Welcome weary travelers, to the world of Galgaria. Do what you want during your stay here, apart from one thing...
This is Paul:
(http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1064656!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/pineapplefacts20n-1-web.jpg)
Well, it does say minimalist...
Sew my own mouth shut to prevent myself from eating Paul the pineapple.
[5] You stitch your mouth tightly shut. It barely even hurts, and Paul is happy that you would do such a thing on his behalf... Just look how happy he is:
(http://i.imgur.com/BkvkUz2.png)
SELL PINEAPPLE TO DOWN ON HIS LUCK CHILDISH OPTOMISTIC SPONGE
Let me show you the pineapple trick. Does anybody have a yo-yo?
Hands Derm a yo-yo.
((I presume you've read Prequel?))
Yes.
WHATS THIS PREQUEL!?
I haven't read it, you'll have to tell me what this trick involves before I can make it happen...
[1] One of Paul's spines dig under your finger nails and you drop him back on the table. Spongefred doesn't want anything to do with a fruit this dangerous!
Eat the pineapple for shits and giggles (And for potential destructive consequences)
[2] You can't bring yourself to eat poor Paul, just look at him, why would you want to hurt him?
(http://i.imgur.com/BkvkUz2.png)
EAT PAUL FIRST
[6] You are the first to take a big bite out of Paul. He is very disappointed in you, and now you have pineapple spines in your mouth.
(http://i.imgur.com/phBCzFV.png)
EAT PAUL FIRST
sock this sucker in the jaw. Break it so he can't chew.
[2] You stumble and fall on your face, but Paul appreciates the effort
(http://i.imgur.com/9DDwfWo.png)
Stab Nunzillor! Begin using all my money to build defenses for Paul.
[2] Alas, you cannot find Paul or your knife. He looks so much different than last time you saw him, but he still appreciates the thought
(http://i.imgur.com/BcOiF67.png)
Grab Paul and run.
[2] You stumble and are unable to save poor Paul. He takes notice of your attempt though.
(http://i.imgur.com/BcOiF67.png)
Put Paul in a steel box to stop people from eating him.
[5] You seal Paul in a steel box to keep him safe from harm. Nobody will eat Paul while you are around, NOBODY!
Purchase a blender.
[2] You walked into a Pizzeria instead of a blender shop. Curses.
SO HUNGRY MUST EAT
[2] OK, YOU TRY TO EAT SOME PIZZA YOUR BUDDY XANTALOS BROUGHT BUT IT'S TOO HOT
Stitch what remains of Paul back together.
[6] You accidentally repair him so well that there's not more of Paul than you remember. Paul does not disapprove of this development.
(http://i.imgur.com/rfquyvb.png)
Destroy the game by detonating a convenient nearby nuclear bomb.
[5] You blow up the game. Game's over guys, ATHATH decided to break the world.
The Pineapple Trick. (http://www.prequeladventure.com/quill-weave-take-control-of-the-situation/)
Or, well, the first time we see peoples reaction to it. It's a bit of a read.
Ok then...
[4] You successfully shove the Paul into unmentionable places. Paul doesn't like it there.
(http://i.imgur.com/uLovt60.png)
Turn Paul into an undying, indigestible pineapple-shaped eldritch horror.
[4] You successfully turn Paul into a horrific abomination of nature. Look how much fun he's having:
(http://i.imgur.com/FsPaAbZ.png)
Turn Paul into an undying, indigestible pineapple lich.
EXPLODE THIS GUY BEFORE HE DOES IT
WE ALREADY WENT THROUGH YAFB ONCE
[5] You jump back in time and stop Paul from becoming a horrific lich monster. He still smells funny though. Paul appreciates not being monstrous anymore.
(http://i.imgur.com/ewqq45i.png)
Defend the pineapple from eating.
WE ALREADY WENT THROUGH YAFB ONCE
?
[2] You can't find Paul! Where could he have gone? He couldn't be in that metal box, certainly not!
JUST GET MY ENLARGEO RAY AND BLAST IT TO HOUSE SIZE
[6] You turn Paul bigger than a house, he is now the size of a mountain. He seems to be having fun, but wanton destruction is be inevitable at this size. A shame, Galgaria seemed like such a nice place.
(http://i.imgur.com/Lq1ugQS.png)
Worship Paul and inspire others to do the same.
[3] You create the Church of Paul and convince some people to join, but others are skeptical. Paul doesn't notice because he's so huge, but he would probably be happy with having more friends.
