Journal of Feb Snarlgorge, 1 Granite, 202I've heard legends of Hell, of the places of monsters and beasts so malicious that you would pray for the release of death rather than go there. I've heard of dark goblin fortresses where all leaders are required to murder their way to the top, where only the darkest of creatures hold sway. I've even heard of young dwarves and humans kidnapped by night trolls, and eaten, or worse.
None of them compare to where I am right now.
“Go to Bannerweaken,” they said. “It’s a new enterprising fortress. No, the fortress was definitely not built to kill off all the dissidents of the crown. It’s totally, one hundred percent, five stars, two thumbs up safe."
Well guess what!?!
The dwarves who convinced me to immigrate here may have exaggerated its safety. It, really, is only fifty percent safe (meaning you have a fifty percent chance to survive two years here). Also, sometimes goo rains from the sky which causes blisters all over your body (but don’t worry! It’s only temporarily blinding, as it briefly causes your eyes to rot).
Anyway, essentially, I’m writing this journal because I’ve decided to kill everyone, because I hate everything. I hate this place a lot (obviously), so I’m going to start my murder-rific rampage here. Once I’ve killed everyone here, my plan is to return to the mountain home as the sole survivor and a hero. They’ll throw a party for me, and as soon as they’re not looking, I’ll stab all of them in the eyes, killing them all instantly.
My fool-proof plan, though, starts here. I must kill everybody here, but make it look like an accident. I’m sure I’ll put together the perfect plan soon enough, though.
2 Granite, 202My essential plan goes as follows:
1. Operation SAve the Dwarves from starving to death, or operation SaD, for short.
By performing this operation, I will be seen as a hero here, allowing me to easily take power.
2. Operation Murder Everyone Really DEstRuctively, or Operation MERDer for short.
This operation is the most crucial, as it requires me to look like a hero, while still committing genocide. My plan, as of right now, is to take power, set in motion the seeds for destruction, then kill everyone beginning as soon as I give pass my position of power onto someone else.
3. Operation REturn to the Mountainhome, HAve a Party THrown fOr Me, ThEn Kill Everyone when They’RE NOt Looking, or Operation ReMHaPThoMTeKETreNoL for short.
I believe I’ve already explained this brilliant plan in yesterday’s journal. Regardless, using these three brilliant operations, I should easily gain my revenge on everyone I hate (which is everyone).
4 Granite, 202I begin Operation SaD by reviewing our stocks. We currently have no food (that can be eaten) or drinks (to be drunk). Luckily, we can drink water from the reservoir outside, which is not ideal, but won’t kill everybody yet.
Our real problem is food, though. With no plants or meat to cook, I was initially worried about how we would eat at all… That is, until I remembered that we had over 400 plump helmet spawn.
After personally building a kitchen, I managed to cook more Plump Helmet Spawn Biscuits than we could possibly want. We now have no more problems with food whatsoever.
Unfortunately, it was too late for many dwarves, including one fellow named TheCheeseMaker. This gives me an idea, though. You see, in order for Operation ReMHaPThoMTeKETreNoL to be a success, I must be seen as a hero by the other dwarves. So, I will rename myself TheCheeseMaker. Following that, I will commit Operation MERDer in TheCheeseMaker’s name. Once I’m done, I’ll simply kill myself (as Feb, not TheCheeseMaker), then return to the mountainhome as a hero for killing TheCheeseMaker, the worst mass-murderer in history.
23 Granite, 202
I begin a small stockpile for corpses. The next few months will be spent growing our food stockpiles and burying the dead, in order to finish off Operation SaD.
(OOC: Sorry, Dunamisdeos, I had already buried you when you posted, don’t worry though. If you’re redorfed, you’ll die again for sure, then you can be a ghost).4 Slate, 202
Some dwarf created a cool looking earring. Also, we have migrants, and have now officially replaced our losses from The Great Food Purge of ’01. Nothing else really to report over the last month. Operation SaD continues. I, obviously, was made overseer after single-handedly saving the fortress.
13 Hematite, 202I haven’t written in this journal for a couple of months, because everything has run pretty smoothly. We haven’t had any real issues with anything. A few crundles attacked, and were quickly put down, and some ghostly miners were put to rest.
That is, of course, until today:
Somewhere, we received word that the previous king (or queen, I haven’t really paid attention), had died. Myran, in a move befitting of his title, declared himself king of the dwarves.
I change his title to something even more fitting for his role in my new plan:
Also, some nobody dwarf declared themselves expedition leader, a title which, as everyone knows, is completely meaningless.
19 Malachite, 202Something terrible has happened! In a freak accident, Myran was smoothing rock under a large rock structure, with only a single support to keep it from collapsing. Due to a complete fluke and accident, somebody accidently pulled the lever which destroyed the support, and, well…
It’s always sad to see the good dwarves die. He/she will be missed (I wasn’t really paying attention again).
Oh, also a couple other nameless nobodies died too.
1 Limestone, 202
As summer drew to a close, a dwarf created a cool zinc chest, becoming a legendary blacksmith in the process. Otherwise, nothing much happened over the summer (you know, besides the death of the old and new kings/queens).
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