Bay 12 Games Forum
Finally... => Creative Projects => Topic started by: Bien on March 03, 2009, 09:29:20 am
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Chapter One: Ψ-Α (Psi-Alpha)
Pain, a blinding white light, and the sensation of floating in a liquid. That was what I felt, waking up in a strange tube. I shut my eyes again, listening to the pumps cycling and the valves regulating my air supply open and shut. I tried to move my arms, but something was holding them back. I opened my eyes again, this time slowly. I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the light, then I was able to get a good look around me. I was in a transparent tube of sorts, probably a modified Cryogenic Suspension Chamber. There were straps around my knees, ankles, waist, wrists and elbows. Whoever kidnapped me wanted me really secure. My vision blurred and I blinked again, my eyes re-focused on an insignia on the far wall. It took me a second to recognize it, then realization hit me like a sledgehammer. The insignia was that of the Confederate Military Science and Technology Advancement Division, CMSTAD. Or Cemstad as it is pronounced. The insignia consisted of six three-pointed stars with five-pointed stars inside them surrounding the Arketainian glyph for knowledge. All of which contained within a shield with two crossed swords.
“Shit,” I thought “I was most probably kidnapped by some Black-Ops guys while I was asleep.”
“That is most correct.” a female voice echoed through the room. “You were kidnapped by some Black-Ops agents, but only because,” she paused “we need you to help us.”
I mentally face-palmed myself. I somehow knew I was going to get into this mess sooner or later.
“So why me?” I mouthed
“It's because you have the most control over your Psi powers.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Of all of our candidates, you exhibited the most control over it.” she said “Let me show you.”
A holoscreen flickered to life on the far wall. The images being shown were taken from various cameras within the lab. One showed a girl, about 19 years of age, she was restrained to a similar looking tube. The only thing missing was the liquid. When told she was kidnapped, and taken to the lab. The floor and walls began to bend and buckle, cracks appeared on the ceiling as slabs of ubercrete began floating into the air, they seemed to be disintegrating, dust falling slowly to the floor. Then the room exploded outward in a burst of energy. Leaving half of the room intact. The girl was floating in mid-air as flames began forming on her palms. The flames shot out, hot enough to actually melt the ubercrete, and the underlying Hubnesterium supports. The walls caved in and the image dissolved into a haze of static. I winced at what happened, then the static was replaced by another video, and then another. The videos stopped and the screen flickered off again.
“How come I don't see myself there?” I mouthed
“Look to your left.” the voice said bluntly.
I looked to my left and to my horror, I saw a man impaled on the wall by a spike of ubercrete. Blood still trickled from the massive wound. I grimaced in disgust at the sight and looked away.
“I did that?” I thought
Apparently, the woman read my thoughts again.
“Yes. It happened while you were unconscious.”
“Damn.” I thought “So why am I in this liquid?”
“The liquid is a Psi-Inhibitor, it actively blocks Psi energies. And if we drain the tank, your powers, as well as your implants will go back on-line.” she added “Don't ask about the liquid, the details will just bore you.”
I decided not to ask.
The straps holding me in place detached, allowing me free movement. Then the liquid began to drain, as soon as my face was clear. My ocular implants came back on-line. Lines of diagnostic text scrolled across my vision, then the zoom function was tested, as well as the IR and Light-Amplification functions. The liquid dropped to my waist and I felt my skeletal and muscular enhancement implants turn back on, and then my regeneration implants. Soon the liquid was absent from the tank.
“So are you going to let me out?”
“Yes, but a problem has arisen. The locks are jammed, and they're made of pure Hubnesterium. The tube is made of Sycanium. Both will take days to cut through, and an antimatter torch is not available to us And if it was,” she said “ the radiation burst will probably kill you.”
“So can't we just remove the back of the tank?”
“No, it will take at least a day.” she said “And I doubt you will be eager to wait that long.”
“So any other options?” I asked, my military training kicking into gear
“Yes, you will have to use your Psi to crack the tube open.”
“Fine.”
I began concentrating on the tube walls, imagining it cracking and breaking, then exploding outwards. Nothing, I tried harder, my eyes squinting and my fists clenching. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, the tube remained the same.
