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[Lielac]

Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,

STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!

Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with.  I had 190 dwarves in Spring.  It's now Summer and I have 225.  The only increase has been babies.  If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.

-The Angry Babysitter

Dear Angry Babysitter,

Try going into d_init.txt and changing BABY_CHILD_CAP to say [BABY_CHILD_CAP:0:0]. It won't abort the already extant pregnancies, but it will stop any more from happening once the last wave has passed. If there are still too many squalling mouths, I suggest magma and/or this setup:

The cyan lines are upright spike traps, connected to the lever on the other side of the door. Send the mother into the lever room to pull it repeatedly and lock the door behind her. Her mobile booze-guzzlers will attempt to follow and the spike traps will destroy them. This also works on anyone or anything else, as spike repeaters, unlike more conventional traps, do not distinguish between friend and foe.

Best regards for continued unfortunate accidents,

Armok

[Nyxalinth]

Akura: Beekeepers will sometimes go stand where a hive used to be, even if someone else already grabbed it. Don't have more than one beekeeper. In fact, avoid beekeeping--it's more work than it's worth, what with needing to make hives, screw presses and jugs (which have no, minimal, and no use outside of beekeeping) and only getting a little alcohol, a tiny bit of cooking material, and some tiny bit more crafting material out of it, as well as needing two completely and one mostly specialized professions to do it, one of which (a completely) the skill level actually matters for.
Also, banning something you wouldn't do just prevents her from making another mandate. Treasure it.

Nyxalinth: Dude, the first cavern layer isn't always within 20 levels. Try looking, oh, 100 down and then complain.

Well, I usually hit it much sooner that 20, much less a hundred   Once I hit it in six.

Signed, Nyx, Who is Not a Dude

Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,

STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!

Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with.  I had 190 dwarves in Spring.  It's now Summer and I have 225.  The only increase has been babies.  If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.

-The Angry Babysitter

I feel you.  I put the baby count to 0 once I hit 65 population (pop cap is set for 60) and the facetious wenches immediately squirted out five more.  Like, Immediately after setting it. 

Me:  *sets count*

Urist McPregant has given birth to a boy x5

Six months pass, and nothing.  Then suddenly, another kid.  I'm guessing she'd just gotten pregnant right before I set the cap.

Dear dwarfettes of Firegears,

You drop one more sprog after I set the init for no more babies, and both you and your brat are going into the magma when I find it.  Population is sitting at 75, and it will STAY THERE.  Or else, I'm sure I can arrange a little tea party for you both with the goblins when they inevitably come to say hello when you push us to 80.

Not amused,

the Overseer of Firegears

[GreatWyrmGold]

They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.

Nope.  Not forbidden or marked for dumping, fresh off the forge and straight into the stockpile.  All of the military even have the little green checkmarks in their equipment screen saying "I HAS BOOTS!", and like I said, they've put on the entirety of the rest of their uniform.  It's just the boots they refuse to put on.  It's been like a year now since I made the first pairs.  I don't get it.

The checkmarks mean "There are enough boots for me to has all you told me to has."

Edit:
Also, idle dwarves, I know I haven't streamlined the newcomers into labor yet, and since Cryptclear is frozen over all year, I know it's not the most exciting place and so you may be bored.  But please, stop going outside and playing chicken with the zombies.  You may outrun them, but one trip-up is all it takes.

Just let them die as a reminder for the next group.
Or locate repeat offenders and lock them into aboveground glass rooms. Same idea.

Success!  About damn time.

And to re-rail the thread, one last thing, dear elves:

What the fuck am I supposed to do with a pair of giant lice?

-Cryptclear Overseer

Breed enough lice to set against an invasion or megabeast or something. It only takes one to annoy a goblin, and a single pair can start annoying a giant within weeks! They're much more efficient than normal lice.

Dear Urist Mcthrall: Mind Flayers possess incredible mental faculties, as well as powerful psionic abilities. You do not. Your stupidity has caused you to be filled with high velocity lead projectiles, as well as your new master.


Sincerely, Your former overseer.

What part of "does not possess mental faculties" do you not understand? Thralls aren't geniuses, and they kill all of their teachers. What do you expect?

Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,

STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!

Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with.  I had 190 dwarves in Spring.  It's now Summer and I have 225.  The only increase has been babies.  If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.

-The Angry Babysitter

Dear babysitter,
We're willing to keep having babies if it means we get a new statue garden. Thanks for informing us on the cause and effect! Now if only we could figure out why we're having babies...oh, well.

Nyxalinth: Dude, the first cavern layer isn't always within 20 levels. Try looking, oh, 100 down and then complain.

Well, I usually hit it much sooner that 20, much less a hundred   Once I hit it in six.

Signed, Nyx, Who is Not a Dude

Ms. Nyx, do you play with caverns?

[Splint]

Dear humans of The Ivory Confederacy,

We've only had one birth. There's the inn, two wells and a nice garden around some exquisite trees (hey humans tend to appreciate nature before we completly wreck it like a desperate convict with his new cellmate,) You all have many friends, several have lovers, GET MARRIED ALREADY AND REVIVE THE CIVILIZATION.

The lack of autumn migrants worries me enough, I don't need you lot not making babies compounding things that will get worse once the invaders are turned back on. Hell I seem to be having the opposite problem as our angry babysitter.

Signed,
The Overseer.