(http://i.imgur.com/Lq1ugQS.png)
ponder why the GM said the game ended when it clearly hasn't while worshipping our great lord and savior Paul
[3] You successfully ponder about it and come to the conclusion that it was one of three things:
1) We're in an alternate timeline where the nuke wasn't blown up/we reloaded a save without the nuke
2) The nuke did go off and we're all now having the same dying dream in our final moments, which seem to be stretching on
3) The GM doesn't want the game to end but also doesn't want to tell people they can't do things, so willfully ignores technicalities like "the game ending" or "Paul being dead" if the dice decide not to cooperate by failing actions that would be potentially game-ending
Alas, you cannot come to a solid conclusion on which is correct, or maybe all three are correct somehow, or maybe no definite answer exists, but you're sure some sort of answer exists.
Worship Paul and inspire others to do the same.
Assist in this man's efforts by constructing an evil fortress a temple or similar place of worship.
[3] It's not very big, but it serves it's purpose. Paul has taken notice of the Church of Paul now, and seems very pleased.
(http://i.imgur.com/ewCut2R.png)
One of the macdaddys of minimalist RTDs. It was glorious, yet cataclysmic.
Also I'm too busy for one right now and I don't really wanna.
Thanks
NOW USE MY REAL ESTATE KNOWLAGE TO SELL THE GIANT PINEAPPLE AS A HOUSE FOR MILLIONS FOR A CERTAIN YELLOW VERY POPULAR CARTOON SPONGE
[1] You accidentally sell Spongefred a regular house next to Paul. They become friends. Spongefred's boss doesn't pay him much, so you only get two buttons and a quarter for your trouble.
(http://i.imgur.com/Ry7SZ3K.png)
CRAM PINEAPPLE DOWN HEAD ORIFICE
[2] You can't manage to get past the foul smell to eat giant Paul. On the bright side, you think that pizza has cooled down a little now.
Found The Church of Paul and defend him from the heretics!
[1] The Church of Paul already exists and they don't like you trying to steal their brand. Still, they can't deny more people defending their lord and savior Paul the Pineapple from people trying to eat him and/or sell him to sponges as housing. Paul also sneezes on you, covering you in acidic pineapple goo. It kinda burns. Ow.
Build a factory that produces - through mysterious and vaguely explained means - mechanical Inquisitors followers for Paul, whose sole purpose is to purge the heretics spread awareness of his glory.
[5] You forge a mighty manufactory which builds robots/templars that hunt down and eliminate those who would hurt the mighty Paul.
(http://i.imgur.com/XJaToHA.png)
OK, SELL PAUL THE PINEAPPLE AS A NEW BASE ABOVEGROUND FOR XANTALOS YDTH-KLVAK(SEARCH ELDRITCH THEME SONG)
[2] You can't get a contract with those eldritch horrors, for some reason they don't want to make pacts with mortals anymore, something about being double-crossed too many times...
Build myself a house next to Paul, so that I might bask in His divine joy.
[3] Well, in a loose definition of "house" you have a house next to him... though it looks more like a hollow pile of sticks...
(http://i.imgur.com/LGdOctH.png)
become one with paul
[4] You give Paul a big hug and are absorbed into his essence. The acidic pineapple juice dissolves your body and your mind merges with Paul's. He's happy to be closer to you
(http://i.imgur.com/LGdOctH.png)
Calmly and politely ask Paul to take a bath, as he is stinking up the place and the high pope of Paulism is coming today
[1] You are unable to ask Paul to take a bath, in fact when you get close a bunch of stink gets onto you, and now everyone thinks your the one that's stinking up the place.
Use my psychic powers to turn Paul into the God-Emperor of Pineapplekind because I really want to see a pineapple that kinda looks like Jesus in ludicrously ornate gold armour.
[3] Well, you get him in a romanesque costume at least...
(http://i.imgur.com/qSFe8w0.png)
Shove Paul.
[2] His immense size intimidates you and you decide not to shove him like a big jerk.
Worship and praise the great Paul to grant him godlike powers
[3] Praise be to Paul, and his average giant pineapple powers!
Build a wall around our lord and savior Paul.
[4] You build that wall and build it strong. If anyone wants to get at him they'll have to get through there to do it.
(http://i.imgur.com/cJZMv4H.png)
Start a Bananna Cult to fight the Pineapple Cultists!
[1] Why would anyone worship bananas? That's just silly, everyone is laughing at your silliness. Right, Paul the Pineapple?
(http://i.imgur.com/cJZMv4H.png)
Hire Apples to protect Paul.