“A word of advice, you simply have to believe. Some actions might also help.” the voice said.
“What?” I thought
Yes, I was skeptical. The videos shown to me a while ago could have been just CG. But then, something in the far corners of my mind told me that it was all real. I let that part of my mind take control.
So I tried again. I imagined the tube cracking, then shattering. And to prevent injury to myself, I imagined the tube shattering outwards, the shards floating slowly to the floor before dissolving into dust. I also imagined it all taking place when I touch the tube. I put all my effort into concentrating, then I touched the transparent glass like metal with a finger. As soon as my fingertip made contact with the cold metal, a spiderweb crack radiated outward, then it grew until the front of the tube was like a deadly mosaic. I made a pushing motion with my hand stopping a centimeter from the surface and the tube exploded outward.
“Good!” the voice cheered “You have completed the first part of your training.”
I looked dumbfounded
“Training?” I asked, confused.
“Yes, the locks weren't really jammed. But that doesn't matter. You have shown control over the Psi.”
I was irritated, really irritated. The floor rippled slightly, then before it became worse. I stopped myself.
“You have completed the second part of your training.” the voice said, she sounded happy.
“And what was that exactly?”
“Learning to control it while being affected by emotion.” she said “There are clothes for you in the locker to your right.”
I looked to my right and I saw a door recessed into the wall, I entered it and I saw a Confederate Navy uniform. I put it on along with the boots, I was tempted to give them a spit shine, but I put it away, there was no telling if the woman was going to pull another prank on me. I exited the walk-in locker and I just waited around.
“So what am I going to do now?” I asked to myself.
The voice responded
“Go out of the room. I'll be outside to give you a formal introduction to the rest of the team.” she added “And by the way, I am also Psychic.”
I sighed and walked towards the door. It slid open as I neared, then it closed behind me. I walked into a corridor with one door besides the one that had just closed behind me. I walked into the other door and I was greeted by at least ten different people.
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I haven't read the story, but Why does it matter at all that you're a Filipino?
Anyway, I think you have good descriptions, but I thought that the dialogue was pretty plastic, and the premise was cliched and not very interesting.
Overall, though, it was pretty good. You could definitely write a good non-dialogue based story.
Also, quick thing: no matter what setting it is, having the main character "know" that sooner or later he'll get involved with the Black Ops, or taken up into Olympus to eat dinner with the gods, or get to meet Thor or something is a bad idea. It makes the character seem like an immature idiot with an exaggerated sense of self importance.
It would be like me telling you that the Black Ops are trying to capture me for whatever reason, because I'm just that important.
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Oh,so your part of these forums too...
Shocker...
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Nice.
I generally dislike this type of mixing magic and scifi, but that's just me and your writing is good.
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It matters that I'm a Filipino because I'm trying to dispel the common misconception that Filipinos are dumb and stupid, corrupt copycats. Also I'm planning to use the cliche-ness (is that even a word?) to make the differences from the premise have much more effect on the reader. Also, can I have tips on making more realistic dialog?
Expect a new chapter tomorrow, I still have to take my last two end terms. There will be an explanation on why our lead character knew that he was going to get into this mess sooner or later.
Edit: And the real shocker is that this is coming from a 13 year old. With my spelling and grammar checker disabled.
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Not bad, actually. The dialogue is pretty stiff, but writing realistic dialogue is incredibly difficult. I suggest you go through and say some of those lines out loud and see how they sound to you.
And seriously, you're not going to dispel racial stereotypes by writing a story, especially if you make a point of putting it in the title. It's a noble pursuit, certainly, but the way you made a point of referring to yourself as a Filipino seems kind of... I don't know what the proper word would be. It's like me advertising the MUD as "Run by a Jew, and I'm not even taking your money!"
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Then I will change the title.
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Hmm?
Filipino? and 13 years old?
...
And I can't make stories... yet.
Does this means that Indonesians...
Nah, scratch all of that.
I'll go and enjoy myself while watching how this thing unfold.
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Well that explains why he was acting like a 10 year old few years back.
