Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 16, 2012, 04:08:53 pm
Looking to learn how to write or to improve your writing skills?
Have the time to tutor an aspiring writer?
Welcome to the Writers Apprenticeship!
Have the time to tutor an aspiring writer?
Welcome to the Writers Apprenticeship!
Information stolen and modified from the Engravers Guild:
All of the following is to be modified at the will of the members:
___/Purpose\___
I am aware that there is already a writer's guild here, however it seems to be more geared towards already experienced writers, this is being created to help writers who are just beginning learn how to write and want improve or people who have never tried their hand at writing.
___/Guild Roster\___
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
___/How to Participate\___
* Write as much as possible, and post as much as possible. The key to learning how to be a good writer is practice, the more you write the better you get.
* Mentors should browse the posts and offer critique when people are asking for it as much as possible.
* Offer new links to add to the resource list...
___/Getting Critique\___
Do not take critique personally, it may seem like someone is attacking you, but if they are doing their job right, they're just trying to help you.
___/Giving Critique\___
Constructive Criticism Only. I do not care if the person writing sounds like a seven-year old girl on a sugar high writing a Twilight fanfic. Your criticism will be constructive. No slamming, no attacking. Remember, while I don't necessarily expect you to be nice, I expect you to be helpful.
___/Resources\___
http://www.writingexcuses.com/ <- A podcast by genre writers who are all published. There's a lot of good material here, and while there is material you may not need, you're allowed to skip around to what you need. They always give a writing prompt at the end of each podcast.
http://coyotecult.com/communities/sfandf_critters/references/limyaael.php <- Limyaael's fantasy advice rants. There is a wealth of knowledge in here based on one of the pickiest readers in the fantasy genre. She has her own tastes, and those may not be your own tastes, but her perspective can improve critical thought.
http://writeordie.com/#Web+App
Write Or Die is a webapp (though it's available on other platforms for a price) that checks to make sure it is receiving input in a specified amount of time. Keep typing until you're done, and you're good. Stop typing, and it will start to alert you to the fact that you've stopped. You can set it to different alarms.
http://editminion.com/
Editminion is a webapp that goes over your stories for the most common problems editors face. HOWEVER it is not always right. Its best use is to highlight things that might be problems, but you should always use your own discretion as to whether it has found a real problem or not.
How NOT To Write A Novel; quite simply a book on things you should definitely not do while writing, by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman.
Behold, the Turkey City Lexicon (http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/)
Consider it a document specifically about science fiction tropes, cliches and bad habits that can be applied to many fiction genres with a little extra thinking. It's a great read all around and a good place to bounce story ideas off of.
Becoming a Writer (http://www.novel-writing-help.com/how-to-become-a-writer.html)
Climbing the stairs on the road to writing.
> Grammar errors? I say nay! (http://www.dailywritingtips.com/7-grammatical-errors-that-aren%E2%80%99t/)
This shows common beliefs on grammar broken down by the hard facts of a writer's world.
Writer's Block, need pushing (http://www.dailywritingtips.com/using-writing-bursts-to-generate-ideas-and-enthusiasm/)
Some tips on what you can do when you can't think of what to write, a bit opinionated though.
"I can write!" (http://www.novel-writing-help.com/writing-voice.html)
The page name is 'Finding your Writer's voice', the whole website is basically a treasure trove of information! This is a guide.
Local Member's Tips and Tricks:
Tiruin's tips on writing Fantasy: (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg2910354#msg2910354)
Tiruin's General Tips regarding Punctuation (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg2910681#msg2910681)
More Tiruin's Tips (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg2910720#msg2910720)
Supermikhail's Review on two sources, which have not been included in the general area yet because I'm not sure how to summarize them and haven't gotten a chance to look at yet. He gives a much better description than I could anyway. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg2940793#msg2940793)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on January 16, 2012, 04:22:00 pm
Post by: PokemonRocks85 on January 16, 2012, 04:32:21 pm
Post by: Pnx on January 16, 2012, 04:33:23 pm
Now I just need to actually get my act together and actually do some writing.
Post by: PokemonRocks85 on January 16, 2012, 04:36:21 pm
Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 16, 2012, 04:38:40 pm
I'll watch this. I'm quite good at writing(That's what my teacher told me, and I won 2 regional awards) but I'm having trouble with the fact that English isn't my first language, so my sentences end up way to long or complicated.If you could help mentor that would be much appreciated.
So write random things?Not exactly, you can if you want and submit it, but for those who have trouble coming up with ideas, writing prompts will be created. First one in a little bit.
Post by: Orangebottle on January 16, 2012, 04:42:26 pm
If someone needs help with it, have them contact me.
Post by: PokemonRocks85 on January 16, 2012, 04:46:34 pm
Post by: Orangebottle on January 16, 2012, 04:53:07 pm
Post by: PokemonRocks85 on January 16, 2012, 05:02:43 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 16, 2012, 05:34:58 pm
___/First Prompt\___
Write a short story of two adventurers questing into a dungeon to find the fabled Orb of Zot.
PR85 I will critique your other story when I have the time.
Also:Thanks for the offer Orangebottle!
Post by: PokemonRocks85 on January 16, 2012, 06:11:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: lordnincompoop on January 16, 2012, 06:15:05 pm
I'm not the best of writers, but I'm decent enough, and I'll offer feedback for anyone who wants it.
The quest to find ORB OF ZOT!!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Please, use paragraphs.
Post by: nenjin on January 16, 2012, 07:20:43 pm
Quote
Please, use paragraphs.
I second that. The first thing I look for in someone's writing style is paragraph size, or lack there of. Paragraphs help you group your ideas and helps the reader do the same. On the internet, paragraphs are part of getting people to read your work in the first place. Large blocks of unbroken text are murder on the eyes and most won't even bother to read it.
Just don't over do it. Otherwise you put out choppy sentences and that's almost as bad.
Post by: The Fool on January 16, 2012, 07:23:33 pm
The quest to find ORB OF ZOT!!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You might want to break this into paragraphs. When the sentences don't have anything to do with the start of the paragraph, start another. If you're unsure where to start another, just read it over until you find where things change subject.
You also start new paragraphs when you switch between speakers.
Spoiler: Example (click to show/hide)
It's alright if the paragraphs look short when you're switching between speakers. It's to make it easier for the reader to know whose speaking at all times.
Post by: JackoftheBox on January 16, 2012, 07:44:08 pm
Post by: nenjin on January 16, 2012, 08:04:28 pm
Quote
It's alright if the paragraphs look short when you're switching between speakers. It's to make it easier for the reader to know whose speaking at all times.
Yeah. Outside of dialog, a single sentence standing on its own signals to the reader that the line is supposed to have impact.
Consider:
The shaft pierced Dulon's chest and he fell to his knees, his hands clutching at the arrow. Through his agony he saw the line begin to falter, as his brothers in arms fell one by one to the axes' of his foes. He thought of his city burning, his people scattered to the winds and the throne of his King smashed into a thousand splinters. The pain of his death wound was nothing compared to the knowledge that he had failed.
On the fields of Peldror, Dulon died in shame.
Versus:
The sun was high in the clear blue sky.
The grasslands whispered as the wind passed over it.
He had been riding all day and night and he was tired.
There were many miles to go until he reached the capital city and he feared he would not reach it before nightfall.
He was afraid.
---
One is a distinct set of ideas wrapped in a paragraph. The other are isolated ideas floating out there. Is there meant to be symbolism there? Is it just being poetic? Paragraphs can help emphasize, or de-emphasize, what you write for the reader. Consider it kind of like a movie. Does a movie present a scene by showing you isolated elements, one at a time? Or does it present a scene holistically, where each element supports the next? Think of paragraphs the same way. Dialog is the same. When two people are talking, the favorite angle to use is the over shoulder angle, where each actor's face is shown while they're talking. (Most of the time, there are many stylistic ways to screw with it.) Dialog is the same way when written, where each line stands on its own just like a camera would show the face of a speaker in a movie.
Post by: lordnincompoop on January 16, 2012, 08:11:05 pm
Just don't over do it. Otherwise you put out choppy sentences and that's almost as bad.
Often, that's more indicative of the writer lacking flow and coherence than improper use of paragraph breaks.
Post by: Willfor on January 16, 2012, 08:19:45 pm
http://www.writingexcuses.com/ <- A podcast by genre writers who are all published. There's a lot of good material here, and while there is material you may not need, you're allowed to skip around to what you need. They always give a writing prompt at the end of each podcast.
http://coyotecult.com/communities/sfandf_critters/references/limyaael.php <- Limyaael's fantasy advice rants. There is a wealth of knowledge in here based on one of the pickiest readers in the fantasy genre. She has her own tastes, and those may not be your own tastes, but her perspective can improve critical thought.
http://writeordie.com/#Web+App && http://editminion.com/ :
Write Or Die is a webapp (though it's available on other platforms for a price) that checks to make sure it is receiving input in a specified amount of time. Keep typing until you're done, and you're good. Stop typing, and it will start to alert you to the fact that you've stopped. You can set it to different alarms.
Editminion is a webapp that goes over your stories for the most common problems editors face. HOWEVER it is not always right. Its best use is to highlight things that might be problems, but you should always use your own discretion as to whether it has found a real problem or not.
Post by: nenjin on January 16, 2012, 08:27:18 pm
Quote
Often, that's more indicative of the writer lacking flow and coherence than improper use of paragraph breaks.