[4] You hire some apple bodyguards for Paul. Not that he needed them, but he's always glad to have more friends.
(http://i.imgur.com/quRTOv4.png)
THIS HEARSY WILL GO NO FURTHER, GO UP TO MY INQUSITORIAL BLACK SHIP, SINCE I AM A W40K INQUISITOR!!!!!
[4] You go up to your black ship. Yep, that lovely black pirate ship you sailed across the skies to get here on.
(http://i.imgur.com/8j4uODa.png)
Build an alter to Paul and worship with 4mask to give him PINEAPPLE POWER!
[4] You worship Paul with all your might and Paul gains PINEAPPLE POWER! ALL THE POWER OF PINEAPPLES IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND! HOW COULD HE HANDLE THIS MUCH EXCITEMENT?!?!?!?
(http://i.imgur.com/8j4uODa.png)
Eat Paul's mind
[4] Your psychic devouring ability allows you to overtake Paul's mind and use his nonmoving body as your own. You feel uneasy as if he is still there, watching from inside you.
Add increasingly common things to the list of what counts as heresy, so that even Paul himself is considered a heretic.
[1] You add things to the list, then become aware that you have just made yourself a heretic on accident. You jail yourself in shame.
Fine. I Start a Potato Religion and try to convert nearby Villages/Towns/Wizards.
[4] You create a religion based on the king of earthen starch: the potato and get some people to join you
(http://i.imgur.com/Q8ITDSj.png)
Go out and convert people to the worship of the great Paul
[4] Many join hands to worship the great Paul. Yay!
(http://i.imgur.com/9AFlaQC.png)
But that was going to be my big reveal...
Throw the jail in jail for heresy.
[2] Alas, you cannot fit the jail into itself. Unfortunately reality doesn't feel like bending that way for you today.
(http://i.imgur.com/W48vKdL.png)
Remove Generally me's control over Paul. Our great lord must be free!
[4] You use your PSYCHIC POWERS to force Gen. Me's mind out of Paul's mind. Paul is in control of his nonmovingness again, and Generally Me is now a ghost floating without a body.
NOW GO INTO SPACE INTO MY INQUISITORIAL BLACK SHIP (http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Inquisitorial_Black_Ship)
IT WORKS
[3] You take your black pirate ship giant fancy dildo INQUISITORIAL BLACK SHIP into the outer ozone. You forgot to close the air vents, so it's probably best you don't take it out into space just yet.
Corrupt Pauls mind so he hates everyone(except for me if that's possible).
[3] Paul doesn't have a hateful bone in his body (or any bones for that matter), but you give him one. He now has a strange dislike for most of the people around here, but he doesn't hate them so much as get uncomfortable when they bunch up around him. He also thinks you're kind of a dick for trying to take over his brain.
(http://i.imgur.com/Hh1Ymxm.png)
Buy perfume and give it to Paul
.
[5] Paul loves this perfume and uses it to cover up his foul smell. Works like a charm.
(http://i.imgur.com/OHYelEQ.png)
Mandate construction of a larger jail around this jail.
[1] You accidentally mandate a smaller jail within the current jail instead. Whoops.
(http://i.imgur.com/SRYTihM.png)
Instruct Paul's worshipers to worship him from a distance so as to not cause discomfort in the great one
[1] You misspeak and they get as close to Paul as possible. Paul feels uncomfortable with this development
(http://i.imgur.com/4ZiDV1c.png)
BECOME BLACK HOLE. EAT EVERYTHING.
[3] You become a gray hole. You can't really do anything, but you're visible now.
(http://i.imgur.com/VIbW9u2.png)
Set everything on fire. Including fire.
[6] You manage to set all the things on fire. All of them. Even the ones that you probably didn't want on fire.
(http://i.imgur.com/wW7Mcxt.png)
(I'm bad at drawing fire)
(http://i.imgur.com/xep5JOY.png)
Use my psychic powers to give Paul legs that his divine presence may favour me.
[6] He already has legs, they are hidden by the wall, but you give him an extra pair of legs. Paul's not sure what to think of it.
(http://i.imgur.com/ULyOTtI.png)
Use interpretive dance to confuse Paul so much he becomes mad
[5] Paul is enraged by how bad your dancing is. Move over, let Paul show you how it's done with his new double legs:
(http://i.imgur.com/IELAD0X.png)
Dig a tunnel in the Wall of Paul right next to my house, so I can visit Paul whenever I like.
Order a vege pizza for him. Make sure it doesn't have any pineapple on it.