Also I'm not actually aware of these filipino stereotypes you speak of.
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The only Filipino stereotype I'm aware of is that they eat fish.
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Cut the derail folks, before it gets worse. And if it does, I won't post the next chapter tomorrow.
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Frankly, the reason I mentioned that was because you'd really rather not hear what I have to say about the story. And also to add my voice to the fact that there's really no reason to try and dispel an undesirable Filipino stereotype (which is, or at least was, slightly related to the original idea behind the thread) if no one is aware of that particular stereotype.
Anyways, yes, do continue.
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I have been stricken with writer's block. Thus I can't think of anything, could anyone be kind enough to give me some suggestions on how I should continue the plot? It shall be ready by Sunday (GMT +8).
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Well, I wouldn't set a deadline for yourself. Personally I suggest you go back and try to work on your dialogue a bit, for now, as at the moment it seems to be your weakness. I did a google search for "writing realistic dialogue" and it came up with quite a few helpful resources, so I suggest you check out that out as a potentially-helpful resource.
As far as my personal criticism goes, do away with the reference to black-ops. It feels really out of place, and it suggests that the main character actually has some idea what is going on, which doesn't make too much sense. Also, the closeness of "Shit." and "most probably" seems a bit... odd. In fact, having a swear word be the first thing that the main character says might not be such a good idea, as that doesn't really make the best introduction. That said, that might be the effect you're going for. Anyway, the black ops reference seems out of place, and if your world does have some sort of secret police or whatnot that's relatively well-known and would be his first guess as to who might kidnap him in his sleep, give them a different name. Otherwise, take it out. It just seems weird.
On a slightly different note, you might consider switching to third-person. I've found it's a good deal easier to write in, and it might help you separate yourself from your character a little bit.
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Ah, yes the Black Ops thing. I will have to explain it in later chapters. But there's a hint, as to why he knows about the Black Ops, he himself is enlisted in the military as something quite closely related to the Black Ops.
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Chapter Two: Ψ-B (Psi-Beta): I've been dead for a while
I walked into the other door and I was greeted by six different people. One of them, in a pristine white lab coat motioned for me to go in.
The room was simple, white walls and floor. A grav-couch was against the left wall with a glass coffee table in front of it. A transparent ash tray sat on the table. To the right of the couch was a another doorway. Along the right wall were a few monitors hooked to holo-consoles on the floor. The back wall was lined with Akheton Quantum Supercomputers, their keypads blinking idly. The room smelt of tobacco, indicating that people here often smoked.
There little space left on the couch, so I decided to remain standing.
“So where do we start?” I asked
“Um, introductions?” a man wearing cargo pants and a white t-shirt that read “Infinity Squared”
“Good idea,” a different female voice echoed in my head “who wants to go first?”
“Me?” I thought
And then a feeling of mortification hit me like a Guided Hypervelocity Kinetic Impact Missile, or GHY-KIM for short. I had always hated introductions, especially to a group of people. And as a consequence, hated being reassigned to a different Crusader squad. A bead of sweat formed on my brow. I cleared my throat
“Er, I am Victor Charles O' Harrison. I serve in the Confederate Navy as a Crusader super-soldier in the 343rd Elites. I have a rank of Master Chief Petty Officer.” I took another breath and continued “I was kidnapped and taken to this installation for an unknown reason.”
I looked briefly at the other people in the room, enough for my implants to acquire images and data on these people. What surprised me most was that most of them serve, or served in the Armed Forces in one way or another, one particular woman served in the Relief Forces, the man wearing an “Infinity Squared” t-shirt served in the police. I saw the woman in the lab coat shake her head, the motion barely noticeable, she seemed sad, a faraway look in her eyes. My implants acquired an image and presented me with more data. I archived all the data and put it away with my thoughts.
“What's wrong?” I asked
“You would rather not know.” her voice, the same voice from before, echoed in my mind.
The data regarding her appeared in my vision again, there appeared to be an update on her lineage. Her family tree flashed into my vision. It was massive, starting from the founding members of the McFoster clan, then my implants showed me her family tree. Apparently she was the firstborn daughter of the O' Harrison family, my family.
