Bay 12 Games Forum

Same.  Yeah some of the climactic events were a surprise, but I felt like they were strongly built up to.  I kinda expected a rugpull and another season of the same formula recipe, and I was pleasantly surprised!  And shocked in a good way.

I am sorta surprised that two characters didn't literally kiss though, based on how the fandom reacted /j

I keep almost forgetting this one from two(three?) nights ago but something about it keeps making it catch in my mind.

I was self-inserting in a fic I've been reading.  But as which character?  The anarchist or the tankie?  I think the anarchist, which should be comforting but was also intensely frustrating.  I was compelled by idealism to continue resisting (nonviolently but painfully) a benevolent alien dictatorship.  a dictatorship of the proletariat you could say

And that was before I even read the end of the fic, ugh.  UGH!
intensely frustrating.  And I think I dreamed about it more last night, but it's... uh, fuzzy.
class-A dreams

ooh I've seen this filled with anime characters, on tumblr probably

It's a tough call tbh but: i'm sorry

I finally got my ears pierced today!  I have a tiny metal sphere on each lobe.  Subtle but pretty, the kind I always imagined I would have "if I was a girl".

In fact I got the strangest sense of deja vu from the experience.  I had to honestly ask my mother whether I had piercings when I was young, somehow (my memory of being a teen is VERY spotty sometimes).  I guess I'm either remembering clip-ons which I left on too long, and/or a friend in high school who talked in detail about hers.  I was so fascinated...

I didn't realize until afterwards that the studs have to stay in for several months (the piercer thought I was joking, heh) but that's okay.  I like these.  I have a pair of pink triangular ones as a... statement, but I'm mostly excited to wear a pair of fairies lounging in crescent moons.  They remind me of my NB pendant.
The piercer complimented my pendant   After the piercing, even, so it wasn't just a distraction thing (I'm so cynical).  It was nice.  I was in my favorite tank top, too.  I look pretty great.
People were nasty to me yesterday but that doesn't matter anymore.  Most people don't care or are nice.  I'm not alone.  I'm fine

I might still be a little dazed from all the hot sun and endorphins, but just, I feel really good.  My ears feel so RIGHT, like they've been pierced since childhood and reality has just finally caught up.
(not that I'm poking them.  I wanna but I'm not)

I just realized that, when I got my new laptop and erased my data from my old one, I didn't copy over my personal skyrim mod I was working on, a big new world mod, and my last backup copy was hundreds and hundreds of hours of work ago. I basically fucked myself.

i tried recovering the files and even the backups, but theyve been overwritten and are corrupt.

Fuuuuuuuuuck ):
Sorry.

---

sobriety sucks sometimes.  It's not fair that I was completely free for, what, 3 months? (four and a half)  Yet was still obsessed with the habit, and wanted the feeling.

And getting pleasantly buzzed helps but is so *dangerous*.  It's like... tying myself up to listen to sirens.  It's awesome, but there's nothing stopping me from untying myself.  Except for anxiety, and the entire *point* is to clear the anxiety away for a little while.  A recipe for disaster.

I should have talked about it more at therapy today instead of rambling about my family again.  The guy's an addiction specialist, I can whine with my friends but maybe he can actually help me.

I'm also just exhausted from two family trips, plus I'm volunteering the next two mornings, and then I finally get to resume job searching.  Existing is *exhausting*.  It was so much easier when I could turn myself into a happy dummy and vibe TF out to some music, or shoot the shit in a chatroom, and just be so fucking HAPPY.  I was free of the blackouts!  I wasn't drinking from self-loathing anymore, just to have fun!  But I can't fucking HAVE THAT, anymore, because...

well partially it's just not as fun as it was.  My tolerance is gone but only in the annoying way- a small amount fucks me up, but doesn't get me as giddy as I had been.  So maybe I can focus on that.  I keep thinking of the last time I drank a 40, over the course of an entire day, and nearly throwing up that evening.  And that was *lucky* that I didn't lose control and say crazy shit again.

Because I did that too, back in February...
well, it wasn't actually crazy.  But I should have known this person wouldn't understand, would get scared.  I was too honest, and if I keep that up, I'll drive away the people who care about me.

...and that would be bad.
it was bad every other time I did it.
ugh.

just... fucking godsdamn brain, let me enjoy life and stop inventing fucking problems.  Why can't humans ever be satisfied

anyway I guess I'll try staying sober till my next session.  That'll be an entire month sober (I'm not counting the single pint in public on Visibility Day).  That's a good start.
And it's possible to be free of this!  MOST PEOPLE ARE.  IT'S NOT WELCOME IN MY IDENTITY

Oh that's interesting!  I happened to dream about that last night, I was cleaning up some clutter with a friend but none of my lights would turn on, except about 10% of the time.  Neither of us really minded the gloom but I was trying to be normal and a good host.

I guess the dream I came here to share was also about trying to act allistic...

---

I was living at dad's beach house with him and my brother.  This was back in the internet security days, except brother was working with us too.  There was a big social party (there was always so much... networking, haha, in that job).

Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro were in attendance.  Dad technically didn't like them but he's a lib, and they were guests.  I was in a nice femme outfit, maybe even passing, and really wanted to get a selfie with them to show off online (to mock them by associating them with a tran...s person like me).  But brother stopped me, insisting that it was against the law somehow, they had lawyers and protections.  I said "But they're in my home! [I do have value here, right?]" and he just offered sympathy for my naivety.  He didn't have my back. (He was always better at socializing, and often had to help me with social rules because I was autistic!!!)

I isolated myself to avoid making a scene, passing through a network of bathrooms and changing rooms in the basement.  I kept plotting but I knew I wouldn't actually do anything.  I had to try to behave well, obediently, to make up for all my social mistakes.

As I returned upstairs, calmer, I heard my dad talking about trans people as a dying trend.  "Do you know any trans people?  I don't." he said.  I blacked out from frustration.

I woke up in a chair behind him and brother.  They were working on a web threat together.  I saw they could use my help.  I wanted to help them, but I was still in so much pain and they didn't see me.  I started sobbing, as quietly as I could, yet wanting them to hear.  They didn't.  I looked at the web threat and my mind shifted to be more analytical, less social.  This ruined the last of my "filters" which translate my thoughts for normal people.

I started rambling despite myself.  Usually I transcribe or echoing an inner voice I've scanned for mistakes[notions which upset people].  Instead I was just speaking.  Purely in metaphors and references.  They didn't understand a word.  They didn't know me.

That really is the correct answer though!  The entire scale is based off, as fricken usual, trying to work out wtf subjective measurement these strangers had in mind when they constructed the system.

Such as figuring out the rules like "don't say 10"

Had a pleasant visit with a new endocrinologist.  I've been anxious about it, but they signaled acceptance in a lot of ways and I relaxed and was honest, and honestly learned some things.  It was a huge relief.

Afterwards I sat in the waiting room and finished the intake form.  Got to the questions about anxiety, thoughts of self-harm, supportive friends and supportive family
Suddenly had a really bad "allergy", liquid was streaming from my eyes and nose.  I was quiet and masked but someone still noticed and brought me a box of tissues.  Very kind of them.

My partner suggested I get ice cream.  I was thinking bread.  I compromised with blueberry waffles and feel a lot better now.