Not necessarily. For web reporting, we were urged to break paragraphs down to sentences as much as possible for readability. One idea per complete sentence was their mantra. It's just a very direct style of writing.
It has applications for fiction writing too. If your sentences sit out there like that, they should be good sentences. If they're not great sentences, they should be wrapped into a paragraph that gives them context and allows other ideas to flow from them.
Post by: Pnx on January 16, 2012, 08:38:59 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I actually have to go sort some stuff out right now, so I'll try to get around to finishing this later.
Post by: UltraValican on January 16, 2012, 08:57:20 pm
I was the first to enter the dungeon.
My "master", a human priest who serves some weak god of knowledge, insisted I enter first.
The bastard wasn't two steps in this cursed place and he was already using me as a meat shield.
The dungeon smelled of blood, feces, and misery. My master urged me forward through a dark corridor that led into a rather large room. In the rooms, center rested a bright pink potion labeled: FRAGIO. I tried to pick it up, but my master promptly caned me away from the "treasure". After a few moments, my master shoved the potion into my hands and ordered me to drink. I knew the dangers of drinking unknown substances. There was no discussion. I quaffed the potion down. The cocktail itself was sweet tasting, too sweet. My stomach began to churn as I began to howl out in agony. I inadvertently dug my claws into my own stomach as I collapsed onto the ground. I howled out again in pain. My master looked on with cold piercing eyes. I vomited onto the floor, as I prepared to see my ancestors in the Great Beyond.
My master shushed me.
"Be quite you..."
Both of us could here laughter, sinister cruel laughing. Several humanoid creatures with bloody flesh red skin and the faces of dogs poured into the room. Each one held several sinister looking weapons in their hands, and a stupid look on their faces. My master began praying wildly, as the creatures surrounded us. I stared bleakly at the floor; the pain subsided, but I thought I could play dead.
Death. What a fool I was to think Death was the release I would receive. No. Earn.
Be it magic or divine intervention, every single dog faced creature dropped dead in pain. My master quickly produced some food and began to feast. After his meal, he beat my prone body about the head with a cane.
"You will die when I say die, Troll", He said. "Your little stunt just cost you meal time, now come."
I rose from the ground a shambled into the next corridor.
Okay how bad is it?
Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 16, 2012, 08:59:36 pm
The quest to find ORB OF ZOT!!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Everything I was going to say has pretty much already been said. Paragraphs are very important. A piece of advice that really helped me whenever I was first beginning was actually meant to be advice for essay writing. "Paint a picture with words" Consider this, when you are writing, what you are doing is taking an image in your mind and making it so that others can see it. This does not mean that you should overuse descriptive language, but rather that everything should flow and be bound together, a painting of a mountain does not look like a painting of a mountain if you randomly draw bits of a desert on it. Each sentence should transition into the next.
Another thing that might help is: Read over your work and edit before you declare it finished, this is probably the best thing for any writer to do.
Also: Thanks for contributing everybody, and thanks to Willfor for the links I'll add them to the OP as soon as I finish some other stuff.
Post by: The Fool on January 16, 2012, 10:39:57 pm
Spoiler: The Demon in the Dark (click to show/hide)
How was that?
Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 16, 2012, 11:06:15 pm
For now I would say that you have the opposite problem, too many paragraphs, there are at least three places where you could have just continued on that line instead of hitting the enter button.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I actually have to go sort some stuff out right now, so I'll try to get around to finishing this later.
Trying cause Im bored.
I was the first to enter the dungeon.
My "master", a human priest who serves some weak god of knowledge, insisted I enter first.
The bastard wasn't two steps in this cursed place and he was already using me as a meat shield.
The dungeon smelled of blood, feces, and misery. My master urged me forward through a dark corridor that led into a rather large room. In the rooms, center rested a bright pink potion labeled: FRAGIO. I tried to pick it up, but my master promptly caned me away from the "treasure". After a few moments, my master shoved the potion into my hands and ordered me to drink. I knew the dangers of drinking unknown substances. There was no discussion. I quaffed the potion down. The cocktail itself was sweet tasting, too sweet. My stomach began to churn as I began to howl out in agony. I inadvertently dug my claws into my own stomach as I collapsed onto the ground. I howled out again in pain. My master looked on with cold piercing eyes. I vomited onto the floor, as I prepared to see my ancestors in the Great Beyond.
My master shushed me.
"Be quite you..."
Both of us could here laughter, sinister cruel laughing. Several humanoid creatures with bloody flesh red skin and the faces of dogs poured into the room. Each one held several sinister looking weapons in their hands, and a stupid look on their faces. My master began praying wildly, as the creatures surrounded us. I stared bleakly at the floor; the pain subsided, but I thought I could play dead.
Death. What a fool I was to think Death was the release I would receive. No. Earn.
Be it magic or divine intervention, every single dog faced creature dropped dead in pain. My master quickly produced some food and began to feast. After his meal, he beat my prone body about the head with a cane.
"You will die when I say die, Troll", He said. "Your little stunt just cost you meal time, now come."
I rose from the ground a shambled into the next corridor.
Okay how bad is it?
Actually it was pretty good, the only thing that's blaringly noticeable at the moment is that you get a little repetitious at times.
It took a little while to write, but I like how it turned out. I might just turn this into a series of short stories, and write one for each prompt.Spoiler: The Demon in the Dark (click to show/hide)
How was that?
Hhhm, pretty good, you have pretty good characterization. Near the end it gets a little choppy though, a few fewer periods maybe.
Post by: Tiruin on January 16, 2012, 11:38:24 pm
Spoiler: Some general tips on Fiction writing (click to show/hide)
Will edit later, if anyone has questions then please post. Bay12 is a very helpful forum, from experience, so don't be afraid.
We don't bite.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on January 17, 2012, 12:43:13 am
Post by: nenjin on January 17, 2012, 04:43:36 am
Behold, the Turkey City Lexicon (http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/turkey-city-lexicon-a-primer-for-sf-workshops/)
Consider it a document specifically about science fiction tropes, cliches and bad habits that can be applied to many fiction genres with a little extra thinking. It's a great read all around and a good place to bounce story ideas off of.
Spoiler: For example, some of my favorites: (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on January 17, 2012, 05:22:41 am
When you write or type as is the case, your words would seem perfect in grammar and pronunciation in your mind as you hit those keys.
Writer, beware: every single punctuation mark, space and paragraph highlight those thoughts and help convey your meaning, without them your words will have less of a meaning.
We, humans, cannot read minds by the way :D .
Post by: kerlc on January 17, 2012, 06:02:35 am
The Diary (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z5TnSlQhVXOwFak616rhNFINgwvOEo0McWPt3ErcsWQ/edit?hl=sl)
The Librarian (https://docs.google.com/document/d/135hU0Z2P3w2iErx8w0DRPQz39Bc3aCHSAGcHkaiJ5pY/edit?hl=sl)
thank you.
Post by: Tiruin on January 17, 2012, 06:42:43 am
If your sentence leads to another and needs a comma, put that comma.
"This includes words that a character says that are followed on by things not said," the narrator continued, rubbing his temple as he inspected his writing.
Quotation marks (' '),(" ") have no difference in their usage.
'One can be stated like this.'
"Or this."
And the meaning is still the same, if you read older books (~1900's) or the Lord of the Rings
there are two stories on which i have worked for a long time. i want for someone to check them and criticise.
The Diary (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z5TnSlQhVXOwFak616rhNFINgwvOEo0McWPt3ErcsWQ/edit?hl=sl)
The Librarian (https://docs.google.com/document/d/135hU0Z2P3w2iErx8w0DRPQz39Bc3aCHSAGcHkaiJ5pY/edit?hl=sl)
thank you.
Taking these then. Apologies if my criticism isn't what you expect as I don't criticize others that much, or their works (I can't even word this sentence right.)
Spoiler: The Diary (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Librarian (click to show/hide)
, semi-colon (It may be partly biased as some tips are drawn from my own experience in writing stories and crafting lore, another apology there.
For future reference, if I'm having a 'first time' moment, I'm pretty self-conscious about my work.
Should update the links, will edit below
> Becoming a Writer (http://www.novel-writing-help.com/how-to-become-a-writer.html) - Climbing the stairs on the road to writing.
> Grammar errors? I say nay! (http://www.dailywritingtips.com/7-grammatical-errors-that-aren%E2%80%99t/) - This shows common beliefs on grammar broken down by the hard facts of a writer's world.
> Writer's Block, need pushing (http://www.dailywritingtips.com/using-writing-bursts-to-generate-ideas-and-enthusiasm/) - Some tips on what you can do when you can't think of what to write, a bit opinionated though.
> "I can write!" (http://www.novel-writing-help.com/writing-voice.html)- The page name is 'Finding your Writer's voice', the whole website is basically a treasure trove of information! This is a guide.
@Phantom: If you're going to use these links, please edit as you see fit.
Post by: Tiruin on January 17, 2012, 06:44:44 am
So as to not waste this post.
@Phantom of the Library: A character limit for future prompts could help, a short story can vary in length.
Also, suggested thread rename to +The Bookkeeper's Archive+ or something that revolves around the DF theme. The Bookkeeper noble is the nearest I could find in the vanilla game :) .
Post by: kerlc on January 17, 2012, 07:16:51 am
But thanks anyway!
