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[Kraftwerk]

Dear Urist Dakonsibrek,

If you're going to convince your squad to massacre all of your friends in the fortress, and break every bone in a woman's body with a sandle, at least don't pretend to be "Attending a Meeting." as your current labor.

[MythagoWoods]

Dear Dwarves of 3 forts in a row,

Stop embarking next to the river with crocodiles.  I'm getting tired of losing 7 dwarves before I can react.

Sincerly,
The Unfortunate Embarker

[Niccolo]

Dear Urist Dakonsibrek,

If you're going to convince your squad to massacre all of your friends in the fortress, and break every bone in a woman's body with a sandle, at least don't pretend to be "Attending a Meeting." as your current labor.

That's a pretty damn hardcore meeting right there.

"I'm attending the meeting of my sandal with that woman's entire skeleton."

[Conrad]

Dear Urist McAxedwarf,

I was truly worried as I saw that Cyclops sitting on top of the entrance waiting in ambush. Then you showed up and I was ready for your suicide.

Ten seconds later, and you're standing there solo bashing in the one-eyed freak's head thirty times in a row with your axe.

I no longer worry about the safety of my fort.

[Mrhappyface]

Dear inhabitants of Routedramparts,

The beasts from beyond time that are currently lurking in our basement should not be of any concern. However, you seem to have gotten it into your heads that a beast with a shredded torso and lower body, along with a punctured lung, and severe internal bleeding lying 70 feet below the lowest entrance is terrifying you guys into a traffic jam. 5 of you idiots died of thirst. While I would normally be more forgiving, the fact that we lost our best weaponsmith due to FUCKING CROWDING is unnaceptable. Have fun being locked in your quarters for 3 months!

Sincerely, Avatar of the Dark God

[Corwyn]

Dear Champion Obok Zuntirisan,

  How long have you been practicing your kobold punting?  I didn't see the combat report, I did see a brief flash of you and the kobold thief, and then a corpse being punted off the mountain 57 tiles diagonally where it hit the border to the unknown lands to the south.

  You and your squad will have permission to sleep in your new quarters with some of that legendary glassmaker's furniture to style it. 

~ Amused, but now really worried about tantrums, Giant X of Doom & Merriment.

[shadenight123]

dear urist mccook.
you have rock pots.
you have wooden barrels.
you have bins.
so why, why MUST YOU PUT THE FOOD IN AN OPEN TILE WHYYYYY.
sincerely, your soon with one dwarf less overlord.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urist Mc liaison,

I know that mason is also the expedition leader, and I know you need to talk to him. But watch what else you're doing.

Really, did you not notice the heat on the other side of that wall? The one he was deconstructing?

Yeah, he got away from it just fine, but I can't imagine your negotiations will go quite as easily now that your lower lip is melted.

Listening for his amusement,
the overseer.

[Noir]

Dear Assorted Badgers,

The carp in the river can not get to you. Please stop giving me combat alerts.

Sincerely,

The Overseer

I lol'ed!!

[Manae]

dear urist mccook.
you have rock pots.
you have wooden barrels.
you have bins.
so why, why MUST YOU PUT THE FOOD IN AN OPEN TILE WHYYYYY.
sincerely, your soon with one dwarf less overlord.

Dear Overseer Shadenight:
We understand your discomfort, sir, we really do. It might not look very good to have the food sitting out in the open in the stockpiles. But, we can't manage to squeeze more than 10 meals in a barrel. We figured it'd save space in the long run to just let the stacks of Kitten Tallow Roast x 40 sit out. The kittens that are still alive should protect most of it from any vermin.

Sincerely,
The Food Haulers Union

[jaxy15]

Dear Hunters,

What the hell?!
How are you scared by capybara men?!
You took out giant capybaras.
How are you afraid of an unconscious anthropomorphic capybara?!

[Sidhien]

Dear Urist McNoviceMiner,

I would very much like to know how you managed to generate a stone for practically every tile of our new dining room except for the 8 tiles of hematite our furnace operator had been waiting for.

With anticipation,
Overseer Sid

[Sarda]

Dear Urist McNoviceMiner,

I would very much like to know how you managed to generate a stone for practically every tile of our new dining room except for the 8 tiles of hematite our furnace operator had been waiting for.

With anticipation,
Overseer Sid

Dear Overseer Sid,

Urist McNoviceDoctor said I needed more iron in my diet. My beard was getting too brittle.

Your obedient servant,
Urist McNoviceMiner

[Valience]

Dear Urist McCrossbowSquad,

I realize that having an entire outfit that you have to put on is hard, and that carrying some ammo on top of that is even harder, but really, you've been told to have your outfit replace your normal clothes so you're always good to go. So why in Armok's fury are you still picking up equipment and providing no support to our front lines against that centaur siege 8 years into the fort?

Contemplating a magma chamber for your uselessness.

Dear Urist McIgnoringBurrows,

I realize you have mechanic enabled. I also realize there is a cage trap that needs changed. However, that trap is and has been outside of every burrow you're allowed to enter during a siege. So what possessed you to run out into a full siege of centaurs and get brutally murdered when you are one of the few legendary engravers of the fort?

You deserved your death, you tool.

Dear Urist McAwesomelyTrainedSteelDwarf,

Hi there. It's me, you know, that guy who helped you become legendary in so many military skills. I was wondering why after mastering hammers, throwing, armor, dodge, shield, and concentration; being nearly a master of fighting, and having various training in support skills such as swimming, biting, kicking, and striking, that you still can't seem to smash someone's skull open when they're lying unconscious at your feet. If you would just aim at their head, I'm fairly certain the other 4 people attacking you would have been just as easily dispatched, and you you wouldn't have had those two lucky hits that took off your left hand and your right arm. Seriously, crack some skulls instead of trying to smash off hooves, you moron.


Sincerely,
 Frustrated overseer.

PS- When I toss all of you morons to the clowns, remember you brought it upon yourselves.

[malimbar04]

Dear Urist

What's more important - the life of your sadly dead (and buried) friend, or... everyone else in teh fort who is STILL ALIVE. You think destroying a still, a depot, and killing a cat is going to get you places?

And this is why kings around the world keep dwarves in solitary confinement from birth.