[4] You dig a tunnel right next to Paul, but he's covering it up in the picture with his leg. The pizza is delicious, and larger than a person. Paul is willing to share if anyone wants some.
(http://i.imgur.com/qoRTRxe.png)
Grab some pizza and trap Generally me Ghostbusters style.
[2] You're not really feeling hungry right now and your ghost vacuum doesn't seem to be working. Dammit, should've got the extended warranty!
SEAL THE STUPID AIR-VENTS AND FIND OUT WHERE MY CREW IS AT
[2] This old imperial ship seems to have gotten a little rusty. You try to force the vents shut for so long before giving up that you don't have time to look for your crew.
Just wait until my sentence has been served.
[5] You wait so good that they let you out early for good behavior. "They" of course meaning you since it's your prison...
Ask Paul if he wants the bad bone removed. I'm a surgeon, yknow.
[4] You ask Paul if he'd like you to get the bone out of his side, and he accepts.
Grab some pizza and trap Generally me Ghostbusters style.
Use interprative dance to convey my dismay at this while dancing away... Majestically
[3] You do a little jig and dodge away from the dodgy capture device... dodgily...
Give Paul an army of small Pauls
[4] You summon an army of smaller Pauls to protect Paul. Glory to the Paul army!
(http://i.imgur.com/jaJA63V.png)
Teach Paul how to play Yu-gi-oh.
[1] You try to explain the rules of the game but you can't keep him from peeking at his deck. Stupid "heart of the cards".
Eat a slice of pizza. Relax in my house and watch the madness.
[6] You accidentally eat two slices of pizza the size of your torso and get a stomach ache from eating too much. You can't even enjoy the madness going on around you. :(
Tinker with and activate it. Then flag down the ship.
[2] You can't seem to get it working. The ship doesn't respond to your flagging.
Put barbed wire around the Wall of Paul
[1] You accidentally get tangled up in the barbed wire, it rips your flesh apart. Ouch.
GET THOSE VENTS SHUT AND FIND THE CREW
[1] Whoops, you accidentally opened the further. You notice the crew on the ground worshipping Paul. Son of a-
Convince Paul that he needs to unleash his latent power and become the Emperor or else the Inquisition will come and burn us all.
[1] Paul thinks you're crazy, there's no Inquisition here and he certainly doesn't need to become Emperor, it's just a title after all
Steal "The Froggy Ninja's" Kidney. then offer it to Paul to say sorry for being a douche.
[4] Your ghostly hands can't actually steal anything from physical people, but you still apologize to Paul, and he accepts your apology.
Begin the surgery on Paul with the best anesthetic known to man and pineapple kind. Heroin. This for pul, to note.
[4] You perform surgery to remove Paul's bad bone. He's not freaking out at people anymore, but he has an extra stitch from where you removed the bone.
(http://i.imgur.com/8et2rtT.png)
Convince Paul that he needs to unleash his latent power and become the Emperor or else the Inquisition will come and burn us all.
Assist by burning everything.
[5] There wasn't any burning until you got there and most of the burnable stuff is already gone from the last time someone tried to burn everything... But you still spread fire everywhere anyway.
(http://i.imgur.com/K5ep1qf.png)
(http://i.imgur.com/tujNpve.png)
Convince Paul that he needs to unleash his latent power and become the Emperor or else the Inquisition will come and burn us all.
HERESY!!!!!!
Arrest this man for shouting the word 'Heresy' too loud!
[5] You jump up through one of the open air vents in his flying dildo and arrest him. Poketwo is now in jail for disturbing the peace.
Give Paul a laptop filled to the brim with lots of weird pineapple porn.
[2] You just can't part with your precious pineapple porn.
Free Poketwo from jail using a toothbrush and a chainsaw
[5] With deft maneuvering and clever sneaking you free Poketwo from his literal prison. You skip off together into the sunset.
USE AN NEARBY ASTROPATH TO CALL THE LOCAL SUB-SECTOR GOVERNOR AND ORDER HIM TO ASSEMBLE THE NEAREST IMPERIAL GUARD REGIMENTS TO FREE ME FROM THE HERETICAL PLANET'S CUSTODY
[6] You already did that remember? They sent a guy with a toothbrush to get you out. Maybe if you didn't yell at them all the time over the radio they would have put more effort into it.
Grease up the dildo vents with pizza oil.
[3] You lube up the vents in Poketwo's giant flying dildo with the grease from the pizza. It doesn't cover everything, but you got the important parts.
Fire my pineapple laser at the jail poketwo's in.
