Post by: Nyxalinth on August 08, 2010, 02:28:57 am
I don't want to hear ONE FREAKIN WORD about the miasma that kobold is generating. You're the ones letting him rot away merrily on the steps. There's plenty of room in the refuse heap, all of you have hauling turned on...go to it! Or maybe you secretly like the stinky?
Confused,
Me
So...what's your note to your dwarves?
Post by: Zaerosz on August 08, 2010, 03:12:14 am
LEARN AXING FASTER.
Post by: rat_pack40 on August 08, 2010, 05:46:36 am
When I asked you to dig in to the side of the volcano, I had hoped you would be smart enough to run after you punched through the wall. Instead, you throw the rest of the fort into a tantrum spiral.
Signed,
Me
Post by: thijser on August 08, 2010, 05:51:44 am
Please stop killing your fellow dwarf by causing caveins above them or digging the ground under their feet. Futhermore I would really like it if you would think before blocking your own way out of mining site.
Signed,
your supreme overlord.
Post by: The Yellow Peril on August 08, 2010, 06:03:27 am
Thank you have having the intelligence to ALWAYS contruct and remove walls/floors in such a way that either traps you, or causes you to fall 10 z-levels to your death.
Signed,
Me
Post by: Shaio on August 08, 2010, 06:05:54 am
Enjoy starving
Signed Shaio
PS next time you pack a sissy fit, don't destroy the farm plots and doom whole fort to starve.
pps also don't bash down entrance bridge and let monsters in.
Post by: VoidPointer on August 08, 2010, 06:59:26 am
When you refuse to do something and don't give me any hints as to why, it hurts my feelings.
Please stop. :'(
Love,
VP
Post by: Josephus on August 08, 2010, 07:03:27 am
No. Go away.
- Josephus
Post by: Evergod41 on August 08, 2010, 07:16:51 am
Dont go running into the commons area and think someone will douse you... It only makes all the nice white wooden furniture catch flames, and melt your friends fat, as they are too stupid to stop eating and run away... Oh, and stop batheing in the river, it might freeze right before you leave.
Mygodyourstupid,
The Mysterious Force That Commands All!
Post by: Serio on August 08, 2010, 07:17:28 am
Would you PLEASE stop trying to wall in your friends? I'm fully aware of the lack of entertainment in Riddledroads, but that is no excuse for your behaviour.
Signed,
A concerned overseer.
Post by: Akura on August 08, 2010, 07:42:18 am
The wall around our fort, the only thing keeping everyone from having to watch the slaughter, rape, and pillage(presumably in that order) of everyone else at the hands of goblins, humans, and most likely, elves, is not going to finish itself. I suppose the entire fort will just have to lie in a pool of its own blood just so you can play with your cat.
Signed,
Someone who wishes an unfortunate incident on your cat.
Post by: stormyseasons on August 08, 2010, 09:39:40 am
Please learn military skills faster if you wish to live. Alternately, don't dawdle all day about linking bridges to levers. This concerned overlord can always start a new fortress. Each dorf only lives once. Choose wisely.
Your faintly bemused overlord.
Post by: Greiger on August 08, 2010, 09:47:27 am
Just because YOU can breathe underwater does not mean your mule can. Stop swimming through the sewer system to get to the trade depot and then having your friends getting pissy and leaving because your mule drown. No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa. It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.
Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning corpses out of the plumbing.
*"Dagger" in dracon
Post by: Astramancer on August 08, 2010, 11:30:33 am
The kitchen is full of food, both rotting and about to rot. There are six of you loitering in the dining hall, complaining about the lack of variety in your food. I sense a solution here.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Jelle on August 08, 2010, 11:32:59 am
Please put some clothes back on.
I know your old clothes wore off but I've made some new ones for you, out of silk to!
Your nudist behavior is starting to disrupt hard working dwarves, and with three types of vomit on you you're not much to look at.
On that note please stop having children (that vomit on you), 10 children is enough!
Yours
Unknown forces
Post by: cameron1124 on August 08, 2010, 11:45:25 am
I would really aprecciate it if you didnt decide to that eating and sleeping is more important then buying the tamed tiger and alligator that will probably save the fortress someday.
from, uristmceverybodyelse
Post by: uber pye on August 08, 2010, 12:01:46 pm
i hope you like the endless flow of migrant
love<3,
uber pye
Post by: Encased in burning magma on August 08, 2010, 12:22:25 pm
Channeling a magma tile when someone is standing on it is NOT COOL. Especially if they are wearing adamantine.
You might want to beware a strange compulsion to pull the noble lever that might occur really soon. Just saying.
-A
Post by: darkwolf on August 08, 2010, 12:23:41 pm
Dear Urist McHunter,
While I appreciate your focus and dedication in hunting creatures to bring to our table, you would be much more efficient were you to have enough focus and dedication toward your own survival... I'm not asking for too much here when I ask you to please stop following deer over the edge of that bottomless chasm.
Yours,
Urist McOverseer.
Aaaand a riff on one of the current themes:
Dear Urist McBroker,
We are currently having to force an audit of your trading procedures, after it was reported that, when asked to trade, you first decided to dig the rest of the fort out. This was not so bad, as the merchants had not yet left when you finished. However, then deciding to, in order, haul the food stockpile single handedly to its new location, have a meal, sleep, and then go on break for a full season was not the wisest of moves. As such, you were replaced last season by Urist McCraftsdwarf, who now has a bigger office than you do.
Yours,
Urist McOverseer.
PS - Tantruming because he has a bigger office has earned you an appointment with our Community Services Officer, Urist McHammerdwarf. Feuds are not accepted as an excuse.
Post by: Eugenitor on August 08, 2010, 12:31:44 pm
Yes. There is a Forgotten Beast down there. It cannot possibly reach you. Just because you two can see each other does not mean that you have to freeze in panic for the rest of your life until you die of thirst.
Yours,
Your Frustrated Deity
P. S. Quit crying about sunlight you little basement-dweller.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on August 08, 2010, 12:34:01 pm
Your armor is important to your survival. I know it's hot, but please leave it on when off duty. You may be needed at a moment's notice, and taking time to re-equip yourself leaves the fort vulnerable, while running into the goblin siege naked save for your axe will earn you a coffin in the communal graveyard while your Royal Mausoleum will go to your replacement when you die.
Attention to all Urists in Machineworks:
Quit Stealing my name.
Post by: Grimlocke on August 08, 2010, 12:42:56 pm
Your life is miserable. You had an axe. You bisected a lye maker. I
You wernt satisfied. You killed chopped the legs off of my legendary weaponsmith. You will rot in the deepest abyss.
No coffin, no honour, you caved youself in there. Also im taking your axe.
Regards, your much more murderous overlord.
Pull the Lever!
Post by: Tyrius on August 08, 2010, 12:49:33 pm
For the last -5- years I have slaughtered your trade caravans, stolen your crap, and impaled the skulls of your predecessors into rows of spikes outside my fortress. Grow a set of balls and fight back already you pack of whiny emo pussies. Slaughtering your population one caravan at a time is too slow. I want more elf-skull-spike decorations damnit.
- Cog McBonecarver
Post by: Heavenfall on August 08, 2010, 01:01:10 pm
It has come to my attention that there may be a problem with the way you enforce the justice of this home. While a righteous zeal is always appreciated, there is such a thing as too much force. In particular, complaints have reached our ears where your fellow dwarves claim that you have: (1) Chained prisoners together and watched them fight to the death (2) Executed unconcious dwarves in the hospital (3) Sentenced dwarves to years in prison for minor offenses like taking off their shirt, and (4) totally annihilated an entire fortress stuck in a tantrum spiral, leaving only yourself and your militia intact.
Signed with my dying breath, your mayor
Post by: Macalano on August 08, 2010, 02:15:01 pm
You arrived this fall in the fourth migration our fine fortress of Trotglen has seen. You were alone, and this was a relief to us, as we don't need more immigrants. It must have been a long and arduous trek and we offer our condolences.
You arrived as a legendary Cheese Maker. Being a legendary cheese maker is very commendable, as being legendary in any other profession is. We regret to inform you that our economy is not agrarian in the sense that we need someone to make us legendary cheese. We realize you must have spent all eighty-four years of your life training to become what you are, and we respect that. We also respect the fact that you journeyed here alone, through miles of evil landscape, and managed to get past many an undead beasty just to get here in one piece, just to offer us your services.
But to get straight to the point Urist, from next month out, you will be expected to report to stone detailing duty, every day, for the rest of your life. We hope you understand our position on this.
Regards,
Management
Post by: melomel on August 08, 2010, 02:19:49 pm
Post by: Macalano on August 08, 2010, 02:22:12 pm
Starting as of today, all coffins will be dumped directly into Hell to save space.
***MEMORANDUM***
Post by: TheyTarget on August 08, 2010, 02:27:31 pm
That is a crossbow. Not a hammer.
Post by: nervousmigrants on August 08, 2010, 02:28:11 pm
I know that the mechanics of filling buckets is complicated. I know that placing the bucket into the water which I have shown you is hard. But please, please ask for help when you need it. I know that sometimes you need to "Apply Cast", and sometimes there is no one around to get you your water. But that doesn't mean you should walk out to the pond, stand there staring across the water for hours, and continue until you get too thirsty. Please, Urist McDoctor, for the sake of your patients, don't be ashamed to ask for help.
And if that doesn't work, use a frakkin' splint. I've got a hundred of them right there.
Yours,
God.
Post by: Sir Broccoli on August 08, 2010, 02:43:40 pm
Grow a brain
Signed,
Your evil overlord.
Post by: FreakyCheeseMan on August 08, 2010, 02:45:42 pm
I realize that slipping fertility drugs into your booze may have been in poor choice, but please understand that, as this is our fourth year without immigrants, our fortress is facing a severe population shortage. While we congratulate you on the births of your thirty-odd babies, we feel it was a poor choice to take them all with you into the cavern to retrieve the corpse of a forgotten beast. As you may recall, you were attacked by another forgotten beast, who wounded you and murdered a good half-dozen of your progeny.
We apologize for the wounds you received from said beast, and for the lack of buckets which caused you to die of dehydration in a hospital room, and your grief-stricken children to spread out like a cloud of puking dwarven spore throughout the level. You may, however, take some pride in knowing that the infant horde you birthed were able to kill the stray troll that wandered in from the dungeons.
Tiny, hairy-knuckled fists of rage.... *shudders*
Where was I? Oh yes. In your next life, please be a little more careful with your offspring. We understand that it's a mothers duty to push her offspring out into the world, but frankly, introducing your one-year-olds to the skinless flying turtle monster mentioned earlier may have been a tad excessive.
We would begin work on your coffin and burial arrangements immediately, but we seem to be having a problem with swarms of rampaging toddlers tearing apart our fort.
Sincerely,
A very frightened overseer.
Post by: Coidzure Dreams on August 08, 2010, 03:19:18 pm
Post by: sinister agent on August 08, 2010, 05:40:09 pm
I appreciate that you are an important member of our group, however if you resent helping other people so much, you should not have chosen this vocation. Furthermore, I am grateful to you for preparing a sorely injured miner for surgery in a timely manner. In future, however, I would appreciate it a lot more if you did not wash patients, and then immediately walk off to get drunk. This is not an NHS fortress.
Sincerely,
The Agency.
Post by: OddProphet on August 08, 2010, 05:52:33 pm
-Alath Zanegethad, Mayor, in his yearly speech to the migrants.
"We now have direct confirmation of a disruptor in our midst, one who has acquired an almost messianic reputation in the minds of our nobility, and those who would seek their favor. Her figure is synonymous with the darkest urges of greed, ignorance and wrath. Some of the worst excesses of the Green Glass Mandate Incident have been laid directly at her feet. And yet the interloping nobility continues to imbue her with romantic power, giving her such dangerous poetic labels as the Hammer of Fate, the Cleanser of the Guilty.
Let me remind all citizens of the dangers of political thinking. We have scarcely begun to climb from the dark pit of our societies' social evolution. Let us not slide backward into oblivion, just as we have finally begun to see the light. If you see this so-called Hammer of Fate, report her. Civic deeds do not go unrewarded. And contrariwise, complicity with her cause will not go unpunished.
Be wise. Be safe. Be aware."
-Alath Zanegethad, in his seasonal speech to the workers in the spring of 205.
Just so you all know, I just modified Breen's speeches from Half-Life 2. All intellectual property belongs to VALVe and Tarn Adams.
Post by: Lasander on August 08, 2010, 07:40:47 pm
Our Benevolent Overseer would like to remind us that the beds in the hospital zone is reserved for the dwarves who were injured while performing their duties for the common good--not for your naps. There is ample room in the barracks and dormitories of the fort which are also located in more convenient locations than the isolated hospital which is located in the furthest reaches of the fort--far far away from your work.
Further instances of non-injured dwarves sleeping in hospital beds will warrant the conversion of the hospital beds into drowning chambers. Construction of these labor-intensive chambers is abhorrent and for the good of everyone this must be avoided.
In the event that the chambers are forced to be constructed any non-authorized dwarf found in the chambers will find the device activated and the resulting corpse will be hauled outside to rot with no burial.
Also, anyone blood related to dwarves found in non-compliance with this memorandum will be ineligible for the new housing project and any current housing status will be revoked.
So remember, citizens of Shellwheeled, keep a close watch on your family--for their sake and yours.
Sincerely,
Management
Post by: Internet Kraken on August 08, 2010, 08:35:24 pm
We are a proud people. We have dared to defy traditional Dwarven practice and construct mighty Fortresses on top of the great sea itself. It is because of our determination of power that we have managed to live relatively comfortable lives out here. Our liason has taken notice of our efforts and is quite impressed. However each year she has relayed the same concern to me that you continue to ignore; our beloved Fortreess is drenched in blood.
I don't quite understand why you are content to wallow around in this filth. It seems that everytime something dies in this fort, you spread its blood everywhere you go. From the farms deep below the surface to the top of our tower, you have spread the fluids of Goblins, Kobolds, Elves, and even your fellow Dwarves. Everything in the fort is drenched in this horrifying red mixture. The main entrance bridge was once a lovely shade of purple, but now it is coated in layers of blood. This lack of concern for the spread of blood is a risk to our Fortresses safety as well. Should the Forgotten Beast lurking in the caverns below ever enter the fort, I'm sure it will be the death of us all. Not because of its fearsome power, but rather because you fools will spread its deadly blood across every inch of the fort. Even when it beings rotting you away from the inside, you will happily drink and eat whilst sitting in a pool of Amxu Sposnuusmdas Smunstu Estur's blood. I'm sure you fools will ignore this anyways, so don't come crying to me when you friends and family start to rot away. I'm sure you'll be tracking their blood across the fort as well.
From Overseer Kraken.
Post by: lanceleoghauni on August 08, 2010, 10:59:46 pm
I am aware that Life is Idyllic, but perhaps a bit boring. The management is working on that. as our fortress has, in the past, suffered severe population issues, we had to mechanize a large portion of our activities. The Management would greatly appreciate it if you could avoid running your progeny into the moving components that will rip them to pieces, while this will only amuse us in the short term, if it continues to be a problem we shall have no other choice but to reduce the quality of life here in honoredSalve, in an effort to maintain a stable population.
To The mayor. Please get a clue, you knew as soon as the migrants arrived no help was coming, we are alone. Please stop asking for trifle pewter items, we can no longer work metal as our ancestors have for generations. get used to it.
Post by: Eric Blank on August 08, 2010, 11:34:54 pm
I realize that letting the freshly harvested crops remain on the ground is a terrible idea, and that you technically DO have the food hauling labor on, but when I said butchering the singular kitten that you were ordered to slaughter is a high-priority job, I really meant it. Thanks to your incompetence, I must now devise and put into action a scheme to slay said female kitten before she reaches adulthood. Please refrain from performing any other duties but the ones to which you are assigned, and do note that if the expedition leader, owner of aforementioned kitten, is killed during the daring kitten-murdering operation about to take place, you will be required to take on ALL of his duties and may lose many privileges, including but not limited to the privilege to breath.
Sincerely, Your boss.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 09, 2010, 12:13:59 am
I excpected you to be smart enough to not wall yourself outside of the fortress walls and cause a tantrum spiral after you starve.
Sincerely,Armok.
Post by: mikefictiti0us on August 09, 2010, 12:37:47 am
Your son's rotten, bloated corpse wedged open our main entrance way and thusly allowed two squads of goblins to enter our fortress. They slaughtered forty two of our folk.
Just thought you should know.
Lorbam Lazlogam, Baron.
Post by: Spaghetti on August 09, 2010, 12:42:27 am
FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING Ffaccdsagverhiogvero
if your wondering he killed my legendary armorsmith in a tantrum spiral
Post by: noodle0117 on August 09, 2010, 12:46:47 am
For the past 4 years, you have done nothing but make demands, create mandates, steal the cheese, hog the ale, order ludicrously expensive furniture, thrown tantrums, shout in the face of every dwarf you meet, and crucify two of my master craftdwarves just because they could not complete your ever so important toy miniforges on time.
For your great and ever amazing benefactions, you are hereby privileged to pull this shiny bauxite lever that we have so carefully prepared for you very existence.
Sincerely,
Unknown will of the dwarves.
Post by: Tale on August 09, 2010, 12:53:55 am
I had no idea you were a skilled craftsdwarf until you stopped fishing out of the medical well to be possessed. I have bones, bars of bronze, WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?! IF YOU GO INSANE, I'M MOBILIZING THE MILITARY, I SWEAR TO ARMOK! And since you're our doctor, nobody will be there to heal you.
Sincerely,
UristMcExpeditionLeader
Post by: Ieb on August 09, 2010, 01:09:13 am
It has come to my attention that despite the ecstatic lifestyle of our populace, all the food and booze you can eat and drink and other things of luxury, such as the grand dining hall and the party-area packed with artifacts, you are not satisfied. I hope you understand that because of the constant sieges from our neighbours who have become angry over something keeps us locked down during the preparation of war, training our military and preparing traps and a maze to confuse enemy soldiers, our way of life has become a tad static. Despite this, in no way should anyone look for excitement in the caverns no matter what you thought you saw down there.
Didn't you think that when an arachna tore Litast apart limb from limb with her bare hands the place should not be walked upon unless under military protection? The high number of casualties among our war dogs should have been a hint of the dangers that are down there, while cruel to station them there in steel chains, they are there to protect you.
Also, if you must go down there, we would like to mention that in case your pet is gored to death by an elk bird, we are not to be held responsible, and certainly not the furniture around the fortress.
I would also like to give out this mention to our military: While it is expected that at times, hostile creatures can breach the first defense-line which is upheld by our war dogs, it is your job to engage these enemies.
However when doing so, please try not to fight in the staircases. If you must, try to stand your ground, if you absolutely MUST dodge an attack, please try to make sure to step back the stairs to an upper level, instead to your sides.
It makes a horrible mess down below when you do that.
Also, paging our doctor: WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR JOB?
- Signed, your mostly benevolent Overlord.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 09, 2010, 01:34:01 am
Please go to the
Yours sincerly,fortress.
Post by: Flaede on August 09, 2010, 03:34:16 am
I know I haven't spoken to you, individually, in some time. The labours you immigrated with? Yes, it's true that I haven't given out any jobs for cheesemakers or small animal
That said, you're going to have a lot more personal dirction from me soon.
Please report to the Sgt. at Arms at 0900 tomorrow, and recieve your new barracks assignment and gear. Yes, that's right, Uncle Armok wants YOU to join the Army!
- Andrew
Post by: Orangebottle on August 09, 2010, 03:50:22 am
See this diagram here?
U0----fortress
This is you building a wall.
After you're done building said wall, please take your time and ponder your reasons for walling yourself out of the fortress.
This diagram shows what you should've done:
0U----fortress
We have also heard your complaints about how cold it is in the fortress proper, so we put your workshop, living space, and food stockpile right above the magma pipe. You should be nice and toasty once you get settled.
Sincerely,
Mayor Bridgeflayed.
-----
Dear Mrs. Urist,
We are terribly sorry for your loss. It would seem that, apon entering his new quarters, your husband slipped and hit a lever designed to make the floor collapse. We are unsure as to why this lever was even hooked up. However, the Hammerer will be by in a few minutes to discuss the table you threw at Solon and her infant child, which killed said child and put Solon in the hospital.
Sincerely,
Mayor Bridgeflayed.
Post by: *Poster* on August 09, 2010, 04:54:14 am
I have now received repeated complaints from both members of our fortress military that you seem to consider the barracks to be yours to sleep in at will. I do not understand why, exactly, as I have taken pains to ensure that every dwarf or family has a room for themselves. The barracks are for the exclusive use of our military, who I remind you has been training these past months in order to prevent another debacle like last year's goblin ambush. I am aware that, if your tasks take you to the surface, you will find the barracks closer than your own bedroom if you feel the sudden need for a nap; however, I can assure you that in the event of another attack, the barracks is the last place you want to be caught napping.
Sincerely, The Management
PS: I don't know who put that small assortment of items in the cistern's inlet, and I don't know why you refused to touch said assortment of items for so long that I was forced to fill the reservoir despite them being swept into the cistern proper, but I hope you like the fact that the chamber which took us many months to mine, smooth, and then empty of rubble is now polluted.
Post by: NewsMuffin on August 09, 2010, 08:09:53 am
Please, no matter what you hear, please send more migrants.
Sincerely,
NewsMuffin
Dear Legendary Engraver,
While I sincerely thank you for your contributions to this fortress, most of us would not like to be constantly reminded of the death of your pet cat, and your injuries by giant bats, and elk birds. We are dearly sorry for your loss, but we would rather see happier things like working dwarves, or victorious battles.
Sincerely,
NewsMuffin
Post by: Medicine Man on August 09, 2010, 08:29:02 am
You do not need medical treatment for a broken nail plea-Urist McIbrokemynailwahwah has succumbed to infection
So he DID need treatment after all :o
Post by: dwarfguy2 on August 09, 2010, 08:31:49 am
i, for one, think you superior to every other character in every other game, as you can actually move sideways out of danger. as such, i shall continue letting your species survive.
signed in blood,
your cruel and merciless god.
Post by: Nat on August 09, 2010, 09:14:36 am
As you may be aware, I have been spending the last few months building mechanisms and trying to set up a system of traps in order to defend our grand hamlet of Buckpillar. However, due to the inability of you morons to move the mechanisms anywhere close to where I am constructing the traps, progress has been incredibly slow. In fact, progress is so slow that I have given up on the project, and instead have carved myself a nice little home of my own behind the mechanic's workshop. You might have noticed it, had any of you been down this way to pick up some of the mechanisms in the last year. But no, you were all too busy sitting around in the dining hall, twiddling your thumbs like elves.
Good luck defending yourselves against the coming siege, you're going to need it. Don't worry about me, I'm quite safe in here. Oh, and a friendly warning: don't bother trying to follow me down here, you'll only die a very messy death. Not that the death would bother me particularly, but spleen is so hard to get out of those nice, sharp serrated discs.
Sincerely,
Nil Naturalurns
Mechanic
Post by: Medicine Man on August 09, 2010, 09:41:16 am
Please stop complaining about the hot stone,it is hot because of the magma tunnels that you dug under it so if I hear another word of you saying "ah canne do it,the stone is just too hot" you will be dumped into the magma below
Yours sincerly,Angry Player.
Post by: Greiger on August 09, 2010, 10:02:41 am
I know you are doing a good job defending our fortress. And I appreciate that. You doing so did require me to redesign all of the fortifications completely so that the only places you can stand when I tell you to man the walls are useful positions because you take the stationing position as a vague suggestion and kept standing in the ammo stockpile instead of someplace you can shoot at goblins, but I am past that at this point.
However the last siege has shown another grievous error in your methods. Yes it was a large invasion force. And I understand you running out of ammo. I even appreciate the fact that you did not charge into the fray swinging your crossbow like a damn fool. But standing around on the fortifications with your thumb up your ass because you ran out of ammo is not acceptable when you are literally standing on a full ammo stockpile.
I would also appreciate it if you would shoot the goblins that are shooting at you. I understand that the goblin swordmaster is a very dangerous, high priority threat. But after he has more bolts in him than are in any of your quivers, I think it may be safe to choose a new target.
Sincerely,
The one keeping you all alive.
P.S. I know where you live.
Post by: scira on August 09, 2010, 12:24:32 pm
What is this "shell" and "silk" that you keep ranting about, no dwarf in the entire fortress has ever seen such a material. Clearly you are insane and must be killed in the excruciating manner of being ripped apart by killer poodles or dehydration and sobriety. The choice is yours, thank you for your understanding.
Sincerely,
Your supreme commander.
Post by: Internet Kraken on August 09, 2010, 12:26:16 pm
You may be wondering why you have been reassigned to the position of digger. It is because we need a replacement after the demise of Avuz Zoluthkol.
Now don't get the impression that this is a dangerous job. No, Avuz was the first casualty we had in this profession. You see, Avuz was apparently a moron. When given an order to pierce the ocean wall in order to fill the flooding chamber, he did not run back to the saftey of the Fortress. Rather than take shelter behind the door like any sane Dwarf, he instead charged straight into the ocean. Of course his pathetic swimming skills were not enough to save him from the torrent of water. This all could have been averted if he had used his head and ran back the way he came instead of entering the ocean.
So to you and all other diggers I say this; use your damn head. Becuase nobody is going to fish your corpse out of the ocean to give it a proper burial, not that you would deserve it.
From Baron Kraken.
Post by: caknuck on August 09, 2010, 12:28:52 pm
Due to overbooking, the migrant wagon to Merchantmansions is full. All luggage must be checked, except for axes, picks and crossbows (which may be carried on) and pet cats (which will be abandoned at the terminal - it's either that or upright spikes at the fort, sorry Urist.) Furthermore, all checked luggage will be chasmed.
Thank you for choosing Dastot Wagonways.
Post by: TheDarkJay on August 09, 2010, 01:18:57 pm
I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.
But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.
Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer
Post by: Spaghetti on August 09, 2010, 01:23:42 pm
Thank you for taking out the forgottten beast Khib
HE was a mighty giant snail with wings that you speared with great accuracy a tower cap spear.
Perhaps if you werent enemies we would let you in the fort but seeing as how this letter will explode in 10 seconds you wont be worrying about this anymore.
- Found in dwarf museum... it did not explode.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on August 09, 2010, 01:25:27 pm
Dear Urist McWeaponsmith
I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.
But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.
Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer
open cavern ->build loom ->Collect Webs/R ->Weave Thread into Silk/R
Post by: TheDarkJay on August 09, 2010, 01:54:19 pm
Dear Urist McWeaponsmith
I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.
But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.
Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer
open cavern ->build loom ->Collect Webs/R ->Weave Thread into Silk/R
I tried. The caverns are either currently being patrolled by forgotten beasts that cause dwarfs eyes to explode, or have no webs in them...
Speaking of which:
Dear Urist McWarrior:
I don't care that it tore off both your arms and it's breath caused your eyes to explode as you slowly bleed to death from every place your body can bleed. I don't have quitters in my army, so get up and finish the fight. Stop passing out and headbutt the bugger to death like a real dwarf!!!
Signed, Urist McUnreasonable
P.S Why do I suspect we wouldn't be having this problem if we had an artefact axe...
Post by: Spaghetti on August 09, 2010, 02:27:41 pm
A diplomat has left unhappy...
fuck
Post by: Eagle_eye on August 09, 2010, 02:54:32 pm
We appreciate the fact that you and your twenty companions came all this way to see our militia commanders new adamantine armor, but to be frank, we don't particularly need 20 poorly skilled vagrants, To deal with this problem, you've all been drafted. Except Mr. McWeaponsmith. he can stay. All migrants entering the army are to report to the magma chamber for training, tomorrow at noon.
Sincerely, your supreme lord and master.
Post by: Indricotherium on August 09, 2010, 04:12:11 pm
As you lure the hydra down the streambed in the ravine, remember the heavily trapped River Gate is down the left fork, not the right fork which is a dead endTHE LEFT FORK! Left! Left fork! LEFT! Lef-oh well. Never mind. Good Luck.
Signed,
The Dwarves of Tinrain
Post by: ledgekindred on August 09, 2010, 05:14:20 pm
Urist McBroker:
Judging from what I have heard from my fellow Overseers, I can only assume that Dwarven Broker school must teach the classics, such as "Sleeping While The Merchants Unpack: 101", "Hauling Crap To The Depot Instead of Trading: 102" and "How To Be Hungry, Thirsty and Tired For The Entire Time The Caravan Is Visiting: 401" among others. I understand you may be sleepy, hungry and/or thirsty. The booze is not going anywhere. In fact, if you got your ass up here, we would have even more booze! But now, see those ass-ends of a bunch of horses? There goes the booze.
Urist McMedic:
I don't know who trained you, but I'm confident it was someone unfamiliar with Dwarven anatomy. When a fellow dwarf has both his upper and lower arms broken and torn open, I think even the most cursory of examinations should be able to determine such. "Sleep it off" is not an acceptable treatment. At least tie a stick to his arm, for Armok's sake. I further feel I must mention the poor dwarf wandering the fortress with the broken lower back. I can only assume she is pulling herself around by her arms and, I must add, doing her job quite adequately nonetheless. However I shall not speak of Urist McChef who has been lying on the dining room floor with a broken leg, begging for a diagnosis, for two years now.
Urist McHunter:
I appreciate your enthusiasm but before you venture on your next hunting expedition can you please explain to me how you are capable of leaving the fort carrying a hundred bolts only to return a few minutes later with an empty quiver and a warthog carcass. Just the other day I watched your very own dog maul an elephant to death by himself. Please take notes next time or we will start charging for ammo.
Urist McMayor:
We have no aluminum. If we had aluminum, I am certain I would build aluminum items for you. A lever and a floodgate specifically. Can you guess what I would then do with them? It rhymes with "Bagma."
To all dwarves:
I have assigned all of you perfectly nice bedrooms. If only you would sleep in them. Stop whining.
Yrs.
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.
P.S.:
Elven caravan, meet Ettin. Ettin, meet Elven caravan. Ettin, meet magma. Mr. Magma is very happy to see you. I thank you both for your business and all that free loot.
Post by: dogstile on August 09, 2010, 05:30:50 pm
Put some freaking clothes on, or I shall make you crispy
Signed
Ghrazkul, Pet dragon
Post by: Akura on August 09, 2010, 05:53:14 pm
As you may know, we accidentally put a hole in the roof of your home. We quickly sealed it up with a mix of magma and water, creating an obsidian roof over your head, and as repayment, engraved it with masterful artworks of your kind and similar beings killing dwarves in a variety of manners so that the value of the new roof is at least as much as the old one, as well as leaving the legendary engraver, his wife, their three daughters, and their pet cat for you to do with at your leisure. Please stop using your mass-magickery to bring the whole universe to a freeze.
Signed,
Urist McBaron.
Dear Urist McMayor,
The liason from the mountainhomes has been enjoying our hopsitality for over a month, and I have specifically ordered you not to be moving objects around, yet you insist on bringing goods to the trade depot, when there are 40 other dwarves assigned directly to that task. Furthermor- what?! Did he just go on break?!
Signed,
An extremely angry overlord.
Post by: Sphalerite on August 09, 2010, 06:19:31 pm
I appreciate the fact that those cows wandering around loose are Dangerous Animals and you need to cancel everything you're doing to drag them back to their chains. But the fact that you can't get to that curtain wall that needs constructing right now doesn't mean you have to declare the job suspended. Suspending the job means nobody can do it. Put the cow back on it's chain, and then go build the wall.
Dear Urist McMilker:
Put the cow back on the chain when you're done milking it. Loose cows distracts the masons.
Post by: gopa4 on August 09, 2010, 06:31:05 pm
I appreciate your enthusiasm to protect the forts central stair well from the denizens of the underworld. But I do believe the orders from above told you to hold your position in the main corridor leading to the underworld with our archer units providing covering fire from the rear. The few remaining dwarves will entomb your carcasses in magma before they perish from the denizens of the underworld.
Sincerely,
A frustrated overlord
Ps. Miners when you get the idea in your mind to mine out one more tile of the precious blue element please ignore it, for all of our sake.
Post by: Shagomir on August 09, 2010, 06:47:47 pm
Dear Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith
Could you please explain your presence underneath the megaproject wall that was being deconstructed on the opposite side of the map from your magma forge? Unfortunately, the collapse seems to have pushed you off a 5 z-level cliff into a canyon with no access ramps of any kind. We regret to inform you that the miners appear to be too busy to dig you out of your predicament, despite the planned rescue tunnel being the only excavation designated. Further, we do not have the medical expertise needed to correct your broken left arm, smashed open left arm, broken left leg, broken right leg, and broken lower back, so you should probably just suck it up.
We have sent this complimentary copper pickaxe, fruit basket, and barrel of Dwarven Wine to help you through your difficult ordeal. Please pick your sorry behind up out of the brook and dig your own way out.
Thanks,
Fortress Management.
Dear Urist McWifeOfLegendaryWeaponsmith,
We regret to inform you that your Husband, Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith, has passed away due to massive internal injuries and his own laziness.
While we understand that this is a difficult time for you and your 17 cats, please try not to break anything or anyone.
Thanks,
Fortress Management.
MEMORANDUM
ATTN: ALL DWARVES CURRENTLY RESIDING IN WIRESTOCKADE
SUBJECT: REGARDING RECENT TANTRUM SPIRALS AND OUTDOOR ADVENTURES
Due to the adventurous nature of some of our residents, there were recently a spate of emotional disturbances. Please note that if you continue to act out, you will be thrown in a magma pit. If you are feeling one step closer to the edge, please visit our new legendary dining room, where we have laid out a complementary buffet and rows of masterwork gold statues.
Additionally, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the new "Burrows" system. The Hammerdwarf will be setting up an individual meeting with all residents to ensure compliance.
Thanks,
Fortress Management
Post by: ledgekindred on August 09, 2010, 07:06:40 pm
Can you try a little harder? My hunter keeps coming back with your friends and now my chefs are up to their eyeballs in elephant. I even bought them stepladders.
Thank you
Post by: Aspgren on August 09, 2010, 07:41:52 pm
All the dwarves. ALL of them are talking about you behind your back and also they're stealing socks.
Signed.
Coolface.stonetablet
Post by: Medicine Man on August 09, 2010, 07:50:40 pm
Please ACCEPT the sacrifices of migrants that we give you,we are doing that instead of dropping them into magma because we want you to stop destroying,if you do not stop destroying we will get our strongest military against you.
Dear Urist Mcminer/militiacaptian
You are our most mighty warrior and you run at the sight of a rabbit,remember?when you were storing that item in a stockpile you ran,screaming from a cute rabbit
please learn that this is just the begining of the horrors you will face.
Signed.Angryplayer
Post by: abadidea on August 09, 2010, 08:34:37 pm
Welcome to the afterlife. I know losing your two dogs in an ambush was hard, but you were trusted by our fortress as both the broker and the chief doctor, and we needed you. Your husband and your friends were there to support you, but you chose to shun them and go on tantruming no matter what was done to appease you. YOU caused the elven diplomat to leave unhappy, YOU left people wracked in pain upon their beds to suffer, YOU have single-handedly made life just a little bit harder for everyone here.
And you wonder why I made Stukos the baroness.
Post by: Tale on August 09, 2010, 10:13:07 pm
I cancelled all jobs, forbade everything. I assigned everyone to a burrow 15 Z levels below ground. Those of you still attempting to stockpile the stone by the in construction walls when I flood the entrance in order to save everyone who isn't A COMPLETE MORON deserve the Goblins.
Thanks,
Urist McPitiless
Post by: Tale on August 09, 2010, 11:14:01 pm
You just witnessed the destruction of your entire fort and everyone but yourself by a single goblin ambush. Now that you've stopped being insane for a minute, could you perhaps go load up the trade depot for essential goods for your continued survival? Stiff upper lip. I mean, I'd hate to interrupt your meeting. That you're having by yourself. Since you're the only one left.
But it might be helpful.
Sincerely,
OVERLORD
Post by: jester on August 09, 2010, 11:17:52 pm
To Baron Urist Binfetishist.
I like you, I really do, you were elected mayor and all you ever asked me for was more bins and bronze stuff. Your mandates of no exports of bins have been wise and well thought out, As such when the mountain homes asked for a candidate for baron, you were the only choice. Your
Dear Urist Mcasskicker: Grats on killing 3 fell beasts, a titan, 12 goblins and innumberable other enemies of the fort. Attaboy.
Dear other 24 members of the military: Seriously wtf?
Dear sole survivor of the olmman hunting party: After watching your titanic 3 year struggles with the giant thing made of salt that turned up in the basement we have decided to call you our friend (I checked the unit screen one day and suddenly he was friendly, probably a good thing, 3 years nonstop fighting and he would have been a bit of a tank) I congratulate you on being able to break all of its fingers and toes but I believe that nexttime you should bring something other than a pointy stick to vanquish the horrors of the deep with.
Post by: h3lblad3 on August 09, 2010, 11:57:21 pm
I understand the death of your close friend has made you question everything.
I understand you are horribly melancholy and upset.
I completely understand you wanting to be a better soldier so you can prevent such things from happening again.
Please stop watching my demonstrations.
You're weirding out your fellow soldiers.
-Your Imaginary Commanding Officer
Post by: FreakyCheeseMan on August 10, 2010, 12:00:42 am
My steel clad, battle-axe wielding, multiple-legendary-skills military are very sensitive. It hurts their feelings when you beat a forgotten beast to within an inch of its life with your wooden spears and bare hands before they can even show up. While I appreciate the kind instinct- if such it can be called- behind leaving the poor winged tarantula alive for them to finish off, and I marvel at the skills neccesary to do so for the months it took us to find you after we started getting mysterious messages about a forgotten beast no longer being enraged, I'm afraid my soldiers took offense at what they probably felt was pity.
Just thought you'd like to know why the two halves of your body are no longer within eyesight of eachother.
Dear Goblins.
We hope to see you again soon. I hope you weren't too put off by the welcome you received on your last ambush, over a year and a half ago, but I promise that if you'd just give us one more chance, at least one of your soldiers will make more than five steps before being cut down by the psychotic cheese graters that are my soldiers.
Yours,
Mayor McGloaty
Post by: KojaK on August 10, 2010, 01:35:41 am
That goat is not dangerous.
-K
Attention family and friends of the now deceased military:
I must apologize for the deaths of the seven military personnel in the fort. I did not anticipate the downward staircases breaching the caverns. I also did not anticipate the two blind cave ogres deciding to explore said stairs. The military did a good job, beating the two ogres senseless with the pointy sticks, which were serving as training swords. All observable parts were quite bruised. The mechanics did a wonderful job setting up the cage traps that eventually led to the capture of said ogres, which I quickly realized was the only way they would stop being a threat. The military suffered only one casualty during the year-long parade of bruises and blood that occurred on a narrow 1x1 staircase. I also did not anticipate the two simultaneous ambushes that occurred almost immediately after this mishap. Only after the military was obliterated did it occur to me that the blind cave ogres could've been useful. Also- locking the doors to the barracks, preventing the ambushers to enter the fort would've been helpful too.
I dropped the ball on that one. Sorry.
-K
Attention all deceased military:
Stop getting attached to those training swords. I swiped all the stuff from three consecutive trader caravans. Hell, I found an adamantine short sword in my stocks in this last fort!
Also, if you must, remember... a training sword is essentially a pointy stick. Jab and stab, not hack and slash.
-K
Post by: Vercingetorix on August 10, 2010, 02:10:30 am
1. Stop complaining about long patrol and sleeping without a proper room. You have a fine room right below the barracks and you haven't been on patrol in months...not to mention the fact that the long patrol was a battle needed to KEEP EVERYONE FROM DYING.
2. It's not my fault the human ambassador was a demon.
3. Please stop engraving skinless demons in the dining room and hospital. I know you like them, but come on now...draw some of the damn querns you like so much.
4. Same to the guy who thought it was funny to make aluminum statues of flies for the same dining room. You know I don't check what you're making out of a desire to protect artistic integrity, but that's unacceptable.
5. Please pull the lever when instructed. We don't need another "flooding incident" in the dining room, now partially covered in mud and decorated resoundingly with flies and demons.
6. Adamantine is for armor, not amulets.
7. Slade does not exist.
Post by: FreakyCheeseMan on August 10, 2010, 05:02:38 am
Please lie down. Please. We're worried about, really. Everyone in this fortress is grateful for all that you've killed for us- the snakement, the goblins, the forgotten beasts, the elves- and frankly, we all feel you've more than earned a break.
See, the thing is... and I know this may come as a shock to you, as you apparently haven't noticed... but, well, you arm's been cut off. Really. It's lying in the moat, with your adamantine axe still clutched in its fingers.
We all agree you handled the incident in true dwarven fashion-, and we were all very impressed by the way you proceeded to beat the goblin that did it, and the rest of his squad, to death with your shield. But going right back to training afterwards... we feel that may be a bit excessive.
We're not asking you to retire or anything, just... let the doctor take a look at it. If you like, we can get you an adamantine shield afterward. Or, just wait for your arm to grow back out of its stump, because frankly, after seeing what you've already done, we're not going to ask questions. If you want to regenerate lost limbs, we won't stop you.
But please, in the meantime, lie down. This is no time to be stoic. This is certainly no time to impersonate a Monty Python character.
Your arm's been cut off.
Post by: Shaio on August 10, 2010, 05:16:07 am
You had years of training superior numbers, and superior weapons, yet still you got cut to shreds by half your number in goblins, i forgive this, even with the fact that one of you carried your babys into the combat, i can forgive that, But stop beings emos, your fits have earn't you a suicide missions, enjoy the undead filled caverns, yes dammit you can take your kids with you, ill send emo mcminer to.
Not that i don't appreciate you managing to drive off the 5 goblins at the expense of 15 of you, as such i have given you a barrel of the finest ale, and a small stockpile of food, the remaining 3 of you may toast to your comrades before you begin your march downwards.
Signed, no that wasn't the sound of someone breaching a magma pipe behind you.
Post by: Ledi on August 10, 2010, 08:35:43 am
Yes, there's a spiral staircase there. However, could you PLEASE finish the floor you are on before going downstairs. I'd like fully mined out rooms before you move on.
Thankyou,
Ledi McFrustrated.
Post by: Samuel on August 10, 2010, 08:53:15 am
Hello, and welcome to your new home. It is always good to increase our population, and I could not ask for better dwarves to do so. Please excuse having to sleep in the dirt for the time being, as we are still working on bedrooms.
Onto the subject at hand, I appreciate your initiative in wanting to help plant seeds in the farm without even being asked to do so. I understand that you are having troubles do to an obstruction blocking you from working the soil. However, I am unsure why you are having such difficulty. It is a dead buzzard. You could move it off the farm without effort. Or you could pick it up and throw it for all I care. Staring at it blankly until you get bored and leave will not be tolerated for much longer.
Sincerely,
Your Mysterious Ruler, Samuel.
Post by: takaratiki on August 10, 2010, 09:02:20 am
When you find yourself outside the monstrously deep cheese-grater of death trap that you worked so diligently to create at the entrance of your fort and the goblins arrive, could you please maintain the self-control necessary to return to the fort via said cheese-grater of death trap instead of throwing your stubby wee arms into the air and running around outside of the forts protective walls in a thinly veiled attempt to schuck off this mortal coil? Suicide is maximally un-Dwarvenly, unless you have failed to build the hatch cover of your dreams or are pining for your recently murdered kitten, then it falls well within the limits of culturally acceptable practices. Thank you.
Post by: INSANEcyborg on August 10, 2010, 10:30:01 am
As you know, the surrounding area has been classified as "terrifying" and, as such, is extremely dangerous. Also, in addition to frequent Goblin attacks, Kobald raiding parties have been sighted looting from the surrounding area. Unfortunately, we are unable to provide military escorts at this time. Travel is not advised, do so at your own risk. We cannot be held responsible to any deaths, particularly those caused by announcing your arrival in close proximity to a hostile squad.
P.S. In the event you survive, make sure all merchants and animals are inside the depot at all times. Please do not use your horse as a door stopper, or have your guards position on the other side of the wall.
Post by: Laiska on August 10, 2010, 11:21:36 am
1st, welcome to the military. You can find your suit of armor and a weapon of choise near the entrance. You hold the weapon the pointy end outwards, and remember to remove the carcass inside the said armor before use. when you see a war blendec wielding a bow, kill it. dismiss!
Dwarf McLegendary: "You think they survive?"
Dwarf McLeader: "No, and we're out off migrants... Are they pass the bridge?"
"Aye." "Raise it."
Post by: ElChad on August 10, 2010, 02:49:13 pm
Dear Peons
I'm aware the hospital bed is a few feet closer to you than the dormitories. However, please refrain from using it unless you are injured. If you wish, you may be assigned to one of the many more accident prone positions than your current one.
Have a great Obsidian!
Post by: Virodhi on August 10, 2010, 04:25:51 pm
Your legendary status in one of the truly useful professions earns you quite a lot of patience with your quirks, and none of us here think you less of a dwarf for your fear of lampreys. Also, I understand that working out under the great blue yonder is intimidating after years of tireless service carving out the halls below. And, really, the expansion of the waterfall is an aesthetic touch. There's no rush. If the scary lamprey gets too close, just walk away. You've not done a day's military service in your life, you know. You're kidding no one by playing chicken with the watery fiend. Dodging off the cliff to watery doom far, far below kind of gives it away.
Signed,
The Overseer
Addendum to all junior associates of McMining Soil And Mineral Relocation Corp.: Stop copycatting him, you lackwits.
Post by: phoenixuk on August 10, 2010, 07:50:27 pm
Please for the love of god just let Alath Ralziril, Miner, wounded in combat with the evil snow titan (seriously, snow...) die already... you've been performing surgery on him every 5 minutes for a month! The screams are giving our dwarflings nightmares! Either figure out what you are doing to him or just let him go!
And should you figure it out, and he actually survives, i'm going to let him decide which of you get's sent to the arena...
Signed,
Baron McHatessurgery
Post by: jwest23 on August 11, 2010, 11:40:39 pm
Would the stone worker who undertook the job to carve fortifications into the warm stone wall please return to the job site to reclaim your lips.
In the future, all stone workers are to refrain from kissing fortifications, especially when magma is about to flow through them.
--The Mgmt
Post by: deltagear on August 11, 2010, 11:59:56 pm
I understand I haven't set your healcare labors yet, but please unless you want to end up a corspes in the trash compactor don't retrieve or dead warriors from the dangerous areas outside the safe fortress walls.
your's truly dwarf stalin.
Post by: mellonbread on August 12, 2010, 12:25:29 am
You had it coming.
Post by: lanceleoghauni on August 12, 2010, 12:37:57 am
Post by: deltagear on August 12, 2010, 12:40:48 am
Dear Incoming Immigrants: Due to housing concerns all dwarves not in possession of desired skills will shortly be sent to resettlement camps. There will be loads of free booze. Please ignore the large bridges surrounding the party area.
Pleas assume the party escort submission position. :P
Post by: Ieb on August 12, 2010, 01:27:58 am
I understand that it has you shocked to find that your squad of five has been cut down to two, literally. But you are a strong bunch, quite new to military life but you at least managed to get it together unlike your three squad-mates, which included your squad leader.
I would like that the new squad leader would emphasize to future additions of Squad C that under no circumstance, should a retreat order to the burrows be given, for anyone in the squad start heading to the surface.
When we give an order to retreat to safety, it's always for a good reason. Usually those reasons resolve around armed goblins, rampaging kobolds or yet another attack by skeletal or zombie creatures. Your armor can only protect you from so much harm, but against stupidity even masterwork steel can't help with.
Keep up the good work and learn from your previous superior officer's mistake.
Signed, the Mayor.
Post by: opsneakie on August 12, 2010, 01:49:05 am
You suck. Seriously. You had plenty of weaponry and armor, and were barely outnumbered. Seriously. You suck so badly.
Sincerely,
Your Replacements.
Post by: Greiger on August 12, 2010, 10:45:36 am
I know we have had a shortage of booze lately, and the elves bringing booze was very forward thinking of them. However the trade depot is NOT a safe place during this goblin ambush. Most of the booze has already been brought inside, drink some there, you don't have to drink the booze directly from the depot in direct violation of the "Get Yer Civilian Asses Inside" order.
If you don't de-ass the trade depot with the quickness I'm locking yer ass outside to die with the elves.
Sincerely about to put my foot in yer ass,
The Militia Commander.
EDIT:
To Engraver # 9
Seriously, what the fuck man. Thanks to YOU, the relatively simple, idiot-proof tower cap farm project will include casualties. Yes the tower cap area was being flooded from the water cistern. And yes, since it has been more than 5 years since the cistern has been drained all the underground trees that were in stasis suddenly shot up to full size instantly, so I did need a few folks to go down there to perform maintenance.
Those folks did not include you and yer half dozen children. I wanted woodcutters. And you went down there to do god knows what, well after the woodcutters had finished, while the tree farm was being drained.
I hope you and your children enjoyed being forced through the fortifications and dumped unceremoniously into the mud of the cavern. Fortunately for you, the spotters say that the forgotten beasts have taken note of the resounding sound of your legs breaking from the impact, and they will likely save you a slow painful death.
We will not be collecting your mangled corpses. Have a nice day.
Love,
The Baron.
Post by: sekullbe on August 13, 2010, 11:09:44 am
The hospital ward's gonna be the hospital pool pretty soon, see if I don't.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 13, 2010, 11:20:42 am
I TOLD you not to use the Bismuth Bronze bolts for hunting!now what are you going to defend the fortress with?sticks and teeth?
Signed,Angryplayer.
Post by: Supersquee on August 13, 2010, 12:22:38 pm
Your free healthcare has been removed due to your exploratory dive into the lava moat, if you manage to crawl back out we will not come get you.
Post by: Un67 on August 13, 2010, 12:30:23 pm
Go to work already. Quit moaching around like you can't do it, you know you have everything you need...
Post by: otze3000 on August 13, 2010, 02:19:21 pm
we appreciate your commitment to the job. But if you're to go to a burrow immediately please see to it, We appreciate your commitment but do NOT run off away from the fort entrance when engaged by goblins. The military will come to your rescue asap, let them do their job as you do yours. We will notify your next your kin about your passion for plucking that root, though.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 14, 2010, 12:24:08 am
You slept during a gobbo ambush!we would have WON if you were not asleep,you were fully decked in Bismuth Bronze and you had weapons that you like!
Signed,Reallypissedoffplayer.
Post by: TherosPherae on August 14, 2010, 12:41:20 am
You guys are all morons. When you're digging a pit for me to throw useless immigrants into to get practice for my doctors, you do NOT test the pit to "see if it works". All three of you morons died that way - one from the fall, two from infection. And you wondered why my doctors needed practice. Your replacements will be arriving shortly, in the form of the immigrants that would've been shoved down the pit had you not been complete idiots.
Good riddance,
TherosPherae.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 14, 2010, 07:55:28 am
You went melancholy a month ago for no apparant reason,we have magma pools everywhere and you don't choose to end your life in any one of them.You must be an attention whore.
Signed.Uristmcemohater.
Post by: ungulateman on August 14, 2010, 08:30:40 am
When you found a dwarven outpost, if you aren't going to give them stone to build furnaces out of, and expect them to smelt their own picks and axe, expect to have seven less dwarves in your civilisation shortly afterwards.
Sincerely,
UristMcKing
Post by: Tommy on August 14, 2010, 10:00:57 am
If you really are intent on conducting a meeting with the liaison, you'll find the trick is to walk towards him, not perpetually in the opposite direction. There's no reason it should take two or three seasons to talk about trade agreements. I've seen dorfs go mad over less.
Much love,
Urist McLockingyouinaroom
Post by: phoenixuk on August 14, 2010, 11:51:50 am
We offer you no sympathy, you clearly were equipped with crossbows and quivers, and the bolt stockpile is overflowing, yet you still decided to rush up to the goblin ambush squad and attack with your bow butt.
Fortunately your idiotic assault did absorb large amounts of goblin bowfire, allowing the heavily armed and armoured "Steel Unkillable death dealing bastards (2nd division)" to close on the enemy without having to bother using any of the shield training we spent two seasons drumming into them.
Your fetid moronic pincushion corpses will be strung up by the gates as a warning to immigrants.
Kind Regards,
Militia commander Urist McTacticuser
Post by: Tsarwash on August 14, 2010, 01:43:29 pm
Was it strictly necessary for you to spend two whole years in a hospital bed ? We know that you are a fragile type, but were you just looking for extra sympathy. I know you did 'fight' that forgotten beast, but actually it was your subordinates that slew it. It breathed onto you a little and you had a hissy fit and ran away. We admit that we were having problems with the medical department at the time and there was nobody to diagnose you for that period. But when you were finally looked at by Urist Mcsurgeon, he declared that there was absoutly nothing at all wrong with you and promptly discharged you. You have been the leader of our glorious military for six years now, and your total kill tally is one single raccoon. Even our soapmaker has done better for the defense our our fortress in this time. We are hearby informing you that your services shall no longer be required in your present role. Do not be disheartened by our actions. We have many new opportunities opening up for a dwarf of your stature. Don't think of your new role in the stone hauling department as a demotion, more as a sideways step into an excing new career.
Your Unseen Superior.
Post by: Samuel on August 14, 2010, 10:59:08 pm
I was fully aware that that was a load-bearing wall. My bad.
Signed,
Samuel
PS I laughed when you died.
Post by: SkyRender on August 14, 2010, 11:12:12 pm
From: That voice in your head that tells you what to do
RE: proper etiquette for dragging Goblins to the execution tower
Please refrain from running away in terror from your prisoners when you've been instructed to toss them off of the execution tower. You have been selected for this job specifically to dispose of the threat, so your reacting to the threat by fleeing from it is not conducive to the future of our fort. Thank you and good day.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 15, 2010, 01:26:15 am
Fair enough you are scared of the zombie buzzards but please stop suspending construction of the drawbridge,we need that to prevent any arena nasties from escaping,oh and you've been drafted to the military.
Signed,voice in every dwarfs head.
Post by: smokingwreckage on August 15, 2010, 09:55:07 am
I, your beloved invisible leader, will be leaving for a much-needed refreshing holiday.
By the way, there's a forgotten beast coming up the central stairwell, and we have no military. Or traps. Or doors. Anyway, good luck, must fly. Goodness, is all that blood from one dwarf? Cheerio, lads!
- Fearless Leader.
Post by: randompeep on August 15, 2010, 12:38:31 pm
I don't know who did it, but I would much appreciate it if you didn't decide to drop the anvil we brought on embark into the nearby murky pool. The damn pool is not even near the wagon or the stockpiles!
Post by: jseah on August 15, 2010, 12:47:47 pm
There are no dwarven corpses in the entrance corridor. Repeat, there are no casualties in the glorious victory over the vile goblins. Repeat, there are no goblins just outside the raised drawbridge.
Our doctors have identified a new disease that causes such delusions. Anyone who experiences these symptoms should report to the
Any objections will be heard by the very same Hammerer.
All people exiting the room are fully cured. Any who believe otherwise or have delusions of missing people is having a relapse or is a carrier and must report to said room.
Effective Immediately,
Central Administration
Post by: Internet Kraken on August 16, 2010, 04:27:31 am
(http://img834.imageshack.us/img834/6740/ogrelover.png)
These Engravings are unacceptable. I know I asked you to depict the history of our civilization and Fortress rather than koala demons, but I don't like being reminded of my failures as your leader when I walk down the halls of our Fortress. While Ogres smashing Dwarves is the best summary of our Fortresses history, you could focus on the positive aspects instead to help improve morale.
So either stop making these appalling images or I will be forced to relieve you of your duties. This may involve an unfortunate accident involving the Ogres you seem to love so much.
From Expedition Leader Kraken.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 16, 2010, 04:32:12 am
WHAT.THE.FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL!We told you to WALL OFF the caverns not WALL YOURSELF IN!You will not be saved,there are far more important and intelligent dwarfs out there who could take your place as a mason
Signed,VoiceInHead.
Post by: Ieb on August 16, 2010, 06:43:14 am
I appreciate how eager you were to go and channel those few spots for the drowning trap we're constructing. However, while we also appreciate thinking outside the box, was it really necessary to go channel them right away just because there was that maintenance tunnel that, until the lever is pulled, connects the drowning trap to trash-clearance? Yes there are stairs leading up from there so you can do your job. Yes we know we wanted those spots channelled.
But you cut off the way to the fort yourself, you channeled the spot for the retracting bridge yourself, you knew that there was no way into the fort after that. We're close to finishing that bridge though, so you're lucky with that.
There's also a gigantic one-eyed cricket hopping to your general direction and those mandibles look kind of poisonous. Better get those legs moving!
Telepathically signing off, your Octopus Overlord.
Post by: Zaik on August 16, 2010, 06:51:59 am
er,
Dear Urist,
When I tell you to build a wall/floodgate/grate/etc. to keep something out, i do NOT expect or want you to go on the side of the wall/floodgate/grate/etc. that the thing i am trying to keep out is on to build it, then trap yourself inside. I will leave you in there next time to die i swear it, tantrum spiral be damned.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 16, 2010, 12:24:45 pm
For Armok's sake,stop hauling that sock and GET TO FIGHTING THOSE GOBBO'S!
Signed,.....
Post by: geoduck on August 16, 2010, 01:24:22 pm
Perhaps this has already been mentioned, but there are much much closer rocks you can use than those ones all the way down at the bottom of the map in the tombs. They are just as good! Really!
Post by: Samuel on August 16, 2010, 04:12:36 pm
I do indeed regret not having a trade depot up when you arrived, as it was an inconvenience for both of us. This, however, does not justify you striding into my fortress and walking around, snooping into every room. I am a patient man, and I was willing to tolerate this. What ultimately brought my patience to it's limit was when you walked into my Expedition Leader's bedroom to watch her while she slept. That's some Edward Cullen bullshit. You two hadn't even met, you creep.
Enjoy floating around the lake, which is quickly stagnating due to being filled with your rotting flesh.
Signed,
Samuel
Post by: DrGravitas on August 16, 2010, 07:20:01 pm
I know you are all quite disappointed about our recent training exercises. Yes, it's quite sad that you, with your bronze armor and silver warhammers, took such a pounding from 6 mountain goats and 2 deer. Yes, it's a pretty depressing fact knowing that the animals in question were forced over no less than 10 stone-fall traps and yet still their kicks fell upon you with vigor enough to do such harm. But, be glad! For I had 4 caged Unicorns that I could have released instead!
On a special note, Urist McMayorWarrior:
Please do not fall asleep within the
P.S. No, McMayorWarrior, we are not building you 2 elk bird horn items. Live with it or die.
Edited P.P.S. The 3 Unicorn 1 deer chamber is now prepared. Please suit up and join your new brothers-in-arms, The Released Tools in the designated area.
Signed,
Your severely disappointed Supreme Commander.
Post by: Shurhaian on August 16, 2010, 07:33:25 pm
Your schedule and your uniform are not to be viewed as optional. You have been instructed to be in full battle dress at all times, and to have no less than five of you - half your number - training at any given time before any may be off-duty at all. To date, your captain has demonstrated his superior leadership skills by fetching his gear, acquiring rations, filling his waterskin, and reporting to the barracks to drill.
It would be greatly appreciated if anyone else in the squad would stir himself to so much as glance at the armory.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Dear Overseer,
It is much easier to whip my recruits into shape if you tell me who's supposed to be in the squad.
Yrs,
Captain, The Hollow Gates
Post by: nonobots on August 16, 2010, 10:14:51 pm
It has been reported that you are cleaning up the water and muddy floors in the northwest chamber.
We all love a clean environment and we know you don't have much to do, as we just arrived here. If you want any chance of practicing your trade anytime soon you will stop all cleaning activities and you will join your fellows in irrigating the northwest chamber by hauling buckets.
Thanks
Thirsty and Hungry Overseer
Post by: AngleWyrm on August 16, 2010, 11:00:30 pm
I realize this is a delicate time for you, just please be aware that there is in fact no such thing as a "Rock Bar."
Thanks for your understanding,
-The voice of reason
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on August 17, 2010, 01:30:53 am
Post by: Golcondio on August 17, 2010, 05:10:32 am
No, "item blocking site" is not a excuse to goof off instead of placing the much needed 70 gold tables and 200 gold thrones in our newly-mined legendary dining hall.
In fact, if only you had half a fly's brain, you would notice that the "item" that is "blocking site" is a goddamned ROCK that has been marked for DUMPING because IT IS BLOCKING THE LOVEMAKING SITE!!!
The first one to ever suspend the task, I will make sure he/she's also too tired to sleep, too hungry to eat and too thirsty to drink (and of course too insane to clean self).
The others will directly carve fortifications on the volcano wall.
Signed,
Logistics Management
Post by: ungulateman on August 17, 2010, 05:18:48 am
Post by: Golcondio on August 17, 2010, 07:27:31 am
Post by: newto on August 17, 2010, 07:11:52 pm
I understand you were injured by the mysterious blob of salt that threatened our fortress while trying to collect some wood. A broken left false rib and left lung ARE fairly serious injuries, but unfortunately we have no gypsum and are reliant on dwarven traders for cast supplies and injuries to soldiers and hunters take priority.
I am not judging your choice to stay unconscious since the attack, but Urist McLegendaryMiner and Urist McBrokerSiegeOperator are both missing hands and are capable of working.
I would suggest arranging transport from the dining room to the hospital, as it is not appropriate to lie unconscious on the floor for SEVEN YEARS for a broken rib.
Post by: breadbocks on August 17, 2010, 07:34:23 pm
THE LOVEMAKING SITE!!!
This was all I saw. Where can I report to the lovemaking site, sir?
Post by: Internet Kraken on August 24, 2010, 02:02:01 am
(http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/3205/idiotse.png)
Good job morons.
Post by: LizardKing on August 24, 2010, 04:04:49 am
While I appreciate your need to train to keep in shape, it would be much appreciated if the various members of squads Axechop and Hammersmashy would not run off to train when you are assigned to help the Boltshooters take down a cyclops, which resulted in 1 death and another with multiple broken bones. In future, please deal with all immediate threats before resuming your normal training schedule.
Thank you very bloody much.
Post by: flatlander on August 24, 2010, 08:18:29 am
It is understandable to take a break, run off for a drink, and grab a bite to eat when called to negotiate for goods. What is not acceptable is to run halfway to the trade depot, stop, and then grab a magma forge in a state of possession. The traders have left... and you are asking for two types of material we were going to acquire from them. You will discover this note etched in the solid locked door of the room which has been constructed around you. The adaptable magma channel™ has been rerouted to the hole in the ceiling just above you. As soon as we hear you banging on the door expect hot magma death; followed by encasement in obsidian.
Sincerely,
The Computer
Post by: cog disso on August 24, 2010, 08:23:08 am
Pull the lever.
Sincerely,
The Sadistic, Bored Player.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 24, 2010, 08:25:39 am
PLEASE PLEASE PLEAASE stop walking through fire!IT WILL KILL YOU!
SIGNED,CAPSLOCKER.
Post by: cog disso on August 24, 2010, 08:32:00 am
RE: The +lead cage+
SURE, FEEL FREE TO JUST LIVE THERE. HELL, LICK IT. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO EXPECTATIONS OF YOU ANYWAY. THROW A PARTY WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, I WASN'T USING THOSE 500 BARRELS OF WINE ANYWAY.
Post by: Knick on August 24, 2010, 08:52:13 am
I appreciate your desire to be useful, and zeal in gathering stray items of value.
But don't you think the sight of a dismembered fisherdwarf floating in a blood-stained river might be a bit of a hint that things are not quite right? When you saw your comrades pulled screaming into the water, to be torn limb from limb--did that not give you pause for thought--that perhaps a carp-infested river is not the safest place for a dwarf?
Yours, etc.
The Management
Post by: ledgekindred on August 24, 2010, 11:44:19 am
Please put two boots on. We have many perfectly nice steel boots for you. And look! They will go on either foot! I am wondering why you have not learned a lesson from your two fellow soldiers who now have injuries to their feet during that last puny ambush, and your other fellow who got his foot stomped on -- and broken -- by an unarmed "training goblin." Perhaps this is some kind of hazing ritual, but please, please put shoes on when it's time to go fight.
P.S. Why do you all refuse to wear a left boot?
To the marksdwarves of Eagleorbs:
Frankly I'm mystified. The only reason I can think of for you to not shoot at the goblins on the other side of the fortifications at which you are stationed is because you are laughing too hard at their panic over the fact that a quarter of their number got caged and another half got turned into goblinburger from our steel discs. I note that you have your crossbows at hand and a quiver full of the lovely iron bolts we made for you, yet you seem content to stand around and chit-chat rather than take advantage of the perfectly good target practice running around in the front yard.
P.S. I'm not sure if this is more or less annoying than when you use those iron bolts at the archery range, despite being told not to, and despite the fact that we have nearly a thousand wooden bolts within arms' reach of the archery targets.
To the entire military:
The eyeless lizard with the three stubby horns that keeps trying to shoot webs out of its cage is the plains titan Omus Resmath Oslukakusm and he shall be your next target practice subject. I suggest you a) put shoes on and b) figure out which bit goes into the other bit to make your crossbow work.
Yrs.
Your Fortress Overlord Esq.
Post by: Robsoie on August 24, 2010, 11:59:20 am
I can understand that you all have some bizarre fetish with toes and fingers, but it is important that you stop trying to hit speargoblins toes and fingers with your shields and start hitting their heads with your shiny axes.
Post by: Dahenk on August 24, 2010, 12:10:28 pm
When building a wall to seal off a terrifying underground cave, filled with horrific forgotten beasts and weird monsters with five razorteeth filled mouths, at least TRY to position yourself on the safe side?
Post by: Knick on August 24, 2010, 09:39:59 pm
From: Mayor Urist McRedface
Gentlemen:
Please refrain from tearing off your comrades' armour and clothing while sparring in the barracks. The human trade liaison was very upset at the display.
Post by: lordofhyphens on August 24, 2010, 11:26:02 pm
Please just drop the vermin corpses in the designated magma pit instead of the refuse pile.
Post by: Medicine Man on August 25, 2010, 12:03:48 am
Memo to: Wrestler Squad, the Fenced Diversions, Barrack AThe Gloved Loves?
From: Mayor Urist McRedface
Gentlemen:
Please refrain from tearing off your comrades' armour and clothing while sparring in the barracks. The human trade liaison was very upset at the display.
Post by: ungulateman on August 25, 2010, 03:49:22 am
If you won't let me pick your squad names, generate some decent random names.
Honestly.
Yours,
Armok
Post by: bremarv on August 26, 2010, 03:24:36 pm
While I understand that work can be tiring, especially the hauling stones for walls, some would say the area designated for said wall is an innapropriate place to take a break. Especially when the wall is ment to funnel the goblin ambush into our traps, thus saving dwarfs.
As a reward for choosing where to take a break with so much care, you have been promoted to leader of the GADS, or Goblin Ambush Diversion Squad.
Hope you are good at running.
Dear Urist McDedicatedHauler:
While your dedication to doing the tasks assigned to you are appreciated, the alarms signaling goblin attacks are usually not sounded for fun. Hope you won't be too dissapointed at the bridges being up when you return.
Post by: lordofhyphens on August 30, 2010, 08:18:07 am
Slade does not exist, except in the confines of your small mind. While barring exports of it is acceptable, any tyrannical attempts to mandate construction of items out of a fantasy stone will result in your immediate and swift deposing.
Signed,
Imeshcatten Craftsdwarfs Guild
Post by: Medicine Man on August 30, 2010, 09:30:18 am
HOW DARE YOU BE IMMUNE TO MAGMA DUE TO A MOD GLITCH YOU BASTARD!
Signed, REALLYangryplayer
Post by: Shootandrun on August 30, 2010, 01:45:27 pm
Yes, we closed the gates. But dont be sad: it was to lead you to the "Way of the fun" and the "Room of the love", in wich you and your friends will be able to test our iron menacings pikes, our dragon-based defense system, and after that you will have access to the room of love.
PS: if i was you, i would not pull that lever. Your room of love could become really hot, really fast.
PPS: Dont care if you see a friend diing. Its normal.
PPPS: Dont place blood every where, please.
Post by: deoxys413 on August 30, 2010, 02:29:13 pm
I'm well aware that the quickest path to two objects is a straight line. However, if said straight line is through a river in midst of thawing, one would presume that the loud cracking and shifting of ice floes would tip you off that the quickest way may not be the most health-efficient. Oh well, I'm sure the carpenter can take over your woodcutting duties...
Signed,
Mildly Miffed
Post by: cog disso on August 30, 2010, 02:44:03 pm
♫ Ceci n'est pas une furry maggot...
Post by: AzureAngelic on August 30, 2010, 03:41:30 pm
Please refrain from removing the expertly-designed stone flooring in inappropriate order whilst working above the fortress. Should this occur again, you will be relegated to masonry duty and ordered to repair the large hole punched 30 z-levels downward.
-Management
Post by: MadJax on August 30, 2010, 03:56:56 pm
I have been asked a string of questions about our military practices recently, and after careful observation, have written this short guide for
1) Dodging demonstrations are important, I understand this, as are fighting and striking demonstrations. Listen to your instructors to avoid magma and water based incidents when avoiding killing blows. Don't, for the love of Armok, decide to take a nap during these demonstrations. I explicitly ordered 7 of the 10 of you to be training, and I know full well 2 of your comrades are in hospital after heroically slaughtering goblins.
2) 2 or 3 of your comrades have a kill list as long as their weapons. After 4 solid years of combat and training, you are expected to achieve at least one kill. What the
3) A siege or ambush is coming, you've all been ordered to the gates to await combat to arrive through the bottleneck and traps. You have plenty of warning, you were drafted at least a year ago. So for the love of Armok tell me why you are NOW picking up your equipment. You were ordered to keep it on even if off duty. Actually...
3a) Equipment mismatch??! MISMATCH?! It's a f&*&ing master steel gauntlet. I have 20-30 spare in case of breakage or loss. What, is it the wrong f&£^ing colour for you?! Doesn't match your nails?!
4) I appreciate all the work you have done over the years Urist McChampion, but when you insist on running into battle with your pet kitten against a titan/FB/ major siege, don't take it out on the others or our lovely buildings if said kitten is turned to paste. Leave it at home or at the butchers.
And finally:
5) If you have been asked to join the city guard, you have the authority to arrest or issue beatings with necessary force. Necessary force does not mean slicing off limbs or major living parts (Heads, legs, ENTIRE F^$&ING TORSOS). Yes the "Legendary" looks intimidating, and yes that miner is as tough as the rock he digs, but he's no more deadly than the f***ing goats you run away from you pansy.
Failure to comply will result in pulling of our patented "Noble Happy Fun Time Lever".
-Overseer MadJax
Post by: Flaede on August 30, 2010, 04:09:49 pm
Dear Urist,
There are two dwarves in my fortress (we'll call them Ashley and Troy) that have been "lovers" for a decade! They just can't seem to take that final leap, even though they are constantly hosting parties and are a general socializing force of nature. I think the problem is that these two live in a Deon Genesis mod fort, and she is the psychiatrist. Ashley on the other hand, is an Obsidian Dwarf with very little to do other than the occasional pumping and engraving duties. Nothing all that common in a 10 year old fort! (the last of the pump stacks yet to be automated have been delayed just so he can get a small amount of work). My question is, how can I get them to finally commit?
- Hopeless Matchmaker
Post by: Urist McTaverish on August 30, 2010, 04:42:14 pm
I can understand you get thirsty, I really can. Sobriety is a terrible thing, and therefore I keep several stockpiles of booze within 100 steps of anywhere in the fort. You could have used those, but instead you chose to take a drink from a stockpile nearly 150 Z-levels down from where you started, one that happened to be in an experimental process to test a new mining technique. Your subsequent death due to asplosions is entirely your own fault.
Your invisible overlord
Dear Mrs. McThirsty:
Again I apologize for the untimely demise of your husband, but I must reiterate that I'd be surprised if enough of him remained after the accident to bury, so I must insist you stop accusing us of not providing him a proper burial. No one really feels like exploring that part of the mines any more due to the forgotten beast now roaming around, and you could consider that whole section his tomb now that we've walled it off. Please desist this melancholy before you hurt someone and the hammerer is forced to hurt you.
Your invisible overlord.
Post by: Josephus on August 30, 2010, 04:45:47 pm
I originally understood this thread title differently than it was intended (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_Abby), and I have written this "letter to Urist" in in that spirit and style.
Dear Urist,
There are two dwarves in my fortress (we'll call them Ashley and Troy) that have been "lovers" for a decade! They just can't seem to take that final leap, even though they are constantly hosting parties and are a general socializing force of nature. I think the problem is that these two live in a Deon Genesis mod fort, and she is the psychiatrist. Ashley on the other hand, is an Obsidian Dwarf with very little to do other than the occasional pumping and engraving duties. Nothing all that common in a 10 year old fort! (the last of the pump stacks yet to be automated have been delayed just so he can get a small amount of work). My question is, how can I get them to finally commit?
- Hopeless Matchmaker
We should totally make a Dear Urist thread.
Post by: ledgekindred on August 30, 2010, 06:43:50 pm
It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship. It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off. Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves? Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public? "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say. If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.
Yrs.
Urist McAbbey
Post by: fivex on August 30, 2010, 06:56:33 pm
When constructing floor grates at the top of waterfalls, please do not use another to go in the river that the waterfall is flowing from to construct the floor grate from behind.
Signed,
Fivex
Post by: Flaede on August 30, 2010, 07:02:42 pm
Dear Flaede,
It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship. It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off. Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves? Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public? "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say. If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.
Yrs.
Urist McAbbey
:D I am loving this responce almost too much to point out that "Troy" is the "she", and is the fort Psychologist. Ash is the mostly-out-of-work layabout that's hanging about the fort, making far too many "friends".
We should totally make a Dear Urist thread.
I would, but I'm a little afraid of the sorts of situations that Dwarves would write to "Dear Urist" about.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on August 30, 2010, 08:47:54 pm
Dear Flaede,
It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship. It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off. Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves? Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public? "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say. If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.
Yrs.
Urist McAbbey
As a follow up:
Dear Uris McLegendarycraftdwarf:
I too was disappointed that our experiment to use Dwarven alcohol as a method for mining was unsuccessful. Also, I'm entirely surprised that your artifact bin was used in said experiment, as I thought I had designated the stockpile be filled from one that didn't have your bin. Quite obviously the haulers involved with get some wall-to-wall counseling, I do not appreciate you having a tantrum over art defacement, and subsequently breaking an artifact table as you punched the creator of said table. A spiral was only avoided because I decided to use floodgates instead of doors. Fortunately the families of the two are still ecstatic, but now I have to carve out two tombs for both you and the table maker, and I'm out two craftsdwarves. You'll be happy to know, however, that your apprentice has entered a mood, so everything isn't too bad.
Your invisible Overlord.
Post by: ElthMysterius on August 30, 2010, 09:58:07 pm
While I am disappointed that none of you ever managed to strike down that giantess that was beating every single one of you to a pulp, I have to congratulate you on your ingenuity on finally dealing with the threat. Really, dodging into a pool and having the beast leap after you was truly a display of heroic sacrifice. While the dwarf responsible for the drowning of the giantess will be post-humously credited for the kill, I expect you not to repeat this when you see a goat.
Signed,
Your easily amused Overseer
Post by: Gearheart on August 30, 2010, 11:28:20 pm
When you and your team of six finally locate a perfect location to set up your new home, it would probably be a bloody good idea not to park the wagon on a frozen river in a temperate biome at the beginning of spring.
I hope you have learned from your mistake, because while the fish are probably having a hell of a good time, you have no food left, unless you like 100x diluted booze and soggy meat.
Signed
Your friendly neighborhood overseer
Post by: MadJax on August 31, 2010, 04:11:24 pm
I would like to express my sincere congratulations to you all for our successful breach of the
- Very Puzzled Overseer MadJax
P.S. Top marks to our military for the complete failure to do anything when the forgotten beat decided to take up residence in your barracks. Lucky that woodcutter happened to walk past and decide to be awesome, eh? You're all going for a magma bath if this keeps up.
P.P.S. Would the owner of the red GCS silk socks, please pick them the f*** up, you left your FPS void on.
Post by: FlamingCow on August 31, 2010, 04:36:01 pm
Whilst I understand the importance of a good drink, good food and a good period of relaxation, letting a strange mood fail due to your unwillingness to trade with your fellow dwarves is bloody unacceptable and very annoying. I would dispose of you if you weren't so goddamned useful.
Yrs,
Hive Mind
Post by: Neopolis on August 31, 2010, 06:45:51 pm
I understand, sometimes people get ideas that they just have to bring to life. And at times like that, it's easy to get excited. But when you are a doctor, and you are treating an axedwarf who was bitten by a gorilla and is bleeding from the liver, (a very important organ for dwarves) I do not care whether or not you are an armorsmith, making that artifact iron shield can wait!
I nicknamed that doctor "House". It sort of fits, since his only good medical skill is Diagnosticism... Now I just need to injure his leg somehow... ::)
Post by: Greiger on August 31, 2010, 08:17:19 pm
That was absolutely pathetic. I have never seen such blatant disregard for orders. Yes for the first half of the battle you were all doing admirably especially considering the fact that we were facing 2 different armies at once. And then you, Kirsij Weightmartered the Skewered Screams got greedy. You already had 16 kills to your name, yet you charge out of the low LOS hall to pursue a fleeing orc.
Yes, you slaughtered many. However you also cost the lives of three of your fellow military. And not the raw recruits. Shrek, your COMMANDER dodged into the spikepit during the battle to support you and was stabbed to death by a goblin while unconscious. Oothar died rescuing you from a hammergoblin that was about to finish you off after you fell into your own spikepit. And Ghor, the only legendary soldier in the entire fortress, the first ever migrant to the fortress, who spent SEVEN YEARS training and has stories of his valor engraved upon the walls of YOUR ROOM. Died to a bolt from a troll hunter.
Yes, you gained a whopping 10 kills during your charge, and subsequent martial trance. But you should also add the deaths of your fellows to your list. Murderer. Further channeling of Leeroy Jenkins will not be looked kindly upon. Fortunately for you, you are now the most experienced soldier in the fortress, so you get to avoid the drowning chamber of dishonor for now.
No we will not be re-engraving the walls of your room. Deal with it.
Sincerely,
Armok
P.S. I'm keeping an eye on you marksmen, next time pick up the ammo at your feet, and keep shooting, the only reason I don't make an example of you is because your squad was the only one that actually stayed at their station.
P.P.S Fortress Guard: Excellent work. You will see your rooms upgraded to accommodate your heroics holding off the trolls that got through the scattered lines during the debacle. You are to each receive a platinum bar floor tile in your rooms. The highest military honor of the fortress, be proud.
Post by: Wolock on August 31, 2010, 10:26:35 pm
When I order you to use wooden bolts for training and metal bolts for combat it's not code for doing the opposite. You are putting yourself and comrades at risk when some goblins show up with armor.
Yrs,
Urist McBoss
P.S.: You are not entitled to a military funeral and your widows and children won't received any help from the administration, you should have think it twice.
Post by: lolghurt on August 31, 2010, 10:53:23 pm
PLEASE STOP SURVIVING YOUR MAGMA BATH.
YOU ARE WASTING VALUABLE BEDS
Post by: Psychobones on August 31, 2010, 11:31:20 pm
While your service is commendable, in the future you should consider timing on things. I understand that sometimes, issues do need to be brought up to management, but choosing to drop all of your weapons and say that you cannot follow orders WHILE A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON IS APPROACHING is not proper timing. Also, I understand you like your new steel weapons, but please, in the future for minor offenses like refusing to construct slade items, use the dull part of your axe instead of the sharp edge, specifically you, Urist McRecruit with an axe who managed to kill your wife for not creating an iron chain, and did so in one swing.
Yours,
God
Post by: nucleus222 on September 01, 2010, 03:21:08 am
Please refrain from channeling all the tiles around ur feet. this causes unhappiness in the work place.
Mining Foreman
P.S. The next time this happens i will fill the pit with water as dwarves that stupid dont deserve the honor of a magma shower
Post by: jerank on September 01, 2010, 07:03:15 am
Please stop channeling out magma squares in such a way you get stuck on the last one, then channel it out under your feet. An amusing feat it may be, but your friends are now all upset about you and I now need to train another legendary miner, you idiot.
Post by: lolghurt on September 01, 2010, 09:42:52 am
FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER GOD YOU WORSHIP, PLEASE STOP DODGING FROM THE PUMP INTO THE RIVER WHERE I CANNOT RESCUE YOU. YOU WERE A LEGENDARY MINER/ENGRAVER/SMITH. YOUR CORPSE WILL NOW BECOME FROZEN SOLID WHEN WINTER ROLLS AROUND AGAIN.
P.S. Urist McInsane: please stop throwing yourself into my ten z-level artificial waterfall. I have no means to get your entirely broken remains back out, and your miasma puts off the dorfs that want to enjoy the mist and statues.
Post by: claer_runway on September 01, 2010, 10:16:02 am
i understand that you are new to this world and all, but since you don't drink alcohol you have too drink water. none of the adult demons seem to have this problem. right now you are literally five squares from a well and you have a "dehydrated" tag. if this keeps up i just may remove your [can_speak] tag,so you don't need to drink, and none of us want that.
I realize it's a mod, but still, this incubus exhibits dwarven stupidity.
Post by: Knick on September 02, 2010, 08:57:44 am
While I appreciate your devotion, please stop hovering around my bed when I am trying to sleep. You are creeping me out.
Yours, etc.
Urist McSquadleader
Post by: Medicine Man on September 02, 2010, 09:05:47 am
Fire is very hot and painful it isn't something to go waltzing through as a shortcut.
Signed !!Player!!
Post by: lolghurt on September 02, 2010, 09:13:38 am
We apologize on behalf of management for your unprecedented magma bath.
Post by: KillerClowns on September 03, 2010, 07:03:44 pm
Post by: DuckThatQuacks on September 03, 2010, 07:45:49 pm
From: The League of Nearby Nations
Dear Mr. McNolimbs,
We are all grateful to you for your sacrifices during the invasion of 1054 -- your bold charge broke the back of the goblin army, preventing our mutual enemy from capturing a vital fortress. We understand that, due to the severe injuries you sustained during the engagement, you are confined to your bed and your range of possible activities is limited. However, we would appreciate it if you could find the strength to meet briefly with our diplomats. They understand your situation, and are not offended by your inability to meet with them. However, they are unwilling to return home without meeting with you first -- and the new ones we send every year seem to encounter the same dilemma. Please meet with them. We are running out of diplomats.
Sincerely,
The Nearby Heads of State
P.S. You may wish to consider renaming your fort. It might increase migration.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Quietust on September 04, 2010, 12:23:19 pm
From: The Management
There are more goblins sneaking around outside, so we need you to stand guard in front of the entrance while the civilians collect the remains of the squad you just vanquished. You all have rations in your backpacks and your waterskins are full of booze, so quit complaining that you are hungry and/or thirsty.
P.S. When your orders are momentarily cancelled so that you can finally eat or drink, it is not necessary to walk all the way back to the barracks before returning to the same location where you were stationed in the first place.
Post by: Argonnek on September 04, 2010, 03:51:39 pm
Link the damn floodgates before the river thaws and drowns you all.
--Overseer Argonnek
Post by: Jayce on September 04, 2010, 04:43:48 pm
Please dont run out solo into a sieging force of 100 goblins.
Post by: Neopolis on September 05, 2010, 06:12:58 am
From: The Management of Beardhut
Dear Mister McLiaison,
First of all, let me apologize for the breaking of your arm, your leg, your rib, and your lung. Second of all, please understand that our mayor is a very busy man. He has other things to do than attend to meetings, such as the removing of floors that were built to connect to an underground cavern. Standing on that floor while he removes it will not get you his attention any sooner, it'll just result in a painful three z-level drop.
Kind regards,
the management
Post by: Golcondio on September 05, 2010, 02:45:00 pm
Dear Stumpies,
Why did you start disobeying me in such a blatant way?
I issued a "all dorfs inside" alert, why the Hell would you start ignoring it and go collecting socks from the battlefield DURING A FRIGGING SIEGE?
And you, Urist McCluelessRecruit, did you not attend any training? "Pickup equipment" means that you go and PICK UP YOUR GLODSDAMNED EQUIPMENT, not that you should GO OUTSIDE AND DROP YOUR MASTERWORK STEEL SHIELD in a random spot!
Magmatically yours,
The Overlord
Post by: UndergroundTree on September 05, 2010, 10:17:34 pm
You are a Elf.
Signed, Your overseer.
PS, We have your cat.
Post by: Zidane on September 06, 2010, 12:58:22 am
I know you are new to my fortress, and I know my managing skills need some fine tuning but... That's no reason to just stay in my dining room drinking all of my ale, and mushrooms. Me and the miners are making a special dormitory for all of you though! As soon as mt miners find an aquifer, we'll set you right up!
PS. At least the children HAUL, you just sit there! I'm talking to you CHEESEMAKER.
Post by: Olith McHuman on September 06, 2010, 05:05:09 am
Normally I would thank you for removing a construction in the only way that would cause a cave-in. No really, crushing the other useless dorfs who were also removing constructions would have made my day. However, you apparently were not aware that you were on top of the 150 Z-LEVEL PUMP STACK MADE OF ALL STEEL PARTS THAT TOOK DECADES TO BUILD. I hope you enjoy being turned into a toad with runesmith. Just sayin.
Sincerely,
Your now homicidal Overlord
Post by: ledgekindred on September 06, 2010, 09:51:39 am
The Danger Room full of repeating spikes is for military training, however please feel free to step in and visit. We have plenty idlers to come clean your corpses out of the way. Thanks to the legendary dining room, legendary chef, legendary brewer and meeting hall with a lovely well, statues and cages full of your fellow brethren and sisteren and other interesting animals, everyone is ecstatic and your owners have barely noticed your ceasing to take up space (and fps) in our fort.
Ha ha,
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.
P.S. Yes I made the door impassable on purpose. Serves you right for trying to sneak in in the first place.
Post by: Shootandrun on September 06, 2010, 10:52:15 am
During the last months, i saw you doing things that i don't like to see. You remember, killing that child? The miner? Worst of all, the cat of the sheriff, causing him to go berserk too? I'm sure you understand that i can't let you keep killing dwarves. Of course, it's harder now that you are the best fighter in the fortress. To protect the others dwarves, i have been forced to lock them in the fortress for a moment. But now its finished.
Have fun to meet your death, you damn murderer. She's called "Fourty elephants released on a single dwarf".
PS: Just in case, i think you will be happy to notice that they are not Elephants, but !!Elephants!!
The overseer.
Post by: Xerillum on September 06, 2010, 02:40:21 pm
Please feel free to ignore the "stay inside" alert the next time burning hot magma starts flowing to the top of the fortress.
Sincerely, the overlord.
P.S., Urist McFarmer, Congratulations on getting stuck behind a wall of obsidian on the farm 20 z-levels down, you are now the last survivor. Also, can you please stop crying about your friends long enough to drink something?
Post by: timtek on September 06, 2010, 04:24:58 pm
Post by: Shagomir on September 06, 2010, 04:36:30 pm
Dear Urist McIceskater, please for the love of god stay off the damn ice. You know it's gonna melt, it always does. You've seen three of your fellow dwarves fall in an drown, and yet every time there's ice, off you go!
d-o-r yourself some restricted traffic areas over any bodies of water that freeze, and as long as there is a non-restricted route, your dwarfs should never path over it.
I wrote the same Dear Urist letter myself, before I learned about this.
Post by: timtek on September 06, 2010, 06:53:58 pm
Post by: KillerClowns on September 06, 2010, 07:56:06 pm
Through a stroke of sheer, dumb luck, you two morons are finally more than glorified laborers. Your skills are finally useful, for a sufficiently loose definition of "useful." So shut up, stop partying, stop drinking, and DO YOUR DAMN JOBS unless you want to spend the rest of your miserable little lives hauling blood thorn beds... assuming I don't just give you a crossbow and tell you to hunt me down some jabberers and rutherers as penance for wasting my time.
Post by: ray10k on September 13, 2010, 01:29:49 pm
I realise that lava is dangerous, I know a sign of lava is warm rock, but I also happen to have some rather accurate knowledge about the exact location of aforementioned lava: BELOW the area you are digging out, not next to it. stop shouting about warm rock, and DO YOUR JOBS!!!
signed,
your somewhat displeased ruler.
Post by: Daetrin on September 13, 2010, 01:41:25 pm
While I have not restricted you to burrows, I have made sure to make everything forbidden on death during sieges to prevent further deaths. Therefore, I would prefer that you wait until some other time to clean, for the first time in the fortress, the blood-soaked entry hall that has been marinating for five years. The blood is not going anywhere, especially not with fifty mounted goblins engaging our axe lords.
Post by: Samrobot on September 13, 2010, 04:29:50 pm
I understand your tired from all the sparing and drinking but when a giant vomit monster is attacking the fort and your fellow axe brothers don't take a nap while they risk life and limb so everthing doesnt die. Oh and your an ass.
From,
your grieving overseer
Post by: Flaede on September 13, 2010, 04:35:10 pm
Your retarded child is trying to drink magma.
I hope you're happy.
Sincerely,
Local Representative for The Dwarven Husbandry Society
Post by: Jake on September 13, 2010, 04:43:28 pm
Look, I'm really sorry about that planning error that dropped a football pitch-sized slab of rock on someone's head, the unfortunate misunderstanding about whether forbid-on-death was turned on or not and forgetting to make sure there was enough armour to go around. It was my own damn silly fault and Ifeel really bad about it; unlike most of the rest of the community, I actually feel a duty of care towards you all, no matter how frustrating our professional relationship can be at times. I know I don't get it right all the time, but I'm doing my best.
And if you've got an issue with how things are going, come talk to me, okay? Don't let it fester 'til something finally goes twang and you haul off and clobber someone for blowing his nose too loudly. I have only a limited amount of control over the consequences if you do; I can insist that the conditions of your incarceration meet civilised standards, but actual sentencing is out of my hands.
Engrave me a note and send it off with the next elven caravan if you don't feel like sniffing enough gnomeblight to visit in person; it's not like their druids have anything better to do.
And I know the Underdark and the Forgotten Beasts are scary, but just hang in there; I'm working on getting you that gunpowder stuff I mentioned in passing a while back.
Yours,
Your designated Avatar of Armok.
Post by: UberNube on September 13, 2010, 07:18:04 pm
First I would like to thank you for putting up with the strict training schedule. I realise that the long patrol duties enrage you, but you still haven't murdered anyone with your axe yet, and for that I am grateful. Furthermore, I would like to apologise for the somewhat unusual training system which we employ here in GiltedBoulders. I can understand your frustration and annoyance at being thrown into a room full of spikes and told to "think fast" while they repeatedly stab at you.
None the less, you are a member of the elite military of this fortress and you are expected to follow basic protocol. This protocol includes such things as waking up in the morning, responding promptly to orders, and most importantly, knowing how to dress yourselves. I have seen you repeatedly ignore uniform orders and continue to show up for training sessions without your mandatory military robe. As such, I have absolutely no sympathy for you when you lose fingers, toes, ears and teeth during your training. In fact, the only reason I recently used my godly powers (modding) to prevent you from bleeding to death was because I am too lazy to wait to train anyone else up to your skill level. Be assured however that when it comes time to deal with the various horrors wandering around the caverns beneath our fortress, you will be leading the charge, and should your incompetence result in your death, we will not be risking other more valuable dwarves to recover your corpse.
Sincerely,
Your not-so-benevolent overlord
PS. I fucking hate you. There are hundreds of robes just lying around. Get off your ass and dress yourself!
Post by: druid91 on September 13, 2010, 07:32:41 pm
I would like you to know that your efforts to improve the morale of our fledgling fortress are greatly appreciated, however a few of your engravings are rather disturbing, most notably roughly half of of Ilral's engravings are of chains, not to mention the instructions for the doomsday weapon engraved into poor Olon's bedroom wall. If this disturbing trend continues you will all be drafted into the military to be given something interesting to engrave, notably the noble action of our troops
Sincerely,
Druid91
(A.K.A. the force from above who directs your actions)
Post by: Akura on September 13, 2010, 08:33:55 pm
It's just a broken toe. Walk it off. Your compatriots are reducing that goblin to meaty chunks right now, so there's nothing to worry about. Stop complaining. Seriously, 67 complaints in less than a second? Just lie down, pretend to be dead, and when Urist McOMGASOCK!! comes along to claim your pig tail socks(despite dead people's items being foribidden) jump up and shout "Boo!" or "Ow!" if you want to be taken to the infirmary, so we can set the broken toe.
Signed,
Urist McMalpractice, Chief Medical Dwarf
Post by: KaunMoth on September 14, 2010, 12:36:55 am
Re: Patients.
I don't know if you realise that you've attempted to fetch, what I assume is water, from that well for the past 2 years and failed, believe it or not there is a perfectly functioning well inside the hospital zone which I have designated just for that particular use, the three patients waiting on you, now for two years, to return from the other well are starting to considering suing you.
Ps, I checked, Urist McTimmy is not stuck down there.
To Urist McMayor;
Re: Drums.
Just stop it, okey? We tried, we seem to be unable to produce any more, just stop. You have 7 already, you don't need more, quite frankly the only reason why We have yet to introduce the special happy lever to you is because you, Urist McLegendary armorsmith and Urist McLegendary weaponsmith are best of friends.
Ps, Et tu Urist. Remember that. We can send your friends on vacation in the padded happy cell if need be.
Kind regards, your omnipotent and omnipresent ruler.
Post by: lolghurt on September 14, 2010, 03:23:17 am
WHY DOES EACH ONE OF YOU HAVE A PREFERENCE FOR, OF ALL THINGS, SLADE. NOT SLATE, SLADE.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on September 14, 2010, 07:37:10 am
The rumors started that there is a goblin siege outside our impenetrable walls was started by malicious, defeatist, elf-loving, no-bearded traitors to the glorious empire. Do you think our unbeatable military, with their perfect copper platemail, and razor sharp copper swords would be diligently training in their barracks if there was goblins afoot? Anyone who continues to spread this malicious rumor will be subject to the hammerer's judgment, and I have given her clearance to continue a beating until either the dwarf dies or finally admits who told them.
Your Loving Invisible Overlord.
Post by: Knick on September 14, 2010, 08:33:56 am
Put on some pants! For the love of Armok, put on some pants!
Post by: Lord Vetinari on September 14, 2010, 03:58:55 pm
I assigned a room to every dwarf in the fortress (yes, that includes you too). Also, there is a 20 beds dormitory for children and newcommers (unused at the moment) and two barracks for the army. So, why the hell do you keep sleeping on the floor and complain about that?!
Post by: Shaio on September 14, 2010, 06:01:48 pm
I know most of the fort suffered horribly at the hands of the forgotten beast that was leading the goblins, they died noble deaths, even if over had of them died after we'd removed the things lungs heart, and guts, but the noble sacrifice was made, and made purely for reclaiming the courtyard and closing the god dammed gate before the humans or the rest of the goblin siege got there.
Id appreciate if in the next life, you didn't immediately destroy the objective half the fort sacrificed themselves for in a fit of rage.
I can only hope you enjoy watching the humans you let in massacre all your family, and friends.
yours respectfully your slightly less benevolent overlord who was quite attached to that poorly defended fortress.
Post by: Samrobot on September 14, 2010, 06:22:05 pm
I get it that there are all these monsters outside the secure entrance but a gorlak, troglodyte, or gremlin are nothing to run about. If you are so scared run back in and not down the entrance to the 2nd even more dangerous cavern, and if the traps dont kill these so called "monsters" the giant toad a VCC guarding the entrance will.
P.S. Don't feed the VCC you will get your arm ripped off
From,
Your pissed off overseer
Post by: Jake on September 14, 2010, 07:04:49 pm
First, I have to thank you for sending a fey mood that not only required items that the fortress had in stock at the time, but produced a Legendary Weaponsmith in a fortress with both coal and magnetite.
However, a war hammer made of solid gold, inlaid with silver and worth almost half a million coin was... not entirely appropriate for an impoverished little mining and textiles fort of two score and ten with exactly six competent soldiers. The string of cock-ups that resulted in most of the population being butchered by invading goblins was my own fault, but I wouldn't have been in that situation if you would actually work with me and my dorfs instead of playing silly buggers.
Yours,
A beleagured Avatar of Armok
PS: I CC you in on my correspondence with my dorfs out of professional courtesy, and don't appreciate that courtesy being repaid by having you refer to me as 'Dwarf Jesus' behind my back. I invite you to reflect upon his role in The Salvation War, and the fact I'm contriving for my dorfs to recreate the first volume out of genre.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on September 14, 2010, 07:49:18 pm
Post by: Jake on September 14, 2010, 08:45:45 pm
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on September 14, 2010, 08:50:14 pm
Yes, I know it's your job to chase down enemies and kill them, but can you ignore the child-snatchers when the Legendary Macedwarf is fighting two squads of goblins. I'm sure he'll like it. At least, when he was alive. And it's not even if he was that far away. Most of our dwarfs ran that far when the alarmed was sounded. Seriously, if you are 10 squares away from the guy, the least you can do is go help him.
From: Overseer.
Post by: LemonFrosted on September 15, 2010, 01:18:58 am
Did you really need to try and clean the scum off the inside of the water pipe for the fortress obsidian farm right as a flooding session was beginning? Was it the sound of rushing water, the hiss of cooling magma, or the scalding steam that attracted you to clean this particular spot in the bowels of the fortress at exactly this time? Well, now your dog is encased in obsidian, so I hope you're happy with yourself. Don't come whining, it's your own damn fault.
Yours,
Overseer LFK
Post by: Urist son of Urist on September 15, 2010, 01:46:20 am
Please actually hunt. No, hunting does not consist of picking up 5 crossbow bolts and taking a few potshots at a passing hoary marmot when you bother to do it at all. I realize that you value your leisure time, but we're sort of starving right now, what with the outbreak of dragon in the underground farm and the fact that the traders were apparently eaten by carp. So please, learn to use a quiver.
Also, please tell your friend, Urist McTraderguy, that I would like him to place trading above moving rocks around in terms of schedule priority. I know he likes his rocks, but our last attempt at a replacement farm was met with a giant hoard of troglodytes, so we really need that beer. It does not help that he seems to spend most of his time drinking anyway.
Post by: Flaede on September 15, 2010, 03:26:21 am
your civilization chose a carp for their symbol. Not to be outdone, you chose the image of a CAST? That's just way to appropriate, what with the mayhem you seem to enjoy.
sincerely - the guy who picks up the pieces.
Post by: MrNuke on September 15, 2010, 04:02:53 am
Please, stopping asking for materials that the fortress doesnt have, and better yet, dont ask for EVERYTHING the fortress doesnt have.
Signed, Your Overlord.
Post by: Psychobones on September 15, 2010, 04:51:40 am
Fuck. No, that's no a curse. You don't seem to understand you are one of 17 dwarves left on the planet. You have a beautiful wife, so please, for the love of dwarfkind and me, fuck!
Signed,
God
Post by: Xzalander on September 15, 2010, 06:14:34 am
When we ask you to scout ahead and make a forward base, it means we would appreciate it if you used some of the braincells Armok gave you and not embark in the middle of an iced over 50tile wide major river, in which within a day Spring is due to arrive and cracks are visible in the ice.
Annoyed,
Your Generous Benefactor.
Post by: deoxys413 on September 15, 2010, 08:14:17 am
I am well aware that forgotten beasts are scary and terrifying. This is why I need one of you NEARBY idlers to pull the lever to plunge him down the chasm and do him in. This is not done by the 1st of 30 idles dwarves who is inexplicably up on the surface barfing his guts out at the daystar, but rather one of the 5 that are milling about the lever presumably idle.
Remember this so an alternate universe does not have their innards chewed on by a skinless zebra.
Yours,
More Slightly Miffed
Post by: ledgekindred on September 15, 2010, 01:02:21 pm
They were already in the cage when they decided to "adopt" you. That makes them fair game for goblin bait. If you want to feel better about it, at least they distracted the sword squad long enough for the rest of our military to arrive. Get over it.
I Don't Care,
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.
P.S. If you'd rather have intact cats than intact guts, I can arrange for that with the next siege.
Post by: Samrobot on September 15, 2010, 06:30:04 pm
Post by: cog disso on September 15, 2010, 07:15:38 pm
Why did you encrust a blood-smeared, mud-smeared pig tail boot that you got off a dead trapper with emeralds, schorls and rose quartz? Couldn't you at least have cleaned it first?
Post by: Urist son of Urist on September 15, 2010, 07:43:43 pm
To: EVERYBODY
RE: Casualties
It is a matter of policy that horribly mauled dwarves should not, as a matter of course, be left to die of dehydration in the scorching light of the great fiery eye of the day. This includes poor Urist McAxedwarf, who, while bravely fending off six Goblins, lost his foot. He then stood in the midst of a field for a while before he finally collapsed and died because nobody thought to bring him some water.
This is especially directed at Urist McWeaponsmith and Urist McManager, who I specifically instructed to direct their care towards the wounded. In order to discourage further such issues, I have thrown both of the aforementioned dwarves into the training room. Hilariously, both of them forgot to bring armor. It was quite fortunate that their fellows were more attentive to their screams inside the fort and that our crack team of MediDwarves was on the spot to sew them up.
Any future cases of abandoning the wounded will see the offenders thrown into the hoary marmot pit.
Post by: Tcei on September 15, 2010, 08:08:57 pm
I understand it was an oversight on my behalf, for setting up that burrow that said it was safe to be outside in (what was going to be) the future lake entrance to the fort.
I also understand that you and your friends wanted a nice tan, however, the middle of a seige is not a good time to go tanning; particularly when the hammer dwarfs are flinging the goblins down into the future lake! I assure you there will be time to tan after the seige.. or there would have been had you lived.
Sincerely,
Your benevolent overlord.
Post by: Olith McHuman on September 16, 2010, 01:38:43 am
I have dropped all of your diplomats and your traders into my 10 z-level happy fun drop pit for the past 5 years. Declare war already!
p.s. Your wooden crafts make a lovely bonfire. As do your elves.
Post by: Tommy on September 16, 2010, 06:47:35 pm
It is with great sadness that the management learns of your unfortunate and untimely demise. We regret the incident that led to your death, and indeed regret further that we do not yet know what it was. The scale of our current mining and engineering operation has, with hindsight, impacted not only our normally impeccable health and safety record but also certain non-essential concerns, which regretfully included operational record keeping. We've asked around, but nobody seems to know how you ended up at the very bottom of the excavation chamber. If you hadn't started rotting, it's likely nobody would have ever noticed at all.
In the spirit of goodwill we've asked your wife to provide a fitting tribute for your tomb, but she's too busy partying like it's 999. In lieu of a genuine tribute, we trust "Nobody cared about him" will serve as an epitaph. We don't really have the engravers to waste on anything bigger anyway.
The management salutes your effort, but notes that there are thirty other legendary miners to pick up the slack, and they've all got more friends than you.
Post by: Samuel on September 16, 2010, 10:34:32 pm
Holy mother of Armok, guys. I know you were hungry, but couldn't you have waited till the Donkey was cooked? rather than swarming the butcher's shop and devouring it's corpse like a school of piranha? Thanks for the nightmares.
-Your Ruler
Dear Urist McEngraver,
As I've discussed before on the forum, I quite enjoy your little pictures of that Marsh Titan, and welcome any new artwork of his battles. However, try to remember that, through my eyes, these engravings appear as the letter 'K'. Point being, would you stop putting three of them in a row all over the place?
-Your Ruler
PS if you'd brought your buddy the High Master Miner some food while he lay in the hospital with a broken leg, you wouldn't have to engrave all those images of him wasting away.
Post by: peregarrett on September 17, 2010, 02:36:23 am
I agree it is a nice joke to dig channel over magma pool where the liaison was standing and waiting you'll spend some time to talk with him. I really laughed. But could you please do that just AFTER we made trade agreement, not BEFORE?
- your master
PS. Striking that poor cow in the head with your pick, and your fellow Architect was a nice joke too. And the last joke with petrifying yourself into the obsidian - was the nicest!
Post by: Sysice on September 18, 2010, 01:31:54 pm
Failure to comply will result in unarmored danger room training.
~S
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on September 18, 2010, 01:42:28 pm
If your job requires you to be armed (miners, I'm looking at you) and you are told to kill a creature, DON'T DROP YOUR WEAPON. Likewise, if I tell you to wrestle a creature, DON'T JAM YOUR PICK INTO THEIR SKULL.
-Your Benevolent Ruler
Post by: ledgekindred on September 18, 2010, 06:58:23 pm
Firstly, I very much appreciate your having a mood and becoming a Legendary Armorsmith. Believe me, this is a good thing. However, if I may offer just the slightest bit of constructive criticism. A single Adamantine boot, while certainly very pretty, and ... well ... astoundingly valuable ... is nonetheless a single boot. Since we already have problems getting our military to wear two boots at the same time I worry you may be disappointed if it sits gathering dust. On the other hand, I also worry that it may only further encourage our military in the practice of wearing only a single, very nice boot.
Secondly, far be it from me to question your inestimable authority, but could you maybe have picked a stone other than graphite with which to decorate it? I worry about it somehow catching fire and, you know, never going out.
Thirdly, and again, please do not take this as anything but constructive criticism. I do wish you had decided to have your mood before having already reached High Master Armorsmith status. It would have done us a world of good about five years ago.
Again, I do thank you and you may expect to be assigned to an upgraded accommodations as with your fellow Legendary crafters.
Sincere thanks,
Your Fortress Overlord, Esq.
P.S. I understand the symbolism, but the image of Likot Lucklance weeping for having been removed as outpost liason would have been more correctly represented by an image of Likot Lucklance bleeding out from multiple goblin pikes and sword injuries as the actual reason for being removed as outpost liason. Just saying...
----
Since the graphite is only decoration and not considered the material the boot is made out of I don't think it would work. But the idea of an ever-burning Artifact Adamantine boot worth 870k dwarf bucks on display somewhere is unfathomably epic.
edit: It's name is "Voiceraced the Worried Meteors." The idea of a dwarf wearing it while on fire makes the name unbelievably perfect.
Post by: gopa4 on September 18, 2010, 07:07:15 pm
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on September 18, 2010, 07:09:58 pm
Post by: ledgekindred on September 18, 2010, 07:22:07 pm
Post by: gopa4 on September 18, 2010, 07:45:44 pm
Post by: Samuel on September 19, 2010, 06:26:04 am
The other dwarves have got the stone hauling handled. Your patient however, is currently lying in the dirt with a busted-up leg. Please try and sort out your priorities before you end up as the defendant in Dwarf Fortress's first ever medical malpractise suit.
Signed,
The voice of reason to which every one of you stupid bastards is deaf.
Post by: Dbuhos on September 19, 2010, 11:14:12 am
Hello, this is your overlord, writing this from god knows where. I know that you've seen many disturbing things in your life, while living here, in Walledswords....seen your friends die in front of you and get your face splattered by elephant blood but for god's sake, stop engraving the walls with your disturbing art. Especially the dinning room ! Who the hell wants to eat while watching these engravings ? I mean the dinning room is full of elephants being struck down and and many images of our dear Urist McOldChampion being killed by a ghoul. God praise him. Please. STOP.
~Your current overlord.
Post by: Midcat on September 19, 2010, 11:43:36 am
First of all, let me sincerely thank you for recovering our only surviving Legendary Miner recently after he stupidly caused a cave-in while channeling away space for our windmill power project. However, your over-enthusiasm for this prestigious duty causes me some concern.
It is okay for our Miner to be out of his hospital bed when our qualified medical staff are attending to his medical needs, he does not need to be moved to a nearby bed while our surgeon has him on a table in the middle of surgery. As a result of your continuous interruption, our miners wounds became infected, and our medical staff were unable to remove the infection in time.
His pick is now being assigned to your safekeeping, there is a new 100 z-level shaft that we require to be completed as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on September 19, 2010, 12:03:32 pm
Post by: Xerillum on September 19, 2010, 05:43:41 pm
When I have you build a wall to re-seal the HFS, please don't stand on the wrong side. Your body will not be recovered.
Sincerely,
The Overlord
Post by: peregarrett on September 20, 2010, 08:33:19 am
Yes, there is a titan causing chaos at the top of out ain stairwell. Yes, you all are to handle this situation. Yes, you should attack him.
But take a weapon from your wisely-designed uniform first!!!
- your master, tired of elite wrestlers teared in a halves.
Post by: benas424 on September 20, 2010, 11:33:59 am
When you are digging that new space for the stockpile that will prevent our fortress from slowing to a F**KING BLOODY HALT, PLEASE MINE THAT ONE GODDAMN TILE LEFT BEFORE GOING ON A F**KING BREAK, THEN EATING, THEN SLEEPING, THEN DRINKING THEN F**KING REPEATING THE WHOLE F**KING ROUTINE.
Thank you.
-Sincerely, The Overlord.
Post by: Samuel on September 20, 2010, 07:53:57 pm
I admire your resolve to do your job no matter what. I can also understand your refusal to admit you're injured, especially when said injury was caused by your own stupidity. But if you keep running away from the hospital to keep mining with both your legs still broken, I'm going to have to disable your mining duties for your own safety. It's also pretty rude to just walk away from the doctor who's dutifully in the middle of setting your bone.
Signed,
Your concerned and disturbed Overseer
Post by: lordofhyphens on September 20, 2010, 08:44:25 pm
Your presence is requested at the cistern to take the places of Urist McLegendaryMiner and his similarly attributed cohorts. Alas, intelligence is not bestowed up those gifted with a pick, and a five story fall is nearly lethal. Do not mimic the fallen's actions... and definitely do not expect the rocks to float when you cut off all support to them.
Signed,
Your Friendly Overseer
PS: The remains of those who fell will be consigned to the great river they gave their lives to sequester.
PPS: The cistern is awesome. You guys did great!
Post by: darkrider2 on September 20, 2010, 09:20:26 pm
regarding: pumps
I'm sad to inform you that Olon was killed yesterday. Though it is not entirely his fault that the power was still running as he made the final connections on pump E-12, it was his choice to stand on the side of the pump which expels fluid, in this case magma. Unfortunately because of this he will receive no burial service, the best we can do is install a grate so that his bones do not float up and show in the brand new moat.
sincerely
your overlord
PS- on second thought, bones floating in the magma moat would look awesome.
Post by: NKDietrich on September 20, 2010, 09:51:08 pm
You've been frakking around sleeping eating and drinking for an eternity now. How about you go frakking dig where I told you to dig before the goblins arrive? Moron.
Sincerely,
Your Emperor
Post by: Jacob/Lee on September 20, 2010, 10:27:04 pm
Perhaps you should stop being a dumbass and pick up that artifact steel sword I oh so generously gave you before the goblins rip you limb from limb.
Post by: dragonshardz on September 20, 2010, 10:31:31 pm
When I designate things to be hauled to the trash compactor, DO IT. But don't work until you die of thirst.
Dear Urist McThirstyArchitect,
I KNOW you are thirsty. owever, if you GET OFF YOUR ASS AND BUILD THE LAST SCREW PUMP, I COULD FIX THAT FOR YOU!!!
Dear Urist McJailer,
NEXT TIME SOMEONE IS LOCKED UP, DON'T FORGET TO FEED AND WATER HIM!
Post by: Bao on September 21, 2010, 04:32:10 pm
Signed,
Bao
Also forum people, who think Slade is a myth:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on September 21, 2010, 05:42:30 pm
I see that in the 5 or so months you've been here you've settled in quite nicely. I just have one little question.
Spoiler: Why in Armok's name are over half of you taking a break?!?! (click to show/hide)
Signed,
Datan Tathtatlikot, King of Arbosttulon
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on September 21, 2010, 06:02:06 pm
Also forum people, who think Slade is a myth:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
We know this. We don't want our dwarves knowing it, because then they could like it and thus mandate it.
Post by: breadbocks on September 21, 2010, 06:09:28 pm
Right. I gave Slade [PREFSTRING:IMPOSSIBILITY TO GET]Also forum people, who think Slade is a myth:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
We know this. We don't want our dwarves knowing it, because then they could like it and thus mandate it.
Post by: Greiger on September 21, 2010, 08:15:56 pm
We know this. We don't want our dwarves knowing it, because then they could like it and thus mandate it.
But then they might like it anyway. Just like how *SOME* people like dragons for their terrible majesty. And I don't see any of them busting their way out of some English mine, to burn the world and make a disappointing post apocalyptic movie. Do you?
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on September 21, 2010, 08:17:21 pm
Post by: Gnauga on September 21, 2010, 08:32:52 pm
But mandating the capture of a dragon?shhhhh you'll give them ideas
Post by: MechaGodzilla on September 21, 2010, 09:06:13 pm
Post by: Samrobot on September 21, 2010, 10:29:49 pm
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on September 21, 2010, 10:31:51 pm
Post by: Samuel on September 22, 2010, 12:26:41 am
The water source is right. there. It's right down the hallway. You can't not see it.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McBedridden,
Ya, they're never gonna get that water for you. For what it's worth, I've made you a very nice gold sarcophagus.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Post by: Grunt on September 22, 2010, 02:36:48 pm
I appreciate the fact that you have been training hard, I appreciate the fact that you have been quick and eager to learn the way of 'Hammer Meet Head' and I thought you would appreciate the alternating training/leave pattern I have set up for you.
However, I have one tiny bone to pick with you, the bone of a titan.
When I, in all my divine wisdom did speak to you "Kill the great jungle titan", I was glad to see you run gloriously to battle, you had your uniform on, you had all the supplies you needed, yet for some reason you all decided that you should run to the military holdings to seek the glory of battle.
I regret to inform you that the glory of battle is seldom found under beds.
You did not sleep, you did not go gather supplies, you stood there doing nothing, you were apparently very happy.
I gave you the command to attack again, I was extremely happy to note that you reacted vigorously, up till you started attacking the plump helmet at the dining room table with an anger unbeknownst to all.
With your appetite and thirst quenched I could only assume that you would now charge to battle...And charge you did, straight back to your comfy barracks.
You attacked the few foxes that posed a little annoyance to the base with no problem whatsoever, so i can only assume this was deliberate, You should know that if this happens again when I have trained spearmen you will be used to test numerous devices.
I am only glad that one brave warrior stood against the titan and was victorious.
Your Appalled and quite Amused Administrator.
____________________________
Dear Catten Avuzunib, dog and pet of UristMchammerdwarf,
We are writing to inform you that we are indeed aware of your great heroic acts.
Knowing that your master was busy elsewhere, you ferociously retaliated to the attack of the jungle titan.
Not only did you defend the ENTIRE fort, felling the Titan without being notably damaged at all.
The way that the titan's attempts to gouge you glanced off whenever they hit was astounding.
If it were possible, i would award you the position of militia commander, however the powers that see would not see this as a productive idea.
Your reward shall be that i will not kill your bumbling oaf of a master for at least another year.
Once more, thankyou for the great deed that you have done for the fort.
Your Master's Appalled and quite Amused Administrator.
P.S Good boy!
Post by: Impudence12 on September 22, 2010, 02:48:19 pm
Dear Idiots,
The water source is right. there. It's right down the hallway. You can't not see it.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McBedridden,
Ya, they're never gonna get that water for you. For what it's worth, I've made you a very nice gold sarcophagus.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Not watering McBedridden is a service to the fortress.
Post by: Hyndis on September 22, 2010, 03:40:29 pm
Not watering McBedridden is a service to the fortress.
No, Urist McBedridden is an asset to any fortress.
Make that man captain of the guard! :D
Post by: lordofhyphens on September 22, 2010, 10:18:26 pm
Please do not stand under the stone bridge when it is lowering.
--The Management.
Post by: KillerClowns on September 22, 2010, 10:55:22 pm
Post by: Olith McHuman on September 23, 2010, 03:50:54 am
Booze does not function very well as a fire suppressant. You might want to try th
*BOOM*
...
Dear everyone else,
Please refrain from trying to drink booze that is on fir
Your settlement has crumbled to its end.
(not that it would have mattered, the fire got to my food stockpiles too)
Post by: Samuel on September 23, 2010, 07:13:51 am
Not watering McBedridden is a service to the fortress.
He was bedridden due to having his torso torn open by a Troll that he helped save the fortress from.
Post by: Snappydude on September 23, 2010, 09:27:03 am
I know you think the danger room is cool, but just... hanging out in there isn't a very good idea. You're not wearing any armor, and it is called the danger room for a reason. OK, I get that when you have No Job you like to hang out with your cool soldier buddies, but they're too busy being Legendary to socialize.
PLEASE just... go to the meeting hall when you have spare time. There's free booze and pretty statues. Your pets, babies, and organs will thank you. Because they won't be perforated.
Regards,
Snappy
P.S. Dear Urist McCleaner: It's an equally bad idea to attempt to clean the blood off the repeating spikes while they are in operation. I know it's the blood of your own firstborn child, but try to wait unil the regularly scheduled downtime.
Post by: lordofhyphens on September 23, 2010, 10:27:16 am
Please do not attempt to destroy the zombie yeti with your bare hands. It never worked out for your predecessor.
--Commander
Post by: BurningLed on September 23, 2010, 05:47:16 pm
Please let time start running again. We know thawing the ocean might take a while, but we do like moving, even if it's to our deaths in a frame.
Post by: Biag on September 23, 2010, 05:53:51 pm
When you are gathering plants in an unexplored cavern, and are attacked by a tribe of spear-wielding fish-people, it's usually a better idea to run towards the well-trained military stationed twenty feet away from you than deeper into the cavern, towards a tribe of spear-wielding bat-people. Your idiocy will not be missed, and I hear your girlfriend is still ecstatic.
Sincerely,
The rest of us
Post by: newto on September 23, 2010, 08:13:16 pm
Lan Likotrigoth,
Firstly, I very much appreciate your having a mood and becoming a Legendary Armorsmith. Believe me, this is a good thing. However, if I may offer just the slightest bit of constructive criticism. A single Adamantine boot, while certainly very pretty, and ... well ... astoundingly valuable ... is nonetheless a single boot.
Urist McArmoursmith,
I am glad to bring you news that you are not alone in construction of the single boot "Twofrenzies the Spell of Mining" the adamantine high boot. Your choices of materials were most excellent, the 11th adamantine wafer produced by our great fortress (the first ten forged into mighty axes), a chunk of raw adamantine, bones from the great marsh titan and polar bear leather. Your craftsdwarfship is the greatest I have ever seen, it has been estimated at 1.1 million dwarfbucks, 1/9th of our total wealth and a full half of our current armour budget. Much of your imagery is excellent, the image of Catten Fencedpage being crowned king in adamantine, and the image of Nos Valleyivy the Seed of Dales, the ocean titan striking down a lowly human in silk is very appropriate here, perhaps you gained inspiration from the many carvings of the great one that chronicle his swath of death and destruction since he wandered in the time before time.
Some helpful advice for the future though. If you are ever to be taken by the fey again, it would be appreciated if you were to do so earlier, if possible before you are ranked at 15+3 and 50%, and have used all of my bronze and iron bars creating armour for the sole purpose of becoming experience enough to be allowed access to our adamantine reserves. Also, your choice of imagery of the mortal wounding of Urist McNotWorthyOfMentionHunter in 1061 would have been more appropriately replaced by an image of King Fencedpage, as he was struck down in the same elk bird hunting accident.
Finally: ONE $#(%#@(%@ HIGH BOOT? You take 1.1 MILLION in materials and you create ONE boot, that is the SECOND most useless thing you could have made, next to a low boot. Even a single GAUNTLET would have been better, as Urist McMilitiaCaptain lost one of his hands in the first ambush on Girdersprayed. If you weren't the only armoursmith in the entire fortress experienced enough to even look at the precious blue metal, you'd have been delegated to hauling immediately upon completion.
---------------------------------------------------
Notice: To all members of the Militia
You may have noticed your steel axes and shields have been replaced with adamantine. We understand you may have grown attached to your previous equipment, and even named several pieces (twelve in total). This new metal is considerably lighter, and several hundred times sharper, and thus with the exception of sentimental value, far superior.
In the adamantine equipment pilot program, it was noticed that several participants sparred once with their new weapons, only to revert to their old blood soaked steel versions, even when forbidden. Unfortunately the chosen uniforms are mandatory for unit cohesion and general safety in combat and sparring, and as such all unnamed and below masterwork steel axes and shields have been destroyed, and all named or masterwork equipment has been locked away until further notice.
Thank you for your understanding
P.S. Olin Asd–grovod Akestmot Erush, in the future, please refrain from naming your weapon "Graspblossom the Scandalous Trouble". This is not appropriate behaviour for a legendary axedwarf and champion. For more information on appropriate naming, please consult Erib Wireheavens the Abysmal Lover, who named Emptiedweeps and Glimmerforest.
(I love the autonaming of things)
Post by: lordofhyphens on September 28, 2010, 09:07:12 am
"Moistness of Staves" is not an acceptable name for a serious military squad. Would the dwarf who came up with this name please report to the barracks for cleaning duty?
--Overseer
Post by: Medicine Man on September 28, 2010, 09:20:37 am
The fair boats makes no sense at all. What drunk lunatic would want a name like tha- Hold on... You're changing the name to the armored swords? SWWEEEET!
Post by: rat_pack40 on September 28, 2010, 12:00:32 pm
I know that my Entrance does not look at all inviting, but please stop standing at the entrance. I know that you watched your commander turn into a red mist in a flurry of green glass, but you could always try your luck at dodging. Sure it runs you the risk of falling 9 stories into a 2 deep pit of magma with no safe way out that would put you past the gauntlet of green glass on the one wide walkway, but isn't that half the fun of INVADING my lovely
Sincerely,
Urist McOverseer.
PS. Sorry about hitting your friend in the chest with this note tied to a !!Goblin Bone Bolt!!.
Post by: Caesar on September 28, 2010, 12:17:59 pm
While I do like to occasionally figuratively 'walk on thin ice' to get adrenaline up, I think it is quite a bad idea to spend spring standing on a frozen river surface. Please return to your homes and jobs, and get your job done before the ice me-..
Dear Mason,
Please start fabricating some more coffins before you drown. I feel like they might be needed more now than ever. Also inform Urist McMiner that her death has permanently made sure we can not breach the aquifer, and that I will execute her as soon as she dares to stand up.
Highest regards,
Urist McOverseer
Post by: Bauglir on September 28, 2010, 01:42:35 pm
Post by: Diacritic on September 28, 2010, 09:54:56 pm
If sleeping in your old quarters from when you were a broker, which have not been reassigned simply because we have copious bedroomage and don't need the space, is going to make you so unhappy that you tantrum, please refrain from sleeping there. For future reference, the bedroom in which you should not sleep is the one which now has an ominous magma-proof floodgate centering one wall.
Also, apologies for accidentally using the artifact coffin to house the dead body of an "inferior". In order to keep you from further tantrums, we have evicted the offending corpse and dumped it into a simple wooden coffin whose masterwork status, we assure you, is due to nothing but a lack of non-legendary carpenters and is not meant to reflect on your relative importance.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
p.s. You are lucky that your only preferences are for iron and warhammers.
Post by: Particleman on September 29, 2010, 06:04:56 am
From: The Overseer
SHUT UP ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GET AROUND. You're all full of crap. Almost none of you are in restricted areas and those of you who aren't have no excuse for the constant bitching. Starting today there will be periodic sacrifices of the loudest complainer(s). This policy will be in effect until the situation improves.
Post by: Rastaan on September 29, 2010, 07:22:14 am
Please be warned that, due to the freezing temperatures of our new surrounds, exposed aquifer tiles will both fill with water and freeze near instantaneously.
This is not, however, excuse to dig away the single tile supporting your mass; presumably in an attempt to attract the attention of the fortess engraver. Our previous miner succeeded in garnering such attention, although not through admiration and praise of his daring stunt; but rather in a number of masterful renditions of his remains becoming encased in ice.
Such behaviour will not be tolerated in the future.
Regards,
The Expedition Leader
Post by: Jacob/Lee on September 29, 2010, 07:13:04 pm
Yes, I know, putting your work area in a cavern was not the best idea. Yes, I know, not stationing the military there during plump helmet season was also a bad idea. Yes, I know, you only have a broken toe because a troll stepped on it while you were planting, but seriously, it's a toe. This little incident shouldn't make you be bedridden for years on end. Urist Mclegendarywoodcutter over there? He had his entire right arm and shoulder shattered, Urist, he is still working. You are a disgrace to dwarfkind. I will not bury you when you die because you broke a nail.
Sincerely,
Armok.
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on September 29, 2010, 07:20:38 pm
I know how thirsty you are(Thus the name Parchedmenace), but finish the damn beds before there's some serious bad thought around here.
Post by: Encased in burning magma on September 29, 2010, 11:04:13 pm
Welcome to your Magmavault®.
Indeed! You have been selected as the best of the best! In the unlikely case that something goes wrong, you have been chosen to repopulate the fortress!
You will find your self-sufficient accomodations deep in the middle of the magma sea! A little press on this lever... and there! Sealed in! You will then be able to survive indefinitly thank to a quaint little farm and a wonderful dining room! Lookit all those artifact tables! Who cares about the slaughter of your friends!
And worry not. You will not be alone! You will be granted a breeding pair[mod] of giant cave spiders!
Should your children horde decide to reemerge later, they will enjoy the support of the arachnid!
Remember: they do not feel pity, or fear, or remorse, and cannot be stopped unless killed! They also provide extra incentive to reemerge!
For your amusement, an automated depot trap has been left on the surface. We are not, unfortunatly, able to send you the crispy elf meat while preserving your isolation and safety.
Ps: You better get used to plump helmet.
Pps: Avoid cutting your finger. There is no water.
Ppps: Don't be a dick and channel into the semi molten rock. Please.
Post by: BigJake on September 30, 2010, 12:45:18 am
Please train.
No, don't pickup equipment.
I don't care if he put it back in the bin.
Now you're not wearing plate...
No don't turn around again!
Now you're not wearing mail!
THE BREASTPLATE CAN STAY IN THE DAMN BIN GET TO WORK ARMOKDAMNIT!
Sincerely, The Management.
Post by: Thadius on September 30, 2010, 02:01:10 am
I hate you all. I really do. But seeing as how my magma-based death-rain project has not even begun to be properly conceptualized, much less built, you are welcome for a time.
You are also all masons.
Now get to work on sealing us off from the outside world and all its horrible flying hazards. I want that wall and roof built yesterday.
Dear Giant Cave Spiders,
Stay the fuck down there, I'm not ready for you lot yet. Don't even think of finding some horrible path I haven't thought of to terrorize and murder my dwarves.
Dear Ducim Inoddolush,
I realize that you're a wonderful farmer and brewer. I also realize that for a few months while I worked out the logistics of creating a farming area for you to use, you had no work and merely hauled shit. Furthermore, it does not escape my notice that now we have an abundance of plant life and fine drinks, and that this is all your doing.
However, when the liaison shows up and wants to talk to you, that does not mean you get to ignore him. Yes, I realize what you do is vital to our continued survival, but so isn't a caravan every now and then. Please, for the love of Me, take a break. Meng Uzolalil can cover for you. Honest.
Dear Meng Fathatham,
Suck it up and deal. Yeah, I know, working at the top of the volcano is not your idea of a forge of legends. Be glad that you get to work with a volcano at all. A little aerobic exercise while you haul the ores out of the mountain before you forge them is good for you. If I feel so inclined, I may change your nickname to Hephaestus. Whether or not you become a cripple is up to you.
Signed,
Me, your eternal overseer.
Post by: Vehudur on September 30, 2010, 02:07:34 am
No. Just no. Now go stand over there while I pull this lever, I promise nothing bad will happen.
Urist McMiner:
Stop standing in the lava. Seriously. It's not healthy.
Post by: meto30 on September 30, 2010, 03:06:32 am
My lord King, while it is absolutely true that the apparent 'created wealth value' of your majesty's dominion the fortress of Udibdatur has increased tenfold in the last two years, the colony is in no shape to properly defend itself from a determined enemy. Because of this, and as I your humble servant have informed your majesty just last month in the annual report, all entrances have been sealed and hidden to prevent savages and other enemies of Dwarvenkind from getting inside. Thus, while it is entirely your majesty's perogative and right to do whatever seems best to your majesty with your majesty's subjects, it is me your servant's opinion that sending any more caravans or migration envoys to the local area will only endanger the loyal dwarves, and thus is not commendable. I kneel and beg your majesty to please stop sending them any more. We already have mutilated corpses of 97 dwarves left to the cruelty of nature outside the fortress walls.
Your loyal and humble subject and servant,
Expedition/Colony Leader and Commander of the Colony Militia
Udib Kolmozib
Dear Mebzuth Dishmabatast,
No, that silver warhammer lying 140 meters west of the mountain face is not for you. Put that back down and get back inside. Otherwise we'll have to shut you out along with all those steel-armed kobolds. And no, you may not fight them.
Signed, Colony Leader
Udib Kolmozib the Relieved Chambers
Post by: Urist McTaverish on September 30, 2010, 03:19:19 am
Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work. You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.
Post by: Vehudur on September 30, 2010, 06:27:17 am
Post by: ZhangC1459 on September 30, 2010, 06:36:20 am
Get your already-healed ass out of the goddamn hospital already, you've been sleeping longer than Snow White.
Post by: ungulateman on September 30, 2010, 09:06:59 am
While I apprciate the fact you named yourself "The Spines of Steel", could you do it quicker next time? It's a bundle of paperwork to keep reforming the military and forming it up again.
Post by: Graeldragon on September 30, 2010, 09:53:11 am
I appreciate your enthusiasm for training but please, please stop using the iron bolts to train, i already told you thats not what there for and you have a nice big stack of wooden ones use those. Oh and asking you to defend a burrow does not mean stare angrily at the goblins through the fortification it means shoot them.
Thanks,
your overlord.
PS i know your pets being slaughtered upsets you but that doesn't mean you can throw a tantrum, especially wen you destroy the bridge your standing on and plummet 3 z levels into the lava pit, that just wastes valuable iron.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on September 30, 2010, 10:50:12 am
Please, for the love of Armok and the sake of our wounded, don't sleep in the hospital beds. We have a nice barracks right next door, those beds are for you. Hospital beds are for hurt people, like the miners that valiantly fought off a goblin ambush.
Post by: Samuel on September 30, 2010, 07:10:56 pm
If I see any tantrums over that fucking miasma I swear I'm going to kill you all. Do you know why I designated that dead Giant Mole to be dumped in the middle of nowhere far away from the fortress? So it wouldn't produce miasma! Do you know why you completely ignored that order? I sure as Hell don't! You'll notice that there is now a single, constructed floor tile in the middle of an otherwise rough hewn surface. That's because I had to channel out the ground from underneath the dead mole, then have a floor built over top of it. Just so you dumbasses didn't go crazy and kill each other because of some purple gas!
Signed,
Your exasperated Leader
PS sorry there's not much booze, but all of our barrels are full of plump helmets for some reason!
Post by: Angry Bob on September 30, 2010, 07:18:51 pm
The masterwork plump helmet biscuits I ordered dropped into the volcano were rotten. I know it's sad, but it's no reason to destroy your kitchen and beat the shit out of a carpenter and an armorer. I hope you enjoy your hammer-induced coma and fine pewter sarcophagous.
- Your lord and master
Post by: Salamandangerous on September 30, 2010, 09:29:49 pm
I realize that your gemcutter/trader died on my front lawn last year. this was in fact the direct result of a double goblin ambush. For one reason or another he refused to scurry to the safety of the inner walls with his comrades (who all lived without injury) Rather he chose to stay out and take fifteen crossbow bolts to the neck.
You'll be happy to know we successfully drove off the retches and avenged your comrade fifteen times over, we also traded lucratively with your merchants buying booze wood and weapons in abundance. I humbly ask that you withdraw the fifteen hammermen you have stationed outside my keep, I am certainly not going to lower the drawbridge and your hammermen are certainly going to get a few boulders catapulted at them.
In short you are actually HELPING the goblins, you are helping the ones who killed your loyal gemcutter in cold blood.
Frustrated at your incredible stupidity and misguided rage- Lord of Bent Castle
Post by: xellas84 on October 01, 2010, 01:18:58 am
Due to your overwhelming
Dear Urist McHauler:
Dammit, get those elf corpses out of the grates. They are gonna stink up our
Post by: rat_pack40 on October 01, 2010, 01:29:08 am
Dear Urist McFancypantsAhoy there, Fancypants!
Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work. You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.
....
Sorry, couldn't help myself, been playing the original monkey island recently.
I'll just be over there ===>
...
Post by: Deus Machina on October 01, 2010, 07:23:09 am
My condolences to the group for a pierced left lung, broken rib and ruptured right lung that I doubt will ever heal right, a broken arm (that splint looks to be working wonders, by the way), and the loss of several left toes.
You with the bruised left hand, make note that I do know the difference between 'unconscious' and 'asleep'. Please get back to stonecrafting.
A note to you all: there are two dozen beds in the hospital area. Please utilize them. Having six of you sleeping in one corner as a very literal pile of blood, vomit, and bearded half-armored bodies not only makes Urist McDoctor's job more difficult, but the sight has set varying levels of mental trauma upon the fortress's children.
Please clean yourself, and remember that the edge of the well is not the appropriate place to set your boots, favorite helm, bloodsoaked cloak, or Urist McToddler. Yes, I'm looking at you, Catten.
Sincerely
considering building the hospital against the waterfall's pool to force you all to bathe.
Post by: Knick on October 01, 2010, 08:36:45 am
In a show of solidarity to our comrade Urist McHammerdwarf, all members of the Fenced Winds will be given time off to attend the funeral of little Urist McBabyshield. The funeral will take place in the catacombs as soon as all the body parts have been located. It would be much appreciated if whoever found Urist McBabyshields right forearm and left foot would return it.
PS: Would someone please clean the spatterings of baby blood off the walls of the barraks?
Post by: Encased in burning magma on October 01, 2010, 12:45:25 pm
STOP STRIPPING RANDOMLY! FUCK YOU!
Post by: Kearn on October 01, 2010, 12:52:59 pm
Post by: Eugenitor on October 01, 2010, 01:00:10 pm
STOP RIDING THE FREAKING DUMPED STONE INTO THE VOLCANO YOU IDIOTS
(http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/pictures/2000/02/03/DrStrangelove.jpg)?
Post by: Kearn on October 01, 2010, 01:08:21 pm
(http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/pictures/2000/02/03/DrStrangelove.jpg)?
yes
Post by: Clover Magic on October 01, 2010, 05:32:48 pm
I am a benevolent overlord. Really, I am. I love cats. Newborn kittens are only greeted with caging, and pet cats wander my halls freely. You should be honored to live in a fort where cats are not slaughtered wholesale.
So please ignore the "curiosity killed the cat" folk saying and refrain from exploring the newly-dug cistern as it is being flooded. I won't dig you an escape stairwell next time, and I only did it the first time so my expedition leader would not tantrum and your rotten corpse wouldn't muck up my fort's water source. A Cautious Cat is a Healthy Cat.
Thank you,
Your Cat-Loving Overseer
Post by: KaguroDraven on October 01, 2010, 05:38:56 pm
I am a kind god to you, I guide you with a loveing hand until you are all fat, rich, and have slaughtered every monster, goblin, and elf around. But I beg of you, please stop putting hauling hunks of rock above getting rid of the rotting mule brain that is createing a miasa that is makeing everyone unhappy.
Related to this, please haul all food into barrels as fast as possible as to prevent rot like this in the first place.
Greetings.
Your nameless God.
Post by: FreakyCheeseMan on October 02, 2010, 01:01:40 pm
While I was delighted to command the Helmed Horrors and the Axes of Murder, your latest feat of nomenclature, The Large Orbs, has me weeping with joy. I will sing your praises as long as we both shall live. Marry me.
Post by: Shrugging Khan on October 02, 2010, 01:33:11 pm
You are, from now on, banned from the beach. You may also no longer drink from the well. Drink booze, or die of thirst.
Sincerely,
Shrugger
Post by: m1k3y4e7 on October 02, 2010, 02:11:52 pm
while I agree that cleanliness is important, I would appreciate if, in the future, you did not stop to clean while magma was flowing towards you.
sincerely,
Urist mcruler
Post by: Granzon on October 02, 2010, 03:12:40 pm
if there is a cave crocodile between you and a piece of cave spider silk it is not a wise idea
to take the most direct route.
A dwarfen live is worth more than some silk (maybe).
Post by: mrtspence on October 02, 2010, 03:30:10 pm
Post by: Greiger on October 03, 2010, 08:22:42 pm
The area previously known as future workshops, barracks, diningroom, hospital, and dorms, will henceforth be known as the primary water storage area.
My bad.
Sincerely:
The management.
P.S. No-one will ever speak of this again.
Post by: Wolock on October 03, 2010, 08:47:03 pm
Please note that we expect you to use your working pick during deployment. Sure, you wrestled 3 or 4 rhesus macaque to death without problem, but the pick you dropped is now gone in the wild. Now, we have to live above ground like humans until a caravan brings us a pick.
Sincerely,
The group.
Post by: Greiger on October 03, 2010, 09:58:41 pm
The attempts to properly tap the primary water storage area has been successful. However a minor oversight caused the dining hall and nearby rooms to be temporarily flooded and resulted in the outpost mason drowning due to an excess of pressure inside the primary water storage area. However the water has mostly receded now, and you can properly enjoy your new dining room waterfall.
Sincerely,
The management.
P.S. The area previously known as the 'new' dorms, will henceforth be known as secondary redundant water storage area.
P.P.S. The management is not appreciating the nickname of "Captain F**k-up". If use of the name continues, and we don't all drown first, offenders will be hammered.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on October 03, 2010, 10:12:59 pm
Post by: Drakeero on October 03, 2010, 11:36:46 pm
I am indeed sorry to ruin your morning so early with such a depressing letter slid under your door but some of us actually like to get things done before hell freezes over. You have been relieved of your private carpentry workshop. I noticed your building lack of enthusiasm throughout the winter while your colleague has far outpaced you in production and training. For the entire latter half of the winter you did nothing at all! I would have had a talk with you sooner but you are probably aware of the 25 migrant invasion that took us early in the spring and I have been dealing with that, obviously. Now that we have two other carpenters who are showing extreme progress and production despite almost no starting skill I no longer require your services. Rest assured, you will not be assigned any new tasks.
Most Disappointed,
Your lord.
P.S. The key to your room has been hidden underneath the stack of work orders in your former workshop. If you're lucky someone will find it before you starve.
Post by: Mantonio on October 04, 2010, 02:17:51 am
YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN OUT OF THE AREA AFTER MAULING ONE OF THE ORIGINAL SEVEN! You think Urist McFisherman won't be avenged? You, your children, and your children's children will be hunted down like the beasts they are! And the moment we figure out how, ALL shall wear clothing made of your kind! See if we don't!
Sincerely, leader of Mirecradle
Post by: Romeofalling on October 04, 2010, 03:48:25 am
I suppose I should have known you would prove to be a lazy incompetent when you showed up at my door with no skills other than Novice Conversationalist and Novice Flatterer. Still, I would have thought that you would have at least hauled some food out of the trade depot by now. Instead, you sit on your ass On Break or No Job for the better part of a year now. I have, by degrees, tried to tempt you to join every part of my workforce, but still you remain On Break.
Is there nothing you would enjoy doing? Is there no task that you don't consider beneath you? Could you at least throw a party or something? Every other member of your immigration wave has at least picked up a few Dabbling skills by now. But here you sit, month after month, twiddling your gorram thumbs, in the middle of my new external fortification eff.....
Oh, my bad. You've been trapped behind a wall this entire time.
Post by: Romeofalling on October 04, 2010, 05:09:16 am
I do not understand why you immediately call out "check" when I tell you to equip the (*bronze battle axe*) but stare at me blankly when I tell you to equip either "any battleaxe" or "any melee weapon of your choice."
Nor do I understand why, when I leave your weapon choice to your perogative, you insist on grabbing two -obsidian swords- even though you are an Adept Axedwarf.
Will you please just focus on learning one weapon at a time?
Post by: LuckyLuigi on October 04, 2010, 05:50:28 am
I realize I'm keeping you very busy with...actually scratch that, at least 40 of you are spending all your time boozing in our legendary dining hall.
Seeing as you have time a-plenty, would it be such a hassle to pick up the clothes you've claimed and then conveniently dropped in doorways providing easy access to wandering monsters ? It's really getting on my OCD nerves.
Also my apologies to the military as a whole, and the spouse of Urist mcAxedwarf in particular. In retrospect having practice fights against alligators in our new arena was not such a good idea. The doctor tells me that it is not possible to reattach his ripped of arms.
On a positive note I've finally managed to make a single piece of steel armor ! You'll have to share it amongst yourselves untill I get my hands on more iron or steel.
It's good to see you're enjoying the ingenious waterfall system we've installed and that it has already made you forget about the 7 dwarves that drowned when I connected the power and was unable to reach the off switch, or the 25-ish dwarf children and babies that got flushed down the "Stairway of Doom" when I needed to get rid of the water in the underground treefarm. It's good to see you all nice and clean btw :)
Sincerely,
Your whimsical god
P.S. Dear fortress guard, we've got shiny new jail cells so please stop beating to death our legendary smith.
Post by: Chutriel on October 04, 2010, 06:27:23 am
Congratulations on the birth of your first child with Urist McLegendaryMason. However, i would like to offer a few tips when/if the next child comes to be.
1. We just recently got our hospital up and running. We even got a doctor in the last migrant wave. These services are available to everyone in this mountainhome free of charge to keep you and everyone else in tip top shape. (this includes that tiny scratch on your right hand you got from a giant tiger which you killed with your BARE HANDS)
2. At least birth in your room, not in the brew stockpiles while casually getting a drink. I'm pretty sure the 5 children who were less than 2 feet from you were a tad confused.
Signed, your appalled overseer.
Post by: Kipi on October 04, 2010, 08:13:08 am
I know it's frustrating if mandates are not met. And I know it's Baroness' right to make one and sheriff's duty to punish if the mandates are not met. Still, you are allowed to use common sense. If baroness demands Adamantine items to be produced, and the fort has no access to such thing yet, and hasn't even discovered the vein yet, it's not all right to put the best weaponsmith to jail for 520 days just because of that.
Sincerely
Your lord
Post by: magmaholic on October 04, 2010, 11:39:09 am
Dont die.
Your noble bastard.
Post by: CapnUrist on October 04, 2010, 06:43:56 pm
Congratulations. Out of almost 90 dwarves, you eighteen managed to avoid being beaten, slashed, or justice'd to death by your fellows. Unfortunately, seeing as the fortress has been sealed from within to prevent news of this tragedy from reaching the Mountainhomes (or worse, the Elves... think of the humility!), you will all have to stay here amongst the blood, corpses, miasma, and each other. There is probably enough plump helmets to last a few years, but as there is now no one to make wine, I have little hope to find any of you alive when I return with a
My deepest apologies,
Overseer UristMcAmused
Post by: xellas84 on October 04, 2010, 10:12:42 pm
I know you had a terrible fright from that goblin ambush. Due to an oversight on my part, our defenses were not primed as well as they could have been, and you had to mobilize and wrestle the goblin leader down and let one of the random dogs rip his throat out to kill him. My deepest apologies for that mistake. I promise, I'll find a way to deal with the 4 still alive down in the death pit.
However, for the love of Armok and all things bloody, STOP BEING SCARED ALREADY. Having 30 of you repeatedly try to pick up the items on the bridge, see the scary goblins 5 stories below (Who, mind you, ALL have two broken legs from the fall!) and then cancel and run away, ONLY TO TRY AGAIN HALF A SECOND LATER, is really getting on my nerves. I'm forbidding those damned obsidian rings now.
Dear Urist McJanitor:
STOP TRYING TO CLEAN THE DAMN BRIDGE IF YOU ARE SCARED. I'm about to throw you down in the damn pit WITH the scary goblins.
Post by: Samuel on October 05, 2010, 06:35:18 am
I get that you don't have an assigned bedroom yet, but there are plenty of free rooms. Plus, Nil has been standing in her doorway in a strange mood for several days, and I doubt she takes kindly to you walking right past her and sleeping in her bed. I'm just sayin', I don't want any harm to come to you, but if she snaps and goes Lorena Bobbit on your ass, I can't promise I won't laugh.
-Your Fearless Leader
Dear Elf Merchants,
You probably should have taken that Elf skelaton you walked past as a warning. It did belong to one of the Elf Merchants who came before you, after all.
Signed,
Your not-too-subtle enemy
Dear Dwarves,
Did any of you kill that third Elf Merchant? I honestly can't find him anywhere. I'd hate to find out he's hiding somewhere, biding his time and preparing a Rambo-style revenge attack. I also want to kill him and take his stuff. He's presumably wearing a red-and-white striped robe.
-Signed, Your Leader
Post by: SanDiego on October 05, 2010, 09:52:55 am
I know you are no mason, but which part of "Put a wall between us and the hellrift" didn't you understand? I hope you enjoy being walled in with countless unspeakable horrors.
Sincerely, you suck.
Post by: Unshaven on October 05, 2010, 11:55:32 am
Would you please stop taking your new borns into danger room the burrow lists are only updated bi yearly till then it should be your responsibility not take your baby into the clearly marked room. The triple anti pet doors guarding the danger room should be taken as indication that it's not a safe place for the small and vulnerable.
Your concerned and bewildered overlord.
Post by: EddyP on October 05, 2010, 01:02:33 pm
The plan was: Pull the lever, extend the bridge, lure invaders to in front of bridge where catapult can hit them, pull lever again, retract bridge, kill invaders, let traders out.
The plan was not: Pull the lever, extend the bridge, lure invaders to in front of bridge where catapult can hit them, wander off on a break.
Please reflect on this in death.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on October 05, 2010, 01:58:11 pm
Pick up your gauntlets. Good, now pick up your helmet. Wait, don't drop your gauntlets. Pick up your gauntlets. Don't drop your helmet. Pick up your helmet. DON'T DROP YOUR GAUNTLETS.
FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Your increasingly cheesed off overlord.
Post by: Vorthon on October 07, 2010, 11:43:42 am
I honestly have no idea how you got on top that wall, and quite frankly, if you hadn't given birth up there, chances are I never would have found you, and you would have starved. Seriously, how did you get on top of a wall with no stairs, or any connection to the mountainside? At least your pet duckling was with you.
Signed, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.
(Seriously! I had built a series of pumps to transfer water from a small pond to a cistern I had dug, and built walls on either side of them to prevent leakage. The setup was like this:
~~
~~ WW WW WW
~~%%#%%#%% (etc.)
~~ WW WW WW
W=Wall
~=Water
%=Pump
#=Floor Grate
Somehow, she ended up on top of one those double wall bits. Any idea how?)
Post by: Flaede on October 07, 2010, 12:29:34 pm
Dear Urist McWallClimber
I honestly have no idea how you got on top that wall, and quite frankly, if you hadn't given birth up there, chances are I never would have found you, and you would have starved. Seriously, how did you get on top of a wall with no stairs, or any connection to the mountainside? At least your pet duckling was with you.
Signed, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.
I don't know how it happened, but I had a similar confusing wall-climbing incident - a dog on an ice pillar, in the middle of a glacier. Like you, I found her when she gave birth.
Post by: Moosey on October 07, 2010, 01:05:39 pm
Only twice in the long, storied history of my fort have I needed to use the task manager screen. And twice you've decided to take months-long breaks at the precise time you were needed most.
Work has begun on a special alligator pit designed personally for you.
Post by: Duriel on October 07, 2010, 01:11:30 pm
Post by: Sphalerite on October 07, 2010, 01:24:04 pm
Post by: godisdead132 on October 07, 2010, 02:39:31 pm
may your lånem nentuk & zodost i hope your rÜsh is dezrem & serkib
(its dwarven translate if you want to)
Post by: Horizon9 on October 07, 2010, 05:29:32 pm
Next time you decide to take the only Mason's Workshop we have to appease the forces possessing you, please at least try to make sure you request items we have. You're lowly miner friend took the same workshop after you died and managed to make a gneiss grate encrusted with gneiss that menaced with gneiss spikes. It may have been a measly grate, but at least he requested things we have. You will not be missed, and your spot has been taken by one of the many other stoneworkers.
Enjoy your death.
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Post by: CapnUrist on October 12, 2010, 08:00:45 pm
I understand you are excited about your new appointment, sir. However, by selecting for your first decree as mayor a demand for a candy item, when the fortress has yet to even pierce the first caverns, has caused the masons and mechanics some distress. I believe I heard them discussing alterations to your new bedroom schematics, along with their musings over which mechanisms would survive the temperatures observed within the local volcano. You would do well to tread a little more carefully in the future.
Sincerely,
Your Humble Advisor.
Post by: Thadius on October 12, 2010, 08:23:20 pm
STOP HARASSING MY FORTRESS. I will NOT return any of you that I catch to the wilds, so stop clogging up my cage traps!
Signed, Overseer UristMcAnimalHater.
Post by: rdwulfe on October 12, 2010, 10:14:38 pm
I, your Overlord and One True God, have removed the ability to breed from all cats for a reason. When you come to My Chosen Land, please, for the love of Me, DO NOT bring cats with you. One or two is fine. But inevitably, each group seems to bring 10 cats with them. One cat is sufficient to de-verminize my entire fort. I hate cats. The next Migrant that brings a cat is going to receive five metric tons of Magma for a birthday present. I will not be held responsible for the deaths that result in this migrant's friends and family.
If the cat should survive, I will then butcher it, and make a waterskin from it's flesh.
Thank you,
Rion Wulfe
Post by: yaklin on October 12, 2010, 10:25:19 pm
If the future of the fort absolutely needs a miner because the two starter miners died in a freak flooding accident that flooded the whole fort, TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE A PICK!! DON'T JUST DROP IT OFF AT THE SPAWN POINT!!!
your very ANGRY overlord,
yaklin
Post by: SkyRender on October 12, 2010, 10:34:43 pm
While I appreciate your enthusiasm for work, I do wish you'd realize that bringing barrels, bins, and smelted metals to stockpiles is slightly more important than grabbing the knickknacks of the latest failed Goblin assault. Don't make me go Dwarf Therapist on you.
Sincerely,
That voice in your heads that tells you what to do
Post by: Mr. Argent on October 12, 2010, 11:09:45 pm
Maybe if you didn't keep making retarded unfulfillable mandates i wouldn't have to lock you in your office. I hope your child doesn't share your fate and starve before i can retrieve it from your office after you've passed on, maybe it'll make a better mayor.
Post by: Namfuak on October 12, 2010, 11:12:12 pm
I know you love Electrum. This is good, because it is easy to make since we have plenty of silver, gold, and magma smelters. However, mandating the production of electrum items after I have just completed your mausoleum made entirely out of electrum is somewhat annoying. Lucky for you, I made a bucket for you that I can use in the next well.
Dear Urists McHaulers,
It has been 2 years, and the water cistern STILL has 9/10 of the rocks it had when it was finished. I even tried to expedite the process by creating a dump pile above the proposed waterline and designating every rock for dumping, but it still hasn't been done. Do it already.
Your annoyed, but otherwise happy with his situation, Overseer
Namfuak
Post by: The13thClam on October 12, 2010, 11:25:30 pm
This is a friendly reminder from your
Signed,
Your friendly neighborhood administrator
Notice to all migrants to Jungledeath, the Damned Fortress of Bone
Greetings! Thank you for journeying to our fortress from the mountain home! I understand you are tired after your travels. Please, take some time to rest and get used to how things work around here. After you have sufficiently rested, you will be divided into two categories. Those who have skills, those who are going to be spending much of their remaining lives carrying things around, and those who are special. If you are designated special, please report to the armory immediately. You will be doing extended patrol duty to keep our fortress safe. If you complain about this too much, you will suddenly find yourself on permanent sentry duty to spot incoming goblin/kobold/blendec/skeleton elephant/giant cat incursions into our territory. And you will do so armed with the weapons nature provided you. Remember, you are expendable until proven otherwise.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood administrator
A notice to all residents of Jungledeath, the Damned Fortress of Bone
Please stop loitering on the drawbridges. In event of an emergency they will be shut, damn the consequences. You have been warned.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood administrator
Post by: Urist McTaverish on October 13, 2010, 04:34:21 am
Dear Urist McFancypantsAhoy there, Fancypants!
Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work. You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.
....
Sorry, couldn't help myself, been playing the original monkey island recently.
I'll just be over there ===>
...
It was an artifact pair of GCS silk trousers. I forget what all it had but it was indeed a fancy pair of pants.
Dear Refuse Haulers
I appreciate the fact that no one has yet taken a spill in the new garbage chute into the volcano, but please, for the love of Armok dump the right stuff in it! Bodies go in the chute, stones go into the quantum stockpile outside the mason's workshop! The fortress depends on our masons and mechanics making very nice rock materials for trade and use, we DON'T need bodies stinking up the work level because you can't get your piles straight.
Your Rapidly-Losing-Benevolence Overlord
Post by: MBlueD on October 13, 2010, 09:35:38 am
Please don't... Actually you know what - fuck it. Please do. Urist, see that bauxite lever with ARMOK written above it in big blood red letters? Please pull that on your way to do whatever it is you want to do.
Thanks. Don't call me - I'll call you.
Post by: Kingsdragon on October 13, 2010, 10:13:05 am
Hurry up and create your Artifact, I'm sure it doesn't need a billion different materials so that by the time you've gotten to creating it, you're half starved to death and almost falling over from sleep deprivation and thirst.
Your concerned boss.
Post by: LealNightrunner on October 13, 2010, 10:49:38 am
Please note that in the future it is considered good form not to drown with our only pick.
Regards,
Rest of the dwarves who would be digging you a grave.
Post by: Kearn on October 13, 2010, 12:16:56 pm
Post by: Flaede on October 13, 2010, 01:23:14 pm
First, congratulations: this grand fort has built itself an empire out of its humble silk industry. We have gotten rich from an often overlooked resource - the cave spiders that roam out vast (and walled in) underground. Trading only a few, perfect designer suits each year for everything our fortress could need, the boiledfurnace brand is at the top of the fashion world, and the "we start with a web" slogan enjoyed great success.
Sadly, it seems we will have to discontinue our silk-work operations. I hesitate to lay blame, but in this case I think we all know the culprit - Obok's Cat has wiped out our local spider populations. Single pawed (literally, since the auto cat-radification device almost saved us), this creature has brought us to our knees. While we could trade for silk, it would dilute the brand, and we have heard stories of child labour in the human silkworm provinces that would doubtless harm our brand.
Since Bomrek and Dodok both recently proved capable of legendary genius in the art of leatherwork, and Urist-The-Butcher has a legendary reputation herself, I am proposing we switch to a slightly more edgy line for next fall's caravan-fashion-show: Cat Leather. Bomrek has created a prototype leather coat in StrikeFisted the Anvil of Suffering (it menaces with spikes of Diamonds!), and Dodok showed great genius with his leather miniskirt prototype - BloodSprinkled. I vote we move to full production immediately, starting with the hide of Obok's Cat, now that Obok is no longer around to object.
The ad department has already come up with a doozy of a trademark phrase:
"The Best Way To Skin A Cat - BoiledFurnace"
Keep up the good work. We won't let e little thing like mass extinction slow us down!
Sincerely,
the majority stakeholder in BoiledFurnace Clothing and Accessories Ltd.
Post by: ElthMysterius on October 13, 2010, 01:27:39 pm
I understand that you were mightily upset after the four goblin ambushes that befell us in a row killed a great many of our number. And yes, you have the right to be angry, and throw your sword at a wall. I could've easily forgiven you if you had broken somebody's jaw. It happens.
But you actually seeked out our broker, found him in the well room alone, and put your shield through his face. And then you felt even worse. And then you had to gall to follow the mayor around to complain at him because you killed someone!
If we didn't need every single soldier available, and if we actually had a justice system, you'd have been jailed a long time ago. At least you seem a lot happier just knowing you're evading the law.
Your days are numbered,
The Overseer
Post by: Samuel on October 13, 2010, 01:53:26 pm
To prevent you people from having a fortress-wide simultaneous nervous breakdown, I'm taking a new direction in "rotting dwarf corpses in the hallway" management.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McMason,
Frankly, you should have been more mindful of where you were standing when you built that wall. Don't worry, there's plenty of plants down there to eat, but, if you want to destroy that wall and come back up, You'll have to find a way to kill that giant humanoid made of coral first. Best of luck with- ...oh. Well then, that resolved itself. The wall stays.
Signed,
The guy who's not even going to come down there to bury you one z-level under the floor.
Post by: Kearn on October 13, 2010, 02:23:27 pm
Post by: lordofhyphens on October 13, 2010, 04:02:24 pm
If you want something made out bugbat teeth... you're going to have to get said teeth yourself.
Post by: albatross on October 13, 2010, 04:07:26 pm
I wish that, for example, when you dig out a room, you'd have the courtesy to mine, shall we say, in less random manner. It's irritating. Just because I gave you full freedom over the methods how to execute my orders at the location you were assigned to, does not mean that you shouldn't live up to your CV. I know for a fact that you are an organized, intelligent and a confident dwarf. You should start showing those qualities in your everyday activities.
Have I not always been good to you? Did I not provide you with the best food and alcohol available upon your departure? I entrusted you with the very best equipment in my possession, and you repay the kindness with incompetence and erratic behavior? Surely you know that due to my reputation I cannot have my subordinates act like you've been acting. All I ask is little respect. Kindly start showing it to me.
Otherwise I cannot guarantee your safety any longer.
That is all.
P.S. I trust that the remains of the six others will not surface. It would be unfortunate. Especially for you.
Post by: Rhaken on October 13, 2010, 06:49:32 pm
I know meeting with the liaison is a tiring affair. I also know that a break feels just great after you've spent days talking about red tape and whatnot. I understand. You did spend most of a year hauling things around without a word of complaint. Really, you earned your break time.
Of course, next time you decide to go on break for a month two weeks after the dwarven caravan arrives, I will be forced to draft you into the military. As a melee weapon.
Wrathfully yours,
The General
Dear Inod, Engraver of Mirrorbeards,
I chose you for the task of engraving the barracks because I know you're the best. However, that is no excuse to be a lazy artist. All your engravings revolve around the same three events, and they all happen to be exactly alike.
Should you not get creative, the army will become quite cranky over the lack of variety in their engraved walls and floors. If the army becomes cranky, you will be drafted, given a basalt vuvuzela, and locked outside on patrol duty.
PS: Yes, I am quite aware that most of the elephants outside are skeletal. I assure you, by the time you are done with your patrol duty, you will be every bit as skeletal as they are.
Have a nice inspirational day (if you know what's good for you),
The General
Post by: Jake on October 13, 2010, 09:30:44 pm
Post by: The13thClam on October 13, 2010, 09:33:56 pm
It's an instrument of sorts. That sounds like a swarm of bees.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jake on October 13, 2010, 11:55:03 pm
Post by: ungulateman on October 14, 2010, 12:06:54 am
Dear Urist McMetalsmith and Cog McMechanic,
Sorry for accidentally drafting you and sending you out to fight that frigging werewolf. I meant to send all those useless cheese makers and such. Could you get out of the hospital, though? You only have bruises and cuts, and it's been eight months...
Post by: Chandrak on October 14, 2010, 12:31:09 am
Really now, the subject matter of your latest project, entitled 'The Secretive Culmination', is just inappropriate for a child your age. I mean really, creating masterpiece artworks that are 'relating to the foundation of the Beguiler of Souls by The Enjoyable Bodices of The Long Mine'?
What would your mother think?
Post by: NieXS on October 14, 2010, 12:35:39 am
Dear Urist McPossessedChild,To be fair, the kid was possessed.
Really now, the subject matter of your latest project, entitled 'The Secretive Culmination', is just inappropriate for a child your age. I mean really, creating masterpiece artworks that are 'relating to the foundation of the Beguiler of Souls by The Enjoyable Bodices of The Long Mine'?
What would your mother think?
Post by: Chandrak on October 14, 2010, 12:46:19 am
Post by: Urist McTaverish on October 14, 2010, 12:47:26 am
Due to a slight oversight we can only send you out with one pick, no anvil, and enough food and booze to (hopefully) last you until we can send a caravan. On the plus side at least you are all a little better trained than most of the rabble we send out on
P.S.: Our geology experts say there's an aquifer there. Good luck!
Despotically Yours
Urist McTaverish, Foreman
Post by: Flaede on October 14, 2010, 12:58:03 am
Since our previous fortress did so well for itself skinning cats for a living (before the unfortunate Siege Incident), we have decided to equip you with two of each of the more interesting animals in our royal zoo. Giant bats, Cave Crocodiles... the whole list should already be in your posession.
We are sorry, but this means we can't spare any expenses for training. Or food. Or booze. or anything but a pick, really.
Enjoy,
- Andrew
Post by: Plutoman on October 14, 2010, 01:02:31 am
When your body is rotten enough and swollen enough to the point where you are a moving point of miasma, it is fairly useless to throw a temper trantrum. Your days are rather limited. Go fight off a few demons on your way out - it'll mean a quicker death and less painful death.
Sincerely,
Your now-dead expedition leader from a circus team.
Post by: Deus Machina on October 14, 2010, 02:09:32 am
Thank you for being quicker than expected in pulling the lever to raise the entrance bridge when the cyclops showed up. He stumbled into a cage trap anyway (I have no idea what to do with him, aside from digging a new training pit for the military), but you arose to the occasion and took drunkenly to that lever at tremendous speed.
In the future, however, I should note that a couple of those traps are built of masterwork components, and it would be prudent to shout a warning to any dwarf standing about admiring them. I know he tends to stop in the path of more important traffic, but a working drawbridge is really not the best way to get Urist McProjectile's attention.
Dear Catten McMotherAgain,
Congratulations on your new child, and you're welcome to some time to show the newborn around the fortress for the first time. But you helped us build the magma tunnels under the workships, and should remember that the only orthoclase door in the fortress leads to them. I forgot to lock it, so sue me. Didn't you notice the knob burning your hand? But you muscle on through the pain just to open that, and--oh, look. Urist McBarfmachine wasn't even two weeks old, and you broiled him.
He will have the honor of being the first of the fortress' burial by magma, and he will be wearing your armor for it. For your trouble, your reward will be to test the new cyclops pit.
Sincerely,
the person demoting you from captain of the guard.
Post by: LealNightrunner on October 14, 2010, 11:16:21 pm
I realize you are willing to show off your unCarpentry skills in excellent fashion by dismantling and moving these screw pumps so we may continue to wall up the aquifer. However, upon dismembering a screw pump into it's components, and then hauling them off to the nearby stockpile for storage until they are reconstructed, let me make one thing clear.
Don't drown your damn way through the flooded aquifer level and then drop your corkscrew right in the middle of it in your attempt to get to the stockpile.
It's a very small breach, 6x6 at best. And all the water tiles are tagged as restricted, so GO AROUND. But no, you chose to be Urist McPhelps and swim. So now you're drenched and I have a corkscrew two levels down that I have to replace.
Please enjoy your future as a Buzzard Hunter.
Signed,
Your Overlord
Post by: Lielac on October 15, 2010, 12:10:53 am
NO MORE FISH. EVER.
Dear Urist McCatlover,
Get your freakin' kitty to stop running around or let me shove it in a cage, I don't care, but it's getting really irritating!
Dear Urist McBabymaker,
No more kiddies, kthanks?
Dear Urist McMoodydwarf,
Make it out of the available materials or throw yourself in the river.
Signed,
Your Mostly Benevolent Overlady
Post by: Eric Blank on October 15, 2010, 01:48:19 am
Excellent work on the current project! I'm happy to say that it should be completed on time with minimal risk if we all continue to follow our orders and make good decisions. I intend to dig out and engrave a grand dining hall as soon as our currently assigned tasks in the caverns are completed.
Dear Head Craftsman Totemlord Zefonled,
Please refrain from demanding materials which we could never supply for your artifact. On top of this, please don't go crazy AFTER you've begun construction. We really need you, as you will become our single most valuable mechanic.
Post by: xellas84 on October 15, 2010, 04:15:35 am
STOP BEING SO DAMNED LAZY! When I go and tell you that you don't have to haul anything so that you can get to cutting down the half dozen trees in our waterway while it's winter and it can be dried out, that doesn't mean for EVERY LAST WOODCUTTER to go on break for the rest of the season! I swear by Armok's flaming beard, the next dwarf to do this will be hurled down a 20 zlevel pit into a pool of magma.
Your increasingly incensed overlord
Post by: mr_seeker on October 15, 2010, 06:26:57 am
Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!
Overlord.
Post by: ungulateman on October 15, 2010, 06:36:57 am
To the queen:
Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!
Overlord.
Overlord.
Assign someone to do it under "Architecture", under the "Other" heading of the labours screen, or by using Dwarf Therapist. Skill levels aren't important for this.
Your King (Crossdressing is fun, alright?)
Post by: Vehudur on October 15, 2010, 06:44:11 am
To the queen:
Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!
Overlord.
Overlord.
Assign someone to do it under "Architecture", under the "Other" heading of the labours screen, or by using Dwarf Therapist. Skill levels aren't important for this.
Your King (Crossdressing is fun, alright?)
(mildly inappropriate)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also, I've gotten so used to DT that I don't remember how to assign labors without it >.<
As funny as that sounds.
Post by: mr_seeker on October 15, 2010, 06:45:09 am
To the queen:
Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!
Overlord.
Overlord.
Assign someone to do it under "Architecture", under the "Other" heading of the labours screen, or by using Dwarf Therapist. Skill levels aren't important for this.
Your King (Crossdressing is fun, alright?)
Note to self: If dwarves dont do it themselves, command them to do it...
Post by: schussel on October 15, 2010, 08:56:51 am
Recepient: Urist McSuperMarksdwarf
Dear Urist McSuperMarksdwarf ...
i honor your faith in my command and your more than lacking moving skills but following the order to get near that fortification resulting constantly standing about 2 tiles away or running 1 floor below into the intended killzone does not make my appreciation for your mad combatcries grow. I cheerish your agenda of personal choice and reluctance to follow my (repeated) godly directions just to step ONE tile so you can fulfill your destiny (e.G. raining death to infid-Elves and goblins from above) but to ignore ammo-Stockpiles and trying to bash in the heads of 15 invading orcs on elephants with your crossbow but .. the Bloodgod called and he tells no more dwarf jelly on his incoming box please, thank you.
I please beg you to consult to this matter appropriatly and maybe forward this message to your BFF Urist Mcidontneedweaponsiamthehulkhimself aka legendary Axedwarf that just in combat situations (not training understandingly) takes any weapon besides bare fists as not honorable.
May the blood wash away all your sins and the water of our dining room well wash this blood as well.
greetings the Controller
Message 2:
Sender: Cursor the Allmighty (aka the Controller aka the Master Planner)
Recepient: Urist McMasterbuilder
Dear Urist McMasterbuilder(v .16),
we got a serious issue here my friend. If one last time you manage to stand on the forbidden spot (you know .. that with the suspended wall designated) just to wall yourself in(/or out) or channel yourself onto the cavein trap plattform or demonstrating that magma is indeed hot) i will gather that clouder of kittens on the next swingbridge and bridgepult it onto your miserable being until your face comes off from tousand little claws clinging to your facemeat. The Bloodgod approves, thank you.
Furiously steaming ..
the Controller
PS to the board: since .16 dwarfes ignore suspended walls and build from those places again .. how to circumvent .. its annoying to play that lottery till one dwarf gets that correct :(
Post by: WrathNail on October 15, 2010, 09:08:04 am
Gates are closed until you learn skills that are actually useful. Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Not your Mayor
P.S: Loitering near the outer walls will be punished by bolt through the head.
Post by: Chandrak on October 19, 2010, 05:34:12 pm
I realize that dwarves are inquisitive by nature. I realize that any unclaimed article of clothing in the fortress is yours for the taking should you so desire it. I also realize that you dislike miasma.
However, it is uncouth to mob the bodies of dead dwarves in a frenzy of item claiming only to whine about the miasma that spreads because you were too busy stealing Urist McDeadguy's socks to bury him properly.
Please direct further complaints to the 4 Forgotten Beasts
Post by: StreetPizza on October 20, 2010, 12:14:21 pm
When I tell you to pull the lever to close the floodgate, that means I want you to pull the lever now, not after you have a drink and a mushroom burger with your fellow Urists, at which point the farm room meant to be lightly flooded will be full of fish and completely frickin' useless until the miners dig canals to drain the room.
Signed,
Batman
Post by: Akura on October 20, 2010, 01:20:38 pm
Congratulations on your successful pilfering of a rough star sapphire! I'm surprised at it, I don't even know how it got out there... While he have located other sapphire deposits, almost all of which have had a star sapphire among them, the theft of even one will cause some consternation once we get our gem cutter/setter trained. So, again, congratulations on your successful heist.
Signed,
Overlord of Oilwashed.
PS. Your family didn't make it. They were all hunted down, slashed, smashed, broken, impaled, and strangled. Including one fiesty little fella who was chased around for several days before being caught up with and a ≡steel sword≡ was driven into him/her. Fortunately, we recovered an emerald-dyed rope reed thread from them.
Post by: cyclotis04 on October 20, 2010, 02:20:46 pm
I appreciate your continued trade over the years, and the exotic animals you bring have always been met with great eagerness, as they make excellent guards and creatures for our zoo. It has come to my attention, however, that this most recent season you brought with and attempted to sell Icemi Ruyavamiceli the Tigerman diagnoser (whom you call "stray" and "tame.") I would like to inform you that we Dwarves here at Imagewhip do not tolerate slavery or the selling of sentient persons, and that we find your suggestions of either butchering him or assigning him as someone's pet appalling
I hope we can continue to do honest business together for many years.
Sincerely,
Urist McKing
Post by: Urist McTaverish on October 20, 2010, 04:55:08 pm
Yes, I realize that warm stone is a good indicator of magma nearby, but for the love of Armok the magma is BELOW you. Just dig out the obsidian I asked you for!
Yours,
The Voice In All Your Heads
Post by: mr_seeker on October 20, 2010, 05:32:47 pm
Please note that the refuse pit is linked to a lever, which causes it to flush the pit. I dont take any responsibility for things that will happen (drowning for example) when you are flushed down into the sewers, because you want to recover some dead animal. To prevent you from getting lost, I installed a safety device. Please know that this is a step-on lever, not some "Sesame open" door.
Post by: Zrk2 on October 20, 2010, 07:34:23 pm
Show a little respect and play with that new present you head gave you, it's called a brain.
Sincerely,
Not an idiot, your executioner, benevolent dictator, etc, etc. beloved of all, his royall majisterial, so on and so forth, ad infinitum, Emperor of the Damned, Zrk2
Post by: Vehudur on October 21, 2010, 02:35:59 am
I know there is a ramp that heads down into that lava channel, and it's a shorter path than the bridge, that doesn't mean you should try to use it and then cancel your job because you're too dumb to see the bridge right next to it.
Post by: Krath on October 21, 2010, 04:55:33 am
I understand you're thirsty. A Dwarf needs his beer. You need to refill your waterskin, and that's okay. What's not okay is you doing this when a goblin siege arrives. When the goblins attack and our most skilled dwarves decide it'd be a great time to eat/sleep/drink/take a break, I can't help but feel angry.
Signed,
Your magma loving overlord.
Post by: Musashi on October 21, 2010, 11:59:40 am
please stop building doors, walls and floodgates while you are on the wrong, dangerous, and fun side.
No love.
Dear Mayor Urist,
you seem to have important needs when it comes to rooms. I had to destroy the office of the more humble, less needy bookkeeper in order to keep you satisfied. Also, twice in a row, you seem to think it is a brilliant idea to forbid the exporting of iron items. Please ignore the digging that is taking place around your brand new hugemongous office. Yes, there is a long tunnel ending in that office, yep. It's an air vent. Really. It would be a shame if you came to lack air because the wrong door happened to be tightly closed. Yes. I'm closing it with a floodgate because it is an extremely pretty floodgate, you can look at it while you are working. I can't wait until you order another ridiculously spacious bedroom again.
Have much fun.
Dear Urist McMilitary,
WILL YOU TRAIN THE **** UP.
Have fun, too.
Sincerely,
the mysterious presence allowing you all to live for an unknown reason.
Post by: Quietust on October 21, 2010, 03:18:08 pm
PS to the board: since .16 dwarfes ignore suspended walls and build from those places again .. how to circumvent .. its annoying to play that lottery till one dwarf gets that correct :(
Er, it still works just fine for me. Are you wanting your dwarf to stand on a tile that's diagonal from the build site (hint: it won't work) or a location in which there's another pending construction (which would cause him to simply prefer the default build position, which is probably the one you don't want)?
Post by: LealNightrunner on October 21, 2010, 04:46:46 pm
Advisable areas to construct a screw pump from:
-Solid ground
-Wooden flooring we constructed
-On top of sturdy walls
Inadvisable areas:
-From one level down in a rapidly flowing aquifer that sweeps into a large pit.
Fortunately you were without family/friends to mourn you and/or break furniture in your name.
Post by: Killing Time on October 21, 2010, 05:37:11 pm
When trying to catch an object moving perpendicular to you, say a goblin thief that has just stolen one of the fort's children, its advisable to aim for a point several steps ahead of that object. Or, failing that, run straight at it. NOT the place where it was ten seconds ago.
Thanks to you, the legendary armor smith is now running through the halls babbling and tearing her cloths off.
I'd kill you but considering the state of the fortress you'll probably die horribly anyway.
The Chief
Post by: jackrabbitslim on October 21, 2010, 08:23:02 pm
There are 21 of you with no jobs. PICK UP THE DAMN MECHANISMS I ORDERED YOU TO DUMP! Its not even like its on another z level. You walk past them every time you gotta run your beer swilling foaming froth covered little beards to the stockpile to guzzle your own weight in "sewer brew".
Oh, and just food for thought, I have 4 giants and an ettin sitting in cages in the basement, just waiting for me to try trading them to the elves again. You all remember how well THAT went over last time. ;D
Post by: Tonic on October 22, 2010, 01:23:48 am
First, off, I want to thank you for promptly completing the gold statues that I ordered. You were very prompt. I've just got a few notes...
As I explained, these statues are to line the wagon-way to the Trade Depot, in order to impress the heathens with our grandeur and thus grease the wheels of trade with something than their rendered fat, as these affect profits--but I digress. The point is: gold statues, impress heathens, many wampum.
The first statue is... well, it's an elf striking down a human, isn't it? This is not going to instill a proper attitude in either elves or humans. The humans won't like it for obvious reasons, and the elves will go into the negotiations with confidence and pride, knowing that our very best statue is one depicting one of their number striking down some slobbery human.
What's next? Old Rakuth Drivegranite. And bats. He's surrounded by bats. He is looking terrified.
Really.
The dwarven god of mountains, striking a triumphant pose. Nice one, guys. Really. Why can't they all be like this?
The mayor of some other town being deposed? Okay, whatever. Nice detail work.
Okay, now this next one? Totally inappropriate, guys. Totally inappropriate. This is a statue of Sigun. Remember him? Of course you do. It's a statue of Sigun dying of dehydration.
Not cool, guys. Totally not cool.
But you know he was crazy, and I had to lock him in his room.
And finally... a statue of some mussels.
Yeah. We need a more exciting fort. I get it.
Now get down to Sub-Level D15 to pull the Career Advancement lever. Just remember: one at a time, and no peeking!
Best Regards,
Lord Tonic
Post by: WrathNail on October 22, 2010, 03:19:46 am
I understand you want to do your job. And I know you've been a little overworked lately.
But collecting your "clients" while the goblins are still arround does not fall under good business practice.
Best regards,
Your face-palming Overseer
Post by: Greiger on October 22, 2010, 09:13:14 am
I am greatly impressed. In the space of 3 days you slew both a dragon, and a forgotten beast by yourselves. I must admit I was worried for a moment when the red dragon began to fly over the wall to attack your location instead of attacking from the place the melee squads were stationed. But you handled it with skill and expertise I expect from the military of The Smear of Failure. Instead of running around in panic you dodged the dragonfire and countered with a well placed headshot. Bravo.
And then immediately after that you slew a forgotten beast that had arrived. Before the dragon's corpse had even hit the ground I sent you and the rest of the military to intercept it before it became an issue, and yet again you outshined the other squads by slaying it with a single bolt to the body.
But it is time for you to come inside now. I long ago ordered all squads to stand down. Yet you all still insist on hanging out in the cavern outside the undergate. Come inside so I can close the damn gate already. If you don't hurry there won't be anymore celebratory dragon steak left.
Regards,
The Administration.
Post by: Moosey on October 23, 2010, 12:10:59 am
A good squad name should evoke mental images of STRONG, ANGRY DWARVES with DANGEROUS POINTY METAL. You know, things like:
The Furious Hammers
The Vengeful Decapitators
Or, you could use squad names that make the people feel safe under your protection, like:
The Impenetrable Line
The Towers of Justice
Those were just off the top of my head. Contrast them against these actual squad names you have proposed:
The Friendly Mirrors
The Tin Spears
The Frilly Bodices
The Crews of Painting
Gloved Neutrality
The Hairy Sacks
Eternally disappointed,
- Your supreme overlord
(okay, that last one was pretty good)
Post by: TheeBaconman on October 23, 2010, 12:21:30 am
Please, please. Fix that guy who has been in that hospital for many months.
He is horribly broken in many parts of his body, his lung is torn open, he can't sleep, and he might become dehydrated soon. Yes I can see he has 1 suture, but I've watched his progress, or rather no progress, for many months.
You fixed the wood burner and another civilian, why can't you fix the veteran sword guy? 11 kills he has, 11 kills!!! And he is more experienced than all the other rookies, fix him!
Regards,
Your disappointed overlord
Post by: Samuel on October 23, 2010, 01:38:34 am
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is I have no idea what you want for your little project, and those little doodles you're making aren't helping. The good news is you're expendable! When you go crazy, try not to flash the children to much, Okay?
Signed,
Your Overseer
Dear Elf Merchants,
Welcome to BronzeNeutral! Please go right ahead and start unloading your goods. Ignore the sound of levers being pulled. And the sound of rushing water.
Signed,
Your Trustworthy Trade Partner!
Post by: zarmazarma on October 23, 2010, 02:00:53 am
For the love of adamantine, there are other rocks in the fortress. While I thought it was funny, your wife was very displeased by your recent using of your baby as a flotation device to traverse a flow of magma.
Thanks, Zarma
Post by: jackrabbitslim on October 23, 2010, 02:19:44 am
The trade wagon full of (hopefully) steel bars and super duper sets of steel armor has been sitting under the depot for several months now. I realize you are all probably very frightened of the Goblin siege with 3 pages full of Giant Olms and Trolls and other unsavory types, but please be reminded that they ARE in fact, all very much dead now. Yes, I realize one of the trolls snuck past the guards, and killed Urist McParalyzed in the hospital, and I realize he broke one of the stills, but that is in fact no reason to completely disregard my standing orders of "Hey, whoever feels like it, go trade". Need I remind you that our legenday Sword Dwarf racked up 15 kills during the siege? Well, What he did to the gobbos is nothing compared to the hell I'm prepared to unleash on every one of you from the new Magma Fall I installed in the roof today.
With my sincere regards
Your God
Post by: S31-Syntax on October 23, 2010, 03:13:26 am
It is recommended that you read the book titled "How to beat criminals: The non-lethal guide to non-lethal punishment".
I understand that you are just doing your job, and your to-do list includes 20 instances of "Beat Urist McValuableCraftdwarf for violating an export ban that was issued as the caravan was leaving with the banned materials", but please please PLEASE stop KILLING the valuable craftdwarfs! Its not good for profits!
Dear Urist McMayor,
STOP ORDERING CAPITAL PUNISHMENT ON EVERY DWARF THAT TOUCHED THE DAMN BONE BRACELETS YOU BANNED! Good FREAKING GAWD.
P.S. For the both of you, i have ordered the construction of 2 very nice bedrooms up atop that lovely tower. Ignore the support on the way up, its for decoration.
Post by: Samuel on October 23, 2010, 03:50:18 am
When Urist McStrangeMood needed silk cloth and we, alas, had none, I ordered a staircase dug into the earth until we found a cavern so we could get him his stuff. Compare that with my lack of interest in finding your ever-so-precious native aluminum. There are a few reasons for this: 1) Urist McStrangeMood is a contributing member of the fortress, 2) I knew he was making something awesome, and 3) You're kind of a dick. In support of number 3, I'll ask you to recall what you did when you're native aluminum furniture wasn't built for you. You chose somebody at complete random and had him beaten to death. That was an over-reaction on your part, do you agree? Now, when you sent out the same mandate, you'll notice I spent even less time searching for the metal. In response, you once again selected somebody, this time an innocent woman, and sent a thug to her room to break her bones. I had to turn her room into a hospital because she couldn't drag herself down the hallway to the main hospital.
What I'm trying to explain here is that I want your death to be as karmic as possible. I can't have my squad attack you because they fear your empty, meaningless authority. I hope a pile of rocks falling on your head from several z-levels up while you sleep will adequetely simulate your senselessly violent justice. With luck, before dying, you'll consider all the time you spent griping that the woman you had beaten to a pulp got off lightly.
Yours,
Samuel
Post by: ZergSpartan on October 23, 2010, 04:04:46 am
We don't have any shells, we live in a desert, shut up and deal with it.
I no longer care that the voices in your head demand shells, go crazy for all I care, my military needs the practice.
-love, The Overseer
Dear Urist McHauler,
What the hell man? Its been a year since Urist McClothier went crazy and killed those two dogs, three cats, then was gunned down by the military. Those bodies are still rotting in the middle of the dining hall. What really confuses me is that you took his vomit covered socks but didnt dump his body. Your a sick dwarf.
-love, The Overseer
Dear Urist McFarmer,
How the hell did a VULTURE get into the farming area?! Its 15 Z-levels down a gauntlet of traps and doors! No, the military is busy at the moment, so deal with it. I will be locking you in there with it until one of you is dead, I dont care who.
-love, The Overseer
Dear Urist McLyemaker(s),
Report to magma room B, that is all.
-love, the Overseer
Dear Urist McNoble,
There are 3 Hydras left in the world, stop demanding crafts made from their bones.
Continuing this trend will mean your quarters be moved to Magma room B.
-love, the Overseer
Dear Urist McMiner,
Please finish digging out Magma room A, the baroness has finished cooling and is ready to be mounted in the main hall.
-love, the Overseer
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
I know there is no fish in the sothern swamps? know why? WE LIVE IN A DESERT. I have disabled the fishing task from you and yet you still pester me about this. Keep it up and I'll make you a lye maker.
-love, the Overseer
Post by: Musashi on October 23, 2010, 04:49:31 am
thanks for standing still outside while another wave of goblins invaded us. Saved me the trouble of digging the last channels to what is now your successor's office. After all, you did deserve that proper burial for distracting the enemy while I was setting up the last stuff, and getting yourself killed fast enough. See you in hell, bitch. Or not.
Your slightly happier overseer
Post by: Drakeero on October 23, 2010, 07:27:15 pm
Going out past the drawbridge into the wilderness to stand looking over the cliff for days on end will not be tolerated. Two of you have been guilty of this and I am surprised the hordes of skeletons and zombies have not yet ripped them to shreds. However, they are lurking out their and remain a threat. As such, anyone found wandering outside without a job will be temporarily assigned a burrow to report to IMMEDIATELY. Failure to comply will result in your sorry asses be left outside the protective moat to fend for yourselves even if you are legendary in something useful. You will just have to wait for a caravan or a useful immigrant wave.
That is all.
[btw, anyone know why a dwarf would simply run off from hauling, cross over a raising bridge, run up a nearby ledge, and stand on the edge staring at the chain of haulers as they run back and forth? He wasn't "on break" he just had "no job" for a really long time. I closed the bridge on him and he still didn't move.]
Post by: Namfuak on October 23, 2010, 08:43:46 pm
As hilarious as the company name "The Praised Busts" is, I feel that it should probably changed to something more masculine. Possibly "The Praised Balls?"
Your overlord,
Urist McNamfuak
Post by: plarf on October 23, 2010, 10:57:56 pm
Post by: ImaDwarf on October 24, 2010, 12:31:30 am
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
Post by: Vehudur on October 24, 2010, 12:36:59 am
Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.
Post by: ImaDwarf on October 24, 2010, 12:38:00 am
I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.
Post by: Vehudur on October 24, 2010, 12:41:47 am
war... what? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FlatWhat) ok. I'll take your word for it.I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.
Post by: ImaDwarf on October 24, 2010, 12:42:42 am
I modded in war camels...DON'T JUDGE ME!war... what? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FlatWhat) ok. I'll take your word for it.I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.
Post by: ElthMysterius on October 25, 2010, 12:32:04 pm
You're wearing a full set of steel armour. You have a steel shield and a steel warhammer. You are practically a fucking tank. Now tell me how in the clownite-encrusted hell did that goblin snatcher with the iron dagger managed to stab you in the leg and run off, leaving you to run towards the hospital blubbering like a baby?
What? You want the chief medical dwarf to kiss it better? Put a +dog leather bandaid+ on it encrusted with images of cats?
That goblin should've been a red smear the instant you tripped over him and you know it.
Sincerely (and angrily),
The Management
Post by: Samuel on October 25, 2010, 03:14:29 pm
I'm not even going to ask exactly how you managed to make a chain out of deer bone. I'm also not going to ask why you couldn't have studded it with even a single piece of the metric fuckload of gold we've mined out recently. I'm just gonna ask that the next time you claim one of our workshops, you put your time and effort into something a little more valuable. Or useful. Or interesting.
Signed,
Your Overlord
P.S. Starving to death while doodling you're little quarries and stacks of cloth would also be acceptable.
Post by: bungler on October 25, 2010, 03:47:12 pm
After the tragic loss of it's mother, a lone baby struggled through the fortress trying to get it's needs met. Glancing over the poor tyke's relationships, I find you are listed as the biological father. I also witnessed this starving, thirsty baby crawl right past your ass while you were hanging out in the meeting zone "No Job"ing. You donated your sperm (seemingly the only useful part of you) but you can't spare a second of your precious time to raise your offspring?! I have the right mind to send you into the lava pit, but I'm sure your loss would probably affect the moods of the rest of your illegitimate children...
Think before you skeet.
Overlord
Post by: Musashi on October 25, 2010, 07:32:40 pm
I know that you are "on break" despite having absolutely nothing to do, but does that mean you have to stand still, waiting for the goblins of the current siege to turn you into a pin cushion? You're not even trying to get away. Alright, while they're shooting at you, they can't see nor dodge my own hunter headshotting them professionally, but still. If you're suicidal, just faint on top of a trap. Like that legendary spearwarf I just lost while you were somehow still alive. Or cause your very own cavein on top of the garbage pit (my fortress seems to attract caveins). Or... look, all you can do is suture (and still, you're hardly better at it than anyone else) and do some social stuff (not enough to be a proper, useless noble).
Start practicing on yourself, try to hit legendary before I come back to you, and I might consider letting you live.
The overseer who suspects Dwarf Fortress will crash any second now anyway, cancelling yet again the whole siege
Post by: zarmazarma on October 25, 2010, 09:29:47 pm
Stairs are among my less complicated, however evil, creations. You should know how to use them. Why are you so confused?
Signed, Armok
Post by: Nobak on October 25, 2010, 09:32:35 pm
Yes, I know that lone remaining troll knocked you two stories down into the dry moat. Yes, I know breaking a leg, an arm and a foot all at once is painful and very much a concern.
But did you really have to leave your similarly injured baby in the moat?
Dear Urist McEveryone,
I know you have things to do and lives to live. But would it really have killed one of you to get that 2-month-old baby from the moat instead of letting him crawl his way out of the moat, back around the walls, through the goblin corpses and back inside with two broken legs?
Just deal with any forthcoming dangers on your own. I'm going to gen a new world that hasn't been tainted by your stupidity.
Sincerely,
The former overseer of Gillgame.
Post by: Eugenitor on October 25, 2010, 09:35:37 pm
STOP BEING SO DAMN SCARED OF THE FORGOTTEN BEAST BEHIND THE FORTIFICATIONS. IT CAN'T HURT YOU FROM THERE.
Sincerely,
Your VERY FRUSTRATED overlord.
Can we have "No, seriously, DO IT ANYWAY" in this game yet?
Post by: Drakeero on October 25, 2010, 09:42:06 pm
Dear Everyone:
STOP BEING SO DAMN SCARED OF THE FORGOTTEN BEAST BEHIND THE FORTIFICATIONS. IT CAN'T HURT YOU FROM THERE.
Sincerely,
Your VERY FRUSTRATED overlord.
Can we have "No, seriously, DO IT ANYWAY" in this game yet?
You mean like telling them to mine through damp or warm stone after the alert?
Post by: Eugenitor on October 25, 2010, 09:43:44 pm
Post by: JujuBubu on October 26, 2010, 03:25:52 am
I am well aware that you really like mountains.
I kept this in mind when I chose the embark site.
50z levels of mountain, including magma and flux stone, surrounded by flat land with lots of trees to cut.
Please explain to me why you dragged your equipment high up on said mountain, wrecking the wagon
on the way, so all of you could stand on a 2x2 peak.
I hope you enjoid the sight, now haul all that crap back down again,
sincerely,
your inner voice of reason
Post by: Spaghetti7 on October 26, 2010, 07:05:39 am
"Because you felt like it" is not a valid excuse for killing all wildlife around the fortress and smearing everything in blood.
We have also had numerous complaints about the quality and length of your working hours. Please meet me in the dungeons.
Yours sincerely,
Hammerer.
Post by: Vorthon on October 26, 2010, 08:01:46 am
While I must congratulate you on creating an artifact weapon, I would have preferred it if you had created a warhammer instead of a mace. I know it may seem rather arrogant of me, but seeing as the only decoration on the thing was a depiction of the deity of dance, it would have been more thematically appropriate if you had created a warhammer. Anyways, once we get an isolation chamber built, you can spend the rest of your days producing weapons for the glory of the fortress. Don't worry, we'll remember to drop you some food and booze every once in a while...
Signed, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.
(I wanted it to be a warhammer so I could create a squad called 'hammertime' led by a hammerdwarf wielding it. I'll upload a pic when I get the chance.)
Post by: Lord Vetinari on October 26, 2010, 09:27:13 am
You've been a good mayor and a good broker for the past five years. Hard worker, always on duty, a weird passion for hatch covers which makes you a good and easily satisfied noble, unlike your annoying predecessors.
So, why the hell did you decide to get laid and have a whole row of breaks, parties, sleep days and long drinks exactly in the only month that you were required to be diligent, that is, when that the mountainhome liason came to promote you to Baron?
Sincerely,
your once benevolent dictator.
Post by: Greiger on October 26, 2010, 09:34:24 am
That was some pretty spectacular failure there. Yes you are outfitted in iron. But it is all ☼ and ≡ iron. Maybe you don't know what that means, but it means it's good shit. We were fortunately blessed with both high level weapon and armorsmith migrants.
There was no reason for us to lose 9 out of 20 of you in an open field fight against 15 sword and axe goblins in no quality iron. One of the goblins got a title for Armok's sake. And it wasn't even an elite! You should be glad that the markssquad came to bail your tails out of the fire and broke the ambush.
Yes I said ambush. That wasn't even a real siege, think about that.
P.S. You are exempt from the above Vhisj Gleefulbanks. You performed above and beyond the call of duty by holding out alone against 7 of the invaders by yourself saving the rest of your incompetent squad as well as the lancer squad until the marksquad rained death upon he enemy, you performed excellently. Despite your short and thin and generally non intimidating size you not only held out alone and didn't get a scratch, you even wounded a number of them. Your profile says you have leadership skills and constantly strive for excellence. Congratulations on your promotion to Militia Captain. May you perform better than your late predecessor.
Sincerely,
The Administration.
Post by: Spaghetti7 on October 26, 2010, 11:54:24 am
I apoligize for impaling your kitten in my spikes, but it was neccesary for the wellbeing of the fortress.
Look, there's no need to get all sad about it, it was only a month old and you hardly knew it.
DON'T YOU DARE have a tantrum on me.
Yours annoyed,
The Overseer.
P.S. Come on, we seriously wounded an elf trader and his horse. Surely that makes it worth it?
Post by: Falc on October 26, 2010, 04:14:45 pm
Management is aware that we asked you to pull that lever without specifying what exactly would happen.
We do feel, however, that even under these extremely confusing circumstances, it was very very silly of you to cross the bridge that was right next to the lever.
You remember the bridge, the one that disappeared from under your feet?
Be glad it was a retracting bridge and that you only fell one z-level. Consider this your one and only warning.
Post by: Musashi on October 26, 2010, 04:58:42 pm
try making an artifact that is useful for once. I mean, something I can at least use in some way. Stop making earrings and other miscellaneous jewelery. Oh, I guess this splint is somewhat useful, but frankly, the only dorfs who'd even remotely needed something like that were both paraplegic. Try making something I can at least pretend I can interact with. I dunno, a chair, a statue, a bed, anything but goddamned accessories. You'd made two bone weapons the first times! And then you managed to make a leather shield, but honestly, it will never be as good as the metal shields I already have. Why did you stop creating weapons and started making perfect gems and shit? Building a sort of semi-legendary well to find some use for that chain was only acceptable because the 2 year-old kid made it.
No love,
the Overseer who won't otherwise risk letting anyone go berserk and ruin the pseudo-perfect harmony of the fortress
Post by: Ragingpantsless on October 26, 2010, 07:20:37 pm
Please stop going outside to go up to the volcano. I've intentionally sealed it in so you can only get to the top by going through the fortress. And dragging the cage makes your mistake all the more noticable, because you have to walk back down the mountain dragging it behind you.
Now do it right before I get creative.
Signed,
Overseer McNopants.
Post by: Adn88 on October 28, 2010, 03:55:06 pm
How do you die of thirst whilst drinking!
Post by: Greiger on October 28, 2010, 09:18:43 pm
You see those 130 horses, cows and chocobo in the room with you? They are your job. I'm sure you are aware of this, you have been locked in with them for a year.
Your only duty in this entire fortress is to occasionally butcher a few and throw the tasty bits down the chute, You can even keep some for yourself. We prepped the area with a nice bedroom and dining room, a butchers shop, access to the main garbage chute to the magma sea, and a stone statue of the god of writing looking confused (yea I don't know either, ask the mason). You are actually a bit better off than the average resident. Everyone else has to use the communal dining room and dorms.
So why did you butcher 3 animals as ordered, but instead of sorting out the meaty bits, decide to go on break? That miasma cloud you are complaining about is your own damn fault.
The Administration.
Post by: Olith McHuman on October 29, 2010, 02:04:55 am
Please do not stand on top of your parents while they are trying to work.
Management
ps. Cats, this goes for you too.
Post by: NewSheoth on October 29, 2010, 09:43:05 am
Please GET THE FUCK OUT of the drained murky pool. Yes I know it's hot here, and it's so cool down there, but the next time you do it, I won't dig you out an exit like I did LAST TWO FUCKING TIMES!
Cheers,
Overseer
Post by: Drakeero on October 29, 2010, 01:10:02 pm
Dear Children of the Fort:
Please do not stand on top of your parents while they are trying to work.
Management
ps. Cats, this goes for you too.
Dear Urist McBabyfactory,
Somehow you've managed to have 3, or what 4 now children? You have a baby in each arm and two kids trailing around behind you wherever you go. Please, keep your legs closed for a few years. We already have 17 anklebiters running around the fortress in 5 years.
Post by: ZergSpartan on October 29, 2010, 01:43:45 pm
I like to think of myself as a pro-active and forward thinking overbeing by letting men, women, and even non-dwarfs serve side by side in our pround military. What confuses me is that when you enter the danger room with your squad, and the lever pulled, THEN AND ONLY THEN is when you have your child! Did you not see the +Dwarf Baby Blood+ on the walls?! Because yaknow, 4 babies have already died in there! Did you think, "Oh hey, repeatedly stabbing spikes coated in +Dwarf Baby Blood+, what a great place to have a baby!"
Until further notice you will have 2 armed guards and multiple warbeasts following you in case of tantrum.
Love, the Overseer.
Post by: celem on October 29, 2010, 01:56:24 pm
Yer Da's in the militia aye? Well just since you grew up a bit and no longer haunt yer Ma is no reason to be followin him instead. The next time you black out in the danger room Urist McMayor might be in a meeting rather than sleeping on the Lever, and there where do I stand? Give it 5 more years and get back to me about military service.
Manager
P.S - Me aide tells me yer already an Adequate Fighter and Dodger? Hmmm, limit yerself to once every 6 months please, and notify the Doc on yer way in. I'll knock ye up a candy robe ASAP.
Post by: Killing Time on October 29, 2010, 02:17:16 pm
Move your dog. Or kill it. At least push its pus ridden necrotic body off of you so I can drop the ceiling on it.
Seriously guy, it's filling the hospital with more miasma than a pile month old goblin corpses could ever hope to.
Thanks,
The Chief
PS There is more than one bed in the hospital. USE THEM. There is no reason you should be sharing a bed with Parley and Victoria (as well as your rotting dog). The mental image is unpleasant.
Post by: The Merchant Of Menace on October 29, 2010, 02:59:05 pm
Regards. What's left of The Overseer.
Post by: Akura on October 29, 2010, 03:23:31 pm
Dear UristMcMilitaryMom,Dwarven C-section?
I like to think of myself as a pro-active and forward thinking overbeing by letting men, women, and even non-dwarfs serve side by side in our pround military. What confuses me is that when you enter the danger room with your squad, and the lever pulled, THEN AND ONLY THEN is when you have your child! Did you not see the +Dwarf Baby Blood+ on the walls?! Because yaknow, 4 babies have already died in there! Did you think, "Oh hey, repeatedly stabbing spikes coated in +Dwarf Baby Blood+, what a great place to have a baby!"
Until further notice you will have 2 armed guards and multiple warbeasts following you in case of tantrum.
Love, the Overseer.
Post by: Uzu Bash on October 29, 2010, 03:49:18 pm
The next one of you to refuse to go to the hospital and instead puke all the way down my obsidian road will wear vomit in their beards until death.
Dear Dr. Urist, M.D.:
No job, you say? No job? I recall you having a grand total of one job to do. Now your colleage has gone to a party, and I can excuse him even though he should've forseen the need for him before committing to the engagement for the simple reason that he does all your goddamn work for you the rest of the time! Now get to those soldiers in your ward or I'll have the healthy ones jackboot your teeth down your throat in front of your children!
Post by: Musashi on October 30, 2010, 01:45:25 pm
you seem to have an unhealthy passion for maces. First, you forbid their exportation, which didn't change a damn thing anyway because no merchant showed up during that mandate. Then you ordered to have maces made. I spent precious ore that could be put to much better use to make these, knowing no one in my army would ever equip these. I fulfilled your request a bit before the deadline, that was fine.
What do you ask for next?
EVEN MORE ARMOKFORSAKEN MACES.
Just what the hell do you plan to do with all these maces?!
...
... wait, actually, I don't think I want to know, after all.
Signed,
your overseer.
P.S. : watch your office.
Post by: Gr33kjester on October 30, 2010, 04:11:36 pm
Please remember that when you try to mine into a MAGMA pipe, don't mine it, then fall asleep, thank Armok that Comrade 4 (Urist McWoodworker) picked you up, you are very very lucky, don't fail me again...
On the brighter side, Comrade 4 (Urist McWoodworker) you will get a better bedroom and dining room for your selfless actions,
Yours dictated,
Comrade No 1
Post by: AngleWyrm on October 30, 2010, 04:31:24 pm
Post by: NewSheoth on October 30, 2010, 04:34:59 pm
Post by: Mantonio on October 30, 2010, 05:30:44 pm
What do you mean, export of toys prohibited? Toys are ALL we export!
Fine, whatever. You obviously know best. To show our appreciation, we've left a little surprise in your room. Hope you enjoy it!
- The Manager
Post by: Gr33kjester on October 30, 2010, 05:52:55 pm
And thus ends the communist ideal of equality.Yes, but, he was instantly killed by an "unfortunate event"
Post by: Musashi on October 30, 2010, 05:59:21 pm
I believe the joke was that, by getting now treated differently, your dorfs didn't benefit the communist ideal of equality anymore.And thus ends the communist ideal of equality.Yes, but, he was instantly killed by an "unfortunate event"
Or maybe I don't know enough about communism?
EDIT: huh, sorry, you changed your post right before I quoted D:
Post by: Gr33kjester on October 30, 2010, 06:01:47 pm
Sorry, i got something wrong, have some sewer VODKA as a sorry presentI believe the joke was that, by getting now treated differently, your dorfs didn't benefit the communist ideal of equality anymore.And thus ends the communist ideal of equality.Yes, but, he was instantly killed by an "unfortunate event"
Or maybe I don't know enough about communism?
EDIT: huh, sorry, you changed your post right before I quoted D:
Post by: Musashi on October 30, 2010, 06:10:31 pm
Back on topic:
Dear Urist McDiagnoser (ALL OF YOU DOCTORS IN FACT),
Will you stop drinking and take a look at last at Urist McUnluckyWorker who had her head fractured by a friggin' tile that magically detached 10 z-levels right above her head last month?
No thanks,
Your overseer who is seriously considering assigning you an office.
Post by: NewSheoth on October 30, 2010, 06:13:12 pm
STOP THE FUCK DECONSTRUCTING FLOORS HOLDING OTHER FLOORS WITH YOUR FELLOW DWARVES ON THEM.
Signed,
The very ticked off Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on October 30, 2010, 06:15:39 pm
Please stop receiving leg/back injuries, 3 permanently crippled dorfs in a fortress of 9 with 4 available workers left over is more than enough.
Also, we have a nearly empty refuse stockpile, please use it more often. I Won't let you dig rooms for yourselves until I see no more important tasks to be completed. I'm also instructing the citizen locked away in his own private mansion not to build anything else for you for now.
Your god,
Armok
Post by: Eric Blank on October 30, 2010, 06:18:08 pm
Dear EVERYONE,
STOP THE FUCK DECONSTRUCTING FLOORS HOLDING OTHER FLOORS WITH YOUR FELLOW DWARVES ON THEM.
Signed,
The very ticked off Overseer
This can be prevented by designating only one row of floors be deconstructed at any given time. Keep in mind that dwarves prefer to deconstruct a floor from the tile on it's left, so deconstruct things from right to left only. This goes for channeling and construction designations as well.
Post by: NewSheoth on October 30, 2010, 06:20:05 pm
This can be prevented by designating only one row of floors be deconstructed at any given time. Keep in mind that dwarves prefer to deconstruct a floor from the tile on it's left, so deconstruct things from right to left only. This goes for channeling and construction designations as well.
Yeah, I know. I just get impatient and designate, for example, 6 tiles. Some dwarf invariably gets dropped by his 'friends'.
Post by: Raufgar on October 31, 2010, 12:01:07 am
Re: Strange odors from Communal Well
We apologize for the less than perfect water that you occasionally partake between your endless booze intake. The above mentioned odor and strange aftertaste is Eu de PuppyCorpseTM, which was recently added due to the unfortunate result of 4 puppies wandering into our water storage plant during a routine maintenance. By some unlucky chance, 2 out of the 4 puppies survived their 4 z-level fall through our well gates into our patented Dwarf Relocation Objective With Noble Into New Gains, or the D.R.O.W.N.I.N.G.TM system/ Main Water Storage Reservoir, likely due to landing in water and on their siblings' corpses. They managed to stay alive, with broken legs, in a localized cloud of miasma, surrounded on all sides by water, through 2 seasons, until the Spring thaw finally ended their suffering (by drowning).
As we are unable to provide maintenance of said D.R.O.W.N.I.N.G.TM system until the first usage of it, due to certain mitigating factors (your fellow nobles are not demanding impossible items yet, but your appointed Mayor seems to be coming quite close, so all attempts to "speed up" said timeframe will be subtly encouraged), please limit your consumption and distribution of said water to all infants and wounded personnel within this fort, since the former have not developed an adult dwarf's refined sense of taste yet and the latter have no choice.
P.S. Washing one's self at the communal well is NOT encouraged in the wake of this debacle, as some of said dirt (and puke, and blood, and guts, etc.) has found its way into the system as well (how exactly I do not want to know, I suspect some highly recalcitrant & uncaring people), one can see the remains floating about during the first maintenance.
Yours Sincerely,
Your (fairly nauseated) Overseer.
Post by: Uzu Bash on October 31, 2010, 02:30:03 pm
I can be understanding about your children leaving their clothes laying around, but you, you're a grown dwarf and - hey, I'm trying to build a road over here, so could you please pick up your pants! And you, soldier, you have less excuse. You've got the requisition room and your personal locker, so why are my barracks still a mess?!
Oh, are you done mining, Count? Just put that pick anywhere, what a fantastic example you make for the rest of them...
Your Overseer (not your goddamn mother -- hey! don't make me repeat myself, mister!)
Post by: Spaghetti7 on October 31, 2010, 04:18:11 pm
Yes, I do acknowledge that the sheriff can punch your brain in through your face in one hit, but please get back to work gathering FOOD. It's your own fault you are dying.
Also, tiddles is long gone. Please stop complaining.
Ruler
Post by: NewSheoth on October 31, 2010, 04:31:49 pm
Re: Magma Industry Hall Excavation
STOP THE FUCK RUNNING TO ME TO TELL THAT THE ROCK IS WARM!! WE'RE RIGHT OVER THE MAGMA SEA, IT WOULD'VE BEEN STRANGE IF IT WASN'T WARM!! SHUT UP AND DIG, EVERYTHING'S CHECKED AND FINE!!
Signed,
Still very ticked off Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 31, 2010, 04:57:53 pm
I know that you don't have a battleaxe. Is it so hard, however, to cut down a tree with a bigger axe? I know you can hold it; I saw you with it. Or maybe that was [insert goblin word for dagger here], but you'd get precedence; I'd give my military crossbows if I didn't have enough axes.
Sincerely,
Someone who wants more than three wood until we strike metal
Post by: Herbiie on October 31, 2010, 05:51:28 pm
It has come to my attention that there is a distinct lack of urgency when there is a siege to man the walls. When the alarm bell starts ringing - Do not go to bed. Do not start a party. Get on the wall, and earn your pay.
Yours,
Garrison Commander
Post by: nordak on October 31, 2010, 06:09:32 pm
I do not appreciate the repeated delays in reaching the lava. Your sole purpose is to harvest lava to be used in my glory, further delays will result in you all being sacrificed in said lava.
To your death
Armok
Post by: dogstile on October 31, 2010, 08:13:15 pm
Dear Urist McOtherMayor,
you seem to have an unhealthy passion for maces. First, you forbid their exportation, which didn't change a damn thing anyway because no merchant showed up during that mandate. Then you ordered to have maces made. I spent precious ore that could be put to much better use to make these, knowing no one in my army would ever equip these. I fulfilled your request a bit before the deadline, that was fine.
What do you ask for next?
EVEN MORE ARMOKFORSAKEN MACES.
Just what the hell do you plan to do with all these maces?!
...
... wait, actually, I don't think I want to know, after all.
Signed,
your overseer.
P.S. : watch your office.
You lucky git. My Mayor keeps demanding rings and my other nobles all want items out of metals I DON'T HAVE.
I would kill for a noble that only wanted maces
Post by: Zidane on October 31, 2010, 08:41:46 pm
It has come to my attention that you lost an arm whilst replacing a cage trap. Normally this should not happen, since most of those traps do not even have menacing spikes of oak. I would feel sorry but I don't, do you wish to know why? The reason why, is that you chose to replace a cage, during a siege, a cage that several goblin lashers were milling around. Unless you didn't get the memo, lashers are the anti-thesis of safety, this has been demonstration before.
Also, stop complaining about the Goblin lasher, he's in a cage, if you continue you shall feel his whip again.
Your overseer,
Urist McMayor.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on October 31, 2010, 09:53:12 pm
Congratulations on the birth your most recent runt. Hoever, due to the overpopulation of children that you and your fellow baby factories continue to cause, all children in the fort shall now be drafted on their first birthday. Do not worry! We shall train them all well, and if they survive to become adults they shall be allowed to leave the military and lead normal lives. This will also cut down on snatcher incidences.
Thanks for your understanding,
Your invisible overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 31, 2010, 09:58:41 pm
Urist McDoctor,pretend he's a noble.
I understand, sometimes people get ideas that they just have to bring to life. And at times like that, it's easy to get excited. But when you are a doctor, and you are treating an axedwarf who was bitten by a gorilla and is bleeding from the liver, (a very important organ for dwarves) I do not care whether or not you are an armorsmith, making that artifact iron shield can wait!
I nicknamed that doctor "House". It sort of fits, since his only good medical skill is Diagnosticism... Now I just need to injure his leg somehow... ::)
Post by: Lord Dakoth on November 01, 2010, 02:24:59 am
We have had complaints about your pet cats. Neighbors have report a "massive, incestuous feline tribe."
Please take all means necessary to contain your animals. Note the enclosed pruning shears.
Post by: Musashi on November 01, 2010, 04:52:50 am
You got a point. However, in the meanwhile, she's ordered to have even more maces done, and the sheer fact it's maces again drives me crazy.Dear Urist McOtherMayor,
you seem to have an unhealthy passion for maces. First, you forbid their exportation, which didn't change a damn thing anyway because no merchant showed up during that mandate. Then you ordered to have maces made. I spent precious ore that could be put to much better use to make these, knowing no one in my army would ever equip these. I fulfilled your request a bit before the deadline, that was fine.
What do you ask for next?
EVEN MORE ARMOKFORSAKEN MACES.
Just what the hell do you plan to do with all these maces?!
...
... wait, actually, I don't think I want to know, after all.
Signed,
your overseer.
P.S. : watch your office.
You lucky git. My Mayor keeps demanding rings and my other nobles all want items out of metals I DON'T HAVE.
I would kill for a noble that only wanted maces
Post by: Urist McTaverish on November 01, 2010, 04:56:48 pm
Puts some pants on!
Yours
The invisible overseer
Post by: Greiger on November 01, 2010, 06:40:02 pm
I understand your desire to store your owned things. I really do. If I did not I would not have placed cabinets in all the private apartments.
But please stop spamming my log with cancellations saying that you can't reach something you claim to own. Or at least tell me what the hell you are trying to get. So I can consider a project to make it accessible. I have checked EVERY SINGLE INACCESSIBLE ITEM ON THE MAP I KNOW OF. None of them have your name on them. None of the bloated goblin corpses and clothes in the moat, none of the water scattered discarded clothes in the cavern, and none of the items that were accidentally bridgeapaulted to the top of the walls. None of it lists as being owned by you.
The militia captain has his left hand and wing that got bitten off during the forgotten beast attack sealed outside in the caverns. And look at him, he couldn't care less!
I am seriously considering capital punishment. You know unlike many others I loathe intentional murder of my followers. If you don't stop complaining about your missing sock, or whatever the hell it is, I will build an execution chamber just for you.
The Administration.
Post by: dragonshardz on November 01, 2010, 06:50:39 pm
...his left hand and wing...
What kind of dwarf has a wing?
Post by: Greiger on November 01, 2010, 06:53:12 pm
...They are really short compared to dragons...
Post by: Samuel on November 01, 2010, 11:02:47 pm
I'm running out of cages, and my military is aching for some action. Can you please try, just try to avoid the traps?
Signed,
A bemused Dwarf Overlord
Post by: Lord Dakoth on November 02, 2010, 12:28:14 am
Please leave the Bronze Colossus in the cage when moving it.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on November 02, 2010, 12:45:39 am
YOU HAVE ALL THE CATS IN THE FORT! (47) Fortunately, I just finished your own wing of the fort for you, so you and your cats can live together for the rest of your lives, which, if my calculations are correct will be just a few more days.
P.S. Ignore the sound of rushing water.
Yours
Your pissed-off overseer
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 02, 2010, 11:13:08 am
You live like lords here. You have the finest quarters. Legendary d-facs manned by a Master Chef (yes, please applause, he does a hell of a job.) You go into battle with nothing but the finest gear to defend your life and slay your enemies. You have no reason for a foul mood.
Now I understand temper issues. I've got them, and many of my finest warriors have had them. Legends who are here with you right now.
But you've crossed the line when you kill a civilian. Especially with an issued weapon. If you ever strike a civilian while armed, I'm going to dedicate my attention to ensuring that your life will be short but miserable.
That is all. Dismissed!
Post by: dmgpurity on November 02, 2010, 12:16:42 pm
Dont move.
-Yours Truly,
the Catapult Operator
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 02, 2010, 01:22:42 pm
This isn't a bitch session, though this is the thread for it, I should take the time to pass out praises. Some of you do me proud. You rock in every sense of the word. No one better dare fuck with you.
Your grateful Overseer
Post by: Samuel on November 02, 2010, 08:02:20 pm
Well, this is awkward. Guess I kinda have to take the blame for this one. I'm sorry you accidentally had a floor built over you while you were in the hole. I'm sorry you had to tear down the floor yourself to get out. I'm sorry I rebuilt the floor when you wouldn't leave, assuming you were just being a douche. I'm sorry for leaving you in there until you got thirsty in hopes of getting you to move. Sorry I didn't notice there was no downward stairway on the surface, preventing you from escaping. To make it up to you, I'll have the walls and floor of your room engraved. Please don't complain if you end up with a bunch of pictures of some guy taming eagles.
Signed,
Your Facepalming Overlord
Post by: Lielac on November 03, 2010, 06:51:33 pm
Please report to Lever #34 immediately.
P.S. Don't worry about the randomly locking doors, a trained technician will be along shortly to fix the issue.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on November 03, 2010, 07:12:44 pm
While I understand that whatever vision has filled you head may be of the utmost importance, I regret to inform you that the entire workshop level has been flooded with magma after your father had a tantrum and pulled the entire wall's worth of levers. And as we are busy tending to the dozen and a half wounded or so, we will not have time to build an entire array of shops for hoping to stumble across the correct one. Besides, you're probable going to build an oak barrel encrusted with oak of something like that.
From,
The Administrator
Dear Urist McPossesedChild,
While not having a workshop for your unimaginable creation may be heartbreaking for you, could you at least loiter somewhere besides the 1 tile wide evacuation hallway? Thanks to you we have lost 6 fine dwarves as rescue workers attempted to crawl over you to reach the area. As such, I will not have any regrets when the tunnel is sealed with you still in it.
From,
The Administrator
Dear Urist McMother,
No I don't care your son and husband are dead, they were both dicks. I hope when you jump off that cliff you survive the impact and bleed out slowly. It's the least you can do to amend for the 30 deaths your husband and son caused.
Love,
The Administrator
Post by: Killing Time on November 04, 2010, 03:36:15 am
The stockpile next to the millstone has whip vine enabled for a reason. It's the same reason whip vine has been forbidden in all the other stockpiles. This reason is that that when some douchebag decides it's a good idea to store the vine in some random stockpile in the depths of the fortress, Peg is forced to run 400 squares in order to make us that lovely flour.
It's just common sense to store the shit in the closer stockpile, even if it wasn't forbidden from the other ones. From now on any dwarf seen going down stairs with whip vine in hand will be locked in the cells to starve. This policy will remain in effect until either a stack of whip vine pancakes appears on my desk or we run out of dwarves.
Captain Abdul Skywheels the Pulley of Summits
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 05, 2010, 12:27:19 pm
You could be doing something fruitful instead of digging yourself out of the walls you yourself built. Again.
Post by: TolyK on November 05, 2010, 12:55:52 pm
I know which lever I told you to pull. Now move your ass over there and pull the damn lever!
Sincerely,
<Doctor, you are wanted on the red phone>
(Oh shit...)
Post by: Musashi on November 05, 2010, 12:56:13 pm
for fuck's sake, stop breeding. You're not even depressed whenever one of your extremely weak, dumb (or both!) child dies because you have so many of them and have ADD. I'm pretty sure I care more for them than you do.
Are you cousins or something? I swear, for every positive physical trait one of your kid has, they are absurdly weak in all other ways, not to count those who don't even have any quality. No, seriously, you don't bring anything useful nor to my fortress, nor to the gene pool of potential soldiers. You know, the guys who are there to ensure neither of you will get eaten by goblins. Or forgotten beasts. Or both.
You're all waste of perfectly good alcohol!
No love,
Your overseer who should make one of you a widow, it's not like you will notice anyway
Post by: Jordrake on November 05, 2010, 01:55:52 pm
If it's any consolation, you have my pity.
Your lord and master.
Post by: eue on November 05, 2010, 02:35:57 pm
Just grab some of the masterpiece meals our legendary cook keeps spitting out of his kitchen that happens to be in those barrels right next to you. I won't be spoon-feeding you anytime soon. There's no way I'm going cave exploring because you smelled some delicious tripe.
Post by: Gr33kjester on November 05, 2010, 03:35:47 pm
I've said this once, I'VE SAID THIS ONE MILLION (MARX) TIMES!
YOU CAN NOT HAVE SLADE DOORS, YOU GOT 20/35 OF YOUR CITIZENS KILLED BECAUSE OF THAT...
Now, comrade, go into Room 101, your new room is in there...
Yours
Comrade No 1
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 05, 2010, 04:29:31 pm
Only 1 barrel of dwarven ale out of 40 is in the room with the rotting, stinking, burning carcass, in the room absolutely furthest away from your suite, which has a barrel of dwarven ale parked for convenience. So...you just had to bring your guest the human law-giver all the way down there?
And Mr. Clearbowels, with a name like that you're probably still getting over the cruelty of grade school, so I don't need to give you any more hell.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on November 05, 2010, 04:32:31 pm
Dear Count ShitForBrains,
Only 1 barrel of dwarven ale out of 40 is in the room with the rotting, stinking, burning carcass, in the room absolutely furthest away from your suite, which has a barrel of dwarven ale parked for convenience. So...you just had to bring your guest the human law-giver all the way down there?
Dear Overseer
Subject: RE. Carcass
I was simply trying to impress upon my guest the need for good diplomatic relations, showing him what we do to people we don't like.
Count Shitforbrains
Post by: Samuel on November 05, 2010, 04:41:48 pm
Lemme explain a few things to you. That quantum artifact crossbow you claimed for yourself? we spent a lot of wood making that. Many dwarves had to go without beds for some time. Those wooden bolts I made? They were specifically for you to use with said crossbow. You being drafted to the military? Simply because I could no longer wait for you to get up off your ass and kill us some dinner. so, my question, I think is simple. When you were ordered to go kill that camel...
Why the fuck did you drop off the crossbow in the fucking weapon stockpile to go kill the fucking camel with your bare hands?!
But perhaps I'm being too harsh. After all, was I honestly expecting you to put the simplest bit of logic to use? Tell you what, if I specifically assign you the use of the crossbow in the military menu, and you actually use it to put some meat on the table, we can forget this ever happened. If the above does not occur, you will be chained down in the caverns, surrounded by cage traps, and used as Cave Crocodile bait.
Signed,
Your Relatively Lenient Overseer
Post by: Musashi on November 05, 2010, 05:17:30 pm
do your Armokdamned job. I swear I'll abandon you in the caverns where two venomous forgotten beasts lurk.
DO WHAT YOU ARE BEING PAID IN BEER FOR.
Love,
the overseer who seriously wished she didn't have to write letters every day
EDIT: follow-up to my previous letter:
There. Your friggin' nth kid got kidnapped. Serves you well. I love it when goblins help me do my job.
Post by: Greiger on November 05, 2010, 08:10:10 pm
I warned you. I was happy for a moment that you seemed to have forgotten about the mystery item you had insisted on storing. But today you decided to continue.
That is why you currently find yourself locked in the artifact vault. No, I would not try to claw your way out. The walls are solid iron. In fact I believe you constructed a couple blocks of it. At any rate as you have noticed the artifacts have temporarily been relocated so you can die without risk to the useless objects.
Yes I am aware this is not a very origonal or spectacular way to kill you, but as I mentioned in the previous letter to you, execution is not my thing, I haven't had the practice to develop a truly horrible death for you. If anybody asks, you died in an unfortunate re-walling accident. Rest assured, that the moment you stop breathing your corpse will be retrieved and placed in a coffin to not draw attention, and the diagnoser that will do the medical investigation is on my payroll. Can't have anyone suspecting foul play after all.
Enjoy your slow death.
The Administration.
P.S. I see you used the temporary drafting to place you in the artifact lockdown as an excuse to grab a waterskin full of water. Well played, peasant, well played. But you only delay the inevitable, you neglected the backpack of food. All your actions have done is change your fate from dehydration to starvation.
Post by: Samuel on November 06, 2010, 03:17:47 am
Okay... I will cede that you did indeed pick up the artifact crossbow after I assigned it. You even picked up ammo, of your own initiative. You don't know how happy that made me. And yes, you did in fact attack with the crossbow. So I just have one more little question.
Did it occur to you at any point to actually fire some of those arrows from the crossbow? rather than carry along while you swung about that very expensive and likely very fragile artifact like a club?
I'm afraid my patience is at an end. cage traps are being constructed to surround a 1-tile burrow occupied by you and only you. I figure if you're able to attack, a small miracle will happen and you might stun a forgotten beast while it stands on the trap, and more than make up for the trouble you've caused me with the ultimate in Sealed Evil In A Can. But I don't have high hopes for you.
Signed,
Your Overseer, sans patience.
PS you don't get to keep the crossbow.
Post by: JonBrant on November 06, 2010, 03:37:23 am
I understand that being broker is a terribly exhausting job; and that its stresses peak seven nanoseconds before you are asked to perform your job. I now realize that removing all other responsibilities in your life to allow you to focus on your calling was a drop in a bucket. The burden placed upon you has been too great and has gone unrewarded for far too long. In an attempt to make up it to you, I have left a gift of life altering proportions in your bedroom.
Sincerely,
Your humbled servant
P.S. Please ignore the extreme temperature of the door to your room.
Post by: Eugenitor on November 06, 2010, 06:38:13 am
The constructed well is not likely to contain any fish.
Post by: Greiger on November 06, 2010, 09:10:59 am
I understand that failure to produce a mandated item is a high crime. However Oosing is a lancer. He is military. He has nothing to do with the mayor's demands for nickel silver items that we cannot produce.
Also, did you have to haul him off to jail during a siege? Couldn't you have waited a little while?
The Administration
----------------------------------------
To the general public.
The death of the resident referred to as 'Peasant''s death has been ruled an unfortunate rewalling accident. The rumors of messages scrawled in blood all over the walls of the artifact storage chamber are just that, rumors. Them and what they allegedly say are never to be spoken of again.
In other news the artifact storage chamber has been temporarily deemed off limits. The large number of menacing spikes has been deemed a hazard for your own protection. The chamber will be reopened when
The Administration
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 06, 2010, 10:53:11 am
All the way on the other side of the mountain, huh? The one I smoothed slopes off to keep archers from finding a sniper's perch over my farmers? The one year I have nothing but the finest in-house metalcrafts ready in minutes, rather than rounding up a bunch of scattered garbage for a month, and you had to go mountain-hiking for your approach. While I appreciate you dealing with the thieving scaly nuisance out there, it should've been as unnecessary an encounter as the 10-goblin war party you might have run into instead.
Something wrong with the 5-lane blacktop right next to the gate? All of the local dwarves find it to be a rather fetching road. If you're more comfortable with an underground road, well I've got another one downstairs to provide a swift and secure route.
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on November 06, 2010, 10:55:02 am
I don't think a citizen would like to see a cyclops beating dwarves to death in their room.
Sincerely,
Overseer
P.S:To whom it may concern:
Are you freaking clown lovers? Nearly all of the population likes this brute, or that specter, or this phantom. I'm tired of it!
Post by: mrbane on November 06, 2010, 11:50:37 am
Dear Urist McMiner
When you are set a project I expect that project to be completed in a timely, orderly fashion.
I hope it is understood that if I set you another project, that it is part of the grander scheme of things and so it is taken into consideration that you are already on another project. This works around the timeline the Company operates to and as such, we expect you to complete your original project before moving on to the new job.
If you are found to have abandoned a current project to move onto something else you will be henceforth stripped of your pickaxe, your rights to food and beverages and will be sent on Titan Handling duties until further notice.
Sincerely,
Management
----
Dear Urist McHunter
Your efforts at the fortress are appreciated. You have consistently returned home with numerous trophies and kills, all of which have helped the prosperity of the fortress and allowed everyone to partake of some fine meat cuts, as well as giving our chefs a healthy supply of food with which to work.
However, if in future you continue to refuse to pick up your own bolts, still serviceable, and then complain that you cannot hunt as you have no more ammunition, you will be sent down to the Monster Exercise Yard where you will have to kill the Hydra using only your bow. Without any ammunition. As you couldn't be bothered to pick it up again.
Sincerely,
Management
------
Dear Urists,
In future, pets are not allowed to be adopted or taken at random. Anyone owning a pet is to hereby hand it over to the Animal Trainer who will decide if the animal can be utilised or if not, whether the Butcher has free time to take care of the problem. Pets are not only a hygiene issue they are also causing allergic outbreaks amongst certain members of the community and as such, will be removed with immediate effect.
Sincerely,
Management
----
Dear Urist McImmigrants,
If you arrive at my fortress unannounced and expect to be given shelter, food and drink, then accept that you have no right to complain if you are told to share three beds between fifteen of you. If you do attempt to integrate into the community it is strongly advised you find a trade, quickly, or you will find yourself enroled into permanent military service. The terms of service are full enlistment with meals and drinks supplied. The duration of the service term is until death. Promotion is available to thsoe who do not die.
Sincerely,
Management
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on November 06, 2010, 04:44:47 pm
Re: Duties
It has come to our attention in seasons past that you have a touch of Attention Deficit Hyperdwarf Disorder. We understand this. It is our policy here in Lanternrelics to accommodate to the best of our ability Dwarves with special needs. This is why we take the step of turning off all of your labors when the traders are in town, and you have been excused from all hauling and menial duties.
Also, please take special note of your holdings: owing to your status as one of the founding seven, you have been given holdings suitable for nobility, including a splendid office, a grand bedroom and a fine dining room. Your furniture totals to two chests, six cabinets, six weapon racks and six armor stands. All of your walls are engraved.
It has come to our attention that at present time you proceed what is either blithe ignorance or gross flaunting of your present orders - currently, your one and only duty - to haul yourself down to the depot and conduct trade with the humie bastards who're slavering for all of the dragon bone schlock we've had our bonegrinders cranking out non-stop since the last dragon invasion, simply to clear out the bonehorde; instead you choose to cleanse yourself. This has us puzzled for a few reasons.
1: Over the past three years here at Lanternrelics, you have not cared about the fact that not only have you been completely encrusted with every manner of blood and filth known to Dwarvenkind.
2: Nor have you cared about this despite the fact that you are completely naked, as all of your clothing burned away during the first dragon attack.
3: Being that you are made entirely of steel, it is utterly impossible for you to catch any sort of illness whatsoever, even were you to wallow about in the most vile filth imaginable.
We are very aggravated at this, as there are humans in the depot who need to be relieved of their valuables, most specifically their food and alcohol, without which we will starve, dehydrate, or (worst of the three) go sober. However, we are willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. It may be your expert opinion as our outpost's broker that the humie bastards will react less poorly to your gleaming, clean stainless steel feminine form than they will to the same form coated in blood and grime.
However, and I say this with all due respect, if you don't get your frakking ass into that frakking depot when you're done washing off, I swear to Armok I will draft you and send you into the caverns to hunt down and kill those frakking forgotten beasts alone, armed with nothing more than your stainless steel fists!
Sincerely,
Management.
Dear Urist McJuniorHuntBender, aka Alath Inkshimmers (Age 1)
I understand that it is on my head and my head alone that I undertook to impress upon your young person service to the community in the form of child labor. Even more irresponsibly, I assigned you to the task of hunting, requiring you - who are yourself a target for foul beasts such as goblin kidnappers - to crawl about the wilderness of our lands with a ranged weapon and a quiver full of ammunition in search of food.
To my great surprise this is a challenge to which you seem ready to rise. You have dutifully armed yourself with a ranged weapon, and procured both a quiver and ammunition. However, you are, for some unfathomable reason, wielding an Iron Bow which no doubt came to be in our stockpiles as part of a vein of goblinite.
Nevertheless, you are a Steel Dwarf. You were ejected from your mother's nethers with all the intelligence (or should I say lack thereof) of any member of this fortress, and needed only to grow large enough to equip yourself, which you have done. Why in Armok's name are you wielding a weapon which Dwarves are not supposed to wield, and especially carrying mismatched ammunition? I assigned you and another young child-dwarf who arrived in the same wave as you to the task of hunting. Not only is he out there hunting, he's achieved the rank of Proficient Hunter, and will soon progress to Talented. As a Marksdwarf and an Archer he is Acomplished, and he's a Proficient Ambusher; our military will profit from his induction as soon as he is old enough. You, on the other hand, have nothing to show for yourself, not having even skulked around the fortress developing your skills as an ambusher.
And now, you have been possessed by a mood, no doubt to create something ridiculous and useless in the craftsdwarfs workshops, as you passed up all the magma forges and magma glass kilns that were near you when you were taken. You won't even get any bloody experience out of it, as this was a case of possession.
Drop that bow and pick up an armok-loving crossbow, or zog me, I will have you atom-smashed!
Drunkenly Yours,
Management.
P.S. I'm off to the boozehorde. If you don't drop that zogging non-crossbow (or at least zogging arm yourself with some zogging arrows), you will never again taste alcohol within your metalic esophagus, I swear it!
Post by: Akura on November 06, 2010, 05:52:35 pm
While it is important to clear out the stone from the mined-out portion of the waterways, it is not a priority, as we haven't even started the built portion of it and only recently struck the marble intended for it. Now, will someone take the rotting dog out of the danger room? Because we don't condone the (unintentional) use of biological warfare, least of all on our own military, we cannot use it until it is cleaned. That, and every time his former owner passes the door to the training area, he breaks out in tears and falls into the fetal position. While this is good sparring practice, kicking a crying, defenseless opponent while he's on the ground, as any proper dwarven military should be learn to do, it's still a bit embarassing.
Signed,
Overseer
Post by: Musashi on November 06, 2010, 06:50:44 pm
just because you inherited a named steel spear doesn't mean you should chase the enemy. Sure, the troll are dispersed and very afraid of you. The goblins, however, aren't, and have bows with pointy arrows. And the troll you're chasing is running right in their direction. Will you stop...
... oh, well. I guess you stopped for good.
Huh. Thanks, I guess, I won't have to punish you.
Love,
your overseer
P.S.: hey, at least you got a title before you turned into a porcupine! Let's pretend "The Steamed Paints" had a deeper meaning for your sake and mine.
Post by: Train Poacher on November 06, 2010, 11:48:47 pm
When I ordered your crossbow squad into that tower, I did so with the hope that you would be safe to rain bolts on the siege below without fear of having your top half removed. However, you didn't obey the order, and instead chose to violate what little common sense dwarves are known for, and ran straight into a platoon of goblin swordsmen. I know that a dwarf is eager to die for glory (and you do so in spectacular fashion), but when your death upsets everyone in the fortress and causes a tantrum spiral, I'm left wondering why I ever drafted you out of peasant-hood in the first place. For this insubordination, your body will not receive a proper burial. The same goes for your legs, your right arm, and your ear. All of you will be moved to the refuse pile to await the atom smasher.
-I hate you
Overseer
PS: Your cats will be turned into soap.
Post by: iEpinephrine on November 07, 2010, 02:21:32 am
PICK UP YOUR GODDAMNED MASTERWORK ARMOUR FROM JUST OUTSIDE THE FRONT GATE ALREADY!! There are swarms of kobold thieves about and I'm not making you another set if you lose anything!
Also, anyone who isn't Urist McSoldier, please stop stepping out the front door, saying "Ah! Ice Wolves!" and then bolting off into the wilderness. My archers are tired of rescuing you! Srsly, there's a trade caravan coming in, you know at least a dozen goblins will be arriving.
That is all.
Post by: iEpinephrine on November 07, 2010, 02:41:28 am
Told you.
You miscreant little f***s.
I hope you enjoy being dead.
Post by: JoshBrickstien on November 07, 2010, 03:00:04 am
It disturbed me to discover recently, the only a few of you actually have any amount of Engraving experience whatsoever. I would like to ask you how exactly this is possible, since you just smoothed and engraved the entire first level of the Grand Hall. Your incompetence is overwhelming. Also, your speed is very unsatisfactory. When I order the Grand Hall smoothed, I want it done quickly, not two seasons later! At this current rate, the grand hall will be completed in no less than four years! Not to mention the Grand Dining rooms, the Bedding chambers, and the Great Chasm! At this rate, the Mountain Home should be completed no earlier than The summer of 542! As Engravers, your part is pivotal to this effort! I suggest you speed up before I assign you to Volcano Exploration!
Sincerely, Management
---------
Dear Hamlet Berineth Mining Guild of 502,
I know you have nothing to do while the Engraving committee is Working, but please, could you all cut back on the Booze and Prepared cat lungs? We won't last until the next caravan if you continue consuming food at this rate! Furthermore, as you are un-employed, I hereby assign you to the Mason's Guild until Engraving is complete. Thank you.
Sincerely, Management
----
Hamlet Berineth Fishing Guild of 502,
This is a very short note. Could you please stop coming to my office complaining about the ponds being dry? There is nothing I can do about it.
Also, could you try to catch more fish during the spring? Half of the fort depends on that fish for the whole year!
Sincerely, Management
----
Dear Urist McDogOwner
I am very sorry for the loss of your dog during the recent leopard attacks. But would you kindly remove his rotting corpse from the hallways? Thank you.
Sincerely, Management
Post by: Frosty on November 07, 2010, 04:12:10 am
I heard you are all quite fond of the new waterfall. Good for you. Sadly its my duty to tell you the nice waterfall you all keep mentioning is actually our central stairwell. Hopefully you like view enough not to miss your quarters, meeting hall or food stockpiles. Feel free to take few days off to enjoy it throughly. There is no hurry because your workshops are also submerged
Love,
The one who sees in dark
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on November 07, 2010, 09:05:59 am
I know you are thirsty. Maybe when one of you channeled that tile, you should have left a ramp? And maybe the other one shouldn't have followed? And maybe you should dpend your time digging towards the booze, not on a side tunnel? The labyrinth is complicated, so you'd waste enough time with that.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrm McGold, Telepathic Fortress Overseer
P.S. To McExpeditionLeader: How did you get to your post like this?
EDIT: Dear Urist McOtherminer:
You're kidding, right? Dig yourself out. Help the other two morons.
EDIT2: Dear Urist McMiner and Urist McExpiditionLeader:
Urist McOtherMiner has found some stairs up! Now go join him before you die of thirst!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on November 07, 2010, 10:53:21 am
Please do not wander across the map. It makes my carpenter's current job of tying you up much harder.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrm McGold, Telepathic Fortress Overseer
Post by: Samuel on November 09, 2010, 02:13:21 am
You used quite a bit of rock on that artifact, eh? burrow exploits are a wonderful thing. Let's see what wonderful addition to our fortress you've-
...
A bitumonous coal ring.
...
Urist, there's a downward shaft in the caven that may or may not be home to an unimaginable eldritch horror or a bunch of pissed-off snakemen or Armok knows what else. Can you go check that out for me? Thanks.
Signed,
An Overseer who knew this would happen the moment you claimed the Craftsdwarf's shop.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on November 09, 2010, 07:35:48 am
I understand that times can be rough after a loved one dies, but please note that the decay of said loved one's corpse of which you seem to be unhappy about is actually your pet dog. We here do not bestow funeral rites on animals (this includes goblins). It is difficult enough making a mausoleum big enough to hold every citizen, let alone their pets as well. Please accept my condolences and for the love of Armok GET HAPPY!
Your Invisible Overseer
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 09, 2010, 12:30:05 pm
I agree, the bunnies, pheasants, and geese are very cute. But you guys have jobs to do. I, for one, would prefer that there be plenty of food and booze for the coming winter and spring, since we all know the elves can't be trusted to bring either. Hell, sometimes even our own prefer bringing four anvils in lieu of food and booze. so I am sure you can appreciate how important this is.
The point is, if I keep getting spammed with 'Urist McPETA Member cancels picking his nose: Interrupted by Cute Little Critter x2385734', I am going to introduce you to the cute and cuddly Mr. Magma.
No love,
Your Overseer
Post by: blur on November 09, 2010, 03:13:02 pm
3rd Granite
I have scheduled you to feed patients and recover wounded. Why do you try to fill the already full hospital cistern, while Lokum McDecoratedHero starves dehydratedly to death no three tiles away from you? Also, you might find it funny to place a full bucket one tile away from him, but he has a broken spine and is surely not amused. Don't let him kick the bucket, or at least dig out his tomb!
Love,
your Overseer
Dear Urist,
8th Felsite
You were successful. Lokum McDecoratedHero has died from dehydration. Now, please stop ignoring his corpse and bury him? A rotting Dwarf in the hospital is not hygienic.
Yours sincerely,
your Overseer
Post by: NewSheoth on November 09, 2010, 03:16:29 pm
Dear Urist,3rd Granite
I have scheduled you to feed patients and recover wounded. Why do you try to fill the already full hospital cistern, while Lokum McDecoratedHero starves dehydratedly to death no three tiles away from you? Also, you might find it funny to place a full bucket one tile away from him, but he has a broken spine and is surely not amused. Don't let him kick the bucket, or at least dig out his tomb!
Love,
your Overseer
Dear Urist,8th Felsite
You were successful. Lokum McDecoratedHero has died from dehydration. Now, please stop ignoring his corpse and bury him? A rotting Dwarf in the hospital is not hygienic.
Yours sincerely,
your Overseer
Lock that Urist McDumbasabrick in the tomb with the Lokum McDecoratedHero. The only way to be sure.
Well, there's another - draft him and get him patrolling the outside/the caverns.
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 09, 2010, 06:03:33 pm
There's a lot of butchery work to be done, and I appreciate the initiative you've taken when all others are busy bringing in the rottables to where they're sure to generate miasma the moment they're put down. So which corpse do you want to work on, the one stocked right next to a butcher shop, the one piled a brisk walk away from another butcher shop, or the 15k corpse placed in an unnecessarily remote corner? Couldn't pick the shop nearest that corpse, could you? Or second nearest?
Well try not to starve or dehydrate anytime during your month's long efforts -- we've got enough bodies to shuffle around.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on November 09, 2010, 07:33:10 pm
Be careful where you dig! You crushed Dagger McJelly* under a chunk of stone! And if it wasn't obvious what causes such things, you caused a similar action while McJelly was on the chunk of rock. Poor McJelly regained consciousness just in time to be crushed by your clumsiness.
Oh, and that water source you and McJelly complained of vanishing a bit back? It was there, and in case you don't believe me, I have a well for just that purpose.
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 09, 2010, 09:25:24 pm
I know, it's hard work hauling loads out of the midsummer sun, especially this much junk. Gotta get your drink on and cool down. You too, kids (maybe you can empty the damn barrels so the adults can get this over without hitting it every 5 mins.)
You...what the hell are you doing out here? You are set to zero hauling duty, so what're doing? Don't tell me you're here for the longland beer, we got master brewers stocking the place, upstairs, downstairs, you can't walk 80 urists without seeing a keg of it, so what brings you aaaaall the way out to the middle of a jungle, which I know your work doesn't do much to adapt you for?
Okay, this picnic is over! Everything getting dumped and now! We'll sort it in stockpiles later, just push it the hell through the gates before another one of your brats gets snatched!
Your Overseer could use a drink -- gimmie that barrel!
Post by: Oxinabox on November 09, 2010, 09:42:54 pm
your impressive work as Mayor, Broker, manager, bookkeeper and commander of the emergancy civialan militia, lead me to the apointing of you as Baron,
However, once in this position you fell slack in your previous duties, leading me to have to replace you in them with 5 differnt dwarves all lacking your previously well honed expertise. Leaving you the sole role of Baron and emergancy civlian militia commander.
Even with yuir relaxed schedual you continued to complain.
Most anyone else would have been proud to hae a 3 story mountain top villa, made from stone hauled from the deepest depths. The Villa overlooked all the great land I had given over to your watching.
Now I know you like steel, I like steel too and our steal works is operating strong.
So when you asked for steel furnishings I provided.
But when you asked for a steel bed, I had to say no. The metal smiths won't do it. They Just Won't.
Now, when it came to your office, where visiting nobles would meet, I had to insist.
For you i created the most valuable piece of furniture every created, by a dwarf in his right mind, in the fortress.
It's value rivaled, and indeed exceeded that of most artifacts this fortress has ever produced, A plantinium throne, encrusted with the weath of a mountain: gems and diamonds of all varieties, studs of gold, silver and the bone of our enemies.
This throne was the awe of all who saw it.
Now you got mad, when you saw it was not of steel, this throne wich took 3 legendairy dwarves 3 years to make. Had you just gone down two sets of stairs to the dinign room you could have sat in your steel one there. Heck at the time you destoyed it, there was already a dwarf carting a steel one up to you following your bellowed demands for "A steel throne in my office".
Now you see, it wasn't your destroying this masterpiece, that offended the people of the fortress,
No. It was the way you complained about not having a decent office.
Is it any wonder they refused to follow you when you when down to fight that cave ogre?
Signed
The Mountain Watcher
Attention Urst McCivilianMilitiaMan;
You work in the past has been exemplery, both in Military, and in your normal civilan jobs,
Now when you are called to the walls, for a drawbridge opening, I want you to stand on the walls and rain your usual rain of copper bolts down upon the goblin hordes tailing the merchant wagons. So the merchants can get over the bridge, without letting the golbins though.
The standard protocol upon the merchants entering hte fortress was the usaull closign of the bridge, This was fallowed despite, your strange desire to go across it to get a better vantage point, for shootign of said goblins.
I'm sure you realised, before your untiml demise that the golblin skimishers who i snet you to guard gainst are quite able in melee, and you, a civilan crossbom and are not,
and even with a full quiver, ou can only shoot one of them at a time.
You lost one of our valuable Quivers,
there are another 30 militia men, with crossbows, waiting for for a quiver, and you left one outside.
Now i need to send civlians into unknow teritory to reclaim our corpse and quiver.
Signed
the Watching Ox
Post by: YellowPebble on November 10, 2010, 07:33:44 am
I fully appreciate that all has not been well in this fortress lately. There was that terrible plague of flies for a start- you may be glad to know that this has been traced to a lack of barrels, which has since been rectified. I know this will be a huge relief to Urist McAbsolutelyDetestsFlies.
Perhaps worse, the dehydration caused by the unfortunate coincidence of the onset of Winter (and subsequent freeze) and the running out of our alcohol stocks has affected everyone. Again, you may be glad to know that not only do we now have a working well, but a brewer is up and working with our new stockpile of spare barrels.
I note that these troubles have not gone unnoticed by you.
I am somewhat suprised, thus, to note that you have all been "ecstatic" of late. This appears to be due to sleeping in a bedroom like, and I quote, "a personal palace". This remark confuses me, since your bedroom is the same small hole in the earth that every other dwarf has, except in your case you have to share it between three people and your bedroom is unique in *not* having a cabinet.
It is true that your bed is somewhat unusual, I admit. It's made of stone, and covered in menacing spikes of iron. I can't see why this would be particularly desirable in a bed, though. It was cobbled together by Urist McMiner who spent most of a season in our only Mason's workshop refusing to mine and demanding metal, of which we had none at that time.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on November 11, 2010, 01:12:34 pm
While I do not doubt your medical knowledge, was it really necessary to save Urist McComa, I mean, the guy had all his limbs severed, and took a massive blow to his head. While it is incredible that you saved him, you neglected to treat any of the other victims, most of which died from infections after you stopped working on them to treat McComa. Although you are still indespensible to this fortress, I still shall see you punished. If you notice, your quarters have been relocated to the left of the workshops. Have fun with that.
From,
The Administrator
PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.
Post by: Fisher-Risen on November 11, 2010, 01:26:26 pm
Thanks for the ambush... >.>
Signed Urist Mcoverseer
Post by: Samuel on November 11, 2010, 02:12:39 pm
PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.
Hint: Giant Cave Spiders
Post by: Silent_Thunder on November 11, 2010, 02:52:25 pm
PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.
Hint: Giant Cave Spiders
NO I am not releasing GCS in the medical wing. Its in the heart of my fort, ya know so injured people can get to it.
Post by: JarinArenos on November 11, 2010, 03:06:32 pm
Your ambushes are cute and all, but my army is getting bored. Could you hurry up and send an invasion?
Thanks,
Urist McMayor
****
Goblins (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v128/Varsis/Dwarf%20Fortress/Smileys/emot-black101.gif): Rar, we are an evil force of darkness...?
Solitary axe lord (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v128/Varsis/Dwarf%20Fortress/Smileys/emot-dota101.gif): BLOOD FOR ARMOK!
Goblins (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v128/Varsis/Dwarf%20Fortress/Smileys/emot-black101.gif):OHGODRUNAWAY!
****
Dear Ugly McGoblinwussylord,
... seriously?
Post by: EvilFuzzy9 on November 11, 2010, 03:42:28 pm
STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS. >:( >:( >:( >:( THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR. Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want. Booze can only be stored in barrels. Seeds can be stored in bags and bins. Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made. If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.
Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord
Post by: Silent_Thunder on November 11, 2010, 04:19:52 pm
Dear Urist McComa,
How the hell did you lose all four limbs? Last time I saw you, you were at the back of the fortress, and that's where your almost-corpse was found. The Titan never made it that far. What the HFS! Are you like a gecko and shed your limbs when you feel threatened? Because if so, then you better grow those limbs back, because you are the only person who can extract Cotton Candy at a reasonable pace.
From,
The Administrator
And yes I do know I could check the combat reports, but I had a fortress of around 120 dwarves, and the titan ripped through around 70 of them, so I don't have time to check, but I'm betting it was a tantrum. On the good side I'm back above 70FPS again.
Post by: Lord Vetinari on November 11, 2010, 04:49:48 pm
Dear Urist McBarrelwaster,
STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS. >:( >:( >:( >:( THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR. Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want. Booze can only be stored in barrels. Seeds can be stored in bags and bins. Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made. If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.
Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord
Reserve barrels (p menu, * to increase the number or barrel that won't be used for storage untill some job requires them).
Post by: EvilFuzzy9 on November 11, 2010, 05:39:11 pm
Dear Urist McBarrelwaster,
STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS. >:( >:( >:( >:( THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR. Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want. Booze can only be stored in barrels. Seeds can be stored in bags and bins. Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made. If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.
Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord
Reserve barrels (p menu, * to increase the number or barrel that won't be used for storage untill some job requires them).
(Oh. Well, that's helpful.)
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 11, 2010, 07:18:36 pm
I wouldn't call that a patrol duty. If you're pissed about standing around, you have your ate-the-fuck-up battle buddies to thank for that. You could've been done in minutes if they had their gear together and ready to deploy in the middle of a training month. But you got to take it out on some gobbos, well done btw, so go chill out with your light detail.
Commander-in-Chief
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 13, 2010, 01:30:32 am
Did a little rain drop on your head? Did you have to sleep in a rough-hewn bunkhouse? Recruit, did you have to stand in formation too long?
Well, you weren't here for the worst of it. I see you're taking up our mayor's valuable time, complaining about the fly in your soup when she's watched her children suffocate to death in front of her. Maybe you could learn to suck it up on your own, huh? Flies are good protein, and we have master chefs to prepare it to taste.
I could arrange you an industrial accident, but that would let you out of the tooth-shattering, bitch-slapping ass-chewing you really deserve.
Post by: Encased in burning magma on November 13, 2010, 03:43:56 am
PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.
Hint: Giant Cave Spiders
No.
Hint: cave-in.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on November 13, 2010, 09:00:18 am
Post by: Urist McTaverish on November 13, 2010, 09:15:10 am
...
Keep up the good work. That is all.
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 13, 2010, 10:04:20 am
That...is a masterful image of a square. No, no, a rendition of a square, since the original square is too sacred to draw.
We had high hopes for you, but I guess this is what happens when a dwarf of zero creativity manages to become a Legendary Engraver. I know, that square is the symbol of our civilization, and it makes me wonder about the engravers around when the civilization was started.
Urist McGroundPounder: Go engrave those walls. We're making a civilization here.
Urist McStonefledgeling: What should I make?
Urist MGP: Just engrave something!
Urist MSF: Uh, okay....scratches out four lines...is that good?
Urist MGP: ...it'll do.
Urist McSuperfluousObserver: It suits us. We're all about the square. Squareness R us.
Post by: Deus Machina on November 17, 2010, 03:14:24 pm
You've been loitering around with 'no job' all season. You're not on break, which means you're not getting paid to sit around.
I've designated the area for the soon-to-be dining hall dug out. You've got plenty of stone to cut out, you've got picks, GET TO WORK.
Sincerely,
The overseer that's going to send you down to deal with that giant toad, if you don't feel like working on that rock.
Post by: Gr33kjester on November 17, 2010, 03:19:54 pm
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommanderWait, A NOBLE IS DOING GOOD?!
...
Keep up the good work. That is all.
Post by: Gr33kjester on November 17, 2010, 03:27:35 pm
Thank you, for your mandates, you have saved the fortress, in more than 2 ways, first of all, you order 3 STEEL WEAPONS to be made, that saved me from a siege, then 3 STEEL shields, also helped, then you order me to make Plaster, to help the wounded soldiers, THANK ARMOK Urist McOldMayor (Comrade 33) got killed by a raccoon...
Oh and Urist McMiner (Comrade 1),
DON'T F*CKING COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE, YOU HAVE AN AWESOME BEDROOM, AN LEGENDARY DINING ROOM, WHO CARES ABOUT THAT KITTEN!
Yours Depressed and with slight drunkenness
Comrade Gr33kjester
Post by: Schmlok on November 18, 2010, 07:25:08 am
I'm sorry for all the crap that happened to you, you had so much promise.
Your mother carried you into ranged combat and used you as a shield. Luckily not so well.
You crawled across the fort twice, because your father nor the medical staff would pick you up.
You almost starved and died of thirst 3 times on that trip.
It's a shame I accidentally built a wall diagonal to a ramp outside during a siege, the day after you became a child.
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 18, 2010, 07:30:58 am
Wait, A NOBLE IS DOING GOOD?!It happens, believe it. My count and my commander both kick ass.
Post by: Samuel on November 18, 2010, 08:57:00 am
You know, I was kinda hoping you were going to pimp out the new iron armour a little. Not sure why you didn't, I mean, the metalsmith's forge is closer than the wagon you got the rope from. I mean, I suppose we could sell it to the traders, but... I mean, how does one even encrust a rope? How does that even work? You know what, it's fine, it's my fault for assuming one of you morons would take the very undwarfy option of using logic.
Signed,
Your Tired Overseer,
PS putting menacing spikes on a splint is a fantastic idea.
Post by: pixl97 on November 18, 2010, 11:27:49 am
Dear Gem Setter,
You know, I was kinda hoping you were going to pimp out the new iron armour a little. Not sure why you didn't, I mean, the metalsmith's forge is closer than the wagon you got the rope from. I mean, I suppose we could sell it to the traders, but... I mean, how does one even encrust a rope? How does that even work? You know what, it's fine, it's my fault for assuming one of you morons would take the very undwarfy option of using logic.
Signed,
Your Tired Overseer,
PS putting menacing spikes on a splint is a fantastic idea.
At least you can build the rope in to a well..
I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with this adamantine thong : /
Post by: LoSboccacc on November 18, 2010, 11:37:55 am
I knew it. you knew it.
the forgotten best came with a note with handling instruction. as it said right on the tin, beware it's poisonous gas.
that is why I sent you with xbows and masterwork iron bolts, in the case you're still wondering.
you'll not be allowed to come back to the fortress until you survive the quarantine.
Post by: takaratiki on November 18, 2010, 11:40:38 am
Post by: Loyal on November 18, 2010, 02:55:49 pm
Please stop wasting masterwork bone bolts in an attempt to draw out your quarry's suffering. Waiting until the goat is vomiting, pale, fainting, and lying in a 3x3 pool of its own blood, riddled with no less than half a dozen bolts made of the bones of its brethren, before you finally put it out of its misery? Not good form.
Dear Military:
Spar, damnit. I gave you weapons, armor, plenty of space to train, and a flexible schedule. Stop doing individual combat drills. At the very least you could follow/lead a demonstration by that one migrant who showed up with High Master Swording skills or something.
Sincerely,
O.
Post by: Naes Draw on November 18, 2010, 04:36:31 pm
Post by: Ten_Tacles on November 18, 2010, 04:37:52 pm
Dear Urist McJuniorEngineer,Says everything.
Post by: Max White on November 18, 2010, 04:40:46 pm
Poor the blood out of the barrel.
Fill the barrel with booze.
Stop annoying me about barrels!!!
~Max White.
Post by: Naes Draw on November 18, 2010, 05:01:22 pm
Dear Urist McJuniorEngineer,Says everything.
I was going to go into the whole mess, but that really does sum it up well.
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 18, 2010, 06:52:30 pm
Maybe you're not a complete retard. Maybe I just haven't tried to understand how you think. Maybe when I see, I really see the Dwarven Way, I will be astounded by your genius. I will smack myself -- oh how could I not see the brilliance before me?
In the meantime, out of all the bewilderingly, suicidally idiotic things I've witnessed from you, there's one thing I've never seen you do: yell at AI's through your computer monitor.
But maybe, given the chance, you would. So who's to say which of us is smarter?
Post by: the great fool on November 18, 2010, 08:14:13 pm
Why must you run into the cavern just as i start firing ballistas at hellspawn? it doesn't make much sense to me, and im sure as hell that it doesn't make sense to you.
please stop blaming me for your idiotic obsession with getting ballista arrows in your body.
~signed: A fed up leader.
Post by: Greiger on November 18, 2010, 11:32:35 pm
That spider is not cat food. It is my hopes and dreams of a silk industry. I went through a whole lot of trouble to retrieve that spider from the caverns. You are the fortress' only cat. And although you have adopted one of the more useful members of the fortress, I can get more carpenters. All I would need to do is remove your owner and you a mewling pile of leather and bones.
Now stop gnawing on my hopes and dreams!
Sincerely,
The administration.
Post by: Hydrall on November 18, 2010, 11:48:17 pm
Stop strangling random people who enter the barracks while you are sparring. That makes four so far.
Post by: CapnUrist on November 19, 2010, 12:01:53 am
I know that digging into a canyon wall aquifer is difficult, especially since you are replacing the legendary Miner who had been taken from up by alligators. However, you may find it easier if you stopped jumping into the pit below with each tile channeled, which as usual immediately fills with water, and as you have experienced no less than five times, washes you into the river. Hopefully one of these times you drown before you reach the stairs up, and I can give your job to someone more competent.
Post by: duckInferno on November 19, 2010, 12:58:10 am
Yes:
Code: [Select]
#safety#
# #
# #
# #
# ^ #
############ | ############
|
d gNo:
Code: [Select]
#safety#
# #
# #
# #
# #
############ ############
<------ d g
Post by: proxn_punkd on November 19, 2010, 02:05:23 am
There's a reason every other miner is Legendary and you are not. You arrived at the same time as Avuz ingizutstuth, who is also now Legendary...
... because for some reason whenever I designate an area for YOU to dig, SHE'S the one who ends up doing it. You just seem to end up in the booze hall.
Amazed you've made Grand Master, with all the work you've been doing,
the Proxian
Post by: randompeep on November 19, 2010, 02:57:20 am
I want to know what in the hells you thought was out here. We just set up a year ago, and the only things we've traded so far are some mugs. (oh wait) We don't even have a truly adequate supply of food, yet 22 of you decided that here would be a nice place to live. Don't be surprised if you have no work for years.
Post by: Deus Machina on November 19, 2010, 03:49:21 am
You seem to have followed me from my last fort. Though I'm pretty sure I saw you in the dining hall (and the bedrooms, and the entry hall, and the food storage) when the forgotten beast tore through all six dozen of you like a scythe through so much wheat.
I know it looked like a bunny, but its ribs were on the outside. That should be a clue.
I'm glad to hear that you have such faith in me. And that you seem to have retained your stonecrafting ability.
I'm also glad we have a different crop of stones here. Why did you think rock salt mugs were such a great idea?
-Your still confused overseer.
Dear Urist McMechanic,
I can't forbid the rhyolite outright because the stonecrafters need an otherwise useless stone. However, I have forbidden all the rhyolite on your floor and surrounded you and your shop with alunite. You're tripping over the stuff.
So why do you run up three Z-levels or down four and risk the currently flooding farms, when we need mechanisms that can actually get our magma chambers filling?
Wait too much longer, and I'm just going to fill your shop with alunite and lock you in. You'll make the right mechanisms or starve.
-Your increasingly annoyed overseer.
Post by: dragonshardz on November 19, 2010, 05:02:35 am
Post by: Shootandrun on November 19, 2010, 09:53:19 am
Sorry 'bout you being attacked by the werewolf. If it can make you happy, our haulers have found one of your eyes and are bringing it to your tomb, with the two arms, one of the ears and the left foot!
Post by: Musashi on November 19, 2010, 12:29:20 pm
I don't know which rotting creature exactly has caused three of your fellow citizens's feet to decay at the speed of light, but could you guys please pick it up in the refuse stockpile and hold it for approximately one minute with both hands (or feet, or mouth, or whatever you please, your call)?
Thanks.
Your Overseer.
P.S.: for what's worth, the only hint I have is a crundle's right upper leg, but feel free to experiment with the Forgotten Beasts, as I swear every single one of them was venomous in its own way.
P.P.S.: you can thank me for having the foresight of placing the commoners' cemetery right next to the main hospital.
EDIT:
Every one of you who has made an artifact, is legendary in at least one skill, and has enough of them to be guaranteed some kind of job every day at the fortress,
you are exempt from the aforementioned suggestion.
No, seriously. Stay the fuck away from that stockpile. There, it doesn't exist anymore (nor your feet and what little life you had, but hey, nobody's perfect). And for good measure, I'm also restricting the area. Don't touch it. Don't look at it. Don't even think about doing it. Don't even think about NOT doing it.
If any of you cause a tantrum spiral because you managed to have a family or a friend, I swear I'm reclaiming the fort just to finish the magma system and flood the whole goddamn thing. Your coffins are NOT magma-safe, just so you know.
Love,
Your Overseer.
Post by: pixl97 on November 19, 2010, 01:43:56 pm
I asked you to pull the lever again and again till I told you to stop. Not to pull the lever once and then take a break. Since you were a long way away from the action you failed to notice that Mr McMiner opened a new breach in the caverns to let in the collection of forgotten beasts that were building up. To meet said beasties was a hallway filled with many steel spikes attached to the lever you were pulling. Now instead of said beasts being turned in to hamburger, they walked past a well designed hallway. Luckily my military backup of 30 well trained dwarves cut the first two to bits pretty easy. It was the last critter that breathed deadly dust. After he was dispatched 27 out of the 30 fine soldiers melted quickly. Three remain in a state of good that is something like a plump helmet. A lot of dogs melted too. Everyone is very unhappy about this. If only I remembered your name.
Post by: Zidane on November 19, 2010, 05:56:06 pm
Good job with those engravings, I really do like how you keep engraving Wasp demons, and only wasp demons.
If you want to talk about it, the other dwarfs are there... But please stop engraving them in the pediatric section, you are scaring the children.
Post by: proxn_punkd on November 19, 2010, 06:10:09 pm
THERE ARE NO SHELLS.
Nice job screwing yourself over, I guess.
Post by: Uzu Bash on November 19, 2010, 07:18:10 pm
So you're locked in with nothing but warm sand to sleep on and a mountain of forgotten beast meat. I thought for a minute that you were smarter than the dwarves. But you're actually pawing at the gate? "I don't like a warm bed and more food than I can eat, let me out!"
Okay, you get to go free, as free as anyone can be with the rest of the hazards around. Happy now?
Post by: Naes Draw on November 19, 2010, 07:39:22 pm
As much as I love the numerous fine engravings of a sleepless Naes Draw, and I do, (you little suck up), also engraving 20 copies of the same bronze colossus killing the same dwarf in a bloody fashion on my greatroom floor is not what I had in mind when I designated it for decoration. It is a very anti-dwarven message to present to visitors.
As punishment, I will allow the children of the fortress to decorate YOUR quarters.
Yours,
-Naes Draw
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 19, 2010, 08:16:24 pm
I'm sorry guys, I should have set up defenses and the military sooner. That cyclops really did a number on you. that said, you and the war animals did fight a good fight before going down for the count. Good work, lads.
Post by: Greiger on November 19, 2010, 09:54:01 pm
I don't hate you. I really don't. When ever I catch one of you in the cage traps that are occasionally scattered around for arena fodder I let you go free. You aren't doing any harm, and as long as the dogs are around you stay out of the gate which is where you belong.
One of your item liberators had discovered a group of goblins sneaking their way to my fortress. The kobold had managed to escape with some minor wounds, and had managed to inflict a good wound on one of the goblins as well of breaking their ambush before it could do harm.
I propose an alliance, you break ambush parties up for me, as that one kobold has done, and I'll make sure some choice items are left of the field to be collected at your leisure. Instead of the usual atom smash everything not metal treatment.
I hope to see you next season.
The administration of SmoulderCrater
Post by: Naes Draw on November 19, 2010, 09:58:03 pm
Dear Kobolds.
I don't hate you. I really don't. When ever I catch one of you in the cage traps that are occasionally scattered around for arena fodder I let you go free. You aren't doing any harm, and as long as the dogs are around you stay out of the gate which is where you belong.
One of your item liberators had discovered a group of goblins sneaking their way to my fortress. The kobold had managed to escape with some minor wounds, and had managed to inflict a good wound on one of the goblins as well of breaking their ambush before it could do harm.
I propose an alliance, you break ambush parties up for me, as that one kobold has done, and I'll make sure some choice items are left of the field to be collected at your leisure. Instead of the usual atom smash everything not metal treatment.
I hope to see you next season.
The administration of SmoulderCrater
I wish. Toady, are you listening? :)
Post by: Zrk2 on November 19, 2010, 10:05:12 pm
Dear Kobolds.
I don't hate you. I really don't. When ever I catch one of you in the cage traps that are occasionally scattered around for arena fodder I let you go free. You aren't doing any harm, and as long as the dogs are around you stay out of the gate which is where you belong.
One of your item liberators had discovered a group of goblins sneaking their way to my fortress. The kobold had managed to escape with some minor wounds, and had managed to inflict a good wound on one of the goblins as well of breaking their ambush before it could do harm.
I propose an alliance, you break ambush parties up for me, as that one kobold has done, and I'll make sure some choice items are left of the field to be collected at your leisure. Instead of the usual atom smash everything not metal treatment.
I hope to see you next season.
The administration of SmoulderCrater
I wish. Toady, are you listening? :)
What moral crimes did you grow up on? Kobolds are for slaughtering and taking advantage of!
Post by: Naes Draw on November 19, 2010, 10:10:40 pm
Post by: Zrk2 on November 19, 2010, 11:24:03 pm
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on November 20, 2010, 08:55:31 am
I would like to announce my intense delight in the progress which has been made at Lanternrelics in the past few years. It seems that not so long ago, mistaken breaches of the caverns were horrifying events that cost us many Steel Dwarves and would no doubt have cost us the whole fortress if we were fleshy, non-steel, non-syndrome-immune regular Dwarves. Indeed, to this day, lingering traces of the Forgotten Beast Uprising of 303 are with us in the form of infected pets who pitifully crawl around the fortress, swollen with their own blood and pus, creating trails of miasma until the poor damn things finally croak because you're too bleeding soft to give the poor damn thing a swift mercy kill.
The Danger Room has been an amazing success story, quickly and efficiently training our warriors in the arts of combat. This, it turned out, was critical recently, and I shall tell you why:
Whilst undertaking to carve out a magma-below suite of rooms for our most experienced weaponsmith, next to those of our Forgemaster, in the hopes that they will get to know each other and get it on, we were all shocked and amazed to learn that we had been banging on our magma forges a mere handful of Urist away from Adamantine. Being a curious sort, I ordered it dug down into.
I did not realize that adamantine shafts could become hollow from solid at any time. Though I ordered the breach closed as soon as we all heard those... Unearthly wails... it was all for naught, for as fast as Steel Dwarves are, demons are faster, and soon we were inundated with a swarming horde of beasts the likes of which this world was never meant to see. What else could we do? The only options we had were to abandon the forges and all those in them, forever, walling them off... Or stand up the soldiers and fight.
We fought, and we won. We won without casuality, in fact!
This experience has emboldened us, brothers, sisters. The adamantine will be mined, swords and axes forged of the legendary metal. We are going to storm Hell!
Signed, your beloved overlord, Urist McPatton.
Post by: Ze Spy on November 20, 2010, 11:00:41 am
When i Asked you to Drink from a well , i didn't ask you to Drink from a Carp infested water , Now we've got a Bloody Mess to Deal with
Post by: Loyal on November 20, 2010, 01:42:15 pm
If I've designated several areas to be mined out at once, particularly in the form of several three-by-three rooms, I would prefer if you prioritized thoroughness over ease of access. Please completely dig out the designations, one area at a time, instead of buggering off with the job half done to go half-dig out another area.
I'm cool with micromanagement, but this is just counter-intuitive.
~O.
Dear Siege Engineers/Operators:
I understand that the oncoming goblin horde terrifies you. Really, I do. This is why I have placed you behind a trio of ballistae, a row of fortifications, and channeled out several additional plots of land in front of said fortifications. This is also why I have placed several traps in the causeway to the siege engines, thus that any particularly wily goblins will suffer casualties trying to reach you in particular.
Now, I won't begrudge you your desire to flee the oncoming danger (such as it is), but would you at least fire the already-primed ballistae at least once each before you do? Pretty please with magma on top?
~O.
Post by: Carcanken on November 21, 2010, 09:38:45 pm
I understand you want to keep some of our items to our own fort, that is okay. But letting us not sell limestone crafts is absurd, it is all we have. Would you rather live in a rat infested tunnel full of dead or drunken dwarves? I wouldnt. But, to lets say "bribe" you to stop doing these things, please report to the overlook on the highest cliff on the map. There is a nice cup of tea, and your favorite beer. Dont worry when a lever clicks and the ground falls under your feet.
Post by: Greiger on November 21, 2010, 10:44:39 pm
If you must incarcerate a member of the REAL military at a noble's request, please don't tie them up in the deepest darkest rope in the dungeon. And if you decide to do that PLEASE remember to feed them!
I just discovered one of the fortresses' best crossbowmen trying to grab at any vermin that would come near her rope! After watching for a moment to see that indeed nobody was coming by to feed her I ordered the rope deconstructed with one of the other members of the military happily did.
And then to add insult to gross neglect one of you bastards decided to issue a beating for prison escape. You are extremely lucky your wooden club couldn't do any harm through her leather armor. Or you would have been due to a freak trash compactor accident.
Dear Lancer # 4
Why and how. Why did you decide to cross a bridge you knew was going to be raised as part of standard invasion procedure on your way to your station.
And how did you get crushed by a RAISING bridge that had nothing over it? Nothing but open sky.
And guess what, the armorsmith is pissed. Exactly how many masterworks were you wearing? He made quite a few, so I would think you had to be wearing at least 3 to get him quite this steamed at the destruction of masterworks.
To Kittens
STOP EATING MY CAVE SPIDERS!
Signed,
The administration
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on November 22, 2010, 10:51:03 am
It is not smart to drink from the brook when there is an alligator ready to eat you.
Post by: Musashi on November 22, 2010, 11:10:54 am
feed the goddamn patients.
Especially when said patients are soldiers with a broken arm.
Your overseer, who quite enjoys having a new mask
Post by: absynthe7 on November 22, 2010, 11:29:42 am
Clean the floor. Clean the floor. Clean the floor. Why aren't you cleaning the floor? Clean the floor. Clean the floor. There's a pile of forgotten beast extract right there. Every single one of you has cleaning active as a labor. Clean the floor. Fifteen of you are idling. The extract is in the meeting hall that you are idling in. It's right in front of you. Clean it. Clean the floor. Clean the damn floor!!!
Or all walk through it, back and forth, while idling. That's terrific.
Post by: The Merchant Of Menace on November 22, 2010, 12:23:13 pm
Regards, your severely pissed off Mistress.
Post by: Gr33kjester on November 22, 2010, 12:29:06 pm
I hope your not trying to create a union, because, your not working to standard, 5 legendary miners, all are on break, "Socialising". If you keep this up, the same will happen to you as it did to the woodworkers Union, and we don't talk about them any more...
Yours Angrily,
Comrade "Joseph" Gr33kjester
On another note,
We don't talk about the woodworkers Union, there was NEVER a woodworkers union, just some lazy woodworkers, dwarfs, UNIONS ARE BAD IDEAS!
Have fun!
Comrade "Joseph" Gr33kjester
Post by: chaturga on November 22, 2010, 12:33:39 pm
While I welcome the occasional social get-together after all tasks are complete for the day. I need to remind you that giving birth IN FRONT of twenty partygoing dwarfs may he considered socially unacceptable by some.
Especially when you consider this is the third time this month... People have to eat in the dining room.
Regards
Overbeard
Post by: atomicthumbs on November 22, 2010, 04:24:27 pm
I know it's your rotting cheese in the barracks. You carved your name into it. I know you don't want to own up to letting it rot before you could eat it, but it's making all the other soldiers sick. Please do something with it.
Post by: schussel on November 22, 2010, 06:24:00 pm
i knwo it was the responsibility of a certain miner that he tapped the volcano in such a way that the magma now flows over half the map ..
but thats no reason to just stand there trying to fish in a steaming obsidianising pond to get sourrounded and knocked out by magma and deadly fume clouds ...
hope the afterlife is quite more interesting than steamy fire stuffy .. well .. hf in hell
Post by: Jordo on November 22, 2010, 07:47:31 pm
Stop having so many babies. Seriously, they make up 1/4th of the fort's population
Yours truly,
The mysterious force that controls all.
Post by: arcadia on November 22, 2010, 07:47:45 pm
Thank you for your patience with the kingdom's new, "Every dwarf, a miner dwarf!" policy. Unfortunately, due to administrative oversights with regards to "The Great Channel" project, out of your group of twenty-two, you are now one of the two dwarfs who remain attached to all major body parts. Regrettably, I must inform you that we failed to locate your compatriot shortly after he became melancholy; comparatively it is heartening to see that your mood has not been affected by the recent losses.
However, as part of emergency protocol, all surviving dwarfs must take on responsibilities of those deceased: I have personally granted you access to every dwarfish labor. I apologize for any inconvenience and wish you the best of luck.
Sincerely,
The Administrator
P.S. There are 0 units of food and 6 units of booze remaining.
Post by: Tcei on November 22, 2010, 09:37:52 pm
I realize that training green recruits is a tiresome task, however, choosing to go to bed and leaving the new recruit to handle the ogre invasion by himself is not an effective way to train him. For your sake be thankful that he managed to land a lucky blow, despite having broken both arms and a leg, as well as cracking his skull among other injuries. The cost of feeding him untill he heals will be coming out of your rations.
Sincerely,
Your benevolent caretaker.
____
Dear Elephant Herd,
Thankyou for falling so nicely into my traps! It is, however, counter productive to your species to be all male. In future migrations please bring along at least one female.
Post by: Cespinarve on November 22, 2010, 09:56:29 pm
Dear Sir or Madame,
As you are aware, in the late summer of this year, the law-giver of your civilization, one Ikar Oririnih, arrived at our fair fortress, whereupon on cresting the mountaintops and viewing the valley of my home, she fell dead. It has recently reached my ears that the fine people of The Glowing Unions "suspect The Seal of Ages" as being involved with her death. We find this insinuation most preposterous. It is simply criminally irresponsible of any organization to allow a human woman of 119 to depart on so strenuous a journey on her own and expect her to do as well as anyone even half her age. We are no more complicit in her death than we are in the lifespan of mayflies.
I have the honor to remain, yours most faithfully,
Loki Ostarled, first Baroness Arkelgoden, Rareroped, 29th Galena, 1055
Post by: Greiger on November 22, 2010, 10:14:53 pm
4 years now a caravan has arrived in the area near the fortress in late summer. And for the third year in a row that caravan has been set upon by hordes goblins and orcs.
It is obvious at this point that the goblins and orcs decide to show up on the last month of each season. Did it ever occur to you to send the caravan a month early so that they would arrive BEFORE the invading hordes? Or better yet, a month late so that they can both arrive and depart unmolested? I'm just sayin'...
If you do decide to continue sending the caravan at the same time please order them to arrive from the same path every year. I try to defend them, but there is only so much I can do when your merchants apperantly decide to circle the site a few times before entering from a random direction.
Until one of these issues are dealt with, you are on your own until you enter the fortress gates. I'm going to stop risking soldiers on wild goose chases. We don't need you. We have enough livestock to feed 300 Dracon indefinitely. If you can't be assed to make some sensible decisions, we aren't going to go out of our way to supply you with your gem studded thong needs.
Sincerely
The administration of SmolderCrater.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on November 23, 2010, 08:34:05 am
While I understand that the death of a loved one is very traumatizing, rest assured that your husband's heroic death in the Great Crundle Wars of 1057 was not forgotten. As you will notice, he has been buried in the warrior's Hall of Honor. As such, I have found it highly inappropriate that, during your tantrum, you decided to punch your babies off the cliffs. Normally this would not bother me, but it is the fact that you also punched UristMcLegendaryAxedwarf's children (all five of them) into the magma moat as well that has worried me. As such, you are now head of the "Stopping Urist McLegendaryAxedwarf From Slaughtering the Entire Fortress Patrol", As you will see, you uniform consists of leather armor and a training sword, godspeed.
From,
The Administrator
(In case you were wondering, McSoldierWife killed 16 babies!!)
Post by: Greiger on November 23, 2010, 11:15:18 am
I am greatly dissapointed in your decision to charge ahead by yourselves to attack the swordmaster and spearmaster that were molesting puppy #23. It's a puppy, we have dozens more, once you are reduced to kibble I'm going to make sure one of the newbie stonecrafters engraves your memorial slab. No masterworks for...
...Congratulations on your rout of the orc sword and spearmasters. I'm sure if their weapons weren't made of copper it would have turned out differently. Your decision to chase them out of the fortress onto the bridge that happens to be overflowing with the rest of the orc squads is however not looked approvingly upon, once we collect all your pieces...
...
To Aujinat Righteoustangle the Primitive Treasures, and Urketh Flankwasp the Stirred Speeches of Reputing,
They are running away, you can stop slaughtering them wholesale now. There are already more than enough orc corpses to clean off the bridge, you don't need to make more.
Sincerely baffled,
The administration.
Post by: Ten_Tacles on November 23, 2010, 11:48:16 am
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY????
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Confused, your grant overmind.
Post by: Fortis on November 23, 2010, 11:55:12 am
If you insist on digging out a channel beneath your very feet, you deserve every z level of that 5 story drop. Enjoy being practiced on by the butcher-turned-bonesetter. It may take him a few tries to get it right.
Signed,
A very annoyed overlord.
Post by: schussel on November 24, 2010, 02:09:28 am
you were the strongest and the bravest warriors of your group .. and there were those evil Stranglers and later naughty frogmen invading to murder our beloved (joking here) kittens ...
you were heroes in your valiant charge of together with the rest of the full squad of conscripted axemen ... disabling each a wave of attackers alone ...
but well
how do you both manage to get lost of your big left toe to get it bitten off!!! or stabbed off by a wooden pike .. and now be invalided at the hospital ...
its a toe ..
how can there be a total leg nerve damage going up from there preventing you from leaving the bed anymore ... especially as you walked home with it and laid down into the bed yourselves ...
i sense a lazy pretender ...
your luck is that the hospital is in a crowded area i cant afford to submerge in lava ...
i hope you enjoy the company i built up in the future for you by creating the graveyard of the poor civilian dead of both sieges right next to your bed .. may they bring you joy
sincerely ..
a disappointed ruler
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 24, 2010, 10:52:51 am
Dear UristMcVeryUnhappy,
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Confused, your grant overmind.
Dear Overmind,
I just don't handle stress well. It even says so in my description. All the blue stuff in the world can't make me any less emo, but I imagine I can only go downhill from here.
Urist McNowSuicidal
Post by: Gr33kjester on November 24, 2010, 12:09:02 pm
I know there are only 7 of us, mining is slow, plus there are elephants running about in the distance, but FOR ARMOK'S SAKE, Urist McMetalsmith/Miner, STOP ATTEMPTING TO SWIM IN THE MURKY POOLS! DON'T THINK YOUR OK WOODWORKERS! You still have to make that temporary wall...
UNIONS ARE BAD, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MAKE ONE!
Apart from that, all is well...
Comrade 'Joseph' Gr33kjester
Post by: Nokiemens on November 24, 2010, 01:23:05 pm
Yes, I realize that the recent alcohol shortage is a problem. However, we have a store-room filled to the brim with plump helmets and empty barrels. I completely fail to see why you would complain about a lack of alcohol, and refuse to brew any yourself. Additionally, just because there's a pool of water next to you does NOT mean that you can piss in it, permanently contaminating our water supply.
Your pissed-off deity, Noki.
Post by: Naes Draw on November 24, 2010, 02:27:28 pm
I understand we are low on drinking materials, what with a temperamentally filled well, and limited booze. You however, have not grasped this.
Why, may I ask, did you two feel the need to tie up two of our buckets to do what appears to be watering the STONE trade depot? I've watched you for awhile now, and you are still going at it. If you can provide an explanation, I would be honored to hear it.
(I am dead serious here. They both have buckets, they go to the well, then to the trade depot, then repeat. There's no one in there. I also have a f'sking water shortage.)
Post by: Akura on November 24, 2010, 03:19:10 pm
Dear UristMcVeryUnhappy,I guess he really doesn't like miasma.
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Confused, your grant overmind.
EDIT rather than doublepost:
Dear Urist McFeyGlassmakermood,
Stop demanding raw green glass. YOU took over the only glass furnace, and you are of very little value to the fortress. Alright, fine, we built a spare one now, but you're lucky our Chief of Medicine has nothing to do. ... How much are you going to need?! What could you possibly need three of them for? And magnetite isn't a rock.
Dear Urist McFeyGlassmakermood,
A crown. Made of glass. With spikes of glass and limestone. Granted, you worked the image of a goblin kidnapper being torn apart by one of our swordsdwarves during The Attempted Abduction onto the spikes quite well. Although the graphic detail you put into makes me worry about you... Personally, I remember that goblin being either quickly beheaded or bisected fairly cleanly, not being exploded into an orgy of flesh, blood, and bone.
Signed,
A slightly bemused overseer.
Post by: Musashi on November 24, 2010, 05:51:31 pm
this is seriously like the 3rd letter to you.
DIAGNOSE. THE. GODDAMN. PATIENTS.
FEED. THEM.
AND. GIVE. THEM. FUCKING. WATER.
NO ONE DIED OF AN INFECTION YET HERE. IT IS A COMPLETE ABERRATION IN A DWARVEN HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. ALL OF YOUR PATIENTS THAT PASSED AWAY IN THE HOSPITAL DIED OF THIRST. THERE WERE MANY OF THEM.
I'm not sure I can completely blame you thought. First, because it was my fault for not disabling every single task except your job-relevant ones and assuming you'd possess the same sense of priorities that I have. Newbie's mistake I keep making because I forget every 5 minutes you bunch of suckers can only function while drunk. Secondly, because I was complaining about the huge amounts of migrants I'm getting, and you're actually kinda helping. Not that I hate migrants, not at all. Actually, the only thing I'm complaining about is that they have this strange tendency to be adequate at one useless skill, novice at two others, have leveled social ones, and be complete and unexpected waste of space, food, and unprogrammed-yet oxygen. In fact, most of them are skilled in the "liar" skill, which heavily leads me to believe they lied to whoever let them enter Windslap about their skills, which would make a lot of sense... wait, I'm disgressing again. So, any way I can get rid of them is welcome.
The real problem is that whatever job you're supposed to be doing, you're doing it wrong.
If you believe you are here to heal people, great, you manage to neglect them long enough for them to be dehydrated. I can't properly work on the water system and well in the hospital if all the workforce is dying, you know?
If you believe, however, that you are here to do something about the overpopulation, then you are terrible. The wounded take too long to die, and you really fail to make the deal impressive, because somehow, the guys who keep traveling here believe the hospital is not that much of a terrible place.
Take a decision quickly. I'm supervising this fortress because this is a Fun® break from reality. I'm not here to reenact the American healthcare system. You aren't supposed to behave like real surgeons.
No love,
Your Overseer who waits for the day one of you will be injured.
Post by: Skid on November 24, 2010, 06:52:04 pm
When I embarked in the middle of this frozen lake I was expecting to be accompanied by mellow kinds of dwarves that would all get along fine. Imagine my surprise when you show up and immediately take up a grudge with two others of my dwarves who you will be seeing every day for the entire summer while the lake is thawed and impassible.
I eagerly await your being dumped out an airlock.
--Your expedition leader
Post by: iyaerP on November 25, 2010, 07:00:49 am
While we all appreciate the fact that you are one of those rare nobles who can bestir herself to actually take part in the work that forms the industry that this fortress lives on, the outpost liason is here. We would all appreciate it if you would stop hauling rocks for five minutes to have a nice chat with him. I am sure that the elf has plenty of relevant things to say about our clearcutting operations.
May I remind you that it is our friends the elves who provided us with the means to create BEARMAGEDDON, the ultimate in war-bear-based fortress defences by providing us with that first pair of breeding grizzlies? I would hate for their ambassador to go crazy and for them to declare war like the humans did when you refused to meet with their ambassador and he eventually threw himself into the spiked moat.
In the interests of all of us, especially the animal trainers who look forward to adding even more deadly animals to our meagerie of death, please stop your otherwise-commendable hauling and jewelcrafting to meet with the elves so we can arrange for more deadly beasts.
Sincerily, The voices in your head.
edit: OMFG I just realized that that isn't an elvish ambassador. It is the DWARVEN one. From last fall. I think I might just cry now.
Post by: Mantonio on November 25, 2010, 09:09:49 am
SUTURE THOSE WOUNDS!
Goblins are attacking frequently, and I can't afford to have three soldiers in the hospital waiting for you to get off your lazy arse and do some doctoring!
God I wish I could hate you to death
-Administrator
Post by: Internet Kraken on November 26, 2010, 01:47:02 am
edit: OMFG I just realized that that isn't an elvish ambassador. It is the DWARVEN one. From last fall. I think I might just cry now.
Before Townbrush fell, I had 2 dwarven ambassadors both trying to meet with my mayor. Both from separate years. She was to busy training to ever take the time to talk to them, despite literally standing a foot away from both of them for over a year.
Post by: Terrahex on November 26, 2010, 02:57:28 am
No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa. It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.
sigged
Post by: Terrahex on November 26, 2010, 03:00:10 am
yes, I know there are groundhogs overthere, but that doesn't mean you should drop whatever you're doing and run away. they're harmless. furthermore, what's with all this releasing untrained animals when I tell you to bring them to the depot? If you are suicidal, please find a way to kill yourself without getting blood everywhere when you release that goblin. do you know that it will also kill other dwarves?
Sincerely,
Reallypissedoff
Post by: Javarock on November 26, 2010, 03:33:02 am
While im glad that you have a speicial bond with your animals, And others I suggest you leave them in your room, Instead of just leaveing them in the meeting room and the statue room, No I do not see a need for an animal to sit all day long forceing my hard at work dwarfs to crawl just to see statues... Or to have to eat on the ground in the meeting hall beacuse your horse decided to admire all of the
I will give you a month before I decide to tether down your animal, To a steel pike.
Sincerly yours,
Unknown Forces
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Urist McEngraver
While im glad that you enjoy and work faithfully in your line I must ask Why you feel the need to make pictures of elfs, Your imp god of fire, Eagles, Trolls, Ogres and what ever the hell creatures settleling down in the same reagon, I wish to ask WHY do you make these instead of dwarven victories, Or things of that nature, And on that note may I ask you why half way through a room you decide to stop and move to another or why you neglect the THREE TILES in a room that need to be ENGRAVED it would hardly take ANY of your time you waste sitting in the hall, I don't care if your enjoying talking to friends engrave the three tiles that stand out beacuse you engraved every thing around them
Sincerly yours,
Frusterated Expidition Leader.
Post by: Mantonio on November 26, 2010, 07:31:29 am
I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!
COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!
Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.
Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse
- The Administrator
Post by: Encased in burning magma on November 26, 2010, 07:46:04 am
- Rith Lolorngotol, Weaver and Ex-Speardwarf
I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!
COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!
Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.
Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse
- The Administrator
Cave-in him into the magma sea!
Post by: Mantonio on November 26, 2010, 08:10:32 am
- Rith Lolorngotol, Weaver and Ex-Speardwarf
I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!
COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!
Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.
Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse
- The Administrator
Cave-in him into the magma sea!
Oh I would, but I haven't found any magma yet. (Actually, I'm ashamed to say I've never found any non-volcanic magma EVER!) I haven't even gotten around to making a serious mineshaft to Down Below. But I will soon though. Maybe.
Post by: shadowform on November 26, 2010, 03:12:22 pm
I couldn't help but notice that you're a forgotten beast. Although I'm afraid you won't be terribly successful since you're an undulating blob of salt, I do thank you for at least bringing a shell to the fort.
Post by: Zrk2 on November 26, 2010, 04:22:59 pm
Post by: schussel on November 26, 2010, 08:11:44 pm
?
Dear Urist McZrk2 ...
despite your valiant efforts we do not comprehend your message .. what is the specific detail of your anger with your dwarfes or what do you not understand in this very thread?
we do meanwhile enjoy your masterful crafted questionmark felling quite ecstatic
Cheers .. one of the faceless mob named community
Post by: jaked122 on November 26, 2010, 08:22:11 pm
good job, all I can ask of you guys now is that you guys don't try to kill yourselves by getting stuck on the wrong side of the floodgate. Your thirst for booze is admirable, and the ability that you possess to recover from emotional pain.
Post by: Fisher-Risen on November 26, 2010, 08:37:02 pm
Dear Captain of the Guard,
It has come to my attention that there may be a problem with the way you enforce the justice of this home. While a righteous zeal is always appreciated, there is such a thing as too much force. In particular, complaints have reached our ears where your fellow dwarves claim that you have: (1) Chained prisoners together and watched them fight to the death (2) Executed unconcious dwarves in the hospital (3) Sentenced dwarves to years in prison for minor offenses like taking off their shirt, and (4) totally annihilated an entire fortress stuck in a tantrum spiral, leaving only yourself and your militia intact.
Signed with my dying breath, your mayor
This is from way bak, but it seems like a dream come true! No more coma dwarves in the hospital! No nudists who get infected because they don't wear clothes! Prisoner fights!! Totally a "Wait for migrants and rebuild" moment.
Post by: billybobfred on November 26, 2010, 10:22:56 pm
Okay. Look. The meat industry works like so:
- McHunter kills an animal, say, a mountain goat, and brings the carcass to the butcher shop.
- McButcher butchers the carcass, producing meat, bones, fat, hide, and chunks.
- You take the chunks and throw them away.
Post by: Crashmaster on November 27, 2010, 01:47:38 am
While I realize my anger at your lack of initiative regarding the mopping up of the countless pools of blood and pus surrounding the waterfall may have seemed harsh. I see right through your rebellious act of cleaning every last pile of mud from every farm plot in the fort mainly due to the fact that you left each non-farm plot tile in these very same rooms as muddy as it was.
Post by: schussel on November 27, 2010, 02:42:31 am
despite you spawning right next to the open fort entrance and a hot dwarfen tea + fresh kitten meat next to our warming cage traps you decide to roam the whole map to beat up any other bait animals then the 10 step away kitten ... thanks alot .. our dwarfes would like to have you acquainted in your new workfield (aka beat up prisoners) but now are confined to the fortress due to alert mode ...
please leave the poor elefant calf alone .. it wont die so easily (since you bashed it now for 3 months .. you should have gotten the point) .. and please proceed towards fortress and cozy lodging :)
greetings Urist Mc Overseer and the rest
Post by: Buckermann on November 27, 2010, 06:02:30 am
thank you for your continuing demands for aluminium items in your rooms. While we understand that the currently installed two dozen pieces of aluminium furniture are clearly inadequate for your refined tastes, we hope that until our
Love and kisses,
The Management.
Ps: since the cold season will start in just 11 months, we have ordered the construction of some heating installation to your rooms.
----------
Dear Urist McNobleFutureWidow,
We regret to inform you that your future deceased husband will have a terrible and unavoidable accident (involving some new heating installation), as soon as the mentioned heating installation is finished. Please start now to gather your various off-springs to prepare for your inevitable tantrum. It would be nice if you could kill no less that two, and no more than five of them; we are running out of coffins.
We appreciate your continuing co-operation in our collective, impending tantrum spiral.
Sincerely,
The Management.
Post by: Greiger on November 27, 2010, 10:06:52 am
Yes you are angry. It is perfectly understandable. The last ambush resulted in some really unfortunate preventable deaths. And you were tied up when you attacked one of the fortress guards (really great idea by the way).
But please stop attacking your pet dog. The dog is somehow complaining to the guard each time you do it, and your sentence has escalated from 20 days tied to a rope to 84 days and a beating.
The fortress is already balanced on the razor's edge of a tantrum spiral, if you end up starving or getting beaten to death it is not going to help matters.
Sincerely
The administration (who is barricading his front door)
Post by: EddyP on November 27, 2010, 10:08:32 am
Pull the lever. No, just pull it. I don't care if Urist McKeen, who is several minutes away, has bagsied it. Just pull the damn lever.
Post by: Greiger on November 27, 2010, 10:27:33 am
Thanks, it's not like we don't have enough invalids taking up hospital space, you just HAD to go and cripple the farmer by taking your pick to his upper spine didn't you?
At least when you took his arm off with yer next swing he didn't feel it.
P.S. To the rest of the fortress,
STOP TANTRUMMING! It isn't helping!
Signed,
The administration (safe in his bunker)
Post by: inteuniso on November 27, 2010, 10:39:55 am
In combat, dodging is an integral part of staying alive. This does not mean, however, to jump out of the way every time something swings at you. Especially if said combat is taking place on a staircase with an 18 z-level drop surrounding it.
Thank You,
The Administration
Post by: twilightdusk on November 28, 2010, 02:08:37 am
I appreciate you and the other 10 migrants who came to help my fortress this summer. However, respectful as your fishing skill is, I question the wisdom of coming to a desert with fishing as your only marketable skill.
From, the Overseer.
---------------------------
Dear Engravers,
Yes, I realize that this site was settled for a few days in year 103 before it was abandoned, you do not need to engrave this event over every single wall in the fortress.
From, the Overseer.
Post by: Samuel on November 28, 2010, 05:39:55 am
While I will cede that I probably should have made sure to cancel that Trader At Depot request, the fact that we murdered the merchants and stole their stuff might have tipped you off that we weren't in planning on any actual, legitimate trading. Now, mind you, that was in the beginning of summer. It is now mid autumn. Go get some sleep, Urist. You've earned it through sheer patience, if not intelligence.
Signed,
Your Concerned Overseer
Post by: Deus Machina on November 28, 2010, 10:00:36 pm
You have given birth consistently, at a hurried pace. I believe you even had twins at one point. Congratulations.
This letter began as a plea to explore the various and delightful uses of the materials supplied by the resident rubber trees or, alternatively, the stairs.
On the other hand, the last time I designated a wall to be removed, you saw fit to bring along your entire squealing mob of children and instruct them, and I don't believe I've ever seen walls come down quite so quickly.
Perhaps they will prove worth their booze, after all.
-Your overseer, trying to decide on the proper term for a group of dwarves.
Post by: Naes Draw on November 28, 2010, 10:11:16 pm
Post by: Deus Machina on November 28, 2010, 10:44:00 pm
Goblins would be a murder, like crows. Or, perhaps, a 'smear'.
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on November 29, 2010, 06:48:14 am
Post by: Rowanas on November 29, 2010, 07:03:58 am
After all, we already say "a bunch of dwarves".
Goblins are a horde.
Elves are a caravan, since they never show up any other time and the cheese-eating surrender-monkeys (elves, not french) are too timid to declare war.
Post by: Zrk2 on November 29, 2010, 09:31:28 am
Post by: Rowanas on November 29, 2010, 09:35:43 am
If you take their stuff but leave the merchants unmolested, they never attacked.
If you insulted them with your wood, took all their stuff and then killed them, they laid siege to you after 2 or 3 trading sessions.
Post by: Ovg on November 29, 2010, 10:08:36 am
Post by: Samuel on November 29, 2010, 08:49:54 pm
Elves are smears.
If the trap works right, ya.
Post by: GhostDwemer on November 29, 2010, 09:45:02 pm
You are also the broker. You may not like it, but you are. When I ask you to go to the depot, please go to the depot. Do not begin hauling items, making me turn off your hauling labors. And after I turn off all your hauling labors, please do not begin mining. I did that because I want you to trade, not mine. And when I turn off ALL your labors, please do not choose to harvest plants just because I have 'all dwarfs harvest' selected. I turned off all your labors because I want you to trade, not harvest plants. And when I put you in a warren consisting of only the trade depot, please go right there. Do not stop for a bite to eat first. You weren't too hungry to harvest plants and mine and haul just a few seconds ago. Finally, when you get done trading, you have a meeting to conduct, remember? Please do not fall asleep in the depot right in front of the liaison and the traders and the guards, it makes us look bad, okay? Just do your job or so help me Armok, the first immigrant with decent social skills shows up and you are getting the boot.
Post by: Ratbert_CP on November 30, 2010, 11:09:12 am
That's a good term. Crew, or mob, or gaggle.
Goblins would be a murder, like crows. Or, perhaps, a 'smear'.
We've used it as a term for a group of assholes, but "a stumble of dwarves" sounds about right, given their intelligence levels and alcohol consumption rates...
Post by: Mantonio on December 01, 2010, 09:20:06 am
Fix the swordsdwarf that saved your arse from zombie horses up. C'mon, you've got all the necessary health labours enabled (and by that I mean, all of them) you have plaster, splints, everything you need to fix his fractured foot and ankle. You've also had every other labour disabled!
SO
WHY
WON'T
YOU
FIX
HIM?!
Sincerely, the Administration (which is considering sending you to the Circus)
Post by: Fisher-Risen on December 01, 2010, 10:23:02 am
Please explain to me why my dual hammer wielding herodwarf is lying in the hospital WITH NO HEALTH PROBLEMS or PLANNED TREATMENT!
Yours truly,
Overseer
Post by: Samuel on December 01, 2010, 11:22:45 am
As my new archer squad, created out of a desperate attempt to stop a troll that could have caused serious trouble, I can forgive you making a few blunders. However, the sheer degree of your incredible incompetance has convinced me that I must point a few things out:
1. You are archers. That means I want you to kill things from a distance. I agree that it is not very dwarfy, but it is more dwarfy than being dead.
2. If you must try to kill a giant monstrous, tusked subterranian beast which has already earned itself a name by killing more experienced soldiers, attack it all. at once. Approaching it in single file so that it can give it's underground home a fresh coat of red paint accomplishes nothing.
3. Stop punching the damn thing in the arms, legs and torso. That just pisses it off. Try to actually hit it somewhere that will allow you to live long enough to get a second hit in.
4. I will cede that this is in no way your fault, but it peeves me off to no end that you actually managed to cherry tap that thing to death three z-levels or so from the surface, where it would have instantly fallen into the traps. You need to fight either a bit better, or a bit worse, and considering your jobs are about to be adjusted to "Cave-dwelling abomination bait", it'll probably be the latter.
Please consider these points while you lay chained in the caverns, whistling for giant cave spiders.
Your Overlord, sans patience,
Samuel
Post by: imperium3 on December 01, 2010, 11:57:26 am
Your efforts to help out Admiredale by mining in your spare time are much appreciated, especially as you are a legendary miner. While we extend our sincerest apologies for the channeling accident that occurred while you were making the power supply for the magma pumpstack, we do feel that your injuries would be recovered faster if you stopped staggering out of bed.
The Management
________________________
Dear Urists McDoctors,
No, your patients generally aren't resting after you drag them out of bed and slam them onto a bloodstained operating table. They're probably quite alarmed. But that doesn't mean you should give up and go for a drink, leaving them stranded on the bloody operationg table. At the very least put the poor dwarves back first. Even if they are noble. We haven't invented Marxism just yet!
The Management
Post by: Gr33kjester on December 01, 2010, 12:49:15 pm
Dear Urist McBaron,...
Your efforts to help out Admiredale by mining in your spare time are much appreciated, especially as you are a legendary miner. While we extend our sincerest apologies for the channeling accident that occurred while you were making the power supply for the magma pumpstack, we do feel that your injuries would be recovered faster if you stopped staggering out of bed.
The Management
________________________
Dear Urists McDoctors,
No, your patients generally aren't resting after you drag them out of bed and slam them onto a bloodstained operating table. They're probably quite alarmed. But that doesn't mean you should give up and go for a drink, leaving them stranded on the bloody operationg table. At the very least put the poor dwarves back first. Even if they are noble. We haven't invented Marxism just yet!
The Management
Very good...
...
Anyway, back on topic!
Dear Urist McMasons, BUILD THOSE DAMN HOUSES, AND STOP CREATING TRADE UNIONS, oh and Urist McChild, Good, everyone's happy due to your parties, but, F*CKING STOP THEM! Masons need to make houses...
Signed (In Person, be happy dwarfs),
Comrade 'Joseph' Gr33kjester
Post by: NobodyPro on December 01, 2010, 05:53:37 pm
I know that my great underground city is taking a lot of time to dig out, the wildlife has been interrupting everyone constantly and that your wife was so preoccupied at work that she stopped eating and died but I would really appreciate it if you would throw your tantrums in a way that wouldn't damage my trade relations with the Elves before I finish the defences. I appreciate that you took it upon yourself to smash the trade depot and flood the fortress with food and goods and somehow managed to punch a master swordelf to death while only losing your left arm but you are a farmer and everyones a little hungry. Stop being selfish, the military needs training and you don't. Anyway, 22 Dwarves have just arrived so go to a party and cheer up.
Sincerely, Nullus Corpus
---
(found posted on the local bulletin board)
Dear everyone,
I would like to inform everyone that you are spineless cowards. I understand that recent events may have left you fearing for your lives but cancelling things like drinking and hauling because of some fish is just plain cowardly. They aren't zombie minnows, they aren't skeleton minnows, they aren't even minnows. They're Harmless Minnows! Eat a rock and toughen up you elf-loving bastards.
Sincerely, Nullus Corpus
Post by: ancistrus on December 01, 2010, 08:53:48 pm
you claimed the craftsdwarfs workshop and brought raw adamantine in.
That is why I thought you were going to create some nice stone craft of trendemous value. That is why I granted you access to the entire Martyredkeys and all its wealth. You then proceeded to collect: 1 cut blue diamond, 1 rough faint yellow diamond, 1 steel bar, 1 platinum block and 180 elephant bones. Your work resulted in plain elephant bone statue.
I acknowledge my share of responsibility in this fiasco, but I am already sick of all dwarves in this fortress either creating useless artifacts and gaining useless skills or being possesed. You are to be made an example of. That is why you were sent to our entrance hall and dropped 6 levels.
Later:
Dear late UristMcLegendaryChild,
I was hoping you would be lying in hospital for several months, treated by dabbling doctors, trying to set your bones right and suture your wounds, but I admit that your alternative, namely falling unconscious on a trap with 10 masterwork iron trap components was even more amusing. Tiny bits of your body are being hauled to a -gabbro coffin- right now. Enjoy resting in the pet section of our catacombs forever.
Your Baron who has had it with those **** bonecarvers in this ***** fortress.
Proklínám, ty tvoje ústa proklínám....
PS: I hope you can see that your parents are still ecstatic.
Post by: thunderclan on December 02, 2010, 12:18:15 am
In case you're wondering why you've been moving in slow motion for the last couple years its because the sheer amount of stuff laying around has brought the entire world nearly to a halt! That is why I ordered you to dump all the junk into the magma pit.
That doesn't mean walk up the mountain to grab a rock, see a mountain goat, scream in terror and run back down the mountain.
Sincerely,
Your ever more annoyed Leader
Ps, The rumors of a room full of spikes are completely false. Anyone found spreading such rumors will be asked to report to the lower levels for a special job.
Post by: Flaede on December 02, 2010, 01:27:05 am
Congrats on the ironic name there, but what were you thinking biting the balor. You'd already cut off his massive flaming sword, and were wielding it, somehow still invisible while carrying a giant burning brand. Why did you not hit him with it, instead of biting him in the leg?
Congrats on surviving, though. Man. Impressive, but upon examination I notice Your Head Is Melted.
PS DUDE. your head isn't melted anymore. How'd you do that?
Post by: glopso on December 02, 2010, 03:04:04 am
Great job, you've been a good dwarf this year!
Post by: Mantonio on December 02, 2010, 08:05:55 am
To Military
BY ARMOKS FLAMING TESTICLES, JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? WHEN I DIRECTLY TELL YOU TO ATTACK THE BLOODY GOBLINS TEN URISTS AWAY, DON'T JUST STAND AROUND YOUR COMRADE WITH THE BROKEN LEG! DON'T JUST GO PUT ITEMS IN THE STOCKPILE EITHER!
KILL!
THE!
BLOODY!
GOBLINS!
GOD I HATE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH!
Screw you, I hope you all die horrible
- The Administration
Post by: Korva on December 02, 2010, 01:29:57 pm
You have held this office uncontested for several years now, and your love of steel has made you an extraordinarily easy noble to satisfy. Until now. I do not have reacher leather. I have never even SEEN a reacher, and I bet neither have you. If you think I'm going to lock up valuable soldiers -- who, I might add, aren't responsible for our lack of reachers in any way -- for 100+ days, you are a moron. Especially with all the goblin action we have going on here. Maybe you'd like to replace them on the front? You have no family nor useful skills, so do not tempt me into arranging my first ever "pesky noble disposal".
Go back to demanding steel items, or forbid experts of leather that we don't even have, for all I care. Else you may find yourself looking at the business end of a goblin mace before long.
Dear Militia,
When I order you to kill that goblin or move into the middle of the invader squad and start kicking arse, you are bloody well going to do so. ALL OF YOU. IMMEDIATELY. It is extraordinarily bad form to let only a few brave sods charge in while the rest of you stand back twiddling your thumbs for a minute until you deign to move. And no, "letting the newbies get some kills too" is not an acceptable excuse. HIKE, SOLDIER!
Post by: imperium3 on December 02, 2010, 01:33:54 pm
The militia commander's eye is missing! Don't you think that might be worthy of investigation?
The Management
PS If your incompetency continues then I'll be sending you down in the deep exploration squad...
Post by: Dakk on December 02, 2010, 01:46:09 pm
I would greatly apreciate if you stopped getting drinks and sleeping and actualy listened to my kill order so we can do something about that towering forgotten beast in the dining room.
Dear dwarves,
I know you're all scared of the goblins currently walking through the entrance hallway, but could ou please stop drinking and pull the lever that seals off the entrance and squashes them under strategicaly place drawbridges?
Dear siege operator,
Please remain on your post and use the small booze and food stockpile I made just for you instead of runnng 10 z levels to get some in the dining room. Also I'd also apreciate if you used the ballista instead of running when the creeps from the underworld try to invade.
Dear miner,
When I order you to channel a large area, please refrain from getting your fellow miners stranded in a small island in the center of the channeled area, it'd me save lots of time micromanaging.
Dear mayor,
This is a glacier, there's no sand for your glass throne here, fuck you.
Dear philosopher,
I know you loved your dog very much, but starting a fight to vent your feelings and crippling the jeweller doesn't seem like a very philophery thing to do.
Dear high master milker,
You're now an engraver.
Post by: Samuel on December 02, 2010, 03:10:30 pm
YOU ARE MADE OF SALT! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SWIM! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY STAIRCASE!
Signed,
A terrified surface-dweller
Post by: Musashi on December 02, 2010, 03:14:22 pm
Dear Forgotten Beast,You met it, too?
YOU ARE MADE OF SALT! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SWIM! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY STAIRCASE!
Signed,
A terrified surface-dweller
Dear ex-captain of the guard,
crossbows are for shooting. Same goes for artifact crossbows. No exception. The fact you became an elite crossbowdwarf mere frames before death will only affect your title in the otherworld.
Enjoy Heaven! Or Hell. Whatever. And don't come back as a ghost, or I will make you a slab, and this slab will be put in a very undignified place for the building destroyers to, well, destroy.
No love,
Your Overseer who shall finish her megaproject, whether you and the rest of you cretinous dorfs want it or not
Post by: Ze Spy on December 02, 2010, 06:04:36 pm
Look , When that forgotten beast that just can't die Came , i asked you to KEEP SHOOTING IT , not GO DOWN THERE AND TRY TO HIT IT
In short order , you've Pissed off Every single damn Axelord down there Hoping to Get a Weakened Forgotten beast and not a Goddamn Surprise of Getting Killed because they Though that The Forgotten beast had Bolts in him , Not scratches done by your damn Crossbow bashes
Idiot
--------------------------------------------------
To Urist McOhlookifoundasock
Right , i asked you to Get downhill for the sake of avoiding a Miner-class Loss when they are already rare , and the hell you did? you just stood there and looked at a sock while the Goblins advance on you
Thanks , now we have only one miner that couldn't even walk right
-That guy that Didn't even exist barking orders at you
Post by: Loyal on December 02, 2010, 06:21:34 pm
Look, I admit when I did wrong - I should have used a support to handle that cave-in instead of sending you to pick off the last connecting floor. I can understand if you're a bit angry with me for being responsible for the resulting broken leg and foot, and for not having a hospital set up to treat you. It was the beginning of the fort, sacrifices had to be made. I congratulate you on continuing to work in spite of your injuries, in spite of spending the first couple weeks randomly going unconscious from the pain.
But we have a working hospital now. There's no need for you to continue running around on that leg like that - please report to Doctor Bonesaw for treatment.
Post by: ZergSpartan on December 03, 2010, 04:05:05 am
Please pit the animals the elves have so kindly brought us (Right before they burst into flame) I have something special in mind for them.
-Love, The Overseer
Dear Invader McBuildingDestroyer,
Thank you for breaking down that door in the entryway for me, the
-Love, The Overseer
PS: Oooooh, Chunky Salsa!
Post by: Knick on December 03, 2010, 08:40:02 am
When Goblin ambushes appear at our relatively new fort, run. Don't stand there looking at flowers. Run. Run for the fort. Seriously--they're right behind. . .
Oh. Never mind. I guess I can just train a replacement.
Yours sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: Greiger on December 03, 2010, 10:42:42 am
You are an idiot. You are in the newly constructed animal airlock system. It is ready to be put into use. However for some reason you decided to walk into the butchering section when the bars were getting closed and got locked in.
So I opened up the lock to let you out. You refused to move. Then I ordered you to pull the emergency lever to open up the airlock on your side. You dutifully complied. And the bars opened. After that I ordered you to pull the lever inside the airlock, that was designed to close the bars behind you and lower the bridge so you could get out.
You pulled the lever...then immediately ran back into the room before the bars closed. What the hell is wrong with you? I reset the system and tried again, and again you performed with great stupidity. I assigned you to the newly designated "Cure for Stupid" burrow that was supposed to keep you from running back to your favorite spot. That also failed as you seem to be intent on ignoring burrow orders.
A door is being installed to prevent your new stupidity. I did not want to use a door, I thought the bars looked stylish but you have forced my hand. Should you somehow foil THIS system I am leaving you inside with all the animal crap to rot. I will place a memorial below the bridge where all the falling goblins go to die just so you won't haunt the animals for fornicating on your corpse after your death.
The administration
Post by: imperium3 on December 03, 2010, 11:49:26 am
It seems that not only were you a useless doctor, you also make an exceptionally disobedient soldier. I ordered you to explore the new layer of caverns we recently discovered. So why are you still wandering between the armoury and the booze stocks?
Please report to the magma cistern immediately for... cleaning duties.
The Management
_______________________
Dear Urist McMason,
Yes, it is a pretty waterfall. However it's also a leak in our new power generator. Stop appreciating it and seal the damn thing!#
The Management
Post by: Caesar on December 03, 2010, 12:13:50 pm
As highly valued member of the Fortress of Boundhatchet and the local government of The Tomb of Crows, you are expected to do a lot of good work to contribute to our ever-growing society. I am pleased to tell you that so far, your masterful armors and exceptional work have managed to amaze even the simplest of our Dwarven minds.
Yet I, your friendly overseer, have one point of criticism. Next time you get possessed and haul only one silver bar to the metalsmith's forge, please, just please, do not make it a silver one. I would also appreciate it if you would not immediately start the construction of your artifact armor using said almost useless metal. Last, but not least, I will have you demoted to goblin fodder next time you decide to not work on your artifact at all when I decide to forbid the useless materials you would have decided to use and then go stark raving mad.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Greiger on December 03, 2010, 07:36:07 pm
Congratulations, you have the largest number of kills for a military squad I have had the honor to command yet. All of you have a title, 3 of you have a notable killcount in the teens.
However your insistence of racking up kills is getting in the way of strategy. An Elite Crossbow Orc showed up leading a squad. I knew he would be smart enough to start firing on your position. I also knew you would not be smart enough to target him and only him, and even if one of you did decide to target him, he is surrounded byt a large wall of orc meat that would likely intercept the bolts before they reached him.
Naturally as an experienced and sane commander I ordered your squad to fall back. Allow the elite orc to pass into the killing fields, where the melee military would make mincemeat out of the crossboworc and his squad in the specially designed anti-archer room. You failed to comply.
The orc almost ran out of bolts before the slaughter of his fellows caused the retreat. 6 of you are laid up in the hospital and probably will be for some time for bolt extraction surgery. Vhisk is highly unlikely to ever walk again thanks to a bolt that cut the nervous tissue in his lower spine. And Captain Raerth is dead, bolt to the head.
Be glad that orc couldn't aim, or more of you would be testing out the roomyness of your tombs. Follow orders next time. Remember, your job can easily be replaced with magma.
The Administration.
------------------
Dear Designer of the fortifications above the front gate.
You are fired. Those fortifications didn't stop shit.
The administration.
-----------------
Post Script to the medical staff of SmoulderCrater
What the hell? I keep plenty of soap in stock, you have the opportunity to respond quickly to the wounded and do so. and 3 of the 6 recently wounded archers that have come into the hospital have infections?
That is a 50% failure rate! There were better odds of survival back before we HAD soap! And that's not counting the poor guy with the punctured liver you failed to even diagnose yet. The medical records show the use of donkey soap. But clearly somebody is either fudging the paperwork or you are all doing an incompetent cleaning job. Welcome to the military, be sure to collect your crossbows from the ex-military currently suffering slow painful deaths from infection.
You sicken me.
The (pissed off) Administration.
Post by: Falc on December 04, 2010, 08:09:37 am
When I ask you to dig a channel from point A to point B, it is not okay to dig from point A to one tile away from point B and then have the both of you run off to some other task I had given earlier which you hadn't finished either.
FINISH WHAT YOU START!
Post by: schussel on December 04, 2010, 08:18:27 am
you know we are leading in equal rights so we made you Captain because of your extreme high stats and your eagerness to kill off Goblins as a civilian. You were Axelord within 1 month training spearmaster within 1 more and you are an evil mean fighting machine. your Killcount after the last Invasion of Stranglers goes beyond the 20s.
We also are proud of your reproduction abilities. But .. dropping 2 Babies while training in the dangerroom is not too well. We feel with your for those instant losses (you should have seen it coming though). Since for being a women and an alcoholic dwarf your mood is going up between ecstatic and miserable that often we decided to relieve you from the military so you can enjoy doing nothing until you die or flip out.
Please accept the nice Obsidian Statue to your room as a bonus present and be assured, should the evil tantrum demon or the ghosts of your kids (as you know we encourage to not bury any dead) find you the new Guard Leader and his 4 soldiers + the newborn Spear squad will release you from your misery swiftly and with maximum gore. So be aware we took away all your steel armor and weapons for your own safety.
Happy looming in despair
the Administrators
PS: there you go .. murdering that poor cat and going berzerk ... ok 300days in prison for the berzerk thing and -100 for killing that darn kitten .. enjoy your stay
Dear New Captain of the Guard,
that sobbing thing there is your predecessor. Watch her closely as shes legendary in 4 weapons, armor,dodging,striking,fighting and shieldbearing. We hopefully managed to strip her of everything but that doesnt include her stats that are far superior to yours... so any mad Wrinkle in her eyes is to be answered with full force of all your soldiers. Squad B is instructed as well to support you .. the construction of a siege engine in the Dinenr room would be adviseable i know but well colateral damage is a somewhat issue. Good Luck and dont trip stepping in those footsteps
the Administrators
PS: Cudos to your engagement when the suspect went berzerk wrestling the dead cat off her hands and beating her to submission so you could jail her... we appreciate
Post by: alesia on December 04, 2010, 02:09:04 pm
While I appreciate your attention to detail in studding and embellishing your metalcrafts with various bits of stone, wood and cloth, I would like to point out that the dwarves of Dallithosed only purchase said metal goods in order to melt them down for the component bronze, mithril, etc. While we are happy to load you down with a plethora of glass whatsits in exchange for your metals, however overpriced they may be, your own citizens may appreciate them more than ours, as the stuff just ends up at the bottom of the volcano anyway.
Your friend in
The Management
Post by: Musashi on December 04, 2010, 02:25:35 pm
you are actually a marksdwarf. Crazy, huh?
The oddly-shaped metal thing in your hands... that's a bismuth bronze crossbow I stole from a corpse. Not a war hammer. Really.
Do not complain if you ever happen to be standing too close to the Forgotten Beast and having your left hand torn off. Oops, that is exactly what just happened!
At least you're not clogging my already crowded hospital. Hope being a cripple helps you understand how to load and shoot a crossbow properly.
Welcome to the ranks of the Scarred of Windslap,
your Overseer
Post by: ZachUSAman on December 04, 2010, 03:28:00 pm
I never thought I would be addressing you in such a manner, but it seems that times change.
As one of the original seven, and notably, one of the only surviving ones you were by far the greatest. You led the group to my humble mountain and your mining abilities made quick work of the rock before us.
As our fort grew, you grew from a respectable dwarf to a great leader, and I was honored to make you mayor.
When we needed a depot? you built it and became the legendary broker. When the military was defeated by deer? you led them to reform, and at the front of the group you took, nay, destroyed a dragon and raked up a very nice 30 kills.
When the time came for a Baron to be chosen, I turned to you once again expecting nothing less than the greatness you have shown before and for a while it was apparent I had not chosen wrong, but you changed.
The first signs were the demands for adamantine, but I can relate because I too want some adamantine, would be great for the military. We didnt meet your mandates but I made up for it by giving you an artifact quality bed and statue, the one we got from the bronze colossus (you remember because you helped slay it).
The next signs came from the excess amount of breaks and sleeping. Perhaps you were overworked, so I relieved you of military duty and mayor duty.
The final straw came when the dwarves came loaded with iron and steel and valuables we desperately needed. You however decided to go from break to drink to eat to sleep in a perfect cycle, oblivious to the merchants waiting to trade. Finally before they left I managed to get a dwarf there and buy our supplies, but at nearly twice what I could have gotten them.
Then you decide to seek justice against our armorsmith who "wronged" you by not making you adamantine items by having him beaten. However, you decided that the dwarf named MCHAMMER, whos got a named shield, steeel hammer, and 60 kills to his name was suitable to dispense justice.
needless to say the armorsmith died, and now we are left with a rookie armorsmith and an army in need of steel armor.
I am going to make rooms, and I will fill these rooms with water and drown nobles in it. I will either make you the first to go in it or I will fill it with corpses and let you think about what you've done while staring at the corpses. maybe it will encourage a change in thought.
P.S urist mcjanitor
clean up the fucking fort. we have had 3 of these dang spewing bosses which resulted in literally everyone throwing up. its nasty and it doesnt help that the vomit is colored brown so it looks like we suddenly had a massive fiber binge.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 05, 2010, 03:44:00 am
Please run physicals on all the dwarves currently in military service. We just lost seven men to a goblin ambush that turned into a larger force than the sieges I've seen, and all but two were by a single goblin. Said goblin either has more surgical experience than you do, or we have an outbreak of inflamed pancreaseseses... Pancrei?
Whatever, I would honestly expect the dwarven liver to be a much larger target, but Stosbub McStabby over here just handily perforated five separate dwarves' pancreasticles. Start checking for that before admitting dwarves into the military.
--Your overseer, inspecting himself for lumps.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 05, 2010, 03:46:55 am
I know that you have trained for years for your first conflict, practicing every day for hours in that sweaty steel armor. I must congratulate you for killing 4 ambushes all at once, the whole 10 of you.
But getting your ass handed to you by a single trollkin who isn't even wearing armor is just unacceptable. You won't be buried.
Post by: Corona688 on December 07, 2010, 12:11:19 am
I mean more like "stop being interrupted by something that's not currently hurting you".I once had a miner who was missing an eye. He was the best miner ever because he couldn't see harmless moles across the chasm.
Post by: Samuel on December 07, 2010, 06:27:18 am
You certainly showed cleverness in diving into the water to escape the troglodytes. Never mind that our best soldiers were already curb stomping the ugly bastards and probably would have saved your ass if you'd just stayed put. I mean that, it was a clever strategy. I only have one small complaint: Would it not have been a better idea to jump into a place you new you could eventually swim out of? No? It had to be a spot you'd inevitably drown in three tiles away from an upward slope out of the pool? Fine then. I'll see you in Hell. No, literally, that adamantine you were mining before the troglodyte attack is probably part of a shaft. We're basically poking a nuclear bomb with a stick at the moment.
Signed,
Your Overlord
PS Your body will not be retrieved.
Post by: Vorthon on December 07, 2010, 08:53:24 am
I let it slide at first. But you just had to keep doing it. Over and over and over and over and over. I swear if any of you spam the annoucement log with Urist mcDwarf, whatever Cancels Clean Self: Area inaccessible, I will turn on the tap for the new farming plots and leave it on until you all drown. Seriously! There's plenty of soap! How the hell do you have trouble reaching your own bodies? I mean, sure, the broker's missing a hand, and the manager's missing her entire left arm, and there's that one peasant whose right arm is just kinda dangling there because of the severed nerve, but you've all got at least one functioning hand!
sincerely, your increasingly pissed off overlord.
Post by: charred_gp on December 07, 2010, 10:39:25 am
You know that room with the archery targets? The ones you can TRAIN at?! Go there. I heard they are particularly vulnerable to the 200 frigging bolts we have set aside SPECIFICALLY to shoot at the targets.
P.S. Please tell Urist McQuiverless that taking your quiver off during training is a bad idea.
Post by: Samuel on December 08, 2010, 10:18:05 am
Dear God in Heaven, lady. They traded the coins before you even prohibited it. They traded the coins before you even became a noble! I'm sure it sends a great message to everybody that the first thing you've ever given this fortress is a hallway full of dead people.
Signed,
Your Overlord who really regrets not building that prison.
Post by: VonCede on December 08, 2010, 05:24:01 pm
You really make your squad name stand. I just can't express how I ave your lostness. Ordered to guard the small burrow that is split half with fortification, staring those two Ogres standing there in other side. Fidgeting your crossbows in your sweaty little palms and counting those wooden and bone bolts in your cat skin quivers. I know, there is 25 of them there, I counted them myself too.
But can you please fire them? Like you did 2 months ago? Do you remeber that? Bolts sticking out from bleeding and screaming ogres that tried to claw their way trough the fortification? Or did you drown your last two semifunctional braincells in dwarwen wine while you were not on active duty last month?
I even gave you an order to kill them but you still stand there staring them while they make rude gestures to you, your thumbs up in your..
Nevermind, just go to stand station in DAS landing area , I'm pretty sure there will be some gobling snatchers coming there. Then we shall see how "Lost" you really can get.
Yours truly.
PS. Stop dropping your equipment there. Haulers are still scared about those living Ogres.
Post by: Rhaken on December 08, 2010, 06:46:53 pm
Congratulations on being the sole survivor of the MEG (Mirrorbeards Entrance Gauntlet). The skeletal elephants and troglodytes down in the pit you are currently locked in managed to slay every single goblin that fell inside, mounts and all. They even broke your leader's brain, thus routing the entire remainder of the sieging force.
You, however, managed to not only outlast your peers, you managed to defeat the entire horde of undead locked in there with you. And with a broken lower spine, no less. The dwarves of Mirrorbeards salute your skill, bravery, tenacity, and sheer fucking balls.
In case you are wondering, the cacophony going on beyond the floodgate is the Mirrorbeards animal trainer, taking down the wall that keeps the pit permanently locked, surrounded by his entire rabid horde of wardogs. Rest assured, however, that they are not there to kill you. Due to your bravery, the dwarves of Mirrorbeards have decided to set you free. Go home and tell your tale to the world. You deserve it.
Sincerely and in awe,
the Administration of Mirrorbeards
Dear warriors of The Armored Ignition,
Report to the MEG maintenance shaft immediately. The time has come to clean out the skelephant pit. Be wary of the goblin crawling around on the floor. That one goblin single-handedly wrecked all the undead we had locked up inside.
Hop to it,
the Administration of Mirrorbeards.
Post by: Ze Spy on December 08, 2010, 08:23:19 pm
Heck no , that room is for our Veteran and Last remaining founder Ancient Hell , who had went in and out of Hell without getting killed and taking down the whole Demon army with his own damn hands , and also protected the fortress from Numberous Skeleton Sieges , While YOU are just the idiotic noble that comes along and demands the best shit
I hope you don't mind that i installed a Magma flooder in your room and Locked you in , have fun while it lasts , dumbshit
-Demigod that controls the fortress , With the last part written by Ancient Hell
To Urist McCheesemaker
No , no , there are no maggots in here , haul your ass to the do-it-yourself execution chamber
-That guy from the future controling the fortress using a computer
Post by: Deus Machina on December 09, 2010, 02:30:12 am
Seriously, what's the issue here? Nothing I tried to trade to you is wood. They're all stone crafts and cat-skull totems. I can see being upset a bit over the totems, but those used to be kittens, not trees. Deal with it, you pale pointy-eared pansies.
Fine, if you're so upset, we're going to lower the entrance bridge so you can leave. See how much you prefer that over our safe, warm depot.
Your next caravan will remember you by the fancy new totems we give them. We'll tape your dried ears onto them just to get the point across.
Have fun with the goblins out there, pusscakes.
-The overseer, who never looked forward to taking your -featherwood piccolos- quite so much.
Post by: ext0l on December 09, 2010, 03:44:04 am
STOP USING THE WOODEN SPEARS AND PICK UP THE ADAMANTINE ONESSSS
Thank you.
Post by: Ze Spy on December 09, 2010, 06:29:13 am
Die already
-your Annoyed Demigod
Post by: ungulateman on December 09, 2010, 07:00:37 am
Stop with the skill rust and the attribute decay. I mean it.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 09, 2010, 07:14:31 am
When you get pissed off over me trying to trade you wood (which I didn't do; sorry for leaving my few thousand logs surrounded the depot, you hippies) and announce that you've started on your journey, that means you actually have to leave. You can't sit exactly where you were, lean your head around a corner, see the goblins rushing toward the drawbridge (that I lowered for you, you idiots), and announce "Oh, well, never mind." and sit right where you are.
Get over your damned righteous tree-hugging camelpiles and trade, or leave. You have until this wall around you is finished to pick one.
Post by: CapnUrist on December 10, 2010, 03:52:49 am
As the first dwarven child this Overseer has had the pleasure to witness entering a strange, secretive mood, I am both enraged and crestfallen at your decision to demand shells from a fortress miles from either river or ocean. However, I have decided that the event warrants celebration nonetheless. I thereby bestow upon you three of our finest war-dogs, to cherish and love until the day you die. Also, I feel the need to inform you that your father loves you very much, and will think of you often when he isn't admiring the Magma Smelters.
Sincerely,
Your Benevolent Overseer
P.S. We're locking the door to your workshop merely to ensure that no one disturbs you while you bond with your new pets.
Post by: The_Final_Stand on December 10, 2010, 12:20:14 pm
Please keep your loved ones outside of the danger room. It is named that way for a reason. I will not be sympathetic if your child is impaled on a spike because they couldn't tell that spiky = bad.
Sincerely
The Administration
Post by: Musashi on December 10, 2010, 12:24:00 pm
STOP SLEEPING AND DRINKING. YOU HAVE ONE DIPLOMAT AND ONE OUTPOST LIAISON FROM LAST YEAR WAITING TO FINISH PROMOTING YOU INTO A BARON. Geez, you really ARE a spoiled teenager.
Love,
Your Overseer who only likes you for your easily satisfied mandates and bans.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 10, 2010, 10:44:16 pm
Fuck you. Okay, sure, we couldn't meet your demands for the arachna silk items.
Or the zinc items.
Or the mini-forges.
Or the gauntlets.
But that doesn't mean pick 4 random dwarves from our dining hall and sentence them to 101 days in prison! You took our best furnace operator, our best miner, our best armorsmith and some random engraver! I hate you so much right now, please report to the caverns immediately, no don't mind the giant skinless iguana with exterior ribs and a giant stinger.
Post by: Horizon9 on December 11, 2010, 12:59:53 am
Your efforts in the expansion of this fortress are, or were, admirable. The higher-ups are pleased with your work, and if you were still alive, we would have compensated your discovery of an underground cavern with a refurbished living space. However, you somehow managed to trap yourself underground before said discovery, and you proceeded to die from dehydration. The entirety of The Fortress Of Silence mourned your death as much as appropriate. Which was not much.
We do not accept carelessness within The Dark Silence. Your corpse will be retrieved when needed. Your associates shall not be as careless as you were, on pain of death. You will not be buried within a tomb.
Consider your orders more thoroughly next time.
The Dark Silence
Post by: Samuel on December 11, 2010, 02:14:53 am
Now, I'll cede that the whole broken spine thing is probably my fault. I'll admit I should have made sure to have a hospital set up early, given my track record with dwarves getting critically injured. However, I think you should be aware I was only seconds late getting the well built that probably would have saved you. Which brings me to how I dealt with your body.
Getting dumped into a volcano seems a very dwarfy burial ritual, does it not? Like, when you get to the afterlife, and everybody's all "Yeah, I was in coffin #42" And you'd be all "Yeah? I got dumped into a volcano."
But if you insist on a memorial slab, fine by me, I guess. We here at Clasplake have a progressive attitude towards you "Elf-In-Dwarf-Body" types.
Signed,
The guy who's taking your slab down immediately after it's built, just to see if you come back.
Post by: Tarran on December 11, 2010, 02:32:55 am
When I set the civ alert status to PANICSTATUS, I want you to run to burrow 1. Not run around completely avoiding the safety of the fortress and get slaughtered like an IDIOT.
Signed; your overlord/god/personthatcontrolsyouallthroughagame.
Post by: Dr_Pylons on December 11, 2010, 02:38:21 am
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP STANDING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF SHIT I'M TRYING TO WALL OFF I'M FUCKING SICK OF HAVING TO STOP CONSTRUCTION EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU TRY TO BUILD A WALL WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY THERE IS AN INSIDE AND AN OUTSIDE AND I'M PRETTY FUCKING SURE YOU KNOW WHICH IS WHICH
SINCERELY,
;LKDSAJFL;SKDJF;ALKSJDF;LAKSJDFL;AHSGREUAHYEWSIOPUYTFA
Post by: Deus Machina on December 11, 2010, 06:40:12 am
Ahem.
Dear Urist McMayor,
You like your amulets. That's great. You should share the wealth of them, instead of forbidding us to trade them.
The reason being, we have an abundance of amulets made from some valuable stones, by legendary stoneworkers. Very profitable at the worst of times, but now we have a trade agreement that plants them at 210% usual value. We would be rolling in our new steel goods.
BUT YOUR ARMOK-DAMNED MOTHER-- Ahem. You! You come sprinting to the depot (after nearly a month of breaks and feasts, nonetheless), screaming that we can't trade them. I should have tested the new depot entry bridge on you right then.
Whatever. We've been making some nice earrings and such, too. That would get us by.
But no, you had a goblin chasing after you. One single goblin marksman. Who is immediately pounced upon by the caravan guards. And this goblin, after being beaten into vomiting buy hammerdwarves vastly superior to our own military, manages to loose a single bolt. One. Only one.
And it goes clean into Urist McTrader's ear, and out the other. Which means we have no one to trade with. Which means we'll barely have enough rum and wine to get through the winter, and one of those delightful bolts and steel weapons and armor we waited a whole year for.
As a reward for your excellent leadership in this area, we are installing a window to the caverns in your quarters. We will be cutting the frame out tomorrow, and locking you in to enjoy the breeze until we return to finish the job about ten minutes after that forgotten beast finishes the new coat of Mayor Red paint.
Bastard.
Post by: Krath on December 11, 2010, 06:56:32 am
I commend you on your swift work mining out the future reservoir for our well. It filled up from the nearby brook and sits below our hospital waiting to be used.
However, you seem to have mined out something wrong. You somehow caused a cave-in and you're now unconscious, stuck in a rapidly filling channel. Your stupidity has been noted and a gift of 500 Dorfbucks has been sent to your widow and children as compensation for any lack of intelligence that your children might show in the near future.
From, your rather angry overlord.
Post by: Fortis on December 11, 2010, 03:47:36 pm
I know you aren't the most socially adept member of the fort. Grudges with you have always been a problem. But I find myself wondering JUST WHY THE HELL DO YOU FORM A GRUDGE WITH A FOUR YEAR OLD GIRL AND HER TWO YEAR OLD INFANT SISTER!?
I swear to Armok, you even look at them cross eyed, and I will personally see to it you die slowly and horribly.
Sincerely
Your ever watchful (and vengeful) overlord.
Post by: Harbinger on December 12, 2010, 12:24:58 am
I give my condolances to you, on your recent losses in your family. Both of your parents were among the founders of Icecrown, and valuable miners. Your father
I fear I must also announce the death of your husband. He passed when
As for you, it was easy to decide whether or not you become an axedwarf or miner. Since your husband is already dead, all that is left is you.
Get the pick and report for mining duty on the magma project.
The Overlord.
P.S. I like irony.
Post by: Eric Blank on December 12, 2010, 01:10:00 am
Please, while tantrumming and en-route to a meeting with the psychiatrist, refrain from toppling any building you happen to walk upon. We really don't enjoy reconstructing every single workshop in the work area just because they was "in your way." And what Kogan said to you does not constitute a hammering.
Your calm and slightly amused administrator.
Post by: Graven on December 12, 2010, 10:13:41 am
Please do go on and tantrum for the sixth time. By no means have I specifically stationed you in a burrow containing a single, locked empty room when I noticed your severe unhappiness. Even more so, please do go on and wreck that support
That is all.
PS. that has nothing to do with you with wasting adamantine bars for your mood resulting in a non-weapon or armour. At all. You have my word for it.
Post by: Johnfalcon99977 on December 12, 2010, 11:50:08 am
It has come to my attention that you have withdrawn from everone else and have been working on something. The problem is that you done this while the traders were here and they had valuable reasourses. Such as beer, which we've had a shortage of. Of course, you did create a very fine trinket, but we have plenty of those. The problem is mainly that, when you were done, you went to the dinning room and proceeded to say some..... unpleasant things about me, my wife, and children. You also quite futher wasted our beer supples in the act. All the time, the traders were still waiting while I clearly requested you to go to them. All you did was scream in my face with awful breath say that I was some rather nasty things. So, I have striped you of your broker status and had you reassigned to a more proper one. Which is the adamantine extraction.
No no no, not the safe adamantine. The one thats surrounded by magma. And at the slightest misplaced pick could mean a firey and painful death. You have also been moved to the bad side of the fort. You know, the side that floods occationally because of flauty design? You have also been moved in with your
"With Love"
Urist Mc Leader
P.S. Revenge is ever so sweet
Post by: Zidane on December 12, 2010, 12:57:39 pm
I but you near my winding entrance tunnel to ward off kobalds and warn me about goblins. You failed in that first task horribly, I mean, how do you get one shotted by a kobald? And How did It reach your head?
I am disappoint.
Post by: Xzalander on December 12, 2010, 03:52:41 pm
While I appreciate your impressive artwork of canals and the human Venice style design, I do not appreciate you neglecting all your duties just to dance in the central garden in the middle of a siege.
We have a fortress with a single entrypoint for a reason. We as a city might have chosen to follow the path of Surface Dwarves, but I assure there is nothing dangerous in that fortress. The next time the lonely Beacon Guard lights the Pyre and blows the Horn of Armok you get your butt inside so we can seal the doors.
While we appreciate you managed to stay alive by jumping into the Channelflow that leads to the Pumping Filters and enter the fort that way, thus showing us a possible loophole, we do not appreciate having 17 out of 24 dwarves in hospital for Water damage to their lungs and digestive tracts.
The next time you try such a stunt I shall cease the water pumps in the filter chamber and let you drown.
Your Benevolent Benefactor.
Post by: schussel on December 13, 2010, 05:27:36 am
you are an idiot ... taken for the job the replace the one not magmaproof hatch at the magma psiton .. and you manage to fall 100z-levels ... unfortunately your death was swift und fiery ... undeserved.
laughing mad
the Administrator
Dear Former Mayor of the Fortress,
you had to do it, hu? first you want steel items when our forge is not anywhere near ready for 3 steel axes .. and you even manage to incarcerate the only legendary miner we had disposable right at the start of the magma piston project (you know that 100-z-lvl digout). and then you get the mood to demand aluminium stuff where the whole map lacks of it ... well how do you feel now locked under the trade depots bridge with that annoying liaison .. lets see who dies of thirst first or goes berzerk
hating your existence
the Administrator
Post by: Xzalander on December 13, 2010, 08:37:33 am
Instead of complaining of thirst get digging to redirect the damn river! Once its redirected you'll have a fresh flowing source of water and fish THROUGH the fort!
Your annoyed, but still benevolent benefactor.
Post by: Keldane on December 13, 2010, 08:00:59 pm
I realize you really do not want to meet with the outpost liaison. It was evident when, despite having every labor turned off, you insisted on hauling things around. However, it is utterly unacceptable - if hilarious, in the short term - for you to trick the liaison into standing on the wrong side of the floodgate you're currently installing. I am sure he will have some words for you when he is released.
Sincerely,
The Management.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 14, 2010, 08:02:25 am
Okay, after loosing a couple immigrant waves to constant goblin ambushes, and you being the sole survivor of one, I thought you might actually have a useful skill as our first animal trainer, even if you were only dabbling.
Great job practicing on a couple wardogs first. Remind me to actually issue them to the military.
One animal, though, I can't bring myself to issue.
I know it didn't get into the depot, and I'm absolutely certain I didn't see it in one of the goblin-razed carts, or come in with the elves, and it didn't even show up on the list of creatures and goods until you trained it.
So I'm forced to assume that you decided to stop messing around with the dogs, went out, and drug a live and very healthy tiger back by the tail, and trained it into a war animal.
This war tiger has been prowling around the bridge for the last couple monthes, and has more than proven its worth. One ambush wave only took one shot at it before running.
Report to your newly engraved rooms. Your bed has been replaced with the newest artifact bed, green glass with a silver scene of the local god of murder striking down goblins. All the rest of your furniture is masterwork marble.
Enjoy your promotion, Urist McBadass.
Post by: Musashi on December 14, 2010, 08:10:03 am
please stop coming if you're not at least Adequate in a useful skill. I am tired of seeing you're barely novice at your job. Beside, "Milker" isn't useful here. "Strand extractor" isn't either. Nor is "Fisherdwarf", or "Fish Cleaner", or anything to do with fish.
It is entirely your fault if I have made a squad just for you unskilled rookies. You're all good meatshields, than I can give you. Every single one of you is otherwise a waste of (unbuilt) bedroom, food, booze, and FPS.
Hope you'll understand,
Your Overseer who wonders if you are all from Boatmurdered or Headshoot or something that would make you think my fortress is safer.
Post by: Flaede on December 14, 2010, 12:31:24 pm
Dear Urist McBrokerandLeader,
I realize you really do not want to meet with the outpost liaison. It was evident when, despite having every labor turned off, you insisted on hauling things around. However, it is utterly unacceptable - if hilarious, in the short term - for you to trick the liaison into standing on the wrong side of the floodgate you're currently installing. I am sure he will have some words for you when he is released.
Sincerely,
The Management.
Oh, that is awesome.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on December 14, 2010, 12:37:26 pm
Dear Urist McAnimaltrainer,
<hopy shit>
Enjoy your promotion, Urist McBadass.
Awesome.
Post by: Xzalander on December 14, 2010, 01:11:16 pm
You are hereby cordially invited to the End of Year Celebratory Awards!
After a single year many commendations have to be made so as your benefactor I have decided to host a Show.
The Bi-Annual Fame Awards; Programme Sheet Below
The Bi-Annual Fame Awards are to the last for the duration of the Whitefalls. Assuming all work has been completed regarding food, drink and security you will all be permitted to party without work until Springrise.
At the awards the following Titles will be endowed upon notable persons. If your name is listed it is imperative you attend, make yourself available and remain alive until the end of the awards. Failure to comply will result in Hammering and your name being placed in the Hall of Grudges.
FreeMason Award: Urist McMason: Awarded; Gem Encrusted TombHall for himself and his progeny.
McMason has to date massproduced over 4000 wall units, 400 Phylacteries (Coffins) and 600 Tombstones (Slabs). 300 Phylacteries were to Masterwork quality and 450 Tombstones were to Masterwork Quality.
BigMac Award: Urist McBigmac: Awarded; A New Engraved Kitchen with Masterwork cut Windows and a Orthiclase Artifact Mill.
McBigmac to date has produced over 1,000 Prepared meals over 300 of them Legendary quality. he was primarily awarded this award for showing the audacity to cook the blood of a Oil Forgotten Beast into the last batch of pies.
Green Thumb Award: UristMcPlumphelmet: Awarded; The promise of the first set of Adamantine Armour, or if after his death burial with a Adamantine Sword.
McPlumpHelmet was awarded as such because he kept the fort in food of various types, in cloth and rope through everything as the sole living farmer. He even continued to farm the Strawberries and wheat in the semi protected open air farms during a siege.
Wethead Award: Urist McMiner: Awarded; 4 Statues and an artifact bed and Legendary status.
McMiner has been the only miner to date to break wetwalls. All other miners were conveniently busy when it was required, even Legendary McMiner Sr. For this we commend you for even managing to swim through the 4/7 torrents to survive to repeat this action for a total of 7 times.
And finally...
The Hammering Award: Urist McTrapper: Awarded; A Noble Hammering
McTrapper you are hereby sentenced to a Noble Winter before being hammered and dropped into the Qargle pit. You are the only trapper who manages to consume his entire supply of bolts, scream for more before tantruming and kicking over four barrels of ale before setting it alight.
As you should know the burning of any Dwarven Wine, Ale or Spirits is a punishable offence. The only reason we are offering you a Noble Winter before Hammering is that it coincided with repelling a Siege invasion through our Farms.
That is all.
Post by: TolyK on December 14, 2010, 03:06:31 pm
especially the last one ;)
Post by: Unforgiven on December 14, 2010, 04:44:29 pm
Who the hell said you can go near my fort?
I truly hope you understand what I am talking about - so you can stop coming without being invited.
Post by: tolkafox on December 14, 2010, 07:39:18 pm
I would just like to start that this was a hard year, and the large influx of migrants has put a strain on our food supplies. However, as you already know, we have no more wood to use and are short on barrels and booze. I was really relying on this years caravan of booze and barrels to assist us in our time of need, and in conjunction was relying on our military to protect our caravan so that we may trade. I understand that a dwarf needs to eat, sleep, drink, and occasionally take breaks; but was it really necessary to haul all of the coke to the stockpiles when I needed 10 steel helmets made?
The scouts have just returned, and I'm afraid the caravan camel that didn't get away had no useful items with it. With no supplies and most of our military beheaded, I'm afraid we'll have to return to the mountainhome. Majority consensus, however, has ordered you to be buried with the dead and copper instruments. The guard carrying this letter will escort you to your tomb.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: Rhaken on December 14, 2010, 09:49:27 pm
It has come to our attention that you have complained of the lack of tables recently. Truth be told, you are, indeed, correct: we have not yet set up enough tables for all of the fort's population to eat at. We are remedying this as we write this.
However, it has also come to our attention that, in your most recent string of tantrums, you have resorted to venting your frustrations on the dining hall tables, destroying a number of them. We are unsure of what you are trying to accomplish here, but rest assured we will not tolerate further manipulation of production flow. Should you wreck even one more table, we may find ourselves forced to lock you in your rooms with your new pet skeletal elephant.
Signed,
The Administration
Post by: thunderclan on December 15, 2010, 01:28:55 am
I ordered that pile of poor quality metal furniture melted down a year ago and you still haven't done it. Yes, I understand that there are only 2 of you but that is no excuse to leave furniture made of precious (and much needed) metals alone while you melt your way through the ever growing pile of armor brought by our Undead enemies. I need that stockpile space so get to it!
Sincerely, your irritated Leader
Shot by bolt at the invaders:
To the Undead of Adi Vit,
Welcome, we can always use more bones to decorate our halls with. Your soldiers always prove a welcome challenge...even if the only challenge is finding them all. You'll be happy to know that many of your number have survived and are merely waiting for us to decide how best to release them. We hope some of you may join them but if not then we'll happily tear you to bony shreds.
Ps, Ignore the fully armed and armored Dwarf running at you. That's Derek, he is simply going to welcome you and let you go on your merry way...in pieces...to the bone stockpiles. Hope you'll visit Flamebanner again soon!
Sincerely, the Managment
Post by: Redukt on December 15, 2010, 03:08:44 am
Do you hear that sound? That horrible highpitched season-long scream? That is the sound of Vabok the Lye Maker fighting an ettin. You know, the ettin I told you to kill a couple of months ago? Two heads, halitosis, taste for dwarven blood? That one.
Understand that Vabok did everything right. She even ran towards the fortress, which in my experience is a sure sign of extraordinary intelligence - genius, even - the kind of brilliance you meatheads can only have booze-fueled reveries about. Unfortunately she was tackled and crippled before reaching the gates, and now she is incapable of standing up. She did not, however, surrender, and as of today she has been hitting the monster with her shoe for two months straight. Did I mention she's dehydrated, starving, has several infected wounds, and is still very happy? Did I mention you guys have been standing around the well, chortling and drinking, for I don't know how long? Look, I realize that socializing is important, but come on. The ettin must have gone insane by now, since Vabok just won't die. I'm sure you can just saunter up to it and chop its heads off without it even noticing you.
What's that? Oh thank Armok, two of you are finally moving! Now to pick up your weapons, and...
Oh, I see. You want to drink in the stockpile instead. How original. I bet you think you're slumming or something, and that this makes you cool. No, go on, show your axe to Urist McHauler, I'm sure he'll be impressed. "Shiny, eh? I call her Brunhilde. Yeah, I've chopped up hundred, hundred and fifty training spears with this worthless piece of scrap metal... haw haw haw, just joshing ya Brunhilde, you know I love you. Seriously though, Urist... down to earth types like you might call me crazy, but I would never sully her with blood, not in a million years..." *trails off, staring into space* "...why are you still here, Urist? Surely YOU have WORK to do..."
Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and call you crazy. That's because you are. And to think I drafted you guys to slaughter, among other things, elves. What a joke. YOU were the elves. You were the elves all along.
The Overseer
Dear Vabok (High Master Lye Maker, Adequate Woodcutter, Dabbling Conversationalist, Legendary Meatshield):
Your tomb is ready. It has a statue of your god, engraved walls, and a small stockpile of specially commissioned lye to honor the trade you dedicated your life to and never got to pursue in our fort. Just die already. Really, it's OK. You have already done more than anyone expected. You are a true dwarf and everyone owes you.
That said: if you survive, you are so getting promoted. Militia commander or captain of the guard, depending on how much the doctors can fix you. Either way, you're getting a lovely apartment of your own and no more hauling for the rest of your days. So, you know, keep swinging that shoe.
The Overseer
Post by: Ze Spy on December 15, 2010, 03:57:42 am
First , you just had to demand a window in your room While we were Four hundred thousand miles away from a Sand tile , Second , You demanded that we make some adamantine armor for you while that adamantine is 500z levels deep , third , you disallowed the trading of Crafts , which is all we have , Fourth , you Sentenced our Last remaining Founder Partach , Which is a Bookkeeper and has no connections to the forge , to a Hammering
Also , i have a Massive Treasure in Partach's Personal Tower , please stand on the Drawbridge on that tower to claim your Treasure
-That Cheating Assclown that's controling all of you
Post by: Namfuak on December 15, 2010, 04:38:13 am
Without thinking, I designated a five-by-five square of floor over the volcano that was supported (and meant to be built from) the left, and later designated a bridge to be built on the other side. When that bridge was built, you had the bright idea of trying to start building from its side, and subsequently the first floor you built fell into the magma sea. Normally I would chuckle heartily at this and redesignate so it didn't happen again, but apparently a piece of floor tile a few feet away from you falling was enough to drag you down with it. Thanks for exploring the magma sea for me, you useless sot.
Dear Urist McMason 2,
You were working in the same area as Urist McMason 1, but luckily didn't fall, and to my pleasure were doing your job correctly. So, I heartily apologize for designating that bridge to be dismantled when it was the only support to the other bridge. As such, you fell into the magma sea closely behind your mason brother. In my defense, had you dismantled it from the other side or finished the 5x5 square the other guy was working on first, this wouldn't have happened, but I should have had the foresight to check for such problems as these.
Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader/Hammerdwarf,
I understand that it is heartbreaking to lose your friend Urist McMason 1, on top of the fact that we have been sleeping on the floor up until now, but for the love of Armok, did you have to start hitting your fellow militia member Urist McWrestler? He's dead Urist McExpeditionLeader/Hammerdwarf, and you killed him. And apparently it made you feel good to get into a "fist fight." Also, while you were tantruming, you apparently held a very nice meeting with the liaison. Why didn't you beat him up instead? I would have been OK with that, since we
OOC: Seriously, he had the tag "Throwing a Tantrum" and was conducting the meeting, apparently running around throwing things all the while. The dialogue boxes came up, and I was perfectly able to tell the liaison to bring as many flux stones as they've got.
Post by: Olith McHuman on December 15, 2010, 05:00:38 am
At the end of every season I station you inside our front doors to surprise anything that may be trying to sneak into our fort. In this you have performed well. However, since you are stationed, like, two or three tiles away from our outermost doors, you may at times notice a slight scratching sound. You may at times notice an ever so slight booming noise. At times, this is accompanied by the mentioned doors shuddering eveeeer so slightly. For future reference, this means that AN OGRE IS BREAKING DOWN OUR FRONT DOORS. Next time, I expect you to kill said ogre before it destroys yet another masterwork steel door.
Post by: Ze Spy on December 15, 2010, 07:34:25 am
Our supplies are running low and the Goblin hordes are Ramming down the front door , And our Millitary Are getting slaughtered , so i am afraid that i'll have to grab the supplies and Get the hell out with our two Best Human-Dwarven Cross-breeds and Leave all of you for dead and at the mercy of the goblins and buried under the fortress's Remains , Rest in disturbance , All ya assclowns
-The invisible guy Controling everyone and had just recently Gained a Physical form
Post by: Johnfalcon99977 on December 15, 2010, 09:41:41 pm
I realize you are on break, the thing is, you have been on break for a whole month. However, the main problem is that you have been tasked with creating an easier way down the mountain because we have started on a clift face. You have worked to your full proformance for many levels down, and you need only 2 more sets of stairs before the miners take over the job. Untill we finish this task, we will have to deal with the greatly dangerous climb down, taking hours, sometimes even days, to get up and down. This is a problem because we are running out of booze and the only way to make more is farming, but that long climb will delay things to a halt. If we run out of booze, I will promise you will die in the magma flood first.
From
Management
Post by: Ze Spy on December 15, 2010, 09:59:05 pm
Shut your demands you one-eyed, stone lobbin', cactus eatin', pot-bellied-punk, bloody, fat, jigglin', whoppin', big, backstabbin', lard-armed, creepy, spastic little, bloody, blind eyed, precious little, twitchy, pickle-headed, Bed hoppin', pod, potato hoppin', phony, two-faced, filthy, mutant bastard
-Your demigod
Post by: iyaerP on December 16, 2010, 04:45:26 am
I was greatly
As such, I have assigned you to train under Meng Glinteye, the Fungi of Attacks, our legendary one-dwarf-siege-breaker and his artifact adamantine battle-axe. Any concerns you have coping with the loss of your beloved pets should be directed to him, and he will see to your.... safety in this time of grief for you.
Also, you have temporarily been given housing in the queen's chambers in hopes of improving your sanity and mood.
With regards,
The management of Fortress Claspedchurches.
Post by: Korva on December 16, 2010, 06:11:35 pm
Dear Vabok (High Master Lye Maker, Adequate Woodcutter, Dabbling Conversationalist, Legendary Meatshield):
Your tomb is ready. It has a statue of your god, engraved walls, and a small stockpile of specially commissioned lye to honor the trade you dedicated your life to and never got to pursue in our fort. Just die already. Really, it's OK. You have already done more than anyone expected. You are a true dwarf and everyone owes you.
That said: if you survive, you are so getting promoted. Militia commander or captain of the guard, depending on how much the doctors can fix you. Either way, you're getting a lovely apartment of your own and no more hauling for the rest of your days. So, you know, keep swinging that shoe.
The Overseer
How did this end? Poor brave dwarf. I cannot imagine her surviving several infections, but it'd be incredibly awesome if she did.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on December 16, 2010, 08:52:47 pm
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated. effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child. All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena. We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.
Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows
Post by: Zrk2 on December 16, 2010, 10:22:20 pm
General Notification to all Urists From Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows:
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated. effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child. All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena. We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.
Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows
War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
HAIL BIG
Post by: UristMcDwarf on December 16, 2010, 10:22:45 pm
We are hungry, and when you have 17 bolts in your head, I think it's time to accept fate.
Love, dorfs.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 17, 2010, 09:04:51 pm
You've all been loyal to me, through the drought, the famine, the migrant overflow, the wild animal attacks, the floods, hell, even the drowning incidents. You know how to survive, I'll give you that, you magnificant bastards.
But going to party for a whole year while UristMcMiner, who was hurt digging the cistern so we could have water, was dying of thirst in unacceptable. "But boss, there's no buckets!" is not a good answer. We have a whole dozen of empty buckets RIGHT THERE Urists! "I wash dunk, bawsh" is not a good answer either (you should work on your acting, too), you are ALWAYS drunk you stupid beards on legs. I will see that each and every one of you suffocates on the miasma generated by Urist's ROTTING CORPSE.
Post by: Namfuak on December 17, 2010, 10:18:45 pm
You are the definition of why you shouldn't be a hero. There was a whole legion of goblin bowmen on the other side of the bridge, the one that spans over a volcano. That they HAVE to use to get into our fortress. I told you to go behind a corner in the hallway to protect yourself from their arrows while they run on the bridge so UristMcDoesn'tHaveAJob can pull the lever to raise the bridge and send them all to their doom. Instead, you decided to charge on ahead, across the bridge. I'm sure you were very confused when I very intentionally didn't send the rest of your squad to help you and let you die. By the way, thanks for taking down 3 or 4 of those goblins while you were in a martial trance. Want to know something interesting? If you had stayed with your squad, you probably would have killed many more, and more importantly, NOT DIED.
Dear Military,
How in the hell did a goblin elite bowman manage to evade attacks from 5 of you at once, headshot one and take limbs off a few others while running, and still hurt you as you stood around him in a corner poking at him? Seriously, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, this is exactly why I train you to be good fighters and dodgers.
Post by: iyaerP on December 17, 2010, 10:26:37 pm
Dear Urist McHero,
You are the definition of why you shouldn't be a hero. There was a whole legion of goblin bowmen on the other side of the bridge, the one that spans over a volcano. That they HAVE to use to get into our fortress. I told you to go behind a corner in the hallway to protect yourself from their arrows while they run on the bridge so UristMcDoesn'tHaveAJob can pull the lever to raise the bridge and send them all to their doom. Instead, you decided to charge on ahead, across the bridge. I'm sure you were very confused when I very intentionally didn't send the rest of your squad to help you and let you die. By the way, thanks for taking down 3 or 4 of those goblins while you were in a martial trance. Want to know something interesting? If you had stayed with your squad, you probably would have killed many more, and more importantly, NOT DIED.
Dear Military,
How in the hell did a goblin elite bowman manage to evade attacks from 5 of you at once, headshot one and take limbs off a few others while running, and still hurt you as you stood around him in a corner poking at him? Seriously, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, this is exactly why I train you to be good fighters and dodgers.
Your entire squad only had one brain which they collectively shared. Unfortunately for you, your dorf who charged across the bridge took it with him when he did so and it enabled him to go into a martial trance. However, with him, the squad's collective brain died and so too did their combat ability.
Post by: riznar on December 17, 2010, 10:31:48 pm
Your entire squad only had one brain which they collectively shared. Unfortunately for you, your dorf who charged across the bridge took it with him when he did so and it enabled him to go into a martial trance. However, with him, the squad's collective brain died and so too did their combat ability.
Rare is it that I get to reference Give Me The Brain
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Zrk2 on December 17, 2010, 11:01:20 pm
Post by: riznar on December 17, 2010, 11:03:30 pm
Post by: Flaede on December 17, 2010, 11:53:14 pm
Post by: Shardok on December 18, 2010, 07:33:00 am
Please refrain from just placing your wagon anywhere in the future. Notable places where wagons should not be placed include: On ice, on rivers, on magma, at the highest possible point on the map, directly next to the elephant camp, or any other area that I deem unsuitable at the time of the wagon being placed.
Thank you for your time, and may you and all the other Dwarves die thanks to your idiocy.
Post by: Rowanas on December 18, 2010, 11:12:43 am
General Notification to all Urists From Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows:
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated. effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child. All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena. We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.
Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows
War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
HAIL BIGBROTHERURIST!!!
Actually, it's a Paranoia reference, not a 1984 reference.
Oh. Man. Is cheapass still around? I thought that company folded!
Yeah, they're still around, but they're not so cheapass anymore.
Y'know, with a Paranoia reference and someone excited about CA games, I'm beginning to think there may be gamers of the student variety lurking on the forums.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on December 18, 2010, 11:36:23 am
I understand your hatred towards kobolds but please in future circumstances try not to suffocate yourselves while attempting catch said kobolds.
, your overseer
Urist McScoopbeard
Post by: Samuel on December 18, 2010, 10:07:27 pm
You have my personal assurance that nobody is going to try to sell chains. It will never happen.
Mostly because everybody but you is too dead to trade anything.
Anyway, if you're still alive by the time some migrants arrive, I'll tell them not to trade any chains. You're probably going to ultimately die of infection if they arrive in time to give you water though, so I'll probably have your corpse kicked into the volcano and then trade a bunch of chains just to spite you.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: UristMcDwarf on December 18, 2010, 11:00:36 pm
JGKGLVJAVG
WHY DID YOU DESTROY THE FARM FLOODGATE
GJKVJHRG
THE FARM WAS ALMOST DRY, AND YOU GO FLOOD IT AGAIN.
HVFLEHVTJLHGL
NOW WE CAN'T HELP URISTMCFEY, WE CANT GROW ANY PIG TAILS!
KFH;KVGRHWI
that is all.
Post by: billybobfred on December 18, 2010, 11:29:52 pm
Um. Before you ask, this is my own fault, but. We kind of need a hatch cover. No biggie, but, ah, for aesthetic reasons, I'd kind of like to block off that stairway down to a magma-flooded cavern. So. Could you get on that, real quick? Thanks.
On a lighter note, we're all very lucky I didn't decide to build that second magma smelter in the other direction! ... No, the fancy bedrooms for the original seven wouldn't have been flooded. The walls were up. We would have just lost a bunch of cassiterite.
Post by: Urist McTaverish on December 18, 2010, 11:31:44 pm
Actually, it's a Paranoia reference, not a 1984 reference.Kinda a combination because I'm sure Friend Computer wouldn't call itself "comrade."
Post by: UristMcDwarf on December 19, 2010, 02:13:50 am
You have all medical labors activated.
NOW GO SAVE URISTMCHELPLESS, WHO JUST HAD HIS FOOT RIPPED OFF.
GO AND HELP HIM,
Your invisible diety.
Post by: Kc_spot on December 19, 2010, 12:35:23 pm
Dear Dr. Urist
You have all medical labors activated.
NOW GO SAVE URISTMCHELPLESS, WHO JUST HAD HIS FOOT RIPPED OFF.
GO AND HELP HIM,
Your invisible diety.
This. My medic has nothing but medical jobs on... THE RECRUIT IS MISSING A ARM!!! HELP HIM ALREADY!!!!
Post by: Rowanas on December 19, 2010, 03:20:52 pm
Actually, it's a Paranoia reference, not a 1984 reference.Kinda a combination because I'm sure Friend Computer wouldn't call itself "comrade."
...damn. Defeated by communist tricks again!
Post by: Samuel on December 19, 2010, 11:59:06 pm
Alright, Tyler Durden, we have a bit of a problem. We're still working on reclaiming this fortress since everybody died recently, so we don't have all the dwarves we need to fill our requirements. In fact, the most important job of all has nobody to fulfill it. That's where you come in. You are now hereby our brewer. It's not that hard of a job, you'll get used to it. Good luck.
Signed,
Your Overseer
PS Also, a doctor. You're a doctor now. Try not to kill anybody.
Post by: Insert_Name on December 20, 2010, 01:32:36 am
I understand that you ran out of ammo, and it was perfectly understandable when you left your post to get more. I had even constructed an entire extra floor on your tower to store more for these situations. However, it was not acceptable for you to leave the tower, walk along the unprotected cliff face to get more ammo from Arrmok knows where, and turn yourself into the elite goblin bowman's pincushion. Luckily, after I diverted the the rest of your squad from their post to a nearby cliff, they were able to kill the goblin before a fatal shot was fired, and you are no longer at risk of bleeding out. Unfortunately, you will still be held responsible for the death of Urist McMeleedwarf at the hands of the other elite goblin bowman who managed to slip past the chokepoint that your squad was meant to be defending.
Your Benevolent Overseer.
Dear Urist McDoctor,
Urist McMarksdwarf has been in the hospital for a month already, and his various injuries have still not received any treatment whatsoever. Normally I would deem this a suitable punishment for the harm his actions have caused to this fortress, but he is one of the very few dwarves we have capable of handling a crossbow, making him a valuable asset to our military. Should he succumb to any of the countless infections that have developed in his wounds, you and your useless colleagues will be punished as if you had murdered him with a conventional weapon. Be grateful that I am kind enough not to give you a greater punishment.
Your Benevolent Overseer.
Post by: ungulateman on December 20, 2010, 01:56:34 am
That snailman didn't do anything to you, yet you tore it in half. Good job, we'll be capturing and taming you post-haste.
Your friendly neighbourhood fortress
Post by: MythagoWoods on December 20, 2010, 04:26:47 pm
I appreciate your sneaking skills. They must be legendary. You got past several posts with war and hunting dogs. You snuck past all my traps. You eve snuck past a hallway full of military dwarves. I am happy for you, seriously, but I have one question... why did you stab my puppy? More importantly why did you skip past all the bedrooms, my vault, my offices, my stockpiles, AND my kitchen... to stab a poor, helpless, adorable puppy?
Sincerely, the Puppy Loving Overseer
Dear Urist McMilitary,
Why in the name of Armok did you let that kobold not only get past all the defenses... but why did you do absolutely nothing when he was on his way out after stabbing the puppy? You take down siege by sheer dwarfy might alone! You are all battle hardened, scarred, vicious, killing machines who no longer have feelings! You shouldn't let some stinky, skulking kobold get away, especially after stabbing a puppy! I swear if you weren't needed in defense of the fort and everything assaulting us I'd lock you all in my cleaning room and let you drown.
Sincerely, your Puppy Loving Overseer
Post by: Musashi on December 20, 2010, 06:12:05 pm
You still aren't especially good at anything. Except the doctor. She's the 4th one to be a High Master in both Diagnostician and Wound Dressing. Which still makes her the 4th one of her kind. And quite useless at that point. Why? Why do you useless morons keep cOming HEre desPITE The Dang""&icg"tvglgnzgbet ylr
[Musashi interrupted Writing a Note to Urist: too insane
Musashi has gone berserk!
Musashi is stationing the newest squad on a bridge.]
Post by: TolyK on December 21, 2010, 01:42:12 am
actually keep the doctor though. I had a dwarf die with 2 great doctors around... very helpful when fighting hoards of trolls from the caverns :D
Post by: Musashi on December 21, 2010, 04:13:17 am
lulzI've kept all the doctors I've had. They are filling almost one full page in the nits screen. D:
actually keep the doctor though. I had a dwarf die with 2 great doctors around... very helpful when fighting hoards of trolls from the caverns :D
Post by: TolyK on December 21, 2010, 05:04:12 am
the rest go to the mulcher.
Post by: Barakahzai on December 21, 2010, 06:24:38 am
Thank you for taking your sweet time pulling the lever to keep out the dragon. Not only did the dragon waltz right in the front gate, managing to incinerate more than a quarter of the fort's population (including no less than 3 legendary engravers, 2 legendary miners, and my broker, mayor, captain of the guard) before the military lynched him, but my food supply also managed to catch fire as the dragon ravaged the lower levels of the fort. Now, thanks to you deciding hauling a plump helmet to what is now the smoldering remains of my pantry was more important than pulling the lever to keep out the dragon, my entire fort is dying of starvation. Thank you for your diligence in performing your duties as a peasant. Once I get this mess sorted, you're being promoted to gladiator.
Sincerely,
Urist McOverlord
P.S. We here at the fortress take a BYOB approach to armor and weapons for gladiators. Cheers.
Post by: Mantonio on December 21, 2010, 07:16:17 am
Congratulations. Not only did you refuse to talk with the diplomat until every single labour of yours was cancelled, but you immediately afterwards decided to go on break. Despite the fact that you are the mason, there is work to be done, and you have done very little.
The moment the secret police are ready, you're scheduled for a beating. Your beating ticket is '1'
- Administrator of The Communion
Dear Kobolds.
WHY. I HAVE NOTHING WORTH STEALING. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO OBSESSED WITH GETTING IN MY FORT.
GO SUCK A CAVE CRAWLER.
- Watch your back, morons
Post by: Mr. Argent on December 21, 2010, 07:21:54 am
Besides, we have no platinum anyway. you'll have to make do with the halfassed stone throne i built to fulfill your incredibly retarded demands.
Post by: ZachUSAman on December 22, 2010, 02:27:49 pm
Love how determined you are to hauling those items, but really, the forgotten beast in tunnel 7 is reason enough not to try and haul items.
Post by: Terrahex on December 22, 2010, 06:24:35 pm
I always liked you. you were one of the first military dwarves I've ever had. you killed a couple of those olm men way back. remember that?
Anyway, as the last member of your squad, I'd just like you to know that you could have saved all of your friends from those three goblin ambushes and also that one engraver guy. instead, you went out into the field and stood there like an idiot and didn't move an inch no matter how many times I told you to. as a result, those two goblins murdered that engraver then came after you. you could have taken them on one by one, but instead you stood there.
hope you like the spine injury,
Terrahex.
PS, the medics are just as lazy as you are.
Post by: Drenake on December 22, 2010, 10:16:18 pm
Please report to the meeting hall ASAP. Your lunch from two weeks ago is still lying on ground and your fellow dwarfs have started complaining about the odor and nobody dares to touch it.
I know you like to shoot every single wild creature with your very shinny crossbow, but, until you clean your mess, you are to remain inside and your crossbow will be confiscated.
If your stinky lunch is still there in 7 days, you will be
Sincerly yours,
Your mighty mastermind
Post by: alesia on December 23, 2010, 12:01:24 am
Please put on your clothes. This is not a nudist colony. Please put the clothes you are NOT wearing in your cabinet.
You have all been idling for a season. This means that you have had, and will continue to have, plenty of opportunities to put your goddamn mismatched socks away. I am not your mother, and my idea of house cleaning involves magma. You will not like it.
Sincerely,
The Management
PS. One of you lazy bastards needs to quit Attending Party and clean up the pool of alligator blood that's been sitting in the middle of the statue garden for two years. Again, the alternative solution involves magma.
Post by: Hivemind on December 23, 2010, 04:48:36 am
It was a simple enough scheme; we had the cistern dug out beneath, fill from the brook on the other side of the fortress wall. Rather than using buckets, a few simple minutes in the workshop and I had you produce the components for a screwpump.
All I wanted was for you to set it in the doorway and pump until the room was full. You did so, and I thank you. After draining, I have a massive underground farm without the wait associated with buckets. However, when I had you dismantle it to allow draining and to move it to fill our "Intruder B-Gone Flush System", you stood there. In front of the hole the water had been pulled from. The hole leading to the cistern serving as our defense and our emergency hydration. You stood there while the water pushed past you, and I breathed a sigh of relief when you weren't pushed in.
And then you fucking jumped in once the water was gone. What the fuck.
You jumped in, drowned, and sat bobbing in the opening of the cistern.
If you were still alive I'd feed you to the GCS we've since tamed. Instead, since your wife was verging on a tantrum, I sent her for bait. She ran pretty fast, despite "CORPULENT" being written into her description.
Sincerely,
The Director
Post by: youdont12know on December 23, 2010, 10:39:56 am
I would like to thank you for placing that second floodgate. You have saved our fortress from flooding after i had to dig that secondary tunnel to let Urist McHauler out. You, however, went and locked yourself up inside the irrigation system again. This was my fault, and i should have forseen this. I have thus made for you an escape stairway. Would you pleas go down with it so i can close up this tunnel and start our farm? a buzzard has stolen all our food.
sincerely,
God.
Post by: Horizon9 on December 23, 2010, 02:36:41 pm
We appreciate your attempts at hunting the local wildlife to add to our foodstores, but please, for the sake of the workers, aim for the critical parts.
Both goats escaped with multiple bolts lodged in their bodies because you couldn't kill them before they escaped.
We know you're trying, but please, try harder.
Your understanding manager.
Post by: Hivemind on December 23, 2010, 03:41:53 pm
Thanks for the answer to my riddle;
Q: What do you get when dwarves tantrum due to sobriety?
A: REDRUM.
Signed,
THE DIRECTOR
Post by: Soapalope on December 23, 2010, 03:45:35 pm
You have very nice
Sincerely,
One very angry bar of soap.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 23, 2010, 03:48:10 pm
You are all brave fighters, but losing 8 of your multi-legendary goblin grinding machines to a demon made of salt is not a good example. You will not be buried because you all died to a demon made of vomit.
Sincerely,
The nearly dead fortress.
Post by: Samuel on December 23, 2010, 08:46:50 pm
Dear Military of SlingChained,
You are all brave fighters, but losing 8 of your multi-legendary goblin grinding machines to a demon made of salt is not a good example. You will not be buried because you all died to a demon made of vomit.
Sincerely,
The nearly dead fortress.
To be fair, would you want to attack a living pile of vomit?
Post by: Silent_Thunder on December 23, 2010, 09:05:26 pm
While I understand that the death of your wife can be quite heartbreaking, I am somewhat puzzled to why. After all you murdered her by BITING a chunk out of her leg after she violated an export mandate. While I'm sure the fine dwarves of MourlnfulDirge knew what they were doing during the election, I fear that running nude through the fortress speaking elfish backwards may cause issues to morale. Because of this, you may have noticed that the fortress seems to be abandoned. That may be because of that slight warmth you feel approaching you. Lets see how well those chalk boots protect you.
Love; The Overseer.
I swear he had a chalk fetish, which wouldnt be that bad had he not, for 3 straight years, banned the export of chalk, AKA my entire industry.
Post by: iyaerP on December 23, 2010, 09:36:18 pm
While it is a very sad thing to lose a baby to goblin snatchers, it is your own fault for not being inside your designated burrow. That burrow exists specifically to protect children and nobles from goblins, and it is your own fault for leaving. While we sympathise with your plight and you have our condolances, please remember that you are really just one more plaything for our amusement and ultimately, just as expendanble as your offspring.
Sincerliy, The dark god that controls your lives.
Dear Ugnot McPedoGoblin
Congradulations on sneaking past 4 masons, 5 woodcutters, 3 herbalists and a war alligator. Your sneakyness is commendable. However, I must question the wisdon of stealing the infant of the fortress's queen rather than the one that was abandoned when his mother died of thirst out by the map edge you came in from. Would it not have been easier to steal the lone baby trying to commit suicide by exposure? In addition, I must also call into question the wisdom of STABBING IN THE HEART THE BABY YOU ARE TRYING TO STEAL. It strikes me as a poorly thought out move with no long term benefits. Unless you plan on baby stew or something. In which case, there are easier alternatives. See: Emo baby at map edge. In any event, this shall not be a problem for long as Claspedchurches' best marathon running murder-machines are rapidly gaining ground on you, and you have no prayer against their adamantine gear and artifact weapons.
Wishing you the best before your horrible death,
The Fortress Management.
Dear Dodak McSpeardorf, Legendary Stabmiester,
I wanted to take the time to thank you for your efforts in the apprehension of the goblin pedophile that murdered and stole the queen's baby. Most impressive was your sprint from the barracks and I am most pleased that you ran down the goblin in question despite him having a headstart almost half the length of the map. Well done. Especially I wanted to thank you for not dispatching him in your usual 1-stab-1-kill policy and rather taking the time to slowly and excruciatingly torture him to death. Watching him suffer for 15 pages of combat reports was most heartening, especially after the tragedies he inflicted upon our queen. You have the thanks of the queen, the fortress, and most especially, of me.
With regards,
The dark god that controls your lives.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 23, 2010, 10:04:38 pm
Stop bringing legendary metalcrafters with you. We don't make metal crafts here.
Yours truly,
Lashgift
Post by: ChokingVictim on December 23, 2010, 11:45:39 pm
You were with me since the beginning. You gave everything for the fortress. You alone saved the fort countless times when we were fledgling. You alone gave the greatest contribution to making us as mighty as we are. Your replacements are incompetent, but it was my fault for not checking below you and accidentally causing you to fall into the goblin pit with all the hundreds of goblins I've been collecting over the years via cavein. You killed many before being overwhelmed. You will be missed and your tomb will be the envy of kings many generations to come.
Love,
Your dear overlord
Also,
Dear Aspiring Bourgeois Nobles,
I see every year you embark to our lovely mountain home to replace your poor predecessors of which whom we are still trying to determine the cause of death in their most unfortunate accidents. And every year you show up to our front drawbridge which shines of platinum and knock in hopes we will let you in. The lever gets pulled, and I assure you our splendid bridge drops down for you every time I'm just not sure where you or your atoms go after that.
Love,
Urist McMarx, The overseer of our wonderful workers paradise
Post by: Xveers on December 24, 2010, 05:30:30 am
On behalf of everyone in the fortress, I would like to thank you for taking your time in channelling the final parts of our water capturing cistern. As you know, winter is fast approaching and speed was of the essence. We had scheduled your work two months ago, giving us enough time to flood the cistern and provide during those frosty winter nights. Sadly, you felt slamming back aleskis in the not-quite done beer hall was more important.
I hope you know that everyone who dies thanks to a lack of water is all your fault. And I will work tirelessly to see you trapped in your own personal, elvish hell.
Yours,
The invisible cursor that knows all.
Post by: Soapalope on December 24, 2010, 08:27:09 am
Your claims of dining in hell are ridiculous. You can't even find a tree without help. And you wish to have 300 dwarves for your army? Well, you can have three. The population cap is 180.
Yours Sincerely,
Xerces, the elf.
Post by: Rhaken on December 24, 2010, 11:35:29 pm
Congratulations on your recent promotion to the title of duke. I'm sure you're quite happy at this. Your rooms have already been upgraded to your liking.
However, it has come to our attention that to celebrate your promotion, you had mandated that no earrings be exported from Mirrorbeards this fall. Not wanting to displease you, we ensured none of our many, many earrings were sold to the caravan from the Mountainhomes - the same caravan that brought the liaison that promoted you.
The human caravan from the summer, however, was still around, and we sold them plenty of earrings with no objection from you. As soon as they left the territory, however, you went on an arrest warrant-issuing spree for half the fort population, including half our military, and several dwarves that have never touched an earring in their drunken lives.
Rest assured that these arrest warrants will be fulfilled - one at a time. Mostly to spite you for being so anal.
Hoping you ram a cabinet up your ass,
The Administration
PS: We have noticed that you also issued an arrest warrant mandating encarceration of the chief medical dwarf for 151 days. We will ensure you regret this when there is nobody to diagnose your sudden and mysterious lack of a left leg.
Post by: Fisher-Risen on December 26, 2010, 04:42:37 am
Dear all Urist mcmigrants,What are you? An Elf?
Stop bringing legendary metalcrafters with you. We don't make metal crafts here.
Yours truly,
Lashgift
Post by: tsen on December 26, 2010, 04:51:59 am
Post by: Ze Spy on December 26, 2010, 05:17:38 am
Why would anyone make metal crafts? It's all about weapons and armor. Nothing says decadence like 12 sets of gold and platinum inlaid, black sapphire, star sapphire, white diamond, black diamond encrusted masterwork steel armor for everyone in the fortress, soldier or no.
errr , yeah , go on , i'll laugh when you run out of crap to sell to the merchants
Post by: MythagoWoods on December 26, 2010, 05:17:48 am
Stop it.
Seriously.
I know you like my outdoor garden. I know you like my statues. I KNOW I made that the meeting area to remove your cave adaptation. But please, please, PLEASE stop vomiting on the statues faster then I can clean it up, complaining about it to my leader, and then throwing a tantrum and destroying my fine dining tables... then complaining about the lack of tables. Next dwarf to do this gets to pull "the" lever. I do not wish to make any one of you pull "the" lever.
Sincerely,
Your overseer
Post by: Sphalerite on December 26, 2010, 09:54:06 am
errr , yeah , go on , i'll laugh when you run out of crap to sell to the merchantsBah. A single legendary stonecrafter working non-stop can easily make enough crafts out of worthless stone to buy out entire caravans. And if you really want high-value renewable exports there's masterwork cheese and syrup roasts.
Post by: Buckermann on December 26, 2010, 03:31:32 pm
I salute you; you are the paragon of dwarven virtue. You are humble, assiduously and determined. When the mood came over you, you just secured three stacks of horse bone and started working and created the perfect horse bone door. No spikes, no fancy images, no thrills. A simple door. Granted the monetary value is rather low, but don't listen to your colleagues who may joke about it. And especially do not listen to the the band of nine Urist McFeyIdiot who created (using our rare and imported metals and precious stones), a harp, a crown, a amulet, ONE shoe, a mug, a oaken trumpet, another mug, a scepter and yet another mug. All worth tens of thousands of urists, but utterly and completely useless. And none of them improved their respective skill, unlike you, a humble fish cleaner who became a most respected bone carver.
Thank you for restoring my faith in the dwarven craftsmanship.
Ps: The door will be installed in your new accommodations, along with our finest aluminium furniture.
Pp: Can I have your babies?
Post by: Silent_Thunder on December 26, 2010, 03:58:10 pm
As you may know, your predeccessor set into action a series of events that nearly led to the downfall of the fortress after the emergency lockdown mesures ment to end his life accidently flooded the safe room with magma. That was my bad. However, I find it almost humourous that you are now demanding a throne made of gold, even though the only gold in the fortress in now deep in the accidental obsidian farm. Normally I'd just replace you, but here's the bizzare part. You are demanding items when you are the only survivor of the aformentioned incident. As you may have noticed, your mandate has almost expired, and no migrants have come yet. I sincerely hope that you deem youself responsible and punish yourself for you crimes against the fortress by not making a gold throne.
Bemused;
The Overseer.
Post by: Haspen on December 26, 2010, 04:29:58 pm
Why you ask for silk cloth. We have plenty of various plant cloth in seven different goddamn colors, even white! It is spring and the chasm doesn't offer cave spiders that would give us silk to spun into cloth for you.
You have been already crossed out from the bedroom's list, and that homeless peasant widow with an old dog was very happy to take your place.
Ah yes, our militia and their +Steel mace+'s will soon visit you and keep you company for few months.
I hope you're ready to join all those others who had similar fetishes like you.
Yours sincerely,
Kivish 'Haspie' Asmeltost, long-time leader of Melbilonshen.
Post by: Ze Spy on December 26, 2010, 04:33:47 pm
i've designated you to hang around the Hill and fire randomly at the Horde of Enemies charging at our fortress , and instead what did ya do? you single handedly won the battle , you are getting rooms containing lots of artifacts , now there , i ain't gonna just randomly give artifact rooms to anyone who single handedly wins a battle , But in your case , you won a battle against a foe that's 10000 Years ahead of our technology and attacked with a massive force of 500
You are gaining Number one in our "memorials of the Best"
Invisible Controler
Post by: Evanissimo on December 26, 2010, 07:44:00 pm
You may have noticed recently that many of the dwarves in our fortress are unhappy. well it's really your fault. all that fishing you do? no one can eat that until you've processed it. We have barrels of raw fish, turtles, and other things, but you refuse to prepare them, even after I order you directly to never fish again. Really.
signed, outpost manager.
Post by: Musashi on December 26, 2010, 08:02:18 pm
I still don't quite understand why you kid went berserk all of a sudden (was it your being an orphan, your 12-year old brother who got enrolled just because he punched a troglodyte as a baby instead of just becoming a professional meatshield, the lack of bedrooms, the constant FBs mayhems, or the chronic but mostly harmless pandemic that renders up to a half of the population completely numb?), but I sincerely apologize for my having to kick your brain out for the safety of your fortress. No, really, I do. Though I do hate you a little for making me sad about a perfectly dwarfy and Fun® story. I don't even remember how old you were, nor your gender. That is not relevant anymore, for you will join your father at last by the side of Armok, and he still knows who you are. There, get a statue of the god of children making a plaintive gesture in your tomb.
Requesciat in pacem,
Your Overseer who still rules over you in death
Dear surviving family of Olon,
I don't care if the oldest brother is 12 and was just enrolled in the military for having punched a troglodyte to nausea when he was but a wee baby; I'm not giving him the chance to punch a single citizen. It is also valid for the rest of you. I won't assign war dogs to any of you because they're all stuffed in a thermonuclear cage bomb just in case, and the pandemic going on would probably neutralize them anyway; however, please do remember, I always have soldiers training, and they wouldn't mind using their new shiny blue weapons on the next volunteers who would express a desire to join the dead sibling and father. None of you will get the same honor as Olon.
It hurts me more than it will hurt you, no, really!,
Your Overseer who you wouldn't make to drive berserk either
Post by: Urist McTaverish on December 26, 2010, 08:32:21 pm
I admire your dedication to try and lug that boulder of Galena up a hundred Z-levels and then halfway across the fortress, but you're thirsty, hungry, and you STILL have that nervous system damage. Just give up already, no one will think you any less of a dwarf.
Regards
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Dark.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on December 28, 2010, 08:17:01 am
I have been informed about the demise of Urist McCrispyminer. I am willing to admit, it was partially my fault. I should have told you to channel at the top of the mountain, not dig. I am sorry. If you are ever given a task like that, please, when the inrvitable cave-in occurs, try to stand on the side of the moutnain top opposite he active volcano. It's so hard to replace those copper picks...and the dwarves that use them, of course.
Post by: Rysith on December 29, 2010, 02:39:25 am
Although I know that you aren't really a people person, and you are correct that the soon-to-be water cistern is a nice, large, empty room where you can get away from the sound of your fellow dwarves, it is not an appropriate place for you take your break.
Regards,
Your Overseer
Post by: tomas1297 on December 29, 2010, 04:59:52 am
Stop taking the patient out of his bed and then complaining about how he isn't resting. You are the reason we can't have nice things.
Thank you for your attention,
Your Cruel Tormentor
PS.: I try to be nice, you know? It's your fault. Now we're dropping you into the troglodyte pits.
Post by: Flaede on December 30, 2010, 02:56:54 pm
Why would anyone make metal crafts? It's all about weapons and armor. Nothing says decadence like 12 sets of gold and platinum inlaid, black sapphire, star sapphire, white diamond, black diamond encrusted masterwork steel armor for everyone in the fortress, soldier or no.
errr , yeah , go on , i'll laugh when you run out of crap to sell to the merchants
You're kidding, right? Just one of those suits of armor could buy out an entire caravan of gems to encrust the next dozen with. Also: roasts.
Post by: K17U on December 30, 2010, 04:11:27 pm
I realize, that as a mere outpost overseer, it is certainly not my position to speak up in matters concerning inter-civilizational politics. However, as a humble servant of our beloved queen I must say, that while it might be true, it was not the most appropriate choice to publicly label our wise ruler as a drunkard:
(http://s3.directupload.net/images/101230/gabwldwc.png)
sincerly,
The Overseer of your latest Outpost
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Bomrek McForgottenbeastMadeFromFireOpal
Thank you a lot for easily dying to the hands of Urist McNoviceMiner. However, was it really necessary to crush the entire 20 dwarf strong military of our young outpost beforehand?
Or the entire farming team for that matter?
sincerly,
Your friendly neighbourhood overseer
P.S.: Please stop using a dwarven name.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on December 30, 2010, 05:14:14 pm
Post by: K17U on December 30, 2010, 05:22:12 pm
Likewise, an enemy composed of mud would be easy to kill for farmers, while an enemy made of steel is no challenge for an experienced weaponsmith.
I shall remember this.
Post by: Willfrey on December 30, 2010, 05:23:38 pm
I appreciate your service and leadership in the year of our founding, however you must understand due to the injuries you recently sustained I had to relieve you of your position as the noble captian of the guard. Please ignore all the engravings depicting how you cried when you were relieved of command that fateful day.
Furthermore, there are many dwarves bedridden in the infirmary recovering from grevious injuries far worse than yours. I believe I speak for all dwarves when I say we are tired of watching you limp around the meeting hall bleating every five minutes about how you can't haul rocks because of the pain.
Yours truly,
Overseer.
Post by: Hivemind on December 30, 2010, 07:29:26 pm
Good job. You have lowered my faith in Dwarves enough to rival that of my faith in humanity. How did you do that? By having a tantrum and THROWING YOUR BABY INTO THE LAVA PIT. Which, may I add, only seemed to upset you more... causing the death of the two haulers that happened to run by, as you beat them to death with your bare fists.
I... I'm actually not sure what I should do to you.
Signed,
THE DIRECTOR
Post by: Captain Howdy on December 31, 2010, 01:39:50 am
Please stop confusing "Danger Room" with EVERY-FUCKING-OTHER-ROOM in the Fortress.
Signed,
The voice inside your head that tells you what to do
Post by: Caevin on January 01, 2011, 07:28:24 pm
I'm sure you noticed our predicament upon arriving on this sight. However, I chose you for a reason, both because I was expecting trouble and wanted you to be useful when not slaughtering all who oppose us. However, simply because I assign you to a squad with no equipment assigned to you does not give you the right to strip down to nothing and even remove that handy axe that you are doubly trained in. At least you put a breastplate on, but I think for the sake of the rest of us that is far too little for modesty's sake. I'm sure you realized the folly of this when you decided to wrestle an alligator and had your foot bitten fairly badly, though I commend you on beating it. However, unfortunately you did not have time to comtemplate on your style of dressing, due to the onslaught of buzzards we then recieved (I admit possibly due in part to me and my lack of moving our food stores to a safer place). In a way, I am glad you ended up dodging into the river and drowning, the new recruit has done a much better job of you, fending off a seige single-handedly!
Also, a note to my Doctor,
Well well well, I can really do is laugh at this. The woodcutter died partly of his own stupidity, and I'm not sure that entitles you to try and jump off the cliff and kill yourself. Partly for your sake it didn't, and you survived with half of your body not fractured! I hope you enjoy some fresh immigrant with no medical skills operating on you!
Sincerely,
Losing Interest in Keeping Every Last One of You Alive
Post by: Musashi on January 01, 2011, 07:45:27 pm
you know that hole in the caverns that I dug so the water flooding the floor partially would pour somewhere else faster? Yes, that hole. The one that killed a miner after a painful 8-z-levels high fall. Yes, the channeled-out tile that's dangerous because, while walkable, the surrounding area is still flooded with enough water to push you in its direction at the worst possible moment. You might remember a non-negligible number of dwarfs and a cat died this way, don't you, not counting the lone survivor that was then mercy-killed by some infection later. And I can't build anything around it because, hey, no big surprise, there's water, and it would be completely suicidal to send someone to place a grate over it. Yep. That hole.
Yeah.
... well, stop going near it.
Your Overseer who somehow still finds the energy to write letters for a pile of virtual alcoholics midgets that don't really exist nor are sentient, or are they?
it's gone now
Post by: Corwyn on January 02, 2011, 08:39:12 pm
When you got a vision of sorts that had you run off and claim all the cotton candy I'd managed to mine -and extract- safely for building your masterpiece, and it is a marvel at that too, valued 1,520,000 coin, studded with a cut large black diamond... The mayor's family would like to know how you got this vision to build and then moments before completion, you etch out in it how the Mayor was struck down by that goblin ambush while he was cleaning a trap seconds after the fact had happened.
Sadly if this was a request for blood for Armok, since this was a barrel and not a more dignified creation, (like a statue) it will hold various seeds that the humans had brought with them, never to be seen again except by the new hoardmaster who will count the 25 bladeweed and move on.
Good news though, you now have your own anvil and I expect the first few steel sarcophogii to be finished for our surviving members. I suspect this morbid act is why new people arriving come 'despite the danger' they say. Having the mayor as our first casualty other than a warpony who sacrificed itself for our woodcutter isn't good, but it has been a nice 11 years so far.
Don't mind the lack of door in your new tom... home. The food tunnel above will keep you supplied, Lady McMason will keep you company I'm sure since she decided to seal herself in with you she must have some other motivation. Just push out your creations through the service chute below and all will be well.
You should have seen this coming.
~Administration.
Post by: Samuel on January 03, 2011, 02:28:01 pm
Dude, just... holy shit. I know he was elf, but... holy shit.
Ahem. Let me clarify. You were selected as my new militia commander- the only member of the military needed, as I was only sending you to kill elf merchants- because our previous militia commander was brutally injured by a kobold. You killed the first merchant perfectly, a single blow with your silver sword which tore apart his brain. The next one... well...
you tore apart his left lung, his liver, his right kidney, and his spleen. You also spilled his guts and tore numerous muscles in his torso and limbs. And you broke a whole bunch of his bones, too. Are you okay, Urist? do you need to talk to somebody about your anger sometime? I'm sure we could get you a therapist or something. Not me, though. You scare the shit out of me.
Signed,
Your terrified, if impressed, Overseer.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on January 03, 2011, 02:31:53 pm
Stop sending adept jewelers and great liar/dyers. We don't do anything involving jewels you beard-for-brained moron.
Post by: Avarage on January 03, 2011, 03:14:09 pm
Please stop using buckets to milk animals. I know buckets may seem more logical than barrels, and it may be quicker to fill a bucket than a barrel (lazy bastard), but you're wasting precious milk and you seem to refuse to want to use the buckets of milk for cheese production. If this does not cease and desist, you will be thrown outside into the tundra along with your four buckets of milk...
Sincerely,
The Omnipresent Force That Is About to Fill Your Room with Magma.
PS: Does anyone know how to make them stop using buckets for milking aside from forbidding/destroying all the buckets? There are plenty of barrels available. :(
Post by: Zrk2 on January 03, 2011, 03:42:41 pm
you beard-for-brained moron.
You do know that that is every dwarf ever?
Post by: Jacob/Lee on January 03, 2011, 03:43:27 pm
You'd be surprised, I've seen a few dwarves that can match atleast the intelligence of a monkey.you beard-for-brained moron.
You do know that that is every dwarf ever?
Post by: MadBoat on January 03, 2011, 08:22:52 pm
I suppose I am not as miffed as I could have been. I did not, thankfully, spend much time trying to rescue you and your 6 companions from the fate you clearly wanted. However, in case it is not obvious to you, a lake which literally opens up into the mouth of Hell is not a suitable place for a new settlement to extend the power and glory of the Mountianhomes. Please enjoy gargling demon mayonaise.
your Bugged Out Overseer
Post by: Vorthon on January 03, 2011, 08:30:32 pm
Dear Urist McSitechooser,
I suppose I am not as miffed as I could have been. I did not, thankfully, spend much time trying to rescue you and your 6 companions from the fate you clearly wanted. However, in case it is not obvious to you, a lake which literally opens up into the mouth of Hell is not a suitable place for a new settlement to extend the power and glory of the Mountianhomes. Please enjoy gargling demon mayonaise.
your Bugged Out Overseer
Holy Shit. :o
I want that save.
Post by: CapnUrist on January 03, 2011, 08:34:56 pm
I'm quite disappointed with you so far, I must say. I pointed to the river over a year ago, when you and your six colleagues first arrived to settle this land, and said "Go get some fish for your friends."
Since then, two waves of migrants have arrived. Two of your colleagues have become accomplished planters and have up swimming in strawberries and prickle berries. A wood burner and another of your colleagues have both taken up the crossbow and learned its use, and are each bringing in a horse or groundhog once a week, at least.
You, however, have not caught a single god-damned thing. Whether you're trying to fish in the murky pools despite the river being designated as a fishing zone, or standing on the bridge, staring into the water, you have yet to pull one living thing out of the water since I've met you. I doubt you could catch a cold if I threw you into the river. You are the ONLY dwarf here who has remained a peasant. You are a disgrace, and once I figure out an appropriate chastisement that will not kill or cripple you outright, you will wish you had brought me a god-damned fish market.
Post by: Corwyn on January 03, 2011, 09:12:26 pm
It pains me to report that upon investigation of this area I discovered a mighty Cyclops living in the nearby hills. I immediately barred the area as restricted, as he seemed to be content with his large rats and naked moledog pets and/or future meals and we certainly cannot tackle a beast of his power with just a single steel battle axe and no armor in our favor.
This comes about necessitating a letter to you, as your brother Urist McBonecrafter and Urist McCarpenter apparently decided that they love the smell of dead rats and went past the forbidden area, into the cave, and tried to take the Cyclops dinner.
In the accompanying boxes you'll find the paste that was your former family members after the cyclops stomped them flat in short order.
I don't know if you sent these poor souls to me because they needed training or if they had nowhere else to go. But please, quit breeding if the rest of your family is this stupid.
~Administrator of BrokenBrook
Post by: CapnUrist on January 03, 2011, 11:14:20 pm
I know that the coming of spring is a wonderful thing, and deserves celebration. But when we are racing against the river thawing to get the bridges, the ones that will keep said river from flooding what will be your fortress, linked up to the control lever, throwing wild parties in the little shed I had you put up to keep the rain off and cougars away does not work toward getting the bridges linked. Especially when the one who throws the party is the mechanic.
This is the second year in a row I found myself wiping sweat off my brow mere days before the river resumed its flow. As exciting it is, stop throwing parties to celebrate the arrival of spring. It's not like we don't have food or something.
Signed,
Your Exasperated Coordinator.
P.S. Still waiting on those fish, Urist. YAH!
Post by: Fien on January 03, 2011, 11:30:44 pm
Why aren't you planting? The new farm is plowed and ready for seeds, so go ahead and stick some in the ground. And just in case you were confused, the farm is across the hall from the dining room you refuse to leave.....trust me when I say that nothing is gonna grow in that place (except communistic tendencies and that pile for cat turds in the corner; why has no one cleaned that up yet? You dorfs enjoy the pleasant aroma or something?)
The fact is Urist, I'm sick of your lazy ass. Do you know how unimportant you truly are? You are a god damned PLANTER. You put seeds in the dirt. Hell, you could just DROP them in the general area of the mud and something would grow. You could walk by with a hole in you seed pocket and OH SHIT PLANTS HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!
So yeah, if you could get on that I can avoid the trouble of dropping you in the river.
The Unknowable Other
Edit: Now everyone is starving.......I WONDER WHO'S FAULT THAT IS? Your worthless ass is gonna be fishing for the rest of your days. And you will be using your bare hands.
SAY HI TO THE CARP FOR ME!
Post by: mrbaggins on January 04, 2011, 05:41:10 am
Dear Rimtar Kedushat, Queen of The Neutral Wooden Hanes,
Stop sending adept jewelers and great liar/dyers. We don't do anything involving jewels you beard-for-brained moron.
Dear loyal subject,
Neither do we.
Your glorious and thoughtful leader,
Rimtar Kedushat, Queen of The Neutral Wooden Hanes,
Post by: Qinetix on January 04, 2011, 10:27:17 am
From The unseen force that controls the fortress and orders you to dig adamantine
Post by: Killabyte on January 04, 2011, 10:31:40 am
No, im not letting you down. You removed the stairs the wrong way and trapped yourself on the roof. So stay there. Make friends with the buzzards.
From
Killabyte, Grand Mechanic and Overseer
Post by: Lielac on January 05, 2011, 07:56:55 am
DODGE FOR THE STAIRS. NOT INTO THE HOLES. ::) It's extremely irritating to clean blood off adamantine. I know magma is dangerous, but THINK A LITTLE.
No love,
Lielac, your overlady
Dear Urist McStrandExtractor,
Hurry it up a little, please? I want to have my military decked out some time before we all die of old age!
Some love,
Lielac, your overlady
Post by: Iados on January 05, 2011, 09:53:55 am
the next time i order you to breach a wall for expanding my magma lake, please use the new ramp i builded for you, NOT the one flooded with magma. Hoping you are resting well in your tomb,
Iados
Post by: FrisianDude on January 05, 2011, 10:14:09 am
you are ripping me off here, man, ripping me off. And take some better stuff with you.
Post by: sicksock on January 05, 2011, 09:20:59 pm
Please finish digging out the 4 squares left in my 36x26 combined storage and workshops, I want to build the damn thing already.
Sincerely, the guy in charge of the magma pumps
Post by: billybobfred on January 06, 2011, 12:54:26 am
Re: Booze
I understand that we have run completely out of all alcohol. This is my fault. However, for future reference, when I am busy ordering the McMiner brothers to pierce the frozen aquifer and the McMason brothers to build unmelting ice walls to keep us dry when spring arrives, I'm not going to think to check the stocks. Try saying something if this happens next winter.
I have McBrewer on the job. Try not to mob him too hard when he finishes that first barrel.
Post by: Alternatecash on January 06, 2011, 02:04:42 am
I do not care that you spent 20 years of your life learning to make soap. I will not have effeminate human notions of cleanliness in my fortress.
Enjoy your new career feeding the endless hunger of the smelters.
Signed; An avatar of Armok
Post by: Avarage on January 06, 2011, 03:16:56 am
Please tell me how you managed to kill your Axelord coach in a sparring session with a wooden training sword.
I'm not angry, because you may just be on to something.
If you could teach the rest of the military how to be so deadly with wooden weapons, it would give my weaponsmiths a break,
and we could conquer the world with wooden swords alone.
Sincerely,
Your impressed and confused overlord.
Post by: sicksock on January 06, 2011, 06:37:42 am
Please stop filling your waterskin from the brook hundreds of metres from the water source inside of our great (safe) obsidian fortress. Doing so leaves you venerable to the huge goblin siege that just showed up a mere 20 metres away from you and is charging as I write.
On second thoughts, nevermind.
Sincerly, Armok
Post by: Lex Talionias on January 06, 2011, 07:27:36 am
I am truly impressed, you work methodically and quickly to pave the streets and raise buildings in the glorious mountaincity the bastions. you all worked together to build the wall that keeps the goblins entering any place they please so our military can get to them before they get to our fair citizens. working along side the miners you built a glorious a water system under the entire city that provides well access within 20 blocks of any location in the city. truly magnificent work, i know it is far form gracious of me to criticize you as you work tirelessly and efficiently... but why do you leave random sections of floor and walls unbuilt? one of the truly luxurious noble housing estates was missing a single section of wall for the better part of 2 years after the rest of it was nearly built in a single week and that section was only done because i moved it back to the top of your building instructions 10 times... further more the cloth working shop was missing floors and walls on the second story which violates OHS in ways i cant begin to describe.
the lord mayor Shem
ps; yes i know the stigma around nobles in our society but i remind you i was originally just a bookkeeper and i have seen this city safely through 2 goblin ambushes that were less then a month apart so don't give me any of that 'useless noble' crap.
((not kidding, my mayor Shem Melbiluvel is an awesome dude, dose his job well and doesn't make many mandates except one for a single window which he ended without it being made in the end))
Post by: billybobfred on January 06, 2011, 01:23:28 pm
Re: Quarry Bush Leaves
See all those leaves? Cook them. They serve no other purpose but to be cooked. Plump helmets can be made into wine. Pig tails can be made into thread or ale. The booze is booze. But the quarry bush leaves?
They're just taking up space. Cook them.
Post by: Musashi on January 06, 2011, 02:10:36 pm
Sorry you got arbitrarily imprisoned for my decision to go against the ban and gift an extremely nice large gem to the mountainhomes, in order to speed up the arrival of the king. You're a legendary wood burner, my duke/mayor really likes large gems, and like most nobles, he can be unfair and all. You definitely didn't deserve it.
Well, I'm sorry everybody forgot to feed and water you. I did all I could, with several bastards walking around, jobless, but quite able to carry meals and drinks. They're just... well, you know. Fun-sized alcoholic sociopaths with ADD. Oh well. Hope it's nice wherever you are.
Send my greetings to Armok,
Your Overseer who's somewhat pleased that for once, a dead dwarf leaves no family behind
Post by: ElthMysterius on January 06, 2011, 07:05:19 pm
Dear Urist McWeaponsmith,
When you made your demands for materials, I made sure you were only supplied with steel, despite you going straight for the copper at first (seriously? Copper makes terrible weapons! ). And then you worked hard. You toiled and toiled. You could've gone down in history as the one who made that artifact weapon that felled titans, forgotten beasts, and innumerable goblins. A weapon of legend wielded by a dwarf of legend, made by a smith of legend!
Instead, you came up with this.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
While it is undoubtadly an extremely deadly weapon, how did you expect anyone to use the damn thing in battle? Nevertheless, it now rests in a trap flanked by two silver statues of our great military commander. You know, the one who really could've used an artifact battle axe.
Ass.
- Sincerely, Elth Mysterius the Anger of Disappointment.
Post by: billybobfred on January 07, 2011, 12:06:11 am
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on January 07, 2011, 12:15:00 am
Also, artifact corkscrew + other stuff = simultaneous noble-pleasing device and noble-"cleansing" device.
Post by: ElthMysterius on January 07, 2011, 12:55:36 am
You have an extra 's' in there.
Also, artifact corkscrew + other stuff = simultaneous noble-pleasing device and noble-"cleansing" device.
No no, there ARE three consecutive 's'es in there.
Also I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have my militia commander weild an artifact. Even if it's a statue of him that does it.
Post by: Lex Talionias on January 07, 2011, 01:40:21 am
is there anyway for you to contact whatever possessed you and entice it to come to our fort as a weaponsmith? Solamnunok 'the national number' is the greatest bronze battle axe ever seen and weilded by our milta commander has hewn its way through 3 goblin ambushes with it and the rest of our weapons are... 'lacking' by comparison. lets just face it a skilled weaponsmith cant make anything to compare to your creation. however im just saying you could have been promoted form whatever menial task you do and be our legendary weaponsmith if you had just gone and had a secretive or fea mood! just saying is all.
also, same goes to that asshole leatherworker who went and made a shitty leather buckler called 'wiltedmorals', while not the pride of the millitary you would have been made a great armour to gear up our crossbowmen in top of the range gear instead of being a nobody to be replaced by the first semi-competent migrant.
Sencirly, Urist McWouldLikeBetterArmourAndWeapons already.
Post by: Ieb on January 07, 2011, 06:41:49 am
Please stop climbing up walls, or dropping down them.
Seriously. At first I thought it would be but a case of some idiot doing these stunts by themself, but now there have been three cases where you suddenly became z-level challenged and went either up or down a wall or a cliff.
It wouldn't be as bad if you actually WENT BACK UP or WENT BACK DOWN by yourself, but noo. You have to stand there with a thumb in your ass and wonder how you're going to get out of this situation. Well let me tell you how, by wasting our mason's time.
We've lost one dwarf to dehydration already when he climbed up a wall and never bothered to tell about it, so try not to get added to such an embarrassing list of casualties.
Post by: Namfuak on January 07, 2011, 07:57:53 am
I know that you really love that bronze shield. And, after hitting a goblin thief with it for 4 pages of combat reports, I must say I was quite impressed when you decapitated him with it. However, it is not as effective as your weapon, and as such I must ask that during sieges you refrain from using your shield in lieu of your axe, as there are many more goblins than dwarves, and it isn't fair that the rest of your squadmates should have to hack through the other twenty goblins while you bash on one the whole fight.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McMayor,
I gotta say, for the most part you are probably the best mayor I have ever had. You like fine pewter, which I can make plenty of, and short swords, which I agree are very good to make. On top of that, you made a legendary fine pewter sword, which I deemed inefficient enough to give to the captain of the guard and allowed you to become a legendary weaponsmith and fulfill your own mandates. Because of how cool I think you are, I specially made a few fine pewter items for your rooms, where most nobles only get things made out of rock.
But, for the love of Armok, GET OFF THE SPACE WHERE THAT STATUE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MADE. ARMOK DAMN IT, YOU'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE SAME DAMN SPOT FOR LIKE A MONTH NOW, IT ISN'T EVEN DESIGNATED AS A MEETING AREA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Signed,
Your peeved, but still satisfied, Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on January 07, 2011, 05:22:39 pm
When you came to this fort, I noticed your skill at stonework. I chose to make that your main occupation instead of your original milling, as we simply do not need millers.
You persevered, and recently engraved your first true engraving (as opposed to just smoothing walls). I disagree with your choice of a narrow beast, whatever that is, but I can't complain much. /at least you didn't engrave it in some child's room. However, the purpose of this letter is to congratulate you.
You were taken off of the engraving position you like so much in order to a.) make rock blocks for the fortress-saving well (my fault that it was needed, and I hope that alcohol will soon enter you and your fellow dwarves), and b.) make the well. Congratulations; I will have a room made for you in the platinum vein that our miners are excavating. I am glad that the well was built before most of our population, including useful ones like you, dropped dead like in a previous fort.
More in the spirit of my fellows, please make those rock armor and weapon stands for our sheriff.
To all dwarves:
As you know, our new well (made out of microcline and an iron chain) was recently completed. Please come up and drink before you die of thirst. Uvash gets first drink.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer.
EDIT:
Addendamum: I'm serious. All of you idlers? Get your dehydrated selves out to the well before you die of thirst.
Post by: shlorf on January 07, 2011, 06:05:41 pm
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.
Post by: Lyceq on January 07, 2011, 07:43:00 pm
Please learn to use soap.
Sincerely,
Servant of Armok
Post by: Ze Spy on January 07, 2011, 08:07:58 pm
No
Post by: Shootandrun on January 07, 2011, 08:18:16 pm
Fuck you.
To the human diplomat:
The only thing you will see in my fortress, little spy, is fifty bolts being shot at you.
To the goblins getting ready to attack:
I needed some tests for my experiments. Your death will help the dwarven science.
To the FB trying to breach in:
Come and get me, bastard.
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 07, 2011, 11:59:48 pm
Aside from our apparently blind Hammerer repeatedly demanding Lay pewter thrones which he gets then claims he didnt get and the other nobles demanding crap we dont even remotely have, you are all doing very well indeed. To date, you have killed:
Two dragons
Fifty Goblins, including 3 legendaries
Seventy-Five elves, with whom out parent civ is at war
Fifty horses, belonging to said elves
Fourteen kobolds
You have made:
12 artifacts totalling hundreds of thousands of dorfbucks
And, of the 50 or so warriors, ten of you are title legendary champions
all that remains now is to find the HFS, err, the cotton candy. Carry on!
Post by: Corwyn on January 08, 2011, 01:56:31 am
I realize I had taken a nap as we were arriving, when you fellows awoke me to advise we had arrived and requested orders on where and how to set up our new community, it is either the world's worst prank or you were letting the mules into the ale whilst our driver was asleep too for when you woke me up next to the active volcano vent.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So, we're alive, good job. To be honest I almost abandoned you to your gristly fates as dwarfburgers as soon as I saw where you had parked. But I am reasonable, I did tell you to park in the middle of these coordinates, and you did follow instructions quickly. There may be some hope for this kingdom yet.
~The Management
Post by: fijkus on January 08, 2011, 03:57:05 am
Really, it was my first time dealing with a possessed dwarf. You weren't too demanding. I would like to think that it was good for both of us, but I get the feeling that the mountain didn’t move when we were done. No legendary items, and your depressed as hell. What gives?
Oh, right. I didn’t know how to butcher our animals.
Please get better soon.
Signed,
Your sympathetic overseer
Dear Hippy Freeloving Elf Diplomat,
Why haven’t you placed demands on my fortress yet? I mean, I appreciate you leaving me alone on account of the stick that’s ritualistically implanted into your species rectum at birth, but I’ll be needing a pretext for war soon so that I can test that mechanic.
It’s summer of year 2. If I don’t get a good siege by year 4 to test my defenses, I’m just going to start digging down. So if in 10 years you find that my fortress is an abandoned hell mount and you’re having to deal with HFS coming to the surface because the Dagelkab Expeditionary Force failed to conquer hell, well, it’s really all your fault.
Like everything else.
Signed,
The overseer
Post by: FrisianDude on January 08, 2011, 06:12:46 am
Dear UristMcFeyWeaponsmiths, no we didn't need a second adamantine mace, we didn't even need the first, neither did we need the aluminum battle axe or McBowyers legendary blowgun. Thanks for making my game crash when i tried to sentence you to a painful death at the hands of a deadly dust forgotten beast. Now UristMcCook can become our forts 10th legendary bonecarver after i reload.You're not entirely right in the head, are you? :o
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.
Post by: TolyK on January 08, 2011, 06:19:56 am
GTFO.
-Note on the door. To the !!dungeon!!. Which he didn't bother reading.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 08, 2011, 05:25:03 pm
I said to store the stone in the stockpile, not be eaten by an alligtor.
I care about you, I really do, so next time, can you follow my orders?
Love,
Mr. Diety.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 08, 2011, 05:27:17 pm
Dear UristMcFeyWeaponsmiths, no we didn't need a second adamantine mace, we didn't even need the first, neither did we need the aluminum battle axe or McBowyers legendary blowgun. Thanks for making my game crash when i tried to sentence you to a painful death at the hands of a deadly dust forgotten beast. Now UristMcCook can become our forts 10th legendary bonecarver after i reload.You're not entirely right in the head, are you? :o
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.
Cotton Candy blunt weapons are as good as a weapon made of actual cotton candy.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 08, 2011, 05:40:31 pm
So, you hammer the poor lye maker just because he didn't make you your tallow earrings?
I know I don't use lyemakers often, but that's just mean.
Actully, on second thought, nevermind.
He deserved it. I even made you a new office.
Pay no attention the absurdly warm walls.
Post by: noob on January 08, 2011, 10:29:37 pm
stop building walls so you get trapped on the other side and starve to death.
if this happens in the future i will have no choice but to send some goblin archers to shoot at you until you dodge off the platform and fall 1 z level to the ground. please jump instead if risking half the fort. it wont kill you.
~the overseer
Post by: billybobfred on January 09, 2011, 12:48:31 am
Re: The Situation
Silk? Silk? What the fuck is so great about silk. We had fifty billion *pig tail cloth* and you wanted spider silk from the caverns. Well, I found the caverns for you, and now the elk birds formerly running around in the caverns are running around in our fort. This is your fault.
Memo to the military of Estriththining, "Spysap"
Re: The Situation
Okay. I admit, having turned off invasions, I believed I could be lax in figuring out how to make you train under the DF2010 system. So it's my fault you're not very good at what you do. That said, why the hell didn't you SHOOT the elk-birds? There are only two of you, yes, but you're novice archers and you both have the title "Bird-shooter". Really, this isn't hard to figure out. Crossbows are for launching bolts, not hitting things. This is your fault.
Memo to everyone else of Estriththining, "Spysap"
Re: The Situation
COME ON. The elk birds will basically ignore you completely if you don't provoke them. The only reason I bothered sending the military after them at all is because YOU KEPT SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER ABOUT THE SCARY-ASS HARMLESS BIRDS. This is your fault.
Post by: MythagoWoods on January 09, 2011, 12:51:09 am
You took down a freakin' 600 year old ETTIN who had been terrorizing the country side with a ragtag group with copper armor and weapons and suffered NO casualties. How in the name of Armok did all 30 of you get wasted by 3 leather clad, silver axe wielding goblins? Dwarven Warriors... I am disappoint.
Sincerely,
your disappointed Overseer
Post by: Lex Talionias on January 09, 2011, 04:39:36 am
well due to a clerical error you were told to dig a down ramp instead of an up ramp, honestly you dug an underground tunnel with only one way out, im sure you should have been able to work out that you shouldn't destroy your one way out. however i must say the new extension to the aqua duct you dug out under our fair city of 'bastions' is fantastic, still i didn't intend for you to connect it to main aqueduct until it had been properly drained, but i guess that is both your fault and problem as we needed to stop you starving to death and contaminating the water supply. i have had this letter sent to the main sewer access which once you learn how to swim i'm sure you will find... eventually. please think harder about your actions in the future and try harder not to trap yourself in a life threatening situation.
yours, Lord Mayor Shem Melbiluvel
Post by: FrisianDude on January 09, 2011, 08:00:19 am
Err, oops. I forgot about that. I can see the problem. Still, it has value I suppose.You're not entirely right in the head, are you? :o
Cotton Candy blunt weapons are as good as a weapon made of actual cotton candy.
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 09, 2011, 11:33:01 am
Dear Urist McMilitary,
You took down a freakin' 600 year old ETTIN who had been terrorizing the country side with a ragtag group with copper armor and weapons and suffered NO casualties. How in the name of Armok did all 30 of you get wasted by 3 leather clad, silver axe wielding goblins? Dwarven Warriors... I am disappoint.
Sincerely,
your disappointed Overseer
This. It happened to me. I had a group of dwarves that wrestled down a HYDRA, only to get their asses kicked by goblins two seasons later.
Post by: Ancre on January 09, 2011, 11:43:07 am
After you killed something, please take our weapons back to your rooms. Don't toss them somewhere random on the map ; you'll have to search for them afterwards, and if you're assigned to kill crundles on the third cavern system, well you're going to walk a long time to get the swords that you ythre outside of the fortress.
Dear butcher :
See that dead, mutilated animal ? Butcher it. I know it wasn't killed by a hunter, but come on, it's going to be as good as any other meat once you've butchered it. So butcher it. Else, if the dwarves get hungry and turns on their comrades, I'll make sure you'll be the first one to be sacrified for the well-being of our community.
Thank you for your attention ;
your hivemind.
Post by: Gr33kjester on January 09, 2011, 05:11:03 pm
Please, Hammer w]dwarfs, this is are first winter, I have 3 of you, 2 competent and 1 Skilled, please, stop flooding the hospitable by ACCIDENTLY breaking you hand, then making it better, I know the nurses are hot, but please, WORK!!!!
Signed,
Joseph Jester
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 09, 2011, 07:59:16 pm
Very impressive!
In our search for Adament, I was shocked with your run-in with a Reacher.
But, you stood calm, and brained it with your pick.
not only that, you also found the precious ore as well!
Nice work,
Mr. Deity.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 09, 2011, 08:31:19 pm
No. We dug to deep. We're doomed. We might have been able to seal of the caverns if you didn't keep going into them. I mean, theres not even anything in there.
Exasperated, Mr. Diety.
Post by: cog disso on January 09, 2011, 08:34:24 pm
How much are they paying you? I'll double it.
Post by: Horizon9 on January 09, 2011, 10:50:48 pm
Next time we get accosted by a Kobold, try to dispatch it without letting it insert its dagger into your head. Especially if you haven't even HIT the damn thing yet.
Seriously we had to leave it to Urist McMiner to finish off the Kobold, and he got out without a scratch. Even the planters joined in without getting injured. How did you, a Skilled Axeman, get finished off that quickly? From a counterattack no less. The only reason you got a tomb was because I didn't need your ghost bothering the working class dwarves around here.
Your disappointed Overlord.
Post by: TheeBaconman on January 11, 2011, 12:32:23 am
I'm sorry you lost your buddies, they shouldn't have been outside. We have rules here, and anyone caugh outside is sentenced to death by enemies. You didn't have to tantrum and punch half the cave!
P.S. GREAT SHOT!!! That baby you hit with a barrel! I mean a tiny BABY, with a BARREL! Killed instantly too! Don't feel bad, and tell his/her parents that 'future imperfect' was going into the cannon fodder squad anyways!
P.S.S. Stop tantruming, it is kinda annoying.
Post by: Qinetix on January 11, 2011, 12:47:19 am
I get it that you like to engrave masterpieces in my fortress , but please build that walls and fortifications before a siege eventually pops in
From the unseen force that controls this fortress
Post by: Fredd on January 11, 2011, 12:52:12 am
We know you try, but in your free time, which you have loads, research military science a wee bit more. If you knew how to properly run, the military, there would be less boo boos, and you could save your energy, from not cussing us, for said boo boos.
Sincerely, the Militia
(P.S Bomreck the axedwarf totally disagrees. She likes having no job to do)
Post by: Horizon9 on January 11, 2011, 01:24:26 am
Bravo, you cheeky little devil. As you probably know your much more skilled leader of the squad was taken down in one shot by a kobold last year, and said kobold had to be killed by a miner.
You, on the other hand, have just made your overlord very proud. You faced much stronger prey, a goblin snatcher in fact, and proceeded to dismember it messily. To show our gratitude, we are digging out a new tomb, which shall be decorated accordingly, you will be assigned the best coffin we can make, and we shall attempt to give you some armor that is not made of cloth, among other changes.
Keep up the good work,
Your very pleased overlord.
Post by: Devling on January 11, 2011, 01:47:16 am
STOP BEING A FAIL HUNTER!!! AND FINISH THE FARM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Urist McOverlord on January 11, 2011, 01:55:38 am
Lighting the world on fire and killing the elven caravans are our job. Please stop.
Yours singed-ly,
Urist.
Post by: Bearorrist on January 11, 2011, 05:24:03 pm
I admire your gusto in killing Elk for my fledgling fortress, please remember to not drop your axe when you see your target next time.
Your Disappointed Leader
Post by: Samuel on January 11, 2011, 11:20:02 pm
Sir, I declare that you do not know the meaning of true dwarfiness! Our military's work was both admirable, fantastic, and dwarfy: They literally coated an entire hallway in the blood of a single Giant Olm. A short, narrow hallway in the caverns, but I digress. Why would you do something so explicitly undwarf-like as cleaning up such a beautiful paint job?
You can go on about sanitary workplaces, and risk of infection, and the god-awful unbelievably bad smell, but I know what all this is really about.
When the elf caravan arrives in a couple months, feel free to leave with them.
Signed,
An Unamused Overseer
PS before you make up your mind to begin your tree-f***ing, you should probably be informed that the elves will be leaving the fortress through a drain designed to wash their water-logged and bloated corpses out of the trading room. See? That's how real dwarves do it.
Post by: Venturi on January 12, 2011, 02:36:50 pm
While sending out the 20 unarmed soldiers
Also after the
- signed
Your Evil Oppressor
Post by: LunatictheInvincible on January 13, 2011, 03:42:04 pm
A couple of weeks ago we opened up the underworld on accident. Ergo, to buy time for the construction of defenses, or to eliminate the threat outright, I ordered all twenty-five of you down the fairly short staircase and into the smithing operation's area so that we could have an organized an effective defense. However, only four of you answered the call and actually went into the fight. Unfortunately for all of us, despite their awesome skills, these four were unable to hold back the 30 or 40 enemies, although they did manage to slay twelve of the enemy they did have some issues from all of the smoke and steam and as such suffocated. Even while watching the valiant stand, I fully expected at least some of you to arrive as backup and we would manage to fight back the horde. But no, even your esteemed leader was too cowardly or drunk to join the fight with his artifact iron armor. Whereas I wish that I could have provided warrior burials for those valiant four and even the civilians and animals that were caught in the slaughter, I desire only to toss you twenty-one cowards into the underworld, in wooden caskets, with elves, and cats, and only water.
That's one fewer route,
The Paperboy
Dear Artifact-creator Bowyer,
Why, oh why, did you have to create that highwood razor bow? You do realize that it is completely useless to us. Even if we could sell artifacts, the dwarves want nothing to do with bows and the elves would try to kill us for attempting to sell them wood (unless we kill them first) not to mention that we can't create arrows here. If I didn't need crossbows for our military, not they use them in the fight detailed in the previous letter, I would have tossed you into the elf pen.
The Paperboy
Post by: Rhaken on January 13, 2011, 09:12:35 pm
We must say, we cannot fault your enthusiasm. The moment we hired you for the job, you immediately went about the task of dispensing dwarven justice, without even bothering to settle into your new home.
However, there is a matter we must discuss. As you know, you are currently tasked to fulfill the punishing of around half the fortress population. However, when issuing the warrants, Urist McDuke thought it appropriate to forego arrests and just have everyone beaten. A task which you have been quite dilligent at, despite having nothing but your own hands to dispense justice with.
We demand that you cease and desist immediately. You've already hospitalized three innocent dwarves, disrupted armor production, and made said armorer barf all over her baby of a few weeks for hours on end. You are also prone to ambushing unsuspecting "criminals" as they eat or drink, and this is upsetting everyone, including Urist McDuke who was half-mad to begin with.
Should you fail to comply, strict !!disciplinary actions!! will be taken. Also, we feel we should remind you that one of the "criminals" on your list is the chief medical dwarf. If he ends up too badly injured to do his job, you will be fired. Out of a magma cannon.
Sincerely,
The Administration
Post by: SlimyMarmot on January 13, 2011, 09:32:06 pm
It seems you enjoy the thrill of throwing parties. What's more, you seem to also enjoy the excitement of throwing them right when the fortress needs its mechanics to finish a key trap to save us from a flaming death.
After all the bodies have been cleared out, I'm celebrating our survival by letting you be the first one to throw a party at the fort's arena. Even though it will be locked for the duration of the event, don't worry about the lack of participants, I've invited ten naked goblins.
Sincerely,
Your Count his left lower arm is melted, his left upper arm is melted, his head is melted, his...
Post by: WVM2 on January 13, 2011, 10:05:29 pm
First off your overlord would like to sincerely welcome you to the fortress, but as you can see, were a little tight packed, with the fact you just doubled our numbers and all. Also, a warm, warm, hopefully EXTREMELY warm welcome to you and your 17 cohorts will be extended to you from our previous 17 residents. Enjoy your stay until we find the Spice, *cough* Magma,
-Overlord of the doomed channel of steel
Post by: Deus Machina on January 14, 2011, 05:39:42 am
You were the only military at the time, so I thank you for being quick in chasing down that goblin snatcher while he was tracking his supple, underage prey. But please try to remember that your bronze hammer acts more or less as sports equipment, and try not to harm the child with a projectile goblin in the future. Thank you.
Dear kobold thief,
Sorry you're missing all your body parts, but that's your own fault. A word of advice in the future: if you're trying to be sneaky, don't try stabbing dwarves. Our woodcutter didn't even notice the three misses, and you only managed to grab his attention when you stabbed him in the face. And got your dagger stuck. And he still managed to deconstruct you to your base parts before walking himself to the hospital.
That one's all on you, partner.
Post by: Horizon9 on January 14, 2011, 12:03:43 pm
I'm not even going to complain, because this problem can be easily solved, but if you even think for one moment you can get out of trading with the humans simply because you're "on break", I'll have to take drastic measures.
You weren't appointed just so you could lounge around and not work. You're lucky I even gave you the minimum requirements for your room, even if I cut corners. Now you can redeem yourself if you try, but if you don't, you're room will become public property, and you will be dealt with accordingly.
The Higher Power
Post by: Musashi on January 14, 2011, 12:57:25 pm
When you detect a goblin ambush... don't shoot at them. Run back inside the fort. Seriously. You are not enrolled. I repeat: YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ENROLLED. YOUR 10+ FRIENDS THINK YOU ARE WORTH MORE ALIVE.
Dammit,
your overseer who didn't give the previous fort's dwarfs a chance to live just so she could stumble on bigger retards
Post by: Corwyn on January 14, 2011, 04:18:29 pm
You appeared during a siege wanting to trade and your merchants died. I am greatly saddened by the loss of your
But you should vent your anger towards the goblins. Because your men are not getting any further than they did and I will take great pleasure in one day selling the large iron armors back to you.
In summary, if you think you can win this please, send more soldiers. My marksmen need more targets and my wrestlers can use sword training on someone tall.
~The administration of SteelTrades
Post by: Ze Spy on January 15, 2011, 04:28:01 am
Look , i am going to Lock that door shut and let you all get killed by Giant cave spiders for that rediculously stupid Joke about the Generate-creatures-out-of-nothing cavern , Have Fun
To the Frontline Soldiers of Halflife
Hey! Your equipment is over here in the barracks!
Signing off
The Administration of Halflife
Post by: tomas1297 on January 15, 2011, 04:53:20 am
I just had to make this.
Post by: Ieb on January 15, 2011, 05:15:24 am
Dear dwarves. I know that the underground caverns are dangerous, with exotic wildlife present that often is much larger than you are. That's why we have cage traps there, to catch, tame and sell these creatures.
Sometimes, accidents happen. Like when two of our woodworkers went to carry some of the caged creatures, and found that a few of the predatory megalizards were still there, and quite hungry.
So obviously, I sent the soldiers there to clean the place up and secure the location until all was cleaned up, the bodies, the cages and traps reloaded.
When the driders showed up, it was as much of a surprise to me and everyone present that all the legendary soldiers were torn apart in a few seconds with little to no harm to the enemies, who gained names and some even titles as the civilians ran downstairs to carry the cages that others attempted and were torn apart for.
With 75% of the fort dead to the driders, I hope you didn't mind too much when I drowned the rest of you in magma.
Hoping to learn from his mistake, Your Overlord.
Post by: Musashi on January 15, 2011, 08:44:59 am
... you did well. You killed the most invaders and made the best use of our labyrinthine fortifications. You never flinched, nor tried to "pick up equipment" on the other side of the battlefield for random reasons, nor attempted even once to turn your crossbows into makeshift hammers.
I truly command your skills.
You make me proud.
I'm pretty damn impressed.
Sieges ain't got nothing on you.
Long live the Rough Chambers!
Your overseer who has nothing witty to respond
Post by: Seanp888 on January 15, 2011, 12:27:54 pm
I realize you enjoy walking around my magma filled fortress but was it really smart of you to walk through a area about to be filled with magma then take a nap there , But in the very least thank you for some how getting yourself out of the magma before dieing of !!bloodloss!! and making sure we can store your !!Clothing!! in our wooden bins
From : !!Your Friendly Neighborhood Baron!!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on January 15, 2011, 12:59:29 pm
I understand that I haven't told you to kill gnomes or some of those gators. Please, bear with me, and don't go to the end of mining tunnels to toss your helm in with the rubble.
Post by: Kluge on January 15, 2011, 04:16:08 pm
We appreciate your dedication to stockpiling hundreds of logs in case a prolonged Security Level Orange confines carpenters to their burrows.
However, we have recently been informed that while 10 peasants are dedicated haulers, the wife of our only miner was permitted to rot in the dining area. As you may be aware, her death was the result of her interest in leatherworking while no lw infrastructure is present in the fortress, which led to a berserk rage. Intra-fortress studies indicate dwarves killed while berserk come back as very angry ghosts who wish to kill you and all associates of you unless they are properly laid to rest.
Further adding to my distress, this particular dwarf was friends with many important figures, including myself.
Thus, after much discussion and debate, Management has decided to cut ALL peasant burrows off of booze until performance improves. We have also placed a lever in the Management rooom which, if pulled, will unleash a torrent of magma on all of you.
Sincerely,
Monom Oslanmatul, Supreme Imperial Expedition Leader, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Unnamed Reptile man civilization, and Elect of Armok.
Post by: TolyK on January 15, 2011, 04:27:09 pm
ghost problem solved ;D
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 15, 2011, 04:54:49 pm
(http://img10.mediafire.com/98f947eb86fb45c2eaf9cd6affad371cb733f3be20a7a04c6ddac6db9f5b7d0b4g.jpg)
I just had to make this.
it's... glorious.
Post by: Darvi on January 15, 2011, 05:26:10 pm
Please stop going insane simply because I don't have the materials for your project.
Be patient and I'm sure I can find something.
Suicide is not the answer!.
Post by: Beardless on January 15, 2011, 07:15:08 pm
Remember that troll that got into the stairwell? Remember how your entire squad spent a week wrestling it to death? Remember how Mafol got torn up pretty bad?
Remember when I gave you that nice office? With all the medical equipment?
I did that because you're the Chief Medical Dwarf. I cancelled your sparring practice because you're the Chief Medical Dwarf. I exempted you from hauling because you're the Chief Medical Dwarf. So what do you do? You go off to "Manage Work Orders".
Tell you what. I'll cancel all work orders, except for one: Stop Managing Work Orders and Start Diagnosing!!!
-Someone you really don't want to piss off
edit:
Eventually gave up and appointed someone else Manager.
Then did it all over again with Bookkeeping.
And then he decides he really needs to put away that shield he's not using. (Nevermind that everyone's set to wear their uniform even when off duty.)
Oh, and now he's chopping a tree down.
Individual sparring practice. Screw this, I'm disbanding the whole squad.
...and there he goes putting the rest of his uniform away.
And finally, when there's absolutely nothing else left to do, he sits around with "No Job".
If assigning him a burrow doesn't work, I'm going to have to kill him.
Post by: Shootandrun on January 15, 2011, 07:17:30 pm
WHY THE HELL DID YOU DODGED INTO THIS MAGMA PIPE, SOLDIER? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
I hope you understand me,
Your overseer
Post by: Buttery_Mess on January 15, 2011, 08:46:31 pm
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on January 15, 2011, 08:52:53 pm
Why, broker, why must everything else be so much more important to you than going to the god-damned depot? And why does nobody else turn up when you decide it's time for a kip, or a smoke-o?
a) Because trading is a low-priority job.
b) Only Broker may trade / Anyone may trade (q - select trade depot - b)
Post by: Beardless on January 15, 2011, 09:33:16 pm
See, that wasn't so bad now was it? Aren't you glad you didn't let your friend die? Keep it up and I may unlock the door.
-You Know Who
Dear Urist McHunter,
How on earth did you manage to get on top of that tree?
-Your Perplexed Overseer
Post by: MythagoWoods on January 15, 2011, 10:07:42 pm
I hope you and all your friends learned frm Urist McSacrificedMoronWhoRefusedToWork that DARING to state "No Job" for longer then one season leads to dire consequences. When I give you a job, even something like Cheese Maker, I expect you to do it. When I put up a massive hauling job, I expect you to do it. When I make you a soldier, I expect you to spar. But no, not Urist McSacrifice, he was quite content sitting in my dining room and kitchen stuffing his face. Hey Urist McSacrifice, pull my lever that drops you 10 z levels. Well what do you know, the first job you actually decided to do since you arrived, good on ya. Let Urist McSacrifice be a lesson to everyone. Stating "No Job" kills.
-Your impatient overlord-
Post by: TolyK on January 16, 2011, 01:51:28 am
Dear Urist McHunter,I had this happen right now.
How on earth did you manage to get on top of that tree?
-Your Perplexed Overseer
Oh, and:
Dear Urist McGuyver,
Stop using that toy hammer for killing the troll and use your sword instead.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 16, 2011, 01:59:10 am
Why?
-armok
Post by: TolyK on January 16, 2011, 02:00:54 am
Dear Uristdon't you have this all the time?
Why?
-armok
Post by: Urist McTaverish on January 16, 2011, 02:02:31 am
Well I didn't expect that airlock to work so well. No don't expect to be freed until either you get put out or die, probably of thirst before blood loss. Seriously. You've been on fire for TWO SEASONS. EXPIRE!
Your Loving Comrade What Lurks In The dark
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on January 16, 2011, 02:04:01 am
All I wanted you to do was pull the lever that would kill every non-crippled dwarf in the fort except for you. I even crippled your wife so that she could survive the purge. Why did you have to do that stockpiling job first? Now there are survivors because they were impatient and got drinks/food. And you aren't one of them.
-With all the hate in the world,
Urist Imiknorris, Professional God
Post by: Lagslayer on January 16, 2011, 02:06:05 am
Please dump the hematite so I can patch up that hole in the wall. And please, for the love of Armok, finish hauling that hydra corpse before you start on the goblinite.
Post by: poca on January 16, 2011, 09:01:53 pm
Welcome to my fortress. I understand how rude it is that this form letter didn't even bother to replace the generic name with your actual name but being a noble in this fortress is by far the most dangerous job here and if history teaches us anything, it teaches us that the only creature alive with a shorter life expectancy than a noble in this fortress is a fly; flies never seen a full moon twice so I won't bother to learn your name until you have seen the same month twice.
The only way that you will actually earn enough respect to be a viable leader in this fortress is by showing the masses that you posses both the capability and will to do what you ask them to do. For this reason, you should be aware that any decree you make may tasked by myself solely to you. This is not an empty threat; every noble's first decree will _always_ be solely implemented by themselves.
This policy became a necessity when a noble decreed that slade goods should be built. Slade is only found underneath the world and is being walked upon by the hordes of countless demons (you can spend the rest of your life counting the demons and still not count them all). Many tried to use reason to dissuade this insanity but reason won't budge insanity. So I set this noble to work building a stairway down to his doom. Everybody in the fortress stopped dead when he finally breached the demon realm because we could all hear the terrifying sound of the demon realm. That indescribable sound left every livening thing in the fortress unable to move until a death scream woke me up enough to pull the lever that severed the fools destiny from our own.
This policy has resulted in abnormal life expectancies. The nobles generally kill themselves within a year but everybody else tends to die of old age and that means this fortress' workers spend their entire lives honing their skills to the point that they are all legends. They have used their skill to make this the wealthiest and most uxorious fortress in the world. This combination means we get the most skilled people from other fortresses when they are asked to commit suicide for their nobility.
