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[Tiruin]

Dear Urist McMason

When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.

But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.

That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.

Truly yours,
The Overseer

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist McMason

When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.

But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.

That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.

Truly yours,
The Overseer

To the Overseer; re: Masonry

Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible.  Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.

Sincerely;

Urist McMason, Jnr.

[Reudh]

Dear Urist McOnceWasAPeasantButNowAHerbalist,

May I remind you you were only promoted to herbalist because the fort was low on food, and hence we require quite a few people to be outside to feed us- that when ambushed by six goblins, you don't try to run TOWARD them... I may just assume you're committing mutiny and have you sentenced to death by Danger Room. And believe me, being torn to death by FORTY WOODEN SPEARS takes quite a while.

(I know you survived, let's just think that the goblins weren't interested in your mud-caked beard and instead wanted to fight REAL DWARVES).

Sincerely, disgruntled Overseer Reudh of Murakgoden who wanted some prisoners.

[RAKninja]

Dear Urist McMason

When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.

But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.

That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.

Truly yours,
The Overseer

To the Overseer; re: Masonry

Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible.  Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.

Sincerely;

Urist McMason, Jnr.

dear locally bonded masons, lodge 507,

this left side business is news to me!  why did you fine fellows insist on walling yourselves into the caverns after i told you to build the walls (following first in, last out SoP) with the last walls to be constructed on the right?  there was a space open to the left of the final wall section, but no, you and your lodge brother sealed yourselves into the caverns.  despite your eagerness, i have no wish for you to explore the caverns.  you two are nudists, and the job of exploration is better suited to those big muscular dwarves that wear the nice blue metal armor.  we have a persistent security breach because no matter the order of designation, you always wall yourself into the caverns, and i am unwilling to lose you.

if anything happens to crawl up through the caverns, we will be returning to the "goblin years" policy of drafting everybody not actively involved in keeping the whole sodding mess of you drunken midgets alive.  then, i will march the lot of you off to find "itvid", that giant green three eyed anteater that has coated the flooded caverns with his mucous.

kindest regards:
the power behind the throne

[ThatAussieGuy]

Dear Urist McMason

When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.

But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.

That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.

Truly yours,
The Overseer

To the Overseer; re: Masonry

Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible.  Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.

Sincerely;

Urist McMason, Jnr.

dear locally bonded masons, lodge 507,

this left side business is news to me!  why did you fine fellows insist on walling yourselves into the caverns after i told you to build the walls (following first in, last out SoP) with the last walls to be constructed on the right?  there was a space open to the left of the final wall section, but no, you and your lodge brother sealed yourselves into the caverns.  despite your eagerness, i have no wish for you to explore the caverns.  you two are nudists, and the job of exploration is better suited to those big muscular dwarves that wear the nice blue metal armor.  we have a persistent security breach because no matter the order of designation, you always wall yourself into the caverns, and i am unwilling to lose you.

if anything happens to crawl up through the caverns, we will be returning to the "goblin years" policy of drafting everybody not actively involved in keeping the whole sodding mess of you drunken midgets alive.  then, i will march the lot of you off to find "itvid", that giant green three eyed anteater that has coated the flooded caverns with his mucous.

kindest regards:
the power behind the throne

To: The Power Behind The Throne
Re: Right-hand side

It would appear those deviant right-side heathens have infiltrated our numbers yet again.  Be aware that the standard practice is indeed to wall from the left, and those two deviants should be left to the fate they so rightly deserve.

 Sincerely; The left-sided masonic dwarf brotherhood

[ledgekindred]

Dear Stupid Goblins and Trolls,

Thanks for walking into all those cage traps I have set up.  Now you are in my animal stockpile waiting for me to release you into the barracks for "Training purposes."

By the way, you are locked in with a zombie cave crocodile and some zombie naked mole rats.  Most of them are pretty rotten.  If I may paraphrase the immortal words of legends, "Welcome to fucking Palaceblameless!  Hope you like miasma!"  Smell it while you can, for you shall certainly be dead soon.

Yrs
Omniscient and not-so-benevolent Overseer

[noah22223]

"Welcome to fucking Palaceblameless!  Hope you like miasma!" 

"Welcome to fucking Boatmurdered! hope you like miasma!"

[Vorthon]

What Noah22223 posted/said.

[The Merchant Of Menace]

I like how everyone ignores the fact that he stated he was paraphrasing AKA taking a famous quote and using it to suit his own needs.

[malimbar04]

I like how everyone ignores the fact that he stated he was paraphrasing AKA taking a famous quote and using it to suit his own needs.