[6] You fire at the jail Poketwo is currently being freed from. You spent just a few seconds too long charging it and fire too late. The jail is turned into a smoking crater with bits of jagged metal sticking out and Poketwo is still free.
(http://i.imgur.com/IMclgKf.png)
Co-exist in Pauls body to be closer to him.
[4] You now live in one of Paul's leaves. It's more comfortable than it looks.
Tell Paul that one of the human Emperor's men imprisoned here has called for the Imperial Guard to come free him and destroy us all!
[1] Paul insists there is no human Emperor, humanity hasn't had an empire in Galgaria for over two centuries. Most humans live in small villages nowadays, much like the one you're in now.
OK, ORDER MY INQUISITORIAL FLEET I HAVE PARKED AROUND THIS STAR SYSTEM'S FIRST GAS GIANT TO GO AND PICK ME UP AND THIS Magnumcannon CHARACTER.
[4] You call in the fleet you haven't mentioned until now and they take you away from this crazy place. You and Magnumcannon, leaving your flying dildo behind.
Intercept poketwo's message and change it to say that the emperor sucks and Paul's much better than him.
[3] You altered the message, but only got the part about the emperor sucking in. They're being carried offworld in a prison cell, but only to be tried as blasphemers, not heretics.
BURN THE HEATHENS! WITH LEFTOVER PIZZA GREASE!
[3] You pour leftover pizza grease onto the heathens! Alas, the grease was only lukewarm so now they are just covered in oily goo... ((Which heathens? The ones to Paul or to the Emperor?))
Take over Luaps mind and body
[6] You take over his mind and body. He is still a regular sized pineapple and you feel corruption from his mind creep into your thoughts. Your only drive is to punch Paul in his smug face, or take action that would enable said outcome.
DO IT AGAIN!
[4] You poison the well and get more potato cultists. Nobody drinks from the well since several people already died from the water, but you poison it anyway!
Overthrow Paul, There should be no rulers making up rules.
[3] Woo, anarchy! Wait, why isn't everyone else cheering? Oh, Paul never made any rules apart from not to eat him and never claimed to be leader... well then...
Tell Paul about Luap and that the only way to fight him is to raise an army and send them off to fight in his name, seeing as Paul himself can't fight Luap without blowing up the planet. Tell him that it's also suspected that Luap was created by someone secretly working for or part of the Alpha Legion. Even if the Emperor isn't a threat, the force of evil that he fights against is.
[4] Paul understands and is ready to begin mustering his army for the ultimate fight of good vs evil, or rather pineapple vs antipineapple. Now he just needs to convince someone to bring him an army because he can't move from this spot, partially due to his size, but also due to all this stuff piled up around his feet.
Summon a swarm of snowy owls to protect Paul and keep the order
[4] You bring forth the snowy owls of justice to protect the mighty Paul!
(http://i.imgur.com/wjDSWV0.png)
Strangle Mister CURIOUSBEAST_EATER with a USB cord before he can upset Paul.
[6] You strangle him in the middle of the street for trying to usurp Paul's position of power. CURIOUSBEAST_EATER is now a ghost and you are arrested for murder. There's no jail so you're sentenced to a public beating.
Shrink Paul to normal size.
[6] You shrink Paul down to normal size, and all the ashes that were sitting on his head fall onto your head. You're now covered in ashes and choking to death.
(http://i.imgur.com/9VzwzHL.png)
Shrink Paul to normal size.
"Shrinking him to Emperor size would be better."
"Paul, you might not be able to summon army but you can create them using your latent psychic might. I will try to unlock it with my own powers." Unlock Paul's latent Emperor powers with my mind.
[1] While trying to focus your psychic powers you accidentally blow up your own head. Whoops.
spawn an army of evil pears
[6] They are too evil, they attempt to eat your new Antipineapple body because they know nothing of loyalty or fear.
Appeal to Paul for forgiveness. I was only trying to help, after all!
Bribe him with pizza if necessary.
((Dammit, why do you never close your stuff? This whole page would be bold and 4 pt font if I hadn't fixed it >.<))
[1] You are unable to ask forgiveness because you are choking on pizza. Paul would issue the Heimlich, but he doesn't want to impale your lungs with his spines...
Defend myself from accusations That I am a Blasphemer by pointing out the shear warping of reality part of quite a few characters that I found on the planet. Demonstrate it by showing off Magnumcannon as having Reality-Warping powers.