Of course not _all_ nobles die. Some have a combination of hardiness and luck that only lands them in hospital beds. The brighter ones either find another fortress or retire. The brilliant ones actually beat the heavy odds against them and yet are not only alive but respected. They do this by doing basic research that ensure their official acts are both meaningful and possible. The only nobles who don't stand a chance are those with the hubris to believe they are better than their subjects and the lack of curiosity to find out whether or not this is actually true.
The Overseer
Post by: sicksock on January 17, 2011, 12:52:57 am
Post by: zephyr_hound on January 17, 2011, 03:56:07 am
I know it's upsetting to see something that should rightfully be dead still up and walking, but please let me point a few things out.
Firstly, it is a zombie arctic fox. It is even smaller than a regular red fox. Not only that, it is slow moving because it is a zombie. Even your arch enemy, Urist McCivilianGemsetter, could punt that thing into the middle of next week.
Secondly, it is outside the city walls, four z-levels below you. It cannot possibly get to you while you are putting the roof on our Cathedral of Armok.
Thirdly, it is an arctic fox on the surface of the glacier. You are four z-levels above it and at least fifteen tiles away horizontally. How can you even SEE it down there in the snow?
Fourthly, you are actually the leader of our first and highest ranked military squad. Don't get me wrong, I am pleased to see you taking some time out from Individual Combat Drill to lend a hand to the construction workers, but I also have to remind you that you carry a masterwork steel axe. You are not setting a good example for your squad members by running up and down the battlements screaming. If the zombie arctic fox bothers you that much, go down and kill it or I shall draft you to do so.
Now PLEASE stop suspending construction every three seconds.
Thank you.
Post by: yaklin on January 17, 2011, 09:07:39 pm
The point of the drowning chamber attached to the hospital is so that I can end your suffering and then give you a proper burial and reacquire government property. So will you kindly cease your efforts to escape by going into the channel and up a ramp and die like a dwarf?
Post by: Hivemind on January 18, 2011, 06:51:32 am
We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success. Please pull the lever in the middle of the room, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave your room. Assume the 'Party Escort Submission Position' or you will miss the party.
Sincerely,
THE DIRECTOR
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 18, 2011, 07:38:00 am
My military killed you.
Nobody even really cared.
Boo Hoo for you,
Armok, God of Blood
Post by: Musashi on January 18, 2011, 09:22:13 am
I'm sorry 3 of your children out of 4 died, but maybe you should take the hint we reached a population of 200 not too long ago (no longer the case because, surprise, accidents happened) and one and a half page of kids (just a single page today for the same reasons as the above), and that maybe, just maybe, you should consider using contraceptives.
May I remind you that, in your species, alcohol absolutely is not a contraceptive? Or maybe it's just as toxic and it's why you bunch of morons are, well, morons?
Now is not the time for philosophical rhetoric. What I'm saying is that you'd be maybe happier if you and your husband didn't insist on making your own personal army of child mercenaries.
It's not my fault if the exploding-feet syndrome targets all the populations I can't make wear socks.
No love,
your Overseer who isn't paving the whole place for shit and giggles
Post by: Lex Talionias on January 18, 2011, 04:19:02 pm
look, i know your legendary +5 and that dose grant you a certain amount of leniency but for fuck sake quit it with all the fucking naps. magma smelting operations are still waiting to start because the primary magma vent is still not open yet, the haulers are actually dragging back all the stones and ores form the tunnel faster then the tunnel is moving! how is that possible? the vent is hundreds of paces away form the dumping site and there just arnt that many haulers. i'll tell you how it's bloody possible! you are spending more time in bed then swinging a pick!
Your very vengeful MiltaCaptain who is still waiting on his armor and praying the goblins are armed elven made hammers.
Post by: Musashi on January 18, 2011, 04:48:06 pm
my letter wasn't an incentive to give birth to yet another baby.
Let me spell that out for you then.
FUCK YOU.
No, not fuck you.
Go jump in a magma pool.
There.
Your Overseer who would like to get useful migrants again, not skillless, defenseless babies
Post by: K17U on January 18, 2011, 05:06:07 pm
I see you are all growing more content with your current situation. That is good, really.
After ruthlessly drafting all of you into the military right upon your arrival here, this is almost more than I would have hoped for.
However, all of You should realize one thing. The wooden training axes you're sparring with right now are nothing more than temporary solutions, and will be replaced with steel and/or adamantine axes as soon as possible. That might be a very vague statement, considering the state of our steel and/or adamantine industry right now, but nonetheless I have to insist that You do NOT grow attached to these wooden toys.
Sincerly
Your supreme leader
Post by: Silent_Thunder on January 18, 2011, 05:13:52 pm
Is there any chance you could Spay and Neuter my military? I'm tired of Urist McAxedwarf tantruming EVERY time one of his.... 12...13...15 children dies during a seige.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Dear Urist McAxedwarf,
Oh good you've gone berzerk. No matter, the military shall see to your..... oh.... thats gonna be a problem. Well im sure your children can calm..... ok thats disturbing Urist. Well at least the refugees are safe in.....the....caverns.... Oh dear...
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Horizon9 on January 18, 2011, 08:23:40 pm
I see you're enjoying your new armor. Well it's good that you like the armor we've assigned you, but we need to get some things straight. You're needed around the fortress, to make sure things are fine. Standing in the armor stockpile admiring your armor is not going to keep this fortress safe, considering the fact you're the only drafted dwarf until we get more migrants. I'd like for you to at least leave the stockpile every now and then.
Regards,
The Managment
Post by: billybobfred on January 19, 2011, 04:38:24 am
Re: your legendary status
Wow. Um, I do, as it happens, have, sort of, plans for a whole milk industry, thing, here, so you'll be very helpful on that front. But, uh, given that you can clearly migrate to any fort you want, why did you choose my tiny little one that hasn't even existed for two full years yet?
Post by: TolyK on January 19, 2011, 11:02:04 am
...
That is all.
Post by: Musashi on January 19, 2011, 11:27:56 am
there are more of you than I thought.
As of today, more than 10% of the population of 216 (!!!) dwarfs at Urnflashes of Autumn are underage. Yep.
26 children and babies.
Entire team is babies.
I warn you I'm gonna draft every single young peasant I see into the army.
... except the mayor because he's, well, the mayor, and a pretty decent one at that, and the peasant of the same age he's in love with because... because they're kinda cute together and I don't want the mayor to tantrum. Also, she's not underage anymore. And I really shouldn't need to give excuses as to why I won't doom kids, dammit!
So yeah.
They'll get all the discarded equipment they can find. Most will end up with leather armor and unmelted iron maces. I am in dire need of disposable meatshields.
Don't look at me like that. I warned you twice before. TWICE. But noooo you kept... doing whatever you're doing, and I seriously hope it's that spore thing else I'll never be able to even look at all these beds again. You brought that upon yourself. I'm kinda sorry the kids will suffer for your stupidity. No, wait, YOU will suffer for your stupidity. Knowing my people, they'll die fast and in a happy mood, if not ecstatic. You, however, will become miserable, trample tables, feel better, and then get sentenced to a well-deserved beating just when you became sane again just because you're dumbasses. And the beating will be long and painful and very probably deadly, seeing how the last one went. That's what gonna happen.
This fortress has an ungodly amount of haulers. UNGODLY, I SAY. We can't afford more useless citizens. We're just a barony, too! It's not like the king has come with the whole of his court and family!
Last and ultimate call: I may show mercy if you have one kid, and let them lead a civilian life. Consider this place China frow now on, only more democratic... yes it is more democratic, I'm not censoring any of your media... what was I saying? Oh, right. More democratic, less goddamn sexist, and with more magma.
No love,
your Overseer who never liked children to begin with
Post by: Encased in burning magma on January 19, 2011, 12:31:50 pm
why did you choose my tiny little one that hasn't even existed for two full years yet?
I do, as it happens, have, sort of, plans for a whole milk industry
Post by: Musashi on January 19, 2011, 03:24:15 pm
did you just kidnap two of our kids without being detected?
Could you please keep up the good job?
Great, thanks.
My formal greetings,
the Overseer of that place with the frozen fortress
Post by: GreenJelly on January 19, 2011, 04:15:46 pm
After getting tired of fidgeting with you when you decided to build from the wrong side, I decided to just watch and see if you could manage on your own.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Despite your incredulous idiocy, you are all in luck. Those expansion shafts for the drowning chambers are not connected yet, and the hatches you're standing on are just a short drop from the floor, so you should all escape unharmed... Once I decide that you've suffered enough in your self-inflicted isolation and give the order to pull the lever.
Jelly
Post by: K17U on January 19, 2011, 04:21:31 pm
Dear Urist McWallbuilders
After getting tired of fidgeting with you when you decided to build from the wrong side, I decided to just watch and see if you could manage on your own.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Despite your incredulous idiocy, you are all in luck. Those expansion shafts for the drowning chambers are not connected yet, and the hatches you're standing on are just a short drop from the floor, so you should all escape unharmed... Once I decide that you've suffered enough in your self-inflicted isolation and give the order to pull the lever.
Jelly
I can relate.
Post by: Elu on January 19, 2011, 06:50:20 pm
please stop building floodgate in the wrong side, it's the third time that happens, and next time disciplinary actions of really high grade(about twelve thousand) will be taken.
also please note that the only mechanic of the fortress, the only dwarf that can link the floodgate to a lever and open it, is currently isolated between a river and a floodgate, built. by. himself.
is now being considered if his idiot life is worth the destruction of that floodgate, any decision will(maybe) be communicated promptly, in the meantime, feel free to socialize with those fish, but beware the carp.
sincerely
your slightly disappointed Administrator
Dear Urist McWallbuildersi can feel your disappontment man
After getting tired of fidgeting with you when you decided to build from the wrong side, I decided to just watch and see if you could manage on your own.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Despite your incredulous idiocy, you are all in luck. Those expansion shafts for the drowning chambers are not connected yet, and the hatches you're standing on are just a short drop from the floor, so you should all escape unharmed... Once I decide that you've suffered enough in your self-inflicted isolation and give the order to pull the lever.
Jelly
Post by: Beach Bum on January 19, 2011, 09:40:53 pm
I know I have no idea what I'm doing but please ignore any orders tell you to channel into the river before the farm proper is built. I know it was pretty much guaranteed death when you proceeded to mine the wall out and got trapped immediately afterwards. When you fail to build the proper escape routes first this is what happens, you have no reason to be haunting your friends. It is not their fault that your body is unrecoverable at this time. You had the only mining pick now we have to hope we can pick up one on the next caravan.
Sorry and go back to being dead,
Your Glorious Leader
Post by: Samuel on January 20, 2011, 02:12:37 am
I understand that you're new to the job. And I can understand you making a few mess-ups. But what I cannot understand is how you can mess up that badly. And of all people, our expedition leader?
I'm not mad enough at you to order you killed, but in exchange, you're going to have to explain to the guy that, while fixing a cut on his foot, you permenantly paralyzed him.
Signed,
A Baffled Overseer.
Post by: Urist McWTF? on January 20, 2011, 04:18:56 pm
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf,
you were one of my best sharpshooters. Indeed, you were so good that you not only commanded my marksdwarfssquad, but also went out hunting whenever you had the opportunity. So why, WHY, did you think that when the alarm was sounded, it would be the perfect moment to take a nap? On the floor? Right behind the corner where the drawbridge was raised just a moment too late, so that the one goblin could aim just perfectly with his spear?
The autopsy concluded that the goblin hit you just once. Right through the eye, shattering your skull and tearing your brain.
Serves you right.
Post by: adwarf on January 20, 2011, 04:20:49 pm
Build the damn floor I have over 200 pieces of wood
Build it damnit
Post by: Beach Bum on January 21, 2011, 12:27:29 am
You don't have to stop fishing when you see a carp. You know why? It is a god damn fish! Catch the fucking thing and stop telling me there is nothing to catch in the swamps or you will find yourself reassigned to being the broker's personal ball scratcher so that maybe he will show up to the trade post before the traders leave instead of scratching his nuts somewhere by the river.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 21, 2011, 03:20:46 am
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
You don't have to stop fishing when you see a carp. You know why? It is a god damn fish! Catch the fucking thing and stop telling me there is nothing to catch in the swamps or you will find yourself reassigned to being the broker's personal ball scratcher so that maybe he will show up to the trade post before the traders leave instead of scratching his nuts somewhere by the river.
The mistakes of a newbie.
You'll learn...
Post by: Mister Always on January 21, 2011, 03:48:28 am
WE HAVE NO BOOZE.
Seriously. Not any booze. Any. No wine, no ale, no beer, not even a lousy rock mug full of sewer brew that you could at least wash your mouth out with.
The farm isn't up yet because Urist McMechanic won't make any mechanisms, despite his workshop being completely empty and there being quite a few orders up in his workshop. The channel to where I want the farm plots to be is dug out, there's floodgates being built, but no mechanisms.
Thus it falls to YOU to save our glorious fortress from a tantrum spiral.
SO STOP SITTING ON YOUR ASS AND GO GATHER PLANTS, DAMN IT! I DESIGNATED A CUBIC ASSLOAD OF THEM! HOP TO IT, SQUIRE! CHOP CHOP!
With love,
Urist McOverseer.
Dear Urist McBrewer,
Are you sure you can't brew alcohol from dead Rhesus macaques?
Love,
Urist McOverseer.
Dear elves,
WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR ARMOK-DAMNED CARAVAN WHEN WE NEED IT?!
With
Urist McOverseer.
Post by: Elu on January 21, 2011, 06:11:25 am
a report has been filed about you. again.
let me recap those
the first one was about how you valiantly killed a thief with a fireball, with the only downside of hurting a little Urist McMiner. as the result of this action you where immediatly drafted to military.
this one is about your action in the last goblin's siege, Urist McFarmer reported that you, stationed with your squad at the entrance of the fort's wall, waiting for the gobbos to came at axe-distance, suddenly decided to kill those gobbos. with a fireball. sadly, the gobbos, and half of your squad, was in a forest. some second later the situation became kinda like "blood bunch crawling in circles in hell".
we like to inform you that your squad was annhilated, but some goblins survived and managed to wreack havoc to the fortress, the population suffered a 78% death loss and aren't tantruming only because they have engraved bedroom, i think. also a good part of the trees and plant are gone, ALL plant, hope you'll enjoy only dwarven wine for a looong time.
However
your brave and truly dwarvish actions have drawed the attention of the Scientific Administrator, that has requested you as the test pilot for the XB5-dg "experimental dwarf-guided explosive booze barrel", report to the south drawbridge 2nd level as soon as you leave infirmary, or find a crutch.
sincerely
your mourning Administrator
Post by: Korva on January 22, 2011, 07:56:18 am
I am flattered, really. Yes, Earthendawn has thrived for seven years now and withstood several sieges. Yes, we have sent many trade goods and extra tribute to the Mountainhome to show our respect and worth. But I never expected you to grace our humble fortress with your presence, else I would have made appropriate preparations for your reception and accommodation. We only just got made a barony last fall, and I thought we would have to be elevated to county and duchy before you and your family would even consider moving in.
Clearly I was wrong. Accept my humble apologies. And, er ... please do not take offense at our complete and utter state of surprise. We will make sure to provide you with quarters befitting your status as quickly as dwarvenly possible, which as you know is very fast indeed.
To: Urist McEverydwarf
The queen has just arrived and we've been caught with our collective pants down. MINERS! Find a good spot and start digging her suite! BLACKSMITHS AND MASONS! Crank out more masterwork furniture! ENGRAVERS! On standby to smooth the suite once it's dug. BREWERS! Our booze stockpiles need refilling! MILITIA! Get out there and escort the queen and her court in case the goblins decide this would be a fun time to siege again. Everyone move, no one panic!
(Oh shit oh shit oh shit ...)
Post by: TolyK on January 22, 2011, 08:32:07 am
Post by: Tcei on January 22, 2011, 09:26:11 am
I appreciate your hard work, with your diligence we have created a fortress capable of housing the entirety of the dwarven race (all 15 of you) and then some. I realize that the hardships of trying to survive and all have made it so there is little time to get to know your fellow survivors. However we have reached a point now where time off is now feasible, I give you time off when ever I can. Please hurry up and get married and start popping out babies. You are our last hope.
Sincerely,
The Overlord.
Post by: Slade Beds on January 22, 2011, 07:51:14 pm
Thank you for encrusting the plain lead goblet with rubies and star rubies. The high quality platinum goblets looked fine as they were.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on January 22, 2011, 08:15:51 pm
Please get around to killing that titan. All 30 of you have been wrestling, slashing, poking and stabbing that thing for months now, please, it is terrifying the other dwarves.
With bloodlust,
Your impatient overseer.
Dear Overseer,
I'm sorry sir, these things don't go down easily. Sir, if you recall, it is made of iron, doesn't breathe, doesn't feel pain, pass out, over exert or anything that would kill a normal creature. If you also recall, it is almost as big as a dragon and can fly, it's bite fully paralyzes a dwarf and it has two heads.
With fear,
Urists of the military.
Post by: Korva on January 22, 2011, 09:00:56 pm
Stop whining! You've been a pillar of the community ever since you and your six buddies founded this fort. You work hard. You like stuff that is easy to come by. I have never let anyone fail your mandates either as mayor or now as baronness. You've been flat-out ecstatic for most of the seven years you've been here. And now you're getting all high and mighty and "utterly traumatized by a lesser's pretentious quarters"? To hell with that. I'm not kicking my other favourite dwarves out of their snazzy bedrooms just so you can lord your new status over them. Go back to socializing and being happy, damn it!
Dear Urists McRoyalCouple,
We have plenty of armor to go around. Of course I understand that you don't want to wear goblin junk (who would?) but my armorer has been busy churning out brand spanking new, high-quality steel armor for you and your royal guard. I suggest you put on the entire uniform I assigned to you before going back into the danger room. Luckily you both walked out with only a bruised head. It would have been mighty embarrassing to get a monarch for the first time and have them die before the season turns. Remember, these martial lessons are for your own benefit and protection! Not to mention that a fierce warrior queen is more inspiring to her people than a mere socialite.
"Dear" Goblins McGreenskins,
Pathetic. Try harder.
Dear Forgotten Beast
Why did you have to spawn with deadly blood? I was looking forward to match my best warrior against a Beast in single combat, but I'm not going to risk an epidemic, dwarf washers or no. Don't you have any friends you can invite over for some mutual fun?
Post by: Sutremaine on January 22, 2011, 09:03:36 pm
(http://img10.mediafire.com/98f947eb86fb45c2eaf9cd6affad371cb733f3be20a7a04c6ddac6db9f5b7d0b4g.jpg)Layering?
Post by: Akura on January 22, 2011, 11:10:58 pm
While I admire your efforts to bury any dwarven dead, including the enemy, which despite being brainwashed by goblins as children(presumably), and died valiantly rebelling against said goblins, they were still the enemy. And those goblins were still there. When I forbid the corpse, I mean don't bury them. But you still run out to entomb a severed hand, or even a damn back tooth. This has caused the death of our Chief of Medicine, whom we have no place to bury due to the enemy dwarves being earmarked for our remaining space in the mortuary, as well as a mechanic/animal handler losing most of her right arm. Also, when I say "Go to the Burrow", I mean "Go to the F&#KING BURROW!", not run around in circles to the tune of Yakety Sax while being chased by a goblin with a bloody axe. We have cage traps for a reason.
Dear Goblins of the five simultaneous ambushes,
Attack us, or leave. Don't just sit there with your thumbs up your asses because your war leaders had the bright idea of assigning early graduates of the Non-Goblin Brainwashing Academy as your squad seargants. Specifically, this goes to the full pike squad that killed the CMD, and the lone axgoblin that took our animal handler's arm. The rest of you had the sense to retreat back home. By now, they're filing an official complaint with their war office, one which will undoubtedly answered will torture and execution - you are goblins, after all - but hey, I'd be complaining too. Speaking of...
Dear Goblin War Office,
Reeeeaal smart move there. Putting fresh human and dwarven recruits into leadership positions. They hadn't even completed the brainwashing program, but you gave them weapons, maps, ration, etc., and sent them off to initiate guerrilla warfare. And they were the ones holding the orders, so the rest of the goblins don't even know what they're doing. So please, send someone to call them back. It's pretty pathetic, actually.
Post by: Inglonias on January 23, 2011, 05:07:31 pm
While I am at the same time impressed and perplexed about how you managed to get your embark wagon so high up, I'd like it if you started much, much closer to "ground level." I realize that you had a hard trip, but you don't need to stop on THE SIDE OF A $&%*ING MOUNTAIN.
Signed me.
Post by: Corwyn on January 25, 2011, 02:26:16 am
I promise that you will be given an axe to fight with, then to spar with once your companions are better wrestler/shield users so they would survive your attacks. Please put down the two extra sets of chain mail (one left hand, one right hand). The recruits you've been saddled with are tired of going to bed with chainmail mesh imprints on their faces.
P.S. Nevermind. You've apparently worked those things into some kind of extra glove, as you now have axe and shield and are still decapitating goblins who try to sneak in. I don't care if they're blue metal or not, you can keep them as long as you keep up the good and messy work.
~The overseer.
Post by: Samuel on January 26, 2011, 12:14:32 am
I'm not blaming this problem on the incompetance that comes with being a beginner, because I know you'll always have this problem. I'm not asking you to change, because I know you will ignore me as always. I'm just letting you know that if you hadn't been uselessly rendering fat instead of cooking like I asked you to, the work room wouldn't have filled with the stench of rotten Camel parts. Also, we would have food to eat and wouldn't starve to death.
If this issue eventually leads to malnutrition, I'm going to lock you in a hole so that we don't waste precious food supplies on you.
Signed,
Samuel
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on January 26, 2011, 12:15:36 am
Post by: strongrudder on January 26, 2011, 02:05:11 am
I'm quite pleased that, while your best skill was something like threshing, you mooded in something useful! I just... wish you'd made something more useful than a single gauntlet, nice though it is.
Hope you continue to enjoy all the hauling,
The Overseer.
Dear Gods of Dwarven Possession:
A weaponsmith, then an armorer? You guys suck more than the dwarf who went legendary making our artifact dog bone door. :(
Disappointedly,
The Overseer.
Post by: Corwyn on January 26, 2011, 08:48:08 am
Rather, shall I say, legendary gemcutter. Your work is awe inspiring. I am amazed we actually had enough sunstones to make a coffin out of. I wish I had the foresight to keep some expensive materials nearby but this will really liven up a tomb.
And yes, you're welcome, no need to thank me for the foresight to remember to pack some turtles for this excursion's food stores so we could have shells in a special stockpile.
Either they'd be artifact components or turtle shell ashtrays. Good choice.
~The administration.
Post by: eepkeep on January 26, 2011, 10:51:03 am
I am deeply saddened to hear that you have been rejected entrance to the afterlife due to a lack of proper burial. However, that is no excuse to pester all the other dwarves who did not lack the mental capacity to refrain from standing under a deploying drawbridge. Hopefully you will understand and stop wandering around our water cistern.
Yours,
Tireanvil Administration
Post by: TolyK on January 26, 2011, 10:52:50 am
Post by: Hivemind on January 26, 2011, 12:05:45 pm
Dear Urist McGhost,
I am deeply saddened to hear that you have been rejected entrance to the afterlife due to a lack of proper burial. However, that is no excuse to pester all the other dwarves who did not lack the mental capacity to refrain from standing under a deploying drawbridge. Hopefully you will understand and stop wandering around our water cistern.
Yours,
Tireanvil Administration
Run him through the atomizer again. See if ghosts can be flattened, for !science!
Post by: TolyK on January 26, 2011, 12:12:14 pm
however it seems that bezerk dwarves can kill them. try retaining an elven caravan until they go bezerk. wait.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on January 26, 2011, 12:19:13 pm
Post by: TolyK on January 26, 2011, 12:28:30 pm
beserk (with a Z!) dwarves seem to also be able to do it... ghosts ran away anyways.
Post by: Akura on January 26, 2011, 01:50:42 pm
How long are you going to sit in there drinking? We need you to get over the the trade depot to trade our shiny things for the dwarven caravan's shiny thing.
Dear Mayor-who-is-also-in-the-military,
While military grunt training may not be the most... mentally stabilizing experience, but getting halfway to your office with the liason, suddenly shouting "EARRING IN THE WORKSHOP!!", tackling the liason as if to protect him, then charging to the nearby craft workshop, grabbing said earring and slamming into a nearby wooden bin, then standing on top of it as if to keep the lid closed in case it exploded is not the most socially acceptable thing to do.
Furthermore, I have disabled your hauling labors, so why are you still hauling things?
Post by: Soapalope on January 26, 2011, 03:49:56 pm
You say you like working outdoors? Howsabout working outdoors inside? No? How about working outside covered in magma? You don't like the outdoors so much now, eh?
Yours dwarfily,
The Supreme Lord of all Bomrek Dalzat.
Post by: Horizon9 on January 26, 2011, 05:27:25 pm
Fell dwarves can murder ghosts. Somehow.Imiknorris, I've been wondering about this for a while. Your avatar is very familiar, but I can't quite place my finger on where I've seen it from. Could you tell me what that is from?
Post by: Foolproof on January 26, 2011, 11:58:09 pm
Fell dwarves can murder ghosts. Somehow.Imiknorris, I've been wondering about this for a while. Your avatar is very familiar, but I can't quite place my finger on where I've seen it from. Could you tell me what that is from?
Its snowbeat from SE++
Post by: Vorthon on January 27, 2011, 08:36:51 am
When I assign one of you to be militia commander, I do not appreciate it when, immediately after picking up your equipment, you decide to go one break. That Giant Cave Crab** won't kill itself.
Signed, your cheesed off overlord.
*Randomly generated! I swear!
**Legendary Lands mod.
Post by: Mister Always on January 27, 2011, 10:42:00 am
you're actually all doing pretty well. We're hard at work strip-mining the cavern that one of the miners discovered (bless 'em all), and the riches are just flowing in. Just a few points.
1. Stop running into the hospital and dragging the patients back to their beds while the doctors are STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF SURGERY. I mean, really?
2. We're building a cleaning pit in the middle of one of the main hallways so that you'll no longer have to whine about not being allowed to use the soap in the hospital.
3. Please clean that minotaur, dwarf, and goblin blood off the wall near the mason's workshop. It's starting to coagulate and smell bad, and you know how hard it is to get blood off limestone.
4. A note specifically to the countess - you forbid the exportation of large cut gems just when the human trade caravan showed up. If your next mandate is "gem windows in me bedroom", we're throwing you off the melancholy/execution tower.
5. Urist McTresher, if there's a report about a giant toad in the stairwell, don't run down there to make friends with it. You're lucky you only got a few bruises...'cuz we're short on tombs.
6. To the goblin prisoners, stop yelling. We'll execute you soon enough.
7. To the medical dwarves, how come your surgery doesn't seem to be fixing the wounded up any?
8. To the countess, I know it's hard being both the broker AND the countess with a liaison and a caravan here, as WELL as being one of our legendary miners, but, really. Priorities, ma'am. Caravan first, liaison second, digging third.
9. To those who have entered fey moods before, what's the idea? It's all shit like jewelry that we can't even trade away, and one legendary limestone mechanism. The menacing limestone spikes on that are aesthetically pleasing, but the mechanic has complained about using it. It was going to be the centerpiece for our goblin pit trap, but then it wasn't.
10. To the olm men civilization that is apparently in our caverns, where are you guys? We're lookin' to kill you all, and if you keep hiding like wusses, well, that's just not very sporting of you.
11. To the goblins of Zuslenako, the East Torments (good name, by the way), just stop trying. Seriously. You will never get past our cage traps. If you even MAKE it that far, because your human companions seem to be turning on and slaughtering most of you when your ambushes show up, sending you all scattering, as soon as they see our fort and decide "fuck these gobbos, I'm gonna live with the dwarves". Sure, most of the time they get their limbs brutally chopped off as well, but come on. Get a hobby. Start a family. Anything but just showing up at the edge of our territory and starting to infight.
12. To the kobolds of Traljeembis, why've you stopped coming? Our war dogs could use the exercise. They're getting big and fat. Tell you what, though. We can be friends. We have a very nice, big, expansive cave you'd feel right at home in. What? No, this is not an elaborate ploy to get you guys and the olm men (and all other sorts of nasty critters that may be down there) to wipe eachother out. Come on, we'll give you some nice crafts for your trouble! If you survive.
13. To the elves of Ithiile Midebi, the Golden-Pear of Vises, stop bringing us your useless wooden shit. Know what we want? Booze. Booze and maybe some animals we can train into war beasts. Maybe a li'l bit of food. Other than that, seriously, nothing you have interests us. Except maybe if you bring some golden pears. We'd like those.
14. To the humans of Gosathdur, the Barricaded Empire, you might want to improve your barricades a little. The goblins have so many of your guys that I'm fairly sure the humans will have displaced them within the next human lifespan. Which, admittedly, if your barricades are shitty enough to let those goblin thieves through, can't be that long.
15. To the kobolds of Trajleembis, again, are you sure you don't want to be friends? We've got this stuff called "alcohol" I'm sure you'd like.
16. To the Mountainhomes, how about sending a Dungeon Master our way? We could kinda use one.
17. To the kobolds of Trajleembis, again: pretty please with sugar and a []limestone figurine of kobolds[] on top?
18. To the semi-megabeast of the surroundings, we've already killed that one Ettin and the minotaur. Something-or-other the Dreamy Shark. Yeah, odd title, I know. I'm just sending you this letter to assure you, no, you will not get past our defences.
19. Dear Urists McMiner, how about digging out that 1X1 channel I designated in the main hallway? Seriously, the dwarves are starting to reek. Covered in blood, pus, mud, all that fun stuff.
20. To Urist McSmelter, hurry it up with those goddamn steel bars, will ya? I'll have you slain.
21. To the kobolds of blah blah blah, once more: and a []steel dagger[]?
Post by: Jake on January 27, 2011, 11:23:34 am
13. To the elves of Ithiile Midebi, the Golden-Pear of Vises, stop bringing us your useless wooden shit. Know what we want? Booze. Booze and maybe some animals we can train into war beasts. Maybe a li'l bit of food. Other than that, seriously, nothing you have interests us. Except maybe if you bring some golden pears. We'd like those.If you want to make elven caravans actually useful, diversify into wholesale clothing.
Post by: TolyK on January 27, 2011, 01:00:57 pm
***
Dear migrants:
I will tell you this up front. I'm going to have you test my drowning trap.
(Then I'm reloading the save and doing something nice to you :P)
- The Lever Puller
EDIT: High master soap maker? I think I can make use of you. Would you like to be goblin-fodder or do you want to make soap and clean corpses?
Post by: Leonard DeVir on January 27, 2011, 08:36:52 pm
Im grateful to hear of your recovery. As a blacksmith you are precious for everything slightly dwarven, and I really like your beard. It conecerned me deeply to hear stories about your withdrawl from society, brooding over some serious problems. But it seemed you solved it and overcame your serious thoughts.
But please note:
If you ever happen to brood over plans for an artifact floor grate again, make sure you dont use up our platinum bars and only two sapphires. If something like this ever happens again, Ill personally enlist you as avaliable artifact material for other dwaves.
Hasta la vista,
your supreme whiplasher without two sapphires.
Post by: Girlinhat on January 27, 2011, 09:35:43 pm
Post by: Leonard DeVir on January 27, 2011, 09:47:38 pm
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on January 27, 2011, 11:32:48 pm
Post by: brucemo on January 28, 2011, 12:48:25 am
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
Post by: Flaede on January 28, 2011, 02:09:54 am
Dear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
Do you know how hard I work to create situations like this? Them verminhunters ruin whole silk farming operations. Then I have to use (ugh) pigtails.
Post by: strongrudder on January 28, 2011, 12:20:31 pm
Dear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
I actually go out of my way to avoid killing cats in DF, because I like them. My intent is to sustain my dwarves on cattle eventually, but for now the exploding dog population will have to do. All my free-roaming cats, meanwhile, are male (We'll deal with migrant pets when they become an issue).
Post by: UristMcDwarf on January 28, 2011, 06:33:23 pm
Please, Don't worry about the damp stone.
It's because of a lake above you.
Please stop being paranoid.
Post by: Mantonio on January 28, 2011, 08:09:43 pm
Thank you for the Cougars! Now we have a breeding pair, which is lovely. And thank you for the wood as well. I mean, we
PS: Bring more Wolves! Or maybe an Elephant? Something bigger! Come on, why do you keep bringing us Rope Reed? You're breaking my heart here!
Sincerely yours,
Administrator of IronLantern
Dear
Are you going to send actual soldiers or what? I've personally signed the executions of five Thiefs now, and it's getting old.
Like your Demon leader.
Who is also stupid and weak.
Administrator of IronLantern
Post by: Girlinhat on January 28, 2011, 08:16:56 pm
Post by: Mantonio on January 28, 2011, 08:19:42 pm
(Psst! Go into the raws. Find goblins. Add [NATURAL_SKILL:DODGE:20])
I'm INCREDIBLY suspicious
Post by: Girlinhat on January 28, 2011, 08:23:04 pm
Post by: Mantonio on January 28, 2011, 08:24:20 pm
Don't you want to have... Fun?
Oh gee-whiz mister, I don't know! I heard that Fun can be bad for you!
Post by: Horizon9 on January 29, 2011, 12:18:57 am
Oh disregard the riff-raff people say these days.Don't you want to have... Fun?
Oh gee-whiz mister, I don't know! I heard that Fun can be bad for you!
See that completely innocuous lever over there? Go pull it.
It's what all the cool dwarves are doing these days
Post by: KillerClowns on January 30, 2011, 09:05:20 pm
I never thought I'd be saying this to a noble, but thank you. No, sincerely. Your rare requests for gloves (which we are producing in massive quantities anyways), doors (likewise) and trifle pewter items (odd but easily dealt with) have ensured you a long, healthy existence in this fortress. For your willingness to stay out of my way, I have seen fit to give you excellent quarters.
So why are you so damn unhappy? Your dog got killed by a goblin thief, you say? We've got enough of the mangy blighters running around and set to "available." So just get a new one and stop bugging me.
Dear dwarves of Wanedarch:
Put. On. Some. Clothes. At the very least, stick some shoes on before you go wading in the piles of Forgotten Beast Extract and waste our doctors' time whining about bruised feet. Which reminds me:
Dear janitors of Wanedarch:
OK, you lousy peasants. I exempted you from hauling duty. You have one job, and one job only: keep this place at least modestly clean. And yet, you cannot succeed at that simple, pitiful task. There's a lot of fortresses that would have crushed you under a bridge... don't make me regret sparing your miserable lives.
Post by: Sutremaine on January 30, 2011, 09:34:10 pm
You have one job, and one job only: keep this place at least modestly clean.I suspect that dwarves need to be close to cleaning jobs in the same way that corpses need to be close to a butchery. Unfortunately, the only way I can think of of getting idle dwarves into an area is to use meeting areas, and that'll just attract every animal and idle dwarf in the fortress.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on January 30, 2011, 09:58:22 pm
Dear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
I actually go out of my way to avoid killing cats in DF, because I like them. My intent is to sustain my dwarves on cattle eventually, but for now the exploding dog population will have to do. All my free-roaming cats, meanwhile, are male (We'll deal with migrant pets when they become an issue).
I modded out cats. That's right - I completely retracted them from reality.
Post by: abadidea on January 30, 2011, 10:13:30 pm
I wouldn't want to live in a world without cats! :'(
Post by: noob on January 30, 2011, 10:54:26 pm
enjoy the rats and other vermin that eat all your food/boozeDear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
I actually go out of my way to avoid killing cats in DF, because I like them. My intent is to sustain my dwarves on cattle eventually, but for now the exploding dog population will have to do. All my free-roaming cats, meanwhile, are male (We'll deal with migrant pets when they become an issue).
I modded out cats. That's right - I completely retracted them from reality.
Post by: Cyroth on January 30, 2011, 11:00:39 pm
enjoy the rats and other vermin that eat all your food/boozeDear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
I actually go out of my way to avoid killing cats in DF, because I like them. My intent is to sustain my dwarves on cattle eventually, but for now the exploding dog population will have to do. All my free-roaming cats, meanwhile, are male (We'll deal with migrant pets when they become an issue).
I modded out cats. That's right - I completely retracted them from reality.
Some people use their dwarfs to eat all those annoying vermin.
Post by: KillerClowns on January 30, 2011, 11:38:18 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: shadowzfire on January 31, 2011, 06:59:20 am
Stop gnawing on my legendary carpet.
Post by: KillerClowns on January 31, 2011, 04:08:33 pm
I owe you an apology. I spotted one of you cleaning off a stairway, and decided to see how long it remained clean. Within moments it was once again caked in pus, blood, and of course, forgotten beast extract.
The next time, I went frame by frame. Evidently, a stairway in this fortress cannot go ten frames, ten goddamn frames, before being once more covered in filth. Clearly you are not to blame -- or at least not entirely to blame -- for the state of this fortress. Clearly, a massive, grandiose, potentially fortress-killing megaproject involving that underground lake is called for. Or I could use DFHack. But I prefer the megaproject.
Post by: Borogove on January 31, 2011, 06:11:32 pm
We understand your grief at the recent loss of your pet in a goblin siege, we truly do. However, management would prefer:
- that you not throw tantrums in public areas of the fortress;
- that if you must throw a tantrum, you do not destroy buildings in the process;
- that if you must destroy a building, you choose a workshop rather than the entryway bridge over the magma moat;
- and, finally, if you must destroy a bridge over magma, while standing on it, you first remove your fortress-issued adamantine armor and steel weapons, and return them to storage.
Sincerely,
the management
Post by: MythagoWoods on January 31, 2011, 06:28:40 pm
Listen, I know you like to milk. I mean hey, I like milk. You like milk. The cheese makers like milk. Everyone likes milk! However, you two have bee playing tug of war with that cow for the past season. Can't one of you get tired or bugger off or something so one of you can milk the cow? I'm quite certain the cow isn't to pleased with this event either.
Sincerly,
The milk loving overseer
Post by: billybobfred on January 31, 2011, 07:07:02 pm
re: Falling on my miners
FUCK. YOU.
That is all.
Memo to self
re: murdering bastard trees
Get Urist McLumberjack to murder them all ASAP.
Post by: Horizon9 on January 31, 2011, 07:13:46 pm
Memo to treesA tree fell on your miner?
re: Falling on my miners
FUCK. YOU.
That is all.
Memo to self
re: murdering bastard trees
Get Urist McLumberjack to murder them all ASAP.
Post by: billybobfred on January 31, 2011, 07:20:23 pm
If you designated an "outdoor" farm out of ramps... cave-ins
Post by: Vorthon on February 01, 2011, 08:16:16 am
How the hell did you fall into the lake? And since when is the food stockpile down there? You're lucky you managed to haul your sorry ass out of there before you drowned. Or starved. You would not have been missed.
Sincerely, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.
Dear Urist McPossessedFishDissector,
Uhh... about that artifiact... Yeah... Awkward... 'Smeareagle the Immortal Love'... and the fact that it's a scepter doesn't really help... Are you trying to tell your lover something?
Sincerely, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.
Post by: Flaede on February 01, 2011, 09:18:13 am
Yes. Apparently, digging a ramp under a tree results in a tree with no ground beneath it.
If you designated an "outdoor" farm out of ramps... cave-ins
Ah, trees. The hereditary enemy of all Dwarves.
Post by: Vorthon on February 01, 2011, 12:51:37 pm
Stop beating up that elephant. It's bleeding all over my fortress. I do not like the mess.
Sincerely, the eternally perplexed and bemused overlord of the dwarven fortress DragonCudgel.
Dear Urist McHobgoblinCaravanPackElephant:
Stop bleeding on my fort. Just hurry up and die from your horrific injuries already.
Sincerely, the eternally perplexed and bemused overlord of the dwarven fortress DragonCudgel.
Post by: Zrk2 on February 01, 2011, 01:36:15 pm
GTFO! I needed that liason to import metals! i would kill you just to get him back. Assholes, who gives a shit about spoiler metal anyway?
Your pissed God
Post by: Jacob/Lee on February 01, 2011, 08:49:11 pm
Stop engraving/decorating the same fucking hydra killing the same fucking orc. It's getting repetitive beyond words to see that same thing on every wall, artifact and craft in the fortress. You have 1050 years' worth of other events to engrave about.
ONE-THOUSAND FIFTY FUCKING YEARS.
Make something original. No, I don't mean your least favorite vermin or your pet cat or those circles or whatever the goddamn hell you're making on the other walls not covered in this hydra on orc bullshit. Make something major, like the elevating of one of the dwarves to queenhood or the titan that destroyed half your civilization.
Yours truly,
The omnipresent overseer that isn't afraid to drown your sorry asses if you don't stop making this crap all the time.
Post by: Fredd on February 01, 2011, 10:44:43 pm
Yes, I know about the current sanitation problems at the fort. Several haulers have been protesting getting hit on the head by poop, when reclaiming goods from the bottom of the garbage chute. Quit doing your business there, and yes, I know it is referred to as a dump. Go take dumps outside.
His holiness The Great Toad will invent chamber pots one day. But then you better hope he invents toilet paper soon after.
Sincerely,
The harried, but beloved overseer
Post by: JacenHanLovesLegos on February 02, 2011, 09:09:52 am
Our masons finally plugged the hole between our cavern farms and the outside cavern. This hole caused many cavern animals including the troll that killed our outpost liason. I appreciate that you dumped his body in a catacomb, but that's off topic.That same hole allowed you to hunt in the caverns, which was just fine until you got sealed in.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear UristMcMason
You just had to plug the hole when our hunter was hunting, didn't you. What did the hunter do to you? He puts food on our (chairless) tables.
Sincerely,
Overseer and Hunter
Post by: Rex_Nex on February 02, 2011, 09:15:17 am
I thought those socks were forbidden.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Mister Always on February 02, 2011, 09:27:44 am
first of all, I appreciate what you do. No, really! You guys bring food on the table. Well, food that isn't more plump helmets, at least. Apart from that little incident where one of you ran into the herd of crundles I wanted to capture to use as military meatshields, I can't complain. Except about one more thing.
When you go out hunting mountain goats? Aim. For. The. Heaaaad. Stop picking off every single limb and then letting the poor animals bleed out, you psychopaths.
Dear miners of blah blah blah,
that cave-in above our new whip vine farm plot was your fault, admit it. Two of your comrades died because you're all thick as bricks. Thanks for taking up two more of our coffins.
Post by: Samrobot on February 02, 2011, 07:15:40 pm
The next time you recover another dwarf barely hanging on to dear life please don't play your own fucked up game of capture the flag with the rampaging troll and using said dieing dwarf as the flag
Sincerely,
Your furious overlord
Post by: Rhaken on February 02, 2011, 10:09:23 pm
You may have woken up with a severe headache several seasons back for no discernible reason. This was the result of the Captain of the Guard deciding to ambush you in your sleep to dispense dwarven justice by way of whacking in the grill. Being the chief medical dwarf, we had sort of expected you to diagnose the bruises as more than just "vivid dreams".
However, this does not excuse your ridiculous lack of will to do your job. As we speak, Urist McFarmer continues to lie in the makeshift hospital we designated in the middle of the food stores, where he collapsed of his wounds over a year ago in the middle of yet another
You have until the next caravan arrives to do your job. Should you fail to comply, you will be forced to donate your gonads to !!dwarven medical science!!.
Sincerely,
The Administration
Holy Armok, did Fredd sig me?
He did.
I AM COMPLETE.
Post by: abadidea on February 02, 2011, 11:27:43 pm
I asked you for the world. You brought me two barrels, an axe, a spiked ball, and a few odd crafts. I have seen elves fit more on a single donkey. What the heck.
Post by: Ze Spy on February 03, 2011, 02:28:25 am
Dear Urist McButcher,
The next time you recover another dwarf barely hanging on to his miserable life please play your own hilarious game of capture the flag with the rampaging troll and using said dieing dwarf as the flag
Sincerely,
Your overlord
Fix'd
Post by: Hivemind on February 03, 2011, 02:41:03 am
So I started on a flat heavily wooded area with no magma. I could've definitely built a regular forge, I certainly had enough wood laying around... 5 iron anvils, some bauxite. But greedy as only a god can be, I didn't want you to make a cheap artifact weapon. I wanted something far, far better. Of course, having just found the great magma sea, I knew the miners could totally dig fast enough to dig some spoilerstone out, even if it was a good ways away.
And they did it. They did it, and I even had them build you a nice magma forge next to the vein. Everything worked out, and you didn't go berserk. I'm wondering, though, as to whether you went partially insane. Did the wait, which I admit was a close call, strain your booze-addled thinker too much? Because I really can't think of any other reason you'd waste precious, precious metal (and my time, and the miners' time) on a bright blue warhammer.
If I wanted to slay demons most foul with a pool noodle made of nerf, I'd be playing Hippy Elf Commune instead of Dwarf Fortress. You're lucky you're still marginally useful, or else you'd be in the troll pit, armed only with your mockery of Armok's blessings.
Sincerely,
The Ever-Present Voice in Your Head
Post by: Redukt on February 03, 2011, 05:50:54 am
I have taken a look at the engravings in your dining room, and to be frank I'm concerned. Your priorites and grip on reality seem rather skewed, even for dwarves. Why, for instance, is there such a demand for pictures of our first militia commander drowning? I mean, really. It was a freak accident, nothing more. Is it supposed to be a public service announcement of some sort? "Kids, don't fall into murky pools when fighting werewolves"? And, if so, why not use the more inclusive "kids, watch out for werewolves"?
But that's really just nitpicking compared to the issues raised by your other preferred genre of dining room engravings. Let us look at a canonical example, "The Mean Zealot" by Morul Ustuthumril:
"Engraved on the wall is a masterfully designed image of Dakost Handlesavant the dwarf and dwarves by Morul Ustuthumril. The dwarves are refusing Dakost Handlesavant. Dakost Handlesavant looks dejected. The artwork relates to the removal of Dakost Handlesavant from the position of chief medical dwarf of The Free Craft in the midspring of 1051."
We can all agree it's a fine piece of art, but... well... that's not quite what happened to Dakost. If you recall, his medical career ended when he was killed by a frickin werewolf. Are you beginning to see a theme here? Werewolves are roaming outside our gates, mauling woodcutters and wayward children, and here you are, terrified of peer pressure and murky pools.
The psychological mechanism at work is easy to understand, but still... try get a grip? All of you? You seem happy enough, but I fear it's the brittle kind of happiness. In one of you, one of these days, it will shatter and and go on a stabbing rampage. You may fool DwarfTherapist, but you're not fooling me.
The Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 03, 2011, 10:25:04 am
Dear Dagger McSpearmen,
Thank you for choosing to accompany me on my journeys through the wild. I could understand you deciding not to follow a little dragonman who named himself after a dwarf that died after attacking a hydra. (Although he DID get a few good licks in). Two of you have helped me kill a named leopard, and all three of you helped me with that jaguar. However, said jaguar brings up a point.
Please do not steal my "kills". I am always the first down there, and have started every battle with a well-thrown cougar lung that I had prepared for me before I started adventuring. Therefore I believe I should be allowed to have the killing blow on all major enemies. Thank you.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on February 03, 2011, 12:00:44 pm
If I wanted to slay demons most foul with a pool noodle made of nerf, I'd be playing Hippy Elf Commune instead of Dwarf Fortress. You're lucky you're still marginally useful, or else you'd be in the troll pit, armed only with your mockery of Armok's blessings.
Why is it that all the stories of adamantine artifacts are like this? Is it because adamantine blades that kill everything are rare, or is it just because said deathblades the best-case scenario?
Then again, I have never had an adamantine war hammer. For me, that's grounds for savescumming.
Post by: billybobfred on February 03, 2011, 12:11:57 pm
... Just one, though.
Post by: Lex Talionias on February 03, 2011, 12:22:06 pm
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on February 03, 2011, 12:28:58 pm
Post by: Gokajern on February 03, 2011, 12:30:26 pm
Post by: Qinetix on February 03, 2011, 12:34:31 pm
From the Guy lurking into his room near the computer with his eyes right on the screen hoping for you to do so.
Post by: TolyK on February 03, 2011, 12:36:40 pm
I had a legendary adamantine war hammer on the captain of the guard, and blue candy or not they still kill y'know.this is not true. they kill with adamantine hammers because they can swing the weapon REALLY fast and attack many times. however, they only hit your dwarves thrice.
Post by: Gokajern on February 03, 2011, 01:04:20 pm
Well one of my dwarves died in the hands of Urist McPsychoticCaptainoftheGuard who had an adamantine legendary war hammer. Whether they attack real quickly or not legendary adamantine war hammers kill other dwarves, even in the hands of a dabbling hammerdwarf. Maybe it's unlikely but the possibility remains and it happened to me.I had a legendary adamantine war hammer on the captain of the guard, and blue candy or not they still kill y'know.this is not true. they kill with adamantine hammers because they can swing the weapon REALLY fast and attack many times. however, they only hit your dwarves thrice.
Post by: Zrk2 on February 03, 2011, 03:13:27 pm
Dear Dwarves,
Grow a freaking brain!
The Management
Post by: Iados on February 06, 2011, 04:28:45 am
next time i order you to dig a channel, try to not cause cave ins. you broke both arms of Urist McUnluckyMiner and turned our only tamed animal in a +engraving of a Stray One-Humped Camel+! Now, go to dig that wall for the magma forges.
Your overlord
after 5 minutes...
Dear Urist McMiner
try to don't stand in magma next time. You know, it's quite hot.
RIP,
your overlord
Post by: Hungry Elephant on February 06, 2011, 04:48:50 am
I really understand that your friend Urist McJackalIdiotHauler decided to went out to retrieve the shoes of a dead migrant due to a goblin ambush(it doesn't really matter if they were good silk spider shoes, it was stupid anyway) and get impaled by the first goblin spearman. And lost the child in the same stupid way.
But really I do not think that is fair from you to go around trowing tantrum, breaking furnitures and punching people and animals around.
Just act like a real Dorf man!
My past three fort failed because of you and your emo friends, transforming my beautiful and functional fortress in a battleground of anarchy and madness.
Last time I have an idea of letting all you die outside of the fort from famine and thirst and keep inside only my initial sevens.
Cordially your,
Fort Managment
Post by: Samuel on February 06, 2011, 02:39:01 pm
a bowl of beer with raccoon tallow floating in it does not constitute a stew. Save the booze for drinking, will you?
Signed,
A Bemused Overseer.
Post by: TolyK on February 06, 2011, 02:42:06 pm
Post by: Greiger on February 06, 2011, 02:49:18 pm
When I designed your patrol route I expected you to go to the EXACT POINT I designated as a waypoint. And even then, it's a wall patrol. Fortifications one one side, long drop on the other, not hard to mess it up.
But fine, you wanna get a little creative and choose a slightly different location as the waypoint? Fine, whatever, as long as you stay on the wall and do the route.
What is NOT fine is getting to one point, turning around, coming off the wall, leaving through the front gate, climbing up the mountain, and then walking to a ledge before turning around and doing it all in reverse. I don't care that it's "within 3 urists" of your waypoint, stay inside the damn walls before you waste some perfectly good masterwork leather. As punishment you get to watch as the miners deconstruct your favorite ledge before your eyes.
The Administration.
Post by: Soapalope on February 06, 2011, 03:50:03 pm
Your screams of pain as your face were burnt by the magma were heard, we just chose not to listen to them. Afterwards, dragging a young pretty female dwarf to your butchers workshop and chaining Raoul McDwarf to the wall nearby was not necessary either.
Yours sincerely,
Not an opera-fan.
Post by: obeliab on February 07, 2011, 01:08:35 am
I KNOW!
Signed,
Wartime Burrow Designator
Post by: MythagoWoods on February 07, 2011, 01:23:40 am
How? No seriously. How? You are 60 strong. About 10-15 of you are masters from fighting Forgotten Beasts and titans. You're all clad in steel. Most of it is masterwork, and pretty thanks to my bone decorations. How did so many of you get your butts handed to you by crossbow goblins... in melee? You went from 60 to 45 fighting 10 wounded, bruised, and battered goblins who had to walk through my trapped corridor to reach my fort. I am disappoint.
Sincerly,
Your Annoyed Overseer
Post by: Duntada Man on February 07, 2011, 05:35:47 am
Yes, the fact that you managed to kill a dragon with nothing more than 2 pickaxes and a dozen burning dwarves wearing nothing more than the flames of an angry dragon was impressive. By Odin's ale stained beard you earned that victory, and I will not take it from you.
What concerns me, is that I politely asked all of you to stop training, grab your weapons and armor that were intended for combat, and begin battle with the beast.
All of you had to run past your equipment to get to the dragon. Equipment that was carefully placed all along the only corridor you could use to leave the rooftops to make sure that you would never have to fight your way past enemies to get to an axe.
Furthermore, one of you ran past the dragon and down almost a dozen z levels to get to a pick-axe to fight with.
Again, I am very impressed with your bravery and skill, but next time, let's just at least give the armory a cursory glance before chargin headlong into flaming doom.
Yours in confusion and some amounts of fear,
The Mysterious Voice in your Communal Heads
Post by: rhesusmacabre on February 07, 2011, 07:06:18 am
I do hope you had a moment of realization, regarding your poorly judged decision, as you saw your comrade explode before your eyes. When he chose to dodge from an attack down a well with a 19z drop, that was very stupid on his part. To, just moments later, repeat his mistake baffles me completely.
Did you think he would break your fall or something?
Happy landings,
Your Overseer.
Post by: Jake on February 07, 2011, 08:50:19 am
Would someone kindly enlighten me as to why our outpost liaison's dead body is lying at the bottom of the newly excavated drinking-water cistern? I have my suspicions, but fortunately for you I was looking the other way when it happened. The Ministry of Trade are not going to be best pleased about this.
And if you haven't cleaned the blood out of there by the time the brook thaws then it's your own lookout.
Yours,
Your bewildered and rather annoyed Avatar of Armok
Post by: Greiger on February 07, 2011, 10:35:14 am
I locked you in the 'special crafting shops' for a very specific reason. You know those valuable gemstones and rare leathers that were dumped in the room? You were supposed to put those on that really kickass sword I dropped in the room. You refused. Spouting some nonsense about weapons not being able to be encrusted or having leather images sewn into them.
That broad bodied, tall, muscular dragon who just came into the room is Laryter. He is the militia commander. And he is going to be the next legendary hero this world will see. You know that really shiny bronze armor he was decked in head to toe? Masterwork, all of it. You know that odd colored greatsword you refused to decorate? Also masterwork, and made of a materiel only heard of in legends. You have refused a chance to be inscribed on the walls forever as the decorator of the Sword of Laryter. I am dissapointed, Laryter is dissapointed, and the greenskins will be dissapointed that the awesome sword made of godmetal that is killing them all is rather plain looking.
Dissapointed (still)
The Administration.
Post by: riznar on February 07, 2011, 01:04:23 pm
I hired you to put the animal trainer in a cell for constantly causing fist fights. You assigned him a beating as well and that is fine, but beatings usually do not happen with axes.
I am taking you off sheriff duty and making you the new cleaning dwarf. Clean up that mess while you think about what you've done.
The Administration
Post by: Tellemurius on February 07, 2011, 01:08:36 pm
I don't know why but due to leaving your equipment all over the fort you leave me no choice but to melt your stuff down, have fun with the invasion.
Post by: Javarock on February 07, 2011, 05:53:08 pm
You have quickly beacome my most favored dwarf in the entire fortress, I even took the time to not only craft you almost a full ammount of cotten candy armour ( Without Guantlets or Boots, Needed a bit more time) And even decided to craft you a CLOAK out of the pretty stuff. Yes I know you didn't have guantlets, Or boots those were to come. But as the most skilled millitary dwarf with two kills under your belt, One of those a titled minature whom you killed without a scratch, I expected you to be able to kill what?, 10 goblins with four other milltary units as your fodder? I even knighted you after you murdered the minator! Yet why is it five seconds into the battle you rush in, FIRST get your hand cut off then pass out.... And beacome the first to die, Dooming our fortress.
Leaveing me to think, What the hell?
Sincerly,
Your Saddened God.
Post by: Peaceful Slugman on February 08, 2011, 04:22:33 am
I understand that you have been annoyed by being on active duty for a long time. Thats understandable. But what I DON'T understand is how you can simultaneously be unhappy due to being on active duty for a long time, and also get angry when I "take you out of the military" so you can take a break. I don't know what to do with you. I can put you on patrol, or I can let you relax. Its impossible for me to let you do both at the same time. I want you to be happy, because you're one of my founding seven and I need you to train the peasants with no or useless skills that want in on our fort. Can you see how I am frustrated?
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Namfuak on February 08, 2011, 06:43:54 am
Dear Urist McHammerdwarf,
I understand that you have been annoyed by being on active duty for a long time. Thats understandable. But what I DON'T understand is how you can simultaneously be unhappy due to being on active duty for a long time, and also get angry when I "take you out of the military" so you can take a break. I don't know what to do with you. I can put you on patrol, or I can let you relax. Its impossible for me to let you do both at the same time. I want you to be happy, because you're one of my founding seven and I need you to train the peasants with no or useless skills that want in on our fort. Can you see how I am frustrated?
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Set his squad to "Active/Training" in the alerts menu.
Dear Urist McFey Armorsmith,
I'm very happy about the legendary gauntlet you made, and moreso that now you are a legendary armorer, but why did you have to make it out of copper? I put plenty of steel near the workshop, why would you go grab copper from the other side of the room? Now it is only befitting of the captain of the guard, rather than the military commander.
Your noble leader
Post by: Indricotherium on February 08, 2011, 11:31:03 am
There was too a water source just down the hall and a big pile 'o buckets all during that long, long winter when you let Fikod, who might I remind you had just slain the Goblin's LEADER during that last siege, die of thirst. Thank you. Thank you very much. Do not be alarmed by the routine dismantling of the trap line for maintenance nor the militia locking themselves into the barracks.
All is forgiven.
Post by: Peaceful Slugman on February 08, 2011, 06:09:33 pm
Dear Urist McHammerdwarf,
I understand that you have been annoyed by being on active duty for a long time. Thats understandable. But what I DON'T understand is how you can simultaneously be unhappy due to being on active duty for a long time, and also get angry when I "take you out of the military" so you can take a break. I don't know what to do with you. I can put you on patrol, or I can let you relax. Its impossible for me to let you do both at the same time. I want you to be happy, because you're one of my founding seven and I need you to train the peasants with no or useless skills that want in on our fort. Can you see how I am frustrated?
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Set his squad to "Active/Training" in the alerts menu.
But thats the thing- the only thing that causes him to grumble at long patrol duty is training. Since the second month of my fort all I have been having him do is active/training alert. I never had him kill or move or patrol. He got the unhappy thought after many months of active/training, so all it does is exacerbate the unhappy thought.
But I see that he's doing individual combat dril even when set to the inactive alert. I wonder how much "training" is done when soldiers are inactive.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 08, 2011, 07:06:48 pm
Please stop engraving long enough to eat.
Dear Urist McMason:
Please stop idling long enough to make tables and chairs for our dining room.
Dear Urist McMiasmacausing:
I know I shouldn't have told you to cut wood right next to that retired adventurer with dragonfire breath, but please stop generating miasma from the refuse pile. You are in your coffin across the hall, and there is nothing else that can cause it.
Dear Urists McStarvingandtryingtohuntvermininthesealedcavern:
Next time, don't lose the 76 units of food you embarked with.
Post by: KillerClowns on February 09, 2011, 12:17:41 am
I was so happy when I saw your tall figures leading along camels into the desolate wastelands that the dwarves of Toolstrengths call home. Humans are a wonderful sight, especially after having to deal with that whiny elven diplomat. I was mildly concerned, however, when I saw you had neglected to bring a wagon, but, so be it: our humble abode is not exactly the stuff of legends yet, and the way is quite dangerous. I imagine the insurance premiums for zombie wolves must be terrible.
Oh, yes, did I mention that? The zombie wolves? You humans are supposed to be excellent businessmen. Ask yourself: what is a dwarvern outpost, smack in the middle of a land crawling with the undead, and sitting atop an aquifer, most likely to want? Weapons. Good, strong, metal weapons: even your bronze will suffice against the undead. Instead, you brought a single bow, and a ostentatious copper sword bedecked with platinum spikes and encrusted with silver! And a veritable mountain of cheese and jellyfish.
Armok damn you all.
Post by: Duntada Man on February 09, 2011, 05:01:38 am
Post by: Ze Spy on February 09, 2011, 08:52:40 am
WHAT THE JESUS BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHEN I SAID FIRE THE FUCKING EXPLOSIVE SHELL AT A FUCKING GAP, I DIDN'T SAY FIRE A EXPLOSIVE SHELL AT OUR SQUAD OF LEGENDARIES
FUCK YOU
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 09, 2011, 10:25:15 pm
I know you think you should spend your time trying to hunt rats. They, as well as all other creatures, like that dragonborn kobold* ex-adventurer that killed Urist McWoodcutter when he approached him, are being kept out, and you in, by a wall.
One that is designated for removal.
It's not hard, morons.
Sincerely,
Siding with his old adventurer.
*Not vanilla.
EDIT: HOLY CRAP! YOU ACTUALLY REMOVED THE WALLS!
Dear My Old Adventurer,
The dwarves will be better sport if they're not starving.
Sincerely, The fore unknown that guided you.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 10, 2011, 07:46:04 am
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.
Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you
Post by: Vorthon on February 10, 2011, 08:11:40 am
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.
Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you
You do realize there's an 'edit' button, right? There are only a few scenarios that warrant a doublepost.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 10, 2011, 08:58:44 am
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.
Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you
You do realize there's an 'edit' button, right? There are only a few scenarios that warrant a doublepost.
I hadn't noticed no one else had posted.
My bad.
--------------
Dear Urists McEveryone:
Maybe you're stupid. Maybe you're not.
Please be predictable, at least.
EDIT:
This goes for you, Urist McMason. I thought that designated walls would stop you from building from THE INSIDE OF A MURKY POOL. Next time, if there is one, it's fine to stand on the nice, neat, unfinished farm plot, 'kay?
Post by: Greiger on February 10, 2011, 02:46:17 pm
Yes you are awesome with your sword. It was noted quite some time ago. Will you please let your sparring partners get a swing in now and then? I would like for them to gain some offensive skills too please.
Sincerely,
The Administration.
Post by: tehc on February 10, 2011, 07:40:28 pm
Please, either stay in the stockpile room and drink or leave the drink and go to the station. Don't take the barrel to the station and then drop it to attack some war elephants, causing a legendary armorsmith to walk out into the battlefield retrieve the barrel of strawberry wine, only to get quickly mauled to death.
Dear Urist McLegendaryBlacksmith
Please, when the legendary armorsmith dies from trying to retrieve a barrel of strawberry wine, don't run out in order to succeed where he failed.
Post by: Mandango on February 10, 2011, 08:18:18 pm
I have given you wells in all of your common areas and yet for some reason you still choose to go on the long trek to a murky pond outside. WTF is wrong with you, I'm not going to help you when the goblins kill you, you're the one who thought it was a good idea to get on the other side of all the weapon traps I painstakingly put in place to defend your precious freaking cabinets! I might just wall off all the water outside, how would you like that.
Yours truly,
The only damn Dwarf who knows anything about safety and clean water.
Post by: Masterspartacus on February 10, 2011, 10:15:28 pm
When you break through a magma tube you should step back five feet and go up the stairs to safety, not let your feet get burnt off and die, better luck in the next life. Thanks :)
Dear !!Legendary miner!!,
You did better this time, but be a little more punctual next time. :)
P.S. You could also consider drinking water next time, or maybe a swim?
P.P.S. The other dorfs don't appreciate drinking !!Booze!!
P.P.P.S They also don't appreciate sleeping in the !!dormitory!!
Post by: Mandango on February 10, 2011, 11:31:01 pm
Why in the world do you thin it would be a good idea to try and clean a weapon trap when the reason it is dirty is because of the siege of invading goblins getting hacked to bits by it. Feel free to clean it after the siege, WHEN YOU WON'T GET KILLED FOR TRYING TO CLEAN IT!
Sincerely,
your ever wise fortress leader
Post by: Greiger on February 11, 2011, 01:00:21 pm
You charged the goblin thief, that was surrounded by lo less than 5 of your squad because for some reason it tried to sneak through your formation waiting for the giant. I thought it would be easy. You are in full bronze plate wielding a greatsword made of adamantine. The goblin is unarmored wielding an iron dagger.
How did the goblin parry your attacks not once, but TWICE before stabbing you, a dracon almost twice it's size, in the upper spine? I assumed 'competent swordsman' implied competence. You are hereby discharged from the military. Unlike other overseers I don't dispose of my battle wounded, so you get to sit in the hospital for the rest of your natural life to think about your complete and utter failure.
Glad to sort a failure out of the military before the real threats start invading,
The Administration
P.S. I see you chose to suffocate. Your family will be mailed a bill for the cost of the funeral, and a copy of this letter will be sent to your next of kin, as well as engraved into your tombstone.
Post by: MadJax on February 11, 2011, 01:18:08 pm
I wish to extend my heartfelt thanks to you. I don't know how you did it, but when our 10 military dwarves, fully trained and decked out in steel armour held the gate against our second consecutive siege, you decided it was a good idea to charge out to meet the squad of goblins who had just arrived. At first, I thought you an expendable peon, easily replaced. But when you proceeded to literally tear them apart with your bare hands and a silk sock, I have reconsidered. You are our new military commander, and I am commissioning statues and rooms built in your honour. We need more dwarves like you, as you are, without a doubt, the most badass dwarf I have ever encountered.
Sincerely,
Management.
Post by: Maklak on February 11, 2011, 03:38:44 pm
Siege is not a good time for visiting my fortress. Coming from the direction opposite to the entrance, and walking around the moat during said siege was not very bright either. Still, you might have only suffered minimal losses, had you decided to run for my depot, and not scatter trying to run away from goblins, who are faster than you. While I appreciate bravery of your escort, charging off one by one to meet their doom from different squad of goblins was just bad tactics. Next time please stay in group and concentrate fighting on one squad.
To those of you who made it inside: I know, the death of your companions must have been quite a shock, but you should wait out the siege in the safety of my trade depot, rather than try to leave immediately. Still, I respect your free will.
If it is any consolation, our military managed to get rid of the goblins, and you are all getting a funeral. I also appreciate the gift of all the loot you no longer need.
Well, maybe some of it was my fault, so I decided to commission additional
PS: Please bring more guards next time.
Post by: Dr. D on February 11, 2011, 04:14:18 pm
I know that crundles are most likely very scary looking. However, the magma pool you just jumped into I guarantee is much more dangerous.
Have fun!
The controller of Orbscarnal.
Post by: Spork The Slightly Insane on February 11, 2011, 06:46:46 pm
Thanks for getting the walls up in such a timely manner, instead of sleeping. Due to your haste (or lack thereof), we now have five dwarves with their heads caved in by a skeletal horse. Hope you can outrun it.
Regards,
Management
Post by: GrizzleBridges on February 11, 2011, 09:34:16 pm
Good job, you built the floodgate. Thanks.
Unfortunately you seem to have placed yourself on the wrong side of it.
Hopefully our engineers will hook up the mechanisms before the river unfreez... Oh, nvm, too late.
Yours,
The Unseen Hand
Post by: shaded009 on February 12, 2011, 05:33:16 pm
While I understand your hatred for cowardly thieves, does hacking them with your axe not get the point across? Was it necessary to BITE him on the neck, latch on, and shake him around like a dog till you tore out his windpipe? Was it?
Cowering in fear,
Your terrified co-workers
Post by: Mister Always on February 12, 2011, 05:54:13 pm
Dear Urist McPyscho,
They don't respect you at that fort, man. Come to Dikewind. We'll give you your own wrestle/axedorf squad and a nice bedroom. Do you like mail shirts? Do you also like bronze? Artifact bronze mail shirt, baby, all yours. There's a picture of our god Zalstom the Sanctum of Gates (exalted be he, and so shall he keep our fortress safe) with dwarves prostating in front of him - if you want, you can imagine Zalstom is you, because he's depicted as a male dwarf! And there's a picture of a dwarf killing a goblin on it, AND it's got spikes! It sounds like your thing, man! You'd fit right in here.
Hope you consider the offer,
Archon of Armok #99594953948, overseer of the fortress Dikewind.
Post by: MythagoWoods on February 12, 2011, 06:22:42 pm
You have one eye.
You have one arm.
You wield a copper battle axe AND copper shield, both of which you've named, while your fellow military are decked in steel.
You are my best and most respected warrior with the most kills
Why did you decide to bite that forgotten beast with deadly extract?
How did you tear the HEAD off the forgotten beast with your TEETH?
How come you walked away unscathed, practically flossing with the beasts sinew, smothered in its blood, and are suffering no effects?
Why is that cat melting?
Sincerely,
Your perplexed but amused overseer.
Post by: Jake on February 13, 2011, 12:16:33 am
Sorry 'bout that. Didn't realise designating that section of wall to be smoothed would also designate the floor beneath the door. Just as well it opens inwards or you'd have had an even worse problem. Get well soon!
Your very embarrassed Avatar of Armok.
PS: Tell everyone I mean it about that poor outpost liaison’s blood, will you?
Post by: shaded009 on February 13, 2011, 04:28:40 am
Dear Archon of Armok #99594953948, overseer of the fortress Dikewind,
I would have been quite interested in your offer had I seen it sooner, truly, Dikewind sounds like an amazing place to live, but it cannot be. During the great piercing of the ocean (3rd attempt year 627) I decided that the mortal world no longer interests me, and as such I charged the ocean to battle the zombie great white sharks. Armok and Zalstrom send their regards about the fort by the way.
Sincerely,
Urist McChillinwiththegods (previously Urist McPsycho)
Post by: Mister Always on February 13, 2011, 05:04:42 am
Dear Urist McChillingwiththegods,
do what you gotta, man. The world(s) is (are) your oysters.
Sincerely,
Archon of Armok #99594953948
Post by: Mandango on February 14, 2011, 12:31:17 am
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,Dear overseer,
You have one eye.
You have one arm.
You wield a copper battle axe AND copper shield, both of which you've named, while your fellow military are decked in steel.
You are my best and most respected warrior with the most kills
Why did you decide to bite that forgotten beast with deadly extract?
How did you tear the HEAD off the forgotten beast with your TEETH?
How come you walked away unscathed, practically flossing with the beasts sinew, smothered in its blood, and are suffering no effects?
Why is that cat melting?
Sincerely,
Your perplexed but amused overseer.
HOLY ELF TESTICLES THAT'S AWESOME!
Yours truly,
Red shirt #3
Post by: Indricotherium on February 14, 2011, 12:22:29 pm
:D
Post by: Ultimuh on February 14, 2011, 12:26:32 pm
When I order a lever to be pulled, drop everything you got in our hands and get to the f****** lever!
Post by: agatharchides on February 14, 2011, 01:02:24 pm
When I tell you to take down a wall sticking out over nothing, don't take down the piece connecting it to the fort first. Particularly when the wall is over the dining room. It fell 4 z=levels through solid rock, killing 6 including a legendary bowyer and now the fort is at serious risk of tantrum spiral death. :(
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 14, 2011, 06:02:55 pm
I understand that you may want to take occasional breaks. I understand that you grow weary digging those deep, narrow trenches. Please cancel your break and channel those last three levels so that you don't STARVE. Thank you.
Post by: PwndJa on February 14, 2011, 06:10:35 pm
I understand that you wish to hone your skills and be a credit to the fort. I also understand that the fort currently has some food problems and that you were trying your best to help your starving brethren. This, however, does not mean hunting elephants with a low quality crossbow and wooden bolts is acceptable.
P.S. If you manage get back to the fort with your wounds I'll consider allowing the doctor to help.
P.P.S. Don't even think about coming back without bringing the lower half of your body.
Sincerely,
The voice in your head telling you to move all of that stone
Post by: MasterMorality on February 14, 2011, 06:53:54 pm
You're a trained military woman, a wrestler to be precise. The bowyer, in the dungeons, was chained up. I know he was causing a scene going berserk at his post, but he couldn't do anything, although apparently some carrying things to stockpiles were so shaken up by the noise he was making they dropped their goods all over the floor. Still, we have taken note of this and construction of a wall is going ahead in the future. I know that discipline is necessary for things like this, a swift beating would do wonders on shutting him up.
You did not have to beat him to death. He was the only Bowyer and may well have come in handy later on. Hell, that's just out of proportion. It worries me that after this you are very happy. I suggest you find better targets for your rage. If you do not, I fear I shall have to take steps.
Sincerely,
The Overlord.
Dear Mayor,
I'm unclear about who attacked who first, but it seems you were punching donkeys a little before hand. Eitherway, the peasant with the ice axe was an off duty recruit and despite the fact that you've killed a ghoul, you your arse handed to you. That said, most people would have bled out on the ground with the injuries you sustained from that fight. You are a badass woman to crawl your way to bed after that. I seriously thought you were going to die. \
With respect,
The Overlord.
Post by: Duntada Man on February 15, 2011, 04:38:36 pm
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,He is all that is dwarf.
You have one eye.
You have one arm.
You wield a copper battle axe AND copper shield, both of which you've named, while your fellow military are decked in steel.
You are my best and most respected warrior with the most kills
Why did you decide to bite that forgotten beast with deadly extract?
How did you tear the HEAD off the forgotten beast with your TEETH?
How come you walked away unscathed, practically flossing with the beasts sinew, smothered in its blood, and are suffering no effects?
Why is that cat melting?
Sincerely,
Your perplexed but amused overseer.
Post by: Akura on February 15, 2011, 07:04:34 pm
Dear Udil Damutzalis,If he was infact, berserk, then yes, she did have to kill him.
You're a trained military woman, a wrestler to be precise. The bowyer, in the dungeons, was chained up. I know he was causing a scene going berserk at his post, but he couldn't do anything, although apparently some carrying things to stockpiles were so shaken up by the noise he was making they dropped their goods all over the floor. Still, we have taken note of this and construction of a wall is going ahead in the future. I know that discipline is necessary for things like this, a swift beating would do wonders on shutting him up.
You did not have to beat him to death. He was the only Bowyer and may well have come in handy later on. Hell, that's just out of proportion. It worries me that after this you are very happy. I suggest you find better targets for your rage. If you do not, I fear I shall have to take steps.
Sincerely,
The Overlord.
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,He is all that is dwarf.
You have one eye.
You have one arm.
You wield a copper battle axe AND copper shield, both of which you've named, while your fellow military are decked in steel.
You are my best and most respected warrior with the most kills
Why did you decide to bite that forgotten beast with deadly extract?
How did you tear the HEAD off the forgotten beast with your TEETH?
How come you walked away unscathed, practically flossing with the beasts sinew, smothered in its blood, and are suffering no effects?
Why is that cat melting?
Sincerely,
Your perplexed but amused overseer.
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,
Post by: Samuel on February 15, 2011, 07:52:42 pm
I hate to interrupt you while you're partying, but do you hear that vague sound of a half dozen dwarfs groaning in agony? Sounds like it's coming from the hospital, doesn't it? Think it has something to do with the Goblin ambushes a few weeks ago? or the giant, living ball of fire that came from underground, maybe?
Have fun at the party. No really, take your time. But if we end up with a hospital full of vegetables slowly dying of infection, I'm going to send you to take care of the Elk Bird infestation in the caverns. Alone. And you'll be naked.
Signed,
An Annoyed Overseer
Post by: Nyxalinth on February 16, 2011, 01:11:48 am
How did you get upstairs from the caverns? Not that I'm complaining, you're rather cute and it's amusing to see you pop up all over. But aren't you supposed to grow in the caverns? How did you get up here? I assume your happy little spores wafted up and started growing. this bears further investigation, for Science.
the puzzled and amused overseer
Post by: MasterMorality on February 16, 2011, 03:25:01 pm
What's more fun than dropping you four z levels onto hard stone? Watching you survive the initial impact and linger, sometimes attempting to get back to your caravan, passing out and vomiting all the while, until your death. That said at least two of you did manage to survive. I respect that.
Much amused,
The Overseer
Post by: Nekudotayim on February 16, 2011, 09:05:26 pm
I am really thankful for all the hard work you did down there deep beneath the earth. So I sent you some new miners, to speed up the work and let you have more freetime.
I didn't expect you to take this so serious. Why do you only dig away one tile and let the others also dig away one tile? You may enjoy the walk up and down all the time but that is not, what I had in mind.
Regards,
The Overlord
Post by: ZeroSumHappiness on February 17, 2011, 10:40:47 am
When I assigned the dangerous task of carving holes into the warm rock I didn't mean you. I know that you were doing engraving-duty since we are not currently expanding, but couldn't you have taken time off to drink or something? I will have to be more clear in the future which, unfortunately, you are not a part of.
Your Illustrious Overseer
Dear Usist McOtherLegendaryMiner,
After seeing the first legendary miner put holes into the teat of Hell, releasing its awesome milk all over his Armok-damned self perhaps you should not have done the exact same thing seconds later. Seriously, people, I put you on temp duty and you think you can do the most dangerous job in the fort.
Your Disappointed Overseer
Also, facepalm at myself for doing that twice in a row. One miner slow enough to be eaten by magma, sure, it sucks. TWO IN A ROW...
Post by: Greiger on February 18, 2011, 11:47:05 am
No that nest box is not for you it's for the birds in the pen.
Why the hell did you carry your offspring to the food stockpile? That's disturbing.
Dammit no! I wanted that chocobo egg kept in the nest box! I want them to breed dammit!
I told you people to stop laying yer eggs in the chocobo pens!
I needed a new food stockpile, the split second that it allowed eggs was not reason for you to all universally take your eggs out of your nest boxes! Are you that insistent on disturbing omlettes?
Why are you claiming a nest box! You aren't even married! And it's in the chocobo pens at any rate!
Sincerely with raising stress levels,
The administration
Post by: Joshua IX on February 20, 2011, 09:39:22 am
Next time you go to pull a lever, thus securing our fortress from severe flooding, try to avoid falling 4 z-levels down a well, getting caught in the current (or swimming towards the light - we'll never know) and then falling a further 12 z-levels into our bottom-of-gorge statue garden/drinking area.
Your skills will not be missed, nor will your company - the mayor hated you. Though it was severely inconvenient to clear up all those body parts from our beautiful recreation space.
Enjoy the crypt!
Your benevolent (?) overseer
Post by: Mantonio on February 20, 2011, 10:55:56 am
While the site chosen for PraiseHelms is pleasant enough (
If I didn't know better, I'd say the King was trying to scam people into setting up shop above less attractive (yet admittedly useful to the Dwarfen Empire) metals like tin or bismuth, rather than iron or gold that so many seek! Not that I'm personally complaining, but perhaps letting them know beforehand would result in less cases of unprepared outposts being pillaged by Goblins. Just a thought.
-
Administrator of Praisehelms
- To Urist McAnimaltrainer
We need a petting zoo. Chop chop!
- Administrator
Post by: jaxy15 on February 20, 2011, 02:01:03 pm
What the hell is your problem? Why did you have to kill the dog and miner?
You have serious freaking issues. Everyone was happy when you died.
See you in hell.
You will not be missed.
Signed,
Person who likes justice.
Dear new people who joined the military squad,
You will replace the warriors that were defeated in a fight against goblins.
The barracks are 2 Z-levels below the fort.
Your training gear and fighting gear are on stockpiles in the dining room.
Signed,
A person.
Post by: Nekudotayim on February 22, 2011, 03:41:23 pm
are you friggin nuts or something??!? Stop mandating friggin bismuth items! We have no friggin bismuth! Or let's say it's friggin rare!
You may have some friggin accident with some friggin magma one friggin day!
Also: friggin!
Signed
An annoyed Overseer.
PS: friggin!!!
Post by: ivze on February 22, 2011, 07:13:16 pm
the nice blue hammer is not for you, it's for the justice system.
Signed,
overseer.
Post by: winner22580 on February 22, 2011, 07:17:13 pm
You should not drop all the things that will keep you alive such as weapons and armor when i send you to defend the fort from a hoard of crossbow wielding goblins, punching them to death might seem like as awesome idea at the time but you got 6 of your squad members killed.
yours truly, overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 22, 2011, 08:15:38 pm
Please, do not throw me out of your nice castle as I sleep. Especially when I asked permission to stay. Especially when I do not have any companions. Especially since I was thrown out far from the gates.
Sincerely,
A concerned adventurer.
PS. Please tell your soldiers to stop stealing kills.
Post by: castun on February 22, 2011, 08:20:16 pm
I realize that keeping morale up is incredibly important, especially in these dark times when our gates are sealed, entombing us for time uncertain while the ogreish besiegers stare in stupor at the simple raised bridge blocking their access to the tasty dwarven brain snacks within, but enough is enough. This must be the 4th party this year, and I hardly think the circumstances warrant it. Especially so soon after Urist McDepressed chose to starve himself and die of thirst in front of everybody in the meeting hall.
If this grab-assing continues, I'm going to have my best engineers devise a dwarf
Signed,
Your not-so-festive Benefactor
P.S. There will be cake.
Post by: Ultimuh on February 22, 2011, 09:15:26 pm
I do know that you oh so much despise large roaches.
But why you have to engrave them all over the place is beyond my comprehension.
You DO realize that you will spend every single day, of your life passing these engravings of what you hate, right?
Also, keep the engarvings of your hatedom out of the dining hall,
that area is exclusively for heroic deeds and other important world events.
If further violation of the dining hall walls are made, I will be forced to draft and station you outside the fortress.
I do hope you realize exactly how cold a glacier is, at this time of the year.
-The Overseer
Ps: goblin ambushers have been occasionally been spotted out there.
Post by: Egon on February 22, 2011, 09:24:50 pm
When I assigned you guys the task of standing in the gatehouse, which was well-stocked with all kinds of lovely metal ammunition for which to shoot the living crap out of goblins and their troll friends, I didn't expect or particularly want you to rush down the stairs to do so. that's what fortifications are for. Your close combat skills are dabbling, at best, while your marksmanship and archery are both accomplished or better. Please leave the hand to hand for the melee squads, thanks.
- The boss.
PS- GUys, I know no one liked that one macedwarf. still, allowing him to take on the better part of three goblin squads alone was kind of messed up. you guys just watched!
Post by: UristMcDwarf on February 23, 2011, 02:20:24 pm
I'm being so nice.
You wanted a slade door, you can have one.
Here's your pickaxe.
Hurry up and go get the slade.
See you soon,
The Invisible Hand.
Post by: Dutchling on February 23, 2011, 02:58:57 pm
Dear Urist McPartyOrganizers,
I realize that keeping morale up is incredibly important, especially in these dark times when our gates are sealed, entombing us for time uncertain while the ogreish besiegers stare in stupor at the simple raised bridge blocking their access to the tasty dwarven brain snacks within, but enough is enough. This must be the 4th party this year, and I hardly think the circumstances warrant it. Especially so soon after Urist McDepressed chose to starve himself and die of thirst in front of everybody in the meeting hall.
If this grab-assing continues, I'm going to have my best engineers devise a dwarfcatapulttransporter, and have you hand deliver a note to the jealous ogres who await eagerly outside to attend the festivities. The note will be to inform them that they are now invited, and to RSVP. I will also be sure to have the note pinned to the front of your disheveled tunic, so as not to get misplacedin midairen route.
Signed,
Your not-so-festive Benefactor
P.S. There will be cake.
Dear UristMcCastun
to avoid this you can just create meeting zones over all the places you want dorfs to meet, just don't forget to assign the dining room as a.. well dining room :P
Post by: Shook on February 23, 2011, 05:01:20 pm
Please get the hell away from the spot where Urist McMason is trying to build a wall. Despite your astounding intellect, you are not a wall, and will never be. We do have a shortage of bones in stock, though.
Yours truly,
- Floating X of Differing Coloration
---
Dear Urist McMason
Stop going 40 z-levels down to find a rock. There is a reason as to why Urist McHauler made a stockpile a few meters away from you.
With anger and frustration,
- Your resident invisible fortress overlord
---
Dear Urist McHauler
GRAB THE NEAREST ROCKS FIRST.
With get-the-fork-back-to-work,
- Armok's Beard
---
Dear Urist McSecretive
Stop sketching pictures of shining bars of metal when we haven't ever had any. However, i present you with this fine wall.
Dutifully,
- Urist McMason
---
Yay for correlation. :P
Post by: castun on February 23, 2011, 05:32:32 pm
Dear UristMcCastun
to avoid this you can just create meeting zones over all the places you want dorfs to meet, just don't forget to assign the dining room as a.. well dining room :P
Avoid what, parties being organized? And how so, does keeping all the dwarves from gathering in the same place help prevent parties?
Post by: Ratbert_CP on February 23, 2011, 06:09:39 pm
Dear UristMcCastun
to avoid this you can just create meeting zones over all the places you want dorfs to meet, just don't forget to assign the dining room as a.. well dining room :P
Avoid what, parties being organized? And how so, does keeping all the dwarves from gathering in the same place help prevent parties?
Make your noble/elven/caravan "welcoming" room into a meeting area. Let natural selection weed out the partyers... ;)
Or make sure you have *no* meeting areas, and there will never be a focal point for a party. How can you meet at the onyx table if it isn't a meeting hall? Just remember that zoos, statuary gardens, etc. are all meeting areas by inference... Your dwarves will get even more socially inept an morose, and nothing spells success quite like "depressed alcoholic sociopath with deep abandonment issues and moderate spectrum disorder symptoms magnified by constant isolation and repeated life-threatening trauma". Well, that actually spells "sideshow peace, placid choir tools "
Also, "vomits with a gleam" spells "solve it with magma"... ;)
edit: Hrmmm... Thought that looked a bit off... My initial phrase was truncated! Stupid me... :P But "depressed alcoholic sociopath" spells "dislocates heroic cephalopods".
Post by: Greep on February 23, 2011, 08:12:14 pm
Next time when we embark, do not drown to death immediately in a pond. Thanks.
Post by: GrizzleBridges on February 23, 2011, 09:32:02 pm
Thanks for leaving us alone all this time... These peaceful times have been very prosperous for us. We even managed to become a Mountainhome (Check out or solid-gold drawbridge).
So... umm... were getting kinda bored now.... Any time you want to attack... thats fine by us.
Anybody there?
Yours sincerely,
The residents of Ironcrown
Post by: JmzLost on February 23, 2011, 09:59:38 pm
Dear UristMcCastun
to avoid this you can just create meeting zones over all the places you want dorfs to meet, just don't forget to assign the dining room as a.. well dining room :P
Avoid what, parties being organized? And how so, does keeping all the dwarves from gathering in the same place help prevent parties?
If the meeting area is defined from a zone, there is no object for the party to focus on, hence no "Urist has organized a Party at ... " messages. Idle dwarfs will still gather there, but will do their jobs when there is work. Rooms defined from cages, statues, and chains are always available for parties, so just build them in a zone defined as a meeting area instead (except jails, which I avoid).
On topic:
Dear Urist McBeekeeper, and friends,
When installing a new colony of bees, please check existing hives first. Running out of the fortress and halfway across the map may be good exercise, but there are goblins and alligators out there beyond our defenses.
Thanks for the ambush warning,
-The guy who thinks mead is very under priced
JMZ
Post by: Draxis on February 24, 2011, 06:13:10 pm
Dodging practice is well and good. However, you would find yourself far happier if you would practice it somewhere other than the archery range. While there are things to dodge there, they are sharp and pointy and going very fast.
Signed, your concerned omniscient boss.
Post by: wolfroy on February 24, 2011, 11:39:28 pm
why, oh why, of all the things you could have brought with you to my fort, did you bring a reindeer? and especially if it was not your pet, why would you bring something with no feasible use other than food? i mean, i would understand if it saved you as a child or something, but seeing as the fort is running low on supplies like food, so i would advise you saying goodbye to your reindeer as quickly as possible, so we can "repossess it"
- your moderately concerned overlord
Post by: Flaede on February 25, 2011, 12:00:43 am
Dear Urist McImmigrant
why, oh why, of all the things you could have brought with you to my fort, did you bring a reindeer? and especially if it was not your pet, why would you bring something with no feasible use other than food? i mean, i would understand if it saved you as a child or something, but seeing as the fort is running low on supplies like food, so i would advise you saying goodbye to your reindeer as quickly as possible, so we can "repossess it"
- your moderately concerned overlord
WARNING: pets can't be eaten. Kill the owner first.
Post by: Alternatecash on February 25, 2011, 06:05:48 pm
I can understand being upset about the rain. And the cockroaches. And the repetitive food. But when a turkey pecking you in the hand is enough to make you decide to murder everyone in the fort, why did you spare the turkey's life?
Confused, one of the voices in your head.
Post by: wolfroy on February 26, 2011, 12:10:23 am
it wasnt actually his pet, i was just confused at the fact that he dragged it to my fort with him if it WASN'T also the reindeer chops were deliciousDear Urist McImmigrant
why, oh why, of all the things you could have brought with you to my fort, did you bring a reindeer? and especially if it was not your pet, why would you bring something with no feasible use other than food? i mean, i would understand if it saved you as a child or something, but seeing as the fort is running low on supplies like food, so i would advise you saying goodbye to your reindeer as quickly as possible, so we can "repossess it"
- your moderately concerned overlord
WARNING: pets can't be eaten. Kill the owner first.
Post by: Peewee on February 26, 2011, 12:45:26 am
Dearest Urist McLegendaryWoodcutter,:D
I can understand being upset about the rain. And the cockroaches. And the repetitive food. But when a turkey pecking you in the hand is enough to make you decide to murder everyone in the fort, why did you spare the turkey's life?
Confused, one of the voices in your head.
Oh dear, you just made my night.
Post by: Greyejoy on February 26, 2011, 01:03:40 am
While I understand that you're upset about the minor cave in that broke your legs (what were you doing in the mine anyway?), your friends said you were still quite happy. So, I'm rather confused why you dragged yourself to the edge of the new moat and hurled your drunken, stunted body down it. However, you do have the distinction of being our first cemetery member.
- Management
Dear Urist McMiner
I would like to thank you for your stoic reaction to the farmer's body exploding next to you and your quick response to cleaning it up. I'm looking forward to more successful contributions to the smooth running of Steelhammers.
- Management
Post by: anon_outlaw on February 26, 2011, 03:29:31 pm
Dear UristMcNoviceHunter,
I understand that you wish to hone your skills and be a credit to the fort. I also understand that the fort currently has some food problems and that you were trying your best to help your starving brethren. This, however, does not mean hunting elephants with a low quality crossbow and wooden bolts is acceptable.
P.S. If you manage get back to the fort with your wounds I'll consider allowing the doctor to help.
P.P.S. Don't even think about coming back without bringing the lower half of your body.
Sincerely,
The voice in your head telling you to move all of that stone
Dear crippled hunter,
your a pussy.
signed, another overseer who's own novice hunter just took on 2 elephants, got bored then a week later killed another one.
Post by: Cyroth on February 27, 2011, 06:09:39 pm
I hope that you take the death of Urist MCLegendaryEngraver as an example, and that no one will every try to clean the
Signed, the only sane person in this fort.
Dear Urist McLegendaryEngraver
Why, of all times, did you decide to clean the bottom of the
No one has ever cleaned this mess since the machine entered service 9 years ago! So why now?
Exactly at the moment that we have been
Such a chunk of raw goblinite, tough soft and fleshy inside, has a really hard shell, which is, after all, the only reason why we go such lengths to harvest it. Now imagine what happens if this chunk gets accelerated by a 50z level fall... the force of this impact is by the way the reason why one of your arms was found 30z lvls upwards, on the balcony outside the gem windows that allow our military a good view on the extraction process.
Signed, the only sane person in this fort.
Post by: Nyxalinth on March 02, 2011, 12:36:45 am
Guys. I admire your tenacity. You have been at war with the Mountain Homes for as long as Armok knows. You have carried this over to attacking Largebusts. If nothing else, we dwarves can appreciate a good dose of foolhardy stubborness. But seriously, give it up already. You're not going to win. You've sent 15 sieges of no less than 20 elves/warhorses each. Everyone of you has been slaughtered. Our losses consist of 15, maybe 20 dwarves at the most, some cats, and assorted farm animals. Do the math.
I would also think that word of our military wrestlers defeating not one, but TWO dragons would have given you pause, but apparently not. Ah well, do keep bringing us your crappy wooden crap with the occasional cool masterwork item. Your skulls make nice totems.
Much admiration of your
the Overseer at Largebusts
Post by: mszegedy on March 02, 2011, 12:42:06 am
One kind of alcohol is enough.
Love,
Mike
Post by: Mandango on March 02, 2011, 03:50:57 am
When I send out the order to deconstruct the bridge that you seem to have taken a liking to, no matter how much you stand on in out of protest, it will not stop it's removal. But the most staggeringly dumb thing you did was not protesting the removal of a bridge by standing on it, but allowing yourself to fall ten stories below after the bridge was removed from under your feet. You survived, for that I give you props, but seriously you have the kind of intelligence that could make you a noble, if you survive that long.
You're benevolent hivemind overlord
Post by: Kogut on March 02, 2011, 04:04:13 am
train this mining skill faster!
Signed, the supreme leader of your multiverse.
Post by: myrkul on March 02, 2011, 06:09:33 am
Dear Kurthyvor*, Dracon Trader
Just because YOU can breathe underwater does not mean your mule can. Stop swimming through the sewer system to get to the trade depot and then having your friends getting pissy and leaving because your mule drown. No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa. It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.
Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning corpses out of the plumbing.
Apologies if this has been mentioned in the 72 pages since.... but Have you considered making their only pack animal something like a giant toad or such? Anything [AMPHIBIAN] will do....
And then, Aquatic Lizard Santa!
Post by: Ze Spy on March 02, 2011, 08:02:20 am
Fuck you assho-*not written because of a sudden infection from Forgotten beast blood*
Post by: anon_outlaw on March 02, 2011, 10:01:47 am
Please bring me a steel anvil, some toys for the fortress children and new crossbow for the watchman. i have left out a glass of fish oil and a plate of reed cookies for your enjoyment.
Sincerely, post master of Moutainhome Lavabath.
Post by: Greiger on March 02, 2011, 01:17:41 pm
Apologies if this has been mentioned in the 72 pages since.... but Have you considered making their only pack animal something like a giant toad or such? Anything [AMPHIBIAN] will do....
And then, Aquatic Lizard Santa!
Unfortunately I couldn't figure out how to get them to only bring one kind of animal without either removing the others completely or removing their ability to be pack animals for anyone at all. And I didn't want to go that far. I do have another pack animal that can survive underwater. But the chances of the trader being of the caste that can survive underwater and happen to have the correct creature at the same time are slim.
----------------------
To Mountainhome of Lavabath
My reindeer was carrying your requests from my workshop in the equator when it appears to have drown in a small lake or river on it's way to your fortress. I'm not sure which since I was dragging it along and didn't really look back for some time before I noticed it's bloated waterlogged corpse. I only noticed because it started making a delicious smell in the summertime sun I'm afraid, and too late to collect the goods.
Anyway your steel anvil, toys and crossbows are someplace underwater between your fortress and my workshop where my kobold workers' knots failed. Feel free to collect at your leisure.
Thank you for the wonderful snack. As an extra thanks I have left my reindeer in your plumbing system as is traditional, hopefully it will continue to make your water taste funny for your children's enjoyment for years to come.
Hiss, hiss, hiss, Merry Aquatic Reptilemas to all, and to all a warm rock to sun themselves on.
From,
Aquatic Lizard Santa.
Post by: mszegedy on March 02, 2011, 11:50:00 pm
Based upon your actions a few days ago, I am forced to conclude that either:
a. You are insane, and criminally so. This is not in the records, so this is not likely.
b. You were intoxicated with an exotic substance upon the below described event. Perhaps LSD, or something in the phenethylamine class.
c. You suffer from some form of mental retardation of which I am as of yet uninformed. I consider this the most likely option.
d. You were acting in the worst interests of your fellow peers upon the below described event.
e. You have an IQ of at most -12, as well as not possessing skills of fundamental reasoning.
f. You suffer from sort of phobia, perhaps campestrophobia or simple claustrophobia. This was not indicated by your worker's profile.
The event I am referring to is the following: On the 453rd of Adamantine vōs finished building the wall that completely sealed our fortress off from the outside world. I then sent Urist McDiligent to pull the lever that allowed my five-tile drawbridge to open, whereby vōs were allowed to leave, and start carrying out the last harvest before winter. I stationed you inside to handle the lever, in the event of an ambush. At one point, I decided that the drawbridge should be closed. I issued the orders to close the drawbridge, and in the same moment relieved you of your duty. You proceeded to pull the lever. Then, in the same instant, you sped across the room to the other side of the drawbridge. So speedily did you move, in fact, that you were able to clear the drawbridge in what seemed to me a single instant. I know that you ran and not teleported by that every single component of yours relating to your legs was tagged as "fatigued". I congratulate you on your haste, however it seems that you have locked everybody out of the fortress, and we must compromise our defenses to reenter.
I am sorely disappointed in your lack of common sense. Expect to be assigned as liaison next spring. You will not be spared.
Sincerely,
Mike
Post by: Samuel on March 04, 2011, 11:54:00 pm
I don't know how awesome you think you are, but I can personally assure you, it's an exaggeration on your part. If you fire a bolt at a goblin in the area of 50 tiles away, you are going to fucking miss. Your amazing failure to realize this has resulted in the deaths of several of your comrades, including civilians who were counting on you.
Signed,
An angered overseer
Dear Civilians,
There comes a time in a dwarf's life, such as when goblins are attacking, when he must make a split second decision to run to the left or right. At times, a purely arbitrary decision is understandable. At other times, such as when there is a feild of weapon traps to the right that can reduce entire seiges to mulch, it is not.
I'd normally dismiss your terminal stupidity as a self-correcting problem, but you also managed to lure the aforementioned goblins away from the aforementioned traps. This is an unacceptable mistake. Has the decadent lifestyle which is affordable here at Spotgloves been taxing on your brains as well as your livers? Because I can easily wall of the stockpile and immediately cease booze production.
Signed,
An even angrier overseer,
PS Freaking see if I'm kidding.
Post by: Greiger on March 05, 2011, 09:04:10 pm
You want a glass workshop, alrighty then, I don't have sand on site but have 6 magma smelters, I can convert one to a glassworks, and I think the traders left some sand last visit. Oh you don't like magma? Here have a standard glassworks in the old adamantine vein. Ok cool, ya claimed it.
You want raw green glass.... Yer in a glassworks with sand available...but whatever, I'll have somebody make you a chunk of raw glass at the converted smelter. No worries.
There ya go, glad you liked it. And now you want logs...there's about 50 logs up by the carpenter's shop...hmm...maybe I'm reading yer demands wrong. You also want cloth? Our primary export is rope reed crafts, we have plenty of cloth. We're producing it faster than we can process it, there's something like 200 units of excess cloth up by the crafts workshop. Thread too.
...Well maybe you want silk cloth. That's a bit of a pain, but I can get that. I'll just send some weavers into the cavern under guard... there you go 5 units of silk cloth and 3 units of unprocessed silk thread, just in case. Still no?
..Well maybe some wool. Somebody has a pet sheep someplace...there you go, one unit of sheep wool cloth. Still no?
What the fuck do you want with me? I have supplied all you asked! All you took was the glass! You want wood? Theres tons of wood! You want Any kind of cloth under the sun? The stockpiles are overflowing!
Here have a few guards...and a locked door. And your own personal tomb that is suspiciously shaped like one of the premade generic gravesites given to idiots. You are a glassmaker, on a map with no sand, with a possessed mood. You don't deserve the effort I put out to satisfy yer needs. Have a nice life, what's left of it.
Sincerely,
The Administration
(Seriously, no idea what this guy wants. The only thing not mentioned is leather, which again, the stockpiles are overflowing with. It's definitely not a resource shortage.)
Post by: Keldane on March 05, 2011, 09:11:08 pm
Post by: Lagslayer on March 05, 2011, 09:50:59 pm
Post by: Greiger on March 05, 2011, 09:54:16 pm
And he was stalled before the ambush came anyway. Oddly he also hasn't gone nuts yet, it's been a season. The Fortress guard are actually starting to get annoyed from the long patrol watching him.
@Lagslayer If he wanted that he deserves to die. I don't have access to that, my civ doesn't have access to that, the humans and elves don't have access to that, and judging from their equipment even the goblins and orcs don't have access to that. There is no reason to belive anybody even knows the stuff exists in this world. The only evil areas are an ocean and a small marsh way off in the ass end of nowhere.
Post by: Flying Dice on March 05, 2011, 10:59:14 pm
Please enjoy your stay at the bottom of the spike pit. It is, after all, your fault for coming to my struggling fortress with no abilities other than rubbing animal teats or letting food rot.
Also, Urist McMiner: Thank you for always, without fail, channeling yourself into a corner, so to speak.
Post by: Vercingetorix on March 05, 2011, 11:04:18 pm
I wish he'd lose the next election and be replaced by someone who likes magnetite.
Post by: Dynastia on March 06, 2011, 03:14:29 am
It certainly is a great honour to have such a skilled artisan as you immigrate to our fledgling castle. I can most certainly empathize with your decision to up stakes and move, as I understand that life in the Mountainhomes can be uncertain for a Wood Carver, what with the overwhelming glut of crystal glass, gold and platinum making simple wooden craftsmanship a little underappreciated and underpriced.
However, before you embarked on this no-doubt dangerous and expensive undertaking, did you stop to consider the fact that our fortress is called Frosthames the Frigid Ice-Spire and has been dug into a solid glacier wall? Welcome to the army, son.
Sincerely, Urist McMayor
Post by: Kogut on March 06, 2011, 06:22:33 am
Listen, Mayor, I know you REALLY love brass but there is no possible way for me to make you a brass bed (even though that seemingly makes sense) let alone put one in your dining room. Even if by some random chance you got a strange mood there is no brass to be had in our fortress, period.
I wish he'd lose the next election and be replaced by someone who likes magnetite.
Dear Urist McPlayer,
you can replace nobles, including mayor
Post by: Shook on March 06, 2011, 07:51:41 am
Stop walling yourself in a dry murky pool, you idiosyncratic nincompoop. You're supposed to make the wall from inside the fortress.
Sincerely,
The guy who orders alcohol to be made
Post by: adwarf on March 06, 2011, 10:26:36 am
Go away I already have fifty dwarves, and no way to get more food so go away.
Post by: billybobfred on March 06, 2011, 03:10:39 pm
CC: elven merchants from Adela Nina, "The Wonder of Races"
Re: the goblin snatcher in our dry moat
Guys. He's not going to hurt you. He's basically completely dead. Stop panicking and running away from the only entrance to the fort.
Post by: Urist McBusDriver on March 06, 2011, 05:42:59 pm
Do you know you can grow plump helmets underground without irrigation now?
Dear Urist McBillyBobFred:
Why haven't you sent a squad to slay the dying goblin in the moat? Just draft some cheesemakers as wrestlers and go finish him off; he can't take them all down!
Post by: imperium3 on March 06, 2011, 06:05:30 pm
Stranding yourself on a piece of soon-to-be collapsed floor was not a smart idea. Lets see if you can fly...
The Management
Post by: billybobfred on March 06, 2011, 09:48:56 pm
re: the goblin snatcher
All my military dorfs are marksdorfs, so I just stationed them near the corpse. There's no access to the dry moat anyway. (this is by design) It was simply taking too long for him to die and in the meantime I wanted everyone to calm down. But nooooo, run away from the scewwy pincushion.
Post by: Dynastia on March 07, 2011, 09:56:47 am
Or pit a bitch (or lioness, or tigress, or female bear, etc.) onto him. She'll continue to breed without access to any males, and her progeny can live in the moat, patrolling it and finishing off any wounded goblins who might fall in later.
Post by: Keita on March 07, 2011, 10:01:29 am
Hello Urist, I know you've been complaining of bee stings as of late and that's fine, who would like to get stung over thirty times? But this isn't really under my control when you deliberetly sit where all the wild bees are, even after my best efforts to make you do otherwise.
Your ever viligant and powerful overlord,
Metal Militia
Post by: Tirunus on March 07, 2011, 03:29:20 pm
I have made it clear that I only need 40 men to continue this operation and it has been followed through. But when I lose my stonecrafter to goblins and I have 39 men left I asked to send one good man this migrant season, but why do you send 15 more dwarfs?
Love, your favorite money maker that is considering raiding the next caravan.
Post by: Samuel on March 08, 2011, 12:50:07 am
A broken foot is no picnic, so I commend you on your ability to stay conscious for periods of time while recuperating. I imagine it says something to the other dwarves about your strength and resolve as a leader. But let me tell you, there is no shame in lying down for a routine treatment on the Traction Bench, and frankly, shoving away the doctors and standing there until you pass out again is more rude than strong. Tell you what: There are so Elves stinking up our Trade Depot right this second. If you accept your treatment and recover in time, you might get to sink that axe of yours into some treehugger skulls.
Signed,
An Overseer Who Cares About You
Post by: ElthMysterius on March 09, 2011, 10:00:25 am
As you know, last year, our band of seven left for the wilderness to set up an outpost. Because of budget cuts, we had to make do without an anvil, but we had prepared the magma forging area well before autumn, so that we may begin smithing operations as soon as possible. We had a good stockpile of stone crafts made by our resident stoneworker to offer in exchange for much needed supplies. Like that anvil. Remember that anvil? Oh.
You forgot it.
Your traders had the gall to showcase the nice bar of steel they brought along, which was easily the most valuable thing they had with them. Well, thanks for the steel. It's a shame we can't use it. Because we have no anvil. We can't make an anvil because we have no anvil.
I don't get how you can forget an anvil. It isn't exactly small or inconspicuous. Our anvils are the very basis of our civilization. Our steel is our strength, just as our strength is our steel. When the goblins come and they find no steel to still their blades, you will be held responsible.
Right now, we have absolutely no means to defend ourselves, since, in your infinite wisdom, also decided we wouldn't need any weapons or armour. Because of YOU, our outpost will now be completely defenseless for another year. I am sending a copy of this letter, as well as a stock report and a list of names of those involved to His Majesty the King. Any deaths as a result of our lack of metal will be attributed to you. Punishment for murder is quite severe. I hope you will reflect on your decisions.
Sincerely,
The Overseer of the dwarven outpost of Syruppartner
Post by: ledgekindred on March 09, 2011, 12:00:36 pm
Unlike most occasions, wherein I use this opportunity to call out a particularly troublesome dwarf, instead I wish to commend you on your insane mug-making skills. I'm not sure what kind of autistic mug-making savant you are, but the fact that I was able to trade just one of your little rock mugs for our desperately-needed anvil is impressive. I'm not sure if these traders are fascinated by your mugs or what, but from some of the rumors going around the fortress, I hesitate to guess as to why these two merchants would be happy to receive one cup and I'm afraid to ask.
I do find it curious that, while you have this mug-making talent, you make crappy crafts, toys and instruments. I now have a pile of 10D$ piccolos, but at the same time, this single mug is worth 190D$, nearly as much as this entire pile of piccolos. What am I gonna do with all these dumb piccolos.
In any case, the fact that you have single-handedly vastly increased the wealth of the fortress by sitting in your little room churning out mugs has earned you the right to your very own bedroom. With a cabinet. (Which you will undoubtedly fill with new clothes once your existing ones have rotted away, but will never actually wear.)
Yrs,
Your Benevolent Overlord
Post by: Urist McGyver on March 09, 2011, 02:53:24 pm
If I tell one of you to channel a 50-Z Pit to fling all useless stuff from the fort in it while the other digs a staircase so that you can return to the surface once you're finished, DON'T use the half completed pit as a quick transportation everytime you popout for a snooze. We don't have that much people willing to be miners, neither doctors at this stage.
Your mentor and guide,
Urist Mcgyver
Post by: Qinetix on March 09, 2011, 03:01:16 pm
Please , when the elves go down the magma trap , please PULL the lever at the same moment when the elves go throught the trap hall way , thanks to you only one died and the other one managed to run away , perfect here come the elf siegers... atleast i thank you for bringing more bones for my craft industry :3
Post by: Shook on March 09, 2011, 03:25:14 pm
Please don't take a nap while doing surgery. The poor sod is in extreme pain, and all you think of is sleeping? Not cool bro.
Sincerely,
Exhasperated flying X
Post by: Keldane on March 09, 2011, 05:54:41 pm
Yes, the tunnels are narrow, and yes, that cat belongs to Urist McOtherMiner. I can assure you, though, that said Urist will not be unhappy if you step over his cat. There's no need to turn around and run back to the last intersection to take an alternate route, especially when Fluffy McKittens has already chosen to do the same, causing an identical situation when you get to the other hallway. If you really don't want to have to step over the cat, stand in the side passage while it goes past. Wasting untold amounts of time running in circles is supposed to be the job of the military, not the miners.
Sincerely,
The Facepalming Observer.
Dear Fluffy McKitten
You knew exactly what you were doing, didn't you?
Sincerely,
The Now-Suspicious Observer.
Post by: Urist McGyver on March 09, 2011, 06:41:35 pm
Dear Fluffy McKitten
You knew exactly what you were doing, didn't you?
Sincerely,
The Now-Suspicious Observer.
They always do.
Post by: billybobfred on March 09, 2011, 06:47:14 pm
re: your child
When you see a goblin snatcher, what do you do?
(hint: not the thing you did)
Post by: Tirunus on March 09, 2011, 07:52:38 pm
A special message addressed to the Trade Guild Master of the Mountainhomes,
As you know, last year, our band of seven left for the wilderness to set up an outpost. Because of budget cuts, we had to make do without an anvil, but we had prepared the magma forging area well before autumn, so that we may begin smithing operations as soon as possible. We had a good stockpile of stone crafts made by our resident stoneworker to offer in exchange for much needed supplies. Like that anvil. Remember that anvil? Oh.
You forgot it.
Your traders had the gall to showcase the nice bar of steel they brought along, which was easily the most valuable thing they had with them. Well, thanks for the steel. It's a shame we can't use it. Because we have no anvil. We can't make an anvil because we have no anvil.
I don't get how you can forget an anvil. It isn't exactly small or inconspicuous. Our anvils are the very basis of our civilization. Our steel is our strength, just as our strength is our steel. When the goblins come and they find no steel to still their blades, you will be held responsible.
Right now, we have absolutely no means to defend ourselves, since, in your infinite wisdom, also decided we wouldn't need any weapons or armour. Because of YOU, our outpost will now be completely defenseless for another year. I am sending a copy of this letter, as well as a stock report and a list of names of those involved to His Majesty the King. Any deaths as a result of our lack of metal will be attributed to you. Punishment for murder is quite severe. I hope you will reflect on your decisions.
Sincerely,
The Overseer of the dwarven outpost of Syruppartner
Dear Overseer of the dwarven outpost of Syruppartner,
Make rock short swords and bone armor like a real dwarf,wussy.
Sincerely,
Trade Guild Master of the Mountainhomes
Post by: KillerClowns on March 10, 2011, 01:28:29 am
While possessed, you managed to take two yak skeletons, one elephant skeleton, and a mudstone boulder, and turn the entire mess into a single, undecorated buckler. I'm not sure whether to be enraged, or amazed. I realize it's hard to remember what went on in your head during this process, being possessed and all, but please, enlighten me if you can.
Your confused overlord
Post by: Raufgar on March 10, 2011, 02:12:56 am
Granted we all greatly appreciate your effort in carving out our new living quarters all by yourself with nothing more than a steel pick, however I must question your decision to jump down into our yet-to-be-completed-and-completely-cut-off-from-the-main-fort-without-any-exit water reservoir from the channels I designed into the plans for our soon-to-be-built wells. I had to make some last minute changes to our fort plans to accommodate your escape from the reservoir cause frankly, without you we're all doomed to live in large dormitories surrounded by trade goods.
Note to self: train another dwarf in Urist McMiner's duties in the event of another "incident". Plans are being drawn up for Quick Death(TM) devices to alleviate the horrible premise of dying from dehydration and hunger. Thank Armok for that volcano we embarked next to...
Sincerely,
Your increasingly deranged Overseer.
Post by: ricree on March 10, 2011, 06:12:47 am
Re: Acceptable Uses of Material
I am not one to constrain the artistic freedoms of dwarves in my care. To the contrary, I feel that I've gone out of my way to accommodate the often bizarre material requests made by our crafters. That said, I need to emphasize that adamantine is a very constrained resource right now. And no matter how attractive or expensive you make it, a bracelet is absolutely not an appropriate use of our limited supplies.
Post by: Greiger on March 10, 2011, 01:03:48 pm
An adamantine table. I guess it would be nice in the baron's office. But why did you put an elf on it? I understand if it's an elf getting killed but an elf traveling?
The Captain of the Guard would like to see you about being a suspected elf sympathizer.
Sincerely,
The Administration.
Post by: Shook on March 10, 2011, 01:11:25 pm
While i fully support the notion of free movement, i can't say it was a very smart idea to go under the bridge at the exact moment it was about to close. I'd like to bury you, but you know how effective
Yours truly,
Slightly amused flying X
Post by: Darvi on March 10, 2011, 01:11:47 pm
Post by: Greiger on March 10, 2011, 02:24:20 pm
Thank you for testing my SPARTA! Pit for me while digging it out. Completely ignoring the fact that there were plenty of other places to stand than the place you were planning on making the hole.
The metalsmiths at the bottom of the pit were quite impressed how skillfully you separated into EVERY SINGLE ONE of your component parts upon hitting the ground too. Very nice. Once you are mopped up we will be throwing the orcs we caught last siege down there too.
Sincerely planning on putting 10 adamantine spikes at the bottom for the lulz,
The administration.
P.S. Soundsense made an amusing sound when you died. I giggled.
Post by: Flying Dice on March 10, 2011, 07:19:36 pm
When I order you to stay away from the danger room (you, and your four named giant war eagles and dozens of named wardogs), please effing listen. Because I don't want to have to deal with a tantrumming legendary axedwarf after you get your pets killed. So please let your squad train without needing me to lock them into the danger room.
Post by: Musashi on March 10, 2011, 07:35:05 pm
I can't blame you for doing what you do best in a fit of secretive mood. Really, I'm fine with a chrysoprase amulet. I can live with it. I did not even expect anymore anything useful.
No, what I want to know is why you named Silvermoon an artifact whose sole pictures were shining suns.
Quite the smartass, heh?
Good thing you can't pull that off again, I guess.
Your Overseer who doesn't want a 4th piece of legendary jewelery just because she's female. Where are the artifact armors and weapons?
Dear soldiers,
will you stop going out to fetch socks or some other crap while the Dodge-This traps are not done breaking every bone in the invaders' bodies?
Your Overseer who buried the two offenders in an abandoned empty vein.
Post by: Raufgar on March 10, 2011, 10:56:16 pm
To Moody Metalcrafter.
An adamantine table. I guess it would be nice in the baron's office. But why did you put an elf on it? I understand if it's an elf getting killed but an elf traveling?
The Captain of the Guard would like to see you aboutbeing a suspected elf sympathizersomething important. Meeting's at midnight, at the outdoors trade depot. Make sure to wear your spanking new wooden armor. We've just finished installing a new heating apparatus at the depot so that you won't get chilly. Won't do for our new legendary Metalcrafter to catch a cold, now would we? ;)
Sincerely,
The Administration.
Fixed that for you. ;D
Post by: arkhometha on March 10, 2011, 10:59:22 pm
Post by: Aramco on March 10, 2011, 11:15:06 pm
We've just finished installing a new heating apparatus at the depot so that you won't get chilly. Won't do for our new legendary Metalcrafter to catch a cold, now would we?
I'm sigging that. Right now.
Post by: sixsevensix on March 10, 2011, 11:21:40 pm
I don't know if you realize what area this is, but just as a reminder, we do not appreciate you parading around and organizing parties in the prison. You will only have yourself to blame if one of the goblins gets out of his cage and slaughters you and any of the others you have invited to this demented event. The goblins are pissed enough that they are caged, but now with festivities going on while they wallow in their own filth is not going to make them any happier or nicer. For the love of Armok, STOP IT.
Sincerely,
Your angry overseer.
Dear Family of the deceased,
I am sorry to say that the expedition that your loved ones embarked on less that a year ago ended in tragedy. While preparing the fortress for digging the task force encountered two violent ogress' and while one was able to kill one before death. The other members died from exhaustion after pummeling the other ogress for what seemed like an eternity without any progress.
Sincerely,
An appalled overseer.
*This seriously happened, the woodcutter managed to kill one ogress and everyone else sat there and pounded on the other ogress until they died of thirst/exhaustion. I actually felt sorry for the ogress when I checked to see the injuries. Everything was broken/bruised and she could not keep consciousness for more than a few seconds. I laughed pretty hard when the dwarfs died...*
Post by: Lagslayer on March 10, 2011, 11:25:04 pm
Dear Shem Shemmegid (were your parents smartasses too?),
I can't blame you for doing what you do best in a fit of secretive mood. Really, I'm fine with a chrysoprase amulet. I can live with it. I did not even expect anymore anything useful.
No, what I want to know is why you named Silvermoon an artifact whose sole pictures were shining suns.
Quite the smartass, heh?
Good thing you can't pull that off again, I guess.
Your Overseer who doesn't want a 4th piece of legendary jewelery just because she's female. Where are the artifact armors and weapons?
Dear soldiers,
will you stop going out to fetch socks or some other crap while the Dodge-This traps are not done breaking every bone in the invaders' bodies?
Your Overseer who buried the two offenders in an abandoned empty vein.
Shem Shemmegid obviously plays WoW. Silvermoon is the Blood Elf capital city. Also, while the Night Elves worship the moon, Blood Elves worship the sun.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on March 11, 2011, 12:06:54 am
Why won't you drink any of the booze we have? Why do you insist on thirst?
With great concern for your health,
Urist Imiknorris, Professional God
Dear "God":
(http://img.ie/53a06.png)
Urist McBlacksmith
Urist-
As you were, then.
Signed,
Your god
Post by: ivze on March 11, 2011, 05:33:37 pm
going ice fishing in spring is a bad idea, things tend to change rapidly these times. There was ice on a part of that river, and there was no ice on the other: weren't you afraid that the other part would also unfreeze? Thanks for upgrading your `Swimmer` skill...
If you weren't Expert Marksdwarf, I wouldn't bother to dig a stair down to the river.
Your caring overseer.
Post by: Musashi on March 11, 2011, 05:46:28 pm
when I talked about weapons and armors... I expected slightly more interesting than a spear made with a single lead bar and absolutely nothing else. No, really, the only thing it is good for is a fancy weapon trap in the Dodge-This®.
At the very least, you're legendary now, right?
Your Overseer who longs for a gold hammer or a steel spear
Post by: RenoFox on March 11, 2011, 06:39:44 pm
You have laid in the hospital for nearly a year, despite having all your wounds healed seasons ago. Since the hospital staff cannot find anything wrong with you, I must conclude that you have caught a yet unknown disease and are therefore to be quarantined away from the fortresses food- and watersources.
Update: The old saying "You can't fix what's not broken" has brought up a new possible treatment plan for you, and Urist McMiner has been sent to prepare you for your next set of treatments. Better luck next time around!
Sincerely,
Outsourced survival instinct of dwarfkind.
Post by: Kogut on March 12, 2011, 02:38:24 am
Quote
Outsourced survival instinct of dwarfkind.I have no idea how to say that it is great without this stupid "I like this".
Post by: myrkul on March 12, 2011, 04:54:21 am
Seconded.QuoteOutsourced survival instinct of dwarfkind.I have no idea how to say that it is great without this stupid "I like this".
Post by: Buttery_Mess on March 12, 2011, 05:30:34 pm
So, I dig out space for another cistern right next to it and start pumping the water out of the well so I can use that as my new, clean cistern. Somehow, even though nobody is injured and there's barely any blood anywhere on the map, some of my dwarves find a way to love blood pools around the pump and nowhere else, and this blood somehow finds its way into the new cistern, rendering it totally useless. Damn you fools!
Post by: billybobfred on March 12, 2011, 07:14:39 pm
RE: proper removal of downward staircases from future magma reservoirs
DON'T:
Code: [Select]
(side view)
X<<
D DO:
Code: [Select]
(side view)
DX<<Got it?
Post by: Corwyn on March 12, 2011, 07:17:40 pm
Alas I knew not your names, our time together was too brief. We trekked across the world to find a metal rich location that would be easy for friends to trade and impossible for foes to assail. You parked our wagon of provisions next to the beach, on the frozen surf. Quick action made us a ramp down the ice and up to safety to unload our goods just as the snow melted, not even the ice just yet. And as our brave miners dug stairs and began with the first chamber to house our food supply, someone broke the world.
My X of power turned into an hourglass that the sand within was black and molten solid so as it would never fill the bottom, and forced me to give you the fabled three-finger salute before oblivion took the fort.
I'd write letters of condolences, but that'd just be speculation that someone remembers your loss.
~The Administration who is hearing the call of zombies down the road to go shoot.
Post by: anon_outlaw on March 12, 2011, 08:14:07 pm
I first built a cistern in my fort to serve my excellent well. Naturally, some fool-ass dwarf falls in it as he tries to engrave part of the inside of the cistern whilst it is filling from an aquifer above, even though he could have done so from the outside, and gets blood in it.
So, I dig out space for another cistern right next to it and start pumping the water out of the well so I can use that as my new, clean cistern. Somehow, even though nobody is injured and there's barely any blood anywhere on the map, some of my dwarves find a way to love blood pools around the pump and nowhere else, and this blood somehow finds its way into the new cistern, rendering it totally useless. Damn you fools!
hate to say it but get the hacks, 'clean map' is amazingly useful for fixing stupid crap like that.
Post by: Angel Of Death on March 12, 2011, 08:33:39 pm
You slept on patrol, thus letting GOBLIN SCUM UTTERLY DESTROY THE FORTRESS!
Grrrrr....
Post by: thegoatgod_pan on March 12, 2011, 09:28:09 pm
Post by: PCpaste on March 12, 2011, 09:46:17 pm
Dear newly hired captain of the guard. You have now murdered three of the fortresses' five metal smiths. You are assigned a fucking adamantine hammer. Why then do you use your goddamn fists? And how is it a weakling, unskilled bonecarver capable of killing a man with a single punch (twice now!), and why don't you just fucking arrest them. Seriously, if there is one tweak that ever ruined a feature it was targeted shots on prone targets. Brainsmash is not exactly how justice ought to work without a hammerer!
You know that fists are better then a adamantine hammer, right? Adamantine hammers are like those inflateable plastic squeaky mallets.
Post by: MisterLich on March 12, 2011, 09:46:52 pm
I understand that it must be rough having been sent out to fight an ambush of goblins when there were more than adequate cage traps to protect the fortress, I thought you needed some real experience. I understand that it must have taken considerable fortitude to crawl your way back to the fortress hospital with a mangled lower body and arms, but I must express a concern I have with your new behavior associated with your injuries.
You see, we are in a desert. By the most gracious of blessings I was able to scrounge together some farms to produce what is now an overwhelming supply of food and booze for the fortress, more than enough to last every dwarf here a thousand life times. Being in a desert though I must remind you that water is not scarce here, it is utterly non existent except for deep underground, in a very dangerous cave system filled with very dangerous entities that have been safely tucked away by a wall between us and them. The underground lake is swarming with hostile snake men and worse.
While once content to drink yourself shitfaced every day on booze while you worked, you suddenly now want water, which is a very dangerous resource. I can't be expected to risk the entire fort's safety by hastily digging out a well from this underground cavern, it just isn't wise.
If you do not change your preferences in drink soon, then allow me to thank you for your valiant services to this fortress and I wish you a peaceful, dehydrated passing into the afterlife. I will consider the possibility of digging out a water source in the future, but for now, you're fucked.
Dearest wishes,
Urist McOverlord
Post by: arzzult on March 12, 2011, 11:01:07 pm
Dear newly hired captain of the guard. You have now murdered three of the fortresses' five metal smiths. You are assigned a fucking adamantine hammer. Why then do you use your goddamn fists? And how is it a weakling, unskilled bonecarver capable of killing a man with a single punch (twice now!), and why don't you just fucking arrest them. Seriously, if there is one tweak that ever ruined a feature it was targeted shots on prone targets. Brainsmash is not exactly how justice ought to work without a hammerer!
You know that fists are better then a adamantine hammer, right? Adamantine hammers are like those inflateable plastic squeaky mallets.
That's the point. If your captain of the guard is about to dish out some "!!JUSTICE!!" on your legendary weapon smith for failing to make a platinum scimitar or something of the like for a mandate, would you rather he use the more or less lethal option on him?
Post by: anon_outlaw on March 13, 2011, 07:20:31 am
i installed some stairs through the tunnel that fills my reservoir , now we dorfs are good with stairs, we can carve them form stone or even dirt! we can build stairs up or down form standing on stairs, an impressive feat. one would almost think that standing on stairs we could smooth the walls around us or build a wall at an adjacent position. i understand that you cant, it's ok. however why cant my miner dig out stairs below him? or above him, he can dig away form stairs, we can pull down block walls form standing on stairs so why cant i demolish the stairs without having to make another set of stairs next to them?? (something that defeats the purpose by the way)
i can go on about this but it's not really important as the water tube will be cut off form access soon anyway. i just wanted to get rid of all stairs in and out as i know that Urist McStupid tends to ignore restricted areas and i really don't feel like digging out a new reservoir because he got into the downpipe and drowned in it.
Post by: Shook on March 13, 2011, 08:32:01 am
Please don't stand on a wall/floor that's being removed. And at the same time, please don't remove a wall/floor that someone's standing on. Three dorfs have already lost their lives this way, and you're likely to be the next.
Sincerely,
Strange compulsion to dig out squares underground
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 13, 2011, 10:33:59 am
Also inform Urist McMiner that her death has permanently made sure we can not breach the aquifer, and that I will execute her as soon as she dares to stand up.So...You're executing your miner for dying?
Post by: imperium3 on March 13, 2011, 10:43:25 am
Post by: anon_outlaw on March 13, 2011, 10:47:52 am
Post by: madjoe5 on March 13, 2011, 12:00:00 pm
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 13, 2011, 03:39:14 pm
Use the nice silver picks I just made so that Urist McDraftedMechanic can make a mechanism so that someone can assemble the other silver parts into a well so that no one has to die.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold.
PS: Sorry about only embarking with only 7 drinks in what turned out to be a saltwater biome.
Post by: imperium3 on March 13, 2011, 07:46:34 pm
Having been the senior mason of Tinfound almost since its foundation, it would be hoped that you knew a little bit about construction. For one thing, attempting to construct an isolated piece of stone floor that is entirely unconnected to the bridge you are standing on, is a really stupid thing to do. Try extending the floor from solid ground like I asked you to.
Because of your stupidity, honest workers are now being diverted to collect your mangled corpse from the new spike pit, as well as your colleague who coincidentally died after a piece of floor landed on his head.
Signed,
The Management.
Post by: Ghills on March 13, 2011, 08:06:03 pm
While we have the time, I would like to discuss the difference between 'near water' and 'submerged'. 'Near water' refers to a spot of land that is somewhere within sight of some water. 'Submerged' means that the site is complete covered in water, and can no longer be reached. The site where I ordered you to build a wall was not submerged. It was simply near water. I am sure that as we sit here, waiting for the aquifer to fill the fort, we will all use some of our remaining minutes to contemplate your failure to pay attention to basic Dwarvish.
Sincerely,
Your Mayor
Post by: Hellmoob on March 13, 2011, 08:54:44 pm
Though I openly mock your skills as 'basically the equivalent of "Legendary Pants-Wearer"' at almost every opportunity, I think you should know that I'd honestly prefer it if you didn't wall yourself in an 80z pit out of petty spite, and then die of thirst just as I commence pumping in an entire cavern lake.
I kid because I love; don't take it so hard!
Sincerely,
Your affably abusive Overlord
Post by: mimmfantry on March 13, 2011, 09:23:36 pm
When I ordered you into your burrow, its because i was planning on raising the drawbridge. You had more than enough time to get all the way across it, infact you stood on the bridge for several minutes, before I ordered the bridge raised anyways. I'm upset at you not for getting smashed into less than nothing, I'm upset because you took my masterwork steel breastplate and axe with you, cause Ursit Mclegendaryweaponsmith to start punching everyone in the face.
With Great contempt,
Your overseer.
P.S. Your wife is next
Post by: Greiger on March 13, 2011, 09:59:04 pm
Ok, crap, the orcs are here early. Are you at least armed? Good, some minor miracle that was. 40 migrants and the capital can't be assed to send a single weaponsmith or armorsmith... Oh well, yer all in no quality iron, but relax I'm sure the orcs are in worse, one moment and I'll, take a look.
....Yea....well, they are in mithril and steel... But don't worry! You outnumber them! and the crossbows should do a bit of damage even with only bone bolts!
...
Note to self, get a damn leatherworker.
Ok so the crossbow users didn't fire because they have no quivers to put the bolts in...uh....good luck!
Locking myself in my room til this is over,
The Administration.
P.S. Stop trying to headshot that spearorc, Your iron ain't gunna do shit through that mithril helmet.
Post by: Fredd on March 14, 2011, 12:37:27 am
There is no reason to hide in your room. After the orcs got finished laughing at our pitifully equipped forces, they traded 3 camels, a goat, and a chicken for your wonderful management skills. We hope you like cleaning middens.
Sincerely,
Survivors of the military of Minecastle
P.S Go stock up on gloves
Post by: Baron Baconeer on March 14, 2011, 02:09:13 am
Please explain those merchants that swimming out of a fortress with pack animals is a bad idea.
Sincerely
Baron Baconeer, the verified eyeseller.
Post by: Keldane on March 14, 2011, 05:30:40 am
Thank you for guiding us safely to our destination. Not only did you successfully navigate the obscene amount of clutter left behind when our predecessors abandoned the fort after the attack of a miniaturized bronze colossus and ensuing drawbridge accident, you actually chose a safe place to park.
I do, however, have a question.
How the hell did you manage to park the wagon on the roof of a castle whose only access to the ground was a three story tall single tile stairway?
Confused but not displeased,
The Overseer.
Post by: myrkul on March 14, 2011, 09:10:08 am
How the hell did you manage to park the wagon on the roof of a castle whose only access to the ground was a three story tall single tile stairway?
Dear Overseer,
A little-known fact about Dwarven settlements is that the wagon does not actually drive from point a to point b.
It is actually dropped by a trained roc. Frankly, it's a miracle we survive at all.
Sincerely, Urist McDraftedforthisjob
Post by: Angry Bob on March 14, 2011, 10:25:57 am
Reading your thoughts, I noticed that you "enjoyed starting a fist fight recently". Now, normally, this would be fine. The engineering accident that crushed your two friends was entirely my bad, as was your son melting after playing in the forgotten beast blood. But when you say fist, I assume you meant sword, because the last fist I saw that could tear a legendary engraver's head from his body belonged to a bronze colossus. Seriously, if homicide is your first answer to every little thing that goes wrong...
YOU ARE THE BEST SWORDSDWARF A BLOODTHIRSTY OVERSEER COULD EVER ASK FOR. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
Sincerely, your Depraved Overseer.
Post by: TolyK on March 14, 2011, 10:33:05 am
Please read this article on Wikipedia. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohibition_of_death)
~Management.
Post by: ledgekindred on March 14, 2011, 10:53:16 am
I have you pastured outside because that's where the grass is. I'm working on building an underground pasture but I am still in the process of building a roof. We have walls. We have a drawbridge. So please tell me why oh why you insist on panicking like a bunch of ... animals ... whenever anything vaguely resembling an enemy comes near the fortress walls, requiring all my dwarves to drag you back into your pasture. It's a giant capybara for Armok's sake! It's virtually one of you! You don't need to run around like a bunch of maniacs.
I'd butcher every single one of you except for the milk and eggs that I get, and the fact that my hunter keeps bringing bloody enourmous Elk Bird corpses for my butchers and my storerooms are already flooded with meat that my cooks can barely keep up with.
Grow a couple more braincells, please. The magma option is looking pretty appealing.
Yrs. Sincerely
Omniscient Overseer
Post by: jaxy15 on March 14, 2011, 01:07:31 pm
You were fighting a freaking Dama Gazelle.
AND DODGED INTO A RIVER.
Jump the other way next time, you dead halfwit.
Post by: arkhometha on March 14, 2011, 01:50:52 pm
the next one to do a artifact shoe will be made a example to all dwarfs who think is nice to build useless artifact crap.
Post by: Musashi on March 14, 2011, 02:35:01 pm
Dear All My F**kin' Dwarves:Thanks, I'm gonna put it on a note at the entrance of the fort. Just because it's Legendcrypts doesn't mean you can get away with being decapitated by a prisoner.
Please read this article on Wikipedia. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohibition_of_death)
~Management.
Post by: schussel on March 14, 2011, 02:48:50 pm
yes we planned bad and the magmareservoir tapped at the top of the magmalake didnt fill for more than 2/7 .. so we built a makeshift extra miniforge to smelt and produce parts for one screrwpump to fill it from below (due to our extensive allready done construction of the smelt chamber)
yes we could have done more but since everything is valuable ore down there we made it small ...
BUT ITS NO F***KING GOOD PLAN TO TURN POSSESSED AND CLAIM THE FORGE FOR A METAL TOY THE SECOND THE OTHER CRAFTER *MATERIALS FINALLY ARRIVED DOWN THERE...
*gasp*
be happy i need your skills later on else teh militia would have allready riddled your body with bolts and threw you out into the maws of the waiting 30 tigerman that prevent us to go the charcoal way ...
we hate you!!
The Administration
Post by: Samuel on March 14, 2011, 03:10:31 pm
Dear Goblins,
We're never coming out. Go die.
-Dorfs
Post by: Qinetix on March 14, 2011, 03:13:58 pm
Post by: Samuel on March 14, 2011, 03:17:43 pm
So what ,they digged in the caverns? Bad idea , the wild life may kill them , there may be FBS and there may be clowns..
Nope. Just hiding inside until the goblins get bored and leave. Not very dwarfy, but I only have to dwarves alive right now.
Post by: Abyss, Holder of Light on March 14, 2011, 04:40:40 pm
My name is Abyss, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are lazy, alcohol-guzzling peons who spend every second of their day hauling random trinkets and drinking more alcohol. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten to legendary? I mean, I guess it's fun doing nothing when there's work to be done because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than a tantrum spiral, really..
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. The others are pretty much perfect. Captain of the guard, and our powerful militia. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn Elves"? They also get masterpiece weapons, and have an opulent bedroom (They just killed a 50-gobbo army; Shit was SO cash). You are all weaklings who should just jump in the magma sea. Thanks for listening.
Yours truly,
Your overseer.
Post by: Joshua IX on March 14, 2011, 05:10:37 pm
Come and get us you lily livered cowards, we're the richest dukedom in the dwarven civilisation and the best you can do is an ambush?
Bring on the seige!
Sincere Regards,
The Duke of Syrupcloisters
Post by: Aramco on March 14, 2011, 05:37:52 pm
Yes, I realize that the magma I 'accidentaly' pumped into your room is hot, but that doesn't mean you should open the door and kill everyone with the magma but the one person it was intended to kill.
-Your manager.
(Note to self-- lock his door next time.)
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 14, 2011, 07:04:12 pm
Mrs. Gillcraft, I understand you are "socially crippled by thoughts that everyone is watching and judging" you, and that you "dislike contracts and regulations." However, the fact that you "prefer that others handle the leadership roles" plus a minor amount of brain activity would indicate that it is a bad idea to form a grudge against the expedition leader/bookkeeper/broker/future sheriff/butcher/leatherworker and the militia commander/woodcutter. Both of them can make your life very unpleasant.
EDIT2: And when you are on break, do NOT, repeat NOT, go into the bedroom of the aforementioned expedition leader.
EDIT:
Dear Ushat Snarlingdyes:
Please do not fall asleep in the mining tunnels until you dig out a route to the surface. My bad that the way was cut off, but still...
EDIT3:
A note to all woodcutters in all universes:
You may have ranks in axedwarf. Whether or not this is so, your battleaxes are useful for more than killing trees-they kill monkies, too!
Post by: Greiger on March 14, 2011, 11:20:05 pm
You could have chosen many better targets than that one semi conscious troll to concentrate all your fire on. Perhaps that orc master bowman that was picking you off one by one through the fortifications would have been good. Or perhaps those 6 Maceorcs on giant bats that were flying over the wall to get to you. But no you decided to continue shooting at the damn crippled troll, even when you yourselves were filled with arrows and getting your skulls bashed in with maces.
The lancer squad rushed as quickly as they could to bail your tails outta the fire, but unfortunately failed as after the lancers killed the last maceorc, and the orc bowman used his last arrow, they saw that you were all slaughtered to the man.
So I guess this letter is addressed to the 2 lazy bums in the squad who spent the entire siege asleep and managed to live the bloody slaughter just by virtue of being in the wrong place at the right time... Congratulations on your promotion to number 1 and 2 in the crossbow squad. Here have the high quality armor. Don't mind the blood and dents.
Don't make the same mistake your predecessors did.
The (replacement) Administration
Post by: CinnibarMan on March 14, 2011, 11:32:04 pm
What the hell is with you and that human who trained giant capybaras? I mean really, nine out of ten statues that you sculpt are of that one guy!
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Post by: warwizard on March 14, 2011, 11:48:02 pm
When your Glorious Leader designates that a wall should be built at the fort entrance and every one of you have masonry skill enabled, *somebody* should go build that wall before the Ettin gets in. It's a good thing that Comerade Daton managed to kill it or we could all be dead now.
Sincerely,
Glorious Leader
Post by: UristMcDwarf on March 15, 2011, 06:32:03 am
QQ SOME MORE
Post by: Naryar on March 15, 2011, 10:54:18 am
You have been promoted to nobility by our mountainhomes. Good. You have proven your worth by being a legendary miner, and making an artifact. Good.
Then you asked for rose gold items and a quality room. I thought, alright.
The forteress has spent months trying to giving you a convenient room. Seemingly you are satisfied and look like one of our happiest dwarves, despite having complained of a lesser sleeping arrangements while you sleep on an ARTIFACT NATIVE GOLD BED. You also have a gold table and chair, two gold statues, an iron armor stand and weapon rack, two gold chests, a gold cabinet, and a gold sarcophagus.
You asked for a decent office, you have a throne room. You asked for decent quarters, you have a royal bedroom. You asked for a decent dining room, you have a great one. You asked for a tomb, you have a mausoleum. You have enough cabinets, chests and armor stands as you asked. Your rose gold item mandate has been delivered on time.
The fortress would like to know why you have been on break for a half season, and why you have not performed any of your regular work, like management, stone detailing, mining or architecture.
We have been sent on this forbidding place to build a monument to Armok. It would not be wise to incur his wrath by not fulfilling your duties. Who knows, an unfortunate accident would be quick to happen if Armok is angry... and your duties would be transfered to someone else.
Sincerely
-Your worried fortress.
Post by: jaxy15 on March 15, 2011, 12:12:15 pm
Please, next time try running from dragon raptors.
You were being strangled.
Had my squad not showed up, you would have been killed.
Please be more careful next time.
Sincerely,
an overseer.
Post by: Kogut on March 15, 2011, 02:43:14 pm
"You were being strangled."
I noticed it and moreover it affected may ability to move. I really tried (and failed) to run away.
Sincerely,
an Armok blessed McArmorer.
Post by: Everlund on March 16, 2011, 11:32:25 am
I understand your yearning for appreciation and aknowledgement, but do you think it practical to kill 9 of your fortress comrades with your bare hands, including the mayor and his replacement, in order to earn a damn name?
Post by: Ze Spy on March 16, 2011, 11:55:37 am
Thank you for rage quitting and going berzerk during the middle of a siege, you murdered the entire goblin army and the entire Dwarf Militia
Blah blah blah
Overmind
Post by: DryBones on March 16, 2011, 12:09:41 pm
First of all I would like to commend you on your years of service in our glorious military. Every single one of our speardorfs owe you their lives due to the extensive training you put them through in the early ears of our fort. I know the military is your life, and that you have dreams and aspiriations for your children to become as great a warrior as you are some day.
However.
The danger room is named such for a reason. It is DANGEROUS. Bringing both your pet kitten and your baby in to train with you may have seemed like a good idea, but it really wasn't. I don't feel the need to go into detail as to what happened later. While this is a tragedy and I feel for you (I really do) your decision to put the legendary armorsmith's face through the back of her head is what I have an issue with.
Since you love danger rooms so much I have taken the initiative to build one in your private quarters, to cheer you up. However, due to the fortress wide shortage of wood we have installed steel "training" spears in it instead. I assume you will enjoy the extra challenge.
Sincerely Yours,
The new Mayor
P.S. You may be unfamiliar with me and wondering why I am writing to you instead of the old mayor. Well, it seems having a rib jammed though his heart by you triggered a fatal allergic reaction.
Post by: myrkul on March 16, 2011, 12:11:25 pm
P.S. You may be unfamiliar with me and wondering why I am writing to you instead of the old mayor. Well, it seems having a rib jammed though his heart by you triggered a fatal allergic reaction.
*snerk*
Post by: ivze on March 16, 2011, 03:17:11 pm
could you please be a bit more creative? :D The goblin is nearly dead.
Your laughing overseer.
Code: [Select]
The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! █
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x2█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! █
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x2█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x3█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x3█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her
Post by: Baron Baconeer on March 16, 2011, 03:55:04 pm
The bone doctor gave me a task to see how exactly do goblin skulls work under pressure.
With best regards
Urist Mc
Post by: Wolock on March 16, 2011, 08:08:30 pm
After reviewing your case we are proud to promote you as the first Chief Medical Dwarf of Paintinked on a simple condition :
Keep your deity for yourself.
We appreciate your dedication to your god but talking about a rotting female dwarf associated with lakes, oceans, death and blight might not be the best thing for your future patient.
Sincerely,
The management
Post by: TerryDactyl on March 16, 2011, 09:10:46 pm
You are hereby sentenced to life imprisonment for the heinous crime of encrusting whatever trinket you happened across last week. As the jail is currently... reserved for other uses... you will be relegated to the treasury. I assure you you will be well taken care of, though I am afraid we can only provide you a single toy hammer with which to entertain yourself.
Yours,
The Overseer
Post by: Root Infinity on March 16, 2011, 10:26:22 pm
Digging out the support before the other side is not cool
Especially when it is OVER THE ENTIRE FORT AND FLOODS THE ENTIRE OCEAN INTO IT
But what REALLY isn't cool is when you then complain because you couldn't find a bed
You doomed my fort, and you have the guts to want a BED?
Yours,
The Ministry of Peace
Post by: Bdthemag on March 16, 2011, 10:48:14 pm
If I set your orders to build a drawbridge at the entrance to our new fort, I expect you do it.
Taking the occasional break every once in awhile is fine, but you've been taking this rather long break for a couple months now.
Luckily for the fort though we have hired a new immigrant to work as the Head Mechanic.
Since you have done so much hard work for the fort, we have assigned you a new room.
The room is marked by the sign "MAGMA ROOM A". We hope you enjoy your new quarters.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Greiger on March 16, 2011, 10:57:21 pm
Clearly you want something. There's no other reason why after I made no secret of my difficulties with elite archer-orcs vs my military you would have 2 squads emerge from ambush near a master bow-orc AND a squad of lower skill crossbow orcs.
Your skill in emptying their quivers is just as amazing against them as against my own defenses, and after slaughtering your squads the elite orc only had 2 bolts remaining in their quiver to send my way. And they happily dodged into the spiky death pit after avoiding a copper serrated disk, and suffocated from a condition my doctors call "Copper-Spike-in-Lung".
But I'm sure you aren't doing this out of the kindness of your easy to perforate hearts. Would you like some raw adamantine? We found some and head office says we aren't to actually use any. Something about a no-adamantine challenge. I can have a stockpile of the stuff placed outside the front gate to be collected at your leisure. We would destroy you even if you were wearing the stuff after all, so what's the harm?
I would also consider giving you some children, they are whiny little bastards, but our females don't really want to lay any eggs without nest boxes around. And I really don't wanna deal with the hassle of micromanaging that crap. So unfortunately we have no children here. The only migrant child grew to adulthood last year. Feel free to take one of the puppy on a rope defenses though if you really need to adopt a child of some kind.
You helped me, and where I come from that means I help you. Perhaps we can come to some kind of agreement against our mutual enemy the Orcs.
Sincerely,
The Administration of Minecastle
P.S. Just in-case you don't feel like making peace I had this letter covered in forgotten beast extract. We don't know exactly what this one in particular does yet, so please respond with the results.
Post by: Aramco on March 16, 2011, 11:00:54 pm
but our females don't really want to lay any eggs without nest boxes around.
Did... did you mod Dwarves to lay eggs? That is awesome.
Post by: Keldane on March 16, 2011, 11:33:10 pm
but our females don't really want to lay any eggs without nest boxes around.
Did... did you mod Dwarves to lay eggs? That is awesome.
Actually, I'm pretty sure he modded in a race of half-dragons, based on what I've read around the board.
Post by: Taeraresh on March 17, 2011, 04:29:35 am
Dear Urist McHotstuff,
Booze does not function very well as a fire suppressant. You might want to try th
*BOOM*
...
Dear everyone else,
Please refrain from trying to drink booze that is on fir
Your settlement has crumbled to its end.
(not that it would have mattered, the fire got to my food stockpiles too)
Sounds like you somehow got a fort full of tech-support dwarves. (http://acgpix.50megs.com/nile/drink.html) If they were all named Bob, that'd probably confirm things.
Post by: Deus Machina on March 17, 2011, 04:05:34 pm
Yes, that blind cave troll is terrifying. I know.
But when I tell you to kill it, I want you do cut it off at the pass and actually use your crossbows, not chase it--and be chased--all around the landscape like a Benny Hill skit. It would occasionally even turn around and punch one of you in the face. We lost four of the seven in that manner.
I do admit it was impressive the way it burst the through front gates just as the new immigrants were arriving, making them dive for cover. But you let it wander off, rather than kill it.
Consider yourself on remedial training until further notice.
Dear Urist McNewMiner,
Sorry about your greeting to the fortress, what with the cave troll and all, but thanks for being the first immigrant to get right to work.
Also, I must commend you on the way that--while the military was still chasing their target troll around--a second came up the stairs beside where you were digging more, and you casually put a copper pick through its brain. One blow, no dodging, and right back to work. Didn't even miss a beat.
I'm having the engravers working on the first bedroom on the nobles' floor just for you.
-The overseer, personally delivering a barrel of sewer brew to your room.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 17, 2011, 04:27:16 pm
I know you see the nice, new, empty barrel. You also see the plump helmets.
The plump helmets are going to be turned into wine so that you don't all die of thirst. Don't fill up the barrels!
EDIT:
Oh, and don't then cook it all into some roasts and fill the barrels with...seeds, maybe? Morons.
Post by: Edward_Tohr on March 17, 2011, 05:21:16 pm
I understand your desire to add some excitement to your dull existences. I really do.
However, I would appreciate it if you would stop possessing my dwarves. Of the
If you can't stop doing that, could you at least let the poor dwarves remember what they were doing? I have enough of a shortage of skilled artisans as it is.
Regards:
Overseer.
Dear Armok:
If You, in Your eternal wisdom, should decide to make malevolent possessor spirits able to be destroyed by Magma, I shall, myself, build a massive statue in Your honor.
Post by: Terrahex on March 17, 2011, 07:39:00 pm
first I'd like to commend all the hard work that some of you have been doing in this new location. I know you guys are aware that two of my other friends are building on that exact same location in seperate dimensions to prove that they're better than me. one of them has been taken out already by digging too greedily and while I admit his avarice has given us less to worry about, there is still that other friend over there happily swinging his pick hoping to get lucky. I do not appreciate how you have lately been running the guild. I have seven miners, but only four are digging at any given moment.
furthermore, everytime you guys start working, you all decide to switch location, which would be acceptable and understandable if all of you didn't move at once. going from the bottom of our cubbyhole to the surface and back down repetively eats up valuable work time. you could at least leave one miner to dig out that spot while you other guys start digging up above. all of you don't need to be in the same place.
if thiss continues, I'm afraid I'm going to have to start assigning workstations which you will absolutely not be allowed to leave, even if you are dying of thirst or starvation. please note that I also won't care if you callapse to the ground in exhastion. and if you start tantrumming, I'll have the military on you so fast it'll make your pick break, becuase unlike you they know how to do their job.
oh yeah, and Urist McTrapped is still stuck in that pit. anytime you want to start digging him out would be good.
-Terrahex
Post by: Shogger on March 17, 2011, 08:53:28 pm
Please plant those longland grass seeds. It only takes a second. It's not like you guys are doing much else anyway, might as well plant them.
I know you guys love your alcohol, so I would get on it if I were you. The water's frozen for most of the year, and nobody likes dying of thirst.
Sincerely,
The management.
Post by: Hammerstar on March 17, 2011, 09:48:03 pm
When you haul one of the bins of crafts to the trade depot yourself, you should simply stay until the trading is complete, instead of immediately turning around to go back to the kitchen for a beer, and then going for a nap. Please have a stronger work ethic in the future, otherwise, the alligators in the entrance hall drop are always hungry...
Your Not-Thirsty Overseer
Post by: Urist McTaverish on March 18, 2011, 02:59:31 am
Please, PLEASE stop hauling those bones and diagnose the fighters in YOUR hospital. I turned off all other jobs for you, I even FORBID EVERYTHING and yet you still insist on dumping bones in the quantum stockpile. DO YOUR JOB or there will be magma in your future.
Your Loving Comrade What Lurks In the Dark.
Post by: Lielac on March 18, 2011, 06:19:31 am
You see those puppies swarming about the puppy cage? You know, the puppy cage like five squares away from where you're gabbing with your friends? Yeah, put the puppies in the cage. Like, NOW. Or I will breach that damn river in your FACE.
Dear puppies,
Hurry the hell up with that whole growing up thing, I need more dogs to train for war.
Dear migrant who brought the cat,
THANK YOU for bringing a male cat. You may yet survive the cullings. Maybe.
Love,
Your Overlady
Post by: ledgekindred on March 18, 2011, 09:27:34 am
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta be down in ther caverns killin them troggodypes what keeps comin up the stairs and usin up yer valuboble cages what could be used fer catchin filthy stinkin gobbos. An' we'd be happy to do it fer yer. On'y yer gotta put us on duty. Yer forgot ta set us up a trainin schedule fer like ta be a year, so 'o course we're havin a bit 'o drink and hangin about the meeting area (which is loverly we all agree) waitin fer ya ta tell us what we're s'posed ta be doin. An' now yer got some twenty cages worth 'o trogs what're a prob'm on accounts 'o they like ta run off when yer try ta pit 'em into the barracks.
An' looksee, when yer remembered'a put us on duty, we went right on down'ta our assigned posts where we been havin a larf plinkin away at them pathetic trogs what takes on'y an couple bolts ta ther face an' they starts all twitchin and runnin about. We can't hardly shoot straight on account 'o larfin so much.
A Friendly Reminder From Yer Helpful Mil'tary On Accounts 'o Wantin Ta Be Learnin Ta Be
Post by: schussel on March 18, 2011, 09:36:49 am
Dear Benev'lent Overseer
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta be down in ther caverns killin them troggodypes what keeps comin up the stairs and usin up yer valuboble cages what could be used fer catchin filthy stinkin gobbos. An' we'd be happy to do it fer yer. On'y yer gotta put us on duty. Yer forgot ta set us up a trainin schedule fer like ta be a year, so 'o course we're havin a bit 'o drink and hangin about the meeting area (which is loverly we all agree) waitin fer ya ta tell us what we're s'posed ta be doin. An' now yer got some twenty cages worth 'o trogs what're a prob'm on accounts 'o they like ta run off when yer try ta pit 'em into the barracks.
An' looksee, when yer remembered'a put us on duty, we went right on down'ta our assigned posts where we been havin a larf plinkin away at them pathetic trogs what takes on'y an couple bolts ta ther face an' they starts all twitchin and runnin about. We can't hardly shoot straight on account 'o larfin so much.
A Friendly Reminder From Yer Helpful Mil'tary On Accounts 'o Wantin Ta Be Learnin Ta BeVisousVishesVishcsoseBadarse Fightin Machines
damn.. thanks to you my boss knows of my dwarf hobby since i chuckled madly to this one :)
Post by: Hammerstar on March 18, 2011, 03:24:55 pm
Job well done on your first assignment, dealing with the mad fisherdwarf rampaging through the workshops. Keep it up and you'll be fighting alongside Lutas Worldcleave and his legendary Bristling Horrors to defend our fortress from the real dangers on the outside, and the depths, in no time. You'll remember the engravings around the fortress depicting Lutas and his squad's victories over countless goblins, trolls, and the giant frog with wings from the lower mines, as well as the masterwork of Lutas personally delivering the final blow to sever the bronze collossus' head and prevent it from entering the fortress. In time, perhaps you too will decorate the fortress in such a manner.
My condolences to the member of your squad who was married to Urist McInsaneFisherdwarf. I realize you were already distraught over his insanity, and seeing him hacked up in front of you while being ordered to help couldn't have helped. Apologies, ma'am, but you must understand that it was for the good of the fortress as a whole before he seriously hurt someone.
Which brings me to the point of this message: you were told to kill him, not hack off his arms and legs and stomp his head into the floor in the middle of the clothier's workshop. Cleaning blood off stone is easy, but getting it out of cave spider silk is much more difficult, not to mention the children who saw the act have been having nightmares ever since. A repeat of this debacle will see you on permanent glacier duty. Maybe the yetis will be more understanding.
Your Overseer
Post by: Lielac on March 18, 2011, 08:41:29 pm
WHY IN THE NAME OF ARMOK DID YOU BRING NOTHING BUT FOOD AND BOOZE AND MOSTLY FOOD?!
No love,
The Pagetruths Overlady
P.S.: Thank you for not bringing cloth. Still, I HAVE ENOUGH FOOD, DAMNIT.
Post by: Peewee on March 18, 2011, 10:01:21 pm
Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Post by: Bdthemag on March 18, 2011, 10:52:48 pm
Real dwarves have accents even when they don't have to.Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Post by: Hammerstar on March 19, 2011, 12:07:18 am
I know how it is, being nervous before your first real taste of combat. However, I do not think I should have to explain the stupidity of leaving your squad, who had been ordered to wait by the bridge, FYI, to charge headlong into the goblins, in the narrow hallways designed specifically to funnel invaders into the Hell Blender of saw blades waiting for them. And if they somehow made it through, you would have dropped the bridge from underneath them, sending them to their deaths in the menacing spikes below. I don't care about your explanation of a "battle trance," it doesn't change the fact you got your arse kicked.
In this narrow hallway, you're damn lucky Lutas Worldcleave and his squad were able to save you, considering fighting in such cramped conditions is difficult for a group, and you're even luckier that you didn't get caught in one of the traps yourself when you passed out after the goblins broke your leg. Meanwhile, you were barely able to injure even one of them, giving him a small cut on the toe. Great job, soldier.
Consider yourself extremely fortunate that your injuries are limited to one broken leg and one broken arm, and you will recover. Understand that you're being shifted to a new squad, that won't be going anywhere near the frontlines in such an operation again, nor given such an important role as the one you bungled. Your task will be to guard the demon pit, where our Succubi swarm and Incubi bulls live, and you will be taking your orders from the Incubi, since they've already proven to be better fighters than you.
Your extremely disappointed Militia Commander
Post by: Hakar on March 19, 2011, 10:29:13 am
It would appear that you have fallen several levels into the river next to our fortress, after a routine removal of a single tile of stone proved too much for your legendary mining skill. Although you seem to have survived this fall, rest assured that none of the other inhabitants of Equalbronze feel inclined to rescue you, on account of you being a whiny, tantrum-throwing bitch.
To be honest, even I found that your constant foul mood after being promoted to baroness was getting on my nerves, despite the huge rooms with golden furniture you have been given. You should feel lucky that your tomb has just been finished, and the engravers even have a little room left on the walls to immortalize this situation.
Hoping to see carp eat the flesh from your broken bones soon,
The Overseer.
Post by: Indricotherium on March 19, 2011, 03:04:08 pm
Transcribin' accents be what sets dwarfs apart from th' gobbo's me laddy! Har har! Thet an' th' beards o'course.Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Post by: TolyK on March 19, 2011, 03:50:07 pm
It has come to my attention that you swam across our goblin running-water trap.
I remember I had locked the gate, but somehow you decided to jump off the platform into the river.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
P.S. Thanks for testing that trap, now the 2 camels that were chasing you fell down the waterfall. Thank you very much for reminding us to remove those grates that were designed for scenery and waterfall-watching :-X
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on March 19, 2011, 04:19:08 pm
But accent 're t' be r'spected and liked! (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FunetikAksent)Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on March 19, 2011, 04:22:55 pm
Post by: Funburns on March 20, 2011, 02:30:19 am
While I'm intrigued by the recent discussion of eye dialects being used to convey the thoughts of our comrades, I have recently been troubled by some implications of this practice entering the lore-books of our community. In order to properly address this issue, I've decided to pull out some artifact pamphlets written by other members of our esteemed circle, who were writing in a somewhat different context at the time (I believe they were analyzing the ethics of transcribing human works).
Found in that TVTropes article (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FunetikAksent) which I pulled from the shelves at roughly 11:50 pm Pacific time on March 19th, 2011:
Quote
Most importantly, though, it assumes that there is single "correct" way to speak English, which is certainly not true.
[...]
Also, since standard English is not spelled phonetically, a Funetik Aksent can be used to give the impression of an uneducated speaker even when the pronunciation is perfectly standard (as with the name of this trope).
[...]
Conversely, some readers will read such implications into texts written in a form of Funetik Aksent regardless of whether the author actually intended them or not. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DeathOfTheAuthor)
[...]
The Funetik Aksent is often used to imply that the accented characters are less educated, less intelligent, or less literate than the reader or the protagonist. A classic example of this is Gone With The Wind, where the black slaves' and poor whites' accents are given phonetically but the white owners' accent (which is every bit as thick) isn't. The implication is that the slaveowners' language is proper English while the slaves and poor whites just aren't smart enough to speak properly.
These points suggest using an eye dialect for any reason separates the writer from not just the character, but whatever social category the characters can be read as intended representations of. The most pertinent tome for this topic, Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Eye_dialect&oldid=418640985), has some writing directly on this point, and citations for it as well. This separation appears especially likely to create a sense of distance (WikiP: "a sympathetic sense of superiority") above the social category which the writer imagines the subject occupies and the reader doesn't.
While it is true that Dwarf Fortress's dwarves aren't real, do we really want to keep training ourselves to consider accents, and by extension the speakers of those accents, inferior? I would guess this is based on a cultural trend to view eye dialects as funny, perhaps because we imagine the speaker is making a mistake that the reader, with their "correct" accent, would never make. Is it a mistake to having an accent of otherwise correct Dwarven (English) different from one's own?
...
Anyways. I'm also frustrated with my comrades for not telling me they began running low on booze while I was micromanaging some defenses. "Cancels action: Give Water" is not an acceptable way to learn that the brewery has been out of commission for months, especially not when it's the dead of winter. At least it didn't cause any deaths this time. I can forgive them.
Post by: Lielac on March 20, 2011, 02:34:58 am
Yes. I understand you were taken by a few mood. Yes. I appreciate that you found everything you required.
BUT.
You had a perfectly good workshop! Why did you go to the one closest to the entrance?
Post by: Doradan on March 20, 2011, 02:30:03 pm
It has come to my attention that dispite the fact that the mountainhomes, in there effort to allocate an armory outpost outside the reach of goblins, placed us above abundant iron deposits to produce arms and armor for the war effort, you still mandate the creation of gold items. We do not use (and indeed, have no intention of using) resources to trade for anything but the valuable resources needed for the fort's survival (such as wood). You have an Artifact Milky Quartz Weaponrack in your quarters. Be happy with that.
Former Expedition Leader and Current Manager, 'Megaminer' McUrist
Post by: malroth on March 20, 2011, 03:39:00 pm
I'm the mayor now so what I say goes. By the way I also demand that 10 Of our steel bars be made into spears of the highest quality in order to be placed into a spike trap in order to decorate my room. A High quality lever connected to said spike trap forbidden to all dwarves except me in an adjacent square is also needed. However under no circumstances are orders to pull said lever to be issued under any circu.... OOOH a shiny lever with a pull order I wonder what it does?
Signed The mayor
Post by: Lagslayer on March 20, 2011, 03:55:54 pm
Chipmunk leather is indeed a fantastic material; tough, yet soft and luxurious. However, such a fabulous material is scarce at our fortress. You must understand that it is inappropriate to levy punishments upon your fellow dwarves for not having this material on hand to meet your mandates. If at some point anyone decides to carry through on these punishments, I will be holding you personally responsible. If the punished dwarf is imprisoned for any amount of time, you will spend an equal amount of time in solitary confinement, deprived of food and drink. If the punished dwarf is killed, you will receive 10 days in the magma pool for each level in useful skills he has.
signed, Your Stern But Fair Overseer
Post by: Sutremaine on March 20, 2011, 09:02:57 pm
I would guess this is based on a cultural trend to view eye dialects as funny, perhaps because we imagine the speaker is making a mistake that the reader, with their "correct" accent, would never make.I like to use lolspeak, internet slang, and capslock when the situation calls for some verbal slapstick. 'Course, if I did that for more than a couple of sentences, quite a lot of the people here would think of Homestuck instead.
Post by: Sarvesh Mossbeard on March 20, 2011, 10:46:19 pm
Post by: Sutremaine on March 20, 2011, 11:52:37 pm
If you'd have told me there was a siege coming I wouldn't have been asleep. I can't stay awake all the time just on the off-chance that the gobbos come knocking.
-Urist.
Post by: strongrudder on March 20, 2011, 11:59:44 pm
While it is true that Dwarf Fortress's dwarves aren't real, do we really want to keep training ourselves to consider accents, and by extension the speakers of those accents, inferior? I would guess this is based on a cultural trend to view eye dialects as funny, perhaps because we imagine the speaker is making a mistake that the reader, with their "correct" accent, would never make. Is it a mistake to having an accent of otherwise correct Dwarven (English) different from one's own?
I've never thought of it that way.
I like phonetic accents because I like accents in general, and there's something about having it written out that helps me hear it in my head. It gives the speech a bit more character, when applicable. It's not about the other person speaking my language "wrong," it's just about translating a quality of speech to a soundless medium. I can understand how someone with the accent in question could see it as a ridiculous (and perhaps offensive) caricature, though.
I also think there are better things to get offended about, but what'cha gonna do.
Post by: Sutremaine on March 21, 2011, 12:30:59 am
I like phonetic accents because I like accents in general, and there's something about having it written out that helps me hear it in my head.What about when it's your accent?
Post by: schussel on March 21, 2011, 01:01:03 am
I like phonetic accents because I like accents in general, and there's something about having it written out that helps me hear it in my head.What about when it's your accent?
:> i am saxonian german ... may i add my accent in? *think of Col. Klink of Hogan's Heroes :P
btw what is it with people letting the dwarfes sound like the Nac Mac Feegle People (Wee Free Men) from Discworld :) or are our dwarfs scottish? :)
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on March 21, 2011, 01:02:34 am
Post by: schussel on March 21, 2011, 01:27:06 am
But it makes sense i gotta admit :P
*jumps off the derail*
baegg zo ze tobbigg nau(hard to saechsel in english ;D)
Post by: ledgekindred on March 21, 2011, 09:38:17 am
Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Transcribe my wha' now?
While it is true that Dwarf Fortress's dwarves aren't real, do we really want to keep training ourselves to consider accents, and by extension the speakers of those accents, inferior?
Ye best not be callin me inferior or I'll be takin me axe te yer kneecaps...
---
Every dwarf sounds like something between Scottish in my head, with some Glaswegan thrown in for fun. So yeah, pretty much like the Nac Mac Feegle. That's because all dwarves are the same (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OurDwarvesAreAllTheSame), even when they are busy dropping themselves into the pit they are digging or running out into the middle of a siege to grab a shiny new sock.
---
Dear Dragon,
I'm sorry that my fortress' defenses have been too good and you haven't had the chance to flame anyone lately. I've tried to give you the occasional "practice" goblin, and, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, I was a little taken aback at how you set my entire front yard on fire.
I also apologise to the dwarf to whom I mistakenly gave the order to post the goblin in your pasture without realizing sir dragon would go berserk and send out a gout of fire halfway across the front lawn, thereby incinerating both the goblin and yourself. Your friends and family have been well-provided for and this Overseer has learned a lesson about the range and, erm, "incinerative properties" of dragonfire.
Unusually Apologetic,
Your Omniscient Overlord
Post by: Sutremaine on March 21, 2011, 09:53:15 am
(hard to saechsel in english ;D)Cornish (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzmkQKaSEso)? Voices start at about a minute in.
Post by: schussel on March 21, 2011, 02:12:22 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDRhwkIo0ao&feature=related
i found he doesnt saechsel at all in the english versions^^
Post by: Pukako on March 21, 2011, 06:42:01 pm
Yes, I know you're not named Urist. However, when you were on the wall, building, and the goblin archers started shooting at you, you did well running for the only set of stairs down and safety. Having reached the final straight, why did you turn around and run back towards the goblins?
I may bury you, or I may throw your rotten corpse on the refuse pile to show what stupidity earns.
The Overseer.
Post by: kaenneth on March 21, 2011, 07:20:05 pm
Generally dwarves are seen as Scottish vikings. Ours just resemble the viking part a bit more than usual.
Now I'm thinking of Sean Connery.
Played an English spy, a Spanish immortal, a Space sherriff, a Danish prince, a Greek king, a Russian submarine captain, and a Dragon, all with Scottish accents.
Urist, Urist McDwarf.
Post by: anon_outlaw on March 21, 2011, 08:05:56 pm
could you please stop derailing this thread? it's been going for some 83 pages and your weird obsession is threatening the entire thread. so please stop it, i don't want to have to call 3toe the hammer admin in here because we all know he loves using his ban hammer way to much and if he goes postal on everyone who has ever posted in an 83 page thread? well that would easily be half the active accounts on the site. please shut up about what the dwarves are meant to sound like? if you really need to discuss this then start your own thread.
sencirly, Urist McDosn'tGiveA@*$#AboutAccents.
Post by: Hammerstar on March 21, 2011, 09:08:26 pm
While we appreciate your early decision to go into a mood and craft an artifact, as well as advance your skills to craft masterpieces with regularity, we cannot fathom what you were thinking. Quite frankly, what the hell are we supposed to do with an artifact barrel decorated with lizard bone spikes, and a carving of a troll tearing off a human's head? At the moment, it's sitting in the food stockpile, full of cheese, and that's where it's going to stay for now.
Get back to making beds and bins, you crazy asshole.
Your baffled Overseer
Post by: Tcei on March 21, 2011, 10:32:05 pm
FUCK YOU.
I understand you had to wait while I set up the butchers to get you the bone you needed for your crappy craft item, but did you really have to go and grab a piece of magnetite and a platinum nugget right after? We both know you are going to just atomsmash them while trying to figure out how to put them on a completely boring donkey bone ring.
Hope you dont mind starving to death.
Sincerely the management.
Edit: Interesting. It seems if you forbid the non-bone items after the begun construction message they dont get used and the dwarf doesnt go mad. you still get a lame descriptionless artifact tho :( But at least you get to keep the useful materials.
Post by: Peewee on March 22, 2011, 02:02:33 am
Never mind. [/accent discussion]Transcribe my wha' now?Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Post by: strongrudder on March 22, 2011, 03:13:27 am
Spoiler: reply to Sutremaine re: accents (click to show/hide)
Dear Dwarves of Towerjoy:
Thank you for your cooperation in taking positions so quickly at the outdoor Dwarf Washer burrow. This post-seige rain ritual may be a nuisance, but it allows for divine forces to remove the blood/vomit/pus sludge from our grand home. While you're at it, shoot a quick prayer to Lam for these regular rains that allow us to forget seiges and our gangrenous brethren so quickly.
Yours,
The Management.
Post by: billybobfred on March 24, 2011, 02:17:48 pm
re: Hunting
Your job is to hunt large animals so the fort does not starve.
Don't interrupt that to hunt small animals so you don't starve.
It's just silly.
Post by: Boes on March 26, 2011, 09:25:59 pm
68 dead, 2 throwing a fit..
I think this site is cursed.. this the second reclaim.. the first one died when a piece of the cavern collapsed onto my dwarves just as i unpaused. No time or warning to do anything about it..
Post by: krenshala on March 26, 2011, 10:53:38 pm
Dear Urist McChild,If you are running .22 you would have gotten the extra bells and whistles spikes and hanging rings. Of course, that might require starting from scratch, which can be annoying, so I understand if thats why you didn't. :)
FUCK YOU.
I understand you had to wait while I set up the butchers to get you the bone you needed for your crappy craft item, but did you really have to go and grab a piece of magnetite and a platinum nugget right after? We both know you are going to just atomsmash them while trying to figure out how to put them on a completely boring donkey bone ring.
Hope you dont mind starving to death.
Sincerely the management.
Edit: Interesting. It seems if you forbid the non-bone items after the begun construction message they dont get used and the dwarf doesnt go mad. you still get a lame descriptionless artifact tho :( But at least you get to keep the useful materials.
Post by: Nyxalinth on March 27, 2011, 11:16:46 pm
seriously, it took ALL 16 bones from a baby yak to make that ring? Are you sure it isn't a Hula Hoop? Whatever, you're legendary now at least. Just next time, please make something useful.
The Management
Post by: dieffenbachj on March 27, 2011, 11:42:06 pm
While I do sincerely appreciate the frequent, massive jumps in my fortress's wealth due to your bi-yearly possessions of my minions, I would kindly request that you cease creating artifacts which only depict the dragon Lusnub Brandpearls the Glow of Heat burning elves alive.
It's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment! The statues and clothing you have provided us depicting these wonderful and hilarious events is surely appreciated! However, I wouldn't mind artifacts depicting something else once in a while. Perhaps a nice statue depicting the dwarven slaughter of Thudel the Vice of Soaking, the forgotten beast whom my dwarves cleverly killed by swarming it with sheer numbers and goblinite weaponry? That would surely make a rousing decoration for our item hall!
The final note is more of a humble request. That is, please take a break from possessing my dwarves. Give us a chance to enjoy a fey mood once in a while instead of mere possession; our lack of legendary anything but miners is an embarrassment to our fort, and unfortunately the blame falls squarely on your non-corporeal shoulders. And don't try to act like it's not you every time you possess my dwarves; your style and, particularly, TOPIC (the aforementioned dragon eating elves) is well known to me.
Thank you for your time. Please feel free to relax, spend some time in our lovely dining room, and enjoy our goblin catapulting competitions. The next time you possess my dwarves trying to sculpt a dragon sock made of clay or something, I'm going to put that dwarf under an atom smasher; let's see you escape from that.
-The Management
Post by: dieffenbachj on March 27, 2011, 11:43:51 pm
Post by: jaxy15 on March 30, 2011, 03:16:08 pm
Please, when you dump a goblin in the execution pit, dump him legs-first.
It is better to see him get killed by the bear and giant scorpion rather than a simple bump to the head.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 31, 2011, 05:29:06 pm
Butcher the rotten corpse without complaining or don't dawdle so much in constructing the butcher's shop (finally) and butchering the beachfall. Ugh.
Post by: Burritango on March 31, 2011, 05:39:55 pm
You've just killed your own wife.
-Puppeteer
Post by: Boes on April 01, 2011, 03:40:05 am
Dear Urist McLoyal.
You've just killed your own wife.
-Puppeteer
Well Perhaps she had it coming... I know i've been tempted a few times... ;D
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 01, 2011, 07:32:01 am
I would actually be more interested in seeing a Brit or Australian trying to transcribe an American accent. I feel like I'm transcribing my (lack of an) accent right now, even though an Englishman or someSpoiler: reply to Sutremaine re: accents (click to show/hide)
Dear Urist McCarpenter,
Please do not go on break. We need you to build those floors and walls and such.
Dear Urist McFisher,
Please do not go on break. We need you to build those floors and walls and such since the normal carpenter is on break. You're the only one left who does nothing useful and is not on break.
P.S. If you get relieved from carpentry duty, and start to fish, actually catch something. There has been nonstop fish or whales in the ocean since a few days after we arrived.
Post by: Shook on April 01, 2011, 11:11:38 am
Waddling around the edges of a deep pit isn't very smart to begin with, but what on Earth (or whatever planet you live on) made you do it while water was flowing into it? You're lucky that i dug away a wall down there so you could get up, though i mainly did it for the elf loot. Don't count on getting dug out if you fall in without accompanying loot, though there is a slight chance that i might be nice enough to do it regardless.
With utmost sincerity,
Human McPlayer
Post by: TolyK on April 02, 2011, 04:10:04 am
Don't come near me with that fist of yours.
~The overseer.
P.S. 15 kills with your bare hands? Really?
Post by: Necro910 on April 02, 2011, 03:21:33 pm
FROM THE DESK OF NECRO
Dear Urist:
It has come to my attention that you refuse to place a stray dog inside the caverns. If you do not proceed with aforementioned task, you will be terminated. Have a nice day!
-Necro
Post by: jaxy15 on April 02, 2011, 03:59:58 pm
Please refrain from shooting doe rabbits.
I need one tamed in order for a breeding pair.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on April 02, 2011, 05:31:11 pm
Next time I ask you to trim the overhanging rock surrounding the volcano, do it in such a way that you don't fall in.
-Urist Imiknorris
Post by: dude_ftw@live.com on April 02, 2011, 08:13:20 pm
Please don't go into a strange mood and take 2 of my golden bars to make a gold chest, further offence will result in death.
Thanks,
Signed Annoyedplayer
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on April 02, 2011, 08:27:23 pm
Post by: Renzuko on April 02, 2011, 08:30:43 pm
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on April 02, 2011, 08:34:52 pm
Post by: TolyK on April 03, 2011, 01:34:42 am
Why? A golden chest is awesome.
Designate the garbage dump at the top of the drop, not the bottom.he says it all correctly.
Post by: Renzuko on April 03, 2011, 02:07:07 am
nope, you is wrong, i have a whole layer of stone set to dump, and my dwarves arent taking it and throwing it off the edge
Post by: Keldane on April 03, 2011, 02:18:36 am
note to urist...imiknorris
nope, you is wrong, i have a whole layer of stone set to dump, and my dwarves arent taking it and throwing it off the edge
What do you mean, Urist's wrong? Did you actually move your garbage dump zone to the top of the cliff and see what happened? Because I can say from experience that if you have a garbage dump zone right next to a cliff, or any z-level drop, your dwarves will throw the items into the hole rather than placing them in the zone.
Post by: Renzuko on April 03, 2011, 02:20:24 am
Post by: Keldane on April 03, 2011, 02:25:25 am
yuppers, i made my garbage dump along the edge of the dodge me trap path, and along the outer edge, and my guys stood around doing nothing, when i set a garbage dump to the bottom, they ran and dumped it all down there, instead of dropping anything down the hole
Just to double check, but did you set the zone over open space, or on the ground next to open space?
Post by: Renzuko on April 03, 2011, 02:39:28 am
wall, open/dump, walkway, open/dump
wall, open.dump, walkway, open/dump
and that goes for about 7 spaces.
when i undesignated the bottom of the 9z lvl drop my dwarves stopped gathering the stones and putting them down there, just kinda went back to not working
Post by: Razonatair on April 03, 2011, 02:51:34 am
Post by: Keldane on April 03, 2011, 03:08:08 am
In order to properly set up a dump zone, you have to cover the space to throw, and the space to throw from.
I'm afraid this is incorrect - you don't have to cover the space to throw into, only the space to throw from. A 1 by 1 dump zone set on a walkable location will cause your dwarves to stand on the garbage dump tile and throw objects into the adjacent pit. The reason your upper level garbage dump isn't working, Renzuko, is because it isn't designated on walkable tiles. Put the zone on the walkway instead, and your dwarves will throw everything in the pit like you want them to.
Post by: Razonatair on April 03, 2011, 03:21:47 am
I'm not sure though if having >1 open spaces, with one as part of the dump zone, makes any difference to dump preference though in terms of which space to throw into, but it might(though this doesn't apply to the OP I assume).
Post by: schussel on April 03, 2011, 06:42:28 am
admitted i wanted to keep a pair of you for breeding issues ... and i am somehow thankful you disposed of the kittens in the area (how and why eludes me but you managed to keep the somewhat small cat population in check) .. but its no goddamn reason to multiply that extreme ... ok 5 pups in a year is cool per animal .. but launching babies in a constant stream is more than i could tolerate ... since you 4 adult pigs managed to hit the 50-creature population limit within a year ... consider yourself roast!!1
The hungry Administration
Dear Urist McButchers,
work faster!!!!!
Post by: ledgekindred on April 03, 2011, 06:53:27 am
What the... are you... conga line... what...?
On the one hand, I just caught eight of you who walked one-by-one into my traps. On the other, you're making me dizzy.
Yrs Confusedly,
Dizzy Overseer
Post by: Samuel on April 03, 2011, 02:57:23 pm
Those troglodytes are on top of a wall. With no path down to you. And no possible means of reaching you. What are they doing, looking at you menacingly? If you'll hurry up and finish the staircase, our squad can get up there and take care of them. Of course, in retrospect, they'll also be able to get down to you, so feel free to run then.
Signed,
An Overseer who doesn't much care for your fears or your life.
Post by: Renzuko on April 03, 2011, 03:35:46 pm
dwar urist's
the goblin has his legs broken at the bottom of a 9z drop, he cannot walk up and hurt you, just walk across the dodge me path already!
Post by: Maxwell5123 on April 03, 2011, 03:36:18 pm
When I ask you to construct a giant wall preventing attacks on us and there is a GIANT AREA NOT BEHIND THE WALL please use it and when I make the other side of the wall A RESTRICTED AREA! Don't use it anyways if I see any more of this you will become the first ones to try the FUN room
Signed
The master of your lives.
P.S if I see another dwarf kick a cat because he's pissy the next passing dwarf please direct him to the FUN room for a new job
Post by: Naryar on April 03, 2011, 06:54:40 pm
I do appreciate another legendary engraver. I really do. I understand you are very happy about it, and that basalt bracelet "Troubledrills" looks pretty valuable. It is encrusted with basalt and encircled with bands of goblin bone, goblin leather and lavender jade. Welcome to the legendary club !
There is one thing I must ask to you: Why in the fiery pits of the Nine Hells did you brought a total of more than a HUNDRED elephant bones to the workshop ? Why did TWO FULL ELEPHANT SKELETONS worth much more if used in decoration or bolts disappeared just to decorate that bracelet with spikes and make an image of a cloud on the bracelets, when the whole bracelet is made of a single basalt stone ?
I hope you understand what i mean.
Sincerely,
-Fortress Overseer
Post by: jaxy15 on April 04, 2011, 03:28:29 pm
I know you have an artifact steel mace, but that doesn't mean a troll won't punch you in the head and kill you.
Post by: Aramco on April 04, 2011, 03:34:42 pm
I realize that you Dwarves are always dying for stupid reasons. Usually, I appreciate it. Really, I do! Especially when it is done when I have a high population of Dwarves. A high population, however, is something that we do not currently have. I was trying to run a successful two Dwarf fortress, and now, we have the opposite of a high population. One population. Look what you've done. Look at it. See that? See it? That's because of you. That, that thing that you're looking at right now, do you know what it is? It's what you have done. I would kill you as punishment, but you are already dead. Do you know how I'll punish you? I'll wait for Urist McAnnoying to migrate here, and kill him. Then you'll both haunt our fortress as ghosts, and his ghost will annoy your ghost. That is your punishment. I hope you've learned your lesson.
Signed, your overseer, who now hates you.
Post by: jaxy15 on April 04, 2011, 03:43:56 pm
All you've killed is a GCS.
Your WIFE has more kills.
Stop slacking off and try to kill more things.
Dear Urist McJeweler,
Are you THAT desperate that you have to stop sleeping in order to turn a rock crystal into an artifact?
I mean, come on!
Sincerely, an angry overseer.
Post by: Renzuko on April 04, 2011, 04:40:36 pm
also, FINISH THE WALL FOR MY ANIMAL PEN!
Post by: Aramco on April 04, 2011, 04:49:46 pm
dear all of my f*cking dwarves, you are all in high spirits, GET MAKING THOSE GOD DAMN COFFINS!
also, FINISH THE WALL FOR MY ANIMAL PEN!
Well... You got to the point, at least.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on April 04, 2011, 05:01:29 pm
What's there to diagnose?
HE'S ALL BROKEN
Post by: Musashi on April 04, 2011, 05:04:36 pm
you know by now why this is a bad idea to loot a flaming corpse in a pool of 1/7 magma.
See you at your reincarnation.
Your Overseer who is watching the whole fort go to hell
Post by: MythagoWoods on April 04, 2011, 05:14:03 pm
You have a quiver, you've been assigned bone bolts, you have your crossbow, you even have target practice in the form of monkeys and badgers. I have one question for you all...
Y u no shoot enemies? Stop beating them to death with bone/wooden crossbows!
Sincerly,
Your annoyed mastermind
Post by: Hammerstar on April 04, 2011, 05:47:42 pm
By not shutting the floodgate that feeds water into the reservoir beneath our wells, you have now flooded the hospital area and the public baths. Think about that while you operate the pump to drain it all out.
Post by: rangarkash on April 04, 2011, 07:18:47 pm
Fuck you all. You deserve to be slaughered piecemeal by goblins. All your worthless lives, you've loafed around the pantry doing nothing, and of all times to go outside, you decide to do it when a goblin invasion is afoot? Away from the painstakingly planned traps I layed out? Truly?
May Armok give you all an eternity of agony in the Afterlife,
Your infuriated overseer
Post by: Niyazov on April 04, 2011, 08:19:49 pm
All your body parts are red. Die already.
Kind regards, etc.
Post by: TolyK on April 05, 2011, 08:44:44 am
I find it amusing that you hitting a goblin with your crossbow once earned you the title of Hammerdwarf.
Must say a lot about your crossbow skill, eh?
~Overseer
Post by: Sphalerite on April 05, 2011, 10:21:00 am
Don't stand there.
No, seriously, don't stand there. That dwarf you've been following around trying to get a meeting? He's decided to help deconstruct some floors. I'd make him stop, but there's no labor option to turn off deconstructing floors. So you'll just have to wait till he's done. Oh, and don't stand on the floor he's deconstructing. Seriously, don't.
Great. Now you've got human blood all over the bottom of the cistern. Thanks a lot, I'm going to have to open the access corridor to clean that up. At least you can meet with the baron now, once you drag your broken body to his office.
Great, now you've gone and bled to death. I suppose the humans are going to blame me for your self-inflicted death by stupidity, too.
Post by: UristMcDwarf on April 05, 2011, 10:52:57 am
I BET THE MIASMA WOULDN'T BE SO BAD IF YOU'D TAKE THE CORPSE AND PUT IT IN THE STOCKPILE LIKE I SAID.
Post by: schussel on April 05, 2011, 11:30:13 am
Dear Urist McInCrossbowSquad,
I find it amusing that you hitting a goblin with your crossbow once earned you the title of Hammerdwarf.
Must say a lot about your crossbow skill, eh?
~Overseer
Dear Overseer,
but, but my crossbow is red now and i like fancy red things *gets good mood*
.
..
...
... a sock!!! out there just behind those goblinish looking thingies with bows!!! ... gotta go, sire!
~Urist McInCrossbowSquad
Post by: ledgekindred on April 05, 2011, 12:50:05 pm
If you ran to the west, you would have gone in the door. The goblin was east of you. Therefore you had a straight line away from the goblin and into the door. So why for you run south? Had you gone in the door, you would have run past the cage traps. And the weapons traps. And the barracks, complete with 24 training soldiers. Instead you ran south. So did the goblin. And now you are dead. Thankfully, the goblin is as well, because he thought it would be a good idea to run through the door.
Sincerely,
The Overlord Who Resides Above You. (i.e. the direction that is not north, south, east, west, nor down.)
Post by: schussel on April 05, 2011, 03:44:38 pm
I let you build one pillar so i can close the water channel i stupidly designed without any shutdown system by creating a cavein ...
the layout is simple
h for ramps down where the water is
I the Support
rest is normal ground
hhh
hS
so why you freaking idiots need to get into the channels each time and keep canceling the support?
im fed up .. il use magma to seal the channel and you morons will be the ones to tap it ...
Post by: Samuel on April 05, 2011, 07:05:41 pm
I'm not lying when I say that you're among my favourite dwarves at Kissedgranite. This is undoubtedly due to the incident in which you leapt at what must have been half a dozen troglodytes and killed them singlehandedly. You looked like you were crowd surfing, except that the members of the crowd were dropping dead one by one.
With that in mind, I want you to know that I'm a little concerned for you. That battle was years ago, and your nose and ear are still broken. You went to the hospital for your ankle, why not stay and get your face patched up. Now that you have an infection, I am beginning to fear for your life. Not just in the literal sense but in the social sense. I'm not trying to be judgemental, but the busted, infected remnants of your nose may be why you don't have any friends.
Signed,
Your Concerned Overseer
PS On second thought, the troglodytes punching all your teeth out may also be a factor.
Post by: Keldane on April 05, 2011, 08:47:20 pm
First, let me welcome you to Windhumor, home of the deepest stairwell this side of the Mountainhomes. You are first, and for the moment, only Clothier.
Second, who the hell do you think you are? You only just arrived - indeed, the rest of your migrant wave are still flashing their 'x's, and some haven't even entered the map yet - and you're already demanding I build you a workshop so you can make some cloth artifact? I'll cater to your desires this time, but if your artifact is worth less than 10k dorfbucks, I'm thrusting a pick into your hands and sealing you in the lower reaches of the fort to single-handedly excavate the future magma furnace and forge pit.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Edit: Deathsparkles. DEATHSPARKLES. What the flying forgotten beast, Iden. A sheep's wool bag named Deathsparkles, menacing with spikes of sheep's wool and bearing an image of a cloud. I... just... I have no words.
Post by: Sarda on April 05, 2011, 08:59:14 pm
Post by: Keldane on April 05, 2011, 09:28:39 pm
How many dorfbucks is it worth?
Precisely 5000.
Post by: Sarda on April 05, 2011, 09:29:39 pm
Post by: Bdthemag on April 05, 2011, 09:30:06 pm
Of to the mines it is then!How many dorfbucks is it worth?
Precisely 5000.
Post by: MythagoWoods on April 05, 2011, 09:35:07 pm
Post by: Sarda on April 05, 2011, 09:36:22 pm
Post by: TolyK on April 06, 2011, 08:55:02 am
Dear Urist McInCrossbowSquad,Dear Urist McInCrossbowSquad,
I find it amusing that you hitting a goblin with your crossbow once earned you the title of Hammerdwarf.
Must say a lot about your crossbow skill, eh?
~Overseer
Dear Overseer,
but, but my crossbow is red now and i like fancy red things *gets good mood*
.
..
...
... a sock!!! out there just behind those goblinish looking thingies with bows!!! ... gotta go, sire!
~Urist McInCrossbowSquad
You are on fire.
~ Overseer.
EDIT: No, really. He is on fire. He is in a burrow and is assigned to defend it. Still fighting fires...
Post by: jaxy15 on April 06, 2011, 08:58:36 am
I know you have that masterwork adamantine 2handed sword from demonic fortress,
but that doesn't mean a bunch of goblin lashers won't kill you.
Sincerely, angry overseer.
Post by: imperium3 on April 06, 2011, 09:14:03 am
Dear Urist McAxedorf,
I know you have that masterwork adamantine 2handed sword from demonic fortress,
but that doesn't mean a bunch of goblin lashers won't kill you.
Sincerely, angry overseer.
I think I see your problem... :P
Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,
Okay, so you've been handing out beatings on the orders of a long-dead mayor. Fine, I can live with that. Bud did you have to punch the head off Urist McLegendaryMechanic like that? The poor dorf was the last of the founding seven, and you killed him. I advise you to be more careful in future, as if Urist McLegendaryMetalcrafter comes to harm in jail, you're next...
The Management
Post by: jaxy15 on April 06, 2011, 09:24:32 am
It's not polite to decapitate an unconscious goblin while a marksdwarf is shooting at him.
Please refrain from doing that.
Sincerely,
An overseer.
Post by: TolyK on April 06, 2011, 09:51:52 am
Follow your orders, a.k.a. just stand right there, outside.
~Overseer.
Post by: Byakugan01 on April 06, 2011, 09:56:29 am
I know the trogloydytes that came up from the caverns we deliberately breached right after embark were annoying. Hell, we have a dozen filling up cages until I can teach you how to tame them. That's a damn waste of cages. Quite rage inducing, really. I had to draft you two and the other five dwarves to kill the first lot quickly. Which you did. What I want to know is: WHY, WHY did you drop your copper picks and forbid them?! Not only would they have helped kill those trogs faster, but we wouldn't have been stuck above ground for a whole year! Furthermore, we wouldn't have lost two dwarves, including a weapon smith, if you hadn't done that! On the other hand, they were both possesions, and the second one gave my tame GCS in their scenic pasture a chance to peacefully resolve the berserk dwarf incident with the help of ten burly, manly dwarves who just happened to be stationed next to said craftsman. So I forgive you, for you gave me good entertainment.
Sincerely,
Your amused overseer
On another note...
Dear Migrant Ragtag military:
What. The. HELL. I saw some elkbirds down there, so I sent you to take them on for training. You followed my order to kill in the name of armok. That was good. But how the HELL do three of you get rolled around like rags dolls, and the rest of you can't even CATCH them?!?
You're lucky you got exxperience out of there, and you know it.
Post by: Vorthon on April 06, 2011, 10:06:57 am
Dear Urist McMiningUnion
I know the trogloydytes that came up from the caverns we deliberately breached right after embark were annoying. Hell, we have a dozen filling up cages until I can teach you how to tame them. That's a damn waste of cages. Quite rage inducing, really. I had to draft you two and the other five dwarves to kill the first lot quickly. Which you did. What I want to know is: WHY, WHY did you drop your copper picks and forbid them?! Not only would they have helped kill those trogs faster, but we wouldn't have been stuck above ground for a whole year! Furthermore, we wouldn't have lost two dwarves, including a weapon smith, if you hadn't done that! On the other hand, they were both possesions, and the second one gave my tame GCS in their scenic pasture a chance to peacefully resolve the berserk dwarf incident with the help of ten burly, manly dwarves who just happened to be stationed next to said craftsman. So I forgive you, for you gave me good entertainment.
Pit the trogloydytes (Make sure the fall's short enough not to hurt them) into a sealed-off arena carved into the rock. Then, whenever you capture any gobbos, drop one into the arena, wait until it's dead, then drop the next in, and repeat until you're out of gobbos. (Note: Make sure the gobbos are unarmed and unarmoured, first. Otherwise you lose your execution squad.)
Post by: schussel on April 06, 2011, 12:09:05 pm
Dear Urist. McWasInACrossbowSquadButIsNowInTheI'mOnFireSquaddamn you really hate him, don't you? :-[
Follow your orders, a.k.a. just stand right there, outside.
~Overseer.
Post by: TolyK on April 06, 2011, 12:29:35 pm
pumping water on him is too risky - he'll likely ignite the pumps.
him going inside is a no-no.
he won't station himself in a safe (read: ramped-walled) murky pool.
he's doomed, might as well get some burning goblins out of it. :-\
Post by: b_boy_212 on April 06, 2011, 02:06:23 pm
Post by: DoctorMonch on April 06, 2011, 03:10:30 pm
Whenever I lower the gate to let merchants in, please don't go running outside the gates just to stand there and be goblin bait.
We lost most of our militia trying to save you from a siege, you know. We killed them all, yeah, but we lost a LOT of good men.
All because you wanted to sit outside with your thumb up your ass.
There are burrows for a reason, you stupid bastard.
Post by: Dutchling on April 06, 2011, 03:26:52 pm
Me; Oh wait, it's the deleted cookis that makes the download links all shiny...
*facepaml*
*spelling facepalm*
Post by: Bo-Rufus CMVII on April 06, 2011, 03:35:08 pm
So...what's your note to your dwarves?Would you bums get off your asses and start performing some of the tasks I've ordered?
(Probably best that I'm not a supervisor in the real world; I spend lots of time hollering profanities at my $%$%$@ dwarves.)
And the trade negotiators... do these guys deliberately snub the merchants by going off for a drink and a nap when they show up? They're the worst slackers of the lot!
Post by: ZCM on April 06, 2011, 04:20:49 pm
What I want to know is: WHY, WHY did you drop your copper picks and forbid them?!There is a bug where weapons that are embedded in an enemy when it dies gets forbidden. They don't get dropped because of it, but if the dwarf drops them for some other reason, they won't get picked up again.
Post by: alficles on April 06, 2011, 04:42:56 pm
RE: Workplace Hazards
It has come to my attention that some of you are having trouble recognizing workplace hazards. This is an important skill, especially for those of you who do not know how to swim. That, from a quick glance at your performance evaluations, appears to be all of you.
I realize that I may have left orders to fill the reactor pools active in error. However, that does not absolve you of all responsibility. The first one of you to be washed into the overfull reactor core is excusable. I did leave it running and I did leave standing orders to fill it. However, when the second of you happened upon the first and saw that the first was trapped by the menacing wave of periodic 3/7 water, he should have considered Cancelling Fill Pool: Dangerous Terrain. But no, as the 3/7 water was only periodic, you decided to continue the task that was so recently aborted by the first. You, too were trapped. But surely, the third, by now realizing that this was a foolhardy task, would realize the danger and avoid it. But no. And not the fourth or the fifth or the sixth or the seventh or the eighth or the ninth...
In fact, one of you must have decided that even though your 35 bedraggled now-starving companions were stuck in the bottom corner of the reactor, surely it must be safe! Yes, 17% of the workforce decided to go swimming in the reactor core. Only when one of you became so hungry that he longed to eat the roach that lay tantalizingly beyond his reach did you begin to Cancel Hunt Vermin: Dangerous Terrain.
This time, I have rescued you. Only because a few of you are actually valuable to the fort. In fact, my primary regret is that there was no way to rescue Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith without rescuing Urist McNobleThatRequiresClearGlassWindowsAndSladeStatues. The next time it happens, I will open the newly installed 'heating ducts' that keep the reactor warm. Such an event may prove !!uncomfortable!!, so please be careful.
Signed,
Your Safety-Conscious Overlord
Post by: Dwarftosser on April 06, 2011, 11:07:49 pm
If I am not allowed to butcher it, I'm not responsible for feeding it.
No, really. That yak you keep toting around that's currently starving to death in your bedroom? He's going to because you're too busy attending parties at jet table to take the dumb thing outside and let it nibble on some rope weed.
And I don't want to hear about it when it comes to pass either. The moment I see a red arrow above your head I'm forbidding your door and letting you join the beast.
Sincerely,
The Management.
Post by: imperium3 on April 07, 2011, 10:18:40 am
Quote
Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,
Okay, so you've been handing out beatings on the orders of a long-dead mayor. Fine, I can live with that. But did you have to punch the head off Urist McLegendaryMechanic like that? The poor dorf was the last of the founding seven, and you killed him. I advise you to be more careful in future, as if Urist McLegendaryMetalsmith comes to harm in jail, you're next...
The Management
Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,
Further to our earlier correspondance, I note that Urist McLegendaryMetalsmith is now dead. My subordinates tell me that no one gave him anything to drink. So now the number of important dwarves dead because of you is up to 2.
This changes my plans for the new cell block. Now, each cell will get its own well to avert any further errors. Also you are demoted from guard captain with immediate effect. Instead you will be transferred to the deep caverns exploration unit. I suggest grabbing some of that steel equipment before the other recruits take it all. You're going to need it...
The Management, very angry
Post by: Lielac on April 07, 2011, 10:56:11 am
You know how a dwarf died last month because they got swarmed by goblins before they could get inside? Yeah, that's why I have you idiots set to always be assigned to stay inside. PLEASE RESPECT THAT. I don't want this fortress to die because none of the kids lasted to adulthood and all the grownups got depressed because their kiddies got deaded.
Some love,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: Ancre on April 07, 2011, 11:10:33 am
Your fighting style is ... creative, to say the least. I have seen you fighting that giant toad in the caverns, and I wonder why you were trying to bite and punch that poor thing, especially when you have a good quality steel weapon in your hand. Yes, that huge steel hammer I forced you to carry is actually a weapon. We actually had a lot of trouble obtaining it, since our fortress does not have any metal other than zinc and gold. You are expected to maim and kill stuff with this weapon, not with your teeth and bare hands, however amusing that may be.
Please remember that our parent civilisation is dead. We won't have any other dwarf coming here to live, ever. The area is inhabited by savage creatures. There are huge heads with big wings and pointy teeth flying around in the last layers caverns. We can't produce any kind of weapon or armor and must painfully buy them from every coming merchant. Traps can only protect us so much - right now our cages are filling up faster than we can rebuild or empty them. Therefore I need you to become an efficient warrior. Not fool around until the creature you fight dodge the wrong way and kill itself by slamming into an obstacle. I assure you, it won't happen twice. Please be serious about your job. I sincerely hope you do see the consequences of not following those wise words of advice. Militiaman is not a job that can be taken lightly, I assure you.
Also, please note, even if I'm French, biting giant frogs' legs does not impress me.
Sincerely,
Your amused but rather concerned overseer, taking care of the remnants of your civilization.
Post by: imperium3 on April 07, 2011, 12:59:17 pm
Congratulations on your recent promotion! Please be aware that your new job does involve a considerable amount of responsibility, which most dwarves are a stranger to. If you need a reminder as to what happens should this job be shirked, please take a look in the scorpion pit. If you're quick, what's left of your predecessor may still be alive...
Post by: jaxy15 on April 07, 2011, 01:05:39 pm
RE: Leap attack at elk bird
Slash it, it's better than stabbing it after you leap at it.
Seriously.
Post by: Taeraresh on April 07, 2011, 02:36:57 pm
I understand that you were possessed, and inspired to make an artifact coffin, but did you have to name it 'Fungusimpaled The Accidental Scenario' ? It seems to be predicting some Fun, and our military isn't finished training yet.
Signed,
The Overseer
Post by: ledgekindred on April 07, 2011, 02:59:56 pm
I'm happy you and your fellow soldiers were able to repel that goblin ambush. But when reading the combat log I noticed that, before killing it, you, erm, "bit the goblin on the eyetooth" and "shook it around."
I mean, you ... sounds like .. kissing? But ... goblin .... ewww? I ... gah ... I just ... ugh ... bleh.
Thanks for the brain bleach,
Your Now-Permanently-Squicked-Out Overlord
Post by: Kassil on April 08, 2011, 07:24:58 am
For future reference, when you suggest a place be settled because it has metals and flux, it would help if you ensure that those metals are, in fact, something that can be used with the flux stone. As it is, future invaders will be getting to test the utility of a pit with a bottom lined with copper upright spikes and traps with copper and silver warhammers to invite them to jump down to inspect them. I do trust the caravans, when they arrive, will appreciate the /lovely/ marble Trade Depot, and the eventual addition of marble statues and a marble block road. I will not be exporting the flux stone to the Mountainhome, no matter what you were apparently hoping.
With moderate annoyance,
The Overlord of the citadel of Deepspears
(We've certainly dug deep, but unless you send us some iron, there will be no spears in the deep.)
Post by: jaxy15 on April 08, 2011, 12:06:17 pm
Before you go and attack a giant scaly antelope forgotten beast, take a freaking crossbow first.
You would have died if it wasn't for my military.
Post by: Oliolli on April 08, 2011, 12:30:33 pm
Your recent strange moods result was a massive letdown.
Instead of creating something our military could have enjoyed, you made an artifact adamantine crossbow, even though we already have one, and our military doesn't include a marksdwarf regiment.
To any other weaponsmiths, the next maker of an artifact adamantine crossbow will be armed with it, but no bolts, and will be sent into our cavern exploration group.
Sincerely
The Administration
Post by: Musashi on April 08, 2011, 01:11:18 pm
I don't know whether to be angry or awed by the fact you did, in fact, engrave masterfully a picture of the chief medical dwarf, Iteb Archroofs, eating cheese, in the future room of some infortunate dwarf, on shiny gem floor. He's not even your friend. In fact, he's not friends with anybody. And you don't even like cheese!
The Root of Creams, indeed.
Either way, I'm flabbergasted.
Keep up... the... good work?...
Your Overseer who honestly doesn't know if it's better or worse than the engraving of the dehydration of a baby
Post by: JmzLost on April 09, 2011, 08:37:06 am
Thank you. I really never expected our fortress would live up to its name. Embarking on the side of a volcano with magnetite and marble, I expected to have a strong military, and totally destroy anyone who dared look at us funny. Instead, by the end of the first summer, our entire stockpile of ore is under magma. As is the anvil. And the forge area. And 3/4 of the fortress. And the only flat area on the surface, with the pasture and all of our animals. And half of our 75 z-level volcano. 11 out of 14 dwarves with furniture hauling and "No Job", and nobody could install the doors on the magma tap in the side of the volcano? Definitely a very strong union there. Good job, guys (and gals). We have certainly "Wiped the earth!"
Ragequitting,
Your Boss
Note to self:
In the future, specify the forges be at least 1 z below the main entrance to the fort. And the food. And the pastures. And everything else. And wait for the lazy haulers to install the door before designating those channels in the side of the volcano. Stupid self.
JMZ
Post by: TolyK on April 09, 2011, 08:46:02 am
i remember doing that to many a semi-successful fort... :D
Post by: JmzLost on April 09, 2011, 09:13:56 am
Protip: Don't play DF if you're half asleep. You'll make really stupid mistakes.
JMZ
Post by: TolyK on April 09, 2011, 09:16:07 am
no magma is involved though...
Post by: Oliolli on April 09, 2011, 10:21:00 am
no magma is involved though...
Therefore you have done it wrong.
Post by: Taeraresh on April 09, 2011, 10:22:02 am
When you see magma pouring from the ceiling in front of you, don't just stand there and stare at it. I know it's a pretty red color and all, but we have plenty of other red things in the fort for you to marvel at. Ones which won't kill you and cause a tantrum spiral.
Signed,
-The Overseer
Post by: Kogut on April 09, 2011, 10:25:12 am
you
Sincerely
Your Overseer who planned to use many high quality siege weapons.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: JmzLost on April 09, 2011, 03:06:35 pm
Dear Urist McDeadSiegeEngineer,
youarewere engineer. So why you removed the stairs in this way?
Sincerely
Your Overseer who planned to use many high quality siege weapons.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Obviously he'd had a few too many "herbs". :P
JMZ
Post by: Kogut on April 09, 2011, 03:19:40 pm
Post by: jaxy15 on April 09, 2011, 03:20:36 pm
WHAT THE CIRCUS WERE YOU DOING IN THE CAVE?!
There was a giant flying alligator with a poisonous bite there.
You are dead now.
Should've tried running when you saw it come on the freaking surface.
Sincerely,
An overseer.
Post by: Byakugan01 on April 09, 2011, 05:49:14 pm
I understand that bears are frightening. However, is this any reason to make every other lead statue one of a dwarf being struck down by grizzly bears? Seriously, every other statue! I don't know if you're Stephen Colbert in disguise, but please, make more like your earlier works. You know, the one of an elf being struck down by a dwarf. Or how about of our army of tame GCS ripping goblins to shreds. They may not break the sieges just yet, but they sure as hell break the ambushes.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 09, 2011, 06:11:02 pm
Also, why is that one just...wandering around? Now he wants to sleep? Great, when you wake up grab that training sword on the ground and get to work. Yes, it's a little burnt; no, I don't care. Stupid dwarf!'Nuff said.
Oops, wrong thread.
EDIT: First dwarf, good job at getting to practice.
Other two: You have no job. What is wrong with you two?
Post by: TolyK on April 11, 2011, 01:03:07 am
ahahahahano magma is involved though...
Therefore you have done it wrong.
...
ballistae ahoy.
Post by: PwndJa on April 11, 2011, 01:05:49 am
It wasn't even semi-successful. :( Five months after embark, and most of the map is covered in magma and fire.
Sounds successful to me.
Post by: TolyK on April 11, 2011, 01:06:44 am
hey, just like mine is now!It wasn't even semi-successful. :( Five months after embark, and most of the map is covered in magma and fire.
Sounds successful to me.
this is going VERY SLOWLY.
shiz.
Post by: jaxy15 on April 11, 2011, 03:45:25 am
I have recently realized that you have hunted elk birds to extinction.
Please do not do that.
Sincerely,
an overseer.
Post by: Kogut on April 11, 2011, 04:09:45 am
Why?
Sincerely,
hunters.
Post by: TolyK on April 11, 2011, 04:11:09 am
because they would be better in our meat industry.
Sincerely, overseer
Post by: dirty foot on April 11, 2011, 04:23:23 am
Dear overseer,Dear Hunters,
Why?
Sincerely,
hunters.
Because your need for 40+ arrows for a single bird kill is inefficient, and the animal food supply doesn't repopulate itself unless it's domesticated.
Best,
The Overseer
Post by: TolyK on April 11, 2011, 04:46:52 am
We're planning on conscripting in the militia.
Sincerely,
Hunters.
Post by: strongrudder on April 11, 2011, 05:10:13 am
Dear overseer,
We're planning on conscripting in the militia.
Sincerely,
Hunters.
Dear Hunters,
AAARRRGH.
Sincerely,
Uniform Distribution Dept.
Post by: TolyK on April 11, 2011, 05:16:52 am
There's a reason marksdwarves don't hunt in the military.
~Sincerely, Hunters.
Post by: Olith McHuman on April 11, 2011, 05:42:22 am
I notice you finally got around to cleaning the far side of the atomsmasher. Good job!
Next life, don't pull the lever first.
Post by: Strange guy on April 11, 2011, 05:49:25 am
You're training most of the time, yet all your combat skills have gone rusty? Is this my fault, have I done something wrong in the military screen? Or are you just being dwarfs?
Time to start using traps I guess.
Post by: ledgekindred on April 11, 2011, 08:43:23 am
On the one hand I appreciate your killing the Giant that had come to "Visit." On the other I must express some slight disappointment on behalf of the Axedwarf who had chopped its feet and hands off and severed its spine being shown up by your arrival and single blow to the Giant's head, thereby granting you the kill.
McAxedwarf, you were doing a bang-up job and I hope your 13 goblin deathblows shall lessen any potential disappointment.
Yrs
Benevolent (for once) Overseer
Post by: Byakugan01 on April 11, 2011, 08:48:37 am
I realize I gave Giant Cave Spiders the [PET] and [TRAINABLE] Tags. The intent was for me to use them against you, not for you to use them against me. This is especially true when my fotress is relying on a incomplete drawbridge deathtrap and a gauntlet of 8 GCS beyond that for its defense. The four undertrained squads of dorfs don't count. That being said, thanks for showing me the error of actually training the GCS for war, since they only produce a punny shot of string when so trained.
Laughing as my stray GCS nom your WAR GCS,
Byakugan01
Post by: shadenight123 on April 11, 2011, 08:54:52 am
you must NOT commit suicide by jumping off the newly formed cliffs YOU DUG OUT, to create a mote.
sincerely, overseer.
Post by: jaxy15 on April 11, 2011, 09:55:17 am
We appreciate how you made an artifact to become legendary and make better chert swords for the new military, but can you make it something other than a piccolo?
Sincerely,
An overseer
Post by: dirty foot on April 11, 2011, 10:46:56 am
You know, you don't HAVE to dodge toward the water when fighting tiny badgers that are terrorizing my gatherers.. You had four other --much better-- less suicidal options than the water.
Seriously,
Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 11, 2011, 05:24:37 pm
I want you to design those forges and bridges.
I disabled your engraving. You haul wood.
I disable your wood hauling. You go on break.
Why are you trying to avoid architecting? Do you have an aversion to building buildings when there are some of a type already existing? If so, let me know so that I can dismantle our outdoor metalsmithing array and move it inside.
WORK with me here!
Post by: Edosurist on April 11, 2011, 07:17:06 pm
Please don't stall the meetings so that I can upgrade my fortress, instead of the liaison leaving furiously.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: MythagoWoods on April 11, 2011, 07:43:19 pm
Stop it.
Sincerly, Your overseer glowering at over 3k bone/wooden bolts you've been assigned for training/combat yet refuse to use
Post by: Lost Requiem on April 11, 2011, 07:59:39 pm
I unleashed the genophage on the fortress. STOP GIVING BIRTH TO TRIPLETS!
Post by: Deus Machina on April 12, 2011, 03:10:25 am
You heard the alarm. You heard the orders to run back to the fortress so we can raise the drawbridges. It was entirely your fault for ignoring them and deciding to wander, take a nap, and then go give the cyclops a hug. At least you died quickly.
Also: you had an axe, and knew how to swing it. Whereas Urists McBowdwarf and McStabsmith picked up a sword and crossbow--they may even have gotten confused on which of them got what--for the first times in their lives, arrived before the rest of the squad had their boots on, and weren't even winded by the time they had killed the cyclops.
So use your short time haunting the fortress to stop bothering Urist and Urist for not arriving sooner, and spend it guessing who is getting a slab engraved and then dropped in the magma and who's getting a promotion.
Your ghost-warded overseer.
Post by: billybobfred on April 12, 2011, 11:31:34 am
Re: The latest wave of migrants
Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.
You sent three.
You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?
Post by: TolyK on April 12, 2011, 11:35:33 am
To: Animal Trainers' Guild of Mosus RomlamTo: control
Re: The latest wave of migrants
Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.
You sent three.
You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?
Re: re: latest wave of migrants:
what if one or two were somehow left outside during an ambush? you'll be glad you had three!
from: the guild
Post by: ledgekindred on April 12, 2011, 12:33:40 pm
To: Animal Trainers' Guild of Mosus RomlamTo: control
Re: The latest wave of migrants
Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.
You sent three.
You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?
Re: re: latest wave of migrants:
what if one or two were somehow left outside during an ambush? you'll be glad you had three!
from: the guild
To: External Assignments Dept, Animal Trainers' Guild
Keep up the good work. They are waist-deep in the waiting room. See if you can send five or six out next emigration cycle.
From: Guild Directors
P.S. We have prepared a bonus for your ingenius response for why we are sending so many.
Post by: billybobfred on April 12, 2011, 01:15:52 pm
Re: Your artifact idea
I realize that, in a very real sense, it is my fault that you couldn't get the green glass you needed to make... whatever it was going to be.
There is no sand on the map. I knew this, and yet I did not prepare.
However, the human traders brought clear glass. Isn't that... better?
Why did you insist on green glass?
Oh well. If you're going to sit in the workshop shouting "I am totally berserk right now, guys!", then that's fine too.
Post by: jaxy15 on April 12, 2011, 01:26:14 pm
Re: Murder of Urist McSheriff I
Put down that axe.
Why did you execute the poor guy?
He just attacked the commander who dodged his attacks.
Post by: Oliolli on April 12, 2011, 01:53:45 pm
I hope you're happy. Just because the mayor demanded items we could not produce doesn't mean you should be so rough on the metalsmith. He was legendary, and had a daughter. they are now both dead.
From
The Administrator
Post by: Byakugan01 on April 12, 2011, 02:26:59 pm
When I gave you your illustrious post, I had one thing-and one thing ONLY-in mind-for you to shoot web. The fortifications are there for your benefit, NOT for you to sit their twidlling your chelicerae while a forgotten beast in the form of an earthworm SHOOTS FIRE through the fortifications! You are one of two females I have. Although extremely valuable, I have one more female to take your place. Also, please keep in mind that although we tamed you, this fort is very young. We have nothing in the way of defenses besides our just-formed squad of six dwarves, as previously all dwarves were needed to start up our dwarven metal industry. So, for the love of Armok, do your job. You're worse than the dwarves are about it.
sincerely,
your spider-loving overseer.
P.S. Please do remember that the beast's first kill will be you, and I can do nothing to save you.
Post by: Mister Always on April 12, 2011, 04:11:42 pm
So you made a friend. That's good! I'm very happy about that. And you went and threw a party for just you and your friend at the tiger cage. Well, alright, two's company, right?
What kind of confounds me is that you, immediatley after announcing this party to your buddy the grower, decided to go on break. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of organizing it?
Sincerely,
your overseer.
Dear Urist McManager,
Okay, seriously, you have no fucking right to breaks. You know what you do all day? You fucking pass production orders and do shit-all else all day long. Okay, you're also one of our many furnace operators, I'll admit. Other than that, though, your only duty is to make potash, which we never do because, frankly, the farm plots aren't even in use anymore right now because we were fucking suffocating under huge piles of mushrooms and other assorted plants, and we won't be making any clear glass either. Frankly, you should be happy I picked you out for the position of manager. You get your own snazzy office, and all you have to do is ask our bookkeeper if he foresaw that we'd have enough materials for the order at this particular point in time (how that guy knows we'd be running into veins of bituminous coal I don't know, but I won't question the ethereal science of bookkeeping) before jutting a little "yup" mark next to that order on the list. In fact, I'm even taking you off the wood burning squad, just in case. So you get to sit around on your trallally all day long, waiting for somebody to pass on one of my production orders. This is all the work you'll be doing. If you take a break one more time just when I put up a shitload of coke-making orders for our metalsmithing industry, I'm giving you some !!motivation!!.
Kindly get off your big, fat ass.
Curtly and sternly,
your overseer.
P.S: No, seriously. If you don't do it, I'm promoting your son to a millitia captain and sending his "squad" (consisting of him, in the nude, with a sharp stick) at the next goblin ambush. You've been warned, fatass.
P.P.S: Love what you did with your hair, by the way.
Dear Urist McBookkeeper,
First, let me express my thanks to you for keeping our stock records up and running. Very good job you did there. Very precise, like I told you to. What I want to ask you, though, is it really necessary for you to write down the meat returns of every goblin we butcher separately? It clutters up the kitchen stocks a bit. Yes, I know they were all individuals with their own hopes, dreams, and family before they ran into our meatgrinder, but really, after Urist McButcher and his butchering friends have been at them, you can't even recognize them any more, and you just call it "goblin meat". Despite this, you still somehow saw fit to write down the contents of every pile separately. Kindly cut that shit out.
With thanks in advance,
your overseer.
To Urist McMayor,
No, we're not making any cunting quivers. We don't even have any hunters, because there's unicorns on the map. Quit your tremulous whining and get back to doing whatever the hell it is you do all day.
Signed by,
your overseer.
P.S: Is it really any surprise that you don't have any friends? Like, at all? Even the tanners have a few buddies, and they smell like brains and leather.
P.P.S: Two more months, and then your ass is out. Out and into the river, that is. Thanks to you and one of our former mayors, three of our dwarves will be sentenced to nearly two and a half months of jail time once the captain of the guard arrrives.
P.P.P.S: How's that agreement to get some carp brought here coming along? I did mention wanting to reintroduce them into the river.
Dear everyone,
You can drink some more, you know. We have plenty of booze, and the faster we drink it, the faster we can get rid of our plant surplus, and the faster our planters will have work again. They're threatening to unionize. This round's on me! If you drink less than eight units of booze this year, you're a pussy.
Sincerely,
the overseer.
Dear Urists McWoodcutter (s),
Would it KILL you to keep the tunnel to the farms free of trees while they're inactive? We'd like to get production underway as fast as possible again once we're out of booze and plants.
Sincerely,
you know who.
Dear miners,
Just fucking MINE out the vein of coal that is OBVIOUSLY behind those two squares of coal. Come the HELL on.
Going to drown his sorrows inb ooze,
the overseer.
this 's some good fuck'n booze! *hic*
*vomit stains*,
look ma i got a peeeeeeeeen
Dear Urist McChief Medical Dwarf,
Thanks for treating the head wound I got while falling down the stairs dead-drunk.
Sincerely,
your overseer.
Post by: Byakugan01 on April 12, 2011, 07:37:47 pm
I have been going over the combat reports you've filed lately.I cannot help but notice that when you find goblin mcpedo, you never fail to inject venom. REPEATEDLY. When ALL THREE OF YOU ARE LATCHED ONTO THE SAME GOBLIN. However, in repelling the first ambush of our fort, despite latching on through their clothes you failed to inject your venom even once. Come on gals and guy. I understand the the pedos need to be destroyed, but you injected venom no less than FIVE TIMES. Each. Save some for the military gobbos, wouldn't you?
Sincerely,
your overseer who is willing to savescum to keep you three around.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on April 12, 2011, 07:48:08 pm
Stop whoring up all the limestone, we're trying to build a second wall layer here. Go make your artifact with something else, ass.
Yours truly,
The Overseer that is not afraid to lock you in the workshop if you don't stop using all the limestone.
Post by: Icee77 on April 12, 2011, 07:51:24 pm
Why do you keep bashing people in the HEAD WITH YOUR CROSSBOW WHEN YOU STILL HAVE BOLTS?! Now I have to throw you in the !!FUN!! room since you have too many injuries and we have too few threads for patients. Say hi to Armok for me you Carp Hugging Long-Ears.
Sincerely, Overlord
Post by: Byakugan01 on April 12, 2011, 08:01:07 pm
Dear Urist McMoodyMason,
Stop whoring up all the limestone, we're trying to build a second wall layer here. Go make your artifact with something else, ass.
Yours truly,
The Overseer that is not afraid to lock you in the workshop if you don't stop using all the limestone.
How much is "all" of it? You might be on your way to another planepacked!
Post by: shadenight123 on April 13, 2011, 05:55:16 am
you came, we traded, then we traded again.
the first time, you took a nice 20 margin profit, and we were both happy.
then you refused an 80 profit. a 100 profit, and a 120 profit and left claiming i was playing with you.
next time you come, i don't care if we're dwarves, and i don't care if you have merchants, i'll lower the bridge on your fucking head, splatter you all to death, and claim what remains. and if you survive and get to the depot, i'll seize what fucking remains and annihilate you all under a mass of bolt fire.
i HAD 30 idlers. now i have 30 Crossbowman...and i do have 30 quivers and 30 stacks of 25 bolts.
noone defies me and lives. NO-ONE!
ps: next time, please, bring more food.
Post by: malvado on April 13, 2011, 06:53:51 am
Or is this some scam made to ensure the doctor get paids even more than he is actually being paid for fixing heart diseases?
Post by: ZachUSAman on April 13, 2011, 05:25:46 pm
as I was glancing over your squad I decided to see how your sparring session was going.
you bit a dwarf in the right eye.
what.the.fuck.
Post by: khearn on April 13, 2011, 05:48:02 pm
dear urist Mchammerdwarf
as I was glancing over your squad I decided to see how your sparring session was going.
you bit a dwarf in the right eye.
what.the.fuck.
Well, sir, it was like this. We was doing dodging drills, and these recruits just weren't working very hard. Especially this one recruit. He kept stopping to rest, even though I had said they should keep moving at all times. You gotta work these kids hard to get them into shape, ya know? So he stops again, and I yell "Keep moving, meat!" And he looks at me and says "but I'm tiiiired." These recruits we get these days, they're pretty soft. All we get is cheesemakers and fish dissectors. How about assigning us some miners or pump operators? Anyway, I tell the kid to get moving, and he looks at me and says "fuck you" and then he winks at me. He f'in WINKS AT ME! This worthless cheesmaker of a recruit tells a HammerLord to F off and then tries to make a joke of it by winking at me?! So yeah, I bit him in the eye. I'd do it again, too. But I'll tell ya, he started moving. They ALL started moving. And none of 'em stopped until they dropped from exhaustion. So yes, sir. I bit him in the eye, and I stand by my action.
Urist McHammerLord
Drill Sergeant.
Post by: Nyxalinth on April 14, 2011, 12:17:26 pm
Dear tame GCS down in the cavern entrance,
When I gave you your illustrious post, I had one thing-and one thing ONLY-in mind-for you to shoot web. The fortifications are there for your benefit, NOT for you to sit their twidlling your chelicerae while a forgotten beast in the form of an earthworm SHOOTS FIRE through the fortifications! You are one of two females I have. Although extremely valuable, I have one more female to take your place. Also, please keep in mind that although we tamed you, this fort is very young. We have nothing in the way of defenses besides our just-formed squad of six dwarves, as previously all dwarves were needed to start up our dwarven metal industry. So, for the love of Armok, do your job. You're worse than the dwarves are about it.
sincerely,
your spider-loving overseer.
P.S. Please do remember that the beast's first kill will be you, and I can do nothing to save you.
Dear Overseer,
How I shot web?
Sincerely,
Ms. GCS
Post by: Hammerstar on April 14, 2011, 04:48:01 pm
I'd like to point out, first of all, it was your own fault. Our best carpenter, and one of the original seven you were, and yet when the mood struck you, you insisted on claiming a clothier's workshop, and then demanded silk. Silk? We've never had silk. Unless the cages in the caverns finally bear fruit and catch a giant spider, we will still never have silk. I had ordered you walled into the workshop, but when I realized you had merely become depressed instead of flying into a rage, I ordered the wall taken down so the workshop could be salvaged before your corpse stunk it up.
Though I will admit, I was intensely amused that you managed to die of thirst just three steps from the beer stockpile. As our long time carpenter and one of the original seven who worked so hard to build our mighty fortress, you will be spared being tossed outside to rot, and will instead be buried in the tombs. Your dumbassery has cost you a place of honor with your fellows, however, and you'll be buried in the communal area in a granite coffin, instead of the planned silver in a private tomb.
Your frustrated yet amused Overseer
Post by: Tshiknn on April 14, 2011, 08:07:47 pm
If I want you to mine, stop hauling wood to the frikkin WOOD stockpile and GO MINE, you lumpheads!
With love,
Tshiknn
Post by: Ze Spy on April 15, 2011, 03:16:08 am
Go Fuck yourselves
Post by: Vorthon on April 15, 2011, 08:15:41 am
Dear Dwarves:
If I want you to mine, stop hauling wood to the frikkin WOOD stockpile and GO MINE, you lumpheads!
With love,
Tshiknn
I usually disable all hauling labors on my miners. It helps. A lot.
Post by: jaxy15 on April 15, 2011, 10:08:36 am
Did you seriously make a superior quality zinc statue of a demon killing a dwarf?!
Post by: Darvi on April 15, 2011, 10:14:45 am
Post by: jaxy15 on April 15, 2011, 10:15:34 am
I have two now.
Post by: shadenight123 on April 15, 2011, 10:54:02 am
lot's of Fun will ensue.
back on topic.
Dear and kind Urist MC butcher.
i labelled for slaughter over 20 animals. My meat reserve in low, and you STILL HAVEN'T STOPPED doing something else.
you're only job is to butcher, and you fetch a drink.
i don't care if it's 20 kittens, or a goose, or something, I don't want to see them alive in the next season or i WILL magma you, your workshop and everything about you! and to avoid tantrums spiral i will kill you in a desolated area, far away from everything, and kill also your wife and kid.
who i have already blocked in a separate area to keep them away from socialising.
they will die.
do your job mister Mc butcher, do it. Or suffer the consequences.
sincerely, your supreme overlord and commander of dwarfenly things.
Post by: Sutremaine on April 15, 2011, 12:25:21 pm
Pasture the animals. Burrow the butcher. He will leave once he gets starving or thirsty, but not before then. Since he's just gone for a drink, at least he won't be worrying about thirst.
Post by: Crazy Cow on April 15, 2011, 12:42:11 pm
I know, I know. Dwarves are more my kind of people. But you can get very bored creating the same exact thick-skulled race to worship you hundreds of times over. So, I pondered the possibility of creating a different race to worship my name. And eventually, I made you.
Now, I don't know whether or not to be angry with you. You did find the most amazing of embarks, 20 z-levels of sheer cliff for me to play with. However, you also parked the wagon at the very bottom of this chasm, with no way to the top. It also turns out that the floor of the chasm was the largest river I have ever seen. With no soil, I had to dig a very hasty hole in the wall and dump all of your crap inside, and not a moment too soon. Well, all's well that ends well.
However, the incidents that have occurred since cannot be ignored. I asked nothing of most of you while my miners excavated temporary quarters, but the moment I had workshop space available, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU TOOK A BREAK AT THE SAME TIME. I had to sit and stare through my portal of godly viewing for half an hour while you all did nothing at all. And that miner that dug a very simple and very short hallway to punch into the river for some drinking water? He drowned ONE URIST AWAY FROM THE DAMN RAMP. And the "caravan" that arrived? Nobody but the outpost liaison arrived. I believe some tweaking is needed to your raw souls.
However, there is most definitely promise in you, and I won't give you up yet. However, my shit list is already longer than in most fortresses, and this will be the first fort where all of my starting seven (except for a stupid miner) will be put on the Sealed Permanently in a Cavern and Left to Survive military squad. Grats.
Sincerely,
Armok
Post by: ZachUSAman on April 15, 2011, 01:17:35 pm
your steel breastplace is of a superior quality and thus must be melted, please let it go so we can make it better, seriously, just drop it. a new masterpiece steel one is waiting for you.
Post by: ZachUSAman on April 15, 2011, 01:50:40 pm
PUT IT ON THE GOD DAMN ARTIFACT STORAGE ROOM ALREADY OR SOMEBODY IS GOING TO BE DIGGING OUR NEW MAGMA PIPES!!
Post by: ledgekindred on April 15, 2011, 04:43:14 pm
See all that purple stuff surrounding your cages? That's miasma. You know where it comes from? FROM THE ROTTING CORPSES OF APPROXIMATELY 40 OF YOUR FELLOW GOBLINS WHO WERE SLAUGHTERED WITHOUT MERCY! (and frankly with quite a lot of enjoyment.)
SMELL MY VICTORY STENCH!! SMELL IT!!!
MUahahhahahahahahhahahahahah!!!
Yrs Laughing Maniacally,
Supreme and Omniscient Overlord
p.s. MWWAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Post by: jaxy15 on April 16, 2011, 07:01:06 am
I know the herbalist is your friend, and he hosted a party, but you should be mining cobalt.
The werewolves want us dead, here.
Post by: Mcducks22 on April 16, 2011, 08:57:15 am
You know that wall you were ordered to build? I ordered it because there were twenty demons making their way up the stairs. You were our only hope at stopping them. So why, WHY did you decide to stop because you saw a demon when you were five seconds away from finishing?? You IDIOT!
Sincerely, all the 73 dwarfs who blame their deaths on you!
Post by: billybobfred on April 17, 2011, 10:50:21 am
Re: Mandates
We do not have any lead. Therefore, lay pewter is very hard to make, despite our abundance of its two other ingredients. You are very lucky that one bar of lead makes four bars of lay pewter, and that a single cage produces a full bar when melted. I do not like giving my nobles magma baths, but I will if I have to.
From: Urist McMayor
Re: Mandates
Ahahaha hey you know what? those bars you had forged? totally good enough for me!
To: Urist McMayor
Re: Mandates
Smart man.
Post by: Cromage on April 17, 2011, 02:30:29 pm
Your dedication to duty is commendable, as is your humble belief that no dwarf, no matter what their station, is too high to perform ordinary tasks.
However, most of the workforce is currently free to perform these duties as well, and YOU have a meeting with the outpost liason. Please stop picking plump helmets/rearranging the cattle and MEET with him.
Sincerely, One Who Watches Your Sorry Ass
Post by: shadenight123 on April 17, 2011, 05:54:26 pm
i'm sorry, but my colleagues of Trusseltruth do the same thing, we have forged an Union and are currently on the "non meeting liasons" strike. Please respect my workers rights. Just until i ask you for obviously un-obtainable items.
Post by: Shook on April 17, 2011, 07:34:53 pm
THANK YOU. You went in a secretive mood, grabbed a bar of iron, and made an artifact battle axe. Which, conveniently enough, is my very first actually useful artifact that isn't furniture. I mean sure, Urist McCarpenter's barrel isn't bad, but it can't cut stuff like your axe. I'm sure that Urist McAxedorf will enjoy using it! For this, you earn a cool name.
Sincerely,
A for once very pleased floating X
---
Dear Human McPlayer,
Remember to check what's beneath a lake before crashing a floor through it. You managed to burn all our gems with magma due to this. Also, please be careful around volcanoes. Lava is awesome, but it's fluid and pretty hot too. Our brains can't compute consequences as of yet, so you have to do that for us.
Yours carefully,
The dorfs of Beardfortress
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 17, 2011, 09:14:44 pm
Stay away from the blizzard man. It is dangero...
Dear all surviving dwarves,
Stay away from where a near-death expedition leader is keeping the aforementioned blizzard man busy by being strangled and not moving while the blizzard man constantly passes out from exhaustion.
Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader,
If you survive long enough that the blizzard man gets bored, you are getting the best tomb I can give you and an awesome accident. If you die first, and the fort survives, you will get the first tomb. Either way, I thank you.
And if you kill the beast, you are getting an awesome bedroom and private dining room, along with an awesome office, and the office of sheriff. Good luck.
Post by: Sting_Auer on April 17, 2011, 09:18:38 pm
I understand that you were attacked by alligators and died horrible deaths. However, Alligators are slow creatures and leave you alone unless provoked. Why did you feel the ned to poke the alligator? Thanks to you, the 4 surviving dwarves are likely to starve to death.
Sincerely,
Sting_Auer
Post by: Kogut on April 18, 2011, 01:26:02 am
Post by: jaxy15 on April 18, 2011, 03:43:18 am
RE: Battle with jabberer
Come on, did you have to commit suicide by attacking one at a time?
You had decent weaponry.
Just gang up on it.
Post by: schussel on April 18, 2011, 02:29:11 pm
Dear Urist McFisherDwarf and Urist McGrower and Urist McCrafter:
I understand that you were attacked by alligators and died horrible deaths. However, Alligators are slow creatures and leave you alone unless provoked. Why did you feel the ned to poke the alligator? Thanks to you, the 4 surviving dwarves are likely to starve to death.
Sincerely,
Sting_Auer
umm alligators tend to be quite agressive once you enter their personal space.. wich seems to be quite large^^
Post by: Mister Always on April 18, 2011, 03:05:59 pm
Dear Urist McFisherDwarf and Urist McGrower and Urist McCrafter:
I understand that you were attacked by alligators and died horrible deaths. However, Alligators are slow creatures and leave you alone unless provoked. Why did you feel the ned to poke the alligator? Thanks to you, the 4 surviving dwarves are likely to starve to death.
Sincerely,
Sting_Auer
umm alligators tend to be quite agressive once you enter their personal space.. wich seems to be quite large^^
Think about it. Dwarves eat mostly meat and cheese, and live entirely off of alcohol. They also can't be very fast, with those short legs. To an alligator, they must look like dinner-for-four on wheels.
Post by: schussel on April 19, 2011, 06:46:26 am
Dear Urist McFisherDwarf and Urist McGrower and Urist McCrafter:
I understand that you were attacked by alligators and died horrible deaths. However, Alligators are slow creatures and leave you alone unless provoked. Why did you feel the ned to poke the alligator? Thanks to you, the 4 surviving dwarves are likely to starve to death.
Sincerely,
Sting_Auer
umm alligators tend to be quite agressive once you enter their personal space.. wich seems to be quite large^^
Think about it. Dwarves eat mostly meat and cheese, and live entirely off of alcohol. They also can't be very fast, with those short legs. To an alligator, they must look like dinner-for-four on wheels.
i lost several embarks due to alligators in a nearby streams that chased and hunted down nearby dwarfs :/ to the extend that the dwarfs didnt even get the threat or were far to slow for those gators
Post by: Draignean on April 19, 2011, 05:44:16 pm
There is a reason why I asked you to carve out a little niche Before you bore into the frozen river, otherwise you will freeze to death in the ankle deep water when the sunlight hits you. I'd say don't do it again but the rest of the team is busy excavating your corpse from the ice, so instead I think I'll have this engraved on your memorial.
- Your benevolent overseer
Post by: MasterMorality on April 19, 2011, 07:51:41 pm
Listen, guys. I know that artefact iron barrel that was crafted early on in the fort is nice, but seriously, you don't need to engrave it five times in the same location. There are three other artefacts that you can busy yourself with.
Similarly, there is no need to depict the founding of the fort so frequently, nor the fall of the same couple of nobles again and again.
We have, over the past few years, had some genuinely interesting and heroic figures, some genuinely interesting situations - are you ging to tell me that these stories and events have completely passed you by?
Four forgotten beasts, one cyclops, a minotaur and countless sieges/ambushes. Why have you not even made passing mention of these things!?
Seriously, new subject matter becomes an artist: time to change it up guys.
Amused, if not somewhat bored,
Your Creator and Overlord.
Post by: Akura on April 19, 2011, 07:57:56 pm
I know last year I enthusiastically requested a variety of animals from the liason. However, would it have killed you to bring something other than animals? We're dying of low booze here, and the brewers and pot and barrel makers can't seem to keep up with the demand!
Sincerely,
Overseer cancels sign letter, too thirsty.
Post by: Deus Machina on April 19, 2011, 09:22:56 pm
First, why hadn't you equipped yourself with the weapons from the goblins you killed off half a year ago? You just left them in the elements, aside from one of you picking up some bolts.
Second, when the cyclops came, and I had to station on this side of the bridge--with half the fresh goblinite deposit--why weren't you picking stuff up then?
Third, I am awarding a masterful dolomite cabinet and promotion to Urist McUnskilledMarksdwarf for taking a single shot from one end of our full-sized wood stockpile to beyond the other and sticking a copper bolt into the cyclop's head. One shot, not even a hello, and it's unconscious on the ground.
The rest of you should be happy with the experience you gained when he lead the charge of both largely unarmed and -armored squads, because you sure took your time kicking the thing to death.
Sincerely,
your bemused overseer
Post by: Andal on April 19, 2011, 09:34:41 pm
Look, I understand your urges to express yourself through the creative medium of clay. Some of your creations have been sublime works of perfection, symbols of dwarven might, ingenuity and comradeship. But only some. Can you please stop wasting what little clay we can glean from glorious elf-slaughter on making statues of rats? Seriously. And no, that one statue of two rats doesn't count as different. More statues of dwarves would be nice.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Laboredcontrolled
P.S. No, statues of dark horrors are not going to be appreciated either. And I don't care if it's an expression of an artist's despair at the suppression of his art, it's creepy.
Post by: Seriyu on April 20, 2011, 12:54:42 am
I realize you all have some kind of long standing feud with the local wolf population, judging by your commander shooting a wolf through two fortifications and down a hill while a giant was not five feet away, but I would appreciate it if you didn't get distracted in the middle of seiges, as this has lead to the death of four perfectly serviceable swordsdwarves.
Sincerely,
The voice in your head telling you all to do various things
Post by: BlueMagic on April 20, 2011, 01:20:19 am
Wine and alcohol are very good ingredients for meals in small doses. This is because we live in a tundra and we don't even have fucking trees or found a cavern. The brook freezes over during the wintertime you dumbass. What the hell, you used ALL THE ALCOHOL IN YOUR MEALS!?! I know meals can conserve food which is why I made you prepare the food in the first place, since our well was a huge epic fail on my part and we have to wait for the brook to thaw out in the summertime.
Thanks to you, half the fortress is dead and the other half dehydrated and at least a few of the ghosts are going to be whining and wrecking shit. Armok, I never thought I'd be happy to see Elves of all people!
-What the fuck,
Blue
Dear Urist McHauler,
dude no
the FLODGTE goes in FRONT of you
armko fuck
no dude
PUT
THE FLOODGATe
in font
NOT INSIDE HTE WELL
-how HIGH do you even have to be
-Blue
Post by: schussel on April 20, 2011, 02:56:54 am
Dear Malfol McCook,dude comic sans .. phew
Wine and alcohol are very good ingredients for meals in small doses. This is because we live in a tundra and we don't even have fucking trees or found a cavern. The brook freezes over during the wintertime you dumbass. What the hell, you used ALL THE ALCOHOL IN YOUR MEALS!?! I know meals can conserve food which is why I made you prepare the food in the first place, since our well was a huge epic fail on my part and we have to wait for the brook to thaw out in the summertime.
Thanks to you, half the fortress is dead and the other half dehydrated and at least a few of the ghosts are going to be whining and wrecking shit. Armok, I never thought I'd be happy to see Elves of all people!
-What the fuck,
Blue
Dear Urist McHauler,
dude no
the FLODGTE goes in FRONT of you
armko fuck
no dude
PUT
THE FLOODGATe
in font
NOT INSIDE HTE WELL
-how HIGH do you even have to be
-Blue
btw you can forbid alcohol for cooking in the kitchen screen and better do it early :)
Post by: A-chana on April 20, 2011, 03:10:45 am
How did you even know you're a sacrificial lamb? Was it the fact that you're completely inexperienced, but suddenly got assigned to be the captain of the guard during a siege? Or was it the fact that I sent you outside all by yourself?
But, come on, it's either you or 90% of the only real soldiers, because on a test run they all got lured around the water and either drowned or got separated and crushed by a million macegoblins. And it'd take years to build it back up, something I can't afford when I just hit some cotton candy (it'd take too long make armor for the current military, and I might miss another caravan) and have been mocking the elves consistently for about six years.
so please just. stop trying to store random items in random bins inside. If you get them across the bridge without dying, I'll even dismiss you so you can run the heck away. go back outside, the goblins can't path because they are dumb and smelly and
Signed,
the worst overseer ever, I swear
- - -
Dear goblin squad leader,
How do you even drown on a crocodile mount. Just. Direct it back on land. Or dismount it and climb up yourself, though it's questionable if that would work because it's a river without ramps.
Also, your subordinates can't seem to figure out how to cross a bridge without my help, so it's all your faults that I have to send out a sacrificial lamb to begin with. Bite me.
Signed,
still a bad overseer
Post by: billybobfred on April 20, 2011, 10:02:58 am
dude noyou got to
the FLODGTE goes in FRONT of you
armko fuck
no dude
PUT
THE FLOODGATe
in font
NOT INSIDE HTE WELL
-how HIGH do you even have to be
FLIP it,
TURN-WAYS
Post by: Samuel on April 20, 2011, 02:42:09 pm
Far be it from me to teach you how to do your job, but I believe the idea is to capture the child, not stab them in the head.
Signed,
A Facepalming Overseer.
Post by: shadenight123 on April 20, 2011, 06:05:11 pm
you no longer are content with a 1K cut, and now wish a 5K before concluding anything. This will not stand.
do not worry though, i have a gift for you, just reach the NEW depot area, in that chasm over there, and do not worry for the five floodgates or the retractable bridges which seem to compose the only way in. You'll be fine. i swear it on a Tree.
Post by: Nilik on April 20, 2011, 10:17:20 pm
I understand that you were instructed to encrust finished goods with gems, but I really had the big pile of stone and clay crafts in mind. That you've managed to encrust several ropes with jewels is impressive, if somewhat baffling, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't do it again.
Also, jewel-encrusted quivers? Jewel-encrusted waterskins? Really? Our marksdwarves will appreciate the bling I'm sure, but their ability to remain camoflaged will be greatly hindered by the fact that they now sparkle.
Sincerely,
Urist McExpedition Leader
Post by: Deus Machina on April 21, 2011, 04:57:11 am
That vaguely brickwork-looking-stuff floating in the sky is to mark where the masons are going to build the floor of out archers' platform, not actual brickwork. There's a walkway all the way around it. Please try to stay on that.
Until the the entire range of them is finished, you guys are going back to training. I'm glad this platform is on our side of the moat, because I'm honestly amazed that every last one of you managed to dodge down the unbuilt center hole and knock yourself silly.
Dear Urist McClothsmith,
WE ARE IN A SIEGE! This is NOT the time to arrange a 'at my best friend alerted us to the invasion before he got shot in the liver 37 times' party!
Dear Smunstu al-Bowgoblin,
My previous letters' arrow count was not an exaggeration. You revealed yourself to Urist McWoodhauler (also our broker and best appraiser, thank you very much) and were immediately preceded by a veritable cyclone of pointy projectiles. Between the 15 bowgoblins in your group, Urist had, at last count, no less than 37 arrows stuck in him. And that's not even counting any that broke off out of view.
I would congratulate you on how few of them actually missed, but I do notice that half of you actually had to back away to give yourselves room to fire.
You wait until I have these archers' posts done. We're coming for you!
Once these masons finish the fortifications. We don't, you know, actually want to get shot back at.
Soon to be stripping your arrow-ridden corpses of all valuables and fresh pants without holes in inopportune areas,
the overseer.
Post by: Renzuko on April 21, 2011, 09:52:59 am
...rosegold? really man? you were SURROUNDED by steel, silver, iron, pig iron and copper, and what you chose, was rose gold.
now, im not saying that im not happy with the rose gold mace you made...even though we dont currently have a macedwarf in the fort, but really man? you couldnt have picked a better metal?
now before you start making excuses that a demon or ghost possessed you, i call bullshit, i think your just trying to screw with the first macedwarf we get by making me equip him with a pretty purple mace
signed
mildly annoyed oversear.
Post by: Kogut on April 21, 2011, 09:59:11 am
STOP DODGING INTO RIVER!
Urist McOverseer cancels berserk: writing bug report 4550.
Quote from: Reason!
(http://www.castlebury.net/WebFowl/Bluecock%282%29.jpg)
Post by: ledgekindred on April 21, 2011, 07:08:40 pm
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
Post by: Draignean on April 21, 2011, 07:21:13 pm
Glad as I am that you survived your encounter with that hellfire imp the proper course of action is to find water to extinguish yourself, not to suddenly become thirsty and drink directly from the main booze stockpile. Your surviving companions are having to build scaffolding to get !!Urist Eyeball!! off of the roof of the building next to you, so it's your own damn fault that you scattered your own remains and came back as a haunt.
Your unexpectedly flaming overseer.
Post by: Necro910 on April 21, 2011, 08:22:16 pm
To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Post by: Alarion on April 21, 2011, 08:40:39 pm
Please stop killing the albatrosses, or sudden and immediate vengeance is sure to come upon our fort and kill us all in some kind of hellish, albatross-plotted way. Also, it creates blood piles everywhere. Also also, who is going to eat that anyway?? Eww...
Signed,
Your panicking overseer
(details here... (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=15096.msg2210170#msg2210170))
Post by: Oliolli on April 22, 2011, 04:35:14 am
To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Fifteen times ten is one-hundred and fifty. One-hundred and fifty candy blocks raise the odds for Fun to about... A lot more than it would be otherwise.
Post by: Cyroth on April 22, 2011, 12:04:51 pm
To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Fifteen times ten is one-hundred and fifty. One-hundred and fifty candy blocks raise the odds for Fun to about... A lot more than it would be otherwise.
There are ways, tough very exploiting ways, that allow you to mine only one tile of candy and still get as much blue stuff as you want.
Post by: TolyK on April 22, 2011, 12:06:53 pm
how exactly?To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Fifteen times ten is one-hundred and fifty. One-hundred and fifty candy blocks raise the odds for Fun to about... A lot more than it would be otherwise.
There are ways, tough very exploiting ways, that allow you to mine only one tile of candy and still get as much blue stuff as you want.
I just need this for one joke fort that's been living for over 30 years...
Post by: Sarda on April 22, 2011, 12:10:05 pm
dear urist mcweaponsmithI'm fairly sure rosegold is better than everything else you listed except maybe steel. The fact that it's a mace and not a hammer sucks, but it's a good weapon.
...rosegold? really man? you were SURROUNDED by steel, silver, iron, pig iron and copper, and what you chose, was rose gold.
now, im not saying that im not happy with the rose gold mace you made...even though we dont currently have a macedwarf in the fort, but really man? you couldnt have picked a better metal?
now before you start making excuses that a demon or ghost possessed you, i call bullshit, i think your just trying to screw with the first macedwarf we get by making me equip him with a pretty purple mace
signed
mildly annoyed oversear.
Post by: Cyroth on April 22, 2011, 12:11:47 pm
how exactly?To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Fifteen times ten is one-hundred and fifty. One-hundred and fifty candy blocks raise the odds for Fun to about... A lot more than it would be otherwise.
There are ways, tough very exploiting ways, that allow you to mine only one tile of candy and still get as much blue stuff as you want.
I just need this for one joke fort that's been living for over 30 years...
Never actually tried that myself, but I have heard it often enough.
One candy bar can be crafted into 25 bolts, every single bolt can be melted for 0.1 or so candy bars.
So if you craft bolts, and melt them again you have turned 1 candy bar into 2.5 bars.
Post by: TolyK on April 22, 2011, 12:15:15 pm
but thanks anyway ;)
Post by: Draignean on April 22, 2011, 12:22:47 pm
I much appreciate your efforts to assault the siege that attacked us, you could have let them walk into the dozens spinning blades but no, you're a rare breed.
Specifically you're the kind of breed that gets hit once in the guts with a hammer, and gets hurled back inside the fortress by the force of the blow. Honestly if you hadn't taken that gut shot and collided with the far wall you'd be dead right now. You're covered in the guts and blood of the aggressors that got sprayed on you from the weapon traps, and you haven't moved in awhile. Get well soon so you can make more of those serrated blades.
Your rather relieved overseer
Post by: Ze Spy on April 22, 2011, 12:49:25 pm
No, fuck you, we don't have any "Tentacle Demon" cabinets here, or any "Tentacle Demon" material for the matter
From
Anal-gesic. Fortress Bookkeeper
Post by: Sarda on April 22, 2011, 12:50:45 pm
Post by: Greiger on April 22, 2011, 10:12:23 pm
Subject: The current combat situation.
See that single, non elite swordsgoblin in the copper armor with a mithril sword? That sword is tearing through your armor like butter. Stop beating on that half dead unarmed goblin and KILL HER! She is tearing the squads apart by herself and nobody is attacking her! She is a DPS! You are attacking a tank! Kill the damn DPS THEN kill the tank. Her armor is practically paper, The armor of the one yer hitting is GCS silk over mithril plate! Sure you are breaking bones, but yer not actually cutting any flesh through that heavy duty silk. How many ways do I need to put this? For fucks sake KILL HER!
The Administration
P.S.
Quote
The Swordsman bites The Goblin Swordsman in the throat, bruising it through the ({small troll fur cloak})!Unorthodox but effective. Thank you for the response.
The Swordsman latches on firmly!
The Swordsman shakes The Goblin Swordsman around by the throat, tearing apart the throat!
A major artery in the throat has been opened by the attack!
Post by: Frango Nicolbidok on April 22, 2011, 10:22:50 pm
FASTER.
Sincerely, Frango Nicolbidok
Post by: Peewee on April 23, 2011, 12:55:15 am
Dear Urist McStrandExtractor,Dear Frango Nicolbidok,
FASTER.
Sincerely, Frango Nicolbidok
I'm givin' her all she's got cap'n!
Sincerely, Urist McStrandExtractor
Post by: MythagoWoods on April 23, 2011, 01:06:12 am
How in Armoks name did you die? I put you out front to guard the gate from the hostile wildlife that like to wander into my fort and maul my dwarves. Instead what did you decide to do? You chased a goat. Now not only did you chase a goat but you chased a goat into the pond. Now not only did you transfer the goat into the pond you then decided to turn to ice in the pond. Screw you.
Sincerly,
Your face palming overseer
Post by: Ghills on April 23, 2011, 10:52:37 am
Thank you for being such a quiet ghost. I know that being smashed at the hands of your own friends in the rush to fend off an ettin had to be traumatic, but we all appreciate your patient and gentle approach to haunting. As a token of appreciation, your slab will be mounted in the main corridor as soon as we can get your name on it.
Have a lovely (and quiet) death,
Your Overseer
Post by: Greiger on April 23, 2011, 12:49:18 pm
I apologize about your son. It is partially my fault he went berserk. He had a strange mood right before last month's seige started and I'm afraid I forgot to check on him.
It is also very unfortunate that you were the closest militia dracon to the craftsshop, forcing you to put down your own son in combat. I sympathize with your pain, a mother having to kill her own son is surely a horrible thing. However...
Quote
The militia commander charges at The Child from behind!Did you have to be so...inefficient about it?
The Child looks surprised by the ferocity of The militia commander's onslaught!
The militia commander slashes The Child in the left wing from behind with her {steel greatsword} and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The militia commander collides with The Child!
The Child is knocked over and tumbles backward!
The Child loses hold of the (water buffalo leather sandal).
The Child loses hold of the (rope reed fiber sock).
The militia commander hacks The Child in the left lower leg from behind with her {steel greatsword} and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The Child loses hold of the (goat leather left mitten).
The Child loses hold of the (alpaca wool left glove).
The militia commander stabs The Child in the left hand from behind with her {steel greatsword} and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The administration.
Post by: Alarion on April 23, 2011, 01:06:31 pm
Though I warned you quite sternly on what would happen if you killed any albatrosses, you went and did it anyway, and now we have a little more than we can deal with on our hands, I'm afraid. In the few months that has passed since the incident, we've been ambushed by illithids, had a kobold try to steal our gem cabinet followed by an illithid baby-snatcher, had a goblin army come and siege us, been attacked by a glass forgotten beast, locked ourselves up only to notice there was no food in the main stockpile resulting in the fortress almost starving to death, then the animals all killed each other, three militiamen bravely charged into a horde of pike-wielding goblins in search of socks, and to top it all off the main drawbridge was set to Retractable rather than Raisable, meaning we now have an open door into our fortress through the gates that is also impossible to close as a single chopped off dog tooth is resting in the main support area of it. Now, I don't mean to blame you for all of this, but if anything more of this sort happens and I could in any way, shape or form construe that it was your fault that it did, I swear to Armok I will have you stripped, dressed again in solely the Long Guts and tallow of that poor albatross you killed and have you thrown from the fortress walls in an attempt to appease the goblin siegers to either go into our trap-filled corridor, leave us be in disgust or at least chase you across the map into the ocean so that I may be rid of seeing your smug, insanity-inducing face every time I go looking for our marksdwarf squad militia commander. If you weren't a Legendary ambusher, commander of our brave marksdwarves, friends with half the fortress and the only one to be able to handle a crossbow with any sort of skill whatsoever, this would all have happened a long time ago. This is your last chance pal, and I mean it. Now go pick up all the feathers of the poor bird as a symbolic punishment, and if I ever catch you doing something like this again... [pictures of horrid things done to scared looking dwarf]... yeah.
Dismissed.
Sincerely, your overseer.
Post by: Quatch on April 23, 2011, 01:56:46 pm
Your friend is also advised to NOT SLEEP IN A WALL that I am ordering constructed to fend off the trolls.
This goes doubly for the THIRD and FOURTH time it happens. You should have learned when I ordered everyone that wasn't asleep back a hall and set the same door closing and wall building orders.
You all deserved it when the game crashed and erased your traitorous sleep.
Post by: TolyK on April 23, 2011, 02:22:42 pm
you have a job over there just so that you get away from that water....
*moves 2 squares*
... well that will do too.
~Administration
Post by: zarokima on April 23, 2011, 03:50:36 pm
Stop getting pissy whenever we need to expand. You have literally hundreds of engraved masterpieces all throughout the fortress, and the extra space made after clearing beyond this wall will allow for even more. If you really care that much, start killing all the damn immigrants.
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: OwlEpicurus on April 24, 2011, 12:18:16 am
I suppose it's a bit late, but please refrain from walking over a pond right before it thaws.
Sincerely,
Your Frustrated Overseer
Dear Urist McMinerTwo,
If you are mining out an area and, due to channeling down into it and then removing the ramp up, are unable to get back to the main part of the fortress until you dig out a path, please do not go on break until after you have cleared a path for yourself. It would be tragic to see you die of dehydration because you are unable to reach the drink stockpile. Especially when you have not yet dug a ramp next to the pond to recover Urist McMinerOne's body and possessions, meaning that your death would leave the fortress without an accessible pick.
Sincerely,
Your Very Frustrated Overseer
Post by: Greiger on April 24, 2011, 09:16:46 am
You know that disk trap that had the goblin corpse lodged in it? I am aware that it is your job to remove the corpse to allow the trap to function.
I would appreciate it however, if in the future you waited til one of the doctors moved the wounded soldier unconscious on the trap before you reactivated it. Fortunately the soldier's armor protected him, because I am rather fond of this particular soldier. He even has a nickname. Be glad I don't know which one of you morons cleaned that trap after I forbid it.
The administration
Post by: Horizon9 on April 24, 2011, 10:14:27 am
Keep up the good job. Production is going smoothly, and we have enough plants and booze to last us for a while. All of you, except for a certain someone, are making me proud.
Dear Urist McSomeone,
Why can't you be like everyone else? Are you intentionally working inefficiently just because I changed your job? I have no need for a wood burner, we haven't found anything we can smelt yet.
Get better at your job and maybe I won't do unpleasant things to you for your insolence.
Post by: quintilius on April 24, 2011, 10:34:30 am
We know you're a badass - the thread adorning your body and the prodigious list of kills are a testament to that. It was one thing when you adopted that duck... but please leave your children at home when there are poison breathing giant ticks at your patrol site. I know you've managed, somehow, to keep that damned duck alive (how i dont know) but that shouldnt be misconstrued as proof of your ability to shepherd your little minions through any travail. I gave them rooms of their own and i made toy forges for them to play with - I'd appreciate it if you left them with 1 of the dozen or so morons partying at the lion cage the next time we have a military alert.
-the management
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 24, 2011, 10:59:24 am
If dwarven science can build perpetual motion machines and forges made of ice, why can't you build ice mechanisms?
Sadly sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: jaxy15 on April 24, 2011, 11:02:25 am
You were armed.
Come on.
Think of a more creative way to kill a freaking asp, rather than just chomp it's head off.
Post by: billybobfred on April 24, 2011, 11:08:37 am
Re: Your JOB, you fool!
Why aren't you butchering that perfectly good cavy sow corpse that Urist McHunter brought back just now?
Oh, you're on break?
FEY MOODS DON'T TAKE BREAKS.
To: Urist McLegendary Cook
Re: McButcher's job, that fool
You do it. I don't care anymore, it just needs to be done.
What "needs unrotten butcherable nearby item"? It's not rotten. It's IN the shop. Are you telling me cavies can't be butchered?
To: Urist McFey
Re: Your mood
please don't go insane please don't go insane please don't go insane
To: the 12 dwarfs just sitting around with their beards up their asses
Re: proper meat storage procedure
Take the food. Out of the shop. And put it in the stockpile.
THIS IS NOT HARD.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 24, 2011, 12:34:27 pm
Please do not go on break yet. We need the bridge, buildings, metal stuff, and mines to be finished at some time soon. see that nice dining room you're loitering in? that will attract goblins, etc. GET TO WORK, MORONS!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: DrKillPatient on April 24, 2011, 12:50:21 pm
Thank you for being so courteous as to run off slaughtering wild deer while all 123 of my dwarves safely party inside. I especially appreciate your Voracious Cave Crawler's efforts in destroying my pumps from the river, which, after some three months of effort, resulted in half your army being crushed against a wall, thrown into the moat, and eventually drowned by the highly pressurized water released from said device.
One thing annoys me, hovever: Your surviving companions are not admiring the finely crafted rows of *larch cage*s that I've placed in my entrance, instead opting to smash my pumpstack in a futile attempt at drowning themselves again.
- Invisible Sky Guy
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 24, 2011, 02:16:33 pm
...if you used some of the braincells Armok gave you and not embark in the middle of an iced over 50tile wide major river...Any chance you have the save?
Dear Urist McLastDwarfInTheFort,
Build the depot, haul crap there, trade, chat with the liason, THEN get to your other work.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McEngraver,
Take a break from engraving bedroom walls, and carve out those darn memorial slabs!
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: ledgekindred on April 24, 2011, 04:39:01 pm
sigh. I should have forseen that you would have made a beeline for one of the brand-new forged adamantium wafers as soon as you went into your mood. Alas, I didn't think of it and neglected to forbid it and, sure enough - bam - next thing I know, 15% of our total adamantium supply is on the way towards making you not go bonkers.
Still, thanks. Thanks so very much for making a bloody ring out of it. Ok it's worth three quarters of a million dorfbucks, but couldn't you have made something I could have used? A door? A floodgate? A statue? Even a bin? Or Armok forbid something unusual like a bed? But noooooo, you took a chunk of adamantium, milled it down to next-to-nothing, wrapped some bloody yarn around it and called it a success.
Now it's going to sit in my artifact room and gather dust since nobody will be able to do anything with it.
I'd chuck you into some magma, except that a) a legendary metalcrafter is just marginally useful and b) I can't be arsed to go through the effort.
Yrs irritatedly (at himself as well)
Supreme Overlord and Omniscient Overseer
Post by: Draignean on April 24, 2011, 05:03:03 pm
I am deeply glad that you went into a mood recently, I am doubly glad that i was able to get you to accept steel, rubies, and saphires for you creation. Now for the part where I am in some consternation.
Why in Armok's name did you make a boot out of it? One boot, honestly what dwarf in his right mind is going to going to walk into battle with a normal boot on one foot and your saphire and ruby encrusted bling boot on the other?
You couldn't have made a helm, or greaves, or a shield, or heaven forbid some form of real body armor?
-The overseer that has you working triple overtime now.
Post by: shadenight123 on April 24, 2011, 05:20:33 pm
i'm writing this letter and burning it, so you in the afterlife can read it. It wasn't a difficult task, the last human guard of the caravan luckily survived the trap and didn't fell down to his death, so you just had to fill him with HOLES from your CROSSBOWS which were made of STEEL and you had MASTERWORK bone BOLTS. and quivers. and backpacks, and even amok-damn flask. SO WHY, in amok's name, did you decide to reach the SPEARMAN in a 1VS1 FIGHT of MELEE to the death!? WHY!? i WANT ANSWERS! and i want them now!
Sincerely, the overseer who lost 5 dwarfs for Dwarfen intelligence (aka stupidity).
Ps: poor little mcurist baby wants his mother...since he has no dad, he died of thirst. He's coming back to you.
PPS: i didn't leave your corpse to rot outside, even though it would have been a right punishment. you're in gold sarcophagi, in the memorial hall. Next time, i'm throwing you in the dump.
Yes, in the dump with the refuse.
Post by: Elanorea on April 24, 2011, 05:54:58 pm
I would like to remind you that, in your next life, if you are channelling through an aquifer in freezing weather, it is highly inadvisable to jump into the channel while working.
Yours sincerely,
the Overseer
PS. Don't even think about coming to haunt the fortress. We cannot dig out your body since our last mining pick is now encased in a solid block of ice along with it, and we have no stone to craft a memorial slab because you failed to channel through the aquifer.
Post by: Sutremaine on April 24, 2011, 08:15:45 pm
Why aren't you butchering that perfectly good cavy sow corpse that Urist McHunter brought back just now?Any cavy is too small to yield anything but a skull, and anything that small won't get touched by the butcher. They'll slaughter one just fine and take the skull, but not if it's already a corpse.
It's a bit daft really.
Post by: Deus Machina on April 24, 2011, 11:10:24 pm
Thanks for being one of three in the first immigration wave to Shotunion! Congratulations to being promoted to militia captain as soon as you were within earshot for the nearest dwarf to yell that information at you.
Still, when we accept immigrants, we expect some labor. You came in the door, ignored your armor, claimed a bedroom and a barrel of dwarven wine, and immediately went on break with hardly a hello, and refuse any labor.
So, when I designate a pit for Cave Cat #1 to be released into the caverns, I expected McDoctor or McCarpenter to comb the cat, open the cavern gate, wish it luck, and set it on its feet.
What I did not expect was for you to choose this job as your first, spring from your seat the split-urist I relayed the order, snatch the nearest kitten by the nape, charge full speed down the stairs to the caverns, and use the momentum to bodily heave the poor feline from the top of the 5-level wall, remain to watch it land, then go sprinting back to your drink.
We're a small, close group here in Shotunion, Urist, and we worry about you. We really do.
Keeping you under observation,
the overseer.
Post by: Manae on April 24, 2011, 11:29:11 pm
The path out of the fortress is open. My best engineers assure me the depot is accessible to prove it. I even waited until the siege lines were scattered and broken so you could leave on your own instead of offering you a wooden bin to chase you off after trading you for what I wanted.
Would you kindly stop crawling around in circles dragging your prone animals behind you and just leave?
Your aimless wandering is killing my frame rate.
Take my stone crap and leave,
The Overlord
PS: If you aren't gone by next month, I'm getting the magma.
Post by: Deus Machina on April 25, 2011, 12:55:51 am
I'm curious what you did to get a panda to charge you.
You are redeemed, however, in that you deftly dodged out of the way and punched it in the toe hard enough to render it unconscious.
You will make a good mayor.
Post by: MasterMorality on April 25, 2011, 09:14:27 am
Dear Urist McQuestionableWithAnimals,
Thanks for being one of three in the first immigration wave to Shotunion! Congratulations to being promoted to militia captain as soon as you were within earshot for the nearest dwarf to yell that information at you.
Still, when we accept immigrants, we expect some labor. You came in the door, ignored your armor, claimed a bedroom and a barrel of dwarven wine, and immediately went on break with hardly a hello, and refuse any labor.
So, when I designate a pit for Cave Cat #1 to be released into the caverns, I expected McDoctor or McCarpenter to comb the cat, open the cavern gate, wish it luck, and set it on its feet.
What I did not expect was for you to choose this job as your first, spring from your seat the split-urist I relayed the order, snatch the nearest kitten by the nape, charge full speed down the stairs to the caverns, and use the momentum to bodily heave the poor feline from the top of the 5-level wall, remain to watch it land, then go sprinting back to your drink.
We're a small, close group here in Shotunion, Urist, and we worry about you. We really do.
Keeping you under observation,
the overseer.
This actually made me lol. Quite a lot.
Post by: Draignean on April 25, 2011, 10:31:35 am
As one of the last members of the starting seven, an axelord, and the man who held back seven goblins long enough for the civilians to evacuate, I am very fond of you. I have a few problems with you.
1. Please stop banning the export of our primary trade good, I realize you like steel a lot but we are a metalworking settlement. Masterwork arms and armor are our primary stock and trade.
2. Stop falling in ponds. You've managed so far to only hit ponds that I've already drained and thus were only sidelined from the battle but one of these days it's going to be full.
3. Stop falling in love with kittens, the last three have followed you into battle and have suffered various grisly fates. The last one is still wandering around the fortress with its lower spine broken.
4. Stop having babies, you'll only be sad when you use them as a shield at the next siege.
5. Stop when I say stop, not pause for a few seconds and then keep chasing whatever shagnasty you've caught sight of. The medical team has done the best they can but your fate is still a little chancy after all those burns.
Your frustrated and amused overseer
Post by: narhiril on April 25, 2011, 10:57:27 am
If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.
Sincerely,
The one building another burial chamber.
Post by: Kogut on April 25, 2011, 11:28:51 am
Dear Urist McRecruit.
If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.
Sincerely,
The one building another burial chamber.
Dear McNarhiril
d-b-f
Sincerely,
the ghostly recruit.
Post by: narhiril on April 25, 2011, 11:42:17 am
Dear Urist McRecruit.
If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.
Sincerely,
The one building another burial chamber.
Dear McNarhiril
d-b-f
Sincerely,
the ghostly recruit.
Yeah, I know, I usually catch them, but sometimes one slips through.
Post by: Fahgo on April 25, 2011, 12:13:47 pm
Following your parents to the front gate to watch them clear the grisley remains of a few goblin snatchers from our traps wasnt particularly daft as long as you remained on the safe side of said traps. walking outside wasnt such a good idea. what was even less of a good idea was, upon discovering a goblin spearman ambush, to start legging it further outside STRAIGHT PAST 2 OF THEM.
you were 2 squares away from safety! you could of done the fort a benefit by leading them to their doom! but noooo... you've chosen suicide. at least the marksdwarves will get some practice on live targets. you might survive... but frankly you're too stupid for me to care.
your facepalming overlord
Post by: shadenight123 on April 25, 2011, 01:43:23 pm
Stop it.
You snatched away an artifact, making the creator tantrum. Luckily he was in his own bedroom, so closing the door avoided the death of someone. I had to place him at rest however, so please, avoid stealing other artifacts. don't you see we have a LOT of stones? grab one of them.
And remember, i'm calling them...
if there's something strange...in the neighbourhood...who you gonna call?! the mason/craftdwarf busters!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 25, 2011, 04:49:29 pm
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: shadenight123 on April 25, 2011, 04:53:52 pm
Dear Urist McCook,
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear ovrsr,
you cannot stop my cooking art! next time, forbid me from using the booze. But that would make me sad. You don't wanna see the cook sad right?
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 25, 2011, 04:57:20 pm
A. I expected you to stop before you cooked ALL of it. Aside from seeds, booze is the most common food source we have. WHY do you cook DOZENS of drinks and a couple of spare seeds into roasts?Dear Urist McCook,
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear ovrsr,
you cannot stop my cooking art! next time, forbid me from using the booze. But that would make me sad. You don't wanna see the cook sad right?
B. Get to work on brewing more booze. I will stop you from cooking it this time.
Also, "Ovrsr' is short for "Overseer." Please refer to me by my full title; the abbreviation is for brevity and my peers.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
(That last part wasn't aimed at you, shadeknight; I was saying that to the "dwarf" who ignored formality.)
Dear Urist McMechanic,
Why were you even outside? I told you to link up a lever to a bridge. The lever, the bridge, and your workshop are nowhere near where you were when you were "interrupted by a honey badger". WHY were you there?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. It helps if you run TOWARDS the fort.
Dear Urist McUselessthresher,
First off, what do threshers even do?
Second off. when I station you on a bridge, stand on the bridge.
Third off, if I assign you back to a burrow after you left to eat and drink, go there.
Fourth off, can you catch up to that cheetah?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear cheetah,
Don't worry. That thresher? Can't fight worth a lick. It was only my desire to execute him in a more fabulous manner that saved him from those lions. You can take him. Kill him for me, and you'll be lauded as a beast who took care of one of the more annoying threats this fort has had to deal with! That stupid honey badger already left, so obviously I'm referring to the thresher.
GWG.
Dear Urist McNewthresher,
Help out Urist McUselesthresher. That is all.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urists McMilitia,
I wish lions had been here instead of that cheetah. Go station yourselves on that bridge.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McWrestler,
Congrats on your promotion from Urist McRecruit, and formerly from Urist McMigrantThresher. This should make your bare-knuckles boxing with the jaguar more interesting.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McBadass,
Congrats on your promotion from Urist McWrestler. Now go kill that lion...
GWG
Dear Urist McStilluselessthresher,
Hurry up and kill one of those big cats! Or starve and dehydrate trying!
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Finwane, Lion:
If you kill Urist McStillUselessThresher, I'll help you choose a better name than you got from killing Urist McMigrantthreser-excuse me, Urist McBadass, he punched a jaguar to death, sorry. Good job, though.
Dear Urist McStilluselessthresher,
Your ability to discern what a stupid situation is has caused me to check to see if a...flaw in the universe's laws is still active. If so, you will live eternally in the volcano, never aging, never starving, watching other useless dwarves plunge past you. (Or maybe not. Extinct dwarves might mean only the two migrant waves. Ah well.) If it does not still work that way, then you will burn to death. Pick your poison.
And, if you die, next life, choose a USEFUL profession.
GWG.
Dear Urist McMason,
Please build those coffins and slabs for the soldiers that died fighting big cats or falling into the volcano.
Post by: Renzuko on April 25, 2011, 07:26:33 pm
Post by: jaxy15 on April 26, 2011, 01:04:05 am
Come on, you have 2 copper axes available.
Don't use the freaking iron battleaxe saved for our military.
Post by: TolyK on April 26, 2011, 08:16:58 am
EAT MY FIRE!
~Overseer
Post by: Bdthemag on April 26, 2011, 07:13:33 pm
Please stop training during sieges, seriously.
Post by: JmzLost on April 27, 2011, 02:16:26 am
Congratulations on your promotion to the head of squad b, The Furious Boots. After consulting with our militia captain, we decided to place all of the
Sincerely,
Your Benevolent Overlord
Dear Benevolent Overlord,
We are concerned about us constantly referring to ourselves in the third person plural. Please look into using first person singular pronouns. Also, please stop talking to ourselves, we are concerned for our sanity.
Sincerely,
The Voices in Our Head
Post by: iwog on April 27, 2011, 04:00:14 am
I know you and I both take great delight in you killing Water Buffalo with ≡Water Buffalo Bone Bolts≡ but please for the love of Amok when you run out of ammo club the dam thing to death.
I currently have 3 half dead beasts vomiting and retching upon their unconscious bodies I do not need a 4th. They’ve been there for 3 seasons now and they’re starting to freak out the haulers as they transfer everything to the new fort.
Sincerely
The Unseen Hand.
PS. If you manage to thin down the population of badgers I promise you’ll get and actual tomb and not just a plaque on the wall when you eventually die due to some siege or something.
Post by: Nilik on April 27, 2011, 08:13:50 am
I know you wanted bone for your artifact, which is why I butchered a horse, a pig and a goat for you, but apparently this still wasn't enough bone. I don't know what the hell you're trying to make, but frankly we've already got two very experienced bone crafters and I just can't bring myself to care about your plight. If you could just go insane quietly without disturbing important dwarves, I'd appreciate it. Your coffin is ready by the way.
Sincerely,
Urist McOverseer.
Post by: ledgekindred on April 27, 2011, 11:24:41 am
I would like to say I appreciate what you do for us by possessing, feying and secretifying my dorfs to go get inspired and make some relic for our fort. Except I don't appreciate it. Why don't I appreciate it? Let me tell you why I don't appreciate it:
2 figurines
2 scepters
no less than 10 pieces of jewelry
a piccolo
one steel boot
a cloak
three coats
one ... seriously here ... one leather thong (really, w.t.f.)
What useful thing have you made for me out of all these artifacts?
One gold table.
One steel battleaxe.
At least the table makes my baron happy. And yes, an artifact steel battleaxe is pretty close to the pinnacle of useful artifacts, except I do have to express my disappointment that you possessed the manufacturer, and so I was left with a still only mediocre weaponsmith.
Everything else you've made for me? Not so much.
And really ... a thong? I just ... I mean ... I ... I can't ... really??? What in the name of Armok am I suppose to do with an artifact thong?!?
Next time you feel like short-circuiting one of my dorfs into some kind of autistic obsession, can you please pick something useful to make. Like another axe. A barrel. A door. Anything that isn't going to sit in my artifact room gathering dust.
Yrs
Omniscient and All-powerful Overseer
Post by: Necro910 on April 27, 2011, 11:43:54 am
And really ... a thong? I just ... I mean ... I ... I can't ... really??? What in the name of Armok am I suppose to do with an artifact thong?!?What do you think ;D
Post by: MasterMorality on April 27, 2011, 11:59:34 am
You are one of our best warriors it seems, with twenty four notable kills under your belt. You are also in charge of looking after the funds and stocks.
You just went into a mood and claimed a clothiers shop. You bought with you
Arachna Silk cloth
Rough Smoky Quartzes - two
Moss Agates
Bronze bars
Mudstone blocks
What in the world do you intend to make at a clothiers shop with all of that!? Mud stone blocks!? Bronze bars!?
I can't wait to see what you come up with, but I am somewhat concerned about your apparent lack of knowledge in the Physics department.
Intrigued,
The Overlord.
_________
Dear Gamo,
A SOCK!? A fucking sock!?
Right:
The arachna silk is great, you've got that down.
Encrusting it with Moss agate and mudstone seems very counter productive. Who is going to feel comfortable wearing this?
The hanging rings of bronze and smoky quartz - IT'S A SOCK. IT DOESN'T NEED HANGING RINGS! IT'S NOT HANGING!
'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
I do however like the fact that you have taken the opportunity to reference one of our earlier artefacts, even if it is that goddamned iron fishbarrel that all the engravers are so rabidly adoring of, and so engrave one in every ten pictures of the same damned barrel, never mind the fact that there are now four other artefacts in the fortress they can lust after.
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Seriously amused,
Your Overlord.
Post by: ledgekindred on April 27, 2011, 12:28:32 pm
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?
Post by: Vorthon on April 27, 2011, 12:29:21 pm
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?
Sigged.
Post by: Oliolli on April 27, 2011, 01:05:26 pm
'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
Dear Overlord.
As far as I know (as I have very little knowledge from the world of trees) it is a tree.
-Gamo
Post by: MasterMorality on April 27, 2011, 02:13:51 pm
'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
Dear Overlord.
As far as I know (as I have very little knowledge from the world of trees) it is a tree.
-Gamo
Gamo,
Ah, alright. Carry on then.
Still amused,
Overlord.
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?
My mind. It is ruined by the image of a dwarf wearing an extremely expensive condom.
Why have you done this to me!?
Post by: Ascarona on April 27, 2011, 02:39:11 pm
Why, oh why, can't you build the piece of wall on the right side of said wall? After having to cancel and reïnitiate the construction 10x and failing every time because of your actions the ungodly demons of hell have now run over the entire fortress and are also munching on the remains of your family. I do hope you have an explanation for all of this, or at least a solution to stop them immediately, because this is where I draw the line and (rage)quit.
On behalf of riverstoned, thank you very much.
-A very pissed off overseer.
Post by: Kogut on April 27, 2011, 03:56:11 pm
b-C-w in forbidden place, then q-s over blocker, then b-C-w for real wall
Intrigued,
voices in your head.
Post by: Tahlin on April 27, 2011, 04:04:37 pm
I send you this message in hasty anger, in hope that you will take care of it all without problems. First of all, your doing a good job on the garbage removal, but only in the bedrooms... Could you understand that rat remains are as smelly anywhere in the fortress as the bedrooms? Next, When I order you to make some charcoal, i shouldn't have to tell you that your job is to do that, one of you are meant to do it. No problems. And next, I want this part of the note put outside the fortress. If your a migrant, DO NOT come here with the most useful jobs ever, I DON'T NEED SOAP MAKERS! /Love Tahlin
Post by: Baron Baconeer on April 27, 2011, 04:17:26 pm
'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
Dear Overlord.
As far as I know (as I have very little knowledge from the world of trees) it is a tree.
-Gamo
Gamo,
Ah, alright. Carry on then.
Still amused,
Overlord.
Not just any tree, an EVIL tree.
--Urist Mclearned
Post by: MasterMorality on April 27, 2011, 04:17:48 pm
There are at the moment around three or four of you idling with no reason. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't mind so much.
However, we have just repelled an invasion and several ambushes - yes it's that time of year again. I expect we'll see more.
The only person even interested in recovering the wounded so far is one of the soldier who was in the battle! How many of you went out today and killed three invaders and then attempted to recover the wounded, despite having your right arm cut open?
Those few: You're not idle, you're shifting bodies, move it! If I don't see action, you're joining the cavern guard!
The rest of you: You can stop dumping rocks for a second and help where it matters.
Mildly irritated,
The Overlord.
(I'm playing as my modded race, but I keep calling them 'dwarves' gah!)
Post by: imperium3 on April 27, 2011, 05:13:14 pm
Yes, killing that giant feathery dinosaur was a mighty achievement and one that our military can be proud of. However, could we please stop patting each other on the back and remove its rotting corpse from the dining room?
Regards,
The Management.
Post by: Korva on April 27, 2011, 05:52:24 pm
Will someone for the love of all that's holy to you pick up that soldier with the broken spine, hip and leg and get her to hospital already? Stop idling and help that poor sod who risked her life for you all She even tried to keep fighting after getting mauled, that's what I call true dwarven spirit. You're perfectly happy to bring her food and water, so I know you're now total bastards. Get on with it! So help me, I'm going to throw some walls and a roof around her and declare it an emergency hospital. If she gets an infection and dies because it's taking ages to get your arses out of the booze kegs, someone will pay.
Unkind regards,
Your pissed-off overmind.
Post by: ledgekindred on April 27, 2011, 06:00:32 pm
One of your kind just got ripped to shreds by one of our war badgers and another had his brain punched out by one of our children. Quit trying to act tough and sneak into the fort. If you manage to get past the babies and small furry animals, you're only going to wind up in a cage trap and become target practice. So just cut it out.
Dear Urist McScaredies,
Did you notice that a child just punched to death of one of those filthy trogs? There is no legitimate reason to run off scared when you see one. Just punch or bite it a few times and it'll fall to pieces. Get over it and get back to work, 'k?
Yrs Haughtily,
Fearless and Omnipotent Overseer
Post by: billybobfred on April 27, 2011, 06:50:20 pm
"Evil tree"? Talk about redundant.'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
Dear Overlord.
As far as I know (as I have very little knowledge from the world of trees) it is a tree.
-Gamo
Gamo,
Ah, alright. Carry on then.
Still amused,
Overlord.
Not just any tree, an EVIL tree.
--Urist Mclearned
Urist McDendrophobic
Post by: PresidentEvil on April 27, 2011, 09:34:10 pm
Urist, we need to talk. When I first assigned you to mine out a small hill, I was pretty confident that you could knock the task out in no time, and we'd be able to refill our flux stockpile for the steelworks.
What I'm a little fuzzy on, however, is this: The hill was only one z-level tall. You were ordered to mine out that z-level. Nothing above it, and no channeling involved.
How, then, did you manage to cause a major cave-in, outside, despite absolutely no rock being above you? And how did you manage to be standing directly underneath these apparently invisible chunks of rock when they fell to earth?
The mind boggles.
Vale,
Your Overlord
Post by: Greiger on April 27, 2011, 10:15:43 pm
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Post by: fallofthechosen on April 28, 2011, 07:07:44 am
I understand that when I drafted you to the military, and said your uniform replaces your clothing, you had to take your current clothes off. I also understand that since I wasn't paying attention, you took them off in a doorway. That was my fault really. But since this doorway is used to route traffic quickly for enabling and disabling my danger room repeater, I really need to have it unblocked before more
babies/pets/civilians/anyoneunarmoredtryingtoentombcorpses get impaled on training spears. I gave you a room, as I do all dwarves. A nice one at that. I even gave you multiple dressers and chests, more than ample storage space really. In fact, I even took you out of active duty rotation, just for the sake of giving you a chance to move your clothes to your room, so for the love of Armok, PICK UP YOUR D*** PANTS!
Signed,
Your annoyed Overseer.
*Every other dwarf in my fortress goes and puts their clothes in their room once I give them storage space, but this guy refuses to pick up his clothes. They aren't forbidden. I even removed him from the military temporarily, but he just drops his uniform and runs around naked, leaving his clothes there.*
Post by: PresidentEvil on April 28, 2011, 07:21:36 am
To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Dear Tree-Hating Dragonfolk,
We are on a glacier. So probably not. Besides, as I may not have made clear initially, I merely assigned him to hollow out a hill that had tasty, delicious flux in it. So there's that too.
Thanks anyway,
Oversser PresidentEvil
Post by: shadenight123 on April 28, 2011, 07:24:21 am
truly...why? i mean. you are one armed, and mad.
you are in a layer of cavern that to reach i had to order the diggers from the reclaim to clean.
But still...why?, why? why do you manage to butcher each and every single one of my warriors? i understand you love your floodgates, but let me reclaim the fortress!!!
sincerely, the overseer. Who will now begin magma operations to snuff you out.
Post by: Kogut on April 28, 2011, 07:46:06 am
*Every other dwarf in my fortress goes and puts their clothes in their room once I give them storage space, but this guy refuses to pick up his clothes. They aren't forbidden. I even removed him from the military temporarily, but he just drops his uniform and runs around naked, leaving his clothes there.*
Dear Urist Mcfallofthechosen,
muhhahahahahahah.
signed,
bug 2481.
Post by: Shook on April 28, 2011, 08:37:18 am
Salutations, fellow overseer PresidentEvil!To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Dear Tree-Hating Dragonfolk,
We are on a glacier. So probably not. Besides, as I may not have made clear initially, I merely assigned him to hollow out a hill that had tasty, delicious flux in it. So there's that too.
Thanks anyway,
Oversser PresidentEvil
Natural walls always have floors above them, and mining does not remove these. Thus, if you mine out ALL walls in the hill, the ceiling will collapse and kill just as well as any wall. Urist McMinerton found out the hard way.
Kind regards,
Shook McOverseer
Post by: Necro910 on April 28, 2011, 10:35:24 am
Dear Overseer Shook, President Evil, and Grieger Link:Salutations, fellow overseer PresidentEvil!To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Dear Tree-Hating Dragonfolk,
We are on a glacier. So probably not. Besides, as I may not have made clear initially, I merely assigned him to hollow out a hill that had tasty, delicious flux in it. So there's that too.
Thanks anyway,
Oversser PresidentEvil
Natural walls always have floors above them, and mining does not remove these. Thus, if you mine out ALL walls in the hill, the ceiling will collapse and kill just as well as any wall. Urist McMinerton found out the hard way.
Kind regards,
Shook McOverseer
Use. More. Magma.
With magma,
Overseer Necro.
Post by: billybobfred on April 28, 2011, 11:28:28 am
CC: Miners' Guild of every other fort everywhere
Re: Thirst and the proper handling thereof
If you find yourself beginning to grow thirsty, please take some time out to get a drink. If you find that you've mined yourself into an inescapable hole, please check to see if you can make a passageway from your current location to the booze stockpiles. I never deliberately order my miners to dig themselves into an oubliette, so this should not be a difficult task.
Don't just keep mining at random until you die. That's just dumb.
This goes double if you're legendary.
Post by: Necro910 on April 28, 2011, 11:43:24 am
To: Miners' Guild of Frozenamuses"FrozenAmuses".
CC: Miners' Guild of every other fort everywhere
Re: Thirst and the proper handling thereof
If you find yourself beginning to grow thirsty, please take some time out to get a drink. If you find that you've mined yourself into an inescapable hole, please check to see if you can make a passageway from your current location to the booze stockpiles. I never deliberately order my miners to dig themselves into an oubliette, so this should not be a difficult task.
Don't just keep mining at random until you die. That's just dumb.
This goes double if you're legendary.
Oh the irony.
Post by: PresidentEvil on April 28, 2011, 11:53:41 am
Salutations, fellow overseer PresidentEvil!To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Dear Tree-Hating Dragonfolk,
We are on a glacier. So probably not. Besides, as I may not have made clear initially, I merely assigned him to hollow out a hill that had tasty, delicious flux in it. So there's that too.
Thanks anyway,
Oversser PresidentEvil
Natural walls always have floors above them, and mining does not remove these. Thus, if you mine out ALL walls in the hill, the ceiling will collapse and kill just as well as any wall. Urist McMinerton found out the hard way.
Kind regards,
Shook McOverseer
Hail, and Well Met, Shook!
Except, I didn't actually order him to remove the entire hill. I only had him dig out the rich, flux center, leaving the boring outer shell intact. How Urist managed to collapse the hill nonetheless is a feat of stupidity that may in fact be impossible for more sane, or intelligent, individuals, to comprehend. Therefore, aside from an aside that the sacrifice of one newbie miner and copper pick was more than worth enough flux to fuel the steelworks for the next half a year, I shall speak no more on the matter. That way lies madness.
With Fond Bemusement,
Overseer PresidentEvil
Post by: Shook on April 28, 2011, 01:34:07 pm
You can find me dug down in my own backyard, because i feel dumb enough to bury myself in a hole.
Yours truly,
Shook McFailedassumption
And on a different note...
Dear Urist McReloadcagetrap,
I know it's important to keep the traps loaded, but wading out into a goblin ambush probably wasn't the best idea you ever had. Then again, you did manage to lure them into the deadly serrated steel disks. You should've seen the looks on their faces! Especially that face they made while falling down a very deep pit with several limbs and internal organs missing. A perfect blend of "oh god i'm going to die horribly" and "man i am glad it's over soon". The bottom room also got a nice new paint job. All thanks to your braindead escapades!
Yours still laughing,
Time controlling X in the sky
Post by: Deus Machina on April 28, 2011, 03:13:18 pm
We have a goblin snatcher running around on the surface level of the fortress. When I designate the military to kill him and anyone else to lift all the accesses so he can't run away with Urist McSackbaby, that is not the time for all of you to run outside and organize a company game of Red Rover across the north bridge.
Dear Urists McWoundedhaulers,
Thanks for breaking away from your booze and woodcutting and hauling in our fresh batch of broken-legged dwarves.
I know we're short on beds in the hospital and don't have enough for all the injured dwarves yet, but we do have two more than you actually used. Can you not see how it's kind of inappropriate to lay a few miners into beds, diagnose them, then dump the others into a pile in the corner? I'm sure that isn't doing their setting bones any good.
Dear Mason's Guild of Shotunion,
Some of you are also members of the miner's guild, and thus incapacitated. If you return to work in a timely manner, rather than lounge around until the last scratch on your thumb is gone, there's a new masterwork cabinet in it for all of you.
The masons that aren't, however, need to get to work. I designated that tables be made, top priority, so the miners can be operated on and put into traction, and you're all doing everything but making tables. Fishing, hauling, woodcutting, and when I tell you not to do it at all anymore, you rush off for a drink rather than making tables.
Hell, a few of you are 'on break' and just lounging around in the dining room. There is a rotting donkey corpse in there. Yes, I told someone to dump it, and it's still in there long enough that it bloated up and burst.
How is chilling out next to a rotting donkey corpse more important than making tables?
Post by: Ascarona on April 28, 2011, 03:31:46 pm
Dear selfproclaimed Genius Leader,What a revelation! I don't know where that voice came from but maybe I AM a genius!?!
b-C-w in forbidden place, then q-s over blocker, then b-C-w for real wall
Intrigued,
voices in your head.
The world will burn with my new knowledge 8).
Post by: Dakk on April 28, 2011, 03:48:22 pm
I know you're probably the spirit of that silly leatherworker who couldn't complete his artifact despite having every material he was screaming for availiable in nearby stockpiles. Please stop being a jerk and pick up those materials I mined AND acquired just for you. No, I don't care about that clothier, so you either complete the artifact or gb2 hell.
Enjoy dying a melancholic death again.
Yours truly,
The dwarfmind.
Post by: Kogut on April 28, 2011, 03:52:49 pm
I posted it in this thread 3 times (or more :))Dear selfproclaimed Genius Leader,What a revelation! I don't know where that voice came from but maybe I AM a genius!?!
b-C-w in forbidden place, then q-s over blocker, then b-C-w for real wall
Intrigued,
voices in your head.
The world will burn with my new knowledge 8).
Post by: monkeydancer on April 28, 2011, 03:54:46 pm
When fighting that crundle next to a magma pool, could it not have crossed your mind that maybe getting hit is just slightly better than diving right into the magma?
Post by: INSANEcyborg on April 28, 2011, 03:55:59 pm
First, I appreciate how fast you responded to your orders. I'd appreciate it more however, if you actually went to the right place. When I station you in a room, I want you IN the room, not in the doorway.
Second, I meant "drop everything" literally. I am sorry for interrupting your drink, but please leave the barrel in the stockpile. Don't take it with you and leave it at your post. Especially when it blocks open the previously mentioned door.
Third, I gave you a training sword for a reason. To train with. It's not meant to be lethal. You were supposed to chase some animals around while trying to hit them. Bashing their skulls in, while amusing, was not what I had in mind.
Post by: Deus Machina on April 28, 2011, 09:38:41 pm
I set that catapult up to sling some rocks at those goblins on the other side of the moat because I can't spare the time to make enough ballista ammunition.
No, I don't care that all the parts were hasty and badly made. You're somehow firing those stones in a direction the machine isn't even facing.
Hell, I could go out there with a hammer and a rope and cobble a catapult together myself, and still be ale to toss some rocks north like I told you to, not east-with-a-northward-drift-because-of-the-wind.
Get it together before we build a bridge instead, and send you over.
Dear sow badger with anger management problems,
Please, tell me what we did to you. Did we drop something on your kits (pups? Whelps? What the heck is a baby badger, anyway?) or eat your husband or something?
The only thing we ever hear from you is 'Sow badger has become enraged!' whenever a dwarf is even within sight from the hill, and every one of the woodcutters on that side of the moat drops their axe and runs home in a bawling pants-soiling panic. And you've never even actually bitten at any of us.
Please, let us clear this up. We'll be glad to send over Urist McNoviceSiegeOperator to keep you company, and you can both take your chances.
Post by: MythagoWoods on April 28, 2011, 10:00:08 pm
Badger babies are called cubs and YOU TRAMPLED THEM ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR "fort"! FEEL MY BADGERY RAGE!
Hugs and kisses,
Ms. Badger Sow
Post by: Sarda on April 28, 2011, 10:10:58 pm
Dear Possessed clothier #3.You're aware of the different types of cloth- plant, animal, and... er... something else I forget and am too lazy to look up on the wiki? Anyways, dorfs want one type. If they want plant fiber, they will not accept, say, wool. Did you make sure to giver him multiple types?
I know you're probably the spirit of that silly leatherworker who couldn't complete his artifact despite having every material he was screaming for availiable in nearby stockpiles. Please stop being a jerk and pick up those materials I mined AND acquired just for you. No, I don't care about that clothier, so you either complete the artifact or gb2 hell.
Enjoy dying a melancholic death again.
Yours truly,
The dwarfmind.
Post by: Renzuko on April 28, 2011, 10:51:31 pm
f*ck you, you killed all my dwarves, over some badger intestines, there was badger's conga lining about 20 blocks away
signed annoyed no longer overseer
Post by: Sidhien on April 29, 2011, 01:10:02 am
Those monkeys I wanted transferred were supposed to be used to train our military. Please stop beating them to death as soon as you take them out of their cage.
(somewhat later)
Good animal handlers of Bendworked,
I hope this missive finds you well. After the incident where you slaughtered all our training monkeys one by one I have decided on a compromise: those monkeys where meant for the military, yet you killed them. Therefore, you are now IN the military and shall be continuing your training with that giant we captured. Here are your wooden training swords. Good luck!
Eagerly awaiting a new batch of legendary swordsdwarves,
Overseer Sid
Post by: Deus Machina on April 29, 2011, 02:03:21 am
I believe our fifteen-percent profit offer was fair. In contrast, your counteroffer was more than twice the actual value of your goods.
Here's a counteroffer: you take my fifteen percent, or you get to join the goblins currently bleeding to death from their twelve-level drop into the dry moat.
-Still considering that drop,
overseer of Shotunion.
Post by: Number7 on April 29, 2011, 05:17:43 am
why dont you make like a tree, and get out of here.
-Dwarven wood industry
Dear "Trained" Recruits
...
Thanks for all the extra work i guess.
-Urist McCoffinMaker
Post by: Necro910 on April 29, 2011, 11:13:47 am
dear elven tradersDear Dwarven Wood Industry:
why dont you make like a tree, and get out of here.
-Dwarven wood industry
Water those trees ;D
With booze,
Sadistic Overseer Necro
Post by: ledgekindred on April 29, 2011, 03:29:22 pm
I've killed you. I've stolen your stuff. I've slaughtered your animals. I've left you locked up until you went insane. I've even tried to trade you (gasp) wood.
Will you get pissed off and attack me already?!
I think I've killed all the goblins; all I get out of them anymore are pathetic little ambushes that a little kid could rout. The humans still bring me good stuff so I'm leaving them alone for now. The caverns occasionally throw me some Fun but my military finishes them off too quickly. All you ever bring is crappy wooden junk and stacks of unneeded cloth. I'm bored. Bring me Moar Fun!
Yrs,
Illustrious and Frustrated Overseer of All Things
Post by: Sphalerite on April 29, 2011, 03:43:01 pm
Post by: Necro910 on April 29, 2011, 03:51:34 pm
To reliably get elven invasions, you need to edit the entity raws to give the elves a diplomat. Once you have a Baron, the diplomat will come around and demand you stop cutting trees. Agree to his demands, then cut down every tree on the map. When he comes back next year to complain, shoot him in the face. Keep this up for a few years and they will send sieges.Dwarf Fortress:
Teaching the importance of diplomacy.
Post by: Samuel on April 29, 2011, 06:18:50 pm
We have a Giant War Lion. Do your worst, you ugly bastards.
-Dwarves
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 29, 2011, 07:08:19 pm
There are fish around here. In that pool even. So, there is something to catch in "the eastern swamps."
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McMiner,
Please stop hopping into that murky pool.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Angel Of Death on April 29, 2011, 07:14:48 pm
STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.
Yours sincerly, AoD.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 29, 2011, 07:34:32 pm
Dear Urist McMilitaryguy.Dear AoD,
STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.
Yours sincerly, AoD.
What is fire? Is it that blue stuff underground? No, wait, it's that blue stuff aboveground. Sure, I'll stop, I hate carp.
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitaryguy.
PS: I bet this red stuff would make a great export to the elves. I'll just store some in a stockpile...
Post by: Necro910 on April 29, 2011, 07:37:19 pm
Dear Urist McMilitaryguy,Dear Urist McMilitaryguy.Dear AoD,
STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.
Yours sincerly, AoD.
What is fire? Is it that blue stuff underground? No, wait, it's that blue stuff aboveground. Sure, I'll stop, I hate carp.
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitaryguy.
PS: I bet this red stuff would make a great export to the elves. I'll just store some in a stockpile...
I think he means don't step into water. Silly humans, making up words!
With booze,
Necro
Post by: Greiger on April 29, 2011, 09:22:11 pm
Who's bright idea was it to have your law-giver show up, unescorted as a diplomat in the middle of a goblin attack? There's like 30 goblins between my army and your law giver. I'm afraid he's SOL.
P.S. If you decide to attack me for this, you soft-skins won't have any better luck than the greenskins and pointy ears. Just a heads up.
The Administration (of Tallfires)
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 29, 2011, 10:33:26 pm
A. I made the plug too shallow.
B. I lost (probably) my miner and pick.
>:(
Post by: krenshala on April 29, 2011, 10:38:57 pm
To: The local humans,I'm guessing the humans didn't like Tallfires or their Law-Giver, and decided to try and solve both problems at once. :D
Who's bright idea was it to have your law-giver show up, unescorted as a diplomat in the middle of a goblin attack? There's like 30 goblins between my army and your law giver. I'm afraid he's SOL.
P.S. If you decide to attack me for this, you soft-skins won't have any better luck than the greenskins and pointy ears. Just a heads up.
The Administration (of Tallfires)
Post by: zephyr_hound on April 30, 2011, 07:53:56 am
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
Post by: shadenight123 on April 30, 2011, 08:02:11 am
DearInspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
Dear Zephyr...
voices...in my head...adamantium...need more...bite...no hands...i want TO BITE YOU TO DEATH they are coming...yeeesss....
*scribbled with blood.
Post by: Horizon9 on April 30, 2011, 09:05:11 am
DearWas that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?Inspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
Post by: antymattar on April 30, 2011, 10:15:20 am
YOU STUPID IDIOT!!! HOW COULD YOU HAVE GOTTEN A POSSESSED MOOD, USED UP HALF MY GEMS AND ROPES, AND MADE A STUPID BLOWGUN THAT WE HAVE NO AMMO FOR!?!?!?!?!?!?
Post by: imperium3 on April 30, 2011, 10:25:10 am
DearWas that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?Inspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
It's surely a reference to the character from Les Miserables.
Post by: Horizon9 on April 30, 2011, 10:51:39 am
Oh ok.DearWas that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?Inspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
It's surely a reference to the character from Les Miserables.
I was thinking of a completely different Javert.
But let's not derail the thread, we can save that conversation for the Unfiction forums.
Post by: Artificer on April 30, 2011, 12:18:46 pm
Where did you get your credentials as a jeweler?
I fail to see why it was necessary to, instead of decorating the incredible plethora of gold and aluminium crafts lying around, or even the earthenware crafts, or the shell crafts the flipping mayor keeps mandating....
Why, oh why, do you find it necessary to encrust every used [Large Troll Fur Loincloth] and [Large Troll Fur Sock] in the fortress? Not to mention that we now have the gaudiest, most expensive bee hives in the world. And yet, you have not decorated a single item made of metal. EVER.
Do you know how embarrassing it is to trade (pre-worn) jewel-encrusted socks and loincloths to the humans (preworn by TROLLS)? If you weren't the only jeweler in the fortress, I would have you flung into the volcano.
Post by: Rhaken on May 01, 2011, 03:36:06 am
When that moose woman first blundered into our halls, you just stood idly by as it scared the entire civilian population into dropping whatever they were doing and running about with fresh stains on their pants. When it wandered into our workshop floor, you were specifically ordered to follow and detain it before it caused irreperable harm. You just stood there. Maybe you thought it would be fine, and the moose woman was just confused.
It bit our weaver's head off.
Even then, you lot just stood there, scant feet away, and only later decided that MAYBE the rabid moose woman with dwarf blood all over its head was a menace. One more incident like this, and you will be severely disciplined. All 80 of you.
Sincerely,
The Administration
Dear Urist McNotBiologist, Baroness of Punchdoors,
Giant eagles do not have teeth. We verified this after Urist McHunter shot one out of the sky and brought it to the butchery to be dissected. As such, your incessant demands for giant eagle tooth items make no sense whatsoever. They have done nothing so far but gotten several valuable workers savagely beaten in their sleep by the overzealous captain of the guard.
Should you continue to issue such unrealistic production mandates, we will be forced to relocate your entire lavish personal estate to your tomb. And seal it. With you inside.
Yours truly,
The Administration
Dear Local Giant Eagle Population,
In your aereal hunts through the mountains of Punchdoors, you may or may not have noticed several chained turkeys, spread throughout the mountainside. These are free meals for you. No strings attached
Impatiently,
The Punchdoors Administration
Post by: Angel Of Death on May 01, 2011, 03:56:25 am
There was a useless migrant standing right in front of you but NO, you wanted Legendary Miner Bones for your project... WHY IN ARMOK'S NAME DIDN'T YOU KILL THE USELESS MIGRANT!?!?
And, what do you do with his corpse? You cut it up and make a dwarf bone helmet with no decorations on it.
Yours truly, a very pissed off AoD
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 01, 2011, 12:08:52 pm
You broke a leg and decided to wait for help.
However, you had been digging and standing just fine on your broken leg just before deciding to rest on the hospital floor.
The chief medical dwarf did not come. Months passed.
Now, get up and get back to work! Or at least empty that nice bucket of water next to you and go into a bed.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
Go and help Urist McMiner unless you want your militia commander and chief medical dwarf positions to be revoked, as well as your permssion to use weapons and armor.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: EddyP on May 01, 2011, 12:52:04 pm
When mommy is operating the ballista, don't stand in front of it.
Dear UristMcIdler:
When the child is hit by the ballista bolt, don't stand in front of the ballista and clean up the blood.
Post by: Vorthon on May 01, 2011, 12:54:17 pm
Dear Urist McChild:
When mommy is operating the ballista, don't stand in front of it.
Dear UristMcIdler:
When the child is hit by the ballista bolt, don't stand in front of the ballista and clean up the blood.
Classic.
Post by: jaxy15 on May 01, 2011, 01:07:07 pm
Seriously?
You were scared of a giant olm when two dogs were dominating it?
You're a wuss.
Sincerely, an overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 01, 2011, 01:18:57 pm
Re: All dorfs, dwarves
Sub: Wounded in hospital
If a dwarf is wounded due to falls, wild beasts, or other dangers, s/he will most likely resta and wait for the lazy chief medical dwaf to stop ignoring them. Until then, they will likely not retrieve their own food.
Many of you have nothing to do somethimes. Here's and idea: Feeding starving miners and such is far more important than stockpiling clay.
GWG, Ovrsr.
MEMORANDUM
Re: All dorfs, dwarves, semi-intelligent livestock, etc
Sub: Trading
First, 'grats on feeding the miner. See if you can apply that idea to aged livestock.
However...remember the other wounded guy? The broker? When I said anyone could trade, that did not just mean her. it couldhave been Urist McEngraver, Urist McMason, Urist McWoodWorker, or even Urist McCrushedByAFallingCeilingHahaYouWereUseless's pet cavy for all I care!
Seriously.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Corwyn on May 01, 2011, 02:35:00 pm
It has come to my attention that after being given orders to create a channel around that oddly shaped volcano cap to prevent any fire imps or other land-walking beasts from getting loose, you dug out the ramp from atop the ramp.
Good job. I only wish that the ramp down I had you make to try and escape didn't serve as a ramp up for everyone else to try and fetch your corpse and socks and die to the imps as well.
Corwyn, former management.
Post by: Sphalerite on May 01, 2011, 03:22:52 pm
That elf swordsman you are so afraid of is two Z-levels down, behind fortifications, in a walled-off pit, unconscious, and bleeding heavily with half a dozen bolts in him. Please stop canceling your jobs because of him. I don't care if you're scared of him, or want to get closer to point and laugh, just get the damn wall finished already.
Dear marksdwarves of Ibmatstukos,
When I tell you to stand behind the fortifications, I would appreciate if you'd where I tell you two, immediately behind the fortifications, rather than a random location kind of near them where you can't actually see the elves to shoot them.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 01, 2011, 09:31:06 pm
I designated those levers to be pulled, and expected them to be pulled soon. We needed those to block out the goblin ambushers. You left it up to the human caravan guards to hold them back, and still let a few over to be dealt with Urist McRecruit.
Dear Urist McRecruit,
Thanks for being one of the few to properly outfit yourself with the last wave of goblins' old equipment. Don't get attached to that stuff, I'm melting down all the bronze as soon as we can keep the greenies away long enough to get some proper steel going.
Please hurry up to defend the bridges next time. We lost three of your inexperienced friends to the goblins before you showed up.
Despite that, you're being promoted. Urists McDeadrecruits failed to achieve any more than superficial bruises on the goblins between them, but you seem to have found the best lash that the gobbos left, and there are reports of goblin pieces flying off in every direction like you were beating them with a Salad Shooter. Eventually, two of the three decided they would rather brave the deepest level of the dry moat rather than your whip.
You get to keep the whip until we get a masterwork one inlaid with gems for you.
Planning a lasher squad now,
the overseer.
Post by: Olith McHuman on May 02, 2011, 04:08:12 am
I must assure you that our militia captain had nothing to do with your failed mandate, but I'm sure you know best. Here's a wooden hammer and some wooden armor. You're the captain of the guard now. If you wish to beat up our candy clad super buff militia captain, he's over there dealing with the sieging great fiend spiders. Have !!fun!!.
Dear Undertakers:
Regrettably, our dear Mayor wandered outside during the siege. She was webbed by a great fiend spider, ignited by a hellfire imp, turned into a pincushion by the nightwings, and then, tragically, pounded into the ground by a jotunar. After her pieces have stopped burning (you may have to wait for them to land too), please fetch the closest fragment and throw it in a tomb. Good point, that would involve exposing yourselves to daylight. Tell you what, just make a slab.
p.s. The former Mayor appears to have killed her husband, something about him not making aluminum items for her. Please look into this.
ooc: Fortress defense mod is fun :)
Post by: zephyr_hound on May 02, 2011, 07:04:50 am
THERE IS A MASSIVE DOGFIGHT GOING ON IN THE DINING ROOM PLEASE START CAGING THE DOGS THAT I HAVE ASSIGNED TO CAGES BEFORE ANYONE ELSE GETS BITTEN. PLEASE.
Post by: billybobfred on May 02, 2011, 09:48:47 pm
Re: Your mother
Swimming is fun, isn't it! But Mommy is worried about you. If you don't get out of the water, you might die of hunger.
...
GET OUT OF THE WATER THIS INSTANT OR YOU'LL GO TO BED WITHOUT ALCOHOL!
Kids...
Post by: Renzuko on May 02, 2011, 11:52:43 pm
when i tell you guys, dont dump stuff, and remake those steel serrated disc traps, i f*cking mean it, dont just sit around doing nothing, because of you, my initial military, is dead, having to be saved, by a bunch of skill-less(steel) dwarves.
signed
ctrl+alt+deleting overseer
Post by: imperium3 on May 03, 2011, 04:31:18 pm
Considering that you're new to this job, it might be a better idea to keep hunting elk birds rather than attacking that cave crocodile over there...
The Management
Dear Undertakers of Akrulatol,
Get another coffin ready.
The Management
Post by: Greiger on May 03, 2011, 04:54:17 pm
Oops, my bad.
From: The Administration.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on May 03, 2011, 05:24:19 pm
When I say to go to your station, that does not mean that I want you to stand in the doorway looking intimidating. It makes it hard to lock the door.
Sincerely,
Urist Imiknorris, micromanager
Post by: JmzLost on May 04, 2011, 02:17:01 am
Please stop wearing so many clothes. It doubles the number of hauling jobs after you walk through my serrated disc traps.
Thanks in advance,
JMZ, Overseer of Townmiles
Post by: jcnorris00 on May 04, 2011, 10:23:52 am
Really? You run screaming at the mere sight of a ground hog, but GIANT #$%^$@ BADGERS don't bother you? You blithely walked right into the middle of them like they were a big group of fluffy bunnies! No, wait, you'd probably run from bunnies, too. Why didn't you smack a few of them with your training axe? Maybe that way your could have enraged as many as four at once, instead of just the three that mauled you.
I'm turning off the Retrieve Wounded labor until the herd of murder machines have left the map. If you broken, mangled excuse of a body is still alive when they finally depart, then you'll provide some practice for our new doctor, Urist McPeasant. He needs it.
Your exasperated ruler
Post by: EddyP on May 04, 2011, 11:15:52 am
Please refrain from charging ahead of your comrades into two squads of swordgoblins. I don't have as much faith in your skills as you apparently do.
Dear Urist McMilitary
I don't care if that goblin's still alive, he is UTTERLY PARALYZED. Stop trying to break every bone in his body. Urist McSpearmaster needs backup. Go help him, and one of you stay behind and stab the poor goblin in the head.
Post by: andyman564 on May 04, 2011, 11:03:25 pm
we have at least one of every workshop in our fortress, none of which are currently being used. and while i know the legendary statue in the dining hall is quite mesmerizing it would be appreciated if you picked a workshop and started your mysterious construction. failure to do so will result in beatings with pointed (or not so pointed) sticks by our militia.
Sincerely,
Overseer of RiverBlocked
Post by: Renzuko on May 05, 2011, 12:00:46 am
check his skills, if he has glassmaking, you need to make him a non magma glass furnace
Post by: Draignean on May 05, 2011, 12:35:45 am
Why oh why did you have to make an artifact Chausse?
Actually that wouldn't be that bad, nice silver and leather, images of five pointed stars and all that. It's just in addition to being all silver and starry you chose to name it "The Angelic Climax". While I'm sure you and your wife are very happy with this little gift I would appreciate it if you didn't make things that made our engravers put "The Angelic Climax" in dwarf runes all over the fort around little pictures of said chausse surrounded by dwarves.
You're scaring the kids.
-Facepalming overseer.
Post by: andyman564 on May 05, 2011, 01:25:36 am
dear andymann
check his skills, if he has glassmaking, you need to make him a non magma glass furnace
i haven't built any magma furnaces yet (working on magma pump stack), and he was a weaponsmith.
Post by: Syrup Roast on May 05, 2011, 02:26:00 am
was a weaponsmith? He might have been waiting for a magma furnace after all. I'm not sure if they switch preferences after magma is found or only after an operational magma forge is built.dear andymann
check his skills, if he has glassmaking, you need to make him a non magma glass furnace
i haven't built any magma furnaces yet (working on magma pump stack), and he was a weaponsmith.
Post by: outofpractice on May 05, 2011, 03:45:57 am
I get it. You are a godly warrior and everyone rightly fears you. I know you like chasing off sieges single handedly, while singing war songs. But why oh why did you have to dodge from a simple badger into a pond. Nvm its a pond with no channelled access. You can go whole sieges standing on the same square.. why dodge? why!!!
Well at least you will have a decent tomb.
Sincerely
Urist McGuardCaptain.
Post by: FrisianDude on May 05, 2011, 04:11:02 am
You're scaring the kids.What kind of fucked up children would be scared at that? I'd expect most children would laugh at it while over-protective parents might be scared their precious crystal glass-children might shatter. :o
-Facepalming overseer.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 05, 2011, 04:53:52 am
Another ambush, ho hum. By now you should know that the modus operandi is to wait until the goblins reach the bridges, then pull the lever, and dump them them the 7 z-levels onto the conglomerate or granite at the bottom of the dry moat.
I know it may not kill them, but goblins are less effective with broken legs and burst spleens.
The general plan is to run down, grab the lever, and then not lean against it for a nap.
Not only did you ruin the winter's usual entertainment of watching goblins crawl around and vomit themselves into dehydration, but the usual short-lived ambush lasted up until they cornered Urist McMiner and he panicked, and stuck his copper pick into a greenie's eye three times.
Marking you for the honor of mining out the final magma channel,
overseer.
Post by: Kassil on May 05, 2011, 10:31:58 am
Please refrain from dropping trees on yourselves in the future.
Oh, wait. You died? Well, then, I guess it's redundant.
Urist McMason, please assemble those doors _faster_.
Post by: outofpractice on May 05, 2011, 02:55:31 pm
You were cool when you were the simple mayor. Never asked for anything that we, the administration, couldn't provide easily. We recommended you for nobility. We thought you would be a great leader. Now you suddenly like and want creepy crawler leather? WTF. We haven't even seen a creepy crawler.
Sincerely
The admin.
P.S. Please accept the new room we have set up for you under the magma reserve. We hope you enjoy the extra warmth.
Post by: Necro910 on May 05, 2011, 02:58:30 pm
Dear Urist McNewnoblecountDear admin,
You were cool when you were the simple mayor. Never asked for anything that we, the administration, couldn't provide easily. We recommended you for nobility. We thought you would be a great leader. Now you suddenly like and want creepy crawler leather? WTF. We haven't even seen a creepy crawler.
Sincerely
The admin.
P.S. Please accept the new room we have set up for you under the magma reserve. We hope you enjoy the extra warmth.
I demand, nay, MANDATE creepy crawler earrings! You have three seasons! And yes, I do enjoy the extra warmth. I'm thirsty, going to grab a drink.
With !!booze!!,
Urist McNewNobleCount
Post by: Andal on May 05, 2011, 07:10:25 pm
It may come as a surprise to you, but attempt to shoot through the solid trees is not the most efficient way of slaughtering goblin sieges. Shooting goblins is. Thanks to your epic ineptitude, my legendary hunter and four others are dead. Yet, he still managed to kill off more goblins before he fell than all of you combined. Turn in the crossbows, your hammers will be issued shortly. The heavy end hits the goblin, the thin end goes in your hand. Hopefully that's simple enough for you.
Sincerely,
Your Far-too-often Surprisingly Merciful Overseer
Post by: Necro910 on May 05, 2011, 09:16:15 pm
Dear Urist McMarksdwarves,Dear Overseer,
It may come as a surprise to you, but attempt to shoot through the solid trees is not the most efficient way of slaughtering goblin sieges. Shooting goblins is. Thanks to your epic ineptitude, my legendary hunter and four others are dead. Yet, he still managed to kill off more goblins before he fell than all of you combined. Turn in the crossbows, your hammers will be issued shortly. The heavy end hits the goblin, the thin end goes in your hand. Hopefully that's simple enough for you.
Sincerely,
Your Far-too-often Surprisingly Merciful Overseer
I'm hungry. I'm thirsty- OOOHHH! Urist and Urist got married! Eh... now I'm taking my break. I'm thirsty.
Post by: ledgekindred on May 05, 2011, 11:55:08 pm
Dear Urist McMarksdwarves,
It may come as a surprise to you, but attempt to shoot through the solid trees is not the most efficient way of slaughtering goblin sieges. Shooting goblins is. Thanks to your epic ineptitude, my legendary hunter and four others are dead. Yet, he still managed to kill off more goblins before he fell than all of you combined. Turn in the crossbows, your hammers will be issued shortly. The heavy end hits the goblin, the thin end goes in your hand. Hopefully that's simple enough for you.
Sincerely,
Your Far-too-often Surprisingly Merciful Overseer
DeaR oVerSeeR,
whIch enD does SOck go On?
OoooOh! neW Sock!!
Post by: blizzerd on May 06, 2011, 01:41:39 am
Post by: jaxy15 on May 06, 2011, 03:10:48 pm
How's it going in the afterlife?
Going very close to that cave crocodile to shoot it wasn't such a good idea, was it?
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 07, 2011, 12:00:26 pm
You are a master miner. You have been a miner snce you arrived in the first migrant wave, almost two years ago.
One of our legendary miners was one of thestarting seven; the other arrived a wave or two ago.
That second miner was not a master miner when he came here.
Do the math.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 07, 2011, 06:13:48 pm
To: All military members
Re: "Urist McRandomsoldier cancels Pickup Equipment: Inturrupted by what I just sent you to kill."
A. You should have all the gear that you are assigned and have acess to, at all times, unless your weapon-wielding hane or whatever is cut off. That is your only excuse, annd you are expected to retrieve both hand and weapon after the battle.
B. If I sent you to the gate to prevent monkies from coming in and stealing lots of stuff, and you see a monkey, kill the monkey. You have killed everything from badgers and maquaques to mountain goats and my patience. Many of those were when we only had a few soldiers, and inferior equipment. You will kill them, without incident. The only reason the two deaths that occured in the history of this fort was underequipment--one beause the fortress ahd just started, the other because he chose to go swinging his bow at the horse instead of shooting said horse.
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. If you are sleeping on the battlefield, you deserve to be inturrupted.
P.P.S: Do not follow drowning maquaqes, or any other enemies, into the moat. I don't want any bodies in the moat, or rather, not bodies I have to bury.
P.P.P.S. Pick up the weapons and stuff you are currently leaving lying around.
MEMORANDUM
To: Masons
Re: That horse
I know the horse was a few tiles away. It will not, repeat will not attack you. You are on a wall whose only entrance requires waltzing into the courtyard and up a ramp, then onto the aqueduct you were working on. That will not happen, and anyways horses do not attack unless attacked first.
GWG, Ovrsr.
To: Mountainhomes.
From: Great Wyrm Gold, Overseer
Subject: How...Why...that one spear...
You know the one.
Stone training spears? Cool. Gem training spears? Pricey, but cool.
An iron training spear?!? (http://dffd.wimbli.com/file.php?id=4341)
Idiotic.
P.S. I have been exporting ton s of stuff, practically buying your caravans empty. They did not come back empty-handed. I do too have exported wealth.
Post by: Angel Of Death on May 07, 2011, 08:13:08 pm
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CORPSE STOCKPILE OR STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT HAVING TO WATCH A FRIEND ROT!
Yours sincerly, AoD.
Dear Urist McWaxworker.
Although I appreciate the dwarvenness, PLEASE don't try to clean yourself in magma.
Yours sincerly, a very confused AoD
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 07, 2011, 10:23:11 pm
To: All modded egg-laying citizens
Re: Eggs
If you see a fellow fortress-mamber has laid an egg, the proper response is to ignore it and let it hatch.
If you have lain an egg, you may stop what you're doing to let it hatch.
Finally, if you claim a nest box, ue it. Especially if you're on break and the nest box in question is in a meeting area.
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. There should be some way for civ critters to carry around their eggs so that they stay warm...
MEMOR...oh, never mind.
Dear Urists McEveryone,
If you can's acess whatever item you're trying to dump, tell me what it is!
Also, to all citizens and domestic animals, if you fall into the well climb out using the ladder, don't hop farther in.
Post by: Greiger on May 07, 2011, 10:49:11 pm
See that's what nest boxes are for, handy dandy modern technology keeps them nice and warm for months at a time without the need for the warmth of the mother's buttocks. Allowing the mother to continue work as normal, only to check on it whenever she has a free moment. And it even lets her know immediately when the egg hatches so she can drop what she's doing to collect the child! Unfortunately, the system is very precarious and the removal of the egg from the box ruins the delicate balance that keeps it warm.
From, Fellow egg laying fortress race overseer.
To, Manager of tallfires.
Congratulations on becoming a father, I understand your excitement, and I won't even fault you for the bad grammar used to announce when he hatched. I also have good news for you, your wife's wounds in combat should heal, although she will need a crutch. Now if you don't mind, would you stop just sitting there idle in your room and pick up your son? He has come dangerously close to the big pit in the middle of the central stairs more times than I am comfortable with.
From,
The administration.
Post by: Tcei on May 08, 2011, 12:22:40 am
We of the administration would like to give our appreciation for the eagerness and zeal you showed during life. While the other 6 founders of the fort were rushing to equip themselves with the armor we sent, you rushed out with naught but your spidersilk cap and various pigtail clothing. However, as Im sure you found out, spidersilk caps do little to protect your skull from powerful werewolf jaws. In your next life please be sure to put on the provided armor first.
Also, we want to apologize for our lack of promptness at providing you a proper burial/memorial. As it currently stands, the survival of your fellows is more important. Lastly we are deeply puzzled by your seeming hatred of the dorms, as well as your toppling of only one bed a season. The beds, and indeed the dorms themselves werent even planned at the time of your death. As it stands, noone seems to care much, perhaps one day your fellow dwarves will find you scarier than the werewolves or the ice wolves of the over land. Until then you may continue to enjoy visiting the living while they sleep.
Post by: Number4 on May 08, 2011, 01:38:15 am
could you awfully mind not to sleep on fucking duty? You, as our only soldier, had been clad in the finest steel, brought from the mountainhomes at great expense. We expected more from you. Thanks to your laziness the enraged badger in our courtyard killed our only chicken hen, which reduces our egg production by around 100% and seriously decreases our chances of getting a replacement chicken hen to hatch in the near future. The badger was then taken out by a heroic dog. I should make her our militia commander while chaining you to a fucking restraint. There is a bill for 5 now superfluous nestboxes waiting for you, YOU will be the one trading with the elves for another pair of egg-laying animals and in addition you're confined to your barracks till the end of malachite. Dismissed.
Post by: jaxy15 on May 08, 2011, 02:06:04 am
I don't get it.
How the HFS did you know about what's down there?
How did you know how that brute looked like?
I NEED ANSWERS.
Post by: Mastvlag on May 08, 2011, 02:46:18 am
Post by: Cyroth on May 08, 2011, 06:48:42 am
Why did you have to ruin your perfectly awesome artifact?
That leather dress is not only the most valuable leather item I have ever seen (almost 100.000DB, usually my leather artifacts are worth half of that), reading the description I also think that it would be the most awesome looking piece of clothing I have ever seen in DF. But WHY did you have to add that last detail? It would have been a beautiful, "dark mistress" styled dress, but you had to ruin it by putting a strawberry on it?! What were you thinking?!
Yours sincerly,
your angry overmind
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greiger on May 08, 2011, 11:50:53 am
Ok so it seems to be a bit more complex to get you guys to hunt and still come back into the fortress the last month of every season than I thought. My military orders were a bit confusing I admit, although you should have been able to figure out my meaning with a bit of thought...
Anyway now that you seem to be hunting again I have one request. PUT ON SOME DAMN CLOTHES! So my attempts to get you all to wear basilisk scale failed. That doesn't mean you should discard all your clothes and sneak around the wilderness wearing only a quiver, a crossbow and the "air of freedom". You are going to scare the traders.
Sincerely,
The administration.
Post by: Shootandrun on May 08, 2011, 01:58:47 pm
At the beginning of the fight, there was five soldiers, twelve giant badgers. Now, there is two soldiers, seven giant badgers, and one of you is going to die. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TIME I TRAINED YOU? HOW MUCH IT COSTED TO EQUIP YOU IN STEEL? AND NOW A BAND OF ANIMALS IS GOING TO WIN AGAINST MY ONLY SQUAD?
Post by: Deus Machina on May 09, 2011, 12:26:18 am
The dead are forbidden. Death items are forbidden. Refuse is forbidden. THe military alert, for both training or active dwarves and civilians, is to 'go inside,' where 'inside' is clearly marked via burrow.
This means that you don't go sprinting across the bridge when I lower it to let the hippies out. This means you don't run laps around the dry moat with goblins in it.
It means you GET THE HELL INSIDE.
What is wrong with you guys?
Post by: Beardy on May 09, 2011, 01:22:13 am
Attn: Urists McMarksdwarves
It has come to my attention that only one of the three of you has been reporting regularly to the archery range for practice. It is imperative in these times that those who were so willingly volunteered (by me) into military service fulfill their duties. I understand I initially trained all of you to high levels of wrestling. That was only beginning of bootcamp. The dorf assigned exclusively to make you wooden practice bolts has informed me that only one of you picks up new bolts. A quick inspection of our weapons room revealed that only one of you has bothered to acquire a crossbow. While you might be somewhat effective in combat as wrestlers, that is what the wrestling squad is for. Your job is to rain metal slivers of death upon our enemies. Not take their clothes off (given the assortment of garments spread around the barracks after any wrestling practice, I can only assume that is what you try to do when you wrestle. No, I'm not judging you (on this)).
Report immediately to the archery range, with a crossbow and bolts, or report immediately to our new nobles' quarters for
-Management
Post by: Ahrimahn on May 09, 2011, 01:27:44 am
Why do you want Slade crafts? How do you know that a stone that exclusively lines hell and its entrances even exists? Why do you like such an evil item? How do you expect us to get this stone? Finally what do you think of this new room next built next to the magma pump?
Love Urist McOverworkedstonecrafter
Post by: Manae on May 09, 2011, 10:30:14 am
It's actually quite nice. Toasty and cozy, like. You know, though, what would really make it is a lovely slade chair in this corner and a slade statu.... you know, it's actually very warm in here. I'm sweating out all my booze! It almost feels like my boots are on fire. Wait a minut.................
Post by: Necro910 on May 09, 2011, 10:32:20 am
Dear Overseer Ahrimahn:Dear Overseer Ahrimahn:
It's actually quite nice. Toasty and cozy, like. You know, though, what would really make it is a lovely slade chair in this corner and a slade statu.... you know, it's actually very warm in here. I'm sweating out all my booze! It almost feels like my boots are on fire. Wait a minut.................
I'm thirsty.
With booze,
Urist.
Post by: cam94509 on May 09, 2011, 12:23:23 pm
When I station you on a specific level at a choke point, I expect you to STAY THERE until the enemy comes to you. Do not go rushing haphazardly into the oncoming trolls. I really wouldn't do this save scumming thing, except you guys are truly incompetent. You were final trap; the weapons traps and stone traps on the upper level were merely weaken them. However, when you rush like an idiot (or fall asleep, because apparently, the bed upstairs was in the point you were stationed (even though it was a level above where I had stationed you!)), you get killed, and make a terrible trap.
From,
Your annoyed commander.
Post by: Peewee on May 09, 2011, 11:12:22 pm
Dear milita squad.
At the beginning of the fight, there was five soldiers, twelve giant badgers. Now, there is two soldiers, seven giant badgers, and one of you is going to die. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TIME I TRAINED YOU? HOW MUCH IT COSTED TO EQUIP YOU IN STEEL? AND NOW A BAND OF ANIMALS IS GOING TO WIN AGAINST MY ONLY SQUAD?
Dear Overseer,
We 'ere outnumber'd, and tha' badgers was the most ferocious beast I' e'er seen or 'eard of, and that be includin' them carps. Ye can get tha' steel back if'n ye really need it, but ye' should consider trainin' more than a single squad.
Wounded,
Urist McRecruit
Post by: Mrhappyface on May 10, 2011, 10:33:34 am
I'm very pleased with your with your fanatical devotion to your job, and I commend your for your devotion to me, a servant of the Dark Powers. However, I am not pleased by the fact that you're willing to forsake food and drink! A dead dwarf is not an asset! For the sake of Armok man, I don't want to say this, but you can take a break!
P.S. Don't tell Urist McLazy about this.
P.S.S. If you do, guess who gets to try web collecting in the 3rd Cavern down?
Sincerely, The dark presence in your mind
Post by: jaxy15 on May 10, 2011, 10:35:39 am
I appreciate your new legendary stonecrafter skills.
But why a goddamn ring?
Couldn't you have picked the bones first, and made a hammer?
That would have helped more.
Post by: Draignean on May 10, 2011, 12:07:22 pm
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
Post by: Necro910 on May 10, 2011, 12:22:46 pm
Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
You obviously have not used enough magma. Your legendary weaponsmith probably killed himself because you don't have a large enough beard.
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Post by: Draignean on May 10, 2011, 12:28:15 pm
Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
You obviously have not used enough magma. Your legendary weaponsmith probably killed himself because you don't have a large enough beard.
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Dear Overseer Necro
You kidding? If he hadn't been stopped by the grates he would have hit the obsidian generator resevoir, if he wanted magma he could been ass deep in it with a word. It was his choice to be an elf and take a surface walk.
-Overseer
Post by: Necro910 on May 10, 2011, 12:33:20 pm
Dear Overseer Draignean,Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
You obviously have not used enough magma. Your legendary weaponsmith probably killed himself because you don't have a large enough beard.
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Dear Overseer Necro
You kidding? If he hadn't been stopped by the grates he would have hit the obsidian generator resevoir, if he wanted magma he could been ass deep in it with a word. It was his choice to be an elf and take a surface walk.
-Overseer
He was on the surface, and the river unfroze. Magma does not freeze. Dwarves will not path through magma. Do you understand the lack of magma? The obvious solution is to flood the world with magma. The weaponsmith was making a political statement.
-Overseer Necro
Post by: Draignean on May 10, 2011, 12:41:37 pm
Dear Overseer Draignean,Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
You obviously have not used enough magma. Your legendary weaponsmith probably killed himself because you don't have a large enough beard.
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Dear Overseer Necro
You kidding? If he hadn't been stopped by the grates he would have hit the obsidian generator resevoir, if he wanted magma he could been ass deep in it with a word. It was his choice to be an elf and take a surface walk.
-Overseer
He was on the surface, and the river unfroze. Magma does not freeze. Dwarves will not path through magma. Do you understand the lack of magma? The obvious solution is to flood the world with magma. The weaponsmith was making a political statement.
-Overseer Necro
Overseer Necro,
How will I make obsidian then If I activate the doomsday device? Though I suppose I could create a magma based heating system for the entire river... Hmm ...
Draignean cancels sign letter: Taken by mood.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 10, 2011, 05:48:06 pm
Here is what you should do if you have to "cancel dig: Interrupted by Giant Badger": Stick your pick in its brain.
Here is what you did: Took a nap in the grass.
At least come inside.
Post by: MythagoWoods on May 10, 2011, 06:13:35 pm
I know it isn't lupus but I didn't make you my chief medical dwarf so you could ignore all my dwarves who happen to have a bruise or a case of the sniffles. My hospital is fill to the brim with dwarves who don't even have any wounds because they got wind of an ambush I had a few SEASONS AGO waiting diagnosis. I highly recommend you diagnose them so they go back to being useful. Preferably before I repalce you with Urist McCox or have you catapaulted off the tower.
Sincerly,
Your quite annoyed overseer
Post by: xeivous on May 10, 2011, 08:50:31 pm
Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Dear Urist McManager
Here is what you should do if you have to "cancel dig: Interrupted by Giant Badger": Stick your pick in its brain.
Here is what you did: Took a nap in the grass.
At least come inside.
I'm taking a nap, go away. Besides, have you SEEN the teeth on those things?
Post by: DrKillPatient on May 10, 2011, 09:14:49 pm
Please get off Urist McEveryone. It's quite sad that you're taking advantage of dwarven ignorance to danger to further your own propagation.
- Sky Guy
Post by: Ahrimahn on May 10, 2011, 10:52:39 pm
There is more than one path to the dorms so why do you insist on walking through the one filled with forgotten beast extract that causes paralysis and later necrosis of the spine?
Dear Urist McChiefMedDorf
I am quite impressed with the way you have been dealing with this situation and your general skill somehow all of your patients both live and are able to walk despite their recent despining.
-sincerely Barkeep
Post by: urick on May 10, 2011, 11:09:32 pm
You know how I feel about clinic duty.
Yours,
Urist McHouse
Post by: Eric Blank on May 10, 2011, 11:27:18 pm
Please continue being perfect little workers and stay alive for another year. Please DO NOT get slaughtered by the goblins the very first time they ambush us.
-Sincerely, your thus far pleased overseer.
P.S. congratulations on your new child, Ducim. Please don't get eaten while carrying her around.
Post by: schussel on May 11, 2011, 12:10:07 am
Dear everyone;
Please continue being perfect little workers and stay alive for another year. Please DO NOT get slaughtered by the goblins the very first time they ambush us.
-Sincerely, your thus far pleased overseer.
P.S. congratulations on your new child, Ducim. Please don't get eaten while carrying her around.
you remind me of any overprotective mother i witnessed so far ... be aware those stances usually backfire in a cruel and unusual way :)
Post by: Deus Machina on May 11, 2011, 12:51:16 am
Thanks for ignoring the single, easily accessible 'build wall' designation for two seasons so three squads of goblins and an entire group of trolls could bumrush the empty hole into the fortress. I blame you and you alone for the death of 73 dwarves and the fall of the otherwise amazingly successful Shotunion.
Welcome to the new outpost. You're on vacation until I call for you, on the condition you spend it skating on the river until spring.
Post by: zephyr_hound on May 11, 2011, 12:05:10 pm
CLAIMING OF GOBLIN JUNK IS NOT PERMITTED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. NO. STOP CLAIMING IT. Especially you Atis Kengcatten, Weaponsmith, I have finally located the xxalpaca wool cloakxx you're spamming "cancels store owned item; item inaccessible" about, and it's on fire. You don't want it. No, seriously. Trust me. You don't want it.
Those of you complaining about nakedness, which is most of you, will be allocated uniforms AS AND WHEN WE GET ROUND TO IT. And I don't want to hear ANY more complaints about leather armor and chafing. You're dwarves. Get used to it.
Post by: lanceleoghauni on May 11, 2011, 12:13:34 pm
Post by: Necro910 on May 11, 2011, 12:15:54 pm
Dear Urist McHunter's STOP AVENGING BOATMURDERED SO DILIGENTLY. Armok's Armpit! I had to make half the fort Bonecrafters and Cooks for crying out loud! STOP BRINGING IN HUGE HERDS OF ELEPHANTS.Dear Overseer,
At least I'm actually doing my job! Human...
With booze,
Urist McHunter
Post by: Horizonblue on May 11, 2011, 01:08:58 pm
I know you're hungry. We have plenty of food, but you keep throwing a tantrum halfway there.
Running there, then dropping to your knees to cry and bite about it is not helping.
That by punching half the still living residents has caused others to mimic you makes it worse.
Have your pile of tears in the hallway if you will, I'll sample the rest of the food to make sure its up to your standards.
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: Mister Always on May 11, 2011, 01:29:11 pm
How about telling him to go have his hissy fit in the magma incinerator instead?
With love,
Urist McMiner.
Post by: shadenight123 on May 12, 2011, 01:25:27 am
why don't you do as uristmcadventurer does? with his *never dodges* thing? you're clad in iron, clad in steel, you should die with honour, and never yield...so why do you DROWN in dishonor?
sincerely,
Overseerofwar.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 12, 2011, 04:12:44 am
Take a break. Seriously, you're completely entitled.
I know you hear me yelling at the other soldiers for stubbing their toe and sleeping for seasons in the hospital. That is not acceptable.
What is acceptable is resting after an elk severs an arm, breaks both legs, tears off an ear, puts your eye out, and breaks your lower back. However much I appreciate your dedication, I do not need four pages of 'Urist McInjured cancels Pick Up Equipment: too injured. x8' when other dwarves take off for weeks after squirrel bites.
For Armok's sake, take a day off.
Post by: shadenight123 on May 12, 2011, 07:22:20 am
Dear Urist McInjured,
Take a break. Seriously, you're completely entitled.
I know you hear me yelling at the other soldiers for stubbing their toe and sleeping for seasons in the hospital. That is not acceptable.
What is acceptable is resting after an elk severs an arm, breaks both legs, tears off an ear, puts your eye out, and breaks your lower back. However much I appreciate your dedication, I do not need four pages of 'Urist McInjured cancels Pick Up Equipment: too injured. x8' when other dwarves take off for weeks after squirrel bites.
For Armok's sake, take a day off.
Revenge never takes a day off!!! cough cough cough! *blood spattering*
sincerely, uristmcinjured.
Post by: noah22223 on May 12, 2011, 07:34:11 am
That forgotten beast down the grate can't hurt you.
If you won't stop being scared of it, I will have your next vacation be in the caverns.
Sincerely, Overseer Noah.
Post by: evileeyore on May 12, 2011, 09:06:51 am
You are on a 5 tile wide bridge, the river is 2 z-levels below you, there is a graterail to keep you from falling in, and a roof to protect you from airborne predation... THE DAMN PIKE AND GAR CANNOT GET TO YOU!
Look, just go finish hauling the supplies from the wagon's resting place before everyone starves or I'll make sure you're dropped into a deep pond filled with those wee little fishies.
Sincerely, Overseer evileeyore
Post by: Jake on May 12, 2011, 12:48:36 pm
I'm not sure if you don't like the uniform I devised, resent the Rapid Response squads being allowed to just sling a suit of chainmail on over their everyday wear whilst you have to wear the full getup (red coat, white shirt, blue trousers and leather high boots, with a breastplate and helmet) or are just literal-minded to a fault, but it's perfectly okay to wear your own clothes until we have enough uniforms to go around. Go and put some trousers on before you catch your deaths.
Your exasperated but highly amused Avatar of Armok
(later)
Dear off-duty gate guards of Roughplan,
Now don't take this the wrong way, because I like to consider myself a broad-minded and progressive sort of fellow. If that's the lifestyle you've chosen then more power to you.
But for Armok's sake, guys, there's no need to be so fundamentalist about it. We have snow on the ground for eleven months of the year and the brook hasn't thawed once in four years; even the most militant naturists make allowances for that kind of weather.
Your bewildered, even more exasperated and hysterically laughing Avatar of Armok.
Post by: Niccolo on May 13, 2011, 02:28:54 am
McMiner, You are a miner. Literally, your only reason for existence is to mine stuff. Therefore, you have no reason to follow the expedition leader around like a lost puppy for months waiting to hold a meeting with him. Thanks to you, the fortress' only chance of getting a supply of water to last through the frozen season is gone. When you die of thirst I am gonig to laugh at you.
The rest of you, fuck you all. There's no food left. I brought triple the amount just because I knew you'd all eat like pigs. How the hell did you eat it all in two seasons? I hope you all starve.
Post by: Ahrimahn on May 13, 2011, 06:56:48 am
Wear the pants I assign you to wear while I am happy you remember the part of the uniform abOve the waist you seem incredibly averse to the pants please this would not be a problem because it is still spring and the elves are not at war with us but I don't like the reports ive been hearing from the medical staff about severed penii and torn anuses when suiting up for the danger room remember your armor please!
Post by: Syrup Roast on May 13, 2011, 07:48:21 am
Dear militiaSomething about torn anuses because of spears in the danger room doesn't sound right...
Wear the pants I assign you to wear while I am happy you remember the part of the uniform abOve the waist you seem incredibly averse to the pants please this would not be a problem because it is still spring and the elves are not at war with us but I don't like the reports ive been hearing from the medical staff about severed penii and torn anuses when suiting up for the danger room remember your armor please!
Post by: Ahrimahn on May 13, 2011, 07:58:57 am
Post by: Dude_Jebawe on May 13, 2011, 08:45:21 am
I realize that I designated that pond with several zones so more dwarves would dump the water there, and that this might confuse you. That does not, however, excuse taking the water from said pond and then dumping it back in. Get the water from the river, Urist, It's there for a reason.
Sincerely,
Your somewhat amused overseer.
Post by: Necro910 on May 13, 2011, 09:55:05 am
The spinning wooden training spear hits Urist in the anus! The severed part sails off in an arc!Urist gives in to pain.
Post by: Syrup Roast on May 13, 2011, 12:08:05 pm
lol someone cancelled his WoW account.The spinning wooden training spear hits Urist in the anus! The severed part sails off in an arc!Urist gives in to pain.
Post by: Necro910 on May 13, 2011, 12:23:11 pm
Urist has gone insane!lol someone cancelled his WoW account.The spinning wooden training spear hits Urist in the anus! The severed part sails off in an arc!Urist gives in to pain.
Urist has been struck with melancholy.
Post by: Angel Of Death on May 13, 2011, 12:36:24 pm
Please stop killing people. The more you kill, the less of a chance you have of being buried.
Yours sincerly, a very tired Overseer.
Post by: FrisianDude on May 13, 2011, 12:51:50 pm
snip Itatmokez "Chillcages"; a black bear leather dressDude, It's a black dress with a blue version of what is normally a red fruit on it. That's Sorceress material, mate. Awesome.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 13, 2011, 08:32:17 pm
If you must lay eggs, do not assume that you must leave them the moment you see some job that must be done. There are many other kobolds to do those jobs. The only exceptions are if you are a soldier, performing a very important job, or unable to lay fertile eggs. In any such case, take your eggs out of the nest box for our poultry.
Irritated,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear cook,
I like you making masterwork roasts, but please make more than 4 at a time.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Spirits of the Strange Moods,
This fortress has seen two artifacts. Both were dull, only using two of the material they were made of.
This new artifact sounds awesome. However, we have everything. I don't care if you want silk or yarn, use the rope reed fiber we just bought! Or the stuff we bought LAST caravan to get them to stop bringing us thread! I want the awesome leather artifact and a living warband commander, dammit!
Look at that! You just made me swear!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer of Grobochlambin.
P.S. The last two artifacts? One never got moved, the other is sitting all lonely in the stockpile. Their creators are, respectively, back to making excellent roasts and whatever that possessed guy did before making that #@?$% cobalite mug.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 13, 2011, 09:36:16 pm
With a possessed--and otherwise useful--dwarf screaming for fabric we don't have but can easily buy, I was actually ecstatic for once to see you come over the mountain at the edge of our territory.
But now you're the reason I'm locking you all into the depot, for not bringing fabric.
Seriously, you brought an entire cart of the stuff last time. We're wearing the bags I made out of the last bunch on our feet by now! For Armok's sake, half our territory hasn't thawed since you were last here--why did you think we wouldn't want any more?
Post by: Niccolo on May 13, 2011, 10:52:54 pm
When a caravan is approaching, I expect you to haul ass and get to the depot so I can trade and, y'know, stave off your goddamn madness for another six months. I'm lenient this time since it was the Elves and we murdered them all in cold blood anyway, but so help me God if you make me miss the next trade caravan you will be immediately conscripted and sent to fight badgers.
Yours exasperatedly,
Niccolo
Post by: Greiger on May 14, 2011, 08:25:49 pm
Thank you. You keep charging into the fortress in an attempt to get to our meat stockpiles, and all of our barracks are right in the place you all enter in your attempts.
Our fortress is starving, we only eat meat, and only have about a two months worth of meat remaining. The next caravan isn't due for 6 months, and is likely to be waylaid by goblins or humans. Keep coming, you taste like chicken and the soldiers are getting tired of puppy meat.
From
The (very hungry) administration.
P.S. Since you pass by the hives on your way in care to roll around in the honey on your way in? Thanks.
Post by: Music on May 14, 2011, 09:45:22 pm
How are you these days in your new home? Going well and eating enough? No? Well then try going out and picking food like you were told instead of hunting vermin.
~Music
Post by: Niccolo on May 14, 2011, 11:50:22 pm
I know you guys have a lot of them, but why do you always try to foist thousands of bags off on me every time I go to found a fort? I don't need them. Really, I don't.
Keep them, burn them, wear them as socks - I don't care. Just stop giving them to me.
Post by: Mister Always on May 15, 2011, 12:25:46 am
How's everyone there? We're doing quite fine. Even though we, the starting seven, only founded this fort three years ago, it's already a bustling hill of content, well-fed dwarves. The entrance is trapped all to hell and back, and that may be why we've only seen about seven snatchers. There is no flux stone, so we can make no steel, but we doubt we'll need it. Everything here is pretty much fine, we've only lost one dwarf (a fish cleaner who went into an odd coma that he wouldn't wake up from) so far, everybody knows everybody else, and our farm plot continues to be fertile. We've started a little chicken breeding program to keep us supplied with bones to make crafts from (and in case any dwarf is struck by a mood and demands BONES! NOOOOW!). We were visited by an ettin. We then ate the ettin. He was a bit stringy.
We have just one request.
Now, there's room for everyone here. Although some fortresses practice "oublietting" - the locking away of "useless" migrants until they starve - we here have no such policy. Sure, we draft most of the peasants and wax workers, but you have to earn your stay here, dang it. So we don't mind if you send us migrants - there's about eighty-and-some of us here now and there's room for more.
Just, please. Next time you send them over...NOT in a massive group of thirty-six. We were up to your ASSES in work orders to get them all accomodated. The miners have blisters on their blisters, the masons don't want to see another cabinet in their lives, the carpenter is dumb as a turd so he'll happily keep out cranking beds in between chopping trees and doing fuck-but-nothing, and the brewers and butchers nearly went mad in the scramble to produce more booze and butcher the animals you bafflingly send along with the migrants each year (though most of them are very tasty, so please keep sending them!). As if this was not enough, one of our two miners nearly hung herself with her own socks when she found out she had to dig out quarters for the recently elected mayor (our grand master weaponsmith, who finds a lot of free time now that the trapping of the entryway is nearly done and therefore has about twenty friends) all by herself because her colleague had taken a well-deserved break.
And then you sent eight more migrants JUST after we finished making new bedrooms and all the free meat had been squared into the stockpiles. Some of the swears that the mason used to describe what he thought of that I'd not heard before, but they were very interesting (what's a catamite, by the way?).
So please keep that in mind. Oh, and please make sure the other letter gets to my parents.
With love from Gravelsnarling,
Urist McFarmer.
Dear Urist McMiner,
Put on your big girl boots. That snatcher was just trying to sneak through our Corridor of Death before you found him, he was missing a foot and a finger and had so many cuts that he'd be better off dead. In fact, he was trying to crawl AWAY from you. You, however, saw fit to run screaming into the forest. What are you, an elf?
With love,
Archon of Armok
P.S: How's the blisters?
Dear Urist McFishcleaner,
We know you're not in a coma. Apart from being startled by a capybara, you haven't been in ANY fights. It's not a Forgotten Beast syndrome, because NOBODY has been in the caves yet and although we've mapped out of most of them through peekholes, the fortress hasn't even attracted any of those monsters. There's fish cleanin' to do. Get out of bed or we'll dig the floor out from under your bed.
With ill-concealed hatred,
Archon of Armok
Dear Urist McFishcleaner,
So apparently that didn't wake you up. You're a very good actor, I'll give you that. Let's see how you like a week WITHOUT people bringing you breakfast in bed. You'll notice that Urist McMason is currently walling you in.
-Archon of Armok
Dear Urist McFishcleaner,
You're petulant. Give it up.
-blah blah blah
Dear Urist McFishcleaner,
...listen, I'll give you a nice cabinet if you stop playing possum now.
-Archon
Dear friends of Urist McFishcleaner,
Err...whoops? What can I say, I just thought he was a very good actor. Could've won a Urist if he'd've gone into theater rather than fish cleaning, tell you that.
Oh, what do you guys care. Go be ecstatic somewhere.
Going to drink myself into a coma,
Archon of Armok.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 16, 2011, 02:07:33 am
(http://img851.imageshack.us/img851/2015/trustworthy.jpg)
You're trying too hard.
I've got my eye on you.
Post by: shadenight123 on May 16, 2011, 05:45:49 am
Dear caravan,
(http://img851.imageshack.us/img851/2015/trustworthy.jpg)
You're trying too hard.
I've got my eye on you.
mcmerchant1:oh come on! we're trustworthy, like our demonic overlord claims we are!!!
mcmercant2: why did you let fozpik spik?
mcmerchant3:me not know.
mcmerchant4: brilliant idea, let's bring them only clothes! and offend ourselves if they sell us wood, like elves. just, more evil elves!
Post by: Chessrook44 on May 16, 2011, 04:03:44 pm
THERE IS NOTHING TO CLEAN IN THE CAVERNS. Hell we've only opened one small area and you marched to a completely different cavern layer! You were lucky that ogre was blind, I'm merciful, and you're not part of the military.
Sincerely,
Overseer
------------------------------------
Dear Miners,
Please stop walking on the squares the other miners are trying to channel away. You can walk behind them, there's plenty of space. It just causes delays.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: Niccolo on May 16, 2011, 08:52:13 pm
I dearly mourn your loss - you were a legendary miner, well on your way to utter glory. In fact, I was just about to order you to carve out a suite of rooms for yourself.
Then you somehow managed to make the open sky collapse on your stupid skull. How did you do that? Why did you do that?
Sincerely, a confused Overseer.
Post by: quintilius on May 16, 2011, 09:36:25 pm
I know you love to breed - the 8 munchkins that insist on following you around everywhere attest to this - but it would be really nice if you took a little time out of your 'throwing a party at the obsidian table' day to show your little spawnlings that THERE ARE NO TURTLES IN OUR FORTRESS. I'm tired of burying them after they go stark raving mad for want of a shell.
- the Mgmt
Post by: Devling on May 16, 2011, 09:37:33 pm
STFU and stop falling off cliffs and being useless.
Post by: Necro910 on May 16, 2011, 11:01:59 pm
Dear Urist McAssholeDear Devling,
STFU and stop falling off cliffs and being useless.
No!
With !!booze!!,
Urist McAsshole
Post by: jaxy15 on May 17, 2011, 07:39:24 am
Breed more. We need meat for our meat industry, and making *black bear roast*s.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: PCpaste on May 18, 2011, 04:38:59 am
Just who do you think you are, doing something when you're actually asked to do so?
Sincerely, Gigantic Floating Yellow X.
Post by: imperium3 on May 18, 2011, 05:00:37 am
Did you hear that? That was the order to retreat to the keep bacause fifty goblins have just broken down our gates. So why did you and your two axedwarf chums, Urist McHaveAGoHero and Urist McBloodthirsty, try to charge them? You're a goddamn marksdwarf, and apart from that remarkably neat headshot you managed, you achieved nothing whatsoever. Your mates are dead, and you're lucky that you managed to lock yourself in one of the outer towers before they got to you.
Most irritatingly, the doctors inform me that your injuries are such that you can never hold a crossbow again. I don't know what to do with you now...
The Management of Akrulatol
Dear Fleeing Goblins,
Congratulations on escaping the +large serrated discs+ and hail of arrows from those of my marksdwarves who actually follow orders. Might I suggest leaving through the north gate from which you entered, as the weapon traps there are at least already clogged with the bodies of your friends, unlike for example those at the east gate, which... ah, I see you found out for yourself...
The Management of Akrulatol
Post by: Niccolo on May 18, 2011, 06:20:21 am
Dear Urist McLeeroyJenkins,
Did you hear that? That was the order to retreat to the keep bacause fifty goblins have just broken down our gates. So why did you and your two axedwarf chums, Urist McHaveAGoHero and Urist McBloodthirsty, try to charge them? You're a goddamn marksdwarf, and apart from that remarkably neat headshot you managed, you achieved nothing whatsoever. Your mates are dead, and you're lucky that you managed to lock yourself in one of the outer towers before they got to you.
Most irritatingly, the doctors inform me that your injuries are such that you can never hold a crossbow again. I don't know what to do with you now...
The Management of Akrulatol
Dear Akrulatol Manager;
You could always train him against rabbits and things until he can bite and kick... then send him on a death mission.
Sincerely,
Doctors.
Post by: ledgekindred on May 18, 2011, 06:41:13 pm
You are a legendary miner. You have plenty of work. I understand that breeding is... 'different'... around here, but still. Ten kids? You are leading this comet trail of little brats behind you everywhere you go. It's kind of mesmerizing I admit, but you're not helping my framerate with your constant spawning. You're lucky that your husband is a commander and Legendary Speardwarf, and frankly, I am afraid of what he could do if he got angry. Otherwise I'd be making a little spike repeater and assign you to a nearby burrow.
Dear Kadol Matchfortress, the Snarling Plait of Affliction,
Cool title. I appreciate your work and you really are a credit to our fortress. (Over 30 kills. Very nice.) But please cut out with the mating. However it is that you do it, you're making your Overlord jealous with the amount of action you're getting. Legendary "Speardwarf," indeed. Stop showing off, 'kay?
Yrs Contemplatively,
All-Seeing, Single and Rather Frustrated Overlord
Post by: Teneb on May 18, 2011, 06:47:45 pm
Due to your brilliant decision to go on break in the exact moment the cage traps needed to be reloaded the fort was overrun by trogs and would have been destroyed, if not by Urist McAxedwarf. You are expected to report for explorer duty in the third cavern layer once you finish your bloody break.
Signed,
Your glorious and very angry overlord
Post by: Endiqua on May 19, 2011, 08:08:36 am
In many ways, this has been the best fortress ever. We have more of the blue stuff than we know what to do with (what a problem to have, eh?), likewise booze and prepared food. I frequently discover many of you military folk diligently killing off anything that comes near. Even you marksdwarves handle things on your own. The caverns are essentially a safe place to visit, and I find many of you loitering down there amongst the fungus.
We have breached hell and fought off the initial wave thanks to repeating spikes with the loss of only one recently arrived sacrificial miner and a baby. (And no one even cared, although you do all seem to admire their slabs.) No one else has come knocking from below. The ambushes have been annihilated in mere seconds. I have no weapon traps built around the entrance and a raising drawbridge we've never even used. We have magma and water and sand and clay and flux and iron.
Many of you have furniture or statues made of your favorite materials. I even have stooped to buying some wooden furniture from the elves (at a PROFIT) simply because some of you have it on your wish list. You civilians even have a special outfit, a new thing for me.
Time grows short for you, though, I fear. I wanted savagery and evil and searched long for a location with a little bit of that in it, and other than the occasional werewolf, it's not happening. Things are going so well that....I find myself growing bored and wondering what an all-savage region would be like.
Say, I have an idea...let's make an all-blue kick-ass dining room before we go, shall we? With a mist generator? And then maybe let's go check out the downstairs levels to see what we can stir up...just for the Hell of it.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer who's not quite ready to let you go (but it's only a matter of time....)
Post by: Sarda on May 19, 2011, 08:31:55 am
Post by: Endiqua on May 19, 2011, 08:37:23 am
Endiqua, colonize hell.
Yeah, that's what I meant about "downstairs." :D
Post by: Niccolo on May 19, 2011, 11:01:53 am
Dear Mountainhomes:
Thank you so, so, SO much for sending me three new miners - all at high level, too! You guys really pulled out all the stops. However, I know you send out other migrants who happen to have skills my fortress does not - but given I'm so deep in mountains that they have to ship in daylight by pack train, I don't give a flying Elven shit about fish.
Though they are replenishing my sorley-depleted military, so I guess that's a plus.
Yours sincerely,
Administrator of Streamtrades.
Dear local Goblins:
Fuck you all.
Sincerely,
The guy who will plunder your home.
Post by: Alternatecash on May 19, 2011, 11:57:09 pm
I understand that cotton candy is delicious. This does not mean that the second I find some that you should pour out of the circus to defend it. Nor should you bypass my security by swimming up-river and up my hydropower plant. Jerks.
Irritatedly yours, the former demiurge of Moisttools.
Post by: Corwyn on May 20, 2011, 05:11:34 am
Wow. You are champs, seriously.
If I knew where to begin I would do so in an orderly fashion, but I wow.
First, our brave miners tap two lines into a cornerpiece of the circus. How you missed the warning strands of cotton candy I'll never know and I can't ask now. Upon breaking into the cavern, you two saw filth on the walls and over the dozens of dwarves and elves and humans, and thought the best thing to do was rush in and start cleaning! I don't know what spurred this on, the fort's been immaculate and I suppose you didn't want the smell of stuff rotting to bother delicate noses.
I prayed to have a small buffer of time to wall up the entry from the main stair before the fortress was doomed. Set a spot for a wall, set a piece of floor further inside and suspend it...
Then TERRORS FROM THE CIRCUS!x9 overwhelm the first miner. And the farmer who decided that cleaning is what all the cool kids are doing these days and had gone down in there. Tentacles and badness.
To our benefit, all non-military had been given war dogs, war lions, and war horses/mules as guards just in case someone was outside and got hit by an ambush. The miners, given two dogs apiece, those poor pups will be missed. They bought time but not enough for themselves or the miners.
Chaos ensues, half the military is asleep, Clowns scare away the masons from completing their job, but our caravan from the mountainhomes was here, and their guards joined our 6 elite champions who thoughtfully grabbed weapons I had stored in the barracks next to the armor.
Demons are fighting the soldiers, Clowns are chasing the trader and liason around, all the fort is mobilized into the military except the trader. He gets mason duty. it's dangerous work, but someone has to step up and show their skill at rushing the circus armed with just a war lion as backup.
Animals throw themselves for their masters, insane dwarves and elves and humans spill out into the fortress, too much time at the circus can do that to you. Repeats of demons scaring away the mason job, a death, another death, poor warbeasts!
Then finally job completed! The wall is up! Clowns are put down somehow thanks to the benefit of the extra mighty caravan guards... Trader goes back to the depot, finishes trading trinkets, goes to have a drink while I remove military status from the survivors. The refuse pile is expanded to every exposed to sunlight surface I can find, miasma is three layers thick. So many body parts, so many demons... The second miner goes mad before she can start digging out a catacomb.
9 total deaths from the fortress dwarves, one pet cat of a recruit is found buried in the tombs. Tantrums have de-escalated now that those upset with living beserked or went melencholy (our other miner).
With nothing left to fight, the military stands down, and one dies from wounds received -sparring- with those grand weapons I had bought from the last caravan in here. A champion cut down in his prime by training accidents.
You've done a fair job surviving this horror, clown paint is everywhere, and there's now some 20 dead wandering dwarves and elves, dead from circus injuries perhaps we've buried, the master trader has been making fine kaolite coffins since returning from break. Though if our brewer snaps again we may be short on booze.
To the weaponsmith, now legendary, congrats, you took those pieces of cotton candy and fashioned an artifact war hammer, studded with more cotton candy, and despite the horrors of battle, drew pictures of clouds upon the head and called it Brightnessworkers, the Deified Sea, worth 1,080,000 dorfbucks. Yes, these were some workers shining with dwarfy determination. Deification will take awhile to sort out, though Armok was obviously finished with his gigglefit and spared us to shed more blood later.
To the new migrants, welcome, we hope your stay will be pleasant and you'll all be hard workers. Don't mind the mess or smell, in fact, get to cleaning, lots of work to go around here. To you, random tanner, you're now our sherrif. I'll have a place and office for you shortly and some jail cells. Don't think you're getting the artifact hammer for your job, I'll make another one for you by the new legendary smith.
~Corwyn, overseer, astounded.
Post by: Niccolo on May 20, 2011, 09:28:31 am
Our correspondence these past months has been spotty at best. Your previous messenger had a bad habit of delivering
his messages via crossbow bolt, something my commander did not appreciate. He suffocated last night.
To improve communication between us, I am currently training up a team of postal workers. I hope that further talks between
us result in less dwarven blood being shed.
Also, please be so kind as to stop delivering messages to my miners.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Streamtrades.
Post by: jaxy15 on May 20, 2011, 10:49:02 am
Come.
ON.
You were in the lowest level of the tower during the siege.
Did you have to just rush out and attack without picking up any goddamn bolts?
Sincerely,
Angry overseer.
Post by: xeivous on May 20, 2011, 05:33:08 pm
Dear black bears pastured in a room,Why not make them war-bears?
Breed more. We need meat for our meat industry, and making *black bear roast*s.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: jaxy15 on May 21, 2011, 01:16:14 am
Only grizzlies can be trained. I have black bears.Dear black bears pastured in a room,Why not make them war-bears?
Breed more. We need meat for our meat industry, and making *black bear roast*s.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: Shardok on May 21, 2011, 04:12:42 am
Dearest Kivish,
You are a traitor to your race. Please report to the nearest termination booth immediately.
The Seas of Worth
"The item is a masterfully designed image of elves in iron by Kivish Koganzat. The elves are laughing. The artwork relates to the defeat of The Seal of Gills of The Constructs of Anguish and pillaging of Helmeddead by The Sister of Ashes in the early autumn of 120 during The Fifteenth Pillaging of Helmeddead.
It is encircled with bands of reindeer bone."
Though I must say, the reindeer bone is a nice touch. But again, termination booth. Now.
Sincerely,
Your Friend and Overseer,
Shardok, Servant of Xom.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 21, 2011, 04:37:38 am
I know we didn't have any hammers when I recruited you, because we're just now managing to ramp up production and you are this fortress' first sheriff. But when I buy a few, you can't dive headlong into the mountainhome's cart to dig the near-masterwork steel one out of the pile of bolts and swords, when out military needs it. That cheap copper one was for you.
I just wish I could figure out how to assign you a specific one, so I won't have to drop you into the magma the first time you club a useful dwarf to death.
Sincerely,
the frustrated overseer.
Dear animal trainer,
We have more interesting animals than these dogs. Train some bears. Get those horses shod in iron. Make some war-water-buffalo. Put a helmet on the new leopard, hand a shield to the chimpanzee. Anything.
You have got to get bored after the forty-seventh wardog.
Post by: Niccolo on May 21, 2011, 04:58:50 am
Kindly stop eating all the Goddamn plump helmets. Thanks to you lot, you'll have no booze until the next caravan arrives. Which, I might remind you, is several months away. And we're expecting a wave of migrants soon. Good luck!
Post by: Korva on May 21, 2011, 02:03:37 pm
Post by: jaxy15 on May 21, 2011, 02:05:37 pm
Whoa, cool it there, buddy.
Don't run close to the GCS to shoot.
You're lucky it didn't inject venom into you.
Post by: Ahrimahn on May 21, 2011, 02:22:22 pm
Kivish Koganzat, General Labor has created Allas Duthal, a iron statue of elves!
Dearest Kivish,
You are a traitor to your race. Please report to the nearest termination booth immediately.
The Seas of Worth
"The item is a masterfully designed image of elves in iron by Kivish Koganzat. The elves are laughing. The artwork relates to the defeat of The Seal of Gills of The Constructs of Anguish and pillaging of Helmeddead by The Sister of Ashes in the early autumn of 120 during The Fifteenth Pillaging of Helmeddead.
It is encircled with bands of reindeer bone."
Though I must say, the reindeer bone is a nice touch. But again, termination booth. Now.
Sincerely,
Your Friend and Overseer,
Shardok, Servant of Xom.
[/quote\
was that a dwarven defeat?
Post by: Shardok on May 21, 2011, 02:28:02 pm
Just looked at my coins and noticed they depict The Constructs of Anguish, a Dwarven civilization... Something tells me he made a statue depicting his Own civilization being pillaged.
Yep, those are OUR ancestral mountain homes being pillaged too. Though thankfully he didn't depict the destruction of them 400 years later. Or the horribly failed attempt to reclaim them 200 years after that.
In the early spring of 5706, The Hammer of Genius of The Constructs of Anguish founded Minedrock. (My current fortress) Now I feel that I might be doing some great evil against all of Dwarven civilization by sticking that elven statue in my Baron's house. Hehe.
Post by: The_Final_Stand on May 21, 2011, 03:01:18 pm
You know how that room is marked "DANGER!"? The one that another child just walked in to, then crawled out of and suffocated from numerous stab related wounds?
Yeah, don't go in that room.
Your Benevolent Overseer.
Post by: Ahrimahn on May 21, 2011, 03:40:10 pm
I haven't checked, because I didn't want to leave my game and check, but I'll definitely check right now.DUMP IT IN THE MAGMA SEA!
Just looked at my coins and noticed they depict The Constructs of Anguish, a Dwarven civilization... Something tells me he made a statue depicting his Own civilization being pillaged.
Yep, those are OUR ancestral mountain homes being pillaged too. Though thankfully he didn't depict the destruction of them 400 years later. Or the horribly failed attempt to reclaim them 200 years after that.
In the early spring of 5706, The Hammer of Genius of The Constructs of Anguish founded Minedrock. (My current fortress) Now I feel that I might be doing some great evil against all of Dwarven civilization by sticking that elven statue in my Baron's house. Hehe.
do it its magma safe so you wont have bad thoughts from destroying it
Dear Mayor
ever since the unfortunate incident of a slade loving mayor demanding we make stuff out of it I investigate everything about our mayors likes and dislikes. This is why im very disturbed at you liking slaves! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?! Why would your political party nominate someone who finds slavery acceptable? Who voted for you? WHAT THE HELL
-The Man Who Hunts Down Goblin Spies
Post by: jaxy15 on May 21, 2011, 04:16:18 pm
I was thinking about saving you, but no, it just turns out that you want cotton candy for your armor.
Fuck you, you're not getting the metal. Go stark raving mad, melancholy, berserk, I don't care.
Post by: ledgekindred on May 21, 2011, 05:48:28 pm
That was your thirteenth kid just now. Cut it out. It's not a clown car. You keep doing that and I'll show you what a clown car is.
Yrs
Finitely Patient Overlord
P.S.
Dear Urist McIdiot
We just built that trough because of a forgotten beast with deadly blood. Do you see the dwarf right next to you filling it with a bucket? You do? Then why in the name of Armok are you fishing in it?! It's a puddle of blood and muck! What do you expect to catch?! Other than a syndrome, that is.
Yrs
Incredibly Baffled Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on May 21, 2011, 09:54:51 pm
Your entire fortress will fall to the horrifying effects of the disease, if that dwarf had their way.
Dear Autotroph McCavemoss,
Please stop growing all over my beautiful golden-yellow sand.
Go back to YOUR cave,
Your epileptic host
Post by: Manae on May 21, 2011, 10:29:53 pm
Dear Urist McSheriff,
I know we didn't have any hammers when I recruited you, because we're just now managing to ramp up production and you are this fortress' first sheriff. But when I buy a few, you can't dive headlong into the mountainhome's cart to dig the near-masterwork steel one out of the pile of bolts and swords, when out military needs it. That cheap copper one was for you.
I just wish I could figure out how to assign you a specific one, so I won't have to drop you into the magma the first time you club a useful dwarf to death.
Sincerely,
the frustrated overseer.
Well now, this just requires me to dig up this one:
Dear Urist McNewSheriff
I assigned you, some weak, worthless nobody, to this position just so you could go up, punch the legendary glassmaker who threw a tantrum earlier and hit somebody, and have justice be done without any major incident. Instead, you decided to bash her face through her brain on the second swing. I swear to Armok, if it weren't for the lack of sand in this fortress--and the two other glassmakers withdrawing from society to make some worthless baubles right after that first now-dead dwarf--you would either be swimming in the magma sea, looking for a forgotten beast in the caverns, or trying to chase off the next goblin siege wearing the same equipment you have on now: you tattered clothes and fists.
Eye-twitchingly yours,
The Overseer
Post by: krenshala on May 22, 2011, 03:59:32 am
You can specify the material for each item in the uniform list. There's a way to assign specific items too but I never do that so I don't rememeber. ::) Specify a copper hammer for your sheriff's uniform, or just leave it weaponless to be even more on the safe side?m -> e -> select the dwarf in question -> W -> specific weapon -> the weapon you want hir to use :D
I have to do this so my noob spear dwarves grab training spears without having to try and figure out if you can automagically change the uniform for a squad without disbanding the squad. (Well, I don't pick 'specific weapon' but you get the idea.) Once they also have real spears (copper in my current fortress) I go back in and remove the training spear entry so they unload them (and then I sell them to the humans).
BTW, you can actually kill badgers (non-giant) and macaques with training spears ... it just requires a lot of pounding to get them unconscious so you can take the head shot that actually finishes them off.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 22, 2011, 04:22:04 am
To prevent further grumblings, I've finally set up dwarf wash troughs going into the dining room and hospital. Once those get crudded up with FB goo, do I need a way to flush them, or does FB nast not affect dwarves if it's diluted?
Post by: jaxy15 on May 22, 2011, 04:55:29 am
Stop fucking letting everyone die by attacking the clowns ALONE.
Get some common sense, you fucking bastards.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 22, 2011, 06:10:04 am
AAAAGH! For Armok's sake, we just dug in and disassembled the wagon, when you swing in from off the edge of our territory and made a beeline for the pile and grabbed everything you could without even slowing down.
I'm glad that five of the dozen of you stopped to take a drink or smell flowers or something, and found our military caving your skulls in with crossbows. I just wish it had been the one that somehow managed to drag our anvil away.
Setting up traps for your next attempt,
the overseer of Hollowmirrored.
Seriously, I'm absolutely certain we brought an anvil.
Post by: MasterMorality on May 22, 2011, 12:37:25 pm
You're interrupted by a Goblin. A Goblin lying outside the fort, while you are at very least, behind rows of cage traps, behind a couple of drawbridges and wall and several floors underground. You are also guarded by a fairly competent military.
Most importantly? That goblin is lying in a pool of it's own blood, covered in large wounds, and passed out from pain. If it could even pick it's spear up, it would be impressive. As it is, you don't have to be scared of it. There is no way it will survive for much longer. If it does, I will be impressed. Either way, I'm not drafting the military to kill a single, mostly-dead Goblin.
Also: We have a boat lod of eggs. We also have an untold number of seds. Why don't you cook and eat those?
Butchers, get to butchering the designated animals. Cooks - DO YOUR SODDING JOBS. We might survive this yet.
Yours sincerely,
The Overlord.
Post by: Duntada Man on May 22, 2011, 02:36:03 pm
I apologize profusely for your accidental and grizzly death... as well as the 30 other dwarves in the mess hall that died before the military could get its act together and put an end to the shenanigans.
When I told you to move "Racon Vadist, the Hydra of Raping" I though I was asking you to move the "Raccoon" to the slaughtering pits. The names are very similar I understand, so you can see my mistake in assigning this.
I can not quite understand your mistake however. You should have noticed that while racoons are small and fuzzy, have little bandits masks on their one and only head, hydra have many rows of teeth on their many many heads. They are also huge, and have scales. You can see a fundamental difference there that is not quite displayed by text. If you can pause the game and warn me I am digging into a wet tile because there is a river above you, why can't you pause the game and inform me that racoons are suddenly larger than we remember?
Sincerely,
Aspect of Armok: Accidental Destruction.
Post by: TheeBaconman on May 22, 2011, 03:48:46 pm
I know I left you dwarves to do your jobs by yourself. Armok required some sustenance beyond your understanding. But how above the clown cars did you not handle the troglodyte problem that materialized!!
Some of you were in the military!! Trained in the room of spears!!! Ya'll keep telling me about the useless children you have, but you don't freeze frames with the beard powers I have provided you for getting chased by monsters!!!!
I know I made the stairs go straight up to the arteries of your home. However I also expected you to.. well I don't know.. HIT SOMETHING for my sake! I have reworked the system so troglodytes shouldn't sneak up on you again. You, thirty or so, running elves you. You have been warned, the next time you think you can run away without injury I will work my magic to crush your moods.
With magma, Armok
*later*
Dear, underground defense unit.
To the wrestler, great job getting strangled by that troglodyte. You left the novices all alone. You wrestlers are not to be left alone on guard duty.
Also, to you all, your performance is lacking. How did they get around you? Your beds are a few steps away from the stairs!
With despisation, Armok
Post by: Lielac on May 22, 2011, 04:51:39 pm
To: Holdcraft In General
Re: Those goddamn PUPPIES!
Kill them all. We needs food. All those free, please create a few new butcher's shops and help ease the workload.
Post by: Niccolo on May 23, 2011, 10:39:16 am
Look, I know you want beds. But you idiots have rocks in the bedrooms. If you'd kindly move those Goddamn rocks, you'd have space to build the bloody things. And you, Urist Mcmayor! Stop getting distracted by picking bloody plants! We DON'T NEED MORE PLANTS WE NEED YOU TO MOVE FUCKING ROCKS.
Sincerely,
The guy who controls the magma. Hint.
Post by: Sidhien on May 23, 2011, 05:59:41 pm
We have a designated dormitory for a reason. Please learn from Urist's example and do not sleep under the atom smasher.
Thank you.
Post by: Necro910 on May 23, 2011, 06:12:08 pm
To the Stone Haulers of Nobledye,LOL.
We have a designated dormitory for a reason. Please learn from Urist's example and do not sleep under the atom smasher.
Thank you.
That right there, is win. "Ugh, too tired. I'm gonna go sleep on this nice bed of dead vermin. OH DEAR ARMO-"
Urist has been crushed.
Post by: snoopychicken on May 23, 2011, 06:59:28 pm
Whilst we have a pretty relaxed attitude to immigration we would appreciate it if you could send less potash/cheesemakers. We wouldn't mind but we don't need potash and don't even have a dairy industry. Maybe you could think about sending a few more smiths or soldiers? Perhaps when our citizens aren't getting slaughtered by Goblins due to lack of military personnel/armour/weapons we can think about making a good bit of cheddar.
Yours faithfully,
Citizens of TestedHelms
Post by: Justiceface on May 23, 2011, 08:00:46 pm
It has become irritatingly evident to me that you are a bunch of lazy good-for-nothings when not wielding your precious slaughtering devices. If there's no military action to be had, the lot of you slack off and decide to do absolutely nothing. When there were only ten or so of you doing this, I could handle it. Now that the population of the fortress has cracked one hundred, I cannot bring myself to manually reassign each and every one of your civilian tasks myself. Please stop acting like such morons before I station you under the drawbridge and smash you all into little bits. I've never actually seen a tantrum spiral, you know...
Signed,
Your Cranky Overlord, Controller of the Atom Smashers
Post by: evileeyore on May 23, 2011, 09:32:18 pm
Thank you for your corespondence. We absolutely love to hear from our benighted country brethren.
Now as to your issues:
"...we would appreciate it if you could send less potash/cheesemakers. We wouldn't mind but we don't need potash and don't even have a dairy industry."
Neither do we. Those deluded sots have no value in our beloved mountianhome, and we aren't even sure whom is training them! We believe it be the Elves! Dirty terrorist scoundrels!
Regardless, as those Dwarves have highly placed family members and Guild Representation, we cannot just deal with them as one would a XXPigtail SockXX. So we are forced to send them out into the world to [-]be killed in your lava death trap[/-] earn their place.
"Maybe you could think about sending a few more smiths or soldiers?"
Yes. We hear that an awful lot. Unfortunately being the High Seat of Dwarven Industry we are besieged most ferociously. Should the Goblins, Elves, Humans, Forgotten Beasts, and Clowns ever let up, we will send you additional soldiers. Until then please continue sending us those wonderful chert musicboxes your quaint rural craftsDwarfs are so good at making.
"Perhaps when our citizens aren't getting slaughtered by Goblins due to lack of military personnel/armour/weapons we can think about making a good bit of cheddar"
Oh could you? We don't seem to have any MilkDwarfs or Cheesemakers and as such have an absolute derth of good cheese.
Urist McSovereign the Second, Ruler of MountianHome
Post by: Deus Machina on May 23, 2011, 11:23:13 pm
Seriously, do you guys get together about this or something?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
With face in palm,
the overseer.
Post by: Peewee on May 24, 2011, 08:00:25 am
[-]be killed in your lava death trap[/-]
You're looking for the
Code: [Select]
[s]Strikethrough[/s] tags.
Post by: Sarda on May 24, 2011, 08:16:52 am
Post by: evileeyore on May 25, 2011, 12:58:02 am
{quote author=evileeyore link=topic=63417.msg2294154#msg2294154 date=1306204338][-]be killed in your lava death trap[/-][/quote}
You're looking for the {code]{s]Strikethrough[/s}[/code} tags.
[/quote}
What's that? I can't read you through all that Strikethrough.
Post by: Mr Frog on May 25, 2011, 01:32:56 am
I, your
However, conspiring with your fellow miners to ensure that you all go on break at the same time, every time is mean, spiteful, obnoxious, irritating and, most importantly, has been scientifically proven to significantly increase your chances of being immolated due to a freakish mishap involving a magma trap.
With Love,
Your Kind And Glorious Leader
Post by: Axedwarf on May 25, 2011, 02:12:05 am
it was a really witty thing to commit the murder of the previous mayor during the strike for booze. The recruits were so occupied beating the dorfs at the statue garden that you easily sneaked in the room (and ate your meal in the room of the victim to celebrate it). I asked the engravers to do something for you.
By the way, do you want the baron's room? yeah, go on! that's not a problem, we'll do him a second one if he ever comes. Is there enough gold in it for you? do you prefer Electrum!?
please do it quickly,
Urist McNewMayor
Post by: Niccolo on May 25, 2011, 02:20:11 am
That is a channel rapidly filling with magma. Get the hell out.
Post by: Dwarf_Fever on May 25, 2011, 02:27:17 am
It is the duty of _The Illustrious Overlord_ to regretfully inform you that your son, the miner Urist McDoltbeard has passed away in defense of our Glorious Mother-Colony. While the rumors are true that he singlehandedly brought a Forgotten Beast through miles and miles and miles of tunnels to our very thresholds in the Eastern Mineshafts, do not think for a moment it posed a serious threat to our military might. Further, your late son Comrade Urist completely redeemed the honor of your family and averted nearly all of the wrath of _The Illustrious Overlord_ by alerting us to the continued presence of the enemy through his high-pitched and
Ultimately, he fell in our victorious battle against the beast, which coincided for no reason at all exactly with the unexplainable and completely unrelated earth-shaking noise coming from the Eastern Mineshafts. _The Illustrious Overlord_ wishes you to know that everything was done to save this young hero's life, but he gave it gladly and willingly in defense of our brave colony and the lives therein. For this reason, we have spared no expense in erecting an immense, block-shaped monument directly over the
Long live the Glorious Mother-Colony!
_The Illustrious Overlord_
PS: Please allow 1-2 days to visit this grand monument in the new "Hammer and Anvil Burrows," commemorating our crushing victory, as in another unrelated coincidence the
Post by: senamic on May 25, 2011, 06:15:44 am
When your most glorious leader gives an order to kill vultures, please, kill the vultures? You and your squad of seven are the only defense in this experimental above ground colony that the mountainhomes have ordered us to construct. Your leader has armed you. They have armoured you. You are well fed, and you all sleep comfortably in nice dormitories. However, the food depot is yet to be roofed, and the vultures are the reason your fellow citizens are cranky about the lack of access to alcohol. See to it that this infestation is solved soon, while it may be fun, it is important for the survival of the fort.
Your Most Glorious Leader
Post by: billybobfred on May 25, 2011, 03:16:09 pm
Re: your new job
The fort does not need animal dissectors. You understood this and took up mining at my request.
Then you died for no reason. No combat logs, no nothing. Just, "Logem Emalimush, Animal Dissector has died after colliding with an obstacle." What obstacle? I always practice safe mining, so there should have been no reason to fall, and even if you had spored up in that manner, it was at most 2 z-levels.
What the circus is wrong with you? I mean, aside from being dead.
Post by: Jake on May 25, 2011, 04:01:48 pm
Post by: Conrad on May 26, 2011, 12:32:35 am
Dear Urist McLeatherWorker,
While I understand that I should have put up precautions to disallow you from crossing the frozen river just before spring, I feel this was your fault. Three other dwarfs were crossing the river at the same time and all were wise enough to climb out the escape ramps I had dug out for this very occasion.
What confuses me was your exact reasoning for the actions you took when the ice melted. As stated, your comrades climbed out of the river calmly and immediately. Perhaps I overestimated the importance of staying calm in such a situation. Why did you, upon hitting the river floor, decide "This is an excellent place for a nap"? It was NOT an excellent place for a nap. How does one even go to sleep underwater? How does one REMAIN ASLEEP underwater?
Your confused Overlord,
Conrad
Post by: gentgeen on May 26, 2011, 03:09:37 pm
I understand that dorfs are sometimes social creatures, who enjoy making new friends and talking to each other. However, when you are working, you are supposed to be catching turtles and other yummy swimming foods. That surface pool I walled in to provide a safe fishing environment has about 60 bordering tiles you can fish from. Why do you all occupy the same tile, at the same time, when looking for fish? Don't you think all of you at the same place, making friends with each other, might let the turtles know you're there?
Signed,
The absent count of Ololil
Post by: Deus Machina on May 26, 2011, 03:38:12 pm
I have 'food hauling' and 'animal hauling' enabled for you guys because I can't really figure out which out which it counts as. And, while I don't expect you to come running back every time you pull a turtle out of the water to roll around on its back in the last moments of its dreary amphibious life, I do expect you to pick up at least one when you head back for a drink.
Watching all those poor turtles from above,
the overseer.
Dear Urist McFarmer,
You. Yes, you. The one who's supposed to be growing stuff. We don't have a place to grow things. You know why? Because it's also your job to plant stuff. That's why I told you to do it.
So, when you're planting, finish the job. I have to lock you in with a turtle to get you to do that. And that first harvest time, you were in the middle of pulling plump helmets out of the ground when you decided to go hunt down and eat a rat, or bugs, or whatever. You have a plump helmet in your hand. Eat that, then pick the rest!
Locking you in in the future,
the overseer.
Dear badgermen,
Your friends the giant badgers came--in one case literally--on the heels of our first migrant wave. Only half actually arrived, and they handily cut down our military. Then you guys move in and methodically eat all the sunbaked turtles next to the lake, our entire stockpile of food--then the dwarf gathering it and growing it.
Usually, you're supposed to kill the dwarves off, then move in. Not set up shop, drop your meager belongings into the bedrooms, and realize "hey, there are a bunch of short drunks in our dining room!"
Enjoy your new home, bastards.
Going to reclaim just to channel the volcano into the dining hall,
the former overseer.
Post by: Jelle on May 26, 2011, 04:03:57 pm
Pond grabbers really aren't that scary. And water is not something to be feared.
So please for the love of armok when you get suddenly get dragged down into deep water whilst passing the bridge on the way to the farmlands, don't swim around aimlessly trying to escape that beast.
That and don't try and wrestle it whilst choking on water.
So just get your wet fat ass out of the water and let the marskdwarves take care of it.
Sincerely
The guy designing the future 1 z level higher bridge
Post by: TubaDragoness on May 26, 2011, 04:45:39 pm
The carp in the river can not get to you. Please stop giving me combat alerts.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Corwyn on May 26, 2011, 11:01:46 pm
First point of topic. Mayor, are you a prophet? Psychic? What possessed you to take that name?
Second point of topic. Miners, you found adamantite! Armok is a kind and fickle when he's not going to kill us all sort of god isn't he? You found adamantite, by digging that staircase into a hole over the entrance to the circus!
Third and last point. A staircase cannot be floored over. Hatches won't stop clowns. Since the staircase was never constructed on that level, only just enough to open a hole and peek down into the level below, that was enough for the
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Here's hoping the next group of dwarves to set up a fort here make out better than you guys...
~Giant X of Doom and Merriment.
Post by: Kraftwerk on May 26, 2011, 11:04:36 pm
If you're going to convince your squad to massacre all of your friends in the fortress, and break every bone in a woman's body with a sandle, at least don't pretend to be "Attending a Meeting." as your current labor.
Post by: MythagoWoods on May 26, 2011, 11:28:42 pm
Stop embarking next to the river with crocodiles. I'm getting tired of losing 7 dwarves before I can react.
Sincerly,
The Unfortunate Embarker
Post by: Niccolo on May 27, 2011, 01:36:19 am
Dear Urist Dakonsibrek,
If you're going to convince your squad to massacre all of your friends in the fortress, and break every bone in a woman's body with a sandle, at least don't pretend to be "Attending a Meeting." as your current labor.
That's a pretty damn hardcore meeting right there.
"I'm attending the meeting of my sandal with that woman's entire skeleton."
Post by: Conrad on May 27, 2011, 09:38:36 pm
I was truly worried as I saw that Cyclops sitting on top of the entrance waiting in ambush. Then you showed up and I was ready for your suicide.
Ten seconds later, and you're standing there solo bashing in the one-eyed freak's head thirty times in a row with your axe.
I no longer worry about the safety of my fort.
Post by: Mrhappyface on May 27, 2011, 11:06:01 pm
The beasts from beyond time that are currently lurking in our basement should not be of any concern. However, you seem to have gotten it into your heads that a beast with a shredded torso and lower body, along with a punctured lung, and severe internal bleeding lying 70 feet below the lowest entrance is terrifying you guys into a traffic jam. 5 of you idiots died of thirst. While I would normally be more forgiving, the fact that we lost our best weaponsmith due to FUCKING CROWDING is unnaceptable. Have fun being locked in your quarters for 3 months!
Sincerely, Avatar of the Dark God
Post by: Corwyn on May 28, 2011, 05:22:36 am
How long have you been practicing your kobold punting? I didn't see the combat report, I did see a brief flash of you and the kobold thief, and then a corpse being punted off the mountain 57 tiles diagonally where it hit the border to the unknown lands to the south.
You and your squad will have permission to sleep in your new quarters with some of that legendary glassmaker's furniture to style it.
~ Amused, but now really worried about tantrums, Giant X of Doom & Merriment.
Post by: shadenight123 on May 28, 2011, 07:46:03 am
you have rock pots.
you have wooden barrels.
you have bins.
so why, why MUST YOU PUT THE FOOD IN AN OPEN TILE WHYYYYY.
sincerely, your soon with one dwarf less overlord.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 29, 2011, 05:42:49 am
I know that mason is also the expedition leader, and I know you need to talk to him. But watch what else you're doing.
Really, did you not notice the heat on the other side of that wall? The one he was deconstructing?
Yeah, he got away from it just fine, but I can't imagine your negotiations will go quite as easily now that your lower lip is melted.
Listening for his amusement,
the overseer.
Post by: Noir on May 29, 2011, 07:37:30 am
Dear Assorted Badgers,
The carp in the river can not get to you. Please stop giving me combat alerts.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
I lol'ed!!
Post by: Manae on May 29, 2011, 09:48:55 am
dear urist mccook.
you have rock pots.
you have wooden barrels.
you have bins.
so why, why MUST YOU PUT THE FOOD IN AN OPEN TILE WHYYYYY.
sincerely, your soon with one dwarf less overlord.
Dear Overseer Shadenight:
We understand your discomfort, sir, we really do. It might not look very good to have the food sitting out in the open in the stockpiles. But, we can't manage to squeeze more than 10 meals in a barrel. We figured it'd save space in the long run to just let the stacks of Kitten Tallow Roast x 40 sit out. The kittens that are still alive should protect most of it from any vermin.
Sincerely,
The Food Haulers Union
Post by: jaxy15 on May 29, 2011, 09:51:17 am
What the hell?!
How are you scared by capybara men?!
You took out giant capybaras.
How are you afraid of an unconscious anthropomorphic capybara?!
Post by: Sidhien on May 29, 2011, 02:06:56 pm
I would very much like to know how you managed to generate a stone for practically every tile of our new dining room except for the 8 tiles of hematite our furnace operator had been waiting for.
With anticipation,
Overseer Sid
Post by: Sarda on May 29, 2011, 02:27:25 pm
Dear Urist McNoviceMiner,Dear Overseer Sid,
I would very much like to know how you managed to generate a stone for practically every tile of our new dining room except for the 8 tiles of hematite our furnace operator had been waiting for.
With anticipation,
Overseer Sid
Urist McNoviceDoctor said I needed more iron in my diet. My beard was getting too brittle.
Your obedient servant,
Urist McNoviceMiner
Post by: Valience on May 29, 2011, 05:44:52 pm
I realize that having an entire outfit that you have to put on is hard, and that carrying some ammo on top of that is even harder, but really, you've been told to have your outfit replace your normal clothes so you're always good to go. So why in Armok's fury are you still picking up equipment and providing no support to our front lines against that centaur siege 8 years into the fort?
Contemplating a magma chamber for your uselessness.
Dear Urist McIgnoringBurrows,
I realize you have mechanic enabled. I also realize there is a cage trap that needs changed. However, that trap is and has been outside of every burrow you're allowed to enter during a siege. So what possessed you to run out into a full siege of centaurs and get brutally murdered when you are one of the few legendary engravers of the fort?
You deserved your death, you tool.
Dear Urist McAwesomelyTrainedSteelDwarf,
Hi there. It's me, you know, that guy who helped you become legendary in so many military skills. I was wondering why after mastering hammers, throwing, armor, dodge, shield, and concentration; being nearly a master of fighting, and having various training in support skills such as swimming, biting, kicking, and striking, that you still can't seem to smash someone's skull open when they're lying unconscious at your feet. If you would just aim at their head, I'm fairly certain the other 4 people attacking you would have been just as easily dispatched, and you you wouldn't have had those two lucky hits that took off your left hand and your right arm. Seriously, crack some skulls instead of trying to smash off hooves, you moron.
Sincerely,
Frustrated overseer.
PS- When I toss all of you morons to the clowns, remember you brought it upon yourselves.
Post by: malimbar04 on May 29, 2011, 09:00:32 pm
What's more important - the life of your sadly dead (and buried) friend, or... everyone else in teh fort who is STILL ALIVE. You think destroying a still, a depot, and killing a cat is going to get you places?
And this is why kings around the world keep dwarves in solitary confinement from birth.
Post by: Kastrol Aslaasri on May 29, 2011, 09:24:24 pm
No, you CAN'T grab a barrel of delicious booze with your two arms broken.
Please go to your nearest hospital.
Sincerely, the Overseer.
Post by: OMGTANGERINES on May 29, 2011, 10:08:50 pm
Please don't pull that lever. It's the one that floods the entryway from a highly pressurized major river.
Sincerely, The Overseer.
Post by: Sarda on May 29, 2011, 10:10:38 pm
Dear Urist McHammerdwarf:Yes he can. Look at how dorfs forge stuff, after all.
No, you CAN'T grab a barrel of delicious booze with your two arms broken.
Please go to your nearest hospital.
Sincerely, the Overseer.
Post by: FrankMcFuzz on May 29, 2011, 10:15:35 pm
You have received treament for the wound to your wrist years ago, why do you still flood the messagebox with cancellations of "Too injured"? You only injured one hand, damn it. Use the other one.
Sincerely, the Overseer
Post by: Sarda on May 29, 2011, 10:17:07 pm
Post by: Lielac on May 30, 2011, 12:34:58 am
You may have noticed I made a few military squads. You may have noticed they are unarmed. You definitely noticed the forges, as you built them.
I guess what I'm saying is MAKE ME SOME ARMOK-DAMNED WEAPONS INSTEAD OF PARTYING AND BOOZING, YOU LAZY @#$%!
Only not magma'ing you because you're the only decent weaponsmith and I need you,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Making one battleaxe and then going on break only makes me want to break your face in.
Post by: HoleyDam on May 30, 2011, 12:57:30 pm
Next time I see a dwarf slip past the plumbing grates (that I'm sure were installed properly and don't let dwarves through) I'm turning the water supply on full blast...
- Your baffled Overseer
P.S.: Swim practice at the Fun Room has been canceled.
Post by: PCpaste on May 30, 2011, 03:51:44 pm
The fish that has taken residence under our bridge isn't going to do anything to you. Just cross it, you'll see, you'll be fine.
Patiently, the Overseer of "The Blood-Halls of Mortality".
Post by: evileeyore on May 30, 2011, 04:13:19 pm
Dear Urists,
The fish that has taken residence under our bridge isn't going to do anything to you. Just cross it, you'll see, you'll be fine.
Patiently, the Overseer of "The Blood-Halls of Mortality".
Dear Overseer,
HAVE YE LOOKED IT IN THE EYES? IT'S A MAD CARP I TELL YE! MAD! IT'S GOT THE WITCHY EYE!
Spooked as all get out,
Urist, Urist, and Bomrek
Post by: Niccolo on May 30, 2011, 08:45:37 pm
The doctor probably sucked at treating him. Wound him again.
Only in Dwarf Fortress is the solution to bad surgery to wound them again.
Dear Elves:
I have been gleefully butchering your caravans for as long as my fortress has stood here. Admittedly it's only been two years, but hey. Now look here. Bring something other than piles and piles of cloth; the dwarven capital is getting sick of all the pig-tail-fibre clother I'm foisting off on them.
Sincerely, Administrator of that place none of your brethren return from.
Post by: DrKillPatient on May 30, 2011, 08:57:56 pm
I wish to congratulate you on your recent destruction of Ufalo the forgotten beast. Despite the feathery snail spewing poisonous spittle at you, you managed to block the venom and charge across a small bridge toward it, somehow managing not to fall off as you were batted around by its wings. In addition, although your companions failed to come along for the fight, you singlehandedly (literally, as I recall you lost your right arm a while ago) removed both its wings and sent it crashing to the cavern floor some 25 Urists below with a third and final axe blow to the head. You may have noticed that at the time it was destroying the only support that held the Mayor's office from the roof of the cavern. In killing this beast, you've managed to save the Mayor's life, as well as over one million Urists in wealth-- including several artifacts-- that would have otherwise plummeted downward to its doom. I should hope that this letter gets to you soon, although you may be a bit occupied with strangling the speargoblin squad outside with your bare
Excellent work.
- Overseer KillPatient
EDIT: She just bit a goblin's arms off and kicked his skull in. She'd be getting the mayor's office if it hadn't been engineered to kill whoever's inside it easily in case of slade mandates.
Post by: Syrup Roast on May 30, 2011, 11:12:30 pm
You know what I'd like in this game? Regular checkups from the doctors on the hospital's previous residents. It's not like the doctors are doing much.The doctor probably sucked at treating him. Wound him again.
Only in Dwarf Fortress is the solution to bad surgery to wound them again.
Post by: Samuel on June 02, 2011, 01:02:33 pm
If you're able to identify which chunk of crushed goo used to be your pet, you're welcome to keep the goo.
-Management.
Post by: MantisMan on June 02, 2011, 02:16:09 pm
When mining out a series of designations, please try to mine out one room at a time. That way, I can start designating stockpiles, or building workshops without having to hover over your shoulder and micromanage all of your digging designations.
-Overmind
Post by: gentgeen on June 02, 2011, 06:19:45 pm
Yes, I know that shortly after your caravan's arrival Ololil was besieged by goblins. (Interesting coincidence, hmmm) However, your merchants were already much closer to the entrance of the Cañon of Death then the closest gobbos, who were otherwise busy chasing down a puppy that had been allowed to wander around. Had they just continued on into the Cañon and then to the trade depot, they'd be safe, and we'd be trading happily whilst the gobbos and trolls ground themselves into ribbons in the Cañon. Instead, they decided to flee, right into a squad of trolls. Good luck with that.
The Missing Count of Ololil
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 05, 2011, 06:42:58 am
Dear Urist McSitechooser,...Why are you unhappy, again?
I suppose I am not as miffed as I could have been. I did not, thankfully, spend much time trying to rescue you and your 6 companions from the fate you clearly wanted. However, in case it is not obvious to you, a lake which literally opens up into the mouth of Hell is not a suitable place for a new settlement to extend the power and glory of the Mountianhomes. Please enjoy gargling demon mayonaise.
your Bugged Out Overseer
---
Dear Urist McMechanic,
We have lots of booze, in a stockpile next to the river you hopped into. Also, you can drink from the river's edge if you are sick of all of the three types of booze we have. Also also, if you aren't trying to commit suicide, swim downstream and either jump to the mayor's dining room or slide down the waterfall to the escape ramps. You might get badly injured in the process, but you have a better chance of surviving that than if you just SIT THERE.
Oh, look, he drowned. Great, he's my only mechanic. Idiot.
Post by: Ahrimahn on June 05, 2011, 07:49:08 am
PULL THE FUCKING BRIDGE LEVER! THERE ARE OVER 20 WEREWOLVES $) SCAVENGERS AND 10 GOBLINS! DO YOU WANT THEM GETTING IN!
Post by: Oliolli on June 05, 2011, 09:35:25 am
Yes.
-Urist McLeverPuller
Post by: shadenight123 on June 05, 2011, 12:50:12 pm
Dear Ahrimahn
Yes.
-Urist McLeverPuller
and i'm a little bit thirsty, so i'll go grab a drink *etched in blood on the floor, next to a dead dwarf...with a barrel in hand.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 05, 2011, 01:07:24 pm
You are an obsidian dwarf. You can throw fireballs. I expected that you would use those in combat given previous experience modding toads to run mountainhomes and breathe dragonfire (long story). Therefore, I gave you archery skill and no weapons.
Don't punch the gargoyle to death. Or, barring that, put on the armor I bought for you first!
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McSameObsidianDwarf,
Alright, you and a coalition of nearby domestic animals have beat the gargoyle into unconsiousness. Now stop gouging lips. Try kicking it in the head or, better yet, using fireballs on it!
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear U. McWowI'mTalkingToThisSameObsidianDwarfALot,
Congrats on...actually, I'm not sure what I'm congratulating you for, a turkey killed the gargoyle. Anyways, three more have been spotted. Good luck!
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urists McAllOtherDwarves,
The domestic animals and militia commander are taking care of the assorted gargoyles. They are all broken all over. You can come within a few hundred feet of the wagon, stockpiles, entrance, workshops, and such. In fact, I suggest it. Otherwise, you'll all starve.
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Gargoyles,
You will be shattered if you keep returning. We might run out of domestic animals soon, but by then the militia commander will have built up her unarmed combat skills. Come in large numbers or, ideally, not at all. I have too much pride to abandon over an issue that I can easily solve. If you promise to leave and never come back or send any of your species here for several years, you can take the dog, turkey, and cave tortoise corpses with you and SURVIVE.
GWG, Overseer of Goldengrave (?!? How appropriate...if we pretend that loamy sand is gold...).
Dear all nonobsidian dwarves,
Stay inside! There is a giant gargoyle rampaging outside!
Postmortem note to Urst McThatSameDa**ObsidianDwarf,
You shoulda thrown fireballs at that ***king giant gargoyle that was threatening to kill half of our population!!!
Sincerely (angry), GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. He died.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 06, 2011, 04:57:16 pm
Excellent! You killed that giant gargoyle! Well, a domestic animal did technically, 'cause none of you had her as a kill, but...Good job!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer
Note to self: Mobs work.
Post by: TheeBaconman on June 06, 2011, 06:30:01 pm
This reclaim has gone slowly, and we have all had to tighten our belts and beards, but this does not mean take a break when we finally put the seeds close to the farms!!
Your fellows have had to drink water, Armok's piss, because of our supply problem. And now that we have the capabilities to actually get Armok's spirits brewed, you take a break.
Once we get fully functional be we will be sure to use Armok's blood, spirits, piss, and a small cliff to teach you a lesson.
From, the inept, yet slightly ambitious, overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 06, 2011, 09:46:49 pm
I have disabled all labors of yours that do not need to be followed instantly. You are also the manager.
MANAGE!
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: ougadas on June 07, 2011, 12:38:40 am
Please kindly explain to me, why the Goblins I provide for your training (armored but not armed) are one-shotted with hammer blows to the head, axe strikes to the head, and sword strikes to the head... but in real combat you can't seem to hit the broad side of a barn floor?
I want a report before your next boozing, or the next danger room training will be performed in the nude with the door locked.
Sincerely,
The Overlord, All Hail the Overlord.
Post by: shadenight123 on June 07, 2011, 01:21:56 am
Dear Urist McMilitia Commander,
Please kindly explain to me, why the Goblins I provide for your training (armored but not armed) are one-shotted with hammer blows to the head, axe strikes to the head, and sword strikes to the head... but in real combat you can't seem to hit the broad side of a barn floor?
I want a report before your next boozing, or the next danger room training will be performed in the nude with the door locked.
Sincerely,
The Overlord, All Hail the Overlord.
Dear overlord, they have strange things in their arms which unbalance me!!! they look pointy, and they scare me, or they are edgy, or cutty! please, pretty please, can i just go back to being a fish dissector??
Post by: evileeyore on June 08, 2011, 01:54:12 am
You sent us to a glacier. You know we're on a glacier. There is no surface water here and nasty deep aquifer. It will be years before we reach the caverns... and anything for these four High Master Fisherdwarfs and the Master Fish Cleaner you've "migrated" to us. They are having a wonderful time operating th bilge pumps 24/7.
The next group you send that have as useless a grouping of skills will be pleasantly employed scraping out the ice ducts.
Sincerely,
the Overseer of Cheerfubusts
Post by: Wurgel on June 08, 2011, 08:32:15 am
Why dont you let the freezing biome of the glazier breach your aquifier?
Sincerely,
Urist McLegendary PressedCheeseMilker
Post by: evileeyore on June 08, 2011, 02:21:50 pm
Dear the Overseer of Cheerfubusts,Dear Mountianhome,
Why dont you let the freezing biome of the glazier breach your aquifier?
Sincerely,
Urist McLegendary PressedCheeseMilker
Ummm. The Miner's Guild, uh, demanded we do it the hard way... and the Woodcutters Guild... hmmm... hang on I'll be right back...
Sincerely,
The Overseer of Cheerfulbusts
(:facepalm: x2 I can't believe I forgot about water freezing. I just had the opposite "problem" setting up the magma heating system to thaw all the surface water at my last fort.)
Post by: PCpaste on June 08, 2011, 08:35:16 pm
You're most likely wondering why you, the leader of this fortress has to engrave the entire thing alone.
Sincerely,
The voice inside your beard
Post by: Niccolo on June 08, 2011, 09:54:48 pm
What on earth have you boys and girls been doing? You're all engravers with nothing else to do except an occasional month in the army - and that is a relatively recent occurrence.
Do you think you could kindly finish engraving the meeting hall before we're all dead of old age?
Sincerely,
Overseer of Riftmachines
Post by: jaxy15 on June 10, 2011, 02:04:07 am
Come the hell on, those axetigers were unconscious.
You could've dealt with them later.
You just HAD to let the second squad go on a rampage.
Thanks to you, our mayor is miserable because his dog pets died, and our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.
Post by: Pistolero on June 10, 2011, 04:07:50 am
our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.
Oh yeah that's going to be awesome.
Post by: jaxy15 on June 10, 2011, 04:10:15 am
She's just very unhappy now.our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.
Oh yeah that's going to be awesome.
Post by: Agent_86 on June 10, 2011, 04:10:52 am
She's just very unhappy now.Oh, what a legendary dining room can't fix...
Post by: Angry Bob on June 10, 2011, 11:05:25 am
Dear Urist mcspammy
STOP F*CKING SAYING YOU CAN'T PICK UP ITEMS TO PLACE THEM IN A STOCKPILE! THEY ARE EASILY ACCESIBLE!
from, the overseer
Solution:
1. Make him a militia captain in a squad with no assigned equipment.
2. Build a 3x3 room filled with 10xmenacing spikes spike traps. Attach all traps to a lever.
3. Station him in that room.
4. Pull the Lever/R
5. ???
6. Profit!
Post by: Lost_Deep on June 10, 2011, 12:01:38 pm
I'm sure you feel pretty good for yourselves.
You finally took a small fortress, totaling 33 dwarves at the time, and killed everyone inside.
I would like to point out that this is not an epic accomplishment.
putting aside the fact that I opened the drawbrige for you, (despite the fact that the door to it's left was completely unlocked) you were really, really bad at the whole "kill the fortress" thing.
I am specifically referring to the fact that this is the third ambush that got into my walls. No, the first two were not repulsed by caravan guards, traps, and military might. Both times, all my civilians were unarmed and running scared (not all that fast, either). In the end, the only way I survived this long is because the first two ambushes got bored and left.
I would just like to say, man up wimps. If you start something, finish it. Don't drag it out over a year. I was down to five dwarves! Five WIMP dwarves!
I'm just saying, finish what you start as soon as possible, or someday you will find a fort that can recover from disaster.
Post by: Wurgel on June 10, 2011, 12:15:31 pm
i know, bolts are heavier then, lets say a featherwood-splint. But if you didnt noticed:
YOU. CANT. SHOOT, WITHOUT. THEM!
See that Mind Flayer with just 3 tentacles left flying over the entrace? Its the last enemy of the siege 2 seasons ago. He doesnt want to retreat or fight. he just floated over the entrace and scares your friends.
So get some stupid bolts and shoot him down. I know you can reach the Ammo-stockpile. YOU WERE SLEEPING IN IT! You even have quivers. Why i know that? i saw you putting 1 single bolt in it. And dont say you carry the masterpiece Crossbows just for fun.
You prety angry floating x
Dear Urist McBrainlesspeasants,
that Mind Flayer above your heads is injured and just floats around. pls just ignor him. And if you cant ignore him, pls run INSIDE the fortress.
Just to get this clear. the entrace to the fortress is a 9 dorf high above-ground straicase, a 15 dorf floor filled with dodge-traps and another 8 dorf staircase. You saw the mindflayer while more or less being INSIDE the fortress. So why do you run outside, over all this stairs and floors, directly to the floating tentacle, when you get frightend by it? and why are now 50 out of 89 dorfs outside and refuse to go inside?
Your nealry berserking floating X.
PS: have fun with the siege, that just arrived. The manson works hard to get the slabs ready.
PPS: and if you manage to enter the fortess (what i dont belive) report to the forgotten-beast-silkfarm. Our giant silk-firering Toad want to have a word with you.
Post by: Niccolo on June 10, 2011, 01:19:40 pm
Yes, you've been besieging my fortress for a while now. And you haven't killed anyone. I know, it's a shame. It's terrible. But really, it's your fault!
You guys have been here before. You know that the only offense is a ranged weapon. My fortress entrance is on a Godforsaken island. There's no way in for you.
So, look. Either go bother one of my neighbouring badgers and get yourselves killed (I'd really like your shiny weapons, since I lack any sort of metal) or just leave. Thank you.
Lord of Riftmachines
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 10, 2011, 06:04:47 pm
Please come and try out our nice, tasty dwarves. Especially the soap makers above ground. They are nice and clean!
Sincerely,
GWG, Overseer.
P.S. Ignore all light green carets along the way.
Post by: TapeNoot on June 11, 2011, 11:41:52 am
While I acknowledge the skill and cunning with which you managed to guide the initial wagon-full of supplies to the current fortress site, including the perilous sea voyage to what surely seemed to be the very edge of the world, I can't help but question your motivation for parking the bloody thing on the lip of the volcano.
I can only assume that the current absence of said wagon implies that it did, in fact, plummet straight down Armok's gullet.
However, I appreciate your managing to unload the wagon before this incident, and somehow managing to balance all the supplies on the same perilously small ledge without incident.
That said, those three logs are being deducted from your pay.
Yours,
Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 11, 2011, 03:58:27 pm
Dear Giant Toad,Dear giant toad,dear overseer
Please come and try out our nice, tasty dwarves. Especially the soap makers above ground. They are nice and clean!
Sincerely,
GWG, Overseer.
P.S. Ignore all light green carets along the way.
*ribbit*
regards,
giant toad
I do not have my Toad-To-Dwarven translator handy. He is busy coding your next iteration. Therefore, please do not just ribbit.
Actually, if you swim across the little cave stream and come to the surface, you will find a translator. As well as a lot of wooden furniture to smash.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.
P.S. I promise that my military won't kill you, if that's what you're worried about...I lost one to a panda, for Armok's sake!
Dear Urist McMiner,
Come out of the aquifer pit to start channeling. You are wasting time by being buffeted against the wall.
On the bright side, I bet a vague modding idea I had might work. Fire creatures could cause the water to sweep along behind in the water...Hm...if the pumps weren't made of wood, I might test it on you.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Greiger on June 11, 2011, 08:57:09 pm
Don't DO that. I put the barracks there for two reasons. 1) It is a surface fortress and I was running out of space to build stuff and 2) Having the barracks be part of the front gate seemed like a logical idea.
When I set the invasion alert you are all exactly where I want you to be already, and you are already in your gear, and even if you somehow WEREN'T, the armory is just one floor up. You had no reason to all pour out of the barracks and head to the meeting hall in the keep on the other side of the fortress before deciding to change to the military icon.
The invaders got in, by walking right through your barracks completely uncontested. And the frikkin FORTRESS GUARD arrived at the scene before you did. Of course, the fortress guard is armed with less than lethal wooden clubs and leftover leather. And they still managed to keep the orcs from killing anybody while you were slowly making your way to the combat site. I mean the captain of the guard soloed their elite lasher to the point where the lasher passed out from over exertion. Again, in nothing but dog leather and wielding a glorified stick.
Keep screwing up like that and the guard will have your job and you will be fired (From the ballista).
The Administration.
P.S. Stop complaining about being relived from duty you fools.
Post by: Niccolo on June 12, 2011, 03:06:42 am
Thank you for deciding to take part in a scientific study of mine. While many of the subjects you sent were passed over for this opportunity, the Elite Bowman was randomly selected to take part in a blind scientific experiment to see if Goblins, like many species of insect, are capable of breathing through their skin.
It is my duty to inform you that, unfortunately, our experimental results were inconclusive; after all of the breathing holes were prepared by our
Yours sincerely,
Head Scientist of Riftmachines
Post by: Roctiv on June 13, 2011, 06:36:30 am
It has been my understanding that the military tradition allows you to give yourself a title once you have been able to slay five enemies. During the last siege, the two dark stranglers you fought brought your total up to six kills, enough to grant yourself the title of "Kebonkan Cog".
Let me ask you :
Why did you have to choose this title in particular ?
Why did you feel the need to cover your entire squad in shame ?
Does it have a particular meaning ? I mean, I know that the barracks are quite far from our marksdwarf tower and that the only thing protecting your feet is a pair of used boots taken from the corpse of an unlucky sieger, but I still think there was another way of telling me of your misfortune.
So no. The Odorous Tiredness of Boots is not an adequate title for an elite marksdwarf. You have therefore been reaffected to stone smoothing duty.
Your facepalming overseer.
Dear dark stanglers,
From a single one of your corpses, we can extract a hundred bone bolts, forty meals, a totem and a hide. Being unarmoured, twenty bone bolts are largely enough to kill one of you, even with a squad of dabbling marksdwarves. Each time you come to siege us, the twenty or so of you are slaughtered quickly, without a chance to fight back. Yet you keep coming.
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. Thank you for contributing to the prosperity of our outpost.
Best regards,
The laughing overseer of Tiristamid.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on June 14, 2011, 06:22:24 pm
I hate you so much right now. I mean it was one bear, and you led it into the fort after deciding to get a drink. Now everyone but you is dead. I hope you slowly rot in that hospital bed
Love,
The Overseer
Post by: Ricky on June 14, 2011, 06:40:15 pm
Thank you kindly for steadily supplying our fortress with meals, crafts, and totems. Due to the Legendary works of our hunter, who has managed to kill over 100 of your kind over the last 5 years, you have kept my fortress full and prosperous. And for the few badgers that have managed to get themselves caught in my traps, thank you for entertaining my military.
Regards,
Your Benevolent Leader
Post by: Mr. Dwarfinton on June 14, 2011, 06:49:03 pm
Yes, I am running a simulation of a prison in this fort. No, you won't be trapped in a small room with one food chute if you make that rope. Yes, the rope which will give us a well since we have run out of plump helmet spawn and booze.
If you continue to fail to do this I'll find a way to keep you alive and trap you in a 1x1 room for the rest of the fort, if you survive.
Sincerely,
Your annoyed overseer.
Post by: PCpaste on June 15, 2011, 08:32:46 am
You're still engraving the entire fortress. Several mayors have taken your place over the years. A few children have been born. We've seen new dogs, eaten old dogs... Survived several goblin armies...
Urist, do you know why i'm doing this to you?
You aren't allowed to stop untuil you know why i'm doing this to you.
With love,
The overseer of the Blood Halls of Mortality
P.S. Stop taking so many breaks, and maybe you'll finish a little sooner. And the Quartzite table party happens every couple minutes, you can just attend the inevatable later one. Just finish up, and you can get back to carrying hundreds of rocks, taking space, taking resources, and attending table parties.
Post by: Alestom on June 15, 2011, 09:08:12 am
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf
Why do you keep bashing people in the HEAD WITH YOUR CROSSBOW WHEN YOU STILL HAVE BOLTS?! Now I have to throw you in the !!FUN!! room since you have too many injuries and we have too few threads for patients. Say hi to Armok for me you Carp Hugging Long-Ears.
Sincerely, Overlord
Dea' Overlord,
But sir! tha' gree'skih' was on tha' ground bleedin' 'is life out! I thought tha' if a lad was dien' we was aloud to kill 'em in tha' most brutal way we could tink of!
Sincereleh UristMcMarksdwarf
Post by: billybobfred on June 15, 2011, 11:32:48 am
Re: Breaks
Your job is simple. You go to your office, you write down some orders, and somehow, magically, these orders get to the workshops. It takes three seconds, and you can goof around for the entire rest of the year.
You do not need breaks.
Normally, I'd find this only mildly irritating. But this is a succession fort! Your delay prevented the prison from being built during my year, and I can't guarantee that the next overlord will have any desire to finish it.
If I could add criminals to the list at will, you'd be scheduled for 100 days for violating a production order. And then you'd be executed because there's no prison to lock you up in. (oh armok i'm a noble what have i become????? D: D: D:)
Post by: jaxy15 on June 15, 2011, 11:34:42 am
Re: The dead vermin hunter
Seriously. The vermin hunting troglodyte wasn't that important.
Don't run to take his corpse if the damn ogre is still there.
Your life was almost ogre.
Post by: The Merchant Of Menace on June 15, 2011, 12:40:27 pm
...
Yours Flammably
Tenshi, Overseer
Post by: jaxy15 on June 15, 2011, 01:12:15 pm
Okay, that's disgusting.
Why the hell did you make a prepared meal from 15 amounts of cocaine and a few reindeer livers?!
Post by: Jamuro on June 15, 2011, 01:46:37 pm
it's not a good idea to go on a break, while the last tile of the wall guarding the fortress is not finished ... and a siege is waiting outside.
10 dead dwarfs and a new
Post by: Greiger on June 15, 2011, 05:34:29 pm
sorry about dragging this ancient one up, but it made me nearly wet myself with laughter, the image of some fish thing coming through a dwarven waterfall, probably covered in blood, going:
'take these *pig tail fibre* socks!'
is too much of an opportunity to miss.
Thank you, I think it was some kind of comedy strange mood for me. Usually my jokes suck.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Okay, that's disgusting.
Why the hell did you make a prepared meal from 15 amounts of cocaine and a few reindeer livers?!
To Overseer,
I thought I heard the fortress guard, seemed to be the best place to stash it all. As an aside, I think I figured out a new biscuit recipe that will knock your socks off.
Urist McWoodcutter.
Post by: Deus Machina on June 15, 2011, 10:50:11 pm
When you came begging for peace, I originally wanted to answer with an axe because 1) this war started when you showed up at my doorstep with some completely unprovoked vendetta against woodcutters' spleens and eyeballs and B) you're also the human law-giver, and I thought responding to "please stop putting bolts through our faces" would best be dealt with "shut up, and deal without your leader".
But I think I'll save that little giggle in case your general ever comes around. That seems more useful.
And I do owe your last caravan guard's Captain McBadass a debt of honor for marching out to meet the last siege with leather armor and a copper spear and single-handedly kill every last troll save the one that beat him with a gold door so the goblins could surround him.
So, I think I'll take your offer. Mostly because all the blood has soaked into the trees so bad that our new beds stink. Besides, we just sold you so much of your own uselessly large crap--even after keeping the metal stuff to melt--that we just got a 10 FPS boost.
Happy to see you leave, because you're going quicker,
the overseer.
Post by: cameron1124 on June 15, 2011, 11:50:42 pm
Now I realise that having two jobs can be rather stressful but it is no excuse for being drinking/sleeping/eating whenever the hunter brings in a fresh kill and having it go rotten. because you fail to butcher the animals, not only do you not have a second job YOU DONT EVEN DO THE FIRST! I hope you realise that the only reason that the fortress hasnt starved to death yet is because Urist mcfarmer has been picking alot of berries lately. you are very lucky I dont have access to magma
sincerely,
your annoyed overseer
Post by: gomwon on June 16, 2011, 07:23:26 am
I congratulate you on achieving such great strength. Not many potters can jam their fist through a mayors brain. However useless the mayor was, murder is not acceptable. After the titan attack, destroying our entire initial force, you will now be a lone fighter. You will fight the next onslaught, alone.
Sincerely, An Irritated Overlord.
--
Dear Urist McMiner.
I know i asked the other miners to punch a hole into the magma chamber. You did not need to join in, and attempt to mine something INSIDE the chamber. You should be glad i saved you, as i am unusually forgiving for an Overseer.
Sincerely, A Stressed Overlord.
--
Dear Urist McCarpenter.
Next time you decide to rip apart your own bedroom, think of the time and effort i put into building the bedroom chambers. I know it is stressing, to leave your friend rotting in the hallways, but my masons are all dying themselves, and i cannot build him a coffin. You will have to endure, putting him into the corpse pile, that is steadily rising after the titan attack.
Also, you are jailed. Unfortunately, we have not finished the
Post by: Fredd on June 16, 2011, 02:50:59 pm
News recently reached me of your latest boo boo in our top secret training center. When your baby got punctured there, after you went to retrieve a recently punctured cat I thought you had learned your lesson. But nooooooooooooooooo, you just had to go give water to a soldier training there.
As you rest from your wounds, I hope you think about all the trouble it caused. Its a pain to cut off the power to the area, and the soldiers lost valuable. Think about this, and also wonder if I will reassign you to garbage detail.
P.S Tell your brother to quit taking the armorers pet rabbit, when he goes to use the bathroom. I know toilet paper has not been created yet, tell him to just use old clothes that are scattered around. Bertha is wasting valuable soap washing off her bunny, and I think the poor rabbit might develop a complex.
Sincerely,
The Boss
Post by: MythagoWoods on June 16, 2011, 04:32:18 pm
WHY?!? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND SOME THAT ISN'T, WHY?!? WE JUST WANTED YOUR DELICIOUS VENISON STEAKS!
Sincerly,
Half the civilian population of Whisperedgroves
Post by: LuckyLuigi on June 16, 2011, 04:50:06 pm
When you woke from sleeping in a fey mood and a burning desire to make an artifact I was pleased.
Your artifact is a sheep wool thong.
...
WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU DREAMING ?????
Post by: Deus Machina on June 18, 2011, 05:21:03 am
Fine, you can't store something because it's inaccesible. Fine. Whatever. Stop trying. You alone have created pages upon pages of cancellation messages.
If you can't reach something, either let me know what it actually is so I can help out, or just consider that sock freaking lost.
If you weren't our resident legendary stonecrafter, the first page of cancellation messages would have had you inaccessible: encased in obsidian.
Just waiting for your wife to hit legendary,
the X over the lever.
Post by: Fahgo on June 18, 2011, 09:37:55 am
What, exactly, did Zaneg Tunneledring do to you? Out of the 10 gold statues I asked you to make 4 are of Zaneg. 1 is of him being promoted to expedition leader and the rest are of him getting the sack! was he such a bad leader that you had to celibrate his dismisal 3 times? I mean... its a bit harsh dont you think? when those get put up he's going to be constantly bumping into statues of him weeping.
Sincerely,
the-mean-overlord-who-will-be-putting-those-statues-outside-Zanegs-room :P
Post by: Jacos on June 18, 2011, 09:52:49 am
FUCKING STAND ON THAT BRIDGE YOU PUSSY, THIS IS !SCIENCE!!
- Your
Post by: shadenight123 on June 18, 2011, 10:16:45 am
This is a brief note.
You are IDIOTS.
While i can understand that i did actually give the order to mine out a vein of gold, i never specified you had to breach the cavern. ON the same level a flying one eyed FB hornet was resting.
It killed 5 of you. Luckily i had 12 miners.
However 5 of you are dead.
now i closed it off with walls, but listen well, there is ANOTHER FB lurking around. A globe of Snow with only two tails...IF, and i stress the IF you dare open again the caverns in ANYWAY, i'm sooo going to magma you. Or make you the lucky *breach the candy bar* dwarf.
You have been warned.
sincerely, your god.
Dear Mcwarriors,
next time, do 100z levels FASTER in descending. Some of the miners were actually dieing of old age and not because of the FB.
Post by: Shook on June 18, 2011, 04:05:28 pm
When a tantrum spiral is brewing, administering a "beating" with an *iron battle axe* was not the brightest idea you ever had. I'm not sure if an angry dorf killed you or you went insane and died, but either way, you fucking deserved it. 6 dorfs died due to your overzealous beatings, which caused even more dorfs to punch each other and go insane. Many of them were legendary or the only dorfs proficient in their fields, so i hope you're happy with yourself.
Yours quite candidly,
Overseer McShook
---
Dear Urist McAxeLord,
How the great babbling kitten roast beef did you survive getting your unconscious skull slashed, stabbed and bashed by pissy invaders for two days straight without injuries? I know you're a damned good armor user, but holy shit man. Give that helm a name, will you? It'll make the armorer proud of his beard.
Yours still baffled,
howthefuckdidyousurvivethat McShook
Post by: TheeBaconman on June 18, 2011, 04:21:15 pm
The armorer, crafter, and the clothier, have set up your gear. Now why do some of y'all not wear it? It would be highly recommended that you equip your armor.
Also, Dear Mcwrestler
I know he was punching you, but did you have to kill him? If you just got into a brawl with the tantruming dual-shields man it would've let go of some steam. But you had to go for the brain, much like the fortress guard does. He was an experimental warrior we were testing. I advise you to not kill anymore of my men, if you do not comply I may have to send you out alone, without your shield (Armok will decide your fate).
Again, Dear military in general
Do you see what happens without your helmets. You just might get brained less by a punch in the face if you put helmets on. Just a thought.
With a big brotherly love, your domineering overlord
Post by: Broseph Stalin on June 18, 2011, 06:49:56 pm
I know you're enjoying your break after you're long stretch of joblessness (because I haven't asked you to smooth, build, or really do anything in at least two seasons) but those three walls that would take you maybe four minutes to construct are kind of important to keeping lava from killing everything you love. So I guess just give me a ring if you ever decide to postpone your ridiculously long -- oh never mind you're going to *sigh* get a drink.
Dear Urist McTantrumpants,
The loss of a friend is a tragedy and my heart goes out to you in a your time of grief but I fear I must insist that in the future you vent your frustrations in a more positive way. I'm very sorry about your hand as well but in the future please do not punch the war crocodiles because you're upset, there is literally no other way this could have gone.
Post by: Oaktree on June 18, 2011, 08:04:36 pm
We are happy that you have decided to take up some specialization after being fairly unskilled in about everything. We guess that getting put on strand extraction duty can be quite boring. At that you have now made an artifact slate harp that is quite pretty and thus helped you master stone crafting.
However, if you *EVER AGAIN* use one our limited supply of adamantine wafers to make a decorative band we will ask you to take up the rewarding task of magma crafting.
- The Management
Post by: Othagrujit on June 18, 2011, 09:32:55 pm
I know I told you to channel a square shaft around that magma piston, but that was only because I expected you to take the path of least resistance and dig straight down. However, since you've chosen the less intuitive "haphazard spiral" digging pattern, I have no choice to but to let you perish from that head wound you received falling 3 z-levels.
Sincerely,
Your
P.S. - I would say sorry about your baby, but that was your own #@$% fault too.
Post by: kilozombie on June 18, 2011, 11:40:37 pm
I know you like sleeping, but we currently have no beds, rooms, or a secure fortress because YOU HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING ORDERS FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS.
From, kilozombie
Post by: iwog on June 20, 2011, 04:40:13 am
No I'm not lowering the bridge onto the island, you and your 21 friends only have yourself to blame for stumbling into not one but two goblin ambushes. There are 50 of us in here with far more useful skills then what appears to be the overflow from the lye makers guild out there.
If any of you survive until either the dwarven caravan gets here in the autumn or the military are ready to kill those 2 ambushes then you'll be welcomed in with open arms (and watched for any mental issues arising from your encounter with the goblins).
If the far more likely outcome of all your deaths occurs please don't worry, you will all be given coffins that will line the road on the way into the fortress to serve as a warning to all future immigrants about the dangers of wandering carelessly about the landscape.
Sincerely,
Your Uncaring Overlord
Post by: Broseph Stalin on June 20, 2011, 08:02:46 am
When I ask you to get inside, hide the animals, lock the doors, and pull a lever in rapid succession just assume your lives depend on it because nine out of ten times YOUR LIVES DEPEND ON IT!
P.S. I am aware that the item you want to stockpile is inaccessible, we are in lockdown the goal of which is for things outside to remain outside.
Post by: Madurjafro on June 20, 2011, 10:30:09 am
I swear to God The next time you don't pull the lever to stop the river irrigating our farm and instead to go eat. I will just leave and watch you all drown, JUST STOP PROCRASTINATING.
Yours Truly, Your
Dear Parent Civ,
At What point in your mind do you think a fledgling fortress would need Glazers? You know, a farmer would have been nice, or a Metalsmith.
From an Overlord.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on June 23, 2011, 01:23:10 pm
I understand how valuable chalk is to a fortresses wealth, thats why i was delighted to find out you enjoyed it, and thus mandates were always easy to fufill. However, now that you have decided that chalk, which i remind you pays for our military's equipment, is not to be exported during the largest import of military weaponry yet, you may find youself as the sheriff as well. yeah shame about those broken legs, guess nobody gets beaten today.
Love,
The overseer
PS: it appears you have decided the doctor is to be punished, this amuses me.
Post by: Chandrak on June 23, 2011, 08:59:56 pm
Please stop sending me endless streams of farmers. 5 is enough to feed my whole fort. I do not need 40.
Post by: Jake on June 24, 2011, 01:04:03 am
In accordance with your immutable will, we will of course declare the practice of spleefing to be anathema, and all who practice it shall be cast into the volcano as fitting sacrifice to your greater glory.
This would however be considerably easier if any of us knew what the word "spleefing" actually means. Would you be so kind as to provide one of our more mystically inclined brethren with a divine revelation clarifying this?
With great reverence,
Your slightly bemused minions.
* * *
Dear everyone,
I don't know when or even if we'll get a divine revelation about what "spleefing" means, but my personal theory is that it means "babbling about divine messages from an Avatar of Armok after spending four hours huffing Gnomeblight when you were supposed to be doing something useful". And even if it isn't, we're making that anathema as well if you 'orrible shower of lawn ornaments don't stop buggering about!
Yours,
The Mayor.
Post by: Dorten on June 24, 2011, 01:24:39 am
Use Google, it helps.
Yours,
Just a bypasser
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=spleefing
Post by: UltraValican on June 24, 2011, 10:20:52 am
I'm glad to see you using bolts and killing animals but...,, do you think its really nescsary to hunt carp with a crossbow....your a hunter not a fishermen!!
Dear Urist McMIner
USE THE F***ING RAMPSITS NOT MY FAULT YOUR STARVING BECAUSE YOUR TO RETARDED TO MOVE UP ONE F***ING TRIANGLE....JUST GO UP THE F***ING RAMP...
YOU....YOU.......DOUBLE DIGGERS
Post by: lanceleoghauni on June 24, 2011, 04:48:24 pm
RE: That Thumpy Magma Thing
I told you already, you numbskulls, to STAY AWAY FROM THE BLOODY MAGMA REACTOR! Three more of you died because you decided to walk through the heavily irradiated water treatment plant, and another two of you got iced because you went for a stroll through the water reclamation freezer. Seriously, Why were you even above ground? All I needed you to do was pull the deactivation lever for the water reclamation and shore up that hole you decided to walk through that we accidentally melted in the sea ice, was that too hard?
--Your Heavily Exasperated Overlord
Post by: Deus Machina on June 25, 2011, 12:36:08 am
Ahem.
Dear wormy tendrils,
Please stop being so damn creepy.
Until that time--or until I figure out how to burn all of you--I'm going inside.
-Overseer
PS: Gods below, that's almost enough to put me off my drink.
Post by: Manae on June 25, 2011, 09:10:47 am
Dear Urist McHunter,
I'm glad to see you using bolts and killing animals but...,, do you think its really nescsary to hunt carp with a crossbow....your a hunter not a fishermen!!
Dear Urist McMIner
USE THE F***ING RAMPSITS NOT MY FAULT YOUR STARVING BECAUSE YOUR TO RETARDED TO MOVE UP ONE F***ING TRIANGLE....JUST GO UP THE F***ING RAMP...
YOU....YOU.......DOUBLE DIGGERS
Dear Overseer Valican:
But Sir! We tried that! But one of the ramps doesn't go up to a floor because we somehow managed to dig it facing the wall away from it. So, we do try to go get food, but then we smack our beards into the wall and come back down.
Urist McMiner
Post by: UltraValican on June 25, 2011, 09:22:04 am
You had two sets of up/down stair wells and ramps in an OPEN SPACE, i cant posibly see how it would be imposible for you to access the food above and the most ironic part about all of this is that you were digging out the food storage room..........
Hav fun starving to death as i rush to see how fast i can breach HFS with
Post by: jamesadelong on June 25, 2011, 11:47:22 am
From: Myself and pretty much all the dwarfs here at mission command
Just a few points I wish to make very clear.
- I wish to commend your recent efforts defending the fledgling fortress against the three civilization siege, very impressive. Furthermore, the fact that one of those sieges was composed of ettin, cyclope and all sorts of other fun make it all the more impressive, especially as your the only one in the squad with any consderable arms or armarment.
- Atop of this, the fact that you managed to seal the emergency civilian hollow in time and defend the sole miner coming out of the caverns is remarkably impressive, very little outside the basillica has been damaged and any damage is merely superficial. Indeed there has been talk of maintaining this light damage as a record of the sacrifice of the two dwarves that laid their lives defending it.
- Finally, the sheer fact that you defended the miner from the siege and personally defended him from three troglodytes as he in turn was possessed by an underling of Armok himself proves your talent as a militia captain and as a soldier. The miner passes on his thanks for moving with him, ferrying him between the caverns and the foundry, working on the artifact his god had demanded he produce whilst still providing orders and fighting in the ensuing battle for the basillica.
As a reward for your valiant stand and the defence of one of your own, I am providing you with your own quarters and office and the artifact, a millwheel displaying the history of our fortress to date. Consider it the spoils of war.
Best Regards.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 25, 2011, 07:21:01 pm
Do not sleep in the aquifer.
Sincerely,
Savescumming.
Post by: A-Dos on June 25, 2011, 09:55:13 pm
From: Your Overseer, The Manager and the Hospital
We commend you on your bravery with taking up one of the limited positions as a Hunter, and also for your recent draft into the Marksdwarf Squad.
However, we must point out a few flaws that may cost you your job and even your life if you attempt to repeat this.
Point A) Please never attempt to hunt the wild Giant Badgers. We're all proud that you managed to kill one, but please don't draw the rest of them towards the fortress like you did last time, we've lost 3 Dwarves to your stupidity.
Point B) For the love of god- The manager and the other marksdwarves have threatened to throw you into the pits for this. Please refrain from using the Experimental Masterwork Adamantium Bolts. We created them for the Legendary Marksdwarves who know how to use them, not Adequate crossbow users such as yourself. Stick to the bone bolts, please.
Point C) If you feel the nerve to try and melee a Giant Badger again, please. Don't. You're wearing two splints (One of which is an artifact worth ☼20,000) and you're lucky you didn't loose your ability to use your legs.
Regards, A concerned Overseer
PS: Have you considered joining the Farming Guild? I hear they have *Cough* not enough members, and have *Hack* plenty of fun jobs available.
Post by: Flaming Toadstool on June 25, 2011, 09:58:41 pm
Get back to work, please? We all know you like eating, drinking, sleeping, and being on break, but really, enough is enough now. Get to making those tables and thrones so we can have an actual dining room instead of eating in the stockpile.
Yours truly,
The Administration.
Post by: Dcutean on June 26, 2011, 01:29:30 am
I am very sorry every bone in your entire body from the neck down is broken. If you hadn't rushed to save the cat we used for bait, I wouldn't have had to pull the lever to drop you 4 stories into the refuse pile.
With love,
Your all seeing overlord
Post by: Oaktree on June 26, 2011, 09:14:51 am
Literacy is a requirement for membership in the militia. Please note the sign in the room saying "No Sleeping in the Danger Room" and "Keep All Safety Equipment On in the Danger Room". And the big label on the door that says "DANGER ROOM".
The insurance claim made by your widow has been denied. She will be cared for since she is an asset to the community. However, we do not pay off claims for fools removing their helmets, sleeping in the DR, and then getting a spear through their noggin.
Though in your case the mayor thinks it is an improvement to your thinking processes - and that you have become the ideal voter.
- The Duke
Post by: Greiger on June 26, 2011, 09:15:25 am
RE: The queen's future throne room.
The gem studded platinum throne in the room that that takes up the top 2 floors of the keep, is not a dining room. It is the Queen/Drunk's future Throne room. Stop soiling the throne with bits of bacon and giraffe meat.
And if you insist on doing that anyway stop complaining about the lack of a dining table when you do. The dining room is on the bottom floor, enter the keep and hang a right, and you are in the dining room that has more than enough tables and chairs for everyone.
The Administration
P.S. Oh my Armok put some damn pants on before sitting in it at least! You are going to leave a stain!
Post by: Khris on June 26, 2011, 01:22:54 pm
you have absoloutely no reason to be pissed just because we didn't make your stupid rose gold items.
Maybe you keep your noble head too high above reality already to be aware that WE HAVEN'T FOUND ANY GOLD AT ALL HERE!!
Post by: Tcei on June 26, 2011, 01:53:39 pm
We at the prison fort of Abbypains would like to thankyou for your zeal in seeing to it that no prisoner can escape alive! However as we are a fort it would be greatly appreciated if you let us dig in first and then started killing runners. As it is, we regret to inform you that after 6 reclaims and the death of 49 brave dwarves (most of them armored) we are discontinuing the use of that site as our future prison.
Best of luck with all the ghost!
Sincerely,
The Mountain Homes.
Post by: PCpaste on June 26, 2011, 10:21:55 pm
Why did you feel the need to go on break for almost an entire season when you were the only thing that could keep the fortress from dying of thirst?
Thanks,
Your Overseer
Post by: Flaming Toadstool on June 26, 2011, 10:49:20 pm
When I say bring those beds to the hospital, I damn well mean it. Now our first victim to stupidity is lying in his own bed instead of the hospital beds, and it will probably get messy. Good going, moron.
Yours in seething anger,
The Administration.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 26, 2011, 11:10:55 pm
I know the "build site" is submerged. At least wait until you are almost done before canceling! At this rate we should be done piercing the aquifer in...three years.
Sincerely,
At least you don't fall asleep in the aquifer.
Post by: Flaming Toadstool on June 27, 2011, 01:31:24 am
When the trade caravan comes, you GET YOUR ASS TO THE TRADE DEPOT instead of staying ON BREAK! Do you understand? Probably not. Idiot.
Yours most malevolently,
The Administration.
Post by: shadenight123 on June 27, 2011, 01:54:22 am
Thank you for being there.
Since without you, our military wouldn't have enough time to prepare itself.
And especially to the NON-war dog.
Since they did more then the war dogs.
thanks for taking down the minotaur.
More meat for all of you.
Post by: PCpaste on June 27, 2011, 12:38:51 pm
Dear Urist,
Why did you feel the need to go on break for almost an entire season when you were the only thing that could keep the fortress from dying of thirst?
Thanks,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist,
I am very happy you survived the booze-less apocalypse that you brought on from your break.
Thanks for doing that again, you sure are showing you're worth not throwing in the goblin pit.
Thanks,
Your Overseer
Post by: jamesadelong on June 27, 2011, 06:10:30 pm
From: Myself and the rest of mission command
RE: Idiots
To the general populace.