Post by: The Fool on January 17, 2012, 09:09:05 am
Post by: kerlc on January 17, 2012, 09:21:21 am
Post by: Tiruin on January 17, 2012, 09:28:22 am
English is also not my native tongue, though you can get it easily. Note, that if you do publish things like those, beware that it may likely get to the emotions of other people. It is a story by the way, and stories give part of your thoughts out, most likely it was a misunderstanding. But...watch what you type though, the proper use of words and formatting would at least give the impression that you know what you're saying; and not trolling or flaming.
Post by: kerlc on January 17, 2012, 11:00:41 am
oh, and have a look at this short story. it's about someone going batshit insane.
Spoiler: Laughter (click to show/hide)
Post by: EmeraldWind on January 18, 2012, 10:48:25 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on January 18, 2012, 10:58:50 pm
this, though Phantom hasn't said anything if I can critique or not.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Criticism (click to show/hide)
It's (my spoiler) a bit opinionated, just to point it out. Good story! Needs a bit more detail, the ending eluded me. Then the analogy sunk in :D
Post by: The Fool on January 19, 2012, 12:26:13 am
I'll take a stab at the "Quest for the Orb of Zot."Spoiler (click to show/hide)
While I did like the idea of the story, you didn't develop your characters until near the very end. You didn't explain how they knew what they knew, or why they were there. I spent half the writing trying to figure out what race they were since they knew about both elven and dwarven craftsmanship without explanation. While my own writing could use more, you need to describe your characters appearance to give a better mental image of the two.
The same goes for your dungeon. It's called a catacomb, and it's dark, but what do they see? You need to describe the room in general, and not just the important things they're running up to.
Another thing is that while your paragraphs work, they don't show emphasis. Several of the paragraphs where people aren't talking can be combined with either the paragraph above or below, because sometimes it's better to reserve single line paragraphs for something with an impact.
I hope I wasn't too harsh, because I actually did enjoy the story.
Post by: EmeraldWind on January 19, 2012, 08:28:08 am
the ending eluded me. Then the analogy sunk in :D
Did you mean the ending was confusing? I wanted it to be a little bit until the image on the artifact was shown. Then I was hoping readers would figure out what happened without me needing to say more. I wanted the reader to have that same moment of realization as the character.
If this works like any of the other Guild threads I'd say that you can feel free to critique the writing.
While I did like the idea of the story, you didn't develop your characters until near the very end. You didn't explain how they knew what they knew, or why they were there. I spent half the writing trying to figure out what race they were since they knew about both elven and dwarven craftsmanship without explanation. While my own writing could use more, you need to describe your characters appearance to give a better mental image of the two.
The same goes for your dungeon. It's called a catacomb, and it's dark, but what do they see? You need to describe the room in general, and not just the important things they're running up to.
Another thing is that while your paragraphs work, they don't show emphasis. Several of the paragraphs where people aren't talking can be combined with either the paragraph above or below, because sometimes it's better to reserve single line paragraphs for something with an impact.
I hope I wasn't too harsh, because I actually did enjoy the story.
Yeah, I realized I didn't give them enough characterization part of that was story length. I wanted to have them casually chat about their search for the orb and deepen their characters, but I also didn't want to make the story too long. I also had the initial idea of two silhouettes in the dark, so for the bulk of this that was what they were.
I also wanted to give more details to the catacombs but not much more. Though I guess I subconsciously left that out.
Thanks for the critique both of you. It wasn't harsh at all. The point of this thread is to get practice and criticism. I had a good deal of fun writing this.
Post by: Tiruin on January 19, 2012, 08:32:49 am
Got a story cooped up in that head? Write it down, no matter how bad it is or how foul the grammar may be, a story in the mind is like a treasure in a safe. Valuable, but unknown. Don't be afraid, experience will come as you work.
@EmeraldWind: Confusing idea, at the start. 'The analogy sunk in' - It hit me. Been a long time since I've played DF :P
To those who are reading this whole thread, post down your stories if you need help. None of us are perfect, and we learn by helping each other out.
Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 19, 2012, 08:36:13 am
@Tiruin: Feel free to critisize any time you want, my hope is that this thread eventually becomes independant enough to where I won't have to post much other than moderation and other OP stuff. Of course I will continue criticizing no matter what, but I am easily distracted and I might often forget that there is something left that I haven't critisized (and I haven't forgot about yours kerlc)
Another prompt will be coming soon if there are no more entries.
Oh, yes and I should update the OP to include the new resources soon.
Post by: kerlc on January 19, 2012, 08:51:49 am
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CxDE8-Fsuv1g9ne37eeQzQCxwpHp-oc8vnpYWST-DWE/edit (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CxDE8-Fsuv1g9ne37eeQzQCxwpHp-oc8vnpYWST-DWE/edit)
edit: i have also found this great article on the Escapist:
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/issues/issue_249/7420-From-Fanfiction-to-Just-Fiction (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/issues/issue_249/7420-From-Fanfiction-to-Just-Fiction)
it deals with how fanfic can be a great way to help you get into full-time writing. or just make your writing better. read uit, it explains much better than i can :D
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 21, 2012, 12:13:01 am
So it's a couple of sentences about a story about what is essentially a germaphobic hitman...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Please Critique!!! Also seeing how it is VERY damn short I might post some more tomorrow but now it's late so, thank you in advance
Also, sorry in advance for the whole shining a heel thing it doesn't make much sense but I didn't really know what to put and it just sort of...flowed
Post by: Tiruin on January 21, 2012, 12:36:06 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Criticism :( (click to show/hide)
Sorry if I nitpicked. But the story has a good gist in it. :)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 21, 2012, 08:20:13 am
Thanks man, yes, using many commas is a big problem of mine, I don't know why I do it, but it happens, like in this sentence I think. (5 in one sentence)
As to the redundant bit: I thought that If I didn't describe it with both a sound, then a description people might think he was walking strangely when really his shoes were just loud.
I hate and love semi-colons, they are the bane of my existence, sometimes I'll use them witout knowing it, other times I use them wrongly, but regardless they cripple me. (commas again)
Finally, I know he seems a bit reserved, and as a result a dull character, however he is supposed to be a proffessional hitman, but if that doesn't satisfy you know that he'll take his anger out further on in the story
Post by: Digital Hellhound on January 21, 2012, 08:38:45 am
Related - 'ejaculated'... dear god, why would you use that? It's bad enough with old books (you gotta love it when Watson wakes in the middle of the night to a sudden ejaculation, >_>) but today it has one meaning and one meaning only. Stick to that.
Post by: Tiruin on January 21, 2012, 08:43:27 am
If you give a character out of the blue, there must be some realization of his/her characteristics or appearance later. Described by an honest witness, or through his/her own eyes. Although I think this is the current gist of how stories are told, some go with mystery at first then reveal it later on.
Example of a description:
The traveler was a big man, a bigness of large, heavy bone and ropy tendon rather than of flesh. His hair was course and black, and at some time his nose had been broken. He rode his horse easily, but with the peculiar alertness of the trained warrior.
((Sorry if I used a professional example...if anyone knows the source, that is.))
And you can worry about grammar and punctuation later on, when the plot is written down, in the refining area. Plot first before typos. I just put in the grammar part to help a bit.
If I seem like complaining about anything in stories, I'm not. Just noting down some parts I *think* need to be improved. :)
Edit: ^
The meanings of words are sometimes mangled by pop culture, but the general thing is still the same.
Also note, the word "said" is regarded as a passive word by many, many people. They don't mind reading "said", just the usage at the right times.
It's an invisible word in writing, everything else just sticks out and if there are only such words, the whole text looks stupid.
Note: Stick to the common tongue, you could use deeper words in details but use them sparingly or not at all if you do little description. It will be obvious. If you can describe something with light and easily understood words, do it.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 21, 2012, 08:50:49 am
Post by: Azated on January 22, 2012, 04:21:22 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So, let me know what you think.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on January 22, 2012, 05:12:24 am
Heh, I'm tempted to try 'the Orb of Zot' now. Would be good to have some critique myself.
Post by: NobodyPro on January 22, 2012, 06:15:34 am
Rants on fantasy writing that can also apply to writing in general. Always a good read.
Archive of old rants. (http://www.forresterlabs.com/limyaael/)
Post by: Repulsion on January 25, 2012, 10:06:21 am
Edit: Here it is:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
huh, shorter than I expected. It appears that the paper-to-page length conversion rate is a bit skewed.
Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 25, 2012, 10:09:58 am
Post by: Repulsion on January 25, 2012, 07:31:10 pm
Post by: Tiruin on January 25, 2012, 11:53:52 pm
Taking this.
Edit: Here it is:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Response (click to show/hide)
Post by: raptorfangamer on January 28, 2012, 12:25:01 pm
Post by: The Fool on January 29, 2012, 12:17:21 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 29, 2012, 12:43:12 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So, hopefully if it's not horrible I'll continue it, i've got a rough idea for the story.
Post by: Supermikhail on January 29, 2012, 12:58:01 am
Spoiler: Disclaimer (click to show/hide)
Webpages, talked about in this post, which may be useful to you without all my rambling:
- http://www.dailywritingtips.com/four-powerful-ways-to-bring-your-writing-goals-closer/ (http://www.dailywritingtips.com/four-powerful-ways-to-bring-your-writing-goals-closer/)
- http://www.before-after.com/quiz2/default.html (http://www.before-after.com/quiz2/default.html)
First of all, I've just stumbled upon an article which says important things, I think. Link No.1 (http://www.dailywritingtips.com/four-powerful-ways-to-bring-your-writing-goals-closer/)
One of the points in this article that are more poignant, at least for me and based on my experience, is that you shouldn't edit while you're writing. I imagine had I {heard of / followed} this advice {since the time I started writing / at least since two years ago} it would have... well, possibly not sped up my progress but at least saved me some sanity. Two years ago I had a thing on this board which involved posting short bits of prose involving community ideas. I took it very seriously, tried to do it daily and thought that each bit of prose should be stellar. It may not have been as bad if the idea was to write short bits of prose. But it actually was to finish a novel in this fashion. And it is now very clear that a stellar novel could not be accomplished this way. Maybe a first draft. But the concept of drafts wasn't very familiar to me then. So, I guess the lesson I'd like my 2-year-past-self to take away is that I should learn to make mistakes... the constructive way, I guess. (The last sentence doesn't seem to make any temporal sense. Whatever.)