----

To the Beekeepers of Ivoryhomes, of The Ivory Confederacy,

You speed at collecting hives amazes and confuses me. Whichever one fo you has the highest skill gets thier own house, with storage for jugs and even a screwpress to call your own. Maybe I'll make more hives and try to get industrial beekeeping going for shits and giggles.

Enjoy,
The Overseer.

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear humans of The Ivory Confederacy,

We've only had one birth. There's the inn, two wells and a nice garden around some exquisite trees (hey humans tend to appreciate nature before we completly wreck it like a desperate convict with his new cellmate,) You all have many friends, several have lovers, GET MARRIED ALREADY AND REVIVE THE CIVILIZATION.

The lack of autumn migrants worries me enough, I don't need you lot not making babies compounding things that will get worse once the invaders are turned back on. Hell I seem to be having the opposite problem as our angry babysitter.

Signed,
The Overseer.

Clearly, you two need to transport your fortresses to the same world for a while to exchange dwarves.

[NESgamer190]

Dear military of Swordarmor:

What in Armok's beard are you dwarves doing?  You are not to be sparring, but rather attempting to kill the forgotten dimetrodon with wings and deadly dust!  The bloody thing's headed up the shaft with the intent to kill the fortress, and you are more worried about your sparring?  Get all your posteriors down there and kill it!  I will not accept failure as an option, nor flooding the shaft with magma due to precious cargo down there.  Water flooding's NOT possible, due to the fact the dimetrodon can swim.

Yours absolutely berserk:
NESgamer190

[Dr House]

Dear UristMcFortresscrumbler

Stop causing cave-ins on your fellow dwarves. The last one tantrumed and the fortress went to shit.
Quit it, or some "Unfortunate accidents" will be occouring in the next days.
That's for you too, UristMcNoble. Quit being a dick, or you'll have to take a trip to the "sauna" room.

Regards, the crazy ruler of GoldGears.

[Nyxalinth]

GreatWyrmGold,

I do indeed, but given other aspects of my current fort are being wonky, I wouldn't be surprised if that was, too.

Dear Babyfactories,

I warned you.  I also set the init file to ZERO GODDAMNED BABIES.  How you're continuing to have them, I don't know, but if this continues I'll be making a new Mommy Squad to deal with the goblins when they come, and no one will give a shit, because engravings and gold statues in every room.

Me

[GreatWyrmGold]

GreatWyrmGold,

I do indeed, but given other aspects of my current fort are being wonky, I wouldn't be surprised if that was, too.

How many layers? You're normally suppose to have like 15 layers or soil and stone, minumum, between the bottom of the surface and the top of the first cavern layer.

Dear Babyfactories,

I warned you.  I also set the init file to ZERO GODDAMNED BABIES.  How you're continuing to have them, I don't know, but if this continues I'll be making a new Mommy Squad to deal with the goblins when they come, and no one will give a shit, because engravings and gold statues in every room.

Me

Wait a few months. The baby cap won't stop existing pregnancies, only prevent new ones.

[Manze]

Dear women of Dikelure,

babies are bad. Stop having them. you've had 25+ this year so far alone. You figure with a fort name like that there'd be less babymaking...

Yours,
     Overseer

[Eric Blank]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,

WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?

Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.

Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
Also, was the open space connected to a way out? If not, that dwarf is smarter than you!

I meant open space as in a tile which they can freely stand on, and yes, from there she would have had a path back out. The moron decided she wanted to take a dive regardless.

[Poindexterity]

Dear idlers,
Please bring your dead friends remains to their final resting place BEFORE looting them of those precious precious socks.

[Sus]

Dear military,

You are not supposed to be lemmings. Please stop acting like them and wandering out into a siege to fill a waterskin from the brook or grab the gear of your squadmate who just got himself fucking killed! 

Dear civilians,

"Pull the Lever" means "Drop everything and pull the goddamn lever right the fuck now!", not "Feel free to ignore fortress-saving lever pulling order until next year or so..."

[GreatWyrmGold]

Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,

WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?

Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.

Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
Also, was the open space connected to a way out? If not, that dwarf is smarter than you!

I meant open space as in a tile which they can freely stand on, and yes, from there she would have had a path back out. The moron decided she wanted to take a dive regardless.

...Well, he got out OK, so that was a good idea...

Dear idlers,
Please bring your dead friends remains to their final resting place BEFORE looting them of those precious precious socks.

Dear Poindexterity,
Our feet are cold! Make or get us some spare socks so we can replace them before our friends die.

Dear civilians,

"Pull the Lever" means "Drop everything and pull the goddamn lever right the fuck now!", not "Feel free to ignore fortress-saving lever pulling order until next year or so..."

Burrows.
Or dwarves with nothing else to do, locked into the room. Maybe next time you should station a squad of civilians in the lever room, lock the door, and THEN have them pull levers.

[Splint]

Dear military,

You are not supposed to be lemmings. Please stop acting like them and wandering out into a siege to fill a waterskin from the brook or grab the gear of your squadmate who just got himself fucking killed! 

Don't let them carry any supplies then.
---
Dear humans of Ivoryhomes

NEED MORE PEOPLE.

We just had two deaths from glitched floors falling on people, one of them making a man vestigial to the community except as a soldier or farm hand. MAKE WIT DA BABIES.

Signed,
The Overseer.

Dear elven traders,

GTFO. We're done trading. Or do you want to end up like that last elf caravan?

Signed,
The Overseer.