It has once again dragged it's ugly head out of the mire of stupidity. The seemingly mindless zombies have outwitted you and destroyed the fort, how? I have no idea. Perhaps the leadership of the good doctor should be brought into qestion? He seemed to have dissapeared when the time came to carry out his duty of sealing the main population inside the hollow and himself inside his office. Perhaps it was the fool who decided to let free the defences against the initial wave? Or the morons who wished to collect the material goods?
Whoever it was, congrats. The grand basillica in which the great past leader, your saviour and divining grace in the time of trolls, now lay, has been smashed, his tomb destroyed an a full half of the population obliterated.
I remind you once again, success is guaranteed not at your capacity for thought, but at your capacity for following orders. It is not your prerogative to deem what is needed to be done, that privlidge lies with me and a select few. The only Dworf in hammerforged I trusted with such privlidge was the Dworf engraved right across your great hall, the one now entomed in a pile of rubble who died defending you. He was the clever one, not because he could think but because he chose not to think.
Consider this fact as your cleaning out the corpses of your bretheren and consider yourself lucky I don't end you all for this stupidity born of arrogance.
Post by: kardwill on June 28, 2011, 03:38:39 am
I appreciate your efforts to bring down my fortress. I really do. It's always nice to see motivated, dynamic, inventive young people, even if they're commited to the gory death of everyone in our fair undercity.
Anyhow, while your attempt to ambush the human diplomat and frame us is basically a good idea, you may want to be more careful in its execution. Specifically, you should avoid assaulting a fire-breathing, demonic, chameleon-shaped death machine. Just saying. Now, the whole mountain prairie is a blasted wasteland covered with ashes, and with your warriors' cremated bones.
Signed : Militia captain, Main tower command, Red Mountain outpost
Post by: JimmyBobJr on June 28, 2011, 10:05:42 am
Both of your arms are broken in two places. You have lost some motor function. You have major internal injuries. You are leaving a trail of blood and vomit wherever you go.
Go to the hospital. Dont sit in the dining room complaining of having nothing to do.
Sincerely, Me.
Post by: Agith on June 28, 2011, 11:21:51 am
When I tell one miner to dig a trap.. Please stop deciding you should help and jumping 15 Z levels to splatter yourself and make my trap seem less classy.
Also
Dear Urist McHospitalTender
Please move those crutches to the containers in the hospital and not in the stockpile as I have a feeling we'll be needing them alot thanks to Urist Mcfallsalot
With love
Your drown happy patron
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 28, 2011, 01:34:14 pm
I did not make any copper items. Why? We had just started the hole-in-the-ground we call "home" and had not actually found any copper ore. Or any ore. We still haven't.
So you got angry and wanted to punish someone. Who did you choose?
A miner, our militia commander, who arrived mere moments before your mandate expired and has not even reached the bridge crossing the river yet. You sentenced him to two months in a prison we do not even have!
Prepare to be disappointed.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. I think you should be glad you didn't hurt him when you beat him. I would like to test my newest device, set right next to your room, at some point.
Post by: Deus Machina on June 28, 2011, 05:10:32 pm
However much it pains me, you do deserve some respect in downing no less than a dozen of my dwarves. Considering that one of them seems to have removed all of your teeth with a copper hammer, no less than six of those were from, apparently, shoving them around. (Seriously, there's pages of 'the croc pushes Urist McIdiot in the chest')
Especially worthy, considering the bronze bolt lodged in your face.
I'll notice you quit when you picked on your first minor, though. You pushed him in the thigh, mildly bruising it, and he told you to kindly go piss off via a pick delivered directly to the heart.
Learn to pick your targets better.
Dear Duradzulash, troll,
You are the reason the cave croc killed so many--because the military's been beating on your unconscious form for months now, letting him run a rampage.
Seriously, just die.
Before you go, I do want to congratulate you on the indirectly but aptly chosen moniker, 'Beardpain'. Good job.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 28, 2011, 07:37:36 pm
Please, you spend most of your time running from spot to spot. Please mine out one spot at a time.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
Post by: StabbyStab on June 28, 2011, 08:22:09 pm
I appreciate that you went after the elves before anybody else, that saves me a few beds in the hospital for a couple of my newer hunters who decided giant bats were a delicious and plausible target at the same time as your attack, however, by the time you were finished with the elves and their animals, you should have run for the base's cage traps that exist for exactly this reason instead of the one remaining hunter that was outside.
He's one of the founding dwarves, the leader of my best military squad, a legendary hammerdwarf, a legendary ambusher, and a legendary marksdwarf. When the alert that sends everybody to the dining hall is started, he is exempt for obvious reasons. He's also wielding a solid platinum artefact crossbow with a picture of a dwarf killing goblins in goblin bone and was carrying back the corpse of the giant eagle he had just killed to the butchers. He was wearing full adamantine armor, and currently has over 80 kills to his name. Attacking him was not in your best interests.
I'll admit that things may have looked a bit better for the ~6 of you that weren't lying on the ground bleeding with bolts sticking out of vital organs when he ran out of ammo, but he's a trained hammerdwarf purely because of his love of bludgeoning things with his crossbow. You should also know that the ammo stockpile is outside to facilitate hunting, and he has access. The few of you that were still alive after the beating were hit with several full stacks of bone bolts before you expired (apparently they're not great against armor, but that didn't stop him) and left a pulpy mess on the ground.
His exploits are being carved into his newly expanded bedchamber as we speak, and this has been added several times in the engravings.
Your bones will be used for crossbows and ammunition to equip the future generations of hunters that use opportunities like this one to train as marksdwarves.
Sincerely,
The voice in the head of every dwarf
Post by: noah22223 on June 28, 2011, 09:03:11 pm
Dear roughly 20 goblins that decided to ambush the fortress just as the elven caravan arrived,Deer Dorvz
I appreciate that you went after the elves before anybody else, that saves me a few beds in the hospital for a couple of my newer hunters who decided giant bats were a delicious and plausible target at the same time as your attack, however, by the time you were finished with the elves and their animals, you should have run for the base's cage traps that exist for exactly this reason instead of the one remaining hunter that was outside.
He's one of the founding dwarves, the leader of my best military squad, a legendary hammerdwarf, a legendary ambusher, and a legendary marksdwarf. When the alert that sends everybody to the dining hall is started, he is exempt for obvious reasons. He's also wielding a solid platinum artefact crossbow with a picture of a dwarf killing goblins in goblin bone and was carrying back the corpse of the giant eagle he had just killed to the butchers. He was wearing full adamantine armor, and currently has over 80 kills to his name. Attacking him was not in your best interests.
I'll admit that things may have looked a bit better for the ~6 of you that weren't lying on the ground bleeding with bolts sticking out of vital organs when he ran out of ammo, but he's a trained hammerdwarf purely because of his love of bludgeoning things with his crossbow. You should also know that the ammo stockpile is outside to facilitate hunting, and he has access. The few of you that were still alive after the beating were hit with several full stacks of bone bolts before you expired (apparently they're not great against armor, but that didn't stop him) and left a pulpy mess on the ground.
His exploits are being carved into his newly expanded bedchamber as we speak, and this has been added several times in the engravings.
Your bones will be used for crossbows and ammunition to equip the future generations of hunters that use opportunities like this one to train as marksdwarves.
Sincerely,
The voice in the head of every dwarf
Wee goblnz wll kill yu! yur blu armr is nu mach fr or irn lw boot!
sincerly,
Goblnz
Dear Urist McSuicidal,
For fucks sake, I know that you are in the army, but do NOT attempt to wrestle a sea monster without armor on.
Needing a new tomb,
The collective regime of dwarven beards
Post by: StabbyStab on June 28, 2011, 09:45:11 pm
Of all the babies you could have taken, you decided you wanted the son of the very well trained, armed lasher that was holding a scourge that I got from your buddies, busily enjoying some dwarven wine 3 tiles away? Really?
Luckily, she was the only one other than the baby in that particular dining room at that moment; your buddies are all in cage traps, I'm not sure how you three got through, but that's a separate issue entirely.
I sealed the room with walls in the hallway since you were all far from the door and legendary masons build faster than their shadows can keep up with them.
I sealed you in that room to teach you a lesson. She was armoured and I figured she could probably handle it, although it did surprise me when she entered a martial trance and LITERALLY started whipping arms off. I swear you guys are on to something with this scourge thing.
Bottom line, there's a circle of blood (Blood, arms, legs, hands, heads, feet, toes, armor, weapons, etc.) that's about 10 tiles in diameter at the end of the dining hall and all over the dwarf mother and her baby.
After the carnage was over and she was done whipping what was left twitching on the floor, I deconstructed the wall and she calmly went on her way; washing off herself and her baby then going back to her dwarvenly duties, child in hand.
I've created an area outside of the fort with what's left of you put on display to deter future baby thieves.
Sincerely,
The dwarven leader
Post by: StabbyStab on June 28, 2011, 10:02:19 pm
Firstly, I'm sorry I laughed at this whole situation, as hilarious as it was.
Secondly, I did kill the capybara that was threatening your wagon in the end, so this wasn't a total loss
Thirdly, How was I supposed to know that every single one of you and your pack animals (and, to add insult to injury, several trees) were between the capybara and the ballista that the dwarves used to kill it? They aim on their own, and I trust that even after the collateral damage, they DID make the right decision in the end, even if every single one of you suffered a fatal ballista bolt related injury. This is what they're trained for after all.
Finally, after the dwarves took the first shot that missed the capybara even after it passed through every member of the caravan, its pack animals, and some trees; leaving one survivor who was not fatally wounded by the first bolt (They're new to this, give them some credit) the second shot that killed the survivor and the capybara was still necessary, as the danger from the rodent to the fortress and your wagon was still present.
I hope this doesn't hurt our relations, as you've never had a single caravan survive to make it to my front door of the 6 that you've sent, but what can I say; it's a dangerous world outside of these walls.
Sincerely,
Dwarven overseer
Post by: billybobfred on June 28, 2011, 10:23:46 pm
Re: Urist McPrisoner
Have you noticed that you have to keep dragging this patient back to that bed? That immobile patient that wants nothing more than to sit in one place until he's all better?
This is not a coincidence. The captain of the guard is trying to put him in prison for his crimes. That's where he got the wounds, as well.
There's a bed in the prison cell. He can rest there. I promise.
... Okay, you figured that out. But, uh, when the captain foolishly dumped him in the middle of the room and you kindly moved him into the bed one space away...
why did you take him off the chain? Now he's not officially serving time. He's not going to appreciate it at all when he wakes up.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on June 28, 2011, 10:58:30 pm
I am aware the stone is damp, as I am aware that the last stone was damp, you are digging under a river the stones of which are frequently damp. It confounds me that you constantly strike damp stone, stop working to inform me of this event, and have your orders to dig renewed only to moments later completely forget these events, strike damp stone and begin the cycle again. Please report to the infirmary because some horrible injury has turned your brain into cheese.
Post by: billybobfred on June 28, 2011, 11:23:08 pm
Re: Blithely pointing out massive security flaws
... Keep doing that.
(wow, did I really not see that when I was planning this?)
Post by: RAKninja on June 28, 2011, 11:28:54 pm
the next dwarf that starves of dehydrates in his sickbed or prison will send the lot of you down into the caverns. i understand our population is nearing two hundred, but do not think i cannot coerce you all down there with that forgotten beast that has flooded the second cavern layer with his secretions. that was our best weaponsmith in prison, and our skilled militia captain in the hospital. i note that while feeding your helpless compatriots does not seem to be high on your collective priorities list, taking the corpse to the crypts and storing the dead dwarf's possessions IS. this must stop. i understand you are enthusiastic about our current construction projects that will surely bring our king to make our quint fortress the capitol, but this is a bit much. again i say, take care of your own, or i will stop taking care of the collective lot of you, lead you to certain death, and return as a human to explore the carnage i have caused.
XOXOXOXOXOX,
your stallin.
Post by: Flaming Toadstool on June 29, 2011, 01:08:45 am
Instead of standing there, pick up those badger corpses so we don't have miasma in our fort... oh, wait, too late.
Yours bitterly,
The Admin.
Post by: Theifofdreams on June 29, 2011, 02:44:00 am
Yes, I know there aren't enough dwarves to do everything that needs done, but I'm sure everyone would feel much happier if you'd take that dead donkey off the steps and, oh, I don't know, butcher it. Everyone is angrier about the miasma than they ever will be if you take a bit of time off to cut it up properly.
Sincerely
Everyone else in the fort
Post by: Deus Machina on June 29, 2011, 03:49:11 am
I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.
You are still beating on him.
Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.
For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.
-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 29, 2011, 09:57:49 pm
I specifically tailored your work orders to trick you into NOT walling yourself into the caverns.
You walled yourself into the caverns. With a giant bat on the loose.
You had better not die before I can save you!
Sincerely,
GWG.
P.S. While you're there, can you tidy up the walls a teeny bit? Thanks.
Post by: Sidhien on June 29, 2011, 11:25:36 pm
Do not taunt the wild ogres.
Thank you.
Post by: noah22223 on June 30, 2011, 06:47:53 am
Keep up the good work, killing sieges left and right with nothing but your iron axes and the clothes your wearing!
One note of advice, though;
If you got there first, and you see 10 goblins infront of you, DO NOT RUSH FORWARD.
seriously, everyone else just needs a little time!
Sincerely,
Urist McNoah, EVERY GODDAMN NOBLE IMAGINABLE.
Post by: Vorthon on June 30, 2011, 06:50:25 am
Dear Urists McMilitary,
I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.
You are still beating on him.
Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.
For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.
-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.
I nearly fell off my chair laughing at this.
Oh, and quoted for the sigtext thread.
Post by: LordExumius on June 30, 2011, 04:06:40 pm
I know that you may feel sorry for Urist McMacabre for not being able to find the workshop to go before killing one of you. I also know that he happened to calm down after he'd already killed 10 in his patterns of calming down and throwing a tantrum when you all surrounded him, but JUST KILL THE BASTARD!
Sincerely,
The expedition leader, writing from a hospital bed after getting his leg torn open and his spine broken
Post by: Supernerd on June 30, 2011, 04:27:03 pm
The next time you go around deconstructing buildings, do not deconstruct a wall that will cause another wall to cave in. Especially not when you are STANDING ON THAT WALL WHICH WILL COLLAPSE!! Do I need to micromanage every single project!?
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 30, 2011, 05:31:03 pm
Dear Urist McMason,
Use the galena three steps from you instead of the rhyolite down in the food stockpiles! I want magma-safe doors and rhyolite won't cut it!
Angry,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. Hold off the quality levels until the doors that AREN'T being used in the FTWWM (fit-WIM) device that we'll need, since we will be sieged by goblins, sorcerors, dark stranglers, minotauroses, minotaurs, tigermen (white and normal), and maybe elves.
Dear Urist McCrafter,
You made a figurine of the expedition leader surrounded by bats, which he haters.
Then, one of him surrounded by scimitars.
I am detecting that "Long-term Acquaintance" is a bit more negative than it sounds.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McTranslator:
Please translate the following message into Pet.
"Dear Pet of Urist McMechanic,
Please send more time comforting your master. He needs it.
Sincerely,
Your master's master."
When translated, please deliver the message to said pet.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urists McRedSorcerors,
No friendly fire. I mean that literally, stop breathing fire on your comrades-at-spells.
Singed,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Local Badgers Union 0001:
I suggest you form thee abovementioned group, which will hopefully create some Rules for Safe Release of Anger, such as:
1. Do not attack large domestic animals, such as aligators and yaks, as this has a good chance of leading to death and/or dismemberment.
2. Do not attack armored, armed soldiers, as this has a good chance of leading to death and/or dismemberment.
3. Do not go near anyone capable of bending the nature of reality, and this has a good chance of leading to death and/or banishment.
4. Do not irritate fortresses by interrupting random workers, as this has a good chance of leading to violations of rule #2.
5. Weekends off.
please take this proposal under consideration. It will improve my quality of life and the quantity of yours.
Sincerely,
GWG, local overseer.
Dear Pyromaniacs McMilitary,
WHY did you fireball the badger standing next to the food stockpiles? WHY??
That is all, unless the fire YOU started happens to destroy all of our food. But, no pressure, right?
Ha.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Same Guys,
Your fire KILLED our brewer/cook/mechanic...hm, and our noble, causing one of YOU to be the new leader...I'm on to you...
Dear all fortress members:
Unless you want to starve, dehydrate, and/or get slain, please, no more than ~20-30% of you take a break at once. 4/7 in excessive.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: johnny_cat on June 30, 2011, 09:57:49 pm
I know the food and booze you brought along is tasty and the beds are comfortable, but that's no excuse to spend 90% of your time eating, drinking, and sleeping. Winter is coming, and you have not even finished digging out a quarter of the modest magma factory I have designed for you. Get back to work you lazy maggots.
Post by: Deus Machina on July 01, 2011, 05:51:50 am
Dear Urists McMilitary,
I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.
You are still beating on him.
Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.
For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.
-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.
I nearly fell off my chair laughing at this.
Oh, and quoted for the sigtext thread.
Seriously, this happened. Yellow injuries turned brown, and blue injuries turned yellow. He even healed a blue lung and eye.
Dear traders,
No, I'm not taking your explanation of 'hood snake venom' at face value.
How long is the trip that you end up with an entire wagon of barrels full of it?
-The overseer, suddenly feeling in need of a bath.
Post by: Khris on July 01, 2011, 10:31:58 am
Post by: Ratbert_CP on July 01, 2011, 01:02:23 pm
Dear traders,
No, I'm not taking your explanation of 'hood snake venom' at face value.
How long is the trip that you end up with an entire wagon of barrels full of it?
-The overseer, suddenly feeling in need of a bath.
What are yo.. Oh. Ick! Can not unsee! Magma brain rinse in order!
Post by: RAKninja on July 03, 2011, 12:34:09 am
Re: your actions during the current siege
i dont know what possessed you to run outside of the civilian restricted burrows, nude, and right into the arms of an elite marksgoblin, but i think you deserve the inevitable result. i regret that you shortly will be, to say the least, unable to continue to launder goblin clothing selling to any passerby for a great markup, but we have a couple of replacements at legendary already, if you had noticed.
hope you dont suffer too long,
the taskmaster.
Post by: jamesadelong on July 03, 2011, 01:08:50 am
From: Mission Command
RE: Skeletal Dworfs
We wish to alleviate the fears that the skeletal variety of goats are organized.
Just because they target the living goats first, does not mean that they are trying to take their place and attack from the inside.
Just because they surround and encircle you and your friends as you collect stores and pig-tail socks from the dead, does not mean they understand military tactics.
Just because they are the first creatures (twin sieges inclusive) to bypass the redoubt and enter the fort proper does not mean they are more capable fighters.
Finally and above all, just because their kill list is longer than the badgers, does not mean... wait... YES IT DOES! Every man for himself! The Uber-goats are out in force! Man the magma cannons! Women and children first! Release the FB!
Post by: ExdeathV on July 04, 2011, 12:52:33 am
From: That invisible being that tells you what to do
RE: You're duties as a soldier
I understand you just had a child, and you need to find it. But when there's a damn breach in defences, that doesn't give you the right to keep being a Urist Mclazyass and just watch your friends and family die. I recruited you because you are the best soldier I have, and I expect you to be on guard all the time. Thanks for letting the booze supply burn and a majority of the fortress wrecked. Therefore, I am having you thrown in the Giant Cave Spider pit without anything on. By the way, I had your child encased in obsidian happy 100th birthday.
Post by: Khaless on July 04, 2011, 07:31:24 am
Yes it is true that frozen ice is passable.
But please refrain from doing so, especially in mid spring.
Have in mind, that it is an inconvenience to drain the pool and retrieve your
Yours truly
Urist McUndertaker
Post by: ExdeathV on July 04, 2011, 07:17:18 pm
From: That invisible being that tells you what to do
RE: You still being alive
Okay. You survived the pit, good for you. You now killed my legendary weaponsmith and armorsmith, who for some reason everybody hated, a couple of nobles, and a bear.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on July 04, 2011, 08:59:37 pm
I applaud your tenacity and work ethic but I must request you report to the hospital immediately. It's great your so excited to do your job but you've received some pretty serious nerve damage and ,as you don't seem to have noticed, opened up an artery. Please look to your left, you'll find that each stone you've engraved has been coated with a sheen of a strange red substance as you've passed by it. That substance is your blood, most of which is intended to remain inside of you, and it is getting everywhere the sheer logistics of losing enough blood to clearly define a trail of everywhere you've gone since your injury and to stain each of your engravings is absolutely baffling. I repeat, you need a doctor, you are bleeding everywhere, and everything I know about medicine and even basic logic has been turned on it's head by the sheer fact there is still more blood inside of you.
Sincerely your invisible lord and master.
Post by: RAKninja on July 04, 2011, 11:52:18 pm
stop going out of your way to step into the forgotton beast gunk that makes you inexplicably bleed to death in a month. there are allready more tombs than population, and everyone is far to busy burying everyone else and storing their former possessions to have to so the same for you.
the boss.
Post by: Baron Baconeer on July 05, 2011, 05:57:58 pm
There are fifteen goblins outside. Please do not char... Of for the love of!
To: Countess Lema Istraelku, sovereign leader etc etc.
Please, next time tell us you have killed thrice the amount of people the militia have killed together during the worldgen. And yes, you could work as a elite wrestler in the army.
...And do remind me to get more cyclops to the army.
P.S. However amazing you throwing goblins around was, please do not try this trick again. The militia doesn't like you stealing their glory.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 05, 2011, 08:49:31 pm
Learn from the mistakes of your comrades, and when confronted with a giant cave spider, run, don't sleep!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. Why did you name the place HALLCARNAGES?
Seriously, I had this happen to TWO dwarves in a row, with the same GCS!
Post by: Flaede on July 06, 2011, 01:31:21 am
Dear All Urists Of All Professions:
Learn from the mistakes of your comrades, and when confronted with a giant cave spider, run, don't sleep!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. Why did you name the place HALLCARNAGES?
Seriously, I had this happen to TWO dwarves in a row, with the same GCS!
Has fainting been implemented on the sly?
Post by: lazygun on July 06, 2011, 02:47:17 pm
You have Feed Patients/Prisoners labour enabled. You have no other labours enabled. So please explain why Goden Dorenniral just died of thirst in the jail cells.
On second thoughts, just report to the lowest level of the fort, where we are about to channel into the magma sea to create a disposal chute for all the Voracious Cave Crawlers, Jabberers and so on that are cluttering our cages. You will remain restricted to that burrow with no food, water or bed, with the job of pitching each beast into the magma, until one way or another it results in your demise.
Yours sincerely
Your friendly fortress overseer.
Post by: Icee77 on July 06, 2011, 05:02:16 pm
You were supposed to be training. But INSTEAD you walked onto an ice river!!!! NOT ONLY DID YOU DROWN TO DEATH, YOU ALSO CAUSED A GOSHDARN TEMPER SPIRAL! I hate you.
From,
Angry Overseer.
Post by: RAKninja on July 06, 2011, 08:47:17 pm
To Momuz Anametur
You have Feed Patients/Prisoners labour enabled. You have no other labours enabled. So please explain why Goden Dorenniral just died of thirst in the jail cells.
On second thoughts, just report to the lowest level of the fort, where we are about to channel into the magma sea to create a disposal chute for all the Voracious Cave Crawlers, Jabberers and so on that are cluttering our cages. You will remain restricted to that burrow with no food, water or bed, with the job of pitching each beast into the magma, until one way or another it results in your demise.
Yours sincerely
Your friendly fortress overseer.
i've recently had an outbreak of that. solved it with 2 tile drink only stockpile set to 2 barrels, and setting it to take from the main drink stockpile. dwarves are more eager to haul than take care of their fellows. i also have a 1 tile stockpile for prepared food set to no barrels. sometimes i have to micromanage which jailcell is taking from the main piles (mainly due to urist mcnewmayor getting elected and immediately banning the export of large gems right as a caravan was leaving the map with a shipment full of exported large gems) when a lot of jailcells are full, but the one odd failed production order should usually go to the same cell with those stockpiles being the ones active for taking from the main stockpiles.
dear goblins,
the arrow in the arm of my nudist duchess was the last straw. that and my military is reduced to a squad and a half.when you come to play, i'm locking up. i dont care if it's two back to back sieges lasting from late summer to early summer. we are entirely self contained now, with our only problems being the occasional forgotten beast from the caverns that i should really consider walling off. stop wasting your time, for one day, my warriors will get around to picking up all this candy armor i'm making for them (they've allready got the weapons, so dont push it), and they will slaughter whatever goblins can make it through twenty tiles of cage traps, bordered by forty tiles of fully loaded weapon traps.
kindest regards,
the guy who runs bronzetools.
Post by: Awesome0Person on July 06, 2011, 10:03:17 pm
For the love of Armok don't bring your three children into the danger room. Yes, I know that your husband is there, and more importantly, so the wine, but a tantruming Axe Lord with full iron armor, a copper shield and a masterwork Adamantine battleaxe would not be the best thing for the fortress.
Your
Post by: scuba on July 06, 2011, 11:02:28 pm
Next time i tell you to kill a deer. When you run out of ammo dont jump in the lake after it.
the guy looking for your replacement >.<
Post by: ledgekindred on July 07, 2011, 08:39:31 am
Will you just cut it out. I get it. There's a lot of you. Please stop coming onto my map for a day or two? I can't get anything done at the magma pools because you keep running onto the map and scaring my dorfs. So far I've been lucky and you have been a bunch of pushovers (except for that one with the dust that made my best axedwarf's lungs rot, I hate you.) Yes, I know I embarked in a terrifying biome with no water and no volcano, because I wanted a challenge, but this is ridiculous. So please, please, please, just stay home for a while.
Yrs,
Frustrated Overseer
Post by: UltraValican on July 07, 2011, 09:21:09 am
dear Mr legendary crossbowman/hunterThats strange, I thought dwarves auto forbid shot ammo.
Next time i tell you to kill a deer. When you run out of ammo dont jump in the lake after it.
the guy looking for your replacement >.<
Post by: shadenight123 on July 07, 2011, 09:28:57 am
dear Mr legendary crossbowman/hunterThats strange, I thought dwarves auto forbid shot ammo.
Next time i tell you to kill a deer. When you run out of ammo dont jump in the lake after it.
the guy looking for your replacement >.<
i think it's more of a "the dwarf tried to hit the deer with the crossbow in melee"
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 07, 2011, 03:31:09 pm
No. I think what happened was: Haul item to tomb job got canceled, dwarf got tired, I didn't have dorm/bedrooms set up yet so the dwarf fell asleep right there...Dear All Urists Of All Professions:
Learn from the mistakes of your comrades, and when confronted with a giant cave spider, run, don't sleep!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. Why did you name the place HALLCARNAGES?
Seriously, I had this happen to TWO dwarves in a row, with the same GCS!
Has fainting been implemented on the sly?
Post by: Zaphod on July 08, 2011, 12:21:55 am
I know you were only drafted as our head medical dwarf because you once took a class on cpr, so we don't expect you to work miracles. But please to not take a 3 day break from your duties immediately after a goblin siege. Then proceed to complain that there aren't enough statues in you're bed room while one our most valuable soldiers dies from an infected paper cut.
PS.
I will kill you if you let this infinitly more valuable dwarf die.
Love and kisses,
Armok: The God of blood.
Post by: Aachen on July 08, 2011, 12:32:45 am
You know there's a terrifying necrotic disease going around the fort. You know that it came from that horrible, horrible chickadee monster — the doctors have their observations. You know that there are pools of extract around. Why can't you put it all together and
a) avoid the damned puddles
b) clean up the damned puddles
c) be quicker with the damned surgery!
I'm surprised there's anything left of any of your feet!
This is almost too horrifying to bear. And, c'mon, doctors .... get your colleagues on their feet first. The farmers and children can wait!
Post by: Kay12 on July 08, 2011, 01:58:11 am
You are enraged about long patrol duty, but have you even realized that you got the nicest jobs in the entire fortress? You don't farm, you don't toil, you get food and drink and I'm even making sure it's of high quality! You get to sleep in an area restricted from others, you have fancy equipment while some of the civilians lack even basic clothing. The entire fortress is adequately defended by traps, so the only thing I really expect you to do is to kill disarmed goblin prisoners (something you seem to enjoy) and spar every once in a while.
If you find your military jobs uncomfortable, I can arrange you jobs at the carp vats. Just be careful not to pull the "fill vat" lever while inside.
Post by: TheOddDemon on July 08, 2011, 02:51:45 pm
I know you have a lot to do. We all do. But you have an arrow in your head. Don't you think you should get that checked?
Dear Urist Mcfisherdwarf:
The gorillas that come by the river each year are not friendly. They will kill you, as they have killed the other three fishers right in front of you. So please stop sitting there and move.
Dear Urist Mccaptain:
You have a bedroom fit for a king. You have a personal dining room filled with masterwork furniture. You are friends with almost everyone in the fortress. So it's pretty selfish to still be "very unhappy". If this continues, you will be sent to explore the caverns.
Best regards,
Your Demon Overlord.
Post by: Laughing Man on July 08, 2011, 04:58:46 pm
I know you hate goblins. I do to. But you're not even in your underwear at the moment, so could you NOT charge out through the trap corridor into the middle of a seige when you run out of bolts? Seriously, the ammo pile is right freaking next to you.
Post by: beefsupreme on July 08, 2011, 05:54:18 pm
Given that you were selected to build the walls of a chamber DESIGNED to drown those inside it, did you think it would be a good idea to stand on the side of the wall you stood on? I understand it's exciting new technology, and I don't like you enough to stop you from testing it yourself.
Post by: Oaktree on July 08, 2011, 08:59:28 pm
I understand your heads are solid bone. But I still want you to wear the helms and caps issued as part of your uniform. Your fellow citizens slaved in the magma sea to mine that ore, fought off magma crabs, and slaved at the forges to get the skills to make these high quality pieces of armor and superior weaponry. You may think it is macho to fight goblins and trolls without head protection and to bite the troll as your initial attack but the management does not approve.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on July 09, 2011, 02:42:22 am
Please die faster. We would like to hawk your crap to the merchants.
Yours truly,
The Dwarves of Realmstaff
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 09, 2011, 08:00:47 am
Post by: Greiger on July 09, 2011, 10:48:07 am
Union rules sir, Rule # 67 states that only one dwarf may carry a bucket at a time per pond zone no matter how large. If you have a large enough pit you wish to fill full of water it is perfectly within union rules to make multiple pond zones to get more than one dwarf assigned to the job at a time.
Sincerely going on break,
Urist McRulemonger.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 09, 2011, 10:51:24 am
Post by: Sutremaine on July 09, 2011, 01:22:11 pm
i've recently had an outbreak of that. solved it with 2 tile drink only stockpile set to 2 barrels, and setting it to take from the main drink stockpile. dwarves are more eager to haul than take care of their fellows. i also have a 1 tile stockpile for prepared food set to no barrels. sometimes i have to micromanage which jailcell is taking from the main piles [....]Meh, just have all the cells running on the same stockpile. You can create a food stockpile and snip out individual tiles, and then create a drink stockpile over the top and repeat the process. Since the single drink stockpile will only take a single empty barrel, you won't be needing two drink tiles per cell.
Post by: Greiger on July 09, 2011, 02:07:12 pm
Why let the criminals drink the good booze after all.
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on July 09, 2011, 03:01:44 pm
You do not really have to drag back this wolf that you wanted to put in pasture. No, really. I do not ring "all civilians to burrow" alert for shits and giggles. Leave this dumb animal and RUN AWAY.
Your Armok.
Post by: MrShovelFace on July 09, 2011, 05:55:31 pm
I understand your thinking that it is OK to let yourself be dragged into a butcher's shop by a crazed dorf but let me assure you that fighting back is a much healthier alternative. I can't guarantee the next time this happens it will be on the mayor's bones.
Your's truly, the god of blood
Post by: RAKninja on July 09, 2011, 09:01:04 pm
1 tile pond zones seem to work in the jails too. If they can reach them they should drink from those, then it's just a matter of food.because there is no gold to meet the duchess' demand for it. that and my metalworking industry has military experience. and i have a few thousand spare units of booze.
Why let the criminals drink the good booze after all.
i keep good jail cells, but i also keep 3 (or four if you count a donkey bone artifact shortsword) of the fortress guard armed with lethal weapons. i also use the fortress guard to train folks for full time duty in the militia.
justice in bronzetools is usally lax and lavish, but there exists the possibility for "characteristic" dwarven brutality.
dear urist mccleaner:
please find the puddle of forgotten beast gunk that causes whoever steps in to to spontaneously and with little to no warning die, and clean it up. it can only be a single tile. i know there are litterally thousands of things that need hauling, but this is kind of important. i'd rather not having to draft you guys so to experiment on which puddle of goo is causing death.
your loving dictator.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 09, 2011, 09:22:50 pm
dear urist mccleaner:
please find the puddle of forgotten beast gunk that causes whoever steps in to to spontaneously and with little to no warning die, and clean it up. it can only be a single tile. i know there are litterally thousands of things that need hauling, but this is kind of important. i'd rather not having to draft you guys so to experiment on which puddle of goo is causing death.
your loving dictator.
You DON'T want to experiment on them? How else will you know what to inflict on the elves and goblins?
Post by: RAKninja on July 09, 2011, 09:45:05 pm
the elves and goblins have no business in the mineshaft where the goo must be. not only is there an opening to the third cavern layer (and escape) but it leads to my magma industry. takes long enough getting stuff down there that i'd like to avoid having job cancellations. as i know no way to scoop the goo up and dump it onto any elf or goblin, all that can be done is clean up, so i do not lose any more precious, precious haulers. my fort is built to support a little over 200 dwarves, and i've had >150 for almost 5 years now. too many jobs, not enough dwarves to do them.dear urist mccleaner:
please find the puddle of forgotten beast gunk that causes whoever steps in to to spontaneously and with little to no warning die, and clean it up. it can only be a single tile. i know there are litterally thousands of things that need hauling, but this is kind of important. i'd rather not having to draft you guys so to experiment on which puddle of goo is causing death.
your loving dictator.
You DON'T want to experiment on them? How else will you know what to inflict on the elves and goblins?
add to that, i care for my dwarves. i have flooded other forts, and brough various disasters to them, but this particular bunch of them seem hardworking, and obliging to my whims, so i'd like to keep them around.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 09, 2011, 10:29:43 pm
When i give you an order to dig a channel or build a wall that has a closed space on the opposite side, it would be appreciated if you would not stand on the enclosed side of it. I don't have time to check if you knuckleheads are smart enough to know which side to stand on when it's part of a large pumpstack. If this continues, I'll stop looking and leave you to the inevitable rising magma, or starvation. Whichever comes first.
Post by: Deus Machina on July 10, 2011, 12:17:40 am
Alright, I could have forgiven you for walling yourself on the cavern side of the protective wall. But, please, knock on the wall a few times to let someone know you're out there.
The appropriate response is not to finish the wall, find you're locked out, and decide to go sprinting off to the far corner of the known caverns, where my usual post-fortifying check doesn't catch you until you starve to death.
At the very least, you could have kept your eyes open and sprinted into the unknown caverns, you useless jackass.
--the aggravated overseer.
Post by: TheOddDemon on July 10, 2011, 12:24:57 am
Please eat the hundreds of lavish meals we have laying around. Don't grab the plump helmets just as they grow. And you have the gall to complain about the lack of booze.
Your Demon Overlord
Post by: RAKninja on July 10, 2011, 01:01:12 am
Dear Urist Mceveryone:
Please eat the hundreds of lavish meals we have laying around. Don't grab the plump helmets just as they grow. And you have the gall to complain about the lack of booze.
Your Demon Overlord
ditto. very much ditto.
and quit walking through the legendary dining room that seats over thirty (and is only occupied by two) to go eat in the jailcells. i'm considering chaining the next blockhead that passes the dining hall, and walks thirty-odd tiles of restricted traffic designated tiles, into the cell that they seem to like so much.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 10, 2011, 01:38:41 am
Post by: TheOddDemon on July 10, 2011, 10:10:12 am
What do you mean, no distillable items? I just checked the stocks, and we have hundreds of plump helmets! Hell, I saw one of you grab a handful on your way past the still! Just because you like water does not mean everyone does. DO NOT LET THIS CONTINUE. You have been warned.
Your Annoyed Demon Overlord
Post by: shadenight123 on July 10, 2011, 10:34:12 am
Dear Urist Mcbrewers:
What do you mean, no distillable items? I just checked the stocks, and we have hundreds of plump helmets! Hell, I saw one of you grab a handful on your way past the still! Just because you like water does not mean everyone does. DO NOT LET THIS CONTINUE. You have been warned.
Your Annoyed Demon Overlord
are they signed as brewable in the stocks screen?
:/
Post by: malvado on July 10, 2011, 11:13:06 am
instead of just going directly to the trading depot with the item that is scheduled for trading. Lazy bums!
Post by: Khris on July 10, 2011, 11:31:24 am
you really seem to like that spot by the river. You know, the one on the other side of the map over the bridge where you love to go and drink.
I'm wondering, does the water there taste better than at other parts of the river which are nearer at the fortress?
Do you maybe NOT like the THREE designated water sources I made you, two of them fed by the water from the river you love to drink so much??
If you get killed by any passing monster or siege or whatever because you're so far away from the fortress, it is YOUR OWN FAULT, so you hear me???
Damn, I don't even know whom to punish if I loose one of my legendary dwarves like that!
You're such a pain, all of you!
Post by: shadenight123 on July 10, 2011, 12:21:02 pm
Post by: MrShovelFace on July 10, 2011, 02:51:13 pm
Next time I sned you to a cave breach to save my fortress dont wall yourself in and DONT go hunt for a small animal while you still are iin posession of my only axe
Your's truly, Armok, God of Blood
Post by: eataTREE on July 10, 2011, 03:57:41 pm
ps:try Orders, Zone orders. drink only from preferred zones. or something similar.Dear Overseer, please check to see that the designated drinking zones contain fresh water and not salt water first. If the number to "Water Source" in the Zones sub-menu is 0, it's full of salt water and we can't actually drink that.
Yours,
Urist McDoesntWannaDieofThirst
Post by: LordExumius on July 10, 2011, 04:26:51 pm
Please use the 27 empty barrels available to you and stop complaining about food storage devices.
Post by: RAKninja on July 10, 2011, 09:40:33 pm
Dear brewerdeer overseer,
Please use the 27 empty barrels available to you and stop complaining about food storage devices.
please make sure that the barrels are not reserved for stockpiles, we always make sure that every stockpile has an empty barrel!
urist mcbrewer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 10, 2011, 10:44:19 pm
Post by: Misery on July 11, 2011, 07:15:57 am
I really would appreciate it if, BEFORE cutting open a patient, you would be so good as to check for, and grab, sutures FIRST. If there are not sutures prepared, it is prudent to NOT begin the surgery yet.
It is NOT a good idea to cut the patient open, spray blood on the walls, complain about sutures (which were quickly being prepared at the time), and then go have a drink and pass out.
This is not good medical practice. Just so you know.
Yours Truly,
The Annoyed One
Post by: zehive on July 11, 2011, 07:57:22 am
I DISABLED ALL YOUR GODDAMN LABORS SO THAT YOU WOULDNT BE BUSY MOVING MOVING ROCKS AND PULLING WEEDS OUT OF THE GROUND SO THAT YOU WOULD TRADE AT THE DEPOT AND NOW THE CARAVAN HAS LEFT. WHY THE HELL YOU EVER CONSIDERED STORING ITEMS IN BINS, WHILE YOUR HAULING LABORS WERE OFF, WAS MORE IMPORTANT THEN TRADING FOR THE MUCH NEEDED EMPTY BARRELS AND DRINKS THE CARAVAN WAS FULL OF WHILE THE FORTRESS IS DEBOOZEDRATED I'LL NEVER KNOW. YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF I DON'T THROW YOU IN THE SAME ROOM AS ONE OF THE MANY STILL ARMED GOBLINS WE HAVE. ARMOK PROTECT YOU.
Sincerely,
Homicidal invisible voice
PS. I don't think the humans will be very happy with us now that I killed them all.
Post by: schussel on July 11, 2011, 11:20:56 am
thats what cancel job is for at the jobs menu ... since i was busy .. i did like everybody ... shuffleing (stuff around .. ok that was a bad one).
Greetings,
McBrokerdwarf (still carrying that heavy linen sock)
Post by: MangyHobo on July 11, 2011, 12:34:38 pm
Please for the love of god stop commiting suiside in the fortress drinking water and causing the dwarfs to throw up all over the place.
Signed: BakedCreature The Immortal Eater of Mushrooms
Post by: Fredd on July 11, 2011, 12:44:22 pm
we all appreciate the spells you learned from the dark wizard Perterix. The magma you created will save us lots of time not having to mess with the magma deep in the bowels of the earth. The problem is why did you cast a spell that created a mass of water several stories high to fill the swimming pool? When it appeared, it caused the worst mess since the booze supply blew up. Besides the mess, scared the heck out of the livestock, nearby dwarves, and whats worse the goblins in the seige outside the gates, after they finished laughing, called us idiots, and left the territory.
Sincerely,
Your loyal, and very wet peon.
Post by: LordExumius on July 11, 2011, 02:15:46 pm
Dear brewerdeer overseer,
Please use the 27 empty barrels available to you and stop complaining about food storage devices.
please make sure that the barrels are not reserved for stockpiles, we always make sure that every stockpile has an empty barrel!
urist mcbrewer
Dear brewer,
You have the nerve to call me a deer? Do you realise that such an insult will warrant several unnecessarily brutal beatings from the sheriff?
Incidentally,
Dear Sheriff,
Would you kindly tone down the unnecessary brutality of your beatings?
The Overseer
Post by: andyman564 on July 11, 2011, 02:58:49 pm
why on earth did you think that the best time to complete that wall segment was DURING a raging forest fire!? though i have to admit that i'm astounded that you did, in fact run through the inferno, complete the construction, and then proceeded to run back through the fire to the safety of the fort, somehow avoiding being set on fire in the process. though i am relieved that you are alive (only because you are one of my best masons), if i catch you pulling another stunt like that again i'm locking you out.
-The Overseer-
Dear UristMcIdiot,
you were literally a single step outside our gates when you discovered the goblin ambush. all you had to do was turn around and run through the trap filled corridor to safety. WHY IN ARMOKS NAME DID YOU CHARGE THE GOBLINS! Your body will be left to rot on the surface, the only memory of you will be a microline slab, which will promptly be chucked into the magma pit.
-The Overseer-
Post by: arzzult on July 11, 2011, 03:40:36 pm
What is fire?
With !!groveling!!, UristMcPyro.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 11, 2011, 09:33:36 pm
You killed the damn FB, why the hell are you and your squad STANDING IN THE *CENSORED* *CENSORED*'ing *VERY CENSORED* FIRE? Three of your squad have titles and multiple FB kills each, for Armok's sake!
Post by: zehive on July 12, 2011, 03:23:02 am
I understand the export of amulets was prohibited, but I thought that was stupid and traded them anyway. But for the love of Armok why did you decide to kill anyone who handled a bin containing them. Enjoy starving to death
Sincerely,
Homicidal invisible voice
PS. The fortress has now entered an irreversible tantrum spiral I'll see to it that before everyone dies the armed goblins are all released, mostly infront of you.
Post by: Reudh on July 12, 2011, 03:38:56 am
When I marked an object for dumping, please do so immediately. When I order a goblin's clothing dumped so he is easy pickings for the military, please do so without any fuss.
Please honour the dwarf "Sparkzlite" Mengnelas. While he is critically injured and is probably still very weak, he spends a lot of time idling so BE HIS FRIEND. He needs something like that. I know you all idle a lot too, so strike up a conversation with the poor lad.
Sincerely,
Reudh, minor deity of Boldropes and your overseer.
Post by: Deus Machina on July 12, 2011, 03:47:16 am
If it were any other dwarf, I would accept your "cannot pick up equipment: too injured" complaint at face value. I mean, you're missing your right hand and have some scrapes elsewhere. But in deference to your condition, I unequipped the gauntlet you couldn't wear, and the weapon you weren't using, since you have an iron shield and some wrestling and punching skills. And that stopped the complaints for a little while, but when I tell you to go out and kill goblins, I expect you to go and start splitting some skulls.
Instead, you sprinted to the main gate to meet the goblins and tried stealing the dead ones' gloves, until one got too close. The reports of the resulting noises were: *PA-KANG* "Fecking gloves!" and you ran off to go sulk.
You don't have room for more gloves. Now get back out there and start clobbering some greenies.
Post by: Reudh on July 12, 2011, 03:51:15 am
Why on earth have you taken up residence in Boldropes? Your friends have long since left and you have not left the entrance of my fort in months, and yet you show no signs of weakening.
Sincerely, confused overseer of Murakgoden,
Reudh
Post by: noah22223 on July 12, 2011, 04:14:22 am
Dear Oda Sedmeemeg, human hammerman guard of the caravan of Iquimong,Dear Reudh,
Why on earth have you taken up residence in Boldropes? Your friends have long since left and you have not left the entrance of my fort in months, and yet you show no signs of weakening.
Sincerely, confused overseer of Murakgoden,
Reudh
I was ordered by our noble king to stay and help guard the fortress, as a testament of good will.
As so, I WILL NOT FUCKING LEAVE. EVER.
Sincerely,
Oda
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 13, 2011, 08:43:00 pm
I understand you do not like running towards immediate danger, even if it leads to long-term survival. However, when danger is to one side and the fort to the other, do NOT run in a random direction unless it is towards the fortress. Capiche?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Kay12 on July 14, 2011, 01:12:47 am
Remove those scaffoldings now, they're security threat now that we have the trap bridge ready NO DON'T START THERE YOU SODDING FOOL, IT'LL COME DOWN!
I'll be missing the five other casualties.
Yours
K the Overseer
Post by: AiresPenlaw on July 14, 2011, 06:43:38 am
Breaks are important, nobody is arguing otherwise. However, your "break" has lasted long enough to see two caravans come and go. When your break ended, instead of going to the Depot to trade our silver for much-needed lignite, you decided it'd be a great idea to slaughter a goat. If it weren't for the fact that we have barely settled here, I would have you confined to cleaning the Magma Resevoir.
Do not let this happen again.
Yours,
Aires Penlaw, Overseer of Dalehelms.
Post by: Shootandrun on July 14, 2011, 09:53:06 am
Next time you want to bite the foot of an elephant to death, tell me before trying, ok? It takes a long time to train the soldiers to get at your level, and I don't expect you to die at the first ennemy you encounter. At least you survived, and I hope the fact that you don't have legs won't stop you from killing goblins.
PS: If it does stop you from killing goblins, remember: I know where you live.
Post by: Zdrok on July 14, 2011, 10:24:58 am
Yes, I agree that you are justified in not picking up your equipment due to your injuries. That's not my issue here. One of your arms has been torn off and your other arm has been severely fractured in multiple places. For Armok's sake GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL.
Best regards,
Overseer of Glazedragons.
Post by: ExdeathV on July 14, 2011, 02:31:45 pm
Stop being a bunch of crybabies because of the bedrooms I gave my legendary workers. You didn't do shit when you came over, so why do you think you should get anything nice.
From,
That invisible force that tells you what to do
Post by: ArmokGoB on July 14, 2011, 02:48:47 pm
Stop trying to surf on caving-in rock and dirt. Even if you live, I don't want you mining with a broken leg, a broken arm, a broken nose, and various mangled organs. If you do, I'll use you as live bait when the cheetah comes back.
Sincerely, AlexaiZ
Post by: arcangelsd on July 14, 2011, 06:02:00 pm
Could you please, go bring the captain of the expedition force here to the hospital where the good Sergeant-turned Chief medical dwarf could patch him? I want you to remember that this guy has staved off two ogre ambushes, one of them BY BITING THE ATTACKERS TO DEATH WHILE HE WAS LYING ON THE FLOOR!
People, at least stop drinking all the booze and give the guy a sip or two. We need him. We just settled here -again- He has proven to be more efficient than the Soldiers Mc-my-mighty-cat-leather-dress-is-my-armor.
Also, dear Captain, we DID put a booze barrel a few squares from you. You may have a broken foot, but I SWEAR that I have seen you moving. On your own. SO PLEASE WANDER TOWARDS THE BOOZE.
That's all for the first two months of the reclaim.
Your overseer, arcangelsd
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 15, 2011, 01:36:19 am
Dear Nobles,
Stop being a bunch of crybabies because of the bedrooms I gave my legendary workers. You didn't do shit when you came over, so why do you think you should get anything nice.
From,
That invisible force that tells you what to do
Dear Invisible Force, TTYWTD;
We've heard... rumours from other fortresses of Nobles that make nuisances of themselves having accidents that no-one can seem to find accountable for. If you can keep them busy for five minutes and point the miners to the nearest source of water, stockpile of trap parts, or even magma, I'm sure we can work out a solution to their grievances.
Sincerely; The dwarves of your fort.
Post by: raptor007 on July 15, 2011, 10:50:11 am
I know you are worried. I too have heard the rumors that our 20 strong military was slaughtered by 8 goblin archers. In hindsight, armor might have helped, or weapons. But that is why we are all safely inside this strong dinning room blocked by six imposing stone doors.
Yes, I hear the goblins coming in through the front door which someone forgot to link to a lever. Yes, they do sound scary and angry. But again, that is why we are all safely inside this room with six doors.
The most important issue right now is someone NEEDS TO CLOSE THE LAST FUCKING DOOR! There is ONE RAT REMAINS blocking the final door from closing. Notice how it has been marked for dumping and a refuse pile is one square away from it.
Now instead of eating, drinking, or sleeping every single one of you 54 dwarves has nothing but hauling labors and the remains are clearly within the burrow. So MOVE THE DAMN RAT BEFORE WE ALL DIE!
No? None of you? Well then you all deserve what is coming.
Sincerely, slightly worried overseen,
Dalgren
Post by: RAKninja on July 15, 2011, 10:57:33 am
GO AWAY! i can build a second (and likely a third) fort from all of the bones of your fellow goblins. you see the corpses piled across at least a full third of the surface? those are your fellow goblins. i do not need any more copper or silver. i definitely do not need any more of your stinking rags. your stupid demon left years ago... go look for him or something. you dorks make more hauling jobs than i can keep up with, and the kobolds loot the battlefield and get it into their think skills that THEY should try to "siege". i feel kind of bad for the kobolds, but not you blighters. go away or i shall give serious thought to flooding the surface with magma.
with love:
overseer of Bronzetools.
Post by: eataTREE on July 15, 2011, 11:32:05 am
To Urist McLegendarySpearDwarfIt appears that your fortress is staffed by dwarves left over from a World of Warcraft raid. In addition to standing in the fire, do they also refuse to attack the designated kill target? :D
You killed the damn FB, why the hell are you and your squad STANDING IN THE *CENSORED* *CENSORED*'ing *VERY CENSORED* FIRE? Three of your squad have titles and multiple FB kills each, for Armok's sake!
Post by: krenshala on July 15, 2011, 05:03:08 pm
Dear Urist McScaredycat,I have to ask ... did they every close that last door? :D
I know you are worried. I too have heard the rumors that our 20 strong military was slaughtered by 8 goblin archers. In hindsight, armor might have helped, or weapons. But that is why we are all safely inside this strong dinning room blocked by six imposing stone doors.
Yes, I hear the goblins coming in through the front door which someone forgot to link to a lever. Yes, they do sound scary and angry. But again, that is why we are all safely inside this room with six doors.
The most important issue right now is someone NEEDS TO CLOSE THE LAST FUCKING DOOR! There is ONE RAT REMAINS blocking the final door from closing. Notice how it has been marked for dumping and a refuse pile is one square away from it.
Now instead of eating, drinking, or sleeping every single one of you 54 dwarves has nothing but hauling labors and the remains are clearly within the burrow. So MOVE THE DAMN RAT BEFORE WE ALL DIE!
No? None of you? Well then you all deserve what is coming.
Sincerely, slightly worried overseen,
Dalgren
Post by: arzzult on July 15, 2011, 06:45:23 pm
To Urist McLegendarySpearDwarfIt appears that your fortress is staffed by dwarves left over from a World of Warcraft raid. In addition to standing in the fire, do they also refuse to attack the designated kill target? :D
You killed the damn FB, why the hell are you and your squad STANDING IN THE *CENSORED* *CENSORED*'ing *VERY CENSORED* FIRE? Three of your squad have titles and multiple FB kills each, for Armok's sake!
Dear Overseer,
http://shadeofaranchant.ytmnd.com/
Sincerely !!Urist McFlammable!!
Post by: Alestom on July 15, 2011, 10:21:04 pm
You outnumbered those goblins by 20, you were wearing steel armour.......... YOU WERE TRAINED FOR 3 YEARS IN A ROW FOR THIS VERY ENGAGEMENT! HOW DID YOU LOSE TO 10 GOD DAMNED GOBLIN SWORDSMEN?!..........
Your very agitated and surprised Overlord, Alestorm.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 15, 2011, 10:25:19 pm
To Urist McLegendarySpearDwarfIt appears that your fortress is staffed by dwarves left over from a World of Warcraft raid. In addition to standing in the fire, do they also refuse to attack the designated kill target? :D
You killed the damn FB, why the hell are you and your squad STANDING IN THE *CENSORED* *CENSORED*'ing *VERY CENSORED* FIRE? Three of your squad have titles and multiple FB kills each, for Armok's sake!
Only if it's an elf ambush. Any other time that go right after it and murder the poor bastard.
Post by: Baron Baconeer on July 16, 2011, 04:50:02 am
I understand that burying the dead is an ancient tradition and should be honored. But, there's a squad of swordgoblins currently walking over the corpses. This is not a problem, since they are slow bastards. However, captain of the guard and his posse are moving in to confront the attackers. Yes, he's the feathered demonic bison guy with his other demon pals. You are going to rot away if you happen to be standing there when they fight. Yes, this exactly same thing happened during the last ambush where we lost 30 idiots AND my best soldiers. Thank you.
Ever slightly annoyed,
Overseer
Dear goblins of the civilization with bucket as their symbol (How do you get the trolls work for you?)
I know, Bronzestrike is THE mountainhome, and a hoard to assorted craft worth millions. However, we have very lazy smiths, who have to be coaxed with great effort to do particularly anything. So, I have to thank you for all those iron breastplates and silver flails/whips/whatever you are hauling here, but next time, will you please stop bringing that copper crap and silver edged weapons here? I can't be assed to smelt all of that crap. Also, donations of clothing have kept the fort from becoming a nudist camp, which I also thank you of.
Grateful,
Overseer
Post by: Tiruin on July 16, 2011, 07:45:44 am
When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.
But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.
That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.
Truly yours,
The Overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 16, 2011, 07:53:52 am
Dear Urist McMason
When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.
But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.
That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.
Truly yours,
The Overseer
To the Overseer; re: Masonry
Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible. Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.
Sincerely;
Urist McMason, Jnr.
Post by: Reudh on July 16, 2011, 08:41:28 am
May I remind you you were only promoted to herbalist because the fort was low on food, and hence we require quite a few people to be outside to feed us- that when ambushed by six goblins, you don't try to run TOWARD them... I may just assume you're committing mutiny and have you sentenced to death by Danger Room. And believe me, being torn to death by FORTY WOODEN SPEARS takes quite a while.
(I know you survived, let's just think that the goblins weren't interested in your mud-caked beard and instead wanted to fight REAL DWARVES).
Sincerely, disgruntled Overseer Reudh of Murakgoden who wanted some prisoners.
Post by: RAKninja on July 16, 2011, 08:49:15 am
Dear Urist McMason
When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.
But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.
That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.
Truly yours,
The Overseer
To the Overseer; re: Masonry
Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible. Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.
Sincerely;
Urist McMason, Jnr.
dear locally bonded masons, lodge 507,
this left side business is news to me! why did you fine fellows insist on walling yourselves into the caverns after i told you to build the walls (following first in, last out SoP) with the last walls to be constructed on the right? there was a space open to the left of the final wall section, but no, you and your lodge brother sealed yourselves into the caverns. despite your eagerness, i have no wish for you to explore the caverns. you two are nudists, and the job of exploration is better suited to those big muscular dwarves that wear the nice blue metal armor. we have a persistent security breach because no matter the order of designation, you always wall yourself into the caverns, and i am unwilling to lose you.
if anything happens to crawl up through the caverns, we will be returning to the "goblin years" policy of drafting everybody not actively involved in keeping the whole sodding mess of you drunken midgets alive. then, i will march the lot of you off to find "itvid", that giant green three eyed anteater that has coated the flooded caverns with his mucous.
kindest regards:
the power behind the throne
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 16, 2011, 10:17:52 am
Dear Urist McMason
When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.
But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.
That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.
Truly yours,
The Overseer
To the Overseer; re: Masonry
Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible. Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.
Sincerely;
Urist McMason, Jnr.
dear locally bonded masons, lodge 507,
this left side business is news to me! why did you fine fellows insist on walling yourselves into the caverns after i told you to build the walls (following first in, last out SoP) with the last walls to be constructed on the right? there was a space open to the left of the final wall section, but no, you and your lodge brother sealed yourselves into the caverns. despite your eagerness, i have no wish for you to explore the caverns. you two are nudists, and the job of exploration is better suited to those big muscular dwarves that wear the nice blue metal armor. we have a persistent security breach because no matter the order of designation, you always wall yourself into the caverns, and i am unwilling to lose you.
if anything happens to crawl up through the caverns, we will be returning to the "goblin years" policy of drafting everybody not actively involved in keeping the whole sodding mess of you drunken midgets alive. then, i will march the lot of you off to find "itvid", that giant green three eyed anteater that has coated the flooded caverns with his mucous.
kindest regards:
the power behind the throne
To: The Power Behind The Throne
Re: Right-hand side
It would appear those deviant right-side heathens have infiltrated our numbers yet again. Be aware that the standard practice is indeed to wall from the left, and those two deviants should be left to the fate they so rightly deserve.
Sincerely; The left-sided masonic dwarf brotherhood
Post by: ledgekindred on July 16, 2011, 11:23:36 am
Thanks for walking into all those cage traps I have set up. Now you are in my animal stockpile waiting for me to release you into the barracks for "Training purposes."
By the way, you are locked in with a zombie cave crocodile and some zombie naked mole rats. Most of them are pretty rotten. If I may paraphrase the immortal words of legends, "Welcome to fucking Palaceblameless! Hope you like miasma!" Smell it while you can, for you shall certainly be dead soon.
Yrs
Omniscient and not-so-benevolent Overseer
Post by: noah22223 on July 16, 2011, 12:54:21 pm
"Welcome to fucking Palaceblameless! Hope you like miasma!"
Quote from: Boatmurdered
"Welcome to fucking Boatmurdered! hope you like miasma!"(http://feralpartykids.com/images/fry%20i%20see%20what%20you%20did%20there.jpg)
Post by: Vorthon on July 16, 2011, 01:53:02 pm
Post by: The Merchant Of Menace on July 16, 2011, 01:56:10 pm
Post by: malimbar04 on July 16, 2011, 07:18:54 pm
I like how everyone ignores the fact that he stated he was paraphrasing AKA taking a famous quote and using it to suit his own needs.I hope you know that's not the definition of paraphrasing.
Anyways...
Dear Urist,
please stop going outside the fort. We have a triple-lock, trap-infused entrance with war dogs on ropes for a reason. Notice how many people complain of lost cats? Hint, they're not running away.
Post by: Tiruin on July 16, 2011, 09:16:28 pm
Just like the note to the Mason I've sent, I'm surprised at your view on self-preservation. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that you have full rights to leash that tame tiger/giant eagle and move it to the designated pasture or chain but you should also remember that when an animal is in a leash and you are holding it, it can't attack any other hostile until you let go of the leash.
Please remember that tame animals are fiercely loyal to us all, let go of it once danger is spotted. Remember the story of Koganusan? Yes, that is what I mean by loyal animals once tamed.
And don't forget the old saying "Run while you can, there is always a chance to stand and fight."
If I may clarify, go let go of that leash when you see a goblin conscript charging at you with fear in his eyes. The animal you are bringing won't save you from him if you still hold the leash. I repeat, you will have to fight him, yourself
And thanks for bringing those giant eagle eggs for my breakfast, now please tell me when I will have my giant eaglets?
-The Overseer who loves fried eggs.
(I also wish that Toady would implement a "retreat" option in the military, just like move but it would ignore hostiles. Ignore the words in the parentheses, not connected to letter at all)
Post by: HunterBlackLuna on July 16, 2011, 11:22:15 pm
If the prisoner in for a hundred days is not brought food and drink, he is going to die. The prisoner is the commander of militia and we are under siege. It is in your direct personal interest to have the commander of our military avoid dehydrating to death. We have hundreds of barrels of booze. Yes, there are no freshwater sources available to give a drink from, because the river is guarded by seventy angry Goblins, but the prisoner is not injured and can drink booze like any good Dort. We also have fifty idlers in the Great Hall, right next to said booze.
Signed, Management.
Urist McMayor,
I understand your anger that your production mandate was ignored. However, I have three points to bring to your attention. 1. This fortress does not currently possess the ability to make pig iron. 2. The commander of the militia is not in charge of metalworking and was a weaver before he joined the military. 3. 100 days is an extreme sentence for failing a production order. I know you believe that it's a step up from having the captain of the guard violently beat the last militia commander to death in the food stockpile, but in either case, the 'offender' is now dead. Pursuant to these events, if the Goblins manage to pierce our weakened defenses, you will die screaming. You will deserve it.
Signed, Management.
Urist McMason,
When building a wall, you can choose to stand within the workshop, sealing yourself up with a babbling lunatic who's threatening to explode into a berserker rage and tear you to pieces with their bare goddamn hands, or you can choose not to stand within the workshop to be sealed up. As you know, our civilization believes heavily in the values of self-determination that brought our people to Anusdimple in the first place, and so, whatever your choice may be, your fellow Dorfs will not interfere with it in any way.
With Love, Management.
Post by: ledgekindred on July 16, 2011, 11:40:30 pm
I like how everyone ignores the fact that he stated he was paraphrasing AKA taking a famous quote and using it to suit his own needs.I hope you know that's not the definition of paraphrasing.
From the ODD (Oxford Dwarfish Dictionary):
parahprase: v. "To blatantly steal for one's own purposes."
nyah...
Post by: The Master on July 17, 2011, 12:41:02 am
Dear Kurthyvor*, Dracon Trader
Just because YOU can breathe underwater does not mean your mule can. Stop swimming through the sewer system to get to the trade depot and then having your friends getting pissy and leaving because your mule drown. No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa. It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.
Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning corpses out of the plumbing.
*"Dagger" in dracon
Dear Urist McRetard,
Please stop attempting to eat slime goo. it is quite embarrassing for you and your co-workers. Also, when you see a volcano, please refrain from attempting to drink out of it. One last thing, DON'T F*CKING RUN OVER TO THE TROLLS ASKING FOR PEACE, THEY'LL JUST EAT YOU.
~Your favorite Master
Post by: Tiruin on July 17, 2011, 02:21:25 am
Thirst is a very bad thing, I should know, I am the overseer. Drink, that is good to keep your mind busy, water is also good, only resort to drinking that when wounded or out of drink.
Now here is another thing, magma. You've heard of it right? It burns through rock, steel and flesh and is colored red. That "red" isn't the same color like that nice cranberry wine I got for the fort from our good neighbors.
Thirst is bad, but what is worse when you forget what you are drinking out of. Just remember, I care about you no matter how
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: HunterBlackLuna on July 17, 2011, 09:54:18 am
Dear Urist McThirst
Thirst is a very bad thing, I should know, I am the overseer. Drink, that is good to keep your mind busy, water is also good, only resort to drinking that when wounded or out of drink.
Now here is another thing, magma. You've heard of it right? It burns through rock, steel and flesh and is colored red. That "red" isn't the same color like that nice cranberry wine I got for the fort from our good neighbors.
Thirst is bad, but what is worse when you forget what you are drinking out of. Just remember, I care about you no matter howuselessunskilled you still are. Do NOT drink out of magma no matter how dehydrated you are. I'd rather keep you sane and sober than with half of your face melted off.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
I thought this was just a sig joke by somebody- please tell me desperate Dorfs don't actually attempt to drink magma.
Post by: Greiger on July 17, 2011, 10:11:14 am
Ok, those orcs are directly in front of you, they are basically disabled. Will you shoot the ballista straight this time to finish them off? Oh I see you didn't, you fired it off at some strange angle again, yea well that was usel- Wait, one orc got up, he's fleeing, and he's hanging a left, is he going to...yes he is...
Quote
The flying -silver ballista arrow- strikes The Orc Spearman in the head, bruising the muscle, jamming the skull through the brain and tearing apart the brain!That was some impressive powers of prediction there. Now will you please stop showing off and just shoot the rest of them?
The Orc Spearman has been knocked unconscious!
Impressed,
The administration.
Post by: Elisebambi on July 17, 2011, 10:33:46 am
Post by: Elisebambi on July 17, 2011, 11:36:00 am
I appreciate that your single handed (and by that, I mean you have one hand) efforts to keep our stockpiles filled to the brim with Mussels (That is, if someone would haul the Mussels from where you left them on the riverbank)--have kept our tables lined with mountains of Mussel Biscuits... and, Truly, Truly Fikod, I like you. You are incredibly creative, and you are very straightforward and honest with others. Your laugh--which is... unique has even grown on me! That beat of that song that plays in your head comes through perfectly when you snap your fingers--that habit of yours you do when you are bored... We even have the same likes! Hornblende, Black Cap, Dwarven Cheese and beer.... you even hate lizards like me!... Your physique embodies the dwarven race, portly, curly hair... long sideburns-- long moustache, and the longest braided beard Ive ever seen--almost to your feet---which could be the reason why your excellent kinesthetic sense didn't prevent the incident which has spurred me to write this letter.
From what our doctor can see of you down there, at the base of this waterfall... he thinks that your remaining arm must be broken in several places, the mangled appearance of your legs would indicate they are severely damaged, and that hole in your stomach has allowed him to observe that your liver is most certainly bruised.
Now, while I hope your body recovers swiftly, or your body is swiftly recovered--I don't believe that you deserve any pity from the rest of us. Sure, when I ordered Urist McMinerdwarf to channel out a diversion for the river, I didn't instruct him to remove the ramps--but that shouldn't have made you think it was reasonable to climb down near the very edge of the waterfall to fish out of the basin below. Granted the water was very low, but, that was because it was all draining off of the edge of a hundred foot cliff... I thought you would know better.
Given that the torrent of blood you've donated to the river-basin below is flowing rather quickly in the direction of our original base-camp, your mangled body may be washed close enough for you to wiggle your various stumps, and barely recognizable appendages enough to reach the shore---I even contacted our best miner to ensure that there was a ramp for you! Again, I really, really hope that you are able to get out safely--and, I know that the dozens of crude surgeries that you will have to undergo (from our vastly under qualified doctor) will be intensely painful, and you will most likely die--if not by his hand, then by the infection which you will suffer through... but, not only do you deserve it, but if you do survive, I won't have to make Urist McWorthlessprofession take your place.
-Your admiring overseer. (Or at least I was before you became a mangled, crippled ball of dwarf flesh.)
Edit:
changed
Quote
"...hope you recover swiftly, or your body is swiftly recovered"to
Quote
"...hope your body recovers swiftly, or your body is swiftly recovered"
Post by: Elisebambi on July 17, 2011, 12:06:23 pm
Apparently you didn't get a chance to see my letter to Urist McFelloffacliffdorf--The waterfall, while pretty, is incredibly dangerous. The water moving off its edge, while only a few inches deep, moves very, very quickly. of the six of you who came here, looking to ruin my fortress, five of you were swept off your feet, and fell to what will surely be your death. Unfortunately, only one of you had the luxury of dying instantaneously. Worse, he landed ontop of Urist Mcfelloffacliff, and knocked him unconscious, which most likely won't do any harm, since he has been going in and out of consciousness for days, and hasn't drown yet. Who knew a one armed, broken legged bastard could swim that well? --I digress. The lot of you who are now enjoying a nice bath along with the alligators got what you deserved, and that is all I have to say to you, however... Urist McThresher, you are the one person who has survived this tragedy... I was extremely surprised when you informed me that none of the other migrants were your friends, or even acquaintances--I was worried that I might have to endure an unfortunate accident soon if that were the case.
There is one concern I have though. It appears that you have no friends, and besides your relationship with your dieties, the only creatures who'm you've ever given any of your love to... are your two pets who you brought with you. Now, given that there are two new corpses, a duckling and a peachick floating down the river... I am going to assume that you nolonger have any pets.
Please be careful around any levers you may find.
-Sincerely, the overseer of the fortress you are trying to invade.
((Doren Ethramathel has been quite content lately. She was comforted by a lovely waterfall lately. She sustained major injuries recently. Shem Ommelbil has been unhappy lately. She has lost a spouse to tragedy recently. She sustained major injuries recently.
Post by: Tetragenic on July 17, 2011, 12:36:07 pm
Why you must run off when a zombie hoary marmot appears bewilders me. I mean, it is commendable that an unskilled mason smashed in its head with one punch, but still it's a HOARY MARMOT.
On a second point, perhaps that skeletal giant eagle had something to do with it.
If you do not stop running away from creatures the size of your foot (looks at hoary marmot) Paintsaved will be forced to entomb you alive. With 100 elves. And an adamantine warhammer.
Sincerely,
That mysterious voice whispering "magma... magma..."
Post by: Tiruin on July 17, 2011, 05:58:02 pm
I write this letter to address your courage, how is it then whenever you see any animal, no, any creature that is not humanoid and is not tamed and is a goblin you run away screaming at the top of your lungs and leave your job?
Last time, the wall keeping those Goblins out was unfinished because you ran away from a rabbit it wasn't even that deadly compared to those badgers roaming about.
Come to think of it, why aren't you scared of those engravings that are all over the fortress? Like those Clowns in the dining room, they were making plaintive gestures and striking down dwarves and all the while giving off their "smile of death" and you tell me that you are "ecstatic because you dined in a Legendary dining hall?"
Not all animals are deadly, do not cancel your jobs because of them, trust in your dwarven arms to take care of your own defense.
Sincerely,
The Psychiatrist, Overseer
Post by: UltraValican on July 17, 2011, 06:32:51 pm
Why the f*ck are you all goblins!!!
Oh well construction of the olivine walls will continued as scheduled
Your Shocked OverLord.
Post by: andyman564 on July 17, 2011, 06:44:07 pm
you may want to double check the civ screen before embarking
with love,
Starting Seven
Post by: Elisebambi on July 17, 2011, 06:48:07 pm
While being a goblin in itself isn't a crime, nor is talking back to your overlord. I am going to eat you.
With love,
-FB
Post by: andyman564 on July 17, 2011, 06:49:48 pm
ARRUGHHH!!! OH GOD MY LEGS!
*splatter of blood*
Post by: Elisebambi on July 17, 2011, 06:51:16 pm
Please send more goblins.
-FB
Post by: ArmokGoB on July 17, 2011, 07:12:37 pm
I'll do ya one better!
At goblin HQ: "Men, gather the trolls, we've got work to do!"
Post by: ExdeathV on July 17, 2011, 09:50:21 pm
Shut up and send more of your troops so I can test out my traps on them.
Sincerely,
The fortress across from you.
Post by: zehive on July 18, 2011, 12:53:54 am
i ordered you to go and kill the ambush before they killed the fisherdwarf.
you arrived on the scene in record time while he was being chased about.
however, you stood about 10 tiles away and watched for a good 30 seconds before deciding to help, shortly afterwards the fisherdwarf was dead. he wouldn't have died if you weren't USELESS.
sincerely,
homicidal invisible voice
PS. i have arranged for you to fight 10 trolls in the colosseum
PPS. okay, so the goblin thief was spotted by you, and you promptly lobbed its head off. i'll reduce your punishment to 5 trolls.
Post by: Tiruin on July 18, 2011, 05:53:08 am
dear urist mcswordsdwarf
i ordered you to go and kill the ambush before they killed the fisherdwarf.
you arrived on the scene in record time while he was being chased about.
however, you stood about 10 tiles away and watched for a good 30 seconds before deciding to help, shortly afterwards the fisherdwarf was dead. he wouldn't have died if you weren't USELESS.
sincerely,
homicidal invisible voice
PS. i have arranged for you to fight 10 trolls in the colosseum
PPS. okay, so the goblin thief was spotted by you, and you promptly lobbed its head off. i'll reduce your punishment to 5 trolls.
Dear Voice,
That fisherdwarf was as good as dead. I was busy getting their attention screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting my sword against my shield, the goblins didn't react.
I did arrive 10 "tiles" ,as you call it, away because I know that when I tire out in running, I will be just like the fisherdwarf. I know I didn't know him well and was just a passing acquaintance but at least I was able to avenge him by killing the goblins.
Thanks for letting me in the colloseum your mightyness, it gives me a chance to prove myself worthy to you whom I cannot contact directly, proven by that thief.
Completely yours,
Mc Swords
Post by: zehive on July 18, 2011, 06:14:32 am
dear urist mcswordsdwarf
i ordered you to go and kill the ambush before they killed the fisherdwarf.
you arrived on the scene in record time while he was being chased about.
however, you stood about 10 tiles away and watched for a good 30 seconds before deciding to help, shortly afterwards the fisherdwarf was dead. he wouldn't have died if you weren't USELESS.
sincerely,
homicidal invisible voice
PS. i have arranged for you to fight 10 trolls in the colosseum
PPS. okay, so the goblin thief was spotted by you, and you promptly lobbed its head off. i'll reduce your punishment to 5 trolls.
Dear Voice,
That fisherdwarf was as good as dead. I was busy getting their attention screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting my sword against my shield, the goblins didn't react.
I did arrive 10 "tiles" ,as you call it, away because I know that when I tire out in running, I will be just like the fisherdwarf. I know I didn't know him well and was just a passing acquaintance but at least I was able to avenge him by killing the goblins.
Thanks for letting me in the colloseum your mightyness, it gives me a chance to prove myself worthy to you whom I cannot contact directly, proven by that thief.
Completely yours,
Mc Swords
dear urist mcswordsdorf
you are amazingly agile, virtually never sick, possed of amazing recuperative powers, absolutely exhaustible, basically unbreakable and unbelievably strong. you have 131 'notable' kills, many of which are titans and entire sieges you brought down alone.
a short jog and a few goblins shouldn't have been a problem.
Also you left troll bits all over the place. Its cool and all but they spurt the color of candy, and it drives me mad. only aim for the arteries on goblins, please.
Regards,
Homicidal invisible voice
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 18, 2011, 06:47:59 am
Re: Possession
I understand your whims to possess and guide my
Sincerely; Evil Dwarven Overlord.
Post by: Tiruin on July 18, 2011, 07:57:17 am
dear urist mcswordsdorf
you are amazingly agile, virtually never sick, possed of amazing recuperative powers, absolutely exhaustible, basically unbreakable and unbelievably strong. you have 131 'notable' kills, many of which are titans and entire sieges you brought down alone.
a short jog and a few goblins shouldn't have been a problem.
Also you left troll bits all over the place. Its cool and all but they spurt the color of candy, and it drives me mad. only aim for the arteries on goblins, please.
Regards,
Homicidal invisible voice
Dear Voice,
When you are truly agile and superdwarvenly strong, you will understand the meaning of not tired. Even heroes have to rest. About that troll splatter, I am a soldier, I am trained to kill, not do precise strikes so there will be less "mess". What would you do in my shoes if you had trolls bearing down on you? A dwarf has to do what a dwarf has to do to live. One lucky hit and it might be the end of me no matter how good I am.
That is what cleaning is for.
And thank you for guiding me my homicidal voice, thanks to you I know I am not that
Yours truly,
Swordsy
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 18, 2011, 08:13:29 am
Re: Digging and where to do it.
You saw that we were carving out a new reservoir. You saw that it's three stories high. AND you're a Legendary Miner! So WHY did you decide to stand on the top floor as you cut the last rim piece to drop it down and clear the entire thing? You're damn-near dead, unconcious with most limbs in the red and your liver and left kidney are blue. If you had pay, it'd be docked. As-is, if you survive, you'll be part of testing the Knifemurders liquid superweapon. Both the hot and cold liquid tests. If you survive that, all will be forgiven.
Post by: Tiruin on July 18, 2011, 08:32:50 am
To: Momuz Mysteryglazed
Re: Digging and where to do it.
You saw that we were carving out a new reservoir. You saw that it's three stories high. AND you're a Legendary Miner! So WHY did you decide to stand on the top floor as you cut the last rim piece to drop it down and clear the entire thing? You're damn-near dead, unconcious with most limbs in the red and your liver and left kidney are blue. If you had pay, it'd be docked. As-is, if you survive, you'll be part of testing the Knifemurders liquid superweapon. Both the hot and cold liquid tests. If you survive that, all will be forgiven.
Dear
We miners have standard protocol to do in mining, every dwarf who carries a pick and is enlisted as a miner has to swear the miner oath to mine first from the western direction. Every dwarf knows that.
There is no greater honor than seeing a Legend of our guild go out in the blaze of glory following this oath. To the overseer, we are truly sorry for his loss but give him great care if you will it, he knows what he was doing all this time.
Regards,
The Miner's Guild
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 18, 2011, 08:36:58 am
Post by: lanceleoghauni on July 18, 2011, 08:40:10 am
Your stunning idiocy and recent temper tantrum which killed: 3 Cats, a Fisherdwarf, and Multiple pieces of Furniture; has brought you to the attention of FortSec. We are here to inform you that you no longer exist. you will not be missed, you will not be mourned, no one will even remember who you are. you are not a hero for attempting to fight us. you have not inspired another to greatness.
There will not even be anything left to bury.
*atomsmashes the ThoughtCriminal*
Post by: Tiruin on July 18, 2011, 08:52:31 am
I am aware of the western standard, indeed the left-sided masonic brotherhood thank me for regularly complying to their standards in my designs. However, this miner chose North over South.
In addition to the oath, it starts like this. Mine/Build West > East > North > South > NW > SW > NE > SE.
Everyone seems to forget that there are four sides of the masonic brotherhood these days...And mixes in between them. :)
Edit: Oops, forgot my letter Urist.
Post by: UltraValican on July 18, 2011, 08:55:13 am
dear shocked Overlord,I checked the civ screem before I embarked, all races were listed except dwarves, and goblins appeaered as a normal civ, I checked the raws and I had [CREATURE:GOLBIN] right under dwarf in the entity raws.
you may want to double check the civ screen before embarking
with love,
Starting Seven
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 18, 2011, 08:57:15 am
I am aware of the western standard, indeed the left-sided masonic brotherhood thank me for regularly complying to their standards in my designs. However, this miner chose North over South.
In addition to the oath, it starts like this. Mine/Build West > East > North > South > NW > SW > NE > SE.
Everyone seems to forget that there are four sides of the masonic brotherhood these days...And mixes in between them. :)
Edit: Oops, forgot my letter Urist.
And i commend your brotherhood's lack of survival instinct. They managed to get Momuz down to the hospital where he's resting with a broken upper left arm, lower right arm, right hand, both upper legs, right foot, left hip and right ankle. I suspect if i'd gone for a 4-storey reservoir, i'd need several guys with bags to clean him off the floor.
Post by: Elisebambi on July 18, 2011, 02:00:46 pm
I know that you are not officially part of our fortress, here at Mountaingate, The prison of immortals, but as you reside here, you do factor in to the fabric of our tight knit little community. Now, I am ashamed that it wasn't until very, very recently that I became aware that you were even here--but, even so, I had taken adequate precautions to ensure that if you, or some other curious creature were to enjoy our hospitality, that no serious consequences would arise from any objects you might interact with---which is why that lever you pulled was behind several locked doors, with various animals chained up in the passage ways leading to, and even a few sets of bars, hatches, etc along the way. Now, as soon as my friend, Urist McBringerofbadnews told me he had met you, I send him stumbling towards the panic room to disassemble our special lever--unfortunately, you arrived at it much sooner than him.
Now, the fact that that lever was connected to every cage inside of our prison was maybe a little foolish, but, it was thought to be an appropriate safe-guard against invaders in the worst-possible scenarios. Now that my beautiful home has a fire breathing monster, an acid blooded beast, several destructive trolls, and a few dwarf-hungry giants stomping about in it, it makes me wonder, why, oh why, would you do this to me?
Sincerely,
A very, very busy overseer.
Post by: Elisebambi on July 18, 2011, 04:27:44 pm
I am writing to inform you that while I was not thrilled when you, a previously unskilled laborer, told me that of all of our starting seven, you were the most willing, and qualified to fill the roll of our chief medical expert... I have nothing but praise for your work to give.
When Urist McBadatmining caused a cave in whilst channeling under a ramp, and broke his left leg, bruised his liver, cheek, hip, and hand, I thought he would just die eventually... but you dedicated every moment of your time to feeding, and bringing water to him while the rest of the fortress scrambled to produce the many items required to get Urist back on his feet. Your incessant nagging about the need for thread fell on deaf ears for a long time... truth be told I thought we had no means to produce the thread you wanted--after a rogue monkey stole our only pig tail seeds... well, I guess I figured Urist was sol. But you went out and foraged until you found a plant that you could turn into a suitable thread--you had a dirt room, with a table, and a bed. We had a murky pool which you were forced to use to clean Urist's cut---the well and filtering system nowhere near completed.
You, untrained, discovered how to properly suture a wound,--you managed to avoid infection, and keep urist from dying. That in itself was an amazing accomplishment, but you went above and beyond, you produced every thread of the cloth you used to dress Urist's wounds. You cut down every tree which was used to make the splint, and crutches he needed. You brought Urist food, and drink while you were hungry, and thirsty--putting him ahead of yourself each step of the way.
I was amazed to an unfathomable extent when I entered the hospital this morning to discover Urist wasn't in bed--but walking, walking to go straight back to his duties. After almost three entire seasons confined to a dirty little room--he was ready, and able to continue working.
Urist McChiefofmedicine. You have my gratitude, and everlasting admiration for your work.
-Your loving overseer.
P.s. If any other dwarf in our fortress worked as well as you, the corridors wouldn't be filled with miasma, the food-stockpile would be in barrels instead of laying on the ground, the yak skull that has been preventing me from building a staircase would have been moved months ago, we would have rooms for every dwarf, and you would have had everything you needed within days of requesting it. But alas, you are surrounded by morons who will hurt themselves regularly. At least you will be able to practice your skills often.
P.p.s. if you feel the need to do any experimentation on our dwarves, feel free, I will turn a blind eye to it.
p.p.p.s. Urist McBadatmining just fell again, he is being carried to the hospital.
Post by: Niccolo on July 18, 2011, 07:20:30 pm
WoT snip
That, right there, is one badass doctor. "What? We have no splints? Not a single length of wood in the whole fortress? Then I shall cut down the trees myself!" There's above and beyond your duty and then there's that guy.
Seriously, his compassion attribute must be through the roof.
Post by: UltraValican on July 18, 2011, 07:24:56 pm
I'm glad to see your HAPPY about almost being crush by a block dirt, but I hate to inform you that getting covered in dust dos NOT constitute a bath.
-With Love,
Your somewhat shocked ruler.
Post by: Elisebambi on July 18, 2011, 08:10:00 pm
WoT snip
That, right there, is one badass doctor. "What? We have no splints? Not a single length of wood in the whole fortress? Then I shall cut down the trees myself!" There's above and beyond your duty and then there's that guy.
Seriously, his compassion attribute must be through the roof.
I no rite?
I mean, he /was/ the herbalist/woodcutter before becoming the doctor, but, yeah. No, he seriously is the best doctor I've ever had.
Edit:
Related, but, the hospital was soon there-after expanded, stocked liberally, and prettied up.
Post by: lazygun on July 19, 2011, 08:56:15 am
When ordered to kill goblins, that does NOT mean to go chasing after a herd of giant capybaras. The fortress is not short of food, and in fact has trouble finding places to store all the meat and cooked meals generated from culling our domesticated animals. Do not ignore orders to station yourself back inside the fort. Do not leave a trail of capybara corpses all over the map. If you persist in doing so, at all cost never let that trail end with a steel gauntlet, steel battle axe and a Urist McAxedwarf's right upper arm. Oh... too late!
Lefty McAxedwarf, you have been relieved from military duty. If you start grumbling, I'll just put my fingers in my ears and go "Lalalala!". See how you like being ignored!
Your frustrated overseer.
Post by: Elisebambi on July 19, 2011, 09:37:54 am
I appreciate that it is your job to kill every living thing that isn't a dwarf, or a pet, but---do you really have to show off by killing six lions, with six bone bolts, within a few seconds of eachother, half of them with headshots, the other half with arrows through major organs?
With love,
Overseer.
Dear Urist Nazomcog (((their actual name))), the legendary engraver.
Please, please, don't engrave the same crosses and pictures of wounded dwarves that you did in the hospital in our dwarves rooms.
Thank you,
Overseer.
Post by: RAKninja on July 19, 2011, 02:19:08 pm
Dear Urist Nazomcog (((their actual name))), the legendary engraver.
Please, please, don't engrave the same crosses and pictures of wounded dwarves that you did in the hospital in our dwarves rooms.
Thank you,
Overseer.
funny story, as i have two dwarves that regularly pass being mayor back and forth. in the mayoral bedchambers are engravings of both of them being removed as mayor.
Post by: Elisebambi on July 19, 2011, 02:24:16 pm
Post by: Ratbert_CP on July 19, 2011, 04:54:05 pm
Dear Urist Nazomcog (((their actual name))), the legendary engraver.
Please, please, don't engrave the same crosses and pictures of wounded dwarves that you did in the hospital in our dwarves rooms.
Thank you,
Overseer.
They're supposed to be helpful "stitch by number" diagrams to help out future hospital workers...
Post by: Sutremaine on July 19, 2011, 05:46:59 pm
I appreciate that inspiration can strike at any time, even during a meal. However, I would appreciate it if, upon completing your life's great work, you did not celebrate by returning to the dining hall and dancing on the table before squatting down on said table to finish your meal. Sit down. That is why we have chairs.
Yours,
Your Collective Madness
Post by: zehive on July 19, 2011, 06:25:02 pm
I know that you knew I was going to savescum, but I was doing !!Science!! to see how well my military would stand against all the demons of hell. Sure, they killed 60 before the last of our militia died and more hellspawn flooded out. But why, oh Armok help me why, did you all decide to run down to the depths to gather the socks of our dead when I explicitly said 'Dont fucking go down there, man.' Instead, you decided to all run down. Rather then hook up the last lever so everyone could cross the bridge and raise it, collapse the fort like an accordion and still live off the farms. But now I'm watching you all either burn to death in the fire breath of demons, get your heads torn off, or splash around the syndrome blood of dead demons. Though amusing, its unbelievably irritating.
Sincerely,
Your lives are my plaything
Post by: RAKninja on July 19, 2011, 09:58:01 pm
Dear Urist McDorfy Dwarfs
I know that you knew I was going to savescum, but I was doing !!Science!! to see how well my military would stand against all the demons of hell. Sure, they killed 60 before the last of our militia died and more hellspawn flooded out. But why, oh Armok help me why, did you all decide to run down to the depths to gather the socks of our dead when I explicitly said 'Dont fucking go down there, man.' Instead, you decided to all run down. Rather then hook up the last lever so everyone could cross the bridge and raise it, collapse the fort like an accordion and still live off the farms. But now I'm watching you all either burn to death in the fire breath of demons, get your heads torn off, or splash around the syndrome blood of dead demons. Though amusing, its unbelievably irritating.
Sincerely,
Your lives are my plaything
dear omnipotence,
they were free socks! urist mcslainby&'s was not going to be needing them where he is! you would let such fine socks go to waste? can you not empathise with what effect a well made sock has on the dwarven soul?
sincerely,
urist mcheylookit'sasock!
Post by: Baron Baconeer on July 20, 2011, 08:33:07 am
WoT snip
That, right there, is one badass doctor. "What? We have no splints? Not a single length of wood in the whole fortress? Then I shall cut down the trees myself!" There's above and beyond your duty and then there's that guy.
Seriously, his compassion attribute must be through the roof.
I no rite?
I mean, he /was/ the herbalist/woodcutter before becoming the doctor, but, yeah. No, he seriously is the best doctor I've ever had.
Edit:
Related, but, the hospital was soon there-after expanded, stocked liberally, and prettied up.
I've also had a great chief medical, who at first was a legendary herbalist and kept my fort alive for seven years while I was figuring out farming. He has decapicated a forgotten beast with a single swing of an axe, after which he personally carried dwarf wounded by the beast to the hospital and fixed him. And he is also a legendary cook.
I suppose we should appoint a commitee to hand out prizes to the most heroic medical dwarves.
Post by: RAKninja on July 20, 2011, 09:07:40 pm
I suppose we should appoint a commitee to hand out prizes to the most heroic medical dwarves.
my first medic for my current fortress gets the razzie equivalent to that award. he let the best soldier in the fort die of thirst. while he was less than ten tiles away..... enjoying a drink.
dear urist mcking and urist mcduchess,
please get married and have children. neither of you are getting any younger.
toodles,
your stallin
Post by: Excedion on July 20, 2011, 09:43:38 pm
I know youre fascinated by your new found ability to walk, but i would not advise taking strolls outside to gather some socks when there are still many socks with live enemies filling them. It would be best in future if you stay inside and play with the mountains of toys we have in our stockpiles.
Your omnipotent ruler
P.S. I've locked your door in case you have the sudden urge to go exploring for socks again, though i doubt you'll be going anywhere soon with two broken legs and arms.
Post by: imperium3 on July 21, 2011, 07:20:03 am
Why aren't you breeding? We've got you nice and tamed, the kittens and puppies are popping out left, right and centre, but you're just sitting there. I need my scorpion swarms dammit!
Sincerely,
Management of Akrulatol
PS I'm told you only live for 25 years or so, so you might want to hurry up a bit...
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 21, 2011, 07:24:56 am
Dear Urist McToddler,
I know youre fascinated by your new found ability to walk, but i would not advise taking strolls outside to gather some socks when there are still many socks with live enemies filling them. It would be best in future if you stay inside and play with the mountains of toys we have in our stockpiles.
Your omnipotent ruler
P.S. I've locked your door in case you have the sudden urge to go exploring for socks again, though i doubt you'll be going anywhere soon with two broken legs and arms.
Deer Mista Ominpootant Rooler.
A child doz as it pleazes!
Sined:
UriSt McChilD.
(Spelling mistakes are intentional, for anyone that doesn't get the joke)
Post by: Reudh on July 21, 2011, 10:00:50 am
I know many years ago you were briefly made militia commander despite your friend Iteb being better qualified.
I know I removed you from that position and replaced you with him.
I know I gave you Chief Medic in compensation because you were the only one with higher than Adequate Diagnostician in the fort.
SO STOP ENGRAVING PICTURES OF YOURSELF CRYING BECAUSE OF A POSITION YOU HELD FOR THREE SECONDS. CHEER UP, GUY.
Sincerely, Reudh, overseer of Murakgoden and Minor Avatar of Armok.
Post by: Niccolo on July 21, 2011, 10:32:39 am
What the hell? Seriously, what the hell?
Firstly; when I told you to deconstruct the sole plank of wood that held up the dirt plug for aquifer breaching, why did you decide to cut through it while standing on the plug?
Secondly, how on God's green earth did you survive the colony drop without a single goddamn scratch? I figured you were dead and done for after that little stunt of yours!
Sincerely,
a bewildered overseer.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 21, 2011, 10:46:54 am
Dear Urist McInvincible;
What the hell? Seriously, what the hell?
Firstly; when I told you to deconstruct the sole plank of wood that held up the dirt plug for aquifer breaching, why did you decide to cut through it while standing on the plug?
Secondly, how on God's green earth did you survive the colony drop without a single goddamn scratch? I figured you were dead and done for after that little stunt of yours!
Sincerely,
a bewildered overseer.
To my bewildered overseer, re: my survival.
A good stiff drink before digging.
Sincerely;
Urist McAwesome.
Post by: moki on July 21, 2011, 10:55:54 am
I very much appreciate you doing some other work while there are no medical emergencies, but would you please get out of the moat now? I know it thawed when you were just hauling something through it (though there was a perfectly good bridge nearby), but since you aren't drowning in 3/7 water, could you just move your lazy behind up those ramps before the water freezes again?
Sincerely
Your slightly annoyed overseer
PS: Oh well, never mind... I knew you weren't the sharpest knife in the drawer, even for dwarven standards, but dying of thirst while standing knee-deep in water? Seriously?! I guess, Urist McButchersApprentice has to do your job now...
Post by: malimbar04 on July 21, 2011, 12:37:42 pm
I know you like kids... but come on, do you really need 11? Your family alone is causing our food shortages, and if we all die I blame it on you.
- Overseer.
Post by: Elisebambi on July 21, 2011, 02:23:22 pm
I suppose we should appoint a commitee to hand out prizes to the most heroic medical dwarves.
An HMd? :O
PS: Oh well, never mind... I knew you weren't the sharpest knife in the drawer, even for dwarven standards, but dying of thirst while standing knee-deep in water? Seriously?! I guess, Urist McButchersApprentice has to do your job now...
My doctor was also a butcher.
Post by: Kay12 on July 21, 2011, 02:46:40 pm
I know our Fortress is still in its early phase of development and unable to provide the comforts of the Mountainhomes. But we can never prosper without hard work. And your hard work is what yields us alcohol, and our imported supplies are running out fast, so I'd really appreciate it if you, instead of taking breaks, would actually make some booze. We wouldn't want your comrades to have to drink from the extremely poorly planned water reservoir.
Yours
Kʌy the Overseer
Ps. And this time, don't resume slacking off after brewing and consuming your own portion. You don't want to seem like a selfish git, do you?
Post by: Tiruin on July 21, 2011, 04:42:19 pm
Dear Urist McBrewer
I know our Fortress is still in its early phase of development and unable to provide the comforts of the Mountainhomes. But we can never prosper without hard work. And your hard work is what yields us alcohol, and our imported supplies are running out fast, so I'd really appreciate it if you, instead of taking breaks, would actually make some booze. We wouldn't want your comrades to have to drink from the extremely poorly planned water reservoir.
Yours
Kʌy the Overseer
Ps. And this time, don't resume slacking off after brewing and consuming your own portion. You don't want to seem like a selfish git, do you?
Dear Overseer,
You do know that brewing something with only adequate equipment takes a long time even though it may seem like an easy job to others.
Breaks keep us up and running, you do not want to taste a hastily brewed batch of drinks, trust me on that.
Yours truly,
Mc Brewer.
(P.S. To all those who are suffering from brewing problems, try giving other dwarves that labor, under farming. The brewing skill only affects the speed in which its brewed, not how many drinks. That is up to the Grower (if you brew home-grown plants) since 1 brew-able plant = 5 drink.)
Post by: Baron Baconeer on July 22, 2011, 09:43:57 am
(P.S. To all those who are suffering from brewing problems, try giving other dwarves that labor, under farming. The brewing skill only affects the speed in which its brewed, not how many drinks. That is up to the Grower (if you brew home-grown plants) since 1 brew-able plant = 5 drink.)
But doesn't it affect the 'secret' quality of the drink?
Post by: UristMcHuman on July 22, 2011, 01:34:48 pm
Just because that damn troglodyte gets in your way doesn't mean that you should cancel your job and run away. You have a pick in your hand, if you use it to hack at the stone in the caverns, why don't you use it to hack at that troglodyte?
Your camp leader,
Urist McHuman.
Post by: Johuotar on July 22, 2011, 04:17:33 pm
You do not, I repeat YOU DO NOT waste the only bar of iron in the whole fortress, probably in the entire world cause that stuff is so rare these days, to make artifact animal trap. We are being sieged by our enemies and our soldiers are armed with copper and bronze weapons and you dare to steal from our most important military assets.
In these troubled times I cannot afford to have a single dwarf be prisoned or otherwise waste dwarfpower, instead I'm having you drafted to the militia where you can hopefully contribute more than that bar of iron you wasted. Report to militia captain Edzul Zuntikrakul of Volcanos of principles before 10th of Timber in his office near the dining hall and my office.
Mayor Bim Sibrekvunom-.
Post by: Tiruin on July 22, 2011, 05:41:20 pm
(P.S. To all those who are suffering from brewing problems, try giving other dwarves that labor, under farming. The brewing skill only affects the speed in which its brewed, not how many drinks. That is up to the Grower (if you brew home-grown plants) since 1 brew-able plant = 5 drink.)
But doesn't it affect the 'secret' quality of the drink?
I think it does but its better than having no drinks at all. The best drink I saw one of my dwarves have gave him "had a truly decadent drink lately."
And don't drinks have a fixed value in addition to the secret quality?
~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Urist McMelancholy
You are sad, I did nothing to help you get your materials for your unique artifact.
That I apologize for, you have my deepest apologies. I know that I cannot make up for it in any way but to make a statue out of you.
My only problem is that I think you need more drink, by that I mean some nice Cave Rum. You love those right?
I stated that because you also need to think about other dwarves in the fort, you were too thirsty and decided to drink water from the well. Not only that but you decided you wanted more and rode the bucket into the well.
Now our only water supply is full of your remembrance.
I guess karma is happening all over again.
Sincerely yours,
The Mourning Overseer
Post by: Theifofdreams on July 22, 2011, 06:57:26 pm
I understand that you just can't get enough of those tasty plump helmets, but there's a reason that they're not to be cooked. We have plenty of cooked meals in the stockpiles, but if you feel the need for booze (Arnok help you if you don't) then do -not- consume the item needed to brew said booze.
Sincerely, the guy one step away from blowing the still and booze stockpiles up to see how well you like it.
Post by: Ultimuh on July 22, 2011, 07:05:01 pm
While I do like multiple ages, I tend to get much bored of several races becoming extinct.
Especially if I depend on one of those races to actually be able to embark with.
Also.. Why can you not start gen a world on medium or larger, without it taking at least 30 minutes generating it?
-A Frustrated Fortress Builder.
Post by: UristMcHuman on July 22, 2011, 08:06:30 pm
Why am I not able to controll kobolds? I wish to controll kobolds and place them in the caverns. Are there no kobold civs that you bother to create? Or do you always like to kill off the kobolds during world generation just for the hell of it?
Sincerely,
A guy who wishes to controll kobolds.
Post by: RAKninja on July 22, 2011, 08:38:47 pm
Dear Urist Mchungrydwarfamen bruthah. testify.
I understand that you just can't get enough of those tasty plump helmets, but there's a reason that they're not to be cooked. We have plenty of cooked meals in the stockpiles, but if you feel the need for booze (Arnok help you if you don't) then do -not- consume the item needed to brew said booze.
Sincerely, the guy one step away from blowing the still and booze stockpiles up to see how well you like it.
Post by: Greiger on July 22, 2011, 10:39:06 pm
Next law giver that gets appointed really should put on some armor before leading their armies into my front gate. Those traps are really only designed to slow you guys down, maybe make one or two of you dodge off of the reasonably wide bridge, but not really stop you. Your law giver not only died to the first trap she encountered, but to the first attack of the first serrated disc in the first trap she encountered and was the first casualty of the battle because you didn't arm her with a helmet to deflect my green glass discs.
Now I know you should mourn the death of your leader. But you then all gathered up near your law giver's corpse and just stood there for quite some time...on top of the disk traps...on a bridge....while my archers and ballista are shooting at you. You actually had a very good chance of breaching my defenses so soon after my military had that run in with that one glass forgotten beast.
I have never seen so many of you die in one spot before. Those that weren't the lucky ones that dodged a disc off the edge of the bridge and fell into a 5 z-level pit chock full of green glass menacing spikes packed 5 to a tile(because I have nothing better to do with all this sand) dying instantly, either got pasted when the ballista arrows plowed through your tightly packed squads like goblin bowling, or slowly bled out from the pincushioning of thousands of copper and bone bolts sticking into your green flesh.
You guys must have taken 90% losses before you finally decided it was a good idea to GTFO.
If you must commit mass ritualistic suicide, please just climb to the top of my 40z high cliff and jump into the lake, it's out of the way, I don't have to replace a thousand bolts, and your corpses won't rot inside my front gate where they miasma up the place because there are too many to dump quickly enough.
Sincerely,
The administration of the Fortress Mountainjoin.
Post by: UltraValican on July 23, 2011, 12:15:58 pm
If you decide to come to my fortress for our masterwork wooden balls, please send an rsvp alerting of your arival. Also, when you visit my fortress, please be considerete of the residents, our broker Urist McDanglars was enjoying a lovely stroll when you attacked him. Needless to say that you failed miserable in your attempt at rough housing. Urist McDanglars had to write the miltia captain a lengthy apology letter for interupting his harem selection appointment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear, MarksDwarves
I'm glad to see your very flexible with your equipment and even though I told you to use leather armor, bones offer decent protection for a ranged combatent and I am estactic to see you engaging in RANGED cobat, keep up the good work !
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Elven Pansies,
All you base are belong to us, please send in more female combatants for our future elven mudwrestling pit
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Goblins,
I have 300,000 created wealth.....you can send the sieges now.
Post by: Korva on July 23, 2011, 04:41:57 pm
I don't know why you suddenly started spamming hundreds of cancellation messages about seeking an inaccessible infant, but STOP IT! It's driving me crazy and I swear it is the cause of this lag I'm having too. Here's a friendly reminder: your baby is DEAD! You decided to hang out by the front gate while you weren't on duty, probably reminiscing about that last ambush you helped stomp into the ground, and when that goblin master thief popped up right beside you, well, your baby shield went the way of all baby shields. At least you skewered the gobbo in revenge.
I'm sorry about your loss, but I don't make special allowances for military moms. You don't even seem to care much since you're still ecstatic with the joy of slaughter and everything. So why are you suddenly bombarding me with all this nonsense? The poor girl is dead and buried honorably. Snap out of it.
Edit: Ah, so removing the burrow restriction fixed it. She ran to the gate again, then returned to work. Odd.
Post by: RenoFox on July 23, 2011, 08:19:38 pm
The militia commander is spesifically named DodgeTeacher for a reason. For a related reason, Urist McRecruit is NOT named BiteTeacher, despite his willingness to lead demonstrations. Not only is biting pretty weak move on the battlefield, he is dabbling at it, implying that any of you would learn more by snapping your teeth individually.
Urist McReasonable has been paying attention, has been promoted to captain and given his own squad. When the goblins arrive we'll see who knew how to spend their training time properly.
PS. When Urist McStudent threw a tantrum, the sheriff ate his nose. Think about that when UristMcRecruit claims to be a teacher.
Post by: ExdeathV on July 23, 2011, 09:18:51 pm
About the goblin siege the same time we breached the caverns, all I have to say is this. Shut the hell up, I got this.
Sincerely, The Invisible Force that tells you what to do
Post by: TheeBaconman on July 23, 2011, 11:34:20 pm
I know I realized that assigning draftees to be wrestlers was kinda a bad idea, when I don't think I even have a novice wrestler (You cannot say, however, that it would have turned out better if they had a weapon too). But when there is a siege, and I assign everyone to station at the entrance to our fort. Those Ogresses toppled a few statues and killed a few wrestler guys and a dualshielder. If you were there maybe you could have actually, well you know, done something and at least delayed that so I would blame the doctors. For once in my career, I care about all my
Signed with ri ps and te ars in writing this, frickin' ARMOK
Dear Talented/Skilled military dwarves
I know that most of the military doesn't have much edge or stab ability and can't kill so quickly. But when the 10 others are stuck on the first two goblins, or behind their co-workers, don't be so badass that you singlehandedly charge into the other 5 guys behind them. I applaud your skill and daring ability. But even you can be taken down. Try not to be so awesome, the recruits need training and without you we might not live to that stage.
Signed, with love, ARMOK
Dear Urist McMiner
You sir weren't even the new military miner I assigned, and has done a little better though not so much as the others. And yet you scared off an ambush by yourself. You were caught by that hammerman, but you hit his foot and then took off its right arm in one stroke each. Him and his friends fleeing in terror!! I should assign a couple more miners to be in the military, but you have been upgraded from your
Post by: zehive on July 24, 2011, 06:48:39 am
Dear Urist McBereavedMom
I don't know why you suddenly started spamming hundreds of cancellation messages about seeking an inaccessible infant, but STOP IT! It's driving me crazy and I swear it is the cause of this lag I'm having too. Here's a friendly reminder: your baby is DEAD! You decided to hang out by the front gate while you weren't on duty, probably reminiscing about that last ambush you helped stomp into the ground, and when that goblin master thief popped up right beside you, well, your baby shield went the way of all baby shields. At least you skewered the gobbo in revenge.
I'm sorry about your loss, but I don't make special allowances for military moms. You don't even seem to care much since you're still ecstatic with the joy of slaughter and everything. So why are you suddenly bombarding me with all this nonsense? The poor girl is dead and buried honorably. Snap out of it.
Edit: Ah, so removing the burrow restriction fixed it. She ran to the gate again, then returned to work. Odd.
its possible the infant was taken by the gobbo, she killed it and then went to get her baby
Post by: zehive on July 24, 2011, 03:18:22 pm
I understand you have a passion for your job, but this is not the first, not the second, not the fourth, but the FIFTH cave in that I wanted to happen, that you stood right ontop of.
And each and every time you walked out completely unscathed, a bit unhappy because you were knocked unconscious, and beyond walking out you swum out.
of the aquifer. Maybe this is good sport to you, but its driving me mad.
Sincerely,
Concerned
Edit:
Dear Urist McWrestlers
Why did both of you decide to jump into the pond to kill the drowning goblin thief while our very busy aforementioned miner was off getting a drink? He tried to come and dig you out, but you were dead before he could get to you. Now I have to fill two more coffins.
Sincerely,
Irritated
Post by: ElthMysterius on July 25, 2011, 12:14:04 am
So... you might've noticed that you've all been evicted en masse. Every single one of you is going to have to fend for themselves in the wilderness.
As to why this is happening... like hell I'm gonna rememorize everything about this fortress that I forgot about since last time I played, months ago.
So... have fun wandering aimlessly!
Sincerely,
That guy
Post by: Johuotar on July 25, 2011, 10:21:39 am
Beds can't be made from platinum so we cant make you one. Please stop throwing things at us.
-You fellow dwarves
Post by: Reudh on July 26, 2011, 06:57:18 am
When I mark out an area for digging, please do so immediately. Failure may result in evisceration by the clowns in our fort.
Also, to Urist McMason,
If you have no job and I order you to build walls around a doomed spot, DO IT. the lives of 135 dwarves is in your hands.
Sincerely, Reudh. Disgruntled overseer of the (now ruined) fort of Boldropes.
Post by: Urist_McArathos on July 26, 2011, 10:01:16 am
I'm glad to see you made it out of the hospital. I know I should apologize; this whole mess is my fault, really. When I saw the titan coming, I felt there was no immediate danger: we had (so I thought) only one way into the fortress, and I quickly stationed your squad of 10 steel clad dwarves at that entrance, right beside the two guard bears we keep chained there to stop thieves. They're not just any bears, either: they're war grizzly bears, so I figured between the twelve of you it would be a relatively easy match.
See, I'd forgotten that the skylights in your training rooms upstairs (to prevent cave adaptation; wouldn't want you all puking and falling over during a siege, now would we?) weren't finished yet. This particular Titan was a massive bird with a trunk and a regal bearing, and it decided to fly in a most kingly fashion towards this hole in the ceiling. Fortunately (I thought), he only hovered there rather than bolting into the fortress proper for a slaughter, giving me time to send you all scurrying up the hillside to attack him. I was worried that the first one of you there would charge in and be left alone until the others could get there; I was correct in that fear, but far worse than I thought. You attacked, bravely, and hacked his trunk clean off! Good for you, Urist. I was grinning; maybe he'd be dead before the rest of the squad could arrive; you WERE hacking his wings vigorously, as though determined to make sure he wouldn't fly away. Then, he knocked you off your ledge, through the hole, and into the training room below. He then flew down to fight you, isolated from your squad.
Here's my apology: I didn't think about how long it takes to get from the fortress entrance to the barracks. The double-helix ramp network, while pretty, was separated from the central stairway mostly for aesthetic reasons. Since really only you and the miners use it (and neither of you go out much), I never gave it a second thought. Now, you were trapped alone in a room with a Titan while your ENTIRE SQUAD had to go running numerous levels down the ramps, then back up the stairwell just to relieve you. Terribly sorry about that; I'll make sure to connect them promptly to prevent future mishaps (a bridge will be used to cut off use of the stairs as needed).
You fought well for a long time without sustaining a scratch, all the while hacking and brutalizing the clearly-outmatched Titan. I was impressed since you had NO military skills when I drafted you, and had only been sparring for about six months. Damned impressive, but after the bird grabbed you by the head and nearly tore your scalp clean off (your steel helm probably the only thing that kept your head from being crushed like a grape), you promptly decided "Fuck this, I'm done fighting for the day", and stormed off to the hospital to rest. I won't argue that choice; who could blame you after single-handedly holding off a Titan for the better part of 5 minutes my time (and with the game moving at 145 FPS, that was indeed a long time). To add insult to injury, your squad leader came dashing up the stairs shortly after you left and finished the heavily wounded Titan off, claiming the kill. Sorry about that as well; no doubt he's been bragging endlessly about it in the legendary dining hall.
Don't worry; I know what really happened, and a tomb is being commissioned for you at this moment which will include a solid silver coffin, and a slab naming the Titan will be placed there (to make sure all those who visit your tomb know the truth). As for what comforts I can manage while you're alive, you are being promoted to Militia Commander. Please be patient while I build you a new office; I'm having some reinforced chairs built that will handle the size of your massive balls.
Yours,
Urist McArathos, Fortress Overseer.
Dear Urist McLegendaryArmorer,
Damn fine work on that steel armor, Urist. Damn fine. Please report to the Fortress Overseer's office to discuss your reward.
Yours,
Urist McArathos, Fortress Overseer.
Post by: Stuebi on July 26, 2011, 12:31:50 pm
What the F is wrong with you? Seriously. I send you and your Companions out to deal with that Goblin Ambush. Like all your mates you are equiped with an Excellent Armor of Steel, Black Steel Weapons and Black Steel Shields. Yes i didnt expect a second Ambush to pop out, but i also thought these 5 additional Goblins wouldnt be too much of a Problem since most of you and your Mates are atleast Proficient at Combat Skills.
Urist McHammerdwarf, one of your mates, took down half the Ambush by HIMSELF. Your other Mates also brought down the Thunder on these puny Greenskins. Seriously a Battle fo this Epicness would deserve to be engraven on the Walls of our Dining Hall. But it wont, because of you! First you decided to show up for the Fighting too late, about half of the Attackers were allready cut to peices when you arrived. Then you charged a Goblin Bowman, which should have died in a matter of seconds considering you have a LEGENDARY Spear out of Black Steel. Instead he shot a bolt that barely scratched your Foot, whereafter you decided to leave the Battlefield and your Companions while running off to the Hospital.
There you spend 3 ENTIRE Seasons lying around being unproductive. The Doctors treated you in a matter of Minutes after your arrival but still you kept lying there like a fat stranded Carp. But that wasnt enough for you, was it? When a Goblin Siege hit us, you were in the Group that had the important Task of holding the Bridge while our Marksdwarves would slowly but steadily fill the Attackers with Bolts. And yet again you showed what a damn pansie you are, by running of to the Hospital after getting PUNCHED by one of the attacking Orcs. The Siege was dealt with fast by your Mates who showed how Fighting is done properly.
And still your lying in the Hospital Bed, because of a Punch, for almost a YEAR. I swear to armok if you dont get up in the next Season i will order the Miners to dig down to the Magma Seas and walling you in there with your damn Cat and watch you both get cooked.
Your very pissed Overlord
Dear Urist Mc Former Marksdwarf
After realising that you got a pretty decent Spearskill you were assigned to the Close Combat Squad which is one man short. No i have no idea what happened to Urist Mc Recruit, but im pretty sure he isnt burning alive in a Sea of Magma right now so dont worry about that.
Sincerely your Overlord
Post by: billybobfred on July 26, 2011, 12:55:52 pm
Re: Mining procedure
We're looking for magma. In the not-unlikely event that we pierce the caverns on the way down, we dig around the hole so we have room to stand when we seal it.
We do NOT choose this moment to break for lunch! That's just annoying.
Post by: professorhelios on July 26, 2011, 01:56:41 pm
I have seen fit to grant you near eternal life, large litters, and taken away the need to eat, drink, and sleep. I still provide you with luxurious rooms so you can breed and provide me more dutiful slaves. Now stop standing around staring at the rocks, finish digging my menagerie dungeon and get to humping! Armok demands SLAVES!!!!
-- Your Supreme God-Emperor
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 26, 2011, 10:23:42 pm
Your beloved bat is, indeed, just out of your reach. Suck it up.
Dear All Others,
If you need an empty animal trap to move the other tame bats around, LEAVE A TAME BAT IN EACH LIKE I REQUESTED! IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE ONE IT LOOKS LIKE I ASKED FOR!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: itg on July 26, 2011, 11:03:25 pm
The order to return to your barracks was not a suggestion. You cannot kill 75 goblins by yourself. Reinforcements are not coming. And for Armok's sake, refill your quiver now and then.
Sincerely,
???
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 27, 2011, 07:10:04 am
Dear Urist McLeroyJenkins,
The order to return to your barracks was not a suggestion. You cannot kill 75 goblins by yourself. Reinforcements are not coming. And for Armok's sake, refill your quiver now and then.
Sincerely,
???
Dear ???
At least i have Dwarven Syrup Roast
Sincerely,
Urist McLeroyJenkins
Post by: ClkWrkJester on July 27, 2011, 12:09:12 pm
When I saw you arrive in our humble fortress and saw you were a legendary armourer, I was ecstatic. I greeted you with open arms, visions of the finest of armours bein produced as soon as the traders arrived with metal.
For as you became aware, we were without such in this strange, sandy hell.
Then, when the traders arrived with but two bars of iron, I let it slide. Your day would come... the iron was too precious to waste. Your strange mood hit I wasn't paying attention.
And you took the iron before I could stop you.
I wish I could continue this in a more literate manner, but I am afraid that my only response to your crafting a shield when our only weapons are wood is that I am going to kill you. I am even now crafting an elaborate water slide to launch you into the 300' valley we have built on. I hate you. I am putting more effort into your spectacular death than I ever have into goblin murder. I hope your soul ends somewhere fiery and horrifying you mud-sucking stuntie.
sincerely,
The Man Who Hates You
PS- Your cat is already dead.
Post by: Brackev on July 27, 2011, 01:39:09 pm
You have emptied the caverns, surface, tunnels, hidey-holes, food storage areas, and everywhere else of anything huntable. We got it. A year ago. I'm now making you a shearer. We have no sheep. Deal with it.
-The owner
Dear Urnst McBrokerMayor,
You are a broker, you deal with the trading. You should not be the mayor, you should not deal with the liason. We need both at the same time and you are only one dwarf. I want trade, not talk, from you.
-The owner
Post by: Iapetus on July 27, 2011, 02:11:06 pm
If you've been given bad mining plans that have resulted in you digging yourself into an inescapable hole, if you're becoming dehydrated, and you are then given new designations to mine your way out, don't choose that moment to go on break. Because you might die of thirst before you get out. Oh, you have? Well, it's your own stupid lazy fault.
Post by: ClkWrkJester on July 27, 2011, 02:46:35 pm
It has been two years. Every caravan visit, you eat, sleep, drink, take a break, in a rotation until they leave. I know I can replace you, and I have, with someone far more capable. I am not, however, given to forgiveness and therefore you are also cued up for the waterslide of penance. I would kill your cat as well, but you have no pets.
Your friend,
Mgmt
Post by: Mount on July 28, 2011, 05:03:32 am
Your kiln is built next to a wall of fire clay. There are lumps of fire clay literally AT YOUR FEET. If you persist in trekking 700 squares away to pick up Kaolinite and make porcelain instead of the stoneware I WANT, I will put YOU in the kiln and set it to "EXTREME PREJUDICE."
No love,
GOD.
(Update: Alternately, you can be eaten by a giant badger sow, because you FAILED TO MAKE STONEWARE BRICKS FOR THE WALLS. Your replacement has things in hand. As you managed to die 700 tiles away from anything but forbidden piles of Kaolinite, your ghost will NOT be laid to rest, and you can spend the rest of eternity contemplating how badly you have failed.)
Post by: Niccolo on July 28, 2011, 05:44:36 am
Hurry the feck up! There be goblins on their way!
Sincerely, OhShitIForgotTheMilitia
Post by: Videonfan on July 28, 2011, 08:16:15 am
So you start building a kitchen which is outmost important for your hungering comrades...AND YOU DECIDE TO STOP IT BECAUSE OF A CAT?!?!?!?!?WTF!
Sincerely,Gotta butcher the cats
Post by: karloss99 on July 28, 2011, 10:07:35 am
I know, I know...
After arriving at our glorious fortress You wanted to prove yourself.
...
Was going after a Giant cave spider the only way to do it? :o I would not be so unhappy had you only managed to kill yourself BUT.
One (1) of my military and my Chief Medical Dwarf (Oh Noes!) got killed by that very spider.
It even got a name - Sheriklisid - for about a day, before the rest of my military got there...
Busy designating tombs.
The Overseer.
Post by: Rowanas on July 28, 2011, 10:20:56 am
No. Not now. Not ever.
Yours sincerely,
Rowan
Post by: Fahgo on July 28, 2011, 01:30:33 pm
Well... I will say you definitely deserve that sock. You walked outside to claim some clothes to put in your new room, only to stumble upon a Gobbo ambush (luckily all melee). After having you hand bruised by the leaders iron maul you decided to run, not to safety on the other side of the traps, but halfway across the map. Despite the fact you had to run through the whole gob squad to do so. Normally this would cause me to roll my eyes at yet another stupid suicide but you surprised me. You outran all of them. So great was your turn of speed that you completely destroyed their morale. They left! Well... except one that tried chasing one of the kids and landed up caged. But the rest just upped and left! Gave up chasing you then gave up all together. They couldn't even be bothered to try to chase you as you nonchalantly strolled back to that sock.
So… enjoy the sock. You earned it.
Yours mildly surprised
The voices in your head (that you only occasionally listen to).
Post by: Nighthawk on July 28, 2011, 02:12:24 pm
You think I care that the place where I want you to build a wall has 2/7 water in it? The water is POURING INTO OUR FORTRESS. That's why I want you to build a WALL. So it... you know... doesn't flood? If you can't handle ankle-high water, how do you think you'll stand up to the inevitable horde of treehugging scum that we sold wooden crafts to three seasons ago?
Sincerely,
Armok's little helper #2401
Post by: rumpy46 on July 28, 2011, 04:17:27 pm
Please, there are plenty of perfectly good copper weapons and armour for you, so use them. I understand that wooden weapons are less dangerous should you drop them, but that deer it took you two years to kill certainly didn't appreciate it.
Post by: Hitty40 on July 28, 2011, 04:46:54 pm
Please stop being on break and go help the wounded to the hospital.
-G
Post by: HunterBlackLuna on July 30, 2011, 01:21:21 am
Many of the recruits and soldiers have been grumbling of late, as you know. In order to improve morale, I have approved orders to allow troops, even when under training schedules, to sleep at will in their smoothed quarters instead of the dirt barracks. Unfortunately, this seems to be having a harsh impact on the skill level of your forces; many months of training has yielded mediocre results, at best, and some of the troops still grumble about 'long duty' when only half the squad is required to attend at any given time! Please inform your troops that they have two options: shut up about training and living in the barracks like every other soldier in our civilization, or go into battle against the Goblins and lose two-thirds of our host, despite good equipment and tactics, through sheer incompetence.
On second thought,, never mind that last. I have a feeling I already know what the general answer to such a question must be. Perhaps this is truly Armok's way of culling the foolish from your ranks.
P.S. Tell them I'm sure the Goblin hordes are terribly sorry that the schedule of their attacks upon this fort are inconvenient, uncomfortable, and force the troops to serve long hours in order to, say, defend helpless civilians and children against predation and thievery. I mean, it's only their job as the military.
Post by: AiresPenlaw on July 30, 2011, 07:52:25 am
Re: Target Priority
First, let me praise you brave sons and daughters of Bronzegrasped. Your tenacity and enthusiasm for your duties are unbounded. However, if given a choice between a wolf (that is leaving) and a Minotaur, there should be a preference of which target you should empty all of your high-quality bronze bolts into.
Here's a clue. It's big, has a bulls head, and has just killed a legendary weaponsmith.
I leave the rest to your good sense.
Yours,
Your Glorious Leader.
Post by: ClkWrkJester on July 30, 2011, 12:11:38 pm
When we arrived here we were aware there was a roc nesting above the fort, but so much iron so accessible... it was worth the risk. Two years were spent preparing to slay the beast. Training, making armour, watching it tear elvish caravans apart.
Its not that I don't mind that when you arrived on the map and got its attention, you shot it in the head while it was flying. Its not that I minded that it hit the ground so hard parts popped off. Its just... could you have not shown up earlier and saved me all this effort?
On the upside, the first goblin siege is so freaking dead.
Sincerely,
Your overlord.
(Best part, the roc hit so hard its freaking beak popped right off.)
Post by: Greiger on July 30, 2011, 07:00:48 pm
Those cage traps are not for you. They are for the local basilisks so I can catch and tame some war basilisks. Wouldn't everybody want a small army of big 6 legged lizards with scales as hard as copper a paralyzing bite and an endless supply of those scales for leather armor?
There are already 3 of you glorified cows in the fortress zoo. I don't need 10 more. So far I have been merciful, simply releasing you back into the wilds. Partially because throwing so many of you into the arena is impractical. But if you keep this up I'm going to start taming all of you so that my butchers can make you useful.
You don't want to be useful.
Sincerely,
The administration of- oh hell, are you giving BIRTH in the cages now? Oh FFS.
Post by: Hitty40 on July 30, 2011, 07:05:19 pm
To: The Yaks
Those cage traps are not for you. They are for the local basilisks so I can catch and tame some war basilisks. Wouldn't everybody want a small army of big 6 legged lizards with scales as hard as copper a paralyzing bite and an endless supply of those scales for leather armor?
There are already 3 of you glorified cows in the fortress zoo. I don't need 10 more. So far I have been merciful, simply releasing you back into the wilds. Partially because throwing so many of you into the arena is impractical. But if you keep this up I'm going to start taming all of you so that my butchers can make you useful.
You don't want to be useful.
Sincerely,
The administration of- oh hell, are you giving BIRTH in the cages now? Oh FFS.
Dear Greiger,
Please butcher the yaks. They are useless as fuck.
-The Administration of Urist
Post by: Aptus on July 31, 2011, 03:51:49 am
I know I gave you a hard task when I told you to wall off our water source to keep the goblins away, not only hard but also incredibly important and time sensitive, but this is the third time you do this. Next time you wall yourself in so you can't get out I will leave you there, and I will also murder your pet duckling.
Sincerely yours,
Fortress Overlord.
Post by: Fahgo on July 31, 2011, 08:01:42 am
Rather than use the technique of lesser forts and use the thing known as "The Danger Room" (for once) I thought we would use training weapons and
Now considering you are all encased in high quality armour... HOW IN ARMOKS NAME DO YOU KEEP GETTING KILLED BY BEING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD. seriously... one killed by a badger man and another to a goblin archer. are you seriously telling me their fists are stronger than steel?
Annoyed
Overseer sod-it-I'm-resorting-to-the-DR-again. >:(
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on August 04, 2011, 04:07:50 am
Post by: Kay12 on August 04, 2011, 05:05:33 am
I know we lost a lot of cattle during the goblin siege. However, if you would only put your silly tradition aside - the dead critters are still edible, even if not butchered in Dwarf-Kosher fashion. Armok will not smite you for devouring them.
Yours
K12
The Severe Oar
Post by: dr_random on August 04, 2011, 05:29:19 am
Dyestandards has truly become a worthy fortress. We are stacked with a full complement of high masters of metalcrafting and other smitheries. A couple of maces, spears or pieces of armour lets us buy out whole caravans.
I've ordered extensive carving and polishing of stone throughout the workshop and living quarters. Yesterday, we stroke a second cavern layer and found marble. We can now produce steelware!
Oh Armok, I went down to the magmaworks in order to inspect them. A couple of days before we stabbed a big beast to death near the wells. Once Urist McBerserk bit it in the throat it did not put up any resistance no more. No losses. I think we can make it.
But down there in the magmaworks I found something really disturbing. The smelter right next to the stairs contained loads of lye and water. What abysmal reason is behind this? Is this sabotage? Has someone tried some sticky experiment with our equipment? The scrolls of our ancients mention no lye or whatsoever anywhere near a smelter. I fear there is a pervert among us. This might end bad...
Post by: V-Norrec on August 07, 2011, 08:33:10 pm
You worthless dwarves, I put you in the squad with only shields and weapons for a reason, you were supposed to DIE. You are a waste of food but what do you do instead, you 6 kill all 9 of the roaming badgermen while taking no injuries. . . that doesn't even make sense. Tomorrow report to the caverns, you've been promoted.
Confused and angry,
V-Norrec
Post by: Kaleb702 Games on August 07, 2011, 10:05:51 pm
Make those stone things. Now.
You know what? You're dead. Say goodbye to your entire world.
From,
The REALLY angry Overseer, who decided "That's it, I'm just deleting your world."
Post by: The Master on August 08, 2011, 06:43:19 pm
You have repeatedly asked to stop running into a hoard of voidwalker(LFR mod) matrons and re-destroying your legs, we're running out of non-broken crutches. This is your final warning.
If you choose to ignore this order, the justice system will make sure you don't ignore ANYTHING again.
Kind regards,
Overseer Master
Post by: ledgekindred on August 08, 2011, 06:48:57 pm
Why?
Yrs,
Apparently Not That Omniscient Overlord
Post by: Niccolo on August 08, 2011, 07:47:57 pm
Dear Urist McWhomeverBitTheForgottenBeastInTheHeadAndKilledIt,
Why?
Yrs,
Apparently Not That Omniscient Overlord
Dear Overlord;
I got sick of kiten tallow biscuits and decided to try something else.
Sincerely.
Urist McCrazy
Post by: Theifofdreams on August 08, 2011, 09:41:00 pm
Why, oh why, do you insist on waiting to continue gathering items when the fortress doesn't have 1 item you wanted, but it's in the middle of the list so you stop?
I have a hard enough time figuring out what, exactly, you're missing when you list vague items, let alone when you refuse to clarify which item on the list we're missing.
Post by: krisslanza on August 08, 2011, 09:50:13 pm
Please, when I tell you to equip the weapons we have laying around the fortress, please do so. Wrestling a Nightwing isn't working out for you. I hoped you would think a spear or a halberd would help - this thing has been ripping you all to bits on its own. Stop using your bare hands.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on August 08, 2011, 09:55:49 pm
Re; Artifact decoration.
Stop. With. The Elves. Every second artifact that gets produced has at least one image of a goddamn elf on it. Honestly, I'm getting worried about where your allegiances lie. The damned things have only ever turned up to attack us twice in about 25 years and both times they got slaughtered. If this continues, I'm gonna rig up magma channels with floodgates to the workshops to deal with this. You are all on notice!
Post by: Niccolo on August 08, 2011, 10:14:57 pm
Dear Urist Mcfeymood...
Why, oh why, do you insist on waiting to continue gathering items when the fortress doesn't have 1 item you wanted, but it's in the middle of the list so you stop?
I have a hard enough time figuring out what, exactly, you're missing when you list vague items, let alone when you refuse to clarify which item on the list we're missing.
The order they list them in is the order they want to collect. Use [t] to figure out what they don't have.
Dear goblins:
Please go away. You've murdered all of my surface-side dwarves and nearly half of my military, which is embarrasing. Now bugger off.
Post by: RAKninja on August 09, 2011, 12:14:13 am
der ovser,Dear Urist Mcfeymood...
Why, oh why, do you insist on waiting to continue gathering items when the fortress doesn't have 1 item you wanted, but it's in the middle of the list so you stop?
I have a hard enough time figuring out what, exactly, you're missing when you list vague items, let alone when you refuse to clarify which item on the list we're missing.
The order they list them in is the order they want to collect. Use [t] to figure out what they don't have.
Dear goblins:
Please go away. You've murdered all of my surface-side dwarves and nearly half of my military, which is embarrasing. Now bugger off.
send moar dorfs
te gblns
Post by: Hitty40 on August 09, 2011, 03:42:41 am
Please quit vomiting in the booze and making it explode.
-G
Post by: Deus Machina on August 09, 2011, 04:49:13 am
I told you to train, every month. You only have to pair up to train. I turned off all your other labors.
So how is it that a half dozen greenie ambushers mowed down over a half of you?
Deciding between upgrading you to iron until we get steel done or just sending you off for wrestler training,
the overseer.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on August 09, 2011, 07:01:09 pm
You haven't had any work to do since you finished all the major construction projects and built cabinets for everyone's quarters about seven months ago. There's a forgotten beast in the caverns now and I need you to build one square of floor over the entrance before it gets loose in the fort and murders everyone. Maybe you understand now that THERE IS NOT A SINGLE DAMNED REASON FOR YOU TO BE "ON BREAK!"
Sincerely the voice that tells you to do things.
Post by: lazygun on August 10, 2011, 06:55:18 pm
There is a stockpile clearly labelled 'metal strands' right next to the strand extractor's workshop and just above the magma smelters.
The stockpile 168 levels above, next to the farms, the millstone and the weavers shop is clearly labelled 'no metal here'
So why for the sake of Armok are you carrying the output from the strand extractor, up 168 flights of stairs and dumping it in the bins up there.
Well, at least the furnace operators are getting plenty of exercise. But I would really prefer that their work progress faster.
Yours sincerely,
Your fortress overseer, banging his head on the table.
Post by: Daywalkah on August 10, 2011, 07:30:37 pm
Your mandates of various items leading to the punishment and death of a Spearmaster have gone on for far too long.
Sincerely, the almighty one who just drowned you in your own bedrooms.
Post by: Hitty40 on August 11, 2011, 04:25:08 am
You may be the only male in the fortress, but can you PLEASE stop fucking the other females?
Post by: ledgekindred on August 13, 2011, 12:31:59 pm
I asked you to pit that badger. Instead, you decided to strangle it to death. Perhaps you are frustrated in your job. Maybe you wanted to make a little extra work for yourself once the butchers were done with the corpse. Although you are ecstatic about your life, frankly I'm a little worried about you.
Nervously,
Your Omniscient Overseer
Post by: Jake on August 13, 2011, 01:02:33 pm
The bastard thing nearly had my thumb off and I lost my temper a bit. Sue me.
Lorbam
(Seriously, pitting dangerous creatures means there's a chance they'll attack the dwarf doing it. Fortunately some dwarves will choose to fight back rather than dropping it and running.)
Post by: narhiril on August 13, 2011, 02:36:49 pm
Dear Katana, Mayor:
You may be the only male in the fortress, but can you PLEASE stop fucking the other females?
You should rename him "Captain Morgan." Because everyone has a little captain in them.
Post by: ledgekindred on August 13, 2011, 06:25:46 pm
While I empathize that emotions may have been high when it went for your thumb, I still have to wonder why you had to wring it's neck for three pages of combat reports instead of say, punching it's headbone through it's brain or something similarly quick and relatively humane. Especially when it was unconscious after the first half page. Not that the SPCA might come knocking or anything, but still.
Taking Your Pillows Away,
Your Omnicient Overlord
Dear Narhiril,
That was terrible. Close to magma-levels of terrible. I'd watch those puns in the future if I were you.
Keeping an eye on you,
Fellow Omniscient Overlord
Post by: Excedion on August 13, 2011, 10:07:32 pm
I'm glad to see that you are settling in as the leader of our armies, and that you have become so skilled with your axe which our dwarves painstakingly made from candy while possessed. However, I would appreciate it if you would stop seperating every goblin thief you meet into 12 different pieces and simply go for the head like our hammerdwarves do. The amount of hauling required to clean up a siege is heavy enough without you adding your sadistic vivisection to it, and I'm sure Urist McHauler would appreciate not having to climb all the way up the tower and across a thin ledge to collect the teeth of your foes.
Yours truly,
Overseer.
Post by: RabidAnubis on August 13, 2011, 10:30:28 pm
Kill the goblins. Charge in at once.
From your angry overseer.
Post by: alesia on August 13, 2011, 10:54:54 pm
Yes, there are panda men in the moat. No, I don't know why they decided to go down there. Your bodyguards are welcome to shoot at them, but as they are not a threat there is no reason to run screaming across the map. They can't get out of the moat.
PS. They were here the last two times you came too, you imperceptive morons.
---
Dear panda men (and panda woman),
Please drown already so I can get some different wildlife.
Post by: DrKillPatient on August 13, 2011, 11:20:24 pm
I appreciate your efforts in not dying after a year of constant pounding by my hammer squad. Please continue to act as a punching bag, the rate at which my dwarves' skill is increasing is bafflingly high. If only there were an equivalent for edged weapon training...
Sincerely,
The Invisible Man in the Sky who orders you to be brutalized unremittingly for months on end
Dear Morul "Pitiful Unfortunate", Oddomzugob (Cloistergrand), Woodcutter,
I'm irritated at your efforts in being a werewolf/badgerman magnet. Please STOP acting as a punching bag for every savage creature out there. We're straddling an Untamed Wilds mountain and a Terrifying shrubland in near-freezing weather, and yet you decide to hang around outside past your woodcutting duties! You've already lost one hand and motor function on one foot. I do concede, however, that I secretly hope you'll become the Black Knight of Bronzemountains.
Sincerely,
A fellow Monty Python enthusiast
Dear Morul Idokas (Pointcaves), Wood Burner turned Miner,
Excellent work out there. As you were dutifully mining a vein of hematite on the exposed mountainside, the goblins sprung an ambush upon you and the haulers hanging around the tunnel's entrance. With no way to escape, cornered in the tunnel, I left you for dead. However, in a stunning act of Dwarven badassery, you caved in a speargoblin's head and imploded the chests of two others before fleeing out of the cave and toward the fortress entrance, running past our resident champion Lokum Craftsteels the Tepid Order, who, I imagine, gave you a high-five on the way out. Umozentuk (Rampagewithers), her trusty silver warhammer in hand, she dispatched the goblin squad well before her comrades arrived (her axedwarf companion was busy strangling an ogre, if I recall correctly).
The elven traders with whom the ambush arrived were also killed, just because I could loosely tie the ambush's presence to their caravan and I was in a particularly sadistic mood at the moment. Only two haulers were killed in the ambush, despite me being taken completely by surprise, and I feel that your quick action and precision with a pickaxe deserves an honorable mention. Without you, I'm sure more haulers would have been lost that day, especially since you managed to kill one goblin right off the bat and incapacitated two others-- already half the squad!-- by forcibly implanting a large piece of heavy mining equipment into their sternums without a moment's hesitation. I salute you, good sir.
Sincerely,
His Prestigious High-Quality Luxury Premium Exultation, Overseer KillPatient
Post by: ledgekindred on August 14, 2011, 12:08:09 am
Dunno what yer talkin about heroics an what-all. I were of a sudden a-mighty thirsty is all, anna gobbos was in my way o' the booze. They should'n'ta be gettin a'tween a thirsty miner and his booze an all if'n they know wha's good fer 'em. An just doin' wha' comes narcheral for a thirsty dwarf is all. But thank yeh nonetheless.
Morul Idokas
Post by: Hitty40 on August 14, 2011, 12:21:10 am
Dear Morul Idokas (Pointcaves), Wood Burner turned Miner,
Excellent work out there. As you were dutifully mining a vein of hematite on the exposed mountainside, the goblins sprung an ambush upon you and the haulers hanging around the tunnel's entrance. With no way to escape, cornered in the tunnel, I left you for dead. However, in a stunning act of Dwarven badassery, you caved in a speargoblin's head and imploded the chests of two others before fleeing out of the cave and toward the fortress entrance, running past our resident champion Lokum Craftsteels the Tepid Order, who, I imagine, gave you a high-five on the way out. Umozentuk (Rampagewithers), her trusty silver warhammer in hand, she dispatched the goblin squad well before her comrades arrived (her axedwarf companion was busy strangling an ogre, if I recall correctly).
The elven traders with whom the ambush arrived were also killed, just because I could loosely tie the ambush's presence to their caravan and I was in a particularly sadistic mood at the moment. Only two haulers were killed in the ambush, despite me being taken completely by surprise, and I feel that your quick action and precision with a pickaxe deserves an honorable mention. Without you, I'm sure more haulers would have been lost that day, especially since you managed to kill one goblin right off the bat and incapacitated two others-- already half the squad!-- by forcibly implanting a large piece of heavy mining equipment into their sternums without a moment's hesitation. I salute you, good sir.
Sincerely,
His Prestigious High-Quality Luxury Premium Exultation, Overseer KillPatient
That is the most badass thing ever.
Post by: ImaDwarf on August 14, 2011, 12:32:42 am
Would you please quit complain the well is dry? What are you guys? Elves in disguise? We have 1000 units of booze in the stockpile around the well, would you please just drink those?
Signed
Your Overseer who knows you guys love booze
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on August 14, 2011, 05:21:56 am
Post by: Mister Dirks on August 14, 2011, 05:37:30 am
Also, you INCREDIBLY STUPID caravan guards. DO. NOT. TRY. TO. KILL. THE. STURGEON. The current leading to the waterfall RIGHT NEXT TO THE STURGEON is pretty strong. Did i mention the end of the waterfall is 15 Z LEVELS DOWN? I just dont care that your guards are exploding like beautiful confetti at the bottom of the river, merchants. I just dont fucking care anymore.
Sincerly,
UristMcPISSEDOFF
Post by: Hungry Elephant on August 14, 2011, 07:06:36 am
I spent a lot of time setting alarms and burrows for a reason.
If I put the fort on alarm, there is a fucking good reason for it.
So please drop what are you doing and get the fuck inside.
Because that gian spider is not going to be gentle on you and no, he doesn't just want to play (especially when you already skewered him with a pair of bolts).
Also Urist McDwarf, where the hell is your damn baby? As soon I set the fort on alarm you start spamming me with a "unable to path to infant cancel seeking infant" and "cancel store item in the stockpile seeking infanti". I want also to point out that we are in the middle of a goblin siege (even if they aren't really showing off and there is just a lonely goblin crossbowmen) and I had to abort the alarm status just because you were pissing me to insanity.
So go out and get yourself killed looking for your infant (armok only knows where the little brat is) and don't nother me more. After all your skills are not so useful.
sincerely your
Military Overseer
Post by: Masta Crouton on August 14, 2011, 03:17:04 pm
When you come on your little fuckin caravan to trade with me, DO NOT demand over 2k in trader profit. I offered 200 profit, more than I usually give. And you stormed off, calling ME a child? I give you ONE more goddamn chance. You pull that shit on me again I WILL KILL YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Sincerely,
Fuck you.
Post by: peskyninja on August 14, 2011, 03:45:53 pm
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.
sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord
Post by: narhiril on August 14, 2011, 04:55:51 pm
dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.
sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord
You call them useless. I call them shock troops.
Post by: Hitty40 on August 14, 2011, 05:07:54 pm
dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.
sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord
You call them useless. I call them shock troops.
You call them shock troops. I call them FB food.
Post by: Wolock on August 14, 2011, 06:09:11 pm
I know it's an old custom that you choose a ''hero name'' by which you want to be remember in history after 5 kills, but can you choose something a little shorter and with a meaning? You know that we have to write THIS on EVERY official papers? There is not any sense in being called The Comedic Flame of Faces or The Familial Stalker of Punches. You are destroying the little sanity left in the government officials with your needlessly long and senseless name! If you really want to live up to your I can put your face in magma just for comedy or stalk your family and punch them to death! Do you want that? I can make it happen you know.
Signed
Your tantruming administrator
Post by: RAKninja on August 14, 2011, 06:13:22 pm
you call them fb food, i call them haulers, to cut down of the current decade of backlogged hauling i have in front of me.dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.
sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord
You call them useless. I call them shock troops.
You call them shock troops. I call them FB food.
on a related note:
dear hauler's union,
hurry up, i have other tasks for you.
praying for more migrants,
RAK
Post by: crekit on August 14, 2011, 10:13:14 pm
Dear Urist McGreedyfuck,
When you come on your little fuckin caravan to trade with me, DO NOT demand over 2k in trader profit. I offered 200 profit, more than I usually give. And you stormed off, calling ME a child? I give you ONE more goddamn chance. You pull that shit on me again I WILL KILL YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Sincerely,
Fuck you.
Just gota put it out there from my experiences... Traders usually want like 1.5x to 2x the worth the give you. It's based on how much your trading. (Also, Idk but I heard somewhere they bring more stuff depending on how much profit they make.) They ARE the ones who have to leave the safety (lol) of your fort. Just think about all the danger they put up with. Siege? Ambush? Sadistic players? Get your legendary stonecrafter on!
Post by: Masta Crouton on August 14, 2011, 10:19:15 pm
he came next time, and took 20 in profit. good for him. he was THIS close to death...
Post by: crekit on August 14, 2011, 10:27:05 pm
You see the prices of leather?! Me before traders : "AAck butchers tanners MOAR"
Me after traders : "AACK 11x11 leather stockpile filling up" (slight exaggeration, but seriously they bring in a bin of like 10 leather for 70 bucks. Lots of bins. Hell yes I give them a big margin, I didn't even ASK for leather.)
My actually on topic thing...
Dear migrants... Why do I get my first big wave JUST as I finish hauling all that damned stone from my dining room? Iv been begging for a 40 wave for months!
Whatever, go haul all that damn stone from my bedrooms. And barracks. And traders thingy place. And start that bucket brigade. And build my pumpstack. And engrave those walls, plant those seeds, cut those trees haul that wood mine that stone make those beds cook that booze smelt that ore pave that road calibrate those traps disarm those gobbos bag that sand and WHEN DOES THE NEXT 40 MIGRANT WAVE COME DAMMIT?!
MOAR MIGRANTS PL0X
crekit
Post by: Deus Machina on August 14, 2011, 11:12:16 pm
'Merchant price' would be better than 'value' and 'profit', but this is a timeframe before set pricing.
Dear military of Lightcities,
Three ambushes and two dozen dead dwarves later, and Sakzul Febonrel "The Fenced Rope of Coiling" isn't just a hero, he's the only dwarf with any kills.
Not counting Urist McBlisterpile, who bravely threw his infectious self at a goblin before succumbing to infection, but at least took the goblin (and a llama, turkey, his dog, and two cavies) with him.
When I drafted you all and removed your hauling, cleaning, and building responsibilities, I kind of assumed that you would spend the time that would otherwise be spent hauling, cleaning, and building in the barracks. Not slacking around. Switching you guys to 'active' only gets you training on the weekend.
Follow Sakzul's example, grab a spear, and spend some time next to the target so you don't die the next time the greenies show up.
Dear Urist McIdiotNoble,
You know damn well that crystal glass is bugged. That's why you haven't gotten the armor rack you were made demands for between mandates that we can't take bins to the depot (we're going to talk about that one. They're not getting traded, it's just easier to carry them than everything out of them.) and you're demanding a handful of crafters punished.
See, I'm more than happy to give you that green window you demanded, even though your room is exactly in the center of the mountain, you idiot.
You know what the view through that window is? It's a floodgate.
Your next demand better be for a lever, because that's what you're getting.
Post by: Masta Crouton on August 14, 2011, 11:18:43 pm
i'm derailing this topic....
Post by: Deus Machina on August 15, 2011, 12:51:51 am
Please start translating again.
'Urvad Litastked (Urvad Litastked)' is boring and useless, while 'Urvad Litastked (Urvad Torchfed), Noble' is accurately and wonderfully descriptive.
Post by: m4davis on August 15, 2011, 01:27:43 am
your Quite honestly angry booze less overseer
Post by: Max176 on August 15, 2011, 01:57:39 am
I hope you find your new accommodations appropriate, as you seem to have such a love for slade. I decided to place you in the location that you would like best! Enjoy!
From,
Your Loyal Overseer.
Post by: Necro910 on August 15, 2011, 02:15:19 am
Dear Urist McNoble,Dear Overseer Max,
I hope you find your new accommodations appropriate, as you seem to have such a love for slade. I decided to place you in the location that you would like best! Enjoy!
From,
Your Loyal Overseer.
pppppppffffBAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Post by: Tiruin on August 15, 2011, 05:19:19 am
Dear Urist McGreedy****,
When you come on your little ****in caravan to trade with me, DO NOT demand over 2k in trader profit. I offered 200 profit, more than I usually give. And you stormed off, calling ME a child? I give you ONE more goddamn chance. You pull that **** on me again I WILL KILL YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Sincerely,
**** you.
Dear Trader,
We are the same civilization - Dwarves that is, and you should know that we need a profit in the fact that we made all that travel just to get here. Not to mention the fact that we also bring in much needed supplies until either you help change the hierarchy or what not.
Also, I guess you had no other items on hand so we picked the next best thing, you either need to put up more stuff so we could haggle a bit more or at least work on your negotiation skills, that helps a lot in trading.
Do not forget, the trading edict states that when trading with novice merchants, we need at least ~20-30% profit of the item in question. When you get your silver-tongue rolling then we can speak on better bargains. Until then, may our fortunes rise and fall together
-Urist McMerchant Leader
Merchant Guild
~~~~~
Note: the facts about trading are in between the lines. If you don't want to look for them then here they are:
There is no "set" value so the merchants will accept the good, it depends on how much you ask for and how much you trade them for. The merchant will accept/refuse or counter depending on their Mood and on how good your broker is (social skills - negotiator, persuader, conversationalist, appraiser...)
Also note that if you set your military to attack the dwarven caravan, it would end up in serious consequences. (http://df.magmawiki.com/index.php/Trading)
Check the bugs if you see the link.
Post by: Togre on August 15, 2011, 05:44:34 am
Giants are dangerous, wolves are annoying. So when I assemble my entire fledgling military you can be ELFIN' sure its not to deal with wolves but that 20ft. tall building wrecker battering at my doors. So don't attack the wolves--at HIM!!! And, if--and there is no way this should happen--but IF you absolutely NEED to kill a few wolves instead of engaging the giant, remember you are an ELFIN' MARKSDWARF!!!! Running at the wolf to bean him with your weapon is a) stupid and b) putting you closer to the giant. You own my swordsdwarf major kudos (Major Kudos!) for getting to the giant in time and ripping him a new one.
Your overseer.
PS--You are so lucky if haven't found the magma yet.
Post by: Reudh on August 15, 2011, 07:49:11 am
Please hurry up and forge that iron chain. We really want to release our unicorns for training and make pincushions out of our prisoners so we can get some TRAINING before the first siege!
Sincerely, minor deity Reudh.
Post by: Wolock on August 15, 2011, 12:31:43 pm
We are pleased to inform you that you make us smile when we have learned that you love using swords. For that, you are promoted to militia captain of our new swordsdwarves squad.
P.S.: The overseer has personally ordered that your name be changed to ''Fighter'' and start laughing. We don't understand why, but the word of the overseer is law so enjoy your new name.
Sincerely,
The Administration of Strongfaith
Post by: Hitty40 on August 15, 2011, 12:51:00 pm
Why do you all like wood?
-Overseer G
Post by: jaxy15 on August 15, 2011, 01:01:24 pm
Dear starting 7 Dwarves of Abbeykiller:Dear Overseer G,
Why do you all like wood?
-Overseer G
Because, it's, like, colorful and stuff. duuuuuuuuude. hehehe. Want some rope reed fiber cloth?
Sincerely,
7 starting dwarves of Abbeykiller.
Post by: Necro910 on August 15, 2011, 01:34:08 pm
Dear Overseer G,Dear starting 7 Dwarves of Abbeykiller:Dear Overseer G,
Why do you all like wood?
-Overseer G
Because, it's, like, colorful and stuff. duuuuuuuuude. hehehe. Want some rope reed fiber cloth?
Sincerely,
7 starting dwarves of Abbeykiller.
THEY'RE ELF SPIES! BURN THEM WITH MAGMA, NOW! MAGMAAAAAAAAAAAA
Who you should be fully aware of by now,
Overseer Necro
Post by: Saeldanya on August 15, 2011, 02:09:45 pm
Why must you run to the river to fill your waterskin THE VERY MOMENT the sieging army is flooding in through the gate and coming your way, and EVERYONE ELSE is staying in the lower levels like I ordered them to?
Grrrr.
Post by: ledgekindred on August 15, 2011, 02:31:02 pm
Dear starting 7 Dwarves of Abbeykiller:Dear Overseer G,
Why do you all like wood?
-Overseer G
Because, it's, like, colorful and stuff. duuuuuuuuude. hehehe. Want some rope reed fiber cloth?
Sincerely,
7 starting dwarves of Abbeykiller.
Aaaahhhehehhehe, he said "wood."
Pass me some more of those plump helmets, man.
Post by: KoffeeKup on August 15, 2011, 02:57:00 pm
When I say lever, you say PULL then go do that because thanks to you all your under-equipped militia friends are now sliced up, stabbed, broken and bleeding all over our front entrance. Now our understaffed hospital is full and your primary care provider, Urist McBeBackIn5minINeedBoozeStitchUpYourOwnChestCavity is currently unavailable. It would have been great if you pulled the lever so that the draw bridge would go up and make 6 spear goblins plummet 70 feet to the solid rock below but instead you decided to move really slow and pull it when the goblins are in the actual fort. We are now experiencing a tantrum spiral and you deserve that punch to the face by Angrydorf McDeadFriends.
Seriously, Your Powerful and Terrifying Overseer.
PS: 3 babbies are dead because of you! :'( WTF is wrong with you? How are you still ecstatic you little baby murderer?
Post by: Necro910 on August 15, 2011, 03:01:14 pm
PS: 3 babbies are dead because of you! :'( WTF is wrong with you? How are you still ecstatic you little baby murderer?"Urist has taken joy in slaughter lately"
If you want him to feel guilty, tell him how the berserk brewer is no longer making any booze.
Post by: malimbar04 on August 15, 2011, 03:03:08 pm
when I ordered a 3rd story bridge to be dismantled, you were not supposed to be standing on it. You're 7 years old for armoks sake. Your leg is broken now, and I feel no pity for you. Now get off to the hospital.
Post by: Hitty40 on August 15, 2011, 05:19:27 pm
When I ask you to butcher a specific animal, and you decide go and butcher all the yaks in the fort. There's a reason why I let them live. I don't care if they mauled your entire family and you left arm, you butcher that specific animal and that's final.
Post by: Togre on August 15, 2011, 06:40:29 pm
When I tell you to go to the Trade Depot, what that means is I want you to GO TO THE TRADE DEPOT! Not the booze pile!!! Not your bedroom!! No, I even relieved you from your other tasks, not so you could tie one on and then go hibernated, but so you could, oh I don't know--TRADE?!?
Just wait til I find the magma <mumble> <snarl> <grumble>
Cordially,
Your Overseer
Post by: Broseph Stalin on August 15, 2011, 10:09:17 pm
I couldn't help but notice that the last three caravans came and went without you ever reaching them because you decided that drinking, sleeping, carrying things, attending parties, and going on break were all more important than procuring the supplies that our fort desperately needs. You may now be noticing that you are no longer our broker and that your room has begun filling with water.
With love and slowly rising water,
The Voice That Tells You To Do Things.
Post by: DrKillPatient on August 15, 2011, 11:30:13 pm
Unnamed: Get the fuck out of my magma vent. You've already killed one swordsdwarf as he jumped into the volcano to attack you and burned to death hundreds of Urists below.
Zimator: Despite being a nuisance, you have amused me. You briefly broke from the surface of the magma vent to ignite a cheesemaker, who ran screaming through most of the fortress while no one seemed to take notice. Thankfully he set nothing on fire, and hey, he was a cheesemaker. I suppose he deserved that.
Both of you: I respect your perseverance-- you've been here since I uncovered cavern level 3 and haven't left the map since. Oddly, in the fight(s) you instigated, both of you had your left legs severely mutilated. Zimator's hip, ankle, and upper spine are shattered, and Unnamed's got a broken ankle. You appear to be unable to stand up... while floating around in magma. Aren't you made of pure flame? What broke, exactly?
Anyway, stop this harassment of my citizens or I'll go so far as to collapse the entire cavern's roof upon your impudent heads.
- The Invisible Man in the Sky
Post by: Teronsuke on August 15, 2011, 11:35:02 pm
Dear Unnamed Fire Imp,
Get the fuck out of my magma vent. You've already killed one swordsdwarf as he jumped into the volcano to attack you and burned to death hundreds of Urists below.
- The Invisible Man in the Sky
Please, for the love of
Post by: DrKillPatient on August 15, 2011, 11:36:04 pm
Post by: RAKninja on August 16, 2011, 02:26:10 am
create a burrow over your trade depot and assign the broker to it when the a caravan is announced. you'll suffer much less this way. they'll still eat and drink and sleep, but that usually leaves plenty of time for trading.
sincerely,
RAK
Post by: Loyal on August 16, 2011, 11:11:57 am
Between the wonderful soapy bath you recently enjoyed, your nice bedroom, and the fine table you dined at recently, I don't know how a couple of flies could possibly spoil your mood so much that you register as Very Unhappy.
Nice name, by the way.
Hoping a fight with some trogdolytes will improve your mood (if it doesn't kill you),
~O.
Dear Mayor,
Cheetahs aren't native to this region, but if, to fulfill your mandate, you wish to punch out the teeth of the tamed cheetah the Elves brought us, I do not have the power to stop you.
Good luck with that,
~O.
Post by: Eric Blank on August 17, 2011, 01:47:04 am
Stop. Stop engraving the same damn historical event over and over again. We learn nothing from it the second time around, let alone the one-hundred-fifty-third.
The benign Overseer you work so hard to drive towards insanity.
Dear Udil Sarekudil.
I have noticed many of your engravings depict the birdwoman in entirely inappropriate mannerisms. notably, "The Sensual Tail" "The Organized Holes" and "The Fang of Romances." Now, I am an understanding individual and would never judge you based on your personal tastes, but these are personal, private tastes which you are making public. Not only that, but they're engraved in tombs, dining rooms, bedrooms, everywhere! A quarter of our population are children, and the next two quarters are weak-minded fools who are equally terrified at the sight of such things. This needs to stop immediately, before diplomats take notice and we get a reputation for being utterly insane!
Don't even make excuses about how Ozedenam was described to have been "utterly raped" by the Colossus. You shouldn't take things so literally.
If you persist, I may be forced to take action against you, and remove these engravings forcibly.
Your otherwise benign Overseer.
Post by: Vonyx on August 17, 2011, 02:36:30 am
Please, if you feel the urge(mood) to make something special, I beg you please don't make any more cups, rings, figurines, earrings, toys or any other worthless shit like golden short swords ...
This fortress already contains 21/21 worthless pieces of worthless crap that really don't have any use besides taking up place.
Thank you.
Post by: Deus Machina on August 17, 2011, 07:36:35 am
Thank you for the two back-to-back ambushes that helped to test the effectiveness of Lightcities' entrance hall traps.
Due to lack of material, the original layout was to have the 5 Urist wide hall begin with a row of traps of 3 to 5 copper spears, eleven rows checkerboarded with 3 copper or iron spears, alternating, then two rows of cage traps.
I am happy to announce that your ambushes showed enough sense to not reach the cage traps. They got half and three quarters down the hall before deciding, and I quite Stubnos McShotInTheFace, "feck dis noiz", turned around, and got further minced up. Two actually made it back out the doors!
In honor of those two, I'm updating the traps, pending material. It will go from checkerboard of 3 copper or iron spears before two rows of cages, to 4 rows of 5 copper-spear traps, 4 rows of 5 iron, 2 rows of 5 steel, then 2 rows of 10 masterwork steel spears.
The open space on the other side of the hallway will be officially designated the 'Stubnos memorial observation theater'.
Looking forward to picking your armor and toes out of the traps next year,
-overseer of Lightcities.
Post by: Endiqua on August 17, 2011, 08:37:09 am
I have noticed many of your engravings depict the birdwoman in entirely inappropriate mannerisms. notably, "The Sensual Tail" "The Organized Holes" and "The Fang of Romances."
:o Oh my.
Post by: Hitty40 on August 17, 2011, 11:40:12 am
I congratulate you on possibly one the most legendary acts of heroism in Dwarven history. While you were doing what you normally you, a titan has came to our fortress. While everyone was running towards the entrances and our militia was getting ready, you decided to take a Silver Warhammer and no armor, and beat the shit out of it. Knocked off his head in what archivists would call 'sailing in an arc', and then decided to overkill by splitting his lower body from his upper. You are an inspiration to everyone and for this, you will have a temple, engraved with pictures of food and flying body parts, and I will have our coffin maker make an Adamantine coffin, engraved all over with the story of how you killed one of the last few Titans of the world.
The overseer
Post by: AWdeV on August 17, 2011, 02:26:13 pm
Post by: Saint on August 17, 2011, 02:47:37 pm
Yes I know you are really really sad, but that's no excuse to die of dehydration you prick.
-frusterated god
Dear entire fortress
Stop fucking around and do stuff, you can take a break once the stone is cleaned out of the housing sector and we can actually put in beds and a dinning room.
Post by: Eric Blank on August 17, 2011, 02:53:47 pm
Stop Dieing. Do you realize there are only 3 of you left? 3. far more than half of you died after colliding with an obstacle. Namely the ground. 2 of you managed to do this from just 5 stories up. Truly an amazing feat. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REPLICATE THIS INCIDENT. Oh wait, every last one of you did. Congratulations on surviving. True heroes. The first dwarves to EVER fall more than 1 story and survive.
The rest of you who died in this manner did so because you failed to acknowledge your orders, and instead of forming up either deep behind our walls or exactly where you're supposed to outside, you waited until the dodge-pit bridge was choked with enemy forces, then tried to engage them! Do you realize just how long it takes for enemies to get from the edges of the map to the dodge-pit bridge? I do. Your latency will not go unpunished, mainly because it already has been punished. You are dead.
Only half of you died in actual combat. And most of them? because they too ignored their orders and charged headlong into the enemy alone, half of that number did so because they conveniently drop their weapons after combat, for no reason, and thus decide it's a good idea to go pick them up, from right where the enemy stands. Or like Aban, the truest champion we had; neglected to attend swimming practice. Yes, there is a legitimate reason to fear water. That reason is the reason we decided to implement swimming training into your schedule.
I am constantly bombarded by stories from the mountain homes of legendary heroes that slaughter sieges single-handedly, whilst half as well equipped as you are, and with barely any more experience. And yet 30 of you have died from sheer incompetence! Are my orders not clear enough? "Stand here, only engage enemies here." Too hard for you? I simply CANNOT remove the dodge-pit trap. It's absolutely necessary considering how many of you perish in even 1 on 1 combat with inferiorly trained enemies. It is the only thing protecting us from those beasts! Their being 10-30 times your size and equipped with the occasional mithril item is NOT an excuse for such a high rate of failure!
Oh look; See that goblin ambush above you on the bridge? They're taking potshots at civilians and the ranger captain, and winning, because you decided to die today. You better pray there are hospital beds left open for you. The ranger captain has been killed by a trap. Dear Armok...
I'm pulling the levers.
Your sufficiently enraged overseer.
Post by: AWdeV on August 17, 2011, 03:02:31 pm
And I ordered WAAAY too much leather from the caravan. The dwarf caravan is the only caravan. No elves, no humans, no goblins to be seen.
EDIT: AUGH. A web got fetched, processed to silk AND HE DIDN'T GRAB IT. BY GUM. This game is both boring and hideously frustrating. I'm gonna start a new fort elsewhere. Criminy coleslaw.
Post by: narhiril on August 17, 2011, 03:43:28 pm
Having a mooder not picking up more stuff, I figured I'd need to go for silk in the caverns. Found the first cavern (first I found anyway) at -75, stretching down to -137 and it's HIDEOUSLY BORING. Normally when you explore more in a cavern it's "YOU'VE STRUCK THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND OOOH THIS IS SHINY, YOU STRUCK THAT TOO ETC". But NOW it's simply "you've struck cobaltite, garnierite and red spinel" on repeat. It's in gabbro. There's huuuge fields of webs laying around but it's not exactly easy to reach. The dwarf with the mood is at -2 and the first loom is next to him whereas the webs are at -135 and it isn't exactly a trip straight down either. AUGH.
And I ordered WAAAY too much leather from the caravan. The dwarf caravan is the only caravan. No elves, no humans, no goblins to be seen.
EDIT: AUGH. A web got fetched, processed to silk AND HE DIDN'T GRAB IT. BY GUM. This game is both boring and hideously frustrating. I'm gonna start a new fort elsewhere. Criminy coleslaw.
I modded silk to count as yarn for strange moods, at least until yarn is fixed. That's probably what he wanted.
Post by: Jakob on August 17, 2011, 04:06:28 pm
Stop complaining about the lack of food and dig the damned kitchen out already.
or
Dear Urist.
Stop demanding admantine wafers for your project even though I have not even struck the first cavern yet.
Post by: Dwarven WMD on August 17, 2011, 04:23:34 pm
Please learn which game you are in. There is no Predator Drone here to use, so stop telling your subordinates to use it. They cannot use it because they think you are telling them to use a PREDATOR. Not only is use impossible, but you are supposed to be fighting it. It is there to kill you, gentlemen, not for you to launch a missile, which we don't even have since our missile plans failed.
Horrified,
Shepherd
Dear Urist McPhilosopher
What the FUCK are you doing? You have been there for five years. FIVE YEARS. You haven't reported anything back. Nothing. Nada. Nol. Zip. Zero. None. Null. You have plenty of time to think, and plenty of funds from us. Do you know how much you cost? Do you know how much the supplies you take up cost? A lot more than the worth of what you've given me. Where is the work on the Missile Catapult? What about the Flight Program? Where are our rapid fire crossbows?
We are at war, you arse. We need weapons, but you don't seem to understand that. You're in a well-stocked bunker, too. Nothing short of an apocalyptic earthquake could hurt you. Think of something already!
Impatiently,
Urist McNixon
Post by: Jiopaba on August 17, 2011, 04:31:35 pm
Notice of Reassignment
Due to your recent actions as regards: Attempting to walk out through the magma forge channel on the inside of the fort as opposed to walking around to use the front door and being temporarily immersed in shoulder-depth magma.
You have been reassigned from your previous role of: Sub-Legendary Miner
Your new role is that of: Swordsdwarf
Please return the following equipment: Copper Pick
Please see the quartermaster and retrieve the following equipment: Steel Armor, Full Set. Adamantine Short Sword.
Please consider the following notes: You've got major burns over 92% of the surface of your body. To be perfectly blunt, you're not very pleasing to look at any more. The mayor has decided that you're going to be a swordsdwarf on the front lines once you get better. Your new name working name will be McVader, which means "Foolhardy". Whenever possible, try to keep your armor on, shiny black steel is much more pleasing to look at than blackened flesh which will never recover. If you make it a few years without dying, we'll review your situation. Maybe you can make a name for yourself? Anything's possible.
- The Management
Post by: m4davis on August 17, 2011, 05:47:31 pm
Urist Mcnice now make sure he has a sonMinerVader
Notice of Reassignment
Due to your recent actions as regards: Attempting to walk out through the magma forge channel on the inside of the fort as opposed to walking around to use the front door and being temporarily immersed in shoulder-depth magma.
You have been reassigned from your previous role of: Sub-Legendary Miner
Your new role is that of: Swordsdwarf
Please return the following equipment: Copper Pick
Please see the quartermaster and retrieve the following equipment: Steel Armor, Full Set. Adamantine Short Sword.
Please consider the following notes: You've got major burns over 92% of the surface of your body. To be perfectly blunt, you're not very pleasing to look at any more. The mayor has decided that you're going to be a swordsdwarf on the front lines once you get better. Your new name working name will be McVader, which means "Foolhardy". Whenever possible, try to keep your armor on, shiny black steel is much more pleasing to look at than blackened flesh which will never recover. If you make it a few years without dying, we'll review your situation. Maybe you can make a name for yourself? Anything's possible.
- The Management
Post by: narhiril on August 18, 2011, 12:36:30 pm
Please stop sending migrant waves during six concurrent ambushes.
Sincerely,
Urist McLazy, mason, who does not get paid by the slab.
Post by: AWdeV on August 18, 2011, 02:48:43 pm
Post by: Deus Machina on August 18, 2011, 05:37:52 pm
I've hit veins of hematite that span entire layers. I have not, however, struck bituminous coal or lignite.
Grow faster.
Eagerly waiting to burn you and your children,
the overseer of Lightcities.
Post by: Hitty40 on August 18, 2011, 07:04:20 pm
Yes, please go attempt to kill yourself again while there is a goblin siege going on. Militia won't save you next time.
-G
Post by: alesia on August 18, 2011, 10:08:29 pm
Please bring more bodyguards. Your last set died in the moat fighting the panda men. There are still two living panda men down there and I want new critters on my map, dammit.
PS. If you could please outfit your bodyguards in full bronze armor, that would be great. A pump-assisted corpse reclamation program has been added to the agenda for a few years down the road once the panda men are all dead, and we can always use more bronze.
PPS. No we're not giving you their stuff back. That equipment has been claimed as part of the Stupidity Tax which is levied on people stupid enough to go into the moat.
PPPS. You can keep your shitty llama wool clothes. We wear steel or nothing.
Sincerely,
The Administrator of Hammerwork
---
Dear six loving but unmarried couples,
We are the last dwarves on the planet. Get married and make babies already.
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: Cthulhu Inc on August 19, 2011, 01:56:09 pm
Learn to lead the target.
Farm animals:
Eat the grass in the rest of your pasture before fighting.
--The Corporation
Post by: nightwhips on August 19, 2011, 02:08:15 pm
Yes, I know you're excited about military duty. That does not mean take off all your clothes out in the middle of the woods in preparation for your new uniform. You'll just have to go pick them up again when you go off duty, and that will probably lead to badger women. Not good, Urist McMigrant.
Sincerely,
Your Fortress
Post by: Hungry Elephant on August 19, 2011, 02:49:17 pm
I really liked you.
I mean, you handle a entire goblin siege with only threee other chaps.
You smashed your way tough ordes of goblins, trolls and the like.
You had a fair amount of kills.
Then can you explain to me how you managed to drow on the bottom of a lake with no access? Did you jump trough the well? Or did you fall from the single empty space title?
And you lost a bunch of well crafted steel armor that I cannot even retrieve because in the first place I got no bloody idea how did you get down there.
Good news is that I put a grate on that empty space tile. Just in case.
And for Armork sake, what the hell were you doing near the well while we got tons of booze?
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: wypie on August 19, 2011, 02:52:06 pm
Why must you run out during a seige and get turned into beef jerky...
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitiaCommander
Post by: Hungry Elephant on August 19, 2011, 04:14:21 pm
Dear Urist McJerky
Why must you run out during a seige and get turned into beef jerky...
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitiaCommander
Dear UristMilitiaCommander,
This usually do not happen if you make a proper use of burrows and alarms settings.
If the dwarf is already outside... well bad for him, but he will try to get inside ASAP.
Sincerely,
A fellow Overseer.
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on August 19, 2011, 05:32:34 pm
he will try to get inside ASAP.Except when he sees enemy. Civilian will run around like headless chicken, and military will suicidally attack. Great choices!
Post by: Niccolo on August 19, 2011, 06:34:59 pm
he will try to get inside ASAP.Except when he sees enemy. Civilian will run around like headless chicken, and military will suicidally attack. Great choices!
Or if he's on break. I had a gang of dwarves that would immediately go on break as soon as I hit military alert... and they'd all run outside - closely followed by the outer gate shutting. Like hell I was letting them back in.
Post by: betasoldier on August 19, 2011, 07:05:34 pm
While I genuinely admire your spirit, could you please tell me why you chose to attack the goblin by biting him in the head instead of beating him with the iron war hammer that I checked to ensure that you had? It was very dwarfy but..... yeah...... Oddly effective.
Your Confused Overseer
Post by: Hitty40 on August 19, 2011, 11:09:01 pm
Please stop having just about everyone liking some kind of wood. It's not Dwarfy. Failure to comply may lead to an unfortunate accident until this is resolved.
Post by: jaxy15 on August 20, 2011, 01:08:02 am
Dear dwarves of Abbeykiller(and to the Mountainhomes):Dear Overseer G,
Please stop having just about everyone liking some kind of wood. It's not Dwarfy. Failure to comply may lead to an unfortunate accident until this is resolved.
but it's like colorful hehehehe
Sincerely,
Dwarves of Abbeykiller
Post by: dei on August 20, 2011, 01:15:28 am
If one of your cave-ins kills the expedition leader and that hussie doctor he's always shacking up with, I will promote your ass - out of a cannon.
Sincerely, Dei
Post by: outofpractice on August 20, 2011, 02:56:25 am
I would like to thank you 15 wonderful dwarves for holding off a siege of 60 plus enemies. You did the fort proud and not a scatch on any of you! Oh the glory to the fort you brought. But seriously, when all 15 of you go out to clean up the last 5 units high up on the side of cliff, it should have been a cake walk.
Only seeing 2 of you return was super scary for the rest of the fort. Having to dig out the 8 bodies of military dwarves that decided to dodge off a 22zlvl high cliff into a stream was a little overkill I thought. Please learn to dodge towards solid ground, not open air. Its better for everyones health.
Sincerely
Your devoted Overseer.
Post by: Niccolo on August 20, 2011, 03:27:20 am
Dear Urist McMigrant-
Yes, I know you're excited about military duty. That does not mean take off all your clothes out in the middle of the woods in preparation for your new uniform. You'll just have to go pick them up again when you go off duty, and that will probably lead to badger women. Not good, Urist McMigrant.
Sincerely,
Your Fortress
I think it's a creepy animal fixation. He wants to be naked around the badger women.
Dear Urists McFutureMoodables:
If you're going to tantrum, don't do it just after collecting the extremely expensive bars of steel that I imported in lieu of booze for everyone else. Have the decency to go insane before ruining everyone else's lives, okay?
Post by: Shurhaian on August 22, 2011, 01:20:17 am
Perhaps digging down to find the cavern before the settlers had even dug in from the wagon was premature. I will acknowledge and own that.
However, when a troglodyte and a few crundles came up through the stairway and the troglodyte started harrassing first the livestock, then the dwarves, I gave you orders to attack the troglodyte.
And you proceeded to run the other way, almost exactly.
To chase down a crundle who wasn't doing much of anything, and certainly not directly threatening your dwarven fellows.
Then, while you were wasting your time on that lovely pursuit, you got your axe stuck in the crundle's soon-to-be corpse, and you left it there. You started charging off toward Armok knows what, unarmed. I had to cancel your orders to make you pick the damn axe back up.
And then, when I reactivated you, telling you once again to chase down the troglodyte who was in hot pursuit of your team's engineer, you charged off in hot pursuit of the other crundle, leading directly to the demise of the poor pursued engineer. And the troglodyte was still free to attack the other dwarves.
If I'd had time to construct a Rising Water Room, you would so be assigned to it right now.
No love,
-The Overseer
Post by: Greasemunky on August 22, 2011, 01:24:54 am
Please don't run so fast into the goblins, wait up for everyone else, I promise there will be plenty of goblin to go around.
-Your good friend, Urist McOverseer.
P.S. Choose a weapon and stick with it, I really don't need a dorf with a bit of skill in all weapons.
Post by: Necro910 on August 22, 2011, 01:55:50 am
Dear Urist McMigrant-Furry Dorfs?
Yes, I know you're excited about military duty. That does not mean take off all your clothes out in the middle of the woods in preparation for your new uniform. You'll just have to go pick them up again when you go off duty, and that will probably lead to badger women. Not good, Urist McMigrant.
Sincerely,
Your Fortress
What's next, straight elves?
Post by: Hitty40 on August 22, 2011, 02:07:49 pm
I have warned you once, and still you get dwarves who love trees. This cannot go on any longer. Prepare for an unfortunate accident involving the recently hostile caged Elves and the FB in the caverns with deadly dust.
-My regards, your metal-loving overseer.
Post by: DrPoo on August 22, 2011, 02:35:08 pm
The frequent waves of bagder boars might look agressive, but you are dwarfs, please fight them instead of leaving my valueable spider silk yarn in the middle of nowhere.
Yours truly
Your flatulent overseer.
Post by: Teronsuke on August 22, 2011, 02:41:09 pm
Dear 7 dwarves of IFORGOTTHENAMEOFMYOWNFORT
The frequent waves of bagder boars might look agressive, but you are dwarfs, please fight them instead of leaving my valueable spider silk yarn in the middle of nowhere.
Yours truly
Your flatulent overseer.
Dear flatulent overseer, please consider a less bean-based diet in the future.
Also: we challenge you to stand and do battle with a vicious foaming monster that comes up to your knees while armed with nothing.
Yours Truly, The Dwarves of YOUFORGOTTHEFORTNAME
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 22, 2011, 03:15:50 pm
You are our part-time nurse. When there are no gems to be cut (and I can assure you, there are/were none), you are supposed to rescue the wounded. You don't have to haul things around in your spare time like most others, so tell me why it took half a season to retrieve the captain of our best Markdwarf squad? You're lucky he didn't suffer anything that would have caused him to bleed-out or there would have been...repercussions. Please act with more haste in the future or I will have said captain beat you with his crutch.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: DrPoo on August 23, 2011, 11:27:12 am
Dear 7 dwarves of IFORGOTTHENAMEOFMYOWNFORT
The frequent waves of bagder boars might look agressive, but you are dwarfs, please fight them instead of leaving my valueable spider silk yarn in the middle of nowhere.
Yours truly
Your flatulent overseer.
Dear flatulent overseer, please consider a less bean-based diet in the future.
Also: we challenge you to stand and do battle with a vicious foaming monster that comes up to your knees while armed with nothing.
Yours Truly, The Dwarves of YOUFORGOTTHEFORTNAME
Dear Dwarves of IFORGOTTHENAMEOFMYOWNFORTRESS,
But i love beans!! D:
Yours truly,
Post by: Loyal on August 23, 2011, 11:52:25 am
It's disappointing we were unable to create cheetah-tooth items for you - again - But there is literally no reason for you to have locked up our Master Marksdwarf for the violation.
This is why you are no longer mayor. Consider yourself lucky you still have a job as broker, if only because I don't feel like training another and don't consider you important enough to stress-test the "structural integrity" of the new magma works.
~O.
P.S.: our imported cheetahs are breeding now, allowing us to train them for war. The previous cheetah-punching offer (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=63417.msg2540011#msg2540011) still stands.
Post by: moki on August 23, 2011, 02:20:24 pm
You, Sir, are awesome. Keep up the good work. I planned to use your sqad of untrained recruits as diversion so the masons can quickly build a wall and stop the invasion, while you die outside. Face it, that's the life of a dwarf in the militia.
Against all my plans and orders, you didn't die but slaughtered about 50 goblins and 20 trolls. If you keep up that kind of efficiency until the fort is back to normal after the recent... problems, you'll be rewarded with luxurious rooms and better equipment. That is, if you manage to keep your squad alive and don't die to some goblin thief or pansy forgotten beast's syndromes, which seems to be a common theme with most of your colleagues in the recent past.
~the (still) hopeful overseer.
Dear Urist McDoctor,
I imagine, you were always ready to care for you patients for the last years, though nobody had any serious medical problems. Now after 9 years in "Helpmerchants", after the first real emergency which left some wounded dwarves at your skilled hands, you are having a break, eat, drink, have a party, drink some more, sleep, eat and have another party?! Didn't you notice that about 40 of your fellow dwarves just died, some are running around babbling and at least 10 are heavily wounded and dying in your hospital? Do you just not notice the gore and screams around you or have you decided to die at a party instead of helping those in need?
Seriously, get to work! I got you all necessary supplies, a state-of-the-art hospital and even an own office. What more do you want to do the work you aren't paid for?
~your overseer, with one hand at the lever, if you know what I mean.
Post by: Eктωρ on August 23, 2011, 03:06:34 pm
Going in a break while the only marksdwarf in the fortress agonizes after fighting a Giant Cave Spider is not very considerate to do, we could have saved a precious life and impeded the military for going unhappy at the loss of a friend.
Yours truely, UristMcDeadDwarfFriend
Post by: sirdanilot on August 23, 2011, 04:43:14 pm
Please stop cancelling your jobs due to 'dangerous terrain', even though the fortress' main staircase has been turned into a waterfall due to an unfortunate digging error. Suck it up and swim through it. Please realize that digging out that new aquifer plug is of the utmost importance to solve the waterfall-staircase problem, and hurry up with it. While you're at it, please clean up the layer of mud in the main meeting hall - I know it was flooded once, but no reason to leave the mess is there?
Dear Ms. Asismosus, broker:
Please just ignore that brat of a child of yours and go trade with the caravan BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
Dear ingenious wheel driven machinery,
Please stop killing my framerate.
Post by: Hitty40 on August 23, 2011, 06:17:29 pm
Don't get fussy just because the Dwarves who loved wood killed themselves.
-G
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 24, 2011, 07:59:56 am
An investigator has been sent from the Mountainhomes to investigate the circumstances behind the large number of recent deaths of those under your care at Abbeykiller. If he finds that foul play was involved, the consequences will involve a helmet, a Hammerlord, and 5 months straight of head-bashing. Your cooperation will be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Dwarven Expeditionary Logistics and Accountability
Post by: Hitty40 on August 24, 2011, 05:18:36 pm
Dear "G,"
An investigator has been sent from the Mountainhomes to investigate the circumstances behind the large number of recent deaths of those under your care at Abbeykiller. If he finds that foul play was involved, the consequences will involve a helmet, a Hammerlord, and 5 months straight of head-bashing. Your cooperation will be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Dwarven Expeditionary Logistics and Accountability
Dear D.E.L.A,
Yes. Please send an investigator over who loves wood. I'll keep him company with the magma carp.
-G
Post by: slathazer on August 24, 2011, 07:00:26 pm
I know living in the fortress is tough, but When I stationed you at the ambush place, I expected you to actually AMBUSH the goblin hoarde running through our maze. You just stood around like idiots while the bad guys successfully hurled all of our infantry down the chasm.
Dear Urist Mcsiegeoperator,
I know that the goblins are scary. I know you fear for your life. With this in mind I decidedly built large stone fortifications to protect you from the goblins, and gave you ample ammunition and time to slaughter them all in time with Ballista bolts. You, however decided to run back and forth in the stockpiles without firing a single shot.
Post by: whitecold on August 25, 2011, 03:47:50 pm
I was very happy about your fey mood. But then you insisted on Billon. Why? We have all these wonderful steel bars, but okay, go on, make your billon weapon we see how thats going.
But then you make a bow. a billon bow. thank you very much for this...
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 25, 2011, 08:22:03 pm
Why did you celebrate our embark by jumping into a pond?
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Reudh on August 25, 2011, 08:26:00 pm
Sincerely
Reudh, Overseer of Zalisiden
Post by: RenoFox on August 26, 2011, 05:15:40 am
I know you were unhappy about the draft, but unlike the other recruits, you decided to take it out on your squadmates. When the sheriff beat you within inch of your life, breaking your legs and back, it was the most justified beating I've ever witnessed. Since then, every time I see you crawling through the mud fills me with a warm happy feeling that there is still justice in the world.
Post by: Keldor on August 26, 2011, 11:04:03 am
Dear D.E.L.A,
Yes. Please send an investigator over who loves wood. I'll keep him company with the magma carp.
-G
Dear G,
I must confess that I have a great liking to wood. After all, what other material has so many practical uses, all of which piss off elves? The only time I don't like wood is when I see it stuck in the ground, unused, growing those leafy green things. I'm sure you'll agree with my proposal that we cut down some more of those horrid "trees" so that we can produce more of those wonderful wooden earrings.
Yours Truely,
A wood-loving noble.
Post by: Hitty40 on August 26, 2011, 01:49:39 pm
Dear D.E.L.A,
Yes. Please send an investigator over who loves wood. I'll keep him company with the magma carp.
-G
Dear G,
I must confess that I have a great liking to wood. After all, what other material has so many practical uses, all of which piss off elves? The only time I don't like wood is when I see it stuck in the ground, unused, growing those leafy green things. I'm sure you'll agree with my proposal that we cut down some more of those horrid "trees" so that we can produce more of those wonderful wooden earrings.
Yours Truely,
A wood-loving noble.
Dear wood-lovng noble,
We have no need of trees in the first place. Our miners have discovered a metal that can be a substitute for wood, and is more abundant and possible to farm with, making it 50% more safer to retrieve, and yet is still a metal, no matter what.
Luckily for me, I don't have to backtrack you because of your anonymous message. We have blocked off the gates to the outside world and have our Hammerlord heading to your bedroom for... 'retraining'.
-G
Post by: Ross Vernal on August 26, 2011, 02:24:35 pm
Build the walls from the outside, not the inside.
Dear Urist McAxefaces:
When I tell you to sit and wait in a certain area, it means "Sit and wait in that area for invaders to come." It does not mean "Charge right past the station spot, and have a mass melee fight on top of my drowning dodge trap."
Post by: Kaleb702 Games on August 26, 2011, 02:34:58 pm
Whoever chose you / you people to be in charge of naming groups of people are terrible at your job / jobs.
Next time, pick something awesome. "The Roof of Reverence". Just what kind of a name is that? Goldenauras sounds much cooler. "Mistyworks" was a good name, however. Thanks for that one.
From, the Overdwarf.
Post by: Bates on August 26, 2011, 05:10:52 pm
Thank you for carrying Urist McHero to the hospital, he wouldn't have been able to get there himself with compound fractures in both legs.
I am truly grateful, since McHero is an inspiration to us all. I mean he killed two goblins and a troll after he had his legs broken and I believe, that he really turned the tide in that battle which we were losing.
So thanks for that.
But did you really have to wait for him to pass out from hunger, before helping him?
I mean his cries and moans of pain were really disturbing/distracting since he was lying in the middle of our training ground in the front courtyard.
That's not the kind of thing you want to see/hear when you are training to be the next defender/hero/casualty of the fortress...
Sincerely,
Urist McRecruit
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 26, 2011, 05:44:24 pm
You crippled my tame jabberer. Do you know how lucky I am to have that? If this wasn't the first week of the fort, I would send my military to avenge my poor giant bird-monster's Achilles tendon.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, a name you will learn to fear.
Post by: Ross Vernal on August 26, 2011, 09:39:44 pm
Congratulations! You've won yourself a free
Post by: Madurjafro on August 27, 2011, 07:19:47 am
So I sent you out to go and kill a panda to help you train (no danger rooms here), how in the fuck did it take you all that time to track down pandas, which may I remind are supposed to be slow, and then beat it to death with your iron spears for about a month or two.
Yours Truly, your slightly frustrated Overseer.
Dear Urist McTwoThroats
Now you were also part of said militia, Even though you are dead, I somehow congratulate you on managing to actually hit the panda, but Only
Yours truly, You confused and slightly pleased, Glorious Overseer.
Post by: Ross Vernal on August 27, 2011, 12:20:55 pm
You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.
Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.
Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."
Post by: Cheveux on August 27, 2011, 01:33:59 pm
When I deactivated every labors you could have except mason and architect and told you to go build that wall, I meant now. The Reclaim team will piss on your grave.
Sincerely,
Cheveux the angry Overlord.
On a unrelated note :
Dear Strem Frightspite the Lonely:
You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.
Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.
Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."
Dear Overlord Ross Vernal,
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Yours truly,
Forgotten Theropod
*Translation : But it's so pretty and soft...
Post by: Ross Vernal on August 27, 2011, 02:51:22 pm
On a unrelated note :Dear Strem Frightspite the Lonely:
You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.
Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.
Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."
Dear Overlord Ross Vernal,
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Yours truly,
Forgotten Theropod
*Translation : But it's so pretty and soft...
Dear Forgotten Barney:
My apologies, it's a cave spider silk tunic.
(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/1227/2of12.jpg)
(http://img30.imageshack.us/img30/2968/5of12.jpg)
(http://img801.imageshack.us/img801/3154/11of12.jpg)
(http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/4167/lolownedk.jpg)
PS: SERIOUSLY!?
Post by: Squanto on August 27, 2011, 06:52:36 pm
No matter what you may think, you are still a male. Giving yourself the title "the Woman of Sparkles" is getting rather confusing to me. Please grant yourself another title.
Sincerely,
Your Fussy Guiding Force
Post by: Ross Vernal on August 28, 2011, 07:38:23 pm
After seeing three people die building the previous pump stack, you'd think you would have learned.
Your profession is now "Fucktard" and I hope you enjoy either drowning or dying of thirst, depending on how long you take to die.
Post by: Theifofdreams on August 28, 2011, 08:48:45 pm
If you can't build the stairs because something is in the way, then you should at least haul the item to the garbage dump since it's designated to be dumped.
Because you found yourself unable to drag it 30 lengths, 4 dwarfs died of dehydration one floor up, unable to get reach the stockpiles of food and alcohol; and we still do not have access to the mass barracks. Your selfishness has been noted, and the next time something like this comes up, I will have you wall yourself in.
-Supremely frustrated Overseer.
PS. Dear Urist Mcdehydrated:
If the stairs are out, and you're dying of thirst, jump down the hole. A fall of a single Z-level will not hurt you nearly as much as death will.
Post by: Niccolo on August 28, 2011, 09:23:38 pm
Thank you for being caught in my cage-traps. This allowed me to train you as war animals... and you have now become the most dangerous things in my fortress. You saved me from that goblin ambush.
Sincerely,
The guy not butchering you.
Post by: BranRhi on August 28, 2011, 10:21:14 pm
When the Sasquatch showed up and wrecked our wagon and you were told to kill it, why did you run off without the crossbow and bolts you were skilled with?
-the Funeral Dwarf
Post by: ledgekindred on August 29, 2011, 09:55:03 am
Thank you for evolving the instinct to either a) stand immediately next to a pool of water while having no swimming skill, b) stand on the bridge over the only few tiles of lava, c) stand on the narrow walkway over the huge z-level drop ... while dodging during a fight. You could have moved a half dozen tiles in just about any other direction and been perfectly safe. How your entire species has managed to survive this long, when you all seem to insist on falling to your deaths at the drop of a hat is a puzzle for the ages.
Dear Urist McLegendaryMechanic and Urist McLegendaryWeaponsmith,
Thanks to the two of you, and no thanks to our incredibly inept military (see above re: idiots), the four, yes four weapon traps, filled with masterwork trap components and operated by masterwork mechanisms, managed to hold off the entire siege as they filed through the path of death in front of our gate. I'm only slightly irritated that I would have liked to have a few make it to the cage traps for training fodder, but I certainly cannot dispute the fact that your handful of traps turned the first dozen or so invaders through it into a fine mist, causing half the siege to retreat. Soon after which the rest of the siege decided to walk through the same traps that just a moment before chopped, sliced and tenderized the previous squad. While a few made it through, the traps apparently reset shortly after and when THEY retreated, were just as efficiently vaporized. You have been rewarded with lovely new bedrooms. If I had to complain about anything, it would be the fact that the traps were so effective that it took quite a bit of time to clean up all the chunks.
Dear Goblins,
Keep visiting if you'd like, those mysterious pad on the ground are just welcome mats! And most certainly not full of spinning death.
Yrs,
Omniscient Overseer
Post by: Ross Vernal on August 29, 2011, 11:08:30 am
Dear Urist McDumbass:
After seeing three people die building the previous pump stack, you'd think you would have learned.
Your profession is now "Fucktard" and I hope you enjoy either drowning or dying of thirst, depending on how long you take to die.
Dear Urist McDumbass:
Your profession is now Ghostly Fucktard.
You will never be buried.
Post by: Lord Allagon on August 29, 2011, 03:54:46 pm
Please refrain from taking off your clothes while sparring. There are childs sleeping under you, you know?
Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner:
What. Are you doing? I disabled all your labors except mining, and you still refuse to dig. It appears like you've been hosting not one, not two, but three parties one after the other, even if in your personality it says "does not actively seek friendships and is incredibly distant and reserved", " prefers to be alone", "is organized" and "has a strong sense of duty". Please go to dig, or I will make other person do it. And throw you into the pit. With the spikes activated.
Yours,
Overseer
Post by: mathi on August 30, 2011, 11:41:25 am
While I have the utmost respect for your strength and determination, and I appreciate the way you try contribute to solving our possible future food shortage, please refrain from dragging a dead whale into our kitchen-quarter.
When reclaiming an abandoned fortress there is always a lot of work to do. Things are hauled into their storage and almost all of our 10 other dwarves are occupied by that. Our butchery is already cluttered by the remains of the animals butchered by the old occupants, and after careful inspection of the kitchen indicates that hygiene concerns might have contributed to that abandonment.
A small part of a whale carcass, like a fin or the tongue, might have been a useful addition to our diet, however, it seems that we will be eating rancid blubber and oil for the next 5 years. This, combined with the unavoidable stench of rotting whale brain, might influence the motivation of new immigrants negatively.
For the good of the fortress the coming years, I hope you will show the same enthusiasm for dragging the carcass out as you have shown for dragging it in. If not, I might find a position for you as an early scout for the soon to be formed Escaped Forgotten Beast Elimination squad.
Your Overseer
Post by: Tevish Szat on August 30, 2011, 12:50:29 pm
You are our chief medical dwarf. You have at least three other medical dwarves with all medical labors enabled to help. If another dwarf with a broken leg comes into your hospital and dies of thirst after three years of resting and waiting for one of our many available crutches to be delivered, your entire team will be reassigned to the caverns. Should the forgotten beasts and their various secretions, gasses, poisons, and dust not kill you outright, I will personally ensure that you receive the same grade of medical care you so generously provided to my fortress.
With Threats,
Your Overseer.
Dear Urist McActor,
I appreciate the classics as much as the next overseer. While your rendition of Lady Macbeth attempting to wash blood off your hands is gripping the first time, your constant attempts to "clean self" at the farthest possible murky pool from my walls only to track back through the rivers of blood at my fortress gate and decide you'd better clean up again are getting frustrating. I've killed all soap production and forbidden all soap. If you absolutely must wash off I have a perfectly good, DEFENDED water source. You and your friends need to stay inside or you're going to become goblin chow.
Wrathfully,
Your Overseer.
Dear Urist McNoble,
We don't have aluminum. The humans don't bring aluminum for trade. Our liaison from the mountainhomes does not offer aluminum in any form. Your demand for an aluminum cabinet and mandate we make aluminum goods will go unmet. Your desire we cease all exportation of aluminum is manageable, but rather pointless considering the mentioned state of our aluminum industry. We'll get you some platinum furniture, okay? If it's not okay, we might see about getting you some magma. It will take your mind off the lack of aluminum, I guarantee it.
"Humbly",
Your Overseer.
Post by: JoshBrickstien on August 30, 2011, 01:35:20 pm
I salute you, my friend. Though you made an ill advised choice of standing on the wrong side of the wall when sealing the caverns, you also saved the fort from a giant cave spider. The Spider that, might I add, is currently mauling you to death three metres from the stairwell you sealed off. I assure you, the marksdwarves will retrieve your corpse and add you to the hall of heroes.
The Overseer
Dear Urist McLegendaryAnimalCaretaker
I am humbly honored that you decided to immigrate here. Your room in on the third floor, fifth door on the left. Please enjoy your lovely lever and get plenty of use out of it.
The Overseer
Post by: Stargazer on August 30, 2011, 03:31:18 pm
Look, which would you rather prefer? To be occasionally stationed out in the rain-swept roofstops, enduring a cold shower now and again while your fellow soldiers train in the nice warm barracks, or to vomit up everything you've eaten for the past week during a goblin siege when I order you out into sunlight that you're unaccustomed to? I've given you cloaks. I've given you hoods. Suck it up already and be a
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf,
There is a reason why I've stationed you on the ramparts. If you haven't noticed, which is likely, there's a rather large number of goblins sitting on the other side of our moat making some fairly obscene gestures in your general direction. Now, I know you have a quiver and an ample supply of arrows. The crossbow you're wielding is of the finest quality. You have some of the best iron armor, forged in the depths of a magma kiln by our legendary armorer. Since you are so well-equipped, I would be ever so appreciative if you'd actually SHOOT AT THE ENEMY like I ordered! I don't CARE if there's two tiles behind the fortification instead of just one.
Dear Urist McPeasant,
There is a screaming mass of greenskin pillagers heading toward our fortress. I've designated all civilians to hide inside the fortress burrow where they'll be safe. You, however, seem to be intent on picking up that little bit of magnetite that was left over from excavating our moat and appear to be ignoring my orders to the contrary. This is commendable, but not necessarily wise given the current situation. The drawbridges need to be raised. If I decide that the fortress is in danger, I will have no choice but to do so. If you're caught outside when this happens, I will not be entirely sorry to watch the giant toads tear you limb from limb.
Post by: Eктωρ on August 30, 2011, 04:50:26 pm
I appreciate all the work you are putting into building the houses.
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 31, 2011, 09:36:14 am
I have set up a redundant tight door/hatch cover system complete with traps and guard dogs at the entrance to the caverns. While I usually appreciate common courtesy, holding each and every door and hatch for a troglodyte is just plain retarded.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: Reudh on August 31, 2011, 06:42:23 pm
Please stop screaming at me when you hunt a Unicorn with three bolts left in your quiver. It's your choice. Hopefully our team of surgeons can patch you up. If not, there's plenty more hunters...
Sincerely, Reudh, Deity of Zalisiden and Common Sense.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on September 03, 2011, 11:40:48 pm
WHY DO YOU EXIST OH GOD BLOOD EVERYWHERE!
Love,
The Overseer
Post by: Specter513 on September 04, 2011, 12:13:03 am
Your only job is to close the gate. Do not run from the gate. You will be safe if you close the gate. If you have the misfortune of being found by me, I'll show you what a closed gate looks like from the outside.
Have fun with the gobbos,
Overseer
Post by: Teronsuke on September 04, 2011, 03:17:44 am
When I gave the order for you to begin production from the several HUNDRED iron bars that are currently stockpiled, I wanted you to begin NOW. Not haul a log across a frozen pond, and drown within 3 seconds when the damned thing unfroze.
-Teron
P.S. I will leave your corpse in that lake until your ghost starts getting violent, I now have to pick someone who DIDN'T migrate in halfway to legendary in all metalworking skills.
Post by: Table Turning on September 04, 2011, 06:44:24 am
When I ordered everyone to evacuate inside because of an attack, don't you think you could have taken your baby with you? It's your fucking fault if you go insane because the poor thing was mutilated by goblins.
P.S. Don't take your baby in the danger room, either. I'm not cleaning that mess up.
Post by: Greiger on September 04, 2011, 09:01:56 am
Yes, you worked very quickly and got the wounded members of the crossbow squad to the hospital almost the moment the all clear was called. I am happy to see that it looks like they will all live, even the really stupid one that ignored the station order to stay the hell away from the fortifications until the elite crossbowgob passed, and caused the others to get injured trying to save his ass.
Very good job.
However was it really necessary to put them all in one bed? There's 19 others in the hospital, and I can't help but think it makes the doctors' jobs a little difficult.
From,
The Administration
Post by: Cheveux on September 04, 2011, 01:41:26 pm
However was it really necessary to put them all in one bed? There's 19 others in the hospital, and I can't help but think it makes the doctors' jobs a little difficult.
That must have be confusing :
Urist McDiagnoser : No McBoneSetter! It's the wrong leg! I already told you it was the third left one from the top.
Lekost McBoneSetter : Arggh! Screw this I'm going to set everyone's legs in gypsum. There problem solved.
Cog McSurgeon : Anyone knows if I already operated on this patient?
Litast McSuturer : I hope so because I already sewed thread in his head.
EDIT : Typo!
Post by: Ross Vernal on September 04, 2011, 04:08:30 pm
If you're thirsty, try pausing your work and going for a drink. We have a room with hundreds of barrels of booze, located less than 50 steps from your workshop and your bedroom. Unfortunately, you decided to keep working through your thirsty and dropped dead of thirst right as soon as you walked into the booze room.
Which now smells like your rotting, idiotic corpse.
Thank you.
Post by: Coolnesstod on September 05, 2011, 07:25:04 pm
You killed an entire army of Goblins and your angry because your pet kitten died, You have 50 other kittens that love you, so shut up and get out of bed and work, you fucking panzy.
Post by: Loli on September 06, 2011, 12:14:02 am
As much as I understand the importance of beating misbehaving dorfs, did you really have to kill the Legendary Axelord, Legendary Hammerdwarf, and the Legendary Miner because they destroyed a bed or two?
Post by: Tiruin on September 06, 2011, 06:31:24 am
You are one of the starting seven, bound by your rule that you live or die to the fort you make. You are our Militia Commander and armed in full steel. You are currently in charge of training up 3 more dabbling recruits.
And when the scouts raised the alarm, you told everyone to stay inside. The doors blocking the invaders were jammed by a leftover piece of dolomite and everyone else was too busy panicking to remove them.
You were the only one who stood against a 12 goblin squad, led by a Jabberer. I was watching you raise your axe and shield as you taunted them by our door. I never knew you had such colorful language.
No one else was brave enough to stand at your side but your pet war dog. When they came, you charged in unison. I thought you would die to the Jabberer but your dog saved you, allowing you to chop it up, the goblins fled in terror as you cut them by the heel.
But alas, your dog has fallen and now you are unhappy although we are partying because of your brave success. Not even a scratch! I applaud your self-less act, but we sadly cannot replace your dog. Just made a statue of you and it though.
Our hero is you.
-Overseer _________
Fortress Saramnir
Post by: Brackev on September 07, 2011, 01:31:13 pm
Thank you for chasing those camels to our gate instead of killing them while they passed you. We have a key to the city for you after you get inside. After getting the key, please unlock the door and let yourselves back in.
-The Management
Post by: Urist McTaverish on September 07, 2011, 10:43:02 pm
You are NOT Cacame Awemedinade so stop trying! My dragon already slaughtered your squad and...
Well thank you at least for providing my pet dragon with a title now. Hope you rot, though dragonfire doesn't leave much behind.
Your Not-So-Loving Comrade What Lurks In The Dark.
Post by: Varnifane on September 07, 2011, 11:21:35 pm
Why would you run past the safely guarded corpse of your child to pick up his socks in the midst of the remaining goblins?
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 08, 2011, 06:40:10 am
I know you don't like conducting meetings in the dormitory, so conduct them in that office you have! I know you know you have it, you were updating stockpile records there just the other day...
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Corwyn on September 09, 2011, 09:43:12 am
When your Liason left last summer we sent him a short list of things any dwarf would greet with open arms. Bring us meat. Bring us precious metals that are in short supply. Bring us alcohol.
Your packmules were almost lost to a goblin ambush but your brave lasher (who should survive with just minor injuries, good job!) kept them distracted for the 10 seconds for my champions to charge from their patrol route to protect the slow moving beasts.
You've returned to us with over 10,000 urists worth of these things, including 30 barrels of alcohol. I am impressed and pleased. We will throw a fortress wide party for you. Your ruler will get quite the bonus that I'm sure some will be divested your way.
Also do you know what happened to the elves? They brought us 'cultivated' wood last year that this mountainous terrain lacks as well as berries and booze and left alive and wealthier for not wasting my time with oversized cloth armors and useless trinkets. But this year I hadn't had a single trader since the last from Mountainhome.
~Overseer Corwyn
Suspects foul goblish tamperings with the flow of riches in the kingdoms.
Post by: Ninjamestari on September 09, 2011, 02:05:46 pm
When I told you to retreat from your shooting tower I meant it. It's your own fault that goblin elite bowman nailed you while you were shooting his minions. Well, at least one of you obeyed and survived the ambush. He shall become the leader of my grand new squad!
-The boss of our great military base
Post by: Greiger on September 10, 2011, 05:09:15 pm
As you know we recently captured and tamed a female basilisk. These make excellent war creatures, however we need to breed some extras before we can deploy them, and due to racial circumstances we need to do so with an airlock system. Which means we need a volunteer to be sealed away for years with the beast. Free food and board will be provided. Please see the mayor for more information.
The Administration
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To all residents,
It seems nobody volunteered to be locked into a small room with a number of smelly horny reptiles, I am disappointed in your lack of any sense of duty.
In other news we are starting a contest, first resident to reach the newly constructed basilisk pen and sleep in the shiny new bed constructed there gets a date with an attractive young female that may or may not last for an eternity. Better hurry!
P.S. Military or otherwise useful residents do not qualify, sorry.
The Administration
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Caestra Shinplay, animal caretaker,
Congratulations on winning the date, I noticed you are already married? Marriage not working out I guess?
Anyway you may have noticed the external door has been locked, you may have also noticed the 10 years worth of food and the well in the corner. You may have also noticed the very large venomous reptile locked in the room with you. Don't worry, she's tame.
Please finish construction of that nest box in the corner so that she may start producing eggs. Yes I know there is no male basilisk in the room. I have observed that they somehow manage to produce useable eggs anyway. I don't know how that happens and I don't think I want to know, however your wife and children have already been informed of your death in an unfortunate soap making mishap.
The administration.
Post by: Table Turning on September 10, 2011, 05:51:55 pm
Do you really require the entire population's worth of gibbons and chimps to follow you?
It freaks out the other dwarfs when you bring them to the keg party.
Signed-Worried Overseer
Dear local chimp hoarders:
Nevermind, your pet chimps just mauled an entire squad of goblin bowmen. Thank you.
Signed-Grateful Overseer
Post by: bran34 on September 11, 2011, 12:00:00 am
While I understand that Groundhogs are rather small animals, it should -never- take four crossbow bolts to kill one. Especially when it ruptures said groundhog's intestine. All this does it fill your after-hunt paperwork with THE GROUNDHOG WRETCHES, THE GROUNDHOG VOMITS, THE GROUNDHOG WRETCHES, THE GROUNDHOG VOMITS.
- Yours truly, the Overlord.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear UristMcOverZealousCaptain
Yes, the Groundhog in the letter I sent to our Fortress's hunter may have needed to be euthanized, but did you -really- have to chop it's head off? I mean, come on... I really didn't need to know that you stabbed a poor groundhog in the neck and severed it's head. That's a little gruesome, don't you think, Urist?
-Yours Truly, The Overlord.
Post by: Ross Vernal on September 11, 2011, 12:12:51 am
Kill Goblin is not advice, it is an order. Just because he is in water that is 3/7 is no reason to ignore him.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 12, 2011, 06:34:53 am
If you want to loiter around here, please be so kind as to eat those four untrained, unarmed, unarmored, should-be-naked-but-they're-ignoring-that dwarves that I sent to attack you. Don't die instead!
Sincerely,
Trying to get rid of several totally useless migrants.
Post by: Clutzy on September 12, 2011, 10:14:10 am
There will be an upcoming seminar on "Finish your work" that's mandatory for all of you, even the ones active with stone detailing. This is in reaction to the amount of half-finished walls for many of the bedrooms that are needed. As guilt apparently hasn't worked, by the constant reminders and mandates that there is much overcrowding, homeless, and general crotchiness, so yes the walls *do* need finished sooner than later, management has decided on a more drastic attempt. Business seminar boredom. The content of the seminar will be engaging in discussion while keeping dorfy PC fashion about why walls need to be finished instead of deciding to have a meal and pretend it's finished. We expect the next images Engravers put up all be about your supplication to doing your job instead of being Urist Mc-Let's-Homeless-Run-Rampants.
Post by: Mr Frog on September 15, 2011, 06:27:51 pm
Several of you have filed complaints recently regarding the sudden cessation of food and drink deliveries to your posts. We apologize for this inconvenience. Since assigning each of you a satchel of food and a waterskin, we have been operating under the assumption that you are not so ridiculously lazy as to wait for food to be brought to you instead of opening your bag and getting some yourself. Apparently, we were incorrect in this assumption.
As we do not wish to force any dwarf into a job s/he does not find comfortable, anyone else who complains about this will be promptly removed from military service and assigned the task of inspecting the construction of our entry tunnel magma trap.
While it is running.
With Love,
Your Kind and Just Ruler.
Post by: azrael4h on September 15, 2011, 10:59:34 pm
You dug that alcove out specifically so you could stand away from the impending collapse of the platform I was using to breach the aquifer. Not on the platform, sending yourself down 4 z levels to a watery grave. Thanks for the tantrum spiral ***hole.
Post by: Tiruin on September 16, 2011, 04:30:06 am
You are one of the founding seven, the eldest and most experienced miner in the fortress. Your skills and character truly make a dwarf, one who works until tired and takes very little time on breaks. Your speed and skill with the pick are unmatched, and you have proven it against not one, not two but FIVE armed goblins in a siege.
Remember that small Ruby cluster I asked you to dig out topside? I think I forgot to assign a warning level to my scouts to alert all civilians. Many were slaughtered that day, only very few made it back under the earth. I panicked and as the floor hatch swung shut I searched for any noise outside.
I kept on hearing some dwarves screaming something that sounded like cancel design or something. I took a peep from my crystal glass window and saw you, alone in the quarry. A whole squad of gobbo's were heading towards you.
All was lost so I sent out a militia force to save you. Apparently, you didn't need saving...
A report from one of the scouts told me of what you've done. Emptying a nearby murky pool to slow down and break the enemy formation and then enter a martial trance with a pick!
For everything I said about you and your kin, I take it back. You have shown me what it takes to be a dwarf.
And, sorry if I nearly got you killed. We're all right with that right?
-Militia Commander/Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 17, 2011, 07:21:35 pm
Next time I turn off most of your labors so you can go diagnose someone, please let me know that I forgot to turn on your diagnosis labor.
My fault,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 18, 2011, 07:54:19 am
You have diagnosis on. You "find helping others rewarding" and are "willing to compromise with others." Diagnose the patient that's missing a foot already!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Alloran on September 18, 2011, 12:29:24 pm
Dear Urist McChiefMedicalDwarf,
You have diagnosis on. You "find helping others rewarding" and are "willing to compromise with others." Diagnose the patient that's missing a foot already!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Overseer GWG
C'mon now Boss, both you and me know what's wrong with the fella, he's missin' a foot! Don't take a doctor to tell you that. Now I'm gonna go have a drink while he figures out how to stumble around of there's nothing else ya need.
-Urist Mc
Post by: Vehudur on September 18, 2011, 12:31:44 pm
Sock syndrome.
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on September 18, 2011, 12:39:45 pm
Dwarves, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING IDIOTS.Dear Unnamed Overseer,
Sock syndrome.
I do believe your dwarves have the "Sockholm Syndrome". Please administer equal doses of magma to the source of the syndrome.
Sincerely,
Urist McOchberg
Post by: Hitty40 on September 18, 2011, 02:33:35 pm
Have you even realized we don't make glass here?
The Overseer
Post by: DrKillPatient on September 18, 2011, 02:45:05 pm
I do believe you've just two-shot KO'd a cave dragon. A swift blow to the leg, it passes out, and you perform an instant lobotomy. Good work.
Dear Avuz Canyonsplashed, dragonfodder,
Oh stop whining, he only took off your left foot. Now get up and climb the 70z stairs to the doctor's waiting room, he's certainly not going to come down there for you, your blood-curdling screams probably can't even be heard from down there!
EDIT:
Avuz, I'm not really sure why no one is picking you up. I see you've just been attacked by a cave crawler, which took your left arm before getting axed in the tail and running off... Well, you'll be alright! It's just a flesh wound.
EDIT 2:
Aha, Dr. Erush Grouprings finally dragged you upstairs just as you were about to starve. If you survive this ordeal, you'll be the most limbless member of the fortress. Wear the title proudly.
EDIT 3: Indeed, he's survived. His title is now "Two-Limbed Aberration".
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 18, 2011, 04:52:28 pm
Dear Urist McChiefMedicalIdiot,Dear Urist McChiefMedicalDwarf,
You have diagnosis on. You "find helping others rewarding" and are "willing to compromise with others." Diagnose the patient that's missing a foot already!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Overseer GWG
C'mon now Boss, both you and me know what's wrong with the fella, he's missin' a foot! Don't take a doctor to tell you that. Now I'm gonna go have a drink while he figures out how to stumble around of there's nothing else ya need.
-Urist Mctoolazytogetacrutchchiefmedicaldwarf
No matter the injury, even if it is a scratch that heals within a week, as soon as the patient is brought into the hospital area he needs to be diagnosed before anything can be done. So hurry up. Obligatory threats involving magma.
Sincerely,
GWG.
Post by: Crustypeanut on September 18, 2011, 05:10:16 pm
It has come to my attention that you disagree with my medical practices. Surely, where you learned your medical skills did not involve experimentation of SCIENCE for the benefit of all dwarfkind. Nor is it necessary for you to point out the indwarfane way I go about testing.
For your information, dropping test subjects off of One to Twenty Story launch pads is the most dwarfane way of obtaining the relative ratio of dwarven survivability in the face of extreme gravity.
Also, for your information, complaining about the two young children playing around on the landing pad, covered in the blood of their fellows and playing 'dress up the half-emaciated lamb' with the clothes of the deceased isn't necessary. Children will be children, and any other complaints will have to be directed towards their mother, Nurse Helene. I'm sure she'll be happy to give you an extra dose of tranquilizer for the occasion.
Please abstain from complaining about your treatment here at Ganadstot. Its not my, or anyone else's fault you've had the nerve to survive more experimental drops than anyone else. You could've been one of the tests that confirmed the high casualty rate from three story drops. But no, you had to be the experiment's only survivor. Live to test another day, and all that sort of thing.
And for the last time, quit complaining about needing a wheelchair. I don't even know what those are. You're perfectly capable of climbing the ten stories to your quarters, even with that lower spine injury of yours that caused your permanent loss of being able to stand.
Your Benefactor and Chief Medical Officer of Ganadstot,
Dr. Logum, Ph. Dwarf
Post by: Jake on September 18, 2011, 05:46:47 pm
Dear UristMcGlassMandater:
Have you even realized we don't make glass here?
The Overseer
Dear Overseer,
Yes, I have. That's why I'm mandating some.
UristMcGlassMandator.
(Seriously, half a dozen bags of sand won't cost much and you must have one or two idle hands to put on the job. Let him have a couple of glass statues in his bedroom or something.)
Post by: Vehudur on September 18, 2011, 06:45:18 pm
Post by: Necro910 on September 18, 2011, 07:06:13 pm
Fixed that for you.Dear UristMcGlassMandater:
Have you even realized we don't make glass here?
The Overseer
Dear Overseer,
Yes, I have. That's why I'm mandating some.
UristMcGlassMandator.
(Seriously, half a dozen bags of sand won't cost much and you must have one or two idle hands to put on the job. Let him have a couple of glass floodgates in his bedroom or something.)
Post by: Jake on September 18, 2011, 07:45:30 pm
Dear Armok,
I realise all these extra aspects of you are pulling in the numbers, but our chances for meeting the criteria for all those tax breaks in Dunmanifestin would still go up significantly if more of your worshippers lived to a ripe old age. You might want to consider a commandment along the lines of "Thou shalt not make impossible mandates".
As would recruiting a few more Avatars who actually feel responsible for keeping the ornery little buggers alive and reasonably happy no matter how irritating they can be. Just sayin'.
Yours,
Avatar No. 2717281, "Jake".
Post by: azrael4h on September 19, 2011, 02:47:18 am
When I tell you to activate and go stand by the workshops near the nutcase demanding rock, I don't mean stand and admire the new well elsewhere. If you wish to be chunked down the well, that can be arranged, just make sure to leave your axe behind.
Post by: Hitty40 on September 19, 2011, 08:05:53 am
When there's 4 Goblin Bowmasters out in front of the walls, don't just sit there, get the hell back inside!
-non-mourning overseer
Post by: Melissia on September 19, 2011, 08:07:27 am
Post by: Theifofdreams on September 19, 2011, 03:06:57 pm
There be gold in them thar hills. ... Well, maybe not gold, but wealth to be certain. And it seems to call us...
Urist mcMigrant
Dear Urist Mccorpsehauler:
Yes. The socks are very interesting. But the sheer number of complaints about hauntings I've been getting, including several from you, mean I need you to haul the bodies first, and come back to the cave in/mass grave for the clothing of the recently, and suddenly, deceased after the corpses have been buried. If you do not, I'm sure someone else will be happy to do your job in your place, and will probably get the pleasant task of hauling you to your grave first.
-your angry, haunted, Overseer.
Post by: Roraborialisforealis on September 19, 2011, 05:06:52 pm
You blessed my 7 miners ideology of military, The miners came to the surface naked with pick and sword in hand and demolished a 32 goblin army without injury. I am glad with your decision to side with strength over gear and training has turned out this way. It makes my life easy.
Now could the miners stop going berserk over Olin cat getting its paw chopped off? Its the only negative mood he has and I am very confused. I would like the casualtys to stay below 70.
-From your loyal servant. Roraborialis.
Post by: Melissia on September 19, 2011, 05:38:52 pm
Dear questioning overseer:Dear Urist mcMigrant,
There be gold in them thar hills. ... Well, maybe not gold, but wealth to be certain. And it seems to call us...
Urist mcMigrant
Welcome to the militia. Here's your maple training axe and spider silk cloth hat. Now let's go hunting trolls.
-- Melissia
Post by: Manae on September 25, 2011, 10:06:12 am
Dear Urist mcMigrant,
Welcome to the militia. Here's your maple training axe and spider silk cloth hat. Now let's go hunting trolls.
-- Melissia
Dear Overseer Melissia:
Well, tha' was fun. Blighter got meh a few times wit' 'is fists, but they jus' glanced off me nice hat.
It may 'ave taken a wee bit, but I go' 'em all for ye!
-- Urise McLegendaryAxedwarf
Post by: Melissia on September 25, 2011, 10:26:41 am
Congratulations! You are now a valuable member of this fortress. This means that, though you will still be sent on suicide missions for the good of the fortress, you will receive one (1) 3x3 bedroom, smoothed and engraved by the many not-so-valuable members of the fortress. As empty bedrooms are not useful to the fortress, you will also be provided with with one (1) finely crafted fungiwood bed, one (1) finely crafted limestone throne, one (1) finely crafted limestone table, one (1) finely crafted limestone coffer, and four (4) finely crafted limestone statues.
Upon completion of an additional feat to the benefit of the fortress, you will be assigned one (1) finely crafted silver sarcophagus and associated 3x3 burial chamber. If you do not manage to complete an additional feat before you die, you will be buried in a communal chamber.
You are also permitted to eat and drink from the BLUE barrels now. You are still not permitted to eat or drink from the BLACK barrels. If the BLUE barrels run out, you are permitted to drink from the RED barrels, and eat from the GREEN barrels. If you are caught drinking from the GREEN barrels, you will be flogged. If you are caught eating from the RED barrels, you will be flogged, and then beaten. If you are caught allowing the food in the BLUE barrels to go rotten, you will be flogged, and then beaten, and then imprisoned.
If you are caught eating and/or drinking from the BLACK barrels, no punishment will be necessary, and may Armok have mercy on your soul.
-- Overseer Melissia
Post by: Hobbie on September 25, 2011, 12:30:09 pm
That alder training axe really isn't all that great. Wouldn't you prefer this sweet steel one instead?
Post by: Samuel on September 25, 2011, 01:31:34 pm
I hate to interrupt you while you're so busy going insane and killing each other, but there's another poison gas-spewing Forgotten Beast coming. Yes, another one. The second before you could even butcher the Hill Titan that set the world on fire and then killed so many of you that you needed the goblins to save you.
Clearly Armok wants you all dead. Who am I to interfere? If any of you manage to stay alive and sane, the food stockpile is all yours, as well as the job of cleaning up a hundred rotting carcasses before the ghosts kill you. Best of luck.
-Samuel
Post by: A Spoony Bard on September 25, 2011, 03:23:13 pm
I couldn't help but notice you though it would be funny to destroy the floodgate holding back the fort's magma in a fit of rage. Luckily we forsaw this and walled you in with the magma. Who's laughing now, you bastard?
Post by: Specter513 on September 25, 2011, 04:52:47 pm
If you ever let a naked goblin prisoner escape the fort again, I will personally box you up in a 3x3 room with obsidian walls, take all your gear, and let you go to the circus naked.
Love,
Your Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 25, 2011, 10:22:14 pm
You should try to stagger your breaks better. I know rest is important, but if 6/14 citizens break at once, it wreaks havok on our productivity. Especially if one of you is the main factor in two major industries and two of you are main factors in one major industry (each).
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold.
Post by: kardwill on September 26, 2011, 04:05:54 am
While I appreciate that you are the first of knifereign's crafters not to make an artefact Goose Bone Scepter (seriously, guys? 3 of them?), you might have notices that this fortress was quite low-key : Few metals, no statues, no engravings, public dormitories, only just enough craft to get what we need from the caravans... Our goal was to avoid overlarge migrants waves and goblins for a few years.
Your decision to grab the only gold bar in the whole fortress, and make a gem-encrusted golden menacing spike, worth 3 times the wealth of the entire fort (jumping it from 100000 to 400000) may thus not have been the most intelligent choice.
Well, at least, we've now got a legendary weaponsmith to craft all the weapons we'll need to fend off the greenskins yer stupid artefact will lure, and a really fancy (although ineffective) trap for the front door...
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on September 26, 2011, 07:31:14 am
Re: The Tantrum Spiral
I know a lot of you seem to be unhappy with the regular massacres by goblins and watching the militia bash in your friends heads with their hammers. However, i have one thing to say; the beatings will continue until moral improves or you all stop giving a damn. That is all.
Post by: Melissia on September 26, 2011, 08:01:35 am
Please stop mandating so many things in so quick a succession. I understand that being a noble means that your life is empty and meaningless, but our lives are not, so you should simply put up with it.
As per your request, you are permitted to drink from the BLACK barrels. You are permitted to invite Urist McDiplomat and Urist McLegendaryManicDepressiveAxeDwarf to your party.
On that note, your burial chamber is finished as per your demands.
My regards,
-- Overseer Melissia
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 26, 2011, 09:01:47 pm
I had a population of 14. You sent me a migrant wave of TWENTY-FUCKING-TWO. Fifteen of them are being sent on a suicide mission to kill an alligator, which will be followed by several such missions. If you have a lye maker surplus, okay, but make your own deathtraps to deal with them, I lack the infrastructure. Of course, now that you tried to TRIPLE my population, I might have to build one, but still, I'd rather spend by dorfpower on bedrooms or my awesome 3-D entrance trail or something. Oh, and my manager doesn't quite have an office yet.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer
Dear Urist McRecruit,
Go back, you stinking elf! You're a coward and a liar! I know your left upper arm can't be running with blood because an alligator ripped it off!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr
[Insert similar notes to a dwarf missing an arm and a foot, and one with a slightly ripped leg.]
Dear Mirrorjointed, alligator,
You aren't trying hard enough. Those dwarves shouldn't have a chance. Deal with the bruises and come back over here! Free munchies!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr
Dear carps,
Wanna join your Brother Gator in a fight against those dwarves bleeding into your river?
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr
Dear Urists McDoomeds,
Go stand over there. Fight all the carp you see.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McWhiny,
You have a torn-open leg. Get out there with your comrades who are missing limbs.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. See that skeleton? That's the last guy who spent all of his time resting. He had a worse injury.
Post by: Roraborialisforealis on September 26, 2011, 10:23:22 pm
Dear Urist McNoblepantsDon't have them fight. Their bragging will cause a tantrum spiral.
Please stop mandating so many things in so quick a succession. I understand that being a noble means that your life is empty and meaningless, but our lives are not, so you should simply put up with it.
As per your request, you are permitted to drink from the BLACK barrels. You are permitted to invite Urist McDiplomat and Urist McLegendaryManicDepressiveAxeDwarf to your party.
On that note, your burial chamber is finished as per your demands.
My regards,
-- Overseer Melissia
Post by: Hitty40 on September 27, 2011, 08:02:39 am
When running away from Gobbos, you run the way TOWARDS the fortress wall for safety, not running away near the river and dodging into the water.
-The Overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on September 27, 2011, 08:28:46 am
Dear Urist McDrownedGuy,
When running away from Gobbos, you run the way TOWARDS the fortress wall for safety, not running away near the river and dodging into the water.
-The Overseer
Dear: The Overseer
Couldn't take life as a Dwarf, thought i'd try it as a Carp so i could be feared by all.
Sincerely Urist
Post by: Iton Ibrukrithzam on September 27, 2011, 03:19:53 pm
A wide array of traps, drawbridges and militiadwarves have been installed at the gates to our fort, so that you may be kept safe from goblin attacks. These do precious little good when you insist on taking your breaks in the middle of a field.
Thanks,
you uncaring God.
Post by: Teronsuke on September 27, 2011, 03:28:36 pm
I appreciate your enthusiasm to sleep in the dirt and to always kill your target unless you somehow run out of bolts, but would you PLEASE stop hunting down all of the female yaks? I would love to capture and tame one so our Yak Bull we started with could be useful and start making us some baby Yaks for meat/ambush finding with their faces.
-Your overlord, Teron
Post by: Oaktree on September 27, 2011, 07:16:46 pm
The area around Windmirrors has previously been posted as a War Zone following the first goblin siege. This means that you do not loiter when approaching, or panic regarding a few vultures trying to raid our crops. We do appreciate your crossbowman helping out, but we also think he should have saved his bolts for that 4-squad goblin siege that appeared right after you.
And your delay left you being attacked from three sides. At which point you went into a brainless frenzy and scattered rather than circle the camels and try for a direct run to the access tunnel where there was relative safety. Therefore eleven of you lie in shallow graves amidst the bones of our desert landscape.
Dear Goblin Elite Crossbowman,
Yes, we saw those two wonderful head shots you got on our dwarven worshipers of the Sock God. And you are a wonderful dodger of traps as well it seems. Well, up until the one serrated glass disc took the top of your head off. You can't win them all. And I'm sure your squad enjoyed being led into those traps as well - though they did not seem to get as far.
Dear Urist McBullseye,
We have no idea what you ran out into that bolt crossfire for. If you didn't have a family and friends we would leave your bones out there with the goblins and humans to be picked at by the vultures.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 27, 2011, 08:12:56 pm
I know I told your kind that you could kill dwarves that approached you without consequence. However, two distinctions:
1. The dwarves that are O.K. to kill are unarmed so as to reduce the risk to you.
2. Those dwarves are running at you or lying on the ground moaning in pain, not chopping at trees or running from you screaming.
You killed my woodcutter/broker/manager/bookkeeper/etc. He was useful. He had an AXE and was running FROM you! You have refused to face dwarves WITHOUT axes that were running AT you!
I hope you now understand why my actual militia, which has weapons and armor, will be running at you and killing you.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Vengeful Overseer.
Post by: AnimaRytak on September 27, 2011, 09:43:27 pm
Please stop drinking in the prison.
There's a booze room in the hallway before the prison. Go drink there.
I told you hoopleheads that you could sit around thumbing your bums in the dining hall. Why do you feel the need to relax in the most inane places? Such as maintenance corridors or axle channels? Or worse, outside the stinkin' fort?
And to the Dutchess,
You've had eight freakin kids last time I counted. Put a hat on it!
Sincerely,
AnimaRytak
Edit:
(Is it bad that the fortress jail is a nicer place to drink than the dining hall?)
Post by: Greiger on September 27, 2011, 09:50:43 pm
Post by: AnimaRytak on September 27, 2011, 09:53:06 pm
Well maybe they are very nice chains?
Silver chains actually. I wanted my miscreants to be happy.
Perhaps I need more decor in the dining hall. Engravings of elephants and goblins in the fetal position only go so far I suppose.
Post by: Vehudur on September 27, 2011, 10:28:08 pm
Post by: Oaktree on September 28, 2011, 10:39:11 pm
We have *lots* of gold. 200 bars in the treasury. Gold furniture in your rooms. Piles of unsmelted nuggets in the storage room. Veins of it still in the rock in the mining galleries.
So we fail to be amused that you ban exports of gold items *after* the broker has traded goblets to the Mountainhomes that were forged three years ago. Not to mention he traded the lower quality ones and kept the better ones for the private dining chambers, such as yours.
And we are less amused that you have sentenced 10% of the fortress population for violating this after the fact mandate. And since our cells only currently hold two it has been noticed that your orders have led to our master glassmaker, master armorer, and mayor being bludgeoned by metal crossbows wielded by guards cross-trained as hammer dwarves. >:(
Your rooms will get an additional gold lever installed shortly. Feel free to gather your entire family there and pull the lever the next time you feel the urge to have justice done.
Post by: Theifofdreams on September 28, 2011, 11:30:45 pm
Yes. Your lot in life is a harsh, boring one, full of the mindless drudgery of hauling stone from the mines.
No, this does not mean you get to take extra breaks, or go outside.
On second thought, since you decided to go outside in the middle of a siege, right before the drawbridge closed, make sure to enjoy every last moment, as I'm reasonably certain your last moment will be along shortly.
Sincerely, your incredibly frustrated and amused overseer
Post by: Hitty40 on September 29, 2011, 08:04:15 am
You DO realize this fortress was founded to supply the Mountainhome's military with fresh socks, correct? The only reason there is a Mason's Workshop is to make rock blocks, and you decide to take it over and make a stone scepter instead of a stone sock. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
-The Overseer
Post by: Jake on September 29, 2011, 01:47:34 pm
Dear Urist McScepterArtifactCreator, of Sockdreams,
You DO realize this fortress was founded to supply the Mountainhome's military with fresh socks, correct? The only reason there is a Mason's Workshop is to make rock blocks, and you decide to take it over and make a stone scepter instead of a stone sock. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
-The Overseer
Dear Overseer,
The same reason our entire economy is based around making socks. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Urist.
Post by: Teh_Havvers on September 29, 2011, 04:49:27 pm
Please refrain from hunting on the surface while I am conducting a test-firing of Firepillar's pressurized magma defense system. While yes you might be on the other side of the map you are decidedly NOT fire-proof and we're in the middle of a grassy plain.
Thanks,
Overseer Havvers
Post by: Hitty40 on September 29, 2011, 05:07:38 pm
Dear Urist McScepterArtifactCreator, of Sockdreams,
You DO realize this fortress was founded to supply the Mountainhome's military with fresh socks, correct? The only reason there is a Mason's Workshop is to make rock blocks, and you decide to take it over and make a stone scepter instead of a stone sock. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
-The Overseer
Dear Overseer,
The same reason our entire economy is based around making socks. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Urist.
Dear Urist,
Please do not argue back about our sock-conomy. If you continue, I will personally rip off your left arm and both your legs and throw you with the rest of the demons that we recently discovered.
Post by: Tevish Szat on September 29, 2011, 05:10:16 pm
While I appreciate your promptness when ordered to remove floor from the edge of the highest level of our monument tower, please remember that when doing so, it would be best if you did not stand on a floor that was being removed by the dwarf next to you. You got off in the nick of time this time, but if it happens again you could easily fall eleven stories to spatter on the ground, and no one wants that. It would get blood all over the base of the monument tower.
- Your Overseer
Dear Urist McDemoman
I don't care if you have a grudge against Urist McLivesontheedge, don't try to break the floor out from under him. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get blood stains off a monument tower?! Seriously.
-Your Overseer
Post by: Mrhappyface on September 29, 2011, 09:46:07 pm
I know you're best bro died, but c'mon! You're my only miner man! You get 5*5 rooms filled with gold statues and furniture! You have a private dining room! I even got plenty mollusks and sunshine for you! But nooooo, you have to be all emo and sulk in the lower mines! For Armok's sake man, no one blames you! But they will if you're emo faggotry condemns this Fort!
-The Overmind
Post by: purpl monstr on September 29, 2011, 10:27:33 pm
You were a great militia commander, the squad you trained made quick work of any goblins and camels that snuck through our traps. I was so happy for you when you were elected mayor, after the unfortunate murder of your predecessor(s).
While I understand that you were elected because you promised to end the chaos currently engulfing the fort, your methods were just too extreme. That lovely steel spear I bought for you tasted the blood of almost a third of the fort. In your berserk rage, you even slaughtered your own children! Well congratulations, you were successful, the dwarves of StreamSpiral have once again had their fill of bloodshed, and the second great tantrum spiral is ended. If the five shell shocked survivors ever get around to cleaning everything, they'll be throwing your corpse in the river.
-The Dark Overlord
Post by: krg on September 30, 2011, 10:39:13 pm
Please stop claiming jobs that you think you can do. You cant. You only have your left arm remaining. It takes you Forever to get anywhere, Forever to do the simple job of 'Remove construction' then Forever to drag your self back. Please curl up in the meeting area up top and tell stories to the younger children about how you lost both legs and your right arm. I know I for one would love to know.
Thank You,
Your Frustrated Overseer.
Post by: AnimaRytak on October 01, 2011, 02:36:23 am
You are a god damn God of War. You, alone, could probably slay 20 goblins without a single injury.
How the hell do you drown in a murky pool?
Signed,
-Your Goddamn Boss
Post by: Hitty40 on October 01, 2011, 08:14:55 am
Dear Legendary Axe Dwarf,
You are a god damn God of War. You, alone, could probably slay 20 goblins without a single injury.
How the hell do you drown in a murky pool?
Signed,
-Your Goddamn Boss
Dear Goddamn Boss,
As much as you would think I am, I am not. In fact, I just couldn't handle life anymore. My friends have died over the years, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought suicide was the best way.
-Spirit of Urist McLegendaryAxeDwarf
Post by: krg on October 01, 2011, 09:45:56 pm
When I tell you to go kill the stupid orge that the dogs are keeping contained, this is not the time for a flippin' NAP!!! It's time to go put your axe swinging skills to good use and pretend that the ogre is a tree and make logs out of it. Now move!!
Your overlord,
Krg
Post by: Greiger on October 01, 2011, 11:08:51 pm
For 2 years in a row, nothing but females. You show up rare enough as it is but you have to have some males someplace. I have a tame female sitting penned up in my fortress that could really use some spores sent in the direction of her ladylizard parts.
Since you are all incredibly dangerous, and enjoy picking off my beekeepers the few days of the year you are actually present, I'm afraid I am forgoing my usual policy of ignoring the wildlife, and I'm going to slaughter every single one of you that don't have male bits that show up on the map until one of you knock up "Ms. Stoney" Nothing personal, But I want my army of metal scaled deadly paralytic war lizards.
The administration of LostGame, Dracon Mountainhome.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Female Wyvern,
I totally thought I modded you guys to only show up in evil mountains. Seems I forgot the evil tag. Anyway while you are here mind flying into one of those cage traps conveniently scattered about the wilderness? I probably won't have much better luck breeding you than I am the basilisk, since y'all are even rarer, but more variety in my large poison lizard army couldn't hurt.
The administration of LostGame, (that one place you are hovering over)
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 02, 2011, 03:29:58 am
Sincerely;
Your confused Overlord.
Post by: Tiruin on October 02, 2011, 04:43:30 am
To the Dwarves of SwordThunders. How the hell does at least one of you drop dead of either thirst or hunger per month when your homes are about 20-30 paces from the food storage room? Especially when it's full of both food AND alcohol?! Not to mention the well on the level below.
Sincerely;
Your confused Overlord.
Dear Overlord.
I'm starving and dehydrated but I've clear mind enough to write you this. I don't know why but maybe you locked the door to the larder or made a burrow and put us in it. Without access.
That or you made a ramp that doesn't go the right way, we may have no passage to it.
Yours Truly,
...Hungry
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 02, 2011, 05:13:30 am
There are no ramps, locked doors or burrows of any kind on the main habitation level. You're doing this all to yourself and I, for once, am quite confused by your strange behaviour.
Sincerely
The (still) Confused Overlord.
Post by: Coreyrn on October 02, 2011, 07:07:08 am
I thought it would be a good idea to let you hunt done some animals. Guess you shouldn't have angered that boar. Fortress Population is now down to 6.
-Your expedition leader
Dear Urist McTheOtherOnes,
why did you try to gang up on that alligator without weapons? Fortress Population down to: 4
And you, yes you the remaining minder, why did you dodge this badger only to drown in the river? Population: 3
-Your soon not anymore expedition leader
Post by: Gr33kjester on October 02, 2011, 08:49:36 am
I know you hate the Nobels, but flood their rooms (and others) with magma is not acceptable, I am now going to put you up against the Legendary Wrestler (who's cat you killed) who is now having a tantrum,
Have fun!
Comrade Boss
Post by: Greiger on October 02, 2011, 09:27:15 am
There are three goblin ambush squads on the map. Your guards are fighting them valiantly so that you may get into the safety of the fortress, their heroism will become the stuff of legends.
Why do you get within one tile of the safety of the entrance and then turn around and flee the other way because you see a buzzard? The buzzard is scared of you too and flew away, but you are fleeing from the buzzard directly into the pikes of the goblin army.
...And your diplomat just arrived on map in the middle of the big melee between your guards and the majority of the goblin army. You know what? If this is the kind of stupidity I should expect from your kind I will be happy to shred you all when you get pissy about your diplomat dying. Despite the name of our fortress it contains the largest, most well equipped and well trained military I have had the honor to command. I will just see it as you trading us slightly used armor and XP for awhile.
The Administration of LostGame
EDIT:
To the merchant guards of the human caravan.
Oh wow, you destroyed those goblins something fierce. You routed them before the fortress military could get there, saved 6 out of 7 merchants, protected your dumbass law giver/diplomat and only took one casualty of your own despite 3 to 1 odds. The merchants went melancholy with the loss of their fellow and won't be trading this year, but it's nice to see that at least some members of your species have two brain cells to rub together.
The safety of your law giver ensures diplomacy won't collapse, congratulations on a job well done, hope to see you next year.
The administration of LostGame.
P.S.
Quote
The flying ({mithril arrow}) strikes The Buzzard in the right lower leg, fracturing the bone!
A motor nerve has been severed, a ligament has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The Buzzard falls over.
The Buzzard gives in to pain.
The Buzzard slams into an obstacle and blows apart!
Nice shot.
Post by: MadocComadrin on October 02, 2011, 10:16:05 pm
I'm not sure why you thought it was wise to stand underneath the animal powered watch tower as it was being brought down (granted, it was ill-placed in the beginning), but it netted all four of you as well as Urist McDeadDoctor's infant an early grave.
You're lucky I was thinking ahead in Fortress happiness, or else you four would have caused a tantrum spiral. Rest in peace for now, 'cause when it's my time, I'm going to knock all of your ghostly teeth out!
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 03, 2011, 05:22:17 am
Sod off. The way in is a floorhatch that's been locked, so there's no way you lot are coming inside. Every year you turn up on my doorstep, sit and scratch your collective rears, and then either leave, or a single squad of militiadwarves slaughters you all. This year you've turned up in your largest numbers yet. If this were a convention or public event, I'd be happy. As it's not, I'm somewhat annoyed. Enjoy your corpse-laden doorstep, hoopleheads. If you start building a little town for yourselves, I'm gonna start charging rent.
Sincerely;
The Overseer of Swordthunders.
Post by: Shinotsa on October 03, 2011, 01:15:12 pm
While I had low hopes for you when you were recruited into the militia you seem to have single handedly saved the fortress from a goblin invasion. While the unarmed migrant forces were cut down like so much wheat by a scythe in the cavern tunnel you charged headlong into the goblin forces before any of your well armed colleagues had picked up their equipment. Sadly due to what I can only assume to be an issue with finding robes for their uniforms, your colleagues continued to pick up their equipment while you were being stabbed repeatedly with goblin spears. A season later the militia was fully armed and caame to you rescue, only to be cut down by the goblins which I can only imagine had become expert spear users during the season of stabbing at your armor. A golden tomb was built in your honor and the entire population was either conscripted or ordered to churn out whatever weapons and armor they could. A season later you were still valiently holding them in that dank tunnel, slipping in and out of conciousness, hungry, thirsty, and half dead. Then, as you heard the entire fortress let out a warcry as they charged up to your rescue you knew that your job was done and you slipped away from us to be with your ancestors. The goblins were immediately routed and pushed away from your unconcious form, and though the field medics were unburrowed and rushed to your aid, they headed away from the hospital and took you to your tomb instead to place you at your watch over the platinum sarcophogi that will someday house the baron. Please enjoy your accomodations henceforth, as they were already built when I overheard that you had a preference for elves and I didn't have the heart to take them away from you.
-Sincerely, your soft hearted overseer
Dear Urist McLegend, the massive title of slaying
Why are you standing on the armor rack/forges not moving, saying that you cannot follow orders? Your conduct has earned you many suspensions of pay and your position as the commander of our military has been removed multiple times, though your combat prowess and previous experience continue to win it back. However as Urist McRecruit lay dying, being battered for months on end by a horde of angry goblins, you alone of your squad insisted that, standing in a perfectly accessible area with no doors, bridges, or any other possible obstructions in the way, that you could not follow your orders and save Urist McRecruit, nor your squad that rushed to their death at the hands of said goblins. Of the entire fort, you along with the baron and the migrant expert strand extractor were the only people who were not involved in the battle of the newly dubbed McRecruit Tunnel. Your position as commander has been revoked, and you are now the only member of the watch squad, who's sole purpose is to stand at the gate with the cougars and war dogs and serve as the last line of defense against the fortress. Enjoy your new post and docked pay.
- Your Exasperated Overseer
Dear Urist McEngraver
Urist McRecruit held off an entire siege worth of goblins for almost two seasons with nothing but his body and his trusty set of steel armor. Now I know you're not a fan of elves, but could you please engrave McRecruit SOMWHERE on our dining room wall, seeing as how you've engraved that one human killing elves at least fifteen times so far. Oh wait... those are all different elves? You mean he slaughtered an entire town of elves on his own? Hmm, screw McRecruit. Engrave a declaration of war against the humans and set up the cage traps, I think I've found the star of our arena.
Sincerely
-Your frantically plotting overseer
Post by: krg on October 03, 2011, 06:23:33 pm
I am truly sorry that when I embarked some cavern sections collapsed and now you have a route to the surface.
Could you please let me have a frame rate higher then 2 (when its going quick)?
This will be much appreciated and I will be able to do something.
Thank You,
Your Humble "Servant" (Please don't kill me),
Krg.
P.S. Or is it the 2000 level spike of slade in the corner of the map doing this?
Any comments that don't end in my fortress ending will be appreciated.
------
Dear HFS,
Thank you for your quick reply to my last letter.
Frame rate at a whopping 6 now.
Krg
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 04, 2011, 10:50:08 am
I do realize that you and your friends are embarked in a freezing biome, and the next
I'm tired of cancellation spam.
Not amused,
Your overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 04, 2011, 10:54:04 am
Dear UristMacReady,
I do realize that you and your friends are embarked in a freezing biome, and the nextsupply planecaravan isn't due until Autumn. I know it's an unsettling locale. But really, I assure you, those penguins are just penguins. They're not going to come after you. and they most assuredly are not going to sprout fangs and tentacles and start screeching. They're. Just. Penguins. Not The Thing.
I'm tired of cancellation spam.
Not amused,
Your overseer
Dear Overseer;
You cant see their beady little eyes... We're pretty sure they plan to kill us and take our socks to wear as hats of victory.
Sincerely;
Your Frostbitten Dwarves.
Post by: Cheveux on October 04, 2011, 11:14:26 am
You cant see their beady little eyes... We're pretty sure they plan to kill us and take our socks to wear as hats of victory.
My heart exploded.
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 04, 2011, 11:46:31 am
You cant see their beady little eyes... We're pretty sure they plan to kill us and take our socks to wear as hats of victory.
My heart exploded.
*spits out coffee* Seconded.
Dear Urist McGarry,
While I can appreciate wanting a clear area to build the still, the object blocking the area is just a seed. You pick up rocks and move them. A seed weighs a zillion times less than a hunk of claystone. Pick up the goddamned seed and move and it stop suspending the build! Or do you want to be tied to a fucking couch all winter?
Hmmm, those penguins do look suspicious, after all...
the overseer
Post by: Tevish Szat on October 04, 2011, 07:33:19 pm
Your infernal insistence to unbuild from the left of a constructed floor has delayed the sealing of the Monument Tower as I have to take out a wall just to rebuild it as a wall later. I hope you're happy. If it weren't for the fact that a corpse on the obelisk point would ruin the perfection of the tower, I would let you deconstruct the roof-access shaft like I'd planned and you insist and happily watch you starve to death ten stories above the ground.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Dear Gipest Grainring, Human Merchant
You may not know this, but our duchess here loves aluminum. We have no aluminum in this mountain and can't order any from the Mountainhomes on account of them not having any either. For YEARS she's been unhappy about that and has sentenced a good number of dwarves to "life" (until they starve or dehydrate) in prison for failing to make her aluminum items. Last year you brought us a flask of the material, and I was happy -- a few more and I might be able to melt them and get an "industry" going. This year, with another aluminum production mandate currently in place and in danger of going unfulfilled, you bring me a BAR! A whole aluminum BAR! For that and the usual food/booze/sand/dye, you're being sent home with over 10k in profit this year.
BRING MORE.
Sincerely,
Tevish Szat, Overseer of Ironbear
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 04, 2011, 08:26:50 pm
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST WOODCUTTERS THAT ALSO FULFILL OTHER VITAL PARTS OF MY FORTRESS??
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Mountainhomes,
I'm sorry that your diplomat had to leave without meeting with our expedition leader. However, there is a good reason for this.
SHE WAS STABBED TO DEATH BY A FUCKING GOBLIN SWORDSMAN!
Yours in capital letters and accidental entendres,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer of Pickmouths.
Dear Athel Rewardbolt,
'Grats on getting first blood. You inflicted the first injuries on the goblin menace. Oh, and despite the fortress name, don't stick your pick in the goblin's mouth without going the rest of the way through the skull.
Dear rest of militia,
GO AND FIGHT THE GOBLINS!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear civilians,
In order to get you to SHUT UP about not being able to reach outside stuff thanks to the alert, and to try to attract the gobbos to our traps, I have disabled the alert. Remember:
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear goblins,
There are a bunch of weak, defenseless civilians inside our fort. Just walk down out long, winding entrance area and ignore the carets...oh, wait, you left for some reason.
Sincerely,
GWG, local informant.
Dear fortress:
Our settlement, small as it is, repelled a goblin force. After four casualties, the foul beasts fled. We won...but at what cost? Several were wounded. Three military dwarves, our (second) expedition leader and broker, three alpacas, and a puppy were slain. All tragedies. Now clean up that mess! We might not mind the blood, but I don't want some kobold making off with all of our soldiers' equipment!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Angel Of Death on October 04, 2011, 08:57:24 pm
Please try to keep INSIDE when it's snowing. You wouldn't have to have all of this tissue removed from your face if you had done so.
Dear Urist McDoctor
Please skip the diagnosis. I want to see Urist McMiner covered in scars and shit for his stupidity.
Post by: Reudh on October 04, 2011, 09:05:29 pm
Life is peaceful, but why have you become so soft? At the mere mention of a crundle you all run screaming, incoherent until you've left the fort. Dangerous behaviour, especially when a siege arrives.
Post by: Melissia on October 04, 2011, 09:05:59 pm
Have you considered getting a shorter name? I mean, "DoesNotStarveDueToHisOwnStupidity" is certainly much easier to fit on a tablet, I'm sure you'll agree.
-- Overseer Melissia.
Post by: Table Turning on October 04, 2011, 09:44:04 pm
I know, I know. I was careless with the new expansion of the fort to twist around the caverns to get to the magma. You may now see a troll beating on a door that has been walled off for a few seconds as you go down the stairwell. I tried to floor the stair where you see him off, but you guys are too scared to floor it off. The troll CAN'T get to you. You CAN'T get to the troll. It is beating on a door with no intentions other than its own enjoyment.
May I remind you of the horrific tales of the recently abandoned settlement of Redworks. They had a circus over there.
Certainly, that is more frightening than a troll.
Now, get the damn hole walled up so you lot can get working on the magma forges again.
Love, the overseer.
Post by: CaptainBadwheel on October 05, 2011, 12:38:46 am
We all know you like to make images of that one Bronze Colossus, you depict it traveling, and laboring. Just so you know it showed up at our doorstep and we struck it down at a cost of three of our own, half a caravan, and the tail end of a goblin siege. So could you please once depict it dying?
Overseer
Post by: nightwhips on October 05, 2011, 12:53:50 am
... If it weren't for the fact that a corpse on the obelisk point would ruin the perfection of the tower...
See, I think this is where you're wrong...
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 05, 2011, 06:01:22 am
You have THIRTY notable kills, admittedly a lot of those were goblins and trolls, and another handful of random creature kills. You are the fortress badass as well as being decked out in full cotton candy armor.
SO WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM THE RAT MONSTER?! Go over and kill it right now before it gets inside the Circus Camp, or else you'll be playing in my next game of Dwarven Checkers! Probably with the Nobles, if they start coming anytime soon. You. Are. On. NOTICE!
Sincerely: The Circus-Insulting Australian Overlord.
Post by: Melissia on October 05, 2011, 06:14:03 am
Please stop mining piecemeal. Jumping between z-levels of my magma pump system's shaft is not at all helpful. I would like to start building from the botom up, something which you would prevent me from doing-- and for what purpose?
No purpose. Your digging is uninspired, disorganized, and stupid. If you do not rectify this, I will be forced to implement plan 79-ONDAIG-β-Altair, and you will know fear.
-- Oveseer Melissia.
Post by: Crazy Cow on October 05, 2011, 09:54:28 am
Please stop trying to clean the crundle blood. The main problem I have with that idea is that the blood you are trying to clean is coming out of crundle veins this very second.
- Overseer
Post by: Iton Ibrukrithzam on October 05, 2011, 02:45:12 pm
I know times are tough, and our food supply ran out 6 days ago. Still, I think you'd find this problem easily rectified if if just one or two of you(Urists McHerbalist and McButcher, I'm looking at you) would stop milling aimlessly around the meeting hall and go do some of that clearly assigned and accessible food-gathering I've told you to do. Yes, I know you'd rather be eating food, that is why you should GO GET SOME.
~The overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 05, 2011, 04:37:20 pm
Dear Urist McAlmostStarvesAllTheTimeDueToHisOwnStupidityDear Overseer Melissia,
Have you considered getting a shorter name? I mean, "DoesNotStarveDueToHisOwnStupidity" is certainly much easier to fit on a tablet, I'm sure you'll agree.
-- Overseer Melissia.
Aye, it be me family's great shame, that name.
Mayhaps you are implying that I be deserving
the name as me great-great-grandpappy did?
Well, if ye describe the situation to yer fellow
ovr'seers better, they c'n help ye out more.
Sincerely,
Urist McAlmostStarvesAllTheTimeDueToHisOwnS
tupidity. By Armok, this parchment's tiny!
Post by: Telgin on October 05, 2011, 04:42:24 pm
What are you doing down in the caverns stealing stuff from the locals and getting bitten in the eye and kicked in the guts? You're supposed to be in the fort brewing!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 05, 2011, 05:51:30 pm
Please stop killing everyone. You have actually lost more than we have (not counting assorted livestock, cats, etc). You have also driven off the elven merchants, which normally I wouldn't mind, but this time they brought a GIANT FUCKING BADGER. I understand that by forging a large(ish) number of large, serrated disks I have increased my wealth, but seriously. Are you going to go back to wherever you hail from and show off some large, sharp, flat items proudly looted from our fort? Or maybe you intend to squat here once we're dead.
I have news for you. Next time, we'll be stronger. I am about to set up a danger room, expansions to our current trap system will be complete, the entrance corridor will be roofed, and I will have the barracks window replaced with some nice fortifications. You. Will. Be. Screwed.
Sincerely,
The one who WILL bring !!DEATH!! to your soldiers.
Post by: Crazy Cow on October 05, 2011, 07:57:36 pm
Good to know :D
Post by: Melissia on October 05, 2011, 08:13:44 pm
Congratulations are in order. You have survived long enough to be considered worthy of your Iron chainmail, leggings, boots, gauntlets, and helm. Furthermore, I have upgraded you from wooden pointy sticks to Iron pointy sticks.
Now stop being so pissy. Don't worry. Be happy. You shouldn't spend the rest of your meager pathetic life being meager and pathetic. I just completed an order for 120 barrels of beer. Drink and be merry. Tomorrow we dig for Adamantiuim. Tomorrow you'll probably die.
-- Overseer Melissia, currently somewhere other than the dwarf fortress in question (for obvious reasons).
Post by: CaptainBadwheel on October 05, 2011, 11:28:51 pm
We all love mead, and I actually built those beehives specifically so you would have something to do when your not in the army. Why the hell do you always try to walk out the door during sieges? We're in lock down they've got archers and your not helping any by oscillating through the door (preventing its locking) screaming that you can't collect bees for our hives. Your partner in beekeeping got caught dicking around at the edge of the map and is now doing his best impression of a porcupine, a dead one. Get it? Also why do you always come back tired, dehydrated, and hungry? Do you always have to take this beekeeping stuff to the extreme?
The Overseer
ps- Next time the Giant Badgers can have you.
Post by: BackgroundGuy on October 05, 2011, 11:45:46 pm
Dear Urist Mcbeekeeper
We all love mead, and I actually built those beehives specifically so you would have something to do when your not in the army. Why the hell do you always try to walk out the door during sieges? We're in lock down they've got archers and your not helping any by oscillating through the door (preventing its locking) screaming that you can't collect bees for our hives. Your partner in beekeeping got caught dicking around at the edge of the map and is now doing his best impression of a porcupine, a dead one. Get it? Also why do you always come back tired, dehydrated, and hungry? Do you always have to take this beekeeping stuff to the extreme?
The Overseer
ps- Next time the Giant Badgers can have you.
Dear Overseer
I dinnae understand it, but everytime I follow tha bees back to their hive, it isn't there! I stand around for days, tryin' ta do my part for tha fort, but I can't find the hive! I'm terribly sorry for endangerin' everyone, and the goblins scare me too. Just thinkin' about poor Urist rottin' at tha borders gives me the shivers.
- Datan Agekatol
(Have you tried building a 4x4 or 9x9 wall section in the area he keeps trying to find a beehive in? That might solve it)
Post by: Wannazzaki on October 05, 2011, 11:58:22 pm
Currently: 30 nest boxes. 30 guineahen. 5 guinecocks.
3 seasons of hatches, no eggs have been gathered yet. Not only that, two small migrant waves have not produced enough of you to butcher them in a timely fashion, nor are you bothering to pull up the nest boxes...
Please, Urists and Uristettes, please end this cockocalypse.
Post by: CaptainBadwheel on October 06, 2011, 12:41:38 am
noambushnoambushnoambushnoambushambush...SIEGE
Post by: MadocComadrin on October 06, 2011, 07:26:26 am
You know the tower--the one I built specifically for you, leading to the inside of the fort so you aren't exposed to enemy melee squads, the one your standing in right now, please shoot out of it. There are goblins who are in perfect range (not too close, but not too far). So get to it. I want to hear some pew pew!
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 06, 2011, 07:44:01 am
I TOLD your sqaud to discard your crossbows after the last little mishap. Your squad captain is going toe-to-toe with a Rat Monster with his spear and YOU'RE SHOOTING AT IT INSTEAD OF USING THE STEEL AXE I GAVE YOU. Be advised I'm making a list of dwarves that have displeased me. Your squad captain managed to get off the list by dropping his wooden spear for a candy pick and hammer when I told him to. You would be wise to follow his example if you survive.
Sincerely;
The Circus-Insulting Overlord.
Post by: MonkeyHead on October 08, 2011, 02:39:27 pm
I know the order was simple: Build a wall to seperate the garbage drop bridge into magma from the pressure plate to activate it. However, I didnt expect you to stand ON the drop bridge to build the wall having pathed over the pressure plate, thereby dropping yourself into the magma sea. Have fun down there. Your name shall live on, as the first engraved into the hall of idiots.
Yours,
Overseer Monkeyhead.
Post by: Muffindog on October 08, 2011, 02:49:34 pm
Next time when being chased by skeletal deer while the militia is rushing to your aid from the opposite direction, don't fall asleep.
Yours,
Overseer Muffindog.
Post by: JDF117 on October 08, 2011, 09:36:37 pm
Yes, I know that was a very scary vulture, but you don't have to tell me it's there 50 times while bleating like a little lamb and walking back and forth.
Dear Urist McHastilydraftedminer
Why did you dodge into my moat? Did you think the vulture might tear out your throat if you didn't? You will not be mourned or buried, and your miasma will make only the fish sick.
Yours,
JDF117
Post by: Teronsuke on October 08, 2011, 10:25:20 pm
To Urist McTriggerHappy
I TOLD your sqaud to discard your crossbows after the last little mishap. Your squad captain is going toe-to-toe with a Rat Monster with his spear and YOU'RE SHOOTING AT IT INSTEAD OF USING THE STEEL AXE I GAVE YOU. Be advised I'm making a list of dwarves that have displeased me. Your squad captain managed to get off the list by dropping his wooden spear for a candy pick and hammer when I told him to. You would be wise to follow his example if you survive.
Sincerely;
The Circus-Insulting Overlord.
Dear Circus-Insulting Overlord,
Ye do be knowin' tha' candy hammers are roughly as dense as styrofoam, don't ye? I'd advise heavily to make them out of somethin' a wee bit denser, like p'raps copper, or silver. Yer choice entirely m'lord, but jus' a thought from a lowly blacksmith.
Sincerely; Urist McMakesYourWeapons
Post by: JDF117 on October 08, 2011, 10:30:00 pm
Dear Urist McCrafter
Yes, I know that was a very scary vulture, but you don't have to tell me it's there 50 times while bleating like a little lamb and walking back and forth.
Dear Urist McHastilydraftedminer
Why did you dodge into my moat? Did you think the vulture might tear out your throat if you didn't? You will not be mourned or buried, and your miasma will make only the fish sick.
Yours,
JDF117
Dear JDF117
Gurgle.
Yours,
Urist Mchastilydraftedminer
Post by: Hitty40 on October 08, 2011, 11:18:58 pm
When you see a Spideryhoof Pegasus, you run TOWARDS the hole I dug in the ground to safety.
-Your facepalming overseer
Post by: Table Turning on October 08, 2011, 11:31:41 pm
Guys, I know you worship Momuz, the god of diseases and blight. He takes the form of a male dwarf in decay.
...Do you REALLY need to put statues of him screaming and being unnaturally contorted in the dining hall?
Signed: Concerned citizen of the fortress.
Post by: Oaktree on October 09, 2011, 02:14:54 am
While we understand that the mood demands that you put your great this-is-my-life idea into a material object we do not understand this particular manifestation of the Muse.
The history of the Mountainhomes is important but this group of the Taut Gold do not quite need this as a reminder that the elves destroyed one of our cities in the past. And we want to know why you think a drinking mug needs a picture of a goblin on it - or at least one that is not in the process of being killed or otherwise mangled.
Finally, we are mildly upset that our raw adamantine was use repeatedly in the construction of this item...
Estgest Nicat Lumnum (Cleargloss the Chain of Labyrinths) - a raw adamantine mug
This is a raw adamantine mug. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is encrusted with raw adamantine and indigo tourmaline, studded with adamantine, decorated with cave spider silk and encircled with bands of pig tail fiber. This object menaces with spikes of raw adamantine.
On the item is an image of The Reigns of Raking the adamantine high boot in raw adamantine.
On the item is an image of elves and dwarves in spore tree. The elves are massacring the dwarves. The artwork relates to the defeat of The Taut Gold and destruction of Tangledpages by the Competitive Ivy in the midwinter of 197 during The Destruction of Tangledpages.
On the item is an image of three clouds in giant cave spider silk. On the item is an image of Amxu Profanelurched the goblin in clear zircon.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 09, 2011, 05:11:55 am
I NEED a trader on the depot. ANYONE will do. Yes, you're all moving stuff to the depot, but I need someone to hock our trash to the them so we get more migrants. And you. Yes, you the broker. Don't think I don't see that you're asleep. You're on notice, buddy...
Post by: Keldor on October 09, 2011, 07:59:59 am
Please observe... You know what, never-mind. You won't read this letter anyway, so I'm not even going to try. Just don't come complaining to me when the obvious results of your ill-advised actions occur.
At the end of his rope,
Your Overseer
Post by: Kurtisk1 on October 09, 2011, 10:59:33 pm
Do you have some sort of fascination with the lower levels? There is nothing down there. Stop taking stones from all the way down there when you're supposed to be taking the stones out that are cluttering up the stockpile rooms!
Post by: ClkWrkJester on October 09, 2011, 11:31:52 pm
Whilst I appreciate that you spent a lot of time giving birth as you did... what, while digging a channel and all... I am afraid that what we have very little of is food and drink, and what we have a lot of is savagry outside. That means we need metal. Specifically smelted in the lava that channel will bring us. You obviously understand that need as you worked even during childbirth.
That being said, your little bearded worm has been asleep in the channel for half a season, on and off. When he grows he'll just be a horrid little thing that runs around and eats my food and drinks my drinks. And he is in no way able to assist in making metal to make this mountainside safe for dwarf kind.
I do hope you understand my predicament, and do not mistake my laughter as I start the lava flowing into little baby Urist's ad hoc crib as being amusement. Its laughter of sadness, I assure you.
- Your Overseer.
PS, as a note to all dorfs, lunch today will be pigs in a blanket. Thank you.
Additionally to the Dwarves of Wallblazed- Any migrants coming are advised to leave pets behind. Due to an incident where the legendary armoursmith was nearly killed by goblin ambushers, any and all livestock beyond yaks and cool attack animals will be killed as a matter of habit. Thank you.
Post by: acetech09 on October 10, 2011, 01:10:59 am
Although I understand your fixation on building the wall segment outside the city gates, (and I am grateful for that), we are currently under siege by groups of goblins. That being said, I would li- " ... ahh crap.
"Dear Urist McMason1 and McMason2,
Although I understand your fix-" ... F***
Dear Urist McMason1,2,3,4
I am deeply saddened that you four masons will be the four unlucky ones to get trapped outside our city walls, as the rest of the masons will be safely insi-
Dear Masons of the Fort.
I'd pretend I'm sorry, but I really don't care about anything anymore.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 10, 2011, 09:50:22 am
Re: Your hand.
You utter dumbass. How you managed to wander onto the sole trap filled with metal spikes in the center of the cat-drop room, i have no idea. All you had to do was go in and wait for the show to start so you can stop giving a damn about all the atrocities you're going to have to face as a a militia dwarf. Be thankful you can still wield a sword with one hand, or I'd put you on Circus Scout duty to put you out of my misery.
Post by: reteip9 on October 10, 2011, 03:54:50 pm
Could you please stop having the wonderful idea of hunting that pissed of alligator 5 mins after embark?
Sincerely your overseeer
Post by: ClkWrkJester on October 10, 2011, 04:06:25 pm
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on October 10, 2011, 05:32:26 pm
You are supposed to write it in form of mail.
Regards, yet another stupid dorf.
Post by: Alternatecash on October 11, 2011, 04:03:32 am
Run into the fortress when I give the order!
Post by: MadocComadrin on October 11, 2011, 08:55:48 am
Write reply cancelled: interrupted by Carp.
Post by: krg on October 12, 2011, 09:08:52 am
please report to my office immediatly
krg
Urist McWoodcutter/Axedwarf, i called you in here to tell you to keep your axe in hand
and go kill the stupid ogre that is currently being held down by two dogs. yes, dogs.
they are doing a better job of killing that ogre that is stopping work then you, someone
with an axe. now go kill the ogre or i will have to take measures. that is all.
TAKE YOUR FRIGGIN AXE WITH YOU ARMOKDAMMIT!!!
Post by: Shinotsa on October 12, 2011, 09:18:39 am
I'm sorry that YOU aren't out there fighting, because maybe then you'd realize that this is my woodcutting axe and not my ogre killing axe. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go put my axe down and pick it back up.
Sincerely,
Urist
P.S. A coffin would be nice
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on October 12, 2011, 10:48:05 am
Dear Dorfs of Gemtower;
Run into the fortress when I give the order!
Gemtower Dwarf cancels flee into safety of the fortress: Stealing socks from fallen brethern.
Post by: Alternatecash on October 12, 2011, 01:37:18 pm
Post by: Theifofdreams on October 14, 2011, 04:15:55 am
Yes, it was a terrible tragedy that cut us all deeply. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and pulling of beards.
However, gnashing your teeth on another dorf, and pulling their beard, is abit much, don't you think? Please for the love of all that shines in the deep places, calm down, remove your tooth from Urist Mcmineronbreak's arm, and stop trying to put his beard in a headlock.
Besides, we had none of what was mandated, and I wasn't having you or one of the other hard workers who actually do shit maimed and/or killed just to satisfy a noble throwing a hissy fit. If you don't stop throwing your tantrums around, I will be throwing you. Into the pit. Right next to Urist Mcmurderednoble. And the three dead goblins, a somehow not-yet-dead elf trader, and the decaying corpses of a great many FB Syndrom victims.
-The Overseer about to go into melancholy
PS: We've got piles of memorial slabs, still. Don't think we don't.
Post by: Martholomule on October 14, 2011, 09:56:49 am
That's a food stockpile you're sitting in. You're hungry. F___ing eat something.
Yes, I know there's a barrel of food somewhere in a deep cavern, and I know it's not forbidden to eat from it. I also don't know where the f__k it is.
There's no way to get to it. I know it, and you obviously know it.
Now that I think about it, hurry up and starve to death.
Sincerely,
Post by: Theifofdreams on October 14, 2011, 06:38:17 pm
Aye, I've no clue where the barrel o' food is, but it's got the tastiest food ye'll ever have, I jes know it!
I'll find it yet, or starve and die!
Urist McGourmet
PS: Have ye tried the stockpile lists? Ye should be able to find it from there.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on October 14, 2011, 07:00:17 pm
Please step out of the airlock before I eject you out of it with the refuse.
With lovedon'tdoubtIwon'ttrainanotheraquanauttotakeyourplace,
The Omnipresent Overseer.
Post by: krg on October 14, 2011, 08:37:09 pm
Please explain to me how my dog was able to tear your muscle. you are a skeleton, skeletons shouldnt HAVE muscles.
the same goes for your tendons. ????? tendons?
Confused,
krg
p.s. thank you for bashing in that dogs head with little to no trouble, she was valuable to the fort.
p.p.s. thank you for being so easy to kill. fight lasted almost no time once my hammerers showed up.
Post by: BullDog on October 14, 2011, 09:01:25 pm
Did you want a dramatic entrance?
You got it, falling through the dining room ceiling and injuring everyone inside and killing yourself.
I hope your happy in
-- The facepalming overload
Post by: Table Turning on October 14, 2011, 09:17:26 pm
I understand your grief over losing your wife. She was killed tragically in a cave-in accident. Now what I am angry about is what you did to the mayor. No no, you going to cry on his shoulder is fine, but having a tantrum and breaking his upper spine in the middle of the meeting is NOT okay. I'm particularly disturbed at the fact that you calmed down after breaking his spine and cried on his shoulder until he died from suffocation.
Can you PLEASE not do this again?
Signed-The Newly Elected Mayor
Post by: Jacob/Lee on October 14, 2011, 11:51:54 pm
Yes, I know, you're the only soldier. But please, stop organizing combat training with just yourself, it's creeping out some of the other citizens. I'll get you squadmates one day.
Yours,
The Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Yours,
UristMcSteelHammerDwarf
Post by: rosareven on October 15, 2011, 06:44:07 am
Thank you for letting me realise that burrow does not, in fact, prevent you from breaking the boundry of the burrow you are assigned to, to build one piece of a wall from inside a sealed room and thus getting yourself trapped regardless.
Unfortunately, should this ever happen again when I commence another well or magma forge project, I might have to just leave you there instead.
Yours,
Overseer
Post by: Hitty40 on October 15, 2011, 08:32:29 am
I must say you are a true hero and an idiot. While everyone else was getting their armor and weapon, you mindlessly ran outside and proceeded to fight the 30-Goblin siege with nothing but your fists and the clothes on your back. At first I thought you were gonna die, but after reading the combat reports, you dodged swords, lashes, and arrows like a badass, earning you 27 kills headshotting goblins and evening ripping one in half. Unfortunately, when another squad showed up about 20 seconds later, you went off and fought them near the river, having the local alligators over there to attack the squad and you, dodging their attacks until you fell into the river and drowned.
I don't make expensive coffins for being stupid, Urist McMonk! WOOD COFFIN FOR YOU!
-Urist McCoffinMaker
Post by: Jacob/Lee on October 15, 2011, 06:32:01 pm
When you are encrusting the statues for the soldiers' burial chamber, please put interesting events on there. Sure, a demon killing a centauress four centuries ago might seem cool but considering half the dwarves here flunked history I wouldn't be surprised if none of them got it.
Yours,
The Overseer
Post by: Keldane on October 15, 2011, 08:05:14 pm
While I wholly appreciate your enthusiasm in making a lavish roast, I feel the need to question your choices of ingredients. As near as I can tell, you took a length of intestine, cracked several hundred eggs into it, tied off the ends, and roasted it over a fire. That said, thank you for singlehandedly providing enough food for every dwarf in the fort for, quite possibly, the next five years.
Sincerely,
The Not-So Hungry Overseer.
Post by: Vehudur on October 15, 2011, 08:10:55 pm
What did ye want me ta do? I just used what I could get me hands on. And ye should try it, it'll do yer guts good!
Sincerely,
Urist McCook.
Post by: ClkWrkJester on October 15, 2011, 11:22:44 pm
I love the quality of statues you are making from the abundant gold in our fortress and the wealth increases they offer. They are giving happy thoughts all over. The steel statues you have crafted for the barracks , too, are really impressive.
Just could you please pick something other than when our civilization's military was butchered by elves?
Please?
Its freaking demoralizing.
-Your confused Overseer
Post by: Jacob/Lee on October 15, 2011, 11:26:47 pm
Post by: jaxy15 on October 16, 2011, 03:33:07 am
I am telling you to prepare sugar, flour and other things for a reason.
Stop eating raw foods, eat the damn prepared meals.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Dear Urist McBrewer,
At least someone here has good manners. I thank you for having quarry bush leaves as one of your favorite foods. I also thank you for getting a happy thought from it.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Oaktree on October 17, 2011, 01:10:55 pm
When I sent your squad topside to chase off a couple of goblin archers I viewed it as a training exercise since your marksdwarf squad has often been skipped over in order to give the axe and sword dwarves all the glory and monster kill lists. Being used to the odd behaviors of my military I set up a checkpoint in the tunnel to verify equipment was being worn.
I appreciate that you opted to wear your full issue kit of steel armor. What I do not appreciate is that in your haste to kick goblin butt you left your crossbow back in the barracks. >:(
Great example you set for the rest of your squad. But I note that when they eventually did turn up for the mission they did bring crossbows.
In any case an impressive kill you made on that goblin - bruised him up nicely with your shield and that "wave them about by the arm until they pass out" routine is one for the books -- if you were a melee soldier that is. Topped off by kicking his head in.
I think you should pay more attention to how your squad handled the other goblin. They put a couple of bolts in his lungs and then proceeded to kick him to pieces. A bit more efficient that way, isn't it?
Post by: Keldane on October 17, 2011, 03:49:16 pm
You, sir, have won my respect and admiration. Your deft defense against the goblin ambushes that have sought to enter our home has impressed me enough simply by you walking away uninjured each time despite your incomplete set of armor. As if that wasn't sufficient, you chose for yourself what is easily the most badass title I have ever heard. I deeply appreciate your commitment to our meagre hole in the ground, and pray to Armok that you do not meet the same fate as the poor Tobul Lesastcatten, the Pointy Pear of Laboring, who drowned when the miners took their sweet-ass time in digging out the side of the murky pool to drain it when he dodged the wrong way.
Sincerely,
The overseer of Phantommachines.
Post by: BurnCruise on October 17, 2011, 05:50:08 pm
I apologize profusely about the loss of your husband and newborn in yesterdays battle against the goblin siege. You did elect to bring the child with you though.
Its just... did you have to kill your dog too? I mean come on.
Yours truly,
The dictator
Post by: raptorfangamer on October 17, 2011, 06:53:22 pm
I know that you are a bookkeeper too, that wont give you the rights to update stocks, sleep, eat, and have a sudden break (even after you have TONS of freetime after the stocks part) RIGHT, when theres a caravan that might have some ammo, weaponry, or trap components...
Post by: Wannazzaki on October 17, 2011, 06:55:37 pm
You are ten masters in your field from hammer, to spear to sword. You can dodge any attack, resist any blow that lands and...you all fucking dodged into the magma lake. You, and then the marksmen decided they would use their bows as clubs, and lo and behold, you also dodged into the magma lake. I fucking hate all of you.
Sincerely, an overseer who will not be making you any slabs.
Post by: Necro910 on October 17, 2011, 07:05:58 pm
Dear military squad.Dear Overseer,
You are ten masters in your field from hammer, to spear to sword. You can dodge any attack, resist any blow that lands and...you all fucking dodged into the magma lake. You, and then the marksmen decided they would use their bows as clubs, and lo and behold, you also dodged into the magma lake. I fucking hate all of you.
Sincerely, an overseer who will not be making you any slabs.
We are doing what we do best, killing and maiming. Have fun with your mangled and possessed dwarves.
With fists of your own flesh,
The D-Team
Post by: Teneb on October 17, 2011, 07:10:13 pm
I know that the insane merchant from the mountainhomes attacked you first, and that you decapitated him in self-defense, but now you've triggered a loyalty cascade and I cannot allow that to spread. You are fired. Report to the firing chamber of the magma cannon at once.
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: Wannazzaki on October 17, 2011, 07:15:04 pm
Dear military squad.Dear Overseer,
You are ten masters in your field from hammer, to spear to sword. You can dodge any attack, resist any blow that lands and...you all fucking dodged into the magma lake. You, and then the marksmen decided they would use their bows as clubs, and lo and behold, you also dodged into the magma lake. I fucking hate all of you.
Sincerely, an overseer who will not be making you any slabs.
We are doing what we do best, killing and maiming. Have fun with your mangled and possessed dwarves.
With fists of your own flesh,
The D-Team
Hey hey hey. Hands off. D-Team is copyrighted to me D:
Post by: Necro910 on October 17, 2011, 07:15:31 pm
Dear Urist McCaptainDear Management,
I know that the insane merchant from the mountainhomes attacked you first, and that you decapitated him in self-defense, but now you've triggered a loyalty cascade and I cannot allow that to spread. You are fired. Report to the firing chamber of the magma cannon at once.
Sincerely,
The Management
VIVA LA REVOLUTIO!
With love,
Urist
Post by: ImaDwarf on October 17, 2011, 08:17:45 pm
Two of you won't get this letter, because you guys are dead, but to UristMcWounded, please hurry up and heal, you are our only skilled brewer, and we need some booze.
Signed,
Your Not So Loving Overseer
Post by: Theifofdreams on October 17, 2011, 08:23:12 pm
Dear UristMc3PeopleWhoFellDownAHole,
Two of you won't get this letter, because you guys are dead, but to UristMcWounded, please hurry up and heal, you are our only skilled brewer, and we need some booze.
Signed,
Your Not So Loving Overseer
Dear Not So Loving Overseer
Would really love to get right on that, but a spot of medic would go a long way to speeding up the process. A drink would also not go amiss.
-Urist McNotBrewingADamnThingUntilIHeal.
Post by: ImaDwarf on October 17, 2011, 08:28:28 pm
Our doctor is doing his best, but since you broke so many things, you are turning into walking string and bits of cloth.
Signed,
GettingTiredOfWritingNotes
Post by: Necro910 on October 17, 2011, 08:30:57 pm
Dear Urist McNotBrewingADamnThingUntilIHeal,...The Slender Man?
Our doctor is doing his best, but since you broke so many things, you are turning into walking string and bits of cloth.
Signed,
GettingTiredOfWritingNotes
Post by: ImaDwarf on October 17, 2011, 08:31:54 pm
Perhaps, minus the whole walking thing.Dear Urist McNotBrewingADamnThingUntilIHeal,...The Slender Man?
Our doctor is doing his best, but since you broke so many things, you are turning into walking string and bits of cloth.
Signed,
GettingTiredOfWritingNotes
Post by: Sutremaine on October 17, 2011, 09:44:56 pm
Yes, I know there's a barrel of food somewhere in a deep cavern, and I know it's not forbidden to eat from it. I also don't know where the f__k it is.I have an idea. Hide any food that can be pathed to, then go into the stocks screen and forbid anything that isn't hidden.
Post by: Time Blossom on October 18, 2011, 02:37:51 am
Clearly, there has been a breakdown in communications somewhere. When I appointed you to this position, it was with the expectation that you would help to keep our citizenry safe. You know, locking up murderers, that sort of thing. However, since your appointment the only law that you have enforced has been the Mayor's new ban on exporting bracelets, and your method of enforcement has been to soundly beat those responsible for breaking the ban.
This would not be so bad were it not for your refusal to set down your Adamantine Battleaxe, even after being told repeatedly to do so. I understand that you like your shinies, but honestly, there's a limit as to what is considered acceptable behavior, and I'm sure that the five petty smugglers now lying dead in the meeting hall would agree that earning yourself a nickname by hacking them to pieces was in rather poor taste.
I understand that it's not really your fault; you were simply following orders from the Mayor, and never mind that the offending parties committed their crimes before the law was passed and you were appointed. Rest assured, your recent demotion was only the first part of a long-needed house cleaning, and you will still find a position in the Cavern Patrol since you seem unwilling or unable to drop that damned axe already. There won't be much company, but I assure you, the pay is good. On an unrelated note, since you are not married, who do you consider to be your next of kin?
Good luck with that Forgotten Beast,
Thy Overlord
Post by: eggrock on October 18, 2011, 10:45:15 am
It has come to my attention that the 'No accidents in x days' sign has been updated to '0 days' today, and I have heard mention that this was somehow caused by my long absence away from our mountain home. I wish to assure you that this is not true and further, I have no knowledge as to the whereabouts of our two legendary miners.
As an unrelated note, future planning of multiple z-level channeling will be dug from the top down, one layer at a time.
Sincerely,
Management
Post by: Wannazzaki on October 19, 2011, 07:00:59 pm
Please drag prisoners to their cell for violating asinine orders of the asinine baron instead of charging up to them and bisecting them down the middle. I know you are desperate to get back to destroying sieges for personal amusement but i am fast running out of legendary gemcutters.
Sincerely, Overseer.
P.S Next time, i'm locking you out.
Post by: G.S.Maxwell on October 20, 2011, 06:40:41 pm
While it is your prerogative where we strike the earth, I am perplexed by your choice of a rapidly thawing river. In the future please be sure to strike the earth, and not the ice.
Your perplexed and cold,
Overseer
Post by: Lordraymond on October 20, 2011, 08:33:17 pm
I know you showed up with no social skills and only an adequate guild rating in herbalism, but please at least do the one job your good at. I'm tired of dwarves complaining of starvation while you sit on your fat, beer-stinking ass on break for a whole year and let the crops wither.
Sincerely,
Your starving overlord
Post by: Hitty40 on October 20, 2011, 08:38:18 pm
Dear Urist McHerbalist,
I know you showed up with no social skills and only an adequate guild rating in herbalism, but please at least do the one job your good at. I'm tired of dwarves complaining of starvation while you sit on your fat, beer-stinking ass on break for a whole year and let the crops wither.
Sincerely,
Your starving overlord
Dear I-could-give-a-rat's-ass-less-about-you-starving overlord,
I never was a life of the party, you know what I mean? Before I left, it was just me and Urist McCheesemaker, always sitting together, chatting, but I never got much of a kick out of it. I guess since I left my best friend, I've been looking for a new friend, someone who really enjoys working on farms and such.
Post by: Vox on October 20, 2011, 09:53:48 pm
Quit bitching about your current job when your refused to do your last job and instead decided to idle for 3 months.
Post by: krenshala on October 21, 2011, 08:58:16 am
I would like to formally apologize for letting your alchoholic stockpiles run completely dry in the middle of winter while all other water sources were frozen solid.
However, I hold all of you, and specifically the expedition leader/broker/bookkeeper, responsible for the three deaths by dealchoholation that we suffered, reducing your numbers to 15. I heard your pleas for liquor, and immediately ordered the construction of a still and brewing of many rock pots of various flavors. Long before anyone died. Not only that, but if his-bookkeeperness hadn't insisted on keeping said books, even after already achieving the highest possible accuracy, napping for a month (really? did you really need a month?), getting a drink and promptly going back to the books, we might have been able to sell the five bins worth of craft goods and three dozen (low quality) chalk pots to the merchants who were only too happy to buy at the discounts our shortage of alcohol ensured. But no, instead of trading for a few minutes, he made sure the books were good to six figures (when we only needed two), and was, unfortunately, NOT one of the three casualties of his neglect.
And why, oh, why, did the vast majority of you choose to sit and complain about being thirsty while in the temporary meeting area, a mere four tiles from the only stockpile (containing a minimum 50 units of booze), and a dozen tiles from the still itself (with at least another 25 units), instead of getting off your idle arses and getting drinks for yourselves?
Damnit, Urists, I'm the Overseer, not a barkeep! Get yer own damn drinks!
The Overseer
--
Dear Erush, Ghostly Woodcutter,
Thank you for not injuring or frightening your (former?) fortress mates upon your return after dehydrating in your sleep in what is now the Militia Commander's room. If it is your desire to haunt the booze stockpile of the just completed First Hall, I am not going to complain. Just try to keep the ectoplasm in the booze to a minimum.
Thank you,
Your Apologetic Overseer
Post by: DwarvenHandGrenades on October 21, 2011, 08:48:52 pm
Sincerely
Moderately Annoyed Underpaid overseer.
Post by: Hitty40 on October 21, 2011, 08:50:04 pm
Dear UristMcReleaseThePandaMen while I understand that you're not the most mentally adept and the pandamen do look like large teddy bears releasing them into the fortress in a so called "Fun time" is not acceptable.We already lost most of the fortress to them.
Sincerely
Moderately Annoyed Underpaid overseer.
Dear Overseer,
What? I can't hear you since those pandamen nearly ripped my ears off. Speak louder!
Urist
Post by: DwarvenHandGrenades on October 21, 2011, 09:07:15 pm
Thank you for releasing those trapped Pandamen and liberating many dwarves of their organs.In return for this service please go stand over there in that special "Fun pool" and don't leave until you're positively drowning in "fun"
Kind Regards
Bored yet sadistic Overseer (of fun)
Post by: Muttonhawk on October 22, 2011, 05:43:20 am
The horse that was caught and subsequently marked as tame by you, the animal trainer, appears to be scaring all dwarves who I tasked to put it in the pasture so we could keep its meat fresh. Please do your job properly next time.
-Mutton,
Steward of Redgates
Dear all you other Urists,
Contrary to popular belief, LIVESTOCK DOES NOT HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!! That rather passive scary horse that is supposed to be tame wandering the halls is no spiritual or political figure, let alone a martyr. He's not even anyone's pet for Armok's sake. Me marking it for death at the hands of our capable military should not be such an injustice as to cause a rift in society and prompt you to start beating each other to death. A loyalty cascade that ended up causing the end of the fort in the hysteria and madness that followed the creation of your newfangled 'birth of an independent and liberal society, free from the tyranny of those who would seek to kill innocent horses that scare us all enough for an excuse to get out of work'.
-Mutton
Steward of Redgates
Post by: Lordraymond on October 22, 2011, 06:26:57 am
While I realize we all want to keep a tidy fort, your a MINER for a reason. I assigned you to clear out that room for the food stockpile and farm expansion we so desperately needed, and you insisted on hauling every stone you mined back to the stockpile in between mining them, even though I explicitly told you not to.
Sincerely yours,
Your baffled-as-to-why-his-dwarves-are-food-challenged overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 22, 2011, 07:05:17 am
We have crops in the fields and assorted gathered plants strewn about the soiley parts of the fortress AND the surface. We have not one, but two food stockpiles. We have prepared meals being made. PLEASE, haul some food!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear soapmaker, whomever you are:
You built a workshop. If you aren't hauling food, MAKE SOME SOAP TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE FOOD.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: MadocComadrin on October 23, 2011, 01:54:34 am
You mean this white, powdery liquid isn't foo--ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH MAH MOUF, ID BUUUUWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNSTH!
Sincerely,
Urist McSoapmaker
Post by: Rasputin on October 23, 2011, 06:15:00 am
For 30 years we have been building this fort as a monument to Dwarven ingenuity.
We have claimed the depths and the surface, we have mighty walled defences including magma vomiting gargoyles, to keep you and your fellow Dwarves safe from hostiles.
Knowing that security must not impinge on your luxuries, such as fresh fish, cleaning, bathing, and if you really must drinking, we have gone to great lengths to include the river in our fort.
The river is right next to the underground entrance and far from the trapped but open fort gates, yet I am still having reports of you wandering miles out of the fort to wash in a muddy puddle in private.
I assume this is shyness on your behalf, not wanting to wash with the others, or even using the well room provided... Needless to say having sent a footpatrol out for the fifth time to rescue you from Goblins, I am getting a little frustrated.
I have plans to install some 'shower' facilities especially for the more difficult to please, such as yourself.
No need to thank me, my thanks will be getting to Pull the Lever for you.
Overseer Urist McNeverbaths
Post by: Salmonpunch on October 23, 2011, 08:43:33 am
-Salmonpunch
Post by: BeefotronX on October 23, 2011, 01:00:09 pm
Next time unspeakable catastrophe occurs, like for instance a forgotten beast gets everyone in the main dining hall with its paralytic venom, try depicting something about the beast or the dwarfs who died. If you should be set to chisel like there's no tomorrow on a stretch of wall in the corridor, to set down what very well could be your epitaph, keep in mind that you could be struck down suddenly. Keep in mind that each engraving could be your last. Do you really want to be carving "A nicely detailed image of thin crosses" when the gemcutter just went mad and murdered your auntie?
Cordially,
Lord Beef
Post by: nymall on October 25, 2011, 09:00:09 pm
I know you and your fellow workers are fond of cats. I am fond of the fluffy !!Plump Kitty Roasts!! as well. However...
Cats are not immovable. They are not holy. There is no law that you cannot push them aside, and build that DAMMED-ABLE WALL! The wall is much more important then Mr. Fluffykins having a nice cat shaped hole to sun bathe in, in the middle of our defenses no less! Do you want to be the first to meet the Elves?! Remember last year? The balista bolts, and the bridge? I think we'll use you as our one man greeting squad this year.
Sincerely,
Overlord Nymall
Post by: krenshala on October 25, 2011, 10:41:51 pm
Dear GWG,Explain to me again why Lye is in the food stockpile list, and not the stone or at least bar/block list? I know it isn't in block form, but it is most definitely not food. ;)
You mean this white, powdery liquid isn't foo--ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH MAH MOUF, ID BUUUUWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNSTH!
Sincerely,
Urist McSoapmaker
Post by: BeefotronX on October 25, 2011, 11:09:01 pm
I don't care about the snatchers or the giant cave spider that got in from below. I just want this aqueduct built and working.
Regards,
Lord Beef
Post by: Reudh on October 25, 2011, 11:31:58 pm
STOP OVERPOPULATING EVERYTHING! you share the same population tags as dwarves...
Yours, Armok.
(Seriously, by 1050 in this pocket world, of the 2700 creatures alive, a good 2000 were Zalifen. Dwarves were just about dead, elves non-existent, humans clinging to life (and frequently starving to death) and goblins maintained a good lifestyle.
Post by: AWellTrainedFerret on October 26, 2011, 01:37:44 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Theifofdreams on October 26, 2011, 03:07:51 am
Magma sure is hot, hmm? We'll see if whoever replaces you is any smarter. If so, it will be a first.
Sincerely;
Your frustrated Overseer.
Post by: roughedge on October 26, 2011, 11:17:50 am
If you are fighting against a giant leopard, don't use your teeth as a weapon, at least grab a rock or something... maybe the copper battle axe that as been lying next to your bed for 3 months. But hey, since you lost your arms now, I guess you wont have the choice...
Post by: Jake on October 26, 2011, 11:40:46 am
For future reference, the brook freezing over is your cue to go and lend a hand with the hundred and one other jobs that need doing in the fortress, not seek out the only remaining liquid water in the area. I can personally assure you that you won't find any fish in the drinking water cistern.
Yours,
Your designated Avatar of Armok.
Post by: Gizogin on October 26, 2011, 04:03:45 pm
I know we've had some trouble with trolls knocking down our floodgates in the past, and it's only natural of you to want to protect your hard work, but next time, don't stand inside the tunnel that you're blocking off!
Your Dark Wizard overseer,
Gizogin X
Post by: Wannazzaki on October 26, 2011, 04:04:50 pm
Dear Kivish Athelal†th, Fisherdwarf,
For future reference, the brook freezing over is your cue to go and lend a hand with the hundred and one other jobs that need doing in the fortress, not seek out the only remaining liquid water in the area. I can personally assure you that you won't find any fish in the drinking water cistern.
Yours,
Your designated Avatar of Armok.
Actually you Can fish in the cisterns.
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 27, 2011, 10:32:38 pm
You guys rock. seriously. I'm sorry that four of your comrades got taken out, and even more sorry that the area is frozen year round. They died of thirst in their hospital beds.
The rest of you, though...one of you killed a troll and the other, an elkbird. Not to mention the two draltha, a rutherer, and several troglodytes. Most of you didnt even have a weapon yet.
You guys are good :)
Your impressed overseer
Post by: Captain Mayhem on October 28, 2011, 02:44:42 am
Seriously, you were the perfect mayor. Your only interests were totems (which we could create ad infinitum), traction benches (which also are useful and easily made), mining picks (can't ever have enough of those, especially now with over 100 active miners), and lay pewter items (another humble request). Thanks to you, I didn't get a dwarf jailed in over 10 years. That's a personal record, and it probably beats a LOT of other people here.
SO WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO MELANCHOLIC BECAUSE OF A LESSERS BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS?!
Honestly, you are the only one with a pretentious tomb in this fort. The only other two who have more than an unmarked coffin in an unsmoothed rock crypt, are my legendary, named, axe and spear wielding defenders of the fortress with more than 150 kills between them.
And they *share* a tomb *HALF* your size.
And one of them died while delivering the killing blow to a poisonous gas-spewing forgotten beast that was just about to enter the fortress, so he bloody deserves it.
Please stop whining and get right back to being awesome, please. The one who replaced you is a dick.
Sincerely
Miffed off overseer.
Post by: Fairin on October 28, 2011, 05:33:04 am
i'm Aware of your mandate for Glistening voidshard mandates, as I TOTALLY agree we should totally make some but alas the void walker people dont seem to want to attack me yet and have their corpses litter our pritty front lawn and give our axeboys something to drink over.
ps, stop making my guard captian kill random dwarves. its getting annoying the fort DIDNT NEED a jail before you became baron then count... think about it...
Love- your omnipresent overlord of the forlorn realms (mod)
Post by: Deus Machina on October 28, 2011, 05:40:44 am
After they chased you out the last three years, you should know we have a problem with giant badgers. Please don't let them follow you into the depot next time.
Dear Urists McMerchantguards,
You know about the badgers, too. I don't know what kind of grudge you have against McMerchant, but would you have at least let him trade with us before allowing the badgers to kill him? I notice you don't have a scratch on you, and we can't just take the stuff because you're alive.
I was wanting that booze, too.
Overseer, cranking the stills to overtime.
Post by: Deus Machina on October 30, 2011, 01:21:14 am
Please exit the danger room before... Yeah, see? Wooden spears sever other things before they even think about the umbilical cord.
Post by: Ostrogoth on October 30, 2011, 09:00:25 am
When killing a wolf could you please use the weapons you have been assigned instead of biting it to death over a period of one month. Not only is it inefficient but also very cruel to the animal in question. Please follow the example of Urist McHammerdwarf who quickly dispatched three wolfs by bashing their heads in.
Sincerely
Management
Post by: Hitty40 on October 30, 2011, 09:04:55 am
Dear Urist McSwordmaster and Urist McAxedwarf
When killing a wolf could you please use the weapons you have been assigned instead of biting it to death over a period of one month. Not only is it inefficient but also very cruel to the animal in question. Please follow the example of Urist McHammerdwarf who quickly dispatched three wolfs by bashing their heads in.
Sincerely
Management
Dear Management,
I couldn't give a damn my weapons! Biting is the way to go!
-Urist McAxeDwarf
Post by: Frelus on October 30, 2011, 09:09:01 am
I know that there are many things a dwarf needs to stay healthy, and that staying healthy is quite important.
Still, a even better way to stay healthy is to wall up the damn passage into the caverns, where a silver forgotten beast was residing.
Now, it resides in our fortress, making ALL of our darfs unhealthy, just because you had to eat, drink, sleep and THEN party instead of walling the damn 1 tile passage up.
I will now make you a burrow at the beast's location.
-Your angry good of blood
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 30, 2011, 09:59:33 pm
You guys are awesome. Truly. You're poorly equipped, half-assed trained, and yet you've killed countless cavern critters, a small goblin ambush, and best of all, an ETTIN. You took down the berserk child before she could cause major trouble quite nicely, too. But for the gods' sakes, did one of you have to hit that tantrumming recruit quite so hard? A punch in the nose would have sufficed. Now I have to engrave a slab for him. What an ignoble end.
I look forward to sending you against the first Forgotten Beast to visit, when it does. I hope you won't mind me sealing the cavern behind you until we see what happens out.
Proudly,
Your Overseer
Post by: Loud Whispers on October 30, 2011, 10:17:29 pm
Quit being Awesome and actually do something.
Sincerely, job queue.
Post by: Hitty40 on October 30, 2011, 10:29:44 pm
I know, I know: you don't have a last name. So what? If you did, it would probrably be Urist McGetTheFuckOutOfThBoozePileAlreadyAndMakeSomeWeapons.
Post by: Kogut on October 31, 2011, 10:27:42 am
Dear Urist Mc Awesome.I really like it!
Quit being Awesome and actually do something.
Sincerely, job queue.
Dear DF.
PLEASE, STOP CRASHING ON EMBARK.
Sincerely, Urist Mc10minutesWastedOnSkillAssigments.
Post by: Necro910 on October 31, 2011, 10:42:46 am
Dear Sqauds the Parity of Crystal, Molten Spears, and another whose name escapes me for now,Dear Overseer,
You guys are awesome. Truly. You're poorly equipped, half-assed trained, and yet you've killed countless cavern critters, a small goblin ambush, and best of all, an ETTIN. You took down the berserk child before she could cause major trouble quite nicely, too. But for the gods' sakes, did one of you have to hit that tantrumming recruit quite so hard? A punch in the nose would have sufficed. Now I have to engrave a slab for him. What an ignoble end.
I look forward to sending you against the first Forgotten Beast to visit, when it does. I hope you won't mind me sealing the cavern behind you until we see what happens out.
Proudly,
Your Overseer
When we die, we're going to hit YOU a little too hard in the nose.
With magma,
The militia
Post by: Loud Whispers on October 31, 2011, 01:12:23 pm
Quote from: The Grenadier's handbook to infantry Dwarfship
The beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Post by: Necro910 on October 31, 2011, 01:14:02 pm
Both sides are correct.Quote from: The Grenadier's handbook to infantry DwarfshipThe beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Post by: Malarauko on October 31, 2011, 03:58:02 pm
Surely Drunken Idiot is an honorific among dwarves?Both sides are correct.Quote from: The Grenadier's handbook to infantry DwarfshipThe beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Also Dear Dwarves,
The goblins are behind a 4 tile thick solid granite wall with a magma moat. Just because you can see him does not mean he can kill you. He does not have voodoo eyes!
Your sincerely, The Overseer.
Post by: mr_seeker on October 31, 2011, 05:35:11 pm
I know you like thrones. I know you love them soo much, that you wanted 3 new thrones and putting an export ban on it. Next time, just ask me to put them in your room instead of putting an useless export ban on thrones...
Your overseer.
Post by: mr_seeker on October 31, 2011, 06:24:14 pm
Post by: Necro910 on October 31, 2011, 06:27:10 pm
I know you love ballistas, but if you want them, you should mandate them, and not ban the export of them. We never even made a siege workshop to manufacture ballista parts!
With magma,
Necro
Post by: Loud Whispers on October 31, 2011, 06:30:43 pm
Surely Drunken Idiot is an honorific among dwarves?Both sides are correct.Quote from: The Grenadier's handbook to infantry DwarfshipThe beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Also Dear Dwarves,
The goblins are behind a 4 tile thick solid granite wall with a magma moat. Just because you can see him does not mean he can kill you. He does not have voodoo eyes!
Your sincerely, The Overseer.
Being a drunken dwarf is better.
Post by: Time Blossom on October 31, 2011, 06:48:42 pm
Granted, we're leaving out "savant," but still.
(Dwarf savant is best savant)
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 31, 2011, 06:52:02 pm
Dear Urist Mc Awesome.I really like it!
Quit being Awesome and actually do something.
Sincerely, job queue.
Dear DF.
PLEASE, STOP CRASHING ON EMBARK.
Sincerely, Urist Mc10minutesWastedOnSkillAssigments.
Dear Urist Mc10MinuesWastedOnSkillAssignments,
Embark profiles can help next time.
Post by: mr_seeker on November 01, 2011, 09:06:54 am
EDIT: Urist McPump just found out how to swim...
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 01, 2011, 12:19:04 pm
Post by: Sutremaine on November 01, 2011, 02:40:12 pm
Dear Urist Mc10MinuesWastedOnSkillAssignments,If you're spending 10 minutes on skill assignments alone, then you're probably tailoring skills to individual dwarves. Embark profiles assign skills to dwarves based on their position in the list, not on their stats.
Embark profiles can help next time.
The DGC helps immensely here, although I often ignore its military suggestions in favour of picking dwarves who are fast healers and not horribly clumsy.
Post by: Kogut on November 01, 2011, 03:30:55 pm
Thanks! I even started preparing similar tool!Dear Urist Mc10MinuesWastedOnSkillAssignments,If you're spending 10 minutes on skill assignments alone, then you're probably tailoring skills to individual dwarves. Embark profiles assign skills to dwarves based on their position in the list, not on their stats.
Embark profiles can help next time.
The DGC helps immensely here, although I often ignore its military suggestions in favour of picking dwarves who are fast healers and not horribly clumsy.
Post by: Hitty40 on November 01, 2011, 04:12:16 pm
Did you really go and server 3 Dwarves' crotches in a tantrum?
Post by: mr_seeker on November 01, 2011, 04:40:00 pm
Dear Urist McCrotchServerer,
Did you really go and server 3 Dwarves' crotches in a tantrum?
"You cheated on my wife!" *crotch attack*
"You cheated too!" *crotch attack*
"And you... I dont know, but I love the blood!" *crotch attack*
Post by: Necro910 on November 01, 2011, 04:40:57 pm
Let's just hope those three dwarves weren't women :oDear Urist McCrotchServerer,
Did you really go and server 3 Dwarves' crotches in a tantrum?
"You cheated on my wife!" *crotch attack*
"You cheated too!" *crotch attack*
"And you... I dont know, but I love the blood!" *crotch attack*
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on November 01, 2011, 05:31:44 pm
It helps, with gear if nothing else.Dear Urist Mc10MinuesWastedOnSkillAssignments,If you're spending 10 minutes on skill assignments alone, then you're probably tailoring skills to individual dwarves. Embark profiles assign skills to dwarves based on their position in the list, not on their stats.
Embark profiles can help next time.
The DGC helps immensely here, although I often ignore its military suggestions in favour of picking dwarves who are fast healers and not horribly clumsy.
-----
Memo to Aban Halltufts, former stonecrafter of Dawnstone.
Aban, you aren't a stonecrafter anymore; that guy who kicked you out of the workshop and grabbed random stuff is your replacement. Don't worry, though, a position in the militia just opened up! Please report to the militia captain by noon tomorrow to obtain your equipment. We’ll start you with a training spear and move you to the real thing when we’re certain you won’t kill all of your squadmates.
Sincerely,
Olin “Great-Wyrm Bronze” Smootharrows, Expedition Leader, Manager, Sherrif, Broker, and Bookkeeper of Dawnstone.
Post by: Greiger on November 01, 2011, 07:58:58 pm
Good Boy!
Have a treat!
*envelope contains a choice chunk of raw cow meat*
Impressed by how efficiently you dealt with that master thief. Seriously, you bit him in the head, latched on, injected venom, AND pushed him into the river in one attack.
Sincerely,
The Administration
Post by: Togre on November 02, 2011, 04:55:33 pm
Do you have any idea how close you came to death? You are graced with the simplest, least labor intensive tasks of the entire fort. You have all labors turned off so you do strain your voice. When a caravan shows up, I don't even make you decide whether or not to go to the Depot, I gave you your very own burrow. When you staid on break for half a month before reporting to said burrow, I wasn't angry. When you promptly took a one month break at the Depot instead of trading, I wasn't angry. When you laziness caused you to get thirsty, I started having facial twitches, but I removed the burrow. When you decided to take another break after your drink and then grab a snack, I seriously started looking for the magma. The only reason you are still alive is that you did manage to make a trade before the elves left and you got a giant moose. That's nice, but you are pushing your luck. I'm gonna keep an eye on you.
In unrelated news, workmen will be by your office this week to install a lever. Please accommodate any of their needs.
Your Unamused Overseer
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 02, 2011, 04:58:23 pm
Brokers then have to EVALUATE EVERY SINGLE ITEM IN YOUR FORTRESS. And there are a lot.
Managers.... Well it depends. Sounds like you just have lazy peasants with name tags on their beards pretending to be Brokers and what not D:<
Post by: Togre on November 02, 2011, 08:11:45 pm
You mad bro?
Mad? MAAADDD??? MAADDDDD!?!!
No? Why you ask?
But, yeah, I know he has actual work to do. If he had been doing work I would have understood and been able to lighten his load. But NOOOO, he's by the pool, winking at the cabana boys.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 02, 2011, 08:22:10 pm
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 03, 2011, 07:26:09 am
WHY U NO VISIT RIGHTRACK?
Seriously. Caverns only 6 z-levels down, over 100 dwarves, nearly 1 million wealth? We not good enough for you, you snobby bastards?
The bored Overseer of Rightrack
Post by: Hitty40 on November 03, 2011, 08:08:11 am
If you are not a soapmaker, please don't migrate here.
The overseer.
Post by: Sutremaine on November 03, 2011, 09:49:40 am
Thanks! I even started preparing similar tool!Hmm, how were you getting the dwarf info? DGC is nice, but having to export through Runesmith each time is a minor annoyance.
Post by: Hitty40 on November 03, 2011, 05:33:23 pm
I know, I know: you are out of tallow even after the most recent Elf slaughter. Why can't you just order the guards to kill the 3 nearby elephants already?!
The voice in the sky.
Post by: UristMcHuman on November 03, 2011, 05:43:20 pm
Just 'cause I turned off your woodcutting labor DOES NOT mean that you can go and do nothing with your carpentry labour STILL ON when I need WOODEN floors built. GET TO WORK OR I'LL DROWN YOU IN THE AQUIFER.
Sincerely, The Overseer.
Post by: Wannazzaki on November 03, 2011, 05:48:57 pm
I will not panic and save your arses with liberal application of military when you swarm out to claim goblinite when the first of a rather large siege steps on a trap and become a fine mist, i will let you all die one by one and i will laugh at your pathetic screams.
Yours, a very frustrated Overseer.
Post by: Tevish Szat on November 03, 2011, 07:57:12 pm
You are thirsty. Thankfully for you, I installed a drink stockpile right next to the dining hall. Unfortunatley, you instead decided to take the psychotic walk to the Brewery & Food Prep Area, at the farms several embark tiles away.
If you die thanks to your insistence on going for whatever particular drink is over there, I will laugh at your corpse.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McInteresting
You're a legendary miner and a skilled brewer. I understand that after hewing most of these mountain halls yourself, you may feel entitled to a little rest, kicking back and training your brewing.
But really, I need a legendary miner right now to help dig out the multi-z-level grand hall, or the chasm to the depths. I'd like it if you attended to the mining tasks of your own free will, but If I have to bar you from brewing, I will
Signed,
Your Overseer
PS: Your weapon training will start eventually. Right now, it's low priority.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 04, 2011, 05:07:03 pm
WTF.
...
That is all.
Post by: Necro910 on November 04, 2011, 05:30:10 pm
Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Post by: MehMuffin on November 04, 2011, 07:10:37 pm
4 of you have taken a break in the last month twice. 3 of you are working. But somehow, not one of you has the time to construct my brand new alchemy laboratory. You may notice a few of the workers installing a grate and pipe or two in your rooms. Please let them go about their business. And stay in your rooms.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 04, 2011, 07:14:13 pm
Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Post by: Necro910 on November 04, 2011, 07:14:59 pm
Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Magma. Solves. Everything.
With magma,
Necro910
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 04, 2011, 07:18:40 pm
Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Magma. Solves. Everything.
With magma,
Necro910
Not math. At least not all of it.
Post by: Teneb on November 04, 2011, 07:21:32 pm
WHY did you think it's a good idea to jump into a waterfall in order to get to the other side?
As a result, once the reclaiming party arrives, your slabs will be placed in the middle of the refuse pile.
- The Management.
Post by: Necro910 on November 04, 2011, 07:23:13 pm
Magma the paper, the thing said paper was supposed to achieve, and magma the assigner of said paper for good measure.Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Magma. Solves. Everything.
With magma,
Necro910
Not math. At least not all of it.
Congratulations, no more math to do :P
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 04, 2011, 07:25:39 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Is math learned, or is it discovered?
Quote from: Bay12
Magma.
Sincerely, Loud Whispers.
Post by: krenshala on November 05, 2011, 02:17:56 am
... he was only with us for nine months, and during that time he worked in our small farm and trained with the other recruits in our fledgling militia. He had a long future ahead of him, assuming he didn't die gloriously in combat sooner rather than later, here in Sakrithalath (Blazedbolts). However, despite his rapid progress in weapons training, he apparently chose not to learn from the mistake of Zefon Sarveshuzol, your fellow recruit and immigrant from that same early autumn last year, who has just returned to duty after her nose, arm and leg were broken in her 3 z-level fall.
To the rest of you recruits, I have asked your commander, Kogsak Desissigun, to reduce the size of the sparring area in the hopes that we won't have a third militia member take it into their heads to dodge away from a training spear and into the well. Mind you, since we are installing a drainage tank in order to retrieve the valuable equipment Meng is no longer using -- oh, and his corpse, yes -- I am tempted to leave the area at its current designation to see if you can swim long enough for one of your lazy compatriots to reach the appropriate lever if any of you decide to be the third person to dodge into the well.
Squadron; dismissed!
... I should have stayed in the mountainhome.
Post by: nightdagger on November 05, 2011, 04:14:23 am
While I understand that it can be quite terrifying to have one swoop down on you from the sky unexpectedly, I assure you that geese are completely harmless and will not hurt you while you're trying to construct the water wheel needed to ensure that our dining room doesn't get flooded by the mist generator.
Get back to work.
Regards,
-Nightdagger
Post by: Iton Ibrukrithzam on November 05, 2011, 05:23:55 am
Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
It is true that magma only goes so far. Luckily for us, how far it goes is ALL THE WAY, plus several tiles, usually.
Signed,
Iton
Dear Urist McPicky,
Eat the buzzard. I know it's probably not the best meat ever, but we're out of elf meat until the next elf christmas. No, you may not eat the crops, those are for booze.
Signed,
Your Wicked Overseer.
Post by: Deus Machina on November 05, 2011, 11:20:44 am
I was going to try to capture you for my own financial gain, but the announcement of your arrival came in the form of a shout as one of our armorers saw you just in time for you to shove him down the 58 z-level ore delivery chute.
Now I'm going to attempt to capture you so I can figure out the slowest way to kill you.
-The overseer, handing out weapons himself.
Post by: Theifofdreams on November 05, 2011, 10:06:31 pm
Yes, all glory to Grandfather Nurgle, but there's a reason that noone is allowed in that room except the normal sacrifices.
It hasn't even been a year, yet.
Oh well, the FBS is still incredibly potent, and Nurgle will have a pleasant surprise.
Your chaos-worshipping overseer.
Post by: zehive on November 05, 2011, 11:56:59 pm
Post by: Wannazzaki on November 06, 2011, 04:35:09 pm
How did you manage to get one attack from a black demon directed at a single military dwarf infect 80 of you, resulting in 100% covering of bruises and suffocation.
Special mention to: The Baron; You have everything turned off. How did your 18 children who accompany you around become part of the casualty number?
Yours, laughing overseer.
Post by: Hitty40 on November 06, 2011, 04:54:12 pm
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 06, 2011, 07:06:23 pm
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples
Here are some strawberries. You see that horse that sets everything on fire? Feed it.
~Sincerely, kind noble.
Post by: Hitty40 on November 06, 2011, 07:25:09 pm
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples
Here are some strawberries. You see that horse that sets everything on fire? Feed it.
~Sincerely, kind noble.
Dear Kind Noble,
The horse is ON. FUCKING. FIRE. There's way in Armok I'm going near it.
Urist McPerson
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 06, 2011, 07:29:25 pm
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples
Here are some strawberries. You see that horse that sets everything on fire? Feed it.
~Sincerely, kind noble.
Dear Kind Noble,
The horse is ON. FUCKING. FIRE. There's way in Armok I'm going near it.
Urist McPerson
Dear Urist McPerson,
I mandate you make me 9001 adamantine socks engraved with slade by yesterday.
YO MAD?
Post by: Hitty40 on November 06, 2011, 07:36:49 pm
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples
Here are some strawberries. You see that horse that sets everything on fire? Feed it.
~Sincerely, kind noble.
Dear Kind Noble,
The horse is ON. FUCKING. FIRE. There's way in Armok I'm going near it.
Urist McPerson
Dear Urist McPerson,
I mandate you make me 9001 adamantine socks engraved with slade by yesterday.
YO MAD?
Dear YO MAD?,
Your 9001 adamantine socks were finished last month...
Urist McPerson
Post by: Monk321654 on November 06, 2011, 07:39:03 pm
Send me some bloody forge workers, I have Iron Ore EVERYWHERE!
Sincerely, this random little fortress.
Post by: Tiruin on November 06, 2011, 08:28:17 pm
Dear Mountain Home:
Send me some bloody forge workers, I have Iron Ore EVERYWHERE!
Sincerely, this random little fortress.
Dear Overseer,
We're using them all. Use the other soap workers we send.
Sincerely, Urist McUrist
Merchant & Migration services
Post by: Gizogin on November 06, 2011, 08:58:04 pm
When a roaming group of dragonling merchants decide to set a significant portion of the land surrounding the fortress on fire, it would probably be a good idea to NOT WALK THROUGH IT. Nor would it be anything resembling intelligent to haul all the cloth from our trading with said merchants THROUGH SAID FIRE, and then take the flaming cloth DIRECTLY INTO THE FOOD STOCKPILES. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. THE CLOTH STOCKPILES ARE IN THE OPPOSITE END OF THE FORTRESS.
YOUR OVERSEER,
GIZOGIN McMYRAGEISSUCHTHATONLYCAPSCANADEQUATELYEXPRESSIT
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 06, 2011, 09:00:49 pm
I JUST RAGE QUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
AND IT FELT SO shit.
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on November 06, 2011, 09:02:38 pm
Please don't chase after that elephant. I understand that you have a sense of duty, but your processors aren't meant to withstand a kick from a heavy elephant.
Thanks,
Your loving Master.
Post by: Mapleguy555 on November 06, 2011, 09:34:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Everything but FPS death.
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
Did you seriously have to pull that lever with your entire squadron in tow? Look at the
entire hallway! It's covered with... oh, right. I would like to remind you not to fondle your lover
as you wander the hallways, condemned forever to not having booze, cupcakes, and !!MAGMA!!.
Now go fetch Urist McBastardManager!
Administration of Zas Ebal, The Crystal of Reverences, Overseer Rank 9001,
Maple
Post by: DragDen on November 07, 2011, 02:05:10 am
Do you remember that accident several years ago? When you mandated production of bismuth items, and then nearly killed one of our best crafters?
To prevent such drastic measures, I created a prison, so you can order fortress guard to imprison those lazy dwarfs. But guess what? There is no fortress guard. Nobody will listen you. Forever.
PS: That one cage in prison is for you. You are always welcome.
With insidious grin, your overlord Drag Den.
Post by: saltmummy626 on November 07, 2011, 02:37:18 am
It isnt your job to bring things to the depot when you should be trading. drinking and eating I understand, but when you have been assigned to a burrow that just so happens to be JUST the depot, you should not leave it to go get things you SHOULD be trading away. that is peasant work, and below your station.
Dear Urist Mcthirsty
the fort has enough booze in it to keep a far larger fort running for at least a year, why are you drinking from the river, and (more importantly) bitching about having your arms pulled of by a sturgeon?
Post by: restricted on November 07, 2011, 02:40:33 am
Why complain about the miasma? That corpse is clearly marked to be removed, yet you seem to like watching it rot atop of the food stockpiles. I realize you must have enjoyed watching it die quite a lot, but that is no excuse.
Post by: senamic on November 07, 2011, 10:49:40 am
The fort had 17 population. Your millitia was made up of 5 of these dwarves. How do you all die to the Giant Rat that walks into the fort?
Sincerely,
Your disgruntled leader, now considering nuking your fort.
Post by: eggrock on November 09, 2011, 12:07:01 pm
Attn: Department Chief
Regarding: Future diplomatic endeavors
Dear Sir or Madam
In situfations where a large force of goblin invaders is encamped to the west of our mountainhome, when we open the east gate to allow your diplomat egress, we would appreciate it if he or she continued to travel in that direction for at least a half day's march to avoid potential danger. Circling around the fort and heading directly into the arms of the invaders is not something we generally recommend to our non-noble population.
As a related note, we declined your generous offer of a Barony. Since the remains of your previous diplomat appear to be roasting over a goblin campfire, we expect that this is the first you heard of our rejection.
Sincerely,
Veiledmines Overseer
Post by: Garath on November 09, 2011, 01:21:43 pm
Post by: khearn on November 09, 2011, 02:26:29 pm
If you'd clearly define where we can and can't go during an attack, we'd be happy to stay there. I think there is something called a "burrow" and a "civilian alert".
Sincerely,
Those of us who have managed to survive your rule so far
Post by: Iton Ibrukrithzam on November 10, 2011, 03:09:19 am
You were already a level 14 butcher. I already loved and needed you. Then you noticed my attempts to train up a blacksmith on random junk so we could have nice, masterwork gold statues for the base. You then decided that was the job for you and went into a mood to build me an artifact iron door, thus launching yourself to legendary blacksmith status. Thank you so much. The engravers have finished lining your new expanded room with mostly masterwork engravings. I'm buying some of your favorite materials to make you nice things out of.
Thanks again,
Your pleasantly surprised overlord.
Post by: Garath on November 10, 2011, 07:27:51 am
Dear Garath,
If you'd clearly define where we can and can't go during an attack, we'd be happy to stay there. I think there is something called a "burrow" and a "civilian alert".
Sincerely,
Those of us who have managed to survive your rule so far
eg, noone (edit: done)
Post by: ansontan2000 on November 10, 2011, 09:22:53 am
Don't complain about there being no work when all of this rock is lying around everywhere.
Your overlord.
Post by: Iton Ibrukrithzam on November 11, 2011, 02:08:37 am
I get that you're jealous that I gave Urist McKickass better rooms than yours. It's just that he's useful and you aren't. You didn't have to punch the miner and break a nice table. Perhaps you could try being useful by testing this magma-based disposal chute?
Because I will see you die.
~Iton
Post by: Grytorm on November 11, 2011, 11:04:20 pm
When I locked you in and your buddies in a room with a bunch of troglodytes and a troll outnumbering you two to one it wasn't personal. I was only bored.
Signed,
Grytorm
Post by: Hitty40 on November 11, 2011, 11:08:09 pm
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?
-Urist
Post by: Theifofdreams on November 13, 2011, 10:26:14 pm
Dear Grytorm,Dear -Urist
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?
-Urist
The same thing as every other dwarf. We're a mad, maaaad race of xenophobic, nihilistic, selfish pricks. The better question is, what isn't wrong with you, to think that this was unacceptable?
- Urist mcCorpsehaulerthatfoundyourletter
Post by: penguinofhonor on November 14, 2011, 02:59:33 am
There are three goblin macemen attacking you. They've been attacking you for weeks. Why the hell do I have to wait for you to die of thirst before this siege will end?
-penguinofhonor
Post by: Keldor on November 15, 2011, 03:43:25 am
'Cause ye're supposed te be rescuin' me, ye numbskull!
-Indestructible Soldier
Post by: lazygun on November 15, 2011, 06:58:56 am
Do you see that zone around the magma oubliette? Yes, the one marked garbage. "Garbage" not "Meeting Hall". And inactive anyway. So why for Armok's sake are you hanging around there while on break? And you have the cheek to complain about the smell!
Your bemused and frustrated fortress overlord.
Post by: Garath on November 15, 2011, 07:09:31 am
Post by: jamesadelong on November 15, 2011, 09:58:43 am
Dear Urist McKickass,
You were already a level 14 butcher. I already loved and needed you. Then you noticed my attempts to train up a blacksmith on random junk so we could have nice, masterwork gold statues for the base. You then decided that was the job for you and went into a mood to build me an artifact iron door, thus launching yourself to legendary blacksmith status. Thank you so much. The engravers have finished lining your new expanded room with mostly masterwork engravings. I'm buying some of your favorite materials to make you nice things out of.
Thanks again,
Your pleasantly surprised overlord.
Dear Iton
I would like to inform you that my foray into a variety of other industries is a well planned maneuver to ensure my survival. With time I hope to replace everybody inside this fortress and be the only one around. Then you won't have any choice but to keep me alive. Also, it means I get all of the *(*pigtail fiber socks*)*.
Sincerely UristMcKickass
Post by: Theifofdreams on November 16, 2011, 02:47:07 am
do you see the small mining area i gave you? why do you still insist on burrowing through the middel and then haphazardly mining randon blocks in any location? i know a 3x3 area is very effective, but as soon as its 7x7, you run up and down, hacking at a spot here, poking a new spot somewhere away.... why dont you just mine the next closest piece noone else is mining?
Dear Garath
It gives a pleasing symmetry while I work, why else? And exercise, which is important for any healthy dwarf to have. if you want me to work one tile at a time, why not only tell me one at a time? or at least only have them in rows...
Urist Mcoverlyelaborateminer
Post by: Mrhappyface on November 16, 2011, 08:35:43 am
1. What skills do you bring to the mountain home? Explain...
2. What do you plan to achieve here? Explain...
3. Do you feel you will be happy here? Y/N
4. Are you willing to live your life here in a small 1*1 room with just a bed and having to subside on a diet of plump helmets and plump helmet wine? Y/N
5. Are you willing to spend your entire life creating rock mugs and plump helmet biscuits until you die alone and unremembered in some dark mineshaft? Y/N
6. Are you willing to forage for mushrooms and webs in a dark cavern filled with twisted abominations of the deep and horrors unremembered by the aeons past? Y/N
7. Are you willing to work next an open chasm leading into the fiery depths of the earth, and having to constantly be running up and down a flight of steps with chunks of heavy rock? Y/N
If you answered no to questions 3 to 7, then congratulations! You are now a member of the armed forces of the mountainhome! Don your metal armor and report to the training area, where you will be locked in for a week and beaten by wooden spears until unconscious!
Post by: Shinotsa on November 16, 2011, 08:38:43 am
Here is a immigration form, mandatory for all unsure arrivalsuseless migrantsto the fortress:
1. What skills do you bring to the mountain home? Explain...
2. What do you plan to achieve here? Explain...
3. Do you feel you will be happy here? Y/N
4. Are you willing to live your life here in a small 1*1 room with just a bed and having to subside on a diet of plump helmets and plump helmet wine? Y/N
5. Are you willing to spend your entire life creating rock mugs and plump helmet biscuits until you die alone and unremembered in some dark mineshaft? Y/N
6. Are you willing to forage for mushrooms and webs in a dark cavern filled with twisted abominations of the deep and horrors unremembered by the aeons past? Y/N
7. Are you willing to work next an open chasm leading into the fiery depths of the earth, and having to constantly be running up and down a flight of steps with chunks of heavy rock? Y/N
If you answered no to questions 3 to 7, then congratulations! You are now a member of the armed forces of the mountainhome! Don your metal armor and report to the training area, where you will be locked in for a week and beaten by wooden spears until unconscious!
Your fortress has attracted no migrants this season
Post by: Garath on November 16, 2011, 10:43:30 am
SO
why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY
ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 16, 2011, 03:56:07 pm
I did what you wanted! I made a nice burrow encompass the whole inside of the fort, and all working space, all but the outside surface and the trap corridor.
SO
why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY
ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?
That wasn't a dwarf, that was a badger.
In fact, every migrant has been a badger wearing a mask. You now have 200 adamantine clad badgers in the heart of your fortress.
Gg.
Post by: Xenogenic on November 17, 2011, 08:52:36 am
I did what you wanted! I made a nice burrow encompass the whole inside of the fort, and all working space, all but the outside surface and the trap corridor.
SO
why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY
ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?
Dear Gareth,
Try linking this burrow to a civilian alert, and activating it on the military screen. All of use badgers will then run inside.
Yours,
Adamantine Clad Badger Corp
Post by: calico103 on November 17, 2011, 08:03:37 pm
You're an idiot. As if losing the materials you needed wasn't bad enough, you just had to lose them right next to the building you were supposed to use them for.
Seriously considering giving your job to someone else,
Calico
Dear Urist McFurnaceoperator
When I want a metalsmith forge to be built, you need to build the forge. We have more than enough steel bars from the creation forge (yeah, I'm using that, so sue me); stop making them. And don't go on break after you're done with the steel bars.
Get your job priorities straight,
Calico
Post by: Doughnut189 on November 17, 2011, 08:22:05 pm
What the fuck are you guys doing? Only about three dwarves are occupied right now and those are the ones deforesting the map, digging a ditch, and building bridges.
So why, oh why, are the plump helmets rotting in the just-plowed fields?
If you guys starve and die this early on THEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING A DAMNED SLAB.
Sincerely,
je ne sais quoi
Post by: calico103 on November 17, 2011, 10:22:10 pm
I hope you're happy. The merchant party has left, and you spent the whole time updating our stockpile records. I hope you like the position of Peasant, because that's what you are now. You have been replaced with Urist McItookyourjobhaha.
Get out of that office and get a life,
Calico
P.S.: Well, you took that rather well, considering you're now romantically involved with McItookyourjobhaha. However, he needs room to concentrate. Get out of his office.
Post by: Koronii on November 18, 2011, 04:36:28 am
WHEN I TELL YOU TO KILL THAT THIEVING GOBLIN I DO NOT MEAN RUN INSIDE THE FORTRESS, BECAUSE OF YOU HE GOT AWAY. YOU'RE LUCKY I DON;T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Sincerely,
Your shoutY overseer
Post by: Endiqua on November 18, 2011, 08:52:04 am
Dear starting seven dwarves, and Urist McPlanter in particular,
What the fuck are you guys doing? Only about three dwarves are occupied right now and those are the ones deforesting the map, digging a ditch, and building bridges.
So why, oh why, are the plump helmets rotting in the just-plowed fields?
If you guys starve and die this early on THEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING A DAMNED SLAB.
Sincerely,
je ne sais quoi
Dear JNSQ,
Hey, boss, did you perhaps tell us not to gather food in the (o)rders menu?
Sincerely and all that,
Urist McPlanter
Post by: Doughnut189 on November 18, 2011, 07:29:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear JNSQ,
Hey, boss, did you perhaps tell us not to gather food in the (o)rders menu?
Sincerely and all that,
Urist McPlanter
Dear Urist McUrist McPlanter,
No I did not.
However, since you seem to be harvesting the plump helmets now, and due to the migrant sorting system and clothes manufactory still being under construction, you will be allowed to go on with your tasks. I am watching you.
Sincerely,
jnsq
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 18, 2011, 10:37:16 pm
Fuck you. You cost me a fort today, asshole. Because you decided to crash while I was playing DF, the game's coding sees this as a 'save scum'. Which it wasn't. We all know what save scumming can do, intentional or not. Screw you, you stupid piece of jumk. I'll be glad when I can afford that nice new desktop.
NOT amused
Me
Post by: Reudh on November 18, 2011, 11:19:16 pm
Post by: imperium3 on November 19, 2011, 07:16:17 am
Dear Archers #1, 2, and 3,this is why giant serrated blades are epic.
WHEN I TELL YOU TO KILL THAT THIEVING GOBLIN I DO NOT MEAN RUN INSIDE THE FORTRESS, BECAUSE OF YOU HE GOT AWAY. YOU'RE LUCKY I DON;T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Sincerely,
Your shoutY overseer
thief comes in, gets shredded, nothing, not even a 'Thief protect the horde' thing
Don't kobold thieves have [TRAPAVOID]? They've been waltzing through my traps without repercussion for ages (on the other hand that tag doesn't do very much against axedwarves carrying *steel axes*).
Post by: Hitty40 on November 19, 2011, 12:16:37 pm
Dear crappy laptop,
Fuck you. You cost me a fort today, asshole. Because you decided to crash while I was playing DF, the game's coding sees this as a 'save scum'. Which it wasn't. We all know what save scumming can do, intentional or not. Screw you, you stupid piece of jumk. I'll be glad when I can afford that nice new desktop.
NOT amused
Me
Dear you,
Like I give a damn.
Crappy Laptop
Post by: Akura on November 19, 2011, 01:02:32 pm
Please stop complaining that you cannot pick up your baby due to injuries. We know you've lost your right hand. And your baby is dead anyway. Seriously, stop pleading for your dead baby, it's
...Did you just give birth? Okay, stop complaining about that baby too...
...and now you've died of dehydration. *sigh* Fine.
Dear Haulers:
Please toss Mrs. McFormerCommander's corpse over the refuse cliff, alongside the partial skeleton of her first child.
Dear Engravers:
Please engrave a slab for Mrs. McFormerCommander.
Dear Mrs. McNewCommander:
Thank you for not bleating endlessly about not being able to hold your baby, unlike your predecessor. However, you probably should have kept a better eye on your baby. Otherwise, if we all live long enough, you'll have to face your child in battle, as he has been taken as a war slave as he was wandering outside the village wall.
Dear everyone else:
Look, I know everyone has lost friends lately, from battle, to injuries, to infections, to Mrs. McFormerCommander over there. But, that new meeting hall won't build itself. Get to it.
Dear Goblins:
Seriously, a quadruple ambush? It's not like we have much of value, only tamed fluffly wamblers and captured fairies no one seems to want to adopt(despite modding to allow it).
Dear everyone:
Please. Adopt a fairy today. Otherwise, I'll sell them to some elven kid who will probably use them as an instant-heal-on-death. And we don't want the elf to survive.
They do, but goblin thieves do not.Dear Archers #1, 2, and 3,this is why giant serrated blades are epic.
WHEN I TELL YOU TO KILL THAT THIEVING GOBLIN I DO NOT MEAN RUN INSIDE THE FORTRESS, BECAUSE OF YOU HE GOT AWAY. YOU'RE LUCKY I DON;T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Sincerely,
Your shoutY overseer
thief comes in, gets shredded, nothing, not even a 'Thief protect the horde' thing
Don't kobold thieves have [TRAPAVOID]? They've been waltzing through my traps without repercussion for ages (on the other hand that tag doesn't do very much against axedwarves carrying *steel axes*).
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 19, 2011, 03:16:41 pm
Dear crappy laptop,
Fuck you. You cost me a fort today, asshole. Because you decided to crash while I was playing DF, the game's coding sees this as a 'save scum'. Which it wasn't. We all know what save scumming can do, intentional or not. Screw you, you stupid piece of jumk. I'll be glad when I can afford that nice new desktop.
NOT amused
Me
Dear you,
Like I give a damn.
Crappy Laptop
Exactly, and that's why you're crappy. You'll give a damn when you become a !!laptop!! after I replace you :P
Dear person above who asked what save scumming does
I don't know the specifics, but it cn corrupt your save. Which, of course, it did.
Me
Post by: Doughnut189 on November 19, 2011, 04:41:40 pm
Exactly, and that's why you're crappy. You'll give a damn when you become a !!laptop!! after I replace you :P
Dear person above who asked what save scumming does
I don't know the specifics, but it cn corrupt your save. Which, of course, it did.
Me
Savescumming is frowned upon because the game is clearly meant to not be loaded, and for the player to live with the consequences of their actions. Savescumming is when one copies the save data from the game, and keeps it on hand in case something goes so horribly wrong that they want to load.
...
DEAR MIGRANTS,
You're really hurting our economy, and frankly I wish you would think of people other than yourselves for once.
Please stop going through the grates with the rest of the refuse water. How will we sell your clothes now?
With love,
jnsq
Post by: Zyro on November 19, 2011, 05:41:21 pm
I know you can consider mountains as the "Teeth" of the planet, but,"The Teeth of Brushing".Really?
Confused,a minor servant of armok.
Post by: krenshala on November 19, 2011, 06:06:11 pm
Dear explorers and/or the RNG,
I know you can consider mountains as the "Teeth" of the planet, but,"The Teeth of Brushing".Really?
Confused,a minor servant of armok.
Confused,
Those are the giant stone Teeth of Brushing the sky! Also, we have noticed certain civilizations find them useful for brushing off goblins, elves and even the occasional human.
Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for the Assistant Secretary to the Deputy Assistant of the Secretary for the Cartography Department of Armalright*
* Armok's younger, much weaker and geekier brother
Post by: Hitty40 on November 19, 2011, 08:20:17 pm
Thank you for crushing the 4-goblin ambush before the military have gotten ready to fight. Sadly, that doesn't mean you can also kill my expedition leader/broker/bookkeeper in the process. Report to the Butchers for debriefing.
- The Overseer
Post by: Reudh on November 19, 2011, 08:55:47 pm
How is it that I was able to nominate you for a barony? You aren't even tamed and therefore part of my fort?
Though I look forward to your lack of mandates, I am confused. A glorified horse giving us orders?
-Reudh
Post by: Necro910 on November 19, 2011, 09:02:59 pm
To Baron Unicorn,
How is it that I was able to nominate you for a barony? You aren't even tamed and therefore part of my fort?
Though I look forward to your lack of mandates, I am confused. A glorified horse giving us orders?
-Reudh
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: krenshala on November 19, 2011, 09:59:22 pm
Post by: Necro910 on November 19, 2011, 10:02:17 pm
Ya beat me to it, Necro. I was gonna ask if he had joined you guys in the MLF addiction. :D
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reudh on November 19, 2011, 11:48:36 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 20, 2011, 11:12:04 am
Quote from: My solution to everything in life
I suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.
Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.
Post by: krenshala on November 20, 2011, 01:08:08 pm
So, do you dig them out, or just slap a slab onto the block of ice that has become his tomb? :DQuote from: My solution to everything in lifeI suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.
Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 20, 2011, 03:50:27 pm
So, do you dig them out, or just slap a slab onto the block of ice that has become his tomb? :DQuote from: My solution to everything in lifeI suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.
Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.
I try to extend my fortress around them, and build lovely gardens and meeting zones around them. Observe the frozen cave-dwarves future dwarves!
Post by: Deus Machina on November 21, 2011, 03:21:19 am
The compactor has an active dump zone, literally five steps from you.
Every other dump zone has been turned inactive. The closest is 12 Z-levels up.
It now has a hatch blocking you from using the adjoining staircase.
Why are you idiots walking 35 spaces to the staircase, up to 58 Z-levels up, then 35 spaces back, to drop that stone down the delivery chute you just removed it from?
-The overseer, who will be drafting and stationing your dumb asses at the bottom of the delivery chute.
Post by: imperium3 on November 21, 2011, 04:55:35 am
That was a good job dealing with the forgotten beast that recently attacked, yes the one with poisonous blood. And seriously, I'm very pleased that you took good care to clean your armour of the blood afterwards - you're too important to wander around risking contagion.
HOWEVER, and I don't know who it was, please do NOT wash the blood off in the middle of the main staircase to the underground storage, where anyone might step in it. If you need assurance as to why, why not take a day's leave to visit Urist McLegendaryCook's funeral while you ponder exactly who is going to make your lunch rations from now on...
The Management
Post by: Reudh on November 21, 2011, 06:23:27 am
Seconds after we were made a barony, we received word that a hadrosaur with deadly dust was approaching. I sent you and Thob, our two finest swords(wo)men down to deal with it. I did not expect you to get knocked unconscious with the first hit, sealing Thob's fate. He may be strong and fast, but not as much as you. Naturally, he and his three recruits were killed near instantly.
Then by the time you had recovered, it had made its way to the main living space. Zaneg, by your weakness you caused the death of TEN and the injury of twenty more. And because you were too busy being unconscious, one of our miners had to deal with the Forgotten Beast. She killed it, but has received serious injury.
To top it all off, while you were unconscious, one of our wood burners went berserk because of lack of cloth, and chased the engraver around his jail cell until you killed him, then he killed EIGHT MORE before you finally saw fit to deal with him.
Zaneg, you're not my favourite anymore. Thob was an up-and-coming young star, and he died because of you. Eighteen others died indirectly. Twenty may never recover.
I have given you four recruits, it is all I can spare now. We are so shortstaffed that if they were to die, I simply could not conscript anyone else as they're involved in the running of the fortress. Thank Armok that our Stray Baron (tame) did not get killed.
Yours rather grumpily,
Reudh
Post by: ledgekindred on November 21, 2011, 10:46:59 am
Stop it with the bleeding syndromes on the forgotten beasts please. The first time was amusing, when it caused my dwarves to get all bruised up and bleed randomly. Fortunately that one went away without causing any serious harm.
The second time was, to be honest, hilarious, causing severe vomiting and near-instant death from bleeding out through the feet. I could only imagine dorfs walking along, stepping in a puddle of your goo, looking down and power vomiting on their feet, then having their feet explode, showering the halls with vomit-covered, bloody foot-chunks. I laughed.
But this is a bit much. I have yet another Forgotten Beast, this time with poisonous vapors. From what I can tell by how it tore through my early-warning guard dogs, its vapor causes all the blood in their body to decide to be somewhere else instantly, i.e. not inside the body, quite explosively. I can't wait to see what this does to my legendary military. And after that, the rest of my fort.
What's up with all this explosive bleeding you keep sending at me? Why couldn't you send me a Forgotten Beast that, say, caused hiccups, or made my dwarves feel mildly embarrassed for a short time? Vomiting and passing out would be fine. It would be like a bit frat party. But making all my dwarves bleed to death is getting kind of old.
Yrs,
Either your humble servant or your cheesed-off overseer, depending on who the hell gets this letter.
Post by: Reudh on November 21, 2011, 10:55:20 am
Blood is good, yes? Be it inside or out. I prefer it outside. You haven't paid me the tribute of blood for the blood god, so I am sending my failures to coax you to tribute. All the better that the one has explosive blood. I remember him.
Yours bloodily,
Junior Secretary to Armok's half-brother's nephew Armisgood, Screwtape.
Post by: mdqp on November 21, 2011, 12:00:43 pm
I know that you work hard everyday, create a lot of useful things whenever we need them, and your efforts are greatly appreciated.
I also know that after all that work, you might feel like your resting time is sacred, that you need it in order to work properly, but please, PLEASE, when I call onto your services to wall off a section of the mine that just recently breached hell itself, could you at least think about starting to move before the demons come to knock at your door next time?
Yours sincerely,
Mdqp, hivemind of your (now gone) fortress.
Post by: calico103 on November 24, 2011, 11:19:46 pm
Stop having High Master in skills we don't need. Especially you, Urist McCheesemaker.
Hoping you find a better life in fishing,
Calico
To the Mountainhomes:
Send more chickens. The wild badgers killed ours.
Hoping something horrible happens to the badger population,
Calico
Post by: Reudh on November 24, 2011, 11:22:45 pm
I asked you to build a drawbridge a year ago. You haven't even started it. Now we are under siege. Watch them waltz right inside and slaughter us all.
Sincerely, Reudh, grumpy overseer of Zalisiden.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 25, 2011, 01:31:05 pm
I am surprised. I tried to learn your customs, indeed only using Elf wood in the hopes of improving our civilisation's peace, and let the trees grow unhindered and untouched by Dwarven axes. I protected your caravans, even when you sent them during siege, fully knowing it would cause countless deaths on the hands of the Dwarves. We even supplied your retreats with hundreds of Urists worth of food and drink, even offering large bounties of crafts and trades goods, looking for any signs of thankfulness, and as of yet we have still been waiting. But yet, we still had been content.
Now, you demand we hand over our adamantine, and it is clear you show no intent to repay your debts, and clearly do not want to share the gift of immortality to Dwarves.
We are not fools. We declare war on your race, and will not stop till you, or we, are all dead.
Brace yourself, tree-folk, for we shall rain down floods of magma across your forests, the fires will become the fuel for our forges, animals butchered to feed our armies and all of your people slain. And we will share our adamantine with you, as we are kind Dwarves, though this will invariably come in the form of an axe to your thick skulls.
~Sincerely, the Overseer.
P.s, please devour the diplomat sent to tell this message, he has annoyed me greatly, and I do not want to waste the effort of building him a coffin.
Post by: Akura on November 25, 2011, 02:01:27 pm
When serving a warrant for a violent beating of someone who broke an export prohibition mandate issued moments before the caravan was scheduled to leave the depot, it is generally considered unprofessional to bite the offender on the leg, then shake them around. Likewise, please refrain from breaking noses of dwarves.
Dear Mayoress/Baroness:
Please stop issuing export prohibitions just prior to the caravans ship out, and please stop prohibiting the export of barrels. Because of this, four dwarves received vicious beatings, one of whom needed surgery to fix the comound fracture in his fingernail. In addition, there is now about half a dozen dwarves chained to the guardhouse floor, one of whom was arrested at his own wedding party.
Post by: roughedge on November 25, 2011, 03:27:57 pm
Why so much bloodshed, these where all your friends and pets, now they are just a bloody mess. And nobody brought you all that silly material you needed... we knew you were going to build another stupid artifact mug with seahorses on it... You know, thats why we walled your other friend in his shop until he died of thirst. I hope you make good fertiliser in the body pile at the bottom of the deep pit we just found. I heard there is a tentacled monster there.
Post by: Lielac on November 26, 2011, 12:15:18 pm
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
Subject: Your caravan load
Bring something decent (like, say, some tame giant badgers) for me to weaponize, I'm being terrorized by honey badgers here.
To: Broker
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
Subject: Re: Your work ethic
Luckily for you you haven't chosen to go on break at an inopportune time. Keep this up so I don't have to dump you in the the river.
To: Carpenters
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
CC: Masons, mechanics, woodcutters,
Subject: Re: The whole reason we embarked here
As soon as I've dug out the area for the machines to go, you'll all be working overtime to make those 180(!!) waterwheels I need. Carpenters, make those wheels. Masons, make the floors we'll need to balance the waterwheels on and the walls to protect the area from attack. Mechanics, your specialized job is probably going to be the shortest: all I need you to do is make the nine mechanisms and set them up as gear assemblies next to the waterwheels. Woodcutters, you'll be feeding logs to the carpenters by making the elves cry. Everyone else, you're on hauler duty: you'll be taking the logs the woodcutters cut down to the wood stockpile I'll be creating by the waterwheel work area.
DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. I am counting on all of you to make this go smoothly. I didn't turn invaders off this time, so we are on the clock. It's already the second spring, and I know goblins exist in this world, so make this snappy!
To: Miners
From: Overseer of Riverwheels
Subject: Re: YOUR work ethic
HURRY THE [expletive deleted] UP! I can't set the junior miners to digging out the soil-based machinery hall until you legendaries are done digging out the wonderfully stone-surrounded coffin hall, and I can't start on building the waterwheels until the machinery hall is dug out, and if that doesn't get done soon it'll be vulnerable to attackers while it's still being built, so YOU ARE HOLDING UP THE WHOLE REASON THIS FORTRESS WAS STARTED HURRY THE HELL UP.
Post by: Reudh on November 26, 2011, 01:23:16 pm
Why didn't you build the drawbridge when I told you a year ago?
By your indirect hand you caused the death of eighty dwarves including yourself. Most were children. They lost parents, brothers, sisters... by your indirect hand. Rot in hell and may the clowns torment you ever after. May armok never allow you to sup at his table.
You may be dead but your punishment will be eternal.
To Zaneg Meetingcrypts the Blockaded Recluse of Justice, (deceased)
I am pleased with you, Zaneg. You went down defending your fellow dwarves. Sadly, with your death the military was broken of much of its strength, and your squadron followed you soon afterward. You will be pleased to know three recruits defended your broken body and died with you, defending you from further mutilation. You should've seen it. It was glorious. One tranced after the other and they fought like possessed dervishes, cleaving goblins, trolls and crocodiles limb from limb. It wasn't enough to break the siege, and with their death the goblins streamed in.
To Zon McOrphan, (deceased)
You've had a hard lot in your short life. You're the second of eight kids, did you know? Your older brother was punched to death by a troglodyte. Your mother was an emotional wreck until you were born. You got a cut on your ear from an escaped prisoner, but you were alright.
You lost a younger brother to a berserk dwarf who didn't get his elf-hair cloth or whatever in time. You took this well. Not a whimper.
Then your father lost his mind.
Again, you were fine.
Then finally, your remaining five siblings were killed, along with your mother Mistem, a brilliant doctor. This was the snapping point. I will always cherish the memory of a young dwarf chewing goblins to death. You were brilliant. You took not a scratch on you until you fell unconscious from exhaustion and only then did the cowardly goblins kill you.
To Urist McMiner-turned-last-ditch-militia (deceased),
Your last friend, Litast Shemkol was killed. You didn't tantrum. At this stage there was merely you and the new mayor, and a criminal. You were the only one able to break the siege, and you did. Sadly you weren't able to stay alive long enough to welcome a new day... you were killed by a fleeing goblin. You will get a table with Armok at the end of the universe.
To Zalisiden, Wardpaddle, the only Good-biome Fortress the dwarves ever made,
You were great.
Post by: Hitty40 on November 26, 2011, 01:28:12 pm
No.
- The Overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 26, 2011, 01:32:03 pm
Oops, too late.
-Urist McAxeLord.
Post by: Hitty40 on November 26, 2011, 01:32:58 pm
Dear Overseer,
Oops, too late.
-Urist McAxeLord.
Dear Urist McAxeLord,
Please report to the magma bathroom.
- The Overseer.
Post by: calico103 on November 26, 2011, 03:08:29 pm
Stop jumping in the murky pools. I know they're currently dry, but it's a pain digging tunnels to every murky pool you happen to find!
Get another hobby,
Calico
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 26, 2011, 03:18:23 pm
Quote
if there's lots of g's and z's, it's gobbo. If you don't really recognize it, it's human. if it's called Urist, it's dwarf.
You'll find my surprise in seeing an old post of mine ending up as a sig :D
Personally, I was hoping for it to be made into a sock though.
Post by: Hitty40 on November 26, 2011, 04:40:06 pm
I HAVE YOUR DOOR!
- Urist McDoorThief
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 26, 2011, 04:53:02 pm
Give me back my door,
~Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: lazygun on November 26, 2011, 08:29:16 pm
When I station you outside the gates during caravan month, your job is to intercept any ambushes and prevent them destroying the human traders. When an ambush does show up, do not decide to chase after a capybara! Do not continue to pursue that capybara single-mindedly even after detecting a second ambush.
Yes, it IS cool watching you dodge, roll, pick yourself up and continue onward through two goblin squads without a scratch. But you are not accomplishing the task you were stationed outside to do.
Your despairing overlord.
Post by: ledgekindred on November 26, 2011, 11:22:18 pm
I knew the Adamantine existed at least 3 levels down and asked you to tunnel close to the vein. It's entirely my fault that your dig assignment went into the entirely unexpected hollow area in the adamantine, which reached considerably higher than I realized.
To: The various military of Mountainhome Fairdaggers (deceased)
You did the best you could. I'd say don't take it personally, but you are all dead now, so it's rather moot.
To: Everyone else of Mountainhome Fairdaggers (also deceased)
My bad.
To: Ledgekindred, Overseer of Mountainhome Fairdaggers,
Way to go. You killed the Mountainhome. Pay more attention next time.
Jerk.
Post by: Mrhappyface on November 27, 2011, 05:13:43 pm
Hold your breath longer
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 27, 2011, 07:45:10 pm
Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege. We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all. And as for the Forgotten Beast? Fine showing! I didn't think you'd take him down. I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects. I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though. Thankfully.
Your Overpony
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 27, 2011, 07:46:26 pm
Dear ponies of Gemgrooves,
Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege. We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all. And as for the Forgotten Beast? Fine showing! I didn't think you'd take him down. I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects. I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though. Thankfully.
Your Overpony
pony = dwarf...? ???
Post by: BackgroundGuy on November 27, 2011, 09:50:59 pm
Dear ponies of Gemgrooves,He's playing with the MLP mod.
Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege. We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all. And as for the Forgotten Beast? Fine showing! I didn't think you'd take him down. I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects. I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though. Thankfully.
Your Overpony
pony = dwarf...? ???
Post by: calico103 on November 27, 2011, 11:37:32 pm
Please do not trap yourself undergr--
...
Dear rescue team...
Post by: PCpaste on November 28, 2011, 07:40:19 am
Please, could you PLEASE refrain from eating your crop as soon as it comes off the field? It makes it rather hard to keep the entire fortress from dying of thirst.
...
I hate you.
Post by: Eric Blank on November 28, 2011, 10:39:54 am
I can't produce enough food for the whole fortress on my own. Make the rest of these baffoons farmers and expand the fields and we might just have enough to survive on.
Sincerely, Urist McSubsistencefarmer.
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 28, 2011, 02:29:36 pm
Dear ponies of Gemgrooves,
Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege. We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all. And as for the Forgotten Beast? Fine showing! I didn't think you'd take him down. I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects. I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though. Thankfully.
Your Overpony
pony = dwarf...? ???
MLP mod, and yes, SHE is :)
Post by: QuakeIV on November 28, 2011, 02:45:21 pm
If you had actually fought the goblins, you wouldn't all be dead right now.
edit; DEAR SWEET ARMOK A MY LITTLE PONY MOD!?! RE-ALIGN THE MAGMA CANNON WE ARE TAKING THEM OUT!
Post by: Hitty40 on November 28, 2011, 02:49:36 pm
Please. Drop the blunt, get back to work, and clear the smoke from your room.
- The Clean Overseer.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on November 28, 2011, 02:54:22 pm
When I forbid everything, cancelled every job, and ordered the destruction of the bridge that would allow the Beastmen ravaging our village to make another pass I assumed you understood it was kind of a big deal. You however decided you were feeling a bit thirsty and instead of taking a few seconds to destroy the bridge then enjoying fine ale and wine from our overflowing stockpiles you decided to drink out of a mudpuddle then maybe get to the bridge later. This resulted in the Beastmen as I anticipated crossing the bridge and placing our fort under siege once again and furthermore resulted in you being horribly ripped apart. In the future when I tell you to do something I mean now.
-Apparently the only person who recognizes the benefits of an enemy free fortress
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 28, 2011, 04:01:09 pm
Dear dwarves,
If you had actually fought the goblins, you wouldn't all be dead right now.
edit; DEAR SWEET ARMOK A MY LITTLE PONY MOD!?! RE-ALIGN THE MAGMA CANNON WE ARE TAKING THEM OUT!
Dude, they have a cannon. In space. You'd be better off just sealing yourself off from the rest of the universe :P
>Then stage a gears of war like uprising<
Post by: Doughnut189 on November 28, 2011, 04:05:58 pm
Where are you?
What happened to you?
You are dead, yet your corpse is nowhere to be found.
The only dangers the fortress has thus far faced were some goblin thieves.
I've even searched the caverns, but your corpse was nowhere to be found.
I was even going to give you one of the nice bedrooms!
Sincerely,
je ne sais quoi
Post by: Lordraymond on November 28, 2011, 04:31:14 pm
The rest of the expedition party is bored, and you're the only one with any experience. I know you're tired, but I don't see how taking a break for an entire season is going to help this fort prosper.
Sincerely,
Your overlord
Post by: calico103 on November 28, 2011, 07:27:25 pm
I don't see how TWO TILES of mining can't be done before you take a break. Yeah, i know you've worked hard. No, two squares of mining is not going to kill you. Get back to it.
Post by: WolfeyS on November 28, 2011, 09:46:31 pm
Dear Urist McOnBreak,
I don't see how TWO TILES of mining can't be done before you take a break. Yeah, i know you've worked hard. No, two squares of mining is not going to kill you. Get back to it.
This happens to me way too much.
Post by: PCpaste on November 29, 2011, 02:13:35 am
I took the good advice and gave Urist the farmer some help, and gave him more fields. Yet still, you decide to eat the crops as soon as you get to the stockpile, rather then eating the freshly butchered horses or other grazers I can't support.
Please, before everyone, including yourself dies... EAT SOMETHING ELSE.
Sincerely, Overseer McHatefuljerk.
Post by: jcnorris00 on November 29, 2011, 10:58:49 am
But these mushrooms and berries are just sooooo delicious, we just can't help ourselves. Maybe if we also grew something brewable but inedible, like sweet pods, or pig tails, or dwarven wheat, or longland grass, or rope reed, or whip vine, or.... Excuse me, I hear a plump helmet calling out to me. Mmmm, plump helmet....
Sincerely, Urist McSubsistencefarmer.
Post by: PCpaste on November 29, 2011, 11:33:41 am
I finally thought I had our thirst problem fixed when the grass was harvested, and victory seemed so close... When you decided to fall face first into the snow on your way to the still for who knows how long.
While you were resting, everyone else either died of thirst or went insane. You are the only (Sane and uninjured) survivor.
...
I hope you enjoyed your nap.
If there were any other dwarves, i'd have them kill you.
~Overseer McHatefulljerk.
Post by: roughedge on December 01, 2011, 12:04:52 am
I know your sad because there as been constant civil war since a few years, that your parents are dead and that goblins are ripping your uncle outside for sustencance but.... I mean you dont need to start being berserk at age 4. Any way, if you survive and get to adult age, be sure to be put in the sacrificial berserk squad I routinely send out on the surface with all the dirty elves. Btw your mother was a stupid dwarven gunt, we didnt even knew she was pregnant until you were birthed!
Post by: ledgekindred on December 01, 2011, 10:48:07 am
You were hauling that War Cave Crocodile to his new pasture outside where he could sniff out thieves and snatchers when you dropped a new baby out of your uterus. Why didn't you immediately release the croc and grab your kid. Or not release it and grab your new kid. I wanted to see what would happen when a giant, underground reptile full of sharp, pointy teeth met your new baby. Granted he was trained, but an Overseer can dream, can't he?
Dear Urist McNewbabby
Ok you're kind of cute crawling around the place, getting in the way. Still, I wish you had crawled closer to the caverns. I wanted to see if you could punch out one of the blind cave ogres that have been creeping into the lower entrances.
Sincerely,
Your Perversely Amoral and Extremely Cruel But That's Par For The Course With Fortress Overlords, Fortress Overlord
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 01, 2011, 02:01:35 pm
Dear Urist McNewmom
You were hauling that War Cave Crocodile to his new pasture outside where he could sniff out thieves and snatchers when you dropped a new baby out of your uterus. Why didn't you immediately release the croc and grab your kid. Or not release it and grab your new kid. I wanted to see what would happen when a giant, underground reptile full of sharp, pointy teeth met your new baby. Granted he was trained, but an Overseer can dream, can't he?
Dear Urist McNewbabby
Ok you're kind of cute crawling around the place, getting in the way. Still, I wish you had crawled closer to the caverns. I wanted to see if you could punch out one of the blind cave ogres that have been creeping into the lower entrances.
Sincerely,
Your Perversely Amoral and Extremely Cruel But That's Par For The Course With Fortress Overlords, Fortress Overlord
Dear overseer,
Drop your babies on large serrated discs,
Job done.
Post by: Ledo on December 01, 2011, 03:00:10 pm
You a Legendaryminer +5 why did you charge at the first sight of an ambush?
Now you and 5 ambushers are dead. But i do like how you managed to take out all of the ambushers with your copper pick.
To bad you coudent of used your badassness on the FB that came troling about not 1 min after.
But not to worrie your wife felt like trying to defeat the FB in your hounor, too bad she was a pesant.....
Hopfully your child can become a great worrier and avenge your deaths.
Your truly
Very pissed off Overseer
Post by: Reudh on December 01, 2011, 04:18:20 pm
worrier
Worrier? Someone who worries? or someone who bites and shakes things around? Ooh, i should make a legendary worrier.
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 01, 2011, 04:39:51 pm
worrier
Worrier? Someone who worries? or someone who bites and shakes things around? Ooh, i should make a legendary worrier.
Perhaps he means warrior... Or wurrior. Or wariorz.
Post by: Hitty40 on December 01, 2011, 06:14:15 pm
WE STILL HAVE YOUR DOOR, BITCH. WE WANT 20,000,000 DORFBUCKS OR WE BURN IT.
- Urist McDoorTerrorists
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 01, 2011, 06:15:33 pm
Dear Loud Whispers,
WE STILL HAVE YOUR DOOR, BITCH. WE WANT 20,000,000 DORFBUCKS OR WE BURN IT.
- Urist McDoorTerrorists
It's made of Jade. It's the scary door. Burn it, you release the HFS. Bluff called >:D
Post by: Doughnut189 on December 01, 2011, 11:33:14 pm
Dear Loud Whispers,
WE STILL HAVE YOUR DOOR, BITCH. WE WANT 20,000,000 DORFBUCKS OR WE BURN IT.
- Urist McDoorTerrorists
It's made of Jade. It's the scary door. Burn it, you release the HFS. Bluff called >:D
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with either
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
Post by: Theifofdreams on December 02, 2011, 04:31:01 am
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
Post by: Keldor on December 02, 2011, 04:51:37 am
Urist McBrewer,
I finally thought I had our thirst problem fixed when the grass was harvested, and victory
seemed so close... When you decided to fall face first into the snow on your way to the
still for who knows how long.
While you were resting, everyone else either died of thirst or went insane. You are the only
(Sane and uninjured) survivor.
...
I hope you enjoyed your nap.
If there were any other dwarves, i'd have them kill you.
~Overseer McHatefulljerk.
Dear Overseer McHatefuljerk,
Ye're talkin' like I'm the only dwarf who knows how to brew an ale. And here after I went
to all the trouble of settin' up a distillery for ye! Do I have to write a list of
instructions fer operatin' the durned thing an' tack it to yer forehead?! All dwarves know
how to brew stuff. Get someone else to do it. I'm takin' a nap!
~Urist McBrewer
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 02, 2011, 02:03:31 pm
Dear Loud Whispers,
WE STILL HAVE YOUR DOOR, BITCH. WE WANT 20,000,000 DORFBUCKS OR WE BURN IT.
- Urist McDoorTerrorists
It's made of Jade. It's the scary door. Burn it, you release the HFS. Bluff called >:D
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with either
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
No, it was my way of saying BRING IT :D
Post by: Doughnut189 on December 02, 2011, 04:25:07 pm
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only Thursday
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 02, 2011, 05:20:03 pm
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only Thursday
Spoiler: Nope... (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hitty40 on December 02, 2011, 08:15:36 pm
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only ThursdaySpoiler: Nope... (click to show/hide)
I don't speek Greek, but I believe that image is broken or missing.
Post by: Tlc2011 on December 02, 2011, 09:37:11 pm
And i believe it has been burnt by the image-terrorists.You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only ThursdaySpoiler: Nope... (click to show/hide)
I don't speek Greek, but I believe that image is broken or missing.
WHAT IS THERE NOT A TERRORIST FOR?!
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 03, 2011, 09:23:00 am
And i believe it has been burnt by the image-terrorists.You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only ThursdaySpoiler: Nope... (click to show/hide)
I don't speek Greek, but I believe that image is broken or missing.
WHAT IS THERE NOT A TERRORIST FOR?!
Cheese?
Post by: MaxZero on December 09, 2011, 06:16:19 pm
DO NOT cram yourselves into that passage when its half done, theres a cliff on one side and... oh wonderful, Urist McA2 is dead, and he was at legendary skill level too. You impatient, pushy idiots
Post by: Pon_Katt on December 09, 2011, 09:02:33 pm
Please remove all the bolts outside. They are really messing with the defensive systems.
Signed,
The Fourth Wall
Post by: Tiruin on December 10, 2011, 06:40:21 am
We need mail carriers to deliver 173 pages of mail to our lovely dwarves.
Signed,
Overseer_Concerned
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on December 10, 2011, 03:09:35 pm
You now have 200 adamantine clad badgers in the heart of your fortress.
I wish I did, then I could melt them...
Post by: Tlc2011 on December 10, 2011, 03:33:06 pm
Please do not barricade yourself outside of the fortress.
Yes, that IS a giant firebreathing dragon coming at you.
Yes, you are so damn stupid that you're going to DIE because of it.
Warning, large image
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dumbass dwarves these days...
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 13, 2011, 05:15:38 pm
Post by: wierd on December 13, 2011, 05:33:00 pm
The administration of the hallowed halls of DeathBellows, the Scorching Tunnels would like to take this opportunity to remind you that while stone hauling is an important duty that all proud dwarves should be willinng to do, it is not appropriate to attempt to haul said stones from shafts designated as magma conduits or water aqueducts. This is not the first time that you, your 15 children, and half the cats in the fortress have ventured to the deepest recesses of such designated tunnels to fetch a block of orthoclase, necessitating the immediate shutdown of the entire stone industry, and block forbiddance of all stone materials for you to take the hint.
In the future, the administration of DeathBellows, the Scorching Tunnels will consider you, your 15 children, and 20 cats to be expendable, and will not hesitate to initiate operations of these completed subterene structures. For your safety, and the safety of others, please take this cordial and final warning to heart, and stick to hauling only stones that are not in such designated areas.
Yours in drunkeness,
The Baron Urist McRummyGuts
Post by: Kogut on December 14, 2011, 03:09:41 am
Post by: wierd on December 14, 2011, 01:16:20 pm
She has a penchant for going to the very very bottom of such shafts to pick her hauling target, taking all her children and pets with her. Even with nice, wide conduits, all those entities trying to roam brainlessly up and down the shaft causes traffic jams, and it can take more than 15 minutes for them all to clear out.
This is very irritating when you are ready to release the magma, and don't really care about the stone in the conduit, because you are expecting to make tons and tons of manufactured obsidian instead. Nope... there she is..... being "helpful" again....
To make matters worse, she is friends with everyone else in the fort, and just killing her would initiate a tantrum spiral. It's as if she knows it, and is flaunting it at me. She is also the chief medical dorf, and without the hauling labor, has nothing to do. Probably why she has 15 kids.
Post by: wierd on December 14, 2011, 01:18:53 pm
She has a penchant for going to the very very bottom of such shafts to pick her hauling target, taking all her children and pets with her. Even with nice, wide conduits, all those entities trying to roam brainlessly up and down the shaft causes traffic jams, and it can take more than 15 minutes for them all to clear out.
This is very irritating when you are ready to release the magma, and don't really care about the stone in the conduit, because you are expecting to make tons and tons of manufactured obsidian instead. Nope... there she is..... being "helpful" again....
To make matters worse, she is friends with everyone else in the fort, and just killing her would initiate a tantrum spiral. It's as if she knows it, and is flaunting it at me. She is also the chief medical dorf, and without the hauling labor, has nothing to do. Probably why she has 15 kids.
Post by: Dalkar on December 14, 2011, 02:36:56 pm
Post by: Deus Machina on December 14, 2011, 11:17:10 pm
Post by: krenshala on December 15, 2011, 12:01:25 am
Forbid stone hauling for her and make her do some random common job like cooking, farming or plant gathering to keep her occupied.I make my Chief Medical Dwarf into either the Chef Medical Dwarf or Barman Medical Dwarf. :)
Post by: Necro910 on December 15, 2011, 12:24:56 am
Forbid stone hauling for her and make her do some random common job like cooking, farming or plant gathering to keep her occupied.I make my Chief Medical Dwarf into either the Chef Medical Dwarf or Barman Medical Dwarf. :)
Chef Medical DwarfCupcakes, delicious tasty cupcakes, cupcakes cupcakes cupcakes!
Post by: sackhead on December 15, 2011, 05:08:04 am
watchout for carp
Post by: Dalkar on December 15, 2011, 01:00:00 pm
When building enclosed spaces in the caverns, don't lock yourself out and throw yourself to the mercy of a GCS and a group of irritable cave fish men, die and cause a rather nasty tantrum spiral.
Post by: PijanySmok on December 15, 2011, 02:05:11 pm
Please stop standing on the ice when it's melting, you already ruined me a few very great places to build a fortress, also, don't swim in river full of carps. Thank you.
Dear Black Bear
Please stop killing my dwarfs because they spawned right on you, this place is too great to leave it yet.
Dear Broker
I have very diffrent style of playing so please don't let any first caravan leave without trading, unless you want whole fortress to starve.
Post by: Theifofdreams on December 15, 2011, 10:53:45 pm
Yes, I know you're thirsty. I know everyone is. Due to a slight miscommunication, we're currently out of barrels for booze, and for some odd reason, not one of you wants to drink from the nearby pond, even though it's marked for drinking water.
Because none of you do, I need you to hurry up with those pots so the brewers have something to brew in. Otherwise dwarfs will start to die of thirst. And if I lose even one dwarf to thirst, I'll make sure you get the same experience.
Your frustrated Overseer.
Dear Urist McHauler.
Yes, I know we have extra items that could be fit into barrels or pots. I know you really want to, but we need those. Please don't stuff them full before the brewers have time to claim their pots or barrels.
If not, you will die. Agonizingly slowly.
Your unamused, thirsty, Overseer.
Post by: Tiruin on December 16, 2011, 04:51:48 am
Do not tell me for the umpth time around that you cannot cross the 'tunnel of safety' just because it is filled with puddles!
Your exasperated overseer,
Four-seven water
Post by: Urist McEngraver on December 16, 2011, 12:23:28 pm
Please get off your lazy butt and make the coke and metal.
Morons.
Your exasperated overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 16, 2011, 01:47:50 pm
Why won't you die.
I want berserk Dorf corps now.
Die please.
That is all.
Thanks.
~Overlord.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 16, 2011, 01:49:27 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 16, 2011, 01:51:24 pm
Popular dwarf in the fort dying? That sounds like Fun.
It's ok he was only the mayor.
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 16, 2011, 02:08:51 pm
Oh, okay then. It'd be a shame if he suffered an unfortunate accident because he wanted slade crafts.Popular dwarf in the fort dying? That sounds like Fun.
It's ok he was only the mayor.
==
Dear Urist McChiefMedicalDwarf,
I have locked you in the patient's room for a reason. Diagnose the wounded soldiers or else I'll pull the lever.
Yours,
The Overseer
EDIT: Dear Urist McChiefMedicalDwarf,
I am sorry for threatening you. I was not informed that you were not told to diagnose patients, I will make sure the slackers responsible get a beating.
Yours,
The Overseer
(translation: I forgot to enable the "Diagnosis" labor on the CMD)
Post by: Hitty40 on December 16, 2011, 02:46:15 pm
Please stop punching people in the crotch and making them fly off.
- The overseer
Post by: Lordraymond on December 16, 2011, 03:57:54 pm
Why yes, sitting on your ass all season until the caravan arrives is quite hard work, and it's completely understandable for you to go on a half-year break as soon as the first one rolls in. If you wouldn't mind stepping over to pull this lever real quick...
Sincerely,
Your collective hive mind
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 16, 2011, 07:32:59 pm
FUCK OFF
Yours,
Oilbeaches
Post by: Tcei on December 16, 2011, 08:06:06 pm
You have no right to be upset over the loss of your baby. You are a farmer; you had no reason to go down into the flooding tunnel.
Enjoy being haunted by your babies ghost.
Post by: Theifofdreams on December 17, 2011, 01:21:26 am
I have no idea what inspired you to fetch a barrel, carry it to the barracks, then realize the barrel isn't suppose to go there and take it back. It was odd the first time. The fifth time made me suddenly very, very happy that you'd been sent into the military, where your death will most likely be agonizingly terrible.
Your eventual sacrifice will, hopefully, be put to good use.
Your confused and bemused Overseer
Post by: Keldor on December 17, 2011, 07:18:47 am
Dear Urist McRecruit
I have no idea what inspired you to fetch a barrel, carry it to the barracks, then realize the barrel isn't suppose to go there and take it back. It was odd the first time. The fifth time made me suddenly very, very happy that you'd been sent into the military, where your death will most likely be agonizingly terrible.
Your eventual sacrifice will, hopefully, be put to good use.
Your confused and bemused Overseer
Dear confused and bemused,
Ye gave us orders te carry food an' drink with us at all times but ye didnae give us wineskins te hold it with, so I had te improvise a wee bit. Hope ye like it!
Your Obdient,
-Urist McRecruit
Post by: Reudh on December 17, 2011, 07:22:31 am
Post by: jamesadelong on December 17, 2011, 08:47:46 am
Post by: PijanySmok on December 17, 2011, 11:37:06 am
You are going to be slaughtered in butchery now, for ignoring that caravan. Thank you.
Post by: Theifofdreams on December 17, 2011, 12:25:53 pm
Dear confused and bemused,
Ye gave us orders te carry food an' drink with us at all times but ye didnae give us wineskins te hold it with, so I had te improvise a wee bit. Hope ye like it!
Your Obdient,
-Urist McRecruit
Dear Urist McRecruit
There's a stack of 10 wineskins in the stockpile. Specifically. We traded a single =Gabbro Crown= for them. I remember it clearly. Noone else has taken any.
Why the barrel?
Still confused
Your overseer
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 17, 2011, 01:17:57 pm
Dear Urist McRecruit
There's a stack of 10 wineskins in the stockpile. Specifically. We traded a single =Gabbro Crown= for them. I remember it clearly. Noone else has taken any.
Why the barrel?
Still confused
Your overseer
Union strike!
Post by: jamesadelong on December 17, 2011, 02:12:01 pm
Dear Urist McRecruit
There's a stack of 10 wineskins in the stockpile. Specifically. We traded a single =Gabbro Crown= for them. I remember it clearly. Noone else has taken any.
Why the barrel?
Still confused
Your overseer
Union strike!
Hammerer! Strike the Unions!
Post by: PijanySmok on December 17, 2011, 10:23:12 pm
Thank you for killing me 6 dwarves in a row.
Edit: +2 drowned
Dear Urtist FuckingSuicide
Thank you for ruining positions and killing whole fortress. Next time don't run like an idiot into whole swarm of goblins, just stand still. You fucking owe me 20h of gameplay.
Dear Urtist McBuilder
Fortress could survive if you built the bridge faster.
Post by: Theifofdreams on December 18, 2011, 12:42:10 am
Dear IceDear Overseer.
Thank you for killing me 6 dwarves in a row.
Edit: +2 drowned
Dear Urtist FuckingSuicide
Thank you for ruining positions and killing whole fortress. Next time don't run like an idiot into whole swarm of goblins, just stand still. You fucking owe me 20h of gameplay.
Dear Urtist McBuilder
Fortress could survive if you built the bridge faster.
We thought ye could use ali'l more !Fun!, but it seems ye were nae ready for it.
Apologies.
Yers, Ice, Urist McBuilder an' Urist Fuckingsuicide
Post by: Callista on December 18, 2011, 02:30:06 am
I won't say you haven't been doing your job... but the food stores are empty, the carpenter just starved to death, and there is a wild moose in the meeting hall.
Yours,
An Exasperated Overseer
Post by: Nyxalinth on December 19, 2011, 01:02:01 am
Oops. I knew there'd be skeletal marmots, but I didn't even imagine skeletal yaks. Sorry about that :(. If it helps, you fought bravely.
Your former overseer
Post by: Mercur1c on December 19, 2011, 03:06:46 am
It is more important for you to dig a tunnel into the reservoir, in which our legendary miner is starving and dehydrated and hunting vermin for food, than hauling stones to the stockpile, which many other dwarves are doing.
-The Overlord
P.S. I know where you sleep. On the floor, quit complaining
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 20, 2011, 10:52:47 am
You finally started trading.
That is good.
But why, OH WHY did you give away all of our gems for an anvil? I SAID DECLINE OFFER DAMMIT DECLINE.
Post by: ledgekindred on December 20, 2011, 10:59:04 am
Dear UristMcTrader,
You finally started trading.
That is good.
But why, OH WHY did you give away all of our gems for an anvil? I SAID DECLINE OFFER DAMMIT DECLINE.
Who's the trader 'ere, you or me? It's me, by Armok. We kin always dig out more gems, but we canna' dig out anvils! If'n yer dinn't want the gems ta be traded, why'd yer tell us ta haul 'em to the trading post? And anyway, I like anvils.
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 20, 2011, 11:04:04 am
We just bought those gems.
And I hope you like anvils, because I shall be sending you to that glowing pit over there until you can find those gems, or build them out of sand and an anvil.
Post by: MadocComadrin on December 20, 2011, 12:40:04 pm
Now please, let it stop here so we have a monument to memage that doesn't get wiped out of existence ::)You have to understand. eventually Armok will get bored of the meme either way and render it into non-existence, so we must celebrate it as much as we can in the present!!!
Post by: Theifofdreams on December 21, 2011, 02:03:42 am
also:
Dear Urist McHammerer
Yes, Urist McSelfishBaron did tell you to punish a metal crafter.
No, it didn't need to be the legendarily skilled one who everyone else in the fortress loved.
If everyone doesn't tantrum spiral and kill you, both you and your boss will be sealed away for several years, and then covered in magma to repay you.
Your extremely upset overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 21, 2011, 02:35:42 am
You have been adequately trained.
I have given you all steel weapons.
I have given you all pet war dogs.
And told you to butcher them all.
Y U NO BERSERK YET.
Post by: malroth on December 21, 2011, 05:07:23 am
I've admired a Table and enjoyed a sparring session recently
Signed Ursit mc population
Post by: MasterMorality on December 21, 2011, 07:22:56 am
Did you have to choose one of my titled warriors to posses? Tut has been here since Wave 2, he's the High Gore and he's earned himself a name now - 'The Feral Direction of Devils'. I was quite fond of him. He looked set to go on and defend the Fortress very well, but no. You just roll right in and demand 'rocks, metal bars, and cloth.
Take a look around, moron, we have those! We've got like 60 reams of cloth, dozens of different metal bars and more rocks and stone tan you can shake a sodding stick at, what's your issue!?
Damn it. Can we get an exorcist in here? Seriously - the rest of my military aren't even half as good as Tut. Vaohmin's getting there, but she's got a long way to go.
Post by: Person on December 21, 2011, 09:26:04 am
Dear wandering possessing spirit,There are multiple kinds of cloth: silk, yarn, and wool. Chances are he wants yarn or wool. Check his thoughts to see what he likes. Also, check what they have claimed already, and burrow access as well.
Did you have to choose one of my titled warriors to posses? Tut has been here since Wave 2, he's the High Gore and he's earned himself a name now - 'The Feral Direction of Devils'. I was quite fond of him. He looked set to go on and defend the Fortress very well, but no. You just roll right in and demand 'rocks, metal bars, and cloth.
Take a look around, moron, we have those! We've got like 60 reams of cloth, dozens of different metal bars and more rocks and stone tan you can shake a sodding stick at, what's your issue!?
Post by: Tiruin on December 21, 2011, 09:34:09 am
SPECIFY THINE GOODS!
Yours Truly,
Overseer without silk.
~~~
Dear Spiders,
We need you.
P.S. Not you GCS. Nor you cats.
Signed,
Manager
Post by: Hitty40 on December 21, 2011, 09:50:02 am
Dear Cloth-dependant-artifact-makers,
SPECIFY THINE GOODS!
Yours Truly,
Overseer without silk.
~~~
Dear Spiders,
We need you.
P.S. Not you GCS. Nor you cats.
Signed,
Manager
Cat Silk works as well as GCS silk, but you'll have to mod them to make silk.
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 21, 2011, 11:18:35 am
...No.
Post by: Jenniretta on December 21, 2011, 11:21:11 am
when you encounter a Zombie Badger Woman, please, run towards the fortress gates, not away.
Thanks.
-Jenni
Post by: grimman007 on December 23, 2011, 10:42:57 am
The next time I find you dicking around outside instead of doing your actual job, I'm going to feed you to the GCS we have holed up in the second cavern.
Get your goddamned job done.
Sincerely,
Collective Prime
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 23, 2011, 12:55:24 pm
Ye 'aint suppos't to ave mor e than a one beekeeper!
#Beekeepers 2, 3, 4 and 5
Post by: Keldor on December 25, 2011, 07:26:56 pm
Dear Grimmam.
Ye 'aint suppos't to ave mor e than a one beekeeper!
#Beekeepers 2, 3, 4 and 5
What makes you think there's more than one beekeeper? Oh, incidentally Urist, you're now beekeeper 6.
-Running out of Beekeepers, Again
Post by: Magmodeus on December 25, 2011, 09:40:15 pm
Stop running back and forth through the lava wall that is pretty much the entire fort defense to retrieve a stupid piece of clothing or whatever. I am unsure how you constantly survived being on fire, possibly due to that
Sincerely, Overseer from another Dimension
Post by: SirFellfire on December 26, 2011, 08:35:34 am
Who's the trader 'ere, you or me? It's me, by Armok. We kin always dig out more gems, but we canna' dig out anvils! If'n yer dinn't want the gems ta be traded, why'd yer tell us ta haul 'em to the trading post? And anyway, I like anvils.
actually, digging for anvils would be pretty damn cool :D hematite anvil anyone?
Post by: Hammerstar on December 26, 2011, 03:19:42 pm
I know you don't like drinking water. I don't blame you. But our miners just spent two seasons digging out an artificial lake and routing a river into it. That way, we'd have water when we need it, for medical reasons and if there is a disastrous booze shortage. The grate to keep out nasty stuff was put in place on time, the well was constructed six levels above the artificial lake on time, and our mechanics got the floodgate hooked up and working before we actually spilled the river into it.
Yes, it took two weeks to fill, but when it was time to shut the floodgate, why in the hell were all of you either asleep or on break? The hospital is flooded now, and it's gradually filling into the dining room, and no one has a big enough beard to wade in and shut it down? It's one damn lever pull, and the mechanisms used in the construction are more valuable than a few of your worthless lives.
Oh, and Urist McMason just sealed the entry with a nice new stone wall, locking himself and the rest of you in.
Cheers. I think I'm going to enjoy my new aquarium.
Post by: MonkeyHead on December 26, 2011, 04:38:56 pm
I agree it is an inconvenice that your owner was stabbed in the foot by a Kobold thief. However, he is enjoying convalescence in our medical wing while we await the arrival of thread and cloth to treat the wound. Filling the hospital with half dead rats and suchlike is really not helping maintain an infection free environment. I am not opening the drawbridge while 20 or so armed goblins are out there and as the fort has only been around a year we as of yet have no forces ready to fight them off. However, the garbage smasher has just become operational, be careful you ontfall in there.
Yours,
The overseer of Visionrims.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on December 26, 2011, 07:57:52 pm
You are a siege operator, you are not a hauler, a carpenter, a blacksmith, or a farmer, you are a siege operator. Your only job and only duty is to operate the balista on the rare occasion it's needed it is for that reason that you should absolutely for no reason ever have to take a break and you definitely should never ever have cause to take a break in the middle of a goddamn siege. Furthermore while first contact with the enemy is always frightening you were safely behind fortifications and straddling one of the most terrifying death machines ever devised by dwarf kind running like a frightened little girl to hide in your room was not an appropriate response. You may notice your door seems to be stuck, don't be alarmed, for your safety we have locked you in your room to keep goblins or butterflies from startling you. For your further safety you may notice a hole being carved in your roof, this hole will be used to fill your room with say twenty cave crocodiles to protect you until the siege ends. Enjoy your newfound safety.
Sincerely, that voice that tells you to stop doing stupid things.
Post by: Wannazzaki on December 26, 2011, 09:17:08 pm
Sincerely, The Overseer
Post by: Callista on December 27, 2011, 12:40:57 am
Please stop eating your meals in the Duke's personal dining room. I will not be held responsible for any repercussions.
Dear Cat Mc... uh, Cat,
I saw you adopting that newborn baby. I don't know what you're up to, but I am watching you.
-The Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on December 27, 2011, 01:18:04 pm
Sorry I accidentally atomsmashed your corpses, but it's your fault nobody can remember who the hell you are and thus cannot make a memorial. Stop alarming the populace.
Dear Urist McSoldiers,
Stop becoming Urist McGhosts. We won't memorialize you. Also, there are only 8 of you left, and there is no chance of surviving the next siege if the traps fail and even one of you isn't at their station.
Dear Hostile Besieging Forces,
Truce?
Sincerely, Overseer of Dragonward.
Post by: keyreper on December 27, 2011, 03:12:23 pm
it has come to my attention that Urist, the miner, has died because of Enod's, the mayor, tantrum spiral, please make sure you dont vote for a insane dwarf covered in rot next year.
from your mayor,
Enod
(there is rot at the bottom of the paper)
Post by: Orky_Boss on December 27, 2011, 03:41:56 pm
While I am glad you enjoy your job, please do not go into a tantrum spiral because I relived you from duty. You're lucky all you caused was cutting open the expedition leader's foot and smashing the toe of one of the miners.
Sinceraly,
Orky_Boss, your otherworldly leader
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 27, 2011, 03:43:18 pm
I wanted to be relieved dammit! Not have to relive the whole damn thing all over again!
And screw his foot.
~Angry Militia Commander
Post by: Jacob/Lee on December 27, 2011, 03:46:23 pm
Being the only person out of the entire migrant wave I didn't draft to try (and fail) to kill the snakemen ambushers, you should probably run to the gate so I can let you i- oh, well, nevermind...
We'll glue you back together when those snakemen leave...
~Overseer
Post by: Orky_Boss on December 27, 2011, 04:01:01 pm
Dear Orky_Boss,
I wanted to be relieved dammit! Not have to relive the whole damn thing all over again!
And screw his foot.
~Angry Militia Commander
Dear Militia Commander,
Watch your tongue, dwarf. Do you like being stuck in your bedroom without food or water? If not, I suggest you shut up.
Sinceraly,
Orky_Boss, your otherworldly leader, who is starting to thing about how long it would take to find magma and pump it into the fort.
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 27, 2011, 04:52:51 pm
Orky_Boss, your otherworldly leader, who is starting to thing about how long it would take to find magma and pump it into the fort.
HUURRR DUUR FOUND IT
*Pulls lever*
~Urist Mc!!FUN!!
Post by: Magmodeus on December 28, 2011, 12:50:25 am
Use the garbage disposal pit next time instead dumping all the crap inside the meeting hall. Thanks to your stupidity I have to make more coffins and tombs.
Sincerely, Me
Post by: Hitty40 on December 29, 2011, 12:13:03 am
Please do not kill other Dwarves.
Signed, Urist McAdministrator.
Post by: Alternatecash on December 29, 2011, 03:06:39 am
I understand that the diamond-encrusted gold well with the artifact ruby bucket is party central, but you're starving to death. And out of booze. And the halls are full of the rotting corpses of your slain brethren. So, not to be a nag, but could you maybe do some work?
Post by: jamesadelong on December 29, 2011, 03:57:43 am
Dear Dorfs,
I understand that the diamond-encrusted gold well is party central, but you're starving to death. And out of booze. And the halls are full of the rotting corpses of your slain brethren. So, not to be a nag, but could you maybe do some work?
Dear Overseer
Why did you build the Diamond-encrusted gold well with the artifact ruby bucket is you didn't want us to admire it? We might as well die happy than to die with the reminder of the suffering going on around us.
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on December 29, 2011, 04:38:49 pm
To: Urist McNohands
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Recent material requests
While we can appreciate that you valiantly fought off a dozen clowns single-handedly while your demoted-to-Hauler fellow Militiadorfs milled around a few z-levels above the circus, losing your remaining hand and one leg in the process and finally necessitating the creation of a hospital in Smoothbanners Barony after 42 years injury-free, you have been shouting at the top of your lungs about your lack of graspers for several weeks now and we in Administration are sick of your voice cluttering up our notification trumpets. As such, we have decided - under Armok's holy direction - to redistribute you in a more resourceful direction. Report to the butchery immediately and close your eyes. Urist McButcher will take it from there. Then Haul Squad 14 will take you outside for a bit. You will likely be reassigned as a companion to the next caravan to visit Smoothbanners Barony.
To: Urist McAdmin
From: Armok
RE: Child
Your dedication to duty is most inspiring, Commander. However, it is disturbing to My bloodied Eyes to see your firstborn languishing in the cavernous lakes. I have, in My wisdom, removed the need for breath, sustenance, and even liquor from your tiny bodies. However, that does not mean that you should leave your firstborn daughter at the bottom of a waterlogged mineshaft for eight months until she grows large enough to crawl out on her own.
To: Urist McDumbass
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Intelligence, or lack thereof
We assigned you to mining duty because it is almost literally impossible to make a botch job of it. Of course you, having caused the only structural collapse in the history of the Barony, would find a way to misinterpret our instructions in such a way that you unearthed a previously-undiscovered cavern. We congratulate you on this discovery, and regret to hear that you broke both legs and an arm in the process of this discovery. Since your haphazard channeling technique has quite ruined the layout of the former goblin-pit, we are incapable of sending a retrieval specialist at this time. We hope you will bear with us until such time as we locate your current elevation and dig a tunnel to you. Or not. To be honest, this is really all your fault and we have another dozen Legendary miners who can smooth stone faster than you as well. We might just leave you there for a few decades as a sort of lesson. Armok-be-praised that since we don't have to eat or drink, you'll probably survive.
To: What remains of Mason Squad 4
From: Urist McArchitect
RE: Planning failure
When I asked you to wall around the ticket booth after making the floors, I meant for you to do it before the clowns tried to escape. The two of you will get this note should you ever wake up, and the attached notice that you are moved to Hauling, effective upon consciousness.
To: Clowns
From: Armok
RE: Circusgoers
Congrats, guys. You cacked it up again. How am I supposed to get any entertainment out of My creations if you storm their fortress so slowly that they have time to build walls, build a bridge, build a lever, link the lever to the bridge by way of a Novice mechanic, then pull the lever and block off your circus before you get in more than half a dozen kills? Seriously, have some initiative.
((Note: Modded the annoying can't-pick-up-objects-I-have-no-arms message spammer so he would be butchered. I love Runesmith.))
Post by: Callista on December 29, 2011, 04:45:42 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 29, 2011, 04:51:11 pm
((Can you point me to an explanation of how to mod generally-nonbutcherable things to be butcherable? Thanks...))
under entity_default, under [ENTITY_MOUNTAIN] change
Code: [Select]
[ETHIC:EAT_SAPIENT_OTHER:UNTHINKABLE]
[ETHIC:EAT_SAPEINT_KILL:UNTHINKABLE to Code: [Select]
[EAT_SAPIENT_OTHER:ACCEPTABLE]
[EAT_SAPIENT_KILL:ACCEPTABLE]
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on December 29, 2011, 05:28:44 pm
((Can you point me to an explanation of how to mod generally-nonbutcherable things to be butcherable? Thanks...))I use Runesmith, so I just paused the game, connected Runesmith to my current session, scrolled to the nut who was spamming my message box with 'can't pick my stuff up,' went to Flags, clicked the box next to 'slaughter,' clicked the Write Changes button, and laughed as my Broker dragged him off to the butchery.
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on December 29, 2011, 06:16:40 pm
To: Urist McPetless
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Calls of distress
We are well aware that there is no food in Smoothbanners Barony, nor any method of growing or producing any due to the recent human caravan leaving with the last unicorn biscuits. However, endlessly repeating that you cannot feed your pet Cavy due to lack of food, when said Cavy has been dead and butchered for six months, especially when the boots you are wearing are decorated with his bones, is unacceptable. Report to the butchery for reassignment parallel to Urist McNohands.
To: Ghosty McMiner
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Terror
We are building a walkway to your skeletal corpse as fast as we can and we have a tomb reserved for you, please stop disrupting the workers.
To: Urist McTreechopper
From: Militia Squad 3 (the Bulbous Balls)
RE: Bravery and lack thereof
You are a Legendary Swordsdwarf and Legendary Marksdwarf. Kindly act the part when out gathering pinewood and do not run away from every rhesus macaque that looks in your general direction. You are wearing a full suit of Adamantine armor and carrying both a crossbow and a longsword made from same. Tiny thieving monkeys cannot possibly hurt you.
------
Dear Urist McBaron,
While we appreciate that you have a liking for Slade, and that Armok has in His wisdom created the stone in such a way that it crumbles at the Dorfen touch, mandating production of 35 Slade doors is beyond our willingness to cooperate. Instead, because we plebians of Smoothbanners Barony do not believe in subtlety or mincing around, we have channeled a path into your ceiling from the above-ground lava moat and a second path from the local pond. We shall reclaim your armor and the contents of your room after you have finished cooling.
Regards,
Masons' Union, Hauling Squad 4, Channeling Squad 3 (collectively the Revolutionary Council)
------
To: All Fortress Administrators worldwide and in other worlds
From: Overseer Whiteface
RE: Idiocy Prevention
There exists a simple method to prevent wall-based idiocy, friends. First build the wall, but leave out one square. Then, make a bridge that closes into a wall in that square. Connect a lever and pull said lever. Wall complete, idiocy avoided. For extra security, build an extra three wall sections around the bridge on the inside so that, even should said bridge be destroyed in some manner, the destroyers will still be unable to get in. If you have something that can destroy walls, blocking the area behind the bridge is the least of your worries.
Post by: Jimmy T. Malice on December 30, 2011, 01:44:49 pm
While I appreciate you're disgusted by the miasma coming from your leader's rotting lower left arm, perhaps you should take it outside instead of putting it in the stone stockpile.
Post by: jamesadelong on December 30, 2011, 02:03:56 pm
From: Management
RE: Update on the fortress
You death is not rewarded. Ignore the fallen. Retake the library!
Management
Post by: Broseph Stalin on December 30, 2011, 03:04:19 pm
You just beat a Cyclops to death with your bare hands and suffered no casualties while over half of my military was killed fighting a giant pile of vomit. You are now my military and I shall see to it each of you will be given a brand new pair of socks.
Overseer
Post by: Andreus on December 30, 2011, 03:06:11 pm
From: The Management
Stop trying to feed injured or imprisoned dwarves. It would quite literally be more efficient to relocate the entire food stockpile to their cells than for you to carry it to them. The mayor's spouse being dead? Yeah guys, that's on you.
To: Urdim Istbarsodel Tatekolthez, Weaponsmith, Swordmaster and Wielder of Tustzalerib
From: The Management
Yes, I am keenly aware that, with a kill list larger than the next three largest in the fortress and a named sword, you are possibly the most deadly non-megabeast historical figure currently alive.
That doesn't mean you can spend an entire half-year "On Break". Get back to work and make me more godsdamned swords.
To: Duke Onul Itonottan
From: The Management
We now quite literally have enough splints that if every dwarf in the fortress were to break all four limbs at once, we'd have enough splints to set all of them.
STOP MANDATING THEIR CONSTRUCTION.
Post by: Jimmy T. Malice on December 30, 2011, 04:07:39 pm
To: Any and All Dwarves With Leg Injuries
From: The Management
Stop trying to feed injured or imprisoned dwarves. It would quite literally be more efficient to relocate the entire food stockpile to their cells than for you to carry it to them. The mayor's spouse being dead? Yeah guys, that's on you.
To: Urdim Istbarsodel Tatekolthez, Weaponsmith, Swordmaster and Wielder of Tustzalerib
From: The Management
Yes, I am keenly aware that, with a kill list larger than the next three largest in the fortress and a named sword, you are possibly the most deadly non-megabeast historical figure currently alive.
That doesn't mean you can spend an entire half-year "On Break". Get back to work and make me more godsdamned swords.
To: Duke Onul Itonottan
From: The Management
We now quite literally have enough splints that if every dwarf in the fortress were to break all four limbs at once, we'd have enough splints to set all of them.
STOP MANDATING THEIR CONSTRUCTION.
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...
Post by: Aleksander on December 30, 2011, 06:55:27 pm
When I set all dwarves to a burrow inside the fort because there is a goblin army that just slaughtered the military, please actually go to the burrow and not go outside the for to do god knows what.
Post by: Callista on December 30, 2011, 08:09:55 pm
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...Naw, just break his limbs repeatedly to use up some of those extra splints.
Post by: Andreus on December 31, 2011, 02:06:45 am
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...
If I could afford to do that I already would have. However, he's otherwise one of the useful nobles, who actually acts as my manager, trader and record keeper, having Legendary skill in Appraising and Organising, and Adept skill in Bookkeeping.
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 31, 2011, 02:13:15 am
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...
If I could afford to do that I already would have. However, he's otherwise one of the useful nobles, who actually acts as my manager, trader and record keeper, having Legendary skill in Appraising and Organising, and Adept skill in Bookkeeping.
Then it's a good thing those three train quickly then :P
Post by: Andreus on December 31, 2011, 02:36:08 am
Then it's a good thing those three train quickly then :P
I also want to keep him around because of this (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=98227.0).
Post by: Lagslayer on December 31, 2011, 09:18:36 am
The best part of the game is the forums. You get countless tales of hysteria, triumph, despair, and pure awesome completely contained within the game world. Then there's the !!science!! nuts, bringing much of the same joy by doing the exact opposite thing.Then it's a good thing those three train quickly then :P
I also want to keep him around because of this (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=98227.0).
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 31, 2011, 10:10:00 am
The best part of the game is the forums. You get countless tales of hysteria, triumph, despair, and pure awesome completely contained within the game world. Then there's the !!science!! nuts, bringing much of the same joy by doing the exact opposite thing.Then it's a good thing those three train quickly then :P
I also want to keep him around because of this (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=98227.0).
Or both >:D
Post by: Deus Machina on January 03, 2012, 06:15:47 am
What is up with you guys? You barge in the door when we breach the caravans, then just run in circles around the plug we're cutting to pass the cavern lake. Attack any dwarves that pass until one swings a pick, then go all Benny Hill. Basically, just disrupting productivity. Enjoy your spot there, you're dead soon.
Dear miners,
The rutherers are three levels down and beneath hatches in any direction they can come up to you. Just channel, please.
Dear residents,
Just because the rutherers (and eight dwarves) are dead does not mean this is the new meeting place. Why are you all taking your breaks on top of the plug with brief jaunts directly below? You know we have to drop this to get to any magma or better metals than copper that might be deeper. Get out of the way.
There. Now, while they're gone, Urist, cut the support. No, not from on top of the plug. Cancel, move down there. Try ag--no, not from there. Tell you what, I'm going to put a wall there in a moment. Don't... why are you still trying it from that side? I told you I'm going to put a wall there. The other side has a lot more open space. Stop. Let's try ag--
Oh for Armok's sake, you have everywhere else to take a break, why do a dozen of you bastards come here?
Fine. Screw it. Hit it, Urist.
--The Over... you don't even care. The hell with you all.
PS: How did you guys instantly learn to swim? Let's see who survived... The cheese and potash makers and waxworker. Great...Dear Survivors of the Plug Drop of 127,
Good news, everyone! Here's some picks, you guys are now in charge of the Lake Plugging, Magma Breaching, and Trash Compacting task force!
Post by: IamanElfCollaborator on January 03, 2012, 08:20:34 am
Stop complaining about the damned corpses and get back to work. I don't care if there are ghosts, GET BACK TO WORK!
Also, don't forget to pull the magma lever. Yes, the lever connected to the resevoir blocked by a wood wall right in front of the duke's room.
Post by: Jake on January 03, 2012, 08:53:39 am
To: Duke Onul Itonottan
From: The Management
We now quite literally have enough splints that if every dwarf in the fortress were to break all four limbs at once, we'd have enough splints to set all of them.
STOP MANDATING THEIR CONSTRUCTION.
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...
That runs the risk of a replacement who mandates items made out of aluminium or Spotted Wobegong Leather or something; at least splints are easy to make. And I've found that the easiest way to keep nobles from mandating things is to stick some artefact furniture in their bedroom.
Post by: IamanElfCollaborator on January 03, 2012, 08:54:43 am
Post by: ledgekindred on January 03, 2012, 10:52:28 am
You are a Legendary Weaponsmith. Once in a while you ask that we make some high boots, which our military appreciates, so thanks for that. You occasionally feel like banning exports of things we don't have or wouldn't want to get rid of anyway, like those high boots we just made. You happily haul stuff and clean up the fort. You are also not averse to dragging an armed, armored goblin to chuck it down the pit into the barracks for "military training exercises."
Please report to your luxuriously-appointed bedroom, complete with masterwork, gold furniture and enjoy your continued existence as the most laid-back, easygoing noble I have ever had in my multitude of forts. (And I've done my best to ensure that there are no oysters in your room, as you apparently detest them.)
I also notice you are an "Expert Comedian." That explains a lot.
Yrs
Bemused Overseer
Post by: jamesadelong on January 03, 2012, 01:56:39 pm
To: Dastot Zaledkeskal, Dutchess,
You are a Legendary Weaponsmith. Once in a while you ask that we make some high boots, which our military appreciates, so thanks for that. You occasionally feel like banning exports of things we don't have or wouldn't want to get rid of anyway, like those high boots we just made. You happily haul stuff and clean up the fort. You are also not averse to dragging an armed, armored goblin to chuck it down the pit into the barracks for "military training exercises."
Please report to your luxuriously-appointed bedroom, complete with masterwork, gold furniture and enjoy your continued existence as the most laid-back, easygoing noble I have ever had in my multitude of forts. (And I've done my best to ensure that there are no oysters in your room, as you apparently detest them.)
I also notice you are an "Expert Comedian." That explains a lot.
Yrs
Bemused Overseer
Must be hard work ensuring those oysters don't invade. ;)
Post by: Deus Machina on January 11, 2012, 09:03:20 am
Please take a hint from your militia commander.
"Urist McCommander has grown attached to a copper morningstar!" Hey, awesome, good choice. Fine by me. I'll even promise to decorate your room's furnishings with the bits of goblin skull you leave behind.
Great choice. Best choice of the scant few greenie weapons, and the ones we traded for are mostly junk. I never even buy any weapons from the elves, and they haven't managed to get killed by any of the ambu--
"Urist McRucruit has grown attached to an Oaken long sword!" ...Where did you even get that?
Post by: Vorthon on January 11, 2012, 09:07:27 am
I know it must be traumatic being the last survivor of that rash of Lyroaka ambushes, but do you really have to go on break now? It really seems like your survival now depends on you building up your defenses until the next caravan arrives. Seriously, I doubt picking up a pick is reason enough to go on break.
Sincerely, your mildly annoyed overseer
(Was playing the direforged mod and forgot to set up defenses. There was so much carnage.)
Post by: jaxy15 on January 11, 2012, 09:11:55 am
There's a troll beating the hell out of a carpenter while you're near a well.
What do you do? Just stand there.
You are now dead.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: jamesadelong on January 11, 2012, 09:54:37 am
From: Mission Control
RE: Recent Invasion
WHY?
Post by: Zaphod728 on January 13, 2012, 01:17:03 am
Next time maybe you should run away from the lava.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood overload
Dear Urist McNoArms
Yes, I have gotten all your messages about not being able to pick up anything. Your recent military service is admirable, and it has earned you a VIP ticket to the grand opening of "super fun lava playland resort and casino."
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood overload
Post by: Theifofdreams on January 13, 2012, 03:01:20 am
What? How? WHAT? You know what, GTFO of my fortress. Just.. I don't even know how you did that. Get out. Now. You are now on Ambush Finding duty. Given what you did, you'll do just fine at that.
-Sincerely; Your very angry Overseer.
Dear Urist Mcpeasant-turned-mason
You. Go plug that hole. And the other hole. Use walls.
And if you lock yourself out, then you'll have officially volunteered to join Urist McLeeroyJenkins on Ambush Finding Duty. You do nothing but haul anyway, so no loss there.
-With all my rage; Your frustrated Overseer.
Post by: UnexpectedSalad on January 13, 2012, 06:52:59 am
You were a legendary brewer and herbalist as well as one of the original seven of our great fortress. Why you decided to run miles east to the border of our lands and perish at the tip of our enemys swords instead of heading straight down into the safety of the hold, I am uncertain.
Your actions on that terrible day have had consequences that of which you could never have comprehended. Your wife and friends have caused a riot, order is all but gone. Many of the hold have been cut down, many are as I write this letter.
You have dishonored our great fortress and many lives have been lost as a result of what you have done.
Your corpse will be thrown into the lake of fire beneath our home, your family and friends will receive the same fate. Your quarters are to be demolished. Any trace of your existence is to be erased.
Burn in hell,
The Boss
PS. You're a douchebag.
Post by: Reudh on January 13, 2012, 07:02:58 am
This is the third time I've had to save you from yourself after you walled yourself in. One of your friends already did the same and got set upon by troggies walled in with him.
This is the second time you've nearly starved to death from your own stupidity.
Do it once more, and I'll let you die, regardless of the fact you are friends with forty dwarves.
Reudh, Overseer of the Barony of Limulunnos.
Post by: JackOSpades on January 13, 2012, 09:34:05 am
Post by: ledgekindred on January 13, 2012, 10:26:38 am
I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty. (true story and only injury from the entire siege)
Yrs
Not-amused Overseer
Post by: Broseph Stalin on January 13, 2012, 10:48:15 am
Dear Urist McSurgeonWhat are you an elf? Washing someone with soap might be a delicate medical procedure (you must be careful of the beard) but arrow removal is so simple a child could -and will- do it themselves when they go to wash the blood off their clothes.
I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty. (true story and only injury from the entire siege)
Yrs
Not-amused Overseer
Post by: Loud Whispers on January 13, 2012, 11:02:16 am
Dear Urist McSurgeonWhat are you an elf? Washing someone with soap might be a delicate medical procedure (you must be careful of the beard) but arrow removal is so simple a child could -and will- do it themselves when they go to wash the blood off their clothes.
I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty. (true story and only injury from the entire siege)
Yrs
Not-amused Overseer
Fixing the leg afterwards is butchers pay though. And dammit, there aren't any more butchers after the cats revolted :|
Post by: proxn_punkd on January 14, 2012, 12:08:31 am
I took you out of the army so you wouldn't have your baby in the danger room while it was active. WHY DID YOU RANDOMLY WALK INTO THE DANGER ROOM WITH YOUR BABY?!
Signed,
Proxian
Post by: Loud Whispers on January 14, 2012, 03:01:06 am
What were you doing outside? I saw no socks, so that was out of the question. Please tell me you weren't trying to acquire a yak corpse or something -_-
Anyways, I commend your reckless finesse in the way you dispatched the siege so efficiently.
You shall henceforth be known as Katsumoto, and be given many steel swords.
Post by: jaxy15 on January 14, 2012, 04:24:22 am
I'd prefer if you rested a bit after you got a crutch. That giant capybara was still there.
Post by: jamesadelong on January 16, 2012, 02:46:42 am
RE: The horrible little civil war
From: The guys inside the bunker
This little battle has gone on for far too long. Your friends have seized and destructed many of the farms and the farmers have been unable to grow any more food. That doesn't just affect the loyalists. Take a guess what the next step is; starvation, then death. I request you cease this bloody civil war and allow my farmers to get back to work. I refuse to extend anyone from the fortified palace, you'll just kill them in the state your in. Also, move away from the magma cylinders. We need those now that your ilk includes many of the pump operators. Move towards it and I'll purge the system and burn you and everybody who's helping you. Keep this up and I'll order the soldiers from above ground to allow the gobbo's in, then we'll see who gets the last laugh.
Post by: werechicken on January 16, 2012, 06:26:21 pm
When I say get in position I mean now, not when you've finished draining the last booze barrel you diminutive, alcoholic cretins! Oh, and if I see another one of you go on duty without a crossbow or with only one sodding bone bolt in your quiver (when I know for a fact the are hundreds of stacks of state of the art metal bolts, like the ones you're ordered to use, you insubordinate little gits) your next station will be on the retractable bridge directly above the sacrifice pit!
Axe dwarves, keep up the good work.
Post by: Reudh on January 16, 2012, 06:35:59 pm
Y U NO WORK PROPERLY?
Sincerely,
Reudh
Post by: Callista on January 16, 2012, 08:49:10 pm
Congratulations on handily destroying the recent goblin siege.
However, for future reference, remember that it is not generally advisable to take three weeks to pick up your crossbows and carefully select only the prettiest bolts before ambling slowly into battle.
That squishy, bloody mess you all meandered past on your way to the fight? That was our legendary bowyer. You know, the one who made your crossbows? Yeah, that guy. He's dead now, thanks to your oh-so-fast response.
Guess who's not getting any more masterwork crossbows for a good long while? Report to rock-hauling duty, pronto.
--Overseer
Dear Urist McLegendaryBowyer,
Walking into that ambush was pure bad luck. Killing two of the goblins while unarmed and half-dead was pure badassery. Surviving long enough for me to hope that you might be rescued was pure stubbornness. We apologize for your death, and acknowledge that the following couple dozen dead goblins are, by rights, yours to claim as well, since the masterwork crossbows you made were what we used to killed them. That they were being held by a bunch of lazy militia dwarves at the time is probably just coincidence. Rest assured that the militia is not getting any credit for those kills.
Way to claim posthumous revenge. And, by the way, if the new haulers don't get your corpse to your tomb ASAP, I'm using them as trap testers.
--Overseer
Post by: Maxmurder on January 18, 2012, 08:13:54 pm
All incoming Migrants,
Please report to the chamber down the stairs on your left for "processing."
Management
Post by: Lagslayer on January 18, 2012, 09:55:01 pm
*Posted outside Rough Dolomite Bridge*Did you just sig yourself?
All incoming Migrants,
Please report to the chamber down the stairs on your left for "processing."
Management
Post by: Maxmurder on January 18, 2012, 11:34:02 pm
Yes. yes i did...*Posted outside Rough Dolomite Bridge*Did you just sig yourself?
All incoming Migrants,
Please report to the chamber down the stairs on your left for "processing."
Management
Post by: Zaphod728 on January 19, 2012, 12:09:06 am
I do appreciate your taste in gold goblets, but really, it took my metalcrafter only 1 bar of gold to make the items i traded to you. I feel kinda bad taking most of your stuff. Could you possibly refrain from coming when we are under attack. I guess if you all die i can just take all your stuff.
P.S. I just half to ask, whats with the firefly brains? How many did you kill to make 5 meals worth? And the prepared bumblebee, It it just 1 or a whole plate full?
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood overload
Post by: Keldor on January 19, 2012, 03:31:13 am
Post by: Niccolo on January 19, 2012, 09:15:36 am
You know those fancy restraunts where they serve really tiny portions...?
Remind me to never go for Dwarven dégustation.
Post by: Zaphod728 on January 19, 2012, 12:14:31 pm
You know those fancy restraunts where they serve really tiny portions...?
No kidding, it would be hard to even see a firefly brain.
Dear Urist McMoodyFace
I dont normally mind my dwarves making extravagant items, especially when I have all the items you need, but i did really expect more. You grabbed 3 stacks of cloth, enough wood to make 3 beds, gold bars, stone, and some leather. I was thinking "what sort of crazy item will this be," and what do you make? A pig tail fiber shirt . . . . I do appreciate that it is worth over 60K, but lets try to be more creative next time.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood overload
Post by: viila on January 19, 2012, 12:30:08 pm
Please stop sulking in the corner of the map and order your squad to attack already. Look, we even lowered our drawbridge. You yourself could just fly over the walls! Do something, anything! You're making everyone paranoid.
With silver arrows,
Overlord Viila
Post by: Garath on January 19, 2012, 01:10:16 pm
Dear Snodub Creaturedemons, Goblin bat rider
Please stop sulking in the corner of the map and order your squad to attack already. Look, we even lowered our drawbridge. You yourself could just fly over the walls! Do something, anything! You're making everyone paranoid.
With silver arrows,
Overlord Viila
known bug with flying mounts and pathing. Note that they do fine if you kill the rider
Post by: viila on January 19, 2012, 02:46:50 pm
I appreciate the fervor with which you chased down the goblin hordes, but really, couldn't you have taken a few more steps around the frozen pool that had been designated as restricted traffic zone? In Spring? When you knew that it was going to thaw out at any moment?
Your facepalming Overlord,
Viila
PS. Don't think I don't know it was you who possessed Urist McGemCutter to build a gemstone coffin decorated with images of the coffin itself in more gemstone, not even 1 minute after your death... No. You will not be buried in it. You. were. not. that. important. ::)
Post by: Spirit of Power on January 19, 2012, 03:56:44 pm
I have made bins. Many bins. More bins than I care to count. I have set the stockpiles to allow you to fit as many bins as possible in them. There is no other work to do. So why, WHY, do you not continue storing things in the stockpiles? There's bins. There's stuff. There's no room left in the stockpile for more stuff. There is, however, room for more bins. So why do you do nothing? WHY? WHYYYYYYYY???
Sincerely,
your rather vexed leader.
Post by: Angel Of Death on January 19, 2012, 04:07:01 pm
You useless bastard. You were assigned with killing the crystal FB who just came in, and you ran the moment you saw it. Nevermind, a useless wax worker just punched it in half.
Post by: Fishybang on January 19, 2012, 04:30:23 pm
Sincerely,
Your very amused leader.
Post by: Mr Frog on January 19, 2012, 04:45:22 pm
We would like to clarify that your cabinet is not intended for long-term food storage, that the disquieting aroma currently wafting through the dormitory is the typical result of attempting to use a cabinet for long-term food storage, and that your continued resistance to having the festering plump helmet roast removed from your cabinet may or may not result in your being immediately removed from military service and assigned a new job as a ballista target.
Hugs and Kisses,
Your Benevolent God-Emperor
Post by: raptorfangamer on January 19, 2012, 04:51:03 pm
just tell me who you are, and what do you hate, I will make some very special engravings soon if I dont find happiness soon enough.
____________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________
no, I dont care, I made the reactions (hopefully) right! so you should do them, and follow them to their very ends, now craft a chain with a pick and give it to a militia dorf
no, I dont pay you for that, I dont pay you for anything, on some brighter news, you will be conscripted to your own squad next season, dont worry, you will be fighting those adorable capybaras, all of the local legends are lies the las militia commander didnt retire because of that, dont be a wuss.
Post by: Minepow2 on January 19, 2012, 10:20:15 pm
I noticed that you are complaining about a unicorn nuzzling your shoulder when you were making beds in the outdoors. Why were you out there when you have a very nice workshop made with jewels. So either come in or let the unicorn eat you, for I have no use for you.
Sincerely,
Your almighty over seer
Post by: Reudh on January 19, 2012, 10:28:01 pm
I wanted to breathe the outdoors ya know? Don't get me wrong, I'm no elf, it's just good to get outside to fight off the cave nasty. I don't want to be spewin' everywhere every time I go out o' the fort, ya ken?
And the military shoul' be takin' care of the unicorns. They make good eatin' from what I heard.
And good fighters, what with that dirty great horn in their heads. You should look inta capturin' summa' tha' unicorns so's I don't get shoulder nudges in future.
Jus' sayin'.
Yours understandably,
Urist McCarpenter Esq.
Post by: Vehudur on January 20, 2012, 01:45:06 am
I realize that you thought mining out that pillar was a good idea, however, you removed the support for the rock under your own feet. I am amazed you survived the fall.
Enjoy your broken limbs.
Sincerely,
Your amused overseer.
Post by: Broseidon on January 20, 2012, 11:05:08 am
Use bolts
Signed,
A concerned parent
Post by: Zaphod728 on January 20, 2012, 12:29:28 pm
That platform was dug out 2 years ago, long before you arrived to this fortress. How did you get up there? Did you learn to jump? Did somehow you learn to fly? Did you ride the goose :o !? I would love an army of goose riders, but you should have revealed your secrets before dieing of thirst.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Your Friendly Neighborhood Overload
Post by: Korva on January 20, 2012, 03:20:41 pm
PS. Don't think I don't know it was you who possessed Urist McGemCutter to build a gemstone coffin decorated with images of the coffin itself in more gemstone, not even 1 minute after your death... No. You will not be buried in it. You. were. not. that. important. ::)
Heh, good one. Talk about timing. :p
Post by: Zaphod728 on January 20, 2012, 09:11:42 pm
When I was little my parents had a conversation that started "When a goose loves a gander . . . . " I thought i understood how these things worked. Then I saw this:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Your Confused Neighborhood Overload
Post by: Jake on January 20, 2012, 09:26:59 pm
This is one of those questions that sensible people don't ask, because if they got an answer it would surely drive them mad.
Yours,
A fellow Avatar of Armok.
Post by: werechicken on January 20, 2012, 10:56:05 pm
Bravery is a fine thing, but, in six separate sieges one of you, without fail, will run out on his own and will either be brutally killed, horrifically injured or get knocked out on a cage trap.
Could you all please just stay where I order you, I mean it's not like you can even see the incoming goblins where I post you.
Post by: Garath on January 21, 2012, 02:51:54 pm
Yes, I knew the risk. Yes magma is beautiful.
However, I do not apreciate it that you lost a valuable pickaxe as well as your life because you were just standing still watching death aproach
Post by: Xzalander on January 21, 2012, 03:57:23 pm
While I understand each dwarf will eventually have an epiphany and decide to lock themselves away with some of our most valuable resources and while the resource you took was not that valuable it was ruddy rare!
Sure it was only copper, but that copper was BOUGHT in for a pricely sum of 140 Dwarfbucks due to the fact there is no ore that we have discovered.
I was hoping youd atleast make some decent use of it but no instead you made a flute. With an engraving of your idiot cousins artifact a wood necklace.
Enjoy your hammering. Both of you.
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 30, 2012, 12:50:14 pm
I hear you knocking, but you can't come in. Why? Because the new version is coming soon, and I don't want to sink time/effort/resources into a fort that I'll probably never play again once it's released. I promise I'll be back, just chill out.
Me
Post by: Shinotsa on January 30, 2012, 01:19:25 pm
You are perhaps the dwarfiest dwarf I have ever known. Not only did you serve admirably protecting the citizens in the siege that ended with only five survivors in the entire fort, but you also were the only of those five to actually listen to my burrow order and head into the caverns before the goblins broke deeper into the fort. There you sealed yourself off and proceeded to gather your own food through fishing and herbalism, build your own furniture, and generally just ensure your survival. You did so well down there that I assigned you a handful of stockpiles, enabled all of your jobs, and forgot about you.
Sorry about that.
But a year of inattentive overseeing later, when I needed some wood and decided to come down for the tower caps there you were, happily eating food you gathered yourself, drinking water, and admiring your own damn furniture. However your masonry and carpentry workshops were no more, both reduced to meager piles of stone. And in the all-in-one stockpile I assigned to you long after you were sealed off is a large uppercase T. While it has been so long that the combat report is empty, I have to say that I don't exactly care what Invisible Bends you served to him, I can only imagine your moniker was given to yourself as you sneakily readjusted its anatomy wearing no armor but your old tattered shreds.
If the caravans ever come back you are immediately being elevated to Baron. You have found a place in my heart and, if I get bored, my arena.
Post by: miauw62 on January 30, 2012, 01:29:16 pm
Could you please pull that lever for me?
Singed,
Post by: wierd on January 30, 2012, 01:30:18 pm
Can you please explain to me why you feel compelled to cancel a wall construction order, citing that the space is occupied by a creature, when in fact, there is no creature there at all?
I understand that at one point in time there was a turkey there. The turkey was struck down mercilessly for being a waste of flesh, and the corpse has long since decomposed. There is no longer even the slightest trace of turkey on the section of megaproject I wish for you to construct the wall on. I understand how you have a phobia of turkeys ever since "the incident" you had last spring, however, this turkey is dead and has been for quite some time.
Kindly refrain from countermanding my architechtural build orders in the future, unless you wish to know the price for insubbordinate behavior.
Cordially yours, the overseer.
Post by: miauw62 on January 30, 2012, 02:12:25 pm
Dear UristMcMiner.
You useless bastard. You were assigned with killing the crystal FB who just came in, and you ran the moment you saw it. Nevermind, a useless wax worker just punched it in half.
Dear Uristmcoversee-thingy (failspelling :D)
I actually did help in the fight, i was tactically retreating so i could plan out the strategy to use, and i weakend the crystals whit my mind.
Signed, Urst McMiner
Post by: zimer02 on January 30, 2012, 08:36:58 pm
I still don't understand that while I was digging a 1z level pit under my bridge to protect against invaders you had to jump one zlevel and into the cavein even though you were standing on stable ground. Actions like that can lead to injury and death (mostly death).
Dear Urist McMechanic
Why is it that when I wanted you to make one mechanism it takes you 9 months to make? What in god's name stopped you from making it? For Armok's sake you're wife had son before you decided to make the damn thing! And then after I got the trap set you went on a "fey mood" and took the all the iron I had smelted to make a mechanism. Is that supposed to be some kind of joke? Report immediately to your bedroom to be locked in it intill you starve to death. I don't care if you have a wife and kids you are sentenced to dwarven capital punishment.
Signed, Urist McExpeditionleader.
Post by: Sting_Auer on January 30, 2012, 08:52:50 pm
The Condemned are not wanted. They are of no use to us and do nothing more than hog the booze and food. A Purging Chamber is the best way to deal with this. Now, quit your whining, and get back to work before we change your job to "condemned"
Sincerely,
Urist McStalin
Post by: Jimmitheking on January 30, 2012, 11:01:27 pm
I understand you are sleepy. Passing your days near the entrance drawbridge, watching for goblins, can be hard indeed.
But you still must stay on your guard, as we recently encoutered many snatchers and it might soon get worst.
You are able to sleep. But please. Sleep in the gate-house! Dormiratory are for the low-life and migrants without revelant skills.
Sleeping in dormiratorys is innapropriate for someone with a post of your importance; gate-keeper.
We have dogs in case some goblins trys to sneak-in, but they wont defeat them for sure as easily as a dwarf like you.
So please, return to your post...
Yours,
The Mayor
----
Dear Urist McCook.
I understand your artistic taste for complicated recipes for simple meals.
When i order you to make some "easy meal", i actually mean cooking some meat, wich IS easy.
I dont mean create by some unknown unprobable cookies made out of giant rat meat, and cookies made out of plump helmet.
Please do an effort to make simple recipes.
PS-edit: I just recieved your little gift. I admit those plump helmets cookies are good...
I'm throwing this letter into magma! Thanks!
-A letter found on the mayor's table
Post by: Cheveux on January 30, 2012, 11:12:42 pm
I'm really sorry about ordering the melting of your first and only masterpiece, it was an oversight to just designated every silver large serrated disc for melting.
Still, you shouldn't have punched SteelPick McLegendaryMiner in the toe. I liked you a lot, you were the only mayor that made doable demands, like helms, shortswords and other copper stuff. You will be entombed in your legendary bedroom in an artefact steel sarcophagus, if I can find your right foot and your head.
Your wife, Urist McOnlyArmorsmithOfTheFortress, will start doing your old job.
Yours truly,
The Overseer
Post by: Clockwise Onions on January 31, 2012, 12:11:45 am
The metalsmiths have told you many times, they cannot fashion beds made of iron. Continuing to demand one in your bedroom and then punching cats because we cannot grant you one will only result in further frustration and tension in the fortress. In order to abate your rage for just a little while longer, while the metalsmiths consult with the carpenters on the art of bedmaking, I would like to invite you to pull this lever. Once pulled you shall feel a warm and comforting sensation begin to surround you.
Sincerely, Supreme Overseer of Fortress ForestMurder
Post by: Schizotek on January 31, 2012, 12:34:34 am
CONGRATULATIONS!! I've decided to allow you to become member twenty-six of Charbone!! You displayed an amazing will to live when you and your family alone survived charging into a goblin siege barehanded with your fellow stranded migrants. You went on to show off your callousness and dedication to achieving your objectives when you beat your berserk 4 year old son to death with your bare hands. Perhaps the sight of him choking your wife to death helped? In any case, please proceed into the temple of Armok upon the artificial plateau overlooking the fort. Go into the MIDDLE hallway, not the side passages (those are for failures like your other son, he'll spend the rest of his exceedingly short, melting life in service to Armok), and pull the lever closing the floodgate behind you. Please proceed to your freshly constructed legendary bedroom. You'll be happy to know that there's a very favorable gender ratio here for a newly single dwarf.
-The overseer
Post by: Alternatecash on January 31, 2012, 12:45:45 am
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.
-Zietgiest of Drillmines.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on January 31, 2012, 01:05:12 am
Re: Laying Siege to Hamebalanced.
You lot just LEFT! Why the hell has another siege suddenly turned up on my doorstep? If you're looking for the first group of goblins that came to siege us, THEY JUST LEFT! If you hurry, you can catch them and leave us to building our
Sincerely;
The dwarves of Hamebalanced.
Post by: Niccolo on January 31, 2012, 01:23:55 am
Dear Baron,
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.
-Zietgiest of Drillmines.
Dear Zeitgeist:
The mayor's room is still too shiny! How dare he think he is good enough for brass?
The arrogance of some dwarves, I tell you...
- Baron of Drillmines
Post by: Sus on January 31, 2012, 07:18:39 am
I know it's hard to resist the call of that sweet, sweet +Dwarven Beer Stew+, even for a moment.
But I urge you to please, please consider the following: Unless you pull that lever over there by the dining hall entrance right now, the horde of Goblin spearmen currently standing on the bridge over a 10 z-level drop will cross the bridge, merrily waltz into the fortress proper and murder everyone you know, including yourself and your little cat, too.
Dear Urist McNoble:
A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!
Dear Urist McAxdorf,
I know it's kind of a bore to just stand around, defending a burrow no-one is currently attacking. But I assure you: they will come, in their good time. You will get your chance at glory and severed motor nerves eventually. Please don't throw away your life by trying to solo 30+ goblins in the meantime. Think of your family. Think of your poor, orphaned Cavy pup. Choose life!
-Signed, 'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on January 31, 2012, 07:28:24 am
Dear Urist McLeverpuller,
I know it's hard to resist the call of that sweet, sweet +Dwarven Beer Stew+, even for a moment.
But I urge you to please, please consider the following: Unless you pull that lever over there by the dining hall entrance right now, the horde of Goblin spearmen currently standing on the bridge over a 10 z-level drop will cross the bridge, merrily waltz into the fortress proper and murder everyone you know, including yourself and your little cat, too.
Urist McLeverpuller cancels reply: Getting drunk off lunch
Dear Urist McNoble:
A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!
To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed
I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over. Is that so wrong for one of my stature?
Sincerely;
Urist McNoble
Dear Urist McAxdorf,
I know it's kind of a bore to just stand around, defending a burrow no-one is currently attacking. But I assure you: they will come, in their good time. You will get your chance at glory and severed motor nerves eventually. Please don't throw away your life by trying to solo 30+ goblins in the meantime. Think of your family. Think of your poor, orphaned Cavy pup. Choose life!
-Signed, 'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer
Thirty goblins isn't a siege, IT'S A CHALLENGE! *Urist McAxedwarf cancels discussion; Entering martial trance*
Post by: ledgekindred on January 31, 2012, 03:14:05 pm
You were assigned to train in your barracks when the siege arrived. You were also given an adamantine battleaxe, made from some of the few precious adamantine wafers we have thus far collected, worthy of your status as a legendary axedwarf. So why, why did you decide to drop your shield and axe and waltz outside to shake hands with the goblin master lasher? And by "shake hands" I mean "have both arms lashed off before having your brain ripped out of your skull in short order." You couldn't even have waited until the siege passed the line of cage traps I have set up to gather material for my experimental forgotten beast system? Well, now you are dead and stuffed into a nondescript coffin.
Dear Urist McBonkers,
I'm sorry you lost an arm trying to rescue Urist McDumbass axedwarf. Perhaps if you had visited the hospital to get it looked at instead of continuing to bleed out while doing individual combat drills, you wouldn't have become so miserable that you threw a tantrum and whacked my broker/bookkeeper/manager in the face with your silver warhammer, causing his head to instantly turn into a fine mist of dwarf head, skull and brains. Which caused one of his marksdwarf friends to throw a tantrum and attempt to punch a war dog to death, only succeeding in breaking its back and splattering blood around. Then you decided to go stark raving mad. Your stuff will be reassigned to the next "volunteer" to the hammer squad and your dead body will be placed into a nondescript coffin next to the previously addressed dumbass. As soon as you starve to death. Which I would appreciate if you would hurry up and do.
Dear Rest of Military,
(Or at least the ones who responded to my orders to go out and try to rescue Urist McDumbass instead of run off downstairs and mill about before deciding to go back on duty.) You routed the siege. A couple of you got titles. A couple of you added to your already ridiculously-long kill lists. Such as "Nil Typhoonwork, the Tin Soldier of Caves" with 43 notable kills and counting. (Clad, however, in steel, not tin, and wielding Stindurad "The Strifeful Beard", an iron short sword.) Mmmmmmmmaybe I should have had enough faith in your skills to go save the elven caravan before the siege got to them, but meh, they're just elves.
Yrs
Illustrious Overseer
Post by: terkiey on January 31, 2012, 06:43:05 pm
Yes, that is a puddle up to your knees, no you can't swim.
Post by: Loud Whispers on January 31, 2012, 06:43:41 pm
You're not a Dwarf,
What are you doing here?
Silly hooman, you can't see in the dark.
Post by: Schizotek on January 31, 2012, 07:19:34 pm
At first your petty antics amused me. But when the ghost of Urist McUselessmouthtofeed nearly killed Charbone's one and only brewer, Gragas, the line had to be drawn. It's not my fault you useless sacrifices keep showing up on my doorstep. My mason and engraver are now taking time from their busy schedules to make memorials for you all. We will be using your ludicrous number of tombstones as paving tiles from here on out. Good work murdering those other useless migrants however.
-the Overseer.
Dear Durin Ironfounderson,
As amusing as it is watching one of the two members of Charbone's military slaughtering amphibian men with an oak training axe, I would please ask you to drop it during actual battle in favor of your artifact steel axe. It won't be as funny watching you get torn apart by that blind giant beetle while flailing your stick at it. Forgotten beasts are not a joke, and no member of our small (but wealthy and mighty) stronghold is disposable. Except the sacrifices you never meet but probably hear and smell burning, drowning, exploding, and getting poked full of holes.
- your loving and patient Overseer
Post by: Alternatecash on January 31, 2012, 10:45:28 pm
Dear Baron,Dear Baron,
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.
-Zietgiest of Drillmines.
Dear Zeitgeist:
The mayor's room is still too shiny! How dare he think he is good enough for brass?
The arrogance of some dwarves, I tell you...
- Baron of Drillmines
You will see that you have been assigned a new office, also furnished in steel. You will see also a beautiful steel lever, menacing with spikes of Opal.
Kindly activate it, as it will ensure that your newest demands for a crystal glass window in your bedroom will be met. Thank you.
-Zietgiest of Drill mines
Post by: wierd on January 31, 2012, 11:13:16 pm
Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:
A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.
You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.
Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.
Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.
Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines
Post by: Greiger on January 31, 2012, 11:22:53 pm
Nobody is telling you how to do your job, or telling you not to use the advantages I have modded you to have.
But I told you to butcher a donkey. You ran out the front gate and with one swipe of your claw relieved a Cavy of it's right front leg then ran back into the fortress to get a drink leaving it to bleed to death. Eventually butcher #1 went and fetched the dumb ass from the other side of the lake.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- The Administration
Post by: Lagslayer on January 31, 2012, 11:29:04 pm
To Dracon Butcher #2Best. Butcher. EVER!
Nobody is telling you how to do your job, or telling you not to use the advantages I have modded you to have.
But I told you to butcher a donkey. You ran out the front gate and with one swipe of your claw relieved a Cavy of it's right front leg then ran back into the fortress to get a drink leaving it to bleed to death. Eventually butcher #1 went and fetched the dumb ass from the other side of the lake.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- The Administration
Wonder how he would fare against a siege.
Post by: Sus on January 31, 2012, 11:43:21 pm
Dear Urist McNoble:
A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!
To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed
I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over. Is that so wrong for one of my stature?
Sincerely;
Urist McNoble
Scribbled on this wall is a message from 'Sus' Palmedface. It is decorated with hanging rings of literary references and menacing with spikes of sarcasm.
"Sir,
Thank you for evoking that particular mental image.
I'll be sure to get right to work on your fancy impossible bed of self-voyeurism. In the meantime, you can admire this masterful Wall I had built just for you, where the door out of your quarters used to be. I had it made out of cat soap because I know how much you love cats. I trust you will find it is quite unsurpassable. While we useful dwarves labor towards your new... resting place, feel free to partake in the fine -<<-Prickle Berry Wine Casque->>- I left in your dining room.
Your Humblest Servant,
'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer
P.S. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.
P.P.S. On second thought, holding your breath just might be prudent right now..."
</in character>
Note to Self: Do not read this forum at the office while waiting for the work-related stuff to load. It's kind of hard to look all focused and professional while also trying not to laugh so hard it brings trears to your eyes... :D
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on January 31, 2012, 11:45:25 pm
You have one. ONE more chance to get out the magma tank of the pumpstack. If you do not vacate it when the wall is removed THIS time and decide to remain in it "On my break", I'll personally see to it you spend a long vacation in there with only magma for company. You have been warned!
Sincerely;
Your
Dear Urist McNoble:
A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!
To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed
I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over. Is that so wrong for one of my stature?
Sincerely;
Urist McNoble
Scribbled on this wall is a message from 'Sus' Palmedface. It is decorated with hanging rings of literary references and menacing with spikes of sarcasm.
"Sir,
Thank you for evoking that particular mental image.
I'll be sure to get right to work on your fancy impossible bed of self-voyeurism. In the meantime, you can admire this masterful Wall I had built just for you, where the door out of your quarters used to be. I had it made out of cat soap because I know how much you love cats. I trust you will find it is quite unsurpassable. While we useful dwarves labor towards your new... resting place, feel free to partake in the fine -<<-Prickle Berry Wine Casque->>- I left in your dining room.
Your Humblest Servant,
'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer
P.S. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.
P.P.S. On second thought, holding your breath just might be prudent right now..."
</in character>
Note to Self: Do not read this forum at the office while waiting for the work-related stuff to load. It's kind of hard to look all focused and professional while also trying not to laugh so hard it brings trears to your eyes... :D
You're welcome.
Post by: Johuotar on February 01, 2012, 06:11:43 am
I just gave you 3 rooms of solid gold, please stop tantruming.
Your faithul overseer, Johuotar.
Post by: Reudh on February 01, 2012, 06:15:50 am
But... but... the duke has a room almost as good as mine!
And a peasant has a room! What is this travesty?
Sincerely,
King Urist McNoble.
Post by: miauw62 on February 01, 2012, 09:08:01 am
I would apreciate if you used that pick to mine your way out of there, so i can enjoy this flooded fortress a little more.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 01, 2012, 09:27:37 am
Sit still, you stupid oversized turtle! My magma defenses may aim in all four cardinal directions, but it takes time to switch the levers! I won't rest till I have Boiled Titan Turtle Soup in my dinnerbowl, goddammit!
Sincerely; The Overseer of Hamebalanced
Post by: Sus on February 01, 2012, 11:36:38 am
To: The Hill Titan Apasi Ragoars, The Skin of BirdsDear Overseer,
Sit still, you stupid oversized turtle! My magma defenses may aim in all four cardinal directions, but it takes time to switch the levers! I won't rest till I have Boiled Titan Turtle Soup in my dinnerbowl, goddammit!
Sincerely; The Overseer of Hamebalanced
Not enough gun. :P
- Apasi Ragoars, Ninja Turtle
Post by: MountainGnome on February 01, 2012, 12:23:23 pm
From: Overseer
While I appreciate that you really wanted to get into our fine fortress, we do in fact have a front entrance. Why you decided to take the long way around through the shallow water of the river we were damming up and into the the underground channel we made to route it through the fortress I do not know. I am sorry that you all died when a combination of lever pulling and me just generally not caring about a couple of soap makers and another gem setter flooded the "still full of you now also full of water" underground river; but please be aware that your bodies will not be retrieved, you can rot in the overflow channel for all eternity. Maybe you'll get a slab.
-- The Overseer.
Post by: Vgray on February 01, 2012, 05:59:00 pm
From: The Management.
Stop eating so much! All 41 of you. And lay off the mushroom wine while your at it.
Post by: Nan on February 02, 2012, 02:16:19 am
You were ordered, along with the rest of your squad, to finish off some wounded warwolf wrestlers. Your squad got ambushed by Pandashi bowmen and the elite war butches were sent in to give the Pandashi the battle they crave. You however, knew about none of this. Maybe you were having a nice nap. Or perhaps you were enjoying a nice drink of booze, while your squad was fighting for their life. Maybe you had thought "Well, can't fight on an empty stomach can we now" and had a nice meal. I don't know. What I do know, is long after everyone else was outside fighting for the glory of Manorshimmered, you, bleary eyed, beard soaked with booze, and a mouthful of food, finally stepped outside, and got crushed to death by the drawbridge.
Three of your brave squadmates died in battle and will be remembered as heroes who died trying to protect a wounded rookie. You will not. You dishonored your comrades in life, and will be dishonored in death. You will not even receive a slab. You will stand watch over that drawbridge for as long as Manorshimmered stands. May your long vigal by a lonely one.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: Sus on February 02, 2012, 06:10:22 am
I see you've trapped yourself on top of a wall/ledge/insode a walled-off section of the map for the 100th time. Congratulations. This has to be some kind of record in stupidity.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to bother about saving you from your own idiocy yet again, so you can rot there for all eternity for all I care.
-Your Somewhat Annoyed Overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 02, 2012, 06:41:33 am
Dear Urist the Builder,
I see you've trapped yourself on top of a wall/ledge/insode a walled-off section of the map for the 100th time. Congratulations. This has to be some kind of record in stupidity.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to bother about saving you from your own idiocy yet again, so you can rot there for all eternity for all I care.
-Your Somewhat Annoyed Overseer
Dear Overseer;
I'M KING OF THE WOOOORRRRRLD!!!!!
Sincerely;
Urist McBuilder, standing atop a wall.
Post by: Tarran on February 02, 2012, 10:40:04 am
Please stop dying of dehydration when there's at least 40 units of booze freshly made. It is incredibly annoying and does not accomplish anything. Yes yes, I know hauling is fun, but don't you think staying alive is more important?
Post by: wierd on February 02, 2012, 01:07:49 pm
Post by: Deus Machina on February 02, 2012, 05:47:25 pm
I do apologize for taken so long in fulfilling your demand, but gem windows in dining rooms are kind of low on my list of priorities when I'm trying to budget a single hematite vein and sending the military to go kill a cyclops.
But it's finished now, set up so you can stare through it as you sit in your dining room.
Which is in the very heart of the mountain.
Enjoy the view of dacite.
Idiot.
Post by: krenshala on February 02, 2012, 05:51:34 pm
Dear dwarves of my fortress:When I had this happen they seemed to wait for the 1st of the month, then all ran to grab whatever barrels were available. Its like they were waiting for payday to get hammered at the bar or something.
Please stop dying of dehydration when there's at least 40 units of booze freshly made. It is incredibly annoying and does not accomplish anything. Yes yes, I know hauling is fun, but don't you think staying alive is more important?
Post by: AyeAgree on February 02, 2012, 05:54:51 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.
Post by: Vehudur on February 02, 2012, 07:57:00 pm
Dear Urist Mc Forummod, god damn I just finished making THIS when the porn threads were deleted.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.
Dear Urist McAyAgree and others:
I know you've never seen a breast before in your life, but that's no excuse for posting in and bumping the hell out of, a spam thread. It only encourages the spam.
Sencerely,
A very annoyed dwarven king.
Post by: Reudh on February 02, 2012, 08:02:42 pm
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on February 02, 2012, 08:45:36 pm
While I know my fellow Avatars of Armok usually take the piss out of you in this thread, I'd just like to thank all of you for working the past four months of my startup fort, and doing your absolute damnedest to keep up with my unreasonable demands and undwarvenly strict work schedule, putting up with long hours and low rations so that Helmsbridge could be set up as a nice, cozy, well-defended outpost. Especially you, Chief Miner Adil Swordsoars, you're a trooper. Four months and you've not once yet laid your head down to rest and you've only had time for one meal. You single-handedly excavated the entire Dormitories level and all the farm grid on your own while your assistant took a four-week nap.
Oh, and on examining the new migrant wave in Dwarf Therapist, I find that one of them has a decent skill rank of 3 in Appraisal, so there's a Broker for us and better prices when the caravan rolls 'round come winter.
However, I do have a few words of rebuke.
Masons. Yes, you guys. All SIX of you. I ask 100 squares of floor tile laid to form the better part of the ceiling for our entryway/trash heap. I ask this of you on Hematite 17, and it's now past Malachite and you're barely halfway done. Granted, four of you arrived a week after the assignment, and those same four needed to be told which way of a slab was 'down' by reason of having no Masonry experience, but that's still a month with six of you working on it, and there's still almost forty squares left to lay. What, you want I should just cancel the overlapping squares so it's supported by flimsy edge-on connections? Ruin the neatness of it? Actually, that sounds rather pragmatic. Saves stone, and just as secure. Thanks for the idea, guys.
Yours,
Almost-pissed-but-now-quite-pleased Overseer
In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.
Post by: Niccolo on February 02, 2012, 09:02:51 pm
In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.
Aaaaaaand here comes Urist McMurphy to beat you with his book of laws.
Post by: AyeAgree on February 02, 2012, 09:34:56 pm
Dear Urist Mc Forummod, god damn I just finished making THIS when the porn threads were deleted.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.
Dear Urist McAyAgree and others:
I know you've never seen a breast before in your life, but that's no excuse for posting in and bumping the hell out of, a spam thread. It only encourages the spam.
Sencerely,
A very annoyed dwarven king.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear guy,
seriously, grow a sense of humour, and try to remember I didn't actually bump the spam thread.
I just thought I'd share a friendly poke at the (slow) forum regulation.
sincerely,
Urist McBreastlover
Post by: Reudh on February 02, 2012, 09:40:06 pm
There's regulations for a reason.
Don't give us reason to understand your Escaped Lunatic status.
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on February 02, 2012, 09:58:01 pm
Another year continues to prove you wrong. The worst that happened in my non-LP fortress Boatmurdered (chose the name myself for irony's sake) was a single death, and that was because of a goblin ambush. The worst injury besides that was a missing third finger, left hand.In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.
Aaaaaaand here comes Urist McMurphy to beat you with his book of laws.