“Sis?” I thought
“No,” she replied “you are not my brother. He died a decade ago.”
Her statement hit me like a hypervelocity slug to the forehead.
“You are a clone,” she echoed in my mind “we found you lying in your own impact crater after the Furthest Reaches was blown apart by those Hel 'Tonari bastards.”
I ran as explosions blossomed behind me, my Seraph class Black-Ops armor protecting me from debris with its shields. I stepped on an EM grenade and I thudded on the floor.
“Fuck!” I cursed
The grenade detonated in a flash of light, when the light faded, my HUD was missing and my body was sluggish. I tried to stand, but the armor was too heavy. I slipped and fell to the floor again. The frigate under me tilted, sending the now unsecured cargo containers flying. The ship groaned in pain as enemy fire began to blow her apart.
My HUD flickered back on, hazy and clouded with static. Another officer ran into the hallway from a service corridor. My shields slowly recharged and the armor came back on-line. The officer ran into the escape pod at the end of the hall. The airlocks closed, and the escape pod rocketed out towards the planet's surface. Only to be destroyed by a “Gao 'Nem” class Interceptor.
I stood up as another explosion rocked the ship. The service corridor to my left spilled out a trio of the ugly, three legged insects known as the Hel 'Tonari. They all wielded wicked looking polearms. Many have died mistaking them for simple Fringe farmers' tools, the cutting edges were monomolecular, and were augmented by a plasma field surrounding the blade. Those blades were able to cut a Crusader completely and cleanly in half.
I stood up and wielded my last weapon, the “Killer Tuning Fork” as it is jokingly referred to. It was a telescoping one foot to a meter long blade, the name comes from the fact that it has a gap running down the center of the blade, it allowed the ion field to envelop the monomolecular blade.
As I raised my weapon to defend myself, and as they charged. The hull behind me blew open, sucking the four of us into space. The insects died as their pressurized carapaces exploded open. I righted myself, ejecting small amounts of air to serve as maneuvering thrusters. A two square meter piece of debris floated past. I grabbed it and held on, using it as a shield. I steadied myself and prepared for the worst.
I was caught in the planet's gravity well, and my slow fall turned into a quick plummet into its atmosphere. The leading edges of the metal I was using as a heat shield began to glow red. I slowed down after a minute or so of falling, the altimeter was dropping quickly, from ten thousand meters to half of that in ten seconds. My heat shield fell apart and I saw the surface approaching rapidly, I spread out my arms and legs in an effort to slow myself down, but my armor was too streamlined and I still fell at a dizzying rate, then I slammed into the ground, a split second later, everything went black.
I stepped back, stricken by both her statements and the flashback.
“We tried to save you, but we were too late. The government issued an order to deliver a perfect clone of you for some experiments.” she said “They wanted to use you as a guinea pig.”
“But you didn't allow it.” I finished
“Yes, we told them that they were all failures,” she said “but it was partially true, all but one died.”
“So that clone is me.”
“Yes.”
“Then why ten years? A full clone takes only five years to grow.”
“It's because you are a clone of that clone.”
"And what about what you told me before, sis?"
"That..." she trailed off "was a lie."
I've heard that clones have some slight alterations in their DNA, and cloning that will make those alterations more evident.
I turned away, to give myself some time to absorb the information. Suddenly, the lights turned red. A voice came over the intercoms
“Attention all personnel! A Code: Beta Omega is in progress.” it paused “This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill”
Beta Omega always meant that a hostile force had found a top-secret installation and was attacking it with large numbers.
“All personnel, report to your battle stations.”
Everyone except my sister ran out of the room, a lightly muscled blond man grabbed my by the upper arm as he ran.
“Follow me!” he said
He let go and I ran out of the doors and into an armory, suits of Thor Mk. 27 Powered Assault Armor hung on the walls, while racks of weapons emerged from recesses in the walls.
“Why do we need these?” I asked
It seemed the most logical question to ask at that time.