The other important thing in that article is about time. When you're a beginner, you probably can't sit writing for 8 hours a day -- you're probably not going to write much in one sitting while keeping it up consistently -- and you need to keep it up consistently if you want to become good -- you'll write little -- and in this way you're going to have a first draft of a novel in a year. Not sooner. Up until a few months ago I kept telling myself that I'm going to finish my novel in a couple of months. That's not a healthy attitude, at least for me. It may be a short lapse in ambition or a short glimpse of sanity in my life - or a consistent +1 to WIS - but right now I wouldn't put a time interval on completing anything. Except that I recently played with a calculator and it appears that by the 10,000 hours rule I'm not even half of the way to expertise. So the lesson I'd like my 11-year-old self to learn is that it's going to take at least 10 years until I'm good if I'm going to write every day (however little it may be). My 11-year-old self is not going to believe me because my 11-year-old self thinks there's a superman in everyone - or at least in everyone worth considering for this role. Fortunately, breaking important news to my past selves is not a problem I have to tackle in real life.
Last point I want to make involves another website. Link No.2 (http://www.before-after.com/quiz2/default.html) A creative IQ test. I think it might be a very objective test of a very subjective property. Actually, what it might tell you about is not your creativity per se, but how easy/difficult it's going to be for you to do your chosen creative thing. I scored a D on this test. It is well deserved - I'm obsessive, insecure, shy - and I think I'll have to do something about it before I'm able to be a successful writer.
So, hopefully this ramble is going to be useful to someone. And thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
---
Addendum - from my wisdom trove: I've been digging through my last year's diary, and stumbled upon an idea for writing prompts:
Create a striking story incorporating some facts you need to remember. I guess you could say, "hit two birds with one stone." For anyone thinking that incorporating some random facts into a story would be boring, I'd like to introduce you to Jonathan Coulton (for example, this Youtube video (http://youtu.be/DdUUywIsIGI)).
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 31, 2012, 07:09:16 pm
Also, can someone critique my scene at the bottom of page 4?
Post by: Phantom of The Library on January 31, 2012, 09:47:08 pm
___/WEEKLY PROMPT TWO\___
Since most people here seem to be comfortable with the fantasy genre I think we'll stick with that for now.
Describe a craftsman in a fantasy world of your own or somebody else's creation.
Focuses:
Character Development: Focus on a single character and make sure that by the time we are finished reading we understand the character, and also that it is presented in a way that keeps the reader's attention.
Environment Description: This is not a primary concern, but make sure that we at least have an idea of what the world is like, even if you choose to do it in say: a world that resembles Dwarf Fortress; assume that we are completely unfamiliar with the fantasy genre, but avoid talking down to your readers, always assume that the reader is at least as or more intelligent than you.
Short story form, should be between 200 and 700 words, it's okay to go over if you feel you have to, but the point here is to try to learn how to effectively describe a lot in a smaller amount of space.
Post by: Supermikhail on January 31, 2012, 11:23:10 pm
Hello, I have a question about character creation: How specific should I be, I want to write a scene where the character gets defined but how specifc should I be? should I give his basic traits now and slowly reveal more about his character as the story goes on? or should I give it all all away now?I wanted to write a long profound post here, but... As with pretty much everything in creative writing, you can only determine the amount of characterization that is right for you by trial and error. The only thing is certain that you don't want too much or too little.
Post by: Deadmeat1471 on February 01, 2012, 08:25:12 am
I had a short go at the above task, I don't write fantasy though, in fact I write very little at all (TOO little) :P
I had some fun with this, but its a very short. It's based on a character I'm using in a book i'm writing, very early stages.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
*If I changed this, I'd add little flashback moments/thoughts inbetween each of the smithing stages to A) beef it out and B) draw it along to a realistic time frame. Not just melt, drop, cool in one paragraph.
Post by: Kattaroten on February 02, 2012, 05:14:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reudh on February 02, 2012, 06:46:36 pm
Kattaroten:
-Some punctuation is a little fuzzy. If Eric is referred to as Eric the dwarf, as dwarf is a title in this case, perhaps it should be "Eric the Dwarf".
-The action in the first paragraph is superb. I can see what is happening merely by glancing at key words; and that is most definitely what is needed in an action scene. Well done.
-Some syntax errors ("fear for own safety" should be "fear for HIS own safety") but nothing critical.
-I can see that you've taken the 'splitting ideas into paragraphs' and emphasising a statement by using it in its own paragraph. Well done again. :D
Second paragraph:
-Minor punctuation errors. Mans should be man's, as he owns the sword.
-The thought not being encased in quotes is fine, often it's a stylistic choice. Some people are irritated by thoughts not being encased in quotes, but others aren't. Me personally? I don't mind.
-I like the way you emphasise the moment "Without warning, without any kind of sound". Repeating an idea in this way is very useful to communicate a character's fear and terror.
-The sentence 'Eric waited what must have been...' is a little clunky. It would work better if there's a break in sentences between 'open the cupboard' and 'the doors swung open with a creak.'
-'He peeked out, nothing...' - the comma could be replaced with a semi colon. Semicolons work like a longer pause with an unspoken 'and' after the semicolon. 'He peeked out; nothing, the corridor was as void of life as the room with the dead man.'
-'...the coast was clear everywhere' is a preonasm. That's when part of a statement is made redundant by the previous part. To say the coast was clear infers that it is completely clear, so 'everywhere' is not needed.
Third paragraph:
-It's unclear who you're referring to with 'His breastplate'. Assume the average reader will not understand. You and I know you're referring to the dead man, not Eric, but this should probably be changed to 'The dead man's breastplate...'
-'Cleft' is an absolutely perfect choice of word. Cleft means 'V-shaped hole', like what a sword cutting partway through a body would be.
-'...him and the floor, there was a lot of blood, more than Eric had ever seen.' This is clunky, but would work well as two sentences. Replace the first comma after floor with a full stop and start a new sentence, so that it becomes 'Blood covered him and the floor. There was a lot of blood, more than Eric had ever seen.'
-Call me crazy, but when Eric considers how much blood is contained in the man it could use a hyphen ( - ) where the comma is. I may be wrong, as I used to over use hyphens.
-Where Eric enters a foetal position, although this part of the paragraph sound awkward when I read it out, in my mind it works fine.
-You forgot a full stop after 'windows.'
-The knocking down of the chair part works well. No comma is needed after 'echoed'.
-The 'no' after the initial one does not need capitalisation. 'No, no, no, no!'
-The little action scene of Eric trying to get back into the cupboard works, however 'Barely being able to close the door before someone burst through the door' is a sentence fragment. It's not clear who is referred to. The correct phrasing would be: 'Eric was barely able to close the cupboard door before someone burst through into the room.'
Fourth paragraph:
-The initial few sentences leading up to the dialogue is fine. I can't find anything wrong with it. Unless you weren't trying to deliberately emphasise the steps between the servant walking to the door and opening it, but otherwise it's fine.
-The dialogue MUST be in 'speech marks' or "quote marks" - either are fine, but you must be consistant in what you use.
-I see you start a new line for each new piece of dialogue. That's good. That helps readers see who is talking.
-The rest of the paragraph is fine, besides the final sentence. That needs to be split into two sentences after 'light of dawn'.
Fifth paragraph:
-It's not clear who is looking for the key in his vest.
-'castles many tilestones' needs to 'castle's many tilestones' as the castle owns the tilestones.
-New sentence starting from 'When he turned the key'.
-Instead of 'thumps was heard' it should be 'thumps were heard'. If something plural is acted upon by a verb, it should be 'were' rather than 'was'. If it was a singular, as in 'A thump was heard', it would be fine.
-As I said, dialogue requires quote marks or speech marks.
-I enjoy the small part of the paragraph where Eric thinks about the Eisenschwärze. There is no fault I can find with it. Well done.
-The simile 'no more sound than a silk rubbing against silk' is very good. I liked it a lot.
-The dialogue is quite good, if a little stiff and formal.
-The remainder of the paragraph is very good. There are minor mistakes in punctuation and grammar, but besides that it's fine. :D
-'I'm getting jittery by all this fighting' should be 'I'm getting jittery FROM all this fighting.'
-Swore should be sworn.
-In the final part, 'eventually thought,' should be 'eventually though'.
-'Dead tired' doesn't really work in fantasy as it's modern slang. 'Absolutely tired' could work better.
-Start a new sentence from 'his dreams.' Remove 'and'.
I've spoilered a new marked up version for you in a new post.