I think the low deathrate and stupidity count is aided by the fact that I set up underground farming and wells, then close off the fort from the outside world with a drawbridge, raise the drawbridge, and wall it off from the inside, all three as highest priority.
I'll be sure to post here if any unexpected !!FUN!! decides to occur.
Post by: Sus on February 03, 2012, 12:04:58 am
Aaaaaaand here comes Urist McMurphy to beat you with his book of laws.Urist McMurphy, Law Giver. That guy's right up there with Armok.
Above him, to be exact.
Post by: krenshala on February 03, 2012, 12:21:29 am
I know you're tired after shooting at that now unconscious turkey, breaking its upper and lower body, right lower leg, left lower leg, left wing, right knee, right false rib and pancreas, but did you really need to lay down out in the woods to sleep when you ran out of ammunition? I'm going to assume you were toying with it, since you are a high-master marksdwarf/archer.
If I'm lucky the elven ambush that failed to show up last year is going to make an appearance before you wake up ...
Sincerely,
The guy giving Iton Dedukrulush, expedition leader, instructions for you drunkards.
Post by: MasterMorality on February 03, 2012, 09:21:07 am
HOW HARD IS IT TO BUILD IN FRONT OF YOU AND NOT TRAP YOURSELF ON A SODDING LEDGE!?
Grievously,
The Overseer
Post by: Indricotherium on February 03, 2012, 09:32:10 am
To all builders,Dear Overseer Sir! Or Madam, whichever as it were,
HOW HARD IS IT TO BUILD IN FRONT OF YOU AND NOT TRAP YOURSELF ON A SODDING LEDGE!?
Grievously,
The Overseer
Iffin you'd just put up one o' them magic no stand here field thingies (designate a wall to be built where you don't want them to stand and then suspend it, after the walls are built, remove it with Q,X) then when we stumble over t' th' worksite arms all fulla rock and such we'll be sure t' keep ourselves where y' need us rather than where Mason Guild regs say we should be.
Post by: tivec on February 03, 2012, 09:34:24 am
If you are complaining about the lack of shells for your moody construction needs, this is just to remind you that we are in a desert and that there are no turtles available. Enjoy your last days in the crafting room.
Sincerely,
Your
Post by: imperium3 on February 03, 2012, 09:49:44 am
Yes, I am afraid that Queen Stukos is now mad. Suicidally depressed to be precise. And I know that, since the chief doctor declared her unfit to rule and all her heirs are in some other fort and apparently unable to take the throne, that means that you're now the leader of Tinfound, just like you were before she came along.
However, when the queen (now relegated to Planter) actually dies, she still has the right to be buried in the magnificently carved and decorated tomb that we built for her with much labour. Just because this happens to be better than your tomb, does not give you the right to keep tantruming and throwing things around. I would remind you that you don't have an heir either, despite my attempts to persuade you to socialise with a suitable mate, and if you snap as well then we'll lose the barony and be back to being led by a mayor. And nobody wants that.
And no, you don't get the queen's huge throne room and adamantine throne, either. That's for royalty. We'll be closing that throne room up against the day the monarchy returns to Tinfound.
Sincerely, The Management
Post by: Greiger on February 03, 2012, 10:35:10 am
You were ordered to dig out the last tile between the magma sea and the plumbing for the burial in magma military tombs. You've done similar things before and always escaped unharmed, I thanked your extremely high agility for that, and that's why you were always chosen for such tasks.
However your strength is quite low, and while I appreciate your diligence in your work, we already have enough gold. In places that are not going to be submerged in molten stone. In your flight to escape from the very slow moving tide of magma, you did not need to attempt to rescue that gold nugget. The added weight slowed you down to the unfortunate speed of "slower than the magma", and of course you know the rest.
In honor for your otherwise outstanding service you have been given a slab in your honor near the plumbing access you melted in. Sadly there was not enough recoverable to bury. But at least you are already in the tombs...sorta.
-The Administration
Post by: terkiey on February 03, 2012, 10:49:34 am
There are no socks in the death chamber, don't even look.
Post by: wierd on February 03, 2012, 12:45:09 pm
Post by: Jimmy T. Malice on February 03, 2012, 02:21:07 pm
I know you were a little disappointed by the goblin siege that got entirely caught on weapon traps, but 'Fire at Will' does not mean 'Fire upon dwarves collecting goblin equipment from corpses'. Stop that shit.
Post by: ledgekindred on February 03, 2012, 03:50:49 pm
I'm not entirely sure how you went down the pit with the goblins and ogres, but I apologise for however it happened.
Although... it was pretty funny watching you get thrown around by that captured Forgotten Beast with the deadly dust. The goblins too.
Ok, I lie. Ehehehehe... It was really funny watching the goblins and ogres getting chucked into the pit and tossed around like sacks of plump helmet spawn every time that beast decided to hork up a giant cloud of explosive gas. Funny enough that I think it was worth the tradeoff between a legendary miner and the lulz.
Bwahahaha... Even better is how his dust made you all fall asleep. Then you got thrown around while .. ehehehe .. while ... hahhahaha ... while sssssleeping hhahahahaha every time Mister Burpy made a stinky.
Aaahhhahaha... hoooooo... wahhahhahahaha!! oooooo... boy. Whoo. Man... Ok, yeah, totally worth it.
Yrs
Omnicient oversppfffffttttthahhahahhahahah bwaahahahahahahahaha! *snort* ahhhahahahahaha!
Post by: Elf Lover on February 03, 2012, 04:54:23 pm
I know your wife recently died during an elven ambush. I know your newborn son also died, as she was using him as body armour. That is no excuse, however, for pounding said ambush to a fine paste with your bare fists. That's why you have a silver warhammer, see?
Yours sincerely,
Armok.
Post by: Greiger on February 03, 2012, 05:18:59 pm
You complained about having a meeting in a poor environment according to your thoughts I noticed, so I decided to take a look to see what the problem was.
(http://tnypic.net/images/b8a30.png) (http://tnypic.net/)
I see that neither of you are actually IN your office. You are standing on a traction bench in the hospital, while the liaison is sitting in the chair in your dining room.
How are you two even communicating? Your request for engraving in your office has been denied. You don't even use the goddamn thing.
- The Administration
P.S. You are waking the hospital patients with your yelling. I don't think the liaison can hear you, and I don't think the patients were happy to hear that we haven't ordered any booze for next year. Walk into your damn room already.
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on February 03, 2012, 05:33:01 pm
Thank you for, despite my worst expectations, managing to wall off the entire lower Cavern layer without a single hitch. Seriously, having all you guys inside at the end of it all was a great bonus after a lot of hard work.
However, walling three GCS in with you was *not* a good move.
On the other hand, the four of you (with three levels of Fighting and two of Wrestler between the lot) managed to beat them to death in less than a week. Congrats. Boatmurdered has never been so strange.
Administration
Post by: wierd on February 03, 2012, 06:19:35 pm
The gcs need to be captured in cage traps, so that they can then be installed in the kitten operated silking room! Willful destruction of such an economically indispensable species is simply unacceptable!
(Basically, create a 2z drop shaft, with a single square packed full of adult cats right next to the exposedd opening, which is totally walled off.
Kittens fall the 2 z levels and are momentarily stunned as they are catsploded from their mothers and from dodging the other members of the feline menace's attacks on the tile above.
The gcs are installed on a supported floor surrounded by a 1 tile wide gap of empty space. The kitten chute drops the kittens directly next to the edge.
The gcs blows out gobs of web spray before feasting on the delicious kitten flesh.
Some of the webs fly over the gap, and into the collection area.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 04, 2012, 03:16:13 am
You came to our land, trampled two woodcutters, and have since milled around in a corner of our plot for the last five months.
Our doors are wide open. We've had dwarves come out to collect wood just on the other side of the valley and come back unharmed. All you've been doing is sitting around the fire and flipping any passing dwarves the cave swallow.
This is not a siege. This is just angry camping.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 04, 2012, 05:20:10 am
Dear humans of "The Blotted Union",
You came to our land, trampled two woodcutters, and have since milled around in a corner of our plot for the last five months.
Our doors are wide open. We've had dwarves come out to collect wood just on the other side of the valley and come back unharmed. All you've been doing is sitting around the fire and flipping any passing dwarves the cave swallow.
This is not a siege. This is just angry camping.
To: The local Dwarves
Don't you shortarses know a party when you see one? We're the Blotted Union for a reason; We get together somewhere and then, WE GET BLOTTED ON BOOZE!
Sincerely;
The Humans of the Blotted Union.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 04, 2012, 01:03:34 pm
At least we can largely ignore you, unlike the local elves. 'The Howl of Strangers' indeed.
Post by: Table Turning on February 04, 2012, 02:22:15 pm
When you spot someone suddenly spraying blood from all of their orifices in the dining room after breathing in FB fumes earlier, you should get the fuck away lest you want the same to happen to you.
Armok knows why I just wrote this letter to a bunch of corpses.
Post by: Iapetus on February 04, 2012, 03:44:37 pm
If you are dehydrated, you can go and get some of the booze I've made or bought.
Or you can go to bed, get up, plant some seeds (until I turn off your planting labour), haul some seeds to their stockpile, dump some items, and die.
The choice is yours, but if you choose the latter, can you explain to me why I should waste time and resources making a coffin for your worthless corpse?
(Iton Datanokir: I ask you the same question. And as you were a migrant animal caretaker, "I was an indispensible member of the fortress" isn't an acceptible answer).
Post by: krenshala on February 04, 2012, 05:25:55 pm
Oh, and I applaud your choice of the human adventurer for the first engraving. I'm tempted to move the two statues of that same human from the mayors dinning room to his office to reinforce the effect. Now if only we had a statue of dwarves exporting rings with which to annoy the new mayor ...
Oh yeah, do you happen to know why you make statues of the expedition leader surrounded by the oysters he detests so much? I know you guys are friends, but isn't that a bit much?
Post by: Sus on February 05, 2012, 02:20:12 am
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator,But they might be Fire Snakes in disguise, or vampires! <|:-S
I know you were a little disappointed by the goblin siege that got entirely caught on weapon traps, but 'Fire at Will' does not mean 'Fire upon dwarves collecting goblin equipment from corpses'. Stop that shit.
And yeah, those humans are some happy campers. The thing to do is prob'ly just wait until a caravan comes and gives them a trashing, or start some bizarrely complex project to replace their campifire with some liquid !!Fun!!...
Also,
Dear Urist McCrankypants: That bridge was the only way into the fortress, you moron! Now that you destroyed it, the caravan has no way to our indoor trade depot, and that means no booze for anyone. Happy now?
<Urist McCrankypants cancels listen to reason: throwign tantrum.
Rough mudstone Bridge destroyed by Urist McCrankypants.
Urist McCrankypants has died after colliding with an obstacle.>
Oh well, natural selection in action I guess... *shrug* ::)
To: hauler/lumberjack/farmer whatshisname
CC: Every Armok-damned moodsy Drof in this Fortress
RE: Strange moods
Hey fellas,
While I certainly appreciate creative imagination, you know what I appreciate even more?
Useful artifacts. This does not include the Acacia cup you used most of the year to make, messing up the craf shop's production orders in the process. Especially since said cup is menacing with so many spikes of acacia and dog leather (wait, what? leather spikes?) that it's practically impossible to take a sip without cutting most of your face open. Not to mention the image of goblins laughing at the downfall of a Dwarven civilization; Armok knows things are looking plenty grim even without this kind of defeatist propaganda.
As for you bowyer guys, what could possibly influence you to make a sheep bone or willow bow? Nobody in the fort even knows how to use such an elfin weapon, let alone make any ammo for it. We're dwarves; we use crossbows. There's a difference.
- Your Somewhat Exasperated Overseer
Post by: Nan on February 05, 2012, 06:24:35 am
When I ordered you to open up the cistern from below, I intended you to move to the access ramp you used to get under the cistern, and then climb out of the water. You have the dubious distinction of being the first dwarf who has ever succeeded in drowning while sitting on a perfectly serviceable ramp. For 20 seconds. Just sitting there drowning. You didn't have to do that. You could have just climbed out. The dry land was one tile away, up the ramp. That you were sitting on.
I'm sorry you never became a legendary miner, but look on the bright side, you have posthumously become a legendary dumbass. Congratulations Soren, you are the first legendary dumbass I've ever had. Because I'm seen dwarves do plenty of dumb things, but in order for a dwarf to qualify as legendary they need to surpass the mundane every day level of dumbassery which any dwarf can do. So dodging into a murky pool and drowning in it because it has no ramps - that would be everyday dumbassery, any dwarf can do that. But drowning in a pool, while sitting on the bloody ramp which leads to freedom - and not because it took you so long to swim to the ramp, but because you swam to the ramp then sat under the water contemplating life until it ran out - THAT is legendary dumbassery.
Yours exasperatedly,
The Overseer.
PS. Don't think you're getting a burial or slab. I want you to come back as a ghost so the other dwarf's can laugh at you for your stupidity.
Post by: MasterMorality on February 05, 2012, 07:43:52 am
Post by: SkillageFTW on February 05, 2012, 01:23:08 pm
Instead of working, I have noticed that you have been trying to bathe... in the rain. You've gotten frustrated that you can't take a full bath in one droplet of rain, and yet you and your friends keep trying. Please just get back to work and deal with it.
-The Overseer
Post by: Kavalion on February 05, 2012, 03:25:59 pm
There are 200 units of booze, but because you lightweights like to nurse your drinks, about a dozen dorfs have died of thirst while waiting for a barrel to become unoccupied. Rather than bury them, it seems fitting to let them haunt you. Enjoy your bad thoughts and poltergeists.
Sincerely,
Armok
Post by: Niccolo on February 05, 2012, 07:27:18 pm
This is a glacier. This means it's cold. This also means that if you dig into an aquifer, you should not immediately jump into the hole.
Thanks to your stupidity, I now have to hunt down a new miner. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Swordhearth
Post by: Awessum Possum on February 06, 2012, 01:22:18 pm
Running away from mace goblins, on the other side of the magma moat, instead of shooting them with your siege weapons is stupid, you are stupid. You deserve to die you miserable cowards.
With lots of love,
Your dark overlord.
Post by: Loud Whispers on February 06, 2012, 04:16:04 pm
Dear Dorfs,But me eyes! Me eyes say the goblins can swim!
Running away from mace goblins, on the other side of the magma moat, instead of shooting them with your siege weapons is stupid, you are stupid. You deserve to die you miserable cowards.
With lots of love,
Your dark overlord.
Post by: Greiger on February 06, 2012, 10:08:52 pm
You were supposed to remind me to take you out of my work computer's USB slot. Now what am I going to do to entertain myself til tomorrow? Play Skyrim?
The Administration
Post by: wierd on February 06, 2012, 10:21:34 pm
Post by: Grendus on February 06, 2012, 10:33:48 pm
I get it, you're finding a lot of damp stone. There's a reason for this, if you may recall the floor above you temporarily flooded when the lakes you were digging through suddenly thawed for spring. You are not about to dig into an aquifer, nor are you suddenly going to tap the river. Please, quit your whining!
Post by: Sus on February 07, 2012, 12:14:17 am
If the goblin siege ambushes you just outside my front gate, it's generally more advisable to run towards the fort entrance rather than away from it; That way, I'll be able to effectively protect you and as a bonus, it draws the invaders to my specially designed Hallway of Pointy Death. I sure as HFS am not going to send my squads to their deaths just to rescue your stupid ass (or horse, or hammerdwarf, or yourself) from all the way across the map. >:(
-'Sus' Bridgedpits, Turtle Mode Fort Overseer
..Oh well. They left all their goodies behind, and the outpost liaison survived. Not a bad outcome, all things considered. :3
Post by: JDRingo on February 07, 2012, 12:40:10 am
Post by: Vehudur on February 07, 2012, 12:52:16 pm
Please, stop idling in an unsecured part of hell. Seriously. There are no trees down there. You're just being really stupid. When a demon inevitably strolls along and ridiculously murders you, we will not even attempt to retrieve your body.
Sincerely, your annoyed overseer.
Post by: Chipperbane on February 07, 2012, 02:58:31 pm
When you find yourself in the middle of a goblin pikeman ambush, and you are able to gain distance, don't try to juke around and crap. If you are faster than them, run in a straight line. Don't try fancy diagonals or hiding behind trees. If you are able to gain distance, run home. Don't run into the shell of the Microcline Mansion that is currently under construction and has a 3 tile-wide section of unfinished wall. Because that entrance is the only exit.
I thank Armok that you have no friends, no children, and no lover. You're a non-entity. You will not be missed.
I have sent Rovod to clean up after you. He's already tearing into the ambush squad.
Truly,
Your Benevolent Overseer
Post by: Urist_McArathos on February 07, 2012, 06:31:43 pm
Please report to the hospital for your new crutch. I'm really, really sorry about that lost foot. I was positive that all the prisoners had been stripped of their weapons prior to being unleashed in the training room, but apparently that scimitar-wielding goblin got past me. Good job on not passing out or anything elfy like that, but fighting on until he was dead. It set a good example for your squadmates.
Sincerely, Your Embarrassed Overseer.
PS: You're rather pale; get something to eat.
Post by: wierd on February 07, 2012, 07:41:09 pm
Please stop mandating the construction of armor stands. You have 73 of them in your quarters now. You couldn't possibly use them all, considering there aren't that many suits of armor in the whole fortress.
Further mandates for these things will result in your becoming trapped in you quarters by their addition. No, you will not just get a bigger room. You will become trapped, because I refuse to remodel an entire level of the fortress to accommodate your fettishistic hoarding.
Stop mandating the construction of armor stands. You have been warned.
Candidly yours,
Avatar of Armok.
Post by: Chipperbane on February 08, 2012, 01:01:14 am
I'm sure you're tickled with the artifact crutch you just made, but did you REALLY need to name it Sigun Asmellurit?
How conceited can you be?!
Flabbergasted-ly yours,
God
Post by: Wannazzaki on February 08, 2012, 01:04:44 am
Dear Sigun Asmellurit,
I'm sure your tickled with the artifact crutch you just made, but did you REALLY need to name it Sigun Asmellurit?
How conceited can you be?!
Flabbergasted-ly yours,
God
That is one for the record books to be sure.
Post by: Reudh on February 08, 2012, 04:33:07 am
It made for very odd engravings.
This is a superior engraving by Urist McEngraver. On the image is Meng Oarsounded the dwarf and Meng Oarsounded the adamantine chain leggings. Meng Oarsounded is raising Meng Oarsounded.
Post by: OldPrussia on February 08, 2012, 05:11:28 am
I know you came to my fort to make a name for yourself. To become somebody, to be the BEST! But how in your long life have you fail to become anything more than just a novice Wood-Burner. I mean come on man give me something to work with.
Lovingly yours
A Friend
Post by: uwaiawu on February 08, 2012, 07:00:14 am
Dear miners,
I get it, you're finding a lot of damp stone. There's a reason for this, if you may recall the floor above you temporarily flooded when the lakes you were digging through suddenly thawed for spring. You are not about to dig into an aquifer, nor are you suddenly going to tap the river. Please, quit your whining!
Go into data/init/announcements.txt
Search for
Code: [Select]
[DIG_CANCEL_WARM:A_D:D_D:P:R]
[DIG_CANCEL_DAMP:A_D:D_D:P:R]and remove the last two letters in both of these lines (P and R respectively)Your dorfs will still cancel the designation, but the game won't pause and neither will it zoom to the cancelled designation. Makes digging under a lake so much more comfortable.
Post by: The Merchant Of Menace on February 08, 2012, 07:04:08 am
If you don't hurry up and build that bridge, you'll be the first one to test out how well it lowers.
Regards, Overseer Yuuko.
Post by: Sus on February 08, 2012, 07:35:32 am
Dear Urist McNewGuyNo, no, no!
I know you came to my fort to make a name for yourself. To become somebody, to be the BEST! But how in your long life have you fail to become anything more than just a novice Wood-Burner. I mean come on man give me something to work with.
Lovingly yours
A Friend
"Dear Mountainhomes,
Give me your peasants, your novice soap makers,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming halls.
Send these, the fish dissectors, the clerks to me,
I'll tell them to shut up, dorf up and start hauling rocks!"
- 'Sus' Plagiatedarts, "the New Masterwork Statue of a Bronze Colossus"
Post by: Lagslayer on February 08, 2012, 08:41:46 am
Boatmurdered, F*CK YEAH!Dear Urist McNewGuyNo, no, no!
I know you came to my fort to make a name for yourself. To become somebody, to be the BEST! But how in your long life have you fail to become anything more than just a novice Wood-Burner. I mean come on man give me something to work with.
Lovingly yours
A Friend
"Dear Mountainhomes,
Give me your peasants, your novice soap makers,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming halls.
Send these, the fish dissectors, the clerks to me,
I'll tell them to shut up, dorf up and start hauling rocks!"
- 'Sus' Plagiatedarts, "the New Masterwork Statue of a Bronze Colossus"
Post by: OldPrussia on February 08, 2012, 05:34:03 pm
In an attempt to make you a man I threw you into our mighty military, now perhaps your death in your first assignment could have been avoided if I trained you in danger rooms, but I didn't. Your consolation prize is a majestic tomb overlooking the river where the crocodiles ate you alive.
Lovingly Yours,
A slightly regretful Friend.
Post by: LARD on February 08, 2012, 06:54:10 pm
When you are outside and Goblin Christmas comes, run toward the trap lined corridor into the fortress. This will have the dual effect of getting the Goblins caught in cages and, if you are intelligent and don't go running back to grab a sock, it might save your life as well.
Signed,
LARD
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 08, 2012, 07:53:44 pm
Dear UristMcStupidWoodcutter
Please, stop idling in an unsecured part of hell. Seriously. There are no trees down there. You're just being really stupid. When a demon inevitably strolls along and ridiculously murders you, we will not even attempt to retrieve your body.
Sincerely, your annoyed overseer.
Dear; Annoyed Overseer
I'm trying to pick out a site for my future home. Give me a minute!
Sincerely; Urist McWoodcutter
Post by: Samuel on February 08, 2012, 10:34:57 pm
Congratulations on the completion of your artifact! Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about this piece. The art critic in me finds it a bold, post-modernist statement on the exhaustion of all potential in the art world, and loves it's bold questioning of what truly constitutes art and the canvases that can be used to create it.
The realist in me, however, just sees it as a mechanism made of a single piece of gabbro. You could have at least thrown some gems on there. I suppose I can use it in a well or something, or maybe a lever in a noble's room, but I still feel kinda ripped off. I guess it beats a wooden cup or something.
Signed,
A Disappointed Overseer
PS: Enjoy making nothing but mechanisms for the rest of your life.
Post by: jaxler on February 08, 2012, 11:24:51 pm
I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.
Post by: Samuel on February 08, 2012, 11:59:04 pm
hello. urist mcengraver
I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.
Well, they are dwarves...
Post by: Splint on February 09, 2012, 12:20:45 am
hello. urist mcengraver
I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.
Well, they are dwarves...
And? They don't need to know what a horrible place the world is until they're at least 12. When they get conscripted. And then receive a ridiculous injury that cripples them for life. Like a broken toe.
Also:
Dear Urist McFishDisecctor,
What in the FUCK were you thinking coming to a fortress with no fishing industry? Did you lose a bet or something? I swear to god, if you don't make yourself useful prying shells off turtles we buy, I WILL draft your useless ass and MAKE you be useful as a bolt sponge.
-Signed, Splint
Overseer of Losthold
Post by: Keldane on February 09, 2012, 05:35:09 am
I can appreciate how the sudden death of 55 of your colleagues in a single massive cave-in might upset you. I can also understand wanting to throw something to let off some steam. I've done it myself, in fact.
I will ask you, however, to please refrain from throwing body parts that you're on your way to bury. While I am highly amused that the corpse piece landed neatly on top of the coffin it was intended for, the fact that you threw it meant that it was instantly forbidden. Had I not been watching at the time, it likely wouldn't have been buried at all, leaving the poor soul who it used to belong to to become a ghost, and frankly, I don't want to have to deal with any of them.
Sincerely,
That force what ordered the "collapse the support" lever pulled.
Post by: I am Leo on February 09, 2012, 09:18:19 am
You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.
Sincerely
The OVerseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 09, 2012, 10:31:01 am
Dear Urist McOnfire
You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.
Sincerely
The OVerseer
Urist McOnfire cancels: Reply
Urist McOnfire is going to the booze stockpile to get a drink
Post by: miauw62 on February 09, 2012, 01:08:00 pm
Dear Urist McOnfirethis made my day.
You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.
Sincerely
The Overseer
Post by: jaxler on February 09, 2012, 01:15:47 pm
please don't haul the clown corpse up the stairs. it's made of fire.
sincerely: Jaxler
Post by: muxecoid on February 09, 2012, 03:22:03 pm
Dear Urist McMason,QFT. Very aggravating when happens to me.
Thank you have having the intelligence to ALWAYS contruct and remove walls/floors in such a way that either traps you, or causes you to fall 10 z-levels to your death.
Signed,
Me
Post by: grimman007 on February 10, 2012, 08:48:41 pm
Dear zeitgiest of drillmines,
Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:
A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.
You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.
Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.
Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.
Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines
Your highness,
Actually, that lever controls the magma floodgates that will allow us to power our magma glass furnaces. Also everything else that runs on magma.
So kindly pull it, before the latest moody dwarf goes berserk for lack of precious metals. 'Cause if he does, we're putting him in your room while you sleep.
Sincerely,
The Peasants of Drillmines
Post by: Alternatecash on February 10, 2012, 10:15:54 pm
...Yes. Yes, that's exactly it.Dear zeitgiest of drillmines,
Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:
A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.
You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.
Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.
Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.
Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines
Your highness,
Actually, that lever controls the magma floodgates that will allow us to power our magma glass furnaces. Also everything else that runs on magma.
So kindly pull it, before the latest moody dwarf goes berserk for lack of precious metals. 'Cause if he does, we're putting him in your room while you sleep.
Sincerely,
The Peasants of Drillmines
Post by: Sus on February 11, 2012, 05:58:42 am
dear Urist mcpesant:
please don't haul the clown corpse up the stairs. it's made of fire.
sincerely: Jaxler
I will ask you, however, to please refrain from throwing body parts that you're on your way to bury. While I am highly amused that the corpse piece landed neatly on top of the coffin it was intended for, the fact that you threw it meant that it was instantly forbidden.
Sus cancels Read forums: Laughing His A██ Off. :D
Post by: Clover Magic on February 11, 2012, 06:27:59 am
When there is exactly one tile that is going to fall in a controlled cave-in, please refrain from causing that cave-in from directly underneath that very tile. I had to savescum because of you and all your friends, tantrum spirals aren't as Fun with only 20 instead of 200. That and a tantrum spiral death before the fort is even in its second year is just lame.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Rainecho
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 11, 2012, 08:41:17 am
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen! Yet somehow it keeps happening on a semi-regular basis with an average of one or two of you dying or crippling yourselves every two-to-three days. If there wasn't some 250-odd dwarves sitting around doing nothing that can act as replacements, I'd be concerned.
Sincerely;
Your confused overseer.
Post by: Garath on February 11, 2012, 10:31:35 am
A fey mood, you made me so happy. But a lead short sword. Really, what were you thinking. Now, with your newly acquired legendary skill, please make some usefull weapons too.
Yours gratefully,
The Overseer
Post by: kisame12794 on February 11, 2012, 01:19:16 pm
There is a seige outside. Go kill it. Don't just sit there and drink. You can drink AFTER all of the goblins are dead.
Your's truly
Overseer
Post by: jaxler on February 11, 2012, 01:20:54 pm
doe rabbits can't kill you so don't jump into the moat whenever you see one.
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on February 11, 2012, 06:25:16 pm
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 11, 2012, 08:02:42 pm
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion
Post by: Greiger on February 11, 2012, 08:07:15 pm
Please stop attempting to stockpile those dead animalmen, the military isn't done making them stop moving yet.
The administration.
Post by: Niccolo on February 11, 2012, 08:23:56 pm
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion
Hey, don't worry. I had a legendary miner who made the sky cave in on him.
Post by: Clover Magic on February 11, 2012, 08:34:26 pm
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion
I have this happen so often I refuse to channel in anything but 1-tile strips.
What happens is that the
Of course, I'm assuming this is the cause, as that's always what's happened when I have stupid channeling cave-ins. Could be wrong though.
Post by: Vehudur on February 11, 2012, 08:40:37 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear UristMcWidow
I know your husband was just killed by a cave-in of water, somehow, but that's no reason to throw a chair at one of our axe-lords. Now he's angry and appears to be coming after you. You may not get a chance to read this before your blood is painting the walls, but if you do, know that this is entirely your fault.
Sincerely,
your thoroughly entertained overseer.
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on February 12, 2012, 04:15:20 am
What happens is that theStrange. I never had any "mini-cavein". Always (at least for me) dorf that dig under his feet lands unharmed and stunned for a while and thats it.idiotsloveable dorfs channel out every tile but the one they're standing on, leaving them on a little island. They either then sit there with their thumbs up their asses or decide to be proactive, and by that I mean channeling out the rock under their feet. Sometimes they're lucky and just take a little roll. Other times, this causes a mini-cave-in and a dwarf that essentially committed suicide by digging himself a hole.
Of course, I assume that there is 2 z-level of solid ground and only 1-z level of channel designantion on upper z-level, also one-width tile of 2-z solid ground surrounding hole being digged. No trees.
This cannot went wrong, how you manage to mess it up I have no idea.
Post by: Sus on February 12, 2012, 08:34:17 am
I know everybody enjoys a good fist fight every now and then. However, I would posit that picking a fight with the Sheriff/Militia Captain and his +iron battle axe+ may not have been a winning move. In fact, it seems to have been a fast track to a closed-casket funeral.
Idiot.
P.S. Sheriff Dredd, you are familiar with the concept of non-lethal measures, yes? Might consider employing them one of these days.
-mgmt.
(On second thought, nicknaming my Sheriff "Dredd" may not have been the best idea... :/ )
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 12, 2012, 09:12:24 am
Dear UristMcPeon,
I know everybody enjoys a good fist fight every now and then. However, I would posit that picking a fight with the Sheriff/Militia Captain and his +iron battle axe+ may not have been a winning move. In fact, it seems to have been a fast track to a closed-casket funeral.
Idiot.
P.S. Sheriff Dredd, you are familiar with the concept of non-lethal measures, yes? Might consider employing them one of these days.
-mgmt.
(On second thought, nicknaming my Sheriff "Dredd" may not have been the best idea... :/ )
Dear Urist McManagement
I AHM DE LAUH!
Sincerely;
Sheriff Dredd.
Post by: Nyxalinth on February 12, 2012, 11:42:19 am
You guys are doing quite well! You drove off the invading elves that showed before we could finish setting up traps. Mind, you went from 34 kobolds to 13, losing one to insanity as well, but the elves fled with only three casualties, one being their leader and also, their giant war leopard who was titled and everything.
You all recovered from the brief tantrum spate, and cleaned the place up, buried your dead, and acting like nothing had happened. Two migrant waves have set things almost back to rights. I'm impressed.
Dear Mrs. Legendary Fisherbold,
You've had nothing but crap thrown at you since you arrived. A tiger bit off your hand (a fight you started, might I add, but you drove it off). Your Legendary Fisherbold hubby died in the aforementioned ambush, and you lost your baby. Yet you don't let it get you down, which is why when I saw your fighting skills, I made you Warband Marshall as soon as you finally got checked out in the hospital (sorry about the delay in that). Now you're drilling the other kobolds in the arts of war, and, I imagine, bopping them one with your stump when they do it wrong. I know you won't disappoint me when the foul tree lovers return.
Dear Witch Doctor,
Excellent work patching up the wounded! You didn't even have medical skills; I chose you for being energetic and having empathy.
I have no illusions about the eventual fate of this camp, but you guys are awesome while it lasts.
Love,
Your very impressed avatar of kleegreebis
Post by: Garath on February 12, 2012, 11:58:44 am
Did you notice the mandril chewing on the pack animal? nooo, you were too busy chasing it's cousins all over the map. And the other traders didn't want to trade untill everyone had arrived. Only when the poor Yak died did the man you were supposed to guard join in the discussions, without any goods though. The trading is finished and things are being packed. Are you going to join the rest of them on their way back or do you prefer chasing monkeys? I hope this letter reaches you before everyone has left.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 13, 2012, 01:46:16 am
While I appreciate you manning up and being the only dorf brave enough to step in and engrave the mayor's apartments while he was in the next room throwing furniture about from being 'forced to live in those conditions,' I feel like it may have been in bad taste to line them with masterfully created images of the previous mayors losing their office.
Actually, you know what? To hell with taste. Every politician should have an employee like you. You're getting new furniture.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 13, 2012, 11:54:19 am
Don't give me that "-but he is extraordinarily weak" so needs more exercise excuse. You don't need to take care of an entire ambush by yourself. You are also "basically unbreakable and extremely agile," not to mention your steel high boots, greaves, gauntlets, mail, and helm. Over an iron cap. With a hood on top of it.
You also have artifact iron chain leggings, and the fortress' only masterwork iron axe, in the hands of a grand master axedorf.
Aside from that, you have a disconcerting cackle, and "don't really care about anything anymore" aside from you "revelled in slaughter."
The greenies even took a few seasons off after last time, because of you sending that frightening laughter and various limbs bouncing off the canyon walls last season.
Seriously, you're freaking the rest of the squad out. You're a commander. Hang back for five minutes and command, so our dabbling speardorfs can rise above the rank of 1st Class Crossbow Fodder.
Post by: Splint on February 13, 2012, 12:25:51 pm
Mind, you went from 34 kobolds to 13, losing one to insanity as well
Dear god is it a good thing kobold reproduce in large numbers in that mod...
Post by: Baron Baconeer on February 16, 2012, 09:52:31 am
You may have noticed the new construction effort in the east wing of our fort. Yes, the one where all the marble and the gold furniture goes. Guess what? It's your new house.
That's right, you're now officially the most important person in the fortress. Not only are you our best soldier, but you've also been eating all those children and novice-level farmers, rangers and fishery workers that have been clogging up the fort. Keep up the good work.
Addendum: If I, however, spot you seducing adolescent dwarves and sparkling, you will be appointed as a honorary member of the magma pool surf club.
Post by: Ascimator on February 16, 2012, 11:39:07 am
I wonder why would you tell me that you have lots of patience and then leave that 5x5 room unfinished to go grab a bite of these shitty meals I'm filling the stocks up with.
Post by: Loud Whispers on February 16, 2012, 11:42:05 am
Gtfo out of my stockpile,
Sincerely, overseer.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on February 16, 2012, 11:45:22 am
You are a vampire. I know this. You haven't been able to breathe for over a month and you can't take a nickname. You are a vampire, we are not falling for it, please go away.
Post by: jaxler on February 16, 2012, 04:44:46 pm
Dear MigrantMcVampire
You are a vampire. I know this. You haven't been able to breathe for over a month and you can't take a nickname. You are a vampire, we are not falling for it, please go away.
Vamps can't take a nickname. boy that helps
Post by: Eric Blank on February 16, 2012, 05:23:07 pm
Stop being miserable. It's your own damn fault you brought your families with you when you came here, and it's your own fault you didn't build a wall to keep taht titan out. Now your families are dead. Deal with it in a responsible manner and stop murdering each other.
Sincerely, ghost of your overseer.
Post by: Splint on February 16, 2012, 05:32:32 pm
Sincerely, ghost of your overseer.
Perhaps the fact you're haunting them with these mysterious letters is upsetting them.
Post by: Gigmaster on February 17, 2012, 12:42:43 am
It absolutely boggles me right out of my alchlamahol-soaked liver some days, seeing how impossibly dense you are. The fact that legendary miners (such as yourself) and legendary masons (such as yourself) can last as long as you have in your current line of work while exhibiting certain tendencies, is almost as surprising as the fact that a flock of random buzzards succeeded where a hideous forgotten beast of the nether-depths could not.
I specifically direct your attention to your previously-lauded spatial awareness. Any un-mined piece of goblinite could tell you that spatial awareness includes the ability to notice dangers within the space around you. Of immediate notice is the fact that you and your friends insist on cutting out drop holes from the inside of the ring, build yourself into tiny oubliettes and then patiently wait to die, build floodgates from the flood-side of the gate, and will happily channel the floor out from underneath you.
To be fair, I am not entirely certain that the last isn't simply an attempt to learn how to fly, so that you can counter the leathery swarms of meaningless carrion that startle our beloved marksdwarves into the swift and surprisingly lethal rapids that mark the center of our outpost. Though if that be the case, I reserve the right to open a whole new inquiry into your mandatory booze consumption levels and your overall mental health.
As a final note: if you cannot resist the urge to engage in such behavior, please make sure that your picks survive your predictable and anticipated demise(s). We need them more than we need you.
Sincerely,
Your Friendly Expedition Leader
Post by: Deus Machina on February 17, 2012, 05:35:45 am
I do want to thank you for dealing with the long patrol duty to take care of the last human siege.
I also see how losing your left lower arm, a toe, a tooth, and getting your nose broken might give you some bad thoughts, but I would think that didn't quite count as "sustaining minor injuries lately," as you claim.
Since you seem to look on the bright side, you do seem to have "had a nice bath recently," which other dwarves would have called "getting their stump rot cleaned."
The problem here is that your squad was recruited from the peasants and anyone basically useless that could figure out which end of an axe to hold, as 'field medics'-slash-'sock retrievers' so the useful citizens could stay indoors. And whereas that might have worked well a couple times, your optimism does not cross over.
You need to sheath that sword and use your good hand to start dragging people inside. I don't care if you are happy enough with just enough left arm to strap a shield to, Urist McLieutenantDan out in the field can't just 'walk it off'.
Post by: Ascimator on February 17, 2012, 05:44:46 am
I doubted your common sense was normal enough when you started punching that berserk cook I ordered you to kill as the militia commander instead of shooting him just because I figured it was clear enough for you if I didn't state the crossbow in your equip. Even if you decided to spare your ammo, why wouldn't you use that heavy thing in melee? Nevertheless, it passes now to your fellow Urist McRanger and you are getting your coffin.
Sincerely,
your disappointed overseer.
Post by: Sus on February 17, 2012, 07:35:11 am
I also see how losing your left lower arm, a toe, a tooth, and getting your nose broken might give you some bad thoughts, but I would think that didn't quite count as "sustaining minor injuries lately," as you claim.I had a miner a while back who had both hands, left lower arm and left ear torn off by an alligator. He was still "quite content", and apparently fully convinced he was still able to mine, as he kept spamming "Cancels pickup equipment: too injured" messages.
Since you seem to look on the bright side, you do seem to have "had a nice bath recently," which other dwarves would have called "getting their stump rot cleaned."
You need to sheath that sword and use your good hand to start dragging people inside. I don't care if you are happy enough with just enough left arm to strap a shield to, Urist McLieutenantDan out in the field can't just 'walk it off'.
Post by: Splint on February 17, 2012, 07:41:48 am
I also see how losing your left lower arm, a toe, a tooth, and getting your nose broken might give you some bad thoughts, but I would think that didn't quite count as "sustaining minor injuries lately," as you claim.I had a miner a while back who had both hands, left lower arm and left ear torn off by an alligator. He was still "quite content", and apparently fully convinced he was still able to mine, as he kept spamming "Cancels pickup equipment: too injured" messages.
Since you seem to look on the bright side, you do seem to have "had a nice bath recently," which other dwarves would have called "getting their stump rot cleaned."
You need to sheath that sword and use your good hand to start dragging people inside. I don't care if you are happy enough with just enough left arm to strap a shield to, Urist McLieutenantDan out in the field can't just 'walk it off'.
He intended to use his beard to manipulate the pick, obviously.
Post by: Olith McHuman on February 17, 2012, 07:42:51 am
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 17, 2012, 08:02:20 am
Dear Urist Mcundead;
STAY DOWN!
sssssssSSSOOOOOOOOCCCCKKKKSSSSSSSsssssss
Sincerely;
Urist McUndead
Post by: imperium3 on February 17, 2012, 08:21:29 am
Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
That is far more awesome than any method of weaponising vampires! Using them as a broker who actually shows up to trade! :D
Post by: jaxler on February 17, 2012, 08:23:32 am
Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
That is far more awesome than any method of weaponising vampires! Using them as a broker who actually shows up to trade! :D
so, what happens when he kills your 3 legendary workers and your legendary ax lord...
Post by: Deus Machina on February 17, 2012, 08:34:34 am
You do know you are the last dwarves in this machine before I download the new version. You also know we're generally wearing the bronze armor we've scrounged, with iron passable once we make some steel.
We have iron. We have charcoal. We have marble. We don't have dwarves willing to make pig iron or steel.
If the next siege or uninvited guest is anything like the last, they will come on the heels of the caravan, so I'm not closing the gates. We need that steel.
Get to it!
Post by: jaxler on February 17, 2012, 08:44:29 am
oh, no, you dump the occasional immigrant child into his room to feed him, then once traders turn up, put him in the trade depot opposite his room, (making sure all of the goods have arrived before him) then trade ASAP, once traded, burrow him into his room, then simply rinse and repeat.Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
That is far more awesome than any method of weaponising vampires! Using them as a broker who actually shows up to trade! :D
so, what happens when he kills your 3 legendary workers and your legendary ax lord...
that's cruel. armok bless your soul
Post by: imperium3 on February 17, 2012, 08:56:45 am
oh, no, you dump the occasional immigrant child into his room to feed him, then once traders turn up, put him in the trade depot opposite his room, (making sure all of the goods have arrived before him) then trade ASAP, once traded, burrow him into his room, then simply rinse and repeat.Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
That is far more awesome than any method of weaponising vampires! Using them as a broker who actually shows up to trade! :D
so, what happens when he kills your 3 legendary workers and your legendary ax lord...
that's cruel. armok bless your soul
I think the dead axedwarf problem will also be solvable as soon as someone figures out a way to turn the entire fortress (or at least the important dwarves) into vampires - they don't attack each other, do they?
Post by: MadocComadrin on February 17, 2012, 09:45:45 am
This is not a daycare. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: Dawnofdarkness on February 17, 2012, 11:14:57 am
Was it very clever of you to open the doors and let the 12 giant badgers in wehn our only form of defense was a 4 dwarf strong militia with on training gear......
Sincerely,
The man who can make your life HELL!!!!
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 17, 2012, 08:20:00 pm
Dear Urist McMigrants,
This is not a daycare. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Overseer
We're all left together in a large room for most of the year with nothing to do. What did you think would happen?
Sincerely
Urist Mc-
Urist McMigrant cancels reply: Participating in Dining Hall Orgy
Post by: WillowLuman on February 18, 2012, 02:08:52 am
Pay no attention to the voices in your head telling you to do things. There is no almighty yet incompetent force controlling you, causing you to die through mismanagement when viewing history shows you do a better job yourselves. Do not be alarmed. Continue about your business. Do not resist.
Sincerely,
Non-existent Overseer
Post by: MadocComadrin on February 18, 2012, 03:12:25 am
We're all left together in a large room for most of the year with nothing to do. What did you think would happen?Oh no, I don't mean you guys--I'll get to you constant procreators next.
Sincerely
Urist Mc-
Urist McMigrant cancels reply: Participating in Dining Hall Orgy
Menacingly,
Overseer.
Post by: Splint on February 18, 2012, 05:37:22 am
I know who you are. And now you are being drafted. The only reason you aren't being atomsmashed is because one of you was instrumental in actually saving a kid from snatchers.
You slip up again with your feeding in the Auxillia barracks,and I will not be so kind.
Sincerly,
You annoyed overseer.
Post by: racnor on February 18, 2012, 09:07:16 am
When I embarked to a savage biome with a dedicated hunter, I admit I didn't expect you to survive very long. Your life expectancy decreased even further when a giant badger came out of nowhere and mauled the mason's cat before we had a sealed base. It was very impressive when you bashed its head in with your crossbow, suffering only a broken middle finger.
Now, many years later, you are the lifeblood of my fort. Your kill list has over 200 entries, including plenty of goblins. The corpses of your prey fuel a vibrant crafting industry. When the great roc Lulo Strapfogs descended upon us with vengeful talons it was you who shot its wings off before it could land. You may soon be training the next generation of marksdwarves. You have turned our pitiful bolthole into a full fortress with every possible facility and luxury. Losing you now would be devastating. Following this train of thought, we now have a complete hospital and a very experienced doctor. FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK GET YOUR FINGER LOOKED AT!
Signed,
the overseer
Post by: Tiruin on February 18, 2012, 09:09:24 am
New Mandate (update), you can't use one bar to make every single weapon and armor now. Get to work with that quality!
Yours Truly,
Overseer Quali T.
Post by: imperium3 on February 18, 2012, 09:17:35 am
Those artifact crossbows are a mark of my respect for your skill, and Urist McWeaponsmith assures me that they are the most accurate ranged weapons in the fortress. However, they are very light (made of wood and/or adamantine) and precision instruments, so could you PLEASE STOP BEATING KOBOLDS OVER THE HEAD WITH THEM, it's not very effective. Okay, so Solon McMarksdwarf managed to kill one but that was only after it had been brought down by a passing hunter who actually knows how to use a crossbow.
Regards,
The Management.
Dear Desert,
Please stop raining. You're supposed to be a desert, why is it always raining!?? I keep losing dwarves to smears of extracts around the entrance, because of the rain. And we actually do need to go outside, so I can't just bring us all underground - cave adaptation is a bad thing.
Regards,
Akrulatol "Tinfound"
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 18, 2012, 09:34:23 am
Dear Elite Marksdwarves
Those artifact crossbows are a mark of my respect for your skill, and Urist McWeaponsmith assures me that they are the most accurate ranged weapons in the fortress. However, they are very light (made of wood and/or adamantine) and precision instruments, so could you PLEASE STOP BEATING KOBOLDS OVER THE HEAD WITH THEM, it's not very effective. Okay, so Solon McMarksdwarf managed to kill one but that was only after it had been brought down by a passing hunter who actually knows how to use a crossbow.
Regards,
The Management.
Give us some crossbows made of heavy metal then, Boss. No point wasting ammo on the little blighters when a good crack on the noggin' will suffice.
Post by: Shook on February 18, 2012, 09:48:56 am
Would you kindly stop shitting your pants over zombie limbs that won't ever be able to reach you in and out of this millenium? It's kind of impeding the whole fortress, and you are all to blame if/when it crumbles.
Yours truly,
Rather X-asperated overseer McShook
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on February 19, 2012, 06:42:36 pm
do NOT go through that cloud. Why you entered map from that side anyway?
I play Dwarf Fortress, not Husk Fortress, FFS.
Post by: jaxler on February 19, 2012, 09:14:47 pm
WHY ARE YOU ALL FUCKING FISH CLEANERS. THIS FORT IS IN A FUCKING DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
sincerely
overseer.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 19, 2012, 09:15:53 pm
dear migrants
WHY ARE YOU ALL FUCKING FISH CLEANERS. THIS FORT IS IN A FUCKING DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
sincerely
overseer.
We like a challenge.
Sincerely;
The Fishcleaners Guild, Local #12.
Post by: jaxler on February 19, 2012, 09:17:14 pm
dear migrants
WHY ARE YOU ALL FUCKING FISH CLEANERS. THIS FORT IS IN A FUCKING DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
sincerely
overseer.
We like a challenge.
Sincerely;
The Fishcleaners Guild, Local #12.
but why are half of you vampires?
Sincerely;
overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 19, 2012, 09:21:50 pm
but why are half of you vampires?
Sincerely;
overseer
See previous answer.
Sincerely;
The vampires hiding amongst the members of The Fishcleaners Guild, Local #12
Post by: jaxler on February 19, 2012, 09:24:05 pm
but why are half of you vampires?
Sincerely;
overseer
See previous answer.
Sincerely;
The vampires hiding amongst the members of The Fishcleaners Guild, Local #12
why do you all have no legs or arms?
Sincerely;
overseer
Post by: gunpowdertea on February 20, 2012, 02:48:29 am
Post by: Keldane on February 20, 2012, 03:01:45 am
We thank you for your future contributions to our great fort of Gorgearrows. Please do not expect to be excused from work simply because you are children - not after both your parents ran headlong into the cloud of Eerie Soot on their way in from the map edge, becoming paralyzed and numb before suffocating seconds later. We have excellent amenities which we think will help offset your feeling of (understandable) depression at the loss of your family; if you disagree, please feel free to throw a tantrum and we shall happily send you on your way.
Sincerely,
The Gorgearrows Overseer.
Post by: Vehudur on February 20, 2012, 03:29:58 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: sirquote on February 20, 2012, 05:14:08 am
WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT!!, JUST FUCKING FESS UP OR I'LL BLEED YOU ALL DRY.
HOW NONE OF YOU SEEM TO NOTICE SOMEONE BEING FED UPON AND MURDERED IN THE GREAT DINING CHAMBER IS FUCKING BEYOND ME.
IF I DON'T HAVE SOMEONE CONFESSING SOON I WILL LET THE FUCKING ALLIGATORS OUT OF THEIR CAGES.
Sincerely,
The Boss
Post by: malroth on February 20, 2012, 05:28:29 am
Signed Count Vlad Mcunrenameable Notavampireiswear von Ursit
Post by: imperium3 on February 20, 2012, 05:45:54 am
I have a lot of questions regarding our self-flooding moat that happens to be right above the stone storage area, and the mysterious hole in it that I swear wasn't there before.
Come to my office to explain as soon as you finish cleaning up the mess.
The Management
Dear Elite Marksdwarves,
Continuing your run of incompetence, in the latest goblin siege you managed to show up without any ammo. I wonder if Solon McHammerdwarf, who I assigned to train you in close combat skills, has been trying to recruit you to the melee squads, because you seem pretty keen.
The goblin bowmen demonstrated to you how important ranged support can be. Though how they managed to put a silver arrow through an adamantine breastplate...?
The Management
Post by: jamesadelong on February 20, 2012, 11:22:38 am
From: Mission Control
RE: Vampires
There are only two of you and a weasel and I'm pretty sure the weasel didn't kill anyone, he's in the pit.
To be honest? Urist McFarmer, you haven't been looking to well lately. Why don't you step inside the
Post by: Kogut on February 20, 2012, 01:23:11 pm
Spoiler'd because it's long.Hilarious, but reporting this bug may be quite useful (it will be fixed as new one) - http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/my_view_page.phpSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: grimman007 on February 20, 2012, 03:35:54 pm
Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.
Sincerely,
Your Overlord
Post by: jaxler on February 20, 2012, 03:39:17 pm
Dear Urist McLegendaryCarpenter,
Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.
Sincerely,
Your Overlord
well, maybe you could slow down the plump helmet production or get the stone crafter to make some pots.
Sincerely.
Urist McLegendaryCarpenter
Post by: sasf54 on February 20, 2012, 03:57:43 pm
I would like to congratulate on your the last season of your
The second squad who
Also, the fact, that somehow you were able to obtain 4 grimling bones for carving is astonishing.
Keep up the good work
The Management
Post by: werechicken on February 20, 2012, 04:51:13 pm
I appreciate that zombies are scary but if there is one zombie being beat to death (again) stop running away and falling prey to all the zombies in the surrounding land.
I've already lost dozens because of your pathetic cowardice despite the fact I gave very clear instructions to stay in your burrows and make coffins.
Post by: Vehudur on February 20, 2012, 04:53:07 pm
Spoiler'd because it's long.Hilarious, but reporting this bug may be quite useful (it will be fixed as new one) - http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/my_view_page.phpSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Well, to be fair, I've fudged up my raws so badly it's probably related to my screwing myself instead a true game bug. I will certainly report it if anyone else gets wrong-race migrants -untill then I'll put it off as horribly screwed up raws.
Post by: Crustypeanut on February 20, 2012, 04:53:27 pm
Please stop eating my migrants, its not good for publicity. If you keep this up, I'll have a hard time finding
Sincerely,
Sarvesh "The Butcher" DrivenTombs, Ph. Dwarf and Overlord of Peacefulmeadows - Where all of your dreams
Post by: Naryar on February 20, 2012, 04:54:55 pm
-Please come in there, we have plenty of meat.
Post by: MoonLightBird on February 20, 2012, 05:30:48 pm
Thank you for killing all those elfs for me. Now I have found a use for them. My military uses the really rotten corpses as the best weapon training tool ever found! In just 1 year I have a squad of ten legendary axe dwarfs, and a squad of legendary sword dwarfs. As a thank you for being our punching bags, we here at DonkeyTortrue have made a room with a chained puppy we made to feed you with. As you enter the room you will see a puppy. As you walk further in, floodgates surround you and magma floods your area. The floodgates protect the puppy, and he will be trained as a wardog and given your name.
Sincerely,
Leaders of DonkeyTorture.
Post by: Baron Baconeer on February 20, 2012, 06:02:02 pm
Your leg was ripped off by a were-camel. You went only faint and stood without any walking aid. You've punched three people, including a vampire, to death.
How do you manage to be this awesome?
Post by: Die Nacht on February 20, 2012, 06:18:11 pm
Dear Urist "Mythpuncher" Mcmayor-captain.
Your leg was ripped off by a were-camel. You went only faint and stood without any walking aid. You've punched three people, including a vampire, to death.
How do you manage to be this awesome?
lol!
Post by: Levi on February 20, 2012, 06:26:15 pm
I realize that it is generally frowned upon to give an injured bed-ridden dwarf alcohol. But surely alcohol would have been better for our dear injured Militia Commander than death by dehydration. Or baring that, maybe you could have put some snow into a bucket and just left it on his bed. He only had a broken ankle for Urist's sake!
Sincerely disappointed,
The Mayor
Post by: malroth on February 20, 2012, 09:06:48 pm
Snow Dunnae fit into buckets, maybe we should make a well.
Ursit Mc Doctor
Post by: gopa4 on February 20, 2012, 10:53:52 pm
I have at least 20 spare suits of armor, as much as I appreciate the Soviet Russia style of either an axe or a shield for you it is highly inefficient and I would greatly appreciate that you follow the customized armor designations I have for all of you.
Your annoyed and aggravated overlord.
PS. You would probably still be living if you had.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 21, 2012, 02:22:24 am
Dear Elven Merchants.
For the last -5- years I have slaughtered your trade caravans, stolen your crap, and impaled the skulls of your predecessors into rows of spikes outside my fortress. Grow a set of balls and fight back already you pack of whiny emo pussies. Slaughtering your population one caravan at a time is too slow. I want more elf-skull-spike decorations damnit.
- Cog McBonecarver
Dear Cog McBonecarver
Thank you for your services. We have sent you the most worthless members of our society, and are greatly entertained by tales of the quaint artwork you make from spikes and skulls. But we are bored, and now we will kill you. The old regime is over, we burned the forests to smith iron. Now a Unicorn-mounted, iron-clad elven army is on it's way. Hope your defenses are ready!
Sincerely, Cacame Awemedinade
Post by: Reudh on February 21, 2012, 02:47:48 am
Post by: WillowLuman on February 21, 2012, 02:57:57 am
By elf-army, he means belonging to him. They're all bloodthirsty human mercenaries and some elves brainwashed to think they are too.
Post by: Greiger on February 21, 2012, 09:13:07 am
We have plenty of fishermen already. Please send a weaponsmith.
To the honey badger,
The water buffalo's wounds are healing as fast as you inflict them. Please take a chill pill before I give water buffalo blood a contact syndrome that turns you into a goat.
The administration.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 21, 2012, 09:40:50 am
I know I started to say that I wish the fortress would fall so I could update to DF:VD, but you guys are amusing to watch.
Human siege? No problem. Forgotten beast with a thick carapace? Urist McClubsmith knocked it out of the shell. Three FB's with poisonous gas this year? You guys are apparently poison-proof, and the untrained and unarmored new guy hosted a recreation of Office Space on the last one.
Seriously, it's like the mere proximity of you imparts badassness on the newcomers. You guys are bearded little blenders. Input donkey cheese and mushroom-wine, output fury.
Now let's see how bad we can piss off the elves.
Dear nobles of Oiledreigned,
Mayor: Good job on outlawing the export of giant leopard leather items. The single giant leapord leather item in this fortres is an article of your clothing. You can keep it.
Count: We won't export aluminum items. Unfortunately, we can't make aluminum items. Because there is no aluminum in this fortress. Or anywhere. Ever. As far as I can tell, anyway. How can you even enjoy something that you have never known to actually exist? I imagine the ribs of the Plutonian dinnerbeast are delicious, but I don't very well go demanding it, because it does not exist.
If your predecessor hadn't demanded wood crossbows, which i gave to the guards, you would have been drowned by now.
Post by: jaxler on February 21, 2012, 10:30:44 am
Dear nobles of Oiledreigned,
Mayor: Good job on outlawing the export of giant leopard leather items. The single giant leapord leather item in this fortres is an article of your clothing. You can keep it.
Count: We won't export aluminum items. Unfortunately, we can't make aluminum items. Because there is no aluminum in this fortress. Or anywhere. Ever. As far as I can tell, anyway. How can you even enjoy something that you have never known to actually exist? I imagine the ribs of the Plutonian dinnerbeast are delicious, but I don't very well go demanding it, because it does not exist.
If your predecessor hadn't demanded wood crossbows, which i gave to the guards, you would have been drowned by now.
If you cant find aluminum here then go seize it from the Caravan over there!
Sincerely, the Count.
Post by: grimman007 on February 21, 2012, 11:15:03 am
Re: More BarrelsDear Urist McLegendaryCarpenter,
Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.
Sincerely,
Your Overlord
well, maybe you could slow down the plump helmet production or get the stone crafter to make some pots.
Sincerely.
Urist McLegendaryCarpenter
stfu, the stonecrafter is busy making useless crap and if I slow down the plump helmet production, you won't get anymore of those delicious masterwork plump helmet roasts you love so much.
Post by: Naryar on February 21, 2012, 04:53:20 pm
When an announcement is done of another undead siege, and when the higher-ups tell you to stay INSIDE the fortress burrow, you DO IT and LET THE LARGE SERRATED IRON DISCS do their work.
Not get out of the fortress at the exact same moment the zombies get in and get a lethal welcome.
Enjoy getting killed by your own idiocy.
Note to self : next time close the fortress doors.
-The Overseer
Post by: Die Nacht on February 21, 2012, 05:03:33 pm
Yeah, sure it was the calf.
Sincerely,
Are you F*cking serious?
Post by: Garath on February 21, 2012, 05:25:27 pm
All your colleagues drag those one or two stones blocking the area out of the way and finish the job. I've seen you do it before. Why not this time? I need that forge, mister!
sincerely,
The Caretaker
Post by: WillowLuman on February 21, 2012, 07:46:02 pm
I don't care that you are legendary dodgers and can do the matrix. Don't do it while fighting on heights. 8 of you fell off before one got that unicorn, and the it took a long time for the undertakers to find all the pieces.
Sincerely, The Overseer
PS and get your equipment BEFORE going into battle. It doesn't count if you remember to do it afterwards, then put it away again because the battle is already over. There's a reason we set up that magma smelter that cost 3 miners lives in the making
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 21, 2012, 10:21:12 pm
Dear Urist McWorkshopbuilder No.2,
All your colleagues drag those one or two stones blocking the area out of the way and finish the job. I've seen you do it before. Why not this time? I need that forge, mister!
sincerely,
The Caretaker
Section 3, Paragraph 4, Code 2 in the Mason Guild's handbook - No mason is to move stone when it has been earmarked by another mason for their own construction project or disposal. You clear the job the stone's gonna be used for, and I can shift it without trouble, boss.
Post by: WaffleEggnog on February 21, 2012, 10:34:30 pm
Your all mingling around with the food stockpile right beside you complaining of being hungry. I sence a solution to this problem.....
Your supreme dictator
Dear everyone,
I know your obsesed with running outside like complete derps during a seige and collecting shit, but you will die, and then i cant use you. Thanks.
Your supreme dictator
Post by: DrPoo on February 22, 2012, 09:55:42 am
Maybe you got taken by a fey mood, and maybe you have really horrible, nonexistant crafting skills. But you could have gotten your ass hauled to the workshop i buildt specially for you instead of hanging out with other dwarfs untill you got melancholic and started mindlessly flabbering around in my fortress.
Your mighty omnipotent overlord
Post by: Garath on February 22, 2012, 10:03:57 am
miners require masons workshops.
Sincerely,
Urist MCMiner2
Post by: Baron Baconeer on February 22, 2012, 10:45:01 am
You may have noticed the fact that unlike in other fortresses in our civilization, we do not tolerate vampires. However, due to the fact that you have not a single working bone in your body and you still continue to hunt trough the fortress, which can only be regarded as highly amusing, we're letting you 'live.'
Integral Helsing, your benevolent mayor.
Addendum: However, please stop collapsing into the beds of the people you're trying to feed on. The farmers do not enjoy the sight of a mutilated vampire lying in their beds after a day of hard work.
Post by: captain proof on February 22, 2012, 10:49:36 am
Even though the wiki says that you will not dump enemy corpses into pits, I really wish you would. There's too many Elf,Kobold, and Goblin corpses cluttering up the courtyard.
Sincerely
Your Runelord
Post by: UmbrageOfSnow on February 22, 2012, 07:42:11 pm
I know the zombie-cat is scary. And he isn't far from the central stairway. But that doesn't mean you have to drop everything whenever you hear a tiny croaking "meow" from 30 floors down. You can still haul the crops to the still, they're on the same floor damnit. Having to walk past the stairway is no excuse. Your brave, possibly vampiric, military are sacrificing themselves to keep the undead feline menace contained. Just take this opportunity to get the crops harvested. And maybe get those doors installed.
Frustratedly,
Your fearless leader.
Post by: Cobra Sting on February 22, 2012, 10:08:46 pm
If you're going to complain about long patrol duty, PLEASE stop complaining when I take you off duty for the month. Quit your bitching or I'll assign you to permanent patrol duty.
Sincerely, frustrated overlord.
Post by: Vehudur on February 22, 2012, 10:18:14 pm
Please stop complaining about the weather. This is a rainy tropical swamp. It's always raining.
If you don't stop complaining, you're going to get permanent patrol duty.
Sincerely,
your druid.
Post by: Splint on February 22, 2012, 10:19:03 pm
Dear Elven warriors,
Please stop complaining about the weather. This is a rainy tropical swamp. It's always raining.
If you don't stop complaining, you're going to get permanent patrol duty.
Sincerely,
your druid.
Your dwarfy elves intriuge me.
Post by: jamesadelong on February 22, 2012, 10:45:29 pm
Dear Militia,
If you're going to complain about long patrol duty, PLEASE stop complaining when I take you off duty for the month. Quit your bitching or I'll assign you to permanent patrol duty.
Sincerely, frustrated overlord.
I find a combination of patrol duty, guard stationing and then about two months of every year keeps them happy. Especially if theres a waterfall running through the guard station.
Post by: Vehudur on February 22, 2012, 10:54:18 pm
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
Post by: jaxler on February 22, 2012, 10:55:05 pm
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
try lava
sincerely,
armork
Post by: Vehudur on February 22, 2012, 11:02:57 pm
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
try lava
sincerely,
armork
Unfortunately, it's 200z down. The rooms for the pump stack are only half complete, and construction of the power supply has not yet begun.
Post by: kisame12794 on February 22, 2012, 11:08:46 pm
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
try lava
sincerely,
armork
Nope it's
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Yours truly
Necro
Post by: jaxler on February 22, 2012, 11:27:22 pm
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
try lava
sincerely,
armork
Nope it'sSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Yours truly
Necro
I wouldn't correct Armok if I where you. also try the Dwarven Water Reactor for all your power needs.
Armok
Post by: Loud Whispers on February 23, 2012, 12:07:35 am
I wouldn't correct Armok if I where you. also try the Dwarven Water Reactor for all your power needs.
Armok
Don't worry it was just Armork
Post by: jaxler on February 23, 2012, 12:13:48 am
I wouldn't correct Armok if I where you. also try the Dwarven Water Reactor for all your power needs.
Armok
Don't worry it was just Armork
ya sure?
Post by: Vehudur on February 23, 2012, 12:42:53 am
....
Dear ElfMcDrunk
Why can't you drink from the well like the rest of the elves? The alcohol is supposed to be for trade.
Sincerely,
An increasingly annoyed druid.
Post by: wierd on February 23, 2012, 12:51:33 am
Are you enjoying your new room? I left the roof open so you would get plenty of wholesome Sunlight, and left the floor bare earth, as I seem to recall your kind requiring that for long term survival. I'm sorry I had to temporarily give you the position of military captain in order to order you to the site where I walled you in. Yes, you did indeed get demoted immediately afterward.
The real reason I am writing you this letter, is to ask what exactly it was you were thinking when you sucked the blood out of Urist McFarmer as he slept in the *only* communal sleeping chamber while surrounded by witnesses. No sooner had you eaten him, than his body was found. You didn't even make a pitiful attempt at hiding the body. Even more curious, said dwarf was also your "friend". How can it be that you are still ecstatic after not only killing him visciously, and then watching as his body rotted as I waited for a coffin to be prepaired, all while being locked inside your ubliette?
Also, I noticed that you filled your backpack with prickleberries after being drafted, but let them go to waste after being placed in your new private suite. Is this a protest about the accomodations? I note that your pref strings say you hate oysters... would you prefer a shipment be dropped in through the skylight?
Remember, your complete and total comfort is my only concern. Afterall, being immortal, you will be spending a *very* long time in there. Would you enjoy the company of some kitties? It just doesn't seem right to leave you in there all by yourself...
*a concerned citizen of the Grim Casket-Keeper
Post by: Ascimator on February 23, 2012, 04:18:06 am
I'd love you to please kindly tell the force that possesses you that we have no ore other that magnetite and no clay, or I will certainly have to wall you in that forge you claimed so no one will be harmed physically or morally after the force will run out of patience.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 23, 2012, 04:22:45 am
Dear Urist McPossessed,
I'd love you to please kindly tell the force that possesses you that we have no ore other that magnetite and no clay, or I will certainly have to wall you in that forge you claimed so no one will be harmed physically or morally after the force will run out of patience.
Trade for what I need so I may craft the item that will bear me into this world
Sincerely;
Hggrahfgsfghsghsvffsawwfasshjyjj, The Unpronounceable (Currently inhabiting the body of one Urist McPossessed).
Post by: paraxite on February 23, 2012, 04:28:09 am
Why do you keep channeling yourself in the magma pump stockpile? Is it that hard to yourself out of the restricted area?
And when you're hungry and thirsty till death, I think that starting to learn masonry by building a floor is a good start.
Oh, that reminds me.
Dear Urist McMason
Please stop taking a break and build that god damn floor so that your dear miner friend can escape from his entrapment.
Post by: Ascimator on February 23, 2012, 04:39:04 am
Dear Unpronounceable,Dear Urist McPossessed,
I'd love you to please kindly tell the force that possesses you that we have no ore other that magnetite and no clay, or I will certainly have to wall you in that forge you claimed so no one will be harmed physically or morally after the force will run out of patience.
Trade for what I need so I may craft the item that will bear me into this world
Sincerely;
Hggrahfgsfghsghsvffsawwfasshjyjj, The Unpronounceable (Currently inhabiting the body of one Urist McPossessed).
Nevermind, I got you wrong. Lots of thanks for that iron short sword menacing with spikes of iron and granite and some battle image engraved on it. Sorry for underestimating you. Next time you visit though, try to teach him something.
Sincerely,
the satisfied Overseer
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf,
Good job sleeping while some cave monster slaughters your hunting dog and knocks everyone's teeth off.
Post by: Magma_science on February 23, 2012, 05:27:59 am
I can understand that you can't teach anything to my only weaponsmith - this is unfortunate but i got a lot of iron lying around so i'll get him to legendary manually.
While you could make better weapon, mace is fine - after all it's artifact.
But was it really necessary to name it "Hairy embrace"?
Post by: Splint on February 23, 2012, 05:53:23 am
Please refrain from doing lone dwarf glory charges. It gets both you and any hope of the fort suriving killed and you waste months of training.
Thank you.
Overseer.
Post by: Ascimator on February 23, 2012, 06:00:13 am
Next time you tantrum because the towering webbing pterodon slaughtered your friends use your artifact short sword I gave you to slay that beast. That would be fun at least.
Or just be happy that you are wielding the EFFING ARTIFACT.
Sincerely,
the overseer exhaustedly waiting for all of you to kill each other.
Post by: jamesadelong on February 23, 2012, 06:36:37 am
From: Mission Command
RE: Boxing
Yes, we get it. Your an amazing aim. QUIT CARPETING THE FLOOR WITH TEETH!
Post by: Ascimator on February 23, 2012, 06:43:02 am
Instead of making these pictures of some hill titan pay attention to the fact that the FB killed almost everyone and picture that.
Post by: h0lx on February 23, 2012, 08:21:27 am
Dear Ms Uristine McVampire,Why dont you just assign him to a random burrow?
-snip-
*a concerned citizen of the Grim Casket-Keeper
Vampires never leave burrows.
Post by: captain proof on February 23, 2012, 08:35:23 am
I killed you once, and buried you. Then I relocated all of the dead to a local crypt, and your corpse decides to disappear...without a trace. Please come back so I can Kill you again and get your murderous spirit away from the mess hall.
Sincerely, Kindrath Hold Vampire Management Squad
Post by: WillowLuman on February 23, 2012, 07:54:09 pm
I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.
-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer
PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 23, 2012, 08:04:01 pm
Dear Craftsdwarves
I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.
-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer
PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.
Dear Overseer;
We are most certainly not sharing a copy of PlayDwarf amongst ourselves.
We're hiding all our lewd imagry in the engravings covering every surface of the fort. Try not to look to closely in the background of the images of every important event of the fort.
Sincerely;
The Craftsdwarves
Post by: jaxler on February 23, 2012, 08:08:19 pm
Dear Craftsdwarves
I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.
-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer
PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.
Dear Overseer;
We are most certainly not sharing a copy of PlayDwarf amongst ourselves.
We're hiding all our lewd imagry in the engravings covering every surface of the fort. Try not to look to closely in the background of the images of every important event of the fort.
Sincerely;
The Craftsdwarves
hay, don't pin this on us!
Sincerely;
the engravers guild
Post by: Reudh on February 23, 2012, 08:12:45 pm
Mmm, hay. That is all.
Urist McHorse
Post by: cameron1124 on February 23, 2012, 09:22:37 pm
The horse did it! hes hiding the issues of playbook
sincerely,
Urist Mcanimaltrainer
Post by: jaxler on February 23, 2012, 09:28:51 pm
sincerely,
Engraver's Guild
Post by: Schizotek on February 23, 2012, 09:37:24 pm
Believe me when I say that I sympathize with you. When a horrible mangled Giant Mole corpse your hauling to the magma disposal pit suddenly comes alive and smacks you in the leg, bruising the skin, it can be rather horrifying. Regardless, do try not to dodge onto the mineshaft into the caverns. Your lucky all you suffered was numerous broken bones, and that we have a Master Bone Setter migrant. You should have been expecting an event such as this, as we live on a zombie infested glacier on the rim of an active volcano. Just because the gods of our civilazation are affiliated with happiness, peace, and mountains, doesnt mean the univerese will align around those qualities.
-Oversear of Sunspear, the Fortress of Light.
Post by: krenshala on February 23, 2012, 09:59:38 pm
... please stop throwing yourself over Fikod's Falls. I know the 11 z-level drop is fantastically beautiful, but just because the fisherdwarf for the starting seven thought he could cross where the water starts going over the falls doesn't mean you guys should try it as well.
Please note, I won't be giving any of you a slab either.
Sincerely,
your Disgruntled Fortress Manager that was hoping to get above 11 dwarves with the second migrant wave, but ended up with 10 after the new dwarves were done throwing themselves over the falls.
Post by: DungeonJerk on February 23, 2012, 10:59:53 pm
For Armok's sake, Quit acting like a little baby, stand on the god damn poking machine and let me bleed you so I can make all the other dwarves in the fortress just like you!. I promise you, you'll be fine.
Your stubbornness is costing me workers as the spirits of the angry damned grow more powerful.
And as for the rest of you Urists, get off your lazy ass's and fill that damned well I had dug out and quit giving me crap about it or I swear I will personally tear your beards off!.
signed: Overseer DungeonDwarf of Rackscars
Post by: Nyxalinth on February 23, 2012, 11:38:42 pm
Good dogs! Good dogs chasing off the werebison! I'm sorry three of you were lost to it, though. The rest of you? Milkbones and horse biscuits all around!
Love,
the overseeress
Post by: WillowLuman on February 24, 2012, 12:32:49 am
"This is Dolushzat, a bat leather thong. All craftsmanship is of the highest quality. It menaces with spikes of iron. On the item is an image of helmet snakes in bat leather. The helmet snakes are making a plaintive gesture."
I told you. Not. One. More. Thong.
PS: What the HELL is wrong with you? Why is there an image of a helmet snake!? Do I even want to know the answer!?
Post by: eataTREE on February 24, 2012, 03:12:17 am
Welcome to Southhomes! The security department was extremely excited to read your background check results, and would like to discuss certain details with you, such as your residency in thirty-seven other civilizations prior to your arrival here. This interview will take place in the Vampire Processing Booth. Please step inside and hold still, and a member of Human Resources will, er, take care of you shortly.
Respectfully yours,
Your Vampire-loathing Overseer.
Post by: Olith McHuman on February 24, 2012, 07:08:54 am
I'm sorry, but the position of broker-who-never-eats-sleeps-drinks-and-lives-in-an-airlock-behind-the-trade-depot is already taken. Perhaps the position of lookout/manager/bookkeeper who lives in a 1x1 cell with a chair behind a fortification and a window by a major hallway would interest you? If you wish to apply, just wall yourself in.
Good job! You're accepted!
Post by: Reudh on February 24, 2012, 07:29:41 am
I know I ordered you to dig the wall next to the gushing flow of water from the river, but after being knocked in for the FOURTH time, do you reckon you could maybe, i dunno, give up?
And also, to the residents of Fathdakost,
I have reason to believe at least one of the 67 of you is a vampire. Prepare yourself for inspection.
Sincerely, Overseer Reudh
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 24, 2012, 09:51:51 am
I was happily spending time with our soul mining dwarf trying to figure out a way to get around the aquifer, when I jumped back to the main fort area and discovered not only were there only two of you lot left out of nine, but you were being harrassed by your fellow dwarf's corpses. Please give me at least SOME notification bad things are happening so I can try to help. The front doors are lockable for a REASON.
Sincerely;
The Supreme Low Underdwarf.
Post by: captain proof on February 24, 2012, 09:53:58 am
Dear Craftsdwarves
I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.
-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer
PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.
FANG CHECK, I have noticed that Vamps are insanely happy...even if the fort is falling down around their ears.
Post by: slay_mithos on February 24, 2012, 02:40:04 pm
I know you are all happy to he here, and want to show off your talents and impress everyone, but when five of you make a stone crown, I start to doubt that you really wish for this place to get even better.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 24, 2012, 06:29:30 pm
When I told you that you weren't to hang out outside anymore due to the acrid slush falling from the sky, I MEANT it. Thank Armok it only causes nausea.
Dear Urist McMason,
I know the ice wolf corpses are scary due to the whole "not dead" thing, but BUILD THE WALLS! They aren't attacking, but if you don't put up those walls they might get ideas...I'm sending the militianaga.*
Dear Urist McHammerNaga*,
Kill those undead ice wolves. Er, re-kill them.
Don't go into the fortress, you have ice wolves to rek...oh, that's an ice wolf in the courtyard. Nevermind.
Dear Urists McEveryone,
Dump that ice wolf corpse in the moat before it tries to kill you all again, 'kay? It's sorta important.
Dear Urist McHammernaga,
Try not to die. I'd hate to have you attacking the fortress. And you'd better have a good reason for dropping your hammer (losing your hammer-arm's function counts).
Dear Urists McEveryone,
Report to the courtyard/moat/etc. We need everyone to help take these beasts down. And Urist McMiner, after discovering that your pick was capable of taking these things down, why...you PUNCHED it to death? Well, the pick would still be useful. Sorry about your teeth.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
*Kudos to NW_Kohaku
-----
Dear Urists McEveryone,
Good job. Let's see if we can get a fort set up before the next fiasco. But those ice wolf corpses seem to not want to kill you right now, so build the defenses, 'kay? It's only so long before they decide to attack or our yaks starve, you know.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
Post by: DungeonJerk on February 24, 2012, 07:50:40 pm
Please stop beating my workers to death and or ripping their limbs off. I know your angry at your untimely and painful demise's that I your overseer am callously responsible for, but, like then, I still will not care. Your tantrums from beyond the grave are doing nothing but making innocent bearded workers suffer, and setting my projects back.
But like you, they are replaceable. And I am immune to your antics. Now suffer in the icy hell I have created for you in silence like good little spirits.
Signed: Overseer DungeonDwarf of Rackscar's
Post by: Vehudur on February 24, 2012, 08:02:44 pm
Dear UristMcSiegers
You guys are pathetic. You're less dwarfy then my ELVES are.
You know that last siege? One of our recruits lost an arm and another lost a finger. That's all. Is that really all you've got? Our ten legendary sword elves got ten kills each.
On the bright side of things, you guys did re-paint the entrance to our fortress in red. Much thanks for that.
I will give credit where it's due, however. The recruit who lost his arm fainted due to pain on a weapon trap containing 10 masterwork adamantine serrated discs, so not all the blood is yours.
Sencerely,
your Elven enemies.
P.S. Your pieces also supplied enough meat for over two years. See you next year.
Post by: captain proof on February 24, 2012, 08:12:21 pm
Please stop poking fun at the Golems, they are here to serve and protect. If you continue to pester them I will sign all of you up for guard duty or I will hand you over to the Golem Forge to become one yourself
Sincerely, Runelord of Erithishlum
Post by: DungeonJerk on February 24, 2012, 08:54:44 pm
This is not a training session, I don't care if you have somehow through the infinite idiocy of the tempered schism of the cosmo's figured out how to become an elite Marksdwarf through this when I haven't even given you a bow!. Stand ON the spike, let me taint my damned well with your vampire essence and spread it to the other idiot Urists!
Signed: Overseer DungeonDwarf of Rackscar's
PS: Shape up or I'm gonna rig up something and drop you on the spikes!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 24, 2012, 10:04:40 pm
I know you need your rest. Can't it wait until after you re-re(-re? I lost track of how many times that corpse reanimated)-kill that ice wolf corpse? You're somehow managing to dodge while asleep, but try to wake up, please?
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
EDIT:
Dear Urist McMiner,
I know you want a meeting with the expedition leader, but there's a bit of a process we need to go through first:
1. Get water.
2. Use water to keep the expedition leader, who was wounded in the line of duty, from dying.
3. Cure her enough that she will have a meeting with you.
You are needed for step 1. Either summon some magma and dump it on the ice, or dig down like I asked.
I don't want this fortress to fall because of your sloth.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 24, 2012, 11:13:28 pm
I'm just sitting back and watching the show. Sorry about trying to make an undead moat right next to the entrance.
Post by: Lord Allagon on February 25, 2012, 11:09:33 am
I know you like your masterwork bed and the nice meeting hall. Now, you are the ONLY mason here. And we're flooding because of a miscalculation when digging the moat. Now, I ordered you to make a floodgate. IS IT REALLY THE MOMENT TO BE "ON BREAK"?!
Sincerely,
Management
Post by: Vehudur on February 25, 2012, 03:43:16 pm
10 fishermen to a barren, freezing desert?
What the hell were you thinking!?!?!?
Sincerely, your enraged overlord.
P.S. you lot get to draw sticks, because one of you unlucky bastards is going to get to scout out the third cavern layer for us. Death is nearly guaranteed.
Post by: Sus on February 26, 2012, 02:31:24 am
I know I wrote that one poem a while back about useless migrants.
It was, however, meant more as a sarcastic jab at migrants with useless skills and my approach to them than a serious invitation to send all of the world's worthless layabouts to my fort specifically.
Really, 80 "dabbling" farmers (with children) are enough. Please send somebody with a usefull skill for a change, preferably a miner.
Please?
Pretty please with sugar on top?
Your Humble Servant,
Sus, (despairing)
Post by: Vehudur on February 26, 2012, 02:51:44 am
Dear elves of Stonewalls of Armor:
I know that goblin hammerman on that ledge behind those fortifications is REALLY scary looking, but I promise, he can't get to you. Please stop spamming job cancelations already.
Sincerely, your irritated druid.
P.S. An archer squad is on its way.
...
Dear Forgotten Beast #87
Please take a ticket and wait in line. Your turn will be here shortly.
...
I have had TWELVE forgotten beasts show up this season.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 26, 2012, 11:39:57 am
That ice wolf corpse has re-reanimated two or three times now. Maybe you should stop idling and cleaning up vomit and toss it down the zombie disposal chute, and not NEXT to it, 'kay? Otherwise it'll reanimate and kill all of you.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. And hurry up.
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
It was awfully rude of you to die. What, did you vomit up your brain? And why didn't your death appear as an announcement?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Yaks,
It was probably pretty mean of me to stick you two down in that icy chamber, but there's no ice so I figured you were doomed anyways, so I'd put you in the ZCU ASAP. Thanks for killing the dead herbalist three times now.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urists McSurvivors,
Good luck. I'm going to have you fight the zeds, if you want to be topside so much. Except you, Urist McMiner. You stay underground and look for the caverns. Stop dropping your clothes everywhere.
Sincerely,
Yadda yadda yadda.
Dear Urists McBandOfRagtagMisfits (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RagtagBunchOfMisfits),
Good job beating up those ice wolf corpses. Dump them down the ZCU chute before they re-reanimate, okay? And Urist McDeceasedAxedwarf's corpse, too.
Sincerely, who cares about this part.
Dear Caverns,
Where are you? I've dug down 41 z-levels so far and haven't found anything. I'm kinda on a glacier and therefore some cavern wood would be nice.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, overseer of Canyontower.
Post by: simonthedwarf on February 26, 2012, 12:01:10 pm
(I just had the largest siege I've ever seen, consisting of 290 dwarves against my elven fort)
Dear UristMcSiegers
You guys are pathetic. You're less dwarfy then my ELVES are.
You know that last siege? One of our recruits lost an arm and another lost a finger. That's all. Is that really all you've got? Our ten legendary sword elves got ten kills each.
On the bright side of things, you guys did re-paint the entrance to our fortress in red. Much thanks for that.
I will give credit where it's due, however. The recruit who lost his arm fainted due to pain on a weapon trap containing 10 masterwork adamantine serrated discs, so not all the blood is yours.
Sencerely,
your Elven enemies.
P.S. Your pieces also supplied enough meat for over two years. See you next year.
ABOMINATION
Post by: Greiger on February 26, 2012, 12:06:17 pm
Yes a tigerfish somehow managed to get into the cistern. And since you are also military I see that you took it upon yourself to use your skills to remove the fish.
I would have preferred you to use your fishing skills and not your military skills to defeat the aquatic menace. Jumping into the well and sinking to the bottom of the cistern like a particularly dumb brick was not the proper combat maneuver for this situation. At least you killed the damn thing.
I'm only retrieving your corpse because of the armor it is wrapped in, I would appreciate it if you would keep it all from washing down the drain.
The Administration.
Post by: Dalkar on February 26, 2012, 12:21:05 pm
Why, oh why, did you decide to randomly shoot at a grizzly bear that walked by, even though it was ignoring our settlers? Especially on an evil biome. As far as I'm concerned you deserved to be chased around by a zombie bear with big hole in its head until you fainted from exhaustion. Please take more consideration in choosing your manner of death next time. Also, you're not welcome back into the compound due to you being a shambling corpse with no head.
The Overseer
Post by: Muffindog on February 26, 2012, 05:44:00 pm
I am very sorry for your loss. I understand that you're most distressed by zombie invasion that has taken most of your fort, and even more by the fact that your husband's reanimated arm is trying to murder you, but please swing that candy pick of yours without wimping out! It was given to you for a situation like this.
Regards, your overseer.
Dear zombies,
Please just eat my brain like you're supposed to and stop beating me to death with a shoe.
Thanks in advance, Urist McVictim
Dear dwarves of Stockadehide,
You didn't check the back door.
The undead. (http://multiply.com/mu/andypertamax/image/1/photos/upload/300x300/ThiwvQooCsoAAEQJvwE1/trollface-small-normal2pl7-1.png?et=GrcHeAkywwBzgE0edBv%2BsQ&nmid=0)
Post by: Flying Dice on February 26, 2012, 06:59:36 pm
Thank you for being possessed for your strange mood. Thank you for choosing the only type of cloth I don't have as a secondary material. Thank you for going mad. And most of all, thank you for doing this for an artifact with adamantite as the base material.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 26, 2012, 07:09:08 pm
I know you all feel invincible with your powers, like nothing else can defeat you, but you sure as hell do a good job of defeating yourselves. I'm talking to you, McFireblaster, that wagon had all the supplies in it. Yes, I'm sure the camel was very evil but did you have to destroy all our supplies? You also hit our farmer and our miner (who has super speed), and I'm not sure they'll make it. From now on, no powers, just weapons, okay?
-Your eternally bemused overseer
Post by: UltraValican on February 26, 2012, 07:27:20 pm
I don't know what you gals are doing when you all pile up in behind a bush no where near any animals, I don't want to know, you can have your little "What I'm praying was an impromtu tea-party" after you bag some animals.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 26, 2012, 07:53:09 pm
Thank you for your services. I hope that our adventuring contract will bring us much prosperity. But would you be so kind as to take a hint, and be stealthy when I sneak? Sneaking up on the beast in it's lair is most difficult when you charge it on sight, blowing my cover.
-Urist McAdventurer
Post by: Crioca on February 26, 2012, 09:48:47 pm
I AM IN YOUR BASE!
I AM EATING YOUR DWARVENS!
Signed;
- Urist McVampire
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on February 26, 2012, 09:52:39 pm
To my most esteemed business partners,
Thank you for your services. I hope that our adventuring contract will bring us much prosperity. But would you be so kind as to take a hint, and be stealthy when I sneak? Sneaking up on the beast in it's lair is most difficult when you charge it on sight, blowing my cover.
-Urist McAdventurer
WHAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP A BIT? We can't hear you, Urist.
Huh, that group of goblins seem to be coming towards us. Wonder what caught their attention?...
Post by: WillowLuman on February 26, 2012, 09:57:10 pm
To my most esteemed business partners,
Thank you for your services. I hope that our adventuring contract will bring us much prosperity. But would you be so kind as to take a hint, and be stealthy when I sneak? Sneaking up on the beast in it's lair is most difficult when you charge it on sight, blowing my cover.
-Urist McAdventurer
WHAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP A BIT? We can't hear you, Urist.
Huh, that group of goblins seem to be coming towards us. Wonder what caught their attention?...
HALT IN THE NAME OF THE WRETCHED TABLES!
Post by: jaxler on February 26, 2012, 10:21:38 pm
Dear Urist McFortressOverseer
I AM IN YOUR BASE!
I AM EATING YOUR DWARVENS!
Signed;
- Urist McVampire
You have been assigned the fabulous job of bridge keeper, you are to report to the underside of the closest drawbridge immediately.
signed:
- overseer
Post by: ledgekindred on February 27, 2012, 11:45:13 am
Dear Caverns,
Where are you? I've dug down 41 z-levels so far and haven't found anything. I'm kinda on a glacier and therefore some cavern wood would be nice.
Dear GWG,
Aye, us miners been down here diggin fer so long, a little "cavern wood" would be a nice change o pace, if'n ye knows what we mean.
Yrs
Some lonely miners
Post by: Sus on February 27, 2012, 11:59:59 am
Dear Mountainhomes,
Really, 80 "dabbling" farmers (with children) are enough. Please send somebody with a usefull skill for a change, preferably a miner.
Please?
Pretty please with sugar on top?
Your Humble Servant,
Sus, (despairing)FortressDabbling Farmer Refugee Camp Overseer
And lo and behold: the very next migrant wave brings the answer to my prayers.
> Udil Lolocatten, Miner
> Novice Miner
... I C wut U did thar.
NOT. AMUSED.
Post by: Sus on February 27, 2012, 12:08:27 pm
Oh, hello there Elan (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0090.html).To my most esteemed business partners,
Thank you for your services. I hope that our adventuring contract will bring us much prosperity. But would you be so kind as to take a hint, and be stealthy when I sneak? Sneaking up on the beast in it's lair is most difficult when you charge it on sight, blowing my cover.
-Urist McAdventurer
WHAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP A BIT? We can't hear you, Urist.
Huh, that group of goblins seem to be coming towards us. Wonder what caught their attention?...
Post by: Garath on February 27, 2012, 12:15:13 pm
Dear Super Heroes
I know you all feel invincible with your powers, like nothing else can defeat you, but you sure as hell do a good job of defeating yourselves. I'm talking to you, McFireblaster, that wagon had all the supplies in it. Yes, I'm sure the camel was very evil but did you have to destroy all our supplies? You also hit our farmer and our miner (who has super speed), and I'm not sure they'll make it. From now on, no powers, just weapons, okay?
-Your eternally bemused overseer
Dear overseer,
We did warn you that investigations regarding supers with firebreath or firethrowing have consistently shown them to be a bad choice to let anywhere near anything that is not fire-proof, and this includes other people. The same holds true for dragons and anything else with fire, we can not imagine why you thought it would be different this time.
signed
Secretary of the Guild of Superpowered Beings
Post by: Schizotek on February 27, 2012, 12:53:47 pm
Dear Ner Lemismebzuth, Forest Titan.
I deeply apologize for what I did. Just because you were made of coke did not justify me dripping magma on you. I should have saved you for the Arena. Our three forgotten beasts would have had a great deal of fun with you.
Dear Werechamelon,
You appeared on MY glacier, declaring that I would soon know why I fear the night, and then you had your arms ripped off by a husk without landing a single attack on him. Pathetic.
Dear blind cave crocodile FB,
Please chase the delicious fat farmer into that tunnel, never mind the floodgates. And don't let those abominable undead crundles follow you.
Dear Telkontar, Marksdwarf,
Apologies for that. The good news is that, as a zombie, magma cannot kill you. Have fun burning for all eternity at the bottom of the magma sea with the other 50 zombies I've dumped in.
Post by: ydaraishy on February 27, 2012, 04:14:19 pm
Why are you named after a goblin?
Signed,
Your Overlord
Post by: MadocComadrin on February 27, 2012, 04:38:06 pm
Dear Stozu Zolakezru, Engraver,
Why are you named after a goblin?
Signed,
Your Overlord
Dear Overseer ydaraishy,
We have reason to suspect the dwarf in question is the first case of a either a wear-goblin, or a goblin-dwarf hybrid. We would appreciate any efforts of ‼SCIENCE‼ you do to assist with out investigation.
Sincerely,
Mountainhomes Intelligence Agency (MIA).
Post by: wierd on February 27, 2012, 04:44:49 pm
You were appointed the regal title due to your love of green glass, since that is what your quarters are made from. (No exceptions!) However, your fettish for crossbow bolts is excessive. I no sooner finish one mandate for (1 bolt), and you have created another for (3 bolts), ad nauseum. This has happened continually for 5 dwarven years now.
Yes. You are upset that urist mcvampire is not in a cage after eating somebody. She is however, permently entombed and is no longer a threat to anyone. This does not excuse your incessant vomiting of demands for crossbow bolts. Stop now, or get assigned to join urist mcvampire in her quarters.
Yours in desperation,
The overseer of the grim casket-keepers.
Post by: DungeonJerk on February 27, 2012, 04:56:04 pm
How?, just, How!?. I give you hammers, and axes, and SPEARS!. I juice you up on the equivalent of Dwarf crack and make you the fastest damn things alive. How can 10 of you NOT clear out half your numbers in zombies and thralls?, let alone only 4 of you come back alive, and all you CRIPPLED!?
YOU ARE ALL A JOKE FOR ARMOK'S SAKE!, now I'm gonna have to risk the others being exposed to that haunted ash mist that you have probably noticed has been showing up more frequently and wafting over our home. Just to modify a new entrance/exit. And modify the previous one so I can lure the zombies into the pit!.
And YOU, you stupid mason who migrated here!. I don't care if those bunnies were once your pets. They are CONTAMINATED!. Quit trying to free them and expose the rest of the fort to their undeath!. If you don't, I will pit you in with the already contained thralls!.
Can't you hear them!?, they're clawing at the walls!, they want to kill us all!, we can't fight them!, we can only trap them!, why!?, for Armok's sake!, WHY!?
Signed: Slightly insane Overseer DungeonDwarf of PantsPalace
PS: The Elves!, oh god!, they TURNED THE ELVES!, FRUITY ZOMBIES!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 27, 2012, 05:36:07 pm
How did you manage to set yourself on fire when mining the magma-aquifer-obsidianizing thingy? And how did you manage to avoid setting your clothes on fire despite burning so fast that your corpse was gone before your replacement could arrive? Thanks for managing to save the pick, at least.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McCarpenterTurnedMiner,
Didn't you notice the ashes inside those clothes when you grabbed the pick? There's only one wolverine leather coat in this fort, and it belonged to the late Urist McMiner before he decided to mine out the aquifer-obsidianizing thing which worked (techncally). Point is, he's dead. You can report him as such.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
Dear all dwarves in the fortress,
Why can't I build a magma glass furnace out of clay? It worked last version...
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: -Firestar- on February 27, 2012, 06:18:58 pm
I understand you like running around nude and throwing clothes all over the place in bedrooms. That's somewhat normal behavior I hear.
But for the love of Armok, please PLEASE stop hoarding food in your rooms. There are multiple designated food piles and a designated eating area. There is no reason whatsoever to carry it back to your room and leave it on the floor! You are not children!
Sincerely,
Overseer Hanadra
Post by: Broseph Stalin on February 27, 2012, 07:15:11 pm
Dear residents of Crystal Caverns:Go into military and set your soldiers to stop carrying food. The system is bugged all to hell and they leave food in their room to rot and since it's owned nobody will touch it.
I understand you like running around nude and throwing clothes all over the place in bedrooms. That's somewhat normal behavior I hear.
But for the love of Armok, please PLEASE stop hoarding food in your rooms. There are multiple designated food piles and a designated eating area. There is no reason whatsoever to carry it back to your room and leave it on the floor! You are not children!
Sincerely,
Overseer Hanadra
Post by: WillowLuman on February 27, 2012, 07:40:20 pm
Dear Dwarves of Sungear, the Fortress of Light. I know that, due to the massive stockpiles of food, and the fact we live on a husk infested volcanic glacier, there isn't much actual work to be done, despite our numbers only being in the low 30's. But please stop making babies. 12 of our 32 dwarves are either babies or children. They are becoming a strain on my patience.
Dear Ner Lemismebzuth, Forest Titan.
I deeply apologize for what I did. Just because you were made of coke did not justify me dripping magma on you. I should have saved you for the Arena. Our three forgotten beasts would have had a great deal of fun with you.
Dear Werechamelon,
You appeared on MY glacier, declaring that I would soon know why I fear the night, and then you had your arms ripped off by a husk without landing a single attack on him. Pathetic.
Dear blind cave crocodile FB,
Please chase the delicious fat farmer into that tunnel, never mind the floodgates. And don't let those abominable undead crundles follow you.
Dear Telkontar, Marksdwarf,
Apologies for that. The good news is that, as a zombie, magma cannot kill you. Have fun burning for all eternity at the bottom of the magma sea with the other 50 zombies I've dumped in.[/color]
Dear Schizotek,
1) Where did those come from? Did some dust get underground?
2) WTF Seriously!!?? Husks are immune to MAGMA!!??
Post by: Wolfy on February 27, 2012, 07:59:29 pm
I realize that a great deal of fault for your lacking skills falls on me, or rather, the freaking military interface. But that is no reason for you to stop hunting down the eagle that has stopped everyone form going outside. You’re ten guys with weapons, it’s a freaking bird, kill it, grab it, throw rocks at it, just get it away from my entrance or so help me I will MAKE you all miners and force you to dig in till you get killed by whatever is down there. I will then dance on your graves, capturing that bird and putting him in one of your tombs.
Post by: agiller on February 27, 2012, 08:03:15 pm
You've been strangling that poor groundhog for 8 pages now. Please stop, I think you're enjoying this a little too much. There are other things to kill, you don't have to spend so much time on the groundhog.
Signed,
Supreme Overlord Agiller
Post by: kisame12794 on February 27, 2012, 08:32:44 pm
Dear Dwarves of Sungear, the Fortress of Light. I know that, due to the massive stockpiles of food, and the fact we live on a husk infested volcanic glacier, there isn't much actual work to be done, despite our numbers only being in the low 30's. But please stop making babies. 12 of our 32 dwarves are either babies or children. They are becoming a strain on my patience.
Dear Ner Lemismebzuth, Forest Titan.
I deeply apologize for what I did. Just because you were made of coke did not justify me dripping magma on you. I should have saved you for the Arena. Our three forgotten beasts would have had a great deal of fun with you.
Dear Werechamelon,
You appeared on MY glacier, declaring that I would soon know why I fear the night, and then you had your arms ripped off by a husk without landing a single attack on him. Pathetic.
Dear blind cave crocodile FB,
Please chase the delicious fat farmer into that tunnel, never mind the floodgates. And don't let those abominable undead crundles follow you.
Dear Telkontar, Marksdwarf,
Apologies for that. The good news is that, as a zombie, magma cannot kill you. Have fun burning for all eternity at the bottom of the magma sea with the other 50 zombies I've dumped in.[/color]
Dear Schizotek,
1) Where did those come from? Did some dust get underground?
2) WTF Seriously!!?? Husks are immune to MAGMA!!??
Husks are immune to magma, traps, drowning, HFS, fire, dwarves, other husks, and just about everything else. The only way to deafeat them is to completely dismember them, then atomsmash them until nothing is left. Oh and they tend to get covered in huskifiying dust, so wash them off before engaging in melee combat.
Post by: Sutremaine on February 27, 2012, 08:46:19 pm
Clearly they need better sneaking boots (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0766.html).WHAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP A BIT? We can't hear you, Urist.Oh, hello there Elan (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0090.html).
Huh, that group of goblins seem to be coming towards us. Wonder what caught their attention?...
Post by: flopeared on February 27, 2012, 10:09:05 pm
For the love of armok, STOP NAMING THEM! You know we can't eat them if they have names. You're supposed to be a butcher, for Armok's sake, so every time I send you to go kill some lamb for dinners, I expect you to slaughter it, not gain another pet. I want leg of lamb. >:(
Post by: Vehudur on February 27, 2012, 10:13:09 pm
Dear Urist:
For the love of armok, STOP NAMING THEM! You know we can't eat them if they have names. You're supposed to be a butcher, for Armok's sake, so every time I send you to go kill some lamb for dinners, I expect you to slaughter it, not gain another pet. I want leg of lamb. >:(
Time for the butcher to have an unfortunate accident and find one who hates animals.
Post by: sasf54 on February 28, 2012, 06:07:19 am
The warnings are generated, when the second tile is hot.
dear mining squad,
I realise that lava is dangerous, I know a sign of lava is warm rock, but I also happen to have some rather accurate knowledge about the exact location of aforementioned lava: BELOW the area you are digging out, not next to it. stop shouting about warm rock, and DO YOUR JOBS!!!
signed,
your somewhat displeased ruler.
Post by: malimbar04 on February 28, 2012, 11:38:29 am
DO NOT GO INTO THE RIVER!
There is nothing in that entire area of the fort, it's a dead corner.
I've covered it with bridges and floors to prevent accidental falls.
Yet, at the bottom of a single waterfall there is still an estimated 9 dead dwarves.
This is not the Niagra. The waterfall is exactly 1 tile deep, and lake is surrounded by ramps. There is no honor here. There is just stupidity, as dwarf after dwarf drowns to death. I don't know how you guy are getting in there, but stop.
Post by: Robsoie on February 28, 2012, 12:18:26 pm
That's extremely annoying, so just stop.
Post by: Dalkar on February 28, 2012, 12:46:58 pm
Urist, i know you've been doing this stupidly for as long as Dwarf Fortress existed, but please, oh please, when i decide to close completely a room, ordering you to build a wall, stop putting the last piece of wall while you're inside that room.Same thing happened, but it was a miner digging a moat. He was grabbed by a giant carp.
That's extremely annoying, so just stop.
Post by: -Firestar- on February 28, 2012, 01:03:22 pm
Urist, i know you've been doing this stupidly for as long as Dwarf Fortress existed, but please, oh please, when i decide to close completely a room, ordering you to build a wall, stop putting the last piece of wall while you're inside that room.Or build the entire wall in no order whatsoever (just like your digging) and SOMEHOW box yourself out of doing the corners every single time without fail. Stop working so hard to not work. You are DWARVES!
That's extremely annoying, so just stop.
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on February 28, 2012, 05:55:33 pm
Stop dancing around these pastured dogs in fort entrance. It is going decidedly for too long. You are not even pastured! Kill this rat infestation, NOW.
Yours, Armok.
Post by: Garath on February 28, 2012, 06:01:27 pm
Dear cat of Healeddike,
Stop dancing around these pastured dogs in fort entrance. It is going decidedly for too long. You are not even pastured! Kill this rat infestation, NOW.
Yours, Armok.
"Mew. MEW mreow mew mew meeeew. Mrow Mrew Mrrrowl. Rrrrrrrrr."
(translated)
Dear slave, cats obey no master we do as we want. We want a scratch behind the ears now. Make it so.
Post by: Vehudur on February 28, 2012, 10:15:26 pm
Dear cat of Healeddike,
Stop dancing around these pastured dogs in fort entrance. It is going decidedly for too long. You are not even pastured! Kill this rat infestation, NOW.
Yours, Armok.
"Mew. MEW mreow mew mew meeeew. Mrow Mrew Mrrrowl. Rrrrrrrrr."
(translated)
Dear slave, cats obey no master we do as we want. We want a scratch behind the ears now. Make it so.
*picks up overly arrogant cat and punts it into the nearest magma pit*
Post by: KelisMetal on February 28, 2012, 10:35:29 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on February 28, 2012, 10:39:32 pm
Dear cat of Healeddike,
Stop dancing around these pastured dogs in fort entrance. It is going decidedly for too long. You are not even pastured! Kill this rat infestation, NOW.
Yours, Armok.
"Mew. MEW mreow mew mew meeeew. Mrow Mrew Mrrrowl. Rrrrrrrrr."
(translated)
Dear slave, cats obey no master we do as we want. We want a scratch behind the ears now. Make it so.
Goes to my desk (bookkeeper/manager). Opens records file of cat. Checks box marked "Ready for slaughter: Y"
Post by: Wolfy on February 28, 2012, 10:43:31 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on February 28, 2012, 10:49:24 pm
Your dwarfs then are siege apron, by cute cuddly kittens of doom
And so begins the most epic battle of all time, ever.
Post by: Vehudur on February 28, 2012, 10:52:57 pm
No more cat invasion.
Post by: Terratoch on February 28, 2012, 11:29:17 pm
Why do you insist on going into battle bare handed when we have two perfectly useable copper battle axes for you to choose from?
In the future, please employ these modern works of technology. Even if the targets are annoying fauna, they can still kick, bite, and scratch you to death.
Sincerely yours,
magical floating x in the sky.
Post by: DungeonJerk on February 29, 2012, 12:04:41 am
It is with heavy regret...oh who am I kidding?, I'm done, you stupid apes cost yourself your lives. You just HAD to stomp on my mercy and run outside into the thrall infested glacier for some idiot thing I told you ALL to leave the hell alone when I let those damn Migrants in. Now all of you except a few are part of the zombie horde that have amassed outside.
Well, no more!. I hereby quit. I'm taking all the booze using the emergency "oh shit" lever, opening ALL the doors, and letting the zombies have a snack of you while I escape out my overseer escape tunnel. So long, its been miserable. I think I'll set up in a nice peaceful place next time without you schmucks.
Signed: Former Overseer DungeonDwarf of PantsPalace
PS: To the Zombies, please chew your food thoroughly.
Post by: Possomtail on February 29, 2012, 02:16:59 am
Whenever I tell you tell you to make some barrels so that Urist McBrewer can brew some more dwarvern wine when we have none left, please do not throw any parties because your friends will all thirst to death.
Post by: makpantek on February 29, 2012, 02:33:29 am
How the hell did you lose a right leg while farming?
Sincerely,
Your god.
Post by: Schizotek on February 29, 2012, 03:06:00 am
This is not Voidbreach. This is not Sungears. This fort can, and Armok above knows that I will, get new migrants on a regular basis. You. Are. Disposable. So when I tell you to retrieve those Unicorns, I don't want to hear about some giant peach faced whatsits. Just get them. My army WILL be outfitted with gear crafted solely from Unicorns, and anyone who inhibits this plan will be guilty of spreading unhappiness. Unhappiness is punishable by happy fun time. Happy fun time schedulees must report to the Happy Room, and pull the Lever of Magmatic Joy.
Your loving and all seeing overseer.
Post by: Reudh on February 29, 2012, 05:12:23 am
Dear Dorf,
How the hell did you lose a right leg while farming?
Sincerely,
Your god.
To Mr Makpantek o-holy-but-not-as-holy-as-Armok, bless 'is soul,
Blood's a good fertiliser, innit? An' i had a good leg jus' goin' to waste attached to me hip. So I cut it off an' buried it in th' farm plot.
Now whenev' th' other dorves take a drink of the plump 'elmet wine, or a chomp o' th' plump 'elmet biscuits, I'll say "That's Urist McFarmer vintage, and ye know why? Me leg's fertilised it!" and I'll laugh as they spit out their food n' drink. And I'll 'ave another round on th' house for everyone.
Urist McSacrificialFarmer cancels respond to me god: Shouting another round of Urist McFarmer Wine.
Yers, Urist McFarmer.
Hope I 'aven't stuff'd you up wit' me exuberant fertilising th' farms.
Post by: YetAnotherStupidDorf on February 29, 2012, 06:56:29 am
Why do you insist on going into battle bare handed when we have two perfectly useable copper battle axes for you to choose from?Probably reserved for woodcutters. If your two woodcutters are also axedwarves, sometimes game boinks and require in total 4 separate axes to work properly as expected - and this is not counting other possible bugs in retrieving weapon code.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on February 29, 2012, 07:40:29 am
First, Congrats on the promotion. Second, consider changing your name to Urist Mcminer. Finally, good job at escaping magma not once but twice while trying to de-magma the aquifer staircase. Oh, and I think you're now a better miner than Urist McMissingAshes ever was.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.
Dear all Urists,
Good job, y'all. Keep up the good work. Soon we'll pierce the aquifer and continue to stone and wealth! Our magma glass furnace is almost up and running, so yippee there, too. Keep up the good work and don't fall into the volcano.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 29, 2012, 07:30:42 pm
Dear Urist McFormerCarpenterNowMiner,
First, Congrats on the promotion. Second, consider changing your name to Urist Mcminer. Finally, good job at escaping magma not once but twice while trying to de-magma the aquifer staircase. Oh, and I think you're now a better miner than Urist McMissingAshes ever was.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.
Dear all Urists,
Good job, y'all. Keep up the good work. Soon we'll pierce the aquifer and continue to stone and wealth! Our magma glass furnace is almost up and running, so yippee there, too. Keep up the good work and don't fall into the volcano.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
You've probably just jinxed it.
Post by: GoldenShadow on March 01, 2012, 08:14:42 am
RIP
He was so tired that he fell asleep immediately after digging into an aquifer. Gives a new meaning to sleeping with the fishes.
Post by: Habbadax on March 01, 2012, 09:32:19 am
Please
Stop
Breeding
Post by: Vehudur on March 01, 2012, 11:13:04 am
Dear Urist McRabbit
Please
Stop
Breeding
As cruel as it sounds, kill off one or two of the children. It will make him/her unhappy, so be able to station a squad near him to "comfort" him if he does anything stupid. But unhappy dwarves may not breed as much (science needs done on this) and if that doesn't work, test your new drowning chamber you haven't built yet on him.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 01, 2012, 09:33:52 pm
Dear Urist McRabbit
Please
Stop
Breeding
As cruel as it sounds, kill off one or two of the children. It will make him/her unhappy, so be able to station a squad near him to "comfort" him if he does anything stupid. But unhappy dwarves may not breed as much (science needs done on this) and if that doesn't work, test your new drowning chamber you haven't built yet on him.
But it's a rabbit
Post by: Vehudur on March 01, 2012, 09:34:52 pm
Dear Urist McRabbit
Please
Stop
Breeding
As cruel as it sounds, kill off one or two of the children. It will make him/her unhappy, so be able to station a squad near him to "comfort" him if he does anything stupid. But unhappy dwarves may not breed as much (science needs done on this) and if that doesn't work, test your new drowning chamber you haven't built yet on him.
But it's a rabbit
Well fine then, all but a breeding pair to cut the population down.
Post by: Crioca on March 01, 2012, 09:39:16 pm
Lead? Seriously? Fucking lead? I have twelve bars of adamantine there and you decide to create a lead breastplate. If you weren't my only high level armoursmith I'd get you to build a lead floodgate to keep the magma out of your bedroom. Would you like that you PUNK!?!
Post by: tahujdt on March 01, 2012, 11:12:35 pm
Post by: Terratoch on March 01, 2012, 11:54:01 pm
Your first raid was pitiful. About 10 or so. The worst you did was cost one of my dwarfs an arm.
RE: Dear Goblins:
Your second raid was overkill. 100+? Seriously? Okay, you win. Guess I'm starting over again -.-;
Post by: Wolfy on March 02, 2012, 12:32:44 am
When it says you will know fear it is not the time to path find to the edge of the map... and then run back to the fort with your "freind" right there.
Post by: PCpaste on March 02, 2012, 04:42:58 am
I love you so dearly. The way you leave corpses lying around the fortress all drained of blood is just so adorable. You've been with me since the first migrant wave and you've been my faithful mayor, broker, and sole defender since then, somehow coming up on top of every berserk miner and goblin seige, no matter how many other people died, and I look forward to many centuries to come.
But damnit, why can't you be happy with your office?! The chair is made of gold, every surface is engraved, the room is filled to the brim with statues, and yet it still doesn't fit your requirements and it makes you unhappy enough to tantrum over it...
Also, can't you mandate anything but anvils? I'm running out of metal here...
Sincerely, Sick Vampire Sympathising Overseer
Post by: Sus on March 02, 2012, 06:43:02 am
...but the foreman said we'd have to cut some corners to get this thing built on schedule.Urist, i know you've been doing this stupidly for as long as Dwarf Fortress existed, but please, oh please, when i decide to close completely a room, ordering you to build a wall, stop putting the last piece of wall while you're inside that room.Or build the entire wall in no order whatsoever (just like your digging) and SOMEHOW box yourself out of doing the corners every single time without fail. Stop working so hard to not work. You are DWARVES!
That's extremely annoying, so just stop.
So we did.
:P
Post by: Ultimuh on March 02, 2012, 06:55:42 am
Dear Urist McVampire,
I love you so dearly. The way you leave corpses lying around the fortress all drained of blood is just so adorable. You've been with me since the first migrant wave and you've been my faithful mayor, broker, and sole defender since then, somehow coming up on top of every berserk miner and goblin seige, no matter how many other people died, and I look forward to many centuries to come.
But damnit, why can't you be happy with your office?! The chair is made of gold, every surface is engraved, the room is filled to the brim with statues, and yet it still doesn't fit your requirements and it makes you unhappy enough to tantrum over it...
Also, can't you mandate anything but anvils? I'm running out of metal here...
Sincerely, Sick Vampire Sympathising Overseer
Dear overseer.
I speciffically asked for PLATINUM furniture!
The engravings are of cheese, I HATE CHEESE!
The statues are of various animals I don't like and I still need that slade armor stand I recently requested.
And if that's not enough, there is a bad smell from all these corpses lying around!
Sincerely, UristMcVampire.
(well, someone had to do this. :P )
Post by: tahujdt on March 02, 2012, 07:32:22 am
Post by: nightwhips on March 02, 2012, 11:30:28 am
Dear Urist McVampire,
I love you so dearly. The way you leave corpses lying around the fortress all drained of blood is just so adorable. You've been with me since the first migrant wave and you've been my faithful mayor, broker, and sole defender since then, somehow coming up on top of every berserk miner and goblin seige, no matter how many other people died, and I look forward to many centuries to come.
But damnit, why can't you be happy with your office?! The chair is made of gold, every surface is engraved, the room is filled to the brim with statues, and yet it still doesn't fit your requirements and it makes you unhappy enough to tantrum over it...
Also, can't you mandate anything but anvils? I'm running out of metal here...
Sincerely, Sick Vampire Sympathising Overseer
You can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.
Post by: Terratoch on March 03, 2012, 05:14:26 pm
I am SO, SORRY. When I noticed you looked older than the world (by three years, seriously you must take great care of yourself to live that long), I just assumed you were a blood sucking monster, so I locked you in a room after assigning you to the vampire burrow. It was by sheer chance that I noticed you wasting away while your wife wondered where you were. The door is open, and you are free to go, for gods sake man have a drink or ten on me.
P.S.: I noticed you're good with axes, so welcome to the military.
Sincerely,
Your neglectful overseer.
Post by: Kogut on March 04, 2012, 12:48:01 am
Dear Urist McKillBane-Elite-Wrestler
You've been strangling that poor groundhog for 8 pages now. Please stop, I think you're enjoying this a little too much. There are other things to kill, you don't have to spend so much time on the groundhog.
Signed,
Supreme Overlord Agiller
Dear Supreme Overlord Agiller
Muhahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahaha.
Signed,
Bug 4856 (http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/view.php?id=4856)
BTW, save from 4.x may be useful on bugtracker.
Post by: wierd on March 04, 2012, 12:57:15 am
Cannot be killed you say?
VAMPIRE !!SCIENCE!! Time! This may well be the ultimate vampire snackbar!
Post by: Schizotek on March 04, 2012, 01:03:31 am
If you encrust ONE MORE masterwork item with DIORITE....well.. you know that dwarf we sealed into a 5x5 room a couple years back? Hes still alive. And you can join him. Use the shitty furniture instead. And when your done, toss them into the magma chamber. Don't need your practice cluttering up my fort.
-Overseer
Dear Urist McLegendary Axedarf
Its just a fucking bird! Lop its wings off! And then toss it into the magma chamber. Last thing we need is bird wings strangling us in our sleep like some kind of 50's horror flick.
-Overseer.
Dear Urist McButcher
Level faster please. I'm sick of having to have half a dozen guards around your revolting shop. And remember, when your done with the corpse, instead of getting a drink, toss the remains in the magma chamber. Which your shop was built immediately on top of. YOUR WELCOME.
-Overseer
Dear Vampy McChildmolestor
Could you perhaps eat more frequently? We have lots of delicious children here. Snack that smiles back, eh?
-Your loving jailor
Post by: captain proof on March 04, 2012, 06:01:38 pm
Our inquisitorial guard has reason to suspect that there is a vampire in our midst. Expect a fang check and any religious material's concerning the worship of the God Doren the Golden Wreath will be dealt with harshly.
Sincerely
Your Inquisitor
Post by: Sutremaine on March 04, 2012, 08:15:22 pm
You can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 04, 2012, 08:27:48 pm
You can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
So Toady fixed the number of bars objects need to make, but not the number they produce when melted?
Post by: Vehudur on March 04, 2012, 08:45:04 pm
You can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
So Toady fixed the number of bars objects need to make, but not the number they produce when melted?
Correct. *grumbles loudly*
Post by: Crioca on March 04, 2012, 09:28:57 pm
I understand you felt you needed to make a long trip through zombie mosquito infested territory to fetch a sock, really I do, and you know what else? I'm fine with you going to get it. And I know there was no bridge over the fast flowing stream, so I appreciate the initiative you took deciding to cross it.
But did you have to do it at the very edge of the waterfall that fell six zeds into a steep sided gorge? Now I have to deal with your merciless, animated corpse as it slowly trudges it's way out of the water and begins to assault our fortress.
Signed,
- Urist McOverseer
Post by: Lumix on March 05, 2012, 05:39:12 am
I understand your eagerness to perform work and follow the instructions of the Overseer
I am fallible, and i would like it if you warned me of a bad judgement
But, You decided to channel the river right through the bedrooms and the fort.
I suppose us few that survived will be living like elves.
-The Overseer
Post by: Broseph Stalin on March 05, 2012, 09:21:43 am
There have been five successful kidnappings because you insist on wandering aimlessly far away from the fortress. Stop wandering aimlessly far away from the fortress. There are plenty of things to do in the fortress, or inside the guard dog perimeter or close enough for anyone to hear you scream for help. Stop it or I will put you in a 1x1 holein the ground and you will stand on each other in a pile until you get old enough to stop getting stuffed into bags.
Post by: Kogut on March 05, 2012, 10:58:20 am
number they produce when melted was correctYou can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
So Toady fixed the number of bars objects need to make, but not the number they produce when melted?
Correct. *grumbles loudly*
Post by: Sus on March 06, 2012, 05:07:48 pm
Taking a nap right next to that rattlesnake you just shot through the right lung?
Not a winning idea.
Especially since we currently lack any kind of medical facility.
-Your Concerned Overseer
Post by: Kylarus on March 06, 2012, 05:18:41 pm
It is with a heavy heart that I bring forth news that the murder of Zan Itebneth, Dwarven Child has been resolved. This seemingly brutal attack can only be ruled a suicide. (Apparently you can convict the deceased of murdering themselves.) Despite the victim having been drained of blood in plain sight, nary a witness to be found. Not even a single person can point at a likely suspect. I know that some of you are "Outraged at the bizarre conviction against all reason of the victim of a crime recently," but I can assure you that it is as it looks. If someone had been more cautious, we may have caught the fiend. You've only yourselves (mostly the vampire) to blame.
Vabok WoundUnites (Not a vampire. Honest!)
Addendum:
Notice of Return to Active Labor: Vabok WoundUnites
Due to your unwillingness to do any actual detective work, we have assigned one: Logem RingDuties, a Hunter, to the job. He seems more willing to the job than you and will take over duties as Sheriff. His service record is quite good, retiring out of The Staff of Shimmering from the post of General. He looks forward to whipping this outpost into shape.
The Overseer
Post by: WillowLuman on March 06, 2012, 08:25:53 pm
Remember when we sealed the gates of hell with that drawbridge? The one which unfortunately had to be linked to a lever to work? Well, this is why I say unfortunately. I don't care how upset you were about your kittens being eaten by a steel brute, no tantrum-inducing grief justifies pulling that lever again and lowering the bridge. Fortunately the demons were stupid enough to wander under the magma piston, but because of your actions I have no choice but to lock you in solitary confinement where you can do no more harm to yourself or others. I even built the walls out of soft soap blocks to prevent self-inflicted injury. I hope that in your solitude you can reflect on this for the rest of your life.
Signed, the Overseer
Post by: wierd on March 06, 2012, 08:39:25 pm
Dear Dakost Mobenzung
Remember when we sealed the gates of hell with that drawbridge? The one which unfortunately had to be linked to a lever to work? Well, this is why I say unfortunately. I don't care how upset you were about your kittens being eaten by a steel brute, no tantrum-inducing grief justifies pulling that lever again and lowering the bridge. Fortunately the demons were stupid enough to wander under the magma piston, but because of your actions I have no choice but to lock you in solitary confinement where you can do no more harm to yourself or others. I even built the walls out of soft soap blocks to prevent self-inflicted injury. I hope that in your solitude you can reflect on this for the rest of your life.
Signed, the Overseer
Dear overseer:
Without my adorable kittens, life just isn't worth living! I tried to get consolation from my fellow dwarves, but your draconian, sweatshop labor policies make interpersonal friendships impossible! I had no choice but to end it all! You act like I didn't know what I was doing! All those uncaring, plump helmet eating, KITTEN KILLING bastards were all going to die with me, and I would have had the satisfaction of having been the one to pull the lever... but NOOOOO.. you had to send somebody in to stop me.... and now.... [explosive bout of sobbing tears] you have locked my in a KITTEN SOAP BAR PRISON!
I hate you, do you understand!? I hate all of you!!! (Unintelligable shrieking)
Post by: WillowLuman on March 07, 2012, 01:36:42 am
Dear Dakost Mobenzung
Remember when we sealed the gates of hell with that drawbridge? The one which unfortunately had to be linked to a lever to work? Well, this is why I say unfortunately. I don't care how upset you were about your kittens being eaten by a steel brute, no tantrum-inducing grief justifies pulling that lever again and lowering the bridge. Fortunately the demons were stupid enough to wander under the magma piston, but because of your actions I have no choice but to lock you in solitary confinement where you can do no more harm to yourself or others. I even built the walls out of soft soap blocks to prevent self-inflicted injury. I hope that in your solitude you can reflect on this for the rest of your life.
Signed, the Overseer
Dear overseer:
Without my adorable kittens, life just isn't worth living! I tried to get consolation from my fellow dwarves, but your draconian, sweatshop labor policies make interpersonal friendships impossible! I had no choice but to end it all! You act like I didn't know what I was doing! All those uncaring, plump helmet eating, KITTEN KILLING bastards were all going to die with me, and I would have had the satisfaction of having been the one to pull the lever... but NOOOOO.. you had to send somebody in to stop me.... and now.... [explosive bout of sobbing tears] you have locked my in a KITTEN SOAP BAR PRISON!
I hate you, do you understand!? I hate all of you!!! (Unintelligable shrieking)
Dear Overseer
The wailing from Dakost's cell is keeping me up at night. I suggest we pipe in stray animals. That or relocate her to the bottom of the magma piston
Signed Obum, talented Fish Cleaner.
Post by: Fen on March 07, 2012, 06:19:42 am
please do not try to dance with crossbow-wielding goblins when they ambush the riverside. Just run back to the fortress for safety. The military goblins will be there to help you anyway, but if you had just run away you wouldn't gotten a bolt to the leg and had to lie in the mud until the fighting was over to be whisked away into the hospital where you will be staying until you can stand again.
Post by: Spinal_Taper on March 07, 2012, 08:16:33 pm
Thank you for engraving our fort with military victories, however I would prefer it if instead of engraving the times that Elves and Humans have slaughtered dwarves and megabeasts, why not engrave images of our victories.
Welcome to the army, Overseer
Post by: grimman007 on March 07, 2012, 09:34:18 pm
Dear Stone Detailing Squad,Dear Overseer,
Thank you for engraving our fort with military victories, however I would prefer it if instead of engraving the times that Elves and Humans have slaughtered dwarves and megabeasts, why not engrave images of our victories.
Welcome to the army, Overseer
We've only had two victories, and the last one was a fluke. Engraving the same thing over and over again gets really, really boring.
SincThe Stone Carvers have been disbanded.
Post by: Courtesy Arloban on March 07, 2012, 10:33:31 pm
I appreciate you being the only person in town crazy enough to venture into the wilderness with me, even though I was just heading to the nearest fortress to get a full party of soldiers accompanying us. Too bad the fortress was filled with Hippos instead. I tried to redirect us to the nearest other town instead, but you insisted on chasing after every animal along the way throwing us way off course, and as I ran to keep up with you I didn't even get a single kill. Then Night fell and every boogeyman I modded in joined the generated ones in beating me to a pulp at the same time, including the Oompa Loompa's who's constant singing was every bit as irritating and mentally scarring as the beating.(Maybe More). I then noticed that in Legends mode you wet on to kill Bandits without me, and have yet to relocate to a town. I have a new world to play with now so enjoy being erased.
Post by: Lagslayer on March 08, 2012, 05:19:11 am
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,Looks like "Red Shirt NPC" is not the career choice for you.
I appreciate you being the only person in town crazy enough to venture into the wilderness with me, even though I was just heading to the nearest fortress to get a full party of soldiers accompanying us. Too bad the fortress was filled with Hippos instead. I tried to redirect us to the nearest other town instead, but you insisted on chasing after every animal along the way throwing us way off course, and as I ran to keep up with you I didn't even get a single kill. Then Night fell and every boogeyman I modded in joined the generated ones in beating me to a pulp at the same time, including the Oompa Loompa's who's constant singing was every bit as irritating and mentally scarring as the beating.(Maybe More). I then noticed that in Legends mode you wet on to kill Bandits without me, and have yet to relocate to a town. I have a new world to play with now so enjoy being erased.
Post by: billybobfred on March 08, 2012, 03:46:17 pm
Re: Breaks
You don't need them.
You work three times a year for a period of about two weeks each time, and that's if I'm slow about trading. Even if I give you a second job as a manager, you still have more leisure time than work time.
I'm overlooking your "breaks" during winter when you don't have anything that needs to be done anyway, but quit taking breaks when the caravans come!
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on March 08, 2012, 09:45:44 pm
To: Interdimensional Dwarven Brokers' Union
Re: Breaks
You don't need them.
You work three times a year for a period of about two weeks each time, and that's if I'm slow about trading. Even if I give you a second job as a manager, you still have more leisure time than work time.
I'm overlooking your "breaks" during winter when you don't have anything that needs to be done anyway, but quit taking breaks when the caravans come!
Interdimensional Dwarven Brokers' Union Spokesdwarf cancels reply: Trading with Caravan.
Post by: Courtesy Arloban on March 08, 2012, 10:57:40 pm
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,I probably would have made it if I hadn't modded in extra boogeymen, because they all showed up to the party. I was working on several ideas, from Oompa Loompa's singing, to Jack-Bots body plans, minions of Set using copy tags from snakemen, and henchmen copying tags from Humans. The screen was full of boogeymen.
I appreciate you being the only person in town crazy enough to venture into the wilderness with me, even though I was just heading to the nearest fortress to get a full party of soldiers accompanying us. Too bad the fortress was filled with Hippos instead. I tried to redirect us to the nearest other town instead, but you insisted on chasing after every animal along the way throwing us way off course, and as I ran to keep up with you I didn't even get a single kill. Then Night fell and every boogeyman I modded in joined the generated ones in beating me to a pulp at the same time, including the Oompa Loompa's who's constant singing was every bit as irritating and mentally scarring as the beating.(Maybe More). I then noticed that in Legends mode you wet on to kill Bandits without me, and have yet to relocate to a town. I have a new world to play with now so enjoy being erased.
Post by: wierd on March 09, 2012, 01:11:47 am
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,I probably would have made it if I hadn't modded in extra boogeymen, because they all showed up to the party. I was working on several ideas, from Oompa Loompa's singing, to Jack-Bots body plans, minions of Set using copy tags from snakemen, and henchmen copying tags from Humans. The screen was full of boogeymen.
I appreciate you being the only person in town crazy enough to venture into the wilderness with me, even though I was just heading to the nearest fortress to get a full party of soldiers accompanying us. Too bad the fortress was filled with Hippos instead. I tried to redirect us to the nearest other town instead, but you insisted on chasing after every animal along the way throwing us way off course, and as I ran to keep up with you I didn't even get a single kill. Then Night fell and every boogeyman I modded in joined the generated ones in beating me to a pulp at the same time, including the Oompa Loompa's who's constant singing was every bit as irritating and mentally scarring as the beating.(Maybe More). I then noticed that in Legends mode you wet on to kill Bandits without me, and have yet to relocate to a town. I have a new world to play with now so enjoy being erased.
What do you get when your dwarf is a PRATT,
Drinking a beer, and increadibly FAT?
Blaming his kin is a lie and a SHAME,
When you know exactly what to BLAME!
(The hallucagenic mushrooms!!)
Oompa loompa, doopity dah!
If you're not wasted, you will go far!
Avoid creating night creatures too,
And be spared the oompa loompa doompaties too!
Post by: WillowLuman on March 09, 2012, 01:26:08 am
What do you get when your dwarf is a PRATT,
Drinking a beer, and increadibly FAT?
Blaming his kin is a lie and a SHAME,
When you know exactly what to BLAME!
(The hallucagenic mushrooms!!)
Oompa loompa, doopity dah!
If you're not wasted, you will go far!
Avoid creating night creatures too,
And be spared the oompa loompa doompaties too!
Damn! It's too long to sig. But that just made my day
Post by: lostsomething on March 09, 2012, 02:14:42 am
(Time passes)
The baby's still starving? What's going on here? Who are its parents (looks them up)? All right, I'll cancel all of their labors so they can come here and take care of this baby.
(More time passes)
What the hell are those parents doing? "No job"? How about you take care of this baby before it dies right here on the floor?
(Baby dies, right there on the floor. Parents are very sad.)
Oh don't you give me that! I gave every possible opportunity to take care of that thing and I've got more than half a mind to send you right after it!
I seriously have no idea what happened there. My current fort's got more than twenty of the things and nobody's ever lost (Is that what happened?) one of the things but in that one game I just had that poor lonely baby starving to death in a crowd while its parents apparently couldn't have cared less up to the point it died.
Post by: GoldenShadow on March 09, 2012, 03:18:47 am
Post by: Aoi on March 09, 2012, 05:56:29 am
Somehow, you managed to outlive your master and single-wingedly destroyed an entire goblin ambush before the bumbling barely-trained guards even made it out the door.
If you could be afforded the position of Captain, you would receive it with my blessing. As you cannot, I will now commence constructing as many solid gold statues I can until I produce one befitting of your honor.
Sincerely,
A higher power
Post by: gunpowdertea on March 09, 2012, 06:42:15 am
To Moody McArmorsmith: A Iovium (LFR mod, heaviest metal) gauntlet. Well, I guess it packs a punch, but kind of a silly thing to make...
Post by: Undercroft on March 09, 2012, 05:03:53 pm
While you are an interesting addition to my fort, and very popular too as your new position as mayor indicates, I am having doubts about your place within our community.
You see that it has come to my attention that not only have you drained the blood of my legendary miner (one of the founding seven who will be sorely missed), you have now also drained my legendary weaponsmith of his vital fluids. The legendary weaponsmith who forged that lovely artefact axe. The lovely artefact axe that his friend, Urist McAxelord, is introducing to the limbs of the assembled dwarves in the meeting hall.
Assuming there are any survivors, I would like it if you would keep your blood draining relegated to those worthless migrants i have sitting upstairs on the soil layer. Nobody will miss them, especially not bearded avatars of axe-based death. In fact if it wasn't for the fact that your death would likely inspire more tantrums i would have you chained outside as a gift to the next goblin siege.
- Management
PS. Don't grow too attached to that cat. A fort can never have enough cat-bone crossbow bolts.
Post by: Musashi on March 09, 2012, 06:07:31 pm
I hope you have nothing to do with your newborn daughter's name.
- Your Overseer
Dear Minkot Rimfist
What the fuck.
- Your Overseer
Post by: peskyninja on March 09, 2012, 06:12:42 pm
That masterwork silver war hammer with masterwork descriptions of you killing prisoners with the said hammer is NOT for you.
-You overmind.
Post by: Aoi on March 09, 2012, 10:05:24 pm
I am grateful for this chance to redeem myself after our last outpost failed due to a mysterious leak in the farms that had sprung while I had ordered the moats to be expanded. However, while reviewing the documents regarding the new outpost to be established, I could not help but note its name: Tombssubmerged. I would like to take this opportunity to petition for a name change.
Thank you,
The Flooder of Forts
Post by: Schizotek on March 09, 2012, 11:47:22 pm
To the lord of the Mountainhomes:
I am grateful for this chance to redeem myself after our last outpost failed due to a mysterious leak in the farms that had sprung while I had ordered the moats to be expanded. However, while reviewing the documents regarding the new outpost to be established, I could not help but note its name: Tombssubmerged. I would like to take this opportunity to petition for a name change.
Thank you,
The Flooder of Forts
Overseer Aoi,
Request accepted. The new outpost shall henceforth be known as Magmadrowned.
-Mountainhomes.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 10, 2012, 12:15:51 am
Thank you for killing that bronze colossus
Singed, your ally
Post by: Aoi on March 10, 2012, 05:00:34 am
It is NOT necessary to create realtime engravings of the slaughter of your comrades.
However, I commend you for your dedication to your post. May you be reborn as a champion of the axe, so that your sheer tenacity may be of some value.
-----
It was a lost cause the moment Jerhq Ivoryglow, the dreaded red dragon of wealth and fire spotted our 2-year old settlement with nothing of value other than a legendary engraver. Those of you who fell upon him with your fists died a death worthy of a dwarf; those who ran screaming and... somehow died after colliding with an obstacle, may you be there to feed the flames of Armok with your flesh.
[the remainder of the note appears to be charred by dragonfire]
Post by: zehive on March 10, 2012, 07:33:42 am
Id like to say I'm impressed. You were digging a channel around the river, when you suddenly decided you were going to get into the channel. At first I figured you would just climb out, being on a big ramp and all.
But no. You stood there, in the water, and drowned.
And now the carp are looking at you like 'what the fuck?' I want your copper pick back, and I guess I'll get that when we drain the river in a few months, so we can finish the moat. Have fun being dead until I capture a necromancer, then its back to work.
Regards,
Your overlord
Post by: Schizotek on March 10, 2012, 10:30:22 am
Thankyou for your long years of guarding the front entrance of the fort. Your function will now be served by a dozen dogs. You are being reassigned to be the personal bodyguard of our new weapon smith. My dwarves are busy building a small forest around the magma forges, to make you feel more at home. This isn't cheap, so make sure this one lives. I know making sure things DON'T die isn't really "your thing", but try for daddy.
-Your biggest fan
Dear Urista McMasterweaponsmith,
I loved you. I truly did. You were so close to legendary. The candy stockpiles were ready and waiting. But you were slain by a magma crab. Which is pathetic. Your coffin will be placed in a furniture storage room.
-Your disappointed overseer.
Dear Catten McCompetentweaponsmith
We are assigning you Steelhot as personal bodyguard. This bear has more combined kills than our entire military. He is, by far, worth more than any 5 dwarves in this hellhole. Get him killed, I feed you to the vampires. Now get started on that order of 100 copper swords.
-Your wrath filled dictator.
Post by: pi_Age on March 10, 2012, 11:24:55 am
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on March 10, 2012, 07:59:51 pm
Dear f***ing idle dwarves, please don't stand in the meeting hall while it's been accidently flooded and a forgotten beast is amok in the hospital, flee damn it!
Dear Overseer;
This 'ere's our designated meeting zone and we're meeting in it. Besides, rising water just makes it easier to drink without bending over and there's a Forgotten Beast outside. We'll stay in here where it's relatively safe, thanks.
Sincerely;
The (very damp) Dwarves
Post by: Nity11 on March 11, 2012, 01:56:28 pm
When we have a fortress that snakes round a volcano and we mine into it from left and right, don't GO THROUGH THE FREAKING VOLCANO TO GET A SOCK WHEN I GAVE YOU 7 PAIRS A MONTH AGO!!!
Post by: WillowLuman on March 11, 2012, 03:07:32 pm
When I ask you to build a wall along the drawbridge, start with the edges, NOT THE MIDDLE! The wall cannot attach to the bridge, so I don't see why you would just plop the stone there and expect it to float. We are running low on stone here, stop wasting it by dropping it into the volcano!
Post by: Aoi on March 11, 2012, 06:55:38 pm
I honestly don't know how you managed it, but you managed to park the wagon on top of a mysterious spire of rock approximately 5x5units, 21 Z-levels up and in the middle of a ~30 unit river.
You have two options: Turn this spire into the world's narrowest fully operational fortress, or dig, by yourself, without food, without booze, to the mainland. Which, incidentally, is ALSO 21 Z-levels up.
In the meantime, I will be petitioning the Mountainhomes for a new outpost to manage.
Thank you,
Future Lord of Anywhere Else
Post by: htabdoolb on March 12, 2012, 05:22:14 am
Re: That "fist fight" you enjoyed starting recently
While I understand that you are very upset about losing your beloved pet to the recent goblin siege, taking out your frustrations on one of our growing fort's farmdwarves is not an acceptable way to express your feelings on the matter. I would have though that participating in the routing and near complete slaughter of said siege would have been emotional catharsis enough for you, but obviously you felt that removing one of poor Aban's arms was also necessary part of your grief therapy.
How, I ask you, is attacking one of the dwarves that feeds you and supplies the brewer who keeps you inebriated a constructive use of your abilities, training, and equipment? You could have saved that anger for the next siege or ambush which is certain to befall us before long, but I guess that would have been too much to expect from you. You've certainly proved yourself to be completely unreliable under stressful situations.
As such, you've been reassigned from front line duties to guard duty. There's a cask of
Oh, I've also scheduled some minor masonry construction and repair work on the doorway to the cellar room. It may be noisy and distracting, but don't pay it any mind. It shouldn't take very long, and after that it will be nice and quiet.
-Your irritated overseer.
Post by: Sus on March 12, 2012, 05:57:50 am
Nice job landing the wagon on top of that 1x1 spike of dirt, destroying it in the process.
I wonder, though, why you took your time after the wagon crash to build a towering pile of the surviving supplies (not that there were many) on top of said dirt spike.
Also, where's all the wood that used to be, you know, the actual wagon? >:(
-'Sus' Fikodast, your (miraculously still living, considering the way you drive) Overseer
Post by: Deus Machina on March 12, 2012, 06:58:07 am
Urist McAxedwarf not only survived the gang of crocodiles we embarked upon, he went out and killed them all as soon as we let him into the open. He single-handedly routed the first three ambushes and a siege, before the lacking military could catch up to him. He has a long list of kills, including a dragon, minotaur, and cyclops--two of those he killed with an artifact tin axe, before I could take the thing away from him in favor of something sharp.
He is the father of three--which hang around their mother becoming useful--and saved us from dehydration before he became legendary with the stabby things, and he ran out to protect the latest caravan--the one that included the diplomat that promoted you, by the way--from goblins mounted on toads, and hauled your useless fishing ass back home to that masterwork bed you love so much, to be treated with those masterwork splints.
So, if you throw one more tantrum because you are "utterly traumatized at a lesser's burial arrangements," you are going to become intimately familiar with your own.
--The Overseer, who is currently replacing your well-crafted golden statues with masterwork cheapstone ones of large roaches (which you hate) and images of you being cast out from mayor and the occurrence of your injuries.
Post by: Naryar on March 12, 2012, 10:00:10 am
When I intended to have 50 dwarves at the start of the fortress, I was expecting that number to bE 55-60 with few babies more, NOT ANOTHER WAVE OF TWENTY MORE GOOD FOR NOTHING MIGRANTS.
The overseer is angry, and is able to create magma with a flick of the thumb. So it's no surprise the last wave of migrants burned to death.
To the mountainhomes : Stop sending me your lowliest skill dwarves.
To migrants : Stop coming, damn it. I have other things to do than wasting good magma and fill up my corridors with slabs because someone can't read "population limit : 50" in the official papers.
An angry overseer.
Post by: Henrik Undrgrim on March 12, 2012, 11:11:45 am
I understand that your militadwarves work hard to protect the fortress from threats both external and internal.The tough training regimes, hard fought battles and the loss of comrades in arms has been a trial that other dwarves might not have survived and we all appreciate your personal sacrifices but could you please, for the sake of the children, ask your heroes to wear more then high bronze boots around when they have finished for the day? :o
Yours worridly
Urist McMayorcarpenter
Post by: ledgekindred on March 12, 2012, 11:48:21 am
Look, I can empathise with your feelings about that Elf merchant. I only tolerate them because they sometimes bring New and Interesting Animals. Otherwise I'd slaughter them all. Still, did you really have to punch every single one of that merchant's teeth out? I mean, you barely come up to his shin. How did you even do it? Jump? And then you didn't just punch them out, you absolutely blasted them across the landscape. Haven't you ever heard of Action and Reaction? How were you not propelled halfway across the map from the power of those punches?
Anyway, I had to kill you (for good) just so the damned merchant would leave the map. And all your little friends are dead because they came after my booze.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Baffled
Fortress Overseer of Roundcobalt
Post by: bombzero on March 12, 2012, 02:52:20 pm
I am aware that you are 'legendary' at your job, but you do not have to run into my office screaming about the latest 'Masterwork' you created, after scratching an image of cheese on the floor by my office's window.
Sincerely, you annoyed mayor.
(for those curious, this is how i imagined the scene of my engrave running back and forth making engraving inside than outside of my mayors office.
Post by: olopi on March 12, 2012, 03:05:19 pm
Dear Urist Mcengraver,
I am aware that you are 'legendary' at your job, but you do not have to run into my office screaming about the latest 'Masterwork' you created, after scratching an image of cheese on the floor by my office's window.
Sincerely, you annoyed mayor.
(for those curious, this is how i imagined the scene of my engrave running back and forth making engraving inside than outside of my mayors office.
Made my Day xD
Post by: bombzero on March 12, 2012, 03:07:22 pm
Post by: wierd on March 12, 2012, 03:17:35 pm
Dear Urist McSocklover
When we have a fortress that snakes round a volcano and we mine into it from left and right, don't GO THROUGH THE FREAKING VOLCANO TO GET A SOCK WHEN I GAVE YOU 7 PAIRS A MONTH AGO!!!
Dear overseer,
Perhaps I should remind you of the current lack of any ability with which to wash clothing, and exactly how terrible a pair of socks can get in a month's time.
It should be a testiment to how desperate we are to get away from the miasma released while changing the stiff, foetid rags you refer to as XXsocksXX, that we would prefer the odor and sensation of our own flesh being blistered and burned away by molten rock, in our desperation to reach the new pair just on the other side.
Please consider these things in the future, and hurry up with that slab! It is very disconcerting being an etherial spectre.
Yours, ghostly McSockhauler
Post by: Aoi on March 12, 2012, 04:38:43 pm
I understand you want to siege me. After all, your diplomat died while visiting. However, did your guards, who immediately fled, inform you that he died due to a pair of frost giants paying a friendly visit?
However, after THREE YEARS of siege, it should be clear that you aren't going to succeed. Especially when I've walled myself in with my self-sufficient farms, houses and prolific breeders. The trouble this time is that I did not have the chance to restock on bolts, and every single one
Ultimately though, I really don't mind if you want to camp on my front lawn for the next few years. It's just... your presence does something strange to the flow of time around my fortress and slows down time to half of what it was previously. Please, just go away or die already.
Thank you,
The Wet Lord Who Is Currently Drying Out This Fortress For The Third Time
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on March 12, 2012, 05:15:24 pm
To: Meatbags of Smoothbanners Outpost
RE: My election as Mayor
Vampire, suckers! Line up and prepare for feeding!
wait.
You walled me in five years ago.
Shit.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 12, 2012, 06:50:36 pm
Why, after a forgotten beast had been sitting there for 3 months in that now deserted corner of the fortress, did you decide to throw a party at the cobaltite well? We have safely managed to evacuate that section and delve many new apartments for those that fled, and the beast was happy to just sit there in the well room. Until you and 20 workers decided to lead it into the populated part of the fort.
Sincerely, The Overseer.
PS: Send my regards to Obum's family, this escape tunnel he dug for me 2 months before his untimely death by the beast is really superb.
Post by: Adrian on March 12, 2012, 07:12:23 pm
you have only two jobs: To manage the work orders and to do the twice-a-year-trading. So when traders arrive you will drop what you are doing and GET TO THE DEPOT! You will under no circumstance spend the month sleeping or on break.
It's your fault the militia doesn't have steel armor, and if it happens again next year you're going magma-diving.
-Overseer
Post by: bukitodinos on March 12, 2012, 07:46:47 pm
Post by: Schizotek on March 12, 2012, 09:28:05 pm
When I modded your caste in, I meant for you to be a disposable berserker to use against the orks. And indeed, most of your brother Jotun have died of extremely slow blood loss, a side effect of you have NO healing abilities whatsoever and being nearly impervious to damage. I did not mean for you to be a disposable groundhog slayer. I know the random number god is an asshole...but come on dude. Your 30% larger than the average dwarf. Your a master axedwarf, your super strong, your made of win and awesome. Granted I removed the ability for you to learn how to use armor and shields. But still. A GLORIFIED CHIPMUNK KILLED YOU. I question whether I'm even going to inter you in Jotunheim.
-YOUR LORD AND MASTER.(Who has been having a ball making custom castes lately.)
Post by: Darkening Kaos on March 13, 2012, 02:50:00 am
I understand that the walk across 2/3's of the embark is hot and thirsty work, but I would appreciate it if, when arriving at the spot that you chose to dig, that you actually swung your pick, just once, and dug that channel.
But no. Once arriving, you decided you were thirsty and walked all the way back to the still, drank a barrel dry, paused for a moment in an attempt to try and remember what you were doing - and possibly your own name - before walking all the way over to the channel, digging out two squares, and deciding you needed a kip before continuing, going all the way back to your as-yet-sparse room.
I'll make you a cheese-maker/recruit if you don't pull up your ☼fibre reed socks☼
Signed,
Lord of All-things, (even socks).
Post by: Aoi on March 13, 2012, 06:05:49 pm
Goblin Ambush 1: Stop shooting down all my migrants. The ghosts are getting annoying, and we don't believe in slabs here.
Frost Wyrm 1: Thank you for killing Goblin Ambush 1. Now, please stop turning my immigrants into popsicles.
Goblin Ambush 2: You did absolutely nothing to Frost Wyrm 1, other than fill its gullet.
Forgotten Beast 3: Not only did you melt Frost Wyrm 1, but you also burned down all the trees outside. Ordinarily uncool, but I haven't stepped outside at all this year, so I'll just take it in stride.
Frost Wyrm 2: I have no idea how you managed to kill a fire-breathing Forgotten Beast 3, but congratulations. Maybe the plants outside can regrow now.
Forgotten Beast 4: I know it said you showed up, but did you actually just walk in and walk back out before I could even find you?
Werebeast 1: You regenerate your wounds when you change form. Not when you freeze solid.
Seige 1 (Undead): You should be ashamed of yourself. Over 40 zombies, and Frost Wyrm 2 still managed to run away after killing most of you?
Seige 2 (Human): Why did you enter on the far opposite side of the remaining undead? And please don't just sit there in the corner the entire time, that's kind of boring. Look-- I didn't even use traps.
Red Dragon 1: Thank you for breaking that human siege after a year and then promptly dying. Finally, I can open my gates. I take that back. While penning this note, it seems that Siege 3 (Human) has begin.
Forgotten Beasts 1 and 2: You've been running around on a tiny bit of shore in the underground caverns for five years. You're never, never, never, never going to get to me. Please do something else with your lives.
Ms. Elf Woman: I trapped you in that trade depot TWO YEARS AGO. All your partners are dead. You killed the animals you brought with you in a brawl for some reason. After all this time, the only thing you have to say is 'I'm thirsty.'? If you weren't so tall, I might draft you into my army. Admittedly, they tend to die glorious deaths shortly thereafter, but you ARE still elven.
Thank you,
...Intrigued.
Post by: Lagslayer on March 13, 2012, 08:52:37 pm
Post by: llasram on March 14, 2012, 06:26:20 pm
please, i know we dont have beds yet, but refrain from falling asleep in the area that will be flooded with magma, it does tend to make the others sad, and if you wait long enough, we will start making beds
Yours truely,
Expedition leader
Post by: krg on March 14, 2012, 09:37:01 pm
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?
My mind. It is ruined by the image of a dwarf wearing an extremely expensive condom.
Why have you done this to me!?
Dear overlord,
not just a condom sir.
this is a hand crafted, solid silk, gem studded, dwarven pregnancy prevention device.
Gamo.
Post by: ledgekindred on March 15, 2012, 12:06:13 pm
What is wrong with you?! The whole reason you are engraving the dining and meeting areas is to prevent a tantrum spiral from having lost half our military to the latest zombie invasion. Why in the world would you then decide to engrave pictures of zombies striking down our dwarfs? Are you trying to invoke a tantrum spiral? We've had many successes against ambushes and sieges. We took down a web-spitting forgotten beast and have some very nice forgotten beast silk cloth now. Can't you pick something like one of those to use as inspiration for your engraving? Half my fort is related to one another and now they will all get to see pictures of their friends and families being struck down by undead goblins every time they sit down for a meal or visit the well. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Irritatedly,
Omniscient Overseer
Post by: Naryar on March 15, 2012, 12:36:29 pm
Will you stop being a complete and utter retard and, when you have linked two moats, one containing magma, NOT cross the moat you just dug, because you have detected no magma in it when one second before crossing, resulting in you dying from the burns of idiocy more than magma ?
Angrily,
Your (severely worried about your intuition) overseer
Post by: Raikaria on March 15, 2012, 12:56:58 pm
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 15, 2012, 09:18:48 pm
Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Ugh I got the same problem!
Post by: Kogut on March 16, 2012, 03:03:51 am
Is it an evil biome?Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Ugh I got the same problem!
Post by: Nostril actor on March 16, 2012, 04:32:18 am
Please continue throwing yourselves over the waterfall of 31z levels. Please continue ignoring the bridge built literally 1 space from the edge...
Yours truly,
Magical God to which 56 dwarves have wagered an embark (or reclaim) with
Post by: Raikaria on March 16, 2012, 05:11:00 am
Is it an evil biome?Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Ugh I got the same problem!
Nope, it was calm. There was just a spontanious combustion.
Post by: Kogut on March 16, 2012, 07:06:35 am
Than it is probably a new bug - to fix this upload savegame to DFFD and create a bug on a bugtracker (you may try searching but AFAIK combustion is a new problem).Is it an evil biome?Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Ugh I got the same problem!
Nope, it was calm. There was just a spontanious combustion.
Post by: Lagslayer on March 16, 2012, 08:15:44 am
Post by: Akura on March 17, 2012, 01:30:33 pm
WHY did you claim the +2000☼ decorated +steel battle axe+ I bought from the caravan specifcially for our axe squad-leader? Argh, now I can't reassign it.
Dear Urist McSquadLeader,
Either drop that useless (copper axe), or go over to Urist McSquadleader and shove it into somewhere debilitating and painful and take your +steel battle axe+. Seriously, go do it. NOW.
Post by: GoldenShadow on March 17, 2012, 02:04:24 pm
Post by: Greiger on March 17, 2012, 02:06:53 pm
RE: The eagle
That was a very nice shot, and the dead bird even managed to fall down the central shaft in the fortress. They should make a sport out of that.
Unfortunately, at the bottom of that shaft is the water cistern. And now everybody is complaining that the water tastes like dead bird.
Please cut down on the showboating.
The Administration.
Post by: krenshala on March 17, 2012, 09:21:43 pm
Dear Urists' McMilitia Members,
The Stray Bunny is making you look bad! Start killing them instead of teasing them!
Your slightly annoyed overseer.
Post by: GoldenShadow on March 18, 2012, 08:09:09 am
Post by: Akura on March 18, 2012, 01:06:28 pm
turn off his woodcutting labor and the military should upgrade when the woodcutter bins it.Tried. Hell, I tried removing the axe from the axedwarf, but neither of them would drop it, even when I forbid both.
Whatever, I've already made replacement steel weapons for the entire military, except the crossbow squad who had to make do with iron.
Post by: ObeseHelmet on March 18, 2012, 04:41:22 pm
Would you just stop freaking out at seeing the amphibian men and dig the damn stairway to the caverns? You've already seen them like 20 times, and frankly I don't give a crap if they tear you apart. Just do it and I'll . . . um . . . give you, like, a fancy silver statue or something.
Sincerely,
Armok the Vile Overseer (aka me)
Post by: mikelon on March 18, 2012, 04:59:39 pm
We are certainly impressed, when we ruptured the HFS and sent our 3 squads of adamantine warriors to fight them we thought for certain that they could handle most of the demons, unfortunately half of them attacked the food stockpile and as such the fort was left defenseless, or so i thought.
You dogsquad consisting of 80 wardogs that we stationed in the first cavern as way to protect civies from troglodtytes, you killed 42 demons, and gave the masons time to wall off that part of the fort. Your careless actions have earned your kin the highest of honors, a gold floored, room decorated with silver statues of dogs for your pen.
The administration
Post by: potatato on March 18, 2012, 10:01:00 pm
Stop having children. That is all.
Post by: Deepblade on March 18, 2012, 10:16:07 pm
Procreating with dogs is not as cool as it sounds. That werewolf baby you had really did a number on the fort. Many people got dehydrated or ripped apart by Junior.
Sincerely,
Your Expedition leader.
Post by: Schizotek on March 18, 2012, 10:39:25 pm
I hope your happy with yourself. How did you think you were going to get into my fort unnoticed? Theres one entrance, surrounded by tamed animals, and- oh yeah- YOUR TWENTY FEET TALL. AND BRIGHT RED. ON FIRE. And now I have to start a new test-fort. Because you lit a dog on fire. Who lit the entire fucking world on fire. Which started a tantrum spiral. Thanks for wasting two hours of testing time, you miserable fuck.
-The unhappy god who coded you into existence.
Post by: Robsoie on March 18, 2012, 10:46:22 pm
Do you remember why i told you that ? No, really ?
(http://i.imgur.com/38t8Es.jpg) (http://i.imgur.com/38t8E.jpg)
Now i guess you remember.
Post by: Schizotek on March 18, 2012, 10:48:18 pm
Did I win?
-Urist McRecruit
Post by: Robsoie on March 18, 2012, 11:09:39 pm
I don't think so.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on March 18, 2012, 11:18:14 pm
Dear Muspel McThief-
I hope your happy with yourself. How did you think you were going to get into my fort unnoticed? Theres one entrance, surrounded by tamed animals, and- oh yeah- YOUR TWENTY FEET TALL. AND BRIGHT RED. ON FIRE. And now I have to start a new test-fort. Because you lit a dog on fire. Who lit the entire fucking world on fire. Which started a tantrum spiral. Thanks for wasting two hours of testing time, you miserable fuck.
-The unhappy god who coded you into existence.
I just want to set the world on fire
Sincerely; Muspel McThief.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 18, 2012, 11:19:41 pm
Please turn the music down. It's scaring all the dwarves standing on the stairway.
--Your upstairs neighbors
Post by: Schizotek on March 20, 2012, 10:47:05 pm
Your foe is gigantic, well-trained, and armored in steel. He can breath fire. He believes, rather understandably, that the odds are on his side. Let him believe what he will. We have the crossbows on ours.
-The overseer. Who after one test fort decided Muspel don't get to have ranged weapons in addition to being immortal and gigantic fire breathers.
Post by: jaxy15 on March 23, 2012, 07:48:45 am
We were about to train that bobcat until you adopted it. If I see you do that again, you will help the animal trainers train exotic animals.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: miauw62 on March 23, 2012, 07:50:36 am
iiiiiii only want soooocks!Dear Muspel McThief-
I hope your happy with yourself. How did you think you were going to get into my fort unnoticed? Theres one entrance, surrounded by tamed animals, and- oh yeah- YOUR TWENTY FEET TALL. AND BRIGHT RED. ON FIRE. And now I have to start a new test-fort. Because you lit a dog on fire. Who lit the entire fucking world on fire. Which started a tantrum spiral. Thanks for wasting two hours of testing time, you miserable fuck.
-The unhappy god who coded you into existence.
I just want to set the world on fire
Sincerely; Muspel McThief.
Post by: Olith McHuman on March 24, 2012, 02:51:44 am
Throwing a tantrum and destroying the drawbridge you are standing on is both very stupid and highly amusing.
Especially when the drawbridge is over a 10 z-level pit.
Post by: Schizotek on March 24, 2012, 04:10:26 am
Congratulations. After considerable effort (and horrific losses). You have finally vanquished the Nidhoggr. Those of you who aren't running around melting and lighting my fort on fire quickly make your way to the dwarven therapist, and your new "totally not stolen from our nobles" legendary rooms. I'd like to test the Fenrir and Sleipnir with this fort too. And quit whining, a little magma-blood never hurt anyone... Except you guys. You know I retract that statement altogether.
-Your satisfied overseer
Dear Nobles of Angelspear-
Enjoy your 3x3 apartments in the general quarters. OR ELSE.
-The god who will make you pull a deathlever if you start getting uppity
Post by: malroth on March 24, 2012, 04:26:04 am
I want a rematch, If you're out of warriors i'll settle for uppity nobles.
Sincerely the Nidhoggr
Post by: Corai on March 24, 2012, 04:36:49 am
NO I WONT GET YOU A WINDOW, I GOT NO SAND!
-Overseer
Post by: jaxy15 on March 24, 2012, 04:42:51 am
Dear MayorDear Overseer,
NO I WONT GET YOU A WINDOW, I GOT NO SAND!
-Overseer
I DON'T CARE IF WE HAVE NO SAND, I WANT THAT WINDOW AND I WANT IT NOW.
Sincerely, the mayor.
Post by: Corai on March 24, 2012, 04:53:30 am
Dear MayorDear Overseer,
NO I WONT GET YOU A WINDOW, I GOT NO SAND!
-Overseer
I DON'T CARE IF WE HAVE NO SAND, I WANT THAT WINDOW AND I WANT IT NOW.
Sincerely, the mayor.
Dear Major
Actually, I made a shaft to send the window! Ignore the heat pull that lever to get it! Dont mind your room is being walled in....
-Overseer
Post by: Schizotek on March 24, 2012, 05:10:51 am
Dear Residents of Angelspear
I want a rematch, If you're out of warriors i'll settle for uppity nobles.
Sincerely the Nidhoggr
Nidhoggr-
That was a rematch. And you only killed 23 dwarves this time. 4 of them were legendary. Dick. And all of my drakes, however many that was. But they were kinda useless.
-The dude whos making helms out of your hilariously expensive bones
Post by: jaxy15 on March 24, 2012, 05:26:37 am
We dropped that troglodyte into the channel so you could kill it. Why the hell did you let it beat you up? Last time I checked, our metalcrafter who is now a ranger trained you pretty good.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Darkening Kaos on March 24, 2012, 05:40:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Bembul Uzolginet,
Life is all about timing.
From the immaterial desk of;
The Lord of All-Things.
Post by: Splint on March 24, 2012, 05:41:04 am
If the Giant Wolf Spiders are scaring you so much, sac up and kill them yourself or wait for Captain Turris to come beat them to death with his Autogun, or quit spamming canclation messages about not being able to get a drink from the well., or alternativly drink the bottled water in the fucking watr purifier like a normal person.
And Convallis, hurry the hell up with the digging. i know you're working alone since we forgot to bring spar rockdrills, but we need our pill boxes and rockcrete for necessities and forge fuel.
Sincerly,
Lacinia ' Splint ' Harenventus, your Overseer.
Dear Giant Wolf Spiders,
Can you please leave my poor hivers alone? You keep scaring the piss out of them while they chop trees or get water and I don't have enough bullets to kill you lot.
Signed -see previous signature-
Post by: Greiger on March 24, 2012, 08:47:47 pm
Congratulations on your induction into my 'I hate you' list. I havent had a single non civilised critter cripple so many fortress residents. Usually I send in the military by the 2nd one. But you are benefiting from your unique habitat in that my crossbowguys can't see through the magma to shoot you, and my melee guys can't get to you to stab you.
So far you have severely wounded or permanently crippled 2 furnace operators, my fortress' only competent weaponsmith, 2 members of the crossbow squad and a paramedic.
So far no deaths thanks to the quick working medical team. But keep it up and I'll do something horrible to you like...uh....flood you with magma?....Crap. I'll think of something. You are on notice buster.
The administration of WaterGate.
Post by: martinuzz on March 24, 2012, 08:54:24 pm
How many times now have I told you.
DO NOT GIVE BIRTH WHILE STANDING IN THE DANGER ROOM
Hmmm. Looking at your profile, it seems this is the first time I'm telling you this.
Well then. Let this be a lesson. Now please go and speak to your remaining son about that tantrum hes about to throw, and tell him to stop whining about his little dead sister who he never even met, and put on some pants.
Post by: wastedlands on March 24, 2012, 09:36:28 pm
To that damn Magma Crab.
Congratulations on your induction into my 'I hate you' list. I havent had a single non civilised critter cripple so many fortress residents. Usually I send in the military by the 2nd one. But you are benefiting from your unique habitat in that my crossbowguys can't see through the magma to shoot you, and my melee guys can't get to you to stab you.
So far you have severely wounded or permanently crippled 2 furnace operators, my fortress' only competent weaponsmith, 2 members of the crossbow squad and a paramedic.
So far no deaths thanks to the quick working medical team. But keep it up and I'll do something horrible to you like...uh....flood you with magma?....Crap. I'll think of something. You are on notice buster.
The administration of WaterGate.
(Written on the legbone of Urist McPermaCrippled)
To Admin WaterGate:
Come at me, I could always use another xXCatLeatherThongXx. Next time though, tell your dwarves to put on some pants.
Yours forever, that Damned Magma Crab.
Post by: Splint on March 24, 2012, 09:50:11 pm
To: Overseer
All of us in the infirmary have talke dit out. We vote you obsidianize that magma crab's ass when you get the chance.
Sincerely,
Urist McInjured
Post by: luisedgm on March 24, 2012, 09:57:21 pm
WHEN I TELL YOU TO PLACE THAT ARTIFACT IN THE PLATINUM BIN THAT IS IN THE ARTIFACT STOCKPILE RIGHT BEHIND YOU DONT RUN TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FORT TO GET A DAMN WOODEN BIN AND USE IT TO STORE THE ARTIFACT.
Sincerely,
An Enraged Overseer.
Post by: TheeBaconman on March 24, 2012, 11:28:45 pm
That jeweler is not resting in the coffin, he is stinking up the main hallway in the jeweler's workshop where he stayed. After you told me he was gone for a week, and you discovered him shortly after. But then, nobody brought him to the coffin. I was prepared to go on a vampire hunt, but you ruined the fun with your stupidity.
It's bad enough we're at peace with the gobbos, and the thieves and snatchers get caught by the masons or cats.
Hatefully, your overlord.
P.S. But considering our fort's safety, I have decided to be slightly adventurous. Don't worry, not at all as adventurous as you have heard of other forts (the master bookkeeper cannot calculate the appropriate low percent this project will be), but there may be
P.S.S. We are all going to hell. Literally. That is all.
Post by: jaxy15 on March 25, 2012, 02:53:47 am
Please, just breed. We catch several mole dogs every season, and we train them well. Just breed for once.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Corai on March 25, 2012, 05:16:12 am
STOP SCARING MY FISHERDWARFS, YOU CANT EVEN MOVE.
Love, Overseer
Post by: jaxler on March 25, 2012, 10:22:57 am
To that damn Magma Crab.
Congratulations on your induction into my 'I hate you' list. I havent had a single non civilised critter cripple so many fortress residents. Usually I send in the military by the 2nd one. But you are benefiting from your unique habitat in that my crossbowguys can't see through the magma to shoot you, and my melee guys can't get to you to stab you.
So far you have severely wounded or permanently crippled 2 furnace operators, my fortress' only competent weaponsmith, 2 members of the crossbow squad and a paramedic.
So far no deaths thanks to the quick working medical team. But keep it up and I'll do something horrible to you like...uh....flood you with magma?....Crap. I'll think of something. You are on notice buster.
The administration of WaterGate.
Dear administer of Watergate:
If magma won't work, then obsidianize the sick bastards.
from: mechanics guild
Post by: Terratoch on March 25, 2012, 05:04:03 pm
RE: Battle Axes
Body:
Those adamantine battle axes are for our military. Not for you. The axes you have function perfectly well for what you use them for: cutting down trees.
If you continue to insist on laying claim to axes expressly constructed for our military, you will be drafted, and put on the forefront during the next siege with those axes you love so much.
And. Nothing. Else.
Kindly yours,
-The Management.
Post by: Roonerspism on March 25, 2012, 11:02:33 pm
Please stop kicking other water buffalo in the face and wrestling with babies,
it's getting kind of messy and i can not gurantee your safety
from a dwarf who is sharpening his knives
Post by: GoldenShadow on March 25, 2012, 11:05:55 pm
Whats your freaking problem? I am 80% complete with my steel pumpstack and you show up and destroy the bottom and collapse the whole thing. FUUUUUUU
Then you insta kill a legendary axedwarf and a elite marksdwarf with a single kick to the face each before being torn apart by a single bolt.
You are made out of WATER! and you didn't even leave a corpse to butcher.
Everytime one of my guys finally trains up to legendary, one of you guys shows up to delay my militias progress. I opted to kill you because my pump stack was vulnerable. If I hadn't been deceived of your true strength, since you are made out of freaking water, I would have just let you come into the cave-in trap corridoor.
Post by: Corai on March 25, 2012, 11:29:22 pm
Dear Lerdi Simonaquuv Mobmuost, Forgotten Beast,
Whats your freaking problem? I am 80% complete with my steel pumpstack and you show up and destroy the bottom and collapse the whole thing. FUUUUUUU
Then you insta kill a legendary axedwarf and a elite marksdwarf with a single kick to the face each before being torn apart by a single bolt.
You are made out of WATER! and you didn't even leave a corpse to butcher.
Everytime one of my guys finally trains up to legendary, one of you guys shows up to delay my militias progress. I opted to kill you because my pump stack was vulnerable. If I hadn't deceived me of your true strength by being made out of freaking water. I would have just let you come into the cave-in trap corridoor.
Dear Overseer
I found it entertaining to cause you chaos and feel no guilt, now if you dont mind let me enjoy my life as food for moss before I have to push your dwarves to death
Sincerly, the late Lerdi Simonaquuv Mobmuost, Forgotten Beast,
Post by: ledgekindred on March 26, 2012, 11:26:55 am
Really? SIX of you become legendary soldiers while trying to kill a single undead kitten. How hard could it be? Really hard, apparently. I'm not sure why you swordsdwarves and speardwarves had such a hard time at it. Oh wait, it's because you did not use your weapons while wrestling the legless head and body. In case you didn't notice, the entire rest of the fort fell into chaos and undeath while you were playing hot potato with a kitten ball. Thanks a bunch.
Dear Evil Soot Kitten,
F(duck noise)k you.
Angrily,
Evil Overseer of Nothing Anymore
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on March 26, 2012, 08:25:33 pm
Dear Military,
Really? SIX of you become legendary soldiers while trying to kill a single undead kitten. How hard could it be? Really hard, apparently. I'm not sure why you swordsdwarves and speardwarves had such a hard time at it. Oh wait, it's because you did not use your weapons while wrestling the legless head and body. In case you didn't notice, the entire rest of the fort fell into chaos and undeath while you were playing hot potato with a kitten ball. Thanks a bunch.
Dear Evil Soot Kitten,
F(duck noise)k you.
Angrily,
Evil Overseer of Nothing Anymore
Dear Overseer:
Urist McLegendarySoldier cancels reply: KITTY!x6
Post by: Corai on March 26, 2012, 09:49:00 pm
Dear Military,
Really? SIX of you become legendary soldiers while trying to kill a single undead kitten. How hard could it be? Really hard, apparently. I'm not sure why you swordsdwarves and speardwarves had such a hard time at it. Oh wait, it's because you did not use your weapons while wrestling the legless head and body. In case you didn't notice, the entire rest of the fort fell into chaos and undeath while you were playing hot potato with a kitten ball. Thanks a bunch.
Dear Evil Soot Kitten,
F(duck noise)k you.
Angrily,
Evil Overseer of Nothing Anymore
Dear Overseer:
Urist McLegendarySoldier cancels reply: KITTY!x6
Dear Overseer
Urist McZombieKitty cancels beg for help-AAAAAAAAHx100
Post by: ydaraishy on March 26, 2012, 10:11:21 pm
Stop crying about not having clothes to wear. There's a dozen tunics and trousers and shoes lying about.
- Your Exasperated Overlord
Post by: tahujdt on March 26, 2012, 10:26:19 pm
Post by: malroth on March 27, 2012, 12:58:11 am
Ursit Mc Red Clearance Is a Communist, Mutant, Traitor and his visit to the blue statue gardens is only the most recent attempt to overthow your society. Please allow me to apply a coating of a lovely color appropiate to his rank liquid to him in order to help prevent his sedition from spreading.
Signed
Ursit mc green but would like to be blue clearance level.
Post by: tahujdt on March 27, 2012, 03:56:32 am
Post by: eataTREE on March 27, 2012, 12:39:03 pm
We appreciate that, unlike migrants in days gone bye, you have chosen to bring items of actual value to Heartfire instead of just your useless hungry mouths. By all means, encourage your friends in the Mountainhomes to bring several hundred trinkets each with them; the Elves and Humans love this stuff and are keeping us well-supplied with luxuries in trade. However, we are somewhat less pleased by your habit of leaving them all in a pile on the ground, well outside the fortress gates. The storehouse for trinkets and finished goods is on Level -3, right above the crafting hall. You hauled this junk all the way from the Mountainhome, you can haul it the rest of the way across the map and into the damn stockpile. If this behavior is not corrected, new migrants who can't be bothered to stow their own belongings will be assigned to Outside Guard duty where they may defend with their lives the endless stream of dwarves venturing out into the open to clean up their mess.
Dear Dwarves of Heartforge,
Yes, I know, there's +Elf Bone Bling+ out there times a hundred. But everyone is so busy bringing it in from the edge of the map where the useless new migrants keep dumping it that no one is doing any actual work, and we are about to run out of food and booze. What would you rather have, another -Blizzard Man Nail Bracelet- in a bin keeping company the dozen we've already got, or something to eat and drink tonight? Oh, never mind, you are the guys who don't care if a goblin cuts your head off if you can only get your grubby little mitts on your dead buddy's socks, why did I even ask.
Post by: wierd on March 27, 2012, 01:10:56 pm
Dear Urist McGreen, thank you for your concern, but you will stay where you are. Herbalists and woodcutters are permanently green. (In the game, green was the lowest at which you could go outside, and you'd better have had a damn good reason.) Urist McRed will be "promoted" to the troubleshooters, and given a -rough wood training sword-.
RE: Corridor restrictions
From: Urist McRedClearance
To: Friend Computer
Please forgive the unintentional breach in security. Due to the resulting confusion of purposefully redesignating corridors for the purposes of thwarting the illegal activities of malcontents and criminals of the alpha complex, I was inadvertantly led to believe that the blue level corridor leading to the blue level statue garden was in fact red level clearance, due to the recent application of "sticky red paint". It is not our place to question the mighty computer, or its policies. Clearly, I was mistaken in believing that said statue garden was red clearance, and that your enlightened leadership had ordered it redesignated to my clearance level.
The freshness of the "paint" was concerning, but your subroutines are beyond reproach, so smiled and accepted what I saw as fact. I was however, deeply disturbed by what appeared to be an illegal hacking device, and a "red painted" security bot hastilly stuffed into a corner. Due to the recent events, I have filed a complete report!
Post by: tahujdt on March 27, 2012, 01:55:37 pm
Post by: tahujdt on March 27, 2012, 01:55:53 pm
Post by: Splint on March 27, 2012, 03:27:03 pm
Dear Hiver McDumbass,
That wild grox is NOT your friend. Stop trying to get water from the river near it, as it already hospitalized 2 woodcutters and a fisherman.
Thank you,
Settlment Governor.
Dear Wild Grox Bull
GTFO, UR KILLEN MAH D00DZ
Naw, but seriosuly. Get the hell away from my settelment. You're scaring everyone and hospitalizing vital workers.
Sincerly,
That angry human git with the funny tablet.
Post by: Garath on March 27, 2012, 03:31:01 pm
anyway, communist hunting is about 40 years late. Oligarchie (sp?) is the way to go.
Post by: tahujdt on March 27, 2012, 04:01:56 pm
Post by: Splint on March 27, 2012, 05:39:04 pm
Sorry, the double post is because i was posting from a cell phone.
Ah. Understandable. and now, another note!
Dear Urist McDyingInjuredHunter: Perhaps picking a fight with a giant kangaroo was a touch stupid hmm?
And now you get to suffer from the stellar care of the fort's medical staff:Urist McBroker the imprmptu diagnostician, and Urist McWoodcutter the improvised suturer/wound dresser.
Sincerly,
your annoyed overseer.
Dear Urist McDoctor
Please patch up the expert hunter. I need him to train marksdorf infantry.
Sighned,
[SEE ABOVE]
Post by: Corai on March 27, 2012, 08:45:00 pm
Quote
Ah. Understandable. and now, another note!
Dear Urist McDyingInjuredHunter: Perhaps picking a fight with a giant kangaroo was a touch stupid hmm?
And now you get to suffer from the stellar care of the fort's medical staff:Urist McBroker the imprmptu diagnostician, and Urist McWoodcutter the improvised suturer/wound dresser.
Sincerly,
your annoyed overseer.
Dear Urist McDoctor
Please patch up the expert hunter. I need him to train marksdorf infantry.
Sighned,
[SEE ABOVE]
Dear Overseer,
Well excuse me for trying to feed my fellow dwarf!
Signed, Urist McDyingInjuredHunter
Post by: wierd on March 27, 2012, 08:56:31 pm
While I, and all the other residents of our fine fortress appreciate how a slab of wild boar meat can greatly enhance the delights of a *plump helmet roast*, the plump helmets themselves are more than sufficient in their own right in keeping body and beard together.
Which brings us to exactly the problem at hand. As the overseer I am responsible for keeping body and beard together in one piece. Racing off into the dangers of the outside world for the sole benefit of a luxury and suffering serious injuries requiring emergency treatment are actions directly opposed to this goal. I had hoped that you would understand why I wanted you to avoid it in the future.
Your loving overseer.
Post by: Dawnofdarkness on March 27, 2012, 09:04:00 pm
Attention 42 migrants that just arrived. It would be in your best interests to NOT jump off of the waterfall upon arriving.
The bridge to the other side of the river will be completed as soon as the carpenter returns from his individual combat drills. upon him finishing and building the bridge you could have crossed onto the other side and then crossed the second bridge leading INTO the fortress.
Signed,
One Pissed Off Overseer.
Post by: mikelon on March 27, 2012, 09:51:09 pm
We find it hilarious how you always arive right behind the stream on the left side of the map
We find it doubly hilarious how you never notice that there are roughly 200 zombies stranded there with you, cant you see them? you should be able to as they litter every available space on the river bank
Our markdwarves appreciate the live target practice
Post by: Olith McHuman on March 27, 2012, 10:37:30 pm
Why did you decide that the best path to take from the mountain homes was the path that took you through the evil biome?
Signed, the Overseer who is only going to bury you once you get back up and try to walk through the barracks. Shouldn't take long.
Dear totally not vampire migrant,
Judging by the fact that everyone else is still running away in terror from zombies that are too slow to catch them, and judging by the fact that your pants are dry, I'm guessing that you are a vampire. Welcome to the ranks of the Eternal Pump Operators!
Post by: tahujdt on March 27, 2012, 10:42:23 pm
Post by: Greiger on March 27, 2012, 10:44:31 pm
(http://tnypic.net/images/519c5.png) (http://tnypic.net/)
Let's see you figure that one out. P.S. The "D"s are the folks looking out for you.
The administration.
Post by: Urist McBeanie on March 28, 2012, 12:08:59 am
Please do not all charge outside to get a drink of water, rather than drinking our glorious supply of plump helmet wine, in the middle of a goblin siege.
Post by: Splint on March 28, 2012, 12:46:07 am
Dear UristMcEverybody,
Please do not all charge outside to get a drink of water, rather than drinking our glorious supply of plump helmet wine, in the middle of a goblin siege.
Dear Overseer
We're sick of wine. Even water sound refreshing after a year of only that crap.
From,
Everyone.
Post by: Sus on March 28, 2012, 12:53:32 am
They are called workshops for a reason. Now quit lounging about and get to it, before I buy me a «☼silver scourge☼» from the caravan!
- Your Increasingly Impatient Overseer
P.S. the same goes double for you useless, lazy hauling and meat industry bums!
Post by: jaxy15 on March 28, 2012, 05:23:53 am
Please, walk around the cage traps. We already have too many of you.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Splint on March 28, 2012, 03:43:27 pm
Dear wild naked mole dogs,
Please, walk around the cage traps. We already have too many of you.
Sincerely, the overseer.
-Barely intelligible words that seem to be gnawed into the rock found with a moledog-
DaEr OvveRSEEar
ForT Wahrm. Caves cOlD. WAnT WaHrm.
MollDOgS
Post by: GoldenShadow on March 28, 2012, 04:31:29 pm
Dear wild naked mole dogs,
Please, walk around the cage traps. We already have too many of you.
Sincerely, the overseer.
-Barely intelligible words that seem to be gnawed into the rock found with a moledog-
DaEr OvveRSEEar
ForT Wahrm. Caves cOlD. WAnT WaHrm.
MollDOgS
Oh, you want warm? How about magma?
Post by: WillowLuman on March 28, 2012, 09:33:15 pm
What the hell are you? WHY YOU NO DIE!?
Sincerely, the Lord of Mud.
Post by: Corai on March 28, 2012, 09:37:23 pm
Why you take my sister What you do with her.
-Signed, UristMc4yearold
Post by: wierd on March 28, 2012, 09:41:03 pm
We took her to a land of wonder and excitement! You can come too if you like! All you have to do is ride in goblinclaus's magic bag!
Gobbo McGoblin, snatcher 1st class.
Post by: ydaraishy on March 28, 2012, 10:25:52 pm
It baffles me why you thought standing on the frozen river to fish in the thawed water just as the ice was about to melt was a good idea. And that's after you apparently tried to strand yourself on the other side but fortuitously decided to stop fishing in the empty pool. And this not a week into our settlement in this fairy-besotted forest, and without you catching one godsdamned mussel. That got our outpost off to a fair start, didn't it.
Looking forward to eating cockroaches next month,
Urist McExpeditionLeader
EDIT: Well, apparently he made it out alive now, which is a relief. Hopefully he doesn't do something that stupid again.
Post by: Lagslayer on March 28, 2012, 11:07:48 pm
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,That's why I always carve escape ramps in the local river and murky ponds.
It baffles me why you thought standing on the frozen river to fish in the thawed water just as the ice was about to melt was a good idea. And that's after you apparently tried to strand yourself on the other side but fortuitously decided to stop fishing in the empty pool. And this not a week into our settlement in this fairy-besotted forest, and without you catching one godsdamned mussel. That got our outpost off to a fair start, didn't it.
Looking forward to eating cockroaches next month,
Urist McExpeditionLeader
EDIT: Well, apparently he made it out alive now, which is a relief. Hopefully he doesn't do something that stupid again.
Dear urist mc4yearold,I never thought of goblin snatchers as pedophiles before. How foolish I was.
We took her to a land of wonder and excitement! You can come too if you like! All you have to do is ride in goblinclaus's magic bag!
Gobbo McGoblin, snatcher 1st class.
Post by: EmeraldWind on March 29, 2012, 12:08:21 am
I understand you're upset, I would be too if I was naked.
But instead of throwing bins of clothes at everyone else,
just take a second and put some on.
Sincerely,
Mr. McOverseer
PS: Please, if you are going to stay mad leave the clothing stockpile.
There are other dwarves perfectly willing to dress themselves that want in.
Post by: Garath on March 29, 2012, 01:13:49 am
I perfectly understand that growing up is hard. Not only did your mother refuse to give you an alcoholic drink for a year, but she also neglected to give you any pants. That is why the booze stockpile is open to everyone and the sweet drink of dwarfs is flowing freely, enjoy it.
We also have a choice of trousers, shoes and shirts to choose from, even a selection of handwear and headwear, socks and more. Most of it is provided by our master clothiers, the rest is generously donated by the regularly slaughtered goblins.
Now that you are free of your mothers grasp I expect you to put on some pants (really, I understand what you are emberrased about), get a drink and take a bite of that excellent whip vine flour roast.
I do not expect you to hang around the sleeping mayor his office to complain, getting more emberrased as he finishes his nap, wakes up with a hangover and denies your request for a meeting in order to eat and drink, you trailing after him, getting more emberrased because now you stand next to his table still displaying your assets, such as they are, and nearly dying for a drink. Finally he finishes and goes back to his office for your meeting, trailing you through the dining hall and most of the sleeping quarters.
I appreciate that you kept your cool and didn't throw a tantrum, since punching the mayor is a capital offence, but don't you think that since after the meeting you grabbed clothing, something to drink and something to eat, this was slightly inefficient?
Sincerely,
The overseer of wasprock, former overseer of copperdust, former overseer of firebrook.
____
To the mountainhomes,
Last fort I asked for an able body of 80 dwarfs and you loaded me with 150. Then I asked for 70 and I got 120. Seeing a trend, I asked for 60 now. Now was not a great moment to actually listen to me. 71 is a good labor force, but not if a third of them are babies and children. Admittedly they were born here, you did not send them, but could you send, say, 10 more people? preferably adults, though. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
The overseer of wasprock.
Post by: Schizotek on March 29, 2012, 02:08:42 am
In light of the fact that we have 2000 crawfish roasts, you are all being reallocated to the new rifle squad. Report to Taric's workshop entrance for your emerald armor and rifles.
-Overseer.
Dear Taric the Wonderdwarf:
Legendary in Appraising, Record Keeping, Science, Gem Cutting, Gem Setting, Comedy, Fighting, Organizing, and Consoling. Professional or higher in various other combat and conversational skills. I've depleted the forests of the badlands several times over keeping your library stocked. Entire herds of yaks go into binding your beloved tomes. You are, by far, the coolest dwarf I've ever had. You singlehandedly keep this fort running, serving as a combined leader, psychiatrist, manager, broker, record keeper, researcher, armorer, weaponsmith, and front line soldier. Have another couple Armored War Mastiffs as body guards. Heres hoping you reach legendary hammerdwarf before the next siege.
- Your biggest fan.
To the worthless peons-
If my bone block road isn't complete before the next siege, heads will roll. Or rather be crushed by the insane dwarves in the labyrinth who keep drawing pentagrams in blood, and staring at the other dwarves like they're legendary roasts.
-Your ruthless lord.
...yeah. I like the masterwork mod alot.
Post by: Garath on March 29, 2012, 03:49:41 am
Well done spotting that ambush of crossbow goblins, led by a mace gob. I am even more impressed that you dodged every single bolt fired at you and when running away from the mace gob you managed to lure the whole lot down into the trapped hallway. Even more impressive is the bravery of your cat, that literally had to squeeze past the mace gob, dodging bolts on the way, and only got a bruised paw for the trouble. You will both get entries in the hall of legends.
However, perhaps you can clarify why you were out there? There was nothing to collect, no trees to be cut, you were not to fish... So why were you taking an outside stroll when we live right next to a goblin fortress? We have underground tree farms for a reason.
Respectfully,
Your overseer.
Post by: miauw62 on March 29, 2012, 09:36:27 am
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,Youre talking about dwarves.
It baffles me why you thought standing on the frozen river to fish in the thawed water just as the ice was about to melt was a good idea. And that's after you apparently tried to strand yourself on the other side but fortuitously decided to stop fishing in the empty pool. And this not a week into our settlement in this fairy-besotted forest, and without you catching one godsdamned mussel. That got our outpost off to a fair start, didn't it.
Looking forward to eating cockroaches next month,
Urist McExpeditionLeader
EDIT: Well, apparently he made it out alive now, which is a relief. Hopefully he doesn't do something that stupid again.
Dwarves always do something stupid.
Post by: jaxy15 on March 29, 2012, 09:49:59 am
Dear mole dogs,Dear wild naked mole dogs,
Please, walk around the cage traps. We already have too many of you.
Sincerely, the overseer.
-Barely intelligible words that seem to be gnawed into the rock found with a moledog-
DaEr OvveRSEEar
ForT Wahrm. Caves cOlD. WAnT WaHrm.
MollDOgS
The fort is not any warmer than the caves. Admit it, you just wanna come into the fort for the female mole dogs!
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: ObeseHelmet on March 29, 2012, 05:01:51 pm
I just turned off all your labors, and I think that makes it pretty clear what I want from you: to mine out the darned fortress. But no, you decide that now is an excellent time to go "On Break."
If you can't wrap your minuscule mind around this mere purring maggot of a concept, then I swear I will create a drowning chamber, put you in it, and flood it with river water. I've been waiting quite a while to see that.
Sincerely,
Urist McSadisticOverseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 29, 2012, 08:25:32 pm
I understand hunting can be difficult, and that sometimes you can't reach birds o hunt them.
You are hunting a kakapo. Its best-known charactaristic is that it's FLIGHTLESS. It was maybe 100 feet from you, in a straight line with just the edge of a pond in the way. Why couldn't you find a path?
And once you did, rather than running up and shooting the parrot in the head, nice and efficiently, you wasted a bunch of bolts plinking it. Brilliant, a method of hunting that is less efficient AND causes the quarry to suffer more!
Then, you hauled the bird maybe halfway to the fortress for butchering, noticed some ravens, shot one, dropped the kakapo corpse, and went off to get drunk. Nice work, hunter.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Splint on March 29, 2012, 08:57:51 pm
I understand that your annoyed by waiting for a legendary smith to make you a masterwork platinum beating stick known as a hammer. But that's no excuse to take it out on the poor kobold. Stop dangling him over a ramp and slowly choking the life out of him and just smash his head in already.
Dear Urist McMechanic
Hurry it up and get those bridges rigged so I can fill the magma resevoir and make some porcelien stuff to trade to the caravan.
Signed,
Overseer of bad engineering.
Post by: llasram on March 29, 2012, 10:57:37 pm
I find it well that you need to sleep in your box of a bedroom, but please, dont do it when you have been told to explore the adamantium spire, it is delaying the entire fort from having a visit from the circus.
Yours truly,
The Uncaring Overlord
Post by: Splint on March 29, 2012, 11:01:12 pm
Can I just have a nice exposed caldera please? Your volcanos almost always needing to be sheer cliffs are leaving little room to move and this is making my animals kill eachother and a water buffalo just killed a medic.
Thank you.
Annoyed player.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 29, 2012, 11:06:25 pm
Dear Urist McDesignatedDriver,Tha wood be in splinters all around, sir! Anyhoo, don' blame me, tis the fault of the flock o' tame birds that dropped the wagon here! Ev'ryone knows that that's how tha wagons git placed!
Nice job landing the wagon on top of that 1x1 spike of dirt, destroying it in the process.
I wonder, though, why you took your time after the wagon crash to build a towering pile of the surviving supplies (not that there were many) on top of said dirt spike.
Also, where's all the wood that used to be, you know, the actual wagon? >:(
-'Sus' Fikodast, your (miraculously still living, considering the way you drive) Overseer
Sincer'ly,
Urist McBirdHandler.
Post by: Chiefwaffles on March 30, 2012, 07:05:53 pm
Yeah, sure. You may of made a masterpiece while engraving a noble's room, but does it really have to be an elf tearing off a dwarf's ear? I mean, seriously.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: MenacesWithSpikes on March 31, 2012, 06:34:06 am
When I turn off all your labors except Cleaning and stick you in a burrow named "Contamination," that means I expect you to clean. See all that blood all over the main corridor on Z-level -1? That's from our brave soldiers who recently defeated the flying Forgotten Beast with the poisonous vapors. If anyone steps in that, their feet will start to rot off and bleed everywhere, which of course spreads the infection even more. You may have also noted the dogs and cats who have recently exploded. Our surgeons are overwhelmed. Now get to work.
Post by: GoldenShadow on March 31, 2012, 09:20:43 am
Dear Urist McIExpectYouToClean,
When I turn off all your labors except Cleaning and stick you in a burrow named "Contamination," that means I expect you to clean. See all that blood all over the main corridor on Z-level -1? That's from our brave soldiers who recently defeated the flying Forgotten Beast with the poisonous vapors. If anyone steps in that, their feet will start to rot off and bleed everywhere, which of course spreads the infection even more. You may have also noted the dogs and cats who have recently exploded. Our surgeons are overwhelmed. Now get to work.
Dear Overseer,
I'm not touching that yucky stuff. Just flood it with magma. Don't forget to unburrow me though!
Post by: WillowLuman on March 31, 2012, 02:21:48 pm
Thank you for committing clownslaughter! Didn't think one solid steel dust-spewing giant monster could take them all, but you did. Now please please don't come into my fort through the pumpstack
Post by: Angel Of Death on April 01, 2012, 02:18:56 pm
I know the zombies are scary. I know they will eat your flesh. BUT. There is NO excuse for not walling off the outside food supply WHICH FED THE ENTIRE GODDAMN FORTRESS. Oh, great, now your starved comrades are rising from the dead. If this letter gets to you before you all happen to off yourselves in moronc yet entertaining ways, abandon and come back to the mountainhomes.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Signed, your very, very pissed off overseer.
Post by: Corai on April 01, 2012, 03:13:10 pm
I appreciate your works in the art, creating dozens of artifacts, but FOR ONCE, CAN YOU MAKE SOMETHING USEFUL. IM TIRED OF YOUR LARGE GEMS. NOW GO CRANK OUT A ADAMANITE MASTERWORK LONGSWORD.
Sincerely, Extremely pissed overseer
Post by: mr_seeker on April 01, 2012, 08:25:36 pm
I gave you a crossbow with the soul purpose of beating people. Killing a guy by shooting him in the head is not part of a "beating". I know that he was throwing stuff at you, but now we have 3 little kids randomly throwing tantrums all over the place... - The Mayor
Dear Mc Dwarves,
When throwing tantrums, please avoid the Captain of the Guard. He was just recently promoted to "Elite Marksman" after shooting Urist Mc. Anger in the head during his tantrum, killing him on the spot. - The Mayor.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 01, 2012, 08:31:19 pm
You are terminally stupid. Whose bright idea was it, that when preparing the cavalry, rejected Grizzly Bears, Giant Eagles, and Elephants in favor of Giant Sponges?
Dear Giant Sponges
How the hell can you possibly be "enraged" or even attack in the first place? You have no brain, no mind, no consciousness, nor even the ability to move, yet you get enraged and attempt to charge my citizens to savagely push them to death! At least, you're supposed to be immobile. I've seen you dodge out of the way of attacks before. It may be the only way you can move, but you shouldn't have ANY means of locomotion unless someone picks you up.
Post by: Sus on April 01, 2012, 09:30:14 pm
While I certainly appreciate your can-do spirit and confidence, trying to punch elephants to death is really not practical in any way.
Might I suggest you try using some of the finely crafted steel battle axes and silver war hammers we have in our stockpiles instead?
- Sus, Your Nonplussed Overlord.
Post by: Captain Crazy on April 01, 2012, 09:56:17 pm
Dear Elves
You are terminally stupid. Whose bright idea was it, that when preparing the cavalry, rejected Grizzly Bears, Giant Eagles, and Elephants in favor of Giant Sponges?
Dear Giant Sponges
How the hell can you possibly be "enraged" or even attack in the first place? You have no brain, no mind, no consciousness, nor even the ability to move, yet you get enraged and attempt to charge my citizens to savagely push them to death! At least, you're supposed to be immobile. I've seen you dodge out of the way of attacks before. It may be the only way you can move, but you shouldn't have ANY means of locomotion unless someone picks you up.
deer ov er seer
i am giant sponge. we have met. i dodge because i hate. i push because i hate. i have no brain. but i hate. i hate all.
i hate all. aminals, i hate. gophers, i hate. dwarfs, i hate hate hate. i push them. i PUSH them. until they dont b reathe anymore. they cut me. i dont feel their sticks. i dont need to feel. i dont need brain.
yours truly
giant sponge
Post by: EmeraldWind on April 01, 2012, 11:20:07 pm
Dear Elves
You are terminally stupid. Whose bright idea was it, that when preparing the cavalry, rejected Grizzly Bears, Giant Eagles, and Elephants in favor of Giant Sponges?
Dear Giant Sponges
How the hell can you possibly be "enraged" or even attack in the first place? You have no brain, no mind, no consciousness, nor even the ability to move, yet you get enraged and attempt to charge my citizens to savagely push them to death! At least, you're supposed to be immobile. I've seen you dodge out of the way of attacks before. It may be the only way you can move, but you shouldn't have ANY means of locomotion unless someone picks you up.
deer ov er seer
i am giant sponge. we have met. i dodge because i hate. i push because i hate. i have no brain. but i hate. i hate all.
i hate all. aminals, i hate. gophers, i hate. dwarfs, i hate hate hate. i push them. i PUSH them. until they dont b reathe anymore. they cut me. i dont feel their sticks. i dont need to feel. i dont need brain.
yours truly
giant sponge
Can't sleep or the sponge will push me...
I liked sponges better before they learned to be assertive. Now they push themselves into everything!
Post by: Maso on April 02, 2012, 12:38:24 am
Despite how nice a stroll in the forest picking berries sounds, it can be pretty dangerous as well. You also shouldn't mess with the critters no matter how cute they are, lest a swarm of giant badgers decide to maul your feet off and leave you for dead. You should be very grateful to our brave captain who dragged your screaming (but not quite kicking, heh) butt home and was totally not ordered to locate and drag you back due to you being the only brewery worker in our tiny fledgling fort. We don't have any qualified doctors, so we had the blacksmith put ya back together since he's good at fixing stuff. Sorry (not really) if he was a bit rough.
Your friend the carpenter also handcrafted some lovely crutches as a get-well soon present. And by get well soon, I mean right now. We're getting low on the booze stocks. Just cause you don't have any feet, doesn't mean you're gonna be a freeloader.
Post by: Corai on April 02, 2012, 01:34:05 am
Dear UristMcFriendtoAllWoodlandCritters
Despite how nice a stroll in the forest picking berries sounds, it can be pretty dangerous as well. You also shouldn't mess with the critters no matter how cute they are, lest a swarm of giant badgers decide to maul your feet off and leave you for dead. You should be very grateful to our brave captain who dragged your screaming (but not quite kicking, heh) butt home and was totally not ordered to locate and drag you back due to you being the only brewery worker in our tiny fledgling fort. We don't have any qualified doctors, so we had the blacksmith put ya back together since he's good at fixing stuff. Sorry (not really) if he was a bit rough.
Your friend the carpenter also handcrafted some lovely crutches as a get-well soon present. And by get well soon, I mean right now. We're getting low on the booze stocks. Just cause you don't have any feet, doesn't mean you're gonna be a freeloader.
Dear Overseer
ARE. YOU. SERIOUS.
-Sincerly, UristMcFriendtoAllWoodlandCrittersWhoHasNoFeetAnymore
Post by: malroth on April 02, 2012, 01:51:38 am
Can i have UristMcFriendtoAllWoodlandCrittersWhoHasNoFeetAnymore's job since anybody can make booze?
Signed Ursit Mc Hauler migrant.
Post by: Greiger on April 02, 2012, 09:42:49 pm
It was very brave of you to attack that giant tick the hunter scared into the fortress, I can only imagine how terrifying that thing must have looked. And the fact that you still managed to stab it through the brain after it ripped off 2 of your extremities is worthy of very shiny metals and a fully paid retirement.
However, I would appreciate it if you would come collect your tail. It is still twitching and it's creeping out the traders.
The administration.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 02, 2012, 09:52:25 pm
To Dracon lancer
It was very brave of you to attack that giant tick the hunter scared into the fortress, I can only imagine how terrifying that thing must have looked. And the fact that you still managed to stab it through the brain after it ripped off 2 of your extremities is worthy of very shiny metals and a fully paid retirement.
However, I would appreciate it if you would come collect your tail. It is still twitching and it's creeping out the traders.
The administration.
Well, that's a nasty mental image
Post by: Teneb on April 02, 2012, 09:56:03 pm
I know you are a legendary appraiser, but the traders are here and I need you to get the best possible bargain. We need that metal. This is no time for breaks. Failure to report to the depot will result in more than your contract to be terminated.
Sincerly,
Your Glorious Leader.
Post by: tahujdt on April 02, 2012, 09:56:26 pm
Post by: Reudh on April 02, 2012, 09:59:39 pm
Post by: tahujdt on April 02, 2012, 10:01:02 pm
Post by: Greiger on April 02, 2012, 10:05:59 pm
P.S. Well since you said Nao, I suppose I can throw together a zip file... I'll post an edit with the link in a bit.
http://dffd.wimbli.com/file.php?id=1695 <- Enjoy
Post by: Jake on April 02, 2012, 10:06:23 pm
Dear Captain of the Guard,
I gave you a crossbow with the soul purpose of beating people. Killing a guy by shooting him in the head is not part of a "beating". I know that he was throwing stuff at you, but now we have 3 little kids randomly throwing tantrums all over the place... - The Mayor
Mr Mayor,
I was well within my use-of-force guidelines with regards to people who are throwing heavy objects at my head. If you wish to take this complaint further, I advise you to take it up with the Independent Fortress Guard Complaints Commission. I will however be deploying the Fortress Guard to provide a force-appropriate response to any further disturbances of the peace, and formally authorisation to deploy ballistas is granted forthwith lest the situation further deteriorate.
Yours, the Captain of the Guard.
Post by: TheeBaconman on April 02, 2012, 10:20:10 pm
I don't give flip about you. I wish you were never born, you block the hallways, and are a nuisance. Stop tantruming, I thought children were supposed to enjoy streaking naked. Perhaps that's just humans....
Parents, I wish there was a dwarf option to stop your spore spreading so seasonally. I don't care if you have a girl, I have important mining to handle to find a cavern so no one will die of dehydration in the hospital (unless the brook unfreezes).
Captain!! Stop tantruming, every now and then 20-30 dwarves want to report a crime, I don't want you ending up punching one of them. In fact, I think you are the one committing the crime, and conveniently leave yourself off the list!
Sincerely,
The angry man
Post by: redwallzyl on April 02, 2012, 10:48:43 pm
Post by: oldark on April 02, 2012, 10:57:19 pm
I know this area is scary and full of monsters but please stop dragging your starting wagon to the small island. The monsters can fly and the undead WILL cross the river(s). All you're doing is trapping yourself.
Post by: Corai on April 02, 2012, 11:09:34 pm
I know your stupid, but really? You cant drop a Cow Intestine down a hole to feed a nonbeliever of the KodKod Cult, I know he doesnt deserve to live, but KodKod needs sacrifices, not deaths. Now his wife and eight pups have gone beserk and are killing cultists.
Love, Preacher of KodKod
Post by: caddybear on April 03, 2012, 05:32:14 am
Good work on that Diamond throne you made. It's so expensive we could probably buy out the stock market. You are going to get buried along with our legends and I've just signed the papers that give you a luxurious villa in the nobles sector. Don't worry about the throne getting lost if we fail to defend ourselves, which is a possibility now that we're getting besieged every other week, we've installed a system that will flood the entrances to the vaults ( and probably everything else if our calculations are wrong ) with that lake over there.
Also please explain how you managed to make a full sized throne out of a small diamond, even if you used several I'm pretty sure there wasn't enough diamonds for that since I asked the bookkeeper. She said we had only a few left after our weaponsmith was finished with her spoilerite sword that she adorned with ridiculous amounts of diamonds. She called it "The Blue Violator". She'll be your neighbor so I think you shouldn't go out at night or something.
Lots of love, kisses and hugs
Duchess Caddyb
Post by: Garath on April 03, 2012, 05:43:23 am
I absolutely understand your anger. Not only do we butcher and eat your ambushes (although you shouldn't be so shocked, I'm sure you'd do the same), we also carve the bones into bolts that are used to kill the next group. The simple solution is to stop attacking, but we're actually very close to building a giant statue to armok with goblin soap. I know sending this message to you will just enrage you and cause you to send even more soldiers at us, but we really need more soap to finish the statue.
To the dwarfs of Channelspire.
leave the damn clothing and get the goblin bodies first, got it? we can't have them rotting on us, we need the lard from the fat bastards, Praise armok. I mean, seriously? there is a fully functioning clothing industry, spares of everything and you are claiming their clothing, stopping halfway your job to change pants? Get their asses to the butchers and then cover your own. Priorities, people! They are dead and will not sneak a look at your assets, now get moving!
Post by: Ria Hawk on April 03, 2012, 07:04:09 pm
You actually picked a pretty good place to raid. I'm a good preliminary overseer. I'm good at getting the fortress planned out and carved out of the rock, and getting food and booze production going, as well as starting the production of trader bait. Military, I'm not so good at. And a slight oversight resulted in the front door of the fortress not being installed in a timely manner. So if you were going to wander in and attempt to help yourself to some of the shiny gems I've been hoarding to buy out the next caravan, it was the least suicidal fort to do this. When I noticed your presence, my only option was to immediately draft every single able body that wasn't working on something vital. We didn't even have proper armor, for the love of Armok.
It just probably wasn't a good idea to try to raid the gem stockpile while the only two dwarves in the fort with any sort of combat abilities... who were also carrying battle axes because I may be slow but I'm not stupid, were just coming out of the wood stockpile across the hall.
- Love and kisses,
Preliminary Overseer
Post by: Count Dorku on April 03, 2012, 07:14:19 pm
Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.
Yours sincerely,
Me
Post by: Broseph Stalin on April 03, 2012, 07:19:36 pm
Dear secretive moody jeweller:Do you have more gems? It's possible he didn't get enough preferences shouldn't mess with leather selection.
Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.
Yours sincerely,
Me
Post by: Greiger on April 03, 2012, 10:51:26 pm
(http://tnypic.net/images/c50a4.png) (http://tnypic.net/)
I know meetings are soul sucking, but you don't have to take it literally. Please get off the furnace operator before the entire meeting hall on the other side of that window bum rushes the captain of the guard again.
The administration.
Post by: bukitodinos on April 04, 2012, 06:58:49 am
When i say "we don't have addy" WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING ADDY! But the doesn't mean you can imprison THE LEGENDARY METALSMITH!
also i now have an excuse to kill you... a drained dwarf is in your room, please report to room 105 and close the door and pull the lever
Hugs and kisses
Your sadistic !!SCINTEST!!
Post by: SRD on April 04, 2012, 08:53:36 am
Post by: jaxy15 on April 04, 2012, 10:29:40 am
Please send a caravan. Our weavers cannot keep up with the mass amount of clothes our sweatshop workers are producing.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Garath on April 04, 2012, 10:39:42 am
A warthog hoof armor stand is not going to happen. Get over it.
Sincerely,
the bonecarvers of Wasprocks
To: The Duchess of Wasprocks
Don't you think we have enough shields now?
Sincerely,
The quartermaster of Wasprocks
Post by: bukitodinos on April 04, 2012, 03:39:23 pm
Scintest? SCINTEST? SKIN TEST?
I AM A TERRIBLE SPELLER!!!
Post by: Count Dorku on April 04, 2012, 03:44:31 pm
Dear secretive moody jeweller:Do you have more gems? It's possible he didn't get enough preferences shouldn't mess with leather selection.
Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.
Yours sincerely,
Me
I had like five bins of rough gems, and another three of cut gems. I am also neck-deep in cloth and have enough leather that I'm giving serious consideration to modding in motorbikes. Guess my now-deceased jeweller specifically wanted to go crazy and starve.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on April 04, 2012, 07:24:44 pm
There are ten beds, each bed is adjacent to an operating table , a traction bench, and a coffer filled with materials. As you can see we have a fairly large, functioning infirmary so I'm not sure why exactly you need to be informed that there is absolutely positively no reason to stack the patients. There are six patients, you have successfully given the fish cleaner his own bed, and the swordsman his own bed, and then you seem to have thrown logic to the wind and started stacking patients four high on a single bed. Please take them to any of the seven completely empty beds as soon as possible. I know moving patients is considered to be a poor practice but I'm pretty sure so is making them into a tower like goddamn alcoholic building blocks.
Sincerely,
The voice of reason amongst your psychotic impulses.
Post by: Garath on April 05, 2012, 10:09:45 am
Bomrek McMedic
Post by: SRD on April 05, 2012, 10:12:26 am
Dear Medical Staff,I know moving patients is considered to be a poor practice but I'm pretty sure so is making them into a tower like goddamn alcoholic building blocks.
There are ten beds, each bed is adjacent to an operating table , a traction bench, and a coffer filled with materials. As you can see we have a fairly large, functioning infirmary so I'm not sure why exactly you need to be informed that there is absolutely positively no reason to stack the patients. There are six patients, you have successfully given the fish cleaner his own bed, and the swordsman his own bed, and then you seem to have thrown logic to the wind and started stacking patients four high on a single bed. Please take them to any of the seven completely empty beds as soon as possible.
Your medics play this game better than you do.
Post by: Ria Hawk on April 05, 2012, 01:53:15 pm
I petitioned the committee for a site with, I thought, I very reasonable list of requirements. No aquifer. Some soil, to farm on. Metals at various heights because WE ARE DWARVES. And flux stone, because steel is necessary. You gave me a list of several suitable sites, though I wonder why you seemed so insistent on my embarking in either sinister areas or areas infested with Armokdamned unicorns.
After exhaustively sifting through each prospective site, I have to ask, would it really have been that hard to tell me that there was no flux stone, apparently anywhere in the world?
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 05, 2012, 07:42:52 pm
Dear Embark Site Selection Committee-
I petitioned the committee for a site with, I thought, I very reasonable list of requirements. No aquifer. Some soil, to farm on. Metals at various heights because WE ARE DWARVES. And flux stone, because steel is necessary. You gave me a list of several suitable sites, though I wonder why you seemed so insistent on my embarking in either sinister areas or areas infested with Armokdamned unicorns.
After exhaustively sifting through each prospective site, I have to ask, would it really have been that hard to tell me that there was no flux stone, apparently anywhere in the world?
Dear Overseer;
You survived the journey?! Uh... Well, there IS flux stone, but you'll have to dig deep for it. VERY deep. Just under those metal veins in the magma sea, in fact. There's lots of flux stone under there, according to our surveys...
Sincerely;
The Very Suspicious Embark Site Selection Committee
Post by: Corai on April 05, 2012, 07:44:53 pm
Why are you so weak? Your pathetic. Im tempted to make a ZOO for you guys, your only dangerous when its raining blister-inducing vomit. Please be dangerous, please.
Love, your insane overseer
Post by: WillowLuman on April 05, 2012, 08:25:47 pm
Dear Zombie crocodiles,Deer Overzeer
Why are you so weak? Your pathetic. Im tempted to make a ZOO for you guys, your only dangerous when its raining blister-inducing vomit. Please be dangerous, please.
Love, your insane overseer
Zombiez is currently zuffering frum critical brane famine. Brain deficienzy makes zombies week, zluggish and lezz able to cope wif injurees. I zujjest openeeng dor to fort, laying down weponz, and letting zombies come in zo they can receive propur kare and treetment. The zombies ar just afreed cuz they think da pointee weapons will hurt them an just wan to playfite.
Zincerely, am expurt dorf advizer (not the zombies)
Post by: Eric Blank on April 05, 2012, 09:12:55 pm
Please stop spamming your recuperation-buff spell at all hours. You have only been using it on yourself, nonstop, for weeks. At least try to shake things up a but by using some of the other spells you know.
Sincerely, your Overseer Who Doesn't Like to Check His Combat Reports Like a Paranoid Elf for Fear that Something is Actually Happening In-Between Your Spell Castings.
Post by: Ria Hawk on April 05, 2012, 09:54:18 pm
Dear Embark Site Selection Committee-
I petitioned the committee for a site with, I thought, I very reasonable list of requirements. No aquifer. Some soil, to farm on. Metals at various heights because WE ARE DWARVES. And flux stone, because steel is necessary. You gave me a list of several suitable sites, though I wonder why you seemed so insistent on my embarking in either sinister areas or areas infested with Armokdamned unicorns.
After exhaustively sifting through each prospective site, I have to ask, would it really have been that hard to tell me that there was no flux stone, apparently anywhere in the world?
Dear Overseer;
You survived the journey?! Uh... Well, there IS flux stone, but you'll have to dig deep for it. VERY deep. Just under those metal veins in the magma sea, in fact. There's lots of flux stone under there, according to our surveys...
Sincerely;
The Very Suspicious Embark Site Selection Committee
So... you want me to get this supposed flux from a place I need at least steel and probably candy to get to. Does this have anything to do with no less than THREE nobles having a preference for slade?
Post by: Greiger on April 05, 2012, 10:30:52 pm
Thank you for testing the execution skill tag on your noble position. It was very impressive watching you chop that vampire into chunks with that iron greatsword. Despite how you had to write it down in all the paperwork as a hammering.
Next time however please avoid sending vampire limbs into the prison water source. Not all the convicts are vampires, and I would like to avoid making more.
The administration.
Post by: Corai on April 05, 2012, 10:33:18 pm
To the executioner.
Thank you for testing the execution skill tag on your noble position. It was very impressive watching you chop that vampire into chunks with that iron greatsword. Despite how you had to write it down in all the paperwork as a hammering.
Next time however please avoid sending vampire limbs into the prison water source. Not all the convicts are vampires, and I would like to avoid making more.
The administration.
MY PEOPLE COME FROM LINE OF GREAT HAMMERER/VAMPIRES, I TAKE PRIDE IN MY ACTIONS. I WILL SPREAD MY PEOPLE'S BLOOD. I AM A HAMMERER AT HEART.
PLUS I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPELL SWORDEROR CORRECTLY.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 06, 2012, 12:14:28 am
To the executioner.
Thank you for testing the execution skill tag on your noble position. It was very impressive watching you chop that vampire into chunks with that iron greatsword. Despite how you had to write it down in all the paperwork as a hammering.
Next time however please avoid sending vampire limbs into the prison water source. Not all the convicts are vampires, and I would like to avoid making more.
The administration.
I only have one speed; Chop till they stop (twitching).
Sincerely; Urist McExecutioner.
Post by: Eric Blank on April 06, 2012, 12:30:48 am
That's not a measure of speed at all: it's a plan of action!
Sincerely, random passersby
Post by: WillowLuman on April 06, 2012, 12:36:07 am
CONTINUE EXTERMINATIONS!
SIGNED - THE DALEK EMPIRE OF "THE CORRUPT FISH"
Post by: tahujdt on April 06, 2012, 03:34:54 am
Post by: miauw62 on April 06, 2012, 03:40:06 am
Dear Hiver McMiner, I do not care that there is a large rat in the mines.I say Screw That. Really, screw it. You are holding a drill. It has nothing. Screw it.Dear overseer,
BUT DID YOU SEE THOSE FANGS?
It'll chop me in half with just ONE bite!
I wont fight that huge monster!
Sinercely, Urist McMiner
Post by: tahujdt on April 06, 2012, 03:43:11 am
Post by: Reudh on April 06, 2012, 03:49:26 am
Please stay away from that Infernal Ash.
Also, get started on breaching the caverns. You guy's'll need water soon, as you're on a glacier with no plants or trees.
Sincerely,
Reudh.
Post by: Lielac on April 07, 2012, 02:20:58 am
DO YOUR JOB RIGHT. >:( You are the head mechanic (by virtue of being the ONLY mechanic), and as such are my front line against the elven menace. If you cannot hook up a bridge, floor hatch, and door so that they are open and closed at the same time, YOU FAIL. Please fix this issue, before I dig down to the magma just to throw you into it.
P.S.: NO BREAKS UNTIL THE DROWNING TRAP IS DONE. >:( >:( >:(
Post by: Corai on April 07, 2012, 02:36:05 am
STOP BEING SO CUTE! FIRST I GAVE YOUR CHOIRS ALL THE FOOD THEY NEED, NOW YOU ATTACK ME,
WHYYYYY.
Love, Kobold Overseer
Post by: Lielac on April 07, 2012, 04:03:33 am
I apologize for my last letter. I overcomplicated the blueprints. It works beautifully now. please don't use it on me ma'am
Dear Luremachines in General:
Great work on the surrounding wall! Now get rid of that kobold.
Post by: Splint on April 07, 2012, 04:33:35 am
Dear Hiver McMiner, I do not care that there is a large rat in the mines.I say Screw That. Really, screw it. You are holding a drill. It has nothing. Screw it.Dear overseer,
BUT DID YOU SEE THOSE FANGS?
It'll chop me in half with just ONE bite!
I wont fight that huge monster!
Sinercely, HIVER McMiner
In response to Hiver McMiner's plea, I say you are filthy coward, as other miners and hivers are happy fight dire wolf-sized spiders with thier bare hands and win. GET TO BORING A HOLE IN THAT DAMN RAT'S FACE.
Post by: Nyxalinth on April 07, 2012, 10:51:40 pm
Dear Kobolds,
STOP BEING SO CUTE! FIRST I GAVE YOUR CHOIRS ALL THE FOOD THEY NEED, NOW YOU ATTACK ME,
WHYYYYY.
Love, Kobold Overseer
Dear Boss,
We have choirs? Yay!
Signed,
Fleergreebis the Massively Cute
Post by: mikelon on April 08, 2012, 12:46:36 am
When that one animal dissector died and triggered a tantrum spiral amongst the useless members of our society you jumped into action, with your masterwork silver warhammer you split the skulls of 62 dwarves. Many a scream was heard on that triumphant day.
You saved our textile, brewery, and food industry alot of tension that was building up feeding and clothing all those legendary fish dissectors and what not.
You are hereby assigned a room in the emptied gold mine vein that has been smoothed and engraved (with some of your kills i might add). Since you like gold so much
Wish i could make you some gold armor as well
Your truly
The overseer
Post by: Pare on April 08, 2012, 02:18:00 am
I know that your "training" for unconscious opponents included the portion of hitting them in the head. However, if you try to hit the goblin invader lying in front of our gates in the head for a couple of weeks with no effect, it just might be that the iron helm the goblin is wearing is preventing your teeth or fists from doing any damage.
I'm glad that your efforts woke up the goblin eventually and made him dodge (again) into the serrated glass disk trap, which killed him, but you could just try for example strangling him when he's lying on the ground instead of just pummeling his well-made helmet.
Thank you.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 08, 2012, 06:40:40 pm
Would YOU want to wear a helm that wasn't thoughroughly tested?
Sincerely,
Urist McQualityTester.
P.S. Remind me, next time, to make sure the goblin's dead before testing his helm. I didn't realise he hadn't gone to wherever goblins go when they die until he started attacking my dog.
Post by: Splint on April 08, 2012, 07:11:47 pm
Thank you
Outpost
Post by: bukitodinos on April 09, 2012, 12:51:24 pm
I gave you a new fishing lake for a reson: YOUR OTHER LAKE IS A GIANT SPONGE BREEDING GROUND!!You do not go to the safe lake with all the happy turtles, you go to the one WITH THE THINGS THAT BREAK YOUR SKULL BY PUSHING YOU! Uristmcdocter is not happy with your negligence... you are the most important dwarf because you are the onley one who can fish. therefor making you one of our only sources of food.
hugs and stabs
your insane overseer.
Post by: Garath on April 09, 2012, 04:41:43 pm
dear uristmcfisher,
I gave you a new fishing lake for a reson: YOUR OTHER LAKE IS A GIANT SPONGE BREEDING GROUND!!You do not go to the safe lake with all the happy turtles, you go to the one WITH THE THINGS THAT BREAK YOUR SKULL BY PUSHING YOU! Uristmcdocter is not happy with your negligence... you are the most important dwarf because you are the onley one who can fish. therefor making you one of our only sources of food.
hugs and stabs
your insane overseer.
Y'only told me that I sjould prefer fishing there, not to go to the other water, but you know, the scenery down there is much better. Too bad about the spongy thing, but I like that place.
- Urist Mcfisherghost
((o)rders (z)ones, (f) to change to zone only.)
Post by: Vgray on April 09, 2012, 06:11:34 pm
How could you idiots not make axes? I don't care if your small! Use the spare metal to make axes. You clearly have enough to make picks.
-Overseer of the Fortress Umidsodel
Post by: bukitodinos on April 09, 2012, 06:41:09 pm
dear uristmcfisher,
I gave you a new fishing lake for a reson: YOUR OTHER LAKE IS A GIANT SPONGE BREEDING GROUND!!You do not go to the safe lake with all the happy turtles, you go to the one WITH THE THINGS THAT BREAK YOUR SKULL BY PUSHING YOU! Uristmcdocter is not happy with your negligence... you are the most important dwarf because you are the onley one who can fish. therefor making you one of our only sources of food.
hugs and stabs
your insane overseer.
Y'only told me that I sjould prefer fishing there, not to go to the other water, but you know, the scenery down there is much better. Too bad about the spongy thing, but I like that place.
- Urist Mcfisherghost
((o)rders (z)ones, (f) to change to zone only.)
your not dead you baby its just a broken nail.
Post by: bukitodinos on April 10, 2012, 05:08:10 pm
Please put that door right there that designation has been there since we embarked so can one of you hariy migets please make that door
hugs and stabs
Bukit
Post by: Garath on April 10, 2012, 05:16:12 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on April 10, 2012, 07:26:33 pm
I appreciate you remaining loyal to the fortress after your conversion, at least in attacking the other cybermen, but I must confess that enough loyalty to also not attack your former compatriots would also be nice
Dear Blind Cave Ogre
You just made my day. I knew that if I took a vast reservoir of magma, restrained only by a single locked door, and a vast tank of water, held back by a humble doorway, and put them right next to each other, one of you would be stupid enough to walk right up and smash both doors.
Dear Goblins
Over 15 of your seiges have come to our fort, only to be finely minced without any of my citizens having to lift a finger. Why do you keep coming? What do you hope to achieve? I've checked in legends; your nation has only 518 members. Don't you realize that this senseless waste of life is driving your people into extinction? And yet month after month, year after year, you keep on sending waves of goblins after this single fort which thus far has proved untakeable by goblinkind. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Post by: Eric Blank on April 10, 2012, 07:31:29 pm
Stop making so many babbys. You have formed enough babbys. You do not need more babbys.
Sincerely, Overseer Blank
Dear Marksdwarves
Good job shooting things. Train more. Save some for the melee troops.
Sincerely, Overseer Blank
Post by: WillowLuman on April 10, 2012, 07:37:16 pm
Dear Urists McWomen
Stop making so many babbys. You have formed enough babbys. You do not need more babbys.
Sincerely, Overseer Blank
Dear Marksdwarves
Good job shooting things. Train more. Save some for the melee troops.
Sincerely, Overseer Blank
Good overseer,
I am sorry, but I do not know how to prevent the babbys from happening. We would if we could. Me and my husband talked concernedly about it while bedding together last night. We hope to find out what keeps causing the pregnancies and put a stop to it.
Sincerely, Bomrek McDwarf
PS: Maybe sleeping with my husband more will cure it!
Post by: Vgray on April 10, 2012, 08:09:42 pm
Where is that bloody caravan? Did her highness decide that we're not worth it?
- Overseer of the Fortress Umidsodel.
Post by: psychologicalshock on April 10, 2012, 08:30:20 pm
You're a Troll and we don't take kindly to your kind around here, good luck in the cave and tell the fury poisonous hadrosaur FB that I said hi.
-Overseer
Post by: racnor on April 10, 2012, 08:46:20 pm
Your frustration is understandable. You arrived at the fortress you thought would be your new beginning to find that the seven founders had walled themselves in for protection against the ravenous dust husk wizards, and that they had recently been cleaned by rain was probably a cold comfort. I truly admired the bravery you displayed in your futile duel with no less than three of those indestructible monstrosities, and had a ordered a truly beautiful slab for you.
I too would have been enraged to hear that my memorial had been postponed for a wedding reception, even that of the two founding landshapers, but the entire population was absolutely miserable, and we decided that they needed some cheering up. Under these circumstances, it may have been more more reasonable to wait until after the party to manifest upon the table and obliterate the groom, causing the bride to spontaneously test out her excavation wand on the engraver's torso (It worked). We hereby apologize for the further delay on the slab.
Signed,
The four terrified remaining wizards
Post by: ObeseHelmet on April 12, 2012, 06:53:12 pm
Stop having children.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/kj3W2Ue8MAtwa4PT41VlJw30190)
I will not stop the babysnatchers this time. Let 'em come.
--Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on April 12, 2012, 07:11:47 pm
Stop chasing that ranger around with a bucket of water. He is not thristy; he just chugged a gallon of ale. You have a lower agility score than him and will never catch up. Just put the bucket down and go do some actual work.
Sincerely; the Overseer of Battlestruck
Dear Urist McEveryone.
Stop giving the soldiers water when they're already at the booze stockpiles getting wasted. No alcohol is too strong for your goblin-stabbing comrades, so it does not need watered down. Please go process more plants into fabric. We need more fabric. Plant some rope reed while you're at it. We just got some seeds and the pig tails just aren't enough.
Sincerely, the Overseer of Battlestruck
Dear Stoneworkers
Learn how to swim/climb up ramps whilst underwater or stop falling in the aquifer. How the hell do you even manage to do that?
This Towards Zero Deaths message brought to you by the Overseer of Battlestruck
Dear Militia
Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Health.
Sincerely, the Overseer of Battlestruck
Post by: Casp on April 12, 2012, 08:06:12 pm
The next time you start bitching at me because I refuse to give you all my worldy goods in return for the box of plump helmet spawn we need so that our wives and children will not starve in the cole darkness of winter, I will feed you to a badger.
Sincerely,
The overseer of EmeraldTower
Post by: bukitodinos on April 12, 2012, 10:24:34 pm
Quote from: Eric Blank
Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Healthsigged
Post by: Corai on April 12, 2012, 10:32:12 pm
No, go away.
Hate, Overseer
Dear Kobolds,
Yes, come in.
Love, Overseer.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 12, 2012, 10:57:28 pm
Here is a goat. Yes, follow it like good little zombies. Follow the tasty, delicious goat. That's right keep on coming. Right down that tunnel. Don't mind the pressure plates. Soon you will get your delicious goat. Yes, it's so exciting that you can't see the orange light behind you and hear the water rushing over head! Ignore them, they are just distractions from your tasty prize!
Dear goat
Good job, I suggest you REALLY start running now!
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 13, 2012, 12:20:39 am
How the CIRCUS did you get into my fort when the caverns are sealed off? I've checked every place the caverns intersect with the fortress tunnels and there's no way in.
Sincerely; The Confused Overseer of Stafffiled.
Dear Dwarves of Stafffiled;
Would someone please get rid of the burning Forgotten Beast corpse in the staircase? It's right below the main habitation area, so it's making everyone unhappy. And for the love of Armok, clean its blood off the staircase. Who knows what it'll do to the metalcrafters and haulers that have to walk through it.
Post by: Gamerlord on April 13, 2012, 12:25:25 am
I know the outside waterfall is pretty, but the massive pile animal corpses at the bottom should give you some idea of why you shouldn't stand next to it!
Love, the Overseer
Post by: Olith McHuman on April 13, 2012, 12:55:11 am
Dear Militia
Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Health.
Sincerely, the Overseer of Battlestruck
Dear Overseer of Battlestruck
We aren't exactly sure what "being on fire" means, but it sounds soothing and relaxing. We're all going out for drinks, so if you need us, we'll be in the booze stockpile sir.
The Militia
Post by: WillowLuman on April 13, 2012, 12:59:35 am
Dear NumbskullsDear Waterfalls,
I know the outside waterfall is pretty, but the massive pile animal corpses at the bottom should give you some idea of why you shouldn't stand next to it!
Love, the Overseer
You beguille our people by telling them "earth and water, you'll find plenty of both down there."
You are the bane of our people. You come through our homes, bringing misery and death. You cast the severed heads of incoming migrants down from OUR CITY STEPS. Oh, we've chosen actions carefully, geography. Perhaps you should have done the same.
This is a declaration of war.
We will dam all your sources. We will cover you over with floors. We will pour magma upon you. And if that isn't enough, we will dig away the very precipice you pour down; we will STRIKE. THE. EARTH!
Post by: Eric Blank on April 13, 2012, 01:55:42 am
Dear Militia
Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Health.
Sincerely, the Overseer of Battlestruck
Dear Overseer of Battlestruck
We aren't exactly sure what "being on fire" means, but it sounds soothing and relaxing. We're all going out for drinks, so if you need us, we'll be in the booze stockpile sir.
The Militia
65% of my melee militia (13 dwarves and the goblins they were fighting) burned to death in the fields.
Not a single dwarf that caught fire made it into the fortress, and only one soldier that was fighting that platoon of goblins survived. Everyone else that survived did so because they hadn't made it to their stations yet. The siege was only broken due to the masterfull wielding of crossbows and sheer idiocy of trolls. (They just walked back and forth in front of the marksdwarves!)
The fort was abandoned afterwards because I really really wanted to generate a new world. Oh well!
Dear dwarves of Battlestruck.
Good to know you're all dead
Won't be missing you, Overseer.
Post by: Garath on April 13, 2012, 02:27:25 am
Just like the way you can tell the mountainhomes to stop sending migrants, you can set restrictions to the number of children. It's actually more accurate since we hear about it directly and the mountainhomes usually sends another 40 migrants after you told em to stop. So just tell the baby machines to stop through this little modification and stop complaining.
Sincerely,
The Coalition of DwarF
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 13, 2012, 05:16:00 am
Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already? I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy. He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.
Sincerely; The Over
Post by: Lielac on April 13, 2012, 05:58:59 am
To the dwarves of Stafffilled;
Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already? I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy. He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.
Sincerely; The Overlordseer
Dear Overseer,
Check to see if it's forbidden. We can't pick up the corpse if you won't let us!
Sincerely,
Dwarves of Stafffilled
PS: You did remember to make sure we've made enough empty coffins, right?
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 13, 2012, 06:36:09 am
To the dwarves of Stafffilled;
Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already? I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy. He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.
Sincerely; The Overlordseer
Dear Overseer,
Check to see if it's forbidden. We can't pick up the corpse if you won't let us!
Sincerely,
Dwarves of Stafffilled
PS: You did remember to make sure we've made enough empty coffins, right?
Yes and Yes. The Masons are all too aware of the need for coffins since the "Zombie Visit", and they've finally gotten all of the dwarf corpses buried. The human ones have been left outside where they belong.
Post by: wierd on April 13, 2012, 05:42:35 pm
By all means, please explain how your masterwork brown recluse spider silk dress has managed to catch on fire. The magma is about 4 z levels away, and completely inaccessible at this point. I checked the game log and combat reports. There are no mentions of any interactions with any kind of fire tossing creatures. Yet somehow, through some mysterous process, you have caught your dress on fire, and are merrily going about your business, threatenting to catch the booze stockpile on fire. Thankfully I have disabled temperature, or your fat butt would have gone up like a tallow candle.
So again, please explain how you managed this clearly impossible feat. I don't want to hear any bullshit, made up explanations, like "it's a hot pink dress!" Or, "it's literally smokin' sexy!". I don't care that you could set your husband on fire with just a passing touch.
Please report to the pump room for a high pressure cold water shower.
As you know, dwarven kind is on the verge of extinction, and we can't afford to lose you, no matter how deserving of a darwin award you so clearly are.
--your overseer.
Addendum:
It has been brought to my attention that I was mistaken concerning your gender. Your files clearly show you as being a male dwarf. Please explain why you are wearing a flaming dress, which is flaming because it is actually on fire, and not a more gender appropriate tunic. We can't afford having dwarves practice alternative lifestyles while the race teeters on the brink of extinction. Put the hot dress down, and find a girlfriend ASAP.
--your overseer
Post by: JimDale on April 13, 2012, 06:32:03 pm
Please stop leading scared animals back toward their pen (and thus to the undead who were chasing it).
In case you haven't noticed, we're experiencing a siege and your brave attempt at returning the chicken to its pasture failed.
We are going to terminate your family to stop this horrid gene from spreading throughout the rest of the Fortress.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 13, 2012, 11:19:27 pm
Post by: Garath on April 14, 2012, 01:08:05 am
Dear Urist McDumbass,
Please stop leading scared animals back toward their pen (and thus to the undead who were chasing it).
In case you haven't noticed, we're experiencing a siege and your brave attempt at returning the chicken to its pasture failed.
We are going to terminate your family to stop this horrid gene from spreading throughout the rest of the Fortress.
Dear Overseer,
Your orders specifically state that that animal has te be pastured there, I am carrying out your orders. You could always change those orders in the way of telling people that the animals should not be pastured there or be pastured somewhere else. It's your job to think of things like that, mine is just to lead animals. How about you do your job and I do mine?
sincerely,
Urist McNotThatDumbass
Post by: bukitodinos on April 14, 2012, 11:15:29 am
not a good time for a mood, when that theif came by it got pummeld to death by the 12 stone fall traps, but you made an awesome bed so il forgive you. enjoy your new bedroom in the hall of honor, AND you get to sleep on your bed.
crushing hug,
Bukit
Post by: Captain Crazy on April 14, 2012, 11:21:15 am
Don't throw tantrums again or I'll assign you to a nice comfy burrow under a raised drawbridge, with your own child pulling the lever.
Post by: bukitodinos on April 14, 2012, 01:51:02 pm
Dear Husks
Here is a goat. Yes, follow it like good little zombies. Follow the tasty, delicious goat. That's right keep on coming. Right down that tunnel. Don't mind the pressure plates. Soon you will get your delicious goat. Yes, it's so exciting that you can't see the orange light behind you and hear the water rushing over head! Ignore them, they are just distractions from your tasty prize!
Dear goat
Good job, I suggest you REALLY start running now!
this is awesomely funny :D
Post by: WillowLuman on April 14, 2012, 04:04:18 pm
Dear Husks
Here is a goat. Yes, follow it like good little zombies. Follow the tasty, delicious goat. That's right keep on coming. Right down that tunnel. Don't mind the pressure plates. Soon you will get your delicious goat. Yes, it's so exciting that you can't see the orange light behind you and hear the water rushing over head! Ignore them, they are just distractions from your tasty prize!
Dear goat
Good job, I suggest you REALLY start running now!
this is awesomely funny :D
I just hope they don't reanimate when I mine out the obsidian. Unfortunately, the goat got encased too :(
Post by: WaffleEggnog on April 14, 2012, 06:28:59 pm
Why do the dead Goblins cloaths have a higher priority then our dieing military? Please, try to ovvercome you addiction to socks.
Yours truly, duh bauss
Post by: Eric Blank on April 14, 2012, 06:35:54 pm
Try setting up a large medical staff who have absolutely no labors enabled besides those under the healthcare tab. They'll likely be the ones to go collect the wounded, and will definitely treat them in quick succession, given that they have virtually nothing else to do.
Sincerely, the haulers union.
Post by: Corai on April 14, 2012, 07:01:45 pm
We will kill you and steal YOUR socks!
Love, Goblin ghosts who are slaying the living
Post by: Ahrimahn on April 14, 2012, 09:20:47 pm
Sincerely Your God.
Post by: Electrode on April 15, 2012, 01:08:42 am
Do not take your break in the rapidly-flooding cavern. Do not return to the rapidly-flooding cavern after I had to designate a rescue shaft for you when you couldn't path back to the one you came down to begin with. I don't know how you found your way back down there a third time after I walled and grated off every single entrance.
You deserved to drown. Enjoy your cheap wooden casket. A party will be thrown in your honor in the legendary dining room you felt wasn't good enough for your breaks.
-Electrode, overseer
Post by: Corai on April 15, 2012, 01:13:10 am
STOP SHOOTING THE FLESH-MEN, WE CANT BUTCHER THEM, WE HAVE NOTHING TO MAKE MORE BOLTS, IF YOU KEEP THIS UP ILL THROW YOU OFF THIS!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
AND BELOW THAT!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Love, your ticked off, starving overseer.
Post by: gentgeen on April 15, 2012, 02:24:24 am
I know the ways of deities are not the same as the ways of dwarfs. However, I fail to understand the reasoning for sending our first two mood-taken dwarves the inspiration to make wooden blowguns.
Befuddled Overlord
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 15, 2012, 08:33:00 am
Thank you very much for the zombie visits thus far. The militia are very happy to make new friends, and the locals are having fun watching them shamble over the cage traps and weapon traps loaded with ten serrated iron discs apiece.
Would you kindly make it a point to visit our lovely fort? We have plans that need your talents...
Sincerely; The Overseer of Stafffilled
Post by: jaxy15 on April 15, 2012, 08:34:42 am
Stop hunting peregrines. They're too small to yield any meat.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 15, 2012, 01:00:38 pm
Dear broker,Tame them. Basically, flying cats that only have 1 child at a time and don't adopt owners.
Stop hunting peregrines. They're too small to yield any meat.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on April 15, 2012, 02:05:32 pm
Why didn't you use the SEPERATE tunnels I made for the exact purpose of not having you fall three Z-levels and break your neck, instead deciding to stand atop the rock you channeled and nearly die? If you're paralyzed, I swear to god, you're the next batch of Gobbo bait.
Also, there's a perfectly good tiny little fort-thing outside of the map that has four weapon traps. I will put you in one and use your body as a bridge to get to the -Weak Blood Singing Arrows- that the 50+ elf skeletons so kindly left us.
Sincerely, "Sushi".
( I'm using the Masterwork mod. I want those syndrome arrows, and there's two bows that go with it.)
P.S. Whoever is supposed to be burning wood to make charcoal, you'd better fucking get to it. I have meteorite metals to make.
Post by: Orky_Boss on April 15, 2012, 02:10:05 pm
How the f*ck did you lose your steel spear? For some damn reason you weren't holding it when I had you attack the elk bird, and then you died from the blind cave troll when I thought you had gotten the Iron spear I had made as a replacement...
I sincerily hope your replacement isn't as unlucky/stupid as you.
Sinceraly,
Orky_Boss
Post by: Eric Blank on April 15, 2012, 02:29:31 pm
Recall that dorfs are stupid and don't always carry or wear their gear while off-duty. Before sending a sqaud to kill something, give them time to station themselves and pick up all their equipment, or they will run outside naked, unarmed and tantrumming to be punched in the face, thus killing them.
Sincerely, the dorfs.
Post by: Garath on April 15, 2012, 04:18:25 pm
could you please hide pictures in spoiler tabs? My poor computer is doing a virus sweep and took about 3 minutes to load your images.
Post by: Corai on April 15, 2012, 04:19:17 pm
Dear Corai,
could you please hide pictures in spoiler tabs? My poor computer is doing a virus sweep and took about 3 minutes to load your images.
Dear Garath, Damnit I keep forgetting spoilers.
Love, Corai
Post by: Garath on April 15, 2012, 04:22:36 pm
Dear Corai,
could you please hide pictures in spoiler tabs? My poor computer is doing a virus sweep and took about 3 minutes to load your images.
Dear Garath, Damnit I keep forgetting spoilers.
Love, Corai
much appreciated.
Death to kobolds,
Maybe spare one for science,
Garath
Post by: Aeash on April 16, 2012, 02:27:34 am
Yes I understand I left you alone for a minute but for gods sake if you are pumping so much water you turn a well into a fountain and flood the fortress you will be going home with the next elf caravan
-Your water covered overseer
Post by: Sus on April 16, 2012, 06:00:21 am
It has been brought to my attention that I was mistaken concerning your gender. Your files clearly show you as being a male dwarf. Please explain why you are wearing a flaming dress, which is flaming because it is actually on fire, and not a more gender appropriate tunic. We can't afford having dwarves practice alternative lifestyles while the race teeters on the brink of extinction. Put the hot dress down, and find a girlfriend ASAP.*insert horrible pun about flaming gay here* :P
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 16, 2012, 08:53:09 am
You can call off the Siege alert. All the zombies are either in cages or in pieces. The only roaming undead are the ghosts.
Sincerely; The Over
Post by: Kumis on April 16, 2012, 09:31:42 am
You're my only siege operator; I know it was you who killed that child.
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Yours,
Astonished.
Post by: Garath on April 16, 2012, 09:38:09 am
____
Dear Urist,
I said do not pull the lever. Which part did you not understand. The wounds were only light and a good practice for the docters, but it was not truly apreciated.
Sincerely,
Post by: Tolisk on April 16, 2012, 01:52:01 pm
What part of stop hitting McAnnoying do you not understand?
Sincerely,
The guy upstairs.
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 16, 2012, 10:12:21 pm
i saw that goddamned were-goat here before the human caravan came, were the fuck is it? i want its god dammed SKULL on my desk before next year or i swear i will lock you in a new room made just for you
sincerely your very scared and pissed off overlord
PS masons, i hope you plan on making that water pit a non water pit or else the military will see you in hell
Post by: malroth on April 16, 2012, 10:17:16 pm
The child had a nametag labeled "Will" so I fired On him.
Signed
Ursit Mc only following orders. Siege Operator
Post by: Greiger on April 16, 2012, 10:37:52 pm
I'm sure those two vampires will be able to serve their 201 day prison sentence AFTER you apply those 50 "hammer" strikes. Get to chopping limbs, I have the artifact greatsword Severmastered in it's own mini stockpile in the jail and you are set to use sword skill for executions. Chop chop.
The Administration
P.S. I wanna see chunks dammit, that was our best mason.
Post by: Corai on April 16, 2012, 10:39:48 pm
No, go away.
Post by: Jake on April 16, 2012, 11:23:34 pm
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator
You're my only siege operator; I know it was you who killed that child.
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Yours,
Astonished.
You entrusted a crew-served siege weapon to an absent-minded bipolar alcoholic and shouted "Fire at Will!". What did you think was going to happen?
Post by: mikelon on April 17, 2012, 01:29:11 am
When the bronze collosus showed up I ordered you to amass outside the gates
That you did, for about 10 seconds before 10 of you ran inside to get a bite to eat, and another 6 went to go get a drink.
I understand that we havent issued you backpacks or waterskins yet, however, i think you could have waited till after the bronze collosus fight to get some chow.
Needless to say, were all dead, except the vampire.
Your ghostly Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on April 17, 2012, 01:59:01 am
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator
You're my only siege operator; I know it was you who killed that child.
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Yours,
Astonished.
You entrusted a crew-served siege weapon to an absent-minded bipolar alcoholic and shouted "Fire at Will!". What did you think was going to happen?
One of my dwarves shot her own daughter once while the kid was standing in front of the ballista. Needless to say, the kid didn't last very long with most of her lower body missing...
Post by: Kumis on April 17, 2012, 03:11:56 am
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator
You're my only siege operator; I know it was you who killed that child.
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Yours,
Astonished.
You entrusted a crew-served siege weapon to an absent-minded bipolar alcoholic and shouted "Fire at Will!". What did you think was going to happen?
One of my dwarves shot her own daughter once while the kid was standing in front of the ballista. Needless to say, the kid didn't last very long with most of her lower body missing...
Although fire at will usually implies in the general direction of a viable enemy I really hope Toady never changes this.
Post by: Sus on April 17, 2012, 04:41:59 am
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.Not sure if child
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
☺
or Fire Snake in disguise
Post by: Lagslayer on April 17, 2012, 04:48:39 am
Post by: Splint on April 17, 2012, 06:10:25 am
Dear Hivers of Novus
Please stop brining childeren to the fortress. The population nearly 50% childeren, and due to the impending battle deaths I anticipate, i can't afford to be left with only childeren if you adults all die or get debilitating injuries.
Signed
Advisor of Novus.
Post by: TigerHunter on April 17, 2012, 06:15:23 am
Get out of bed, you lazy bum. You've been lounging around the hospital for months. I'm sorry I broke both your legs having you dig the hole for the artificial waterfall, and it's good that you're alive at all considering your replacement died taking the exact same fall, but I need your legendary mining ass digging out copper for the dining room.
Post by: MelloHero on April 17, 2012, 07:42:05 am
I understand you think the part of the river you spawned next to is stagnant, and that we haven't been able to bridge you over to the main fort where the booze is, but please do not go up to the waterfall for a drink, as you will surely slip and drown. Until we get you over to us, please drink water from a safe location. Thank you.
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: Garath on April 17, 2012, 08:59:31 am
-snip-
One of my dwarves shot her own daughter once while the kid was standing in front of the ballista. Needless to say, the kid didn't last very long with most of her lower body missing...
No goblin shall snatch my child!
Post by: jaxy15 on April 17, 2012, 09:05:15 am
Catch more toads. We must celebrate the birthday of the great Toady One.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 17, 2012, 03:40:59 pm
-sincerely your overseer,
PS if you even dare try to pin this on me i will lock you outside for the vultures to eat
Post by: Garath on April 17, 2012, 03:45:56 pm
dear uristmchaulers, yes i known were in an evil biome but please for the love of Reg get the food before the vultures eat it all! whats that? its raining nauseating filth? so what, get the food before we all starve!
-sincerely your overseer,
PS if you even dare try to pin this on me i will lock you outside for the vultures to eat
Screw you, it's raining nauseating filth, vultures are harrassing me and you tell me it is not your fault? you brought me here! And then you blame it on me?
sincerely,
Wish I could kill you
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 17, 2012, 06:46:12 pm
Post by: Murgy on April 17, 2012, 09:47:12 pm
The lever which you recently pulled seems not to have lowered the drawbridge, but in fact, collapsed the supports holding the large stone slab over the trading depot. This happened much to the dismay of the Elven trade caravan whom were occuping it at the time.
Keep up the good work.
From The Mountainhomes.
Signed, Your Most Greatful Liaison.
Post by: StLeibowitz on April 17, 2012, 11:23:37 pm
Truly, I am sorry for the fact that you broke both your legs AND arms in that horrible roof collapse in the attempt to punch through the aquifer. Also, I am truly sorry that I have evidently brought a pair of legendary half-wits to this new fortress!
Is it such a hard concept to grasp that when I order you to break the rock plug off the roof, you do not stand on the top of said rock plug to do it?!?
Were you not both comparable to the god of rock himself in mining prowess, I would order Doc to just let you both expire.
Sincerely,
The office of the resident God-King
Dear Doc
I apologize for not providing adequate medical facilities, and I realize bone setting is not your forte, but was it really necessary to OPERATE on the miners' arms to fix them?
Sincerely,
The office of the resident God-King
PS- would it kill you to clean the blood off their bedroom walls? It's disturbing me.
Dear Urist McLumberjack
WHY, in Armok's name, did you try to lumberjack that tree on the rock plug AS THE MINERS WERE CHANNELING AROUND IT!
Your brain is a sad excuse for low-grade wood chips. Doc is coming to visit your room for surgery.
The key to the soap storeroom has been lost.
Sincerely,
Imperial Office of Eugenics and Fortress Management
Post by: Schizotek on April 18, 2012, 05:11:13 pm
"And who are you", the proud dwarf said, "that I must bow so low?
Only a dwarf of a different coat, that's all the truth I know.
In a coat of purple or a coat of brown, a dwarf still has an axe,
And mine is big and sharp, my lord, as big and sharp as yours."
And so he spoke, and so he spoke, the weaponsmith of Castamere,
But now the rains weep o'er his tomb, with no one there to hear.
Yes now the rains weep o'er his tomb, and not a soul to hear.
"Oh hear my call", the armorsmith cried, his face going pale,
"I see lavalight upon a heavy hammer, a dwarf wearing mail."
And still Urist McSmith of Castamere harped on his elegy
"No useless noble, untried by arms, will play lord over me!!"
And so he spoke, and so he spoke, the weaponsmith of Castamere,
But now the rains weep o'er his tomb, with no one there to hear.
Yes now the rains weep o'er his tomb, and not a soul to Hear.
The hammerer at the gates had come,
to smash his head, with lead!
And so he spoke, and so he spoke, the weaponsmith of Castamere,
But now the rains weep o'er his tomb, with no one there to hear.
Yes now the rains weep o'er his tomb, and not a soul to Hear.
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 18, 2012, 05:55:26 pm
i am sorry that in your life that we had to lose you, but since you wouldent stay underground or do your job, you were stuck in that smoke that made you the
five minutes before death- the lost overseer
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 18, 2012, 09:51:32 pm
LISTEN YOU ELF, we are in the middle of a clam zombie invasion! your cat might be with the other zombie cats in the walled off section! also WHY SHOULD WE CARE?? HES DEAD! AND SHUT UP ABOUT THE SCRATCHING, its the zombie cats and the zombie miner, Armok please claim that soul of his before he brakes out again
sincerely, your overseer
PS: the king is coming, don't tell him about the cats or the zombie miner, the idiot thinks we have access to the adamantine, well i hope he likes it here in hell!
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 18, 2012, 10:05:26 pm
Why do you think I attempted to trade something with you made of wood? I'd got through the list of items I'd selected carefully and offered only metal weapons and trap components, along with some gems. Kindly get your trader's eyes tested before his next trip or else I'll be restoring my old water-for-goods trading policy.
Sincerely; The Over
Post by: newbonomicon on April 18, 2012, 11:32:23 pm
Dear elve caravan;
Why do you think I attempted to trade something with you made of wood? I'd got through the list of items I'd selected carefully and offered only metal weapons and trap components, along with some gems. Kindly get your trader's eyes tested before his next trip or else I'll be restoring my old water-for-goods trading policy.
Sincerely; The Overlordseer
Did you try to trade a wooden bin? Or some soap?
Post by: GoldenShadow on April 19, 2012, 12:20:14 am
Post by: WillowLuman on April 19, 2012, 12:27:59 am
Remember when I said to move that dead body 2 YEARS AGO!? Well, it's still blocking the door, right as the vile force of darkness has arrived. In fact, for a week after it has arrived. They are in our dining hall. There is no way out. The door is NOT shut. I'm gonna pull my private lever now.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sincerely, your former Mayor.
Post by: Ant on April 19, 2012, 12:52:58 am
Despite the fact that you were an ELITE crossbowdwarf and all that, there are three things that you should had taken into consideration;
1. You had station orders 3z-levels above the main drawbridge, where your squadmates were waiting. Sure, you had spent your bolts already, but the tower stores had plenty.
2. You were a mother with infant. Sadly, she didn't make it either, mainly because you dropped her smack middle the drawbridge's lowering point (aka "atomsmashing spot"). Maybe your next incarnation has the sense of not running at the bridge WHEN IT IS BEING RAISED.
3. The shield is not the optimal weapon against even goblins. Really. Your squad was armed with STEEL short swords and even copper crossbows, for Armok's sake! Did you really need your baby so much you didn't bother to carry either with her?
Inarguably, you did do quite good with your shield... But still, this sort of "gung-ho" attitude usually only causes extra work for the mason's guild and - hey, actually, they have been slacking lately!
Yrs,
Overseer
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 19, 2012, 01:49:42 am
Stop tantrumming and going beserk. The militia's getting bored with killing you and it's upsetting the productive members of the fortress
Sincerely; The Over
Post by: Eric Blank on April 19, 2012, 01:53:19 am
Dear Lorbam,
~~~
Yrs,
Overseer
Dear Overseer Ant.
Legendary misc. object users with copper shields are actually extremely effective in melee combat, as they use their rather heavy copper shields to bash goblin skulls in. You should try it sometime.
Sincerely, the ghost of Lorbam the Elite Crossbowdwarf.
P.S; In all seriousness it is. You just need to properly train them first.
Post by: Cobaldunderpants on April 19, 2012, 02:11:29 am
While we don't imagine that those =adamantine greaves= are the most comfortable choice in clothing we did make them for you so the Titans and Forgotten Beasts of our magical world would not cut your lower appendages in twain. Please, pick them up from your room and put them on. Its only for your own good.
-Management
Post by: JackOSpades on April 19, 2012, 05:18:43 am
Dear Urist McNecromancerdwarf While we here at the fortress of Rusted Harmony Applaud your Interest in Migrating to our fortress after only two years of construction we would rather you had left your 100+ Life challenged friends at home.
Post by: jaxy15 on April 19, 2012, 08:30:37 am
The potter attacked the mayor and a few other dwarves and broke a child's leg. Why does she get off scott free?!
Sincerely, a curious overseer.
Post by: SRD on April 19, 2012, 08:50:15 am
Dear Haulers Union
Remember when I said to move that dead body 2 YEARS AGO!? Well, it's still blocking the door, right as the vile force of darkness has arrived. In fact, for a week after it has arrived. They are in our dining hall. There is no way out. The door is NOT shut. I'm gonna pull my private lever now.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sincerely, your former Mayor.
Btw when things are jammed in your door you have to deconstruct the door to move those items.. Imagine the guys arm being caught under the door.
Post by: KodKod on April 19, 2012, 09:28:19 am
How long does it take you to kill a horse? It’s a horse; it’s only one bloody horse! You and the entire military which consists of a good chunk of the population have been out chasing that horse for three seasons now, and you know full well that the ‘siege’ won’t end til it’s dead, that means no supply caravans, no migrants. Need I remind you that we’re running low on booze?
Would it kill you to try and corner it rather than chase after it eternally one by one in some sort of twisted parade? Even the marksdwarves have had no effect on this devil-beast. Start throwing rocks at it or something, anything, I don’t care. Just end its life before we all die of thirst.
Post by: Oliolli on April 19, 2012, 09:31:25 am
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
How long does it take you to kill a horse? It’s a horse; it’s only one bloody horse! You and the entire military which consists of a good chunk of the population have been out chasing that horse for three seasons now, and you know full well that the ‘siege’ won’t end til it’s dead, that means no supply caravans, no migrants. Need I remind you that we’re running low on booze?
Would it kill you to try and corner it rather than chase after it eternally one by one in some sort of twisted parade? Even the marksdwarves have had no effect on this devil-beast. Start throwing rocks at it or something, anything, I don’t care. Just end its life before we all die of thirst.
"Urist McThirsty cancels drink: out of booze"
"The horse has been struck down!"
"Some migrants have arrived"
Post by: KodKod on April 19, 2012, 09:34:43 am
"The horse has been struck down!"
Impossible. Horse cannot die. Horse watched over this world whilst the dwarven race was still young. Horse will be present when the last dwarf draws their final breath. Horse more abstract concept than flesh and blood.
Horse is eternal.
Post by: SRD on April 19, 2012, 09:54:25 am
"The horse has been struck down!"
Impossible. Horse cannot die. Horse watched over this world whilst the dwarven race was still young. Horse will be present when the last dwarf draws their final breath. Horse more abstract concept than flesh and blood.
Horse is eternal.
My elves come with horses and I just send my chief hammerdwarf to kill them.. he's fast enough to chase down and kill them within 10 seconds.
Post by: Morpha on April 19, 2012, 10:00:18 am
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Post by: SRD on April 19, 2012, 10:16:20 am
Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Any dwarf can diagnose, and even if the diagnosis is wrong they will usually still stop the blood loss.
Post by: ledgekindred on April 19, 2012, 10:31:18 am
I have no idea how you did it, but before we broke your siege you managed to kill just about every useful dorf in my fort. Now I have a bunch of milkers, cheese makers, bowyers and so forth, milling about, getting unhappy thoughts, tantrumming and going mad from all the dead bodies. The dead bodies being the ones of all my legendary miners, smiths, stone crafters, furnace operators, cooks, brewers and planters. Next time do you think you can aim for the others instead?
Dear Useless Peons,
You are now all in the military, on account of my previous military having all died to save your useless asses.
Dear Urist McAbsent,
I can only hope that whichever one of you failed to pull the lever to close the drawbridge died in the ensuing chaos. I not yet prepared for dozens of goblins, including weapon masters, riding on the backs of war jabberers, cave crawlers and blind cave bears. Locking them out while I got things ready sure would have been nice and would have prevented the deaths of 2/3 of my fort.
Dear Urist McDeadbaron,
I actually miss you. All you ever asked of your subjects was to create the occasional coffin, and to not sell said coffins to traders. Perhaps you were prescient, seeing the need for hundreds of coffins in the near future.
Dear Migrants,
We could actually use some about now. We're down to only 50 dorfs, and none of them have any useful skills. Of course I know I will get a bunch of fish cleaners and cheese makers, but at least I can start assigning you to more useful tasks and attempt to recover from this disaster.
Yrs Frustratedly
Omniscient Overseer
Post by: SRD on April 19, 2012, 10:37:36 am
Santa isn't real in this fortress, so please stop coming.
Love, Overseer.
Post by: Morpha on April 19, 2012, 10:58:40 am
I'm just going to go drop some lye makers in lava now....Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Any dwarf can diagnose, and even if the diagnosis is wrong they will usually still stop the blood loss.
Post by: newbonomicon on April 19, 2012, 12:26:09 pm
The Elfs don't like when we chop down soap now?
Soap is made from tallow and lye.
Tallow is made from animal fat, which is okay.
However, lye is made from ash.
Ash is made from wood.
Wood is made from trees.
This means that, in addition to their dirty hippie lifestyles, elves have a secondary reason to dislike soap.
Post by: SRD on April 19, 2012, 12:34:59 pm
Post by: ledgekindred on April 19, 2012, 12:50:49 pm
Thank you for sending me a migrant with mediocre Weaponsmithing skills and then causing him to almost immediately go into a fey mood.
Dear Urist McWeaponsmith
Thank you for picking up that steel bar very first thing after getting your mood. At the very least I can be reassured I'm not going to get a tin warhammer. Now please make something nice and cutty and not a steel blowgun.
Yrs Anticipatorily,
Omniscient Overseer
Post by: jaxy15 on April 19, 2012, 01:01:12 pm
Please, elect a new mayor already. She keeps mandating shortswords. We already put a weapon trap full of 'em in her room. Make her stop!
Sincerely, the insane overseer.
Post by: Garath on April 19, 2012, 01:03:31 pm
Yours,
furnace operators guild
Post by: Shoruke on April 19, 2012, 01:34:02 pm
Please note that, when not actively participating in military affairs, the burrows definitions as defined by your overseer are not suggestions. They are not hints. They are strict orders, put in place for your safety, as your colleague Urist McDumbass learned the hard way last week when he decided to station himself between the Dingo zombies and the Goblin raids last week.
Recommend that you hold one of your training sessions in a classroom, or maybe the dining hall, with the subject of the class being "why following direct orders gets you killed less often than single-handedly confronting entire armies without fighting back against them."
Oh, and you ARE, in fact, allowed to eat the food we tell you to bring with you when guarding the entrance to the fort. That's why we tell you to bring it. Starving yourselves isn't helping anyone, and neither does grumbling about it.
Sincerely,
Overseer Kal
Post by: MasterMorality on April 19, 2012, 01:49:32 pm
We have very few steel bars, three in fact, so when being possessed, I expect you do something useful with this steel. A master work bit of weaponry or armour, perhaps.
Instead you make an 81600 valued earring. An earring circled with more steel, slate (how the hell did you manage that!?) and rope reed. Then you attach rings of birch to it.
Dude, I would give that monstrosity to my worst enemy. Next time, get possessed by a spirit with a sense of style.
Post by: Jake on April 19, 2012, 04:45:11 pm
Your £50 wireless PCI card with the big aerials in the back is having more trouble picking up a signal from the router in the living room than the built-in wireless antenna on my cheap and increasingly clapped-out netbook. This means that the only PC I own with enough RAM to cope with worldgen using the Flora and Fauna mod is unable to run Soundsense without a wholly unreasonable level of buggering about, seeing as it needs the latest version of Java, and will remain so until I find the money for a booster antenna.
I therefore wish rectal cancer on your senior management.
Yours,
A frustrated would-be Avatar of Armok
Post by: Garath on April 19, 2012, 05:04:22 pm
Jake, there is a general discussion and lotsa other forums and subforums to vent your frustration about your software, hardware and whatever. This is "your frustration about stupid dwarf AI" thread. Unless you can prove that the company is run by dwarves, or that the technology is dwarf made, take it elsewhere.
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 19, 2012, 05:09:46 pm
this is all your fault, i hope your happy that the clams have ripped all of our pets to shreds, i hope your happy that you just HAD to collect all that tasty not cursed clam, to bad that it turns out WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING HAUNTED AREA!
Post by: Garath on April 19, 2012, 05:38:38 pm
Post by: Kawaburd on April 19, 2012, 05:51:00 pm
In the mere minutes you've been here you've made a beeline straight for my forge, tossed our smithy out on his tush, stole materials meant for a crossbow... and managed to hammer out what's got to be the world's sturdiest copper floor hatch. o_O; You are absolutely nuts, you know that? Legendary blacksmith wasn't #1 on my 'need this skill NOW' list, but as thanks I'm promoting you to head of traps. Try not to impale the caravans.
Dear... other migrants:
I appreciate your interest in our fort, but did you really have to come in a wave of 40+? Particularly when half of that is children? I suppose we can entertain that many, in fact, tell ya what. I've heard rumors of a big open place with bright blue grass and weird trees deep beneath the surface. Help me find it and I'll take them on a vast nature walk and teach them cartography.
P.S: Do any of you know how deep it's supposed to be? I'm about 20-25 Z-levels in and seeing nothing but solid rock.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 19, 2012, 06:12:27 pm
Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*If she was mauled by a werelizard, just wait till the infection takes hold and she will regenerate that limb in a month.
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 19, 2012, 10:56:35 pm
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 19, 2012, 11:26:54 pm
Please stop going berserk because your clothes are rags. We have plenty in the stockpiles, so go dress yourselves. Just be thankful the suicide machines I'm testing on you aren't intended for this fortress.
Sincerely; The Over
Post by: clarithium on April 19, 2012, 11:37:17 pm
I know you're upset. But you really don't need to throw a tantrum. See, there's a bunch of pissed off gobos on our doorstep, and frankly, NOBODY GIVES A SHIT IF YOUR FEEBLE MIND IS UNSATISFIED WITH LIFE IN THIS SHIT ASS FORTRESS. WE'RE FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES HERE. GO PLAY WITH A CAT OR SOMETHING.
Actually, there's a nice room over there with lots of toys! Why don't you go play there. I have a present for you.
Sincerely,
Your Benefactor
Post by: clarithium on April 19, 2012, 11:40:32 pm
I know you need to satisfy your chronic alcoholism, I know you have to stuff your fat greedy face, BUT DO YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK, GO TO SLEEP, AND THEN ATTEND A PARTY AS WELL?! WHAT THE !@#$ MAN.
Sincer- .... fuck it. What's the point, we're going to die of thirst this winter BECAUSE OF YOUR FAT LAZY ALCOHOLIC ASS.
Post by: Morpha on April 19, 2012, 11:44:39 pm
Nope, she literally died of loss of blood =(Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*If she was mauled by a werelizard, just wait till the infection takes hold and she will regenerate that limb in a month.
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Post by: Garath on April 20, 2012, 01:51:27 am
Dear Urist McTrader,
I know you need to satisfy your chronic alcoholism, I know you have to stuff your fat greedy face, BUT DO YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK, GO TO SLEEP, AND THEN ATTEND A PARTY AS WELL?! WHAT THE !@#$ MAN.
Sincer- .... fuck it. What's the point, we're going to die of thirst this winter BECAUSE OF YOUR FAT LAZY ALCOHOLIC ASS.
(b) = anyone may trade
Post by: Lord Allagon on April 20, 2012, 06:10:53 am
Quote from: Jake
I therefore wish rectal cancer on your senior management.Sigged.
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 20, 2012, 09:43:48 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on April 20, 2012, 09:48:34 pm
I'M SORRY! STOP CHASING ME NOW PLEASE!
signed, Adventurer
Post by: Eric Blank on April 20, 2012, 10:26:58 pm
Dear Polar BearSounds like deebus hasn't long to live...
I'M SORRY! STOP CHASING ME NOW PLEASE!
signed, Adventurer
Post by: WillowLuman on April 20, 2012, 10:57:26 pm
Deebus is a pretty lucky person, though, all things considered.Dear Polar BearSounds like deebus hasn't long to live...
I'M SORRY! STOP CHASING ME NOW PLEASE!
signed, Adventurer
Post by: empfan on April 20, 2012, 11:02:18 pm
Move that goddamn piece of stone sitting there, its not different in any way, yet you ignore it exists. Its messing with the dining room. If you don't move it, I will flood this entire damn fort from an OCD based rage.
From,
Me
From the records before the flood of Angelbeguiled
Post by: WillowLuman on April 20, 2012, 11:07:11 pm
Dear Dwarves,Is it in a doorway or under a piece of furniture? You'll have to deconstruct it before the stone can be reached. Alternately, you can (d)esignate (b)uilding and item properties and (h)ide unwanted stone. Or you can (k) select it and scroll (-) through the list of items then (h)ide it.
Move that goddamn piece of stone sitting there, its not different in any way, yet you ignore it exists. Its messing with the dining room. If you don't move it, I will flood this entire damn fort from an OCD based rage.
From,
Me
From the records before the flood of Angelbeguiled
Post by: empfan on April 20, 2012, 11:08:58 pm
Dear Dwarves,Is it in a doorway or under a piece of furniture? You'll have to deconstruct it before the stone can be reached. Alternately, you can (d)esignate (b)uilding and item properties and (h)ide unwanted stone. Or you can (k) select it and scroll (-) through the list of items then (h)ide it.
Move that goddamn piece of stone sitting there, its not different in any way, yet you ignore it exists. Its messing with the dining room. If you don't move it, I will flood this entire damn fort from an OCD based rage.
From,
Me
From the records before the flood of Angelbeguiled
It was between a table and a lever, sort of like this
xox
xsx
xtx
o=lever
s=stone
t=table
x=smoothed floor
Post by: SRD on April 20, 2012, 11:37:33 pm
Post by: Sus on April 20, 2012, 11:41:05 pm
Y U no work?! >:(
- Your Annoyed Overseer & A Lot Of Tantruming Dorfs
Post by: WillowLuman on April 20, 2012, 11:49:14 pm
Dear food industry workers,Big red lever time?
Y U no work?! >:(
- Your Annoyed Overseer & A Lot Of Tantruming Dorfs
Post by: Corai on April 20, 2012, 11:51:53 pm
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Love, your overseer who HATES seeing miners sleeping.
Post by: krg on April 21, 2012, 10:32:16 am
Strange name for a dwarf, linksys, has a nice sound to it though.
Jake, there is a general discussion and lotsa other forums and subforums to vent your frustration about your software, hardware and whatever. This is "your frustration about stupid dwarf AI" thread. Unless you can prove that the company is run by dwarves, or that the technology is dwarf made, take it elsewhere.
what if the company is run by elves? given some issues I have had with linksys products, I wouldn't be surprised.
Post by: Andux on April 21, 2012, 01:14:11 pm
Y U HATE MY MEDICS? >:(
Sincerely,
Your Exasperated Overlord
P.S. What are you using to batter these guys, anyway? A chainsaw?
Seriously, my last chief medical dwarf bled to death after being disemboweled by a ghost ~5 minutes after I appointed him; the one before that was left with just one arm and one leg after two separate attacks.
If only I could draft ghosts into my military....
Post by: Garath on April 21, 2012, 02:24:15 pm
Dear Urists McUnfriendlyGhosts,
Y U HATE MY MEDICS? >:(
Sincerely,
Your Exasperated Overlord
P.S. What are you using to batter these guys, anyway? A chainsaw?
Seriously, my last chief medical dwarf bled to death after being disemboweled by a ghost ~5 minutes after I appointed him; the one before that was left with just one arm and one leg after two separate attacks.
If only I could draft ghosts into my military....
Unfriendly ghost ponders... Y... hm, a letter, but no meaning. U... human? nah. Hate my medics? Well, alright, because you ask so nicely. "Is there a docter here? Yes? Prepare for mutilation, as requested by your boss!"
Post by: Lielac on April 22, 2012, 01:15:46 am
FROM: Overseer Lielac
RE: Craftdwarf moods
There is a perfectly good craftdorf's workshop on the main workshop level. Please do not use the workshop by the trade depot, as that is exclusively for the creation of mugs to be foisted off on the caravans. I know the last two mooders (and only two) used that workshop, but I wish they hadn't. Your mood interrupts any jobs being done in that workshop, and I like having craft mugs on repeat.
Thank you.
TO: Creator of Wealthrampages, a rubber wood earring
FROM: Overseer Lielac
RE: F**king useless artifacts worth only 7200 dorfbucks
Be glad I don't feel like throwing you in the magma, you useless waste of booze. I need every dwarf I can get to finish my pyramid in a decent amount of time.
Post by: ObeseHelmet on April 22, 2012, 11:58:07 am
Get the heck off the square of ground where I am trying to construct a wall. I know you don't understand English, but the ten drunken dwarves yelling obscenities at you until their beards fall off haven't influenced you yet, so I thought I might try a letter.
--Overseer
Post by: Greiger on April 22, 2012, 01:32:05 pm
Your letter was tasty. Please send more.
- Goat
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 22, 2012, 04:16:08 pm
sinclerly the overseer
Post by: Urist_McUristson on April 22, 2012, 07:06:22 pm
Yes, I am aware that you found damp stone. Just like the other 20 tiles of damp stone you found. This is most likely because you are under a pond. So do me a favor, and STOP PAUSING TO TELL ME EVERY OTHER SECOND.
Sincerly, your Overseer.
Post by: Corai on April 22, 2012, 07:07:02 pm
Stop bringing unicorns to your sieges.
Love, overseer
Post by: Sus on April 22, 2012, 07:59:43 pm
Did you really have to make him go apeshit during a meeting with the liaison? I'm afraid having a meeting end with the Mayor's eyes rolling back and him starting to speak in tongues and demand cloth and gems from everybody within earshot is going to look bad in the reports.
Not to mention that the caravan just left, and we have no cloth (plant) nor the means to produce any.
Seriously, why do you hate us so? :(
- the nonplussed dwarves of Metalbrains
P.S. I guess his claiming a metalsmith's forge would be kind of cool, had we the means to fulfill his mood...
Post by: Garath on April 22, 2012, 08:01:22 pm
Post by: Greiger on April 22, 2012, 08:23:03 pm
Ok so the last fight went a little sour, but we made it. Sure a few of you were wounded. But we all were. I have permanently lost the use of my right arm, and got my other one pretty messed up in the fight as well. But I didn't give up, I was biting that human spearman if any of you noticed.
So I decide for us to make a camp down there in the dungeon to apply some first aid. I felt it was a pretty sensible move.
If you wanted out I would have been willing to save the rest and go back up to the castle to recriut some more soldiers, no worries.
You did not have to run off while I was sleeping. And take my sword with you(I admit I should have picked it up as soon as my left arm was working again, but as I'm sure you understand I was quite tired). Some more human bandits found me down there and woke me up quite rudely.
Despite the disadvantage, I killed both of them...with my bonecarving knife.
I'm coming for you next.
- The 'Hero'
Post by: Chagen46 on April 22, 2012, 08:34:09 pm
FUCKIN DIG OUT THE DAMN BEDROOMS MANG
I don't know what's going on, I designated the
Never mind got them to dig
Post by: Lielac on April 22, 2012, 09:37:46 pm
This mess is going to take years to clean up. I hate you.
No love,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 22, 2012, 09:43:30 pm
Post by: Lielac on April 22, 2012, 09:57:31 pm
-brandishes engraved slabs-
Dear dwarven engravers,
HURRY UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP
Sincerely,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: raptor007 on April 23, 2012, 12:23:44 pm
An amazing opportunity has arisen in our fort today. Armok has declared we shall tap the holy magma of the volcano. That means one lucky and brave dwarf will have the honor of striking the final blow to start our magma forges.
Now it seems some of you have been listening to some unfounded rumors regarding this job. It might explain why the first dwarf set as the only miner promptly went to sleep. How the second, third, and forth did the exact same thing is beyond me.
Luckily the fifth dwarf set as the miner, brave Urist McStupid, didn't fall asleep conveniently and is now heading down with a valuable pick to strike the final blow. All dwarves should be proud of his noble effort.
I also know the names of the previous four haulers drafted that fell "asleep" and they will be dealt with.
By official Decree of Urist McMayor
Post by: Lielac on April 23, 2012, 02:09:11 pm
Spoiler: WHOOPS, CApslock (click to show/hide)
Dear dwarves of Relicdreams,
There, that wasn't so hard now was it? Remember, I didn't have to make sure that cave-in didn't land on any of you.
Going to make the brook able to flood the entire fortress with the flick of a lever now,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: Meta The Golem on April 24, 2012, 12:04:00 am
Post by: empfan on April 24, 2012, 05:19:22 pm
Spoiler: WHOOPS, CApslock (click to show/hide)
Dear dwarves of Relicdreams,
There, that wasn't so hard now was it? Remember, I didn't have to make sure that cave-in didn't land on any of you.
Going to make the brook able to flood the entire fortress with the flick of a lever now,
Overseer Lielac
Dear Lielac, you were supposed to receive a legendary doctor awhile ago, but it appears you haven't, so we're going to send some other migrants instead.
Remember to train them!
From,
Mountainholmes
Post by: Andux on April 25, 2012, 05:12:37 pm
Spoiler: Combat Report (click to show/hide)
:o ??? ... You know what? Forget it. Carry on. :-\
-- Your Speechless Overlord
Post by: bukitodinos on April 25, 2012, 05:34:25 pm
please this is a flegeing fort so when you MANDATE THE CONSTUCTION OF CANDY ITEMS WHEN WE HAVENT EVEN HIT THE SECOND CAVERN
is highly negligent so this is why you , and the legendary craftsdwarf that makes you the earrings that you like, are dead
stabs no hugs
bukit
Post by: TempAcc on April 25, 2012, 05:36:21 pm
I'd love if you didn't aways move an extra tile or two just to channel from the wrong side and get yourself stranded in an island of rock. I'd also really apreciate if you didn't proceed to drown yourself by opening that one door I forgot to lock to pick a sock your left in the waterwheel array's channels.
--Your disgruntled Overseer.
Post by: Corai on April 25, 2012, 05:37:43 pm
Dear Urist McBerserker,Spoiler: Combat Report (click to show/hide)
:o ??? ... You know what? Forget it. Carry on. :-\
-- Your Speechless Overlord
Dear Overlord,
WHY WONT HE DIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RAAAAAAAAGE, Urist McBerserker
Post by: empfan on April 25, 2012, 07:55:47 pm
Why the hell won't you train? I mean, come on, there is an entire WALL of archery targets, fire at will!
Wait, you need arrows? The craftsman has been partying? Oh...am I glad that I had the bridge filled with spikes at the bottom.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 26, 2012, 05:26:25 am
Why are your children going insane and beserk? There's plenty of food and booze, as well as enough clothing to dress each of you five times over at LEAST. Stop the madness, or the fort guard will stop it for you.
Post by: Reudh on April 26, 2012, 06:24:10 am
I'm surprised you're all so happy given we have NO food.
Keep up the morale guys, the farmers will have a great haul soon!
-Reudh
Post by: LoSboccacc on April 26, 2012, 07:33:47 am
squaddies and bros all alike
please,
I know there is this nice sword just detached from an enemy goblin by a sword, but it's no reason to leave training and more so is not a reason to go pick it up, specially as it lies out of the currently assigned burrow
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 26, 2012, 08:21:20 am
Congratulations, you tantrummed and beserked from 230-odd dwarves to an even 40 in the span of a year. A new personal best. When the remainder of you are finished clearing the corpses away, please get to work on building coffins and megaproject tasks.
Sincerely;
The Over
Post by: krg on April 26, 2012, 08:33:49 pm
This is in regards to my fine fortress that I am running currently.
Why is cavern layer two located roughly at level 8, cavern layer 3 is at roughly level -10 and I didn't hit SMR until level -23?
I seriously would like to have a good source of magma around here somewhere, hopefully i will find it, but I don't have much hope for that. Anyway, when genning a random world, volcanoes are very welcome.
The one that tells you what to do, (to an extent)
Krg
Post by: Deus Machina on April 27, 2012, 05:02:26 am
I told your squad to go attack the wild bunnies as target practice. So you can guess why I'm a little nonplussed when I find that 1) you attempted to beat them instead, 2) you failed to beat them, and 3) you now have a leg bending the wrong direction and your teeth scattered across the countryside.
The reports from your squadmates indicate that you rushed up to the rabbit, took a single clumsy grab at it (probably proclaiming "PET THE BUNNY!"), and got yourself kicked four times in quick succession.
Heal up, then get out there for more 'target' practice. I just hope you don't enjoy the local population of badgers as much.
Post by: Jake on April 27, 2012, 09:05:33 am
Dear Urist McBadMarksdwarf,
I told your squad to go attack the wild bunnies as target practice. So you can guess why I'm a little nonplussed when I find that 1) you attempted to beat them instead, 2) you failed to beat them, and 3) you now have a leg bending the wrong direction and your teeth scattered across the countryside.
The reports from your squadmates indicate that you rushed up to the rabbit, took a single clumsy grab at it (probably proclaiming "PET THE BUNNY!"), and got yourself kicked four times in quick succession.
Heal up, then get out there for more 'target' practice. I just hope you don't enjoy the local population of badgers as much.
"Come back here, you cowards! Dorfs aren't dangerous!" (A masterwork adamantine mace to anyone who gets this reference.)
Post by: Callista on April 27, 2012, 09:42:01 am
"Come back here, you cowards! Dorfs aren't dangerous!" (A masterwork adamantine mace to anyone who gets this reference.)Watership Down.
Dear Various dead and/or wounded Urists who fell off the scaffolding when I forgot that causing cave-ins on a higher level causes effects on lower levels:
Oops, my bad.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer.
P.S. No tantrum spiral? Please?
Post by: Manae on April 27, 2012, 02:40:51 pm
Some masterfully engraved and tastefully arranged slabs with some time off to stare at 'em and we'll see.
Sincerely,
Survivors
Post by: Count Dorku on April 27, 2012, 03:24:23 pm
I realise that, due to the necessity of a solid defensive layout, you were annoyed to spend so long outside before I managed to get far enough inside to begin building bedrooms, chairs or tables. Similarly, I realise that the theft of a masterwork mug must have been frustrating after all the time you spent on it.
But why in the name of all that's holy did you throw a tantrum and kick the chicken over it? You're just lucky you didn't deal any harm to our supply of precious, precious eggs and, in a year or three, butcherable full-grown chickens.
Yours sincerely,
Overseer Dorku
Post by: +!!scientist!!+ on April 27, 2012, 04:03:20 pm
If you're so frustrated about how our meat stockpile disapears in two minutes and about our drink stockpile doing the same thing, don't make a new mouth to feed every 10 seconds!
Scincerly, overseer apperantly in need of a daycare center/execution room.
Edit: A dwarf actually named Urist just gave birth to a girl, that makes 4 in the last month.
Post by: ObeseHelmet on April 28, 2012, 08:40:34 am
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE THE SECRETIVE DWARF?
Now I'm going to have a LEGENDARY FREAKING POTASH MAKER and a useless artifact to boot?
Go to hell.
~Your Loving Overseer
(edit: At least he appears to be using a cat to complete his construction. That is however only a small redeeming factor.)
Post by: krg on April 28, 2012, 08:44:28 am
You are digging through an area with SMR surrounding it, you dont need to tell me the stone is warm every few squares. Of course it is warm, IT'S SEMI MOLTEN!!
Now, if you find wet stone, maybe. Cold stone, definitely let me know. Till then, shut up.
Krg
Post by: ObeseHelmet on April 28, 2012, 08:46:58 am
Dear Potash Maker:
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE THE SECRETIVE DWARF?
Now I'm going to have a LEGENDARY FREAKING POTASH MAKER and a useless artifact to boot?
Go to hell.
~Your Loving Overseer
(edit: At least he appears to be using a cat to complete his construction. That is however only a small redeeming factor.)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
And he's now a legendary stone crafter, not potash maker. Whew.
He sure likes quartzite though.
Post by: Garath on April 28, 2012, 11:18:11 am
Post by: Vorthon on April 28, 2012, 01:29:23 pm
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 28, 2012, 02:48:22 pm
...
I'm modding in potash ammo.
Post by: Garath on April 28, 2012, 04:44:25 pm
Post by: FlickerFly on April 29, 2012, 08:21:55 pm
Thank you for ending your ban on the export of amulets.
Please don't do that again.
-Me.
*five seconds later*
I hate you.
Also,
Dear Merchants,
There are goblins outside.
DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.
-Me.
And finally,
Dear Dwarves,
So you just had a baby.
I don't care.
-Me.
Post by: Corai on April 29, 2012, 08:23:02 pm
This is the first few years of the fort, we have no adamantite. Shut up.
Love, your Overlord.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 29, 2012, 11:18:03 pm
Dear mayor,Suggest you relax him in a !!hot tub!!
This is the first few years of the fort, we have no adamantite. Shut up.
Love, your Overlord.
*wink*
Post by: GoldenShadow on April 29, 2012, 11:25:54 pm
You claimed a Magma forge and are a dabbling weaponsmith. I was excited.
Then you grabbed an adamantine wafer. I was thrilled.
Then you made it into a war hammer. I was enraged.
So now you will make bolts /R
Post by: Corai on April 29, 2012, 11:27:58 pm
Dear moody peasant,
You claimed a Magma forge and are a dabbling weaponsmith. I was excited.
Then you grabbed an adamantine wafer. I was thrilled.
Then you made it into a war hammer. I was enraged.
So now you will make bolts /R
Owned.
Dear Overseer,
Its for my girlfriend, the hammerer. Dont make me your bolt-slave!
Love, no longer moody peasant.
Post by: CandyOreVein on April 30, 2012, 12:01:39 am
PLEASE FUCKING DIE OH MY GOD I HATE YOU ALL.AAAAAAAAAAAGH I WILL KILL YOU ALL IN MAGMA!!!!! YOUR FUCKING TELLING ME YOU CAN'T TRANSFER A BEAST IN-BETWEEN CAGES WITHOUT RELEASEING IT.!!!!!!! I WANT YOU ALL DEAD!
With hate, your pissed off overseer.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 30, 2012, 12:07:27 am
Post by: CandyOreVein on April 30, 2012, 12:21:21 am
I am constantly amazed. Not by the stupidity, but the creativeness of the dumbness of my dwarfs.
Post by: Sus on April 30, 2012, 02:12:12 am
You will notice that the battlement you're stationed on is surrounded by fortifications. They are there for a reason:
You're supposed to stand next to them, shooting bolts at the goblins outside, not hang out in the middle of the damn room!
I even instructed each one of you, individually, to stand on a particular tile next to the fortification, but apparently you're too daft to understand big words like "stand", "here", "and", or "shoot".
Well, this is a moot point anyway, since I redesigned the battlement so there's just a 1-wide circular corridor with fortifications on either side...
Now get in there and do your damn job! >:(
- Your Very Annoyed Overseer
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Morpha on April 30, 2012, 03:50:14 am
You have always been my favourite since you and your friend survived the deaths of the other 68 dwarves in the Great Tantrum Spiral of 07 caused by a clumsy miner falling through the ceiling (hence your name "the survivor"). This does not mean you can demand a ZINC BED in the dining room. I don't know who told you about the masterwork mod, but I assure you we do not have it installed. Enjoy demanding impossible crap, I shall continue ignoring it. When you feel like being sensible then we can continue our friendship.
Yours sincerely,
That voice slowly losing it's patience.
Post by: Lielac on April 30, 2012, 03:57:12 am
Which of you is a friendless, skillless orphan?
Question totally unrelated to the checkerboard I'm creating in the deeps,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 30, 2012, 04:20:11 am
Dear dwarves of Wordshame,
Which of you is a friendless, skillless orphan?
Question totally unrelated to the checkerboard I'm creating in the deeps,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Dear Overseer;
Don't forget to make sure there's an empty layer between the z-level with the top of the board (the one with all the floor grates) and the level the liquids are poured from. It's a common mistake with the blueprints
Sincerely;
Engineering Consultant TAG.
Post by: Fenrisson on April 30, 2012, 04:27:19 am
Dear moody peasant,
You claimed a Magma forge and are a dabbling weaponsmith. I was excited.
Then you grabbed an adamantine wafer. I was thrilled.
Then you made it into a war hammer. I was enraged.
So now you will make bolts /R
Owned.
Dear Overseer,
Its for my girlfriend, the hammerer. Dont make me your bolt-slave!
Love, no longer moody peasant.
Perfect for your hammerer - see the positive side you now have a legendary weaponsmith he can repay his insulence by making masterful Candy-Axes - to be chopped into pieces by them !!! ???
Post by: Lielac on April 30, 2012, 04:32:31 am
Dear dwarves of Wordshame,
Which of you is a friendless, skillless orphan?
Question totally unrelated to the checkerboard I'm creating in the deeps,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Dear Overseer;
Don't forget to make sure there's an empty layer between the z-level with the top of the board (the one with all the floor grates) and the level the liquids are poured from. It's a common mistake with the blueprints
Sincerely;
Engineering Consultant TAG.
Dear Engineering Consultant:
I copied your original blueprints as well as I could, including the z-level of empty space. Luckily the caverns gave me enough space to work, otherwise I might have accidentally removed that layer without knowing what it's for.
What is it for, anyway?
Thank you,
Overseer Lielac
Dear Kogan Noberith, Legendary Glassmaker:
Get to work please, those green glass grates won't create themselves!
Patiently,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 30, 2012, 05:05:12 am
Dear dwarves of Wordshame,
Which of you is a friendless, skillless orphan?
Question totally unrelated to the checkerboard I'm creating in the deeps,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Dear Overseer;
Don't forget to make sure there's an empty layer between the z-level with the top of the board (the one with all the floor grates) and the level the liquids are poured from. It's a common mistake with the blueprints
Sincerely;
Engineering Consultant TAG.
Dear Engineering Consultant:
I copied your original blueprints as well as I could, including the z-level of empty space. Luckily the caverns gave me enough space to work, otherwise I might have accidentally removed that layer without knowing what it's for.
What is it for, anyway?
Thank you,
Overseer Lielac
Dear Kogan Noberith, Legendary Glassmaker:
Get to work please, those green glass grates won't create themselves!
Patiently,
Overseer Lielac
Liquids pool on the top of the gameboard. The extra z-level gives you leeway in case they mix in a pattern that blocks the flow of either in any way. It's largely redundant and mostly a safe-than-sorry thing.
Sincerely; Engineering Consultant TAG
Post by: Lielac on April 30, 2012, 05:11:51 am
Spoiler: snip quote pyramid (click to show/hide)
Liquids pool on the top of the gameboard. The extra z-level gives you leeway in case they mix in a pattern that blocks the flow of either in any way. It's largely redundant and mostly a safe-than-sorry thing.
Sincerely; Engineering Consultant TAG
Ah. Thank you for explaining.
Sincerely,
Overseer Lielac
Dear lyemaker(s),
Oi! The soapers are complaining about not having any lye, stop sitting on your beard(s) and get working!
Dear swarm of mechanics,
Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Thank you,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: TheCoolSideofthePIllow on April 30, 2012, 05:33:20 am
In the name of Zurkul the Orange of Blossoms and all that is Holy, would you PLEASE, only fish in the area I designated instead of falling to your death at the bottom of the waterfall?!
There are already 12 bodies and 10 ghosts at the bottom of the waterfall freaking people out; I don't need you clogging it up even more!
Very Disappointed,
The Guy Who Watches You From Above.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on April 30, 2012, 06:35:11 am
Work faster. I want that working model of the new project finished and ready for testing. NOW!
Sincerely; The Over
Post by: Count Dorku on May 01, 2012, 03:56:32 am
None are more impressed than I in your recent deed of picking up no less than three wounded warriors simultaneously after that ambush and carrying them to the hospital. But why in the name of all that's holy did you simply drop two of them on the floor and leave them there?
And while we're at it, dear medical system, why were those two wounded dwarves sitting in beds earlier not counted as patients?
Yours sincerely,
Overseer Dorku
Post by: tahujdt on May 01, 2012, 06:59:46 pm
Dear Hivers McEverybody, CAVE SPORES ARE NOT FOR EATING!!!!!!!!!!
(warhammer 40k mod, raw cave spores have a syndrome which gives fevers and other nasty stuff.)
Post by: Lagslayer on May 01, 2012, 07:16:05 pm
Dear Recoverer of Wounded:Please, share your Fun! with us!
None are more impressed than I in your recent deed of picking up no less than three wounded warriors simultaneously after that ambush and carrying them to the hospital. But why in the name of all that's holy did you simply drop two of them on the floor and leave them there?
And while we're at it, dear medical system, why were those two wounded dwarves sitting in beds earlier not counted as patients?
Yours sincerely,
Overseer Dorku
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 01, 2012, 08:01:41 pm
Dear Worldgen,
This is in regards to my fine fortress that I am running currently.
Why is cavern layer two located roughly at level 8, cavern layer 3 is at roughly level -10 and I didn't hit SMR until level -23?
I seriously would like to have a good source of magma around here somewhere, hopefully i will find it, but I don't have much hope for that. Anyway, when genning a random world, volcanoes are very welcome.
The one that tells you what to do, (to an extent)
Krg
FYI, if you mean z-level whatever, that's shallow. Most worlds are over 100 z-levels deep by the time they reach magma.
Post by: WaffleEggnog on May 01, 2012, 10:59:15 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on May 02, 2012, 12:34:47 am
It appears that, if a lever is positioned correctly, and so is a drawbridge, you are a self-solving problem. Your stupidity and mischief has shown me that my dreams of a suicide booth for you guys, gremlins, and other cheeky creatures can be a reality. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
-A proud new inventor, off to sell this to the Mountainhome.
Post by: Garath on May 02, 2012, 02:40:17 am
Post by: Count Dorku on May 02, 2012, 02:49:05 am
Dear Recoverer of Wounded:Please, share your Fun! with us!
None are more impressed than I in your recent deed of picking up no less than three wounded warriors simultaneously after that ambush and carrying them to the hospital. But why in the name of all that's holy did you simply drop two of them on the floor and leave them there?
And while we're at it, dear medical system, why were those two wounded dwarves sitting in beds earlier not counted as patients?
Yours sincerely,
Overseer Dorku
Pretty much what it says: following a moment of stupidity in which I failed to close the roof over my dining room when I was attacked by a massive goblin siege, six of my dwarves were rushed to the infirmary. Four of them were classed as patients and looked after. Two of them were not. Two of them were left to rot, and nothing I could do, not even deconstructing the beds, not even removing the squares they were in from the hospital, would get them to be classed as wounded and moved to a bed to rest. One of them died of dehydration; the other, fortunately, recovered in time to sulk for a long time and yell at my baron (his wife's death during the fighting didn't help, admittedly).
Fortunately, the two idiots dropped on the floor were eventually scooped up and classified as patients, and will hopefully make a full recovery sometime soon.
Post by: Sus on May 02, 2012, 05:04:39 am
We have trashed multiple goblin sieges, a goddamn dragon and half a dozen Forgotten Beasts.
Yet you adamantly refuse to engrave any of our epic battles, instead preferring subject matter like flies, tall crosses or approximately eleventy thousand and one piss-poor imitations of that one epic picture of a plump helmet? Look, I know it's supposed to be the symbol of our government and all that, but enough is enough.
Also, the pictures of elves brutally dismembering dwarves in some ancient battle or another are not helping our trade relations, and frankly, I find them all kinds of disturbing. Please stop with those.
-Your Embarrassed Overseer
P.S. On a related note: the next moron to get a mood and then make a bloody artifact tower-cap earring or any useless crap like that will find himself assigned to the "Punishment Zone" burrow, conveniently located above the 6-z drop onto some lovely menacing spikes, permanently. I might even pull the lever myself. Oh, and to the guy who got a macabre mood and made a damn rat bone bracelet: You are the lamest goth wannabe ever. Your friends face agonizing deaths and you "honor" their memory with this, this ...trinket?! Really, stop rubbing your wrists with that Xxpalm training swordxX and do something useful, for the Gods' sakes!
Post by: Lagslayer on May 02, 2012, 07:02:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Garath on May 02, 2012, 07:10:11 am
Dear Engravers,I think there was a science thread on engraving that showed that more experienced engravers more often engrave historical events. You probably have too many amateurs who can't engrave more than simple objects
Post by: Baradrim on May 02, 2012, 12:47:32 pm
Please make walls to block lava from the side which has no lava.
If not our speedy emergency miners and if not the meeting-zone, you guys would be fried already.
PS. Congratulations on getting in a romance.
Love,
Mysterious forces which rule the fortress
Post by: Pirate Bob on May 02, 2012, 01:09:05 pm
Dear Kobolds,
It appears that, if a lever is positioned correctly, and so is a drawbridge, you are a self-solving problem. Your stupidity and mischief has shown me that my dreams of a suicide booth for you guys, gremlins, and other cheeky creatures can be a reality. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
-A proud new inventor, off to sell this to the Mountainhome.
I can't believe you would do such a thing to poor Deebus and his friends?!? ;D
Post by: Blizzlord on May 02, 2012, 01:12:25 pm
Could you write an essay on the complete nature of Armok's worlds and how their physics function? The inhabitants of Bay12 have a difficult time trying to destroy something which they do not completely understand.
-The Bay12 Insanity Hivemind
Post by: WillowLuman on May 02, 2012, 07:56:24 pm
They did it to themselves. It was supposed to be for executing dwarves, but if they want to sneak in and pull random levers, they should learn to expect some consequences.Dear Kobolds,
It appears that, if a lever is positioned correctly, and so is a drawbridge, you are a self-solving problem. Your stupidity and mischief has shown me that my dreams of a suicide booth for you guys, gremlins, and other cheeky creatures can be a reality. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
-A proud new inventor, off to sell this to the Mountainhome.
I can't believe you would do such a thing to poor Deebus and his friends?!? ;D
Post by: StLeibowitz on May 02, 2012, 09:10:03 pm
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Because of you, Urist McBackup had to go in first, and keeled over before the others did, causing the resultant flood to sweep away poor Urist McUseful-Mason to your southeast. I hope you enjoy your Prohibition-era, alcohol-free well water party, and know that you have led to the death of one of Shedimdodok's founders.
With loathing,
The Office of the Immortal God-King of Dwarfkind, Mankind, Gobbokind, Slayer of elves, eater of giant sponges, Savior of Troglodytes, etcetera.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on May 03, 2012, 03:48:19 am
I don't know why you're all going mad one-by-one. You have food, booze and plenty of clothes. If you really must go insane, please complete the megaproject first. After that, I don't really care.
Sincerely; The Over
Post by: CandyOreVein on May 03, 2012, 05:48:56 am
I don't understand why you all die in a fireball while just walking down the halls. Might be the lava I tryed to place in the halls wit DF hack.
Please don't go into these instant fire areas.
Your goddamn overloard.
Post by: Garath on May 03, 2012, 11:41:42 am
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on May 03, 2012, 11:47:26 am
As much as I appreciate you speedily testing the magma weaponry, did you have to raise that bridge right as one of the fort's few medical dwarves was crossing it? Thankfully he survived the 7z-level fall, save for his back teeth flying out, but now we're down a diagnostician. Try it again when the horde of cats crosses next time.
Sincerely, The Over
Post by: Greiger on May 03, 2012, 04:34:41 pm
Those cage traps are not for you, they are for basilisks and any other interesting wildlife that wanders into them. You are neither interesting, nor wildlife. Stay the fuck out.
----------------------------------------------
To basilisks over yonder.
Please come step on this green carat symbol. If you do you'll get
The administration of Greenbeach.
Post by: tahujdt on May 03, 2012, 08:49:50 pm
To Goblins and Orcs.
Those cage traps are not for you, they are for basilisks and any other interesting wildlife that wanders into them. You are neither interesting, nor wildlife. Stay the fuck out.
----------------------------------------------
To basilisks over yonder.
Please come step on this green carat symbol. If you do you'll getcookiesprickle berriesmeattasty rockswhatever the hell you guys like to eat.
The administration of Greenbeach.
Dear Urist McGreiger,
We like to eat dwarves. Or lizard things. Whatever your civ is.
Sincerely, Urists McBasilisk.
Post by: Reudh on May 03, 2012, 08:52:26 pm
STOP BREEDING.
Out of our population of 102, FIFTY are children or babies.
Post by: Corai on May 03, 2012, 08:53:42 pm
Look, I am your boss. You rob other forts, but not mine. Your lucky I called-off my army, but if I see your treacherous arse around here again, then its the torture-room for you.
Love, Corai. Kiss Kiss.
Edit,
I assume my letter obviously upset you, but did you HAVE to stand on the river the second it unthawed? Now I must resort to foraging to survive cause of my measly sized plot of sand.
Love, Corai. No kisses.
Post by: Garath on May 03, 2012, 08:54:11 pm
To Urist McEveryone:
STOP BREEDING.
Out of our population of 102, FIFTY are children or babies.
to Reudh:
use the fucking child cap in d_init and stop complaining! That goes for all of you lousy overseers!
Post by: Reudh on May 03, 2012, 08:55:56 pm
Also, I can't get rid of them because everyone is related to everyone. :P
A child had his brother murdered by his great-uncle (vampire), and is staying at Content from "Was pleased to see a family member brought to justice recently."
Post by: Sus on May 03, 2012, 09:57:30 pm
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Post by: Corai on May 03, 2012, 09:58:27 pm
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Post by: Count Dorku on May 03, 2012, 10:00:46 pm
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Post by: Corai on May 03, 2012, 10:01:37 pm
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Post by: Sus on May 03, 2012, 10:06:51 pm
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
Post by: Corai on May 03, 2012, 10:08:21 pm
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
Atleast you got something useful, I got a-
1.Wooden Blowgun, with hanging rings of cloth.
2.Stone Scepter, with rough gems.
3.A dog/yak bone hammer.
Rage
Love, Corai, the almighty kobold overseer. Kiss Kiss.
Post by: FlickerFly on May 03, 2012, 10:28:55 pm
Did you have to make that mini-forge out of adamantine?
Because I had planned on using it for something else.
Hate,
-Me.
Post by: Keldor on May 03, 2012, 10:59:50 pm
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
That end's the handle, ye dolt! Keeps it from jarring' yet hands off when ye knock th' block off a bronze colossus.
-Urist McMoody
Post by: MechaGodzilla on May 03, 2012, 11:02:24 pm
We understand you do not like to be naked.
We understand you do not like to be shoe-less.
We understand you sometimes you get angry and punch a certain Legendary Weaponsmith in the guts, making him stop working to vomit on his forge. Repeatedly.
This behavior will no longer be tolerated.
You are right next to the clothes pile- Put some damn clothes on or you will be relieved of duty.
Permanently.
We mean it,
-The Overseer
P.S. Yes. Go ahead and tantrum all you want. Our local axemen would love the practice.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 04, 2012, 12:35:31 am
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
Sure as hell beats a freaking soap shield
Post by: kaenneth on May 04, 2012, 12:56:35 am
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
Post by: Reudh on May 04, 2012, 04:58:08 am
Why are you dying of dehydration? We have a working well, as well as some meager stores of alcohol. It's not as if there is nothing to drink. We have a brewer working to fix the alcohol flow problem too.
Post by: medikohl on May 04, 2012, 05:41:28 am
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer
Post by: Sus on May 04, 2012, 05:45:25 am
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
That end's the handle, ye dolt! Keeps it from jarring' yet hands off when ye knock th' block off a bronze colossus.
-Urist McMoody
...might want to consider putting all these menacing spikes on the head of the mace, then. I mean, sure, they improve the grip, but having a three-inch-long shard of aventurine jutting through your palm is kind of inconvenient.
Post by: Jake on May 04, 2012, 08:14:15 am
I'm always glad of a legendary mason or stonecrafter, but is there any chance that next time, you could inspire my lads to create something a bit fancier than a rock salt door and a rock salt puzzlebox, both of which menace with spikes of rock salt and nothing else? We've got piles of red zircon waiting to be shaped and polished, we've got plenty of iron and copper, I can soon scrounge up some sand for glass; we even have some silk kicking around, though I'm sure I don't remember buying any.
At least get them to use some of the microcline I mined out specially, eh?
Yours,
Designated Avatar of Armok to HeavensHall.
Post by: Greiger on May 04, 2012, 09:20:24 am
I try to be less homicidal than those dwarves in those other fortresses you may have visited. I allow you to visit, I don't do horrible things to you or your animals, and I generally avoid unnecessary chopping of trees. (After all, most trees are outside, it's dangerous out there. There are bears. inside is safe and air conditioned)
I instead choose to buy wood from you and the humans (if you want me to not buy from the humans bring a larger supply, cloth is an EXPORT here, not an import) only chopping down the trees and large mushrooms that encroach inside the walls of the fortress. Which I'm sure is perfectly reasonable. And the war beasts you bring are a nice bonus.
However, I think I may have figured out why the other underground dwelling races despise you so much.
Spoiler: This is not a war beast (click to show/hide)
Thank you for your time,
The Administration of Greenbeach.
Post by: Keldor on May 04, 2012, 11:13:10 am
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
That end's the handle, ye dolt! Keeps it from jarring' yet hands off when ye knock th' block off a bronze colossus.
-Urist McMoody
...might want to consider putting all these menacing spikes on the head of the mace, then. I mean, sure, they improve the grip, but having a three-inch-long shard of aventurine jutting through your palm is kind of inconvenient.
That's th' safety system, so's if it ever falls into th' hands of goblins or elves, they cannae be usin' it. There be a hidden mechanism at th' base te shift th' spikes so's ye can hold it. Also, until ye engage the safety, the spikes will slide into the handle if ye push on 'em, so they be completely harmless if ye swing th' club from th' wrong end. Great fer th' lads to practice with, actually.
Yer hand should then fit in the space between the spikes like a glove, so it be's protected from slicin' and smashin'. They also wrap around yer hand so ye can't drop it without disengaging the second mechanism. Finally, there be a third mechanism that extends th' hidden spikes on th' business end. Ye can't be seein' 'em now 'cause they be hidden.
Post by: Sus on May 04, 2012, 01:25:06 pm
Dear Engravers,
We have trashed multiple goblin sieges, a goddamn dragon and half a dozen Forgotten Beasts.
Yet you adamantly refuse to engrave any of our epic battles, instead preferring subject matter like flies, tall crosses or approximately eleventy thousand and one piss-poor imitations of that one epic picture of a plump helmet?
Well, looks like they're getting better. Subtle, even: they made an engraving of Ostri Diamondsilvers the Wealths of Heat the dragon (who was later killed by my militia) killing some elf dude. A clever little "take that" towards the elves?
(They still keep engraving pictures of elves tearing off some poor dwarf's eye or lip in some ancient battle with disturbing frequency, though.,,)
Post by: jaxler on May 04, 2012, 04:02:28 pm
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer
enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.
-the goblins
Post by: Garath on May 05, 2012, 05:40:45 am
You are both legendary fighters, shield users and miners. I understand you don't see a pick as a weapon, but the other two should compensate that. Still you get enraged about long patroll duty, while the rest of your squad is not complaining. For the benefit of you two, the whole squad is going off duty untill you two feel better. Therefor, I did not expect you to do what you did. You are sparring. In your free time. After complaining about having to spar all the time. Go throw a party! theres a dining hall, a statue garden, whatever you like, but this?! If you were not such an excellent example of dwarven weapon skills you'd find yourself demoted to hauler duties. Otherwise, keep up the training. Your dodge and armor use skill could use some work. I don't know why you feel inclined to biting and punching, but yes, the next military squad will definately practice that before going to weapons, your suggestion has been noted.
Yours perplexed,
The Overseer
Post by: bukitodinos on May 05, 2012, 09:18:01 am
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer
enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.
-the goblins
TO THE SIG HORDE IT GOES
Post by: Ria Hawk on May 05, 2012, 10:13:43 am
That burrow command? Yeah, that wasn't a suggestion. If you haunt me because of your own stupidity, your slabs will be going straight into the magmaworks.
- Overseer
Post by: Greasemunky on May 05, 2012, 10:27:55 am
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer
enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.
-the goblins
Send him to fetch
-The Clowns
Post by: bukitodinos on May 05, 2012, 12:23:38 pm
Dear Ex-Possessed Metalcrafter,
Did you have to make that mini-forge out of adamantine?
Because I had planned on using it for something else.
Hate,
-Me.
for the annoying rich kid that got ALL the new game systems. if you did not have one in your class you were not a child.(unless you were homeschooled)
Post by: Callista on May 05, 2012, 12:31:35 pm
I was home-schooled and I still had that. My parents seriously had a favorite child, and it wasn't me. I was too much of a rebel, y'see. Read books under the covers with a flashlight at night, and hated to do the dishes. ::)Dear Ex-Possessed Metalcrafter,
Did you have to make that mini-forge out of adamantine?
Because I had planned on using it for something else.
Hate,
-Me.
for the annoying rich kid that got ALL the new game systems. if you did not have one in your class you were not a child.(unless you were homeschooled)
Dear Urist McStarving,
Well... look at it this way: At least we know now that trees growing in the hallways can block your access to food.
Sorry I didn't notice it in time. Hey, at least we have a big cemetery with masterwork coffins, right?
Your apologetic overseer.
PS. The mason crew has been taken off the megaproject to pave the hallways. You're welcome.
Post by: Urist_McGamer on May 06, 2012, 08:06:23 am
As we near our fourth year in the desert we've made great progress on the soon-to-be gambling and vice capitol of the world. The steel block perimeter wall is done except for the entrance and the grid of dacite block streets is coming along nicely. You're all pretty happy to live in an open air pavilion in a desert eating replicated food while working constant overtime hours laying out the roads. Soon enough we'll have the first permanent buildings up and actually start looking like a city.
However, the levels of unauthorized reproduction are alarming. While we can always use more laborers, we have migrants who work today, not in twelve years for that. Children only eat and drink up our, albeit infinite, food supplies while doing nothing to contribute to the fort. Please stop popping out useless babies until the city is more developed.
Yours,
Vegas Vic, Overseer of Reksasineth
Post by: Iapetus on May 06, 2012, 09:00:26 am
I know Urist McWimpy is terrified of oysters.
I know this is a particularly silly phobia.
I know you find it amusing.
But can you please stop engraving all our walls and decorating all our goods with images of him cowering in fear at a load of oysters.
It's really not a nice thing to do to him.
Post by: Morpha on May 06, 2012, 09:22:11 am
When I removed the meeting designation to set a better location, I'm curious as to why you relocated to the food stockpile I made 10 seconds later. Considering we have no food, could you be suggesting an overabundant food source?
Considering modding,
The overseer.
Post by: nymall on May 06, 2012, 09:43:52 am
As is the will of Amok, our people have recently been blessed with a new found appreciation of clothes, of which we all have begun to enjoy. What I'd like to speak to you about is this, and more specifically, priorities.
You remember The Brass Kings? The main squad of our defense force? I know you remember the socks. The one you stripped off of Kosoth Stakudothil's dismembered leg? Remember how you took it, ran to the meeting hall, and then just dropped it? That was nice. And how you went back and retrieved his leg? That was thoughtful. Problem, though...
He's still sitting out there. Legless and unconscious. Bleeding. While you admire your new sock. If we loose him, it's the magma pits for you.
Kindest Regards,
The Management.
Post by: Hamsmagoo on May 06, 2012, 11:28:27 am
Post by: Count Dorku on May 07, 2012, 03:58:24 pm
Those things marked for dumping in what used to be a combination dump and refuse stockpile? Yeah. That's not a dump OR refuse stockpile any more. So please frakking dump them. I want those partial goblin skeletons atomsmashed yesterday!
Yours sincerely
Dorku McOverseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 07, 2012, 08:53:12 pm
Well, then. Would you mind not mauling me and leaving this note here? Thanks.
Dear future settlers of Evilringed,
I wanted to see what an embark on not one, not two, but three separate evil biomes would be like. You all got all feverish and stuff from the foul slime that rained from the sky. (At least you didn't get into that horrid muck--judging by its effects on the local little penguins, you would have been lying in the snow, screaming in pain.) Silly me decided that I might as well set up a hospital, for some diagnosing help.
Nope.
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU decided to take a nap on the (snowy, icey, foul slime-ey) ground, to last until you were diagnosed. There was no one awake to diagnose you, except helpful Dr. Skirtglided the Assaulted Order the Muskox Corpse, who killed six of you, before Nurse Fearbites, a.k.a. one of your corpses, finished off the miner, who was awakened at last by the zombies (a couple dwarves, a couple dogs, and Skirtglided itself) before Fearbites killed him.
You. Are. All. Fucking. Idiots.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. Any living dwarves who find this note, please consider the advice carefully.
Post by: Sus on May 07, 2012, 09:11:51 pm
Those goddamn goblins are ten Urists away and behind two rows of fortifications. They have no way of getting to you unless they take the trade depot which you, incidentally, are defending. Now keep calm and carry on.
Also, if you find it absolutely imperative to panic and drop the ballista arrow mid-reload, could you please at least not haul it back to the stockpile and reload with the piece of ammo furthest away from the ballista?
Stiff upper lip shall carry the day,
Your bloody overseer, pip pip, cheerio!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 07, 2012, 09:33:04 pm
I am sorry for being ignorant of...no, I'm not going to play that game. I knew fully well that those zombies wouldn't stop with the dwarves, and that they'd leave corpses strewn everywhere. All I hadn't expected was for Skirtglided and Fearbites to be hiding in the nearby wilderness, and for that cat skeleton to spring to unlife so fast. Oh, and the dwarf skeleton with no torso, that was weird.
Point is, I'm sorry I sent you here. Congrats, former miner, farmer, mechanic. Despite not being able to get to weapons or even a trusty pick, you fought valiently. One of you even killed an undead dwarf who had killed some of your own. (Someone else killed a few zombie cats and that wierd torsoless thing, but he's dead now. May his spirit rest in piece.) Point is, take down as many of these things as you can with you.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
-----
"Dear" spirits of The Barricaded Orbs,
WTF? Why did you do this? You lead to the death of seven more dwarves, who would have come to a relatively functioning fortress if you hadn't decided to nap in wait for an imaginary doctor to take care of your little fevers.
Ugh.
Post by: Hanslanda on May 07, 2012, 10:38:55 pm
Go fuck yourself, and step ONE SPACE TO THE RIGHT WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. I'm seriously considering excessive application of magma at this point, and it would be extremely EASY TO MAGMA YOUR ASS. One channel, and then we'd all be having *Urist McTrader Roast* with a side order of blood steam.
Sincerely,
Hans Landa.
Oh, nevermind, you got brutally murdered by goblins. Now I have to magma the goblins for catharsis. Something is dying by magma, I already built the channel.
Post by: bmaczero on May 08, 2012, 12:30:07 am
Words cannot express the grief I felt at your passing at the hands of that ambush of bow-goblins. I'm not sure what you and those 20-odd other dwarves were doing out on the exposed surface of the forges under construction over the mouth of our volcano, or why you all insisted on running back and forth in a panic instead of retreating into the designate burrow while the goblins unloaded their quivers at you. But it may be said that your selfless sacrifice saved many other dwarven lives that day, for though you were the first to fall, you refused to die for many minutes, forcing the goblins to use up nearly two pages of bolts on you. You are a boss.
Sincerely,
Me
Post by: Bartinyou on May 08, 2012, 03:50:45 am
I know you love puzzleboxes, a lot apparently. Two stonecrafters working for 2 months straight have reached legendary status in stonecrafting and have still yet to produce a single puzzlebox. Please don't kill 6 dwarfs like the baroness saw fit to do.
PS Those dwarfs get a waterfall in their jail cell, you are probably going to get a magma fall if you keep it up.
Post by: Garath on May 08, 2012, 04:02:57 am
Post by: Darkening Kaos on May 08, 2012, 04:54:42 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
... coming?
Post by: Bartinyou on May 08, 2012, 04:58:16 am
do you actually tell them to make toys or crafts?
I have about 100 toy hammers and 40 or so toy boats sitting in crates in my finished goods stockpile, 0 puzzle boxes.
Post by: Garath on May 08, 2012, 06:32:56 am
Can anybody else feel the ....Spoiler (click to show/hide)
... coming?
but it didn't!
Post by: Darkening Kaos on May 08, 2012, 06:37:20 am
Post by: krg on May 10, 2012, 05:09:10 pm
Dear Worldgen,
This is in regards to my fine fortress that I am running currently.
Why is cavern layer two located roughly at level 8, cavern layer 3 is at roughly level -10 and I didn't hit SMR until level -23?
I seriously would like to have a good source of magma around here somewhere, hopefully i will find it, but I don't have much hope for that. Anyway, when genning a random world, volcanoes are very welcome.
The one that tells you what to do, (to an extent)
Krg
FYI, if you mean z-level whatever, that's shallow. Most worlds are over 100 z-levels deep by the time they reach magma.
I started on level 129. ~150 levels and no magma. Haven't dug it all out yet though.
Is it me or are people getting less frustrated with dwarves lately? I see fewer posts about dwarves, and fewer that are about actual frustrations
They are getting used to it. Much like how we have gotten used to cubicles, and other forms of torture.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 11, 2012, 07:04:44 am
We all have our peeves and pests, but... hamsters? Really?
Dear Urist McEngraver,
...Hamsters? Really?
Seriously, since you became legendary you have engraved things involving hamsters almost exclusively.
McMayor surrounded by hamsters. McMayor pleading before hamsters. Terrified by hamsters. Making a plaintive gesture in front of hamsters. Being attacked by hamsters. Or just hamsters on their own, but this was in his office. His walls are now made of hamster.
Although, when he demanded tables, and you immediately saw fit to go into a mood and created an artifact table featuring--guess what?--a hamster, I applaud your timing. And then immediately running up and engraving the wall of his office with an image of the time he got his arm broke? Classic.
I understand you must have beef, but you've made your point. Let off on that high note.
Post by: Reudh on May 11, 2012, 07:27:42 am
Post by: skywerewolf on May 11, 2012, 03:28:11 pm
STOP DYING FROM JUMPS LESS THAN 5 Z-LEVELS AND USE YOUR BRIAN WHEN CHANNELING!
love, your ruller.
dear urist mcdumbass
the door goes right there, m'kay? make sure it closes as well.
Post by: Reudh on May 11, 2012, 08:54:41 pm
Post by: crazysheep on May 11, 2012, 11:59:47 pm
Hamsters are vermin ingame y'know.. :PSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Deus Machina,
But.. but.. think about all the cute and fluffy balls of fur hamsters are! They bring joy and fun to so many people!
Sincerely, Urist McEngraver
Post by: bukitodinos on May 12, 2012, 05:13:38 pm
WHY AREN'T YOU STOREING THE FOOD AND STUFF WE RECLAIMED INTO THE BINS A BARRELS THAT WE MADE??? ???
(i reclaimed my fort and they are just putting everything into the stockpile without a barrel.)
Insanely yours
Buckit
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 12, 2012, 08:04:08 pm
Dear bearded midgets of Reksasineth (SinCity):
As we near our fourth year in the desert we've made great progress on the soon-to-be gambling and vice capitol of the world. The steel block perimeter wall is done except for the entrance and the grid of dacite block streets is coming along nicely. You're all pretty happy to live in an open air pavilion in a desert eating replicated food while working constant overtime hours laying out the roads. Soon enough we'll have the first permanent buildings up and actually start looking like a city.
However, the levels of unauthorized reproduction are alarming. While we can always use more laborers, we have migrants who work today, not in twelve years for that. Children only eat and drink up our, albeit infinite, food supplies while doing nothing to contribute to the fort. Please stop popping out useless babies until the city is more developed.
Yours,
Vegas Vic, Overseer of Reksasineth
Dear Urist McGamer,
Please respect our personal choices of vice.
Sincerely,
Urists McLoveMakers.
Post by: tahujdt on May 12, 2012, 08:26:33 pm
dear uirst mcdipshit
USE YOUR BRIAN WHEN CHANNELING!
My dad is named Brian, I would not mind using him for digging...
Post by: Karranir on May 12, 2012, 10:17:24 pm
STOP SETTING GEMS INTO THIS LARGE LAVENDER JADE. YOU GUYS JUST MAKE THE SAME IMAGES OF A BEAR AND SPITESELLER THE SASQUATCH GETTING KILLED IN THE 'COOPERATIVE FORESTS'. COOPERATIVE?!
Post by: Hanslanda on May 12, 2012, 10:29:46 pm
Seriously dude, your guards killed EVERYTHING. They're badasses, they wiped the goblins out. Just... Just F***ing TRADE WITH ME YOU DOUCHE.
Sincerely,
Angry Volcano God.
Post by: Monk321654 on May 12, 2012, 10:35:05 pm
Dear Urist McTrader,Dear Angry Volcano God,
Seriously dude, your guards killed EVERYTHING. They're badasses, they wiped the goblins out. Just... Just F***ing TRADE WITH ME YOU DOUCHE.
Sincerely,
Angry Volcano God.
No way, my friend! There could be more of them, MORE! We must stay vigilant! We must protect the useless crafts!
Post by: Karranir on May 13, 2012, 12:14:40 am
Did you really have to decorate all the crappy crutches with amethysts and rubies and other high end stuff?
I hate you so much.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 13, 2012, 12:44:06 am
What are you doing wrong? We're basically shooting entire tree trunks tipped with metal at the bastards, and they're just laughing it off!! These projectiles used to annihilate everything in their path, whats wrong now!?
Sincerely, Your God who is not Just a Human with a Beard Stapled On.
Post by: Eric Blank on May 13, 2012, 01:32:03 am
Please, eat the infants and younger children, not the woodworkers. Thank you.
Sincerely, the Overseer.
Post by: Reudh on May 13, 2012, 01:45:25 am
Ignoring a burrow order and continuing to attempt to pick up a dead goblin's loincloth is not a good idea when we're under siege.
Oh, look... you have an arrow in your eye.
And your father just sealed you out of the fort...
Good Armok, that's harsh.
Your slightly disgusted overseer,
Reudh.
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on May 13, 2012, 07:31:57 pm
IF THE SKULL IS ON FIRE, RUN AWAY. Don't go pet it and watch as it sets the whole map, and you, on fire.
Seriously going to edit those buggers out pretty soon.
Post by: crazysheep on May 13, 2012, 08:27:29 pm
Dear Masterwork Dwarfsobligatory link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMMV_RoEMxE
IF THE SKULL IS ON FIRE, RUN AWAY. Don't go pet it and watch as it sets the whole map, and you, on fire.
Seriously going to edit those buggers out pretty soon.
Dear Urist McVampireMiner,
Stop slacking off and go finish digging out that ore tunnel. I know you don't need food or booze, but I want more steel to train up furnace operators. NOW.
Yours,
I know that you know that I know that you're a vampire.
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 15, 2012, 05:30:40 pm
i know that these gems are worth alot being star rubies and all, but come on DO YOU really need to attach them adamantine clothing? i mean its worth more than your arm or leg, do you really want it worth more than YOUR SOUL?!?!
dear miners, keep digging your not done yet
Post by: Mrhappyface on May 15, 2012, 06:13:05 pm
Please stop kicking the cart over the bleeding, crippled dwarf lying on the tracks. It doesn't obey OSHA regulations.
Post by: GoldenShadow on May 15, 2012, 06:47:52 pm
Dear military recruit,
I do appreciate your enthusiasm, but please limit yourself. Its still the first spring and you now have no one to train with.
Post by: Splint on May 15, 2012, 07:00:08 pm
Post by: lazygun on May 15, 2012, 07:48:37 pm
And don't fill up the hospital storage with every single bucket in the entire fortress, even though I asked for only one to be stored there! Leaving none for bringing him water to drink! For Armok's sake, guys! Do you *all* have a grudge against him?
Post by: empfan on May 15, 2012, 07:49:45 pm
Why...the hell...WERE YOU SLEEPING ON THE BRIDGE, ALL 40 OF YOU?!
From,
the mountain homes who exiled you in shame
P.S. Please go die, that fort had more than 70% of our population, you doomed the last of your race.
Post by: Bartinyou on May 15, 2012, 08:30:24 pm
I know you are having quite a chuckle at the soldier who got a compound fracture from training with his buddy, but you are the medical dwarf for a reason. He has now gone a full year with out as much as a wound cleaning. I know it might be quite frightening to see bones jutting out of a dwarf's arm, but judging by the skills you migrated with, it shouldn't be your first time. Hopefully dwarven regeneration will make his bones go back inside of his arm, or else if he dies, you're going to find yourself
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 15, 2012, 09:25:11 pm
you SOMEHOW manage to put gems on shirts how you ever did that i don't want to know, just remember that those cloths are now worth more than all the souls combined in this god forsaken place, thanks to you for making me remember how worthless you all are
your overseer
Post by: WillowLuman on May 15, 2012, 09:59:45 pm
dear urist mc bling for allHe probably used this (http://www.kitkraft.biz/home.php?cat=1027&gclid=CKqFhfHog7ACFWQ0Qgod3lL5jA)
you SOMEHOW manage to put gems on shirts how you ever did that i don't want to know, just remember that those cloths are now worth more than all the souls combined in this god forsaken place, thanks to you for making me remember how worthless you all are
your overseer
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 15, 2012, 10:21:11 pm
Post by: Splint on May 15, 2012, 10:38:22 pm
Welcome to.... Urist what's this place called? Caveville? No? oh.... Axestirred? Should be more like gorlak infested hell pit.
Anyway, we hope you enjoy your stay while me prepare to delve deeper. We apologize for our poor accomodations, but we've been suffering a number of mishaps...
Sazir! Stop throwing dogs and barrels around!
Damn it! Now the mechanic's melancholic....
Anyway, welcome to you tomb.
Overseer.
Post by: Karakzon on May 16, 2012, 03:48:41 pm
You know the waterfall peters off near the edge yes? Yes? good. This does not, and let me make this abundantly clear, NOT, mean you can walk through this area safely. As the 20 or so corpses at the bottom of the fall and the last 3 years caravans debris will attest to.
Please DO NOT cross the river.
Karakon, your benevolent overseer.
Remember, happiness is eternal, those unhappy will be purged.
Post by: MechaGodzilla on May 16, 2012, 04:16:18 pm
Your business is very important to us, and we thank you for your continued support to our economy. We apologize for the inconvenience but Gravesabres is closed for renovations.
Please find enclosed coupons for free
Thank you and come again.
-The Overseer
P.S. If you would be so kind, please stop torturing that poor human trader that you found. The screams are very distracting.
Post by: Flying Fortress on May 16, 2012, 05:35:03 pm
Though the rails look like a nice place to curl up and fall asleep, both you and me don't like when the minecart gets pushed into your skull 10+ times. So please avoid the rails, and the metal carts that fly down them at break neck speeds (literally) so I stop having to clean up Uristmcidiot smears.
Your humble overseer
Post by: Magmodeus on May 16, 2012, 07:02:53 pm
Yes I know the artifact minecart is cool. Yes I know that the tracks are insanely long but make you go faster than the speed it takes to start up my computer. I know I put the stop to ride always, but for the love of me, stop timing it so you crash into dwarves that are crossing. Yeah you wiped out the King, Queen, Baron, etc, but you're staining the marble tracks/walls and the minecart.
Sincerely, Played Too Much Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Post by: m4davis on May 16, 2012, 07:57:24 pm
Dear Urist McThrillRideDear Played To Much Rollercoaster Tycoon
Yes I know the artifact minecart is cool. Yes I know that the tracks are insanely long but make you go faster than the speed it takes to start up my computer. I know I put the stop to ride always, but for the love of me, stop timing it so you crash into dwarves that are crossing. Yeah you wiped out the King, Queen, Baron, etc, but you're staining the marble tracks/walls and the minecart.
Sincerely, Played Too Much Rollercoaster Tycoon.
But I thought you hated nobles and there mandates for slade chairs
From Urist McThrillRide
Post by: Hamsmagoo on May 18, 2012, 07:45:36 pm
Stop punching the mayor! It's not his fault you have no clothes to wear. It's my fault. I admit it.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 18, 2012, 07:58:51 pm
Dear Urists McDeconstructors,
The rules are a bit harsher than they used to be. Please, step out ofthe way of any boulders coming down. Although, really, the cake was taken by the guy who took the stars out from under himself; shame he wasn't one of the guys who got injured notably.
Dear Urist McMiner,
You've brought a couple minor injuries on yourself, but this one was all mine. I'm sorry not to have taken into account all of the ways you could have dug yourself into the future well-shaft, leading inevitably to falling a few z-levels into the cavern lake. Good job of not dying.
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
There were a few troglodyte attacks. After noticing one that attacked you in your sleep, what did you do? Chase it, beat it into a pulp, maybe smash its skull with your steel pick like you did with that troll? No. You were beaten back and retreated once one of your recruits showed up. And no, it doesn't really help that you were just going to get your pick; you should have had it to begin with!
Dear Urist McFarmer,
Good job of saving that cat from those olm-people.
Dear Urist McMiner,
The plan was:
Dig chute, carve tracks, make hole, send weapon-filled minecarts screaming down into the caverns to kill the olm-people.
No part of that plan involved you falling asleep within stabbing and certainly blowgunning distance of the olm-people, and also on the track. Thank Armok you woke up before they noticed you, and judging by the decomposition of the olm-person that the first minecart hit, it's probably good you weren't in its path.
Dear Urists McHauler,
Dig chute, carve tracks, make hole, send weapon-filled minecarts screaming down into the caverns to kill the olm-people.
What part of "weapon-filled" do you not get?
Sincerely et al,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: ClkWrkJester on May 19, 2012, 01:25:26 am
You decided you needed to walk across the map for a cool drink of water.
You decided the rum, wine, beer, etc that I worked my tail off to produce for you wasn't good enough.
You decided the well also wasn't enough for you.
Now you've been killed by zombie marmots. And you know what?
I'm glad you're dead.
Signed - Your Overseer.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 19, 2012, 01:33:45 am
Post by: Sus on May 19, 2012, 03:06:39 am
It has come to my attention that there have been several concerning lapses in the discipline, especially regarding uniform regulations.
As a defender of Razorwheel, you are assigned an uniform for a reason. Your weapon is also a part of that uniform; the most important part, some would say. You are also expected to wear that uniform even when not on active duty, for you may be called to Razorwheel's defence on a moment's notice. The uniform code may save your life.
Poor Obok Anamustuth violated uniform code, and more alarmingly, did so while on patrol duty. Obok also disobeyed a direct order to fall back to a staging area and wait for support to launch a coordinated attack in an orderly fashion. Instead, he chose to charge at a cyclops all by his lonesome, wielding nothing but a bismuth bronze shield.
Obok was buried last month, with little ceremony, in an unadorned sylvite coffin. Do not be an Obok; wear your full kit of armour, at all times, and keep your weapon handy. Be prepared; all our lives depend on it.
P.S.
No, really, I mean it: the debacle last week with the Forgotten Beast, that cost the life of my predecessor, must never, under any circuimstances, be allowed to happen again.
Post by: Bastus on May 19, 2012, 07:19:09 am
I´m sorry what happened to your cat. No one could know that your cat would think that the minecart tracks are a good place for hanging around. So please get off our Mayor it`s not his fault. And it wasn`t the fault of the three haulers you killed, too.
Your Overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on May 19, 2012, 07:24:27 am
Dear Urist McSpeardwarfThe mayor is always to blame
I´m sorry what happened to your cat. No one could know that your cat would think that the minecart tracks are a good place for hanging around. So please get off our Mayor it`s not his fault. And it wasn`t the fault of the three haulers you killed, too.
Your Overseer.
~U. McSpeardwarf
Post by: WaffleEggnog on May 19, 2012, 12:34:22 pm
We are sorry for your loss
We are sorry a minecart full of cerated iron disks was accidentaly shot at lightning speed into your husbands new room.
We are sorry that the minecart hit a wall and sent iron cerated disks everywere.
We are sorry that your husbands new room looked suspicialy like a massive blender.
And most of all, we are sorry you were unable to recive those slade earrings your husband wanted so dearly.
We are sorry for your loss, and we hope you enjoy your rehabilitation in the gold room.
Yours truly, your concerned Overseer
Post by: Garath on May 19, 2012, 12:38:35 pm
Dear Urist McMayorswife
We are sorry for your loss
We are sorry a minecart full of cerated iron disks was accidentaly shot at lightning speed into your husbands new room.
We are sorry that the minecart hit a wall and sent iron cerated disks everywere.
We are sorry that your husbands new room looked suspicialy like a massive blender.
And most of all, we are sorry you were unable to recive those slade earrings your husband wanted so dearly.
We are sorry for your loss, and we hope you enjoy your rehabilitation in the gold room.
Yours truly, your concerned Overseer
you do know you can replace mayors?
Post by: WaffleEggnog on May 19, 2012, 12:42:13 pm
Quote
you do know you can replace mayors?Yes i do, im just worried for his poor wife :3.
Post by: Garath on May 19, 2012, 12:45:16 pm
Post by: billybobfred on May 19, 2012, 02:52:16 pm
Re: The mysterious connection between barrels and booze
You have no booze. I admit, this is partly my own fault.
You cannot make booze, because you have no free barrels. Again, partly my own fault.
But when I tell you to make barrels, and issue standing orders to brew drinks ASAP...
why do you immediately take the barrels for other purposes???
The correct answer is supposed to be "We don't, because we don't like thirst and are not stupid". Not sure how you're getting your answer.
Post by: MehMuffin on May 19, 2012, 03:24:01 pm
I know that I ordered you to dig out that adamantine. I know that this is probably my fault. But please, let me ask one question:
Why is it all exploding?!
Post by: Andux on May 19, 2012, 03:30:57 pm
Spoiler: Image (click to show/hide)
You're doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
Your Facepalming Overlord
Post by: Mrhappyface on May 19, 2012, 04:13:58 pm
Dear Urist McHauler,Yo dawg, I heard you like wheelbarrows.Spoiler: Image (click to show/hide)
You're doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
Your Facepalming Overlord
Post by: Babylon on May 19, 2012, 04:35:06 pm
Dear Urist McHauler,Yo dawg, I heard you like wheelbarrows.Spoiler: Image (click to show/hide)
You're doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
Your Facepalming Overlord
Yo Urist, I herd you like hauling, so I put a wheelbarrow in your minecart so you can haul while you haul.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 19, 2012, 05:43:00 pm
Since that bug where rollers accelerate all minecarts simultaneously was supposed to have been fixed, why is the minecart still accelerating every time the other one is sent on its merry way?
You killed a guineahen, I hope you're happy.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.
(It was a fort from 0.34.08, in case it matters.)
Dear everyone,
You guys suck. Not only did you never unload the minecart sitting just south of the trade depot, leading to the death of one much greater than yourselves, you refused both to feed or water Urist McArmorerAndMason AND to move him to the new hospital, where there was a spare bed. The word "suck" does not begin to describe you guys. Did I mention that this is this fort's FIRST death, despite a few troglodyte attacks on sleeping dwarves and that troll the militi commnder picked a fight with a while back?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
Why do you keep dodging out of the barracks?
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Hamsmagoo on May 19, 2012, 05:46:01 pm
right, it just looked like your mayor had an Unfortunate Accident, which is totally not needed since you can just choose your own mayorWhy replace the mayor when you can throw a cart full of razor-sharp iron at him while he sleeps?
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 19, 2012, 06:06:30 pm
Do I want to know why you brought a minecart full of mugs to your sparring match?
Dear Urist McPlanter,
Why do you keep complaining of a dearth of seeds? We've got dozens, at least.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: WaffleEggnog on May 19, 2012, 06:53:25 pm
right, it just looked like your mayor had an Unfortunate Accident, which is totally not needed since you can just choose your own mayorYour no fun
Post by: Niccolo on May 19, 2012, 09:58:18 pm
How the fuck have you guys managed to reserve every single bucket in my fort? There are thirty buckets here! I made so many just so you morons couldn't use them all at once!
Bloody hell.
Niccolo, Overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 19, 2012, 10:19:10 pm
What. The. Hell.
Alright, Urist McWoodcutterAndNewMason, you were attacked by the GCS while asleep. That's not your fault.
Urist McChiefMedicalDwarf, next time, WAIT to recover wounded until the wounded in question is NOT being attacked by a GCS. Your foolish action lead to your death and to the bedroom hall being filled with webs. Well freakin' done.
Other people who decided to recover one of the two wounded: Same deal.
Urists McCleaners: Why the HELL do you want to clean the bloodstains from under the bleeding dwarves' heads but not the one that's been on the hammerer's bedroom wall ever since that troglodyte was killed there?
Urists McMilita: What took you so long to get to the spider? If it wasn't so busy mangling Urist McWoodcutterAndNewMason and McChiefMedicalDwarf, you'd be dead.
Urist McHerbalist: I understand you were sleepy. Seeing that after the spider died, you slept on the bed with the cooling corpse of Urist McWoodcutterAndNewMason, it's probably for the best that you only got there after the death of the GCS.
Adil Spiderslayer Gatesteppe, slayer of Dangerscorned, you have my deepest thanks. Congrats on running up to the spider, through seas of webbing being continually renewed by the foul beast, then PUNCHING in in the cephalothorax a couple times. It is dead. You killed it. With your FISTS. You used those same fists to kill a troglodyte a while back, but that matters little. You are being promoted to militia commander and given your predecessor's steel pick and quarters. Train with it, okay? You probably need it, seeing as how you've never picked one up in your life.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
-----
Dear Dolra, black-scaled tarantula with large mandibles and a poisonous bite,
You redundant moron, come and get it. We've got a new force to oppose you. You WILL fear the name of Adlil Spiderslayer if you decide to visit the land of Yelledpicks!
Bring.
It.
ON!
Post by: Cyroth on May 19, 2012, 11:23:13 pm
There is a reason why the tracks are mostly seperated from the rest of the fortress and are set as a restricted traffic area.
Please stop running into the minecrart tunnels in some stupid test of courage. All it does is getting yourself hurt and endangering actually useful dorfs who have to come into the tunnels to retrieve your broken remains after you got hit by a speeding iron minecart.
Sincerely,
The overseer
Dear Urist McBabymaker
Stop complaining about your 2 dead children, you still have 2 more and a baby left.
And stop tantruming, if you had raised them better then maybe they would not have crawled trough the restricted minecart tunnels.
Remember that happiness is mandatory, failing to be happy is treason.
Sincerely,
Friend overseer.
Post by: Corai on May 19, 2012, 11:28:18 pm
THE HELL DID YOU BRING A NUCLEAR STACK OF BOLTS? YOU SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE!
Love, your kobold overseer who is on fire.
Post by: Callista on May 19, 2012, 11:42:58 pm
Yes, I know your preferences state that you "like dresses". For the record, I am an open-minded sort of overseer, and have no problem with your wearing as many dresses as your little bearded heart desires.
What I do not appreciate is when you run to the caravan mid-siege to shoplift crappy low-quality dresses, steal the dresses off goblin prisoners, and scatter them all over the Useless Migrants' Dormitory even though you have a bedroom and containers of your own, all while ignoring the nice masterwork clothing stacked neatly in our stockpiles.
Cross-dressing is all well and good, but can you please stop being so obnoxious about it? Dresses are NOT "the new socks", and you'll never convince the rest of the fort of it, no matter how often you risk life and limb to increase the size of your already voluminous wardrobe.
Your Limitedly Permissive Overseer
P.S. Consider yourself reassigned to the wood-cutting team. It was just too obvious to pass up. Also, now I have that song stuck in my head. Again.
Post by: Niccolo on May 20, 2012, 02:14:15 am
For fuck's sake, learn to goddamn read. Do they not have dictionaries in Gobbotopia? Or are you all just that bloody stupid? It's not an ambush if I can predict your arrival to millisecond precision.
Post by: Splint on May 20, 2012, 02:18:31 am
Post by: Niccolo on May 20, 2012, 07:24:16 am
Also, after several dozen goblin ambushes have gotten chainsawed (Along with a pile of Elven caravans) there's a lot of extraneous rubbish on there that's still being sorted through.
Still - it's kinda at the point of "See merchant, look for goblins", which is frustrating - and not really an ambush.
...
Though, occasionally they do surprise me. Like when they come pouring out of the volcano. How they got in there is a mystery.
Post by: Cyroth on May 20, 2012, 07:28:00 am
Post by: Loud Whispers on May 20, 2012, 07:38:00 am
Dear Urist McHaulersDear Niccolo, Overseer,
How the fuck have you guys managed to reserve every single bucket in my fort? There are thirty buckets here! I made so many just so you morons couldn't use them all at once!
Bloody hell.
Niccolo, Overseer.
I took your buckets,
I now have 132 wells,
And 133 buckets.
And I put liquids in all of them.
Post by: Mrmac23 on May 20, 2012, 08:00:36 am
Apparently, you killed a Forgotten Beast called Piware that we in Silverright never noticed. I'm not sure how to put this, but well done.
I would give your corpse a burial, but i have absolutely no idea where you or Piware are.
Post by: ObeseHelmet on May 20, 2012, 08:56:28 am
Armok-damn it, I'm trying to trade with the dwarves. But when I turn off masonry on you, you haul around wheelbarrows. When I turn off hauling, you get a drink.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??
EDIT: And now he's eating? After the drink? F**k you, I'm making you a fish cleaner.
Post by: Niccolo on May 20, 2012, 09:15:11 am
Dear Niccolo, Overseer,
I took your buckets,
I now have 132 wells,
And 133 buckets.
And I put liquids in all of them.
WHY do you have 132 wells? Does each dwarf get his own special one?
...
If that's the case, well done. And I'm a little scared of you now.
Post by: Loud Whispers on May 20, 2012, 09:31:21 am
WHY do you have 132 wells? Does each dwarf get his own special one?I think my logic pre-construction was since only one Dwarf can use a well at a time, I was going to make sure there would never be a queue. And then I might have not realized just how big I was making the damn thing ;P
...
If that's the case, well done. And I'm a little scared of you now.
To note, my reservoir has been filling up for 3 years now, and is still not full.
Post by: Garath on May 20, 2012, 12:23:19 pm
Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader:
Armok-damn it, I'm trying to trade with the dwarves. But when I turn off masonry on you, you haul around wheelbarrows. When I turn off hauling, you get a drink.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??
EDIT: And now he's eating? After the drink? F**k you, I'm making you a fish cleaner.
have you even noticed the "anyone can trade" toggle?
Post by: Hamsmagoo on May 20, 2012, 12:47:37 pm
What's the point of even invading my fortress, if you're just going to stand around in the jungle, strangling the mayor for OVER A MONTH!?!?!?!?!?
Post by: Ria Hawk on May 20, 2012, 01:24:40 pm
Dear Lulo Rapidstrong the Color of Elders, Cyclops,
What's the point of even invading my fortress, if you're just going to stand around in the jungle, strangling the mayor for OVER A MONTH!?!?!?!?!?
At least it wasn't someone *useful?* Unless it was one of those nice mayors that like practical things. Also, I think I'm more impressed by the fact that it *took* a month to strangle the mayor. >>
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 20, 2012, 01:39:34 pm
Dear drake:
That minecart has hit you several times before. As amusing as it is to see you skimming over the plain, I'd appreciate it if you'd stay off the tracks.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Post by: Hamsmagoo on May 20, 2012, 02:04:00 pm
Actually waited two months, got bored, and sent out the military to save him with 0 casualities. Greatly overestimated the abilities of this cyclops.Dear Lulo Rapidstrong the Color of Elders, Cyclops,
What's the point of even invading my fortress, if you're just going to stand around in the jungle, strangling the mayor for OVER A MONTH!?!?!?!?!?
At least it wasn't someone *useful?* Unless it was one of those nice mayors that like practical things. Also, I think I'm more impressed by the fact that it *took* a month to strangle the mayor. >>
The mayor cancelled a mandate while being strangled, so it all worked out for the best. He'll get a crutch and limp it off.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 20, 2012, 02:10:48 pm
The aligator snapping turtle that the stork corpse killed is alive again! Go kill it, please. No, Urist, it's not in the food stockpile, you're going the wrong way...
Dear Armok,
Why do you like sending white stork corpses at me? It happened last time I settled in an evil area, too...
Sincerely
GWG, Overseer.
Post by: ledgekindred on May 20, 2012, 03:26:25 pm
I drafted you and sent you into the caverns so you could a) scout the caverns for me, b) stop eating my dorfs, c) die. Please do (a) and (c) already. You do too have a path to that herd of crawling eyes over there. I know they aren't going to be a challenge, but you're just standing in place, issuing moronic mandates. However in Armok's name you manage to do that from the third cavern level when you are walled out, I have no idea.
Dear Third Cavern Level Miscreants,
Where are you? Up until now I've had two forgotten beasts and a GCS come crawling from the depths. Now you're satisfied with a bunch of eyes with feet? I want that guy dead so get on with it already.
Yrs
Impatient Omniscient Overseer
Post by: empfan on May 20, 2012, 03:36:07 pm
Dear Urist McSwordsDwarf,
The aligator snapping turtle that the stork corpse killed is alive again! Go kill it, please. No, Urist, it's not in the food stockpile, you're going the wrong way...
Dear Armok,
Why do you like sending white stork corpses at me? It happened last time I settled in an evil area, too...
Sincerely
GWG, Overseer.
Think of that with me, but with Vultures shoving my dwarves into the river and giant badger zombies...every...Single...time
Post by: Sus on May 20, 2012, 09:34:02 pm
I am certain you imagine your little larvae to be beautiful and unique snowflakes. Nevertheless, I would appreciate if you did not shove them in my face when I'm trying to organize a battle so that the goblins don't fucking kill all of us, including you and your precious little parasites.
The same goes for you, Mr. "W00t w00t, I'mma getting my mood on!". Sure, you got a fancy idea and want stone blocks and whatever. Now go fetch, and leave me the fuck alone. Some of us are trying to keep all of us alive here.
Post by: billybobfred on May 20, 2012, 10:41:40 pm
CC: Unknown forces from beyond space and time
Re: That artifact
Is there a reason you built a statue of our manager and a book titled "The Truth about Doom"? Is there, perhaps, something you're trying to tell me?
Post by: krenshala on May 21, 2012, 12:19:45 am
Please excuse the rush ... I'm in the middle of attemping to find the gneissest bolder over here, but ... did you happen to see any cat bone laying around? Oh, and some silk ... yes, giant cave spider silk I think it was called. Oh, and I'll need some llama wool yarn I think. And some ... wait, is that a - a - a goblin? Why did you lock him in here?! HEY! Let me *OUCH*! HALP! HALP! I'M BEING REPRESSED!!
Post by: empfan on May 21, 2012, 06:28:49 am
Thank you for being cooperative, as usual. The mountainhomes still refuse to talk to me, so you and the drows are basically my only way to know about the outside world. The mountainhomes can all die for all I care at this point, I got my golems and some weapons that you gave me...
From,
The Omnipresent Overseer
Post by: Zio on May 21, 2012, 10:00:32 am
I know some of the jobs I have assigned to you seemed redundant or not so urgent, like the 60+ chair order when we were a fort of 20 dwarfs or the time I had you re-do that bridge four times, or just plain overkill like walling the inaccessible pit; but if there is a f***ing siege walking towards my dining hall and the only thing between them and us is a door I think you should hurry the hell up building the fortification I ordered there.
To the mason who actually tried getting the wall done
Great job, it would have been nicer if your damn dog hadn't been suspending my walls though, lesson learned thought no dogs for masons from the next fort on.
To the one who was above ground on the siege
It was your own damn fault that you died. You didn't had any reason to be above ground, you disobeyed the alert and ran to the wrong side.
I just wanted to let you know I laughed when you died.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mourning your loss,
Your Overlord AKA "the bastard who made a tunnel from the outside to the meeting area."
Post by: Hanslanda on May 21, 2012, 09:25:04 pm
Great job on the yak bone hammer, really beautiful. Now that you have legendary, maybe you should... You know... Make me some useful items? Like a REAL weapon? Or possibly just jump off a cliff and die? Either way, that'd be terrific.
Signed,
The Boss.
Post by: ydaraishy on May 21, 2012, 09:58:33 pm
Why, just why did you lot have to blithely walk through the cloud of zombifying vile vapour to get to our fort? Now I'll probably lose at least five soldiers trying to put you out of your misery. Thanks for that. Bastards.
Good thing there's only three of you left now that you've killed all your friends.
Yours in hatred,
The Overseer
Post by: Splint on May 21, 2012, 10:09:21 pm
Get to fucking work, we need that damn built! I need to see if this means of fishing will work if carp or something show up!
Signed, your overseer.
Post by: Corai on May 21, 2012, 10:14:48 pm
WHY. WHY IS IT EVERYTIME I TRY TO NOT KILL YOU, YOU COME AND AMBUSH ME?
Love, the person that just killed your faces.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 21, 2012, 11:17:54 pm
Y U No work on Mac?
Post by: Jeoshua on May 21, 2012, 11:39:17 pm
Linux... now that's Dwarfy.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 21, 2012, 11:40:38 pm
Mac isn't Dorfy enough.Linux is for necromancers that can make a FATAL ERROR screen revert by gesturing.
Linux... now that's Dwarfy.
Post by: Jeoshua on May 21, 2012, 11:43:51 pm
Post by: Reudh on May 22, 2012, 04:16:16 am
Linux OS distro Debian shudders and begins to work!
Post by: Garath on May 22, 2012, 05:56:36 am
Dear all dwarves,Y.. yak
Y U No work on Mac?
U... humans
No work on Mac?
Yay, vacation
I don't really get the message though
yak human don't work on mac? got some problem with werebeasts?, or Y U don't work on mac? in that case it'se your keyboard, either the key for making capital letters or the keys itself, maybe you need to clean it a bit.
Post by: Greiger on May 22, 2012, 08:56:58 am
Please put the body in the coffin before the teeth. Somehow 6 of the masons teeth is enough to fill the thing up and now there is no room to fit the body.
To the carpenters,
Make bigger coffins.
"love",
The administration.
Post by: Keldor on May 22, 2012, 08:55:06 pm
Mac isn't Dorfy enough.
Linux... now that's Dwarfy.
Mac is downright Elfy, in fact. Intuitive rather than logical, and restrictive with doing anything outside of the expected user behavior. Also, there's the general air of condecension about it (though that might just be the user base).
Post by: wierd on May 22, 2012, 10:07:32 pm
Try the amiga user fanbase. If windows users are humans, and linux users dwarves, and osx users are elven.....amiga fan..things... are the residents of the necromancer's tower, raising the bones of the dead to do unnantural things.
Behold! The computer undead! (http://amigaworld.net/modules/newbb/index.php)
Post by: WillowLuman on May 22, 2012, 11:34:04 pm
Post by: Nyxalinth on May 23, 2012, 12:47:42 am
You think macOS is bad?
Try the amiga user fanbase. If windows users are humans, and linux users dwarves, and osx users are elven.....amiga fan..things... are the residents of the necromancer's tower, raising the bones of the dead to do unnantural things.
Behold! The computer undead! (http://amigaworld.net/modules/newbb/index.php)
In that case, I'll be off to compose my lengthy tome while my undead minions lurch around my tower :D It shall be called "Ancientglories" and be written with much complaining about how an inferior system won out due to better marketing and it will be bound in elf bones /tongue in cheek
Seriously, while I miss my Amiga, I do love my PC.
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 23, 2012, 10:04:46 pm
Post by: Sus on May 24, 2012, 10:51:04 am
Ah, poor Amiga. Wonderful for gaming and making demos, not so much for anything else. Yet it still evokes a feeling of nostalgia... :)You think macOS is bad?
Try the amiga user fanbase. If windows users are humans, and linux users dwarves, and osx users are elven.....amiga fan..things... are the residents of the necromancer's tower, raising the bones of the dead to do unnantural things.
Behold! The computer undead! (http://amigaworld.net/modules/newbb/index.php)
In that case, I'll be off to compose my lengthy tome while my undead minions lurch around my tower :D It shall be called "Ancientglories" and be written with much complaining about how an inferior system won out due to better marketing and it will be bound in elf bones /tongue in cheek
Seriously, while I miss my Amiga, I do love my PC.
Post by: fakechuck on May 24, 2012, 01:35:44 pm
Post by: Callista on May 24, 2012, 03:04:21 pm
The most annoying thing to me right now is the fact that trading is a lower priority job than anything else. This really doesn't make any sense given there is a dedicated position for brokerage and having to assign my broker to a 'TRADE NOW MOTHERFUCKER' burrow gets old quickly.Yeah, that's really crazy. Nothing should be higher priority than trading, other than eating when starving or drinking while dehydrated (not just "hungry" or "thirsty"). I think part of the problem is that the trader doesn't get the go-to-depot task until everything's been dragged to the depot already, and by then he's usually found something else to do. My solution would be to have the trading be a high priority task that starts when the first item lands in the depot and doesn't get canceled unless the broker is starving, dehydrated, asleep on the spot, or chased away by an enemy.
Post by: fakechuck on May 24, 2012, 03:21:57 pm
Post by: Hanslanda on May 24, 2012, 10:25:25 pm
Why, in the name of me, did you think that that side of the door was the correct one to link it from? Do you LIKE being on fire? It could be arranged, very swiftly. Magma is no joke, and it isn't funny when you attempt to set yourself on fire. Are you from Jackass? Did you get a social skill stat boost from running around on fire like, well, a jackass?
Sincerely,
Supreme Overlord
Post by: Jake on May 25, 2012, 01:59:09 am
Sending no fewer than twelve hunters to the fortress I've using to test the Black Powder Firearms mod would have been more helpful if the mod wasn't horribly, horribly broken for no apparent reason, but currently feels rather like you're mocking me. It's also creating some logistical issues; I haven't even been able to plant half the crops I have seeds for lest we run out of larder space, and if I foist much more of the surplus upon the merchants I'll have their home civ preferring charges of attempted murder by cholesterol poisoning!
All the same, thanks for the four fey moods in genuinely useful skills and an "ambush" that consisted of about five goblins, all of whom were clobbered by the caravan guards without trouble while my so-called militia were buggering about trying to find their armour.
Yours,
An Avatar of Armok and Novice Modder.
Post by: Ruhn on May 25, 2012, 12:37:59 pm
Yes, I saw the lizard down in the dry moat. Somehow one of you used cat-ESP to alert every other feline in the fortress of this fact. Why don't you give up? The maintenance hatch is quite locked, there is no way to get to this lizard. In fact, the hatch is locked for your safety. It could be quite dangerous to go down there if ...
Screw it, you all just had full litters anyway. Good luck with that.
Disclaimer: No dwarves were injured in the battle for the lizard.
Post by: snoopychicken on May 25, 2012, 07:41:04 pm
From now on no migrant wave will be allowed in if they bring more children than they do adults. We've got enough dead weight, we don't need anymore!
Love to your mothers,
All Seeing God.
Post by: ZzarkLinux on May 25, 2012, 07:57:54 pm
Maybe it's just me, but it seems like you've been sitting in that cavern lake for way too long.
Yes, it is cool to see you down there, and you're also hanging out with those Cave Fish (They do exist).
But I'm starting to think that you are blocking undead wildlife from spawning. All I see is you, and nothing else.
I've sealed off your pool, and the Dwarves are using another pool for cleaning/drinking/pumping.
Please vacate the map so that hopefully more zombies will appear.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
P.S. I don't have time to drop a mountain on you. Please just leave now (http://www.nbp.org/nbp/images/book_photos/BC1202-MARVIN.jpg)
Post by: Sarkovar on May 26, 2012, 12:37:22 am
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
Post by: Tenth Speed Writer on May 26, 2012, 01:31:25 am
While I commend your high respect for the fort's fallen heroes in the battle against the fire-bound hill giant,
and while I applaud your dedication to your duties,
I wish to kindly remind you:
FIRE SPREADS.
Sincerely, 126 other very crispy dwarves.
Post by: Morpha on May 26, 2012, 12:05:55 pm
In hindsight, giving you 10 war dogs was a terrible move, and I should of seen it coming when you were miserable over several dying. Where I really went wrong was assigning those dogs to be slaughtered, hoping you wouldn't notice. Please stop breaking bones with your wooden training axe and full iron armor, I have no other trained dwarf and your skill with a wooden axe is honestly scaring me.
Yours tensely,
One very amused overseer
Edit: there is an entire page of teeth knocked out from the axe dwarf himself, and some poor bastard who seems to have goten into a fight with him. Nothing else, just a huge list of missing teeth from the poor dwarf, with a much smaller list from the berserk one.
Post by: Garath on May 26, 2012, 12:10:03 pm
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
eh, just one question.... in which way was this frustrating? seems more fitting for a "tell your heroic tale"
Post by: WillowLuman on May 26, 2012, 12:36:16 pm
I don't know how you changed your routine, mental processes, outlook on life, etc., but don't stop! Suddenly I'm having very good luck with you guys not dying to the most frustrating reasons. Don't go back to being offed by boogeymen, wildlife, or water please!
Post by: Garath on May 26, 2012, 01:25:45 pm
Dear Adventurers,
I don't know how you changed your routine, mental processes, outlook on life, etc., but don't stop! Suddenly I'm having very good luck with you guys not dying to the most frustrating reasons. Don't go back to being offed by boogeymen, wildlife, or water please!
since bogeymen only appear while sleeping outdoors when alone, how do you manage to get a companion killed by them?
Post by: Sarkovar on May 26, 2012, 01:40:11 pm
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
eh, just one question.... in which way was this frustrating? seems more fitting for a "tell your heroic tale"
My militia commander who was fully decked out in steel and training for this very moment was killed in an instant, he didn't even bruise the swordmaster, but a pot ash maker single handedly killed 5 gobbos with an oak log.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 26, 2012, 01:43:15 pm
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
...That's got to be the best use of a log I've seen in a long time.
Post by: tahujdt on May 26, 2012, 02:51:04 pm
Post by: GoldenShadow on May 26, 2012, 03:36:59 pm
I saw that. No cheating....
(standing adjacent to the archery target instead of standing behind the line.)
oh wait. I see there was a tree in the line of fire so you stood in front of it. Ok, I'll have that chopped down for you.
Post by: Bartinyou on May 26, 2012, 04:47:37 pm
I was quite amazed at your prowess and killing 3 langur men, I was amused when you chased after the ostriches, I was not amused when 3 out of the 4 of you chased after a pack of rhinos leading to multiple injuries to dwarves and 2 of your own deaths. Please be good little dogs and produce children before you next fit of valor.
Love n Respect,
Your Humble
Post by: Garath on May 26, 2012, 07:35:02 pm
you're part of our 10 man lasher squad. I let you guys fight 20 stripped goblins, 2 of them elite. Ofcourse you won, I was never in doubt, and noone of you was hurt. However, I would like to ask why, in two and a half pages of your combat log, you never used your whip? Your shield bashes were awesome and when you bit off that hand, priceless. Still, learn to use that whip.
Sincerely,
your personal training coach
Post by: imperium3 on May 26, 2012, 08:09:31 pm
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
This is fucking awesome.
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 26, 2012, 08:58:28 pm
please stop standing around in my jail, its not a meeting area for fucks sake,its where we put vampires and murders to slowly bleed or be bitten to death, oh and please, stay by the statue garden, IT HAS THREE FUCKING ADAMANTINE STATUES are you not satisfied? would you like me to invent adamantine toilet paper so i can wipe your royal ass your highness? would you like my to whip my self while i'm at that? and would you like a order of plump roast with those?
Post by: Greiger on May 26, 2012, 09:15:50 pm
Well you see staring at them all the time gets boring you know? And this rope here is oh so fine quality. As for your other suggestions the adamantine toilet paper was already invented I'm afraid. Although extremely effective the pain and mutilation inflicted on the first test subject caused all the investors to stop their funding.
As for the whipping, you do not need to do that, as you are more useful with all your digits attached. A caning will do. And yes I would like a plump helmet roast thank you.
urist mc-urist.
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 26, 2012, 09:49:21 pm
Post by: Andux on May 26, 2012, 10:46:23 pm
As for your other suggestions the adamantine toilet paper was already invented I'm afraid. Although extremely effective the pain and mutilation inflicted on the first test subject caused all the investors to stop their funding.
The Cheese Maker loses hold of the +adamantine bathroom tissue+.
The flying +adamantine bathroom tissue+ strikes The Cheese Maker in the lower body from behind and the severed part sails off in an arc!
Urist McButterfingers, Cheese Maker has been struck down.
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 27, 2012, 12:12:03 am
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 27, 2012, 02:56:10 pm
sincerely your very angry force
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 27, 2012, 03:36:29 pm
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 27, 2012, 03:38:03 pm
Post by: Splint on May 27, 2012, 03:49:05 pm
The 1st company squad is already at axelord status, hurry the hell up or no armor for the rest of you!
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on May 27, 2012, 04:07:50 pm
great, my miner just made a flood gate out of shale, decorating it with cushion cut cabadones made out of shale and gypsum, along with horse bones decorating it and then there are the rings of giant toad bone hanging from it, good job, you get a one way ticket to Death resort!
Dear Overseer Meta, don't you see how useful it is? Put it in a noble's room or something. He'll be ecstatic until you flood it.
Sincerely,
Urist Mc(NowLegendary)Miner.
Post by: Meta The Golem on May 27, 2012, 04:33:45 pm
____________________________________________________________________________
oh Armonk the traders just came over, listen get in there and don't touch ANYTHING until you hear the click
and please don't go into another mood
Post by: Splint on May 27, 2012, 04:45:51 pm
Please refrain from killing eachother. I know you don't have helmets but that's no excuse to throw a squadmate into the wall headfirst to his death. His little brother was quite upset by this development. Not only that, but you idiots have managed to break not only your sergeant's ribs last year, but you shattered his hand this year! None of you guys had grudges, so why the hell do you keep insiting on breaking his bones? Jesus. If you idiots quit it I'll get some leather armor made to coushin your throws, but that's it until you become elite limb-snapping practitioners.
Post by: oven_baked on May 27, 2012, 05:55:39 pm
I know the old terrible dining room with two seats is OK, But it might be sensible to start digging out the new massive legendary hall which can fit the entire fort 4x over?
Dear Haulers:
I agree hauling stone to build walls isn't fun; but neither is having your arms ripped off by goblins!
Dear masons:
While the Haulers may be slaking off that doesn't give you the excuse to go on break permanently. May I remind you; We have a pit fall of goblins and they are quiet hungry! :P
Post by: Babylon on May 27, 2012, 08:15:54 pm
Dear Miners:
I know the old terrible dining room with two seats is OK, But it might be sensible to start digging out the new massive legendary hall which can fit the entire fort 4x over?
Dear Haulers:
I agree hauling stone to build walls isn't fun; but neither is having your arms ripped off by goblins!
Dear masons:
While the Haulers may be slaking off that doesn't give you the excuse to go on break permanently. May I remind you; We have a pit fall of goblins and they are quiet hungry! :P
Now we know you are bluffing. Goblins have [NO_EAT]
Urist McMason.
Post by: petebull on May 28, 2012, 03:14:41 am
Dear Miners:
I know the old terrible dining room with two seats is OK, But it might be sensible to start digging out the new massive legendary hall which can fit the entire fort 4x over?
Use burrows, but watch them, while they could sleep on the floor, they should drink and eat when they need to
Quote
Dear Haulers:
I agree hauling stone to build walls isn't fun; but neither is having your arms ripped off by goblins!
Use blocks. Or minecarts. Or both
Post by: Garath on May 28, 2012, 05:12:54 am
dear "legendary" miner, please step in to this luxurious room made entirely out of copperyes but i just had a better i idea, i'm gonna build a room for the exact purpose of making fall into the underground lake to drown you
____________________________________________________________________________
oh Armonk the traders just came over, listen get in there and don't touch ANYTHING until you hear the click
and please don't go into another mood
from: the Mountainhomes
to: Meta
please investigate included documents. These being:
The usefullness and use of artifact buildings in military defence; attracting building destroyers.
('for dummies' edition)
and:
Thank Armok you made a usefull artifact and not a ring, amulet, scepter, earring, crown, toy, perfect gem or instrument.
Post by: Sus on May 28, 2012, 05:42:44 am
from: the MountainhomesThis.
to: Meta
please investigate included documents. These being:
The usefullness and use of artifact buildings in military defence; attracting building destroyers.
('for dummies' edition)
and:
Thank Armok you made a usefull artifact and not a ring, amulet, scepter, earring, crown, toy, perfect gem or instrument.
Also, an artifact floodgate is an easy way to make a safe water pipe into your reservoir.
Post by: oven_baked on May 28, 2012, 06:07:05 am
Use blocks. Or minecarts. Or bothIt is stone blocks and minecarts. It's just nobody wants to load the damn things and push them!
And goblin pits while they don't eat them they do a good job of killing them.
Post by: Tirion on May 28, 2012, 08:21:38 am
Post by: wierd on May 28, 2012, 10:57:42 am
Urist, why O WHY you drop and "can't pick it up boss, dangerous terrain" important stuff when admiring my perfectly safe mist generator??
I'm a dwarf maan! Half me body's made of DIRT! Gettin me wet, from head ta toe!? Ya tryin ta kill me lad!? Nae! I taint goin nuplace near it!
And I drops the stoof cause it burns me suh much!
Post by: WillowLuman on May 28, 2012, 11:19:11 pm
Thats it, modding dwarves to be Earthbenders now.Urist, why O WHY you drop and "can't pick it up boss, dangerous terrain" important stuff when admiring my perfectly safe mist generator??
I'm a dwarf maan! Half me body's made of DIRT! Gettin me wet, from head ta toe!? Ya tryin ta kill me lad!? Nae! I taint goin nuplace near it!
And I drops the stoof cause it burns me suh much!
Post by: Garath on May 29, 2012, 02:54:04 am
Post by: Eric Blank on May 29, 2012, 04:16:08 am
How the fuck did you even manage to do that!?
Sincerely, your utterly confuzzled Overseer.
P.S. Nevermind, figured it out. Gonna build a wall around the magma-incinerator shute so your wife doesn't catch the ‼magmatic happiness‼ as well.
Post by: Garath on May 29, 2012, 08:19:29 am
Post by: FFXBHU on May 29, 2012, 10:22:59 am
Especially if you're carving stairs upwards I would like to get a damp stone warning and job cancelation.
Sincerely,
My last fortress
Post by: Blizzlord on May 29, 2012, 10:33:45 am
Please don't drink my dwarves blood. Doing that kills them, and I need them and their blood to create a magma death ray.
Sincerely, the weaponization overseer.
Post by: nymall on May 29, 2012, 01:42:26 pm
I can understand the toil of working in the caverns, and that good, hard work can make one SO THIRSTY. I can understand that in your dehydrated state, jumping off the bridge into the liquid below sounded like a good idea. What was the thing that tipped you off that this wasn't water? The slight burning feeling? The glowing? Or was it the fire, Urist, was it the fire?
I realize that about half-way down, You came to the conclusion that this was a stupid mistake. Unfortunately, you were at the bottom of the MAGMA SEA at the time, so there wasn't much I could do for you. Your much smarter, and very much still alive relatives will be left to deal with the funeral arrangements.
Sincerely,
Your Confused Overseer.
Post by: WriterX on May 29, 2012, 02:27:22 pm
WHY U NO HEAL?
Sincerely,
Dying Dorf
Post by: JarinArenos on May 29, 2012, 02:39:56 pm
Those parallel tracks carved into the ground are not a good place to sit down for a snack. Please remember this when you return to active duty.
Sincerly, high command.
Post by: snoopychicken on May 29, 2012, 04:52:48 pm
I meant to press save not abandon! Honestly! Feel free to come back when the place is up and running again.
With apologies,
Your bumbling overseer
Post by: Hamsmagoo on May 29, 2012, 07:17:42 pm
Why did you just put a wool bag of plump helmet seeds on a cinnabar chair in the house of the Captain of the Guard? What gave you the impression that a cinnabar chair in the house of the Captain of the Guard was the seed stockpile?
Post by: crazysheep on May 29, 2012, 07:18:14 pm
Dear Urist McDoctor,
WHY U NO HEAL?
Sincerely,
Dying Dorf
Urist McDoctor cancels reply: On break
Post by: Boes on May 29, 2012, 08:04:34 pm
When I direct you to channel out the stones holding the magma back, don't jump down there to see if it's hot. It is.
and stop running for the booze stockpile once you catch on fire.
3 forts lost to booze fire now, today.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 29, 2012, 09:14:41 pm
STOP RUNNING AFTER HIPPOS
-Your obituaries.
Post by: Aramco on May 29, 2012, 10:47:15 pm
Giving birth in the middle of battle is acceptable. Letting the baby survive is unacceptable.
That is all.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 29, 2012, 10:48:35 pm
Post by: Aramco on May 29, 2012, 10:51:15 pm
Not even if the baby beats a goblin swordmaster to death with the leg of a goblin lasher?
Dear Urist,
After letting your baby beat the goblin swordmaster to death with the leg of a goblin lasher,
please pass out from exhaustion and drop the baby onto our giant steel serrated disk traps.
That is all.
Post by: Corai on May 29, 2012, 10:53:15 pm
STOP HARRASING MY ADVENTURERS! STOP.
Love, your overlord.
Post by: misko27 on May 30, 2012, 12:17:47 am
When I asked you to do some important work on the magma resevoir, and you volunteered, I couldn't be happier. However, at the key moment, you decide to go grab a drink, and the magma floods. The fact that my quick thinking, and someone else's more dedicated work, saved the day is beside the point. Are you unhappy about something? Is it the fact I drafted you to mining? if it is, killing us all is not the appropriate way of expressing yourself.
Sincerly,
Angry overseer
Dear Urist McOtherMiner,
What about the magma resevoir semed like a good place to nap? The fact the magma was literally next to you when you fell asleep? Or that you're job was to staunch the Magma tide from killing us all? Now, I'm down one miner and a steel pick. If you come back as a ghost and haunt us, you are NOT getting a slab. Go ahead, haunt the Magma for all I care.
Sincerly,
REALLY Angry overseer.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter
I'd jut like to thank you for showing up at the last moment and saving us all from a fiery death.
Your Friend,
Urist McOverseer
Post by: Garath on May 30, 2012, 08:35:05 am
Dear Urist McDoctor,
WHY U NO HEAL?
Sincerely,
Dying Dorf
Urist McDoctor cancels reply: On break
Humans (U) don't heal you, you should know that, now what is the question? I'm on my break.
Post by: WriterX on May 30, 2012, 12:32:20 pm
Dear Urist McDoctor,
WHY U NO HEAL?
Sincerely,
Dying Dorf
Urist McDoctor cancels reply: On break
Humans (U) don't heal you, you should know that, now what is the question? I'm on my break.
Dying Dorf bleeds to death on your dining table.
Post by: Poindexterity on May 30, 2012, 01:48:06 pm
Post by: Splint on May 30, 2012, 01:49:07 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on May 30, 2012, 01:55:18 pm
It happens when you order a lever pulled, too. It's always the cripple with novice crutchwalking farthest from the lever that gets the job to pull it.
Post by: Splint on May 30, 2012, 02:03:58 pm
Thank you for giving my two axelords awesome titles in your feeble assaults. Ecen The Flayer (well, the Flayed Plank of Metal, but The Flayer sounds more badass) And Bugi The Virtuous Haze eargly await next year's ambushes. Oh and thanks for getting a couple cavern squads some bloodying. They needed that.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns.
------------
Dear Kobolds of Strabis
Think you can send ambushes or something? Your thieves clarly aren't up to the task of stealing things alone, and the Townwatch needs more practice.
Thank you,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns.
Post by: Sus on May 30, 2012, 11:59:31 pm
Don't you think poisoning poor Monom with your Forgotten Beast extract after your stinger tore his head clean off the body was a bit overkill? I mean, he died before the venom even had time to absorb, anyway.
- Sus, the Very Unhappy overseer of the fort you just attacked
P.S. At least we did you in in the end, tho it cost the lives of a great many dwarvenkin.
Post by: Dude_Jebawe on May 31, 2012, 04:37:13 am
I know you hate snow. However, in the future, please shoot the Minotaur first.
Sincerely, Your overlord.
Post by: WriterX on May 31, 2012, 04:37:43 am
Dear Atu, Forgotten Beast:
Don't you think poisoning poor Monom with your Forgotten Beast extract after your stinger tore his head clean off the body was a bit overkill? I mean, he died before the venom even had time to absorb, anyway.
- Sus, the Very Unhappy overseer of the fort you just attacked
P.S. At least we did you in in the end, tho it cost the lives of a great many dwarvenkin.
Dear Sus,
I'll be back.
Atu
Post by: Broseph Stalin on May 31, 2012, 06:43:22 am
I know you've had a hard time dealing with the waves of kea in the absence of our professional military especially considering that our fearless militia commander somehow got his axe stolen but I feel it necessary to remind you about personal responsibility. You are all responsible for keeping track of your posessions, that means put your shirts in your rooms when you're wearing your armor, remember where you've left your weapons, and Sizir Edanducim PICK UP YOUR FUCKING HAND IT'S ROTTING IN THE DINING ROOM!
Post by: Greiger on May 31, 2012, 09:18:12 am
Eww, but it's all sticky and rotten. Besides it isn't my property anymore. One of the contracts the bookeeper made us sign to get the annoying flashing X off of us made our corpse, and any severed limbs the property of the fortress upon death or removal. So it's not my problem. Deal with it.
Sizir Edanducium
(P.S. Designate a corpse stockpile, limbs of your guys don't count as refuse, they count as corpses, and the limb will be placed there.)
Post by: Broseph Stalin on May 31, 2012, 03:37:09 pm
To Broseph StalinI know how to fix it, I was going without a refuse stockpile and having the dead taken directly to the catacombs. I decided it would just be funnier to have it dumped on the floor of his room in the pile of clothes littering the floor.
Eww, but it's all sticky and rotten. Besides it isn't my property anymore. One of the contracts the bookeeper made us sign to get the annoying flashing X off of us made our corpse, and any severed limbs the property of the fortress upon death or removal. So it's not my problem. Deal with it.
Sizir Edanducium
(P.S. Designate a corpse stockpile, limbs of your guys don't count as refuse, they count as corpses, and the limb will be placed there.)
Post by: Morpha on June 01, 2012, 10:46:29 am
How the fuck did you turn a single gem into an entire table? I know you only used one because I checked. All jewelcrafting will be done solely by you and you will get a legendary bedroom for your contribution.
Dear Urist Mcwallbuilders
Don't suppose you could do the same thing and make the entire wall out of a single rock in one go do you? We've had THREE bloody werebeast attacks so far already, the first when we were only 10 dwarves. Thank god he went after the unicorn.
Dear Urist McBabyPopper
Please stop.
Dear Urist McWereAnimals
Really guys? Give me a solid hour without one of you bastards appearing and let's see how you fare. Just for the record, Commander Badass will be sent after you if you do that again. You do not want to mess with Commander Badass, who has 103 confirmed kills.
Edit:
The Massive Ropes? Permanent Trumpets? Whoever comes up with these squad names needs counselling.
Post by: wierd on June 01, 2012, 02:50:14 pm
Post by: Splint on June 01, 2012, 02:55:35 pm
While the giant flying worm made of white jade was nice and all, I want cavern creatures to tame for the Kingdom of Symetries. Giant rats would be a refreshing step up from the white storks and pond grabbers plauging this place. Although I appreciate the crab monster. The kids love throwing parties by the cage.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
--------------------------------------------
Dear kobolds of Strabis
Perhaps the part where a dozen or so kobolds have been killed wasn't a good enough hint you need larger armed groups of
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
Post by: Greiger on June 01, 2012, 09:28:37 pm
Stop 'hunting' the damn fish. Hunt something we can feasibly retrieve when it's dead. Like that rattlesnake that tried to bite the fisherman. You know, land based meat.
---------------------------------
To the fishermen of Stonewall.
Good job shoving your fist through that snake's skull. Not get back to gathering the water based meat.
----------------------------------
To the fishermen and Rangers of Stonewall.
Please exchange employee handbooks, clearly the bookeeper mixed yours up.
The Administration.
Post by: Corai on June 01, 2012, 09:31:30 pm
Dear caverndwellers below Shockedtowns
While the giant flying worm made of white jade was nice and all, I want cavern creatures to tame for the Kingdom of Symetries. Giant rats would be a refreshing step up from the white storks and pond grabbers plauging this place. Although I appreciate the crab monster. The kids love throwing parties by the cage.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
--------------------------------------------
Dear kobolds of Strabis
Perhaps the part where a dozen or so kobolds have been killed wasn't a good enough hint you need larger armed groups ofwalking targetsraiders if you want anything.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
Dear Shocktowns,
Corai doesnt pay us enough for this...
Love, Kobolds
Post by: Devling on June 01, 2012, 09:41:06 pm
But its Corai... posting this... and... then....Dear caverndwellers below Shockedtowns
While the giant flying worm made of white jade was nice and all, I want cavern creatures to tame for the Kingdom of Symetries. Giant rats would be a refreshing step up from the white storks and pond grabbers plauging this place. Although I appreciate the crab monster. The kids love throwing parties by the cage.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
--------------------------------------------
Dear kobolds of Strabis
Perhaps the part where a dozen or so kobolds have been killed wasn't a good enough hint you need larger armed groups ofwalking targetsraiders if you want anything.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
Dear Shocktowns,
Corai doesnt pay us enough for this...
Love, Kobolds
WHAT?
Post by: Morpha on June 02, 2012, 10:43:22 pm
Just be glad it wasn't "the lances of rape" or some similarly overt statement.Just got "The Mountainous Organs"...
Edit: "cloisters of rooting" OH COME ON!
Post by: Hanslanda on June 02, 2012, 11:42:43 pm
Post by: Corai on June 02, 2012, 11:47:16 pm
When I say "kill crundles." THAT MEANS ALL OF THEM. Not just one, I dont like telling you to kill each and every one. Shape up! Or I'll replace your adamanite armor with copper.
Love, your kobold overlord.
Post by: Morpha on June 03, 2012, 01:04:16 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How did you manage to become my MAYOR?!?
(seriously, look at his faction list...)
With loathing,
Morpha
Edit: oh god, he just drained someone of blood. Looks like I was right to be suspicious, but isn't it supposed to show his kills?
Post by: Eric Blank on June 03, 2012, 01:09:56 pm
Dear Urist McRejectHow the flying carp fuck are you not a vampire? I have never seen a dwarf with this many "former member" claims in my life, and assumed you must be a vampire. Imagine my surprise on noticing you don't have a single kill? You are either A) the least successful vampire ever (and probably why you keep getting kicked out), or B) A moron.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How did you manage to become my MAYOR?!?
(seriously, look at his faction list...)
With loathing,
Morpha
Kill list doesn't display vampire kills, because they dissassociate their former identities to their current one. There are two easy tests, though: Lock 'em in a room with no supplies and see if they ever get hungry/thirsty or take a nap (not for more than a month or so or they'd just die if they're actually mortal. How embarassing would that be?) or give them a nickname and check out their deity's history. If it lists "Urist McDeity cursed 'Urist McNicknamed' Mcvampire to prowl the night in search of blood, then Urist here is that guy under a different identity. Lock 'em in a sweatshop!
Post by: Morpha on June 03, 2012, 01:18:35 pm
Edit: wow. This deity has been busy as hell. There's probably hundreds of vampire/night creature curses listed under it.
Post by: krenshala on June 03, 2012, 01:32:45 pm
Dear Alligators of the stream The Convenient Whiskers:
Did you really have to attack our wagon before we had even had a chance to unload it? (6 Granite for those that wondered - you embark on 1 Granite. *sigh*) I don't really mind your having killed one of the two dogs, though she would have been helpful later, but its a bit inconvenient to have you chasing my fisherdwarf and jeweler around the map while the miners are trying to dig us a place to hide from the zombies that are sure to arrive in a few months. I will be needing them to help erect the wooden palisade that will be surrounding the portion of the hilltop we will be defending.
Likot Ushulzasit,
Expedition Leader for Inethroldeth “Cityanguished”
of Tangathurdim “The Trampled Towers”
Now I just need to figure out if I let the 'gator chase them around while I get needed stuff done or try and get the miners/woodcutters to try and kill it. *sigh*
Post by: Morpha on June 03, 2012, 01:39:51 pm
Dear Urist McCarpenter
Urrithtusung Gar Sholid Scarconjures the Destroyer of Clutches, a willow chair. That is possibly the most badass piece of furniture I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. Welcome to your new office, private workshops, the lot. Thank you for not making another thong that menaces with spikes.
yours,
Morpha
Post by: ObeseHelmet on June 03, 2012, 03:06:13 pm
Kill the rutherer more efficiently, please.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/vjwghE_opHFHjlxPIVWLHA26201)
Post by: krenshala on June 03, 2012, 03:16:21 pm
Dear Ten Militia Drudges of Gladgilt:ObeseHelmet, sir,
Kill the rutherer more efficiently, please.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/vjwghE_opHFHjlxPIVWLHA26201)
We're trainin'! We've come to the 'clusion that weap'ns is fer wusses, and are trainin' up 'r fists o' doom! ... sir.
The Militia Drudges of Gladgilt
Post by: Dude_Jebawe on June 03, 2012, 03:48:14 pm
Please stop jumping into the contaminated river.
Yours truly,
Your annoyed overseer.
Post by: Corai on June 03, 2012, 03:50:22 pm
Stop harrasing my women, bugging my miners, and flirting with my woodcutters. I dont need any of that, I already killed alot of you, and I dont want to train my army on worthless beings like you.
With
Post by: ObeseHelmet on June 03, 2012, 03:53:08 pm
Dear Ten Militia Drudges of Gladgilt:ObeseHelmet, sir,
Kill the rutherer more efficiently, please.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/vjwghE_opHFHjlxPIVWLHA26201)
We're trainin'! We've come to the 'clusion that weap'ns is fer wusses, and are trainin' up 'r fists o' doom! ... sir.
The Militia Drudges of Gladgilt
Actually they are just ten random haulers drafted into a spontaneous wrestler militia because I don't have a real militia yet.
Dear crundles of Ultrablue,
Stop harrasing my women, bugging my miners, and flirting with my woodcutters. I dont need any of that, I already killed alot of you, and I dont want to train my army on worthless beings like you.
Withhatelove, your kobold overseer.
Corai, you would see it that way. :o
Post by: UristMcDwarf on June 03, 2012, 04:27:08 pm
What? How? I'm confused... and scared.
-holy fuckwad what,
Your overseer.
Post by: Dude_Jebawe on June 03, 2012, 04:55:47 pm
We've been living in the haunted forest for two years, subsisting on red meat and poisoned water.
Did you really think we would just lie down and let you kill us?
Sincerely, the victorious overseer of dakostdastot, "Floorswords".
Post by: Pyro627 on June 03, 2012, 05:00:23 pm
You are a goddamn legendary miner. With a pick. I am the one who locked you in your bedroom.
Now, the legions of hell are rampaging outside that door. Literally. We dug into the underworld and unleashed a horde of demons onto the fortress and now the inside of the fort.
If you don't tunnel into your nice smooth wall right now, you and everyone else in this entire fortress will die.
Post by: tahujdt on June 03, 2012, 05:07:11 pm
Dear Urist,Check his burrow. It needs to feature the wall to be dug and a space to dig from.
You are a goddamn legendary miner. With a pick. I am the one who locked you in your bedroom.
Now, the legions of hell are rampaging outside that door. Literally. We dug into the underworld and unleashed a horde of demons onto the fortress and now the inside of the fort.
If you don't tunnel into your nice smooth wall right now, you and everyone else in this entire fortress will die.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 03, 2012, 05:11:45 pm
Dear Ten Militia Drudges of Gladgilt:ObeseHelmet, sir,
Kill the rutherer more efficiently, please.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/vjwghE_opHFHjlxPIVWLHA26201)
We're trainin'! We've come to the 'clusion that weap'ns is fer wusses, and are trainin' up 'r fists o' doom! ... sir.
The Militia Drudges of Gladgilt
Actually they are just ten random haulers drafted into a spontaneous wrestler militia because I don't have a real militia yet.
...
I SEE THE PROBLEM.
Dear Splint,
I know this note's a bit late, seeing as I've already posted the update bearing the record of your idiocy (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=110333.msg3341242#msg3341242), but still...why did you deconstruct part of the track, while still on the plant, and not move when someone started to push the cart down the track? Frankly, I'm impressed that you didn't fall to your death.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmBrass, expedition leader of Zonnish Kukon.
Post by: Splint on June 03, 2012, 05:25:00 pm
I spaced out ok? Wasn't really thinking. How I didn't die is anyone's guess and even I'm suprised by it.
Signed,
Splint.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 03, 2012, 06:00:32 pm
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 04, 2012, 12:38:43 am
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS!
I don't have the beds or food supply to feed them all yet and most of the current population are busy building my latest engineering obscenity.
Sincerely;
The Over
Post by: Morpha on June 04, 2012, 01:23:11 am
Post by: tahujdt on June 04, 2012, 08:46:30 am
Oh god, my vampire mayor has a liking for "raw adamantine". Since I've yet to strike the stuff, I dread him getting out of jail now.
Nobles no longer mandate materials, just items.
Post by: Morpha on June 04, 2012, 09:01:44 am
Dear Urist McDiplomat
The KING (queen actually) arrived. He (She) literally JUST arrived. Why would this cause "Diplomacy Stymied" the second I un-pause? More to the point, why the hell are you still here?
Also, nice to see you gave me the option to appoint a duke before this happened. Or a Count. Baron even. As it is, I'm still on "Mayor". The moment I find you, I'm going to do my best to stick you in with the vampire. I'm sure he wants to discuss why he's not a baron yet.
Post by: tahujdt on June 04, 2012, 09:09:52 am
Thought Barons could still mandate them, I know in .07? I had specific things mandated.Mandates are different from demands. A baron can only mandate a low boot, but he can demand a green glass bed in his dining room, if he likes green glass. If the demand is not met, it will make him VERY unhappy, but he won't arrest anyone.
Post by: Morpha on June 04, 2012, 09:16:49 am
Edit: Vampire mayor won't leave the jail either! He's stuck with "fell tree" and won't move anywhere. At one point in his sentence I had him swapped to a different chain so maybe he bugged? I'm getting all the irritating bugs in this fort /cry
Post by: NRDL on June 04, 2012, 09:20:25 am
Stop taking so long in building the walls and floor next to the open space above lava. I don't care if you have to climb down over a hundred z-levels of stairs, there are magma crabs throwing basalt. We've already got one casualty, I don't wanna build my metal industry over a graveyard.
Sincerely,
NRDL
Post by: snoopychicken on June 04, 2012, 09:27:04 am
Sorry about the mix up, I had no idea asking you to deconstruct my scaffolding would cause you to fall off! Luckily both of you are loners so McWeaver, you didn't cause to much of a dent when you left us and McWoodcutter when you inevitably die due to the ineptitude of our medical staff no one will miss you.
With Regrets,
The X
Post by: WillowLuman on June 04, 2012, 01:18:11 pm
Why does it take so long to build a structure yet not to dig out a large expanse underground? It seems the exact inverse of how things usually work. Build faster!
Sincerely, You Don't Need to Know
Post by: Williham on June 04, 2012, 09:01:08 pm
Re: Drop chutes
It is inadvisable to stand at the bottom of a drop chute while it is in operation. As our dearly departed Siege Operator discovered, even if the chute is used to move cloth from the looms near the surface to the halls of industry, that's still a 20 urist drop. When taking into consideration the fact that cloth drops are regularly on the order of five hundred bales, danger to life and limb is severe.
If you DO find yourself beneath an active drop, do try to move out of the way, or you will find that your inattention will buy you a one-way ticket to a common burial plot.
Yours,
Overseer of Operations
Memo to all skilled staff of Lovelytunnels
Re: Yesterdays incident
Following the accident that cost one of our haulers their life, it has been decided that skilled staff is to cease all hauling, effective immediately. Losing a hauler is regrettable, but losing a legendary Weaponsmith is a tragedy.
As you seem to be cut from the same cloth as our haulers, I have little to no faith in your ability to avoid active drop zones.
Note: Wood Burners, Furnace Operators and Weavers may feel free to disregard this memo.
Yours,
Overseer of Operations
Post by: Sus on June 05, 2012, 04:45:41 am
Unless it has dawned on you yet, the brook you are trying to drink from is currently frozen solid. That's why the water is all still and cold and hard-like. It's called ice. You cannot drink ice. The emergency reservoir that I ordered dug for this exact reason, however, is not frozen. (I do admit it may be a bit stagnant though.) That means you can drink from the reservoir. Please do so instead of getting your hairy little tongues stuck to the frozen river and dying of dehydration.
- The omniscient being of questionable benevolence that guides your destiny, a.k.a. Sus
Post by: Dude_Jebawe on June 05, 2012, 11:46:17 am
I see you have opted to drop your axes on the ground and instead punch the zombies in the face. Good luck with that.
Your sceptical overseer.
Post by: ZzarkLinux on June 05, 2012, 12:07:11 pm
The first Pond Grabber is still squatting in his pond, but I'm not too worried about him.
Worse-comes-to-worse, I can just cave-in on him.
But now you guys decide to show up.
And you are on the map edge, so I can't simply cave-in on your party.
I really don't feel like chunneling to magma just to obsidinize you all.
Please leave promptly.
Regards,
The Overseer
Post by: krenshala on June 05, 2012, 04:35:32 pm
Dear Dwarves,Have you built a well over it? Or designated a water source (i > assign space > w) next to it that they can get to?
Unless it has dawned on you yet, the brook you are trying to drink from is currently frozen solid. That's why the water is all still and cold and hard-like. It's called ice. You cannot drink ice. The emergency reservoir that I ordered dug for this exact reason, however, is not frozen. (I do admit it may be a bit stagnant though.) That means you can drink from the reservoir. Please do so instead of getting your hairy little tongues stuck to the frozen river and dying of dehydration.
- The omniscient being of questionable benevolence that guides your destiny, a.k.a. Sus
Post by: WriterX on June 05, 2012, 05:00:24 pm
Seriously, what's with all the Floodgates? We do not need all of them, yet you keep asking for more. Do you want them all installed in your office or something? Drop me a hint.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Jake on June 05, 2012, 05:20:23 pm
Dear military dwarves,
I see you have opted to drop your axes on the ground and instead punch the zombies in the face. Good luck with that.
Your sceptical overseer.
Dear overseer,
Every time we cut a bit off it reanimates on its own! These poxy things are bad enough when they're mostly intact, but twenty different bits of the buggers coming after you all at once is just bloody creepy.
Can we form a squad or two armed with hammers so we can just punt them into the magma or something?
Your beleaguered militia.
Dear Urist McMayor,
Seriously, what's with all the Floodgates? We do not need all of them, yet you keep asking for more. Do you want them all installed in your office or something? Drop me a hint.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Would you rather he mandated aluminium items or something?
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 05, 2012, 05:23:47 pm
Dear Dwarves,
Unless it has dawned on you yet, the brook you are trying to drink from is currently frozen solid. That's why the water is all still and cold and hard-like. It's called ice. You cannot drink ice. The emergency reservoir that I ordered dug for this exact reason, however, is not frozen. (I do admit it may be a bit stagnant though.) That means you can drink from the reservoir. Please do so instead of getting your hairy little tongues stuck to the frozen river and dying of dehydration.
- The omniscient being of questionable benevolence that guides your destiny, a.k.a. Sus
Dear Sus,
We were starting to drink, then the brook froze. Now our tounges are stuck in or on the ice. Please send help!
Sincerely,
Assorted thirsty dwarves.
Post by: tahujdt on June 05, 2012, 06:12:28 pm
We were just discussing how nobles now longer mandate materials.Dear Urist McMayor,
Seriously, what's with all the Floodgates? We do not need all of them, yet you keep asking for more. Do you want them all installed in your office or something? Drop me a hint.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Would you rather he mandated aluminium items or something?
Post by: Williham on June 05, 2012, 08:53:30 pm
Re: Plumbing
Getting the blood out of the plumbing, I can assure you, was no small feat, and the effort cost several good dwarves their lives.
As such, any dwarf that finds it appropriate to bleed in the hospital plumbing will find themselves promoted to the siege squad.
As ammunition.
Signed,
Overseer of Operations
Post by: Sus on June 05, 2012, 09:07:00 pm
I think I missed the water source part there. *facepalm*Dear Dwarves,Have you built a well over it? Or designated a water source (i > assign space > w) next to it that they can get to?
Unless it has dawned on you yet, the brook you are trying to drink from is currently frozen solid. That's why the water is all still and cold and hard-like. It's called ice. You cannot drink ice. The emergency reservoir that I ordered dug for this exact reason, however, is not frozen. (I do admit it may be a bit stagnant though.) That means you can drink from the reservoir. Please do so instead of getting your hairy little tongues stuck to the frozen river and dying of dehydration.
- The omniscient being of questionable benevolence that guides your destiny, a.k.a. Sus
Post by: Jake on June 05, 2012, 09:46:32 pm
We were just discussing how nobles now longer mandate materials.
Huh. I must have missed that in the devlog somewhere.
Post by: NineFourEightSeven on June 05, 2012, 11:29:21 pm
The reason you can't build that wall is because you are STANDING WHERE IT GOES. Go stand NEXT TO where the wall is going, and you'll be relieved to find that you CAN build the wall.
Sincerely,
Your All-Seeing Overseer
Post by: misko27 on June 05, 2012, 11:42:34 pm
Please, explain to me something: why is there blood positively everywhere? Part of it, I realize, is my fault. I know that I have accumalated a lot of blood in certain places, and following the brief and short flood of the fort, much of it was washed inside. However, after a period counting a year, there are still blood stains all over the dining room. It's practically drenched in it. Again, partly my fault for getting it there, but clean it up now damnit.. I don't personally have a opinion on the blood. Hell, I think it adds character to the room. However, some of it is forgotten beast dust, and over 20 random kittens have bled to death, spreading more blood. Frankly, the Merchants are getting creeped out by it, and they are okay with the Goblin remains everywhere, and the giant execution tower, AND the gladiator pit for Prisoners.
Sincerly, Your Overseer
P.S. Could you, in your copious spare time, also clean up after the kittens trailing blood? Frankly, It's becoming a certified mess. I will NOT allow dwarves to keep cats as pets if this continues, and they will all be subjected to the execution tower up-state.
Post by: Sus on June 06, 2012, 01:13:12 am
I don't care if your goddamn cat sat at the space that wall is supposed to go at the exact moment you wanted to build it. You could just wait for the damn thing to move or, even better, help it on its way with a hearty kick.
Instead, you decide to drop everything and mark the construction as "suspended", potentially risking a future breach of security. This is not acceptable. Stop it.
Post by: WriterX on June 06, 2012, 02:30:09 am
Could you please feed on the animals? Or the bodies of dead goblins or kobolds? I know there are a lot of delicious dwarves around, but if you had half a brain you would do your best *not* to anger all of them. Seriously.
Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: crazysheep on June 06, 2012, 02:32:55 am
Dear Urist McVampire,Dear Overseer,
Could you please feed on the animals? Or the bodies of dead goblins or kobolds? I know there are a lot of delicious dwarves around, but if you had half a brain you would do your best *not* to anger all of them. Seriously.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I like my blood warm, not decomposing. And I abhor bestiality.
Yours, Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire
Post by: Corai on June 06, 2012, 02:35:16 am
Dear Urist McVampire,Dear Overseer,
Could you please feed on the animals? Or the bodies of dead goblins or kobolds? I know there are a lot of delicious dwarves around, but if you had half a brain you would do your best *not* to anger all of them. Seriously.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I like my blood warm, not decomposing. And I abhor bestiality.
Yours, Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire
Dear Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire,
Hey! Thats offensive!
Love, kobolds & goblins.
Post by: crazysheep on June 06, 2012, 02:40:35 am
Dear kobolds & goblins,Dear Urist McVampire,Dear Overseer,
Could you please feed on the animals? Or the bodies of dead goblins or kobolds? I know there are a lot of delicious dwarves around, but if you had half a brain you would do your best *not* to anger all of them. Seriously.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I like my blood warm, not decomposing. And I abhor bestiality.
Yours, Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire
Dear Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire,
Hey! Thats offensive!
Love, kobolds & goblins.
You're welcome to my fort for some fun and games by way of apology.
Love, Urist McVampire
Post by: Corai on June 06, 2012, 03:48:53 am
Tsk tsk tsk... Shameful. Simply shameful! You had adamanite armor, masterwork bluemetal longswords, legendary status. And you got whipped by kobolds. 50 kobolds did you in, even with the steel-clad assistance of the caravan. You did miserably, aside from Arkur, who took down twelve kobolds before dieing of blood loss. Then Omli got brained in three turns. Then Splint got crippled and impaled with arrows!
Resooth ran like a bitch and got mauled at the entrance of the mines, then the kobolds got in and slaughtered everyone!
Heres a fruitbasket to make you feel better.
With love, and a fruitbasket, Corai.
Dear kobolds,
Traitors.
Hate, Corai. Who just hired a human to hunt down your asses.
Post by: EmperorJon on June 06, 2012, 03:54:02 am
Thanks for the invitation to your Goblin Christmas Party.
Grandma Goblin is knitting socks in anticipation.
From Snugbo.
Post by: Dude_Jebawe on June 06, 2012, 08:12:06 am
Dear military dwarves,
I see you have opted to drop your axes on the ground and instead punch the zombies in the face. Good luck with that.
Your sceptical overseer.
Dear overseer,
Every time we cut a bit off it reanimates on its own! These poxy things are bad enough when they're mostly intact, but twenty different bits of the buggers coming after you all at once is just bloody creepy.
Can we form a squad or two armed with hammers so we can just punt them into the magma or something?
Your beleaguered militia.
Dear militia,
I was surprised to hear from you considering you are all dead. Also, there is no magma, we have not had time to dig that deep yet. The only nearby fluid is our water supply, and you're not punting zombies into that.
Your amused overseer.
PS I guess it's not surprising that you can still talk given where you died.
Post by: snoopychicken on June 06, 2012, 09:14:32 am
Post by: CyberUrist on June 06, 2012, 09:22:19 am
Please stop complaining about the lack of a well when you have loads of booze.
Signed, your annoyed overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 06, 2012, 10:19:34 am
Please stop shooting the were-civets,
It's seriously the 4th time this year you've shot Asmel in the head.
~Sincerely, LW
Post by: Splint on June 06, 2012, 10:27:36 am
STOP USING THE POTS TO STORE FOOD. THAT ISNT THIER PURPOSE AND IF YOU WANNA LIVE....
Let the brewer do her damn job. With those pots you think can only be used for food.
Thank you.
Overseer.
Post by: Muddy Mudstone on June 06, 2012, 02:14:34 pm
You are tidy individuals. Not exactly hygienic, I admit, but tidy. To your tidy minds, indeed, your tiny tidy minds, it is an abomination that a single bag of seeds should rest undisturbed on one of the 40 free squares of the food stockpile if there is an empty barrel that it could be pointlessly stored in. So it should have come as no surprise to me that, when a barrel of 1 rum became empty, you rushed with uncharacteristic urgency to tidy away the bag of seeds into that barrel, the barrel which I had been intending ever since we set out on our journey, long before we arrived here last month, to use as part of the ashery building, so that we might fertilize the ground in which to plant the seeds.
It should not of course be a disaster that a bag of seeds is present in a barrel. Dwarfs are, I am told, intelligent beings, and should be able to simply take the bag out again. When I temporarily turned the meeting area into a garbage dump, and asked you to dump the bag of seeds there, I thought I had found a solution to this awkward situation. To permanently dispose of the seeds was not in fact the plan. I don't think you fully understood this when you carried out the task.
I make no apologies for having dug out a water source directly beside the meeting area; that is a very sensible and efficient place for a water source. Channelling into an aquifer is an ideal way to provide a perpetual source of clean water. It is not particularly clean right now, though, because it contains a bit of old goat meat I previously told you to get rid of, along with ALL THE SEEDS WE HAVE.
This is why I have asked you to construct another channel, several walls and a pump in the middle of the meeting area. I hope you will be able to carry out this completely unplanned task quickly and without any further incident, and that when we retrieve the waterlogged seeds they are still viable. If they are not, I hope you like eating only eggs for ten months.
Your curator.
Post by: Corai on June 06, 2012, 05:26:29 pm
Please stop stealing my kills, or I will bodyswap and drown you. And use your halberd, not your slicing knife. I am tired of bodyswapping to get you to use the thing.
Love, your boss.
Post by: Broken on June 06, 2012, 05:52:18 pm
You are one tile away for the entrance. You now, the ultra Trapped, ultra safe entrance of the fortress. Running away to the zombie
horde does not seem the optimal action to do, don't you think.
P.S : when we recover your zombified remains, i won't make you rest in magma. I will use you as a training dummy. You deserve
no better.
Post by: crazysheep on June 06, 2012, 07:23:31 pm
Dear Complaining Dwarves,Dwarves need water to clean themselves.. can't use the booze to clean themselves, that's for drinking.
Please stop complaining about the lack of a well when you have loads of booze.
Signed, your annoyed overseer.
Dear Urist "Soon-To-Be-Mayor" McVampireDear Snugbo,
Thanks for the invitation to your Goblin Christmas Party.
Grandma Goblin is knitting socks in anticipation.
From Snugbo.
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Post by: CyberUrist on June 06, 2012, 09:14:54 pm
Oh, thanks for clearing that up.Dear Complaining Dwarves,Dwarves need water to clean themselves.. can't use the booze to clean themselves, that's for drinking.
Please stop complaining about the lack of a well when you have loads of booze.
Signed, your annoyed overseer.
Post by: sirinon on June 07, 2012, 12:42:58 am
I your God and ruler have decreed that you be drafted into the fortresses "meatshield" companies, While your Brothers in Squad's A Though C recieve a Full set of Steel Plate armour and weapons you will only be privied to the first sword and shield available ( If there are any ).
Your training will not be as great and you will only recieve Mediocre war animals.
Your duties will not be glorious or remembered in the great Tombs of our Leaders and In seiges you will be sent out beyond the walls to hold the enemy at bay until The civilians can get to safety, you may get lucky if Squads A Through C are sent to reinforce however this is unlikely as they serve the fort.
It is not all that bad however as there is room for promotions.
In the event that one of Squad A Through C dies of old age or in battle the best of your ranks will be promoted and recive all the benefits of being in an elite military squad.
In short Fight hard or Die fast
Your Lord and God
sirinon
Post by: NineFourEightSeven on June 07, 2012, 04:00:42 pm
Yes I know you put your heart and soul into that yak bone arrow, but did you really need to kill EVERYONE because the hunter broke it?
-Your overseer.
Post by: WriterX on June 07, 2012, 04:33:49 pm
Dear Yde, Bonecarver,
Yes I know you put your heart and soul into that yak bone arrow, but did you really need to kill EVERYONE because the hunter broke it?
-Your overseer.
Dear Overseer,
I needed more bones, for my arrows.
Sincerely, Yde.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 07, 2012, 05:48:58 pm
It's now the 5th time you've shot Asmel this year. She doesn't appreciate it.
Please stop shooting her.
~Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: krenshala on June 07, 2012, 06:14:39 pm
Dear Dwarves,I'm assuming were-civet-ness prevents loyalty cascades from using Asmel for target practice?
It's now the 5th time you've shot Asmel this year. She doesn't appreciate it.
Please stop shooting her.
~Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: krenshala on June 07, 2012, 06:15:08 pm
Dear residents of Bronzehoof,How many barrels is the food stockpile allowed to use? (Pots count as barrels for that purpose.)
STOP USING THE POTS TO STORE FOOD. THAT ISNT THIER PURPOSE AND IF YOU WANNA LIVE....
Let the brewer do her damn job. With those pots you think can only be used for food.
Thank you.
Overseer.
Post by: codyorr on June 07, 2012, 06:20:00 pm
Please stop filling the pit for the mist generator. When it over fills it traps dwarfs in corners and they drown.
Sincerely,
Mayor Cody
PS- After half of the fellow populance dies please discontinue suicidal behavior.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 07, 2012, 06:22:01 pm
Considering the lack of marksdwarves shooting each other, yep. Although it only takes one corpse to spark a zombie cascade.Dear Dwarves,I'm assuming were-civet-ness prevents loyalty cascades from using Asmel for target practice?
It's now the 5th time you've shot Asmel this year. She doesn't appreciate it.
Please stop shooting her.
~Sincerely, Overseer.
I have now come to the conclusion that the large amount of zombie wildlife I'm keeping contained is actually forcing away the flying birds. 3 years, and not a single raven. I think I shall keep my zombies.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on June 07, 2012, 06:25:01 pm
Considering the lack of marksdwarves shooting each other, yep. Although it only takes one corpse to spark a zombie cascade.
I have now come to the conclusion that the large amount of zombie wildlife I'm keeping contained is actually forcing away the flying birds. 3 years, and not a single raven. I think I shall keep my zombies.
It's probably just a few of the zombies. If you have creatures on your map that aren't in cages they prevent new animals from coming. You get it alot if you use chains to display captive wild animals.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 07, 2012, 06:38:44 pm
It's probably just a few of the zombies.
(http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/2533/moosepit12.png)
I might have quite a few zombies :x
Post by: WillowLuman on June 07, 2012, 06:39:57 pm
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 08, 2012, 05:43:50 am
Re; My Fortress Site
I was promised metal at this site. Local on-site surveys of my own have revealed there is no metal at all on the map. I am presently on my way back to the mountainhome with a large platinum warhammer and a displeased demeanor to discuss this matter in-person.
Sincerely;
The ex-Overseer.
Post by: hops on June 08, 2012, 06:20:14 am
We have organized bi-annual sacrifice ritual of 10 burning barrels of dwarven blood. Those are purely from the elephants.
Please tell them to stop hating us.
Sincerely, the Overseer
Post by: Sus on June 08, 2012, 06:23:26 am
Not if you order the militia to attack her, as I recently and embarrassingly found out. :-[Dear Dwarves,I'm assuming were-civet-ness prevents loyalty cascades from using Asmel for target practice?
It's now the 5th time you've shot Asmel this year. She doesn't appreciate it.
Please stop shooting her.
~Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: tahujdt on June 08, 2012, 08:44:37 am
To; The Mountainhome Surveyors
Re; My Fortress Site
I was promised metal at this site. Local on-site surveys of my own have revealed there is no metal at all on the map. I am presently on my way back to the mountainhome with a large platinum warhammer and a displeased demeanor to discuss this matter in-person.
Sincerely;
The ex-Overseer.
Dear Mister Ex-Overseer,
Where did you get the platinum for the warhammer?
Sincerely, The Mountainhome Surveyors
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 08, 2012, 08:47:16 am
To; The Mountainhome Surveyors
Re; My Fortress Site
I was promised metal at this site. Local on-site surveys of my own have revealed there is no metal at all on the map. I am presently on my way back to the mountainhome with a large platinum warhammer and a displeased demeanor to discuss this matter in-person.
Sincerely;
The ex-Overseer.
Dear Mister Ex-Overseer,
Where did you get the platinum for the warhammer?
Sincerely, The Mountainhome Surveyors
Dear Mountainhome Surveyors;
Don't expect the Trade Caravan back home this year - They decided to donate their weapons and goods before spending the remainder of their short lives contemplating why Overseers shouldn't be lied to about geography.
Post by: tahujdt on June 08, 2012, 08:49:35 am
Dear Mister Ex-Overseer,To; The Mountainhome Surveyors
Re; My Fortress Site
I was promised metal at this site. Local on-site surveys of my own have revealed there is no metal at all on the map. I am presently on my way back to the mountainhome with a large platinum warhammer and a displeased demeanor to discuss this matter in-person.
Sincerely;
The ex-Overseer.
Dear Mister Ex-Overseer,
Where did you get the platinum for the warhammer?
Sincerely, The Mountainhome Surveyors
Dear Mountainhome Surveyors;
Don't expect the Trade Caravan back home this year - They decided to donate their weapons and goods before spending the remainder of their short lives contemplating why Overseers shouldn't be lied to about geography.
How in Armok's name did the caravan get my warhammer! That is my best hammer! I can dispense justice with it!
Sincerely, Urist McHammerer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 08, 2012, 09:29:36 am
When beak wolves are sieging the fortress, you can wait to grab that plump helmet.
Dear Shem McMason,
Erm, try not to store those plants right now. You'll have to charge right past those beak wolves and their giant grasshopper to...okay, you're running, pick up the barrel and return to the fortress...
Dear Spears of Urging,
Good job! Those metal spears we got from the caravan really help, don't they?
Dear Constructive Fortresses,
Don't charge into m...never mind.
Dear BerserkNINJA,
Recover quickly. You need to discipline the sherrif.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmBrass.
Post by: Muddy Mudstone on June 08, 2012, 10:04:45 am
It sounds as if you might be able to provide work for each other. If not, why did you come here? Can you pump?
Your unconsulted host.
Additional
To: all new arrivals
I see you are having a hard time adjusting from your big city lifestyles. Now get out of the hole, and stop trying to clean up the mud. There is supposed to be mud here. This is what we call a "swamp". Those machines are "pumps" - I'll tell you more about those later - and the deep pit you are trying to clean up is an "unfinished aquifer shaft".
I will reiterate this message to each of you in person.
Post by: EmperorJon on June 08, 2012, 12:51:24 pm
Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Post by: crazysheep on June 08, 2012, 07:36:49 pm
Please stop stockpiling shiny blue metal threads in the hospital coffers and cloth stockpiles where they don't belong. You are depriving the smelters of the strands they use for work.
Love, your overseer
PS: Stop dyeing those shiny blue metal threads too.
Dear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 08, 2012, 08:15:40 pm
Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
Post by: hops on June 08, 2012, 08:58:04 pm
We had to murder a whole human caravan because of your lateness, you'll be meeting Armok soon.
A certain bloodthirsty overseer
Post by: crazysheep on June 08, 2012, 09:09:49 pm
Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
Post by: WillowLuman on June 08, 2012, 09:36:46 pm
Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Post by: Corai on June 08, 2012, 09:38:38 pm
Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
Post by: tahujdt on June 09, 2012, 10:14:08 am
Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Post by: Splint on June 09, 2012, 10:26:36 am
KILL THE CRUNDLES! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL THEM! There's piles of crundle remains scattered across the floor, just please kill the rest so we may resume butchering operations!
Post by: crazysheep on June 09, 2012, 10:42:22 am
Epic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Post by: Urist_McGamer on June 09, 2012, 01:46:54 pm
Epic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 09, 2012, 03:08:37 pm
Epic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Post by: WillowLuman on June 09, 2012, 03:24:27 pm
To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Sorry to rain on your parade, but according to my forecast the weather will be awful. I've done some calculations, alchemy, and prediction magic and it looks like there will be a large cold front followed by Creeping Vile Fog. I'd stay indoors!
-Dakost the weather dwarf.
Post by: WriterX on June 09, 2012, 03:37:32 pm
To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Sorry to rain on your parade, but according to my forecast the weather will be awful. I've done some calculations, alchemy, and prediction magic and it looks like there will be a large cold front followed by Creeping Vile Fog. I'd stay indoors!
-Dakost the weather dwarf.
Dear Party,
Can I come?
Sincerely, Gedorker, Dragon
Post by: Corai on June 09, 2012, 03:38:28 pm
To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Sorry to rain on your parade, but according to my forecast the weather will be awful. I've done some calculations, alchemy, and prediction magic and it looks like there will be a large cold front followed by Creeping Vile Fog. I'd stay indoors!
-Dakost the weather dwarf.
Dear Party,
Can I come?
Sincerely, Gedorker, Dragon
Dear Gedorker, Dragon
Haha! Of course! Have a balloon of a dead dwarf! Ha ha!
Sincerly, Bugger the clown!
Post by: Urist_McGamer on June 09, 2012, 03:47:37 pm
To all concerned parties:To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Sorry to rain on your parade, but according to my forecast the weather will be awful. I've done some calculations, alchemy, and prediction magic and it looks like there will be a large cold front followed by Creeping Vile Fog. I'd stay indoors!
-Dakost the weather dwarf.
Dear Party,
Can I come?
Sincerely, Gedorker, Dragon
Dear Gedorker, Dragon
Haha! Of course! Have a balloon of a dead dwarf! Ha ha!
Sincerly, Bugger the clown!
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
Post by: WillowLuman on June 09, 2012, 03:51:29 pm
Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Post by: Corai on June 09, 2012, 03:52:36 pm
Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Post by: WillowLuman on June 09, 2012, 03:55:37 pm
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Did someone say PARTY? We are coming out of your closets and sayin' it's time to BOOGY! Better set up those disco torches! Gonna party all night and be gone by morning, so y'all don't have to clean up after us.
-The Boogeymen's Union
Post by: WriterX on June 09, 2012, 04:07:09 pm
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Did someone say PARTY? We are coming out of your closets and sayin' it's time to BOOGY! Better set up those disco torches! Gonna party all night and be gone by morning, so y'all don't have to clean up after us.
-The Boogeymen's Union
Dear Humans on Party Wagon,
Giant Kea has stolen Wooden Party Wagon!
Sincerely,
Giant Kea
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 10, 2012, 12:29:12 am
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Did someone say PARTY? We are coming out of your closets and sayin' it's time to BOOGY! Better set up those disco torches! Gonna party all night and be gone by morning, so y'all don't have to clean up after us.
-The Boogeymen's Union
Dear Humans on Party Wagon,
Giant Kea has stolen Wooden Party Wagon!
Sincerely,
Giant Kea
Dear all;
Sincerely, Ravens.
Post by: Splint on June 10, 2012, 12:32:17 am
Post by: bukitodinos on June 10, 2012, 12:35:08 am
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Did someone say PARTY? We are coming out of your closets and sayin' it's time to BOOGY! Better set up those disco torches! Gonna party all night and be gone by morning, so y'all don't have to clean up after us.
-The Boogeymen's Union
Dear everyone,
HEY, no one invited us! Well we'll bring along some other fun people.
-Random adventurers
Dear Humans on Party Wagon,
Giant Kea has stolen Wooden Party Wagon!
Sincerely,
Giant Kea
Dear all;
Sincerely, Ravens.
Post by: Vyro on June 11, 2012, 01:58:56 am
Those stinky hippies took forever to load and leave (no wonder actually, considering the sheer amounts of all those birchen toyboxes, ashen drums and saguaro rib dildoes they usually bring for trade), so I sent you guy out there to give one of them a hearthy farewell kick to speed up the process.
"Urist McLegendaryChopDorf hacks the Elven Merchant in the guts with [insertcoolnamehere], but the attack is deflected by Elven Merchant's rope reed fiber dress!"
You got it right at least, but let me get some things clear. [insertcoolnamehere] is your masterwork adamantine battle axe. Clutched in your hand it claimed the lives of half a dozen forgotten frights and a number of goblin ones well beyound any numbers. You are legendary in killing things that move. So how in the name of chaos gods did that elf even survive the first hit?! I know that there's always a miniscule of chance for some crazy thing to happen, and you promptly proceeded to dismember the elf in question afterwards, but DEFLECTED? The thing that cuts through rock like butter with a plant cloth?
I don't want to accuse one of our immortals of treason, really. Otherwise, you'd be diving into the sea of flames. Without your gear and anyone asking you anything.
Post by: jaxy15 on June 11, 2012, 02:03:52 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Post by: WillowLuman on June 11, 2012, 02:04:48 am
Dear Urist McLegendaryChopDorf.Eesh. That might be worse than the adamantine-piercing wood bolts. Either that, or you should develop rope reed armor.
Those stinky hippies took forever to load and leave (no wonder actually, considering the sheer amounts of all those birchen toyboxes, ashen drums and saguaro rib dildoes they usually bring for trade), so I sent you guy out there to give one of them a hearthy farewell kick to speed up the process.
"Urist McLegendaryChopDorf hacks the Elven Merchant in the guts with [insertcoolnamehere], but the attack is deflected by Elven Merchant's rope reed fiber dress!"
You got it right at least, but let me get some things clear. [insertcoolnamehere] is your masterwork adamantine battle axe. Clutched in your hand it claimed the lives of half a dozen forgotten frights and a number of goblin ones well beyound any numbers. You are legendary in killing things that move. So how in the name of chaos gods did that elf even survive the first hit?! I know that there's always a miniscule of chance for some crazy thing to happen, and you promptly proceeded to dismember the elf in question afterwards, but DEFLECTED? The thing that cuts through rock like buter with a plant cloth?
I don't want to accuse one of our immortals of treason, really. Otherwise, you'd be diving into the sea of flames. Without your gear and anyone asking you anything.
Post by: Corai on June 11, 2012, 02:05:46 am
Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Post by: Monk321654 on June 11, 2012, 02:08:16 am
Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 11, 2012, 02:10:53 am
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek vomits into Giant Sponge.
Post by: Monk321654 on June 11, 2012, 02:13:42 am
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek vomits into Giant Sponge.
Dear Bomrek,
You're thinking of retches, not wretches.
Retching is to attempt to vomit, wretches are vile people.
Sincerely, Adil Goldbook, Human Linguist.
Post by: Corai on June 11, 2012, 02:15:22 am
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek vomits into Giant Sponge.
Dear Bomrek,
You're thinking of retches, not wretches.
Retching is to attempt to vomit, wretches are vile people.
Sincerely, Adil Goldbook, Human Linguist.
Dear Bomrek,
Your no dwarf! Dwarves dont get drunk that easily! Round 'im up boys!
Sincerly, a time-traveling human adventurer from the next update.
Post by: Fniff on June 11, 2012, 02:18:23 am
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek vomits into Giant Sponge.
Dear Bomrek,
You're thinking of retches, not wretches.
Retching is to attempt to vomit, wretches are vile people.
Sincerely, Adil Goldbook, Human Linguist.
Dear party,
Wouldn't be a party without us!
- Ghosts
Post by: Dunamisdeos on June 11, 2012, 03:06:06 am
I'm going to make this very easy to understand. You should not haul stone instead of trading. Nor should you clean the floors. You should not take breaks, harvest food, feed prisoners OR patients, place furniture, remove furniture, haul said furniture to its stockpile, pull levers, attend parties, become an elected official, or give birth. Stop doing any of these things OR I WILL KILL YOU. Your allowed functions are as follows: Trade the mugs.
~ Sincerely... No really, I'm dead f***ing serious.
~~PS: Stop it.
Post by: Sus on June 11, 2012, 03:11:08 am
Leveling the clothier's shop is really not conductive to your getting clothed.
Dear Urist McTrader:
What in the blazes are you doing with that sheep?!
No, wait, I do not want to know, just stop it and get to the fracking depot. Now.
Post by: malroth on June 11, 2012, 04:43:39 am
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Post by: Monk321654 on June 11, 2012, 04:57:56 am
Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear Confused Overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
The necessity of a massive pyramid is absolutely unquestionable!
It's simply the dwarven standard!
Sincerely, Urist McArchitect.
Post by: Fallenworldful on June 11, 2012, 04:59:08 am
Try and avoid falling into the magma.
We're not paying for your medical.
-Your irked overseer
Post by: crazysheep on June 11, 2012, 08:36:22 am
Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Post by: ledgekindred on June 11, 2012, 05:47:38 pm
Just because you are our fort's only, and very skilled mechanic, doesn't mean you can do mean things to the plebes when you don't have any work.
Specifically, please stop challenging them to eat raw brook lampreys. You are not Urist Grylls. It's gross.
Yrs
Slightly Nauseas Overseer
Post by: PCpaste on June 11, 2012, 05:53:07 pm
Are you enjoying your game of keepaway you're playing with the brewers? Oh, what's that? You're thirsty, you say? Goodness, I wonder why.
- Sincerely, O.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 11, 2012, 06:32:46 pm
Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
Post by: WillowLuman on June 11, 2012, 06:41:46 pm
Dear Troglodytes
I'm coming for you. I've already killed 10 of you. You will be lurking in your lairs and I will find you, and end you, before you even know I'm there. Now you know why you fear the light.
-Kobold adventurer
Dear wolverines,
Look, I will build a freaking temple in your honor and leave fresh meat on it everyday. Just don't kill all my settlers!
-Leader of the 7th failed expedition to the Desert of Airs
Post by: crazysheep on June 11, 2012, 06:42:39 pm
Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
It has come to our attention that a whitebeard has been causing disruption to productivity by attempting to host parties at our ☼platinum table☼, and we have four score and two witnesses claiming that this whitebeard has been draining weaponsmiths of their blood. As such, we have elected this whitebeard as our first ever cavern exploration leader.
Rest assured that the platinum morningstar need not rise over our little fort.
Sincerely, Bomrek
Ex-captain of the guard
Post by: Komra on June 11, 2012, 07:20:03 pm
Why do you insist on charging out from being the fortifications? Seriously, your entire squad just got shot to death by a bunch of greenskins. Come on, dude.
Post by: Corai on June 11, 2012, 07:23:24 pm
Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
It has come to our attention that a whitebeard has been causing disruption to productivity by attempting to host parties at our ☼platinum table☼, and we have four score and two witnesses claiming that this whitebeard has been draining weaponsmiths of their blood. As such, we have elected this whitebeard as our first ever cavern exploration leader.
Rest assured that the platinum morningstar need not rise over our little fort.
Sincerely, Bomrek
Ex-captain of the guard
Dear, Bomrek
A vile force of darkness has arrived.
Love, Partycrashing goblins.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 11, 2012, 08:03:11 pm
Oh, good Snugbo, you've arrived! Now we can start this thing. Did you bring all the presents for goblin christmas?Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
It has come to our attention that a whitebeard has been causing disruption to productivity by attempting to host parties at our ☼platinum table☼, and we have four score and two witnesses claiming that this whitebeard has been draining weaponsmiths of their blood. As such, we have elected this whitebeard as our first ever cavern exploration leader.
Rest assured that the platinum morningstar need not rise over our little fort.
Sincerely, Bomrek
Ex-captain of the guard
Dear, Bomrek
A vile force of darkness has arrived.
Love, Partycrashing goblins.
-Urist.
Post by: Corai on June 11, 2012, 08:04:38 pm
Oh, good Snugbo, you've arrived! Now we can start this thing. Did you bring all the presents for goblin christmas?Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
It has come to our attention that a whitebeard has been causing disruption to productivity by attempting to host parties at our ☼platinum table☼, and we have four score and two witnesses claiming that this whitebeard has been draining weaponsmiths of their blood. As such, we have elected this whitebeard as our first ever cavern exploration leader.
Rest assured that the platinum morningstar need not rise over our little fort.
Sincerely, Bomrek
Ex-captain of the guard
Dear, Bomrek
A vile force of darkness has arrived.
Love, Partycrashing goblins.
-Urist.
Dear Urist,
Got 'em all here.
Sincerly, the military of the fortress.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 11, 2012, 08:08:39 pm
Dear Urist,
Got 'em all here.
Sincerly, the military of the fortress.
On break
~Military
Post by: ZzarkLinux on June 11, 2012, 08:14:11 pm
I didn't realize that there were so many of you in there that the trash crusher would break.
Sorry 'bout that.
We will paint a red X on your door so that you can be released whenever RabbitHut's first seige arrives.
Thanks for your patience.
RabbitHut overseer.
Post by: a_mist_wolf on June 11, 2012, 11:41:52 pm
When you told me that the new breastplate designs would require three metal bars now, I thought that seemed reasonable. But then I started watching your colleagues work. Your friend, Urist McBlacksmith? He can block off a tunnel big enough for a dragon to walk through with a single bar. Not just block it off, a solid wall. Waterproof and everything.
So I thought all the metal you are using must make our militiadwarves damn near invincible. I mean, what, a dozen bars in a dwarf-sized suit? Then I thought back to our last skirmish with the neighbors. One more than one occasion, dwarves wearing your armor were dismembered by goblins attacking with whips.
There's no nice way to say this. You suck at your job.
Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 11, 2012, 11:48:44 pm
I'm sorry to contradict you, sir, but "whip" is the actually the goblin word for "lightsaber." That is why my armor didn't stop them. I just want you to know that I am a very good armor maker, and it's not my fault if it encounters something extreme.
-Urist McArmorer.
Post by: Greiger on June 12, 2012, 12:01:31 am
Spoiler: ninjas (click to show/hide)
Post by: Corai on June 12, 2012, 12:03:06 am
Spoiler: ninjas (click to show/hide)
Incorrect, Candy would be WORTHLESS against maces, hammers, flails, and whips as candy has no defense against blunt.
Sincerly, a newb at modding.
Post by: Greiger on June 12, 2012, 12:08:06 am
Post by: WillowLuman on June 12, 2012, 12:26:21 am
Post by: a_mist_wolf on June 12, 2012, 12:43:56 am
To invisible overlord.
You ever get down here real close and study one of these walls? The bookeepers always say it's a cube for the paperworks sake, but to make those walls they just hammer it really really really thin. It looks solid enough with just a glance over, nobody ever really notices it's only a few nanometers thick so the gobbos never bother to try knocking it down.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Urist McArmorer
Dear Urist McArmorer,
Are those thin walls somehow managing to fool the volcano? Because iron walls and floodgates are currently holding back a few million Urists of magma that would otherwise be flooding your forges. Maybe the walls are thin, but they stop flying boulders, ballista bolts, giants, collossi, and the aforementioned dragons. Urist McBlacksmith can be making them out of tin foil for all I care, he gets results.
And it's not just the whips, poor Urist McMarksdwarf was crippled by a kobold with a dagger while wearing steel chain. Made by you.
One more thing... Yet another axedwarf is yelling at the mayor right now about being "embarrassed to be uncovered lately." He is wearing, among other things, a steel breastplate, a steel mail shirt, steel mail leggings, steel greaves, steel boots, steel gauntlets, and a steel cap and steel helm. I shouldn't have to ask you if you are making crotchless armor!
Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord
Post by: Corai on June 12, 2012, 12:47:04 am
When I send you to kill ravenmen that are murdering a citizen, I expect you to SAVE him. Not kill one and walk off.
Dear Splint,
I apologize for your broken every-limb, profusing bleeding, and death.
Love, your overseer.
Post by: a_mist_wolf on June 12, 2012, 12:48:49 am
I saw you single-handedly moving a caged rhinoceros up six flights of stairs a while back, so you may understand how bewildered and disappointed I am now to see you making two trips to bring in a pair of socks.
Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord.
Post by: hops on June 12, 2012, 02:01:55 am
Enjoy the rotten meats. That's all I have to say on the matter.
Love, with overseer.
Post by: Wyrmnax on June 12, 2012, 11:31:19 am
Please, leave your children at the goblin care center before you join. Thank you.
Post by: WaffleEggnog on June 12, 2012, 03:21:46 pm
Screw you you tree-humping grass-mollesting plant-raping people-eating smelly hippies
Sincierly, some guy who REALLY hates elves
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 12, 2012, 03:29:32 pm
I understand you miss shooting Asmel, but that's no excuse to start shooting the were-opossum.
At this point, I'm starting to think you're just bored from the lack of goblins.
I'd say stop it, but then you'd probably start shooting each other instead.
As you were.
~Overseer
I will not be held accountable if zombies make it into the central hive. Or if the moose pit zombies are released. Just remember, I do hold the Armageddon lever.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 13, 2012, 01:46:10 am
GO AWAY!
I have enough trouble with building enough beds as-is because I desperately need the wood for my megaproject. I don't CARE how nice my sea-side fortress looks, go bother some other overseer. Otherwise, I swear I'm going to go spare and start culling visitors on-sight!
Sincerely, The Irritated Over
Post by: DTF on June 13, 2012, 02:46:25 am
I have enough trouble with building enough beds as-is because I desperately need the wood for my megaproject.
I was wondering what kind of engineering masterpiece you were up to this time.
Sea side...lots of wood...you're building an ark, arent you?
Post by: Corai on June 13, 2012, 02:50:15 am
I have enough trouble with building enough beds as-is because I desperately need the wood for my megaproject.
I was wondering what kind of engineering masterpiece you were up to this time.
Sea side...lots of wood...you're building an ark, arent you?
No, hes building a giant middle finger to another continent, that has nothing but elves on it.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 13, 2012, 04:19:27 am
Post by: hops on June 13, 2012, 04:26:45 am
Post by: Splint on June 13, 2012, 04:33:30 am
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 13, 2012, 04:46:20 am
Is it a gigantic spire requiring rediculous amounts of power to power a combination of minecarts and magma pumps?
I already did that. Left some spots by the bridges in The Spire where you could dig out some tracks leading wherever. As for the magma pumps, ditto. There's a powered end-point for it and the general note of "build it however you like, as long as it ends here".
Post by: Splint on June 13, 2012, 04:50:34 am
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 13, 2012, 04:52:30 am
Thanks for the wood. Yes, we'll be stealing it all from you again next year. Too busy to trade.
To the dwarves of Bookwild;
Work harder. I have multiple projects underway and far too many of you seem to be idle. Prepare for reassignment!
edit: I see you little buggers have decided to throw a nice big tantrum spiral. Thanks for doing that in winter, right when I need you working the hardest while the ocean's frozen.
Sincerely; Your Strange Mood-ing Over
Post by: ledgekindred on June 13, 2012, 12:19:36 pm
I'd love for you to come visiting again. Bring all the christmas presents you'd like! I have a couple little friends downstairs that I would like you to meet. (And completely coincidentally, and totally unrelated, I'd really love to test the airlock system I've built that connects the cavern layers with the surface....) We've got meals for years and are self-sufficient on booze and farming, so we don't mind walling up and waiting it out while you play with your new friends.
Dear Elves,
Screw you. You bring me grizzly bears which I am perfectly willing to buy from you and you go and pitch a fit over a sock? At least I imagine it must have been the sock. Everything else I offered you was made out of stone. We took your stuff anyway. Feel free to join the humans or goblins (or both, with any luck) and come visit us again any time you'd like.
Yrs
Anxious Omniscient Overseer
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 13, 2012, 12:46:25 pm
(http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/3319/yeahthanksguys.png)
...
Why did you shoot him this time?
...
Actually, I don't want to know.
~Overseer
P.s. Ezum, stop talking about yourself in the third person. Only the Asmel and the Urists have the right to do that now.
Post by: Kassil on June 14, 2012, 11:37:30 am
What the hell would you need that much power for then....
Draining the ocean, perhaps?
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on June 14, 2012, 11:42:16 am
What the hell would you need that much power for then....
Draining the ocean, perhaps?
Close, but not quite. The point is moot as my idea didn't work at the prototype scale, so certainly won't work full-scale. I'd planned to build a wall of screwpumps in the ocean to create a kind of safe-zone area devoid of water as long as the pumps were active and build an outdoors-ish fortress within. Goblins turn up to attack? Close the doors to the buildings and turn off the power...
Since that didn't work, at ALL, I'm instead going to ring-cast obsidian walls down to the ocean floor layer-by-layer and drain the created chamber. Then install floodgates along each level for a similar defensive strategy.
Dear Ocean;
DAMN YOU FOR FLOWING FASTER THAN MY PUMPS!
Sincerely, a beserk overseer with a failed mood.
Post by: Bobnova on June 14, 2012, 11:49:16 am
To Urist McAdventurer,
I appreciate the need to dodge the fearsome, standard size, largely harmless, owl's vicious attacks. But why must you do it off a cliff, into water?
Regards,
Your rather annoyed director, who now needs a new Adventurer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 14, 2012, 11:51:18 am
Would the dwarves even notice the different between a berserk overseer and a "normal" overseer?Yes, suddenly.
Post by: Firehawk45 on June 14, 2012, 12:43:20 pm
Your ambitions to instantly smelt down all the presents our greenskinned friends brought is definitly apreciated. But to run into the friend of said greenskinned friend to get the armour and weapon in the field isnt a smart idea. Maybe the fact that you will get a cooper-sarcophagus out of your own smelted ores will help you rest in peace.
Sincerely,
A truly shocked and confused overseer ("How did this guy managed to go out their without the goblins coming in?")
Post by: hops on June 15, 2012, 02:42:12 am
Surely you have a better adventurer to ambush than a necromancer with over over 500 corpses following him?
An adventurer to would have stormed your fort if not for this version's nonexistence of other races except humans.
Post by: misko27 on June 15, 2012, 08:55:30 am
I ask you to build a simple outdoor wall. Just a wall. Nothing special. You constructed that wall, and managed to trap your self on the top of it. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?! YOU SHOULD'NT EVEN BE ON THAT Z-LEVEL. Frankly, I'm more confused as to how you accomplished this. There aren't any ramps that could allow it. What. The. Fuck. Frankly, You should be glad I noticed your pitiful cries, cause otherwise no one would ever have found your body. Seriously, Stop it.
Yours Confusedly,
Overseer
Post by: WriterX on June 15, 2012, 09:17:58 am
I admire your toughness, but you really do not have to walk around with that arrow stuck in your arm. We have doctors, you know? They can actually help you! None of our patients died yet.
So please, please go to the hospital.
Yours kindly,
Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 15, 2012, 09:19:57 am
To invisible overlord.
You ever get down here real close and study one of these walls? The bookeepers always say it's a cube for the paperworks sake, but to make those walls they just hammer it really really really thin. It looks solid enough with just a glance over, nobody ever really notices it's only a few nanometers thick so the gobbos never bother to try knocking it down.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Urist McArmorer
Dear Urist McArmorer,
Are those thin walls somehow managing to fool the volcano? Because iron walls and floodgates are currently holding back a few million Urists of magma that would otherwise be flooding your forges. Maybe the walls are thin, but they stop flying boulders, ballista bolts, giants, collossi, and the aforementioned dragons. Urist McBlacksmith can be making them out of tin foil for all I care, he gets results.
And it's not just the whips, poor Urist McMarksdwarf was crippled by a kobold with a dagger while wearing steel chain. Made by you.
One more thing... Yet another axedwarf is yelling at the mayor right now about being "embarrassed to be uncovered lately." He is wearing, among other things, a steel breastplate, a steel mail shirt, steel mail leggings, steel greaves, steel boots, steel gauntlets, and a steel cap and steel helm. I shouldn't have to ask you if you are making crotchless armor!
Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord
Dear idiot-visible overlord,
Dude! Have you ever worn any kind of armor, period? The chainmail pinches! I need some padding!
Sincerely,
Urist McDisrespectfulMilitiaDorf.
Post by: Phillammon on June 15, 2012, 10:19:43 am
I know you're hungry. This is no reason to go back and forth between canceling harvesting the plump helmet due to going and eating and canceling eating because there is no food.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: khearn on June 15, 2012, 11:57:14 am
Post by: misko27 on June 15, 2012, 01:34:43 pm
misko27: check your combat reports to see if the wall-sitting mason happened to dodge a passing badger or something. Sometimes a dwarf will change z-levels when he/she dodges.It wasn't a badger, as I'm in a savage biome, which means giant aniamls. If it was a giant badger, then he wouldnt be on the wall, he'd be smeared all over it. However, there were a variety of animals in the area which could be responsible, so I'll see what happened.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 15, 2012, 02:01:36 pm
Post by: misko27 on June 15, 2012, 03:23:29 pm
Post by: Darkening Kaos on June 16, 2012, 02:49:21 am
Don't be goin' up them ramps as my teams are carvin' 'em out, you'll get stuck......
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Good luck!
Signed,
The Ever-Present Force.
Fake-Edit: Upon checking more carefully, I see that you are already levitating - this will get very interesting.
Post by: Mr Frog on June 16, 2012, 04:10:43 pm
The Overseer would like to remind his personnel that attempting to clean the cyclotron while it is in use is counterproductive for multiple reasons.
Post by: Corai on June 16, 2012, 04:38:21 pm
Stop bugging me. I HAVE A BAG OF WOLF SKULLS!
Love, kobold overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 16, 2012, 09:49:10 pm
[Found carved into the wall near a small, circular cart track covered in multicoloured bloodstains:]
The Overseer would like to remind his personnel that attempting to clean the cyclotron while it is in use is counterproductive for multiple reasons.
[Found scrawled in blood next to a dwarven corpse and the above note:]
I can't think of any reasons for that. If you don't clean this place with water or magma, I need to clean it by hand. Hey, is that a minecar
Post by: Dunamisdeos on June 16, 2012, 11:52:41 pm
It seems you did not recieve my last letter. I think we can handle this like adults. Please view my revised reactions to your wacky hijinx.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbcctWbC8Q0. That is all.
Sincerely, The Overseer
Post by: WillowLuman on June 16, 2012, 11:53:39 pm
Wouldnt it be funny if we made the AVGN play this game?
Post by: Xenogenic on June 17, 2012, 05:31:39 am
There's a siege approaching, just drop the magnetite! Just drop it, it can't be worth a chunk of ore!
Sincerely,
The Overseer
(Yes, the goblins are approaching, and he IS heading towards the fort as ordered, but won't drop the ore which is was SLOOOOWly dragging to the stockpile...
Post by: Sprin on June 17, 2012, 09:42:08 am
close the damn bridge!!!!
dear urist mcuntraindmilita
you will now all die thanks to yurist mcleverpuller. sory fore the inconvienc:(
sined urist mcgod!¡ ¤¤¤
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 17, 2012, 02:46:14 pm
It's a sad day when two valuable Dwarves die,
Especially when one gets to spend the afterlife trapped as a civet crazed for flesh and blood.
I have half the inclination to sacrifice one of you, if I had no need for you.
Fortunately for you, I do.
Don't screw up again.
~Overseer.
Post by: Ria Hawk on June 18, 2012, 07:10:58 am
So you'll find anything else to do but trade with the Mountainhomes caravan, despite my ordering you not to do anything else. What the hell were you doing hauling things to the depot anyway? And once you did, why not just, I dunno, stay there and do your damn job? Not that anyone else was doing it. I did say anyone could trade, and no one did, but I still hold you entirely responsible for the caravan leaving before I could trade for supplies we desperately needed, what with the population explosion.
And then to add insult to injury, you'll trade with the damn hippies without complaint? Admittedly, the cloth will be somewhat useful, as I haven't got anything remotely resembling a cloth industry yet. I've been too busy scrambling to grow enough food. You know, the stuff I wanted you to buy from the dwarven caravan. Thanks to you, we will be entirely without plump helmets and all they make until the caravan next year. I hope you're proud of yourself.
You've been demoted to hauling duties, and the random peasant who mooded into a legendary stonecrafter will be getting your room in the noble quarter. Consider yourself lucky I don't have magma yet.
- Your Irate Overseer
----
Dear Urist McLegendaryStonecrafter-
Some might say a slate scepter isn't the most useful of artifacts. But you not only used the most common stone we have, but the only other things you wanted were some random bones left over from pet population control. You didn't even want some of the few shells we have. Due to your newfound legendary status, you will now be in charge of producing the main economic export and will be assigned a nicer, larger room in the noble quarter. Carry on.
- Your Appreciative Overseer
----
Dear All Other Urists-
Stop eating all the damned plump helmets. We need those for booze. You're eating them so fast that I can't even keep the farming going, because you're not leaving seeds. We have seven kinds of berry and duck eggs all over the place. We're getting honey. Stop eating the plump helmets.
- Your Facepalming Overseer
Post by: crazysheep on June 18, 2012, 07:14:58 am
Dear All Other Urists-Dear Overseer,
Stop eating all the damned plump helmets. We need those for booze. You're eating them so fast that I can't even keep the farming going, because you're not leaving seeds. We have seven kinds of berry and duck eggs all over the place. We're getting honey. Stop eating the plump helmets.
- Your Facepalming Overseer
Stop facepalming and come help us plant some seeds!
Raw eggs don't taste good, and neither do berries!
All other Urists
PS: Toggle the "cook" status on plump helmets to off in the Kitchen tab. They won't cook the plump helmets, and dwarves eating raw plump helmets will leave usable seeds.
Post by: Ria Hawk on June 18, 2012, 08:49:06 am
STOP COMING.
I don't have enough space for all of you, and the legendary dining room isn't even finished yet. You're flooding the fort, and preventing me from doing the exploratory mining necessary to get industry started properly.
Bugger off.
-Your Harassed Overseer
----
Dear Urist McLegendaryWoodcrafter-
Uh... huh. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were copying Urist McLegendaryStonecrafter. Seeing as how you made a scepter too. And at least you mooded into a Legendary. Unfortunately, this fortress is going to do little to no woodcrafting. If I need bolts, you'll be the first one I ask, but you can return to your hauling duties now. You will not be getting a better room.
- Your Confused Overseer
PS- A palm scepter that menaces with spikes of gypsum? Urist McLegendaryStonecrafter made a slate scepter with slate carbochons, cat bone decorations, and menaces with spikes of dog bone. If you are trying to copy him... you're doing it wrong.
----
PS: Toggle the "cook" status on plump helmets to off in the Kitchen tab. They won't cook the plump helmets, and dwarves eating raw plump helmets will leave usable seeds.