I hope you know that's not the definition of paraphrasing.
Anyways...

Dear Urist,
please stop going outside the fort. We have a triple-lock, trap-infused entrance with war dogs on ropes for a reason. Notice how many people complain of lost cats? Hint, they're not running away.

[Tiruin]

Dear Urist McAnimalHauler

Just like the note to the Mason I've sent, I'm surprised at your view on self-preservation. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that you have full rights to leash that tame tiger/giant eagle and move it to the designated pasture or chain but you should also remember that when an animal is in a leash and you are holding it, it can't attack any other hostile until you let go of the leash.

Please remember that tame animals are fiercely loyal to us all, let go of it once danger is spotted. Remember the story of Koganusan? Yes, that is what I mean by loyal animals once tamed.

And don't forget the old saying "Run while you can, there is always a chance to stand and fight."
If I may clarify, go let go of that leash when you see a goblin conscript charging at you with fear in his eyes. The animal you are bringing won't save you from him if you still hold the leash. I repeat, you will have to fight him, yourself

And thanks for bringing those giant eagle eggs for my breakfast, now please tell me when I will have my giant eaglets?

-The Overseer who loves fried eggs.

(I also wish that Toady would implement a "retreat" option in the military, just like move but it would ignore hostiles. Ignore the words in the parentheses, not connected to letter at all)

[HunterBlackLuna]

Urist McEverybody,

If the prisoner in for a hundred days is not brought food and drink, he is going to die. The prisoner is the commander of militia and we are under siege.  It is in your direct personal interest to have the commander of our military avoid dehydrating to death. We have hundreds of barrels of booze. Yes, there are no freshwater sources available to give a drink from, because the river is guarded by seventy angry Goblins, but the prisoner is not injured and can drink booze like any good Dort. We also have fifty idlers in the Great Hall, right next to said booze.

Signed, Management.

Urist McMayor,

I understand your anger that your production mandate was ignored. However, I have three points to bring to your attention. 1. This fortress does not currently possess the ability to make pig iron. 2. The commander of the militia is not in charge of metalworking and was a weaver before he joined the military. 3. 100 days is an extreme sentence for failing a production order. I know you believe that it's a step up from having the captain of the guard violently beat the last militia commander to death in the food stockpile, but in either case, the 'offender' is now dead. Pursuant to these events, if the Goblins manage to pierce our weakened defenses, you will die screaming. You will deserve it.

Signed, Management.

Urist McMason,

When building a wall, you can choose to stand within the workshop, sealing yourself up with a babbling lunatic who's threatening to explode into a berserker rage and tear you to pieces with their bare goddamn hands, or you can choose not to stand within the workshop to be sealed up. As you know, our civilization believes heavily in the values of self-determination that brought our people to Anusdimple in the first place, and so, whatever your choice may be, your fellow Dorfs will not interfere with it in any way.

With Love, Management.

[ledgekindred]

I like how everyone ignores the fact that he stated he was paraphrasing AKA taking a famous quote and using it to suit his own needs.

I hope you know that's not the definition of paraphrasing.

From the ODD (Oxford Dwarfish Dictionary):

parahprase: v. "To blatantly steal for one's own purposes."

nyah...

[The Master]

Dear Kurthyvor*, Dracon Trader

Just because YOU can breathe underwater does not mean your mule can.  Stop swimming through the sewer system to get to the trade depot and then having your friends getting pissy and leaving because your mule drown.  No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa.  It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.

Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning corpses out of the plumbing.



_{*"Dagger" in dracon}

Dear Urist McRetard,

Please stop attempting to eat slime goo. it is quite embarrassing for you and your co-workers. Also, when you see a volcano, please refrain from attempting to drink out of it. One last thing, DON'T F*CKING RUN OVER TO THE TROLLS ASKING FOR PEACE, THEY'LL JUST EAT YOU.

~Your favorite Master

[Tiruin]

Dear Urist McThirst

Thirst is a very bad thing, I should know, I am the overseer. Drink, that is good to keep your mind busy, water is also good, only resort to drinking that when wounded or out of drink.

Now here is another thing, magma. You've heard of it right? It burns through rock, steel and flesh and is colored red. That "red" isn't the same color like that nice cranberry wine I got for the fort from our good neighbors.

Thirst is bad, but what is worse when you forget what you are drinking out of. Just remember, I care about you no matter how useless unskilled you still are. Do NOT drink out of magma no matter how dehydrated you are. I'd rather keep you sane and sober than with half of your face melted off.

Sincerely,
The Overseer