Post by: Reudh on February 02, 2012, 07:03:00 pm
Spoiler: Proofread version of Eric the Dwarf, by Kattaroten. (click to show/hide)
I liked reading this... Eric's a pretty likeable character.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on February 02, 2012, 08:53:07 pm
Post by: Kattaroten on February 03, 2012, 06:05:22 am
The formal language was a choice I made though, as he is supposed to be an ambassador. He would probably always be very formal with strangers since that is what he is taught to be, even in a situation where he was scared to death. The servant was probably also taught to formal with nobles, officials and such. I don't know if it made any sense. This is actually my first time writing more than two or three lines of dialogue. So it may have looked strange.
But still, I'm really happy someone liked it. If you want, I can post the next few pages when I'm done with them.
Post by: Reudh on February 03, 2012, 06:10:34 am
I attempted to write a little story for year eleven Japanese a few years back about a small boy called Wilson who struggled to understand the city I live in's weather. Don't have it anymore... but what I remember of it it was very fragmented and poorly written, to the extent of "Wilson is a young boy. He is seven. He lives in Victoria, Australia. He doesn't like the heat."
Post by: Tiruin on February 03, 2012, 06:11:21 am
Also, "he" clenched his fist so hard they went white? Singular-Plural?
Post by: Kattaroten on February 03, 2012, 07:16:54 am
Also, "he" clenched his fist so hard they went white? Singular-Plural?
Seems like I missed an "s" in there, it's supposed to be fists :D
Post by: Supermikhail on February 04, 2012, 11:04:46 pm
[REDACTED. REASON: DANGEROUS COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA]
But, in case I or anyone else takes this seriously, I'd like to remind myself/them that this is probably a bad idea based on the fact that I am the creator of the "Writers Guild" thread and it wasn't exactly thriving, as opposed to this one, which seems alive and kicking so far. Also, I'm sort of crazy (as in, about to be put into a mental hospital for therapy), so you're probably legally forbidden to take me seriously, unless you're a qualified medical person.
Post by: Vehudur on February 05, 2012, 01:52:06 am
Post by: Willfor on February 05, 2012, 02:29:23 am
To receive critique and be treated seriously, you must:
1. create a blog in which you must
2. write daily about what you've read
3. and what (or how much) you wrote (besides the blog)
4. provide a link to the blog to me / the thread (if you're not shy or whatever)
5. You must cut out your own stomach, and build an interface to your computer with your own life's blood and organs, because only death will show that you're truly serious about your craft.
Basically, Supermikhail, I have to agree with the assessment of your own disclaimers. You're giving out standards which no published author holds themselves to. If you miss a day of reading for any reason whatsoever, you're not worthy of being a writer? I know you don't want me to take you seriously, and I am trying to not make this sound like I'm attacking you here. However, I really don't want any potential writers to read this and become discouraged with themselves because of the obscene standards you've set out here.
And I think you wouldn't need therapy if you stopped holding yourself to these standards, and being hard on yourself when you can't live up to them. We're not some secret cabal of ninja-assassins who have to go out and rip out the hearts of our enemies on a daily basis (though I only speak for myself on this point). It's okay not to kill yourself in order to write. It does take dedication, but that dedication should not be peer-enforced. Instead, it should be self-enforced. There is such a thing as forcing yourself to write. There is such a thing giving up your free time, or making time to write. HOWEVER, there is such a thing as holding unrealistic expectations of what it means to suffer for your art, and then judging everyone else based on those.
Yes, I've used some hyperbole here. Hyperbole has a purpose. I'm not making fun of you, I am attempting to shock your system where you see it within my post.
The message completely without hyperbole:
* Don't discourage other writers by holding them to your own heavy expectations.
Post by: Supermikhail on February 05, 2012, 04:00:55 am
I do mean to write these ideas in a diary, but somehow they always end up on the Internet. ::)
Post by: Tiruin on February 05, 2012, 04:11:36 am
Also, I guess I have to restate this.
Easy reading is Hard writing.
Don't be dismayed on what you write, it will improve in time. The only danger to improving writing is your Ego, and the limits you set on yourself. Though, Humans are a flexible race, able to adapt to every condition and obstacle set before them.
Hence, the reason for this nice thread. Which reminds me that I've forgotten to do my part on the weekly prompt. Oops.
Requesting everyone who has a story to share, and those who have criticism to say to put it all in Spoilers
Post by: Reudh on February 05, 2012, 05:33:10 am
The best writers are crazy writers. :P
Post by: Supermikhail on February 05, 2012, 06:41:08 am
I didn't mean that you have to be religious about writing (that is, every free minute should be spent writing and you should flog yourself if you miss a day... wait, that was a hyperbole... I guess I don't understand hyperboles). My plan didn't demand any more than 15, say, minutes of writing a day. And it doesn't necessarily even have to be writing strictly, but any organized writing related activity such as brainstorming, reviewing your work... er. I may have run myself into a corner again. Also, well, I like to take breaks from routine or sometimes just am not in the mood...
Well, just needed to... say this.
I guess I just need to stop checking for updates in random places as it's not doing any good to my psyche.
Post by: Reudh on February 05, 2012, 06:58:45 am
Sit down with a cup of coffee/tea/bourbon. Whatever relaxes you. Put some nice calming (or even agitating) music on.
And write! :D
You'd be surprised the quality that comes when one is fully relaxed.
Post by: Yoink on February 05, 2012, 07:04:18 am
...The last time I actually did a decent bit of writing, was when I caught the wrong train and ended up out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for another train to take me back home. :P Good thing I brought my book! I've had this novel idea kicking around for ages, in fact I've even fleshed out much of the plot and started writing it twice before. It's getting motivated to write it that's the trouble.
Post by: Deadmeat1471 on February 05, 2012, 07:37:59 am
So, I've been itching to write here again, and it may turn out woeful. I apologize strongly in advance because what I'm about to write (or the very fact of my writing it) may be unpleasant to people.
[REDACTED. REASON: DANGEROUS COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA]
But, in case I or anyone else takes this seriously, I'd like to remind myself/them that this is probably a bad idea based on the fact that I am the creator of the "Writers Guild" thread and it wasn't exactly thriving, as opposed to this one, which seems alive and kicking so far. Also, I'm sort of crazy (as in, about to be put into a mental hospital for therapy), so you're probably legally forbidden to take me seriously, unless you're a qualified medical person.
Arthur C. Clarke was crazy and shit and look how his work turned out.
Post by: Willfor on February 05, 2012, 11:14:07 am
Also, I need to stop using hyperbole, because I just read my post again and I come across as such an asshole.
Post by: Kattaroten on February 05, 2012, 03:22:10 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on February 05, 2012, 03:28:36 pm
Yay! more Eric The dwarf
Ok so I had written some more of my hitmen story it's just a paragraph giving you a general idea of the characters.
I was writing further when I realized that the part I had written earlier is actually pretty close to the end of my story, so I went back and tried to devise a general plotline which I have and will now try and wrte up to my previous scene.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I suspect my punctuation is off, and that i've placed too many periods, hopefully it's readable.
as usual please critique and enjoy.
Post by: Kattaroten on February 05, 2012, 03:45:22 pm
Also, try breaking it into paragraphs, as was previously said. It makes it easier to read :D
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on February 05, 2012, 04:15:23 pm
Post by: MaximumZero on February 06, 2012, 08:54:40 am
Post by: Johuotar on February 06, 2012, 09:08:19 am
Post by: Supermikhail on February 06, 2012, 12:45:24 pm
Yoink, I propose a scientific experiment. I personally see my computer as the best place to write (maybe that's related to intelligibility of my writing on paper), but I guess you should include other places, too. Take 15 minutes (with an alarm clock), an arbitrary time of day and one of your prospective writing places. I guess the result of the experiment will be determined by how much you have written in each place and at each time. The experiment should be repeated several times, otherwise it wouldn't be scientific.
The idea is not to force yourself to cram as much writing into those 15 minutes, but to write as much as you feel like. In theory the amount should increase by itself over time.
Just a half-baked idea. (Or maybe not. I think I actually stole it from one... or several books on writing). Also, don't forget the option of waking up 15 minutes earlier than usual. If only to test it.
Also, Wilfor, you're a cool dude.
I may have better had... Maybe I should have written this in a blog, or something. But I don't have a blog. :(
Post by: Deadmeat1471 on February 06, 2012, 01:34:44 pm
Writing it on paper just doens't work for me, but the notes help more than writing notes on a computer.
Post by: Supermikhail on February 06, 2012, 01:50:40 pm
Maybe all "you"s and "your"s should be replaced by "I"s and "my"s in this post.
Post by: Tiruin on February 10, 2012, 08:02:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
:-\
This is the product of rushed work...
Post by: Reudh on February 10, 2012, 08:24:04 am
Post by: Kattaroten on February 10, 2012, 02:28:12 pm
My personal opinion only though. Take it as seriously as you want.
Edit: Just got done with another few pages of Eric the dwarf.
Please don't hold back to from telling me if there's something wrong with it. I keep getting this suspicion that I'm just stringing random sentences together, hoping that they will form a consistent story somewhere in the end.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on February 10, 2012, 10:03:43 pm
Post by: Reudh on February 10, 2012, 11:11:02 pm
Post by: Pnx on February 10, 2012, 11:58:45 pm
Anyway, this is the prologue, and part one.
Spoiler: Prologue (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Part one, Maggy (click to show/hide)
So.... any advice on how to make this less awkward?
Post by: Kattaroten on February 11, 2012, 03:55:26 am
1) Eric saw two men fighting eachother in the first scene.
2) Eric doesn't know if the siege was still ongoing so neither do I xD
3) Yes... But it's frickin hard! I have no idea how he's going to meet this new character and I have no idea how or why this one will become more permanent.