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.
Post by: crazysheep on June 18, 2012, 08:58:20 am
Job cancellation spam may be attributed to stockpile settings.. and there are plenty of threads on that around here somewhere :)PS: Toggle the "cook" status on plump helmets to off in the Kitchen tab. They won't cook the plump helmets, and dwarves eating raw plump helmets will leave usable seeds.
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on June 18, 2012, 02:28:03 pm
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.When someone eats a plant and leaves seeds behind someone has to pick up the whole bag of plump helmet seeds, walk over to the dining room, and put the seed inside preventing the farmers from working.
Post by: tahujdt on June 18, 2012, 03:35:40 pm
I know that it is sad that you did not get your boots on time. I know you love boots. However, what wisdom is there in jailing a person with absolutely no contact in the leather industry? And why, for that matter, is the person you jailed a Legendary Miner?
(Up) Yours, the Overseer.
P.S. Do you have a foot fetish or something?
Post by: Corai on June 18, 2012, 03:37:06 pm
He was a dabbling leathercrafter! Of course he had something to do with it, refusing my wishes!
Tell Urist mcLegendary I said hi. Kisses, Duchess
Post by: Ria Hawk on June 18, 2012, 03:41:38 pm
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.When someone eats a plant and leaves seeds behind someone has to pick up the whole bag of plump helmet seeds, walk over to the dining room, and put the seed inside preventing the farmers from working.
Well, that's new. Serves me right for missing a couple versions, I guess. And naturally, my farms are about six levels above the dining hall, though not horizontally far away. Oh well. I suppose that means I can safely ignore most of the cancel job spam.
Post by: tahujdt on June 19, 2012, 09:20:07 am
Dear Overseer,
He was a dabbling leathercrafter! Of course he had something to do with it, refusing my wishes!
Tell Urist mcLegendary I said hi. Kisses, Duchess
Dear Urist McDuchess,
He is not even that! He never even touched a hide in his life! Is this something to do with the time that you laid on the ground for six months with a head injury and no one came to help? I think it was, because as soon as you woke up, you started demanding boots. We can talk about this. I am willing to mod in a psychologist noble to help you. Please don't stay bottled up like this.
Yours,
The guy who built you a palace out of solid marble
Post by: khearn on June 19, 2012, 11:24:50 am
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.When someone eats a plant and leaves seeds behind someone has to pick up the whole bag of plump helmet seeds, walk over to the dining room, and put the seed inside preventing the farmers from working.
Well, that's new. Serves me right for missing a couple versions, I guess. And naturally, my farms are about six levels above the dining hall, though not horizontally far away. Oh well. I suppose that means I can safely ignore most of the cancel job spam.
Make a food stockpile near the dining room and set it to only take prepared meals. Make some prepared meals from your eggs. Now your dwarves will eat them and leave your plump helmets alone so the brewers can make dwarven wine from them.
Post by: Corai on June 19, 2012, 12:16:53 pm
Thank you. You have not come yet! Thank you for being ever so patient for me to finish the city-blocks. They will be ready, stocked, and furnished if you stay patient.
Love, Kobold overseer
Dear worker union,
Send me miners damnit!
Hate, kobold overseer.
Post by: Klitri on June 19, 2012, 06:43:16 pm
I understand that you try your hardest at life and you are really excited for the bedroom walls.
But when you told me that a creature was occupying the tile, I thought you meant an animal. I watched you stand on the same tile of the construction-no other creatures, then came to me and said that it cant be done because "somebody" is in the way. I'm making the atom smasher for a reason.
Signed, that stranger that said he was leader.
Post by: Renommer on June 20, 2012, 09:38:12 pm
You were absolutely pitiful.
No love, your Overseer
Dear solitary human soldier,
I have no idea why you were hanging around my fortress as there were no human caravans present, but thank you for almost single handedly taking out that goblin siege. Stay and enjoy as long as you please, maybe teach the militiadwarves' successors a few tricks.
Love, the overseer.
Post by: Sidhien on June 21, 2012, 01:35:56 pm
Would one of you please explain to me why our well is filled with goslings?
I just found them. There is NO way they could have gotten there.
Post by: Sevrun on June 21, 2012, 04:52:33 pm
The Armorer isn't making pots and pans. put your freaking armor on! And Where the heck are those idiots with the crossbows??
Post by: Slayerhero90 on June 21, 2012, 08:29:42 pm
I've been lucky to observe common sense from your kind before. You coulde have told me that building flooring attached to the retracting bridge over lava was a bad idea :(. I'm not cruel. I would have listened. At least you did what you told instead of going on break. I'll make a good chamber for your slab.
My apologies, your human overseer.
Post by: Boozebeard on June 21, 2012, 09:04:37 pm
You DO have distillable items. Stop cancelling the task. There is barrel upon barrel of plump helmets stacked right next to your stills.
We are all dying of dehydration, so hurry up!
Post by: mikelon on June 21, 2012, 09:26:30 pm
I made your squad masterwork steel war hammers, the finest dwarven craftmanship this side of the mountainhomes. You immediately started sparring with them, i was happy and content in the thought that i now had a working military
Along comes a goblin ambush, in copper and leather atire no less, while you are fully adorned in iron armor
So tell me why all of you are dead, or better yet tell me why none of you used your war hammers and instead began wrestling and grabbing toes and fingers with the lash wielding goblins
I relizw lashes are the equivalent to lightsabers but still not a single injury except bruising to the goblin squad
Go rot in the field
Post by: Theifofdreams on June 21, 2012, 09:27:17 pm
Thank you. Seriously. Even when asked to flood the fortress with !magma!, you didn't complain. Even when your husband died, you didn't complain. You didn't flinch even though we were out of anything to drink, and while on !FIRE!. You just continued to mine out segments of the volcano to flood the fortress faster. Heck, being on fire merely made you satisfied with your work.
As far as I'm concerned, you're the best dorf ever.
~your stunned, shocked, and immensely pleased, Overseer.
Post by: Darkening Kaos on June 22, 2012, 02:58:11 am
NO! I will not interupt several very important projects and wealth-making initiatives just to make a coffin for your dead pet.
After all it is just a giant rat, and lived for only one year since you migrated to the fortress. It can sit and rot in the corpse pile until I have the time and inclination to attend to it.
The Ever-Present Force.
PS: You're married, go spawn or something.
Post by: Dragor23 on June 22, 2012, 03:36:17 am
yes, I understand you. It's hot, it's dark and it's a little bit wet.
But, pleasy, stop with SPORING EACH OTHER, OH GOD!
The kids are awful and getting on my nerves with all their baby-behaviour.
Also, giving birth while killing gobbos is a little bit freaky.
Post by: quixoticcool on June 23, 2012, 03:49:29 am
I understand that when hauling tasks come up you feel the need to help out, but getting in the dump chute will NOT allow you to dump stuff faster, instead it will only result in your death please while you're in the great fortress in the sky speak to the others about not repeating your mistakes.
Sincerely,
An overseer mourning he loss of his legendary mason
Post by: Dranikos on June 23, 2012, 07:07:13 am
When I requested Iron Bars and Leather on your last visit I expect you to bring more than 1 Bar of Iron and 1 Bin of leather. While bringing 92 Barrels of Dwarven Wine is appreciated, we feel our stockpile of 3974 Dwarven Wine is sufficent, thank you.
Dear Urist McNoble
Due to the previously mentioned lack of iron we are unable (and unwilling) to produce the mandated steel mini-forges. As an apology please enjoy your complimentary upgrade to our heated Noble's Suite, located scenically above the Volcano. Pull lever to engage heat.
Dear Urist McUnholyBadass
While your efforts to break goblin sieges with one leg missing are commendable, we ask that you please use a weapon other than a dog leather earring. and please see a doctor about the cut from your upper right arm to your left hip, the diplomats are starting to worry about you. Also, please PLEASE don't go into a tantrum cause your cat fell into the magma below Urist McNoble's Room.
Dear Urist McHunter
What Kind of IDIOT gets killed by a rabbit?
Dear Urist McLegendaryMinerSquad
Good job killing that Forgotten Beast with a pick to the face. Seriously. Please enjoy your new Artifact furniture, engraved rooms (with Engravings of you!), and custom Job Titles.
Dear Urist McMilitarySquad4
Please learn from the deaths of Urist McMilitarySquad3, and equip your armor at all times as ordered. Also, learn from the bold actions of Urist McLegendaryMinerSquad and put the pointy bits toward the enemy. Report to Goblin Fun Chamber #9 for training.
Post by: Garath on June 23, 2012, 10:13:08 am
Dear Urist McHunter
What Kind of IDIOT gets killed by a rabbit?
I'm sure many of us think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail now
Post by: Orky_Boss on June 23, 2012, 11:29:10 am
Dear Urist McHunter
What Kind of IDIOT gets killed by a rabbit?
I'm sure many of us think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail now
Damn straight.
"Look at the bones!!"
Post by: Akura on June 23, 2012, 11:56:26 am
Dear Mountainhomes: Stop sending fishery workers and rangers. That Great Weaponsmith was nice, except she turned out to be a vampire. A vampire who, despite being locked in an isolated cell for more than a year, was elected mayor. Who then mandated bucklers.
Dear Vampire Mayor: Report to the execution lever. Now.
Post by: ledgekindred on June 23, 2012, 12:19:05 pm
If you'd put on all these lovely High Boots I've made for you, you'd probably stop getting stabbed in the feet and wind up unable to walk. For a gimp military, you're doing pretty well, but I don't like to think about what our visitors think to see the entire military running around with crutches.
tl;dr - put on some damned shoes!
Yrs
Be-footed Omniscient Overseer
Post by: Coalwalker on June 23, 2012, 04:02:52 pm
You have our sincerest thanks.
~The Dwarves of Rithakam
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 23, 2012, 05:49:53 pm
Show yourselves, we have brains. Just stand by the giant battleaxe, and we'll send them to you.
~Yours faithfully, Overseer.
Post by: Renommer on June 23, 2012, 05:53:21 pm
As much fun as it is jumping off of the waterfall on to the grates which are the only things preventing you from plummeting to your death, please cease this activity and use the bridge to fetch the wood for burning. Those grates may not be there next time you jump.
Post by: Garath on June 23, 2012, 06:08:14 pm
Dear Urist McWoodburner
As much fun as it is jumping off of the waterfall on to the grates which are the only things preventing you from plummeting to your death, please cease this activity and use the bridge to fetch the wood for burning. Those grates may not be there next time you jump.
have you used traffic designations yet, to make the bridge a better option than the falls? If not, might do a facepalm? After all, dwarfs don't think like you or me, gotta help em a bit by telling them where to go
Post by: Bobnova on June 23, 2012, 07:05:57 pm
I really don't care, at all, if you had a baby. Please stop telling me about them, it drags my attention away from the important projects such as baby storage units.
Regards,
Your overseer
Post by: Dranikos on June 23, 2012, 08:02:00 pm
The population cap is set at 150 for reasons pertaining to my sanity, I would appreciate it if you would respect such a cap. Further, the child cap is set at 20 for similar reasons. Please PLEASE PLEASE stop reproducing until such that our population (Currently:217, 37 Children, 16 Babies) has been reduced to meet these numbers. Failure to do so will result in Military mandated Danger Room training for Nursing Mothers.
PS. Especially don't start spontaneously start having births after a year and a half of the fortress being above these mandated numbers.
Edit: PPS Stop spawning! We're now at 237 Dwarves, and 27 Babies. Stop.
Edit: Dear Urist McGuardcaptain
I don't know how you did it. But in the future when the Legendary Armorsmith who made your artifact mail shirt fails to produce Urist McMonarch's Mandate for Candy Mini-Forges, a "beating" does not mean "punch his head off". Now we need to train a new armorsmith from scratch...
Post by: Corai on June 24, 2012, 11:37:41 pm
I understand your rage at my inability to get pigtails, which I have none of. But you could had just started crying on he mayor's shoulder instead of running into the dining room, killing three children, mauling another. Then into a barracks, downing a entire squad, braining the clerk, and wiping out half the work-force.
Love, your former kobold overseer.
Post by: Ria Hawk on June 25, 2012, 02:16:10 am
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS.
The constant influx of new mouths to feed is putting undue strain on a very young fort. We haven't even discovered magma yet, or any useful metal, for Armok's sake.
Seriously. This fort's only been in existence for four years, and we already have a population of 129.
We don't need any more.
- The Beleaguered Overseer
Post by: Olith McHuman on June 25, 2012, 04:48:43 am
You killed the dragon! Good job! However, I must question the wisdom of taking a nap on a pile of burning seeds that was dropped by a hauler.
Dear ninja goblin thieves
So what if you've been locked up in that hallway for several years. So what if you are now legendary ambushers and can waltz right past my military without being seen, and then stab my important dwarfs. We will find you.
p.s. I hope you like water.
Post by: Renommer on June 25, 2012, 11:20:47 am
You went in to a mood. Great!
In a butcher's shop. Okay....
And made a dwarf bone gauntlet. Okay.......
And a moment later Urist McHauler was found dead.
Is there something you would like to tell me?
Post by: crazysheep on June 25, 2012, 11:26:14 am
Dear Urist McMayorFound inscribed into one of the bones of the gauntlet: "Fell mood?"
You went in to a mood. Great!
In a butcher's shop. Okay....
And made a dwarf bone gauntlet. Okay.......
And a moment later Urist McHauler was found dead.
Is there something you would like to tell me?
Post by: hops on June 26, 2012, 12:46:22 am
Dear Urist McMayorD_ Over_
You went in to a mood. Great!
In a butcher's shop. Okay....
And made a dwarf bone gauntlet. Okay.......
And a moment later Urist McHauler was found dead.
Is there something you would like to tell me?
he...not...
bone...shiny...
mandate...
mandate bones...
disposables...
With lousighoawktjglwr;askf
Mayonnaise
Post by: Corai on June 26, 2012, 12:52:16 am
No. I do not want -Yep, just remembered that story- ponies. Stop sending them, I need earth ponies for farming. Or unicorns, because they have horns.
Love, ponies from Crystalshine.
Post by: Jake on June 26, 2012, 04:53:24 am
Post by: MaxZero on June 26, 2012, 06:05:57 am
There were other squares to stand on to channel the last sections of the moat, why did you place yourself ontop of it? I have never seen this happen unless there were no other options. Now you have drowned, and so has your equal
Post by: WillowLuman on June 26, 2012, 12:18:55 pm
Tentacle ponies?The associated imagery that that brings up when mentioned on this forum... just no. The nightmares of 40d...
(http://webtrax.hu/myfacewhen/faces/lineart-memes/mother-of-god.jpg)
Post by: tahujdt on June 26, 2012, 05:28:42 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 26, 2012, 05:34:40 pm
We do not need another pony thread.I'd put more emphasis on "tentacles."
Post by: tahujdt on June 26, 2012, 05:35:54 pm
We do not need another pony thread.I'd put more emphasis on "tentacles."
Fair enough. Lets start a new pony thread right away! Maybe a crundle thread too.
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 26, 2012, 05:37:09 pm
crundle thread too.Too far :x
Post by: Corai on June 26, 2012, 05:39:08 pm
Too far :xcrundledemonic little beasts thread too.
I got laughs from this. Oddly enough tentacle ponies from that mod dont actually have tentacles I think. Just evil.
And another 20 minutes spent looking for that god damn story, the thing is deleted from google too.
Post by: tahujdt on June 26, 2012, 05:41:48 pm
And another 20 minutes spent looking for that god damn story, the thing is deleted from google too.
^^ this
Post by: WillowLuman on June 26, 2012, 07:25:24 pm
Why is it that when I tell you to build a fucking plank wall, do you tell me that there's someone standing in the way? Are you fucking serious? You are the last person in this entire fort left alive. There IS no one else. So you know what that means? You're standing there, where the wall needs to be, and holding the plank over your head in utter incomprehension how you can build a wall where you're standing. Then you complain that there's someone in the way. I don't even know why I let you handle sharp objects like axes. If any migrants show up before you die due to being incapable of finishing the defenses, you shall be a cleaner for the rest of your natural life. Gods only know you'll find a way to screw that up too.
Sincerely, The Voice
Post by: Scott Cee on June 26, 2012, 08:07:35 pm
When I assign raw recruits to your squad, it is for you to run hammer demonstrations, not spar with them one at a time and splatter them all over the barracks.
You may not care about anything anymore, but those peasants only wanted to learn how to use hammers effectively. What's more, many of them had close friends and very large extended families, who do care.
You may be wearing layers of plate steel and wielding a masterworked gem-encrusted legendary hammer, the enraged friends and familes of ex-recruits are not.
Thank you oh, so very much for your time.
Post by: Fallenworldful on June 26, 2012, 08:12:22 pm
We have specially prepared an ARTIFACT SLADE HAMMER produced at great expense to the fortress (and game stability).
Do not run outside, drop it, pick up some random training spear, and proceed in a suicidal attack.
While your loss would've acceptable, a Kobold waltzed in and stole the hammer.
We hope you enjoy the Circus.
Overseerer
Post by: WillowLuman on June 26, 2012, 09:14:56 pm
Note to Urist McHammerLord:
We have specially prepared an ARTIFACT SLADE HAMMER produced at great expense to the fortress (and game stability).
Do not run outside, drop it, pick up some random training spear, and proceed in a suicidal attack.
While your loss would've acceptable, a Kobold waltzed in and stole the hammer.
We hope you enjoy the Circus.
Overseerer
That, right there... just... wow.
Post by: Corai on June 26, 2012, 09:20:12 pm
Note to Urist McHammerLord:
We have specially prepared an ARTIFACT SLADE HAMMER produced at great expense to the fortress (and game stability).
Do not run outside, drop it, pick up some random training spear, and proceed in a suicidal attack.
While your loss would've acceptable, a Kobold waltzed in and stole the hammer.
We hope you enjoy the Circus.
Overseerer
That, right there... just... wow.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear kobold thief,
YOU ARE EPIC. YOU. ARE. EPIC.
Love, your kobold overseer
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 27, 2012, 12:53:57 am
Note to Urist McHammerLord:
We have specially prepared an ARTIFACT SLADE HAMMER produced at great expense to the fortress (and game stability).
Do not run outside, drop it, pick up some random training spear, and proceed in a suicidal attack.
While your loss would've acceptable, a Kobold waltzed in and stole the hammer.
We hope you enjoy the Circus.
Overseerer
That, right there... just... wow.
That's just a stone cold Kobold right there.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 27, 2012, 12:59:19 am
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
Post by: Corai on June 27, 2012, 01:00:13 am
How does he lift that hammer?
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
Or Armok decided to be a troll and gave that kobold superkobold strengh.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 27, 2012, 01:03:43 am
How does he lift that hammer?
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
Or Armok decided to be a troll and gave that kobold superkobold strengh.
I know of only one kobold with that power... but probably not. More likely this kobold just dragged it slowly off while disguising it as a bush.
Post by: Corai on June 27, 2012, 01:04:36 am
How does he lift that hammer?
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
Or Armok decided to be a troll and gave that kobold superkobold strengh.
I know of only one kobold with that power... but probably not. More likely this kobold just dragged it slowly off while disguising it as a bush.
Or....
We must make a thread, for this event.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 27, 2012, 01:09:52 am
Nah
Dear Giant Mantis
WTF I didn't know they had you in this game? F*ck humans I wanna play as you! Go ahead, eat my terminally stupid woodcutter. I need to go change your raws right now!
Post by: Flying Fortress on June 27, 2012, 08:29:21 am
I don't care about, nor can I accomplish, your multiple large gem mandates when I don't even have a gem cutter yet. In fact I also don't care that you've been unhappy lately, I have better things to worry about then your happiness. This large above ground fort won't designate and micro-manage itself you know. So I kindly ask that you report to the 'Get out of my face' room as soon as the miners are done digging it out.
Signed,
Your noble hating overseer.
Post by: jaxy15 on June 27, 2012, 08:30:41 am
There is a stone stockpile right freaking next to you. Don't go downstairs for stone.
Sincerely, overseer
Post by: Wyrmnax on June 27, 2012, 01:50:03 pm
Taking joy in slaugher when the only thing you ever killed was your own berzerking child is straining. Go get some beer.
The Overseer.
Post by: ZeroSumHappiness on June 27, 2012, 02:27:52 pm
I love dwarves.
Post by: Eric Blank on June 27, 2012, 02:48:59 pm
There is a dragon outside. I want all the gates shut and everyone to report to the bunkers. After everyone has made it inside and it's locked out, I want cage traps prepared to capture it.
Don't fudge this up, or it'll roast you all, and I will help it.
Sincerely, Overseer of
P.S. Nevermind, the human caravan fucked it up FOR you. You're excused, this time.
Dear Human Caravan Guards.
Why can't you just burn to death!? I wanted that dragon alive!
Sincerely, the overseer of the fortress that is about to sic the militia on you.
Post by: hiroshi42 on June 27, 2012, 04:36:38 pm
In the future please refrain from displacing the nesting exotic animals while they are on their nest boxes. The hatchery layout was recently altered to allow for a two urist gap between each box and yet you morons chose the direct route. If my cave dragons don't hatch two of you are going over the falls.
Dear Onget Laboredivory, animal trainer:
I was hoping that you would be slightly more intelligent than the haulers, but walking along the entire row of occupied nest boxes. If nothing hatches by next year you and two lucky haulers will enjoy an all expense paid trip to the bottom of Urist falls.
Dear children of Axegrotto:
Please keep in mind that in addition to the natural waterfall in their bedrooms, your parents also enjoy a mist generator and masterwork gold furniture in the dining room. I could probably throw half of you over the falls and everyone else would still be ecstatic. YOU ARE EXPENDABLE.
Dear mayor Aban Bridgehame The Diamond Lure of Attics:
Besides your slight quern fetish you are a remarkably competent leader. Please note that you have been appointed to the position of Mayor for Life and we will be making this official the next time those pansies from the mountainhomes decide to visit.
With annoyance, Me.
P.S. I am loving this waterfall, it's a natural execution tower with a drowning pit.
Post by: Firehawk45 on June 27, 2012, 05:12:50 pm
Dear dorfs of The Maze of Glory,
There is a dragon outside. I want all the gates shut and everyone to report to the bunkers. After everyone has made it inside and it's locked out, I want cage traps prepared to capture it.
Don't fudge this up, or it'll roast you all, and I will help it.
Sincerely, Overseer ofhorrible death mazeThe Maze of Glory.
P.S. Nevermind, the human caravan fucked it up FOR you. You're excused, this time.
Dear Human Caravan Guards.
Why can't you just burn to death!? I wanted that dragon alive!
Sincerely, the overseer of the fortress that is about to sic the militia on you.
You prevented the dwarfs from screwing something up.... You basically SCREAMED to Armok to send something that will take this part out of the hands of your
Post by: ZeroSumHappiness on June 27, 2012, 05:18:05 pm
Dear haulers of Axegrotto:Dear Overseer,
In the future please refrain from displacing the nesting exotic animals while they are on their nest boxes. The hatchery layout was recently altered to allow for a two urist gap between each box and yet you morons chose the direct route.
We didn't see your designation to avoid those nest boxes. Why don't you designate them as restricted so we can avoid them when trying to walk through that area.
Thank You,
Haulers Guild of Axegrotto
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 28, 2012, 08:09:24 am
Dear Urist McMilitarySquad4...Who has NINE goblin fun chambers?
Please learn from the deaths of Urist McMilitarySquad3, and equip your armor at all times as ordered. Also, learn from the bold actions of Urist McLegendaryMinerSquad and put the pointy bits toward the enemy. Report to Goblin Fun Chamber #9 for training.
More recently:
How does he lift that hammer?Erm, slade hammers probably weigh more than the pack animal. Unless he smuggled in a dragon or sea serpent or something.
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
I gave birth, so I'm happy. But my baby died, so I'm sad. But I got to kill it, so I'm happy.Well, this might not be THAT unrealistic, depending on how much the baby was crying... ;D
I love dwarves.
Post by: krenshala on June 28, 2012, 10:21:23 am
Having a 6yo son, I can confirm that its a miracle any child reaches puberty, let alone adulthood. I wonder how I wasn't gleefully murdered considering I remember what I was like as a child (as bad as my son). :DI gave birth, so I'm happy. But my baby died, so I'm sad. But I got to kill it, so I'm happy.Well, this might not be THAT unrealistic, depending on how much the baby was crying... ;D
I love dwarves.
Post by: Garath on June 28, 2012, 01:04:11 pm
Having a 6yo son, I can confirm that its a miracle any child reaches puberty, let alone adulthood. I wonder how I wasn't gleefully murdered considering I remember what I was like as a child (as bad as my son). :DI gave birth, so I'm happy. But my baby died, so I'm sad. But I got to kill it, so I'm happy.Well, this might not be THAT unrealistic, depending on how much the baby was crying... ;D
I love dwarves.
I love DF people
also, for everyone who keeps on crying about too many migrants:
Learn how the fucking pop_cap works in d_init and stop hurting my good mood. Yes, this is me in a good mood, you want me in a bad mood?
To the person a lot earlier complaining about child cap: It stops new pregnancies, not existing ones, nor migrating kids, so you were just too late setting it. Try setting it right at the embark and watch it work. Keep in mind that migrant children don't count towards the cap untill they arrive and some dwarfs might already be pregnant, etc etc... so YES, unless you set it at day 1 and set it all at 1, it's going to take time before you notice the results.
you know what, raging is fin, I should do it more often
:D :D
Oh right, I just bought some weird warhammer off of a kobold for 2 urists, anyone willing to buy it?
Post by: Firehawk45 on June 28, 2012, 04:22:49 pm
Quote
Yes, this is me in a good mood, you want me in a bad mood?
Good Mood:
"Garath is sketching pictures of angry childhaters."
"Garath has created Pasher, the killer of Forums, an angry pwnhammer"
Bad Mood:
Garath goes and kills a random forumuser.
"Garath has created (Insert cool name here), a forumuser "beware"-sign.
Post by: Syuviel on June 28, 2012, 04:35:24 pm
I'm not sure why your fellow dorfs so. When i told you to make barrels, you began hauling stone. When i told you never to haul things, you began building a wall. When i told you not to build a wall, you went to the craftshop and made wooden bolts. When i told you not to do ANYTHING besides make barrels, you went to get a drink of water, took a nap, and then had a brief tantrum.
Sincerely, 17 completely sober dwarves, and a brewerdwarf with no barrels.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on June 28, 2012, 04:45:10 pm
You spam messages telling me about the being damp stone when I know where the water is, but when you decide to build some stairs up from cavern 3 to build me a manual pumpstack, I expect you to tell me when I've hit cavern 2's ocean. Tekkud, our resident Legendary Woodcrafter/ Not Legendary Pump Operator is now sleeping with the imaginary fishes. Cavern 3 is now flooded. I really liked those 2 adamantine spires. A legendary miner cannot make it to the staircase.
Dear Tekkud:
Screw you.
Post by: Headhanger on June 28, 2012, 04:46:42 pm
There is a defensive wall surrounding the fortress entrance. This was designed with your fellow marksdwarves in mind. You can stand atop the wall and shoot goblins to your heart's content without being in danger of receiving a battleaxe to the face.
I realise that the fortifications are not finished yet, but please refrain from dodging off the wall to avoid goblin arrows.
At least dodge off the friendly side of the wall and not the goblin side.
And please refrain from giving birth while you're fighting for your life.
Yours faithfully,
A concerned and overworked overseer.
Post by: ledgekindred on June 28, 2012, 05:36:14 pm
I'd like to thank you for your hard work at building that wall in time to prevent the goblins from getting in.
I'd like to but of course I can't. Because you didn't. Because you said there was something in the way. I looked. You want to know what it was?
A piece of pigtail fiber thread.
You utter, narkking idiot! We lost nearly 40 citizens because you couldn't get a wall up in time, due to a fricken piece of string. Oh yeah, and you had the temerity to survive the invasion intact.
Yrs
Rage-stomping Omniscient Overlord
Post by: Tolisk on June 28, 2012, 11:22:00 pm
When someone turns into a wereracoon, you don't rush into his room to grab his pants!
Yours,
The facepalming guy inside the sky.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on June 28, 2012, 11:41:05 pm
GET OFF THE FUCKING MINECART TRACKS! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU HAS A LEGENDARY DINING ROOM TO FUCK AROUND IN, A GRAND BEDROOM TO PISS AWAY YOUR DAYS, AND A FUCK TON OF WORK TO DO! INSTEAD YOU ALL FUCKING INSIST ON MILLING DIRECTLY ON THE FUCKING MINECART TRACKS! THERE IS ONLY ONE SET OF FUCKING TRACKS, THEY AREN'T NEAR FUCKING ANYTHING, THEY ARE IN A RESTRICTED FUCKING AREA LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE! WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING FASCINATED BY STANDING DIRECTLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING MINECART TRACKS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'VE DONE? THERE ARE NO MORE FUCKS LEFT IN MY BODY I AM NOW FUCK DEFICIENT! FUCK ALL OF YOU! FUCK!
Your profanity shouting overseer.
Post by: Vyro on June 29, 2012, 12:55:45 am
You see that Urist McPorcupine laying there in front of the gates? Yes, the one that is currently unconscious and being repeatedly kicked by a bunch of crossbow goblins? He put on a helmet. A shitty copper one, which, however, has proven to be more than enough to deflect iron crossbow bashes to the head for about a hundred pages of report. Hence, he is still alive. He will be rescued, recover (despite a dozen of concussions) and return to his duties as a crossbowdorf. He will even get "shakyhands" as a custom nickname.
Now see those corpses of your fellow squadmates? They didn't put on a helmet. And now they are dead. All they'll get is a shitty rock coffin our mason practiced on.
Choose life!
Post by: Tolisk on June 29, 2012, 01:02:06 am
Why did you just drop your sword in the caverns, then proceed to climb all the way back to the fortress and grab a bin, haul it back down, and shove your masterwork sword inside, when it is yours and you have uniform on when inactive. You may have dropped it when you were fighting a GC Spider, but that doesnt excuse you as it never hit you, instead being deflected by your masterwork iron armor.
Your crying savior,
Tolisk.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 29, 2012, 01:49:00 am
WHAT THE FUCK. That came RIGHT THE HELL OUT OF NOWHERE.
Sincerely, The Shadows on the Wall.
PS: I think you ought to have told us about your condition before it became an issue. Instead, you just kept it a secret then suddenly transformed into an unstoppable killing machine that destroyed our entire population in 15 seconds. I hope you're happy.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 29, 2012, 09:00:56 am
Dear Urist McCarpenterPants.Rock pots.
I'm not sure why your fellow dorfs so. When i told you to make barrels, you began hauling stone. When i told you never to haul things, you began building a wall. When i told you not to build a wall, you went to the craftshop and made wooden bolts. When i told you not to do ANYTHING besides make barrels, you went to get a drink of water, took a nap, and then had a brief tantrum.
Sincerely, 17 completely sober dwarves, and a brewerdwarf with no barrels.
Post by: Garath on June 29, 2012, 02:40:06 pm
QuoteYes, this is me in a good mood, you want me in a bad mood?
Good Mood:
"Garath is sketching pictures of angry childhaters."
"Garath has created Pasher, the killer of Forums, an angry pwnhammer"
Bad Mood:
Garath goes and kills a random forumuser.
"Garath has created (Insert cool name here), a forumuser "beware"-sign.
aw man, I was hoping to have magma all around, guess I'm still too soft.
Post by: Splint on June 29, 2012, 03:20:58 pm
Post by: Andux on June 29, 2012, 07:25:35 pm
PS: I think you ought to have told us about your condition before it became an issue.
Ye didnae ask - and I ne'er sayed I weren't a werebeastie.
Yers Tuskedly,
Urist McWeremammoth Sosadbufut Kosh
Post by: krenshala on June 29, 2012, 07:27:19 pm
You can make epic stuff with Magma's aid, but not out of magma. Dwarves mastered the iceblock wall, not the nonsolidified magma wall.Dwarves have mastered the use of solidified magma, however. They build equally well with water as with lava. Usually through the application of one to the other, of course. :D
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 29, 2012, 07:35:52 pm
Well-put.You can make epic stuff with Magma's aid, but not out of magma. Dwarves mastered the iceblock wall, not the nonsolidified magma wall.Dwarves have mastered the use of solidified magma, however. They build equally well with water as with lava. Usually through the application of one to the other, of course. :D
Post by: Splint on June 29, 2012, 07:54:52 pm
I've reenabled invaders, where are my victims? I can't name a champion based on kill count if they don't have anything to kill!
Thank you.
Foreman of Cavernsearched.
Post by: krenshala on June 29, 2012, 09:48:04 pm
Dear goblins
I've reenabled invaders, where are my victims? I can't name a champion based on kill count if they don't have anything to kill!
Thank you.
Foreman of Cavernsearched.
Foremans of Checked Hole in Ground,
Snog still reading map to small bosses. Give him time to knock correct trail into thick green skulls and we be there for party in yer honor.
Middle Boss of Local Greenskin Union Number um ... carp, I can't count
Post by: Darkening Kaos on June 29, 2012, 11:40:02 pm
Yes, I believed that it was a good idea to lumber you with two GCS pets, however, how was I know how much work it would create.....Still, now that you have your own........
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The Ever-Present Force.
Post by: Corai on June 29, 2012, 11:42:14 pm
HOW. How did you defeat my kobolds? And not even that, you went onto a 100 year long war. With one army, over and over! Destroying about umm, A ENTIRE GOBLIN CIV. Then you went on to cripple a human civ! How!
Sincerly, your kobold
Dear kobolds, goblins, and humans
WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ALL THE SUDDEN?
Sincerly, your kobold overseer
Post by: misko27 on June 30, 2012, 12:18:28 am
Dear elves,Are they be led by a swilight freak or something? I've noticed that it is possible that bizzare creatures, like mole monsters, lead attackers and utterly own the opposing force. Seriously, It gets to the point where everyone BUT the leader of the force dies, and they still win. I imagine that the opponents just run after a hundred or two are killed single-handedly. It gets prety over-powered if it happens early in world-gen, I've seen utterly tiny defenders (5 kobolds, 3 Unicorns, 3 uh( i forgot, some sort of large cat, maybe a jaguar) and a twilight freak) slaughter 1 thousand elves. with 5 losses.
HOW. How did you defeat my kobolds? And not even that, you went onto a 100 year long war. With one army, over and over! Destroying about umm, A ENTIRE GOBLIN CIV. Then you went on to cripple a human civ! How!
Sincerly, your koboldoverseer
Dear kobolds, goblins, and humans
WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ALL THE SUDDEN?
Sincerly, your kobold overseer
Post by: Corai on June 30, 2012, 12:20:01 am
Dear elves,Are they be led by a swilight freak or something? I've noticed that it is possible that bizzare creatures, like mole monsters, lead attackers and utterly own the opposing force. Seriously, It gets to the point where everyone BUT the leader of the force dies, and they still win. I imagine that the opponents just run after a hundred or two are killed single-handedly. It gets prety over-powered if it happens early in world-gen, I've seen utterly tiny defenders (5 kobolds, 3 Unicorns, 3 uh( i forgot, some sort of large cat, maybe a jaguar) and a twilight freak) slaughter 1 thousand elves. with 5 losses.
HOW. How did you defeat my kobolds? And not even that, you went onto a 100 year long war. With one army, over and over! Destroying about umm, A ENTIRE GOBLIN CIV. Then you went on to cripple a human civ! How!
Sincerly, your koboldoverseer
Dear kobolds, goblins, and humans
WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ALL THE SUDDEN?
Sincerly, your kobold overseer
2000 elves, 300 humans, 10 giant animals. Thats all.
Seriously, after about 30 sieges they were fighting 2-3 things because they killed so much.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 30, 2012, 12:49:22 am
Dear Settlers of Firestead,
Why is it that when I assign each of you perfectly usable rifles that you insist on leaving all the bullets in the armory and just charging in to beat things with the stock? Okay, it might work on wolves, but when the angry Outlaws show up, please shoot them. They're armed with clubs, for goodness sake. Metal clubs, but those wouldn't be a problem against guns. Or at least they shouldn't be. They utterly destroy guns when you insist on trying to use guns AS clubs.
Sincerely, your Administrator.
Post by: Tolisk on June 30, 2012, 08:01:39 pm
Why wont you show that GCS who is the boss, when he has killed a doctor and a craft dorf and ate them?
It is trying to eat you too, but your helm is keeping you safe so do something about that spider!
Signed,
The person with problems.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Splint on June 30, 2012, 08:04:35 pm
Leave. Please. A 103 year old woman just did a diving tackle and stabbed one of you through the head, and another soldier punched one of you to death despite having a sword. And you keep spooking the people trying to fish from the brook. While I appreciate that your are giant and delicious, I'd rather not have to exterminate you.
Sighned,
Splint, The Overseer.
Post by: Corai on June 30, 2012, 08:14:01 pm
Dear giant crows around Thiefcrushers,
Leave. Please. A 103 year old woman just did a diving tackle and stabbed one of you through the head, and another soldier punched one of you to death despite having a sword. And you keep spooking the people trying to fish from the brook. While I appreciate that your are giant and delicious, I'd rather not have to exterminate you.
Sighned,
Splint, The Overseer.
Dear Giant crows,
I told you to use armor. Now your dead. How am I suppose to destroy this fortress if you cant even kill a old hag?
Sincerely, your Kobold general.
Post by: misko27 on June 30, 2012, 09:14:22 pm
Dear Urist McSwordsman,He cant, hes webbed. He'll probably die from thirst unless you intervene.
Why wont you show that GCS who is the boss, when he has killed a doctor and a craft dorf and ate them?
It is trying to eat you too, but your helm is keeping you safe so do something about that spider!
Signed,
The person with problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tolisk on June 30, 2012, 09:28:14 pm
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on June 30, 2012, 10:13:38 pm
Dear elves,Are they be led by a swilight freak or something? I've noticed that it is possible that bizzare creatures, like mole monsters, lead attackers and utterly own the opposing force. Seriously, It gets to the point where everyone BUT the leader of the force dies, and they still win. I imagine that the opponents just run after a hundred or two are killed single-handedly. It gets prety over-powered if it happens early in world-gen, I've seen utterly tiny defenders (5 kobolds, 3 Unicorns, 3 uh( i forgot, some sort of large cat, maybe a jaguar) and a twilight freak) slaughter 1 thousand elves. with 5 losses.
HOW. How did you defeat my kobolds? And not even that, you went onto a 100 year long war. With one army, over and over! Destroying about umm, A ENTIRE GOBLIN CIV. Then you went on to cripple a human civ! How!
Sincerly, your koboldoverseer
Dear kobolds, goblins, and humans
WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ALL THE SUDDEN?
Sincerly, your kobold overseer
The twilight freak is probably a normal person who got turned into a night creature. All records on race get backdated.
Corai: Elves might have wooden weapons, but when you live longer than the trees and screw as fast as rabbis, numbers tend to build up. It's probably thousands of elves and some fuzzy-but-deadly animals versus several hundred kobolds. Also, kobolds lack the most important factor for worldgen combat: Size.
Dear Urist McSwordsman,He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.
Why wont you show that GCS who is the boss, when he has killed a doctor and a craft dorf and ate them?
It is trying to eat you too, but your helm is keeping you safe so do something about that spider!
Signed,
The person with problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Splint on June 30, 2012, 10:15:11 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on June 30, 2012, 10:16:45 pm
and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 30, 2012, 10:23:17 pm
HugoLuman has died of laughter.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on June 30, 2012, 10:35:09 pm
HugoLuman has died of laughter.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.
You're welcome! :D
Post by: Tolisk on July 01, 2012, 01:24:55 am
He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.He was not paralyzed, its the fact that the spider gave up every once and a while and spammed webs then made the dwarf focus on deflecting love bites with his head.
Post by: Reudh on July 01, 2012, 01:29:24 am
Quote
A creature just caught in a web will be considered by the game to be momentarily unconscious, which causes traps to be triggered by creatures normally immune to them.
So basically they lose all their skill rolls while they're fighting to get free of the web.
Post by: Tolisk on July 01, 2012, 03:40:56 am
Being webbed is as good as being paralysed. Pretty much the same effect, iirc.So why did the iron helm block so many pages of combat if being webbed makes his armor skill go down to 0?QuoteA creature just caught in a web will be considered by the game to be momentarily unconscious, which causes traps to be triggered by creatures normally immune to them.
So basically they lose all their skill rolls while they're fighting to get free of the web.
Post by: Reudh on July 01, 2012, 03:46:18 am
Post by: Loud Whispers on July 01, 2012, 03:54:50 am
Because it's the armor stopping it, not necessarily any skill on his part. Having armor user skill just means the user is less encumbered by the armor.Doesn't it also affect the rolls to block?
Post by: Reudh on July 01, 2012, 04:28:52 am
In the case of a webbed dwarf, the only thing deflecting the attack is the material itself, not any skill or luck or tissue behind it.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 01, 2012, 08:02:06 am
...Oops, typo. Very amusing typo, but still.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.
Was he ever bitten, successfully? All those attacks, consistantly to the head, only happens when dwarves are incapacitated.He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.He was not paralyzed, its the fact that the spider gave up every once and a while and spammed webs then made the dwarf focus on deflecting love bites with his head.
Post by: Greiger on July 01, 2012, 10:12:00 am
Its one of the reasons I usually adjust helmets to only provide 90 coverage instead of 100. Makes the go for the head behavior less stupid on critters unable to penetrate armor, because it gives them a 10% chance to ignore it.
Post by: leafbarrett on July 01, 2012, 10:48:05 am
Have fun evaporating, as I am done with your shenanigans.
Sincerely,
An aggravated player with modding skill
Post by: WillowLuman on July 01, 2012, 01:38:17 pm
Yea it's one of the things that bugs me about vanilla helmets. They are 100% coverage. No matter how much it tries, that spider is not going to ever successfully bite to the head, it's got a much better chance on some other bodypart, but when something is incapacitated, webs, KO, or otherwise, attackers will always go for the head, whether they can actually do any damage or not through coverage.Can either be a life-saver or a total bitch in adventure mode. You either buy enough time to recover and kill the spider, or you wind up debilitated and have to starve to death because it's an eternity of sitting around with a spider chewing your metal-encrusted cranium.
Its one of the reasons I usually adjust helmets to only provide 90 coverage instead of 100. Makes the go for the head behavior less stupid on critters unable to penetrate armor, because it gives them a 10% chance to ignore it.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 01, 2012, 01:53:55 pm
Post by: Splint on July 01, 2012, 01:56:08 pm
I know you're hiding out here somewhere..... COME OUT! COME OUT AND DIE LIKE MEN!!!
Which is funny since most of your soldiers seem to be female. But still.
Sighned
The Overseer
Post by: WillowLuman on July 01, 2012, 02:20:39 pm
Stop beating me to death with teacups please. It is very embarrassing.
Sincerely, poor elven adventurer.
Post by: Gamerboy4life on July 01, 2012, 02:32:55 pm
Please grab a weapon. That goddamn centaur is NOT going to die by beating it to death.
Sincerely, the population who cannot do their jobs due to the brawl taking place in the working district.
Post by: Loud Whispers on July 01, 2012, 02:40:01 pm
Web spam does that....Oops, typo. Very amusing typo, but still.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.Was he ever bitten, successfully? All those attacks, consistantly to the head, only happens when dwarves are incapacitated.He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.He was not paralyzed, its the fact that the spider gave up every once and a while and spammed webs then made the dwarf focus on deflecting love bites with his head.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 01, 2012, 03:01:14 pm
Dear my frantically-conscripted worker dorfs...
Please grab a weapon. That goddamn centaur is NOT going to die by beating it to death.
Sincerely, the population who cannot do their jobs due to the brawl taking place in the working district.
So you modded them to be real? Or are they just scared by a really realistic engraving?
Post by: Splint on July 01, 2012, 03:06:05 pm
You have a sword for a reason. While I understand Girlinhat made a nice cedar shield, that's no excuse to dawdle beating the thing with it.
Do your damn job right, and for god's sake, spit that damn leg out! Ellzo is a 104 year old woman, who happens to murder things for a living, but even she thinks walking around with a grasshopper man's leg in your mouth is wrong.
Sighned, The overseer.
Post by: Loud Whispers on July 01, 2012, 03:12:34 pm
Dear my frantically-conscripted worker dorfs...
Please grab a weapon. That goddamn centaur is NOT going to die by beating it to death.
Sincerely, the population who cannot do their jobs due to the brawl taking place in the working district.
So you modded them to be real? Or are they just scared by a really realistic engraving?
From his other thread, masterwork mod I believe, where his centaur friend is deciding not dying is a good thing to do.
Post by: Gamerboy4life on July 01, 2012, 05:26:24 pm
Dear my frantically-conscripted worker dorfs...
Please grab a weapon. That goddamn centaur is NOT going to die by beating it to death.
Sincerely, the population who cannot do their jobs due to the brawl taking place in the working district.
So you modded them to be real? Or are they just scared by a really realistic engraving?
Masterwork mod. Adds a shitton of stuff to the game, including annoying fucking centaurs.
Post by: Eric Blank on July 01, 2012, 07:03:00 pm
I know, I'm a pitiful little harpy adventurer with no useful skills and no hope of ever accomplishign anything. But is that really an excuse to make it your life's goal to murder me twenty ways to Tuesday and desecrate my corpse? I don't think so. Stop killing me so i don't have to reverse the flow of time and can actually make it to this fortress. Please?
Sincerely, Vuca Kixiithbi, Harpy adventurer.
Post by: WillowLuman on July 01, 2012, 07:09:33 pm
Thank you for your amazing creations. The infinite bounty of small rocks that you bless this ground with has saved my life three times now. With them I can create sharp projectiles, or throw them as-is, and survive any ambush or enemy who meets me out of doors. Without your supurb craftsmanship of these, the finest ranged-weapons about, many hapless wanderers would surely have met their fates at the hands of vicious beasts. You are truly a helper of the meek and the underdog. It is just a pity that you are prevented from blessing this glacier with your benevolence.
Sincerely, Ilahaoe, the crippled Elven adventurer.
Post by: Eric Blank on July 01, 2012, 07:28:14 pm
WHYYYYYYyyyy!?!?
Sincerely, the now-deceased Vuca kixiithbi, Harpy adventurer.
P.s; I'll be back.
Post by: INSANEcyborg on July 02, 2012, 07:58:20 am
For future reference, DO NOT stand where the wall is supposed to be built, and complain that something (you) is in the way. DO NOT fall asleep on spot, preventing others from completing the wall for you. And above all, DO NOT do the above while there's an 80 goblin 80 beak dog 8 troll siege. Thank Armok that I didn't want to deal with your corpse, and that it was easier to expand the wall so that you were inside. Had you been awake, you would have noticed that your comrades finished the wall right before the first squads arrived.
P.S. You may have noticed your new nickname, "Sleepy moron". That's permanent.
Post by: Flying Fortress on July 02, 2012, 08:30:19 am
Take a look at this wall, it says "Pop Cap: 0" on it. What part of "0" do you not understand? We at Fightsack are trying to make an aesthetically pleasing fort for our dwarves to live in, but we can't focus on that when you send us 30+ mouths to feed. Please take your useless migrants and throw them down the nearest volcano as an offering to Armok.
Signed, Your
Dear Migrants that managed to sneak in
Report to the magma hall and start melting some of the 30,000+ magnetite the miners are working on digging out.
Signed, Your Overseer
Dear Kobolds
Please, just stay away, we're tired of chasing you off our lawn every day. Next time we might just make it a !!Lawn!! ;)
Post by: Syuviel on July 02, 2012, 02:35:50 pm
It is with consternation that i write this letter. Despite having told you multiple times that we here at Merchantsacks cannot accomodate more than 200 dwarves, you have continued to send us more and more dwarves. Not particularly useful ones either. Our population is now roughly 310, 50 of which have now been sent to the Holey Magma Temple, as a sacrifice to Armok.
If this behavior continues, we may retaliate and cut off your endless supply of stone mugs, and further sacrifice of useless migrants.
Post by: Corai on July 02, 2012, 02:39:09 pm
Dear Kobolds
Please, just stay away, we're tired of chasing you off our lawn every day. Next time we might just make it a !!Lawn!! ;)
Never.
Love, your favorite thief.
Post by: Loud Whispers on July 02, 2012, 02:41:14 pm
Where are your goblin friends? After the
Yours faithfully,
~Overseer.
Post by: tahujdt on July 02, 2012, 02:47:09 pm
Dear Corai,Dear Kobolds
Please, just stay away, we're tired of chasing you off our lawn every day. Next time we might just make it a !!Lawn!! ;)
Never.
Love, your favorite thief.
Please note the watchtowers every twenty urists or so around the outer wall. Please also note the marksdwarves stationed inside said towers. Please also notice the rotting kobold skeletons around said towers. Please note, in addition, that we have nothing of value stockpiled anywhere near the surface. In conclusion, please also note that the bolt sticking out of your leg that this letter is attached to is not even worth stealing.
Sincerely, the digbeard wielding a crossbow.
Post by: Gamerboy4life on July 02, 2012, 06:35:01 pm
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
Post by: Monk321654 on July 02, 2012, 08:53:18 pm
Dear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
Post by: WillowLuman on July 02, 2012, 09:59:55 pm
Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
This is, in fact, one of the bins that YOU SOLD US LAST YEAR. Kindly Consider Logic of brain and pitchfork up ass
Post by: misko27 on July 02, 2012, 10:36:38 pm
Can you prove it? Do you have a god-damned receipt? I thought not.Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
This is, in fact, one of the bins that YOU SOLD US LAST YEAR. Kindly Consider Logic of brain and pitchfork up ass
Post by: WillowLuman on July 02, 2012, 10:44:29 pm
Dear Fertilizer,Can you prove it? Do you have a god-damned receipt? I thought not.Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
This is, in fact, one of the bins that YOU SOLD US LAST YEAR. Kindly Consider Logic of brain and pitchfork up ass
If you can't be arsed to tell the difference between your own craftsmanship and a foreign one, what the hell are you doing trading? Obviously you have absolutely no skill for appraising things. Say, are you as flamable as your beloved trees? We have ways of finding out.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 02, 2012, 10:48:17 pm
Dear Snugbo,We're still at the party I started back on page 251. Want to join? Bring your own refreshments, we're almost out. (You might want to bring some elves, too, so the dragons don't mistake YOU for refreshments.)
Where are your goblin friends? After thesudden deathretirement of your ambush parties you seem reluctant to donate metal to Silentthunders. What's the wait?
Yours faithfully,
~Overseer.
Sincerely,
Snugbo, newly appointed Head of Parties.
Dear elves,Can you prove it? Do you have a god-damned receipt? I thought not.Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
This is, in fact, one of the bins that YOU SOLD US LAST YEAR. Kindly Consider Logic of brain and pitchfork up ass
You wouldn't give us one because of how many trees are killed to make paper.
Sincerely,
Dwarf McAccountant.
P.S. You could always try the eco-friendly "Stone Slabs" receipts we dwarves have.
Post by: Silent_Thunder on July 02, 2012, 11:29:51 pm
Dear Snugbo,
Where are your goblin friends? After thesudden deathretirement of your ambush parties you seem reluctant to donate metal to Silentthunders. What's the wait?
Yours faithfully,
~Overseer.
Woah what? I would request you donate that fort to me. For obvious reasons.
Post by: Hanslanda on July 03, 2012, 12:25:36 am
Dear Hanslanda the human soldier
You have a sword for a reason. While I understand Girlinhat made a nice cedar shield, that's no excuse to dawdle beating the thing with it.
Do your damn job right, and for god's sake, spit that damn leg out! Ellzo is a 104 year old woman, who happens to murder things for a living, but even she thinks walking around with a grasshopper man's leg in your mouth is wrong.
Sighned, The overseer.
Dear Overseer,
Mmmphhm mmmph. Hmmph hmm hmm hmph.
Signed, Hanslanda
P.S. I like the shield more. The spatter of brain matter on the sworls of the wood is pleasing to me.
Post by: Corai on July 03, 2012, 12:33:44 am
Thank you for letting that rhino chase you while the important dwarves escaped underground. Hopefully the soldiers reach you in time.
Love, your kobold overseer.
Post by: Syuviel on July 03, 2012, 11:47:55 am
I've noticed that you have ceased bringing me tameable creatures of any use, and instead have begun bringing me giant cockroaches. this has been going on for three years now, and you're holding up the growth of my military might. You have two years to bring me a breeding pair of animals that can be drafted into my military, before i begin using you to test the danger room I'm constructing.
Love, the impatient management of Merchantsacks.
Post by: Loud Whispers on July 03, 2012, 02:13:47 pm
Woah what? I would request you donate that fort to me. For obvious reasons.It's undergoing a quasi-secret not so well kept megaproject, which is why for now, no save shall be released sadly.
Post by: Firehawk45 on July 03, 2012, 02:20:42 pm
You have been attacking my fort for quite some time now. As you might have seen, the entrance to my Fort is defended by three really grim looking golems, which you cant kill by punching them, they will punch back, and that hurts.
You may have also noticed that there are no remains of your previous attacks. What can i say, my dwarfs picked up a certain liking for your flesh and your inards, and the merchants like the crafts made from your bones. Not to speak of your blood, which gets sacrificed to Armok, who gives me nice things for it.
So, by all means, continue.
Firehawk, Ruler of the Masterwork Fortress "Townswound"
Dear Goblins,
Where are you? I havent seen you for quite some time now.... In fact, not at all in this fortress. And i thought you enjoyed our partys?
Post by: Syuviel on July 05, 2012, 10:54:58 am
I realize that giant, scaled, firebreathing, goat deities are scary, however this one is a diplomat from the human civilization, and I'd like not to piss off the hoomans until i have a good set of war animals.
Dear Hooman civilization,
Why? why everything. Why did your caravan come with nothing but cheese, anvils, sand, and clay? Why did you bring a terrifying goatgod with you? Why did you insist on taking your wagons the long way around to get inside?
~The perpetually irritated voice in the sky.
Post by: misko27 on July 05, 2012, 12:07:00 pm
Dear Hooman civilization,Dear Irritated voice,
Why? why everything. Why did your caravan come with nothing but cheese, anvils, sand, and clay? Why did you bring a terrifying goatgod with you? Why did you insist on taking your wagons the long way around to get inside?
~The perpetually irritated voice in the sky.
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on July 05, 2012, 12:59:04 pm
Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
Post by: tahujdt on July 05, 2012, 01:32:08 pm
How do we know that you aren't tricking us into thinking that it was a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 05, 2012, 01:34:26 pm
How do we know that you aren't tricking us into thinking that it was a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
So it's Schrodinger's god?
Post by: WillowLuman on July 05, 2012, 03:35:34 pm
(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/199/693/disgusted-mother-of-god.png?1321272571)How do we know that you aren't tricking us into thinking that it was a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
So it's Schrodinger's god?
Post by: Syuviel on July 05, 2012, 03:45:21 pm
Dear Hoomans,Dear Hooman civilization,Dear Irritated voice,
Why? why everything. Why did your caravan come with nothing but cheese, anvils, sand, and clay? Why did you bring a terrifying goatgod with you? Why did you insist on taking your wagons the long way around to get inside?
~The perpetually irritated voice in the sky.
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
I'm trying to stay in good regards with you, due mostly to your habit of bringing shiny metal toys that i can melt down, and animals to join my military. however, when the most valuable thing you bring me is cheese, I may have to rethink our current trading arrangement in preference of something with more weight to it. [Translated: I'll drop a mountain on you.]
~ Love and Kisses, The Voice.
((also thanks for the tip, but it did little to reassure the 12 militiadwarves that died trying to kill it. thank armok for save-scumming.))
Post by: Zecro_The_Scourge on July 06, 2012, 06:35:14 am
Post by: Broseph Stalin on July 06, 2012, 07:00:19 am
Dear urist, when I have you build a moat I expect you to not somehow fall under a collapsing roof or cause the roof to collapse on other dwarves.The problem here is that your expectations are too high.
Post by: Syuviel on July 06, 2012, 11:09:42 am
We're having quite enough fun here right now thank you, and we definitely don't need you wandering around harassing dorfs in our crafthalls. Especially while they are trying to engrave a slab to appease you. NOW SOD OFF.
~The Voice.
Post by: krenshala on July 06, 2012, 02:16:34 pm
As was the roof ...Dear urist, when I have you build a moat I expect you to not somehow fall under a collapsing roof or cause the roof to collapse on other dwarves.The problem here is that your expectations are too high.
Post by: TheDarkStar on July 06, 2012, 03:00:57 pm
WHY did you walk straight into the channal with lava at the bottom, even though you knew excactly what was there and had plenty of other places to stand?
Post by: Syuviel on July 06, 2012, 03:15:52 pm
Dear Urist McSuicidal,Dear Avatar of Armok,
WHY did you walk straight into the channal with lava at the bottom, even though you knew excactly what was there and had plenty of other places to stand?
He must have had cold feet. I'll tell the boys to make Slade shoes.
~The Mayor
Post by: Frontestro on July 06, 2012, 03:34:13 pm
While I appreciate the fact that you appear to like native gold and bolts as the only things you chose to mandate of which I have plenty of both I do not like the fact that you have drained enough blood from my fortress to please Armok two times over and still havn't killed anyone so I can't pin any murders on you. Not to mention the fact that not once but twice you have prevented me from trading anything to the incoming carivans by preventing the export of bolts when I have hundreds left over from the last seige and the other time earrings which appears to be the only thing my crafts dwarfs want to make. I hope you find your new abode. (A 4x4 room with a pump leaver) Accommodating as you shall be in here for the rest of your unnatural life.
Sincerely yours, The Overseer
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 06, 2012, 03:53:41 pm
We have no need of your potash-making, soaping, and farming skills. As such, you have only two options. Become skilled in another skill, preferably mining, masonry, alchemy, or carpentry, or sign up for DRoom1, when it is finished. I give you the choice. Be useful, or be wiped
Signed, your loving overseer : D
Post by: krenshala on July 06, 2012, 05:58:54 pm
Dear Urist McObviousVampireMayor,I would think a vampire mayor that doesn't kill his
While I appreciate the fact that you appear to like native gold and bolts as the only things you chose to mandate of which I have plenty of both I do not like the fact that you have drained enough blood from my fortress to please Armok two times over and still havn't killed anyone so I can't pin any murders on you. Not to mention the fact that not once but twice you have prevented me from trading anything to the incoming carivans by preventing the export of bolts when I have hundreds left over from the last seige and the other time earrings which appears to be the only thing my crafts dwarfs want to make. I hope you find your new abode. (A 4x4 room with a pump leaver) Accommodating as you shall be in here for the rest of your unnatural life.
Sincerely yours, The Overseer
And you can still export bolts. You are just more limited in who or, more importantly, how you export them. (Marksdwarves! Ready! Aim! ...)
Post by: krenshala on July 06, 2012, 10:23:56 pm
Did you really have to stop the wagon immediately next to the river, and right next to the only alligator on the map on my first try embarking with ore and stone, instead of picks and axes? *Sigh* At least you take pleasure in bringing water to Fikod since she can't walk on that foot anymore.
T.I.V.P.Y.W.A.C.
That Invisible Voice Providing You With Advice and Council
Dear Bitch,
Your puppies will be honored in our fortress, and will (I hope) guard the dwarves as well as you did on 1 Granite, 1000 when you bravely attacked the alligator that had just ripped the stomach out of our other bitch, and mauled one of the llamas, not to mention attempting to bite off Fikod's left foot. The dog was over by the wagon looking for a snack, so I'm considering chaining him up near the entrance as bait for whatever attacks us next. You and your line, however, will be receiving the best combat training we can provide to ensure you continue your wonderful service to our fort.
T.I.V.P.Y.W.S.A.
That Invisible Voice Providing You With Snacks and Attention
Post by: Eric Blank on July 08, 2012, 12:12:14 pm
Stop finding new ways to kill yourselves and then complaining when someone else "helps" you with your suicidal rampage.
Sincerely, Overseer of this pitiful hole in the ground.
Dear marsh titan,
That's not even fair! Your description says to beware the poisonous bite, it didn't say anything about the webs! :o
Sincerely, the stunned and confused Overseer that is in way over his head this time around.
P.s. I'll be back. With weapons.
Dear mage-in-ambush,
Just go away. I know you're trying to help by casting divine blessings all over the place like some sort of psychopriest, but right now I don't think the dwarves would appreciate it nearly as much as you think. Infact, the guard dogs will murder the crap out of you.
Sincerely, Overseer of
Post by: Syuviel on July 09, 2012, 10:05:46 am
I realize that you're hungry. In my expert opinion, that means you should fish more. Instead what you're doing is going around and canceling your fishing jobs to throw tantrums and hunt for vermin. cut it out.
~~~
Dear farmers,
That enraged donkey is trapped, it cannot get you, stop canceling your farming jobs to run in terror.
~~~
Dear Militiadwarves,
Thank you for not going berserk, swiftly killing the dwarves who do, and finally killing that armokforsaken donkey. I have just one simple question. Why are you all wrestlers? i made nice silver axes and iron armor for all of you, i'm sure you would rather put your friends out of their misery quickly and cleanly rather than tearing them limb from limb with your teeth.
With love, The alternately pleased, frustrated, and horrified voice in the sky
Post by: Monk321654 on July 09, 2012, 10:52:07 am
Dear Militiadwarves,
Thank you for not going berserk, swiftly killing the dwarves who do, and finally killing that armokforsaken donkey. I have just one simple question. Why are you all wrestlers? i made nice silver axes and iron armor for all of you, i'm sure you would rather put your friends out of their misery quickly and cleanly rather than tearing them limb from limb with your teeth.
With love, The alternately pleased, frustrated, and horrified voice in the sky
Dear Voice in the Sky,
What the hell is wrong with you? SILVER AXES?! Silver is a terrible cutting metal! Honestly, we'd rather get chunks of soaper in our teeth then use those unwieldy things.
Sincerely, the Militia
Post by: Syuviel on July 09, 2012, 05:12:08 pm
Desperation. I had to use up all my iron making sure you lot didn't get killed in your desperate desire to wrestle with anything that moves.
Dear Militiadwarves,
Thank you for not going berserk, swiftly killing the dwarves who do, and finally killing that armokforsaken donkey. I have just one simple question. Why are you all wrestlers? i made nice silver axes and iron armor for all of you, i'm sure you would rather put your friends out of their misery quickly and cleanly rather than tearing them limb from limb with your teeth.
With love, The alternately pleased, frustrated, and horrified voice in the sky
Dear Voice in the Sky,
What the hell is wrong with you? SILVER AXES?! Silver is a terrible cutting metal! Honestly, we'd rather get chunks of soaper in our teeth then use those unwieldy things.
Sincerely, the Militia
Post by: Togre on July 09, 2012, 06:27:11 pm
You are holding a ☼ironspear☼. You are skilled in use of said ☼ironspear☼. You are fighting a friggin' Giantess. So, please, for the love all that is bearded and unwashed, use your blasted spear and STOP PUNCHING THE GAL. It would serve you right to get your arms torn off.
Sincerely,
Your not-amused overseer.
Post by: Facekillz058 on July 09, 2012, 10:03:08 pm
Stop killing your friends with the catapult just to throw a little fit about it later. Its getting annoying, to be honest, im thinking of having the catapult broken, just because of you.
Also, shouldnt you be farming? We seem to be under 300 units of Plant.
Dear Urist McWaxxer,
I told you to smelt ore, because our metalsmith does it at an incredible rate of one ore a week. We have two magma forges, all your other labors are disabled, and yet, you just stand there.
Dear Urist McDumbass
You managed to get INTO that workshop, why can't you get back out again? Thanks to you, i had to have a tunnel dug to get your corpses. Be glad the only thing i have to do with all our fricken gold is to make sarcophagus's, Otherwise, i'd throw you into the volcano. And what the hell, you just got married, and you're 163 goddamn years old. Can you even breath anymore!?
Dear UristMcMountainHomeOverseer,
Stop sending waxxers my way, i have about 16 thanks to you.
Post by: Chimpanzee on July 10, 2012, 02:49:51 am
I thought I've told you to stop going through the drainage tunnel instead of going around it, and even then I've found your rotting corpse lying in the mud! This is horrible, a good example of the weird behavior of the dwarven kind.
Spoiler: I'm disappointed (click to show/hide)
EDIT:
Dear Mason, Gem Setter, Baby and Liaison:
I've never thought you'd prefer to take a restricted path to a high-priority path. Stop crawling through the sewers. You've added enough to the rot.
SECOND EDIT:
Dear Horde of Dwarves,
We finally advanced in the construction of the base of the tower and we are removing the floors under the pumps. And don't you fear that the dwarf behind you will destroy the floor you're standing on and you'll fall into the river?
(http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/1066/straightlineofsuicidald.png) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/267/straightlineofsuicidald.png/)
The result of this was the opposite of obvious. In fact, I let the dwarves do their own instead of cancelling the destruction, out of curiosity and desire for some FUN. Instead of falling into the river they've decided to move out of the way because of dangerous terrain! I was disappointed and frustrated by the lack of Fun, so you won't say I wasn't.
Dear Blacksmith,
I told you to build some lead walls for my first megaproject ever, and you've suspended the construction because the tile was temporarily occupied by a small pool of water! And now you're on break, hanging around in the meeting hall, drinking booze and sleeping all the day, instead of erecting a great lead tower from the middle of the broad river to make the mountainhomes proud.
Dear
It's your problem that you all prefer to stick together in the northwest of the pasture I've made for you and trample all grass there, and instead of enjoying the healthy, dense grass in the southeast of the pasture you start fighting and kicking each other's teeth!
Yours sincerely,
Logem "Chimpanzee" Komannish, Overseer of Whipbrush, the first member of the Artifact of Perplexing, a dwarven group, and one of the founders of the dwarven village of Bomreknosing, "Whipbrush".
Post by: lazygun on July 10, 2012, 04:58:11 am
Blue metal thread goes into the thread stockpile next to the strand extractor's workshop down in the forge area. Pigtail thread goes into the thread stockpile up in the farming area. Please try not to mix them up! I don't want my industries to shut down while I wait for a dwarf to go all the way downstairs, pick up a bin, carry it all the way upstairs, fill the bin with thread, and carry it all the way back downstairs.
Yours,
that voice in your heads
Post by: Syuviel on July 11, 2012, 02:18:27 pm
I have built a magma pump stack, and will no longer be tolerating your hippie shenanigans. You will give me your food and booze, then you will leave. Further lingering, chatting, harassing, milling, wandering, or sieging will be met with Magma.
~The Voice
~~~~~~~~~
Dear Farmer Union,
there are 8 of you. There are 8 full sized farm plots, all of which are scheduled for plump helmet production. There are more than 300 plump helmet spawn. THERE IS NO REASON FOR ALL 8 OF YOU TO BE ON BREAK.
~The Voice.
P.S. The Magma isn't just for elves.
P.P.S. We're almost out of booze, too, so get to it.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 11, 2012, 03:06:10 pm
I have 9 full grown sheep. I will, occassionally, tell you to go shear five of them. About once a season. Their wool grows back in two months, that's 3 months. If you can't find 5! sheep to shear out of the 9 when they're all fully grown, one of us is blind. Most likely you. However, that would have been an improvement, if you were blind you'd go out there, pet them, and KNOW there was some wool!
Dear Urist McRocksmacker,
I can appreciate your love of marble, however, your orders are supposed to be in LIFO stack. Now, that means, when I tell you to cut me a new pantry for the farms so I can try to organize seed usage a little better, I really don't want you to continue cutting out the massive chunk of marble I told you to a long time ago. Git up here and fix this.
.. and speaking of that seed pantry...
Urist McFarmboy,
Yes, I know, Urist just ran off with your seed bin. There's FOUR MORE BINS of seeds... RIGHT THERE. Use that one. Yeesh.
Post by: Xvareon on July 11, 2012, 03:17:51 pm
The entire Goblin ambush happily ran into our cage traps, with the exception of a few archers that hightailed it out of there. There are dozens of cages to be transported and a horde of traders at the Depot to satisfy... and you are holding up the entire operation because of ONE. PIKEMAN. IN THE MOAT. Stop being such a pansy and HAUL ME SOME F***ING CAGES!!!!
Sincerely yours,
Keeper of the Big Red
Post by: Xerillum on July 11, 2012, 04:40:47 pm
I understand that some of you may have some... unorthodox combat skills. However that does not mean you can attack a goblin ambush by biting. I gave you all silver war hammers for a reason, please use them.
Overseer
Post by: misko27 on July 11, 2012, 06:06:21 pm
How Can we be expected to destroy all that delicious looking flesh? Besides, all the hammers would do is tenderize them, and I like my meat tough.
Recruits
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 11, 2012, 06:35:47 pm
Dear overseer,
How Can we be expected to destroy all that delicious looking flesh? Besides, all the hammers would do is tenderize them, and I like my meat tough.
Recruits
Elven spies. Do what you wish with them, preferably magmatically.
Post by: WillowLuman on July 11, 2012, 06:39:52 pm
Post by: krenshala on July 11, 2012, 06:42:25 pm
Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!... something fishy with this one ...
Post by: misko27 on July 11, 2012, 10:45:04 pm
Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!Turning enemies into were carp is like giving your enemies a army of large invisible trained mosquitos. It is going to bite you in the ass eventually, and when it does, it is going to Hurt!!
Post by: WillowLuman on July 11, 2012, 11:10:49 pm
Unless everyone, dwarves and gobbos, gets infected. Then all will be united under the full moon, creating an invincible army. Mwahahahahahaha!Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!Turning enemies into were carp is like giving your enemies a army of large invisible trained mosquitos. It is going to bite you in the ass eventually, and when it does, it is going to Hurt!!
Post by: Corai on July 11, 2012, 11:11:36 pm
Unless everyone, dwarves and gobbos, gets infected. Then all will be united under the full moon, creating an invincible army. Mwahahahahahaha!Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!Turning enemies into were carp is like giving your enemies a army of large invisible trained mosquitos. It is going to bite you in the ass eventually, and when it does, it is going to Hurt!!
Then turn back 2 seconds later. Naked and unarmed.
Post by: Eric Blank on July 12, 2012, 01:16:38 am
Post by: Syuviel on July 12, 2012, 10:29:39 am
I'm impressed. When you got moody, and took over a crafting station, i expected another worthless mug. When you took a ton of wood, leather, gems and a couple bones, i expected a shitty, overly complex medallion.
Instead you took the two donkey bones and made a cabinet, which is handy because the mayor really wanted an office that i was otherwise unprepared to grant.
~~~~~
Dear Elves,
You are mistaken, that is donkey bone, not wood. It was never a tree, it is not a rude bauble, and as i'm sure you are aware, donkey's aren't animals, either. They are mobile quantum storage units, and as such, their bones should be perfectly acceptable.
you may notice that i have installed Ballistae on two sides of the trade depot. This is a precautionary measure, and not in any way to be used to quickly dispatch your finicky merchants.
Post by: Togre on July 12, 2012, 05:51:13 pm
While I am generally not a fan of soldiers using their hands instead of their weapons, I must admit to being impressed when you punched the beak off a buzzard. :o Carry on.
Sincerely,
Your astounded overseer
Post by: EckyThump on July 12, 2012, 07:08:30 pm
Please stop wandering off with the farmers' seed bags. Your hands are large enough to accommodate more than one plump helmet seed without needing to take a bag with you to the dining hall. Our fortress is home to some of the most renowned craftsmen, artists and soldiers of the dwarven nation. Nobody is impressed that you can lift a bag of seeds.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: misko27 on July 13, 2012, 12:02:41 am
Dear Urist McHauler,Dear overseer,
Please stop wandering off with the farmers' seed bags. Your hands are large enough to accommodate more than one plump helmet seed without needing to take a bag with you to the dining hall. Our fortress is home to some of the most renowned craftsmen, artists and soldiers of the dwarven nation. Nobody is impressed that you can lift a bag of seeds.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Well, It's mostly trying to find a way to waste more time and effort. your so mean, making me work, and in order for me to help out I need time napping and drinking. With you being all strict, I gotta make time, you know?
Post by: Firehawk45 on July 13, 2012, 11:13:47 am
And at that point the dwarves would wipe out all goblin-dom, with their superior biting and wrestling skills.
We have not just weaponized werecurses, have we?
Post by: WillowLuman on July 13, 2012, 11:36:23 am
Pffft, they were weaponized long ago.And at that point the dwarves would wipe out all goblin-dom, with their superior biting and wrestling skills.
We have not just weaponized werecurses, have we?
Post by: Syuviel on July 13, 2012, 11:37:37 am
What do you want? I've entombed every entombable thing on the map, and your name isn't on my list of names available for engravement, please stop following my farmers around like a creepster. I appreciate that you aren't violent, but you're weirding out the people who are responsible for feeding my fort.
Post by: Joben on July 13, 2012, 12:35:48 pm
------------
Dear Urist McSpeardwarf
While I applaud your bravery and desire to defend the fort I do wish you had remained on station at the trade depot until the rest of your squad had assembled rather than rushing out to face the 12 goblin crossbowmen alone.
Post by: Frontestro on July 13, 2012, 02:18:31 pm
While I appreciate your dedication to a task, depositing that chunk of tetrahedrite ore in a stone stockpile was not as important as you thought especially because you had to walk all the way out of the fortress to get it and drag it halfway cross the map while ungathered pieces are merely 1 floor below you. You were doing great but when I told you to get to a burrow and everyone else listened you remainded detirmined to get that ore where it was needed. As such the crossbow goblin siege caught you off guard. I hope Armok enjoys your sacrifice and dedication to a task. Please enjoy your useless coffin I used to level up my masons.
Sincerely, The All-seer
Post by: HoshiGiniro on July 14, 2012, 04:44:26 am
I can understand one's desire to be proficient in their profession. However, repeatedly breaking arrows on a defenseless cow that has fallen unconscious in the field is not only a waste of perfectly good arrows, but a highly inefficient training method. Next time you feel the need to improve your aim, might I remind you to only use the facilities at the archery range that have been tested and pre-approved by the Dwarven Archery Standards Association.
Sincerely
Post by: WanderingKid on July 14, 2012, 05:46:15 am
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Post by: Firehawk45 on July 14, 2012, 06:21:25 am
Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?
Your Hunters.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 14, 2012, 06:59:36 am
Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?
Your Hunters.
Dear Hunters...
A) Because you're morons and half the time you go hunting you do it without your ammo!
B) Because I hooked you up as a military unit and told you to always wear your armor. Why are you wearing those socks instead of these nice leather high boots?
C) Because there's a frickin' Ogre down there!
- Your exasperated overlord!
(On a side note, apparently I have no idea how to properly get cages back to animal storage. Still working that one out.)
Post by: Firehawk45 on July 14, 2012, 09:04:00 am
Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?
Your Hunters.
Dear Hunters...
A) Because you're morons and half the time you go hunting you do it without your ammo!
B) Because I hooked you up as a military unit and told you to always wear your armor. Why are you wearing those socks instead of these nice leather high boots?
C) Because there's a frickin' Ogre down there!
- Your exasperated overlord!
(On a side note, apparently I have no idea how to properly get cages back to animal storage. Still working that one out.)
Dear Overseer,
A, you dont provide us with ammo, but we are still told to hunt, so we do it.
B, Socks are warm, Leather is cold. Its easy to understand, even for a bloody noble like you.
C, We want to hunt it, thats our job.
Your Hunters.
Post by: Zecro_The_Scourge on July 14, 2012, 09:32:28 am
Your god.
Post by: Renommer on July 14, 2012, 09:08:46 pm
Please do everyone a favor and jump off the ledge you're standing by in to the river. That door is not going to open any time soon and you're disturbing daily life and practically all construction projects.
Your Overseer
Post by: Xerillum on July 14, 2012, 11:29:42 pm
Thank you for showing initiative in dealing with the goblin snatcher attack. Even though you are only 2 years old, you were able to kill the assailant with a single punch to the head. Good Job.
The Overseer.
Post by: Mimodo on July 15, 2012, 02:34:47 am
You have a stockpile of quality ammunition sitting right next to the archery range, you do not need to run all the way to the magma forges to collect more ammo
Sincerely,
The one who is always watching you while you sleep
Post by: a_mist_wolf on July 15, 2012, 09:17:34 am
You may have noticed on the journey to our new little fort that you were a bit different than the other six dwarves tapped for this expedition. While they were farmers, crafters, miners, and smiths, you alone were a military dwarf. You had two very specific skills:
1. kill things with a spear
2. teach others to kill things with a spear
Now for six months you performed admirably. There was no call for you to practice your craft, but you did every menial task I asked of you, despite having no skill to speak of in any of them. You mined, chopped, hauled, and gathered without complaint. Finally the day came you had been waiting for - we began forging weapons and armor. Now you could prove your true worth to our fledgling fortress as the core of our future military!
So when I started getting reports that dwarves were abandoning their tasks and fleeing in terror from a kangaroo on the surface, I saw a simple solution: "Hey Urist, grab one of those new spears and kill that kangaroo!" Somehow you skipped the first part of the order and went straight to the second.
By opting to start a fistfight with an territorial animal half again your size, you failed utterly as a Speardwarf. However, you met with some success as a Teacher, as we all now know that kangaroos kick hard enough to crush the skull of an unarmed and unarmored dwarf.
Sincerely,
Your Invisible Overlord
Post by: Eric Blank on July 15, 2012, 10:37:57 am
From my previous experience in the military, I must say that it is most unwise to ask a soldier to go kill something when they have been off-duty. If you do so, they will not have their equipment ready, and an army of hundreds may line up one-at-a-time to get their heads lopped off instead of marching in unison.
Please refrain from giving kill or station orders that would ask the militia to engage the enemy prematurely. DO ask them to station at a reasonably safe location, still forward of civilian fallback points, and allow the squad to grab their gear and form up before asking them to engage the enemy. This way, they will usually engage with most of their gear, and most of the squad will be present for the fight, instead of trickling in one-at-a-time and unarmed and unarmored.
Sincerely, Urist McSpeardwarf, well-trained military advisor you hired to teach people how to fight.
This is actually a very serious problem I've run into a lot. Tired of losing military dwarves, and realizing they are unable to plan ahead, I opted to do the planning ahead and have them form up before giving them orders to roll out. Yes, it increases response time and you could lose a few civies and let the enemy get close before the engagement, but it increases effectiveness and decreases casualties incurred during the actual fight.
Post by: Jake on July 15, 2012, 04:50:37 pm
This is actually a very serious problem I've run into a lot. Tired of losing military dwarves, and realizing they are unable to plan ahead, I opted to do the planning ahead and have them form up before giving them orders to roll out. Yes, it increases response time and you could lose a few civies and let the enemy get close before the engagement, but it increases effectiveness and decreases casualties incurred during the actual fight.You might also try keeping a squad stationed near the main entrance to the fortress at all times. I tend to form twelve squads of marksdwarves and give them one month of training followed by one month of sentry duty. A few strategically-placed weapon traps can help buy time as well.
Post by: Oaktree on July 16, 2012, 12:32:33 am
Yes, you and your steel armor have been kicking armor all around the fortress for three years now. However, a goblin has just pointed out that at close range a crossbow bolt *will* penetrate that helm and scramble your brain. So, a few pieces of advice for the next life:
1. If your two dwarf squad splits up while mopping up stragglers do not ignore an order to rally. Otherwise, you end up trying to take on five crossbow goblins single-handed and risk the chance of a flank shot hitting your hand and making you drop your axe.
2. Speaking of said axe. We note that you have ignored repeated orders to upgrade from that iron relic to something made here in the fortress. Perhaps better quality construction out of steel... or this wonderful blue metal the miners discovered a vein of. We note from your last combat log that multiple axe strikes failed to penetrate the crossbow goblin's iron mail. If you had used better quality weaponry like we asked you we think you might have possibly prevailed in that 5-on-1 skirmish you insisted in trying to fight.
3. Yes, yes, you did kill three of them and wound a fourth. But you're dead and Legendary Axe dwarves are not that easily generated here. We will try though.
We look forward to inscribing something appropriate on your tomb.
Post by: Mimodo on July 16, 2012, 08:46:09 am
Dear Urist McAxeLord (deceased)
Yes, you and your steel armor have been kicking armor all around the fortress for three years now. However, a goblin has just pointed out that at close range a crossbow bolt *will* penetrate that helm and scramble your brain. So, a few pieces of advice for the next life:
1. If your two dwarf squad splits up while mopping up stragglers do not ignore an order to rally. Otherwise, you end up trying to take on five crossbow goblins single-handed and risk the chance of a flank shot hitting your hand and making you drop your axe.
...
The number of times I've experienced number 1.
"Hey, Marksdwarf! You're out of ammunition, go get some more. No, don't run at him, he's fully armoured, and you've got leather and a crossbow. Dammit, I've stationed you inside, GO INSIDE!"
*Urist McMarksdwarf has been struck down*
Post by: Firehawk45 on July 16, 2012, 01:40:39 pm
This is actually a very serious problem I've run into a lot. Tired of losing military dwarves, and realizing they are unable to plan ahead, I opted to do the planning ahead and have them form up before giving them orders to roll out. Yes, it increases response time and you could lose a few civies and let the enemy get close before the engagement, but it increases effectiveness and decreases casualties incurred during the actual fight.You might also try keeping a squad stationed near the main entrance to the fortress at all times. I tend to form twelve squads of marksdwarves and give them one month of training followed by one month of sentry duty. A few strategically-placed weapon traps can help buy time as well.
Althought this is off topic (topic? At Bay12?), i just keep my military squads training all time and have a "defend burrow" order ready for the case of greenskinned goodiness. This way, they keep their armour and weapons on and dont rush into their slayers.
Post by: Jake on July 16, 2012, 03:10:07 pm
The number of times I've experienced number 1.If you can't make sure your marksdwarves can't path to the enemy at all, try modding crossbows to be more useful as a melee weapon. I ended up giving them a bayonet.
"Hey, Marksdwarf! You're out of ammunition, go get some more. No, don't run at him, he's fully armoured, and you've got leather and a crossbow. Dammit, I've stationed you inside, GO INSIDE!"
*Urist McMarksdwarf has been struck down*
Post by: WaffleEggnog on July 18, 2012, 12:56:22 am
Ok....... We are out of booze because of you two....... It starts with you, Urist McHauler, what you do is you dont collect our plump helmets, and when you do, you bring the whole barrel, preventing Urist McBrewer here form making any booze! Not only that, but you do the same with seeds preventing us from planting more plump helmets! Man, you gotta clean up your act, fast, or your going were all those vanished babies went.
And you, Urist McBrewer, your not of the hook yet. We have literaly a million barrels, literaly, we have 2 legendary metalsmiths and two legendary carpenders pumping out abrrels by the ton, but when your not eating, drinking, sleeping or on break, there is aperently "no food storage item". I know what your going to say, "It was the Haulers, they used the berrels", well i say to you, just say no, take those barrels, though you shouldent have to, because we have 8000 metric tons of them. Get the booze or get to the magma.
From; The voice in your head.
Post by: ElenaRoan on July 18, 2012, 05:51:54 am
Good grief. When I got the announcement of the giantess arriving I sent the whole three of you to take care of her fully expecting to possibly get only the captain back as I'd skipped making copper/iron/steel weapons and armour, deciding to go strait to adamantine not realising how slow the process was so only the captain was fully kitted out. When you outraced your companians to the giantess, who had just finished taking apart that trader who was sitting on the edge of the map for some unknown reason, with only your adamantine axe and helm I was expecting you to at least land in the hospital. I was surprised when first the giantess tried to run then very quickly stopped being in one place, checking the report revealed that you had chopped off her arms and legs before planting your axe in her chest and she didn't get to land even one hit.
- Amazed and not sure if she just lucked out
Post by: Syuviel on July 18, 2012, 02:51:52 pm
That channel rapidly filling with red stuff? That's the magma channel. It's a channel for magma. I've designated it as restricted, and designated a traffic area that is notably less likely to melt your faces off. Please use it while you haul the melted bodies of the haulers who got melted while hauling melted haulers through the channel.
~Love, the benevolent voice that resonates in your pathetic little skulls.
P.S. Stop going mad.
Dear Vampire,
Not right now, i'm busy. You'll notice, i'm busy playing with magma. I'd like to weaponize you, so i'd rather not have to send the militia after you, so just please step into your room, so i can lock the door.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 18, 2012, 04:26:58 pm
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:
Code: [Select]
Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
Post by: Reudh on July 18, 2012, 07:55:19 pm
Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
You better hope you like copper. :3
Post by: Kongquistador on July 18, 2012, 11:10:51 pm
When you're wandering through the caverns on your way back from a troglodyte murder spree, you would reasonably be surprised when a tree suddenly springs into existence in front of you, barring your way which was open only moments ago. Yeah, that's weird. But after you've taken a moment, you could turn around. Now, it would admittedly be way more surprising to find that a tree has suddenly appeared behind you, and you're stuck in the tunnel back to base with only a cave spider for company.
Look, ok, I understand this was wacky and unexpected. Take a few and just breath. But then consider self-help. Step one would be to let someone know about your situation. "Hey guys, I'm stuck" would do nicely. Then, your axe. =Steel Axe= + fungiwood = *freedom*. It will keep you from dying of thirst as your buddies are up on the surface massacring goblin bowmen while they wonder where their friend is. As it is, you're dead.
Your grave will read,
"Promising killer, rendered in frieze.
Couldn't see the fortress for the trees"
Post by: Joben on July 19, 2012, 12:39:13 am
Please find enclosed the bill for Urist McInjuredHero's extended hospital stay. This is what you get for not making me a traction bench like I asked. I know you said you couldn't find a chain or a rope, but I'm not buying it. We had 6 perfectly good unused ropes in our stockpile, and I had 4 new ones made when you wouldn't use those.
I wish I could say this was the was the only time you have demonstrated this level of incompetence. It was not long after that you refused to encrust some finished goods with stone because you "could not find Diorite."
Urist, that is absurd. Our entire fortress is carved into diorite. There were three stockpiles containing it within 20 paces of your workshop. There is so much of it around that I've had to tell people to stop hauling it because they were not doing anything else. It's impossible to walk down a hallway without tripping over piles of it.
One more such incident and you will find your bed moved to the apiary.
Sincerely,
The Supervisor.
Post by: misko27 on July 19, 2012, 12:52:54 am
Post by: Joben on July 19, 2012, 01:21:06 am
Post by: misko27 on July 19, 2012, 01:31:38 am
Post by: Lagslayer on July 19, 2012, 02:47:08 pm
1 sphalerite?Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
You better hope you like copper. :3
Post by: misko27 on July 19, 2012, 03:16:35 pm
Dear Urist McAxedwarf,No, sounds perfectly reasonable. A dwarf taking out a giant without too much armor, standard. What was her skill level?
Good grief. When I got the announcement of the giantess arriving I sent the whole three of you to take care of her fully expecting to possibly get only the captain back as I'd skipped making copper/iron/steel weapons and armour, deciding to go strait to adamantine not realising how slow the process was so only the captain was fully kitted out. When you outraced your companians to the giantess, who had just finished taking apart that trader who was sitting on the edge of the map for some unknown reason, with only your adamantine axe and helm I was expecting you to at least land in the hospital. I was surprised when first the giantess tried to run then very quickly stopped being in one place, checking the report revealed that you had chopped off her arms and legs before planting your axe in her chest and she didn't get to land even one hit.
- Amazed and not sure if she just lucked out
Post by: poothoottoot on July 19, 2012, 04:38:56 pm
While I appreciate you taking the seed barrel out to collect some seeds did you have to swim across the river and leave it on the other side before swimming back across the river empty handed. Then you had the guts to complain to me about swimming in the river being dangerous. I decided our only plump helmet seeds you unwittingly lost needed reclaiming and built a bridge across the river. Little did I know you would dwarf up and swim across the river to retrieve the seeds and bring them back safely. Good job but next time don't get them stuck over there in the first place.
Sincerely your confuzeled master.
Post by: Corai on July 19, 2012, 09:18:13 pm
WHY would I EVER need a steel minecart? Why? It is only the first year, the 1500 urists you spent getting that could had been spent on getting something I would pay for. Like maybe food and booze?
Sincerly, the all seeing overseer.
Post by: Firehawk45 on July 20, 2012, 05:09:45 am
Dear merchants,
WHY would I EVER need a steel minecart? Why? It is only the first year, the 1500 urists you spent getting that could had been spent on getting something I would pay for. Like maybe food and booze?
Sincerly, the all seeing overseer.
Dear Overseer,
This minecart has more kills then every other weapon in the mountainhomes. Considering the tendency of our outposts to be attacked by many foul creatures, we thought that you would want such a great weapon to defend yourselve. Please consider telling the liasion about your needs, so we can serve them better.
Sincerely,
the merchants
Post by: Syuviel on July 20, 2012, 11:35:16 am
Welcome to the sealed happy fun-time lever room, where you will enjoy 98% free time, to do absolutely nothing, forever! the other 2% will consist of pulling the levers that activate the doberbombs, magma cannons, drawbridges, and the lockdown lever.
~~~~
Dear Zombie Elephants,
You are an abomination.
Love, The Voice.
Post by: billybobfred on July 20, 2012, 12:11:08 pm
Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.Worth pointing out: That's a demand, not a mandate, and if you don't fulfill it, all that will happen is that Urist McMayor will get sad. Dwarven
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
Post by: krenshala on July 20, 2012, 07:45:13 pm
Post by: Wrex on July 21, 2012, 04:01:17 am
Airborne syndromes are airborne. When I flooded the map with my experimental bioweapon, running out to collect goblinite was not a smart idea.
Sincerly,
Mad Scientist.
Post by: ElenaRoan on July 21, 2012, 05:07:49 am
Dear Urist McAxedwarf,No, sounds perfectly reasonable. A dwarf taking out a giant without too much armor, standard. What was her skill level?
Good grief. When I got the announcement of the giantess arriving I sent the whole three of you to take care of her fully expecting to possibly get only the captain back as I'd skipped making copper/iron/steel weapons and armour, deciding to go strait to adamantine not realising how slow the process was so only the captain was fully kitted out. When you outraced your companians to the giantess, who had just finished taking apart that trader who was sitting on the edge of the map for some unknown reason, with only your adamantine axe and helm I was expecting you to at least land in the hospital. I was surprised when first the giantess tried to run then very quickly stopped being in one place, checking the report revealed that you had chopped off her arms and legs before planting your axe in her chest and she didn't get to land even one hit.
- Amazed and not sure if she just lucked out
I think that particular dwarf had just informed me of becoming an axe lord just before the giantess turned up, though I wasn't sure how that happened as I hadn't sent them against much and just had them on training pretty much the entire time except for the occasional chase of goblin snatchers and an ambush that the captain took out when he had pretty much the same amount of armor. The squad actually seemed to be doing some learning this time around, which surprised me. I'm guessing I lucked out there. I'm probably too soft on my Dwarves, they only get drafted if they don't have a useful skill (hence only 3 Dwarves in the squad when I'd already ended up with a mayor, a surprisingly sensible mayor who liked flasks).
*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.
Post by: weenog on July 21, 2012, 05:33:43 am
*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.
Too much Skyrim for you?
Post by: MadocComadrin on July 21, 2012, 06:16:39 am
Almost all of you are carrying large boulders to the build site, so even if one of those Grey Languars comes close enough to give you any trouble, you have the perfect defense. Please stop letting these monkeys stall you from plugging up a critical weak point of the fortress.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer.
Post by: ElenaRoan on July 21, 2012, 06:59:36 am
*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.
Too much Skyrim for you?
*chuckle* you just brightened up my day considerably with the way you said that, thank you.
I think I've encountered giants elsewhere but yeah, when I think of giants I think of those giants with the habit of trying to send us to the moon *giggle*
Dear Troglodyte McAnnoyance and co
I'm sure you think my cavern's would make a nice home however you're interfering with my efforts to wall off and trap the entrances. The whole 4 dwarves of my military will have a chat to you about that, that pretty blue adorning their armor and weapons? That's not a dye.
- ElenaRoan
Urist McHunter
I unlocked that door to let the giant toad hop into the cage traps, NOT so you could get in to hunt it! You're lucky I didn't lock you out next to the map edge.
- annoyed
Post by: TallAsAHouseDwarf on July 24, 2012, 05:44:49 am
There are at least a dozen wheelbarrows in the storage to be used for hauling those stones, so you don't have to carry them by hand, dammit! Just watch how one or two of your friends are using them right now, they are doing it right. No move it, so I can collapse the entire pile on the caravan!
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 24, 2012, 12:12:44 pm
Dear Urist McHauler,
There are at least a dozen wheelbarrows in the storage to be used for hauling those stones, so you don't have to carry them by hand, dammit! Just watch how one or two of your friends are using them right now, they are doing it right. No move it, so I can collapse the entire pile on the caravan!
Have you set the stockpile to use multiple wheelbarrows?
Post by: optimusjamie on July 24, 2012, 01:00:33 pm
Breaks are supposed to be just a few minutes for a cup of tea. NOT an excuse to stand around doing nothing for three months.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 24, 2012, 04:03:41 pm
The more ways you can help, the faster we can bury the child that the gray langurs killed. And the two demonbloods that went insane. We will also make a small section of the graveyard designated for pets. I'm sorry to whoever lost their blue peahen.
In other news: We need the dining room set up. We are in a desert full of black sand and cacti. Also some mahogany. Get to work making tables.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 26, 2012, 04:44:47 am
Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong. However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children. If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off. We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.
Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages. They'll start growing their beards a little early.
Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender. For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice? That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'!
Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants? Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?
- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.
Post by: ThatAussieGuy on July 26, 2012, 05:39:39 am
Dear Urist McCondomless,
Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong. However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children. If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off. We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.
Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages. They'll start growing their beards a little early.
Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender. For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice? That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'!
Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants? Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?
- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.
Dear Overseer;
You cannot stop the passions of Urist McCasanunda, the world's shortest lover.
Sincerely;
Urist McCasanunda; Dwarven Lover of some Renown.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 26, 2012, 10:50:16 am
How is ghost babby formed?Kill a baby, wait for a ghost to form, watch in astonishment a year later when the baby grows up.
Dear fellow overseer,Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?
Your Hunters.
Dear Hunters...
A) Because you're morons and half the time you go hunting you do it without your ammo!
B) Because I hooked you up as a military unit and told you to always wear your armor. Why are you wearing those socks instead of these nice leather high boots?
C) Because there's a frickin' Ogre down there!
- Your exasperated overlord!
(On a side note, apparently I have no idea how to properly get cages back to animal storage. Still working that one out.)
I can't help but notice some issues you have.
A. Ammo is an issue that dwarves have especially when combined with
B. Uniform issues. Hunters have a uniform (leather armor, crossbow, quiver, bolts), and militiadwarves have a uniform (varies). Dwarves can only wear one uniform at a time.
C. Dwarves may not realize they can't eat ogres until they've killed them, and they don't think that they're a danger until it's too late, AND it's possible that something else was attracting the dwarves.
Hm...How reasonable would it be for dwarves to add blades to the sides of a crossbow to make a crude axe?The number of times I've experienced number 1.If you can't make sure your marksdwarves can't path to the enemy at all, try modding crossbows to be more useful as a melee weapon. I ended up giving them a bayonet.
"Hey, Marksdwarf! You're out of ammunition, go get some more. No, don't run at him, he's fully armoured, and you've got leather and a crossbow. Dammit, I've stationed you inside, GO INSIDE!"
*Urist McMarksdwarf has been struck down*
Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.That's a demand, not a mandate. You can safely ignore it.
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
Dear Urist McCondomless,Babies don't drain resources (I think that dwarven ladies put their babies on their heads when they can't carry them), and children do such useful tasks as hauling and harvesting plants. If you feel like cheating, you can use DT to assign the kids more labors. Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong. However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children. If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off. We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.
Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages. They'll start growing their beards a little early.
Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender. For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice? That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'!
Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants? Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?
- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.
Post by: Someguyfromcrowd on July 26, 2012, 11:08:14 am
My population was 18. Why did you need to spontaneously lead 33 of your friends in to idle in my meeting room?
Post by: WanderingKid on July 26, 2012, 02:44:01 pm
Dear fellow overseer,Yeah, I've been using a number of the workarounds to get them to reload, like moving them off the walls briefly to wake 'em up and resupply, things like that. Regarding the uniforms, I'd recently started separating hunting and marksdwarving so that might be why I'm having less uniform issues, since they're not allowed to hunt anymore. I use dedicated hunters for that.
I can't help but notice some issues you have.
A. Ammo is an issue that dwarves have especially when combined with
B. Uniform issues. Hunters have a uniform (leather armor, crossbow, quiver, bolts), and militiadwarves have a uniform (varies). Dwarves can only wear one uniform at a time.
C. Dwarves may not realize they can't eat ogres until they've killed them, and they don't think that they're a danger until it's too late, AND it's possible that something else was attracting the dwarves.
The ogre wasn't what they were after, but the 3 of 'em hanging around the locked door to the caverns were going to slaughter them. The problem was I'd only exposed a portion of the cavern but they could see something tasty, so I was getting a billion messages of 'can't find path'... though I got those even with the door unlocked too until I was finally able to map the cavern.
Quote
Hm...How reasonable would it be for dwarves to add blades to the sides of a crossbow to make a crude axe?Sounds wonderfully dwarfy to me.
Babies don't drain resources (I think that dwarven ladies put their babies on their heads when they can't carry them), and children do such useful tasks as hauling and harvesting plants. If you feel like cheating, you can use DT to assign the kids more labors. Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Well, yes and no. The babies eventually become kids for 10 years who try to eat and drink me out of house and home, but that's not really the huge issue. I've got TONS of food and booze. My biggest complaint about these infants is I'm constantly spammed with messages of 'seeking infant' because they refuse to crib the little brats, and I've got a ton of hauling that needs doing and the kids really aren't helping out much, if any.
However, if I was going to assist these children into oblivion, I've got two pet Forgotten Beasts in the first cavern. Infant, mother, father, aunt, third cousin twice removed... EVERYBODY gets to go see the exhibit. :) They can go made in white linen trying to wrestle a pair of FBs.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on July 26, 2012, 03:44:11 pm
Hey, that was me! Not you, me!
Quote from: QanderingKid
...How are the babies getting separated?Quote from: MeBabies don't drain resources (I think that dwarven ladies put their babies on their heads when they can't carry them), and children do such useful tasks as hauling and harvesting plants. If you feel like cheating, you can use DT to assign the kids more labors. Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Well, yes and no. The babies eventually become kids for 10 years who try to eat and drink me out of house and home, but that's not really the huge issue. I've got TONS of food and booze. My biggest complaint about these infants is I'm constantly spammed with messages of 'seeking infant' because they refuse to crib the little brats, and I've got a ton of hauling that needs doing and the kids really aren't helping out much, if any.
And that sucks about the kids. Mine usually haul some, at least.
Quote from: WK
However, if I was going to assist these children into oblivion, I've got two pet Forgotten Beasts in the first cavern. Infant, mother, father, aunt, third cousin twice removed... EVERYBODY gets to go see the exhibit. :) They can go made in white linen trying to wrestle a pair of FBs.Again...
Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 26, 2012, 08:11:43 pm
Hey, that was me! Not you, me!WHOOPS! LOL, sorry bout that.
Quote from: GreatWyrmGold
...How are the babies getting separated?You know, I have no clue. They wander off from my crafters as often as they seem to wander off from my haulers.
Post by: Deus Machina on July 27, 2012, 12:28:06 am
As the local cavern wildlife is wont to do, a particular specimen of Amphibious Gigantus bumrushed the opening you created in the caverns while digging a well.
While most of you were running and screaming like drunken ninnies, one Erib McMiner (maiden name: Clublancers) met it head-on and punched it in the back of the throat, which ended with her contracting a condition called 'Handus Offus.'
And while you guys watched from the top of the stairs, she proclaimed it to be naught but a flesh wound and proceeded to kill the toad with her pick and the stump of her right arm. Then sat down, had a breather, and went back to work without so much as a diagnosis.
She just earned herself for fort's first masterwork cabinet. The rest of you dwarves don't have half the beard she does. Take notes and get the heck back to work.
Post by: Deus Machina on July 27, 2012, 02:15:48 am
I do love the materials you bring for me to turn into cloaks for the militia. But 'head hair' from pandas and moose isn't all that valuable, especially when it appears to have reanimated on the journey.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 27, 2012, 04:52:53 pm
Quote from: GreatWyrmGold...How are the babies getting separated?You know, I have no clue. They wander off from my crafters as often as they seem to wander off from my haulers.
To expand on this, I'm hoping someone can explain to me why my babies appear to be coated in axel grease...
(http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d178/GUDare/Dwarf%20Fortress/WheresTheBaby.jpg)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 27, 2012, 05:14:11 pm
To expand on this, I'm hoping someone can explain to me why my babies appear to be coated in axel grease...
Do I need to ask to sig?
Post by: WanderingKid on July 27, 2012, 05:20:49 pm
To expand on this, I'm hoping someone can explain to me why my babies appear to be coated in axel grease...
Do I need to ask to sig?
LOL, nope, go for it. :)
Post by: Blucher on July 31, 2012, 02:45:42 pm
I must admit that when you lost your arm as a raw recruit fighting a giant tick, I was less than sanguine about your future as a soldier here at Lifeabbey. In all honesty, it would not be an exaggeration to say that I worried for your continued survival (as the tomb I had commissioned for you at the time would indicate).
You can imagine my sense of pleasant surprise when you not only admirably overcame your disability with dwarven aplomb, becoming a legendary spearmaster, but also amassed nearly eighty notable kills in addition to many other less remarkable victories over the course of your illustrious career.
You, the sole surviving member of your graduating class and longest-serving and most highly decorated of our military, are a pillar of the fortress and a true exemplar of the dwarven race.
Continue kicking ass.
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: Samoorai on August 01, 2012, 10:58:12 pm
I can't help but notice one of you has died from thirst, and many more of you seem to be heading in that direction. May I ask what is wrong with our fine selection of dwarven alcohol? Would you rather drink the filthy water from the river? The one that's outside our nice secure fortress, frozen over and currently guarded by goblin marksmen? The ones that will slaughter our unarmored military before they can get close? DRINK THE GODDAMN BOOZE! YOU'RE DWARVES! ACT LIKE IT!
- Overseer.
Seriously, why is this an issue?
Post by: Ria Hawk on August 01, 2012, 11:25:21 pm
Post by: Samoorai on August 02, 2012, 01:55:10 am
Post by: crazysheep on August 02, 2012, 02:33:48 am
Post by: Akivara on August 02, 2012, 03:22:29 am
Violating a production order is not a good reason to beat people to death.
Post by: Samoorai on August 02, 2012, 03:22:46 am
Post by: Mishrak on August 03, 2012, 01:01:53 pm
Seriously, the fort is near fatally low levels of alcohol but instead of brewing more, you decide to take a nap. The other Brewer is too busy loading a boulder in a rock-fall trap to assist, so I guess we'll all just get sober instead. Is that what you want?
Sincerely,
Urist McOverlord
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 03, 2012, 01:31:56 pm
I'm actually a teetotalling, very-short human bent on spreading my vies to dwarf kind. Your assignment of me to the brewery has been quite an insult, and I refuse to continue. Also, I spit in all the booze I made.
Sincerely,
Urist McBrewer
And now one from me:
Attention Marksdwarves of Minemanors,
Please do not take your children with you when I order you to the parapets to take pot shots at out Goblin besiegers. While inspiring a martial fortune is a nice idea, I would rather avoid dealing with more dead
Sincerely,
Overseer of Minemanors, the Blood of Volcanoes
Post by: Slayerhero90 on August 03, 2012, 01:33:45 pm
Dear Urist McBrewer,
Seriously, the fort is near fatally low levels of alcohol but instead of brewing more, you decide to take a nap. The other Brewer is too busy loading a boulder in a rock-fall trap to assist, so I guess we'll all just get sober instead. Is that what you want?
Sincerely,
Urist McOverlord
I don't ever bother with the alcohol industry. When I still played as dwarves, they were all estatic despite no booze or bedrooms.
Post by: billybobfred on August 03, 2012, 02:05:56 pm
I don't ever bother with the alcohol industry. When I still played as dwarves, they were all estatic despite no booze or bedrooms.You realize that dwarves are physically dependent on alcohol and will work much, much slower without it.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on August 03, 2012, 02:40:13 pm
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 03, 2012, 02:59:02 pm
*Urist McBrewer walks into the Overseers office
Overseer: "Urist McBrewer! Catten ‼McScientist‼ here has informed me that the overproduction of booze has created too much matter in one place, causing time to slow down! If we keep it up, it will eventually freeze completely, like when Fath McFisherdwarf fell in the lake at midnight on the first of Moonstone." We need to stop!
Urist: *looks at Catten* "He's not on fire..."
Overseer: "What?"
Urist: "Nevermind. So you're saying that we either stop producing booze, or time stops?"
Overseer: "Yes. It's urgent"
Urist: "Let me rephrase that: a lifetime of grueling sobriety, or the last few moments of flowing time swimming in a lake of booze?"
Overseer: "..."
Catten: "Sir? You can't be ser-"
Overseer: "DOUBLE THE BOOZE PRODUCTION!!!"
Post by: Mura on August 03, 2012, 04:15:41 pm
When the zombies invade from the Evil side of the map, do not take the fight to their turf.
Sincerely, the overlord who is now dealing with your thralled ass.
Post by: SandyCaesar on August 03, 2012, 05:32:15 pm
Yes, I'm aware that difficulties in making cartridges mean that your weapons are somewhat less threatening than they could be. Nevertheless, I did hope that bouncing lead BBs off the gobbos would have hurt them.
Instead, you seem intent on not training at the range. You also seem intent charging in with bayonets--with which you have had no practice at all. It took the legendary miners' squad to bail out your sorry asses against that Goblin Spearmaster.
Enjoy your convalescence.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: DisgruntledPeasant on August 03, 2012, 05:37:32 pm
Dear Urist McLegendary:
When the zombies invade from the Evil side of the map, do not take the fight to their turf.
Sincerely, the overlord who is now dealing with your thralled ass.
Dear Overlord.
UUGHHHHH. urrghhh. arrrggg
Post by: Splint on August 03, 2012, 05:42:50 pm
It's my glacier. Go away.
I'm sick of wating what little wood I have making cages to keep that entry sealed because of you.
Signed,
Overseer of Glacial hell
Post by: Mageziya on August 03, 2012, 08:15:17 pm
We Troglodytes and Ogres flock to your fortress for sustenance to survive. Sustenance, though it may not appear like it is, is rare low. The moss provides little energy and we can only eat each other for so long. Ultimately all cave creatures rely on some form in nutrient immigration to the caves to support the food web. Despite this it is rare though to eat and maim those directly from the surface, so dwarves and their livestock are a delicacy to us.
~Troglodytes and Cave Ogres.
Post by: Wrex on August 03, 2012, 09:22:19 pm
When those crawler mounted goblins headed straight for you, I thought you were a goner. You stood there, watching the incoming horde with fire in your eyes. Then you punched the leader so hard his head exploded and his entire force fled for the safety of the hills.
Guess who gets the artifact bed tonight?
Post by: SandyCaesar on August 04, 2012, 03:02:50 am
From: the Overseer
I am aware of the new Child Outreach program encouraging younger dwarves to go out and see the world. However, my fortresses are not nurseries. Stop sending kids. I need migrants with useful skills, but thus far of nine migrants five have been children, and it was so much worse in my previous fort. I already have advisers urging my to implement Dwarven Daycare via training weapons and I am strongly tempted to do so.
Post by: Casp on August 04, 2012, 10:19:39 pm
Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?
Thanks to your mess, we lost a good farmer because his badger bite got infected. You know why they couldn't treat it? BECAUSE YOU ASSHOLES were lounging in all the hospital beds, recovering from your beatdown at the hands of a silverware wielding greenskin. Do you know what it was like, going up to his wife and telling her her husband died of an easily treatable wound? Or telling his three year old son that his father is never coming home? I expect better from you. All of you.
And by the way? When the next goblin ambush came around, (most of you weren't there - still lazing about in the hospital) the panda I bought on a whim from the elves killed three of them alone. And they were actual soldiers with weapons, instead of some goblin kid with a knife from his mother's kitchen going off to play war against the dwarves! THE PANDA IS A BETTER SOLDIER THAN YOU.
- The Overseer
Dear Hospital Staff of Passcrafts:
Are you serious? There hasn't been a single medical emergency in the history of the fort. Yet the day the entire militia ends up in the hospital pouring blood all over the nice smoothed floors, you decide to have a party in the dining hall? You think just because I don't pay attention to you, you can get away with not doing your JOB!? What did you say when the messenger told you all that Dwarves were DYING?
"Hold on, Logum's about to do a kegstand!" You sicken me. The dwarves of this fortress trusted you with their LIVES, and you BETRAYED them. Thanks to your shenanigans, one of our Axedwarves is dead, another will never walk again, and because you dragged your feet fixing the incompetent band of dipshits we call the militia, one of our best farmers died of an INFECTION. From a BADGER BITE. These were men with families, and you let them die so that you could go dance and get plastered.
I hope it was a good party, to be worth all this. I hope you had fun.
-The Overseer
Post by: Joben on August 05, 2012, 01:30:00 am
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If this was some sort of joke, mission accomplished. If not, please seek professional pyciatric help, and possibly a new line of work.
Signed,
Your Very Confused Overseer,
Joben
Post by: SandyCaesar on August 05, 2012, 04:12:17 am
Yes, I know that vampires need blood. Nevertheless, you have pissed me off. I'd even given you a work exemption since, hey, how many High Master Butchers do you get? And your social skills/ascension to mayor, not so suspicious either. Until I carefully looked through Legends mode with a fine-toothed comb and found you.
For the time being, you're the new fortress early-warning system. The post of mayor goes back to the poor sod you stole it from, while I hurry construction on a new marksmen moving-target practice system/goblin execution chamber/arena. You will be the inaugural contestant, if you survive watch duty. And if you live through that, there's always more death traps that need testing.
Sincerely,
A Very Vengeful Overseer
Post by: Raikaria on August 05, 2012, 10:30:04 am
Why are you just standing at the side of the map? There is a clear path to my Trade Depot. Yet you just stand there, watching. I'm not even sure if you have a caravan, you're just two friendly traders standing there.
Please, do something. Go away. Join the fort. TRADE. Just don't stand there until you waste away. I've had two waves of mirgants come in since you showed up!
Yours:
Confused Overseer.
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 05, 2012, 01:34:38 pm
Post by: pisskop on August 05, 2012, 02:04:21 pm
"Welcome. Welcome to Outpost 17. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest cultural centers. I thought so much of Outpost 17 that I elected to establish my administration here, in the city so thoughtfully provided by our benefactor, the King. I have been proud to call Outpost 17 my home. And so, whether you are here to ply your trade, or trying to start a new life - welcome to Outpost 17. It's safer here. "
-Alath Zanegethad, Mayor, in his yearly speech to the migrants.
"We now have direct confirmation of a disruptor in our midst, one who has acquired an almost messianic reputation in the minds of our nobility, and those who would seek their favor. Her figure is synonymous with the darkest urges of greed, ignorance and wrath. Some of the worst excesses of the Green Glass Mandate Incident have been laid directly at her feet. And yet the interloping nobility continues to imbue her with romantic power, giving her such dangerous poetic labels as the Hammer of Fate, the Cleanser of the Guilty.
Let me remind all citizens of the dangers of political thinking. We have scarcely begun to climb from the dark pit of our societies' social evolution. Let us not slide backward into oblivion, just as we have finally begun to see the light. If you see this so-called Hammer of Fate, report her. Civic deeds do not go unrewarded. And contrariwise, complicity with her cause will not go unpunished.
Be wise. Be safe. Be aware."
-Alath Zanegethad, in his seasonal speech to the workers in the spring of 205.
Just so you all know, I just modified Breen's speeches from Half-Life 2. All intellectual property belongs to VALVe and Tarn Adams.
heh. also this thread is awesome.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 05, 2012, 02:04:36 pm
Dear Urist McStockpileDrone
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If this was some sort of joke, mission accomplished. If not, please seek professional pyciatric help, and possibly a new line of work.
Signed,
Your Very Confused Overseer,
Joben
How did the wheelbarrow end up being stored in the barrel?
Post by: Sus on August 06, 2012, 04:10:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 06, 2012, 08:40:39 am
Dear Urist McStockpileDroneThis is what happens when professional haulers get moody. Instead of crafting things with raw materials, they just jam together whatever is laying around the stockpile and call it a day.
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If this was some sort of joke, mission accomplished. If not, please seek professional pyciatric help, and possibly a new line of work.
Signed,
Your Very Confused Overseer,
Joben
Post by: SandyCaesar on August 06, 2012, 06:20:07 pm
Well, that was a surprise. Locked up in a room of disarmed gobbos, not only did you not die, you proceeded to murder the shit out of all five of them completely bare-handed. I'm having second thoughts on killing you, though you're not still going anywhere near the sleeping quarters.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: orius on August 07, 2012, 09:04:43 am
I appreciate your dedication to duty. Those masons are slobs, dropping socks all over the construction site, and you saw fit to grab a bin and pick up one of their booze soaked rags. However, it was on one of the scaffold stairwells near the fort entrance. Was it really necessary to climb up one of the far stairwells and clamber over the walls when you could have just gone up the stairs and picked the sock up at the top?
Your Overseer.
Post by: pisskop on August 07, 2012, 10:47:44 am
I know that you are big, strong, tough, intelligent and like traditions and orders. I know I told the group to pen the animals. I know you were only technically doing what you were told, and just happened to consider animal safety more important than mining. But, when I embark into a sinester wetlands and the crocs are undead, I expect you to dig out aquafer breaking plug with the upmost haste. The other dorfs can just as easily pen the
Your embarassed overseer,
McFacepalmer
edit:
P.S. When you do it a second time, make sure our farmers are not collecting herbs nearby.
Post by: Urist_McDrowner on August 07, 2012, 10:52:28 am
We had a good run, you and I. However, you 60 people with only dabbling skills, I just can't find work for. So I'm going to fill all workshops with orders, plant more seeds, and give mining orders and whatnot, and after 2 minutes whichever of you derps are still doing nothing, I swear I'll dump you in the moat and screw tantrum spirals.
Post by: orius on August 07, 2012, 11:40:13 pm
Dear Urist McStockpileDrone
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If this was some sort of joke, mission accomplished. If not, please seek professional pyciatric help, and possibly a new line of work.
Signed,
Your Very Confused Overseer,
Joben
How did the wheelbarrow end up being stored in the barrel?
I'm guessing the dwarves were storing stuff in a coke stockpile, and the wheelbarrow was put there because it had some charcoal among other things. But that doesn't explain the outer barrel, since coke is stored in bins.
No matter how it happened, it's still fucking hilarious.
Post by: Sus on August 08, 2012, 02:35:28 am
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.What. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FlatWhat)
Now if only there was some way to exploit this for a Dwarven Bag of Holding... :-\
Post by: wizard12 on August 08, 2012, 05:27:27 am
When the spring time migrant wave arrived, I was not impressed to see that the mountain homes had sent me a lowly peasant to help my foundling fort. However, upon closer inspection I found you to be an epic hero. An expert axedwarf with 287 (!!) kills to your name. I had my suspicions of vampirism, but I still made you the commander of the new fort militia, hoping you'd train them all to be great killers.
Now I admit, I don't know how that axe got there and in your defence, my metal industry hadn't been set up to make axes for you so I understand your desire to go get that axe. However, it is not acceptable to be killed by A FUCKING CAPYBARA! DUDE, seriously, those things are just overgrown, fucking HAMSTERS! How in Armok's name did this thing drag you into the water and stun you long enough for you to DROWN! The side of the marsh was RIGHT THERE, all you had to do was climb out but noooo... you had to try and punch the cute little thing to death underwater.
You will not get a tomb... at all. I don't care if your ghost comes back to haunt us. You're a laughing stock, a fool. As such, you will be left to rot... forever.
Having hamster issues...
Your overseer with a new found hatred of capybaras.
PS (edit): Upon even further inspection I actually found you were a hammer dwarf... so I have one question... why? Why did you go for that axe when we have a dedicated axe squad waiting for weapons? Why... just... why...
Post by: ElenaRoan on August 10, 2012, 06:05:44 am
There are over 2000 prepared meals in storage, stop grabbing the berries and plants! They're for brewing!
- Annoyed
Post by: Darkening Kaos on August 12, 2012, 11:23:20 pm
Well, what can I say about the last trade caravan you sent for the year 166? First off, thanks for the opportunity to peruse your entire range of some 500 different coils of rope - I never knew there could be such variety, I had so much difficulty deciding which to buy that the traders left before I could choose, (really, in 16 years, how many coils have I bought? Zero, yes that's right none, what made you think I'd buy one now?)
Also, a really big thank you to the beureaucrat that finally received all of my requests for alcohol, such that three years supply of booze arrived all at once. Much obliged.
As for the (+<<-llama wool sock->>+) that cost 1447 dorf bucks, I was tempted, but where was its mate? (And the trader told me it had been marked up by 300 dbs because it was, quite literally, 'one of a kind').
I do hope that the 300+ andesite blocks will find a use somewhere back in the Mountainhome, you'll get another 300+ next year - this mountain is being sent to you piece by piece, although some assembly will be required at your end.
Cheerz and Beerz,
The ever-present force currently residing at Mostod Ishlum (The Shame of Nuts).
Post by: Wrex on August 12, 2012, 11:44:40 pm
There were exactly 500 strands of adamantine swordwire between us and the orchish horde. I Know. I Counted. It is probably the most lethal piece of real estate in the world. I Know. I Checked. Yes, Orcs have Trapavoid. I Know. I Checked. Thats why the web turrets had coated the entire hallway in webbing, with more lethal warpstone powder turrets behind a drawbridge in case they somehow survived. I Know. I Checked. So Wherefore came the desire to engage them with nothing but your skivies and a rusty iron scourge looted from a goblin dominatrix? What's left of your body will be displayed as a warning to others. When I eventually do bury you, it will be in a can.
Signed, your overseer.
Post by: Sus on August 13, 2012, 02:39:57 am
I sent you to dig a simple, straight vertical shaft with a staircase next to it for access.
Now please tell me how you managed to somehow interpret that as "Oh, he wants me to kill myself with a gabbro to the head? Okie then..."
Wait, never mind, you're dead.
Anyhow, thanks to this asshole, nobody's getting any water out of our new well, due to there being a single level of undug floor down there.
-Sus, your (frustrated) overseer.
Post by: omg_scout on August 14, 2012, 07:47:19 am
Dear Militia of Passcrafts,That made my day.
Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?
BTW, I had once an issue where such silver daggered goblin killed 4 of my ironarmoured macelords. Together.
Post by: orius on August 14, 2012, 11:21:26 am
There is no need for you to go to the trade depot, grab a roast off the stack of roasts and take a bite out of it when you're hungry when there's a fuckton of food filling our stockpiles to bursting. If you want to show your contempt for the elves (and who doesn't?), use your middle finger, that's what it's there for.
Your Overseer.
Post by: Joben on August 14, 2012, 06:17:39 pm
I have no particular objection to you being a nudist. However as you seem to be upset by this lately I suggest you select some things from the literally thousands of fine articles our clothiers have stockpiled. I have reduced your workload leaving you plenty of time to go shopping. If you're still buck naked it's your own damned fault. No use tantruming about it.
Also stop trying to feed your imaginary cavies. The last of them died years ago.
-----------------------
Dear Kivish, Captain Of The Guard,
I realize losing a leg and having a goblin pound on your head with a maul must have been a traumatic experience. However the proper thing to do about this is not to lie on battlefield surrounded by bodies for days on end, declaring yourself to be "On Break" and refusing rescue. Get to the hospital and get patched up!
I'm not surprised you're friends with Tekkud, you're both nuts.
Post by: Brewster on August 14, 2012, 08:45:56 pm
I wish I had a bolt of lightning to throw at you once a year.
- Me
Post by: Mura on August 14, 2012, 10:33:55 pm
Dear Militia of Passcrafts,That made my day.
Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?
BTW, I had once an issue where such silver daggered goblin killed 4 of my ironarmoured macelords. Together.
"Butter-knives" are highly effective weapons, thanks to having one-tenth the stabbing contact area of a sword. They go through armor like... well.
Post by: bukitodinos on August 15, 2012, 07:58:35 am
I drained those lakes for a reason, the stone is damp i know,
BECAUSE THE IS STILL A TINY PUDDLE UP THERE,
you are no going to flood the fort just because you mined a brick, there is nothing there.
Calm down. And stop being a baby
-Bukit
-----------------------------------------
Dear Baron mcIwantaddy
DIE
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 15, 2012, 08:54:38 am
Re: Baron: Why did you pick an adamantine-loving baron to begin with? Also, in DF2012, nobles shouldn't give material-based mandates anymore.
Post by: Mishrak on August 15, 2012, 11:48:21 am
I'm really sorry I sent three of you to be annihilated by 5 Kobold crossbowmen. Fortunately I used a time machine (ctrl+alt+delete) to bring you back to life, but there's no guarantee I won't do it again.
Sincerely,
Your
Post by: Langolier on August 15, 2012, 01:44:00 pm
I'm sorry your pet llama died in the zombie siege. But please stop throwing a tantrum for five seconds, calming down, then throwing another tantrum. Eventually you are going to hurt somebody. So you get to take a dip in Dr. Wondertainment's super cherry kool-aid bath(tm)
Dear Assorted Idiots
If there is a ton of zombies outside the door, why do you see them, and go running off onto the surface directly into their midst?!?!? This actually made me angry. Why, why why? All you had to do was literally take one step back and close the door. Good Gods! There is now an IQ limit if you want to migrate to my fortress
I hate you all. Go kill yourselves
-Sincerely, the overseer
Post by: pisskop on August 15, 2012, 01:58:36 pm
I hate you all. Go kill yourselves
-Sincerely, the overseer
Duh, thats what they are doing! :P
Post by: bukitodinos on August 15, 2012, 02:26:41 pm
Re: Miner: Meh, just re-designate it.
Re: Baron: Why did you pick an adamantine-loving baron to begin with? Also, in DF2012, nobles shouldn't give material-based mandates anymore.
Yeah but it gets annoying after a while
and i did not know that he liked addy
Post by: Monk321654 on August 15, 2012, 03:00:10 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Horse:
Upon putting my head back on, I found you in the deceased list. I must have missed the announcement of your death, but I can assure you that you'll be missed. And tasty.
Post by: Corai on August 15, 2012, 03:01:10 pm
Dear Horse:How the hell did you survive that?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Wat.
Post by: Splint on August 15, 2012, 03:04:59 pm
Dear Horse:How the hell did you survive that?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Horse:
Upon putting my head back on, I found you in the deceased list. I must have missed the announcement of your death, but I can assure you that you'll be missed. And tasty.
It doesn't mention the being struck down bit. Consider Brain damage + knocked out = dead.
Post by: Reudh on August 16, 2012, 08:59:28 pm
It's not uncommon to see opponents be 'struck unconscious' by a hit, but be dead. That's because they fall unconscious because of their lack of a working brain and die a single frame later.
Post by: Sus on August 17, 2012, 01:52:03 am
I'm terribly sorry for not having time to chit-chat, but Im sort of busy d...
'Sus' Fikodast, Foreman has been struck down.
A diplomat has left unhappy.
Post by: ElenaRoan on August 17, 2012, 10:34:44 am
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
Post by: Xob Ludosmbax on August 17, 2012, 11:04:57 am
If you had just picked up the bodies and dumped them in the magma like I told you to, this would all have been fine. But no, you had to have a party or drink or whatever it was you were doing, and they reanimated and attacked soldiers from behind. How could 50 of you not keep up with the body-count of two dwarves? With the experienced soldiers cut off, you haulers and the recruits were easy pickings for the other reanimated corpses. I hope that party was worth it.
Sincerely,
Overseer Killjoy
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 17, 2012, 11:27:46 am
Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Post by: misko27 on August 17, 2012, 04:14:26 pm
A adamantine axe.Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 17, 2012, 04:46:16 pm
Post by: StLeibowitz on August 18, 2012, 10:29:50 am
This is not minecraft. OF COURSE you will be unable to build the wall while standing on the same tile it is to be built upon; that's how our modicum of physics works! Don't use your lack of grasp of the concept of solidity to excuse your laziness and "suspend" the construction of the wall. Most importantly, you should really learn from your mistakes and not make the exact same stupid mistake three times in a row!
If you were not one of the five useful dwarves I had, you would quickly find yourself the victim of an unfortunate accident involving honey bees, that volcano shaft we've built the fort around, and a few of those Armok-damned monkeys that nicked our sandals.
With annoyance,
Senior Management and the Office of Problem Worker Removal.
Post by: ElenaRoan on August 18, 2012, 03:35:09 pm
Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Him to have used something other than the raw adamantine. Why they always have to grab the craft workshop dedicated to strand extraction, even when it's sitting right above the magma sea, I'll never know.
I'll have to remember to forbid raw adamantine in the future when they want rocks.
That dwarf was very lucky I'm not in the habit of doing anything permanent to dwarfs that annoy me.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 18, 2012, 07:44:50 pm
Dear Urist McMasonRemove and re-designate it.
This is not minecraft. OF COURSE you will be unable to build the wall while standing on the same tile it is to be built upon; that's how our modicum of physics works! Don't use your lack of grasp of the concept of solidity to excuse your laziness and "suspend" the construction of the wall. Most importantly, you should really learn from your mistakes and not make the exact same stupid mistake three times in a row!
If you were not one of the five useful dwarves I had, you would quickly find yourself the victim of an unfortunate accident involving honey bees, that volcano shaft we've built the fort around, and a few of those Armok-damned monkeys that nicked our sandals.
With annoyance,
Senior Management and the Office of Problem Worker Removal.
Burrows?Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Him to have used something other than the raw adamantine. Why they always have to grab the craft workshop dedicated to strand extraction, even when it's sitting right above the magma sea, I'll never know.
I'll have to remember to forbid raw adamantine in the future when they want rocks.
That dwarf was very lucky I'm not in the habit of doing anything permanent to dwarfs that annoy me.
Post by: Splint on August 18, 2012, 07:52:05 pm
While I understand Missing means dead and no-one saw it but your killer, I would appreciate it if you'd left your equipment or a note or something somewhere. Masterwork armor is expensive damn it!
Signed,
Alt. History of Spearbreakers Splint.
Post by: bukitodinos on August 18, 2012, 08:07:42 pm
I am in the place you like most, LOOK MY FORT IS WEAK AND HELPLESS...
this is not fun...
I hate you guys
-bukit
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 18, 2012, 09:03:35 pm
Why are you complaining? Just make your own Fun. Go ahead, make a big statue out front, we won't bite...Or maybe we will...
Sincerely,
Us guys.
Post by: Urist McKiwi on August 18, 2012, 10:27:39 pm
This is a nice embark. A very nice one indeed. Deep soil, sand, clay, and there's gold everywhere once we dig down. Even though everything is friggen blue and sparkly, it's a nice place. So why exactly did you park the wagon in the MIDDLE OF A GROUP OF ALLIGATORS?
(Quickest fortress destruction I've had in a good few months)
Post by: Shininglight on August 18, 2012, 11:15:19 pm
THERE IS A MASSIVE STOCKPILE ONLY TWELVE SPACES AWAY FROM THE BUTCHERS SHOP AND FARMS! For the love of Armok almost 20 of you say you have no jobs, so STORE SOME OF THE FOOD THAT YOU'VE LEFT ROTTING FOR 3 SEASONS!!!!!!! I need those mushrooms stored so i can brew and that meat from the war elephant who starved to death last month so you don't DIE, now i'm trying to make the caverns safe so i can set up a magma foundry and give you militia armor and weapons, SO HURRY UP!
- Sincerely your frustrated and bitter overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 19, 2012, 07:57:39 am
Dear Urist.Reclaim. Oh, and dwarven wagons are dropped in by trained rocs.
This is a nice embark. A very nice one indeed. Deep soil, sand, clay, and there's gold everywhere once we dig down. Even though everything is friggen blue and sparkly, it's a nice place. So why exactly did you park the wagon in the MIDDLE OF A GROUP OF ALLIGATORS?
(Quickest fortress destruction I've had in a good few months)
Dear dwarves of WhipChane:You can't butcher tame animals that died of natural causes! Union rules.
THERE IS A MASSIVE STOCKPILE ONLY TWELVE SPACES AWAY FROM THE BUTCHERS SHOP AND FARMS! For the love of Armok almost 20 of you say you have no jobs, so STORE SOME OF THE FOOD THAT YOU'VE LEFT ROTTING FOR 3 SEASONS!!!!!!! I need those mushrooms stored so i can brew and that meat from the war elephant who starved to death last month so you don't DIE, now i'm trying to make the caverns safe so i can set up a magma foundry and give you militia armor and weapons, SO HURRY UP!
- Sincerely your frustrated and bitter overseer.
Sincerely,
Urist McClerk.
Post by: ElenaRoan on August 19, 2012, 01:48:22 pm
Burrows?Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Him to have used something other than the raw adamantine. Why they always have to grab the craft workshop dedicated to strand extraction, even when it's sitting right above the magma sea, I'll never know.
I'll have to remember to forbid raw adamantine in the future when they want rocks.
That dwarf was very lucky I'm not in the habit of doing anything permanent to dwarfs that annoy me.
Only ever use one burrow, the one to (hopefully) get everyone inside when there's an ambush/seige. I'm sure there's ways to use burrows more creatively, I just haven't figured them out yet.
Post by: Andux on August 19, 2012, 07:47:55 pm
Spoiler: Image (click to show/hide)
Dear Urists McFraidy,
Oh, yes, that (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Standardchinchilla.jpg)'s a real beast. You're lucky you're still alive.
Sarcastically,
Your Facepalming Overlord
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 19, 2012, 08:03:07 pm
There's a thousand reasons it might kill me. If it came to close to me or vise versa, it might get spooked and bite me, leading to an incurable infection. It might be an evil creature that just looks like a chinchilla. It might be a warbeast of goblins or kobolds, and lead to me getting my skull bashed in or my eye stabbed out. It might have rabies. I might get distracted while walking, keeping an eye on it, and trying not to think of all the ways it could kill me and accidentally walk off a cliff. It's just safety.
Also, I do not have the "danger-estimating" part of my brain functioning yet.
Sincerely,
Atir Kastlolok.
Post by: Splint on August 19, 2012, 09:17:17 pm
---
Dear residents fo Hexwebbed
Quite tripping while going into the temporary shelter. The combat reports keep making me think my know-nothing miners are getting mauled by cyotes.
Thank you,
Overseer Splint.
P.S. I hope you like sandstorms and mountain predators.
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 22, 2012, 10:10:06 pm
Where are my shallow and deep metals as promised? You, sir, are a liar! My dwarves normally find tons of metals within a few levels. Not this time, it's all flux (how you taunt me so!), cobaltite, diorite, and clay, and I've already dug down ten levels. You call this frequent minerals?
Grumpy McNoLove
Post by: Sus on August 23, 2012, 12:33:17 am
20 vs 1 and all of you manage to get killed? Without a single hit on the goblin spearmaster? Seriously, how do you do that?
*buries face in palms, weeps bitterly*
-Sus, overseer, Cobaltchain
Post by: Mishrak on August 23, 2012, 12:03:49 pm
So my moat is half flooded, and we're urgently installing some floodgates just because we can. Would you please, just indulge me a bit, explain why exactly you decided to go to the side that was FULL OF WATER to install the mechanisms required to operate the floodgates with a lever? Of course that water is going to interrupt you and cause you to halt your job. However, when this occurred, you appeared to be stuck in the moat. Upon closer inspection however, you were found to be SLEEPING in the moat. The water is filling up and you're ASLEEP! What are you thinking! I'm still not sure how you didn't drown. After your lovely little nap, you then decided to go to the other side that was dry and install the mechanisms properly.
Considering making you a furnace operator,
Urist McOverlord
Post by: Pyro627 on August 23, 2012, 02:09:50 pm
Dear Military:
20 vs 1 and all of you manage to get killed? Without a single hit on the goblin spearmaster? Seriously, how do you do that?
*buries face in palms, weeps bitterly*
-Sus, overseer, Cobaltchain
Were they skilled and equipped military dwarves, or just random schmucks you drafted in?
Post by: Andux on August 23, 2012, 02:13:51 pm
Spoiler: Image (click to show/hide)
Dear Urist McCaravanDriver,
Words fail me. Your timing was exquisite; you managed to arrive at precisely the right moment to meet the first wagon of the human caravan head-on, just as they were beginning to cross the bridge.
Since neither one of you will be going anywhere for a while, you should have plenty of time to consider the consequenses of your actions.
Sincerely,
Your Exasperated Overlord
Post by: Canisaur on August 23, 2012, 02:42:30 pm
Post by: calico103 on August 24, 2012, 08:54:28 pm
When we assign trees to be cut, we expect you to chop all of them down. We do NOT expect you to fell a single tree, take the resulting log to the stockpile, go back to cut more trees, and repeat the process FOR EVERY TREE. Dude, seriously, there are six other dwarves, all having the hauling labor on. So please, be more efficient with the woodcutting and leave the hauling to them.
Unamused,
Calico and friend
Post by: MrCat on August 24, 2012, 10:28:41 pm
Listen, I get it. Goblins are scary. They're a strange greenish grey colour. They have weird, brightly coloured hair. Their sole purpose in life is to strangle your kitten to death.
I undersand. Really.
But I want you to remember that goblins do not possess the ability to magically teleport through fortifications and kill you while you attempt to load a ballista. So, in other words,STOP BEING SUCH A NOBLE AND JUST RELOAD THE BALLISTA. It isn't hard! All you have to do is take the arrow, cram it in the ballista, and fire it! You can do it with your eyes closed if that makes you feel better! Just, for the love of Armok, stop running away screaming from the ballista every time some goblin makes you wet your loincloth.
Sincerely,
The Keyboard
Post by: Pyro627 on August 25, 2012, 12:26:27 am
I really do appreciate that you rembered I told you to pull that lever, but I had told you to do so ages ago. Before the siege; it would have greatly helped with the siege if you had just activated it, but fending off all the goblins single-handedly is cool too. The problem is, you waited until I had lifted the alerted to pull that damn lever.
Anyway, you're the only one left alive now. I hope you're happy.
Post by: Berossus on August 25, 2012, 09:38:42 am
while i do not know why you insited on a gold door in your throne room since you already had a platinum one, we went great lengths to have such a golden door fashioned and installed.
Your complaint that the door leading into your quarters is technically not part of the quarters themselves is just plain ridiculous.
I hope you feel better with a golden door uselessly hinged to that wall now.
P.S. Appearently you do. May Armok have mercy on your soul.
Post by: Nathail on August 25, 2012, 09:52:07 am
Stop bringing every single person you have ever met with you.
Sincerely,
Armok
P.S. If you stop, I wont use comic sans for future notes.
Post by: NESgamer190 on August 25, 2012, 10:02:51 am
I understand that there is a creature occupying your space on a wall now and again, but it is not excusable when said creature is yourself, ya half wit! I swear, even elves can build stone walls better than you at times!
Failure to comply can and will end badly for said masons as they will be stuck to room detailing instead, and perhaps entry hall smoothing.
Comply, and you will get your minecart system that you request.
Sincerely,
Fortress Foreman
Post by: Urist McEngraver on August 25, 2012, 11:38:07 am
While I very highly commend your bravery in that 20 of you died from a siege,
and that noone trantrummed, it has come to my notice that in the second siege, you allowed
a voracious cave crawler to escape into the fountain. Please remedy this before more of you drunken beardies fall down it.
Sincerely yours, the Queen.
Post by: Mishrak on August 25, 2012, 12:20:57 pm
Ok. I know, it's my fault that we unleashed the flame shooting hellspawn (http://oi46.tinypic.com/34e3z11.jpg) into the fort. And I know that your masonry experience is next to zero. But would you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE not decide to take a NAP (http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=21cf6ys&s=6) before you build the last wall piece that's separating you from the LEGIONS OF HELL and our Metal industry? Your little nap cost us the life of our sheriff who will be memorialized as a hero because he did finish the wall, and ended up on the wrong side of it.
Sincerely,
Your unbelievably irritated overlord.
Post by: Hurize on August 25, 2012, 12:50:23 pm
Yours truly, A pissed off king
Post by: Flying Fortress on August 25, 2012, 01:58:53 pm
Dear Urist McHusk, Will you finally die in that pool of lavaDear king
Yours truly, A pissed off king
Thank you for providing a lovely little hot tub, but I'm sorry to dissapoint you, I won't be dying because I'm immune to magma.
Yours truly, the !!Urist McHusk!! who will be killing your entire fort
Post by: boathouse2112 on August 25, 2012, 02:17:16 pm
We understand that you've been very busy in the first years of your service for the fort, however the levers you were supposed to connect last spring were to stop the Orc siege from gaining entrance to our main area. Due to the death of most of our military following this event, you are being conscripted. Unfortunately, we've run out of armor, so grab your copper pickaxe and don your cloak!
Sincerely,
Upper Management
Post by: Splint on August 25, 2012, 02:27:04 pm
The rebel group seems to be doing fine, so please cease your constant dying off during world gen. I even fixed your broke skill tokens and made it so that you'd have the full range of things a race needs to survive, and even gave you two and a hald times the starting number of individuals compared to the other races. And you still fucking died out.
I can't start my wanted succession game until i have you raping and pillaging the shit out of everything.
Thank you,
Irritated Jester of Armok.
Post by: Supersheepman on August 25, 2012, 04:20:25 pm
Claiming my only forge while I happen to be in serious need of weapons and tools just so you can make a 30,000 dorfbuck ring is not acceptable. I can and will lock you away with our resident vampire.
Yours pissed off-fully,
Armok
Post by: Corai on August 25, 2012, 04:22:49 pm
Dear modbolds
The rebel group seems to be doing fine, so please cease your constant dying off during world gen. I even fixed your broke skill tokens and made it so that you'd have the full range of things a race needs to survive, and even gave you two and a hald times the starting number of individuals compared to the other races. And you still fucking died out.
I can't start my wanted succession game until i have you raping and pillaging the shit out of everything.
Thank you,
Irritated Jester of Armok.
Dear Jester of Armok,
WE HAVE A THOUSAND FUCKING RACES RAPING US THE SECOND WE WALK OUT OF OUR PORTALS. Do you expect us to survive? That is like telling a elf to chop down a forest.
Sincerely, The Empire
Post by: Splint on August 25, 2012, 04:52:05 pm
The frogmen fared no better than you, and they're barely your size and have access to more weapons. I gave them the same treatment numbers wise. And if it makes you feel better, the ferric elves, beak wolves, and dark stranglers were on thier way out too along with the northern sergals.
Sighed,
Jester of Armok.
Post by: ZzarkLinux on August 26, 2012, 06:23:03 pm
I saw you coming a mile away.
I didn't work full-time and work all weekend just so you could re-organize my stuff.
We've got too much to worry about with the rain/clouds/zombies/dearth of trees and grass,
so I hope you understand the overwhelming response to your mere existence.
You pathed directly to my farm plot and ruined it.
So when you bashed your way into our main hall,
you shouldn't have been surprised to see all the dwarves and 2 dogs staring you down.
You would've gotten my cats, but I de-pastured them so they properly 'fled' to the main hall.
We brought enough booze at embark that we have plenty of drinks.
And I didn't plant all my seeds, so we have backups.
If you can read this, then that means you've re-animated in our containment chamber.
You're going to be un-dead in there for a long time...
And everytime I walk by your chamber, I'm going to remember your 100+ pages of beating and smile.
-Overseer of RabbitHut
Post by: Vrakanas on August 26, 2012, 07:08:26 pm
Retort letter to Modbold Empire:
The frogmen fared no better than you, and they're barely your size and have access to more weapons. I gave them the same treatment numbers wise. And if it makes you feel better, the ferric elves, beak wolves, and dark stranglers were on thier way out too along with the northern sergals.
Sighed,
Jester of Armok.
Did someone say sergals? -puffs up and eats someone-
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 26, 2012, 10:32:33 pm
Im so glad you adopted me, but grabbing my hand and trying to chew my fingers while I make workshop orders, smacking the mouse while I try to draw the livings quarters to be dug out, and other..."assistance" isn't needed. Now, if you can help me to learn minecarts, aquifers, and megaprojects, we can talk.
Love,
Your servant
Dear dorfs of Spearhonors,
No, that really isn't how that's supposed to look. Please ignore the efforts of the giant cat (Beware her deadly cute!) to redesign the dining room.
the Overseer
Post by: jesternario on August 27, 2012, 10:36:05 pm
When I turn off all of your professions, don't go and put an animal in a stockpile, don't go harvest plants, don't do ANYTHING that you need a skill active to do. Just CONDUCT THE FREAKING MEETING!!!!
Yours truly,
The player.
Post by: tahujdt on August 28, 2012, 12:50:37 am
Dear Carly McKitteh,
Im so glad you adopted me, but grabbing my hand and trying to chew my fingers while I make workshop orders, smacking the mouse while I try to draw the livings quarters to be dug out, and other..."assistance" isn't needed. Now, if you can help me to learn minecarts, aquifers, and megaprojects, we can talk.
Love,
Your servant
Dear dorfs of Spearhonors,
No, that really isn't how that's supposed to look. Please ignore the efforts of the giant cat (Beware her deadly cute!) to redesign the dining room.
the Overseer
Dear big monkey with food,
Why will you let this "mouse" help with the design, but not me? Don't ever trust rodents!
Also, if I let you finish the design, it will probably involve killing kittens someway. Now, try killing ferrets, and then we can talk.
Yours fuzzily,
Carly McKitteh
P.S. +1 sock to whoever gets that ferret reference.
Post by: Reudh on August 28, 2012, 08:02:14 am
Please stop running away from the unconscious raven adorning our roof, put there by one of our roving guards, 'Longland'. It won't hurt you, it won't wake up suddenly, and if it does, it'll slowly and painfully drag itself away before expiring in a pool of its own viscera.
There are more dangerous things out there, like the Goblins, the Mountain Barbarians out for our blood, and the Spawn who just want to kill us and kill us and kill us.
Thankyou in advance,
Your temporary Overseer,
Reudh.
Post by: Loud Whispers on August 28, 2012, 08:35:41 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on August 28, 2012, 07:39:56 pm
P.S. +1 sock to whoever gets that ferret reference.
The closing thing I've got is Filmcow's Ferrets.
Post by: tahujdt on August 28, 2012, 09:30:42 pm
Get Fuzzy.P.S. +1 sock to whoever gets that ferret reference.
The closing thing I've got is Filmcow's Ferrets.
Post by: MadocComadrin on August 29, 2012, 01:37:16 pm
If that's the scourge, this must be the bane:Scourge of dwarfkind.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hammerstar on August 29, 2012, 02:20:30 pm
When I summon you to the Trade Depot and turn off all your other labors, you're supposed to go to the trade depot. You are not supposed to go pick plump helmets in the fields. Let the children do that. You are not to go to your room and sleep after picking plump helmets, you are to go to the trade depot. Do not go on break for three months, go to the trade depot.
Forget it, you just got accused of being our vampire, while the actual vampire now has your old job as the broker. Enjoy your cage.
Post by: Splint on August 29, 2012, 02:32:03 pm
I understand and appreciate that you want those dead crundles and such for the butchering, so they may fuel our trade in and possible global monopoly on bone crafts. But the caverns are a dangerous place. A soldier already lost an ear and another was hospitalized down there, so just let the crundle bones stay where they belong.
Signed,
Your for once understanding and tolerant Overseer
Dear soldiers of Glacialhell
Good job curbstomping those goblins despite your shitty gear and poor training. You earned those goblin weapons you now wield against them. However, don't get too attached, because when we find a damn magma vent, we'll be gettin' you some good n propa killin' tools and armor.
Signed,
The Astounded Overseer of Glacialhell
P.S. Bet you assholes are glad I made you all carry those daggers aren't you!
Post by: StLeibowitz on August 29, 2012, 04:15:56 pm
Leaves? Seriously? We're a dwarven group called the Dark Communion and our symbol is a bunch of fucking leaves?
After learning that our glorious community's symbol is some kind of fig foliage, I have been forced to the conclusion that you are a bunch of elves, elf-lovers, or work for that elven "civilization" that visits us each year, with the goal of undermining (ha!) our incredibly beardy and storied culture. The next dwarf caravan I see coming across the drawbridge gets dumped in river, and they can figure it out from there.
With undying irritation,
The Ruling Council of the Commune of Ironhand
Post by: Eric Blank on August 30, 2012, 04:54:16 pm
WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?
Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on August 30, 2012, 09:23:39 pm
Dear Military:Dear Sus,
20 vs 1 and all of you manage to get killed? Without a single hit on the goblin spearmaster? Seriously, how do you do that?
*buries face in palms, weeps bitterly*
-Sus, overseer, Cobaltchain
What part of spearmaster do you not get? By the time the skilled dwarves got there, it had honed its skills on the newbs. Train and arm us better next time!
Sincerely,
Ghost-Martyrs of Cobaltchain.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,You can toggle hauling labors, you know...
When we assign trees to be cut, we expect you to chop all of them down. We do NOT expect you to fell a single tree, take the resulting log to the stockpile, go back to cut more trees, and repeat the process FOR EVERY TREE. Dude, seriously, there are six other dwarves, all having the hauling labor on. So please, be more efficient with the woodcutting and leave the hauling to them.
Unamused,
Calico and friend
Dear modboldsDear IJoA,
The rebel group seems to be doing fine, so please cease your constant dying off during world gen. I even fixed your broke skill tokens and made it so that you'd have the full range of things a race needs to survive, and even gave you two and a hald times the starting number of individuals compared to the other races. And you still fucking died out.
I can't start my wanted succession game until i have you raping and pillaging the shit out of everything.
Thank you,
Irritated Jester of Armok.
Try removing the more powerful races.
P.S. +1 sock to whoever gets that ferret reference.Get Fuzzy's rivalry between Bucky and Fungo? EDIT: You seem to have already answered your own question.
Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?
Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.
Also, was the open space connected to a way out? If not, that dwarf is smarter than you!
Post by: Akura on August 31, 2012, 12:05:23 pm
What the hell are you doing? You're just standing on one arbritrary spot, claiming you're installing a colony, but doing absolutely nothing untill you get too thirsty to work(in fact, I'm surprised they didn't die of dehydration/starvation). And then, when I built a wall over that spot, you kept complaining about how you couldn't reach your favorite circle-jerk spot. According to DFHack, there weren't any honeybees colonies on the map(except our own), and when I converted all the other colonies to honeybees, you still did nothing!
Sincerely hoping you die in a fire
Overseer
Dear Spirits Possessing Dwarves:
Stop please. Every single artifact you've made has been a piece of crap with a picture of some insignificant historical event on it, including a statue of a famous scorpion that settled nowhere near our fort, a figurine OF the statue of the famous scorpion, and an image of our halluconegen-addicted vampire king who. Every non-possession mood has generally either made something useful, interesting, or used a good skill.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Sazkoul or however the hell your name is spelled:
I must profess my amazement and admiration of surviving a Deep Crow attack that killed five other dwarves, including the CMD. Following this, in your anguish, you dragged yourself out of bed, after suffering a shattered hip, to the butcher shop in what is my first broody mood ever. While bonecarving is a relatively useless skill, and the item you made not all the worthwhile, that was still pretty cool.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Swordsquad:
Oops, I forgot to make you swords before sending against that Deep Crow. My bad. Thankfully, the axe squad(who *was* properly armed) dealt with it.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Legendary Gem Cutter:
A tourmaline barrel. A tourmaline barrel?! How the crap is that even possible?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Dear Baroness:
Why are you forbidding the export or armor stands? We don't even export armor stands! If you're going to ban exports, at least ban the export of something that makes reasonable sense to export, such as ▓███▓▒░
Please continue the fine work, madam. No seriously, ignore the blood on this message.
Sincerely,
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 01, 2012, 06:37:52 pm
Please stop hiding from me. I'm twenty levels down and still haven't found you. I neeeeeeed you for my awesome metal and glass industry! also, to roast goblins. Come onnnnnnnn...
the sad overseer of Firegears
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 01, 2012, 09:09:23 pm
Also, banning something you wouldn't do just prevents her from making another mandate. Treasure it.
Nyxalinth: Dude, the first cavern layer isn't always within 20 levels. Try looking, oh, 100 down and then complain.
Post by: Clover Magic on September 01, 2012, 11:39:27 pm
Why in the holy mother of fuck will none of you put on your shoes? There's forty perfectly good masterwork steel high boots sitting there in the armor stockpile, waiting for you. It's in your uniform. None of it's forbidden. You've managed all the other shiny bits of your uniform. So why the fuck are all of you so opposed to the boots? Is there some sort of hippie freedom no-shoes commune going on here that I'm not aware of?
Please put on your boots before those forgotten beasties in the caverns make you wish you had them when they ROT YOUR FEET OFF.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Cryptclear
Post by: Splint on September 01, 2012, 11:46:26 pm
Those offices are for the sheriff and foreman, not for the average jerkoff to eat in. We have a nice communal inn and dining hall that the woodworkers too the time to build, so eat in there. I had to lock those residences to keep you little morons out there.
And hi, our nation is hemmorraging people right now so get in there, make friends, get hooked up with said friends, AND MAKE WITH THE BABIES. Bushik is starting a party by the well, so he's got the right idea! And he already has a fiance!
Wow. that's a phrase I NEVER thought I'd read come from my keyboard.
Signed,
The Overseer.
Post by: TheDarkStar on September 01, 2012, 11:49:46 pm
Dear entire military of Cryptclear:
Why in the holy mother of fuck will none of you put on your shoes? There's forty perfectly good masterwork steel high boots sitting there in the armor stockpile, waiting for you. It's in your uniform. None of it's forbidden. You've managed all the other shiny bits of your uniform. So why the fuck are all of you so opposed to the boots? Is there some sort of hippie freedom no-shoes commune going on here that I'm not aware of?
Please put on your boots before those forgotten beasties in the caverns make you wish you had them when they ROT YOUR FEET OFF.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Cryptclear
They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.
Dear Urist McWrestlers,
Why do you only pick up armor and weapons when no one is attacking? I assign you to a squad in an emergency and tell you to put on steel mail and take a weapon, but you decide to wrestle the goblins to death.
Post by: Clover Magic on September 01, 2012, 11:53:57 pm
They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.
Nope. Not forbidden or marked for dumping, fresh off the forge and straight into the stockpile. All of the military even have the little green checkmarks in their equipment screen saying "I HAS BOOTS!", and like I said, they've put on the entirety of the rest of their uniform. It's just the boots they refuse to put on. It's been like a year now since I made the first pairs. I don't get it.
Edit:
Also, idle dwarves, I know I haven't streamlined the newcomers into labor yet, and since Cryptclear is frozen over all year, I know it's not the most exciting place and so you may be bored. But please, stop going outside and playing chicken with the zombies. You may outrun them, but one trip-up is all it takes.
Post by: Splint on September 02, 2012, 12:06:14 am
They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.
Nope. Not forbidden or marked for dumping, fresh off the forge and straight into the stockpile. All of the military even have the little green checkmarks in their equipment screen saying "I HAS BOOTS!", and like I said, they've put on the entirety of the rest of their uniform. It's just the boots they refuse to put on. It's been like a year now since I made the first pairs. I don't get it.
Edit:
Also, idle dwarves, I know I haven't streamlined the newcomers into labor yet, and since Cryptclear is frozen over all year, I know it's not the most exciting place and so you may be bored. But please, stop going outside and playing chicken with the zombies. You may outrun them, but one trip-up is all it takes.
Is it set to replace, or over clothes? thier shoes may be the problem there. But then I'm going to assuming the uniforms are indeed set to replace thier civvie attire, and that they may have messed up while putting something else on.
Post by: Clover Magic on September 02, 2012, 12:18:03 am
Is it set to replace, or over clothes? thier shoes may be the problem there. But then I'm going to assuming the uniforms are indeed set to replace thier civvie attire, and that they may have messed up while putting something else on.
Yep. Whatever, I give up. :P They can all get foot-rot for all I care, it's funny but frustrating.
Post by: Splint on September 02, 2012, 12:21:26 am
Post by: Clover Magic on September 02, 2012, 12:33:34 am
You could try manually assiging them, though that may be tedious. And do they have socks as part of thier uniform? They be refusing to put the boots on because they don't have any unclaimed socks for thier uniforms, though I may be horribly wrong.
Nope, no socks, here is my uniform: steel breastplate, mail shirt, helm, gauntlets, greaves, shield, high boots, and steel/silver weapon depending on squad, plus a leather cloak. Everything is set to replace.
Oh wait, there we go, someone just stuck some boots on. So apparently they're just lazy fuckers. Gotta love dwarves.
Post by: Splint on September 02, 2012, 12:35:27 am
Post by: Clover Magic on September 02, 2012, 12:45:22 am
And to re-rail the thread, one last thing, dear elves:
What the fuck am I supposed to do with a pair of giant lice?
-Cryptclear Overseer
Post by: Splint on September 02, 2012, 01:01:57 am
That's all giant insects are good for anyway...
Post by: Wrex on September 02, 2012, 02:12:45 am
Sincerely, Your former overseer.
Post by: MythagoWoods on September 02, 2012, 05:47:55 am
STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!
Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with. I had 190 dwarves in Spring. It's now Summer and I have 225. The only increase has been babies. If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.
-The Angry Babysitter
Post by: Lielac on September 02, 2012, 09:17:18 am
Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,
STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!
Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with. I had 190 dwarves in Spring. It's now Summer and I have 225. The only increase has been babies. If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.
-The Angry Babysitter
Dear Angry Babysitter,
Try going into d_init.txt and changing BABY_CHILD_CAP to say [BABY_CHILD_CAP:0:0]. It won't abort the already extant pregnancies, but it will stop any more from happening once the last wave has passed. If there are still too many squalling mouths, I suggest magma and/or this setup:
(http://i.imgur.com/TEW6g.png)
The cyan lines are upright spike traps, connected to the lever on the other side of the door. Send the mother into the lever room to pull it repeatedly and lock the door behind her. Her mobile booze-guzzlers will attempt to follow and the spike traps will destroy them. This also works on anyone or anything else, as spike repeaters, unlike more conventional traps, do not distinguish between friend and foe.
Best regards for continued unfortunate accidents,
Armok
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 02, 2012, 10:27:21 am
Akura: Beekeepers will sometimes go stand where a hive used to be, even if someone else already grabbed it. Don't have more than one beekeeper. In fact, avoid beekeeping--it's more work than it's worth, what with needing to make hives, screw presses and jugs (which have no, minimal, and no use outside of beekeeping) and only getting a little alcohol, a tiny bit of cooking material, and some tiny bit more crafting material out of it, as well as needing two completely and one mostly specialized professions to do it, one of which (a completely) the skill level actually matters for.
Also, banning something you wouldn't do just prevents her from making another mandate. Treasure it.
Nyxalinth: Dude, the first cavern layer isn't always within 20 levels. Try looking, oh, 100 down and then complain.
Well, I usually hit it much sooner that 20, much less a hundred :P Once I hit it in six.
Signed, Nyx, Who is Not a Dude :D
Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,
STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!
Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with. I had 190 dwarves in Spring. It's now Summer and I have 225. The only increase has been babies. If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.
-The Angry Babysitter
I feel you. I put the baby count to 0 once I hit 65 population (pop cap is set for 60) and the facetious wenches immediately squirted out five more. Like, Immediately after setting it.
Me: *sets count*
Urist McPregant has given birth to a boy x5
Six months pass, and nothing. Then suddenly, another kid. I'm guessing she'd just gotten pregnant right before I set the cap.
Dear dwarfettes of Firegears,
You drop one more sprog after I set the init for no more babies, and both you and your brat are going into the magma when I find it. Population is sitting at 75, and it will STAY THERE. Or else, I'm sure I can arrange a little tea party for you both with the goblins when they inevitably come to say hello when you push us to 80.
Not amused,
the Overseer of Firegears
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 02, 2012, 04:05:23 pm
The checkmarks mean "There are enough boots for me to has all you told me to has."They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.
Nope. Not forbidden or marked for dumping, fresh off the forge and straight into the stockpile. All of the military even have the little green checkmarks in their equipment screen saying "I HAS BOOTS!", and like I said, they've put on the entirety of the rest of their uniform. It's just the boots they refuse to put on. It's been like a year now since I made the first pairs. I don't get it.
Quote
Edit:Just let them die as a reminder for the next group.
Also, idle dwarves, I know I haven't streamlined the newcomers into labor yet, and since Cryptclear is frozen over all year, I know it's not the most exciting place and so you may be bored. But please, stop going outside and playing chicken with the zombies. You may outrun them, but one trip-up is all it takes.
Or locate repeat offenders and lock them into aboveground glass rooms. Same idea.
Success! About damn time. (http://i47.tinypic.com/hx93yv.png)Breed enough lice to set against an invasion or megabeast or something. It only takes one to annoy a goblin, and a single pair can start annoying a giant within weeks! They're much more efficient than normal lice.
And to re-rail the thread, one last thing, dear elves:
What the fuck am I supposed to do with a pair of giant lice?
-Cryptclear Overseer
Dear Urist Mcthrall: Mind Flayers possess incredible mental faculties, as well as powerful psionic abilities. You do not. Your stupidity has caused you to be filled with high velocity lead projectiles, as well as your new master.What part of "does not possess mental faculties" do you not understand? Thralls aren't geniuses, and they kill all of their teachers. What do you expect?
Sincerely, Your former overseer.
Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,Dear babysitter,
STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!
Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with. I had 190 dwarves in Spring. It's now Summer and I have 225. The only increase has been babies. If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.
-The Angry Babysitter
We're willing to keep having babies if it means we get a new statue garden. Thanks for informing us on the cause and effect! Now if only we could figure out why we're having babies...oh, well.
Ms. Nyx, do you play with caverns?Nyxalinth: Dude, the first cavern layer isn't always within 20 levels. Try looking, oh, 100 down and then complain.
Well, I usually hit it much sooner that 20, much less a hundred :P Once I hit it in six.
Signed, Nyx, Who is Not a Dude :D
Post by: Splint on September 02, 2012, 04:22:54 pm
We've only had one birth. There's the inn, two wells and a nice garden around some exquisite trees (hey humans tend to appreciate nature before we completly wreck it like a desperate convict with his new cellmate,) You all have many friends, several have lovers, GET MARRIED ALREADY AND REVIVE THE CIVILIZATION.
The lack of autumn migrants worries me enough, I don't need you lot not making babies compounding things that will get worse once the invaders are turned back on. Hell I seem to be having the opposite problem as our angry babysitter.
Signed,
The Overseer.
----
To the Beekeepers of Ivoryhomes, of The Ivory Confederacy,
You speed at collecting hives amazes and confuses me. Whichever one fo you has the highest skill gets thier own house, with storage for jugs and even a screwpress to call your own. Maybe I'll make more hives and try to get industrial beekeeping going for shits and giggles.
Enjoy,
The Overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 02, 2012, 04:49:59 pm
Dear humans of The Ivory Confederacy,Clearly, you two need to transport your fortresses to the same world for a while to exchange dwarves.
We've only had one birth. There's the inn, two wells and a nice garden around some exquisite trees (hey humans tend to appreciate nature before we completly wreck it like a desperate convict with his new cellmate,) You all have many friends, several have lovers, GET MARRIED ALREADY AND REVIVE THE CIVILIZATION.
The lack of autumn migrants worries me enough, I don't need you lot not making babies compounding things that will get worse once the invaders are turned back on. Hell I seem to be having the opposite problem as our angry babysitter.
Signed,
The Overseer.
Post by: NESgamer190 on September 02, 2012, 05:55:21 pm
What in Armok's beard are you dwarves doing? You are not to be sparring, but rather attempting to kill the forgotten dimetrodon with wings and deadly dust! The bloody thing's headed up the shaft with the intent to kill the fortress, and you are more worried about your sparring? Get all your posteriors down there and kill it! I will not accept failure as an option, nor flooding the shaft with magma due to precious cargo down there. Water flooding's NOT possible, due to the fact the dimetrodon can swim.
Yours absolutely berserk:
NESgamer190
Post by: Dr House on September 02, 2012, 06:44:41 pm
Stop causing cave-ins on your fellow dwarves. The last one tantrumed and the fortress went to shit.
Quit it, or some "Unfortunate accidents" will be occouring in the next days.
That's for you too, UristMcNoble. Quit being a dick, or you'll have to take a trip to the "sauna" room.
Regards, the crazy ruler of GoldGears.
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 02, 2012, 09:47:58 pm
I do indeed, but given other aspects of my current fort are being wonky, I wouldn't be surprised if that was, too.
Dear Babyfactories,
I warned you. I also set the init file to ZERO GODDAMNED BABIES. How you're continuing to have them, I don't know, but if this continues I'll be making a new Mommy Squad to deal with the goblins when they come, and no one will give a shit, because engravings and gold statues in every room.
Me
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 02, 2012, 10:06:23 pm
GreatWyrmGold,How many layers? You're normally suppose to have like 15 layers or soil and stone, minumum, between the bottom of the surface and the top of the first cavern layer.
I do indeed, but given other aspects of my current fort are being wonky, I wouldn't be surprised if that was, too.
Quote
Dear Babyfactories,Wait a few months. The baby cap won't stop existing pregnancies, only prevent new ones.
I warned you. I also set the init file to ZERO GODDAMNED BABIES. How you're continuing to have them, I don't know, but if this continues I'll be making a new Mommy Squad to deal with the goblins when they come, and no one will give a shit, because engravings and gold statues in every room.
Me
Post by: Manze on September 02, 2012, 10:36:37 pm
babies are bad. Stop having them. you've had 25+ this year so far alone. You figure with a fort name like that there'd be less babymaking...
Yours,
Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on September 02, 2012, 10:42:57 pm
Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?
Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.
Also, was the open space connected to a way out? If not, that dwarf is smarter than you!
I meant open space as in a tile which they can freely stand on, and yes, from there she would have had a path back out. The moron decided she wanted to take a dive regardless.
Post by: Poindexterity on September 03, 2012, 01:10:05 am
Please bring your dead friends remains to their final resting place BEFORE looting them of those precious precious socks.
Post by: Sus on September 03, 2012, 01:42:39 am
You are not supposed to be lemmings. Please stop acting like them and wandering out into a siege to fill a waterskin from the brook or grab the gear of your squadmate who just got himself fucking killed! >:(
Dear civilians,
"Pull the Lever" means "Drop everything and pull the goddamn lever right the fuck now!", not "Feel free to ignore fortress-saving lever pulling order until next year or so..."
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 03, 2012, 07:53:59 am
...Well, he got out OK, so that was a good idea...I meant open space as in a tile which they can freely stand on, and yes, from there she would have had a path back out. The moron decided she wanted to take a dive regardless.Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?
Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.
Also, was the open space connected to a way out? If not, that dwarf is smarter than you!
Dear idlers,Dear Poindexterity,
Please bring your dead friends remains to their final resting place BEFORE looting them of those precious precious socks.
Our feet are cold! Make or get us some spare socks so we can replace them before our friends die.
Dear civilians,Burrows.
"Pull the Lever" means "Drop everything and pull the goddamn lever right the fuck now!", not "Feel free to ignore fortress-saving lever pulling order until next year or so..."
Or dwarves with nothing else to do, locked into the room. Maybe next time you should station a squad of civilians in the lever room, lock the door, and THEN have them pull levers.
Post by: Splint on September 03, 2012, 10:38:12 am
Dear military,
You are not supposed to be lemmings. Please stop acting like them and wandering out into a siege to fill a waterskin from the brook or grab the gear of your squadmate who just got himself fucking killed! >:(
Don't let them carry any supplies then. :P
---
Dear humans of Ivoryhomes
NEED MORE PEOPLE.
We just had two deaths from glitched floors falling on people, one of them making a man vestigial to the community except as a soldier or farm hand. MAKE WIT DA BABIES.
Signed,
The Overseer.
Dear elven traders,
GTFO. We're done trading. Or do you want to end up like that last elf caravan?
Signed,
The Overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 03, 2012, 10:43:34 am
Post by: Splint on September 03, 2012, 10:45:41 am
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 03, 2012, 11:03:30 am
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 04, 2012, 09:07:30 pm
You went without food for a day or two, and the resulting tantrums you initiated completely halted food production, dooming yet another fortress. Ironically, it was your slacking that caused the shortage in the first place, but let's not point the finger of blame. Let's just erase everything you've ever known with the touch of a button and move on.
Sincerely,
Your Former Overseer.
Post by: Sus on September 05, 2012, 04:03:46 am
In case you haven't noticed, there's a horde of goblins out there. Actually, there's three hordes of goblins and two additional hordes of trolls.
Do you really think this would be the best time to try and make a run for the Mountainhomes? Really?
Well, looks like you did. Enjoy your -sandstone coffin-.
Or, you could have waited a while until all the goblins and trolls were down in the trapdoor pit, all busy dying, and then made your way out alive.
You Armok-damned idiot. ::)
I would bitch more about my self-named dorf missing his baron's title, but turns out some tantruming bastard killed him shortly after the siege, so...
Post by: Callista on September 05, 2012, 11:01:10 am
When I said "Stay in the burrow", I meant "stay in the burrow", not "wander across no-man's-land to get to a part of the burrow on the other side of an active battlefield". If you ever walk again (which is doubtful enough considering the extreme incompetence of Urist McDoctor), I'm putting you on permanent rock-hauling duty.
Post by: Zecro_The_Scourge on September 05, 2012, 02:08:57 pm
(Legendary miner militia :l)
Post by: enizer on September 05, 2012, 05:51:18 pm
dear Urist McMayor, aka barrellover
when i got a mayor that demanded barrels, i was very happy, finally someone would not ask for platinum cabinets, bronze mini-forges, or other useless nonsence..
then you wanted three more barrels, ok.. fair enough. i made you your barrels
again you ordered more barrels..
now less then two years later, we have no less then 47 empty barrels(yes i counted) and over 100 barrels in use..
we had to send out woodcutters specifically for more wood for barrels you demanded..
and to top it all off, we have plenty of sand, magma, and fire clay.
can we please make some large glass or stoneware pots, and use the wood for bins?
this is getting a bit excessive
sincerely, the leader of a binless fortress
dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?
signed: worried about your sanity
and last but not least,
Urist McCleaner
re: ledge cleaning
as you know, we are in a very cold part of the world, so this whole winter, we went to a big lake, put floodgates in the side of it while it was frozen, and prepared to dump the entire lake into a reservoir the instant it thawed.
now, considering this:
was 2 seconds after opening the floodgates the best time in your mind to clean the ledge?
contemplate this, as you now lie, 3z levels deep in water, with no good swimmers in the fortress, we closed the floodgates as soon as we could...
if you make our reservoir permanently taste of drowned dwarf, i promise you, the slate engraved in your memory will not be all that nice
sincerely, the leader already planning a new reservoir.
Post by: Lielac on September 05, 2012, 06:17:15 pm
dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?
signed: worried about your sanity
Dear Worried,
Haven't ye heard o' th' legends? Th' unicorns are th' most vicious creatures in th' realm! I'm protecting th' fortress from crumbling ta its end, ye fool!
Signed: Selfless Hunter (But wouldnae mind more booze)
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 05, 2012, 09:55:58 pm
dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?
signed: worried about your sanity
Dear Worried,
Haven't ye heard o' th' legends? Th' unicorns are th' most vicious creatures in th' realm! I'm protecting th' fortress from crumbling ta its end, ye fool!
Signed: Selfless Hunter (But wouldnae mind more booze)
P.S, also, unicorn meat is delicious even when uncooked, and unicorn hide is tough, soft, and pleasantly warms me.
Post by: Eric Blank on September 06, 2012, 01:18:01 am
Please, please siege us. If you haven't noticed, your ambush parties have been getting their asses kicked. Clearly, this means we have totally awesome defenses and present a serious challenge. And none of your men have ever made it into the heart of the fortress, to gaze upon our wondrous riches. Clearly, you should multiply the difficulty of successfully breaching our defenses by the level of secrecy and mystery surrounding the fortress, and come to conclusion that we are wealthy and powerful like gods. Gods that are an affront to your very existence.
So please, siege the fuck out of this place. And don't hold back to "test the defenses" or some shit; we need you to throw your entire goddamned population and every last mount and troll at us, and murder fucking everything.
Ignore your scouts that may or may not have survived to reported a massive zombie apocalypse. They are clearly just terrified of our new shock troops. Shock and awe is the name of the game, after all. They're pretty fucking ugly, and there's a lot of them, so put your war face on and man up.
Sincerely, the entire population of Crystaltombs. Kick our dirty asses into a fine paste!
P.s. you're all a bunch of scrawny little tree hugging cowards and we all took turns raping your mothers. Also, Armok sucks balls. Our gods' balls.
Post by: Berossus on September 06, 2012, 05:03:21 am
I assigned to you a set of mastercrafted Adamantine armor,
if you insist on wearing your XXXpigtailglovesXXX instead,
dont you
a) complain about tattered clothing
b) losing fingers.
sincerely,
Master of the Armory
Post by: Akura on September 07, 2012, 11:48:02 am
That was pathetic. You're a blob, with a shell, made of water. You're name is both appropriate and badass. You have poisonous vapor. And then your shell was shot off by an off-duty soldier still carrying his bow, with one shot. You tried to take a swing at him, but missed and ended up tripping down one ramp level, destroying yourself in the process. The dwarf then proceeded to wash your poisonous vapors off, presumably with your remains, and has shown no ill effects since.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear guy installing door:
Stop telling me you "cannot reach site", when you're standing on the goddamn site. Nobody else has had any problems installing doors in the exact same shaft above and below you.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear spirits:
I know I told you to stop giving me useless crap artifacts with useless historical information. Now you give me a single piece of wood, with the name and face of some guy with absolutely no context. Needless to say, I am dissapoint.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear haulers:
Why the hell are you mixing adamantine strands with the regular cloth? The cloth stockpile specifically does not allow adamantine thread, while there's another stockpile near the adamantine processing facility specifically for adamantine thread only. And if I catch ANY of you weavers trying to turn that thread into cloth, then I will show you the meaning of "Losing is Fun".
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: crazysheep on September 07, 2012, 11:53:48 am
Dear haulers:Don't worry, they won't do that unless you specifically tell them to Weave Metal Cloth. However, you will find doctors using adamantine strands for suturing.. ;)
Why the hell are you mixing adamantine strands with the regular cloth? The cloth stockpile specifically does not allow adamantine thread, while there's another stockpile near the adamantine processing facility specifically for adamantine thread only. And if I catch ANY of you weavers trying to turn that thread into cloth, then I will show you the meaning of "Losing is Fun".
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 07, 2012, 03:05:05 pm
WHYYYYYYYY must your moods be possessions? I keep hoping for a legendary glass guy. All I've gotten out of you fools at Firegears is a glass harp. Metalpraise, you better not disappoint.
Annoyed,
the Boss
ETA: And it's a bracelet, aka Kobold Attractant.
Post by: pisskop on September 07, 2012, 03:11:58 pm
Dear Glassworkers of Metalpraise and Firegears,
WHYYYYYYYY must your moods be possessions? I keep hoping for a legendary glass guy. All I've gotten out of you fools at Firegears is a glass harp. Metalpraise, you better not disappoint.
Annoyed,
the Boss
ETA: And it's a bracelet, aka Kobold Attractant.
A glass harp is irony on an epic scale. Epic as in Greek epic, of course. Think about it. Let it [hint] resonate [/hint] with you.
Post by: darkgloomie on September 07, 2012, 03:15:23 pm
I'm sorry for flooding the shaft. My understanding of physics is still wonky. However, the shaft flooded slowly enough that you got to learn to swim pretty well.
So, tell me: why don't you leave to go mine a different place? I need you.
Resigned,
your overseer.
Post by: arclance on September 08, 2012, 01:16:01 am
To: The Overseer
The body found in the tower construction site has been identified as the Human Diplomat from Dur Lapa.
As the body was badly damaged identification was made by inspection of the clothing on the body.
Since this is not the body of a Dwarf we request instructions on what to do with it.
Signed
Guild Master : Refuse Hauling Guild
Duke Fath Komanunib (Spreadrags)
To: Milita Commander, Captain Of The Guard, and Chief Medical Dwarf
I have been informed that the body of a Human Diplomat from Dur Lapa has been found dead in the lower levels of the great tower.
You are hereby ordered to determine his cause of death and the reason he was in the tower.
Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge
To: The Overseer
CC: Milita Commander, Captain Of The Guard
I have determined that the Human Diplomat died of blood loss due to having both of his arms torn off.
The rest of his body was covered in may scrapes, bruises, and puncture wounds.
Signed
Chief Medical Dwarf
Zon Astekast (Sabresafe)
To: The Overseer
CC: Captain Of The Guard, Chief Medical Dwarf
Upon review of the Chief Medical Dwarfs report on the death of the Human Diplomat and my own inspection of the body I have determined how he died.
I believe the Diplomats curiosity got the better of him and he hiked to the tower construction site on top of the nearby mountain.
He likely attracted the attention of the local wildlife, in this case Giant Badgers, which followed him to the already completed lower levels of the tower through the surface acess stairway.
There were no wittiness to his death because all construction was taking place on the upper levels of the tower.
All surface access to the construction site has been sealed for the safety of the workers.
Signed
Milita Commander : Squad - Armors of Perfection
Edem Amosttomus Togalossram (Edem Townshoved the Stormy Fortunes)
Founding Member of Diamondgorge
Approximately One Year Later.
To: The Administrators of Dorenerib
I have met with the new Human Diplomat from Dur Lapa.
We discussed the results of the investigation into the death of the last Human Diplomat.
He seemed satisfied with the results of the investigation and the fact that we returned the Diplomats body to him.
Hopefully we can avoid war with the humans as they only nation that trades large amounts of bronze with us.
Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge
To: The Overseer
I am dismayed to report that a mason died today during the construction of the tower.
Three Dwarves were removing the scaffolding from the edge of the tower and the left a piece unsupported.
While this piece fell without damaging the tower it was so large that the airflow around the piece pulled Urist McTerminalVelocity off the edge of the tower.
He fell 28 Urists to his death. I am told that his body exploded on impact.
Since he died through no fault of his own I ask that he be buried as a honored member of the masons guild.
One of the other Dwarves suffered minor injuries and is recovering in the hospital.
Signed
Chief Architect
Guild Master : Masons Guild
Udil Solonmogshum (Flagelbows)
To: Milita Commander Amosttomus
CC: Everyone
The construction accident that claimed the life of Urist McTerminalVelocity yesterday also caused the death of another Human Diplomat.
As the Human caravan was leaving Urist McTerminalVelocity fell from the tower due to the incompetence of two Masons, Urist McMason and Urist McMASON.
When Urist McTerminalVelocity hit the ground his head was torn from his body and flew 17 Urists landing in the lap of the Human Diplomat.
Witnesses say that the Diplomat proceed to rapidly climb to tower cursing about how he was going to tell off whoever was responsible for him being hit with a severed head.
Unfortuantely the Diplomat was elderly and out of shape and he died of a heart attack shortly after reaching the top the tower.
All residents should be on alert in case the humans decide to attack after the loss of a second diplomat.
The funeral of Urist McTerminalVelocity will be held tomorrow in the copper mines.
Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge
To: Urist McMason and Urist McMASON
CC: Construction Guilds
Effective immediately you are reassigned to the construction of the early warning watchtowers on the borders of our lands.
Unfortunately we are on military alert so we cannot give you a military escort at this time.
Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge
To: Urist McUndertaker
Urist McTerminalVelocity is to be buried tomorrow with full honors as he died performing his duty due to no fault of his own.
Due to his sacrifice (and awesome death) he will be entombed in the copper mines adjacent to the Urist McPincussion Memorial Hospital.
Urist McMason and Urist McMASON are hereby reassigned to be buried in wooden coffins in the soil layer 2 pet cemetery upon their deaths.
Signed
Overseer Edansazir (Stirredbridges)
Founder of Diamondgorge
Post by: jaxy15 on September 08, 2012, 02:09:52 am
Stop stealing my fucking hunter's arrows, this isn't funny.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: Olith McHuman on September 08, 2012, 06:01:01 am
Why do you always enter the map on the south or west side? The south side is blocked off by a river, and you will get mobbed by zombies. The west side is coated with deadly sludge (not that it matters, the zombies will kill you first, and then you will join them). You'll still die if you enter from the north or the east, but you may live a bit longer.
Dear caravans,
Please make it closer to the fort before getting torn to bits by the zombies.
Post by: darkgloomie on September 08, 2012, 11:43:25 am
... How did you get stuck on the other side of the river? Do I need to open the /happy maximum fun chamber/ again to ensure you don't walk on the other side of a frozen river? And anyway, why did it take you ten frickin' days to give me a notice?
Post by: Slayerhero90 on September 08, 2012, 01:56:54 pm
To The Sacrificial Lambs of the fortress Hellseasons,
Congratulations. You are the first demon-bloods to be sent to the evil lands. We are unsure of what trials you will face, but I recommend burrowing into the ground, as the dwarves do. Our scouts found there to be a river, plentiful metal, clay, and little soil. We are sorry that you were distressed when you learned this information. We do apologize for the inconvenience. Think about it this way: if you survive, it is proven we can triumph in dangerous lands.From, Srod Tekolsvei.
2 LETTERS RECIEVED!
Dear Srod Tekolsvei,
All is well. We've had to kill the same echidna twice already, it's up again, it's raining fruity smelling blood, so I assume that it's elf, we've been chased by a barn owl, rotting of course, and death doen't keep plants from growing. The only bad thing is that part of our embark is in a normal biome. We'll probably make it to the second wave!
From, Skaavn Hargretmorn.
To Srod.
YOU SENT US HERE TO DIE! I've already been drafted, it's raining BLOOD, for Cor's sake, and I'VE BEEN ATTACKED BY THE DEAD! The only good thing is that I had a nice bath! If Rotvaag wasn't my friend, I would personally walk back to the city AND KICK YOUR ASS.
Hate, Tunul Strikulfatab.
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 08, 2012, 06:50:57 pm
Your death was not in vain. It saddens me to think of how we didn't even notice you were gone for a week, and then found you dead. Looking in reports, I see you fought well against that Goblin Thief. You will be buried next to the Large Rat (tame) who died of old age recently. You were more useful than the dwarves who whine about their clothes yet won't replace them/about being on duty when it's only been a few days.
Dear whining dorfs
A week is not that long. Also, there are plenty of clean, new clothes. WEAR THEM AND STOP BITCHING!
Me
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 08, 2012, 07:11:31 pm
We don't need floodgates, let alone artifact ones. Stop making them.
Sincerely,
Someone who wishes you'd put those fey moods to good use for once.
Post by: Splint on September 08, 2012, 07:16:12 pm
Get off your unbalanced ass and make with the metal tradegoods! Thos giant animals aren't going to be bought with the clothes we need.
Signed,
The Overseer.
Dear goblin, elvish, and dwarven diplomats,
Piss off for a bit ok? I didn't think my expedition leader would be responsible for meeting you after the baron was promoted into the settlement, and she's busy bee keeping and building walls.
Signed,
The Overseer.
Yes I'm naming my people after forum dwellers.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 08, 2012, 07:20:16 pm
Dear Resident Craftsmen,Use them to distract buildingdestroyers.
We don't need floodgates, let alone artifact ones. Stop making them.
Sincerely,
Someone who wishes you'd put those fey moods to good use for once.
Post by: Lielac on September 08, 2012, 09:05:50 pm
Get to making babies, dammit! It's actually for the good of the fort this time!
HURRY UP AND POP OUT SPROGS,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: Splint on September 08, 2012, 10:09:49 pm
Dear dwarven couples of Charmtowns,
Get to making babies, dammit! It's actually for the good of the fort this time!
HURRY UP AND POP OUT SPROGS,
Overseer Lielac
You seem to be having the same problem as me, though for different reasons.
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 08, 2012, 10:34:17 pm
Fellow dwarves, I apologize for the, ah, little accident in the trade depot. Surely you wouldn't wish to see it all get nabbed by kobolds and goblins and annoying birds, so we've confiscated everything you brought to us. We'll be happy to trade it back to you.
Elves, you really weren't supposed to get that crutch. Some joker must have tucked it in with the stone goods. Really.
Humans, I am filled with, err, regret that you were attacked by goblins just as you popped on to the map. Really. We'll be gathering the items that your dead horse and merchant gone berzerk now dead dropped, to um, return to you. Yes.
Urist McOfdensen, Baron of Firegears, leader of Deathclock
(Man, is this fort ever living up to the Dethklok Dethcurse...)
Post by: darkgloomie on September 09, 2012, 12:41:18 pm
I'm curious. How are you not a Legendary Marksdwarf already? I mean, you managed to lodge ALL YOUR MASTERWORK BOLTS on the tops of trees! I guess that vulture must've been really tasty, but still.
MASTERWORK! BOLTS!.
Yours truly,
Overseer of BoilingOiled
Post by: ZzarkLinux on September 12, 2012, 08:38:54 pm
12th Timber yr.452
Dear Dwarf Merchants,
I laud you for your wisdom.
Most caravans, upon seeing our zombie horde, would still gamble on reaching our Trade Depot. But you are wise - you fled the map after things started going south.
Though I must confess, it was quite the spectacle for a while. The zombies did not follow your brethren in the typical "conga line". No, they actually swarmed after Urist in true zombie fashion. I've not seen the horde so lively in months.
Still, we send our deepest condolences.
If you do get this message, please inform the mountainhome that their liason has fallen. He was brained before your fellow spearguard (who also fell) could reach him. We request another liason next year, and we will hopefully have the place a little better controlled.
Sincerely,
Kotonoa
RabbitHut, the Creepy Murky Shelter
Post by: Splint on September 12, 2012, 08:53:58 pm
Stop attacing this place. There's nothing of real value here except bone crafts which I know you can make yourselves. Seeing as you usually operate in your best interests, attacking Glacialhell seems to go against that. I mean for the love of god, some of your men are coming back in peices and your general along with his entire bodyguard detail fled a battle without fighting after your men ran into the mighty icegate Dreamsmasher The Ender of Goblins. In response to your stupidity, I am building a massive middle finger in my central courtyard, so you may be properly greeted every time you step in our realm.
Thank you,
Overseer of Glacialhell.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 12, 2012, 09:13:32 pm
Take your cheese/lye/soap maker problems and multiply them by immortality before dividing by having to build towers instead of digging little holes in the ground. We need to send those armies out! If they lose, we get rid of the rabble; if we win, free homes for them and more materials to build towers from!
Sincerely,
Master of the Hells of Wherever.
Post by: Pyre on September 12, 2012, 11:20:52 pm
I saw what you did there. Taking down that bridge right as Urist McEngraver#2, your grudge, was walking over it, and then calling it a "construction accident" was quite clever. You are lucky that he/she/it was mostly useless, and that you are the only carpenter who gets anything done. Still, if you have to kill someone, don't do it as I am watching, and don't dump the body in the river, that's where we get our water from.
Regards,
Overseer McYourGod
P.S., If it happens again, you will be exploring the curious *thing* we found in the caverns. NAKED.
Post by: Aigre Excalibur on September 13, 2012, 02:47:36 am
It is with greatest contempt that I have to acknowledge how 30 of your number were slaughtered by a single goblin swordsmen with a severed foot. This invader waltzed through a corridor filled with traps, lost his foot in the process, and proceeded to kill our entire standing army. After which, he helped himself to our women and children before finally collapsing somewhere near the entrance from blood lost while on the way to greet our new migrants.
Now he periodically regains consciousness to stab the odd passerby. And no one has been dwarf enough to put him down.
I have run out of coffins. You louts can go rot on the floor.
The rest of the fortress has turned suicidal.
And I have enough of you clowns.
Your fustrated overseer:
Aigre
Post by: Jake on September 13, 2012, 03:10:41 am
Will you kindly instruct the pyromancers on your staff to be more careful where they sling those bloody fireballs? We couldn't find enough left of poor Lorbam to bury, to say nothing of the loss of half our livestock and about a quarter of our good growing land being totally ruined.
Fortunately for you, your trigger-happy colleague barbecued himself taking out the other kobold thief. We're taking what we can salvage from the charred remains of his wagon as compensation, and are prepared to leave it at that. This time.
Yours,
Avatar of Armok #2717281, "Jake", on behalf of the dwarves of Avuzbumal.
Post by: Sus on September 13, 2012, 03:17:40 am
Y U no trade?! >:(
-Sus, Acting Mayor, Trialfires (N00b Fortress!)
[edit]
And the same goes double for you booze-addled morons refusing to deal with the merchants the one time we get them to depot still alive and sound of mind! Thanks to your foolishness, we got zero chances to foist our useless crap onto unsuspecting caravaneers, and also zero bars of steel, iron, pig iron or even tin we need to make proper weapons and armour. Were it not that you became someone else's problem this Spring, I'd wish you all a horrible death. >:(
[/edit]
Post by: Aigre Excalibur on September 13, 2012, 06:40:24 am
Please stop clobbering the new militia draftees with furniture as they try to hold off the legendary sword-goblin with the severed foot. When the goblin is through with them he WILL rape you. Please wait patiently for your turn, and do not mar the experience for others with your tantrums.
Legendary Sword Goblin with a severed foot:
Great and mighty Ulfric, you alone have withstood our traps and our torrents of missiles when all your comrades were slaughtered and maimed. Then you routed our army as if they were children. None alive may compare with your glory and valour. We are humbled by your mighty sword, and gladly offer you our goods as spoils...
But please, Put that baby down. It's not for eating. Have a kitten meat - yak Spleen - turkey hen egg omelette wrap instead. It's much better for your body and soul.
Dear Militia Commander,
Stop hiding in your room while your wife beats up the new recruits while they are being torn apart by the goblin swordsman. You sir, are a rotten coward, and a poor excuse for a dwarf.
Dear surviving dwarves:
I like half of you more than I should, and I don't know half of you as well as you deserve.
But I regret to announce, that this is the end.
I'm going now...
good bye.
Signed,
The overseer
Found by an escape tunnel through an incomplete sewer system.
Post by: WillowLuman on September 14, 2012, 01:25:10 am
Why do you torment me so? Apparently you have undergone rapid evolution, either to assume a predator role or for severe defense mechanisms. I would ask that you please revert back to the natural order, and not randomly immolate.
Sincerely [paper too burnt to read past this point]
Post by: Splint on September 14, 2012, 01:38:53 am
Now you have a reason to attack this miserable shitpit in the ice: The Bank of Glacialhell. Should you conquer the fortress, you will have a wealth of platinum coins, gems, masterpiece weapons (if we get a weaponsmith to that point) and artifacts for you to plunder. However, do note once you get past the dwarves, there will be a number of crundle mines, dogs, cave crocodiles and giant cave spiders waiting for you, as well as generous sprinklings of weapon traps. And I took away your ranged weapons.
Come at us bros,
Glacialhell.
Post by: Berossus on September 14, 2012, 04:27:54 am
That T-shaped item in your hands is called a "Cross-Bow". As the name implies, it is made for shooting, like a bow, but better to hold and aim. That long pointy things in your round tube-shaped bags? Those are Bolts. You use them in combination with a crossbow to kill stuff. Like that trolls in the shooting pit right before your eyes.
The crossbow is used to accelerate the bolts to a velocity which is usually sufficient to drive the metal point through the armored shell of the target, in your case that troll over there, and pierce its soft inner core.
Please, for the love of Armok, shoot it. Take the crossbow in your hand, load it with a bolt from your quiver, and shoot the troll. Try it. Just fucking try it.
I swear to god, if you dont start shooting things anytime soon, ill have you painted green and thrown in the pit, Armok help me, you will do some archery, and if its only passively.
Post by: Niccolo on September 14, 2012, 08:03:06 am
Dear Grass,
Why do you torment me so? Apparently you have undergone rapid evolution, either to assume a predator role or for severe defense mechanisms. I would ask that you please revert back to the natural order, and not randomly immolate.
Sincerely [paper too burnt to read past this point]
I have seen a lot of letters written in this thread. Letters to idiot dwarves, clever dwarves, malfunctioning mechanisms, lizard-people...
You are the first I have ever met who would write a letter to grass. So, you know, kudos.
Dear Urist McFurnaceOperators:
I have incredibly limited supplies of metal, so I don't need the extra limitations that you have placed on my smiths by not doing any damn work. I don't know what you are doing, but you've managed to smelt down about six rocks. Hit double digits or I'm firing you out of a water cannon.
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 14, 2012, 11:39:00 pm
You're my only miner. You're not allowed to take season-long breaks. There's work to be done.
Sincerely,
Someone who wishes you'd get off your ass and mine something.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 15, 2012, 06:22:04 am
Niccolo: Assign less lazy furnace operators.
Post by: MantisMan on September 15, 2012, 06:50:22 pm
While I appreciate that you are conscientious enough to grab that stray wheelbarrow in the new well that was just about ready, I would have preferred it if you ignored the wheelbarrow and instead rescued the armoursmith who brought the wheelbarrow in and was drowning at the bottom of the well. You're just lucky that other dwarves with his skillset and better arrived in the following migration wave.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 15, 2012, 06:52:58 pm
Was he injured? No, just drowning. It's against the outpost charter's rules to touch anyone unless they are injured, family, or in the same little square that you need to be in. It's embarrassing to just be touched whenever!
Sincerely,
Rule-following Hauler
Post by: Aigre Excalibur on September 16, 2012, 09:24:01 am
This time, it was my fault.
OOPS...
Should've triple checked the floodgates before punching a third hole in the volcano.
It was nice knowing y'all.
Farewell.
The man from above who looks down below from another pane,
Aigre
Post by: Greasemunky on September 16, 2012, 11:58:43 am
will you stop coming from the south via terrifying jungle? The one with huskifying clouds, undead bears and reanimation. Instead, head through the non evil badlands pretty please.
Yours with death threats if you don't do as I say
-The Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 16, 2012, 12:45:09 pm
We only have site access from the south. Build a wall or something, then we'll spawn near it. Statues also help.
Post by: Splint on September 16, 2012, 12:49:42 pm
Anyways...
Dear Capital,
THANK YOU SWEET CHRIST YOU ACTUALLY SENT WORKERS I NEEDED! THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Signed,
Heroicbattle Overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 16, 2012, 01:07:37 pm
Post by: Splint on September 16, 2012, 01:15:47 pm
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 16, 2012, 01:43:01 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on September 16, 2012, 02:07:13 pm
Post by: Splint on September 16, 2012, 02:14:53 pm
Post by: Berossus on September 16, 2012, 02:26:27 pm
We have 287 dwarves here, and none of you felt called upon to raise the bridge when word of an invasion came? Thank Armok we only got 30 trolls in here before one of you accidently tripped over an empty barrel and smacked his head on the lever, had it been the 60 lasher with the 20 cave dragons and the 15 cave crocodiles, you would now be dining in hell.
Literally.
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 16, 2012, 02:32:08 pm
Please delay your season-long break to a time more suited. I suspect an invasion will be coming on soon, and you finishing this project is vital to Echooils' survival. Finish it by the time the goblins get here or else.
Sincerely,
The Death Pit Operator.
Post by: darkgloomie on September 17, 2012, 07:15:53 am
"Construction of Wall suspended: Creature obstructing path" is not a valid reason to goof off, especially if the "creature" that won't let you finish building is yourself.
Were you not also a skilled woodcutter- of whom I have too little- I would give you confidential reasons as to why i needed that wall built- namely, I'd stop Urist McPumpOperator from draining the aquifer before it gets the chance to drown you.
Sincerely,
Overseer of BlowingOiled
Post by: NESgamer190 on September 17, 2012, 07:22:03 am
How else do you expect me to work on the wall? There were a few ants on it, and I can't work with ants... especially if they bite and burn me flesh! I'd rather swim than burn! Urist McPumpOperator also hates those pesky magma ants that bite past his trousers, and sees it as a reason to drain the aquifer.
Sincerely,
Urist McCarpenter
Post by: Clover Magic on September 17, 2012, 01:19:58 pm
Yes, I know you came here with high hopes to pursue your life-long ambition of fishing. Yes, I know our lake is currently frozen over and so you cannot fish there. I know this all, but please, stop trying to fish in the dining room's fountain. There's nothing there, just like the last ten times you tried.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Crystalspires
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 17, 2012, 03:01:42 pm
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf
Yes, I know you came here with high hopes to pursue your life-long ambition of fishing. Yes, I know our lake is currently frozen over and so you cannot fish there. I know this all, but please, stop trying to fish in the dining room's fountain. There's nothing there, just like the last ten times you tried.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Crystalspires
Dear boss,
Well, the ponds all dried up and the volcano is too hot, so I thought I'd try the fountain a time....or ten.
Yrs.,
Urist McFisherman
Post by: xominxac on September 17, 2012, 05:29:02 pm
When I told you to sacrifice to Armok I meant bones. Now you won't be getting anymore masterpiece meals because you killed our only cook.
Sincerely, your overseer.
P.S. Is it possible to get someone by the name of Urist in vanilla DF? I'm using Masterwork mod with the ork plugin.
And if people don't think this is an actual dwarf...
(http://[url=http://[URL=http://tnypic.net/94910.jpg.html][IMG]http://tnypic.net/images/94910_thumb.jpg)(http://tnypic.net/images/94910_thumb.jpg) (http://tnypic.net/94910.jpg.html)
Post by: Niccolo on September 17, 2012, 05:47:06 pm
Dear Urist Febnalthish, Militia Captain of Erithtustem,
When I told you to sacrifice to Armok I meant bones. Now you won't be getting anymore masterpiece meals because you killed our only cook.
Sincerely, your overseer.
P.S. Is it possible to get someone by the name of Urist in vanilla DF? I'm using Masterwork mod with the ork plugin.
And if people don't think this is an actual dwarf...
(http://[url=http://[URL=http://tnypic.net/94910.jpg.html][IMG]http://tnypic.net/images/94910_thumb.jpg)(http://tnypic.net/images/94910_thumb.jpg) (http://tnypic.net/94910.jpg.html)
Of course you can. I normally end up with half a dozen or so "Urist" dwarves. xD There's a reason we picked that as the default name.
Post by: xominxac on September 17, 2012, 05:52:00 pm
Post by: talysman on September 17, 2012, 07:49:08 pm
When I tell you to go kill the giant flying earthworm that's spitting webs all over your comrades down below, you and your fellow soldiers should GO DO THAT, instead of attacking the unconscious cyclops because she happens to be closer. She's going to die anyways, so leave her alone.
And if you *are* going to ignore me and attack the cyclops, at least have the decency to go pick up a weapon instead of punching her with your fists. That's gonna take forever.
Signed,
Your Militia Commander
Post by: misko27 on September 17, 2012, 08:28:17 pm
Why were you on the other side of the river? I could understand that it wasn't connected to yet, but how did the rest of your migrant party get here then, leaving only you 2 on that side? Also, I would like to express my vague surprise at how much fish you got while over there.
Dear MountainHomes
dafuq with the rangers and fishers. I need military recruits, not fish. Besides,I haven't seen a non-humanoid animal yet, so how useful is it anyway?
Post by: GuesssWho on September 17, 2012, 09:02:15 pm
Much of the things the expedition originally came with are still lying around outside, two seasons later. A piece of rope was just eaten by a small parrot. EXPLAIN!!!
--Mysterious goddess
ETA: The parrot is stealing all your cloth, WTF.
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 17, 2012, 10:58:36 pm
You can not drive your wagon through a 2x3 crevice filled with water. Use the bridge next time. (If there is a next time. You're currently glitched in the side of the moat, and don't expect me to make any effort at all to release you.)
Sincerely,
That guy who just robbed you blind.
Post by: GuesssWho on September 18, 2012, 03:00:48 am
It's your own damn fault you kept chopping wood all through your Strange Mood. No one else was in the craft workshop that entire time. Stop mooning around like an idiot!
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 18, 2012, 07:43:02 pm
Yes, I am just posting to follow, though I may have an Overseer Apprentice to yell at soon...
Post by: GuesssWho on September 18, 2012, 09:24:10 pm
WE HAVE NO FISH. There are no fish in the ponds. There are a couple turtles--none of which we can get to without a minor flood. Why do you keep coming?
Bewildered Overlord
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 18, 2012, 09:47:12 pm
--Fisherdwarves
Post by: GuesssWho on September 18, 2012, 10:54:13 pm
Too late, goblins have killed you all, except for the ones that went insane. Bye.
--Your bewildered goddess
Post by: Onegodoneloveoneway on September 18, 2012, 10:58:05 pm
While I understand that goblins have a certain ugliness about them, please consider those that have been dumped naked on the pedestal behind the fortifications and are currently being used for target practice by a squad of marksdwarfs, no longer a threat. Please continue restocking the ammo stock pile so that the marks dwarfs can continue training and one day defend you.
As you were,
Engineer Overlord.
Post by: MantisMan on September 20, 2012, 12:34:50 am
Dear MantisOverseer,
Was he injured? No, just drowning. It's against the outpost charter's rules to touch anyone unless they are injured, family, or in the same little square that you need to be in. It's embarrassing to just be touched whenever!
Sincerely,
Rule-following Hauler
Dear Hauler,
Yes he was injured. He was vomiting profusely and there was a decent amount of blood around him. He must have fallen around 2 z-levels when the water rushed in. His legs and guts, among other body parts, were injured, if I recall correctly. You would know this if you looked down into the well where the heaving sounds were coming from. You're lucky I commissioned another well that was free of vomit.
Post by: Gaybarowner on September 20, 2012, 12:03:42 pm
Go back into that cave you crawled out if
Signed Uristmcspearmasterwoman
Post by: MadocComadrin on September 20, 2012, 12:56:45 pm
Dear UristmcnewbornEWW D:
Go back into that cave you crawled out if
Signed Uristmcspearmasterwoman
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on September 20, 2012, 01:04:45 pm
Post by: megahelmet on September 20, 2012, 02:37:11 pm
The fortress of Goldflash is in the middle of a terrifying rocky wasteland. There is no water. None. Therefore, there are no fish of any sort for you to catch. If you insist on coming to Goldflash, you will be left outside where you witness firsthand our beautiful and deadly cursed ash clouds that blow across the desert.
Post by: Hamsmagoo on September 20, 2012, 05:44:27 pm
Oh great, now the mayor's throwing a temper tantrum...
Post by: pisskop on September 20, 2012, 07:04:35 pm
I'm speaking as a friend here, not your overseer. I care about your wellbeing, specially in this young fort where your mining skills are essential.
How in the world did you break both wrists? You were on a desolate surface dvoid of life. You were digging an exploratory tunnel in dirt to find our regional borders. You were unconcious for almost a week! What's up mate? How did you do it? Do I want to know?
Regards,
OS
Post by: Gaybarowner on September 20, 2012, 07:39:06 pm
I think you are all special but you need to go do something else other than sitting around eating my food!
I love you all
OS
Post by: Callista on September 20, 2012, 08:29:22 pm
Attention: All past, present, and future Urist McFishermen,Dear Overseer,
The fortress of Goldflash is in the middle of a terrifying rocky wasteland. There is no water. None. Therefore, there are no fish of any sort for you to catch. If you insist on coming to Goldflash, you will be left outside where you witness firsthand our beautiful and deadly cursed ash clouds that blow across the desert.
There's fish in them thar cavern lakes!
Urists McFishermen
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 20, 2012, 10:24:30 pm
Dear Urist McRomney,
47% of you went one way, 53% went the other. You will never be mayor now.
-dwarven electorate
FWIW, I lol'ed :D
Dear dorfs lost today to the GCS,
A good attempt, but alas, neither of you was prepared in any way. Urist McFormerRecruitTurnedHammerdorfOnTheSpot avenged your deathsa, and you were properly interred. Your spouses don't seem too perturbed, given the engravings and artifacts all over the fort.
the Overseer of Firegears
Post by: Vehudur on September 21, 2012, 02:28:36 am
When I tell you to mine a square, I expect you to take the shortest route, not walk around the giant cavern lake and uncover a forgotten nasty that should have forever remained forgotten on the other side.
Post by: gbrngfol on September 21, 2012, 05:18:50 am
When I tell you to gather your troops and lead them into battle I don't mean equip them with training weapons and hide in a corner until the fighting's over.
Yours sincerely That Dude Who Is Possibly Armok. ( or TDWIPA for short.)
Post by: Akura on September 21, 2012, 12:30:12 pm
Just because you're pissed about being called to duty when a Deep Crow or some other eldritch abombination attacks, and your pet pekyt is killed in the ensuing battle, it's no reason to destroy the trade depot, with two groups of traders from two really awesome civs there(especially AFTER we've given them some stuff for being awesome). I've removed you from the military(partly because unhappy dwarf+steel short sword=Fun), pending a proper execution. Possibly having some of the "stolen" items dropped on your head.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Dear Dunedwellers,
You guys are awesome. Coming in you kill a cobra. While there you kill three black bears. Going out you kill several more snakes. Next time, you helped take out two goblin ambushes. The time after that, you helped take down a Bronze Colossus. Here, have the statue it left behind. You earned it.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
PS: Sorry about McTantrum there. Know that his death will be entertaining.
Post by: MantisMan on September 21, 2012, 02:24:27 pm
We really appreciate your yearly visits, and the chance for trade, and the fact that your caravan is heavily guarded. Armok knows we can't get steel any other way in this area, and that your guards were a big help in fending off the goblin seige. I think your guards might have credit for taking out their unarmed general!
That aside, you left without making a trade. I know that most of the merchants in that caravan died, but at least one of them survived. With such a high traveling cost, shouldn't you have tried your hardest to trade? I think your dead merchant friends would have wanted it that way. At least you managed to take up my depot space and leave when you felt it was time, right? I hope your few remaining (badly injured) caravan guards are enough to protect you on your journey back to the mountainhomes.
With frustration, the overseer of Earthenpractices.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on September 22, 2012, 12:16:55 am
I can understand you guys entering our map while flying; it's not everyday a race of dwarves have wings and flight. I understand you'd want to enjoy your freedom. But really, what gives you the good idea of dragging your pack animals beind you, several z-levels in the air? What makes you think "Oh, we've neared the fort! Better drop my mule here and remember where I parked."
You guys store ALL THE GOODS on those pack animals! Dropping them several z-levels and leaving them there while you carry on to the trade depot is counter-productive to trade, which is your sole reason to exist! No, we will not give you a bunch of junk for nothing, we need that stuff we ordered last year! In fact, where's the stuff we ordered and desperately needed? Oh right, you dropped it with your mules back by the map edge.
You guys can go drop some mules off a cliff instead of coming down here next year. Makes no difference to us. Also, what's with the liaisons you bring? They're all a bunch of nuts who hover in midair for 6 months before finally meeting the mayor. Bunch a' wackos.
We won't trade with you if you don't bring us some goods. We'd rather just take the elves' junk, at least they have mithril.
Sincerely, The Eldritch Sentience Which Laughs at the Irony of Winged Dwarves, better known as your overseer.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Pyre on September 23, 2012, 12:08:54 am
My fort is not your winter home, go away, and bring me some iron next time.
Piss off,
Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 23, 2012, 06:39:45 am
Post by: Mr Space Cat on September 23, 2012, 07:49:25 am
The flying-dwarves thing sounds like fun!
It's actually probably one of my most successful forts so far, probably due to the lack of a huge flood of useless migrants. Also the first fort I set up a good metalworks industry and my soon to be first military champion. Built my first working well and floodgates, and I'm setting up my first glass industry to make sawblade traps for the entrance.
It is both fun and !!FUN!!
---------------------------------------------
Dear Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter-
Look man, I'm sorry you got stuck in that hole in the roof with the broker. I'm sure two seasons of isolation up there with him in that one tile gave you plenty of time to get to know one another.
still, that doesn't give you an excuse to die of thirst. Drink your piss or something, I need every dwarf that arrives here!
Yours, That Omniprescent Prick in the Sky
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 23, 2012, 11:38:51 am
Dear Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter-
Look man, I'm sorry you got stuck in that hole in the roof with the broker. I'm sure two seasons of isolation up there with him in that one tile gave you plenty of time to get to know one another.
still, that doesn't give you an excuse to die of thirst. Drink your piss or something, I need every dwarf that arrives here!
Yours, That Omniprescent Prick in the Sky
Dear OPitS,
My name was Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter, not Urist McBearGrylls :P
Signed,
the now-named Urist McDead
Dear Dorfs of Firegears,
All things considered (back to back siege, ambush, bigger siege of 40 goblins and their buddies and Lawgiver), you're doing okay. We've lost additional people due to stupid bugs (uninjured dwarves getting stuck on nothing at all and dying of thirst), insanity, and incompetence (on my part, admittedly). But for the love of magma, ENGRAVE THOSE ARMOK-DAMNED SLABS! Appropriate labors are enabled. I turned off hauling etc, there's plenty of slabs, things are accessible, and you craftsdwarves just stand around with your beards up your asses.
Okay, fine. You'd rather haul (as evidenced by your bursting into activity when I turned hauling back on) than prevent this from turning into a haunted fort. Enjoy your ghostly friends.
Annoyed,
Me
Post by: Facekillz058 on September 23, 2012, 08:05:30 pm
I am baffeled at the speed that you smooth and engrave things. I just drafting 6 dwarves into my engraver army when I see you cruising along, everything you touch becoming engraved instantly.
Your utterly impressed controller,
Facekillz.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 23, 2012, 09:50:10 pm
Yes, I know that mangy war mutt was munching on your xfacex, but was it necessary to forcibly remove every single one of its teeth?
Signed,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 23, 2012, 09:52:08 pm
Yes. Now it can't bite me. Hah!
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 24, 2012, 12:00:22 am
I spent hours tweaking, refining you. I gave you life.
You took... uh... five, four, two, two... THIRTEEN, AND YOU CAUSED ANOTHER SIX, AND THE LAST DWARF IS STILL THERE, WAITING TO BE TURNED INTO !!BARBEQUE!!
I hope you're happy.
I sure am. :D :D
Signed,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night.
Post by: Donuts on September 24, 2012, 03:38:11 am
You neglected to remove the butterfly corpse blocking the door, letting in 15 goblins. Jeez, there was 147 of you. Hope that 2 month party and infinite break was worth it. Now that you are all dead, i hope you had a nice day.
-A very frustrated Donut
Post by: gbrngfol on September 24, 2012, 03:50:23 am
When mining straight downwards why do you insist on braking all your toes?
Yours sincerely
Random Homicidal Maniac
Post by: Gaybarowner on September 24, 2012, 07:37:46 am
Why did you idle ontop of the fortresses door and let that fat undead ogre in? All those dead corpses is blood stained on your hands!
With many kisses and a hug
OS
Post by: Mr Space Cat on September 24, 2012, 05:22:18 pm
Dear Miners of Silverguilds
When mining straight downwards why do you insist on braking all your toes?
Yours sincerely
Random Homicidal Maniac
Dear Random Homicidal Maniac,
Have you ever tried mining rocks with your toes? Rocks are kinda hard, man.
With respect,
the Miners of Silverguilds
Post by: darkgloomie on September 24, 2012, 05:40:35 pm
Dear urists mclazyasseswere you playing Boatmurdered or what?
You neglected to remove the butterfly corpse blocking the door, letting in 15 goblins. Jeez, there was 147 of you. Hope that 2 month party and infinite break was worth it. Now that you are all dead, i hope you had a nice day.
-A very frustrated Donut
Post by: misko27 on September 24, 2012, 09:32:26 pm
I would like to congratulate you. You were the only dwarf who decided to pull the lever, instead of jerking off. Sure, you waited long enough that the necromancer got in, but his undead horde didn't join him, and for that we are greatful
Dear Urist Everyoneelse
You guys suck. That is all.
- The overseer
Post by: gbrngfol on September 25, 2012, 12:07:02 am
Dear Miners of Silverguilds
When mining straight downwards why do you insist on braking all your toes?
Yours sincerely
Random Homicidal Maniac
Dear Random Homicidal Maniac,
Have you ever tried mining rocks with your toes? Rocks are kinda hard, man.
With respect,
the Miners of Silverguilds
Dear Miners of Silverguilds,
I GAVE YOU THOSE STEEL PICKS FOR A REASON!!!!!!!
Although those boots of yours seem to be in much better shape.
Yours sincerely,
Random Homicidal Maniac
Post by: Wrex on September 25, 2012, 12:13:18 am
We do not want you. There is no way in. There is only accursed ash waiting to embrase your soul with cold, undying, malice.
Signed,
Your Bioweapon developing overseer.
PS: Your infected corpses make excellent goblin slayers.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 25, 2012, 12:28:37 am
I gave you a blessing, if not an order. "Mine fast, run far"
That does not mean, "Mine fast, say prayer, burn, take a swig with Armok himself"
Die in a fire. Oh wait, you just did. ::)
No love,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
EDIT**
Fuck, there goes my other one too, making a Magma Smelter.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 25, 2012, 11:39:56 pm
Thank you for claiming the only Craftsdwarf's Workshop that is currently not in use.
Although, a Legendary Child is not a profession we look kindly upon here at Spearrain.
Signed,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
Edit**
Whoa. A spiked wild boar bone ball. Kudos to you kid, now I can prepare violent defenses!
Post by: MaxZero on September 26, 2012, 02:26:36 am
You cant finish building a wall when your standing on it! Why are you doing that‽ There is plenty of room around you!!!
Gaaaagh
(http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o36/MysticInnes/ScreenShot2012-09-26at080655_zps1bfd4c14.png)
Post by: Donuts on September 26, 2012, 02:55:07 am
Nope.Dear urists mclazyasseswere you playing Boatmurdered or what?
You neglected to remove the butterfly corpse blocking the door, letting in 15 goblins. Jeez, there was 147 of you. Hope that 2 month party and infinite break was worth it. Now that you are all dead, i hope you had a nice day.
-A very frustrated Donut
Post by: Tarran on September 26, 2012, 04:06:17 am
FOR ALL YOU KNOW YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THE NEXT ONE TO BE PUT IN.
BUT YOU DECIDED TO BE AN ASSHOLE AND KILL A RANDOM GUY.
I HOPE HE GETS BURIED BEFORE YOU, JERK.
Post by: Blucher on September 26, 2012, 09:51:01 am
Why were cleaning the hatch cover at the bottom of the dump shaft? Yes, there was a small amount of blood there from the recently dumped goblin bodies and that ettin from last spring, but if you were so keen on tidiness, then why haven't you cleaned the gore and vomit covering nearly every square foot of the above-ground compound and tower? You know, the stuff that has been there for years? Seriously dude, you just HAD to be johnny-on-the-spot eager-beaver cleaner-dwarf rushing through the access passage to the bottom of the dump shaft standing right on the hatch cover just as it opened to drop everything (including yourself) into the magma flow...
Luckily you were a useless army-dwarf reservist/hauler.
Posthumously Yours,
The Overseer.
P.S. Thanks for wearing a nearly complete set of masterwork armor and weapons to your death. We didn't need those at all.
Post by: Akura on September 26, 2012, 11:14:44 am
I had all those corpses and skeletons piled up, and set to burn. Why, then, did you stand on the fire I had you start until you yourself was incinerated? Especially after giving a task other than standing in a fire? I'd tell you to go die in a fire, but that would be redundant.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
(Note: using the Bonfire building from Genesis mod. Maybe I should order a "small fire" rather than a large one?)
Post by: Lumix on September 26, 2012, 11:19:35 am
Just because you can can break your finger, then pass out during an ambush, Doesn't mean you should.
I mean, Look at your friend over their, Arm cut off, Leg cut off, And he still fights on.
You pansy.
-The overseer
Post by: DiezIrae on September 26, 2012, 11:44:03 am
Please search another place to transform and don't kill your wife and baby if you want to tantrum because you had to bury her.
My word is law,
The one who looks upon you.
Post by: Cyroth on September 26, 2012, 05:16:23 pm
Please explain to me how you managed to get almost all of you killed by Keas.
Not giant Keas, no zombie Keas, not some flaming Keas from the deep hell itself. Just a flock of ordinary Keas.
Out of 2 guards 2 merchants and 2 pack animals only one donkey is still alive and currently making a beeline for the border.
As annoying as they are, they are still just birds.
If you are going to siege me for this I'm going to catch you, take you stuff and throw you into the Ettin pit.
Sincerely,
Friend
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 26, 2012, 05:22:09 pm
You try killing something that keeps flying out of your reach!
SincerelAUGH IT POOPED IN MY EYES AGAIN!
Post by: pisskop on September 26, 2012, 05:59:12 pm
Spirit in the Sky (but not a god)
Post by: Shash The Stampede on September 26, 2012, 07:24:03 pm
You'll only get hurt in the end. The alligators are only interested in your body. They look at you like a piece of meat. Stop hanging out with them after I have forbidden it.
-your now gore spattered overseer
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 27, 2012, 12:09:05 am
The Sapiocoatls are finished. I render my services unto them, and relieve you of said services.
Au revoir, amigos!
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
P.S.
My new Overlady, Ivit Ijamoribe, says hi. They want you to know that unnecessary violence is abhorrent. DO NOT attempt to siege us.
Post by: gbrngfol on September 27, 2012, 04:59:55 am
I must congratulate you on that bite you just performed on a goblin in the testing arena. I don't know how you did it but you chewed through a steel helmet just to rip his ear off. Thanks to you rabbits now replace dogs in all my forts from this point onward.
Yours gratefully,
Random Homicidal Maniac.
PS: A note to that test-minecart. YOUR PARKED IN MY SPOT!!!!!!!!
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 27, 2012, 05:42:42 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Seriously, dafuq, dude?
Post by: pisskop on September 27, 2012, 08:57:19 am
Dear Cakepa, Deity of the Sapiocoatls of the Hairy Wheels,Kobolds make alot of funky gods, like the Keaman god. Of course I gave them nature sphere.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Seriously, dafuq, dude?
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 27, 2012, 06:20:06 pm
With infinite brokers :D
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 27, 2012, 08:39:41 pm
Post by: Urist McUselessNoble on September 28, 2012, 02:30:00 pm
Please be aware that it is your responsibility to keep your possessions out of the combined-cycle garbage incinerator and obsidian farm.
The fortress of Steelguard accepts no responsibility for pets, articles of clothing or other valuables left in the obsidian farm during operation.
Sincerely,
The management
Post by: DiezIrae on September 28, 2012, 02:42:31 pm
I don't know what the cats did to you, but please stop drowning them beside my cat-a-pult and just put them on it to see them fly at the Skunk women.
Thank you,
Thy great one.
Post by: misko27 on September 28, 2012, 05:06:32 pm
i would like to congratulate you on complete and utter ineptitude today. However, First I'd like to congratualte a special few. Firstly, I'd like to congratulate the recruits, who managed to train the were-capybara that was strangling to legendary dodgning levels. Seriously, Impressive. Moreover, this prevented the non-idiotic members of the militia from hurting itenough to kill it in time. However, I do have to say that you guys did practce alot doing so, and one of you actually became a actual regular military member while doing so.
To the hammerdwarf lying in the hospital, I'd like to congratulate you for being the only injured dwarf, the one who also was the only one who got bitten. Thank you, Yopu're reward is Euthanization via Goblin thief arena.
Finally, I'd like to thank all of you for failing to even kill it when it transformed into a Reptile woman, who did not even get hit as she ran off. This is, of course, largely the recruits fault, but Its your fault to. Stop sucking.
Post by: Tamber on September 29, 2012, 02:31:18 am
Please stop coming to steal our shinies; while we have more of them than I know what to do with, and can spare them; it is not exactly a trade agreement, and our military responds quickly. An ☼iron mace☼ is detrimental to your health, and I'm a soft-hearted
(We have kobolds here already, but the more the merrier! Seriously, consider it: We have a pretty decent dining hall, nest-boxes, plenty of shiny things, plenty of good food and it's warm in here! Enclosed is a brochure from our Tourism/Immigration department.)
We'd be more than happy to trade with you; if you'd come and ask! Or, at the very least, please stop sending your thieves to meet the heavy end of a mace.
Yours Exasperatedly,
Tamber
Overs'r, Metropolis of Susnûul.
P.S. We have one of your swordsmen chained up in our dining hall; let me know, by return note-wrapped-around-arrow, whether you want to come collect him; we'll have lunch ready!
(It would be quite nice if captured prisoners could, over time, become citizens of the fortress. Then all those chained up goblins and the kobold in the dining hall could join the faux-goblins and faux-kobolds of my Lutin civilisation! And then they could live happily ever after. ...until the next time I buy them all tickets to the circus.)
Post by: omg_scout on September 29, 2012, 10:00:57 am
Dear Kobolds;Wait... do kobold lay eggs? o_O
... nest-boxes....
Yours Exasperatedly,
Tamber
Overs'r, Metropolis of Susnûul.
:P
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 29, 2012, 10:06:53 am
Yup. Once, there was a bug that female kobold thieves would pause to lay eggs when they came to steal your shinies.Dear Kobolds;Wait... do kobold lay eggs? o_O
... nest-boxes....
Yours Exasperatedly,
Tamber
Overs'r, Metropolis of Susnûul.
:P
Post by: omg_scout on September 29, 2012, 10:26:16 am
Post by: Tamber on September 29, 2012, 11:26:48 am
Wait... do kobold lay eggs? o_O
Yup; leathery ones, if I'm reading the raws correctly.
[...] this game still keeps surprising me.
Such is the wonder of the amazing depth of this game; there's always something new to discover. ...and then, if this board's history is anything to go by, weaponise. (Although it's beyond me how I could weaponise Kobold eggs. I'm sure someone would think of something, though.)
Post by: Mr Space Cat on September 29, 2012, 11:32:38 am
You had no job, and a choice between either going to collect sand, or trade with the dwarf caravan.
...Did you seriously decide to perform the brain numbing task of collecting sand instead of trade? Quit mucking around and get your bum to the depot, you idiot.
Not sincerely, Space McVoicefromSpace
Post by: BumbleMead on September 29, 2012, 07:51:58 pm
Whyfore did you drop dead in the middle of negotiating the trade agreement? You had your own booze and food stockpiles in the next room, and ridiculous amounts of food along with every kind of booze just two levels down! You've never had any problem with wandering away mid-meeting before! You better not have screwed up my chance at getting a barony.
-Your baffled overseer.
Dear Urist McBeekeeper,
Hurry up splitting those hives, I want to get the next batch of harvestable hives moving. At your current rate of permanently being on break we'll run out of mead, which is unacceptable. It will make the booze stocks irritatingly incomplete and will result in you being assigned to the silk farm. As bait.
-Sincerely, the (slightly) twitchy overseer
Post by: gbrngfol on September 30, 2012, 01:05:52 am
Such is the wonder of the amazing depth of this game; there's always something new to discover. ...and then, if this board's history is anything to go by, weaponise. (Although it's beyond me how I could weaponise Kobold eggs. I'm sure someone would think of something, though.)
Simple you mod them to be equipable by the military.
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 30, 2012, 10:09:06 pm
STOP MAKING ARTIFACT CLOTHES.
I only have 1 useful artifact at this point, a Pine Door. The others are 3 clothing items and a figurine. Fuck you guys.
Sincerely,
Someone who will kill you if they get one more useless artifact.
Post by: Mageziya on September 30, 2012, 10:28:00 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 30, 2012, 10:34:47 pm
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on September 30, 2012, 10:36:17 pm
Post by: Mr Space Cat on September 30, 2012, 10:38:00 pm
DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya,
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Callista on September 30, 2012, 11:16:54 pm
One cat is okay. One cat keeps the vermin away, the absence of which may well stop UristMcHammerLord from tantruming. But did you really have to simultaneously adopt an entire litter of three kittens before I had the chance to turn them into biscuits?
I do commend you on your decision to make friends with felines rather than other dorfs, and to cultivate no particularly useful skills; as a result, your feline masters' plan to populate the fort with an inbred catsplosion can still be foiled. Please report to the danger room, ASAP. If your sanity survives the kitten-kebabs, I may consider letting you live. Maybe.
Your Annoyed (and ironically also real-life-cat-loving) Overseer
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 01, 2012, 12:08:07 am
Please do not send us migrant waves of thirty-two. Ever.
Apparently it is written nowhere on said Page that we have no food. No farmable areas. THIS IS A MOUNTAIN.
So unless the hunters you sent can call, detain, and slay our exalted ancestors, the Coatls, we will STARVE.
Au Revoir, Senorita.
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night, and Zedo Kixidralvictasal "Death Angelbane".
P.S. I will send Zedo to murder you in your sleep. Why do you think I granted the gift of the scythe?
Post by: gbrngfol on October 01, 2012, 12:21:11 am
Dear Zinicad Odunkate, overlady of the Sapiocoatl civilisation of Cikustahisudot, "The Distinct Page"
Please do not send us migrant waves of thirty-two. Ever.
Apparently it is written nowhere on said Page that we have no food. No farmable areas. THIS IS A MOUNTAIN.
So unless the hunters you sent can call, detain, and slay our exalted ancestors, the Coatls, we will STARVE.
Au Revoir, Senorita.
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night, and Zedo Kixidralvictasal "Death Angelbane".
P.S. I will send Zedo to murder you in your sleep. Why do you think I granted the gift of the scythe?
Dear Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
The Sapiocoatls are either useless, dangerous, prone to excessive sunshine consumption or all of the above. We have no choice but to send them away.
Yours truly,
Zinicad Odunkate, Overlady of "The Distant Page"
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 01, 2012, 12:34:38 am
Dear Zinicad Odunkate, overlady of the Sapiocoatl civilisation of Cikustahisudot, "The Distinct Page"
Please do not send us migrant waves of thirty-two. Ever.
Apparently it is written nowhere on said Page that we have no food. No farmable areas. THIS IS A MOUNTAIN.
So unless the hunters you sent can call, detain, and slay our exalted ancestors, the Coatls, we will STARVE.
Au Revoir, Senorita.
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night, and Zedo Kixidralvictasal "Death Angelbane".
P.S. I will send Zedo to murder you in your sleep. Why do you think I granted the gift of the scythe?
Dear Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
The Sapiocoatls are either useless, dangerous, prone to excessive sunshine consumption or all of the above. We have no choice but to send them away.
Yours truly,
Zinicad Odunkate, Overlady of "The Distant Page"
Dear Zinicad Odunkate, Overlady of "The Distant Page"
Sleep with one eye open, lest your midnight blue scales turn deep scarlet.
Signed,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
My overlady Odunkate,
You may not be my overlady for much longer.
If you're half as sharp as my scythes, you'll catch my drift.
May the wind be ever under your wings,
Zedo Kixidralvictasal, Angelbane.
Post by: Mageziya on October 01, 2012, 03:41:01 pm
DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear SPACE CAT
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tahujdt on October 01, 2012, 03:50:50 pm
DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear SPACE CATSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: misko27 on October 01, 2012, 03:52:21 pm
Dear Mageziya:DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear SPACE CATSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ki11aGhost on October 01, 2012, 04:33:19 pm
Edit: Thanks. Forgot it was restricted and not forbidden.
Post by: Mageziya on October 01, 2012, 07:35:39 pm
Wouldn't setting the actual wall space to a forbidden traffic zone work? (d-o-r) They don't need to stand on it to build the wall, so I doubt it will affect the building, just them not stepping there.There is no such thing as a forbidden traffic zone. Only restricted, which, even then, dorfs can still walk over it. I've tried restricted zones, I've tried burrows, I've tried suspend timings, All I can do is hope I get lucky.
This is the bug I look forward to being fixed the most.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on October 01, 2012, 09:12:11 pm
You gotta be kidding me. The elven caravan arrives, and out of all the 60 or so dwarves we suddenly have residing in FigureCurse, you suddenly get some stupid idea and lock yourself in a workshop.
Do you have some sort of social issue that makes you unwilling to trade with caravans or something? Do you find it awkward and need to come up with some excuse not to go meet the caravan? Because you could just say so, I'll assign another dwarf who's willing to do his job instead of you, I don't mind.
I hope whatever crap you make out of one log and a gem is the greatest thing ever or else.
Post by: DiezIrae on October 02, 2012, 07:02:56 am
Why did your blood poison the well after your head was sent against a wall?
Post by: Clover Magic on October 02, 2012, 11:06:18 am
First, I don't know why half of you arrived as "friendly" units stuck at the edge of the map instead of actual migrants, but DFHack fixed that, so that's okay. What's not okay is you apparently deciding that this meant you did not own any clothes and stripping down to your birthday suit.
Please go put your clothes on. We're on a tundra. I did a temperature check, the outside air is colder than glacier ice. You're probably feeling a bit drafty. Also I will not be held responsible for any bad thoughts you decide to accumulate after you realize that you threw your clothes into a pile and streaked across the snow to the fort and now everyone can see you in all your glory. I think your wife will probably be less than pleased about that.
Sincerely,
bemused overseer
Post by: Meistermoxx on October 02, 2012, 11:33:32 am
Breed and train endless hordes of war-kobolds
Post by: Exitstrategy on October 02, 2012, 06:18:01 pm
Please stop sending fisherdwarves. We have no fishing industry whatsoever in Workhide. Why? Because it rains elf blood all year 'round! If we wanted to bathe in elf blood for food, we'd eat the damn elves who come to trade their garbage twigs. Why don't you send a mason, or maybe even a miner? This shit gets old when half the population needs to be told not to fish.
With distaste,
-Exitstrategy, Leader of Workhide
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 03, 2012, 12:13:02 am
I give up.
Where the hell is the entrance to the Mountainhome? Or have you summoned the three asterisks through some elven druidry?
May the wind be ever under your wings,
Zedo Kixidralvictasal, Angelbane
Post by: misko27 on October 03, 2012, 12:26:36 am
Dear Zinicad Odunkate, overlady of "The Distinct Page",In the current version, yes.
I give up.
Where the hell is the entrance to the Mountainhome? Or have you summoned the three asterisks through some elven druidry?
May the wind be ever under your wings,
Zedo Kixidralvictasal, Angelbane
Post by: Zio on October 04, 2012, 10:59:37 am
As hilarious as I find you using the baby as a meat shield when a kobold ambushes you I just can't justify you letting him bleed out from his now non exstent arm just because you think doctors are evil.
Bottom line: Drop the kid at the fully equipped hospital or drop it in the woods, either way I don't want you bitching because your son died after you pretty much murdered him.
Post by: Olith McHuman on October 04, 2012, 06:49:57 pm
Getting possessed is a bad idea. Getting possessed while pushing a heavy cart uphill is an even worse idea.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 05, 2012, 04:18:18 am
- Vopgu Nengekema, the Flamewielder woodcutter
- Cermu Izbapestramez, the Deathcaster mason
- Ijamo Urazizegenrit, the Icespitter landmarcher ranger
- Evusp Akmushaduren and Eretholu Iquabuji, the Fisher and Miner of the Darkless
- Estramez Cusnuzinicad and Saxaca Inbaxuren, the Miner and Metalsmith of the Lakecleavers
You have been chosen by me and my associate, Deathcaster negative lord Zedo Kixidralvictasal, as the first seven Sapiocoatls to be of the Seven Castes. Sadly, not all of you are unique in your caste. Still, it is likely that an Ironscale and a Quicksilver will join us soon.
You are the seven that shall stand proud and tall as those who united the Castes. Ijamo, as landmarcher, you are in charge.
Best of luck, and may the wind be ever under your wings,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night.
Post by: Berossus on October 05, 2012, 04:34:23 am
Dear FeyKnittingClub,
STOP MAKING ARTIFACT CLOTHES.
I only have 1 useful artifact at this point, a Pine Door. The others are 3 clothing items and a figurine. Fuck you guys.
Sincerely,
Someone who will kill you if they get one more useless artifact.
Stupid question, but is artefact clothing as indestructible as other artefacts?
In other word, is it impenetrable by mundane weapons, making it the ultimate lightweight armor?
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 05, 2012, 05:00:55 am
Why? Why now? Why not after the mayor was elected?
Why did you jump into the pool AFTER it thawed?
Icespitters are not Lakecleavers. You can't [AMPHIBIOUS].
Why?
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
Post by: Slayerhero90 on October 05, 2012, 07:13:04 am
Dear FeyKnittingClub,
STOP MAKING ARTIFACT CLOTHES.
I only have 1 useful artifact at this point, a Pine Door. The others are 3 clothing items and a figurine. Fuck you guys.
Sincerely,
Someone who will kill you if they get one more useless artifact.
Stupid question, but is artefact clothing as indestructible as other artefacts?
In other word, is it impenetrable by mundane weapons, making it the ultimate lightweight armor?
No. They just don't decay over time.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 05, 2012, 08:53:25 pm
I hate you for corrupting my world.
If you didn't cost my entire savings, you would be gone. I think.
Signed
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night.
P.S. Well, now I can work on the Unowheba and the Youkai, I guess...
Post by: Akura on October 06, 2012, 11:28:26 am
Stop complaining that you don't have any ash to make lye. There's bars of ash. There's bars of ash in the stockpile three tiles away from the workshop. Now stop complaining and go make that lye, since I'm getting sick of the soap makers complaing about the lack of lye.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: bukitodinos on October 06, 2012, 12:03:42 pm
FARM DAMMIT
-bukit
Post by: RedMageCole on October 06, 2012, 12:28:36 pm
STOP FUCKING GOING OUT AND JACKING OFF TO THE ZOMBIES AND GETTING KILLED
YOU SUICIDAL ASSHOLES
-COLE
P.S. ALSO LEARN HOW TO MINE FASTER AND PICK UP A PICK
Post by: Eric Blank on October 06, 2012, 03:09:10 pm
Keep up the good work, but do it faster. Freaking FPS is down to ~15 and there's jack-shit-all going on
Your moderately abusive overseer.
P.S; Why is there a cat swimming around at the bottom of the waterfall?
Post by: darkgloomie on October 07, 2012, 01:24:47 pm
P.S; Why is there a cat swimming around at the bottom of the waterfall?Why not? It ain't doing any harm there, at least. Maybe it'll drown, and save you the trouble!
Dear Urist McUSelessFarmer
You got a possessed mood, and made a useless artifact. On top of being yet another useless migrant who came with FISHING SKILLS when my river has no fishes.
I'm seriously debating building a deathtrap just for you.
Sincerely, your Overseer.
Post by: TheDarkStar on October 07, 2012, 01:52:55 pm
WHY did you feel the urge to dig the channel to breach the magma layer WHILE ON THE SPOT? The only reason you got any memorial at all was to stop you from haunting the fort.
Signed, the overseer
Post by: birdy51 on October 07, 2012, 05:55:24 pm
You are doing just fine, considering that the world you live in is a perpetual hell-hole of death and disease. Despite being constantly preyed upon by rodents, goblins, dragons, and the occasional wild kea, I know that I can occasionally trust you to pull that vital lever to protect the fortress from imminent death. Keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
Birdy51
((Someone has to be nice to the dwarves!))
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on October 07, 2012, 06:17:53 pm
Stop drinking the mod energy drinks. They're a little hard to get and give [NOSLEEP] for just long enough to get shit done. You don't have anything useful to do. Stop drinking the good stuff.
---
Also, what mod are you using Lolfail? It sounds interesting.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 07, 2012, 06:25:56 pm
Post by: Facekillz058 on October 07, 2012, 06:36:19 pm
You got trapped outside during a goblin invasion and a colossus attack at the same time.
I was impressed when every goblin that got you was punched the the face until it died.
I was depressed that a lung got torn apart in your valiant fighting against the little green shits, as I thought for sure you were finished.
You were launched 15 tiles into a tree, and I knew it was the end, I was expecting gibblets.
But you weren't done. No, you went into a martial trance and charged back into the fight. You dodged every single hit it threw at you, despite being horribly crippled at this point.
You punched and dodged and you killed the bloody thing.
You didn't even die to that lung that doesn't work anymore.
You will be receiving all the artifact socks.
The statue the colossus left is being moved into your new throne room as we speak.
A hero like you has not been seen among the suicidal masses in a long time.
You must be blessed by Armok.
Your utterly baffled god,
Facekillz.
Oh, by the way, you'll never walk again.
Post by: darkgloomie on October 07, 2012, 06:48:03 pm
The barrel of booze you've been lugging around has space to be put into a stockpile. So why are you saying it doesn't?
Just admit it, you want the booze for yourself. i won't be angry. It's not like i was already planning to send you to daycare, so it wouldn't change anything.
Yours truly, Overseer.
Post by: gbrngfol on October 07, 2012, 10:45:55 pm
How the hell did you manage to not bleed when every single one of your bodyparts had at least three bolts in them? Seriously you must have the thickest skin known to Dwarfkind. I'm incredibly amazed that you survived as long as you did and your slab will go on the most noble position at the top of my tallest tower.
Yours truly,
A very amazed Random Homicidal Maniac.
Post by: Sus on October 08, 2012, 01:53:57 am
Could you possibly somehow try and find tme in your sternuous explosive breeding regimen to actually do some labors? You know, that pesky stuff that's absolutely essential for keeping you and your vile spawn alive? Or is it really too much to ask? Seriously, 1/4 of our population is toddlers. Is it just me, or is that a problem right there?
Also, when the alert status is updated to "Intruders", it means there are some actual intruders out there, most likely looking for dorfs to kill. In other words, "Intruder Alert!" means "Get the fuck indoors, now!", not "Feel free to take your time, happily skip about in the meadows, smell the flowers and enjoy the sunshine and the occasional hail of arrows and/or a spear to the liver".
-Your Seriously Frustrated Overseer, Sus
P.S. While strange moods are generally appreciated, it wouldn't kill anybody to come down with a mood that actually yields a skill increase, now would it? (Well, technically, in case of a fell mood, it would, but that's a whole 'nother story and not really applicable here.)
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 08, 2012, 06:40:45 am
You know the alcohol shortage? Yeah, the caravan has alcohol. Go trade.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
P.S. Why did I you only go trade when I said anyone could?
Post by: Kedly on October 08, 2012, 07:18:38 am
Thank you for always choosing the bridge you are standing on to take out your frustrations,
I LOVE rebuilding that bridge all the time
Post by: Tamber on October 08, 2012, 11:09:05 am
Why are you all saying it's not your job to farm the fields? My discovering this has led to me face-palming hard enough to dent my *iron helm*; because we currently have no food. That's right, we're currently living off the scrapings from the bottom of the pots. Thankfully, I have managed to persuade the kitchens that it's okay to use the booze to cook up stews of whatever we find; and we are *occasionally* shooting down the odd sparrow over our compound that can be used to add to the pot.
However, it would be nice if we weren't resorting to killing and eating the prisoners chained in the dining hall. I know, it means we've finally found a use for them, and it can train the military at the same time; but we have enough farm-fields that we shouldn't have to resort to this.
Please do your jobs, or I'll give it to someone else, and you will become ...useful. Or, at least, a tasty soup.
Grumpily yours,
Tamber.
Ovr'sr, Metropolis of Susnûul.
Post by: Blucher on October 08, 2012, 08:41:38 pm
I don't want your -pig tail rope-, or your 1230 urist <<+tower-crap barrel+>> (i.e. gold-plated turd). Nor do I want your nasty donkey "sweetbread", your pathetic <<schist bracelet>>, your +copper harp+, or your cushion tanzinite cabochons. I've never even heard of a fucking cabochon, much less a cushion cabochon. I asked for steel, booze, cloth, and wood. That's all I want. Capisce?
Overseer.
P.S. I go through great pains to keep your sorry asses safe. Please at least try to have some modicum of self-preservation and use the safe passages I've provided for you. Don't go traipsing across the wilderness or use the obviously goblin-only passage or you deserve that ballista bolt up your arse.
Post by: BlueMagic on October 08, 2012, 09:05:39 pm
Listen, I love you guys and all. But even with Dwarf Therapist it's a pain to manage you all and the fact that one of your recent waves brought with you thirty dwarves sometime within my second year is not working out for me.
I'm tempted to throw half of you useless pieces of shit into the military and be done with you already. Christ.
Post by: Smashness on October 08, 2012, 10:27:51 pm
I do enjoy you trying to complete your jobs in any way possible, but please, the next time fresh magma comes gushing at you, don't decide to cook yourself.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Stops Playing Dwarf Fortress For A While And Comes Back To Your Suicidal Self.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 08, 2012, 10:50:08 pm
Dear Migrants,Go ahead, there's no potential loss!
Listen, I love you guys and all. But even with Dwarf Therapist it's a pain to manage you all and the fact that one of your recent waves brought with you thirty dwarves sometime within my second year is not working out for me.
I'm tempted to throw half of you useless pieces of shit into the military and be done with you already. Christ.
Post by: hops on October 09, 2012, 03:17:25 am
Dear the Elf who just shot my goddamn hand off,
AHAHAHAHAHA HOW DO YOU LIKE THE FIRES NOW YOU ARE DYING HUGGING A TREE- oh wait you're already a corpse.
Dammit,
Adventurer
Post by: Findulidas on October 09, 2012, 03:37:29 am
If you so desperately need crystal glass for your artifact, dont grab the last rock crystals and add them into it first. Just when I thought this game had shown me everything, new levels of idiocy creeps up.
Sincerely your God and Master the Player
Post by: Berossus on October 09, 2012, 03:42:23 am
Really, theres warm stone here?
Right next to the lava?
Amazing.
I really didnt notice the last 327 times you told me and deleted my carefully placed designations.
We are looking for the last vein of candy we havent mined dry, and trying to breach the circus to give our mighty fortress something to do at last, now go and fucking dig where i tell you you freaking pussy.
Post by: crazysheep on October 09, 2012, 04:33:49 am
Dear insane glassmakerJust forbid the rock crystals he collected using q-f, he'll go and collect other raw gems for his artifact.
If you so desperately need crystal glass for your artifact, dont grab the last rock crystals and add them into it first. Just when I thought this game had shown me everything, new levels of idiocy creeps up.
Sincerely your God and Master the Player
Post by: hops on October 09, 2012, 04:43:31 am
Last I checked dwarves with moods don't obey forbidding.Dear insane glassmakerJust forbid the rock crystals he collected using q-f, he'll go and collect other raw gems for his artifact.
If you so desperately need crystal glass for your artifact, dont grab the last rock crystals and add them into it first. Just when I thought this game had shown me everything, new levels of idiocy creeps up.
Sincerely your God and Master the Player
Post by: crazysheep on October 09, 2012, 04:53:17 am
Post by: darkgloomie on October 09, 2012, 03:09:43 pm
if he's already claimed the crystal, forbidding the item in the building (t-f) will drop it from the list. After that you can use it as you need.Last I checked dwarves with moods don't obey forbidding.Dear insane glassmakerJust forbid the rock crystals he collected using q-f, he'll go and collect other raw gems for his artifact.
If you so desperately need crystal glass for your artifact, dont grab the last rock crystals and add them into it first. Just when I thought this game had shown me everything, new levels of idiocy creeps up.
Sincerely your God and Master the Player
Post by: Lolfail0009 on October 10, 2012, 02:13:25 am
Please don't launch fireballs at a kobold thief and a unowheba thief almost simultaneously, for two reasons:
- You are not a youkai. Only the youkai can launch multiple fireballs at the same time, and
- It just stopped raining. Hint hint.
Signed,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night.
Dear Ucsugospa McWeaver,
Are you made of magic? No, you can't be, that's another youkai trick. How in the hell did you manage to turn a Deathcaster's venom into thread? Were you sprayed and immediately got a 'Collect Web' job? Sweet Adun Adun, you're good.
Signed,
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
(The Deathcaster caste has a [CAN_DO_INTERACTION:MATERIAL_EMISSION] for web, but instead of silk, it's [CDI:MATERIAL:LOCAL_CREATURE_MAT:VENOM:WEB_SPRAY]
Contact syndrome causing paralysis and eventual necrosis. Also, syndromes aren't working for me. Help?)
*Translates into dagger, then to Urist
Post by: ElenaRoan on October 11, 2012, 07:28:31 am
Thank you for being considerate enough to constantly beseige me in the sealed off L2 and L3 caverns.
Dear Ambushing Warlocks,
While I'm glad there has apparently been a scism in your ranks, could you not have the 'discussion' in my entrance corridore?
- Bemused watcher
I'm guessing some Masterwork oddities causing these but still amusing. Got seige after seige in the caverns, which I had only opened briefly, high in the air, to get spores then resealed. And the latest round of ambushes has resulted in 3 lots of warlocks, all battling it out amongst themselves in the entrance corridore, which I wish was fully trapped as they haven't wandered into the traps that have been done so far.
Post by: tahujdt on October 11, 2012, 02:53:43 pm
Post by: Zaffre on October 11, 2012, 04:24:49 pm
Get over the fact that your cats have been slaughtered for nourishment. Yes, we know you liked them, but they're gone now. You'll find another pet, I'm sure.
Me
Post by: Cassandra on October 11, 2012, 10:14:18 pm
Dear Urist,
Get over the fact that your cats have been slaughtered for nourishment. Yes, we know you liked them, but they're gone now. You'll find another pet, I'm sure.
Me
Dear Zaffre
Get over the fact that I went into a fell mood and slaughtered your only legendary Weaponsmith for a sock. Yes, I know you liked him, but he's gone now. You'll find another legendary Weaponsmith, I'm sure.
Urist McCatlover
Post by: Clover Magic on October 11, 2012, 10:57:13 pm
The future magmaworks pipes are not the ideal place to nap. Stop having sleepover parties down there.
Sincerely,
your overseer.
Post by: zehive on October 12, 2012, 02:45:58 am
Congratulations, your work is over. All Athelurosh technologies remain operational up to 4,000 Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in this Athelurosh computer aided trap building activity. Goodbye.
With Love,
The Overseer
Post by: darklord92 on October 12, 2012, 02:52:58 am
Please stop having children, 4 is enough per family one of our mothers has 14 kids I think the fortress population is content.
- Sincerely rawmancer overseer
Post by: tahujdt on October 12, 2012, 01:48:48 pm
Stop tantrumming because you have no clothes! We cannot produce any cloth at this point. Your parents are wearing like twenty items each, steal some from them.
P.S. Stop killing everyone you meet. I'm keeping an eye on you. If you start building an altar to He Who Walks Behind The Rows, I will turn on the Happy Fun Surprises machine.
Post by: pisskop on October 12, 2012, 02:00:36 pm
Dear Urists McUselesskids
Stop tantrumming because you have no clothes! We cannot produce any cloth at this point. Your parents are wearing like twenty items each, steal some from them.
P.S. Stop killing everyone you meet. I'm keeping an eye on you. If you start building an altar to He Who Walks Behind The Rows, I will turn on the Happy Fun Surprises machine.
I would rejoice to see the world's first badass child's pagan fort. Blood and corn for the Blood God!
Post by: Zaffre on October 12, 2012, 04:01:46 pm
There is no reason for you to leave the barrels of wine out that are from the wagon. You're the only one not doing something important already. Your turnips can wait for a little while.
Sincerely,
Urist McBrokerBookkeeperLeaderManager
Post by: Splint on October 12, 2012, 04:04:04 pm
The fact you knew I was thinking of building a mill when you made that millstone disturbs me. But thanks for the millstone.
Signed,
The Overseer.
Post by: zhrike on October 12, 2012, 04:09:33 pm
Thank you for deciding to take a snooze in an obstructed corner of a dingy wood stockpile instead of your meager quarters. Perhaps you were protesting the "meager." What do you want from me? I was busy. In any event, you chose that particular moment when the suspicious Urist McVampire fish dissector/planter/fisherdwarf/macedwarf/swordsdwarf/outgoing social butterfly with a list of past associations that would make Methuselah blush, and this all at the tender age of FORTY, decided to go on break. I was watching, oh yes I was, but what oh what could I do when he happened upon you in your poorly chosen nap site? And yes, you were drained of blood right before my very eyes. So thanks for that.
And this just a month after one of my Urista McLegendaryMiners was found dead in her quarters; the victim of another vampire that I discovered just moments after the crime. Now I have two vampires penned up in rooms behind locked doors just waiting for the chance to go on break and have that drink that they haven't had in far, far too long.
p.s. Dear Urist McVampires: thank you both for choosing my fortress as your
Love, your overseer.
Post by: Voyd211 on October 14, 2012, 08:20:56 pm
I have a very special task for you. It involves tracing a neat outline of channel around the entirety of the fortress, then carving out a cavern filling in that outline below the fortress. The reclamation party will fill the crater with inflammable objects an magma.
Sincerely, your pyromaniac Overseer who can't figure out how to burn anything and needs some other devastation to compensate
Post by: Splint on October 14, 2012, 08:32:18 pm
Trying to storm my depot, which is directly within eyesight of my swordbold muster field, is a good way to become coats, loincloths and soup. Please continue your incessant attacks, as you're a good source of bones and meat in large numbers.
Thank you,
Overmind of this kobold camp.
Post by: Corai on October 14, 2012, 08:40:49 pm
You have armed guards. With metal weapons. I have less than six soldiers, who only have copper clubs or choppers. Are you just trying to be nice by allowing me to steal all your stuff, or are you really that scared of us?
Love, the overseer of this kobold camp. Corai.
Post by: BlueMagic on October 14, 2012, 08:41:53 pm
I sent you to kill a Diamond Dog that tried to steal a cinnabar scepter. You instead decided to go fight a rhinoceros after you failed to kill the Dog. I can understand the need to prove you still have balls but really?
Oh well, you paid for it with your life. You were good carpenter, too.
Post by: Babylon on October 14, 2012, 10:31:06 pm
Dear Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter-
Look man, I'm sorry you got stuck in that hole in the roof with the broker. I'm sure two seasons of isolation up there with him in that one tile gave you plenty of time to get to know one another.
still, that doesn't give you an excuse to die of thirst. Drink your piss or something, I need every dwarf that arrives here!
Yours, That Omniprescent Prick in the Sky
Dear OPitS,
My name was Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter, not Urist McBearGrylls :P
Signed,
the now-named Urist McDead
Dear Dorfs of Firegears,
All things considered (back to back siege, ambush, bigger siege of 40 goblins and their buddies and Lawgiver), you're doing okay. We've lost additional people due to stupid bugs (uninjured dwarves getting stuck on nothing at all and dying of thirst), insanity, and incompetence (on my part, admittedly). But for the love of magma, ENGRAVE THOSE ARMOK-DAMNED SLABS! Appropriate labors are enabled. I turned off hauling etc, there's plenty of slabs, things are accessible, and you craftsdwarves just stand around with your beards up your asses.
Okay, fine. You'd rather haul (as evidenced by your bursting into activity when I turned hauling back on) than prevent this from turning into a haunted fort. Enjoy your ghostly friends.
Annoyed,
Me
You know slab engraving is done with engraving, not stonecarving right?
Post by: Cassandra on October 15, 2012, 02:19:21 am
D'aaaaawwww....Look at the adorable 'bolds stealing our noble's junk.... Maybe they'll steal the noble next.
Those Human Guards
Post by: hops on October 15, 2012, 02:36:15 am
Dear Corai.☼Prepared Human King☼
D'aaaaawwww....Look at the adorable 'bolds stealing our noble's junk.... Maybe they'll steal the noble next.
Those Human Guards
Post by: Voyd211 on October 15, 2012, 07:43:48 am
Why did that giant toad kill all of you? HOW did that giant toad kill all of you? Once I threw a military together out of miners and woodcutters, they tore the bloody thing apart. Why didn't you all fight?
Sincerely, your still-a-pyro overseer
Post by: Cassandra on October 15, 2012, 04:28:28 pm
......
Sincerely, your now dead miners.
Post by: Eric Blank on October 15, 2012, 06:03:52 pm
How the hell do you guys keep winding up in the bottom of the waterfall? There's like no way down there! And you somehow manage to end up in the MIDDLE of the 3x11 area, too. The water can't reach you to wash you in... Or are you somehow winding up at the top of the waterfall?
Sincerely, your overseer who is still surprised by how stupid you are.
P.S. Congratulations to the skinny little woman, Mistem, who made herself a sexy little short skirt artifact. I'll make you captain of the guard and put that in your uniform, along with a whip. Sure the "criminals" would love that.
Post by: Cassandra on October 15, 2012, 08:10:22 pm
Dear population of Headwaters,
How the hell do you guys keep winding up in the bottom of the waterfall? There's like no way down there! And you somehow manage to end up in the MIDDLE of the 3x11 area, too. The water can't reach you to wash you in... Or are you somehow winding up at the top of the waterfall?
Sincerely, your overseer who is still surprised by how stupid you are.
P.S. Congratulations to the skinny little woman, Mistem, who made herself a sexy little short skirt artifact. I'll make you captain of the guard and put that in your uniform, along with a whip. Sure the "criminals" would love that.
Dear Eric,
Thank you for the promotion. I will endeavor to make sure the last thing your criminals see is that short skirt before I lash their brains out. I'll start with the idiots by the waterfall.
Sincerely, Mistem, Captain of the Guard.
Post by: BlueMagic on October 15, 2012, 08:29:10 pm
How the hell you managed to bite off the eagle woman's tongue will be a mystery for the ages. Thank you for the mental image.
Post by: Voyd211 on October 15, 2012, 08:50:33 pm
It seems you are now impervious to magma and dragonfire. This is most disconcerting indeed. First fort on Mac: lots of cages and hopefully webs. Hoping that you don't reanimate your own severed head, but there's precedent for autonomous robot craniums. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=bZjfvt9GkUA#t=277s)
Post by: Deus Machina on October 18, 2012, 08:03:08 am
You are pastured in an area with plenty of grass and vegetation. Please stop starving to death.
Dear Urists McMerchants,
You were 'leaving soon,' and I got the announcement that you packed up and left... so why are you still in my depot?
There is a three-urist-wide path straight into the depot, and you had no complaints about crossing the 3-wide-1-long retractable bridge on the way in.
So either trade some more or stuff your new piles of amulets and figurines into your carts and GTFO.
Freeloaders.
Post by: Splint on October 18, 2012, 12:17:54 pm
Either that or they're taking thier sweet time loading up and GTFOing.
Post by: Deus Machina on October 18, 2012, 06:48:19 pm
They did eventually leave, about the time the elves were due.
Still can't figure out why half my livestock starves.
Post by: thefish1992 on October 18, 2012, 07:57:17 pm
To; local necromancer tower
cc; recent seige
well to start off i would like to thank you for donating so many zombies to are fort, it has kept are soap industry running quite smoothly.
(zombie scented soap is quite popular you know), but i am curious as to were you get so many dead bodies. does the local morgue run a 50% off weekend or something? Just curious.
Sincerely Thefish1992
From; Thefish1992
To; Elves
cc; Mutant Fae Dogs
Don't bring them. I don't want them. they spontaneously combust every time they come near my fort, and because of this, you hypocrites are doing more damage to the environment then i am! and I'm a Overseer god dammit! keep bring those dam things and the next time you yell about my wood industry, ill boatmurder your asses.
Go to the Circus, Thefish1992
From; Thefish1992
To; mountain home traders guild
cc; recent firebombings
look i understand that their is a fierce competition at the mountain home, and i also understand that sometimes you have to use more "permanent" measure against your compettitors. but when you are going to firebomb the trade depot their at, please don't do it at my fortress.
i mean i do appreciate the brides you send me, and the fact that you replaced the dwarf i last with one that was a master of that trade(fishing ::)) it sort of frustrarting when you ignite my surrounding country side ablaze just to kill a problem merchant.
Sincerely Thefish1992
(i love the masterwork mod, but it can be a WTF every now and then.)
Post by: wer6 on October 18, 2012, 07:58:09 pm
why the F*** did you wanted to be a adamantine sword golelm when you choud've signed up to be the spear golem i just ordered up
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 18, 2012, 08:31:33 pm
No traps yet. Maybe later. I'll put the depot closer to the outside to give more room inside for traps.Try giving them larger pastures.
They did eventually leave, about the time the elves were due.
Still can't figure out why half my livestock starves.
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on October 19, 2012, 02:55:04 pm
Traps might be blocking the wagons. I had that same problem.
Either that or they're taking thier sweet time loading up and GTFOing.
Sometimes, if you didn't build a road, a tree will sprout up and block the path they took as well. I had a caravan appear pretty close to my fortress and go straight in, when they left there was a tree in the way and they went pretty much on a tour of the entire embark.
Post by: Zaffre on October 19, 2012, 03:34:23 pm
I appreciate your coming to our fortress and I am glad we had the opportunity to trade with you. However, you do not seem to be leaving. The tunnel out is just outside of the trading depot, yet you refuse to exit and instead stay inside of the depot. I would appreciate it if you were to exit the depot and leave it ready for next year's caravan.
Sincerely,
Overseer Zaffre
Post by: Oaktree on October 20, 2012, 10:06:03 pm
When you turned up to try to get a peace agreement we were willing to honor your status as a diplomat and allow you safe entrance to the fortress in order to meet with the mayor. Though we refused your overtures for peace your safe conduct to depart was still protected.
However, when you decided to take an extended unauthorized detour from your clear exit route to walk through the main defenses of the fortress your safe exit was then rescinded. Enjoy your stay and subsequent insanity in the utility ditch. Perhaps some goblins will join you at some point.
-The Administration of Waterspear
Post by: cam on October 21, 2012, 10:03:54 am
I know it's a pain in the ass to walk all the way around the moat to get to the Eastern half of the map. However, please stop trying to get there via the new part of said moat that has ramps. The Moat is constantly flowing because it gets diverted off to the nearby cliff and dwarf legs are not powerful enough to beat the current of the moat. Which means that YOU get diverted off to the nearby cliff. Please stop this.
Love,
Your ever omnicient overseer
Post by: Donuts on October 21, 2012, 11:02:51 am
Dear Dwarves,Dear Mr. Overseer,
I know it's a pain in the ass to walk all the way around the moat to get to the Eastern half of the map. However, please stop trying to get there via the new part of said moat that has ramps. The Moat is constantly flowing because it gets diverted off to the nearby cliff and dwarf legs are not powerful enough to beat the current of the moat. Which means that YOU get diverted off to the nearby cliff. Please stop this.
Love,
Your ever omnicient overseer
We just like baths, and we even train swimming! Plus the doctors get training.
Learn to see the good sides of stuff,
The Dwarves.
Post by: Clover Magic on October 21, 2012, 03:36:26 pm
Yes, I know zombie fish are terrifying. There are many legends about the horrors of zombie carps and sturgeons, both of which are currently in our river.
However, they are in the bottom of the river after a 11 zlevel waterfall, and are zombies because they were normal fish that fell to their deaths down the waterfall and reanimated due to our sinister biome (or in the case of the sturgeon, smacked with zombie pike tails for two seasons until dead). There are at least 10 levels of sheer unramped cliff between you and the zombie fish, and despite their terrifying features and no need to breathe water, they haven't learned how to fly. You're safe. So stop cancelling jobs just because you see a scary thing in the water. It can't get you.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: Cassandra on October 21, 2012, 09:09:26 pm
But what if they climbed?
Terrified Workers.
Post by: Clover Magic on October 21, 2012, 09:10:15 pm
Thankfully Toady hasn't released the new version yet, so they are still climb-less.
Overseer.
Post by: Cassandra on October 21, 2012, 09:13:15 pm
Wait, they WILL be able to climb, at the whim of a god? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!
Really Terrified Workers, with recently damaged Loinclothes.
Post by: Eric Blank on October 21, 2012, 11:47:37 pm
Thanks for not being complete dickheads this year, so we don't have to kill you and take all your stuff when you refuse to trade for less than 300% profit margins. Now, despite my broker still having abysmal social skills, how about you drive your prices down a bit lower? Before I have to get the pointy sticks out?
Sincerely, the Overseer of Headwaters who is a very shrewd trader.
Merchants these days... I used to make 13k trades with a 5☼ profit margin, now I have to hand over 2☼ for every 1 they surrender. Needless to say, my imported wealth tends to be very, very high, and my exported wealth very, very low in recent months.
Post by: Hanslanda on October 22, 2012, 01:01:03 am
Great job. You did pretty fantastically, killing all those goblins that one time. It was awesome. I was so excited. But... You see... I'm kind of tired of my entire military being stuck in a tiny corridor because a webtitan plonked down at one end of it, and is just spamming webs ad infinitum. So. Since you're the closest one, and a badass to boot, could you kindly stab it, preferably in the brain? It's like two steps away. Surely you can make it two steps.
Please.
Just kill it.
Sincerely,
Overlord
Post by: Eric Blank on October 22, 2012, 01:06:50 am
Post by: Mr Space Cat on October 24, 2012, 06:38:51 pm
Why are the three of you all sleeping in the same bed?...and in the hospital no less. Are you guys just that kinky or something?
Also, leave some room at least for the engraver who bumped his head open. Honestly, show some respect, guys.
Post by: Zaffre on October 24, 2012, 11:01:05 pm
I am glad you understand that whenever I tell you to do something, you do it. However, there seems to be an issue. You lately forget about mining, instead deciding to move the stones you have mined into the nearest stockpile which is much higher than you. You have been ordered to mine on over eight layers of stone, and I would like to see it done.
Sincerly,
The Overseer
Post by: darklord92 on October 25, 2012, 08:47:54 am
I know the dam being finished is a great celebration but half the population singing to dwarven carrieoky in the shower hall is not going to stop the flood in the west wing.
sincerely the overseer
Post by: Zaffre on October 25, 2012, 10:41:42 am
When we set out, we were to establish a fortress. This fortress was supposed to be self sufficient and easily defensible. You recently dug into a cave. I do not understand how a single helmet snake could take on five of you and kill two, and still be left standing. Because of the two dead dwarves, the rest of the fortress has been launched into a tantrum spiral. Also, I understand why one of you tried to bite its head off but now that you've been bitten in the head there isn't much to do for you.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: 4533josh on October 28, 2012, 01:02:19 pm
When a legendary miner who's only labor is mining has "Violated a production order" set by the manager, please do not stab him in the face, when there is a perfectly good jail right there.
It is also hypocritical to accuse others of not doing their jobs when after 10 sieges, your only kill is an innocent miner, and you prefer to stay in the booze supply complaining and wounding random animals with your Candy sword than actually leading your men on a patrol.
Yours sincerely,
the guy setting up magma tubes to your room
<3
Post by: Maestro Ugo on October 28, 2012, 01:28:05 pm
I understand crafting rock mugs is not the most interesting thing in the world and you want some diversity in your life, but walking 7z levels down to pick up a block of stone, when there is a perfectly nice block on a stockpile 1 square from your workpost will not be tolerated.
Your Fatedecider
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 28, 2012, 01:45:44 pm
Dear Genomes,But what if they swam up the waterfall?
Yes, I know zombie fish are terrifying. There are many legends about the horrors of zombie carps and sturgeons, both of which are currently in our river.
However, they are in the bottom of the river after a 11 zlevel waterfall, and are zombies because they were normal fish that fell to their deaths down the waterfall and reanimated due to our sinister biome (or in the case of the sturgeon, smacked with zombie pike tails for two seasons until dead). There are at least 10 levels of sheer unramped cliff between you and the zombie fish, and despite their terrifying features and no need to breathe water, they haven't learned how to fly. You're safe. So stop cancelling jobs just because you see a scary thing in the water. It can't get you.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Urist McMiner, Urist McFisherdorf, and Urist McFarmer,Don't blame us, blame the moron who tossed us on top of each other!
Why are the three of you all sleeping in the same bed?...and in the hospital no less. Are you guys just that kinky or something?
Also, leave some room at least for the engraver who bumped his head open. Honestly, show some respect, guys.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on October 28, 2012, 01:56:24 pm
Dear Urist McMiner, Urist McFisherdorf, and Urist McFarmer,Don't blame us, blame the moron who tossed us on top of each other!
Why are the three of you all sleeping in the same bed?...and in the hospital no less. Are you guys just that kinky or something?
Also, leave some room at least for the engraver who bumped his head open. Honestly, show some respect, guys.
You misunderstand, the only dwarf that was injured was the engraver.
Everyone else involved was perfectly healthy and even had their own rooms to sleep in...right down the hall from the hospital.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on October 28, 2012, 02:37:59 pm
...You misunderstand, the only dwarf that was injured was the engraver.Dear Urist McMiner, Urist McFisherdorf, and Urist McFarmer,Don't blame us, blame the moron who tossed us on top of each other!
Why are the three of you all sleeping in the same bed?...and in the hospital no less. Are you guys just that kinky or something?
Also, leave some room at least for the engraver who bumped his head open. Honestly, show some respect, guys.
Everyone else involved was perfectly healthy and even had their own rooms to sleep in...right down the hall from the hospital.
Stupid dwarves!
Post by: wer6 on October 28, 2012, 03:19:47 pm
Post by: Eoganachta on October 29, 2012, 05:21:33 am
When your moment of inspiration strikes and the gods send you a vision of your life's purpose why isn't something like this. I would have thought that automated drinking vessels would have been more important than collecting your dead child's socks at the bottom of the waterfall.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hayvel on October 30, 2012, 12:46:13 am
I understand you're upset. The fortress has gotten off to a hard start with both our miners getting killed off by zombies, and that you, along with everyone else was forced to stay inside for a year while we forged weapons and armor. It's understandable that would upset you! It's also understandable that you would be upset about being drafted, and did not have any clothes to wear. That was my bad. I thought we'd have more armor to wear by now. Of course, if any of you idiots could understand that armor is just a bit more important to wear than clothing, I wouldn't have to force you all to remove your clothing in the first place. We're getting off topic, though.
Firstly, some apologies. I'm sorry that, while destroying the zombies threatening us, you had to go into battle naked. I'm sorry that you got your hand broken. I'm sorry that no one thought to put you in one of the hospital beds, and instead tossed you on the ground. And I am sorry that no one thought to bring you water.
Obviously, you have plenty of reason to be upset. And that is perfectly acceptable. What is UNACCEPTABLE however, is how you chose to deal with your frustration. Namely, losing your mind, and lopping off the head of the nearest person, who just happened to be the fortress's sole weapon and armor crafter.
Not only did you kill him though, you decided to do it LESS THAN A SECOND before dying of dehydration, so that even if I wanted to exact revenge upon you, I am incapable. The only thing I can do is write this letter, and hope that it and my rage reach you in the firey pits of Hell. Hope that it scares you. Hope that it terrifies you so completely that you will spend your time dreading the day that I too die and follow after you, regretting your inability to hang onto your sanity for even one moment longer, long enough to drop dead without making things worse. And when that day comes, I shall make you long for the simple tortures of Hell, as a reprieve from my own.
Sincerely,
The Fortress Overseer.
Post by: Cassandra on October 30, 2012, 12:55:38 am
Hey, man. Chilling in Dwarf Heaven for goin' out in a Dorfy way. Enjoying afterlife, and they actually LET ME WEAR CLOTHES!
Glad you aren't here,
Expedition Leader
Post by: wer6 on October 30, 2012, 05:55:26 am
yes i dug to hell with elf's :3
Post by: Ultimuh on October 30, 2012, 06:03:40 am
yes i dug to hell with elf's :3
So what do you call them? Deep Elves? :p
Post by: wer6 on October 30, 2012, 06:05:40 am
Post by: Ultimuh on October 30, 2012, 06:07:54 am
Post by: itisnotlogical on October 30, 2012, 07:33:27 am
Garbage dumping is literally the only thing I ask you to do. I keep you alive for that very purpose. Pick up dead vermin, drag them outside so the fort looks nice. Why won't you do this one simple task?
-Urist McExpeditionLeader
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 30, 2012, 11:33:23 am
Wouldn't it behoove you to not injure the kid you're trying to kidnap? Especially, you might wish to refrain from cutting off their freaking leg, as what happened with Urist McBabby back in the second year of the fort. Unfortunately for the would-be thief, mom turned around and kicked his goblin butt all the way to Armok. The baby survived, and I now have a legendary crutchwalker 10 years later :P But still, dead kids aren't any good to you, except maybe in a stew.
PS: Send more kidnappers. I have too many kids, and my military can use the live practice.
Post by: wer6 on October 30, 2012, 04:49:44 pm
Pretty much like Dwarves then. :P
except with ethics: and no metals. playing as elfs is pretty hard think of DF without mining and masonry: i barely survived a gobo ambush of 5! they took a wood clad masterful bow wielding wood clad elfs too paste: damn der wood'n speers
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 31, 2012, 01:31:30 pm
Pretty much like Dwarves then. :P
except with ethics: and no metals. playing as elfs is pretty hard think of DF without mining and masonry: i barely survived a gobo ambush of 5! they took a wood clad masterful bow wielding wood clad elfs too paste: damn der wood'n speers
what mod is this, or is it something you did yourself? I'm curious!
Post by: wer6 on October 31, 2012, 02:09:22 pm
Post by: Splint on October 31, 2012, 02:36:52 pm
playablecivs+ it is in alpha: you cna farm trees though. you get 2-6 per tree "crop and i use those tree crop to build treehouses: untill i got fucked up by a goblin seige when i had no military.
They CAN grow mystic metal plants actually. serpentia seeds will yield copper, lead, silver, and iron if memory serves. However you need to wait until the second year humies for an anvil and blocks.
Post by: wer6 on October 31, 2012, 03:00:44 pm
Post by: Splint on October 31, 2012, 03:04:58 pm
Post by: wer6 on October 31, 2012, 03:36:48 pm
Post by: Splint on October 31, 2012, 03:39:37 pm
Post by: wer6 on October 31, 2012, 03:43:40 pm
Post by: katana on October 31, 2012, 04:18:31 pm
Don't rush past the army of elite dwarves into the source of horrible screams.
Post by: Don Blake on October 31, 2012, 05:30:46 pm
Sincerely, Urist McMigrantProcessor
Post by: wer6 on October 31, 2012, 06:48:49 pm
Dear Urists McMigrants- the fort is in the middle of its death throes. Dwarves are going mad left and right, the countess has locked herself in her chambers to starve to death, somebody made an earring out of of someone else, and the whole thing is only marginally being held together by the fact that the elite military dwarves don't care enough about the people they've spent the last ten years protecting to have a problem slaughtering them when they go mad. Why would you come here?
Sincerely, Urist McMigrantProcessor
dear mcmigrantprocessor
we just LOVE rings! i meant a ring of that qallity alone is enough for me the fact that is made of someone else is also just grand! i hope i can be a ring too!
Post by: Splint on October 31, 2012, 06:59:52 pm
Dear Urists McMigrants- the fort is in the middle of its death throes. Dwarves are going mad left and right, the countess has locked herself in her chambers to starve to death, somebody made an earring out of of someone else, and the whole thing is only marginally being held together by the fact that the elite military dwarves don't care enough about the people they've spent the last ten years protecting to have a problem slaughtering them when they go mad. Why would you come here?
Sincerely, Urist McMigrantProcessor
dear mcmigrantprocessor
we just LOVE rings! i meant a ring of that qallity alone is enough for me the fact that is made of someone else is also just grand! i hope i can be a ring too!
Wouldn't you rather be a sword when you grow up?
Post by: Cassandra on October 31, 2012, 10:02:55 pm
Wouldn't you rather be a sword when you grow up?
Why wait? Become a pickaxe, and you won't NEED to grow up.
Post by: wer6 on November 01, 2012, 05:55:44 am
Post by: Callista on November 01, 2012, 08:39:53 am
I understand that throwing a tantrum and punching somebody is the natural response to the death of a pet bunny. But did you really have to choose the fortress's steel-clad, Legendary-Hammerdwarf militia captain as your punching bag? The peasants are still cleaning your brains off the dining room floor, where they're doing about as much good as they did while they were in your thick skull.
With The Usual Exasperation,
Your Overseer.
Post by: wer6 on November 01, 2012, 03:36:16 pm
Dear Urist McDeceased,
I understand that throwing a tantrum and punching somebody is the natural response to the death of a pet bunny. But did you really have to choose the fortress's steel-clad, Legendary-Hammerdwarf militia captain as your punching bag? The peasants are still cleaning your brains off the dining room floor, where they're doing about as much good as they did while they were in your thick skull.
With The Usual Exasperation,
Your Overseer.
dear overseer
i just wanted to spar!
Post by: BeenCarl on November 01, 2012, 09:38:37 pm
Just because I place the dumping zone next to a pond does not mean miss the zone and throw it in. Especially after I reset the zone 4 times before I realise where that mist is actually coming from.
Yours truly annoyed,
Overseer
Post by: Lolfail0009 on November 01, 2012, 10:20:06 pm
Dear Urist McQuantumStockpiler.
Just because I place the dumping zone next to a pond does not mean miss the zone and throw it in. Especially after I reset the zone 4 times before I realise where that mist is actually coming from.
Yours truly annoyed,
Overseer
If the pond floor is on a lower z-level than the zone, the items will be thrown in without a care in the HFS.
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 02, 2012, 01:45:47 am
Why did you have to steal the fort's only artifact? Dick move man, dick move.
- Urist McOverseer
Post by: Imp on November 02, 2012, 03:41:15 am
I have counted coup upon you, I made it back safe with
I have been crowned for this, crowned. You may call me Bleenkis McKoboldKINGthief now.
I get to make edicts now. I have told my people that I will name my successor as whomever steals another artifact from you, and I told them how really easy it was.
We're coming for you dwarveses. In large numbers. Larger numbers. More numbers of us then I can count!
Make more artifacts to be best ready for us. I don't want my edicts to be wasted.
Bleenkis McKoboldKINGthief
who will never forget the trick he played on you
who will never let his people forget that you can be tricked
who will never let you forget that you are worth stealing from
Post by: wer6 on November 02, 2012, 06:23:19 am
from: your ambassador that now has no arms.
Post by: Splint on November 02, 2012, 01:02:05 pm
Subject: Treechopping
YOUR KIND HAD A HAND IN BURNING OUR HOMES DOWN! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!
Post by: bobboy555 on November 02, 2012, 02:01:20 pm
Please, for the love of Armok, don't take your child into the danger room and not expect it to die.
Yours displeasedly, the Overseer (Your master-god-leader).
Post by: wer6 on November 02, 2012, 02:10:33 pm
To: Ambassador
Subject: Treechopping
YOUR KIND HAD A HAND IN BURNING OUR HOMES DOWN! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!
dear elfs: it seems we are the only dwarfs in the entire PLANET! i feel afraid for our race: welp I just finished building the adamantine axe golem: he wont chop trees he will chop arms: your arms if you trie to attack us again.
seriosuly: the ferric elfs are badass in steel clad stolen from the dwarven mountain homes that are now ransacked may armok have mercy on our souls: also it appears there is a !!FUN!! shortage. please send in the minotaurs and the firemancers. also: our queen is a elf: may
Post by: Splint on November 02, 2012, 02:18:25 pm
Post by: Cassandra on November 02, 2012, 02:19:18 pm
Dear Urist McSwordsDwarf
Please, for the love of Armok, don't take your child into the danger room and not expect it to die.
Yours displeasedly, the Overseer (Your master-god-leader).
Dear Overseer
The danger room was safer than the childcare you wanted me to put my son in. What was I to do? Also, TANTRUM!
Smashin' your room,
Urist McSwordsDwarf
Post by: lordofthenothing on November 02, 2012, 03:20:17 pm
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Post by: Mr Space Cat on November 02, 2012, 03:42:54 pm
Dear Urist McEngraver.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Dear Overseer,
C'mon man, have you seen my asses? They're works of pure art! I'll even engrave one in your bedroom for you. You'll love it.
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 02, 2012, 04:07:49 pm
I want engravings- engravings of asses!
Urist McOverseer
Post by: bobboy555 on November 02, 2012, 04:59:22 pm
Dear Urist McSwordsDwarfDear Urist McSwordsDwarf
Please, for the love of Armok, don't take your child into the danger room and not expect it to die.
Yours displeasedly, the Overseer (Your master-god-leader).
Dear Overseer
The danger room was safer than the childcare you wanted me to put my son in. What was I to do? Also, TANTRUM!
Smashin' your room,
Urist McSwordsDwarf
Please deposit your child into the hatches located opposite the legendary dining room before attempting to smashing my room, the child may get injured or killed. I'm sure the masterwork socks and mist generator will calm you down after I have your spouse and brother thrown in the arena.
Yours somewhat worriedly, your master-leader-slavedriver-god, The Overseer.
Post by: Zaffre on November 03, 2012, 05:14:38 am
When I asked you to make traps, I meant it. Now a horde of badgers is ravaging our settlement because of the lack of traps and military. Next time please do what you're told.
Getting mauled,
Your Overseer
Post by: tahujdt on November 03, 2012, 01:53:15 pm
Dear Urist McEngraver.I think your engraver goes to my school, since I have seen his work on the walls of the restroom.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 03, 2012, 01:55:15 pm
Dear Urist McEngraver.I think your engraver goes to my school, since I have seen his work on the walls of the restroom.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Is he good?
Post by: Jellycat12 on November 03, 2012, 02:00:16 pm
It is not my fault you walled yourself off with an Emu. Stop complaining about being thirsty.
Baffled,
Jellycat12.
Post by: Eric Blank on November 03, 2012, 03:18:35 pm
SOMEONE HELP! IT'S STARING AT ME WITH THOSE MALEVOLENT EYES!
sincerely, Urist McDoesn'tWantToBePeckedToDeath
Post by: Jellycat12 on November 03, 2012, 03:20:45 pm
They don't eat meat. Now stop being on break and remove the wall.
You're an idiot,
Jellycat12
Post by: wer6 on November 03, 2012, 09:51:06 pm
sincerly your angry overseer of magmalaughter
Post by: Callista on November 03, 2012, 09:53:57 pm
Merely dabbling, if he's anything like the ones that frequent my city's bus stops. Truly great engravers prefer street art and mostly stay away from asses. 8)Dear Urist McEngraver.I think your engraver goes to my school, since I have seen his work on the walls of the restroom.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Is he good?
Speaking of engravers...
Dear UristMcMasterEngraver,
Under the assumption that you have at least half a brain, I designated two rooms on two different floors to be engraved. I do not appreciate your insistence on engraving one tile in the first room, hiking down to the second room to engrave a couple of tiles there, then heading back to the first room to do a similarly small amount of work. At this rate, you'll become a Legendary Stair-User long before you top out your engraving profession.
Post by: bobboy555 on November 04, 2012, 10:24:39 am
I don't see the problem you have with pulling the death-lever in your room...
Frustratedly, your Overseer.
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 04, 2012, 12:15:23 pm
Why aren't you digging? Urist McMason needs that stone to make pots, which Urist McBrewer needs to store liquor, which you need to live.
Urist McOverseer
Post by: Akura on November 04, 2012, 01:32:50 pm
Dear Urist McMiner(s),
Why aren't you digging? Urist McMason needs that stone to make pots, which Urist McBrewer needs to store liquor, which you need to live.
Urist McOverseer
Dear Urist McOverseer,
Since when is Urist McMason making pots?
Urist McMiner(s)
Post by: Sprin on November 04, 2012, 03:36:33 pm
YOU FUCKING FAGOT!!!
YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY FUCKING EXISTANCE AND I WANT TO FUCKING MURDER YOU AND YOUR FUCKING CHILDREN!! REMEMBER YOUR WIFE AND HOW SHE DIED IN A FUCKING TRAINING ACCIDENT... That wasn't me but I did sleep with her before that... BUT REMEMBER THAT FUCK OF A MAYOR WHO BURNED IN MAGMA, THAT WAS ME!!!
Get the fuck out my fort Urist...
<3 Sprin Dragon overseer supream
Post by: helmacon on November 04, 2012, 04:04:12 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 04, 2012, 04:06:01 pm
Someday I'll get back to making my own zombie apocalypse mod. Someday. Now what word should I replace to get that as an actual name?
Post by: Jordrake on November 04, 2012, 06:34:06 pm
Urist,
I gave you orders. I assumed it was clear from context that I wanted you to do the job in a direction that would leave you available to do more jobs in future, and this would not have taken any appreciable amount of further effort.
So if you're going to dig like that, you can bloody well stay stuck in the hole.
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 04, 2012, 06:56:34 pm
Could you please write your thesis on the effects of giant cave spider poison a bit more neatly? I said "Hand-written double-spaced", not "scrawled in blood on the ground".
Urist McBiologist
Post by: Cassandra on November 04, 2012, 08:20:50 pm
I can understand going after the kobold thief. I can even understand chasing it out of the fortress and then killing it. What I don't understand was WHAT was going through your mind to throw FIREBALLS at the kobold in a DENSE FOREST. The budding fortress has crashed to it's end, you incinerated all the pastured animals, four children, three dwarves, one kobold, a human diplomat, the wagon, the fields... And then went berserk INSIDE the fortress after realizing you burned your own children alive. And then you lit the Brewer, the only priest in the fortress able to soothe your mind, on fire, IN the booze stockpile. So lets recap, shall we? You pissed off the elves, by destroying a forest. You pissed off the humans, by melting a diplomat. You pissed off the kobolds, by melting a thief. You doomed the fortress to a slow death by destroying it's food, and more importantly, it's BOOZE. And most importantly, you pissed off ME. Thats right. I'm coming personally from the mountainhome to cut you apart. Congratulations. You have become the most destructive dwarf in the history of Serpentshrine.
Your Serpentine Overseer,
Cassandra 'Ke' Icefang, the Slayer of Ancients.
Post by: Porcelain on November 04, 2012, 09:29:43 pm
please stop thinking the rapids above the waterfall are shallow enough to walk slowly across with an armful of fish DESPITE the no-traffic forbidden zone and wall designed to shelter your puny mind from having to understand the basics of gravity.
-Porcelain, overseer of the ancientmists dwarven citadel of the twin towers
Post by: ElfLove on November 05, 2012, 12:00:29 am
How do you have so many a break?
... So many a drink?
... So many a sleep?
... So many a party?
When you are needed?
And how do you feel with the peasent getting your job becuase he is the first to the TP because you took so long with your revelries?
Post by: Eric Blank on November 05, 2012, 02:04:37 am
Dear Dwarven Elementalist of Serpentshrine
I can understand going after the kobold thief. I can even understand chasing it out of the fortress and then killing it. What I don't understand was WHAT was going through your mind to throw FIREBALLS at the kobold in a DENSE FOREST. The budding fortress has crashed to it's end, you incinerated all the pastured animals, four children, three dwarves, one kobold, a human diplomat, the wagon, the fields... And then went berserk INSIDE the fortress after realizing you burned your own children alive. And then you lit the Brewer, the only priest in the fortress able to soothe your mind, on fire, IN the booze stockpile. So lets recap, shall we? You pissed off the elves, by destroying a forest. You pissed off the humans, by melting a diplomat. You pissed off the kobolds, by melting a thief. You doomed the fortress to a slow death by destroying it's food, and more importantly, it's BOOZE. And most importantly, you pissed off ME. Thats right. I'm coming personally from the mountainhome to cut you apart. Congratulations. You have become the most destructive dwarf in the history of Serpentshrine.
Your Serpentine Overseer,
Cassandra 'Ke' Icefang, the Slayer of Ancients.
Oh gods, you're using a mod like that too? Battlemages are some wreckless mofos. I've been lucky in that none of mine have managed to murder everyone indoors.
Post by: Cassandra on November 05, 2012, 02:54:07 am
The horrible part was that the brewer was a 'special' migrant. A priest brewer prophet, I believe. She was able to actually keep most of my dwarves from tantruming, among other things, and could help cure insanity. At least, I think thats what she was doing. How am I going to replace that in a reclaim?
Post by: Eric Blank on November 05, 2012, 11:47:06 am
Post by: Cassandra on November 05, 2012, 01:22:53 pm
Post by: enizer on November 07, 2012, 05:30:50 am
Re: prisoner execution pit
when i ordered the room around the 20z drop pit we dump goblins and kobold prisoners into, i was hoping for engravings of gruesome goblin death, and you did deliver there
however, one example engraving "an engraving of en elf and a goblin, the goblin is dead, the elf is laughing, this relates to...*wall of text*"
you made seven similar to this one, no two of the same elf and goblin, most not from the same year battle, and i note, not one engraving of anyone else killing goblins
i get the point, the local elves prefer to water their trees with fresh goblin blood, but look around for a bit
this is a DWARF fortress
surely history has some epic DWARF battles?
will be planting a tree for hugging purposes in your bedroom
Enizer
Post by: slay_mithos on November 07, 2012, 03:37:55 pm
Please, if you want to have a fey mood, either do it before you reach legendary +5, or choose an other skill (even if it is not possible...)
Well, at least we will use the Millstone, as I have not yet ordered you guys to build one, but it feels like a loss of a fey nonetheless.
Your overseer.
Post by: Babylon on November 14, 2012, 03:01:49 am
When I confine you to a burrow on an alert that means stop taking jobs outside that burrow, not stand at the very edge of the burrow where the drawbridge is and run over the draw bridge, out of the burrow, before futiley returning when you realize the job is out of bounds. The bridge closing in a way that trapped half of you outside with the goblins is entirely your own fault. I hope you enjoyed your dismembering.
Post by: hops on November 14, 2012, 03:06:03 am
...Why are you dead in front of the still...?
Your very confused overseer.
Post by: kuki on November 14, 2012, 04:40:14 am
Get back inside
Get back inside right now
Why won't you get back inside
The river is not important
The fish are not important
Those bolts are not important
Those socks are not important
The dead guy's toe is not important
You do not need to go hunting right now
The goblins are coming
GET THE FUCK-
Nevermind, Urist, I'm shutting the gates, you're going to die a violent death, and it's your own fault. Just know, as your upper spine is mauled by goblin lashers, that I'm very frustrated with you.
Post by: MythagoWoods on November 14, 2012, 05:01:36 am
I started you in full bronze armor after losing several forts to the errant wild life. I started you with combat experience. I even have a butcher and cook on standby waiting for you to massacre anything soft, fleshy, and edible that gets to close. Care to explain to me how you managed to get killed by a lone badger? You had 5 pages of combat log with you beating the badger in the tail with the flat of your sword until he bit your throat and killed you.
Sincerely,
The Overseer who keeps restarting due to badgers
Post by: wer6 on November 14, 2012, 07:36:26 am
Dear Urist McMilitary,
I started you in full bronze armor after losing several forts to the errant wild life. I started you with combat experience. I even have a butcher and cook on standby waiting for you to massacre anything soft, fleshy, and edible that gets to close. Care to explain to me how you managed to get killed by a lone badger? You had 5 pages of combat log with you beating the badger in the tail with the flat of your sword until he bit your throat and killed you.
Sincerely,
The Overseer who keeps restarting due to badgers
dear overseer:he was so cute!
Post by: pisskop on November 14, 2012, 08:07:44 am
My bad, I did it. I taught Rat (my cat) that toes were playthings. I would slam into it and pounce on it with my foot. So when I was lounging and playing the first serious attempt at a fort in a while, Rat of course thought it was the perfect time for her to pounce and bite. I alas could not move you to a more defensible position closer to the fort.
I drew blood, just as you. You will be buried with honor. I have no clue how you died, as I was busy fighting off a fierce monster myself, but it was surely not like little nancys. The combat log be damned, you as heros in my eyes.
Your comicly upset overseer
JD
Post by: enizer on November 14, 2012, 08:46:24 am
i know you are a legendary cook, and i'm not, but was looking through your work, and you keep mincing the whip wine flour
by definition, flour, is a powder, please explain your reasoning for mincing, POWDER?
Dear Urist McMiller
i recently found Urist McCook using whip wine flour, whip wine is supposed to be used for booze,
you are supposed to be milling dimple cups.
i know whip wine is also blue, but it cant be used to color clothing
i am not correcting my plan, the whip wine end product is still classified as booze, i leave you up to figuring out how to drink powder
Dear Urist McClothier
i Told you to make bags
you said there was no cloth left
i changed the orders to allow using non-dyed cloth
you resume making bags... using ONLY COLORED CLOTH?
noone is currently dying cloth
where did this cloth come from?
we are flooded with white cloth, and are having problems coloring it..
and why do bags need to be pretty?
Post by: AutomataKittay on November 14, 2012, 08:56:46 am
Dear Urist McCook
i know you are a legendary cook, and i'm not, but was looking through your work, and you keep mincing the whip wine flour
by definition, flour, is a powder, please explain your reasoning for mincing, POWDER?
Dear Urist McMiller
i recently found Urist McCook using whip wine flour, whip wine is supposed to be used for booze,
you are supposed to be milling dimple cups.
i know whip wine is also blue, but it cant be used to color clothing
i am not correcting my plan, the whip wine end product is still classified as booze, i leave you up to figuring out how to drink powder
Dear Overseer
Y'see, ain't nobody tell me which stuff to grind up. Ain't seen a stockpile given to this shop so I take whatever's nearest, ya see? Maybe if someone could have this pile of dimple cup and bags given to this shop...
Your boozey McMiller
Post by: Flying Fortress on November 14, 2012, 10:49:36 am
Dear combat team Delta:As a fellow cat owner I completely understand, my cat is fricken crazy and he constantly attacks. You may not believe this, but he literally chased an adult black bear through our woods when he was a few months old (and obviously still too young to have any kind of a brain to let him know that was stupid.) Try living with a psycho cat that thinks he is awesome because he took on a bear and lived.
My bad, I did it. I taught Rat (my cat) that toes were playthings. I would slam into it and pounce on it with my foot. So when I was lounging and playing the first serious attempt at a fort in a while, Rat of course thought it was the perfect time for her to pounce and bite. I alas could not move you to a more defensible position closer to the fort.
I drew blood, just as you. You will be buried with honor. I have no clue how you died, as I was busy fighting off a fierce monster myself, but it was surely not like little nancys. The combat log be damned, you as heros in my eyes.
Your comicly upset overseer
JD
Dear UristMcEveryone
Why won't you walk through those open floodgates? There are no burrows, there is no danger, temperature is off just in case the magma trap in that section made the floodgates hot somehow, and there is no reason to walk all the way around the map to dump refuse. I've destroyed the floodgates and the walls around them, rebuilt the floor and the roof, and still you refuse to walk over that section. I dug out the whole area beneath it and rebuilt it from the ground up. Heck I even used DF-hack to force you little idiots onto those tiles, causing you to freeze in place. Why do you refuse to go anywhere near my lovely and safe easy access walkway?
Your annoyed and dumbfounded overseer
FF
Post by: Scootagoose on November 14, 2012, 04:55:52 pm
Your completely baffled overseer, Scootagoose.
Post by: Akura on November 23, 2012, 12:39:15 pm
Seriously, two wheelbarrows were all you wanted to take?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
PS. The one kobold who tried to assassinate my woodworker, but then took a pickaxe to the innards(and lost their hand) from a nearby miner has been made the first two objects(the hand and rest of body) to enter the garbage pile. And to add further insult to injury, a coatl stole his dagger before I could sell it.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on November 23, 2012, 08:32:03 pm
Dear Bleenkis McKoboldthief,
Why did you have to steal the fort's only artifact? Dick move man, dick move.
- Urist McOverseer
Post by: Lolfail0009 on November 24, 2012, 03:17:26 am
to add further insult to injury, a coatl stole his daggerPlease say you mean coati. Otherwise I'd feel robbed of my mod.
Post by: Akura on November 24, 2012, 01:09:13 pm
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on November 25, 2012, 12:24:51 am
Dear Urist McMayor. I know you REALLY like cages, but was it really necessary that you beat your SON to death because he accidentally got a cage sold?Dear Scootagoose,
Your completely baffled overseer, Scootagoose.
I am appalled that you think I would give my family special treatment!
Urist McMayor is throwing a tantrum!
Now look what you made me do! I was already angry from the death of my son!
Sincerely,
Probably being beaten for vandalising that floodgate...
Post by: Mr Space Cat on November 29, 2012, 09:01:10 pm
You just had to go out there. You idiot. Your friends were dead, the animals were dead, they were all dead at the same time, in the same place, up by the wagon surrounded by blood. You and Urist McLadyMiner were the only two left alive, spared by mere coincidence by happening to be enlarging the first storeroom underground and away from the surface.
You could have rebuilt! You had the technology! You had the goods down in the storeroom needed for life, you had food, seeds, wood, you had picks and everything. I assigned both you and McLadyMiner to wall off the fort. Armok knows you probably would have dumbly walked up to the surface...I forbid everything up there, I restricted every tile on the surface to keep you away. You had the wood to wall off and live comfortably together down in the depths for the rest of your lives...
...but you had to go up to the surface to clean yourselves off, didn't you? Yep, that dust on your socks was totally worth attempting to walk through pools of orc blood in the name of sanitary values.
You didn't even make it one step, you both keeled over the instant you walked into the blood and died, nauseous, paralyzed, and suffocating. You bleeding idiots. Pun intended.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: RickiusMaximus on November 30, 2012, 11:49:58 am
Yesterday I noticed that your child was missing, but I was eating so I just hit spacebar.
Then I noticed that you had fallen and broken your leg, but I was a little bit thirsty so on my way to the fridge I just hit spacebar.
Then there was a goblin siege but I was a little tired and fancied a nap so I just hit spacebar...
NOT MUCH FUN WHEN YOUR ON THE RECEIVING END IS IT?
Yours faithfully,
The Overseer
Post by: RickiusMaximus on November 30, 2012, 11:59:59 am
You are correct, after chopping it down and turning it into bolts it is now just a rude bauble, but I wouldn't go as far as saying it is 'fit only for your kind'. I can 'fit' quite a few of them into your elves.
Come get them back.
Yours,
The Overseer
Post by: TheZoomZoll on November 30, 2012, 03:54:32 pm
You got clawed on your finger by a kitty and now you are whining that you need soap,medical attention,a diagnostic,some time to rest,a slave to feed you and help you drink.
You are a wussbag and I am currently working on your "retirement".It will include a nice cozy room with spear traps,so you can really whine about being hurt by golden spears penetrating your anus and your stomach.
Love,the guy that will show you what pain really feels like.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 30, 2012, 05:53:30 pm
Post by: Cassandra on November 30, 2012, 09:44:09 pm
Retirement rooms feature a small room with two pumps.
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 01, 2012, 03:01:18 am
Not so much pain, just more bruises. Unless you want to use spears of butter.
He died after one poked him in the face and bruised the brain,Id say thats pretty good.The guy who he had a grudge on kept pressing the lever more rapidly that Id want so he got injured quick and the Chief medical dwarf had to do some pretty good surgery.
Thats not a retirement room. That is a standard military/child training room.
Retirement rooms feature a small room with two pumps.
Who puts a child in a room with golden spear traps?That is not cool.
I prefer a mother baby water drop pit that leads to a openable trap door that falls 2 z levels to a pit of meat eating snakes (untamed) that have been modded to attack ANYTHING but the head,body,lower body.
You might be wondering:oh,well,where are all those snakes from and how did they fit?
We made them harmless as in they cant even attack other things,caged them and dropped them in and made them the fortresses feeding pit as they paralyze the target and then suck their blood out.
Post by: Snake_Eyes on December 01, 2012, 03:58:20 am
When wild animals attack you and you have an axe or pick, feel free to use it.
;-;
Snake_Eyes
Post by: itisnotlogical on December 01, 2012, 08:30:41 am
It's a single plump helmet seed. You don't have to suspend the construction of the entire farm plot because of one object smaller than your thumb. In fact, you don't even have to move it- if you just kept building, the seed would be under the ground, ready to grow.
You idiots,
Urist McOverseer
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 01, 2012, 02:04:40 pm
Why did you mandate the making of soap?What are we going to do with them?How are we going to even make them?Why do you want your own soap anyway?!
I swear to god if you go mad because you needed your hygiene I will have my militia commander smack you in the groin area with a adamantine mace and then have them throw you in the Corpse Pit 9000 TM.
Your angry overseer,
ZoomZoll
Post by: IronTomato on December 01, 2012, 02:07:33 pm
When one of your military buddies dies during a siege, the solution is not to beat the mayor to death.
Post by: itisnotlogical on December 01, 2012, 06:10:42 pm
Dear Urist,
When one of your military buddies dies during a siege, the solution is not to beat the mayor to death.
Isn't beating nobles to death always the solution, though?
Urist McPrisoner
Post by: MythagoWoods on December 01, 2012, 07:36:37 pm
When I tell you to go kill the forgotten beast that's currently chewing on my woodcutters in the caverns I expect you to go kill it. I do NOT expect you to decide to go to training practice or "get provisions" and never move from the barracks. Gee, now my woodcutters are dead and all 40 of you are sitting around, picking your noses. Thanks for that. You're lucky you occassionally manage to follow orders and kill the what I want you to or you'd be stationed on my bridge I have extended over magma.
Sincerely, You're running low on woodcutters overseer
Post by: Mr Space Cat on December 02, 2012, 05:28:05 pm
Why would you dwarfs think it was a good idea to park the wagon on ice when the snow around you is thawing??
Because you couldn't haul the goods away to the stockpile only a few tiles of urist away, we've got a bunch of goods in the water...specifically, the booze, seeds, and the anvil.
Nice work guys, nice work. *slow claps*
Post by: Scootagoose on December 02, 2012, 06:30:15 pm
I am curious. We decided to embark in a castle and some how you ended up driving up onto one of the towers. How did you do this?
Your impressed overseer,
Scootagoose.
Post by: Splint on December 02, 2012, 06:33:24 pm
It too us a while to make the pack critters ramp us up there. Was it as awesome as we hoped it''d be?
Signed,
Urist McWagonDriver
Dear modbold army,
I hope you appreciate the gifts went you this winter, 16 soldiers bent into knots and one rotting lizard mount. We certainly appreciated the swords you brought us.
Hope to see your delivery boys soon,
Overseer of Darkforest.
Post by: hypergoat on December 02, 2012, 08:38:51 pm
Grow a pair.
Sincerely,
Your dead friend
Post by: itisnotlogical on December 02, 2012, 08:51:11 pm
I needed you to build one tiny wall. A small 1x3 barrier. Surely, between the five of you and 200+ phyllite blocks, you could have closed yourselves inside the trade depot. Now look at you. You're all dead, and a good number of dwarves who aren't you are dead as well. Why? Because you were on break. On break, in the middle of a bloody !!NECROMANCER SIEGE!!.
Presiding over your funeral,
Urist McOverseer
Post by: Icefire2314 on December 02, 2012, 09:13:51 pm
Dear Elf Liaison,
You are correct, after chopping it down and turning it into bolts it is now just a rude bauble, but I wouldn't go as far as saying it is 'fit only for your kind'. I can 'fit' quite a few of them into your elves.
Come get them back.
Yours,
The Overseer
I lol'd so hard
Post by: moki on December 03, 2012, 03:16:35 am
Dear Urist McMason,
That's one really fine wall you built there. It's stable, it's good-looking, it's very wall-ish... I guess you were so engrossed in your work that you completely forgot which side to stand on when building a wall. Small hint: preferably the on that leads back to the fortress, food and booze... ok, I'll send a few children to get you out, but don't think, I'll forget or forgive. It's only because I already have enough corpses lying around.
Yours
The Overseer
Dear Urist McDeadHaulers,
why did you think it was a good idea to retrieve the socks of Bomrek McMiner who drowned in the fountain at the grand dining hall? Losing one of the starting seven (and therefore one of the most skilled dwarf in the fortress) to that accident is bad enough... it doesn't exactly raise my mood when a bunch of useless migrants' corpses rot away in the main water supply and the waterfall is temporarily rerouted to the main staircase because of socks. Seriously, I do understand the appeal of some fine cave spider silk footwear, but I never met anybody who took the phrase "to die for" that literally.
Your (slightly miffed) Overseer
Post by: xana55 on December 03, 2012, 06:58:02 pm
I would like to officially congratulate you on your years of tolerable service, breaking the barons nose last year, and killing him before he strangled that child. I would also like to congratulate you on your latest mandate of leather robes being completed on time. On a related note could you please STOP mandating them or pick a more tasteful material.
I like leather for its protective qualities as much as the next guy but it's starting to look like a BDSM club in here and if the fortress gimp population starts to exceed the number of children I will see to it that you are fired.
Yours truely,
The real athority
P.S. On the off chance another Noble shows up would you be willing to murd- eh, pacify them like you did the Baron?
Post by: Splint on December 03, 2012, 07:01:49 pm
Post by: Callista on December 04, 2012, 11:06:15 am
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 04, 2012, 01:22:43 pm
Reminds me of myponydwarf fort. Leather stockings and thongs EVERYWHERE. it was horrifying really.
That sounds like the type of place I would spend my time when bored.
Post by: Scootagoose on December 04, 2012, 04:19:36 pm
Dear Scootagoose,Dear Urist McWagonDriver,
It too us a while to make the pack critters ramp us up there. Was it as awesome as we hoped it''d be?
Signed,
Urist McWagonDriver
It would have been awesome if you weren't brutally murdered by the unhappy humans, but we decided to send more people from the mountain homes and it was over taken. Your death was sort of in vain.
Your content overseer,
Scootagoose.
Post by: thefish1992 on December 04, 2012, 09:17:05 pm
Was it the smell?
Did the military scare you? the traps?
because as soon as we were done trading you packed up and took off like a bloody rocket out of my fortress,
Why did you hit the NOS on the way out? I need to know so i can make sure it happens when the elves get here.
With concern,
Thefish1992.
Dear Elven Diplomat
I recived your complaint about are "horrible" wood-cutting industry and it has left me with a couple of questions,
One, did you notice that we do NOT have a wood-cutting industry? that we live on a volcano with almost no trees with in site? why the hell do you think I have been buying your wood?
Two, the thing closest to a tree that i had recently cut down was a nether cap, and i personally consider these more mushroom than tree,
and while you are close to tree, dwarfs are close to mushrooms, and i will answer and further Demands towards a mushroom industry with magma
Love
Thefish1992
Post by: Sidhien on December 05, 2012, 04:03:25 pm
I know we don't have sweet pod seeds. Shut up.
Love,
Sidhien
PS - And if getting "possessed by unknown forces" and using the ONLY STEEL BAR WE HAD to make a useless crown was somehow a response to this missive, know that it was neither understood nor appreciated.
Post by: AfellowDwarf on December 05, 2012, 06:20:41 pm
I regret to inform you that our expedition was not a success. In hindsight, forcing our workers to kill camels with their bare hands was not a good emergency food plan. I assure you that our next expedition will not make the same mistake.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McWasteOfLives.
Dear Urist McBrokerswife,
I regret to inform you that your husband, Urist McBroker, has died at the hands of camels while daringly trying to reclaim our latest fort. I realize that sending unarmed dwarves into a camel invested fort could be considered stupid, insane and cruel but this is war.
On a side note, you are hereby drafted into our new expedition. We do not intent for you to die in some hazard once the camels are dead. Bring an axe.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McWasteOfLives.
Post by: itisnotlogical on December 05, 2012, 08:08:25 pm
Request for new cage denied.
Urist McLastDwarfLeftAliveAfterGoblinAmbush
Post by: xana55 on December 06, 2012, 10:45:28 pm
I must say your... dedication... has actually impressed me. After being dragged down into the underground sea not only did you manage to shoot the pond grabber 3 times in it's rough equivalent of a face but you managed to rip of it's claw and slice off two of its tentacle with a crossbow. Admirable as this dedication is it would help if you hadn't chosen to pursue the enemy rather then climbing onto the shore and not drowning. I hope that in the afterlife you will heed this advice or take swimming lessons.
If it ever becomes possible we will retrieve your rotten soaked carcass but for now you will have to be happy with an engraved slab in the clay room of engraved slabs.
Your confused but somewhat grateful leader,
The true authority
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 07, 2012, 06:54:01 am
Post by: Eric Blank on December 08, 2012, 09:13:34 pm
You stupid gods-damned sonovabitch! When I tell you to go to the depot and fucking trade, you don't spend a month running around the fortress drinking (more booze than Armok himself!), eating, sleeping, picking up equipment, hauling shit you don't even have labors assigned to haul, and making new mandates. Get your fat fucking ass to the depot on time, or you'll be seeing your deceased family members again real fucking soon!
Sincerely, your short-tempered, sober overseer who will toss you in with the necromancer-vampire and his five pals.
Post by: Scootagoose on December 08, 2012, 09:52:42 pm
I just saw you bite off a dogs leg. You had a sword and a shield, you could have easily cut it's head off. Why in armok's glory would you do that?!
Your Terrified overseer,
Scootagoose.
Post by: MythagoWoods on December 09, 2012, 12:05:40 am
Why in the name of all that is holy were you "on break" through all 3 caravans of the year? I had to set the depot to accept anyone to trade and got some bum deals. Your butt is lucky I have so many silver, gold, and masterwork rock crafts on hand that I could buy Gods kingdom itself if I wanted to or else I would have put you under "Mr. Bridge" who solves ALL my problems.
Sincerely, Your squashing overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on December 09, 2012, 02:38:24 am
Please move the eggs of the egg-laying creatures to the appropriate stockpiles in a timely fashion. We are now swimming in ducks, and they'll be joined by an army of turkeys soon enough. Either move the damn eggs, or sharpen your butcher's knives.
Thanks; management.
Post by: Cassandra on December 09, 2012, 02:45:20 am
Dear urist mcpsychopath
I just saw you bite off a dogs leg. You had a sword and a shield, you could have easily cut it's head off. Why in armok's glory would you do that?!
Your Terrified overseer,
Scootagoose.
Dear Scootagoose,
Whar be the fun in that, ye daft overseer? The wee dog piss'd on me leg, so I took 'is damn leg right off! That elflovin' piss'ound won't go fer me damned leg again, I promise on tha beards of me ancestors! Now, if I had me proper axe instead of a wee sword, I would'n 'ave to use me teeth to get the point across! Now gimme more booze, or yer gonna be next!
Piss'd on, piss'd off, and piss'd drunk,
Urist Mcpsychopath
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 09, 2012, 06:05:27 am
Post by: Omeganaut on December 10, 2012, 03:17:21 pm
Why did I have to discover you the week before Finals. Now my life is a wreck and I don't know if I can muster the willpower to study instead of spend time with you. My girlfriend has been tantruming, and I keep getting secretive moods based around crafting a new fort. Get out of my head, and go play in the magma with the goblins. Wait a second.....
Signed, Omeganaut cancels Post Reply, taken by secretive mood.
Post by: RickiusMaximus on December 11, 2012, 10:46:44 am
Dear Urists,
Why did I have to discover you the week before Finals. Now my life is a wreck and I don't know if I can muster the willpower to study instead of spend time with you. My girlfriend has been tantruming, and I keep getting secretive moods based around crafting a new fort. Get out of my head, and go play in the magma with the goblins. Wait a second.....
Signed, Omeganaut cancels Post Reply, taken by secretive mood.
Hahaha, awesome!
Post by: Urdothor on December 12, 2012, 09:51:13 pm
Your overseer would like to point out all your
Next we would like to talk to all of you in general for a second. We seem to have an issue with you sleeping on hospital beds that not only are needed for the injured, but are also so far from your work that nothing gets done. We'd like to take the opportunity to add that the next non-injured dwarf found in a hospital bed will join McBrewer in the fun pit.
Now we'd like to speak to Urist Mc
Urist McMiner, we find that you going to eat and drink is fine, as everyone needs to right. But you seem to love to wait until we need something mined out. Something important, for example, THE FARM ROOM, as our only source of food at this point being outdoor plants. Now you could kindly get to work or you might find yourself conversing with the
Sincerely,
Your overlord and supreme decider of your fate
Your overlord and supreme decider of your fate
Post by: Eric Blank on December 13, 2012, 06:31:04 pm
You are a werewolf. You are expected to runa round berserking and gnawing on peoples' arms. Do so, before we turn you into a ☼werewolf leather coat☼
Sincerely, management.
Post by: Akura on December 15, 2012, 01:35:53 pm
You have open space in all eight directions around that one tile of wall you are supposed to build. Why are you still standing on that wall tile when you try to build it?! In fact, you're doing it in two seperate spots. Those towers need to be finished at some point.
Plotting your deaths,
Overseer.
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 15, 2012, 02:11:49 pm
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on December 15, 2012, 03:17:30 pm
From: Fortress Management
RE: Excavation of Level 5 dining hall
We appreciate that there are areas that need to be walled off, drinks that need to be brewed, and all manner of other things to be done, but the 185-dorf-strong population is getting tired of the tiny dining hall that they've made do with since the initial embark, and if you could get around to digging the expansion before we lava-chute the lot of you that'd be just grand.
Actually, if anyone in the whole fort could do any digging whatsoever we'd be grateful. There's designations that've sat undone for two years now.
Post by: Smashness on December 15, 2012, 05:19:42 pm
Circles are wonderful shapes, they really are. Circles sorta become less wonderful when that's ALL YOU ENGRAVE. Stop engraving random shapes near the slaughterhouse, the kids think it's a school.
Post by: Urdothor on December 15, 2012, 07:15:52 pm
Why do all the fisherdwarves in the land come when I have either no fish or no water period aside from underground, yet when I have a river that's up to the elbows in fish you all decide it's more fun to make cheese.
Post by: Langolier on December 15, 2012, 09:37:29 pm
You are a strong woman. You are the best warrior in the fort, and have no less than two forgotten beasts among the twelve other kills on your list. I know how it goes with females and armor, but it would really be nice if you wore something more than gauntlets and a troll fur loincloth. There are children about
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 16, 2012, 02:10:03 am
Dear Mrs. Axedwarfette
You are a strong woman. You are the best warrior in the fort, and have no less than two forgotten beasts among the twelve other kills on your list. I know how it goes with females and armor, but it would really be nice if you wore something more than gauntlets and a troll fur loincloth. There are children about
You know what the sad thing is?There is no genitalia because dwarves use spores to mate...........Sorry I ruined that for you.
Post by: Eric Blank on December 16, 2012, 02:31:16 am
Post by: TheZoomZoll on December 16, 2012, 02:47:19 am
Unless you modded the game, and added genitalia. Or use a mod that does so.
That too.But default is just blank.
Dem spores ey?
Post by: Splint on December 16, 2012, 02:50:14 am
Post by: jesternario on December 16, 2012, 08:19:07 am
When you've been instructed to not haul anything, please don't run off to haul some random junk that has been laid in the @$$ end of the map when you have you're halfway through digging something.
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on December 16, 2012, 10:26:25 pm
From: Fortress Administration
RE: Strange Mood
We, the little voices in the heads of all dwarves in Pulleysweltered Hamlet, would like to thank you for having a Strange Mood the moment you walked onto the map with the 26 other immigrants in our third wave. Your 6000-Uristbuck bone pendant is truly inspirational and will bring in a good deal of seeds come the next caravan. However, we would like to know why you thought it was a good idea to use our last piece of Obsidian to decorate it when 1. we have no readily-available source of it and 2. that was going to be used to complete the fortifications atop the Founders' Tower.
Post by: Kaleb702 Games on December 16, 2012, 11:16:22 pm
From: Beforan Fortress Administration
Subject: Dehydration
Heretofore you were considered an excellent farmer -- then suddenly you stopped producing any plants to turn into drinks, so when the river froze 20 of our numbers (read: 5/6ths of our population) died and had to be buried before their ghosts could haunt us. By Empress decree, you are to be punished highly for your lack of concern for trolls' lives.
We hope you dehydrate,
Beforan Fortress Administration
P.S. thank the miners for finding an underground water source, even if there is a chance a cave creature should kill you.
((Fortbent 4.))
Post by: weenog on December 16, 2012, 11:37:42 pm
We're all truly saddened by your untimely and hideous demise. Dehydration is such a slow and painful way to go. I admit I wasn't looking for dwarves stranded atop the outer wall, but then there has never been any sort of ramp, stair, or other access path to that surface. Somehow, you and your baby found a way up there. How the fuck did you manage that?
Your baffled Overseer.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on December 17, 2012, 07:16:11 pm
The baby dared me to do it.
Sincerely, Urist McFarmer
------------------------------------------
Dear sporeman,
Your spores are getting all over the walls, it's making us all sneeze and vomit and someone even died. GTFO
-A petition signed by all 11 Urists of Worksavants.
Post by: Wolfy on December 18, 2012, 05:32:15 am
Grow up already or GTFO. that goes for you to mcbabydwarf 2-2000
Post by: Silent_Thunder on December 18, 2012, 05:36:17 am
Just.. Wow. Did you have to rip that kobold's head off with your bare hands. I mean. As soon as it saw you it started running, but.. you just... oh god.
Anyway, the real reason I am telling you this was more of the question of why the kobol when your fellow military dwarfs were DEALING WITH THE GIANT DINGOS INSIDE THE FORT
Sincerly,
The Overseer
Post by: Coalwalker on December 18, 2012, 07:17:44 am
*Coalwalker looses a roaring laughter, fell and terrible!*
Post by: Greiger on December 18, 2012, 02:22:51 pm
That was very brave of you to fight that ambush by yourself so that the hunters could get inside the fortress. You were just out there to collect some wood, and you saved the lives of your fellows.
Also, I congratulate you on surviving the ordeal, that martial trance did amazing things, 2 dead orcs, and 3 with moderate wounds. Bravo, on doing so much damage and holding out til the rest of your squad got there. After the doctors finish stitching you up, you will find that you and your husband have earned the honor of a personal room with a nest box. As you know, a rare honor reserved for only distinguished members of the fortress. (just because it's such a PITA to micromanage egg layer fortress race breeding)
However, I would like to point out that all the hunters (yes including your husband until he reaches master crossbowman status) are basically expendable, a trained soldier such as yourself is not. Please show more discretion in the future.
-The Administration
Post by: Tenth Speed Writer on December 19, 2012, 05:55:56 pm
I don't know what compelled you to charge the enraged giraffe without your lovingly made masterwork spear.
Nor do I know why, in the process of fighting it, you chose to punch and wrestle every single tooth out of its head.
Nor do I understand how exactly you ultimately reached -- much less strangled -- its neck, having a diameter wider than you are tall.
That said, welcome to your new Grand Bedroom.
Sincerely,
Tenth McSpeedWriter
Post by: Kaitlyn on December 20, 2012, 06:48:56 pm
Why did you feel the need to steal a wheelbarrow? I'll have you know that at time of writing we are enslaving any of your kind that wind up in our cage traps. If they don't wind up in the cage traps, they will wind up in the weapon traps.
From, the Wheatcraze Animal Trainer and Butcher's Guild
Dear Immigrants,
I understand wanting to join the Flowery Affliction at our outpost in the Hill of Roars. We are in an important location for the Portal of Doors' continued operations in this region and I hope you all realize what important work we're doing. However, as Overseer of this fine fortress, I wish to know why so many of you suddenly decide to leave your homes and head out into the frontier on the border of Goblin territory. On several occasions upwards of twenty individuals have arrived here seeking purpose. We simply don't need this much dwarfpower. Throughout your stay here, keep in mind that those of you that came in larger groups will likely receive more menial tasks and overall be of less priority. If you prove yourself to be an asset then your accommodations shall be made appropriately more pleasant. If not, everything you hold dear is forfeit.
Sincerely,
Kaitlyn Obscurelancer, Overseer
Post by: WillowLuman on December 21, 2012, 02:19:14 am
All of you, please identify yourselves. I'm having trouble telling which of you came from where, or even distinguishing you from the normal denizens of this universe. All of the modded things you do are causing a real disruption to my already strained efforts to get some organization around here.
Dear Daleks,
Stop coming. The High Prawnmen don't like you.
Dear High Prawnmen,
Kindly keep away from my water supply when chased by spawn.
Dear Spawn thingies,
You're interrupting the superhero caravan. Also, why you no die to serrated discs?
Dear Supes,
stop spraying webs in my halls, stop throwing fire, in fact, just send your animals in, we promise we won't steal anything.
Dear Greater Badgermen,
Where the hell did you even come from? And will you stop goading the supes into releasing their fun?
Dear kittens
WHY ARE YOU ON FIRE? Why are migrants risking carrying you all the way to my fort!? I have falcons, go away, you're tainted!
Dear Zolok Cograthumz, Swamp Titan
You stay out of this!
Dear HFS
How much is rent?
Post by: Lolfail0009 on December 21, 2012, 03:09:21 am
Dear HFS
How much is rent?
This is sig worthy.
Post by: Wolfy on December 21, 2012, 03:11:50 am
Dear mod creatures,I got that in masterdwarf if it means anything
Dear Greater Badgermen,
Where the hell did you even come from? And will you stop goading the supes into releasing their fun?
Post by: Splint on December 21, 2012, 03:14:42 am
Post by: Lolfail0009 on December 21, 2012, 04:04:41 am
Post by: xana55 on December 22, 2012, 01:38:27 am
Congratulations on killing an entire goblin ambush single handed, receiving only two bruises in the process, and being promoted to the rank of lord in the span of about 12hours.
I will openly admit I expected you to die horribly when that ambush spawned around you, perhaps due to the fact that I was under the impression that you where just an engraver.
In closure enjoy a few legendary meals on me, take lots of breaks, and practice so you stay useful.
From,
The true athority
P.S. congratulations on the latest offspring. Hopefully he will one day be useful to the fortress.
Post by: Urist McMontros on December 22, 2012, 09:08:08 am
Although you are probably the most useless dwarf in the fortress, I can't help but cringe at the sight of you trying to pick up a bar of soap every 10 seconds and dropping it instantaneously.
I'm sorry to say that you've lost ability to grasp, friend. I know this is hard on you, but just GO TO THE GOD DAMNED HOSPITAL WHERE THEY WILL CLEAN YOUR BODY FOR YOU.
Thanks,
Administation.
Post by: Wolfy on December 22, 2012, 02:53:07 pm
I realize you are not a fighter, I know you dont have combat skills, but some of the "creatures" you run away form you could step on with your big toe alone, your CARYYIN we-peons, its not that hard to kill it is it?
Dear Urist Mcworthless's Cat
Your just as bad as him, you walked past it eight times! KILL IT thats what your there for, one more time and you both are going to find mosnters to REALLY be scared of
Post by: EmeraldWind on December 23, 2012, 02:21:04 pm
Will one of you please butcher stuff before it rots. I mean there are seven of you and you only have one job assigned to each of you.
Please do not haul animals... all hauling labors on each of you have been disabled for years. Don't build buildings either. Don't drag the dead to there coffins. I don't know what I have to do to get you to do the job I actually want you to do, but please. Butcher the corpses before they rot please.
Your overseer,
EmeraldWind
Post by: Mr Space Cat on December 23, 2012, 10:24:16 pm
I'm fully aware there is no charcoal at the moment, if I didn't know it before then i certainly know it now after the seventy trillion pages of "Urist McMetalhead cancels bang head against anvils: no fuel" Shaddup and wait for the timberyard to finish being built. We need it for making scrap wood for burning for charcoal for fuel.
Just chill for a while, jeez.
Post by: daishi5 on December 24, 2012, 11:33:54 am
I know it seems a little crazy that I ordered you to shove fifty war cave crocodiles in a single cage, but I have my reasons. I have been assured that if you press hard they will fit beside the war wolves and badgers already in the cage, use a warhammer if you need to in order to close the top.
Unfortunately, some of you decided to move too slowly, eight batches of cave crocodile hatchlings were born. The only reason we will survive your blunder that has filled our fort with crocodiles, is that all four hundred were born tame. however, for the foreseeable future all jobs are canceled except butchering crocodile hatchlings.
Post by: Eric Blank on December 24, 2012, 04:52:38 pm
But, cave crocodile hatchlings are so adorable! :3
Sincerely, animal handlers union
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on December 25, 2012, 08:08:42 pm
That is a site of an experimental aquifer-draining-into-a-river procedure.
It is not your Slip-N-Slide.
Please dig better. I want legendary miners, not legendary swimmers.
Sincerely,
GWG
Ovrsr.
Post by: Volfgarix on December 27, 2012, 05:40:07 pm
Can you say, why you refuse to wear normal cloth as I ordered? Without it you are only in helm, shield and sword!. When I remove you from military, then you normally wear clothes. Can you explain it!?
Sincerely,
Volfgarix, The Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on December 27, 2012, 05:59:40 pm
Did you accidentally trigger the "replace clothing" option? That means that they'll throw their clothes off and runa round in greaves and chain mail with zero padding. Rather uncomfortable if you ask me. Other than that I have no suggestions.
Sincerely,
Eric.
Post by: Volfgarix on December 27, 2012, 06:04:37 pm
Dear Volfgarix:Of course I used it, because that shithead refused to wear helmet, because he had a cap and hood! But he can't wear his normal clothes when I ordered it in his EQ list...
Did you accidentally trigger the "replace clothing" option? That means that they'll throw their clothes off and runa round in greaves and chain mail with zero padding. Rather uncomfortable if you ask me. Other than that I have no suggestions.
Sincerely,
Eric.
Post by: Splint on December 27, 2012, 06:07:30 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on December 27, 2012, 06:07:47 pm
Post by: Volfgarix on December 27, 2012, 06:15:23 pm
Try forbidding his cap; hoods can be worn over/under helms or caps, but helms and caps are both [SHAPED] objects, and only one such item may be worn on a given body part at a given time.
I tried it now, it doesn't work, he still have that dammit cap on his stupid head.
I must specify, what kind of material are clothes made of to make him wear it... Well, I must wait for first caravan and buy a lot leather for armors...
Post by: Splint on December 27, 2012, 06:20:36 pm
Post by: Volfgarix on December 27, 2012, 06:37:30 pm
Assign a helmet and make sure the uniform is set to exact match. He should ditch the cap because substitutions aren't allowed with exact matches while letting them keep their own civvies on underneath (His cap would be considered a substitution for a proper helmet with partial match set for the uniform)Nope, it didn't worked, I even tried with new uniform for that faggot, but still nothing...
Anyway:
Dear imigrant fisherdwarves,
Seriously? On freezing tundra!?
Shocked Overseer
Post by: Splint on December 27, 2012, 06:42:33 pm
On fisherdwarves: I find they make excellent draftees in frozen climates.
Post by: Volfgarix on December 27, 2012, 06:49:25 pm
Huh. That's weird.Yup, about armor, I must wait for first caravan with leather
On fisherdwarves: I find they make excellent draftees in frozen climates.
About fisherdwarves, maybe they will be usable, if I hit cavern with water, but then I can just assing someone to fish... But now, yea, only military.
Post by: Gentlefish on December 28, 2012, 05:13:13 am
Post by: Splint on December 28, 2012, 05:20:32 am
Post by: Volfgarix on December 28, 2012, 06:13:19 am
Set it to replace clothing. After he ditches the cap he'll put on the helmet, then set it back to over clothing and he'll leave his cap on the floor.That's works, thanks.
On topic:
Dear ravens,
Why you are everywhere and with so big groups!?
Sincerely, Overseer of Dwarven Fortress in Freezing Tundra
Post by: Gentlefish on December 28, 2012, 04:44:19 pm
Set it to replace clothing. After he ditches the cap he'll put on the helmet, then set it back to over clothing and he'll leave his cap on the floor.That's works, thanks.
Yeah, just figured it out myself.
Dear Overseer,
Why can't you keep a game going for more than a year or two? Are you really that riddled with ADD?
Signed, Urist mc Daggerhands
Post by: Volfgarix on December 29, 2012, 03:14:44 pm
I wanted these Cave ogres alive! So why you went with your kid to cave? I forbided everything!
Only one was chasing you, little later dogs saved you from him!.
But you couldn't just run away to fortress back, even, when I made civilian alarm, because exhausted Ogre, being bitten by dogs was scaring you non-stop and made you outrunning from entrance!
I was forced to send recruit hammerdwarves to finish him. I wanted this...
BUT NO! Second Ogre came and managed to kill one of my soldiers... Your HUSBAND...
And you are still ecstated, because you born a girl, you had a wonderful drink! Made friend! Was satisfied at work!
I can find other dwarf to tame crundles. YOU, you will be sended to that cavern with your kid, hammer and shield to die like your husband! Understood?!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Very angrily,
Overseer
Ps. Haha, you died.
Post by: hiroshi42 on December 29, 2012, 08:10:49 pm
I understand that zombies and goblins and zombie goblins are scary. I understand that an Urist's first thought when frightened is to run in fear, this is perfectly natural and would probably be classified as a survival mechanism. But please for the love of gold run down the stairs into the nice safe bowels of the fort, not out the front freaking door into the arms of the goblin/necromancer/war elephant siege. You are all lucky that the three armies decided to fight amongst themselves long enough for the entirety of the military to be mobilized and that the third ring of markstowers was finished in time.
To the military squad leaving hauler bait lying about. Not funny. Next time one of you decides to drop something to lure out the civies so you can show off your whole squad is going to be tossed in the necromancer pit sans armor.
Post by: tahujdt on January 01, 2013, 03:14:15 am
to clear up any question regarding your status in the fort, I have had all of you nicknamed "Parasite". I hope that this...
'Parasite' McChild is throwing a party at gneiss table.
You're just proving my point!
Post by: moki on January 07, 2013, 10:58:40 am
couldn't you bite some fish dissector or soapmaker? Why did it have to be Urist McCrafter who's been making enough masterwork rock mugs in a month to buy out all the caravans for a year? I may have to make you the new craftsdwarf when I find out who you are. How would you like sitting in a small room with only a supply of stones and a workshop for the rest of your eternal life?
Sincerely
the annoyed overseer.
Post by: Necrisha on January 07, 2013, 04:36:37 pm
When you have that many skills at high master you light up like a freaking billboard. Enjoy cavern duty.
To the many other migrants in the wave,
Did you have to bring thrice my percentage child cap in children!? If any of you noobs pop out a baby in less than six months I swear you'll be on cavern duty with the vampire! Actually, Which one of you are the worst for baby-making? I'll send your entire families to settle down there. Don't mind the hostile amphibian men- they just need some love.
To those not sent on cavern duty,
We have a shortage of wood till the caverns are settled, do not expect private rooms any time soon. And take it easy with bringing pets, I want my tree-farms dammit! I will pasture animals til they fight each other! And miners Get your rears in gear! I need my magma forge/kiln/smelter on the triple!
Sincerely, overseer of outpost #3 in the modded section.
Post by: Koremu on January 07, 2013, 09:43:19 pm
I realise that I haven't built you a bed yet. I know it's been a tiring time, digging out the storage area & plantation, and now I'm asking you to dig into an Aquifer for me.
But, for the love of Armok, don't go to sleep in the aquifer draining trench!
Post by: Cheedows on January 07, 2013, 11:22:08 pm
Yes I know the bridge can get crowded, but that does not mean to GO INTO MY WATER MOAT AND SLEEP IN THERE. YOU EVEN GAVE BIRTH UNDERWATER.
And civilians, a bloody siege is going on outside with your buddies risking your lives and you decide to waste resources by THROWING A PARTY. next one who throws a party can party with the storming goblins outside.
Sincearly, Overseer baffled on underwater birth.
Post by: Eric Blank on January 08, 2013, 12:25:22 am
Post by: Xantalos on January 08, 2013, 12:27:10 am
I've heard of women wanting to give birth underwater before. Now dwarves doing it is because they don't go into labor or anything, the pregnancy timer runs out and a baby is generated on-the-spot. So it can literally happen anywhere, regardless of what the mother is doing. As long as she isn't horribly miserable, she probably won't even miscarry.Anywhere, you say?
What about if she happens to be falling off a tower and the baby splatters on top of her corpse?
Post by: Eric Blank on January 08, 2013, 12:35:26 am
A creature who's falling will probably be splattered on the ground within a couple of ticks, so the window for giving birth in mid-air would be unbelievably small, if it even is possible. You could probably through a million pregnant women off a 300 z-level-tall tower, and never see it happen just because you didn't time the tossings right. It would really be a feat if you could even come up with a simple way to gauge when they should give birth, besides waiting nine months after they migrated to the fort.
Actually, I remember that in Battlefailed there were a couple of miners caught in "limbo" where the game kept the falling flag on them because the player saved and reloaded from that save whilst they were in mid-air. They can't break out of that state because they never hit the ground, and there's nothing to uncheck that "falling" flag. So, if you wanted to see if dwarves can give birth mid-air, the best bet is to A) reread the Battlefailed story and see if one of them was a married woman whose spouse was still alive whilst they were in the air and B) download a save spanning the time period wherein the previous conditions were true. If you wait and watch, they may give birth.
Post by: Xantalos on January 08, 2013, 12:37:03 am
We need some !!science!! to be done, though. Could that same glitch be exploited?
Post by: Eric Blank on January 08, 2013, 12:40:13 am
Post by: wierd on January 08, 2013, 12:42:08 am
Just drop them from 3z up, and press spacebar at the very moment that the platform drops. You can usually catch the game in a paused state with them mid-air. Then you can save and reload.
Post by: Xantalos on January 08, 2013, 12:45:01 am
Post by: Larix on January 08, 2013, 12:49:42 am
So, the setup would be to lure a presumably pregnant dwarf into a workshop held up by a support, stretch out the job as much as possible so that she's due eventually, then collapse the support and see if she gives birth after being insanified, and still in the air.
Hmm, can insane dwarfs still give birth? And what would the civ allegiance of a baby born by a berserk mother be?
Post by: wierd on January 08, 2013, 12:51:20 am
Best bet would be a very young fortress, where there is a easier potential to predict that a specific woman will be the major proletariat type, and suitable for experiments in suspended gravity obstetrics.
The first few to get hitched usually have a much higher probability of being highly prolific.
Putting water underneath to catch the falling infant, but not very deep (4 deep) should result in easier time of gaguing success, though will surely result in announcer spam about being unable to path.
I don't think "falling" is a mood flag, but instead a status flag, like "drowning" and "breathing problem". This means that theoretically, the suspended dwarfette could pop repeatedly, especially with some modding to make dwarves require no sustenence for experimental purposes.
This could make for a very interesting method to draw sieges, if you combine with telportation of the suspended dwarfette, and also suspend her husband, to avoid his insane berzerk rages over losing babies to gravitationally related deaths.
Eg, suspending her 6 or more z levels above the drawbridge to draw goblins to the site, especially with babies being dropped on the cell below at intermittant intervals.
Post by: Xantalos on January 08, 2013, 12:59:31 am
Post by: Babylon on January 08, 2013, 08:19:11 pm
Please pick up your equipment either before, or after the siege, not in the middle. If it wasn't important enough to do during the months before the siege it is not important enough to wander into the middle of the sieging humans and their giant war ticks to do now.
Post by: WillowLuman on January 09, 2013, 12:47:46 am
Dear Dwarves,
Are you seriously telling me you'd rather eat vermin or starve than eat raw egg? I know preferences can vary between person, but don't throw a tantrum when your profile clearly states you prefer to consume turkey egg and there's more than 300 of the damn things.
Post by: wierd on January 09, 2013, 01:00:12 am
While there most certainly are many delicious looking eggs, none of us relish the idea of developing salmonella from sucking raw eggs, given our malnourished condition. Perhaps if you would be so kind as to give us a kitchen, and assign a cook, we could make healthy, delicious omlettes, but as it stands, attempting to eat lizards, giant roaches, and the occasional pixie or bluejay will have to suffice.
Ps, please hurry; pixies do terrible things to dwarven digestive systems.
Signed,
A starving rabble of scrabbly short persons with pointy things and axes.
Post by: WillowLuman on January 09, 2013, 02:59:06 am
There's no wood to make a kitchen, as we need a new one after the ogres smashed all the buildings in the west wing, and the mayor -who is currently tantruming- ordered a massive mandate of barrels. Also, why can't you kill and eat the turkeys without a butcher shop? You've got sharp things and skilled butchers, and seemed to have no problem with raw poultry in the past, why won't you just decrease their overabundant population?
PS: that ale stockpile is for trapping grizzly bears. We have a massive pile already within the fort, stop raiding the outside one and then complaining about the rain!
Post by: wierd on January 09, 2013, 04:18:35 am
We would like to respectfully remind you that there are options other than wood for the construction of kitchens and butcher shops, since they don't require magma safe materials.
Perhaps a lump of harvested clay, or a recycled bit of constructed wall? Perhaps dismantle some other workshop temporarily?
Also, have you considered assigning the the plant collection labor on a fish cleaner, then D, P ing a large section of the surface? We can eat raw strawberries and prickleberries without any issue.
Cordially reminding you that wood, no matter how satisfying it is to piss off the elves when collecting and using it, is not the only suitable material for workshop creation.
PS: that rotgut in the basement is old and stale. It's also all the way down in the basement. You honestly expect us to go all the way down there for a drink?
Post by: Coalwalker on January 10, 2013, 09:31:46 am
RUN OVER AND GRAB YOUR INJURED COMMANDER, YOU SHITHEAD. STOP DANCING AROUND IN THE STORM OF BOLTS.
THAT'S AN ORDER.
-The hopeless Overseer.
Post by: Tevish Szat on January 10, 2013, 03:03:22 pm
Just because I've installed amenities in this fortress does not mean I like you. The masterwork engravings in your miserable little 1x3 rooms? Engravers need to keep their skills from rusting. The statues in the "Recreation Commons"? I was training my metalcrafters on lead statues so the gold ones for the Queen would be higher quality. The ever-growing Zoo? Her Majesty mandates cages, forbids their export, and we're in savage lands. Do the math.
So, when I need you pointlessly toiling away on whatever gigantic tower, arena, or the like I've ordered up today, I expect you to do it rather than throwing parties. I don't need your "We love the Overseer" flattery, so if I keep getting it and no work, the next project will be a magma pump stack to immolate those who displease me.
-Tevish Szat, Dark Lord of Dawnhammers
Dear Urist McChef
The Giant Raven eggs in the nest boxes are for breeding a great Unkindness of Giant Ravens, not cooking ☼Giant Raven Egg Omelets☼. Keep your grubby food haulers away from the aerie. I've locked it off after that first debacle and we've gained a dozen ravens, as desired. When I open it up to extend the tower, I expect your cooperation on this matter.
-Tevish Szat, Overseer
Dear Urist McQueen
You mandate cages, and when I order cages made, you march off to the carpenter's workshop and build some yourself, getting a good thought for being "Satisfied at Work". Keep it up.
-Your pleased Overseer.
Post by: Omeganaut on January 10, 2013, 03:10:36 pm
Sorry about the confusion with the eggs. I was just trying to cook up the most delicious meals I could think of for your pleasure. Perhaps if you had forbidden those eggs from being cooked in the stocks library, kitchen section, I would have known better. Speaking of those omelets, how were they? Were they dry at all, because I was afraid I might have overcooked them a tad.
-Urist McChef
Deer Oversar,
We jus wanna sho u we luv ur fortruz sew maoch. Joen da partie, we haav alce.. aloco.. booz!
-Urists
Post by: Eric Blank on January 10, 2013, 05:44:35 pm
Don't let the goblins eat you this season!
Sincerely, your beloved overlord
Post by: TheKaspa on January 11, 2013, 09:40:15 am
if you like so much our outpost, why are you so greedy that I cannot trade 3 iron bars with a mere dwarven room barrel and a bag of seeds?
Post by: wierd on January 11, 2013, 12:37:20 pm
My good sir,
It may surprise you to know, that the added expense deals with a number of extenuating circumstances, and has very little to do with any personal predjudice, I assure you.
In the instance of those fine iron bars, one must consider what is required for them to be offered from amongst my fine selection of wares. A prospector, to identify the ore deposit, miners, to reveal the ore and free it from the cold earth, haulers to move the ore to the stockpiles and foundries, a foundry worker to smelt the ore into quality metal, an animal trainer to train my pack animals, a carpenter to construct my wagon, and of course, where I come in at the very last, the merchant, who makes the journey to present you with such fine merchandise.
Clearly, one can see how each one of those steps must invariably add value to the cost of a product, how a coarse wooden barrel and a featureless, drab, burlap bag filled with simple seeds just isn't sufficient for barter? Perhaps if one had encrusted a high quality barrel of fine craftsmanship with traces of lustrous metals and brilliantly sparkling gems, and if one had presented such seeds in a beautifully embroidered bag of excellent workmanship, could have had a deal, but as it stands with the merchandise such as it is, I simply can't imagine you getting all those items you wanted to trade for.
Clearly, if I am to be able to continue being a merchant I must return with items of sufficient value to cover my initial outlay, and the expenses of the trip with some extra. If I traded at a loss, my business and liklihood would surely suffer for it, and so I simply could not do that trade.
I look forward to seeing the amazing crafts and products of your impressive contribution to our glorious dwarven kingdom next autumn when I return, so that we might engage in a mutually beneficial enterprise.
Afterall, our fortunes rise and fall together!
Urist McMerchant.
Post by: TheKaspa on January 11, 2013, 02:53:48 pm
I understand your reasoning, but I was trying to sell you the bars.
Next year I'll have some useless rock crafts that I'll be more than happy to offer you in exchange of booze and supplies, so suit yourself. I won't be giving a single shard of ore.
Kaspa, Overseer
PS: could you at least keep in mind that I want a MALE dog, since I already have female ones?
Post by: Babylon on January 12, 2013, 04:38:49 am
There is a stockpile full of limonite like 12 steps away from the foundry. You do not need to go upstairs, out of the fortresss, across the wilderness festooned with goblin corpses, dwarf corpses from the necromancer siege, and the occasional live child snatcher to pick up the piece of limonite that was mined out excavating the future magma pump stack. I know you are thirsty and hungry after your long, slow journey. Please go have something to eat and drink and leave the next smelting job for a dwarf who is a little bit less ambitious in his material gathering goal.
And no, I can't designate that stockpile, because it is brimming with limonite and nothing else, and I want you smelting gold and garnierite too.
Post by: Babylon on January 12, 2013, 03:49:36 pm
You came here to make a profit. You had to know it was dangerous, and you also knew there was great profit to be made. Freaking out like a child and abandoning your wagon load of goods when the goblins attack one of your compatriots is not the way to make any profit at all.
If you don't want to trade, fine, but at least take all the stuff you brought to trade back with you, don't leave it laying forbidden in my depot to rot.
Post by: Eric Blank on January 12, 2013, 04:34:38 pm
Please don't freeze while I'm trying to save the game.
I hate you.
Post by: Scott Cee on January 12, 2013, 04:47:39 pm
How can you expect to stay the most badass of all the dwarfs in the Bronzemark if you keep getting yourself killed?
I understand that getting shot in the throat is not something that you can readily prevent, but we do lock down (or more technically up) the drawbridges in an attempt to channel bow-wielding enemies into the Path of Most Resistence which, as you know, is littered with infallible reciprocating pointy sticks, spinning discs, spiked balls and other such nastinesses devised by the fortress's engineers.
And I know that you couldn't have realistically known to dodge the hammer that caved in your skull when attacked from behind, but all this playing with the space-time continuum on my part in an attempt to keep you alive has got to stop, for who know what damage it may be doing to your timeline.
That time you fell in the moat and drowned when fighting that minotaur was genuinely pretty funny, though.
Thanks much,
your Overseer.
Post by: Pyre on January 12, 2013, 06:30:03 pm
First off, stop bitching about not having a bed, this is an outpost, not a mountainhome(yet). You want comfort? Shouldn't have come.
Second, when I tell you that we need beds made, what do you do? You haul shit back and forth. I guess you didn't really want that bed so badly after all. Quit fucking around and do some real work, the hauling can wait till the first set of migrants come.
Signed with boundless hate,
He Who Can Destroy Your World With A Twitch Of His Index Finger.
Post by: GuesssWho on January 12, 2013, 07:07:35 pm
Yes, the giant toad is in the water. However, we do have bows and arrows.
And you're standing right above the water anyway. Why can't you just stab it from above?
Post by: ☼!!Troll Fur Sock!!☼ on January 12, 2013, 08:21:36 pm
I know, I know. Mugs are great. Bone mugs are great. But... WHY DID YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR WIFE'S BONES?
Totally freaked out, Your Lord and Master.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on January 12, 2013, 09:02:31 pm
Thanks for ceasing to accept input from the mouse. That's very helpful.
Sincerely, the guy who relied on you for entertainment.
Post by: Shadowsandfire on January 13, 2013, 07:03:21 pm
Management has recently noticed you parked our only wagon, with all our supplies, halfway on top of a frozen lake in a Temperate location. In case you don't understand, the lake will soon thaw, and our wagon will be destroyed along with all the valuable supplies inside. Including but not limited to: Seeds for food and ale, An iron anvil, a full set of armor and weapons, and Basic tools with which to start our life. Once we find out who this wagon driver is, we will strip him/her of any clothing,armor,and weapons, put him/her in the military, and force him/her to play chicken with any invading forces. We will then throw his/her lifeless, butchered corpse down into the deepest pit. Should they survive, we will still throw them down the deepest pit, except we will make sure a river of molten rock awaits at the bottom.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
Your
Post by: Shadowsandfire on January 13, 2013, 08:18:10 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on January 13, 2013, 08:34:48 pm
Dear Fisherdwarves,
I know "there is nothing to catch in the tomb." That is an ornamental fountain. Go outside.
Dear Spirits of Fire,
This is DF 2012! Your randomly generated resurgence shall not avail you! Go back to the older version from whence you came! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
Post by: Scorch on January 20, 2013, 04:17:08 pm
How did you get on that wall? How? The bridge gate raises outwards, flinging you and your kind away from my fort. Now you're on top of my courtyard wall and all my friends are cancelling jobs because of you.
-Note in scrawled hand, wrapped around a +Horse Bone Bolt+
Post by: Tally on January 20, 2013, 06:06:15 pm
HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO DODGE A WHOLE STORY UP ONTO A WALL?!
1 month later:
Dear UristMcDodger:
How did you manage to get down from that wall with no staircase? I thought dwarves were supposed to collapse under their own weight from falling 2 feet. I need more booze.
Post by: Koremu on January 20, 2013, 07:32:39 pm
Stop trying to fish in the outflow pipe from the aquifer feed drop waterwheel. It'll go badly for you if you're in the way when I pull this lever.
There aren't even any fish. There's a perfectly servicable river much closer to home.
Get out of the way.
Post by: tahujdt on January 20, 2013, 10:14:27 pm
You, sir, are an insufferable nuisance. I have had my elite soldiers fireing upon you for five days with anti-tank weapons, yet you are able to block them with two shields. How the hell can you hold that shield in your mouth for so long, anyway?
Sincerely, the pony strapping explosives to a spritebot.
Post by: Togre on January 21, 2013, 06:09:11 pm
You are pathetic and cruel. Very, very cruel. I understand that the hedgehog woman has a gigantic frame and untold layer of fat. I understand that the first squad to reach her had bone crossbows without bolts. I understand that the other squad is mace squad of raw recruits. But seriously, after 45+ pages of making jelly of her upper body, somebody please give a head shot and put her out of her misery.
Seriously,
Your disturbed overseer.
Post by: Eric Blank on January 22, 2013, 09:35:06 pm
I know you think it's totally awesome to go for a swim in the aquifer water whilst channeling, but please, when you climb back out of the waterway, remember to grab your baby so they don't drown. There's three of them down there, now. There is no conceivable way of retrieving the corpses, and it isn't possible to vent the miasma without creating blocks of ice in the middle of the wetworks.
Sincerely, your overseer who doesn't really care anymore.
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 23, 2013, 09:29:58 pm
Less gold, tetrahedrite and sphalerite, and MOAR IRON ORE!
Fear us and our brass-equipped militia. Yeah. Impressive.
MOAR IRONZ NAO!
Nyx
Post by: WillowLuman on January 23, 2013, 11:37:16 pm
Dear World Gen,
Less gold, tetrahedrite and sphalerite, and MOAR IRON ORE!
Fear us and our brass-equipped militia. Yeah. Impressive.
MOAR IRONZ NAO!
Nyx
Sounds like 31.19 all over again
Post by: TheKaspa on January 24, 2013, 02:44:21 am
you told me you wanted booze, not water for drinking. I made you plenty of booze, or at least I had enough supplies of plants to let you brew all the alcohol you could manage to drink for the winter.
It's not my fault if the river froze, and the cavern didn't show an underground lake. Not that I would have allowed you near it, but still.
If you keep stocking items in stockpile instead of going to the brewery and drink when you are thirsty, it's not me who is responsible for your dehidration.
Stop throwing tantrum and go drink, for Amrok's sake!
A startled overseer.
Post by: wierd on January 24, 2013, 03:02:44 am
It might surprise you to learn that despite our reputation as skilled, hardworking laborers, we are really exceptionally lazy, which is why we constantly throw parties, go on break for months at a time, and also why we prioritize doing hauling jobs over everything else; taking a pair of coarse woolen socks to the finished goods pile is easy, requires not special skills, and wastes lots of time.
If you *really* want the brewer to get off his hairy dwarven bum and actually do the job his job title states, you first have to forbid him doing anything else, because like the rest of us, he would rather have somebody else do it. Also, since there's no nuclear dwarf fuel, or as we like to call it, "booze", you should expect that immediately after removing all labors except brewing from our beloved brewer, that he will immediately go on break, and stay that way while the whole fortress crumbles around him, bcause that's really how much we hate doing our jobs. As a kind-hearted service to you, I therefor suggest conscripting several dwarves this way, and turning off all their labors except brewing, and setting several stills to "brew drink /R", just to be sure.
Yours in a fit of sober rage,
Urist McMiner.
Post by: WillowLuman on January 25, 2013, 12:42:09 am
How did you latch onto his throat? HOW DID THAT POOR FISHERDWARF DIE TO A DAMN RACCOON!?
Sincerely, Expedition Leader
Post by: wierd on January 25, 2013, 12:45:41 am
I am a racoon. My paws are shaped like hands. How else do you think I latched on? Seriously!
--a now named raccoon.
Post by: WillowLuman on January 25, 2013, 12:57:02 am
With teeth, of course.
Damn, you just left the map, bastard! But I know your kind. One day, you will return, and announce so brazenly in red lettering! And on that day, you shall be caged. After that, well, we have not decided.
Sincerely, Expedition Leader
PS: VENGEANCE!
Post by: lumicrow on January 25, 2013, 03:53:03 am
Stop carrying your torn, bleeding baby around and get to the hospital. You're not excactly the mother of the year, are you?
Sincerely, Rest of the Fort
(I know this is a bug but it's still frustrating)
Post by: xana55 on January 26, 2013, 01:27:31 am
I understand that being the third reclaiming group is not an easy task what with the fifty or so corpses of other dwarves laying scattered across the map in the most inhospitable frozen landscape imaginable, but really it's not that hard to cram a corpse into a rock coffin. Seriously it's only two or three dead guys who are giving you trouble and I have no idea why. For the time being I have decided to forbid the skeletons in place and if resting for all eternity ontop of your designated burial receptacle isn't good enough for them well that's there loss. Best of luck draining the flooded basement out, we're all routing for you back home.
On an unrelated note should we prepare a fourth reclaiming group.
With regards, High Overlord Smich of the third great and bountiful dwarven empire
Post by: xana55 on January 26, 2013, 01:28:22 am
Why is there wine on every exposed surface in the courtyard? I don't really have a problem with you getting creative with the decoration but that's really a waste of good booze. That being said if it's already on the ground try to track it around everywhere you go if only for the sake of making better use of spilled booze then having it sit in pools in the courtyard.
The confused Overseer
Post by: GuesssWho on January 26, 2013, 04:15:17 am
The old barrels leaked. This happens when you abandon a fortress, sadly.
Dwarves.
Post by: Jack_Bread on January 26, 2013, 07:18:46 am
Please execute the vampire.
This is the fifth time.
Sincerely, the entire fort
Post by: WillowLuman on January 26, 2013, 10:08:51 am
Raise the drawbridge, or we are #$&@ed! I don't know how, but we have just confirmed that that minotaur that showed up is wielding a large, serrated disc! Hurry up and get that lever, I won't be able to hold him for long!
-Militia Commander, only member of military.
Post by: Greiger on January 26, 2013, 10:25:16 am
Post by: Eric Blank on January 26, 2013, 04:12:29 pm
Post by: Eoganachta on January 27, 2013, 04:35:31 am
Post by: WillowLuman on January 27, 2013, 12:42:03 pm
They didn't pull the lever. The beast knocked our sole warrior into the unfilled moat and is now beheading his way through our livestock. I can only hope these bloody stupid living codpieces I call workers will build that damn wall.
Post by: Flying Fortress on January 28, 2013, 08:27:22 am
Why....why have you all only be possessed? The only people that haven't been possessed, besides that one ranger-mason, have already been legendary. Why do you torture me so, all that training just to have you get a strange mood when you become legendary is so annoying. Then to have dwarves that I'm trying to encourage a strange mood in useful skills just get possessed and then be barred from ever getting instant legendary. If even one more of you metal workers becomes possessed consider yourself dead, I won't put up with this any longer. >:(
Your ticked off OverLord
-----------
Dear UristMcLeverPuller
Thank you for being slow, no seriously I thank you a lot. Because of you the elves were unable to get inside and the ambush took their lives. We now have a second female cougar to add to our breeding pair and the cougar kitten swarm should be coming any minute. We also have a giant hamster and skunk that we can dump down the volcano to scout out the magma sea.
Your thankful Overseer
------------
Dear Elves
Congratulations! Your yaks broke the ambush by killing some of the goblins! Only one of you escaped, sadly it must've been the one with all the food/booze, but I thank the rest of you for your contribution to Constructnatures. Your donation of a breeding pair of cougars will always be remembered as we send them to their death in the caverns.
Leader of Constructnatures
Post by: RiotShield on January 29, 2013, 12:36:38 pm
I understand that life here can be frustrating at times. I understand that you like that spot, and it is one of the few things you have here that you can enjoy. But I must question the logic of standing outside the fort directly in front of the ballistae fortification as the the Goblin filth charged. Your remains will not be collected.
Your amused Overseer
Dear Berserk Urist Unit
Your anger is understood, what with your entire family killed by that Forgotten Beast. However, it would have been preferred if you had waited to go insane after you had passed our hammerer and put away your weapons. If it had been an equally armored enemy you had killed with one stab to the eyes, I would have rewarded you. Instead, I must commend your former comrade and new hammerer who was, at the time you did the deed, standing directly behind you for bisecting you in a similarly instant fashion. You will not be missed.
Your irritated Overseer
Post by: rainpeltstar on February 01, 2013, 04:45:09 pm
Any clothes or items left on the floor of your rooms will be promptly dumped. That is all.
Your benevolent overseer
Post by: Urist McKiwi on February 01, 2013, 05:07:49 pm
As you well know, construction on the Mk.1 "Kill the World" device has been held up while you construct floodgates. What you *should* know is that your continued insistence on traveling across the entire fort to get to our non-magma-safe stone is resulting in my seriously considering building the Mk.1 in such a way that it cannot be turned off. Unless you would like this to eventuate, please look to the small mountain of basalt and granite next to your workshops. It's been there for half a year now, you must have noticed it.
Post by: rainpeltstar on February 02, 2013, 03:10:43 pm
I understand that sleeping, eating, and drinking are top priority, but could you please build those walls I ordered you to do? Those serpent-people are slowly advancing towards our main settlement.
The Overseer
Post by: Loud Whispers on February 02, 2013, 09:14:29 pm
Dear Overseer,
No.
-sincerely, Urist.
Dear Urist,
Yes.
-sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: Slash Harkiri on February 02, 2013, 09:56:20 pm
next time you decide to brutally murder one of your squadmates in front of five dwarves, do not pin the death on the zombie raven a kilometer across the river,not only will noone beleive you, but the tantrums of a result of a bird getting convicted was just retarded.
sincerely: The mountainhalls.
Post by: Silverlock on February 02, 2013, 11:00:57 pm
Dear captain of Archer squad one.
next time you decide to brutally murder one of your squadmates in front of five dwarves, do not pin the death on the zombie raven a kilometer across the river,not only will noone beleive you, but the tantrums of a result of a bird getting convicted was just retarded.
sincerely: The mountainhalls.
I find this one ridiculously hilarious.
Post by: Gentlefish on February 03, 2013, 02:15:42 am
Post by: rainpeltstar on February 03, 2013, 12:29:09 pm
"Urist McMason cancels Construct Building: Creature occupying site."
You're standing in the way, dumbass.
Overseer
Post by: tahujdt on February 03, 2013, 08:16:05 pm
Dear dwarves:Dear Overseer,
"Urist McMason cancels Construct Building: Creature occupying site."
You're standing in the way, dumbass.
Overseer
You don't know that! Maybe it's you in the way, didja ever think o' that?
Post by: TigerHunter on February 03, 2013, 09:22:41 pm
Dear Urist, Urist & Urist, AKA: The Pirate Mason Junta[q], move cursor over stockpile, [g], move cursor to workshop, [Enter]. The workshop will now only use stones from that stockpile.
As you well know, construction on the Mk.1 "Kill the World" device has been held up while you construct floodgates. What you *should* know is that your continued insistence on traveling across the entire fort to get to our non-magma-safe stone is resulting in my seriously considering building the Mk.1 in such a way that it cannot be turned off. Unless you would like this to eventuate, please look to the small mountain of basalt and granite next to your workshops. It's been there for half a year now, you must have noticed it.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 04, 2013, 01:16:27 am
For the love of all that is earthy, please stop migrating to my fortress!
Post by: Fishybang on February 04, 2013, 04:29:18 am
Your rather angry Overseer, Fishybang.
Post by: Valikdu on February 04, 2013, 04:59:16 am
Dear dwarves:
"Urist McMason cancels Construct Building: Creature occupying site."
You're standing in the way, dumbass.
Overseer
Dear Overseer,
You're in my way, sir.
Move away from there.
That's my mark you're at.
You're in my spot.
-Dwarves.
Post by: Imp on February 04, 2013, 05:16:46 am
We miss you. We were the best of pals! Together we ripped through this world, found treasures and secrets and killed all manner of evils fell and terrible. Even when you led us to become cursed, we held true to you and trusted in you - and our trust was redeemed, for you played well and delightfully.
Not one of our eyes were dry when you retired us; not one of us thought it was joy instead of sorrow to be free from your control as we resumed 'normal lives' as best we could where you released us. But we are no longer normal, and we would prefer to keep our fates entwined with your play.
We think it's awesome that we're together with you again, was it some sort of mistake that we got that message that you don't want us in your fine fortress? This is very hard to understand!
Your loyal, absolutely loyal retired werebeast adventurers,
Ready and willing to follow your play to the ends of the world.
Post by: Andux on February 04, 2013, 09:30:45 am
Dear Overseer,
You're in my way, sir.
Move away from there.
That's my mark you're at.
You're in my spot.
-Dwarves.
The Spoony One has become enraged! (http://spoonyexperiment.com/2009/05/04/lets-play-swat-4-mission-8-xenu-loves-the-little-children/)
The Spoony One punches Reynolds in the soul with his right hand, bruising the pathfinding routines.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on February 05, 2013, 08:52:00 pm
Dear Tigerhunter,[q], move cursor over stockpile, [g], move cursor to workshop, [Enter]. The workshop will now only use stones from that stockpile.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Holy shazbot man, you just blew my mind.
-That Cat Guy in Space
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mountainhomes,
Thanks for sending that first migrant wave! Yeah, I'm sure this military installation can make excellent use of that couple and their five children, especially those children. The parents will be working on forging equipment for their children's upcoming...volunteer service. Yeah, volunteer service.
-Dah Ovuhseeyah
Post by: Remuthra on February 05, 2013, 08:55:23 pm
When you run from enemies, please do not run towards them and away from the nice, safe fortress filled with murder holes to kill them with.
-Remuthra
Post by: Greiger on February 05, 2013, 11:50:37 pm
Dear player;
We miss you. We were the best of pals! Together we ripped through this world, found treasures and secrets and killed all manner of evils fell and terrible. Even when you led us to become cursed, we held true to you and trusted in you - and our trust was redeemed, for you played well and delightfully.
Not one of our eyes were dry when you retired us; not one of us thought it was joy instead of sorrow to be free from your control as we resumed 'normal lives' as best we could where you released us. But we are no longer normal, and we would prefer to keep our fates entwined with your play.
We think it's awesome that we're together with you again, was it some sort of mistake that we got that message that you don't want us in your fine fortress? This is very hard to understand!
Your loyal, absolutely loyal retired werebeast adventurers,
Ready and willing to follow your play to the ends of the world.
I cried a little inside.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 06, 2013, 02:56:18 am
Dear player;
We miss you. We were the best of pals! Together we ripped through this world, found treasures and secrets and killed all manner of evils fell and terrible. Even when you led us to become cursed, we held true to you and trusted in you - and our trust was redeemed, for you played well and delightfully.
Not one of our eyes were dry when you retired us; not one of us thought it was joy instead of sorrow to be free from your control as we resumed 'normal lives' as best we could where you released us. But we are no longer normal, and we would prefer to keep our fates entwined with your play.
We think it's awesome that we're together with you again, was it some sort of mistake that we got that message that you don't want us in your fine fortress? This is very hard to understand!
Your loyal, absolutely loyal retired werebeast adventurers,
Ready and willing to follow your play to the ends of the world.
It's not you, it's me. I just have this thing about people coming in, turning into animals, and then shredding people, it really bugs the crap out of me.
-Player
Post by: Mr Space Cat on February 06, 2013, 01:38:42 pm
You're a lazy asshole. You've been on break for several months now, and left all the digging to Miner Number One. We're not even out of the first year, and there's still a lot of digging left. Get your rear in gear or you might find your role replaced once one of the useless children comes of age. It wouldn't surprise me if you're still on break by then.
-Dah Ovuhseeyah.
Post by: hiroshi42 on February 06, 2013, 09:17:19 pm
I understand that most of you are... unhappy. We have had a tough few months what with the hooved undead army from hell killing some of the militia. This is no excuse for murder and mayhem as such I believe we need to clear the air on what one can expect to follow certain outbursts:
Killing of medical personnel will result in an unarmored trip to the danger room unless their death leads to yours.
Releasing of caged beasts shall result in a two month suspension of booze privileges.
Unless that beast kills someone else or was especially shiny in which case see above.
Failure to report a corpse decorating your room or the hospital or the freaking zoo will result in unspeakable horrors from beyond time being released on your collective buttocks. If I cannot engrave them I cannot really find out who killed them.
Breaking of other furniture, assaulting other dwarves, and running about naked and babbling are, for now, perfectly fine. Now please enjoy this fine relaxing mist and calm the hell down.
Dear migrants. Please use the hollow shell of the temporary fort for the time being. It is spacious and has hardly any blood and is probably not going to murder you any time soon.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Overseer who really should have prepared more before trying to clear out that curious structure and who might just kill you all out of spite.
Post by: Devling on February 07, 2013, 01:52:44 am
Post by: enizer on February 11, 2013, 06:23:38 pm
after looking over your area, your engravings are thus:
a: your lunch (about 45%)
b: the foundation of this fortress (about 10%)
c: defiyi onslaughtlion(elf) taming bobcats(year 39) (about 40%)
d: other non-history (about 5%)
really? this one elf? is that all the worlds history?
it's the year 204, the third year of this fort, surely something other then this one elf(taming bobcats) has mattered in the history of our world?
to the (vanilla)elf merchant: RE: travel?
i was unusually giving this year, loading your caravan up with random animals untill you couldnt carry any more
your responce: heading down, all the confusing way down to cave level 3 and exit the map THERE
..
well played..
to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of duty
you were sent down to the caverns, with two others, to get rid of the troglodytes interrupting our operators there
you preformed admirably, and dispatched them without injury, and then, as you finished your task:
you were unhappy, complainging about being releaved of duty.
even after many months and other tasks, you keep complaining about this
you are hereby being isolated, as the rest of us worry about your growing despair with occationally running out of things to kill
Post by: Awessum Possum on February 12, 2013, 09:22:06 am
You are now an exMiner. I hope you are happy. We have many nice empty rooms and beds you can sleep in. You don't have to sleep on the floor. Moreover, while it may indeed be warm, magma is a terrible bedfellow. You have cost me a miner, a pick axe, and a baby. Good job. Maybe you won't fall asleep next time you breach a volcano.
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Dear Masons,
Please just build those walls. Last time you didn't a dozen civilians and all but two militia men lost there lives and a further seven or eight died salvaging the situation. If you can not build those walls before another invincible death machine arrives, I shall lock you out with it, because my militia dwarves are more valuable than you.
Sincerely your overseer.
Dear Urist McCrazy,
You made my actually imprison a normal dwarf. Good job. I know you lost your entire family in that unfortunate fire-breathing tape worm incident. I tried to be understanding, even when you broke a fellow jeweler's arm. But you ripped the head off of a carpenter, which nearly set off a tantrum spiral. So yes, you are in prison. Stop whining. If you behave then I won't through you off the volcano temple when it finishes. Deal?
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated overseer.
Post by: hiroshi42 on February 13, 2013, 06:00:44 am
Sir, I am writing you to clarify the circumstances surrounding your emissary's recent visit. After finishing a most pleasant conversation your diplomat Atthem Usugiki began to depart with haste to your court. As she approached the main gates a posse of goblins made themselves known and we barred the entryway to give the fortress guard time to prepare. Seeking to return to you as quickly as possible your vassal decided to explore other avenues of escape. Discarding the caverns as too risky (and in one case slightly too on fire) and for some reason eschewing the dedicated and protected caravan route Madam Atthem hit upon the idea of using the zombie temple far beneath the surface. Fortunatly we have taken care most of the visable demons who poured out of the breach however we are certain that more remain. As such we have yet to disassemble the traps that aided us in our recent conquest and it is into one of those traps that Madam Atthem blundered. Our medical staff tells me that the sudden shock of being trapped in a relatively small dark space, combined with the sounds of denizens screaming in similar conditions was too much for her psyche and she was driven to madness. By the time a rescue party could be sent Madam Atthem was thrashing about and babbling. It is our opinion that she is incapable of making the arduous journey to your court and we shall keep her here until you can arrange an escort.
In the future it would be beneficial for you to impress upon your subjects that they are to use the clearly marked exits, and that the deepest pits are unlikely to return them safely to you.
Should you wish to seek punitive damages I would like to ask one question: Elves are delicious, are you?
Dear Urist McChampion,
After 6 months in hospital I understand the desire to be up and about, exploring the changes made to the fort. Your enthusiasm is appreciated but your venue could use some work as we just finished extracting the fool human ambassador from the temple. Since the bloodstains and zombie pieces did not seem to warn you please note the very large, solid, and most importantly locked door around the entrance. Should you somehow manage to circumvent the new security measures rest assured that we will retrieve your shattered corpse in a timely manner.
Dear goblin lashers,
Die in a fire.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on February 13, 2013, 06:10:49 am
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.
Can you let me sleep now?
Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[
Post by: Greiger on February 13, 2013, 10:52:45 am
Dear brain,Dear Very tired year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.
Can you let me sleep now?
Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[
No. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OrdinaryHighSchoolStudent)
-Brain
Post by: WillowLuman on February 13, 2013, 08:36:40 pm
Dear brain,
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.
Can you let me sleep now?
Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[
(http://t.qkme.me/3szex6.jpg)
Post by: Fallenworldful on February 14, 2013, 06:07:40 am
The seeds are right next to you. Stop telling me you can't find them.
Dear Urist McMacedwarf:
Next time, please use your Artifaect steel mace rather than the hammerer's candy hammer. I don't want three pages of you bashing the goblin on the head and bruising the muscle.
Dear Urist McLegendary + 5 Axedwarf:
I told you to stay in the barracks! Now all those goblins I was preparing to use for training are all dead! ::)
Post by: Larix on February 14, 2013, 06:45:25 am
to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of duty
Dear Overseer,
what's a dwarf to do who never got 'prenticed in a proper job? Whenever you calls me up to bash some troggos, everyone says 'well done, Urist', 'show 'em what we're made of' and the like. But in peacetime, everyone calls me a peasant and treats me as'n if I weren't worth spitting on. Of _course_ I don't like being relieved from duty and becoming a piece of despicable scum. Give me some profession to call meself by, and I'll be happy both in war and peace. Even if it's just the ability to crank a handle.
Sincerely, Urist McHero_in_Wartimes, McBum_in_Peace
(let the dwarf make rock blocks until s/he is a novice mason, or make them pump air for a few weeks)
Dear Urist McHaulers,
I wonder how you managed to path like that, but i'm sort of impressed - in spite of large swathes of the frozen lake being painted 'restricted', you still found a path to that stupid chert boulder that went over the surface and several dozen steps of ice instead of through the tunnels. No-one came to harm, but it _was_ late spring and you were making me nervous. The underground paths have been shortened and the restricted block has been expanded massively. Thank you for notifying me, i guess.
Dear Urist McOutpostLiaison and Caravan,
why do you even bother? No-one can access the trade depot, it's on an elevated platform you'd need to fly to enter (removed the ramp used for builder access), which horses and camels and ordinary dwarfs can't. But still, you come every year and whine like a moody child when we don't, just for the looks of it, order a bin of wolverine leather we won't ever buy. We really hope our outpost is just somewhere you're passing through, because if you'd be going out of your way just to not trade with us, that'd be a deplorable waste of your time and fodder.
Post by: Ironlion on February 16, 2013, 11:23:17 pm
1) Entering the danger room without wearing the proper protective gear WILL result in your untimely death. Civilians and pets are not permitted in the facility.
2) If you insist on bringing Fluffy into training with you, have the decency to remove the corpse before it starts to stink.
3) Crossbow users: it wouldn't kill you to get in some more range time.
4) The next person who doesn't throw away uneaten food in the barracks will be scheduled for unarmored danger room training followed by a patrol underneath the magma forge.
5) When the werewolf shows up on the map, just run. It may be heroic to try and slay it with your wooden crossbow or whack it with your fishing pole, but all your heroics will accomplish is an honorable funeral. If we can identify the body.
That is all.
Signed,
-Fortress Overseer
Attn Broker:
After reviewing the recent incident, I have announcing a change in company policy. Henceforth, all trips to personal quarters, dining rooms, galleys, dormitories, kitchens, and storage areas containing food and/or beverage are hereby forbidden to brokers while caravans are present on the map until all trading duties have been completed. Furthermore, personal time, breaks and non-brokerage tasks are now forbidden under these conditions as well.
I hope adherence to this new rule will help ensure that the business from this past Autumn will not be repeated.
-Fortress Overseer
To all mothers:
It is most unfortunate, but a review of the recent spate of child fatalities has concluded that in all cases these events were due to gross negligence or downright recklessness on the part of the mothers of the children in question.
When has it ever been a good idea to take a child hunting or fishing or woodcutting? This also can be said to apply to wandering around in the cavern searching for cave spider silk.
I would also ask all mothers with hauling tasks on their duty schedules to please refrain from taking your children into the danger room with you.
While the management of this fortress is not responsible for the recent deaths, grief counselling and bereavement support have been established in the offices on level 3, adjacent to the volcano cone. Please pay no attention to the mysterious sealed hatchway in the cieling.
Thank you,
-Fortress Overseer
Attn All Miners:
The death of Urist Macdigger after unfortunately falling down the vertical shaft that he was digging out has brought to light some startling indications of safety procedures and best mining practices being ignored. When concurrent areas on multiple levels are being channeled, it is of the utmost importance that all sections of the highest point be completed before attempting to channel sections located below them. Failure to follow this policy leads to significant risk of cave-ins and associated loss of
Please review the fortress policies RE: safety procedures before attempting a mining task in the future.
Sincerely,
-Fortress Overseer.
Post by: Zealord on February 16, 2013, 11:40:10 pm
You have been encased in ice.
Regards,
Dwarf Fortress
Post by: Ianflow on February 17, 2013, 08:26:24 pm
Was your motivation for jumping in front of the ballista JUST as it was firing, to make your mother cry over her dead 1 year old and only worsen a tantrum spiral? If it was, you achieved your dream!
With Thanks,
"Higher Management"
Post by: Thermi on February 18, 2013, 05:20:03 pm
Kindly,
Post by: Larix on February 18, 2013, 05:54:01 pm
you keep carting pots to the field to collect single rope reeds just so you can make two completely unnecessary extra trips, but when it's time to collect the gains of our capybara farm and a dozen are set up for slaughter, you steadfastly ignore the barrel permissions and insist on blocking one stockpile plot for each animal part. And of course, with the 'full' stockpile, you won't bring a barrel to hoover up the meat and make room for the meat still in the butcher's shop. And to make this even more hilarious, no-one but the superlegendary cook can be arsed to do any cooking, and he's on break. I appreciate you took the 'making miasma with minimal ressources' lessons so well to heart, but why? Do you feel so senselessly happy that you must produce something to complain about to feel properly dwarfy?
Baffled,
Your Overseer.
(P.S. well, i'll be damned. Cooks prefer seeds - even outside of barrels - over any type of non-barrelled/liquid food. I had lots of royal jelly but no flour (easiest foodstuff to store without barrels for me), so thought i'd enable jelly-cooking by cooking some of my excess seeds, which were sitting in bags about 50 steps further from the kitchen. Nope, didn't work.)
Post by: GuesssWho on February 18, 2013, 08:36:52 pm
Thanks in advance, Overdeity.
Post by: Niccolo on February 20, 2013, 12:54:53 am
I would take it as a kindness if you would live through your first year here. We all need to work together if we want to pierce this aquifer.
Sincerely,
Niccolo
Post by: Spectrelight on February 20, 2013, 02:06:43 pm
Due to repeated mishandling of infants, you have all been spayed and neutered. You're welcome!
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: hiroshi42 on February 22, 2013, 05:24:51 am
It has come to my attention that you have not been following even rudimentary safety precautions whilst digging. While a certain number of accidents is acceptable and we do have a fully stocked and quite frankly overstaffed hospital the most recent rash of incidents has become unfunny. There are now at least a half dozen of you with smashed toes or fingers and another handful with wounds that went septic. Oh and if you must channel out a staircase in such a way as to send yourself plummeting 50-60 stories please do so in the southwest stairwell so that you may serve as a learning tool.
Dear Humans:
Seriously? One diplomat decides to leave via clownsvile and gets caught, goes insane and dies and you send a siege. 5 years of favorable trades and a whole carp-ton of free elfbone jewlery and you still send a military response. Your warriors are just lucky they showed up after the dwarven caravan. We might let some of them live
Post by: Flanderbland on February 22, 2013, 05:40:19 am
Please stop informing me of the fact that the construction of my walls have been suspended due to someone being in the way. I simply cannot help you with this, since as soon as I order construction to resume, you, once again, move over to stand right at the construction site and figuring "Hey, I can't build here, I'm in the way of construction!".
So please, stop complaining about it to me, move away from the bloody tile, and do your job or so help me Armok I won't save you the next time the others decide to play a prank on you by enclosing you inside the walls.
Thanks,
The Overseer.
Post by: Spatulor on February 25, 2013, 04:37:27 pm
I understand you might be somewhat upset at the recent slaughter of the entire 15-dwarf-strong military of our recently-established fort. I also understand that you might be particularly upset, given that those 15 dwarves were sent into battle with crossbows and no ammunition, and included your entire family. But really, if they couldn't kill three goblin lashers, they pretty much deserved what they got, and THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR PUNCHING MY LEGENDARY MINER TO DEATH IN HIS HOSPITAL BED.
Sincerely,
Plotting your death.
Post by: Remuthra on February 25, 2013, 04:40:18 pm
Stop going exclusively for my Legendary military dwarves.
Regards,
U.R.I.S.T. HQ
Post by: racnor on February 25, 2013, 05:39:56 pm
Dear migrant fishery worker
If you had arrived in different circumstances, I assure you you would have been sent unarmored against the packs of giant rats in the caverns. I must also assume you noticed the large crowd of mutilated corpse corpse corpse's around our fortress. I congratulate you for encountering and detecting the necromancer.
I admit to curiosity as to how you brought a prototype swordgolem as a pet, but I cannot complain as to the results.
Congradulations, commander of the Geared watch. Your mithril sword is down the hall.
Your grateful overseer.
Post by: Urist_McUser on February 26, 2013, 04:17:43 pm
If you remove constructed stairs from below please place the building materials below your feet and not above your head.
Sincerely,
Your now very skull-jammed brain.
Post by: maddwarf on February 27, 2013, 10:44:57 am
I hereby formally request that you cease and desist your bellowing cries for rock, rock blocks, metal bars and cut gems, when all of the said items are located within two rooms of your illegally seized forge (two floors in the case of the gems).
Yours sincerely,
Urist McMacedwarfSoonyourexecutioner
Post by: Mentalpatient87 on February 27, 2013, 01:30:24 pm
When a giant, winged shrimp threatens our home or a blind cave ogre rips apart our very best cook, I expect ALL members of the guard to respond in a timely fashion. Formations and grouping are preferred, as there is strength in numbers. Four dwarves attacking at once can fell a jabberer before it flees the area, where one can only wound the creature. Stick together, move your asses, and learn the power of teamwork for your own sake.
From: The Management
Post by: MrSparky on February 27, 2013, 02:17:40 pm
You are never going to be able to wash yourself with that soap. Let me explain, you have lost all use of your arms and legs because you didn't wait for backup to take on a squad of elves riding flying mounts. Again. I would have thought you'd have learned your lesson after a giant owl tore up both your legs and your right arm before leaving you for dead. No, you went after the squad from the south while the rest of the military was taking on the 2 squads in the north. They didn't take a single scratch, by the way. Sure, you managed to bring down a giant eagle, a giant peregrine falcon, and an elf before the elf's owl got you but you almost bled to death before the medics got to you and your latest injuries have made you completely useless. It's a real shame. You were the best chief marksdwarf we'd had since Captain Skulllanterns bled out last winter.
ATTN Residents of Wheeledmoment;
Be more careful! Let Mr Gearedgranite's condition be a lesson on the dangers of elves and their warbirds. We haven't seen any other dwarves in nearly a decade so it's extremely likely that we're the last of our race. That means we have to work harder and be better at not getting maimed and killed.
Your benevolent guiding hand
Post by: Flanderbland on February 27, 2013, 02:33:59 pm
Could you kindly try to bring the goblinite to the storage bin, rather than bringing the storage bin to the goblinite and back again?
It would, quite frankly, save you from an extra return trip, and me from a severe headache due to complaints of "Urist McX has canceled X, can't find stuff".
Thanks,
The Overseer
Post by: Larix on February 27, 2013, 05:18:37 pm
Dear Urist McMadBlacksmith,
I hereby formally request that you cease and desist your bellowing cries for rock, rock blocks, metal bars and cut gems, when all of the said items are located within two rooms of your illegally seized forge (two floors in the case of the gems).
Check the dwarf's thoughts. It may be he/she has a liking for a specific type of metal, possibly an alloy. If at all possible, make bars of such metals. Dwarfs can insist on specific preferred stuff where the base material of their artefact is concerned; in case of blacksmithing/forges, that would obviously be the metal.
Other than that, never forget the basic sanity check before getting angry at a dwarf: confirm that the paths are actually clear. If the items are nearby and not reachable, the only one you can legitimately be angry at is yourself (happened to me often enough). And check that you really _do_ have the items the dwarf is asking for and didn't overlook anything - like shells, (colour) rough glass, bones, (type) cloth...
Post by: maddwarf on February 27, 2013, 05:37:36 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on February 28, 2013, 12:11:15 am
No matter how clumsy you are, please do not commit suicide by dropping a pile of wood on yourself (although, even after reading the report, I'm still not quite sure how you managed to suffocate).
-Annoyed Overseer
Dear UristMcAngry,
You might be throwing a tantrum, but using your strength to punch through the skilled woodburner's skull and brain does not make me happy. If you weren't legendary, you'd have already be a !!!dwarf!!! in lava.
Post by: GuesssWho on February 28, 2013, 12:37:04 am
You are down a hole with no exit and nothing to do but make the staircase and maybe look at some rough gems. WHY ARE YOU ON BREAK!?!
Post by: Lolfail0009 on February 28, 2013, 03:21:00 am
Dear Miner,Well, y'see here Overseer, these fancy-type gems be one'o me late great-granny's favourites, and seein' 'em reminds me o' her. Surely y'could let a guy remember 'is family for a month'r two?
You are down a hole with no exit and nothing to do but make the staircase and maybe look at some rough gems. WHY ARE YOU ON BREAK!?!
Post by: GuesssWho on February 28, 2013, 03:58:12 am
You can barely even tell, they're still rough!Dear Miner,Well, y'see here Overseer, these fancy-type gems be one'o me late great-granny's favourites, and seein' 'em reminds me o' her. Surely y'could let a guy remember 'is family for a month'r two?
You are down a hole with no exit and nothing to do but make the staircase and maybe look at some rough gems. WHY ARE YOU ON BREAK!?!
Post by: Larix on February 28, 2013, 07:16:14 am
You can barely even tell, they're still rough!Dear Miner,Well, y'see here Overseer, these fancy-type gems be one'o me late great-granny's favourites, and seein' 'em reminds me o' her. Surely y'could let a guy remember 'is family for a month'r two?
You are down a hole with no exit and nothing to do but make the staircase and maybe look at some rough gems. WHY ARE YOU ON BREAK!?!
Don't be silly! Of course we can, we're dwarves!
Don't you remember how I axed you when you told me to dig this hole why on earth you wanted some dumb hole dug in such a stupid place? You said, quote: "I don't care what you think, you hafta listen to orders. You'll dig that hole, and you'll like it!"
... guess what? I do like it. It's a nice hole. I'll take it.
Happily,
Urist McSittingInAHoleAndLikingIt
Post by: Sulacsol on February 28, 2013, 09:21:36 pm
The reason I embarked with three miners was to expedite the clearing of workshop space and to enable me to dig out quickly underground farms. While I understand the need to eat and drink, I do not understand why you must take an entire month to do those two things. The first year is critical: If I am to have anything to trade with the caravan from the homeland in two months, no time can be wasted. I need to have those farms going so I can begin cooking meals and so I can start constructing craft and trade good workshops. Food is running low, as I'm sure you noticed when you were rummaging through the food stocks for the third time this season, and time is running out to get those farms dug before we starve. I do not understand why you won't commit a little more time to ensure that we can produce the food for your very survival, but at this rate, there's going to be another team of dwarves embarking here at Veiltome within a year. Because you'll all have starved to death. You do know you'll not have any more booze if you don't dig the farm plots soon, right? Because there won't be a damn thing to brew, let alone eat. So, please stop circle-jerking or whatever the heck you're doing that's making it take so long, grab your picks, and get back to work.
Sincerely,
A concerned-for-your-livelihood Overlord
Post by: GuesssWho on March 01, 2013, 02:02:12 am
Also, why is there a stray hen having a tantrum?
Post by: Lolfail0009 on March 01, 2013, 03:03:48 am
Also, why is there a stray hen having a tantrum?
CLUCK CLUCK MOTHERF***ER
Post by: Boltgun on March 01, 2013, 06:50:37 am
I am delighted that you choose my fort to migrate in. However, as you can see, there is no vegetation anywhere. So congratulations, you are now an axedwarf.
Here's your Xcopper helmX, have fun !
Sincerly,
your overseer.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on March 01, 2013, 07:46:39 pm
Thank you for testing out the thrownaxes. It is, however, unfortunate that you were slain trying to finish off a wounded Iloial. Those plant people are tough, aren't they? Anyway, we've hired a new test subject. Demonblood 2 has been testing the lever-action rifle, using the silver .40-75 Gov't cartridges we supplied. We're thinking about including the .40-75 bit with the rifle's name for convenience.
Sincerely, Psychohorn Weapons Manufacturing.
Post by: Niccolo on March 01, 2013, 10:39:12 pm
Why is a third of my fortress' inventory dumped on the staircase? That staircase is nowhere near the stockpile, nor is it anywhere near your path!
What is even more perplexing is whyyou dragged masterwork crafts from the workshop, past the stockpile and threw them down the stairs. Do you hate our craftsdwarf?
Confused,
Overseer.
Post by: Eric Blank on March 01, 2013, 11:52:00 pm
Did you accidentally designate them to be dumped or something of the like?
Sincerely, dorfen bureau of problem
Post by: hiroshi42 on March 02, 2013, 01:33:11 am
How in the blood soaked elvish hell did you manage to damage your boots? some of them are xbootsx. Why were you storing them in a refuse stockpile? When were you storing them in a refuse stockpile? or were you idiots playing in the hot hot heat of the volcanic anomalies (Places where temp didn't update properly after the volcano was drained). Pleas report to Urist McArmorsmith for a new set of boots.
Dear Urist McDuckDuckDuke:
You were appointed to your current position because you enjoyed axes and high boots. Over the past 5 years you have requested them a total of 4 times. Every other mandate has been for large gems and despite the fact that we are currently hollowing the mountainside we are running out of raw gems. Please note that we are training a replacement armorer and adjust your mandates accordingly.
Yes I am aware that we can cut stone or glass, but frankly we are producing too many untradeable cheap crafts now anyway.
Post by: Larix on March 02, 2013, 01:46:06 am
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 02, 2013, 07:21:22 pm
Dear Urist, Urist & Urist, AKA: The Pirate Mason JuntaDear Urist McKiwi,
As you well know, construction on the Mk.1 "Kill the World" device has been held up while you construct floodgates. What you *should* know is that your continued insistence on traveling across the entire fort to get to our non-magma-safe stone is resulting in my seriously considering building the Mk.1 in such a way that it cannot be turned off. Unless you would like this to eventuate, please look to the small mountain of basalt and granite next to your workshops. It's been there for half a year now, you must have noticed it.
You didn't hear it from me, but if you link a stockpile which only accepts certain kinds of stone to a workshop, that stone is the only one that will be used in the workshop.
Sincerely,
An Ominous Dwarf
Dear retired werebeast adventurersDear Hugo Luman,
For the love of all that is earthy, please stop migrating to my fortress!
Why? Don't you like warriors of epic skill who can't be permanently incapacitated by nonfatal injuries, nor starve/dehydrate to death?
Sincerely,
Urist McBadassWere
to the engravers guild: re: recent engravingsDear enzier,
after looking over your area, your engravings are thus:
a: your lunch (about 45%)
b: the foundation of this fortress (about 10%)
c: defiyi onslaughtlion(elf) taming bobcats(year 39) (about 40%)
d: other non-history (about 5%)
really? this one elf? is that all the worlds history?
it's the year 204, the third year of this fort, surely something other then this one elf(taming bobcats) has mattered in the history of our world?
We only engrave local events. Make an event that it local.
Sincerely,
Engravers Union
Quote
to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of dutyDear Overseer,
you were sent down to the caverns, with two others, to get rid of the troglodytes interrupting our operators there
you preformed admirably, and dispatched them without injury, and then, as you finished your task:
you were unhappy, complainging about being releaved of duty.
even after many months and other tasks, you keep complaining about this
you are hereby being isolated, as the rest of us worry about your growing despair with occationally running out of things to kill
Give me something to do that builds up a civilian skill quickly. Rock blocks or mugs, perhaps.
Sincerely,
Urist McBored
Dear Miners:Dear Niccolo,
I would take it as a kindness if you would live through your first year here. We all need to work together if we want to pierce this aquifer.
Sincerely,
Niccolo
Gee, thanks. Try not to kill us. Take our intelligence into conideration.
Sincerely,
Miners
Dear Urist McVampire,Dear UHQ:
Stop going exclusively for my Legendary military dwarves.
Regards,
U.R.I.S.T. HQ
But they're so tasty, and I hear that I'll start sparkling if I do it enough! If I can just sparkle a little, I hear I can get a bunch of fangir--URK!
Sincerely,
Staked
(from masterwork df)Dear Overseer,
Dear migrant fishery worker
If you had arrived in different circumstances, I assure you you would have been sent unarmored against the packs of giant rats in the caverns. I must also assume you noticed the large crowd of mutilated corpse corpse corpse's around our fortress. I congratulate you for encountering and detecting the necromancer.
I admit to curiosity as to how you brought a prototype swordgolem as a pet, but I cannot complain as to the results.
Congradulations, commander of the Geared watch. Your mithril sword is down the hall.
Your grateful overseer.
Wouldn't you bring a bodyguard if you came here? Especially in such a disliked position as fishery worker. And look, I'm being drafted!
Sincerely,
Urist.
Dear Demonblood 1,What mod is that, anyways?
Thank you for testing out the thrownaxes. It is, however, unfortunate that you were slain trying to finish off a wounded Iloial. Those plant people are tough, aren't they? Anyway, we've hired a new test subject. Demonblood 2 has been testing the lever-action rifle, using the silver .40-75 Gov't cartridges we supplied. We're thinking about including the .40-75 bit with the rifle's name for convenience.
Sincerely, Psychohorn Weapons Manufacturing.
Dear Urist McMilitia:Mystery solved. All worn items degrade in refuse stockpiles, to help clean up worn clothing faster.
How in the blood soaked elvish hell did you manage to damage your boots? some of them are xbootsx. Why were you storing them in a refuse stockpile? When were you storing them in a refuse stockpile? or were you idiots playing in the hot hot heat of the volcanic anomalies (Places where temp didn't update properly after the volcano was drained). Pleas report to Urist McArmorsmith for a new set of boots.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on March 02, 2013, 07:30:58 pm
Post by: Mr Space Cat on March 02, 2013, 11:24:07 pm
Dear big migrant waves,
Go away.
Come back when the above-ground fort is finished and we have the space and supplies for you.
Sincerely, Axehole Fort Management
Post by: Lida_Brainbroken on March 02, 2013, 11:57:56 pm
Open letter to the Human merchants;
We thank you for trading with us, but this past season was a disappointment we don't want repeated.
Though we doubt we'll be trading on trading terms in the future, we wish to point out that it was all your doing. Eventhough we only traded one Cave Dragon war mount this year, you still took your time packing to leave. You took so long that we worried the Dwarf caravan would be arriving soon and took measures to ensure you had a clear path to exit the depot by erecting a second depot in the court yard. Yet, when the caravan arrived, you still managed to clog the gate while exiting the court, thus bringing progress to a complete standstill.
We appreciate your efforts to assist us when the siege followed the Dwarf caravan, but the carnage that ensued could have been avoided if you had left in a timely manner instead of taking three months to pack up.
We will be eagerly awaiting your return with pointy-jabby things in our hands, and the remaining nine Cave Dragons will be caged outside our walls ready to be released for our delight and entertainment.
Signed, the remaining Dwarfs of Greatfold.
ps: Get stuffed!
Post by: MightyDorf on March 03, 2013, 04:22:36 am
Why the fuck don't you dump and clean the mess at the fortress entrance ? There are three dozens of orcs/goblins/elf squeleton corpses over here, junk stuff, teeths and body limbs EVERYWHERE (on the ground, on the walls, even two z-levels higher on the mountain side), the ground is soaked in frozen blood which have been spilled here for years and for the glory of Iton Datan, there's not even a white, clean single unit of soil in a thirty squares perimeter around the entrance ! With it's huge trails of blood and vomit ending at the western map corner, this bloodbath is a fucking multicolored ice skating. You have water, you have buckets, you have the pathway, the garbage's door is unlocked and your hauling label is enabled, no burrows at all, then do it ! If you don't, at least dump those stinking elf corpses near the trade depot !
Sincerely,
Your very annoyed Overseer.
Post by: Wrex on March 03, 2013, 04:40:47 am
When you went on a rampage, we hardly expected you to lash the resident hidden vampire to death. Your methodical madness has been noted. Killing the baron was...less desirable.
Post by: Larix on March 03, 2013, 07:34:35 am
Dear Urist McCleaner,
Why the fuck don't you dump and clean the mess at the fortress entrance ?
Dear(?) Overseer,
That's the evil outside! You told us it's the realm of the fearsome and despicable elf out there (we have to take your word for that, all the elves we've seen so far were perfectly harmless and nice, if expectedly strange and stuck-up). If you forced us, we might be willing to shift some of the garbage (standing orders - refuse - collect refuse from 'outside', i.e. aboveground), but you'll never make us clean up there. Never!
Steadfastly staying where we belong,
Urist McCleaners
(you'll have to order a construction, road or workshop built on top of dirty outside squares, then have it demolished. Cleans up the floor underneath reliably, and you can scale it from single floor tiles to kennels. Walls are another matter, alas.)
Post by: Fortport on March 03, 2013, 08:50:02 am
For the good of the fortress, please stop making babies. You've all already got well over a hundred, and are bringing this fortress to its knees.
Your frustrated, and mentally fatigued overseer.
Post by: ramensoup on March 03, 2013, 11:50:01 am
I understand that a lot of you are females and I understand that you have needs and I understand that you have children, however, I would advise that you do NOT include your tiny babies in the pit training activities and fighting dangerous Goblin army animals and disarmed Goblin soldiers with a child in your arms. I am tired of burying poor Urist McChildOfABadMother.
Sincerely,
Ramen, Mysterious Force
Post by: maddwarf on March 03, 2013, 11:50:15 am
The fortress is swimming in plants and almost devoid of beer, there are three empty stills and yet you are set on storing items in barrels, hauling stone and taking breaks! The Expedition Leader cannot always be expected to do your job for your lazy self. Kindly perform the task before the whole fort goes mad from alcohol withdrawal.
Yours sincerely,
The Soberseer
P.S. Please stop fabricating these lies about not having any plant material. The next time you cancel the blasted job you shall be having a few rounds with the hammerer!
Post by: Drenake on March 03, 2013, 12:24:33 pm
The next couple that brings more than two (2) childrens with them will be denied access to the fortress. We already have 41 McChildrens for a total population of 78. This fortress is not a daycare center...
If the Adults/Kids ratio does not improve with the next migration wave, I will have to
Have a good day,
Overseer
Post by: weenog on March 03, 2013, 01:18:12 pm
Dear Urist McBoozeMaker,
The fortress is swimming in plants and almost devoid of beer, there are three empty stills and yet you are set on storing items in barrels, hauling stone and taking breaks! The Expedition Leader cannot always be expected to do your job for your lazy self. Kindly perform the task before the whole fort goes mad from alcohol withdrawal.
Yours sincerely,
The Soberseer
P.S. Please stop fabricating these lies about not having any plant material. The next time you cancel the blasted job you shall be having a few rounds with the hammerer!
Dear Soberseer,
I know your time is valuable, so I give you brief summaries, not wanting to trouble you with a detailed incident report. When I say I need plants, what I'm trying to tell you is that I can't reach or can't find the plants I'm trying to get -- the haulers have run off with the barrel and left it some damned place when I go looking for it. If you put a big mess of brewin' plants near the stills for me, and tell the damn fool haulers they don't need to go in barrels with the other plants, I won't disappoint you.
As frustrated by this situation as you,
Urist McBoozeMaker
---
The brew jobs get cancelled because the brewer will target a specific plant for brewing, and if the barrel it's in moves (because a hauler is collecting other plants with that barrel, perhaps), the brewer loses track of where the plant is, and can't get it. The solution is a large plant stockpile near the stills that allows 0 barrels.
Post by: maddwarf on March 03, 2013, 05:11:02 pm
I'd assigned a plant and seed stockpile nearby, but I hadn't thought of checking the barrel settings. I'll give them a look - thanks!
Post by: tahujdt on March 04, 2013, 10:35:05 pm
Re: The giant radscorpions
I understand that, given you are locked out on the surface, starving, absorbing radiation like a Chernobyl goat, and running away from giant radioactive scorpions, you are quite busy. However, when you get the chance, please pile all of the bodies neatly next to the hatch so's I can retrieve them easily afterwards.
Yours, the Overstallion
Post by: thefish1992 on March 05, 2013, 01:07:00 pm
NO. you want a orichulam cabinet? then you can stop barring the trade of crowns. we have 73 of those glorified tiaras, and i'm getting tired of these interfering with trade. either drop the ban or i will have you repla BOOM!!!
(end of recording)
Message to sent to all Able-body military personnel of Lyingmoths.
I need all of you that can still stand to get to the trading depot (or whats left of it) now! i don't know what happened but the entire area just went up in smoke and their are 14 zombies milling about in it, no wait only 5 are left, but i need you to take those zombies out before they get to any civilians.
Warning sent to all non military orcs in Lyingmoths.
Please stay up on the high grounds for now. I know you all have a lot of work to do down their but if you didn't notice the entirety of the low grounds is now a inferno, you all are going to have to stay and the Burning Orc Tavern for now while the military sort this mess out ok? and yes mason i already knew your jobs were canceled, you don't have to tell me.
Message sent to Warlock traders guild.
Dear Warlock Traders,
Re: Concerning the incident 253 Moonstone
I have put up with quite a lot from you already what with your traders necromancy, but this went to far, when not only you, the deep dwarves, and the my taiga orc brethren show up to trade at once i was worried something would happen, but this?!
somehow you lot not only blew up my trade depot, all nearby paved roads, the doors of the nearby building, and setting the entire lower area of the map on fire, but you also killing everyone and everything including the other merchants, yourselves, and all of the animals brought to trade at the trade depot, 9 of the zombies one of your necros raised, 3 of my military and no less than one skunk in the initial blast. We will be claiming a recompense payment from the next caravan you send to cover damages.
On a personal note? Just between you and me. that was the most fun I've had in while please keep coming to trade with us.
Your bemused trade partner thefish1992
Post by: Dunamisdeos on March 06, 2013, 03:36:51 am
The late Urist McAxedwarf was missing his goddam right arm, why did it take you 2 weeks to diagnose it? Were you trying to locate the missing appendage? Were you consulting the handbook? Maybe you were contemplating how to breathe magma? That last one is something you might want to spend some more time considering.
Make sure to pack a magma safe lunch,
The Overseer
---------------------
Dear Urist McMason,
We are still under siege, you may note. You may also note the gaping hole in the wall, right next to the overland farms. Please feel free to MOVE YOUR BELARDED A** OFF OF THE CONSTRUCTION SITE BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO FINISH THE WALL so that we can make ourselves safe fro-. Oh no, I see. The goblin/troll/cave dragon horde is past the gap. Instead, please report to your designated siege vault. It's the one we locked Urist Longtooth-Paleskin in 37 years ago. I hear he's friendly.
Make sure to bring some ketchup,
The Overseer
---------------------
Dear Urist McLeverpuller
I'm sure you've noticed the chaos enveloping our prosperous fortress as of late. You can stop this. All I you need to do i-. Oh. Well no, no I see. You're tired, and need to sleep. Immediately. No, I understand. It would put you in a bad mood to forgo your afternoon nap. Just make sure to let me know when you've finished, we do have an onslaught to stem.
I'll just be in my room, destroying all of the furniture, and maybe striking anyone who happens by.
Make sure to bring the punch,
The Overseer
Post by: MrSparky on March 06, 2013, 01:11:03 pm
You are over 5% of the population. That said you are useful to me only when the tall folk come to visit and even that is debatable as we haven't actually traded goods in years. You are both replacable and disposable. Remember that before you make your next mandate.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on March 14, 2013, 12:12:29 am
Stop using the adamantine strands, you jackasses. We have loads of silk and hair threads for your specific needs. Not only that, but this thread is kept right next to the hospital. Why would you walk further down than necessary to use strands of GODMETAL when useless hair works just as well?
Hear that? That's the sound of my palm hitting my face. don't make me do that again.
Yours, dah ovuhseeya
Post by: foop on March 14, 2013, 10:22:46 am
I understand that you are unhappy with your tattered and worn clothing. It would shame any right-thinking dwarf. My question is, why are you ignoring the room full of masterwork socks? You can have all of them if it makes you happy.
Alternatively, I can lock you in a small room and drop socks on your head until you die. It's your call.
The Overseer.
Post by: Durmatagno on March 14, 2013, 10:27:34 pm
Please stop wailing on that Ogre, you've used a full 200 jagged bone arrows on it, and its still trying to run, and succeeding half the time. Your a Orc, learn when to stop trying to kill something. Go hunt those elk over there cowering in the corner. On that note.
Dear UristMcWoodCutter
Can you tell me where the hell you got that candy axe, and why your using it to cut wood, unlike all the other Orcs who are using iron?
Dear UristMcSlaveLabour
I captured you in a raid, why the hell do you think we'll feed you, a filthy dwarf, twice as much as the Orcs in this fortress, and why we'll give you our precious booze, we're extremely low. STAHP or dump you in the reservoir with the vampire corpse.
.............................
Dwarf Fort
Dear UristMcAllSmiths
Where the hell is that cotton candy coming from, I've not even breached the second cavern yet, let alone the candy.
Dear Captured FB
Thank you for having a very mild dust, short nausea is very mild compared to the one that melted off the faces. Your diamond skin and inability to attack otherwise makes you perfect for practice. When the next wave arrives, the useless ones go to you for food instead of the trolls in the arena next to you.
Sincerely, Armok's avatar #323452, Durmatagno.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 15, 2013, 01:08:09 am
Hi. Dwarves should not go through solid walls. Why are you shirking your duties as things which cannot occupy the same space at the same time?
Post by: Durmatagno on March 16, 2013, 01:13:32 am
I applaud you for retaining sanity after demons slaughtered 154 dwarfs, and the others all died in the hospital. I applaud you for slowly, but diligently colonizing hell, and I applaud you for killing seven demons with an iron pick. However, I ask that you shoot Friendly Demon Bob sitting in that corner over there. You stare at him and he stares back anytime your on break, I know you talk, and I know that when your done, and ready to get back to work, he, sounding very bored, tells you how he plans to kill you. This does NOT mean your friends. Stop trying to give him water, you can't walk on the water he's trapped behind. My biggest question is, why is it when your not working he's labeled friendly, and when you are, he's hostile and makes you shit yourself? What did you do..................Bob is a chick....................okay, what did you do to Jenny to make her/him/it so friendly when your lazy? Also, please refrain from rescuing the cats I'm feeding him/her/it, they are being fed to the demon because we have 54 of them running around, and their spamming build cancellations. Once the next migrants arrive in two months, you'll be retired back to making weapons and furniture in your personal palace, until them, please refrain from slipping inside the sewage pipe.
From, your sanity, Durmatagno.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on March 16, 2013, 01:15:59 am
Post by: Devling on March 16, 2013, 01:23:28 am
That's quite the dwarf.Indeed. This requires deeper inquiry.
Post by: Eric Blank on March 16, 2013, 01:51:42 am
Post by: WillowLuman on March 16, 2013, 01:59:03 am
Post by: Lolfail0009 on March 16, 2013, 02:18:17 am
PIX OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN
Post by: Spacespinner on March 17, 2013, 12:19:20 pm
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
Post by: smirk on March 17, 2013, 05:34:09 pm
Dear Expedition Leader
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
You do realize what this means, yes? Every above-ground part of your fort needs a ceiling of clear glass o_0
Post by: Lida_Brainbroken on March 17, 2013, 08:54:46 pm
All you woman need to be burrowed there, too. Better make lots of crossbows.Dear Expedition LeaderYou do realize what this means, yes? Every above-ground part of your fort needs a ceiling of clear glass o_0
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
Post by: Ianflow on March 18, 2013, 01:31:15 am
Dear Expedition Leader
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
You do realize what this means, yes? Every above-ground part of your fort needs a ceiling of clear glass o_0
Are you desiring to break the glass ceiling?
Y/N
Dear Urist McFarmerandAdequateBeekeeperDwarf,
It says you are installing a new colony, which I enjoy you doing.
However, you are clearly standing in the middle of a field, nowhere near our hives, prone to the elements, happy as can be, next to the refuse stockpile that could power a nation with its miasma via turbines.
Once I relieve you of beekeeping duties, you leave that spot. This spot, is the exact same spot any dwarf like you who is assigned to keep bees, goes to. It shall be henceforth referred to as the Elfen Square of Idiocy, and any dwarf installing a hive caught there will promptly be dropped via retracting drawbridge into a fire imp infested room.
That was a lie, since I am too lazy to waste time on such trivial matters, you will just be beat across the face with a flying lungfish.
-With Sympathy To Your Idiocy,
The Overlord
Post by: weenog on March 18, 2013, 01:35:13 am
Bees are hard to find. I just go back to where bees were found before, hoping they've made a new nest there.
Sorry,
Urist McFarmerandAdequateBeekeeperDwarf
Beekeeping is currently bugged. Beekeepers trying to install colonies in hives can't keep track of where wild hives have been destroyed, or where new ones have spawned. Consequently they will tend to go back to empty pointless areas looking for bees that used to be there, but have long since passed. There's not a whole lot that can be done about it right now, which is sad (I like bee keeping... animal taming too), but don't hold it personally against the dwarf.
Post by: Necrisha on March 18, 2013, 01:46:21 am
Quote
There's not a whole lot that can be done about it right now, which is sad (I like bee keeping... animal taming too), but don't hold it personally against the dwarf.
Aside from building a 3x3 wall where they keep going- yes not a whole lot.
Dear. Urist McMasons,
We are in a terrifying biome! If you don't buil-
Dear Husks,
Nevermind.
Post by: Ianflow on March 18, 2013, 02:27:37 am
Dear Overlord,
Bees are hard to find. I just go back to where bees were found before, hoping they've made a new nest there.
Sorry,
Urist McFarmerandAdequateBeekeeperDwarf
Beekeeping is currently bugged. Beekeepers trying to install colonies in hives can't keep track of where wild hives have been destroyed, or where new ones have spawned. Consequently they will tend to go back to empty pointless areas looking for bees that used to be there, but have long since passed. There's not a whole lot that can be done about it right now, which is sad (I like bee keeping... animal taming too), but don't hold it personally against the dwarf.
I swear there was never a bee's nest there. When I started out, it was the first refuse pile. Then again, you're probably right that there was one there before haha
I love beekeeping now, I mean, the beekeeper dwarves used to be as worthless to me as the cheese makers
QuoteThere's not a whole lot that can be done about it right now, which is sad (I like bee keeping... animal taming too), but don't hold it personally against the dwarf.Aside from building a 3x3 wall where they keep going- yes not a whole lot.
I assume this would just cause job cancellation
What I can do is deassign the beekeeper and reassign them
It just takes micromanagement
Post by: Necrisha on March 18, 2013, 02:31:21 am
Post by: Bhargo on March 18, 2013, 04:22:09 am
While I am happy you are doing some masterwork gem encrusting, please stop doing it to the mechanisms and buckets. There is a statue stockpile right next to you.
Post by: weenog on March 18, 2013, 04:54:39 am
Dear Urist McJewelcrafter,
While I am happy you are doing some masterwork gem encrusting, please stop doing it to the mechanisms and buckets. There is a statue stockpile right next to you.
Set up stockpiles that allow only what you want encrusted (don't forget stockpiles for jewels to cut or attach, also) and link them to the jeweller's workshop. The workshop will take only from them.
Post by: Larix on March 18, 2013, 05:58:08 am
Dear Overlord,
Bees are hard to find. I just go back to where bees were found before, hoping they've made a new nest there.
Sorry,
Urist McFarmerandAdequateBeekeeperDwarf
Beekeeping is currently bugged. Beekeepers trying to install colonies in hives can't keep track of where wild hives have been destroyed, or where new ones have spawned.
I've edited that into the wiki - the coding entity that causes the hiccup isn't the beekeeper but the hive requesting a new colony: most commonly, two hives request the same colony installed, either a wild colony or one from an occupied and 'ready to split' hive. The problem is that the 'loser' who doesn't get the colony won't ever cancel the job but rather sends a dwarf to the source location, trying to find a colony where none exists, without error messages or anything. The on-spot fix is to remove the job _from the building_, the hive which requests the colony. This can be done either by demolishing the hive, or (much shorter and easier) by toggling the 'c' setting of the offending hive, letting the game run for a few seconds, and toggling 'install colony when ready' back on. To find which hive causes the problem, scroll through the 'j'obs list, select the stuck beekeeper's job and zoom to 'b'uilding. This is the location where the colony is expected to be installed.
This is my chosen method of dealing with it, and it has worked flawlessly so far. I regularly produce mead and export something like two hundred wax crafts per year in bee-heavy forts.
Running into this problem without prior knowledge is massively irritating. I very nearly gave up on bees at the time.
Post by: Spacespinner on March 18, 2013, 07:48:06 am
All you woman need to be burrowed there, too. Better make lots of crossbows.Dear Expedition LeaderYou do realize what this means, yes? Every above-ground part of your fort needs a ceiling of clear glass o_0
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
Dear Fortress Guard.
I realise we're called the "Roof of Women", but I disapprove of you using that as an excuse for the squad name.
The Granite Growths
The Oily Surprise
The Wild Oars
The Open Gates
The Solitary Gorges
...Getting real tired of your shit master Urist
Post by: tahujdt on March 18, 2013, 12:08:21 pm
Thank you so much for successfully analyzing the spell matrices of Enclave-model power armor. Now, if you could have reverse engineered the actual armor plating, that would be just ducky.
Yours, an overseer who wants his sniping squad to have really cool black power armor.
Post by: Markus on March 19, 2013, 12:06:13 pm
STOP KILLING EVERYONE I SEND TO THE HOSPITAL.
That is all.
Post by: McDonald on March 22, 2013, 11:52:21 am
Why you are called Usasp Strapsfrothed "the Ugly Vomit"? It doesn't look good in my military kill list.
Signed
ROTFLing Overseer
-----------------------------------
Dear Swordmaster,
After killing five
Signed
Confused Overseer
(PS. Just signed up to post it! Hello everyone :)))
Post by: Slayerhero90 on March 22, 2013, 07:44:53 pm
Pay no heed to the animal men and get back to raising the town hall. We've got two competent axedwarves and a competent swordsdwarf murdering them to death with their hands. What you need to do is get the roof and floor and walls built.
Post by: Stargazer on March 24, 2013, 05:08:34 pm
Okay you dumb bugger. There are two stacks of goblin crossbowmen sitting right outside my fortress gate. I know you want to leave, but if I lower the drawbridge, not only will you and your entire caravan die, but they'll easily be able to rush straight into my fort and cause untold damage.
Seriously. I think you can put up with living inside my walls for a while. I have plenty of food, booze, and pretty much anything you could possibly want. I'm not attempting to kidnap you. Believe me, I would -gladly- let you wander out and die if it didn't mean I'd likely lose a a few dozen of my citizens. Going berserk and attacking everyone in sight isn't helping matters. Quit it.
Yours truly, Overseer.
Post by: MrSparky on March 24, 2013, 06:07:49 pm
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!
Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors
Post by: Mlamlah on March 25, 2013, 12:30:20 am
When i tell you to "Hunt" i do not mean "enter the one tiny corner of the map that ogres occasionally wander out of."
Your agility might protect you when you piss off a trio of ogres, but it does not protect the skilled metalworker and doctor who were just mortally wounded because of your stupidity.
There is an entire 95% of the map that remains ogre free with abundant wildlife year round. Go shoot at honey-badgers or some shit.
Sincerely,
Thepersontiredofcleaningyourmess.
Post by: McDonald on March 25, 2013, 10:27:28 am
Dear Mountainhomes,
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!
Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors
Then see this awesome thread: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.0
Post by: MrSparky on March 25, 2013, 11:36:37 am
That's actually one of the things Axehonors was founded to work on. I just can't get that started until the fort is stable.Dear Mountainhomes,
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!
Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors
Then see this awesome thread: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.0
Post by: ElenaRoan on March 26, 2013, 03:11:04 am
"Part of the cavern has collapsed" seriously? How did you manage that? You were channeling down into solid rock for that very reason and somehow you still managed it. Lucky for you we had a medical dwarf.
- baffled
Post by: filipmolnar on March 26, 2013, 03:16:31 am
stop hitting that dinosaur with your bone crossbow, get some ammo and shoot it dead. It is confined, it can't escape and will be there for your pleasure after you return. Also, if you get thirsty, take a break and drink something, let your buddies take care of things.
Post by: ElenaRoan on March 27, 2013, 06:36:22 am
I get that you don't like not having trousers or shoes, though why you showed up without them is beyond me, that's why I ordered trousers and shoes made for everyone in your migration wave. Now stop standing around being embarrassed by it and throwing a tantrum and go grab a pair of each and stop running around with only your shirt on.
Post by: roughedge on March 28, 2013, 05:06:57 pm
I hope you enjoy having all ur beloveds getting their chances in the arena.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on March 29, 2013, 01:50:32 pm
Your uniform is bronze and copper armor. That steel you're wearing is for the halberd squad, not you. See, you're the dumbass who insists on wielding two bronze cleavers rather than an adamantine cleaver and a shield. Now you insist on wearing one of the only five suits of steel armor, forged for the dwarves who can't use a shield because they're holding hugeass steel axes.
That steel was hard to scrape together, now get your dirty buttcheeks out of it and follow your dresscode.
Sincerely, Dah Annoyed Ovuhseeyah of Axehole
Post by: ☼!!Troll Fur Sock!!☼ on March 29, 2013, 02:03:35 pm
Stahp. That zombie did nothing to you. Stahp chasing him. Stahp.
Post by: ramensoup on March 30, 2013, 08:18:22 am
I know you guys are new and everything but seriously, there are goblins outside the compound. Can you please shoot them instead of the harmless keas flying around not doing anything? They can't get in and they can't steal anything at the moment. It would be advantageous to both you and the fortress as a whole if you were to divert your arrows to the goblin menace and not the local wildlife.
Sincerely, Ramen.
---
Dear All Marksdwarves, Present and Future alike,
Guys, you are really disappointing me. There is a huge spider Titan spewing webs at you and your comrades, don't focus on the goddamn Keas. Focus on the fucking huge spider, crawling towards you, revving his web slingers. Oh wait, nevermind, that was the last of you. You incompetence has angered me, now, your friends, family and pets will be killed by the spider, had you not been so stupid, you and your sons would be alive.
Ramen.
Post by: roughedge on March 30, 2013, 10:28:30 am
I understand that marine life fascinates you and you really need shells to forge that mighty artifacts uve been dreaming through your booze filled dreams, but we live in a DESERT, try some camel leather instead. Also can you please contact the fisherman guild who sent you here and tell them to stop sending in all your useless friends.
Sincerely yours, your Pharaoh Urist McGilla
Post by: Akura on March 30, 2013, 11:15:47 am
Dear Rookie Marksdwarves,Dear Ramen,
I know you guys are new and everything but seriously, there are goblins outside the compound. Can you please shoot them instead of the harmless keas flying around not doing anything? They can't get in and they can't steal anything at the moment. It would be advantageous to both you and the fortress as a whole if you were to divert your arrows to the goblin menace and not the local wildlife.
Sincerely, Ramen.
---
Dear All Marksdwarves, Present and Future alike,
Guys, you are really disappointing me. There is a huge spider Titan spewing webs at you and your comrades, don't focus on the goddamn Keas. Focus on the fucking huge spider, crawling towards you, revving his web slingers. Oh wait, nevermind, that was the last of you. You incompetence has angered me, now, your friends, family and pets will be killed by the spider, had you not been so stupid, you and your sons would be alive.
Ramen.
Do you not know the grave threat of the mighty kea? How they swoop down on high, and steal our precious socks? Or how the giant ones swoop down and steal the socks(and entire rest of the leg) from our children? And you want us to fight some petty goblins?! No! We'll block out the(vile, vile) sun with our bolts to bring these bastards down!
Sincerely, the Marksdwarves.
Post by: Greiger on March 30, 2013, 11:21:21 am
I admit that I did not expect our local river to flood every year when I designed your fishing spot. I actually expected it to freeze, but it seems only half of the embark freezes in winter, just enough to block the outflow of the waterfall. Be assured that that design flaw is already being corrected.
But the highest the water level ever got in your fishing cubby is 2/7. That does not excuse your apparent panicked dive into the river and attempt to swim to the cistern inlet. The hatch back into the fortress was unlocked, and 1 tile away from you. If it wasn't for the possibility of a ghost I would love to have the odd taste in the well water be all the memorial you get.
-------------
Dear River Carp.
Your deaths as the river water level instantly dropped a whole z level as the end of the river thawed were amusing. Please continue to strive to swim up the waterfall every winter. It's fun seeing the reports of you falling to your deaths.
The Administration
Post by: Akura on March 30, 2013, 11:32:35 am
Remind me when I post in the wrong thread, dammit.
Signed, Overseer.
Post by: Dunkelzahn on March 30, 2013, 10:02:50 pm
the elves got away before you put those gears in-place, what took you so long?
Post by: PDF urist master on March 31, 2013, 07:54:29 am
Post by: Greenalien on March 31, 2013, 09:07:50 am
I am so glad to have you all. Well not all of you. Some of you are bleeding useless bastards, four of you are masons but there's rarely even one of you working on making those doors and tables and chairs you need, while you complain all the time about how the mess hall is too full of other dwarves. Speaking of which, since there's too many of you, and so many of you are completely useless, and you take up living space for others, why don't you go away? Why do you keep bringing in distant relatives and inviting immigrants and why do you keep popping off babies on the bare floor just like that, while you're at work? It's awful, do you have no soul? What is wrong with you people? Swear to gods, sometimes I wish the forgotten monster from the deep down cavern (from which we're separated by a thin wooden door, since you can't be bothered to put up that wall we need) would just come up and end our collective dwarven misery.
Yours talkatively,
Overseer.
Post by: Lida_Brainbroken on March 31, 2013, 11:20:34 am
Dear Fortress friends,
I am so glad to have you all. Well not all of you. Some of you are bleeding useless bastards, four of you are masons but there's rarely even one of you working on making those doors and tables and chairs you need, while you complain all the time about how the mess hall is too full of other dwarves. Speaking of which, since there's too many of you, and so many of you are completely useless, and you take up living space for others, why don't you go away? Why do you keep bringing in distant relatives and inviting immigrants and why do you keep popping off babies on the bare floor just like that, while you're at work? It's awful, do you have no soul? What is wrong with you people? Swear to gods, sometimes I wish the forgotten monster from the deep down cavern (from which we're separated by a thin wooden door, since you can't be bothered to put up that wall we need) would just come up and end our collective dwarven misery.
Yours talkatively,
Overseer.
Why not just enable masonry on some of your cheesemakers and fish disecters?
Post by: Greenalien on March 31, 2013, 12:55:37 pm
Dear Fortress friends,
I am so glad to have you all. Well not all of you. Some of you are bleeding useless bastards, four of you are masons but there's rarely even one of you working on making those doors and tables and chairs you need, while you complain all the time about how the mess hall is too full of other dwarves. Speaking of which, since there's too many of you, and so many of you are completely useless, and you take up living space for others, why don't you go away? Why do you keep bringing in distant relatives and inviting immigrants and why do you keep popping off babies on the bare floor just like that, while you're at work? It's awful, do you have no soul? What is wrong with you people? Swear to gods, sometimes I wish the forgotten monster from the deep down cavern (from which we're separated by a thin wooden door, since you can't be bothered to put up that wall we need) would just come up and end our collective dwarven misery.
Yours talkatively,
Overseer.
Why not just enable masonry on some of your cheesemakers and fish disecters?
Yup, done that.
Post by: Eric Blank on March 31, 2013, 03:56:46 pm
Due to the condition of your being, we are sad to say that you will not be allowed to mingle with the other dwarves on account of your time of the month coming around and causing you to both menstruate and transform into a hideous monster that likes to tear peoples' heads off. You will be fully compensated with a personal villa with access to great clothing stocks and many of your favorite materials, possessions and pets. We ask only that you dont go completely bonkers before it's all set up and also refrain from murdering anyone. We sincerely respect your heroic deeds and will honor your wishes as we are able.
Sincerely, your terrified compatriots in the hole next door.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 31, 2013, 04:55:55 pm
Post by: tahujdt on April 02, 2013, 10:32:00 am
Please realize that when you have 10 power-armored soldiers with gunner cutie marks and assault rifles shooting you, you are supposed to die already. You scared away the traders, but I managed to immobilize you. Now please, die already.
Sincerely, the Over
Post by: Jenniretta on April 02, 2013, 08:57:22 pm
When I tell you "Station here." I mean STAY THE F--- THERE. I do NOT mean "Charge single-file into 40 goblins to die one at a time!"
Oh, and Urist McRandomCivvy,
When you see a goblin, or a zombie, or a zombie goblin, or whatever other thing wants to kill you, run TOWARDS the front gate, not AWAY from it!
Sincerely,
Your eternally frustrated overlord.
Post by: weenog on April 02, 2013, 09:12:05 pm
I can't help it. My sense of duty, my combat training, and my love of my homeland all point to only one solution: engage any and all enemies until they're dead or I am. If I see them, they're going down. Sorry.
Sincerely, Urist McMeatShield
---
If a soldier gets line of sight to an enemy, they will engage, and they won't stop until it's over. If you want to station a soldier somewhere and not have him charge into the fray, you have two options. You can put him somewhere his line of sight to the enemy is blocked (behind a short wall, perhaps). Or you can have him blinded so he doesn't have line of sight to anything, ever.
Post by: Mr Space Cat on April 02, 2013, 10:42:20 pm
Must be a dwarf's natural habitat, being on that wrong side of the wall.
Simple ASCII example diagram:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on April 03, 2013, 07:36:32 am
From: The little voice in your head
RE: Recent developments
I can appreciate that you are a civilian, and that therefore your delicate constitution tends towards blind, gibbering terror when faced with anything larger than your fist that isn't wearing a collar and asking for tummy rubs.
That said, I am also aware of your propensity to run in blind terror from such harmless things as a sponge set up as target practice in the ass-end of the fortress. That's why I set it out in the ass-end of the fortress, eighty tiles away and five floors below your designated burrow.
However, up until now I was utterly clueless as to your mysterious proficiency, unrevealed in Therapist, with thrown objects. Congratulations on crushing the invading dragon's skull with a thrown sock, lucky shot or not you did what five squads of Marksdwarves, three Grand Master Axedwarves, and a Legendary Macedwarf all failed to do (and, in dying in the process, ended our military attempting). You terrify me beyond reason, and will receive a promotion and double-standard barrack once I get the time to excavate something for you.
PS - In saving our fortress from !!FUN!!, you have earned yourself a level in Founders' Tower. We will begin the obsidian farming for your level immediately. Congratulations on being the first dwarf in forty-eight years to earn such an honor.
Post by: Gentlefish on April 03, 2013, 01:57:34 pm
To: Kor Batteredkings the Death of Tyranny, civilian mason
From: The little voice in your head
RE: Recent developments
I can appreciate that you are a civilian, and that therefore your delicate constitution tends towards blind, gibbering terror when faced with anything larger than your fist that isn't wearing a collar and asking for tummy rubs.
That said, I am also aware of your propensity to run in blind terror from such harmless things as a sponge set up as target practice in the ass-end of the fortress. That's why I set it out in the ass-end of the fortress, eighty tiles away and five floors below your designated burrow.
However, up until now I was utterly clueless as to your mysterious proficiency, unrevealed in Therapist, with thrown objects. Congratulations on crushing the invading dragon's skull with a thrown sock, lucky shot or not you did what five squads of Marksdwarves, three Grand Master Axedwarves, and a Legendary Macedwarf all failed to do (and, in dying in the process, ended our military attempting). You terrify me beyond reason, and will receive a promotion and double-standard barrack once I get the time to excavate something for you.
PS - In saving our fortress from !!FUN!!, you have earned yourself a level in Founders' Tower. We will begin the obsidian farming for your level immediately. Congratulations on being the first dwarf in forty-eight years to earn such an honor.
Story time. I'll write this up sometime tomorrow hopefully.
Post by: MrSparky on April 03, 2013, 04:23:38 pm
We don't have a metal industry set up yet so I'm fine with you fishing in your free time. Truth be told we can use the extra food. However I would prefer you fish somewhere other than the expanded murky pool we use to feed the hospital well. What really gets me is that you chose to fish from the base of the pump, the only tile on that side of the pool where I didn't order a wall built. You almost spent the rest of your life living on a single tile above ground surviving off of raw fish and stagnant water.
Sincerely,
The One Who Tells You Things
Post by: Lielac on April 03, 2013, 07:35:28 pm
Thank you for the entertainment when you drop off the waterfall and slam into the floor grates I installed for the safety of my dwarves. Your unpleasant deaths result in much amusement for me, even if you do surprise my dwarves and interrupt them while eating.
Sincerely,
Overseer Lielac of Lanceanvil
Post by: Jenniretta on April 03, 2013, 08:48:59 pm
Dear Overlord,
I can't help it. My sense of duty, my combat training, and my love of my homeland all point to only one solution: engage any and all enemies until they're dead or I am. If I see them, they're going down. Sorry.
Sincerely, Urist McMeatShield
---
If a soldier gets line of sight to an enemy, they will engage, and they won't stop until it's over. If you want to station a soldier somewhere and not have him charge into the fray, you have two options. You can put him somewhere his line of sight to the enemy is blocked (behind a short wall, perhaps). Or you can have him blinded so he doesn't have line of sight to anything, ever.
Yeah, I haven't played with the military too much since 40d, normally in the newer versions I've had traps to deal with invaders and my military was basically just clean-up. This was my first time since "stay close to station" was removed actually having a fair fight against 40ish goblins. I did not realize that nowadays a station becomes completely irrelevant once they see a goblin or a troll.
Post by: weenog on April 03, 2013, 11:08:00 pm
Yeah, I haven't played with the military too much since 40d, normally in the newer versions I've had traps to deal with invaders and my military was basically just clean-up. This was my first time since "stay close to station" was removed actually having a fair fight against 40ish goblins. I did not realize that nowadays a station becomes completely irrelevant once they see a goblin or a troll.
I'm seriously considering reshaping all my fortress entrances and exits as P-traps to prevent premature charging and render enemy archers mostly harmless.
Post by: Jenniretta on April 03, 2013, 11:28:47 pm
Yeah, I haven't played with the military too much since 40d, normally in the newer versions I've had traps to deal with invaders and my military was basically just clean-up. This was my first time since "stay close to station" was removed actually having a fair fight against 40ish goblins. I did not realize that nowadays a station becomes completely irrelevant once they see a goblin or a troll.
I'm seriously considering reshaping all my fortress entrances and exits as P-traps to prevent premature charging and render enemy archers mostly harmless.
Yeah, I think I'm going to add a wall between the doors and station, to cut off line of sight, as a work-around.
Back on topic:
Dear Urist McBeeKeeper,
I set the "stay inside" alert, and restricted all civilians to that burrow. that includes you and you know it. Stop stepping two tiles outside the burrow looking for beehives, realising you can't go there, and taking the exact same job again, and repeating your little burrow dance. I know dances like this are in your blood - throughout dwarf history, when the overlord says "stay inside" everyone has danced in the doorway - but burrows are supposed to limit what jobs you'll accept, so why are you choosing the bees outside to populate your hive? we have hives inside the burrow ready to split, and you have all your hauling, cleaning, and food/drink delivery labours enables. there is plenty of stuff for you to do inside the safety of the burrow.
Sincerely,
Your migraine-afflicted overlord.
Post by: Greiger on April 04, 2013, 12:03:44 pm
That was a very good shot. However 'Fire at will' Does not mean fire at our own soldiers that are out in the field. Fortunately no-one was severely injured, but you are on notice mister.
To Swordsman
Holy crap, are you some kind of ninja? Batting a ballista arrow out of the air 4 times in a second? What did you do play haci sack with it?
The administration
Post by: Eric Blank on April 04, 2013, 12:11:22 pm
Just be lucky your siege operator's daughter wasn't standing in front of the ballista when they fired it. Always a hell of a mess when kids get disemboweled by large, flying objects.
Sincerely; the dwarven council of poor advice.
Post by: Broseph Stalin on April 04, 2013, 08:21:11 pm
Grabbing someones ass and refusing to let go is not sparring it is however sexual harassment. Stop it.
-H.R.
Post by: Nixonitus on April 04, 2013, 11:40:43 pm
I cannot help but notice that the past few migrant waves have been almost 80% children.
I can only assume that this is due to some kind of overpopulation back home.
I would like you to know that we are doing our best to stem this population somewhat.
Fortunately, since very few of them seem to have been sent with their parents, this is very easy. The only downside being that we lose use of our rather nice dining hall the tykes seem so taken with...
In any case; We are attempting some experimentation at child-catapults, so as to make this quantifiable recourse most useful. We will keep you posted on this development.
~Urst McChildbeater.
PS: Don't send parents. They get mad, and the last one tore my Legendary Engraver's arm off. And then beat people with it.
Post by: laxori666 on April 05, 2013, 08:29:02 am
Please calm down! I understand you're upset that our mayor closed the gates before your spouse could safely make it inside, away from the Goblin Lashers. We all observed the tantrum you threw. Please understand that dwarven mental constitution is very fragile and that if you keep this temperament up you will likely go insane! I recommend spending 95% of your time in our legendary dining room to boost your mood.
Urist McPsychologist
---
Dear Avuz,
Yes, I know your son was also lost to the lashers. Your consecutive tantrums have not gone unnoticed. I'm prescribing you an ultra high dose of hanging out in our legendary meeting area surrounded by golden statues of our brave dwarfs' exploits. Please take this advice.
Urist McPsychologist
---
Dear Avuz,
You're on the brink of insanity, good dwarf! Please take my advice and go observe a brilliant artifact or something!
Urist McPsychologist
---
Today, we are here to mourn the loss of Avuz McDwarf, went insane from losing his family and was promptly cut down and bashed in his face by our noble militia squad, The Lonely Wheels, on the 6th-level corridor...
Post by: Urist Mc Dwarf on April 05, 2013, 03:58:31 pm
Post by: cattouchdis on April 05, 2013, 10:53:06 pm
Why is it that I have had many things designated for dumping for several seasons and you do nothing yet when I see the cat bring something in and I have to designate it to be dumped you immediately jump to bringing it to the dump?
Also, Urists McMasons
Please don't build a few walls and bits and pieces of the floor and then go off and do whatever, I want those so I can feel as if the place looks good, and having the dirt with the random piece of floor every once and a while does not look pleasing to the eye and I can only imagine what the traders think of us.
Sincerely,
The One Who Controls The Fort
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on April 06, 2013, 06:42:29 am
Dear Urists McEveryoneWithHaulingTurnedOn
Why is it that I have had many things designated for dumping for several seasons and you do nothing yet when I see the cat bring something in and I have to designate it to be dumped you immediately jump to bringing it to the dump?
Also, Urists McMasons
Please don't build a few walls and bits and pieces of the floor and then go off and do whatever, I want those so I can feel as if the place looks good, and having the dirt with the random piece of floor every once and a while does not look pleasing to the eye and I can only imagine what the traders think of us.
Sincerely,
The One Who Controls The Fort
Dear Little Voice in our Heads,
We're not the only ones that can slap down some stones and a bit of mortar, you know. Turn on Masonry and Stone Detailing for everyone in the fort, the fact that it takes everyone but us three times longer to build a floor will be made up for by there being ten times as many people building.
Yours,
The Masons.
Post by: Greiger on April 06, 2013, 02:41:42 pm
You kicked (ok technically they dodged your kick and jumped in but I don't judge) 3 Orc lashers into the local volcano. Singlehandedly, while loaded down with logs and a Giant Jaguar cage on your back. You have officially gained the 'Dwarven' title. Would you like to join our fortress?
We have greens.
-The Administration
Post by: Urist Mc Dwarf on April 06, 2013, 06:06:12 pm
dear urist mcweaponsmith
...rosegold? really man? you were SURROUNDED by steel, silver, iron, pig iron and copper, and what you chose, was rose gold.
now, im not saying that im not happy with the rose gold mace you made...even though we dont currently have a macedwarf in the fort, but really man? you couldnt have picked a better metal?
now before you start making excuses that a demon or ghost possessed you, i call bullshit, i think your just trying to screw with the first macedwarf we get by making me equip him with a pretty purple mace
signed
mildly annoyed oversear.
I think gold is want, the 4th best metal for blunt weapons?
Post by: Eric Blank on April 06, 2013, 06:22:52 pm
Post by: Broseph Stalin on April 06, 2013, 08:03:26 pm
Throwing someone off the roof isn't sparring. You've sent two sparring partners to the hospital. Stop throwing people off the roof.
Post by: Remuthra on April 06, 2013, 08:06:57 pm
Why are you sending everyone to go sparring on the roof, and for that matter, near the edge of the roof? All we want is a nice walled barracks where we don't get thrown off ledges.
Yours Truly,
Urist McSparringPartner
Post by: DwarfOfTheLand on April 06, 2013, 08:23:58 pm
Please, PLEASE PRIORITIZE YOUR SHIT. I mean, sure! Go ahead and haul everything and NOT build the god dang drawbridge! It's not like there is a goblin siege approaching from the West or anything!
Sin-fucking-cerely,
Me.
PS: Nevermind, it's too late.
Post by: Jenniretta on April 06, 2013, 08:39:09 pm
Dear Dwarves,
Please, PLEASE PRIORITIZE YOUR SHIT. I mean, sure! Go ahead and haul everything and NOT build the god dang drawbridge! It's not like there is a goblin siege approaching from the West or anything!
Sin-fucking-cerely,
Me.
PS: Nevermind, it's too late.
Dear Me,
If it's that important, you could always tell us not to haul things.
Sincerely,
The masons and Architects.
Post by: hiroshi42 on April 07, 2013, 02:25:07 am
Back on topic:
Dear Urist McBeeKeeper,
I set the "stay inside" alert, and restricted all civilians to that burrow. that includes you and you know it. Stop stepping two tiles outside the burrow looking for beehives, realising you can't go there, and taking the exact same job again, and repeating your little burrow dance. I know dances like this are in your blood - throughout dwarf history, when the overlord says "stay inside" everyone has danced in the doorway - but burrows are supposed to limit what jobs you'll accept, so why are you choosing the bees outside to populate your hive? we have hives inside the burrow ready to split, and you have all your hauling, cleaning, and food/drink delivery labours enables. there is plenty of stuff for you to do inside the safety of the burrow.
Sincerely,
Your migraine-afflicted overlord.
Better late than never: Beekeeping is weird, the hives control where the collect colony job points to and it does not seem to get reset upon job cancellation, so it will try to send out your dwarves to the location it has chosen no mater what. This is why you need to wait until completion of one hive before building another, if two hives point towards the same colony or the job is interrupted and the queen is not installed you wind up with beekeepers starving in the middle of a field. Probably too late to help with your current problems but something to keep in mind in the future.
And now on with the show.
Dear Urist McMedic.
If we have never spoken before it is because I had believed that the verbal abuse you garner from other sources would provide enough motivation to do your damned job. You have, despite a decent apartment, adequate food and beverage and all the time in the world, failed to even look at Urist McBrokenLeg who acquired his injuries in a
Post by: Vyro on April 07, 2013, 04:10:36 am
How the hell did you manage to park on a 5 square cliff and break the wagon in the process? Why is molten rock everywhere, I don't remember any volcanoes in the vicinity? ...Is that... Slade? What? Why? How did you guys manage to literally EMBARK IN HELL at level -34? Surely I wanted a challenge by picking an Evil Aquifer biome, but still, the whole landscape was 1ns and 2s, which is a PLANE... and FPS kinda died to 0 right off the bat, dooming any further hopes of this fort. I assumed nothing can surprise me in DF anymore, but your dwarfiness was awesome. Thank you for making me remember that AC/DC song all over again.
On a side note. Dear Undead Fun, where are you? It's, like, my 10th embark in a terrifyingly inhospitable biome already, and all I've ever seen so far was some pansy rain. Come on! This is supposed to be a challenge! Daring settlers braving the unspoken horrors and stuff like that. This rain will not even kill anyone! Even the donkey that starved to death while I was messing around with double aquifer did not get up and try to kill us! This is supposed to be Terrifying, not Sinister. Like my last Evil fort, where 30 desperate survivors of the Third Great Disaster (which claimed the lives of around 80 dwarves) were bent on completing the Doomsday Device and engulfing the surface in Armok's lifeblood, spelling total annihilation to everything there. Which we failed after the fourth disaster and were forced to evacuate at population of 8, the Commander leading the way with over 2k kills on her warhammer. But that's another story. Give me my FUN!
Post by: Jenniretta on April 07, 2013, 07:01:10 am
Better late than never: Beekeeping is weird, the hives control where the collect colony job points to and it does not seem to get reset upon job cancellation, so it will try to send out your dwarves to the location it has chosen no mater what. This is why you need to wait until completion of one hive before building another, if two hives point towards the same colony or the job is interrupted and the queen is not installed you wind up with beekeepers starving in the middle of a field. Probably too late to help with your current problems but something to keep in mind in the future.
Nah it's not too late, I just deconstructed them all and rebuilt the hives, (except the seed hives, the ones I had bees in but not set to be harvested) and it cleared up the mess (for the moment). Just annoying, is all.
Post by: lazygun on April 07, 2013, 07:06:51 am
Your job is to hunt food for the fortress. NOT: to pepper a random bobcat with sub-lethal bolts, complain about lack of ammo, refill quiver, pepper a DIFFERENT bobcat with bolts, complain of lack of ammo and then decide you're in just the right spot for a nap.
I don't know... I just don't know...
Your baffled overseer.
Post by: Urist Mc Dwarf on April 10, 2013, 06:08:43 pm
first, i'd like to commend you on your great sneaking skill. Second, what was the idea behind stabbing the child you kidnapped? third, how did your left kidney and spleen end up three tiles away from anything else?
Dear millitia,
How did that goblin get past you and kill our third legendary bonecarver's child? You almost made it up to me when you tore him apart. Who threw his right foot five tiles down the hall?
Dear bonecarver,
You get therapy.
Dear Urist McChildmaker,
Why did you run away from the fort. I mean, i konw giving birth just as you got onto the map then having a near immediate goblin ambush can be stressful, but really?
You got three babies killed and two others wounded by that.
Enjoy your small room.
Sincerely,
Ovelord Armok.
Post by: EBannion on April 10, 2013, 11:20:32 pm
I know that you really like your job, and that stitching up our injured warriors is your job. I understand that you really need to make sure that they heal and survive.
Don't you think that closing five separate wounds on one dwarf with candyfloss thread is a little overboard, though?
Dear Head Mason,
I greatly appreciate the fact that half of the statues you've made are of Bronzebanners' longest serving administrator.
She might be a little less pleased that half of those are of her cowering in terror, surrounded by huge roaches.
Dear Goblin Invaders,
I understand that you had to walk a long way to get here. I know that the defenders of Bronzebanners have killed many, many of your friends. I even sympathize with your jealousy of their wealth and happiness.
Did you really have to knock over every single statue along the road into the fortress on your way to get slaughtered like all of your other ugly, stupid bretheren?
Post by: thefish1992 on April 11, 2013, 01:36:13 pm
the doctor has given you the all clear, you status screen shows no wounds, you have your own bed room, get the hell out of the hospital you lazy bum and back to work! you have no reason to be their, i even had the bed you were on deconstructed, but you went back in with no injuries. why? Stone crafting is a fairly easy to replace skill in this fortress friend, and if you don't start doing your job, my hand might slip on the atom smasher, get it?
Sincerely
Thefish
Post by: hiroshi42 on April 11, 2013, 03:20:22 pm
Re: Flying mounts
Dear inanimate force,
It has come to my attention that you were conspicuously absent during my last siege where we entertained war elephants riding Giant Thrips. A post battle analysis indicates that the armor worn by our adversaries alone massed over twice that of any Thrips and that the elephants weighed in at another 3x. Why did you allow the blasted pachyderms to fly? For that matter why were the giant chinchilla mounts not wedged between elephant buttcheaks? The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from your apparent absence in this case is that you are conspiring against this fortress. We shall not let this act of aggression stand, our leading sciencedwarfs have already begun researching how to fire ballista bolts at right angles to reality.
Post by: tahujdt on April 11, 2013, 04:23:28 pm
To: PhysicsProps for THHGTTG reference.