“It's because we have our limits.” a raven haired woman said as she slipped into her armor
“Using Psi is mentally, physically and psychologically taxing.” a male voice echoed in my mind “You can die, go crazy, or even fall apart depending on how often you use it between periods of sleep.”
I ran to a suit of armor hanging on the wall and quickly got into it. I stared at the armor's reflective visor for a second before putting it on my head and locking it in place. Everything was quiet for a second then fans hummed to life while lines of diagnostic text scrolled across the visor and in my vision. The armor's HUD appeared, displaying the most relevant information and augmenting my implants' capabilities.
“Everyone report. As for me, ready Op.” a voice said “And Victor, you are part of the team now.”
“This is Tyler, ready Op!”
“Jacob, ready Op!”
“This is Laika, armor's okay.”
“Sarah here, everything's green!”
“This is Victor, diagnostics have completed and report that the armor is fully functional.” I said, my military training kicking into gear.
“You could just have said 'Ready Op' Victor.” Sarah said.
“Cut the banter people,” the commander said “everyone, load up and go to sector Alpha.”
I went over to the weapons racks and placed an A7D assault rail rifle on my back, the magnetic plates holding it in place while I placed six forty round magazines for the weapon in my side pockets. Then I grabbed an AP19 “Widowmaker” Anti-Tank Particle Rifle and placed it beside the R7D. I also holstered a S7H sidearm and three clips for it. I found a “Killer Tuning Fork” in the left holster, so I left it there.
“So you wanna be point man?” the commander asked “That's okay, we needed another one anyway.”
I followed them out of the armory. A marine stopped in front of the commander and said
“Sir! Sector Gamma needs some reinforcements.”
“Well, what are you waiting for?” the commander asked “Get to Sector Gamma.”
We ran down the hallway, our footsteps thumping on the floor. Explosions reverberated through the walls as dust fell from the celling.
“Damn, whoever is trying to kill us must be really crazy,” Sarah said “either that, or really stupid.”
“Yeah!” Laika agreed
The hallway slanted upwards and began to widen. We reached the surface and I saw that Sector Gamma was a huge military garage. Vehicles were lined up along the walls, most of them parked on ledges with ramps leading to the floor. Several doors were recessed into the cavernous garage. Above us hung an electromagnetic launch rail for aircraft, a Typhon Class Heavy Aerospace Bomber sat on the rail, waiting for clearance to launch. The huge opening on the far side of the garage was bathed in sunlight. Wreckage and bodies littered the floor. Several makeshift barricades were erected around the entrance. Hover tanks and other powered armors stationed behind them. We ran, covering the five kilometers that made up the floor of the garage in just two minutes. We readied our weapons and looked over the barricade. A massive spider shaped warmech stood over a contingent of Valhallian soldiers.
A pair of Typhon Bombers roared into view, plasma bombs falling from their bomb bays as particle beams lanced out from nose mounted turrets. For an instant, the warmech was covered in a flurry of sparks and electric arcs as its shields absorbed the weapons fire. A Confederate T7P2 Patriot heavy assault tank hovered over a pile of debris to get a clear shot at one of its joints and then a massive leg slammed down on the tank, its shields flaring for a moment before overloading. The leg pierced the tank's armor and its reactor. And then the tank exploded, showering the field with smoking debris. Eight spots on its 'head' began to glow red, then proton beams lanced out, wiping out several squads of marines, partially melted scars on the earth were all that was left of them.
We hid behind the barricade, popping our heads out to take potshots at approaching hostiles. Another explosion rocked the cavern, I looked up and saw that the launching rail was about to collapse. The warmech lumbered closer and fired four of its beams, raking at the barricades and obliterating some of the weaker ones. A couple of Valhallian assault troopers jumped over our barricade and landed behind us. I readied my rifle and aimed it at one of the approaching soldiers, three cracks rang out and his shields sparked but did not fail. He lunged at me and threw me to the ground, I thudded on the floor. He raised an energy flail and was about to cave my head in with it when I began to imagine his armor cracking and falling apart. A split second later and the armor began falling apart in irregularly shaped chunks, crystal gel and thermal regulation fluid oozing from separate layers as frayed bands of electromuscle twitched in the air. The armor fell apart to reveal a very panicked looking man, his storm gray eyes staring right at me. I kicked his legs out from under him and I heard bones cracking and snapping from the force, he fell to the floor and an armored boot caved his head in. One of my team mates was dueling in close combat with the other Valhallian, I stood up and fired my rifle at the soldier. The enemy turned to face me and as he did, the tips of the “Killer Tuning Fork” stuck out of his chestplate, the blade retracted and the body thudded to the floor.