@Reudh
Sweet! That means quite a lot to me, considering the nature of this forum xD
Also, great story Pnx, a bit stuttery at parts but still great. Try reading it through and wedge some transistory (What is it with me and strange words lately?) sentences between the ones you've already written. Maybe it'll give it a bit more flow...
Post by: Hybrid on February 18, 2012, 03:05:06 am
I'm thinking of writing a short in my spare time and get helpful criticisms. Also, my English isn't the best (but hey, it's not my native language), so increasing my vocabulary would be very useful for me.
Just making sure about this; those who aren't mentors here can comment others' work or not, in the form of constructive criticism?
Post by: Tiruin on February 18, 2012, 06:25:43 am
((Thanks for bumping this btw, it got lost in my newbox for some reason.))
Also, unsolicited request:
It was a great story except for one thing. I think you used bit to many adjectives and likenesses (Is that even a word?). Don't get me wrong, a lot of the likenesses (Goddamnit that feels strange to write) were brilliant. It's only that it made the text a bit hard to read.I need more criticism. ;D
@Deadmeat1471
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Criticism (click to show/hide)
---
@Pnx
Spoiler: Prologue (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Part one, Maggy (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Criticism (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kattaroten on February 19, 2012, 08:52:46 am
Post by: Tiruin on February 19, 2012, 09:10:12 am
Post by: Kattaroten on February 19, 2012, 09:15:41 am
I'm sure someone more experienced will step up and offer some better criticism :D
Post by: Skyrunner on February 19, 2012, 11:09:57 pm
Personally, I think myself to be not so bad at actually writing, but horrible at writing longer sections of correlated, uninterrupted text. Like maybe a couple of good, strong paragraphs.
Also, I tend to lapse into passive voice. >.>
Let's see...:
Spoiler: Random story (click to show/hide)
Post by: kytuzian on February 23, 2012, 04:19:10 pm
Anyway, Skyrunner, I think your story reads almost like a poem because of the short sentences and relatively high quantity of metaphors and similes.
Post by: adwarf on February 25, 2012, 08:39:47 pm
Spoiler: Short Story (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on February 29, 2012, 05:21:23 pm
Post by: Telgin on March 01, 2012, 03:54:13 pm
Actually, I've had a strong urge to get back on the fantasy novel I started like a year ago and only wrote two chapters for. If only it wasn't so hard to make fantasy fresh and interesting. I set out with that being the goal and kind of lost the story under it. Time to start over with the story up front. Now if only that wasn't so hard to come up with.
The only other writing I've done lately basically amounts to dubious quality fan fiction and I'd rather not inflict that upon everyone here. :)
Ah well, this thread is more about getting help for writing so maybe I can chip in and give some critique at least.
Post by: Galick on March 01, 2012, 07:20:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 01, 2012, 08:36:48 pm
The only thing, to me, that does not flow is the first sentence, I think instead of 'like' you should have 'as' however that is at the mercy of your prejudious.
As for myself, here is my aforementioned contribution, atleast a part of it, I'll get more out soon.
I've had the story brewing for a couple of years now and the basic backdrop is that the world's gone to shit, blah, blah, blah, technogarbage. Anyways, America, in a crippling civil war, has torn itsself apart and after recovering has formed into a collection of feudal states, which in turn cannot support a large commercial industry and as such have regressed somewhat to medieval times, although the use of firearms is still common. Things like like tanks and other costly armaments are less frequently used and as such each kingdom scrabbles to get as much land as it can manage. The setting is in the Area that used to be West Virginia, and things are quite hectic. D.C. is a raging battleground between a new-yorkish empire and a collection of Georgian city states who fight over the secrets of the white house and the pentagon, blah blah blah again. Finally the kingdoms are somewhat manipulated by the powerful energy corporations still in existence (which is few).
The setting for the snippet here is that the main char is attending a council on how to deal with the rest of the pennsylvanian empire, which is a buffer state, among other things. Of the aformentioned plot points some will be elaborated on in following snippets.
and as usual please critique:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on March 01, 2012, 09:45:20 pm
Also, double posting (maybe) for a story later on.
(How do you all do such short stories with great flavor guys?! Warning before I post mine, it is longwinded...)
Post by: Galick on March 01, 2012, 09:56:10 pm
So...I'll post critique on the stories above, if anyone is willing for it.
Also, double posting (maybe) for a story later on.
(How do you all do such short stories with great flavor guys?! Warning before I post mine, it is longwinded...)
I'd be very interested in a critique if you'd like to give it. And this way you're not gonna double post :P
Post by: adwarf on March 01, 2012, 09:56:50 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 02, 2012, 07:14:17 am
Post by: Galick on March 02, 2012, 02:56:53 pm
Thirded? EDIT: we should hold a seminar on world creation.
I actually know a fair bit about that through my own experimentation, so I could maybe rant about it at length? At least, my own experiences with it?
Post by: Tiruin on March 02, 2012, 05:13:21 pm
Just like Dwarf Fortress!
. . .
You really didn't want me to double post, did you all?
Also, all criticism is in spoilers because...well, spoilers! :D
Disclaimer: All criticism made are spun out of the spool of opinion. They are just words on a post, made just for a helping tip. They are not set in stone, or labeled down as a law. Feel free to work your own way. I make huge walls of text when I criticize. If anyone has a problem with that, please voice it out.
And if you take a peek on some spoilers, you'll see how long-winded I am. Sorry.
How do you all do this? Short, brief, concise and precise! . . .
I love stories. [/gettothepointalready]
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
, don't take this sentence as criticism, just my personal note.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Short Story (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Random story (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
C'mon and join the FUN Telgin, and everyone else who is browsing this and/or has posted since then on. :D
Hurrah! Free-time!
Updated the list of notes to those I've missed, hope my criticism didn't sound stupid. :P
This needs more activity, no?
Spoiler: As there was no monthly/bi-weekly prompt lately... (click to show/hide)
I think I've done something very wrong in the one above, being made on the spur of the moment... :-\
Help?
I'm loving the activity thus far, given how the Creative Projects board being the least active (or so I think) on Bay12.
Post by: Galick on March 02, 2012, 05:53:43 pm
Spoiler: Mah prologue thing (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Reponse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: As there was no monthly/bi-weekly prompt lately... (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: My prologue (click to show/hide)
And my review!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 02, 2012, 07:59:33 pm
Quote
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Thanks Tir for the critism, there are, however some things I'd like to point out.
1st.) pfffffffft, hah, you think that's a long paragraph? In anycase, my descriptive paragraphs spare no one and are indeed very long, dialoge-y sections get much shorter though so don't worry.
2nd.) I'd like to clarify some things about the use of the term 'Knight' chiefly that Chivalry is DEAD, what do you think happens on the battlefield, they just ask to be spared? sometimes. But usually you get an axe to the neck. Also the term 'Knight' is quite necessary, I learned a long time ago that there is really no point to calling something something-else if you can call it by its name. How cheesy would the story sound if I said he was a 'land-holder' or something equally silly?
3rd.) Bejebus do I dislike your paragraph structure :l
and finally nice catch for the misued comma after 'Gerald', I didn't even notice.
All in all I learned alot so thanks again for the criticism
now...
COUNTER-CRITICISM muhahahahahaha!!!
I love it, very easy on the eyes.
In the first paragaph though, I feel like your punctuation is a bit off, something just seems...strange about it.
In the second paragraph I think the term 'unbeaten path' is bit awkwardly worded. Do you mean overgrown path or old path?
The only other thing which bothers me is it's flow, the story seems to halt in places (maybe it's just me)
Overall I like it, gave me a very good impression of what was going on.
Post by: Repulsion on March 03, 2012, 01:28:42 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GlyphGryph on March 05, 2012, 03:20:59 pm
Obviously, not hearing it the way it sounds in my head probably makes it suck even more than it would already, but hey. Just treat it as poetry, I guess.
Code: [Select]
I am my own worst enemy
Sabotaging all I see
Whisper all that I can be
and watch me shake my head
I am my own worst enemy
My apathy is killing me
Dear god won't you set me free
Please god rescue me
Someone set me free
I know someday I'll make it, someday I'll go far
Someday I'll take my place among the big bright shining stars
I'll find all the secrets, of wealth and of success
I'll create something wonderful, and dad, he'll be so impressed
You'll all be so impressed
But...
Well...
I won't hold my breath
Because
I am my own worst enemy
Sabotaging all I see
Whisper all that I can be
and watch me shake my head
I am my own worst enemy
My apathy is killing me
Dear god won't you set me free
Please god rescue me
Someone set me free
I used to dream the biggest dreams, I dreamt my way through life
But now I've been too long awake and nothings turned out right
And everything is difficult, and I can't comprehend
How I quite got to this place or where my road will end
Where will my road end?
And I'm...
Not sure...
Am I even on the road? Or have I gone and lost the path again?
Because
I am my own worst enemy
Sabotaging all I see
Whisper all that I can be
and watch me shake my head
I am my own worst enemy
My apathy is killing me
Dear god won't you set me free
Please god rescue me
Someone set me free
I am my own worst enemy
Nothing ventured, just leave me be
For now I think I'll stay at home
'cause I just want to sit here
all alone
I think today I'll sit here all alone
Yeah, I've still got a lot of nothing left to do.