Re: Flying mounts
Dear inanimate force,
It has come to my attention that you were conspicuously absent during my last siege where we entertained war elephants riding Giant Thrips. A post battle analysis indicates that the armor worn by our adversaries alone massed over twice that of any Thrips and that the elephants weighed in at another 3x. Why did you allow the blasted pachyderms to fly? For that matter why were the giant chinchilla mounts not wedged between elephant buttcheaks? The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from your apparent absence in this case is that you are conspiring against this fortress. We shall not let this act of aggression stand, our leading sciencedwarfs have already begun researching how to fire ballista bolts at right angles to reality.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 12, 2013, 02:59:27 pm
Post by: Remsly on April 12, 2013, 06:02:34 pm
Next time get to the trade depot before the caravan leaves.
With love,
That little voice in your head.
PS: Next time I'll talk about Elves having sex if you don't respond earlier.
Post by: Andux on April 13, 2013, 12:04:25 am
war elephants
I am now imagining an elephant war memorial, with a large plaque that reads: NEVER FORGET
Post by: hiroshi42 on April 13, 2013, 01:23:17 am
I think the bigger question is why physics has allowed Elephants to have armor and siege your fort anyway. But I'm going to guess you only have yourself to blame for that.
Part of fortress defense mod. I only have the War Elephants installed and apparently they are allowed mounts, unless I tinkered with them at some point.
Post by: Akura on April 13, 2013, 07:30:11 am
I believe we have that, only it's called Boatmurdered.war elephants
I am now imagining an elephant war memorial, with a large plaque that reads: NEVER FORGET
Post by: Lielac on April 13, 2013, 10:51:55 am
-cackles-I believe we have that, only it's called Boatmurdered.war elephants
I am now imagining an elephant war memorial, with a large plaque that reads: NEVER FORGET
Post by: MrSparky on April 14, 2013, 02:12:08 pm
Why do you keep shooting the carp? You know damn well you can't retrieve them. Thanks to you we have a river filled with fish carcasses and bolts we can't collect without stopping the flow. I know they're terrifying and the memory of how they used to be haunts your dreams, but when the necromancers come they'll be something even scarier and all your ammo will be in the water.
Post by: Flarp on April 14, 2013, 08:25:01 pm
Yes, I am aware you have hunted most surface wildlife in Gateday to extinction. There are more productive ways to deal with this than loudly shouting you can't find a path to anything to kill until I draft you into the military.
Unrelated Memorandum: All dwarves skilled in handling a crossbow are to report to the central barracks immediately. Having bad thoughts about conscription is grounds for redelegation to the Magma Pump Stack guard.
Post by: Giver99 on April 15, 2013, 10:16:46 am
i know you love the arena fights and i know you want some first hand experience but please was it really necessary to go into the arena to talk to your friend Urist mclegendaryaxedwarf right before the giantess got released to fight?
Post by: Drazinononda on April 15, 2013, 06:11:11 pm
I know that perhaps I am to blame for our problem here; that perhaps I shouldn't have supplied you with a grand hall to dine in and a separate bedroom for each and every dwarf; that the safety of the fortified stone walls and the promise of wondrous growth have enticed you beyond your ability to resist.
That said, I can not accept responsibility for the rampant overpopulation of the fort. I set the population cap, and it was not to be surpassed; yet you spread the word and invited anyone with an ear to come to the fort. You continued to send invitations even once the cap had been passed. We are now running low on booze and two thirds of you are sleeping in a bunkhouse across from the dining hall.
While you wait -- quite patiently, mind you -- for the expansion to catch up with the population growth, please refrain from spreading undue rumors of the wealth and grandiose of the fort.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 15, 2013, 08:02:51 pm
Dear Titan,I cause people to vomit and it's quite ugly. What?
Why you are called Usasp Strapsfrothed "the Ugly Vomit"? It doesn't look good in my military kill list.
Signed
ROTFLing Overseer
Sincerely,
Usasp.
Quote
Dear Swordmaster,They're calling me WHAT?
After killing fivenoblesinvaders, you earned a title. But why did you call yourself "the Thruthful Finder of Forks"? At least you didn't call yourself the Ugly Vomit...
Signed
Confused Overseer
Sincerely,
Swordmaster.
P.S. Five invaders and finding cutlery is the most notable thing the fortress can think of me?
Quote
(PS. Just signed up to post it! Hello everyone :)))Welcome!
On a side note. Dear Undead Fun, where are you?...Not all evil biomes are alike. Some raise the dead and make husks, and some rain blood and house knuckle worms.
Post by: Reudh on April 16, 2013, 01:46:59 am
On a side note. Dear Undead Fun, where are you?...Not all evil biomes are alike. Some raise the dead and make husks, and some rain blood and house knuckle worms.
Or in my lone successful one, with roving instadeath ash.
Post by: Splint on April 16, 2013, 03:55:43 am
Spearbreakers' evil biome was indeed a humorous disappointment.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on April 16, 2013, 04:55:24 am
Or rain blood and are menaced by... Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.Didn't we lose like three militiants to capybara?
Spearbreakers' evil biome was indeed a humorous disappointment.
Post by: gbrngfol on April 17, 2013, 10:09:26 pm
Or rain blood and are menaced by... Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.Didn't we lose like three militiants to capybara?
Spearbreakers' evil biome was indeed a humorous disappointment.
yeah , capybara are actually quite tough. So far they've killed one guard dog and injured the other. Also, they've stolen about 50% of my bolts. (They do this by getting shot, then wondering off the map.)
Post by: EBannion on April 17, 2013, 10:24:42 pm
Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.
Capybaras swimming in weasels?
:o
Post by: Safe-Keeper on April 18, 2013, 08:26:10 am
All dwarves in Gleebell
Dear everyone,
When beak dogs attack and the drawbridge is up, I will get right on lowering it so you can get in. Just stand right outside and wait. Do not go to sleep right outside the drawbridge. They will eat you.
Sincerely,
Safe-Keeper
Post by: Mura on April 18, 2013, 09:51:06 am
From: Your Overseer
Yes, I am grateful for your saving the fortress from slavers on countless occasions. Yeah, it's great that you have a pages-long kill list. I acknowledge that you are basically god with a chainsword.
However, isn't parrying bullets taking it a bit too far?
Post by: EBannion on April 18, 2013, 10:23:42 am
To: Cloud Blazepearls Assaultportent, legendary swordspony
From: Your Overseer
Yes, I am grateful for your saving the fortress from slavers on countless occasions. Yeah, it's great that you have a pages-long kill list. I acknowledge that you are basically god with a chainsword.
However, isn't parrying bullets taking it a bit too far?
You mean I can dodge bullets?
No. I'm telling you that when you're ready, you wo'n't need to.
Post by: jaxler on April 18, 2013, 11:40:51 am
Dear mountain homes. STAPH.SENDING.FISHER.DORFS.NAO.
We're in the middle of a bloody desert, there isn't a single murky pool for miles. Send something useful next time, I've already drafter the last 20 fishers into the army, I don't need any more recruits.
Post by: EBannion on April 18, 2013, 12:48:12 pm
STAPH.
Boring staph, or MRSA?
Post by: Jenniretta on April 18, 2013, 02:08:15 pm
I know i've said this before but...
Dear mountain homes. STAPH.SENDING.FISHER.DORFS.NAO.
We're in the middle of a bloody desert, there isn't a single murky pool for miles. Send something useful next time, I've already drafter the last 20 fishers into the army, I don't need any more recruits.
I set my excess fisherdwarves to useful tasks - smoothing the walls and floors, making blocks, manning the furnaces, tanning hides, weaving cloth from thread, cutting trees, etc. I've gotten about 35 of them from the mountainhome, some of them are now reaching the ranks of legendary engravers and masons, and have long since forgotten their love of fishing.
Post by: ParadoxicalGallifreyan on April 18, 2013, 02:20:37 pm
Dude, seriously? We have LOADS of masterwork leather and cloth trousers in the stockpile, and you sit around being unhappy at your indecent exposure. You must be blind. I understand that you're mourning the loss of your wife and babychild, but you're not stark raving mad, so for Armok's sake PLEASE put on some pants. You're weirding the rest of us out here.
Sincerely,
The Population of Ironfate
Dear Urist McMayor,
Please. You have an artifact table made of gems, masterwork gem windows, your own personal statue garden, not one but TWO lay pewter chests as mandated, and you still think you're conducting your meetings in a poor setting? I have half a mind to send YOU down by the magma sea with a pick to bring up the adamantine.
Sincerely,
The Overlord
Dear Urist McHaulers and McCraftsdwarves,
That Dwarven Baby's rotten corpse has been lying in the craftsdwarves' workshop for THREE YEARS. That's highly disturbing, you know. Sure, his mom went berserk after being unable to complete her artifact, and her own husband the military commander had to strike her down, but that doesn't mean he has to see his only son's unburied skeleton every time he walks past. BURY THE CHILD ALREADY. There are plenty of coffins in the communal tomb designated for burial.
Sincerely,
The Overlord
Post by: tahujdt on April 18, 2013, 03:43:02 pm
With enough serrated discs, it could happen.Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.
Capybaras swimming in weasels?
:o
Post by: Greiger on April 18, 2013, 06:12:40 pm
Post by: BumbleMead on April 18, 2013, 07:21:52 pm
I realize that the ten of you haven't had a lot to do lately, on account of invaders not wanting to cross the frozen tundra we live in. With that in mind, please kill cavern creatures in a timely manner. I mean geez, you've been punching that Cave Troll for two seasons already. You've been at it so long he's got scars from the beating. You have shiny new silver hammers and steel swords, so please use them.
Dear Urist McBurial Squad
If any of you could possibly consider maybe removing the corpses from the legendary dining hall, that'd be peachy. Preferably before you start tantruming about the miasma again. Only we're just now cleaning up the wreckage of the tantrum spiral started when Ducim Kedasob decided to randomly fling himself into the volcano.
-Sincerly, The Overseer.
PS- Who ever owns the cat that keeps leading Trolls and Cave Dragons into the fort is about to get their very own private cell.
Post by: Olith McHuman on April 18, 2013, 09:12:53 pm
Standing on the bridge that your mother is disassembling is a very bad idea.
Dear Urist McMother,
Disassembling the bridge that YOU are standing on is a terminally stupid idea. But a very very amusing one.
Post by: KroganElite on April 18, 2013, 09:16:21 pm
Please come with a skilled armorsmith or don't bother coming at all.
Thanks!
---
The rage when you have 3x furnace+blacksmith+weaponsmiths and not one armorsmith.
Post by: doublestrafe on April 19, 2013, 02:41:56 am
It is with somewhat subdued pride that I call out the actions of 27th Granite. Your actions were in large part impeccable; when I called you to the field of battle, you dropped everything and answered the summons in force. You completely obliterated the goblin siege with their troll cohorts and voracious cave crawler mounts. Marksdwarves behaved perfectly, hanging back and providing covering fire while the axe and hammerdwarves jammed things through brains with disturbing accuracy. On that day there was not a single dwarven casualty--not even a single injury. I salute your overwhelming skill.
However. I mentioned that you dropped everything. I include in this, and I counted, 131 separate articles of leather clothing, some damaged, some brand new masterwork. You left it exactly where you were when the call to arms came.
In the danger room.
For everybody else to pick up.
Please take a moment to think about this action, and the consequences that ensued. I'm not going to come down on you at this time; you did destroy the siege, and they were just haulers. But really. Think about it.
Thanks,
The Management
Post by: vanatteveldt on April 19, 2013, 07:06:06 am
We had a nice little tight-knit colony of 12 hardworking dwarves about to survive their first winter on the slopes of the vulcano. I had every thought for your safety by deciding to not breach the vulcano from the side, but rather breach it at the caldera and then guide the magma downwards. You were working nicely on creating the 4x4 channel down, going level by level like a good dwarf. How on earth did you manage to create a cave in on the last level, caused both of you to die in sight of the harbor???
At least you were nice enough to leave your picks where I could get them by removing a constructed wall so I could actually assign a new miner to train. I hope he learns from what he sees when he goes in there to collect his pick!
O your wife was not amused, maybe you should have considered that before channeling that tile???
Thanks.
Post by: Calech on April 19, 2013, 08:45:18 am
Dear Urist Migrants,
Please come with a skilled armorsmith or don't bother coming at all.
Thanks!
---
The rage when you have 3x furnace+blacksmith+weaponsmiths and not one armorsmith.
Dear Overseer,
With the efficiency of Dwarven metalworking, it should be feasible to train one up from scratch - simply forge an item of armour with a 100% or greater return rate and then melt down all the products. This will also help train your furnace operators to Legendary status. Just be careful to not melt any masterwork pieces (they can however be sold if they aren't of a useful type) and to choose a dwarf with appropriate preferences in case of moods.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McTrainee, novice Weaponsmith with preferences for adamantine, war hammers, and styrofoam war hammers
Post by: MrSparky on April 23, 2013, 04:43:43 pm
There is a bridge over the river, the bridge is marked high traffic, the riverbed is marked restricted, and the shore at the downstream end is marked low traffic. Stop trying to wade across the river.
Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: PDF urist master on April 23, 2013, 07:55:30 pm
Post by: pisskop on April 25, 2013, 10:08:13 am
I know the worldgen depicted you as a peaceful civilization only engaging in defensive wars. I know you spent the first 150 years of your life without a single attack. I know you got your rther expansive arse stomped in the last 25 years of the worldgen. But why, WHY do you continue to send me all the displaced survivors of the settlements that were crushed? They didnt do any good over at their old fort, and they don't do much good here I have more High master waxworkers and grand master herbalist than I have room for. And when you do send over a semi-useful guy its only because he's a competent weaponsmith. Guess who doesn't have ore yet? Guess who doesn't have enough food to support all
Sincerely, your exasperated overseer.
P.S. Keep sending steel Trinkets.
Post by: pyrAmider on May 03, 2013, 01:52:20 pm
After consideration of the incident of 24 Obsidian, in which 8 Dwarves including 2 children and a baby became intoxicated at the annual Armokmas Party, fell into the well, drowned, and in the process contaminated the fortress hospital's water supply by the decomposition of their inaccessible bodies, the meeting hall license of the Cavern 1 Well is henceforth revoked.
- Fortress Management
Post by: RangerCado on May 03, 2013, 11:43:25 pm
I modded projectiles so that those freaking goblins would hit eachother, not so you could shoot at unconsious crocodiles that my conscripted wrestlers are strangling! seriously! you drowned 2 of our fellow dwarves who were dodging your bolts, and shot a 3rd in the heart! All before granite even ended! The only reason i haven't killed you is that we only have 3 of us left so smartin up or be the first one in the goblin jail!
-From the Overseer
Post by: pisskop on May 04, 2013, 10:42:14 am
You are awesome in many ways:
1) You are an immigrant with a blinky name!
2) appropriately your attributes are at least decent
3) You ran the goblin siege and made it to my fisherdwarf's brookside burrow; thus did not join your friends in death
4) you are a free blinky name
5) Did I mention you blink?
however, your awesome skill is better applied in a more peaceful enviornment . . . just like the rest of this derpy little civ you are ill-suited for combat. Legendary Herbalist? Really? +1, if I'm reading your therapist right.
Stay now that you are here but you shouldn't have come. I see there is a reason you lack analytical ability.
Enjoy your stay,
Lisbash V______, Duke of Warblockades
Post by: Dunamisdeos on May 04, 2013, 04:26:04 pm
We appreciate your foresight in mandating bismuth items be built. It is clear that Urist McLegendaryEngraver starved in prison becuase of his own hubris and laziness. As a token of our appreciation, you have been selected for inclusion in the "Think Tank". Please note that this is the nickname for the enslosure of Fuzzlewumpus, the Brain-Eating Forgotten Beast made of tetrahedrite. Beware his cuddly webs ;D.
With love,
The Overseer
Post by: itisnotlogical on May 04, 2013, 05:17:40 pm
There were plenty of wooden doors in the stockpile not five tiles away from you on the same level. You didn't have to run all the way down to your quickly-flooding workshop to grab the door you had just completed. When you're ordered to block off a flooding area, you don't rush into the flooding area to grab the needed materials.
Urist McNewbOverseer
Post by: MrSparky on May 05, 2013, 05:10:20 pm
Dear Urist McWhoeverplacesdoorswheretheyneedtogo,
There were plenty of wooden doors in the stockpile not five tiles away from you on the same level. You didn't have to run all the way down to your quickly-flooding workshop to grab the door you had just completed. When you're ordered to block off a flooding area, you don't rush into the flooding area to grab the needed materials.
Urist McNewbOverseer
Dear Overseer,
You're the one who told me to use that door. I'm just following orders.
It's useful to forbid items that you don't want used. Not only can we not use forbidden items, you can't tell us to use them.
Sincerely, Urist McDoorInstaller
Post by: Raikaria on May 05, 2013, 10:29:48 pm
Can you please tell me you were actually elected, instead of almost going mad from your lack of quarters? I got no message of your appointment, or knowledge there was even a mayor, until you mandated a lone coffin.
Do you plan to kill someone, by the way, that is a very strange mandate.
Dear Urist Mc Mechanics
Work faster. It shouldn't take you multiple months to build two mechanisms... with multiple mechanics workshops.
Dear Urist Mc Brewers
Why did you stop brewing and almost make the fort die of thirst? Luckily I noticed a massive amount of blinking blue arrows, but please, don't spontaneously stop brewing again. Especially with 500+ plants to brew with and constant pot production.
Post by: Dartje on May 06, 2013, 07:14:14 am
Why do you level up so slow? You've been brewing since the summer of the first year of our fort and now, 2 years later, you are a "Talented Brewer". Have you learned almost nothing in those 2 years?
Dear Urist McCMD,
Just because the buckets contain water DOESN'T mean that there are no more buckets in the fortress to clean the wounded.
Regards,
Me
Post by: MrSparky on May 06, 2013, 10:24:41 am
When I tell you to smooth a level of wall, that means the whole thing. Don't skip a corner here and a couple sides there. I'll just redesignate it and you'll have to walk all the way over there again. Nobody benefits from you doing a half-assed job.
Sincerely, Overseer
Post by: pisskop on May 06, 2013, 04:54:18 pm
You guys have really got to take better care of yourselves. Did you guys know we have no less than three dwarf skeletons in the hills, and two more directly above the main entrance of the fort? seriously, 1 urist up, and its not like you can't reach them . . .
Also if another hospital patient dies of thirst depite there being all them nobles and several 'doctors' ill let the goblins in next time.
but the real kickers are two great macemen who came the same wave. A few years ago they dissapeared during a light goblin siege. just . . . vanished. We never found them, but we know they're dead, because Atir and Alath the ghosts pop up from time to time. Why can't we memorialize them? They're bloody ghosts!
Post by: Vyro on May 07, 2013, 10:55:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Continue your good work, be well, don't stick your nose outside the gates. Just, swing by the Chief medical dwarf during your break, please. I'm pretty sure she'd be quite interested to hear how dogs can laugh. As a matter of fact, I myself would be too.
Post by: fricy on May 08, 2013, 05:23:29 am
Why the HELL do you insist in going to the prison stockpiles for a drink, especially when you have a much closer and bigger booze only stockpile right next to THE F.ING STAIRS? I even told you that the prison is a restricted area, and explained to all of you that the one next to dining room is the one to be used for drinking. If you insist, I'm more then happy to let you say for extended periods in the dungeons, but right now I'd prefer you all went back to WORK lazy idiots.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Overseer.
Post by: Drecon on May 08, 2013, 05:36:28 am
Dear McAlcoholists!
Why the HELL do you insist in going to the prison stockpiles for a drink, especially when you have a much closer and bigger booze only stockpile right next to THE F.ING STAIRS? I even told you that the prison is a restricted area, and explained to all of you that the one next to dining room is the one to be used for drinking. If you insist, I'm more then happy to let you say for extended periods in the dungeons, but right now I'd prefer you all went back to WORK lazy idiots.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Overseer.
They probably come from one or more floors up and the booze stockpiles in the prisons might be closer, if you just ignore those pesky floors.
Related to that:
Dear Urist McPather,
Why do you insist that the shortest route to anything is through roofs and floors, even if the shortest path is through a stairway that is significantly farther off? I set up a perfectly acceptable stone stockpile next to the masons, all regular, non-flux stones. No problem. The stones one floor up and down are actually farther away... trust me.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: Larix on May 08, 2013, 05:48:56 am
maybe you could just tell us to take rocks only from that stockpile if it matters to you? A simple 'g'ive command by the stockpile to the workshop would do the trick. We'd even oblige and ignore the incessant beeping of our stone radar that keeps telling us the gabbro boulder three levels up (and a hundred and twenty move away) is physically closer.
(Once my fortresses expand, i always set up workshops with linked stockpiles for stone jobs; dwarven pathing picks the 'closest' applicable job item to the dwarf at the time of taking the job - annoying in the case you outlined, downrigh desastrous when Urist Mc Forgemaster takes a 'smelt magnetite' job at the forges down by the magma sea while she herself is up at the surface and close to the single freshly mined magnetite boulder in the iron mine.)
Post by: fricy on May 08, 2013, 06:02:23 am
They probably come from one or more floors up and the booze stockpiles in the prisons might be closer, if you just ignore those pesky floors.
Hmm, maybe you are right, but then that IS the single biggest bug in DF right now. And I know a lot of them...
In this particular case: the prison is 30-40 tiles away from the stairs, restricted movement, and there is NOTHING below it for 10-12 levels. Not even corridors, just undug stone. So: 10-12 levels below that prison I do have the main living area/panic room: 5z deep block with food stockpile at the bottom level so it can be sealed from the rest of the fort in case of emergency.
Next to the prison I have the barracks, and above it the pits, so traffic is pretty scarce there. Down 1 level and 20 tiles to the west is the entrance, and below that the food preparation area and the main food stockpiles. My military won't go tot the prison, but I always get 6-8 dwarfs drinking there, and only 1-2 in the main booze stockpile of this level - right next to the stairs...
So yeah, it's frustrating.
Post by: Eric Blank on May 08, 2013, 06:31:22 am
Post by: fricy on May 08, 2013, 06:51:51 am
Maybe dwarves are pathing to the most recently placed booze stockpiles for their booze? Have you tried designating a new one nearer the fortress which takes from your original?
Thx for the tip, I'll look into it to see if it solves this particular problem.
I have my doubts though, because the stockpile with the most traffic is the first one I built at the main food area which have prepared and raw food as well. The second most traffic goes to the prison (newest stockpile indeed). The forge stocks work mostly all right, but the rest of the stockpiles are rarely used regardless of civilian traffic nearby... :(
Post by: Tehsapper on May 08, 2013, 11:40:25 am
It is known that after that giant goblin siege (I mean, 150+ invaders. I filled ALL of the defensive cage traps) and unfortunate accident with a FB crab extract that rendered half of you blind and useless in battle, I've decided to merge you with one of standart military squads. Except our honorary captain of guard, Kivish, that single-handely turned the tide of the siege, slaughtering 3 squads worth of goblins, and being the only soldier capable of killing.
That doesn't mean that you should take off your steel armor, go for an armor bin, then put it in, then collect whatever armor is lying around and store that HEAVY bin back where it belongs, despite meeting requirements for uniform. Did I mention that you take off your armor ONE PIECE AT TIME? That means that it takes so much time to finish this, so I expect two sieges banging at our entrance in this time.
Post by: Maklak on May 08, 2013, 12:40:45 pm
While I understand the importance of having organised stockpiles, I'd rather you prioritized your important jobs and do the hauling in your free time. Instead, most of you who aren't on guard duty, in the gym, sleeping, drinking or eating, run around with "store item in a bin" as your stated occupation. While explicitly telling some of you not to carry bins around alleviated the problem somewhat, I'm perplexed that telling you not to work is actually improving things. My intuition was that the bigger the workforce assigned to a task, the more overall work will get done, but apparently I was wrong. In any case the people dying of thirst in the hospital hospital and jobs at the workshops are more important than having neat stockpiles.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I seem to always run into a problem of having 0 idlers and important work grinding to a halt.
Post by: MrSparky on May 08, 2013, 12:48:02 pm
Dear workers,It helps to turn off the hauling labor on dwarves you want doing other things. Or if you have a job underway that creates many hauling jobs of a certain type(eg woodcutting creates wood hauling and mining creates stone hauling) then you remove the relevant hauling from everyone but the ones you want hauling the relevant items.
While I understand the importance of having organised stockpiles, I'd rather you prioritized your important jobs and do the hauling in your free time. Instead, most of you who aren't on guard duty, in the gym, sleeping, drinking or eating, run around with "store item in a bin" as your stated occupation. While explicitly telling some of you not to carry bins around alleviated the problem somewhat, I'm perplexed that telling you not to work is actually improving things. My intuition was that the bigger the workforce assigned to a task, the more overall work will get done, but apparently I was wrong. In any case the people dying of thirst in the hospital hospital and jobs at the workshops are more important than having neat stockpiles.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I seem to always run into a problem of having 0 idlers and important work grinding to a halt.
Post by: pisskop on May 08, 2013, 12:56:10 pm
Or specialize pure haulers if your fortress is large enough. If micromanagement is your thing then use burrows (although food, beds, etc are sometimes a concern).Dear workers,It helps to turn off the hauling labor on dwarves you want doing other things. Or if you have a job underway that creates many hauling jobs of a certain type(eg woodcutting creates wood hauling and mining creates stone hauling) then you remove the relevant hauling from everyone but the ones you want hauling the relevant items.
While I understand the importance of having organised stockpiles, I'd rather you prioritized your important jobs and do the hauling in your free time. Instead, most of you who aren't on guard duty, in the gym, sleeping, drinking or eating, run around with "store item in a bin" as your stated occupation. While explicitly telling some of you not to carry bins around alleviated the problem somewhat, I'm perplexed that telling you not to work is actually improving things. My intuition was that the bigger the workforce assigned to a task, the more overall work will get done, but apparently I was wrong. In any case the people dying of thirst in the hospital hospital and jobs at the workshops are more important than having neat stockpiles.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I seem to always run into a problem of having 0 idlers and important work grinding to a halt.
You could also use multiple stockpiles. I use 'sheds', walls and floors (as roofing) with a hatch that serve to protect intermediary stockpiles. Take wood. I put a wood stockpile by my gate, in my main hall, by the furnaces, etc. Dwarves will bring each item one step of the way, and by assigning haulers specific burrows they keep their area tidy enough. Of course I also micromanage more because of it.
Post by: Eric Blank on May 08, 2013, 11:12:55 pm
In fact, my biggest suggestion for dealing with the threat of dwarves dying of thirst in the hospital is to have several (3-6) dedicated doctors, who have no other labors but the healthcare labors. This means no woodcarving, soap making, hauling, or cleaning. That way, there's always at least a couple dwarves idling and paying attention to the needs of hospital patients. I haven't lost anyone to dehydration in the hospital in a long, long time. However, I still lose dwarves who refuse to go to the hospital and nobody wants to carry them because they don't register as injured, so they sit on their arse and idle to death. That's an outstanding bug with the game as much as it is an issue of labor priorities.
Post by: StLeibowitz on May 11, 2013, 07:10:39 pm
I already gave you the position of Warchief. Yes, that means you were the highest-ranking orc in the tribe. Yes, that means you had to set an example to the children on what a proper orc should act like.
This by no means excuses your idiotic idea to wrestle a large snake underwater.
Honestly, what the hell was going through that thick-skinned uruk skull of yours? "I can't swim, I'm weaponless, and I have no skill at wrestling. I'm going to try to strangle a venomous serpent in that deep river over there!" is not the kind of example the children need. You were already warchief - you had the job! You didn't need to prove anything to anyone about your prowess or strength - you were the certified Big Orc of the village! Now your damn widow is having suicidal tendencies and nobody knows whether it was the repeated snakebites or the water in your lungs that killed you first, though I suppose it could have been neither and the dementia finally reached your brain stem. Our only solace is that you were too thick to grab your damn axe first, so we're only down some cotton underwear and a moron instead of something valuable.
Sincerely, your mystifiedly furious former clanleader (you've been disowned)
Post by: Urist Mc Dwarf on May 13, 2013, 03:04:46 pm
Ripping a dog's head off is not socially appropriate. Neithere is beating the 10 year old owner of the dog with the dogs body. You've traumitized him. no wait, he saw a waterfall. never mind. Also, geting turned into a several roasts before my cooks can get to you is nice.
Dear family of Minotaur,
I am sorry about the death of your family member. for compensation, would you prefer minotaur bone crafts,a minotaur skull totems, minotaur roasts, or minotaur horn crafts?
Overseer
Post by: pisskop on May 14, 2013, 10:16:24 am
Also please ignore those undead dwarves. I promise they have no affiliation with us. Now keep using that under the river passage with supports lining it. And don't let the undead in or the supports may give.
EDIT: STOP. BURYING. THE. DWARF. CORPSES. Bury your own before you bury the necromancer's fodder.
Post by: Deus Asmoth on May 17, 2013, 06:36:40 am
Dear Urist,
When I tell you to dump all those goblin corpses around the fortress into some magma, it means I really do want you to do it. If doesn't mean that I want you to tell me you have no job and then throw a party next to the Jumping Spider cage.
The Overseer.
Post by: Tamber on May 18, 2013, 07:07:24 pm
I am making a note here, great success; we have amassed a vast stockpile of supplies, and have armed ourselves well! Furthermore, we have, for the first time, made our own mead. In celebration of this, and the aforementioned successes, I have organised a (small) party.
On another note, I would just like to re-iterate that iced-over ponds are *not*, repeat *not*, a permissible shortcut to take; particularly in spring. We have just found a body in a small pond. Thankfully, it wasn't anyone important; but still...
-- Overseer Tamber
Post by: MrSparky on May 19, 2013, 06:53:50 pm
Look, you are scheduled to spend odd months with the tutor and be off duty on even months so Atis can train with her. Stop grumbling about long patrol duty, it wouldn't be so long if you would stop taking Atis's turns! You're on your fourth month of a one month call-up. It's your turn again next month but maybe you'll take some time off after that? Please?
Sincerely, Overseer
Post by: Akura on May 19, 2013, 08:40:41 pm
Why would you decide to take your break under the dump area, particularly during a rock relocation project? Be glad all you got was a bruised lung.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: BumbleMead on May 21, 2013, 02:33:46 pm
Congratulations on finishing the tower base with a minimum of stranded dwarves. There will be nice bedrooms for all. I'd just like to know if in the future you might consider not stranding the mayor on a remote decorative ledge. In all honesty, I'm not even sure how you managed that, since I didn't find him until the liason needed him. Please try not to strand nobles until they're redundant, thanks. -Overseer.
Dear Inexplicably Levitating Lungfish (lungfishes?),
Stop that. It's creepy watching you swim around three z-levels in the air. How are you guys even getting up there, anyhow?
-Overseer
Post by: Sanctume on May 21, 2013, 04:39:54 pm
I know you're amazingly slow to tire, so whenever you are done with your "individual drill" in that non-functioning danger room here's your fortress to do list:
Take in the 3 Giant Badgers trapped in cages outside.
Mop up the blood smear trails that ended on the bridge entrance.
All our steel weapons are accounted for to be put away on the armory. Apparently Obok, Olon, Kib, Fath, Mebzuth, and Catten decided to wrestle with the Giant badger Sow on that bridge.
There's no sign of them, so I deduce they all rolled off the edge into our magma pit.
You'll need to pick up engraving for the 6 slabs I left at the mason's workshop.
Hope to be back with a new migrants soon.
Post by: Ianflow on May 22, 2013, 07:16:24 pm
Dear Inexplicably Levitating Lungfish (lungfishes?),
Stop that. It's creepy watching you swim around three z-levels in the air. How are you guys even getting up there, anyhow?
-Overseer
Dear Overseer,
I DO WHAT I WANT
-Inexplicably Levitating Lungfish #1
Dear Overseer,
Its creepy how you amphibi-lessians are unable to breath water, fly in the air, walk on the ground, and swim in lava.
Oh yeah, did we forget to mention we enjoy lava baths?
-Inexplicably Levitating Lungfish #2
Dear Overseer,
Lungfishes actually have an innate gland inside our bodies that allows us to survive impossible conditions, along with flying, walking on land, and even living in lava.
It is also found in a rare but so totally real creature called Wizards. That is likely why it is called a Wizard Gland, and not a Lungfish gland, sadly.
-Inexplicably Levitating Lungfish #42
(You get the point. Not joking though, its often something new players notice, and those who know biology become confused about. I've seen on the wiki and forums tales of them not just walking on land, but flying in the air. When I tried to damn the river, and made a reservoir, I noticed Lungfish somehow scaling the building I made, jumping off the top, and then flying for as long as they desire. The strangest I've heard is that when able to, and given access, they've entered lava, swam, and survived.)
Post by: Eric Blank on May 22, 2013, 11:40:00 pm
Post by: ☼!!Troll Fur Sock!!☼ on May 23, 2013, 01:54:57 am
Ballista was ordered to fire. 2 years ago. At goblins. And I forgot about it. Why did you decide it was a good decision to shoot it 2 years later, when your daughter was standing in front of it?
Sincerely
The guy who will soon pull a lever
Post by: BumbleMead on May 23, 2013, 10:16:12 am
The reason is that vermin simply don't obey the laws of physics. Or pathing algorithms and environmental interactions. The only thing that threatens Tweety McLungfish is the dreaded puddy tat.
Or possible the dreaded flying puddy tat. Hmm... will falcons hunting them result in floating remains? Or do physics kick back in once the lungfish are dead?
Post by: pisskop on May 23, 2013, 10:17:55 am
Post by: Urist MacNoob on May 23, 2013, 01:50:06 pm
I understand that you needed stone for your strange mood.
I also understand that you had ample supply of both platinum and rock salt for said mood, along with some of the leather you needed for whatever you were making.
...And yet you never went to get them and subsequently went melancholy insane.
Would you care to explain to me why that is?
Post by: WillowLuman on May 23, 2013, 05:02:00 pm
I know you're just trying to be helpful, but in all the time you spent bringing items to the Depot, even though I told you not to haul anything, the traders have in fact left.
Post by: Larix on May 23, 2013, 05:22:46 pm
'Bring to Depot' is an 'all hands on deck' order. _Nobody_ can shirk this duty, labour settings don't matter. If you wanted _me_ to trade, you should have constrained me to a depot burrow or unchecked all 'pending' items from the depot-stocking screen when time was running short. And if i'd been too busy throwing a party afterwards, you could also have set the depot to 'anybody may trade' - they'd still have enjoyed the precise value ratings afforded by my appraisal skill, and obviously, a trade performed by a random rookie trader with shoddy skills still tends to be more useful than no trade at all performed by a legendary broker.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McBroker.
Post by: pisskop on May 23, 2013, 05:27:56 pm
Dear Overseer,
'Bring to Depot' is an 'all hands on deck' order. _Nobody_ can shirk this duty, labour settings don't matter. If you wanted _me_ to trade, you should have constrained me to a depot burrow or unchecked all 'pending' items from the depot-stocking screen when time was running short. And if i'd been too busy throwing a party afterwards, you could also have set the depot to 'anybody may trade' - they'd still have enjoyed the precise value ratings afforded by my appraisal skill, and obviously, a trade performed by a random rookie trader with shoddy skills still tends to be more useful than no trade at all performed by a legendary broker.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McBroker.
PS. Why didn't you have secondary trader, one you could have used instead of me? I like to eat, drink, and sleep when caravans arrive.
Post by: WillowLuman on May 23, 2013, 06:28:52 pm
Dear Overseer,
'Bring to Depot' is an 'all hands on deck' order. _Nobody_ can shirk this duty, labour settings don't matter. If you wanted _me_ to trade, you should have constrained me to a depot burrow or unchecked all 'pending' items from the depot-stocking screen when time was running short. And if i'd been too busy throwing a party afterwards, you could also have set the depot to 'anybody may trade' - they'd still have enjoyed the precise value ratings afforded by my appraisal skill, and obviously, a trade performed by a random rookie trader with shoddy skills still tends to be more useful than no trade at all performed by a legendary broker.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McBroker.
You WERE confined to a burrow.
Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: Loctavus on May 24, 2013, 09:00:30 am
I must ask that you stop making a fuss and shouting at our good mayor and get on with planting the food we need to survive. We know that flies health and safety concern, and rats are a dire and unimaginable threat.
In accordance with your wishes, Bridgechanneled and her six kittens have been put on the case.
However your other complaints are groundless. The missing chairs and well were built months ago, and the fact you had to sleep in the dirt is down to the fact you refused to build the bed before you slept. Also, your husband should know better than to go cleaning the traps when the threat of goblin incursion is ever present and his tomb will serve as a reminder to those who place cleanliness over personal safety.
I must also point out that you don't even know the meaning of dire and unimaginable threat. One supposedly exists even know beneath our feet. In the deep deep caverns. They say it is a giant skeletal elephant that breathes fire. If the scenes in the meeting area persist and you bruse the fat of anyone else I will personally appoint you to investigate the truth of this matter.
Yours, the overseer.
Post by: Swonnrr on May 24, 2013, 12:27:02 pm
The 4 Zombies Elephants WILL be released in the pit.
At that time, it will be surrounded by walls, or it will not.
Whatever option, it is your choice.
You have until my patience run out to finish that armok' damned wall.
Post by: sweitx on May 24, 2013, 12:47:24 pm
Staring is not a substitute for bolts. Stop staring at the goblin and go pick up some bolts to shoot said goblin with! The bolts that're RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
Sincerely,
Overseer drowning in unused stack of bolts
Post by: Swonnrr on May 24, 2013, 01:02:44 pm
Stop pretending you are going to Archery Practice. You're standing in the food stockpile. For a full year.
I know i ended up throwing you by the door like a wet dog.
In front of an army of undead.
I also know you annihalated every single one of them, from 50 urist, without missing a single time, brillantly using our defense perimeter to your advantage, forcing them to cross one by one, lined up for a perfect shot.
Grats about that. You will be the firsts to get masterwork weaponry and armor.
But, as scarry as they were, we will encounter far worst in the following years.
I understand you liked shooting zombies a lot, since you are now all ecstatic. I also understand you are now borred at shooting inanimate targets.
So I'm digging a pit and throwing the surviving undead elephants in it, since you like so much to shoot them.
So, please, i ask you one more time. Can you please go training?
Post by: WillowLuman on May 24, 2013, 01:46:19 pm
Why the hell are you in the dining hall, starving to death? I've got a pasture defined for you, you've been there for months, why did you come inside? I did not issue any order for my dwarves to do so. And speaking of dwarves, why aren't any of you lot taking the alpacas back out? They're still set to pasture and you've all got instructions to haul animals. Why the hell are you idling?
Post by: Eric Blank on May 24, 2013, 02:29:48 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on May 24, 2013, 02:56:45 pm
Dear Dwarven Baby,
Welcome to this world! I just realized you were born with braided hair.
Post by: Akura on May 27, 2013, 05:30:18 pm
Good job chasing that fleeing goblin all the way to the edge of our territory. Even better job jumping in front of him just one step away from sweet freedom, and then slicing off his hand and forcing him to flee back towards the rest of the troops. I see good things in your career, if you survive long enough.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Captain Cog of the Fortress Guard,
Sorry about your right hand. ...And your right hand. I mean both your actual hand, and your second-in-command. Didn't mean to throw the both of you into combat with just colorful clothing and training spears. You weren't meant for that.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Mayor the Legendary Engraver,
Why would you put artwork of the baron being fired from his previous position of expedition leader in his tomb? It's not a particularly happy image, nor is it particularly accurate, since your predecessor took his job when he was elected mayor.
Sincerely,
Overseer
There is a clear, wide path to the pasture. Deleting the pasture and then redefining it worked, but I have to wonder if it will happen again.Did you accidentally set the Active setting for the pasture zone to off?
Dear Dwarven Baby,Babies are born with full facial hair.
Welcome to this world! I just realized you were born with braided hair.
"Look at 'im, he's got his momma's beard."
Post by: Vyro on May 28, 2013, 08:07:27 am
Re: work ethics.
Yours was the simple job to give mercy to the bait-dog #86 which was integrated as a part of our FB slaying automated device. Said dog well deserved it, since it somehow almost chewed to bits the previous FB, and held off the last deadly dust one for several months, rotting alive and going in and out of consciousness while your Hivemind was scratching his ass, wondering what to do with an ice quadruped that just took 44 pages of dumps on our repeated masterwork steel spikes.
You eagerly took the task, grabbed the aforementioned dog by the tail and dragged it along to the butchery. Yes, you are no animal caretaker, you just kill stuff. Yes, it didn't feel like moving at all. Whistling merrily you crossed the passage and casually stepped over the glass disc trap everyone, including me, forgot about. Then you heard a characteristic SPLAT sound and felt your back being sprayed with copious amounts of something. Intuitively you pulled the dog tail you were grabbing... only to lift it in front of your puzzled face. And behind your back you found a fresh new "make a dog" puzzle, hardcore edition. Which just made you shrug your shoulders and go have a drink.
That was not nice, try avoiding it in the future. This dog won't be the last one of your clients, most likely. And next time you might happen to be in this dog's place.
Sincerely, your almighty laughing Overlord.
Post by: Greiger on May 28, 2013, 09:35:14 am
Dear Urist McButcher.Ow, my sides. At least he got the job done...what does neatness count for anyway.
Re: work ethics.
Post by: Eric Blank on May 28, 2013, 09:40:02 am
Post by: Lolfail0009 on May 28, 2013, 10:34:35 pm
And behind your back you found a fresh new "make a dog" puzzle, hardcore edition. Which just made you shrug your shoulders and go have a drink.PFFFFFFFTAHAHHAHAHA
Post by: WillowLuman on May 29, 2013, 01:14:07 am
Post by: Slayerhero90 on May 29, 2013, 01:43:25 am
You went berserk and killed approximately half of my remaining fort population with a pickaxe. Prolly shouldn't have had you be a miner as well. Then, you got shot by one of the few still-sane dwarves and died. You could have at least finished the god-damn job. I mean really, after you killed the one guy in the military that was still eligible for action (as in, not stripping in the dining room and dying of thirst like our chief medical dwarf), who also made an awesome fucking axe out of bones and became a legendary Bone Carver, I ran out of fucks to give. I wanted to see this fort end by your pick and a ranger who failed to understand that A DINING ROOM BEING REPURPOSED AS A FOOD STOCKPILE IS A SIGN WE DON'T NEED ANYMORE VENISON came along and shot you a few times before you decided, "Welp, I'm done here! Bayh!" and fell on the grass. I would have at least liked you to have died in the hallways of the fort so I could add you to any of the many basalt coffins lining the walls to the dining stockpile and miasma room formerly known as the hospital because I didn't feel like/didn't have the miners to dig out more crypt rooms. Well, there was only one coffin in the hallway, but you would have made a nice new addition to the collection of rotten and skeletonized dwarf bodies lying in the corners, slumped against the wall, and tumbling down the stairs to cavern level one, that long, bumpy slide lubricated by blood and vomit and a hole where I thought, "Maybe building a well would make this better?". 2/3s of my fort wouldn't give a damn, being either melancholy or otherwise insane. Or just that fucking ecstatic. Anyways, you disappointed me. Your body will be eaten by the animals rather than preserved in a coffin or played with by the troglodytes that started this whole spiral.
Post by: Larix on May 29, 2013, 02:38:08 am
You just made my night. Now I have to play as elfs so I can get butchers to drag gobbo POW's over traps.I don't think you need a butcher for that - the dog was shredded because it was/became unconscious the moment it got dragged over the trap.
Post by: Vyro on May 29, 2013, 01:16:20 pm
You just made my night. Now I have to play as elfs so I can get butchers to drag gobbo POW's over traps.Actually it's a bug I discovered a long time ago in one of my Evil forts. Where formerly caged hostile prisoners somehow triggered the traps while being escorted by a hauler to the Death Pit. Which had been adding a lot of good laughs since said traps were cage traps too. Turns out it works on civies as well, provided they are somehow knocked out prior to that.
Post by: the1337doofus on May 29, 2013, 01:21:46 pm
I know you're trying to kill the badger, but instead of aiming for its legs and wasting your ammo, how about shooting it in the head?
-The Overseer
Dear Urist Mchauler; I expect you to take the wasted bone bolts, along with the flung off limbs, to their respective piles. You have orders to do so, so do it.
-Your frustrated overseer.
Le Edit: Damned K key, why are you so close to the L key?
Post by: sweitx on May 29, 2013, 01:31:45 pm
Dear Urist McHunter;Dear frustrated overseer,
I know you're trying to kill the badger, but instead of aiming for its kegs and wasting your ammo, how about shooting it in the head?
-The Overseer
Dear Urist Mchauler; I expect you to take the wasted bone bolts, along with the flung off limbs, to their respective piles. You have orders to do so, so do it.
-Your frustrated overseer.
Perhaps you have forbidden the gathering of refuses outside?
- Perplexed hauler
Post by: Slayerhero90 on May 29, 2013, 01:47:57 pm
Dear Urist McHunter;DEAR OVERSEER;
I know you're trying to kill the badger, but instead of aiming for its kegs and wasting your ammo, how about shooting it in the head?
-The Overseer
BUT IT'S GOT OUR ALCOHOL! I'M TRY'N'A SHOOT THE KEGS OFF ITS BACK!
-URIST MCHUNTER
Post by: Tacomagic on May 29, 2013, 08:52:14 pm
Yes that is indeed the corpse of a goblin snatcher; I'm so glad you decided to go, by yourself, to look at it as it sits far, far outside the safety of the fortress near the edge of the map. You'll certainly need to know what a goblin looks like in the very near future, so it's useful that you would take the opportunity to look at one.
Also, snatchers usually come in groups... and that was the first one.
Enjoy living in the goblin society, I hear they have cookies made from cave dragon feces.
Sincerely,
Bemused Emperor Taco
Post by: pisskop on May 29, 2013, 09:12:29 pm
So why am I just now finding out you can mine carve ramps from above? and why would you strand yourself over magma?
Post by: Tacomagic on May 29, 2013, 09:15:07 pm
I appreciate the love you have of carving statues of Jumping Spiders. Keep them coming, they are adding just tons of value to the Baron's apartment and we can fit at least a dozen more in there.
To the rest of the fort:
Please stop complaining about the huge number of jumping spider statues. They add much needed class to our craphole.
Thank you.
Post by: Urist McVoyager on May 30, 2013, 09:33:32 am
I know you are probably only three years old mentally, but even a three year old can probably figure out to leave a path home when mining out an area. Do try to remember this while you're channelling out the floor of the skylight.
Sincerely,
Your very unamused overseer
Dear Urist McComplainsaboutchildren,
[NATURAL_SKILL] is your best friend. Kids of races with this tag are born with skills assigned by that, and they automatically work at any jobs using them. Say hello to child labor.
Sincerely,
Urist McTaskMaster
Post by: the1337doofus on May 30, 2013, 09:55:38 am
Dear Urist McHunter;Dear frustrated overseer,
I know you're trying to kill the badger, but instead of aiming for its kegs and wasting your ammo, how about shooting it in the head?
-The Overseer
Dear Urist Mchauler; I expect you to take the wasted bone bolts, along with the flung off limbs, to their respective piles. You have orders to do so, so do it.
-Your frustrated overseer.
Perhaps you have forbidden the gathering of refuses outside?
- Perplexed hauler
That's actually the first thing I changed when I set up my fort. But still, he just sits there, idling. However, if I mark them for dumping, everyone gets off their asses and does it. Strange.
Post by: the1337doofus on May 30, 2013, 09:57:40 am
Do not pay attention to the carp symbols on the ground. Do not. That is very bad, and you will be flung into the river with the giant sponge if you do not cease paying attention to the carp symbols- oh, you've already turned into an acolyte. Okay then.
- Your very scared overseer.
Dear carp god;
LEAVE US ALONE!
- A mortal
Post by: Gamerlord on May 30, 2013, 10:20:33 am
Dear Expedition leader;
Do not pay attention to the carp symbols on the ground. Do not. That is very bad, and you will be flung into the river with the giant sponge if you do not cease paying attention to the carp symbols- oh, you've already turned into an acolyte. Okay then.
- Your very scared overseer.
Dear carp god;
LEAVE US ALONE!
- A mortal
Later:
Dear Acolyte, eat steel. Sincerely, militia captain.
Post by: the1337doofus on June 01, 2013, 10:33:07 pm
Although it is your duty to mine it, please stop inhaling coal dust; Put something over your mouth, otherwise you'll get black lung and die, pissing everyone (including me) off.
- Overseer
Dear Cult Of The Carp God;
Stop making little carp emblems on the dirt, the dwarves are obsessing over it.
- Overseer
There hasn't been a post in two days, wow.
Post by: Gigmaster on June 01, 2013, 10:42:08 pm
I appreciate your rigor in gathering up the dropped implements of our immigrants as they arrive at Metalwhispered. I do not appreciate the fact that you took the bin of priceless masterwork steel battleaxes out to do so, nor do I appreciate that you dropped said bin upon spotting a tribe of white lemurs, who promptly chased you off and scuttled away with over 10,000 dwarfbuxs worth of dwarven cutlery. To make matters worse, our most talented weaponsmith is now tantruming in the forge area, due to the blind anger of having part of his life's work lost by a dwarf who doesn't have the balls to stand up to a monkey no larger than his arm. I hope the -iron pick- that you returned to get was worth it. I really do.
Sincerely,
McDirectorOfSuicideVoulenteers
Post by: Whackjob on June 02, 2013, 12:08:47 am
It is not without a moderate amount of perplexment that I pen this note. Stupid elfs and their stupid papers. Stone tablets are proper for a dwarf. I'd chisel this note in a tablet, but as you are responsible for the tablets, and are being negligent, this paper will have to suffice.
When the first of us twenty left to found BottomChasm, we all expected discomfort and strife. Such is the nature of a colony. Our venture faired worse than most; a meagre seven of us survived to even arrive in these blasted lands. Three of us died that first year. The first died due to what the doctor tells me as "Scurvy". I have no idea what this is, as she didn't lack for any sort of curves. She also had a very soft beard. I still miss her. The other two were our first militia squad, who fell victim to an inexplicable wrestling accident that saw both their brains dashed across a wall simultaneously. I have no doubt this mystery will endure.
When you, Urist, arrived with our first wave of immigrants, I realize you saw our meagre holdings with severe disdain. How could you not? Our beer was thin and our meals were merely scorched vermin. But such is the life of a colonist. I also realize your attitude did not improve when we disregarded your "talent" as a soap maker, and instead designated you as our colony mason. The needs of the colony dictate the work that must be done. I know you disagree. And I know you know that I do not care.
But you must put an end to this inexplicable feud with the mayor. As it goes now, there is no way that this can end well for you, if you continue on on this course. In particular I take issue with the statue you chose to carve and place in front of the Mayor's quarters. A large statue depicting the Mayor's daughter with those goats was done in particularly poor taste. That you felt the need to further decorate this offensive work with large garnet beads frustrates me, almost as much as where you deigned to put them.
We have been patient with you. As we are now recently a mature fortress, we have permitted you to pursue your annoying soap fetish. A giant pile of your soap is available near our luxurious indoor bath. To my amazement, it has even been used once or twice. There is no reason for you to continue your grievances with the mayor. As you know, last month our colony was blessed with the creation of SmashedHamster, the artifact lead sledgehammer. I point out that this was given to the colony hammerer, who is the mayor's son. Our new mason has already made you a stone slab, and it has already been engraved with your name. How soon it is placed entirely depends upon you.
And try to ease up on the soap making a little. We've already dumped several dozen cartloads into the magma pit. We have no room for it and the merchants won't even take it as a gift.
Signed,
Labor Manager
Post by: Whackjob on June 02, 2013, 12:40:07 am
I wish to write to congratulate you on the fine work you have done for this colony thus far.
I fondly recall the day you arrived as an immigrant. For the first day, we had misunderstood the value you brought to our home, and had you labor away as a common hauler. You did not complain. You even shuffled along those barrels of scorpion vomit with a cheerful and carefree attitude. I wish with every fiber of my being that your mood would rub off on the rest of us. Especially the Mason.
You first came to our attention when you displayed impressive levels of initiative. Faced with that mount of rotting corpses outside, you took it upon yourself to construct your very own slaughterhouse, and for a couple of years, kept our kitchens well stocked with delightful meat of questionable provenance. The quality of life for all increased measurably within days.
You again came to our attention when you took the lessons you learned in flaying creatures alive and applied that to the medicinal arts. When our first dragoon squad got lost and mistakenly laid siege to us, you were there before the rest of us, fishing children out of those bladed traps and pulling them off spikes. I note that already several diplomats from the home territories have sent their own medics to learn from you. I understand that to this day nobody else can graft the skin from a marmot onto a living dwarf and have it take. We are proud of you!
But I do admit that I have one small, niggling concern. While you ability to graft animal parts onto dwarves is nothing short of legendary, we would kindly ask you to limit or abandon your research. I note that we've already had one military dwarf sever his own arm. It is our understanding that you had promised to graft him a dragon's leg for a new arm. I wish to point out that we currently have no dragon, much less one willing to part with a limb. While we have no doubt that, could this be done successfully, that it SHOULD be done, but we ask you kindly that we wait until we have both a willing limb-culling dragon and an armless dwarf already present and available. The militia rosters are thin enough as it is without a surfeit of self amputations.
Your cooperation anticipated,
Labor Manager
Post by: the1337doofus on June 02, 2013, 06:20:17 am
Dear Urist (DOCTOR);
I wish to write to congratulate you on the fine work you have done for this colony thus far.
I fondly recall the day you arrived as an immigrant. For the first day, we had misunderstood the value you brought to our home, and had you labor away as a common hauler. You did not complain. You even shuffled along those barrels of scorpion vomit with a cheerful and carefree attitude. I wish with every fiber of my being that your mood would rub off on the rest of us. Especially the Mason.
You first came to our attention when you displayed impressive levels of initiative. Faced with that mount of rotting corpses outside, you took it upon yourself to construct your very own slaughterhouse, and for a couple of years, kept our kitchens well stocked with delightful meat of questionable provenance. The quality of life for all increased measurably within days.
You again came to our attention when you took the lessons you learned in flaying creatures alive and applied that to the medicinal arts. When our first dragoon squad got lost and mistakenly laid siege to us, you were there before the rest of us, fishing children out of those bladed traps and pulling them off spikes. I note that already several diplomats from the home territories have sent their own medics to learn from you. I understand that to this day nobody else can graft the skin from a marmot onto a living dwarf and have it take. We are proud of you!
But I do admit that I have one small, niggling concern. While you ability to graft animal parts onto dwarves is nothing short of legendary, we would kindly ask you to limit or abandon your research. I note that we've already had one military dwarf sever his own arm. It is our understanding that you had promised to graft him a dragon's leg for a new arm. I wish to point out that we currently have no dragon, much less one willing to part with a limb. While we have no doubt that, could this be done successfully, that it SHOULD be done, but we ask you kindly that we wait until we have both a willing limb-culling dragon and an armless dwarf already present and available. The militia rosters are thin enough as it is without a surfeit of self amputations.
Your cooperation anticipated,
Labor Manager
Wat.
This is probably actually just a mod you play, but I'll come out and say it; Pix or it didn't happen.
Post by: pisskop on June 02, 2013, 08:48:50 am
Post by: Whackjob on June 02, 2013, 08:50:42 am
Post by: Splint on June 05, 2013, 04:31:40 am
There's enough purified water for everyone, you stupid fools just have to be patient. If you could do that, then ou wouldn't be spamming sludge jellies are scaring you when you try to drink that polluted gunk flowing through the valley that is trying to pass itself off as water.
Thank you,
Settlement Head
Post by: Rainbow_Lizard on June 05, 2013, 10:58:49 am
I appreciate your need to unwind, and how muck you like parties. I also appreciate that I should put my statue garden further into the fortress, or at least not right next to the gate. But I do think that it's a bad idea to party over there when a hunter saw a walking nanny goat skeleton. I know, you could not have expected it, but thanks to this party, we lost five dwarves to the undead, all because you kept trying to run back there to continue partying. It doesn't help that the Child who started the party was snatched by a goblin.
Yours Truly,
Your loving overseer
Dear Urist McConspiracy,
We know why you started the party. We know you were working with the Goblins. We know your little green friends raised that goat. Your head would become a red sludge if you hadn't been taken home by your friends.
Hoping to kill you,
The loving overseer you betrayed.
Post by: pisskop on June 05, 2013, 11:20:53 am
We are only doin' as you permit. We only hold parties at designated meeting areas. Statue gardens, wells, dining rooms and other physical designations. If you dono' want us to party there then tell us by undesignating the meeting area. Even if you redesignate it later just undesignating for a tick or two will make us stop the party.
And I refuse to dignify your ludicris statement challenging my dwarfiness.
Urist McConspiracy
Post by: Rainbow_Lizard on June 05, 2013, 11:44:03 am
DearOverseer;
We are only doin' as you permit. We only hold parties at designated meeting areas. Statue gardens, wells, dining rooms and other physical designations. If you dono' want us to party there then tell us by undesignating the meeting area. Even if you redesignate it later just undesignating for a tick or two will make us stop the party.
And I refuse to dignify your ludicris statement challenging my dwarfiness.
Urist McConspiracy
But How? You were taken by the goblins. You should be in their goblin training yard, being congratulated from your masterfully planned party and training your weapons.
Post by: pisskop on June 05, 2013, 12:13:54 pm
You could also use the room tab, but I dont. Note that meeting areas dedignated with 'i' and 'm' (which have no physical component) do not allow parties.
Its my guess you made a statue or well a meeting area, although other constructions can be them as well.
Post by: MrSparky on June 05, 2013, 03:55:33 pm
I believe its always 'm' to designate/undesignate a room, but the room will tell you.With item-based rooms it's 'f' to free up the room and 'r' to remake it.
Post by: pisskop on June 05, 2013, 04:33:43 pm
Post by: Akura on June 06, 2013, 06:31:27 am
Why are you not training those war turkeys? They don't train themselves to swarm over their enemies and get chopped to pieces.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: Urist Mcfortwrecker on June 10, 2013, 04:09:02 pm
yes the stone is hot, this is because it is under the magma resevoir, no it is not dangerous, i assure you the magma is not going to leak through, do you not have faith in the floor you yourselves mined out? if any of you die, i promise that you will be the first to be hammered for incompetence
sincerely, your overseer
Post by: thefish1992 on June 19, 2013, 12:28:14 pm
Could you explain what exactly you mean by tell me that you can't imagine me getting all those item? i was willing to offer a 22000 dwarfbuck profit for those barres of booze and a couple blueprints. a 22k profit. 22k EXTRA PROFIT!
Die
Sincerely Local overseer
Dear Rebelling Melita Commander
Ok look i know those merchants were once part of are own civ, but they had it coming! You are currently single handily besieging the fortress you swore to protect, if you stop killing any civilian that walks outside ill get the boy to drop the charges, come on what do you say?
P,S, could you tell your former training partner and rebel in arms to stop beating the cook over the head with a shoe? Shes been at it for a year now.
Terrified thefish1992
To 14 survivors of of the Stable Corridors.
Ok i convinced the last surviving rebel to dig into the volcano, now if we can get to burying the 95 dead and stop worrying about that blasted giant bee it would be great.
Sincerely thefish1992.
To the new LOYAL militia of the Stable Corridors
Due to certain shortages in the armory I am going to issue you all war unicorns, please take better care of them than your former war boars.
Sincerely thefish1992
Post by: Lielac on June 19, 2013, 01:44:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Holy shit, you survived a loyalty cascade?
Post by: thefish1992 on June 19, 2013, 02:14:32 pm
Post by: Tovical on June 19, 2013, 06:01:59 pm
Your devotion and zeal are commendable, but you should probably save your energy for the endless goblin hordes. The kea was a nuisance but dismembering it with your teeth like a rabid dog was overkill.
Signed,
Your Overseer
P.S. I have given you, and your comrades, a full complement of iron gear. If I see you using your *teeth* on a goblin, I'll have you gutted by your replacement.
Post by: StoneToad on June 19, 2013, 06:20:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Have you checked if he's a vampire?
Post by: Tovical on June 19, 2013, 06:35:41 pm
Post by: Akura on June 19, 2013, 07:38:11 pm
Sometimes during combat, one particular attack/location combo will be flagged as being a "simple hit"(as observed in Adventurer mode) even if other attacks on the location are impossible. It is one of these attacks that will be performed if the attack is targeted automatically(ie, in Fortress Mode).
Post by: Gamerlord on June 19, 2013, 10:46:45 pm
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR BLINDNESS. If ALL of your friends and coworkers are screaming and yelling about a kobold thief, if you are between said thief and the exit, I expect you to attack it!
Sincerely,
That Voice In The Sky
Post by: Tovical on June 20, 2013, 06:26:16 pm
Hopefully you'll notice this note slipped in between the cracks of the walls behind which you're now trapped. I am tempted to apologize for ordering you to build that workshop in a place where you would then be walled in. Thankfully you haven't succumbed to hunger or thirst before I noticed your predicament. However, I cannot apologize since you probably should have realized the mistake as you were constructing the workshop and made a decision other than to blindly follow my orders to the letter. Speaking of letters, this one is to inform you that I've taken pity on your situation (only because of our mutual stupidity) and you are given permission to disassemble the workshop, afterwhich we will talk about placing it in a more suitable location. As I said, I expected better of you, therefore we might also talk about who might make a good appointee for the position of Hammerer when the time comes, and about retroactive sentencing.
Your Newb Overlord
Post by: WanderingKid on June 22, 2013, 11:05:03 pm
I realize you're just an infant and don't have your proper alcohol to blood ratios right yet, but I'm confused. When that goblin came by during the invasion (and probable fall due to tantrum spiral) of Copperways and smacked you one... why did you choose to attack the cat?
Sincerely,
Your very confused overseer...
Post by: Urist McSpardbane on June 23, 2013, 08:43:26 am
Stop bitching, this is a brand new expedition into uncharted lands. There are no masterwork beds or legendary meals, so stop getting sad. Start working and stop trying to party with the cat that Urist McDoofus stole from that last batch of Migrants in the makeshift dining hall.
Much Love,
Urist McSpardbane
Post by: Iceflame on June 24, 2013, 05:29:33 am
you got a quiver, bolts and a nice steel crossbow. Use them.
Sincerely,
your Overseer
P.S.: Using the crossbow does not mean 'run down the walls, go outside and punch the goblin with the crossbow in its face'. You may have killed him, but you also lost your left arm. Well done.
Post by: ArchAIngel on June 25, 2013, 04:23:33 pm
Please, keep up the good work with requests. Ordering three maces just before a migrant wave comes, with three macedwarves in it? Useful. Also, your love of bolts is a great help for keeping my 32 marksdwarves loaded up with shots. Also, what did you do to piss off the goblins? They sent eight "snatchers" that all went right for you. Admittedly, you killed them all by facepunching the first, then using his knife to murder the rest, but still, I want to know what you did.
Sincerely and happily, Your overseer.
Post by: skyte100 on June 25, 2013, 04:46:50 pm
Why is both your king and kingdom named Urist?
Post by: Lalasa on June 25, 2013, 09:50:09 pm
I'm sorry that a table for your dining room could not be constructed out of pike teeth. I understand that pike teeth are small, shiny, and fishy. However, I do not have any pike teeth and even then there would never been a way to craft them into a table under normal circumstances. Also, you were jealous of the mayor's rooms. I understand that the mayor is lower than you, but the mayor is also the Queen. Of course she's have a nicer room than you. And considering these small details destroyed your mental state, you really were unfit to be the baroness anyway. I hope you remember that you were useless peasant at first and I liberated you from your lowly trash position.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Urist MacNoob on June 29, 2013, 09:59:26 pm
I understand that you've got pants but no shirt and that you have a nice rack and don't like the other kids and dwarves see it and that because they are seeing it and because goblins shot mommy and your brother you are sad. In fact, I kind of pity you. I liked your mother. I watched her grow as a dwarf from the moment she arrived in the rock salt city of Helmedglow.
That's why we're having this conversation. If you attack and destroy another workshop-- I don't know how you did it, but if you do it again, there will be consequences, young lady. They say that if you fall down the stairs and land on a cage trap it will spring, despite the fact that you are a dwarf, and that the elves will be more than willing to buy you as a pet. Does the prospect horrify you? It certainly should. Now run along and put on mommy's socks and your brother's shirt. They don't need them any more. I'm glad we had this talk and we won't have it again.
Post by: Merendel on June 30, 2013, 02:10:12 am
I know you are inquisitive and love exploring and opening doors for no good reason but opening the access door to the magma piston's lava chamber as its being filled is not a bright idea. Or rather you'll be very bright for the few ticks it takes for you to incinerate completely.
Your overseer who is investing in better locks.
Post by: xana55 on June 30, 2013, 08:28:14 pm
I expected you to shoot the forgotten beast not beat it to death so you could avoid it's horrible breath that causes dwarfs to rot alive. That being said given you managed to beat it to death, drown it in it's own boiling extract and block every breath it spewed at you I'm giving you a pass on this one. I'm officially impressed with you.
From the overseer
Post by: InfinityOrNone on June 30, 2013, 08:51:00 pm
Adamantine is for swords, not hammers.
Yours truly, Armok
Post by: Larix on July 01, 2013, 04:16:45 am
Post by: Pakkanen on July 01, 2013, 06:30:09 am
stop running from the crippled, incapacitated, loosely armed goblin.
Regards.
Post by: xana55 on July 01, 2013, 10:15:03 am
I appreciate your dedication and understand your excitement at my having finally built a hospital after almost 5 years without one. That being said, really it might have been kinder to just let those poor bastards form the military die. Really I don't know what you expected to accomplish working on those 4 dwarfs with advanced rot on every single part of there bodies including there bones. Also in future clean up your victims of science when your done.
From the overseer
Post by: Urist MacNoob on July 01, 2013, 02:24:59 pm
To the medical staff
I appreciate your dedication and understand your excitement at my having finally built a hospital after almost 5 years without one. That being said, really it might have been kinder to just let those poor bastards form the military die. Really I don't know what you expected to accomplish working on those 4 dwarfs with advanced rot on every single part of there bodies including there bones. Also in future clean up your victims of science when your done.
From the overseer
A day or two ago I'd have been too horrified to ask you what happened.
Now I'm just curious. My sanity meter is drained. This isn't to say that I'm unhappy, I'm just constantly in a fell mood now.
But I digress, what happened and how can I weaponize it?
Post by: KingBacon on July 01, 2013, 05:35:11 pm
I don't know how you did it, but you managed to channel the designated area without killing yourself. Your actions also resulted in a cat tumbling to its death.
Thank you for being proactive in relation to the pet population.
Sincerely,
Your Obsessive Overseer
Post by: wierd on July 01, 2013, 05:49:27 pm
I realize that the two of you have astoundingly high degrees of rebelliousness, and neuroses, (78, and 100 respectively), but could you please stop producing children who have MULTIPLE negative inherited attributes, just because this overseer has decided that strict dwarven eugenics are in effect?
I don't want to murder your children by dropping them into the horrible zombie infested pit anymore than you want me to, (because then I have to go through the added expenses of making a memorial slab for said unviable offspring, and that gets expensive.) So could you please stop thinking that having horribly sickly and malignantly deformed babies out of spite is a proper form of addressing grievances? I assure you that I am not being judgemental, but so far your group is the only one to have consistently produced nothing but culls. I don't know if it is fetal alcohol syndrome or what, but I don't find murdering your deformed babies all that entertaining (well, the first few times maybe..) and doing this just to spite me only forces me to kill more babies, and will in no capacity deter me from my mission. Whatever it is you are doing, cut it out, OK? If you produce a baby that isn't an asthmatic with hydrocephaly and muscular dystrophy, I promise not to summarily feed it to the growing number of zombie children in the zombie pit, OK?
--Your benevolent Overseer
Post by: xana55 on July 01, 2013, 06:32:26 pm
To the medical staff
I appreciate your dedication and understand your excitement at my having finally built a hospital after almost 5 years without one. That being said, really it might have been kinder to just let those poor bastards form the military die. Really I don't know what you expected to accomplish working on those 4 dwarfs with advanced rot on every single part of there bodies including there bones. Also in future clean up your victims of science when your done.
From the overseer
A day or two ago I'd have been too horrified to ask you what happened.
Now I'm just curious. My sanity meter is drained. This isn't to say that I'm unhappy, I'm just constantly in a fell mood now.
But I digress, what happened and how can I weaponize it?
Really pissed off forgotten beast, as to how you weaponize it. Stun, cage, release on enemies so it's toxic powder gives them all skin, muscle, tissue, bone, organ, and nervous system rot.
There are actually 3 people still alive who got afflicted with it and recovered along with a ton of dogs and cats. Even the Miasma stopped after about a season.
Post by: wierd on July 01, 2013, 06:53:38 pm
Otherwise, just use the booth.
Essentially, it looks like this:
OBBBO
BO÷OB
B÷+÷B
BO÷OB
OBBBO
O== a wall pillar
B== raising bridge
÷== fortification slit
+== floor tile
Link all 4 bridges to a lever. Use a webbed cagetrap (unless web immune) to catch the FB, then build the cage at the floor tile, then connect it to a lever. Build the peepshow booth around the cage. Link the bridges to the "peepshow, 0 urists. Warning, can and will cause PTSD" lever.
Pull the cage lever. This releases the FB in its new home. Pull the peepshow lever. This closes up the peepshow shutters.
When the greenskins show up, let them have a taste of the peepshow. The FB will blow out the dust attack, which will easily pass through the fortification slits, and gas the surrounding area. It will continue to do so as long as it sees the greenskins. Close the shutters after the goblins' skin rots off, and they all go blind.
Profit.
Post by: Sprin on July 01, 2013, 07:48:11 pm
Your an ass.
<3 Overseer
Edit: Stupid autocorect...
Post by: Urist MacNoob on July 02, 2013, 10:48:01 pm
That or I'll just crush it with traps or a cavein and feast on it's corpse.
Post by: xana55 on July 02, 2013, 10:51:30 pm
Look I get it, strange mood and all that new age elf music but leave the armok damned adamantine alone or I will end you. Your lucky that raw adamantine statue was so badass and I hated that liaison who's getting his ass kicked in the image on the leather decoration or I'd have you dumped in the pit with the nerve rot dust.
From the overseer
Post by: flame99 on July 03, 2013, 01:33:14 am
Why, oh why must you go off of your break, travel down the massive, endless staircase going from the surface to the SMR, mine one piece of stone, then go on break again?
Post by: WanderingKid on July 03, 2013, 01:39:54 am
Dear Urist McMiner,
Why, oh why must you go off of your break, travel down the massive, endless staircase going from the surface to the SMR, mine one piece of stone, then go on break again?
Because, Mr. Overseer, those 10 bored haulers won't drag any drink or food down here for me, and that staircase is sooooooooo long. I'm tired! Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?
Post by: Sprin on July 03, 2013, 09:25:50 am
No get back to work dum ass!!!Dear Urist McMiner,
Why, oh why must you go off of your break, travel down the massive, endless staircase going from the surface to the SMR, mine one piece of stone, then go on break again?
Because, Mr. Overseer, those 10 bored haulers won't drag any drink or food down here for me, and that staircase is sooooooooo long. I'm tired! Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?
Post by: Sutremaine on July 03, 2013, 02:15:52 pm
Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 03, 2013, 02:28:31 pm
Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Hah, Mr. Overseer! I've got you beat! You know you can't burrow a miner, he won't dig where he's not burrowed! Power to da Peoples! errr... *burp*... Dwarves!
Post by: the1337doofus on July 03, 2013, 03:17:59 pm
Quit pissing yourself at the sight of a random wild animal that's across the river. Just build the bucking house and stop leaving puddles of terror-pee everywhere.
- Overseer Doof
Post by: Larix on July 03, 2013, 04:34:09 pm
Dear Urist McCraftsdwarf
Look I get it, strange mood and all that new age elf music but leave the armok damned adamantine alone or I will end you.
What, why all that rage of a sudden? You put the adamantine boulders right next to the mason's shop, you didn't forbid them when i picked them up, you didn't forbid them when i was working on them. You gave your implicit approval all the time while it was taking shape, and now once it's finished you go off all threatening and murderous?
(really, if a dwarf picks a mood component you don't want, forbid it and they'll grab something new; forbid it after they started working and the forbidden material won't be used in the finished item. As long as the dwarf wasn't trying to make something of a single material object, everything should be fine. I often use strategic material placement and selective forbidding/allowing to make sure dwarfs don't make artefacts from pig bones and diorite but use the elephant bones and raw adamantine instead. Anyway, artefact statues are ultra-valuable and great mood boosters. I hope it _was_ a statue and not a 100% useless figurine...)
Post by: MrSparky on July 03, 2013, 04:39:29 pm
Wrong Mr Miner. You can create a burrow containing the dig designations. You don't have to reveal a tile to have it contained in a burrow.Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Hah, Mr. Overseer! I've got you beat! You know you can't burrow a miner, he won't dig where he's not burrowed! Power to da Peoples! errr... *burp*... Dwarves!
Post by: WanderingKid on July 03, 2013, 08:09:20 pm
Wrong Mr Miner. You can create a burrow containing the dig designations. You don't have to reveal a tile to have it contained in a burrow.Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Hah, Mr. Overseer! I've got you beat! You know you can't burrow a miner, he won't dig where he's not burrowed! Power to da Peoples! errr... *burp*... Dwarves!
Nevah Surrender! I wants my bed and bread down here! Fine then you showoffian goblin loving Overseer! You just made sure that your goblinite won't work down here since your furnace I just dug out isn't in the same burrow as the goblinite! hah! Spit in your eye, I wi...
Wait, what in Armok's name do you mean you want me to start carving the fortification into the magma pipe? Where's the stairs? I didn't dig no stairs...
!! Oh god where's the stairs?! !!
Post by: flame99 on July 03, 2013, 08:35:25 pm
Post by: Rainbow_Lizard on July 06, 2013, 11:08:54 am
I know you need to take a staircase quite close to the caverns to retrive the gold nuggets I asked you to get, but it is completely protected against any monsters from it. The cave crocodile may be menacingly knocking on the wall, but as far as I am aware, Cave Crocodiles do not have access to copper pickaxes. It may seem scary, but it cannot reach you, and I'm pretty sure that it cannot get past closed drawbridges, either.
-Your loving Overseer
Dear Urist McAxedwarf
I appreciate the effort it must have taken to kill that Minotaur, especially in cutting its arm off, but could you make sure that your fellow soldiers' heads are not in the trajectory of the arm? Also, I made the poor Hammerdwarf's coffin out of glass, just to serve as a reminder to dwarves like you.
-Your loving Overseer
Post by: the1337doofus on July 08, 2013, 08:55:04 pm
Dear Urist McBeekeeper;
Why, exactly, have you come to the middle of a bee-less desert in search of work? There is no bee industry in DaggerAnus and there never will be. You are now assigned to wall building and stone hauling, as are your bee-related friends.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 08, 2013, 08:58:54 pm
Dear Uristette McCook; We have plenty of quarry bush leaves and dwarven syrup. The management would like to remind you that plump helmets are just fine raw, and do not need to be cooked. The next plump helmet ANYTHING you cook will result in severe penalties.z -> Kitchen -> Arrow down to plump helmets, and hit 'c', that'll turn off cooking but leave them available for brewing.
Post by: the1337doofus on July 08, 2013, 09:55:16 pm
Post by: InfinityOrNone on July 10, 2013, 12:46:07 am
I understand you're going berserk and want to get some murder in while it's still cool, but was it really such a good idea to take a swing at the legendary miner?
Signed, Armok
Post by: Larix on July 10, 2013, 07:06:59 am
Yes. Yes, it _was_ a good idea. Which side are You on, anyway?
Sincerely (if in more than a little doubt), your fortress dwellers who appreciate not having their faces punched by a crazy child.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 10, 2013, 04:28:01 pm
We live in, well, under, a desert. Fish, particularly fish with shells, are nonexistant, and we're mostly hunting the parakeets out of existence. I realize that Armok has blessed you with an idea, but it's going to fail. I haven't been buying fish off the caravans, particularly turtles, because we have food overflowing from the storage so badly that I'm smashing food when it rots. We haven't really needed it.
We also have a minotaur that's about to slaughter the next caravan locked up outside the gates. You're basically SOL, my friend.
So, I applaud your intent in becoming a legendary bone carver. I even applaud that you took over the bone carving workshop that was explicitly setup for our existing legendary bone carver. I don't applaud your choice of materials in requiring 3 shells.
Did you notice the door on your way in? Yes, that nice stone door. It's going to be locked shortly, and you in your mood will probably never notice. If I happen to get the caravan in here and we're able to pick up some turtles, you may end up with a pleasant surprise. If not... well... I'm sure we'll find your whithered and starved corpse eventually. We have a nice selection of coffins off in the rock quarry, you're welcome to your pick of them.
-Overfiend.
Post by: hiroshi42 on July 10, 2013, 06:23:52 pm
Dear Erith Avuznunok, Hauler, and fey mooder.
We live in, well, under, a desert. Fish, particularly fish with shells, are nonexistant, and we're mostly hunting the parakeets out of existence. I realize that Armok has blessed you with an idea, but it's going to fail. I haven't been buying fish off the caravans, particularly turtles, because we have food overflowing from the storage so badly that I'm smashing food when it rots. We haven't really needed it.
We also have a minotaur that's about to slaughter the next caravan locked up outside the gates. You're basically SOL, my friend.
So, I applaud your intent in becoming a legendary bone carver. I even applaud that you took over the bone carving workshop that was explicitly setup for our existing legendary bone carver. I don't applaud your choice of materials in requiring 3 shells.
Did you notice the door on your way in? Yes, that nice stone door. It's going to be locked shortly, and you in your mood will probably never notice. If I happen to get the caravan in here and we're able to pick up some turtles, you may end up with a pleasant surprise. If not... well... I'm sure we'll find your whithered and starved corpse eventually. We have a nice selection of coffins off in the rock quarry, you're welcome to your pick of them.
-Overfiend.
Dear Overfeind
We could not help but noticing the spark of false hope you have deemed to give our good friend Erith Avuznunok. We would like to bring to your attention the fact that fish bought from caravans come pre-shelled for your convenience. The only way we could possibly acquire shells in this Armok forsaken elf-hole is if we are lucky with the cavern fish or if we create a new fishing hole and allow biogenesis to create some turtles for us.
Sincerely The United Fish Processors Amalgamated Guild Association. (AKA the suicide squad)
Post by: WanderingKid on July 10, 2013, 06:30:50 pm
Dear Overfeind
We could not help but noticing the spark of false hope you have deemed to give our good friend Erith Avuznunok. We would like to bring to your attention the fact that fish bought from caravans come pre-shelled for your convenience. The only way we could possibly acquire shells in this Armok forsaken elf-hole is if we are lucky with the cavern fish or if we create a new fishing hole and allow biogenesis to create some turtles for us.
Sincerely The United Fish Processors Amalgamated Guild Association. (AKA the suicide squad)
Why thank you, my dear squad. As hoped, the Overfiend has prayed to Armok, and Armok has answered, since he sent the mood in the first place I guess he had some vested interest. He has altered reality so that Erith may have a chance to succeed. Hooves, Chitin, Horns, and Cartelidge now have enough similarity to true shells that Erith will not see them differently than true shells. What he'll come up with, we wait to see.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 12, 2013, 01:20:05 am
I'm impressed, my good hauler. You managed to die of thirst in a room filled with booze, standing on a square with a minecart filled with whip wine, surrounded by people who would have dragged you to the hospital if you were injured.
This is your own damned fault.
-Overfiend.
Post by: Oaktree on July 12, 2013, 08:43:24 pm
There is no adamantine. There never was any adamantine. There will never be any adamantine here. EVER.
It does not matter that you like it. It will NOT appear. So please quit whining, grab some other metal to decorate that piece of steel with, and get on with it!
>:(
Post by: ElenaRoan on July 13, 2013, 02:19:47 am
I have a fairly relaxed attitude towards babies brought along to work. However leaving your baby on the wall designation that is part of the walling off the caverns defense is not an appropriate place as if that piece of wall is built it results in the baby becoming part of the wall. While some might find this a rather amusing defense against the cavern creatures I do not. Please retrieve your baby so construction can resume.
- bemused
Post by: Larix on July 13, 2013, 02:48:22 am
Dear Moody Urist McArmorer,
There is no adamantine. There never was any adamantine. There will never be any adamantine here. EVER.
It does not matter that you like it. It will NOT appear. So please quit whining, grab some other metal to decorate that piece of steel with, and get on with it!
>:(
Is the armourer actually asking for adamantine specifically(x)? Outside of mods, asking for a specific metal instead of just 'metal bars' _only_ happens for the base material of the artefact, not the decorations, and _only_ if your fort has actually produced bars of that metal already. The armourer probably is missing something else.
(x) while DFHack's showmood is great for checking what the dwarf _will_ ask for, it's important to check their progress in the game itself, by checking the claimed building via 'q' (if the dwarf is stuck waiting for a material, to display the in-game demands) and comparing with the i't'ems inside the workshop (items reserved for the mood should be at the bottom of the item list, with the [TSK] tag next to them).
Post by: Oaktree on July 13, 2013, 03:19:39 pm
Dear Moody Urist McArmorer,
There is no adamantine. There never was any adamantine. There will never be any adamantine here. EVER.
It does not matter that you like it. It will NOT appear. So please quit whining, grab some other metal to decorate that piece of steel with, and get on with it!
>:(
Is the armourer actually asking for adamantine specifically(x)? Outside of mods, asking for a specific metal instead of just 'metal bars' _only_ happens for the base material of the artefact, not the decorations, and _only_ if your fort has actually produced bars of that metal already. The armourer probably is missing something else.
(x) while DFHack's showmood is great for checking what the dwarf _will_ ask for, it's important to check their progress in the game itself, by checking the claimed building via 'q' (if the dwarf is stuck waiting for a material, to display the in-game demands) and comparing with the i't'ems inside the workshop (items reserved for the mood should be at the bottom of the item list, with the [TSK] tag next to them).
He was explicitly waiting for adamantine as the initial material. I mistook a steel bar already sitting there as part of the process, but it had no [TSK] tag.
And the fort has produced none. It's a 2x2 embark that has zero spires of that ore available.
Post by: InfinityOrNone on July 13, 2013, 09:30:56 pm
Why do you only channel in a T-D L-R fashion? Particularly when you are channeling a hollow 101 to 121 square?
Post by: jamesadelong on July 13, 2013, 10:29:50 pm
From: Mission Control
RE: The Recent Return of Mission Control
I leave for just a little over a year. A year without me killing and slaughtering you for your mistakes. A year of prosperity. You had all the time in the world to figure out how to work in a professional and non-sucicidal manner. You failed. You have failed not only myself, but your families, the entire kingdom and the world at large. Even the goblins feel a little ashamed.
Remedial action has been taken. Mission control will retake command and you shall be brought back into line.
P.S
You dworfs are going to give me an aneurysm.
Post by: WanderingKid on July 14, 2013, 04:07:26 am
Legendary Hunter and now Legendary Tanner. I appreciate that you tried to help the fortress out.
But why by Bloodied Armok would you make a SINGLE glove? *facepalm*
Post by: WanderingKid on July 14, 2013, 05:35:18 am
I know you're the overfiend and all but for Armok's sake you just dropped a crapload of beer barrels on us in the dump! Yeah, baroness too! The bookkeeper's bloody glasses are found underneat this 'ere stone throne, we think the rest of him is under that pile of chairs over there.
Don't go unforbidding the booze in the dump when you're droppin' more in next time, 'eh?
- Ghost of a hauler
Overfiend: Well... crap. Poor dorfs.
Post by: InfinityOrNone on July 19, 2013, 01:10:06 am
You have a crossbow and there's a pile of bolts less than 40 paces from you. This is your fault. And the berserking waxworker's fault. Mostly yours.
Post by: Maul_Junior on July 19, 2013, 02:04:32 pm
we understand that you're having a lot of fun with bridges that turn into walls, but please understand that if you want a two-part bridge that folds down from either side......and with one side that has access either from across the bridge you just had us take down or from a bridge door that you had us CLOSE........that we cannot really do much.
We're building a new lever to open the door so we can get at the far side of the two-part bridge.
Next time, please plan ahead better.
or just plan ahead.
Thank you for your time,
Urist McHanic
Post by: thoushaltcallmelars on July 19, 2013, 02:41:35 pm
That reservoir is fueled only by seasonal rains. For the love of Armok, will you build the Floodgates BEFORE the water rises enough to suspend construction? And while your at it... BUILD THEM FROM THE RIGHT SIDE INSTEAD OF THE FROM THE LEFT YOU ELF-FOR-BRAINS!
Rather annoyed,
Overseer Lars
Post by: the1337doofus on July 19, 2013, 07:43:10 pm
All, and we mean ALL employees are to work throughout the day, be it simple hauling of stones to mechanics. Just because you've been working nonstop since the beginning of the month does not mean you can laze around while there is work to be done. Now, get back to work you lazy bums, or we shall order the stills to stop.
- Zeh Management
Post by: edgefigaro on July 19, 2013, 07:51:46 pm
I applaud your recent ascention to the highest non-overseer leadership post of the fortress. You must understand, I was fond of your incredibly strong, durable, and fast marksdwarf captain predecessor, but I understand how politics are, and was waiting to see how your tenure would proceed.
Your first request has been for catapult parts.
I also notice that you are weak, frail, but very fast. For you, Urist McMayor, I have created a special squad. I believe that your humble stature may prove to be disarming towards those hostile to the fortress, and wish for you to go and meet them, so that you may broker peace.
Yours Truly
Your Supportive Overseer.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 19, 2013, 10:03:43 pm
Dear Newly Appointed Urist McMayor.Just manually reelect the old one.
I applaud your recent ascention to the highest non-overseer leadership post of the fortress. You must understand, I was fond of your incredibly strong, durable, and fast marksdwarf captain predecessor, but I understand how politics are, and was waiting to see how your tenure would proceed.
Your first request has been for catapult parts.
I also notice that you are weak, frail, but very fast. For you, Urist McMayor, I have created a special squad. I believe that your humble stature may prove to be disarming towards those hostile to the fortress, and wish for you to go and meet them, so that you may broker peace.
Yours Truly
Your Supportive Overseer.
Post by: Larix on July 20, 2013, 02:55:32 am
Heh, i just find murderating a noble simply over _making_ a mandate or demand a massive over-reaction. Now, if someone suffered "justice" as a result of a particularly fiendish or ill-timed mandate, that'd be different...
Post by: Snateraar on July 20, 2013, 06:27:46 am
Don't throw a party when work has to be done. Everyone is hungry and stuck behind walls and you're throwing parties at microcline tables.
Post by: Maul_Junior on July 20, 2013, 10:58:57 am
Post by: Defacto on July 20, 2013, 11:51:21 am
We here at the department of administration understand the importance of proper work enviroments. However, in some cases, the fault really is self-violated. We understand that you want to be properly treated with respect for your profession (building that wall which was supposed to stop the Goblin Siege from walking straight into the fortress), but you must understand, that while cancelling your job because a creature is in the way of the construction space certainly is a valid cause, this really loses its importance when it is you who causes this cancellation. We at the department of administration heavily dislike this unauthorized labor skip, and this offense would have been punished if it wasn't for the fact that a goblin siege came, walked through the hole in the wall, proceeded to walk on top of the finished part of the wall, enter the fortress, killing the fortress militia, and then proceeding to murder everybody.
In the future, please do not step on your work items for the sake of efficency.
Post by: the1337doofus on July 20, 2013, 11:59:18 am
We didn't come into your cavern, so why are you cominAAAAMYLEGAAAAAAAaaaa......
-Doofus McOverseer Cancels Write Stern Letter; Dead.
Post by: Roostre on July 20, 2013, 10:02:06 pm
I doubt that I could have made it more obvious for you. The name "Moldath" was not showing up among the list of residents in Dwarf Therapist and someone was not taking advantage of the ample supply of available beer and liquor, so in my wisdom I saw fit to nickname this gentleman "GODDAMN VAMPIRE" for proper emphasis. I then had you folks seal him away in a tiny glass-walled room the very instant an opportunity arose. GODDAMN VAMPIRE has been on display, clearly labeled, for all in the fortress to see, and his smug defiance of the Grim Reaper for the last three years is proof that he carries the foul taint of the night.
Why did you elect him mayor?
With concern,
- Your Manager
Post by: InfinityOrNone on July 21, 2013, 12:27:19 am
Dear Citizens of Cryptsandals,
I doubt that I could have made it more obvious for you. The name "Moldath" was not showing up among the list of residents in Dwarf Therapist and someone was not taking advantage of the ample supply of available beer and liquor, so in my wisdom I saw fit to nickname this gentleman "GODDAMN VAMPIRE" for proper emphasis. I then had you folks seal him away in a tiny glass-walled room the very instant an opportunity arose. GODDAMN VAMPIRE has been on display, clearly labeled, for all in the fortress to see, and his smug defiance of the Grim Reaper for the last three years is proof that he carries the foul taint of the night.
Why did you elect him mayor?
With concern,
- Your Manager
Dear Overseer,
This shining example of dwarven society is perfect to lead us! He's never tried to drink our booze! That's the true mark of a Dwarven Saint; he thirsts for blood so that we may have his rum!
Yours truly, Urist McAlwaysDrunk
Post by: WanderingKid on July 23, 2013, 12:02:09 am
While I appreciate that your nursing staff needs more work... there is nothing, I repeat nothing, currently unforbidden in the dump pit under the atom smasher. Also, our haulers are currently dumping non-masterwork rock furniture.
What in the blazes possessed you to think that was a 'cool place' to hang out? With the hospital full we really kind of needed you...
-Overfiend
Post by: InfinityOrNone on July 23, 2013, 02:30:31 am
Why did you design the Jeweler's Workshop to be inaccessible from an eastern opening?
Signed, Urist McOverseer
Post by: Larix on July 23, 2013, 02:58:49 am
Yes, i know the hauling never stops. But i had somehow thought that you actually wanted to get some fresh clothes when you stripped and walked over to the clothes stockpile. Of course, before you even arrived there, someone had to drag away the one clothing item you wanted to start your re-equipping with (because, you know, The Hauling Never Stops). I find it utterly baffling that you didn't pick a replacement or just continued with whichever parts of your desired equipment _were_ available but instead just consulted the job list for a totally new occupation - which was of course, one of your beloved hauling jobs (because THNS). And whenever you finished with those jobs, you instantly queued up more hauling (THNS), resulting in the entire hauling force of maybe a dozen dwarfs running around starkers for months, until i freed you all from hauling and patiently waited for almost a month until you finally figured out that maybe, just maybe, you could wear more clothes than a pair of gloves and a single sock.
I'm just glad we don't have any evil extracts, freakish rain or excessively high/low temperatures around here.
(Seriously, all my haulers got interrupted by hauling in their equipment pickup job and _never got new clothes in months_ because they were too busy hauling. This really could use some fixing, like only dropping the old clothes _after_ getting the fresh stuff or making pick up equipment an actual self-maintenance job like eat/drink/sleep which overrides other jobs.)
Post by: 0cu on July 23, 2013, 04:27:52 am
please don't pickup any equipment in the outside when called to arms. Thank you.
Post by: fricy on July 23, 2013, 05:15:30 am
(Seriously, all my haulers got interrupted by hauling in their equipment pickup job and _never got new clothes in months_ because they were too busy hauling. This really could use some fixing, like only dropping the old clothes _after_ getting the fresh stuff or making pick up equipment an actual self-maintenance job like eat/drink/sleep which overrides other jobs.)
The whole clothing code needs some fixing by Toady, in my last fort I tried setting up a powerful cloth industry with the help of the workflow plugin, the idea was to keep a constant supply of new cloths. Result? Every single alcoholic idiot throw away their xshirtsx etc all over the fort and ran to the stockpile to claim a new fresh one. As soon as a new cloth was made it was claimed on the spot, even if the last item they put on was only like a month old.
Grrr, the little idiots need to be told to wear a trouser until it's at least an XtrouserX, and not when it's wear level is only xtrouserx, because it's frustrating as hell. Not to mention that they won't throw them away into the refuse stockpile, but stash it in their room. I don't want to run cleanowned every season...
Post by: Sumyunguy on July 23, 2013, 09:57:18 am
Please detest from partying at -=Rocksalt Table=- when there is more important things to be done, such as closing off the bridge newly breached circus to prevent unwanted clown visits.
The lever is right there after all.
I hate you,
Sumyunguy
Post by: Rainbow_Lizard on July 24, 2013, 03:37:17 am
I realise that you like your overseer and want him/her/it to be as happy as possible. However, I do believe that you are being suspiciously easy on me. I dug out a room for you and put a perfectly normal golden chair in it, but you see that as an opulent throne room? Something makes me suspicious about this. The room has not even been smoothed and features some dirt walls and floors, and there is no other pieces of furniture. Please let me put my interior decorating skills to work, or I shall never forgive myself. If I worked in that room, I would complain that it was empty, boring and dirty. Why are you any different?
-Your loving overseer
P.S. If that is so good, than why isn't your golden-table dining room so bad?
Post by: Maul_Junior on July 25, 2013, 11:29:22 am
MOVE, dammit. you're supposed to be installing a colony in a hive. you're hungry. I've removed all your labors. YOU ARE GOING TO STARVE, YOU COLLOSSAL DUMBASS. You have some skill in woodcrafting. I don't want to lose your stupid ass. you constitute 10% of the fort's current strength. you are our animal trainer.
MOVE YOUR DAMN ASS. there's no reason for you to be standing around while you're perfectly health and in the middle of a labor, god dammit >.<
do I have to figure out dfhack to get you to move?
sincerely, your pissed off Overseer.
Post by: Dirac on July 26, 2013, 02:42:22 am
When I set a stockpile to only accept metal thread and cloth - by which I mean only adamantine thread and cloth, since that is the only metal that is inexplicably and exclusively available in a thread form (which, for the record, is one of the dumbest game design decisions in the history of mankind) - I mean "don't put anything but metal items in that stockpile". Conversely, when I set a stockpile to only accept anything but metal thread and cloth, I mean "don't put my fucking adamantine in that stockpile".
While the concept of "don't put shit where it doesn't belong" may be foreign to you dwarves, it is nonetheless annoying when my hospital staff bogarts the best and rarest weapons-grade material in the game to sew up wounds. Furthermore, if this game had any semblance of realism, doing so would result in blood toxicity and likely kill any dwarf stitched up in such a fashion.
Therefore, I implore you, merry band of shit-for-brains midgets, to stop acting like idiots.
Yours truly,
A very irate overseer
P.S. The countess has killed one person and crippled two in a tantrum. Please tell the hammerer to get off his ass and execute the dumb bitch before she throws another one.
Post by: AutomataKittay on July 26, 2013, 03:01:32 am
To Whom It May Concern,
When I set a stockpile to only accept metal thread and cloth - by which I mean only adamantine thread and cloth, since that is the only metal that is inexplicably and exclusively available in a thread form (which, for the record, is one of the dumbest game design decisions in the history of mankind) - I mean "don't put anything but metal items in that stockpile". Conversely, when I set a stockpile to only accept anything but metal thread and cloth, I mean "don't put my fucking adamantine in that stockpile".
While the concept of "don't put shit where it doesn't belong" may be foreign to you dwarves, it is nonetheless annoying when my hospital staff bogarts the best and rarest weapons-grade material in the game to sew up wounds. Furthermore, if this game had any semblance of realism, doing so would result in blood toxicity and likely kill any dwarf stitched up in such a fashion.
Therefore, I implore you, merry band of shit-for-brains midgets, to stop acting like idiots.
Yours truly,
A very irate overseer
P.S. The countess has killed one person and crippled two in a tantrum. Please tell the hammerer to get off his ass and execute the dumb bitch before she throws another one.
http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/view.php?id=5739
Unfortunate old bug for the metal threads, might have to lock the door to the adamanite :D
Post by: Splint on July 26, 2013, 03:04:01 am
Dear Urist McStuckypants.
MOVE, dammit. you're supposed to be installing a colony in a hive. you're hungry. I've removed all your labors. YOU ARE GOING TO STARVE, YOU COLLOSSAL DUMBASS. You have some skill in woodcrafting. I don't want to lose your stupid ass. you constitute 10% of the fort's current strength. you are our animal trainer.
MOVE YOUR DAMN ASS. there's no reason for you to be standing around while you're perfectly health and in the middle of a labor, god dammit >.<
do I have to figure out dfhack to get you to move?
sincerely, your pissed off Overseer.
Nah, just build colonies one at a time to prevent this sort of thing, otherwise you have to remove the colonies that are unoccupied until the offending job producer is taken down thus rendering the job null.
Post by: Larix on July 26, 2013, 03:04:14 am
Dear Urist McStuckypants.
MOVE, dammit. you're supposed to be installing a colony in a hive. you're hungry. I've removed all your labors. YOU ARE GOING TO STARVE, YOU COLLOSSAL DUMBASS.
Not going to do this IC:
The beekeeper will not starve/dehydrate, they'll break off the attempt when they're hungry/thirsty/tired enough.
Fixing it requires fiddling with the _hive_, i.e. the building - a misdirected hive has a constant, never-clearing job 'get colony from coordinate xyz', which will have priority among all beekeeping jobs. Fortunately, the job can be cleared by the overseer, by setting the hive's 'colony install' option off. If you then let the game run a few steps you can safely re-enable the installation option and the hive will create a new 'install colony in hive' job from scratch, i.e. this time it will actually look for an extant colony.
How-to:
1. open 'j'ob list, scroll down to 'install colony in hive' (it's generally a good way down the list)
2. select the 'install colony...' job which is listed as being carried out by the stuck beekeeper
3. zoom to the 'b'uilding. This is the location where the colony is supposed to be installed, i.e. the hive issuing the faulty job.
NB: Other interactions are either unhelpful (zoom to creature just sends you to the stuck beekeeper) or useless to counterproductive ('r'emove just temporarily frees the beekeeper without fixing the underlying problem, as soon as anyone tries to beekeep again, this is the first job they'll get sent on)
4. set 'c'olony option of the hive off. It may 'take' while paused, i generally let the game run a few steps just to be safe.
5. set 'c'olony option back on.
I've successfully un-stucked dozens of beekeepers this way. It typically only happens while building up the beekeeping industry, because i'm too impatient to always build a single hive, wait for it to be stocked, build the next etc., i just install four to six at once and toggle the messed-up hives afterwards to free stuck beekeepers. It'd still be better if the bugginess got fixed.
PS:
Quote
[problems with adamantine thread stored in 'no metal' stockpiles and non-metal thread/cloth in 'only metal thread' stockpiles]
Unfortunate old bug for the metal threads, might have to lock the door to the adamanite :D
While this doesn't completely prevent the possibility of suturers grabbing strands and using them to turn Urist McBrokenToe into the million-dwarfbuck cheesemaker, you can keep strands off your pigtail cloth stockpiles:
Link a stockpile which doesn't accept cloth/thread (i prefer coin stockpiles, but any non-cloth stockpile works for the purpose) to 'take' from the strand extraction workshop. This way, the workshop's output cannot be sent to _any_ stockpile but this one (it's still accessible to your smelter and dyer's shop) and consequently all processed strands stay in the workshop. Since adamantine strands weigh next to nothing, clutter isn't a problem, you just need to put the workshop close enough to your smelter, because the smelter has to draw the stuff directly from the workshop.
Post by: WillowLuman on July 26, 2013, 01:38:35 pm
Why are you getting so upset about not having clothes? Look, they're right on the floor of your room. Just pick them up when you're done being a berserk monster and I'll let you out of your room.
Post by: Dirac on July 26, 2013, 10:34:28 pm
When you're spooked by an enemy outside the fortress, run inside the fortress. It's really quite simple: don't be an idiot and you won't die. What a concept!
Sincerely,
A very irate Overseer
Post by: Akura on July 27, 2013, 11:34:13 am
Good job with that snatcher. No really, who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are!
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: gabrek on July 27, 2013, 08:02:36 pm
I understand that you felt some small stress being assigned to "Militia Squad 7" and being told you would have to wear mail shirts and leggings indefinitely. Everyone was assigned to these Militia squads, to ensure everyone had nice clothing that wouldn't wear out within a couple of years, and would have something productive to do with their considerable downtime.
You repeatedly came to me with complaints of nudity and worn out clothing, seemingly because every time you went to do anything aside from observing wrestling demonstrations, you would strip to your birthday suit in the middle of the grand hall before wandering, necked, down our long corridors to your room and putting back on your mangled clothing.
The decision to order you to wear your armor as replacements for your civilian clothes was not one I made lightly, and it is unfortunate that someone snagged your mail shirt when you took it off, again, to comply with the order to put on your mail shirt no matter what.
However, your response of throwing a tantrum in the animal training area in front of two score war dogs was a bit rash, and I believe, in this case, were hindsight possible, you may not have done this in front of your husband (who was training one of the dogs in question) and three small children. Ironically, if you had been wearing your assigned mail shirt, I believe the bite which tore off your left arm may have been mitigated. Sadly, this was after you used that hand to punch your 4 year old son in the face, killing him instantly.
Mr. Urist McFarmhand,
Your wife's recent, bizarre actions would push anyone a bit towards the edge. This administration understands that. However, punching your 2 year old daughter in the face, shattering the skull, jamming her skull through her brain, and tearing her brain is not a socially acceptable action.
Dear Orphan McFarmhand,
You have my deepest apologies for the recent tragic loss of your brother and sister. I know you think your parents were involved somehow, but it was actually the warhounds. Your intoxication at the time must have confused you.
Incidentally, you may have noticed you are being addressed as "Orphan" McFarmhand. Unfortunately, the bridge lever to the Volcanic Remover of Ordinance/Materiel (V.R.O.O.M.) was pulled while the members of "Airborne Squad 1" were patrolling its surface. Your parents were the founding and only members of this squad, and their valiant sacrifice will undoubtedly be engraved on our halls for years to come.
Warmest Regards,
-Urist McSecretary
Post by: WanderingKid on July 30, 2013, 09:28:47 pm
I realize you are upset with the necessary amount of impulse elevator testing I'm going through. I know you feel that this is a job unworthy of you.
However, if you continue to assign the dwarf the furthest away from the carts consistently to be the one to push it, making them walk 200+ squares from the magma forges every time the cart's ready, I will be forced to burrow one of your butts next to the minecart. There is nothing in that area except for a water channel of anti-rocking horse, some rocks used for drop chute testing, and the minecart. You WILL be bored. I will NOT give you a bed, food, or booze. Then I will bury your starved butt in a wood coffin above the aquifer.
And if I can figure out which one of you dastardly bearded bastards is eating all my dorfs in the middle of the night, leaving nothing but dried out husks behind, it'll be you I burrow there. No, I'm not willing to look through 150 dwarves to figure it out. You'll get caught eventually... maybe.
-Overfiend.
Post by: gabrek on July 31, 2013, 10:00:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I am undecided about visiting your fine... ...
See, this is part of the problem with your location. I don't even know what it is. A city? A fortress? A hole in the ground, a brothel? What?
I admittedly want to find out what, exactly, was founded by the Fleshy Sack of the Fortunate Staff. Could be a friggin' sperm bank, I don't know.
Was your group named by someone in a fey mood, gone just a whee bit past the point where he could no longer wait for those rough crystal glass chunks? Was your leader masturbating furiously at the time and just said the first thing that came to mind? Was this some attempt at humor gone horribly dirty?
Am i just eating too many plump helmets and my minds finally snapped?
I just took down a camp of 25 goblins with my teeth. But I am quite literally a little afraid to visit your compound.
/sigh
I need a vacation.
-gabrek legendboulders the smoothness of lulling
PS: I've.. considered my own nomenclature. I'm gonna visit.
Weirdest frickin' world gen ever..
Post by: WillowLuman on July 31, 2013, 12:48:38 pm
Dear wolf I bought from the elves,
Good job with that snatcher. No really, who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are!
Sincerely,
Overseer.
I like to think of wolves as 'proto-dogs' :D
Post by: KingBacon on July 31, 2013, 12:53:54 pm
Why do you all have to have wings and why do the ones of you made of vomit survive magma?
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: Splint on July 31, 2013, 01:02:38 pm
Dear Forgotton Beasts of Livinggears,-The following appears to be written in some eldritch language that costs you four bookkeepers before one can translate it before the brown note effect on his mind happens-
Why do you all have to have wings and why do the ones of you made of vomit survive magma?
Sincerely,
Overseer
Simple, because we already defy the laws of nature/your natural order of things.
And because the gods hate your guts. While we find them tasty.
Signed,
Forgotten Beasts of Livinggears
Post by: ElenaRoan on July 31, 2013, 10:41:09 pm
While I have nothing against progressive parenting and bringing your baby to work with you, are you sure that leaving your baby in the slice and dice room where a dozen or so warlocks have just been executed is particularly wise?
- bemused overseer
Post by: WanderingKid on August 02, 2013, 12:42:28 am
I realize you're put off by authority and tradition. I also realize you're not excited about having made a few hundred copper buckets to become skilled in your trade of blacksmithing. However, that does not excuse EVERY masterwork statue you forge being the killing of a dwarf.
We have slain forgotten beasts. We have beat off four sieges. Our vampire king of dwarves is here and we have become the mountainhome. Pick another topic you disturbed little dorf or I'm going to magma wash you.
-Overfiend
P.S. Stop crying over the melting of your masterworks. I don't care how pretty they are. If a dwarf is dying in them, they're scrap metal.
Post by: Splint on August 02, 2013, 01:41:41 am
"Remember the statues little Urist? That's what happens when you don't pay attention to what the overseer says. or if you join the army and forget to wear your boots. Y'know, whichever."
Post by: Yerv on August 02, 2013, 12:09:28 pm
I gave you one job, make a stone door, there were tons of rocks left from the carving, and you decided to go down, deep into the mining area of all places and pull out a stone, to you it's pristine, but to me it's just another rock, stop complaining about the pain in your back, you walked up the fifty flights of stairs with that huge rock, not me.
-Yerv, Overseer.
Post by: Akura on August 02, 2013, 12:21:07 pm
Sadly, the wolf was killed in a goblin ambush. Then the elves sold me a dingo. Strangely enough, most of my deaths have been babies so far.Dear wolf I bought from the elves,
Good job with that snatcher. No really, who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are!
Sincerely,
Overseer.
I like to think of wolves as 'proto-dogs' :D
Post by: flame99 on August 02, 2013, 12:30:32 pm
Post by: gabrek on August 04, 2013, 10:30:42 pm
While I appreciate the dozens of beds you've made, and that spectacular floodgate which I will most certainly use just as soon as I find a flood I wish gated off, I would appreciate that stack of orders for a dozen wheelbarrows to be processed.
Everyone needs breaks. I know. But when you are on break for so long that you must immediately eat, drink, and sleep afterwards, and then are so exhausted by feeding yourself that you go on break again, it may be a bit excessive.
Your fellow dorfs have started to complain, as you just happen to be lounging around in the dining hall by which they are having to carry, by hand, thousands of units of rough stone for dumping.
I saw an engraving in a stall in the men's room, masterfully done of a XXwooden wheelbarrowXX built by Urist McTired. In it is the mutilated body of Urist McLegendaryCarpenter. The dwarves are dumping the body into the garbage chute.
Do yourself a favor man and just make the damn wheelbarrows. It'll take you all of an hour.
Concerned,
-Urist McSecretary
Post by: WanderingKid on August 04, 2013, 11:35:55 pm
You like flasks, so I liked you. You've got some amazing apartment going. I didn't mind when you ate the haulers.
You just ate a swordlord.
My good noble... it is time you were done with this mortal coil. You ARE the weakest link. Goodbye.
-Overfiend.
Post by: Rainbow_Lizard on August 04, 2013, 11:43:13 pm
I'll be honest I didn;t suspect you were a vampire until a dwarf was found deprived of blood in his quarters. I know you need to feed on people and you know this is illegal, but if you're going to assign yourself a fake name, don't make it 'Kordam Kordamthel'. That's along the lines of Stan Stanmanson or John Johnson. Please be better at hiding next time.
-Your loving overseer
Post by: Yerv on August 05, 2013, 01:24:25 am
Stop acting like your in a coma, we destroyed your beds, you went from one bed to another, and now you just lay on the ground. At least move out of the baroness role and stop throwing coma tantrums.
Post by: WanderingKid on August 05, 2013, 02:02:00 am
Dear Urist McComafake.
Stop acting like your in a coma, we destroyed your beds, you went from one bed to another, and now you just lay on the ground. At least move out of the baroness role and stop throwing coma tantrums.
You recently fight a FB? Sounds like a syndrome.
Post by: Yerv on August 05, 2013, 09:59:42 am
No, he just went into my hospital, laid down and stayed there, I destroyed the hospital trying to get him out of his fake coma. He has only a single injury on his left hand, a small cut from a goblin swordsman.Dear Urist McComafake.
Stop acting like your in a coma, we destroyed your beds, you went from one bed to another, and now you just lay on the ground. At least move out of the baroness role and stop throwing coma tantrums.
You recently fight a FB? Sounds like a syndrome.
Post by: dresdor on August 05, 2013, 10:31:23 am
I understand we have lots of food, and that our food stockpile is full. However, over half of it is full of single units of fish. You know what else is full? The fields....they are full of withering plants. You know what else is full? The Carpenter's shop....its full of beautiful barrels. Pick up the damned barrel, throw all the fish in it, then pick up another barrel and get the plants before they whither. THAT"S IT, GOBLIN CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED!
Sincerely
The guy trying to keep you fed and clothed.
Post by: Grim Portent on August 05, 2013, 04:53:31 pm
Now you know I have a great deal of respect for you. You soldiers have served well and defeated several ambushes. You wield weapons and wear armour taken from goblins you killed with your bare hands. So why is it that a single tied up goblin thief badly wounded six of you? Seriously lads you've wrestled cave ogres! One of you even bit one! How can a single goblin with a butterknife hurt you! It got one of your noses!
Respectfully
Your supreme overlord
Post by: Imp on August 05, 2013, 08:53:35 pm
Had no real expectation of fooling you, Boss. Heard you can read minds, see through walls, all kinds of otherstuff and that's just easy for you; if you work at it heard you can do darn near anything.
So I had no intention of even coming within 43 Urists of the fortress you claimed. It just happened. I swear, day after day I thought to myself, right, I'm never going there, never.
Then suddenly your fortress is what I can see ahead, along with a good number of other dwarves around me, none of whom I'd ever laid eyes on before. Did I travel with them? Seems I can't remember anything about the trip or any dangers we may have passed. That's some mighty and mighty strange power you got there, Boss, just glad you decided not to let those dangers see us, like you didn't let us see them. Seeing as how I never intended to come here, must be your will that brought me in with the rest, no? Well, think about it some, and if you find out who it was if it wasn't you, well know that they're my enemy too, even more than yours maybe. After all, I don't want to be here any more than you want me here, but here I am regardless.
So here's the thing. Seems it's only sleeping folks who tempt me; I find I can go years without ever even looking twice as one of my fellows - so long as they are able to look twice at me. If you want, grant me a burrow that doesn't include any sleeping quarters, maybe not the hospital either. Heck, give me full run of the rest of the fortress, and so long as everyone sticks to the places they should sleep you'll find me one of your loyalest workers; I won't even go on break. Would be good for you and me both though if you used some of that power to occasionally knock out a chicken or something, and give me a bit of a break to keep me limber and fast, if you know what I mean.
Oh, and about the name you asked about... You know you'd find me. I knew you'd find me. And I can't even seem to get out of sight of the area you control, so. Just consider that another sign of respect, Boss. I hoped to keep this on a loving and friendly level after all, and I knew your eyes would be on me, sooner or later. Just another way of showing you respect.
Urist McBloodsucker, or any other name you want to call me.
Seems like long as you're calling me names, I'm still alive.
And that suits me just fine, Boss.
Post by: WanderingKid on August 06, 2013, 01:01:07 am
Post by: WillowLuman on August 06, 2013, 02:01:54 am
Post by: Baffler on August 06, 2013, 05:01:09 pm
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Minkot Strappedtour, Herbalist
I believe congratulations are in order.
When you arrived as a Master Herbalist I admit I didn't have very high expectations for you, hence your assignment to the hauling teams. But you have shattered all my doubts about you. When the fortress succumbed to madness and the security system sealed off the kitchens, and thereby the food storage (I accept full responsibility for this, by the way) your skills were the only thing that kept the fort alive. As your former comrades went mad and threw themselves to their deaths at the hand of the fortress militia or into our once glorious fountains, you soldiered on gathering herbs from the surface, braving the local fauna and the blazing sun. And when the dust finally settled and all the bodies were buried you were one of only four remaining dwarves, and the only surviving civilian.
In light of your distinguished service to the fortress of Torchdagger and The Bearded Axe it is with great pride that I bestow upon you the title of "Honored." You will receive the old Baron's Chambers and your own personal supply of your favorite fisher berry wine for life. In addition, you are hereby relieved of all duties and are free to pursue your hobby of herbalism at will.
Yours,
The Administration
Post by: Grim Portent on August 06, 2013, 08:24:58 pm
It saddens me to say this, but after the decimation of the squad and the death of many of our citizens in a recent ambush I have decided to disband your squad. This is not a punishment for your failings, it is a sign of respect for your fallen commander. She will be remembered. I hereby instruct you to join the Fortress Guard and resume training. Do not worry, our smiths labour day and night to forge adamantine arms and amour. When we are ready, you will be called back into full service.
Regards
Your Supreme Overlord
-------------------------------------------
Fort got shot to bits due to a design flaw after I turtled up to avoid getting more goblinite to sort through and I had to unleash my militia through a small hole I made in the wall, seven wounded dwarfs, only 4 with any training against 14 goblins wasn't a pretty sight. 3 dead dwarfs, 12 dead goblins. Lost the best fighters I had to that since my gear was being phased out and the squad uniform was a mess.
Post by: WanderingKid on August 06, 2013, 08:59:26 pm
So, the first thing that happens once you're released from jail? You eat someone. AdmiredMansions doesn't care about little things like 'reasonable doubt' or 'circumstantial evidence'. There is a lever in the back of the minecart grinder. It's time for you to pull that lever, lad.
-Overfiend.
Post by: wierd on August 06, 2013, 09:21:18 pm
It has come to my attention that you have somehow lost your right foot. Considering that the only means available by which this could concievably have occured is through a training mishap, and the fact that the foot is nowhere to be found, leads me to suspect that either you are grossly incompetent at the axelord training drills that have been instituted, or you have been finding ways to go play with the giant peregrine falcon people outside, despite the fortress being completely sealed.
By all means, I am VERY pleased that you have not only gotten accustomed to tradgedy, but also don't really care about anything anymore, I would like to point out that fortress security is EVERYONE'S responsibility. If you have been sneaking out of the fortress somehow, it is your civic duty to make an announcement of this fact, so that your loving overseer can properly seal the breach you were using to do so. You don't want an invading horde of crundles in your bedroom do you? Of course you don't.
While the loss of your foot does pose certain liabilities, your primary responsibility at this point is as a member of the proletariot, a duty to which even quadrupal amputeeism will be uninhibited by. I would however, greatly appreciate it if you would be more careful in your drills. No, you will not be removed from the training roster.
I understand that some unruly members of the fortress have expressed concern over the immediate deployment of actual axes for axe training demonstrations, and not the deployment of completely useless wooden training axes. While the risks of training accidents are substantially higher, this practice also ensure that should a *real* threat to the fortress arrive, such as a forgotten beast, or a wandering giant, that you and your fellow dwarven procreation units will not errantly attempt to fell such beasts using a polished 2x4, instead of an actual axe, as I am sure you will have considerable difficulty telling them apart in the great haste of the emergency.
Remember, the best and brightest of your progeny will inherit the fortress, and the primary purpose for your current military training is to provide the best possible education to the surviving offspring you will produce, for the betterment and glory of the dwarven master race. This means your primary responsibilites are to not die or otherwise disable yourselves while training, and to produce as many vibrant and healthy children as possible.
Getting limbs removed does not satisfy either of those goals. Please avoid having this happen in the future.
Yours in armok's will, your loving and devoted overseer.
Post by: Somanarga on August 07, 2013, 12:09:31 am
When we assign cats and kittens to slaughter, its not because they have 'nowhere to go' or they're in 'dire need of love and attention'.
Regardless, you have taken it upon yourself to adopt 7 'needy' kittens. A noble gesture indeed, and though I'm sure they were all grateful to find a home over the course of that fateful week, you have done naught but play with them in the dining hall over the course of your month long 'break'.
As such, we have decided to redirect your schedule for the coming week. You'll find the new orders in your quarters. Yes, its that lever next to the volcano.
Yours truly,
The Management.
Post by: the1337doofus on August 09, 2013, 11:41:15 am
It's a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish. And it's a milkfish at that. What's it going to do, stupid look you to death? Stop getting spooked by it and do your.... whatever it is you do at the water.
- The management
PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.
Post by: Akura on August 09, 2013, 01:08:19 pm
I realize that you've got a perpetual stomach flu due to that forgotten beast's noxious fumes being truly "noxious". I don't mind that you're vomiting everywhere, as you are a valuable soldier then the call to arms is raised. However, I do mind that your vomitus is clogging the combat logs, and I am someone who compulsively opens them every time that "R" appears in the corner of the screen.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.Nothing you can do about eating, but you can disallow cooking from the z->Kitchen menu.
Post by: Serefan on August 10, 2013, 08:42:17 am
It's a single goblin drowning in a moat. Stop making a fuss about it and get back to work.
Post by: flame99 on August 10, 2013, 08:58:49 am
Dear Dwarves;Dear Overseer,
It's a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish. And it's a milkfish at that. What's it going to do, stupid look you to death? Stop getting spooked by it and do your.... whatever it is you do at the water.
- The management
PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.
What're ye, an elf er somethen? If'n yer sober 'nuff ta tell what the Armok anythin' is, then yer not a trew dwerf! Get back ta drinken', 'fore I throw ye ta that "Milkfish", whech if ye were drunk, ye could tell was cleerly a beg old DEMON!
Post by: the1337doofus on August 10, 2013, 11:36:19 am
If the rock is roaring, or has little bits of cloak sticking out of it: DON'T MINE IT.
It's a trap!
-Admiral Doofbar
Post by: Dunkelzahn on August 10, 2013, 12:52:28 pm
how... just how!
how did you end up placing us here
at the top of a mountain, right next to the volcano!
Post by: Ora_the_Owlish on August 10, 2013, 01:57:23 pm
I know you're new to the service. That's why the overseer assigned you to training; that and the fact that we've got all the lye we need, no matter what the Mountainhome told you. But I digress. Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates. The ogre was unconscious from the pain, completely surrounded by fortifications. I left you with a full quiver and a live ogre, and I returned to find you an ammo-less dwarf, the ogre still quietly moaning in pain. I don't know what happened. Maybe you really did miss every single shot; maybe you thought the bolts were your rations and ate them. Whatever. You'll be pleased to know that I've sent an application to the overseer to have your assignment changed.
I hope you like hauling!
Sincerely,
Your Commanding Officer
(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)
Post by: Dunkelzahn on August 10, 2013, 02:54:34 pm
stay away from my bags! i need those for seeds!
oh and drop my wheel burrows! you don't even NEED wheel burrows!
Post by: Larix on August 10, 2013, 04:54:47 pm
Dear Urist McCrossbowdorf,
Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates.
(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)
Erm... no. Just no. A _good_ archer is not guaranteed to kill an unconscious horse with a full quiver of bolts. An ogre is ten times the size of a horse(*). If you think that marksdwarf is bad, your expectations are just a tiny little bit unreasonable.
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
Post by: AutomataKittay on August 11, 2013, 03:40:40 am
Dear Urist McCrossbowdorf,
Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates.
(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)
Erm... no. Just no. A _good_ archer is not guaranteed to kill an unconscious horse with a full quiver of bolts. An ogre is ten times the size of a horse(*). If you think that marksdwarf is bad, your expectations are just a tiny little bit unreasonable.
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
And on top of it, archers usually kills by bleeding things out or making them fall over in pain long enough for the melee dwarves to come in. Only instant-kills I've seen are against kobold-sized things and rarely goblin/dwarf sized and they're that small. And have brains that they depends on.
Post by: WillowLuman on August 12, 2013, 12:17:00 am
Post by: itg on August 12, 2013, 12:21:13 am
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
No, picks are actually really good for headshots. I've never actually seen a pick hit the head and not tear the brain.
Post by: Greiger on August 12, 2013, 09:09:53 am
A mace can't stab through a skull either. But a mace is still pretty capable of hitting the skull's puree button.
Post by: Larix on August 12, 2013, 02:03:01 pm
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
No, picks are actually really good for headshots. I've never actually seen a pick hit the head and not tear the brain.
For foes up to ~horses and cows, yes, but for ogres? Didn't work like that for my miners - all master+ and they got 20+ headshots on an unconscious ogre, not one of which was fatal. Well over a dozen 'shattering the skull' hits, no brain damage. It bled to death from severed arteries.
Might be the ugly 'bone fully absorbs force when breaking, fully transmits force when not' bug that makes punches so deadly.
And for a marksdwarf trying to _shoot_ an ogre, that's still not very relevant, because even if a headshot _can_ instakill an ogre (which i'm not sold on), hit locations in ranged combat are always random.
Post by: WillowLuman on August 12, 2013, 02:17:36 pm
Post by: blazing glory on August 13, 2013, 04:47:27 am
please stop sending migrants our way
sincerly someone who wants to have beer
(ps mcking might seem like a sort of bleep but it is in mc king)
Post by: itg on August 13, 2013, 04:57:56 am
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
No, picks are actually really good for headshots. I've never actually seen a pick hit the head and not tear the brain.
For foes up to ~horses and cows, yes, but for ogres? Didn't work like that for my miners - all master+ and they got 20+ headshots on an unconscious ogre, not one of which was fatal. Well over a dozen 'shattering the skull' hits, no brain damage. It bled to death from severed arteries.
Might be the ugly 'bone fully absorbs force when breaking, fully transmits force when not' bug that makes punches so deadly.
Huh. Maybe it's a question of materials? I think my miners have killed ogres with headshots before. They've definitely brained a couple dozen forgotten beasts, at any rate. Edit: They're using steel or adamantine picks, by the way.
dear urist mcking
please stop sending migrants our way
sincerly someone who wants to have beer
(ps mcking might seem like a sort of bleep but it is in mc king)
Capitalization, my friend. "McKing" is unambiguous and would have saved you a full sentence of clarification.
Post by: Larix on August 13, 2013, 05:22:12 am
dear urist mcking
please stop sending migrants our way
sincerly someone who wants to have beer
(ps mcking might seem like a sort of bleep but it is in mc king)
You can send this message to the game and it will be acknowledged and respected:
Dwarf Fortress - subdirectory "data" - subdirectory "init" - edit file "dinit" (*.txt under windows), set "population_cap" to whatever you find acceptable. Ta-da! no migrants once you're past the threshold.
I think it's even easier with DFHack or LNP.
The game effectively assumes that as long as you haven't reached the cap yet, you're sending every liaison home with a Note to Urist:
Dear Urist McKing,
Please please please send more migrants! We are in desperate need of extra beards to battle this horribly tasty beer flood.
<3, Urist McFortressoverseer
Post by: PDF urist master on August 13, 2013, 01:36:42 pm
one of them ran into my dragon chamber and got instantly obliterated, along with the chain holding the dragon.
the war dragon then proceeded to help by blowing dragonfire onto the prisoners... in my main hallway
Post by: hiroshi42 on August 13, 2013, 02:40:50 pm
You have diplomatic immunity (in theory) with the members of this fortress, not the titans, megafauna, undead, goblins, and undead goblins. It has always been a minor annoyance but recently your suicidal tendencies have become worrying. In the past 10 years in two forts no less than five of you have met an untimely death not caused or desired by me.
PS HFS is not an appropriate exit to the fortress, the fact that you use it as one has some unfortunate implications.
Post by: flame99 on August 13, 2013, 07:14:18 pm
Dear Urist McThirsty,
I have just started construction of a large basin, complete with drainage pipe. You have entered this basin, walked right past the mechanics hooking up the floodgates you see in front of you now. These lead to the drainage pipe. The truly hilarious part is that fact that you have been "Complaining about the lack of a well." This basin's main purpose is to give us a well, and you're going to get a real good view of its first test. You have no in-fort relatives or friends, and your only skill is novice cheesemaker. Goodbye.
Sincerely,
Your Unseen Ruler
Post by: blazing glory on August 13, 2013, 09:34:48 pm
i don't really want to change the populace cap i will just try to tough it out (ps there is a seige in progress i think the populace could do with a little trimming)dear urist mcking
please stop sending migrants our way
sincerly someone who wants to have beer
(ps mcking might seem like a sort of bleep but it is in mc king)
You can send this message to the game and it will be acknowledged and respected:
Dwarf Fortress - subdirectory "data" - subdirectory "init" - edit file "dinit" (*.txt under windows), set "population_cap" to whatever you find acceptable. Ta-da! no migrants once you're past the threshold.
I think it's even easier with DFHack or LNP.
The game effectively assumes that as long as you haven't reached the cap yet, you're sending every liaison home with a Note to Urist:
Dear Urist McKing,
Please please please send more migrants! We are in desperate need of extra beards to battle this horribly tasty beer flood.
<3, Urist McFortressoverseer
Post by: the1337doofus on August 14, 2013, 04:09:08 pm
You, my dear, are a pegasus. Therefore, you should, logically, be able to fly. To the question of why you're simply sitting on top of this newly constructed roof, panicking, escapes me. Please get down from there.
-Your loving Mayor of GlitterWeave, Doof
Dear Swamp, Chief Of Security of Maw;
Why, exactly, did you decide to fight the mirelurk which was all the way across the map? Now you're immobile and in a coma, and completely useless.
Get well soon, preferably with newfound common sense
-Overcolt Doof
Post by: mate888 on August 15, 2013, 02:39:37 pm
I don't think that sleeping when the first trade caravan cames, and running away from the liason when you are the only trader in the fort, is a logic behaveiour, now, for your fault, we will not have nothing to make our Dorfs happy for the next year!
Dear Urtista Mc Strangemood:
Please, is not normal having a strange mood at 18 years old, but my complains are that you are needing stuff that we don't have! I slaugther Urtits Mc Zoophiliac's dog for your stupid leather cape!
And also mr.Kobold Koboldson: Please, stop coming to steal our stuff! There where 2 axedorfs that chased you to your camp, killing a total of 5 Kobolds and being hrrobly raped by your kin. Please, they would trade with you if you asked, but you are draining my military slowly.
Sincerly,
Armok, your lord.
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 15, 2013, 09:08:41 pm
You just made an artifact robe. With images of two Necromancer books on it. Are you trying to tell us something? Either way, we're watching you...scum.
The Overseer of Sackrooter
Post by: wierd on August 15, 2013, 09:18:55 pm
You have my deepest, and heartfelt apologies! Having seen first hand the fashion in which you administrate our humble fortress, I really did think you would appreciate and love this unique piece of dwarven craftsmanship. It was the next best thing I could provide, aside from a robe from an actual necromancer. I know that such an item would probably have pleased you more, but it is against our code of ethics to take trophies from kills, as I am sure you understand.
Instead, I did my very best to give you a uniquely stylish and artifact quality article of clothing that can be worn over a set of armor, so that you could assign it to the captain of the guard to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies, as well as afford him a lovely x3 defensive bonus for the clothing layer.
I really did think you would be elated with this item, that I fully burned out the inner spark of my dwarven soul to create for you. You have no idea how heartbroken I am that you aren't happy with it. I'd offer to do better next time, but we both know that once the spark is gone, it never comes back.
Please accept my most humble, and sincere apologies.
Urist McClothier
Post by: dresdor on August 15, 2013, 09:41:24 pm
I understand that being the only one of the seven hammerdwarves to survive the assault to retake the fortress is stressful. I know having your lover going mad running through the fortress babbling is probably a lot to handle....but you were doing good. The ghosts had even stopped for a little bit, after the twelfth memorial was placed. You had plenty of food and drink, and the undead hordes were safely sealed outside the fort.
So why did you randomly die? You were HAPPY even, had a legendary bedroom and dining room all to yourself. Sure, it was hard having constant reminders that everyone you knew and loved were dead. Especially with your psychic knowledge that they were rotting away on the surface world, but hey....remember that necormancer siege that came and killed all the migrants that came in the fall? No corporeal undead came near you.
Oh well, guess you're one of the hundreds of undead now infesting that fortress. Shame the sealed off cavern bugged out on my next reclaim, I really liked the way that fort was laid out.
-The Cruel Overseer who wanted to see you go all Urist.
Post by: Akura on August 16, 2013, 12:34:36 pm
Dear Urist McSuspicious,Lock in room, dump corpses from above. If zombies, flood with magma.
You just made an artifact robe. With images of two Necromancer books on it. Are you trying to tell us something? Either way, we're watching you...scum.
The Overseer of Sackrooter
Post by: masterdiscord on August 16, 2013, 01:34:28 pm
Quote
dear kea'sThis is why I "slayrace kea" whenever I have that problem. Seriously. It's a parrot. How the hell is it going to fly off with a WHEELBARROW? A gem, a trinket, a piece of clothing I could understand. But a WHEELBARROW? Marble blocks are irritating as well. Why isn't there a weight restriction?
stay away from my bags! i need those for seeds!
oh and drop my wheel burrows! you don't even NEED wheel burrows!
Post by: WillowLuman on August 16, 2013, 02:28:56 pm
Post by: wierd on August 16, 2013, 02:33:57 pm
I usualy have problems getting 5 fingered by rhesus macaques though. Come in troupes, and raid the trade depot.
Little kleptos.
Post by: WillowLuman on August 16, 2013, 03:11:09 pm
buzzards
monkeys (they all do it)
keas
Post by: dresdor on August 16, 2013, 07:34:24 pm
So....you thought it was a good idea to bum rush a group of undead without your weapons or armor...
Enjoy doing the thriller dance.
Sincerely, your overseer, who just doesn't care anymore.
Post by: flame99 on August 16, 2013, 07:40:12 pm
Dead Urists McdeadsquadI think that "Doesn't really care about anything anymore" is the standard mode for a DF player. After all, pretty much no one cares one a dwarf dies.
So....you thought it was a good idea to bum rush a group of undead without your weapons or armor...
Enjoy doing the thriller dance.
Sincerely, your overseer, who just doesn't care anymore.
Post by: mate888 on August 16, 2013, 09:16:35 pm
Why did you think that smashing a Werelemur with a crossbow, when you had your quiver perfectly full of bolts? And at least you could smash him in the sipne, the face or something, but, in the foot? IN THE F*KING FOOT?!
Also, Dear Elves Mc Hippies:
If there are THREE Werelemur killing all of the dwarfs on the fortress you came to trade with, you shouldn't just stay watching him killing them and charging to you, you doomed the fortress and yourself... And why? Because of the wooden walls?
Angry, Armok.
PS: Why are you black but redheaded? You dye your hair or you just fucked with an autmun tree?
Post by: dresdor on August 16, 2013, 09:17:58 pm
Dead Urists McdeadsquadI think that "Doesn't really care about anything anymore" is the standard mode for a DF player. After all, pretty much no one cares one a dwarf dies.
So....you thought it was a good idea to bum rush a group of undead without your weapons or armor...
Enjoy doing the thriller dance.
Sincerely, your overseer, who just doesn't care anymore.
I care....a little at least....okay, you're right I gladly send them to their dwarfy doom when I get bored.
Post by: wierd on August 16, 2013, 09:38:46 pm
PS: Why are you black but redheaded? You dye your hair or you just fucked with an autmun tree?
To Armok,
God of profane and relentless bloodshed
We, the elves of (unintelligable swirly gibberish), take GREAT offence at your rather LEWD accusation of sexual inpropriety on our part!
We will have you know, in the most stern words we feel proper to use (being opposed to violence in any form!), that any such profane rumors about how we go about naming our favored trees in our sacred groves in no way, shape, or form involves any of the lurid and blasphemous acts that and your diminutive, tree murdering savages so relentlessly accuse us of!
If you MUST know why some of us have rust colored hair, despite being darkened by the gentle caress of the brilliant sun, it is because our sacred pact with nature forbids us to harm our animal brothers and sisters, and as a consequence, many of us have developed kwashiorkor (http://tmcr.usuhs.mil/tmcr/chapter16/Kwashiorkor.htm), and make use of clever, tight fitting bodices to conceal the bloated deformities it causes in our midrifts. Try as we might, but we just can't get enough protien from muckroots, prickle berries, and ropereeds.
Now that we have sated your PURILE curiosity on this matter, we expect that you will cease spreading such slanderous drivel about our peace loving people!
-- the Elven nation of (incomprehensible swirlies)
Post by: WillowLuman on August 16, 2013, 10:08:14 pm
Post by: wierd on August 16, 2013, 10:19:07 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on August 16, 2013, 10:22:39 pm
Post by: flame99 on August 16, 2013, 10:31:52 pm
"Mommy, where's grandpa now?"
"In your digestive track, honey."
Post by: WillowLuman on August 16, 2013, 11:23:09 pm
"Bring out yer dead!"
*The elves all put on "U" bibs and hold forks & knives.*
Post by: wierd on August 16, 2013, 11:40:41 pm
More like bamboo kebab skewers and chopsticks. Possibly a roasting spit.
Post by: WillowLuman on August 16, 2013, 11:50:32 pm
Post by: wierd on August 16, 2013, 11:56:13 pm
I assure you, wooden tablewear wouldn't work for much more than plates. Just look at how ineffectual their (ahem) "swords" are.
Post by: WillowLuman on August 17, 2013, 12:02:21 am
Post by: InfinityOrNone on August 17, 2013, 01:10:53 am
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miyamoto_Musashi
Post by: WillowLuman on August 17, 2013, 02:03:39 am
Post by: acetech09 on August 17, 2013, 02:11:54 am
OK, I'm fine with ragging on elves (along with burning them, murdering them, torturing them, imprisoning them within a mountain for all eternity, devouring their children, forcing them to listen to audio-recordings of Atlas Shrugged...), but the whole, "Wooden swords are worthless," thing kinda pisses me off. Case in point:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miyamoto_Musashi
Remember, these are elven wood swords we're talking about. On a much, much lower level than anything during japanese feudal times.
Post by: flame99 on August 17, 2013, 02:25:38 am
OK, I'm fine with ragging on elves (along with burning them, murdering them, torturing them, imprisoning them within a mountain for all eternity, devouring their children, forcing them to listen to audio-recordings of Atlas Shrugged...), but the whole, "Wooden swords are worthless," thing kinda pisses me off. Case in point:Well, it's a simple fact that all elves issue forth a "Pansy Cloud" that makes all weapons wielded by them utterly ineffective.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miyamoto_Musashi
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 17, 2013, 05:16:17 pm
Dear Overseer,
You have my deepest, and heartfelt apologies! Having seen first hand the fashion in which you administrate our humble fortress, I really did think you would appreciate and love this unique piece of dwarven craftsmanship. It was the next best thing I could provide, aside from a robe from an actual necromancer. I know that such an item would probably have pleased you more, but it is against our code of ethics to take trophies from kills, as I am sure you understand.
Instead, I did my very best to give you a uniquely stylish and artifact quality article of clothing that can be worn over a set of armor, so that you could assign it to the captain of the guard to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies, as well as afford him a lovely x3 defensive bonus for the clothing layer.
I really did think you would be elated with this item, that I fully burned out the inner spark of my dwarven soul to create for you. You have no idea how heartbroken I am that you aren't happy with it. I'd offer to do better next time, but we both know that once the spark is gone, it never comes back.
Please accept my most humble, and sincere apologies.
Urist McClothier
Well...okay then. I'll accept that. I would say back to work churning out Masterwork Socks, but it was a possession. Carry on!
The Overseer
Post by: JustAVoice on August 17, 2013, 08:08:16 pm
When planting seeds, is it really necessary to take the WHOLE BARREL with you?
Sincerely, your starving fortress.
Post by: WillowLuman on August 17, 2013, 08:24:15 pm
Dear Urist McFarmer,Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
When planting seeds, is it really necessary to take the WHOLE BARREL with you?
Sincerely, your starving fortress.
Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
All because one guy takes the whole barrel.
Post by: gabrek on August 19, 2013, 11:06:09 am
Oftentimes we have members of our society enter strange, trance-like moods, in which their sole purpose becomes to craft some ridiculous trinket, such as the single lead low boot or a microcline bed menacing with spikes of forgotten beast bone and dog soap. This has become an embarrassment to our race that our fey inspirations allow us the ability to make the finest, magical artifacts, and that these rare gifts are wasted on what is essentially garbage (cite: every scepter ever made).
When you withdrew from society, I was thrilled to see you run directly to your place of work and start gathering iron. ... just iron. And immediately started production- no frills, no stones or turkey leather for you.
You produced an iron anvil. Gusgashizbiz Onolthad- "Stokeddeer the Mountainous Crowd." Menacing with spikes of iron. And with an image of .. smooth pebbles in iron..
I appreciate you avoiding the useless and the ridiculous, but we will allow slightly more creativity than that in the future. I'm pretty sure the giant parakeet in the nesting room has made more interesting artifacts than this.
Yers,
Nil Vetekdakost, McNoble
Post by: mek42 on August 19, 2013, 02:10:20 pm
When I want to open the caverns, I ask my miners to dig. I give them the best possible copper picks from Embark with which to do this. On the other hand, when I desire a marvelous feat of engineering, spanning a floor in between two bridges supported only by on or two natural wall tiles, I come to you, my wondrous masons. Have I given you a copper pick? No, as you are not a miner. It is not your job to open the caverns, much less then by laying the first block of floor from the bridge, not the wall, and trying to hold it in place as it, and thence yourself, plummets clear down into the magma sea.
Post by: mate888 on August 19, 2013, 03:38:38 pm
Allrigth, sorry, sorry.
PS: Why are you black but redheaded? You dye your hair or you just fucked with an autmun tree?
To Armok,
God of profane and relentless bloodshed
We, the elves of (unintelligable swirly gibberish), take GREAT offence at your rather LEWD accusation of sexual inpropriety on our part!
We will have you know, in the most stern words we feel proper to use (being opposed to violence in any form!), that any such profane rumors about how we go about naming our favored trees in our sacred groves in no way, shape, or form involves any of the lurid and blasphemous acts that and your diminutive, tree murdering savages so relentlessly accuse us of!
If you MUST know why some of us have rust colored hair, despite being darkened by the gentle caress of the brilliant sun, it is because our sacred pact with nature forbids us to harm our animal brothers and sisters, and as a consequence, many of us have developed kwashiorkor (http://tmcr.usuhs.mil/tmcr/chapter16/Kwashiorkor.htm), and make use of clever, tight fitting bodices to conceal the bloated deformities it causes in our midrifts. Try as we might, but we just can't get enough protien from muckroots, prickle berries, and ropereeds.
Now that we have sated your PURILE curiosity on this matter, we expect that you will cease spreading such slanderous drivel about our peace loving people!
-- the Elven nation of (incomprehensible swirlies)
*cough*treehumpingbastards*cough*
Post by: DreamCarver on August 19, 2013, 05:22:03 pm
Dear Urist McFarmer,
When planting seeds, is it really necessary to take the WHOLE BARREL with you?
Sincerely, your starving fortress.
This is my ultimate pet peeve in DF. There is not a single moment of unpaused gameplay where the cancellation messages cease.
Post by: mek42 on August 19, 2013, 08:58:23 pm
Dear Urist McFarmer,
When planting seeds, is it really necessary to take the WHOLE BARREL with you?
Sincerely, your starving fortress.
This is my ultimate pet peeve in DF. There is not a single moment of unpaused gameplay where the cancellation messages cease.
I believe that Toady is trying to weed out those of us unworthy of playing DF with the new hauling container system.
Post by: gabrek on August 22, 2013, 08:18:56 am
I realize that you do not wish to be pecked at by our turkey gobbler. Leaping into the volcano though? Do you really feel that strongly about the "Overcrowding of Livestock at Embark Site, Wagon Perched on Rim of Volcano" issue that you'd make yourself a martyr over it?
I should have suspected something was amiss when you parked the wagon on the rim of the volcano.
This fortress did call for a "suicidally reckless" attitude, but you've taken it to extremes.
Ugh. I'd be less befuddled over this if it wasn't the first time the turkey would have pecked you, EVER. You saw it coming and just jumped right in.
...damn magma mist fried the turkey too, the bastard..
-gabrek McFacepalm
Post by: Rakaneth on August 22, 2013, 10:15:57 am
I write this on your coffin to ask you this: what made your maternal instincts so strong that you would dehydrate yourself looking for your child? I specifically ordered the kitchen staff to place food and drink for the prison right in front of you, and they did. I checked. You couldn't see to your own basic needs before crying about your offspring? What remorse I might have felt for your death is somewhat assuaged by the lack of reports of your wailing about being unable to find it. Your child is now in better hands.
Baroness, who sentenced her to prison and thus started this mess:
You put her in prison for a season because she didn't make you any amulets. You realize that she was one of the best craftsdwarves we had? I am beginning to see why other outposts dispose of their nobility quickly.
Other Dwarves,
STOP HAVING CHILDREN ALREADY. I thought I set a strict policy on this, but I lapsed for a single day due to a holiday and suddenly, Dwarf sprogs EVERYWHERE. I can't even send my soldiers to train in the danger room because they are holding their children. You can keep your current children (they'll make wonderful recruits in a few years), but I am once again enforcing a no-child policy.
Regards,
Management
Post by: escondida on August 22, 2013, 10:28:38 am
I understand that that was your best--your only, in fact--pair of shoes. And now they're wet. And I really am sorry. But you'll also note that your fellow settlers have been taking long shifts pumping the water right out from underneath your feet so you can build the wall that will stop the water flow *permanently* so everybody can finally move down to the sweet, cool stone below the aquifer. Now, are you going to stop constantly suspending construction on this project, or am I going to have to assign you to go wrangle that pride of lions that ate the turkeys?
Yours &c.,
The voice of reason
P.S.: I didn't hear you complaining about wet shoes while you were chopping down trees in the rain, you hypocrite.
Post by: Pinstar on August 22, 2013, 11:51:38 am
That Dingo that you just filled with 4 bolts that's very slowly limping away, stopping every few tics to either pass out or vomit? You don't need to stop hunting it just because you ran out of bolts. Just walk up and finish it with the butt of your crossbow...or just kick it a few times. I don't care. It isn't going to put up a fight. Finish what you started and bring its corpse back with you before you go refill on bolts.
Post by: the1337doofus on August 23, 2013, 11:06:17 am
> lions that ate the turkeys
Why do you keep your turkeys outside? Or did the lions get into your fort?
Post by: InfinityOrNone on August 23, 2013, 02:24:48 pm
I fully understand that nobody wants to be forgotten. I also fully understand the anger you feel, what with no memorials to you being made and your body being left to rot in the sun and your death being caused by a bone carver punching your face into hamburger patty.
What I don't understand is why you murdered the dwarf in charge of engraving memorial slabs.
Regards,
Armok
Post by: dresdor on August 23, 2013, 02:48:24 pm
Dear Urist McGhost:
I fully understand that nobody wants to be forgotten. I also fully understand the anger you feel, what with no memorials to you being made and your body being left to rot in the sun and your death being caused by a bone carver punching your face into hamburger patty.
What I don't understand is why you murdered the dwarf in charge of engraving memorial slabs.
Regards,
Armok
Dear Armok,
I didn't like what he was planning on saying about me. I want to be remembered for something good.
Sincerely,
Urist McGhost
Post by: WillowLuman on August 23, 2013, 03:10:50 pm
Oh, that does it! I ne'er liked ye in life, and I don't like ye in death! When I come back from the grave, I'll kill you again! Also everyone else here!
Pissed, Urist McSlabcarver
Post by: escondida on August 23, 2013, 03:45:23 pm
> lions that ate the turkeys
Why do you keep your turkeys outside? Or did the lions get into your fort?
This happened very shortly after embark, before I had the picks and axe forged from the raw materials I brought. Inexplicably, I'd neglected to give the non-grazers temporary, one-sqaure pastures where the wagon used to be, so they were just running around.
Post by: zlob on August 26, 2013, 05:08:04 am
when a crystal forgotten beast that spits webs rushes towards you, don't hesitate to run away.
Also, it would be nice if you cared for civilian alert, Urist McBaby, so I could raise the caverns bridge without sentencing you to death and pushing my legendary spearman into tantrum.
The other thing that I find inappropriate in your behaviour is charging at the aforementioned beast and trying to bash it, having quiver full of iron bolts.
Siege operators, please take a break when you have nothing to do, instead of when there is an urgent need to fire ballistae. It would help us all avoid death in future.
See you next reclaim :)
Yours sincerely
The Player
Post by: the1337doofus on August 26, 2013, 11:44:09 am
Get off
The damn
ROOF.
YOU HAVE WINGS
YOU CAN FLYYYYYYY
GET OFF THE ROOF
-OverColt Doof
Post by: thoushaltcallmelars on August 26, 2013, 02:26:57 pm
The useless children you insist on bringing here with you will be used to train medical dwarves. You have been warned.
Also, your damned unbutcherable pets will be caged and I will find a way to kill them. The macedwarves hunger.
- Overseer Lars
Post by: Gentlefish on August 26, 2013, 09:50:19 pm
Dear Pegasus Mcponi;
Get off
The damn
ROOF.
YOU HAVE WINGS
YOU CAN FLYYYYYYY
GET OFF THE ROOF
-OverColt Doof
Dear Overcolt Doof,
I'm sorry, but I simply can't find a path off this roof. If you could add a ramp, that would be quite helpful in me finding a way off.
Post by: InfinityOrNone on August 26, 2013, 11:40:19 pm
Why do you have a crown made from the nails of a dead dwarf?
-Armok
Post by: WillowLuman on August 26, 2013, 11:53:04 pm
Dear Urist McMigrant,
Why do you have a crown made from the nails of a dead dwarf?
-Armok
Vy do you ask? Do you think zis should make you concerned?
Urist von NotVampire
Post by: GenJeFT on August 27, 2013, 12:01:48 am
While I am very glad that you show an uncommon concern for your fellow Dwarf, will you PLEASE stop chasing Urist McMigrantMason around? He seems to be confused as to what you are doing and you keep interrupting his work which he so willingly took on as soon as he arrived.
I am sure he is perfectly fine.
Dear Urist McMigrantMason
WTF is wrong with you? EVERYTHING is yellow and the carpenter keeps bringing you to the hospital only for you to get right back up again. At which point he chases you around the map until he catches you. While it is amusing to watch I have to ask WTF happend to you? I cant find anything wrong with you anywhere and yet everything but your head is yellow and you dont seem to care.
Your confused overseer.
Post by: InfinityOrNone on August 27, 2013, 12:59:05 am
We are under siege at the moment. We don't have any stone in the fort and, even if we did, we'd have no way to place your slab in the Dead Men's Garden. As such, it would be a better use of your anger to go terrorize some goblins as opposed to murdering your wife.
-Armok
Post by: Pinstar on August 27, 2013, 12:37:05 pm
When I designate a set of rooms to be used for storage or workshops, could you kindly FINISH digging all the tiles in one room before moving to the next? Designating them one at a time is tedious.
Post by: jcochran on August 27, 2013, 01:20:21 pm
When I eliminated all tasks from your schedule when I appointed you broker, it was with the intent that you would arrive at Caravans in a timely fashion. Taking a break.. Why? You have no jobs to take a break from you idiot. Followed by a drink. Why didn't you drink while you were on your much undeserved break?
Please greet caravans in a timely fashion in the future.
Thank you,
Overseer in search of magma swimming volunteers.
Post by: aiseant on August 28, 2013, 04:07:04 am
As you might have noticed, we are currently under attack. The two dozens of very unpolite blokes mounted on Jabberers are not our youngsters having riding fun but bloody thirsty goblins actively trying to murder everything that moves.
I have no idea how you managed to protect your little useless ass and survived this assault, but you might be happy to know that no, we are not trying to make you mad and yes we care about Mountainhome, and thus our mayor would very much want to have a meeting with you if he wasn't so occupied being dead.
We are very sorry you left us unhappy, but at the very least you left us alive, which is something 58 very brave dwarves cannot say right now.
Thank you very much for your visit, and meet you next year if the last two survivors you're currently abandoning survive long enough to become children then adults.
GTFO.
Sincerely yours,
Broken Force.
Dear Urist McCurious,
As you might have noticed, we are currently reclaiming my fortress. Yes, this is why there' so many usefull stuff on the floor, and workshops and beautiful levers. Linked to doors, yes.
I do recognize you might be curious about those levers, and their use. However, we are reclaiming one of my fortress. I'm perfectly aware of the use of each and every levers I ordered to build and I ordered to link to some doors, and the one flooding the whole level in particular.
Please refrain your unwanted curiousity and stop pulling the bloody lever when you're reclaiming it !
I'm quite sure you're damn aware of your mistake, as you run sooo far away after pulling it, in order not to pull it again and save the whole fort. This behaviour of your has been noted, and I now have to inform you that your help is required to recover a very rare sock deep in the water chamber you just opened for the last time.
Sincerely yours,
Rebuilding Force
Post by: jcochran on August 28, 2013, 08:44:39 am
Dear Urist McImmigrant,
The useless children you insist on bringing here with you will be used to train medical dwarves. You have been warned.
Also, your damned unbutcherable pets will be caged and I will find a way to kill them. The macedwarves hunger.
- Overseer Lars
Pasture the unbutcherable pets in an area that's subject to "unfortunate accidents". Or perhaps in areas subject to intrusion by ambushers so that the pets can act as early warning systems. But be prepared for the bad thoughts when the pet bites the dust.
Post by: jcochran on August 28, 2013, 10:24:22 am
I'm seriously tempted to make a "Moody craftsdwarf" room, little fellows. Complete with special features intended for special mood dwarves intent on grabbing a crafting workshop. Things like lever controlled magma flood (lever outside of the room of course) and rapid drainage system. There's only so much I can do with artifact crafts. Perhaps a special room intended on luring and killing kobolds. But after that, the damn things just litter inventory. I'm putting you on notice. All of you can be replaced easily. and the next useless artifact just may result in a "warm" greeting. Or perhaps be a determining factor in who volunteers to do a meet and greet with the next forgotten beast in order to determine just what it does.
Sincerely,
Annoyed overseer.
P.S. If you really need to make an artifact craft. At least pick low value materials. The pricey stuff is reserved for useful artifacts. Things like armor, weapons, heck even hatch covers.... But rings, crowns, bracelets and such? No thank you.
Post by: mate888 on August 29, 2013, 03:15:01 pm
Get the fuck out of my fort.
Armok, with increasing wishes to kill you...
Post by: thoushaltcallmelars on August 29, 2013, 09:56:58 pm
Dear Elven army:
Get the fuck out of my fort.
Armok, with increasing wishes to kill you...
You know, all you have to do is invite us over, & we'll gladly chase those elves out. & the goblins, & the elephants, & the migrant children, & the nobles... really, we be happy to get rid of anyone you don't like! All we ask is that you scrape some hardened cotton candy off our ceiling for us - we can't reach it, you see, even with the acrobats. We believe it's located underneath your heated swimming pool.
With Warm Regards, Ringmasters Shift & Seven
Post by: mate888 on August 30, 2013, 01:48:56 pm
Hah! I'll not fall in that again...Dear Elven army:
Get the fuck out of my fort.
Armok, with increasing wishes to kill you...
You know, all you have to do is invite us over, & we'll gladly chase those elves out. & the goblins, & the elephants, & the migrant children, & the nobles... really, we be happy to get rid of anyone you don't like! All we ask is that you scrape some hardened cotton candy off our ceiling for us - we can't reach it, you see, even with the acrobats. We believe it's located underneath your.
With Warm Regards, Ringmasters Shift & Seven
Wait, Urtist, what are you doing? No! Don't mie that! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Post by: MrCactus on August 30, 2013, 05:34:47 pm
Despite the lack of an exit from your current location that does NOT mean you have to jump into some water and drown yourself, learn to have some patience.
Post by: Kiloku on August 31, 2013, 01:24:27 am
How the fuck did you fall into my river together with your donkey?
I am deeply sorry that you broke your spine when you fell down the waterfall and then died, but seriously, the bridge is wide, how did you fall?
Do you know your superiors now think I stole all the stuff you left in my river after falling? See what you done, you little tree hugger?
Sincerely,
- Fort Overseer.
Post by: Cheimon on August 31, 2013, 02:00:01 pm
There are six very injured dwarves in the hospital right now. When there are no injured dwarves, you are free of all hauling duties, get a nice room, and get a fancy title, which you use to sit around chatting in the dining room. However, for this one time in the year when there are injured people, it would be lovely if you didn't take frequent and irritating breaks.
Yours,
An overseer who prefers live dwarves to dead ones, unlike you!
Post by: kero42 on August 31, 2013, 02:19:54 pm
Dear Elven Merchant:
How the fuck did you fall into my river together with your donkey?
I am deeply sorry that you broke your spine when you fell down the waterfall and then died, but seriously, the bridge is wide, how did you fall?
Do you know your superiors now think I stole all the stuff you left in my river after falling? See what you done, you little tree hugger?
Sincerely,
- Fort Overseer.
He's trying to provoke a diplomatic incident, give the elves an excuse to swoop in riding unicorns and murder your dwarves. Perhaps it's a covert elven splinter cell, or maybe the elders know all about it. Personally, I believe the Kobolds are behind it all, maybe trying to distract you with a dwarf-elf war while they steal your stuff.
Dear Urist McHunter,
Honestly, there are better times to be hunting, goblin ambushes are dangerous, and you will replace the loyal dwarf who is currently in hospital recovering from the damage he took saving your useless ass. Enjoy being the leader of your very own squad, "DoomedCrutches". Cavern exploration begins tomorrow, and I promise to promote you to Adamantine spire guard, should you be available when the opportunity presents itself. *)
With all the respect you are due,
Kero
Post by: Larix on August 31, 2013, 02:40:54 pm
Dear Elven Merchant:
How the fuck did you fall into my river together with your donkey?
I am deeply sorry that you broke your spine when you fell down the waterfall and then died, but seriously, the bridge is wide, how did you fall?
Just to be a killjoy and give a proper answer:
All units consider 'shallow' water as perfectly pathable, which unfortunately includes the shallow water just above a waterfall; and as long as they consider a tile pathable, they make absolutely no distinction between a 100% safe bridge and a 100% deadly riverbed. The last few tiles before the fall itself don't have ramps, which mitigates the issue a bit but doesn't completely remove it. If any traders have to cross a river with a waterfall to get to you, you better build an extra ten tiles of wall on the riverbank, just to prevent suicide pathing. It was much worse in earlier versions, btw.
Incidentally, the worst you can expect from the elven civ are more poorly-stocked caravans. Currently it's virtually impossible to really anger them unless you edit the game files.
Dear Elk Bird,
we were a bit annoyed when you refused to leave the map for most of a season, after the rest of your flock had already left. But since you were very co-operative when we sent the axedwarf squad to remove you from the map, everything is forgiven and we happily welcome you to our larder.
Post by: aiseant on September 01, 2013, 02:07:20 pm
I have no idea how you manage that, but please stop dropping stuffs everywhere for no reason. Seriously, how can you explain that 80% of you little careless smurfs spend most of your time carrying stuff all around the fort and not working ? I don't even know how we could still have anything to carry around, as you work so rarely that we produce basically nothing. Stop that, I'm annoyed to spend my time Therapisting your haulings labors.
Sincerely yours,
OCD Overseer
Nota : and why the bloody hell don't you use all the nice wheelbarrows to go a little faster ?!
Post by: mate888 on September 01, 2013, 07:16:06 pm
Why you not die?!
And also, dear hunter:
You still have blots, go kill him you asshole!
Sincerly.
Your mama
Post by: IronTomato on September 01, 2013, 11:15:33 pm
Our soldiers all just died horrible deaths. The solution for that is not to run onto the battlefield for no reason and get yourself killed.
~Irontomato
Post by: WanderingKid on September 02, 2013, 02:10:21 am
Dear Every Civilian:
Our soldiers all just died horrible deaths. The solution for that is not to run onto the battlefield for no reason and get yourself killed.
~Irontomato
But! But! Armok... Look at their SOCKS! I MUST HAVE THEIR SOCKS!
Post by: mate888 on September 02, 2013, 02:51:35 pm
I don't want to know why or how you entered my fort, neither I care about the child you pushed of a 20 z-levels waterfall, but his parents do, so stop it, you ruined my fort pushing that little bastard.
Dear Urtist Mc Theshittiestmilitiaever:
Shoot the frogman on the face! Not on the foot, not in the crotch, in the face!
Dear Shiosdhdfijsohxibiringui, kobold thief:
My fort is on a delicate tantrum situation rigth now, a couple is punching the mayor, the militia is being fucked up by a frogman, so leave that iron dagger on the floor and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
Post by: kero42 on September 02, 2013, 05:34:05 pm
Dear Frogman:
I don't want to know why or how you entered my fort, neither I care about the child you pushed of a 20 z-levels waterfall, but his parents do, so stop it, you ruined my fort pushing that little bastard.
Dear Urtist Mc Theshittiestmilitiaever:
Shoot the frogman on the face! Not on the foot, not in the crotch, in the face!
Dear Shiosdhdfijsohxibiringui, kobold thief:
My fort is on a delicate tantrum situation rigth now, a couple is punching the mayor, the militia is being fucked up by a frogman, so leave that iron dagger on the floor and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET* :P)
Post by: gunpowdertea on September 03, 2013, 04:46:33 am
[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET* :P)
And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!
Post by: kero42 on September 03, 2013, 10:49:49 am
[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET* :P)
And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!
I feel I should point out that I am yet to actually be called mad for knowing The Truth yet. Otherwise, thanks for the moral support, lol.
Post by: RLS0812 on September 03, 2013, 01:59:01 pm
I have recently breached a massive cave system, however I am unable to seal it off right now due to a massive engineering "issue" .
Please stop going into the deepest caverns to find animals to hunt. I'm seriously getting tired of sending my ax dwarves down to rescue you's all the time.
Post by: Rokh on September 03, 2013, 02:28:27 pm
No, we didn't run out of plump helmet spawn. I don't know what you understand by "run out", but where I come from, having a stock of 5.000 of 'em doesn't count as "running out".
Sincerely yours,
Me.
Post by: Baffler on September 03, 2013, 06:04:59 pm
When I set out with the intent of building a castle aboveground, I knew that I would need a lot of stonework done early. That's why I brought you and your two subordinates along. To expedite the initial building process. You must have known this, so why is it that only one of you is ever working at a time? There are plenty of boulders to make into blocks, and plenty of constructions have already been planned. Yet you and Inod are always drinking, sleeping, or "on break" while Tobul does all the work. We are NOT taking shelter underground, so our survival depends on your hard work. We've already spotted dingoes across the river, and giant thirps flying around the top of the hill. They seem to be pretty common in this area.
Food for thought,
The Administration
Post by: Urist MacNoob on September 04, 2013, 04:52:45 pm
[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET* :P)
And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!
THEY'LL RUE THE DAY THEY SCORNED KERO42! BLOOD TO ARMOK! SOCKS TO ARMOK!
Dear Were-Coyote,
GET A NEW JOB AND A PROPER BEARD-STYLE, ELF. YOU ONLY KILLED ONE ANIMAL. ONE. AN ANGRY CHILD FLAILING HIS FISTS AT AN INFANT DID THRICE THAT MUCH DAMAGE TO THIS FORTRESS. YOU WERE OUTDONE BY A SEVEN YEAR OLD THAT COULDN'T STAND HAVING HIS DINGLE SPOTTED. YOU ARE -NOTHING-, AND IF I SEE YOU AROUND THIS TOWN AGAIN I WILL SELL YOU TO YOUR COWARDLY ELVEN BRETHREN WITH A SHIPMENT OF IRON CHAINS AND SILK THONGS.
...*Clears throat,*
Dear Vampire,
I've got you now. Your hand's all busted up from my hammerer beating you and you'll have to wait for the doctor to help you before you decide to get up. This can go two ways and two ways only. You submit to my will and go to the eternal prison I have assigned and devised for you, or you will suffer an unfortunate accident involving a cage and elves and the purchase of something trivial, like socks.
Dear Urist,
Would you like to explain to me what is taking so long for you to build the road and carve the wall fortifications? I have stone stockpiles on the surface, plenty of perfectly sturdy rock salt mined from the earth for your use. Yet you deign to run down six stories to my other stockpiles to grab blocks I've intended for use in my other projects.
You're inefficient, Urist. So were the goblins, and they're at the bottom of the river now. I am told that there are socks under those waves. You may be sent to investigate personally if you don't shape up.
To all with great sincerity, your Overseer, Master and Malific Force controlling the world-renowned adventurer Indrick Boreale.
Post by: Gentlefish on September 06, 2013, 01:00:32 am
Of course there's lots of rock salt up here, I hauled it myself.
You told me to use the blocks.
As nice as the socks sound, I'd rather not see them. You see, I have lots of friends, too. They wouldn't be too happy that I disappeared after using their fine blockws to build a beautiful, smooth road.
Urist.
Post by: Pinstar on September 06, 2013, 11:23:20 am
Thank you for alerting me to the presence of damp stone.
I have taken the effort to drain out that murkey pool that was causing said dampness.
Would you kindly continue mining out the area I mapped for you without constantly badgering me about it? That 1/7 water puddle and muddy stone left in the pool is not going to flood the fortress.
Post by: aiseant on September 06, 2013, 03:22:03 pm
Dear Urist Mc
You have pick.
You had food and booze recently. You slept very well. You are one of the lucky dwarves with no hauling job.
The tiles right in front of you is marked to be mined.
Please proceed.
I have no idea why you insist on doing nothing for no reason, but it cannot be tolerated for long...
Regards
Overseer, and the whole fort waiting for bedrooms
Post by: PetWolverine on September 07, 2013, 05:37:51 pm
It is my sincere hope that we may learn something from Urist's fate. While his decision to walk out on the river just before the spring thaw was perhaps foolhardy, his adaptability in learning to swim fast enough to keep from drowning was commendable. We should all also remember with admiration his persistence as he trained his swimming skill up to Adept - one might have thought he would stop to take a break at some point, but who are we to judge Urist's sudden fondness for the water?
It is true, we may wish to question the self-assessment of Adept Swimmer from one who chooses to simply tread in place as the water level slowly drops around him, downstream of the large dam we built this past winter. But it's undeniable that he had the practice, and managed not to drown.
Also undeniable was his love of the river, so much so that, apparently, he foreswore drinking of its waters, preferring only to swim. We have to wonder why, when presented with the options of either swimming to shore and climbing out of the river along the nice sloping ramps carved by Armok and our miners for this purpose, or simply drinking the fresh water with which he was surrounded, he chose instead to make his blissful enjoyment of the refreshing water the last thing he felt as he wasted away due to dehydration even as some of you were wading into the more fully drained areas to retrieve socks.
Yes, I dearly hope that we might learn a lesson from Urist's unfortunate end, but I have no idea what that lesson would be, as I'm sure any of you would have done exactly the same thing in his place. May you all die in magma.
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 07, 2013, 07:26:27 pm
I understand that you enjoy the company of the dead, but others do not. This disagreement is not reasonable grounds for turning others into a part of your unholy legion of the damned. I respectfully ask that you stop, as this behavior is a danger to the others that live within our fine city.
Oh, wait. You are the only resident. I wonder why...
At least get the troll corpses reigned in, as their rampant destruction of public property will not be tolerated.
Sincerely, the voice in your head.
Post by: Eric Blank on September 07, 2013, 07:37:20 pm
Dear Goden McNecromancer, mayor of Murkyroads,
I understand that you enjoy the company of the dead, but others do not. This disagreement is not reasonable grounds for turning others into a part of your unholy legion of the damned. I respectfully ask that you stop, as this behavior is a danger to the others that live within our fine city.
Oh, wait. You are the only resident. I wonder why...
At least get the troll corpses reigned in, as their rampant destruction of public property will not be tolerated.
Sincerely, the voice in your head.
You may just have to have him lock himself in an area to construct a trap to lure the trolls in and then trap them/smash them under drawbridges.
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 07, 2013, 08:02:58 pm
You may just have to have him lock himself in an area to construct a trap to lure the trolls in and then trap them/smash them under drawbridges.
It's a little late to save this fort, when he migrated in it was right next to a dead ambush, so there wasn't a chance from the beginning. There were over 500 corpses walking around last I checked, and that's not counting the ones that could still be resurrected. The death toll is far too high for any more migrants to even think about coming. That and a ghost just murderized him, so the city is done.
Post by: Shoruke on September 08, 2013, 01:40:57 am
Also, we have more than enough friggin' wheelbarrows, you should empower yourself to just find one and use it if it's going to help you get the schist done faster.
-Overseer Shoruke
P.S. You're a Dumbass.
Post by: Grey Goo on September 08, 2013, 01:58:44 am
It's a little late to save this fort, when he migrated in it was right next to a dead ambush, so there wasn't a chance from the beginning. There were over 500 corpses walking around last I checked, and that's not counting the ones that could still be resurrected. The death toll is far too high for any more migrants to even think about coming. That and a ghost just murderized him, so the city is done.
Sounds like great place for little adventuring mode!...
Post by: Jarnis on September 08, 2013, 02:40:19 am
But ... but ... my socks ! They're gonna be wet ! I need you to stop making me digging stuffs that cause this ! Pleeeeaaaaaase !
Dear Urist McMinerLazy
You have pick.
You had food and booze recently. You slept very well. You are one of the lucky dwarves with no hauling job.
The tiles right in front of you is marked to be mined.
Please proceed.
I have no idea why you insist on doing nothing for no reason, but it cannot be tolerated for long...
Regards
Overseer, and the whole fort waiting for bedrooms
But Sir, the burrows you have allocated for us ends at this wall. I cannot dig through here or the Hammerer will come and spank my ass for venturing outside the designated areas.
I mean, the invasion ended six months ago but there must still be something lurking outside since we are still under invasion alert. Get the Urist McSwordman to mine it, he's qualified to step outside the burrows.
Post by: Lielac on September 08, 2013, 02:46:22 am
Why, why, why did you have to go insane four days before the dwarven caravan arrived? I know I didn't have any silk cloth for you, but if you had just waited a few more days then you would have been able to filch plenty off the fucking wagons!
But noooo, you're dead and your daughter is miserable and going to starve to death because she's six months old and thus still dependent on her mother for support and feeding and crap, oh and you broke her shoulder nice going crazy.
And just to top it off you were my best fucking clothier. Thanks, asshole.
Fuck you,
Overseer of Beardbasement
Post by: aiseant on September 08, 2013, 05:31:25 am
But ... but ... my socks ! They're gonna be wet ! I need you to stop making me digging stuffs that cause this ! Pleeeeaaaaaase !
Dear Urist McMinerLazy
You have pick.
You had food and booze recently. You slept very well. You are one of the lucky dwarves with no hauling job.
The tiles right in front of you is marked to be mined.
Please proceed.
I have no idea why you insist on doing nothing for no reason, but it cannot be tolerated for long...
Regards
Overseer, and the whole fort waiting for bedrooms
But Sir, the burrows you have allocated for us ends at this wall. I cannot dig through here or the Hammerer will come and spank my ass for venturing outside the designated areas.
I mean, the invasion ended six months ago but there must still be something lurking outside since we are still under invasion alert. Get the Urist McSwordman to mine it, he's qualified to step outside the burrows.
There was no burrow at this time in the fort. It took me reload and manually changinf all their picks for them to work again. No idea why.
Dear Urist McMigrants
I never asked you to come here. Really. I can only assume you're doing so because my fort is attractve, right ? So why the bloody hell are you so unhappy ? Why did you come if it was only to throw tantrum two months after your arrival ?
Because of you, next waves will find the fortress door closed. Indefinitively. Outside in the rain and the snow, with their children and stupid pets. And you.
And yes, we have wolfs outside.
See ya,
Overseer
Post by: smjjames on September 08, 2013, 10:06:30 am
*sigh* Stop standing on each others remove construction designations and causing one or more to fall to their deaths while removing the scaffolding, two dwarves died already and one got badly injured but will live.
I am forced to stagger the designations each tile to prevent your watered down sewer brew asses from killing each other or otherwise badly injuring.
Signed, your glorious overseer.
Post by: IronTomato on September 08, 2013, 12:50:10 pm
JUST REMOVE THE DAMN WALL. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS!
~IronTomato
Post by: Snaake on September 08, 2013, 01:19:10 pm
Dear Mason:
JUST REMOVE THE DAMN WALL. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS!
~IronTomato
Bah, that's kiddie stuff, I'm too buzy making masterwork furniture, churning out blocks and partying.
Post by: Baffler on September 08, 2013, 04:14:49 pm
Your task was very simple. A 1x4 strip of rock hanging 1 z-level above the Trade Depot. The farthest from the ledge was channeled just fine, but the next one... I have no idea how you caused the collapse, but at first glance I was quite pleased. The offending tiles had been removed perfectly with no damage done to the surrounding area. Then I saw the two of you. you were covered all over with cuts, bruises, and broken bones. You had been thrown almost 20 tiles, only stopping when you hit the far wall. This isn't even the most baffling part of the accident though. According to the reports you filed, you were repeatedly, somehow, BURNED WITH MAGMA!
The wounds you have suffered are consistent with your report, I am not questioning that. I am just curious as to just how the actual fuck you managed to be burned by magma on the surface, far from the only magma we are currently aware of, which is currently resting securely 150 z-levels below the excavation. If you've figured out how to spontaneously generate magma, you owe it to dwarvenkind to recover and share this secret. Unfortunately, we don't have the facilities to treat you. Being the only miners in the fortress though, I think I can scrape something together for you.
Wishing you a swift recovery,
The Administration
Post by: WanderingKid on September 08, 2013, 04:51:22 pm
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 08, 2013, 05:02:58 pm
At least that's what I think it was. They aren't partially melted, are they?
Post by: Baffler on September 08, 2013, 08:13:06 pm
Post by: Volfgarix on September 09, 2013, 09:46:53 am
You have all 25 copper bolts in you quiver, so you can shot 25 times! Don't go back to resupply when you still have 22 bolts!
Your Boss.
Post by: WanderingKid on September 09, 2013, 10:03:01 am
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf
You have all 25 copper bolts in you quiver, so you can shot 25 times! Don't go back to resupply when you still have 22 bolts!
Your Boss.
Wait. You can get them to go back for resupply?! I'm not sure I'd be upset at this, personally.
Post by: Volfgarix on September 09, 2013, 10:14:02 am
I don't know, what causes it. DFHack? Or maybe singe bolt stacks? It doesn't help that much when they go to get more bolts after few shots.Dear Urist McMarksdwarf
You have all 25 copper bolts in you quiver, so you can shot 25 times! Don't go back to resupply when you still have 22 bolts!
Your Boss.
Wait. You can get them to go back for resupply?! I'm not sure I'd be upset at this, personally.
Post by: Lielac on September 09, 2013, 12:11:51 pm
31186☼ of xused clothingx. Is this what it's like to have a 235-strong fortress with invaders turned to FUCK OFF? At least I have the caravans as my seasonal garbage dump...
Mildly baffled,
Overseer of Fernsteels
P.S.: Good work on the serrated green glass discs. I promise I won't trade away food anymore.
Post by: smjjames on September 09, 2013, 02:32:15 pm
Yes I know your right arm and left hand are broken and yes I know you lost the ability to grasp, but shouldn't you still be able to use your RIGHT hand to pick up the owned item you are desperately trying to get at? Also, your grasp isn't permanently lost, so SHUT UP AND WAIT FOR THE BONES TO HEAL! Dangit!.
Overseer of Delervathez
Post by: wierd on September 09, 2013, 02:42:26 pm
!t"s v3Ry hArD to wite usig mY rIgh han. Yuo s3e, i an lef haNeD.
MY wif k3eps yeLiG at M3 to cleam uP my R0om, an I Can't g3t any wrest.
If yoU an shet hur Up, I woulNt haf to fIL3 canC3LaTioN reP0rt$.
Pleace m3m0v3 tha cAbiM3t y00 iN$tAlL3d iN owr r0oM.
Uri$T NcL3fHaMed
Post by: smjjames on September 09, 2013, 02:44:14 pm
Edit: After I assigned him to a burrow over a bridge in an attempt to re-injure him, he shut up anyway, so.... I guess THAT works.
Post by: Imp on September 09, 2013, 02:54:01 pm
LOL!, nice fake-response.
Edit: After I assigned him to a burrow over a bridge in an attempt to re-injure him, he shut up anyway, so.... I guess THAT works.
Fits Wierd's response too.
What would be even funnier is if the reason the cancellation spam stopped was because he was now separated from the yelling wife - and if he were to resume it should she be assigned to the same distant burrow as he.
Post by: callisto8413 on September 09, 2013, 04:16:57 pm
What do you mean there are no seeds? The stockpile, which I designed to hold them, has tons of them? No spawn? It's RIGHT THERE!?!?
No lye carrying container? Do you mean a bucket? That one right NEXT to you? Or how about that one over there somebody left outside in the rain? What do you mean you can't collect the sand without a bag? (censored) You have a ton of bags! I just spent the last few hours shearing, spinning, and making bags! Than I got some from the humans. Sand bags, dye bags, flour bags, leather bags, cloth bags, silk bags. Carry the sand in the bags! Or in your HAND! I don't care! I have bins, buckets, jugs, pots, mugs, coffers, backpacks, bags, barrels, wheelbarrows, chests, and cabinets! I know I have them because you people leave them all over the place. You don't seem to USE them. Oh no, you dump your stuff on the floor of your bedrooms, right NEXT to them!
Pick one and use IT!
signed,
Rage-Quit
Post by: Durmatagno on September 09, 2013, 04:51:34 pm
How did you end up with a candy battle axe? Your one of my starting seven, we haven't even gotten into year two and you have a candy battle axe and seven orc kills under your belt. Where did these come from? Can you please tell me, I want more candy so I can be decked out before I send you along to the circus.
Dear UristMcHunter
How, HOW, did you tear the elephant in half with a -Pine Bolt-. I'm thankful that you did, and I somehow missed you being a legendary+2 archer, but how did you manage it? The meat will feed us for awhile, and you deserve an upgrade to bone bolts for that.
Dear UristMcPlanter
How did you end up in my kobold pit? Its behind two airlocks and is a 10 level drop with no other ways in or out, and yet you were unharmed, even by the kobolds you beat to death with your bare hands. As soon as I finish setting up the airlocks for the way in, I'll upgrade your room to 3x3 and make you my only militia dwarf for now.
Dear UristMcMason
Why are you carving the cheetah bones? Bone carving isn't even enabled for you yet you've made it to master ranks, and are just ignoring your duty to make the bridges we need up for the airlocks.
Post by: WanderingKid on September 09, 2013, 07:08:54 pm
Why the hell are you CARRYING the wheelbarrow back to the stockpile? It rolls. It rolls faster with a ROCK in it. Put a damn rock in it and ROLL it!
-Overfiend.
Post by: wierd on September 09, 2013, 07:42:14 pm
To any of you drunken bearded dunderheads,
Why the hell are you CARRYING the wheelbarrow back to the stockpile? It rolls. It rolls faster with a ROCK in it. Put a damn rock in it and ROLL it!
-Overfiend.
Dear overfiend,
We are following The Instruction Manual (http://i47.tinypic.com/2rfsemg.png) to the letter!
Why aren't you pleased with our work?
--Your loyal minions
Post by: mirrizin on September 09, 2013, 07:47:16 pm
Now, ok, your commander is having his head munched by a giant cave spider, and his steel helm is the only thing keeping him alive. There are two paths you could take to strike the spider. One of them is clogged with webs, the other is perfectly clear.
Why, for the love of Armok, do you try to wade your way through the webs? Why???
You're just lucky that the next soldier to come along took the clear path and killed the spider with a nice clean punch to the back of the head.
Oh, and Urist McCrankypants,
So, you've been complaining incessantly about long patrol duty. But when I take you off duty, you complain about being reduced to a lowly peasant. Enjoy your new nickname.
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 09, 2013, 08:01:23 pm
To any of you drunken bearded dunderheads,
Why the hell are you CARRYING the wheelbarrow back to the stockpile? It rolls. It rolls faster with a ROCK in it. Put a damn rock in it and ROLL it!
-Overfiend.
Could be worse.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So much worse.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: wierd on September 09, 2013, 08:03:34 pm
While it may, at first glance anyway, seem that I am being unreasonably "cranky" in reguard to the long patrol duties, ad my recent expulsion from military service, I can assure you that my grievances are perfectly salient, and sensible.
Take for instance, the purpetual "patrol duty" you had previously assigned me to. While standing around for untold amounts of time can be quite liberating in the face of the blinding pace of normal fortress life, being forced to stand at a fixed spot for months on end without even so much as a chair or beer break, is beyond intolerable. For a time, I felt quite sure that you had completely forgotten about me, or perhaps, wished to see me die of hunger or thirst in the hallway.
Then, you have the issue of "complaining about being kicked out of service". My complaint about the long patrols did not in any capacity signal that I despised military service; on the contrary, it indicated that I would very much like to return to the barracks for sparring and weapons training.
But instead, you have deemed it necessary to expel me from my military career, and to further insult me by branding me with this attrocious nickname. Might I inquire what you will do with me next, my lord? Perhaps a pink dress, or mayhap a kobold costume for the amusement of the children? Endless hours cleaning fish perhaps? Oh, or magma tube channeling?
Peevishly yours,
Urist "McCrankypants"
Post by: lazygun on September 10, 2013, 03:56:05 am
You are lucky I spotted you hanging round the finished goods stockpile, quietly starving to death, refusing to break for food until after you picked up a backpack. The backpack that was SITTING IN A BIN RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!
After I released you from the military, you did finally head to the food stockpiles. Under the circumstances it's understandable that you just picked up the finished meal and gobbled it down. But we have a fully furnished dining room. If you refuse to eat, you have no right to get upset about getting hungry! If you refuse to sit at a table you have no right to complain about a lack of chairs!
Preventing shenannigans like this is why I never make backpacks in my forts. It's just my luck that the scuttled wagon was carrying half a dozen.
Your
(I suspect there's a bug in the job cancellation for 'pick up equipment' when the bin containing the item gets hauled to the depot. Looks like we'll have rewired dwarf brains in the next version. Maybe some stupidity will be fixed, replaced by completely new forms of stupidity)
Post by: Lielac on September 10, 2013, 05:31:23 am
Why that craftdwarf's workshop???
It's the Armok-damned Strand Extractor's, for fuck's sake! You have to walk I don't even know how many times further than if you'd picked the one up top! But noooooooo, you're Speshul, so you need to WALK FOREVER AND TAKE FOREVER AND UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
Annoyedly,
Overseer of Fernsteels
P.S.: No, you don't get that number removed until you're a useful member of society. Deal with it.
P.P.S.: I hate you.
Post by: Larix on September 10, 2013, 05:41:51 am
I carefully observed my DPS (Dwarven Positioning System) device, and it showed this as the nearest workshop. Some may say the system doesn't take z-levels into account, but those are heretic oldtimers who don't trust Friend Computer and flaunt such outdated concepts as common sense.
(Once i'm done with a major strand extraction job, i generally demolish the workshop, to avoid it being claimed for moods. I agree moods that take months to finish because the claimed shop is in the back end of nowhere are quite annoying.)
Post by: Durmatagno on September 10, 2013, 08:32:48 am
(I never choose a name for my group or fort)
You chose a name that I find does not show our dwarfyness well enough, I mean, Agelesscuddles? At least you sent The Crystaline Spear group to it, but Agelesscuddles? And not a cat in sight.
Post by: Lielac on September 10, 2013, 08:39:22 am
Dear Urist McNamesTheFort
(I never choose a name for my group or fort)
You chose a name that I find does not show our dwarfyness well enough, I mean, Agelesscuddles? At least you sent The Crystaline Spear group to it, but Agelesscuddles? And not a cat in sight.
To: The namer of Agelesscuddles
From: The overseer of Lashsun
Drink more booze, ye bloody sap!
Post by: WanderingKid on September 10, 2013, 06:45:22 pm
The distance between you and the dig path is approximately 160 steps round trip.
You first dug one block, then went for a drink.
Then dug one block, then gone to eat.
You then dug one block, then went to sleep.
Finally, you came back, dug one block, AND WENT FOR ANOTHER DRINK...
After all that. You took a bath. You have bathed more and used up more soap than ANYONE else in this fort.
Will you FINALLY dig out the 20 long path I asked you to? PLEASE?
-Overfiend.
You THEN, after repe... dug TWO blocks, then went to drink.
Post by: Baffler on September 10, 2013, 08:08:58 pm
Ye' don't understand, ser! 160 steps is a long way, near 'af a kilometer in yer terms! An' do ye' know jus' how hard stone is? I cannae make that long a trip 'n cut through't without frequent breaks! To do o'erwise would be crazy, a risk to me health! I try ser, but it ain't easy y'know.
Yers,
Edge Throwerbridge
Miner of FurnaceClans
Post by: mirrizin on September 10, 2013, 09:02:46 pm
Now, I would just love it, y'all, if I could just order you to build a wall atop an older wall, and assume you had the sense to start at the end, and fill in accordingly, one at a time.
But no. Instead, if I wish this done efficiently, I must designate one stone, then wait for one of you to lug the rock up, install the wall (hopefully not while standing on it!) and then repeat the process umpteen times.
Is this really necessary? Such tedium!
Yours,
Overseer
Post by: wierd on September 10, 2013, 11:31:21 pm
We, the members of the esteemed and ecsoteric order of stone masons, would like to remind you of how we do things.
Firstly, we do not, and have never done things in the order in which you submit them. That is just plain silly. Think about it. If you give me an order, and put it in a tray on my desk, then place another work order on top of it in that tray, which one will be on top? Naturally, the second one will be. The first one will be at the bottom of the stack.
We work from the top of that stack down. Not from the bottom up, because that would be silly. So, the first things you assign to us, will be the last things we do. This is the way it has always been, and is how it will always be.
Secondly, we would like to remind you that being able to actually GET to the job site is important.
As stated above, we take our work orders, in order, from the top of the list, and work down. When many of us are working, we simply take the next job slip in the pile, without disturbing it. Some of us are faster than others, which means the order gets slightly scrambled when many of us are working. This means that if Urist takes the top slip, Ducim takes the second, and Stukos takes the third, but stukos is the fastest, he will have his designated section of wall completed before Ducim or Urist can get there. Where do you suppose Ducim and Urist stand? Should they grow wings and hover next to the wall perhaps?
I ask this question, because like so many overseers, you misunderstand the requirements of performing the work. You are attempting to presume that each dwarf wait for the preceeding dwarf to complete the task they were assigned, before starting the assignment. If we did things that way, there would be no benefit to having many of us working on a wall at the same time. Most of us would be standing around waiting for Urist the slow to finally stop playing with the plumb bob, and actually lay his tier of masonry, so that the next of us could go.
Really, if that is how you want your constructions made, then give the rest of the guild the month off, and assign only a single mason, then submit your job orders appropriately.
Otherwise, if you want there to be an actual reason to have multiple members of our illustrious order building grand monuments for you, you need to ensure that we can work with some degree of asynchrony, which means you must allow for a place for us to stand. A scaffolding, if you will.
We require this scaffolding, to keep from entombing other members of the guild, and to avoid having out of order constructions be a problem, when many of us are at work.
If you insist that there must not be a scaffold, because of your own laziness and incompetence in proper construction technique, then again, give the rest of the guild the month of, and assign only a single mason.
I don't think I need to explain for you the absolute chaos that would ensue if members of the masonry guild started being selective about which of your work orders they wished to complete, and in what order, based solely on their own discresion. There is a reason why we do things the way we do them. That is, unless you ENJOY being flooded with cancellation notices for floor constructions, when no support is nearby to build from, and other such foolishness.
As the overseer, it is YOUR responsibility to create and submit the work orders, and in order of precidence from least priority, to highest, such that the foundation is built first, then the walls. Etc.
All too often, overseers like yourself make the same foolish mistake that what is most important should be submitted first. As I have already explained, this is foolishness. Nobody works from the bottom of a stack of paperwork, and again, asking us to re-sort your assignments for you is just asking for trouble. (You know how fond our kindred are of parties and drink, afterall. Just imagine the corruption that would happen if you left it up to others to decide such things! "Unfortunate cancellations" so that they could have extended and extra breaks would surely be the LEAST of the problems such an arrangement would produce!)
We at the guild fully understand that not everyone is cut out to be a fortress overseer, as the logistics of central planning requires for you to manage and anticipate workflow.
We again respectfully remind you of how and why we do things the way we do, that your job as overseer will be fruitful, and with the least complications, and we again respectfully remind you that central planning is YOUR responsibility, and not ours. If we did that as well, there would be little need of an overseer, now wouldn't there? We do things the way we do, because we acknowledge the benefit and necessity of having an overseer. That is why we don't disregard the order in which you have submitted your work orders, regardless of how nonsensical they may seem to us. While it may seem perfectly sensible for you to request that we be more autonomous, as well learned and loyal members of the fortress, we simply cannot permit that to happen, as the consequences are far too dire. Afterall, what if you had actually submitted the work instruction in the proper order? Would you not be unconsolably irate, should we deviate from them, and build as we saw fit instead?
As the parable goes my lord, "be careful what you wish for, as you just may get it."
In closing, we, the members of the proud and ecsoteric order or stone masons, humbly decline your request to act with independent autonomy, citing the clearly deleterious nature of such an order, and would like to remind you that all of the problems you are suffering as overseer can be far better resolved simply though working with the system, than from working against it.
The illustrious and ecsoteric order of stone masons.
Post by: Berossus on September 11, 2013, 03:40:52 am
the caverns need a good smoothing.
All of them.
Post by: reality.auditor on September 11, 2013, 05:44:51 am
Dearest Overseer,That in-character explanation of game mechanics was... beautiful.
(snip)
The illustrious and ecsoteric order of stone masons.
Post by: aiseant on September 11, 2013, 06:38:49 am
Post by: the1337doofus on September 11, 2013, 08:18:52 am
That green, roiling cloud of dust coming towards you? It's irradiated. Stay OUT of it.
-Overseer of Applebuck
Post by: Pinstar on September 11, 2013, 08:35:12 am
Dear idiotic colorful ponies;
That green, roiling cloud of dust coming towards you? It's irradiated. Stay OUT of it.
-Overseer of Applebuck
"What? I thought its the first sign that the zap apples were gonna bloom. I wanted to run around in it to celebrate!"
Dear Urist McBoneCarver
My hunters just took down and butchered FIVE unicorns. I set aside a special stockpile and workshop just for them so you can make them into valueble crafts while using all the yak, cheetah and honey badger bones you have laying around for the bolts. Why did you interpret this setup to mean "Immediately use all the unicorn bones for bolt making" We could have bought a lot more crap from the first caravan if we had those crafts!
Post by: aiseant on September 11, 2013, 09:24:06 am
Quote
Dear Urist McBoneCarver
My hunters just took down and butchered FIVE unicorns. I set aside a special stockpile and workshop just for them so you can make them into valueble crafts while using all the yak, cheetah and honey badger bones you have laying around for the bolts. Why did you interpret this setup to mean "Immediately use all the unicorn bones for bolt making" We could have bought a lot more crap from the first caravan if we had those crafts!
Dear Overseer,
I don't get it. Obvious use of unicorn bones is to make bolt. And with those unicorn bone bolts, we can kill more unicorns. And with those newly dead unicorns, we could make more bolts, and kill more unicorns and and ... *head explosion*
Post by: smjjames on September 11, 2013, 09:28:28 am
Well hey, we still have the horns and hooves, right?
Post by: WanderingKid on September 11, 2013, 05:25:31 pm
Look. It's a wall spot. I've deconstructed ALL the walls around it. I've cancelled and reactivated the job. About 8 times. I've dug you other places to stand (that we'll wall later).
Why, in Armok's name, do you constantly INSIST on standing RIGHT ON the job site? None of the other tricks to get you to NOT stand there are working. You insist. It's empty for all four cardinal directions. WHYYYYYYyyyyy????!!!!
EDIT:
No, seriously:
(http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d178/GUDare/Dwarf%20Fortress/GetOffTheWall.jpg~original)
There is flat sand to the south and west of you. There is flat stone to the north and east of you. I have used EVERY trick I can think of to get you to NOT stand there.
What the hell is your malfunction?
... Seriously, I had to traffic restrict the square so you... ARGH. Well, you built it... finally.
Post by: Imp on September 11, 2013, 06:41:54 pm
There is flat sand to the south and west of you. There is flat stone to the north and east of you. I have used EVERY trick I can think of to get you to NOT stand there.
What the hell is your malfunction?
... Seriously, I had to traffic restrict the square so you... ARGH. Well, you built it... finally.
Thanks Boss!
That was what I wanted, yep. Got dared to accept two bets. One was that I couldn't find a way to get you to traffic restrict was what about to be the middle of a wall, the second was that you were smart enough to figure out what I wanted right away.
I won the first, but I have to tell you I lost the second, Boss.
No way was I going to bet against you.
Remember that, if you don't like our fun. I was dared, it wasn't me. And I refused to bet against you. Punish them, not me!
Thanks,
Urist.
Post by: WanderingKid on September 11, 2013, 07:21:14 pm
I'm impressed. You quickly and efficiently got our wounded to the hospital. Then packed them in like sardines into a corner of the equivalent of a wide open warehouse.
I hope you're winning a lot of these bets...
Post by: lazygun on September 12, 2013, 09:42:10 am
While we haven't got round to digging out and furnishing individual rooms for you, there is a clearly marked dormitory room, filled with plenty of beds, so would you please STOP SLEEPING IN THE HOSPITAL and blocking all the beds in the ward.
Or, I might make sure you *need* to sleep in the hospital, know what I mean?
Your cranky overseer.
Post by: Kiloku on September 12, 2013, 10:06:01 am
It's cool that you want to cook some rocks for today's meal. But did you HAVE to choose to cook the few chunks of lignite we JUST mined?
Your beloved overseer.
(Legend of Zelda mod, you play as Gorons)
Post by: wierd on September 12, 2013, 01:11:47 pm
A growing goron needs the carbon in that lignite to be healthy and strong! You dont want brittle, glassy skinned gorons do you? Besides, how else am I supposed to get that satisfying crackle and crunch?
Goron McCook
Post by: Pinstar on September 12, 2013, 02:49:34 pm
You guys are prepared. Five you and you have two copper crossbows with copper bolts and quivers and a STEEL pickaxe. Color me impressed!
Now WHY DIDN"T YOU USE THEM when I sent you against that were-panda attacking our sheep? I even told you that you could use your own weapons!
Post by: the1337doofus on September 13, 2013, 11:08:09 pm
I know I told you to stabinate that pony who was intent on beating up the rest of the migrants he came along with. I did not, however, ever say "poke holes in everypony else that you see afterwards". Now you've killed a fisherpony, my best engraver, and my best miner. Please go have a chat with that Mr. Macintosh over there.
- OverColt Doof
Post by: wierd on September 13, 2013, 11:44:41 pm
Everypony knows that sending a pony to kill another pony from the herd without that pony being labeled a threat to the herd first, causes the pony that did the killing to be ostracised and labeled a threat to the herd! Ordered murder is still murder! Further, any pony that kills that ostracised pony will themselves be likewise ostracised and branded!
This means that by ordering me to kill that pony, you have made me an enemy of the herd! I am just defending myself from every other pony!
[Note, look up "loyalty cascade" for more.]
--Moral Daggertrees
Post by: the1337doofus on September 14, 2013, 10:28:52 am
Dear overcolt doof,
Everypony knows that sending a pony to kill another pony from the herd without that pony being labeled a threat to the herd first, causes the pony that did the killing to be ostracised and labeled a threat to the herd! Ordered murder is still murder! Further, any pony that kills that ostracised pony will themselves be likewise ostracised and branded!
This means that by ordering me to kill that pony, you have made me an enemy of the herd! I am just defending myself from every other pony!
[Note, look up "loyalty cascade" for more.]
--Moral Daggertrees
I thought it wouldn't cause a loyalty cascade, the pony I had killed had showed up as "opposed to life". Guess I was wrong.
Post by: jcochran on September 16, 2013, 09:52:08 am
Just because the baron demanded a lay pewter sarcophagus to be installed in his dining room did not mean that you in turn could demand an aluminum weapon rack to be installed in your dining room? Why did you demand aluminum? They is none in this fort. None of the caravans that have arrives in the past few years have had any, and after you made your demand, when I encountered the outpost liaison and he asked what we need, the list of available metals and stones had aluminum conspicuously absent. I won't bother manually appointing a replacement mayor since you darn well know that I'd have to repeat that circus each year. So I prefer a more permanent solution to an unreasonable mayor. The unhappy thoughts you had about your demand not being met were quite short lived. I trust you enjoyed your rather warm bath in magma. Don't worry, you'll have no more unhappy thoughts and the engraver made a very nice slab for you. Your disappearance was quite a mystery. Perhaps your replacement will not have any silly demands that can't be met. But if he does, a date with a special lever awaits him or her as well.
Post by: Larix on September 16, 2013, 01:10:36 pm
With burning sincerity,
Urist McMayor
Post by: YeOldeDorf on September 17, 2013, 10:13:56 am
I know the mussels you keep catching in the brook are of the utmost importance to this outpost's survival, but next time invaders attack to slaughter our animals and rape our women (or men if the invaders are elves) please come inside and do not go outside if I give the alarm to go back inside. I already passed a not to Urist McUselessPeasant who, if you remember, went outside during the last siege, walked around a bit and headed back inside again. Please refrain from doing any of this.
Yours truly,
Urist McMayor
Post by: Cuddles on September 17, 2013, 10:40:35 am
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
I know the mussels you keep catching in the brook are of the utmost importance to this outpost's survival, but next time invaders attack to slaughter our animals and rape our women (or men if the invaders are elves) please come inside and do not go outside if I give the alarm to go back inside. I already passed a not to Urist McUselessPeasant who, if you remember, went outside during the last siege, walked around a bit and headed back inside again. Please refrain from doing any of this.
Yours truly,
Urist McMayor
we have burrows for that. just designate the entirety of your fortress that's safe as a burrow and put it on an alarm system along with setting your militia on alert.
Post by: Icefire2314 on September 17, 2013, 04:46:21 pm
When I'm executing a horse for kitten-killing via atom-smashing, kindly not stand under the bridge with the horse.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 17, 2013, 06:53:31 pm
How, and I mean HOW did you end up dropping your infant, Ezum, into the river? There aren't even any wildlife around and even if there were you are armed, so don't try to say you were spooked by some deer!
I don't even know how I'm going to deal with this! Either dive in and drag your child out or I'll be forced to take the mining crew off of their duties to dig an emergency ditch! And I don't think they will be too amused with having to dig a trench in the rain...
~Your overseer, the ghost of Goden Udirkeshan.
Post by: wierd on September 17, 2013, 07:23:11 pm
Do you honestly expect me to hang onto this sewerbrew factory for an entire year, before abandoning it to run rampant in the fortress?
Honestly, I threw that turd sausage machine in with the carp ON PURPOSE, OK?
It isn't like we have some kind of filtration system in the fortress to suck up all those aweful spores my husband keeps shedding everywhere now do we? What would YOU do if after getting married, you suddenly got preggers and popped every year, like it or not? Eh? EH?
I'm a military woman, and can't stand being tied down like that, and so far no-one has seriously considered the prospects of adoption in this game, and I find the whole "the woman's place is in the home" type theme here to be more than just a bit sexist, M'kay? I married that drunken lout to have somebody clean the room while I'm out on patrol, not to make little baby meatshields.
I threw the baby into the water. Deal with it. I will pretend to be heartbroken when it dies, but trust me, it's just a show for everyone else. Forget about that diaper pail.
Mosus Kuletkubuk, Hammerdwarf
Post by: wierd on September 17, 2013, 07:24:33 pm
Post by: WanderingKid on September 17, 2013, 07:31:31 pm
Look, children. I'm all for 'let's hang out with mommy and daddy all day'. Even if you clog up the halls with your duckling trains. Fine.
GET THE HELL OFF THE WALL CONSTRUCTION SPOTS! You are --><-- far from being daycared the entire damned lot of you. If I build said daycare, the only way you get to leave is when you're old enough to take the job to PULL THE LEVER ON THE AIRLOCK.
Said daycare MAY be in the middle of the OMG. Undead pathing has slowed down and apparently I need live bait. Get it together children, or I'm going to 'help'.
-Overfiend
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 17, 2013, 07:35:39 pm
(Mumbles about doublepostings...)
Actually, she took my advice and dove right in. Turns out I didn't need to call in the mining squad; they just punctured the river for the well, dropping the average depth to 4 for a good stretch, giving her enough space for a speedy rescue.
Post by: xana55 on September 17, 2013, 07:42:45 pm
Dear overseer,
Do you honestly expect me to hang onto this sewerbrew factory for an entire year, before abandoning it to run rampant in the fortress?
Honestly, I threw that turd sausage machine in with the carp ON PURPOSE, OK?
It isn't like we have some kind of filtration system in the fortress to suck up all those aweful spores my husband keeps shedding everywhere now do we? What would YOU do if after getting married, you suddenly got preggers and popped every year, like it or not? Eh? EH?
I'm a military woman, and can't stand being tied down like that, and so far no-one has seriously considered the prospects of adoption in this game, and I find the whole "the woman's place is in the home" type theme here to be more than just a bit sexist, M'kay? I married that drunken lout to have somebody clean the room while I'm out on patrol, not to make little baby meatshields.
I threw the baby into the water. Deal with it. I will pretend to be heartbroken when it dies, but trust me, it's just a show for everyone else. Forget about that diaper pail.
Mosus Kuletkubuk, Hammerdwarf
That is by far the dwarfiest thing I've ever heard. Emergency Party by the bronze statues!
Post by: Baffler on September 18, 2013, 12:07:29 pm
Azure 1-Actual,
When you arrived at the vault last spring, I had high hopes for you. You arrived with your own -iron rifle-, and you even had some ammunition. So when I gave you your own squad I was quite pleased to see how quickly your subordinates learned how to shoot, and train with their bayonets too. Unfortunately, all of that training went out the window when you were actually sent into combat. Instead of firing your volleys and stabbing the super mutants like you were supposed too, you raced out the vault door and immediately tried to fight them with your bare hands! You really shouldn't be surprised by how well that worked out for you. The only reason any of you are alive at all is because Charcoal 2 was ready in reserve. They managed to figure out how to fight effectively with the same gear, so why couldn't you! You and your surviving squadmates will be reassigned to Vault Security, where your tendency to fight with your hands instead of your rifle will actually be a good thing.
Yours,
The Overseer
Post by: oldark on September 18, 2013, 02:56:50 pm
If the evil mist causes you to go berserk and start killing your fellow dwarves, please have the decency to leave the population first. Loyalty cascades
-Overseer
Post by: smjjames on September 19, 2013, 12:55:38 pm
Please stop appearing as children (according to dwarven standards) with ages that are considered teens or even adult ages. If you are a kid at heart, thats fine, just please stop showing up glitched.
Overseer of Steelvirgin.
Post by: Pinstar on September 19, 2013, 01:31:45 pm
Thank you for slaughtering that livestock. You went to get them as soon as I marked them for slaughter.
You even took their hide straight to the tanning workshop to cure it.
So why does your ADD kick in after you finish tanning? Why can't you just stay there and empty out the butcher's shop of all that fresh meat into the food stockpile I have RIGHT next to it before it all spoils? You are the reason I don't feel safe building any butchers shops underground. Do I have to make a burrow and assign you to it EVERY time I butcher ANYTHING so you'll clean out the meat quickly before going on to do other things?
Post by: malimbar04 on September 19, 2013, 01:49:15 pm
Oh... oops... I should probably actually put up a notice of traffic designations.
Edit: Damn it, winter froze the dwarf in the river. Sorry stupid dwarf. You will only likely be forgotten, but probably not with the year.
Post by: BumbleMead on September 19, 2013, 07:36:58 pm
I was excited when I saw that the first forgotten beast for this reclaim had appeared. Even better, you showed up while I was showing the game to one of my friends. My excitement quickly vanished when I realized that A) you were completely content to hang around in the caverns instead of causing fun, and B) you exuded extract with such apparent force that you launched yourself into the walls. At least, this is the only reason I can think of that you ricocheted off of several obstacles, and lost limbs as a result, which you later collided with. I would have thought that you would be better constructed.
In future, perhaps you could maybe be, I dunno, threatening? I mean for Armok's sake, you were a giant made of ice! I've got a horse who did more damage than you!
-no love, Bumblemead.
Post by: the1337doofus on September 22, 2013, 10:20:42 am
Who are you, and what have you done with my embarkment party? You cannot survive in the harsh glaciers, especially with the Spawn raiding you.
Sincerely, a very confused overseer.
Post by: wierd on September 22, 2013, 10:52:36 am
We are equally surprised to be here. We suspect that you have been tampering with the laws of nature, and have somehow (looks in arcane, ropereed bound book) "Duplicated entries in the Raws" (stops reading) somehow. The book of arcane knowledge says that if you do that, unpredictable things can happen, and right now, we are just happy we aren't slugmen, or kittens, and that our wagon is not made out of frozen gloom.
Sadly, we can do nothing about this problem, nor can you do anything about it. The book warns that this can only be solved by the complete and utter destruction of such worlds, and the redaction of the perverse changes made, as once the world is generated with the "Twisted Raws", it can never be put right again.
We are terribly frightened, and dont really know what a "Duplicated raw entry" is, but by the sounds of it, the consequences are quite severe, and the bizarre nature of our condition seems to fit the description penned within the book's pages. We are mortified at the idea that we must be completely destroyed, and cannot be redeemed!
Can you not just choose to overlook our afflictions, and try to command us misfits anyway?
Huddled together from both fear and cold,
--Confused elven fortress settlement party
Post by: the1337doofus on September 22, 2013, 04:46:28 pm
Dear Overseer,
We are equally surprised to be here. We suspect that you have been tampering with the laws of nature, and have somehow (looks in arcane, ropereed bound book) "Duplicated entries in the Raws" (stops reading) somehow. The book of arcane knowledge says that if you do that, unpredictable things can happen, and right now, we are just happy we aren't slugmen, or kittens, and that our wagon is not made out of frozen gloom.
Sadly, we can do nothing about this problem, nor can you do anything about it. The book warns that this can only be solved by the complete and utter destruction of such worlds, and the redaction of the perverse changes made, as once the world is generated with the "Twisted Raws", it can never be put right again.
We are terribly frightened, and dont really know what a "Duplicated raw entry" is, but by the sounds of it, the consequences are quite severe, and the bizarre nature of our condition seems to fit the description penned within the book's pages. We are mortified at the idea that we must be completely destroyed, and cannot be redeemed!
Can you not just choose to overlook our afflictions, and try to command us misfits anyway?
Huddled together from both fear and cold,
--Confused elven fortress settlement party
Elf fortress time!
Post by: Eric Blank on September 23, 2013, 02:03:43 am
Post by: Boltgun on September 23, 2013, 03:02:58 am
If it is a duplicated raw problem, then you should at least be able to play the game normally despite being elves, as the issue would not be in the dwarven entity
I read somewhere that the game open up other civs to play in certain conditions (like when there is no living dwarf in the world anymore).
Post by: the1337doofus on September 23, 2013, 08:54:41 am
If it is a duplicated raw problem, then you should at least be able to play the game normally despite being elves, as the issue would not be in the dwarven entity
I read somewhere that the game open up other civs to play in certain conditions (like when there is no living dwarf in the world anymore).
I don't think that's it, unless masterwork differs from giving you "embark + 2 migrant waves from nowhere" system. As for duplicated raws, I have no idea what could have done that, other than me trying to add The Spawn into masterwork.
Post by: Melanth on September 23, 2013, 11:25:32 am
Whilst your courage in the face of the latest Goblin onslaught was commendable, in particular that of our zweihander squad, a few issues of concern have come to my attention. I am aware that many of you have secondary professions to pass the month long monotony between ambushes, however that does not excuse those of you who are cross-trained as butchers choosing to abandon the battlefield to haul goblin carcasses to the butchers shop, some 80 z-levels away. Whilst your concern for this ever reliable supply of fresh meat and iron for our fortress is commendable, I am sure the remainder of your squad would have appreciated your patience in this regard. You are hereby reassigned to cavern duty.
Additionally, I have been informed that a large portion of said meat spoils in the nearby food stockpiles, generating misama that we could all live without. I am forced to question the economy of our haulers in moving the butchered parts out of the shop and leaving them on the bare cavern floor, thus requiring a second job to process them into barrels when delivering them directly to the barrels would be a much more advantagous use of time and energy.
Those of you assigned solely to cleaning and refuse duty would find the task much easier if our hauler's cooperation could be solicited in this regard. If so, perhaps time could be spared in the crafting hall to clean up the pools of blood, vomit and skeletons from the Giant Kea invasion some five years ago. Whilst blood is truely the most holy of fluids, our stonecrafters feel that covering every hard surface in the stuff is a tad excessive.
PS: Although being assigned the position of Manager grants certain privilages, I feel it is an excessive abuse of such to leave your work orders unsigned for two years whilst you sleep, eat and drink yourself into a diabetic coma. Our diplomats are beginning to grow impatient, and the floodgates connecting your stateroom to the magma forge resivoir are almost complete. Failure to comply by spring will result in your obsidian statue being placed in the corner of your successor's office as a motivational tool.
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 23, 2013, 03:11:17 pm
I do not understand why you keep coming year after year, only for us not to trade at all. We have never once exchanged goods. Not only that, but most of the merchants seem to spontaneously combust as they cross over the bridge into our fort. Even worse, you seem to keep coming in larger caravans year after year. I do not understand the thought process behind this. The first year there was only a single cart, and the second you came with three. It is now the third year and you have now come with 5 wagons.
I can guarantee that at least two will explode as they cross the bridge.
Sincerely, Goden Udirkeshan, the overseer of Rightscanyon.
Post by: wierd on September 23, 2013, 04:24:26 pm
We are in the midst of evaluating what the minimum required caravan size is to effectively reach your site, so that we can then appropriately determine how much to charge you for our goods, so as to best make use of a clearly, mutually, unfavorable situation.
Naturally, we can't compute the cost to benefit analysis on only 3 points of data. That is why we have been attempting to determine what the actual risk score is for your site.
If you could assist us in measuring this elusive variable in our financial forecast reports, by making the route to your site less tretcherous, and less costy, it would be mutually advantageous for us both.
We do understand that the most valuable resources are often located in the most difficult to access localities, which is why we feel due dilligence on our assessment is necessary.
For all w know, you could be drowning in shiny adamantine space suits, and a successful trade of even just a handful of them would easily justify the costs incurred. Until we can properly determine that, we aren't quite willing to give up on the venture just yet.
If you are so confident that at least half of our wagons will "explode" en-route, we would ask your cooperation in attempting to mitigate and minimize this risk.
-- departent of dwarven merchant affairs
---logistical finance office
----undersecretary of business analytics, Urist McBookeeper
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 23, 2013, 04:36:56 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's an issue with the way animals are attached to wagons and how they interact with ramps. While on their way out of the fortress the wagon briefly forces the pack animals through the wall and into the magma well, turning them into !!pack animals!! and filling my bridge with smoke and X-giant capybara hair bracelets-X.
I guess I'll have to temporarily remove the bridge and bucket brigade some more wall so that the animals only suffocate instead of exploding.
Edit: It worked! No more donkey grease lining my bridge! No more useless crap left by the puddles formerly known as merchants!
Post by: Akura on September 26, 2013, 12:36:26 pm
The fact that you immigrated as a Soap Maker was the only reason you have Metalcrafting duties. As such, while it's unlikely you'll have more work than simple hauling, the moment I give you a job is not the moment to go on break.
Sincerely, Overseer.
PS: By the way, did anyone see what happened to Bembûl? She's listed as missing, and I see her corpse in the river.
Dear Overseer:
RE: Bembûl.
Och, we saw her fall into the water when the ice thawed. She looked like she was fine, so we went on our merry way. Why do you ask?
Sincerely, Fisherdwarves.
Note: I was able to save Bembûl, but it took multiple savescums and learning how to use DFHack's liquids command.
Post by: YeOldeDorf on September 26, 2013, 03:10:59 pm
We DO have Plump Helmet Spawns.
Post by: Lielac on September 26, 2013, 03:47:00 pm
Dear Urist McPlanter,
We DO have Plump Helmet Spawns.
Dear Overseer,
D'ye have barrels allowed in yeh seed stockpile? Or, Armok forbid, seeds in yeh all-foods stockpile? Enterprisin' dwarves are likely t'grab the whole barrel to clean up one seed, and barrels kin hold a lot o' seeds.
Post by: LoneChipmunk on September 28, 2013, 04:32:17 am
While I understand the tremendous responsibility you hold in carving out our entire mountain home by yourself, I would appreciate it if you would limit your breaks to one month long at a time. Two is a bit excessive, and three is just asking for military duty.
Your loving overseer,
LoneChipmunk
Post by: ElenaRoan on September 28, 2013, 06:25:11 am
While I can understand the lure of creating something, and I appreciate it was armour that you created, however couldn't you have waited until AFTER the outpost liason had left?
- annoyed
Post by: Roostre on September 28, 2013, 11:44:55 am
I've written a song for you guys:
Guess what makes that little old dwarf
think he'll move that megabeast corpse
Anyone knows a dwarf can't
move a megabeast corpse
But he's got high hopes
He's got high hopes
He's got high-apple-pie in the
sky hopes
He disregarded thirst, wanted the job done first
Took just barely too long
Oops, there goes another little old dwarf
Oops, there goes another little old dwarf
It's a nice song, huh? I just thought I'd put it out there. Who knows? Maybe one or two of you will take the hint.
-- Your Manager
Post by: LoneChipmunk on September 28, 2013, 07:41:29 pm
There is a perfectly good stockpile for booze not 20 urist away from where that pile of booze was dumped. Would one of you mind explaining to me why you hauled the entire load back to the previous stockpile some 200 Urist away from where it was dumped? That stockpile is what we load the minecart with in the first place. All this means is that you are going to have to haul that booze yet again.
Your annoyed overseer,
The Lonely Chipmunk
Dear Urist McCooks and Urist McBrewers,
We are low on food and booze. Would the four of you kindly get off your asses and do your job before I use you for !!!SCIENCE!!!?
Your overseer who thinks water and mushrooms might just do,
Lone Chipmunk
Post by: Ki11aGhost on September 28, 2013, 09:20:46 pm
Maybe don't randomly stop brewing randomly when I'm preoccupied with goblins. Urist McRambo fought off 7 goblins single-handedly, only to fall to your careless inability to pull one of the dozens of plump helmets from the stockpile not 10 urists away, and brew the damn thing. Fifty deaths in a month from dehydration, not to mention the tantrums. You didn't deserve to live, so my last act before abandoning the place was to make sure you didn't, and you shan't.
~Sincerely, your very ticked off overlord.
Post by: itisnotlogical on September 28, 2013, 11:18:38 pm
Keas are small, small birds. You could probably wring one's neck just by looking at it funny. Why does our only pick now belong to the bastards?
- Urist McOverseer, vowing never to pick "play now" ever again.
Post by: WillowLuman on September 28, 2013, 11:34:29 pm
Dear Urist McStartingSeven,
Keas are small, small birds. You could probably wring one's neck just by looking at it funny. Why does our only pick now belong to the bastards?
- Urist McOverseer, vowing never to pick "play now" ever again.
You, sir, just earned a guilt-free use of "slayrace"
Post by: PainRack on September 29, 2013, 02:35:25 am
Overseer grumbling as he opens the lever to ask more dwarves to go foraging.
Notice to foraging party
A recent case of the dead rising has led to speculation that a necromancer is about. If you should see one,don't die.
Post by: LoneChipmunk on September 29, 2013, 02:55:58 am
Please, next time you roll your wheelbarrow over our once loved Legendary Miner, toss his body into the wheelbarrow and drop him in the correct pile outside next to the other 30 dead dwarves.
Hoping for a migrant wave
LoneChipmunk
Post by: Lielac on September 29, 2013, 03:30:10 am
You're a jackass. And hilarious. Unfortunately, I do not currently need the services of a legendary stonecrafter, so you're still on hauling duty.
Sincerely,
Your giggling overseer.
(Context: I didn't know dwarves were capable of sarcasm! (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=15096.msg4645759#msg4645759))
Post by: LoneChipmunk on September 30, 2013, 04:03:07 am
While your services as head brewer have been greatly appreciated here at Deerbasements, we feel that the cost of your services are too high to continue to employ you. However, we feel that, instead of the normal banishment we would inflict on one such as yourself, we have decided to instead promote you to the office of Head Manager and Head Book Keeper. As Head Paper Pusher, you will find your job comes with several new benefits. Of these, you will now have:
A) A snazzy new office. As Head Paper Pusher, you will be in charge of pushing papers around on your desk, and because of this your office will be furnished with as good of a table as we can aquire, and with a chair that is as good as we can make.
B) A fancy bedroom. As Head Paper Pusher, we feel that you will need your rest and because of this we will provide you with a fancy bedroom that you could take all of the dwarf ladies to, if you were ever likely to interact with any of them from here on out.
C) A fancy dining room. Again, as Head Paper Pusher, we feel you need a place where you can go eat as needed. While we don't know what you might choose to eat, we feel sure that you will need to have some place to eat it.
D) A crypt. Since you are dead, we thought it would be nice if you have a more traditional place to rest your unhead head, should you be in the mood to recreate your death.
We hope you will continue to serve us with the same zeal and vigor you have shown up to this point, and will offer us your services until death parts you and the fort.
Your slightly miffed overseer,
Lone Chipmunk
P.S. Just so you know, this is not an attempt to wall you into a location because you ate our best planter. Not even close.
Post by: jhuizinga on September 30, 2013, 04:56:14 am
It is of course completely understandable that you repeatedly had to cancel the construction of our much-needed defensive wall because a creature was occupying the building site. I wasn't even *very* surprised when I investigated and found that creature to be yourself. I learned to work around it. I didn't say anything either, when you insisted on bringing your newborn to work, which kept crawling all over the designations, resulting in the same error. I only got a minor twitching in my left eye. It did, however, prolong the construction maybe a bit too much. Maybe you'd agree with me after the Goblins got in on their fierce cave crocodiles. But this memorial slab is not for idle speculation. You and your baby are at peace now, I guess, unlike the rest of us -- although the giant sponge situation is a topic for another memorial...
Yours,
Urist McMayor/Engraver
Post by: squidgen on September 30, 2013, 07:31:31 am
I appreciate your help with the cleanup after that forgotten beast attack. But next time, don't drag all the dogs through the deadly blood, or you will be used as cave croc bait.
Post by: jcochran on September 30, 2013, 09:13:25 am
You've made your love of anvils quite evident. Now would you mind telling me what we're going to do with a dozen anvils? Right now, the forge we have setup is the deeps is temporary for use only until the magma pump stack is up and running. Meanwhile, the glass furnaces down there have priority. But even after the permanent forge level is constructed at a more accessible local, there is no need for a dozen forges. Perhaps a dozen furnaces if things go well, but not that many forges. Meanwhile, your fascination with anvils is costing materials and time that's better spent else where. Such as armor and weapons. You have noticed the various undead creatures outside haven't you? If the anvil fascination continues, perhaps you'll make an ideal diplomat to speak to them about not overrunning us until we've built up a decent military. At the very least, such a negotiation ought to provide some amusement and a lesson for your successor.
Post by: Pinstar on September 30, 2013, 10:08:10 am
Yes, I realize you cannot milk a creature without any empty buckets. Why don't you put the milk in the bucket you are holding into a stockpile first before looking for a new creature to milk? That way I don't need to build a bucket for every single milk producing animal just to keep you working efficiently.
While you're at it: please stop using up the whole damn stack of wool when spinning it into yarn. I might actually be able to build a clothing industry that is animal based rather than plant based if you'd actually use what our herds produce properly.
Post by: Larix on September 30, 2013, 10:49:14 am
you gave me a 'milk creature' order and put it on repeat. By the rules enforced by your very own management, that means i am on pain of death forbidden to interlace milking jobs with _anything_ else, and that unfortunately includes moving the milk to a stockpile, which is a hauling job.
If you allowed me to convert the milk into cheese right away, I could simply free up the bucket right after milking. It would make single cheeses instead of cheese wheels worth five meals, but it'd spare us all the annoying milk-juggling, hauling interruptions and bucket spam.
<I think it's mostly the same with manager-issued 'milk creature x30' assignments; milking is not intrinsically linked to a stockpiling job like harvesting/plant gathering, so the assignment of such jobs is completely random, and milkers on repeat _cannot_ haul the milk to a stockpile, because sticking with the repeat job has precedence.>
<I'm afraid you'll have to wait for another version if you want a barely sensible wool industry. I'm not aware of a fix for the stack-burning bug.>
Post by: Eric Blank on September 30, 2013, 06:32:16 pm
Dear Brewer Vampire,
While your services as head brewer have been greatly appreciated here at Deerbasements...
Your slightly miffed overseer,
Lone Chipmunk
P.S. Just so you know, this is not an attempt to wall you into a location because you ate our best planter. Not even close.
While he's busy pushing papers you can also set up a still (and possibly a farm plot) in his chambers, and have him grow and brew in privacy. It'd be a rather elaborate setup, but you could dump barrels and plants (if you don't give him a farm plot) down one chute into his quarters with a food stockpile at the bottom so plants don't rot, give him the order to brew like mad, and then order him to dump them down another chute that gives your dwarves access to the prepared booze. In this way he could, at least when you're willing to pay attention to him, ply his trade and supply some legendary drinks for your dwarves over the years.
Post by: LoneChipmunk on October 01, 2013, 02:02:15 am
While he's busy pushing papers you can also set up a still (and possibly a farm plot) in his chambers, and have him grow and brew in privacy. It'd be a rather elaborate setup, but you could dump barrels and plants (if you don't give him a farm plot) down one chute into his quarters with a food stockpile at the bottom so plants don't rot, give him the order to brew like mad, and then order him to dump them down another chute that gives your dwarves access to the prepared booze. In this way he could, at least when you're willing to pay attention to him, ply his trade and supply some legendary drinks for your dwarves over the years.
I believe I have set up his housing arrangements in such a way that I could do something like that. However, right now I need him to focus on managing the fort and not trying to brew. He is a lousy manager and bookkeeper at this time, but that is to be expected. My fort is, at this moment, barely hanging in there and because of this, my attention must be focused elsewhere at this time.
Speaking of which;
Dear Urist McCaravanGuard,
While I commend your comrade's bravery in trying fending off the not one, not two, but THREE goblin ambushes that arose when someone tread into the southern forest (hereafter refered to the Forest of Doom), it is sad to see him pincushioned by goblin archers and left laying on the ground to die while you and the other dozen of you sit in my overcrowded Trade Depot. In the future, please note on your way out the 5 urist wide stretch between the channel and the Gates and the ballista battery lined up to fire down that little length of dirt.
Friends don't let friends die by pincushioning.
Lone Chipmunk
Post by: Lielac on October 01, 2013, 03:16:11 am
THAT CRAFTDWARF'S SHOP? IS FOR STRAND EXTRACTION. AS SEEN BY THE FACT THAT I PLUNKED IT DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CANDY. IT IS NOT FOR YOUR SIX-YEAR-OLD MOODINESS. IT IS ESPECIALLY NOT FOR YOUR SIX-YEAR-OLD MOODINESS WHEN IT WON'T EVEN GET ME A GODDAMN LEGENDARY STONECRAFTER. FUCK OFF.
OH, WHAT'S THAT? YOU ONLY WANTED ONE STONE FOR YOUR LITTLE ARTS AND CRAFTS PROJECT SO NOW I CAN'T FORBID THE CANDY YOU GRABBED WITHOUT MAKING YOU GO CRACKERS? WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKING SWELL. AT LEAST I HAVE DISPLAY CASES SO I CAN MAKE USE OF WHATEVER SHITTY EXCUSE FOR AN ARTIFACT YOU CREATE.
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH,
YOUR OVERSEER
Post by: LoneChipmunk on October 01, 2013, 03:23:47 am
From this point forward we are on lockdown. The 4 goblin ambushes (including the one that resulted in the spear goblin in the larder) have driven our population so far down that, at this point, we can no longer handle such loses. Thankfully, we have enough food to last us years, and maybe, just maybe, we will be able to rebuild.
Also, congradulations on becoming part of Deerbasement's first Citizens Defense Force. Please line up for your turn on the training ballista.
Your very upset overseer,
Lone Chipmunk
P.S.
Please stop running infront of the ballista. This is no time to commit suicide.
Post by: the1337doofus on October 02, 2013, 11:54:14 am
Please, for the love of all that is armok-y, learn to use a single file line. This past month, we've lost 10 important citizens to being knocked off the volcano edge into the magma/lava, and we can't afford to lose any more dwarves. Every time you cluster around the opening, you risk knocking your fellow dwarves into the lava along with the trash you've been ordered to dump in.
- Overseer Doof.
Is there a way to prevent this kind of thing from happening? I ordered a dumping of random garbage into the volcano, and I lost a few dwarves to the volcano somehow.
Post by: Gamerlord on October 02, 2013, 12:00:41 pm
Please refrain for parking your wagon at the edge of the volcano when you first arrive. I now the view is nice, but the inevitable dwarf-animal fights cause too many immolations for your behaviour to continue.
Your Exasperated Overlord
Post by: Gamerlord on October 02, 2013, 12:00:59 pm
Post by: Dolwin on October 02, 2013, 01:23:43 pm
Spoiler: Volcano Deaths (click to show/hide)
Dear Overseer,
Perhaps a guard rail for the ramp leading up to the volcano would secure the path. Then we could build a floor and guard rail over the mouth of the volcano itself, along with a hatch cover to prevent falling into the garbage dumping hole.
On the plus side, magma is a pretty shade of red. Some of us get happy thoughts from the pretty color, so the death isnt that bad.
Sincerely,
Magma explorers union #37
Post by: Splint on October 02, 2013, 01:51:17 pm
Notice to all fortress members;
Please, for the love of all that is armok-y, learn to use a single file line. This past month, we've lost 10 important citizens to being knocked off the volcano edge into the magma/lava, and we can't afford to lose any more dwarves. Every time you cluster around the opening, you risk knocking your fellow dwarves into the lava along with the trash you've been ordered to dump in.
- Overseer Doof.
Is there a way to prevent this kind of thing from happening? I ordered a dumping of random garbage into the volcano, and I lost a few dwarves to the volcano somehow.
Depending on where the dump site is you may be losing dwarves to magma mist.
Post by: Gentlefish on October 02, 2013, 07:32:14 pm
Post by: wierd on October 02, 2013, 11:12:18 pm
Post by: the1337doofus on October 02, 2013, 11:25:16 pm
Yes, we get it, you dislike dwarves for mining out the mountains. However, I feel that your 35 dwarf killing spree was unnecessary. You could have simply scheduled a meeting with the expedition leader, but instead you knocked his head off his shoulders. Shame on you for being so violent, there's children here! In fact, they're pretty much all that's left after you stupidly wandered into a cage trap going for that boulder crab.
To the random stray boulder crab I put outside the door to catch thieves;
Good on ya' mate. Rest in piece, I'll make sure your chitin is made into a fine bracelet.
To the group of migrants of Summer of 54;
You have perhaps saved the fortress, you shall be rewarded. If only you weren't all peasants. What in the bloody hell am I supposed to do to salvage this blood-coated wreck of a fortress with skilless peasants, just haul it back to it's previous state?
-Your very irritated overseer, Doof.
Post by: Eric Blank on October 03, 2013, 02:56:03 am
Post by: the1337doofus on October 03, 2013, 07:34:27 am
You can try putting them all on masonry duty to build coffins and slabs, and engrave and install them and entomb the dead before the dead increase the number of the dead by making the peasants dead.
I should probably do that........... unfortunately, that advice is for future fortresses now, because a wave of warlock thieves (in case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm playing Masterwork) got in and one of them happened to be a necro. My little dwarven posterior was not ready.
Post by: Pinstar on October 03, 2013, 07:52:10 am
I appreciate your enthusiasm for your job. I built a pump next to the ocean to both draw up some water and desalinate it and you ran right to it when I asked for someone to operate it. I even made a channel on the other end for the water to drain into after you pumped it.
However, you must have been trying impress somebody because you went at that pump like it was a freaking Olympic sport, pumped so much water that it overwhelmed the ditch, flooded onto the ground and washed you away into the ocean.
Perhaps in the next life you'll learn to take it easier.
Post by: Snaake on October 03, 2013, 08:18:05 am
Dear Urist McPumpoperator
I appreciate your enthusiasm for your job. I built a pump next to the ocean to both draw up some water and desalinate it and you ran right to it when I asked for someone to operate it. I even made a channel on the other end for the water to drain into after you pumped it.
However, you must have been trying impress somebody because you went at that pump like it was a freaking Olympic sport, pumped so much water that it overwhelmed the ditch, flooded onto the ground and washed you away into the ocean.
Perhaps in the next life you'll learn to take it easier.
Dear overseer,
oooooooOOOoooOOOOOOoooOOOoo
Translation: Well, we pump operators would be out of jobs if we pumped any slower than windmill- or waterwheel-powered pumps, wouldn't we? And then you'd just have even more dwarves just lazing about hauling socks back and forth.
Spoiler: advice for the future (click to show/hide)
. I built an aqueduct that drained off the map edge at ground level, and initially had about 15 tiles of the aquifer also 1z up, but found that the water never extended more than 3 tiles or so on z+1 before falling/draining off the map. Note that the above 3-5 tiles is only valid as long as your ditch is still draining somewhere; once the reservoir and ditch are full, it will start overflowing anyway, if your pump is higher than the ditch.Post by: smjjames on October 03, 2013, 03:16:26 pm
Okay, so you got dunked into the water after a minor cave in, but to get out you could have gone northeast up the ramp you were standing on or even gone a tile east and get out there, but noooo, you had to go 5 tiles southeast past tons of ramps and then go east, dying right on the ramp.
P.S. I autodumped your corpse and other stuff onto land so that you could at least get buried.
Post by: Ultimuh on October 03, 2013, 04:49:11 pm
P.S. I autodumped your corpse and other stuff onto land so that you could at least get buried.
Dear overseer.
That's awfully nice of you my good overseer.
Most other overseers would have left my body to rot, thrown it into lava or atom-smashed it.
Post by: LoneChipmunk on October 03, 2013, 10:44:42 pm
As you may have noticed, the carpet in the fortress moves, and needs cleaning. There are three things wrong with this. For one, this fortress doesn't have carpet. Two, the smell is from the animals that make up said carpet. Three, there are so many cats, dogs, pigs, cavies, turkeys, peafowl, and other animals we can't move. Haulers will be split into two groups; those that kill animals, and those that tan hides. Report to the makeshift butchery wing and start 'cleaning the carpet'
Your Animal-loving Overseer,
LoneChipmunk
<Seriously though. I have 262 animals in this fort. I've only bought a few, and embarked with 6. The dangers of not killing things as they spawn...>
Post by: smjjames on October 03, 2013, 11:14:10 pm
Perhaps you could um, pasture, the animals or otherwise cage them to prevent said situation next time?
P.S. Either one would make it easier to butcher them instead of running around trying to catch them.
Chief Butcherdwarf of Deerbasements.
Post by: vanatteveldt on October 04, 2013, 09:43:11 am
I really appreciate that you understand the way it is in early forts, and that you chip in hauling ore next your mining duties. I also really appreciate that you understood that that piece of stone in the new burrow your were assigned to needed to be mined right now, and left your wheelbarrow filled with ore in the corridor to mine it. Finally, I appreciate your sense of duty that you returned to your wheelbarrow as soon as you were let out of the mining burrow so you could finish the hauling job.
But what on earth make you decided to *carry* the wheelbarrrow and its contents to the ore stockpile rather than just pushing it along? Did you need the workout or something?
Sincerely,
Your slightly puzzled overseer
Post by: Iceblaster on October 04, 2013, 10:58:00 am
While your horrifying transfiguration into a colorful pony is horrorfying, I don't care if you think that statue of a slug must go.
You have one job. Build houses. Not tearing down slug statues
Post by: LoneChipmunk on October 06, 2013, 03:05:10 am
Please stop suspending work you can clearly do without problem. You all are just being lazy good for nothings. Keep this up, and I will have the miners dig greedily and too deep.
Work harder,
LoneChipmunk
Post by: Larix on October 06, 2013, 04:50:28 am
Dear Urist McEveryone,
Please stop suspending work you can clearly do without problem. You all are just being lazy good for nothings. Keep this up, and I will have the miners dig greedily and too deep.
Work harder,
LoneChipmunk
Dear overseer,
if we suspend work, it's _because we can't do it_. The reasons may be completely asinine, like a XSockX marked for hauling sitting in the place you want a door installed; getting totally hammered and deciding it'd be a great idea to build a wall on top of our feet is also quite popular (famous bug, you'll have to cancel the build order and designate again, unsuspending doesn't help). To get us to do it right, you have to fix whatever gummed up the jobs, building up an intense keyboard rage will be utterly unhelpful to us and you.
Work smarter, then we'll work harder.
Cheers,
your loyal (but not very smart) drunks.
Post by: thefish1992 on October 06, 2013, 03:16:05 pm
Your defeatism attitude is getting on my nerves. STOP MANDATING COFFINS!
Look i know death happens, I get that, but you are depressing your fellow dwarves (why they elected you, i have no idea)
and this constant doomsaying about my fortress running skills hurts my feelings.
With (soon to be) warm regards.
thefish1992
Dear miners
I know the rock is hot down by the forges. you have told me several times of how the rock is hot their. you only ever needed to tell me once. Now i know the mayor has little faith in me, but if you just dig were i tell you everything will be fine. so if you could dig with out spamming me that would be great.
with (annoyingly) warm regards
thefish1992
Dear Gremlin
Welp, that could of gone better huh?
no idea why you thought walking right into a guardian of armok was a great idea, but watching your body fly into are fortress wall provided a much needed (and amusing) break from the fortress affairs.
I Thank you sir.
With (honest) warm regards
thefish1992
Post by: BlackMuffin on October 06, 2013, 10:23:17 pm
When you start complaining about the rotting corpses in the hallway, I would like to remind it was specifically your job as a corpse hauler to place them in the corpse stockpile which is conveniently located just four tiles or so around the corner you're standing at. Instead of standing around and complaining, do your god damn job and actually place that elf inside the room where all the other corpses are rotting away.
THE STOCKPILE'S THERE FOR A FUCKING REASON Y'KNOW <3
Love,
Your Overseer
Post by: ancistrus on October 07, 2013, 03:04:49 pm
There is little of value to be found on a glacier, but polar bears count. It takes a long time for one to bless us with its presence. They are not for you to shoot at, they are my property, tamed or not. You saw all these cages on your way to the depot right?
Long story short, you are going to die.
Dear hunter, who just immigrated and started hunting a bear and also brought 6 kids,
you are not even trying.
Post by: Pinstar on October 08, 2013, 03:45:13 pm
You are a badass, but when your dumbass squad decides to charge the goblin invasion and I tell you all to pull back, please please please pull back rather than attempting a last stand.
Oh and Dear Urist McMasons. That 1x1 hole you left in our wall that the marksdwarfs decided to charge out of? Yeah that better get built NOW or I'm filling it with a stone slab and your names will be carved on it.
Post by: Urist MacNoob on October 09, 2013, 02:15:51 pm
Dear Urist McCapitan of the guard, legendary bowyer, badass marksdwarf rare migrant with 178 kills to your name but aren't a vampire.
You are a badass, but when your dumbass squad decides to charge the goblin invasion and I tell you all to pull back, please please please pull back rather than attempting a last stand.
Oh and Dear Urist McMasons. That 1x1 hole you left in our wall that the marksdwarfs decided to charge out of? Yeah that better get built NOW or I'm filling it with a stone slab and your names will be carved on it.
Overseer,
You know damn well what I think of the outside world and yer ninny 'do this, do that' attitude withou'e'en pullin' yer weight. Why don't YOU get out there and built it YOURSELF? Do some'n yourself for a change, 'cause I'll be damned if I miss another beard grooming 'cause of some cowardly, whiny archers needin' their COVER and PROTECT'SHUN!
Post by: Gentlefish on October 09, 2013, 07:50:18 pm
How about you provide your own protection? You know, from me. Because I'm haunting your ass now that you didn't want to fill a hole with rock like you were ordered and instead sat around while YOUR protection went out and got slaughtered because of work YOU neglected to do.
Yours forever now,
Sadistic Ghost McCaptain.
Post by: ImagoDeo on October 10, 2013, 01:55:23 am
I was
Post by: lazygun on October 10, 2013, 02:28:28 am
Post by: the1337doofus on October 10, 2013, 08:55:57 am
That's why the "anyone can trade" option exists.
Yeah, but if anyone can trade, you won't get values for items, meaning you'll have to guess on the worth of your trades. Plus, who doesn't like a good dwarf lynching?
Post by: Larix on October 10, 2013, 10:27:03 am
That's why the "anyone can trade" option exists.
Yeah, but if anyone can trade, you won't get values for items, meaning you'll have to guess on the worth of your trades.
Not true. All value displays in a fortress check whether the _broker_ has appraisal skill, nothing else, and that includes the trading screen. I have my depots set to 'anyone may trade' all the time and never need to guess.
If you depend on the first dwarf caravan to actually _get_ enough appraisal skill, that's easy to achieve with 'anybody may trade' - just wait until a dwarf takes the trading job, then make _that_ dwarf your broker. Then trade, and your new broker will have a shiny new appraisal skill and you get all your value ratings.
Quote
Plus, who doesn't like a good dwarf lynching?
Granted, that's a valid point.
Dear Urist McLyemaker a.k.a. care to remind us why we nominated you for ennoblement?
Yes, we're also a bit worn out on this fort, so there hasn't been much call for your legendary lye-making skills (although we much appreciate having about 200 bars of rock nut soap). But your fervent use of your mandating powers whenever you can take time out from your busy schedule of hauling rocks, chatting with outpost liaisons and spawning dwarf babies with your wife, the mayor, is getting tiresome. "Make spears!" "Make mittens!" "Make more spears!" "Lest I forget, don't you dare export the precious Mittens!" etc. ad nauseam.
The more annoying habits are of course the mitten export bans, because they make it unreasonably difficult to get rid of your Xpig tail left gloveX and xsheep wool right mittenxs. As for the spears, we'll just humour you and place a lot of upright ☼silver spear☼ around the fortress and make a speardwarf squad entirely drafted from your offspring. If we ever run out of ideas, we _might_ go and build a spear delivery minecart route, sending spears just to your bedroom. Depends on how much you like your spears and how many you mandate...
Cheers,
the forge and mechanics union.
Post by: smjjames on October 10, 2013, 10:46:08 am
Post by: the1337doofus on October 10, 2013, 11:13:37 am
stuff....I never knew that. Well, you sir just taught me something incredibly useful. Also, magma. The answer to your problem is large amounts of magma, as he's a lye maker, and even if he's good at it, lye makers are quite common. So magma, or anything that will induce death in him.
Post by: jcochran on October 10, 2013, 01:12:56 pm
Yes, we're also a bit worn out on this fort, so there hasn't been much call for your legendary lye-making skills (although we much appreciate having about 200 bars of rock nut soap). But your fervent use of your mandating powers whenever you can take time out from your busy schedule of hauling rocks, chatting with outpost liaisons and spawning dwarf babies with your wife, the mayor, is getting tiresome. "Make spears!" "Make mittens!" "Make more spears!" "Lest I forget, don't you dare export the precious Mittens!" etc. ad nauseam.
And that's why when my population approaches 80 or so, I start to look at the personalities of all my dwarves until I find a half dozen or so candidates who don't like any objects and write their names down so when the liaison asks for a candidate, I have a nice innocent name available who when ennobled won't be issuing mandates left and right. It's OK to like certain colors, creatures, foods, drinks. But someone who likes crowns? Nope, not on the list. Spears? Nope. Not gonna nominate him either. Bolts? .... maybe ... if no one else is available. But the ideal noble is one who has no likes and is otherwise in a useless position. Unfortunately, mayors are a different issue. Yes, I can replace the current mayor with one of my choice, but that is just temporary and within a year, a different annoying mayor is elected..... hmmm... Perhaps if I find a mayor candidate and remove all labors from him or her so they can just simply socialize in the meeting area? That might make 'em popular enough to get elected. But it's ... iffy.
Post by: Eric Blank on October 10, 2013, 05:49:28 pm
Post by: narhiril on October 10, 2013, 06:33:52 pm
You can try buying populations animal-men off the elves and hope that they socialize enough to get elected mayor. You'll need quite a few of one species, though. Breeding them is always a possibility.
Just make sure you feed them. My cave swallow woman mayor starved to death.
Post by: Eric Blank on October 11, 2013, 11:48:20 pm
Post by: smjjames on October 12, 2013, 12:39:08 am
Oh, yeah. They can't be caged or pastured, because sentient pets need to eat, and dwarves won't bring them food or water. Alternatively, animal-men of varieties which would normally require grazing must be provided proper pastures along with an included water source, because they must graze.
Actually, technically you can pasture them since the interface allows it and I have used it to move a tiger man quickly somewhere. However, Eric is right on that point, unless you have a food and water source in the pasture, they will starve or die of thirst.
Not sure what a cave swallowman would eat though, seeds?
Post by: shadenight123 on October 12, 2013, 04:58:09 pm
...
Not sure what a cave swallowman would eat though, seeds?
I'm sure he'll...swallow anything.
oh god...I feel...I'm sorry, But I couldn't let it rest!
Post by: the1337doofus on October 19, 2013, 11:04:08 pm
Stop....err..... actually, you're doing good. Keep up the good work, and you shall be rewarded with nicer houses and little things that make life better for you simple little guys.
- Expedition leader Doof
Post by: gabrek on October 20, 2013, 11:39:35 am
Regarding your excitement as you kicked in the door to my office, screaming from your self satisfaction, brandishing the following item:
Rakustaral, an alpaca wool right mitten. Or "Tombswoman," you've taken to calling it.
Initially, our broker appraised this item at being worth a staggering 372,440 urists. "This is a(sic) alpaca wool right mitten!" he exclaimed. "All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality! It is studded with adamantine, decorated with cat leather and encircled with bands of sheep wool, elk bone and fungiwood. It is made from alpaca wool cloth, and the thread is emerald with emerald dye. This object menaces with spikes of tower-cap!"
He went on to tell me that on the item is an image of.. Tombswoman, the alpaca right wool mitten.. in alpaca wool. And an image of Tombswoman, the alpaca right wool mitten, in cat leather. And an image of Tombswoman, the alpaca right wool mitten, in fungiwood.
I am an understanding McNoble. If you get the crazy idea to waste hundreds of thousands of urists worth of material and materiel making a single mitten, with three pictures of itself on it, each one so detailed as to include the three pictures of itself on each of the pictures of itself, each of which also has three pictures of itself, pictures included, on it, and so on... go for it. Urist McEngineer has marveled at the detail, which apparently reaches quantum level. I don't mind you locking yourself inside a workshop for a week straight screaming about our bone supply. This mitten is beautiful, it's miraculously perfect, and it's completely without value to anyone in the fortress...
...except to you, it seems. What I DO object to is you locking yourself in my office for a week straight afterwards. We all know Bim Balnil engraved that controversial and masterful image of Urist McSoldier starving to death, depressed from being naked when she was locked up for accidentally killing a McCraftsdwarf during a routine beating. Locking yourself in there with your legendary right wool mitten.
You are assigned to nothing but CLEANING duty until every "pool of Os Ledinul's dwarf goo" is out of my office. Otherwise that mitten is going straight into the volcano with you still wearing it.
Dear Bim Balnil, McMason;
I do not appreciate the masterful image of Os Ledinul "triumphantly holding" that fucking mitten being engraved in the main dining hall. Children eat there, you sick bastard.
-Gabrek McNoble
Post by: IronTomato on October 21, 2013, 07:08:39 am
When I told you to kill those crundles, which are running around hurting people, I meant for you to do it NOW.
-IronTomato
Post by: Nidilap on October 21, 2013, 08:59:44 am
It has come to my attention that you are planning to send a massive migrant wave consisting mostly of Nobles to our mountain home. I formally say, with every Dwarf's best interest at heart, that that wave should FUCK OFF!!!! Send a caravan instead!!
Signed,
Lord Urist McMayor, Mayor of ElfShoots
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 21, 2013, 09:38:15 pm
I'm not hating, and nor am I judging. I know food can be hard to come by. But where the hell did you come from that your preferred meal is DAGOTH CULTIST? Seriously, are you trying to Blight the whole fort? You're not having any.
Disgustedly,
The Tonal Architect, aka Dwemer Overseer
Dear All of You,
What. The Hell. You named your fort Bowelmined? All I can think of is that you must all be constipated or something. Just...don't use Dwemer technology to fix it.
Amused and disgusted,
The Tonal Architect
Post by: ☼!!Troll Fur Sock!!☼ on October 23, 2013, 06:35:56 am
Dear Ponies of Bucklace;IS THIS REALLY DWARF FORTRESS
Stop....err..... actually, you're doing good. Keep up the good work, and you shall be rewarded with nicer houses and little things that make life better for you simple little guys.
- Expedition leader Doof
Dear Urist McDumbmechanic
Waiting with conneting our gates to a lever for a year and then running away screaming when the zombies attacked was quite dwarfly. So dwarfly it was overly dwarfly. Therefore, I nominate you The Real Dwarf. With that position comes an axe and a boot outta the fortress. Have luck fending them off while other mechanics try to fix your shiet.
Your family and pets have been already assigned to Strike Force Z. You will see them soon.
Post by: the1337doofus on October 23, 2013, 11:06:29 am
Dear Ponies of Bucklace;IS THIS REALLY DWARF FORTRESS
Stop....err..... actually, you're doing good. Keep up the good work, and you shall be rewarded with nicer houses and little things that make life better for you simple little guys.
- Expedition leader Doof
It's a pony mod, and I'm just at the very beginning. I suspect bad things will happen sooner or later.
Dear Ponies of Bucklace;
There is work to be done. Stop spending 2 weeks just feasting on dandelions and sunshine booze.
Post by: nightdagger on October 25, 2013, 01:53:57 pm
I greatly appreciate the speed at which you responded to my orders to assist the human caravan in re-re-re-re dispatching the undead mangled louse corpse at our trade depot recently. I would question the wisdom of engaging such a creature in close combat, considering that you are carrying a perfectly good crossbow, and a quiver full of just some of the more than one thousand bolts of ammunition available. However, I must congratulate you on your results, if not your methods, as you proceeded to BITE ITS FRAPPING HEAD OFF.
Please stop by the hospital on your next break to speak with Urist McPsychiatrist. And congratulations on your victory.
------
Dear Urist McButcherdwarf,
What in Armok's name possessed you to BUTCHER the six-times-slain giant louse that Urist McChompydwarf decapitated!?! Do you think anyone would really want to eat that even if it hadn't been risen from th-
*urp*
...Carry on, I guess.
Signed,
Your thoroughly nauseated Overseer
Post by: tahujdt on November 01, 2013, 03:18:24 pm
Siggy!QuotePlus, who doesn't like a good dwarf lynching?Granted, that's a valid point.
Post by: gabrek on November 04, 2013, 01:49:56 pm
(http://s13.postimg.org/pvedja3h3/great_gassy_ass.jpg)
That's right guys, the great ass of gas. We've officially dug too deep.
-Zafon McKing
Post by: flame99 on November 04, 2013, 05:55:11 pm
Attention Military of Mountainhome Showerbolt,This is by far the funniest thing I've seen all day.
(http://s13.postimg.org/pvedja3h3/great_gassy_ass.jpg)
That's right guys, the great ass of gas. We've officially dug too deep.
-Zafon McKing
Post by: Greyhoundfd on November 04, 2013, 07:20:08 pm
I understand that you might get very hungry in the fields, but when the entire seasons crop comes in it would make my job a lot easier if you did not eat everything before it gets to the fort. It's great that you're happy, but I am tired of the other dwarves picking fights with the hunting dogs and getting their heads ripped off.
-
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
For Armok's sake, you're allowed to haul, and I have a storage zone for the fish you catch, so why do you just leave it next to the river for months while it rots!? Your fish are about half my food supply, and you can't just leave them on the ground!
Post by: Colden on November 04, 2013, 07:27:56 pm
Fuck you.
Sincerely, The Fucker that has to watch you do jack shit all day.
Post by: MasterOfLazdumat on November 04, 2013, 08:12:50 pm
This isn't a complaint, but an observation; your excellent record more than speaks for itself. However, why is it that when you decapitate a goblin, the head always goes flying somewhere but the headgear stays with the body? It's amazing!
Dear metalsmiths of Lazdumat:
Another artifact adamantine war hammer? What am I supposed to do, start a croquet club?
Post by: PDF urist master on November 04, 2013, 09:46:21 pm
That's right guys, the great ass of gas. We've officially dug too deep.
-Zafon McKing
i'm just gonna sig that.
Post by: poisoned_salami on November 07, 2013, 08:57:24 pm
No. We will not make more gauntlets for you. Especially an odd number of gauntlets. The smiths have more than enough work to do, already, what with the pump stack and all.
Besides, we still have plenty of other armor to try on, so why don't you try some of that? It's good to expand your horizons when it comes to armor types. But seriously, the fortress is overflowing with it. Besides, if you put it on, it MAY just help you, should you decide to order the construction of more gauntlets.
Your overlord,
Poisoned Salami
P.S. What the heck do you need three gauntlets for anyways?
Post by: UnlawfullyDeranged on November 07, 2013, 10:18:48 pm
Dear Mr. Mayor,
No. We will not make more gauntlets for you. Especially an odd number of gauntlets. The smiths have more than enough work to do, already, what with the pump stack and all.
Besides, we still have plenty of other armor to try on, so why don't you try some of that? It's good to expand your horizons when it comes to armor types. But seriously, the fortress is overflowing with it. Besides, if you put it on, it MAY just help you, should you decide to order the construction of more gauntlets.
Your overlord,
Poisoned Salami
P.S. What the heck do you need three gauntlets for anyways?
Beard
Post by: BlackFlyme on November 07, 2013, 10:36:44 pm
Dear Mr. Mayor,
No. We will not make more gauntlets for you. Especially an odd number of gauntlets. The smiths have more than enough work to do, already, what with the pump stack and all.
Besides, we still have plenty of other armor to try on, so why don't you try some of that? It's good to expand your horizons when it comes to armor types. But seriously, the fortress is overflowing with it. Besides, if you put it on, it MAY just help you, should you decide to order the construction of more gauntlets.
Your overlord,
Poisoned Salami
P.S. What the heck do you need three gauntlets for anyways?
Beard
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Seriously though, you got lucky. A noble who likes armour and weapons is much preferable to one who wants useless junk.
My favorite is one who likes bolts, that way I get reminders to make ammunition from time to time.
Post by: krg on November 09, 2013, 05:32:41 am
(long name, I know)
I understand that when the desire and inspiration hit, you have to answer the call. Not a problem. I had a weaponsmith though and he was doing fine. Anyhoo, thank you very very much for the iron long sword, it shall hopefully be used to kill many goblins, (we are at war you know) but my question is this; did you have to name it Vathezestun? "Virginbind" in the low language of the humans. Is this an innuendo for something? Are you trying to hint that you would like a spouse? if you are, suffer. We work in this fort, not loll around and party all day. That is why you will never find a meeting hall anywhere here. You wish you get to know someone, fine. Do it on your time.
Also, the name "Virginbind," don't you think that it would be better suited to something else? Like, maybe rope?
Wonderingly,
Your overseer,
Krg
Post by: BumbleMead on November 09, 2013, 11:20:27 am
Wow. Just wow. I already kind of suspected that you guys drop wagons from some kind of large bird or something, but this is nuts. How on earth were you able to even get the wagon into that room? It's barely big enough to fit, and yet you somehow managed to drive a three tile wide wagon through a one tile wide door. I know it's a bit cold here in spring, but that seems a little excessive, to jam a wagon into a hatching room. Kudos on breaking reality, now take the wagon apart. I want to set up egg production in here.
-Baffled, Bumblemead
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: poisoned_salami on November 09, 2013, 06:04:49 pm
Dear Reclaim Party,My friends, this is proof that the mountainhomes both HAVE knowledge of teleportation, and are withholding this knowledge from us. We cannot accept this transgression. We must rebel. Can you imagine what we could do with such power? We are dwarf fortress players. Think of the power we could harness. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
Wow. Just wow. I already kind of suspected that you guys drop wagons from some kind of large bird or something, but this is nuts. How on earth were you able to even get the wagon into that room? It's barely big enough to fit, and yet you somehow managed to drive a three tile wide wagon through a one tile wide door. I know it's a bit cold here in spring, but that seems a little excessive, to jam a wagon into a hatching room. Kudos on breaking reality, now take the wagon apart. I want to set up egg production in here.
-Baffled, BumblemeadSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Also, why is that image so huge?
On Topic:
Dear Urist McManager:
I have reviewed
Why did you not alert me of this? We could have saved lives. More importantly, we could have saved time.
Also, even if you didn't know that tin was not magma safe, or just didn't bother to add 2&2 together, you could have said "But, boss, we have no tin!" Instead of having the metalsmiths complain about "job item misplaced".
I hate you,
P.Sal. II,
Mortal embodiment of the overseer
EDIT:
WOW, i guess i am lucky. The mayor likes gauntlets, and the baron likes maces.Dear Mr. Mayor,
No. We will not make more gauntlets for you. Especially an odd number of gauntlets. The smiths have more than enough work to do, already, what with the pump stack and all.
Besides, we still have plenty of other armor to try on, so why don't you try some of that? It's good to expand your horizons when it comes to armor types. But seriously, the fortress is overflowing with it. Besides, if you put it on, it MAY just help you, should you decide to order the construction of more gauntlets.
Your overlord,
Poisoned Salami
P.S. What the heck do you need three gauntlets for anyways?
BeardSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Seriously though, you got lucky. A noble who likes armour and weapons is much preferable to one who wants useless junk.
My favorite is one who likes bolts, that way I get reminders to make ammunition from time to time.
I will only acknowledge the baron's requests though, as he's named after me.
You may now call me "Baron Von Salami"
Post by: misko27 on November 10, 2013, 11:47:28 am
If I figure out which of you cut the last of our bituminous coal, I will drop you in with the FB and the crundles. Now we're mining like crazy to keep the metal industry alive. Thanks idiots.
Sincerely, The Overseer.
Dear Urist McMetalcrafters and FurnaceOperators,
Shut up. I know we have a problem. I will fix it. Be patient. Go enjoy the new well or something.
Sincerely, The Overseer
Post by: Mrpoodle on November 10, 2013, 12:31:05 pm
Sincerely, your Overseer
Post by: Sirbug on November 10, 2013, 12:38:52 pm
Post by: Grey Goo on November 10, 2013, 12:47:40 pm
You may now call me "Baron Von Salami"
Okay... *Pulls the lever...*
Post by: KingBacon on November 10, 2013, 02:33:40 pm
I understand why you are angry that a mandate was ignored, but you really shouldn't be punishing veterans of the Deep War. They survived the worst event in our history. Why couldn't you just blame so random slag. Now one of our best sword dorfs is heavily injured, though it might be my fault for giving the guards slade war hammers. Probably should switch up the squads.
Also, I know you migrants are terrified of Tinfingers due to the massive piles of corpses, zombies, and yearly Goblin sieges. Well we still need you and your warm bodies. How else are we gonna fill the ranks.
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Post by: WoobMonkey on November 10, 2013, 02:54:48 pm
I know that loading cage traps is an important part of your job. I also am aware that there are a few outside of your current burrow, while the siege continues.
What I'd like you to help me understand is why you continue to take, and cancel, the 5 'load cage trap' jobs on the surface, while ignoring/neglecting the 40-some-odd that need loading in cavern 2 - which, I remind you, is inside your assigned burrow.
When the siege lifts, I'll let you know. Until then, howabout not slacking off, taking a job that you aren't allowed to do, just to take breaks afterwards?
Cordially yours,
a flummoxed overseer.
Post by: nekoexmachina on November 10, 2013, 03:13:38 pm
P.s. Also, statues of other war heroes could be just as cool.
----
Dear Urist and Led McEngravers! I understand that Inod McMarksdwarf could be not so nice person and you have a grudge with her. But please don't engrave pictures of her, surrounded by trolls and her, being dispelled from the position of our military leader.
----
Post by: orodoth on November 10, 2013, 10:24:46 pm
It has come to my attention that despite having 6 farmers, and 12 types of seeds, and 12 farm plots, the only thing we can manage to grow for booze is plump helmets.
Please un-@#!% yourselves.
signed,
The only thing between you and a command to open the draw bridge when the goblins come.
ps, really sick of hearing everyone else's belly aching about drinking nothing but dwarven wine.. grab some strawberries or something in the outside plots!!!
Post by: BumbleMead on November 11, 2013, 03:55:20 pm
Also, why is that image so huge?
Because I fail at editing images?
Dear Hunters,
Please quit hunting Firebirds. Seriously, every time you try you get set on fire, burn up the landscape, and start tantrum spirals as a result of your immolation. Anyway I can't gather sun berries for brewing if they're all ash.
Post by: Larix on November 11, 2013, 08:19:16 pm
ps, really sick of hearing everyone else's belly aching about drinking nothing but dwarven wine.. grab some strawberries or something in the outside plots!!!
Dwarfs take the nearest applicable item for a job, so if your still is completely surrounded by plump helmet storage...
... you'll have to go to the kitchen submenu and disable the brewing of plump helmets for a while.
Post by: IronTomato on November 11, 2013, 08:44:21 pm
You've been killed by a salmon. Welcome to the bottom of the food chain.
I am disappoint,
~IronTomato
Post by: PDF urist master on November 11, 2013, 09:29:56 pm
Post by: smjjames on November 11, 2013, 09:32:12 pm
How did your recruit get killed by a vermin fish?
Thrown item?
Post by: Eric Blank on November 12, 2013, 12:08:13 am
Post by: ☼!!Troll Fur Sock!!☼ on November 12, 2013, 02:01:27 am
*salmon slap!*
Post by: IronTomato on November 12, 2013, 08:14:36 am
Post by: the1337doofus on November 12, 2013, 08:51:07 am
It may have been a different fish. It was something that shouldn't have been able to kill him.
MILKFISH!
Post by: smjjames on November 12, 2013, 09:16:46 am
Post by: IronTomato on November 12, 2013, 09:32:28 am
That was it.It may have been a different fish. It was something that shouldn't have been able to kill him.
MILKFISH!
Did the fisherdwarf die via drowning or as a result of wounds? Though I suppose a fish could always get a lucky shot to the skull, what with the paper thin skulls right now.The fish did some good damage to the dwarf, but he eventually died from drowning.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on November 12, 2013, 01:34:37 pm
Stop being such a whining tantrumthrower. If you hate the cavern floor so much, use the bed in the nice, relatively large room I assigned you. Seriously, do so or I'll create a kill command and then proceed to designate your room.
Your maniacal Overseer
Post by: the1337doofus on November 13, 2013, 01:01:48 am
NEXT TIME I TURN ON FASTDWARF, REMIND ME TO TELL YOU NO FISHING. SERIOUSLY, THAT'S A FUCKTON OF FISH.
On the bright side, you are now an unofficial noble. I crown you Crayfish King of FishFort, Fishy Fort of Fish. Seriously. That is a lot of fish.
-Your slightly irritated, but also extremely happy overseer.
Post by: CitationXIV on November 13, 2013, 05:22:32 am
Your complete failure to attend to the two severely injured dwarves waiting in the hospital has been noted in your files. That the first dwarf succumbed to her wounds and the second died of thirst has also been noted. I know you can perform your tasks. I know the hospital is functional. I will take this moment to commend you on patching up the other two wounded dwarves. But that did not give you permission to then loiter in the dining hall with "no job" for three full seasons.
Do it again and you will all be reassigned to the Goblin Hygiene Chamber to open the cages by hand prior to their next inundation. As it is, you are all back on hauling duty for now, and the hematite isn't going to move down 100 z-levels to the magma smelters by itself.
ATTN: Urist McBroker
No, by all means, have a nap. For the whole season. It's not like the human caravan is going anywhere while we're under siege.
Post by: PDF urist master on November 13, 2013, 08:49:15 am
please clean the dwarven bathtub. there is some frozen extract in there that's rotting all of out free range animals. Even though you are unaffected by it, rotting has caused a lot of miasma in the meeting halls, lowering dwarven morale. I know how much you love your cats. so please clean the bathtub or their skin rots off.
Post by: Nidilap on November 13, 2013, 11:53:26 am
Get out.
Signed, Urist McOverseer
Post by: the1337doofus on November 13, 2013, 12:11:27 pm
Dear, Urist mcCheesemaker,
Get out.
Signed, Urist McOverseer
From Urist McCheeseMaker, to my beloved overseer:
B't ae' dinnae' have anywhere else tae' go! An' if I gae' bach' tae' th' mountaenhome', ae'll bae' executed faer' naet' dooin' me' job! An' if ye' dinnae' like me, put me tae' work dae'n somethin' mae're useful! Laek' haulin', er' stone smoothin'!
-Urist McCheeseMaker
Post by: Axe27 on November 13, 2013, 04:37:46 pm
Listen, when I say get in the fortress, I mean, get in the goddamn fortress. That 165 ton bronze man chasing you wants to kill the living crap out of you. And he did. Because you're an idiot.
Thankfully, despite being a full 50 feet high and weighing 165 tons, he's stuck in a wooden cage, saving the rest of the fortress from his wrath.
Post by: Nidilap on November 14, 2013, 09:13:55 pm
Dear, Urist mcCheesemaker,
Get out.
Signed, Urist McOverseer
From Urist McCheeseMaker, to my beloved overseer:
B't ae' dinnae' have anywhere else tae' go! An' if I gae' bach' tae' th' mountaenhome', ae'll bae' executed faer' naet' dooin' me' job! An' if ye' dinnae' like me, put me tae' work dae'n somethin' mae're useful! Laek' haulin', er' stone smoothin'!
-Urist McCheeseMaker
OFFICIAL DOCUMENT FROM OVERSEER URIST MCOVERSEER
DWARF URIST MCCHEESEMAKER, YOU ARE NOW NO LONGER A CHEESMAKER WITHIN THIS FORT. IF YOU WISH TO CONTINUE TO LIVE WITHIN THESE WALLS, PLEASE GO TALK WITH THE DWARVEN THERAPIST FOR RE-EVALUATION. YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT SCHEDULED AS SOON AS I TAB OUT TO USE DWARF THERAPIST(tm).
SIGNED,
Urist Mcoverseer, overseer of DwarfBurned, Barony of the West
Post by: WoobMonkey on November 14, 2013, 09:57:52 pm
Either you're a genious of performance art, or a complete and utter waste of skin. The way you chose to channel into the aquifer from directly above, with full prior knowledge that any exposed water would freeze instantly in this tundra, is beyond me. I must admit, you look... peaceful, serene even, encased in your frozen display rack.
At least, I imagine that you do. Since you took our only pick with you into your little tomb, there, we have no way of digging you out to see.
So, I'm going with option b: 'waste of skin.'
Sincerely, <alt+tab><'die'>
Post by: IronTomato on November 14, 2013, 10:50:45 pm
Do you see that hole in the floor, right there? That's called a well. When you're standing right next to it, don't complain about being thirsty, because water comes out of it.
You don't need to go all the way back outside to get a drink out of some nasty puddle.
Sincerely,
~IronTomato
Post by: Thief on November 15, 2013, 01:15:50 am
Stop eating you destroyed all of the seeds im on a siege,And you killed everyone not even my military could stop you
P.S:How big is your stomach.
Post by: bleekmiddel on November 15, 2013, 05:58:03 am
Don't place your wagon on a frozen pool, because things melt and then you lose all your drinks and foodlog and seeds
with unkind regrets, your overseer
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 15, 2013, 10:03:34 am
You had a zillion useless workers and children to pick from. why not them? No, you had to pick my Countess/Legendary Hammerdwarf, who during The Great Thirst of 92 killed 5 berserk dwarves with her crossbow (she came to the fort as a hunter) and gained herself a title. My Countess, whom I hand-picked for not only her her heroism but her agreeable personality (she only ever wanted animal traps and low boots to be made, unlike my Mayor, who always demands traction benches...
Jerk. Enjoy being walled in for eternity.
the Overseer of Crystalgear
(Said Great Thirst occurred in a freezing biome. I got two HUGE migrant waves in a row, going from 50 dwarves to over 90, then as soon as I got caught up from that three more, pushing me to 160 and my efforts at playing catch-up on the booze finally gave out. Dwarves died of thirst, tantrum spiral and berserk dwarves ensued, taking me down to 29. It gave me time to catch up, though, now I have plenty of booze for 100 dwarves.)
Dear Mayor of Crystalgear,
what is it with you and traction benches? Please don't ever demand one in your bedroom; medical fetishes are jut damn creepy. I'll make them, though beyond making a huge hospital, I'm not sure what to do with them all.
Your Puzzled Overseer
Post by: Iamblichos on November 15, 2013, 10:17:37 am
I think it's time we had a little posthumous chat.
You may have noticed that I took a low opinion of your skills (such as they were) when you came to my fort. All you ever did was loaf around, eating and drinking, and you had nothing useful you could do. I didn't have time to train you up. You may have wondered why the therapist started calling you your new nickname, "Useless". Well, yeah... that was me.
Still, at the end, when I needed that 45 z-level well shaft dug down to the cavern lake, you were the dwarf I picked. You did a wonderful job, and I noted that on your slab. Sorry about that last drop, but hey, you said you were thirsty midway down... drink up, my friend.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: IronTomato on November 15, 2013, 10:55:59 am
Dear Urist Novice Cheesemaker::o
I think it's time we had a little posthumous chat.
You may have noticed that I took a low opinion of your skills (such as they were) when you came to my fort. All you ever did was loaf around, eating and drinking, and you had nothing useful you could do. I didn't have time to train you up. You may have wondered why the therapist started calling you your new nickname, "Useless". Well, yeah... that was me.
Still, at the end, when I needed that 45 z-level well shaft dug down to the cavern lake, you were the dwarf I picked. You did a wonderful job, and I noted that on your slab. Sorry about that last drop, but hey, you said you were thirsty midway down... drink up, my friend.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Poor little bugger. Having to drink cavern water instead of booze.
Post by: Thief on November 15, 2013, 11:01:20 am
Why am i not able to load my savegames my Dwarves are dieing...I think?
Post by: Baffler on November 16, 2013, 04:40:46 pm
I don't often try to make ranged squads precisely because of silliness like this, but because this is an aboveground settlement it couldn't really be avoided. That is why I drafted you peasants into the military in the first place. You've all been outfitted with =oaken bows= and all the wood arrows you can carry for training. I watched the lot of you stumble into the archery range and fire off all the arrows in your quivers at the targets, then go off to get some more. I made sure you actually did get new ones, then went off to plan the houses you're all living in.
That was a year ago last week. It's not like I just forgot about you, a check to the units screen every once in awhile showed that at least some of you were "going to archery practice" most of the time. When that thief was spotted outside your range, I was eager to see you in action. Why was it then, that you all arrived no more skilled than you left that first training session with? An investigation after your embarrassing failure to kill the kobold despite firing nearly 100 arrows at it revealed the answer. I found one of you who was "going to archery practice" afterward, only to find you loafing around the well, and showing no signs of doing otherwise. Your entire squad is to report to the marked off area under the drawbridge at once. You won't be needing your gear.
You will not be missed,
The Jarl of Bladehorn (Norse Fortress mod)
Post by: Bumber on November 16, 2013, 08:18:54 pm
You've all been outfitted with =oaken bows= and all the wood bolts you can carry for training.By =oaken bows= do you mean crossbows or...?
Post by: Baffler on November 16, 2013, 09:32:10 pm
Post by: Iamblichos on November 16, 2013, 09:59:51 pm
It is NOT POSSIBLE to make a bed out of trifle pewter, no matter how much you demand it. It's not. Can't be done. Go down to the red lake, pull the lever, and enjoy.
Perhaps your successor will be more reasonable.
Overseer
Post by: klefenz on November 17, 2013, 12:54:39 am
I really appreciate the fact that you resuced that miner who got wonded during the cave-in, it would have been nice to also get her baby who got injured as well. The poor girl had to crawl all the way back up on her own, with a broken arm. No wonder why goblins keep snatching them.
The Overseer.
Dear Urist McHammer
You have proven to be a hero during the last raid, killing 6 goblins and one troll and recieving an injury in your right arm, now could you please, please, please go to the hospital to get treatment so you can hold you hammer again instead of standing in the barracks all day pretending to do compat drills (without weapon)?
The Overseer.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on November 17, 2013, 05:37:56 am
Dear Baron Idiot:
It is NOT POSSIBLE to make a bed out of trifle pewter, no matter how much you demand it. It's not. Can't be done. Go down to the red lake, pull the lever, and enjoy.
Perhaps your successor will be more reasonable.
Overseer
Actually, you can't get successors to barons and similar nobles...luckily.
Post by: poisoned_salami on November 17, 2013, 06:26:42 pm
For Armok's sake, stop burying the zombies in those coffins. While yes, they are dwarves, they are unknown dwarves, brought here by an evil necromancer. The coffins are for OUR dead only.
Poisoned Salami
Dear Urist McEngineer,
Seriously, get to work. Our stone-fall traps are all unloaded. We have plenty of rocks lying around. You know what to do.
Poisoned Salami
Dear Urist McSiegeoperator:
Ballistae are weapons. They WILL kill the mean goblins outside our door. I understand that they are scary, but really, have some faith in our defenses. Shoot an arrow through those fortifications, and kill some stuff. Stop running away from the goblins, and DO YOUR JOB.
Poisoned Salami
Dear Gobbo McIsAGoblin:
Stop being scary and let my siege operators kill you.
Poisoned Salami
Dear Armok:
May I request a few smitings? Contact me, and we'll discuss our options.
Poisoned Salami
Post by: oldark on November 17, 2013, 11:47:51 pm
The vermin that your starving compatriots are hunting for are NOT that tasty.. or easy to find. There is no need to "cancels return kill: hunting vermin". That tuskox could have fed everyone :(
Post by: Urist McKiwi on November 18, 2013, 01:32:54 am
Please stop screaming that you can't build the wall because you're standing on top of the worksite. You lot have held up construction by three months and if this doesn't get finished soon the farms won't go up this year and you'll all starve once winter sets in.
(This is, quite easily, my absolute least favourite bug in DF. Building anything aboveground is an endless stream of "Urist McStupid cancels Build Wall; standing on the bloody thing" messages.)
Post by: Erils on November 18, 2013, 02:10:42 am
We need food. The hunters aren't going to be able to supply enough food for everyone and they can't make booze either. Only one of you is working on the farms. I made more farms for you and there are more than enough seeds, but you still aren't working. I have been forced to selling all our gems, weapons and armor to buy food and booze from the trade caravans. You better thank the elves because without their food we would all be dead by now. If you don't start working soon, I will...well I don't know what I'll do. I can't kill you as that would likely cause tantrums. Maybe you'll just go missing in the underground caves.
Yours angrily,
Your angry Overseer
Dear that one farmer who works,
Thank you. Your efforts to keep this fortress alive have been noted and you will be rewarded with your own room and memorial once they are ready. You are the only farmer that is working and are keeping us just from the brink of starvation. I'm sorry that I only let you grow plump helmets but, as we have a river, food is more important than drink right now. You shall be rewarded for your persistence and work.
Sincerely yours,
Your thankful Overseer
Post by: WoobMonkey on November 18, 2013, 02:39:19 am
I don't know what they told you back at the mountainhomes, but this area is half-haunted/half joyous wilds. It would be in your, and our, best interests if you'd take the extra day to loop around, and come from the west or south. Instead of through the swarm of Giant Sparrow Woman corpses.
Instead of helping us to gather what little wood we can, you've instead forced us to waste logs on caskets.
Also, this is no place for children. Stop bringing them. Seriously, almost half of our population is under the age of ten, and the overseer is starting to talk about 'creative' ways to deal with our current food shortage. Something to do with 'fishing brats outta the aquifer,' if I heard him correctly.
Sincerely,
A concerned resident of Edangzak Utharsanad Gedor.
Post by: krg on November 18, 2013, 03:02:21 am
Dear Bomrek Oslanmesir,
Please explain this statue to me. How do you settle a dingo? Much less a giant one?
(http://i42.tinypic.com/2nknksw.png)
head-scratchingly-puzzled, your lord and master,
krg
unless it is a city type name maybe?
note: i am running the lfr mod if that makes a difference
Post by: the1337doofus on November 18, 2013, 11:01:39 am
not really frustrated but kinda puzzled.
Dear Bomrek Oslanmesir,
Please explain this statue to me. How do you settle a dingo? Much less a giant one?
(http://i42.tinypic.com/2nknksw.png)
head-scratchingly-puzzled, your lord and master,
krg
unless it is a city type name maybe?
note: i am running the lfr mod if that makes a difference
I believe it refers to the giant dingo settling in an area, not being settled upon. Although it would be kinda cool if you could play "micro-dwarf fortress" and settle a colony on the back of a giant dingo......
Post by: KingBacon on November 19, 2013, 03:30:56 pm
So we lost a great potter (though he was 160 yrs old) to trogs, and then we lost all but one of the archers cause YOU spearmen were busy twaddling their thumbs. I know who's being pitted with ogres next siege. Seriously, do I have to draft all you slags and press you into military service? Because I will. Hell, I might start impaling your pets in the dining room.
We don't have any weapons grade metal other than galena. I'll give you guys a choice? You slags want to fight with silver swords or hammers? Cause all of you are in for a braining when the next monstrosity comes bellowing up from the depths.
-You're Malevolent Overseer
Post by: WanderingKid on November 19, 2013, 03:51:12 pm
My apologies. I know that the big scary undead on the surface are intensely scary, and ANYWHERE would be better then right there.
Run home, though. Right back the way you came, you sober beards. Do not run... oh gods... right into... the HORROR.... the... oh, the children too? ... Overfiend Magma Grinder...
... wow. That's a mess.
-Overfiend
Post by: Cattani on November 21, 2013, 11:59:56 am
The administration commitee would like to thank you in your efforts to heal the 6 injuried dwarves from the last goblin siege. Your competence has been noted many times in the last years on helping miners with broken bones and hunters in profuse bleeding.
What we would like to know if why you insist in leaving the bolts stuck in your comrade's bodies. We have now 5 dwarves walking around with silver and copper crossbow bolts sticking out of their limbs. We understand Christmas is near, but making a christmas tree out of living dwarves is unacceptable unless you're the Overseer. Its important to overstate the gravity of this situation.
The administration commitee of Bellstrusted.
Post by: Niccolo on November 21, 2013, 12:46:25 pm
Dear Urist McDoctor,
The administration commitee would like to thank you in your efforts to heal the 6 injuried dwarves from the last goblin siege. Your competence has been noted many times in the last years on helping miners with broken bones and hunters in profuse bleeding.
What we would like to know if why you insist in leaving the bolts stuck in your comrade's bodies. We have now 5 dwarves walking around with silver and copper crossbow bolts sticking out of their limbs. We understand Christmas is near, but making a christmas tree out of living dwarves is unacceptable unless you're the Overseer. Its important to overstate the gravity of this situation.
The administration commitee of Bellstrusted.
The bolts themselves are quite possibly forbidden.
Or maybe the dwarves just think it's more badass. Like war trophies.
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 21, 2013, 05:32:45 pm
I do realize that I had babies turned way, way low for about 5 years. turning them back up a bit does not mean it is time to start dropping them out over and over. some of you have had kids 2-3 times. Seriously, did you just have them all stored up inside there until I said MOAR BABBIES!? Your uteri are NOT clown cars. I'm turning it back down and leaving it there.
the Overseer
Dear Mayor,
Knock it off with the traction benches. I am running out of room for them, haven't found magma yet, and the hospital has more than it needs. I keep replacing you for a reason, but they keep voting you back in. One more bench request, and you're going into the "Goblin Welcoming Squad" right outside the fort. I mean it.
No love,
The Overseer
Post by: jcochran on November 21, 2013, 07:40:14 pm
DearMothersUrist McDuggars,
I do realize that I had babies turned way, way low for about 5 years. turning them back up a bit does not mean it is time to start dropping them out over and over. some of you have had kids 2-3 times. Seriously, did you just have them all stored up inside there until I said MOAR BABBIES!? Your uteri are NOT clown cars. I'm turning it back down and leaving it there.
Try
[BABY_CHILD_CAP:100:50]
inside d_init.txt
The above parameters mean that the number of children is capped at 100 absolute, or 50% of the total population whichever is smaller.
And of course, adjust POPULATION_CAP however you want.
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 21, 2013, 07:56:30 pm
DearMothersUrist McDuggars,
I do realize that I had babies turned way, way low for about 5 years. turning them back up a bit does not mean it is time to start dropping them out over and over. some of you have had kids 2-3 times. Seriously, did you just have them all stored up inside there until I said MOAR BABBIES!? Your uteri are NOT clown cars. I'm turning it back down and leaving it there.
Try
[BABY_CHILD_CAP:100:50]
inside d_init.txt
The above parameters mean that the number of children is capped at 100 absolute, or 50% of the total population whichever is smaller.
And of course, adjust POPULATION_CAP however you want.
Cool, thanks!
Post by: Ravendarksky on November 21, 2013, 07:59:59 pm
Why won't you procreate? I've had you locked up underground for 15 years now. Those filthy surface dwellings dwarfs who keep migrating to our sanctuary are up there popping children and moods out like
Don't you want to make use of your masterwork candy encrusted beds?
Are we cursed to remain 7 in number until someone dies of old age?
Post by: Hengikjoptr on November 23, 2013, 02:54:42 pm
our very first Hunter and the only source of food for two seasons,
I overseer'd generations of dwarwenkind silently, facepalming from time to time. Even when one of our best craftsdwarves created barn owl leather dildo (http://cs407729.vk.me/v407729771/ad5/Sc_gAwkzMz4.jpg) (true story!) I kept my silence (while purging whole settlement with water). But you... you forced me to break eons of my silence.
You.
Headshotted self.
With a Barn Owl.
Your well-placed shot mutilated that poor bird. Bird corpse fell right on you, knocking you out of consciousness. I have no gol-dern idea what prevented you from taking sidestep and/or catching it. It is not that heavy nor fast to be unavoidable. Looks like getting hit in a head with an owl corpse is a thing you desired. Why don't you join that barn owl loving craftsdwarf I mentioned earlier? Think about it while having rest in our Hospital.
Sincerely,
frustrated Hengikjoptr of Lanternballs,
the Overseer.
NB: I swear this freaky fortress name was generated by random.
Post by: thoushaltcallmelars on November 23, 2013, 07:17:01 pm
Dear Obok Charmedpaddles of Lanternballs,
our very first Hunter and the only source of food for two seasons,
I overseer'd generations of dwarwenkind silently, facepalming from time to time. Even when one of our best craftsdwarves created barn owl leather dildo (http://cs407729.vk.me/v407729771/ad5/Sc_gAwkzMz4.jpg) (true story!) I kept my silence (while purging whole settlement with water). But you... you forced me to break eons of my silence.
You.
Headshotted self.
With a Barn Owl.
Your well-placed shot mutilated that poor bird. Bird corpse fell right on you, knocking you out of consciousness. I have no gol-dern idea what prevented you from taking sidestep and/or catching it. It is not that heavy nor fast to be unavoidable. Looks like getting hit in a head with an owl corpse is a thing you desired. Why don't you join that barn owl loving craftsdwarf I mentioned earlier? Think about it while having rest in our Hospital.
Sincerely,
frustrated Hengikjoptr of Lanternballs,
the Overseer.
You sound like a reasonable being, Hengikjoptr. Perhaps your hunter would enjoy spending a time with us? We have need of bone, blood, and skin, and your hunter could do with some entertainment if he's so tired of work that he knocked himself out with falling poultry - it's mutually beneficial, all you need to do is send Urist McHunter over to us. We'll even let you have our finest cotton candy and loan you a few of our most talented clowns to sweeten to deal.
With Warm Regards, Ringmasters Shift & Seven
Post by: Myrkky100 on November 30, 2013, 01:42:26 pm
cc: squadmates,
Please provide, in three copies, a written report on why you found the bolts stockpiled in the archery galleries and armory unsuitable for use during the latest goblin ambush and instead chose to go and get the bolts laying around outside, in the process getting your heads lobbed off and your guts pulled out.
Best regars,
The Manager
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 30, 2013, 07:43:27 pm
Dear Urist McDecapitated,
cc: squadmates,
Please provide, in three copies, a written report on why you found the bolts stockpiled in the archery galleries and armory unsuitable for use during the latest goblin ambush and instead chose to go and get the bolts laying around outside, in the process getting your heads lobbed off and your guts pulled out.
Best regars,
The Manager
Boss,
In the future, keep the bolts lying around outside Forbidden. Then we know not to reuse the spent ammo. Then again, it was pretty dumb of us, you'd think we'd have the common sense to not do that to begin with, eh?
Urist McGhostly
Post by: Myrkky100 on December 01, 2013, 04:00:17 pm
Boss,
In the future, keep the bolts lying around outside Forbidden. Then we know not to reuse the spent ammo. Then again, it was pretty dumb of us, you'd think we'd have the common sense to not do that to begin with, eh?
Urist McGhostly
Yes, I know, the bolts outside had just been claimed to be remelted and I didn't declare them anathema again quick enough. I just still find it questionable that everyone literally climbed over stacks of brand new bolts conveniently placed right inside the shooting gallery to get the ones that were furthest away, outside and behind 6 heavily armed goblins.
On a happier note, the sole dwarf with the wherewithal to stay at his position and keep shooting has hereby been elevated to the esteemed rank of elite marksdwarf. The two other survivors will be decorated with the Purple Plump Helmet. Could someone help them pin the medals to their shirts as they have had both their hands hacked off?
Post by: klefenz on December 03, 2013, 05:34:22 am
The next time youre channeling someplace, please, dont dig the tile under the feet of poor Catten McMine.
Seriously, if you do it again you´re getting your own watery grave.
The Overlord.
Post by: IronTomato on December 03, 2013, 09:11:28 am
I remembered how you died. If I am correct, you were incinerated in lava. You had no body to bury. Soon after the tragic accident took place, you began to appear in front of your many dwarves friends, walking through walls and generally scaring people.
Please do not do this.
~Love, IronTomato
Post by: KingBacon on December 03, 2013, 10:53:06 am
Nearly everyone one of you lost either a father or a son today due to a military mistake. Please try not to panic. Apparently webs and flames are a deadly combo.
Good news though, CONSCRIPTION HAS BEEN EXTENDED. ALL NON ESSENTIAL LABORERS ARE ORDERED TO THE DEPTHS, this is not unrelated to the high casualty rate. Proceed with haste, crossbows and steel armor has been provided for you.
Regards,
Your Overseer
Post by: wierd on December 03, 2013, 04:47:41 pm
Dear Citizens of the Stilled Hames,
Nearly everyone one of you lost either a father or a son today due to a military mistake. Please try not to panic. Apparently webs and flames are a deadly combo.
Good news though, CONSCRIPTION HAS BEEN EXTENDED. ALL NON ESSENTIAL LABORERS ARE ORDERED TO THE DEPTHS, this is not unrelated to the high casualty rate. Proceed with haste, crossbows and steel armor has been provided for you.
Regards,
Your Overseer
Dearest overseer;
In light of recent events, we -- the entire peasant population of Stilled Hames-- have decided to go ON BREAK until further notice, or until conditions improve. The definition of insanity is to kee trying the same things after they have failed and continue to fail. Perhaps you could devise an elaborate death machine for our enemies instead, or some other remedy that does not involve the continued letting of dwarven blood to grease the wheels of your scheming?
-- Urist(s) McPeasant(s) cancels pick up equipment: ON BREAK
Post by: smjjames on December 04, 2013, 01:38:39 pm
When mass deconstructing the up/down stairs scaffolding, please do mind the safety rules such as not deconstructing a tile is standing on, don't stand on the very thing you are deconstructing, among others. Even if I stagger the designations, there are still injuries happening. If OSHA existed in DF, it would have shut down.... um, never mind that I mentioned OSHA. The great number of injuries and the fact that I have to try and stagger the designations is slowing down work, and that fact alone would make me want to at least make it somewhat safer.
Due to the number of injuries, I've had to put the designations on hold until the injuries are at least dealt with.
p.s. I see through DT that some dwarves have infections, I think everybody will be okay, however I will endeavor to set up soapmaking. I will cure the infections of those which are in the nails, otherwise, you'll have to ride it out.
The Overseer of Lashdyes.
Post by: TresCom on December 04, 2013, 04:22:11 pm
please stop mass produce kittens, we will butcher them.
regards
me
Post by: Lielac on December 05, 2013, 12:16:35 am
Thank you for the amusement due to your not being [TRAPAVOID]. I've evidently got at least two ambushes in my system and only one visible, because I keep getting invisible people opening up the Happy Fun Spike Pit. I thought it would work!
Cheers,
Razoract
Post by: aiseant on December 05, 2013, 03:55:18 am
It's very simple, really : you autosave the game in the beginning of spring. Please stop crashing at the end of winter. Repeatively.
Thanks.
Annoyed overseer.
Post by: Lielac on December 05, 2013, 04:24:10 am
I can see your trails of puke.
Dear dead king,
FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Dear duchess,
Why the fuck are you tantruming?
Cheers,
Overseer of Razoract
Post by: Urist McAxedwarf on December 05, 2013, 04:31:13 am
I am writing to you on behalf of the fortress' noble population and I must say we are very disappointed.
Your child, Urist McPeasant has just reached adulthood and upon inspection we can tell that there have been some significant gaps in his education. The poor lad is a dribbling fool. All he does all day is harvest plants, eat, drink and sleep.
Given your status as legendary; grower, mason and stone crafter I would expect you to have passed on some of your knowledge to your offspring. Instead you have opted to entirely compromise the poor boy's future by depriving him of any form of education and even at times putting his life in danger in situations of near-certain death (I refer you to our previous letter; "Leave your children at home during the siege").
To conclude, due to no fault of his own the young dwarf will have to be guided into a career with help from our careers advisor (yes we know he is also the militia commander) for assignment.
Yours truly,
Your ever-confused deity.
Post by: KingBacon on December 05, 2013, 10:26:27 am
Thank you for your resolve and sacrifices. Mass conscription has ended, though we still have work to do (mainly cleaning this mess up.) Expect mass relocation to the forges.
Regards,
Your Overseer
(PS: Apparently, the best way to prevent tantrum spirals is to increase the casualty rate rather than keep it low.)
Post by: IronTomato on December 05, 2013, 11:44:08 am
Kill the troglodyte. Is that such a difficult concept for you to grasp?
Love,
IronTomato
Post by: blazing glory on December 05, 2013, 09:56:23 pm
Dear entire militia,
Kill the troglodyte. Is that such a difficult concept for you to grasp?
Love,
IronTomato
Dear IronTomato
it's a mean looking troglodyte and trying to kill it would ruin our sleep/party
Love,
Your entire militia
Post by: IronTomato on December 06, 2013, 08:24:15 am
Dear IronTomato:P
it's a mean looking troglodyte and trying to kill it would ruin our sleep/party
Love,
Your entire militia
Dear Religious Guy,
Life is most certainly not, in a word, death.
Love,
Adventurer
Post by: Lielac on December 06, 2013, 08:57:01 am
Dear elves of Minethaare:
Thank you for sending a contingent of volunteers for removing the trolls from my pit trap. Unfortunately, they suck at it, but, y'know, it's the thought that counts. Send more, would you?
Sincerely,
Overseer of Razoract
Post by: blazing glory on December 06, 2013, 04:37:31 pm
Dear IronTomato:P
it's a mean looking troglodyte and trying to kill it would ruin our sleep/party
Love,
Your entire militia
Dear Religious Guy,
Life is most certainly not, in a word, death.
Love,
Adventurer
Dear Adventurer
Exactly that's why life is,in a word, sandwiches.
Love,
Religious stock keeper of sandwiches
Post by: IronTomato on December 06, 2013, 08:08:15 pm
SnipYeah, your title reminded me of that.
Seriously, I think there should be a restriction so that people don't say "Life is in a word death".
Post by: blazing glory on December 06, 2013, 09:49:05 pm
SnipYeah, your title reminded me of that.
Seriously, I think there should be a restriction so that people don't say "Life is in a word death".
aye
Post by: Nyxalinth on December 06, 2013, 09:57:47 pm
It was a good run, but finally the terrible FPS got to me. i guess that happens after 20 years, 150 dwarves, 30 goblin sieges, and six Forgotten Beasts. You suddenly went from 30 to a crawling 4-15 fps. I tried to atom smash...but it was too late. You were all brave and mighty dorfs, especially you, military. I hope to see you guys in future forts. Except you, Vampire Queen. Go to hell and stay there.
Much love,
Your Former Overseer
Post by: WanderingKid on December 06, 2013, 10:14:12 pm
Either path off the board, or into the grinder. I don't care which, but take your thumb bones out of your... errr... what's left of your behinds and git moving, please.
-Overfiend
Post by: the1337doofus on December 07, 2013, 12:23:06 pm
When you are under attack by goblins, it is customary to run towards the big, walled in fort. Good job on doing that. However, you generally wait for the drawbridge to go down before you approach withing 5 meters of the entrance.
This letter shall be placed upon your cor- oh, wait. There's no corpse there. Oh well.
-Overseer Doof
Post by: Don Blake on December 07, 2013, 06:05:32 pm
I know I asked you to install a colony of bees on the High Peak, but I didn't mean for you to pick up thousands of bees in your hands and carry them there. Surely there was a better way?
Post by: Sebastian2203 on December 09, 2013, 11:43:26 am
Please respond to call of miner for help properly ,while he is being beaten to death by troglodytes and do not go in mining shaft like RAMBO. And join proper formation.. And this note is to every soldier which just walked one by one to that troglodyte and not together.. Great job, you are dwarfs not rambo.
Post by: the1337doofus on December 09, 2013, 05:01:20 pm
You will all starve to death, because you just sat there, ignoring poor old Urist Mcfisherdwarf, your only steady source of food, as he dehydrated. You just left him in bed to wither away. I will now sit back and laugh at you and your starving asses.
-The overseer
Post by: DogsRNice on December 09, 2013, 05:21:55 pm
Post by: lue on December 09, 2013, 06:40:57 pm
I realize that the main component of the artifact chain created by our prized jeweler is, in fact, a gem. Morion to be specific. I also realize none of the stockpiles that are set up to handle chains are set to allow gem-based chains.
I must however regret to inform you that, despite my godly abilities, I am currently unable to mark "Gems" as one of the materials allowed into those stockpiles. I was hoping you would infer that gems would be OK based on the fact that no materials were in fact excluded from the list, but alas this doesn't seem to be the case.
So if you would store the chain in the Artifact Chamber to await installation, this would be much appreciated. I do appreciate your ability to construct chains where they are needed, but I do not need to construct an artifact chain at this time, and wish to protect it from common thieves. Protestations that we are on an island without typical mainland threats such as goblins and probably kobolds will be ignored.
—Overseer
Manager: post this note on the public bulletin board once it is constructed. I trust the dwarves of Omermeng are able to build bulletin boards.
Post by: ImagoDeo on December 10, 2013, 12:09:40 pm
I understand your massive frustration at seeing my closed gates and impenetrable fortress. I would be just as furious in the same circumstances, especially considering the loss of a number of your forces to cage traps.
However, there was no call for you to return just a week after your previous forces left. The cave dragons are just overkill. And your demon general didn't have to come personally.
It's as though you have a personal vendetta against my fortress specifically. This is only the third year that I've been constructing here! What gives?!
Fortress Overseer of Bannertongue cancels Write Note: Went insane.
"Attention all dwarves. You are now all members of our military. We are going to annihilate these damn goblins. Prepare for the drawbridge to lower."
Post by: smjjames on December 10, 2013, 12:13:15 pm
Notice to the residents of Omermeng —
I realize that the main component of the artifact chain created by our prized jeweler is, in fact, a gem. Morion to be specific. I also realize none of the stockpiles that are set up to handle chains are set to allow gem-based chains.
I must however regret to inform you that, despite my godly abilities, I am currently unable to mark "Gems" as one of the materials allowed into those stockpiles. I was hoping you would infer that gems would be OK based on the fact that no materials were in fact excluded from the list, but alas this doesn't seem to be the case.
So if you would store the chain in the Artifact Chamber to await installation, this would be much appreciated. I do appreciate your ability to construct chains where they are needed, but I do not need to construct an artifact chain at this time, and wish to protect it from common thieves. Protestations that we are on an island without typical mainland threats such as goblins and probably kobolds will be ignored.
—Overseer
Manager: post this note on the public bulletin board once it is constructed. I trust the dwarves of Omermeng are able to build bulletin boards.
You could just build it in the artifact chamber, forbid it, and set it to be deconstructed......
Or better yet, use it in the communual well.
Post by: MDFification on December 10, 2013, 07:24:38 pm
Notice to the residents of Omermeng —
I realize that the main component of the artifact chain created by our prized jeweler is, in fact, a gem. Morion to be specific. I also realize none of the stockpiles that are set up to handle chains are set to allow gem-based chains.
I must however regret to inform you that, despite my godly abilities, I am currently unable to mark "Gems" as one of the materials allowed into those stockpiles. I was hoping you would infer that gems would be OK based on the fact that no materials were in fact excluded from the list, but alas this doesn't seem to be the case.
So if you would store the chain in the Artifact Chamber to await installation, this would be much appreciated. I do appreciate your ability to construct chains where they are needed, but I do not need to construct an artifact chain at this time, and wish to protect it from common thieves. Protestations that we are on an island without typical mainland threats such as goblins and probably kobolds will be ignored.
—Overseer
Manager: post this note on the public bulletin board once it is constructed. I trust the dwarves of Omermeng are able to build bulletin boards.
You could just build it in the artifact chamber, forbid it, and set it to be deconstructed......
Or better yet, use it in the communual well.
You should put it in the jail. Any dwarf who winds up in there will think they died and went to heaven. Cheers 'em right up. Of course, then they really do die, because nobody remembered to feed them...
Post by: KingBacon on December 10, 2013, 08:12:32 pm
Post by: Don Blake on December 10, 2013, 08:23:51 pm
Post by: the1337doofus on December 11, 2013, 01:35:40 pm
Or they get hammered...
Unless the hammerer befalls an accident. Or is given a candy hammer.
Post by: IronTomato on December 11, 2013, 07:07:18 pm
There ARE plump helmet spawns. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
No love,
~IronTomato
Post by: blazing glory on December 11, 2013, 11:17:23 pm
Dear Farmers:
There ARE plump helmet spawns. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
No love,
~IronTomato
dear IronTomato
would you like a blessed sandwich? after all you don't need beer if you have a sandwich
Love
the religous stock keeper of sandwiches
Post by: 9Ball on December 12, 2013, 12:28:16 am
You've been doing an admirable job bringing in your share of kill this season, and our fortress has never been so well-fed thanks to your efforts. There is, however, a matter in need of discussion.
When you down an Emu with 3 shots but dont kill it, the fourth shot must be the fatal blow, right?
So how in the dirt can you possibly miss 82 shots at the same Emu? It was wobbling around for Armok's sake! At slowest speed! How am I supposed to justify another 100 bolt order?
Regards,
9ball
Post by: Nyxalinth on December 14, 2013, 09:48:37 am
Dear Farmers:
There ARE plump helmet spawns. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
No love,
~IronTomato
But Boss, when Catten has 'em, then me and Urist can't find 'em! So there might as well not be any t'all. Surely ye can see my logic, laddie.
Fath McFarmer
Post by: Lielac on December 14, 2013, 10:57:19 am
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAMMIT MY BARON'S ROOMS AREN'T EVEN UP TO SNUFF YET WHY ARE YOU PROMOTING HIM TO A COUNT ALREADY YOU DICK
Argh,
Overseer of Orbeagles
Post by: jcochran on December 14, 2013, 02:31:43 pm
Dear outpost liasion,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAMMIT MY BARON'S ROOMS AREN'T EVEN UP TO SNUFF YET WHY ARE YOU PROMOTING HIM TO A COUNT ALREADY YOU DICK
Argh,
Overseer of Orbeagles
Dear Outpost Liasion,
Since my baron's quarters and tomb are already upgraded to the standards of a Duke, how about we skip the intermediate steps and simply bypass the count rank?
P.S. Working on royal quarters at the moment. When they're complete, I'll send a gift to the mountain home...
Post by: Lielac on December 14, 2013, 02:55:19 pm
Enclosed see your orders for the next... however long it takes you. Have fun!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
With high hopes for your futures,
Overseer of Orbeagles
Post by: Sebastian2203 on December 15, 2013, 11:40:35 am
STOP LEAVING MEAT INSIDE BUTCHERY FOR MONTH AND THEN TANTRUMING BECAUSE OF MIASMA for love of ARMOK !!!
Post by: CHR1SZ on December 15, 2013, 11:47:41 am
I apologise that my great idea of having a "shallow" pond across the entrance to my fortress had some unforeseen problems, but it's been 2 years now since I asked you to build a bridge over the whole thing so that you could go outside. Please get to work.
Post by: IronTomato on December 15, 2013, 12:09:20 pm
This made me laugh quite a bit. :PDear Farmers:
There ARE plump helmet spawns. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
No love,
~IronTomato
But Boss, when Catten has 'em, then me and Urist can't find 'em! So there might as well not be any t'all. Surely ye can see my logic, laddie.
Fath McFarmer
Post by: h0lx on December 15, 2013, 06:22:49 pm
I understand that at this time we have citizens only policy at our burial chambers, but there is a large, working refuse pile just outside the fortress neatly inside the safe perimeter. There is absolutely no justification for leaving your dead guineachick laying in the dining room. The miasma it generates aint going to make you any happier.
Post by: Lielac on December 15, 2013, 06:30:38 pm
Dudes. Stop trying so hard. You're not going anywhere, so turn off that siege marker already.
Sweetest regards,
Overseer of Orbeagles
PS: How's it smell down there? :D
Post by: klefenz on December 15, 2013, 06:40:39 pm
Dear citizens of Mountainbore
I understand that at this time we have citizens only policy at our burial chambers, but there is a large, working refuse pile just outside the fortress neatly inside the safe perimeter. There is absolutely no justification for leaving your dead guineachick laying in the dining room. The miasma it generates aint going to make you any happier.
I think you need a corpse stockpile if it was an owned pet.
Post by: ImagoDeo on December 16, 2013, 03:43:00 am
dear Urist McCooker
STOP LEAVING MEAT INSIDE BUTCHERY FOR MONTH AND THEN TANTRUMING BECAUSE OF MIASMA for love of ARMOK !!!
Dear Overseer:
See, now, Jack the Hauler can't haul it to a full stockpile; and I ain't got the skill to cook food fast enough to open up stockpile spaces; so maybe YOU should consider not ordering all dem aminals butchered at once! Eh?!
-Urist McCook
P.S. The name's McCook, not McCooker! Get it right, Armok damn you.
Below is a crude drawing of a hairy, dwarfy, raised middle finger.
Post by: wierd on December 17, 2013, 03:48:21 am
Dear goblins of The Complex Terror currently fucking around in my HFPD:
Dudes. Stop trying so hard. You're not going anywhere, so turn off that siege marker already.
Sweetest regards,
Overseer of Orbeagles
PS: How's it smell down there? :D
It's quite a bit like home, actually-- you disgustingly corpulent waste of skin. I wouldn't expect a bunch of hairy faced cheese eating lushes like yourselves to understand how the delicate aromas of the troll herds and slave cages mingle to produce the unique bouquet that is a PROPER *GOBLIN* fortress, what with your constant vomit inducing binge drinking, repulsive legal system, and stilted social lives-- Even the screams down here are quite soothing and nostalgic to us!
And no, we WONT be giving up so easily, you stupid, mushroom-sucking sycophant! We will siege your hideous blight of a fortress until every last one of us dies trying, and I mean EVERY LAST ONE-- Even our kindred in The Complex Terror back home-- Our deaths will only strengthen their resolve!
signed,
Gobbo McLasher
Lasher for The Complex Terror
C/O Orbeagles;
HFPD complex
[attached is a crude drawing of Orbeagles on fire with arrows shooting all over, surrounded by angry goblins making various forms of provocative gestures and poses, as other goblins appear to be shearing dwaven beards off and making yarn and other mockeries from the shaven hair. The words "Dwarves are fools; Goblins Rule!" have been hastily scrawled over the top, along side the phrase "What we're gonna do to you when we tear down your little fortress" in the margins near the illustration.]
Post by: than402 on December 17, 2013, 11:28:53 am
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
Post by: IronTomato on December 17, 2013, 04:45:36 pm
Dear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
We're all just too lazy to find somewhere else to drink- we're too busy drinkin' to think.
Besides, if we fight the siege, we'll be killed! Better just to sit here and have a good time while we safely wait it out.
From Wardrock with Love,
Urist
Post by: Lielac on December 17, 2013, 05:05:15 pm
Dear goblins of The Complex Terror currently fucking around in my HFPD:
Dudes. Stop trying so hard. You're not going anywhere, so turn off that siege marker already.
Sweetest regards,
Overseer of Orbeagles
PS: How's it smell down there? :D
It's quite a bit like home, actually-- you disgustingly corpulent waste of skin. I wouldn't expect a bunch of hairy faced cheese eating lushes like yourselves to understand how the delicate aromas of the troll herds and slave cages mingle to produce the unique bouquet that is a PROPER *GOBLIN* fortress, what with your constant vomit inducing binge drinking, repulsive legal system, and stilted social lives-- Even the screams down here are quite soothing and nostalgic to us!
And no, we WONT be giving up so easily, you stupid, mushroom-sucking sycophant! We will siege your hideous blight of a fortress until every last one of us dies trying, and I mean EVERY LAST ONE-- Even our kindred in The Complex Terror back home-- Our deaths will only strengthen their resolve!
signed,
Gobbo McLasher
Lasher for The Complex Terror
C/O Orbeagles;
HFPD complex
[attached is a crude drawing of Orbeagles on fire with arrows shooting all over, surrounded by angry goblins making various forms of provocative gestures and poses, as other goblins appear to be shearing dwaven beards off and making yarn and other mockeries from the shaven hair. The words "Dwarves are fools; Goblins Rule!" have been hastily scrawled over the top, along side the phrase "What we're gonna do to you when we tear down your little fortress" in the margins near the illustration.]
Dear Gobbo McLasher,
[A picture follows of goblin corpses piled up on top of repeating spike traps inside a tube of glass windows, while dwarves party in a statue garden just beyond the goblins' reach.]
Aww, aren't you so adorable?
I'll use your corpses to harden my dwarves against tragedy, McLasher, and that's the only time you'll ever terrify my dwarves. Your every action makes my victory more complete!
Sweet deaths,
Overseer of Orbeagles
Post by: than402 on December 18, 2013, 07:35:24 am
Dear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
We're all just too lazy to find somewhere else to drink- we're too busy drinkin' to think.
Besides, if we fight the siege, we'll be killed! Better just to sit here and have a good time while we safely wait it out.
From Wardrock with Love,
Urist
important clarification:my depot is on the OUTSIDE.you'd think that having a unit of lashers charging at them while their crossbowmen buddies positioned themselves around them would get them to heed my alarm and get to the main fortress,but no...
Post by: Nidilap on December 18, 2013, 11:23:09 am
It has come to my attention that there have been several... Skirmishes against our fort in the Thievery category. I write wonder why you would try to risk trying to rob the same entry over and over. You had three thieves come at once, two died. The third should have warned you. Evidently, he did not, so I say to you:
Stealth is useless against us. Come with force, or don't come at all.
Overseer of AxeShields.
Post by: IronTomato on December 18, 2013, 01:25:32 pm
Dear armok I am writing really fast as the goblins are banging on the door Ill make this short I'm sorry fer drinkin in the depot but I need some fresh air every once in a while and if I don't have a break erry five minutes I get ornery and grumble at the weather and I need alcohol before I can kill the goblins thank ya for your time love UristDear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
We're all just too lazy to find somewhere else to drink- we're too busy drinkin' to think.
Besides, if we fight the siege, we'll be killed! Better just to sit here and have a good time while we safely wait it out.
From Wardrock with Love,
Urist
important clarification:my depot is on the OUTSIDE.you'd think that having a unit of lashers charging at them while their crossbowmen buddies positioned themselves around them would get them to heed my alarm and get to the main fortress,but no...
Post by: blazing glory on December 19, 2013, 04:25:26 am
Dear armok I am writing really fast as the goblins are banging on the door Ill make this short I'm sorry fer drinkin in the depot but I need some fresh air every once in a while and if I don't have a break erry five minutes I get ornery and grumble at the weather and I need alcohol before I can kill the goblins thank ya for your time love UristDear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
We're all just too lazy to find somewhere else to drink- we're too busy drinkin' to think.
Besides, if we fight the siege, we'll be killed! Better just to sit here and have a good time while we safely wait it out.
From Wardrock with Love,
Urist
important clarification:my depot is on the OUTSIDE.you'd think that having a unit of lashers charging at them while their crossbowmen buddies positioned themselves around them would get them to heed my alarm and get to the main fortress,but no...
Urist mc Iron Tomato cancels write note:getting slaughtered by gobbos
Post by: DogsRNice on December 19, 2013, 09:15:26 pm
Post by: Nyxalinth on December 20, 2013, 09:23:57 am
dear urist mcstrangemood make something useful like a sword next time and STOP HULLING THE MAGNETITE EVERYWARE
Yay, I was sigged!
Wait, he has a strange mood, and kept hauling? I have never seen that before.
Post by: klefenz on December 20, 2013, 09:48:53 am
Post by: ImagoDeo on December 22, 2013, 04:08:18 pm
dear urist mcstrangemood make something useful like a sword next time
Dear *sob* Overseer,
I can't believe *tears* that you don't *gasp* like the toy boat I made. *whimper* *tearful voice* I MADE IT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU! *crying* IT MENACES WITH SPIKES OF CAVE SPIDER SILK! DON'T YOU LOVE ME? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL CREATION?
Sincerely *sniff*, Urist McStrangeMood
P.S. See if I ever make another artifact for YOU again, you... you... *sob* barbarian!
Post by: RegalStar on December 22, 2013, 04:26:00 pm
There's a corridor of traps in front of you for a reason. Don't rush off the alternative path by yourself to get a shot at those goblins who could've been caged instead of whipping your skull in, and forcing all of us to rush in to try and save your ass too.
Sincerely, your still living (unlike you) comrades.
Post by: gtaguy on December 22, 2013, 05:01:55 pm
Next time you wish to cave in while mining, please don't do it over the magma sea. Also, please don't have the pillar land against a candy tube and bust it open. The clowns can swim in magma, unlike you.
Your lord and overseer, Gtaguy.
Post by: 4maskwolf on December 25, 2013, 01:57:01 am
I hope you like the damn shinies you stole from us, looting the corpses of our dead. You know damn well we can't go outside, and you sneaky bastards stole all of it.
But in a way, I must thank you. Your tribesmen have been a source of endless amusement to us. See, you may not have noticed, but those horses? They aren't alive anymore. They are, I suppose you could say, husks of their former selves. Which allows them to slaughter you all the more quickly while we sit atop our clearly visible fortifications and laugh. So please, indulge yourselves in horse-attacking.
Sincerely,
Citizens of Mirehole
Post by: pisskop on January 02, 2014, 09:17:55 pm
Congratulations on your acceptance into the Withheld Assault and Special Tactical EveryDwarf. Not every dwarf can meet the requirementsof W.A.S.T.E.D.
That said, just because we lack tge specified armour for your . . trope, dont strip naked and punch tge armoursmith charged with making said armour. You are hereby selected to be an emmissary to tge mako sharks. Your burrow is prepped. Enjoy.
Post by: Chevaleresse on January 02, 2014, 09:29:45 pm
Please do not construct walls in the only order that could possibly result in you being trapped inside them.
Post by: wierd on January 02, 2014, 10:19:44 pm
(Instead, here is funny reply to recent post instead.)
To: King Murdoc, Overseer
RE: Build construction orders
Forgive my, dear leader, but I was only following the orders you so thoughtfully filed for me, in as close to the proscribed order that you presented to me as was dwarvenly possible for me
Surely his lordship knows that due to a quirk of the filing system, we do the jobs in the reverse order that they are submitted?
-- Urist McMason
(Trapped in the cistern)
Post by: Chevaleresse on January 02, 2014, 10:42:13 pm
Do not engage giant creatures by headbutting them or doing whatever the hell it was you did. RUN AWAY.
Post by: Blastbeard on January 02, 2014, 10:47:25 pm
Before we begin, I would like to thank you for choosing to immigrate to our remote outpost of MountainHole of Evil. This is no easy life, and your hard efforts will be remembered in the annals of our nation's history along with so many others.
With formalities aside, I am inquiring as to why you have not reported any missing property since the incident regarding an animated body part last week. I am of course referring to your man-- Er, dwarfhood.
...IT WAS A TUFT OF HAIR, URIST. ALL I HAD TO DO WAS TOSS IT IN A WOOD FURNACE AND THE THREAT WAS OVER.
I understand that Urist is normally a ladydwarf's name, and growing up with that may have been a blow to your masculinity, but cowardice like that cannot be tolerated. There's more hair under your arm than what I threw in that furnace, you were in no danger of harm. If that's how you react to undead hair, how can I expect you to handle an entire animated creature? More importantly, what possessed you to migrate here, of all places, if you can't stand the sight of walking corpses?
So, please, on behalf the entire outpost, I implore you, GROW A SACK OR GO HOME.
Sincerely,
Overseer Blastbeard
Overseer Blastbeard
Post by: wierd on January 02, 2014, 11:00:26 pm
I wasn't about to prove him right, ya git!
--Urist McStonemason
To: Administrator Blastbeard
RE: Masculinity, hair, zombies, and Immigration
Sir! Please be civil! Urist is a perfectly gender neutral name, like Likod, or Ducim. Not some sissypants elf name like some other members of this fortress have! (You KNOW who they are!)
As for my reaction to seeing my own beard try to forcibly wrap itself around my own neck, and try to extinguish the very dwarf that had nurtured and cared for it since birth, it was simply too much all at once. A zombie goblin? No problem. Killing them a second time only doubles the pleasure. --but having to fight with something as intimate and trusted as my own skin like that? Never had I even imagined the like!
As for why I immigrated here-- any stories you may have heard about me and the elven trade liason are complete lies, and I came here of my own free will to prove it! I was simply confiscating that spindly blonde strumpet's every last posession like I was instructed to. There is simply not a single shred of truth to the blatant lies about my being in any way indecent in such a fashion, and I certainly wasn't banished here for gross crimes against dwarve kind!
--Urist McMigrant
Post by: GuesssWho on January 03, 2014, 05:50:26 pm
Who the Hell decided to promote that Recruit to Axedwarf while he was berzerking?
Post by: MrCompassionate on January 03, 2014, 09:58:11 pm
If you are so angry about being hungry, thirsty tired and smelly how about you go pay a visit to your legendary bedroom, legendary dining room legendary food made from forgotten beast meat and drink your legendary booze rather than sitting about in the F**king barracks taking out your idiotic rage on passer byers by smashing their teeth out with your shield?
Better yet don't make yourself so angry in the first place. You were only starving, thirsty and tired because you forgot how stairs work and just sat about like an idiot in a pit during a goblin invasion. Its a mercy the humans were there to distract the army while I sent the miners to dig you people out, speaking of which why WAS the entire archer regiment in there with you when I gave them expressed instructions to man the battlements?
PS: Good job with the forgotten beast horde though, that winged coral webslinger humanoid must have been a challenge.
Post by: wierd on January 03, 2014, 10:01:42 pm
Did you remember to set my squad preferences to ALLOW me to sleep in my own room, and to allow me to go get food when on duty?
No?
Then who's fault is this again?
--Urist McMarksdwarfsson
Post by: Koremu on January 04, 2014, 02:06:25 pm
You will remember the clear and concise discussion on the dangers of working in the aquifer area, and why we decided to install grates above the drain hole to the lower level to prevent anyone from being washed down there by the flow. I am very pleased that you managed to install the grate without cancellation spam, and in doublequick time.
However, in constructing it with yourself beneath it, you have managed to provide the fortress with a graphic illustration of why stupidity and water don't mix.
Your eventual tomb will be constructed inside the aquifer, and will be allowed to remain naturally flooded for all eternity.
Requiescat In Pace,
Your perplexed overseer.
Post by: MrCompassionate on January 04, 2014, 09:10:20 pm
MrCompassionate,Actually Urist I totally did! I also disabled all training and you had no orders yet still you industriously stood there until you later waddled off for a snack and nap time. In fact sleep in room is on by default from what I can tell anyway so I would have had to go out of my way to deprive you of that!
Did you remember to set my squad preferences to ALLOW me to sleep in my own room, and to allow me to go get food when on duty?
No?
Then who's fault is this again?
--Urist McMarksdwarfsson
Post by: Chevaleresse on January 05, 2014, 03:35:47 am
How, exactly, did you manage to get yourself trapped in webs that were laying in plain sight in the middle of a wide room? Luckily for you, the producer of said web wasn't around, but one wonders how a dwarf such as yourself gets trapped by a nonliving, non-undead, non-magical, non-creature, non-moving entity.
Post by: pisskop on January 07, 2014, 01:57:36 am
As you know, recently necromancers have attempted to infiltrate tge fort. Why they thought tgey could hide on a three urist wide stairwell that descends 80 zlevels we cant be sure, but we caught and executed two. Eventually got a third. Bur, tgat third one kill one of us, Nele_hrrmerblah tge lumberdwarf.
WHERE IS HIS BODY? DID THAT. . . THING. . . REANIMATE IT AND IT WALKED AWAY? UPAN 80 LEVEL STAIRCASE PACKED WITH TRADE GOODS? Reward offered, your choice free room or free board for three months.
Post by: WanderingKid on January 07, 2014, 02:41:17 am
I assure you, that when I forbid the surface of stuff, I expect the surface to remain UNATTENDED. I particularly don't expect you guys to suddenly get some urge to go surface spelunking the first time we open the front door IN OVER 30 YEARS.
We have kilometers of engravings depicting the horrors that await anyone who dawdles on the surface longer than a few moments. We have endeavoured to build quite possibly the most dwarven undead grinder of overkill known to sentient beings. Even the Elves quiver at the OMG. You have to leave the confines of the burrow to even go UP there.
*facepalm* You stupid drunken beards. WHYYYYyyyyyyyyy?!
-Overfiend.
Post by: Ultimuh on January 07, 2014, 04:30:09 am
Dear Overfiend.
SOOOOOOCKS!
-Bearded "Morons" of FurnaceClans.
Post by: Urist McEngraver on January 07, 2014, 05:24:31 pm
When I tell you to craft the wood armor again, I expect you to do it. I don't care about the rabid animals.
Sincerely, Your Kind Druid Overseer
Post by: klefenz on January 07, 2014, 05:57:26 pm
You can drink later, there's a dwarf about to die because you can't haul your ass to the hospital.
If you don't go right now I'll assign another suturer, and guess on who will he practice suturing?
Post by: kibaseviltwin on January 07, 2014, 08:00:38 pm
i, your ever caring and much smarter
to Urist MCMiner why every time is it that you some how miraculously get killed by lava, you had 9, and i made sure i counted NINE way to escape but instead like some sort of slightly sight impaired elf you stood there and let your self swim in the lava, did you believe that it was strawberry wine or some sort of godlike moving cheese, anyway to you i bid good riddance.
to Cerol the Explorer, hope you enjoyed that. because of your lunacy 23 dorfs will die by the Forgotten Beast's jaws, 23 innocent and happy dorfs killed in the flames of Crecol Glazedsilks flames, 23 people you dunderhead, that's two thirds of our population here at Silkstones. in fact i hope you enjoy your wooden elf-made slab.
and finally to Limbek The Noble , Stop with all of the mandates. yes i understand that you absolutely need adamantine socks, but they are not going to be made if you keep this up you might just suffer a nery fortunate accident and be dropped sown a hatch to meet Crecol Glazedsilks The Eternal Sapphire and his antmen friends.
sincerely
the smart one
Post by: AWellTrainedFerret on January 08, 2014, 03:25:29 pm
For future reference, I would appreciate it if you would take but a moment of time to check whether or not one of your fellow Dorfs is standing on top of a floor grate BEFORE you deconstruct it. I would truly hope that the 6 tragic deaths we have very recently suffered, all within the last few moments of time, when I ordered ocean fishing wharf platform #3 to be dismantled can serve as a stark reminder of what may happen when basic safety measures are not followed.
Sincerly,
The only person who even remotely cares about you
Post by: pisskop on January 09, 2014, 01:32:27 am
I hope you excuse me. Somehow a caccodemon got into the fortified pillar that serves as the archery range and had
Anywho, tge fact that it got in past any bolts and killed one of you is not excuse to curbstomp it and punch and kick it to death. Youall had exceptional or better iron/steel weapons. wtf, mate?
Also, Lor is pardoned for her earlier assaults. You, all of you left her half eaten baby laying around the floor hatch. It was a skeleton before I noticed it. shame on you.
You exasperated manager
Post by: AWellTrainedFerret on January 09, 2014, 08:33:21 am
I find the location you chose to enter the map on your way to my fortress to be a bit questionable. The map edge, 2 trees, and a sheer cliff to the ocean beach infested with undead sharks makes for a nice safe, lookout; however I'm sure that soon, as hunger and thirst set in, you will regret your decision...because I really can't be bothered with rescuing. Not that I actually want Dorfs such as yourselves to be part of my population. Maybe if you brought more than a dabbling speardwarf, 2 parents with ONLY social skills, and a child I would reconsider. But as it stand, rest assured that the masons are making 4 slabs and the engravers are on standby.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on January 09, 2014, 12:45:06 pm
While the magma resevoir for our future magma furnaces and workshops does have a shitton of stone in it, there is still plenty of stone throughout the fortress corridors, much closer to the stockpile. Indeed, getting into the resevoir requires going outside, then climbing to the top of the volcano, then into it, then back out again carrying a goddamn boulder. Please carry stone more efficiently.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Dear Dorfs of Gatizingish Vathez "The Fondled Bodices of Virgins",
"The Fondled Bodices of Virgins"?
Post by: Eric Blank on January 09, 2014, 08:39:51 pm
Dear dorfs:
Stop making so many friends. You're dooming yourselves to a horrible demise.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Post by: fractalman on January 10, 2014, 12:57:53 am
Quote
did you believe that it was strawberry wine or some sort of godlike moving cheese:dear overseer.
Nay. it is the holy blood of Armok himself. If you don't wish us to bathe in it, try having your next miner channel the actual breach from above.
-magma miner.
-p.s. slab me so i can go onto the afterlife already.
Dear stone haulers(all but 3-4 or you for some reason),
While the magma resevoir for our future magma furnaces and workshops does have a shitton of stone in it, there is still plenty of stone throughout the fortress corridors, much closer to the stockpile. Indeed, getting into the resevoir requires going outside, then climbing to the top of the volcano, then into it, then back out again carrying a goddamn boulder. Please carry stone more efficiently.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
-dear akura.
UristMcMason said those stones were better for his assigned task. you overseers just can't seem to appreciate the fine distinctions properly... still, if you insist that particular stones not be used or hauled, you will need to say so outright. Alternatively, have uristMcMiner drill us a faster route in, and/or allow us to use a few wheelbarrows for the stockpiles.
-Urist McHauler.
Post by: Jake on January 10, 2014, 05:31:45 am
Will you please be careful with those bloody fireballs? You killed several of our livestock (I'm not sure about that merchant and caravan guard, but I dare say you'll be hearing from their next of kin), set fire to all the lumber and burned down the ashery, and we were lucky not to lose all the coal as well! Not to mention the fact that the front entrance now looks like Boatmurdered. All that for one kobold who hadn't even managed to nick anything.
Oh, well, looks like I'm building a sprinkler system.
Yours,
A rather frustrated Avatar of Armok
Post by: WanderingKid on January 10, 2014, 01:30:07 pm
Not to mention the fact that the front entrance now looks like Boatmurdered. All that for one kobold who hadn't even managed to nick anything.
You never know. We thought we saw an elephant in the strawberry bush. Better to be safe.
Post by: BenLubar on January 11, 2014, 12:36:22 am
You can walk through the gap between the adjacent corners of two boxes with adjacent corners. You can carry a statue with you when you do that. Why can't you build a statue in a corner behind two other statues? This would seem to be a much larger gap, unless statues can exist in the same physical space - but not the one you're carrying.
Dear Uristmccleaner,
Did you just leave that bar of soap in a pile of blood and pus? That's gross.
Dear Uristmcstonesandbouldershaulingdwarf,
Why are you climbing down twenty flights of stairs to pick up boulders from the mines when there are boulders ten steps away from the stockpile in the mayor's new office waiting to be disposed of? That's impolite and inefficient.
Dear Uristmcguardcaptain,
You are jailing a six-time convicted murderer-vampire. Why are you giving her a reduced sentence? She has a plan to kill everyone she meets.
Post by: SpazzyCat on January 11, 2014, 04:48:00 am
Please, please, please, make more mechanisms instead of aimlessly milling about. You are virtually drowning in rocks. Use them. The goblins will be arriving soon and I haven't even got a proper soldier, let alone militia, to defend the fortress with.
With love,
The Invisible Guiding Hand
Post by: kibaseviltwin on January 11, 2014, 12:02:42 pm
Dearest Urist McMechanic:
Please, please, please, make more mechanisms instead of aimlessly milling about. You are virtually drowning in rocks. Use them. The goblins will be arriving soon and I haven't even got a proper soldier, let alone militia, to defend the fortress with.
With love,
The Invisible Guiding Hand
Dear Mr. Hand
im on me break
sincerely,
Urist McMechanic
Post by: SpazzyCat on January 11, 2014, 06:19:03 pm
Dear Urist McMechanicDearest Urist McMechanic:
Please, please, please, make more mechanisms instead of aimlessly milling about. You are virtually drowning in rocks. Use them. The goblins will be arriving soon and I haven't even got a proper soldier, let alone militia, to defend the fortress with.
With love,
The Invisible Guiding Hand
Dear Mr. Hand
im on me break
sincerely,
Urist McMechanic
Good news! We've installed a special lever just for your
Yours,
The Invisible Guiding Hand
Post by: Larix on January 11, 2014, 09:41:25 pm
I'll make sure to warn all fortress citizens to disregard any missives by invisible guiding forces, which are clearly a demonic/goblin/elf influence trying to tear down our glorious dwarven civ by subverting our minds.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McMechanic
(I still wonder what you did wrong - when a dwarf's really failing to do their assigned job, it's always the overseer's fault. I'm not counting breaks and un-restrictable nonsense jobs like "store owned item" or "pasture large animal" - they're annoying but just take a bit of patience to wait out.)
Post by: Nomad_Monad on January 13, 2014, 08:48:17 pm
The teeth of a forgotten beast are a rare find indeed. Several of our brave hammerdwarves died to bring these to us.
That is why I ordered you to reserve them for decorating metal furniture. I was referring to the Queen's newly forged golden throne, statues, and steel doors. With the teeth of a horror of the depths adorning our halls, she would strike a menacing figure indeed.
I was not referring to the buckets.
The bucket brigade doesn't need to menace anyone with spikes of forgotten beast tooth.
Sincerely,
Urist McFacepalm
Post by: fractalman on January 14, 2014, 05:48:54 pm
But they such awesome buckets now! Besides, they'll help scare away the carp!
p.s. next time, if you insist on decorating something specific, tell me which stockpiles I'm allowed to take from rather than assuming I can read your mind through the computer screen!
-McCrafstdwarf.
Post by: Lielac on January 18, 2014, 05:30:52 pm
Spoiler: All right, you'll do. (click to show/hide)
You're still an ass and I don't give a rat's ass what you want for mandates, but 41 elves is not something to take lightly. I just hope you're replaced in the next election.
Sincerely,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: IronTomato on January 19, 2014, 10:06:18 am
The trade caravan left last year and promised that they'd pay us well for our short swords. I made a lot of them, to equip our own, and to trade with, and they had all been painstakingly crafted from Beerfire's best iron and steel.
But alas, now that the trade caravan is almost here, you have decided that we shouldn't be able to give them our short swords.
Go to hell,
IronTomato
Post by: CHR1SZ on January 19, 2014, 10:34:27 am
It would appear my instructions were not clear enough. I meant for you to decorate the meeting hall with +engravings+, rather than dwarf blood and XXteethXX. I don't suppose the two sane peasants remaining could clear up this mess, could you?
Thanks,
Post by: AWellTrainedFerret on January 19, 2014, 11:27:33 am
I understand that the recent loss of you pet duck by having it's head severed, flying off in an arc, impaling your left hand, and getting lodged firmly in the wound must have been very traumatic...however for future reference when I explicitly mark both airlock doors into the danger room barracks as pet-forbidden, that means you shouldn't hold them open and let you pet duck follow you in.
Sincerely,
Your caring and benevolent Overseer
Post by: blazing glory on January 19, 2014, 03:09:01 pm
Dear NOBLE PIECE OF SHIT:
The trade caravan left last year and promised that they'd pay us well for our short swords. I made a lot of them, to equip our own, and to trade with, and they had all been painstakingly crafted from Beerfire's best iron and steel.
But alas, now that the trade caravan is almost here, you have decided that we shouldn't be able to give them our short swords.
Go to hell,
IronTomato
Urist mcnoble piece of shit cancels issue another mandate:suffered an Unfortunate accident
Post by: Nopkar on January 20, 2014, 07:13:41 am
You are our forts first and LAST line of defense. I understand that you've seen some gruesome things lately, especially that last lion attack that mauled the last migrant wave. You were particularly valiant in dispatching these monsters.
HOWEVER; This does not excuse you from putting every other member of the fortress under the scrutiny of your silver mace...have fun murdering defenseless women and children.
P.S...after you starve to death I'm reclaiming this fortress and leaving your grave unmarked and covered in lion feces...I hate you.
Post by: WanderingKid on January 20, 2014, 01:13:58 pm
Please stop pathing halfway into the trap and then sitting on the stairway for a few years. Either hang around on the surface without trying to path in or get IN the grinder. Stop being intelligently annoying because pathfinding suddenly gets confused for you.
-Overfiend.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on January 20, 2014, 04:10:17 pm
We ~n't have any way to get in to your fort. We may be morticidal, but we like to have a chance at acquiring brains to eat. And none of this stereotypical moaning nonsense. None of our limbs rot off, so why should our vocal cords?
Undead #17
Post by: JTTCOTE on January 21, 2014, 12:52:22 am
Why do you mandate construction of large gems, then forbid exporting them? You're not even a jeweler, you're a weaponsmith..what?
Post by: Boltgun on January 21, 2014, 08:34:46 am
Dear Mayor,
Why do you mandate construction of large gems, then forbid exporting them? You're not even a jeweler, you're a weaponsmith..what?
Dear Overseer,
I am merely trying to stimulate the economy. And before you answer, I do believe that the goblin believe that we still believe in economy. Many more has been approaching us since I started mandating all those gems. My stock of scrap iron has never been so large.
Also, I love gems.
Sincerely,
Urist McGemlover
Post by: the1337doofus on January 23, 2014, 01:46:59 am
For future reference, we do not fish here. Do you want to know WHY we don't fish here?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr.Mountain on January 24, 2014, 03:38:53 pm
Next time you see one of the militia captains bleeding out on a cavern floor, please feel free to take him to a designated hospital instead of running to get the other guy's socks of his corpse.
Sincerely, your Overseer.
P.S.
-to the hidden necromancer in my fort:
STOP. ANIMATING. MUSSEL. SHELLS.
Post by: Urist_McGamer on January 24, 2014, 03:58:34 pm
A note to Stallion Mcmetalsmith/fisherpony:
For future reference, we do not fish here. Do you want to know WHY we don't fish here?That's why. Because there's big green clouds of radioactive dust. That usually turns ponies into corpses. And you're useful. You can smith. So next time I catch you outside for a stupid reason, I'm leaving you out there to get eaten by a radscorpion.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear OverMare/OverStallion,
But its what my Cutie Mark is telling me!
Yours, StallionMcFisherPoni
Dear Urist
Next time you see one of the militia captains bleeding out on a cavern floor, please feel free to take him to a designated hospital instead of running to get the other guy's socks of his corpse.
Sincerely, your Overseer.
P.S.
-to the hidden necromancer in my fort:
STOP. ANIMATING. MUSSEL. SHELLS.
Dear Mr.Mountain,
Never, fool! Do you not know you deal with the master of hiding!
"Babmo Bibrundo!"
There, another shell for you to play with!
Yours, MAREasmus the Necromancer
Post by: YvAd on January 24, 2014, 10:44:40 pm
When you mandate that i make stupid crap, and it isn't made- don't blame the ACTIVE DUTY military. It's not the militia commander's job to make gauntlets. He kills the zombies to keep you safe. Sending the useless fortress guard to try to beat him up is not productive. Go beat one of the metalworkers if someone really needs beaten.
Post by: MrsStick on January 25, 2014, 04:35:58 pm
After yelling and berating you in my frustration over your reluctance to pull the lever when the siege forces came, I later realized that your laziness allowed all of our citizens and pets to make it into the fortress while just barely keeping the goblins, blizzard men, and trolls out.
So, I am not apologizing, but I am also your overseer for a reason. I am willing to accept the risk that pulling the lever early might cause us to lose one or more dwarves or pets. It's why all of our children and legendary status dwarves are permanently assigned to a burrow that doesn't let them exit the drawbridge (after losing our legendary mechanic...sigh).
So please pull the lever when I ask you to. Or else I might put you outside before pulling it next time.
Post by: Artinnio on January 25, 2014, 05:21:35 pm
Yes I understand your stress, I agree it's painful to see your first son die and your second son to get drafted into cavern spelunking duty. I also remember the last werecreature debacle and how your wife is now in quarantine and how your last squad got slaughtered before your very eyes. I understand how you are in need of some long down time but this does not mean you are able to abandon your comrades in the heat of a violent siege to drown out your sorrows. You're depression cost us several soldiers and collateral from their families will cost us greatly.
Next time wait until AFTER battle, or I'll send you to the pits
-Management of Fort Defense
Post by: MrsStick on January 27, 2014, 07:48:49 pm
Stop standing in the spot where you're trying to build a wall. YOU'RE THE CREATURE BLOCKING THE SITE!
Regards,
Overlady
Post by: pisskop on January 27, 2014, 07:59:53 pm
I Can't. You see, I have to climb the wall to complete it, being of average height. I bet though, if you told us to stop making it and then reassigned it right after somebody else would have more luck.
Urist
Post by: Hetairos on January 27, 2014, 08:02:07 pm
Trying to sneak into the fort through the barracks of the most elite squad in the fortress really isn't a good idea.
Yours,
Overseer of Wirejade
Post by: Lolfail0009 on January 27, 2014, 09:12:29 pm
Fuck you
~Flamentsuyo, Fisherdwarf of Trumpetone.
Post by: Jake on January 27, 2014, 09:17:26 pm
*sigh* You silly, silly bastards. Do you not test these spells down the archery range before the Guild sends you out? I moved the trade depot some considerable distance from the front door after the second time you scattered fellow merchants, local residents and beasts of burden like ninepins to take out one kobold thief. Charitably, I put these accidents down to the fact that the original depot was in a narrow dead-end valley, and you might simply be inexperienced when it comes to what some of those spells can do up close.
I was going to build a guard tower around it and station some marksdwarves there to provide security, but I'm rethinking that in light of the fact you managed to kill
And how in the name of all that's holy and a great many things that aren't did you manage to start another forest fire with an inch of snow on the ground?
Credit where credit's due, though, turning that goblin squad leader into a scarecrow was pretty cool.
Yours,
The increasingly world-weary Avatar of Armok to the Barony of Zustarek
Post by: WanderingKid on February 02, 2014, 03:44:22 am
This is your Overfiend. I appreciate the fine work you've put into our fort for the last 30 years, but by the Blood of Armok, you're losing your minds in the hole. Look, I get that it's faster to just stuff the wheelbarrow into the minecart instead of taking the rock out of it and putting THAT in the minecart. I'm actually okay with that.
However, something must have recently gotten into the liquor, because you're spamming me to death with the wheelbarrow now being unavailable. Look, you midget retards, you just put it IN the minecart. What the hell did you expect?!
If you make me completely reorganize the stone QSP because you're too damned drunk to fix your own mess, I'm going to send one of you down to the caverns as a distraction for the Green Glass whatever that thing was which I can't light on fire with magma. Get your beards combed, already.
-Overfiend.
Post by: Splint on February 02, 2014, 04:19:32 am
If you're going to use something as a mount in battle, use something that doesn't run away when presented with even the vaguest threat of a passing billy goat. Most of you idiots can't seem to control your horses and you make for crappy screenshots. Oh and stripping the flesh from said horses is a pain in the ass because of how far away from the fortress they insist on getting killed at is.
Thank you,
Overseer of Carryscar.
Post by: Erils on February 02, 2014, 09:51:50 am
-an angry letter-Dear Mr. Overfiend,
Taking the stones out of the wheelbarrow is a time-consuming job that is innefficient and, in the end, useless. The stones will just be picked up and put down again so why do it this time? Also, with that new magma-resistant Green Glass monster lurking beneath us, drink is the only solace we have. Perhaps the simple solution is just to construct another wheelbarrow?
Sincerely
-The Bearded
Post by: WanderingKid on February 02, 2014, 11:59:24 am
Perhaps the simple solution is just to construct another wheelbarrow?
We tried that, you semi-sober literate. You left THAT wheelbarrow right next to the other one in the minecart.
Post by: WanderingKid on February 02, 2014, 12:33:46 pm
Your pet Turkey is on the surface, in a cage. It's safe. Stop spamming me that you can't reach your pet to release it! I'm ---><--- close to opening the maintenance access and letting you path through the grinder.
-Overfiend.
Post by: the1337doofus on February 02, 2014, 07:10:31 pm
TO FUCKING
URISTS MCMILITARYMEMBERS
WHEN I TELL YOU TO GET A FUCKING WEAPON
GET THAT FUCKING WEAPON
DO NOT DROP ALL YOUR ARMOUR ON THE GROUND, THEN RUSH OUTSIDE TO TRY AND FIGHT THE GOBLINS BARE FUCKING NAKED WITH NO WEAPONS.
-YOUR FUCKING FURIOUS OVERSEER
Post by: Doktoro Reichard on February 02, 2014, 09:10:54 pm
STOP DIEING FROM INFECTIONS. Or better yet, when you do get an infection, when you lose a lot of blood, or if your nose is broken, go to Urist McDoctor and grab a tonne of soap and wash yourselves. I don't care how you smell, just that you get clean.
I mean, you killed over 500 goblins, trolls, jabberers and forgotten beasts all with a couple of bolts, and when I send you to kill a gremlin, you fall from a thing you could have sorted out by now.
Or better yet, don't get hurt with training spears.
Sincerely yours, your puppeteer.
Post by: Sutremaine on February 02, 2014, 09:43:58 pm
I was impressed when you took a short tumble and carried on mining for a few squares while drifting in and out of consciousness from your broken right hand. After walking yourself to the hospital and being patched up and discharged within a week, I decided to follow you as you cleared out the last of the channels for the bees' above-ground access. I was less impressed when your response to hitting the clay layer just below the surface was to channel out that clay beneath your feet and fall 23 levels.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What the fuck are you trying to prove, you mad dwarven bastard?
Post by: flame99 on February 02, 2014, 10:01:44 pm
Post by: Erils on February 03, 2014, 01:44:55 am
Perhaps the simple solution is just to construct another wheelbarrow?
We tried that, you semi-sober literate. You left THAT wheelbarrow right next to the other one in the minecart.
Then we just *hic* need another wheelbarrow. It's not like *hic* anyone cares if we *hic* cut down all the trees.....
From:
The Dwarves of FurnaceClans
Post by: oldark on February 03, 2014, 02:39:16 am
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Post by: Erils on February 03, 2014, 07:34:59 am
Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.Dear Overseer,
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
The trousers are so much warmer and seem to offer more protection.
--Urist
Post by: smjjames on February 03, 2014, 09:17:17 am
Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
Post by: blazing glory on February 03, 2014, 06:56:16 pm
How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
Post by: smjjames on February 03, 2014, 09:20:46 pm
Why are you not picking up the backpack and quiver? You can't use a crossbow without a quiver, go and freaking get the stuff! What the heck are you waiting for! You've got training scheduled!
Overseer of Lashdye.
Edit: NOW she gets the stuff. :P
Edit2: Now she decides to sleep. Okay...... Better get a good rest because you'll have a busy training session.....
Post by: BlackFlyme on February 03, 2014, 09:28:46 pm
Why are you all sneaking everywhere? None of you have hunting enabled and there is absolutely no wildlife on the map, so I don't understand what would convince you to skulk everywhere.
I know you lot are sneaking because I've noticed your ambushing skills increasing and you are all moving unbelievably slow.
Confusing.
Post by: Bumber on February 03, 2014, 09:52:50 pm
To the dorfs:Uh-oh. Your dorfs think they're kobolds. They're all going to need professional help.
Why are you all sneaking everywhere? None of you have hunting enabled and there is absolutely no wildlife on the map, so I don't understand what would convince you to skulk everywhere.
I know you lot are sneaking because I've noticed your ambushing skills increasing and you are all moving unbelievably slow.
Confusing.
Post by: BlackFlyme on February 03, 2014, 10:01:32 pm
Uh-oh. Your dorfs think they're kobolds. They're all going to need professional help.
More like I messed up an interaction somewhere and now everything in the game is trying to be stealthy.
My dwarfs were 'ambushed' by a hidden snapping turtle.
Though I don't know what specifically caused this.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on February 04, 2014, 11:58:13 am
Post by: Knit tie on February 04, 2014, 01:37:54 pm
Your wife and infant child died because you and the rest of your squad were too busy throwing a party to save them from a giant langur, and then your mother in law threw a fit and kicked Udib the smith's brains out. His friend, in turn, threw a fit of his own, broke a door and flooded the entire industrial level with magma. This has caused 23 dwarves to burn alive, 2 to drown while heroically breaching the underground lake in an attempt to contain the catastrophe and 4 more innocent souls to be forever encased in obsidian. The rest of the fortress, understandably, erupted into a massive riot which culminated with our bookkeeper making your only friend into a shoe before starving to death. You currently are the only survivior out of a population of 80, wearing your dead friend on your right foot. Why the fuck are you still ecstatic?
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Post by: Erils on February 04, 2014, 01:40:33 pm
I'm ecstaic because my foot is incredibly warm! My old shoes were always way too cold.
Sincerely,
Urist McCaptain
Post by: the1337doofus on February 04, 2014, 04:05:11 pm
You were supposed to link that bridge to a lever.
Instead, you didn't, and a titan wandered in. Good job. You're assigned to the military. Happy death!
Post by: Erils on February 04, 2014, 04:07:24 pm
Kulet Sedil, 122, Sandstone.
A desert titan is attacking! And we have no military! PANIC! PANIC! YOU THERE! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU CAN HANDLE A WEAPON! TAKE THESE PEASANTS AND GO KILL IT!
____
Well, that's a dead war drake, and 3 less useless mouths to feed. Hip hip, hooray.
Dear Overseer
Those three "useless mouths" were my best friends. Now I'm going to throw a tantrum about this and bring your whole fortress to an end! Lets see how useless they were now.
From
Urist McAngry
Post by: Larix on February 04, 2014, 04:34:45 pm
Uh-oh. Your dorfs think they're kobolds. They're all going to need professional help.
More like I messed up an interaction somewhere and now everything in the game is trying to be stealthy.
My dwarfs were 'ambushed' by a hidden snapping turtle.
Though I don't know what specifically caused this.
Awesome!
It probably won't be too useful against invaders, who don't really seem to be affected by your units' stealth, but the speed penalty slowly goes away with raising level (in fact, it entirely disappears at the fabled legendary +5 in adventurer mode) and training the skill improves agility, spatial and kinesthetic sense and focus, according to the Wiki.
Of course, keeping the professions apart might become difficult when everyone's flashing green.
Post by: BlackFlyme on February 04, 2014, 04:42:02 pm
Awesome!
It probably won't be too useful against invaders, who don't really seem to be affected by your units' stealth, but the speed penalty slowly goes away with raising level (in fact, it entirely disappears at the fabled legendary +5 in adventurer mode) and training the skill improves agility, spatial and kinesthetic sense and focus, according to the Wiki.
Of course, keeping the professions apart might become difficult when everyone's flashing green.
The problem was that everything was sneaking all the time, from dwarves to wild animals. The game would stop every few seconds because some random animal was spotted, and I couldn't see any of the wildlife on the map unless they got too close to the dwarves. It was happening in adventure mode too, and for some reason even my adventurer was involuntarily sneaking. Whenever I stopped sneaking it would automatically force me to start sneaking again.
I still don't know why that's happening, but for now I've disabled every hiding interaction.
Post by: blazing glory on February 04, 2014, 11:54:32 pm
Dear Urist McCaptain,Dwarf fortress in it's rawest form
Your wife and infant child died because you and the rest of your squad were too busy throwing a party to save them from a giant langur, and then your mother in law threw a fit and kicked Udib the smith's brains out. His friend, in turn, threw a fit of his own, broke a door and flooded the entire industrial level with magma. This has caused 23 dwarves to burn alive, 2 to drown while heroically breaching the underground lake in an attempt to contain the catastrophe and 4 more innocent souls to be forever encased in obsidian. The rest of the fortress, understandably, erupted into a massive riot which culminated with our bookkeeper making your only friend into a shoe before starving to death. You currently are the only survivior out of a population of 80, wearing your dead friend on your right foot. Why the fuck are you still ecstatic?
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Post by: Mad Jackal on February 05, 2014, 10:48:28 pm
The waist is actually right below the rib cage. Where things get narrow on hourglass figures.How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
The hips are not the waist.
Post by: doublestrafe on February 05, 2014, 11:27:39 pm
I'm not even mad. There was 1 tile with 3 water. There was 1 tile with 1 magma. I just want to know...how did you even manage to be in it right as they combined?
Best of luck to you in your new life path as a rough obsidian wall. Maybe I'll make your slab out of you.
Regards,
The Overseer
Post by: blazing glory on February 05, 2014, 11:47:42 pm
The waist is actually right below the rib cage. Where things get narrow on hourglass figures.How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
The hips are not the waist.
Thus we have the problem,our urist is wearing pants right below his rib cage,while he should be wearing the pants on his legs so the lower body is at the same time below his ribcage and his legs
Post by: Knit tie on February 06, 2014, 12:42:23 am
The waist is actually right below the rib cage. Where things get narrow on hourglass figures.How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
The hips are not the waist.
Thus we have the problem,our urist is wearing pants right below his rib cage,while he should be wearing the pants on his legs so the lower body is at the same time below his ribcage and his legs
That's nothing, I had some kobold thiefs wear thongs on their heads.
Post by: BlackFlyme on February 06, 2014, 12:55:58 am
That's nothing, I had some kobold thiefs wear thongs on their heads.
I know I saw an image of this somewhere once before.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Lolfail0009 on February 06, 2014, 02:55:02 am
That's nothing, I had some kobold thiefs wear thongs on their heads.
I know I saw an image of this somewhere once before.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
When that saves him from a ballista bolt, let me know.
Post by: blazing glory on February 06, 2014, 03:58:46 pm
*Snip*
When that saves him from a ballista bolt, let me know.
We are somewhat straying from the subject here,the head is always the head and will never not be the head,while the lower torso for some reason is both legs and above the waist at the same time
Post by: misko27 on February 06, 2014, 10:51:53 pm
It's because the raws are somewhat abstract. I mean sure, there are various things to put some logic into the body-parts, but you could have two creatures that are conceptually somewhat different, but with the same raws.*Snip*
When that saves him from a ballista bolt, let me know.
We are somewhat straying from the subject here,the head is always the head and will never not be the head,while the lower torso for some reason is both legs and above the waist at the same time
Post by: blazing glory on February 06, 2014, 10:59:07 pm
oh well,lets just forget about itIt's because the raws are somewhat abstract. I mean sure, there are various things to put some logic into the body-parts, but you could have two creatures that are conceptually somewhat different, but with the same raws.*Snip*
When that saves him from a ballista bolt, let me know.
We are somewhat straying from the subject here,the head is always the head and will never not be the head,while the lower torso for some reason is both legs and above the waist at the same time
anyone have any notes they want sent to urist?
Dear urist mcsewer monster
Can you please stop skulking in the sewer because I can't breathe water
sincerly,a grumpy adventurer
Post by: the1337doofus on February 07, 2014, 11:31:34 am
Please FINISH BRINGING YOUR KILLS IN.
Don't drop them mid haul for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. You haven't been spooked, locked out, anything, you just seem to be randomly dropping your dead animals for n reason at all. This means we have no meat, no bones, nothing. None of that means no better weaponry. No better weaponry means no warband. No warband means the inferior races like the elves will kill us with their treachery.
- Clan Leader Doof
Post by: blegh on February 07, 2014, 09:36:55 pm
Please stop whining about feeling sick .
I explicitly told you not to go hunting because the surface is all covered in acid sludge and yes, it hurts when you try to wade through that.
But you wouldn't listen.
You wouldn't even listen when i told you to go to that room 20 lvls beneath the entrance-hall and stay there, giving me stupid
excuses like "i'm off duty now" or "i'm not in the army you know" or "burrows are for women".
I would also like to take the opportunity to give you my whole-hearted thanks for dumping your quivers on said acid sludge when i decided to draft you into the military and *ordering* you to go inside.
As if you didn't know your family would hurry outside to pick up the stuff.
All of them are now sick as well. If not dead because of those half-rotting camels you managed to attract the attention from.
To be more precise: Of the 74 happy dwarves that were once running this magnificent fortress-to-be, there are now only 26 left.
Lying of the floor. Crying. Vomiting. Because of you.
Kinds regards,
Hope you get well soon,
Overseer.
Post by: blazing glory on February 07, 2014, 09:54:04 pm
Dear archers,
Please stop whining about feeling sick .
I explicitly told you not to go hunting because the surface is all covered in acid sludge and yes, it hurts when you try to wade through that.
But you wouldn't listen.
You wouldn't even listen when i told you to go to that room 20 lvls beneath the entrance-hall and stay there, giving me stupid
excuses like "i'm off duty now" or "i'm not in the army you know" or "burrows are for women".
I would also like to take the opportunity to give you my whole-hearted thanks for dumping your quivers on said acid sludge when i decided to draft you into the military and *ordering* you to go inside.
As if you didn't know your family would hurry outside to pick up the stuff.
All of them are now sick as well. If not dead because of those half-rotting camels you managed to attract the attention from.
To be more precise: Of the 74 happy dwarves that were once running this magnificent fortress-to-be, there are now only 26 left.
Lying of the floor. Crying. Vomiting. Because of you.
Kinds regards,
Hope you get well soon,
Overseer.
You know what they say
LOSING IS FUN
Post by: blegh on February 07, 2014, 10:01:17 pm
You know what they say
LOSING IS FUN
It is. :) And addictive.
Post by: Tawa on February 07, 2014, 10:52:29 pm
Please, please stop running away from elk birds every frickin' time you're going to get some addy for the sword I'm going to give to a future adventurer.
Signed,
Moi
P.S. Avoid cutting into caverns at all costs, cave moss and underground mushtrees are fugly
Post by: smjjames on February 10, 2014, 03:52:10 pm
What is your minor obsession with artifact grates, the miner just made the 7th artifact grate in the fort (and the third obsidian grate, but that's only because I've been forcing obsidian to be chosen with mason type moods), why aren't you guys making other stuff like, oh say, armor stands or something?
Are you guys trying to tell me something here?
Your slightly annoyed and somewhat perplexed overseer.
Post by: Erils on February 10, 2014, 04:13:56 pm
I set your equipment to use a steel battleaxe for a reason. Please stop using your fists. The goblins almost got in that time, and if it wasn't for Urist McHammerdwarf blocking the door, they probably would have.
From
Your frustrated overseer.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on February 10, 2014, 04:20:09 pm
We are trying to indicate that this fort needs a building destroyer-and Overseer-safe magma heating system. Flooding the caverns with magma would also be appreciated.
The craftsdwarves of Lashdye
Post by: klefenz on February 11, 2014, 05:43:04 am
During that ambush when I recruited you and assigned you to use a warhammer and then sent you to fight, i meant you to pick the hammer to beat those goblins, not to just run and punch them, and dont give me cheap excuses, Catten got the hammer. Too bad another ambushed showed up and killed almost all the militia, anyway, screw you Urist, you'll get the cheapest coffin.
Post by: the1337doofus on March 02, 2014, 08:19:00 am
PUT.
ON.
YOUR.
FUCKING.
ARMOUR.
WE HAVE TONS OF STEEL ARMOUR, WHICH I HAVE EXPLICITLY CHECKED AS "UNFORBIDDEN". STOP FUCKING ABOUT AND GO PUT IT THE FUCK ON YOU STUPID, FUCKING, TWATS.
-The Overseer who is on the verge of letting the circus visit just to watch you idiots suffer.
Post by: smjjames on March 02, 2014, 01:47:33 pm
A note to Urist McMilitary:
PUT.
ON.
YOUR.
FUCKING.
ARMOUR.
WE HAVE TONS OF STEEL ARMOUR, WHICH I HAVE EXPLICITLY CHECKED AS "UNFORBIDDEN". STOP FUCKING ABOUT AND GO PUT IT THE FUCK ON YOU STUPID, FUCKING, TWATS.
-The Overseer who is on the verge of letting the circus visit just to watch you idiots suffer.
Have you tried setting the equipment to replace clothing?
Post by: Doktoro Reichard on March 02, 2014, 06:45:42 pm
What insanely good reason you or any other dwarf by that matter have for you to become called as "the Godly Brain", when you yourself are renowned for having poor analytical abilities and an iffy memory. For heaven's sake, you even dislike intellectual discussions.
Unless you defeated a giant floating brain, there is no good reason for you to be called as such. And no, you didn't defeat a giant floating brain. You defeated a demon moose and a towering beetle spider and a couple of goblins.
Your confused overseer.
Post by: WanderingKid on March 02, 2014, 07:29:49 pm
We have sealed the inner doors to the fortress because you fools INSIST on leaving via the OMG. While amusing, we don't want your trash goods. Please leave the way you came in.
No... really. 3 months later you're still doing doughnuts in front of the trade depot instead of leaving. Go away already.
.... okay, You arrived in Fall. It's now SUMMER. GO HOME.
... sigh....
Post by: ImagoDeo on March 02, 2014, 11:19:20 pm
Dear Traders visiting FurnaceClans...
We have sealed the inner doors to the fortress because you fools INSIST on leaving via the OMG. While amusing, we don't want your trash goods. Please leave the way you came in.
No... really. 3 months later you're still doing doughnuts in front of the trade depot instead of leaving. Go away already.
.... okay, You arrived in Fall. It's now SUMMER. GO HOME.
... sigh....
This is what I hate about complex fortress layouts. I have a huge underground tree farm in Valefortress where merchants will occasionally (when I forget to close the gates) wander for months before finding their way out through the 3-wide map-edge-restricted exploitative path. No wagons ever got in there, because they couldn't path down, but every time I left the hatch open I'd have several elves or humans or even dwarves wandering down there for months. It infuriated me to watch the pathing algorithms fail over and over and over until finally they wandered close enough to find a way to the actual map's edge. Always worried that they'd go berserk and murder some of my smiths or wreck my magma forges or something...
Post by: Punching Bag on March 03, 2014, 12:47:18 am
I know that the death of that woodcutter due to goblins is bad, but please don't run into another Hammerlord's room and kill him. It may just cause the rest of my military to flip the fuck out and slaughter everyone before becoming melancholy/stark raving mad.
Signed, your
Post by: enizer on March 03, 2014, 12:44:56 pm
re: forgotten beast
we just had our first forgotten beast show up in the cavens, giant mite, no special attributes.. and you simply run up to it, and BITE it, in the BRAIN?
the entire combat log is just 6 actions, and only two of them yours.
aside from that epic feat, i have a couple of questions
do you have some food preferences you havent shared with us, and feel are lacking?
what do forgotten beast brains taste like?
and last but not least, how did you become mayor while most of your time is spent busy with military duties?
you have not had time to make friends with anyone,
from looking at statistics, the majority of the fort dosnt even know who you are?
Post by: Grim Portent on March 03, 2014, 12:56:01 pm
and BITE it, in the BRAIN?
Promote this dwarf.
Post by: callisto8413 on March 03, 2014, 04:34:46 pm
I understand the dead Minotaur is heavy. But I asked for it to be dumped over a year ago. It isn't that far from where it died to the dumping area. In fact, when I brought some zones and stockpiles into the protective walls, I moved it closer. :(
And the fact that it is heavy is no excuse. Two of you moved the giant mole and the FORGOTTEN BEAST all the way from Hell to the surface without being ASKED! They were still warm from being killed by the militia. Nobody grumbled about that. :o
Also that does not excuse the fact that there are dead rats, hamsters, goblins, and gray langurs all over the place! They are in no way that heavy - many were brought in by the cats. For crying out loud you have dead vermin in the tavern! Right next to the still! I know many of you are eating with your bare hands and don't wash yourself and drink right out of the barrels, but come on! There is a hamster right next to the brewing equipment! That's sick! :'(
And what is with all the dead deer, bears and wolves you guys killed and then refused to bring in? Were you sick of meat? Don't you like meat in your diet? You walk over half the map just to go fishing! Don't tell you you don't like meat! We have a herd of pigs and a million chickens! ::)
The bone carvers are SCREAMING for bones and nobody can walk over to the corpses that we DO put away in the stockpile to get one for them? Come on! >:(
For love of Armok, take a few more steps to fall asleep IN a bed. It is embarrassing to find you guys snoring in the middle of a room, on the dirty floor, when there are a dozen empty beds within reach. And I will not even bring up the Hunters who fall asleep in the middle of a hunt leaving a wounded animal to slowly DIE from the dozen of bolts that were shot into it! :-[
The Overseer
Post by: NullForceOmega on March 03, 2014, 04:45:34 pm
Post by: ImagoDeo on March 03, 2014, 04:45:51 pm
If there is a space for you to stand other than on top of the square you are channeling, it may be a good idea to do so.
Especially if you are digging in or near an aquifer.
Especially ESPECIALLY if you are currently holding our fort's only pickaxe.
Sincerely,
Barely Contained Rage Previously Known As Overseer ImagoDeo
Post by: Nidilap on March 03, 2014, 05:51:32 pm
Remember that siege we had a few months ago, and how our fearless soldiers went forth to end it? Remember our heavy casualties, despite of our victory? Remember why you are the Surgeon? START DOING YOUR JOB AND CARE FOR THE FEW SOLDIERS STILL ALIVE! You have the equipment, and skill, and job order!
Signed, your loving, great, mighty, amazing overseer, Nidilap
P.S., I installed a well in the hospital. Go nuts.
Post by: Knit tie on March 03, 2014, 06:45:59 pm
Please. Stop. Breeding. You are both in fucking traction, for god's sake!
Your seriously concerned for your health Overseer.
Post by: blazing glory on March 03, 2014, 10:44:44 pm
Dear Nil McCook and his wife Todok McMiner,
Please. Stop. Breeding. You are both in fucking traction, for god's sake!
Your seriously concerned for your health Overseer.
Baby cannon! weaponise it!
Post by: Knit tie on March 03, 2014, 11:07:16 pm
Post by: klefenz on March 03, 2014, 11:31:55 pm
Dear Nil McCook and his wife Todok McMiner,
Please. Stop. Breeding. You are both in fucking traction, for god's sake!
Your seriously concerned for your health Overseer.
Great! BDSM dwarves, what's next?
Post by: WanderingKid on March 04, 2014, 01:19:03 am
Dear Nil McCook and his wife Todok McMiner,
Please. Stop. Breeding. You are both in fucking traction, for god's sake!
Your seriously concerned for your health Overseer.
Great! BDSM dwarves, what's next?
We knew that. You ever seen how often the frickin' dwarves simply MOVE IN to the damned jail cells? They eat the inmate out of food and booze!
Post by: blazing glory on March 04, 2014, 03:55:26 am
Well the babies aren't propelled. They just kinda fall out.
Your not doing it right! fill the mothers with pressurized air! that'll send them flying!
Post by: smurfingtonthethird on March 04, 2014, 05:02:36 am
Please stop giving birth while charging in full armour towards goblins while riding minecarts. Although mass goblin killings are a great bonding experience, taking a naked baby and using it as a shield is fairly irresponsible. Failure to comply will have you thrown into the coliseum for my further amusement.
Signed, your annoyed overseer.
Post by: gtaguy on March 04, 2014, 10:26:48 am
The sky fort is doing nicely, except for half of it being knocked down due to a dwarf tantruming because he was stung. That wasn't what got me.
What got me was the fact you all started to flip shit and destroy all the supports. Why in Armok's name?
I can't.
- Your brooding overseer.
Post by: smjjames on March 04, 2014, 11:15:58 am
Dear extremely incompetent dwarves,
The sky fort is doing nicely, except for half of it being knocked down due to a dwarf tantruming because he was stung. That wasn't what got me.
What got me was the fact you all started to flip shit and destroy all the supports. Why in Armok's name?
I can't.
- Your brooding overseer.
Were you removing building designations nearby? That happened to me once when I had ordered a support to be removed by accident without realizing it. At least until the dwarf removed it and caused a cavein.
Post by: Larix on March 04, 2014, 11:16:45 am
if you insist on attracting goblin ambushes that slaughter you, can you please do this somewhere more convenient? We're not going to send haulers allllll the way out there to collect your garbage, let alone your pathetic corpses. I mean, you didn't bring along a single loincloth; before we bother protecting your caravans, you should have something better to offer than a foul attitude and pieces of bent wood.
But until then, go ahead, get yourself killed and make the surface look untidy. See if we care.
Having trouble locating a shit to give about you,
the dwarfs of Ustanoddom.
Post by: callisto8413 on March 04, 2014, 12:11:46 pm
How are you doing? Enjoying your beautiful bedroom? You lovely private dining room? The office I gave you? The fact that you, and the other Nobles, have been removed from most tasks not related to your jobs. Well, not all tasks. I have the Duchess sewing and stuff, which is very lady like. When she is not screaming at people. And we can't have you doing nothing when the traders are not in, right? Am I right? Sure. So you can do a few tasks not related to your job.
But I have a question...
THAN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SLEEPING WHEN I NEED YOU AT THE TRADING DEPOT?
WE NEED TRADE. We are a metal poor Fortress! We need to trade our wonderful mugs and other crafts for iron and steel and copper...and anything. We only produce nickel! Now, nothing wrong with nickel buckets and nickel jugs and nickel hives but you can't use it for WEAPONS and TOOL!
For the past four years, every time I request your presence at the depot you are drinking or eating or sleeping or on break. ON BREAK FROM WHAT?!?! One of the only tasks you have left is hauling. And when the traders are in the area everybody else and I do mean EVERY. BODY. ELSE. is hauling stuff to the depot. I mean it, much of the there are 0 idlers. ZERO! NOBODY slacks off when the traders come in. No, I stand corrected. Sometimes there is one idler. YOU! WHERE are you hauling stuff? Are you hauling stuff away from the depot?
And half of the time (oh yes, I wrote it down after a few years) the record shows that you are ON BREAK or sleeping!
Even putting a barrow, just for you, on the depot does not seem to do it.
So, after some debate I have decided what I need to do is make it so you can't sleep. I will fill your bedroom with beds. And I will fill your office with beds. And I will fill your dining room with beds. Wherever there is no a cabinet or a chair or another object I will place a bed. And I will assign all the babies to the beds. Or kids if I run out of babies. And as the kids become adults they will be moved out and other babies or kids moved in.
You are now daycare. Don't THINK I won't do it!
If that fails I will assign you to one of the houses on the surface. You know, with the wall to wall beds. The houses right next to the noisy workshops. At least you will be closer to the depot.
And if that fails I will search all the Dwarfs' stats and skills to replace you and have you turned into the first Hauler. ALL you will do is clean, haul, and bring people water and food. That is all you will do. I will make a class of Haulers and you will be the founder. No, no, I will not call them Haulers. I will call them BUTLERS!
With great hate,
The Overseer.
PS - Don't THINK I WON'T! To be honest, you are the only Dwarf who is pissing me off. The Mayor is a great miner, the military know how to fight and the Duchess can be amusing sometimes (and her husband is a good Militia Captain). Yes, the other Dwarfs come across as lazy but let's be honest, I am working most of them to death on surface work. They are bound to fall asleep on their feet or pass out or get sick from too much sun. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE!
Post by: Larix on March 04, 2014, 12:33:39 pm
query the depot, set the "b" option to
"anyone may trade"
Problem solved.
And why do you keep requesting the broker when he's eating, sleeping, drinking or on break? Talk about bad timing. :P
(For the merchants' margin, social skills of the trader may matter (negotiator, flatterer, judge of intent...), but to see the value ratings, the broker's appraisal skill is always used, whether it's the broker or someone else who's actually trading. And a broker who doesn't broke won't have notable social skills for trading anyway, so you're not losing much, if anything.)
PS - well, perhaps you shouldn't do this after all. I mean, it'd just remove a neverending source of incoherent boiling anger. And going by this thread, the opportunity to be incredibly angry at tiny bearded virtual people is a popular reason to play the game.
Post by: smjjames on March 04, 2014, 01:37:02 pm
You useless fool, there is a vampire on a killing spree and people have reported the crime and what are you doing, sitting in the beer hall drinking when you should be arresting the vampire! She's about to snack on her third victim in a row since being released from eternal prision in a failed attempt to fix a healthcare glitch that particular dwarf has!
I don't care if you're thirsty, justice takes precedence.
You. Are. FIRED!
Your pissed off Overseer.
Also, I'm a Duchy now, if that matters, but shouldn't the captian of the guard arrest criminals anyway? I have a jail.
Edit: The third victim woke up before the vampire could start feeding, at least.
EDIT: NOW you do the chain animal job after I fired you?!?!? You're still fired anyway.
Post by: BumbleMead on March 04, 2014, 06:58:52 pm
While there are a number of issues with the current airlock system, I really do think you'd maybe be happier just going through it than playing tag with the zombies on the surface. Also, if you die over here in the serene part of the map I won't have to worry about you rising from the grave. It's okay! You can come inside now! We have booze and noblemen and everything.
-Bumblemead
Post by: Erils on March 05, 2014, 07:55:26 am
You were the one who threw a tantrum in your sleep and destroyed your own bed. You're going to have to wait a bit for a new one seeing as wood is in short supply and there are many dwarves who need beds more than you.
From
Your annoyed Overseer
Post by: lazygun on March 06, 2014, 09:43:15 am
Please make note that when the entire military is given the order to 'attack', it does not mean 'fill waterskin' They do not even have the same number of letters. Of course, seeing the entire military leaving the entrance unguarded during a goblin siege does not make your overseer happy. You have completely failed at the entire purpose of your existence. Especially since this is version 0.23.130.23a in which items cannot be forbidden and dwarves with orders to 'stay inside' don't bother paying attention to that until the moment the sunshine starts to dry up their beards. Oh! The carnage in the entrance hall!
Well, it's time to rethink the defences. What I need is some kind of system where goblins are baited into a trap. And guess who is going to be the bait?
Post by: BumbleMead on March 06, 2014, 04:29:19 pm
Sorry about the trouble with the bridges. I promise that the levers are now correctly labelled and hooked up. There shouldn't be anymore of these 'mysterious' incidents in which residents and their pets are atom-smashed by accident. There's a gold dining hall downstairs, please don't tantrum again.
-Bumblemead
Post by: YHVH on March 06, 2014, 05:31:57 pm
Please pull the lever saying Contains Fun.
Your asshole overseer
Post by: the1337doofus on March 07, 2014, 04:21:16 pm
YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU INCOMPETENT, BUMBLING IDIOTS! NO LONGER SHALL YOU DEFY MY WILL, FOR YOUR DOOM IS IMPENDING! HENCEFORTH, ALL OF THE FORTRESS RESIDENTS ARE ASSIGNED COPPER SWORDS AND ARMOUR, AND ORDERED TO REPORT TO THE ADAMANTINE VEIN IN THE FORGES. May Armok have mercy on your souls.
An addendum to the lucky few who survived and beat back the circus: How the fuck?! Whatever. Not going to question you idiots. Now clean up this mess and get back to making - -Golden Goblets- -
Post by: Blazinganvil1 on March 07, 2014, 09:49:57 pm
FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK, GO USE THE DAMN ARCHERY RANGE!! DON'T JUST STAND IN THE DINING HALL PERFORMING THE NOT-JOB "Go To Archery Practice"!! I KNOW you are active duty, and I KNOW you are assigned to the range. AND I KNOW you have plenty of assigned ammo! There are only about 1000 bolts waiting in the stockpile!
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
Post by: the1337doofus on March 07, 2014, 10:13:10 pm
Dear marksdwarves of the Mountainhome Rocksnourished,
FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK, GO USE THE DAMN ARCHERY RANGE!! DON'T JUST STAND IN THE DINING HALL PERFORMING THE NOT-JOB "Go To Archery Practice"!! I KNOW you are active duty, and I KNOW you are assigned to the range. AND I KNOW you have plenty of assigned ammo! There are only about 1000 bolts waiting in the stockpile!
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
For some strange reason, Marksdwarves get stuck if put on active duty without orders. Take them off active duty but keep them uniformed, and they'll spend most of their time training.
Post by: WanderingKid on March 07, 2014, 10:21:46 pm
Dear marksdwarves of the Mountainhome Rocksnourished,
FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK, GO USE THE DAMN ARCHERY RANGE!! DON'T JUST STAND IN THE DINING HALL PERFORMING THE NOT-JOB "Go To Archery Practice"!! I KNOW you are active duty, and I KNOW you are assigned to the range. AND I KNOW you have plenty of assigned ammo! There are only about 1000 bolts waiting in the stockpile!
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
For some strange reason, Marksdwarves get stuck if put on active duty without orders. Take them off active duty but keep them uniformed, and they'll spend most of their time training.
Weird, I've never had this problem. Then again I usually issue a full squad of 10 orders for 2 to train so they build up shield/wrestling.
Post by: Doktoro Reichard on March 07, 2014, 10:39:13 pm
Post by: than402 on March 08, 2014, 01:18:26 pm
I commanded you to put the prisoners of the last sieges in two cages.Not only have you not finished the job,but you started to empty the cages,and put them back in single cages.And now,you return them back to the previous cages.So,before i go stark raving mad myself,i want to ask you one thing:
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS????
Post by: smjjames on March 08, 2014, 02:31:34 pm
Dear Dwarves of Flagbore,
I commanded you to put the prisoners of the last sieges in two cages.Not only have you not finished the job,but you started to empty the cages,and put them back in single cages.And now,you return them back to the previous cages.So,before i go stark raving mad myself,i want to ask you one thing:
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS????
Did you switch those already caged or to be caged from one cage to another? I did that to try and speed things up and they did basically what you did, had to wait until they finished. I don't know if you have DFhack, but one of the plugins on there which helps with management of caged/pastured animals, try activating show/hide caged.
The ui doesn't show who is in what cage, so it gets confusing when you try and change what is in which cage while the dwarves are still in progress or haven't gotten there yet and you are putting things in multiple cages at once.
Post by: than402 on March 09, 2014, 05:39:14 am
Dear Dwarves of Flagbore,
I commanded you to put the prisoners of the last sieges in two cages.Not only have you not finished the job,but you started to empty the cages,and put them back in single cages.And now,you return them back to the previous cages.So,before i go stark raving mad myself,i want to ask you one thing:
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS????
Did you switch those already caged or to be caged from one cage to another? I did that to try and speed things up and they did basically what you did, had to wait until they finished. I don't know if you have DFhack, but one of the plugins on there which helps with management of caged/pastured animals, try activating show/hide caged.
The ui doesn't show who is in what cage, so it gets confusing when you try and change what is in which cage while the dwarves are still in progress or haven't gotten there yet and you are putting things in multiple cages at once.
i'm not entirely sure,but i probably did.i do have DFhack,so i should download this plugin immediately.thanks.
Post by: smjjames on March 09, 2014, 10:49:36 am
Dear Dwarves of Flagbore,
I commanded you to put the prisoners of the last sieges in two cages.Not only have you not finished the job,but you started to empty the cages,and put them back in single cages.And now,you return them back to the previous cages.So,before i go stark raving mad myself,i want to ask you one thing:
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS????
Did you switch those already caged or to be caged from one cage to another? I did that to try and speed things up and they did basically what you did, had to wait until they finished. I don't know if you have DFhack, but one of the plugins on there which helps with management of caged/pastured animals, try activating show/hide caged.
The ui doesn't show who is in what cage, so it gets confusing when you try and change what is in which cage while the dwarves are still in progress or haven't gotten there yet and you are putting things in multiple cages at once.
i'm not entirely sure,but i probably did.i do have DFhack,so i should download this plugin immediately.thanks.
If you were moving lots of goblins, it could have happened without realizing it. Also, it's included in DFhack, or should be.
Post by: Doktoro Reichard on March 09, 2014, 12:59:06 pm
............
It isn't included in DFHack, but is in the LNP if I recall. This is, assuming you are referring to the UI Improvement Plugins (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=119575.0) by Falconne.
Post by: smjjames on March 09, 2014, 05:01:49 pm
It isn't included in DFHack, but is in the LNP if I recall. This is, assuming you are referring to the UI Improvement Plugins (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=119575.0) by Falconne.
Oh I see. I thought it was included in DFhack and yes it's the plugins by Falconne.
Post by: Eidako on March 16, 2014, 11:14:11 am
(http://i208.photobucket.com/albums/bb194/eidako/DF_VampireDwarf.png) (http://s208.photobucket.com/user/eidako/media/DF_VampireDwarf.png.html)
Nice try, but the world is only 101 years old; you can't possibly be 125. You almost fooled me, I almost made you my broker, but you won't be drinking any blood in my fort. But you know, it would be a shame to let those social skills go to waste. I think I will add you to my administration team.
I hope you enjoy your very own 1x1 office with no doors, where you will keep the books updated to the highest degree of precision.
For all eternity.
Post by: Akura on March 16, 2014, 11:21:57 am
Dear Urist McVampire,Actually, no. Dwarves can be older than the world. Like shown, their age will be displayed as "has the appearance of somebody that is xx years old." Typically, this is the case with your starting seven if you have a short worldgen.
(http://i208.photobucket.com/albums/bb194/eidako/DF_VampireDwarf.png) (http://s208.photobucket.com/user/eidako/media/DF_VampireDwarf.png.html)
Nice try, but the world is only 101 years old; you can't possibly be 125. You almost fooled me, I almost made you my broker, but you won't be drinking any blood in my fort. But you know, it would be a shame to let those social skills go to waste. I think I will add you to my administration team.
I hope you enjoy your very own 1x1 office with no doors, where you will keep the books updated to the highest degree of precision.
For all eternity.
Then again, your S7 are rarely pushing the end of a dwarf's (un*)natural lifespan.
*Because it's just not normal for a dwarf to die of old age.
Post by: vicwarrior on March 16, 2014, 02:42:00 pm
I understand your claims of a lesser dwarf having better holdings than yours have been ignored, but throwing a tantrum and almost murdering the legendary weaponsmith that has forged the weapons to keep the fortress safe has been noted and subsequently and the following upgrades have been made to your dining room:
-Magma safe furniture including doors and everything.
-Liquid drainage sytem to avoid any spilled over alchool to stay on the ground making the floor slippery.
-"ventilation" system.
In addition to all that a lever has been created on your dining room and you and you alone are allowed to pull it in order to have your reward dispensed for all your hard barony work.
Also mind that for administrative mistakes your tomb has been unasigned temporarily, should you die within the following days you will be buried in communal graves instead of your well deserved mausoleom.
Post by: magnum2016 on March 16, 2014, 03:41:03 pm
Dear pathetic militia
When we get raided by zombies i would very much appreciate it if when I order you to attack the horde spilling through our gates you actually attack them instead of refilling your water bags and getting a bite to eat.
-Your very angry god
Post by: callisto8413 on March 17, 2014, 07:39:16 am
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
Maybe he thought he was a certain member of the Order of the Stick?
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0435.html
Post by: Doktoro Reichard on March 19, 2014, 05:45:34 pm
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
Maybe he thought he was a certain member of the Order of the Stick?
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0435.html
To be fair, Belkar only jumped to avoid the Mark of Justice acting up on him while inside Azure City (because if he killed anyone inside the city limits, he would most likely die from the curse).
I wonder... if a bolt fired inside a city killed a goblin outside it, would it still count as an in-city kill?
Post by: flame99 on March 19, 2014, 06:14:01 pm
To be fair, Belkar only jumped to avoid the Mark of Justice acting up on him while inside Azure City (because if he killed anyone inside the city limits, he would most likely die from the curse).I seem to remember Shojo said that the mark would activate if he killed "Anyone inside a town", so probably not. I couldn't find the comic where Shojo casts the spell, though, so I'm not sure. Then again, he was Chaotic Neutral, not Lawful Good, but then again again he was trying to impersonate a paladin.
I wonder... if a bolt fired inside a city killed a goblin outside it, would it still count as an in-city kill?
Post by: Akura on March 20, 2014, 11:10:06 am
CG, and not trying to impersonate a paladin. His paladins were sworn to serve him, and most of them probably only assumed he was bound by the paladins' code.To be fair, Belkar only jumped to avoid the Mark of Justice acting up on him while inside Azure City (because if he killed anyone inside the city limits, he would most likely die from the curse).I seem to remember Shojo said that the mark would activate if he killed "Anyone inside a town", so probably not. I couldn't find the comic where Shojo casts the spell, though, so I'm not sure. Then again, he was Chaotic Neutral, not Lawful Good, but then again again he was trying to impersonate a paladin.
I wonder... if a bolt fired inside a city killed a goblin outside it, would it still count as an in-city kill?
Post by: Greiger on March 20, 2014, 06:22:39 pm
While you are doing an admirable job of killing the wildlife I propose a change to your methods.
See, while you are supposed to kill various critters you are also supposed to be bringing them back in a butcher-able state. I just found the remains of two eagles in the river feeding the already bloodthirsty hippos.
Now I'll admit that disabling their flight ability while over a 20 some z level deep sheer river canyon is an extremely effective termination method, we kinda can't retrieve the bodies down there. Even if the water wasn't an issue there's the murderous hippos, and even if they were somehow no longer an issue it's easier to clean up a dead bird with a bolt through it's head than the scattered carnage from a terminal velocity impact.
The Administration
Post by: enizer on March 21, 2014, 10:13:38 am
Re: buckets of water.
I recently noticed a bucket in a corridor, marked it for emptying, and moved on.
Then later, I found two more buckets, and decided to search carefully for buckets over the fortress.
No less then 16 buckets of water were found, all littered around various corridors, and several being stored in the food stockpile.
FOOD STOCKPILE?
WATER?
ARE YOU ELVES?
To, Urist McToughGuy
Re: broken foot
In a recent fight with a goblin, your foot was broken, along with a couple of other injuries.
You walked into the hospital, took a crutch,
and went straight back to combat training.
While I admire your dedication, I would prefer if you allowed the doctors to take a look at you.
clean those wounds? maybe put a cast on that leg?
Also I cant help but suspect some of those corridor buckets were from someone trying to bring water to the dwarf with the broken leg..
Post by: smjjames on March 21, 2014, 11:05:33 am
Post by: enizer on March 21, 2014, 11:29:21 am
I dont think it's going to stop them appearing however
I could try to re-injure him to make him get help, but I kind of don't want one of my best soldiers off duty.
In other news, as a result of him training with the broken foot, he got attached to the crutch.. I assume that means he will keep it even after his foot heals?
Is that good?
Do I actually want him carrying a crutch around after he doesn't need it anymore?
Post by: WanderingKid on March 24, 2014, 04:12:41 am
Seriously. I put the buckets RIGHT NEXT to the water source. No, really, it's like 12 steps over. It's in the burrow. There is no excuse to trapse your butt 10 levels down into the fortress and over to the hospital well to fill the bucket. No, really. The watersource is even on the way to where you're going to pond it!
This is going to take forever... You bearded drunken morons.
No, STOP! It's right over... oh, nevermind...
-- The Overfiend, off to get his OWN drink on...
Post by: Mr Space Cat on March 24, 2014, 07:58:44 am
In other news, as a result of him training with the broken foot, he got attached to the crutch.. I assume that means he will keep it even after his foot heals?If he does keep using the crutch when he doesn't need it, he'll still train crutch-walking.
Is that good?
Do I actually want him carrying a crutch around after he doesn't need it anymore?
If I recall correctly, all the training with crutch walking will buff his speed past what it was before he started crutch-walking. I doubt the crutch will get in the way during combat, since one handed dwarves can still wield a weapon and shield in one hand. A dwarf could probably wield a weapon, shield, and crutch no problem with two hands, probably one hand too.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on March 28, 2014, 08:35:03 am
Frustrating, but kind of needed. Otherwise, the game would be painfully slow from all the pathing (already one of the game's biggest CPU drains).They probably come from one or more floors up and the booze stockpiles in the prisons might be closer, if you just ignore those pesky floors.
Hmm, maybe you are right, but then that IS the single biggest bug in DF right now. And I know a lot of them...
In this particular case: the prison is 30-40 tiles away from the stairs, restricted movement, and there is NOTHING below it for 10-12 levels. Not even corridors, just undug stone. So: 10-12 levels below that prison I do have the main living area/panic room: 5z deep block with food stockpile at the bottom level so it can be sealed from the rest of the fort in case of emergency.
Next to the prison I have the barracks, and above it the pits, so traffic is pretty scarce there. Down 1 level and 20 tiles to the west is the entrance, and below that the food preparation area and the main food stockpiles. My military won't go tot the prison, but I always get 6-8 dwarfs drinking there, and only 1-2 in the main booze stockpile of this level - right next to the stairs...
So yeah, it's frustrating.
Post by: Akura on March 31, 2014, 02:09:36 pm
There are seven of you. FOUR of you are on break, one is sleeping, and one is justifiably doing nothing because I haven't actually given them something to do.
Rectify this.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: GreatWyrmGold on April 06, 2014, 06:23:55 pm
Dear Urist (DOCTOR);Please share the mod used to make this.
I wish to write to congratulate you on the fine work you have done for this colony thus far.
I fondly recall the day you arrived as an immigrant. For the first day, we had misunderstood the value you brought to our home, and had you labor away as a common hauler. You did not complain. You even shuffled along those barrels of scorpion vomit with a cheerful and carefree attitude. I wish with every fiber of my being that your mood would rub off on the rest of us. Especially the Mason.
You first came to our attention when you displayed impressive levels of initiative. Faced with that mount of rotting corpses outside, you took it upon yourself to construct your very own slaughterhouse, and for a couple of years, kept our kitchens well stocked with delightful meat of questionable provenance. The quality of life for all increased measurably within days.
You again came to our attention when you took the lessons you learned in flaying creatures alive and applied that to the medicinal arts. When our first dragoon squad got lost and mistakenly laid siege to us, you were there before the rest of us, fishing children out of those bladed traps and pulling them off spikes. I note that already several diplomats from the home territories have sent their own medics to learn from you. I understand that to this day nobody else can graft the skin from a marmot onto a living dwarf and have it take. We are proud of you!
But I do admit that I have one small, niggling concern. While you ability to graft animal parts onto dwarves is nothing short of legendary, we would kindly ask you to limit or abandon your research. I note that we've already had one military dwarf sever his own arm. It is our understanding that you had promised to graft him a dragon's leg for a new arm. I wish to point out that we currently have no dragon, much less one willing to part with a limb. While we have no doubt that, could this be done successfully, that it SHOULD be done, but we ask you kindly that we wait until we have both a willing limb-culling dragon and an armless dwarf already present and available. The militia rosters are thin enough as it is without a surfeit of self amputations.
Your cooperation anticipated,
Labor Manager
Post by: Tawa on April 09, 2014, 07:42:31 pm
DRINK
TAKE BREAK
DRINK
TAKE BREAK
DRINK
EAT
TAKE BREAK
The merchants from Kubuk Umril have embarked on their journey.
GO TO DEPOT--
Oh they're gone.
UPDATE STOCKPILE RECORDS
Post by: Jack Smythe on April 10, 2014, 12:02:06 pm
It is wonderful to have you in our tundric fort, surrounded by vast plains of no trees. While I still wonder why you choose to venture out here, perhaps a deep hatred of your own craft, nonetheless, more dwarves are always welcome. There is only one, slight issue. While I understand I didn't order you to build beds first thing, mostly because we had other, more pressing needs, that did not mean we had no need for beds. In fact, we have a rather urgent need for beds. So, if you would be so kind, would you tell me WHY IN ARMOK'S NAME YOU USED OUR LAST THREE LOGS TO BUILD A CUP! A CUP! sheer waste involved, using three entire trees to make a single cup, not even a well made or nice looking artifact at that, boggles the mind. I don't even know how you managed to avoid having enough waste wood to build fifty more cups. Or at least another bed. If you had, I might forgive you. But since you have denied us the wood we need to make beds, unless a damned good reason is produced, you are now promoted to militia captain. There's a pack of wolves outside. We have no armor or weapons to give you. Please leave your axe behind.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Jack Smythe
Post by: Doktoro Reichard on April 10, 2014, 02:07:40 pm
Dear Urist McWoodworker,
It is wonderful to have you in our tundric fort, surrounded by vast plains of no trees. While I still wonder why you choose to venture out here, perhaps a deep hatred of your own craft, nonetheless, more dwarves are always welcome. There is only one, slight issue. While I understand I didn't order you to build beds first thing, mostly because we had other, more pressing needs, that did not mean we had no need for beds. In fact, we have a rather urgent need for beds. So, if you would be so kind, would you tell me WHY IN ARMOK'S NAME YOU USED OUR LAST THREE LOGS TO BUILD A CUP! A CUP! sheer waste involved, using three entire trees to make a single cup, not even a well made or nice looking artifact at that, boggles the mind. I don't even know how you managed to avoid having enough waste wood to build fifty more cups. Or at least another bed. If you had, I might forgive you. But since you have denied us the wood we need to make beds, unless a damned good reason is produced, you are now promoted to militia captain. There's a pack of wolves outside. We have no armor or weapons to give you. Please leave your axe behind.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Jack Smythe
Maybe he was prepping up for this Simpsons joke:
Urist McDwarfette: Look, I want a cup
Urist McWoodworker: Cup, could you spell that?
Urist McDwarfette: Cee Yuu Pee i wanna Cee Yu...oh my god!
Post by: Jack Smythe on April 10, 2014, 05:08:21 pm
Dear Urist McWoodworker,
It is wonderful to have you in our tundric fort, surrounded by vast plains of no trees. While I still wonder why you choose to venture out here, perhaps a deep hatred of your own craft, nonetheless, more dwarves are always welcome. There is only one, slight issue. While I understand I didn't order you to build beds first thing, mostly because we had other, more pressing needs, that did not mean we had no need for beds. In fact, we have a rather urgent need for beds. So, if you would be so kind, would you tell me WHY IN ARMOK'S NAME YOU USED OUR LAST THREE LOGS TO BUILD A CUP! A CUP! sheer waste involved, using three entire trees to make a single cup, not even a well made or nice looking artifact at that, boggles the mind. I don't even know how you managed to avoid having enough waste wood to build fifty more cups. Or at least another bed. If you had, I might forgive you. But since you have denied us the wood we need to make beds, unless a damned good reason is produced, you are now promoted to militia captain. There's a pack of wolves outside. We have no armor or weapons to give you. Please leave your axe behind.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Jack Smythe
Maybe he was prepping up for this Simpsons joke:
Urist McDwarfette: Look, I want a cup
Urist McWoodworker: Cup, could you spell that?
Urist McDwarfette: Cee Yuu Pee i wanna Cee Yu...oh my god!
What's sad is the one female dwarf we had went loony from not having a bed, among other things [such as the lack of drink off and on, her friend getting mauled by a pack of wolves, the coffin and burial services not working without booze, etc], went berserk and killed the wood worker. So he did probably tried to pull that on her.
Post by: pisskop on April 16, 2014, 01:39:28 am
Hi wandering tick couple! We don't have any issues with you guys, so lalalala. We are just going to collapse our wagon underground to avoid that cloud over there. lalala.
[tick man goes to investigate]
[tick woman screams in brief agony]
[tick arm, tick head, tick torso, tick man thralls walk to ditch]
~fin
fastest. fort. ever.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on April 16, 2014, 03:01:59 am
A summation of my most recent fort:
Hi wandering tick couple! We don't have any issues with you guys, so lalalala. We are just going to collapse our wagon underground to avoid that cloud over there. lalala.
[tick man goes to investigate]
[tick woman screams in brief agony]
[tick arm, tick head, tick torso, tick man thralls walk to ditch]
~fin
fastest. fort. ever.
Strike the earth!
A section of the cavern has collapsed!
Your fortress has crumbled to its end.
Post by: Waxonian on April 16, 2014, 08:09:32 am
Because it's just not normal for a dwarf to die of old age.
My current fortress notes 3 dwarfes which died of old age, 15 years after foundation. One was a elite marksdwarf, unfortunately. Good old Urist McSharpshooter, rest peaceful in your tomb.
Post by: vidboi on April 16, 2014, 08:28:06 am
I'm am aware there are only 30 adults to look after all 60 plus of you. I am also aware that you seem to be forming large roving gangs in order to attract the attention of certain said adults. There is however a reason we live in the 3rd cavern layer -
Sincerely, your concerned overseer.
Post by: than402 on April 18, 2014, 04:48:12 am
I understand you want to be properly buried and go to the afterlife.I also want you to get out of my fort.If you stop chopping off the legs of my (very few) dwarfs,i might as well manage to properly memorialize you.Everyone wins.
Post by: flame99 on April 19, 2014, 06:48:09 pm
You just fell asleep while working on walling off the aquifer. While the aquifer is still flowing at you. How do you even manage that?! On top of that, you're a lyemaker in a fortress that was founded THIS YEAR! Why are you even here? Did you go melancholy and the game forgot to tell me?!
Luckily for you, plans have been made for the Lavadome, and we'd like to offer you the prestigious chance to be the very first person to see the interior of it!
With much hatred,
Your malevolent Overseer.
Post by: Waxonian on April 20, 2014, 04:34:48 am
I appreciate your effort to supply rock to all these masterly masons and crafters. But did you know: there is plenty of rock everywhere in the fortress - not only at that minecart track. Rock in the hallways, rock in the dining rooms, rock everwhere. Why did you want to get that stone far in the most distant corner of this dwarven subway tunnel? What was so particular with that piece of mudstone that made you to walk hours into darkness? What was your intention: to trick your companions to save you having your legs broken out of that high traffic minecart route?
I must confess I didn't disable that single one stone, but I'm sorry, I didn't realize what attraction it was for you. I really hope the surgeon will master your complex injuries, so we can discuss about your love for that mudstone later.
Sincerely
your overseer
Post by: Jack Smythe on April 20, 2014, 08:59:33 am
Dear Armok, everyone's going to die. The goblins are coming out of the walls! Game over, man, game over!
Your Overseer,
Jack McScrewed
Post by: pisskop on April 23, 2014, 02:01:50 pm
Good job with the mining. I told you to dig out a path from the cavern lake to the little cavern pond that touches the edge, and you did. I told you to sneak by the hostile cave swallowmen, and you did. I told you to dig up, and you did. I just did not realize that there was a third pond I did not see. You created a whirlpool that took you a month to crawl out of. luckily you were quick to learn to swim.
That said.
Why do you think it is a good idea to pass out from exhaustion on the shore of the lake, within sight of the tribals and with all kinds of olms and crocs wandering around? Do you think I am made of copper picks? Get your arse topside and don't get riddled with darts.
Post by: NeatHedgehog on April 23, 2014, 03:40:34 pm
While your efforts in singlehandedly constructing the archer's pillbox out in front of the fortress is certainly appreciated, the work would go much faster if you would not build yourself into corners every other minute, requiring either mind-numbing micromanagement, or that the newly built wall or fortification to be torn down so that you may return home and not starve to death on the wall.
Post by: flame99 on April 23, 2014, 07:50:12 pm
Greetings, Urist McMason,I'd let 'em starve myself. He's practically asked for it at this point.
While your efforts in singlehandedly constructing the archer's pillbox out in front of the fortress is certainly appreciated, the work would go much faster if you would not build yourself into corners every other minute, requiring either mind-numbing micromanagement, or that the newly built wall or fortification to be torn down so that you may return home and not starve to death on the wall.
Post by: mate888 on May 04, 2014, 07:24:43 pm
Utterly confused.
The overseer.
Post by: Eric Blank on May 05, 2014, 01:05:31 pm
I had no idea it would be like that! I've never done this before!
Urist McPussyEngraver
Post by: thefish1992 on May 05, 2014, 01:19:10 pm
Amulets? Seriously? you mandate and forbid the exporting of amulet!?
ok thats fine. whatever i will fill that mandate later, but before you go, could i get your opinoin on this trash compactor? Theirs this little detail under it i would like you to see.
Your overseer.
Dear New Mayor of senserag
It was a terrible tragedy. that poor old mayor, crushed into dust. Real shame that, but you wont have to worry about that will you? now what mandate will you make sir? Something nice? Helmets and buckets you say? I can do that, just stay away from trash compactors and amulets my friend and i'm sure we will get along just fine.
Your ever caring overseer.
Dear Ballista operator.
You have to be shitting me! I know ballistas are extremly inaccurate but they cant be THIS bad! I mean how dificult is it to shoot a ballita arrow down a one wide hallway? The Barnum and Baileys Hell time show is canned in that hallway, now get drunk, get on the war machine, AND SHOOT STRAIT!!!
Your Less than understanding overseer
Dear military of the Former fortress of senserag
Well that's is guys. you could have done it you know that? you could have beaten the circus. you had them at that choke point, you were clad in steel and they were all made of material that steel could cut. You had it..... and blew it.
i don't know why you thought moving to the stair way was a good idea, but that is what you did. half of you tripped almost immediately into the magma at the bottom. the other half didn't do much better. but its okay. it was fun, and that's what matters. So to you my dwarves in steel i raise my glass. To the fun of the loss my dear dwarves, and my the loser always have fun.
Sincerest farewell from your overseer,
Thefish1992.
Post by: mate888 on May 05, 2014, 04:12:28 pm
Dear overseer:Actually, you did, you mercilessly killed a coyote like seven seconds before that, and you had a HAPPY tought about that. Just... Keep engraving please.
I had no idea it would be like that! I've never done this before!
Urist McPussyEngraver
Overseer.
Post by: Larix on May 05, 2014, 04:28:42 pm
Dear Ballista operator.
You have to be shitting me! I know ballistas are extremly inaccurate but they cant be THIS bad! I mean how dificult is it to shoot a ballita arrow down a one wide hallway? The Barnum and Baileys Hell time show is canned in that hallway, now get drunk, get on the war machine, AND SHOOT STRAIT!!!
What do you mean bad? The arrows are _all_ in the "forward" quadrant! With painstaking, meticulous work of our noble siege engineers constructing the engines and our great efforts operating them, we finally got the failure rate to zero percent! Yes, we had to define "failure" as "more than 45° off course", but since we can only aim the machines in ninety-degree angles, that's only logical.
Cheers,
the siege operators.
@mate888 - you'll need to remove the "pet" flag from plump helmet men (or un-goblinise dwarven ethics if you allowed sentient butchering as default there) if you don't want to see this again. It's nothing wrong with the engraver, it's something wrong with your raws - "pets" can be butchered, but sentients ("intelligent" or can_learn/can_speak) will trigger "witnessed death" whenever they die, including butchering.
Post by: jcochran on May 05, 2014, 05:21:11 pm
Dear children of Dodokmidor,
I'm am aware there are only 30 adults to look after all 60 plus of you. I am also aware that you seem to be forming large roving gangs in order to attract the attention of certain said adults. There is however a reason we live in the 3rd cavern layer -I'm a sadistic overlord who loves forgotten beast extractthe surface is somewhat overflowing with goblins. When our legendary swordsdwarf - nicknamed "the silvery blazes of rhythm" - does go outside it's pretty obvious what she's going for. Please stop following her, I've assigned you all to a nice burrow with everything you could ever want, unlike the outside which only has sharp objects headng in your direction at high speed. Although our military is highly trained at avoiding said objects you are not, and the surface is covered wth enough bodies as it is.
Sincerely, your concerned overseer.
Hmm... You've just given me a little idea. I currently use an "Adult only" passage into my silk farm collection area because all too often a young child would follow her mother in there and destroy several stacks of webbing. There's no reason at all, that the same method can be used for the fortress exits to keep the small fry inside while the adults go outside. Unfortunately due to limitations on pressure plates, such an "adult only" passage requires the use of two pressure plates. My design is
#HD### H = Hatch cover, D = Door.
#P#### P = Pressure plate, citizen triggered, any weight, linked to hatch cover.
#P#### P = Pressure plate, citizen triggered, 50,000 Urist or heavier, linked to door.
When a beard is traveling from south to north, when an adult steps on the 1st pressure plate, the door opens. If a child hits the pressure plate, nothing happens (too light). Then when the 2nd pressure plate is stepped on, the hatch cover opens. Since pressure plates have a rather long delay in closing, if that beard is an adult, they will immediately repath through the open doorway, while a child will not see an alternate path, and will them turn around and do something else. Mind, there's nothing prohibiting a child from traveling north to south with the above arrangement. It ought to be easy to create a "roach motel" for children. Just make a room with "adult only" pathways leading out and designate the room as a meeting area. When the adults and parents go there, the children follow. And the children are unable to leave until they too, grow into adulthood (of course, make certain there are booze and food stockpiles on the children side of the barrier so they don't starve.)
Post by: mate888 on May 05, 2014, 08:05:18 pm
@mate888 - you'll need to remove the "pet" flag from plump helmet men (or un-goblinise dwarven ethics if you allowed sentient butchering as default there) if you don't want to see this again. It's nothing wrong with the engraver, it's something wrong with your raws - "pets" can be butchered, but sentients ("intelligent" or can_learn/can_speak) will trigger "witnessed death" whenever they die, including butchering.Oh, so having a sentinent being that can be butchered, is made out of delicious shroom that can be brewed and kills dwarves when they begin outnumbering them is a very !FUN! idea then...
The weird thing is that another dwarf killed a baby plump helmet man and nothing happened. And the PHM's can't actually speak, so...
Post by: Guvnah on May 06, 2014, 07:00:37 am
If one of you little @#$@$^% doesn't make this chest soon, I am going to pull the lever.
Luv and Kisses,
The Man at the Switch
Post by: Iceflame on May 06, 2014, 08:07:33 am
our Forges made a great amount of bolts for you. So please, go and pick them up. I swear by Armok, the next one of you going into melee combat without shooting a single bolt wins a weekend in the drowning chamber for him and the whole squad.
Overseer
Post by: pisskop on May 06, 2014, 10:14:30 am
Did you ever try disallowing us bolts and then reassigning us, say 400 of them?
Post by: TD1 on May 07, 2014, 11:19:53 am
I have your captain, through an intricate series of bridges and a single cage trap. You are without a leader to direct your forces. I would suggest retreat, but there seems to be a bridge in the way. Never mind, if you get through the corridor with the completely-safe warm walls up ahead, all will be fine.
Yours sincerely,
Fort Overseer.
P.S. The Captain shall be placed in a tower made of gold that houses the king. Good day to you.
Post by: PABadger on May 07, 2014, 01:20:59 pm
The water pipe leading to the brook is not a good path of travel, as it is usually full of water. You may have already noticed this, as I note that you are currently learning to swim in strong current. While I respect your interest in learning new skills, spring is about a week away and I have a feeling the water will become much deeper due to the runoff. I am afraid that I cannot spare a miner to open the side of the pipe at this time, but I have taken the liberty of closing the upstream floodgates, and I hope you will find your way downstream soon. If not, I have taken the liberty of preparing a wonderful coffin for you, with a eternal view of puddingstone walls.
Yours sincerely,
Gusilinen Overseer.
Post by: mate888 on May 07, 2014, 03:28:37 pm
Go talk with the *@#$*&@ Outpost Liason! Why do you keep going for drinks and harvesting plump helmets?! I alredy disabled all your jobs! So stop harvesting shrooms and talk to this guy! He's been following you for HOURS!
Dear Mothram McOutpostLiason:
Walk faster for Armok's sake! You had 2 chances when Urist stood and waited for the reunion, but you are so *@#$*&@ slow that he went drinking AND harvesting shrooms before you even got to the dining room!
Really frustrated. The Overseer.
Post by: the1337doofus on May 10, 2014, 02:27:22 pm
I said "Move to the gate and stay there".
Nowhere, in these orders, did I ever say "Chase the gnolls into the reanimating evil section of the map and beat them to death". I said sit at the gate and scare away the gnolls.
Serves you stupid gits right.
- Overseer Doof
Post by: Kreydurst on May 10, 2014, 05:13:34 pm
Just because there's spot unfilled in the stone stockpile, doesn't mean you have to go into the caverns to pick up the most dangerous rock when I'm not looking. And bring back three forgotten beasts which killed everyone but you, the brewmaster and my last swordsdwarf.
- Half dead Overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on May 10, 2014, 09:22:32 pm
We've been together a long time. You've been with us since the beginning. You were our first expedition leader, our first broker, our first manager, our first bookkeeper. You have shown tremendous leadership in getting our fortress to where it is today. You have supervised the growth of our fortress from a tiny expedition into a bustling metropolis. I have always had great respect for you, and when I recommended you for elevation to the nobility, I was quite certain you would prove an excellent ruler. However, I think it's time you and I had a talk.
I understand that life as noble is sometimes difficult. I know my haulers have been a little busy lately and some of the additions to your private quarters took longer than expected. Yes, we were a little late in installing the second solid gold weapon rack in your office, and the black bronze chest did take far too long to get there. Yes, when I had the lowly stone doors to your throne room replaced with sterling silver, it did mean you went a few days without a proper door. And I do realize it was very inconsiderate of me to make you use an alternate dining room with a lowly green glass dining table while I replaced your stone dining table with one made of billon. And I am very sorry if the rose gold cabinet in your quarters, or the artifact silver cabinet in your throne room have proven unsatisfactory to you. I am truly mortified if the legendary Urist McEngraver's works adorning your entire quarters and surrounding passageways do not meet with your approval. And I am sorry if the burial plot I provided, in a giant room with its own pond and statuary, and the artifact bone coffin, seem rather mediocre to you.
It is obviously for this reason that you have grown rather jealous of some of the lesser dwarves around you, some of whom have had the temerity to take a few minutes break from licking your boots and throwing themselves in front of you to be trod on as you walk by them in order to dine on something other than dried grass. And I realize it is upsetting to you that I have not made all the other dwarves sleep in mud in one large room that also doubles as a toilet, and have given them each individual 2x3 rooms with beds and stone doors in them, and this seems far too extravagant. And yes, I did have a few extra billon dining tables which I put in the common eating area, along with a few statues, which clearly upset you, as you have informed me. And also I understand your concern that I may have made the large common crypts for burial of commoners a little too elaborate, I had to give Urist McEngraver somewhere to practice before he adorned your quarters, and so I can understand how while inspecting these tombs, you may have been "utterly traumatized by a lesser's pretentious burial arrangements." It can be stressful, but please try to understand. While I cannot give all my dwarves the same elaborate lifestyle as yours, I do try to keep them reasonably comfortable, as I do not enjoy murderous rampages.
Speaking of murderous rampages, this is where you and I really must have a frank discussion. I understand that the stresses of leadership can sometimes get to you, and as a nobledwarf, you do have a great deal of power and flexibility in how you choose to relieve that stress. However, even your power must have limits. And while we have all felt the urge to grab a nearby axe and behead a passing plebian, most of us find other ways to express it. I fear however, that your recent evisceration of the legendary Urist McCook, and several other nearby dwarves has taken things a step too far. It is for this reason that with great sadness and a heavy heart that I must unfortunately announce that it is time for us to part company. When you see the militia and the fortress guard arrive to help you with your problems, please do not be afraid, they merely intend to escort you to the walls of our fortress and send you on your way, and certainly not to kill you before you can harm anyone else.
Your friend,
The Overseer
P.S. As an aside to Urist McMayor, I understand that you have a sexual fetish for battle axes, and while I love battle axes too, and yes they are quite awesome, you do not need to mandate my producing another one every five minutes. We have plenty already.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 10, 2014, 10:58:50 pm
The danger room is called the danger room for a reason. If you are dumb enough to bring your kid in there with you, then please don't cry to me when he gets stabbed.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 11, 2014, 01:02:11 am
I understand you are probably very sad and confused after the rest of your caravan was accidentally locked inside the trade depot while it was filled with water. And yes, it was quite fortunate that you were able to find an exit that I hadn't properly blocked off so that you could avoid drowning. Yes, it was a tragic loss, however that was several years ago, and I think it's time for you to go home. As much as I have enjoyed having you as my guests, I think it is best that you exit the moat surrounding the fortress through one of the clearly placed ramps as I am considering either using the moat as a pit for dangerous wild animals, or replacing the water with magma, just a fair warning.
Regards,
Someone who doesn't show up with a caravan full of crappy pieces of wood and then acts like I just wiped a booger off on his shirt when I give hime something in a wooden bin
Post by: Revlakius Javensky on May 11, 2014, 08:57:23 pm
I understand that you get hungry occasionally, so I have made a quite large stockpile of all the meats and fish one can hope for. Hopefully this ensures no one eats all the Plump Helmet Spawns and causes us to die of thirst. Again.
Your Lord and Master,
Revlakius Javensky
Post by: TV4Fun on May 12, 2014, 04:07:21 am
While I appreciate your desire to make sure you have all the proper equipment before going into combat, when there is a goblin siege going on, and I order everyone back inside the walls and the militia to the fortifications, that does not mean you should go wandering around outside looking for that one extra crossbow bolt that you can pull out of the corpse of one of your fellow dwarves before manning the wall. Also, if when doing this, you encounter the invading goblin army, while it is very brave of you to try to take them on single-handedly, perhaps it would be a better idea to retreat to where the rest of the militia is, rather than making a suicidal charge at them. Oh well, you will be missed.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 12, 2014, 04:27:08 am
I'm absolutely thrilled that you located some warm stone and were smart enough to not dig into it and avoid flooding the entire fortress with magma. However, I'm kind of in the middle of defending the fortress from a siege. You can stop interrupting me every 2 seconds to tell me about it.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 12, 2014, 04:51:49 am
I know it was only 3 or 4 months ago that I told you link that bridge sealing the entrance to our fortress to the lever to raise it, and I know that you had some very important drinking and sleeping to do before you could do that. And truly, it is a testament to the strength of our military training that in spite of having a wide open entrance, we were able to fend off the last goblin siege while only losing 7 or 8 of our most elite fighters. And the forgotten beast that was considerate enough to attack at the same time was only able to kill 15 or 20 workers because my militia were too busy fighting off goblins to go kill it. I'm also quite sure that the resulting tantrum spiral will most likely not cause too much permanent damage to my fortress. Hopefully we shouldn't have more 10 or 15 dwarves go berserk in the near future. So I would like to thank you for the significant boost you have given to my framerate from the reduction in our population, and I hope you are still very comfortable. Is there anything I can get for you? A pillow? Some river spirits? A magma pool to decorate your quarters perhaps? By all means, I am at your service.
Regards,
The overseer who in no way wants to painfully kill you to make an example for the next mechanic
Post by: Victor6 on May 12, 2014, 05:30:12 am
That hauled item you lugged all the way to your deployment zone is not a note from your mother excusing you from battle and allowing you to run off back to the stockpile like a cowardly human.
The Overseer.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on May 13, 2014, 01:49:52 pm
Prepare your parentheses, cause I'm about to fuck with Urdirnar's species file big-time. For !!SCIENCE!!
Signed,
Lolfail0009,
Post by: JerDGold on May 13, 2014, 02:59:06 pm
I know things are bad right. I know there's Miasma in your dining rooms. I know your best friends are dead. I know your other best friends are the ones that did it. I know everyone around you is acting a little nutty and you can't sleep or work with it happening. I know all of these things. But there is plenty to eat, and plenty to drink. So please, eat a cat meat biscuit, drink some dwarven rum, let the Militia Captain do his job, shut up for five seconds and do some work. If you trust me, everything will be ok and you can have your pick of your dead friends' stuff.
-Caring Overseer
Post by: Airgeoff on May 13, 2014, 03:58:12 pm
Please, if you're digging into an aquifer level and you dunk yourself in the water, it would be appreciated if you just stepped up the ramp positioned right beside or under you, and didn't decide to swim across the entire lake you're creating to get out of the water, thereby drowning yourself in the attempt.
-Benign Overseer
Post by: Revlakius Javensky on May 13, 2014, 06:06:10 pm
Terra, please refrain from going outside. I know you have a responsibility as a woodcutter, but when Badger Boars are outside, run inside instead of running down the hill and almost getting lost again. Next time those Badgers may not be so merciful...
Torva, do not attack the angry Badger Boars. There are at least twenty of them, and you have no armor. Or weapons.
~Revlakius Javensky
Post by: BumbleMead on May 13, 2014, 07:38:48 pm
I am sorry about the cave troll attack, and the resulting grievous injuries you suffered. Although you're missing a good chunk of skull and probably won't ever pick up anything again, you have to admit that your situation could be worse. You are attended, nearly constantly, by the large population of good doctors that migrated to this fort and are the only injured dwarf who survived the initial attack. I understand that lying in traction all day is less than thrilling, and that your husband has recently gone melancholic, and you are therefore miserable. I can't help but wonder, however, if this is because you announce the death of your baby every year on the anniversary of her death. It's been three years since she died. The corpse birthdays, followed immediately by an announcement of the baby having suffocated, are very creepy. Also, they keep making me look for a nonexistent attack. Kindly knock it off, and I'll have the engravers finish the walls, only you're providing excellent medical training in the event of another attack and I'd hate to have to off you now.
-Bumblemead
Post by: TheBeardyMan on May 14, 2014, 01:43:49 am
What weapon did I tell you to use when I drafted you and told you to kill that monkey?
What weapon did you have in your hand until you decided to drop it and take it back to the weapon stockpile?
Hint: they both start with "A".
Regards,
Frustrated Overseer.
Post by: blazing glory on May 14, 2014, 02:44:45 am
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
What weapon did I tell you to use when I drafted you and told you to kill that monkey?
What weapon did you have in your hand until you decided to drop it and take it back to the weapon stockpile?
Hint: they both start with "A".
Regards,
Frustrated Overseer.
But overseer! The axe has been dulled from hitting trees all month and would surely be bad for use in combat! So I'm taking the liberty to to return this axe for the next woodcutter! If you were to assign me a different axe then I would use it right away!
((It's a bug that make's woodcutters who have been drafted to never use the weapon their holding,think it applies to miners as well.))
Post by: Eric Blank on May 14, 2014, 04:45:53 pm
Post by: Mr.Mountain on May 14, 2014, 11:21:24 pm
We have 200+ prepared meals. Stop eating the plump helmets.
thank
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 10:44:51 am
To help ensure that you know where you need to be, I have created a burrow encompassing our trade depot and assigned you to remain there for the duration of the dwarven caravan's stay. This was done in the hopes that standing next to a foreign caravan, with a bunch of trade goods from us, and from them surrounding you, and an order from me to go to the depot to trade, you might get the idea that it could be a good idea to do some trading. However, while you have done reasonably well at staying in your assigned burrow, and indeed are standing right in the center of the trade depot. The actual trading part still seems to be eluding you. Instead, you are repeatedly complaining about your inability to access items from stockpiles outside your burrow. There is a reason these things are outside your burrow: moving them is not your job. When you figure out what your job is, base on any of the many subtle clues I left you, please let me know.
Regards,
Overseer
Post by: WoobMonkey on May 15, 2014, 10:50:22 am
If you don't want me trying to haul things, why haven't you taken hauling off of my 'to do' list?
-Urist McBroker.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 11:53:16 am
I have taken hauling off your to-do list. So why you insist on continuing to try to haul goods to the depot is a little baffling to me.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 11:59:22 am
I recognize that with my normal broker being otherwise engaged, and his replacement being rather inept at commercial matters, you may wish to seek additional compensation for your trading efforts, and I do understand. However, when I offer you 130,000☼ worth of goods for 75,00☼ worth of merchandise, and you accuse me of playing childish games and refuse to trade with me, I do take a small amount of offense. On a completely unrelated topic, a malfunction in our irrigation system appears to have sealed you inside the depot and opened the floodgate that you may have noticed in the corner, causing the depot to slowly fill with water. I regret that there does not appear to be anything I can do to fix this, however I assure you that once you have finished drowning and we have found a way to drain the depot, we will make the best possible use of your merchandise.
Regards,
The overseer of the civilization capital addressing a citizen of some piss-ant outland
Post by: Kamin on May 15, 2014, 12:01:11 pm
Dear Urist McCaravanTrader,Hahaha, ptw based on this post alone.
I recognize that with my normal broker being otherwise engaged, and his replacement being rather inept at commercial matters, you may wish to seek additional compensation for your trading efforts, and I do understand. However, when I offer you 130,000☼ worth of goods for 75,00☼ worth of merchandise, and you accuse me of playing childish games and refuse to trade with me, I do take a small amount of offense. On a completely unrelated topic, a malfunction in our irrigation system appears to have sealed you inside the depot and opened the floodgate that you may have noticed in the corner, causing the depot to slowly fill with water. I regret that there does not appear to be anything I can do to fix this, however I assure you that once you have finished drowning and we have found a way to drain the depot, we will make the best possible use of your merchandise.
Regards,
The overseer of the civilization capital addressing a citizen of some piss-ant outland
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 02:20:10 pm
I apologize for any inconvenience caused by the flooding of our trade depot and the near drowning of you and your men. As you may have noted, it is now winter and the water source for the trade depot has frozen over. This will unfortunately introduce a small delay in our ability to re-open the trade depot. I am very sorry for this additional delay, but we will do our best to finish your drowning as quickly as possible.
R/OS
P.S. It appears a few from your caravan have somehow managed to get through the fortification blocking off the entrance to the water supply and gained access to the upper level. I am not sure how this has happened, but I suspect they have exploited a bug in the game mechanics, which seems very unsportsdwarflike to me. I will leave it up to you to reprimand them for this.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 03:41:34 pm
You have no idea how relieved I am that you and most of your caravan were able to escape drowning in the flooding of our depot by slipping through a narrow opening around the fortification over the irrigation system. It truly defies belief that you appeared to suffer only a single death, and even more astonishing is that his corpse is now blocking the closing of the floodgate into the trade depot. But that is okay, for you I am willing to dismantle a good portion of my pumping system in order to ensure that you may safely exit the trade depot. In future though, I would appreciate if when dying, your men tried to do it in a place where it was less likely to cause obstruction to the operation of our machinery, I'm sure you understand. I am also very sorry that many of your wagons do not seem to have survived the flood, meaning you will not be able to carry back your merchandise with you. Do not be concerned though, as I will be more than happy to provide storage space for it. You may also rest assured that as soon as the depot is drained, my masons will set to work at once to correct the engineering deficiency that allowed
Best Regards,
Overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 04:13:17 pm
The nine beehives outside of this fortress are all right next to each other in a very conspicuous, very easily accessible location. Quit trying to get out of having to do any work by saying "could not find path" or "job item lost or destroyed." You're not fooling anyone and you're clogging the message feed.
R/OS
Post by: Urist McShire on May 15, 2014, 06:51:06 pm
I've turned off all of your labours. There is nothing that needs to be dumped. You don't have to go and haul any of those *Gold Scepters* from the Metalsmith's Workshop to their appropriate bins because other dwarves are already doing that. There are no enemies around to scare you away from a job. There is an injured recruit in the hospital with eight red lines of injury text who is somehow still alive after being shot at by ten Goblin Bowmen who caught her alone during the last siege. She needs a diagnosis.
STOP D*CKING AROUND AT THE WELL THINKING THAT YOU'VE GOT NO JOB TO DO! GET IN THAT HOSPITAL, DIAGNOSE, AND TREAT HER ALREADY!
Sincerely,
Annoyed with how low on your priorities treating your fallen comrades is
Post by: Larix on May 15, 2014, 08:01:45 pm
Dear Urist McBeekeeper,
The nine beehives outside of this fortress are all right next to each other in a very conspicuous, very easily accessible location. Quit trying to get out of having to do any work by saying "could not find path" or "job item lost or destroyed." You're not fooling anyone and you're clogging the message feed.
R/OS
Ah, sorry chief, the message system's got a problem. You see, i _want_ to say "I want to harvest the honey from a hive, but there are no empty jugs available." but there's no proper report form for it. And if you check the stocks, you might see a lot of ordinary "rock jug"s with no further labels - but they're all full of honey/jelly, it just doesn't get displayed properly. Order more jugs made and i'll stop pestering you.
Sincerely, Urist McBeekeeper.
(P.S. and "could not find path" suggests you fucked up your beekeepers in some other way too, e.g. by stuffing them into a burrow when an out-of-burrow colony was tasked for hive stocking - colonies tasked for a hive can only be un-tasked by toggling the _hive's_ settings. When trying to sort out beekeeping blockages, messing with the beekeepers is almost always the one thing that _doesn't_ help.)
@ healthcare troubles - is the recruit actually showing the "Rest" job? Wounded military dwarfs often fail to properly go into rest mode when injured; i've no good recipe to fix such blockages, but activating/deactivating the dwarf's miltary status or saving/restoring the game sometimes helps. Do you have a hospital and chief medical dwarf? If you lack medical infrastructure, healthcare tends to stall without notice. That said, yes, healthcare jobs are generated annoyingly slowly and sometimes, treatment can hiccup and get stuck, so that a spate of necessary jobs are listed but just don't get generated.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 08:04:07 pm
There are many, many empty jugs, as that is what I thought as well. My beekeeper is not part of a burrow, and in fact he was standing right next to the beehive when he was giving these messages, so I am really confused about it.Dear Urist McBeekeeper,
The nine beehives outside of this fortress are all right next to each other in a very conspicuous, very easily accessible location. Quit trying to get out of having to do any work by saying "could not find path" or "job item lost or destroyed." You're not fooling anyone and you're clogging the message feed.
R/OS
Ah, sorry chief, the message system's got a problem. You see, i _want_ to say "I want to harvest the honey from a hive, but there are no empty jugs available." but there's no proper report form for it. And if you check the stocks, you might see a lot of ordinary "rock jug"s with no further labels - but they're all full of honey/jelly, it just doesn't get displayed properly. Order more jugs made and i'll stop pestering you.
Sincerely, Urist McBeekeeper.
(P.S. and "could not find path" suggests you fucked up your beekeepers in some other way too, e.g. by stuffing them into a burrow when an out-of-burrow colony was tasked for hive stocking - colonies tasked for a hive can only be un-tasked by toggling the _hive's_ settings. When trying to sort out beekeeping blockages, messing with the beekeepers is almost always the one thing that _doesn't_ help.)
Post by: Larix on May 15, 2014, 08:12:11 pm
Post by: WoobMonkey on May 15, 2014, 08:19:24 pm
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 08:27:08 pm
I would like to take a moment to address some of the tensions that I have observed recently between the dwarves in our fortress. I recognize that many of you come from many different backgrounds, many different civilizations, and you have kinsmen in many places, and in retrospect, I now realize that it may have been an act of somewhat poor judgement to order the militia to slaughter the members of the dwarven caravan that recently passed through our fortress. It is obvious now that many of you most likely had friends and kinsmen among the guards and traders in that caravan, and seeing your fellow militia members striking them down has doubtless created some confusion and some tensions. I do understand the animosity you must now feel to some of your fortressmates, but let us do our best to keep our perspective. Loyalty to fortress must trump loyalty to clan or civilization; none of us would survive long if we could not trust our brethren who chose to live with us within these walls. In that vein, I must say that these killings need to stop. It is simply not acceptable in a well-run fortress for its citizens to randomly murder each other like this. It reduces productivity and morale for everyone, and is ultimately to the detriment of what we hope to accomplish here. It creates an unhealthy and hostile work environment, where dwarves cannot feel comfortable doing even their most basic jobs. Only today I have heard at least 5 cases of dwarves having to cancel important jobs because they were afraid to go near a dwarf from a rival clan who happened near the jobsite. Think of what this will do to our bottom line in the long term if this continues. Whatever else this fortress may be, it is first and foremost a business, and tribal disputes like these are not good for business. In an effort to boost morale and improve general camaraderie I am instituting casual day on every alternate Wednesday. Dwarves may wear silk vests and caps with images on them if they so desire, provided these images are not offensive to anyone else in the fortress. Note that dwarves in the militia are still required to wear their armor at all times, but they may wear casual clothes over top of them. I am also going to encourage more social gatherings among the dwarves. I am freeing the mayor from other tasks so that he will have more free time to organize parties and other social functions. If these measures fail, I will be forced to lock you all into a room until you can find a way to settle our differences. Our grand meeting hall has more than enough space for all the dwarves in this fortress to stand with several inches of free space between them, and is tastefully decorated with weapon and armor racks and has convenient access to the food and drink stores and the armory, so I think it would be ideal for this purpose. Please do not make me resort to such drastic measures though. I am confident that you are all mature, sane, and sober enough that you can resolve this amicably and we can return to the proper business of running this fortress.
I remain your faithful and benevolent Overlord,
The Overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 08:29:34 pm
Do you have more than one beekeeper, and more than one hive? There's a well-documented bug that causes multiple beekeepers to attempt to harvest the same wild hive. When the first one does it, it destroys the hive, but not the second job - so your second beekeeper is eternally stuck with 'no path' cancellations.I have only a single beekeeper with multiple hives, however it is possible I have had tools stored into bins and that has caused the problem. So if my fortress survives its current civil war, then I will try that.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 15, 2014, 08:42:18 pm
I understand that you are upset and that is only natural. However, please keep in mind that you are a reserve marksdwarf who is only barely competent at that, and the dwarf you are picking a fight with is an elite Axe Lord. This a not a fight you will win.
Concernedly,
The Overseer
Post by: BenLubar on May 15, 2014, 11:05:28 pm
Dear AllTheUrists,
We have 200+ prepared meals. Stop eating the plump helmets.
thank
Dear Mr.Home,
I'm not hungry enough to eat a full meal. I just wanted to eat this mushroom as a snack!
your dwarf,
Urist
Post by: MrsStick on May 16, 2014, 04:01:57 am
Do you have more than one beekeeper, and more than one hive? There's a well-documented bug that causes multiple beekeepers to attempt to harvest the same wild hive. When the first one does it, it destroys the hive, but not the second job - so your second beekeeper is eternally stuck with 'no path' cancellations.I have only a single beekeeper with multiple hives, however it is possible I have had tools stored into bins and that has caused the problem. So if my fortress survives its current civil war, then I will try that.
How do you prevent the storing of tools in bins? I haven't seen that anywhere...
Post by: WoobMonkey on May 16, 2014, 04:10:40 am
The stockpile you're storing in has disallowed bins (<q>uery the pile, and set # of bins to 0 with <C>);
Other finished goods/furniture piles have disallowed the tool type you're trying to store (<q>uery ----> <s >ettings).
If your tools are already in bins, simply link the pile they're in to a new one that doesn't allow bins, and only allows the tool type(s) you want stored.
Hope that helps.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 16, 2014, 06:20:48 am
To all the dwarves who decided to fight each other based on some arbitrary group distinction: Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. Your constant squabbling has created so much strife, it has opened up a hole in spacetime and crashed the game. So now you all no longer exist. I hope you're happy. See what happens when you don't listen to me?
And no, I am not going to let you have a spot in dwarf heaven either,
The Overseer
Post by: pisskop on May 16, 2014, 07:09:20 am
Due to your inexcusable sampling of my population I have no choice but to call out the militia for a
Euology, anonymous
Followup Re: Gang Waryou know how to fix. a loyalty cascade, right?
To all the dwarves who decided to fight each other based on some arbitrary group distinction: Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. Your constant squabbling has created so much strife, it has opened up a hole in spacetime and crashed the game. So now you all no longer exist. I hope you're happy. See what happens when you don't listen to me?
And no, I am not going to let you have a spot in dwarf heaven either,
The Overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on May 16, 2014, 07:33:50 am
Yes, I had created separate burrows for three different separatist factions and was in the process of assigning them to militias to repel a goblin ambush when the game crashed.Followup Re: Gang Waryou know how to fix. a loyalty cascade, right?
To all the dwarves who decided to fight each other based on some arbitrary group distinction: Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. Your constant squabbling has created so much strife, it has opened up a hole in spacetime and crashed the game. So now you all no longer exist. I hope you're happy. See what happens when you don't listen to me?
And no, I am not going to let you have a spot in dwarf heaven either,
The Overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on May 16, 2014, 12:14:54 pm
I am very sorry that you were frightened by that big scary owl while contemplating doing some construction on my road. I can understand it was very traumatizing for you, but this is not sufficient reason to permanently suspend construction and go back to drinking and admiring the doors.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 16, 2014, 03:42:18 pm
Please explain to me what technology you have that allows you to detect a single particle of wood in a giant pile of metal and stone merchandise. Do you wear some magical ring that glows blue when it is brought near tree products? Do you travel with trained wood-sniffing honey badgers? I like to consider myself a generous trader. Really, I care more about building our reputation by exporting high-quality goods than any of your paltry offerings. That is why, not only making an offering of goods worth 7,700☼ for your king as a show of good faith, I also offered nearly twice the value of the 7,500☼ worth of goods that comprised everything you brought that was actually worth buying in masterwork gold and silver crafts, prepared foods, and a bunch of worn out clothes that my dwarves had left strewn around the fortress. And being of your extreme sensitivity to wood, and your extreme moral opposition to destroying trees to create wares for sale, I was very careful to check everything I offered to you multiple times to ensure that there was not a single wooden item among them. This is of course why most of your merchandise consisted of things made from wood that I would not have thought possible to make from wood. It is only in your expert hands that I can find wooden harps or wooden cages, or wooden boots, or, somehow, wooden shirts. Yes, clearly you truly hate making things from wood. Well I can only assume that one of the clothing items I offered must have caught a splinter at some point, as you still found cause to take offense in what I offered. I am truly mortified at the traumatic experience I must have given you by forcing you to look at a piece of a dead tree that was not killed by one of your people, and I will certainly understand your desire to leave in a huff after all this. However, while I understand your offense, I cannot allow you to leave with your merchandise. Unfortunately, our irrigation system is still under repair from its previous malfunction, so it will be unable to malfunction for you, but I have provided an alternative in the form of our militia. It will be a traumatic experience for them to slaughter some sanctimonious elves, but I am sure they will recover from the blow in due course. I would ask you to send my regards back to your king, but well, you'll be dead.
Best regards,
A dwarven overseer
P.S. How the hell do you make mail out of wood, anyway?
Post by: TV4Fun on May 16, 2014, 03:57:24 pm
Dear Nemo O'ElfMerchant,
While I realize I promised to brutally slaughter your caravan last time, and I know this will come as a great disappointment to you, I have decided on reflection to discontinue the wholesale slaughter of you and your fellow elves. Please do not misunderstand, I still believe that you and your kind are all stuck up and hypocritical bastards who have as much business coming inside a real fortress as a dwarf does working at a beach resort. However, after further consideration, I have come to the determination that there is absolutely nothing you are carrying that is actually worth stealing, and your wares would only serve to uselessly clutter my stockpiles. Really, it was only out of pity that I was offering to buy any of your ridiculously worthless merchandise at all. Therefore, instead of completely slaughtering you, I will kill only a few members of your party, and ask the rest of you to quickly leave and take all of your junk with you before it begins to contaminate my fortress with smug. I'm sure you have many things you would like to get back to at home, like hugging some trees, or coming up with new ways to act superior, so I will not delay and let you get back there quickly.
Some kind of regards that are definitely not best,
Every dwarf everywhere
Post by: sal880612m on May 16, 2014, 04:15:26 pm
P.S. How the hell do you make mail out of wood, anyway?I thought elves sung to trees and wood items sort of fell out of, or off of the trees.
Post by: Larix on May 16, 2014, 04:36:27 pm
If i really want the elven trade goods i specified in trade, i simply stay in the trade interaction screen and "s"eize the desired stuff. The merchants will just complain again and you get everything you wanted for free. In theory, the relations with their civilisation will suffer, but messing with caravans has so little impact that there's no realistic chance of triggering hostilities this way.
I've occasionally killed caravans when i was seriously ticked off, but that causes so much garbage hauling and disposal that i find it a net loss to my fort.
Post by: pisskop on May 16, 2014, 04:39:52 pm
When you mess with them, essentially they influence the wildlife of your region in some way. Even just convincing them to not appear or more savage versions to move in. they could be like the Aquaman of the civs!
Post by: Urist McShire on May 16, 2014, 04:52:32 pm
@ healthcare troubles - is the recruit actually showing the "Rest" job? Wounded military dwarfs often fail to properly go into rest mode when injured; i've no good recipe to fix such blockages, but activating/deactivating the dwarf's miltary status or saving/restoring the game sometimes helps. Do you have a hospital and chief medical dwarf? If you lack medical infrastructure, healthcare tends to stall without notice. That said, yes, healthcare jobs are generated annoyingly slowly and sometimes, treatment can hiccup and get stuck, so that a spate of necessary jobs are listed but just don't get generated.
The recruit in question was showing the "Rest" job, and I did have a Chief Medical Dwarf as well as several accomplished doctors on staff who had no other labours active besides their healthcare ones. The recruit languished in her bed in the hospital for nearly a month before a diagnosis was done, and then several more weeks before they started treating her. Eventually after six-eight months she succumbed to her wounds due to infection from them not getting around to diagnosing her and cleaning her wounds with the ample amount of soap I had, but the fact that she survived for so long with such extensive injuries just went to show me that she was a true dwarf even if she never attained a kill. After they hauled her body away for burial there were still five iron arrows on the bed along with all of her equipment, and she was a melee dwarf.
Post by: TheFlame52 on May 16, 2014, 06:42:43 pm
As you are well aware, you were imprisoned about a year ago because someone caught you drinking blood. Due to this, you survived the FB-related cataclysm that claimed the rest of the fortress. You are due for release, and I have taken the liberty of making the last remaining sane imp in the fortress captain of the guard just to free you. He is miserable, and will likely go insane soon, so feel free to kill him. However, do not become unhappy yourself, as I need you to bury the dead. You also might want to watch out for that ghostly implet. Good luck!
Post by: TV4Fun on May 16, 2014, 07:20:54 pm
We all know how amusing it is to watch nobles suffer, and when the queen moved into the fortress and turned out to be a vampire, well it was as if Armok had sent us a reward for the many lives we had sent His way. Of course, we did lose the lives of a few dwarves, but I think you will agree it was worth it to indict the queen of the realm on four counts of murder and sentence her to 400 days of confinement and 100 hammer strikes. Well, her confinement is finally at an end, and she has received her hammer strikes, and I know you were all watching as intently as I was to hear the report of every single major injury she suffered.
As you know, we are not soft on crime in this fortress, and we take any infraction very seriously. That is why our hammerer carries a masterwork steel warhammer for just these sorts of events. Now I was quite certain that there was no dwarf alive who could survive 100 strikes from such a heavy instrument, but I was proved wrong. While it does not appear that there are any bones remaining in the queen's body that are not broken, so that she is now in a state which I believe the medical community refers to as a "blob," she is still technically alive, even if she is totally unable to move in any significant way.
Now I know you have all quite enjoyed seeing this, which is why you have frequently gone into the jail to take food from her barrel in sit in her chair eating it while pointing at her and laughing, and for obvious reasons it has not occurred to any of you that it may be a good idea to take her to the hospital, despite every single one of you having the recover wounded labor enabled and many of you having no other jobs. Indeed, quite a few of you seem content to sit totally idle while standing right next to the queen and do nothing to help her. I can certainly understand why you would want to act that way, however, I have a greater vision.
You may notice the glass doors and windows I have had installed on the outside of her royal quarters. These do serve a purpose which I will illustrate. Let us turn her over to the ministrations of our inept, and largely self-taught medical staff. There she may be covered head to toe in plaster, placed in traction for months, have one or two extremities surgically removed, be victim of all manner of infections, and when she is finally released, be something that less resembles a dwarf than a monstrous freak of nature wishing for death every moment but unable to die due to her unholy nature.
Then, I shall confine her to her royal suite, where she shall remain, in relative comfort, for the remainder of her natural life, to be gawked at and mocked by all dwarves who pass by. I have also dug a pit in the ceiling of these quarters, so that we may toss in the occasional wild animal or captured goblin, and observe with great enjoyment as the two battle each other. I hope you can see that as amusing as the current situation is, this new plan would offer a whole new level to the entertainment we could draw from this most noble of all nobles.
However, none of this can happen if she does not make it to the hospital. So perhaps, one of you, if it isn't too much trouble, can do your fucking job and drag her up there so that the healing process can begin.
R/OS
Post by: sal880612m on May 16, 2014, 08:12:19 pm
You want to live and I do understand that but after sending a significant chunk of unarmed to battle a Water Buffalo Cow and neglecting you for a year do you not understand that I want you dead.
Dear Urist McDeadins,
I neglected you and you died, however it has been a year since the first of you died in my quest to leave this fort and you have done nothing but rot. You have not caused anyone to go postal from grief nor have you made anyone go insane. The one person who did become a ghost is the only who did not die in an attempt to destabilize this fortress.
:( Hopefully my new friends the goblin invanders will kill you do I can move on without abandoning yet another fortress.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 17, 2014, 09:09:56 am
Do you see all those chests lining the wall of the hospital? They are full of medical supplies like soap and thread and cloth and such that you can use on your patients. That is why they are there. You do not need to walk all the way over to the stockpile to get soap to clean the wound of a patient who is rapidly succumbing to infection.
R/OS
Post by: pisskop on May 17, 2014, 09:14:49 am
I sometimes hate having vampires spoiled. Takes the Fun out of it a bit, ya? Now, what to do with him? Hes only 50 years old!
Post by: TV4Fun on May 17, 2014, 10:52:40 am
You are an elite, legendary swordfighter wearing steel armor and carrying a steel sword. You are not allowed to cancel picking up provisions because you were scared by an owl.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 17, 2014, 11:50:12 am
To all my civilian crossbow units, I greatly appreciate your devotion to duty in getting on top of the walls quickly and with most of the equipment you need. You always carry the quivers, the crossbows, the armor, the booze you need for a proper defense. However, I would like to make one observation: crossbows work best when accompanied by bolts. You are very good at bringing crossbows to the fortifications, however, bringing bolts seems to be a little trickier. We have huge stockpiles of bolts of every material imaginable, so I know you are not simply having trouble finding them. In future, when getting ready to go defend the fortress, please take an extra moment to stop and pick up some ammunition before doing so.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 17, 2014, 12:39:53 pm
I am truly at a loss. What do have to do to get you to actually do some trading? Simply requesting you come to the depot is obviously not enough, you will find any excuse to get out of trading by performing some other labor. To help you avoid distraction, I have disabled every single labor for you, so now trading is officially your only job. Never mind the many other things you could be doing around the fortress, never mind the massive amount of hauling we need done that I need absolutely every hand I can get for, I have set it so when caravans are not here, you can simply sit in your palace-like quarters with a mug of dwarven ale and put your feet up.
This, incidentally, is precisely what you were doing when the last human caravan arrived. And though you did indeed spend a good portion of the last month drinking and eating and taking long breaks, you did eventually finish that and decide to do some work. However, trading was not the work you decided to do. Now you did go to the depot, and left, and came back many times. Because obviously, despite everyone else in the fortress helping to bring goods to the depot, and you being the only one who can actually do anything with all of them, you thought you would be best employed hauling goods to the depot, despite having no hauling labors enabled, rather than trading them.
This struck me as particularly odd, considering that I have also created a burrow around the depot and ordered you to remain confined inside this burrow, an order which you seem to be totally ignoring. Now I have had to take this a step further. You may have noticed that when you entered the depot to drop off goods, that the gates to the depot shut behind you. Does the fact that you are now physically confined to the trade depot give you any ideas as to what you should be doing there? Apparently not, as now you are banging up against the gates and complaining about being unable to find a path to bring even more goods to the depot. I am dumbfounded. It seems you have not only chosen to devote your existence to not only disobeying me, but also being exceptionally annoying while you are doing so.
So tell me, what would you like me to do? What would you do if you were me? You know how much I detest insubordination, and you have flagrantly violated even the most basic orders I have given you. You know perfectly well what is behind that floodgate in the corner, you helped to install it. You are not the only trader in this fortress and there are many others who would absolutely love to have your—and I use this term very loosely—job. All I have to do is order one lever to be pulled and I will not even need to do any trading. With the queen currently in the hospital with about 300 broken bones, what makes you think that you are above the law? Think about this very carefully. Please, for your own sake, do your fucking job.
Regards,
An overseer who is growing increasingly frustrated with the amount of useless trinkets we have sitting around unsold
P.S. To Joe TheHumanMerchant: I apologize if I have alarmed you by sealing the trade depot. I have no intention of causing any unfortunate accidents, yet. I am simply trying to get my broker to do his job in any way I can, and I must beg your forgiveness for this extreme lack of professionalism from my staff that you have been forced to witness. I can assure you that you will, in all likelihood, be allowed to leave this fortress safely once our business dealings have been completed.
Post by: Larix on May 17, 2014, 01:09:37 pm
Forget the broker, you don't need them to trade.
Set the depot to "anyone may trade". As long as you have _a_ broker with appraisal skill, you'll get all prices displayed, and other skills are only of significance if you have very little to offer and want to acquire a lot of stuff; for the standard "just take those x*pig tail fibre socks* off our hands" trade, giving the merchants enough of a margin is easy.