[1] Your attempts at defending yourself only implicate you. Nobody is surprised that Magnumcannon got you out of that jail, your cell was made entirely out of bamboo and plaque according to their analysis. They didn't think you were a heretic believing in false gods, but they do now.
Respawn and if possible, say this is based on a misunderstanding.
[6] You attempt to reincarnate and come back as a bug. You are immediately crushed under someone's boot.
Begin a recruitment drive for Paul's army and sign up for it myself to win back the respect of the people.
[6] Everyone sees you sign up for your own army which you say is going toward helping Paul. The local peace advocates arrest you for war mongering.
(Paul)
Set fire to the now more flammable heathens!
[1] You fail to set fire to the heathens, but they all seem very warm to you now that you've frozen yourself.
Use my long-ranged mind powers to change the background color to blue
[5] You successfully turn the background color red-blue, also known as purple
(http://i.imgur.com/e2KHE03.png)
Burn down some Houses!
[1] You can't set fire to the houses because you fell in a river and are drowning.
((Those rolls aren't loaded, it's just been that kind of day))
Eat Paul.
[6] You're still choking on ashes, but you take the initiative and try to eat Paul. You forgot to peel his rind off and get a mouthful of spines and a broken jaw. None of that really matters though because the pineapple juice makes the ashes into a paste that cuts off your airway, and you suffocate. Paul is also very disappointed in you for trying to eat him.
Summon a sapient lemon, named Jim, to steal Paul's followers.
[1] You can't summon Jim, but you do summon a dire wolf which then eats you.
Make the background an intelligent being!
[4] You successfully turn the background into a character. Her name is Sally.
(http://i.imgur.com/zr3D5Fu.png)
Refer to his summoning of snowy owls. And of how I got captured in the first place.
[5] They're totally buying it, they had no idea there were owls, the most magical of animals... Although your capture was rather mundane, you just didn't close the vents on your ship and that's not their fault.
((Huh, I always thought quote brackets closed any formatting inside them. :o Sorry about that!))
Thrash about like an epileptic jellyfish. Try to cry out for assistance. Surely one of Paul's many followers will help me?!
[3] You thrash with all your might and manage to stop choking and get free of the spines. It sure would be nice if you got help, but nobody seems to be taking initiative.
Respawn as Paul
[1] You pop up inside instead of in a copy of Paul and your mind is absorbed into his. On the bright side, his psychic powers seem to be coming along...
Begin carving a spoon into a makeshift knife
[2] Wait, a spoon into a knife? Dammit, you just carved a knife into a spoon...
Respawn..... again
[3] You successfully regain a mortal coil instead of just learning to enjoy you ethereal presence. You respawn as yourself when you were six years old.
Pray for the Great Potato to save me, Or get my Cultists to help me out.
[5] They come to the river and fish you out. They manage to clear the water out of your lungs and resuscitate you. They also teach you how to swim so this won't happen again.
Clean up the entire screen, no robots, no spongebobs, no cult of Paul, no nothing!
Make everything as it was in the first page!
GENESIS!
[3] You succeed... well, almost. We're back to right after Paul got giant...
(http://i.imgur.com/Lq1ugQS.png)
Lure the pears to Paul
[6] The pears follow you through the time space continuum back to Paul. They see how cool Paul looks with his scars and huge size and run in fear, dragging your now once again ghostly personage with them into the ethereal wilds.
Order the fleet to bombard an area 100 miles wide surrounding Paul. And also bombard Paul while they are at it
[5] They carpet bomb Paul and the region around, of course they don't destroy much because there's not much there, but Paul gets blasted. He's very sad about it, and would much rather you not have done that.
(http://i.imgur.com/phBCzFV.png)
Make Sally strangle Paul
[2] She has a lot of trouble with that since she doesn't exist anymore.
Build a Shrine to the Great Potato and start up a Potato Farm! Preferably FAR, FAR, FAR away from the Church of Paul. Also, Pray for a Potato related Miracle to aid me.
[2] The potato cult fails to traverse time and space to follow the story, so they become irrelevant.
Invoke Azhamoth, Lord of Power, and kick through the prison wall to the outside. Then run the hell away from the prison.
[3] You invoke the power of Azhamoth to free you! But he doesn't feel like it so he sends his intern Greg with a toothbrush and a chainsaw to get you out. But Greg gets called out early, so though you're now free from your cell you're still trapped within the confines of the prison.
Make a big adamantine statue that somehow relates to Paul or something Paul did.
[3] You make a large statue that looks like that time Paul sat there and did nothing for five turns. Ok, so you got lazy and just built a giant chair, but it's not your fault Paul's never done anything memorable but eat ghosts and smile...