Post by: Doomblade187 on March 05, 2012, 10:18:35 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: WillowLuman on March 05, 2012, 11:44:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: adwarf on March 07, 2012, 10:08:49 pm
Spoiler: Intro (click to show/hide)
Post by: Gotdamnmiracle on March 21, 2012, 01:11:51 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Galick on March 21, 2012, 05:17:31 am
Random suicide story
Alright. You wanted criticism, you got it.
First: If you're going to stick with third person, don't mention a character's name constantly. Use pronouns - he, she, it, etc. Reading Aaron did this, Aaron did that; is quite boring.
Second: I cannot stress this one enough. Show. Not tell. It's well written, technically, but Aaron has all the personality of a piece of cardboard reading this. Hint at what he's thinking about a bit more often (and more subtly!) instead of just saying "Aaron's mind was elsewhere." The entire story reads like a well-written and descriptive list - but it's a list.
Third: I get that this is playing off his depression - sudden improvement typically leads up to this, of course. The thing is, there's no way to know this. I just understood it because I know about depression.
Fourth: The ending was kinda horrible. There was no need to add that last little tidbit in - it just detracts from the story overall IMO and places an unnecessarily cruel bent to the story. It should've just ended with the newspaper reading his obituary or maybe his autopsy.
Post by: Reudh on March 21, 2012, 05:34:47 am
I think that that story had promise, but was lost in the "Mire of Show Not Tell". That's absolutely paramount in writing; to effectively write as a character you must get into their mind- how they sound, look, react to stimuli etc... It makes writing a suicidal character very draining but works well.
I wrote a 'random suicide story' two years ago, when I was still depressed - because I could get behind the mind of the character, the lecturer (a published author) said
"This story genuinely frightens me. And in a good way; don't get me wrong. I feel genuinely worried for Rhys and his plight, his struggle with mental problems, but the real strength lies in the whole cynical undercurrent that provides a bit of black humour in an otherwise depressing piece."
'Random suicide stories' are waaaaaay not the best choice to write; if it's for cathartic reasons, go ahead, but bear in mind people don't respond very well to them - some people have lost family or friends, some went through suicidal phases themselves- one must tread very carefully with such a story. Their emotional impact can be amazingly powerful, but they are by no means a beginner story to write.
Post by: Ehndras on March 21, 2012, 05:46:35 am
Post by: Reudh on March 21, 2012, 05:56:37 am
PAINFULLY BUT CONSTRUCTIVELY.
Post by: Ehndras on March 21, 2012, 06:02:59 am
Out of curiosity, how long as these excerpts allowed to be?
Post by: Ehndras on March 21, 2012, 06:05:26 am
Spoiler: Undying Dream - 12/26/2011 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on March 21, 2012, 06:19:34 am
Post by: NRDL on March 21, 2012, 06:21:34 am
Post by: Reudh on March 21, 2012, 06:23:18 am
I'll read your story on the weekend properly; i had a quick glance at it and I can see your writing style is very grandiose.
Very powerful for a worldbuilding fantasy, imo.
It feels like a very, very powerful intro. That's all I can say at the moment, gotta sleep!
Same for you NRDL (Is it pronounced Nerdul?). I'll read your story on the weekend when I have some time.
Post by: Ehndras on March 21, 2012, 06:26:33 am
Post by: Tiruin on March 21, 2012, 06:43:31 am
So before I set down my towering wall of text contained in the deadly spoiler box for all of you, Hover your mouse pointer over me! I'm a disclaimer!
Hmm, this wall of text needs time to be built. Come the next morn, it shall be finished! {In a normal text document, all your stories compile to ~12 pages. I love Bay12!}
Post by: Ehndras on March 21, 2012, 06:49:20 am
Post by: Gotdamnmiracle on March 21, 2012, 09:05:35 am
Random suicide story
Alright. You wanted criticism, you got it.
First: If you're going to stick with third person, don't mention a character's name constantly. Use pronouns - he, she, it, etc. Reading Aaron did this, Aaron did that; is quite boring.
Second: I cannot stress this one enough. Show. Not tell. It's well written, technically, but Aaron has all the personality of a piece of cardboard reading this. Hint at what he's thinking about a bit more often (and more subtly!) instead of just saying "Aaron's mind was elsewhere." The entire story reads like a well-written and descriptive list - but it's a list.
Third: I get that this is playing off his depression - sudden improvement typically leads up to this, of course. The thing is, there's no way to know this. I just understood it because I know about depression.
Fourth: The ending was kinda horrible. There was no need to add that last little tidbit in - it just detracts from the story overall IMO and places an unnecessarily cruel bent to the story. It should've just ended with the newspaper reading his obituary or maybe his autopsy.
And as a response to the depression portion, that's what I was going for. It comes out of nowhere and when you do make up your mind, "I'm going to kill myself", it's common to feel elated. Thus the jarring feeling should be present. The cruel bent (I felt like) is the most important. It does detract but I feel that death in, popular culture, is viewed as the end all be all, that makes even the most awful of beasts tear up, which isn't the case in real life. Although You may be correct it doesn't make for good story writing. Understand, I'm not arguing just trying to make my goals for the piece more clear.
Okay. So people aren't getting to the point I'm trying to get across. That is waaay not good.
*towards his writing now* BACK TO THE FORGE YE GO!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Gotdamnmiracle on March 21, 2012, 09:28:30 am
Post by: WillowLuman on March 21, 2012, 08:50:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Would like some advice as to ending or continuing
Post by: adwarf on March 22, 2012, 09:59:39 pm
Spoiler: Story, Chapter 1 (Partial) (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on March 22, 2012, 10:13:43 pm
Beginning of the first chapter of a story I'm writing (Same as before), I cut off towards the end to get critique, and advice before continuing on.Spoiler: Story, Chapter 1 (Partial) (click to show/hide)
I quite like it, but your grammar needs work. There are multiple instances where you're using adverbs incorrectly, as well as stitching sentences to one another without a solid flow.
My favorite exercise is to read my story out loud, making sure to reflect a natural flow in its grammar and punctuation. A reader won't know that unique, awesome style you want it to be read with, so you need to gently guide the reader by using certain grammar techniques. :)
Post by: Reudh on March 22, 2012, 10:23:42 pm
The writing style is grandiose yet a little dry - but nothing I could not stomach. I assume with that writing style that you're aiming to adults who read on a regular basis, and hence it works well for that audience.
I struggled to keep my attention on it after a while - in essence, was the idea "Humans attempt to understand mortal life but are fettered by their beliefs, but even so they are much more comprehensive than the other animals of Earth"?
It was a very great piece, but the style I found as I said a little dry. That's only a stylistic criticism though; as that style of writing is not my favourite or indeed one I enjoy my criticism may suffer from bias. Plus, if it's a stylistic choice then ultimately what I say about the style of writing should count for little to nought.
What's this story about? Besides the idea that I felt floating behind the piece, I couldn't see the actual plot of it. If it is just an intro, then disregard what I just said, but if it's part of a novel - a chapter, say... then I could not see the natural plot.
Finally though, as I write this, while I considered your piece for a while and thought that while it was dry, if I viewed it as a 'stream of consciousness' then it was an amazingly powerful piece from a bright mind.
I look forward to seeing much more of your work, man! Keep it up!
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 12:20:49 am
Aye, its not actually a short story; alone, that is. I had originally written it for my scifi novel work, but I found it to be too philosophical and impersonal to be put into my work. My primary style of writing is exactly so, a profoundly philosophical approach at human nature. I take a heavily influence from Lovecraft's work, actually. To be quite honest, its what has drawn many of my readers to me. Even though I love my philosophical ramblings, I'm gradually learning to simplify my work for a more general audience. As you stated, my writing is primarily for an intellectual adult audience and, considering the topics I discuss, such individuals are hard to come by.
Spoiler: Ephemeral Visions (Philosophical Essay Approach) (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Anarchy Unlimited RP Turn, No Editing (click to show/hide)
Here is another example of the same sort of writing. Then, something completely different; an actual excerpt of my RP/story writing. I'm pretty sure you see a significant different in language, style and flow. My one significantly-irritating issue is that of flow. All of my writing is too poetic, too philosophical, too... Dry. I have a lot of trouble making my writing more... Natural. Hell, my real-world speech is like that too. I am a very dramatic speaker, keen on playing up emotional responses via powerful imagery, but that sort of drama goes right over most people's heads. I never was one for being casual... :P
I have years of writing experience, but my writing has always been limited to a narrow field of vision. THAT is the issue I want to fix. Hence, why I've taken to RPing on the forums in a menagerie of play-by-post games. I figure that if I can get myself writing in ways that I'm not comfortable, like that Anarchy Unlimited RP I'm running, then it'll help me think outside the proverbial box. :)
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 12:27:17 am
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 12:32:05 am
I struggled to keep my attention on it after a while - in essence, was the idea "Humans attempt to understand mortal life but are fettered by their beliefs, but even so they are much more comprehensive than the other animals of Earth"?
Heh, so-so. In my usual twist, it was an attempt at expressing that we are highly intelligent and inquisitive as a species. BUT... We allow our intellect to blind us. We allow our cultures and established beliefs cloud what could be, as we struggle to hold onto what already is. Its both a complement to our ability to intellectually persevere and a confession of man's tendency to be narrow-minded in our pursuits.
The ultimate goal of this was to express that we must always keep our eyes open. We can neither lay back and ignore progress, nor allow our knowledge to prevent us from learning more about the world.
In my writing, I always like to knock humanity down to their knees and then build them back up as stronger, more independent individuals. All of my writing focuses on the human journey of self-discovery and universal understanding as our historic notions fall away to be replaced by more mature, wizened understanding of life's many roads.