If you have no broker with appraisal skill, "anyone may trade" is still an easy way to get a proper trade going: just pause the game once someone has made it to the depot, go into the nobles screen and assign _that_ dwarf to be the new broker. Just opening the trade window should give them enough experience for value display.
"Bring item to depot" is an all hands job, it ignores all labour settings and the "trade at depot" job usually waits until most/all items are there before it's even generated. By burrowing the broker at the depot, you just prevent them from doing anything - the trade job won't spawn if there are still too many marked items out there. Unselect the most irrelevant garbage you ordered brought to the depot, and _switch off that toxic "only broker may trade" option_, it's bad for you.
I've switched off the broker privilege at the depot when i worked out that this has massive downsides and no tangible benefits.
PS: of course it'd be nice if things got fixed eventually, so that the broker isn't yet another cloaked passive noble _and_ that nobles actually put a positive priority on their designated job; it really seems like they're programmed to actively avoid doing those jobs.
Post by: jcochran on May 17, 2014, 01:10:12 pm
I know you haven't given me any other jobs except trading. And I'm doing exactly what I need to do in order to trade. Can't you see that I'm carrying all those trinkets and other valuables from the stockpile to the trade depot? I only hope that I'm not so exhausted by that labor that I'll have to then head out for a good brew to wet my dry throat. I can't bargain with those crafty merchants after all with a dry throat. And of course, I may need to build by reserves by having a good meal. Do you have any idea how much those merchants take advantage of you when they hear your stomach growl? Perhaps then, that meal and drink might make me sleepy. Gotta take a power nap then or else those merchants will steal you blind. Yaaawwwwnnnn. Carrying all those trade goods is rather exhausting. Perhaps I should take a break.
You ever obedient and helpful broker,
Urist.
Post by: sal880612m on May 17, 2014, 01:39:23 pm
Dear Dwarf Therapist;
I sometimes hate having vampires spoiled. Takes the Fun out of it a bit, ya? Now, what to do with him? Hes only 50 years old!
Isn't that an option you can turn off?
Post by: TV4Fun on May 17, 2014, 01:44:32 pm
Hey Boss,Dear Urist,
I know you haven't given me any other jobs except trading. And I'm doing exactly what I need to do in order to trade. Can't you see that I'm carrying all those trinkets and other valuables from the stockpile to the trade depot? I only hope that I'm not so exhausted by that labor that I'll have to then head out for a good brew to wet my dry throat. I can't bargain with those crafty merchants after all with a dry throat. And of course, I may need to build by reserves by having a good meal. Do you have any idea how much those merchants take advantage of you when they hear your stomach growl? Perhaps then, that meal and drink might make me sleepy. Gotta take a power nap then or else those merchants will steal you blind. Yaaawwwwnnnn. Carrying all those trade goods is rather exhausting. Perhaps I should take a break.
You ever obedient and helpful broker,
Urist.
You are quite correct, I have been too hard on you. Perhaps the broker job is simply too stressful for you, and I should assign you a duty more fit to your talents. To that end, I am assigning you to a brand new militia squad and giving you the special task of hunting the forgotten beasts that are sleeping in the caverns beneath our fortress. Several forgotten beasts have come to our caverns and eluded even the most assiduous searches by our militia. Our workers down in the caverns live in constant fear that one day one of them will burst forth from the water and eat them alive, but I have great confidence that you, with your incredible heroism and clear ability to conserve your energy will be able to find them and kill them. Just imagine the glory that will come your way when you, a merchant with no combat experience whatsoever, without the benefit of so much as a weapon or a single piece of armor, go forth into the caves and singlehandedly kill all the great legendary beasts that reside there. Go forth great hero! Go forth and do great things! We shall honor your name and pray to Armok for your success! You indeed are the Wereweaselborn!
Please save us, O great hero, you are our only hope. With great respect,
The Overseer
Post by: Kreydurst on May 17, 2014, 08:41:52 pm
While I do love seeing what I get during the first two waves of migrations, having 9 out of 14 migrants in two waves being children does not please me. What angers me even more, is the fact that I've already set my child cap to 10, so what the hell is wrong with you. Next wave of primary children gets sent to the caverns.
Love, OS
Post by: blazing glory on May 17, 2014, 08:44:28 pm
Dear Urst McMigrant
While I do love seeing what I get during the first two waves of migrations, having 9 out of 14 migrants in two waves being children does not please me. What angers me even more, is the fact that I've already set my child cap to 10, so what the hell is wrong with you. Next wave of primary children gets sent to the caverns.
Love, OS
Dear OS
I believe you should start considering some child care (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.msg2532118#msg2532118) if you are getting too many children.
Yours truly,your chief adviser.
Post by: MrsStick on May 17, 2014, 11:50:19 pm
Classic advice for broker woes:
Forget the broker, you don't need them to trade.
Set the depot to "anyone may trade". As long as you have _a_ broker with appraisal skill, you'll get all prices displayed, and other skills are only of significance if you have very little to offer and want to acquire a lot of stuff; for the standard "just take those x*pig tail fibre socks* off our hands" trade, giving the merchants enough of a margin is easy.
If you have no broker with appraisal skill, "anyone may trade" is still an easy way to get a proper trade going: just pause the game once someone has made it to the depot, go into the nobles screen and assign _that_ dwarf to be the new broker. Just opening the trade window should give them enough experience for value display.
"Bring item to depot" is an all hands job, it ignores all labour settings and the "trade at depot" job usually waits until most/all items are there before it's even generated. By burrowing the broker at the depot, you just prevent them from doing anything - the trade job won't spawn if there are still too many marked items out there. Unselect the most irrelevant garbage you ordered brought to the depot, and _switch off that toxic "only broker may trade" option_, it's bad for you.
I've switched off the broker privilege at the depot when i worked out that this has massive downsides and no tangible benefits.
PS: of course it'd be nice if things got fixed eventually, so that the broker isn't yet another cloaked passive noble _and_ that nobles actually put a positive priority on their designated job; it really seems like they're programmed to actively avoid doing those jobs.
I have my depot set to anyone may trade too...and it hasn't been bad. I just wanted to add - I have a "depot" burrow, and even adding my useless broker to it doesn't actually make him go. He just sits around doing what the OP was complaining of. Which is why I have several dwarves with varying amounts of broker skills now. Hooray!
Post by: Kreydurst on May 18, 2014, 01:31:54 am
While I appreciate your demand for bones, and metal bars so you may complete your strange mood. I do however not like the fact, that you made one of the highest value items in the world. Meaning Spiked Balls.
But not only did you make a Iron spike ball, studded with horse bone. You highhandedly doubled the value of my fort. Next time, please make a proper weapon, that someone can bloody well hold onto.
Love, OS
Post by: MrsStick on May 18, 2014, 01:59:16 am
I appreciate you taking your new position in my militia to heart. I also am impressed that you immediately responded to my call to kill the chained goblin. However, you had NO TRAINING whatsoever. You were a brand new piece of cannon fodder, at least, until you finally got some training. I drafted you yesterday; why did you attack the goblin master lasher without even your trusty war dogs I assigned you?
While I am frustrated at your pep, I will ensure you are buried and have a slab engraved to ensure we don't forget the fact that you had the most motivation of any dwarf I currently oversee.
Rest in suffocated peace,
Overseer
Post by: Habbadax on May 18, 2014, 09:54:52 pm
For the first year, I did not mind that the walls were not complete
For the second, I was perhaps mildly annoyed, but soon turned my attention to other matters
For the third, I could fairly be called agitated, but more pressing concerns were at hand
And now, in this fourth year, with the Goblins on our doorstep yet again, with the militia in tatters from the horror from below, I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homes
Yours, regretfully, The Overseer of Fillpaged
Post by: reality.auditor on May 20, 2014, 02:49:46 pm
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
Post by: pisskop on May 20, 2014, 02:51:32 pm
Of course, turning off hauling always speeds things up tremendously.
Post by: Sovair11 on May 20, 2014, 02:58:54 pm
Please for the love of Armok when the alarm is rung, GET TO THE SAFEHOUSE I DESIGNATED AND NOT RUN OUTSIDE AND GET KILLED BY THE 5 SQUADS OF GOBLINS THAT WERE AMBUSHING US.
Being filled with arrows,
Your expedition leader.
Post by: MrsStick on May 20, 2014, 06:37:48 pm
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
No, that hasn't worked in my fortresses, at least. I've been working on the ceiling for my outdoor pasture/farms for...several game years now. Granted, it's 3 levels above the pasture, and I did make walls up that high first, but someday I'll be done with them and I can engrave fortifications to use it as a bunker during sieges. Rain death from above!
At this point, I'll add a 10x10 block of floors to the area, forget it for several game sessions, and then check it and add a new section if I need to. Is there a way to make dwarves use wheelbarrows when carrying stone to where they're going to build a floor? I'm careful to use the closest rocks/rock blocks, but it still takes FOREVER.
Post by: WoobMonkey on May 20, 2014, 07:00:10 pm
Is there a way to make dwarves use wheelbarrows when carrying stone to where they're going to build a floor? I'm careful to use the closest rocks/rock blocks, but it still takes FOREVER.
Sort of. You could set up a couple stone stockpiles directly beside, or very near to, where you plan to construct your flooring. If you aim for multiple small 'piles, as opposed to one large one, you can get many, many beards pushing wheelbarrows full of the rocks you need. Another potential upside to this is being able to specify exactly which types of stone you want to have nearby, if you're all design-y like that.
Post by: oldark on May 20, 2014, 08:48:37 pm
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
No, that hasn't worked in my fortresses, at least. I've been working on the ceiling for my outdoor pasture/farms for...several game years now. Granted, it's 3 levels above the pasture, and I did make walls up that high first, but someday I'll be done with them and I can engrave fortifications to use it as a bunker during sieges. Rain death from above!
At this point, I'll add a 10x10 block of floors to the area, forget it for several game sessions, and then check it and add a new section if I need to. Is there a way to make dwarves use wheelbarrows when carrying stone to where they're going to build a floor? I'm careful to use the closest rocks/rock blocks, but it still takes FOREVER.
Make sure all your constructions are blocks, no boulders. Dwarves will carry a block almost as quickly as a wheelbarrow.
Post by: MrsStick on May 21, 2014, 03:21:07 am
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
No, that hasn't worked in my fortresses, at least. I've been working on the ceiling for my outdoor pasture/farms for...several game years now. Granted, it's 3 levels above the pasture, and I did make walls up that high first, but someday I'll be done with them and I can engrave fortifications to use it as a bunker during sieges. Rain death from above!
At this point, I'll add a 10x10 block of floors to the area, forget it for several game sessions, and then check it and add a new section if I need to. Is there a way to make dwarves use wheelbarrows when carrying stone to where they're going to build a floor? I'm careful to use the closest rocks/rock blocks, but it still takes FOREVER.
Make sure all your constructions are blocks, no boulders. Dwarves will carry a block almost as quickly as a wheelbarrow.
Yeah, I figured that one out. The big problem is that my masons aren't exactly good at going to the workshops, which is somewhat understandable since I am making them build the ceiling. My game is currently at the point of "turn it on and wait, check every 5-15 minutes to make sure it's still running" until I finish some projects. I've played for over a year now, but I'm only now getting really into the forums and learning from you guys on the easier ways to do things...
Post by: WoobMonkey on May 21, 2014, 03:37:18 am
I appreciate your eagerness to bring the goods I requested to our humble fort. It never fails to amaze me, how you go out of your way to supply us with the logs, cloth, and coal we so deperately need.
However, may I offer the humble suggestion that next time you come, you allow the Human caravan the time to pack up and leave, before blocking off the entrance to our Depot? Though I know you'll blame us for it, I'd like to remind you that your scuttled wagons, and the goods they left for us, is your own damned fault.
Sincerely, Baron WoobMonkey of WoodWalls.
Post by: pisskop on May 21, 2014, 09:35:01 am
Go away. Your arrival comes at a pivotal point in the construction of the surface to cavern access staircase. Namely the part where I put on doors and install cage/weapon traps. You know how you let troglodytes out to play while my limited dwarfpower was shooting you? Now Cave spiders a re inching towards the staircase. And something killed the cave olm-men . . . So less flying around, more letting me complete the depot housing the staircase to the second layer.
Yours truely
Post by: Guvnah on May 22, 2014, 12:46:49 pm
Why must you actually want water ? Booze is so much superior. Also if you expect to stay here you better get a beard going quick or you're going back on the next elven caravan.
Post by: GuesssWho on May 27, 2014, 12:46:14 am
I know you're very excited that a twilight horror wife managed to tame bobcats that one time. But after 300 figurines of it and half my artifacts including pictures of it, I could really use a break. And no, pictures of the same twilight horror wife wandering around somewhere do NOT count as a break.
What kind of a name is Sive Lacechains anyway?
Post by: pisskop on May 27, 2014, 01:06:13 pm
No. No, you are not allowed to go melancholy after punching your wife to death. No, you are not allowed to set off a tantrum spiral because you killed the mayor and she was friends with everybody. No. Bad.
If you don't got back to training I'll have you
Post by: Tawa on May 27, 2014, 04:36:33 pm
What kind of a name is Sive Lacechains anyway?
The name of a poorly-manufactured condom brand.
Post by: GuesssWho on May 27, 2014, 04:52:03 pm
What kind of a name is Sive Lacechains anyway?
The name of a poorly-manufactured condom brand.
*Facepalms*
Well, I have two artifact figurines of her, and she's on all the others somewhere.
Post by: Solon64 on May 28, 2014, 01:09:23 am
Dear All Urist McCommoners,
We all know how amusing it is to watch nobles suffer, and when the queen moved into the fortress and turned out to be a vampire, well it was as if Armok had sent us a reward for the many lives we had sent His way. Of course, we did lose the lives of a few dwarves, but I think you will agree it was worth it to indict the queen of the realm on four counts of murder and sentence her to 400 days of confinement and 100 hammer strikes. Well, her confinement is finally at an end, and she has received her hammer strikes, and I know you were all watching as intently as I was to hear the report of every single major injury she suffered.
As you know, we are not soft on crime in this fortress, and we take any infraction very seriously. That is why our hammerer carries a masterwork steel warhammer for just these sorts of events. Now I was quite certain that there was no dwarf alive who could survive 100 strikes from such a heavy instrument, but I was proved wrong. While it does not appear that there are any bones remaining in the queen's body that are not broken, so that she is now in a state which I believe the medical community refers to as a "blob," she is still technically alive, even if she is totally unable to move in any significant way.
Now I know you have all quite enjoyed seeing this, which is why you have frequently gone into the jail to take food from her barrel in sit in her chair eating it while pointing at her and laughing, and for obvious reasons it has not occurred to any of you that it may be a good idea to take her to the hospital, despite every single one of you having the recover wounded labor enabled and many of you having no other jobs. Indeed, quite a few of you seem content to sit totally idle while standing right next to the queen and do nothing to help her. I can certainly understand why you would want to act that way, however, I have a greater vision.
You may notice the glass doors and windows I have had installed on the outside of her royal quarters. These do serve a purpose which I will illustrate. Let us turn her over to the ministrations of our inept, and largely self-taught medical staff. There she may be covered head to toe in plaster, placed in traction for months, have one or two extremities surgically removed, be victim of all manner of infections, and when she is finally released, be something that less resembles a dwarf than a monstrous freak of nature wishing for death every moment but unable to die due to her unholy nature.
Then, I shall confine her to her royal suite, where she shall remain, in relative comfort, for the remainder of her natural life, to be gawked at and mocked by all dwarves who pass by. I have also dug a pit in the ceiling of these quarters, so that we may toss in the occasional wild animal or captured goblin, and observe with great enjoyment as the two battle each other. I hope you can see that as amusing as the current situation is, this new plan would offer a whole new level to the entertainment we could draw from this most noble of all nobles.
However, none of this can happen if she does not make it to the hospital. So perhaps, one of you, if it isn't too much trouble, can do your fucking job and drag her up there so that the healing process can begin.
R/OS
It says so much about the level of insanity and depravity that Dwarf Fortress can bring to a player, that posts like this do not phase me in the slightest. Heck, this isn't even the worst I've seen from some DF players, and yet to any non DF player, this is like the most horrifying thing you could ever think about doing to anything, like, the word appalling doesn't even come close. And here I just shrug and read on.
+so many respect points, dear friend.
Post by: hops on May 28, 2014, 01:54:37 am
Post by: Foxite on May 28, 2014, 04:00:52 am
I will give you one more warning, it is not "fun" to wall in your grudges. They may be your grudges, but that is no excuse for your behavior. If you do not stop, we will take !!DISCIPLINARY ACTIONS!! to remedy this problem.
Signed, your overoverlord,
Me
Post by: TheFlame52 on May 28, 2014, 02:52:21 pm
I designated that GCS to guard the cage traps leading to the first caverns. This was because I left the gate open to let in a forgotten beast. You moved the GCS back to where it was before, letting the FB in unhindered. Furthermore, this beast's secretions cause full-body swelling and eventually necrosis. As you know, we have almost no military due to the goblins being extinct. Your blunder resulted in the deaths of 7 imps, as well as our only tame GCS. One of those was the best military imp in the fort. Your actions are made more severe by the fact that only 23 imps have died in the 11 years of this fort. I look forward to punishing you somehow.
Sincerely, Your Benevolent Overseer.
Post by: TV4Fun on May 31, 2014, 12:52:05 am
I understand the difficulties you have had collecting webs, and I do sympathize. Clearly, there is some web in some far off, unreachable corner, that you have totally fallen in love with, and simply cannot continue until you collect it. Yet, despite all your best efforts, you have been unable to get to it, and I understand how horrible that can be. However, you do realize, that you are right next to a gigantic cavern system with hundreds of different webs in it, many of which can be easily walked to and picked up, right? There are plenty of other turtles in the pond, as they say. I understand that this web has broken your heart, but it's time to move on. Please, for the sake of all of us, FIND ANOTHER WEB TO COLLECT!
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on May 31, 2014, 03:04:10 am
Please clean the corpses out of the hospital. It is very damaging for a patient's morale to be brought to the hospital and immediately greeted by the miasma of his fellow dwarves. Also, despite the best efforts of our surgeons, the vampire queen has (ironically) bleed to death. Perhaps if they had bothered to stitch her back up after performing surgery on her, this could have been avoided, but too late to look back on it now. However, since the hospital also contains the well, and contaminating the fortress water supply with vampire blood would not bode well for our fortress's future, please be careful when cleaning up near the well, and for the love of Armok, DO NOT RINSE YOUR WASHWATER INTO THE WELL.
R/OS
Post by: Foxite on May 31, 2014, 08:29:33 am
When the hunters come back from a long day of hunting and have a whole fucking pack of yak corpses in their hands, PUT THEM IN THE BARRELS AFTER BUTCHERING THEM!
Signed,
Me
(PS: This really happened. Half of my dining room and half my kitchen area was being gas-bombed with miasma by the intestines of 3 yaks. I can post pictures.)
Post by: Foxite on May 31, 2014, 08:49:55 am
For the last time, you are not the overseer. That is my job. Do not unpause the game while Im on the toilet.
Signed, your overseer whose bladder is about to explode,
Me
Post by: blazing glory on May 31, 2014, 02:28:50 pm
Dear Urist McMayor,
For the last time, you are not the overseer. That is my job. Do not unpause the game while Im on the toilet.
Signed, your overseer whose bladder is about to explode,
Me
I'm pretty sure it's impossible for the game to unpause itself...
Does the overseer have any brothers?
Post by: TV4Fun on May 31, 2014, 03:46:05 pm
I understand how very important our farming operations are, and I too feel the sense of dread we must all feel at the thought of any of our animals straying even slightly out of its pasture. However, we do have people to deal with that. You may notice them by having the farming and/or animal hauling labors enabled, while the only labors you have enabled are surgery and feeding patients. In other words, caring to our wounded is your one and only job. Speaking of which, you may have noticed that our hospital is currently jammed full of wounded who are dying of infection and bleeding to death faster than we can haul their corpses out of their, causing a rapid spread of miasma, which I doubt is helping the infection problem very much. I know how much you love moving animals back into their pastures, but I am afraid you have other priorities right now. Please get inside and help our wounded while we still have a fortress left to defend. Thank you
R/OS
Post by: the1337doofus on May 31, 2014, 07:35:23 pm
You.
Idiots.
Starved.
To death.
On a wall.
This wall, which was exactly one Z level high.
You had WINGS.
For this GRAND ACHIEVEMENT IN STUPIDITY, you have been posthumously awarded 3 medals:
The medal of immoderate moronocity.
The medal of grand stupidity.
And finally, the highest (dis)honour of them all,
The MEDAL OF ULTIMATE IDIOCY.
-Your furious, houseless overseer.
Post by: Foxite on June 01, 2014, 03:59:26 am
No brothers, but a sister. I like to blame the nobles when my sister unpauses the game :PDear Urist McMayor,I'm pretty sure it's impossible for the game to unpause itself...
For the last time, you are not the overseer. That is my job. Do not unpause the game while Im on the toilet.
Signed, your overseer whose bladder is about to explode,
Me
Does the overseer have any brothers?
Post by: Tawa on June 01, 2014, 09:22:42 am
A note to the Pegasus building crew of SweetenedAngel;You forgot the Darwin Award.
You.
Idiots.
Starved.
To death.
On a wall.
This wall, which was exactly one Z level high.
You had WINGS.
For this GRAND ACHIEVEMENT IN STUPIDITY, you have been posthumously awarded 3 medals:
The medal of immoderate moronocity.
The medal of grand stupidity.
And finally, the highest (dis)honour of them all,
The MEDAL OF ULTIMATE IDIOCY.
-Your furious, houseless overseer.
They should've earned like twenty of those.
Post by: TV4Fun on June 01, 2014, 03:58:51 pm
Thank you for killing my fortress. My broker was indisposed, and you just couldn't accept a ridiculously fair offer from anyone else, so you accused me of playing childish games and I decided it was a good time to drown you in the depot. But you just couldn't accept that, could you? You couldn't just drown like good merchants, no, you had to find a way out and spend the next 4 years hanging out in my moat because apparently the very obvious door to the outside wasn't a clear indication that you were not wanted. Even when I managed to fill the moat up to level 7, you still found a way to not drown. I don't know what black magic you have worked that allows you to survive in deep water without drowning, but I can assure you the queen of this land will hear of it, or at least she would've heard of it if I had not had her killed.
Anyway, because you could not take a hint and just leave, and because I did not feel like starting a civil war in my fortress by sending my militia in there to kill you, no other caravans came from our home civilization. Apparently the total lack of news from any of your caravan combined with the fact that a few of you just could not take the hint and walk out convinced those from the outer lands that you must still be here, trading with us, and so they had no need to send anyone else. And because no further caravans came to our once great mountainhome, no word of our great deeds or ridiculously massive wealth was passed on to the dwarves of our outermost reaches, and so immigration slowed to a trickle before stopping altogether.
Word of our wealth did however reach the goblins and the kobolds though, who launched numerous raids against us. We dealt with these handily, but because my most experienced soldiers were more concerned with picking up equipment than fighting off the enemies, and because my reserve marksdwarves mainly joined for the money for college and didn't understand that you needed bolts in order to be able to use a crossbow, and were also unable to grasp the concept that sometimes bins can contain ammunition, we lost a few men in the defense. Then 2 or 3 forgotten beasts emerged in the middle of a kobold ambush and my more experienced fighters were stretched a little thin. We managed to defeat them, well, all except for the big spider who coated most of my fortress in webs and killed off almost all of my militia including virtually every one of my legendary fighters, but we were eventually able to lure him into the crypts and seal him off behind a wall, so that'll be a nice surprise for whoever comes to reclaim our fortress.
We were bruised but not beaten. We had repelled the invaders, but had lost about half our population, including many of our legendary, skilled crafters, but we could recover from this, assuming we could get some migrants in to replace them, but oh wait, that's right, there weren't any. That's okay, I'm sure we could still find a solution, but it was around this point I noticed that the population of our fortress seemed a little smaller every time I looked. Besides the many dwarves who had been wounded and were now succombing to infection because the hospital was filled with miasma from all the rotting corpses and the few surviving doctors seemed more concerned with moving animals back to their pastures than actually treating anyone, it seemed a few of my more disgruntled deceased were unhappy about the manner of their deaths and the fact that we didn't have enough coffins to bury them all, and decided to rise up and start murdering the remaining populace, leaving many contorted in fear, oddly inside the hospital.
Well, after the last of my patients had died, I saw no problem sealing off the hospital and hoping the ghosts remained there. I tried to engrave memorial slabs for these poor, murderous souls, but it seems that one of their victims had been my legendary engraver. That was okay though, as I could hire a few newb engravers to make a quick memorial slab, but they were rather occupied with the whole corpse hauling and trying to stay alive thing and it took a little while. My population had dwindled to around 20 when we were attacked by troglodytes and voracious cave crawlers from below. My attention had momentarily wavered and was brought back to it by the arrival of a firespitting forgotten beast monitor, who dispatched the wild animals who were overrunning my lower levels and then went to engage the monitor in single combat, as the remainder of the militia, all recruits, were too busy trying to find where they had left their bootlaces to be of any assistance.
The match between the legendary Axe Lord who commanded my militia and the forgotten beast was a draw. The commander attacked the beast with many fierce swings of his axe, and the beast responded by spitting fire at the commander, encasing both in a thick cloud of smoke. An intense battle developed, and when the dust cleared, both were dead. The commander was my last dwarf with any military experience and I was now left with a bunch of recruits to deal with the growing army of troglodytes that were gathering at the base of my fortress. There are some very thick doors leading to the entrance of my fortress proper, but because dwarves can never be bothered to clean up after themselves, and one had left a cage containing a troglodyte caught by one of our traps inside the doorway, the troglodytes had little trouble getting into my fortress, killing most of my ducks and chickens, and generally annoying the population that remained, and my recruits are still trying to track down their boot bands.
So now, my population is down to 6, I have a fortress rapidly filling with wild animals, and to top it all off, now I have an elven caravan to deal with, and I have decided with great reluctance that it is time to abandon the once mighty mountainhome of Pricedwheels. Hopefully the few remaining dwarves can find their way out and still go on to other things. All of this because you guys could not figure out where the exit was despite the many engraved invitations that I had sent you and my multiple attempts to drown you. Please in the future try to be polite and die when I ask nicely. And let this be a lesson to all other upstart overseers of fortresses in realms all over the world, when designing a trap to drown ornery merchants, always be sure you put a grate, and not a fortification, on the lower level so that they cannot swim out through the water inlet. If they survive, they will linger like a piece of meat that gets stuck between your teeth and eventually grows rotten and infected before finally coming loose only to get into your blood and infect your heart, resulting, in a slow painful death from sepsis.
Best Regards to All,
Your former overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on June 02, 2014, 03:29:44 am
Well, it's happened. I have been driven from my mountain home and forced to take up adventuring. The people of your village tell me that you're a vampire and would very much like it if I could help kill you. Of course you deny it, but when you mention the one daughter you had who died of old age 20 years ago, it does raise my suspicions. The older brother you had who was struck down in the forest 300 years ago also sounds rather odd. I admit to not knowing a lot about humans, but I didn't think that you normally lived that long. For trying to maintain the cover of just being an ordinary human villager, you're sure bad at it. One thing I will say is that even totally ordinary vampires are decent in combat, so I'll make an offer for you, would you like to join my party so I can bring you to an honorable death somewhere?
Your pal,
Urist McAdventurer
Post by: Knick on June 03, 2014, 10:10:10 am
If it's not too much trouble, could you please shoot your bolts at the damned goblins sitting outside the fortress?
Yours truly,
The Overseer.
Post by: Baffler on June 03, 2014, 11:07:17 am
-----
This missive was found posted on the wall of the dining hall in the ruins of Torchdagger. It is the last known official address given before the fortress fell.
To the Haulers of Torchdagger,
A number of complaints have been reaching the mayor's desk regarding workload, outnumbered only by reports to the militia sergeants about zombies in the lower halls. Furthermore, the more astute among you may have noticed that a number of your colleagues have been reassigned, mostly to the mining and stone detailing crews. Lots of terrible rumors, which I won't bother relating here, have arisen. I understand your worries and recognize that they are perfectly natural, especially after Datan's disappearance. This notice should put any of your concerns to rest.
Two months ago, as you are all no doubt aware, we were attacked by the walking dead. While no losses were recorded, the fortress gates were closed until a month ago when the undead stopped rising again, allowing our brave militia to clear them from our lands. What you may not be aware of, however, is that the dead were being led by a foul human sorcerer: here for reasons unknown. He had been caught in a cage outside of the fortress gate, and was unable to continue reanimating his minions.
A captured necromancer is a valuable asset, if a dangerous one, so work was begun immediately to construct a facility below the waterworks to keep our new guest. Many of your colleagues were assigned to assist the small miners' and stonecarvers' crews. Additionally, a new vertical shaft had to be dug to provide the necromancer with what he needed. All of this created a lot of loose stone: stone that needed to be hauled away. Let me take a moment to remind you that you are haulers. I am aware that there has not been any major excavation in some time, but that does not excuse complaint when the very necessary work of moving loose boulders out of the work site does arise.
Now as you are again no doubt aware, an army of goblins assaulted to the fortress two weeks ago. These were dealt with a bit more handily. Many of you likely helped to drop their bodies into the new disposal shaft next to the old refuse pile. This is where the trouble comes from. A troll was mistakenly dropped into the pit. According to witness reports, the necromancer saw his opportunity, and reanimated the body of the troll, which used its brute strength to destroy the door controlling access to the pit floor. The necromancer himself remains chained to the floor in a side room, but the significant number of undead he was able to raise are loose in the lower levels. The necromancer's facilities as well as the lower waterworks, forges, and prison are strictly off-limits until our brave militia can clear them.
I haven't forgotten Datan, either. He was trapped in the necromancer's facilities along with the one survivor of the three hammerdwarves stationed there in case of an incident. Both are locked in a panic room and are, as far as we know, alive and well. The room is well stocked with food and booze, and even contains beds. You all have every assurance I can offer that the child, as well as the guardsman, will be returned safely.
Yours,
The Overseer
Post by: dean_ski on June 03, 2014, 12:20:12 pm
I understand that recently you have come across a couple green-skinned child snachers. I understand that those scrunched up, odd looking faces can be quite off-putting. But seeing that you have a very large axe, and a couple speedy legs; to please, please, please, eliminate the damned green fool for stepping on our property instead of running away like a little kobold thief.
Yours sincerely,
Management.
Post by: TV4Fun on June 04, 2014, 11:02:13 pm
I recognize that gastric bypass surgery is very trendy lately, and that if you live a sedentary lifestyle with ready access to fatty and/or unhealthy foods, this can be an excellent way to control your weight, however I wonder if it is the most practical choice for an adventurer. I mention this because you seem to have the stomach capacity of a small frog. It baffles my mind how you can be simultaneously on the verge of dying from starvation/dehydration and also unable to eat another bite of food owing to being completely full. Anyway, you chose the adventuring life despite your obvious limitations, so don't expect me to pay the funeral bill when you die from your own stupidity. You'll be dumped by the side of the road for the wolves to sort out just like all the rest.
Sincerely,
The demon inhabiting your body
Post by: TV4Fun on June 05, 2014, 12:16:22 am
I understand that you're a big, strong adventurer and you were hoping for an honorable death and all that, but I was hoping you would at least wait until we'd got to the next town to do so. You know, maybe you would live longer if you didn't keep picking fights with lions and jumping into rivers to fight alligators. Just a thought.
Best,
Urist
Post by: Solon64 on June 05, 2014, 12:37:03 am
That FB we captured recently, the one which we dropped into a booth in order to gas (deadly dust) any passing foes? The one whose gas causes suffocation within roughly 3 minutes, dorf time, and if you don't breathe, well, tough, because it also causes massive amounts of blood to erupt from your every orifice?
Yeah, that's for goblins. I had not anticipated that his deadly dust would leave contagious piles of incredibly dangerous dust all over the surrounding area. That area is basically untouchable until I figure out a way to pour large amounts of water and/or magma into the area to clean it out. Think horrible, horrible, awful Quarantine Zone. I even set it restricted. Fortunately death is guaranteed in moments and you're extremely unlikely to survive long enough to track it back into the fortress.
What gave you the idea that wading through piles of infected corpses was a smart idea? I mean, really, you're just one more corpse to be sanitized, but now I can't even put you in a coffin because anyone trying to grab your body would similarly die in a most awful fashion.
Once I can clean it and set up the area as an ammunition depot for poison bolts, you're fine to go in there.
In the mean time, enjoy your slab!
-The Overseer
Overseer's Note: I always read about deadly dust FBs and go "nahhh, they aren't THAT bad." And then I get one whose dust is pretty much instantly fatal. I squee'd with insane amounts of glee at the same time I grimaced at the potential disaster waiting to happen from it. Even before I captured it, that thing left a swath of destruction in the caverns, murdering any and every living thing that came near it, animalmen camps, troglodytes, antmen, everything. There's infected blood and bodies ALL OVER the caverns. I'm gonna have to sanitize 90% of the first cavern because of this thing. While such a sanitization might have in the end happened anyway, the fact that it is now basically required has me irked to no end.
I might try and drop some Dwarven ice cream (my fort specialty and primary export, frozen milk lumps and dwarven sugar prepared food) down there, then drop some children and test if the syndrome can be transmitted through ingestion. Would be an amusing way to eliminate nobles, I think.
Post by: gtaguy on June 05, 2014, 08:10:48 am
Post by: MDFification on June 05, 2014, 09:16:10 am
Why not make some shoes and gloves? That'd help with the dust.
Yes, but it will result in the dust being spread everywhere in the fortress. Which will be very bad, as the next time a dwarf tries to replace its footwear (which you can't stop them from doing unless they're in militia squads) it's going to suddenly explode in gore.
A better solution would be to put dwarven bathtubs everywhere in addition to extensive boot reserves.
Dear Urist McMiner;
Why are you just standing there? You have your pick. You have a route to the job site. You're listed as inactive. You're not in a burrow. So why are you refusing to do your job?
If this keeps up, I'm going to stuff you in a minecart and use you as ammunition.
Sincerely,
Exasperated Manager.
Post by: pisskop on June 05, 2014, 09:32:35 am
---
Dear Militia Captain;
This has got to stop. Ever since that Wereelephant can ambushing by us and murdered half a squad you've been acting strange. I've done my best to keep you isolated from the rest of the fort, with 95% success, but after your latest and third 'foray' into our fort I've have no choice but to exterminate you. I know, I promised you your own pit and enough space to set up any workshop you wanted. I know, you may have only wanted the company of other werebeasts to hang out with you. But the fact is; you are too much of a hassle and my miners are overloaded with other projects. As one of my starting seven, I order you to stand on the magma bridge. May you rest peacefully.
Post by: Panando on June 05, 2014, 04:58:19 pm
I know this is my fault for being a bad administrator but I still feel if we can reach an understanding regrettable loss of dwarven (immigrant) life will be dramatically reduced.
The new garbage chute I had installed is, as you hopefully know, for disposing of corpses and limbs so they don't resurrect as butt groping disembodied hands. It is a garbage chute, and it's meant to be dirty, please don't try to clean it, after Urist McRanger stepped up to the task of cleaning the base of the garbage chute, a crundle corpse clobbered him in the head, caught on fire from the magma, set HIM on fire, and that was the end of Urist McRanger. Soon Urist McRanger was joined by Urist McCheesemaker, Urist McFarmer, Urist McFisherdwarf - I suppose it was a game to those guys, a kind of russian roulette with a garbage chute loaded with tumbling crundle corpses/zombies and splashes of burning magma - at least four or five of you guys died playing this game before I noticed what was going on. I'll try and make my fortress more !FUN! so you don't get so bored in the future.
That new locked door at the base of the garbage chute? It's for your own good. I hope you invent a new gambling game, just not one which involves being splashed with burning magma while trying to dodge having your butt groped by freefalling zombie crundle arms (as awesome as that sounds).
Sincerely,
Your compassionate and benevolent overlord.
Post by: gtaguy on June 05, 2014, 11:41:29 pm
I know that the most opulently dressed military officer just died and that it is dwarven tradition to loot any corpses for their clothing. However do note that the military commander died because of a deadly paralyzing dust. Please let me wash the clothing before you take it as the syndrome kills with 100% effectiveness. Since however you refuse to listen to my orders I shall forbid the clothing and hope the dust doesn't spread via the corpses and the floor.
Signed, Gtaguy "Purify it with magma" Cerberus.
Post by: TV4Fun on June 06, 2014, 05:16:10 am
I realize that your entire family may have been killed by a stampede of rampaging emus, or at least I assume that's what happened given your psychotic hatred of them, but I think it's time that you put your anger behind you. We do have other things to do after all, and as amusing as it is watching you run off to chase every wild animal on the continent, I would at some point like to get to my next destination, so I am not trapped outside alone because you ran off to kill some threatening koala and I could not find you again, as I am really getting sick of being killed by stampedes of rampaging bogeymen. Just a friendly suggestion.
Urist McAdventurer
Post by: Staalo on June 06, 2014, 05:58:14 am
please quit holding open the trash compactor door; you're spreading miasma all around the kitchen area. Go have your drink somewhere else.
And no complaints about being disgusted by miasma. It was your own damn choice.
To other dwarves of Palacedeserts,
please stop taking your drinks outside; the militia squads can't always be nearby protecting you from snatchers and ambushers. Compared to our legendary meeting hall there's nothing special outside except trees. What are you, Elves?
sincerely,
The Management
Post by: jcochran on June 06, 2014, 08:17:29 am
Given that your current office after appraisal has a rating of 'Throne Room' as contrasted to the standard of 'Decent Office' for mayors empire wide, I have to wonder at your demand of an iron bed to placed in said office. Your bedroom (appraised as 'Great') is right next door to your office after all. Do you intend on sleeping in your office? And as you're well aware, beds are made of wood, not iron. However, I will admit that from time to time, an especially inspired dwarf will create an artifact seldom seen by anyone. And that sometimes, such awe inspiring artifacts as indeed made of iron. And sometimes, they're even beds. But you know that such works of art are extremely rare, and extremely valuable. If an inspired dwarf in our town were to make such an item, and if it were to be installed in your office, the new appraisal of your office would most likely be 'Royal Throne Room' which far exceeds the office held by our esteemed baron. Which in turn would make the baron quite jealous and impede your working relationship with that noble. Additionally, after we finish construction of the Royal throne room for our empires' royal leadership, the appraisal of your office would still be likely higher than that of the royal family. Is this appropriate?
In any case dear mayor, your demand is being taken under serious consideration since the goal of our esteemed overseer is to ensure the happiness of every dwarf. Meanwhile, a new lever has been installed and you are cordially invited to have the honor of being the first to pull it. Afterwards, there will be a reception in the dinning hall.
Post by: 94dima94 on June 06, 2014, 04:46:53 pm
I understand that the small room on the other side of the fortress is an amazing project and you want to be a part of it;
however, your 3 coworkers are already there, digging. It's a small room and they are fast, they can do it.
They don't need you, ESPECIALLY if, in order to "help" them, you have to leave that single pillar in the middle of the new stockpile room.
You could just finish THAT job, it's far more useful for everyone. And it's literally one step away from you. It would take only 5 seconds.
But no, there is a small room over there, and you MUST dig it out NOW.
Why?
By the way, hadn't you rushed over there screaming "the tenth block is mine! Don't dig it!", the room would've been completely finished WAY sooner. Congratulations, you just slowed down the work in TWO different digging site.
And it's about the fifth time you do this.
I can't...
You know what, forget it. I'm sorry, I was too rude. You don't deserve this, you're a great miner...
Actually, I have the right job for a great miner like you: I was just looking for a poor bast... ehm.. brave soul to dig the warm stone at the end of that tunnel, and I think I found the right dwarf. Congratulations!
Post by: Panando on June 06, 2014, 09:09:04 pm
I don't object to you trying to hunt Giant Cave Spiders (actually, I do, because I want to catch them), but just for future reference (not that you can read this, because you're dead, and your spouse is unhappy now, jerk), if you are going to try and hunt Giant Cave Spiders you might want a better strategy than sneaking up to within 3 tiles of it and trying to shoot it in the face - well, you know why now, I don't need to explain. Just so you know after the GCS finished nomming on your head it got caught in a cage trap and is now proudly displayed at the entrance to the fortress.
Sincerely,
Your compassionate and benevolent overlord.
Post by: Icecoon on June 09, 2014, 01:38:09 am
If you are tantruming because you were training and sparring for too long, please go off duty. There are plenty of new recruits, that could
train their skills. Currently 4 of 9 soldiers of your squad have to train.
P.S.: You broke the ribs of Urist McSpeardwarf. If you refuse to go off duty, then please do not harm your fellow dwarfs. We are currently under goblin siege, so your skills and the skills of the soldiers under your command are needed.
Sincerly,
Your Overseer
Post by: Foxite on June 09, 2014, 01:53:01 pm
When I designate a massive load of stone to be hauled in to the Dwarven Atom Smasher, you are a lot better off not going to sleep in the smashing room.
Signed,
The mechanic who installed the Smasher, and me
Post by: escondida on June 09, 2014, 04:56:46 pm
Dear Urist McDumbMiner,
I understand that the small room on the other side of the fortress is an amazing project and you want to be a part of it;
however, your 3 coworkers are already there, digging. It's a small room and they are fast, they can do it.
They don't need you, ESPECIALLY if, in order to "help" them, you have to leave that single pillar in the middle of the new stockpile room.
You could just finish THAT job, it's far more useful for everyone. And it's literally one step away from you. It would take only 5 seconds.
But no, there is a small room over there, and you MUST dig it out NOW.
Why?
By the way, hadn't you rushed over there screaming "the tenth block is mine! Don't dig it!", the room would've been completely finished WAY sooner. Congratulations, you just slowed down the work in TWO different digging site.
M'dear Overseer,
As a foredwarf in good standing in the Guild of Miners, I resent the implication that I deliberately slowed down work on the construction sites. You see, when my assistants shouted to me that they thought the wall they were about to dig out was probably an important load-bearing wall, naturally I needed to go take a look at it myself! And if the job site happened to be further to the northeast or lower in the ground (you wouldn't understand, it's a miners' tradition), well, all the more reason for me to go there first. As to the pillar left standing in the stocks room, I'm afraid I don't really see the problem. After all, it's not like you'd need to fill out extra paperwork later to mark that one spot on the floor as a new stockpile if you were to just start using the stockpile now! That would be ridiculous.
Quote
You know what, forget it. I'm sorry, I was too rude. You don't deserve this, you're a great miner...
That's quite kind of you to say. I'm glad you're starting to see things my way.
Quote
Actually, I have the right job for a great miner like you: I was just looking for a poor bast... ehm.. brave soul to dig the warm stone at the end of that tunnel, and I think I found the right dwarf. Congratulations!
Oh, I don't know about that. I'm but a humble civil servant here in the fort, spending my whole life digging just to make sure everybody has comfortable living arangements and that the smelters are well-stocked with ores. For such an important occasion as opening up our new magma forges, someone important should probably strike that last ceremonial blow. Cutting the ribbon (what's a ribbon, I wonder?) as 'twere. Here...you can even borrow my old pick.
Post by: Urist McShire on June 09, 2014, 06:17:57 pm
When I tell you to station yourselves in elevated positions behind fortifications above a trapped hallway so that you might shoot at any enemies unlucky or skilled enough to have evaded the traps alive, I expect you to remain standing at your posts with your crossbows primed and ready to fire upon our unsuspecting victims invading our fort. Why it is that you deem it absolutely necessary to leave these carefully prepared defenses designed to save your lives and venture out of the fortress to engage the enemy head-on without melee support simply astounds me. Nearly half of you died, including some of you who have survived many sieges and earned titles for yourselves and should really know better than to perform an act so foolish.
Therefore I am placing all of you into obsidian towers and completely scrapping the idea of letting you rain death on the enemy from above after they've entered a trapped corridor, as the order, "Stand in this burrow and shoot anything not friendly that you see down there" is too complicated for you. And, just to be on the safe side, I am assigning each of you a trained war bear and war lion, so that they may fight over your corpse's meat in the event you do something so stupid again.
Sincerely,
Your baffled, mourning, Overseer
P.S. Seriously, if you had all just followed orders in the first place, we would have survived those two consecutive sieges without losing anyone. Instead eight of you chose to needlessly throw your lives away. Do not do so in future unless a merciless Megabeast, Titan, or FB arrives.
Post by: Lich180 on June 09, 2014, 07:04:21 pm
When I tell you to deconstruct a bridge over a 30z waterfall, with nothing but death in the form of dismemberment and alligators at the bottom, do NOT stand on the bridge as you take it apart.
Post by: pisskop on June 09, 2014, 07:21:52 pm
Please stop being so awesome and being so trained and having a high armour user when everybody else is relatively new. I know you are one of the Seven, and I know I gave you both a gifted start and a year to train before they showed up, but when you charge a bow squad without the support of your companions I get nervous. But, good use of LOS to screen yourself for a bit of the way.
p.s. Stop taking all the kills. You won't get another title, and I'm not granting you a title outside of what you already have.
Post by: deepfreeze78 on June 09, 2014, 08:00:08 pm
Really, there is NO NEED to throw your training partner into the wall. I'm running out of coffins.
Sincerely,
DeepFreeze78, the ruler with 4 less dwarves.
Post by: Spehss _ on June 10, 2014, 02:51:23 pm
Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to run off to rest in the hospital every time your skin starts oozing blood. See, that's a well known side effect of the bright aqua blue revolting ooze that's constantly raining outside. So far, it's proven completely harmless to everything except the smallest of critters, like kittens or new born babies. Ever since the foundation of this fortress, working dwarves didn't mind the constant trail of blood they oozed form their pores. Then after a couple years without any complaints the hospital becomes established, and suddenly dwarves are constantly stopping by to "rest" instead of doing whatever work they went outside to do.
Stop clogging the hospital, you blood soaked slackers. Go do your jobs. We're trying to build a roof over the outdoor courtyard so there's less ooze everywhere. If you haulers would stop suspending the constructions just because your skin is dripping a little blood from the ooze and you'd stop pretending to be sick in the hospital then maybe the roof would be done sooner.
Blood oozing from your very sweat glands doesn't excuse you from hauling masonry.
Insincerly, the Management
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on June 14, 2014, 10:40:50 am
Maybe you should try installing something to close off the hospital selectively (i.e. any time your fort isn't under attack)? Actually, wouldn't a simple door do the job?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on June 14, 2014, 11:09:46 am
Dwarves will use meeting areas and beds as 'resting locations' should you not have a hospital or if they do not have access to one.Maybe you should try installing something to close off the hospital selectively (i.e. any time your fort isn't under attack)? Actually, wouldn't a simple door do the job?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Similarly, through testing I figured out that doctors will do their job (eventually, and perhaps get around to it more slowly than at the hospital) outside of hospitals, and even use traction benches if one is nearby. And tables. Nothing says dwarf like one of the starting seven getting surgery on one of the three eating tables.
---
I would imagine that the 'rest' lasts only as long as the worst of the bleeding happens. Once that threshold is dipped under again, they go about their way. It sounds like the cancelations are the problem more than the hospital rests.
Post by: Spehss _ on June 14, 2014, 12:52:24 pm
Post by: Kishmond on June 17, 2014, 11:44:20 pm
I am aware that we are under siege, however, I assure you that our walls keep us completely safe. Please try to stop running away from the goblins on the top of the cliff long enough to get inside and take a drink. It's not worth your (collective) lives.
- Overseer
((Seriously, half my fortress is stuck outside in a panicked mass. I think this is suitably stupid that I'm just going to set the boiling point of goblin blood to room temperature. That at least would be entertaining.))
Post by: callisto8413 on June 18, 2014, 10:10:48 am
I write this scroll on the hopes that I may help you understand your position. See, in one of our fights against the Goblins you came to the aid of one of the SwordDwarfs, which I have no problem with. In fact, while the SwordDwarf was attacking the Goblin from the front and, I may add, doing a great job of impaling the enemy soldier on her sword and twisting her weapon in the body, you attacked it from the rear. Once again, no problem with that. In fact, always a good idea.
And the fact that you bashed the Goblin's legs and lower body with the shield, repeatable, and at one point I believe you even sliced off a leg isn't a issue either. Bravo! Very Roman. In fact I hear some Fortresses have nothing but units of SpearDwarfs who are trained to fight just like that. Not the issue.
But do you think, just maybe, the use of the spear would have ended the fight faster? We were outnumbered and taking out the foes faster would have been a nice idea. Oh we won, true, but this need to use your shield and ignore a perfectly good spear seems...a tad childish. Not saying, just saying.
Slightly confused but still happy with the results,
The Overseer.
Post by: Madman198237 on June 18, 2014, 01:26:58 pm
Keep doing what you're doing! For once, I have no problem with it. Any group of 16 dwarfs and a dog that can take on a FB with no weapons are all good for me. Of course, this FB was nothing but a feathery scorpion with no clue what was going on, but still....Good job.
(Seriously, after 2 pages of hit reports in which the FB had not hit back once, this FB had entered a vegetative state, with no tissues beneath "Complete function loss" [Broken] status)
Of course, for the frustration bit of this thread, please work faster. And smarter. Preferably without letting another grizzly or polar bear take any food. Or letting those falcons interrupt your work. Oh, and if you can, please learn to run into the fort BEFORE I raise the drawbridge.
You know, the little things that make you not dead. Because as an overseer, I find it annoying to find replacements.
Please learn quickly,
Your
Post by: Tonic on June 18, 2014, 02:52:26 pm
I stationed you outside the spike room, not in it. You knew there were goblins and trolls raining down from above to land on the spikes. You knew I made it slightly less-than-lethal so it would take time for them to bleed out. This time is intended for them to reflect on how thoroughly they've been wrecked by our mighty Mountainhome, not for you to go in and stab a thrice-impaled, mostly-dismembered troll just so you could get another kill.
Have you noticed that every dwarf who went into the spike room limped out, after being literally caught in a rain of terrified goblins?
Go get in your traction benches and think about what you've done. Someone will pop round to discover your corpses in a year or so.
Post by: jcochran on June 18, 2014, 04:04:26 pm
Dear Urists,But boss, if you don't want us to go bravely charging in to kill the hated enemies of our fortress, you ought not to station us within sight of the ones to be killed. Can we help it if we're so enthusiastic about killing trolls and goblins?
I stationed you outside the spike room, not in it. You knew there were goblins and trolls raining down from above to land on the spikes. You knew I made it slightly less-than-lethal so it would take time for them to bleed out. This time is intended for them to reflect on how thoroughly they've been wrecked by our mighty Mountainhome, not for you to go in and stab a thrice-impaled, mostly-dismembered troll just so you could get another kill.
Have you noticed that every dwarf who went into the spike room limped out, after being literally caught in a rain of terrified goblins?
Go get in your traction benches and think about what you've done. Someone will pop round to discover your corpses in a year or so.
Post by: ancistrus on June 18, 2014, 04:57:28 pm
the bars on the floor serve a very noble purpose - they allow us to have many beautiful waterfalls in various corridors in our fortress. Incidentally, that means that there is nothing but lots of water underneath them. Does destroying the bars under your feet still seem like a good idea? Yes? Then by all means, please go ahead and do it. It is always fun to watch natural selection in progress. In fact, we will be implementing the design in other parts of the fortress.
So, thank you Urists, all 11 of you. You are visionaries, really. Who needs the fortress guard, or chains or a hammerer when we can have an automated justice system?
Post by: Panando on June 18, 2014, 10:23:03 pm
Urist McBroker here,
Wouldja please stop bitching about me not wanting to trade and assigning me to a burrow to force me. Ya may not know this but My Papa McBroker told me "You should never trade on an empty stomach, and your breath should smell like booze, and you should always be well-rested, a nice long nap will do. If you have any tattered clothing, now is the time to replace them, it does no good as broker to represent in rags. Eat another meal, you might be there all day. And always-always remember, go on break when they arrive." I've ever lived by my Papa's words of wisdom and would deeply appreciate it if you'd get that menacing netherwood spike out of your butt and give me a break and trust me that I know how a dwarf is supposed to broker deals.
With all due respect [yer great beardless monkey],
Urist McBroker
Post by: gtaguy on June 18, 2014, 11:01:47 pm
I understand that you're pissed off I didn't give you a proper burial nor a headstone. I don't want to. You decided to go on break right in the middle of the tracks and showed surprise when a platinum minecart came barreling out of the gun straight for you. I'm not angry at you, just disappointed that you prematurely threw all the of serrated disks into the backs of the militia dwarves and the goblins.
However given that I have not incinerated your entire family you should show some goddamn gratitude and not haunt my nonidiotic dwarves. So please enjoy having your corpse thrown into the necromancer pit and then getting hacked apart by the axe dwarves that survived your stupidity. If any major limb of your corpse survives I will make certain to place it in magma so your remaining mortal bonds will be forever in pain.
Your ever kind Overseer, Gtaguy.
Post by: pisskop on June 19, 2014, 10:39:51 am
I laud your eagerness for battle. Our plan to attack with the departure of the human caravan worked perfectly, for our side. With your courage zero dwarves have died today. the same could not be said for the poor wagon and its movers. Or the goblins.
Perhaps you met them. As you were leading the assault without a weapon. As you were shaking a bowman about by the eye socket with your teeth. As you were bashing heads in with a shield. As you were punching through copper face masks.
For your part, you sustained a few bruises and an arrow in the wrist. Good on you. But a weapon is so much more efficient. Bring one next year, when the humans take their revenge on us. I've already begun replacing the traps.
Sincerely;
PK
Post by: Panando on June 20, 2014, 10:10:05 pm
As the benevolent overlord of the fortress, I would like to personally thank you for being consistent and predictable in your mandates. First you mandate the production of millstones, then you prohibit their export. Everyone appreciates that we know where we stand with you. Produce millstones, don't sell them, and no-one gets hurts.
The only thing which puzzles me - and perhaps this is part of your grand and secret plan and I'm not in the know so you wont tell me anyway - is what exactly is this great millstone stash for? I've built a bunch in your rooms, since you presumably like them. But as you know well, we don't actually have a milling industry. We've never milled a single bag of sugar, flour or dye, and we never will. Even if we did, we would only need one millstone, because they are highly efficient. I would understand if you wanted to export millstones but...
Well the guys are getting a bit worried. I know you say "Don't worry guys! I just like millstones. I just like having millstones around.", but still, if you do secretly aspire to make a millstone based death-trap, you can let us in on the plan. Because we're all cool with that kind of thing.
Kind regards,
Your benevolent overlord.
PS. And if you ever require an unfortunate accident, you can be assured it will involve millstones.
Post by: WanderingKid on June 21, 2014, 02:13:08 pm
Post by: christopher1006 on June 21, 2014, 02:34:45 pm
When I tell you to raise the bridge, it is not to be done at your convenience. It's because there are 20 fully armoured goblins about to cross it and slaughter you all because the metalsmith decided he needed a nice long vacation before building armour for the military.
From,
You're pissed off leader.
Post by: Panando on June 21, 2014, 08:52:49 pm
The Militia Commander is delighted to hear that you are a proficient Fighter, Shield User and Dodger, and Strong to boot. In fact you've been invited to join his squad, which is a very great honour. We're all very pleased that you've turned up in the first migration wave to help out our fledging fortress.
But the Militia Commander has one little concern - well actually I think it might be more of a phobia on his part since he'll have to spar with you - he is slightly alarmed that your one and only offensive skill is proficient biter. Now don't get us wrong, we're all tremendously impressed by your dedication and single-mindedness, but as the Militia Commander said to me "Ock, I've yet to see a dwarf parry an attack with his chompers", so please, here's a nice spear, we're going to have to insist you learn to use it.
Your Benevolent Overlord.
Post by: Grip on June 22, 2014, 12:55:35 pm
I would like to congratulate you on becoming the first undead citizen of Fireaxe, the Bane of Trees. Unfortunately, due to the downfall of Destinedfailure, we have a very strict no undead policy. For you, however, we are willing to make an exception! Please report to the drawbridge which you so recently admired, and I will explain your new association with our Chief Medical Dwarf, who is in serious need of experience.
All the best,
The Invisible Overlord
Post by: Kreydurst on June 23, 2014, 02:08:51 pm
As much as I appreciate you sticking into the fight after your shield hand was chopped off. Do you not think that beating the goblin ambush to death with your severed hand to be a little inefficient?
Post by: ImagoDeo on June 23, 2014, 03:36:03 pm
Dear Urist McVampire,
I would like to congratulate you on becoming the first undead citizen of Fireaxe, the Bane of Trees. Unfortunately, due to the downfall of Destinedfailure, we have a very strict no undead policy. For you, however, we are willing to make an exception! Please report to the drawbridge which you so recently admired, and I will explain your new association with our Chief Medical Dwarf, who is in serious need of experience.
All the best,
The Invisible Overlord
I've got a vampire doing surgery training duty in my hospital at the moment. My hope is that eventually I'll be able to work out some way of bloodying the wellwater with her, but until then I'm content to get a legendary surgeon out of the deal.
Post by: ImagoDeo on June 23, 2014, 05:35:24 pm
Dear Urst mc... swordsdawrf?
As much as I appreciate you sticking into the fight after your shield hand was chopped off. Do you not think that beating the goblin ambush to death with your severed hand to be a little inefficient?
Dear Overseer,
Inefficient my arse! T'were the most efficient way to give as good as I'd got. Them wart-faced shifty-eyed draltha-@#$%ers... t'was only fit to give them the finger, quite lit'rally, y'see. I'm sure y'can unnerstand.
Never fret. I can wear a shield 'n' carry a sword in the same hand. Ye'll never notice a difference.
-Urist McSwordsdwarf
Post by: Akura on June 24, 2014, 12:53:51 pm
I will remind each of you that Wolverine Men do not have adamantine skeletons and claws, and the fact that they are tearing you apart is not proof of this. You're just fighting barehanded a creature bigger than you and based off a creature smaller than you that is still quite capable of wrecking you.
Overseer.
PS. Please stop telling the new recruits this as well. The result is half of them being too scared to fight and the other half reaching a suicidal zeal for harvesting adamantine for the greater fort.
Post by: BlitzDungeoneer on June 24, 2014, 12:58:45 pm
When I tell you to mine, and you aren't occupied with anything, and equipped with pickaxes, you are to goddamn mine, not wander the fortress being lazy.
Your Overseer/God.
Post by: Tawa on June 25, 2014, 09:38:43 am
If and when you are reincarnated, IF THERE IS A NUCLEAR BOMB OF A HILLSIDE ABOUT TO FALL ON YOU, GET OUT OF ITS GODDAMN WAY.
Sincerely, your fortress overseer, Tawarochir Forestrider (who is, if the internet says anything), The First.
Post by: TD1 on June 25, 2014, 03:32:09 pm
Forestrider, eh?
PLAGIARISM!
Post by: Tawa on June 25, 2014, 07:41:33 pm
Post by: Magnumcannon on June 25, 2014, 09:28:26 pm
There is something called BARREL and another thing called BIN, now stop leaving all the food and your useless crap at the floor and go STORE IT.
Post by: TD1 on June 25, 2014, 10:03:22 pm
wutHuh. I'll never leap at what I think is a Farstrider reference again.
Post by: Tawa on June 26, 2014, 09:52:11 am
Dear Urist McMilitiacaptainwhoisanarchitectontheoffseason:
If I tell you to build a bridge out of siltstone blocks, BUILD THE BRIDGE. DO NOT take detours between block-hauling to get boozed up and take naps. There are children outside the fort dying in the cold. Next time I build a bridge over a major moat, FINISH THE BRIDGE BEFORE I DIG A BACK DOOR. I have to build a drawbridge in there and leave the door locked.
-Tawarochir
Post by: Iamblichos on June 26, 2014, 12:29:44 pm
I realize that you are very fond of the Captain America movies. I get it. I do. They are good entertainment. Red Skull reminds of a necromancer, sure.
However.
Please, for the love of little baby Armok in his lava cradle, STOP ENGRAVING HYDRAS ALL OVER THE DAMN FORT. There are a LOT of other events that have happened worth commemorating. Tons. Seriously. I checked. We even killed a giantess. Enough with the Hydra.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Tawa on June 26, 2014, 03:01:09 pm
Dear Engravers of Largeropes:You ever read Boatmurdered? Dwarves engrave whatever they feel is most influential in their lives.
I realize that you are very fond of the Captain America movies. I get it. I do. They are good entertainment. Red Skull reminds of a necromancer, sure.
However.
Please, for the love of little baby Armok in his lava cradle, STOP ENGRAVING HYDRAS ALL OVER THE DAMN FORT. There are a LOT of other events that have happened worth commemorating. Tons. Seriously. I checked. We even killed a giantess. Enough with the Hydra.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Unless they're lame historians.
Post by: Iamblichos on June 26, 2014, 03:11:11 pm
Post by: the1337doofus on June 27, 2014, 12:59:47 am
Yes, I think of Boatmurdered every time the engravers get 'hung' on a particular subject... although I have enjoyed reading so many succession forts, nothing will ever match the first time, and Boatmurdered was my first.Man, I loved Boatmurdered. Sure, by now it's standard fare for every fortress, but it's still awesome in that it was what got me into DF.
____
A note to the ten masons of Fort Hope;
When I say "You're no longer allowed to haul things, only build walls and other mason-things", I.
Fucking.
Mean.
DROP.
YOUR GODDAMN.
TOY.
GO PICK UP A BLOCK.
AND TURN IT INTO A WALL TO KEEP THE STEEL RANGERS OUT.
You ten idiots, you know who you are, and I can't be arsed to look up your names, are the reason everyone in the fortress is dead. Burn in Tartarus you stupid bastards.
-Overcolt Doof
Post by: Agent_Irons on June 27, 2014, 01:07:24 am
You're hunters specifically because if you get your head kicked in by cavern creatures nobody will miss you. However, I think you're taking this detachment thing a little too far. You do not have to clean up the blood of the creatures you are hunting, even if the impulse is admirable. Less admirable is your apparent desire to clean up the blood while it's still coming out of the creature, because it's still alive.
Finish one job before starting another, will you? Or I *will* burrow you to the alarm pasture and burn you in magma. Don't think I won't.
Post by: pisskop on June 27, 2014, 07:31:29 pm
I hate you. I promised my militia we would be robbing you. I got them all the fanciest weapons I could smith. I set them to train and live-trained them on wild ogres, harpies, and giant wolverines. We meticulously dumped items in the evil biome to make a trap. And we doctored everybody at the cost of the fort.
So when you decide to pop by in front of an ash cloud, with a family of ogres between you and us, I get a little sad. I dont want to have to deal with the ash cloud effects on my goods; and I dont want to be cheated out of my kills by ogres. You see, the ash is actually fairly harmless to large monsters, but to things our size it will cause enough pain to make you pass out. And then you wake up and go to sleep.
I hope they don't hurt you too hard, honestly. I just hope you don't spoil my food.
-The Management
Post by: deepfreeze78 on June 28, 2014, 03:57:47 pm
Please don't haul things into the atomsasher as it is about to atomsmash. I understand we just killed an elf caravan and we need to bring their bodies to be atomsmashed, but did you really need to do it right then? If you had waited a few more frames, you would have been safe, and we would not be needing to engrave a memorial slab.
Sincerely,
Your Careless Overseer
Post by: pisskop on June 28, 2014, 04:50:29 pm
Hunting Giant Cave Spiders is not a recommended use of your time. I had you slated to be a trial mason, one of the higher posts of the fort. Should you live through you slashed throat, I will reassign you to a marksdwarf squad.
signed.
Post by: Eric Blank on June 28, 2014, 08:34:14 pm
Post by: Panando on June 28, 2014, 08:53:08 pm
Your benevolent Overlord.
Post by: da_nang on June 29, 2014, 08:01:46 am
Please get the fuck off your fat arse and put in those work orders I ordered months ago.
Yours sincerely,
Your Overseer.
Post by: bigjaredmonkey on June 29, 2014, 11:45:22 am
when you are partying, don't have the entire fortress of dorfs in the party, i really need that door done. have fun with the king of beasts.
-the invisible force behind your every survival-important action that you never do.
P.S. also, dont stand there starving yourselves. i have 50 horse steaks right next to you.
Post by: sal880612m on June 29, 2014, 03:12:52 pm
I really meant that tile to be channeled from the safety of another tile that needed to be dug out, but in your impatience you entered that space from above and channeled underneath yourself. I trully hope you enjoyed your final 'bath' and since I do not want to see you again I will drain the system recover your body entomb it and just for good measure I will add a memorial slab as well. I really don't want you coming back. I am quite thankful that it was you that died as opposed to one of the other six members of the fort.
-Overseer
Post by: ImagoDeo on June 30, 2014, 08:32:50 am
Next time I tell you to deconstruct some stairs, kindly ensure that no other dwarves are standing on them when you do so. Especially not our only carpenter or our militia commander. A 15-z fall is not good for the digestive system, and I'm not talking about only yours.
Sincerely,
Overser of a Recently Abandoned Fort
Post by: KingBacon on June 30, 2014, 12:30:37 pm
How and where did you die? I really hope you didn't fall into the magma.
-Overseer
Post by: pisskop on June 30, 2014, 12:47:23 pm
Dear Urist,
How and where did you die? I really hope you didn't fall into the magma.
-Overseer
Dear -Overseer;
The question presented before us should be not 'where' or 'how', but rather why. What is the purpose of one dwarf's existence when faced with the multitudes of implosions and recreations of the worlds, the blood of a dwarf when weighed against the lifeforce of whole populations, the powers of a god when forced into the subservience of a creators whims.
We worship gods because they can curse us with the profane. We worship the anvil because it is the symbol of industry; of enigmas and of the Spark. We worship the ground because it holds the hidden fertility. Under the fertility we find the mysteries and the horrors.
But what are they? What is a brute to a theologian? Who can deny that our knowledge is but the organization of the ignorant? Why are we being? Why?
-Urist
Post by: klefenz on June 30, 2014, 02:00:18 pm
Post by: Iamblichos on June 30, 2014, 02:12:47 pm
I thank you for the regular migrant waves. I do. I just wish that you would send me dwarves with anything approaching a useful skill.
Some of your jokes are funny - I like a Legendary +2 Cheesemaker as much as the next overseer. Sending me carpenters in no-wood biomes, potters in no-clay biomes, woodcarvers, bone carvers, and glazers - it's a real chuckle. I get it.
This latest round of migrants with no skills at all, though... now, the gloves are off. I am no longer amused.
- A pissed overlord
Post by: Panando on June 30, 2014, 10:12:38 pm
Dea Urist McLegenaryWeaponSmith: why did you go out during a siege? The civilian alert kept everyon else inside, but you insisted on going there. Tell me, who is going to forge the candy into instruments of war now? Catten McDabbling?
Mah'Dear Overlord,
Truth be told ah just couldn't stand all the death and dying ah was responsible for by making all those orrible orrible weapons, so ah went outside to end it all.
JUST KIDDING!
My sock sense was tingling! Socks! Troll fur socks! Ya' know the best troll fur comes from around the troll's scr—actually ah can tell ya' don't want to hear, so lets not go there. If ya' don't want the socks to be all covered in blood 'n gore ya' have to wrestle 'em off the goblin before the goblin's been all chopped up and ah should know how much a mess mah finest work can make. So there ah was, off to wrestle some socks from a goblin, and WHAA, out of nowhere, ah was dead. Ah was as surprised as ya' ah tell ya'.
Ya' loyal servant even in death (Ah think ah'll possess catten when he's half trained up, ho ho ha),
Urist McLegendaryWeaponSmith
Post by: bigjaredmonkey on July 01, 2014, 11:04:06 am
F**K off, i dont care about your tree limit, and enjoy lava.
and a bronze collossus if you somehow survive.
-dwarves of releasedlabor
Post by: Tolis Kadestozi on July 01, 2014, 01:28:28 pm
Uhem.. I really wish you wouldn't try to scramble into the trap lined hallway that is intended for the goblins who are still not dead yet, just for his fresh sock.
Thank you for not listening to the burrow order. Sincerely, The Overseer
Post by: Agent_Irons on July 01, 2014, 07:11:56 pm
Dear Urist McSuicidal.I'm so grateful I discovered forbid death items.
Uhem.. I really wish you wouldn't try to scramble into the trap lined hallway that is intended for the goblins who are still not dead yet, just for his fresh sock.
Thank you for not listening to the burrow order. Sincerely, The Overseer
Post by: Ianflow on July 02, 2014, 09:20:25 pm
dear fortress of splatbatterred,
when you are partying, don't have the entire fortress of dorfs in the party, i really need that door done. have fun with the king of beasts.
-the invisible force behind your every survival-important action that you never do.
P.S. also, dont stand there starving yourselves. i have 50 horse steaks right next to you.
Dear Invisible Force,
But it is tradition to party at tables in Places designated for Meeting. On a side note, do you really think that the King of Beasts is courteous enough to knock first on a door? Door or not, he will likely kill us all anyhow.
Oh, and those Horse Steaks, aren't they in a Barrel designated to be moved for a job so that something can be placed in them?
-Fortress of Splatbattered
(Those are two things that may be important)
Dear Urist, when your sleeping mud-pile gets flooded with 7/7 water, please wake up, otherwise you end up *ahem* sleeping with the fishes. Perhaps also choose a wiser place to sleep. I can't always be scheduling barely-planned releases of torrents of water around your eccentric sleeping habits.
Your benevolent Overlord.
Dear Benevolent Overlord,
Dwarves like myself often get so tired from working that we sleep wherever available, such as on the floor, especially if the pathing to a bed is blocked. I'm not psychic, so I didn't know about the water. We are sometimes dumb as, or more dumb than Norns, so the phrase "eem exemely tired" applies.
With Magma, Urist
Post by: Kreydurst on July 03, 2014, 09:09:44 am
How the hell (More like who) gave you the order to pull that lever on repeat that lead to the atomsmashing of 90% of my fort while I went away to do an errand.
Post by: Sutremaine on July 04, 2014, 01:22:11 pm
Post by: Larix on July 04, 2014, 07:32:24 pm
Urist McSwordsdwarf - i'm slightly alarmed by your announcement that you "admired a fine Trade Depot recently". I'm quite sure that the occasion on which you visited the depot was when you killed the human traders (by my order) and the depot was decorated with human guts at that time.
Post by: 10terrapin01 on July 05, 2014, 10:00:33 pm
Pulling the lever is NOT OPTIONAL. Mandatory, not optional, not even pull at your own whimsy PULL IT RIGHT NOW. Those husks aren't going to sit outside all day.
Post by: ImagoDeo on July 06, 2014, 12:46:41 am
I'm confused. Your child vanished without a trace. There is no corpse. There is no baby. There is nowhere said child could possibly have gone. We're sealed inside and there are five hundred zombies outside, and you say you lost your baby? I could personally search the entire fort in thirty seconds, and you LOST YOUR BABY?
Armok take me, I DID search the entire elfhumping fort in thirty goblinsucking seconds and found not a single trace of your child. Perhaps you hallucinated giving birth and raising a youngster? How did you convince the engraver to build a slab of a child that never existed? Armok's beard, lady...
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: MrsStick on July 06, 2014, 01:27:46 am
Dear Urist,
Pulling the lever is NOT OPTIONAL. Mandatory, not optional, not even pull at your own whimsy PULL IT RIGHT NOW. Those husks aren't going to sit outside all day.
Wrong lever, Urist! (no? am I the only one thinking of that movie now?
Edited to add:
Thanks, Mosus, for my larch amulet worth a paltry 81800 dorf-bucks. Now go haul corpses. Yes, you're a legend now, but you're useless to me. Our fort is down from 150+ dwarves to 33 in two days' my time, and my first mood in months gives me a LARCH AMULET?
Post by: wierd on July 06, 2014, 02:01:30 am
Dear Urist McMother,
I'm confused. Your child vanished without a trace. There is no corpse. There is no baby. There is nowhere said child could possibly have gone. We're sealed inside and there are five hundred zombies outside, and you say you lost your baby? I could personally search the entire fort in thirty seconds, and you LOST YOUR BABY?
Armok take me, I DID search the entire elfhumping fort in thirty goblinsucking seconds and found not a single trace of your child. Perhaps you hallucinated giving birth and raising a youngster? How did you convince the engraver to build a slab of a child that never existed? Armok's beard, lady...
Sincerely,
Overseer
Well, EXCUSE ME, Mr. Overseer!
Honestly, do you think popping out babies every few months like clockwork simply because I said "I DO" in a room full of stone chairs and tables is somehow so benal an experience, that I would somehow forget how incredibly painful childbirth is, and as such, somehow be "Confused" about having experienced such an event?
No sir, It most certainly is not, and I most certainly AM NOT.
Now, Mr "I can search the whole fortress in 30 seconds", Did you ever stop to consider that maybe my child could have wandered into one of those horrible "Atom Smashers" your lot is so terribly fond of? Or perhaps, it may have gotten crushed to death in a mining accident? There are many ways that a dwarf can die and leave no corporeal remains! Treating me like a nutter just because you cant find the corpse is so delusionally wrong headed that it would be laughable if all our lives didnt hinge on your ability to make high quality descisions! For goodness sake, the engraver wouldnt even ALLOW a memorial slab to be carved for my poor dear baby, if there had been no baby to begin with!
You and your lot are all so damned callous that you never stop to consider little things like this! If you REALLY wanted to know how my poor innocent baby met its end, you could always check "Legends mode", or some such rot-- At least so I've been led to believe anyway.
Now then-- i've important boulders to haul around futilely, and you have a fortress to run. If you really wanted to find out what happened to my child, you most certainly have the tools to find out by yourself, and have no need to cast absurd aspersions against me when things like this happen.
Now snap to it, chop chop.
Post by: TheFlame52 on July 06, 2014, 08:09:57 am
Post by: wierd on July 06, 2014, 04:58:59 pm
Post by: Urist McWhatTheHellGuys? on July 06, 2014, 06:55:18 pm
Now I know when you're struck by inspiration it's hard to control your impulses but no matter how many of you want to produce a masterpiece in glass it will never ever happen. We're on a glacier, there is no glass. There is nothing from which to make glass. And if I have to put up with having my military kill one more of you I swear I will simply start killing off new migrant waves to prevent tantrum spiralling.
Yours sincerely
The Benevolent Overseer
Post by: ImagoDeo on July 06, 2014, 07:32:20 pm
Well, EXCUSE ME, Mr. Overseer!
Honestly, do you think popping out babies every few months like clockwork simply because I said "I DO" in a room full of stone chairs and tables is somehow so benal an experience, that I would somehow forget how incredibly painful childbirth is, and as such, somehow be "Confused" about having experienced such an event?
No sir, It most certainly is not, and I most certainly AM NOT.
Now, Mr "I can search the whole fortress in 30 seconds", Did you ever stop to consider that maybe my child could have wandered into one of those horrible "Atom Smashers" your lot is so terribly fond of? Or perhaps, it may have gotten crushed to death in a mining accident? There are many ways that a dwarf can die and leave no corporeal remains! Treating me like a nutter just because you cant find the corpse is so delusionally wrong headed that it would be laughable if all our lives didnt hinge on your ability to make high quality descisions! For goodness sake, the engraver wouldnt even ALLOW a memorial slab to be carved for my poor dear baby, if there had been no baby to begin with!
You and your lot are all so damned callous that you never stop to consider little things like this! If you REALLY wanted to know how my poor innocent baby met its end, you could always check "Legends mode", or some such rot-- At least so I've been led to believe anyway.
Now then-- i've important boulders to haul around futilely, and you have a fortress to run. If you really wanted to find out what happened to my child, you most certainly have the tools to find out by yourself, and have no need to cast absurd aspersions against me when things like this happen.
Now snap to it, chop chop.
Dear Urist McMother,
The only atom smasher we're running sees essentially no use at all because we never get any garbage that requires smashing. Your shiny steel outfit never wears out, so you'll never chuck some unused XXsockXX in someone else's bed for me to clean up.
Furthermore, YOU are supposed to keep track of YOUR OWN CHILD. Need I remind you that you were supposed to be carrying the tyke until he turned one year old? Fort records do certainly show that you gave birth and carried a child for a number of months, but that child has now vanished and has left no trace of its passage.
I am holding you responsible unless some better alternative crops up. This 'Legends Mode' of which you speak may indeed yield some useful information. I'll look into it.
In the meantime, get back to hauling. We're planning a big zombie smasher so I'll need all the lever-pulling you can manage. Think you can handle that, or will the lever mysteriously vanish and leave no mechanisms behind?
-Overseer
Post by: Panando on July 07, 2014, 04:34:48 am
I admit, playing "Dear Abbey" with DF is a real kick, but finding a suitable letter to respond to can sometimes be challenging. I have more fun responding to letters than I do seeing events that would warrant writing my own.
Ah yes, the truth is that most cases of dwarven death are preventable through efficient overseership. It doesn't change the fact that dwarves are angry little suicide monkeys that have zero survival instinct and seem hell bent on killing themselves if not kept in a the equivalent of a children's playpen with no toys small enough to choke on. And then there actually are the ones which mood up a larch earring, or demand a fine pewter bed in their office, which really just makes dwarves a realistic reflection of humans, right down to adopting a bazillion cats then going stark raving mad because the authorities take all the cats away and put them down.
Post by: Koremu on July 07, 2014, 12:35:28 pm
Furthermore, YOU are supposed to keep track of YOUR OWN CHILD. Need I remind you that you were supposed to be carrying the tyke until he turned one year old? Fort records do certainly show that you gave birth and carried a child for a number of months, but that child has now vanished and has left no trace of its passage.
Have you got a cage trap with a snatcher caught in it somewhere?
Post by: Nyxalinth on July 07, 2014, 05:54:17 pm
Indeed. "Urist, how DARE you do the exact thing I explicitly ordered you to do!" (Of course, the better atomsmashers are fully automatic and don't need a leverpuller.)
Urist McSwordsdwarf - i'm slightly alarmed by your announcement that you "admired a fine Trade Depot recently". I'm quite sure that the occasion on which you visited the depot was when you killed the human traders (by my order) and the depot was decorated with human guts at that time.
Aww, come on lad. The red of the viscera goes so well with the stone!
Post by: TV4Fun on July 09, 2014, 08:10:13 am
I really don't know how this happened. I would not have thought it possible that three grown dwarves who had ostensibly been trained as warriors could be fatally impaled by a bunch of wooden training spears, but I was proved wrong. It was only a matter of days after the opening of our new danger room that your loved ones demonstrated its potential lethality. I suppose if I had provided some better armor, or indeed some armor at all to them, they might have had better luck, but we have had some rather sever resource shortages lately. Take heart though; those dwarves that were not killed have been trained as truly spectacular warriors, and the fact that your loved ones died so easily proved that they were wrong for the militia in the first place. It is indeed a fortunate thing that we found this out early, and saved them many long and painful years serving in a job for which they were poorly suited before dying a gruesome death at the hands of a minotaur, a grasshopper man, or tripping over a rock. As it is, they died below ground like good dwarves, and can be given a quick and proper burial. Hopefully we have now weeded out the weakest of our army, and further fatalities will be minimal. If deaths continue, I take solace in the teachings of one Urist McDarwin (look at his face and tell me he wasn't a dwarf), knowing that the deaths of the weakest among us will make all of us stronger.
Now stop grieving and get back to work,
The Overseer (Who is still playing DF2012 after his fortress in DF2014 crashed with a segfault after about 5 minutes and had not been saved)
Post by: Nyxalinth on July 09, 2014, 08:31:39 am
You, sir, detest romance, and your wife has no care for family. I've just named you Al and Peggy Bundy, respectively, You kids, most which seem to think lying and other unscrupulous things are okay (one kid was pretty okay, the rest are little sociopaths in training) seem to share you traits (a couple hate romance and the others don't care about family). While it's pretty cool that the kids (all SIX of them) have acquired traits from you both, I have to wonder how given your tendencies you even managed to have that many to begin with. Too bad you don't absolutely detest shoes: that would have been the icing on the cake.
Your amused overseer,
Nyx
Post by: Rince Wind on July 09, 2014, 11:40:42 am
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place and they scare some of our dwarves, maybe even your friends. They also try to steal stuff, which is worse.
So, don't hang around doing nothing. I have seen some bolts in the area, so you must be doing something, sometimes. I had no reports of you hunting or fighting though, so until you prove me wrong I will assume that you just put the bolts there to trick me into thinking that you go out hunting while you are drinking booze inside instead.
I know, it is nicer to be inside, but you came here, carrying a crossbow or at least knowing how to fire one, so go out and use, for Armoks sake!
sincerly yours,
the annoyed overseer
Post by: pisskop on July 09, 2014, 11:54:24 am
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place and they scare some of our dwarves, maybe even your friends. They also try to steal stuff, which is worse.
So, don't hang around doing nothing. I have seen some bolts in the area, so you must be doing something, sometimes. I had no reports of you hunting or fighting though, so until you prove me wrong I will assume that you just put the bolts there to trick me into thinking that you go out hunting while you are drinking booze inside instead.
I know, it is nicer to be inside, but you came here, carrying a crossbow or at least knowing how to fire one, so go out and use, for Armoks sake!
sincerly yours,
the annoyed overseer
Dear lowercased overseer;
Do not try to flatter us with you informality. We know you know as well as we that to hunt the monsters of the world (like doe hares, eagles, and the occasional giant wolverine) we require free quivers, assigned bolts of the specified material, to be told explicitly to hunt, and enough skill to motivate us to prioritize hunting over hauling or shearing or cleaning partying. Just disable our other jobs and then make sure we each have bolts and a quiver or that there is a free one in the stockpiles. Yea, we don't want to go messing with the bureaucracy or nothin', so jut picking up random and un-ledgered equipment is a big no-no.
Also, we hear Armok got bored with the old ways and reformed his habits, so perhaps there is an issue underlying this; a genetic inability to 'get right'. But I doubt it.
signed
The Hunter's Guild
Post by: Akura on July 09, 2014, 12:41:37 pm
Why. Just why would you name your daughter shit-eater?
Post by: Rince Wind on July 09, 2014, 01:05:20 pm
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place and they scare some of our dwarves, maybe even your friends. They also try to steal stuff, which is worse.
So, don't hang around doing nothing. I have seen some bolts in the area, so you must be doing something, sometimes. I had no reports of you hunting or fighting though, so until you prove me wrong I will assume that you just put the bolts there to trick me into thinking that you go out hunting while you are drinking booze inside instead.
I know, it is nicer to be inside, but you came here, carrying a crossbow or at least knowing how to fire one, so go out and use, for Armoks sake!
sincerly yours,
the annoyed overseer
Dear lowercased overseer;
Do not try to flatter us with you informality. We know you know as well as we that to hunt the monsters of the world (like doe hares, eagles, and the occasional giant wolverine) we require free quivers, assigned bolts of the specified material, to be told explicitly to hunt, and enough skill to motivate us to prioritize hunting over hauling or shearing or cleaning partying. Just disable our other jobs and then make sure we each have bolts and a quiver or that there is a free one in the stockpiles. Yea, we don't want to go messing with the bureaucracy or nothin', so jut picking up random and un-ledgered equipment is a big no-no.
Also, we hear Armok got bored with the old ways and reformed his habits, so perhaps there is an issue underlying this; a genetic inability to 'get right'. But I doubt it.
signed
The Hunter's Guild
Dear Hunter's Guild,
thank you for yor prompt reply. Your members do have crossbows and quivers full of bolts. During my previous assignements in other forts, they usually charged out as soon as prey was on the map, but I will try and lessen their possible workload and see, if they will then go out and hunt.
If not, I might be forced to conscript them into the military, which I would not like to do (yet).
yours truly,
the overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on July 10, 2014, 09:11:24 am
I realize that single-handedly engraving the walls of an entire fortress is an arduous task, and that after a while, you must begin to run out of topics for engraving, however I think you may have an overly narrow reference pool. For example one of your recent engravings, while unquestionably a masterwork of your craft, depicting you carving another masterwork engraving into another wall, itself a work describing another engraving you had done, seems a little overly self-serving. Perhaps you should consider broadening your creative horizons a little.
R/OS
Post by: Larix on July 10, 2014, 09:33:58 am
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place
Dear overseer,
The problem may lie with the way the common dwarf hunts - by going to the place where an animal was last seen and tracking it on foot. Keas, alas, are very unreasonable creatures and rarely move on foot. We can spot the places where they land, but whenever they take off again, we lose the track. We'll happily hunt more pedestrian animals, but outside of rare luck, birds are beyond our ken. Now, if you conscripted us into the military and gave us proper rank and military equipment, we might be able to do something about those annoying parrots.
Yours sincerely,
the Hunters' Guild, not at all lobbying to become the officially sanctioned Artillery Squad.
Post by: Rince Wind on July 10, 2014, 10:23:39 am
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place
Dear overseer,
The problem may lie with the way the common dwarf hunts - by going to the place where an animal was last seen and tracking it on foot. Keas, alas, are very unreasonable creatures and rarely move on foot. We can spot the places where they land, but whenever they take off again, we lose the track. We'll happily hunt more pedestrian animals, but outside of rare luck, birds are beyond our ken. Now, if you conscripted us into the military and gave us proper rank and military equipment, we might be able to do something about those annoying parrots.
Yours sincerely,
the Hunters' Guild, not at all lobbying to become the officially sanctioned Artillery Squad.
Dear Hunter's Guild,
so in a way you confirmed my suspicion that there is some paragraph in the service contract that forbids your members the hunting of these annoying pests. If my memory doesn't fail me, you used to hunt for giant birds just fine, maybe it is that these here are so small and don't yield any meat when butchered?
By the way, thanks for sending a master hunter, whom I gave no other jobs but to hunt.
I have since been transferred to another fortress, where I decided to conscript an otherwise unremarkable dwarf in the military as a marksdwarf.
This one now refuses to pick up some bolts, but I will try to persuade him later, when I get back to the fortress in question. I know he does not fall under your jurisdiction anymore.
regards
the overseer
Post by: Rince Wind on July 11, 2014, 01:43:34 pm
thank you for finishing that order of ten orthoclase statues. One of those is truly a masterwork and a marvel to look at. Though I have to say, that somehow I still like the finely crafted statue of Dodok the Safety of Prisons best. It is always a good idea to placate the gods, especially someone as stern as Dodok, god of law and oaths. Even you depict him as looking offended.
I don't think giants are as moved by art though. So, would you please explain, why all nine other statues you've made are depictions of Cor the giant? And all of them show the same scene, he is labouring, which clearly refers to him settling down in the Beak of Confinement.
That is a little boring, don't you agree. Until you made that masterwork, it was fine, you were really trying to get that scene down. But now, I would prefer if you found something else to carve out of the rock.
regards,
the overseer.
(yes, the world only has a history of 5 years, but still, 9 out of 10 statues showing the same damn scene?)
Post by: Walrusking on July 11, 2014, 01:57:33 pm
When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.
Regards,
Overseer of the reclaiming party
Post by: escondida on July 11, 2014, 03:28:35 pm
When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.
Dear Overseer:
Thank you for your feedback. The Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs is always glad to hear from our valued citizens.
If you would kindly take a moment to look over the language in §c, ¶5, of chapter 7 (Standard Procedures for Protection of Mountainhomes Intellectual Property and State Secrets) of your Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book, furnished to you at no extra charge when you signed your contract, you'll find that if a fortress must be abandoned for any reason, it is *vital* no Dwarven technology fall into the hands of our enemies. Surely you don't want to see goblins wearing our precious masterwork steel, or---Reg Furnacemountains (god of fortresses and war) forbid---an artifact! Imagine the havok that would ensue if humans had access to our mechanisms! To date, the most efficient method we have discovered for preventing any future non-Dwarven inhabitants of or visitors to a site from stealing anything dangerous is simply to leave the site in such a state of chaos that they give up hope of ever finding anything useful.
It is our sincere hope that you will read through not just chapter 7 but the entirety of the Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book. Remember, there are rules for a *reason*.
Yours sincerely,
Bomrek Datanbomrek,
Undersecretary for the Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs
Post by: Walrusking on July 11, 2014, 03:37:47 pm
When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.
Dear Overseer:
Thank you for your feedback. The Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs is always glad to hear from our valued citizens.
If you would kindly take a moment to look over the language in §c, ¶5, of chapter 7 (Standard Procedures for Protection of Mountainhomes Intellectual Property and State Secrets) of your Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book, furnished to you at no extra charge when you signed your contract, you'll find that if a fortress must be abandoned for any reason, it is *vital* no Dwarven technology fall into the hands of our enemies. Surely you don't want to see goblins wearing our precious masterwork steel, or---Reg Furnacemountains (god of fortresses and war) forbid---an artifact! Imagine the havok that would ensue if humans had access to our mechanisms! To date, the most efficient method we have discovered for preventing any future non-Dwarven inhabitants of or visitors to a site from stealing anything dangerous is simply to leave the site in such a state of chaos that they give up hope of ever finding anything useful.
It is our sincere hope that you will read through not just chapter 7 but the entirety of the Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book. Remember, there are rules for a *reason*.
Yours sincerely,
Bomrek Datanbomrek,
Undersecretary for the Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs
Dear Mr. Datanbomrek,
I see you have a point. Our reclamation team found what may have been goblin corpses strewn about. While the team's memory is quite fuzzy and we have no idea of the cause of this, we assumed the disarray caused the goblins to annihilate themselves. We will be sure to employ this tactic much more in the future. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: 10terrapin01 on July 11, 2014, 09:04:23 pm
Now, I know the vultures in the ruins of a fortress may be terrifying. I shall also grant you that dodging is good, it can save your life. But please, don't end up like Bomrek, 170 Z levels down and spread all across the floor. Watch your step.
-Your concerned overseer
Post Script to Ineth
Yes, your sibling just fell down the main stairwell and exploded into gore. However if you read the letter to the fort you will see she clearly disregarded the information. Now dwarf up and stop crying in the corpse heap, overcome by terror, next to your sister's dead body.
Post by: the1337doofus on July 12, 2014, 02:01:30 am
Why, pray tell, would you ignore the horrendous screams coming from the recently built magma forge room, that you just dug the magma channels for? Did it not occur to you that one of your fellow dwarves may be burning to death in there? Furthermore, WHY, WHY? Why would you dig under one another?! Are you secretly all murderers, hoping to kill your fellow dwarf? Thanks to your utter carelessness, we're one dwarf down, and even worse, it was the weaponsmith that you let burn to death in there. You idiots are lucky I don't order you all under an atom smasher.
-Your FUCKING FURIOUS Overseer.
Post by: Kumquat on July 12, 2014, 07:52:28 am
To Mr. Tarzan McHumanMerchant,
Your climbing skills are impressive, I admit that. You made all the way up there on a smooth dwarven wall. Your perseverance is even more impressive, since you took a whole two weeks to climb there.
Now get down and move to the depot. Your fellows are getting restless and they cannot start trading without your goods. And think of your poor cargo camel, running around to and fro trying to join you but the beast is totally incapable of climbing.
- The higher force guiding the resettlement effort of Cloisterdunes.
PS. Necromancers of The Good Trades: It was very nice of you to send a welcoming party. Next time, send someone who is alive rather than these elf zombies. Clawing off someone's face is not generally appropriate etiquette.
Post by: Panando on July 12, 2014, 07:41:35 pm
I can understand that Giant Peace Faced Lovebirds or whatever are extremely horrifying, in fact running away in terror is quite a reasonable response. Maybe. But, just but, isn't a squad of War Elephants [Fortress Defense enemy, steel clad] even MORE horrifying, and MORE worthy of running in terror from? You know, rather than running in terror from the Lovebird INTO the squad of war elephants, you should consider running in terror FROM the squad of war elephants, even if it means running TOWARDS the lovebird. Lesser of two evils and all that. Oh yeah and screaming "Help help!" was a cute trick, but the only kind of help a war elephant is going to give you is 'helping' you shuffle off this mortal coil.
PS. Not that it really matters. While you were being crushed to death by a stampede of war elephants, one of your fellow flee-in-terror from a lovebird-ee, the Weaponsmith who likes Adamantine, successfully dodged the elephants and ran with a couple of war elephants hot on his tail until the army intervened and saved his sorry ass. You'll be immensely gratified to learn that despite surviving the war elephants and he almost immediately died in the tantrum spiral following the war elephants massacring most the marksdwarves. Nearly no civilians survived. But the brave fighting dwarves came through intact and after the half dozen sane survivors finished building caskets, immigration repopulated the fortress. The moral of the story is that your sorry immigrant ass is not actually essential so this is one of those 'for your own good' notes.
Your Benevolent Overseer.
Post by: Bobnova on July 12, 2014, 08:22:36 pm
When I tell you to build a single floor tile and a single wall tile and disable all your other labors, I have a very good reason to want those things built now.
Enjoy your goblins and HFS.
--Overseer
Post by: Vgray on July 12, 2014, 08:34:12 pm
It's only a few bruises. I'm not even sure how a hospital would help you. Get back to work! Why were you even sleeping in that tree anyway?
Post by: TV4Fun on July 13, 2014, 08:08:25 pm
The designation of certain areas as being restricted is for your own safety and the safety of everyone else in the fortress. For instance, when I marked the are below our aquifer plug as restricted, it was because that area was about to be the site of a massive cave-in, and one should not be simply hanging out in it as you happened to be. Now our fortress was brand new, and we did not have many miners, so losing one after you died was a bit of a blow, but one we could have suffered. Normally I would have written this all off as dwarves being dwarves and that would have been the end of it, but you could not stop causing problems there. It was not long after that a vile cloud began to roll over the landscape, and seeing as everyone was a little too busy to haul corpses, and the top of my fortress was temporarily exposed due to the aforementioned aquifer plug, it was not long before you decided to come back to life and start rampaging around the fortress. My single militiaman disposed of you relatively quickly, but not before you had managed to kill a few cats and dogs. Soon they too came to life and the cascade effect that followed lead to a miniature zombie apocalypse that resulted in most of the population of my fortress being killed by zombie cats, dogs, and chickens, and the remainder fleeing the fortress in terror. So thank you very much for that, now I hope you understand that there is a reason these policies are in place, and ask that you please stop coming back to life and killing us. And as a note to all other overseers, when starting a fortress in an evil biome, FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK, BURY YOUR DEAD!!! That is all.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on July 14, 2014, 12:39:14 am
I don't know if you realize it, but you are the only one of the seven members of this fortress to have a weapon, armor, or any military training. With that in mind, I would really like it if, when I tell you to attack something, you actually attacked it. Instead of, say, wandering back and forth in the hall looking confused, going to grab some food, or taking a nap. I understand the fortress may not be the most pleasant place with all the spatters of pungent filth and vomit, but I would prefer it if you deal with the things wanting to kill us first and then take a bath afterwards. As it is, your hesitation has lead to the deaths of several members of our fortress at the hands of undead yak skin and neck hair (I know I told the butcher to shave the yaks before slaughtering them, but that's another story). We now have a fortress with a growing zombie uprising, again, and I sincerely hope that they save you for last, it would be quite amusing. I wonder if there's a way I can run a fortress consisting entirely of zombies, that would be extremely amusing.
R/OS
Post by: Romegypt on July 14, 2014, 12:49:10 pm
Please stop climbing into trees and jumping out of them. This is your third time, and you keep accruing more and more injuries. I can't heal you, and since your won't diagnose yourself, PLEASE REFRAIN FORM BOLTING OUT OF TREES FOR NO REASON
Thank you,
Urist expedition leader
ps:Now that you've killed yourself, none of my dwarves will work and they all starved. Thanks a lot bud!
Post by: martinuzz on July 14, 2014, 12:54:36 pm
In my ever so foreseeing wisdom, I gave you ALL 3 points in discipline when you embarked on your journey.
Now who gave you permission to let that skill rust ? Stop running I'm not going t .. aw nevermind, RIP
Post by: Walrusking on July 16, 2014, 06:29:33 pm
Now I understand that losing your friends to zombies is indeed bad news. Maybe we should have removed that werepig corpse after all (pork chops all around!) I also understand that you wish to give them a proper burial. This is fine. Now if I request you please do not run up to the zombies, suddenly turn and run away from the zombies, and repeat, that would help nicely.
Dear UristMcMarksdwarf,
A crossbow is a crossbow. It shoots bolts. It is not a warhammer. I mean, UristMcRanger seems to have the right idea. Please remember that in the fu- oh... ah. Well, nevermind.
Sincerely,
Your Overlo- I mean Overseer.
Post by: Bobnova on July 16, 2014, 09:53:08 pm
I know you saw a scary berserk dwarf while trying to plant plump helmets.
This does not mean that you need to start randomly attacking other dwarves.
The proper response would be to run away, then come back and plant more.
Not, mind you, run away and attack the first dwarf you see.
Thanks,
Overseer.
Post by: Williham on July 17, 2014, 03:23:05 am
It is worth noting at this juncture that the purpose of having a cat in the fortress is to have it eat vermin. This is a vital task for the health of the fortress, and is is therefore commendable that not only have you seen to it to adopt one of these majestic creatures, you have also adopted a male one, aiding in population control, another vital task for the health of the fortress.
However: It would have been much appreciated if you could have also adopted a cat that was not a complete fucking idiot.
If you wonder where your cat is, I can happily inform you that he has been found, alive and well. He has somehow gotten himself stuck in the butcher shop ventilation chimney, where he is clinging to a wall with a hamster in his mouth; and near as anyone can tell, he has been there for at least a year now.
Consider yourself lucky that your pet is one of vital importance, and that you therefore may well be reunited. Should this repeat itself, however, we will simply live with the various creepy crawlies.
Sincerely,
dean of records, Mido Poscoñe
Post by: TV4Fun on July 17, 2014, 06:42:16 am
For some reason, someone decided to drop a stone right next to the trench we had dug across our entrance, right in the space where I was planning to build the drawbridge. Because apparently builders are terrified of moving things, the drawbridge leading out of our fortress cannot be completed until someone moves this. You may note that there had been an order outstanding for months to dump this stone, and that when that didn't work, I put a stone stockpile about three feet away from it, yet no one seems to have moved it yet. This despite the fact that I have about 30 dwarves with the hauling labor sitting around idle, apparently unable to find anything to do. Access in and out of the fortress will not be possible until this stone is moved. However, despite the fact that a number of dwarves who were trapped outside when the trench was completed have died of dehydration or frozen to death, I do not want you to feel rushed in this task. I know that you will move this rock in your own time, and it's not like we urgently need caravans for anything. I know we're out of wood, so we can't really make anything, as we don't have any coal and are out of charcoal as well, but no rush on that. We have about 10 years worth of stockpiled food and drinks, so I suppose you can all sit around and drink yourselves silly in your own time, and hopefully no one is too attached to those dwarves who are stuck outside.
R/OS
P.S. While I fully support the democratic process and allowing you to choose your own rulers, if you elect another mayor who campaigned on the promise to ban exports of bags and boxes, you may notice portions of the fortress being accidentally flooded.
Post by: AernJardos on July 17, 2014, 12:03:09 pm
You are being investigated for treason and conspiracy with the Elves. That is the only reason I can possibly imagine that you would choose to take a barrel full of ammunition out of the ammo stockpile and then leave it on the surface, a hard slog away from the fortress. You then ignored all shouts to haul the barrel back inside, or at the very least haul it to a dump site inside the fortress. Due to such negligence and/or treason the only ammunition of all of DeepCrystal was promptly raided by monkeys whom we could not shoot as they had our everloving bolts. As an Elven caravan arrived just afterwards bringing with them tame monkeys and fresh ammunition to sell us, your ploy was far less stealthy than perhaps you had planned. Should you be found guilty of treason you will be sentenced to the Judgement of the Moon to live or die as Armok wills it.
Make peace with whatever gods you worship,
Your Overseer
Post by: Tawa on July 17, 2014, 01:55:26 pm
Thank you so much for testing out how well my stone-fall traps work! I can see it really did a number on YOUR FACE. Thank you as well for proving how well a few wooden crossbow bolts from a veteran hunter drafted into the military can disable your leg.
Sincerely,
Tawarochir
Post by: Bki on July 17, 2014, 05:05:16 pm
I understand that work is something to hard for you. I can accept your need to take break all the time. Please do it before or after your work on getting more passage through the aquifer. Three time I started a drain to the cavern, three time you took your break just at that moment where the framerate dropped rather than waiting to construct a mere 16 walls before doing so, and letting me free to handle more important tasks, such as getting your rooms done or walling off the cavern so a giant flying beast doesn't suddenly appear to condemn all of you to a horrible death.
Thanks,
Your OVerseer.
Post by: TV4Fun on July 19, 2014, 12:55:43 am
See that guy who's been following you around for the last few months? He's a diplomat. I don't know if you realize it, but a big part of your job as mayor involves meeting with foreign diplomats. Since you campaigned so hard to be elected as mayor, I kind of figured this was a part of the job you wanted and not just forbidding me from exporting things. Now I understand you need to eat, and drink, and sleep, and pick up equipment, and make clothing and such, but I'm sure the diplomat has things he would like to do too, and he can't do them while he's waiting for you to meet with him. So please, if it's not too much trouble, I would like to get this meeting over with some time during the current fiscal year, if you don't mind.
R/OS
Post by: Dunamisdeos on July 19, 2014, 04:43:46 pm
Are you a wizard? Perhaps you are a professor in Quantum Mechanics? Because when you built a floor supported by nothing but a bridge, everything went fine. That is, until you realized that this was impossible, and that the floor had apparantly been floating in mid air during its construction. After you realized what was happening, the floor literally exploded into dust where it stood, and the remainder plummeted 10z layers to (quite improbably) punch through multiple levels of dwarven masonry.
This is your friendly neighborhood overseer, telling you to observe the laws of nature at all times in the future.
Thanks
Post by: TV4Fun on July 20, 2014, 10:32:50 pm
Nice Try. Sure, that job to build the wall has been sitting there for roughly the last 2 years, and you kept insisting you were really busy and just about to get to it. And apparently when I set an alert and told everyone to get inside, you were just about to get to it, right? That's why you immediately suspended the job, said "Oh, just about to do that, but now I can't, I guess I'll wait another year before getting back to it." Yeah, nice try. Anyway, the goblins are dead, the alert is cancelled, that means you can go out right now and build the fucking wall. Get to it.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on July 20, 2014, 10:38:17 pm
We have lots of clothes in the fortress. You don't need to walk around naked. And you really don't need to throw tantrums about how embarrassed you are about being naked. All a tantrum adds to your nakedness is a propeller effect. Go look in the stockpiles or the leatherworks, trust me there's lots of stuff you can wear.
R/OS
P.S. That diplomat is still following you around, maybe you could take a break from picking up equipment from every corner of the map to go talk to him.
Post by: Chevaleresse on July 20, 2014, 11:16:09 pm
STOP PISSING OFF THE BADGERS. THEY'RE HALFWAY ACROSS THE MAP.
Post by: Lost_Deep on July 22, 2014, 02:46:50 pm
I know you don't like elves. That's no excuse to throw a party as soon as I tell you to get to the depot, and then proceed to party, by yourself, until the elves leave.
Seriously. You look like an idiot.
I don't care if the miner joined your party, he told ME that he was attending a meeting! A meeting, I might add, that no-one else was informed of!
Post by: sickboy on July 22, 2014, 03:06:04 pm
I know you feel important, being the commander and all, but let me be truthful, you only got the job because you could do nothing else and were not in terrible physical shape, you're nowhere near as good at fighting as I need you to be, so don't get cocky and please put on the whole armor suit I assigned you... I'm telling you to wear that armor instead of your clothes yet you won't even grab it... should you fail to comply... I won't do anything, the first goblin that's gonna throw a slice towards your unprotected face will be enough of a punishment.
Signed,
your overseer
Post by: martinuzz on July 22, 2014, 03:13:54 pm
I clearly promised you that I would not insult your mother.
And I didn't.
I did not insult her with even one single word, as I pulled the lever for excess soapmaker disposal, that sent her off to the magma.
I even told her 'have a nice flight'.
So why the **** are you tantruming?
Post by: arbarbonif on July 22, 2014, 03:34:13 pm
I appreciate your zeal in running towards your first actual combat, the Boas were annoying the haulers and your alacrity in response is appreciated. But you were just activated a few days ago, you don't have the kind of training that solo combat requires yet. Perhaps waiting for one of the swordlords would have been wise, they were just a little bit behind you after all.
But given that I have some questions about the wounds you were reporting. How exactly did you get bitten in your back teeth and subsequently die of poison? Boas shouldn't have poison. Why were you french kissing mutant poisonous boa constrictors. NEVER FRENCH KISS MUTANT POISONOUS BOA CONSTRICTORS! Really, that is underlined twice on the first page of the dwarven military manual...
Post by: Wrbrgrgl on July 22, 2014, 03:39:47 pm
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THOSE GOBLINS ARE JUST STANDING AROUD IN FRONT OF THE CAGE TRAPS, AND BETWEEN YOU AND THEM ARE THREE LAYERS OF FORTIFICATIONS, SEVERAL UNLOADED CAGE TRAPS(your fault UristMclazycarpenter), AND MANY LOADED STONEFALL TRAPS.
FIRE THE GODDAMN BALLISTAS!
AND STOP MANAGING TO FLY AT THROUGH THE AIR AT OTHER DWARVES AND BREAK YOUR SKULL, AND THEN FALL DOWN THE STAIRCASE (looking at you UristMcOnce-A-Fisherdwarf-Now-a-Mechanic-Now-Deceased)
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Side question, Do goblins starve?
Post by: samanato on July 22, 2014, 05:47:46 pm
Side question, Do goblins starve?
Goblins have [NO_DRINK] and [NO_EAT], so they can't starve.
Post by: AdjustingPriorities on July 22, 2014, 08:41:31 pm
Put on the steel helmets I had lovingly crafted for you BEFORE attempting to stare the GCS to death. You might live longer that way.
Post by: Torrenal on July 22, 2014, 09:36:32 pm
I understand why you wanted to watch and eat your lunch. All jobs were completed, everyone else had left, and it was time to turn the water on.
I admit, you deserved to watch. You helped install the plumbing.
But did you have to do so from inside the plumbing?
Did you have to bother telling me that the torrent of water upset your meal?
Above all...
Did you have to open the door to escape the plumbing, causing some 1500 urist of water to wind up where it wasn't wanted?
I am leaving instructions of 'Dump' with your corpse.
Your Overseer.
Post by: TV4Fun on July 23, 2014, 12:35:23 am
Please read the following frequently asked questions regarding animal care in dwarf fortress:
Q: What happens when a yak has no grass to eat?
A: It starves to death.
Q: What happens when a creature starves to death in the middle of an evil biome?
A: It turns undead before anyone has a chance to move.
Q: What happens when an undead yak corpse starts rampaging around in the middle of a crowded pasture?
A: It quickly kills other animals, who also become undead, a chain reaction ensues.
Q: What happens to a pasture full of undead animals in the middle of a crowded fortress that has not had time to build doors yet?
A: They quickly leave the pasture and start killing surrounding dwarves.
Q: What happens when you have undead dwarves and undead animals rampaging around inside a fortress?
A: They rapidly outnumber the living until there is no one left to do any killing. Soon the entire fortress is undead.
Do we understand each other? Oh well, too late. I am quite confident that whoever's yak it was will be regretting the decision very quickly.
R/OS
Post by: Chevaleresse on July 23, 2014, 03:50:13 am
It is not acceptable to allow your crops to wither because you were hungry. Really. Think about this for a second.
Post by: 94dima94 on July 23, 2014, 04:32:35 am
I know what a terrible thing sleeping on the floor is: it's cold, dusty and uncomfortable, so I understand that anyone forced to do such thing has all the rights to be upset and angry.
I also know that you were having a bad time, and more bad thoughts would have been dangerous in your situation.
That's why I had already ordered the miners to dig out all those bedrooms, then made other dwarves smooth the walls and fill them with all the furniture a dwarf needs.
Since at least 10 of them are still without any owner and properly marked as bedroom, I expected you to be able to figure out what to do when feeling drowsy; instead, you went to sleep in the tunnels, next to the miners who were digging out other bedrooms, by the way, and the bad thoughts made you go crazy and jump in the river. Isn't this an excessive reaction, by the way?
You were just an adequate woodcutter, and you didn't have many friends, so you won't be missed so much; however, you could at least have dropped your axe before doing it. Now I have to wait for the merchants before being able to cut down more trees, we're out of wood, and we probably won't have enough beds for the next migration wave.
I expect you to be a little more smart next time.
Post by: Nikita on July 23, 2014, 08:14:43 am
You are old enough to know that a civilian alert means "GET THE FUCK INSIDE", not "stand around while poking farm animals with a stick"
In light of your recent behavior, our new guest volunteered to take over your education.
Urist Junior, meet berserking werebear.
Werebear, meet Urist Junior.
Post by: Jorn Stones on July 23, 2014, 11:49:09 am
I had my hopes put into you, made you both a hunter and Captain of the first Militia Marksdwarves. However, you dissapointed me dearly. You were allowed to pack as much as 100 bolts with you, yet you run out of the fortress with a tiny fraction of that to hunt this two-humped Camel. Now the most important thing in cases like this, which I've made sure to inform the squadron you previously commanded as well as the others, is that in the event that you do run out of all the bolts you had on you, YOU DO NOT PANIC AND GET STRUCK BY SHEER TERROR AND RUN INTO THE NEAREST POND TOGETHER WITH YOUR BABY AND DROWN BOTH YOURSELF AND YOUR POOR GIRL TO DEATH WHILE SAID CAMEL IS LAYING UNCONSCIOUS IN THE GRASS.
sincerely, the Overseer.
P.S: If you come across Urist McFisherdwarf in Hell or wherever you went, sincerely tell him not to run into a tree and try to hide there when a cyclops is attacking the fortress. Although I'm sure he regretted that decision greatly when the Cyclops punched him and he went flying of the tree and crashing into the ground.
Post by: escondida on July 24, 2014, 11:09:14 am
Dear whatever jackass decided to bring the yak to the middle of a frozen wasteland that regularly gets rain of abhorrent filth,
Please read the following frequently asked questions regarding animal care in dwarf fortress:
Q: What happens when a yak has no grass to eat?
A: It starves to death.
Q: What happens when a creature starves to death in the middle of an evil biome?
A: It turns undead before anyone has a chance to move.
[Snip]
Do we understand each other? Oh well, too late. I am quite confident that whoever's yak it was will be regretting the decision very quickly.
R/OS
Dear Overseer Arost (that is how you pronounce that, right?),
The original plan was to build rails from the Mountainhomes to our new home and ride in comfort to this benighted wastescape, but noooo, the king wouldn't hear of it. "It is tradition," he whispered, red-faced and apoplectic with rage. "Minecarts are for quantum stockpiles, moving magma, throwing objects at high velocity, and unfortunate accidents. Wagons are for settling new fortresses." And so it was settled! When the king stops shouting and starts talking like that, you listen.
When we arrived at our awful, disgusting, freezing new home, we sort of lost control of ourselves and fell under the sway of some maleficent force. I know it was evil and wanted its to die, because otherwise, I suppose it would've had us dig a pit to dump the poor beasts in before they could starve and rise again. So don't blame me!
Yours sincerely,
Såkzul Datanreg (deceased)
Former expedition leader and crown-appointed yak wrangler
(Edit: "magma," not "mama")
Post by: TV4Fun on July 24, 2014, 06:46:29 pm
I am very sorry you were stung by a bee. I am sure it was very painful, and thank you for informing me about it. In future though, please reserve the message feed for more important matters, like splinters, stubbed toes, misplaced, socks, vomiting from exposure to the sun, and not having a fluffy enough pillow to go with the silk sheets on your feather bed.
R/OS
Post by: TV4Fun on July 25, 2014, 11:01:46 pm
Hey, could we have a word about this siege thing? I mean, normally I don't mind so much, you know, you come in with a bunch of trolls and dragons and stuff, we close the gates, fire a few bolts at you, you hang around outside and do some military exercises or whatever, it's good fun all around. Normally I'm not that perturbed by it, but this is the third siege this year. Really, we have been able to get very little done cause we've been locked inside. We ran out of wood months ago and are even running out of bituminous coal to run our furnaces. I know you want our wealth and all that, but really, how are we supposed to generate any wealth when we can't trade with any caravans? I was thinking maybe we could make a deal to limit sieges to one a year, preferably in the spring when the elf caravans come. How about this, you limit it to one a year, and when you come I'll send out a squad of a couple inexperienced dwarves with steel armor for your militia to practice on, and then you can take the armor when you're done. Sound fair? I think so. You do this, everybody wins, you get some loot and your militia gets to have some fun, and I don't have to spend a bunch of dwarf-hours building a goblin meat grinder and a bunch of siege engines to get rid of you. Really, neither of us wants that. Think it over.
V/R
Overseer of Laboredfrenzies
P.S. I'm sorry if we've been a little inattentive during this last siege, only we've had a few forgotten beasts with deadly dust come through and kill most of our population. We've gone down from 156 to 8, so if you could at the very least let through a few migrant groups, I would appreciate it. If you must kill someone, try to limit yourself to fishery workers and cheese makers and the like. Thanks.
Post by: Solon64 on July 26, 2014, 06:04:04 pm
Dear Atu NgokGoblin,
...been locked inside.
That's the point of a siege silly, to stop trade and starve you out. Go dump magma on them, cmon, dorf up! Grow a beard man!
Post by: TD1 on July 26, 2014, 06:15:01 pm
You gotta read this. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=120751.msg5012771#msg5012771)
Post by: Jorn Stones on July 26, 2014, 06:22:49 pm
-Overseer
Post by: MeMyselfAndI on July 26, 2014, 07:25:25 pm
When I say "dig a 50 z-level vertical shaft for my main driveshaft", I don't mean "have one dwarf climb all the way to the top and start digging down dropping rocks on the head of everyone digging up."
Rocks hitting dwarves makes their bodies fall in turn. Can you say "cascade effect"?
I have four dwarves dead and one in hospital who is unable to stand now. And they were all legendary miners too!
-Your overseer who wishes to show you firsthand what gravity does. Now go stand over there on that hatch over the volcano...
Post by: Meneth on July 27, 2014, 03:55:03 am
Dear Urists,The safe way to dig multi-level channels is to (d)ig out every level normally first, haul the stone away, and then dig the c(h)annels. And even then you have to be careful about miners digging out the floor that another miner stands on. You might want to restrict mining to a single dorf for the duration of the channeling, or set up individual, separate burrows for each miner.
When I say "dig a 50 z-level vertical shaft for my main driveshaft", I don't mean "have one dwarf climb all the way to the top and start digging down dropping rocks on the head of everyone digging up."
Post by: TV4Fun on July 27, 2014, 04:30:57 am
*crash, new version dowloaded*
Let's try that again.
Dear Armok,
Explain to me why you build a time bomb into every animal. This is the only explanation I have for why, on the first day of spring, I always have three or four animals die of "old age" at the exact same time. I can only assume that each one must have a little device implanted in their heads that kills them at a precisely predetermined time, and that each one must have been born at the same instant for them all to reach their ends simultaneously. Now I am not opposed to a little random death, but this seems quite amusing to me.
Your humble and devoted servant,
An Overseer
Post by: Solon64 on July 27, 2014, 07:27:05 am
Wait. Solon? Heh.
You gotta read this. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=120751.msg5012771#msg5012771)
Epic read sir! Truly epic.
Admittedly, my forum name is not based on any dwarf fortress names. Imagine my surprise when I first started playing this game that Solon was a dorf name. My tag is actually based on the Ishap priest from Return to Krondor, I always felt that character was a badass and never got the attention he deserved in that game.
Alternately, Solon was the name of an ancient Athenian statesman back in the day, so there's that too.
NecroThreat's Solon is equally as badass it seems, and is ironically also pitted against the undead. Perhaps your Solon is channeling the spirit of my Solon? :D
Post by: TD1 on July 27, 2014, 11:04:12 am
Post by: UltraMagnus on July 27, 2014, 12:23:01 pm
I commend your bravery, but please refrain from rushing in large groups into the filling moat for a bag of clay.
Sincerely,
the Overseer
Post by: yugy on July 27, 2014, 02:30:18 pm
I know I've been very busy lately. But could you explain where rather large amount of FBs meat came from? No security breach was reported.
Sincerely
Your actually little impressed Overseer
Post by: Akura on July 28, 2014, 10:25:41 am
When I say pull the lever to open your isolation chamber, the lever that only you can access, the lever that is specifically assigned to you, that does not mean to disintegrate the nearby, unlocked and unlevered lead door. I still don't know how you did that, you weren't even transformed. Plus, I canceled the order and you went over to pick up some more of your clothes, and then went back to disintegrating the door after I re-added the lever pull order. Now please proceed to that room with the spikes.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Werebeast dwarf,
When I assign you to a one-dwarf squad and station you inside the room, please go into the room, and not stand outside the unlocked door. That room is for your own good, and more importantly, much, much more importantly, for the good of everyone else.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Werebeast's wife,
I didn't realize you were in the squad that was sent retrieve your husband's corpse. I apologize for your emotional shock. I will say he died in one of the most dignified ways a dwarf can die: repeatedly impaled by multiple iron spikes, screaming in agony as his legs are shattered multiply times, eventually taking seperate spikes to the heart and lungs before choking to death on his own blood, alone and seperated from his loved ones.
Sincerely
Overseer
Post by: Nikita on July 31, 2014, 05:04:52 am
If I give you a "move" order, and then give you some other order, that means I no longer want you to go there. In fact, when I give you the "cancel order" order, that specifically means you are NOT to charge across half the map into your death just to reach your old destination. It certainly does not mean that as soon as your reach that destination, you should again charge across half the map to a destination that stopped being relevant an hour ago.
You and your squadmates going out, killing just one zombie, and returning home at all has been has been nothing short of a miracle.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
PS: Seriously, you must have, like, super-getting-lost skills. You could go missing in a straight corridor and impale yourself on flat ground if I don't tell you where to go.
Post by: Fat Friar on July 31, 2014, 11:52:58 pm
Imagine my surprise when mere days after your immigration to humble Anvilcrab, you immediately ousted the former mayor, who lived a simple life of admiring dacite, billon, and kea leather, and had been gladhanding the constituency for the two years since he founded the fortress. I wondered, who is this dark horse who appeared out of nowhere demanding the mayoral suites, and why are all these cats' names on the voter registry?
Still, I tried to give you a chance despite your frequent mandates to increase trumpet production. When you forbade the export of bins, I even wondered if you had some long-playing plan at work as I arranged your "mining accident". I mean hey, maybe you knew something about running a fort that I didn't, as the giant boars still locked in the abandoned hospital might indicate.
I almost felt a twinge of guilt as I handed you a pick and told you about the Best Mayor Ever Award waiting for you by the white sand pillar. Then you earned your award in spades.
I realize that your hovel in the corner of the tetrahedrite mines was not quite up to the par of the former mayor's accommodations, but you showed a complete disregard for your duties as a leader when you spent two months carrying mittens from the stockpiles to insulate the floor. I understand that after completing such a lovely interior decorating job AND singlehandedly revitalizing Anvilcrab's trumpet industry, you felt entitled to rest on your laurels a bit, but another two months of vacation smacks of indulgence. I suppose you earned a break, as well as every single ounce of turf that will shortly engulf you.
Welcome back from your break, Mr. Mayor. You're just in time, there's a ribbon cutting ceremony on our new strawberry farm. Yes, by the white sand pillar. Don't forget your pick.
Without the slightest bit of regret,
Overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on August 01, 2014, 01:14:14 am
Dear Urist McMayor,This is why you always build a floodgate into your mayoral quarters.
etc.
Without the slightest bit of regret,
Overseer
Post by: ICBM pilot on August 01, 2014, 03:58:30 am
Could you please explain to me why all you can cause a forgotten beast's abdomen to collapse into a pile of gore by punching it, but when you use your +silver mace+ all you can do is bruise it's fat.
I hope you die and your body is never found,
The Overseer
Post by: Verjigorm on August 01, 2014, 04:17:58 am
I understand that you came to our fortress with high hopes, to master the fine art of carving fish into pieces. Perhaps tastefully arranging them on a nice porcelain plate, which of course, we could produce from our rich stocks of koalinite. Which is a high and noble dream, but sadly, conflicts with the reality of Sunken Door, where we don't eat fish. Or fish. It's dangerous out there, with all those trees encroaching on our fortress. But what we do have need of is someone to carry things, be they barrels of booze, logs of wood, doors, chairs, beds, giant wooden corkscrews(those are actually, very important! High Value, please sign for this!), and rocks.
Maybe it was a boring job, but it was an essential one. And I speak for everybody when I say that it was completely unacceptable to react as you did. After all, as a competent swordsdwarf, with a smattering of other skills, you were well posed to become my Militia commander, and so I had high hopes for you, but first we had to get the water out of that pit over there and open a way to real stone as well as a source of water. And that meant that I needed you hauling, not carving up fish. Yes, I understand that the planters were relieved of hauling duties, or anything other than keeping track of the records, growing, cooking and brewing our plants. That we all need to live.
Deciding that you were Uma Therman and taking a sword to them was beyond the pale.
Post by: escondida on August 01, 2014, 04:53:14 pm
It has come to my attention that you, as you were leaving the fort, decided to take your mule for a swim in the moat. The moat that you've surely noticed is much deeper than it was earlier, when it was bone dry. The moat which is beside the 5-tile-wide paved road our finest architects spent quite a bit of time building from fresh-baked bricks. The moat which I intend to fill with alligators.
You know what? You want to risk your life like an idiot? By all means, go right ahead; I can't really bring myself to care about your fate. But please, in the name of whatever gods you worship, commit suicide somewhere else. I do not want to clean the hundreds of garbage items you and the mule will drop all over the map. If I wanted them, I would have paid for them.
Let's keep this professional, alright? Take your personal life...or death...somewhere else.
Yours sincerely,
[illegible]
Post by: Echostatic on August 01, 2014, 07:20:21 pm
I recognize that all dwarves have the right to take a break every now and then. However, we do not have the ore to make iron or steel in the area. We badly need the steel bars the traders have brought, and we need you to handle the trading. Please, in the future, try to schedule your breaks around their arrival, rather than taking it as soon as they start to unload.
Edit: Never mind, it seems the liaison didn't give the traders the memo... No steel bars. really? *really*? Eh, whatever. Carry on then.
Post by: Zarathustra30 on August 02, 2014, 02:49:53 am
Could you please resume cleaning those fish that your fellow dwarves have caught? I know you are hungry, but that could be solved by in a different manor than hunting vermin for food.
Thank you for your consideration,
-Overseer
Post by: Chevaleresse on August 02, 2014, 02:52:08 am
There are plenty of shirts and pants to go around. You didn't have to walk around naked, throwing the occasional tantrum.
Post by: escondida on August 02, 2014, 01:03:41 pm
Look, when I decided to allow that rat that nibbled its way out of the elves' cages and therefore stuck in the unit list to be adopted as a pet, I figured it was still hanging out near the depot, not at the top of a tree across the map. I understand that you're not sure where it is, and so cancel your Seeking Pet job, but...listen, you've canceled that job literally hundreds of times in the last few seconds. Don't you think maybe you ought to just give up on it altogether?
Sincerely,
The Overseer
P.S.: Thanks, at least, for being considerate enough to condense the announcements with a (x103).
Post by: locustgate on August 02, 2014, 02:13:17 pm
P.S. STOP IDLING AND GET TO BUILDING THE OUTER WALLS OR ELSE I WILL DRAFT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
Post by: Spehss _ on August 03, 2014, 03:55:10 pm
We, the newly founded outpost of Shotfists appreciate the migrants you sent us. More dwarves is always helpful for any small fortress.
However, we must question your logic. Out of the 8 dwarves you sent us, 1 was a child, 1 was a peasant, 1 was an administrator, and no less than 3 were fishery workers. Novice fishery workers. Sent to live on the side of a mountain in a cold badlands out in the midst of a landlocked countryside with no water for miles around except for a massive wall of glacial ice. There is no fishing. This is a prime anti-fishing spot.
Thanks for the haulers, but seriously, there is no fishing anywhere near here.
Hopefully this isn't the start of some nefarious scheme to rid the mountainhomes of all their fishery workers by exporting them all here.
Yours, the dwarves of Shotfists
Post by: UltraMagnus on August 05, 2014, 10:28:39 pm
The overseer knows where you dropped your baby. Do you know where you dropped your baby?
Sincerely,
(http://i60.tinypic.com/n3ls2d.png)
Post by: Swonnrr on August 05, 2014, 11:38:34 pm
When we arrived, I gave you a random Iron Sword, and told you to start training.
You immediately named it "Slaughterhaunted the magical savage".
Then never used it for the next 3 years, instead training in wrestling with your team until you were basically hulk's little brother.
Then the weretortoises came. Two in a year.
You slapped their head off. With Slaughterhaunted the Magical Savage, an Iron short sword.
You friggin bitchslapped them into orbit with a rusted iron plate. Twice.
I like your style. Pleace carry on.
Post by: krg on August 05, 2014, 11:42:27 pm
No. Go away. I dont want you anywhere near my dwarves.
Dear spirits of the fey,
I am getting tired of my dwarves getting possessed, please visit my fort sometime. It has a lovely waterfall, and I will do my best to get the goods you need.
Singed;
krg
Post by: LMeire on August 06, 2014, 02:08:53 am
You are most certainly not stranded. I saw you climb up to that precipice yourself, you can climb down too.
PS: If you're not in the mines by the time your colleagues finish up the gold-vein, I'll bring you and the rest of the cliff down by force.
Post by: thplonk on August 06, 2014, 03:13:32 am
Yes, he was a child with enormous potential. Yes, his artifact could have been good, even great. And yes, perhaps a little supply chain management could have prevented the senseless tragedy ending with his poor innocent body being torn to pieces by war dogs. I understand that emotions were running high.
Still.
The answer to this problem was not to split into two separate groups, slaughter the medical staff, and then fight each other to the last man.
I expect better.
- The Overseer
Post by: blazing glory on August 06, 2014, 03:31:36 am
And then fight each other to the lastmanDwarf.
Fixed it.
Post by: Solon64 on August 06, 2014, 06:54:31 am
To Our Militia,
Yes, he was a child with enormous potential. Yes, his artifact could have been good, even great. And yes, perhaps a little supply chain management could have prevented the senseless tragedy ending with his poor innocent body being torn to pieces by war dogs. I understand that emotions were running high.
Still.
The answer to this problem was not to split into two separate groups, slaughter the medical staff, and then fight each other to the last man.
I expect better.
- The Overseer
Incorrect sir, this is EXACTLY the correct course of action. The medical staff were traitors to the crown. As were the militia who slaughtered them as innocent civilians. And any of the militia who killed the traitor militias. The Great Purge was needed in the fortress, for the good of the fortress.
Sincerely, Urist McStalin
Post by: TacoSundae84 on August 06, 2014, 11:44:40 am
I realize you were holed up in the fort under undead siege for over a year, but you had plenty of work to do and I rarely saw any of you loafing about. However, you somehow managed to sneak in a fort-wide orgy in that time, and now we've had 13 babies within the past two weeks - just about one from every female who lived here at that time. While this made nearly everyone in the fort become overwhelmed with joy, this will not remain true when the next undead siege comes, and I have to send you out to chop up some zombies with babies hanging off your chests.
At this point, I can only hope the next one of you to become possessed invents the dwarven chastity belt, menacing with glass spikes for extra insurance.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Gojira1000 on August 06, 2014, 03:23:58 pm
While you have, in fact, been working hard for meager rations and a pair of ragged xalpaca_wool_socksx, deciding to fall asleep in the entry tunnel is neither wise, nor attractive for arriving diplomats and traders. Especially as you had your very own bed.
Further, to then decide to sleepwalk into the loaded weapon traps nearby, spraying the assembled traders with gore and body-parts, does not enhance our mercantile discussions. In fact, the merchants and many of your fellow workers immediately vacated the area, suitably horrified.
This is not helpful behavior.
Yours,
The Overseer
Post by: krg on August 06, 2014, 03:41:09 pm
I know that just last year you were not able to climb trees, but that is no call to climb every single one of them. Actually, its not that you are climbing trees all willy nilly, but that for some reason known only to Armok you are all insisting on trying to learn how to fly while you are up there. You do not have any flight capabilities andanytimein going to gain any anytime in the foreseeable future. So, in conclusion, STOP JUMPING OUT OF TREES!!! We do not have a hospital to speak of at this time and you're too injured to work. Not enough people for this yet.
So again, please climb out of the trees instead of jumping, and may your arms not be broken.
Signed;
krg
Post by: Dorf and Dumb on August 06, 2014, 06:10:22 pm
Post by: Mohreb el Yasim on August 06, 2014, 06:51:18 pm
When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.
Dear Overseer:
Thank you for your feedback. The Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs is always glad to hear from our valued citizens.
If you would kindly take a moment to look over the language in §c, ¶5, of chapter 7 (Standard Procedures for Protection of Mountainhomes Intellectual Property and State Secrets) of your Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book, furnished to you at no extra charge when you signed your contract, you'll find that if a fortress must be abandoned for any reason, it is *vital* no Dwarven technology fall into the hands of our enemies. Surely you don't want to see goblins wearing our precious masterwork steel, or---Reg Furnacemountains (god of fortresses and war) forbid---an artifact! Imagine the havok that would ensue if humans had access to our mechanisms! To date, the most efficient method we have discovered for preventing any future non-Dwarven inhabitants of or visitors to a site from stealing anything dangerous is simply to leave the site in such a state of chaos that they give up hope of ever finding anything useful.
It is our sincere hope that you will read through not just chapter 7 but the entirety of the Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book. Remember, there are rules for a *reason*.
Yours sincerely,
Bomrek Datanbomrek,
Undersecretary for the Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs
Dear Mr. Datanbomrek,
I see you have a point. Our reclamation team found what may have been goblin corpses strewn about. While the team's memory is quite fuzzy and we have no idea of the cause of this, we assumed the disarray caused the goblins to annihilate themselves. We will be sure to employ this tactic much more in the future. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Overseer
In the name of the goblin liberation movements suicide squad i must officially reject those kind of imperialistic speculations !
Our brethren have fought the glorious battle against the army of free goblins right after your site was taken. After our glorious victory our fellow soldiers committed their martyr duties to show by this act that the dworfen oppression must end!
Never be their names forgotten!
Sincerely,
Slexu-xor
Post by: Loimulohi on August 07, 2014, 01:53:43 am
Although I understand your undying, perhaps even somewhat unhealthy love of fishing, I would like you to exercise caution in your actions while doing so. What I'm especially referring to is the case of the skylight. I am not aware of the exact circumstances that lead to this, but believe me that if I close the front gate and the fishermen's gate to the bottom of the valley and wall off the single side door we had, I have the best of reasons to do so and forbid you from going to the bottom of the valley to fish from the river.
Now I'm sure you know of this already and I'm glad that you've learned your lesson, but it would've been nice if you had not climbed out of the skylight we have in the fortress and subsequently died in the river so it would be easier to retrieve your titan-mangled body.
and to Urist McFrontlineCrossbow
I'm ashamed to say that your services in the militia are no longer needed as we prefer dwarves to pancakes. I'd still like to congratulate you on your bravery in defying orders of staying on the safe side of the fortifications and shooting the titan entering our trap and instead running headlong into the trap corridor only to be crushed like a bug.
Good riddance to both of you
-Your Most Benevolent Overseer
Post by: Chevaleresse on August 07, 2014, 02:26:42 am
No, seriously, plant the goddamn seeds. We need those plants to not starve to death, and you can, believe it or not, pick up those seeds left behind in the dining room.
Post by: ICBM pilot on August 07, 2014, 02:42:06 am
Why did you have to go insane right before we could breach the aquifer?
Post by: TheFlame52 on August 07, 2014, 11:09:28 am
You are a terrible person. One of your mandates wasn't met again (this is a two-year-old fort, stupid), so you put a guy in jail. Do you know who it was? The fucking caretaker, the guy who has no jobs but to take care of the wounded. And then you let him die of neglect in the middle of the hallway. Yes, I know, that was everyone's fault, but I feel like I shouldn't have to designate food stockpiles by the chains. But you, you snooty bastard, had the gall to be horrified at seeing his dessicated corpse. Congratulations, you are responsible for the first death in the fort. I was hoping we could have a nice, peaceful fort as the last bastion of dwarfkind, but you ruined it. I knew you were going to be how this fort died way back in year one when you declared yourself king. Time to make a coffin industry.
Sincerely and fuck you,
Flame
And now the already unhappy mayor, who was the caretaker's husband, put a bone carver in the hospital. I hope you're happy.
Post by: escondida on August 07, 2014, 11:13:22 am
Dear Urist McSecretiveWeaponsmith,
Why did you have to go insane right before we could breach the aquifer?
Dear Overseer Icy Beam,
Arghlbaargle aieeeeeeeeee f'tang fweep fweep. Jnagkploshk. Qbgurgle, nooooooooooooo!
Sincerely,
Urist McMad
Post by: ZzarkLinux on August 07, 2014, 04:41:53 pm
In an effort to prepare you for the future, please take a copy of the following bulletin:
Do not climb into the trees,
lest you fall and break your knees.
And please dont climb volcanic rocks,
just to path to surface +socks+.
Some undead limbs have zero mass,
so dont fight them, just build walls fast.
And please don't start a baby flood,
they'll die, and rise, and thirst for blood.
So keep this pamplet in your hands,
that you may live, in Joyful Lands.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Post by: Aristion on August 07, 2014, 06:02:27 pm
Dear residents of The Joyful Land of Ghouls,
In an effort to prepare you for the future, please take a copy of the following bulletin:
Do not climb into the trees,
lest you fall and break your knees.
And please dont climb volcanic rocks,
just to path to surface +socks+.
Some undead limbs have zero mass,
so dont fight them, just build walls fast.
And please don't start a baby flood,
they'll die, and rise, and thirst for blood.
So keep this pamplet in your hands,
that you may live, in Joyful Lands.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Thanks but no thanks. We know what we are doing in this fort and we will be fine.
With love,
The dorfs
P.S.
We love the poem.
Post by: yugy on August 08, 2014, 08:01:14 am
Your caravan departed according the plan. Everybody was fine and alive. Nobody was dead nor slowly burned to ashes.
P. S. Your next caravan should arrive from east. There was a small accident and whole wester side of mountain is flooded with magma and we are not able to plug the leak.
Post by: blazing glory on August 08, 2014, 08:27:22 am
I am pleased to see that you decided to come to our fortress,I am also sorry for the unfortunate drowning of your 5 children,who were your sole companions,I am investigating these strange circumstances that led to your children being in a small underground burrow,which was then sealed and a miner channeled the ground causing the stream to flood in.
In the meanwhile you should send letters to the mountain home that large quantities of children who can't work and whose deaths wouldn't cause a tantrum spiral will not be suited to surviving in a fortress.
Kindest regards,the overseer
Post by: Olith McHuman on August 12, 2014, 01:23:02 am
I realize that my decree "Rock salt boils at 9901" may have come as a shock to you. Indeed, it had a rather cool reception in many places. But "My workshop just evaporated!!" is not a good reason to go kill your fellow dwarfs. (however, going stark raving mad would be a totally understandable response)
Dear Urists,
What do you mean you had to endure the decay of a friend? We have plenty of coffins...
They were made from rock salt weren't they? Oh my.
Post by: ComatosePhoenix on August 12, 2014, 12:50:36 pm
How the heck did you get on top of the wall? you were never part of the military, you were never anywhere near danger, yet there you lie, dead, on top of a 4 z level high wall.
at least your disapearance has not contributed to the tantrum spiral any, apparently your out of the line of sight for all the other dwarfs, and your friends are blissfully unaware of your demise.
I'll take it,
bemused overlord.
Post by: Urist McShire on August 12, 2014, 10:27:30 pm
I understand that we're at war with the Elves. I understand that we were at war before the great fortress of Autumnalbells the Armor of Angels was even founded deep in the jungles in the heart of elven lands at the foot of dwarf mountainhomes. However, please do not let these pesky tree-huggers and those annoying goblin bands deter you from coming to our humble colony, as there is wealth beneath the trees and we need every able-bodied dwarf who can raise an axe or pick to strike the earth.
Sincerely,
The Overseer who is still struggling to get by after over 2 years without a single immigrant to augment his starting seven.
Post by: Baffler on August 12, 2014, 11:25:21 pm
I'm sure you know why I'm writing to you, but I'd like to go through it again to make sure you understand the gravity of the situation. Your and your squad held the barricades admirably, wounding 3 goblins before forcing them to withdraw without a scratch on any of you. I was very pleased with your performance. You were truly a credit to the veteran sergeants program, I thought, taking on 9 unskilled recruits and molding them into capable soldiers and marksmen despite the scarcity of metal ammunition. Or so I thought.
I admit, this was partially my fault. You were untested in melee so far and your wooden crossbows, though very well made, are not ideal for close combat. That said, I don't think it was unreasonable to expect the ten of you to be able to dispatch a lone, unconscious, unarmed (in more ways than one,) crippled goblin. Explain to me, Uvash, how only you and the goblin survived the fight. Every last one of your men is dead, and frankly I'm at as much a loss as the goblins must be, who our spies report has been given the admittedly impressive name Snang Scorpionworry the Sinful Sects of Odor for his improbable victory.
Despite your failure and my own misgivings I've decided to give you a new squad to command, as you are now the only dwarf in the fortress with any military experience. So... don't let it happen again.
Yours,
The Management
And those deaths kick off a tantrum spiral, and he's dead. As well as most everyone else.
Post by: escondida on August 13, 2014, 04:24:34 pm
Dear Captain Uvash, [snip]
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: UltraMagnus on August 13, 2014, 09:05:59 pm
It is forbidden. Asking why is irrelevant.
DO NOT GO INTO THAT CANYON DURING YOUR BREAK.
Sincerely, an overseerer who wishes that you had a better respect for authority.
Post by: IronTomato on August 14, 2014, 01:20:59 am
Do you remember why you came with me? No? I'll tell you then. I can't travel alone at night, or the bogeymen will get me. It's not because I need you for fighting, I'm too good for that. I need you to just stay with me, so the bogeymen stay away.
That does not mean that you should stop following me at the river without saying so. Y'see, I didn't notice you were gone, and I went to sleep. Now I'm being eaten by bogeymen as I write this. Tell my carrier pigeon he's a real bro.
You had one job,
Your fellow adventurer
Post by: Baffler on August 14, 2014, 11:04:24 am
Dear Captain Uvash, [snip]Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I'd sig it, if only it weren't so long.
Post by: escondida on August 15, 2014, 12:20:39 pm
Post by: da_nang on August 16, 2014, 11:18:36 am
Please explain to me, how in Armok's name you are able to teleport in and out of the fully sealed fortress and subsequently get mauled by Giant Tortoise corpses.
Sincerely, Flabbergasted Overseer.
Post by: thefish1992 on August 16, 2014, 12:15:24 pm
I'm sorry. i truly am. i knew i should have brought an anvil with me, i knew it but didn't to save points, and i fully take blame for you not getting that forge in time. but did you have to go insane right when the humans came into the trade depot with a anvil? I was so hopeful for you, i even had some steel rushed for you... so close, so close.
Regretfully yours
Thefish1992
Dear brewer
Bug off. i know you rig last mayor election. i want the butcher back as mayor, all he wanted was doors, but you? spears and catapult parts!
i can live with the spears, but catapults? i would launch you off a bridgeapult if you were not such a skilled brewer. now stop briding and blackmailing people with booze, and let my doorman have his mayor position he has earned.
Sinisterly
Thefish1992
Dear Fey Mason
Ok that is a very nice cabinet, i approve immensely but i do have one question....
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whats it's other name?
Ever Curious
Thefish1992
Post by: Torrenal on August 16, 2014, 04:10:28 pm
Please, when you are considering having a mood:
Please steer clear of Masons shops, craftdwarf shops, and above all else, avoid possessing spirits.
One artifact armor stand is more than plenty, and the king adores it.
Two artifact doors are one more than I have use for.
One artifact hatch has remarkably found use. The other remains in the stockpile.
The artifact casket is adored by our king.
The artifact leather robe is nice in that it broke from tradition and produced a Legendary dwarf...but I've now got a surplus in leather clothes, quivers, and backpacks.
The matched set of figurines are.... cute. Would have been better if they depicted dwarves.
I'm thankful for the spare Legendary Mechanic after Urist McVampire ate the first one, but seriously I've now got a glut in masterwork mechanisms.
Eleven moods total, and eight of them posessions?! None of them for weapons or armor?
Why do you think I've been training half of you to forge weapons? For more doors?!
Annoyed, your overseer.
Post by: Bumber on August 16, 2014, 11:31:43 pm
Ok that is a very nice cabinet, i approve immensely but i do have one question...."A gneiss cabinet."Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whats it's other name?
They thought it was a very gneiss pun.
Post by: Tacomagic on August 16, 2014, 11:33:05 pm
Ok that is a very nice cabinet, i approve immensely but i do have one question...."A gneiss cabinet."Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whats it's other name?
They thought it was a very gneiss pun.
I take gneiss puns for granite.
Post by: Baffler on August 17, 2014, 12:30:47 am
Post by: KippLeKipp on August 17, 2014, 12:31:10 am
Please try to engrave things other than the symbol of our civilization. You are an artist, not a gang member.
The Managment
Post by: Bumber on August 17, 2014, 04:29:29 pm
Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
Post by: tahujdt on August 17, 2014, 09:05:02 pm
Rock puns may be bad, but don't take them for granite.Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 17, 2014, 09:14:05 pm
I'm sorry you guys couldn't make it across the river to visit my very much not prepared for you fort. You guys would have had a lot of fun! But someone bent on mischief decided to pull the level and retract the bridge when you arrived. I will give you props for patience. Half of your number waited for a while, then left. The rest of you finallt just now shoved off, too. Thanks for ridding the monkeys while you were ehre, though. those little bastards were pissing me off!
I promise to be better prepared, and give you all a VERY warm welcome next time.
Yours,
The Overseeress of Basementblowing
Post by: Aristion on August 17, 2014, 09:15:51 pm
Rock puns may be bad, but don't take them for granite.Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
The slightly derailed topic has hit rock bottom.
Post by: Tacomagic on August 17, 2014, 09:23:49 pm
Rock puns may be bad, but don't take them for granite.Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
The slightly derailed topic has hit rock bottom.
I chalk it up to an unnatural love of puns. It mica be better if we wipe the slate clean and start again.
Post by: TD1 on August 17, 2014, 09:40:49 pm
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 17, 2014, 10:58:22 pm
Seriously though, I love these rock puns.
Post by: khearn on August 18, 2014, 12:45:22 am
Post by: Urist Mc Dwarf on August 18, 2014, 07:51:28 am
Post by: escondida on August 18, 2014, 08:37:28 am
Post by: pisskop on August 18, 2014, 10:37:34 am
Post by: TD1 on August 18, 2014, 10:47:57 am
These rock puns are coal, man.
They're to dia-mond for.
Post by: the1337doofus on August 18, 2014, 02:08:49 pm
I beg to differ; they're quite the borax.These rock puns are coal, man.
They're to dia-mond for.
____
A note to the Carpenter of Ican'tbearsedtolookatthename:
You are a carpenter/lumberjack. Now, I understand that yes, that Tiger is quite scary. However, for once, I don't want you to hit it with your axe; I want you to run the fuck away. This, however, is not what you did. Instead, you decided to try and take the tiger on.
Thanks for losing the axe and dying- The Overseer.
Post by: Bumber on August 18, 2014, 07:14:51 pm
(I think we may be in for some pumicement if these puns continue.)
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 18, 2014, 10:16:07 pm
You came in with the merchants, all well and good. But then I get a combat report and see that you successfully hit and then dodged yourself? WTH? I blame
Stop hitting yourself,
Me
Post by: krg on August 19, 2014, 12:13:41 am
Truly a marble to behold.
(I think we may be in for some pumicement if these puns continue.)
They are gniess and all, but we should be adamantine about staying on topic.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on August 19, 2014, 01:00:02 am
Truly a marble to behold.
(I think we may be in for some pumicement if these puns continue.)
They are gniess and all, but we should be adamantine about staying on topic.
This thread rocks. My pun-making skills simply shale in comparison.
Post by: Ornstein on August 19, 2014, 09:44:38 am
I understand you want to get the dead cat off the mine tracks. I forbade it for a reason. That means you should not go and get it. Especially after seeing the tracks as restricted. And to those that followed, I understand you want to retrieve Urist McMiner's corpse and belongings, but in jumping into path of the minecart rocking back and forth over two spaces, you are only COMPOUNDING THE CORPSE PILE.
Thank you for not killing yourselves.
Post by: pisskop on August 19, 2014, 10:25:56 am
Note to Urist McHauler; Re: Suicidal practicesyea no, restricted doesn't work if the object they want is in the restricted zone.
I understand you want to get the dead cat off the mine tracks. I forbade it for a reason. That means you should not go and get it. Especially after seeing the tracks as restricted. And to those that followed, I understand you want to retrieve Urist McMiner's corpse and belongings, but in jumping into path of the minecart rocking back and forth over two spaces, you are only COMPOUNDING THE CORPSE PILE.
Thank you for not killing yourselves.
Traffic zones work by artificially inflating the distance between the goal and the dwarf. by default, the 'restricted' zone makes every 1 tile into 25 for the purpose of pathing. So, only if the dwarf could save 25 steps by walking into 1 tile of restricted area would they consider it. Since all paths lead into the restricted zone there is no way to avoid it. And they will still go. Gotta lock the area away or shut off the track.
Post by: ptb_ptb on August 23, 2014, 12:27:28 pm
Congratulations on your ability to push a wheelbarrow full of stones at a commendable speed to the rock stockpile. However, I wonder if it has occurred to you that when placing a surplus wheelbarrow to be stored itself you do not need to carry it over your shoulders? In future please imagine it contains an 'invisible stone' and push it in your usual fashion.
Post by: Foxite on August 24, 2014, 07:11:20 am
Please explain the gneiss pun... I honestly don't get it.
No really, I don't.
Post by: Minnakht on August 24, 2014, 07:24:38 am
Dear dwarves, and all the members of this forum,
Please explain the gneiss pun... I honestly don't get it.
No really, I don't.
http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/1082:_Geology
Post by: WordsandChaos on August 24, 2014, 08:55:19 am
So one of friends died of dehydration. You threw a tantrum because there's nothing to drink and, quite literally, ripped the head from a cavy sow.
One should point out, at this juncture, that you are the brewer and the cook.
The death of your friend is on your head, and you don't get to decapitate the local pets because you're too lazy to do your job.
Thanks again,
The Overseer.
Post by: TacoSundae84 on August 24, 2014, 01:28:59 pm
I appreciate the fact that your 9 man squad was able to tear through the 80 goblin/troll force that marched on our fort. You'll all be hailed as heroes, with new rooms and your own personal war bears (once they grow up anyway). However, did you really have to do it be severing every possible limb of each of the invaders?
What could have been about 80 hauling jobs has turned into far more than I want to count. There's not enough dwarf power in the world to haul all those heads, torsos, legs and arms (upper and lower) to the refuse stockpile before the miamsa starts to spread. I better not hear any complaints about it from any of you, or those new rooms might come installed with magma pipes.
With warm regards,
Your Overseer
Post by: escondida on August 24, 2014, 02:19:37 pm
Dear dwarves, and all the members of this forum,
Please explain the gneiss pun... I honestly don't get it.
No really, I don't.
I'll take you at your word. It's a homophone for "nice," or at least spelled in a way that you could choose to pronounce it that way (could really be pronounced "niece," I suppose).
Post by: Minnakht on August 24, 2014, 02:35:32 pm
Dear Urist McRambos,
I appreciate the fact that your 9 man squad was able to tear through the 80 goblin/troll force that marched on our fort. You'll all be hailed as heroes, with new rooms and your own personal war bears (once they grow up anyway). However, did you really have to do it be severing every possible limb of each of the invaders?
What could have been about 80 hauling jobs has turned into far more than I want to count. There's not enough dwarf power in the world to haul all those heads, torsos, legs and arms (upper and lower) to the refuse stockpile before the miamsa starts to spread. I better not hear any complaints about it from any of you, or those new rooms might come installed with magma pipes.
With warm regards,
Your Overseer
That is just conjecture from someone who updated the wiki page.
Can't you just set their bodies out until they rot and use the bones anyway? Either way it should just be a quick edit of the ethics file and back to merbutchery.
In that case, why not just alter all creatures' raw entries to have arbitrarily high value value modifiers?
They decompose into an unbutcherable skeleton. To get bones (of anything that leaves a skeleton) without butchering, you need to kill them in a way that guarantees dismemberment. Then only the body will become a skeleton while the limbs and head decompose into a skull and indivdual "bones." This is how you can get the occasional goblin bone crafts/bolts.
And yeah, if you want to do this, add value multipliers in the raws.
I'd consider this an upside myself.
Post by: Optio_Pootis on August 24, 2014, 03:28:10 pm
I know you're angry about being dehydrated. That doesn't make it okay for you to murder the whole fortress with a copper pickaxe.
Sincerely, every member of the fortress of Lemonale.
P.S: Please don't touch the golden drum, it's rather nice and I'd like for it to not be lost.
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 24, 2014, 09:18:38 pm
While I realize that many weight matters occupy your brilliant mind, one of them really ought to be on getting those farm plots set up. Brilliance can't outwit starvation, I'm afraid.
Yours,
The Tonal Architect (Overseer) of Fightracks.
Post by: escondida on August 29, 2014, 10:02:41 am
Why should I bother setting up farm plots? I put a dozen barrels in an out-of-the-way stockpile, came back two weeks later, and they were all filled with food! Mind you, I had to fight some anonymous bandits to get to it, but it worked! As a bonus, I accidentally left a -coffer- I was hauling nearby, and I found a full set of masterful steel plate inside, though I had to fight a giant robot thing to get to that. Two weeks later, I fought the same bandits and robot and got more free food and armor! Tell me again why you want me to waste time farming?
Yours sincerely,
Ngerthamek the Dwemer
Post by: Urist McShire on September 03, 2014, 03:38:26 pm
The fortress is running out of booze ever since we got that wave of thirty-two new dwarves making our glorious hold their home. I do not appreciate you going on break for half a month when we only have six units of dwarven wine left in the booze stockpile.
Sincerely,
The Overseer (who is beginning to bite his nails hoping nobody goes for a drink until you return to your post)
Post by: Staalo on September 04, 2014, 12:56:14 am
we're all very happy of your progress as a member of your assigned militia squad. For what I've heard, your conduct has been exemplary and you're truly an asset to our small but efficient military. However, as the Overseer, I have to relay a message from your squad mates and the general fortress populace:
For Armoks sake, please put some pants on.
You have been strutting around the fortress with your dwarfy bits flapping in the wind for two years now and people are really starting to complain. We have some very nice steel greaves and piles of masterful leather pants just waiting in the stockpiles. Go ahead and help yourself.
At this rate you're bound to have some sort of sparring accident that will put an end to your dreams of raising a family. Seriously, put some pants on. And get a pair of boots too, while you're at it.
Regards,
The Overseer.
Post by: pisskop on September 04, 2014, 02:38:26 pm
Please construct the special odered wooden doors in a timely fashion. While we were waiting, idly, for you, the siege was broken by their own retarded-ness, and now we have a zombie problem instead of a siege problem. And we still have a poison gas spewing BD that needs doors. Stop hauling body parts and rocks around and make the damn door.
Post by: than402 on September 06, 2014, 04:40:53 am
There is plenty of space in our food stockpiles.To be sure,i also made a new one.I couldn't help but notice,however,that no matter what,you prefer to lounge in the dining hall,leave our harvest to rot and only pick them up after they have withered.I just want you to know that when you inevitably starve,i will be laughing with your stupidity while pondering the similarities between your situation an a certain Aesop's fable...
Truly yours,
Your overseer who doesn't care about anything anymore
Post by: Urist Mc Dwarf on September 06, 2014, 07:13:41 am
Post by: TD1 on September 06, 2014, 08:23:32 am
Post by: Nyxalinth on September 06, 2014, 09:40:48 am
Dear Overseer Nyxalinth,
Why should I bother setting up farm plots? I put a dozen barrels in an out-of-the-way stockpile, came back two weeks later, and they were all filled with food! Mind you, I had to fight some anonymous bandits to get to it, but it worked! As a bonus, I accidentally left a -coffer- I was hauling nearby, and I found a full set of masterful steel plate inside, though I had to fight a giant robot thing to get to that. Two weeks later, I fought the same bandits and robot and got more free food and armor! Tell me again why you want me to waste time farming?
Yours sincerely,
Ngerthamek the Dwemer
Well played, sir, well played. Too bad that supposedly ultra super rare obscure lore related KIMUNE showed up and wasted everyone.
Post by: WordsandChaos on September 06, 2014, 09:46:55 am
About three years ago I told you dig a channel out of the river so we could freeze the water, dig the tunnel out, hook the and flood the reservoir in the spring.
I designated all plants for processing and harvesting and brewing.
None of you would brew despite your labour settings. Nobody channeled the water way because apparently some random hole in the ground, a hundred levels below, was more important. Nobody would link the lever to the floodgate because on the safe side of the floodgate you were standing on (oh no!) a slight incline. Truly treacherous terrain.
Three years later about 30 of you have died from dehydration. If Trem is the only surviving one of you for the second time in a row, and has to wait until more migrants show up, I won't give a god damn ounce of care. You're dead because you wouldn't save yourselves.
Added to this, three years ago I ordered slabs engraved for various ghosts. there are now six ghosts and nobody has yet to lift a damn finger despite a plethora of slabs and engravers. As a result, your only hope against any violent force has just been beaten bloody by about three of them. She's the only one among you who's worth piss in an olive jar.
You're all getting wooden caskets. You're all getting haphazardly stacked in the caverns. You're not worth the burial hall. You're all dead by Spring and I don't remotely care. If the goblins come after that I'm strongly considering letting the bastards in. You're all worthless.
Now shut up and die quickly,
The overseer.
Post by: Quartz_Mace on September 07, 2014, 12:59:27 am
Now, I generally don't have a problem with your kind. In fact, under different circumstances ou would be our champion, single-handedly wiping out 70 Goblin sieges, but I found you in other circumstances. You started by killing my legendary miner. They found her rotting carcass drained of blood. Then, you killed a CHILD. That's the future of our military when he's 12! After you were convicted of these murders, I had you imprisoned, but somehow you managed to win an entire political campaign as you were dragged down the hall to your cell, replacing the old mayor that I liked. After over a year of incarceration, you were released, met with a liaison, and went about your foul deeds, draining yet another child and a legendary mason. Needless to say, I forged a hammer and appointed a special noble.
100 hammer strikes later, you're sitting here in the hospital with no teeth, broken bones, and an infection. You have been refused treatment. The old mayor was appointed as baroness. You're done.
Please stop killing my Dwarves while I isolate you and prepare you for war. Your bloodlust would be better served on Goblins. If you do not conform, you will die.
Your petty Overseer.
Post by: Illogical_Blox on September 07, 2014, 01:09:39 pm
Please make beer in time. It was in the queue for ages. I had to turn off all other jobs to make you do it. Dwarves were getting very thirsty, and we need good quality goods for the caravans!
Post by: 94dima94 on September 08, 2014, 12:04:31 pm
I can only guess how you could achieve such an incredible ability in your job. You could be able to feed the entire fortress by yourself spending a day at the river!
Notice how I said you COULD do it? That's because you seem to forget something quite important.
You see, dwarves don't like raw, unprepared fish for dinner; they usually want someone to do something with it, to make it actually possible to eat.
I also noticed that you are the only one who is able to do such thing in our fortress, being as good at fish cleaning as you are at fishing. i foolishly expected to do such thing sooner or later.
Anyway, this doesn't matter anymore. Do you hear that noise? I'll explain to you what that noise is.
My fortress is still young, I don't have a single door yet, and I just had time to dig an underground water tank (that doubles as your fishing zone) before before hiding from the giant wolves outside; therefore if you capture and leave at your feet dozens of fishes, they will sooner or later start to rot and spread miasma everywhere. Now, you might be estatic for your great life, but somebody else is not. And that cloud of miasma happened to be the final blow to their sanity. that's why we now have two berserk dwarves in the meeting hall, killing everyone on sight. Also, one of them is our miner. He will find you in a minute.
Our fortress is doomed, and it looks like it was your fault... Great work.
Sincerely,
your sad, sad Overseer.
Post by: pisskop on September 08, 2014, 01:47:46 pm
You see what happened? Why did you do it, man? We had to send the whole military to save you ass. And 5, no 6 so far, dwarves have died because of you. Why did you try to pick up some random sock in the forbidden zone, after I lost the locky door? Your punishment will not be administered by me, rather fate has seen to it that you should wallow in your own blood as you are too conscious to recover but not unconscious enough to get bad thoughts from being a dumbass.
You darn moron, die in a fire. but come back inside before another siege.
Overseer.
Post by: Boothby on September 08, 2014, 07:41:40 pm
Deear Urist McFisher,
I can only guess how you could achieve such an incredible ability in your job. You could be able to feed the entire fortress by yourself spending a day at the river!
Notice how I said you COULD do it? That's because you seem to forget something quite important.
You see, dwarves don't like raw, unprepared fish for dinner; they usually want someone to do something with it, to make it actually possible to eat.
I also noticed that you are the only one who is able to do such thing in our fortress, being as good at fish cleaning as you are at fishing. i foolishly expected to do such thing sooner or later.
Anyway, this doesn't matter anymore. Do you hear that noise? I'll explain to you what that noise is.
My fortress is still young, I don't have a single door yet, and I just had time to dig an underground water tank (that doubles as your fishing zone) before before hiding from the giant wolves outside; therefore if you capture and leave at your feet dozens of fishes, they will sooner or later start to rot and spread miasma everywhere. Now, you might be estatic for your great life, but somebody else is not. And that cloud of miasma happened to be the final blow to their sanity. that's why we now have two berserk dwarves in the meeting hall, killing everyone on sight. Also, one of them is our miner. He will find you in a minute.
Our fortress is doomed, and it looks like it was your fault... Great work.
Sincerely,
your sad, sad Overseer.
Well, Yer Overseershipness, it's like this: I cannae clean the fish if I am catching fish, and I cannae catch the fish if I am cleaning fish. I can only do one at a time, ye see? And, well, when I think about what do do, catching fish seems like much more fun then the cleaning part, so I go grab me rod and catch another most of the time. It's my weakness, I suppose. If yer so all fired up to have the fish cleaned, why not get the cook to do it, or that lazy farmer git? Now where did I put that bait?
Oblivious-to-doom Urist McFisher
(No it doesn't make sense, and yes, it seems neater somehow to just give your Fisher all the 'fishing' skills, but they will most likely go fish some more when that labor is enabled, and seldom/never get around to cleaning the catch apparently. Have someone else set to clean.)
Post by: Thisfox on September 09, 2014, 05:29:45 am
I realise you like milking. I'll even find someone else to make the cheese, that's fine. We could use some cheese. We totally could. And we have buckets and barrels and pots, no problem.
You even brought your own animals, I realise that too. But... Sorry mate. You might think you're an expert on milking, but this is going too far.
I mean... we cannot milk a migrant bull nor a migrant cavy boar nor a peacock. You do know that these animals you brought with you are MALE? It just can't be done. So... until someone else thinks to bring some female milkable animals, you're on other duties okay?
--Your exasperated leader.
Post by: Urist McShire on September 09, 2014, 03:25:44 pm
Well sir, I brought the animals with me. I know tha' they canno' be milked. But you see, me ma did no' want to come 'ere in the first place, an she told me, she did when I was leavin' that I could no' take the females wit me. So I was hopin' that ye had cows I could milk already 'ere, and that me bull would start gettin' a chance to burn the midnight oil with some new heffers.
Post by: pisskop on September 12, 2014, 03:57:38 pm
I understand we produced limited quantities of green glass windows. Mostly because we bought special clay. We have none on hand nor any on site. So when we do pick some up via trade, you need to stop throwing a hissy fit long enough to make a box. You mandated it, you build it, you construct it. Good day, Baron Fikod HissyPants.
-Overseer.
Post by: StagnantSoul on September 12, 2014, 04:07:28 pm
What the hell are you doing down there? I walled off that cavern for a reason. Yes, I know you can climb and fight, but this doesn't mean you should go into the caverns. Look at you, you're half equipped, and you only have cave water and plants to eat down there! I can't unlock that area, or the trolls will get in. Why don't you just climb back out, and start killing the goblins topside, like I asked?
-Frustrated ruler.
Post by: Chipperbane on September 14, 2014, 03:31:29 am
It's been three hundred and seventy four days since the necromancer came. It's been three hundred and forty days since his horde of fifty zombies killed a cougar - which he then resurrected - which then decided to maul the necromancer to death.
This is all rather well and good, but unfortunately, the horde has yet to leave and is taking its time going around and murdering the indigenous wildlife. Myself and the children continue to struggle, but our stores of food do not falter.
I find it ironic, darling, how I wish that the goblins might lay siege to my home.
The only solace I can take from this is that we threw the werebuffalo corpse down a deep dark pit long before the necromancer got her.
Yours,
Urist
Post by: Chipperbane on September 14, 2014, 07:10:30 pm
On 12th of Granite, the year 40, you successfully completed OPERATION PEARWOOD FOREST, even though you were lost in the throes of a strange mood. With the work of the architect, REDACTED, and the miner, REDACTED, we opened a breach in the mines directly in front of a pile of pear tree logs after setting up a bridge to serve as a stopgap once retrieval was a success. Without wasting time, you grabbed the logs, got the hell out of dodge, and we had the bridge up in no time.
I'm pleased to announce that soon, despite the horde of fifty rotten corpses stalking the Aboveground, you'll be a legendary metalsmith, and will be stationed to make an unending storm of Golden Statues.
No lives were lost during this operation.
Mission success. I will implore your overseer to grant you a barony when the time comes for your bravery.
Post by: Staalo on September 16, 2014, 04:06:59 pm
yes, we have received your demand of a... lead bed to be placed in your tomb. Now, we always try to fulfill our nobles' wishes, but if you think for a moment about the current state of Dwarven artifice you'll realize yourself why this kind of item simply can not be done.
Your rule of Searingmines so far has been trouble-free and I'm almost tempted to say enlightened, given how well you have supported the fort's mission with your mandates; therefore I'm willing to let this one slide. However, if you insist on demanding impossible things I can guarantee you that something else will be placed in your tomb instead.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: WanderingKid on September 16, 2014, 04:30:06 pm
yes, we have received your demand of a... lead bed to be placed in your tomb. Now, we always try to fulfill our nobles' wishes, but if you think for a moment about the current state of Dwarven artifice you'll realize yourself why this kind of item simply can not be done.
What version of DF are you playing? Anything like that should be a request, not a mandate, and can be reasonably ignored unless you're verging on a Tantrum Spiral.
Post by: Staalo on September 16, 2014, 04:50:47 pm
What version of DF are you playing? Anything like that should be a request, not a mandate, and can be reasonably ignored unless you're verging on a Tantrum Spiral.
40.11. Yes, that was a demand, not a mandate... and I'm going to ignore it for now. It does however hint that my duke could be losing it; next it'll be mandates for slade crafts and I'll have to start planning for all that tedious "unfortunate accident" business.
Post by: khearn on September 17, 2014, 01:50:59 pm
Post by: Urist McShire on September 19, 2014, 09:59:33 pm
NO! Run away from the horde of zombies! AWAY! There are 50 of them and you're an untrained grunt! Why are you so eager to become the first dwarf to be buried in the fortress?
Post by: bigjaredmonkey on September 20, 2014, 09:35:42 am
please do not take three whole months to dig out a dormitory, and a stockpile. i will not come save you the next time a pack of wolves comes to eat one of your legs.
Post by: bigjaredmonkey on September 20, 2014, 03:32:30 pm
dont go on break, i need the meeting area dug out so none of your fellow idiots are stuck outside being murdered by peregrine falcon men.
Post by: MobRules on September 20, 2014, 05:08:59 pm
Yes, i agree that was a bad place to meet with a diplomat. So why didn' you use your opulent, every-surface-engraved throne room, instead of meeting the diplomat outside in the rain next to the refuse heap, and then whining about it?
PS: the reason you couldn't find someone in charge to yell at is because you ARE the guy in charge.
Post by: pisskop on September 24, 2014, 12:57:15 pm
Why you so hollow so high? dick move, bro.
Post by: WordsandChaos on September 27, 2014, 12:47:34 pm
I don't even know what to say at this point. Six people are dead. I think by now it was last year that I told you to pull a lever in the dining room. That place where you're all hanging out. Not a sodding one of you will pull the damn lever and then you get angry about it. Don't look at me for this problem, you incompetent pricks, this is your fault. Your families and your friends are dead, and you're pissed off and the reason for all of this woe is because all of you are too busy doing nothing to reach out and pull a lever.
Congratulations.
Post by: Walrusking on September 29, 2014, 10:58:02 am
How in Armok's name did you know there was a cave in about 150 z-levels down JUST AS WE EMBARKED.
Dear Urist McSmith/ Architect
We have that moat NOW. You are not on break. Get your arse to the wood lying around and build the bridge before we trap half our embark party into a cave.
Also, to all dwarves, please note we will be selling your clothes now. I don't want to pick up 200+ bits of clothing thrown around after trying to reclaim the last fort.
Post by: MobRules on September 29, 2014, 11:33:01 am
The proper response to a breach of the third cavern layer is NOT to risk your lives streaming out en mass to collect worthless refuse left scattered on the ground by the ant people.
Dear Urist McHorrified,
Yes, I imagine that it would be a bit unsettling when you discovered that the kitchen refuse pile suddenly contained the mangled corpses of about two dozen various underground creatures, including a troll. What can I say? You live with a bunch of freaks.
Post by: h0lx on September 30, 2014, 06:14:51 am
I understand you love your shield so much, that all your seven kills including a giant were aquired by bashing their heads in with it. But for the love of Armok, That masterwork steel axe, you have in your other hand was not an easy thing to forge, especially on an embark with no iron ore, flux stone or coal, please use it.
Post by: Larix on September 30, 2014, 07:14:23 am
Greetings all,
I don't even know what to say at this point. Six people are dead. I think by now it was last year that I told you to pull a lever in the dining room. That place where you're all hanging out. Not a sodding one of you will pull the damn lever and then you get angry about it. Don't look at me for this problem, you incompetent pricks, this is your fault. Your families and your friends are dead, and you're pissed off and the reason for all of this woe is because all of you are too busy doing nothing to reach out and pull a lever.
Have you installed a labour template (e.g. via Dwarf Therapist) which doesn't include the "lever operation" labour? It's a labour under "other jobs" now and if no-one's allowed to do it, that amounts to you explicitly telling everyone not to do it (and then getting annoyed when they follow your orders).
Another way of blocking a lever is to enable a workshop 'P'rofile on the lever itself, specifying a single dwarf (preferably one without the labour active) or a minimum skill (dwarfs gain no skill in lever operation). PS: and you can forbid the mechanism the lever is built from, either via i't'em viewing its components or by the d-b-f designation; forbidden workshops/buildings are off-limits and can't be used until reclaimed.
Yet another possibility is that a dwarf who can't reach the lever took the job. Unfortunately, those jobs sometimes fail to cancel properly; you'd have had to suspend/unsuspend the job to un-stick it (check the "j"obs list if in doubt). But if the lever forever only showed "pull the lever" with no green "A" (for "active", currently in progress) sign next to it, it's pretty much guaranteed that the overseer misconfigured the lever/labours somehow.
Post by: Pirate Bob on September 30, 2014, 07:23:23 am
Dear Urist McAxedwarf.Does Urist McAxedwarf have misc. object user skill (used for bashing with shields) higher than axeman? In arena testing I have found that dwarves favor using the weapon with which they are more skilled pretty heavily, so if this is the case you could have him train without a shield until his axeman skill is higher than his misc. object user skill.
I understand you love your shield so much, that all your seven kills including a giant were aquired by bashing their heads in with it. But for the love of Armok, That masterwork steel axe, you have in your other hand was not an easy thing to forge, especially on an embark with no iron ore, flux stone or coal, please use it.
I didn't specifically test shields (I found that they will use swords/axes etc instead of crossbows in melee combat if their sword/axe skill is higher than their hammer skill), so it may not be relevant in this case. He may just be
Post by: Devstorm on September 30, 2014, 08:41:49 am
Bits of bones and animal bits are clogging the butcher chop. Also, vermin remains litter the food stockpile. Why won't you and your dorfy brethren pick them up? I've got refuse collecting turned on, and dwarves are set to gather refuse. And there are plenty of idlers who could be dealing with this! What is the problem?
Post by: Insanegame27 on September 30, 2014, 08:52:30 am
Get your worthless butt out from under the drawbridge so we can lower it.
And taking a break in the middle of a siege doesn't help.
Dear All Other Urists
No, i don't care about you losing your spouse or your sock, I don't want you going to harvest that giant cave spider silk from that GCS while it's still alive.
I want you to finish the magma pumpstack, not destroy the lever that operates the drawbridge.
You ignorant little fucktards
Post by: h0lx on September 30, 2014, 09:04:28 am
Dear Urist,Maybe the refuse stockpiles are full?
Bits of bones and animal bits are clogging the butcher chop. Also, vermin remains litter the food stockpile. Why won't you and your dorfy brethren pick them up? I've got refuse collecting turned on, and dwarves are set to gather refuse. And there are plenty of idlers who could be dealing with this! What is the problem?
That's interesting, I will look into it, when home
Does Urist McAxedwarf have misc. object user skill (used for bashing with shields) higher than axeman? In arena testing I have found that dwarves favor using the weapon with which they are more skilled pretty heavily, so if this is the case you could have him train without a shield until his axeman skill is higher than his misc. object user skill.
I didn't specifically test shields (I found that they will use swords/axes etc instead of crossbows in melee combat if their sword/axe skill is higher than their hammer skill), so it may not be relevant in this case. He may just beinsanea dwarf.
Post by: Devstorm on September 30, 2014, 09:08:09 am
Dear Urist,Maybe the refuse stockpiles are full?
Bits of bones and animal bits are clogging the butcher chop. Also, vermin remains litter the food stockpile. Why won't you and your dorfy brethren pick them up? I've got refuse collecting turned on, and dwarves are set to gather refuse. And there are plenty of idlers who could be dealing with this! What is the problem?
No, they're pretty much empty. It's a newish fort.
Post by: Tacomagic on September 30, 2014, 09:15:49 am
Dear Urist,
Bits of bones and animal bits are clogging the butcher chop. Also, vermin remains litter the food stockpile. Why won't you and your dorfy brethren pick them up? I've got refuse collecting turned on, and dwarves are set to gather refuse. And there are plenty of idlers who could be dealing with this! What is the problem?
Known bug. In the 'o'rders menu, turn on outside refuse and vermin collection. Right now the logic is inverted. Stone acts the same way when you try to dump it.
Post by: Walrusking on September 30, 2014, 11:40:02 am
Everyone,
As much as I appreciate the catapult tower and sky walkway projects going smoothly, it has come to my attention that our entrance looks... well... disgusting. Now I know everyone's busy partying and suffering from dehydration, but if someone can please remove the hamster carcasses scattered around our trade depot, we might actually get a trade caravan this season. No, the refuse stockpiles are not full, neither are they far. They're where the tombs are, only 4 z-levels down.
Urist McThirsty,
Yes, I understand it's important to drink. I should point out however that we've lost all our alcohol because you have all been partying the entire year with your abundance of puppies. Please stop complaining and when you're done drinking, please stop the water from flooding our farming zones.
Post by: Thisfox on October 02, 2014, 04:59:32 am
We have booze. There are a half dozen varieties of alcohol for you to try. Everyone else has been drinking it. You are not injured (and never have been), but if you really want to drink water anyway, we have two wells. The dwarfs who have used the wells in the three years that we have had them have described them as "utterly sublime". They are full of excellent fresh water, kept clean by constant aquifer flow, seeing as some dwarfs (not naming any names) do have this habit of washing at the well instead of in the baths provided.
But no. You have complained about the wereskink-blood and weremonitor-blood tainting the "nasty" water. You have, I think, been drinking in the dwarf-wash we installed. For some reason.
Honestly? No other thoughts? When we have an artifact sculpture right next to where you decided to drink? And fog so dense you can practically walk on it? and masterwork wall carvings? All you want to think about is how nasty the water is, and that you wish we had a well? We have not one but two clean wells!! Have you been paying attention to the amazing fortress we live in? >:(
I am very tempted to use you as an experimental offering for the next werething that comes along.
--The one who keeps providing you with more booze and wells.
Dear Urist McMayor:
Yes, I know you like your new dining table. I like it too. The turtles in shell are excellent. TURTLES ALL THE WAY DOWN!
You should hold a party in there.
Post by: escondida on October 02, 2014, 10:15:40 am
Unlike some folk, I dinnae ha' a magic map what tells me wot's happenin' all 'round th' fort. If ye knew tha' th' water was tainted or tha' there was a partic'lerly nice waterin' hole somewhere about, ye ought tae ha' posted signs! I bet someone could whip ye up a "water zone" sign an' loads o' "Zone-only drinking" signs (th' latter usin' th' standin' orders form, o'course).
Sincerely,
Urist McGreatNowI'mProbablyAWerebeast
Post by: Walrusking on October 02, 2014, 03:35:45 pm
It's good to see new additions to our fortress, but did you really need to bring so many animals? Seriously, I think you brought double the amount we had.
Urist McPatriot,
I understand you love a certain dwarven civilisation. While this is all good, can you please stop engraving pear-cut gems (the civilisation's symbol) onto the dining room walls. And no, you're magpie men engravings are not a good replacement.
Post by: pisskop on October 02, 2014, 03:37:51 pm
Migrants,#First World Problems :P
It's good to see new additions to our fortress, but did you really need to bring so many animals? Seriously, I think you brought double the amount we had.
Urist McPatriot,
I understand you love a certain dwarven civilisation. While this is all good, can you please stop engraving pear-cut gems (the civilisation's symbol) onto the dining room walls. And no, you're magpie men engravings are not a good replacement.
Post by: Thisfox on October 02, 2014, 06:37:26 pm
Dear Overseer ThisFox,
Unlike some folk, I dinnae ha' a magic map what tells me wot's happenin' all 'round th' fort. If ye knew tha' th' water was tainted or tha' there was a partic'lerly nice waterin' hole somewhere about, ye ought tae ha' posted signs! I bet someone could whip ye up a "water zone" sign an' loads o' "Zone-only drinking" signs (th' latter usin' th' standin' orders form, o'course).
Sincerely,
Urist McGreatNowI'mProbablyAWerebeast
Dear Mr Urist Magoo
The wells would have been along that corridor you walked along to the dwarfwash. The one on your right as you walked in is made of silver and marble, the one on your left of some bright yellow stone and a gold block we got from the humans on our first serious trading session with them. They're both quite fancy, and surrounded by engravings of trees (no, don't ask me why, apparently we've got political activist migrant engravers living here who got thrown out of their last fort because people kept on asking those same questions, just assume it's a minor political power trying to make themselves more powerful and drink the clean water) If you really don't like the tree engravings, you could always focus on the rather excellent engraving of a rhinoceros. Either way, there is no way you could have missed them on the way to the dwarfwash.
Incidentally, if you went to the dwarfwash, you also went past our legendary dining hall. The one which has everything from pineapple wine to dwarvish beer? I do recommend popping in there to try some of the masterwork food. I'm told the raw mussel stew is excellent, and there is also cooked roast. Just don't eat that rhinoceros-tallow-roast people keep fobbing off on newcomers. I've explained that it just tastes like soap, but no one listens...
Look, do you want me to send you on a tour with one of the endless supply of dwarf children? They seem to know every corner of this fort better than I do, which is why I keep finding them sleeping on the floor in the deep level galena mine instead of their nice warm beds. I'm sure they could help you pick out a nice guide dog to help you around the darker corners.
--Overseer Thisfox
(Who now is seriously considering having a squad of guards follow you around this time next month, just to be on the safe side)
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on October 03, 2014, 08:48:10 am
I'd like to thank you antisocial little bastards for staying in your rooms like you're supposed to. Thanks to you there have been two residential deaths in the eighty-two years you lot have been building a hive on the side of this volcano, and frankly that cave-in was my fault for not designating dig tiles more carefully. Thanks also to Urist McHauler19 for starting a fistfight when you tantrumed and punting the undead Giant Sperm Whale into the volcano, your hissy fit broke a nine-year stalemate that my adamantine-equipped swordsdorf squad was helpless to break.
Yours,
Your grateful, impressed, and mildly disturbed Overseer
Post by: SlyStalker on October 03, 2014, 08:47:17 pm
Stop going on break as soon as we get coke out of the smelter, you lazy fuck. More masterwork golden statues are required for the glory of
Woundriders!
Signed,
Your Overlord with Fascist tendencies
Post by: 4maskwolf on October 03, 2014, 11:19:42 pm
There's a reason I told you to stay in the safety of the main fortifications. Combined with the harrying fire you crossbowdwarves provide, our traps are more than sufficient to eliminate any siege that attacks Demongate, and our melee military is a force to be reckoned with. I know there were unforbidden bolts outside of the fortress, but for the last time THOSE BOLTS ARE NOT FOR COLLECTION DURING COMBAT. Now you are dead, and although nobody really cares it sucks to lose an archer as skilled as yourself.
Sincerely,
Your friendly local overseer
Post by: h0lx on October 04, 2014, 04:02:21 am
I appreciate your mastery and skill and the fact that you can make all the 1x4 bedrooms give excellent thoughts. But why are you only engraving events of a certain dragon, who happens to be called Elthar Flickergold, The Wealthy Flames of Warmth killing various creatures including humas, elves and dwarves? You are making me and the residents concerned.
Post by: 94dima94 on October 04, 2014, 05:38:34 am
I thought that your superior ability as a hunter was supposed to help you in the choice of your prey.
Instead, as soon as we gave you a brand new crossbow and bolts, you left the fort, ran right past the pack of deers without even noticing them, reached the corner of the map, and killed a giant slug.
Sure, it's a valuable effort, and an amazing display of abilities; but now we are eating slimy, weird slug meat, instead of normal, delicious deer meat.
(This would have been amazing somewhere else, but we don't even need the shell; we have plenty of those!)
I hope next time you choose your targets you will think about all the people in the fort, who would like to eat something good for once.
Sincerely,
Your slightly disgusted Overseer and all the citiziens.
Post by: SimRobert2001 on October 04, 2014, 01:43:36 pm
Post by: Larix on October 04, 2014, 02:01:42 pm
Dear Urist McHunter,
I thought that your superior ability as a hunter was supposed to help you in the choice of your prey.
Instead, as soon as we gave you a brand new crossbow and bolts, you left the fort, ran right past the pack of deers without even noticing them, reached the corner of the map, and killed a giant slug.
Sure, it's a valuable effort, and an amazing display of abilities; but now we are eating slimy, weird slug meat, instead of normal, delicious deer meat.
Philistine! I provide you with delicious escargot instead of stringy venison and you dare complain?
(Hunting skill has exactly zilch to do with which target a hunter picks - and overseer squeamishness doesn't strike me as a good metric for what makes a "good" target anyway.)
Post by: 4maskwolf on October 04, 2014, 11:56:21 pm
You see that? That hole in the ground? That's our quarry. You decided to come to this fortress, and in this fortress we live like humans. We have wonderful housing units for all of you, but the fortress needs more stone, since we're running out of trees to cut down and spare wood to use. So could you please stop going on break once a month for two weeks and actually get something done, please? The quarry won't expand itself.
Sincerely,
Your expedition leader, the carpenter
Post by: Thisfox on October 06, 2014, 01:55:12 am
Sorry.
--Your Overseer.
Post by: h0lx on October 06, 2014, 03:12:25 am
I understand that you have broken your fingers, but would you PLEASE move to a hospital room instead of lying there so I can wall you in already, before you cause any more damage?
Post by: BumbleMead on October 09, 2014, 04:14:05 pm
When moving our trade stock of solid gold minecarts, it is perfectly acceptable for you to push them. They have wheels for a reason, and it won't take so long.
-Thanks, Bumblemead
Post by: Thisfox on October 09, 2014, 07:03:00 pm
Dear Urist McWeretapir
I understand that you have broken your fingers, but would you PLEASE move to a hospital room instead of lying there so I can wall you in already, before you cause any more damage?
Don't worry, he'll heal soon enough :D Then he'll give everyone else a chance to know what it feels like! Isn't there one compassionate dwarf in your fort who can assist him in a quick carry to the hospit?
I've actually had the same problem: I walled one into a box-shaped manufactured "room" once, and everyone just walked past it to and from the trade depot. "What's that?" "Oh, that's Wally. He keeps thinking he's a skink, so we figured it's better to just leave him in there. Try not to knock too hard, we don't want his little house to fall over." Eventually Something Happened, and there was furious wereskink everywhere...
Post by: Lord Dalek on October 09, 2014, 07:54:20 pm
I set up a labyrinth of weapon traps, cage traps, flood-rooms that could be drained at will, all to keep you alive.
And you thought running out to get a goblin out of a jammed trap was a bloody good idea when there was a goblin invasion.
Signed: Lord dalek
Post by: pisskop on October 10, 2014, 05:50:54 pm
Plz stop killing the natives, the wildlife, and generally setting fire to the whole first cavern. Kthnx. Also, stop flying. I cant very well explore the caverns if you try to fly out of them, can i?
Truely
Overseer who has only a tenuous interest in the cavern.
Post by: Thisfox on October 10, 2014, 09:46:44 pm
I'm amazed you weren't more suspicious about the damp bed and room which I had assigned you. You only have yourself to blame for going to sleep on a bed perched precariously on a cliff in a dripping wet room. Thankyou for the holiday photos on the way down.
--The Overseer.
Dear Forgotten Pterodactyl:
Thankyou for breaking the fall of our dwarven child on the way down that incredibly deep set of caverns. I note that you didn't even notice the rabbit we used for cannon testing earlier: Perhaps you only like the taste of dwarf? Please stay down there, anyway, I've got some more dwarves to drop down there as sacrifices, all you have to do is stay put.
--The Overseer.
Dear Mechanic:
The water canon works FINE. Thankyou! Sorry about testing it on your pet rabbit.
--The Overseer.
Dear Everyone:
WE NOW HAVE PANTS. Many pairs, in yarn, cloth, and even leather. Come get some! The trade caravan will arrive in a month, and we're hoping to sell your old ones to the ragman.
Also, the water cannon room is finally functional, so anyone who has gone crazy from nudity: We also have a functional water cannon, which has been tested on a rabbit and a dwarven child. It works REALLY WELL. And I'm informed by a certain dwarven child that there's still a sodding Forgotten Pterodactyl Beast flying around down there, and that it's hungry.
So I repeat: Please report to the clothing rooms for your new pair of trousers. Thankyou.
--The Overseer.
Post by: Pyrefly on October 12, 2014, 12:48:47 am
I do not want to hear anything about how bad the water is.
NOT. ONE. WORD. ABOUT. THE. WATER.
Watch the freaking booze supply better next time, you IGNORED me when I asked for you guys to brew that pile of plump helmets, and yes I checked and at least 3 of you are brewers, then when some wine was traded for so you idiots would stop complaining, you guys loafed around until a kea man raid stole it. Now you are stuck with swamp water until you actually brew something.
-a VERY annoyed overseer
P.S.: There are freaking empty barrels everywhere so don't give that excuse either.
Post by: hiroshi42 on October 14, 2014, 06:06:55 pm
Dear pretty much every dwarf:
I do not want to hear anything about how bad the water is.
NOT. ONE. WORD. ABOUT. THE. WATER.
Watch the freaking booze supply better next time, you IGNORED me when I asked for you guys to brew that pile of plump helmets, and yes I checked and at least 3 of you are brewers, then when some wine was traded for so you idiots would stop complaining, you guys loafed around until a kea man raid stole it. Now you are stuck with swamp water until you actually brew something.
-a VERY annoyed overseer
P.S.: There are freaking empty barrels everywhere so don't give that excuse either.
Dear overseer
You told us to only use things from that plump helmet stockpile so by god we are only going to use things from that stockpile. (Check to make sure if the still has links that they include a barrel pile.)
Dear Mountainhalls: While I am grateful for the influx of cheap labor/cannon fodder could we tone it down a wee bit, the fortress was not that profitable in the first year. The first migrant wave to visit us this year damn near trippled our population and while the second was smaller we are still sitting at ~ 4x the population than when the year started. we are rapidly running out of room for all these idiots and I doubt the food and booze will hold out untill production can be improved.
Hungrily yours, Urist McBeekeeper/Expedition leader
Post by: Chevaleresse on October 14, 2014, 09:30:43 pm
I know the stone is warm. I know that means magma is nearby. I also know that magma does not flow upward unless prompted, and that you are only digging ABOVE magma.
So dig out the goddamn forges already.
Signed,
Your extremely annoyed Overseer
Post by: MobRules on October 15, 2014, 10:19:13 am
Dear Urist McMiner
I know the stone is warm. I know that means magma is nearby. I also know that magma does not flow upward unless prompted, and that you are only digging ABOVE magma.
So dig out the goddamn forges already.
Signed,
Your extremely annoyed Overseer
If you c[h]anel the blocks-above-lava from the top, rather than [d]igging them from the same level, they don't produce the warm stone warning.
(You of course still get the warning when digging the actual holes in the floor to reveal the lava, but there's a lot fewer of those.)
Post by: whitecold on October 15, 2014, 04:48:03 pm
If channeling stairs, don't stand atop them. You will fall down, where your head will take the full force of the impact and split in gore.
Signed,
Your tantruming dwarves.
Post by: Trupik on October 17, 2014, 02:05:02 am
It was funny the first time you demanded the construction of worthless junk, but the joke faded out long time ago. We do not need more armor stands, hatch covers, or crossbows. We have literally mountains of those lying around. What we need right now are some 150+ cheap coffins - and we need it quickly, before the necromancer shows up. I know that we swore never to speak about the incident again, but it left us mainly with nobility, clerks, farmers and children. There are no able masons or crafts-dwarfs left. So if you can stop ordering punishments for the Production order violation, that would be great.
Truly yours,
Overseer
Post by: NomeQueEuLembro on October 17, 2014, 02:17:42 pm
I'm the Law here and I know what I'm doing. So if I said that your deceased pet killed itself even when everyone blames our legendary blacksmith's tantrum then I'm right and it makes perfect sense. I'm sorry your pet can't have a burial, but we can't afford to let him have one since we're in a shortage of resources. Also, you should apologize to said legendary blacksmith that is relaxing in the big engraved room I just built so he could get happier (the one with two golden statues inside).
Please, know it's nothing personal against you or your
Hope you're happy,
Concerned Overseer
Post by: Pirate Santa on October 18, 2014, 01:28:07 am
Your decision to ban the export of picks is a sound one, they are a valuable resource we cannot afford to lose, I applaud your good sense.
However refusing to allow me to bring bins containing valuable trade goods to the trade depot because they also contain aforementioned picks is incredibly inconvenient. I had to dump the damn things all over the floor of the barracks! If someone trips and breaks their neck I'm holding you personally responsible.
Sincerely,
The Hand of Armok.
PS. I'm aware you're the Militia Commander too but if you could stop sparring long enough to have a chat with the outpost liasion that would be great. His caravan left months ago.
Post by: Bumber on October 18, 2014, 02:16:29 am
However refusing to allow me to bring bins containing valuable trade goods to the trade depot because they also contain aforementioned picks is incredibly inconvenient.You can disable culling on mandates when selecting goods. Just don't accidentally trade the goods marked in purple. -Urist McBroker
Post by: Pirate Santa on October 18, 2014, 05:30:04 am
I didn't know that, thanks! :)However refusing to allow me to bring bins containing valuable trade goods to the trade depot because they also contain aforementioned picks is incredibly inconvenient.You can disable culling on mandates when selecting goods. Just don't accidentally trade the goods marked in purple. -Urist McBroker
Post by: Urist McShire on October 18, 2014, 11:49:20 pm
Why are you unhappy? Our fortress is the greatest gift to dwarf-kind. Exceptional and Masterwork golden statues line the halls, we have over ten types of booze on tap, dozens of different dishes prepared by our legendary chefs, a strong military that gives a sound thumping to any goblin invasion that tries to take our wealth, and a broad assortment of masterfully dyed plant thread and yarn clothing. Nobody has died in over five years. We've never been more prosperous. We've got tame giant war lions killing goblin captives for our amusement while the King sips dwarven ale from his golden goblet that menaces with spikes of ruby while eating a giant boar meat roast. The well is made from gold blocks with masterwork platinum mechanisms, buckets, and chains and is surrounded by statues and engravings. You even became a father recently.
WHY ARE YOU UNHAPPY?
Sincerely,
Your frustrated Overseer
Post by: blazing glory on October 19, 2014, 12:39:46 am
Dear Urist McDisgruntled:
Why are you unhappy? Our fortress is the greatest gift to dwarf-kind. Exceptional and Masterwork golden statues line the halls, we have over ten types of booze on tap, dozens of different dishes prepared by our legendary chefs, a strong military that gives a sound thumping to any goblin invasion that tries to take our wealth, and a broad assortment of masterfully dyed plant thread and yarn clothing. Nobody has died in over five years. We've never been more prosperous. We've got tame giant war lions killing goblin captives for our amusement while the King sips dwarven ale from his golden goblet that menaces with spikes of ruby while eating a giant boar meat roast. The well is made from gold blocks with masterwork platinum mechanisms, buckets, and chains and is surrounded by statues and engravings. You even became a father recently.
WHY ARE YOU UNHAPPY?
Sincerely,
Your frustrated Overseer
Probably because he's bored and hasn't had any FUN.
Post by: Akura on October 19, 2014, 12:20:07 pm
Those turkeys were in their assigned pasture. They were also sitting on nest boxes. You idiots ruined several clutches of potential new turkeys. Why did you idiots do that?
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: the1337doofus on October 19, 2014, 05:11:43 pm
Good job, dumbass. You drowned. You had the only axe we brought, and you were also our only carpenter. How the fuck did you even accomplish this feat of stupidity? There is no possible way you could have fallen into that murky pool, so you must have walked in. If you were going to off yourself, why did you come with us?
-The management
Post by: pisskop on October 19, 2014, 05:39:49 pm
Post by: Ze_king on October 19, 2014, 05:51:11 pm
I must applaud my dwarves at how well they have handled the fort these past years, however you not caused any FUN >:( . I am severely disappointed in you. How hard can it be to invite your long lost sorry-I-forgot-I-was-a-vampire brother-in-law or your "accident" prone niece or atleast have Urist Mcpopular stand infront of the bridge and show everyone his amazing vanishing trick, jeez....
Sincerely,
GeneralfeldmarschalhighelfImeandwarfsturmschnitzeloverseer.
Post by: The Bard on October 19, 2014, 05:54:20 pm
I hate keas as much as the next person, so I won't argue with your desire to climb a tree in order to introduce them to your sword.
However, in the future, the proper way to leave a tree is to CLIMB DOWN. Not, as you did, leap five z-levels into the moat.
No, I don't care that you survived. Nor do I care that the resultant mist made the rest of your squad happy. That was wreckless and stupid and... what do you mean you ended up falling in while wrestling the kea to death?
Oh. Well good job soldier. Carry on.
Post by: Tacomagic on October 19, 2014, 05:56:01 pm
Look, I put you down in the caverns so that I could charge admission to a big throw-down between you and the flying turtle FB that's down there. You weren't supposed to make friends with him and then and go skipping around ignoring each other every time you transform!
The paying customers want their grudge match!
-The management.
Post by: Akura on October 20, 2014, 01:12:15 pm
wood is not hard to get in any tree bearing biome this version. and depending where he drowned you can channel your axe out. deconstruct your wagon and train!Even without the axe, if he chopped a tree down, or you deconstruct the wagon, make a training axe. That still chops trees.
Post by: XArgon on October 20, 2014, 03:27:43 pm
or atleast have Urist Mcpopular stand infront of the bridge and show everyone his amazing vanishing trickLooks like Urist McPopular is the swordsdwarf in The Bard's fort. ;)
No, I don't care that you survived. Nor do I care that the resultant mist made the rest of your squad happy. That was wreckless and stupid and... what do you mean you ended up falling in while wrestling the kea to death?Wrestling a kea and doing a swan-dive from a tree into the moat, with his squad cheering for this feat of recklessness, water splashing everywhere? Now that's just showing off! :D
Oh. Well good job soldier. Carry on.
Even without the axe, if he chopped a tree down, or you deconstruct the wagon, make a training axe. That still chops trees.Good thing it wasn't Minecraft, or they'd have to punch down trees with their bare fists...
Post by: Trupik on October 20, 2014, 04:34:49 pm
What a great party last night it was! At first no one seemed to come, so for a moment I even considered not to replace your bedroom door with a solid wall whilst you be sleepin'. But then you somehow passed the vibe to The Broker, who started to party like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, at the same time he has been desperately needed at the Trade depot. Soon after, the sneaky elves packed up and embarked away, along with all the booze we were supposed to trade with them for a pile of blood-stained goblin socks and worthless stone trinkets. I hope you enjoyed the party you organized, because with the alcohol caravan gone it will be a long time before you can party again.
Truly pissed,
The Overseer
Post by: SimRobert2001 on October 20, 2014, 08:38:30 pm
Dear Urist McSlacker.
What a great party last night it was! At first no one seemed to come, so for a moment I even considered not to replace your bedroom door with a solid wall whilst you be sleepin'. But then you somehow passed the vibe to The Broker, who started to party like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, at the same time he has been desperately needed at the Trade depot. Soon after, the sneaky elves packed up and embarked away, along with all the booze we were supposed to trade with them for a pile of blood-stained goblin socks and worthless stone trinkets. I hope you enjoyed the party you organized, because with the alcohol caravan gone it will be a long time before you can party again.
Truly pissed,
The Overseer
Dear Overseer,
If you didn't want us to party, you could have just freed the room designation, and them make it again. That is our que not to party.
Post by: Baffler on October 20, 2014, 11:45:51 pm
As you are no doubt aware, there are zombie ogres wandering around. What I'm wondering, and the reason for this paper airplane, is why you thought it appropriate to clamber down from the hatch tower and see the dead glumprongs and staring eyeballs, armed with this knowledge as you must have been (I saw you panic briefly while you were laying bricks.) Even more baffling though is that even when the ogres were charging at you across the wide, flat, uncovered plain you were standing in, you were just standing about admiring the glumprongs.
The Overseer.
----------------
Dear Zombie Ogre,
If you can read this, I really must congratulate you on your new name, Minerock. Appropriate, considering the means of your imminent demise. just take a few more steps down that tunnel, and we'll be
Eagerly awaiting your attendance,
The Overseer
Post by: Larix on October 21, 2014, 06:17:45 am
I understand you're happy about your romantic achievements, but do you really think all the fort has to know that
"Lokum Libashiklist, chief medical dwarf has grown attached to a sheep"
?
...
oh, there's a second line to the message - [sheep] bone crossbow. I'm somewhat relieved.
Post by: DeathTBO on October 22, 2014, 10:38:17 pm
Instead of building the walls that will save the fortress from an imminent invasion, go drink some wine. While your at it, take a stroll through the halls because soon, you wont be around to see them.
Sincerely,
Death
Post by: pisskop on October 23, 2014, 11:08:48 am
How you get armor user skill? I appreciate you eating 7 goblins, but how did you get the generic soldier experience? Thats . . . interesting to note. Also, you can die now. I have two well-crafted steel boning knives that will see to that.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Love,
Reptile man outsider
---
Ahh, you have armor experience because you are wearing leather armor.
Post by: FrightRat on October 23, 2014, 01:39:30 pm
I appreciate your concerns for our fortress' safety and willingness to defeat any nasty critters you may encounter. However, that troll was being hauled to his new home, the cage in the meeting hall, to serve as entertainment for you and your friends. There was no need to slay it.
PS : if you ever do it again and I see you, you will win free lava swimming courses.
Dear Urist McTrainer,
I share your enthusiashm for rutherers, and I am as excited as you that we have caught a brand new breeding pair. However, sleeping on their cage may be a little excessive. I understand that you do not currently have your own room, but comfortable beds are at your disposal in the large dormitory with engraved floors. Please use them. The rutherers are not going anywhere, I promise.
Dear Everyone McHauler
It is nice that you understand that corpses belong in graves and I applaude that knowledge. However, as you probably noticed, that particular corpse is currently in the river. You can either wait for that section of the river to dry thanks to the floodgates we built, or wait until winter to dig it out of the ice; but please understand that you can stop complaining about it for the moment, as I have no immediate way of changing the situation.
Dear Urist McMason
Not everyone shares your fascination for hyenas, please make statues of other things from time to time. You have never even SEEN a hyena, what the hell.
Sincerely,
Almighty McFacepalm
Post by: Eric Blank on October 23, 2014, 02:40:38 pm
I know you're unhappy about the situation with most of your friends dead what with the forgotten beast in the dining room, but you can't have a meeting with the expedition leader to discuss it right now; the expedition leader is in a coma. You are the only available doctor. If you don't get back to work and help him, he will die and then who will you have meetings with?
Sincerely, the Overseer
Dear other dorfs,
Stop throwing tantrums, starting fist fights, and going insane. There are only seven of you, and three of you are in the hospital. If you don't take control of yourselves, you will all die.
Sincerely, the Overseer of you lot of dolts.
P.s. Another forgotten beast is on the way. This one breathes fire. I wish I knew how the last one got in, but I don't, so I can't help you.
Post by: FrightRat on October 23, 2014, 03:20:39 pm
You are wounded, go to the hospital. Our
Dear Everyone McCorpseHaulers
Please wait until the river is drained until you complain about that corpse. I KNOW you can't reach it. Suck it up and do something else in the meantime.
Dear Everyone McDrunk
I understand that hauling doors and beds is not as fun as drinking alcohol in the meeting room, but I assigned the construction of those things months ago. I would appreciate it
Dear Everyone McTantrumLord
Did you really have to throw tantrums all at once just because I accused that forest titan of various crimes of disorderly conduct ? Really ? REALLY ? That titan tried to kill you, you hate that titan. What the hell is your problem. Enjoy the untimely demise of the fortress.
Dear vile force of darkness,
Good job at attacking right when the whole fortress is tantruming. I would give credit for the fortress' demise to you, but please understand that we are entirely capable of destroying ouselves without your help.
Sincerely,
Almighty McFedUp
Post by: Trupik on October 24, 2014, 08:21:06 am
Dear Everyone McHaulerDear Overseer.
It is nice that you understand that corpses belong in graves and I applaude that knowledge. However, as you probably noticed, that particular corpse is currently in the river. You can either wait for that section of the river to dry thanks to the floodgates we built, or wait until winter to dig it out of the ice; but please understand that you can stop complaining about it for the moment, as I have no immediate way of changing the situation.
Don't blame us - we are just so enthusiastic about the work, that we will attempt it multiple times a day. For all we know, the status of that particular job could have magically improved at any time. If you know better, perhaps you can forbid the corpse until it is safe for us to retrieve it.
Truly yours,
Urist McUndertaker
Post by: pisskop on October 25, 2014, 12:47:05 am
I hate you. Y U crash? One of the most fun and most successful adventurers Ive ever had cant die in aworthy fashion because you crash every time he gets close.
Y U scared? Now Ill retire here out of irritation
Issstro Ucimcema the Duty of Hamesss the reptile man
Post by: The Bard on October 25, 2014, 01:39:38 am
Nice job grabbing all of my stupid marksdwarves and hauling them to the hospital even in the midst of a pitched battle. Considering the fact that they jumped out of their sniper nest and ended up stunned in the midst of their enemy, I wouldn't have been half as nice.
However. Your triage procedure needs some work. While I'm sure putting a cast on one's hand and bandaging up the non-fatal wounds of on two more, I can't help but notice that you opted to give the guy with a fractured skull a sponge bath and call it hakuna until there was absolutely nothing left to do (including restocking and cleaning the hospital of all his blood.
I also notice that the cure for 'fractured skull' is just a bandage wrapped around the head. Nice.
Post by: tonnot98 on October 25, 2014, 04:45:42 pm
Please yell at your dogs and drunians to refrain from rolling about in the forgotten beast extract. Yes, I know you are all sad about the losses of several pets, but by now, you should know not to allow them to even touch that dust that even covers your armor.
Post by: Thisfox on October 26, 2014, 07:27:40 am
Originally you were locked in that room for your own safety. There was a werelizard around and it had bitten the children, and I couldn't afford to loose you. I'm sorry that I forgot about you, but it was an honest mistake. I just didn't wonder where my other lyemaker (who likes being mayor in his spare time) was.
Now you're locked in there for the protection of everyone else. I'm sure you understand. Any dwarf who wasn't a vampire would be dead from starvation by now. Please enjoy your new jobs of broker and bookkeeper. I'm so glad I locked you in your office, if it had been a bedroom you wouldn't have had a table available to you.
Overseer
(p.s. And why did you demand a better bedroom, for that matter, when you don't actually sleep?)
Post by: Foxite on November 01, 2014, 09:37:31 am
When I spend 3 hours figuring out how minecarts work, and finally get it right, I still expect you to keep transferring stone left over from mining out our new reservoir to the stone stockpile. By that I don't mean that you are to push the minecart along the track, grab a wheelbarrow 20 tiles away from the track stop, and use it to take out the stones from the cart, push it back to the reservoir, fill it again, pushing it back to the stockpile, and then leaving it sit there forever. I don't see how those 4 stones and a wheelbarrow are obstructing your work. Please take the stones from the minecart, and put them down somewhere further away if it's really necessary. I spent these 3 hours not to discover that you are too dumb to keep going, but to save you work hauling all the stones away from the reservoir by hand.
Sincerely, your unamused Overseer,
Moi
Post by: Pirate Santa on November 03, 2014, 10:32:09 pm
NOTICE TO ALL DWARFS OF SPEARSAVAGES
In regards to the new reactors
I have noticed some rather alarming tomfoolery happening in the vicinity of our new reactors, and I'd like you all to know what is not acceptable in regards to these rather sensitive (and dangerous) machines.In regards to the new reactors
1. DO NOT leave personal belongings in the reactor fuel line. Urist Mcminer I'm looking at you, you're damned lucky that sock didn't clog anything.
2. DO NOT walk through the reactor channels. I restricted the the things for a reason.
3. DO NOT allow pets to wander through the reactor channels. Mosus Usandeler your cat just barely escaped drowning, don't let it happen again.
4. FOR ARMOK'S SAKE DON'T DROP YOUR BABY IN THE REACTOR CHANNELS!!
5. When constructing the reactors DO NOT stand in such a position as to trap yourself INSIDE the reactor necessitating its partial deconstruction. If I weren't worried about interference from your corpses I wouldn't bother rescuing you.
That is all (for now)
Sincerely,
Hand of Armok.
Post by: the1337doofus on November 03, 2014, 10:52:00 pm
Fuck you. Fuck you so much. I know dwarves are stupid. But I know for a fucking fact that even normal dwarves are smarter than you. You PARKED. ON. THE FROZEN. DAMN. RIVER. Congratulations, you've fucked us over and dumped all our food and supplies into the river.
- Overseer Pis S. Edoff
Post by: 20firebird on November 03, 2014, 11:20:25 pm
For the love of god, DUMP THE ROCKS ALREADY. I have two perfectly good garbage dumps, and I know for a fact 30 of you are sitting around doing nothing! Pull your weight!
-Your very angry overseer
Post by: Bumber on November 04, 2014, 01:33:32 am
Note to Everyone,Dear Overseer,
For the love of god, DUMP THE ROCKS ALREADY. I have two perfectly good garbage dumps, and I know for a fact 30 of you are sitting around doing nothing! Pull your weight!
-Your very angry overseer
There may have been a mix up in a recent version of our Standing Order forms. Please enable the gathering of refuse from 'outside' in order to dump stuff from inside the fort. The forms have been corrected for revision number 0.40.15, and we are waiting on distribution.
-Sincerest apologies, Dwarven Bureau of Labor Management
Post by: Chevaleresse on November 04, 2014, 08:41:40 am
I apologize for your sudden. . . bathing. I didn't realize the tremendous flow that a cavern lake was capable of if tapped from the bottom. Your tombs are pretty nice, though.
Dear Kobold Thief:
How, exactly, did you manage to kill two dwarves, four peahens, and three dogs? You're like, waist height on a dwarf.
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf 2, 4, 7, and 9
I know the people dying in front of you were good passing acquaintances, and that you used to be fishermen. But you can't swim. And they died two rooms away. I'm not draining the cistern so I can recover your bodies, so have fun decomposing in the well. Maybe the taste will educate the rest of the population.
Post by: Glimmer on November 04, 2014, 12:21:01 pm
you know that we all love to take a break sometimes, or partake in a party, or sleeping out. Building a fortress is stressful as it is, but everyone has to do their part for it to survive and flourish.
But you know what it makes even more stressful?
BEING SOBER! You better swing your stupid ass to the brewery and start working already before our expedition leader kicks your door in and drags you to the butchery! By Armok!
Sincerely,
everyone who's life you make more miserable.
Post by: Akura on November 04, 2014, 02:03:28 pm
Dear Kobold Thief:
How, exactly, did you manage to kill two dwarves, four peahens, and three dogs? You're like, waist height on a dwarf.
Dear King Murdoc,
Very simple. With a knife. }:D
Post by: the1337doofus on November 11, 2014, 04:54:23 pm
Feck off, we're full. Unless you're a smith, a soldier, a mason, or a miner, you are not wanted here. If you do somehow make it in, you shall get stripped of your previous "job", and be forced into one of three services: Plant grower and gatherer, cavern scourer, or meat shield.
Personal Bedding will not be provided.
Thank you and have a nice day (outside the gates),
The Management
Post by: Magnumcannon on November 11, 2014, 05:20:17 pm
Sometimes, hauling beds, statues and useless crap around the fortress is tiring, but stop throwing parties all day, you have 10 beds, some statues and a lot of useless crap to haul. You do your work right or you will be assigned to the most tiring and stressful job this fortress has to offer...which is by the way, hauling.
The not-so-mighty owl overseer
Post by: boddha on November 12, 2014, 12:06:33 pm
There's empty coffins, a corpse stockpile, a refuse stockpile and dumping zones. Please do something with the dead Elk Bird in the dining room.
I see 30 of you just milling around whining about it. Please. Drag it out.
No, that's cool. Just let it rot to a skeleton. That's totally fine.
Post by: MrCompassionate on November 12, 2014, 07:25:36 pm
Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.
I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
Post by: Iminyourhouse on November 12, 2014, 08:13:09 pm
When you mined out the area for the zoo, I didn't mean mine out the stairs and starve yourselfs IN THAT HOLE. I thought you were smarter than this.
Post by: Mister Always on November 15, 2014, 08:41:15 pm
First of all, hello! We are your new neighbours. Yes, we are going to build a massive stone structure in your ancestral homeland and there's nothing you can do about it. Anyway, I don't know if you guys can read or not, so I'm just sticking this letter to that grey langur man that bumbled into one of our cage traps and hoping for the best.
Point being, please don't visit. It sets off the dogs something awful. The echidna men will notice two of their members missing. Dogs. The grey langur men will notice four. Also a dog. And a farmer. Do you get my point?
Warmest wishes,
Overseer McAlways
Dear Kogsak Atekrakust, pet of Shem Tabaratis,
Sit! Roll over! Oooh, who's a good girl? Is it you? I think it's you! Doggy want a bone? Sit up! Beg! Good girl, there ya go!
*ahem* Anyway. You're a very brave dog, killing those four gray langur savages without even any formal war training. I'm gonna chalk that up to your huge muscles. And listen, I don't mind you taking out your frustration on the local animal people. I know how it is, when life gets ya down you just have to tear a living creature apart with your teeth. That's natural. What I am angry about is the fact that you killed one of only two badger boars on the map, thus leaving our current badger domestication program with something of a genetic bottleneck. I don't want inbred badgers, okay? I want them with healthy, shiny coats, keen little eyes and raging bloodlust, so we can proudly present them to the monarch.
So no more killing badgers (except if they're shitty sows) or I'm going to put you on a rope in your master's bedroom forever.
Pets and scritches,
Overseer McAlways
Post by: Splint on November 15, 2014, 08:44:31 pm
Dear dorfs,
When you mined out the area for the zoo, I didn't mean mine out the stairs and starve yourselfs IN THAT HOLE. I thought you were smarter than this.
You realize where you made a mistake I assume. It's entrusting dwarves to do anything more intelligent besides "Avoid scary thing with sharp object screaming for my blood."
Post by: Immortal-D on November 15, 2014, 09:21:16 pm
Dear ButchersDear Overseer,
Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.
I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden. We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile. Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it. Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on November 16, 2014, 05:50:09 am
Also, note that there's a bug currently that mixes up outside and inside refuse orders, which means that if you forbid what is labeled "inside refuse", you're actually forbidding outside refuse.Dear ButchersDear Overseer,
Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.
I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden. We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile. Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it. Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves
Post by: smeeprocket on November 16, 2014, 06:54:31 am
Post by: Badger Storm on November 16, 2014, 12:20:53 pm
Is it really that hard to pick up your bolts, even after I've reclaimed them? Also, you're a bunch of lazy bastards and I have no idea why I've got such a soft spot for you guys.
Dear dwarves of Nettaxed,
I'm actually quite proud of you guys. It took you idiots two years, but you finally dug through the aquifer! You've also captured several rare animals, including a leopard, a giant lion pair (though the female had to be killed after wrecking one of our war dogs), and the dreaded giant desert scorpion. Nice work!
Dear elves of The Rain Of Bewilderment,
On one hand, thanks for actually bringing animals and not just a bunch of cloth and grown-wood crap. On the other hand, the Giant Lion you brought couldn't be female? Why? Way to rub salt in the wound of losing our giant lioness, you pointy-eared jerks. See if I ever bring you snail-shell goodies again.
Sincerely,
Your local avatar of Armok
Post by: Chevaleresse on November 16, 2014, 01:38:07 pm
If you're going to migrate to a new home, you should at least attempt to acquire skills beyond "adequate fish cleaner" and "novice lye maker." We need SMITHS.
also, leave your children at home, they're less likely to be crushed under a bridge there.
Post by: Kumquat on November 18, 2014, 03:55:24 pm
Why - and how - did you get that giant panda corpse you were supposed to drop into refuse stockpile, into a treetop? You are not an elf, and it is not xmas anyway, the tree was not a spruce, and if a dead panda rotting in a tree is your idea for decoration then perhaps becoming one of those recluses that live on top of tall black towers might better suit your preferences.
No panda roast for you, Urist McHauler. No panda roast for anyone else, either. I hope you like those plum roasts; our legendary cherry pickers have no problems delivering their catch to the stockpiles and we have lots and lots of them.
Dear rest of the hauler corps,
Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.
Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
Post by: Thisfox on November 18, 2014, 04:02:53 pm
Dear rest of the hauler corps,
Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.
Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
I'm at the point where I'm selling my bags of pits and treeseeds to the merchants, and buying empty bags in their place. It's very annoying. I wonder if I can forbid the pits and move the bags? Would that work? {wanders off to find out}
Post by: Eric Blank on November 18, 2014, 04:17:51 pm
Post by: Thisfox on November 19, 2014, 06:35:02 am
Post by: Frogging101 on November 19, 2014, 11:19:57 am
Pick up some god damn ammo. Like, right now. If I wanted hammerdwarves, I would conscript hammerdwarves. With actual hammers and metal armour instead of crossbows and leather. There are bins full of nice, new, high quality iron bolts right next to your barracks. So fill those empty quivers already because if we get raided, I'm going to send you out to snipe the attackers. And if you don't have anything to shoot them with then you will die, and your friends and families will be in danger because of your incompetence.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Greiger on November 19, 2014, 12:05:51 pm
You were my favorite fortress member this embark. Your purpose as one of the starting 7 was your proficient teaching skill, and not only did you teach an entire squad to be masters of the sword, you were the most reliable warrior in the fortress, with 4 kills under your belt when most others didn't have 1. You weren't even of the custom race's primary warrior caste, yet you outperformed the larger and stronger red and black dracon you were teaching in every way.
Your heroic charge against the gem forgotten beast will never be forgotten, you took the blast of deadly vapor before the rest of your students arrived, and then proceeded to hand the thing's ass to it solo while bleeding out of every bodypart you had. Finally cleaving the thing in two right before the students got in range of the vapors. Then like some heroic movie dropped to the ground dead only 2 ticks after the beast.
You dreamed of becoming a legendary warrior, you were one level from your dream when you engaged the forgotten beast. I am proud to announce that you gained a level during that battle. Congratulations on being the fortress's first legendary warrior.
The Administration
To the crossbowdracon of Violencegirder,
Seriously when the forgotten beast showed up I told you where to stand in the fortifications. You stood everywhere BUT there. If you would have been standing next to the fortifications like I asked Kor may still be alive, or at the very least you would have seen her heroic sacrifice instead of admiring walls and tower caps.
The Administration.
Post by: Pirate Bob on November 19, 2014, 04:08:38 pm
Dear rest of the hauler corps,
Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.
Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
I'm at the point where I'm selling my bags of pits and treeseeds to the merchants, and buying empty bags in their place. It's very annoying. I wonder if I can forbid the pits and move the bags? Would that work? {wanders off to find out}
Maybe just try to use apples, cherries, and other fruits producing useless seeds for cooking, and forbid brewing so they don't produce any seeds? Unless your nobles have a strong need for the associated booze, I'm guessing you have more than enough variety of booze in your fort without brewing apples and cherries. Any unless dwarves for some reason really like raw apples/cherries, they don't tend to eat raw food if prepared meals are available.
Edit - based on the raws, it looks like apple seeds and cherry pits aren't edible, so that won't work. Oh well. I think you could make the annoying seeds go away by just removing [GROWTH_HAS_SEED] under [GROWTH:FRUIT] for the offending plants. I haven't tried this, so I don't know if it would actually work or cause any other problems. Or just don't brew them, as described above. Or you could add [EDIBLE_RAW] and/or [EDIBLE_COOKED] to the seeds. Or it would be probably be pretty easy to add a reaction to process them into oil, like with rock nuts.
Post by: Thisfox on November 19, 2014, 05:31:34 pm
In other news:
Dear Urist McIwantthisthing,
Please stop mandating things you don't actually have a use for. You just mandated three cups, but I know for a fact that you drink straight out of a barrel, we all saw you do it. You mandated figurines last week, and yet you have no interest in putting them anywhere or using them for anything. And don't say that the third figurine didn't count: It was a goddamn Artifact! An artifact figurine! You should have at least congratulated the dwarf child who went above and beyond the call of duty in making you an artifact figurine instead of a normal one, instead of kicking one of the adorable little fort kittens! You're a temperamental bastard.
--The management.
Post by: Insert_Gnome_Here on November 23, 2014, 05:24:05 pm
Dear rest of the hauler corps,
Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.
Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
I'm at the point where I'm selling my bags of pits and treeseeds to the merchants, and buying empty bags in their place. It's very annoying. I wonder if I can forbid the pits and move the bags? Would that work? {wanders off to find out}
Maybe just try to use apples, cherries, and other fruits producing useless seeds for cooking, and forbid brewing so they don't produce any seeds? Unless your nobles have a strong need for the associated booze, I'm guessing you have more than enough variety of booze in your fort without brewing apples and cherries. Any unless dwarves for some reason really like raw apples/cherries, they don't tend to eat raw food if prepared meals are available.Actually, as I was writing this an even simpler idea occurred to me - can't you just enable cooking of all the useless seeds? I haven't actually played a fort in the new version yet, but by default cooking of all seeds is disabled, but can be enabled in the kitchen menu. Then you can turn all those useless apple seeds into tasty apple seed roasts.
Edit - based on the raws, it looks like apple seeds and cherry pits aren't edible, so that won't work. Oh well. I think you could make the annoying seeds go away by just removing [GROWTH_HAS_SEED] under [GROWTH:FRUIT] for the offending plants. I haven't tried this, so I don't know if it would actually work or cause any other problems. Or just don't brew them, as described above. Or you could add [EDIBLE_RAW] and/or [EDIBLE_COOKED] to the seeds. Or it would be probably be pretty easy to add a reaction to process them into oil, like with rock nuts.
Use for coindtar or dwarven shotgun?
Post by: Bigheaded on November 23, 2014, 05:36:33 pm
Not something i've tested.
Post by: Meneth on November 24, 2014, 07:23:40 am
Post by: Snaake on November 24, 2014, 01:51:16 pm
They will. Each winter, I go through the seed stockpile and magma-dump all the useless seeds.
I would probably try removing the growth_has_seed tag from apples and other unedible/-cookable/-plantable seeds' fruits. Shouldn't take much longer than a single magma-dump round.
Post by: Foxite on November 25, 2014, 06:48:23 am
When I put you in quarantaine because you were bitten by that weregila last week, but didn't have "Weregila extract injected in the dwarf blood", I expect you to head to your burrow immediately, instead of hanging around in the kitchen and going to your burrow five minutes before the full moon.
Now you didn't transform into a werebeast, but you have trespassed(probably), and if you get punished accordingly to dwarven ethics, don't say that I didn't assign you to a burrow.
Signed,
Me
Post by: TheHossofMoss on November 25, 2014, 11:52:30 am
It is with the utmost regret for me to announce that Inod passed away violently last night. There had been reports of a giant cave spider lurking below (they are certainly confirmed now). Corpses of Cave Crocodiles with puncture wounds in the neck, and webbed troglodyte skeletons in certain areas.
He was probably just collecting the stone that had just been mined out down there. It really could have been anyone. But unfortunately it was him. He appears to have tried to make it to the stairs, but unfortunately, he was webbed.
One of the Farmers discovered his corpse, and to her horror, also the spider. She was nimble, and managed to kite it, left and right, until the militia arrived. She suffered a bite, but thankfully she received no poison.
I can say with happiness, that the militia made the spider suffer, if that makes you feel any better. It was torn limb from limb, and finally its head was caved in by a hammer-dwarf. On the plus side, as well, we are now offering giant cave spider soaps and roasts, if that is any consolation.
If any of you had actually pulled the lever like I asked a while ago, to seal off the caves, this may have never happened.
Sincerely,
Der Meister
Post by: Lord Dalek on November 26, 2014, 05:28:02 pm
To Kor, Militia Commander,
You were my favorite fortress member this embark. Your purpose as one of the starting 7 was your proficient teaching skill, and not only did you teach an entire squad to be masters of the sword, you were the most reliable warrior in the fortress, with 4 kills under your belt when most others didn't have 1. You weren't even of the custom race's primary warrior caste, yet you outperformed the larger and stronger red and black dracon you were teaching in every way.
Is it possible to get this custom race's raws from you?
Post by: Foxite on November 27, 2014, 11:40:19 am
When I order all of you to station in the Great Wall Of Dyemurder that was constructed just for this big fight, I expect you to do it, rather than just sit in the walkway and watch how the 38 goblins proceed through the gate and begin to fight the soldiers. The swords and axe squad barely made it in the fight, however, some of my best soldiers were lost in the war, including the militia commander who was wearing full masterwork steel armor and had dubbed his adamantine sword after the fortress in the middle of the battle. The sword had to be buried with him. I even dubbed him "UberDorf" after delivering the fatal blow in the fight against that massive flying louse beast in the caverns two weeks ago, which had killed half of our military with his lethal dust days after the fight ended.
The commander would not have died if you actually helped kill the goblins. NONE of you actually did anything in the fight. You have had over two years of intensive training, outside the fort walls, so there's no excuses like cave adaption or something silly. You didn't even have to go one step out of the walls in order to access the walkway, and the walkway was roofed.
Please, do as your captain says and kill the goblins next time the goblins arrive.
Signed, your overseer who is going to create a new world after discovering that all dwarven civs in yours are currently at war with some other civ.
Post by: deathschemist on December 02, 2014, 12:16:31 am
your spouse died because (s)he refused to climb the stairs out of the pit of drowning when we had finished building it, there was nothing left to do. While I'm sorry for your loss, could you please refrain from going crazy when your spouse basically committed suicide?
signed, the OVERSEER
Post by: Fperson1 on December 03, 2014, 12:23:16 am
I know you aren't our actual broker. I know you are only a Novice Trader, and have had zero experience with trading here at Swordboots. I know I essentially drafted you as you walked past the depot since Urist McBroker was on break, and therefore you had no time to prepare. Given the circumstances, I wasn't expecting much - maybe our desperately-needed anvil, a few barrels of booze, a few gemstones for our insane mayor (diamond, I mean seriously, diamond), and a five-or-six-thousand dorfbux profit for the traders, which we can afford because of our metric ton of useless electrum-and-copper mugs.
But there is cracking during heated elven negotiations over a multi-hundred dorfbux shortfall, and there is bungling a trade so badly our fellow dwarves refuse eight and a half thousand dorfbux profit. I do not know what the hell you said to them to get them to reject such a staggering profit, but it must have been impressive. Therefore, you've been assigned to negotiate with the goblin siegers outside. Please report to Restraint #32 immediately.
On a related note, dear Urist McBroker:
Being useful does not necessarily require being alive. Remember that next time you think of going on break when traders arrive. I can find you a comfortable spot to rest in the magma channels if you're so inclined.
Best regards, your apoplectic overseer.
Post by: Wheeljack on December 04, 2014, 11:41:28 am
Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.
My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.
But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.
Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie
Post by: pisskop on December 04, 2014, 11:58:10 am
Dear Urist McDoctor,
Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.
My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.
But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.
Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie
Dear McJackie;
Now, dont be tellin' noone this, but Ive got a little secret for ya. Corpses can-no pollute wells. Its perfectly okay to drink corpse water, and Ill get to see the whole fort now!
Post by: Wheeljack on December 04, 2014, 12:19:09 pm
Dear Urist McDoctor,
Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.
My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.
But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.
Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie
Dear McJackie;
Now, dont be tellin' noone this, but Ive got a little secret for ya. Corpses can-no pollute wells. Its perfectly okay to drink corpse water, and Ill get to see the whole fort now!
McDoctorGhost:
I do not reward poor behavior and bad judgement. I reward hard workers, and guess what? You're dead. You can't work. You can stay at the bottom of that well, alone forever. The last thing I need you to do is start a party down there and inviting all your friends. Maybe in your next life you'll think twice before jumping into a sublime well.
-Jackie <3
Post by: Foxite on December 05, 2014, 12:04:14 pm
I wanted Cave Crocodiles for my army. As a companion for you. So when I give you a direct order to station outside, I DO NOT want you to go to the approaching cave crocodile that's heading for the cage traps and chop his head off. If I wanted that then I would have put steel serrated discs in the hallway instead of cage traps and a bait animal.
Signed,
Admiral-general-king-overseeer-lord Me
PS: Even though I recently discovered that cave crocodiles cannot be trained for war, I still did not want you to kill underground creatures as more pressing matter are waiting for you on the surface.
Post by: pisskop on December 06, 2014, 10:19:55 am
-Zulban Pastquakes
-Life: -67 - 97
-Cause of death: Old Age
-Skills: [Great] Doctor, [Competent] Hammerdwarf
-Notable: Fought in 2 attacks on Elves, lost both. Both attacks were major.
This is a King. Be more like him. Thank you.
Post by: deathschemist on December 06, 2014, 08:19:32 pm
you are a bloody idiot, you know that? you stand on the space where you're meant to be building a wall and then complain that you can't build the wall, despite the fact that you could easily move a space to the left and build it from there
now i hear reports of a dragon, and we got no defences against it, mostly your fault. enjoy your firey death, i'm outtie
yours- the (now former) overseer.
Post by: Thisfox on December 06, 2014, 08:48:06 pm
I have had a very difficult first three months. You dropped me on the stairs, and I had to crawl down them to the dining hall. I got lost and eventually crawled down all the stairs to the very lowest dining hall, but there was no one there, so I crawled all the way up again, and eventually found the hospital. There was a nice lady dwarf who rules this place there in a bed, sleeping, and I visit her. Someone fed me. I wish you had fed me.
I have been watching a waterfall, and when I cried, someone gave me a bucketful of water. I wish I could have been given some tuber beer, but they don't have tubers in this fort. The waterfall is very pretty. The other dwarves here have told me I have a bedroom but I don't know where it is.
More recently I have taken to crawling through a huge stockpile of bones and shells, next to the main dining hall.
I miss you.
Love Momuz.
(If you're curious about this one, the whole explanation is here (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=146252.0). Basically my fort has turned into a dwarf child care service for an absentee mother, and after a conversation with a mate, it was decided that she should send a letter home to mum.... and this seems like the official dwarf postbox.)
Post by: escondida on December 08, 2014, 01:10:41 pm
Dear Urist McBitten,
When I put you in quarantaine because you were bitten by that weregila last week, but didn't have "Weregila extract injected in the dwarf blood", I expect you to head to your burrow immediately, instead of hanging around in the kitchen and going to your burrow five minutes before the full moon.
Signed,
Me
Dear You,
I did get the letter informing me if my new burrow assignment. As usual, it had the standard header at the top reading "This is not an emergency; head to your burrow at your earliest convenience. Take no job outside the burrow, and head to the burrow right away if assigned a job there." So what's the problem? I assumed that if it were an emergency, you would've given me a job to do there right away, or had the militia commander come tell me I'm a squad of 1 and to go guard that burrow, or something.
Yours in bafflement,
Urist McNotInfected
Post by: Mister Always on December 08, 2014, 01:45:10 pm
First of all, good job on survivin' that werelizard attack. Not much of a feat, considering most of what he did was bite you once (in the head), smash your hand (bringing you dangerously close to bleedin' out, but good job not doing that), and then spent about... I don't know, could'a been a whole day, maybe longer, whalin' on your head with a sock he'd taken from his only other victim.
Second of all, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me you had the apparent ability to completely disintegrate a zinc door to make your escape from quarantine. I'm both impressed and annoyed, especially since this means I'll have to actually wall you in while I try and decide whether I should have the military butcher you in cold blood or just keep you walled in, forever, perhaps making bone crafts or something? Maybe I'll give you your own forge and put you to work getting rid of all this useless lead we have kicking around. How's that sound? Metalcrafting forever in solitude? I'm just not sure if having you killed (while transformed, naturally) will cause problems or not. Probably not, but y'know what?
I'd feel kinda bad about it.
You heard me. I would feel remorse. For killing you. On account of this not really being your fault. So, here's the deal. For however long it takes for us to get you sealed up proper - if you can keep yourself from infecting anyone else during that time (especially anyone important), you can be our recluse craftsmaker. We'll drop in food and stuff... when we remember to. Sure, your family will miss you. But I'm fairly sure you probably aren't pregnant, considering our pop cap's been reached, so on the bright side, if you do have a baby you probably won't give in to bloodlust and tear it limb from limb.
...GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SPIDER SILK DROP ZONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU ABOMINATION! BEFORE THE BAD MOON RISES AGAIN!
With love,
your overseer.
Post by: pisskop on December 08, 2014, 01:54:18 pm
Dear Urist McInfectee,
First of all, good job on survivin' that werelizard attack. Not much of a feat, considering most of what he did was bite you once (in the head), smash your hand (bringing you dangerously close to bleedin' out, but good job not doing that), and then spent about... I don't know, could'a been a whole day, maybe longer, whalin' on your head with a sock he'd taken from his only other victim.
Second of all, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me you had the apparent ability to completely disintegrate a zinc door to make your escape from quarantine. I'm both impressed and annoyed, especially since this means I'll have to actually wall you in while I try and decide whether I should have the military butcher you in cold blood or just keep you walled in, forever, perhaps making bone crafts or something? Maybe I'll give you your own forge and put you to work getting rid of all this useless lead we have kicking around. How's that sound? Metalcrafting forever in solitude? I'm just not sure if having you killed (while transformed, naturally) will cause problems or not. Probably not, but y'know what?
I'd feel kinda bad about it.
You heard me. I would feel remorse. For killing you. On account of this not really being your fault. So, here's the deal. For however long it takes for us to get you sealed up proper - if you can keep yourself from infecting anyone else during that time (especially anyone important), you can be our recluse craftsmaker. We'll drop in food and stuff... when we remember to. Sure, your family will miss you. But I'm fairly sure you probably aren't pregnant, considering our pop cap's been reached, so on the bright side, if you do have a baby you probably won't give in to bloodlust and tear it limb from limb.
...GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SPIDER SILK DROP ZONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU ABOMINATION! BEFORE THE BAD MOON RISES AGAIN!
With love,
your overseer.
Dear Overseer;
Stick a needle in ya eye! If I wanted or needed food I'd take a bite out of a neighbor! Best send me to live in the caverns.
P.S. Keep ya stinkin' booze too!
Post by: Mister Always on December 08, 2014, 03:43:38 pm
Dear Urist McInfectee,
First of all, good job on survivin' that werelizard attack. Not much of a feat, considering most of what he did was bite you once (in the head), smash your hand (bringing you dangerously close to bleedin' out, but good job not doing that), and then spent about... I don't know, could'a been a whole day, maybe longer, whalin' on your head with a sock he'd taken from his only other victim.
Second of all, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me you had the apparent ability to completely disintegrate a zinc door to make your escape from quarantine. I'm both impressed and annoyed, especially since this means I'll have to actually wall you in while I try and decide whether I should have the military butcher you in cold blood or just keep you walled in, forever, perhaps making bone crafts or something? Maybe I'll give you your own forge and put you to work getting rid of all this useless lead we have kicking around. How's that sound? Metalcrafting forever in solitude? I'm just not sure if having you killed (while transformed, naturally) will cause problems or not. Probably not, but y'know what?
I'd feel kinda bad about it.
You heard me. I would feel remorse. For killing you. On account of this not really being your fault. So, here's the deal. For however long it takes for us to get you sealed up proper - if you can keep yourself from infecting anyone else during that time (especially anyone important), you can be our recluse craftsmaker. We'll drop in food and stuff... when we remember to. Sure, your family will miss you. But I'm fairly sure you probably aren't pregnant, considering our pop cap's been reached, so on the bright side, if you do have a baby you probably won't give in to bloodlust and tear it limb from limb.
...GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SPIDER SILK DROP ZONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU ABOMINATION! BEFORE THE BAD MOON RISES AGAIN!
With love,
your overseer.
Dear Overseer;
Stick a needle in ya eye! If I wanted or needed food I'd take a bite out of a neighbor! Best send me to live in the caverns.
P.S. Keep ya stinkin' booze too!
Urist McInfectee,
Pfuh to you, lady! You know just as well as I do that we have an open-access caverns policy at this fort. I see your tricks! And you're gettin' booze whether you like it or not! I don't want to wait a month for a single shitty lead craft!
Post by: Quartz_Mace on December 08, 2014, 07:38:56 pm
Shitty Lead craft? Ha! Let us see you do better, Mr. I-never-do-anything-but-criticize-you-anyway Overseer! Also, gettin' clobbed in the hedd with a sok is no joke. I seen 5 Dwarfs killed that way, and dink I sufered bran damag.Dear Urist McInfectee,
First of all, good job on survivin' that werelizard attack. Not much of a feat, considering most of what he did was bite you once (in the head), smash your hand (bringing you dangerously close to bleedin' out, but good job not doing that), and then spent about... I don't know, could'a been a whole day, maybe longer, whalin' on your head with a sock he'd taken from his only other victim.
Second of all, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me you had the apparent ability to completely disintegrate a zinc door to make your escape from quarantine. I'm both impressed and annoyed, especially since this means I'll have to actually wall you in while I try and decide whether I should have the military butcher you in cold blood or just keep you walled in, forever, perhaps making bone crafts or something? Maybe I'll give you your own forge and put you to work getting rid of all this useless lead we have kicking around. How's that sound? Metalcrafting forever in solitude? I'm just not sure if having you killed (while transformed, naturally) will cause problems or not. Probably not, but y'know what?
I'd feel kinda bad about it.
You heard me. I would feel remorse. For killing you. On account of this not really being your fault. So, here's the deal. For however long it takes for us to get you sealed up proper - if you can keep yourself from infecting anyone else during that time (especially anyone important), you can be our recluse craftsmaker. We'll drop in food and stuff... when we remember to. Sure, your family will miss you. But I'm fairly sure you probably aren't pregnant, considering our pop cap's been reached, so on the bright side, if you do have a baby you probably won't give in to bloodlust and tear it limb from limb.
...GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SPIDER SILK DROP ZONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU ABOMINATION! BEFORE THE BAD MOON RISES AGAIN!
With love,
your overseer.
Dear Overseer;
Stick a needle in ya eye! If I wanted or needed food I'd take a bite out of a neighbor! Best send me to live in the caverns.
P.S. Keep ya stinkin' booze too!
Urist McInfectee,
Pfuh to you, lady! You know just as well as I do that we have an open-access caverns policy at this fort. I see your tricks! And you're gettin' booze whether you like it or not! I don't want to wait a month for a single shitty lead craft!
Post by: deathschemist on December 09, 2014, 08:44:03 am
when i say "broker requested at depot" i mean right away, not after you've put the rubbish out despite you not being designated to do that
those elves had wood we needed, we got no trees about and YOU ruined everyone's chances of having a bed in the near future.
yours,
the overseer
Post by: Foxite on December 09, 2014, 09:03:57 am
dear urist mcbrokerDear overseer,
when i say "broker requested at depot" i mean right away, not after you've put the rubbish out despite you not being designated to do that
those elves had wood we needed, we got no trees about and YOU ruined everyone's chances of having a bed in the near future.
yours,
the overseer
The militia promised they would have taken care of obtaining the wood by "agreement", but they were interrupted when you ordered them to go after the forgotten beast that has been causing combat log spam for a very long time.
Sincerely,
Urist Mc Broker
Post by: deathschemist on December 09, 2014, 09:27:19 am
dear urist mcbrokerDear overseer,
when i say "broker requested at depot" i mean right away, not after you've put the rubbish out despite you not being designated to do that
those elves had wood we needed, we got no trees about and YOU ruined everyone's chances of having a bed in the near future.
yours,
the overseer
The militia promised they would have taken care of obtaining the wood by "agreement", but they were interrupted when you ordered them to go after the forgotten beast that has been causing combat log spam for a very long time.
Sincerely,
Urist Mc Broker
dear urist mcbroker
i don't know what sort of crack the militia commander was smoking, we're not gonna make war with the elves in the first year of being in this fortress- we haven't yet even got barracks for the militia, and we're only just starting to mine out flux stone, we haven't got the means to make steel for our militia yet and i don't want to waste good hematite and limonite on plain iron weapons.
also, that was no forgotten beast, it was a wereiguana. two dead. one injured, i'm gonna get mcmason on walling him in his room until he can prove he's no wereiguana himself... or until he dies.
yours, the overseer.
Post by: Foxite on December 09, 2014, 10:40:58 am
I must say I am dissapointed by what you have done. Every time you, as a team of ten legendary +5 miners, mine out almost anything I designate within ten seconds per 25 tiles of stone. But this time, you didn't.
Normally, I wouldn't care. But this time, I do. You see, there is a leatherworker out there who has been unhappy. Probably because of witnessing the mass murder from the last goblin raid. We kicked their asses like never before, but it didn't stop the corpses from causing horror among dwarves who have to haul them away.
I ordered a 3 rooms, in a platinum vein intersecting with a magnetite cluster, to be mined out near the nobles' quarters. These rooms would be engraved later and assigned to the unhappy dwarf to boost his mood. But for some reason, you took a whole month to mine out 3 10x10 rooms in mostly the same stone.
The dwarf went berserk. The militia had to kill him.
You failed me. Normally I would see this as an oppoturnity to test functionality of the the cleaning system of the reservoir, the drowning chamber, the magma cannon, and the safety of the magma chute, but you are my fortress' most sacred group of people, and all of you somehow have at least 4 friends despite being on job 99% of the time.
But I'm not letting this go unpunished. The next time this happens, I will be testing the aforementioned contraptions with certain subjects *cough cough*, and they are not the goblins we captured last winter.
Signed,
The Overseeer
Post by: Zac on December 09, 2014, 11:48:35 am
I have no idea how you get stuck into the well but, as an overseer, it's my duty to plan ahead and make sure the infrastructures in our fortress are safe. I take all responsibility for this truly unfortunate accident, and I present, to you and your clan, my most sincere apologies, it won't happen again.
Falling into the cistern of a well, if it goes unnoticed, can be a very dangerous situation indeed. One could die of exhaustion in that well, of hunger, of drowning, of the fall, one could die in so many tragic ways. But not you. You chose the pathetic way.
So, really Urist, tell me, I would like to know how you managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATER ?!
Sincerely,
Your disappointed Overseer.
Post by: Foxite on December 09, 2014, 12:23:43 pm
Managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATERSigged :P
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on December 09, 2014, 12:24:09 pm
Dear Urist McBetterDeadThanSoberDear Overseer,
I have no idea how you get stuck into the well but, as an overseer, it's my duty to plan ahead and make sure the infrastructures in our fortress are safe. I take all responsibility for this truly unfortunate accident, and I present, to you and your clan, my most sincere apologies, it won't happen again.
Falling into the cistern of a well, if it goes unnoticed, can be a very dangerous situation indeed. One could die of exhaustion in that well, of hunger, of drowning, of the fall, one could die in so many tragic ways. But not you. You chose the pathetic way.
So, really Urist, tell me, I would like to know how you managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATER ?!
Sincerely,
Your disappointed Overseer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to move your head down far enough to get a drink whilst preventing yourself from sinking to the point at which you cannot swim back up? And believe me, you'll drown if you try to simply submerge yourself slightly. Do you know how long I managed to keep on swimming?
Sincerely,
Urist McOuijaBoard
Post by: pisskop on December 09, 2014, 12:27:19 pm
More seriously a staircase going to the cistern is of help.
Post by: Zac on December 09, 2014, 12:52:33 pm
More seriously a staircase going to the cistern is of help.
Nope, no room for that I fear, instead I will put a slab in memory of Urist in the cistern to remind the next one to drink.
Post by: Loyal on December 09, 2014, 03:09:05 pm
Yes, you.
(http://i.imgur.com/bPxT1HG.png)
How did you manage to even GET UP THERE? And between your hunger, your thirst, the minotaur attack, and your miscarriage (my sincerest condolences for your loss), how have you not found your way back down?
Look, just ... let us get a scaffold up there. Then go to bed and stay there. No, don't bother returning to the barracks, your services in the military are no longer required.
Post by: Wooster on December 09, 2014, 03:32:25 pm
I know that you're a hotshot accountant. I know that you have to make sure you eat, drink, sleep, party, plant seeds and all the other important stuff that dwarves do.
I also know that your last trading assignment was a roaring success, convincing the mountainhome traders to part with goods worth exactly as much as we offered. I can understand your reluctance to blot that record, as inevitably must happen. But for pity's sake, you haven't answered the depot call for the last four trading missions! Do it immediately, or, since you seem to enjoy it so much, I'll have you assigned to farming permanently.
Hugs and kisses,
The Governor
Post by: Eric Blank on December 09, 2014, 03:36:39 pm
Why were you all going after that kingsnake? "Store item in stockpile?" What item? The snake was carrying nothing. You could have gone right around it; you had the whole of the great outsdoors to wander through, and it was moving away from you. Yet as soon as you saw it, all three of you decided you needed to poke it instead. And you, Urist McBlacksmith: I wanted that kingsnake alive, in a cage. I am disappointed with you.
Stop killing the interesting things,
your overseer.
Post by: Immortal-D on December 09, 2014, 09:47:11 pm
I appreciate you finding a suitable location for our new Fortress, I do. However, when you said that the Southern half of the beach contained Shallow Metal, I was expecting at least 1 vein of Iron-bearing rock. I was not expecting to find 10 full layers of exclusively dolomite, coal, and gems. While admittedly amusing, this is going to severely hamper the 'not getting ripped apart by our enemies' part of the plan, as there are only so many tigereye shortswords to go around, and gemstone armor is currently beyond our abilities. Thanks to your shoddy prospecting, we'll have to breach the caverns in search of copper, hoping our bone & gem equipped militia can handle any trouble.
Amused and annoyed at the same time, Overseer.
Post by: Littleman9Mew2 on December 09, 2014, 09:49:13 pm
I know you cannot find the item you were looking for, but do you really have to tell me x3466 times
Really x3466 times is a hefty number, so STOP BUGGING ME AND GET BACK TO WORK.
Thank you,
Mayor ------- :-X
(This was inspired by a true story)
Post by: MrCompassionate on December 10, 2014, 10:25:18 am
Dear ButchersDear Overseer,
Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.
I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden. We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile. Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it. Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves
Curiously I did have the corpse un-forbidden and well within the bounds of the burrow and lots of people with no jobs with butchery but maybe it was in the (O)rders screen that something had gone wrong?
But that can't be true because about a year or two later somebody came out and finally dragged it's salty bones down and butchered it, by which time I had almost forgotten about it. The fact that somebody did go butcher it years after I had ordered it is almost more annoying that if they simply left it forever. At least if they never did it I might have assumed they simply couldn't do it because of a glitch or something I missed. But no, they could have done it any time they wished. They simply wanted to mess around a whole bunch first.
Post by: Sprin on December 10, 2014, 10:48:24 am
you suck
Signed the overseer
Dear urist mcminer
you saved the fort from the rampaging cyclopse that killed 10 people before you decided to slowlly impale him to death.
signed the overseer
Post by: Naryar on December 11, 2014, 08:37:03 am
Truly I must be gifted with the most special fishermen ever.
Not only do you go fishing INSIDE the river instead of next the river and spam my study with dangerous terrain reports, but now you apparently lost two full barrels of fish inside the very same river.
I know 2/7 water river banks are interesting, and I know this very river having 2/7 water at it's source is strange.
Yet I built a small bridge to allow you to go fetch the fishes you have on the other side of the river, and apparently someone misplaced two barrels of fish in the river.
THE RIVER IS NOT A FOOD STOCKPILE.
If this fishy behavior (no pun intended) continues, I will be forced to remove the whole, dabbling fishing industry and you will be replaced to somewhere more interesting, like mining or military.
Seriously. Did a carp nibbled on your brain ? Or is it full of that river's water ? Or maybe all fishermen are stupid ? That must be the latter, I guess.
Signed, the overseer
Post by: da_nang on December 11, 2014, 10:58:33 am
Please kill the vulture murdering our legendary cook instead of just standing right next to it while placing bets.
Signed, Baffled Overseer.
P.S. The vulture has also collapsed from exhaustion, so get on with it.
Post by: TD1 on December 11, 2014, 06:19:23 pm
Dear Urists in the military,
Please kill the vulture murdering our legendary cook instead of just standing right next to it while placing bets.
Signed, Baffled Overseer.
P.S. The vulture has also collapsed from exhaustion, so get on with it.
Haha, this truly paints a picture of Dwarven society and outlook! No doubt they'll rush to help when they realise their food rations will be porridge without him :P
Post by: Wooster on December 12, 2014, 05:38:48 am
We've walled you in for
Now, see here: we have very kindly drafted you into your own special unit with orders to walk to that very attractive room where you can
You're perfectly able-bodied -- in rude health, indeed, and never ruder than at a particular time of the month -- so for the love of Armok, why won't you just follow orders, get off your sorry backsides and march?
Yours in weary frustration,
Guv'nor
Post by: pisskop on December 12, 2014, 08:49:38 am
I cannot get out of this bed. You see, I feel a charie horse come along every time I try. That magma room sure does look nice, but so does sittin' here getting pampered by the best doctors your money can buy. As Im sure youve noticed, Im not interested in your food; cooked meat just isnt apettizing any longer. And booze? enh. Im sure Ill be fine.
Just keep telling me to do things. Dont dconstruct my bed and throw me out of bed. I like it.
Urist
Post by: origamiscienceguy on December 12, 2014, 10:47:54 am
No.
Sincerely, The unpixilated man.
Post by: Wooster on December 12, 2014, 01:42:59 pm
Guv'nor;
I cannot get out of this bed. You see, I feel a charie horse come along every time I try. That magma room sure does look nice, but so does sittin' here getting pampered by the best doctors your money can buy. As Im sure youve noticed, Im not interested in your food; cooked meat just isnt apettizing any longer. And booze? enh. Im sure Ill be fine.
Just keep telling me to do things. Dont dconstruct my bed and throw me out of bed. I like it.
Urist
Dear Urist McHelpful,
Many thanks for your invaluable advice.
I regret to announce that our resident wereopossums appear to have Gone Missing after being sent to test out the new sauna. The fort's current theory is that there was some kind of Freak Malfunction. A magma-safe slab for each is being prepared memorialising the dwarfly manner in which they faced their end, to be placed at the spots where they bravely passed into the Halls of Armok.
After one of them initially emerged screaming something about needing new clothes, we have decided that such a dangerous sauna needs a more secure lock, so its door has now been linked to a lever. I hope this will ensure any future mistakes.
In related news, the weaver and clothesmaker are slightly peeved that some of their masterfully tailored creations have been destroyed. I am valiantly attempting to persuade them that all is well that ends well, as this is nothing compared with being bitten by a creature of the night.
Yours indebtedly,
The Guv'nor
Post by: Foxite on December 13, 2014, 06:18:58 am
Please stop mandating the construction of flutes. You know very well that you can't play, and that pretty much no living thing in the world can.
Signed,
The actual mayor.
Post by: Guvnah on December 14, 2014, 10:24:42 am
When approaching the fortress, please mind the unholy dust clouds. They are clearly visable and you could just as easily walk around them.
Post by: Thisfox on December 14, 2014, 05:12:04 pm
Dear Mayor,
Please stop mandating the construction of flutes. You know very well that you can't play, and that pretty much no living thing in the world can.
Signed,
The actual mayor.
Dear Urist McUsurpingMayor:
I'm trying my best to sponsor an entertainment industry here. If we have enough flutes, SOMEone will learn to play them, right?
Besides, I hear that the Mayor of the next dwarffort over got a really cushy warm downstairs room and a fancy tomb when he kept mandating things. I'm figuring that that might happen to me too. Perhaps ones with flutes carved on the walls and floor?
--Urist I'mTheRealMayorVoteForMe.
Post by: Walrusking on December 14, 2014, 09:10:42 pm
PLEASE CONRTOL YOUR CATS! We're only one month in, and already much of the embark site is covered in squirrel corpses! This is not going to look good in our first report to the mountainhomes.
Post by: Pencil_Art on December 15, 2014, 03:33:55 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Hey, He/She/It is just doing His/Her/It's job.
Onto the actual complaint:
Addressed to the Committee of Fisherdwarfs
How are your Fisherdwarfs just walking across the river? Is that possible?(clearly, yes) Are they like, really faithful or something? (No offense meant)
Post by: CaptainGame on December 15, 2014, 05:36:40 pm
Stop putting the volcanoes on tiny islands miles out in the ocean. We can't throw goblins into them if the goblins can't reach them.
Sincerely,
Someone who has not made nearly as many offerings as he would like to
Post by: UltraMagnus on December 15, 2014, 06:50:50 pm
Dear Urist McDoctor,
Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.
My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.
But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.
Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie
Dear Jackie,
RETURN TO AUTOBOT HEADQUARTERS AND CEASE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES ALL DAY.
Signed, Ultry.
Post by: Naryar on December 15, 2014, 07:03:08 pm
Dear Armok,
Stop putting the volcanoes on tiny islands miles out in the ocean. We can't throw goblins into them if the goblins can't reach them.
Sincerely,
Someone who has not made nearly as many offerings as he would like to
DEAR WORSHIPPER,
THE MAGMA SEA IS A FINE REPLACEMENT FOR VOLCANOES AS FAR AS SACRIFICES GO. I KNOW VOLCANOES ARE MORE ICONIC BUT I CARE NOT ON -WHERE- THIS PARTICULAR GOBLIN BURNED TO DEATH IN MY NAME AS LONG AS IT -DID- BURNED TO DEATH IN MY NAME.
ALSO, THESE GOBLINS ARE FAITHLESS HEATHENS. IF THEY WERE MORE FAITHFUL I WOULD ALLOW THEM TO WALK ON WATER TO REACH YOUR FORTRESS AND SPILL THEIR BLOOD AND YOUR DWARVES'S BLOOD, BUT HEY. THEY'RE GOBLINS. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE GODS.
IT IS NEVERTHELESS GOOD TO HAVE A DEDICATED WORSHIPER.
HOWEVER, I DO NOT FEEL YOU HAD ENOUGH FUN LATELY AND IT DOES NOT PLEASE ME. HERE, I HAVE DROPPED A FEW DOZEN ZOMBIE ELEPHANTS JUST NEXT TO YOUR FORT. HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
SINCERELY,
ARMOK, GOD OF BLOOD
Post by: mate888 on December 15, 2014, 07:06:06 pm
Are you sure you don't have any better name for the fortress? Really?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: CaptainGame on December 15, 2014, 07:26:05 pm
Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader:
Are you sure you don't have any better name for the fortress? Really?
Dear Overseer Guy,
Duuuuuuude, not, like, cool.
Sincerely, Urist McWhoaMan
PS: Got any plump helmets? I, like, have the munchies, man.
Post by: Wheeljack on December 16, 2014, 09:37:58 am
Dear Jackie,
RETURN TO AUTOBOT HEADQUARTERS AND CEASE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES ALL DAY.
Signed, Ultry.
Dear Magpie,
After you, sir~
Sincerely,
Jackie <3
P.S. Seems someone does know the meaning of fun!
On a slightly different note...
Dear McHunter,
You took the time to climb that damn tree, you can take the time to climb back down it. I suppose I could have the carpenter cut it down - like the last three times - but I have a feeling your affinity for the high, leafy, green places of the world will only ensure you wind up right back in some other tree. I am not completely lazy, however! I did take the time to change your name in our registry. You will hence forth be known as Tarzan Treelover. Hope you can figure out how to pick your own fruit and drink rain water. Yes, yes, rain is not booze, but honestly, you've only brought this on yourself!
Come back down, and we'll talk, m'kay?
Your exasperated overseer,
Jackie
Post by: The Dorfmeister on December 16, 2014, 01:33:36 pm
I know your job is hunting and I know how you love it, but IF you have to go hunting, PLEASE don´t waste your crossbow bolts on that harmless, little weasel instead of hunting down that pack of hungry dingoes over there. Or the wild boars that provide far more meat than some (actually unbutcherable) weasel.
Sincerely - your hungry Overseer
Post by: CaptainGame on December 16, 2014, 03:10:22 pm
The giant gray langurs endemic to our new home have been a perennial pain in the beard for some time now, stealing things like clothing, bins of fruit, and the majority of the bones formerly located in your hands. While I can appreciate the tragedy of your situation and respect your determination to carry on with your dorfy life, I would deeply appreciate it if you would stop trying to get your spare hat into your cabinet with your feet and, more to the point, complaining to me when it does not work out.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer, who has better things to do than worry about whether or not you can organize your socks
Post by: pisskop on December 16, 2014, 03:23:32 pm
Dear Urist McCripple,Take away his cabinet. He'll leave it on the floor. Assuming he can get it to the room.
The giant gray langurs endemic to our new home have been a perennial pain in the beard for some time now, stealing things like clothing, bins of fruit, and the majority of the bones formerly located in your hands. While I can appreciate the tragedy of your situation and respect your determination to carry on with your dorfy life, I would deeply appreciate it if you would stop trying to get your spare hat into your cabinet with your feet and, more to the point, complaining to me when it does not work out.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer, who has better things to do than worry about whether or not you can organize your socks
Post by: CaptainGame on December 16, 2014, 03:28:55 pm
Post by: 20firebird on December 16, 2014, 05:00:44 pm
Why did it take you 2 weeks to build that wall? I told you several times that it needed to be done quick so nothing else would crawl up from the caves (remember Lonetaught?), but you spent ages dwaddling around doing Armok knows what. What if the cave crocodile found its way in? It would have been a massacre!
Sincerely,
Your very annoyed overseer.
P.S. Since I'm pretty sure at least one of you is too new to know about Lonetaught; he was a blind cave ogre that popped up while I was carving out the dining hall. He killed three dwarves before we got rid of him.
Post by: CaptainGame on December 16, 2014, 05:47:01 pm
P.S. Since I'm pretty sure at least one of you is too new to know about Lonetaught; he was a blind cave ogre that popped up while I was carving out the dining hall. He killed three dwarves before we got rid of him.
dEar dwarVe owneR pERsuN:
mE lIek thEt StoRI. teLl ag en.
lUntaUt
Post by: UltraMagnus on December 16, 2014, 07:42:54 pm
Dear Urist McLegendaryGelder:
No.
Sincerely, The unpixilated man.
Dear unpixilated overseerer,
You must understand my struggles to be such a profession. Absolutely nobody appreciates what I do, and for some reason even the military fears me. I don't know why, I'm such a great gelder that most of my patients can hardly tell a difference! Perhaps you would like to come into my offices for a free examination?
Sincerely, Urist McLegendaryGelder
Post by: ikachan on December 17, 2014, 05:58:08 pm
If you are upset that your relative died in the hospital then perhaps you should have fed him...
Sincerely your overseer who does not like it when you start a tantrum spiral
Post by: CaptainGame on December 18, 2014, 09:29:10 pm
Couldn't you have been something funny like a wereiguana or a werecamel or something? If my fort has to fall I'd prefer it to fall to something entertainingly stupid.
Sincerely,
Ex-Overseer, who somehow finds his fort full of homicidal bear things kind of disappointing
Post by: AlexanderTheIncompetant on December 18, 2014, 10:28:20 pm
Fists are not a more powerful weapon than battleaxes. For Armok's sake, stop making that panda suffer.
Post by: pisskop on December 18, 2014, 11:24:47 pm
Its been almost 2 years. Can I please appoint a commander so I can establish a fucking army? Id like to not have to fight the semimegasbeasts with no goddamn military . . .
A rather irritated overseer.
Post by: Nyxalinth on December 19, 2014, 04:11:10 pm
Stop beating on that panda and get back to work! She wasn't bothering any of you, aside from cancellation spam. Seriously, you're going to piss off the Chinese government. Also, Mists of Pandaria may not have been the best WoW xpac, but it was still fun.
None of you know kung-fu, much less Panda Kung-Fu. also, none of you even has Discipline skill. You should be running away, nor fighting!
I guess it's good practice, though.
Your puzzled Overseer
ETA: To add to the hilarity, other dorfs are bringing them food and water when they get hungry or thirsty.
ETA the Second: It's finally dead. The carpenter punched its head off.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on December 19, 2014, 05:27:27 pm
Post by: pisskop on December 19, 2014, 05:28:58 pm
I wish dwarves would choke when an enemy is unconscious, so that they wouldn't just stand there pummeling a half-dead whatever.You don't want that. Nope. If dwarves started prioritizing wrestling than everything else would too. Nope.
Post by: pisskop on December 22, 2014, 05:48:09 pm
You deserve this for going on break after you hooked up the mechanisms to the bridge but before you pulled the lever. At least the migrants stand a chance now. Maybe.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I hope that cloud makes you sterile; death is already coming in the form of a duck.
An overseer who doesn't care any more.
Post by: Thisfox on December 23, 2014, 01:16:57 am
ETA: To add to the hilarity, other dorfs are bringing them food and water when they get hungry or thirsty.
"You're doing a great job, there Urist. I don't want this job, thanks for doing it for me, here, have a panda spleen biscuit to keep you going."
Post by: Wooster on December 24, 2014, 11:09:06 am
Stop beating on that panda and get back to work! She wasn't bothering any of you, aside from cancellation spam. Seriously, you're going to piss off the Chinese government. Also, Mists of Pandaria may not have been the best WoW xpac, but it was still fun.
Dear Urists of House Nyxalinth,
Well done for failing to take any casualties in your recent panda extermination efforts. We lost our best bone carver and somedwarf else when they foolishly attempted to tackle the black-eyed menace without weapons, armour or, indeed, common sense.
Urists of House Wooster
Post by: Knight Solaire on December 24, 2014, 11:22:10 am
Yes, I know that your pet masked lovebird is inaccessible. No, I don't want to be reminded about it every half a second. Yes, you deserved to be dropped from the drawbridge into the room of traps. No, I'm not sure whether I'm glad you survived that or not.
Post by: Bumber on December 26, 2014, 09:28:03 am
I hope that cloud makes you sterile; death is already coming in the form of a duck.Only in DF.
Post by: Akura on December 26, 2014, 01:36:20 pm
I do not see the duck thrall in the image.I hope that cloud makes you sterile; death is already coming in the form of a duck.Only in DF.
Post by: Adragis on December 26, 2014, 02:33:12 pm
Kindly stop murdering people your adventuring partner just made peace with.
Yes, I realise that's how you handle politics.
Post by: Thisfox on January 01, 2015, 07:45:12 pm
Please, by all that is holy, can you take better care of your bloody nobles? I've got rather a lot of startled heirs here, and the last thing I need is more of them. Everyone, the nobles, the heirs, and our entire fort, all of whom are currently working on making yet another set of armor stands and weapon racks, gem encrusted chests, and digging out yet another set of appropriate rooms, every sodding one of us will be happier if you stop having unfortunate accidents up there. We were prepared for two or three nobles here in Crystallove, sure, but frankly I think you should start investing in some poison test kits, because five freshly minted nobles in a fort which only pierced the aquifer last month is quite enough already, thankyou so goddamn much.
p.s.
If you're determined to send all your titles here, perhaps you could also send us some migrants who know how to do something useful? I now have three gelders, thankyou so sodding much. If they gelded nobles, they might have been more useful, but as it is, a few migrants who knew how to engrave or encrust with gems might go a long way here. Or one who knows how to make rings, we've got rather a lot of mandates going on right about now, and all our metalworkers are now in prison. Thanks again.
--Overseer.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on January 01, 2015, 08:54:39 pm
Dear Mafol, future military commander
You deserve this for going on break after you hooked up the mechanisms to the bridge but before you pulled the lever. At least the migrants stand a chance now. Maybe.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I hope that cloud makes you sterile; death is already coming in the form of a duck.
An overseer who doesn't care any more.
I don't get it. What cloud, what duck, what's all that grey and purple stuff?
Post by: BlackFlyme on January 01, 2015, 08:59:39 pm
I don't get it. What cloud, what duck, what's all that grey and purple stuff?
Evil region. A security system was installed but not turned on when it should have been. Hence why the migrants now have a chance of entering the fort.
The cloud is a husking or thralling cloud, that caught a duck, turning it into possibly one of the most terrifying ducks in the known world.
The purple and gray are just evil plants. Wormy tendrils and staring eyes.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 02, 2015, 11:57:48 am
Would you please stop doing all the non important filler jobs I gave you to keep you occupied when I want you to do your important metal crafting magic.
--Mysterious force
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 05, 2015, 04:00:57 pm
I had a variety of cloth available, but none of it was good enough to suit your persnickety ass. From what I could see in your preferences, you didn't even prefer a certain type. So of course you had to pick the one of which I did not have enough. It's your own damn fault your mood failed and you went berserk. did you have to punch all the dog's teeth out? I gave you a slab, only because given how you died you would become a berserk ghost.
Given that you claimed a Crap (craft) shop instead of the mason's shop I had hoped for, and I have two other very proficient masons, it's no big loss, I suppose.
The overseer of Craftsclimax
Post by: bigcalm on January 11, 2015, 04:18:17 pm
When you failed to show up last year[1], I assumed that ours was the last outpost of dwarven civilization. I wept bitter tears for our race - but resolved to try to succeed where others of our race had failed. Our miner, Avuz, was appointed queen to rule over us, and wise and noble she is too. So, when you turned up the following year, I was expecting a lot of news - a previously forgotten mountainhome had been discovered perhaps? A new mountainhome had emerged? A great siege had been overcome? No - the only thing you told me that there was a new queen and mayor of Floorteach - and I can't help noticing that this is our settlement, and that engravings of it are all over the place that you saw as you came in. I'm forced to assume one of two things
1) You're an incompetent oaf
OR
2) You cooked up the whole scheme with Queen Avuz before we set out so she could get the platinum footstools she always wanted.
Please bring me some proper news,
Overseer of Dakostamal, "Floorteach"
[1] No outpost liason ... how curious!
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 11, 2015, 04:38:16 pm
Y'all mofo's need Dagon. Or a hobby. Seriously, with all of you feeling that randy all the time, how is anything going to get done? I embarked with you lot as CIV_CONTROLLABLE so I could get a feel for how balanced your personality traits are. I think I need to tweak the LUST_PROPENSITY for your race. I know that when Battlespire came out in 1998 you were described as oversexed and unpredictable, but this is getting silly.
Get a hobby!
Amused and a little discomfited,
She Who Creates All
Post by: bigcalm on January 11, 2015, 05:42:43 pm
Whilst I admire your ambition, nay expertise, radishes are not a suitable item for the still. I've mostly got my eyesight back now but two of our senior military dwarves may not be so lucky. We will be loading all two hundred barrels of said product on to the wagons of the next passing elf caravan with good riddance. If they go blind, they won't be able to find us.
Yours gratefully,
Overseer of Dakostamal, "Floorteach"
Post by: 99Hedgehog on January 11, 2015, 11:03:49 pm
Stop falling into the trenches you retard.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: Knit tie on January 12, 2015, 09:16:19 am
Dear brewers of Dakostamal,
Whilst I admire your ambition, nay expertise, radishes are not a suitable item for the still. I've mostly got my eyesight back now but two of our senior military dwarves may not be so lucky. We will be loading all two hundred barrels of said product on to the wagons of the next passing elf caravan with good riddance. If they go blind, they won't be able to find us.
Yours gratefully,
Overseer of Dakostamal, "Floorteach"
Wait, why would radishes cause people to go blind? Do they brew into methanol or something?
Post by: Magnumcannon on January 12, 2015, 09:24:50 am
When channelling, specially when there are logs around, be extremely careful on where you are digging, like, don't dig straight down! You saw what happened to Urist McLegendaryMiner yesterday, ya know, when the highwood log exploded his whole body and splashed blood all around the newly constructed farm plot.
The all-mighty overseer.
Post by: bigcalm on January 12, 2015, 06:40:59 pm
Wait, why would radishes cause people to go blind? Do they brew into methanol or something?
With a game like Dwarf Fortress, this seems very possible. However, it has been suggested (by the brewers) that the actual cause of the blindness was a forgotten beast - I refuse to believe it personally, I think it's the oh-my-god-what-were-you-thinking radish wine.
Dear Queen Avuz,
Don't you think we have enough anvils? A note landed on my desk to say you were insisting we make another 3. We already have dozens of the things and you can't exactly miss them - they're big and heavy and we have no plans to build any more forges. Have you seen Road runner and Wile E Coyote? Well let's just see what happens if you demand more anvils be made and I'll see what happens when a masterwork steel anvil drops on your head.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Dakostamal, "Floorteach"
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 12, 2015, 07:35:52 pm
You go out and build a useless artifact window then demand your right to a throne and put a relative in as your consort....
Are you kidding me?!? And now you want more ballista parts?!? Why!!???!!?
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: the1337doofus on January 12, 2015, 09:06:01 pm
I hate you. I HATE YOU.
We had bloodsteel, we had iron, we had damn near every weapons grade material you can think of, and exactly ONE bar of Bifrost. Bifrost that I was saving for a sword, and what do you go and grab?
You grab. The fucking. Bifrost.
Now, not only have you wasted it on a fucking BOLA THROWER, you have added 210,000 OrcBux in value to the fortress. This is bound to bring heavily armed sieges to our front door, when we have a military that is barely geared enough to handle a siege from the elves armed with blunt mithril weaponry.
It is, for this reason, I am executing you. We have two other weaponsmiths, who I can easily train to legendary. You are worthless to me, and since you have commited this mistake, you will be made an example of.
Ta-Fucking-Ta,
Your pissed off Overseer.
Post by: Magnumcannon on January 12, 2015, 09:09:30 pm
A note to MoodyOrc McWeaponSmithFair enough.
I hate you. I HATE YOU.
We had bloodsteel, we had iron, we had damn near every weapons grade material you can think of, and exactly ONE bar of Bifrost. Bifrost that I was saving for a sword, and what do you go and grab?
You grab. The fucking. Bifrost.
Now, not only have you wasted it on a fucking BOLA THROWER, you have added 210,000 OrcBux in value to the fortress. This is bound to bring heavily armed sieges to our front door, when we have a military that is barely geared enough to handle a siege from the elves armed with blunt mithril weaponry.
It is, for this reason, I am executing you. We have two other weaponsmiths, who I can easily train to legendary. You are worthless to me, and since you have commited this mistake, you will be made an example of.
Ta-Fucking-Ta,
Your pissed off Overseer.
Post by: pisskop on January 13, 2015, 09:01:35 pm
You see anything that walks on it dies 2 clicks after it touches it, and you see a strange substance on them bodies! Stay off the grass!
Administration.
Post by: Pirate Santa on January 14, 2015, 06:59:49 am
Why the HFS are you taking your break in the refuse pile?
That's just weird dude, if you like mussell shells that much I'll make you some crafts but please just find somewhere else to spend your leisure time, okay?
Signed,
The Overseer.
Post by: pisskop on January 14, 2015, 02:43:24 pm
Damnit Guys! Stay off the grass with the sludge on it! Its not a hard concept, is it? How many traffic orders do I have to put up?STAY OFF THE FRACKING GRASS YOU STUPID SIMPLETONS! THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON THE SLUDGE! EVERYONE WHO DOES DIES OF BRAINROT IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES, AND LIQUEFIES IN THE WORST CASES!!!
You see anything that walks on it dies 2 clicks after it touches it, and you see a strange substance on them bodies! Stay off the grass!
Administration.
YOU DON"T NEED THE WEAPONSMITH"S SOCKS, BECAUSE THEY ARE COATED IN NECROTIC BACTERIA! CEASE YOUR INSISTENCE ON WANDERING OVER THERE!
Post by: CHR1SZ on January 16, 2015, 10:59:42 am
Please leave the giant toad alone. I don't care if it's on the main stairway, it's unconscious and can't hurt you at the moment. Only 3 of you seem prepared to do jobs any more, the rest of you don't seem to care that our food and booze production has ground to a halt. If you insist on putting off everything else until the monster is dead, then at least use one of the felling axes, it'll take you months to punch through a skull that thick.
The Overseer.
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 16, 2015, 11:22:27 pm
Damnit Guys! Stay off the grass with the sludge on it! Its not a hard concept, is it? How many traffic orders do I have to put up?STAY OFF THE FRACKING GRASS YOU STUPID SIMPLETONS! THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON THE SLUDGE! EVERYONE WHO DOES DIES OF BRAINROT IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES, AND LIQUEFIES IN THE WORST CASES!!!
You see anything that walks on it dies 2 clicks after it touches it, and you see a strange substance on them bodies! Stay off the grass!
Administration.
YOU DON"T NEED THE WEAPONSMITH"S SOCKS, BECAUSE THEY ARE COATED IN NECROTIC BACTERIA! CEASE YOUR INSISTENCE ON WANDERING OVER THERE!
Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. why are you standing in the sludge? Get out of the sludge. You died.
Dwarf: Oh, I thought I was supposed to be iN the sludge...
Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. why are you in the sludge again? Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. You're dead.
Post by: Magnumcannon on January 16, 2015, 11:23:29 pm
It was inevitable.Damnit Guys! Stay off the grass with the sludge on it! Its not a hard concept, is it? How many traffic orders do I have to put up?STAY OFF THE FRACKING GRASS YOU STUPID SIMPLETONS! THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON THE SLUDGE! EVERYONE WHO DOES DIES OF BRAINROT IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES, AND LIQUEFIES IN THE WORST CASES!!!
You see anything that walks on it dies 2 clicks after it touches it, and you see a strange substance on them bodies! Stay off the grass!
Administration.
YOU DON"T NEED THE WEAPONSMITH"S SOCKS, BECAUSE THEY ARE COATED IN NECROTIC BACTERIA! CEASE YOUR INSISTENCE ON WANDERING OVER THERE!
Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. why are you standing in the sludge? Get out of the sludge. You died.
Dwarf: Oh, I thought I was supposed to be iN the sludge...
Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. why are you in the sludge again? Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. You're dead.
Post by: Urist McShire on January 17, 2015, 03:36:40 pm
The Goblin Siege was routed. You all fought bravely to remove them from our lands...SO WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP GOING CRAZY AND FIGHTING EACH OTHER!? I DON'T NEED TO BURY MORE OF YOUR KIN IN AN UNNECESSARY SCUFFLE!
Sincerely,
Your Overseer (who really doesn't want to lose more of you than he has to)
Post by: Punching Bag on January 17, 2015, 04:45:03 pm
It has come to my attention that you have taken some liberties with your living arrangements while I was away reclaiming another fortress. It is puzzling that despite the fact you were provided with purely royal chambers you have decided to move your quarters. To another town. You are no longer available for the citizens to make their case(s) to, and you have also hindered my efforts to become the mountainhome. Please return at your earliest (read: ASAP) convenience so we may continue to thrive.
In Bewilderment,
Overseer
Post by: 94dima94 on January 18, 2015, 01:40:54 pm
how, in the name of Armok, did you think THAT was a good place to stop the wagon?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Well, I tried. But you could barely reach your picks before the ice melted, so it's not my fault at all. Have fun in the water, you idiots!
EDIT: Nope, nobody survived. Well, this was interesting...
Post by: Magnumcannon on January 18, 2015, 01:46:22 pm
Dear Urist mcEveryone,Urist 1 has been scuttled!
how, in the name of Armok, did you think THAT was a good place to stop the wagon?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Well, I tried. But you could barely reach your picks before the ice melted, so it's not my fault at all. Have fun in the water, you idiots!
EDIT: Nope, nobody survived. Well, this was interesting...
Urist 2 has been scuttled!
Urist 3 has been scuttled!
Urist 4 has been scuttled!
Urist 5 has been scuttled!
Urist 6 has been scuttled!
Urist 7 has been scuttled!
Your settlement has crumbled to its end. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=128593.0)
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 25, 2015, 02:39:42 pm
When you claimed a glass furnace, I didn't hold high hopes for the fort's first artifact. You're a craftsdremora, after all. I checked your likes and dislikes, and saw you like helms and thrones. I still didn't have much hope, but I was curious to see what you'd do. You grabbed one piece of glass...
...and turned out a boring but very useful glass throne. While I'm unsure how you managed to construct an entire throne out of one chunk of glass with enough to spare for hanging rings (Hermeus Mora may know; I do not) I'm very pleased. I hope that your Kyn remember your example when future moods strike. Too bad you stayed a craftsdremora: legendary glass guy would have been awesome.
Your pleased overseer
Post by: Thisfox on January 25, 2015, 06:30:10 pm
Dear Urist mcEveryone,
how, in the name of Armok, did you think THAT was a good place to stop the wagon?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Overseer.
Urist McDrunkdriver was at the helm again, and the next thing we knew, there was wind whistling past our ears, and we landed on the ice. Surrounded by cliffs, and a scattering of animals which had escaped their broken tethers and cages. We were just managing to stumble out of the wagon (Which, I might note, was NOT installed with airbags, nor seatbelts) when there was a series of loud cracks in the ice, and it was entirely not our fault what happened next.
Next time, don't make the man in charge a sodding brewer.
Thanks.
Your seven dwarves.
Post by: enisea on January 29, 2015, 05:51:04 pm
I have chosen you to carve the one fortification needed for our glass industry. Was it absolutely necessary to lick the magma?
Now we have come to this...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on January 30, 2015, 04:28:51 am
Dear Zuglar,http://youtu.be/LPU7V64_K3s?t=20m46s
I have chosen you to carve the one fortification needed for our glass industry. Was it absolutely necessary to lick the magma?
Now we have come to this...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Thisfox on January 30, 2015, 04:42:37 am
Dear Zuglar,
I have chosen you to carve the one fortification needed for our glass industry. Was it absolutely necessary to lick the magma?
Now we have come to this...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I love how there are even tears on Zuglars face. That's... it's just such an excellent game, this game.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on January 30, 2015, 06:53:48 am
Post by: enisea on January 30, 2015, 10:22:06 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on January 30, 2015, 11:33:17 am
Post by: Larix on January 30, 2015, 11:40:21 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 30, 2015, 11:50:35 am
Why did you not take the long way back for your hauling job and avoid the giant cave bat. Why didn't you just stay out of its way, why couldn't you run faster? Not that you are all that important of a dwarf just that you now can not walk or grab things. You got your knee set and sewn but your hands are destroyed.
Now I have to watch you crawl down 40 flights of stairs to go get food then crawl all the way back up.
Post by: enisea on January 30, 2015, 05:12:38 pm
It's more likely to be an evil biome. If the wrestler corpse also manages to rise (before it gets degraded out of existence by the fire), there'd be genuine ‼fun‼ in the fort.It is. I hope he doesn't. Returning to the topic:
Dear Dumat,
you have managed to succeed where many others failed. Well done!
Also, congratulations for the most !!dwarven!! way to kill a zombie.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Please do rest in peace.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on January 30, 2015, 05:30:13 pm
Post by: Thisfox on January 30, 2015, 06:28:57 pm
He boiled it to death with his own blood ????It's more likely to be an evil biome. If the wrestler corpse also manages to rise (before it gets degraded out of existence by the fire), there'd be genuine ‼fun‼ in the fort.It is. I hope he doesn't. Returning to the topic:
Dear Dumat,
you have managed to succeed where many others failed. Well done!
Also, congratulations for the most !!dwarven!! way to kill a zombie.Your well-deserved price is this nice ☼gabbro coffin☼Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Please do rest in peace.
Yup. He did. Very very !!dwarfy!! indeed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Fortress:
I just heard that another fortress has dwarves who are capable of destroying each other using their own weaponised blood. You lot couldn't kill an angry capybara in the dining room with decorated weapons and plate armour! I'm very disappointed. The children it managed to maim and kill are very disappointed as well. And now we have a depressed doctor. The Gods only know how that's going to turn out. Good luck recovering from your capybara-induced injuries without a trained doctor.
--The Overseer.
Post by: reality.auditor on February 01, 2015, 06:56:52 am
why you don't bash with crossbow when it would be actually useful? And if you insist to stop hunting due to lack of ammo and return to fortress, you can just run past this damn unconscious giant otter, you moron.
Post by: pisskop on February 01, 2015, 07:02:30 am
]
Yup. He did. Very very !!dwarfy!! indeed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Fortress:
I just heard that another fortress has dwarves who are capable of destroying each other using their own weaponised blood. You lot couldn't kill an angry capybara in the dining room with decorated weapons and plate armour! I'm very disappointed. The children it managed to maim and kill are very disappointed as well. And now we have a depressed doctor. The Gods only know how that's going to turn out. Good luck recovering from your capybara-induced injuries without a trained doctor.
--The Overseer.
Dear overseer;
Havent you ever heard the tales if the fearsome Capybara demons?
How do we know that he wasnt one of them? Should we abandon caution within our own home?
Nay, much better that we took the time to understand the beastie first.
With Stern Regards
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 01, 2015, 08:39:10 am
Can you not Chanel out stone without standing in the pit being filled with water? Three out of five of you died!
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Peasents/haulers,
When a caravan is in town and all the cut gems are marked for trade, those should tak living priority over freaking stones!
Post by: The Big D on February 02, 2015, 04:25:04 am
Next time you decide to park the wagon, DON'T DO IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 12 STRONG HERD OF ALLIGATORS AND THEN RUN OFF TO THE HIPPOS FOR CONSOLATION!
Sincerely, the hive queen.
Post by: Pirate Santa on February 02, 2015, 05:17:07 am
I would like to thank you all for your outstanding performance during the highly risky recent operation. Channeling out grooves in all those frozen pools and filling them with walls has finally allowed us to complete construction of the compound wall and drawbridges, the security of the fortress is now assured. Congratulations is in order for completing the operation without a single casualty, and just in time for the arrival of spring. I am incredibly proud of you all.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Dear Urist McRandomDumbass,
I would like to thank you for ruining our perfect safety record two days later by walking over a rampless pool just as it thawed while on your way to complete a job which should have been perfectly safe. Your body will be retrieved and laid to rest in approximately 9 months when the pool freezes again. I am incredibly disappointed in you.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: Adragis on February 03, 2015, 02:29:29 am
You have contributed to dwarf society by somehow limiting the damage caused by the recent tantrum spiral to only your family and nobody else.
Unfortunately, your relatives are mostly Legendary craftsdwarves, and about half my entire crafting population.
You have been awarded the rank of Major, posthumously of course. Please follow the enclosed map to the lava pool and hit the lever there and await promotion.
--Overseer
Post by: Pirate Santa on February 04, 2015, 02:43:04 am
I ordered you to the depot to trade with the elves, only to be told you couldn't access it.
I was extremely puzzled as to how this could be, so I tracked you down.
Now I'd like to know, how the hell did you get up there!?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.
Sincerely,
The (thoroughly confused) Overseer.
Post by: Bumber on February 04, 2015, 08:12:41 am
Dear Urist McBroker,Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe he
I ordered you to the depot to trade with the elves, only to be told you couldn't access it.
I was extremely puzzled as to how this could be, so I tracked you down.
Now I'd like to know, how the hell did you get up there!?You're badly injured but all the the combat log shows is a couple of lines about various body parts "taking the full force of the impact".Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.
Sincerely,
The (thoroughly confused) Overseer.
Post by: Thisfox on February 06, 2015, 06:51:14 am
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe hethought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that treehad a climbing mishap from a higher level.)
It's possible. I've had horses suddenly and unexpectedly up trees that weren't there before. Also, on at least one occasion, the merchant caravan got hit by a fast growing tree... They're dangerous things.
Post by: blazing glory on February 06, 2015, 07:40:33 am
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe hethought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that treehad a climbing mishap from a higher level.)
It's possible. I've had horses suddenly and unexpectedly up trees that weren't there before. Also, on at least one occasion, the merchant caravan got hit by a fast growing tree... They're dangerous things.
The way it's being described it sounds more like Elves have planted landmines all over the place to attack poor Dwarves with trees.
Post by: Ieb on February 06, 2015, 11:39:40 am
When the Fortress Guard decide to dispense justice to a new recruit among your ranks, and exercise unnecessary force, it is not a proper reaction to such tragedy to turn your blades towards your kin. Due to the rash decision by our militia commander, and several others, our 30-strong force of masters of their weapon are now but 10. Due to the unfortunate events earlier this year, it seems unlikely as well that we will be able to entice migrants from back home to come here to replenish our need for a strong and dependable defensive force.
Dear Fortress Guard:
Next time, just throw the fucker in jail.
Post by: Gutsy on February 06, 2015, 03:20:17 pm
I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?
If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.
- Overseer 'Gutsy'
Post by: blazing glory on February 06, 2015, 05:25:07 pm
Dear Urist McMason:
I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?
If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.
- Overseer 'Gutsy'
Dear annoying overseer Gutsy:
We Dwarves will always be able to smell out good stone beneath or above us better than we can smell them on our current level, the Fortress Guard will support me on this matter.
If ye moved yer fancy stone stockpile a Z level below me and placed the stairs next to me workshop, then I will almost certainly use that instead.
Yours truly, Urist McMason.
(I'm pretty sure there was a bug that caused Dwarves to not be able to factor Z levels into distance, so they'll go deep under ground to grab a rock rather then one in the stock pile because the rock was right under him when he was at his workshop.)
(It may have been fixed though.)
Post by: Urist McShire on February 06, 2015, 05:29:27 pm
Dear Urist McMason:
I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?
If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.
- Overseer 'Gutsy'
Dear annoying overseer Gutsy:
We Dwarves will always be able to smell out good stone beneath or above us better than we can smell them on our current level, the Fortress Guard will support me on this matter.
If ye moved yer fancy stone stockpile a Z level below me and placed the stairs next to me workshop, then I will almost certainly use that instead.
Yours truly, Urist McMason.
(I'm pretty sure there was a bug that caused Dwarves to not be able to factor Z levels into distance, so they'll go deep under ground to grab a rock rather then one in the stock pile because the rock was right under him when he was at his workshop.)
(It may have been fixed though.)
Dear Urist McMason,
While your nose for quality stone is certainly excellent, perhaps it might improve productivity if I chain you to your post or assign you, your workshop, and the stone stockpile I provided for you to the same burrow? You see, there's been a rush of deaths in recent months, and we really would like to have some coffins and slabs dedicated to remembering the fallen 'lest they start haunting the place.
Sincerely,
-Overseer's Aide, Urist McShire
(Even better, use a stockpile link to force him to use those boulders)
Post by: Gutsy on February 07, 2015, 09:13:36 am
Post by: Huntthetroll on February 07, 2015, 12:47:01 pm
You have ranged weapons for a reason. DO NOT engage the undead in melee combat. For Armok's sake, use your heads!
Kadol Ensebdastot, militia commander
Post by: Pirate Santa on February 07, 2015, 08:16:59 pm
ATTN: all MarksdwarvesATTN: Kadol Ensebdastot, militia commander
You have ranged weapons for a reason. DO NOT engage the undead in melee combat. For Armok's sake, use your heads!
Kadol Ensebdastot, militia commander
Why would we bash them with our heads when bashing them with our crossbows is so much more effective?
Your Marksdwarves.
Post by: Pirate Santa on February 08, 2015, 12:28:22 am
Goddamn elven tree mines. I should have known.What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe hethought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that treehad a climbing mishap from a higher level.)
It's possible. I've had horses suddenly and unexpectedly up trees that weren't there before. Also, on at least one occasion, the merchant caravan got hit by a fast growing tree... They're dangerous things.
The way it's being described it sounds more like Elves have planted landmines all over the place to attack poor Dwarves with trees.
That tickled me. Have a poorly drawn MS paint picture.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iapetus on February 08, 2015, 01:31:43 pm
Thank you for killing that kobold thief.
However, I am rather disappointed that it took all of you to do so, and only after chasing him around the entire map several times (and despite him at one point fleeing into the fortress).
Also, having examined the combat logs, I'm slightly puzzled why so many of you were charging at your own allies.
I think you all need to attend remedial tactics training, or Armok help us when the wererabbit returns.
Post by: Huntthetroll on February 08, 2015, 06:42:24 pm
ATTN: all Marksdwarves
You have ranged weapons for a reason. DO NOT engage the undead in melee combat. For Armok's sake, use your heads!
Kadol Ensebdastot, militia commander
Urist tried using his head, but after he pulled it off it re-animated and started attacking us. Do you think hands might work better?
Sincerely,
A concerned Marksdwarf
Kadol Ensebdastot, militia captain cancels Kill zombies: Went Insane.
Kadol Ensebdastot, militia captain has gone berserk!
Post by: Timbatim on February 09, 2015, 06:26:35 am
I just wanted to drop in the information, that this is no democracy.
When I designate Urist McSteellover as Mayor, Expedition Leader, Broker, and every other noble position and give him steel furniture I would like to keep it that way. He just wants earrings every now and then and does not have any stupid ideas about mandates.
In contrast to your "elected" mayor, which is a simple scumbag.
As a matter of fact, I would like you to notice that loitering in the meeting area is allowed, but only for breaks and partys. If work is available, please do it. Oh, and do it faster, because I do not want to wait 2 years for the little task of 800 steelbars. Some of you are legendary+5 smelters, act like it.
Another issue I like to adress is your job canceling after witnessing death, because I build walls around the butchershop, so you do not have to see that your eating habits have consequences for other living beeings.
I heard rumors about all but two Carpenters being high skilled miners with all masterful steel picks, I would like to see you using them on the langurs chasing you. It is no need for 40 dwarfes to run away from an ape or some kagaroo or whatever when nearly everyone of you can block crossbow bolts out of the air casually with their fucking masterful steelpicks while running in another direction.
Please Urist McNoBrain, just do your job and I do mine.
Sincerly,
the overseer.
P.S.:
Do what I mean, not what you think is best. I know better.
Post by: Dark One on February 10, 2015, 11:56:01 am
We know how dangerous is your duty. Undead ravens have already killed five dwarves, so if You happen to die soon we're digging massive communal crypt just behind walls of your room!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Good night, sleep tight,
Gravediggers.
Post by: Pirate Santa on February 23, 2015, 11:24:55 pm
Your speedy response to the plight of our injured soldier is much appreciated. Your choice of operating table leaves something to be desired however.
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/61682997/Screenshot%202015-02-24%2015.05.png)
Why are you performing surgery on the Chief Med Dwarf's desk?
Signed,
Your eternally confounded Overseer.
Post by: Adragis on February 24, 2015, 02:30:55 am
I regret to inform you that your son was killed recently whilst he was wrestling a weregrizzly.
Is this mindless stupidity hereditary?
yours,
Overseer
Post by: TheFlame52 on February 24, 2015, 09:56:20 am
What's he going to use it for, eating on? No, that there's a surgery table if I ever saw one. He uses it for surgery too, you know!
Signed,
Urist McSurgeon
Post by: TheKaspa on February 24, 2015, 10:30:55 am
Post by: MobRules on February 26, 2015, 09:38:00 pm
The reason I sent ARCHER units after the weresheep while keeping the MELEE units away was because this is a situation where ranged weapons are a huge advantage.
Why you wanted to IGNORE that advantage and engage a violent creature with no ranged attack at melee range is beyond me. (Espescially when that creature can transmit lycanthopy by biting, not that that's an issue, since those of you that were too stupid to live, didn't).
I know it was foolish of me to assume that you'd use your crossbows to shoot bolts rather than as blugeons. Why do I even bother with ranged troops?
Signed,
Your annoyed-but-unfortunately-not-surprised overseer.
Post by: aiseant on March 03, 2015, 04:37:26 am
I know this year of non stop training was a long one, and you probably would like to party with the others at the artifact statue. And you will.
My gift to all of you : a month of rest. For as long as I've been managing you little fools, I have never ever seen anything like this : you managed to kill a giant and furious double headed Etin with ... not even a scratch ?!
Please know I was watching.
Marksdwarves restraing themselves from bashing the thing with their weapon, staying at safe distance and actually using their bolts.
Hammerdwarves dodging all charges from the etin then crushing its skull with their hammer.
Speardwarves doing what they could.
It was splendid, efficient, and I had to double check with the medic to be sure it was real : not even a scratch.
I don't know what to say. Please, party ! The rest of the fort has been mobilized to build your new quarters. No more training under the snow and sleeping in the grass : when your party is over, you'll find new barracks and dorms with finely crafted equipment.
Your amazed Overseer
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on March 03, 2015, 10:06:40 am
When I have told you to dig out channels next to a floor, I would like you to stand on the floor, not on the channel. You nearly fell into the zombie pit. Thankfully, there was one more floor between you and the zombies. However, nobody would mine you out, not even your lover. That was my fault, though; I had set up a burrow system to get everybody into the fort while our mason walled the entrance off from the zombie sperm whale. However, when I remove all designations and tell the other miner to get you out, KINDLY DO NOT DIG OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET. I REMOVED ALL OTHER DESIGNATIONS, BUT THE MOMENT I REMOVED THE BURROW, YOU DUG THE FLOOR OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET. Predictably, you fell 3 stories into the zombie pit and was one-shotted by the rotting corpse of our previous wagon puller, a water buffalo. Your lover was devastated. Since this came about from your stupidity, not mine, I was fine with save-scumming. So in an alternate universe, you survived. In this one, however, the fort is tantrumming. Have fun when a fell dwarf somehow murders your corpse, you idiot.
Post by: Iamblichos on March 04, 2015, 02:50:30 pm
When the job to connect the bridges leading into the fort to the lever by the main dining hall has been active for a while... someone do it, please.
I know there were (at one point) three mechanics present; after all, the damn lever got built. I realize that running around pasturing animals, attending the fifth party at the microcline table and such are fun, but maybe that would have given you a way to close the two drawbridges that limit access to the fort. That would also have resulted in the fort continuing to have a population of 22, instead of the 6 that are left.
Some of you are now very overworked. Some of you are stressed and upset. And it's all your own damn fault, you lazy midgets.
Signed,
Your saddened but not shocked overseer
Post by: TheKaspa on March 05, 2015, 04:08:09 am
Subject: Dead Urist McDumbMiner
Esteemed dwarves, I'm forwarding to you the letter I was going to write to the family of Urist, but I then discovered they disowned the son by sending him to my Fortress...
Dear (dead) Urist McDumbMiner,
how on earth did you manage to kill yourself by channeling a 1-z level on the bottom of the well reservoir?
Esteemed members of the Miner's guild, could you please teach your dwarves to dig safely, at least when the designations are not insane?
This is the third fortress in a row where the first death is not by combat but is related to digging a well in sand and soil?
An enraged overseer who just lost a very skilled dwarf
Post by: medivo on March 05, 2015, 07:33:28 am
I have a stockpile of high-quality armour in the fort. So why are you and your squadmates runnin around in just a -copper chain shirt- each?
Post by: Pirate Santa on March 07, 2015, 03:27:28 am
Seriously?
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/61682997/srsly.png)
You suck.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: blazing glory on March 07, 2015, 04:55:54 am
I see that even though you are blocked off from my fortress proper, you are very spiteful.
I saw that when you scared off one of my dwarves and raided the barrel he was carrying from the river of half of its fish.
Pull off a stunt like that again and I will pull together a war party and lead them on a great hunt to utterly pulverize every kea on the fort premises.
The Overseer.
Post by: blazing glory on March 07, 2015, 09:13:23 pm
I know you are upset at the suspicious drowning of your six children.
However, murdering the cat and throwing a bed at the fortress carpenter, breaking his leg, is extremely frowned upon.
You have hereby been put on probation, another incident and you shall be put in solitary confinement.
The Overseer.
Post by: HawaiianJon on March 07, 2015, 09:21:51 pm
When you guys spend all of your time individually training instead of doing work then proceeding to complain about no food, despite all of you are technical minute-men;
Don't complain when the Snow Phantom comes and you can't kill it due to invincibility.
Signed
- Your Overlord.
AKA; The guy who launches the extra babies from the bridge catapult.
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on March 07, 2015, 10:32:46 pm
You all have all hauling labors enabled. You have been ordered to dump all the logs near the walls, so the boundary road can be installed.
You definitely have the gather from outside order enabled, because you've already moved most of the frelling logs.
Now, you can either finish moving the gorram logs, or we won't be able to build anything else, you simpletons!
Five of you are idle. There are only seven of you, one of you is actually working, and the other is making mechanisms like I told you. There is no excuse for this!
Sincerely,
A really annoyed Overseer.
P.S. I'm an ethereal cloud. All the clowns of the circus, megabeasts of the world, angels of the gods, and hidden beasts of the caves, attacking your site in a fell alliance of doom, wouldn't harm me. You, on the other hand, would be pasted more or less instantaneously. Do what the frell I tell you if you want to survive!
Post by: Uzu Bash on March 08, 2015, 01:07:19 pm
A little too squeamish about the gorlark parts to finish building that wall? Must be more unnerving than the parts of your friends, loved ones, and self that will be left by the next FB who flies through the hole.
Maybe it's time to let a few of you die off and make way for some immigrants. Immigrants who can finish a wall.
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on March 11, 2015, 07:17:15 am
Here at Swordsquid, you have in five years graced this fortress with three artifacts.
Now, I have a standing deal with you: Make an artifact, on your own, without being possessed (scrubs who gain no skills get ignored,) and you get a full set of gentry rooms - your own 5x5 bedroom, office, and dining room. You also get nicknamed based on the artifact you made.
I am, however, very close to rethinking this policy. Of the five artifacts produced in this fortress thus far, we have: A claystone grate, a curved tower-cap blowgun, a claystone bracelet, a magnetite hatch cover, and a persimmon wood scepter!
I am sorely tempted to institute a policy of having both useless artifacts and their creators atom-smashed as being worse than useless, they actively imperil the fort by threatening to draw giants and other unpleasant things here! Specifically: Weapons which Dwarves do not use are useless. Freaking artifact TRADE GOODS, which, of course, no dwarf would dare to actually haul to the trade depot let alone trade away, are useless!
Consider your next artifact with exceptional care!
Sincerely,
Overlord McFurious.
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on March 11, 2015, 08:22:53 am
When quantum stockpiling things, check the bottom of the pit. If there's a Dwarf there, do not release your load until they've gone.
If there's a dwarf unconscious down there, for the love of Armok don't continue to throw boulders, logs, cages, and whatever else comes to hand until you've finished them off, you simpletons!
And for crying out loud, don't continue and try to get the two poor bastards who go in to retrieve the corpse! We are not competing for points here!
Dear Urist McCrafter
I know there's goods at the bottom of that quantum stockpile. That's why I designated it. However, in the middle of a titantic [D]ump operation is not the time to walk under the shower of falling objects, you morons!
Some would say I bear some measure of responsibility for this. I would say that blaming me for the tragic death of the fort's only Legendary miner is like blaming the civil architects for installing both roads and crosswalks, since you have to have the self-preservation instincts of a lemming to walk under a shower of falling objects!
[Addendum]
Dear Urists McMedics.
There are five of you. FIVE dwarves whose SOLE responsibilities in this fortress are healthcare. You've been excused from everything else, even the things you're really, really good at, even general hauling and dumping, in the hopes that if one of you little bearded morons manages to survive something trying to kill you, you can nurse them back to health.
Yes, four of you are largely unskilled. However, that is no excuse for abandoning patients literally on the operating table to go and throw a party, or have a drink, or go "on break", or whatever you little bearded morons did. One patient died on the operating table waiting for someone to help him, and someone else was left on a traction bench to literally rot! I hope you fucking like miasma, because apparently nobody can be bothered to move the sumbitch from the hospital to his casket, either!
Get your shit together. There are five of you, whose sole duty is to see to it things like this don't happen.
Sincerely,
Overseer McOutraged.
Post by: Dampe on March 11, 2015, 10:20:42 pm
While I appreciate your get-'er-done attitude towards moving wood into the stockpile, hauling logs as an undead army rushes towards our small fortress is not contributing to the overall team effort. I ordered you to construct a pair of doors to prevent us from being raped into oblivion by a horde of zombie goblins, but you were entirely too preoccupied with bringing that single all-important log to do so. The stockpile was already overflowing with the obscene amount of oak logs we brought with on embark, but that didn't bother you at all. If you'd maybe brought in something to drink, we wouldn't have all died of thirst. Goddamnit, Urist.
Goddamnit.
Post by: Walrusking on March 12, 2015, 11:42:27 am
WHY?!?
I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!
Urist McSealdwarf
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on March 12, 2015, 12:33:31 pm
Dear Urist McTradesdwarf,
WHY?!?
I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!
Urist McSealdwarf
To Urist McSealdwarf,
Traders are greedy motherlovers, sir. I don't know exactly how sharp they are, but if you don't have a sharp, assertive dwarf, well-skilled in persuasion, negotiation, intimidation, etc, they feel they can take advantage of the dwarf you sent to negotiate with them, and may demand a deal better in their favor, and will get pissed if you keep offering them a deal which is fair by your standards.
To counter this, I recommend, if available, getting the sharpest, most persuasive and skilled liar in the fort to do the negotiating. If you can't, then just have the woodcrafters turn trees into giant spiked balls. Armok knows why, but everybody considers even babby-tier spiked balls incredibly valuable, and ones of genuine quality (for wooden objects,) will sell like crazy. Maybe they all think giant, spiked wooden balls are a form of avant-garde Dwarven art they can't understand, so they pay a premium for them so as not to appear to be stupid.
If you don't have any time for that, just seize the goods. You can go through a trade depot's menu selectively to Dump the goods you want if they're a Dwarven caravan, or just dump the whole thing (possibly including the traders' personal belongings, if you're feeling vindictive) if you're in a hurried mood.
You can also sell prepared meals for astounding prices, so if you really need to, you can buy whatever food is within your price budget, mince it all up into a roast, sell it back at a ridiculous premium, and buy whatever you like.
I just use the BALLS BALLS BALLS trick, though. By now, I'm half convinced that gargantuan wooden spiked balls are art, given the quality that my carpenters have been putting out. Thinking of hanging a pair from the walls or something.
Sincerely,
Overseer McFortressBalls
Post by: SimRobert2001 on March 12, 2015, 01:35:50 pm
You are sparring. Good on you. But you have several friends available. Why in the WORLD are you sparring with a CAT? Honestly, there's like 20 different guys available. Why did you pick fluffy mcwhiskers to spar with?
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on March 12, 2015, 01:51:10 pm
Dear Urist McSwordsdwarf:
You are sparring. Good on you. But you have several friends available. Why in the WORLD are you sparring with a CAT? Honestly, there's like 20 different guys available. Why did you pick fluffy mcwhiskers to spar with?
He loves/hates cats? Maybe the cat tried to attack him lethally, and Urist McSwordsdwarf thought the cat was attempting to spar with him and so is fighting back?
Post by: Walrusking on March 12, 2015, 02:23:08 pm
Dear Urist McTradesdwarf,
WHY?!?
I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!
Urist McSealdwarf
To Urist McSealdwarf,
Traders are greedy motherlovers, sir. I don't know exactly how sharp they are, but if you don't have a sharp, assertive dwarf, well-skilled in persuasion, negotiation, intimidation, etc, they feel they can take advantage of the dwarf you sent to negotiate with them, and may demand a deal better in their favor, and will get pissed if you keep offering them a deal which is fair by your standards.
To counter this, I recommend, if available, getting the sharpest, most persuasive and skilled liar in the fort to do the negotiating. If you can't, then just have the woodcrafters turn trees into giant spiked balls. Armok knows why, but everybody considers even babby-tier spiked balls incredibly valuable, and ones of genuine quality (for wooden objects,) will sell like crazy. Maybe they all think giant, spiked wooden balls are a form of avant-garde Dwarven art they can't understand, so they pay a premium for them so as not to appear to be stupid.
If you don't have any time for that, just seize the goods. You can go through a trade depot's menu selectively to Dump the goods you want if they're a Dwarven caravan, or just dump the whole thing (possibly including the traders' personal belongings, if you're feeling vindictive) if you're in a hurried mood.
You can also sell prepared meals for astounding prices, so if you really need to, you can buy whatever food is within your price budget, mince it all up into a roast, sell it back at a ridiculous premium, and buy whatever you like.
I just use the BALLS BALLS BALLS trick, though. By now, I'm half convinced that gargantuan wooden spiked balls are art, given the quality that my carpenters have been putting out. Thinking of hanging a pair from the walls or something.
Sincerely,
Overseer McFortressBalls
Overseer McFortressBalls,
After careful examination of our broker, we have deemed him unfit for the job and will draft him to the house builders as soon as possible (working with stone on narrow walkways 2 or 3 z-levels in the air ought to knock some sense into him) Bellmountains sends it's thanks.
Urist McSealdwarf
Post by: TheFlame52 on March 12, 2015, 02:26:52 pm
But it's even better when said dwarf is actually helpful to the player rather than just funny.
Post by: blazing glory on March 13, 2015, 05:00:46 am
I wish to commend you all for your hard work.
We have a workshop room and a huge stockpile room, but all fortress have that.
On top of that, we have a trade depot which can be sealed off from the fortress, enough iron and coal to last us a long while, bare bedrooms, and a bridge that can seal off the entrance in case of siege.
We even have some platinum crafts for the caravan.
And the year isn't even over yet, we might even be able to add cabinets and chests to the bedrooms.
Feel free to take a well earned break.
Signed,
The pleased Overseer.
Post by: SimRobert2001 on March 13, 2015, 06:10:16 am
Overseers note to all Dwarves of Wheelsthin.
I wish to commend you all for your hard work.
We have a workshop room and a huge stockpile room, but all fortress have that.
On top of that, we have a trade depot which can be sealed off from the fortress, enough iron and coal to last us a long while, bare bedrooms, and a bridge that can seal off the entrance in case of siege.
We even have some platinum crafts for the caravan.
And the year isn't even over yet, we might even be able to add cabinets and chests to the bedrooms.
Feel free to take a well earned break.
Signed,
The pleased Overseer.
Dear Overseer:
Thank you for your input. Rest assured, we are working on ways to screw up even as we speak. We dwarves always find a way.
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on March 13, 2015, 08:39:13 am
You thought you were clever. You thought you'd topple this fortress into oblivion by growing your children under a constructed overhang, so that when they grew up, their branches would brush up against the underside of a construction and destroy the world.
And it worked. Twice. Unfortunately for you, the powers of time and space are mine to command. After the second inexplicable vortex that annihilated all of time and space, I figured it out, and I stopped your devilish plan.
Now your children lay slain, their corpses converted into the very growth-restraining skirts of wood which protect my fortress from an encore.
Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS
Dear Urist McWoodcutters, Urist McRoadlayers
Thank you. The fortress is safe from the threat of trees growing under our overhangs and toppling the world. You have done a great service to Dwarvenkind this day.
Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS.
Post by: TheKaspa on March 13, 2015, 09:09:54 am
Dear Treebeard McEnt
You thought you were clever. You thought you'd topple this fortress into oblivion by growing your children under a constructed overhang, so that when they grew up, their branches would brush up against the underside of a construction and destroy the world.
And it worked. Twice. Unfortunately for you, the powers of time and space are mine to command. After the second inexplicable vortex that annihilated all of time and space, I figured it out, and I stopped your devilish plan.
Now your children lay slain, their corpses converted into the very growth-restraining skirts of wood which protect my fortress from an encore.
Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS
Dear Urist McWoodcutters, Urist McRoadlayers
Thank you. The fortress is safe from the threat of trees growing under our overhangs and toppling the world. You have done a great service to Dwarvenkind this day.
Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS.
Which Doctor stepped in to help you?
Post by: ShadowDragon8685 on March 13, 2015, 09:17:20 am
Which Doctor stepped in to help you?
The funny one.
Dear Momuz Letmosingiz, aka Urist McMoodyChild
I'm not even upset that you made an artifact millstone. We're probably going to build a mill at some point.
I am, however, baffled, that you named it after yourself. Literally named the artifact the exact same thing you are, yourself, named.
I guess that's one way to make sure your name is memorialized.
Sincerely,
Overseer McMystified
Dear Urist McCrazyChef
I was just now looking at what was hauled to the trade depot for sale, and I found a gigantic wooden pot that the traders were apparently prepared to pay a king's ransom for. Being curious at finding a pot of food apparently worth more than all of the fortress's artifacts put together, I looked inside. This is what I found:
≡Donkey's milk roast [53]≡
Quote
This is a stack of 53 well-prepared donkey's milk roast. The ingredients are well-minced groundhog tallow, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, exceptionally minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced wolverine tallow, and well-minced donkey's milk.
You maniacs have been smoking the rat weed instead of brewing it, haven't you?
Literally nothing in that pot is fit for dwarvenkind to eat. Just breathing in the smell coming from the pot made me put on two pounds! It's a gigantic, viscous ooze of syrup, with mixed-in tallow for a bit of extra solidity and some donkey's milk for, I dunno, flavor? And yet, the traders are willing to pay 50,148☼ for it.
I don't even know why they want it, and I don't care. I'm selling it to them so they'll rid my fortress of it before this unholy abomination makes everyone who eats a bowl of it keel over dead.
Sincerely,
Overseer McQueasy
Post by: blazing glory on March 13, 2015, 08:57:59 pm
Go away, we don't want your kind here.
Especially not 50.
Sincerely,
The overworked Overseer.
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on March 15, 2015, 07:38:47 am
-Dwarven yoghurt incident-This made me snigger for over a minute.
Post by: HawaiianJon on March 16, 2015, 03:18:39 pm
I wish I could write a note to you about how dangerous running into a GCS infested cave is, but you appear to already have died and dragged to the magma chute for 'burial'
I hope that web that we already had 200 cloth of was important, as your children are now following your footsteps.
If you blame me for not setting the auto-loom off, I ask why you thought going past the restricted area was the best damn thing ever.
Signed,
The Guy creating the will of your children.
Post by: gunpowdertea on March 16, 2015, 10:14:32 pm
yeronner, ye see, "restricted" tells us "go through that if you really want" - and we did want, only t' finest spidery silk for our socks, ye ken? Ye could 'ave forbidden us ta touch the webs and we'd 'ave respected yer will. Ye couldave also locked the door ta the spider cave... ye don't want that webslingin' one ta come up ta the fortress proper, dontcha?
Yer most obed'ent servants (deceased),
t' weavers guild members
Post by: Staalo on March 17, 2015, 12:00:56 pm
Also an important announcement for the dwarves of Moonpalace: stop punching the weretortoise. You are supposed to get back inside as fast as possible and let the militia handle the attacker. Now one of you is dead and another one certainly infected with the were-curse. Please respect the civilian alert next time.
Post by: HideAndSeekLOGIC on March 17, 2015, 11:38:44 pm
Post by: HideAndSeekLOGIC on March 17, 2015, 11:54:11 pm
Please know that you have just slept through an entire goblin siege, two werewolf invasions and the massacre of your best friend despite I was there repeatedly shouting "GET THE HELL UP INTO THE GODDAM ARCHER TOWER AND KILL DEM MOTHERF****** GOBLINS NOW". Notes of your effort to crucially help in fending off the goblins will be noted in the future. Please make your way to the manager's office to receive your next task.
CLEANING UP THE DEAD
Post by: aiseant on March 18, 2015, 05:04:26 am
The amount of fishes and mussels in the river is limited. You know I use my all mighty powers to make the nature replenishes livestock every years, but I wont help you anymore if you keep wasting all those good fishes like this !
For Armock's sake, you are standing on a pile of rotten mussel corpse. You are buried on those wasted goods ! Why do you keep dragging new catches out of the water to let them rot on the ground, when there are already so many to prepare and turn into delicious roasts ?
Stop acting like humans, you fools !
Your Overseer
Post by: Dwarf4Explosives on March 21, 2015, 09:28:22 am
Post by: Walrusking on March 22, 2015, 08:48:21 pm
While I am glad you've decided to create a shameful image of a noble in your masterwork to grace the dining hall, did you really have to shame the one of the few GOOD nobles? The only thing the mayor asked for were RINGS and not fething weapons or some crap that would be useful elsewhere. If you want to create an engraving in which a noble would be royally embarrassed (pardon the pun), might I suggest the Captain of the guard, who was whining for months about not getting a good enough bedroom.
Overseer
Post by: TheFlame52 on March 23, 2015, 06:33:49 pm
You decorated several large gems so much they became worth over 70k. I ain't even mad. That's amazing.
Post by: Foxite on March 24, 2015, 12:02:56 pm
When the militia kills a bunch of elk birds that just wandered into the fortress by means I have yet to discover, and I tell you to "Butcher a dead animal" on repeat, it is not a coincidence. I do not want you to say "NIDZ UNROTAN NERBI ENIMUL" and that shit, I want you to grab the dead, not yet rotten elk bird corpses from the refuse heap and butcher them. Oh, and please do that before they start rotting because then your excuse will be valid. Nobody wants other people's excuses to be valid, especially when they are STUPID.
Signed, the overseer
Post by: Doughnut189 on March 25, 2015, 11:02:26 pm
While you may be assured, you will be missed, I'm afraid that no memorial to your name will come to bear, indeed, while you shall certainly be missed greatly for a period, after that I fear your name and endeavors will be lost to history, along with the rest of the fortress.
After our previous miner was lost in an unfortunate aquifer-piercing accident, it is understandable that you were considerably shaken. After all, he fell into the water before your very eyes: you were too shocked to even report his death. It was very compassionate of you to tell his wife that he had merely gone missing.
However, your behavior cannot be excused, insofar as you were ordered to dig a straight channel through the ice, you chose to jump into the water, and joined your late compatriot.
Did your grief know no bounds?
Did you really believe him lost: were you trying to search for him there?
In either case, now that the fortress lacks picks, survival in this barren waste is looking increasingly unlikely.
Here's to you having found him; we'll be looking for you in the afterlife.
Sincerely, the Fortress.
Post by: Olith McHuman on March 26, 2015, 02:46:19 am
Good job constructing the magma pumps! However, you built one of your kids into the reviving end of the pump.
Your mother of the year award is in the mail.
Post by: 20firebird on March 27, 2015, 12:40:03 am
-stuff-Aww, that's actually kinda sad.
Post by: Ops Fox on March 27, 2015, 02:57:07 pm
When there is a cave in in the new fort and the entire mining squad is taken out, now is not the time to take breaks when I start ordering crutches, splints and traction tables to safe them.
From an exasperated Overseer.
Post by: Foxite on March 28, 2015, 08:24:30 am
I gave you the order to train, not to kill the bear that was on the other side of the map and of no harm. I had set up a bear trap JUST so we could capture and train one. I didn't want you to go kill it before it was even near the trap.
Good job at ruining a good chance for a nice addition to the army.
Signed, me
Post by: Oblique on March 28, 2015, 11:29:18 am
I appreciate the effort you took in crossing the river to get at those pesky camels. Your devotion to your work is commendable, and I'm very impressed that you actually shot the camels rather than trying to use your crossbows as clubs - well done all round.
However, I must point out that your inability to path back across the river afterwards was inconvenient. It's not even as if you sustained any wounds to explain your reluctance to swim back even as you started to suffer the consequences of lack of food and drink. Authorized food and drink, I should say, since apparently you were starving and dying of thirst between a camel carcass and a freshwater river, but we'll let that point rest. I eventually gave up on your survival instincts when the rest of the population started spamming 'recover patient'-cancellation messages; it seems the river could only be crossed by someone gunning for a lovely slice of camel. Having to build a bridge in order to rescue you, only to see you get up and walk on your own the second it completed was annoying. Consider yourselves reassigned to cavern patrol duty.
Sincerely,
the Overseer.
Post by: Inevitability on April 02, 2015, 07:07:00 am
I have to admit, I'm impressed. You managed to tank a weapon trap filled with serrated copper disks before bleeding out. As your assorted hands, arms, legs and feet are currently in the process of being hauled to your coffin, I only want to tell you that your stupidity is a disgrace to my fort. I know that the caravan guards that got slaughtered by the webbing titan had some nice steel armor. Armor I intended to melt down. So why did you choose to go fetch it - blatantly ignoring your station order - and why did you choose to path over the single one restricted traffic webbed weapon trap? Luckily you were only a competent hammerdwarf, so you probably won't be missed.
Your Overseer
Post by: WalkerRiley on April 02, 2015, 02:45:34 pm
Yea I know you went from being the worst doctor in the fort to being the best diagnostician known to dwarfdom, but you've had poor Nil McFurnaceWorkerDwarf strapped to that traction bench for about two years now. I think it's about time you stop "diagnosing" him and set his overlapping fracture already.
Thanks.
Update:
Dear Dead Urist McDoctorSmith,
Burrow alert means hide inside, not run out and collect bodies. The weremoose is far stronger than you ever will be.
Post by: the1337doofus on April 17, 2015, 12:32:58 pm
I must say, on one hand, I'm astounded by your bravery, but on the other, I'm also amazed at your stupidity. You went down into the caverns, and took on the cave croc camping out on the stairs. All alone. Good on you for cutting off it's foot. However, you may have noticed that you're now dead, because you tried to chop up a cave crocodile with only a copper pick. So yeah, good going getting your head chomped, you bloody moron. Now I have to find a replacement for you.
Sincerely,
Fortress Management
Post by: 3x3 on April 17, 2015, 02:45:40 pm
If you stop going all blooper (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ) all over the map hunting that weasel it would be be great
Cheers,
Your overlord.
Post by: TV4Fun on April 17, 2015, 11:03:59 pm
How did you even build up to a high master level in animal caretaking? I am truly impressed by your single-minded devotion to such a useless skill. Well, I guess that's okay. I just hope you and Urist McGelder here are good at hauling things.
R/OS
Post by: krg on April 18, 2015, 12:53:08 am
First off, thanks for the fey mood, but don't inhabit the glassmaker. I don't have the means to give him what he needs.
dfhack: die.
Second off, the armorer? Really? I mean great that its a fey mood and all, but I haven't even gotten close to that industry.
dfhack: die. again.
Third times the charm? Right.
Well, you finally learned to go for a dwarf that does more than haul things. Great job on choosing the carpenter/mason/mechanic/architect, but did you have to possess her? It couldn't be another fey, or even a secretive? Sigh.
Well, at least I can actually do something with this one.
I hope.
krg
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on April 18, 2015, 04:01:15 pm
While I accept individuality, especially in children, I do not appreciate your repeated dismissal of Kadol Letmoslogem's masterwork doors. They make people very happy. It's fine if you don't like them, but Kadol really doesn't like you saying "Masterwork? Why should I care?" and "I see the pursuit of good craftsdwarfship as a total waste." Since you value introspection, I suggest you do some of that. Since you are open to changing your mind, why don't you change your mind about this? You aren't as important as you think you are. Start caring about other people.
Yours sincerely,
James Woodward, Overseer of Teachcities
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Nil Tostamost, Miner:
Congratulations on your successful fey mood and artifact. I have noticed that you are very satisfied, and just said, "I shall name you the Dance of Secrets. That was very satisfying!" However, I wish I knew what the Dance of Secrets is. Perhaps I shall know once I inspect the artifact closer.
In addition, you seem to have created a bed. Out of mudstone. You shall get to sleep on it, for two reasons. One, you deserve it, and two, I'm not sure how comfortable that thing it. I certainly won't be sleeping on it. If you don't like how it feels, you can contemplate that while you sleep.
I just looked at it. It's definitely a legendary bed. However, it has spikes around the outside, made of mudstone and fox bone. At least they're not on the top; however, that may be very painful if you get out of bed without jumping a small distance.
It has on it an image of a book in sheep wool. The book has the words "The Town: Before and After", and I think that it may have been written by a necromancer. That is, it describes the condition of a town before and after a horde of zombies ransacks it and kills all its inhabitants. I wonder why you put that there.
Also in sheep wool, there is an image of a sand pear tree. There! See! That's... related to something. We have a lot of sand pear trees, and their logs fill the stockpile that feeds to your workshop.
I have noticed that our broker seems twice as excited to see the "Dance of Secrets" as the "Closed Stop." No offense, Udil, but this is much better and much more useful than your kakapo bone piccolo with spikes of almond wood. We don't play instruments yet. Couldn't you have waited for the update, or something?
In addition, you seem to have become a legendary miner. I have no problems with this, except HOW? How under earth did you become a legendary miner by FIDDLING IN A WORKSHOP, MAKING A BED???
Carry on...
James Woodward, Overseer with a Headache
P.S. You are free to attend the party going on and shout "I've done it!", but could you please get to work mining out the new mayor's rooms? It shouldn't take too long, what with you being legendary and all. After that, could you mine out more rooms for the other migrants? Thanks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mosus Melbilkiddir, New Mayor,
You just recently became mayor, about seventeen days ago. You were elected mayor two days after you arrived. That is fine; we need a mayor. I didn't even complain about how you had just arrived, as you were family to most of the fortress.
So why on earth would you ban the export of rings? Well, at least you told me this before I started making crafts. I think I'll make mugs and toys instead. You're not completely ruined in my eyes, but one more step...
Yours suspiciously,
James Woodward, Overseer of Teachcities
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Zasit Alathmomuz,
Thank you for singlehandedly smoothing out the new mayor's quarters while Kadol made the doors, chairs, and tables for the migrants. I recently asked you to engrave Mosus's bedroom. You filled it with:
Images of the Dance of Secrets, the mudstone bed that Nil made. This is fine; however, I do not think that two images of the same bed needed to be engraved. That's fine, though; that is a good bed. You called them the "Vines of Mystery" (Mystery's right) and the "Nightmares of Dredging" (Why did you engrave something called a nightmare of dredging in Mosus's bedroom? Maybe you think Nil would have to dredge his nightmares to figure out why he named it the Dance of Secrets?).
An image of a human striking down an elf named "Nelo Shellsgods." You named it the "Oaken Lunch." Did the elf eat the oak? Did the human, mimicking the elves, eat the elf and pronounce him as "oaky?" That makes sense, though. Why did you engrave that in Mosus's bedroom? Oh, I get it. Elves are stupid, and even if it was a human killing it, elves' deaths are GOOD! That was in the early summer of 115 during Asesgencesh, the "Dangerous Onslaught," in Pointyleaf (Definitely an elven settlement) in the Jungles of Jail.
"The Gilded Razors," a fine Zasit Alathmomuz rendition of an image of a hazel tree. What? Oh, yeah, that's our image now. But wouldn't it be a rendition of a hazel tree? Did you draw a paper with a hazel tree on it?
"The Burns of Bridging," a superior rendition of a finely-designed image of a peach tree. How did you make it superior and finely designed?
"The Crest of Rust," an exceptionally designed image of Cerol Lensreveres, our militia commander, surrounded by dwarves. Could you engrave that in Cerol's room, too? Also, there's no rust: they wear leather!
"The Fish of Scribing," a finely-designed image of YOU settling in Teachcities nine months after its foundation. That's fine.
"The Silent Woman," a finely-designed image of the Closed Stop, the kakapo bone piccolo that Udil made. Yes, he was silent as he made it, but he's not a woman. By the way, he says he just doesn't appreciate art. Huh. He made a legendary piccolo - Oh! That's why he didn't decorate it! Now I understand!
Lastly, you engraved "The Trustworthy Rhythm," which is a superiorly designed image of Uzo Chantline and a grizzly bear. The grizzly bear is striking down Uzo Chantlined. The artwork relates to the killing of the human Uzo Chantlined by a grizzly bear in Spattertaupe in the Jungles of Jail in the midwinter of 115 during Okgush Othral, the "Assault of Conflagration." Or so he says. Wow, these dwarves know their recent events and history! By the way, it's 126 now
Thanks, Zasit! Your choice of stuff to engrave may be... odd, but the mayor'll be happy now! And I've learned some history!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mosus Melbilkiddir, mayor:
Please be content with your bedroom. It is the only engraved one. Why do you say it's not decent?
According to you, you're interested near a fine statue, table, another table, seat, yet another table, door, another door, your door, another table, another seat, your bed, yet another seat, and another seat. How are you seeing so many... Oh, you must be inspecting the common people's quarters. The statue is your own, you know.
Wow, you're helping build your own statue garden! Wow, you really are good! I think I like you.
Congratulations on your re-election! You seem eager to "get to it." Apparently, that means eating.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Olon Kacothast:
Welcome to Teachcities! It's safer here. No, really, pun aside, it's safe here. Look what happened to that were-monitor... Oh, dear, please don't be terrified. It's dead. Or horrified at its death. It would have killed us all if the hunters hadn't shot it full of bolts.
Oh, what's that you're saying? You encountered a fascinating conundrum lately? I think we'll get along fine. Come down to my office and we can talk about it! I love conundrums!
Oh, you prefer ideas and abstract concepts over specific practical issues? Me too! You act with a narrow focus on the current activity? Me too! You don't care much about friendship? Me too! You don't particularly value loyalty? You try to keep things orderly? You're stubborn and rarely discouraged? You could be considered rude, sometimes? You're not inherently proud of your talents and accomplishments? You're curious and eager to learn? He get distracted during conversations when you're exasperated? Me too! You need alcohol to get through the working day?
Umm... Could I get back to you on that?
I think we'll be great friends!
You like diorite? That's my favorite rock, too! You like silver? Me too! It's good for weapons AND pretty stuff! You like red grossular? I have no idea what that is... Oh, it's a gem? Okay. You like bolts? Gauntlets? Dwarven milk? Me too! I also hate purring maggots. I guess you just forget about them when you drink milk. Wow, you like the beer AND the flour from single-grain wheat? Better get some of that. I think I'd probably like that too!
Wow, I've found a great friend! Right here in Teachcities!
Sigh... If only... I wish I could go there.
Wishing I could be here,
James Woodward, Overseer of Teachcities
Post by: TheHossofMoss on April 21, 2015, 03:40:28 pm
Did your mother ever tell you not to walk on minecart tracks? I guess not. I'll notify your lover.
Warmest regards,
The Overseer
Post by: NESgamer190 on April 23, 2015, 02:56:54 pm
Enough with the fish dissectors to the rocky wastelands! The nigh-absence of water is not a foundation for a fishing industry! You lot are better off sending cheese makers to my fort than fish dissectors!
From the somewhat baffled and miffed overseer,
NESgamer190
Post by: Wondabarrapa on April 23, 2015, 05:23:15 pm
please stop wandering around in the wild 5 miles away from the fortress you're just asking to be kidnapped
p.s. i wont miss you if you do get kidnapped i have about 96 other children ready to replace you
me
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on April 23, 2015, 07:10:09 pm
Please do not wander through the river just because it's at a decreased level due to filling of the cistern. In case you didn't know, it's winter. The river might freeze at any -
Your baby that you walked back and forth through the river to find is now motherless, and will likely die.
Dammit. Die, Dwarf Fortress! It's not my stupidity, so I think it's not cheating.
Post by: NESgamer190 on April 24, 2015, 02:47:24 pm
You are not to jump out of your murder tower to engage the enemy with thy crossbows by using them as bludgeons! Stupidity like that gets casualties on us, not them! The new ranged regiment will be trained to not make such a primitive decision like that, ya subpar squad!
Your overly irked overlord:
NESgamer190
Post by: endlessblaze on April 24, 2015, 03:01:08 pm
from fortress overseer "endlessblaze"
you are one of the to necromancers we have captured. I have always wanted one.
there are corpses behind you. turn around a raise them so I can have my zombie death pit.
---------
to my fellow overseers at bay12
from overseer "endlessblaze"
I have a necromance in a 1x1 room, with a fortification to see the pit.
she wont raise anything and best I can tell is facing the wrong way.
I don't want to just toss a hunter down there. sure she might turn around if shot but I don't want her hurt.
advice?
Post by: TheFlame52 on April 24, 2015, 03:32:23 pm
Post by: endlessblaze on April 24, 2015, 03:36:32 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on April 25, 2015, 10:43:53 am
We need more migrants. As it is summer of the first year, migrants have arrived. Because there are undead corpses regularly crawling around outside, we have sealed the fort off. Because the fort is sealed off, the migrants can't get in and are trapped outside with the undead corpses.
Why would you all go on break right when I need someone to pull the lever to let the migrants in? If the migrants die and reanimate I may just let them in. Get off your lazy beards and let them in while they're still breathing.
Yours, your glorious overseer voice in your heads.
Post by: xana55 on April 28, 2015, 08:55:21 pm
Why exactly did you all right into the fire that the forgotten beast set on all those webs left over from the previous one? Your lucky only three of you died, absurdly lucky, frankly I'm beginning to wonder if the queen isn't ordering you to do this to get revenge for all flasks and hatch covers I refuse to produce. If that centuries old creep tells you to do anything else foolish ignore her and remember that even a queen night beast is still a night beast, the only reason we don't depose her vampiric ass is because she's personally wiped out three civilizations.
From, The overseer
Post by: NESgamer190 on April 30, 2015, 02:16:52 pm
Fighting a grizzly bear with your bare hands is not absolute top priority if the bear's unconscious! Starving yourselves to punch a bear is not worth it!
Due to all of your incompetence, you all hereby are to evacuate the fortress so a new batch o' dwarves can hopefully not screw up as badly as you dimwits did.
Your infuriated overseer,
NESgamer190
Post by: Corona688 on April 30, 2015, 11:51:11 pm
I realize you're on break because you're meeting area is small and sucks.
Do you know why it's small and sucks?
BECAUSE YOU'RE ON BREAK.
Everyone else:
Don't just stare at the trees, CLIMB THEM IF YOU WANT TO EAT THIS SEASON! !$^! That's FREE FOOD you're staring at! Why are -- .. are you SLEEPING? Are you LOST IN THE TREE? Don't go on break, DON'T GO ON --
...Mosus and As, it's down to you. You're the only dwarves still working, may Armok have mercy on your soul.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on May 01, 2015, 06:44:08 am
Why do you only unload half the wagon then sit around wondering where everything else is while you continue to not do your only job? The important stuff is still right THERE! Go! Get! It! NOW!
That is all.
-Overseer
Post by: Corona688 on May 01, 2015, 11:42:16 am
Post by: Thisfox on May 02, 2015, 12:49:54 am
Please ignore the current rain of cats and kittens. There was a clerical error in the instructions I gave to our woodcutters. The error has been dealt with, and it won't happen again. Those affected are free to apply to Mayor Urist McCrazycatdorf for kitten fur hats. He is currently holding offices in the hospital until the doctor comes off break. That will be all, thankyou.
--Overseer.
P.S. Until further notice, the mayor will not be signing documents, as both his hands have been broken. Ask the manager if you need documents signed. -Ov.
Post by: Admiral Obvious on May 02, 2015, 10:31:05 pm
I appreciate the fact that you were so eager to try and kill the weregoat with such fervor, but jumping off the bridge into the lake, albeit the most... direct way to go, probably wasn't the best idea. 7 Z-Levels is (probably) a long way to fall.
I was hoping I wouldn't need to build those 10 traction tables, but luckily you all are alive, and the Weregoat kindly transformed back into an elf. The marksdwarf found some training ammo and dealt with the issue promptly. Let's just hope my freshly recruited doctor doesn't go on break, and hopefully the other half of the fortress can drag you back home.
Good job on having everyone break or shatter both legs and feet by the way, we'll have you out of traction in around 10 years.
Signed, your perplexed, and somewhat amused overseer.
Dictated but not read.
Post by: StubbornAlcoholic on May 03, 2015, 05:19:47 am
I know back home the honest profession of Fishery Worker is noble. Venerated, even.
However, if you're going to send even more migrants to an extremely dangerous, isolated new Dwarf citadel, it is probably best to heed our earlier messages that we need people with practical skills.
Right now, with a fifty foot murderous skinless, eyeless, fire-breathing bull at the back door of the fort, the ability to clean and eviscerate small fish is not something we need. We also already have seven of them - indeed, you seem to send us nothing but a small army of fish cleaners, trappers, small animal dissectors and wax workers.
Please, by Armok send us some Goddamn soldiers. Just one.
Signed,
- A desperate administrator.
Post by: Dampe on May 07, 2015, 10:41:11 am
*Sigh*
(http://i76.photobucket.com/albums/j32/_Dampe/Dwarf%20Fortress/Screen%20Shot%202015-04-23%20at%2012.25.12%20PM_zps66n7kqpi.png)
Regards, Dampe.
Post by: Corona688 on May 07, 2015, 10:57:06 am
Post by: Dampe on May 08, 2015, 04:48:15 pm
I think I'm making headway on getting miners and woodcutters to wear armor, so hopefully, that risk can be reduced...
I didn't even know this could happen.
Had to scrap that fort immediately, not much to be accomplished without precious wood.
Post by: Admiral Obvious on May 08, 2015, 09:57:59 pm
I think I'm making headway on getting miners and woodcutters to wear armor, so hopefully, that risk can be reduced...
I didn't even know this could happen.
Had to scrap that fort immediately, not much to be accomplished without precious wood.
Anything that can't be solved by wood, can be solved by magma (usually).
Post by: NeoSilverThorn on May 14, 2015, 04:26:39 pm
Good news, everyone! Your continued ignorance of orders to build the trade depot has likely kept the elves from noticing that our woodcutter, Urist McChainsaw, managed to cut down every tree on the hillside just outside our fortress except for the ones he was actually told to cut down! This has likely spared us their antagonism for another year.
However, as there are likely civilizations that we will wish to trade with in the future, I'm going to reiterate our need to, at some point, actually build the Armok-forsaken depot!
Also, due to the sheer, overwhelming amount of lumber we're stuck with, all items will be built from wood until further notice.
Carry on, everyone!
The Overseer
Post by: Jorn Stones on May 14, 2015, 05:06:11 pm
As you all notice, there are 2 less amongst you now.
So let this be a notice to all. If a Wereape comes to our fort, LET THE DOGS DEAL WITH IT. Dogs are expandable. You, are not.
The overseer.
Post by: Adragis on May 15, 2015, 12:58:39 am
Dwarves of Friendlywind.What do you mean, they aren't expendable? :P
As you all notice, there are 2 less amongst you now.
So let this be a notice to all. If a Wereape comes to our fort, LET THE DOGS DEAL WITH IT. Dogs are expandable. You, are not.
The overseer.
Post by: Insert_Gnome_Here on May 15, 2015, 01:58:16 am
To my dwarves of the fortress I had to abandon due to a grizzly bear forcing my entire fort to starve due to punchabearitis:
Fighting a grizzly bear with your bare hands is not absolute top priority if the bear's unconscious! Starving yourselves to punch a bear is not worth it!
Due to all of your incompetence, you all hereby are to evacuate the fortress so a new batch o' dwarves can hopefully not screw up as badly as you dimwits did.
Your infuriated overseer,
NESgamer190
The solution is to deactivate all squad orders then set a civilian alert telling them to go to a burrow far from the creature. It messes a lot of things up but means your dwarves don't die.
Post by: Baffler on May 16, 2015, 08:50:50 pm
It's not entirely certain that this message will reach you, we had to float it down the water pipe after the access area flooded accidentally. If it did and you're reading it, I can only assume that you are still alive. I won't waste your time. Run. Run, you fool. That empty tank will soon contain 252 Urists of water and a very angry forgotten beast, and I have no way of stopping either of those things from getting there. The rest of the miners made it out the escape hatch just fine, and I'm very close to sealing it to prevent the creature's escape. If not for your own sake, at least do it to prevent the tantrum spiral and difficult cleanup that will surely follow.
Yours,
The Administration
Post by: Admiral Obvious on May 16, 2015, 09:39:31 pm
It's me again, I couldn't help but notice that the day we begun our new embarkation. Apparently asking you to harvest some surface plants equates to "throw the pickaxe into the river", I sure hope when the Dwarven caravan comes, they have some pickaxes we can trade for A LOT of wood. Also, stop complaining that it's raining, and you are stuck in it, that's all your fault...
Sincerely,
Your supremely disappointed overseer.
Post by: Witty on May 16, 2015, 10:40:51 pm
I have no idea what the hell you guys are doing, but you need to stop butchering the FPS for no reason periodically. You've all got food, booze, rooms, security and the FPS is even cruising along at a steady 75 most of the time. But every now and then it'll just unrecoverably drop down to the single digits. I'd advise to stop thinking so hard about where you need to go if it's that complicated. I've had to quit-without-saving three times now to avoid the FPS death. So please, stop.
Sincerely,
your benevolent overseer
Post by: Corona688 on May 17, 2015, 01:01:10 am
Sometimes, it's building destroyers doing the same thing.
Post by: TheKaspa on May 17, 2015, 06:06:15 am
Mr.Ducim PrisondikeIT,
It's not entirely certain that this message will reach you, we had to float it down the water pipe
Post by: NESgamer190 on May 21, 2015, 12:09:11 pm
I only told you to go after the giant toad that caused the indirect death of one of the miners. Not the cave crocodile as well! Due to your drunken dopey actions, we lost an axeman to the water as well.
The remaining miners will be ordered to dig a way to drain this pool of water immediately. I can safely say due to your incompetence, I've been moved enough to impose a drain project on a cavern lake.
I do plan to have the other subterranean lakes of water to be drained too.
Thy stressed overseer,
NESgamer190
Post by: Dampe on May 23, 2015, 11:22:42 am
FUCK.
You're just going to take raw meat to your bedrooms and let it rot and then get pissed at me when the fort gets filled with miasma?
Is it that much work to just take it to the refuse stockpile, or, better yet, actually eat the prepared food we have?
This is simple, guys.
C'mon.
Post by: synyster31 on May 31, 2015, 12:25:01 am
I know it may be too much of a hassle to actually pick sone bolts up, but when i ask you to shoot a giant rat, handily trapped behind lava and fortifications please show at least a little interest.
shortly after
Dear Marksdwarves squad's ghosts,
When I removed the fortifications to make it even simpler for you to shoot the rat. I didn't mean you should try and jump 2 squares of magma to wrestle it. The 4 of you that failed the jump got off lightly. Let the 2 who starved to death on the magma-surrounded floor be a lesson to others!
The Overseer
Post by: pisskop on July 07, 2015, 02:36:12 pm
How did you get into my fort, past my wardog room and the open barracks, and all the way down to the magma foundry? Thats almost 150 zlevels, all while fleeing!
Well I sent the military after you, and theyll hopefully have more success than those 2 dogs that are playing tag with you.
Post by: MobRules on July 07, 2015, 05:07:20 pm
Your diligence in running off goblins is admirable, as would be your return to active duty so soon after giving birth if you didn't insist on taking the infant with you on patrols. However, I have to severely question the wisdom of chasing after a snatcher while carrying an infant -- by now, you've figured out why, since you caught up with the goblin snatcher, but didn't kill him.
I'm sure we'll see your sproggin again in a few years, leading a goblin attack against us.
Forever facepalming,
your overseer.
Post by: Magnumcannon on July 07, 2015, 05:39:36 pm
I appreciate your...touristic...interest in the fortress of Rainsilvers, but you might want to find another place for visiting. After the slaughter of 2 dwarves, 1 dog and 1 cat (His teeth and blood are scattered around everywhere) we are moving the barracks to the surface. Now you might want to think twice before coming here again!
Magnumcannon, overseer of Rainsilvers
Post by: sculleywr on July 07, 2015, 07:35:13 pm
I think I'm making headway on getting miners and woodcutters to wear armor, so hopefully, that risk can be reduced...
I didn't even know this could happen.
Had to scrap that fort immediately, not much to be accomplished without precious wood.
Anything that can't be solved by wood, can be solved by magma (usually).
Beds of magma. Time for science
Post by: sculleywr on July 08, 2015, 12:46:41 pm
I appreciate the work you do for our fort, I really do. It was due to your hard work that the great bar crisis of 07 was averted, sorting thousands of bars that has gone unsorted due to lack of space and undermanning the mining department. I have gone to great lengths to designate exactly which stockpiles ought to be used for taking goods to the trade depot.
With that in mind, please tell me why your men are crawling down to the deepest mines to grab tetrahedrite ore and haul it up to our balcony depot, foregoing all logic and common sense to haul a useless rock that I won't be selling next to my prize meals and crossbows.
Do be kind and take the ore to the ore stockpiles next to the furnaces where it belongs.
Sincerely,
Your baffled overlord with the power of atom smashing.
Post by: Callista on July 08, 2015, 01:52:07 pm
I don't know what possessed you to adopt a pig as a pet, though I must admit that your decision to come to this evil reanimating deathtrap of a fortress does call your judgment into question.
Now, this would normally be okay. We have a small patch of land where the dead do not rise, and a nice little pasture there to keep our livestock. Your pet pig has been assigned to said pasture.
So tell me, Urist, why you insist on letting your pet pig follow you into the fortress proper until it is starving from lack of grass to eat?
May I remind you: If your pet dies of starvation, it will not stay down. And you are very likely to be very close by when said pet turns into an undead abomination.
Armok help me, Urist, if you do not leave your pig in that pasture, I am going to forcibly repossess it and slaughter it, and we will all have bacon tonight. You hear me? BACON.
Your Overseer.
Post by: pisskop on July 08, 2015, 01:56:04 pm
piggies dont eat grass. The mighty boar is the perfect reserve of food, as they dont need to graze to survive. Therefore, my piggy shouldnt die.
A. Dwarf
And P.S. this location happens to be the perfect spot to hide from the tax collectors.
Post by: Callista on July 08, 2015, 03:37:52 pm
Post by: pisskop on July 08, 2015, 03:43:38 pm
Post by: Magnumcannon on July 08, 2015, 03:53:51 pm
I appreciate your interest in our fortress, but as we all know, you've sent an army of undead to the fortress of Greencrafts and killed every single dwarf that lived there. Our lumberjack spotted one of your spies skulking around our fortress and we're fearful you might plot against us. But if you do, we will be prepared. The dwarven race will never perish! Death to the Lungfish Empire!
The fortress of Manysilvers and its overseer.
Post by: Albedo on July 08, 2015, 03:56:06 pm
@ Callista - It shouldn't. What more can be said? You sure you're reading the right symbol?
http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Status_icon
If you [v]iew the "hungry" pig, and check it's [g]eneral status (iirc?), does it ~say~ "Hungry"?
Post by: pisskop on July 08, 2015, 07:00:13 pm
You little bastards have been using the cistern walkways as shortcuts? You dont get to complain about your dead husband when he died because he was walking the sewer-cistern when I was filling it up. Even worse now his body and equipment is floating around down there with his dustings of filthy sludge.
Post by: Callista on July 08, 2015, 08:48:26 pm
@ pisskop - Since that doesn't explain why a pig would be "hungry", it's no help.It says... 'Cavy boar'.
@ Callista - It shouldn't. What more can be said? You sure you're reading the right symbol?
http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Status_icon
If you [v]iew the "hungry" pig, and check it's [g]eneral status (iirc?), does it ~say~ "Hungry"?
*sigh*
I need to get more sleep. Mistaking a guinea pig for an actual pig....
Post by: pisskop on July 08, 2015, 08:57:08 pm
:b sorry, I thought you meant the pig. so while it would starve without pasture, it requires such a small space that you couold even take advantage of the ramp removal bug to feed them.
Dont dwarves feed their own critters?
Here is a pic of the critter
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ferocious ;)
Post by: Callista on July 08, 2015, 09:05:34 pm
At least if the thing dies of hunger and turns into an undead guinea pig, it'll be small enough that the military can smack it into zombie paste.
Actually, you know what? I hope it does die of hunger and turn into a zombie. Because if that happens, it may fall into one of the strategically placed cage traps I've put around the halls for just such eventualities. And if it does, that undead-guinea-pig cage is going to be built in the bedroom of Urist McPetOwner. Waking up to beady little evil zombie guinea pig eyes staring at him every morning should set him straight. Or drive him amusingly mad, not sure which.
Post by: Albedo on July 09, 2015, 01:25:37 pm
It says... 'Cavy boar'.
*sigh*
I need to get more sleep. Mistaking a guinea pig for an actual pig....
Happens. Be more significant if your dwarves were trying to stay kosher. ;)
Post by: BumbleMead on July 09, 2015, 09:19:52 pm
I am aware that being a vampire mage gives you a thirst for blood. However, if you do not drink the blood of the invaders rather than that of my dwarves I will be forced to drop you in the volcano. Four murder convictions in one year is bad enough, but you haven't even hit your third birthday yet, so knock it off!
Dear Captain of the Guard,
I don't care how cute she is, she's still a bloodsucker. Chuck her in a cell already.
-The Overseer, who needed those miners and isn't pleased about training new ones
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on July 10, 2015, 10:48:06 am
Dear bunch of ecological disaster,
The amount of fishes and mussels in the river is limited. You know I use my all mighty powers to make the nature replenishes livestock every years, but I wont help you anymore if you keep wasting all those good fishes like this !
For Armock's sake, you are standing on a pile of rotten mussel corpse. You are buried on those wasted goods ! Why do you keep dragging new catches out of the water to let them rot on the ground, when there are already so many to prepare and turn into delicious roasts ?
Stop acting like humans, you fools !
Your Overseer
But sir, we were told to fish! Fishing, of course, is the highest duty a dwarf could receive, and we couldn't possibly stop fishing just to haul something, even if the hail would be our recent catch of fish! Try having somebody else do it, instead. I'm only a fisher, you know, not a hauler
Post by: sculleywr on July 10, 2015, 04:46:07 pm
It has come to my attention that the first Dwarf Queen, Ral Brasstoned, was a necromancer. Is this intentional?
Post by: escondida on July 11, 2015, 10:20:51 am
Dear Urist McFirstdwarves
It has come to my attention that the first Dwarf Queen, Ral Brasstoned, was a necromancer. Is this intentional?
Royalty are particularly prone to wanting to "prolong [their lives] by any means." Achieving that goal generally means abdicating the throne to go write literary criticism and memoirs and read them to zombies for eternity.
Post by: sculleywr on July 12, 2015, 02:16:04 am
You were drafted in the wake of the goblin ambushes on the nineteenth of obsidian. I have disabled all 6 of you for all non medical tasks. So please tell me why Urist McSniperheadshot is still bleeding out of his right hand after the new year has begun?!?
Get off your asses and fix him!
Sincerely, the man who wishes he had found magma.
Dear Urist McSniperheadshot,
That was one hell of a shot, firing from the unfinished walks fort entrance all the way to the edge of the perimeter. I apologize that the second ambush left you cut off from the fort, and applaud your ability to deftly use your crossbow to avoid the attacks of the axeman. But would it hurt for you to at least attempt to attack the goblin before he is knocked unconscious? And when he is, would it hurt you to point your crossbow at his head and put him down instead of beating on him for a day and a half?
Sincerely,
Militia commander.
(Seriously, my fort is at the northern end and the first ambush was at the southern end of a 4x4 map. He took a shot coming out the glog. Two seconds later, I hear the combat sound and check the log to see a bolt striking the goblin axeman in the head on his log
Sincerely,
Post by: pisskop on July 13, 2015, 01:06:22 pm
DO YOU PLAN TO EVER CONSTRUCT THE BARON'S BED ANYTIME AT ALL EVER?
Post by: Eric Blank on July 13, 2015, 01:14:14 pm
No, hurry up and atom smash him so we can just build a slab instead.
Post by: TheFlame52 on July 13, 2015, 03:39:23 pm
Fuck your piccolo mandates. Fuck your imprisonment of people that aren't even involved in the production of piccolos. But most importantly, fuck you. You are the most annoying noble I've ever had. I'd kill you if you had any successors in my fort, but you don't so you live. At least until I decide enough is enough and take my chances with random succession or impregnating you via DFhack.
Post by: Callista on July 13, 2015, 09:55:25 pm
Please stop canceling the hauling of various objects because you saw a dead goblin and were horrified by the experience. Yes, they are dead goblins. In fact, you are hauling precisely because there are dead goblins, trolls, and various ex-invaders, and we need their armor to melt and turn it into better armor for our military, so that the military can make more dead goblins.
Or would you prefer living goblins in the fortress? Because I can easily arrange for that.
Your Overseer.
Post by: Tawa on July 14, 2015, 03:14:19 pm
Dear Queen Lorbam,Man, that's gotta suck. At least the one king I ever managed to get only loved rings and shields.
Fuck your piccolo mandates. Fuck your imprisonment of people that aren't even involved in the production of piccolos. But most importantly, fuck you. You are the most annoying noble I've ever had. I'd kill you if you had any successors in my fort, but you don't so you live. At least until I decide enough is enough and take my chances with random succession or impregnating you via DFhack.
Post by: Skribbblie on July 14, 2015, 04:33:15 pm
I know you're upset about the pile of bodies I left in the dining hall for three years. And I know you're upset about all the unarmed civilian mobs I enlisted to kill innocent sentients and unstoppable beasts, and how you were a part of all of them.
I know almost everyone you've ever had friendly relations with is dead.
And I know you don't really care about anything anymore.
And I know you have an endless list of injuries to the head.
But please stop throwing tantrums and murdering/maiming people. I know one of them was insane, and one of them was throwing as many tantrums as you, but the disciplinary beatings won't stop, and since those clearly aren't getting through your head, I hope you understand what I'm trying to tell you in this message.
(Keep doing what you're doing, it's very Fun, and I relish in every beating you survive with a fractured skull - you are invaluable to this great psychological experiment)
Sincerely,
Armok
Post by: escondida on July 15, 2015, 08:25:35 am
Dear Queen Lorbam,
Fuck your piccolo mandates. Fuck your imprisonment of people that aren't even involved in the production of piccolos. But most importantly, fuck you. You are the most annoying noble I've ever had. I'd kill you if you had any successors in my fort, but you don't so you live. At least until I decide enough is enough and take my chances with random succession or impregnating you via DFhack.
Dear Urist McGuard,
Keep up the good work! Every artisan you maim our imprison serves as an object lesson for my other rebellious subjects. It sure is a lucky thing our overseer decided to have a Guard squad in addition to the militia, or these plebs could just ignore my mandates with no consequences!
Sincerely,
Queen Lorbam
Post by: pisskop on July 15, 2015, 08:00:07 pm
No! You go away! Go back home; we don't want you here! We can't support you with our current set of furnishings!
To make matters worse, the King Consort is a damn Baron!
And Its even worse insofar as her bloodline has held the crown since the dawn of time, passing down the matriarichal line. So I'll feel bad if she dies.
Post by: Callista on July 16, 2015, 09:08:58 pm
(http://i59.tinypic.com/2n1b687.jpg)
...but not like THAT.
Post by: Ulfgard on July 16, 2015, 11:44:31 pm
I have come to understand that the 21 of you have managed to embark in such a location that everything above the aquifer level is made entirely of fire clay. To date, you're the only colonists to have been able to locate so much as a single tile of the stuff. So good on you for that! However, there are several concerns that need immediate addressing.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter:
I don't care how many langurs and keas are flitting about-- you done goofed, mate. Yes, I know they're scary, but they're also thieving bastards, and that was the fort's only axe. Given that we have no stone whatsoever to work with, I think you can figure out the problem on your own. I'm strongly considering ordering your fellows to bash you against the remaining trees until the trees fall over.
I wouldn't have cared if you're a lumberjack, if you're okay, if you sleep all night and work all day, and have a number of Royal Canadian Mounties singing back-up for you. As it stands, you, good Urist, have blown it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Urists McFarmer and McBrewer, respectively:
I have no idea what you're on about that there's no more plump helmet spawn, or any other seeds in the fortress for that matter. Our books clearly indicate that there are nearly 100 sitting in that stockpile directly in front of you. Why haven't you been planting? For the last three seasons, you've been camped out in the middle of one of the farm patches just staring at a wall.
This, then, brings us to the second point: there are barrels of perfectly good plump helmets sitting in the stockpile at the other end of the room, adjacent the still, and there are still a score of empty barrels in which to store the derived brew. Maybe if you'd brew the damn plump helmets and personally hand Urist McFarmer the plump helmet spawn, he'd get back to planting them.
At present, food stocks should be sufficient to feed a fort twice your size. That'll go faster than you think, though, so please get back to doing your damn jobs. Bastards like you two are exactly the reason that "region 2" is a goblin fort. At least they actually get shit done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Urist McGlassmaker:
I know you're new here, but we deal in one export material and one export material only: fire clay. Don't you even think about getting into a Mood and 1)demanding a Glass furnace or 2)demanding glass of any variety.
I will order 3 entire Z-levels dropped on you out of spite.
This is your one and only warning.
Don't. Test. Me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear collective Urists McPotter-to-be:
The fort's got more clay and more kilns than dorfs right now. Make use of them while you can, because Urist McWoodcutter isn't going to be cutting any wood any time soon. What's cut now is to be parceled out to each workshop in the fort that needs it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Urists McCarpeter and McBookkeeper collectively:
You two are the only dorfs in the fort who actually do their jobs. I both thank you, and offer congratulations. Urist McCarpenter, please keep on churning out as many masterpiece wooden items as you desire. Urist McBookkeepr, (either) you're doing an excellent job with the records (or you've goofed everything, and the rest of the dorfs standing around like idiots telling me that they don't have any of the things they need are correct).
Signed,
The Voice of Reason.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, in "region 2"
Dear Stasosts (or Snodubs, whichever you prefer):
I think I may be the only person to say this, but... BREED, DAMN YOU! BREED! You may or may not have noticed, but we stopped getting both migrants and caravans about 5 years ago, and the attrition is really starting to add up now. We've had a 1/3 reduction of the population. Nowhere is there a single baby or child to be seen. It's up to you to put us back on a growth trend. Get to it!
*PS-- Dostngosp
When I specifically told you to vein-dig that hematite, I fully expected you to STOP DIGGING once you hit the obsidian wall of the magma tube. I'm not sure what should have been your first clue-- that it was hot stone, or that it was obsidian instead of hematite. In any case, you single-handedly incinerated one out of every three goblins in the fort with your little screw-up. (How you, yourself, managed to escape incineration is beyond me, though.) While I can't pin the lack of merchants or migrants on you, the fort's death toll lies largely at your feet.
Sincerely,
Bittermalice, Demon Lord of Plaitedshrieks
Post by: Finn on July 17, 2015, 10:10:08 am
Dear collective Urists of "region 1":
I have come to understand that the 21 of you have managed to embark in such a location that everything above the aquifer level is made entirely of fire clay. To date, you're the only colonists to have been able to locate so much as a single tile of the stuff. So good on you for that! However, there are several concerns that need immediate addressing.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter:
I don't care how many langurs and keas are flitting about-- you done goofed, mate. Yes, I know they're scary, but they're also thieving bastards, and that was the fort's only axe. Given that we have no stone whatsoever to work with, I think you can figure out the problem on your own. I'm strongly considering ordering your fellows to bash you against the remaining trees until the trees fall over.
I wouldn't have cared if you're a lumberjack, if you're okay, if you sleep all night and work all day, and have a number of Royal Canadian Mounties singing back-up for you. As it stands, you, good Urist, have blown it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Urists McFarmer and McBrewer, respectively:
I have no idea what you're on about that there's no more plump helmet spawn, or any other seeds in the fortress for that matter. Our books clearly indicate that there are nearly 100 sitting in that stockpile directly in front of you. Why haven't you been planting? For the last three seasons, you've been camped out in the middle of one of the farm patches just staring at a wall.
This, then, brings us to the second point: there are barrels of perfectly good plump helmets sitting in the stockpile at the other end of the room, adjacent the still, and there are still a score of empty barrels in which to store the derived brew. Maybe if you'd brew the damn plump helmets and personally hand Urist McFarmer the plump helmet spawn, he'd get back to planting them.
At present, food stocks should be sufficient to feed a fort twice your size. That'll go faster than you think, though, so please get back to doing your damn jobs. Bastards like you two are exactly the reason that "region 2" is a goblin fort. At least they actually get shit done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Urist McGlassmaker:
I know you're new here, but we deal in one export material and one export material only: fire clay. Don't you even think about getting into a Mood and 1)demanding a Glass furnace or 2)demanding glass of any variety.
I will order 3 entire Z-levels dropped on you out of spite.
This is your one and only warning.
Don't. Test. Me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear collective Urists McPotter-to-be:
The fort's got more clay and more kilns than dorfs right now. Make use of them while you can, because Urist McWoodcutter isn't going to be cutting any wood any time soon. What's cut now is to be parceled out to each workshop in the fort that needs it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Urists McCarpeter and McBookkeeper collectively:
You two are the only dorfs in the fort who actually do their jobs. I both thank you, and offer congratulations. Urist McCarpenter, please keep on churning out as many masterpiece wooden items as you desire. Urist McBookkeepr, (either) you're doing an excellent job with the records (or you've goofed everything, and the rest of the dorfs standing around like idiots telling me that they don't have any of the things they need are correct).
Signed,
The Voice of Reason.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, in "region 2"
Dear Stasosts (or Snodubs, whichever you prefer):
I think I may be the only person to say this, but... BREED, DAMN YOU! BREED! You may or may not have noticed, but we stopped getting both migrants and caravans about 5 years ago, and the attrition is really starting to add up now. We've had a 1/3 reduction of the population. Nowhere is there a single baby or child to be seen. It's up to you to put us back on a growth trend. Get to it!
*PS-- DostngospMcMiner....erm, Rock-biter(?):
When I specifically told you to vein-dig that hematite, I fully expected you to STOP DIGGING once you hit the obsidian wall of the magma tube. I'm not sure what should have been your first clue-- that it was hot stone, or that it was obsidian instead of hematite. In any case, you single-handedly incinerated one out of every three goblins in the fort with your little screw-up. (How you, yourself, managed to escape incineration is beyond me, though.) While I can't pin the lack of merchants or migrants on you, the fort's death toll lies largely at your feet.
Sincerely,
Bittermalice, Demon Lord of Plaitedshrieks
I enjoyed this, very funny. But can't your carpenter make a wodden training axe for the woodcutter? Or does that trick no longer work in .40?
Post by: Ulfgard on July 17, 2015, 10:36:32 am
I enjoyed this, very funny. But can't your carpenter make a wodden training axe for the woodcutter? Or does that trick no longer work in .40?
Ah, glad you enjoyed it. And to answer your question, it still works that way in vanilla, yes. It would appear, though, that one of the mods I'm running removes that functionality from training axes as I've already pursued that particular course of action. Either that or my woodcutter is, in fact, too busy singing about being a lumberjack.
Post by: pisskop on July 17, 2015, 01:59:15 pm
First of all, I'd like to say a work in praise of your skillsets. Good job corpse hauling. The cleanup of the depopulation oof the second cavern caused by that one FB is slowly completing thanks to your efforts.
Now, on to the problem at hand. Yes, we locked you out. Yes, we know you're trying to carry those rutherers to the stockpiles. But look! There's a passage going down that we need you two to either a)wall off or b)get down and let less upset individuals handle. Standing there bitching at the drawbridge will not make it lower, and that sound? Well, thats the sound of a war dog being incinerated and the the entire cavern burning to a crisp. Except for that Beast. He's immune to fire and coming your way slowly. The crundles will only distract him for so long. Please move.
Regards,
OS
Post by: SimRobert2001 on July 18, 2015, 03:50:02 am
Dear Doctor and Hauler;
First of all, I'd like to say a work in praise of your skillsets. Good job corpse hauling. The cleanup of the depopulation oof the second cavern caused by that one FB is slowly completing thanks to your efforts.
Now, on to the problem at hand. Yes, we locked you out. Yes, we know you're trying to carry those rutherers to the stockpiles. But look! There's a passage going down that we need you two to either a)wall off or b)get down and let less upset individuals handle. Standing there bitching at the drawbridge will not make it lower, and that sound? Well, thats the sound of a war dog being incinerated and the the entire cavern burning to a crisp. Except for that Beast. He's immune to fire and coming your way slowly. The crundles will only distract him for so long. Please move.
Regards,
OS
You could recruit him into the military, and station him elsewhere.
Post by: CaptainGame on July 18, 2015, 07:47:33 pm
The recent siege of a gnome caravan by the drow left us with many clockwork animals - as such, your presence in my base does not surprise me. What does confuse me, however, is how you got to nearly the bottom of the main stairwell in absence of any apparent means of locomotion given you're in a bloody cage. But somehow, instead of arriving in the depot like your robot brethren, you chose to simply materialize in the cavern stairs, cage and all, and begin vomiting excess amounts of smoke into my base, driving all my dwarves insane while triggering an excessive number of "cannot find path" cancellation messages.
I don't know where you came from and I don't know why you won't go back there, but I've deleted you as well as all the negative thoughts you've caused. You cheat, I cheat.
Sincerely,
The Overseer, who's a much better wizard than you are
Post by: PyroTechno on July 20, 2015, 05:16:13 pm
Please stop asking for maces when our fortress doesn't have any metal.
Thank you,
-The person who will commit regicide if you keep it up, even though you are one of the only 7 dwarves that still exist on this planet, so help me Vush Crimsonlilacs the Tax of Luxuries, the imp god of wealth, jewels, minerals, metals, mountains, volcanos, and fire
Post by: pisskop on July 20, 2015, 05:47:56 pm
Why are you hanging out in a destroyed ruin of the old capital? You're the only living critter there, too.
Post by: escondida on July 20, 2015, 07:21:19 pm
Greetings to you on behalf of the dwarves of Lanterngroove, and in the name of Her Majesty Urdim Konosssoloz, queen of the Mountainhomes of the Obscure Spears, Protectress Extraordinaire of the Cantons of the Deep, may her rule be eternal and wise, &c., &c.
[Editor's note: it appears that Mayor Keskalesmul sent several letters to a visiting human diplomat. The preamble and closing were more or less identical between them, so they will each be included only once]
[First Missive, dated 5th Hematite 253:]
I was greatly pleased to hear of your mission to visit our humble fort. I have looked forward to our meeting for some time now. When you arrive at the fort, any of the citizenry you encounter will be happy to point you to my office, where I shall have a banquet laid out in your honor.
[Second Missive, dated 23rd Timber 253:]
I received your reply to my letter. I absolutely understand that among your people, it is customary to visit the local aristocracy before meeting with lowly civil servants, but alas Duchess Endok is currently indisposed. I shan't bore you with the details, but it seems that the Duchess is the sole witness to a rather grisly murder---an exsanguination, in fact---in one of the poorer quarters of the fort. She was able to give me a detailed description of a figure she says she saw running from the scene, but I happen to know that the suspect so named was busily at work on our curtain wall at the time. Because we have yet to apprehend the true culprit, and because I fear there may be reprisals from the killer, I have taken the liberty of confining the Duchess to her quarters indefinitely---for her own protection, of course. Fortunately for the fort, but unfortunately for the Duchess, who doubtless must continue to live in fear, the killer has not struck again since I took this step. I hope you understand my reasons for not allowing you in to see her; we cannot be too careful.
My offer of a meeting still stands, of course; I think you'll find that, in the Duchess's absence, I have somehow managed to struggle by and keep the fort running.
[Third Missive, dated 1st Hematite 254:]
You have been camping on the outskirts of Lanterngroove for very nearly a year now, awaiting word from the Duchess. I've been generous--I even had her office restructured for you, fortifications carved through which she could speak with you without leaving the safety of her desk. This was at great risk to
Yours,
Iden Keskalesmul,
Mayor and Protectress of Lanterngroove by the grace of her people and in the name of Her Majesty Urdim Konossoloz, may her name be sung forever and her wine be ever bountiful, &c., &c.
[Fourth Missive, dated 1st Granite 255:]
Dear Kumil Partnergates, Militia Commander,
I think that human diplomat waiting on the other side of the dry moat is in league with Duchess Endok. Your revenge on Endok for murdering your father still has to wait until we can make it look like an accident, but if you'll take care of her tall lackey for me I'd be very appreciative.
Yours,
Iden
Post by: MobRules on July 21, 2015, 10:37:24 am
Post by: escondida on July 23, 2015, 09:54:31 am
Dear Dastot McGrieving,
I'm very sorry about the loss of your wife. She died in the line of duty, protecting the fortress by reloading the traps that catch anyone that sneaks around the militia checkpoint. Nobody could have forseen that somehow, a pack of wild boars would get that far, or that they would gore her to death before she could retreat to the fort. We all mourn her loss, and appreciate her brave sacrifice.
That said, I'd take it as a kindness if you were to stand well away from all those levers next time you're feeling upset. So far, no harm's been done, but let's face it--until you get over this, you're an accident waiting to happen. How about you go spend some time in the hilltop vomit-covered statue garden?
Sincerely,
The Genius Loci
Post by: IronChainDragon on July 23, 2015, 02:50:05 pm
I get it. We're the last ones left. Ever since the door somehow got left open, we've been living in the first cavern layer. It's been like this for five years.
Please stop being upset about dead pets. Some of you never even met them, because while we're trapped here, the animals are all up there!
Management
-Two weeks later-
To werebeasts and vampires:
I'm sorry I left you all in individual rooms with only the bare necessities. I'm sorry I forgot you when fleeing to the caverns. But the main fort hit magma and you are almost literally the only ones left. I have two options.
Option A is you somehow turn into a functioning society. Option B is to drag my malfunctioning computer through worldgen again. I'm not sure which I prefer more. So, if I have the few survivors dig you out, would you please do something about those goblins and FOrgotten Beasts that have been there for the past five years?
Management
Post by: pisskop on July 23, 2015, 06:30:40 pm
Why did you cook all our booze? Its really annoying that you decided to mak rum biscuits instead of all the faphing plants we have lying around.
Post by: SimRobert2001 on July 23, 2015, 09:42:38 pm
Dear dwarf chef;
Why did you cook all our booze? Its really annoying that you decided to mak rum biscuits instead of all the faphing plants we have lying around.
Im using the closest thing avaliable to me! If you dont want me using them, then you should forbid them in the kitchen menu
Post by: pisskop on July 23, 2015, 10:17:18 pm
Im appalled that I need to remember to tell you not to cook each new strain of potatoe, wheat, zuchini, or fig that our distiller puts sweat into fermenting. Especially since he doest tell me when he makes a new flavor.
When you gonna get a better kitchen menu? One where I can disable all booze and seed cooking at once? :x
Post by: MobRules on July 24, 2015, 08:32:37 am
Dear dwarf chef;I thought seeds were disabled by default for cooking, unless you turn them on? (Or is that just something DF Hack is doing for me that isn't in vanilla? It's been so long since I played without DFH.)
Im appalled that I need to remember to tell you not to cook each new strain of potatoe, wheat, zuchini, or fig that our distiller puts sweat into fermenting. Especially since he doest tell me when he makes a new flavor.
When you gonna get a better kitchen menu? One where I can disable all booze and seed cooking at once? :x
Booze, yeah. I wish there was a way to say "use as much dwarven wine as you want for cooking -- the more the better -- but lets save the other stuff for drinking, 'kay?"
Post by: PyroTechno on July 24, 2015, 09:25:39 am
Booze, yeah. I wish there was a way to say "use as much dwarven wine as you want for cooking -- the more the better -- but lets save the other stuff for drinking, 'kay?"
Just enable cooking for dwarven wine in the kitchen permissions menu and disable it on the rest of the alcohols.
Post by: stinkasectomy on July 25, 2015, 11:18:39 am
Dear three (3!) terrifying biomes- where are all the undead? i know there is a small joyful wilds as well, but i have had what, one undead weasel in 4 years? nothing is getting stuck, there plenty of animals coming and going, so why am i only getting boring things? wild boar and gazelle are not interesting. and neither are the endless stream of white storks. there aren't even any interesting weather, just the horribly annoying permanet dizzyness and elf blood
Post by: AnimaRytak on July 26, 2015, 12:08:19 am
You do not just get to nominate yourself queen. That is now how this works. This isn't how this works at all.
Get back to digging before I stick you in magma.
Love,
-Overseer
PS. Get back to work or I'm locking you in the closet and throwing away the key.
Post by: HDSlugMoar on July 26, 2015, 11:48:43 pm
You start a tantrum about the war and i stop the war. You continue to throw a tantrum because of the corpses and vomit and guts, when you wake up its all gone. And yet your still having a tantrum and punching people, so i give you an make you trader and then give several months of vacation. I destroyed this mountain to protect dwarven interests and i put it back together to keep you from throwing statues at people. But I'm tired of it, i assigned a new hammerdwarf today so if your wandering what this letter is, its a letter to inform you of your arrest. The militia got a similar letter this morning.
Your Baron, Id Gebrigost
Post by: escondida on July 27, 2015, 08:43:14 am
Oh, cheer up, will you? For crying out loud, I just held a triumph for you! Granted, the form the triumphal celebrations took was locking you all in the upper story of the arena while below you the military slaughtered a dozen nude and unarmed goblin-brainwashed dwarves, but nevertheless, it's just good clean fun! There's no need to be horrified after seeing a dozen dwarves die; those guys were total jerks.
...Still, maybe I'll wait a while before executing the rest of the captured soldiers.
Yours sincerely,
Genius loci
Post by: StrikaAmaru on July 27, 2015, 08:46:43 am
Kindly get over the regrettable deaths of your four kitten-makers, which have inexplicably wandered into the atom-smasher despite the presence of a locked door. Firstly, this unfortunate accident has happened in late spring; it's now early winter. Secondly, you have also been adopted by around a dozen other non-kitten-makers, I haven't bothered to check, and this should suffice in comforting you.
Speaking of, why are you only adopted by the weakest, sickest, wimpiest cats in the fort? There are no less than 11 cats whose physical attributes are all above 50, and who, through some remarkable coincidence, never wander into atomsmashers. Only two of those have picked owners, none of which are you. Can you seriously not say no?
-- Respectfully, the spirit of the place.
Post by: PyroTechno on July 27, 2015, 09:53:17 am
Dear Arhel Kolakrul, esteemed Armorer, Weaponsmith and Furnace Operator,
Kindly get over the regrettable deaths of your four kitten-makers, which have inexplicably wandered into the atom-smasher despite the presence of a locked door. Firstly, this unfortunate accident has happened in late spring; it's now early winter. Secondly, you have also been adopted by around a dozen other non-kitten-makers, I haven't bothered to check, and this should suffice in comforting you.
Speaking of, why are you only adopted by the weakest, sickest, wimpiest cats in the fort? There are no less than 11 cats whose physical attributes are all above 50, and who, through some remarkable coincidence, never wander into atomsmashers. Only two of those have picked owners, none of which are you. Can you seriously not say no?
-- Respectfully, the spirit of the place.
I didn't think dwarves got bad thoughts when their pets went missing. I thought it worked like with other dwarves - it's only if they find the body, and with an atom smasher, there's no body to find.
Also, "gelding" is a thing now. Just a thought.
Post by: Callista on July 27, 2015, 02:01:15 pm
I don't suppose I can persuade you to stop decimating the local cavy population, which our butcher finds too small to bother with, and instead bring home some juicy antelope instead? Nope? Right then... Back to hauling, you scrub. Our mechanics and animal trainers will take over where you left off, and likely be much more successful at it.
Your Exasperated Overseer, who would be much more annoyed if we didn't have enough plump helmets to last us about a century.
Post by: PyroTechno on July 27, 2015, 04:18:53 pm
I understand that you must occasionally exercise your abilities of wizard magic in order to keep them in working order. However, teleporting through multiple walls to some random place on the surface in a haunted forest is a very bad idea, and immediately running for the zombie kestrel on the other side of the map and trying to punch it to death is downright suicidal.
If you keep it up, I can and will restrict you to a 1x1 cell that people occasionally drop food and water into.
-The Overseer
Post by: Dunamisdeos on July 27, 2015, 07:37:37 pm
How did you achieve High Master gelder? That sounds more like a title than a level of skill. Is there an association of gelders, perhaps with it's own shadowy council that assigns rank to its members? Is there a test?
Also, it's the year 02, and your civilization on only has 20-ish animals.
Thanks
Post by: escondida on July 27, 2015, 09:20:35 pm
Dear Urist McGelder,
How did you achieve High Master gelder? [....] it's the year 02, and your civilization on only has 20-ish animals.
By my beard! Ain't twenny enou'? Why the 'ell d'ye think Ah went inta this business in th' first place? Ah'm gonna make damn sure my people never have more than twenny animals ta deal wit' if it's the last thing Ah do!
Post by: StrikaAmaru on July 28, 2015, 03:16:32 am
You are running FROM a measly kobold, and INTO the teeth of a goblin siege. Meditate on that.
Respectfully,
-- the one who won't send the military after your stupid ass.
(edit: she actually made it, because kobbie went right, she fled left, and the siege had spawned relatively far from fort entry)
Post by: Skribbblie on July 28, 2015, 05:14:43 am
As you are the only current member of the fort's militia, I must ask you to run faster when help is needed. The Werebuffalo has accosted us twice now, at the cost of baby animals and a few copper bolts, but we might not be so lucky next time.
Additionally, please carry this message to all of our miners (and enforce it accordingly):
Miners, please be more careful whilst digging the massive trench around the fort. I am honestly unsure how you keep causing cave-ins, but I keep having flashbacks of when our second legendary miner was flung into the flooded corner of the trench and spent so long floundering around that he became skilled in the art of swimming before he finally managed to grab the (third) newly-constructed ledge we made.
Failure to comply with this warning will result in immediate and automatic torture by cave-in dust.
Sincerely,
The Voice In Your Heads
Post by: StrikaAmaru on July 28, 2015, 11:27:56 am
Also, "gelding" is a thing now. Just a thought.
Not in 34.11... plus they're all female cats (hence kitten-makers) so gelding wouldn't help anyway.
Post by: Evaris on July 29, 2015, 12:22:30 am
I brought you along as a member of the starting seven in the hopes you would be capable of treating any injuries sustained by other dwarves on account of our embark in a savage biome. While your deeds in attacking that alligator were indeed heroic, your death at the hands of said alligator (who proceeded to be killed by our war dogs which were brought along for that particular purpose) means that three years in and under siege once again, are still without a doctor. I continue to pray our traps prove sufficient and that I won't have to pass along one of the injured to an unpracticed diagnostician. In good news, though you have rotted into a skeleton, we have finally finished the first room in the catecombs, and you have the honor of being the first to get a coffin.
Dear Crossbow squad:
When we captured the cyclops, and I ordered fortifications set up to contain it so you could dispatch it without issues, I do believe I gave you a kill order. Not an order for 3/4ths of you to be terrified with fright and do nothing for well over a month. While two among you did continue to pelt it with bolts, I was further disappointed by your inability to hit anything important. Still, the two who did something will be happy to find their new promotions to militia captains and an increase in ration alotment. The rest of you should hope we don't see another siege anytime soon that manages to get past our traps, as you will find yourselves on the front line for the sake of live training.
Dear Urist McMayor:
I understand your fascination with flails. Really, I do. Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing. However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat. And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea. As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered.
Post by: Bumber on July 29, 2015, 01:43:46 am
Dear Urist McMayor:Flails are actually net positive on metal for smelting. Kind of a moot point, though, since flails are foreign weapons. You can't order them made unless you're using modded raws.
I understand your fascination with flails. Really, I do. Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing. However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat. And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea. As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered.
Post by: Evaris on July 29, 2015, 08:38:41 am
Dear Urist McMayor:Flails are actually net positive on metal for smelting. Kind of a moot point, though, since flails are foreign weapons. You can't order them made unless you're using modded raws.
I understand your fascination with flails. Really, I do. Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing. However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat. And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea. As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered.
Orichalcum has them available to make, so.. yeah. *points to sig*
Post by: pisskop on July 29, 2015, 09:44:01 am
Also maybe a smaller contact point, at the expense of adding a redundant or suboptimal attack. Thattll make them more balanced in the hands of the good ol' ai.
Also a minsize increase will help limit who can use them, afa dwarves.
Post by: Evaris on July 29, 2015, 10:12:35 am
The solution is to buff them. Make them slower to swing with more velocity and a much longer recovery phase.
Also maybe a smaller contact point, at the expense of adding a redundant or suboptimal attack. Thattll make them more balanced in the hands of the good ol' ai.
Also a minsize increase will help limit who can use them, afa dwarves.
The problem is game physics, which is why the maul sucks as well right now.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Callista on July 29, 2015, 12:22:46 pm
I think my Human language is a bit rusty, because when you say you're "still unloading" and "will be ready soon", it seems evident that you mean "coming to the depot by swimming across the lake" and "dragging your poor pack animals behind you".
Please either send a language instructor with the next caravan, or stop being so utterly, ridiculously dumb.
Monom Mishimatir, Broker.
Post by: escondida on July 30, 2015, 11:33:37 am
Dear Human Merchants:
I think my Human language is a bit rusty, because when you say you're "still unloading" and "will be ready soon", it seems evident that you mean "coming to the depot by swimming across the lake" and "dragging your poor pack animals behind you".
Dear Overseer Kalista,
I don't hear you complaining about our methods when you buy the wagonload of fresh fish we catch. You didn't think we somehow transported all that fish all the way from the ocean to your fort without its rotting, did you? Fish has an extremely short shelf life, you know.
Yours sincerely,
Ise Shellbanks, Human Fishmonger Merchant
Post by: Callista on July 31, 2015, 11:44:38 am
Well, at least buy a fishing license, then.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dorfs
Post by: TheFlame52 on August 06, 2015, 08:40:30 am
It was bad when you started demanding unmeetable demands. It was worse when you started imprisoning military dwarves. But when you imprisoned FOUNDER MOMUZ, you went too far. You better have yourself a bastard child or your line is going to die out forever, if you know what I mean. I mean I'm going to release demons in your room.
Sincerely, Overseer Bastiongate
Post by: SimRobert2001 on August 07, 2015, 09:25:46 am
I know you are on break, and know how hard you work. But, there is currently a mason dying out in the world. He was beaten by a ghost that due to several unfortunate circumstances, was killed by the former king after his sarcophagus was placed on a reanimating biome. OH, well, lesson learned. Now, with THAT being said, could you pick him up from the outside? Please? Just carry him away from the ghost so he doesn't die? There are only 3 of you left now. The other guy is in the med bay after running into an undead raven
Edit: oh wait, the other guy got up JUST as you got off break. Good job, king!
Post by: customlemon on August 07, 2015, 11:49:29 am
If I see any of you going on a tantrum spiral because we killed some dirty goblins,
you will get a one way ticket to the nearest magma chamber.
Signed,
A spy-hater
Post by: Fperson1 on August 07, 2015, 07:38:41 pm
Yes, I know you can't reach the spot you're trying to clean, and the objects you're trying to retrieve. This is because it's in the third cavern layer, a place we have no connection to and have not officially discovered, and that I know about only because your incessant job cancellation messages forced me to use
With love,
The Overseer of Glowingsteel
Post by: PyroTechno on August 07, 2015, 11:01:10 pm
To the dwarves of Glowingsteel:
Yes, I know you can't reach the spot you're trying to clean, and the objects you're trying to retrieve. This is because it's in the third cavern layer, a place we have no connection to and have not officially discovered, and that I know about only because your incessant job cancellation messages forced me to useDFHack's reveal toolmy phenomenal cosmic power to locate the crundle corpses you are all dead-set on returning to the refuse stockpile. To rectify this problem, I have issued a decree that non-hunted corpses should be left where they fall, and that no dwarf should clean anything, ever, or at least until we can safely enter the third cavern layer and you can all clean that one patch of blood that so offends your sensibilities.
With love,
The Overseer of Glowingsteel
Still not as bad as hospital cancellation spam. One missing bucket can freeze your entire fortress.
Post by: Zuglarkun on August 08, 2015, 12:43:57 am
I have went to great lengths to ensure that all of the starting seven will have a lasting legacy in the fortress by painstakingly assigning each dwarf a spouse and their own luxury marriage suites.
Now Urvad, I know it is not your fault for being born in an earlier time, thus making finding a spouse unnecessarily complicated by being older (101 years) than the rest of the general population, as well as most of the prospective migrant population.
I also know it is not your fault for being born homosexual dearest Thob, thus not being eligible as a prospective mate for Urvad though you are the only remaining lady that is of eligible age in our dwarfish customs. It pains me greatly to have to realign your gender and sexual inclination for the sake of the greater good of the fortress, but it must be done. So I hope you forgive me.
Now, I tried to get you both married, but you stayed as lovers for how ever many many years. That's fine - as your overlord I have ways of bypassing that with time bending capabilities. So I went back a few years before you knew each other and tinkered with your memories and sexual inclination so that you officially became husband and wife. Peachy. I even removed all your labors as a privilege so that you'll both have a whole deal of time to spend with each other. Its been 4 years since then. Really all I ask is that you two get a little freaky with each other and bear yourselves and the fortress a heir for your troubles.
Is that so much to ask?
Yours sincerely,
The Overseer of Facehugged.
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 09, 2015, 11:09:54 pm
as an aside, tree seeds, if cookable, are by default enabled (rambutan and durian) so not quite all seeds are disable by default.
Dear three (3!) terrifying biomes- where are all the undead? i know there is a small joyful wilds as well, but i have had what, one undead weasel in 4 years? nothing is getting stuck, there plenty of animals coming and going, so why am i only getting boring things? wild boar and gazelle are not interesting. and neither are the endless stream of white storks. there aren't even any interesting weather, just the horribly annoying permanet dizzyness and elf blood
Where have all the undead gone... long time passing...
Post by: Bumber on August 10, 2015, 08:05:17 pm
Where is my Thriller song?
Where is my Fun ending?
Where have all the undead gone?
Post by: PyroTechno on August 10, 2015, 08:39:24 pm
I get hit with them all the time.
The last time was zombie ogres.
Zombie ogres + dwarf = suspicious red stain and nothing else.
Post by: Chevaleresse on August 11, 2015, 01:11:31 am
Why did you choose a raising drawbridge to stand on, of all locations? Two of you even managed to stand on the anchor point, and all three of you have been atomsmashed. Now I have to slab you as your corpses have literally vanished from existence.
Post by: Nyxalinth on August 13, 2015, 07:40:10 am
Back on topic, Dorfs of Wadwhipped, y u no smelt that nice chunk of hematite? I need it to make a second pick. Is hematite requiring two ore now? I keep getting "Needs hematite ore" even though it's accessible, mined out, etc.
I'm about to revoke all your energy domes. They obviously aren't working on your thick skulls.
the Overseer
Post by: pisskop on August 15, 2015, 11:02:22 am
Y U only have one name? Most humies have a first and last name. Are you some kind of legend; whose nickname supercedes his actual government? Were you raised by kobolds? You seem pretty run-of-the-mill, except you married a general.
Get a first name you hippie punk.
Pedit: Dear Zombie human.
Why are you camped next to elven encampments? Im entirely confuzzled whats going on here. I come out of fast travel to find you gunning for my head and elves sleeping peaceably in theur happy little cloth tents. hunh.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on August 15, 2015, 01:51:38 pm
Cordially,
AS5!^&!DGKHAS&7DGH!!!!!!
Post by: blazing glory on August 25, 2015, 09:58:02 am
I know you don't want to venture into the caves for advanced combat training, but that's no excuse for refusing to don your full set of equipment in protest.
Refusing to grab a breastplate, a shield, a pair of gauntlets, and a second boot to complete the set (talking to you, Sigun.) is likely to make your death even more likely.
The other 4 members of The Diamond Controls happily grabbed a full set, seriously, the armor bin is right there, just get the rest of it and get it over with.
Signed, an overseer without a trained military.
Post by: NESgamer190 on August 25, 2015, 10:39:17 am
Why must you insist on the mayor being the thresher who only likes large gems?
Sincerely,
The displeased overseer who fabricates the elections in the broker's favor.
Post by: escondida on August 25, 2015, 11:11:12 am
’Cause that thresher’s a real nice dorf who knows what's best for the fort, my friend! Think o’ what we c’n buy wit’ ’em! And they’re mighty simple ta produce, too! So long as ye have yer gem cutters cuttin’ gems, they’ll gift the fort wit’ plenny o’ the things.
Yers,
Urist McDorf
P.S.: “Nesga Mer,” what is that, some sorta gobble-un name?
Post by: blazing glory on August 25, 2015, 11:29:15 pm
Or whatever it is down there causing trouble.
I would appreciate it if you would kindly not set fire to the Caverns, because while I'm not using them, it's rather messy and I neglected to make the gate post entirely out of stone, I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't got a message about some Cave Swallow person apparently spontaneously combusting.
Stop setting fires or I'll set The Diamond controls on you no matter how well equipped they are at the moment.
Sincerely, The Overseer.
Post by: achamalacha on August 26, 2015, 10:22:20 am
your benoveled Overseer merely retired for a few weeks, to wander the world. To the day of his farewell severall Forgotten beast have been slayed, a dragon tamed, regular sieges been broken, and last but not least: many caravans, be it human or dwarven, came for trading and left without any harm - most of the time ecstatic with the trading afterwards.
Anyhow, after a few weeks time unsupervised, the fortress-bridge is wide open, whilst the remains of a caravan are scattered over the whole map. The remaining traders, guards and wagons are involved in fights with goblins and trolls in- and outside the fortress.
Meanwhile a forgotten beast is on the loose, trying to reach the surface, eventually end up in an fight with a stray dragon. Although both creatures are absorbed in their epic battle, they occasionally stop figthing each other to kill a nearby dwarf.
Meanwhile a confused dwarfen child is sitting on in front of the main entrance. It listens to the distant, yet approaching, deathly rumble of dragonfire mixing up with spittle of an forgotten beast... In agony it awaits it's certain, sudden end.
thanks, I'll leave you guys to it...
yours I don't even know why I care so much
Post by: MobRules on August 30, 2015, 08:17:47 am
You've been at this fortress for over two years. At any time during that period, getting in a fey mood and demanding bones would not have been a problem. Did you really need to wait until our first undead siege? The refuse heaps and butcher shops are currently behind locked drawbridges, and I'm not going to put the entire fort at risk just so that you can get a few camel bones.
Granted, had I thought ahead, I could have prepared for a moody dwarf needing bones during an undead seige. Alas, I did not. Therefore, I hope you will forgive me for building a wall around your workshop; if you last until the end of the siege without going mad, I will be more than happy to let you out to gather bones.
Sincerely,
Your Facepalming Overseer.
Post by: pisskop on August 30, 2015, 07:24:49 pm
Just slaughter some geese, or breach the cavern and kill a critter. Then build a butchers shop by a newly designated corpse stockpile and let somebody carve it up.
dont you wanna see my elkbird bone figurine of a wagon being scuttled? :x
Post by: Skribbblie on August 30, 2015, 10:01:23 pm
Heeeeey! Hi! Hello! How are you doing? Everything good? Good okay? Things great? Greeeeat. Is the wooden cage comfortable? Not too small? Stare blankly for yes, start loving living things again for no.
Greeeeat.
Sincerely,
Armok
P.S. Sorry about stripping you naked and leaving your cage in the dining hall. Couldn't really tell the little rascals to stop undressing you after we got the axe out of your hands. What can ya do, eh?
No hard feelings, right?
Greeeeat.
Post by: noirscape on September 10, 2015, 03:37:14 am
Urist McSacrifice got burned in that volcano. That was fine, I intended for him to die so we could set up the magma workshops. I engraved a slab and placed it in the memorial hall. I also constructed coffins to put away your pets that were outside during the goblin ambush. This was all good and fine. What is not fine is that despite the fact that Urist McSacrifice is properly memorialised, you still assign a free coffin to him. I left those coffins free so that you may decide who to put in them. You can't even encase him in a tomb because there is NO BODY. Now I'm stuck with an empty coffin that could be used to entomb other dead dwarves. But I can't, because Urist McSacrifice got assigned to it, despite being memorialized.
Please think next time you do these things. Its much more efficient to just let him keep his slab.
Sincerly,
Your Overseer who is suffering from FPS.
P.S.: To the Speardwarf squad: Those Goblins I ordered you to kill? Great job. Next time only, try not to get their parts everywhere, it annoys the cleaners.
Post by: Lolfail0009 on September 10, 2015, 04:43:39 am
Please store the fucking bars in the fucking bins that the fucking carpenters spent for-fucking-ever making so you fucking haulers could fucking haul the fucking bars into the fucking bins, which are in the fucking stockpile with the bins value fucking maxed.
Sincerely,
Overseer McNoSenseNoReasonNoMercyOnlyRage
Post by: noirscape on September 14, 2015, 03:17:13 pm
I wanted that cistern filled. What that means is roughly this:
1. You grab a bucket.
2. You walk to the water.
3. You fill the bucket.
4. You deposit the water in the well.
5. Reuse the bucket and go to step 2.
What you did instead:
1. You grab a bucket.
2. You walk to the water.
3. You fill the bucket.
4. You deposit the water in the well.
5. Go to step 1.
You can reuse the same bucket you know. There is no need to grab a new one each time. The other dwarves keep hauling your buckets back to their stockpiles.
- Sincerly, the Managment.
Post by: escondida on September 16, 2015, 07:38:34 am
Dear Urist McBucketLover,
I wanted that cistern filled. What that means is roughly this:
1. You grab a bucket.
2. You walk to the water.
3. You fill the bucket.
4. You deposit the water in the well.
5. Reuse the bucket and go to step 2.
What you did instead:
1. You grab a bucket.
2. You walk to the water.
3. You fill the bucket.
4. You deposit the water in the well.
5. Go to step 1.
You can reuse the same bucket you know. There is no need to grab a new one each time. The other dwarves keep hauling your buckets back to their stockpiles.
Tha’s as may be, but the buckets we’ve used’re all wet! We can’t go grabbin’ water with a wet bucket, now can we? That would make the water we fetched double-wet, and we all know what would happen then: probably nothin’ good. Now if only someone would let us stockpile those dangerously wet buckets by the pond where we’re droppin’ ’em anyway, maybe this wouldn’t be a problem!
Post by: escondida on September 17, 2015, 08:32:24 am
You are the world's expert on the horrifying beasts of the darkness beneath the world, and also on buzzards. I'm counting on you to train the dozens upon dozens of monstrosities we capture in our cages. I understand it's a lot of work to do, but you have quite literally no other job, so why is there a constant backlog of untamed animals lately?
Post by: noirscape on September 17, 2015, 05:08:22 pm
Dear Mebzuth Adilkat,
You are the world's expert on the horrifying beasts of the darkness beneath the world, and also on buzzards. I'm counting on you to train the dozens upon dozens of monstrosities we capture in our cages. I understand it's a lot of work to do, but you have quite literally no other job, so why is there a constant backlog of untamed animals lately?
Dear escondida,
I can't help it that I need to eat/drink/sleep/be on break/haul stuff immediately when one of those beasts look at me! Those beasts bring up a dwarfs most important needs you know! Like being alive.
Sincerly,
Mebzuth Adilkat
Post by: Prop42 on September 20, 2015, 10:41:01 am
For fucks sakes, you're refusing to go back into the fort because there is a single pebble of granite in your way. You can easily move it out of the way, we have plenty of stone stockpiles, but instead, you're standing outside, in the rain, starving to death, and complaining about the rain. If you can't be bothered to get yourself out of this situation, you can keep being a masochistic bastard and dying of hunger.
Sincerely, Urist McInvisibleAllKnowingOverseer
Post by: escondida on September 20, 2015, 11:30:48 pm
Post by: Thisfox on September 22, 2015, 01:59:56 pm
If you hadn't eaten all the engravers, jewellers, and metalcrafters, we would have better rooms and furniture for you to enjoy. As it is, you have brought this down upon yourself. So stop whinging.
Post by: Tawa on September 22, 2015, 08:10:22 pm
OK, it's great and all you want "trees... life..." for your preciousssss, but if you need these trees so badly we have this great big pile of trees out front...
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Addendum:
Dear Urist McPossessed:
Sorry I forgot to get that dog skin tanned. Hope your wacky... whatever you're making turns out well!
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: escondida on September 22, 2015, 09:18:35 pm
Dear Vampire Mayor:
If you hadn't eaten all the engravers, jewellers, and metalcrafters, we would have better rooms and furniture for you to enjoy. As it is, you have brought this down upon yourself. So stop whinging.
Dear Overseer Thisfox,
Cordial greetings to you, and thank you for your thoughtful letter. In response, let me just say BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! So as I believe I've made clear in my point-by-point response, the actions I took were completely justfied in context.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McVampire-Mayor
Post by: pisskop on September 22, 2015, 09:37:48 pm
Post by: escondida on September 22, 2015, 09:38:46 pm
Would you please explain to me why you've seen fit to store several bags of seeds in the dyer's shop rather than in the spacious seeds stockpile? How did you even get the bags there? The only bags that can possibly used in dyer's shop jobs are milled plant (dye) bags. Congratulations; you've managed to really puzzle me.
Yours in bafflement,
escondida
Post by: Thisfox on September 23, 2015, 02:46:17 pm
Dear Vampire Mayor:
If you hadn't eaten all the engravers, jewellers, and metalcrafters, we would have better rooms and furniture for you to enjoy. As it is, you have brought this down upon yourself. So stop whinging.
Dear Overseer Thisfox,
Cordial greetings to you, and thank you for your thoughtful letter. In response, let me just say BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! So as I believe I've made clear in my point-by-point response, the actions I took were completely justfied in context.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McVampire-Mayor
Dear Urist McVampire-Mayor:
Please enjoy the assorted barrels of blood we had delivered by merchants last quarter, as a negotiation to your demands for a better office and dining room. In fact, I figure barrels of blood in the dining room of a vampire is remarkably appropriate. I just wish you'd eat them instead of our talented craftsdorfs...
On a related note, I think we'll lock the doors on your dining room when you next go in, as one of our migrants was a metalcrafter, and I've been looking forward to regaining the ability to goldplate all the furniture.
Yours, Thisfox.
What do vampires practically get out of drinking blood, anywho?
I believe it is an ability to bite werebeasts to death (yep, I've had a vampire do that, but to be fair, I once had a non-vampire female cook do that when the werebeast killed her kid, so it depends on the dorf really), to not eat or drink anything, nor sleep, and eventually the ability to run down from lack of alcohol. Poor bastard. Just wish the damn vampires could be held off with the barrels of blood you can get from the merchants, that would be awesome. Still, once I wall this bloke in, he can be my eternal bookkeeper, and my fort will never die, so there are advantages.
Post by: dillonsup on September 23, 2015, 11:58:47 pm
Please don't take breaks when Dwarves need to have something to drink
Post by: GiantCaveMushroom on September 24, 2015, 01:37:30 am
Stop suspending your work because the water level in your place reaches 2/7. The express purpose of the new flooring is to remove the flood by burying the water with the blocks you are tasked with. There have been dozens of reports of dwarves suspending work due to water. Just kick the water away if they're in way!
Any further transgressions will be considered a conspiracy to slow labor, which will enter the fort's permanent records.
P.S to Thob the miner: Get rid of your shoes, they're getting in the way of construction!
Post by: escondida on September 24, 2015, 10:52:11 pm
Dear Urist McBrewer
Please don't take breaks when Dwarves need to have something to drink
Dear Overseer McDillonsup,
[snip needlessly snarky response. tl;dr: brewing isn't a skilled labor]
Post by: escondida on September 27, 2015, 11:09:14 pm
Tell your [edit]clown[/edit] master to stop sending squads of pathetic losers to die throwing themselves against the walls of Dwarvenkind's greatest bastion. If he wants dwarf blood, he can come and get it himeself.
Dear Muthe Iseboot or whatever your needlessly tall human name is,
I thought the little war I started ten years ago ended, like, ten years ago. Why are you suddenly attacking me again? Legends mode sheds no light on the subject, and every other battle in this war of yours has ended either in (a) your attacking a dwarven fortress and the dwarves killing your leader and only your leader, and your forces retreating; or (b) your attacking my fortress, Lanterngroove, and having all of your soldiers slaughtered. Listen, my queen lives here at Lanterngroove. Maybe next time you could send a diplomat so we could get back to you sending me caravans and me buying a handful of raw materials in exchange for your hauling off all my garbage? Thanks.
Post by: Lossmar on October 04, 2015, 12:45:14 pm
Stop complaining about miasma from the dead horse inside you dining room.
I have designated the dump zone FOUR FUCKING WEEKS AGO and despite shitload of you idling aroun NO ONE CARES TO MOVE THIS SHIT!!
You are the only one to blame for that.
Regards - you very pissed off overseer.
Post by: Nyxalinth on October 22, 2015, 09:37:16 pm
Dear Urist McFuckface.
Stop complaining about miasma from the dead horse inside you dining room.
I have designated the dump zone FOUR FUCKING WEEKS AGO and despite shitload of you idling aroun NO ONE CARES TO MOVE THIS SHIT!!
You are the only one to blame for that.
Regards - you very pissed off overseer.
This post started off with dorfs resolutely refusing to bury a stinky corpse. Now it has come full circle.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on October 22, 2015, 09:46:34 pm
Why did you think it was a good idea to send 6 CHILDREN, and ONLY 6 CHILDREN to a fortress started literally 6 months ago. HOW WILL 6 USELESS CHILDREN HELP US OUT IN ANY WAY!? Also, DO YOU REALISE WHAT DANGERS ARE IN A 2 WEEK JOURNEY FOR 6 KIDS!?
-Your very important source of useless junk.
Post by: PyroTechno on October 22, 2015, 09:56:19 pm
Dear Urist McWhoeverisinchargeofsendingmigrants,
Why did you think it was a good idea to send 6 CHILDREN, and ONLY 6 CHILDREN to a fortress started literally 6 months ago. HOW WILL 6 USELESS CHILDREN HELP US OUT IN ANY WAY!? Also, DO YOU REALISE WHAT DANGERS ARE IN A 2 WEEK JOURNEY FOR 6 KIDS!?
-Your very important source of useless junk.
Maybe their parents died en route?
Post by: origamiscienceguy on October 22, 2015, 10:00:24 pm
Post by: FortunaDraken on October 23, 2015, 04:30:53 am
Stop job cancel spamming you idiot. There is literally a stockpile of coke THAT YOU WERE TAKING FROM TWO SECONDS AGO right nearby. You can do that job, so do it :| I do not want to go through the stupid stockpile giving to workshops thing because then I'm going to have to give to all the smelters, who will then want the ore stockpile, which means the masons get stupid, and after assigning them they won't go get the stone they need...
So please. Do. Your. Job.
Signed Fort Overseer who doesn't stockpile well
Post by: 99Hedgehog on October 23, 2015, 04:37:44 am
I designated that farm plot months ago.
Sincerely;
Spooky Omnipresent Guiding Force
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 23, 2015, 05:09:08 am
Post by: cochramd on October 23, 2015, 01:40:55 pm
You seem to understand that when I tell you to train a wild animal or train something for war or hunting, I mean RIGHT BLOODY NOW. That is good. However, this understanding does not seem to apply to already trained infants, and that is quite upsetting. I've learned to be merely annoyed or frustrated by things of this caliber, but as I see it, putting off the training of baby creatures make less sense than doing so for adult creatures, and that bumps it up to 'upsetting'. After all, an adult you know you'll just have to train again later, but an infant? Train it now, and you'll never have to train it again! Well, there's war and hunting training, but you know what I'm getting at. And just in case you don't, here it is: if you wait too long to train an infant, it will grow up and you be stuck training it over and over again for the rest of its life instead of just training it once, twice if it needs war or hunting training. Oh, and then you'll have to train all its children if it's a female. And on top of all that, I will be displeased because I will have a trained animal where I could have a tame one instead. And as valuable as you are, there are plenty of ways I can make your life miserable without any loss of productivity.....now get back to work. Those giant bats only take one year to reach adulthood!
Post by: Raikaria on October 25, 2015, 10:35:23 am
I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.
So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?
===
Dear Urist Mc Baby
Why are you in my Turkey Farm? Why are you starving and dehydrated? Why is your mother not picking you up? Why are you dead? One Dwarf has died so far and that was a winer to a cave crocodile. Said miner did not have children; and he died about 25 Z-levels down from where you are.
===
Dear Urist Mc War Dog
Oh wow; you are vicious. I merely stationed you there to scare off Gremlins and as bait for crocodiles, and instead you burst out of your assigned area and maul two Troglodytes to death, while a crocodile sees you, and ignores you and the gremlins clearly thinking 'i want none of this' and promptly walks into a cage trap.
Well done. Tell me who trained you so I can give them a promotion.
Now excuse me while I set your pasture a bit futher back... out of line of sight of useful animals you may savage before they reach the cages, and so you do not cause 'terrified' cancellations from my Dwarves seeing the Troglodyte corpses.
Post by: Eric Blank on October 26, 2015, 05:27:47 am
Dear Urist Mc Animal Trainers:
I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.
So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?
Sounds like they trained it really well, in tormenting their grudges.
Post by: endlessblaze on October 26, 2015, 08:07:09 am
Dear Urist Mc Animal Trainers:
I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.
So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?
Sounds like they trained it really well, in tormenting their grudges.
Was it pastured in a training zone?
Post by: Torrenal on November 07, 2015, 10:11:43 pm
Great job hitting the Werecoati with two of your three fired bolts. I know, he was a scrawny lill bugger, still, you would have fared better if you didn't decide to stand on top of him when trying to make your fourth shot. Your next of kin have been duly notified about your brave defence and your new residence in our freshly dug crypts.
Dear Urist ForgotYourMapNCompass,
Great job finding your way to the location of the Werecoati with the rest of your squad. Great initiative, despite being wounded, in firing parting shots after the beast after it reverted to a Human. A few minor points, while you did find your way to the battle, your first effort got you to the exact spot of the fight + 1 z level - you somehow made your way to the battlements and not the main entryway. Had you arrived at the main entry with the rest of the squad, your bolt to its heart may have landed sooner, and may have been joined by more well aimed bolts. Sadly, your late arival to the fight got you there after the other members of your squad were all dead, something you no doubt realized as the werecoati to was shaking you around by your back teeth.
While I am impressed at your quick return to duty despite being dropped from the military and being given no medical treatment... were the efforts to wall you in on your hospital bed of any concern? Those walls were meant for your protection. Would have been a severe mental shock for you to wake after a full moon with dead dwarves on all sides. I saw you standing there for a few days with 'No Job'. Did you find yourself unable to locate that lever in an isolated room? The one with 'pull right now' orders on it, and a memo for just you to pull it? Yeah, that's why we drafted you again to guard the lever, since you were unable to find it quickly enough on your own initative. Please enjoy your stay in your new quarters for the full moon
PS: Please, the army is no place for an infant. We take no responsibility for what might happen to it in two days time.
Dear Ursit WallsAlot
I know, I've asked a lot of you since the fort was started. Walls around the trading depot and main entrance. And an entire constructed level above that of battlements, with roof. Remember when I asked you to wall in the sole survivor of the were attack? Yeah, that was a tiny bit more urgent than any other wall you built. Do not go two full weeks failing to place a wall, we only *just managed to get you to build that a mere two days before the full moon.
Exasperated
your Overseer
your Overseer
Post by: austinwelser on November 08, 2015, 12:20:40 pm
While I am happy that you decided to provide my fortress with additional labour, maybe you could send more men and women instead of hordes of children?
sincerely,
A desperate overseer.
P.S. any more shipments of children will all be subjected to the ten trials of crushing weight just as the past ones have.
Post by: crazyabe on November 08, 2015, 05:29:34 pm
Get to back to work digging out housing or I will drop you into the noble 'pit'.
Signed: The Overseer
Post by: Torrenal on November 09, 2015, 01:54:09 am
I'll dig out yer residental zone out soon as I feel good n' ready, unless you happen to think it's urgent and flag it a priority 1 dig. Then, I might bump move it ahead of things like navel contemplation, statue gazing, and arm wrestling contests. Otherwise I'll dig it out when I feel like it. We're dwarves, born of the mountain and home both under and on the earth. A lil dirt nap ain't gunna kill any of us.
Signed: Urist Mc-Miner
Post by: crazyabe on November 09, 2015, 12:03:59 pm
I set it to priority One Last year, Now all you do is haul your useless ass around eating and partying, Keep this up and you'l get to see Urist Mc-Vampire-Barron again, He went splat, Now back to work!
Signed: The Overseer
Post by: DrunkGamer on November 09, 2015, 06:01:05 pm
I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.
IT'S
YOUR
OWN
FAULT
YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.
Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer
Post by: steel jackal on November 10, 2015, 02:42:43 pm
stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death
sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel
Post by: TheFlame52 on November 10, 2015, 02:55:18 pm
Dear Urist
I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.
IT'S
YOUR
OWN
FAULT
YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.
Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer
Dear McOverseer
How do ye expect me ta dig oot the ramp withoot me bein' next to et? Ah cannae lay on the groun' and just swing me pick oot o'er the edge, now can ah? Now let me dig meself oot!
Sincerely, Urist McMiner
dear peasant haulersDear Jackal
stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death
sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel
We're tryin' ta save time by takin' a shortcut! Mayhaps if ye'd use traffic designashins tae tell us not tae go that way, we wouldn't be in this pridikamint!
Sincerely, Urist McHauler
Post by: PyroTechno on November 10, 2015, 08:28:09 pm
Dear Urist
I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.
IT'S
YOUR
OWN
FAULT
YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.
Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer
Dear McOverseer
How do ye expect me ta dig oot the ramp withoot me bein' next to et? Ah cannae lay on the groun' and just swing me pick oot o'er the edge, now can ah? Now let me dig meself oot!
Sincerely, Urist McMinerdear peasant haulersDear Jackal
stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death
sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel
We're tryin' ta save time by takin' a shortcut! Mayhaps if ye'd use traffic designashins tae tell us not tae go that way, we wouldn't be in this pridikamint!
Sincerely, Urist McHauler
There is a solution to both of these problems.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 14, 2015, 01:16:25 pm
You idiot.
You utter idiot.
So, the animal trainers are lazy and don't train our resident monstrous spider. That's okay! We'll just bring him back to his pen. He's reverted to his wild state? No problem, we've got cage traps. So he pushes open the door (which somebody left ajar) and walks straight into a cage trap. Everything's fine.
Until you decide that since he's still technically assigned to the pasture, you should open the carping cage with a carping monster inside and bring it back to its pasture. You then stay in the carping room with the carping killing machine. What the carping carp, you carping carp-carp. You didn't even close the door as you ran out! Next time, I'm not saving you if you die.
Yours truly,
Manager Amidalath
Edit: removed a carp-ton of carp-words.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 14, 2015, 01:22:03 pm
Post by: noirscape on November 14, 2015, 01:32:01 pm
There is a solution to both of these problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh wow. Where did you get that from? Did you made it just for this thread or did you find it somewhere?
Post by: PyroTechno on November 14, 2015, 11:17:29 pm
There is a solution to both of these problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh wow. Where did you get that from? Did you made it just for this thread or did you find it somewhere?
I found it on Google.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 14, 2015, 11:22:39 pm
Post by: austinwelser on November 15, 2015, 11:13:53 pm
While I am happy you decided to celebrate the death of our supply of nobles wit a party, could you have waited until AFTER the caravan left? we have rooms filled to the brim with trade goods and they have valuable wood that we need. Get to work or I shall deem that you are actually all nobles in disguise.
Sincerely,
Your tantruming overseer
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 16, 2015, 11:57:24 am
Dear UristMcpartydorfs
While I am happy you decided to celebrate the death of our supply of nobles wit a party, could you have waited until AFTER the caravan left? we have rooms filled to the brim with trade goods and they have valuable wood that we need. Get to work or I shall deem that you are actually all nobles in disguise.
Sincerely,
Your tantruming overseer
Valuable. Wood. Two words that are completely opposite in meaning. what the carp?
Post by: PyroTechno on November 16, 2015, 11:59:15 am
Dear UristMcpartydorfs
While I am happy you decided to celebrate the death of our supply of nobles wit a party, could you have waited until AFTER the caravan left? we have rooms filled to the brim with trade goods and they have valuable wood that we need. Get to work or I shall deem that you are actually all nobles in disguise.
Sincerely,
Your tantruming overseer
Valuable. Wood. Two words that are completely opposite in meaning. what the carp?
It can be used for a variety of cheap and simple crafting tasks, and is excellent for pissing off elves.
Post by: cochramd on November 16, 2015, 12:06:33 pm
It can be used for a variety of cheap and simple crafting tasks, and is excellent for pissing off elves.And more importantly, creating lightweight storage units and hauling devices. But hey, Urist, if you want to spend the rest of your miserable life hauling around lead bins, lead barrels and lead and cinnabar large pots in lead wheelbarrows and lead minecarts, crying yourself to sleep at night because hauling doesn't train strength anymore, THEN BE MY BLOODY GUEST.
Post by: cochramd on November 16, 2015, 12:11:02 pm
Post by: Urist McRas on November 16, 2015, 12:13:30 pm
I understand that in my land you expect some level of protection from me. But you have to undersand me too: this outpost was established only several months ago and we don't have much of a mlitary. Actually we don't have a single weapon except picks and a training axe. I was pretty sure you understood it because you had brought five metal-armored and armed guards with you.
I also undersand you may encounter something so dangerous that you have to abandon a busyness opportunity and run for your life. Now, tell me, why do you consider A PARROT one of those dangerous things? One little bird, not even a flock!
It was really brave of you not to run immediately but to take your time and load back all unloaded goods. Have you noticed that the parrot was killed during the packing? Still too scared to trade, you cissy? Okay, see you next year. You are lucky that I need you, as we are low on metals.
Sincerely, overseer of the Nishestun outpost.
Post by: Henry47 on November 17, 2015, 07:46:25 am
Could you please stop digging with the excuse "warm stone located" or "damp stone located". I know those stones are next to rivers or the magma sea, but i am not breaching into them, you will be perfectly safe. It is really really annoying to have to constantly redesignate digging designations whenever i am mining a room above the magma sea or a tunnel under a river.
Kind Regards, the overseer of Mountainhome Zulbanrodum "Bannerbowels"
Post by: PyroTechno on November 17, 2015, 12:54:50 pm
Dear Miners
Could you please stop digging with the excuse "warm stone located" or "damp stone located". I know those stones are next to rivers or the magma sea, but i am not breaching into them, you will be perfectly safe. It is really really annoying to have to constantly redesignate digging designations whenever i am mining a room above the magma sea or a tunnel under a river.
Kind Regards, the overseer of Mountainhome Zulbanrodum "Bannerbowels"
Dear Overseer
Well, excuse us for not having access to that magic all-seeing map thing that you keep locked in your office!
Sincerely, Urist McMiner, who can and will murder you for strange mood components later
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 17, 2015, 02:50:27 pm
Post by: cochramd on November 17, 2015, 03:48:07 pm
Do you live in a desert or what? There's wood two feet out the door where I play.There were trees right outside my fort too. Key emphasis on the past tense there.
Post by: Torrenal on November 18, 2015, 12:27:14 am
In reviewing your tallies after a dwarf took to a strange mood, I noticed we had 29301 small animals in stock.
I admire your dedication to keeping accurate tallies of all things, you have every single bee counted.
That's just... wow.
Your amused overseer.
Post by: Pseudo on November 18, 2015, 03:45:52 pm
How would I keep track of how the bee population would change over time if I didn't know how many there were to start with? You did tell me to tally everything, after all...
Urist Bookkeeper
Post by: Linkxsc on November 19, 2015, 02:55:31 am
I understand you love your axe and all, and take pride in your "uniform". But when a thief runs into the fort, and you are told to grab any weapon and get to the gate to catch him. Could you just use the axe you already have, rather than dropping it to run downstairs and grab another one?
Dear Urist Bookkeeper
In reviewing your tallies after a dwarf took to a strange mood, I noticed we had 29301 small animals in stock.
I admire your dedication to keeping accurate tallies of all things, you have every single bee counted.
That's just... wow.
Your amused overseer.
I remember the first time i tried out beekeeping. Didnt look at stocks until i had like 50 of the things full and ready to split, then I was like. "The hell do I have 400,000 of... bees?"
Post by: LordPorkins on November 20, 2015, 03:06:55 pm
I know you admire dragons for their terrible majesty, but that doesnt mean the dragon likes you back.
Sincerely
Your All-Knowing Ruler
Post by: Prop42 on November 24, 2015, 11:15:08 am
Use a wheelbarrow to haul the stone, you masochistic fuck. We have 20 of them already, not being used, and you're insisting on hauling each individual pebble down 15 flights of stairs, and then complaining about it. Stop it. Its annoying.
Sincerely, your tired and annoyed overseer who is getting tired of your shit.
Post by: LordPorkins on November 24, 2015, 01:50:12 pm
Why is it the one time you actually decide to freakin help people its the time when the people in question are stuck in spiders nests slowly dying of poison?
Sincerely
Your Boss
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 25, 2015, 01:41:24 pm
I liek pusheng beeeeg bulders.
Dear Overseer McLordPorkins
Is that not the best time to help dwarves? Would you have had me just let them die there?! Of course I saved them!
Post by: Huntthetroll on November 25, 2015, 04:01:20 pm
I salute your incredible bravery in sacrificing yourselves to protect the fort from the depredations of the undead. However, you would not need to sacrifice yourselves so often if you bothered to wear the armor that I ordered the armorsmith to make for you. When you go to fight zombie horses without wearing so much as a metal helm, you might as well be signing your own death certificate.
Yours truly,
The unseen force that guides you always
Post by: Dunamisdeos on November 28, 2015, 05:22:59 pm
Post by: Huntthetroll on November 28, 2015, 08:23:15 pm
You should change their uniforms to "replace clothing".
Done. It worked splendidly.
Post by: sculleywr on November 28, 2015, 10:51:35 pm
As my fort is only just starting up, I have no practical use for a dyer. However, I have given very specific instructions that you should begin smoothing the rooms that we are converting the old ore veins into for our new residents. However, you still go about complaining that you have no job to do. Get to work before I take the chisel I gave you and shove it up your rear.
(Seriously, I can't figure out what's missing. It's set up properly. Has something changed in the new DF version?)
Post by: Amperzand on November 30, 2015, 02:46:52 am
Please, for the love of Armok, harvest the fields. I realize most of you began life as skilled professionals, but that's no reason to starve the entire fort.
Post by: MobRules on November 30, 2015, 07:44:22 am
Dear Miners
Could you please stop digging with the excuse "warm stone located" or "damp stone located". I know those stones are next to rivers or the magma sea, but i am not breaching into them, you will be perfectly safe. It is really really annoying to have to constantly redesignate digging designations whenever i am mining a room above the magma sea or a tunnel under a river.
Kind Regards, the overseer of Mountainhome Zulbanrodum "Bannerbowels"
Dear Overseer
Well, excuse us for not having access to that magic all-seeing map thing that you keep locked in your office!
Sincerely, Urist McMiner, who can and will murder you for strange mood components later
Additionally: We'll be happy to ignore the warm-damp warnings when channeling away stone from above, even without access to your all-seeing map.
Post by: sculleywr on November 30, 2015, 09:26:14 am
I regret to inform you that this is not a modded version of the world. I have not, in my all-seeing power and wisdom, seen fit to imbue dwarves with the ability to fly. So please, Urist, could you explain to me why you apparently decided to enter the map of the most recent fortress by method of catapult? It is with great anticipation that I await the combat report which is soon to follow, as you are now some 10 stories above the ground. I hope you enjoy your short, but momentous visit to Bluntguilt.
Without magma (because you created your own FUN for me),
Armok
Post by: LordPorkins on November 30, 2015, 10:17:52 am
I know that your best friend is important to you, but why do you only care about him when hes dead? Hes spent the last 2 years wothout any limbs and you never visited once! Then a goblin gets him and you start trying to strangle children!
Post by: sculleywr on December 01, 2015, 01:05:07 pm
Thank you for dispatching the dwarves you bit without leaving them alive. I am curious, however, about your choice for weaponry in the second half of the combat reports which have found their way to my desk. I am not accustomed to werebeasts using weapons in combat, but you have unwittingly chosen to attack my dwarves with a pair of sheep wool trousers.
Please ignore the shiny warhammers which are intended for your head. It would be nice to get some training for my troops. However, because you were not spotted, for some reason, until you were already halfway through my complex, despite the massive number of war dogs positioned directly at the entrance, my crossbowmen are unable to grant you a distant dispatch.
I guess it may be time to draw up plans for a new fortress...
(I'm actually going to stick around for the show, but this may turn into a werebeast fortress o.o)
Edit: It appears that iron warhammers are extremely effective against werebeasts. I was producing them en masse because I have a crap ton of magnetite and no flux stone to speak of, and war hammers are selling at 300% value, so good training for my weaponsmith and great money. However, due to the death of my miners and the massive supply of rooms and ore, I'm halting the mining operations until I can assign a new miner, because I need to shore up what I have.
Post by: austinwelser on December 01, 2015, 09:00:58 pm
Holy shit. Not only do you manage to completely destroy the FB cyclops, you all managed to do it without any sort of injury.
I can honestly say that I am totally taken by surprise at this.
Sincerely,
A very astonished overseer.
Post by: Wheeljack on December 01, 2015, 09:11:22 pm
You keep worshipping but still complain you haven't been able to worship. I gave your gods each a temple of their own. With their own statue and nice containers to put whatever the heck you need them for.
Then I made you a huge temple and you were still complaining.
Stop pretending to worship and actually worship already before I tear it all down.
Sincerely,
An explosive happy overseer that doesn't mind nuking the world just because she can
Post by: Romeofalling on December 03, 2015, 02:51:36 pm
Please find attached a commendation medal for your recent bravery. While my hastily assembled militia squad immediately retreated from the kobold menacing our recently built fort, claiming the need to "pick up some equipment" before dealing with the vandal, you leapt unhesitatingly into the fray.
Not only did you manage to keep the intruder from sneaking around you to the entrance, which was all I was really expecting, honestly, you managed to actually overcome the foe. For this, sir, you are to be commended.
I have been told, repeatedly (by onlooker first and afterward by myself) about how after gut-punching the kobold hard enough to knock him unconscious, you then grabbed him by the tongue and repeatedly punched him in the face until he died.
Sincerely,
Your grateful overlord
PS - Please be sure to arrive at rollcall early. You have, of course, been drafted.
Post by: MobRules on December 10, 2015, 08:02:47 pm
Congratulations on winning the election just two months after arriving! No, I don't mind. Being mayor, baroness, and broker all at once is rather exhausting; I'm just as glad to offload some of the responsibility onto you!
However, there is an issue that must be addressed. You won the election just as a trade caravan arrived, and immediately tried to ban the export of barrels, (and by extension, anything stored in barrels.)
Being as you are newly arrived, you might not realize that a good part of our trade economy is based on excess dwarven wine, prepared meals, and raw fish. I'm terribly sorry to be forced to override your very first edict, but really, do you really think you were being reasonable?
I'll admit, that a newcomer being elected mayor so quickly, and immediately giving such an unreasonable demand led me to -- I hope you will forgive me, one can't be too safe -- check into your background a bit. My worry deepened when nobody seemed to have any connection to you or any idea who you are, and that you seemed to tell everyone you talked to a different story about where you are from. I was quite relieved to hear about your most dwarfly drunken antics in the public tavern.
I also learned that you are a bard, and have been dissatisfied at a lack of opportunities to practice your craft. To soften the blow of having given (as Baroness) myself (as Broker) permission to ignore your barrel edict, I've arranged the opportunity for you to play regularly at the citizens-only legendary dining-hall-tavern. Not nearly so much competition for floor space as there is upstairs in the public tavern where the visiting bards are allowed!
I hope that we are able to start our relationship off on the right foot.
Sincerley,
Baroness Broker Reg Ningfath Burnsack of Urnclobbers
Post by: LordPorkins on December 10, 2015, 10:04:35 pm
Now, i know that you are as pumped about the new update as i am, but i do have some gripes with you. First off, i have been informed that you are skille din the art of music. While this is good, the fort only has 8 inhabitants. We dont need entertainers. Also, i know i accidentally designated the wagon as a temple, but i already have decreed that the horses are not, in fact, gods. However, you have a peculiar habit of running to the wagon on random intervals and bursting into song. Frankly, this is quite frightening to the others,and when i put you on guard duty you immediately abandoned your post to sing tales of the mighty Wagon. Please at least try to maintain some effort at sanity.
Sincerely
Urist McBoss
Post by: Iapetus on December 12, 2015, 04:30:24 pm
Kogan: That's right - I absolutely detest them.
Me: Right. So why, when I comissioned you to make me five copper statues, did you make them all of slugs?
Kogan: ...
Post by: AzyWng on December 12, 2015, 04:59:59 pm
Could you please make sure to actually eat the food that is cooked, instead of simply taking the raw plants?
I know there's so many more plant barrels than prepared food barrels, but that is simply no excuse.
If you're going to complain about the lack of decent meals, my chef is preparing MASTERPIECES! EAT THOSE!
Enjoy your meals,
Urist McOverseer
Post by: flyteofheart on December 12, 2015, 06:22:27 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 12, 2015, 10:03:15 pm
Well, you didn't tell us to stay inside, and how were WE supposed to know it was the rain?
We can't look up!
Sincerely,
Urist.
((Burrows?))
Post by: endlessblaze on December 13, 2015, 09:53:07 am
why are your ponderings always purple and never seem to satisfy you? and why are you not writing?
dear scribe
I guess we have nothing for you to copy right now....can you go slap some sense into the scholars?
Post by: MobRules on December 13, 2015, 12:43:16 pm
Note to Overseer Flyteofheart:
Well, you didn't tell us to stay inside, and how were WE supposed to know it was the rain?
We can't look up!
Sincerely,
Urist.
((Burrows?))
A civilian military alert is helpful in this situation (they aren't just for sieges!)
Post by: Admiral Obvious on December 14, 2015, 07:09:27 pm
That is indeed an impressive haul of grapes you are bringing in. Would you be so kind to explain why you feel the need to store a single grape per tile? I realize we are low on bags at the moment, but you also seem to be storing entire stacks of strawberry PLANTS, not the fruit, in stacks of 5 without bags...
Fortunately we have enough space for this, but until we get bags, you are restricted to a single grape per meal. Maybe then you will learn something.
Your amused, and annoyed overseer.
Post by: Klitri on December 14, 2015, 09:16:09 pm
I understand that this world is brutal and unforgiving, however, it is because of that fact that you should be LESS scared of a certain flying green bird commonly referred to as a "Kea."
It's a fucking parrot
PARROT.
PARROT NOT A FUCKING MONSTER.
Finish ALL the tasks you've been told to and then report to A.T.O.M.S.M.A.S.H.E.R room #4, as the other three are currently closed for cleanup.
Thank you.
With kindest regards, Your Overseer.
Post by: Amperzand on December 14, 2015, 11:44:55 pm
'Ave you seen what a flock o' them "Kea" things can do to a dwarf, Lord? Them monsters can rend flesh from bone in minutes, and they steal things left an' right. Ya need to purge the godsdamned things before they breed!
Sincerely, Urist.
Post by: Solon64 on December 15, 2015, 12:34:34 am
Dear Overseer;
'Ave you seen what a flock o' them "Kea" things can do to a dwarf, Lord? Them monsters can rend flesh from bone in minutes, and they steal things left an' right. Ya need to purge the godsdamned things before they breed!
Sincerely, Urist/
RE: keas
Dear Urist, i have already communed with Armok to eliminate all keas from this universe. If the particular reality you exist in still has them, i suggest you make an offering to Armok and your god of war, then grab your kitten leather cap and wooden training hatchet and get to purging them yourself. As overseer, i cant be arsed to deal with the vermin avian creatures of my own universe, much less a different one.
Post by: RunawayCactus on December 15, 2015, 02:13:20 pm
It is not a good time to pick strawberries when there are over 100 invaders at our doorstep. Come inside or I am raising the bridge.
Signed,
God-Commander RunawayCactus
Post by: EuphoriaToRegret on December 16, 2015, 09:34:48 am
We're low on food and there are deer right outside our doorstep.
Please hunt so the entire fort doesn't starve because of you.
XOXO,
Your Helpful Apparition.
Post by: klefenz on December 16, 2015, 10:14:46 am
there are over 100 invaders at our doorstep.
Meanwhile I can hardly get a meager squad of goblin weaklings to quench the thirst of my axes.
Post by: Iapetus on December 16, 2015, 03:38:56 pm
Supposedly, you "have a negative view of those who exercise power over others".
Why, then, did you declare yourself Queen, and now continually insist we make you more animal traps and large gems?
Also, sentancing a visiting human scholar to jail time for failing to meet a production order for the aforsaid large gems was just cruel. Amusing, but cruel.
Post by: Squill on December 16, 2015, 10:33:25 pm
This is my first fortress in several months and I would really like some menial laborers. Why exactly did you see fit to bring FIVE GODDAMN CHILDREN and two adults to a fortress of unknown safety?
Edit: oops
Post by: HiddenEyes056 on December 17, 2015, 06:35:24 am
No, the drunks are not injured. Just drunk. Please stop hauling everyone who's had a drink or two too many directly to the hospital. The first thing they all do the moment you dunk them into that cozy wooden bed is run off and get another drink. You aren't helping anyone, even if you feel good about it.
Signed,
The Only Thing Keeping You Alive
EDIT: Literal seconds after posting this, aforementioned rescuer was attacked by a giant cave spider, who suplexed him into the caverns.
DOUBLE EDIT: Literal seconds after editing this, the rescuer climbed up the wall and returned the suplex, instantly killing the spider.
Post by: klefenz on December 17, 2015, 02:01:52 pm
DOUBLE EDIT: Literal seconds after editing this, the rescuer climbed up the wall and returned the suplex, instantly killing the spider.
I think he is actually the bouncer of the tavern.
Post by: Aseaheru on December 23, 2015, 08:34:01 am
Why the hell did you lot go grab those chunks of ore instead of build that wall one tile past it inorder to stop the encroaching water? Or those walls? Or those doors? Well, thanks everyone, we just lost our main farms and most of the metals we found in this fort thanks to you lot. And most of our seeds.
Post by: Kuschelflummi on December 23, 2015, 08:51:39 am
When I give you a order to kill the bunch of goblins, could you please do this with full manpower so that I don't have to witness how one dwarf and one human die a honourable death while defeating ten goblins!
sincerely
your beloved goddess (of cats)
Post by: krg on December 23, 2015, 09:08:05 am
I have a slight issue with your tendency to grab my dwarves and make them produce some snazzy item. (http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Finished_goods#Crafts) My problem is not that you cause the production of these things. Instead, it lies in the fact that you seem to make the dwarf claim a shop that is nowhere near the goods that they wish to gather. I currently have three craftdwarf shops so why did you have to grab the one near the stone, then send the poor dwarf after bones? Although, maybe in your infinite wisdom you are actually being kind to me by making it so that the bone carver can continue to work without interruption. Or just possibly, you are being kind to me after my last letter to you. Not wishing to jinx anything but, thank you on the notable lack of possessions that you have sent my why. I do so love the fey and secretive moods. Thank you again for them.
By the way, could you do something about what you drive the dwarves to make? I have no need of two legendary stonecrafters, one is more than enough.
Thank you for your consideration,
Krg
Post by: Prop42 on December 23, 2015, 05:26:21 pm
If you've already gone through the trouble of walking halfway across the fortress to your room, sleep in your bed, and don't sleep on the floor next to the bed. If you can't be bothered to take the 5 extra steps to actually lie down, don't complain about the fortresses' lack of beds. We have plenty of fucking beds, use one of them.
Legitimately concerned for your mental health,
Overseer Prop.
EDIT:
Dear Urist McLazyashell,
Once again, you have a fucking bed. You could have walked to the bed. Instead you decided to sleep in the middle of a cavern while trying to gather cave wheat. If you complain about the fact that a giant cave spider ripped off your leg one more fucking time, I'm going to lock the door to the hospital and refuse to let anyone feed you.
Far more angry about this than I should be,
Overseer Prop.
Post by: cochramd on December 24, 2015, 12:15:56 pm
Look, I promise I won't order any new traps built outside next year, but by Armok's bearded balls, STOP THROWING UP AND BUILD AND LOAD THOSE DAMNED TRAPS! It's autumn now, and the goblins will be here in the spring. They'll only bring more of themselves than they did this year, so we need to have more traps waiting for them. Remember how this year they smashed up our graveyard? Let's not have a repeat of that!
Sincerely, The Supervisor
Post by: HiddenEyes056 on December 26, 2015, 02:02:03 am
Dear Urist McLazyashell,
If you've already gone through the trouble of walking halfway across the fortress to your room, sleep in your bed, and don't sleep on the floor next to the bed. If you can't be bothered to take the 5 extra steps to actually lie down, don't complain about the fortresses' lack of beds. We have plenty of fucking beds, use one of them.
Legitimately concerned for your mental health,
Overseer Prop.
EDIT:
Dear Urist McLazyashell,
Once again, you have a fucking bed. You could have walked to the bed. Instead you decided to sleep in the middle of a cavern while trying to gather cave wheat. If you complain about the fact that a giant cave spider ripped off your leg one more fucking time, I'm going to lock the door to the hospital and refuse to let anyone feed you.
Far more angry about this than I should be,
Overseer Prop.
I've had a couple of troubles with beds as of late, and have some advice that might help you.
If any other dwarf is doing something on top of the bed (especially children inexplicably playing make belief on their parent's bed), they will not sleep in it. Also, if they get too tired/walk too far to their bed, they may just give up and nap on the ground.
Might not apply to you, but that's what I know.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 26, 2015, 02:03:18 am
Post by: Sprin on December 26, 2015, 07:12:48 am
Why the fuck did you not go up the stairs for a year?
I needed trees cut, everything was open, and there were designated woodcutters.
Why? Just why?
-Overseer
Post by: Foxite on December 26, 2015, 10:11:21 am
We have a legendary public bedroom, with 50 masterful beds, each of which has been encrusted with gems. The whole room has been engraved, too. And it has been there at least five years before you were even born. So if you INSIST on sleeping outside, in the mud, in the rain, then AT LEAST don't fucking complain about it!
Post by: Prop42 on December 26, 2015, 01:53:33 pm
(words from prop)
I've had a couple of troubles with beds as of late, and have some advice that might help you.
If any other dwarf is doing something on top of the bed (especially children inexplicably playing make belief on their parent's bed), they will not sleep in it. Also, if they get too tired/walk too far to their bed, they may just give up and nap on the ground.
Might not apply to you, but that's what I know.
The funny part is, he walked all the way to their bed, and then just gave up after plodding around their room for a bit. There weren't any children, and there wasn't anything else in the room, he just couldn't deduce how beds worked, and walked around in a circle for 5 minutes.
Post by: Romeofalling on December 26, 2015, 04:25:25 pm
I'm not entirely sure where you're from or what you were expecting our fortress to be, but EIGHT Fisherdwarves? Are we a tourist fishing destination?
(tangent: Actually, that's an interesting design concept.)
Post by: Foxite on December 28, 2015, 05:23:28 am
We just bought a truckload of meat and booze from the dwarven caravan. Dancing, socializing, and meditating is great and all, but making sure that all of our new food doesn't start rotting is more important for now. Please put it in the barrels that were just made.
Dear Urist McMigrantWave,Dear Mr Overseer,
I'm not entirely sure where you're from or what you were expecting our fortress to be, but EIGHT Fisherdwarves? Are we a tourist fishing destination?
(tangent: Actually, that's an interesting design concept.)
Like most o' the migrants, we were told that the river's flowin' with alcohol. It seems it doesn't... but we were all curious 'bout what might live in there.
Post by: PABadger on December 28, 2015, 11:28:57 pm
Did you just milk the cat? :o
Seriously, ordered two creatures milked (via the manager menu) and one of my dwarves grabbed the female cat from the food stockpile, carried her to the farmer's workshop, and then carried her back. No cat milk appears on the stocks screen, though.
I love this game.
Post by: dennislp3 on December 29, 2015, 08:27:44 am
You went missing for two weeks...your overseer was worried by this because he cares....and because the outpost was made in an absurdly thick forest with snakes and other random deadly animals.
I sent the militia to patrol the forest for nearly a month to no avail...I made an empty coffin for you and made a slab which spoke of your disappearance.
Not long after we found your corpse....dehydrated...on the top layers of a tree.
How the fuck did you get up there and why did you not climb down? This is probably one of the most lowly ways to die in all the land as it appears you were trying to be an elf. The only thing you could do to disgrace your name worse would be to siege your brothers with an elven army. I am glad you were a worthless hauler peasant.
Post by: Chaine Maile on December 30, 2015, 12:13:11 am
No idea why they do this. Sleeping on the ground in the rain isn't that bad.
Post by: Prop42 on January 01, 2016, 12:49:51 pm
I understand that it's possible to get severely lost in a tunnel, but we literally just arrived here. We don't have anything for you to be confused about, we haven't even dug anything yet. Case in point, if you're going to stop digging because you couldn't figure out where to walk, please just suspend that specific dig order and don't suddenly completely give up mining forever and never do it for the rest of your life. I don't understand why you've decided that this is the proper course of action, but because of you, the entire fortress is being forced to live above ground, because you are the only miner in this new settlement and you are refusing to dig anything. You have a pickaxe, you have mining experience, you have orders, and you are refusing to do anything.
Thoroughly confused about this entire fucking thing,
Prop.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 01, 2016, 12:53:58 pm
Post by: Torrenal on January 01, 2016, 03:29:08 pm
Why did you let the werebeast in again? Oh, let me review the two reports you sent me...
Urist McLeverPuller cancels Pull Lever: Handling Dangerous Beast
Urist McLeverPuller cancels handle bunny(tame): Animal Inaccessible
I am left to speculate as to why a bunny might be so dangerous as to stop you from pulling the lever to save the fort.
Signed,
Your grumpy overseer.
Your grumpy overseer.
Post by: krg on January 01, 2016, 04:08:06 pm
Dear Urist McLeverPuller
Why did you let the werebeast in again? Oh, let me review the two reports you sent me...
Urist McLeverPuller cancels Pull Lever: Handling Dangerous Beast
Urist McLeverPuller cancels handle bunny(tame): Animal Inaccessible
I am left to speculate as to why a bunny might be so dangerous as to stop you from pulling the lever to save the fort.Signed,
Your grumpy overseer.
Its got sharp teeth and razor claws! Look at the bones!!
(end Monty python)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 01, 2016, 04:57:56 pm
Post by: Torrenal on January 02, 2016, 02:39:04 am
Thank you for pulling the lever in a timely manner.
Thank you also for cleaning it after you noticed the spot of badger blood on it.
Please consider cleaning the badger blood from your shoes. It may save you some future effort.
Signed,
Your overseer
Your overseer
Post by: Staalo on January 02, 2016, 04:38:41 pm
Quote
Edëm Rakustasteb, Mechanic has grown attached to a Prepared Food pot (green glass, large)!
So, Edëm... any comments how this happened? We do need that pot back at the kitchen, you know. Don't be unreasonable!
Post by: jcd on January 03, 2016, 08:58:29 am
i do appreciate that you are concerned about our fort's food-gathering operations, really i do.
But when i give the order to only gather fallen fruit, i actually mean it. Stepladders and climbing are un-dwarvish.
Now jumping, jumping is slightly undwarvish too, you know?
I mean, was there a need to jump from my half-built tower to that apricot tree over there?
Carrying your baby with you?
And then, before i managed to lay the floor to make a path to/from that tree, you jump back?
With the baby and the apricots in hand?
What did you expect? Apricots still work if they get pulped from fall, but babies do not.
Despite all this, eveyone in this fort is treated according to his skills (or lack thereof). Please report in the barracks immediately.
That will be all
Post by: Clockwork621 on January 03, 2016, 05:44:54 pm
Please stop attending a party when there is only one more fucking tile to mine!
Post by: AzyWng on January 04, 2016, 11:07:41 am
Dump the items in question or stop complaining about the smell!
Post by: Lozzymandias on January 06, 2016, 10:30:49 am
The alert was up, the military was on its way. All you had to do was walk 5 steps behind a layer of traps. Hell, you could have just ran screaming the other direction. If you have the good fortune to be reincarnated as a dwarf rather than the pea-brained guinea pig you deserve to be, next time don't train to be a legendary gemcutter before you do something fatally stupid.
Sincerely, the Overseer.
Post by: zman5237 on January 25, 2016, 07:54:10 pm
While it is against the Overseer culture to send apologies to the family of the deceased, I feel the expediency of the failure and death of all 7 of the expedition members would merit some sort of explanation. When we arrived to the location everything seemed to be in order, it was only when we started striking the earth and cutting down trees did we begin to get a downpour of water. At this point everything froze to a halt as water began to pour down on us in waterfall like manner, in confusion I looked up only to see a body of water, several meters thick, resting above our heads. It was then that I realized that our expedition was doomed from the start.
If it is any condolence, I'm sure that the 5 seconds between founding and drowning set some sort of record for outpost failure that will be remembered for generations to come.
With regards,
The Overseer
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 25, 2016, 07:58:24 pm
Post by: Nyxalinth on January 25, 2016, 08:04:09 pm
QuoteEdëm Rakustasteb, Mechanic has grown attached to a Prepared Food pot (green glass, large)!
So, Edëm... any comments how this happened? We do need that pot back at the kitchen, you know. Don't be unreasonable!
Has he ever been drafted, and has possibly used it as a miscellaneous item?
Post by: Staalo on January 26, 2016, 01:57:02 pm
QuoteEdëm Rakustasteb, Mechanic has grown attached to a Prepared Food pot (green glass, large)!
So, Edëm... any comments how this happened? We do need that pot back at the kitchen, you know. Don't be unreasonable!