Clean up the entire screen, no robots, no spongebobs, no cult of Paul, no nothing!
Make everything as it was in the first page!
GENESIS!
If I still have my USB cord, strangle this guy with it before he can get up to any mischief.
If I don't, well, strangle him with my bare hands. Wait, no, my bear hands. Rawwr.
[6] You retroactively kill him before he pulled the reset with your last breathe. Strangle is dead, and you are dead too because you choked to death. Your bear hands also cause you to be ostracized by the ghost community. The statue miraculously makes it back through the paradoxical warp.
(http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/057/5/a/bear_hands_by_tashawinnie-d786428.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/hihnNez.png)
"Aw great. C'mon!"
Grab Doc Brown, jump into the nearest taxi and speed off to consult the Oracle!
[2] You can't seem to hail a taxi, possibly because there are no roads.
Kill the none believers!
[3] YES! YOU WILL KILL ALL THE NONE BELIEVERS! NO NIHILISTS WILL BE ALLOWED IN THIS TOWN, NO SIREE! Of course there aren't many of those to begin with and you have to let some of them run off to warn the others.
TIME TRAVEL AND PREVENT MY DEATH
[4] You leap back in time and use your powers as a poltergeist to distract the executioner before he kills you so you can slip away. There is now a ghost you and a living you who is a fugitive of the Inquisition.
Turn my spoon into a greatsword
[1] Dammit, you turned your greatsword into a spoon instead, now you have two spoons and no weapons.
Erase Paul from Metaphysical Reality.
And I am also dead, so no one else can stop me from doing so!
MWAHAHAHAHHAA! WHERE IS YOUR PINEAPPLE NOW
[2] You can't, because you're not a god. Just a dead ghost. You know, as opposed to a living ghost.
Combine Paul and Doc Brown into Doc Paul.
[4] BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED, I AM DOC PAUL!
(http://i.imgur.com/EYzIfWd.png)
Become Sl4cker
[5] You are Sl4cker, and Sl4cker is you. He'll take all the backlash for you and he can't do jack to stop it. You know, unless he takes some kind of action against it.
Declare Myself a God and use stealthily drugged free soda and strategically placed Fireworks to prove it!
[5] You are now a self-proclaimed god. It doesn't come with any bonuses but if you really want to make a cult for yourself based on drugged kool-aid soda and emerald cities fireworks, go ahead
GO BACK IN TIME TO WHEN THAT OTHER INQUISTITOR ORDERD MY EXICUTION, AND POINT OUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT THAT WILL CONVINCE PEOPLE OF CHAOS INVOLVEMENT:
HOW THE FUCK IS A PINEAPPLE SENTIENT
((Wait, is this your living self or ghost self?))
[4] You shout at them that the pineapple is sentient and suddenly they feel a bit more lenient. They will hold off your execution until they've investigated the matter. They observe from afar and don't see much, just a bunch of loonies dancing around a pineapple.
Realize I am actually a ninja as well as being Generally me, Luaps and Sl4cker proceed to ninja things.
[1] You realize that you are very much not a ninja and fall flat on your face. The weight of your body breaks your neck and you die, despite being an antipineapple that should technically have no neck. Now you're a ghost and Sl4cker is a ghost's ghost
Jump on a convenient motorcycle and go to consult the Oracle!
[5] You ride off in style and ask the oracle for directions, she says:
"To solve this problem and fix space-time, you must go back to the place it began and do what must be done: finish eating that pineapple before it got turned into a stitched up monster"
Realize I am actually a ninja as well as being Generally me, Luaps and Sl4cker proceed to ninja things.
Ghostly ninja things
[1] So ghostly you don't even exist. Sl4cker has succumbed to the urge to move on from this mortal plane and has gone off to the afterlife. See ya, suckers!
i poses Paul
[4] You use a ghostly puppet network to move Paul's arms into a humorous position.
Mix a stoneskin potion specifically designed for the consumption of pineapples.
[2] You accidentally mess up the proportions and end up just having some muddy water
==>PUNCH LUAP IN SNOUT TO ESTABLISH SUPERIORITY
[6] Well, he's dead, but you sock his corpse good. His alkali juice gets all over your hand and causes it to start bubbling and explode. Ouch. You're still alive, just... disarmed...
Grow 2000 more pineapples.
[4] You grow 2000 pineapples identical to Paul. Wait, where did Paul go?