A smaller Valhallian reconmech sped into the garage, I reached behind my back to get the Widowmaker, my hand felt the handle and I tugged at it. The magnetic plates on my back disengaged, allowing me to ready the weapon. As I was about to flip the arming switch, I noticed a crack in the primary power cell, cooling liquid oozed slowly out of the crack and dripped on the floor.
“Shit!” I cursed
I ripped the cell out of the weapon and threw it at an approaching squad of enemy marines. The power cell sailed in a clean arc through the air and slammed into the face of an enemy. The marine fell, and a second later the power cell detonated, engulfing the squad in blue-white plasma fire. The screams of burning men filled my ears before dying out. I dropped the Widowmaker and leveled my rifle at a lone trooper, he sprinted for cover and I pulled the trigger, the rifle bucked against my shoulder and the man fell apart, blood spraying out and painting the floor red.
The reconmech approached, its autocannons blazing. I fumbled for the Widowmaker and clipped a spare power cell to it. The weapon hummed to life and I placed it on my shoulder, the targeting reticle matching with the one displayed on my visor. I aimed at the mech's cockpit and depressed the firing stud. A high pitched whine filled the air as the particle bolt smashed into the unshielded mech, its armor did nothing to stop the weapons fire and the cockpit disintegrated. The machine fell to the floor with a loud thud as smoke poured from the hole in its cockpit. Its foot twitched and the machine went still.
A/N: Yes, I noticed the discrepancy between the numbers at the end of the first chapter and the beginning of this chapter.
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Is this even SUPPOSED to be science fiction? It's really good fiction but really bad science, it'd make a good work of fantasy but as science fiction one gets distracted by the lack of realism.
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You're not one to complain about something being unrealistic, Armok. Just saying.
Also, I haven't read most of the latest part of the story, but it would be a good idea to describe all the features of a scene when it begins. That is, you should really describe the characters at the same time as you describe the room.
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Master Chief Petty Officer.”
Oh... crap...
Seriously,owch.If it wasn't for the halo novels that bit there would have been perfectly fine but... It just looks bad.
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You're not one to complain about something being unrealistic, Armok. Just saying.
Huh? overpowerdness and realism are completely separate spectra. And I don't think I've posted anything non-fantasy on these forums and thus you have no idea if I can be realistic or not because you haven't seen me try.
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But, hey MCPO is a valid naval rank. And it would be worse if his name was John.
And Armok, some of the Tech is based slightly off of Peter F. Hamilton's work, which is terribly unrealistic.
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Hey whatcha know... It really is.
Still sounds like your tapping off another sci-fi novel,unfortunately.
Really,upon seeing that I had a sort of allergic reaction.
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But, hey MCPO is a valid naval rank. And it would be worse if his name was John.
And Armok, some of the Tech is based slightly off of Peter F. Hamilton's work, which is terribly unrealistic.
My god, his stuff is acctually amazing. Unrealistic yes, but he makes it believable. Good stuff this. I like where its going. Buuut, one problem you seem way to much focused on the environment rather than the people... way too much info for all these things, guns, supercomputers etc. etc.
Oh, and yeah I have to agree with Shadow there, tapping off someone elses work is quite bad. But theres not a great deal of evidence you've done it here, so thats all good :D
(P.s what books have you read from Peter F. Hamilton? I've just finished the 'Reality Dysfunction' and started on another one... damn forgot the name of it lol... its in the another series, one about the Dyson Pair of stars or something?)
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Sorry for the possible necro.
Chapter-3 is in progress, it should be ready by next week. And sorry to keep you all waiting, I was separated from my computer for quite a while as a consequence of doing something really stupid.