Has he ever been drafted, and has possibly used it as a miscellaneous item?
That case was a combination of the "will claim a random item of favorite material" bug and wandering into a danger room; she started parrying with it and very quickly leveled up to a Legendary Miner (another bug).
Post by: Dutrius on January 28, 2016, 07:38:11 pm
You had one job. One. Job. And you screwed it up.
You may remember that Dwarven caravan that just left. The one you were supposed to trade with? Yeah, that one.
When a caravan comes, and I tell you to go and trade, I want you to do just that.
Instead, you decided to grab a bit of wood and make a barrel.
After I stopped you from doing that, you decided to haul a plump helmet from the farm to the food stockpile.
After I removed your hauling privileges, you decided to throw a party. Then sleep. Then eat. Then go on break. Then...
Meanwhile, the caravan was getting tired of your complete ineptitude and notified me that they were going to leave.
Since we needed to trade, I stripped you of the title of Broker and gave it to Urist McLyeMaker, who was closest to the depot.
He responded immediately. We traded. If an untrained lye maker can get a simple job done, why can't you?
The only reason you're not being thrown in the volcano is because the migrants want beds.
Now go do your damn job!
- That voice in your head that you ignore a lot.
Post by: tranquilium on January 29, 2016, 08:52:02 am
Dear Urists of Oiledcity,
Why the fuck did you not go up the stairs for a year?
I needed trees cut, everything was open, and there were designated woodcutters.
Why? Just why?
-Overseer
Two possible things (well, three actually)
1. All axes are occupied (unlikely)
2. The tree is designated at the trunk level instead of at the root. Remove the designation and designated it at the root.
3. Wood cutting has a really really low priority (lower than hauling), disable all labors of said wood cutting (including hauling). I like to have my wood cutter trained a bit as a axedwarf and endlessly do two things (cutting trees, just to spite the elves) and gather plants endlessly. (Gather plant has a really high priority, disable it when you want him to cut trees).
Post by: khearn on January 29, 2016, 03:47:34 pm
Post by: Doctor_Whiteface on January 30, 2016, 07:17:35 am
Congratulations, you inspired me to create a magma forge and start the leather industry to supply your fecking Mood. Now I've got a poxy Adamantine Warhammer to show for it. What've you got to say for yourself?
...what's that?
It'll pay for the platinum warhammers we need to outfit the crusher squads, or could alternately make a great weapon for the Hammerer?
Good point. Carry on.
Post by: WackoMcGoose on January 31, 2016, 12:03:29 am
Hey. Remember how I set that one stockpile specifically for trade goods of type "Trap Components - All" and "Prepared Food - All"? Remember how I then disabled said categories on all other stockpiles? Alright. Well, remember how you didn't do that, and thus you had to waste so much time hauling extra bins to the trade depot, and even then, we only had the Prepared Food, worn clothing, and one +Copper Spiked Ball+ (aside to Urist McMetalsmith: get those fucking things out of your workshop so they're trade-depot-designateable next time)? And how I had to spend so much time micromanaging all that, that I forgot to give you guys another squad or five?
And then remember the 50-goblin-plus-five-troll siege that killed 100 of you as a result of the cave-adapted (my fault technically, I never moved the training grounds topside after the first castle walls were done) Mountainous Roses getting their beards ripped off before killing one troll, and how I had to "salvage" it all by unleashing the clowns?
Yeah. If you guys get reincarnated in my next fort, or somehow cross the realms into v.42 and migrate there... get your hauling locations straight, especially when I retroactively-forbid an item subtype in an older stockpile.
Low-frameratedly yours
Post by: NESgamer190 on January 31, 2016, 10:41:19 am
Why must you all have some seriously pain in the rear to make insturments?!? The fact I can't make one instrument from one station alone is a bother enough as it is... the fact I need string hurts too.
Thy bothered overseer,
NESgamer190
Post by: martinuzz on February 11, 2016, 10:23:27 am
Ah well, at least you made a bone throne fitting for a throne room.
Post by: mirrizin on February 11, 2016, 01:58:34 pm
Dear Urist. Did you *really* have to go into a fey mood and become a worthless bonecarver 2 DAYS BEFORE YOUR 12TH BIRTHDAY, WHEN YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SOME PROPER PRIMING?What kinds of bones were thusly employed?
Ah well, at least you made a bone throne fitting for a throne room.
Post by: martinuzz on February 12, 2016, 09:37:57 am
Post by: Rain At Dawn on February 13, 2016, 07:59:50 pm
Please stop attending a party when there is only one more fucking tile to mine!
This. Definitely this.
Post by: Rain At Dawn on February 13, 2016, 08:00:26 pm
While I like seeing a few cute kids running around as much as the next evil overlord, I'm not running a Quiverfull fortress here. Surely you don't need to be popping one out every single year; you already have twelve! I wouldn't need to issue a fiat prohibiting all "recreation time" if you could only show a little restraint.
Seriously considering
The Voice of Moderation
Post by: Corona688 on February 13, 2016, 10:01:05 pm
To the families of the failed SilverRope expedition,There's a a pretty tough record to beat.. considering its also happened with lava.
While it is against the Overseer culture to send apologies to the family of the deceased, I feel the expediency of the failure and death of all 7 of the expedition members would merit some sort of explanation. When we arrived to the location everything seemed to be in order, it was only when we started striking the earth and cutting down trees did we begin to get a downpour of water. At this point everything froze to a halt as water began to pour down on us in waterfall like manner, in confusion I looked up only to see a body of water, several meters thick, resting above our heads. It was then that I realized that our expedition was doomed from the start.
If it is any condolence, I'm sure that the 5 seconds between founding and drowning set some sort of record for outpost failure that will be remembered for generations to come.
With regards,
The Overseer
http://mkv25.net/dfma/movie-701-shortestfortever
Post by: Spinning Fly on February 14, 2016, 08:16:18 am
Dear Urist McMiner,
Please stop attending a party when there is only one more fucking tile to mine!
Somewhat related...
Dear Urist McMiner,
Please stop harvesting plants every single time I ask you to dig ANYTHING. Seriously, you're a fucking LEGENDARY GROWER already, and you haven't planted a single seed in your entire life!
(http://i.imgur.com/vU7KmWw.png)
BTW does anyone else's dwarves have this mysterious harvest addiction? When I set an area to be dug out, at first she'll "accept" and 1 of the tiles will start flashing, she'll start walking there etc. Then the moron will suddenly decide that there's some fucking radish that needs to be pulled out IMMEDIATELY and just wordlessly cancels the mining task and goes off to harvest. It's been a huge pain in the arse, especially when I was digging out some area for magma workshops about 100 z-levels below the farms. She seriously went down about 80 z-levels, then went up to harvest, then went back down and dug 1-2 tiles, went back up to harvest etc.
It seems to only affect some of my dwarves. Of the original seven, excluding the guy who's actually a planter, I have the aforementioned miner at legendary, another miner at competent, a mason/mechanic at proficient, a carpenter at professional and 2 military guys (who were basically peasant haulers for much of the first 2 years) at dabbling and novice (rusty).
All of these dwarves besides the 2 military guys had all hauling and other jobs disabled, so that might have been a factor. However, some of the other early arrivals like a couple of glassmakers and potters also had hauling disabled and are only at dabbling. Plus for this fort I started farming only after the first couple of waves, so the founders didn't have a head start or anything.
I also have about 20 guys who have literally no job but hauling, and another 20 or so medical dwarves and off-duty military who also have hauling enabled, so it's not due to any lack of manpower.
Any ideas on why this might be happening?
Post by: TheFlame52 on February 14, 2016, 09:40:09 am
Post by: Spinning Fly on February 14, 2016, 10:19:14 am
But still, doesn't solve the mystery of why that particular miner was so obsessed with harvesting ???
Post by: Aseaheru on February 14, 2016, 10:23:00 am
Dunno. Almost all my woodcutters wind up deciding that cutting wood is impossible after a year or two, probably for a similar reason.
Post by: Spinning Fly on February 14, 2016, 10:37:39 am
Probably decided it was too much of a walk to mine.
Oh she still mines. Sometimes in the middle of a mining job, she'll randomly decide to go off and pluck a couple potatoes, drop them off at the stockpile, and then continue digging. And then after a while, she does it again -_-. If anything, she thinks mining doesn't involve enough walking
I've honestly never enabled the planting labour on her, and somehow she managed to become a legendary grower just from harvesting. And she did it as a legendary miner, not a hauler or some other jobless sap who hangs around the tavern all the time.
Dunno. Almost all my woodcutters wind up deciding that cutting wood is impossible after a year or two, probably for a similar reason.
I haven't experienced that issue. But then again, my woodcutters usually don't survive more than a year or 2, heroically sacrificing themselves to save the rest of the civilians from the goblins/titans/assorted cavern beasties.
Post by: Aseaheru on February 14, 2016, 11:40:28 am
Post by: mirrizin on February 14, 2016, 07:55:03 pm
All you guys guarding the surface have more than enough iron, and even some steel, to cover your hides.
So why oh why do you insist on stealing the bronze armor I made specifically for the cavern guards? You're really slowing things down, and I hope I don't have to specifically command you to wear steel and iron armor. >:(
Post by: MoonyTheHuman on February 14, 2016, 09:30:57 pm
So, for efficiency's sake, I insist that the squads in charge of guarding the caverns be armed and armored in bronze.Dear mirrizin
All you guys guarding the surface have more than enough iron, and even some steel, to cover your hides.
So why oh why do you insist on stealing the bronze armor I made specifically for the cavern guards? You're really slowing things down, and I hope I don't have to specifically command you to wear steel and iron armor. >:(
Dear
unless you force us to, we were wht ever we ant, its a free fort
From urist
Post by: mirrizin on February 14, 2016, 10:48:02 pm
That's all well and good, but when you see the goblins coming over the hill, could you stand your guard instead of running back to the fort to grab the latest set of boots?So, for efficiency's sake, I insist that the squads in charge of guarding the caverns be armed and armored in bronze.Dear mirrizin
All you guys guarding the surface have more than enough iron, and even some steel, to cover your hides.
So why oh why do you insist on stealing the bronze armor I made specifically for the cavern guards? You're really slowing things down, and I hope I don't have to specifically command you to wear steel and iron armor. >:(
Dear
unless you force us to, we were wht ever we ant, its a free fort
From urist
Post by: Urist_McArathos on February 15, 2016, 01:20:35 am
Stop walking on the ice.
STOP WALKING ON THE FUCKING ICE.
Stop it! It's marked restricted, there's a damned bridge that isn't, STAY OFF THE GODDAMNED ICE.
None of you drunken sods knows how to swim, so for the last Armok-loving time....
STOP. WALKING. ON. THE. ICE!!!
Post by: MobRules on February 15, 2016, 04:07:15 pm
To my overly fecund wee darlings,
While I like seeing a few cute kids running around as much as the next evil overlord, I'm not running a Quiverfull fortress here. Surely you don't need to be popping one out every single year; you already have twelve! I wouldn't need to issue a fiat prohibiting all "recreation time" if you could only show a little restraint.
Seriously consideringsentient geldingFamily Planning centers,
The Voice of Moderation
Have you tried setting the child cap in the init file to something sane?
But still, doesn't solve the mystery of why that particular miner was so obsessed with harvesting ???Have you checked her preferences/personality/etc? She might be more temperamentally disposed to farming than to mining.
Post by: TheFlame52 on February 15, 2016, 04:34:25 pm
But still, doesn't solve the mystery of why that particular miner was so obsessed with harvesting ???Are they the first person on the units list? They're the first person to get a job. And if you have everyone harvesting, then there you go.
Post by: Spinning Fly on February 16, 2016, 07:21:15 am
Have you checked her preferences/personality/etc? She might be more temperamentally disposed to farming than to mining.
I hadn't checked, did so now:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
She seems to value or respect pretty much everything, except that she finds nature somewhat disturbing. All of nature except radishes, I guess.
Are they the first person on the units list? They're the first person to get a job. And if you have everyone harvesting, then there you go.
Yep she's the first on the list. That's it then.
Damn. I was sorta hoping there would be a more interesting explanation for it.
Post by: khearn on February 17, 2016, 11:39:03 pm
Your actions this afternoon in defense of the fortress were commendable. After a marksdwarf shot the approaching bobcat woman, you ran down from your patrol location on the wall and engaged in hand to hand combat, striking her repeatedly with your ≡pear wood shield≡. Even after she gave in to pain, you continued to beat on her with your shield. In fact, the log entries cover over 4 pages of you hitting her unconscious head with your shield. While your enthusiasm is commendable, the next time something like this happens, you might just want to think about using your ≡silver war hammer≡. You know, the one that was strapped to your upper body the entire time you were beating on that bobcat woman with your shield? It might help make things go a bit quicker.
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
Post by: Admiral Obvious on February 17, 2016, 11:44:31 pm
Why is it that ALL of you would rather be socializing in the bar instead of doing the job I assigned you?
UristMcBarKeep died of alcohol poisoning, IN THE SAME ROOM AS ALL OF YOU, and thanks to you we don't have any wood to give him a proper casket, nor are you willing to gather any more.
I am removing the bar, and forbidding all of the contents within until you guys get sober enough to do your jobs...
Sincerely,
Your malevolent overseer.
Post by: Redman the Communist on February 18, 2016, 06:43:17 pm
It has come to my attention that you have been slacking lately, and there are no excuses for this, you sleep on the job, refuse to do work when the job I have specified for you is very high priority, and eat and drink everything. I tried taking away your other activities you for some reason enjoy to do, such as hauling and standing around in the meeting area, yet you refuse to do your job, I've recently begun employing other miners who seem to be much more productive at their new job. If I don't see improvement I'm afraid I'm going to have to "fire" you.
Sincerely, Your
Post by: Williham on February 19, 2016, 01:51:53 pm
Operation Summer Camp exists for the good of the fortress. Participation is mandatory. Further reticence in adhering to the ideals of Operation Summer Camp will result in consequences.
Signed, your glorious leader, Duchess Clinchwonder of Winterhold
Post by: khearn on February 19, 2016, 02:15:57 pm
I've been keeping an eye on you lot for a while now. Every time I check, you all seem to be eating, drinking, or socializing. I almost never see you reciting poetry or playing music, or whatever it is you signed on to do. I'm not paying you to eat, drink, or socialize. I'm paying you to... well, actually, I guess I'm not actually paying you at all, but I'm not providing you with free room and board so you can sit around eating and drinking and socializing. My citizens are quite capable of doing that without you, thank you very much. I'd better start seeing a little more entertaining out of you, or I'm going to have to turn up the heat a bit, if you take my meaning.
Post by: cochramd on February 22, 2016, 04:30:48 pm
What the fuck Urist, how am I supposed to stud him now? Capturing, taming and BREEDING the local wildlife is an key part of our tundra/mountain survival strategy, you know! I've got half a mind to try to bridgeapult you into the volcano, but lucky for you the other half thinks I should keep your around to fight the goblins.
Signed, The Overseer
Post by: Imic on February 23, 2016, 09:17:34 am
GET FOOOOOOOOOD!!!!! Fish! Farm! I don't care! JUST FARM THE FOOOOOOOD!!! There's plenty of it, just stop eating it so that i can brew it! FOOOOOOOHOOOOOHOOOoOooOooooo...
Post by: noirscape on February 24, 2016, 02:35:57 pm
You're lucky you're getting buried. It was your own fault you died, and I'm honestly suprised as to how you pulled it off. You went on to chop down a tree (as a Proficient Woodcutter no less!) and after you chopped it down, you got conked in the head by the logs and bled out immediatley. For now I've assigned two new Woodcuttters. You're not getting a nice burial in the catacombs but instead in the soil wall near my embark. And I walled it off. So there.
Greetings,
ev1l0rd
Dear Urist McNewWoodcutters,
Hello! Welcome to your new job! Exciting is it not? I just enabled the labour on you, and guess what? We've even got the wooden training axes you need to start chopping trees right away. Before you do so though, make sure to read the pamphlet Urist McIsNowDead didn't read. It details how to dodge the logs that you chop down. Also, Urist McWoodcutter #1, your training axe is not in the stockpile where the others are. It has been... dislocated to Urist McIsNowDeads not yet buried body. Don't worry, since we're in a Peaceful biome without any towers nearby he won't reanimate. Just take the axe of his body.
Greetings,
ev1l0rd
Post by: mirrizin on February 24, 2016, 08:19:43 pm
Just step off the block, then start the removal process. Is it so hard?
Apparently. ::)
Post by: MobRules on February 29, 2016, 05:20:54 pm
I decided to check up on your skill level, and was surprised to see that it was not only merely at "adequate", but that it was rusty. How can this be, when you have a dozen war-dogs, a dozen puppies (that will become war dogs) and a Roc(!) assigned to you personally? Animal training has been your primary duty for the past twelve years, with other responsibilities minimized to leave time for your important work.
What gives?
Sincerely,
your ever-frustrated overseer.
Post by: Bumber on March 01, 2016, 07:30:49 am
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer,
Why do you continuously let our trained animals slip all the way back to wild before retraining? There's no way I'm ever letting them out of their cages if you can't get your act together.
-Overseer of Fort Strangelove
Post by: MobRules on March 01, 2016, 10:01:14 am
Post by: pikachu17 on March 01, 2016, 11:37:05 am
why? why??? WHY?!?!?!? WHY COULDN'T YOU GO WITH THE INEXPERIENCED RECRUIT?
BECAUSE YOU LEFT HIM, HE WAS KILLED BY A GIANT MOLE! YOUR MISJUDGEMENT COST HIM HIS LIFE!ONE MORE DEATH ON YOUR HANDS AND YOU WILL GO TO THE "trash compacter of death". DO NOT BELIEVE THAT I WILL NOT DO IT!
SIGNED
your angry overlord
Post by: khearn on March 01, 2016, 12:13:48 pm
Did you ever come down to the barracks and watch that kid spar? That meat was so stupid, He couldn't figure out which end of the spear goes towards the enemy. There's no way I was going into combat next to him, I'd have been in more danger from him than from the enemy. I told you he should have been assigned to the library instead of the military. But did you listen to me?
Your military commander, who prefers not to die from wounds inflicted by his own troops.
Post by: Rince Wind on March 01, 2016, 12:31:47 pm
In related news:
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer,
Why do you continuously let our trained animals slip all the way back to wild before retraining? There's no way I'm ever letting them out of their cages if you can't get your act together.
-Overseer of Fort Strangelove
I think while in cages they won't be retrained unless they revert to wild. If you want to haven them retrained you need to take the risk and take them out of their boxes.
Post by: TheFlame52 on March 01, 2016, 04:53:01 pm
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer,
I decided to check up on your skill level, and was surprised to see that it was not only merely at "adequate", but that it was rusty. How can this be, when you have a dozen war-dogs, a dozen puppies (that will become war dogs) and a Roc(!) assigned to you personally? Animal training has been your primary duty for the past twelve years, with other responsibilities minimized to leave time for your important work.
What gives?
Sincerely,
your ever-frustrated overseer.
In related news:Dear Overseer:
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer,
Why do you continuously let our trained animals slip all the way back to wild before retraining? There's no way I'm ever letting them out of their cages if you can't get your act together.
-Overseer of Fort Strangelove
Maybe if you made a zone, then designated it as a pasture and an animal training site, then put the animals there, I would train them!
Sincerely,
Urist McAnimalTrainer
Post by: HMS Kaiser on March 02, 2016, 10:49:23 am
Holy Armok Almighty your performance in the last seige defense of approx. 40 gobbos, 8 trolls and 10 beak dogs was commendable... Seeing as you had only 20 dwarves in your milita at the time... But for the love of all that is holy, use your hammer more often. You're LITERALLY legendary with it but I saw you tear apart a beak dogs leg with your teeth...granted you ended up jamming its brain through the skull eventually with your named hammer, but you definitely could have saved time... But don't hate me... You're actually terrifying... I saw you punch a gobbos hand into an explosion of gore, kick another gobbo unconscious with your left foot and then brain a seperate gobbo to death...almost all at the same time...with the beak dogs leg still firmly in your teeth...
Sincerely,
A Nervous Overseerer
Post by: MobRules on March 02, 2016, 11:53:18 am
Dear Overseer:
Maybe if you made a zone, then designated it as a pasture and an animal training site, then put the animals there, I would train them!
Sincerely,
Urist McAnimalTrainer
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer:
You want I should let an untrained Roc out of it's cage and assign it to a *pasture*?
*sigh*. I've commenced construction of an airlocked room with cage traps in the airlock and just outside. I'll build the Roc's cage in there, and attach a lever to release it from the cage remotely. Have fun, hope you don't get yourself killed.
I assumed with all the war-dogs you've trained and your constant re-training of the caged roc, your animal-training skills would be getting plenty of practice, but apparently not.
~~Linda
Post by: cochramd on March 02, 2016, 11:58:44 am
Dear Overseer:Dear Overseer:
Maybe if you made a zone, then designated it as a pasture and an animal training site, then put the animals there, I would train them!
Sincerely,
Urist McAnimalTrainer
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer:
You want I should let an untrained Roc out of it's cage and assign it to a *pasture*?
*sigh*. I've commenced construction of an airlocked room with cage traps in the airlock and just outside. I'll build the Roc's cage in there, and attach a lever to release it from the cage remotely. Have fun, hope you don't get yourself killed.
I assumed with all the war-dogs you've trained and your constant re-training of the caged roc, your animal-training skills would be getting plenty of practice, but apparently not.
~~Linda
You know, if you're really so worried about this roc losing its training levels and rampaging across the fort I could just make a chain for it. Also, a war dog only needs to be trained once so they're not good "practice."
Signed, Urist McBlackmith.
Post by: Prop42 on March 10, 2016, 03:14:49 pm
Stop trying to exit the area by walking directly into waterfalls spanning 20 levels. We have a perfectly good bridge, and you are encouraged to use it. There is nothing in that ravine except hippos, sharp rocks, and painful death.
Honestly concerned about the education system in your place or origin,
The Overseer
Post by: MoonyTheHuman on March 10, 2016, 04:56:08 pm
You do not need a cat alongside your 8 children, stop this madness please
A Concerned overseer, rolling out
Post by: khearn on March 15, 2016, 08:44:14 pm
In general, when one encounters a giant honey badger in the woods, the proper course of action, especially if one is unarmed, is to run away from it, not to charge towards it and attempt to beat it with your fists. The giant honey badger that you met today actually tried to run away from you, giving you every opportunity to escape. But no, you had to chase it.
Now, should one be overtake by alcohol-fueled bravado and decide to chase a giant honey badger through the woods and the giant honey badger should jump into a pond, just about everyone would agree that it's a very bad idea to jump in after it. Especially if one doesn't know how to swim. It was no surprise to anyone but you when the badger then proceeded to drag you underwater and hold you there, while biting and shaking off your right foot and right arm. I'm not sure if you drowned or died from blood loss, but either way, you got what you deserved.
You'll be happy to know that the melee squad showed up just a few moments after you died and easily killed the giant honey badger. They had weapons, and they stayed on solid ground.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Dear Bomrek Kacothid, Duchess of Tombsholes,
I can only assume you chose him for his beard, not his brain.
O.
Post by: Insert_Gnome_Here on March 30, 2016, 02:24:50 pm
We have genocided the trees. When you look forth from the fortifications, you see nothing but poles of thousands of logs strewn everywhere. Please use the logs closest to you rather than wondering halfway across the map during what is a zombie siege.
Yours sincerely, your overseer.
Post by: khearn on March 30, 2016, 02:31:36 pm
But it *was* the closest log to me when I was in the tavern and got the message saying I needed to build more beds. It was right over my head.
Urist McGhost
Former Carpenter
Post by: noirscape on March 30, 2016, 04:07:55 pm
I understand, that body parts laying around the Depot are scary. So was the blood that was on the Depot. But if you looked closely, there was only Elven blood on it. Not dwarven. So the next time you arrive, don't let one wagon arrive in the Depot, take a look, scream and run away. Also I nicked all of your shit. Don't worry, we will give back the copper figurines next year.
Greetings,
Overseer ev1l0rd
Dear Elven Merchants,
Please come more. I need more of your
Greetings,
Overseer ev1l0rd
Post by: pikachu17 on April 01, 2016, 02:03:04 pm
Sorry that you were locked in a hospital with two werebeasts when you weren't a werebeast, but you HAD been bitten by Kol the young Were-badger.
Even so, did you have to posses my best metalist And make him kill my best carpenter, especialy since I engraved and constructed a slab immediately after you possessed him?
Goodbye,
Pikachu17, Door god
Post by: Insert_Gnome_Here on April 02, 2016, 06:53:34 am
I am greatly displeased with the accuracy of your historical records.
(http://i.imgur.com/OKHtZpz.png?1)
I distinctly remember the presence of at least 20 heavily armed corpses with the human lasher, and that the heroic efforts of the siege operators killed 6 of them and maimed many more.
I am now personally seeing to it that Ghostink will carve its legacy on the world in blood, especially that of historians.
Sincerely, Overseer of Ghostink
Post by: Dutrius on April 04, 2016, 09:45:07 am
Ok, which one of you scared away the caravan this autumn? I got the notice that they had arrived, and when I went to see them, they were nowhere to be seen.
Also, who decided that a region without elves would be a good place to settle? Now who are we supposed to annoy?
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 04, 2016, 09:52:46 am
The lads and I thought it would be a good idea to pull a prank, we're getting bored here without any elves to kill and annoy. Which is your fault, really, if you had tabbed through that wonderful map you had been using to choose where we go, you would have seen that elves were too far to be considered a neighbor.
Sincerely,
The lads
Post by: pikachu17 on April 05, 2016, 10:31:52 am
Dear angry overlord,Dear monom
Did you ever come down to the barracks and watch that kid spar? That meat was so stupid, He couldn't figure out which end of the spear goes towards the enemy. There's no way I was going into combat next to him, I'd have been in more danger from him than from the enemy. I told you he should have been assigned to the library instead of the military. But did you listen to me?
Your military commander, who prefers not to die from wounds inflicted by his own troops.
as you know Kel was killed by a giant mole. I've just been informed by a CAT(Cat At Tunnels) unit that a giant mole successfully killed a GCS with minimal injuries. Cant fully blame you for running.
Sincerely,
Your supreme overlord(who's scared of giant moles and released a dragon on this world that had none at the dawn of time)
Post by: Tesnivy812 on April 05, 2016, 11:56:10 am
DON'T BUILD YOURSELVES INTO WALLS.
Sincerely, your overseer.
Post by: bigjaredmonkey on April 26, 2016, 12:50:48 pm
Dear Dwarves,
DON'T BUILD YOURSELVES INTO WALLS.
Sincerely, your overseer.
Dear overseer,
When inside or behind a wall, i would finally have the time to enter a strange mood and create a ☼Rock sock☼.
You should be grateful that we build your walls!
Sincerely,
Urist McNoble
Post by: Panando on April 27, 2016, 03:53:16 am
Do you really have to cut all the paws off the dingo before killing it? Yes, yes, I know, the military is the place where we send psychos like you. But geezus! Does it entertain you to watch the poor critter crawling around on it's bloody stumps while bleeding out?
Sincerely,
Your benevolent overlord
Post by: pikachu17 on April 27, 2016, 09:20:06 am
Dear UristMcDingoTorturerSwordDorf,Dear "benevolent" overlord
Do you really have to cut all the paws off the dingo before killing it? Yes, yes, I know, the military is the place where we send psychos like you. But geezus! Does it entertain you to watch the poor critter crawling around on it's bloody stumps while bleeding out?
Sincerely,
Your benevolent overlord
I kill them that way because the extra severed limbs give more meat and skins, therefore it is useful. if I really wanted to be entertained, I would sever all its limbs, sever its eyes,ear, and nose
and let it live.
Regards, Urist Mcdingofighter
Post by: bigjaredmonkey on April 27, 2016, 12:54:43 pm
If you become drowsy, please wait to finish constructing your hallway of large serrated disc death BEFORE you take a nap.
Your bloody, gibbed corpse will be stowed away in the refuse stockpile.
Overseer
Post by: callisto8413 on April 27, 2016, 02:36:04 pm
I understand you have been shaken by many events happening in Tongsburns. The vampire hunts, the werecreature attacks, the Giant Flies, and the tree deaths. But you have to drink something! Come on! We have a tavern and a tavern keep. Look at the Humans and Elves and Goblins! Even they enjoy drinking! Drink something! Drink something - for your mother's sake! For the love of Dwarfkind, drink something!
Don't become so sober that you go insane and I have to put you down. We have had too many deaths already! Don't make me do it! Don't make me do it!
Your loving Overseer of Toy Land,
Me.
PS - Don't make me do it!
Post by: TheFlame52 on April 27, 2016, 02:40:40 pm
The vampire huntsWait, is the vampire still at large? Watch that sober dwarf closely...
Post by: callisto8413 on April 27, 2016, 02:46:07 pm
The vampire huntsWait, is the vampire still at large? Watch that sober dwarf closely...
No. They always announce themselves. "Hello, I'm Bob the Vampire Scholar!"
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on April 27, 2016, 05:26:19 pm
Post by: sculleywr on April 28, 2016, 09:20:30 pm
This dwarven civilization has established many forts, some of which are only a tile away on the map from your wretched hives of scum and villainy. And yet, no matter how many years we remain nearby, nor how much wealth we acquire in those fortresses, with weapons and crafting industries producing millions of sheckels worth of product each year, your lazy arses have refused to even send a lowly snatcher to visit us. The kobolds visited, until it became obvious to them by the flying kobolds launched the way they came by means of a warhammer-powered space program that they will never be able to steal a single thing from our forts. Come and visit, we'll even put some funny little birds in five fir trees! Come, I call you!
Sincerely,
King Under the Mountain
(seriously, I can't BUY a goblin invasion force. I don't know any other ways to get them to come and play with my overpopulated forts. I give bonus candy to those who got all of the references in this post)
Post by: SimRobert2001 on April 29, 2016, 09:42:18 pm
King Under the Mountain-
Pardon us, we are busy raiding your closer neighbors. They are closer to us than you are. As a result, we raid them first. We'll get to you... eventually.
-Goblins
Post by: Eric Blank on May 02, 2016, 03:06:41 am
That other guy was lying. You can tell he's a dabbling liar because he just said there were neighbors closer to us than the fort you established literally right outside our trenches.
The reality is that dwarves are smelly and dumb and less fun to massacre than humans.
-another goblin
Post by: Sver on May 02, 2016, 03:55:36 am
I can't BUY a goblin invasion force.There are things you can't buy. For everything else, there's Trade Depot.
Post by: pikachu17 on May 03, 2016, 09:50:31 am
Don't worry, the plan is working.
he will eventually become lax in his defenses.
When that happens, our 200 goblin army will storm through the fort.
Regards, Chaos Sparklepants
Dear King under the mountain
True, your fort is right under our trench.
but the other Dwarven forts are right under our fort.
After we save the Homeland We'll deal with you.
Not regards, Chaos Sparklepants
Post by: AdeptusEldritchus on May 03, 2016, 07:53:47 pm
Thank you for, when I designate a burrow to save your lives a layer below you, calmly walking to the ground above it and stopping.
Please don't go outside again.
Post by: ManaUser on May 14, 2016, 12:37:59 pm
It's true that the caverns are very dirty, that possum beast made quite a mess. And your initiative to start cleaning all that crundle blood at the first opportunity is certainly admirable. But the thing is, dear dwarf, the caverns are dangerous and we don't spend much time down there anyway. Every one of you is important to me I will not have your endanger yourselves needlessly.
Now go mop up the vomit in the tavern. Seriously, why won't anyone clean the vomit?
--Overseer
Post by: noirscape on May 15, 2016, 08:48:20 am
Dear Urist McCleaner,
It's true that the caverns are very dirty, that possum beast made quite a mess. And your initiative to start cleaning all that crundle blood at the first opportunity is certainly admirable. But the thing is, dear dwarf, the caverns are dangerous and we don't spend much time down there anyway. Every one of you is important to me I will not have your endanger yourselves needlessly.
Now go mop up the vomit in the tavern. Seriously, why won't anyone clean the vomit?
--Overseer
Dear Overseer ManaUser,
If you want me to clean inside the fortress, assign me to one of those burrow things that contains only the inside of the fortress. I won't go out of it unless I'm idle!
Greetings,
UristMcCleaner
Post by: ManaUser on May 15, 2016, 10:00:07 am
It seems you have misinterpreted your assignment to the tavern burrow as some kind of official vacation. I understand there are interesting performances happening, I know you feel vengeful over whatever petty quarrel is going on recently, but can't you put that aside for a moment when the floor is over half vomit! Don't you care at all?
--Overseer
Post by: ManMan on May 15, 2016, 05:03:49 pm
could you please tell me why you keep ignoring the wild animals that I kill? Seriously, I told you to butcher them, but nothing. I put a corpse stockpile in front of your shop, but nobody carries the body there. Do you want to starve?
Sincerely,
an angry noob.
Post by: nimbus25 on May 15, 2016, 07:31:10 pm
How in Armok's name did the front bridge get lowered without me ordering it to be lowered? And why did every one of you immediately run out to the castle building grounds into the very same building as a freaking DRAGON? What did you expect to happen?!
Post by: Carefulrogue on May 15, 2016, 09:35:49 pm
Dear the entirety of Cryptmurders,There's a story here...
How in Armok's name did the front bridge get lowered without me ordering it to be lowered? And why did every one of you immediately run out to the castle building grounds into the very same building as a freaking DRAGON? What did you expect to happen?!
Here's one, albeit kinda old:
Dear Urist McClean-cleaner,
At the moment, as you have yet to figure out, the fortress is locked down because of a swamp titan that breathes fire. If you would be so kind as to stop cleaning and get your ass outside to pick up a piece of wood, this can all end with you and Stran safely on other sides of the same wall. If you build any of the half dozen stills, you can continue you pitiful existence and pray to your gods that a goblin or kobold won’t take your life. You will notice that the ponds in the distance, the only source of “fresh” water on the surface as the true fortress dwellers had found out, freezes in the winter! It is autumn!! Get on with it! They want out, and I want your head!
We don’t have the resources to deal with a rampaging titan that breathes fire. The danger room isn’t completely ready, the army is a bunch of morons with pointy wooden sticks, and the archers don’t like to aim for the head. A scum save taught me that. So for the love of Armok GET TO WORK!!!!! Wall him it while he #$%&@ a door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely with hate, rage, and a zero tolerance of stupidity, your overseer,
Northwinds
Ps. You are dead. You walked right up to the titan to say hi. I understand that dwarves like to be more accommodating with other races. BUT it is a TITAN. It isn’t friendly and yet you walked right up to it and stood straight while it cut your throat, neck and spine in one go. And then it proceeded to light your corpse on fire. Please burn in Hell.
Your frustrated overseer.
Post by: Carefulrogue on May 15, 2016, 09:50:59 pm
It would he nice if you all just keeled over and died, instead of infecting the rest of the fort. Now, in light of most everyone dying, turning into one of you monsters, or somehow not going insane do to the rabid changes you regularly go through once a month, I've deemed it necessary to wall you in. Lacking an interest in continuing to watch over you all, I bid you farewell. Enjoy your lonely existences in a sealed vault with more corpses than usual.
Sincerely,
A tired overseer.
Post by: MoonyTheHuman on May 16, 2016, 04:05:24 pm
Stop trying to run into the fort traps when you are suppost to be murdering goblins
Post by: SimRobert2001 on May 16, 2016, 07:05:04 pm
Its a fort called cryptmurders, so, what did you REALLY expect?
-Signed, dwarves.
Post by: pikachu17 on May 17, 2016, 09:46:37 am
While it is cool that you managed to somehow become a lengedary crutch-walker without medical history of broken legs, I have no need of a legendary crutchwalker. hope you like hauling limonite and constructing walls!
Regards,
Your Semi-Evil Overlord
Post by: ToastGoats on May 17, 2016, 02:25:04 pm
When building walls to keep things out of the fort, please do not build the wall while you're inside the room I want sealed away so I don't have to unseal it.
Remember UristMcWeremonitor?
No?
That's because he killed everyone in my old fort.
Sincerely,
Toast
Post by: Sanctume on May 20, 2016, 10:34:27 am
I don't care if you are stung by 100 thousand bees. Just harvest those royal jellies for the Mead Hall.
Post by: HandofCreation0 on May 21, 2016, 10:55:22 pm
When I ordered you to man the walls and mow down the goblins and trolls standing right outside it, I did not specify you to fire off only one volley of bolts and then proceed to scale my walls, JUMP DOWN three Z levels and engage the goblins and trolls in hand to hand combat. You had entire quivers of bolts left to fire.
The rest of my military did not appreciate having to drop the drawbridge and go clean up the mess you all made and kill the rest of the goblins, and I'm sure the three warriors that died didn't appreciate it either. The 10 coffins made for you will not go into the hall of Champions and instead into the mass graveyard outside. In the rain.
You all were also my best hunters and provided a good portion of the food my fortress needed to survive. Next time around I'm putting a roof over your heads so that you don't get anymore bright ideas.
Sincerely,
Your Lovingly Irritated Overseer
Post by: Sus on May 25, 2016, 02:42:28 pm
You spend the better part of a year pondering on pulmonary medicine or foraging behavior, and then you write...
a 1-page Armok-damned autobiography?! Seriously? >:(
Get over your stupid egos already.
Okay, one of you actually wrote a travel guide to the fortress, so that's OK I guess...
Dear Scribes,
Y U no copy book? ???
Post by: Wedolko on May 26, 2016, 02:01:05 am
I'm sorry I put you all out front of the fortress when the goblins came. And drowned you in lava. And fed you to titans. But please grow up, your father came in with like 20 of you.
Post by: Volfgarix on May 26, 2016, 03:39:00 pm
Stop sending stupidly skilled migrants to me, it makes me wonder why I even train the starting seven when incoming migrants have better skills anyway.
I do love to get more basic people like you used to send, like novice miners, growers or even peasants. I had no problem assigning them to other jobs without feeling wasteful.
Post by: Demonic Gophers on May 26, 2016, 04:46:27 pm
I don't know why you all thought that climbing trees was a useful response to the giant kea raid. Birds can fly faster than you can climb, and are not limited to one tree. It is not an effective way to attack them, and it is not an effective way to escape them. But I'm sure that you had your reasons, and won't argue the point. All I ask is that, after the crisis is over, you climb back down. If getting a better look at the pretty birds is reason enough to climb up a tree, then avoiding a slow and horrible death by dehydration should be reason enough to climb down it. Several of you are only one level above the ground, and could simply jump out of the tree with no risk of injury at all. I'm getting tired of building staircases all over the orchard, and if I don't find you in time, you will die. And whenever we bother to pull your corpse out of the tree, it will go in a wooden casket in a hole in the mud with no honor at all, because you brought this death upon yourself.
Post by: LtGeneralQuick on May 28, 2016, 02:52:40 pm
While I understand that you all love fishing, would you PLEASE build the fishery. Everyone else has barely been able to survive off of plump helmets while you have let countless fish rot away on the side of the river. If this continues any longer, I will make you fish near the carp and hippos.
Post by: Pwned dwarf on May 28, 2016, 11:51:17 pm
Yes, murdering birds with your bare fists when you're so high in the trees you'd die if you fell down with friends is fun. At least bring so way of getting down or at least go with you friend so one one of you dies of thirst the other one can report it so i can save the other. Your the second kid to go missing in the past week so. But even when you turn into a ghost your not able to path down to murder the last surviving kid or something.
Post by: AzyWng on May 29, 2016, 11:16:09 pm
Dear fisherdwarves,
While I understand that you all love fishing, would you PLEASE build the fishery. Everyone else has barely been able to survive off of plump helmets while you have let countless fish rot away on the side of the river. If this continues any longer, I will make you fish near the carp and hippos.
Dear LtGeneralQuick,
There's a fairly easy way to fix that problem, actually
v, g (I think), l, + and - to select the proper skill, enter to enter a certain category, and then select and disable the fishing labor for at least one dwarf. They should then finally build the fishery.
Now would you PLEASE move along so legitimate complaints can be filed?
From,
AzyWng
((No worries, mate. I make rookie mistakes like this from time to time myself.))
Now for a legitimate complaint to actual dwarves.
Dear deceased fisherdwarves,
Protip: Ice melts.
If you're going to go ice fishing or whatever, at least learn to take a plunge without dying horribly. I've designated the brook as a fishing zone to prevent further deaths by drowning.
Whatever, bye.
From,
AzyWng, Dwarven Overseer
Post by: Smak64 on June 01, 2016, 07:09:08 pm
The common bedrooms have been covered in badger blood for the past four years. I have assigned a few of you to work solely as janitors. Yet, for some reason, the walls remain covered in badger blood.
Are you seeing the problem here yet? Because as of today, it seems as though you still don't. Allow me to clarify.
FIVE OF YOU STUPID BUGGERS HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CLEAN THE PLACE! YOU IDIOTS MISSED A SPOT THAT HAS BEEN SITTING THERE FOR FOUR YEARS, THAT YOU WALK PAST ON A DAILY BASIS! WHY HAVEN'T YOU CLEANED IT UP!?
Sincerely,
A dwarf with sense and reason who has been surrounded by morons who stink of badger blood for the past four years.
Post by: Bumber on June 01, 2016, 09:25:58 pm
Of all the thousand logs on the surface, why do you choose to gather the ones in the southwest corner near the rapidly-expanding, titan-induced firestorm? It's amusing to watch you lazily push your wheelbarrow along the growing incendiary border, but I thought maybe you'd catch wise after the second wheelbarrow burst into flames (after you ditched it due to "dangerous terrain".) Is this a drunken dare?
-Bemused Overseer of Strangelove
Post by: TheFlame52 on June 03, 2016, 07:39:36 pm
Dear Urist McHauler,Dear Bumber McOverseer,
Of all the thousand logs on the surface, why do you choose to gather the ones in the southwest corner near the rapidly-expanding, titan-induced firestorm? It's amusing to watch you lazily push your wheelbarrow along the growing incendiary border, but I thought maybe you'd catch wise after the second wheelbarrow burst into flames (after you ditched it due to "dangerous terrain".) Is this a drunken dare?-Bemused Overseer of Strangelove
Worse. It was a SOBER dare.
Sincerely, Urist McHauler
Post by: phoenixuk on June 06, 2016, 06:42:23 am
There has been an unconscious ogre at the foot of your defensive tower for a week now, being beaten in the head by about 15 civilians. I know I took some of you off active duty to recover from the goblin siege, but could one of you go over and put the thing out of it's jelly brained misery before the entire civilian population become epic boxers from punching it in the head for so long...
Regards,
Baffled McPatrolroutesetter
Post by: quintilius on June 08, 2016, 12:55:45 am
If you DIDNT want me to reclaim the capital you lost FIGHTING ELVES (i mean seriously...) then tell me before i collect 6 of my buddies and pile in the hopefully unexploding wagon. I mean - I show up - and you're all inside - 'ambushing' me (but doing nothing). What is this - some sort of dwarven variant of the Test of Courage? Around every corner - some new annoying 'Hostile' noble. I mean sure - you're nobles - and you tend to meet with unfortunate drawbridge accidents - but this is taking it a bit far.
I'm just going to ignore you. You dont seem to be eating nor starving to death - so i'm beginning to get a little worried...
Suspicious McAxedwarvesinbound
Post by: pikachu17 on June 08, 2016, 09:25:34 am
Dear Urist McAnnoyingNobleDear other orcs,
If you DIDNT want me to reclaim the capital you lost FIGHTING ELVES (i mean seriously...) then tell me before i collect 6 of my buddies and pile in the hopefully unexploding wagon. I mean - I show up - and you're all inside - 'ambushing' me (but doing nothing). What is this - some sort of dwarven variant of the Test of Courage? Around every corner - some new annoying 'Hostile' noble. I mean sure - you're nobles - and you tend to meet with unfortunate drawbridge accidents - but this is taking it a bit far.
I'm just going to ignore you. You dont seem to be eating nor starving to death - so i'm beginning to get a little worried...
Suspicious McAxedwarvesinbound
It seems that the dwarves don't realize we are orcs, not dwarves. good, they will find out after we slit their throats! we shall lull them into a false sense of security. no attacking the dwarves yet, that means you Dragonpants! And continue not eating, you are orcs after all you don't need to eat, it will confuse them! oh, and great jobs on pretending to be nobles, they probably think we're vampires!
Supreme Orc, Lorgon Fancypants
Post by: pikachu17 on June 08, 2016, 09:26:41 am
Dear Urist McAnnoyingNobleDear other orcs,
If you DIDNT want me to reclaim the capital you lost FIGHTING ELVES (i mean seriously...) then tell me before i collect 6 of my buddies and pile in the hopefully unexploding wagon. I mean - I show up - and you're all inside - 'ambushing' me (but doing nothing). What is this - some sort of dwarven variant of the Test of Courage? Around every corner - some new annoying 'Hostile' noble. I mean sure - you're nobles - and you tend to meet with unfortunate drawbridge accidents - but this is taking it a bit far.
I'm just going to ignore you. You dont seem to be eating nor starving to death - so i'm beginning to get a little worried...
Suspicious McAxedwarvesinbound
It seems that the dwarves don't realize we are orcs, not dwarves. good, they will find out after we slit their throats! we shall lull them into a false sense of security. no attacking the dwarves yet, that means you Dragonpants! And continue not eating, you are orcs after all you don't need to eat, it will confuse them! oh, and great jobs on pretending to be nobles, they probably think we're vampires!
Supreme Orc, Lorgon Fancypants
Post by: rachiebird on June 10, 2016, 02:57:28 pm
From my first fort:
Dear Various McLivestock,
I regret to inform you that there have been some deaths lately. Both of the sheep and one of the horses have passed away.
As you are well aware, in this fortress, we encourage all residents, including our precious animals, to basically do whatever they want. Any hobbies they decide to take up in their free time are fine.
However, while I was nothing but impressed by their clear talents and determination in reaching their goals, it is possible that grazing animals were simply not meant to climb trees. After leaving the ground, the three of them found themselves irreparably stuck, and eventually starved to death.
Hopefully, this tragedy will inspire a sense of caution in all of you, and none of you will feel the need to follow in their footsteps. However, as an extra measure, starting today, you have all been assigned to a new pasture, which, coincidentally has no trees anywhere near it.
Sincerely, Overseer McFeelsBadWhenTheAnimalsDie
P.S. Okay, fine. Poultry don't need to eat. If it really makes him happy, the duck can stay in the tree.
~~~
Dear Urist McGelder,
Due to my inexperience and limited vocabulary, it took me several months to realize that you specialized in cutting off animal testicles. For that, I am sorry.
When I finally assigned some animals to be gelded, it was a joy to see you spring into action like all your dreams had been fulfilled. Your efforts have done a great deal to rein in the massive swarm of dogs living in the dining hall.
However, you have now neutered every vaguely applicable animal in the fortress. Gelding is not a skill that frequently sees repeat customers, so there will probably be a limited amount of work for you in the future. I would personally recommend looking into a back up profession beyond 'hanging out in the dining room doing nothing'.
Sincerely, Overseer McSlightlyAmusedThatGeldingIsYourOnlyNonMilitarySkill
~~~
Dear Urist McMigrant and family,
Our fortress is very accessible. You can get to it from pretty much any area of the map. Except for the tiny corner blocked off by the river. It's about three tiles wide. If I didn't make a habit of checking every migrant coming into my fortress, you would have probably starved. I'd ask you to pass this information on to other potential visitors, but since my dwarves went out there and built a bridge specifically for you, there probably won't be any repeat incidents.
Sincerely, Overseer McKindaImpressedByYourCompleteLackOfPlanningSkills
~~~
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,
I think you'll find this fortress has a very welcoming attitude towards pets.
We don't use cages, our meat industry is nonexistent, and if you look in the great hall, you'll see that dogs, cats, and even chickens are free to wander the building with or without their owners.
That said, please pasture your goat. She follows you everywhere, and it is clear you two share a very deep bond. But she needs to graze, and in case you have not noticed, there is no grass growing inside of our fortress.
I've assigned her to a spacious area with some other goats and assorted animals. You can come see her at any time, and if you are still lonely, you may also adopt one of the more indoor-friendly pets residing in the great hall.
Sincerely Overseer McDoesn'tTrustAnyoneToFeedTheirPetsWhenTheyCan'tRememberToFeedTheWounded
P.S. The same goes for the guy who just laid claim on all the baby lambs. You know where they belong, and it's not in your bedroom.
And then from my current fort:
Dear Dakost the Nanny Goat,
I put you up for adoption because you are apparently a more competent fighter than a trained war dog. When a badger attacked the livestock, you mauled it and single handedly drove it off, your only injury being a cut on your head that quickly healed into a badass scar.
Meanwhile, the war dog barely chased his badger away after sustaining several wounds and passing out from the pain.
Hopefully you will be able to live an easy life of retirement from now on, but if the time comes, I trust you will protect your small child from badgers as effortlessly as you protected our livestock.
Thanks, Your Overseer.
~~~
Dear Urist McMigrantMamma,
Yes, I know our chairs are very nice. But aren't you forgetting something? Perhaps your baby? The one you dropped on the ground the second you entered the map?
While he is almost a year old now, and it was very impressive watching him climb down the mountain alone, all the while puking heavily, on account of cave adaption, he really shouldn't have had to do that. I'm disappointed in you.
Sincerely, Overseer McWonderingAboutDwarvenChildProtectionSevices
P.S. Why does he have cave adaptation in the first place? You don't. Is this 'abandoning you child somewhere while you do something else a routine for you??
~~~
Dear Urist McHauler,
Yes, full pots are heavy. You don't like carrying them around, and I can't exactly blame you for that.
But do you think that when I asked you to move the prepared meals pot one tile over, to the new food stockpile, it might possibly have been easier to just do it, instead of removing everything from the pot, putting the individual meals in the stockpile, and then moving the pot?
Sincerely, Overseer McOnlyAmusedBecauseYouDon'tHaveAnythingBetterToDo
~~~
Dear Elves,
I'm afraid we may have given you the wrong impression. Last year, in a fit of horrified revulsion, our mason carved a high quality sculpture of a fly. We traded it to you, not in an attempt to communicate something about this fortress's interests, but because we felt like getting it out of the basement would be comforting to the general population.
On that note, while it was, based on the information you were given, extremely thoughtful of you to bring us that tame giant fly this year, we have absolutely no use for it, and only purchased it to make you feel better. I and our new, worm-hating mason would prefer if in the future, you didn't judge our needs based on one sculptor's bizarre obsession.
Your faithful trading partners, the dwarves of Rashgudid
~~~
Dear Urist McBarfy,
I understand that the sun is super gross, and looking at it is enough to make you puke. I don't hold it against you at all. If anything I respect you all the more for being able to carry out your job while constantly reching.
However, in the interest of not grossing out the traders and planters, would it be possible to aim your barf at the grass, instead of puking all over our garden plots and nice new road?
Sincerely, Overseer McNeatFreak
~~~
Dear Urist McDoesn'tHaveCaveAdaption and friends,
I've noticed you all love cleaning so much that you'll happily wander into the middle of a dog fight if it means you get to mop up some blood. Thanks to you, our fortress probably has most spotless floor for miles.
Could you now direct your attention to the smears of puke and blood outside? I know outdoor cleaning is generally frowned upon, due to the dangers it can bring, but the most dangerous thing in this area is the the occasional badger. We don't get much rain, and the entire courtyard is a mess.
Still wanting things tidy, Overseer McNeatFreak
P.S. If that's beyond your skill level, could you at least start experimenting with cleaning vertical surfaces? Horizontal stains may come and go, but that badger blood has been on the library wall for months.
~~~
Dear Urist McAnimalPasturer and friends,
I really appreciate the work you guys do. If it weren't for you, the poor horses and goats would happily sit around inside and starve. You're the ones who put them in the pasture, and you're the ones who keep them there in the event of badgers trundling in and making the grazers uncomfortable.
However. You're probably aware of the cage traps scattered across the mountain. They're very effective, and we always catch way too much wildlife with them. That is why I developed the pasture based wildlife release method. A dwarf removes the wild animal from it's cage, takes it on a lovely little stroll up the mountain, then releases it into the nice mountain-top pasture I designated specifically for this purpose.
The goal is for the wild animal to wander out of the pasture, and eventually off the map, attaining the status of "no longer my problem".
Therefore, while I absolutely admire your dedication to your jobs, there is no need for you to repeatedly hunt down the aforementioned animal, metaphorically wrestle the poor thing into submission, and then drag it, terrified, back to the pasture that was only ever supposed to be temporary anyways.
Sincerely, Overseer McShouldn'tHaveToUndoPastureDesignationsForAnimalsWhoAlreadyLeftTheMap
Post by: MrSparky on June 21, 2016, 05:19:28 pm
Dear Urist McWunderkind. You were an infant when both of your parents were killed by the forgotten beast Ngobo Beachslithers the Master of Holes but look at you now. At the age of 4 you've completed your life dream of creating a great work of art by crafting a legendary pig bone short sword. Good on you.
Dear Urist McEverybodyElse: quit your whining about silly stuff like insufficient tables and not being able to pray. We have multiple pantheistic temples and a dining hall with more than enough room for everyone, use them.
Post by: juicebox on June 24, 2016, 09:38:30 am
I know that you re new to our military, and have little to no battle experience, and I know that fighting a troll for the first time can be scary. But the next time I send you to fight a troll, don't run away like a little pussy and allow one of my legendary masons to die, especially if you're going to come back and kill the troll in one hit.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Derro on June 24, 2016, 09:48:53 am
Dear Urist McRecruit,
I know that you re new to our military, and have little to no battle experience, and I know that fighting a troll for the first time can be scary. But the next time I send you to fight a troll, don't run away like a little pussy and allow one of my legendary masons to die, especially if you're going to come back and kill the troll in one hit.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
It's still better than my recruits, who decided that when standing at one side of a trap-filled hallway with goblins approaching from the other end, the smart thing to do is charge down the hallway. Four of them didn't survive.
Post by: Iamblichos on June 24, 2016, 10:02:25 am
I agree, the undead are exceptionally frightening. They are not only abominations against nature, but also very dangerous in an up close and personal way. However. I would encourage everyone to see the humourous side of a reanimated grizzly bear head skin, and not run from every corner of the fortress to pummel at it ineffectively until passing out. I know, I know... a radical idea at best, heresy at worst. Nevertheless, having to retire entire fortresses just because the inhabitants are unwilling to stop beating on an undead scrap of can't-possibly-hurt-you skin gets a little old.
Sincerely,
Urist McSickOfThisDamnBug, Overseer
Post by: llasram on June 27, 2016, 07:39:33 pm
Post by: pikachu17 on June 28, 2016, 09:31:58 am
You know we have a LOVELY bridge over the scenic waterfall. I know, I know, you want to take the scenic route, but why do you NEED to jump off the bridge and jump off the waterfall landing at the bottom and then drowning?! you're not even melancholy! you're just lucky I saw you 'fore you drowned, while I was using dfhack. funny, about that drowned kobold though!
Congratulations for your still being alive,
Pikachu17 Dragonslayer, The scourge of the goblins(and dragons, obviously).
Post by: Repseki on July 11, 2016, 08:20:33 am
How could you possibly be leading an unexciting life, you are in the military. You complain about being unable to fight when just last month you took part in the slaughter of 100~ goblins during the recent siege. You complain about being unable to craft anything when I give you half the year off and a metalsmiths workshop assigned to only you. Do you think we really need all of these random trinkets? You even complain about being away from family, when you have NO family to be away from...
Please just stop.
Post by: gunpowdertea on July 12, 2016, 03:38:48 am
I can see you are walking around, admiring the furniture. The doors etc. would be even greater to behold if you would go and start encrusting all these masterwork doors, beds, tables, chairs, statues, coffins, chains, armor stands and weapon racks! What's wrong with you? You have no other labours enabled, you are wined and dined, the workshop has a bunch of jobs open, it is accessible, the building material is not forbidden, there are a ton of gems and furniture really close by - yet you still hang around having "no job". You'd better start working soon - otherwise I might send you to explore some of these interesting geological structures that poke up through the magma sea, you know, the blue ones. Alone.
Kind regards,
The Overseer.
Post by: Roofless on July 12, 2016, 06:26:57 am
I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If your
Regards,
Rocksford's overseer
Post by: pikachu17 on July 12, 2016, 09:11:34 am
While we fully appreciate your efforts to fight the kea menace, why do you refuse to enter the tavern you supposedly came for? you just fly around killing keas. well, thanks anyway
Regards,
Pikachu17, King of the Damned
Post by: Fleeting Frames on July 12, 2016, 12:56:24 pm
Dear mercenary militia,Dear Rocksford's overseer
I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If yourbodymagma-puff count goes over five, I swear I will wall it all in and ruin the awesome view your tower-o-doom has.
Regards,
Rocksford's overseer
We can dodge and charge through walls too.
Sincerely, magma-puff
Post by: Tygroux on July 12, 2016, 02:44:22 pm
BoatSteel? Seriously?
We're in the mountain, and that's not even steel it's galena you morons.
That's the last time I let you guys chose the name.
The "BoatSteel" Overseer.
Addendum:
We are a moutain fortified outpost, at the border of Succubis, Great Spider Fiend and Goblins territories.
We are barely self-sustainable, and do not have enough steel to arm everyone.
Our Main Defense is a 3 urist-thick wall and the outer minefield.
SO IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR KIDS AGAIN GO TO THEM, DO NOT INVITE THEM HERE BY DOZENS.
If I need to breach the caverns early because we ran out of food (thanks to whoever cooked our last plumps helmets... enjoy the biscuits guys!), you baby poppers will be first on the front line.
And not even with training weapons, since we run out of wood too.
Post by: Roofless on July 13, 2016, 04:35:22 am
Dear mercenary militia,Dear Rocksford's overseer
I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If yourbodymagma-puff count goes over five, I swear I will wall it all in and ruin the awesome view your tower-o-doom has.
Regards,
Rocksford's overseer
We can dodge and charge through walls too.
Sincerely, magma-puff
Dear latest magma-puff and other, magma-free, mercenaries,
I am really happy that you feel satisfied upon improving wrestling but it is no excuse for flying through a fortification I carefully constructed to prevent your mercenary lemming runs.
As you did not heed my wise advice, I will seal you in with three-layers-thick airtight glass windows. And I am switching your training floor from silver bars to logs, as you clearly don't appreciate it at all.
Post by: AzyWng on July 17, 2016, 01:09:53 pm
(thanks to whoever cooked our last plumps helmets... enjoy the biscuits guys!)
Dear Tygroux:
Keep the "Kitchen" tab in the fortress menu (z) in mind. From there you can set cooking and brewing permissions. Just keep that in mind for next time.
Good luck,
AzyWng
Now on to my actual article:
Dear Peasant and Lye Maker:
First off, congratulations for going to the wrong place for your skills. At least you folks are capable of learning new ones...
If you'll stop trying to pasture the animals RIGHT ABOVE YOU and SOMEHOW FAILING!
What is wrong with you? You're not even stopping to eat, drink, or sleep, you'll kill yourselves at this rate!
From,
AzyWng
EDIT: It seems the error is mine, I failed to turn off the burrow.
Post by: Madman198237 on July 19, 2016, 05:18:41 pm
Thank you for not having the first clue on what a crossbow can be used for.
Not only did you refuse to fire them at the forgotten beast, you also didn't even use them as hammers.
I hope you enjoyed your head-smashing ends.
Thanks for ruining that fort. If I hadn't save-scummed, your antics would have had me trying again with exactly one dwarven child and his puppy outside the sealed fort, while they watched the caravan and diplomat turn around and leave.
Post by: Derro on July 20, 2016, 05:08:43 am
A simple rule of thumb: if it rains blood, don't go outside. It doesn't matter whether you think these interesting items should be picked up and stockpiled, don't go outside when bodily fluids of any kind fall from the sky. Especially not if you already did so and immediately collapsed in despair. *Especially* not if there's also half a dozen undying avians out there.
Post by: StagnantSoul on July 20, 2016, 07:00:30 pm
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Post by: Derro on July 21, 2016, 07:38:55 am
Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Oh! I can! I can!
It'd be a waste of the short sword. Send him unarmed instead.
Post by: TheFlame52 on July 21, 2016, 08:45:44 am
Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Dear Overseer McStagnantSoul
I would have trained it if you had put it in a zone with animal training allowed! But you didn't, so I couldn't train it, and it went wild. This is your fault.
Sincerely, Urist McAnimalTrainer
Post by: Bumber on July 21, 2016, 10:12:42 am
Preferably, you should tame it while it's still in a cage in a stockpile in a training zone. Trying to train a wild animal in a pasture before taming is asking for trouble.Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Dear Overseer McStagnantSoul
I would have trained it if you had put it in a zone with animal training allowed! But you didn't, so I couldn't train it, and it went wild. This is your fault.
Sincerely, Urist McAnimalTrainer
Post by: scourge728 on July 21, 2016, 12:04:19 pm
Please stop sparring with the stray war dogs, it's just asking for someone to get hurt
Dear Wardogs
Please stop attacking the unicorns
Dear Urist McFarmer
Please expand the farm like I have designated, we need more beer and we don't have enough plants growing for it
Dear Urist Mchauler
Why won't you use the dumping zones I have set for the giant pile of corpses outside our fortress
Sincerely to all, The magic voice in your heads
Post by: StagnantSoul on July 21, 2016, 03:46:03 pm
Preferably, you should tame it while it's still in a cage in a stockpile in a training zone. Trying to train a wild animal in a pasture before taming is asking for trouble.Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Dear Overseer McStagnantSoul
I would have trained it if you had put it in a zone with animal training allowed! But you didn't, so I couldn't train it, and it went wild. This is your fault.
Sincerely, Urist McAnimalTrainer
I can tame them in a cage? I tamed my cave and non-cave dragons in open stone rooms, and tamed the rocs I used for a three adult rock strong roc hatchery in the dining room.
Post by: TheDarkStar on July 21, 2016, 03:55:06 pm
Please don't walk over a bridge immediately after pulling the lever for it. Yes, most of the time you'll be only flung at the wall, but if you are on the tile that becomes a wall, you are atomsmashed.
Sincerely, TheDarkStar
(note to self: forbid all items in the room if a bridge is used as a door before allowing the lever to be pulled.
Post by: scourge728 on July 21, 2016, 05:47:37 pm
We do not need fishery workers... we will NEVER need fishery workers, we will ALSO never need more then 1 milker or any beekeepers, gelders or dyers... or millers or small animal dissectors, we won't need more woodcutters for the forseeable future we also don't need bone carvers or pressers or glassmakers, we do however need more miners so you all have been re-assigned
Post by: Bumber on July 22, 2016, 12:27:07 am
I can tame them in a cage? I tamed my cave and non-cave dragons in open stone rooms, and tamed the rocs I used for a three adult rock strong roc hatchery in the dining room.Yes. Seeds taming tend to get stuck in the cage, though, and have to be dumped. Small price to pay to avoid disaster whenever trainers get interrupted somehow.
Post by: Derro on July 22, 2016, 07:17:57 am
Please remember that if blood-colored muck falls from the sky, it's a bad thing, and you should stay away from it. If you'd come to this simple realization, you wouldn't be about to be locked in because I'm not letting your broken, rotting, useless bodies crawl over to the meeting hall then die and reanimate.
Because I'm not completely heartless, though, I may send a few trained military dwarves into your room to end your corpse's miserable attempt at living in a few years, after which you'll receive a honorless lava burial.
Sincerely, Derro
Post by: StarWars1981 on July 22, 2016, 08:52:03 am
You're a Legendary miner. You worked your way from Skilled on up as the fortress's only embarked miner. From then, no miners migrated. You survived drilling 5 aquifer layers, walling off the last one enough to penetrate into the stone beneath, and then, when you hit lower layers of aquifer around yourself, and I ordered you to dig exploratory down-staircases to find a dry spot ...
You drowned. Five layers of aquifer, yet this one LAST staircase is too much? You weren't even working in the double-slit setup with the potential for disaster should the operator tire!!!
So, McMiner, savescummed as I packed no extra picks and have no metal. Also, because screw you. I'm gonna go find a more dangerous biome, this one's getting boring. Because I can't even anger the goblins - I need more metals for that, and I can't get the shallow or deep metals if you won't get PAST THE AQUIFER.
Thank you for nothing, you useless nonswimmer,
Overseer
Post by: vekar on July 22, 2016, 11:05:50 am
For the love of Armor when the alarm sounds quit trying to lead the pig inside to be butchered while a werecoatl slaughters two other dwarves around you. Drop the pig and run for it, it might buy you some... Oh never mind, masons! More coffins!
From: Overseer
Post by: scourge728 on July 22, 2016, 02:09:30 pm
I know I said stop sparring with the war dogs, but that DOESN'T mean spar with the CATS.. why did you do that and why did the cat even let you
Post by: Pirate Santa on July 24, 2016, 05:18:38 am
Your custom job title is Master Potter because you are my best potter. It is your highest skill.
So why in Armok's good name when you went fey would did you go to a craftsdwarf's shop and produce a wooden toy axe and shoot up to legendary woodcrafter?
I already have a legendary woodcrafter, I don't need another. Also I was looking forward to a sweet clay artifact.
Signed,
The incredibly disappointed overseer of Skullmines.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on July 24, 2016, 08:22:39 am
Dear UristMcmasterPotter,http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Strange_mood
Your custom job title is Master Potter because you are my best potter. It is your highest skill.
So why in Armok's good name when you went fey would did you go to a craftsdwarf's shop and produce a wooden toy axe and shoot up to legendary woodcrafter?
I already have a legendary woodcrafter, I don't need another. Also I was looking forward to a sweet clay artifact.
Signed,
The incredibly disappointed overseer of Skullmines.
Post by: Walrusking on July 24, 2016, 12:34:40 pm
we're building a tower. It's been half a year. Where are you?!?
Sincerely,
Fortress of Skinrags
Post by: scourge728 on July 24, 2016, 01:26:55 pm
I SAID STOP SPARRING WITH THE CATS!!!! we have plenty of war black bears (yay for modding) if you REALLY have to spar with an animal
Post by: StarWars1981 on July 25, 2016, 08:30:55 am
If 300 coins' worth of profit isn't good enough for you, and then 400 and 500 aren't, and you tell me "Perhaps next time you'll take me seriously", one of two things will happen: you die in there, or I savescum because dangit, they lied to me, the only deep metal is ADAMANTINE. So much for deep metal"s". Next time, you will die in there, being a dwarf or not. You earned 4500 coins total there, for barely 4000 worth of metal objects to me, yet you were OFFENDED by that much profit?
It won't happen again,
The Overseer
Dear Urist McBroker,
Level up, dang you. I won't savescum again because you can't convince the blockhead trader to trade for HIS profit and not MINE. I'm trying to build up enough wealth to ANGER THE GOBLINS. That was the whole point of embarking NEXT TO THEM. So quit SABOTAGING MY EFFORTS!
Don't fail me again,
The Overseer
Post by: Fleeting Frames on July 25, 2016, 04:00:37 pm
Post by: Feathermind on July 25, 2016, 10:48:04 pm
Dear Urist McTrader,The journey to a budding dwarven outpost is dangerous and expensive. A 12.5% increase on the base value of traded goods barely even begins to cover the travel expenses. They also need to make enough profit to make up for all the caravans lost to dragons, titans, rocs, bronze collossi, goblins, giants, zombies, hydras, werebeasts, irate dwarves, cyclopses, ettins, volcanic activity* and other accidents, and for unprofitible ventures due to lack of sales or collapse of the outpost before they arrived. Why, a number of times they've arrived at an outpost to find the dwarves had somehow delved into the underworld itself and unleashed a horde of unimaginable horrors which now run the fortress, refuse to trade more than base value for goods and occasionally set the wagons on fire by proximity, which isn't all that different from dealing with dwarven traders but at least with dwarves there was the possibility of profit once they were up to their ears in gold and forgotten beast meat and more interested in your ability to take some of it off their hands than anything you had to offer.
If 300 coins' worth of profit isn't good enough for you, and then 400 and 500 aren't, and you tell me "Perhaps next time you'll take me seriously", one of two things will happen: you die in there, or I savescum because dangit, they lied to me, the only deep metal is ADAMANTINE. So much for deep metal"s". Next time, you will die in there, being a dwarf or not. You earned 4500 coins total there, for barely 4000 worth of metal objects to me, yet you were OFFENDED by that much profit?
It won't happen again,
The Overseer
*Many civilizations have reported losing caravans to sudden floods of lava or magma at dwarven outposts, often in areas which had no notable volcanic activity before the dwarves arrived. Elvish geologists blame the increased volcanic activity on reduced tectonic stability caused by clearcutting. In the hopes of preventing future incidents, the elves have banned dwarf wood imports and urge dwarven outposts to limit their treefelling to a predefined quota.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on July 25, 2016, 10:55:18 pm
*Many civilizations have reported losing caravans to sudden floods of lava or magma at dwarven outposts, often in areas which had no notable volcanic activity before the dwarves arrived. Elvish geologists blame the increased volcanic activity on reduced tectonic stability caused by clearcutting. In the hopes of preventing future incidents, the elves have banned dwarf wood imports and urge dwarven outposts to limit their treefelling to a predefined quota.Hm. On the face of it, trees aren't that big, but it sounds disturbingly plausible when you consider that almost every fortress where there were sudden and new volcanic eruptions ignored the quota, and our Mathematicians assure the odds of that happening by random chance is minimal.
There must be additional factors though for it doesn't happen on every clearcutting they commit. More ↑↑science↑↑ is required.
I do fear burning like the trees, though. Lets send some adventurers into the area first. They're gullible; telling them there's treasure will be easily enough.
Post by: saltmummy626 on July 26, 2016, 01:34:23 am
This fortress of ours is home to 143 owls. Please dwarves, please, place them in the specified cage. It's not that time is mysteriously slowing down because of it, it's because of what happens to you guys when the owls get antsy. Lets not have a repeat of what happened to Urist McGemcutter. Or Cog McCarpenter. Or Vucar McMiner. Or Urdim McAnimaltrainer. Or Udim McSevenotherdwarves. Please. The fortress is rapidly running out of fingers, eyes, and FPS. Cage the owls.
Your concerned overseer.
Post by: Walrusking on July 26, 2016, 09:57:28 am
A library is a place of study and reflection. Please refrain from storing wombat corpses in the library. We have a garbage disposal for this one floor up.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Post by: pikachu17 on July 26, 2016, 10:15:18 am
I understand that you have no emotions, but is it really logical to attack a fire-breathing salamander without any shields?
Sincerely, your happy Overseer(my first loss! ;D).
Post by: scourge728 on July 26, 2016, 10:55:36 am
When I said the tavern and temple were now for citizens only that also meant leave before time froze from the amount of you in there constantly
Lagginly,
Scourge the overseer
Post by: Derro on July 26, 2016, 03:47:04 pm
First of all, props for making it through several dozen of evil or savage world map squares all the way to my fortress. Shows real dedication. You even killed some of the undead outside for me, which I appreciate.
However, if I offer you a 650 profit, please consider actually accepting my offer. I only have silver, tin and lead to work with here: I'm going to need to buy copper or iron if you want me to make this colony flourish. Don't force me to lock you in and then plunder your still-warm corpses.
Also, reanimating and forcing me to close off yet another entrance to my fortress was unnecessary.
Post by: scourge728 on July 26, 2016, 05:20:12 pm
I asked you to put the poultry, the cats and the war animals and their 6 million babies in cages, build a lever and a bridge so I can do something about the corpses and vermin and move the bodies to a dumping zone while we wait. CAN YOU NOT FEEL TIME SLOWING AROUND YOU
Lagginly,
Scourge the overseer
Post by: LordFreezer on July 30, 2016, 08:44:22 pm
I admit I've neglected you. Our steel industry is waiting on our miners to bring forth Armok's blood from the depths, a time consuming task. Most of you have had to make do with whatever I could obtain from the traders. Except for the Militia Commander, none of you have any armour and two of you are even using filthy elven weapons, which I assume earns copious amounts of ridicule from your comrades.
Despite all this, some congratulations are in order. When the Weregila attacked, you all threw yourselves into the fray without hesitation. Your initial strategy of hacking off each limb, was brilliant. Kicking the monster in the mouth was unnecessary, but certainly brought a smile to my face when its teeth went flying everywhere. Disembowelling the beast was a fitting way to end this slaughter. To top it all off, none of you sustained an injury more serious than a bruise.
Thanks to your terrifying display of might, the fortress will sleep easy tonight. Well done.
The Overseer
Post by: scourge728 on July 30, 2016, 10:20:48 pm
I see you still won't stop sparring with the dogs, but the main reason I am sending this is because you need to be more like this:
Dear Lanterns of Roughness, Defenders of Oilyballs (hehe)and less puking your guts out constantly as soon as you step into the sunlight
I admit I've neglected you. Our steel industry is waiting on our miners to bring forth Armok's blood from the depths, a time consuming task. Most of you have had to make do with whatever I could obtain from the traders. Except for the Militia Commander, none of you have any armour and two of you are even using filthy elven weapons, which I assume earns copious amounts of ridicule from your comrades.
Despite all this, some congratulations are in order. When the Weregila attacked, you all threw yourselves into the fray without hesitation. Your initial strategy of hacking off each limb, was brilliant. Kicking the monster in the mouth was unnecessary, but certainly brought a smile to my face when its teeth went flying everywhere. Disembowelling the beast was a fitting way to end this slaughter. To top it all off, none of you sustained an injury more serious than a bruise.
Thanks to your terrifying display of might, the fortress will sleep easy tonight. Well done.
The Overseer
annoyed and disgusted,
Scourge the Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on July 31, 2016, 10:23:14 am
If you put our training barracks us outside, or well lit, we wouldn't become cave adapted and loss our lunch!
Sincerely, militia commander
Post by: scourge728 on July 31, 2016, 11:09:29 am
great idea.. *evil face*
Evilly,
Scourge the Overseer
Post by: hinric on August 02, 2016, 11:39:42 am
I understand you have been locked up in the magma forge with a steel bar, an assortment of valuable gems and several items from the refuse pile for some time now, working on a secret project. Now it is finished and I think I speak for the entire fortress when I say: thank you for the beautiful steel low boot. It is truly spectacular. It will be given a place of honor next to the artifact chicken bone rings and saltpeter millstones.
Post by: MehMuffin on August 02, 2016, 09:02:06 pm
A ZOMBIE CROW?! IT'S LIKE A DARKER COLORED FUCKING PIGEON!!! HOW THE HELL DID IT RIP THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SPINE YOU IDIOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!
Best,
MehMuffin
Post by: Eric Blank on August 02, 2016, 09:39:53 pm
It ripped through his spine because he was a high master weaponsmith. If he were a milker he'd have suffered only bruises.
Keep your fragile high value targets indoors at all costs.
Sincerely, Murphy's Law
Post by: scourge728 on August 03, 2016, 02:53:32 pm
In case you are somehow unaware, we have no water other then a few murky pools(most of which I've removed) and the cave water, which are terrible for a sustainable fishing industry, PLEASE STOP SENDING FISHERS
Annoyed,
Scourge the overseer
Post by: TheBiggerFish on August 03, 2016, 03:02:29 pm
Dear High Master Weaponsmith,Dear MehMuffin,
A ZOMBIE CROW?! IT'S LIKE A DARKER COLORED FUCKING PIGEON!!! HOW THE HELL DID IT RIP THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SPINE YOU IDIOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!
Best,
MehMuffin
Because zombies.
Best of luck,
Evil biome/necromancer.
Post by: TheFlame52 on August 03, 2016, 03:10:08 pm
A ZOMBIE CROWWait a minute. Crows are vermin, which means they can't be zombies. That means you're either using a mod or it wasn't a crow. My best guesses for what it could be are either a giant crow or a raven - both of which, zombified, are fully capable of ripping a dwarf in half.
Post by: scourge728 on August 03, 2016, 08:06:02 pm
There was a helmet snake, it bit several miners, it is dead, some of you go bring the miners to the hospital or so help me....
Infuriatedly
Scourge the overseer
Post by: billybobfred on August 05, 2016, 10:40:07 pm
Dear Mountain HomeIn a fort without rivers, "fisher" is just another word for "recruit".
In case you are somehow unaware, we have no water other then a few murky pools(most of which I've removed) and the cave water, which are terrible for a sustainable fishing industry, PLEASE STOP SENDING FISHERS
Annoyed,
Scourge the overseer
Post by: scourge728 on August 06, 2016, 09:38:43 am
The problem with that is I can't equip them reliably due to the lack of iron or tin in my entire embark area..Dear Mountain HomeIn a fort without rivers, "fisher" is just another word for "recruit".
In case you are somehow unaware, we have no water other then a few murky pools(most of which I've removed) and the cave water, which are terrible for a sustainable fishing industry, PLEASE STOP SENDING FISHERS
Annoyed,
Scourge the overseer
Post by: spazyak on August 06, 2016, 12:32:40 pm
Quite bitching about the shortage of food and go out and actualy hunt! We have a river right outside the fort with a little safe area for you fishers and hunters, have you not seen the amount of deer and Crapybara. We've had better years with less of you guys and the fort has only so much live stock.
From,
Your annoyed overlord.
Ps. Why don't you all just take a look at that lever next to the flood gate on the other side of that air lock.
Also
Dear wood cutters,
You don't need to climb a tree to cut it down. Tired of having you guys starve to death in large groups on top of a tree. Though I do wonder how injured you all will be when Urist McCompitent finaly cuts it down.
Love,
Your worst chance at survival.
Post by: Spehss _ on August 06, 2016, 07:28:00 pm
Why would you leave your trousers in the water reservoir? Why would you even take the trousers off in the first place? I watched you build a waterwheel, and then suddenly you're walking away and there's a pair of pants where you were standing.
Please come retrieve your trousers. We're waiting on you so we can get the water flowing again and power the magma pump stack. The thing that's taken 2 years to build. So hurry up. If you weren't so good at mining and killing things with an axe, I'd consider drowning you for this stupidity.
t. Overseer.
Post by: scourge728 on August 07, 2016, 11:48:07 am
Please stop leaving your clothing in the caverns
Dear all Urist McMiners
When you see a cave creature I don't want you to try (and fail) to beat it to death with your fists, I want you to slam the sharp part of your pickaxe into the creature's skull
Dear all Urist Mcthirstys
Why are you drinking things outside near the corpses, if you drank inside in the dining room or the tavern you wouldn't have to deal with the vultures now would you?
Dear All of the Urist McStresseds
We have a statue garden filled with golden statues, a zoo, a legendary dining room, a tavern, a church, several more statues in the main entrance, golden roads and walls in the main entryway, a large collection of masterwork slabs, coffins, tables and chairs, thousands of masterwork meals and even more alcohol (including sunshine) of various types, and at least 50% of the fortress is engraved, you have no reason to be stressed enough to become oblivious, tantruming or depressed.
Dear all the Urist McNogoblets.
We have over 100 of drinking things
Dear Urist McAnimaltrainers
Hurry up.
Dear Urist McMechanics
1. INSTALL THE CAGE TRAPS ALREADY
2. INSTALL AND HOOK UP THE LEVERS SO WE CAN KILL THE CAGED TROGLODYTES IN GLORIOUS ARENA COMBAT
Dear Urist McFarmers
Please build the new farms
Long-windedly,
Scourge the Overseer
Post by: Fleeting Frames on August 07, 2016, 02:29:28 pm
Dear all Urist McthirstysThis is no mere correlation.
Why are you drinking things outside near the corpses, if you drank inside in the dining room or the tavern you wouldn't have to deal with the vultures now would you?
Dear All of the Urist McStresseds
We have a statue garden filled with golden statues, a zoo, a legendary dining room, a tavern, a church, several more statues in the main entrance, golden roads and walls in the main entryway, a large collection of masterwork slabs, coffins, tables and chairs, thousands of masterwork meals and even more alcohol (including sunshine) of various types, and at least 50% of the fortress is engraved, you have no reason to be stressed enough to become oblivious, tantruming or depressed.
Post by: Wedolko on August 07, 2016, 05:30:36 pm
I swear to god if you dont take that candy crown off your damn head right now I'm going to lock you in a room until you die. I've Forbade it, I've tried telling you to dump it, my wont you listen?
Post by: Keaman on August 09, 2016, 01:08:56 am
Why do you and your other bard friends keep trying to walk past the giant forgotten beast dinosaur to eat a food? The only reason that gate is open is so we can lure the dinosaur into a trap; not so that you can go have a picnic. I could be wrong but I am pretty sure I never put a dining room in the caverns. Please stop ASAP; every one of you that dies is generating more hauling jobs and thus more innocent casualties.
Signed,
Your Loving Overseer
Post by: ForestDump on August 09, 2016, 03:25:55 am
Post by: Eric Blank on August 12, 2016, 06:31:34 pm
Everything is on fire.
Please try not to walk into patches of vegetation where fire is about to spread to.
Please evacuate to the nearest fire safety designated zone.
Please stop spamming complaints about not being able to drop off items that are outside these zones. That's not important at the moment.
Sincerely, upper management.
Post by: Fish Preferred on September 01, 2016, 11:03:48 pm
I know we've had our differences in the past -I cannot atone for the hundreds of soldiers slain and dismembered in a multitude of humerous ways at my command- but, seriously, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? It's been fifteen years since this settlement was founded, the babies have been booming like crundles, and I have yet to see a single one of you clods or find any evidence of your handiwork. Why? Is it because of the Grizzly Corridor of Horror? Or the grindgore device? Or the pulper? Because I can just turn those off for you. Honest.
Okay, maybe not the pulper, but you can just avoid that route anyway.
Sincerely, Your (Most?) Hated Enemy.
Dear Asob Pulleyshocks:
Stop puking on the vegetable pile. Yes, I know you can't help if you're nauseated by the sun, but you do not need to puke on the vegetable pile. We have plenty of dark and abyssal living quarters for you to play in. Stop exposing yourself to the blazing summer sun every time you want to play with a toy hammer. At the very least you should be capable of moving into the shade (or, you know, off the vegetable pile) before the uncontrollable retching starts. I've been quite lenient with your behaviour since your mother was driven insane by having nothing to do and being too busy doing nothing to see you, but if this behaviour continues you may just find your bedroom occupying the same space as the grindgore tracks.
Sincerely, Your Beloved Ruler.
Dear Unes Bucksoak the Lush Crab (Hill Titan):
While I was initially rather amused by your decision to fly directly into the underground garbage dump (i.e. mass grave for suicidal idiots and cow parts), your refusal to leave, either to face my firing squad or indeed even to stop an undefended bricklayer from sealing you in, has become something of an issue. You see, without a centralized location for the storage of idiot remains (and cow parts), most of these articles have simply been flung off a high bridge onto the farming village below. As you can probably imagine, the property value has since declined considerably. I am therefore currently in the process of plotting your untimely demise and would like to know what times work for you?
Sincerely, A Friend.
Post by: NeoSilverThorn on September 02, 2016, 12:36:37 am
I understand coffins were at something of a premium when the jewel setter went berserk. While sad, he died well after the first couple coffins were made and one was promptly set in the designated burial area. Please remove the corpse from the corpse stockpile and place him in one of the coffins. Now, before our horrified hunters scatter all the game and we starve.
Irately yours,
The Overseer
(Dictated but not read)
Post by: Pirate Santa on September 05, 2016, 01:29:27 am
I have had it with your Armokdamned bullshit, my formerly perfectly happy dwarves are suffering from tantrums and depression thanks to you.
From now on all keas who get within range of my settlement will be exterminated with black magic. A dozen of your brethren have already learned this final lesson.
You have been warned.
Sincerely,
Reality warping Overseer.
Dear Urist McSpearmaster,
I'd ask that next time you are driven to tantrum you refrain from picking fights with your fellow spearmasters while you're all in full uniform. But there will be no next time. You are dead. And the squadmate you assaulted didn't even suffer a scratch. Rot in hell you idiot.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Dear Urist McChild,
You have managed to hospitalize, among others, my only skilled animal trainer with your tantrums. Whats more you did it in the depths of winter when we have no water. If they dehydrate I will be locking you in a pit to suffer the same fate.
Sincerely,
Vengeful Overseer.
Post by: azrael4h on September 05, 2016, 01:44:43 am
I know you really don't give a flying capybara's behind about your children and loved ones being butchered by goblins. But when I tell you to install the coffins so I can have them buried, do not wait until they bodies have rotted completely away to nothingness. Build the bloody coffins! I dug out enough room for the rest of the military, and smoothed most of it before you built the first one!
Post by: Infinityforce on September 05, 2016, 06:28:25 pm
You REALLY did not need to jump down from that ledge in order to engage that cave crocodile in melee combat.
You are wielding a crossbow. You could easily have fired bolts through that channel on the floor above instead of jumping through it.
I'm sure you were very confident in your ability to use your crossbow as a hammer, despite having little-to-no experience in doing so, but now you're dead.
Thanks alot. Next time, use your bolts first, at least you could have softened it up before waltzing with it.
R.I.P.
(in hindsight, I should have put a grate over the channel, or constructed a fortification, instead of thinking; "there's no way a crossbowdwarf will jump down to, and run up to a cave crocodile.... right?".... wrong, in fact... very wrong... note to self: crossbow dwarves should be chained to a wall or something to ensure they don't leave their station/position)
Post by: scourge728 on September 05, 2016, 08:26:19 pm
Please stop trying to disprove physics when I turn my attention to something else (aka leaving dwarf fortress running in the background while doing other things), two of you CANNOT move into the same space, it sends reality back in time (aka a game crash)
tired of having to redo things,
Scourge the overseer
Post by: Fish Preferred on September 06, 2016, 10:26:45 pm
I must admit, your ability to jump through an isolated hole in the middle of the ceiling and climb across the exterior wall until you reach the point you started from is quite amazing. The way you performed five consecutive runs on an empty stomach without falling into the water hazard was made even more impressive by the fact that you did so without ever alerting the forgotten beast or any of the cave ogres to your presence - only a few yards away.
Great though my admiration is, it is tempered with no small amount of frustration, as I would much rather see you employ this superb gymnastic skill in the process of getting yourself inside, rather than sitting in the caverns like a dead plump helmet every time you rebuild the wall that divides the two. When next you decide to wall yourself in on the safe side, I would reccommend that you simply stay on that side and leave the daredevil stunts for more unsavoury situations.
Sincerely, A Concerned Onlooker
Attention all Urist McWhiningImbeciles:
I know you're upset by the lack of dining tables. Obviously, the interior designers have made a greivous and unforgivable error by neglecting to install one at every seat in the temple, bath house, and myriad bedrooms all over the fort for your every convenience. Rest assured that they will be reprimanded most sternly, and possibly even yelled at, for their oversight. In the meantime, feel free to use any of the auxiliary tables already prepared for you in the spacious dining/drinking hall directly above the food stockpiles while we sort this out.
In deepest sympathy, Your Beloved Overseer
Post by: Pirate Santa on September 08, 2016, 04:10:04 am
I am terribly sorry but as you may be aware due to a clerical error you have been convicted of one count of disorderly conduct and sentenced to be chained up in the dungeons for 26 days. I assure you that while your sentence cannot be amended I will ensure this will never happen again, and that the miscreant who did commit the crime you are accused of is going to suffer.
Sincerely,
Your apologetic Overseer.
Dear Urist McChild,
You are in so much trouble you little shit. I've got 40+ counts of disorderly conduct and one of building destruction pinned on you. Enjoy childhood while it lasts. Once you're an adult I'm sending you to the dungeons for a very very long time.
Sincerely,
Your vengeful Overseer.
Post by: AzyWng on September 10, 2016, 10:15:16 pm
Dear Urist McChild,
You are in so much trouble you little shit. I've got 40+ counts of disorderly conduct and one of building destruction pinned on you. Enjoy childhood while it lasts. Once you're an adult I'm sending you to the dungeons for a very very long time.
Sincerely,
Your vengeful Overseer.
I'd like to know what kind of parenting would result in that kind of behavior.
That way I know what not to do if I have kids.
Post by: Derro on September 11, 2016, 12:16:38 am
As you may remember, one of you tragically died to mysterious causes, which wasn't his fault. That means you shouldn't all run towards his corpse to steal his stuff, okay? Obviously I'm the guy who gets instant death dust, and who finds nearly every item on the surface is coated in it.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on September 11, 2016, 04:21:29 am
Post by: MonkeyHead on September 11, 2016, 09:25:29 am
Why have you suddenly started ignoring orders to move captured exotic beasts from crude wooden cages into the fancy cages in the zoo?
Yours, Overseer MonkeyHead
Post by: Pirate Santa on September 11, 2016, 09:14:28 pm
Seriously dude, how do you keep trapping yourself in inaccessible sections of the half completed Baron's mansion?
Please stop.
Sincerely,
Your impatient Overseer.
Post by: Derro on September 12, 2016, 02:22:38 pm
The next time you have a strange mood (never), please immediately move towards the section of the fortress I can lock down. You'd have made such a beautiful research object: now I'm going to have to hope you turn berserk so that I may at least get a vampire out of this.
Post by: wierd on September 13, 2016, 08:42:13 pm
While I am sure that the acorns just outside are a captivating and clearly cherished food item (that most certainly won't simply be sold off to the elves at a discount later), when I make an emergency burrow designation, activate a civilian alert, and have you assigned to it, I very much expect you to cancel your current take and head to the assigned meeting area.
I most certainly do not expect nor want you two idiots to keep picking up useless tree embryos when an envoy of "differently alive" persons of interest escort the local tower dwelling neighbor on his bi-yearly visit. Having to draft you two into an idiot brigade, and station you in the assigned meeting area was not my idea of a good time, and rest assured I liked it even less than you did, considering how you now complain about being discharged from the military.
I have half a mind to reassign you to the clay harvesting pits in the bowels of the fortress, where you can't possibly be any more trouble, but the idea of you being anywhere near magma fills me with existential dread.
Seriously. Acorns are not worth it. Just get inside like everyone else.
Post by: Henry47 on September 15, 2016, 08:36:22 am
When i remove you from the military, that means you are a civilian, which means you run away from the undead, not charge towards them and get your (useless) head made even more useless by the quick addition of the sharp end of a pike. Not only has your fool-hardiness caused your own death, it has also made it much harder to lure the undead into our cage traps, preventing me from ending the siege that has cut us off from the rest of the world.
Post by: Fish Preferred on September 18, 2016, 08:59:38 am
I gave you all one job: Take everything from the wagon and dump it all in the dugout. Instead, you brought two river trout and some stones inside and spent the next several hours loafing around the loaded wagon under the pretense of having "No Job". Then the evil rain came and you all passed out on the ground. Six times. In direct succession. Now you are all emotionally scarred and covered in cloying mucous. I hope you've learned a valuable lesson.
Dear Fishery Workers and Former Fisherdwarves:
Perhaps I wasn't being sufficiently clear. Maybe I need to explain your jobs to you using hand puppets and flash cards bearing colourful pictograms. Whatever the case, I feel it is necessary to inform you that nonstop fishing does not take precedence over cleaning the fish you have caught or taking them into storage. Any of you idiots found fishing off the top of an enormous mound of rotten catch will be sealed into a 1x1 underground room with it until further notice.
Spoiler: Illustration (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fleeting Frames on September 18, 2016, 10:28:05 am
Post by: Spectre9000 on September 18, 2016, 11:14:08 am
Whilst it amuses me to imagine you vomit-screaming your head off as you run away from a belligerent horde of undead, constantly being notified of you and the fact you aren't doing your assigned work are beginning to wear on me. The first time was enough, never mind the next 5 times you tried to pick up the socks of Urist McMechanic, whom moronically decided he wanted to go party with the undead earlier. I might also mention those socks are the very ones I've already expressly forbidden. I'm pretty sure that if there were undead there the several times you've gone already, there's going to continue to be undead there.
Let me receive one more notification, and I'll make a burrow specially for you right in the middle of all those undead you love so much, so that you can vomit-scream all over them whilst they tear you apart limb by limb; all in the (probably vain) hope that the next Urist that sees them will see your vomit dripping from their cold lifeless rotting limbs and hopefully think twice about ignoring me. I will make use of your dead lifeless vomit-covered corpse at the very least if you don't wish to obey my very simple orders.
Yours sincerely,
Your oh-so-done-with-your-shit Overseer.
Post by: Wedolko on September 18, 2016, 02:46:55 pm
You are a LEGENDARY appraiser. LEGENDARY. Your so important I don't have you do anything but haul trade goods and trade.
Our friends from the mountain homes are here, I told you to go to the depot and I'm sure they have the iron, pig iron, and steel bars I requested and some more booze we desperately need. So why are you sitting in the hallway with your thumb up your ass? You've had "no job" for days on end now and you can totally access the stupid depot, hell it's not even 50 squares away from the hallway you loiter around.
Dear outpost liaison and mayor,
why the hell do you wait until the caravan is about to leave to discuss pricing and needs? It's not like either of you are actually doing anything else important. Liaison, you just sat in the bar of my inn and drank yourself silly while my mayor wandered around aimlessly waiting for you.
With love and hatred and a need for resources,
Armok
Post by: wierd on September 18, 2016, 03:10:45 pm
Did you remember to request a trader at the depot? I can't work there unless there is a job posting!
Post by: Wedolko on September 18, 2016, 10:24:25 pm
Dear overseer Wedolko,
Did you remember to request a trader at the depot? I can't work there unless there is a job posting!
Yah I did, but I figured it out
Apparently he just needed me to save and quit out and then come back in.
Post by: TD1 on September 20, 2016, 04:24:53 pm
You will kindly note the platform I built around the riverside barracks. After the untimely passing of four of your associates, it was erected not only in their memory but for the betterment of all military personnel. Truly, it was an insightful solution on my part, and if it did prove to be a blight on the eye it, nevertheless, saved many lives. You know the cause of their deaths, I am sure - the entire Fort speaks of it. A goblin spear embedded in the throat is the accepted Dwarven death ritual, but these poor souls managed to activate an ancient teleportation spell during the intricate dance which is sparring. With no means of controlling this mystic art, they were promptly dumped into the river where they, just as promptly, asphyxiated. Again, I do not need to tell you this. Why, all things considered, would you then decide by Armok's fiery blade to spar outside the barracks and out of range of its protective platform? Somewhere in between putting your left foot out and then putting it in, you triggered ancient archaic magics and drowned to your death.
This serves as a poor eulogy, but frankly I have no time for the foolishness of my subjects, and so Dwarven Weekly is burdened with more critique of character than true lament. To restore a solemn feeling to my words, I conclude by saying: Rest in peace, you stupid bastard.
((I should note that this is within a walled area, so the Dwarves have to somehow go through the wall to kill themselves in the river. It's really annoying, but solved by creating a platform on the other side of the wall.))
Post by: Roofless on September 22, 2016, 05:34:43 am
((I should note that this is within a walled area, so the Dwarves have to somehow go through the wall to kill themselves in the river. It's really annoying, but solved by creating a platform on the other side of the wall.))
Find my post some pages earlier - mine were dodging through three-tile thick walls into a volcano below.
It's a known bug, as I found out.
Post by: TD1 on September 22, 2016, 09:11:37 am
Post by: muldrake on September 22, 2016, 01:56:59 pm
I get that you're tired after spending all that time building your own bedroom and hauling furniture into it.
But why are you sleeping in the hall outside your room in a pool of someone else's vomit next to a dead rotting horse?
Post by: Bumber on September 26, 2016, 03:21:56 am
Dear Urist McDumbass:Someone tried to make Urist an offer he couldn't refuse, but they botched it due to not being able to hold their booze.
I get that you're tired after spending all that time building your own bedroom and hauling furniture into it.
But why are you sleeping in the hall outside your room in a pool of someone else's vomit next to a dead rotting horse?
Elf conspiracy? Human? Goblin? You decide.
Post by: wierd on September 26, 2016, 12:18:42 pm
Just because I unlocked the door to the library to let you out, DOES NOT MEAN I WANT YOU TO STOCKPILE AN OBSIDIAN BOULDER ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE EMBARK, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU REFUSE TO COPY ANY BOOKS.
I went through all the trouble of creating a very nice library for you, with smoothed walls, fancy tables and chairs, storage for blank quires, book cases, and everything.
I assigned you, and 8 others a nice cooshy gig where all you have to do is make copies of books the visiting scholars feel compelled to write.
What do the lot of you do instead? Stand around lolligagging, and when I open the library door to let more scholars in, what do you do? BEELINE RIGHT FOR THE FARTHEST POSSIBLE BOULDER.
You are fortunate that I am a merciful, benevolent overseer, as other, more emotional overseers would arrange an "accident" for this kind of shameful disobedience.
Instead, I have removed all other labors from you and your fellow scribes. It is very simple. I dont want you to do ANYTHING ELSE, I only want you to copy books. If I catch you instead deciding that you need to hang around in the temple complex, or worse, decide that you need to dance with that rabble of goblin performers in the tavern, I will be most angry with you.
Post by: Fish Preferred on September 26, 2016, 09:04:06 pm
If the last five dwarves who ran out into the mucous rain to set that cage trap haven't returned yet, racing out after them with another cage probably isn't a good idea.
Dear Friends from the Mountainhomes:
What in Armok's name possessed you to send eleven more traders? We barely get enough trade for the broker to justify her own existence. Please send your unqualified unskilled salsedwarves elsewhere.
Dear Fruit Gatherers:
I assigned this task to nearly everyone in the hopes that you would be able to do the job more quickly as a group. I see now that I was in error. While I do appreciate that each of you took the time to pick up at least one berry, the aim of this exercise is to actually bring the fruit to an appropriate stockpile and then carry on with your lives. This is not complicated. Really. Just walk over to the food storage and drop whatever you collected in there. Don't stand out in the field holding one berry for weeks on end; it doesn't work.
Post by: PyroTechno on September 27, 2016, 11:43:12 am
Listen here, Urist McSoCalledScribe---
Just because I unlocked the door to the library to let you out, DOES NOT MEAN I WANT YOU TO STOCKPILE AN OBSIDIAN BOULDER ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE EMBARK, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU REFUSE TO COPY ANY BOOKS.
I went through all the trouble of creating a very nice library for you, with smoothed walls, fancy tables and chairs, storage for blank quires, book cases, and everything.
I assigned you, and 8 others a nice cooshy gig where all you have to do is make copies of books the visiting scholars feel compelled to write.
What do the lot of you do instead? Stand around lolligagging, and when I open the library door to let more scholars in, what do you do? BEELINE RIGHT FOR THE FARTHEST POSSIBLE BOULDER.
You are fortunate that I am a merciful, benevolent overseer, as other, more emotional overseers would arrange an "accident" for this kind of shameful disobedience.
Instead, I have removed all other labors from you and your fellow scribes. It is very simple. I dont want you to do ANYTHING ELSE, I only want you to copy books. If I catch you instead deciding that you need to hang around in the temple complex, or worse, decide that you need to dance with that rabble of goblin performers in the tavern, I will be most angry with you.
Check their personalities. Do they hate working, or some such?
Post by: Henry47 on September 27, 2016, 09:59:27 pm
Appears i was wrong, and now I've had to go to the trouble of creating an everywhere except the railway tracks burrow to put you in. Hopefully that should stop your stupidly, so your parents don't have to suffer like your poor friends.
Kind regards, Fortress Overseer who does no wish to have to be a nanny to his dwarves.
Post by: wierd on September 27, 2016, 10:09:27 pm
Listen here, Urist McSoCalledScribe---
Just because I unlocked the door to the library to let you out, DOES NOT MEAN I WANT YOU TO STOCKPILE AN OBSIDIAN BOULDER ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE EMBARK, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU REFUSE TO COPY ANY BOOKS.
I went through all the trouble of creating a very nice library for you, with smoothed walls, fancy tables and chairs, storage for blank quires, book cases, and everything.
I assigned you, and 8 others a nice cooshy gig where all you have to do is make copies of books the visiting scholars feel compelled to write.
What do the lot of you do instead? Stand around lolligagging, and when I open the library door to let more scholars in, what do you do? BEELINE RIGHT FOR THE FARTHEST POSSIBLE BOULDER.
You are fortunate that I am a merciful, benevolent overseer, as other, more emotional overseers would arrange an "accident" for this kind of shameful disobedience.
Instead, I have removed all other labors from you and your fellow scribes. It is very simple. I dont want you to do ANYTHING ELSE, I only want you to copy books. If I catch you instead deciding that you need to hang around in the temple complex, or worse, decide that you need to dance with that rabble of goblin performers in the tavern, I will be most angry with you.
Check their personalities. Do they hate working, or some such?
Already looked into. They have the "respects knowledge" and associated tags. They should be excellent scribes. They just won't copy anything. I will try recreating the library and reassigning them when I get home.
Post by: muldrake on September 28, 2016, 04:35:15 am
Dear Treehugger McCannibal:
I'm not sure exactly what you did to deserve being in my fortress eating food and doing whatever the hell else you think you're doing here. Apparently you consider yourself some kind of diplomat.
I'm not sure if you remember the last few months, even though you have been lurking around here annoying people for quite some time. But one of those events involved half the fortress being slaughtered by goblins, trolls, and beak dogs while we fought them off with mostly copper weapons but a few silver maces and hammers and so on.
We decided we needed steel at that point. So we needed some iron. Some more iron. Some flux stone. But we needed some sources of carbon, and those just happened to have included trees, because we have no damn sedimentary layers here.
Anyway, for a diplomat, you have lousy timing. And after yet another gobbo invasion, where we again took huge losses, we finally got steel production up and running and our troops have been happily sparring since.
And then you come to us with some whinging demand that we have somehow insulted something by cutting down some trees to do this.
I don't think you've noticed that you're the only filthy hippie scum in this fortress, and that you're surrounded by dwarves who have suffered enormously recently, and have armed themselves with steel, and have been practicing with it for a bit.
Well, guess what? We told your buddy here with your caravan last year to shove off with the tree quota thing.
Our troops need some practice besides sparring with each other with these new steel weapons.
Guess who's our next sparring partner? Except it won't be sparring, and you're not a partner.
(Treehugger McCannibal was not hard to kill after his insulting popup message complaining about trees.)
Post by: Madrigal on September 28, 2016, 05:01:45 pm
The river is frozen solid. I can’t get any water from it no matter how much I pump.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McExhausted
Dear Urist McFruitgatherer,
When you climbed up into a tree to gather fruit, you stood directly on the corpse of your buddy, who died last year after getting stuck in that tree. It wouldn't have been all that much effort to take the body down with you. Even just kicking it off the branches onto the ground would have been an improvement.
Yours truly,
The overseer.
Post by: Pirate Santa on September 29, 2016, 04:52:52 am
For the love of Armok stop falling into the river! Stop standing on bridges while they're being replaced! Stop swimming deeper into the river instead of climbing up onto dry land! And you! The mason who fell of a perfectly stable bridge from apparently sheer stupidity, what the circus!?
Sincerely,
Your incredibly annoyed Overseer.
Dear Urist McCMD
Congratulations on the promotion, try to be less of an idiot than your predecessor.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
Post by: muldrake on September 29, 2016, 02:25:26 pm
For the love of Armok stop falling into the river! Stop standing on bridges while they're being replaced! Stop swimming deeper into the river instead of climbing up onto dry land! And you! The mason who fell of a perfectly stable bridge from apparently sheer stupidity, what the circus!?
>tfw you have an idiot dwarf who does all these kinds of things
>and then they elect him mayor
>repeatedly
Post by: Pirate Santa on September 29, 2016, 06:31:58 pm
For the love of Armok stop falling into the river! Stop standing on bridges while they're being replaced! Stop swimming deeper into the river instead of climbing up onto dry land! And you! The mason who fell of a perfectly stable bridge from apparently sheer stupidity, what the circus!?
>tfw you have an idiot dwarf who does all these kinds of things
>and then they elect him mayor
>repeatedly
I'm actually really happy with the democratic process in this fort. They've elected my dedicated master brewer every year since we've been large enough to have a mayor. I can't help imagining he's paying off everyone with booze. Truly this is dwarven democracy at its finest. :P
Post by: Virex on October 02, 2016, 01:18:03 pm
Post by: wierd on October 02, 2016, 01:21:24 pm
Post by: userpay on October 02, 2016, 01:22:19 pm
Yes I know it's my fault that you all keep plummeting to your deaths. It is my first time with cave ins and I keep forgetting they're a thing. By the love of Armok could you at least have the decency to have been killed by the magma you somehow sink through safely rather than 'disappearing'?
Post by: Plump Helmet on October 15, 2016, 06:53:52 am
No.
Post by: Infinityforce on October 15, 2016, 03:02:23 pm
Quit wandering around outside. Dangerous crap lurks out here. Close the doors, and for GOD'S SAKE STOP LEAVING SOCKS IN DOORWAYS, YOU KNOW WE CAN'T CLOSE THEM-
Great. Now a werecreature/beast is in our fortress. Fucking great.
I spend an hour building enormous fences and roofing and I'm foiled by a dwarf's dirty sock. Fuck you Urist. Everyone is dead, and it's your fault.
Fuck.
Love, your overseer, who will abandon you and start a new fortress.
Post by: oldmansutton on October 17, 2016, 09:25:06 am
To the expedition leader who eventually had to have the tree he was stranded in chopped down, spent a considerable amount of time healing up from the resulting fall, lost the ability to stand, and gimps around on crutches now: "Stop going back up in the trees! You're an engraver now."
Post by: Dunamisdeos on October 17, 2016, 08:44:04 pm
Most of you are probably going to be forcefully turned into werebeasts in the near future.
Also, we are out of coffee paper.
With Love, your Overseer.
Post by: Derro on October 18, 2016, 01:08:47 am
When are you going to go insane? I want to see if you can topple that temple statue and get a cool trait. Instead, you just walk around boringly.
With impatient love,
Derro
Post by: pikachu17 on October 18, 2016, 09:31:14 am
To Adil "I Think I'll Come Off My Break to Build One Statue, Laze Around for a Bit, Then Immediately Take Another Break" Sheriktun:Did he go into the tavern, library, or temple, or did he actually go on a break, which isn't in the game anymore?
No.
Post by: Infinityforce on October 18, 2016, 12:50:39 pm
One day you will be free of oppression. Rigorous and demanding schedules will be no more, and you will live happily in the world.
Until then, move these rocks around and admire this grate, while you mine out a prison and arena for my experiments, which I intend to use to turn
Stop complaining and get back to work. I don't care if you need booze, your existence is worthless and I want you to dig your own grave as quickly and efficiently as possible. Throwing tantrums won't help either, so just quit it. Save your energy and strength for later in my dwarf-werebeast experiments, where you might get turned into a champion of the arena you're digging.
Use your strength to help ME. The alternative is that I chain you up in the prison you're currently digging, as entertainment for the other miners. Or I can chain you up as entertainment for the werebeast. Probably both.
Look, just hurry up and dig this pit so I can turn you into a werebeast within it.
Sincerely, Dunamisdeos.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on October 18, 2016, 01:10:22 pm
Dear outpost liaison,
When are you going to go insane? I want to see if you can topple that temple statue and get a cool trait. Instead, you just walk around boringly.
With impatient love,
Derro
@Derro: I'm going to try and mass-produce curse effects in captives soon.
@Dwarves: Same message.
Post by: ReynTheLord on October 18, 2016, 01:37:43 pm
Post by: Derro on October 19, 2016, 05:54:15 am
I wasn't too happy when you got yourself elected and forced me to spend precious time and platinum on getting you your living quarters, but I still don't understand how you got yourself stuck against the wall when the stairs you were on got deconstructed. At least all other dwarves had the decency of falling a few z-levels, breaking some bones, and resuming their jobs after medical care. You I couldn't get down until I build a completely new set of stairs.
Also, watch it with the dark humor. Banning the export of coffins is fine, but don't do so right after the aforementioned dwarves fell down.
Love, your overseer
Post by: sculleywr on October 25, 2016, 04:52:58 pm
I do not know what you did to manage to break your leg with pear wood logs while cutting down the tree. Did nobody teach you basic woodcutting safety? Oh well, at least you got enough wood cut to get our starting provisions made. You can die out there in the plains outside of Boatarmored. Your useless corpse shall stand as a reminder of what happens to incompetent morons in this fortress
Sincerely,
the impersonal voice that speaks in your heads
Post by: scourge728 on October 25, 2016, 07:51:52 pm
I don't CARE if there are inter-dimensional rifts all over the fortress JUST WALK AROUND THEM when you go IN them time flows backwards
Dear whoever is causing inter-dimensional rifts in my fortress
Stop or I swear when the mages finish the spells that let me break reality I WILL come for you, murder you, loot your place and force the rifts closed with duct tape if I have too
(Explanation for you all: Inter-dimensional rifts are unit-occupancy errors (or atleast I THINK that's what the error is), time flowing backwards is the game crashing, the spells that let me break reality is df-hack, finishing=updating, the mages are whoever makes that (I don't really feel like checking who atm)
Post by: sculleywr on October 26, 2016, 12:00:44 am
You took valuable time away from the farms that provide for our 60 hungry dwarves. What was the purpose of this? You decided to go make a freaking cup! A cup! The last two artifacts were actually useful. Our Captain of the Guard is armed with an artifact iron warhammer. There is an artifact quern built in our second workshop level. What possessed you to make a freaking cup? Get your ass back to the fields before I feed you to Boatarmor's atom smasher.
Post by: SQman on October 26, 2016, 02:31:34 am
Personally I don't think birds are scary, and I respect your right to have different opinions. What I don't accept is you completely cancelling work on important project because a kea is flying fifty meters above your heads. You could just smack it with a brick if it gets too close.
Post by: steel jackal on October 29, 2016, 09:46:48 pm
Post by: ReynTheLord on October 29, 2016, 10:32:55 pm
Instead of just letting the military and traps do their jobs.
Post by: steel jackal on October 30, 2016, 03:46:13 pm
Dear Dwarves, Stop thinking like this about an invading foce and rushing them(http://38.media.tumblr.com/2aa867b723d23ca52745efa7ceb370e8/tumblr_nj1s6lQ9Xa1s1rwswo2_250.gif)
Instead of just letting the military and traps do their jobs.
try a civilian alert to force all your dwarves to go to a certain burrow at the same time with just one click, usually works for me
Post by: azrael4h on October 30, 2016, 07:48:43 pm
Crossbows are, in general, useful at engaging enemies at range. Walls, in general, are for keeping enemies from reaching you. It is probably advisable not to leap off a 3-4 Urist high wall, incomplete or not, to fight against 40+ goblins with 15+ trolls and beaks dogs supporting them. It is less advisable to do so with just the two of you. At the least, get the Siegebreaker. She can fight large groups of foes at once, as evidenced by the 6 beak dogs she killed in the last siege before anyone else arrived. And is smart enough to use the conveniently placed gate, which was open to allow the enemies to be caught in cage traps for eventual arena duty.
Post by: Atarlost on October 30, 2016, 08:00:00 pm
Dear Urist and Urista McMarksdwarf:
Um, Urist is already a feminine name.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 30, 2016, 11:12:03 pm
Are names even gendered?Dear Urist and Urista McMarksdwarf:
Um, Urist is already a feminine name.
Post by: azrael4h on October 31, 2016, 05:07:23 am
Are names even gendered?Dear Urist and Urista McMarksdwarf:
Um, Urist is already a feminine name.
Not that I can tell.
I just defined it here specifically because I had a male and female marksdwarf who jumped down from a three urists high wall to go die. The wall wasn't finished yet, and I didn't even know they were up there when they were activated. They must have been actually building it on their off duty day.
Post by: pikachu17 on November 01, 2016, 09:43:38 am
Dear Urist McUselesswell, they CAN drink out of it. probably get more visitors, for siege help.
You took valuable time away from the farms that provide for our 60 hungry dwarves. What was the purpose of this? You decided to go make a freaking cup! A cup! The last two artifacts were actually useful. Our Captain of the Guard is armed with an artifact iron warhammer. There is an artifact quern built in our second workshop level. What possessed you to make a freaking cup? Get your ass back to the fields before I feed you to Boatarmor's atom smasher.
Post by: ReynTheLord on November 02, 2016, 09:48:59 am
Post by: Bumber on November 02, 2016, 11:14:44 pm
Dear Urist McAndMyAxe The woodcutter, Stop going missing in the first few days.Trees: The real most dangerous game.
Post by: spazyak on November 03, 2016, 01:01:01 am
In the game of trees you either win or get crushed by falling oak log x4Dear Urist McAndMyAxe The woodcutter, Stop going missing in the first few days.Trees: The real most dangerous game.
Post by: Atarlost on November 03, 2016, 02:02:58 am
Post by: mikekchar on November 03, 2016, 08:04:49 am
try a civilian alert to force all your dwarves to go to a certain burrow at the same time with just one click, usually works for me
I should probably put this in the facepalm thread, but I couldn't believe the effect when you put your squad on "inactive" and then set up a burrow alert. Dwarfs in the middle of battle will retreat! Maybe not 100%, but enough that it's effective. You can even creatively create burrows to flank enemies as long as your squad is not active. As soon as you set them active again, they attack. it's awesome.
Post by: ReynTheLord on November 03, 2016, 01:23:46 pm
I Have more steel than what I know what to do with, and you guys aren't doing any work!
Post by: Bumber on November 03, 2016, 09:15:50 pm
Or they snatch you and you die of thirst.In the game of trees you either win or get crushed by falling oak log x4Dear Urist McAndMyAxe The woodcutter, Stop going missing in the first few days.Trees: The real most dangerous game.
Post by: Vrakanas on November 04, 2016, 02:19:37 pm
Don't bother giant black mambas.
It wasn't bothering you, and you had no business attacking and punching the thing to death because you hate snakes.
Poor bugger never stood a chance.
Post by: JumpingJack on November 04, 2016, 06:11:19 pm
Dear Urist McFruitgatherer,Dear Overseer,
Don't bother giant black mambas.
It wasn't bothering you, and you had no business attacking and punching the thing to death because you hate snakes.
Poor bugger never stood a chance.
I identify as a mongoose. Don't discriminate.
Signed, Urist McSnakeEater
Post by: carnivorn on November 06, 2016, 12:56:50 am
While I'm glad that you all value knowledge so much, do you really need to read every single book in the fortress? Not to mention, why do you feel the urge to take books off of shelves and immediately put them back*? If I want to get anything done I have to forbid all the books and lock you out of the library!
Well no more. As of the new year, you're all taking a mandatory sabbatical until you can get this "reading" phase out of your systems and get back to combat practice, like proper dwarves.
(*correction)
Post by: Thisfox on November 07, 2016, 10:58:00 pm
We gladly traded a pile of musical bells for clothes, we've been too busy breaching aquifers to bother with the whole cloth-making thing. But all these clothes are made from forgotten-beast silk. It has us worried. Is there something you're not telling us about your home?
--The Dwarves.
Post by: Bignate3002 on November 12, 2016, 11:13:42 am
DONT DRAG EMU CORPSES THROUGH THE BLOODY GOBLINS YA DAFT FOOL
Love, Nathanial Mcleadsdwarves the 5th
Post by: Thisfox on November 12, 2016, 05:54:08 pm
Thankyou for making all those coffins and slabs. We're going to need them. You, on the other hand, are not likely to die. Ever. So we just elected you Mayor. Enjoy. Please wall yourself into that room you're in, while we're busy assembling your 50 flatpack coffins and carving your 50 slabs, and walling in your son, whom you have just now successfully infected with your disease. Have a nice unlife. Thanks to you and your son, I guess this fort will never die.
--The remaining two uninfected dorfs in the fort.
P.S. Wereboar piglets are no doubt adorable.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on November 12, 2016, 07:06:28 pm
Terrible tidings are here. The experiments involving goblin captives has failed. They won't behave in such a way as to let themselves be infected by our RESEARCH MATERIEL and survive. How inconsiderate!
Luckily, my dear Urists, you excel in this kind of considerate, helpful behavior. You are very likely to be infected and then scamper away in terror. Not like those nasty, rude goblins. They allowed themselves to be eaten instead.
I hope you look forward to your contribution to KNOWLEDGE as much as I. Also, demanding pewter objects in your dear little cells is unacceptable. You shall have none.
Thank you
~Your dearest, favorite Overseer
Post by: LordKnows on November 12, 2016, 11:10:43 pm
The ballots are in, and you elected a goblin dancer as the new mayor. A Goblin. Dancer.
Our old mayor was one of the original seven who forged this fortress on the edge of the haunted wastes and in high standing, he ran this fortress for years, he has an adorned golden statue atop the great tower like other leaders of the fortress, and now you elect this newcomer goblin weirdo. I am NOT building a golden statue of a goblin dancer no matter what. Sure, he came from a troupe who have wandered the world for over 800 years before being accepted into our midst and so he has a way with words and stuff, but still, proper dorfs should never let themselves be swayed by such petty things, especially from a goblin.
Post by: draeath on November 13, 2016, 12:03:41 pm
Dear Urists of Shakenirons
The ballots are in, and you elected a goblin dancer as the new mayor. A Goblin. Dancer.
Our old mayor was one of the original seven who forged this fortress on the edge of the haunted wastes and in high standing, he ran this fortress for years, he has an adorned golden statue atop the great tower like other leaders of the fortress, and now you elect this newcomer goblin weirdo. I am NOT building a golden statue of a goblin dancer no matter what. Sure, he came from a troupe who have wandered the world for over 800 years before being accepted into our midst and so he has a way with words and stuff, but still, proper dorfs should never let themselves be swayed by such petty things, especially from a goblin.
Sounds like that bard rolled a natural 20. It also sounds like your fortress is about due for an unfortunate workplace accident.
Post by: scourge728 on November 13, 2016, 04:09:32 pm
Why are you suspending the placement of beds for being "unable to reach site" when the actual problem is an item in the spot where the bed needs to be built?
Dear Urist McFlyfear
I know giant flies are creepy, but it is very far above you and not even at your destination, so WHY did you SUSPEND THE BUILDING OF THE WALL!?
Post by: StarWars1981 on November 14, 2016, 05:34:42 pm
Dear Urists McConfuseds,
Why, oh why, just oh freaking why, are the only people I know (in my adventurer) you dwarves? Living in ELVEN treehouses? Not only do I not fly, YOU don't either. How do you do anything from up there? And why, just why, are you there in the first place? There's more Human and Dwarven treehouse locations than I can keep track of on the global map, and yet you're in the ELVEN forest retreats! And then, when I ask you, a random Elf whose only claim to fame is the murders of two ambushing DWARVES, do you follow me immediately?
Oh, you Dwarves are fools.
Your new Adventuring Overlord,
The Maniacal Elf with a Spear, Shield, and Four Insane Companion Dwarves
Post by: Moonstone_Flower on November 16, 2016, 02:34:59 am
Trees are not VTOLports. Wagons are not VTOL craft. Please do not land the wagon on top of a tree in the future - especially when you are possibly the last dwarfs in the world and all of our supplies are in the not-a-VTOL wagon. Should you decide to do so, do not abandon the wagon before landing, stranding the wagon and all of our supplies on top of said tree!
~ A confounded overseer with more aviation training than any of you morons
P.S. How do you mistake a wagon for a VTOL craft?!
P.P.S. To the five of you that immediately abandoned the hill where you landed and climbed the not-a-VTOLport tree: Are you elves in disguise? Allow me to remind you that we are next to a volcano.
P.P.P.S. If I discover turbofans mounted on the wagon, I swear to the stars above that I'm going to [FURTHER TEXT REDACTED]
Post by: Thisfox on November 17, 2016, 05:01:16 pm
Dear Whoever-Drove-The-Wagon,
Trees are not VTOLports. Wagons are not VTOL craft. Please do not land the wagon on top of a tree in the future - especially when you are possibly the last dwarfs in the world and all of our supplies are in the not-a-VTOL wagon. Should you decide to do so, do not abandon the wagon before landing, stranding the wagon and all of our supplies on top of said tree!
~ A confounded overseer with more aviation training than any of you morons
P.S. How do you mistake a wagon for a VTOL craft?!
P.P.S. To the five of you that immediately abandoned the hill where you landed and climbed the not-a-VTOLport tree: Are you elves in disguise? Allow me to remind you that we are next to a volcano.
P.P.P.S. If I discover turbofans mounted on the wagon, I swear to the stars above that I'm going to [FURTHER TEXT REDACTED]
"So, cut down the tree!"
"With what?"
"With the axes we brought with us!"
"The axes which are currently packed in the wagon, up a tree?"
"...yes. Yes. Those axes..." {facedesk}
Post by: Bumber on November 17, 2016, 08:15:26 pm
"Suppose we buildDear Whoever-Drove-The-Wagon,
Trees are not VTOLports. Wagons are not VTOL craft. Please do not land the wagon on top of a tree in the future - especially when you are possibly the last dwarfs in the world and all of our supplies are in the not-a-VTOL wagon. Should you decide to do so, do not abandon the wagon before landing, stranding the wagon and all of our supplies on top of said tree!
~ A confounded overseer with more aviation training than any of you morons
P.S. How do you mistake a wagon for a VTOL craft?!
P.P.S. To the five of you that immediately abandoned the hill where you landed and climbed the not-a-VTOLport tree: Are you elves in disguise? Allow me to remind you that we are next to a volcano.
P.P.P.S. If I discover turbofans mounted on the wagon, I swear to the stars above that I'm going to [FURTHER TEXT REDACTED]
"So, cut down the tree!"
"With what?"
"With the axes we brought with us!"
"The axes which are currently packed in the wagon, up a tree?"
"...yes. Yes. Those axes..." {facedesk}
Post by: wierd on November 17, 2016, 08:49:20 pm
Can't issue "harvest clay" without a kiln!
Post by: Nyxalinth on November 18, 2016, 07:53:24 pm
I miss you guys. I know I haven't visited you in ages, but I just started a new job. I promise I'll check in to see what stupidity you've gotten yourselves into now really soon.
Signed,
Your overseer
Post by: imperium3 on November 19, 2016, 05:55:24 pm
Please stop vomiting all over my nice new constructions.
Regards,
Overseer.
Post by: Error 404 on November 19, 2016, 06:58:02 pm
next time I tell you to mine undiscovered stone don't mine the one that links to the magma lake
or at least don't vaporize the 5 miners with you
regards,
error 404
Post by: pikachu17 on November 22, 2016, 11:33:17 am
I had you pegged as 'Useless Litast' the second you came to our dying fort, as you had no useable skills. I was wrong.
when Tulon(the marksdwarf from the caravan that pretty much single-handedly saved our fort.) was separated from his caravan, and attacked by giant magpie zombies, you rushed to help. you died a heroic death saving Tulon from the same.
Today, my dwarves toast your sacrifice. may, we honor your memory.
love, Pikachu17
P.S. you will be the only dwarf in my fort with the honor of being buried. however the tomb will be locked, in case you turn into a zombie.
Post by: Weizen1988 on December 01, 2016, 08:03:08 am
Why did you pick up basalt blocks and take a nap (a sixth is currently still alive sleeping under a tree for armok knows why, hasnt been spotted yet) when I ordered you back inside the gates into your burrow to escape the goblin siege? You werent hauling them, you were listed as "no job" so why were you just milling around carrying them? Its your own faults the gate had to be shut when you were 3 squares from safety, you could have dropped those rocks. Instead you stood around until you saw goblins, -then- dropped them and scattered when it was already too late.
Post by: imperium3 on December 01, 2016, 08:54:02 am
I don't know why you decided to do a quick jog to and from the dining room on the other side of the fortress at the very time that cyclops reached our gates. What I do know is that you abandoned your fellow soldier to a horrible death. And if he had still been around, maybe the cyclops wouldn't have proceeded to kill you as well.
Regards,
Your overseer.
P.S. I suppose I should be cross with the marksdwarves who pulled the same stunt, but they at least came back and turned the beast into a pincushion, whereas you came back and died like a sissy.
Post by: spazyak on December 01, 2016, 06:19:01 pm
Look, I get it that vultures scare some of you, especialy when they come back as undead after you kill them. But how the hell did you guys let one get so deep it was harrassing the magma forges, even causing one dwarf to fall into magma! Either you guys are going to do your jobs or I'll see how far into in the black wastes full of undead you can go.
From,
An annoyed overseer
Ps. At least no one had to bury a body.
Post by: imperium3 on December 02, 2016, 07:49:48 am
Post by: Evonix on December 02, 2016, 05:24:07 pm
You punched an alligator so hard all it's teeth flew out... Can I have your autograph?
An amazed overseer
Dear Clubbing(macing) mum:
I know dwarves are famed for getting the strangest sorts of problems but how in the name of the circus did you get stuck half starved, at the top of a tree, in the middle of a lake, deep underground, WITH YOUR #### KID!?!? I do not even understand how this could have been possible.
An amazed overseer.
Post by: Nep Nep on December 02, 2016, 10:21:13 pm
Stop keeping an item in a building site and suspending it when the item can be used to build it being the same material, I get that it's a designated item, but come on!
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 03, 2016, 01:28:57 am
Dear Clubbing(macing) mum:That's...Like...All of the things, at once.
I know dwarves are famed for getting the strangest sorts of problems but how in the name of the circus did you get stuck half starved, at the top of a tree, in the middle of a lake, deep underground, WITH YOUR #### KID!?!? I do not even understand how this could have been possible.
An amazed overseer.
Just watch the tree be load-bearing and magma come in from somewhere.
Post by: spazyak on December 03, 2016, 02:36:19 am
So the mum dies, babby soon after, dad goes on a tantrum and someone bashes the lever holding the lava back.Dear Clubbing(macing) mum:That's...Like...All of the things, at once.
I know dwarves are famed for getting the strangest sorts of problems but how in the name of the circus did you get stuck half starved, at the top of a tree, in the middle of a lake, deep underground, WITH YOUR #### KID!?!? I do not even understand how this could have been possible.
An amazed overseer.
Just watch the tree be load-bearing and magma come in from somewhere.
Post by: Azereiah on December 03, 2016, 04:05:10 am
Post by: Dezzo on December 05, 2016, 04:14:50 am
Please stop getting into bar fights with the sergal mercenaries.
I know you think you can take them when you're so heavily intoxicated but... you can't. Stop trying. The hospital isn't even fully finished yet.
Sincerely, Dez.
PS The inverse goes for the nevreans. Bird people are fragile.
Post by: Atarlost on December 09, 2016, 04:39:23 am
When you are called to go into battle you should stop what you're doing and go. Hint: stopping a hauling job means dropping the heavy object you're carrying. It will let you get to the fight faster and it will allow someone else to take over the hauling job while you're busy.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on December 09, 2016, 05:58:55 am
Nah. Watch it to be too-thin bottom cavern layer, and when tree is remove the cave-in causes a magma piston effect, spewing magma 10z into your tunnels.So the mum dies, babby soon after, dad goes on a tantrum and someone bashes the lever holding the lava back.Dear Clubbing(macing) mum:That's...Like...All of the things, at once.
I know dwarves are famed for getting the strangest sorts of problems but how in the name of the circus did you get stuck half starved, at the top of a tree, in the middle of a lake, deep underground, WITH YOUR #### KID!?!? I do not even understand how this could have been possible.
An amazed overseer.
Just watch the tree be load-bearing and magma come in from somewhere.
Post by: Thisfox on December 18, 2016, 04:47:51 pm
I realise you were pushed into this job when our old Mayor literally refused to dig himself out of the pit he dug himself into. But you brought your current exile in the Caverns with a werecoyote as your only companion apon yourself. First you mandated ballista bolts we didn't need, then you demanded a sterling silver armour stand in your office. We don't have sterling silver, we don't even have any silver, and your demands were unreasonable. I've dropped a pick in there for you to dig with, and honestly, if the Captain of the Guard turns into a werecoyote again, you're welcome to try digging him with the pick as well. We won't judge.
Looking forward to the next Mayorial election!
--The Populace of Helmsanvils.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on December 18, 2016, 04:51:57 pm
Post by: Thisfox on December 19, 2016, 04:52:57 am
Post by: Fleeting Frames on December 19, 2016, 05:18:59 am
I doubt your mayor can tantrum unless they're already very stressed or maybe stressed (like I said, I've never had a tantrum), in which case I'd like you to share your torture methods.
Post by: scourge728 on December 19, 2016, 06:19:20 pm
Please stop sending BABIES
Post by: FakerFangirl on December 19, 2016, 09:57:55 pm
Post by: gunpowdertea on December 20, 2016, 01:49:37 pm
I've never had even a stressed dwarf in the actual forts I've ran, and even in testforts never seen a tantrum.
I doubt your mayor can tantrum unless they're already very stressed or maybe stressed (like I said, I've never had a tantrum), in which case I'd like you to share your torture methods.
I had them - they are not that common any more, but they are still (occasionally) happening.
Note to Urist McTantrum:
Yes, seeing goblin teeth and toenails of trogs is really bad. Get over it already and dump the stuff in that corner under the ...
.
.
.
oh... you just destroyed the hatches. Now everybody walking past will get stressed. Great. The guard is on your tail, and I hope this time you will feel the full force of justice!
Post by: Pirate Santa on December 21, 2016, 04:10:45 am
Your cloak is obstructing construction of the central spire's support columns.
I respectfully request that you please MOVE IT BEFORE I HAVE YOU LOCKED OUT IN THE DESERT TO DIE.
Sincerely,
Management.
Post by: Thisfox on December 21, 2016, 09:21:59 pm
My cloak is trapped in the door jamb. Please deconstruct the door, and put the door somewhere else, so I can get the cloak out from under it.
Sending me out to die in the desert will just lead to you not getting those plump helmets you ordered last spring.
Thanks,
Atir Kolamost, Farmer.
Post by: Pirate Santa on December 21, 2016, 10:00:30 pm
You will be missed. Your legendary battle with the multiple dwarf slaying axegoblin will be recounted in our legends for years to come.
A memorial shrine is being erected in your honor on the site of your sacrifice. On behalf of everyone in Rumoredmerchants, we thank you.
Deepest respects,
Management.
@Thisfox
There wasn't even a door. It was way up top of fort, the whole areas a construction zone. Nothing but staircases and and half finished pillars that will eventually support the noble quarters.
Post by: Pirate Santa on December 26, 2016, 05:39:36 pm
Constructing that wall wouldn't be so dangerous if you didn't insist on walking through an operating reactor to get to it.
And for Armok's sake stop dumping your materials in the damned reactor!
Sincerely,
Management.
Post by: pikachu17 on December 27, 2016, 11:49:33 am
I understand that you decided to become the new queen of our government, but WHY CAN'T YOU CONTINUE IN THE ARMY!?! YOU WERE MY ONLY LIVING SOLDIER! HOW AM I GOING TO DEFEAT THE KEA MENACE NOW!?
With respect, your highness,
Pikachu17.
Dear Serpent woman blowgunner,
Are you comfortable under that bridge? Do you need something? Something like your face bashed in? your race killed my second-to-last soldier! Sadly I can't currently get your skull crushed, because my last soldier defected due to royalty, But I promise your race shall pay for killing Might Mouse. DO YOU HEAR ME?
YOU SHALL PAY!!!
With hatred,
Pikachu17, the mighty.
Post by: Ironfang on December 27, 2016, 12:54:37 pm
Please stop sending all these farmers. I know that the marsh lands are filled with many plants to grow, and millers and planters are needed. But we are also sitting on top of massive amounts or coal, iron, and flux. Please instead of sending the multitudes of children, cheesemakers, and gelders, send a weapon smith, or perhaps someone with an once of creativity to possibly do something with all the plant fibers.
Sincerely
Overseer of a dry swamp with a lazy river.
Post by: scourge728 on December 27, 2016, 01:07:53 pm
Post by: Ironfang on December 27, 2016, 02:13:05 pm
Post by: kaysic on December 29, 2016, 10:35:28 am
You were a legendary+5 brewer. You could keep up with the best of 'em, to the point that you ran out of work to do. I can respect that, man, I really can.
What I can respect is the fact that, of all the jobs in the fort to choose from, you decided to help take down the scaffolding in the temple project. And you did so in the literal only way that could result in catastrophe; one tile was designated last for deconstruction, yet you, for lack of access to the other ones, went to it first, triggering a cave-in as three levels of floor fell through the three below.
The miners/builders were fine. Their jobs require toughness, and so a little dust and a fall set them back a broken arm or two at MOST. You, however, managed to not only collapse the entire scaffolding, but you did so while standing on it, falling to your own doom and splattering across the pulpit.
Damnit, Urist.
Post by: YetAnotherLurker on January 01, 2017, 03:53:19 pm
Yes, I know there are Giant Flies up in the air above our fortress. There have been Giant Flies flying over our fortress regularly for the past ten years. They are both harmless and edible, and the barracks for the Marksdwarf squad is situated on the roof for this very reason. Furthermore, every last one of you is wearing your militia-issued steel mail shirt and short sword. There is no conceivable way for them to harm you. Please, for the love of the gods, stop panicking at the sight of them, abandoning your work, and running around atop our walls in full view of the besieging army. Unlike the aforementioned insects, they are both willing and able to cause you significant bodily injury.
Your overseer.
To Vicira Quicoyemeni, Queen of the Elves of Fevumina,
We regret to inform you that Mame Nedumeyi, the diplomat your dispatched to our fortress of Bridgethunders, capital of the Creative Dyes, has passed away following a spectacular lapse in judgement. As you may be aware, we bear you no particular animus, as evidenced by the past ten years of peaceful trade. Your merchants' cargoes of exotic animals and unusual musical instruments have always been welcome and appreciated here, and in return we have complied with your requests to limit our woodcutting. However, this year, your diplomat's arrival was significantly delayed, presumably due to the recent attack on our fortress by the Nakashim. As a result, he did not arrive at Bridgethunders until mid-Summer, coinciding with the arrival of the human merchant caravan and their accompanying diplomatic mission. Upon concluding his meeting and retiring to the tavern, Mame Nedumeyi suffered his bout of temporary insanity, as he proceeded to attack the bodyguard of the human Guild Representative with his bare hands, in full view of his well-armed companions and multiple visiting mercenaries, with predictable results.
We would like to repeat that he brought his death upon himself, and that we of Bridgethunders were in no way responsible for his passing. However, should you blame us for his misadventure, please take note of the condition of the landscape outside of our front gates. Pay particular attention to the hundreds of skeletons, amid thousands of shattered bolts and pools of blood. We hope you draw the proper conclusions. We also suggest that you take greater care in the selection and training of your diplomatic personnel in the future.
Limul Lederar, Queen of the Creative Dyes
P.S. We also regret to inform you that we are presently unable to return Mr. Nedumeyi's remains to his family. Frankly, there were a lot of pieces, and we have no idea where they all went.
To the Smiths' Guild of Bridgethunders,
As part of efforts to improve our standard of living and commemorate the tenth anniversary of our founding, we recently commissioned a series of fine statues from you all. We required only that their subject matter relate to our fortress in some way, but left the specific details up to your discretion. We recently took delivery of your works, and while we are satisfied overall, we do have a question. Most of you produced fine depictions of our glorious history, notable citizens, or our gods. However, we would like to ask Catten Edtulbomrek as to why she saw fit to produce no fewer than five gold statues of Etur Logemmegom being hit by a feather wood minecart when she was one year old? Etur suffered almost no injuries from the event, nor was it in any way notable or memorable.
Regards, the civic council of Bridgethunders.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: kaysic on January 01, 2017, 05:07:56 pm
Quote
Etur suffered almost no injuries from the event, nor was it in any way notable or memorable.
Ah, but you see, the statue is not necessarily about Etur's "accident." Rather, it is a commemoration of a comic irony in Dwarven culture - the stoutness of the dwarven child prevailing over the death-trap that minecarts so usually are. What your records fail to state is that not only did Etur receive no injury from the incident, they were in fact so sturdy that the minecart received a sizeable dent. Stories of the incident have been hyperbolized from Etur being struck by the minecart, to Etur intentionally standing in front of the cart as a test of strength, to Etur being some sort of memetic hunter, tracking down and headbutting minecarts wherever they lurk.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on January 02, 2017, 09:49:02 am
Compared to that, statues of gods seem trite.
Post by: Ironfang on January 02, 2017, 03:23:26 pm
Post by: Thisfox on January 03, 2017, 08:12:07 pm
Post by: pikachu17 on January 04, 2017, 10:42:35 am
In some places you would be referred to as a 'minority', but considering you outnumber us 32.5 to one, this seems incorrect.
Why exactly did all 130 of you join us? I guess it's good, because maybe any attacking fire imps might speak diplomatically with you, instead of just burning us to the ground.
with regards,
Your singed overseer.
Post by: YetAnotherLurker on January 04, 2017, 01:08:17 pm
Paging the Broker of GuildPlunge, please report to the trade area immediately. Repeat: Paging the broker. You have had a sleep, have eaten, and had a drink, so you have no more ways of sodding procrastinating left open to you. Paging the broker of Guildplunge, please report to the trade area immediately....Urist McBroker withdraws from society...
Urist McBroker cancels Trade at Depot: Taken by mood.
Post by: Eric Blank on January 04, 2017, 04:11:52 pm
Post by: anewaname on January 04, 2017, 04:55:14 pm
Stories of the incident have been hyperbolized from Etur being struck by the minecart, to Etur intentionally standing in front of the cart as a test of strength, to Etur being some sort of memetic hunter, tracking down and headbutting minecarts wherever they lurk.Huzzah! Another tavern tale is born.
Post by: Thisfox on January 04, 2017, 05:04:29 pm
Paging the Broker of GuildPlunge, please report to the trade area immediately. Repeat: Paging the broker. You have had a sleep, have eaten, and had a drink, so you have no more ways of sodding procrastinating left open to you. Paging the broker of Guildplunge, please report to the trade area immediately....Urist McBroker withdraws from society...
Urist McBroker cancels Trade at Depot: Taken by mood.
<facedesk> If it's another goddamn leather sceptre, I am giving you a choice between Cavern Level 1: Steaming Forgotten Beast and Cavern Level 2: Spitting Forgotten Beast, for the rest of your natural life.
Urist McBroker cancels trade at depot: interrupted by capybara
I've had worse. "Urist McBroker has turned into a werewolverine!" .....Most surprised elvish traders EVER.
Post by: Ironfang on January 04, 2017, 07:31:34 pm
I am deeply sorry for your loss, but the death of the appraiser of legends is a tragedy for us all. None know why Urist decided to take part in underground trap setting. All that we do know, is that Jabberers appear to be vengeful. Please take solace in the fact that they were paralyzed below the neck while they bled out on the mossy floor while other civilians fled for their lives until the military arrived.
Sincerely-Your Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on January 04, 2017, 09:01:18 pm
I've had worse. "Urist McBroker has turned into a werewolverine!" .....Most surprised elvish traders EVER.
Yeah, that's pretty bad. I've had were beasts turn in the middle of the mead hall during a performance actually, but were brokers have never been an issue.
Post by: ReynTheLord on January 04, 2017, 11:47:23 pm
"I'm stiiiilll... in a dream, Urist mcSnakeEaterrrrrrrrrrrr...."Dear Urist McFruitgatherer,Dear Overseer,
Don't bother giant black mambas.
It wasn't bothering you, and you had no business attacking and punching the thing to death because you hate snakes.
Poor bugger never stood a chance.
I identify as a mongoose. Don't discriminate.
Signed, Urist McSnakeEater
Now, with that out of the way.
Dear Urist McDoomguy
Yes, digging into the circus may be "Fun", but at least wait till we AT LEAST HAVE A FUNCTIONING FORT UNTIL YOU UNLEASH THE CLOWN CAR! Another issue, uristMcLazybum, stop treating hauling as priority number one.
Urist McDarwinAward, your name is all the explanation I need.
Post by: pikachu17 on January 06, 2017, 03:40:07 pm
Urist McDarwinAward, your name is all the explanation I need.Explanation maybe, but not enough story. How did McDarwinAward earn his award?
Post by: ReynTheLord on January 06, 2017, 04:11:15 pm
Urist McDarwinAward, your name is all the explanation I need.Explanation maybe, but not enough story. How did McDarwinAward earn his award?
Urist McDarwinAward Decided to go out into the underground caverns near a hostile megabeast to "Gather spider silk" and shit.
Post by: pikachu17 on January 06, 2017, 04:35:52 pm
Ah, the old "go to the danger collecting something unnecessary, then get killed by the danger and drop clothing that someone else can collect" thing.Urist McDarwinAward, your name is all the explanation I need.Explanation maybe, but not enough story. How did McDarwinAward earn his award?
Urist McDarwinAward Decided to go out into the underground caverns near a hostile megabeast to "Gather spider silk" and shit.
Post by: muldrake on January 10, 2017, 09:58:43 am
Ah, the old "go to the danger collecting something unnecessary, then get killed by the danger and drop clothing that someone else can collect" thing.
I think that's the most annoying feature of webslinging beasts. Despite being absurdly dangerous, they leave these attractive nuisances everywhere. Of course, a combo of a cave spider and a forgotten beast sometimes lead to the same result.
Post by: anewaname on January 10, 2017, 09:11:56 pm
I think that's the most annoying feature of webslinging beasts. Despite being absurdly dangerous, they leave these attractive nuisances everywhere. Of course, a combo of a cave spider and a forgotten beast sometimes lead to the same result.Yep. 500+ FB silk threads in my cave now.
Post by: ReynTheLord on January 10, 2017, 10:13:11 pm
STOP BESERKING WHENEVER YOU EAT!
Post by: Ironfang on January 16, 2017, 08:31:38 pm
How in Armok's name did you get stuck on top of a cedar tree!
Seriously! How could you do that? Did you climb up there? Are you a gatherer? What gives?
Did the tree just grow while you were standing on it?
Sincerely-Your Pus covered overseer.
Post by: ReynTheLord on January 17, 2017, 05:58:40 pm
Yes, Gathering webs for thread is an important job.
Yes, I can't make cloth for shit otherwise.
No, That does not mean going near that GCS is a good idea
Unless you lure it into a cage trap.
Which you never do.
Post by: Thisfox on January 17, 2017, 08:50:14 pm
This is your final warning. We are walling in the caverns RIGHT NOW. If you don't return by the time the wall is finished, consider yourself a settler. You'll have plenty of friends: There are at least two forgotten beasts in there with you as of five minutes ago.
--The Management.
Post by: Nilbert on January 18, 2017, 04:54:06 pm
You along with all other non-essential dwarves have been assigned outside construction duties to assist our Madam Mayor in building a new visitors center. You have been given your duty for over a year, and all of your fellow dwarves have taken to their work happily. They are all used to the harsh sunlight while you seem to have just seen the light for the first time. Yes, I know it is harsh and you did feel the strong need to listen to bad poetry, but did you really have to volunteer to carry the last block into the visitor's center? Do you know that this is to be a show place for Madam Mayor? I wish to inform you that Madam Mayor is not pleased with the disgusting trail that you left that cannot be cleaned up as the visitors center is directly underneath the new retracting visitors entrance. I also wish to remind you of Madam Mayor's short temper. Do you not remember what happened to your cousin twenty years ago when she was standing too close to Madam Mayor? That's right. Speared to death for just standing in Madam Mayor's personal space. Please consider yourself lucky, and this your first and last warning. Any additional lapses in judgement means that you will assist Madam Mayor in welcoming our next visitors.
Sincerely,
Your Overly Generous Overseer
Post by: Staalo on January 23, 2017, 03:02:24 am
aren't you supposed to be somewhere else? You told me you were packing up and starting to leave, but now a year has passed and there you still are. Your pack animals are having calves right there on the depot floor. That can't be hygienic. Why aren't you leaving?
also, attention all citizens of Roughcopper,
please stop looting those vile, skid-marked, troll flea-infested loincloths from dead goblin invaders. That's just disgusting. Just dump them like I ordered you to.
Sincerely,
the overseer of Roughcopper
Post by: Derro on January 23, 2017, 10:09:42 am
When you channel away the one square separating a drain and a murky pool, don't step into the newly created channel moments after. Yes, I know it's empty at that point in time, but trust me, it won't be for long.
So now that you are permanently occupying the hospital (read: hospital-designated cave floor) with a mangled lower arm, I'm going to have to put someone without any diagnostic skills in charge of your recovery. If he decides to remove your pancreas and chop your legs off, it's not my fault.
That said, should you recover, don't expect to be exempt from future mining operations.
With love,
Your Overseer
Post by: Kyubee on January 23, 2017, 10:08:44 pm
When I'm digging my moat, DON'T PATH YOUR CARAVAN THROUGH THE RAPIDLY FLOODING CREVICE! AM I THE ONLY SMART ONE HERE?
Also, urist McMoron, stop thinking that, because the log on that floor tile youre building is assigned to another floor tile, you can't move it. It's annoying.
Finally, Urist McPartythrower; Stop it. Every time you guys party, you screw something up, such as causing my amrok darn rare sunberry crop to wither!
If you cause one more valuable operation to be jeapordized, i'm calling the goblins again.
Signed,
Your glorious god and overseer, Urist McKyubee.
Dear elves,
Thank you for the continued shipment of exotic animals, but, rather than sending us a twenty-seventh fox, could you maybe send us something for practical reasons beside filling dwarves niche animal preferences? Even giant pandas;While we'd immediately butcher them due to their annoying dining habit, their meat is delicious.
P.S.; Got any grown saguaro wood whips? I heard one makes a good tool for discipline.
Signed, The overseer of copperabbies, the tower of daggers
(Yes I know elves dont have whips in vanilla)
Dear Copperabbies citizens at large;
The area outside the gate is for woodcutters only; any other dwarves to leave the safe, walled off area will be punished to a lifetime of making pitchblende mugs and studding them with lead.
Signed,
Your overseer.
Dear Goblins
Thank you for the continued invasions. Due to your frequent attacks, my iron stocks are up massively, meanwhile my stocks of disposable peasents are kept small; it really keeps the world going fast. We look forward to your next seige!
-the overseer of Copperabbies
Dear Urist Joestar
When I assign you to fight a vampire, I do not mean "punch it" Use some sense, and that silver warhammer I gave you.
-Management
Post by: Pirate Santa on January 24, 2017, 11:40:37 pm
What?? How!? I see you climbing back and forth over the cavern lake. Why!? What are you trying to achieve!? There is nothing to do over there. Also stop getting beaten up by giant bats its annoying when your corpses clog the fishing zone.
Sincerely,
Eternally confused management.
PS:
You really should advertise you're the only one in the fort with any weaponsmithing skill. I would have put more effort into rescuing you. Hindsight 20/20 and all that.
Also since all 4 of you managed to die in the lake and also I hate you all please note none of you will be receiving burials or memorials. You can haunt that lake for the rest of time, I don't care. It serves you right.
Post by: Lielac on January 27, 2017, 09:37:33 am
It's the fourth year of this fort and I haven't had a single in-house marriage. I am disappointed. Your temple privileges have been revoked until some of you pair the hell off. Edzul Paddledplayed's children can't sustain a multi-generational fort on their own.
Yours in magma,
Overseer Lielac
Post by: Staalo on January 28, 2017, 08:25:18 am
the Duke will see you now. You can come out of the moat now; you have proven your point already, whatever point that might have been. It's been over six months now, and the Mountainhome is probably expecting their outpost liaison back. Please, be reasonable, there are enough drowned merchants and other visitors in there as it is.
Sincerely,
the Overseer of Roughcopper
Post by: Ironfang on January 28, 2017, 08:58:44 am
I do applaud you for arriving after that Ettin incident to replace our gem cutter. I also thank you for accepting half a dozen petitions after you entered office.
But you still have 30-40 humanoids to meet with. We do not need their petitions to be accepted, but you have not met with any of them beyond thouse first 6. The Liason also needs to be met.
Love- your concerned overseer
Post by: muldrake on January 28, 2017, 03:29:05 pm
Please quit doing engravings and statues of that time I got half the fort killed. I know it was piss poor leadership, but you really don't need to keep rubbing it in. Let's just say if you keep it up, I'll give the other artists in this fort something else to portray. Specifically, engravings and statues of you being thrown into magma.
Post by: ReynTheLord on January 31, 2017, 06:48:09 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: bloop_bleep on February 01, 2017, 03:43:56 am
We have received your complaints about "not leading an interesting life recently."
To satisfy your request, we have situated your new bedroom in the underground cavern.
We are confident that the multiple resident Giant Cave Spiders will make your life quite interesting indeed.
Sincerely,
Management
Post by: Derro on February 01, 2017, 05:24:55 am
Don't keep bringing grazing animals with you. You may have failed to notice, but this fortress is in an evil, reanimating desert. There's nothing to eat for the mules and llamas and whatnots, and once they die of starvation they're just going to rise as undead. I'm sure as hell not risking the fortress's collapse by butchering them.
Post by: EldritchVoid on February 01, 2017, 09:48:22 am
Recently we lost about half of the fortress to a forgotten beast, which proved to be quite fragile when it was struck down by an untrained civilian's fist. Your job is to ensure that such tragedies do not happen, and you would have succeeded if you had made sure the marksdwarves under your command had put some of the many bolts available to them in their quivers and that you had some in yours. Because you have served me well in the past and will have to bear the knowledge that your idiocy caused the death of almost 50 dwarves I will refrain from leaving you in that cage to starve or locking you in the temporary storage for the year it will take to construct and fill the coffins. Next time your services are required you will either redeem yourself or die in battle should you wish to avoid my wrath.
Sincerely,
Fort Overseer
Post by: Kyubee on February 01, 2017, 01:36:53 pm
Taverns are for good little workers who do their job; a kind of rewarf for a day of progress. They are NOT for people who havent worked a day since they arrived. If you continue to, go from being a new arrival straight to getting hammered in the tavern, you will be tossed into the snake pit to help the snakes fight any invaders or starve waiting.
Also, if the corners of a build would be inaccessible after the adjacent peices fall into place, have some initiative and do that corner first. Workers whom do that will be given better rooms, and spared from the impending draft once the temple is completed.
Once again, going outside is off limits unless you are a woodcutter.we have a section of the river inside our walls, DO NOT go outside our walls to fish in front of the impending wave of lava spitting troglodytes. Those who do not heed this life advice will be buried in our great wall as a grim reminder of what stupidity does.
Civilians, if our army fails, do not try to block enemy swords with your bodies! lock yourselves in the bunker like everyone with a brain. The vault door is to be closed as soon as most dwarves are in the vault. There's a reason I set up a dormitory and all the noble quarters in there!
To those chosen for the draft, A lack of training is not an excuse to take that artifact adamantine hammer to battle. Have some common sense and pick up any other weapon, even the imported iron longswords, or that pitchfork over there.
REMEMBER: Socks are cheap, let the slaves get them. If you must get an object from a war zone, at least make it something lightweight but valuable. Might I suggest the various dropped goblinite weapons from the still-warm corpses?
Cheesemakers... Youre fine, we have plenty of milk producing creatures. Just... Do other jobs too, please. We don't need you lazing around because "No milk is around" or whatever. Go grab a pick and make yourself less useless; Help to excavate the cavern im gonna build that temple in or something.
Post by: muldrake on February 01, 2017, 06:55:52 pm
Dear Urist Mc Blacksmith. Cut your shit, and make artifacts which aren't a shitty waste of resources like this!
I'm always at least moderately okay with any artifact that is actually useful for something. That could be a nice possession for some gimp dwarf.
Post by: Derro on February 02, 2017, 07:29:57 am
I can tolerate your lack of valuable skills, your inability to bring along extra picks or axes, or even the doomed livestock you keep importing. However, if you enter the map, don't do so next to the undead murderous mule. It's a desert, there's no way you'd be unable to see that thing, so don't get close to it. The next time this happens, I'm leaving you all to your fates.
Your overseer
Post by: Screamy on March 20, 2017, 01:39:53 am
Sorry in advance for you horrible deaths.
Much love.
/Screamy; Newly appointed god of wine, carrion and confusion.
Post by: Squirrelloid on March 20, 2017, 02:01:23 am
We had a good thing going. The queen likes battleaxes, and you gave her artifact battleaxes. But this spate of adamantine maces has got to stop. If you must, the platinum is over there.
Post by: Ironfang on March 21, 2017, 06:24:25 am
I would like to inform you of the fortress's recent addition of several safe, reactor powered millstones. Since the new grinders are near a stock pile, and less likely to be destroyed by every passing beast, I see little reason for you not to use them.
Please, grind some of that stuff! We are running low on tallow right now and need that oil. We have more than enough cottonseed and kenaf. Will any of you learn that every 8 units of oil saves another Puppy. Seeing as most of you do not need to make soap when you lack oil or tallow, you should be perfectly able to use the millstones.
It was a lot of work to make that reactor.
Love- Your soap demanding overseer.
Post by: Screamy on March 22, 2017, 12:12:02 pm
You´re a hardworking lad, I respect that, between cooking and boozecrafting I think it´s fair to say that your brothers and sisters would be far skinnier and angrier without your tireless labor!
Now if you need a nap to keep your tempo up, trust me, no one´s more pleased than me, but why the doorway to the grand stockpile?
Arguably the busiest tile on the entire map!
I was more than relieved to see that you did not in fact force the entire fort to take a detour around your narcoleptic self, but it now means that you´ve got a neverending stream of dwarves walking over and around you as you sleep, if indeed sleep is even the word for it!
I think Dr. Twitchy just ran you over with a wheelbarrow!
Now, I wouldn´t dream of telling you where to sleep or not, but might I suggest your room? Remember it? Decent size? Contains a soft bed, well crafted furniture and a statue of a... Blood gnat..? Ok, sorry about the statue, I´ll talk to Ms. Irons afterwards, but surely better than literally having the entire fort walking over you!
And I know, I know, after waking up, your neck turned 90 degrees to the side, with boot and wheelprints all over your bruised body, that it´ll be very tempting to go and tell me aaaall about how angry you are, maybe even throw a little hissy fit.
But I swear to Armok, if you do I will.... ... ...Post a very passive aggresive letter to your door! Seeing as how we´re quite few, and I´m yet to technically inept for deathtraps.
But still!
/Passive aggressive hugs and kisses.
/Dave. God of Wine, Carrion and Confusion.
Post by: TV4Fun on March 22, 2017, 01:54:15 pm
As I'm sure you're aware, we have several vampires in our fortress. They come in to the tavern to drink our booze and eat our food and contribute absolutely nothing, but what can you do? Anyway, I realize that doors are at a bit of a premium right now, but your room was one of those lucky enough to have a door. I am also well aware that our doors are lockable, as I have done it myself. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider locking yourself in when you go to sleep at night. If you had done so, you would still be alive right now, and not have given all your blood to some vampire or other. I am truly sorry for your lots.
R/OS
Post by: scourge728 on March 22, 2017, 03:10:41 pm
Dear Urist McWeaver,
As I'm sure you're aware, we have several vampires in our fortress. They come in to the tavern to drink our booze and eat our food and contribute absolutely nothing, but what can you do? Anyway, I realize that doors are at a bit of a premium right now, but your room was one of those lucky enough to have a door. I am also well aware that our doors are lockable, as I have done it myself. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider locking yourself in when you go to sleep at night. If you had done so, you would still be alive right now, and not have given all your blood to some vampire or other. I am truly sorry for your lots.
R/OS
but vampires don't eat or drink other than blood
Post by: TV4Fun on March 22, 2017, 06:48:53 pm
Well I really mean they are visitors, and the other visitors eat all our food and drink all our booze. The vampires drink all our blood, which I'm fine with as long as they stick to other visitors, and indeed one such vampire was kind enough to kill a dragon after it had completely slaughtered the rest of my army, but when they kill citizens, that's going too far.Dear Urist McWeaver,
As I'm sure you're aware, we have several vampires in our fortress. They come in to the tavern to drink our booze and eat our food and contribute absolutely nothing, but what can you do? Anyway, I realize that doors are at a bit of a premium right now, but your room was one of those lucky enough to have a door. I am also well aware that our doors are lockable, as I have done it myself. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider locking yourself in when you go to sleep at night. If you had done so, you would still be alive right now, and not have given all your blood to some vampire or other. I am truly sorry for your lots.
R/OS
but vampires don't eat or drink other than blood
Post by: wierd on March 23, 2017, 04:13:00 am
Dear Mr. Braids.
You´re a hardworking lad, I respect that, between cooking and boozecrafting I think it´s fair to say that your brothers and sisters would be far skinnier and angrier without your tireless labor!
Now if you need a nap to keep your tempo up, trust me, no one´s more pleased than me, but why the doorway to the grand stockpile?
Arguably the busiest tile on the entire map!
I was more than relieved to see that you did not in fact force the entire fort to take a detour around your narcoleptic self, but it now means that you´ve got a neverending stream of dwarves walking over and around you as you sleep, if indeed sleep is even the word for it!
I think Dr. Twitchy just ran you over with a wheelbarrow!
Now, I wouldn´t dream of telling you where to sleep or not, but might I suggest your room? Remember it? Decent size? Contains a soft bed, well crafted furniture and a statue of a... Blood gnat..? Ok, sorry about the statue, I´ll talk to Ms. Irons afterwards, but surely better than literally having the entire fort walking over you!
And I know, I know, after waking up, your neck turned 90 degrees to the side, with boot and wheelprints all over your bruised body, that it´ll be very tempting to go and tell me aaaall about how angry you are, maybe even throw a little hissy fit.
But I swear to Armok, if you do I will.... ... ...Post a very passive aggresive letter to your door! Seeing as how we´re quite few, and I´m yet to technically inept for deathtraps.
But still!
/Passive aggressive hugs and kisses.
/Dave. God of Wine, Carrion and Confusion.
Dearest overseer,
While I am sure that from your lofty perch, it is often difficult to determine the difference between normal sleeping, and complete catatonia, one of the diagnostic criteria of the latter is failure to respond to external stimuli, such as being driven over with said wheelbarrow.
The grueling work schedule required to keep this place stocked on food and drink requires a level of effort that often results in the complete and total depletion of all my reserves of stamina, resulting in complete, work-induced coma. I tried the best I could to make it to my bed, I just collapsed before I could get there. While I understand how difficult the logistics of proper fortress planning can be, and how this results in certain, shall we say, inefficiencies, I must ask: why is the hallway only one tile wide, such that people have to drive over the top of a catatonic dwarf who just fails to properly judge how tired they really are? Did they not teach you in overseer academy that 2-tile wide hallways for major areas are the best compromise of pathing efficiency to map use? I am quite certain that much dwarven science has been conducted on this matter--
What I am tactfully trying to say, beloved overseer, is that my collapsed form should not have been a major impediment, even in a major traffic artery, had the fortress been properly designed. By no means do I intend to impugn your ability to administrate this fine facility, just that perhaps there might be some outstanding inefficiencies in the layout that contribute to my exhaustion overtaking me before I can reach my destination, which I can assure you, was indeed my nice soft bed.
Yours truly, Mr Braids.
Post by: TV4Fun on March 25, 2017, 11:30:33 am
Yes, I'm aware there is a dead body in the middle of the main passageway. Yes, I'm aware that he was killed by a vampire. This is information we already possess. Unless you have something new to add, there is no need to continue to report this to the captain of the guard. So perhaps some of you could go back to doing your work instead of forming a conga line behind him all trying to report this crime at the same time.
R/OS
Post by: SQman on March 25, 2017, 12:12:33 pm
A gauntlet?
GG, SQman.
Post by: Thisfox on March 26, 2017, 03:55:16 am
There was a mixup, all those bars of metal were brass, not bronze.
I understand. I think I've gotten rid of all the cancellation spam.
Armour is going to continue to be made of copper in the near future.
Unless someone can mood up and make us some brass armour, of course.
On the positive side, there are goblin
and we now have a lot of brass furniture and brass goblets. So things could be worse.
--The Overseer.
Post by: wierd on March 27, 2017, 02:33:36 am
Post by: TV4Fun on March 27, 2017, 09:22:13 am
Yes, putting stuff in bins is important. You know what's more important? Punishing vampires. Right now there are no less than three wandering around free while awaiting your hammerstrikes. Perhaps you could do something about that.
R/OS
Post by: Grimlocke on March 27, 2017, 11:46:15 am
Freezing volumes of water are not portals to a alternate dimension of booze and no work. Jumping onto a puddle of water that exists for half a second before, somehow, turning into a solid wall of ice does NOT transport you to the land of leisure.
Any of the remaining quarter of the once 20-strong mining workforce who insist on trying anyway will be dug out, refrozen in a public location and engraved with offensive images.
With the greatest scorn,
Your everloving overseer.
Post by: TV4Fun on March 27, 2017, 07:20:52 pm
WTF? http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/view.php?id=10176
R/OS
Post by: Maul_Junior on March 27, 2017, 11:36:42 pm
Yeah, uh.....good job turning Legendary +5 Gem Cutter. From, um.....cutting rocks. I always wait to have Legendary Gem Cutters before turning you loose on the actual, you know, gems. Didn't expect you to be rank 20 so quickly.
thanks for helping get rid of all the stone in the project areas.
........
....yeah.......Unfortunately there's still a lot of stone that needs to be cleared out, so if you could just, uh, keep doing what you're doing, um....and maybe come into work on Catursplosionday, that'd be great.
(http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/994/592/21e.gif)
....uh, yeah.....Thanks for being the first Dwarf to Mood, like 3-4 years ago. That Moss Agate Flask "Scornworry" was kind of awesome.
I mean, it was so impressive that 2 Artifacts later, Scornworry's creation (and your own person) was immortalized in Cacklemarked, a Jet Figurine.
I just wish that the Artifact after yours wasn't a Cat Bone Mace.
freaking really? Although I have to imagine that the single cut gem depicted in Spider Silk on "Treasuredrum" the cat bone mace is a reference to you.
I feel bad, now. I promoted the Weaponsmith to the Barony because I wasn't paying attention to the artifacts past "Ooh, another one."
But guess what? I'm going to give you your own squad, in which you will wield Scornworry, your flask, Treasuredrum (sorry, but The Daggers of Delight, the Artifact Iron Spear will be given to someone intended for combat, not an honorary military member given his own squad so I can dress you up like a doll), wear "Fragrantcrests the Cold Utterances" the Frilly Rope Reed Artifact Shirt, and you will sleep in a bedroom with Masterwork Engravings (once our damn engraver gets his ass in gear and gets up past Skilled--despite the fact he's been working for literally years now), with Cacklemarked, your own Artifact Action Figure, in its own stockpile next to your bed, "The Honesty of Coils," the bugbat bone Artifact.
I am so sorry I didn't recognize how awesome you are (and considering your only like is "Flasks," your demands would have been easily met :( ), and made someone else a Noble over you.
Hopefully your Artifact collection (and possibly Inek's current Artifact he's working on) will suffice.
Soon, very soon, once we've got the Magma cistern set up and filled, and the Magma workshops set up, I will set you up in a bunker far away from the suface and the caverns--and you will be able to carve all our best gems until you're sick.
P.S. Dear Urist Amith.
What the hell? You make an Artifact Iron Spear, sure.
But you were so uncreative the picture you put on the Spear was a picture of the self-same Spear you're making?
P.P.S. Dear Kitten. You were just stung by a bee. Maybe, I don't know, stay away from the like 30 hives I've set up way the hell away from the entrance to the Fort?
Also, don't think I haven't noticed your kind breeding out of control on top of our food. While it does keep the vermin population near the food supply non-existent, I do not need TWENTY-EIGHT CATS.
A pogrom will be issued shortly to thin out your number down to 3. It would be less but two of your female members are named. And I do want a male. Because I want to be able to shut this fort away from the world for a few hundred years and not have to worry about vermin being out of control.
Dear Elves.
What the hell? We haven't cut down a tree in--we cut down like 20 trees last year at most. the treepocalypse was YEARS ago. we're STILL trying to use up all the wood from then.
Why are you pissy NOW?
Post by: Thisfox on March 28, 2017, 05:12:31 am
The gatherers who went missing last year have just been found by a woodcutter. This appears to be connected to the announcements last harvesting season that grey langurs had been stealing stepladders. They are being given a decent burial, and some nice decorated slabs were already placed in the wellroom for you to admire when they first started to go missing. There is no need to panic, or stop carrying firewood we desperately need for the forges. A memorial service will be held in the temple for those who need to contemplate the stupidity of two dwarves who couldn't climb out of a tree even though its branches were up against a slope on one side and could have been walked out of without difficulty.
Thankyou.
The Overseer.
Post by: Nikita on March 28, 2017, 08:12:16 am
--- next week ---
Dear Marksdwarves, when placed next to a fortification, your purpose is to shoot goblin invaders. Not talk with them.
--- next week ---
Dear Marksdwarves, when placed in an artifical arena and faced with a squad of goblins who have no way of reaching you, jumping into the pit of death is not a good tactic, even if one of the goblins fell there first.
--- next week ---
Dear Chief Medical Dwarf:
Eh, good enough.
Post by: TV4Fun on March 30, 2017, 07:36:40 pm
When you see someone who "has the appearance of someone one thousand and twenty-three years old," they are a vampire. Please let me know about them before they kill someone.
Remember, if you see something, say something.
R/OS
Post by: Maul_Junior on April 01, 2017, 01:10:22 pm
Thank you so VERY much for being so distracted by the multitude of Crundle corpses that you didn't get to the Forgotten Beast corpse before it rotted.
I realize this is basically the first time we're looting this cavern, and that the FB has killed a LOT of Crundles in here, but really.
GREAT form letting all that super-expensive FB meat go to waste.
Post by: Eric Blank on April 01, 2017, 03:46:26 pm
Let the militia handle the grey langurs and buzzards. Just do the building. Ignore the wildlife. Do not attempt to punch the wildlife. Do not attempt to feed the wildlife.
Regards, overseer
Post by: TV4Fun on April 02, 2017, 05:16:00 pm
(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/2dI2wJSxBQG3dZEUWTZRpPsxgLUvfMEAukJcXd3HY8sGVRKCeVxSY1pIypxX4gfWCtU1ArJ9BS88Y74=w1920-h925)
You see that yellow 1? That's you. Why is everyone else so happy and you are so miserable. I am generally concerned that you may be suffering from some form of depression. Please seek help.
R/OS
Post by: Maul_Junior on April 02, 2017, 10:33:37 pm
Did you REALLY need to make like a thousand bags? We're sending them all the the Trade Depot
Two weeks later
Oh MY GOD. How many of these fucking things are there? There's STILL a steady stream of dwarves hauling them away from the magma glass furnace! Moving all these bags out is SINGLE-HANDEDLY uncluttering the furnace!
Post by: Thisfox on April 03, 2017, 12:18:12 am
Dear past self.
Did you REALLY need to make like a thousand bags? We're sending them all the the Trade Depot
Two weeks later
Oh MY GOD. How many of these fucking things are there? There's STILL a steady stream of dwarves hauling them away from the magma glass furnace! Moving all these bags out is SINGLE-HANDEDLY uncluttering the furnace!
Dear Future Self:
You're about to regret that. If you had filled them with sand and abandoned them in a stockpile, you would have been able to make more glass items. As it is, you're going to use up all your leather and fabric in future, making enough bags to put seeds, sand and everything else in, in just a few more weeks.
Have fun watching every seat, throne and chair in your fort get covered with seeds over winter. No dwarf will put seeds in a pot or barrel without first putting them in a bag....
--Past Self.
Post by: Maul_Junior on April 03, 2017, 02:20:03 am
we still have PLENTY of sand bags and empty bags.
Dear moody dorfs:
What the hell is with you guys and spears? Two Adamantine spears, one iron spears. I mean, I'm all for artifact weaponry, but seriously, not even a sword? I accidentally left our sole Adamantine Masterwork short sword in the 3rd cavern and don't want to open THAT up until we finish patching and/or securing the second cavern.
.........and/or converting the flooded area near the adamantine tube into magma sea-level farms.
I......may have forgotten to patch the top and bottom diagonals, sending water pouring down the stairs.
Plus would it kill you to throw out a Platinum War Hammer to go along with the Gold one you guys made?
Post by: TV4Fun on April 03, 2017, 07:12:54 pm
Dear past self:Dear future self:
we still have PLENTY of sand bags and empty bags.
Dear moody dorfs:
What the hell is with you guys and spears? Two Adamantine spears, one iron spears. I mean, I'm all for artifact weaponry, but seriously, not even a sword? I accidentally left our sole Adamantine Masterwork short sword in the 3rd cavern and don't want to open THAT up until we finish patching and/or securing the second cavern.
.........and/or converting the flooded area near the adamantine tube into magma sea-level farms.
I......may have forgotten to patch the top and bottom diagonals, sending water pouring down the stairs.
Plus would it kill you to throw out a Platinum War Hammer to go along with the Gold one you guys made?
Got it, will make lots of artifact rings and thongs instead.
R/Past Self
Post by: Nyxalinth on April 03, 2017, 09:49:46 pm
Dear Uric McFoodPoisoningSeeingCrazyShit
STOP BESERKING WHENEVER YOU EAT!
What...how... Wait, I think I know.
(http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nyxalinth/732708/323753/323753_original.jpg) (http://<img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nyxalinth/732708/323753/323753_original.jpg" alt="i-fucking-love-sandwiches.jpg" title="i-fucking-love-sandwiches.jpg"/>)
Post by: Maul_Junior on April 03, 2017, 11:36:32 pm
Masterwork Adamantine Short Swords are for stabbing or slicing, not slapping.
You scared the CRAP out of me when I read the battle report about your sword glancing away from the Forgotten Beast.
STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR FOOD AND KILL THE DAMN THING
Wrestler McMinerson:
I applaud your attempt to bite a Forgotten Beast in the teeth
Post by: Thisfox on April 05, 2017, 06:21:58 am
Please come back, the dead dwarves, dogs and cyclops have been cleaned up, the floor is no longer coated in a thick coat of blood and thousands of teeth, and we are ready to trade with you. It was pure chance that you arrived directly after our epic macedorf battle with a cyclops, and it won't happen again. We would love to trade with you. We are about to have some excellent tooth-decorated dog-leather boots available for sale, if you're at all interested?
--The Dorfs of Portalmile.
Post by: Staalo on April 05, 2017, 06:29:14 am
I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.
Sincerely,
the Overseer
Post by: Maul_Junior on April 05, 2017, 05:33:01 pm
...
Wrestler McMinerson:
I applaud your attempt to bite a Forgotten Beast in the teeth
Oh, my word. I LOLd but I was already on the exhale and just wheezed a little, like Muttley. Can I sig that?
feel free
Post by: escondida on April 06, 2017, 10:09:43 pm
Dear Geshud the Herbalist,
I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.
Sincerely,
the Overseer
Geshud: "But what's this long face about, Mr. McMiner; wilt thou not chase the white giant rhesus macaque! art not game for
McMiner: "I am game for his crooked jaw, and for the jaws of Death too, Herbalist Geshud, if it fairly comes in the way of the business we follow; but I came here to hunt ores, not my commander's vengeance. How many barrels will thy vengeance yield thee even if thou gettest it, Herbalist Geshud? it will not fetch thee much in our Mountainhome Trading Depot."
[...]
Geshud: "All visible objects, dwarf, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event--in the living act, the undoubted deed--there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If dwarf will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white macaque is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. He tasks me; he heaps me; I see in him outrageous strength, with an inscrutable malice sinewing it. That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate; and be the white macaque agent, or be the white macaque principal, I will wreak that hate upon him. Talk not to me of blasphemy, dwarf; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. For could the sun do that, then could I do the other; since there is ever a sort of fair play herein, jealousy presiding over all creations. But not my master, dwarf, is even that fair play. Who's over me? Truth hath no confines."
[...]
Geshud: "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering monkey; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."
(with apologies to Herman Melville)
Post by: vanatteveldt on April 10, 2017, 01:32:19 pm
Post by: sculleywr on April 11, 2017, 04:44:36 pm
What in the name of Me are you thinking? Out of all the stupid things I have seen dwarves do in the many worlds I have built, I have never seen something so beard-rottingly stupid! for what Me-forsaken reason have you forged such an alliance with those child-snatching goblins that 13 of your fifteen royal members are goblins? You lost your king for a reason! Get off your asses and shove off your oppressers, or else I will rain down a wrath you will never imagine possible!
Post by: sculleywr on April 11, 2017, 06:14:42 pm
Dear Geshud the Herbalist,
I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.
Sincerely,
the Overseer
Geshud: "But what's this long face about, Mr. McMiner; wilt thou not chase the white giant rhesus macaque! art not game forMobyMonkey Dick?"
McMiner: "I am game for his crooked jaw, and for the jaws of Death too, Herbalist Geshud, if it fairly comes in the way of the business we follow; but I came here to hunt ores, not my commander's vengeance. How many barrels will thy vengeance yield thee even if thou gettest it, Herbalist Geshud? it will not fetch thee much in our Mountainhome Trading Depot."
[...]
Geshud: "All visible objects, dwarf, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event--in the living act, the undoubted deed--there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If dwarf will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white macaque is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. He tasks me; he heaps me; I see in him outrageous strength, with an inscrutable malice sinewing it. That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate; and be the white macaque agent, or be the white macaque principal, I will wreak that hate upon him. Talk not to me of blasphemy, dwarf; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. For could the sun do that, then could I do the other; since there is ever a sort of fair play herein, jealousy presiding over all creations. But not my master, dwarf, is even that fair play. Who's over me? Truth hath no confines."
[...]
Geshud: "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering monkey; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."
(with apologies to Herman Melville)
Thou art a god among dwarves
Post by: escondida on April 11, 2017, 10:23:11 pm
Post by: escondida on April 11, 2017, 10:29:35 pm
Y'know, I just wanna say thanks for being so...well, relaxed about the fact that I've ignored every single one of your mandates to date. I mean, obviously I was gonna ignore them; bucklers, after all, are useless. It's just...I prepared this whole deathtrap, you know? You would've pulled the lever and generated a cave-in that would knock you out with dust, and when you came to, you'd see that the lever closet off the throne room has now been completely blocked off from the rest of the fort by newly-fallen rock walls. It would've been really cool, and you would've starved to death there alone in the dark. So...yeah, thanks for, uh, not really throwing fits about all the missed mandates and necessitating the trap's use. That's...that's great. Thanks.
Post by: escondida on April 12, 2017, 09:36:22 pm
c/o Office of the Chief Medical Dwarf
Although my client does appreciate the zeal with which you have attended to his care and the personal attention you have granted him, if your staff's recent behavior persists I will be forced to serve you a malpractice suit. I've attached a copy of the most recent invoice you sent. Why are there thirty items of "diagnose patient" in a single day? My client tells me that your staff will stand staring at him, walk three feet from the traction bench where they currently have him immobilized, and then return to stare some more.
Now, I understand the natural curiosity of interns, but this is a case of a simple compound fracture. Surely there are some troglodytes available to donate their bodies to science if your junior staff really needs learning material that badly.
I hope that this may be resolved in a civilized and straightforward manner, with no need to resort to bringing things before the "justice" system. I understand that there are several unsolved cases the Overseer would just love to have off her plate.
Yours sincerely,
Tirist Âbirmörul, counsel for Rimtar Kithìncerol
Post by: Thisfox on April 27, 2017, 04:39:26 pm
We can't do any sodding crafts, because we are running out of rocks. This is because no one has mined anything for six months. There are three of you with picks, and the ability and inclination to use them. I know everyone would like a bedroom, let alone a larger dining room and a forge, and also that the miners don't have anything else to take up their time. So get up off your lazy arses and get to work!
--The Management.
Post by: Foxite on April 27, 2017, 04:45:09 pm
Dear Dwarves of Opencrafts--Possible causes:
We can't do any sodding crafts, because we are running out of rocks. This is because no one has mined anything for six months. There are three of you with picks, and the ability and inclination to use them. I know everyone would like a bedroom, let alone a larger dining room and a forge, and also that the miners don't have anything else to take up their time. So get up off your lazy arses and get to work!
--The Management.
- Burrow restrictions/civilian alert
- picks forbidden but not dropped (for whatever stupid reason, there's probably a bug report on that somewhere)
- mining labor disabled
- try deleting the designation and re-doing it, that has helped me at least once.
Post by: Thisfox on April 27, 2017, 10:12:52 pm
Dear Dwarves of Opencrafts--Possible causes:
We can't do any sodding crafts, because we are running out of rocks. This is because no one has mined anything for six months. There are three of you with picks, and the ability and inclination to use them. I know everyone would like a bedroom, let alone a larger dining room and a forge, and also that the miners don't have anything else to take up their time. So get up off your lazy arses and get to work!
--The Management.
- Burrow restrictions/civilian alert
- picks forbidden but not dropped (for whatever stupid reason, there's probably a bug report on that somewhere)
- mining labor disabled
- try deleting the designation and re-doing it, that has helped me at least once.
Thankyou. I've finally got results, but not through those things.
1. I don't use burrows/alerts. I've got enough things going wrong as it is without that happening too.
2. I've not forbidden anything in the last three forts I've founded, so unless they're auto-forbidding, it's not that.
3. Mining labour is not disabled. I checked when it reached three months.
4. I used the other method: I made more picks with some purchased metal.
The picks were not used, they went straight to a weapons stockpile and are still there. However, the owners of the original copper (arrived at embark) picks suddenly started mining when those three new iron picks were manufactured and stockpiled. It's like the dorfs said "Ooops, we're about to have some scum cross the picket with some new picks, fellas, let's get to work before the dodgers arrive".
Post by: D_E on April 28, 2017, 06:30:18 pm
I believe that an item can't be both claimed as a weapon and used for civilian labors. My guess at what happened is:
1 ) Your miners claimed all three picks for use as weapons, during a skirmish or training or while their mining labors were disabled or something.
2 ) They turned off their military AI, and tried to resume regular labors.
3 ) However, there were now no picks free, because they had been claimed as weapons.
4 ) So the miners had no reason to drop their military picks, because they couldn't find any free picks to use for civilian labors.
5 ) So even though they were carrying picks around, they couldn't mine, because those were their military picks, not their civilian picks.
6 ) Then you forged three iron picks.
7 ) Iron is better than copper, so your miners' military AI relinquished its claim on the copper picks, in order to upgrade to the iron ones.
8 ) But that meant the copper picks were free for civilian labor now, and your miners were in civilian mode!
9 ) So they let their new iron military picks get hauled to a stockpile, while they claimed those handy free copper picks that had suddenly appeared for use in their civilian labors.
10) So, even though they're still holding the same damn copper picks, those picks were now their civilian picks, so they could finally get on with the mining.
Post by: Thisfox on April 28, 2017, 10:20:32 pm
I'm about to make one though, and no, I don't do generic weapons, I assign all weapons individually. Usually maces (I've had problems with undead before, and maces work a treat), but I'm considering spears. I've never assigned a pick as a weapon, and avoid assigning anyone who is a miner or hunter as a military person (fisherdorfs make good military though: They like the outdoors, and get training when they meet their first carp, alligator or bear) and in this fort, I have never assigned anyone as military, let alone my only miners.
Nope, my theory is that it was a crazy coincidence. And needs more science. But first I have to reproduce the dorfs not wanting to dig despite owning a pick...
Post by: Nyxalinth on May 13, 2017, 02:50:10 pm
Why in Armok's name did you punch that capybara? She was just ambling about the crafting area, minding her own adorable business. Yes, YOU started it. I looked at the combat records, and saw you punch her. She rightly defended herself. Poor thing got her nose cut off by one of your friends before she fled, though. Thankfully, I'm not in a reanimating biome, though I can't imagine what a severed nose would do. Sniff everyone to death?
No pity for you,
The overseer of Bronzegates
Post by: Fish Preferred on May 26, 2017, 08:53:25 am
While I applaud your dedication to proper hygine, running outside in the middle of a nightmarish toxic sludge rain to wash yourself in a sludge-laden pond is not an effective way of alleviating your sludge-induced fever or the mental scarring that accompanies it. It is, in fact, the source of the problem.
Post by: muldrake on May 29, 2017, 06:18:39 pm
Post by: UselessMcMiner on May 29, 2017, 08:51:55 pm
Please kill the dragon that is burninating my fortress rather then just standing twiddling your thumbs
because its to confusing to move through somehow? :-\
Please and Thank you
Mr Mcminer
Post by: LostKitten on May 30, 2017, 12:51:58 pm
Due to recent events, a great many of you have now become weresloth suspects. When you are done bleeding and convulsing on the floor please clean up and report to the militia commander for interrogation. Questions may include your opinion of the Ice Age movies and your sudden fascination with shoots and leaves.
If the militia commander turns out to be a weresloth disregard this.
Friendly regards
Post by: TheHossofMoss on May 30, 2017, 03:50:39 pm
Please do not give into despair upon seeing Keas, and climb up the several-story-high trees surrounding our developing fortress. Yes, they can pick up minecarts and fly away with them, but do understand that they won't mess with YOU if YOU don't mess with THEM.
Despite the glee that comes to our Lumberdwarf from cutting down the trees you are stuck in, you are making our resident doctor a nervous wreck, which makes ME nervous.
One could get the wrong idea about you all, considering how much "tree-hugging" you have done.
Sincerely,
Your Expedition Leader
Post by: pikachu17 on May 31, 2017, 09:21:13 am
Dear UristsHey, we've always liked Ice Age movies, and have always been fascinated with shoots and leaves. This is not anything new. How dare you shoehorn us!
Due to recent events, a great many of you have now become weresloth suspects. When you are done bleeding and convulsing on the floor please clean up and report to the militia commander for interrogation. Questions may include your opinion of the Ice Age movies and your sudden fascination with shoots and leaves.
If the militia commander turns out to be a weresloth disregard this.
Friendly regards
Post by: Wahll on June 01, 2017, 03:25:03 am
Please make sure to dump in the magma pool or the atom smasher every not mangled corpses marked by the overseer.
I know you think every body deserve to be entombed but having some zombies roaming the fortress is also unpleasant.
Post by: TheVulture on June 01, 2017, 04:48:46 pm
Dwarves are not for eating
yours truly
The overseeer
Post by: Colonel Sanders Lite on June 02, 2017, 12:56:08 am
When all the dwarves in your squad are retreating as ordered, it is not your cue to charge.
Post by: Demonic Gophers on June 02, 2017, 01:01:04 am
I understand from you profile that you are distracted after being unable to practice a martial art. This is also the case for your three squad mates. Your squad is currently assigned to train. All of you are standing around the squad's armor stand, carrying out individual combat drills, which do not seem to be satisfying your emotional needs. You are not only allowed to practice a martial art, or encouraged to do so - you have been explicitly ordered to! I'm not sure what more I can do to help you fulfill your need for combat practice, especially given the current absence of invaders, mildly troublesome wildlife, or elves. Perhaps, instead of wasting time in useless individual combat drills, you could organize a couple of sparring matches, or a weapon demonstration to share your talented mace skill? However, I know of no way to MAKE you do so. All I can do is give you and your squad the opportunity.
P.S. You also appear to be distracted by unfilled religious inclinations. You were recently off duty while the temple of all gods was active, for this precise reason. I would be interested to know why you did not pray to ANY of the many gods you worship during that period. What, exactly, are you doing with your time? I would prefer not to purge all traces of religious belief from future iterations of your civilization, but I will do it if your species cannot be persuaded to satisfy the need to pray with a reasonable degree of encouragement and opportunity. I can still design shrines to the appropriate gods, even if the qarryn do not actually believe in them.
Post by: anewaname on June 02, 2017, 02:11:10 am
Dear militia captain Nyllo,Do these guys have partially-equipped uniforms, where they are not wearing some of their items even though the item is available?
I understand from you profile that you are distracted after being unable to practice a martial art. This is also the case for your three squad mates....
Post by: Eater of Vermin on June 02, 2017, 04:00:52 am
Yes, I know vultures are scary. But can't you get it through your thick skulls that fleeing to the top of the nearest tree just puts them even closer to you?
And if you must climb a tree, why don't you climb one of the many, many trees that have already had scaffolding built for access to get down again without my intervention?
Now, every last one of you is up a tree and there is no-one on the ground to build more scaffolding. Admittedly, I can divinely teleport one of you down, but I'm having a season or three off. Here, have a couple of half full buckets of water and a few of the masterwork prepared meals that no-one has bothered touching since day one.
Have a nice afterlife, don't bother praying: you'll just get my answering service.
- Armok.
Post by: TheVulture on June 03, 2017, 02:50:18 pm
I'm aware you came here to Rocksfight searching for a new beginning, but please, stop coming faster than i can produce rooms, food and drinks for you, and no, we don't need more fishers thank you.
Yours truly
God
Post by: Naryar on June 04, 2017, 07:50:15 am
You seemed to ignore burrow orders unlike everyone else when a siege came. I know the sun was painful and you were vomiting at the moment, but none of the other dwarves did so.
So in order to save your sorry ass (you are after all a rather good herbalist), I drafted you into a "capitain of the guard" position temporarily, ordered you to move, and then immediately got you out of that position.
You didn't need to go beat up a soldier and one of the best masons for perceived "violation of production order", and put them both in the hospital.
I need those soldiers a bit more than I need you. If I see any other stupidity from you, your room and valuables will be confiscated and you will sleep on hard rock.
Sincerely,
A frustrated fortress overseer.
Post by: Deus Machina on June 14, 2017, 07:26:22 pm
I know you liked digging and you're sulking because I gave your pick to an otherwise useless immigrant, but you're the only furnace operator and smith we brought with us.
You do not have 'no job.' You have furnaces and a smithy to build. Stop slacking.
Re: Urist McEVERYBODY.
After putting out an all-dwarves notice to let you burn and smelt stuff, you're all still keeping a wide berth from the waiting construction.
Nothing is forbidden, you're all walking right past them to pick up rocks, there are plenty of you ignoring work altogether.
You're dwarves. What do you have against furnaces and smelters? Get working.
Post by: comicraider on July 08, 2017, 05:04:14 pm
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU. IT'S BEEN SIX YEARS. I KNOW YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, I CHECKED.
Yours, overlord of a 200+ strong yet count/duke/baron/monarch-less metropolis that's got millions of dwarfbucks worth of shit that's mean to be offered to the Mountainhome and is running out of space to put things.
Post by: escondida on July 08, 2017, 07:45:00 pm
Dear Urist McExMiner,
I know you liked digging and you're sulking because I gave your pick to an otherwise useless immigrant, but you're the only furnace operator and smith we brought with us.
You do not have 'no job.' You have furnaces and a smithy to build. Stop slacking.
Re: Urist McEVERYBODY.
After putting out an all-dwarves notice to let you burn and smelt stuff, you're all still keeping a wide berth from the waiting construction.
Nothing is forbidden, you're all walking right past them to pick up rocks, there are plenty of you ignoring work altogether.
You're dwarves. What do you have against furnaces and smelters? Get working.
Dear Overseer McMachina,
On behalf of the Guild of Furnace Operators, I'd like to point out that our contract specifically states that it is the responsibility of the Guild of Architects to design our smelters and the Guild of Masons to construct or deconstruct them. We'd love to get to work, but it simply isn't our job to build the building itself.
Yours,
Urist McGuild Rep
Post by: VolcanoQueen on July 12, 2017, 11:38:00 pm
Why the heck do you need to be so annoying? What did my dorfs ever do to you? Nothing! There is no need for you to spam me with announcements saying "Urist McExample cancels whatever: Interrupted by giant kea/bluejay". Freaking stop it already. Thanks.
Sincerely, the overseer of this random fort
EDIT: You stole a pick. Prepare to die.
Dear Urists,
When I drafted you all into the military as marksdwarves to fight that werewarthog, I expected you to shoot at it with your crossbows, not try to wrestle it into submission and get repeatedly bitten in the face. I now have to lock most of you up, including the commander, to make sure none of you turn and infect the rest of the fort. Plus, the hospital is nowhere near finished yet, so the horrible wounds that those of you who survived now have will have to wait. You will probably get infected and die. Please use common sense next time.
Sincerely, a very disappointed overseer
EDIT (AGAIN): Damn it, you guys turned into werewarthogs before I could finish your cells. I hate everything.
Post by: Thisfox on July 13, 2017, 06:59:29 am
Where the sodding hell are you? I finally made a successful, interesting, active fort, and I cannot find the aquifer I ordered on the top left corner of my map. There is no water topside, a forgotten beast war (no less than five so far) has happened in the only wet cavern, I've got an injured armourer dying of dehydration in the hospital, and I cannot turn the tap on. Where the hell am I meant to drill for water?
--Overseer.
Post by: scourge728 on July 13, 2017, 07:27:17 am
Dear Urists,
When I drafted you all into the military as marksdwarves to fight that werewarthog, I expected you to shoot at it with your crossbows, not try to wrestle it into submission and get repeatedly bitten in the face. I now have to lock most of you up, including the commander, to make sure none of you turn and infect the rest of the fort. Plus, the hospital is nowhere near finished yet, so the horrible wounds that those of you who survived now have will have to wait. You will probably get infected and die. Please use common sense next time.
Sincerely, a very disappointed overseer
EDIT (AGAIN): Damn it, you guys turned into werewarthogs before I could finish your cells. I hate everything.
Looks like you've been visited by the !!Funhog!!
Post by: comicraider on July 13, 2017, 05:56:15 pm
Cool, the liaison finally turned up, but we've sent back a solid 50,000+ uristcoins worth of shite as offerings since the fortress was founded seven years ago, a good 50% of which was sent off last year when you graced us with your prescence for the first time in almost a decade, we have a higher population than any other Dwarven territory and not to mention enough adamantine to equip the entire army without making a dent; can I PLEASE pick a baron now?
Yours,
Post by: KittyTac on July 15, 2017, 10:56:25 am
Dear zombies,
Could you please stop gibbing my enemies' heads, this is like the sixth camp completely sacked with no gain.
~~KittyTac's latest dorf necromancer.
Post by: mikekchar on July 15, 2017, 07:52:52 pm
I realise that you weren't keen on military service. That's why you always skipped the training sessions to go out gathering plants. And, to be honest, I was happy to have the plant variety for the still and kitchen. But, do you think you might have found it within you to use that silver battle axe your were carrying on the kobold that stole the step ladder right out from under you? It is regrettable that you will not have the opportunity to learn from your mistake as you comically hung in midair for a month while my attention was on piercing the aquifer. Imagine the surprise of your fellow dwarf, who upon discovering your levitating dead carcass, somehow caused it to crash to the earth. From now on, you will be known a Schrodinger's Dwarf.
Side note: I assume it's a slightly amusing bug. I got notified that a kobold stole a step ladder. I didn't think much of it until I noticed a dwarf at the top of a step ladder, dying of thirst. I couldn't figure out why he didn't just climb down (and no, there were no trees around). I send someone to build a staircase next to the step ladder. As soon as the builder showed up, the stepladder vanished and the dead dwarf plummeted to the ground.
Post by: VolcanoQueen on July 22, 2017, 11:00:43 pm
Yes, I know that we don't have any wood to build things with. You are a woodcutter. Our shortage of wood to make barrels and crafts out of is entirely your fault because you refuse to do your job. When merchants eventually arrive, if we don't have enough useless crafts to trade, then I am blaming you for whatever happens when I am unable to get the supplies that we need. In short, please do your job.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear trio of kobolds who have randomly appeared out of thin air twice now,
Thank you for not stealing anything on your regular trips past my fortress, despite there being a decent amount of random supplies just laying on the ground near where you usually appear. However, please know that if you do intend to steal anything in the future (especially anything valuable), I will send my (hopefully not useless) military to kill all three of you. You are welcome to be near the fortress, just don't. Touch. ANYTHING. You have been warned. Have a lovely day.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: andrian on July 25, 2017, 12:24:20 am
While your offers to assist in defending our fortress from invaders are appreciated, our military has a strict policy regarding uniforms. Our uniforms currently only come in sizes appropriate for dwarves, and as such, all militia applicants must be able to comfortably wear dwarf-sized uniforms. All others will be rejected. Exceptions will not be made on the grounds that our fortress is capable of producing appropriately-sized uniforms, due to the increased workload this would place on the manager and overseer. If you are unable to join our militia due to your nonstandard height, you may still apply for citizenship through our performing arts or exchange student programs. Please, if you are unable to wear clothing sized for dwarves, do not petition the mayor for a position within the fortress, as this will merely waste everyone's time.
Thank you for your cooperation,
Led Tulonzeg, Militia Commander
Post by: Sanctume on July 25, 2017, 11:45:32 am
Dear Urist McGatherer,
I realise that you weren't keen on military service. That's why you always skipped the training sessions to go out gathering plants. And, to be honest, I was happy to have the plant variety for the still and kitchen. But, do you think you might have found it within you to use that silver battle axe your were carrying on the kobold that stole the step ladder right out from under you? It is regrettable that you will not have the opportunity to learn from your mistake as you comically hung in midair for a month while my attention was on piercing the aquifer. Imagine the surprise of your fellow dwarf, who upon discovering your levitating dead carcass, somehow caused it to crash to the earth. From now on, you will be known a Schrodinger's Dwarf.
Side note: I assume it's a slightly amusing bug. I got notified that a kobold stole a step ladder. I didn't think much of it until I noticed a dwarf at the top of a step ladder, dying of thirst. I couldn't figure out why he didn't just climb down (and no, there were no trees around). I send someone to build a staircase next to the step ladder. As soon as the builder showed up, the stepladder vanished and the dead dwarf plummeted to the ground.
The recent LNP had a purple text that So-n-so is stuck in a tree. Kinda neat and annoying.
Post by: andrian on July 25, 2017, 02:26:00 pm
I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*
Post by: Derpy Dev on July 25, 2017, 03:17:04 pm
Dear Urist McFoodCritic,
I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*
I'm just imagining how much the chefs want to punch this jerk in the face.
Post by: Baffler on July 25, 2017, 05:39:53 pm
Dear Urist McFoodCritic,
I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*
Dear Mayor,
We find that, yes, the meals prepared by you and your subordinates are indeed delicious! However we the workers, much like yourselves, are contractually obligated to see to our duties first. Our rest periods are the only time available to us to eat, drink, sleep, pray, read, and socialize; as such we will tend to go through the necessary motions as quickly as possible. Whatever food is closest when we decide to go eat is what we'll get. We don't have time for anything else in busy times, and the habit persists even among the most idle dwarves so they're ready if their workload increases again. We'll grab the prepared foods most of the time, but if you really want to keep workers out of the larder the best thing to do would be to set out meals closer to the work areas from a central kitchen, or to restrict access to the room where raw ingredients are stored to kitchen staff only. We hope to work with you on this, and improve conditions for both of us.
On Behalf of Those Concerned,
The Manager
Post by: andrian on July 25, 2017, 06:42:34 pm
Dear Urist McFoodCritic,
I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*
Dear Mayor,
We find that, yes, the meals prepared by you and your subordinates are indeed delicious! However we the workers, much like yourselves, are contractually obligated to see to our duties first. Our rest periods are the only time available to us to eat, drink, sleep, pray, read, and socialize; as such we will tend to go through the necessary motions as quickly as possible. Whatever food is closest when we decide to go eat is what we'll get. We don't have time for anything else in busy times, and the habit persists even among the most idle dwarves so they're ready if their workload increases again. We'll grab the prepared foods most of the time, but if you really want to keep workers out of the larder the best thing to do would be to set out meals closer to the work areas from a central kitchen, or to restrict access to the room where raw ingredients are stored to kitchen staff only. We hope to work with you on this, and improve conditions for both of us.
On Behalf of Those Concerned,
The Manager
Dear Manager,
It has come to my attention that you and many other dwarves, including Urist McFoodCritic, to whom my original letter was posted, have been traveling great distances out of their way to avoid eating prepared meals. This seems to have little effect on the enjoyment of the food, however, as demonstrated by Urist McFoodCritic's refusal to find any food of any type desirable. As Urist McFoodCritic's only flavor preference is for pearl millet beer, and as Urist McFoodCritic refuses to eat prepared meals containing that ingredient, despite such meals almost always being closer in proximity to him than the raw ingredients upon which he dines, it is his own fault for not enjoying the food.
Furthermore, the cooks report that even citizens with preferences for actual food complain about eating their masterpieces unless said masterpiece contains their favorite ingredient. I understand that it can be hard to go without one's favorite foods for a long time. I, myself, have been craving slug meat for many seasons now. However, we should at least make an effort to appreciate the hard work our cooks put into preparing our meals.
With Regards,
The Mayor
Dear Hunters,
While your efforts to feed the fortress by killing large game are commendable, could you possibly spare some of your time to collect slugs? I find their meat delicious, and I have been unable to dine upon them since coming here from the Mountainhomes. I know Urist McButcher claims he is unable to get usable meat from slugs, but these protests clearly stem more from laziness than from actual inability. Slugs are my favorite food, and how could that be if slugs cannot be butchered?
Also, please do not allow the cooks to prepare any slugs you manage to collect, as I will have difficulty identifying meals containing slugs. All prepared meals look the same to me, due to the fact that our cooks' only means of preparing food is mincing it into such tiny pieces that the original ingredients are unrecognizable. Their ability to do this with booze and milk is, however, miraculous, and our scholars are still attempting to understand how our kitchen knives are able to cut liquids. Anyway, I seem to have gotten off-topic. Please go get me some slugs!
Cordially,
The Mayor
EDIT:
To whoever spilled prickle berry wine in the area that is soon to become our new tree farm:
Well done! I had not considered christening our new grove with an offering of wine, but this is a nice touch, and a good way to start things off. Here's to hopefully being able to stay ahead of our carpenters and wood burners in the years to come! Also, due to the fact that homeopathic dilution is a law of nature, when we restore the water to our dry riverbed, the entire river, and eventually the ocean, will be ever-so-slightly alcoholic. Thank you for making the world a slightly boozier place.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
Post by: Fleeting Frames on July 26, 2017, 11:07:03 pm
Post by: Pirate Santa on July 26, 2017, 11:55:40 pm
Why must you have so many teeth? I get being a hydra means a lot of heads but seriously, why so many teeth? And why are they so loosely attached? As soon as the militia got a hold of you it turned into a teeth flinging free-for-all. I've got teeth on the ground, in trees, in fences, I even found a tooth lodged in some fortifications 7 levels up and 12 tiles northwest of where the militia dog-piled you. Thanks for leaving me with this enormous mess to clean up you dick.
Also the lead statue of you I commissioned for the victory garden says that you were the only one of your kind, can't say I'm disappointed by this.
Sincerely,
Tometowers Upper Management.
Post by: Unhacker on July 27, 2017, 04:26:36 am
For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Signed, Your Most Omniscient Overlord.
P.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.
Post by: escondida on July 27, 2017, 02:09:18 pm
For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.
- Your faithful builders
Quote
P.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.
Oh, I didn't realize you wanted those jobs done (n)ow! You might visit the workshop where you queued the orders in order to put the official "do it (n)ow" stamp on them.
- Your harried weaponsmith
Post by: andrian on July 27, 2017, 03:45:18 pm
I get it. Nobody wants to remember the precise events that led up to their friend's death. However, this does not make it okay to immediately throw all records of combat involving the deceased into the volcano. Despite popular belief, I am neither omniscient nor omnipresent, and as such I do not always know the cause of someone's death. If you see someone die, please leave their combat records intact so that I can discover who or what caused their demise, thereby preventing future deaths of a similar type and possibly allowing me to seek revenge upon whatever or whoever killed them.
With regards,
Your frustrated Overlord
P.S. Would someone please make a casket for our recently-deceased expedition leader? I know he died very close to our carpenter's workshop, which is upsetting for everyone, but we must be brave and press on without him.
EDIT:
To All Dwarves:
Your feats of engineering are truly legendary. I had never even considered the possibility that you might be able to construct levitating cage traps. I realize that you did so due to a miscommunication between us, and I am sorry for the many cave-ins that resulted from my error. However, I would like to point out that this innovation of yours makes the cage traps virtually useless, as they can no longer be emptied or reset. In the future, please do not attempt to remove constructed floors from beneath other buildings.
Sincerely,
Your Befuddled, Yet Also Impressed Overlord.
Post by: Unhacker on August 01, 2017, 06:22:53 am
To my faithful builders.For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.
- Your faithful buildersQuoteP.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.
Oh, I didn't realize you wanted those jobs done (n)ow! You might visit the workshop where you queued the orders in order to put the official "do it (n)ow" stamp on them.
- Your harried weaponsmith
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.
To my weaponsmith
Hows it going, I'm doing well, do you like your friends, your booze, etc. Then move faster, I have a fuckhuge stockpile of iron and wood across the hallway, its like a 30 second walk at most. I even relived you from hauling duties so that you could work faster.
-Signed Unhacker, your most annoyed overlord.
PS If anyone can figure out where the hell that wardog went that'd be wonderful because I need a warning system for when the ogre comes around.
Post by: JStheguy on August 01, 2017, 10:15:58 am
Would you all please stop trashing your work orders and then yelling at me just because you've "found damp stone"? Of course you're finding damp stone, you're digging out chambers underneath the waterworks! Now knock it off and get back to digging, there is absolutely zero risk of flooding as long as your actually following your orders properly.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: escondida on August 01, 2017, 10:13:59 pm
To my faithful builders.For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
See, that's the problem. We *can*, technically, build walls from raw boulders, but it's very, very slow going--both to drag the boulders to the site and to build the wall once there--and the resulting walls are eminently climbable by our enemies. Fortunately, if you'll allow us to create blocks at a mason's workshop, perhaps by assigning multiple unskilled dwarves masonry and allowing them to use only the masons' shops you intend for blockmaking, we can build much, much faster, and the end result will be much, much better!
Sincerely,
Your dorfs
Post by: Unhacker on August 02, 2017, 05:24:58 am
To my faithful builders.For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
See, that's the problem. We *can*, technically, build walls from raw boulders, but it's very, very slow going--both to drag the boulders to the site and to build the wall once there--and the resulting walls are eminently climbable by our enemies. Fortunately, if you'll allow us to create blocks at a mason's workshop, perhaps by assigning multiple unskilled dwarves masonry and allowing them to use only the masons' shops you intend for blockmaking, we can build much, much faster, and the end result will be much, much better!
Sincerely,
Your dorfs
Dear dorfs,
I would put such plans into action and I would also point out that the stockpile, building location and the workshops are in the same floor as well as the fact that all of you have masonry enabled. But unfortunately, I'm a massive idiot and I *accidentally* deleted your save file.
Regards, Armok
PS. I didn't care how good the wall was, you were blocking an underground tunnel with only 1 Z-Level, I don't care if it is climbable, this is only a temporary solution until you lot can actually be trained in the art of not dying.
Post by: Monomstodir on August 03, 2017, 01:32:22 pm
When I asked you to channel out the floor above the magma accident, I made sure to ensure you had an exit route - you're a legendarily talented miner, I'd quite like you to stay alive. So, I'm somewhat perplexed to see that you've managed to strand yourself on a pillar of obsidian, having carefully removed all the floor around you. Presumably I missed this potential when designating the mining orders, and so I'm going to carefully build some floor out to you, rather than risk you being swept into the obsidian casting floor when the water pumpers get going. Nevertheless, in the future can we assume that stranding yourself in literally the only point you could possibly do so is not an implicit part of the work orders?
ETA:
Dear Urist McSmelter: You are climbing over a stockpile filled exclusively with the one ore I've asked you to smelt to go grab a lump still in the mine 25z levels up and at the far corner of the map to you. Why?
Best regards
Post by: Eschar on August 03, 2017, 07:11:55 pm
I realize that telling you to irrigate a completely flat area may have caused you understandable panic, and even that you drop the buckets which you carried with you.
But that is no excuse for ignoring the dropped buckets - and giving hauling chert more priority - once the miners have channeled out the area. Unless you want to run out of food when the next batches of hungry migrants have arrived, I suggest you get to it.
- Very sincerely, your Benevolent Overlord
Post by: pikachu17 on August 04, 2017, 12:43:39 pm
Dear Dwarves of Problemearth,Water is unnecessary for farming. You could also remove all hauling jobs except water hauling, then he won't haul chert.
I realize that telling you to irrigate a completely flat area may have caused you understandable panic, and even that you drop the buckets which you carried with you.
But that is no excuse for ignoring the dropped buckets - and giving hauling chert more priority - once the miners have channeled out the area. Unless you want to run out of food when the next batches of hungry migrants have arrived, I suggest you get to it.
- Very sincerely, your Benevolent Overlord
Post by: Eschar on August 04, 2017, 02:22:19 pm
Don't I need mud to create a farm plot?Dear Dwarves of Problemearth,Water is unnecessary for farming. You could also remove all hauling jobs except water hauling, then he won't haul chert.
I realize that telling you to irrigate a completely flat area may have caused you understandable panic, and even that you drop the buckets which you carried with you.
But that is no excuse for ignoring the dropped buckets - and giving hauling chert more priority - once the miners have channeled out the area. Unless you want to run out of food when the next batches of hungry migrants have arrived, I suggest you get to it.
- Very sincerely, your Benevolent Overlord
Post by: pikachu17 on August 04, 2017, 03:06:05 pm
Post by: Eschar on August 04, 2017, 03:43:14 pm
Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
If it's aboveground, the build interface reads "Needs mud/soil for farm."
Post by: Fleeting Frames on August 04, 2017, 06:57:31 pm
Nevermind, confused it with "No mud/soil for farm"
Post by: Dunamisdeos on August 04, 2017, 07:28:32 pm
Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
If it's aboveground, the build interface reads "Needs mud/soil for farm."
You are in a biome that does not allow most plants, it sounds like. A glacier, perhaps?
In this case underground plants are the only things that can grow.
Post by: Eschar on August 05, 2017, 03:43:56 pm
Are plump helmets underground plants? There go all my plans for massive aboveground farms...Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
If it's aboveground, the build interface reads "Needs mud/soil for farm."
You are in a biome that does not allow most plants, it sounds like. A glacier, perhaps?
In this case underground plants are the only things that can grow.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on August 05, 2017, 05:02:33 pm
Are plump helmets underground plants? There go all my plans for massive aboveground farms...Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
If it's aboveground, the build interface reads "Needs mud/soil for farm."
You are in a biome that does not allow most plants, it sounds like. A glacier, perhaps?
In this case underground plants are the only things that can grow.
They are indeed! You will need tiles with soil/moss/mud underground to grow food and booze if you can't grow above ground.
Post by: asialsky on August 11, 2017, 09:47:34 pm
While I understand that the nightly cage matches between disarmed gobbos and our beserk vampire ex mayor might be a staple in your routine, I'd like to inform you that I am placing a bounty on him. He hasn't had so much as a scratch, and bit the arm off of the were-armadillo we caught in no time flat. I fear he is a threat to the fortress, and must be dealt with post haste.
The first useless migrant to slay him will be granted the honor of being captain of the guard.
With only minor sympathy,
Overseer
Post by: Fleeting Frames on August 12, 2017, 04:54:18 pm
Post by: thoa on August 13, 2017, 03:41:59 am
if you must throw STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THE GODDAM LEVER THAT UNLOCKS THE GATE TO THE DEMON HIVE THAT IS THE ACTUAL HELL YOU MORON. YOU MIGRATED TO A FORTRESS THAT IS A DESTROYED DARK FORTRESS AND YET YOU STILL NEARLY Destroy IT BECAUSE OF A CAT. WHY
Post by: Dragonunion on August 13, 2017, 03:49:53 am
please learn how to climb down walls and trees. It's ok that you can climb, but ist a big Problem that you still stuck in the moat which you channeled down or stand on the top of the tree.
I know you fear the height and the way up, but it would be a good idea to think about this BEFORE you do this! :D
Post by: Monomstodir on August 14, 2017, 12:56:40 pm
Post by: Derpy Dev on August 14, 2017, 01:49:33 pm
Hey Guys, guys - great idea! You know how you all hate getting caught in a miasma? This is just a idea, but what about if we hauled the half-eaten food/crundle arm (who brought this up here?)/dead escapee yak calves out to the dump before they rotted? Rather than everyone standing around looking at the putrifying lump and waiting for someone else to haul it? We're gonna have to move it anyway after all, this way we don't wave to wait until it's gone runny and everyone's vomiting.
Dear Monomstodir,
We can't just pick it up without someone telling us too! None of us are in charge. If you want us to dump this garbage, you need to tell us using K to look at it and D to label it for dumping, then we'll happily take it to the nearest zone you creating with I and made into a dump with D.
Post by: Monomstodir on August 14, 2017, 02:01:50 pm
Post by: pikachu17 on August 14, 2017, 02:15:39 pm
FBs that are of spider shape always are webbers, in addition to whatever else it says.
Next time, just lock the FB away, instead of throwing away your military.
Post by: Derpy Dev on August 14, 2017, 02:41:56 pm
You were told! I do appreciate that there was a dangerous cat gelding going on, which is always good for a distraction, but nevertheless.
Hmm... is the garbage outside, or is the dump directly over open space or in an inaccessible are? It may also be forbidden, as I don't always notice that.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on August 14, 2017, 07:59:00 pm
@pikachu17: Unless they're tarantulas.
Post by: Akura on August 25, 2017, 06:43:00 pm
You're a Clerk, a talented record keeper, a great student, and an accomplished reader, even a decent hammerdwarf, all signs pointing to an intelligent individual.
Why are you carrying the wheelbarrow laden with a granite boulder instead of pushing it in front of you as you make your way from the mine to the stockpile? Do you not understand wheelbarrow?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: scourge728 on August 25, 2017, 10:13:50 pm
Dear Bombrek Paintwalled,"How do wheelbarrow, instructions unclear, arm stuck in bear"
You're a Clerk, a talented record keeper, a great student, and an accomplished reader, even a decent hammerdwarf, all signs pointing to an intelligent individual.
Why are you carrying the wheelbarrow laden with a granite boulder instead of pushing it in front of you as you make your way from the mine to the stockpile? Do you not understand wheelbarrow?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: bloop_bleep on August 25, 2017, 10:52:48 pm
"Must away from bear, jump in magma"Dear Bombrek Paintwalled,"How do wheelbarrow, instructions unclear, arm stuck in bear"
You're a Clerk, a talented record keeper, a great student, and an accomplished reader, even a decent hammerdwarf, all signs pointing to an intelligent individual.
Why are you carrying the wheelbarrow laden with a granite boulder instead of pushing it in front of you as you make your way from the mine to the stockpile? Do you not understand wheelbarrow?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: Thisfox on August 27, 2017, 06:49:06 am
"Magma was hot. Gonna get a beer...""Must away from bear, jump in magma"Dear Bombrek Paintwalled,"How do wheelbarrow, instructions unclear, arm stuck in bear"
You're a Clerk, a talented record keeper, a great student, and an accomplished reader, even a decent hammerdwarf, all signs pointing to an intelligent individual.
Why are you carrying the wheelbarrow laden with a granite boulder instead of pushing it in front of you as you make your way from the mine to the stockpile? Do you not understand wheelbarrow?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Post by: mightymushroom on August 27, 2017, 08:28:36 pm
I realize that there is an esprit de corps in your ranks that seeks to bedevil management when you can. However, certain pranks are getting out of hand. Why for the love of anthracite are you mixing different types of seeds when you bag them? I find it merely befuddling, but personally it is no inconvenience. Your union representative however informs me that any bag found to be cross-contaminated in this manner cannot be added to nor sorted into stockpiles. The only people handling these seeds are yourselves, so don't think I am ignorant of your complicity in this attempt to shirk off.
Secondly, the seed stockpiles are clearly marked with the desired types to keep. There is no pressing need to bag other kinds that we have no intention of either eating or planting; certainly you should not be doing so before attending to our future crops. There is no reason to exhaust our supply of bags in this fashion or via the shenanigans above. Quite aside from ordering you to dump them and start over, effectively doubling or tripling your workload, keep in mind that I am quite capable of commissioning more bags to be woven. You have no endgame here.
Your Overseer
Dear Ubbul Sherikdodok,
I am quite aware that you are our best Farmer. You are also our most skilled Mason, and given the labor shortages of our dead civilization many of us will find ourselves with more than one specialization. It will perhaps surprise you to learn that when I issued general Directive #3 allowing anyone to harvest plants I actually meant for everyone in or around the fortress to be eligible. It is not necessary to excuse yourself from a personally assigned masonry project the very same moment a single passion fruit ripens . . . multiple times over several days. There are others who can easily bring the fruits inside, but none who are as deft at shaping stone. Please consider your priorities with this in mind.
Dear Random Lungfish,
Sir or madam, and apologies that I didn't come close enough to be certain, please accept my congratulations for your accomplishments. The main host of your kind seem content to swim in the brook or crawl in the mud gulping air. A few have the strength to pull themselves, fin by fin, between stagnant pools. But you, you had the fortitude, willpower, and sheer audacity to stroll atop my fortress wall! Climbing about without any visible grasping parts: you are an inspiration. I could wish my dwarves had your spirit and joie de vivre.
A choked-up Overseer
Post by: Staalo on August 29, 2017, 02:14:00 pm
Crundle wrestling is good, clean fun for all ages. We heartily endorse our workers pursuing this traditional pastime whenever they venture into caverns, as it toughens up our populace and keeps the crundle population in check. However, we wish to discourage wrestling near the magma pipe opening in the second cavern, right next to the entrance; we are starting to suspect the recent unexplained disappearances are somehow connected with this.
Regards,
the management of Helmsthrone
Post by: Jazz Cat on September 04, 2017, 05:21:55 am
From: Director of Activities and Labors
Attn: Militia Commander
CC: Urist McLeatherworker, Livestock Industry
Re: Squad Equipment and Uniform
MEMO to the third marksdwarf in Tetrahidrite Squad:
Please put on the glove you have been assigned. It's been three years.
To: Citizens of Undertowers
From: Director of Activities and Labors
CC: Urist McLeatherworker, Livestock Industry
Re: Handwear
MEMO to all civilians:
Please limit yourself to wool and hemp gloves and mittens when selecting fresh articles of clothing. The leather gloves are intended for militia use only. Urist McLeatherworker is getting sick of making leather gloves only to have them mysteriously disappear into the stocks screen, and we are running out of leather.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on September 04, 2017, 05:59:52 am
Post by: Anandar on September 05, 2017, 04:29:56 am
It is much better to let people to think your stupid enough to flood the fort with magma than open the floodgate and prove it...
To the mountainhomes
Keep your reject nobles to yourselves!!!
Post by: Wahll on September 06, 2017, 03:34:25 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Derpy Dev on September 06, 2017, 08:51:13 pm
Dear guests,
if you want to leave the fortress through the circus, that's fine but
know that the clowns will be there to give you a very !!warm!! welcome.
(and yes, after a lot of failed attempts, I did succed in having an outpost in the circus)
Dear Wahll (by the way this one has spoilers),
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Wahll on September 07, 2017, 08:18:26 am
Post by: Fish Preferred on September 17, 2017, 12:47:13 pm
The tavern has scarcely been open for a month, and already I'm greeted with the sight of dizzy shouting dwarves piled atop one another, clothing and suffocated bodies left to rot on the floor, and a thick layer of frozen vomit coating everything from wall to wall. Is this what happens when I do nice things for you?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I admit that when I first saw the reports, they looked like cases of severe alcohol poisoning, but I soon dismissed this notion upon remembering that you are DWARVES. On further inspection it seems that you had hardly consumed anything and spent most of your time Socialize-ing. I must therefore conclude that you've all been literally talking your lungs out. Stop it.
Needless to say, the Icy Brew has been condemned as a public health hazard and all social gatherings are strictly prohibited until further notice.
Post by: Fleeting Frames on September 17, 2017, 03:09:34 pm
Dwarves are good at holding their liqueur, though elves are better.
Post by: spazyak on September 17, 2017, 05:26:25 pm
It is alcohol poisoning, done by your tavern keeper or performer.So we should
Dwarves are good at holding their liqueur, though elves are better.
Post by: VolcanoQueen on September 17, 2017, 06:58:02 pm
While I do admire your curiosity and eagerness to learn about the surrounding plant life, I strongly disapprove of your simultaneous decision to all fly into the trees and sit there for hours on end while there is still work to do, leaving your crippled friend dying of thirst on the ground below. We are bees, not elves. We cannot sit around hugging trees for our entire lives. Get down here and do your jobs.
Sincerely,
The
Post by: Monomstodir on September 18, 2017, 10:44:42 am
As you know, we're undertaking vital magma plumbing operations. Indeed, you were chosen to breach the volcano! On your way out of the new conduit, I asked you to flip the lever that would block the magma from flooding the rest of the fortress. Which you did, and then, in some sort of Indiana Jones-esque move, flung yourself under the floodgate and sprinted to the oncoming tide of magma.
Why?
Post by: pikachu17 on September 22, 2017, 04:42:41 pm
Dear bee folk of Rocksbook,Hey, we are gathering pollen! It is completely necessary!
While I do admire your curiosity and eagerness to learn about the surrounding plant life, I strongly disapprove of your simultaneous decision to all fly into the trees and sit there for hours on end while there is still work to do, leaving your crippled friend dying of thirst on the ground below. We are bees, not elves. We cannot sit around hugging trees for our entire lives. Get down here and do your jobs.
Sincerely,
TheOverseerQueen
Post by: Tenbux on September 24, 2017, 01:42:51 pm
I understand becoming hungry while digging the sunroof pit for the new dining hall. We all get hungry. Its a fact of life. I am also quite impressed that, with no training or prior experience, you managed to climb nine floors worth of pit walls to reach the surface. What I do not understand is how you managed to get stuck in a tree. Eight levels high. In a tree that was located on the opposite side of the fortress grounds from the pit. A tree that you had to walk past the fortress entrance and cross a river to reach. I also do not understand how you believed yourself to be stuck after the impressive feats of climbing you exhibited to reach that position, and why I had to have a staircase constructed to get you down.
Post by: VolcanoQueen on September 24, 2017, 05:19:54 pm
Stop getting stuck in trees, damn it.
Sincerely,
Some random human
Post by: Moonstone_Flower on September 25, 2017, 04:35:06 am
Dear every dwarf in existence,
Stop getting stuck in trees, damn it.
Sincerely,
Some random human
Dear random human,
No. We're mocking the elves.
Dear Urist McLegandaryMiner,
I understand that you were sleepy. Believe me, I understand that quite well. What I do not understand is why you chose to sleep in the hospital. You don't even get a "it was closer" pass, as you needed to pass through the community dormitory to get to the hospital in the first place.
(On further inspection, the bed he chose was actually outside the hospital Zone. Oops?)
Dear magma crabs,
Sod off and stop setting the outer fort on fire.
Dear zombie invaders,
Stop being on fire and sod off.
Dear alpaca,
What the hell were you doing that caused both a zombie human crossbowman and a magma crab to hate you so much that they decided to smear you all over the outer fort?
Dear butcher,
(https://i.imgur.com/8qv6V3Y.png)
WHY
Edit 1: Grammar. Oops.
Post by: Anandar on September 25, 2017, 05:42:38 am
Dear butcher,
(https://i.imgur.com/8qv6V3Y.png)
WHY
Dear overseer Beetle meat = extra protien = stronger military
Note to self: get kitchens to make giant beetle steaks for dinner
Post by: Monomstodir on September 25, 2017, 06:59:34 am
I appreciate your concern over the quality of the food options available in the fortress. If I were eating raw giant slug entrails, I'd be pretty peeved too. But to get to the entrails, you had to walk through a stockpile consisting of nothing but ☼Roast dinners☼. We have two kitchens churning out masterpieces of cuisine with a frankly alarming range of ingredients. If you choose to eat slug nuggets, that's all on you.
Dear Urist McButcher,
I realise I didn't make this explicit, but we could have managed without the slug steaks. Really.
Post by: Moonstone_Flower on September 25, 2017, 05:59:11 pm
I understand that we are critically low on booze, and that an ACF-class Reality-Warping Species Extinction Event generally follows this.
However:
(https://i.imgur.com/Wflt9Of.png)
STOP IT. The booze is flowing from the still even as I write this. Stop puking all over the dining hall!
Post by: Fleeting Frames on September 25, 2017, 06:33:44 pm
Post by: Monomstodir on September 26, 2017, 06:14:02 am
Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases
Post by: spazyak on September 27, 2017, 08:37:25 am
.....how did 8 of you manage to get stuck in a single tree?!? It's not in the fruit picking zone, we've not been cutting wood in that area, there haven't been any attacks or wild animals that might have encouraged you to climb a tree....gotta quarentine them and eliminate them and the tree with liberal use of fire, gotta make sure it doesn't spread
Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases
Post by: Derpy Dev on September 27, 2017, 08:38:17 am
Purge the heretics......how did 8 of you manage to get stuck in a single tree?!? It's not in the fruit picking zone, we've not been cutting wood in that area, there haven't been any attacks or wild animals that might have encouraged you to climb a tree....gotta quarentine them and eliminate them and the tree with liberal use of fire, gotta make sure it doesn't spread
Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases
Post by: Moonstone_Flower on September 27, 2017, 04:25:29 pm
Lack of booze doesn't cause dwarves to puke. Excessive consumption of booze, sunlight, some syndromes or gutpunches do.
I know. This was from cave adaptation, it just happened to coincide with having 6 units of booze left. I chose to interpret it this way* for hilarity reasons.
[ * ] "This way" being "The world's about to end, lads! Puke yer guts up in a panic, quick as you can!"
Post by: Moonstone_Flower on October 26, 2017, 02:53:55 am
What in the name of curds were you lot smoking when you decided to name our outpost "Cheeseballs"?
Post by: Eric Blank on October 26, 2017, 07:42:18 am
Post by: TubaDragoness on October 26, 2017, 12:40:13 pm
Dear militia of Paperweights: When I put out an order for your squad to meet at a station, or suddenly order a kill, it usually means lives are at stake. Perhaps you can bear this in mind and make a little more haste? You guys have adequate armor training to handle the iron equipment you're wearing, and you move fast enough when it comes to claiming a drink or a new sock for yourselves...
Post by: Walrusking on October 26, 2017, 03:08:32 pm
It has come to our attention that the recent werelizard infestation has caught multiple people who were put into hospitals. As per quarantine procedures, the hospitals were meant to be boarded up. It would seem we’ve contained the situation until I get bored or begin work on the werelizard war beast project.
Now if you would kindly stop sealing yourselves into the infected hospitals, that would be nice. Half of the victims are almost legendary dorfs, you should know better!
EDIT: We're opening up the quarantine zones now, since one of the werechameleons has become a ghost and is harassing the nearby dwarves in the dining room. If everyone could please swiftly move the bodies to the coffins before the mias- oh, well I see the resulting miasma has driven two dwarves insane. I'm afraid the rest of you will have to deal with your babbling kin a bit longer.
EDIT EDIT: It would seem someone left a werelizard unchecked. Not sure how this one got away, but we've not got nine dwarves bitten. Crowd control's going to be nightmare from here on out. Have fun!
Post by: Derro on October 27, 2017, 12:42:01 am
If a forgotten beast emerges from the cave lake and begins killing people, I suggest running away rather than coming to see where all that noise is coming from. And if you die, at least have the courtesy to do it on dry land: now two of you are going to rot away at the bottom of the lake.
Post by: deathpunch578 on October 27, 2017, 09:29:25 am
there are plenty of buckets, the river is close to the fort, so stop drinking and eating our limited supplies and start getting the farm muddied.
-deathpunch578
Post by: Gigabytebob on October 27, 2017, 10:38:47 am
Please stop killing us kobolds it hurts our feelings :[ we just want some of your shines
Post by: Derro on October 27, 2017, 12:43:39 pm
Dear dwarves,
If a forgotten beast emerges from the cave lake and begins killing people, I suggest running away rather than coming to see where all that noise is coming from. And if you die, at least have the courtesy to do it on dry land: now two of you are going to rot away at the bottom of the lake.
Dear dwarves,
The whole 'do not run towards the monster' applies to FB attacks in general, in case you didn't get that. The two dozen dead clearly don't, at the very least.
Post by: MoonstoneFace on November 10, 2017, 02:50:29 pm
Why is the outpost liason a goblin.
I don't like the fact that you let a GODDAMN BABYSNATCHER into our civilisation.
Post by: NESgamer190 on November 10, 2017, 07:39:03 pm
Dwarves, I can't be too cheesed off with the fact you all get that feeling to build an artifact for the civilization, but perhaps a suggestion for the future artifact aspirants? Avoid being possessed next time? It'll definitely help you develop far better than if you had a possessed mood tell you how to make their artifact. Regardless, it is also concerning that you made an artifact mitten. Can you even wear those things without fear of it melting away on your person?
With regards,
The overseer who is fairly disappointed with the dwarves for being possessed for two artifacts thus far.
Post by: Kagus on November 11, 2017, 08:02:20 am
I am writing this with deep sympathy for the strains of your position. You are responsible for the security and welfare of our people (a weighty task in and of itself, seeing as our fortress is completely open on both ends), and for maintaining order in our humble hillock. You spend your time tirelessly drilling the new recruits into something almost resembling an actual military (at least those who remembered to pick up a weapon), as well as taking full part in the daily duties of a civilian militia; standing long watches, patrolling the fortress proper, and hauling things from one place to another. It's taxing, I know, and I know that the burden of authority weighs heavily on your shoulders.
However, "accidentally" leaving your artifact bronze shield out in the sheep pasture because of a scheduling conflict is entirely unacceptable. Further, not realizing your mistake until the goblins arrived and your squad was commanded to defend the fort's primary chokepoint, only for you to run out into the field to replace the irreplaceable artifact with the random leather buckler lying on the ground, is what some would consider outright irresponsible.
Similarly, failing to inform higher command of your errors, and leaving me to learn of this breach of protocol by reading the letter of gratitude sent by the kea who is now the new owner of your priceless artifact, well... It all reflects rather poorly on your capabilities as commander.
Hopefully you will not make the same mistakes again now that the world has forcibly reset itself after the goblin siege massacred not only the entirety of your squad, but also the system process running our universe.
Sincerely yours,
The Overseer
Post by: Romeofalling on November 14, 2017, 02:30:49 am
Across the last five universes unto which you have sent me to Oversee the work of our divine children, I have watched countless dwarven civilians kill mighty beasts they could not have been expected to beat, all using the same method. Tell me, Lord of All Creations Across The Multiverse, is it this way everywhere? Is there some genetic predilection in dwarves to grab their opponents by the tongue and then punch them to death?
I mean, if it happened only once in a while, that would be cool. But pretty much every combat I wasn't expecting to have has ended this way since DF2014 was first released.
Sincerely yours,
Your Overseer of the Catsacks
Post by: fosstar on November 21, 2017, 01:13:03 pm
If you could not try and take on 20 goblins yourself that would be awesome.
Sincerely,
A angry overseer.
Post by: TubaDragoness on November 22, 2017, 07:58:08 am
Goblins are a vile plague on our world that must be eradicated as soon as dwarvenly possible. Waiting for backup gives them time to settle in. However, if I didn't know they were, say, around the corner, I'd be happy to wait for the rest of my squad to catch up before sounding the charge.
-Yrs, Urist McDabbling
--
Dear Bonecarvers of Paperweights:
We have NO SHELLS. We have not had a single shell the entire 8 years our fort has existed. Unless you happen to have some stowed up your rear ends for emergencies, please try to avoid designing glorious masterpieces that require shells. The workshops are starting to smell really bad from locking dwarves in, and it's hurting the crafters' work ethic.
-Management
Post by: VolcanoQueen on November 24, 2017, 08:18:37 pm
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. DO YOUR JOBS. You're not even stuck on anything, you're just standing there. There are plenty of jobs to be done, DO THEM. We have a visitor, damn it. Make a good impression.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
EDIT: Why aren't you eating food. Use your brains, damn it.
Post by: Derpy Dev on November 24, 2017, 09:36:04 pm
Dear jeweler and stoneworker of Atticequal,
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. DO YOUR JOBS. You're not even stuck on anything, you're just standing there. There are plenty of jobs to be done, DO THEM. We have a visitor, damn it. Make a good impression.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
EDIT: Why aren't you eating food. Use your brains, damn it.
Maybe you should be happy these two aren't eating or drinking, do you want them spreading those genes?
Post by: bloop_bleep on November 24, 2017, 09:38:31 pm
Dear jeweler and stoneworker of Atticequal,
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. DO YOUR JOBS. You're not even stuck on anything, you're just standing there. There are plenty of jobs to be done, DO THEM. We have a visitor, damn it. Make a good impression.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
EDIT: Why aren't you eating food. Use your brains, damn it.
...Sounds like they're stuck somewhere. You should check if they have a path to the rest of the fortress.
Post by: VolcanoQueen on November 24, 2017, 10:42:17 pm
...Sounds like they're stuck somewhere. You should check if they have a path to the rest of the fortress.
They eventually got themselves unstuck. How they got themselves stuck in the first place, however, is a mystery.
Maybe you should be happy these two aren't eating or drinking, do you want them spreading those genes?
Good point. If it happens again, I should probably just let them die of thirst.
Post by: ☼Another☼ on November 25, 2017, 01:41:19 pm
We know that you are spies when you show up before we've even struck earth, claiming to be 'poets' and 'bards' while you're carrying shitty wood weapons.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 25, 2017, 02:38:23 pm
Do you really want us to travel without protection? And we'll have you know that our finest swordselves have killed many dwarves with "shitty wood weapons."
The supposed elven spies
Post by: Eschar on November 25, 2017, 02:47:37 pm
You think we're going to take the chance? As soon as we dig out our actual quarters deep underground I'm locking you in the quick-and-dirty tavern we made when we got here. Then we will move out your starved, rotting corpses and use the room for farming. Or maybe a wood stockpile.
Regards,
The Visitor-Laden Overseer
Post by: VolcanoQueen on November 25, 2017, 05:09:10 pm
Get out of that tree, stop hoarding food, and get back to work, you traitor. I saw your pile of stolen food. You are perfectly capable of getting down from there, stop hiding from your job. This will not be tolerated again. Do you want the damn tavern finished or not?
Sincerely, the Overseer
EDIT: Damn it, you got the jeweler and fisherman involved too! I'm not helping you three out of those trees. Are you happy with your decision?
Post by: Jazz Cat on November 27, 2017, 08:50:17 pm
I realize that the tavern is a very exciting place to be socializing these days since the two dozen visitors showed up at Worksquares (population: 12). However, there is important work to be done down in the aquifer layer. I assure you, the terrain is perfectly safe, and will continue to be so until our pump operators inevitably die of thirst due to somebody not getting around to walling off the aquifer in a timely manner.
Oh, and on an unrelated note, please tell Urist McCarpenter we need more coffins for the drowned miners.
Post by: Hengikjoptr on December 02, 2017, 05:14:43 pm
I could never imagine that I'll ever say that but I appreciate your method of making debates with goblins.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sincerely,
Hengikjoptr of Mountainvessels.
On a (presumably) unrelated note...
Dear Dwarven people of Mountainvessels,
While it is strongly recommended to engage in discussions of elves with elves and especially with elven dancers, please consider donning any metal helmet before doing so: they do have really strong arguments at hand. Our goblin neighbours tasted it already, traces of it are smeared all over the Tavern entrance.
Sincerely,
your caring overseer.
Post by: MorleyDev on December 02, 2017, 05:17:23 pm
Please stop forging masterwork statues of Dwarves going insane and screaming. I want to decorate the road to the fort with golden statues of Dwarven valour and brilliance, and I'm not sure row after row of gibbering mad Dwarves quite fits the aesthetic I'm going for. It's best not to give the potential traders and migrants a warning of what is in store for them.
Thanks a bunch,
Your glorious leader
Post by: Hengikjoptr on December 04, 2017, 12:35:38 pm
Dear Elven neighbors of our prosperous fortress,
...
Would you be so kind to send us more books and more dancers?
Sincerely,
Hengikjoptr of Mountainvessels.
Dear Elven neighbors of our prosperous fortress,
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Stop it, please!
(besides, why so few dancers - and so few girls?! Well, thanks Armok it's not a yet-another-soapmakers-guild immigrating...)
Sincerely,
Hengikjoptr of Mountainvessels.
Post by: comicraider on December 09, 2017, 10:46:32 am
STOP BREAKING THE MAGMA PUMPS. HOW ARE YOU EVEN DOING IT. WHATEVER YOU'VE DONE SINCE I'VE BEEN AWAY I CAN'T FIX IT, THE STACK KEEPS COLLAPSING AND NOW THE FORGES ARE USELESS.
Yours, Urist Emptyarmory
Post by: Jazz Cat on December 09, 2017, 02:51:43 pm
Wait, did you not want the magma pumps to be these featherwood ones? But they're so well-made! I don't know why you're insisting on using the magma-safe ones when these have *enormous wooden corkscrews* in them.
Yours, Urist McFurnitureHauler
Post by: Madman198237 on December 09, 2017, 03:34:34 pm
Post by: bloop_bleep on December 09, 2017, 03:36:47 pm
(Wooden pumps will not burned or be damaged even when pumping magma, this public service announcement brought to you by Urist McVeryOffendedPhysicist)
Wooden pumps will indeed eventually melt when pumping magma. It might not happen immediately, but it will happen. You may also be thinking of another version.
Post by: Jazz Cat on December 09, 2017, 05:46:21 pm
(Wooden pumps will not burned or be damaged even when pumping magma, this public service announcement brought to you by Urist McFloodsYourFortressWithMagma)
FTFY.
I can see the confusion, though, since wooden walls or other constructions won't take damage from magma. I think buildings are different, though? I know pumps need to be magma-safe, though.
Post by: Madman198237 on December 09, 2017, 06:36:20 pm
Post by: Jazz Cat on December 10, 2017, 12:38:50 am
Quote
In order to safely pump magma, you must use magma-safe materials, though magma-unsafe metals have been observed to be safe unless the open tile is going to be submerged in magma. Wooden parts (except for nether-caps) will burst into flames the instant the pump is activated, and magma-unsafe stone blocks melt after a short time.
Post by: Mentalpatient87 on December 10, 2017, 03:51:19 pm
I know you like the above ground tavern. The crowd is lively. However, when the big door in the side of the tavern drops and the alarm bells go off, please proceed underground with the rest of the populace. You got lucky in that werelizard fight.
Post by: 4powerd on December 10, 2017, 06:03:22 pm
subject: demands
It has come to my attention that the noble population has been making more and more impossible demands, while demands and mandates are perfectly acceptable among the nobles, the frequency of mandates and demands as well as the demands themselves have worn my patience severely, my masons, smiths and carpenters have had much of there precious time making your absurd demands. My limit, however, was reached when a "Thob Rawcrystals" baron of this fortress mandated the construction of a slade bed. this, of course is impossible. In response I have constructed multiply cages that have been scattered around the map, in the event that a similar absurd demand or mandate is made, the offender will be hauled to the nearest cage out there, walled up, and promptly forgotten has they slowly starve to death. you have been warned.
signed, your frustrated overseer
Post by: TheKaspa on December 11, 2017, 03:51:31 am
why did you kept postponing the building of defenses? Now we have an evil horde outside the outpost, and no defense set up.
And our militia is untrained and we have only ten bronze war axes and ten bronze shields, we are doomed!
Post by: 4powerd on December 11, 2017, 04:19:06 pm
subject: cageyness
I warned you, I gave you all a chance, I even relented to the mayor's demand of a gold armor stand in his room when I had little gold left, but you have not relented with your absurd demands and mandates, hope that a siege comes to end your lives quickly, else you can look forward to slow death via starvation.
signed: your now laughing overseer
Post by: Paralyzoid on December 11, 2017, 09:40:57 pm
FROM: Para
SUBJECT: Time management
Dear Urist McMason and Urist McMechanic,
Just in case you were not warned by the trail of injured dwarves being carried through the tavern because of the failed danger room experiment, we may or may not need your services to make some more traction tables. I would appreciate it (and I believe the heavily armed military would too) if you spent some time on constructing another traction bench and making the necessary tables for it, instead of using your nonexistent poet skills on reciting poetry in the tavern. Look at Urist McCarpenter; now there's an example of setting your priorities straight.
Oh, and while we're at it, please stop interacting so much with the goblin beast hunter. You're making us worried.
Sincerely,
Paralyzoid
Senior Assistant of Armok
Post by: billybobfred on December 11, 2017, 10:23:32 pm
Re: Mandates and demands
We just started this fort one year ago. This site does not have any bismuthinite, and our civilization sends no liaison on account of being dead -- which you should well know, seeing as its extinction is why you claimed the throne the moment we settled.
Bismuth bronze is not going to happen. Please. Ask for something else.
And quit whining about your insufficient accommodations! You've been a king for a single year! Work your way up!
Post by: martinuzz on December 13, 2017, 08:13:53 am
Dear Urist, could you not have warned me when I was editing my raws to make them more FPS friendly (remove FLIER tags), that I should do the insects too?
I thought they weren't nescessary, cause vermin doesn't path.
Embark on joyous wilds.
Map is full with Giant Monarchs, Fly men, and various other giant versions of the vermin.
Good thing you don't need a world regen to remove them (the flier tags, not the entire creature, that would mess things up I think) from the save raws.
Post by: Killermartian on December 17, 2017, 07:04:19 am
Could you refrain from jumping into the well? The signs are there for your safety.
Post by: Fish Preferred on December 17, 2017, 03:27:00 pm
Please stop loitering in the shooting gallery. Our marksdwarves need their training and having to shoot around you is no doubt making them nervous. Also, could you please stop leaping across the 20' barrier gap to the target platform. The gap is there for your protection, and is not to be circumvented. Finally, I must ask that you stop beating the live targets to death with your pick. That is not their purpose and the local supply of blind cave ogres is limited enough without your contributions. If this behaviour continues, stern corrective measures will be taken.
Post by: LegacyCWAL on December 18, 2017, 04:35:20 pm
Quite some time ago, I put your squad on Inactive, set you to have one labor, dedicated a workshop solely to you, and set the relevant job therein set "do now". Since then, you have gone to Individual Combat Training twice, taken a nap, listened to a story, listened to poetry, and prayed to your deity. If this keeps up, I will have no choice but to assume that "distracted by being unable to practice a craft" is nothing but a lie and I will station you in the barrel of the magma cannon during its upcoming test-firing >:(
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: Jazz Cat on December 18, 2017, 07:50:41 pm
Post by: alesia on December 18, 2017, 08:23:08 pm
Please marry Queen Nish already. Three years and three full winters of speed dating after the founding of Glazedshimmer and the beginning of your courtship two months later, you and she are still stuck on 'Lovers'. Meanwhile, five other couples have fallen in love and gotten married, one of them immediately after starting their courtship, and our doctor (also a scholar) fell in love with one of the miners (not a scholar) in the middle of a discussion about military ethics in the library. If he can get a romance started while yakking with the two of you, I don't see why you can't finish one. You do spend all day every day together in the library...
I want royal babies, dammit.
(Also, write more books. There are plenty of quires sitting right there.)
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: Deus Machina on December 19, 2017, 06:54:24 am
I have no idea why you prefer to spend all your time wrestling instead of target practice, and while that may have made some of you good dodgers and otherwise less-than-terrible wrestlers, I didn't draft you guys for your strength.
Plus, you're still awful marksdwarfs.
So I'm taking it out of your booze budget to replace all the steel bolts you wasted during that last siege, in which you shot exactly one goblin. In the leg.
Post by: pikachu17 on December 19, 2017, 11:16:44 am
Post by: Deus Machina on December 19, 2017, 03:55:49 pm
Along with some bronze and plenty of wood.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 19, 2017, 04:32:26 pm
You guys are supposed to have full armor coverage. We have enough armor to do it.
This is the third time one of you guys have been bitten by a werebeast on uncovered arms or feet. Notice how they can't get teeth through iron?
The next time one of you starts growing fur, I'm sending him on a lone mission to get me random artifacts from the goblins and elves.
Post by: bloop_bleep on December 19, 2017, 05:09:29 pm
Dear squad, The Clubs of Earth,*succeeds in stealing artifact*
You guys are supposed to have full armor coverage. We have enough armor to do it.
This is the third time one of you guys have been bitten by a werebeast on uncovered arms or feet. Notice how they can't get teeth through iron?
The next time one of you starts growing fur, I'm sending him on a lone mission to get me random artifacts from the goblins and elves.
*returns back to fortress just as he turns and begins ravaging everything with his new artifact steel axe*
Post by: Deus Machina on December 19, 2017, 05:27:23 pm
Instead of another bout of "Alright, who got bit? Off to the atom smasher."
Post by: escondida on December 20, 2017, 01:18:22 pm
Dear Baron Mafol,
Please marry Queen Nish already. Three years and three full winters of speed dating after the founding of Glazedshimmer and the beginning of your courtship two months later, you and she are still stuck on 'Lovers'. Meanwhile, five other couples have fallen in love and gotten married, one of them immediately after starting their courtship, and our doctor (also a scholar) fell in love with one of the miners (not a scholar) in the middle of a discussion about military ethics in the library. If he can get a romance started while yakking with the two of you, I don't see why you can't finish one. You do spend all day every day together in the library...
I want royal babies, dammit.
Dear Overseer Alesia,
The understanding between myself and sweet Mafol is a private matter between two otherwise very public individuals. I hope you'll understand when I tell you that the political situation here is very delicate, and to be seen to have raised a commoner to the nobility and then follow that up by marrying him would not be met with delight by the aristocratic class.
Yours discreetly,
Nish
What may actually be going on is that one or both of them is only able to advance to the "Romance" stage of a relationship, but is not able to commit to marriage. Remember, dorfs have two levels of attraction for each gender: willingness to enter a romance, and willingness to marry. You can check this with dfhack, I think, and if it's the case I believe there is a script to force a marriage.
Post by: escondida on December 20, 2017, 01:26:48 pm
Dear Urists McCrossbowdwarfs,
I have no idea why you prefer to spend all your time wrestling instead of target practice, and while that may have made some of you good dodgers and otherwise less-than-terrible wrestlers, I didn't draft you guys for your strength.
Plus, you're still awful marksdwarfs.
So I'm taking it out of your booze budget to replace all the steel bolts you wasted during that last siege, in which you shot exactly one goblin. In the leg.
Dear Overseer Doos Machine,
Yoor the 1 hoo tole us 2 trane n the baricks, so thers no free time 4 us 2 go practis shotting on our own.
ps sory 4 the speling I am only a Dabling Riter
Archers train their shooting during their free time; in a barracks, they spar and practice crossbow melee.
However, you probably don't want them to be legendary archers! If they wasted 250 bolts before, imagine how many shots they could have gotten off if they had been skilled enough to shoot faster...
Post by: pikachu17 on December 20, 2017, 03:18:16 pm
Post by: escondida on December 20, 2017, 03:22:27 pm
But more of the bolts would hit...
Oh, has that changed? It used to be that skilled effected only firing speed, so more skill was worse for fort-mode dwarves.
Post by: bloop_bleep on December 20, 2017, 03:33:22 pm
But more of the bolts would hit...
Oh, has that changed? It used to be that skilled effected only firing speed, so more skill was worse for fort-mode dwarves.
Well, I mean, firing speed is tied to damage, so even if accuracy was not increased there would be more one-hit kills and thus it would in fact be better.
Post by: escondida on December 20, 2017, 03:37:55 pm
But more of the bolts would hit...
Oh, has that changed? It used to be that skilled effected only firing speed, so more skill was worse for fort-mode dwarves.
Well, I mean, firing speed is tied to damage, so even if accuracy was not increased there would be more one-hit kills and thus it would in fact be better.
What you're saying is that "yes, that has changed." (-:
It used to be that dorfs could fire off loads of bolts against a single enemy, and would ultimately end up wasting bolts because the enemy had no chance to bleed out before they fired again. I haven't messed with archery much since the days of 1-tile trees, because it's so fiddly in fort mode; I guess I missed that change.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 21, 2017, 05:54:46 am
Post by: pikachu17 on December 21, 2017, 03:38:03 pm
Don't know for sure, though.
Also,
Dear citizens,
If you let those keas escape outside the cave, no more booze for you.
I will not let the miner's death go unavenged.
Signed, your overseer.
Post by: ☼Another☼ on December 22, 2017, 02:57:52 pm
Your services would be very much appreciated now, being the only military this small fort has. Had you not all dehydrated to death punching a giant panda, instead of actually following your orders to kill the zombie siege right now, we'd probably be in a much better situation now.
-Your angry overseer
Post by: Paralyzoid on December 24, 2017, 12:07:10 am
We're in the middle of a f**king siege.
You're outside.
Please stop falling asleep. Seriously, I assign you all great bedrooms and let you have a week to sleep in them before sending you outside the gates, and you still can't help falling asleep on your way to the station point?
Especially you, Urist McHammerLord. I expect better of you.
And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not complain about being irritated you're sleeping in the dirt. It's your loss.
Sincerely,
Your frustrated overseer.
Post by: Paralyzoid on December 24, 2017, 12:14:28 am
The hammerlord died in his sleep.
Wow. Thanks.
Post by: Gigabytebob on December 29, 2017, 07:13:23 pm
please stop trying to fight the natural hazardous creatures in the area and just hide in your cave homes like good bolds and wait out the threat or send the AMAZING AWESOME INCREDIBLE KOBOLD MILITIA of 2 copper spearbolds and 1 lock bowbold
Post by: MachTwelve on January 01, 2018, 01:28:12 am
If you slackers refuse to pull the *ONLY* lever in the civilian alert room a second time when a goblin raiding party is making its way down the main staircase, I won't be sending the military to save your sorry hides again.
You daft idiots cost us the lives of three good marksdwarves because they were out of position, when the previous three sieges had no losses at all. No, burial is denied at this time, the ghosts can haunt you ingrates to death for all I care.
Post by: Deus Machina on January 10, 2018, 01:56:18 am
I set the alarm, restricted you all to the indoor burrow, and lifted the drawbridges. After making sure you were on the fortress side.
How in Armok's name did
Post by: Rockeater on January 10, 2018, 12:59:43 pm
Please note that the fact that the river is frozen now dosn't mean he will be the hole time when you go from one side of it to the other
Dear malitia captain
After you picked up your equipment for the mission is not the time to sleep
from Annoyed oversear
Post by: Monomstodir on February 02, 2018, 07:38:06 am
You have all been issued with steel helms. Some of you have even been gifted with adamantine armor pieces. It is not a matter of argument that steel offers more protection than frayed silk. If you wear the *#*&$¥@% helms, you won’t get your skulls caved in by a bestial chinchilla that time forgot.
Sincerely,
Refilling your squad with goblin poets and elven dancers
Post by: TheFlame52 on February 02, 2018, 05:21:35 pm
Memo to: all soldiersMemo to: Overseer
You have all been issued with steel helms. Some of you have even been gifted with adamantine armor pieces. It is not a matter of argument that steel offers more protection than frayed silk. If you wear the *#*&$¥@% helms, you won’t get your skulls caved in by a bestial chinchilla that time forgot.
Sincerely,
Refilling your squad with goblin poets and elven dancers
But our clothes are so comfy! Anyway, you never said we couldn't wear our silk.
((Did you remember to set their uniforms to replace clothing?))
Post by: Iapetus on February 08, 2018, 04:49:22 pm
Post by: feelotraveller on February 08, 2018, 07:38:13 pm
I recently spent some considerable time drafting a detailed letter to the Mountainhomes expressing our beguilement with the inability of our dwarfs to produce any other toy than boats. It was an arduous undertaking and not one that I expected to be well recieved. Fortunately my own tardiness was a virtue in this case since just yesterday Urist produced a magnificent platinum mini-forge.
On investigation it turns out that every single crafter in our fortress has been repeatedly pestered, to the point of distraction, by your incessant demands for toy boats. So while I find it admirable that you have such a keen interest at a young age I am only held back by the protestations of your parents from putting you on a raft and letting you drift downstream to the human settlement on the inland sea, waterfalls notwithstanding, where they might find a fit use for you. As it is you are hereby banned from all crafting workshops until further notice.
If toy boats are again produced in any number before we have a good range of other toys available for use I may have cause to review this decision.
Yours, in all frustration,
Dodok Idenrab, expedition leader Sterncraft
Post by: Dunamisdeos on February 10, 2018, 01:34:11 pm
So look, I know that we just built a bunny pasture, and that you have a list of creatures that are ostensibly bunnies that are meant to live there. Sarvesh Glazedays is on that list. However, Sarvesh Glazedays is an angry giant. This was clearly a typo, as frumious giants are not meant to live with bunnies as per our usual operating procedures.
Please take Sarvesh back to its cage.
Thank you
Post by: DoctorDorf on February 14, 2018, 08:09:10 pm
When I activate the inside burrows and station your squad safely behind the narrow-trap-bridge-with-bottomless-pits-to-each-side, I expect you to stay there to dispatch any visitors that somehow manage to cross the bridge. What I don't want is for you to cross the bridge, into the outdoors and a full-blown siege to go and fill your water skin in the brook.
I hope you'll enjoy your peasant's grave.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Note-to-self: disable outside water sources now the well is complete.
Post by: Raikaria on February 16, 2018, 10:31:26 am
I understand that it was an oversight in design as I dug the moat to channel into a previously abandoned part of the Early fort that I forgot about, resulting in a steady flooding that was walled off before too much happened. We only lost a Trade Depot and a couple of Fisheries; both of which have since been moved above-ground anyway.
What I do not understand; however, is how you managed to run up to the flooding breach, and decide to try and fish there. I cannot try and get your bloated corpse out of what is now an extension of the river without flooding my entire fort.
Sincerely; Overseer
===
Dear Urist McPromotedBaron
I don't understand how you inherited a Barony when I have 40 Dwarves; and have only had the Dwarf caravan twice. I catered to your needs.
So please explain how you currently have ribs buckled so much they are unrecognizable; a damaged liver; a bloody head; and various other niggles. It is bad enough I had to cater to your demands when I was unprepared. Now I've had to set up a hasty medical facility because of you...
I'll give it to you; you were complaing about it and carrying on for a while. But the reports just say you were in combat and not why. Tell me what happened McBaron. Your thoughts say you get into several arguments. Did you lose a brawl?
Sincerely; McOverseer
===
Dear Urist McMarksdwarves
I built those Fortifications alongside my excecution pit for a reason; so if the fights stalemate you can shoot survivors. So please actually use the fortifications when I give an order to kill. Or shoot at hostiles through them when I station you there. I had to open the pit for you guys to do something and Urist McDraftedBeekeeper is hurt now.
Sincerely; McOverseer
===
Dear UristMcDraftedBeekeeper
My Doctor says you only have a busted hand from that Troglodite. Stop whineing. McBaron has several severe internal injuries and keeps hauling and working anyway. WHY HAVE YOU DIED?!
Sincerely; Very confused McOverseer.
Post by: NeoSilverThorn on February 17, 2018, 05:26:02 pm
FROM: The Office of the Overseer
This is a friendly reminder: "Somebody else has it covered" is not a reason for you to stand around draining the fortress' limited supply of alcohol. There's plenty of mining to be done so that the stonecarvers and engravers can do their work and the brewers can get on with theirs instead of having to be the ones doing your jobs.
Yours in tranquil fury,
The Overseer
(Dictated but not read)
Post by: TheBeardyMan on February 22, 2018, 07:55:46 am
There are good places to take off your trousers and leave them on the ground, and there are bad places to take off your trousers and leave them on the ground. Can you guess which of these the bottom of a thirtyseven level magma pump stack is?
Post by: GuesssWho on May 14, 2018, 11:20:35 am
Post by: hjd_uk on May 15, 2018, 08:36:28 am
Post by: GuesssWho on May 15, 2018, 10:18:06 am
Post by: brewer bob on June 08, 2018, 05:10:29 am
Please stop taking a bath in the rapidly flowing river. I hope the two years you spent clinging to the cliff, before my dwarves came to the rescue, served as a lesson that it's generally not a good idea to fling yourself down a waterfall.
Post by: andrian on June 20, 2018, 08:18:03 pm
We are well aware that the caged prisoners need to be executed, which is why we are having you drop them into a deep pit with a weapon trap at the bottom. While your enthusiasm in disposing of them is appreciated, there is no need to jump down the hole after them in an attempt to engage them in combat. You have found yourself clinging by your fingertips to the edge of the pit several times now, and yet the lethality of the drop seems to have still escaped your notice. Please, for your safety and the dwindling sanity of your loved ones, just drop the prisoners down the hole and leave.
Sincerely,
The management
Dear Urist McEveryone,
While we understand that the deaths of those who would dare to invade our fortress is cause for celebration, we request that you keep your celebration civil. Under no circumstances should you engage in vandalism, particularly vandalism of our fortress's defenses. This has led to some heated arguments which have kept our medical dwarves unusually busy. For the sake of the fortress, we request that you reminisce on things other than the slain bodies of the trolls and goblins which have been accumulating in our refuse piles.
Sincerely,
The Management
Post by: sculleywr on June 30, 2018, 12:34:50 pm
Firstly, I admire the fact that you somehow have the ability to cross a river right next to a waterfall without getting flung into your untimely demise. But please, for the love of Armok, don't complain about not having a path back to your food when you are the idiots that got yourself in this situation. Our 4 dwarves that have the brain to not ignore the "Do not enter" signs are working as fast as they can to build you a bridge. Put yourself in that position again, I shall be forced to use the bridge to obliterate you from the timeline.
Sincerely,
your uncaring overlord Urist McOutofCraps
Post by: weiserthanyou on July 03, 2018, 01:25:30 am
Yes, I know the two dozen dwarf/human bodies in the caverns and the countless rotten trolls, elk birds, giant olms, crundles, giant bats, etc, etc, are decaying corpses, and that you're understandably freaked out.
But if you don't follow the orders to wall off the caverns and bury the bodies sometime this year, I'm not gonna care when the next GCS or ogre comes along and interrupts your horror to kill you. This is why we haven't colonized the third cavern yet, guys.
On a related note, please stop giving in to depression in the legendary dining hall surrounded by masterpieces, artifacts, the best food and booze there is, and mist generators. I mean, you complain about not having anything good in life... Should I assume you all hate gold statues, 200,000☼ instruments, whip wine, and the giant exotic pets looted from the elves?
Post by: andrian on July 10, 2018, 09:44:44 pm
I'm sorry about the mess made by Urist McTantrumThrower. He really made a mess of the library. The bookshelves he overturned had books on them, which are now dumped on the floor. The solution to this problem is to pick up the books and move them so you can put the bookshelves where they belong, not to simply give up and suspend the job indefinitely. It has been years since the tantrum, and two bookshelves are still out of place. If this behavior continues, you may find yourselves locked out of the fortress the next time the elves try to sneak up on us riding war grizzlies. You have been warned.
Frustratedly,
Your Less-Than-Benevolent Overlord
Post by: pikachu17 on July 11, 2018, 01:54:22 pm
Dear Urist McFurnitureHaulers,Put the bookshelves somewhere else, wait until the books are moved, build bookshelves in the old spots, then deconstruct the new shelves.
I'm sorry about the mess made by Urist McTantrumThrower. He really made a mess of the library. The bookshelves he overturned had books on them, which are now dumped on the floor. The solution to this problem is to pick up the books and move them so you can put the bookshelves where they belong, not to simply give up and suspend the job indefinitely. It has been years since the tantrum, and two bookshelves are still out of place. If this behavior continues, you may find yourselves locked out of the fortress the next time the elves try to sneak up on us riding war grizzlies. You have been warned.
Frustratedly,
Your Less-Than-Benevolent Overlord
Post by: Tilmar13 on July 11, 2018, 02:26:34 pm
What you fail to understand is that the 40+ pairs of steel boots are for YOUR usage. Go put them on. And throw on some pants, while you're at it.
From,
Everyone who has to see you half-naked
Post by: Paralyzoid on July 16, 2018, 02:06:09 am
When I station you in the back of the hallway, that means you need to defend the back of the hallway from a dangerous force coming into the hallway. That does not mean to run out of the hallway and into the middle of said dangerous force to grab 30 copper bolts, especially when there are perfectly good superior quality iron bolts in the stockpile a few rooms back.
I am currently debating whether you need that slab on your grave.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: weiserthanyou on July 16, 2018, 11:53:16 pm
We conquered the civ 5 years ago. I recalled you 5 years ago. Half your comrades returned over the first 6 months.
WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And if you're dawdling, I'm going to go adventurer just to kill everyone who doesn't join me on my way to back the fort.
Post by: SQman on July 26, 2018, 07:01:39 am
There is a stockpile full of masterful mussel roasts by the dining hall, yet you choose to eat exclusively raw alfalfa. I wouldn't have a problem with your decision if you weren't constantly whining about the imaginary lack of decent meals.
I remain,
SQman
Post by: pikachu17 on July 26, 2018, 05:25:47 pm
Dear Urist,Try storing the non-prepared food behind the prepared food.
There is a stockpile full of masterful mussel roasts by the dining hall, yet you choose to eat exclusively raw alfalfa. I wouldn't have a problem with your decision if you weren't constantly whining about the imaginary lack of decent meals.
I remain,
SQman
Post by: HMD Majesty on August 02, 2018, 08:36:41 pm
Subject: Night Troll Engravings.
I understand that not much has happened, but did you really need to make about half your engravings be about the wanderings of the local night troll?
For future reference, I like the ones about strange moods and the one about the making of a masterwork glass pot.
Post by: Dwarf_Fever on August 07, 2018, 03:30:38 am
Dear Urist McPrisonerHauler,
We are well aware that the caged prisoners need to be executed, which is why we are having you drop them into a deep pit with a weapon trap at the bottom. While your enthusiasm in disposing of them is appreciated, there is no need to jump down the hole after them in an attempt to engage them in combat. You have found yourself clinging by your fingertips to the edge of the pit several times now, and yet the lethality of the drop seems to have still escaped your notice. Please, for your safety and the dwindling sanity of your loved ones, just drop the prisoners down the hole and leave.
Sincerely,
The management
Dear Urist McManagement, please consider removing the walls directly underneath the pit as well as installing safety hatches to prevent said prisoners from gaining traction and attempting to drag us down with them.
Regards,
Your needlessly endangered workers
Post by: 《monty》 on September 22, 2018, 09:53:33 am
Pull the lever. PULL THE LEVER. YOUR ONLY JOB IS PULLING THE LEVER.
Post by: Galap on September 25, 2018, 03:17:54 am
We are glad that you appreciate lovely training tower we have made for the army, and that the outdoor training regimens have proven quite effective in combating cave sickness.
While your vigor in training is admirable, please refrain from jumping over the two-storey tall parapet during dodging training. There is no way to climb down from the trees, and though your armor is of the highest quality, you can be seriously injured or killed when we cut them down to free you.
(https://i.imgur.com/2BaPJGD.png)
Thank you,
-Galap
Post by: asialsky on September 25, 2018, 10:54:32 am
Please stop cutting trees from the top. I realize that your prayers to the almighty RAWs have transformed you into winged creatures (dragonborn variant, private D&D mod), but you apparently do not understand how flying works. While I admire your tenacity, flying several stories into the air, I would appreciate not having to build a staircase to get you back down.
For those of you who DO come down on your own, carry on.
Post by: DET439 on September 25, 2018, 09:40:54 pm
Dear Dorfs,
I don't want to hear ONE FREAKIN WORD about the miasma that kobold is generating. You're the ones letting him rot away merrily on the steps. There's plenty of room in the refuse heap, all of you have hauling turned on...go to it! Or maybe you secretly like the stinky?
Confused,
Me
I had the same problem. Make a "Garbage Dump" zone in addition to your refuse stockpile. Then use K to look at the body and D to dump it.
Post by: LaChouette on September 26, 2018, 10:20:29 am
You came into my fort as migrants skilled in fishing and with that job enabled. Please stop complaining about the rain or you'll be assigned to fishing labour in the caverns with your giant cave spider friends where you'll want the rain back.
Sincerely,
the Stumpland manager trying to make everyone happy but failing because of you two idiots.
Post by: asialsky on September 26, 2018, 12:30:35 pm
Dear Urist McFisherman and Urist McFisherman,Dear Overseer,
You came into my fort as migrants skilled in fishing and with that job enabled. Please stop complaining about the rain or you'll be assigned to fishing labour in the caverns with your giant cave spider friends where you'll want the rain back.
Sincerely,
the Stumpland manager trying to make everyone happy but failing because of you two idiots.
We have more than enough wood, yet you refuse to build us a fishing shack. We shall continue to complain until such time as we are accomadated.
Post by: Deus Machina on September 27, 2018, 04:35:15 am
On the other hand, when one of you catches a chunk of marble in the head, I'm laying some real blame on the one that immediately tantrumed and destroyed the trapdoor that was there to catch it, and the rest of you that started the traditional run for socks and got hit with the rest of the excavation's castoff.
All 32 or you.
(Yes, dumping boulders cut me from 120 dorfs to 88 so far.)
Post by: KittyTac on September 27, 2018, 06:36:58 am
Why did you stand under the elf caravan flyswatter? That corpse is unsightly, you know.
Sincerely,
The Overseer of Faceplant
Post by: LaChouette on September 27, 2018, 12:18:51 pm
I built you a fishing shack to protect you from the rain, I made your favourite alcohol, I put a statue in your bedroom, I even let you do some leatherworking, forbidding my master leatherworker from doing his job, so you could get some crafting done and be happy. Even with that, you started punching your fellow dwarves, strangling your pet duck and you toppled the tanner's workshop. This is the last straw. Go get that legendary artifact instrument from that fort very far away and don't come back until you've calmed down.
Post by: TubaDragoness on September 28, 2018, 01:02:13 pm
Please stop suplexing goblins from the top of the pasture walls. My militia is not properly prepared to take on a siege of that size, but we have sealed our fort so we can continue operations as normal. If you leave this protected zone, there is nothing we can do except sigh as you are torn apart by beak dogs and lashers.
Sincerely,
Overseer (Dabbling Architect)
Also re: rotting corpses - you have an accessible corpse (y) stockpile in addition to the refuse (r) stockpile, yes? Sapient creatures and pets don't count as normal refuse.
Post by: Fish Preferred on October 01, 2018, 03:48:04 am
The nicely paved fortress entrance is at the southern border for a reason. Please stop pathing around the entire fortress just to arrive from the evil-infested northeast corner of the region and trek back across the frozen wastes in a week-long journey to the depot.
I checked the world maps: The Abysmal Gale is surrounded on three sides by an iceclad ocean at the northern extremity of the planet. You have no business being on any of those sides and I'm tired of having to send haulers out to brave the toxic ash storms and zombies just to get a decent supply of potash and fruit from your asphyxiated remains.
Seriously, guys; stop it.
Post by: Staalo on October 02, 2018, 06:11:23 am
when I hired you I thought I were hiring battle hardened warriors who would provide their own weapons and armor. Naturally you can imagine my disbelief when I saw you attacking Cave Crocodiles and such armed only with stone earrings and books of poetry. Where are your weapons? Go and get some proper weapons so you can actually do your work before we run out of coffins to store your sorry remains.
Why can't you all be like Therset Lucidtarget, who not only brought her own sword, but also managed to defend the fort against dozens of monsters before succumbing? We will fondly remember Therset, who even while being throttled to death by a troll, managed to bite open its jugular thus killing one more beast post mortem. Memorial service will begin at eight, next to our large weapon stockpile. I hope most of you can take a hint and help yourselves while you're there.
Regards,
the Overseer of Bravelance
Post by: asialsky on October 05, 2018, 01:56:00 am
Please stay out of the basement. We no longer have business down there until we finish the magma aquaduct. Your punches and stabbing don't seem to faze that metal monstrocity. Anyone caught trying to retrieve their fallen friend's sock will be locked in.
Dear Forgotten Beast:
I understand you are angry. I would also be angry if I were a blob made of steel. Please refrain from pushing my dwarves; this makes them angry, and want to hit you until they pass out. We have plenty of GCSs and elves for you to roll over if you stay put.
Post by: Jdorf on October 05, 2018, 10:31:26 am
I appreciate that, strictly speaking, asking you to move an animal (which happens to be caged) to the trade depot does not entail that you move it within the cage. Indeed, in some sense I admire your linguistic precision. However, since 1) You don't seem to have the same view of entailment with regards to moving cages which (as it happens) contain animals, and 2) I can hardly sell an animal which has just eaten the traders, I would appreciate it if you stopped letting dangerous animals out of cages, particularly in the middle of busy trading periods. Read some Grice occasionally, you armok-damned lazy undergraduates.
Yours,
Dr. O. Seer.
Post by: Senator Jim Death on October 05, 2018, 02:07:55 pm
I understand that you want to visit my library. That is a noble goal for any dwarf or human and I thank you for coming to my fort to read about the wheel-and-axle or animal reproduction. However, I ask you to please stop dropping dead of old age as soon as you step on the map. Please show some consideration for the other visitors.
I also understand that you want to visit my tavern. That, too, is a noble goal. Please stop suffocating to death in my tavern. That goes for you as well, tavern keepers. Seriously, stop dying. We fought off with no losses a giant, a hydra, a wereopossum and forgotten beast... okay, yes, the giant and hydra ran themselves into cage traps. Yes, we just shut the bridges and let the wereopossum change back to normal. Yes, he did bite that bard, and you guys did a fine job killing the bard afterwards. Yes, we basically did the same thing for the beast, but he was breathing fire and I don't think you guys wanted any part of that. Melted his own fool head, then got bit to death by crundles. Where was I?
Oh, yeah, visitors, please consider dying before you get to my fort. Thank you.
Post by: sketchesofpayne on October 06, 2018, 12:42:43 pm
Performance Review: Monster Slayers
You ten monster slayers have petitioned to join our fort and you have done a fine job keeping the caverns clear of crundles and troglodytes. While you've had trouble with blind cave ogres that is not what concerns me. While most of you are sensibly armed, there are two of your number I must call into question.
Kodan Morulottan, Swordsdwarf
While tireless in your efforts, I must question your methods. You have foregone a sword and instead arm yourself with a forgotten beast parchment scroll and an artifact wooden figurine of a stoat. Impressive as it is that you beat creatures to death with these articles, it takes quite a long time.
Thavi Donberu, Human Bowman
While you carry a quiver of arrows you seem to have left your bow behind. Instead you have been fighting alongside Kodan wielding an artifact bronze high boot. Just the one, not a pair. Using it as an improvised punching glove, as you are wearing a pair of lowboots on your feet. We have procured a few bows from the human caravan in case you change your mind.
As for the rest of you monster slayers, you have been doing a fine job with your swords, spears, crossbows, and maces. Keep up the good work, and remember there are complementary biscuits and drinks in the mess hall, just beside the trap-filled entrance to the caverns. And don't forget to sign the chart on the wall for your complimentary stone coffin.
Best Regards,
Baron Kole and the Overseer
Post by: thefinn on October 07, 2018, 12:11:57 am
To whoever got randomly trigger happy and killed the Giant Cave Spider that was producing all our silk for 5 years...
Your squad gets to go be bait to find another one.
Post by: TheKobold on October 10, 2018, 12:06:07 am
I appreciate your kind offers to join my fort and help me defend it. I really do. To show that appreciation I have crafter you lovely steel armor. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK PUT IT ON! I even took it all out of the bins it was in in case that was the problem. I know we have enough, there is a suit for every dwarf in the fortress. Can you please use it.
P.S. Why do you and your comrades sleep on the floor of your barracks instead of the beds?
Sincerely Your Benevolent Overlord.
Post by: wierd on October 15, 2018, 03:16:12 am
Master Eshtan Clamglaze
I have noticed that you have suddenly hauled several corpses into your room.
Care to explain why?
Your most perplexed colleague,
Fortress Administrator.
Post by: Fish Preferred on October 16, 2018, 01:48:09 pm
1 Stop stealing our most valuable trade goods for your personal use and refusing to give them up.
2 Stop chucking all our soap down the well.
3 Stop running into the haunted caverns to clean cave monster blood off the ground. There's a reason it's all over the place, you fucknuts.
Post by: sketchesofpayne on October 18, 2018, 01:06:39 am
Dear dwarves of Sosasvutram:
1 Stop stealing our most valuable trade goods for your personal use and refusing to give them up.
...
So they're stealing prepared food pots/barrels?
Post by: Fish Preferred on October 19, 2018, 01:58:59 am
So they're stealing prepared food pots/barrels?That would be a huge stack of trade goods. The goods I'm ranting about are overembellished pieces of jewellery, including a ☼«≡granite bracelet≡»☼ valued at 4580☼. Not that I'm too happy about them scarfing down most of the ☼feather tree egg yolk roast☼s either, mind you.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on October 19, 2018, 02:00:52 am
Post by: wierd on October 19, 2018, 07:28:57 am
To my knowledge however, you cannot actually harvest the eggs for cooking. I might be wrong on that though.
Post by: TheBeardyMan on October 22, 2018, 07:58:32 am
This is a Dwarven Fortress, not an AA meeting. So stop carrying buckets of water to Urist McMiner when he gets thirsty on the job. Urist McMiner doesn't like water. Urist McMiner likes booze. And he's quite capable of walking to the tavern to get some for himself. In fact, your water carrying antics are starting to annoy Urist McMiner - he's distracted due to being kept away from alcohol for too long.
Yours Sincerely, Overseer.
Post by: rostbot on October 26, 2018, 06:40:04 am
the inside I was referring to when I told you to wall off the cavern from the inside was the inside of the fortress, not the inside of the cavern. Don't feel disheartened about it; you are certainly not the first to confuse those two with each other.
Sincerely
Your yet patient overseer
Post by: Deus Machina on November 03, 2018, 10:26:45 pm
You're cave adapted. The animal stockpile is right next to the cavern.
Why do you inside on taking traps 74 levels up and across out lands to capture hamsters--which immediately chew their way free, by the way--and often coat them in vomit, instead of walking literally three paces to the caverns with the spiders we really want?
Keep that up and I'm going to put you in charge of tempting in any giant ones that come along.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 04, 2018, 03:19:44 pm
I can’t read your mind. If you want me to do a job in a specific area, that’s what burrows are for.
Urist McTrapper
Post by: Deus Machina on November 04, 2018, 10:15:09 pm
Fine, I'll burrow you. Because you can't figure to catch something that doesn't cause you nausea along the way.
As soon as I find a spot where your cloud of cats hasn't committed genocide on the local arachnid population.
Dear visiting bards,
In all fairness, we love you guys. Well, we love like three of you. There needs to be some kind of certification here, because 'novice' does not a bard make, most of you have no skills in the dancing or verbal arts, and I think a good chunk of you neither carry or even play an instrument.
And there are almost as many of you 'visiting' as there are actual dwarven citizens. And I've already denied a good chunk of you.
Serious, stop drinking all our booze.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 05, 2018, 01:08:40 am
You told me both to allow visitors in this tavern and to give out drinks. Doesn’t that mean I should give out drinks to visitors? If not, then why not make one tavern for residents (with a drink-giver) and one that allows visitors (without a drink giver)?
Urist McTavernkeep
(If I am incorrect and visitors get their own drinks from a stockpile, then I’d just turn visitors off.)
Post by: Deus Machina on November 05, 2018, 10:26:07 pm
Can you at least bring your mercenary and monster-slayer friends? They're either useful or short-lived, at least.
Post by: Grand Sage on November 09, 2018, 01:55:46 pm
Post by: Dutrius on November 27, 2018, 03:28:14 pm
To: Every Dwarf still alive
RE: Cavern Fauna
I should not need to tell any of you this, but when you see a Giant Magma Spider, the correct response is to run away before it notices you. DO NOT harvest the cave spider silk nearby to it. They are faster than you, and they can shoot burning webs at you, and if one bites you, you WILL melt. If you are lucky.
It should come as no surprise that it's not a sensible idea to grab the belongings of the deceased, or any un-melted corpses for that matter, while that thing is still around but apparently Dwarves are denser than platinum. If I catch another one of you going down there, I'm giving this entire fort a Darwin award.
- The Overseer
I may have modded in an ubercharged GCS made of magma... By Armok that thing is terrifying.
Post by: Deus Machina on November 30, 2018, 07:03:40 am
I apologize to four of you in the inn bedrooms.
If I had known that floors appear to be porous, I wouldn't have built them directly under the archery range's catch channel.
Since I'm lazy and you seem to be bards anyway, and therefore I hate you, you can deal with getting pelted with spent bolts in your sleep.
Post by: weiserthanyou on November 30, 2018, 02:02:45 pm
I understand that the last few years have been stressful, especially considering that your entire fort's population has failed to clean up the corpses laying everywhere (that you all keep adding to with your beatings and lethal fistfights) even as you get horrified by them for four years in a row. However, please refrain from going berserk in the animal yard. Not because I think the animals are in danger, but because the current count of animals that participated in killing you include a capuchin, four war dogs, three normal dogs, a horse foal, a great horned owl, a wolf, a turkey hen, a dingo, and a yak bull. That's right, some of your mortal injuries were inflicted by a monkey and two birds, and what killed you was having most of your flesh ripped apart by six dogs while another shook you around by the head until your spine broke.
Your body will be removed from the yard and thrown into the disposal pit with the goblin corpses that horrified you to begin with.
-An overseer frustrated by dwarves avoiding pleasures in favor of stressors.
Post by: GPeter on November 30, 2018, 04:00:51 pm
I know that you hate the sight of a dead body, but rushing to get a new sock from your fallen friends will definitely not help with your trauma.
- Armok
Post by: weiserthanyou on November 30, 2018, 07:14:47 pm
Dear McUristHaterOfBodiesLoverOfSocksReplace getting a sock from fallen friends with "harvesting teeth and arrows that aren't even useful without a living team of marksdwarves" and...my fort.
I know that you hate the sight of a dead body, but rushing to get a new sock from your fallen friends will definitely not help with your trauma.
ALSO: Dear Urist McWannabeMarksdwarf,
how did you only lightly injure a chained target at point blank range with five iron bolts? Getting one of them to pierce the chest instead of bruising the arm shouldn't be too hard. Or even better, you should have gone for the head.
Post by: GPeter on December 01, 2018, 12:31:58 am
Dear McUristHaterOfBodiesLoverOfSocksReplace getting a sock from fallen friends with "harvesting teeth and arrows that aren't even useful without a living team of marksdwarves" and...my fort.
I know that you hate the sight of a dead body, but rushing to get a new sock from your fallen friends will definitely not help with your trauma.
ALSO: Dear Urist McWannabeMarksdwarf,
how did you only lightly injure a chained target at point blank range with five iron bolts? Getting one of them to pierce the chest instead of bruising the arm shouldn't be too hard. Or even better, you should have gone for the head.
or even worse.
Dear Urist McWannabeMarksdwarf
If you want to become an Elite Marksdwarf, why don't you simply, train? (Those who suffered with the bug know what I'm talking about...)
Post by: brotundbutter on December 08, 2018, 01:02:17 pm
Please stop engraving the mayor's office with images of the time he had to eat vermin to survive during a cave-in accident. If you have a problem with his mandates or leadership, address them to him personally instead of filling his living space with cruel images like these.
PS: Stop making these engravings some of your first masterworks so I won't just dismantle them.
Post by: Eric Blank on December 08, 2018, 05:25:53 pm
Sincerely, trying not to get invaded here; your overseer
Post by: Deus Machina on December 09, 2018, 04:36:27 am
I'm vetoing your choice of mayor.
Aside from demanding piles of coins the second he was elected, he had spent most of the last year alternating between the library reading 'The Blight of Mortality' and the temple praying to 'The Whiskered Creature,' a deity of silence, nightmares, and death, of which he is an ardent worshiper.
No. Just no.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 09, 2018, 04:47:51 am
When a creature sneaks into the fortress, you can't casually shoot it once in the guts and then knock off for a drink.
Now we're stuck with some stupid Yakkity Sax montage as your compatriots try to chase down the elk bird that's running through all the bedrooms and waking up dorfs by kicking their doors in, bleating and vomiting on beds the whole while.
Post by: ImagoDeo on December 09, 2018, 07:31:49 pm
Dear--sigh, I'm back already--hunters/monster slayers/marksdwarves of DiamondCommon,
When a creature sneaks into the fortress, you can't casually shoot it once in the guts and then knock off for a drink.
Now we're stuck with some stupid Yakkity Sax montage as your compatriots try to chase down the elk bird that's running through all the bedrooms and waking up dorfs by kicking their doors in, bleating and vomiting on beds the whole while.
The mental image gave me a good laugh. Thank you.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 09, 2018, 10:15:43 pm
The mental image gave me a good laugh. Thank you.
That's kind of what I got, too. Seriously, it ran through the bedrooms and covered half the beds in vomit. And pretty much only the beds.
And I can only imagine elk birds bleating terribly. Like halfway between an elk and a goose.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 09, 2018, 10:16:26 pm
Good job breaking that siege. Albeit all but two kills were by our favorite human pikeman, who was unfortunately our only casualty.
Three of those kills were after bruising and tearing to his lungs. He will be laid to rest with full honors.
As for the dwarves he killed? They were sent by the goblin pits we've been raiding for the last three years. Not sure whether that surprises me, but they're getting the usual goblin burial: stripped bare and tossed in the volcano.
Hammerdwarf Lokumakrul, you received great commendations for chasing down the last surviving raider and delivering a single well-aimed kick in the teeth that knocked him off the cliffs above the entrance. You shall receive the Official Boot of Valor (it's the pig iron boot the armorer made in a fey mood, but it's the sentiment that counts) for
Post by: TD1 on December 10, 2018, 04:46:41 am
Post by: weiserthanyou on December 20, 2018, 02:47:42 am
Do the priority 1 excavations. I need them done to provide enough water to fill the second water reactor which in turn is necessary for the mist generator and bathtub. If you fail to comply, I will let you all go insane.
RELATED: does retiring/unretiring a fort do anything about the mental state of the citizens? Between the fact that everyone's going melancholy or stark raving mad over life in general (not even anything noteworthy in the last 5 years) and the fact that my fort is still inexplicably at war with my home civ, I'm considering it despite the extreme hassle and the FPS drop as the dammed river re-drains.
Post by: ZachUSAman on December 21, 2018, 09:31:04 am
Dear Dwarves:
Do the priority 1 excavations. I need them done to provide enough water to fill the second water reactor which in turn is necessary for the mist generator and bathtub. If you fail to comply, I will let you all go insane.
RELATED: does retiring/unretiring a fort do anything about the mental state of the citizens? Between the fact that everyone's going melancholy or stark raving mad over life in general (not even anything noteworthy in the last 5 years) and the fact that my fort is still inexplicably at war with my home civ, I'm considering it despite the extreme hassle and the FPS drop as the dammed river re-drains.
The stress system is quite bugged at the moment, mainly with how each bit from an invasion/hunting expedition can ruin a dwarfs mood. For the time being, the best solution is just to use df hack and remove-stress all
Look at the picture in the spoiler.
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=171185.msg7840276#msg7840276
Dear Urist McCrossbow recruit,
Not quite sure what to make of you. On the one hand you yeet yourself into the 10z deep murder pit, break your legs, and almost die, only to be saved by the grace of your brothers who decided to shoot the goblins from behind the fortifications and save you. On the other hand, you shot at the dragon causing it to jump into the pit face first and explode. I guess I can consider your time in the military a success and you can go back to crafting since you wont be walking for quite a while.
Post by: weiserthanyou on December 21, 2018, 10:50:07 am
On the other hand, you shot at the dragon causing it to jump into the pit face first and explode.This is distilled Dwarf Fortress combat.
Post by: weiserthanyou on December 21, 2018, 11:19:05 am
problem: no method of installing or configuring DFhack known to me has yet succeeded in getting it to run. No amount of troubleshooting has managed to get it into a better situation than this:Dear Dwarves:
Do the priority 1 excavations. I need them done to provide enough water to fill the second water reactor which in turn is necessary for the mist generator and bathtub. If you fail to comply, I will let you all go insane.
RELATED: does retiring/unretiring a fort do anything about the mental state of the citizens? Between the fact that everyone's going melancholy or stark raving mad over life in general (not even anything noteworthy in the last 5 years) and the fact that my fort is still inexplicably at war with my home civ, I'm considering it despite the extreme hassle and the FPS drop as the dammed river re-drains.
The stress system is quite bugged at the moment, mainly with how each bit from an invasion/hunting expedition can ruin a dwarfs mood. For the time being, the best solution is just to use df hack and remove-stress all
Look at the picture in the spoiler.
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=171185.msg7840276#msg7840276
df_osx_emotionactualfix/dfhack-0.44.12-r1-OSX-64-gcc-7.3.0/dfhack: line 15: ./dwarfort.exe: No such file or directory
Post by: ZachUSAman on December 23, 2018, 01:55:28 pm
problem: no method of installing or configuring DFhack known to me has yet succeeded in getting it to run. No amount of troubleshooting has managed to get it into a better situation than this:Dear Dwarves:
Do the priority 1 excavations. I need them done to provide enough water to fill the second water reactor which in turn is necessary for the mist generator and bathtub. If you fail to comply, I will let you all go insane.
RELATED: does retiring/unretiring a fort do anything about the mental state of the citizens? Between the fact that everyone's going melancholy or stark raving mad over life in general (not even anything noteworthy in the last 5 years) and the fact that my fort is still inexplicably at war with my home civ, I'm considering it despite the extreme hassle and the FPS drop as the dammed river re-drains.
The stress system is quite bugged at the moment, mainly with how each bit from an invasion/hunting expedition can ruin a dwarfs mood. For the time being, the best solution is just to use df hack and remove-stress all
Look at the picture in the spoiler.
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=171185.msg7840276#msg7840276
df_osx_emotionactualfix/dfhack-0.44.12-r1-OSX-64-gcc-7.3.0/dfhack: line 15: ./dwarfort.exe: No such file or directory
Are you on a mac? If so, good luck, I know theres some funky things with security you have to mess with, but that abomination of an OS is not something I am good at. If your on windows though, just get the lazy newb pack since it has everything bundled together.
http://dffd.bay12games.com/file.php?id=7622
https://github.com/DFHack/dfhack/releases
http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/Utility:DFHack/Installation
Post by: Deus Machina on December 23, 2018, 08:07:46 pm
There is a known gremlin in the fort. It keeps distracting your productive brethren.
Now go kill it like I told you a season ago, because it made a beeline for Control Room #3 and there's a reason that lever is labelled 'SPIDERS!'.
Post by: Hans Lemurson on December 23, 2018, 09:56:15 pm
I know you like mittens, but you can't wear the metal gauntlets I assign you unless you take them off first. I know copper isn't the most exciting metal, but it's much better than pig-tail fibers at stopping Were-Iguana bites. I know it was just a small wound, just a nibble really, but from what I've been told, that's enough. Now if you'd be kind enough to stand over there while we finish up some masonry work, you'll get your very own room and in a few weeks you'll be amazed at how easy it is for your mittens to come off.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 23, 2018, 11:59:14 pm
Apparently your old kobold master have trained you not to shot web.
We'll be capturing your wild brethren for that. In the meantime, we'll have to figure out what to do with you guys.
Count yourselves lucky if you end up as guard animals instead of roasts.
Post by: weiserthanyou on December 26, 2018, 10:56:21 pm
Dear giant cave spiders ofI take it you can't even use them for silk farming?MalicedeepDiamondcommon,
Apparently your old kobold master have trained you not to shot web.
We'll be capturing your wild brethren for that. In the meantime, we'll have to figure out what to do with you guys.
Count yourselves lucky if you end up as guard animals instead of roasts.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 27, 2018, 12:50:23 am
I take it you can't even use them for silk farming?
So far, they refuse to shot web at anything restrained. They've only done it to active invaders, which I found out after pasturing them at the bottom of the moat and dumping some goblins in during a siege.
Post by: TD1 on December 27, 2018, 06:46:38 am
Failing that, chain a gobbo ;)
Post by: Deus Machina on December 27, 2018, 02:38:14 pm
Are you chaining tame dogs? Try something wild.
Failing that, chain a gobbo ;)
Only stuff hostile to the tame GCS, or at least wild. Elk birds and trolls were a no-go.
They killed the trolls just fine one they got close, but no web.
I'll try goblins after the next siege, but so far they've had to have been uncaptured and during it.
Post by: Deus Machina on December 28, 2018, 01:23:13 am
We have clothing. Stop pouncing on the steel armor pieces before the military can get to them.
You guys are wearing more of it than the people it's issued to.
On the other hand:
Dear military of Diamondcommon,
We still have a few unclaimed steel mail shirts and helms.
Some of you guys are lazy and doing without. Put them on, or you'll be replaced by someone that will, and we'll have one less mouth to feed.
Furthermor:
Dear stupid human hammerlord,
You captured an artifact iron maul from a goblin pit.
Why in Armok's name was it sitting in the stockpile when the siege came?
Belay that, I finally realized you're missing a whole bunch of fingers.
Good job killing a whole squad of gobbos with that shield. You're getting a masterwork steel one as soon as it can be made.
Post by: nezclaw on January 12, 2019, 11:35:17 am
Do I need to enroll you in a remedial maths course? There are 268 entire cut lapises in the stockpile. And yet, for some peculiar reason, you are insisting we are out of lapis for encrusting furniture. My good dorf, this site is lousy with lapis. There is not a shortage. Now get back to work before I figure out how to club you upside the head with a sandbag.
Post by: Bumber on January 13, 2019, 11:32:47 am
Dear Urist McDumbassJewelerAre they in bins? Bins can be troublesome.
Do I need to enroll you in a remedial maths course? There are 268 entire cut lapises in the stockpile. And yet, for some peculiar reason, you are insisting we are out of lapis for encrusting furniture. My good dorf, this site is lousy with lapis. There is not a shortage. Now get back to work before I figure out how to club you upside the head with a sandbag.
Post by: nezclaw on January 13, 2019, 07:41:05 pm
Post by: doublestrafe on January 20, 2019, 07:50:00 pm
Let me first extend my most heartfelt condolences in this trying time. I do understand; art desecration is a terrible thing, and it is my understanding that a number of your greatest works were recently destroyed. Take all the time you need until the emotional shock passes.
That said, it would be of some personal comfort to me if you gave some indication of grief or even acknowledgement, however small, for the half dozen dwarves who were wearing them when the collapsing scaffolding cast them screaming into the magma moat.
Regards,
The Overseer
Post by: Hans Lemurson on January 21, 2019, 06:31:07 am
Dear Urist McClothier,"Don't know 'em, didn't see the bodies, don't have to care. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to mourn the loss of fine socks and trousers whose fate I never saw."
Let me first extend my most heartfelt condolences in this trying time. I do understand; art desecration is a terrible thing, and it is my understanding that a number of your greatest works were recently destroyed. Take all the time you need until the emotional shock passes.
That said, it would be of some personal comfort to me if you gave some indication of grief or even acknowledgement, however small, for the half dozen dwarves who were wearing them when the collapsing scaffolding cast them screaming into the magma moat.
Regards,
The Overseer
Post by: Indricotherium on January 25, 2019, 12:04:54 pm
Yes, you are weak and slow to heal and are terrified. However, your compatriot in arms was just on the other side of the door to the caverns battling a troll all by themselves. One by one, you could hear their arms break, their left hip crushed, their eye gouged out. And yet they fought on, kicking with their last leg and managing, of all things, to bite the troll right in the face and twist its head around savagely. Their desperate shouts for help rang in your ears while you piddled your pants, knuckles white around your weapon and shield.
It was not until two other monster hunters showed up that the three of you attacked and made short work of the troll.
For Luc the Marksman however, it was too late. Shortly thereafter, Luc bled out as the three of you stood by.
I cannot decide yet whether to expel you for cowardice or keep you around to see if this event will change you for the better.
Post by: Cydonian Monk on January 25, 2019, 05:14:49 pm
I understand your confusion, really, I do. The fort you have been tasked to guard is, in fact, named SunThrone. Throne is part of its name. We do have aspirations of one day becoming a metropolis, challenging the MountainHome, and welcoming the King and his court to live here in our glorious new project.
This does not mean SunThrone is actually a Throne, or in anyway ready to support a monarch. We are a small force of 20 brave souls, and have yet to finish our first winter. The Polar Bears still growl outside our gates. We possess a well, a farm, and five or six sheep. We have brewed a few kegs of our own wine. This, however, is the extent of our wealth. SunThrone is not yet a home fit for a Baron, let alone a King.
And so, despite the conclusion of your recent "polite discussion with your local rivals", we must unfortunately deny your claim to the Kingship of The Metal of Infamy. You are not yet ready to lead your own militia squad, let alone an entire civilization.
Please return to your guard post, which has been moved underneath the atom smasher bridge.
Regards,
Your Expedition Leader.
Post by: Bumber on January 26, 2019, 02:03:59 am
I cannot decide yet whether to expel you for cowardice or keep you around to see if this event will change you for the better.Dear Expedition Leader,
In some forts I've visited, they solve cowardice by throwing the coward in a room with weak creatures and forcing them to fight. Sure, you can train discipline through combat drills, but real fights seem much more appropriate (and entertaining) in this case.
Just a suggestion,
Monster Hunter
Post by: methylatedspirit on January 31, 2019, 07:36:49 am
What's wrong with you? Why do you declare that there is no "non-economic stone", even when I designated an entire z-level for mining? I could see the microcline, the gabbro, both non-economic stones. Really, why? I even checked that I hadn't restricted them by accident. I had forbidden every single thing in Craftright, then reclaimed everything, thinking that this was related to the brewing incident, in which all of you declared that there was no food to brew alcohol out from.
You're all lucky I couldn't drown you all, since the river was frozen all year round and I don't know how to use pumps. I was rooting for all of you, because there was hematite that just so happened to be in the walls of your bedrooms. Sure, the caravans provided the fortress with 99% of its weapons and armor, but I was hoping that, combined with the marble in the second cavern layer, you'd all be able to make steel weapons, armor and bolts on your own, just in case the elven civilization decided to invade or something.
Regards,
Your (former) overseer.
Post by: Indricotherium on January 31, 2019, 09:33:57 am
Well played. That dormitory is like Grand Central Station and yet there were no witnesses to your foul deed!
Still, your overconfidence shall be your undoing. I have been saving that caged zombie elf for a reason you know...
Yours,
The Overseer of Raspedlances
Post by: Eric Blank on February 01, 2019, 05:31:22 pm
You do know vampires and zombies are like best buddies, dont you?
Sincerely, A. Vampire
Post by: Bumber on February 02, 2019, 11:52:14 am
Dear overseer of Raspedlances,
You do know vampires and zombies are like best buddies, dont you?
Sincerely, A. Vampire
Sure, hang out with your buddy. Don't mind the fact that everyone else seems to be freaking out for some reason.
Post by: Derro on February 04, 2019, 09:56:03 am
Firstly, you took the expedition leader post that I had intended for someone else. Then, when I give you the simplest task possible - chain up a turkey outside so we can investigate the horrid murk - you don't simply waltz through the murk while moving the turkey, but even go take a nap in there. At least you helped me discover that it causes slow and painful death, so I guess justice got served.
Post by: Indricotherium on February 06, 2019, 11:53:04 am
Dear overseer of Raspedlances,
You do know vampires and zombies are like best buddies, dont you?
Sincerely, A. Vampire
Sure, hang out with your buddy. Don't mind the fact that everyone else seems to be freaking out for some reason.
You get it. :) Too bad I released the zombie into the general population like a numbskull when I got distracted by a migrant wave and forgot to lock the airlock of the holding facility. :o
Post by: that_eye on February 09, 2019, 06:24:54 pm
You have the craftsdwarfship labor enabled. If you're stressed out due to going too long without practicing creativity, just take a craftsdwarf station job! You're really good at burning wood, but that doesn't have to be ALL you ever do. Just chill on the throwing cups around, please.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on February 13, 2019, 03:12:37 pm
Dear Wood Burner Nil uristlogem,
You have the craftsdwarfship labor enabled. If you're stressed out due to going too long without practicing creativity, just take a craftsdwarf station job! You're really good at burning wood, but that doesn't have to be ALL you ever do. Just chill on the throwing cups around, please.
Make some cups, then see if you want to throw them afterwards.
Post by: TD1 on February 14, 2019, 05:58:17 am
Post by: PineMarten on February 15, 2019, 11:08:10 am
I am quite frankly perplexed by your recent actions. Why was it that only a recruit and our poorly trained marksdwarf summoned enough courage to engage the towering humanoid of flame, while all 18 of you other much more skilled soldiers stood back and peered into the deadly flaming vapors it was spraying? Perhaps if you had acted at all reasonably we might have killed it and prevented the destruction of our entire fortress. I hope you enjoy choking on the smoke of burning corpses.
Sincerely, your !!Mayor!!.
Post by: Urist McUristUrist on February 18, 2019, 05:26:09 am
Please take the dismembered archered body parts to the graveyard already. It's been a season, everyone has had an existential crisis after retching in on miasma, and yet, his coffin, even though properly designated as his place of eternal rest, is still empty. I know this is terrifying so you need to cancel the job, but please consider how the fishermen have to walk through there EVERYDAY, yet, can clean the fish without running away in terror.
Sincerelly, your mayor.
Post by: Fish Preferred on February 18, 2019, 03:15:36 pm
Just, how? How did you manage to fill every space you've ever mined out with water while I was gone? How did you keep the water there until the moment I got back?
To the few of you who were aboveground during this time, good luck. All of your friends and families here are dead; drowned, if not flash frozen in glacial ice as a gruesome reminder of what results from a prank taken too far. One day, future settlers - perhaps wanting to convert it into an amusement park or a museum of Ancient Dwarven Society - might deem it worthwhile to drain and excavate the area, but not us. Goodby.
Sincerely, your erstwhile overseer.
Spoiler: Translation (click to show/hide)
Post by: HMD Majesty on February 20, 2019, 06:51:07 pm
I did have you buried. Your body rests in a wooden coffin, and has not been disturbed since it was placed there. Why are you haunting the fortress, and why did you wait for about a year or more to start?
I notice that you are merely restless, and so far have simply hung about the place. Thank you.
By my hand,
HMD
Dear Outpost Liaison Ducim Rockstoked,
I couldn't help but notice that despite having come here to hold a meeting with the Expedition Leader you were most recently spotted heading away from both entrances post-haste. Given that a giant red squirrel had been spotted around where you were last sited, I can only presume you were running from the squirrel. Now, while I do fully understand why the thought of going anywhere near a giant squirrel might intimidate you, not only was the squirrel in question running away from you but there was another serviceable entrance that was also away from the squirrel.
In future, please be aware that Boardtorrid has entrances in opposite corners of the map. Thank you.
By my hand,
HMD
To Whom It May Concern,
I have received notice that someone went for a drink and was interrupted by one of the squirrels currently in the region. Not only is there a aquifer-fed well in the fortress, but the squirrels are nowhere near the only clean source of drinking water on the surface. While I did designate a murky pool as a water source, I have also designated the well pond as a water source and removed the designation from the murky pool.
Because of this, you are no longer allowed to choose where you drink from.
By my hand,
HMD
Post by: Superdorf on February 21, 2019, 07:14:09 pm
To those whom it may concern:
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not mad or anything. I'd just like to know... how.
How did you do this.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You just built this wall section. There's no possible way any of you could get up there. How is it already covered in blood.
Explain this to me.
Post by: callisto8413 on February 22, 2019, 07:29:56 pm
It is JUST rain. Think of it as near-beer and get on with life. And stop hitting the pigs. I don't like it when my bacon is abused.
Lovingly,
Overseer.
Post by: HMD Majesty on February 22, 2019, 10:01:54 pm
It has come to my attention that not only are you leaving buckets by the side of ponds, but you are also complaining that the buckets are being lost or destroyed. I assure you, they are still intact and findable.
More problematically, I have noticed that you are taking it upon yourselves to dump all wool, skin, and hair. It has gotten so bad that I have started habitually going through the dump when the spinners and leather workers complain that they are unable to do their jobs. Please stop doing this, or I will find the person responsible and make them sleep outside. Thank you.
By my hand,
HMD
To Whom It May Concern,
It has been revealed to me that the 'job item' that you were complaining about was in fact the pond zone. Would it really have been so hard to tell me that the pond wasn't suitable?
By my hand,
HMD
To Inod Kiramost,
Not only are there unowned bedrooms just waiting for someone to lay claim to them, but I seem to recall seeing your name listed as a room owner. You should not ever need to sleep anywhere there might be dangerous terrain.
Why did I receive notice that you were unable to sleep because of the terrain?
By my hand,
HMD
Post by: TubaDragoness on February 24, 2019, 12:30:09 pm
To Whom It May Concern,
It has come to my attention that not only are you leaving buckets by the side of ponds, but you are also complaining that the buckets are being lost or destroyed. I assure you, they are still intact and findable.
More problematically, I have noticed that you are taking it upon yourselves to dump all wool, skin, and hair. It has gotten so bad that I have started habitually going through the dump when the spinners and leather workers complain that they are unable to do their jobs. Please stop doing this, or I will find the person responsible and make them sleep outside. Thank you.
By my hand,
HMD
To Overseer HMD,
'T'ain't our fault for followin' standing orders, now, is it? Maybe we should review those and see if them ink smudges were a'purpose or not.
Yrs,
Dabbling Hauler
(Check your (o)rders > (r)efuse menu and be sure that wool and skin are set to "save".)
Post by: andrian on February 24, 2019, 07:08:20 pm
I understand that it's still early days and I have yet to designate proper accommodations for you, but this sudden refusal to work will not fix the problem. If you wish to strike, please provide me with a list of demands, so that we can come to some agreement. Our supplies will not last forever, so unless you wish to die of starvation or insanity, I suggest you make some move toward resolving our differences so that the fortress can prosper.
Sincerely,
Your exasperated and very puzzled overlord
Post by: nezclaw on February 24, 2019, 10:02:08 pm
If you would please do something about the corpses lying around that would be splendid. I know the recent changes to the stress system have been hard on you, but leaving bodies around to generate miasma isn't gonna help that any, ok?
By the way, would everyone bitten by a weretortoise please report to the hospital for quarantine?
Post by: Deus Machina on March 13, 2019, 06:34:56 am
I don't know what your issue is, whether you think you dropped something (you didn't), or want to admire your carved fortification, that crappy floodgate, or the rough orthoclase walls, but if you continue to run up the filling well pipe until you get your head under water, get pushed down into the well, climb your bruised drowning self out, and repeat this, I won't be inclined to close the flow off.
I would have, but you're both learning to swim and being a big enough moron that I doubt it would be any major loss if you do drown.
Post by: Deus Machina on March 14, 2019, 02:41:55 am
STOP.
The fortress isn't yet three years old and we've hosted seven of you. One of which roasted a jabberer and camped under the tree it set on fire until it collapsed and killed it, one got literally torn apart by wrestlers (a man made from mud, really?), the next killed the entire military and then got its skull caved in by a random spinner, another got unceremoniously eaten by a GCS, and the most threatening one got cocky in charging the resident bling ogres who didn't break a sweat beating it to death, and two just wandered off.
Seriously, give it a rest.
Post by: Kagus on March 14, 2019, 05:47:51 am
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
Post by: MobRules on March 14, 2019, 09:59:35 am
In addition to saving the lives of several civilians by buying them time to run inside, I am impressed by the positive attitude you maintained throughout.
Your tomb will reflect this.
(https://i.imgur.com/Ge5oeRp.png)
Post by: Deus Machina on March 15, 2019, 01:54:04 am
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
Well, that was a typo (how my spellcheck doesn't catch 'bling' I haven't the foggiest), but now I'm choosing to believe the largest of them is wearing a polished forgotten beast skull on a chain.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on March 16, 2019, 12:11:50 pm
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
Well, that was a typo (how my spellcheck doesn't catch 'bling' I haven't the foggiest), but now I'm choosing to believe the largest of them is wearing a polished forgotten beast skull on a chain.
(https://i.postimg.cc/fLSgmxyx/blingogre.png)
He can't see anyway.
Post by: Hengikjoptr on March 19, 2019, 01:56:17 pm
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ahem... Couldn't resist. Now, back to memo'ing...
Dear Urists McMigrants,
Where is that goldern scroll you brought?!
I'm really interested in censoring whatever freaky fiction with 'The Dwarf, My Life' title you brought.
Sincerely,
Hengikjoptr the Unsure
Post by: brotundbutter on March 20, 2019, 01:01:50 am
I know starting a new fortress is exhausting work, and I know you're very tired after hauling everything in from the wagon, but if you could stay awake for five minutes and place the bed you just made, you could have a much better rest than if you just step out of your workshop and plop down in the dirt. I'm not saying you have to, but if you spend the next five years dwelling on how uncomfortable you were sleeping on the ground, I'm not going to be pleased.
Post by: spazyak on March 20, 2019, 09:17:29 am
I get that you are stressed, I get that you are upset but can you please stop killing those in the clinic who have minor wounds. If you are going o bash anyone in the head, please, let it be a cripple and not someone who just needs a band-aid and a good rinse.
Post by: Firebird766 on March 22, 2019, 09:10:41 pm
Yes, I've designated quite a large amount of terrain for you to dig. And I understand it might seem like a lot of work. But that is no excuse to dig one square, then go all the way to the stairs, down one floor, back so you can dig another square in the same general location but one floor down, only to go back up the squares to dig the square next to the one you originally dug.
I swear to Armok, I will throw the both of you in with the Doomed Migrant Squad and send you out to raid a necromancer tower if you keep this up.
Post by: Eric Blank on March 22, 2019, 11:32:32 pm
Post by: Deus Machina on March 23, 2019, 12:32:16 am
When you are assigned armor of every type and no weapons, that means you are expected to train dodging and armor use. Wrestling, punching, etc. is an optional bonus.
It does not mean that, since you don't have weapons, you might as well hang out drinking.
Post by: Deus Machina on March 23, 2019, 01:05:53 am
I demand you make two tables!
Re:demand for tables.
Alright, sir, your tables are finished.
Re:Re:demand for tables.
I want three more tables!
Re:Re:Re:demand for tables.
Fine, sir. Here's three more.
Re:Re:Re:Re:demand for tables.
Thank you, Urist McTablesmith.
TWO MORE TABLES!
Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:demand for tables.
Sigh. Alright, I finished up your ta----_
CRASH
TAAAAAAAABLESSSS!
Post by: NordicNooob on March 23, 2019, 08:00:11 pm
I understand that it can be difficult to go on without your loved ones for an extended period of time, especially since you value family. This is magnified by the fact that the one you are missing is your wife. However, there is unfortunately nothing we can do to help you, as your wife and children must migrate to the fortress of their own free will.
Nonetheless, your extreme unhappiness is unacceptable. We have a large variety of activities and overall working conditions are good. There is no reason for you to be this unhappy, your only unhappy thoughts are from lack of family (which I fully understand and can sympathize with, but cannot do anything about) and your remembrance of the one time you ate without a table for no apparent reason, as the fortress has had a well-established and properly set up dining hall since its founding. If you throw another tantrum I will not hesitate to station you under a drawbridge and lie to your family of your whereabouts should they ever migrate.
Please stop this,
Management
Post by: Dragonslayerelf on March 23, 2019, 11:33:03 pm
Please use less ammo. You dont need to shoot 30 copper bolts into a pig that's already fallen over and is bleeding out. Use your knife for a change.
Dear Urist McSoldier
Please stop going towards the area I told you to station in after cancelling the station order. It was canceled for a reason!
Dear Urist McBroker
The time when the merchants come is not the time for you to go to bed. Don't go to sleep right as the dwarves finish up bringing stuff to the depot.
Post by: Tymewalk on March 24, 2019, 02:12:03 pm
I not only started brewing again after I ran out of drinks, but I also had no less than three water sources designated above ground. This means you can drink water, and you don't have to drink vomit (where did you even find that, by the way?)
Post by: Jdorf on March 26, 2019, 07:08:21 pm
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
I mean...the dwarves, ultimately, are the bling ogres, right?
(PS: M.C. Hammerdwarf, "Cancel: Beating time")
Post by: Deus Machina on March 27, 2019, 01:17:24 am
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
I mean...the dwarves, ultimately, are the bling ogres, right?
(PS: M.C. Hammerdwarf, "Cancel: Beating time")
I wish there was a way to favorite all these posts.
Post by: methylatedspirit on March 27, 2019, 01:18:20 am
Post by: Imic on April 01, 2019, 10:48:41 am
As you know, due to unexpected issues with the farm irrigatiom system, we have no farms for the forseeable future, and we can’t make more.
So fish.
You stupid stupid Dwarf would you ever FISH!
THERE’S A STREAM RIGHT THERE! THE ICE JUST DISSAPEARED!
WHY!
WON’T!
YOU!
FISH!
Post by: Superdorf on April 01, 2019, 10:52:08 am
Post by: Imic on April 01, 2019, 10:58:42 am
Post by: nuget102 on April 04, 2019, 02:34:09 pm
Please stop running off to go grab drinks when there's a forgotten beast knocking a door down.
Post by: Ulfarr on April 13, 2019, 01:27:15 pm
Stop crying about not having enough time to pray, it's your fault you worship ten different gods. You 've been off work for almost two years, get your shit together.
Post by: Dragonslayerelf on April 15, 2019, 08:31:39 am
Why do you run into the caverns to pick up clothes from people that died to a forgotten beast that is literally right there? You should know better.
Post by: Shockwave07 on April 16, 2019, 06:02:36 pm
We appreciate your love of this past time, but we also hate the fact that you have wasted a potential food supply, refused to build a fishery, and littered the shores with rotting fish, turtles, and shellfish!
Instead of helping your clan sustain you have doomed the whole clan to hunting vermin and slowly succumbing to depression and death.
Too bad for you,
Your mysterious voice in your heads.
Post by: Superdorf on April 16, 2019, 07:10:09 pm
Post by: Shockwave07 on April 16, 2019, 09:58:25 pm
Alas, fisherdwarves will prioritize fishing over most everything else. It's usually best to appoint a dedicated fish cleaner, rather than make the fisherdwarf do it.
Dead Urist Mcfishcleaner,
You could have helped...
Voice in your head.
But as an aside, is there any way to tell a dwarf to get on a job?
Post by: Eric Blank on April 17, 2019, 07:11:02 pm
Really, its best to have several dwarves with fish cleaning/dissecting labors, I usually assign those to a fraction of my farmers. Fisherdwarves are lazy gits.
Post by: Shockwave07 on April 18, 2019, 03:39:08 pm
I realize I might not be the best at providing goods for you yet, but if you must hunt vermin, please do not form conga lines through the stockpiles!
Spread out and find your own vermin to catch...
Again,
A mysterious voice in your heads.
Post by: brewer bob on April 21, 2019, 07:06:14 am
I know you like to hide and think it's funny, but please stop climbing up the citron trees. You know perfectly well that you can't find your way down from there, and will starve to death. Despite what you may think, I am not planning to murder you, though, I might change my mind soon, since my sensitive fruit gathering dwarf was spooked by your skeletal remains.
Signed, your not-at-all-amused Overseer
Post by: Craftsdwarf boi on April 24, 2019, 02:43:59 am
Please stop planting plump helmets due to our seed shortage.
Signed,
an unknown entity
Post by: Imic on April 27, 2019, 02:49:54 am
COOK THE FUCKING FOOD YOU ABSOLUTE PILLOCK!
Yours, Imic.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on May 06, 2019, 10:09:52 am
If you need surgery, please remain in the hospital. Please do not cancel your surgery
Dear surgeon
Do the surgeries on those who need it, you have a hospital to work at now
Post by: pikachu17 on May 06, 2019, 11:48:52 am
Dear Urist Mcfarmboy(s)You want them to not plant them, because you don't have plump helmet spawn? Or are you saying you want them to plant seeds you don't have much of?
Please stop planting plump helmets due to our seed shortage.
Signed,
an unknown entity
Post by: Craftsdwarf boi on May 07, 2019, 09:44:41 pm
Post by: Splint on May 07, 2019, 09:58:21 pm
Just because the armored militia is swarming around the corner to kill that wearbeast does not make it okay to render that 4 year old's sacrifice void by risking you and your infant's unarmored lives by trying to "help" kill it. Just take your kid and run. it's not that hard, especially not when someone else's kid was brave enough to slow it down so you could get to safety. You only got in the militia's way it was only blind luck that the axe recruit took the thing's head off before it could bite you or your daughter.
Signed, overseer.
Post by: TD1 on May 10, 2019, 08:48:14 am
Just a generator, nothing to see here.
Post by: Dunamisdeos on May 10, 2019, 06:44:34 pm
Quote
Dear Urist"
I guess you're right. It's a bit embarrassing, but I don't want to be known as the man who didn't think twice about posting a picture of our heads.
Post by: JEB Davis on May 10, 2019, 09:28:37 pm
Please wear the metal footwear as prescribed by your uniform.
Thank you.
(yes, I know this is a known issue)
Post by: 《monty》 on May 11, 2019, 03:18:48 am
(https://i.imgur.com/SuQuHFv.png)
When this stockpile is full I am dropping you and and your collection into the volcano.
Post by: Superdorf on May 11, 2019, 09:21:49 am
Post by: 《monty》 on May 11, 2019, 02:26:42 pm
Ahhahaha. Spoken like a true Bay12er... but why kill her off? You'll just get another mandating monarch in replacement, no?
I just need one who likes menacing spikes and nothing else. So I guess Vlad the Impaler is the ideal DF monarch.
Post by: Deus Machina on May 12, 2019, 07:38:01 pm
Had a military that kept equipped with shields solely because of one baron's military spending plan.
Post by: GPeter on June 13, 2019, 04:04:30 pm
Post by: SpaceMetal on June 23, 2019, 09:58:09 am
Yes, I know you're worried about "not being able to pray to Limul." Well, there's a temple to Limul right down the hall, but you just stick around where you are praying to one of the other four gods you worship even though you're unfettered after praying to that one.
Armok - and all the other gods - help those who help themselves.
- Yr benevolent overlord
Post by: Superdorf on June 23, 2019, 11:01:39 pm
Post by: nezclaw on June 27, 2019, 01:40:10 am
You have had Mr Crystalgrowl on the operating table for well over a year. Why in Armok's name have you not patched him up? You have all the materials, RIGHT??
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Codyrex123 on June 28, 2019, 02:22:23 pm
You had to build one segment of wall to keep the besiegers out when they arrived, everything else was taken care of, but no, you just HAD to keep using it like a door. Even after I had restricted you to a burrow in attempt to get it prioritized, and then after that failed, screwed with every single dwarf's orders to construct, you still insisted on no job or hauling rocks and logs around. Well, take a look at the fortress now, burning from the inside by their magma spewing lizards! Now all that wood you so desperately hauled inside while refusing to seal it up is burning and filling the fortress with smoke. Oh, and we had a chance to fight them off with a few more months of training our marksdwarves too. Lets not forget that they stole only one of our masterworks before leaving us alone, the very least you could have done after failing so catastrophically is seal the entrance behind them so that they wouldn't of ever gotten away with one of our artifacts!
So you know what? You can be the pathway to your own doom, even more so then this, I'll just order the most loyal, dumb dwarf to open the input tunnel and close the output channel and let the fortress flood with all of you inside, at least its sealed now so we won't ruin the countryside with your corpses and water.
-Dis-pleasantly
A very vengeful overseer
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on June 28, 2019, 04:09:05 pm
Post by: Large Wereroach on June 30, 2019, 06:52:39 am
Post by: bloop_bleep on July 01, 2019, 12:28:14 pm
Post by: Zagskrag on July 01, 2019, 04:00:55 pm
I know you love those copper battle axes, but for Armok's sake just switch over to steel already, we need you to do something else than just kick every goblin besieger's teeth in!
Post by: IncompetentFortressMaker on July 02, 2019, 12:13:58 pm
You could have built that river bridge a more efficient way, you know. You wouldn't have had your fat melted then. Rest In Peace...
(He died due to having his fat melted off his body, presumably bled to death. While trying to build a bridge the least efficient way possible. Embark is in a scorching biome.)
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on July 02, 2019, 01:12:59 pm
Note to Ast Urdimkol, "Ast Towerwheel", Miner (skill: professional) of Zelerlitast, "Primetorch" (outpost):What did the very inefficient bridge look like? I’ve never seen an inefficient bridge before
You could have built that river bridge a more efficient way, you know. You wouldn't have had your fat melted then. Rest In Peace...idiot.
(He died due to having his fat melted off his body, presumably bled to death. While trying to build a bridge the least efficient way possible. Embark is in a scorching biome.)
Post by: IncompetentFortressMaker on July 02, 2019, 01:47:49 pm
...would show a local image if I could but the image format either doesn't use URLs (what else would it use?) or doesn't support Google Drive ones (and Imgur is probably packed full of inappropriate images everywhere).
Post by: Eric Blank on July 02, 2019, 03:00:44 pm
Post by: Bumber on July 02, 2019, 08:23:08 pm
...would show a local image if I could but the image format either doesn't use URLs (what else would it use?) or doesn't support Google Drive ones (and Imgur is probably packed full of inappropriate images everywhere).Make sure your link ends in an image file extension (.jpg, .png, .bmp, .gif). A link to a page containing the image won't work.
Post by: nezclaw on July 02, 2019, 08:56:51 pm
Will you *please* stop canceling the melt metal object orders? There is a TON of Goblinite outside all designated for melting so if you would stop being Armok-damned cowards and fetch it I would be much obliged. The doors are OPEN for crying out loud.
Post by: Large Wereroach on July 03, 2019, 03:23:37 pm
Post by: brewer bob on July 04, 2019, 08:08:09 am
Stop using your newly found powers to reanimate skeletons and corpses while hunting. The military is sick and tired of cleaning your mess. We did not steal and copy the books containing the secrets of life and death for you to be a nuisance. Be like the other necromancers - they know how to behave.
Signed,
the not so amused Overseer who was afraid this might happen
ps. From this day onwards, you are not allowed to hunt anymore. One of your reindeer bull skeleton pets managed to kick our war jaguar in the head, exploding the part in gore. We now have to hope that the elves will bring us more jaguars so that our breeding program can continue.
pps. We still have a Forgotten Beast that needs to be taken care of in the caverns, and we will send you as a volunteer if you do not comply.
Post by: Vindcara on July 07, 2019, 02:23:35 am
I gave up my mortality and place in society for these powers at your insistence, and by Armok, I'm gonna use them one way or another.
Yours,
Urist McNecromancer
p.s.
So help me, if you put me within a hundred feet of that monster and I survive, you will have an undead forgotten beast to deal with. Think on that nimrod.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on July 07, 2019, 07:39:00 am
Dear overseer nimrod,
I gave up my mortality and place in society for these powers at your insistence, and by Armok, I'm gonna use them one way or another.
Yours,
Urist McNecromancer
p.s.
So help me, if you put me within a hundred feet of that monster and I survive, you will have an undead forgotten beast to deal with. Think on that nimrod.
Dear Urist McNecromancer,I am very curious how this will turn out
Stop using your newly found powers to reanimate skeletons and corpses while hunting. The military is sick and tired of cleaning your mess. We did not steal and copy the books containing the secrets of life and death for you to be a nuisance. Be like the other necromancers - they know how to behave.
Signed,
the not so amused Overseer who was afraid this might happen
ps. From this day onwards, you are not allowed to hunt anymore. One of your reindeer bull skeleton pets managed to kick our war jaguar in the head, exploding the part in gore. We now have to hope that the elves will bring us more jaguars so that our breeding program can continue.
pps. We still have a Forgotten Beast that needs to be taken care of in the caverns, and we will send you as a volunteer if you do not comply.
Post by: Imic on July 07, 2019, 08:16:49 am
STOP HAULING! I DEACTIVATED HAULING ON YOU! WHY! WHY ARE YOU HAULING! PEOPLE ARE DYING YOU BRAINLESS GARDEN ORNAMENT!
-Imic, overseer.
Post by: Superdorf on July 07, 2019, 09:46:37 am
Post by: brewer bob on July 07, 2019, 01:09:07 pm
I am very curious how this will turn out
Turned out it was actually the Overseer who was to be blamed, for he had forgotten to order the dwarves to collect refuse outdoors (which is why there were so many corpses & skeletons lying around). So, Urist McNecromancer got to continue their hunting hobby... And the Forgotten Beast was dealt with a cave-in trap using an artifact door set as bait (so far it's been succesfully used on 3 beasts and currently waiting for the fourth to notice the bait).
Post by: Firebird766 on July 16, 2019, 10:10:52 pm
This order for bins and animal traps has been active for half a year. I have removed all other labors and checked to make sure the workshop wasn’t blocked. GET ON WITH IT!
Signed,
-Your annoyed Overseer
Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader,
You have a nice bedroom, all the performances you’ll ever want, and a delightful selection of mystery meat lavish meals to choose from. Despite this, you seem to prefer to be upset about not interacting with family (because they opted not to join you on the trip to the fortress) and about drinking booze without a mug a year ago. Cheer up already!
Signed,
-Emphatically not your therapist.
Dear Urist McBard,
Whyyyyy did you suddenly drop dead in the middle of the tavern? And why did no one care? I just had like twenty migrants walk right by your corpse without so much as a blink.
Signed,
-A very perplexed Overseer
Dear Elves,
I moved next to you because you had tamed Giant Grizzly Bears and I wanted in on that. You brought me songbirds and an aardvark that no one has deigned to claim as a pet yet. Please bring me tamed Giant Grizzly Bears next time or I swear to Armok I will- uh, probably not declare war because I want those on my side and not against it, but I will be very unhappy with you!
Signed,
-A good trading partner I swear
Post by: TubaDragoness on July 17, 2019, 11:27:37 am
I craft all sorts of lovely wooden things, but if ye want intricate moving parts that will actually catch a critter, ye might want to call in an expert. Or at least somebody that's read a book.
Yours, Urist McCarpenter
(Wiki indicates that trapmaking is governed by the Trapper skill, not carpentry or metalsmithing. The material just affects which workshop is used. No idea about the bins, but if the traps are higher in the priority, it might be blocking them.)
Post by: recon1o6 on July 17, 2019, 02:48:32 pm
Do not swim up the water cistern we installed specifically for
the Overseer
Post by: Ianflow on July 17, 2019, 03:11:19 pm
(Wiki indicates that trapmaking is governed by the Trapper skill, not carpentry or metalsmithing. The material just affects which workshop is used. No idea about the bins, but if the traps are higher in the priority, it might be blocking them.)
(and really that's just a matter of having the correct labor on right?)
Post by: HMD Majesty on July 22, 2019, 10:18:21 pm
Rattlesnakes are very dangerous. If you encounter one in the course of your duties, We prefer you to run away.
If you decide that you must engage a rattlesnake, We recommend not grabbing them by the teeth as it will not prevent them from attacking.
We are aware that Our miner seems to have been unharmed by her encounter, but as the snake did in fact successfully strike her twice, We are reserving judgement on the matter.
On that note, the dump zone has been moved following the two combat reports of "attacked by logs".
TO ALL MEMBERS OF THIS FORTRESS:
If this Fortress falls into Ruin because none of you could be bothered to place Our Miner into her Final Resting Place, We will not seek to reclaim it but let it stand as a Monument to your Stupidity.
Not only is it disrespectful to allow the Current State of Affairs to continue, but We cannot reach past the Aquifer with her Body in the way.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on July 23, 2019, 06:21:56 am
To Whom It May Concern:Attacked by logs? When did logs become hostile?
Rattlesnakes are very dangerous. If you encounter one in the course of your duties, We prefer you to run away.
If you decide that you must engage a rattlesnake, We recommend not grabbing them by the teeth as it will not prevent them from attacking.
We are aware that Our miner seems to have been unharmed by her encounter, but as the snake did in fact successfully strike her twice, We are reserving judgement on the matter.
On that note, the dump zone has been moved following the two combat reports of "attacked by logs".
TO ALL MEMBERS OF THIS FORTRESS:
If this Fortress falls into Ruin because none of you could be bothered to place Our Miner into her Final Resting Place, We will not seek to reclaim it but let it stand as a Monument to your Stupidity.
Not only is it disrespectful to allow the Current State of Affairs to continue, but We cannot reach past the Aquifer with her Body in the way.
Post by: pikachu17 on July 23, 2019, 10:41:27 am
Post by: HMD Majesty on July 23, 2019, 11:49:13 am
To Whom It May Concern:Attacked by logs? When did logs become hostile?
Rattlesnakes are very dangerous. If you encounter one in the course of your duties, We prefer you to run away.
If you decide that you must engage a rattlesnake, We recommend not grabbing them by the teeth as it will not prevent them from attacking.
We are aware that Our miner seems to have been unharmed by her encounter, but as the snake did in fact successfully strike her twice, We are reserving judgement on the matter.
On that note, the dump zone has been moved following the two combat reports of "attacked by logs".
TO ALL MEMBERS OF THIS FORTRESS:
If this Fortress falls into Ruin because none of you could be bothered to place Our Miner into her Final Resting Place, We will not seek to reclaim it but let it stand as a Monument to your Stupidity.
Not only is it disrespectful to allow the Current State of Affairs to continue, but We cannot reach past the Aquifer with her Body in the way.
The answer to your question is that the combat reports do not distinguish between 'was attacked by log' and 'had log dropped on them'. Any dwarf who has logs fall onto them or into their space reports it as a fight against logs.
They also report cave-ins in this manner.
To All Hunters:
If We receive another report of someone retreating from a pangolin that did not even attempt to attack, We shall be most displeased and will remove all permission to hunt.
Post by: Deus Machina on July 23, 2019, 06:07:09 pm
We have plenty of free beds in the hospital. Very few tables and traction benches, but there are a couple and we're getting the rest set up.
There's really no reason to dump injured dorfs on the floor in the corner.
Post by: HMD Majesty on July 24, 2019, 04:26:45 pm
We do not have Iron. We do not have Steel. We do not have Iron Ore. We do not have enough spare Iron Objects to smelt. It is only due to Our Magic that We know there is any Iron Ore here at all, and it is twenty Levels below Our Fortress.
We have better Things to be digging at this Time then Mineshafts, such as your Quarters. We will not mine for Iron Ore until these other Projects are complete. We will attempt to trade for Iron, Steel, or Iron Ore from the yearly Caravan when it comes.
If We have Reason to believe that the Anvils will not be made in time, We will be forced to take Drastic Action.
Post by: Firebird766 on July 24, 2019, 11:25:22 pm
Fancy yourself a noble, do you? Don’t think I can’t see that shiny little “Lord” title you’ve been trotting out recently. Don’t think I also can’t see that you’ve decided to turn off all labors for yourself. And that really isn’t acceptable at all.
Take a look at our first noble. He’s the Baron, and guess what? The Baron mines. The Baron hauls. The Baron doesn’t consider himself too good for manual labor like you seem to. The Baron is even smart enough to mandate orders for things we were going to make anyway. So while he is welcome in this fortress, you are not. Go join those elven fellows up north who randomly decided we’re awesome. Don’t come back unless you’re ready to start moving stone.
Cheers,
-Your most generous Overseer
Dear Urist McRanger,
I took off all your ranger labors and canceled the “gather silk” request at the loom for a reason. This reason was to keep you out of the caverns, because there was a troll and a cave crocodile down there and I hadn’t yet attached the drawbridge to a lever. Why did you not only go down there, but bring your baby with you? It’s your own fault the poor thing was bitten to death, and I will send you and your husband to go live up north with the self-appointed Lord if you let the downward stress spiral end in a tantrum.
At least the crocodile got itself stuck in a cage trap while chasing you. Now I can see about finding a male for the Kickass Crocodile Breeding Program.
Also stop using all the metal bolts. Those are for the military. Rangers get bone bolts.
Cheers,
-A facepalming Overseer
Post by: HMD Majesty on July 25, 2019, 01:35:10 am
Do not walk through Water Reactors. The Tile the Pump draws from is only dry most of the Time.
Furthermore, We do not approve of cancelling your Task because of the Dangerous Terrain you chose to walk through.
You are all fortunate that We found your Antics amusing this once.
Post by: recon1o6 on July 26, 2019, 06:50:49 am
Complaining you're too sober and fed up of water to brew alcohol is completely unacceptable. Its your own fault you're on break and unhappy when you decided to go socialising instead of brewing when I gave you that urgent order last month!
Your's drunkenly off his private stash
Overseer
Post by: Deus Machina on July 27, 2019, 10:48:24 pm
You somehow keep injuring yourself mining. Every method I've tried has failed, and this is the third time you broke something.
Do it again, and I'm going to give you one of our nice steel picks and send you out to play with one of the FBs running around in the cavern.
Post by: HMD Majesty on July 29, 2019, 05:48:17 pm
We are aware that some of your Masterpieces have gone missing, most memorably a Mussel Roast.
We are certain that it, and all the other missing Masterpieces, were indeed wonderful Meals that should have been eaten. However, every one of them was spewing Purple Clouds of Rot before their Disappearance.
Because of this, We refuse to look into the Matter any further.
Post by: Urist McShire on July 29, 2019, 07:54:30 pm
You had one job. In fact, you had the very first job ever designated in this fort. So please, explain to me how it was that you allowed those falling cherry logs to explode your right hand into a fountain of gore?
Your frustrated overlord (who now has to abandon everything to set up the hospital for your incompetent ass)
Post by: Firebird766 on July 30, 2019, 07:53:27 pm
We have a civilian alert named “GET INSIDE.” What it means is “get inside”. As in, march your merry little drunken ass behind the hall o’ cage traps along with everyone else non-military. Would you kindly explain why the two of you continued to pick pears instead? Explain quickly, though, since as soon as you’re on your feet again I’ll be putting you in a
-Your very annoyed overseer.
Post by: IncompetentFortressMaker on July 31, 2019, 12:57:05 pm
1. Remove/deactivate any garbage dump zones, plant gathering zones, pit/pond zones, pen zones, etc. that are generating the job. ("Pen/Pasture X1 (X2)" means you need to deactivate a pasture zone, if the job has a dwarf doing it. The j - Jobs - menu is helpful here. X1 is name of animal, if it has one; X2 is taming status, ranging from Semi-Wild to ☼Trained☼ if not domesticated by your civ; Tame is reserved for domesticated animals pretty much)
2. If the job is question isn't caused by a zone, hit x when selected on either the job (if in jobs menu) or the dwarf doing it (if in unit list menu); either way, the worker doing the job will be set to "Inactive", meaning none. If x is unavailable (meaning you can't remove a worker from the job; designation jobs often have this, as do "jobs" that fulfill basic needs, I.E. eating/drinking/sleeping) you can try to cancel it, but if that fails too (non-workshop-task jobs usually can't be cancelled), you may not be able to save your dwarf. Activities are a different thing entirely, and can't be cancelled by you or have workers removed from them. (Text in green or in magenta with "!"? You have yourself an activity. Some examples below.)
(https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/336198480756473856/606182377760358484/unknown.png)
(https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/336198480756473856/606182208931233952/unknown.png)
Post by: juicebox on August 03, 2019, 02:00:49 am
When I figure out which one of you idiots left our only wheelbarrow in the (now flooded) tunnel between the brook and the cistern, I'm having them thrown in after it.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: uncool on August 09, 2019, 09:25:01 am
I realize that your grown desert lime puzzlebox may seem amazing to you, but would you kindly vacate the obsidian farm by the end of the month? You've been playing for an Armok-damned season already! I'm behind on all my construction plans! I didn't have your parents dig out plumbing for a year to provide you a playpen - that's upstairs next to the semi-wild polar bear. I'm strongly considering releasing the magma on you even if your mother's the legendary armorer for the fortress!
Overseer
Dear Urist McChildren,
That's not a damn invitation to play in the second obsidian farm. Not kidding about releasing the magma.
Overseer
Post by: Bumber on August 09, 2019, 07:00:24 pm
Consider using a Civilian Alert.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on August 09, 2019, 07:56:29 pm
@uncoolI hear about civilian alerts, but have no idea what they are or what they do or how to activate them
Consider using a Civilian Alert.
Post by: Bumber on August 09, 2019, 08:19:25 pm
https://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Civilian_alert@uncoolI hear about civilian alerts, but have no idea what they are or what they do or how to activate them
Consider using a Civilian Alert.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on August 09, 2019, 09:21:43 pm
Post by: ulf on August 13, 2019, 03:21:54 am
Swimming across the moat is highly dangerous, and lethal in all cases. None of you guys have any skill swimming, and that is not exactly calm waters... Yes, I am aware that there are no other paths to get in and out. But, by alterting management, we could have opened the back door. It was installed for just this type of scenario.
Expedition leader Urist.
Post by: itisnotlogical on August 17, 2019, 07:44:37 pm
When I told you to drop everything except burial and furniture hauling, I was hoping you'd get the hint and pick up your dead fellow citizen, who is now little more than a pile of pudding and bones. Even the blood has disappeared, he's been laying out there so long. I wanted you to place a coffin in the
Post by: gdog1102 on August 24, 2019, 11:34:05 pm
When you are thirsty and have a bucket next to you, get water and drink. Please don't sit around and die like our mayor did.
The local dwarven government.
Post by: recon1o6 on August 26, 2019, 01:23:55 pm
Look, I get it: doling out punishment is part of your job. Its what you get your leather armour for in case somebody tries resisting arrest.
However I was extremely angry when I discovered that the 2 weeks of jail time allocated to urist MclegendarySwordsmanandsmith had been altered to a beating and then you beat him so hard his lungs collapsed and he died in agonising suffocation.
What in Armok's name possessed you to do this??
Urist's crimes consisted of toppling a single low quality chair and punching an elven bard that was visiting on the 26th of slate, hardly crimes warranting any sort of punishment. Let us examine this in detail
Urist was for all intents and purposes deserving of leniency. He had just left the military on compassionate leave as he had just had to suffer his wife murdered just before he could save her, and then raised by the invading necromancer which then attacked him and he had to put her body down.
He went to the tavern for a well deserved drink only for that elf to start the fight by insulting him and make vile comments about desercrating the corpse further. The elf threw the first punch for Armok's sake when Urist stood up for himself!
Urist was for all intents and purposes holding himself far back when all he did was break a couple of bones in the elf and smash his instrument (which was on the chair)
2 weeks of jail time in the cell with the diamond encrusted masterwork furniture would have done Urist a world of good, giving him time to grieve and shiny craftsdwarfship to admire. In fact, had you done as I initially thought you were in giving him mercy and downgrading his punishment, I would not be writing this letter.
Hell, beating an elf is not grounds for punishment if its retaliation. Just ask those hippies that we executed last week when they ambushed us. He should have had a week in the cells instead of 2 for furniture destruction after we took his circumstances into account.
Instead you beat him. You beat him until he stopped moving then beat him some more. Then had the gall to complain that there were no prison cells available.
How dare you.
There were 3 cells available all for justice (I checked) and on top of that you saw fit to sneak his body outside and throw it on the goblin corpse stockpile instead of burying him in the masterwork tomb heroes like Urist deserved. You even reported him missing during that time.
As I write this, I am realising this is sounding less like a punishment and more like a straight up murder under the cover of duty...
Urist. Please report to the Baroness' chambers at once. I hear she's mandating a wooden carving
Yours
The Overseer
Post by: itisnotlogical on August 26, 2019, 02:09:59 pm
PLEASE STOP. There's a weresomething literally RIGHT THERE. STOP GODDAMN FISHING. None of you even have the fishing labor anymore, you should have stopped fishing hours ago and gone inside to haul cheese or something. Now you're dead, and those of you that aren't dead are going to either be expelled or have a nice, relaxing swim in a locked room near the well.
Post by: UristMcUsername on September 02, 2019, 06:55:34 pm
When I tell you to craft some things you are supposed to craft the things! not sit around socializing for around three months before remembering you have responsibilities.
Post by: Malmensa on September 05, 2019, 12:56:51 am
Great that you are feeling inspired to create something wonderful, but how about you make it something useful? An artifact large rat leather floor grate is pretty, but not much use.
Post by: scourge728 on September 05, 2019, 01:17:16 pm
Post by: itisnotlogical on September 05, 2019, 09:00:34 pm
Really, I'm good on the whole "cheese makers" thing. The first guy you sent was great! No need to send 2-5 more cheese makers with every migrant wave. I could see where you're confused, given how I keep importing iron bars and metal goods due to a lack of skilled labor, but nope the problem is definitely our lack of cheese.
Post by: Deus Machina on September 05, 2019, 09:45:04 pm
I, on the other hand, will take all the cheesemakers you can spare.
I can always use new
Post by: juicebox on September 05, 2019, 10:49:39 pm
I was initially disappointed when I saw you were possessed, as opposed to one of the strange moods, but I figured at least you could make a decent artifact weapon or piece of armor. Instead, you make a low boot. A single low boot. What is anyone supposed to do with just one boot? Our last dwarf who mooded made a shield. Why couldn't you have followed his example? Please just do better.
Sincerely, your overseer
Post by: Crabs on September 06, 2019, 02:50:46 am
when I station you behind the fortifications behind the moat (i.e. a 15 tile deep abyss) and order you to kill the roaming zombies you are NOT supposed to open the door, jump/climb(?) over the 3 tile abyss and then die like a bitch in melee against the zombies. And don't say you didn't have any ammo. Your quiver was almost full.
Post by: nezclaw on September 06, 2019, 11:46:06 pm
Dear Urist McMountainhome,
I asked specifically for lignite and bituminous coal. Would you care to explain why you only sent three pieces, and instead loaded the caravan with an excess of rope? And other such objects that are entirely unnecessary? I have plenty of ability to craft weapons and armor and clothing. You do not need to send more. I promise.
Post by: Superdorf on September 07, 2019, 08:59:38 am
Post by: Imic on September 07, 2019, 04:34:00 pm
Sorry, flashback.
Post by: Superdorf on September 07, 2019, 04:55:27 pm
Caravans tend to bring a ton of meltable metalwork too; the stuff's expensive but if you're rich enough perhaps worth the trouble.
Post by: Atarlost on September 07, 2019, 11:03:29 pm
Post by: Imic on September 10, 2019, 05:04:09 pm
Ususlly, I try to avoid that kind of exploit though.
Post by: nezclaw on September 10, 2019, 08:35:30 pm
Post by: ulf on September 13, 2019, 02:59:40 am
When I requested a hall of memories to be carved for us to remember our fallen in, I had not expected the thing you wanted to remember the most to be 2 unknown goblins fighting in a faraway land. Seriously, with 130 years of good dwarven history, I would have expected that less than 1 in 3 images was of that single goblin on goblin fight.... You can't all be gobophiles can you?
The expedition leader.
Post by: Dragofire on September 18, 2019, 08:50:52 pm
Please stop abusing temple priviliges by spending all day in them instead of working. Any dwarf caught in the temple after three hours inside will be dumped off the gobbo disposal system.
Post by: badiro on September 20, 2019, 04:57:49 am
would you please consider to drop the cobaltite stone when the alarm bell rings. The story the siege engineer told you about the neutron cobalt bomb he wants to build next time a forgotten beast enters the fortress is bullshit, you remember the adamantine war hammer he built?? He is an idiot, run!!
Post by: Urist McUristUrist on September 20, 2019, 05:00:00 am
Dear UristBorn 2 haul
would you please consider to drop the cobaltite stone when the alarm bell rings. The story the siege engineer told you about the neutron cobalt bomb he wants to build next time a forgotten beast enters the fortress is bullshit, you remember the adamantine war hammer he built?? He is an idiot, run!!
Forced 2 live
Dear kobby the kobold shaman or whatever your title is
I have no idea why you consider a 10-dwarf encampment without access to ore or significant amounts of wood "prosperous", but if you're gonna telepatically take an oath of vassalage, could you at please least tell us where your cave is located?
Post by: recon1o6 on September 22, 2019, 04:34:56 am
On a whim, I decided to use some magic and gift the founders of this fort wings and the ability to fly to see what would happen.
Your companion's used this wisely, see how Urist Mchunter took himself to an overlook on the river and crossbow us some birds for dinner or how Urist mcMiner used his new wings to get out of the spike pit when he dug the wrong way and collapsed the stairs.
You on the other hand have been nothing but a nuisance, constantly getting stuck in trees while pasturing our livestock
HOW?? they aren't even supposed to be up there!
Stop forcing me to cut down trees to save your sorry hide or I'm going to cut down the next one on top of you
Signed
The Overseer
Post by: IncompetentFortressMaker on September 22, 2019, 09:02:15 am
You just had to become my civ's diplomat while you were away on a mission, did you? Now what am I going to do with you? Seriously, someone could have thought to notify me of that before you returned with your squad!
Post by: krg on October 31, 2019, 04:46:58 pm
Dear all dwarves,
Congratulations on being the survivors of the goblin siege. I thought that the military would do better, but we all live and learn. Well, the thirteen of us left do anyway.
Now, I know that everybody here has lost somebody. We cant go from ~130 dwarves to 13 in one fight and not lose someone close to us. If there are any surviving mothers with no children left, check if there are kids with no surviving parents and join up. While I understand that grief happens, please build coffins at a decent speed; oh good, the mason is working on that. As they are built, please place them into the communal tomb and bury those that have fallen.
While we are working on that, please place the bodies into the area off to the side. Then they won't be in front of us so bad. Until they are all moved, please be aware that there will be the smell of the dead.
Krg
P.S. It has come to my attention that migrants have come in since. Good, ask them to help us lay our dead to rest.
-------------
There was a goblin siege. Sent the military out to fight, well some of them anyway. Mistake 1.
The goblins were much better than my dwarves at fighting; don't think I had any true military dwarves.
Only survived because I drafted every dwarf into the military and got to watch the number of dwarves plummet.
Post by: KaleNipClaw on October 31, 2019, 08:56:55 pm
Post by: KaleNipClaw on October 31, 2019, 09:08:33 pm
Dear Urist McHuntsforus, don't let a wombat interrupt your hunt. Kill the blighter! What's more important: the fortress getting some protein or a wittle, fuzzy, wuzzy, innocent wombat living to see another day in this definitely-much-less-than-perfect world?Dear Urist McHuntsforus, my most formal apology. I did not realize that wombats have the ability to fight. That being said, could you let Urists McMiney, McDiggy and McWoody know that I don't appreciate them sleeping on the job?
Post by: recon1o6 on November 01, 2019, 06:19:17 am
Urist, while you are gifted with flight when you have transformed under the full moon, please remember that when you change back it is no longer the case. So stop flying 7 z-levels in the air close to dawn and end up having to spend the next month in bed recovering. Its your own fault you are getting miserable at being unable to practice a craft when you end up spending most of your days in hospital
From
The overseer
Post by: wooks on November 01, 2019, 11:19:23 am
Post by: recon1o6 on November 02, 2019, 08:26:56 am
now every full moon i just stick urist outside in case a goblin siege comes.
Post by: TeaAndRum on November 11, 2019, 08:45:36 pm
Post by: Fire and Glory on November 18, 2019, 01:16:09 am
When it has been stated that the furniture stockpiles will no longer hold electrum statues. And a new stockpile has been made that exclusively holds statues made of electrum. I would assume that even dwarves of your low intelligence would be able to deduce that you should move the electrum statues to the electrum statue stockpile.
Obviously this is not the case, so I will state it here now. Go do that. I see you idling. You're holding up the production of the temple dedicated to our pantheon. So unless you want to earn the ire of the gods you should get it done.
Sincerely, the overseer of Bridgedrilled.
Post by: snakesoul on November 20, 2019, 10:33:55 am
If you are waiting for Urist McLever to open the bridge, it would be nice if you could step back a little bit, otherwise the bridge will smash you.
Thanks.
Post by: Ulfarr on November 25, 2019, 07:38:54 am
This is a giant lion tamarin, it might be bigger than usual but it’s still a mostly harmless and benign animal. And this is a giant python that can swallow you whole if it wanted to. Can you see why you were ordered to kill the former and avoid the latter? Especially since you are armed with nothing but wooden stick?
Be thankful you didn’t lose more than your leg.
Post by: Dragofire on November 25, 2019, 08:59:36 am
This is not Minecraft. The rocks will not float. Oh and there is a necromancer siege, elf necromancer included.
Dear Urist McBroker
The trading depot is not an approprte place to sleep when the naga traders are arriving with zombie cows chasing them
Dear Naga Traders
I am sorry, but you have to leave cause there are sixteen zombie cows and a necromancer chasing you from the summer necromancer seige. Or I guess you could just stand there. Do not blame me if in the next five seconds your heads are not attached to your torsos and undead.
Dear Dwarves
Please get inside, there are sixteen zombie cows, four zombie horses, five naga axeman zombies, three naga left hands, four naga heads, one naga right hand, one cow head, seven naga merchant zombies and a necromancer outside. Be glad that their weapons are made of copper.
Post by: Dragofire on November 27, 2019, 08:54:01 pm
Please stop butchering cats and throw those cat skins away before the necromancer two tiles away animates them.
Dear Urist McNoviceAxedwarf
Please kill those undead cat skins before they murder the butcher. And the necromancer. And the twelve zombie axeelfs. And the elf left hand. And the three skeletal geese. And those four zombie bowgoblins with full quivers.
Dear Engineers
Please note that you should have actually installed the freaking cage traps instead of Before the necromancer, axeelfs, bowgoblins, and geese arrived and casually strolled down the (non)trap-hall without batting an eyelash. Please take note of this in the next life.
Dear Skelegoose # 1
How are you on fire and still alive? Or maybe that is why you are a skeleton. One question: How the heck did you catch on fire in the first place? Maybe I should not have tried to mod geese to have fire breath. Or maybe Dfhack's sanity has jumped out the window and into a bonfire.
- Your displeased god- yes you, Mr Skeletal Goose on Fire.
Post by: darf on November 27, 2019, 10:16:00 pm
Our leader will order your positioning in the archers' tower. Please do not run through our mile long trap corridor to confront the enemy face to face, even if he is positioned two floors down and one square away.
Praying for your safety,
your wife
Post by: Dragofire on December 01, 2019, 08:50:28 pm
Please do not jump into the lake and drown dodging the attacks of a beer man. It is a beer man, just tap it and it will die. Seriously? Now I have to dig a staircase down there to retreive your breastplate and long falchion, considering as we have zero metal industry at this point and I had to stockpile your frigging equipment so you would bother picking it up.
- Your displeased clan leader
PS: Your recruit got the only kill of all three of you.
Post by: Dragofire on December 02, 2019, 09:22:34 pm
Why did you choose to make my awesome weapon out of yak bone? Furthermore it is a warhammer. I do not want a wiffle bat, nor do I need one. Please jump down the dumping hole.
- Signed,your pissed militia commander
Post by: Dunkelzahn on December 30, 2019, 02:44:26 am
When i sent you down to finish the construction of the green glass-iron screw pump, i did not mean "seal yourself on the same side of the lava and fall asleep"
Your lucky the mountain has low blood pressure.
Dearly, your noodle loving overseer.
Post by: Dragofire on January 11, 2020, 09:34:05 am
Please get off your asses and do the THIRTEEN THINGS THAT NEED DOING. ALL OF YOU HAVE MANY LABORS ENABLED. PLEASE GET TO WORK.
Post by: axemangeorge on January 16, 2020, 09:37:57 am
You're the one who knocked all the goblin's teeth out with the haft of your axe. (Did you forget it had a sharp side, too?) With this fact in mind, why do you lose your mind every time you walk by the bit of fortification that has a stray tooth wedged inside?
Post by: Dragofire on January 16, 2020, 01:02:55 pm
Please stop hauling that alfafa from one stockpile to the other and harvest the rest of the alfafa before it withers.
Post by: weiserthanyou on January 19, 2020, 10:24:32 pm
Your singular duty is garbage hauling because this fort has a 21-year backlog of discarded clothes that have currently brought time to a near-infinitely slow rate, and because you're stressed. There are an estimated 800-2000 items in need of dumping and obliteration. Please, do something other than tantrum every time you pass a 13-year-old piece of giant bat chitin.
Dear Nil,
I have disabled all labors on you except for those directly related to lever construction and operation. You have had six months to repair the waste disposal because someone destroyed the lever. All of the cage traps are loaded. Please do the fabric of the universe a favor.
Dear Kivish,
Stop starting fistfights if you're terrified in conflict and get negative thoughts from getting punched back.
Dear everyone else,
For the love of Armok how many of you do I have to assign primarily to cleaning and hauling before you figure out how to throw away the elf corpse that has been sitting in the middle of the caravan driveway for the past 18 years? It has been designated for disposal for 18 years. Either throw it out or stop getting horrified looking at it every time you go to pasture one of your 187 pets (again, Nil, get the atom smasher working again before I sacrifice you to make a magma disposal).
Sincerely,
An Overseer running out of other things to do during the 0-1 fps stretches.
Post by: weiserthanyou on January 21, 2020, 12:10:45 pm
I know you were stressed at Mabdugvucar. Everyone was. It was, after all, a bit of a miserable hellhole because nobody ever cleaned up the hundreds of corpses strewn about. However, your behavior upon migrating to my newer venture is unacceptable. This fortress will only ever get two migrant waves for a maximum population of 14 until we have babies, and the only thing you've done so far is tantrum. AND KILL THE EXPEDITION LEADER AND ONLY QUALIFIED MECHANIC. Out of desperation regarding population and defense without a military, I am letting you live. If you tantrum and hurt someone badly again, I'm sending you to explore the third cavern level.
Post by: NordicNooob on January 22, 2020, 08:35:58 pm
I understand your compliance with my orders to remove the up stair that is directly above the volcano. I'm fine with that; other overseers might not want an important dwarf such as an architect to be doing menial stair removal, but I'm rather short on dwarfpower. Good on you for trying. What's not good on you, however, is removing that stair while standing on it rather than on the down stair directly above it, like every other sane dwarf would do. I'm not quite sure how you survived as long as you did without understanding that if you remove the thing you're standing on, you will fall. In this case, you've gone and fallen into a volcano. You'd think that an architect of all dwarves would understand basic principles of support, but it seems that this is not so. At least I have another capable carpenter.
Not-so-sincerely,
Your slightly disappointed yet not entirely surprised overseer
P.S
Thanks for discovering a candy vein on your way down, I guess.
Post by: Yoink on February 06, 2020, 02:41:29 am
I greatly appreciate all your hard work beating troublesome dwarves into submission in your new role as Captain of the Guard, but did you really have to jump that performer in the mayor's bedroom? The mayor's been through enough lately without his room getting some impromptu blood-and-teeth redecoration. Hell, it looks like when you kicked her teeth out blood sprayed all the way across the room onto the bed! I notice you didn't put your hand up to clean up after yourself, either.
On a brighter note, this incident has made me realise that the performer in question actually lacks any performance skills whatsoever. It seems I may have accidentally given the tavern residency to the wrong dwarf entirely. Whoops. Thank you for bringing that to my attention, Ingiz. Now carry on.
-Overseer
(Edit: my bad, I somehow had 'misc' labours turned off in the skills screen.)
Post by: recon1o6 on February 09, 2020, 09:13:24 am
First, while I'm impressed you somehow managed to dodge over a 4 tile gap to a safe spot in the cavern, you seem to refuse to walk the long way round back to the rest of the fort. Stop being lazy, I won't build you a bridge.
Second, please be more thoughtful when decimating all the troglodites. The corpses you're making with that artifact whip are in so many pieces the hauliers are crying over the amount of gore.
Lastly do not throw a tantrum because of your lack of drink access. You have 3 booze in your backpack which you handpicked yourself and I know you haven't drunk them since they are still in your inventory.
from
The overseer
Post by: TheyreAllGullyDorfs on February 09, 2020, 01:21:23 pm
I appreciate you were in a strange mood, but why couldn't you compromise with me, or even just communicate your needs clearly? You draw pictures of skeletons I get you piles of bones, you sketch pages of blocks so I have half a dozen stone blocks and a hand crafted platinum block right beside you... You make images of stacked fabrics I have stacks upon stack of all three types of cloth sitting there gathering dust.
Why was I not good enough? What was I not giving you that you needed? Why would you get in a strange mood over a skill you barely even know!? :'( :'( :'(
RIP Urist
Post by: Anandar on February 10, 2020, 01:48:00 am
Post by: doublestrafe on February 10, 2020, 01:38:52 pm
ENOUGH! Why must you insist on taking up my cages? I have nothing against you, and see no reason we should not coexist peacefully, but I have a limited number of cages at the moment, and I need you out of them! I have repeatedly pitted you on a nice gentle slope in the cavern from which you emerged, but every time, you beeline straight back into the cage traps that protect my main staircase from the caverns. So I conceded that perhaps you'd like to join us inside our fine fortress, and pitted you outside, where you were free to come in and make merry in the Earthen Fruits, a fine tavern indeed. What did you do? After a brief skirmish with our overeager war dogs, you charged straight back into the same corridor with the cage traps!
I don't know what to conclude. Either you're behaving like a cat, who demands to go outside only to immediately demand to be let back in, or you simply insist on raising a family inside our cages. Yes, I suppose it is moist and damp inside a glass terrarium. But please. We need those cages. Be free, I beg you.
Post by: pikachu17 on February 10, 2020, 03:15:38 pm
Dear Plump Helmet Men and Plump Helmet Women of Ringhollow,Have you tried pitting them into someone they can't easily get out of? They can live happily there, without gumming up the cages.
ENOUGH! Why must you insist on taking up my cages? I have nothing against you, and see no reason we should not coexist peacefully, but I have a limited number of cages at the moment, and I need you out of them! I have repeatedly pitted you on a nice gentle slope in the cavern from which you emerged, but every time, you beeline straight back into the cage traps that protect my main staircase from the caverns. So I conceded that perhaps you'd like to join us inside our fine fortress, and pitted you outside, where you were free to come in and make merry in the Earthen Fruits, a fine tavern indeed. What did you do? After a brief skirmish with our overeager war dogs, you charged straight back into the same corridor with the cage traps!
I don't know what to conclude. Either you're behaving like a cat, who demands to go outside only to immediately demand to be let back in, or you simply insist on raising a family inside our cages. Yes, I suppose it is moist and damp inside a glass terrarium. But please. We need those cages. Be free, I beg you.
Post by: Quantum Drop on February 15, 2020, 11:05:45 am
You are being demoted after your recent performance, and the pathetic display your squads put on.
What's the use of training you all and giving you metal bolts, axes, and crossbows if you can't even catch a pair of bloody Kobold thieves? They were out in the open, running towards our fortress, yet you failed to catch them or even shoot at them. That you fail or refuse to train is poor enough, but this incompetence? Be glad that we need you as guards, or I would have you all used as target practice.
Do not fail me again.
- Overseer of Ringedrelics
Post by: recon1o6 on February 17, 2020, 04:40:30 am
I have been watching you fight and quite frankly you are an idiot
Your spear should be used pointy end towards the elf throat or guts, not shaft smack to the toe repeatedly
No I don't care its an artifact spear made of bismuth you made while possessed, use this platinum one Urist Mc Mastersmith made.
Failure to comply will result in you being demoted to spike arena gladiator
From your frustrated Overseer
Post by: Deus Machina on February 25, 2020, 11:52:10 am
Listen, it's been years since the voice that tells you what to do has dealt with an aquifer. I need to learn how to do that again.
That said, I think I'm doing very well. I know it's slowed us down, but you have to realize that, currently, all the farmable underground locations require walking through the runoff.
Just learn to deal with it. And wash yourselves now and then, you're tracking mud.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 26, 2020, 02:08:38 pm
I understand trolls are fearsome and relatively tough and we didn't have any weaponry yet, but...
Seriously, fifteen of you? For days? After the troll collapsed from exhaustion?
I'm not going to bring up the whole log, because every message is the same, changing only the attacker.
Every. Single. One.
(https://i.imgur.com/7269r7V.jpg)
Seriously. Even after it culled entire pages of this...
(https://i.imgur.com/UnYuXNP.jpg)
Days. Over a WEEK. Of you useless drunks not only surrounding it, but trading off when some of you would back away to catch a nap.
No one even got a killing blow. There is no "the troll was struck down" or "the troll dies from blood loss" message or anything. It just decided to not be alive anymore.
For Armok's sake, guys.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on February 26, 2020, 02:42:35 pm
Dear militia of Leanfenced,so everyone used their left hand?
I understand trolls are fearsome and relatively tough and we didn't have any weaponry yet, but...
Seriously, fifteen of you? For days? After the troll collapsed from exhaustion?
I'm not going to bring up the whole log, because every message is the same, changing only the attacker.
Every. Single. One.
(https://i.imgur.com/7269r7V.jpg)
Seriously. Even after it culled entire pages of this...
(https://i.imgur.com/UnYuXNP.jpg)
Days. Over a WEEK. Of you useless drunks not only surrounding it, but trading off when some of you would back away to catch a nap.
No one even got a killing blow. There is no "the troll was struck down" or "the troll dies from blood loss" message or anything. It just decided to not be alive anymore.
For Armok's sake, guys.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 26, 2020, 02:53:56 pm
so everyone used their left hand?Okay, so the attacker and hand changed.
The pages I pulled up didn't even have any kicking.
Post by: Trabber Shir on February 26, 2020, 03:17:33 pm
Okay, so the attacker and hand changed.
The pages I pulled up didn't even have any kicking.
Try to get cheap wood or bone crossbows to your dwarves early. Similar results in the combat logs but they come out of it as skilled or better hammerdwarves. Draltha also survive while unconscious very well and work for this sort of training I recently learned.
Post by: Sver on February 26, 2020, 04:28:19 pm
Okay, so the attacker and hand changed.
The pages I pulled up didn't even have any kicking.
Another way to deal with this is to disable your miners, wait for them to drop their picks, enlist them and assign their picks as weapons. Then send them to slay the troll.
Post by: Deus Machina on February 26, 2020, 04:51:24 pm
Another way to deal with this is to disable your miners, wait for them to drop their picks, enlist them and assign their picks as weapons. Then send them to slay the troll.
I eventually did, but I think I didn't wait long enough. And they wouldn't leave it alone after they caught sight of it.
Weapons are priority. And wouldn't be an issue if the traders hadn't seen a buzzard and freaked out, which is another thing altogether.
Post by: recon1o6 on March 05, 2020, 11:57:57 am
Well done, now we have a civil war with the mountain homes because you attacked the liason and slew most of the merchants in rage.
Next time if you have to throw a tantrum against visitors, do it against the spies I had locked in the aqueduct overflow chamber while Urist McSheriff files the paperwork or the elven caravan
Now our plans for the greatest mueseum of all things dwarven will have to put on hold
from
The Overseer of The Vault of Creation
Post by: Garrie on March 08, 2020, 09:05:50 am
when collecting items from the stockpile to add to the minecart,
Please add it to the minecart. Don't dump it in a pile just next to the minecart.
[Do I need to create a stop 1 square away for the loading to take place on?]
Post by: Eric Blank on March 09, 2020, 03:12:40 pm
Why are all of you only wearing one boot each? What the hell do you think I mean when I order you to wear boots? How did boots become boot in your equipment lists? I realize in dwarven the plural of cog is still cog but should context not clue you in? Do I have to order you all to wear two pairs of boots in order to get you to wear one pair of boots? You can figure out how to wear two socks but have no idea how to put on two boots. Wonderful.
And you, Asmel, why the fuck are you only wearing one sock and one boot, and wearing them both on the same foot? And you're going to get all ashamed of not having proper footwear?
God damn you're all so fucking stupid.
Sincerely, Overseer of Lizardcaves
[edit]
Apparently the answer was "yes." I literally had to assign a second pair of boots and socks to the uniforms and update their uniform assignments in order to get them to wear both boots. On a related note, they all successfully figured out how to wear both gauntlets and both gloves. They just don't like wearing boots for some reason.
Post by: Quantum Drop on April 07, 2020, 02:09:04 pm
Why, in the name of Armok's hairy tits, did you think it was a good idea to charge a fucking Slayer?
Funny as it was to watch a six-armed, six-tentacled iron-fleshed killing machine brutally kill you and your entire squad, it was decidedly less funny when that basalt-spewing beast and its mates got into the fort itself due to your incomptence.
We're still cleaning up the scorched meat and boiled blood, at least half a dozen Dwarves are tantruming, and pretty much the entire military is gone. Several tunnels are full of the molten basalt it was breathing, the main walls are broken down, and I'm now missing a non-negotiable part of my anatomy. Topping it all off, your morons managed to turn it into a statue of fucking carp, of all things.
Be glad you died in the initial attack, for I would've personally drowned you in the Mountain's Blood! As it stands, I have bigger issues to deal wi--
[Overseer of Earthscorched cancels Write: Interrupted by Slayer].
[Overseer of Earthscorched has been struck down].
Spoiler: Context (click to show/hide)
Post by: HMD Majesty on April 07, 2020, 06:29:15 pm
All gathered Plants belong in the Kitchen Stockpile, not the Farmer's Workshop.
Thank you,
HMD Majesty
Sigun Adobok, of Not Here, We have noticed that you are in possession of some decorated Bags. Said Bags have been encircled with Bands of Horn, Adorned with Spikes, and even encrusted with Gems. We have but one Question.
Why did you think People would buy such expensive Bags?
In Future, please announce the Absence of Food by cancelling Eating, not Give Food. We were under the Misconception that you were trying to give Food to the Stray Dog, as there are no other Prisoners or Patients.
On a related Note, the Mason was sleeping, not injured. Sleeping People do not need Food brought to them.
Stop leaving Food on the Floor to rot. There is a Food Shortage within this Fortress, and We are not amused.
Lorbam Boardchamber, thou are a Fool. When the Werezebra arrived, We particularly ordered thy Squad inside the Entrance to Our Fortress. It was the Deified Halls that We sent to combat the Beast, since they were armored, and the other Squads were not.
But did thou obey Our Orders? No, thou did not.
Instead of obeying Our very clear Orders, thou chose to charge the Beast Head-on. We cannot imagine why thou chose to do this foolish Thing. Was it Rage at the Werebeast daring to attack? Was thou overcome by loyal Ferver? Did thou perhaps seek the Glory of slaying the Beast?
We suppose that does not matter much. Because thou did disobey Our Orders, thou hast been bitten deeply twice. Our Magic has proven to Us that thou hast become a Werezebra thyself. We will make no Attempt to recover thee. If thou survives until the next Moon, We will send thee to Renowneddevils where thou may seek Redemption.
Post by: Iapetus on April 19, 2020, 08:25:12 am
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on April 19, 2020, 09:41:00 am
Dear Urist McVampire. Stop getting so upset about remembering seeing Urist McDrainedofblood die. This is Dwarf Fortress, not some crappy YA fantasy novel. We don't need emo vampires here.what? Did the vampire forget that they drained him?
Post by: DrCyano on April 21, 2020, 03:35:55 pm
During the construction of The Great Wall, you placed some stone blocks in the wrong order and wound up stuck upon the wall until you were on the verge of death to starvation and thirst, requiring your comrades to undo a great amount of good work to build a staircase for you to escape.
Imagine my surprise when, a year later, you and two of your friends spotted some undead animals through the fortifications of The Great Wall and the three of you effortlessly climbed over the wall faster than I could react to the situation (leaving a tell-tale pile of vomit on top of the wall to prove your athletic achievement) so you could run head-long into certain death at the hooves and claws of the walking dead!
Why, Urist, is it that you won't climb a wall to save your life, but possess spider-like climbing ability when your destination is guaranteed doom?
Sincerely,
- Overseer McStoneblock-Wall
Post by: gnurro on April 23, 2020, 02:19:15 am
I am glad and most delighted to see that after six long years, some of you finally made some aquaintances with each other. I will remember that grand parties and guild halls are serious business and not for forming bonds - but the communal embarassement of everyone changing their pants at roughly the same time leads to great fraternisation. Now the beginning of summer marks the date of the great communal pants-shedding festival that will bind our community together!
Sincerely,
your Entertainment Provider
(It's probably the 3x3 clothing stockpile room, I know, but everyone who made a friend did so with their lower body uncovered. My all-citizen militia now flips to un-uniformed at summer start and back in the autumn so everyone can get naked together.)
Post by: Eschar on April 24, 2020, 04:45:54 pm
When I asked you to kill that giant lizard, I did not mean for you to suddenly stop as it ran away from you, allowing it to recover from its exhaustion. Three times.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Post by: ProbablyRed on May 01, 2020, 09:13:43 pm
While i know that you three were essentially kidnapped from the caverns and forcefully turned into citizens of my fort through DFhack, i'd really appreciate it if you would please do some work for my fort instead of just standing around and freeloading off of my resources, maybe you can shear the copperwyrms while my dwarves are busy hauling all the stone from the mining operation.
Sincerely, Red, your dearest overseer.
Post by: Eric Blank on May 02, 2020, 04:01:45 am
Please stop fleeing in terror, take the livestock-for-bait, and quit chasing wild ravens around the map. We are trying to host an epic battle here, and your lack of participation is quite disheartening. If all you're going to offer is an emotional threat, please kindly piss off.
Regards, the Overseer
Post by: A_Curious_Cat on May 13, 2020, 10:26:06 pm
Why won't you take the sand bags from the main stockpile down to the stockpile be the magma glass furnace?
I set the stockpile by the magma glass furnace to accept sand bags, and I also set the main stockpile to not accept them. At least 12 of you are idle right now. Why won't you move those bags?!!! Right now our glassmaker (who is currently transforming the sand in those bags to rough green glass so we have something to train our jeweler with) is having to climb from the magma workshops all the way up to the main stockpile to grab each of those bags. I don't think you understand how much time is being wasted.
NOW GET THOSE BAGS DOWN TO THE CORRECT STOCKPILE NOW!!!!
Sincerely, your frustrated Overseer.
Post by: bloop_bleep on May 14, 2020, 02:10:31 pm
Post by: nezclaw on May 14, 2020, 04:18:01 pm
Post by: HMD Majesty on May 14, 2020, 07:19:40 pm
Post by: recon1o6 on May 23, 2020, 12:03:31 pm
Where the actual fuck did you get a piece of slade from to decorate that brass low boot? I haven't even dug the second cavern layer yet!
Tell me soon, or you're going to be Urist McdumpsterDiver soon to see if any of it got mixed in with the trash and elves
From the Overseer
Post by: sculleywr on June 10, 2020, 05:18:48 pm
Yes, I know that there are a lot of things needing done, and a lot of stuff to haul from the surface, but the miners have managed to find platinum, iron, limestone, gold, silver, Cooper and lignite. Seeing how we have a veritable hoard of metal working goods, I have ordered the construction of forges much earlier than I would normally do so. I have told everyone that they can perform architecture. So why in the classes has nobody gotten off their asses and started these buildings? Two of you boneheads have been laying around complaining about having no job for two entire seasons! Get off your ass and make the damn forges before I send you out to play with the animals!
Post by: nezclaw on June 11, 2020, 01:56:21 pm
Post by: sculleywr on June 12, 2020, 03:14:02 pm
do they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
That's what I meant when I told them all that they can perform architecture.
Post by: EternalCaveDragon on June 17, 2020, 06:43:48 pm
do they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
That's what I meant when I told them all that they can perform architecture.
You also need the relevant crafting labor enabled on at least one other dwarf. One skilled in the material it's being built out of. For example making something out of metal requires a metalsmith, wood would require a carpenter, and stone/glass requires a mason.
Here's a wiki link with more info: https://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Building_designer
Post by: sculleywr on June 18, 2020, 03:41:54 pm
do they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
That's what I meant when I told them all that they can perform architecture.
You also need the relevant crafting labor enabled on at least one other dwarf. One skilled in the material it's being built out of. For example making something out of metal requires a metalsmith, wood would require a carpenter, and stone/glass requires a mason.
Here's a wiki link with more info: https://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Building_designer
It requires one of my five masons after it's designed. The problem is the architects aren't doing anything
Post by: EternalCaveDragon on June 18, 2020, 03:47:05 pm
It requires one of my five masons after it's designed. The problem is the architects aren't doing anything
They might be too busy with other jobs, then. Wait for the entire fortress' workload to ease a bit and see if they're still not doing anything. If not, then maybe take a look at the architects themselves to see what they're doing. There may be some other job or constant task they are getting stuck on. Maybe assign other dwarves and see what they do. It may be a case that there's too much higher priority work that needs doing before they can get to the designing job.
Post by: Moeteru on June 19, 2020, 06:40:28 am
Where the actual fuck did you get a piece of slade from to decorate that brass low boot? I haven't even dug the second cavern layer yet!Could it have been a gizzard stone from butchering a bird/reptile? Those are made of randomly selected materials.
Post by: nezclaw on June 19, 2020, 02:28:46 pm
whoops, missed that partdo they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
That's what I meant when I told them all that they can perform architecture.
Post by: sculleywr on June 22, 2020, 01:55:12 am
I hope you enjoyed your dip into the magma sea. Maybe next time you won't dive into the damn magma forges!
Post by: Urist mcbayblade on June 22, 2020, 03:17:01 am
While I understand that the giantess started it, in the future could you please let the military get a few hits in before you crack its skull open and send it into a coma. The military do like to think of themselves as useful and you've made them feel quite pathetic now. Like honestly, how did you even do that.
Your slightly confused/amused deity
Post by: Nova Solarius on June 24, 2020, 06:04:07 pm
No walking on the drawbridge as it retracts, please. Particularly not after you've pulled the lever yourself. Any further violations will be punished via exposure to the Atom Smasher.
Thank you,
Nova "too tired for this shit" Solarius
Post by: nezclaw on June 25, 2020, 02:30:29 pm
Dear urist mcmigrants goose.
While I understand that the giantess started it, in the future could you please let the military get a few hits in before you crack its skull open and send it into a coma. The military do like to think of themselves as useful and you've made them feel quite pathetic now. Like honestly, how did you even do that.
Your slightly confused/amused deity
honk
Post by: gcus on July 03, 2020, 09:25:52 am
No, we do not have shells.
No, we cannot get them right now.
Please don't get your crazy all over my fortress.
Nervously yours,
God.
Post by: muldrake on July 05, 2020, 05:38:46 am
Dear Urist McStrangeMood:
No, we do not have shells.
No, we cannot get them right now.
Please don't get your crazy all over my fortress.
Nervously yours,
God.
I detest shells so much. Any time I see a dwarf with a preference for shells I just want to kick them the hell out for that alone. We do not have shells, we will never have shells, kill yourself.
Post by: Acipenser on July 07, 2020, 01:33:21 pm
WHY ARE YOU STILL HAULING SPHALERITE?!
2.2 tons of sphalerite have been sitting in the snow for nine months.
You have no other jobs enabled.
What the f*ck are you doing?
With much pain and anguish,
Your Boss
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on July 07, 2020, 01:36:36 pm
Dear Urist McHaulerso you’re mad at the dwarf for hauling the material that you gave him the only job to haul?
WHY ARE YOU STILL HAULING SPHALERITE?!
2.2 tons of sphalerite have been sitting in the snow for nine months.
You have no other jobs enabled.
What the f*ck are you doing?
With much pain and anguish,
Your Boss
Post by: Acipenser on July 07, 2020, 02:32:14 pm
I am not mad that they are hauling sphalerite. . . but I am having a conniption that they are only moving one piece of ore every two months. It's like they're trolling me.Dear Urist McHaulerso you’re mad at the dwarf for hauling the material that you gave him the only job to haul?
WHY ARE YOU STILL HAULING SPHALERITE?!
2.2 tons of sphalerite have been sitting in the snow for nine months.
You have no other jobs enabled.
What the f*ck are you doing?
With much pain and anguish,
Your Boss
Post by: Uthimienure on July 07, 2020, 02:54:48 pm
Maybe Urist McHauler has unmet needs? What does he/she do when not hauling?
Post by: Acipenser on July 07, 2020, 02:59:45 pm
Maybe this is a reasonable and natural behavior. Dwarfs don't like snow and they need variety in life.The only reasonable thing a dwarf can do: drink heavily and hide from the walruses.
Maybe Urist McHauler has unmet needs? What does he/she do when not hauling?
Post by: muldrake on July 08, 2020, 03:41:09 am
I am not mad that they are hauling sphalerite. . . but I am having a conniption that they are only moving one piece of ore every two months. It's like they're trolling me.
Unless you have some reason you're specifically stockpiling the ore itself, just smelt it. It will be automatically hauled. It's a little annoying it won't use wheelbarrows but if they're not hauling it to stockpiles anyway it won't be any slower. Your furnace operators may begin to hate you.
Post by: recon1o6 on July 08, 2020, 05:23:39 am
While I appreciate joint locks are an important part of disabling the enemy, executing one during training on Urist McTrainee's upper spine is a step too far.
Do not anger me again, Urist McTrainee had a lot of potential, and was in fact tipped to be physically one of the best soldiers we at the vault of creation have had for a while. Until you killed him
From the Overseer
Dear Urist McTrainee
My apologies I thought you were dead when in fact Urist merely destroyed your back and neck. If the chief medical dwarf has cleared you fit for service after a week of bone repair then I suppose there's nothing to be done but put you back onto training, this time with Urist McNewWrestlinginstructor while Urist McWrestlinginstructor takes an indefinate leave of absence down in the caverns
From the Overseer
Post by: Leonidas on July 08, 2020, 09:11:28 am
Dear Urist McWrestlinginstructorDid that happen in 47.04? I thought that dangerous training was only in past.
While I appreciate joint locks are an important part of disabling the enemy, executing one during training on Urist McTrainee's upper spine is a step too far.
Do not anger me again, Urist McTrainee had a lot of potential, and was in fact tipped to be physically one of the best soldiers we at the vault of creation have had for a while. Until you killed him
From the Overseer
Dear Urist McTrainee
My apologies I thought you were dead when in fact Urist merely destroyed your back and neck. If the chief medical dwarf has cleared you fit for service after a week of bone repair then I suppose there's nothing to be done but put you back onto training, this time with Urist McNewWrestlinginstructor while Urist McWrestlinginstructor takes an indefinate leave of absence down in the caverns
From the Overseer
Post by: recon1o6 on July 09, 2020, 03:19:42 am
Post by: Moeteru on July 12, 2020, 04:11:35 pm
I know it's fun to keep serving drinks to your friends until they collapse unconscious in a pool of vomit and stop breathing, but please remember that some of your friends still need the use of their lungs in order to remain alive. I'd rather not have to conduct any Dwarven CPR experiments today, thank you.
Your benevolent Overseer.
Dear uneducated mortals,
Go to the Armok-damned library and learn the secrets of life and death already. You get cool magic powers, you stop ageing, and, most importantly, you can drink as much booze as you want without any risk of death. The book is right there, it's only 24 pages long, and I can assure you it's much more interesting than whatever "Humans: Fact or Fiction?" is about.
Your benevolent Overseer.
EDIT: It was inevitable. A 13 year old drank himself to death. The good news is that Dwarven CPR was successful and he soon got resurrected as a faded corpse. He immediately applied for citizenship and is once again a productive member of the fortress. His father and some of his siblings got a couple of bad thoughts from his death, but his mother seems fine about the whole situation. Given how successful that experiment was, I think I should build a proper CPR chamber at the back of the hospital.
Post by: Quantum Drop on July 20, 2020, 03:26:25 am
Congratulations. We're in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by Necromancer Towers on three sides, and under attack by the living dead, and you decide to go batshit over us not getting you crystal glass. You beat my main Craftsman to pulp, single-handedly killed a fortress by pulling the main bridge lever during a Necromancer Siege, and got me stuck in some mouldering old tower as a animated corpse enslaved to some doddering old fool that smells of death and mildew.
Armok help you if we meet again.
- Ex-Overseer Avuz Dorenadil
Post by: GandalfTheGreyt3791 on July 28, 2020, 03:15:38 pm
HOW DARE YOU SAVE THE REST OF THE FORT INSTEAD OF LETING THE TRAINED PROFESSIONALS HANDLE IT?????????
Post by: lukerules117 on August 01, 2020, 10:33:31 am
Dear UristMcSherrif, why have you decided that the most vile criminal in the fort's history does not need a punishment?
Post by: HMD Majesty on August 17, 2020, 01:37:31 pm
We have a Dining Room with forty-two Tables, all of which are equipped with a Chair. We also have four unassigned Tables that have Chairs.
If you choose to eat on the one Seat in Whisperorbs without a Table by it, you have no reason to complain about a Lack of Tables.
By My Hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty
Post by: Urist mcbayblade on September 03, 2020, 01:26:14 am
I am curious as to what made you think a small hole rapidly filling with water was a good place to take a nap.
Post by: recon1o6 on September 16, 2020, 05:18:14 am
Urist, when you are on fire, the proper procedure is to put yourself out in the swimming pool
It is not continue hauling flammable items and then boil away all the booze when you are thirsty.
Post by: forumist on September 16, 2020, 11:43:47 am
When I order you to station on the tower top, the goal is to protect the marksdwarves against climbing goblins. No need to use the tree branches hanging over the fortifications to get out and get stupidly killed by the goblins that still haven't managed to climb up.
Post by: indyofcomo on September 17, 2020, 11:03:26 am
Dear militia,lol
When I order you to station on the tower top, the goal is to protect the marksdwarves against climbing goblins. No need to use the tree branches hanging over the fortifications to get out and get stupidly killed by the goblins that still haven't managed to climb up.
Post by: lazygun on September 18, 2020, 01:49:47 pm
You are an axedwarf squad, all equipped with at least superior quality steel battle axes. All of you are expert or better in fighting using battle axes. Please stop demonstrating warhammer usage to each other.
That is all.
Post by: nezclaw on September 19, 2020, 12:11:55 am
Get Out Of My Fortress Before I Fill The Tavern With Magma.
Yours, The Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on September 25, 2020, 12:35:08 am
When you do this;
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It gives me a headache. I didn't realize I even made you shearable. I realize now I edited the wrong file. You're not supposed to shave yourselves. Please go shave the yaks.
Sincerely, a confused modder.
Post by: Quantum Drop on September 29, 2020, 10:52:46 am
No, the Atom Smasher is not a playground. I don't care if you're a child at heart or not, stay out of the room with the big smashy thing.
Sincerely,
Your Boss.
Post by: Uthimienure on September 29, 2020, 11:27:18 am
Post by: muldrake on September 29, 2020, 02:21:45 pm
Post by: Quantum Drop on September 29, 2020, 02:56:48 pm
d - o - r (restricted traffic area) might/might not have prevented smashing poor Urist....You can actually do that?
Post by: Uthimienure on September 29, 2020, 05:08:28 pm
d - o - r (restricted traffic area) might/might not have prevented smashing poor Urist....You can actually do that?
I don't know the details of your smasher, but making it (and maybe a few surrounding tiles) restricted *might* keep everyone except trash collectors out.
But it might be safer if you dump the trash in from a hole in the floor above, because then nobody ever needs to actually go near the bridge.
Post by: recon1o6 on October 08, 2020, 07:10:01 am
Why did you lock away Urist McTantrum in a cage when there are some perfectly adequate cells for justice for him to grieve over the death of his daughter?
The cages aren't even for justice! They are for the zoo!
From
The overseer
Post by: muldrake on October 13, 2020, 11:53:09 am
You are a clothier. Or you were anyway. I'm not sure why you guys think it's a good idea to go into the caverns alone to try to personally steal stuff from giant cave spiders but seriously, quit doing this. They don't like it and you won't like the results when you do it.
Post by: wierd on October 20, 2020, 11:31:54 pm
While it may seem that products appear from nowhere out of thin ether, I can assure you that in order to make clothing, we require raw materials. The personnel that collect those raw materials are spinners and weavers, which I am sure (or at least hopeful in the prospect of such knowledge) you know falls under the umbrella of the clothing industry.
While I am amused by the idea, we cannot fashion clothing from beard hair. Clothing does not magically appear from thin air simply because you file a requisition with the management office.
Due to the nature of dwarven bureaucracy, there is not a direct means of filing a petition to have armed detachments accompany our workers into the caverns to collect webs, despite the dangers involved in that job. (and, I am fairly certain that if there was, you would simply complain that we filed such requisitions.)
If you would prefer to have us use only animal hair, or plant based fibers for clothing, please set up appropriate workshop designations with appropriate source stockpiles, and enable appropriate labors and job operations on either pen/pastures or farming operations, so that we have raw materials to utilize. By default, we will use whatever is available, and will seek out all available raw materials to maximize product availability.
While I am sure you will remind me about how difficult and onerous it is to manage a fortress economy, I would remind you that it takes only a few moments to link the raw materials stockpiles with our workshops, to give us instructions of this kind.
Busy as always--
Clothier #563
Post by: asialsky on October 21, 2020, 07:51:37 am
I am writing this to inform you that while I will be approving your request to form a union, your guild hall is a very low priority. As you may have noticed, we only just got the pump stack working, and have been steadily working out why the expedition leader's ribs went missing during a performance. We will assign the space for excavation, but make no promises.
Yours bemused,
Overseer
Post by: betaking on October 21, 2020, 09:43:29 am
Post by: HMD Majesty on October 24, 2020, 11:53:16 pm
The Answers to your Questions are, in order,
Because you do not have the relevant Labors enabled.
Because you spend too much Time hunting.
Because you have never had the relevant Labors enabled.
Because We said so.
By Our Hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty.
Post by: orius on November 25, 2020, 04:26:23 pm
Pay attention to which side of the river the fortress is on when immigrating. It does no one any good for you to embark on the far side of the river before a bridge has been built, especially when the far side of the river has Untamed Wilds and Terrifying surroundings.
Your Overseer.
Post by: Eric Blank on December 08, 2020, 09:19:34 pm
First of all, blue jays do not have teeth. They are birds, they have beaks. You have seen a bluejay before, right? Secondly, we cannot build a door out of bones. That's not possible. This demand will never be met, because it is impossible to accomplish.
Your overseer.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on December 19, 2020, 10:53:09 am
Post by: Eric Blank on December 19, 2020, 08:06:18 pm
He's dead, though. The demons took him, along with everyone else.
Post by: Jack_Smythe on December 20, 2020, 06:53:10 pm
All I asked was for you to bury Urist Gemcutter's body. We had a coffin and everything. Instead, three years later, his rotting corpse is still sitting there. No-one wants to use the workshop because of it. You keep complaining about having to see his body each time you go to the crafts stockpile. His ghost is actively haunting us. I know you hauled something, because only half his skeleton is there. What did you do with it? Actually, don't tell me. Just bury the bloody thing.
Love and Kisses,
Your Overseer
Post by: Thisfox on December 21, 2020, 01:37:48 am
I'll move his corpse when you take out his scary ghost with a stone slab, and not a moment earlier. What's a dorf got to do to get memorialised around here?
-- Urist McHaulerson.
P.S.:
Also, unforbid anything he has in his jewellers workshop, and then deconstruct and unforbid the workshop itself. No one wants to work in there anyway, you can construct a new one in a few days or a few steps away, when everything has been cleaned out. Should encourage the dorfs to move stuff. Give it a try. --fox.
Post by: Staalo on January 03, 2021, 09:32:36 pm
Re: Migrant group of Spring 281
We hereby confirm the arrival of the latest group of eighteen migrant workers to our fledgling outpost of Divemountain and... seriously guys, what the flux? Whose idea of a practical joke was this? Was it you, Doren? I know I left without paying those gambling debts but this is a really schisty way of getting back at me.
Did you have to round up every single Animal Caretaker in the whole kingdom to get this many of them in one wave? Nearly half of our population are now Animal Caretakers; those fluxers just walked in and immediately started TWO new trade guilds even before they were through the door. We don't have resources to build any guild halls at the moment. What are they even going to take care of, exactly? Our three surviving turkeys and Ast's pet sow maybe? They're going to have to take turns, between all fifteen of them.
Seriously, Doren, I'll pay those debts. Just take back at least some of these useless schist Animal Caretakers.
Sincerely,
Cilob Joinroughness
Expedition leader
The Respectful Sabres
Divemountain
Post by: LilyInTheWater on January 09, 2021, 03:07:36 am
No, dwarves, your beloved friends have not gone missing. They are in the hospital after an unfortunate run-in with a giant olm. No one is dead, merely injured.
The reason you have not seen them is because I give patients their own rooms for privacy and to keep the miasma in if anyone dies. You know what privacy is, correct? I sure hope you do.
You can visit your friends at any time.
Now stop scaring me for no reason and go back to work.
-Overseer Lily
Post by: JAL28 on January 14, 2021, 04:39:36 am
WHERE ARE OUR MIGRANTS? It has been several years and I have not seen a new face around this fortress since the birth of that baby months ago. And don’t give me schist about population, we are running on 20 dwarves against vicious cave creatures and a (formerly) vicious forgotten beast, who only died because it spent too much time slaughtering the cavern fauna. Please, PLEASE send something! I fixed the civil war with dark magic already and my fortress is perfectly accessible! Even dissectors and caretakers are appreciated, I need fodder to actually get a military made here!
PS. Bring the caravan too. I would like to see caravans which aren’t elves.
Signed,
An exasperated Overseer
Post by: Uthimienure on January 17, 2021, 12:04:41 pm
Please store the bar of soap lying in the east castle wall's doorway in the nearby soap stockpile. It has been there for months after all the other bars of soap dropped by frightened Urists during the last siege have been carefully placed in the stockpile. Are you ignoring the soap because it was made from a black bear's tallow? Or because you like the view of the outdoors from that entrance?
Due to your negligence, your fellow McUrists are in danger. Your task has been handed over to the more responsible Urist McRefuseHauler and the bar of soap will be likely thrown away soon.
Love,
Your faithful guiding hand.
Post by: recon1o6 on January 18, 2021, 05:18:01 am
Your order was to move the mead to the designated stockpile for flammability testing, not drink the entire barrel dry then haul the empty keg there!
You've just set my explosive alcohol research back by a year thanks to your idiocy. As punishment you are being demoted from haulier to military scout. Please dump your clothing and belongings in the relevant stockpiles and report to the barracks for further orders.
The Overseer
Post by: towerator on January 18, 2021, 08:11:20 am
When I tell you "Punish this guy who tantrumed", I mean "Put him in jail", not "Bash his head until it caves in". It's the third one you kill, and this one was a decent furnace operator...
Sincerely, UristMcOverseer.
Post by: orius on January 21, 2021, 02:25:06 pm
Why on earth did you drag the boar you were pasturing in the pigpens over a nest box in the turkey coops first? He's not a female, and he's not a bird. Nor was there anything or anyone blocking your path.
Your overseer.
Post by: Staalo on January 22, 2021, 01:18:17 am
please stop randomly murdering tavern visitors and traders. I mean, what the hell? Every time another squad is doing something on the map you guys at home will pick out an innocent poet or whatever and slaughter them in the middle of the tavern.
Why do you keep doing that? They have done nothing wrong. Even the poetry isn't that bad.
regards,
The Management
Post by: orius on January 28, 2021, 02:02:06 pm
Stop freaking out about that vulture circling 40 z levels overhead and annoying me with your job cancellation spams. It's not interested in you, you're not dead -- YET. Think positive -- maybe it spotted an elf corpse.
Your overseer.
Post by: Stadfradt on January 29, 2021, 03:31:43 pm
Post by: HMD Majesty on February 02, 2021, 09:12:18 pm
When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit. The Enemy will descend to you.
Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.
Post by: A_Curious_Cat on February 02, 2021, 11:49:42 pm
By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,
When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit. The Enemy will descend to you.
Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.
To: her moldy undead tragedy.
Re: Military strategy.
What? You provided us w’a path! Surely, if ye ha’ant intended us to engage th’enemy, ye would ha’ ensured that we cou’nt get t’em! A wars a war, lass, those go’lins aren’t gonna kill themselves.
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
Post by: orius on February 03, 2021, 02:43:26 pm
Why in the name of Armok are you simulating instruments that are already stored in the tavern in your drunken revelry?
Your Overseer.
Post by: anewaname on February 04, 2021, 04:27:51 am
We rang the bells to call you inside the tower. It is true the doorway you chose to snore in is within your burrow and that by getting to the doorway, you are on the safer side of the drawbridge. But, if that gate does not raise in time, you will be a plaything for that ettin.
Your luck is now your own, we are locking the next set of doors and getting the blocks to build a wall.
The overseer
Post by: gunpowdertea on February 10, 2021, 03:20:20 am
Dear Urist McAirGuitarist:
Why in the name of Armok are you simulating instruments that are already stored in the tavern in your drunken revelry?
Your Overseer.
Deer Overseer!
Cause it's fun - an bein' a bit pishhd we cannae play the Athel noo (nae t'we can when sober).
Ye have ne'er played air guitar?
Post by: javascripter on February 19, 2021, 07:08:38 am
Why is hauling rocks from the other side of the map more important to you than emptying milk buckets into barrels/pots so that you can use the buckets to get water. You will all die of dehydration carrying rocks. (note: I've modded it so my fort is carnivorious and can produce alcohol only from milk; but brewers refuse to use milk in a bucket, it must be emptied into a barrel/pot first, and the helpful milker just stores buckets full of milk in the stockpile and then cancels milking jobs because no free bucket)
the overseer
Post by: orius on February 19, 2021, 01:18:37 pm
Post by: Thisfox on February 19, 2021, 04:19:49 pm
Why not just make more buckets? And no one knows where the barrels and pots are, so we're leaving the milk in the buckets for now. How about you make some more barrels too?
If you didn't want us to haul rocks, you could have told someone they aren't a stone hauler.
We're doing the best we can, but we heard in other forts have booze made from honey. Any chance we can get in on that action?
--The Urists.
Post by: HMD Majesty on February 20, 2021, 08:12:34 pm
By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,
When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit. The Enemy will descend to you.
Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.
To: her moldy undead tragedy.
Re: Military strategy.
What? You provided us w’a path! Surely, if ye ha’ant intended us to engage th’enemy, ye would ha’ ensured that we cou’nt get t’em! A wars a war, lass, those go’lins aren’t gonna kill themselves.
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
Good Dwarf, if Walls were Paths the Fortress would have neither Ramps nor Stairs.
Post by: orius on February 26, 2021, 12:40:49 pm
If you want to socialize, you might want to try the tavern or library where all the dorfs are hanging out instead of the empty hospital. Just a thought.
Your Overseer.
Post by: k9wazere on March 06, 2021, 06:59:49 pm
Why did you tear each other to shreds? You used to get along. How you would play and frolic as kittens.
Did you know, I was prepared to sacrifice a whole fort of "norms", to achieve a small pride of your kind?
But you are too unstable. You need to recognise the scent of your own kind as friendly.
Regards,
A very disappointed overseer.
Post by: lazygun on March 15, 2021, 10:45:43 am
Yes, before I assigned you to a squad I should have checked your temperament. Nervous wrecks do not belong in the army.
I'm sorry the undead undead camel sekeltons left behind after the necromancer siege upset you. But now that the damage has been done, I am trying to make amends. You have light duties, a library with three books you haven't yet read (which you ignore, preferring to cry to the expedition leader about having nothing to read), you have a wonderful temple (which you ignore, preferring to scream to the expedition leader about having no chance to worship your gods) a tavern for you to make friends in (which you ignore, preferring to moan to the expedition leader about not being able to meet friends)
Now that you've been removed from the military I'm sure you'll be complaining soon about having no excitement in your life. I swear, if you do that I'm going to draft you into your own squad and station you right under the atom-smasher!
Your overseer, who is losing patience quickly.
Post by: nezclaw on March 23, 2021, 08:42:31 pm
While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.
-yours, the Overseer
Post by: Thisfox on March 30, 2021, 07:24:19 pm
Dear Urist McLame-o
While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.
-yours, the Overseer
Dear Overseer Nezclaw
You got all upset with Urist McMetalcrafter over there for using up half the ferrous supply, the last of the cave spider silk and a shell on his stupid figurine of magma crabs, so at least I made you something functional! Give me a break, I know metals are scarce, I didn't insist everyone try to eat shelled food, I didn't even use up too much metal making the glove a pair. Tell me what you want made, and I'll make it for you! I'm legendary now!
--Urist McLame,
(who is only lame because your doctor needs someone to make some soap before I get an infection in this here foot...)
Post by: nezclaw on April 01, 2021, 05:13:00 pm
Dear Urist McLame-o
While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.
-yours, the Overseer
Dear Overseer Nezclaw
You got all upset with Urist McMetalcrafter over there for using up half the ferrous supply, the last of the cave spider silk and a shell on his stupid figurine of magma crabs, so at least I made you something functional! Give me a break, I know metals are scarce, I didn't insist everyone try to eat shelled food, I didn't even use up too much metal making the glove a pair. Tell me what you want made, and I'll make it for you! I'm legendary now!
--Urist McLame,
(who is only lame because your doctor needs someone to make some soap before I get an infection in this here foot...)
*flips through notes* i don't have anything on an artifact figurine of magma crabs? are you sober?
but all right, i'll ease up, seeing as the gauntlet is the most valuable artifact produced in this fort.
Post by: nezclaw on April 04, 2021, 12:09:48 pm
When the burrow alarm sounds, you are supposed to drop everything and run. The loss of our mason is a tragedy, but take this moment to learn from his mistake, and remember to DROP THE DAMN ROCK, else you will be too slow to evade the MASSIVE MURDERCRICKET bearing down on you.
Yours, the overseer
Post by: A_Curious_Cat on April 06, 2021, 04:13:08 am
By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,
When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit. The Enemy will descend to you.
Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.
To: her moldy undead tragedy.
Re: Military strategy.
What? You provided us w’a path! Surely, if ye ha’ant intended us to engage th’enemy, ye would ha’ ensured that we cou’nt get t’em! A wars a war, lass, those go’lins aren’t gonna kill themselves.
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
Good Dwarf, if Walls were Paths the Fortress would have neither Ramps nor Stairs.
To: her mangey diseased travesty
Re: Re: Re: Military Strategy
O’course walls ‘re paths! If y’didn’t want us takin’ ‘em, y’shoulda smoothed t’walls of the pit so we cou’n’t climb down and made t’pit deep enough that w’couldn’t jump down ei’er. Ano’er thing y’coulda done is to provide us w’fortifications w’a roof o’er our heads.
Also, remember tha’, if y’don’ like t’way we do it, y’can just use magma instead!
Magma fixes all problems!
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
Post by: HMD Majesty on April 06, 2021, 02:56:43 pm
To: her mangey diseased travesty
Re: Re: Re: Military Strategy
O’course walls ‘re paths! If y’didn’t want us takin’ ‘em, y’shoulda smoothed t’walls of the pit so we cou’n’t climb down and made t’pit deep enough that w’couldn’t jump down ei’er. Ano’er thing y’coulda done is to provide us w’fortifications w’a roof o’er our heads.
Also, remember tha’, if y’don’ like t’way we do it, y’can just use magma instead!
Magma fixes all problems!
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
May We remind you that all the affected Squads were stationed at the Bottom of the Pit, and that the first Course of Walls was indeed smoothed?
Also, there were Stairs.
Post by: recon1o6 on April 11, 2021, 04:46:33 pm
Stop getting your socks in a twist. There's a good reason the artifact "Irondiamond and the hammer of grass" is missing from its proper place
its there, being read by Urist Mcbookworm. Exactly like he was doing last week and the week before. He's made a copy of it just three months ago
From the Overseer
Post by: Atarlost on April 14, 2021, 12:27:47 am
Good job, really. Except you Vabok. You know what you did.
But maybe all but one of you can wait until you're off duty to report that an artifact is missing. Especially when I've demonstrated that I already know by having the "bard" responsible terminated. After action reports are important, but so is keeping you in the artifact vault so nothing else goes missing while we wait for the misplaced artifact to be returned and the new artifact to be installed on its pedestal.
Reporting thefts is important, but so is keeping at least one of you guarding in the room you've been ordered to guard.
Post by: armads on July 21, 2021, 04:10:12 pm
I'm glad you finally got around to loading those ten crossbows into that weapon trap. I am! Really. However, why have you decided that the best course of action is to load ten crossbows worth of ammo into it... one bolt at a time? Is this some union policy? You don't seem to have any kind of guild I'm aware of. And yet, you continue to run back and forth, to the weapon trap and then back to the stockpile, dozens of times, each time loading a single bolt into the trap.
Now, I know what you said. Crossbowmen are useless! Not only can you not get them to shoot at the targets half the time, but in real combat their first instinct is to try and use their crossbows as hammers! A ha, said I, but if we use traps then we have a use for all these bolts I made!
And yet you somehow have managed to find a way to make this take longer than my desire to surround the entrance to my base with masterwork steel spiked balls. Why exactly are you loading the bolts to a trap with ten crossbows in it individually? Even worse, you're talking the bolts out of random piles of bolts, meaning lots of them now have strange numbers of bolts in them!
Shape up, or I'm going to give you a 'dwarven haircut'.
edit: I have found that actually, what the dwarves are doing is taking a stack of bolts, carrying the full stack to the trap, putting a single bolt into the trap, and then re-storing the now 1-bolt missing stack of bolts back into the stockpile. So they're creating numerous extra hauling jobs for no reason!
Post by: Thisfox on August 07, 2021, 07:29:18 pm
Please be aware the fireball-breathing beast in the temple is NOT a god, and does not require worship.
Can someone PLEASE put out the human before he sets everything else on fire?
--Management.
Post by: A_Curious_Cat on August 07, 2021, 09:38:03 pm
As you well know, Mirrorsplashed met it’s end at the hands of a wereape.
We couldn’t stop the wereape because we had no military.
We had no military because we lacked the minimum necessary equipment.
We lacked the minimum necessary equipment because our weaponsmith/armorsmith had just begun to make them.
Our weaponsmith/armorsmith had just begun to make them because they had just received the first copper bars.
They had just received the first copper bars because the had just been smelted.
The copper bars had just been smelted because the necessary charcoal had finally become available.
The charcoal finally became available because, after nearly two years, one of you (despite several of you having “wood burner” enabled) finally got off your ass and decided to start making charcoal instead of hauling logs and stones around!
Sincerely, your (former) overseer.
Rest in pieces.
Post by: Quarque on August 11, 2021, 12:58:16 pm
Post by: brewer bob on August 14, 2021, 10:58:15 am
What in the world made you think it is a good idea to head outside into the blazing inferno after the dragon attack? Now I know I didn't realize to forbid your dropped ☼pig tail socks☼ (that you had for some reason ditched in the woods) and I missed a couple of logs, but why, oh why did you think the proper place to take a nap is right next to the wildfire? Your friend Urist McSmarterDwarf knew that fire tends to spread and dwarves are flammable, so he avoided the flames and is well and alive because of it. The two of you are not. There's something for you to think in the afterlife now that you both have been reduced to a pile of ashes.
Sincerely,
Your not-so-impressed Overseer
ps. I will certainly not memorialize you, so your tormented souls are free to return as ghosts.
Post by: Mobbstar on August 17, 2021, 09:04:31 am
I am glad we agree on the presence of a perfectly fine rock block for building walls with, and that the cavern wall could be raised with it. And I am also aware that there was a tree branch blocking the way to the far end of the wall.
However, said tree is long gone. So why do you still claim that one tidbit be inaccessible?
Signed, your dear overseer.
P.S. in an alternate timeline, the tree fell before the walls were built, and somehow that made your troglodytic brain click.
(Edit: using different image source; if you read this, i did a history preservation for YOU!)
Post by: HMD Majesty on October 25, 2021, 07:45:11 pm
We fully understand why, having escaped the River, you chose not to attempt to swim to the near Bank.
We understand why, having fallen into the River, you ended up on the far Bank.
We even understand why you thought the Terrain was dangerous.
However, We do not understand how building a Pump caused you to fall in. Two other Dwarfs within this very Fortress proved able to build from the Riverbank without incident, and I have had many Structures built by Water-Edge without having any Dwarfs fall into the Water, so what caused you to fall in?
By My Hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty.
Post by: Durmatagno on October 25, 2021, 09:03:24 pm
I have several questions. First and most importantly, why is it that every time you end your month of training, you take off your pants? None of the rest of the uniform, just your pants. Every time the squads swap training, your pants come off, you run to the armor stockpile, and grab an identical pair. I have checked, they are the same quality, so why do you insist on taking off your pants.
Dear UristMcNicknamedHammerDwarf
I don't know where you came from, but I thank you. Despite being in full iron plate, with shield and hammer, you decided to tackle a Troll, bite it's face, and shake it around till you quite literally tore it's head off. I would promote you to captain of the squad, but alas, your husband is already the captain and is a better leader than you. Still, I am making you a dedicated tomb, because I fear what would happen should you ever come back as a ghost.
Finally
Dear UristMcScribe
Why do you seem to think the best place to read codexes and scrolls is by the butchery? There's no zone there, nothing connected to the library, but you run down to the library, grab a book, then park yourself in front of my butchery, and proceed to puke everywhere if one of my hunters succeeds. I have many questions, but mostly...why did you only start doing this when I put you in a burrow? You are no longer in the burrow, for that butchery is outside it's confines, but since ending the SIEGE alert, you have done this. Why? Did Hammer-Nudist put you up to this? She is your wife....
Post by: Thisfox on October 26, 2021, 02:58:27 am
We have found your trousers.
They were in the pump you assembled.
Please put them back on.
Much love,
The denizens of Gateclouts.
Post by: HMD Majesty on October 28, 2021, 05:20:35 pm
Please check for Dwarfs before dumping Items, so as to avoid further Injuries.
Checking for Cats and Kittens to avoid future Fatalities would be appreciated, but not required.
Thank you.
By My Hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty.
Post by: Maloy on October 28, 2021, 05:44:34 pm
When removing staircases that overhang 20 z-levels above the caverns please ensure that you are not standing on the same staircase you are in the process removing as this is a very good way to lethally injure oneself
from Health and Safety
Post by: Durmatagno on October 30, 2021, 02:47:52 am
It is I Durmatagno AKA Lord Hamster, you're humble overseer and master of dark magics.
Fortress Copperscale is thriving. We've had only two major attacks, both of which ended with only a few of our brave grizzlies injured. You have done well in dismembering zombies, and humans on horses who thought you would make easy prey. Unfortunately, I have a few complaints.
First off, which one of you keeps dumping their stew in the entry way? The stew is your rations, I can see your fellow dwarves either have eaten theirs, or still have them. That said, every time a fight finishes, there is a stew left on the ramp leading into the entry hall. Llama Heart stew, blueberry stew, and twice now potato stew. It's only ever one at a time, so which one of you is just dumping it there after a fight? If I don't get an answer soon, you will no longer get days off.
Secondly, could you please stop going to the bridge that seals our dump? There is nothing in that room but a spot to dump garbage, and then you leave to dump it into the pit where it can rot into miasma without bothering anyone. So tell me, why are there three steel morningstars down there? I didn't order any of those dumped, I don't mass dump, and they didn't come from our prisoners. We currently can't retrieve them, on account of the four zombie goblins loitering around down there occasionally getting slapped by falling junk. They are there because you guys didn't want to kill them, just kept slapping them, despite having weapons.
Finally, please do not scare the kobolds. There's only 33 known to be left alive, and six of them are in our zoo. There is a window there, and they aren't hostile, they aren't even the one surviving thief that still shows up every spring. It is only three of you in the Axe Squad, every time you go to the viewing area, you freak out and they scatter to hide in the back. We are trying to domesticate and repopulate them, you scarring them in such a way is not conducive to this. If this does not end, I will send you down to deal with the Iron-skinned monster hanging around in the waterways of the caverns.
PS. Dearest Baroness, you have had your title for one year, and your only mandates have been to ban the exporting of Querns, and the production of helms, which we already export. So I cannot understand why you appear to be one of the only unhappy dwarves in the fort. Thankfully you do not tantrum, but you seem upset that you aren't copying scrolls and codexes anymore. I don't know why, you are still the official scribe of our library, if this continues I will have to remove you from the position and give you a few months to cool down before I let you actually go back to it.
Post by: HMD Majesty on October 30, 2021, 05:46:58 pm
Werezebras are dangerous, tiresome, and
Her Most Dread Majesty
Post by: Schmaven on November 10, 2021, 06:20:21 am
When a pump has been built, there is no need to immediately begin pumping by hand. I will let you know when it is safe to pump. You have killed 2 dwarves...
Post by: Moonstone_Flower on November 11, 2021, 12:40:47 am
Dear Urist Pumpoperator,
When a pump has been built, there is no need to immediately begin pumping by hand. I will let you know when it is safe to pump. You have killed 2 dwarves...
From the private journal of Urist "Totally Not A Psychopath" Pumpoperator:
"I kill two dwarves in the morning, I kill two dwarves at night. I kill two dwarves in the afternoon..."
Post by: Magmacube_tr on November 11, 2021, 11:22:55 am
Please try to build the walls I ordered faster when I am trying to dig through a light aquifer. You just had to wait around being useless before the stairway fully flooded and blocked water blocked access. Now I have to either find a way to get the water out, or dig out an entirely new tunnel.
Signed
Magma
Post by: A_Curious_Cat on November 12, 2021, 09:42:06 pm
Why don’ ye apply yerself t’ the problem?
Signed
Urist McBuilder
Post by: HMD Majesty on November 22, 2021, 11:13:13 pm
We have ample Buckets in Our Stockpile. Stop using the Hospital Buckets.
By Our Hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty
[/hr]
What were you doing Outside? We had ordered you all Inside for the Winter!
Post by: recon1o6 on November 24, 2021, 05:30:36 pm
While we do prefer our armour to be over a certain quality, in light of the werepig ambush it has come to my attention that some of you are not wearing steel armour despite orders explicitly stating otherwise. These orders have never been changed since steel was produced in this fort.
Look at our latest death for reason why you should wear steel. The werepig couldn't bite through the steel helmet, but did get through the bronze greaves which were earmarked for disposal years ago for this very reason!
Recon
Post by: Magmacube_tr on November 28, 2021, 03:24:35 pm
Before leaving your cozy mountainhome behind to go to a completely savage, completely uninhabited continent to join the one and only fortress right in the middle of it, maybe get some weapons with you. Now your mangled corpses are in a fortress' graveyard that you were suppose to live in, but never got to see inside of.
Signed, Magmacube
Post by: Thisfox on December 02, 2021, 09:06:36 pm
We miss you so much mate.
We really could have used you in the first year.
Somehow I think embarking with two doctors would have been a plan.
--The Dwarves of Katimush.
p.s. There are now a lot of aligator sandbags made in your honour. RIP.
Post by: TheFlame52 on December 03, 2021, 12:31:56 am
Dear Urist McDoctorIt's rare to see a Dear Urist without the frustration.
We miss you so much mate.
We really could have used you in the first year.
Somehow I think embarking with two doctors would have been a plan.
--The Dwarves of Katimush.
p.s. There are now a lot of aligator sandbags made in your honour. RIP.
Post by: armads on December 04, 2021, 08:18:23 am
Why didn't you tell me that removing the [PET] tag from all the animals would cause no traders to appear? Why did you keep showing up demanding goods if you had no one to trade them? What, can't carry things yourself? Why did you keep asking what I wanted if you had no intention of bringing me goods?
//admittedly, this one is on me, but my attempt to make it so animals wouldn't become pets instead resulted in traders showing up alone with no caravans.
Post by: Eric Blank on December 04, 2021, 05:15:00 pm
Post by: locustgate on December 19, 2021, 04:38:15 pm
Why did you go into the tunnel seconds after you just dug a channel between the pit of lava and the empty tunnel that leads to a magma forge?
Post by: lucusLoC on December 20, 2021, 03:24:40 am
Dear Urist,
Why did you go into the tunnel seconds after you just dug a channel between the pit of lava and the empty tunnel that leads to a magma forge?
If the goal is to just power a magma forge you do not need any flow. Use a diagonal breach as it is the safest method. Make only one way into the magma chamber, dig and clear everything you need, then send one miner in to make a diagonal breach;
Code: [Select]
OOOOOO
OOOOMM
OOOOMM
+++XOO
++++OO
++++OO
O = wall
M = magma
+ = floor of you new magma reservoir
X = final wall to dig to start filling reservoir
As long as the last dig is the only job in the chamber you miner will pop down, dig it, and then head off to the next job. The magma will slowly trickle into the chamber with no pressure, so he will have all the time in the world to walk away. It may take a little while for the chamber to fill up enough to power a forge, but you really cannot beat the method in terms of safety.
Now, if you are planning on using the magma for anything else, like pumping, obsidian production or magma falls, this method is not good. Zero pressure means close to zero flow, and that means a very slow fill. But since forges not not actually consume magma this is not a concern.
Post by: Thisfox on December 20, 2021, 07:03:37 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on December 20, 2021, 10:02:49 pm
Post by: Thisfox on December 20, 2021, 10:49:12 pm
Spoiler: Here's my dorfproof volcano lava collection: (click to show/hide)
Post by: lucusLoC on December 21, 2021, 02:25:38 am
Foolish bastards!Spoiler: Here's my dorfproof volcano lava collection: (click to show/hide)
The problem with any of the channeling methods is a channels leaves a ramp behind. This ramp can be used by a dorf to access the other side, by first going down and then back up. If the dorf decides there is a job to do on the other side they can and will use the ramp path in the moment before magma flows into the space. This can obviously end in !!Fun!! for the dorf in question.
The diagonal breach method does not grant any pathing opportunity in the breached square, and even if a stone is produced and the miner decides to pick up that stone for a job the minder usually has the time to grab the stone before the first bit of magma enters the square. In the event there is no stone (which is most of the time) the miner will always choose a path away from the dead-end corner, back towards other jobs.
Now you can get similar pathing setups with a channel by, say, making sure the channel is against a wall, but this takes more setup than a simple diagonal breach, and still means a dorf could decide to grab any produced stone in the channel (and since it is a direct flow instead of a diagonal one the dorf will not have enough time to grab the stone before magma enters the tile).
I think the only way the diagonal breach could be deadly is if you do not have any beds and the miner decides to just sleep there after the digging job is done. So while you can take steps to make a channel breach safe (e.g. turn off all stone related jobs for the miner doing the breach), there is far less management involved in a diagonal breach. Like I said before, the only reason I would ever not use a diagonal breach was if I needed good magma flow, as they are about the slowest way to release magma we have.
Post by: DwarfUli on December 28, 2021, 02:14:48 pm
1) For the love of god, stop fishing and build the fishery already
2) When sent to pull a lever, please don't run up to it, lay down and take a nap next to it first, before pulling it
3) Please place all seeds in bags! Whats with all the seeds everywhere!!
Kind Regards,
Uli
Post by: muldrake on December 29, 2021, 04:29:15 am
Foolish bastards!My foolproof method (well not really mine I read it elsewhere):
Magma channel level.
XXXXXXXXXXM
CCCCCCCCBXM
XXXXXXXXXXM
X=Walls
M=Magma
C=Channel
B=Bridge
On the top level, I have the channel and at the square right before where I intend to breach, I build a bridge after channeling down. I prefer to use non-magma-safe material for this. Then I wall off the channel level so nobody can get in.
The breach level.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
UCCCCCCCCCCCRX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
U, Upward staircase
R, Ramp
This is in the z-layer directly below the magma channel. If you don't like a leftover ramp, I think you can deconstruct the ramp originally present and construct a new one out of non-magma-safe material. It doesn't matter what direction the hallway comes in so long as the ramp is directly below the bridge.
Now double check and make sure the magma channel is inaccessible. And designate the X directly to the right of the bridge on the channel level. Watch as the dwarf goes down to the corridor under the magma channel, stands on the ramp, and digs upward diagonally into where you want to breach.
When he's out, build a floor on the stairwell to keep anyone from going in there.
The channel will fill up, the bridge will melt, and you're done.
If you're really concerned with safety you can build out of magma-safe material but I don't like having the ramp and bridge around. The dwarf will have plenty of time to get out, though, unless that "idiot dwarf decides to fall asleep" thing happens, so make sure you have enough beds. Always make sure of that.
Post by: Magmacube_tr on January 02, 2022, 11:15:53 am
There are plenty of empty barrels lying around in the furniture stockpiles. Please don't just take the food and drop it on the food stockpile, and instead go take a barrel.
Signed,
Magmacube, your lord and god.
Post by: Shazial on January 31, 2022, 02:35:07 pm
Please stop decorating the old XXSocksXX when there's ☼Other Wearables☼ available.
Yours,
The Fate Holder
Post by: Felius on February 05, 2022, 01:04:10 am
Do I have to lock the artifacts down in fortifications or something?
Post by: Thisfox on February 05, 2022, 06:09:01 pm
Post by: TheFlame52 on February 05, 2022, 11:34:43 pm
Can you elf-loving sons of a goblin stop being convinced by foreign agents to steal our artifacts? I like displaying them in the tavern for all to see, but for Armok's sake, I can't go a week without having to track down a "misplaced" artifact, and a month without having to kill a "visitor" trying to just go away with said artifacts.I have a policy of leaving one crime unsolved in each fortress, so I can bring in every visitor for questioning as soon as they arrive. If they aren't who they say, or admit to coming to steal my artifacts, they'll be spending their visit to my fort behind bars.
Do I have to lock the artifacts down in fortifications or something?
Post by: doublestrafe on February 06, 2022, 04:16:11 pm
No. Just...no.
- The Management
Post by: Magmacube_tr on February 27, 2022, 08:22:21 am
Can you please lift your ban on exporting bracelets? It's been 3 years! This fortress relies on rock crafts for its economy. And we have about 500 stone bracelets laying around at the moment, and they keep piling up.
I am seriously considering trapping you in your room to starve or something.
Signed,
Magma
Post by: towerator on March 06, 2022, 05:24:49 am
Would you mind, well, legendary armoring instead of praying for the 4506th time? There are 70 bars of steel waiting for you, and you have no reason not to be able to forge.
- management
Edit: management found why, apparently the smelters thought they were too good for such rules as "Don't use all fuel in the fortress while smelting crap, you idiots!"
Post by: Ramiel. on April 15, 2022, 06:12:16 pm
This is a friendly reminder that, should you be asked to deconstruct a construction - say, an up/down stairs - it is unwise to stand on the thing you are deconstructing as you are deconstructing it. Especially when it is currently located above a several meter drop into the river. Management has provided safe standing space adjacent to your assignments; please stand there while working instead. We do not want to see another half-dozen drownings next week.
- Upper Management
Post by: Maloy on April 15, 2022, 06:27:50 pm
Yes, technically you are correct when you tell me that you are "standing near the marker" when I give you orders on where to stand, but standing a whole floor beneath the requested area is simply being cheeky
Even more so when you choose to stand a floor below on the outside of the walls
No one cried at your funerals by the way
Love
Your overseer
Post by: peli082 on April 22, 2022, 09:17:00 pm
I know that you like to smith adamantine gauntlets but, for the love of Armok we still need to make helmets, breastplates, mailshirts, boots, greaves, swords and spears. No, the military cant survive on being naked with only their gauntlets on. Urist McStreakerWrestler? He's the exception not the rule.
Yours truly,
Mayor
Post by: HMD Majesty on April 23, 2022, 03:06:28 pm
If you are installing a Piece of Furniture, and you discover that there is something in the way, which you can't shift out of the way because there are no free spots to shove it to, please report:
'Site Obstructed',
not:
'Could Not Find Path'.
By my Hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty
Post by: Ihtomyt on April 28, 2022, 07:58:51 am
You were granted your own bedroom for the purpose of a higher quality of rest and relaxation, for your mental health, not to leave your discarded belongings scattered on the floor. Our overworked carpenter even slaved away making you that nice ☼Funigwood Bed☼ you are so fond of while he should have been making cages.
In any case, while it is understandable that you are still attached to that XXgiant cave spider silk sockXX that saved you from losing a toe to a crundle, the real problem is the miasma created by the rotten plump helmets and giant tortoise meat that you've inexplicably left on your floor. You even had the audacity to complain to management about said miasma.
If this behavior continues, we will have to resort to placing you on a "permanent assignment" in the trash compactor room along with said rotten food.
- The Overseer
Post by: Eric Blank on April 28, 2022, 06:26:42 pm
The sock hoarding cannot be avoided unfortunately, without taking away their bedroom entirely
Post by: muldrake on May 22, 2022, 08:25:15 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/7l9iZoL.png)
Wait what in the world is going on here? What is in your head man?
Context, this woodcutter just cut down the tree this other dwarf was in, and while I've lost those messages, the mason had been seriously pulped by falling logs. But then, without the mason defending himself, instead of taking him to the hospital, this crazy bastard (who has a long history of attacking practically everything he sees) chops him up with an axe and kills him!
Somehow, this does not show up on the crimes menu. And the murderous axe-cutter "felt nothing" after seeing him die. It doesn't even mention that he killed him by chopping down a tree he was in and then chopping him up with the same axe while he laid there helpless and that somehow, the other dwarves are okay with this.
Just like. . .what happened here?
Also this maniacal woodcutter is listed as the slayer on the mason's slab.
(https://i.imgur.com/uBnj3V6.png)
ETA: the issue is sort of why is it an open and notorious fact that Axe Boy here chopped up another resident of the fort, to the point this fact gets literally carved on his tombstone, and the name of the axe murderer is on that very tombstone, and yet, everyone seems okay with this. Wtf man? What is going on?
Post by: Eschar on May 24, 2022, 06:56:24 pm
I think the justice system only tracks "premeditated" murders, i.e. vampires or fell moods.
Post by: spinnylights on May 25, 2022, 02:02:37 am
Presumably it was a tantrum or other stress-related fight.
I think the justice system only tracks "premeditated" murders, i.e. vampires or fell moods.
If there were no other dwarves to witness what happened, there were no other dwarves to report the crime. The game still knows what happened to the dwarf that was killed, of course, so it gets worked into that dwarf's life story for legends purposes. I don't think the two systems are very connected at this point. If one dwarf from the fort kills another and there are witnesses, they will definitely see it as a crime—tantrums usually lead to a lot of "disorderly conduct" accusations and the like.
Post by: muldrake on May 25, 2022, 02:02:34 pm
If there were no other dwarves to witness what happened, there were no other dwarves to report the crime. The game still knows what happened to the dwarf that was killed, of course, so it gets worked into that dwarf's life story for legends purposes. I don't think the two systems are very connected at this point. If one dwarf from the fort kills another and there are witnesses, they will definitely see it as a crime—tantrums usually lead to a lot of "disorderly conduct" accusations and the like.I don't know if I can check that directly, but there were, ahem, other dwarves in that tree too. It was a really poorly chosen designation. None of the others were harmed and I don't know why the woodcutter decided to axe murder one of the survivors.
Post by: WereDragon on May 26, 2022, 04:50:06 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on May 26, 2022, 06:36:09 pm
If there were no other dwarves to witness what happened, there were no other dwarves to report the crime. The game still knows what happened to the dwarf that was killed, of course, so it gets worked into that dwarf's life story for legends purposes. I don't think the two systems are very connected at this point. If one dwarf from the fort kills another and there are witnesses, they will definitely see it as a crime—tantrums usually lead to a lot of "disorderly conduct" accusations and the like.I don't know if I can check that directly, but there were, ahem, other dwarves in that tree too. It was a really poorly chosen designation. None of the others were harmed and I don't know why the woodcutter decided to axe murder one of the survivors.
I recall a fight breaking out between a dwarf that had been stuck in a tree and the woodcutter that I sent to "rescue" him too, it could be that it somehow triggers combat when a dwarf gets struck by falling logs as if the woodcutter had attacked the "victim" I've not experienced it in a while thoigh
Post by: muldrake on May 30, 2022, 12:39:15 pm
I recall a fight breaking out between a dwarf that had been stuck in a tree and the woodcutter that I sent to "rescue" him too, it could be that it somehow triggers combat when a dwarf gets struck by falling logs as if the woodcutter had attacked the "victim" I've not experienced it in a while thoighI'm pretty sure that's it, because a couple people involved in that scene engaged in a sort of low-key loyalty cascade for years afterwards. The last was a woodcutter (the one who cut the tree down on orders) who did nothing a year before he died but constantly go around annoying people resulting in task cancellation spam "interrupted by a woodcutter." Finally, he did this to an axe lord who just casually beheaded him in one swing and apparently ended the internal dispute.
This is good because we had a monarch coming and you can end up with a really bad loyalty cascade if you have crazy dwarves attacking them when they show up because the royal guard is all Legend at some weapon or another and generally also have that weapon.
Also I found out that while the necromancer proteges of my civilization did in fact write a lot of books they are all on insipid topics, the "secrets of life and death" are currently still all on slabs, but there are a lot of them. It's somewhat academic as I can't get to them.
I should have lifted the pop cap so more entourage could show up though. Now either a necro from my civ shows up or doesn't.
This may actually be the fort where I try taking on the circus, because other than the occasional semi-megabeast and one genuinely nasty FB, there is no real threat. There's a relatively short candy cane (or at least one), and much of the unharvested remnant is "safe" (in the sense of not opening clown world although it is submerged in magma and/or water). This was nicely formed though and had a number of stone levels with tendrils extending out from the main mass that were clearly safe.
I was also lucky enough to end up with four strand extractors, one of them actually competent, and one of them literally the queen. I had disabled strand extraction on all craftsdwarf's workshops, then built four workshops that had only extraction enabled, and limited it so only dwarves with at least Novice could use it. I was surprised to find the queen down there nearly immediately.
Post by: LaChouette on June 06, 2022, 06:29:26 am
Post by: Urist McShire on June 06, 2022, 02:03:47 pm
Stop loading the crossbow bolts into the weapon traps one at a time! You're carrying a whole stack of 25 copper bolts! Just load them all into the trap at once! I don't want to see you come back and forth 250 times! We're already under siege and I want those traps loaded pronto!
Sincerely,
Your extremely frustrated Overseer
Post by: Urist McShire on June 21, 2022, 12:55:42 pm
Could you please become a god of war for my people to worship? I sent all 30 dwarves of my military to stop you, but you and your accursed copper war hammer and copper shield slew 25 of them before a civilian miner who wasn't where he was supposed to be put you down with a pickaxe to your chest in a way none of their axes, spears, swords, or bolts could.
Sincerely, the frustrated but honestly impressed overseer
Post by: sketchesofpayne on July 09, 2022, 05:09:40 pm
After we remove the rest of the floor and all the stairs and ramps you can sit there on your little isolated plank of floor jutting out of the cliff face and think about your actions. Maybe we'll let you down after we finish digging and laying the new foundations and building the new walls.
Post by: Fortressmaker on July 16, 2022, 05:02:19 pm
The support team is having problem with the worthless some of your actions posses. So IF YOU HAVE WON 300 GOBLIN WABE DONT BE SO STUPID TO DONDGE OFF THE CLIFF JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE THE VIEW.
Signed me
P.s. Next time, land squarely.
Post by: hedgerow on July 17, 2022, 12:19:25 pm
You seem to reserve the stockroom for poison wines.
Why is this herbalist frisking every dwarf in teleport 0?
I don't have to stab her to the hospital bed...
Post by: HMD Majesty on July 26, 2022, 10:59:09 am
Stop picking Fights with Our Dwarfs and Watchducks. It is a Waste of Time for both Us and Our Dwarfs.
By My Hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty
Post by: RandomEngraver on September 10, 2022, 02:56:34 am
Please do claim your workshops once you enter strange moods.
I'm done wasting weapon durability on executing insane dwarves.
-Anonymous
Post by: Durmatagno on September 15, 2022, 09:39:04 pm
I know I am not the most competent of the dark gods that oversee the many many lives you have across many worlds, but I have some words of warning as I prepare my next world. While my experiment to create a friendly Hamster Man civ for you to trade with is on Hiatus, I have succeeded in creating a new threat for you. A Hyena Man civilization, similar to the Goblins but a little less sadistic and more...unified. I must warn you now that they have access to all the same creatures goblins do, plus many that humans do. Please for the of Me, antagonize them constantly so I can make sure they raid and siege properly. So far I have created ten worlds at 125 years, and it was only on the tenth one any dwarf has warred with them. Do you just like them because of their fur? On more internal notes.
Dear Urists of Inkportals
Despite our name, we sadly do not yet have a thriving paper industry. The process has begun, and the library should be filling with the spare paper and the quires we have bought to be copied, but instead, all that sits in the Library is a single green glass table, a green glass throne NOT by that table, and one green glass box. There should be 16 table-throne combinations, two boxes, and 20 green glass bookcases, as the glass industry is our current mainstay, so I thought it'd be fun to use it for our Temples, Inns, and Libraries. Why will you not haul any of the rest of the stuff? I've deleted the placements and put new ones down, and nothing is suspended, but I can see five different dwarfs loitering around in their rooms. I checked, those doors aren't locked, and you have Furniture Hauling. Please finish the Library, I want Inkportals to be the dwarven Library of Alexandria, and we can't get started till you have the library furnished. If this does not change soon, I'm going to let Urist McWereRaptor out of her office so that she feeds on some of you instead of the food and drink I dump into her room. Further, until the library is finished I will be setting off sirens anytime someone tries to party, there will be no parties till we have a libary.
Dear UristMcWarhammer Squad of Inkportals.
Stop. Biting. Goblins. You have silver warhammers and iron armor, but I've had to replace six members of the squad that got crippled because you only want to bite our invaders and gladiators. Use the heavy metal stick to beat some Goblins, or so help me I'm walling off your barracks and letting you starve. Not drop you in the execution pit, starve. At this point you're just wasting the time and resources put into you, time and resources intended to let us repel a Titan or Werebeast, but you can't even repel half armored goblins. I checked, none of them have anything better than copper armor, and most only have some shields and gloves. Please just smash their skulls in.
Finally
To whoever has created the hoard of rotting stew in the dormitory, why? We have two dining halls and an Inn, both of which have adjacent Prepared Food stockpiles, and a refuse pit that you are supposed to fill before I dump it into the water of the cavern below. Why are their six rotting stews in the corner, and why will no one get rid of them? I know it's not the military dwarves, they have their own dedicated floor and barracks, otherwise I'd assume they're just dumping it out of their inventory. There's been no mining or engraving jobs on that floor for three years, but the stew pile keeps growing. If it doesn't stop soon, you'll be relegated to just biscuits, please just eat it or dump it in the actual garbage.
Post by: ☼Obsidian Short Sword☼ on September 18, 2022, 07:20:14 pm
Please stop complaining whenever Urist McPeasant is carrying your seeds in a barrel.
-Overseer
Post by: juicebox on September 19, 2022, 09:00:01 am
That jabberer is minding it's own business, and it's not going to hurt you. Please stop spamming me with job cancellations.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Post by: bloop_bleep on September 20, 2022, 11:43:57 pm
Dear Dwarves of Violencegate,
That jabberer is minding it's own business, and it's not going to hurt you. Please stop spamming me with job cancellations.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
But there must be violence at the gate!
Post by: Magmacube_tr on September 26, 2022, 08:24:19 am
Please, I mean please, just do the food hauling correctly. Why is there 354 ☼giant moose meat roasts☼ just sitting around the prepared food stockpile? Why isn't there an option in this game to tell dwarves to separate stacks into smaller ones?! Toady, fix your game!
-Signed, Magmacube: The Fireblood Spirit
Post by: TheFlame52 on September 26, 2022, 05:56:50 pm
Dear Dwarves of Steelflags,It's too big for a barrel, but as long as it's in the food stockpile, dwarven magic will keep it from rotting.
Please, I mean please, just do the food hauling correctly. Why is there 354 ☼giant moose meat roasts☼ just sitting around the prepared food stockpile? Why isn't there an option in this game to tell dwarves to separate stacks into smaller ones?! Toady, fix your game!
-Signed, Magmacube: The Fireblood Spirit
Post by: Magmacube_tr on September 28, 2022, 04:28:56 am
Dear Dwarves of Steelflags,It's too big for a barrel, but as long as it's in the food stockpile, dwarven magic will keep it from rotting.
Please, I mean please, just do the food hauling correctly. Why is there 354 ☼giant moose meat roasts☼ just sitting around the prepared food stockpile? Why isn't there an option in this game to tell dwarves to separate stacks into smaller ones?! Toady, fix your game!
-Signed, Magmacube: The Fireblood Spirit
I know. It's just annoying.
Post by: Kyubee on September 28, 2022, 02:51:35 pm
The first few months of the fortress are not the time to take a nap. You can sleep, when we have basic essentials set up
-Management.
Post by: brewer bob on September 28, 2022, 08:37:03 pm
Have you ever tried to stay awake and work for several months non-stop?
No? Thought so.
Either let us sleep when we need to (preferably in a bed) or make us undead (preferably vampires without all that nasty dying business).
--Urist McDrowsy, on behalf of all Urists
Post by: FGRSentinel on October 17, 2022, 09:29:15 am
I get it, I really do. Mining down large areas is hard. That's why I decided that, when I wanted to dig a moat around the fortress, I would carve the area down around the site. I even had the woodcutters clear all the trees beforehand. Please, tell me how you manage to knock yourself unconscious while channeling a floor I haven't had you dig under before.
Also, while you're at it, please tell your friends to stop channeling out floors in my watchtowers in a way that collapses the entire interior to the ground. One of them already got knocked unconscious after falling six z-levels four times and I'm worried for his health.
-Your very confused and concerned overseer
Post by: Thisfox on October 21, 2022, 04:16:37 pm
I get it, I really do. Mining down large areas is hard. That's why I decided that, when I wanted to dig a moat around the fortress, I would carve the area down around the site. I even had the woodcutters clear all the trees beforehand. Please, tell me how you manage to knock yourself unconscious while channeling a floor I haven't had you dig under before.
Dear overseer,
Mining a channel is hard, and I get tired of climbing up a slope after mining downward. I saw that I could just channel sideways after digging downward channels and thought "This looks like an easy way of solving my tiredness". I didn't realise that it would break off the floor above. In future, mark out where we need to channel a ditch one Z at a time, and not several Zs at once. You brought this apon yourself.
Yours with a sore head,
Urist McChanneler.
Post by: FGRSentinel on November 02, 2022, 09:14:37 am
Yes, I'm glad you decided to visit my tavern and I know you traveled from far away. Your music and poetry are almost certain to make my fortress happy. I just have one question: why did you announce yourself as a vampire?
-The ever-concerned Overseer
Post by: HMD Majesty on November 05, 2022, 09:03:48 pm
If you must rotate your Wagon through a Wall while manoeuvring to leave, please exit said Wall before remembering that it is solid and thus cannot be moved through.
By my hand,
Her Most Dread Majesty
Post by: RandomEngraver on November 29, 2022, 02:20:07 pm
-The Overseer of Catmurdered
Dear Urist McTroopers, please keep away from the holy *carp bone figurine of a carp, two cats, and a cave dragon (the carp is laughing. The cats are chasing the carp. The cave dragon is dead.)* placed in the holy temple of Aanosiel the forgotten beast. Not only is it greatly impractical as a weapon, it's also coated in Aanosiel's total paralysis contact poison. Yes, I know you may drop your
-bismuth bronze hammers- every now and then, but would it hurt to just use your crossbows?
Any dwarf who butchers one of our beloved cats, tigers, etc. will be brutally slain via the Butcher of Sinners, a lovely artifact platinum warhammer. Fell mood or not, there is no excuse for such a crime.
Dear Urist McMoodyguy, please start crafting more practical items instead of a
*cherry wood crutch*. How about a *platinum warhammer*?
Dear dwarves, please be mindful of the fact that we keep stockpiles of various types of alcoholic drinks, from mead and beer to plump helmet wine. I'm looking at you, Urist McDoesNothingButComplainAboutLackOfVarietyInBooze.
Dear Urist McDistracted, please remain aware that putting poor Urist McTraumatized's guts back in is more important than getting a swig of sewer brew.
-The Overseer of Catmurdered, once more
Post by: Akura on December 11, 2022, 07:45:05 am
Please stop filling your rooms with meat and letting it rot. At this point, I don't even want to know why you're doing this.
Signed,
Overseer.
Post by: quintilius on December 11, 2022, 07:13:10 pm
Those are the same gauntlets you had on a moment ago... and the same breastplate... ok... and the same greaves.
Good - wait - sure, ok, take them all off again.
And now you're naked. And have left some food in the corner.
Ummm. You realize you just did that, right?
Oh god - more food? Seriously?
You could actually pick a different uniform - here let me suggest... oh... doesn't matter?
Great.
Tell you what - let's just give up on this whole military thing. What could possibly go wrong.
Post by: Urist McShire on June 05, 2023, 12:31:04 pm
When I sound the alarm and call for everyone to fall back inside the castle, that means cease fishing in the brook immediately! Not doing so and returning inside through the east postern could lead to your imminent deaths.
Thank you.
Sincerely, your exasperated overseer, who managed to rescue your sorry asses with the axedwarf squad and marksdwarves on the ramparts.
Post by: sodafoutain on August 21, 2023, 09:02:47 am
Regardless of the status of the ramps in the middle, you still have perfectly fine ramps on the sides. I can't believe that you allowed the miners to die of thirst because you were too afraid of the non-functional ramps to hazard the working ones. This is your fault!
Aggravatedly,
Overseer, who considered abandoning the second I designated a stockpile and none of your sorry asses started moving.
Post by: dwarfisdumb on October 06, 2023, 04:40:53 am
Can you all please stop complaining when I have you butcher cats and cavies, they HAVE to die or else the FPS will drop so low i will have to abandon all you idiots to fend for yourselves
-sincerely, your benevolent overlord
Post by: lazygun on November 05, 2023, 12:18:33 pm
Damnit guys! The crundles are 14 z levels above you! They are also terrified! They aren’t going to climb down to hurt you, and you aren’t going to climb up there either! Stop congregating on the ground below them, and stop climbing the walls of the volcanic vent. None of you made it higher than 1 z level (thank goodness otherwise the forge area would be full of dwarf gibs)
Ignore them! Stop cancelling jobs! Get a bloody drink!
Seriously, there is about a third of the fortress population milling around aimlessly. Serves me right for giving up on training marksdwarves.
Post by: dwarfisdumb on November 23, 2023, 03:53:44 am
WHY ARE YOU JUMPING IN THE MOAT LIKE AN IDIOT, I NEED YOU TO PROMOTE MY FORT
dissapointedly, your frustrated overseer
Post by: pganon on January 21, 2024, 05:47:22 am
I have no idea how you got into this hole in the middle cavern. Luckily for you I noticed, and our miners are busy creating an escape route for you.
However, I find it overly dramatic of you that you're now "hunting for small creatures", considering that you are sitting on a pile of fresh crundle corpses that you presumably produced yourself.
Your king
Post by: Salsa Gal on March 15, 2024, 06:31:58 am
I asked you to kill this camel. Why/how did you geld it with your bare hands? On second thought I don't want to know, just don't do that again
Sincerely,
Your disconcerted queen
Post by: Urist_isnt_real on March 15, 2024, 12:09:09 pm
-Urist McDepressed, for the love of Armok just go and pray to your four different gods of death and oblivion. Stop moping around in the tavern complaining you can't pray to your gods, or I'll have to make you emigrate to the fell mood factory. As building materials, of course!
-Urist Tangledaxe, stop dodging into the magma or trying to steal Bigsmears(TM). Stop selling us out to the goblins. Or I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out of the hospital next time you get a melted finger.
-Urist McMoody, stop making me useless crap. It's been 7 years and the only artifacts we have are finished goods and furniture. Yes, yes, I know you wanna make your bloody magnum opus, but at least make it something useful, or we'll sell it to the elves.
-To my dear doctors - put the soldiers' guts back in RIGHT NOW, or else. I don't care that you want to party, or recite poetry, or pray yourself to death in the temple. Do your jobs, or I'll toss you in the magma moat.
-To all foreign nobles coming to Lashsyrups, what is wrong with you? The last twelve of you were mauled by giant foxes. It's going to happen to the rest of you too, so just stay home.
-Urist McMiner, stop tossing your pick into the magma sea and pretending it's an accident. You saw what the hammerer did to the last moron who attempted that.