(http://www.shanewasik.com/communities/5/004/006/952/975/images/4540604112.swf)
I become Paul's guardian spirit.
[1] You can't become Paul's guardian spirit because you have lost your will. You move on to the afterlife. Or in your case, the after-after-after-after-after-after-after-after-after-afterlife.
Lock this thread
[4] You did it! Congrats! You locked this piece of thread you found on the ground:
(http://i.imgur.com/YaaVgMy.png)
Lock this thread
Assist
[2] Your hand slipped and you couldn't help him lock up that thread
Jump on a convenient motorcycle and go to consult the Oracle!
[5] You ride off in style and ask the oracle for directions, she says:
"To solve this problem and fix space-time, you must go back to the place it began and do what must be done: finish eating that pineapple before it got turned into a stitched up monster"
GASP
"But... but... but Paul's a cool guy! He's actually really nice! None of this stuff was his fault! Well... not directly... kinda..."
>Ask the Oracle just how, if I were to hypothetically try and travel through time to complete this plan, would I do so?
[3] "You would try, but you would come up short. Best leave it to the professional pineapple eaters."
Increase the happiness of the berry people since the strawberry queen seems to be anti-utilitarianism.
[4] Paul is confused as to why the Berry people would hate them, the berry people don't even know he exists. Well, he certainly hopes they don't know he exists, those guys have some hardcore military power.
GO BACK IN TIME EVEN FUTHER TO INVESTIGATE THE OTHER INQUISITOR'S POSSIBLE HERESY
[4] You go back in time and find that he was fighting a chaos beast and got infested, now he is working to bring down the order from within. Of course, getting anyone to believe you will take some doing since you are already a known agent of the chaos. Also, you're a ghost, that will also make it harder.
Fine, Paul! If you don't wanna see me, I'll just go see another pineapple! With Blackjack and Hookers!
[5] Yeah, all the blackjack and hookers. Not just pineapple hookers, because that would be weird. You get a new Pineapple who's name is Pual, and he's WAY better than Paul! His face is drawn in dry-erase marker, not sharpie! Much better!
"Oh Great Paul! The Berry People doubt your divinity! Rain fire on these heretics! Purge the unbelievers!"
[6] Yeah! You'll bombard them with fire! Take that, water-based fruit peoples! Oh No! Now they're raisin people! It's worse than night of the living dead in here!
Hmm, Become a Mighty Wizard to prove my Divinity!
[6] You become the mightiest Wizard, don your robe and wizard hat, and are burned at the stake for witchcraft. Stupid inquisition, and their witch-burning ways.
become JEFFIROTH (JEFFIROTH)
[2] You fail to become Jeffiroth, you are just the same sad person you were before. Only more sad now that you have failed to become JEFFIROTH.
Go back in time again and see if paul ever actualy talked
[2] Dammit, where you put the keys to the time rift again?
Damnit!
Walk in the direction of the nearest town. Steal the first vehicle I come across.
Edit: Try my best to ignore any invisible voices. Unless it's the Oracle or something, I guess.
[4] You walk calmly into town and hop into a car, luckily they left the keys on the dashboard so now you have some transport. Invisible voices, what voices?
Damnit!
Walk in the direction of the nearest town. Steal the first vehicle I come across.
"I recommend that if I fail at finding out if the pineapple is actually sentient and fail at plan b, I suggest you help me make sure my transaction with spongefred goes as planed."
[2] You can't seem to get through to him. Dammit, of all the times for your psychic powers to go on the fritz.
Kill Sl4cker
Start a debating club
[6] You start a debating club, but in a heated argument you get your jaw broken by your opponent. No more talking for you.
((I bet you don't know who Jeffiroth (JEFFIROTH!) is))
Give up and say it doesn't matter and he probably never read that one book.
[4] Jeffiroth understands, you were probably talking about one of those fanfics people write about him all the time. He jsut doesn't have time in the day to read through them all. He apologizes.
Seduce the Strawberry Queen with some poetry and songs
[1] Whoops, a little off key. And there goes your head... Tough crowd...
If I am aloud to join in then
I grab thine chain sword and charge of to find and stop the cult of paul
[1] You pull out a chain sword and it immediately bends around and stabs through you. Ouch.
Rebel against the title of the thread and eat the pineapple! The one with a face!
[5] You munch down the pineapple and pull the stitches back out of your mouth. Paul is very disappointed in you.
(http://i.imgur.com/phBCzFV.png)
PAUL IS DEAD. GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.
((well, I'll let you keep playing if you want, but technically it's over legit now that he's been successfully eaten))