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[GaxkangtheUnbound]

Elves are smears.

[Rowanas]

A bunch. It's that simple.

After all, we already say "a bunch of dwarves".

Goblins are a horde.

Elves are a caravan, since they never show up any other time and the cheese-eating surrender-monkeys (elves, not french) are too timid to declare war.

[Zrk2]

In 40d about how many caravans could you kill before they invade?

[Rowanas]

Pfft. Varies.

If you take their stuff but leave the merchants unmolested, they never attacked.

If you insulted them with your wood, took all their stuff and then killed them, they laid siege to you after 2 or 3 trading sessions.

[Ovg]

Dear Urist McFarmer, it is not really nice to go on a break when we're just getting started with a fortress and growing crops is our #1 food source. Also getting a depression and drowning yourself in our only water source just because your family starved to death is bad, and you should feel bad.

[Samuel]

Elves are smears.

If the trap works right, ya.

[GhostDwemer]

Dear Obstinate Expedition Leader,

You are also the broker. You may not like it, but you are. When I ask you to go to the depot, please go to the depot. Do not begin hauling items, making me turn off your hauling labors. And after I turn off all your hauling labors, please do not begin mining. I did that because I want you to trade, not mine. And when I turn off ALL your labors, please do not choose to harvest plants just because I have 'all dwarfs harvest' selected. I turned off all your labors because I want you to trade, not harvest plants. And when I put you in a warren consisting of only the trade depot, please go right there. Do not stop for a bite to eat first. You weren't too hungry to harvest plants and mine and haul just a few seconds ago. Finally, when you get done trading, you have a meeting to conduct, remember? Please do not fall asleep in the depot right in front of the liaison and the traders and the guards, it makes us look bad, okay? Just do your job or so help me Armok, the first immigrant with decent social skills shows up and you are getting the boot.

[Ratbert_CP]

That's a good term. Crew, or mob, or gaggle.

Goblins would be a murder, like crows. Or, perhaps, a 'smear'.

We've used it as a term for a group of assholes, but "a stumble of dwarves" sounds about right, given their intelligence levels and alcohol consumption rates...

[Mantonio]

Dear Urist McDoctor

Fix the swordsdwarf that saved your arse from zombie horses up. C'mon, you've got all the necessary health labours enabled (and by that I mean, all of them) you have plaster, splints, everything you need to fix his fractured foot and ankle. You've also had every other labour disabled!

SO

WHY

WON'T

YOU

FIX

HIM?!

Sincerely, the Administration (which is considering sending you to the Circus)

[Fisher-Risen]

Dear Urist and Bembul McMedicalStaff
Please explain to me why my dual hammer wielding herodwarf is lying in the hospital WITH NO HEALTH PROBLEMS or PLANNED TREATMENT!

Yours truly,
Overseer

[Samuel]

Dear Faint Crafts,

As my new archer squad, created out of a desperate attempt to stop a troll that could have caused serious trouble, I can forgive you making a few blunders. However, the sheer degree of your incredible incompetance has convinced me that I must point a few things out:

1. You are archers. That means I want you to kill things from a distance. I agree that it is not very dwarfy, but it is more dwarfy than being dead.

2. If you must try to kill a giant monstrous, tusked subterranian beast which has already earned itself a name by killing more experienced soldiers, attack it all. at once. Approaching it in single file so that it can give it's underground home a fresh coat of red paint accomplishes nothing.

3. Stop punching the damn thing in the arms, legs and torso. That just pisses it off. Try to actually hit it somewhere that will allow you to live long enough to get a second hit in.

4. I will cede that this is in no way your fault, but it peeves me off to no end that you actually managed to cherry tap that thing to death three z-levels or so from the surface, where it would have instantly fallen into the traps. You need to fight either a bit better, or a bit worse, and considering your jobs are about to be adjusted to "Cave-dwelling abomination bait", it'll probably be the latter.

Please consider these points while you lay chained in the caverns, whistling for giant cave spiders.

