Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[piecewise]

So some of you may know that I wrote a book...well, at least I wrote a really long story which has the capacity to become a book.I did it more as an experiment, to see if I could keep a story going as long as a book would need to be and still keep it interesting. Now, as I go through and read it and edit it I'm finding myself incapable of judging it objectively, I just can't like anything I write because I know whats coming. So, I need some people to read over these first two chapters and tell me if they think they'd be interested in reading the next chapters and buying the book. I write to entertain people and if my writing isn't entertaining then I have no reason to continue to publish it; so you're my test bed, should you choose to be.

As per what the novel is about I suppose you could call it "industrial-punk", as it takes place in a setting with complex machinery but little to no understanding of electronics. It follows the lives of a set of charcters in "Engine city" a subterranian power production system which provides power to the inhabitants of the surface world. They are born, live and die without ever seeing sunlight, following the ancestral commandments of a historical figure they call "The Mechanist", the creator of Engine City. A conflict between those who would continue to follow the Mechanist's commandments, the most important of which is to never leave engine city, and those who would break them as broken out and thats where the story begins. 

The download for them is here
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=R0XB938N

Tell me what you think, criticize constructively, and just discuss it. If there is enough interest then I'll continue posting more chapters. That is all for now.

[ein]

I'll check it out.
Might be good to give a quick synopsis/summary/description in the OP.

[Mishy]

A general idea/genre/setting of the story would help alot. Im downloading anyway, lets see what happens.

Edit.. uh, what program did you type this in? My notepad isnt leaving it slightly fucked up. Not a lot, but too much to make an effort of reading it.

[piecewise]

I'll check it out.
Might be good to give a quick synopsis/summary/description in the OP.

A general idea/genre/setting of the story would help alot. Im downloading anyway, lets see what happens.

Edit.. uh, what program did you type this in? My notepad isnt leaving it slightly fucked up. Not a lot, but too much to make an effort of reading it.

Done. I just don't like summarizing, because it inevitably makes things sound more stupid.

[ein]

It's rich text.
Try opening it in wordpad instead of notepad.

[eerr]

Could you upload it in .zip format?

[Rotten]

Just finished reading it.

I really like it so far.
I normally don't like industrial-punk type books, but you did a great job with the setting and stayed true to it.
To tell the truth, I didn't really connect with the characters. They seemed rather bland. Maybe it was just me focusing to much on the setting though.

[Retro]

I'll give this a read. I quite liked your Lovecraft-esque story from a little while ago, though this is a different genre.

[piecewise]

gonna bump this up. Anyone interested in continuing reading?

[Acanthus117]

Oooh. Interesting idea.

DL'ing.

[Acanthus117]

Wow, this is some quality stuff.

I want to see moar

srsly

[mendonca]

Yes.

I'll read and try and provide some constructive criticism, within the week (hopefully in the next couple of days).

[piecewise]

I'll post MOAR soon

[Level_8_Mudcrab]

I'll give this a read, bit busy now so i'll probably read it on the weekend.

[mendonca]

I feel like the standard of writing is very good, not my general choice of fiction but some thoughts from someone who doesn't read fantasy:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Generally my comments would be based on structure, and perhaps somethings aren't there which I would like to see.

At times whilst the standard of writing is excellent, interesting and nicely descriptive with some great imagery (the disaster scene was great) it took me three or four reads to realise what was going on, and only then did I bother because of this forum thread.

I think the first disaster scene might have appeared too early for me, I wasn't engaged in the story, didn't appreciate who was jumping from pipe to roof to wall whilst dodging huge heated bolts. Frankly if he had gotten killed I probably wouldn't have cared too much.

Also the start - Kerr / Sigurd, We haven't really met them but they are telling us there deepest thoughts and opinions on everything - and who is who?

The Kerr / Sigurd chat at the start of chapter 2 worked much better for me, at that time in the story.

I suppose it just felt like we were in Chapter 4 when we are really at Chapter 1.

Chapter 2 - again, who is Volya? Who is Shahrahzad? I appreciate we are going to find out as the story progresses, but maybe our first meeting with these characters could be more anonymous, describing them physically and then gradually having (for instance) the Captain and Radek introduce them to us? I would have also have liked a brief description of Radek (and probably all the characters) when they first appear.

Sharahzad says she appreciates the tenacity of the people down here, but I'm not sure it's clear that Sharahzad ISN'T one of these people. Perhaps some background chat with the Captain, or other line of thought, could make this a bit more clear (I had to re-read to catch on about 'The Capital', presumably this is elsewhere above ground)


Minor points on detail, which I struggled with:

Kerr runs his hand over a small pipe, and can tell that the room filling with molten metal was an accident?? This bit of the story lacked detail for me ... I didn't know how they navigated through the room, didn't appreciate what they found, it seemed a bit simple and unclear.

How easy was it to get above ground? I thought none of the denizens of Engine City had ever seen light?

Why was there a window in an underground house?

Sigurd and Kerr were a bit Blasé about the whole molten metal in a room thing. Although I do think the reasons became a bit clearer as you read on (and no doubt will continue to do so), perhaps the general lack of appreciation for life could be dealt with ... stronger? ... to make this bit more believable?

I've tried to be honest and give the thoughts as they occured to me, hope they help in some way.

I strongly urge you to continue. I do enjoy reading your writing just for the way it is written.