Your Overlord, sans patience,
Samuel

[imperium3]

Dear Urist McBaron,

Your efforts to help out Admiredale by mining in your spare time are much appreciated, especially as you are a legendary miner. While we extend our sincerest apologies for the channeling accident that occurred while you were making the power supply for the magma pumpstack, we do feel that your injuries would be recovered faster if you stopped staggering out of bed.

The Management

________________________

Dear Urists McDoctors,

No, your patients generally aren't resting after you drag them out of bed and slam them onto a bloodstained operating table. They're probably quite alarmed. But that doesn't mean you should give up and go for a drink, leaving them stranded on the bloody operationg table. At the very least put the poor dwarves back first. Even if they are noble. We haven't invented Marxism just yet!

The Management

[Gr33kjester]

Dear Urist McBaron,

Your efforts to help out Admiredale by mining in your spare time are much appreciated, especially as you are a legendary miner. While we extend our sincerest apologies for the channeling accident that occurred while you were making the power supply for the magma pumpstack, we do feel that your injuries would be recovered faster if you stopped staggering out of bed.

The Management

________________________

Dear Urists McDoctors,

No, your patients generally aren't resting after you drag them out of bed and slam them onto a bloodstained operating table. They're probably quite alarmed. But that doesn't mean you should give up and go for a drink, leaving them stranded on the bloody operationg table. At the very least put the poor dwarves back first. Even if they are noble. We haven't invented Marxism just yet!

The Management

...
Very good...
...
Anyway, back on topic!
Dear Urist McMasons, BUILD THOSE DAMN HOUSES, AND STOP CREATING TRADE UNIONS, oh and Urist McChild, Good, everyone's happy due to your parties, but, F*CKING STOP THEM! Masons need to make houses...
Signed (In Person, be happy dwarfs),
Comrade 'Joseph' Gr33kjester

[NobodyPro]

Dear Urist McAngst,
I know that my great underground city is taking a lot of time to dig out, the wildlife has been interrupting everyone constantly and that your wife was so preoccupied at work that she stopped eating and died but I would really appreciate it if you would throw your tantrums in a way that wouldn't damage my trade relations with the Elves before I finish the defences. I appreciate that you took it upon yourself to smash the trade depot and flood the fortress with food and goods and somehow managed to punch a master swordelf to death while only losing your left arm but you are a farmer and everyones a little hungry. Stop being selfish, the military needs training and you don't. Anyway, 22 Dwarves have just arrived so go to a party and cheer up.

Sincerely, Nullus Corpus

---

(found posted on the local bulletin board)
Dear everyone,
I would like to inform everyone that you are spineless cowards. I understand that recent events may have left you fearing for your lives but cancelling things like drinking and hauling because of some fish is just plain cowardly. They aren't zombie minnows, they aren't skeleton minnows, they aren't even minnows. They're Harmless Minnows! Eat a rock and toughen up you elf-loving bastards.

Sincerely, Nullus Corpus

[ancistrus]

Dear Urist McLegendaryChild,
you claimed the craftsdwarfs workshop and brought raw adamantine in.
That is why I thought you were going to create some nice stone craft of trendemous value. That is why I granted you access to the entire Martyredkeys and all its wealth. You then proceeded to collect: 1 cut blue diamond, 1 rough faint yellow diamond, 1 steel bar, 1 platinum block and 180 elephant bones. Your work resulted in plain elephant bone statue.
I acknowledge my share of responsibility in this fiasco, but I am already sick of all dwarves in this fortress either creating useless artifacts and gaining useless skills or being possesed. You are to be made an example of. That is why you were sent to our entrance hall and dropped 6 levels.

Later:

Dear late UristMcLegendaryChild,
I was hoping you would be lying in hospital for several months, treated by dabbling doctors, trying to set your bones right and suture your wounds, but I admit that your alternative, namely falling unconscious on a trap with 10 masterwork iron trap components was even more amusing. Tiny bits of your body are being hauled to a -gabbro coffin- right now. Enjoy resting in the pet section of our catacombs forever.

Your Baron who has had it with those **** bonecarvers in this ***** fortress.

Proklínám, ty tvoje ústa proklínám....

PS: I hope you can see that your parents are still ecstatic.