In essence, we get a bitchslap from reality which allows us to really learn and figure things out. :P
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 12:40:42 am
I have nothing in common with anyone below the age of 30 and my writing (as well as my personal life) suffers for it. Honestly, if I wasn't such an eclectic individual, I'd simply be a crabby old man in a twenty year old's body, lmao. Being near most people in the 18-22 range just makes me feel like the most socially-awkward bastard in existence, although I do great with folks in their mid-twenties all the way to their seventies.
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 12:45:09 am
The writing industry itself is pretty nasty though. With your writing style unfortunately I feel that unless you could write a piece that captures the publisher's imagination, you would be doomed to write speeches and formal writing.
Because unfortunately, for all publishers can bring a story to life, they will rip the unholy life out of your book and dumb it down if you are approached by the wrong publisher.
That being said, it's good to start small and work your way up; what i've seen is that changing your style gradually often surprises critics.
<--- Did a two year writing course, has multiple contacts in the Australian publishing industry, no responses from publishers as yet though. :P
Post by: Gotdamnmiracle on March 23, 2012, 12:48:09 am
Same here. I was described by a very drunk friend as "An old man in a young man's body... A victorian gentleman... and that's a compliment..."
Jesus... are you guys... me?
Apparently this forum attracts a lot of the same types.
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 12:48:58 am
Same here. I was described by a very drunk friend as "An old man in a young man's body... A victorian gentleman... and that's a compliment..."
The writing industry itself is pretty nasty though. With your writing style unfortunately I feel that unless you could write a piece that captures the publisher's imagination, you would be doomed to write speeches and formal writing.
Because unfortunately, for all publishers can bring a story to life, they will rip the unholy life out of your book and dumb it down if you are approached by the wrong publisher.
That being said, it's good to start small and work your way up; what i've seen is that changing your style gradually often surprises critics.
<--- Did a two year writing course, has multiple contacts in the Australian publishing industry, no responses from publishers as yet though. :P
I'd actually consider writing speeches and such. I write for fun, really. I have some pretty screwed-up historic issues that my writing helps me deal with. Writing is and always will be my life's passion, but it is a passion I engage in for my own pleasure and sanity.
I came to terms long ago with the fact that a publisher would absolutely shit on my writing. :P
Anyway, how about you post something of yours for me to critique? =)
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 12:52:18 am
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 12:52:42 am
Same here. I was described by a very drunk friend as "An old man in a young man's body... A victorian gentleman... and that's a compliment..."
Jesus... are you guys... me?
Apparently this forum attracts a lot of the same types.
Yes, yes it does. I have a Skype group of Bay12ers and players from Bay12-related games who are all like us. Each of us is extremely different in a thousand different ways, but that same aura of inquisitive intellectualism and older-than-you-seem personality shines brightly.
All of my friends are that way, actually, though we all deal with it in different ways. Me, I'm the wise old Sage type. People always come to me for relationship and personal advice, and I was known in high school as the human encyclopedia and-or 'The therapist'. (Useless information, ho!)
Sadly, no one ever listens to the wise old sages and most will rather quickly confuse him for a crazy old geezer. ;)
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 12:56:29 am
Some of my writing is on my deviantart page, though that's barely a fickle half-percentile of what I've written in the last decade. I had my notes and laptop stolen four years ago which cost me an entire high-fantasy novel series I had been writing. Looking back on it though, I must say good riddance; it was shit anyway.
http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/
I haven't updated the damn thing in years, though I still add new poetry and such to it. I lost my old account two years ago so I simply copy+pasted the same junk over to the new one and kept it as-is.
Oh, and regarding the Chaotic Origins design - I finished that thing years ago but I never updated the image.
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 01:06:27 am
However, I'm going to show you all a cathartic piece I wrote in late 2010 about my experiences in suburbia as a redhead. :P Some rude words, beware. I wasn't sure of the title, but it was shocky and grabbed people's attention. Plus, it worked to build a sense of anger and outrage. It's just a short story, rather unfinished, but I liked writing it (the rush of happiness after i had gotten my anger at those who would be racist out was intense) and the group who critiqued it had several interesting reactions; my teacher who was a seasoned writer compared it with his experiences growing up as a northern englishman in southern england, one of the other students who was the father of the redhead got very angry (towards the people who do such a thing - apparently it invigorated him to pursue his daughter's school all the more, she was a redhead too).
I ended it very hastily because I had to get it in to the course by a deadline; but it was still a good enough piece. :P
Enough talk though, here it is!
Spoiler: Ranga Is The New N****r (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 01:20:36 am
One funny thing is that I eventually met all of my bullies again after a few years, and all were docile. Of the dozens, every single one had come from a broken, abusive family. All they really did was echo the same abuse they witnessed and often received, as is natural for a victim of some sort of abuse.
It doesn't justify a decade of verbal and physical abuse, but it made me feel better to know how pathetic they all truly were.
Humans fear what they do not understand. Just the same, any animal will exile a member of the pack who does not identify physically with them. This means those with different-colored eyes or hair, those of a different race, those with disabilities, all of these individuals will be ridiculed and abused for their qualities. As much as it sickens me, I understand the natural survival instinct that drives such behavior. This natural reaction to what is different is then catalyzed by personal difficulties and cultural stigma, which obviously leads to folks like me and you being given a hell of a time for absolutely no logical reason.
Oh well, its made us stronger as human beings.
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 01:24:33 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 01:32:32 am
I used to console myself by the whole "It's because they're descended largely from the lowest of the low members of England that they have a race memory of fearing redheads, with the whole raids on England and the Danelaw of the Vikings."
That was tenuous at best, and I ended up coming out of highschool with a poor score and cripplingly severe depression (to the point of suicidal thoughts) - but now that I am in uni I have returned to being (to quote my parents) "The inquisitive, charming person" I once was.
And yeah, I agree with that... being of mixed-race can be pretty nasty sometimes. From what I've heard anyway.
My dad's best mate's family (who refer to me as お兄ちゃん / anichan / dear older brother) are half australian of scottish descent, half japanese. In Australia, especially out in the sticks where they live, the family are often met with grumpiness and general rudeness unless the Australian father is present, whereas in Japan most people seem to consider them as curios - that is, rare things one doesn't see often.
People are always afraid of that which is different. That one sentence caused a lot of my mental issues (some still standing, most gone) throughout late childhood and all of teenage.
Anyway, some brighter stuff now!
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 01:37:16 am
But aye, POSITIVE ENERGY, HOOOOO!
(After my not-so-positive RP moment, which I feel was pretty damn epic if I may say so myself)
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 01:49:06 am
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 02:00:37 am
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 02:57:27 am
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 03:17:40 am
Out of curiosity, what is your opinion of my RP writing I posted earlier? I've yet to have someone give me criticism on how I write my RPs, so it'd be quite useful to know if I'm bombing or not.
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 03:32:35 am
With the exception of a few spelling errors, I found it a great read, and i was chuckling under my breath as I read it.
Post by: Ehndras on March 23, 2012, 04:10:36 am
I liked it a lot, even though I have next to no background in LCS. It was witty, in a very cynical way, as I suppose all characters in LCS are - and at times strongly parodical, which of course LCS is.
With the exception of a few spelling errors, I found it a great read, and i was chuckling under my breath as I read it.
*gasp!*
Spelling errors!? Where!?
Damn, that's what I get for staying up for days at a time. I decided I'd take it easy this week and just relax. I've been playing games 'til early morn' then sleeping in. First time I've been able to do so in a long, long time, and probably the last time as well, so I'm taking advantage of this period to get in my RP writing and just enjoy myself.
Wow. See? 5:09 AM and I've upgraded to epic run-on sentences! =)
Seriously though, what spelling mistakes? :\
EDIT: Besides sheppard/shepperd/shep-something. I still can't figure that one out.
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 04:45:29 am
Sheppard is the name, Shepherd is the profession, just so you know. Both are old english for sheep-herder (scēaphierde).
And I'll post my script, but don't bother to read through it just yet. Get some sleep, Ehndras. :P
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Galick on March 23, 2012, 06:13:01 am
Just for a lil gift, here's the opening of a short story that my friend requested of me. Very short so far, but I'm interested in seeing what people have to say.
Spoiler: Paladin (click to show/hide)
Any thoughts on this lil exercise? Once I actually sat down and got to work this took about maybe...four hours worth of writing. And it's only three pages in Open Office :'(
Post by: Chattox on March 23, 2012, 06:57:08 am
Spoiler: Prankster (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Quiet (click to show/hide)
I wrote Quiet ages ago, and it's pretty rough with tenses and grammar, I know :P
Thanks again :)
Post by: 3 on March 23, 2012, 07:10:03 am
Spoiler: Paladin (click to show/hide)
Your structure is really odd in this one. Almost everything is totally neutral; besides the dialogue, there's no indication of what character's perspective we're supposed to be looking at things from. Fundamentally, I think it's yet another case of telling over showing: Nearly every line is "x happens. y happens."; you're outright stating what's going on as opposed to working it into the writing. I'll try to break it down (because it helps me even if it doesn't help you).
Despite the woman's obvious weariness around her eyes she doesn't show any tiredness in her movements; instead she's quite alert and the jingling of her chain beneath the cloak is audible in the windswept valley.
Here's an example of what I mean. This sentence is a statement. Weariness around the eyes obvious to who? Quite alert observed by what? If a chain jingles in the forest and there's nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?
You could easily make this sort of thing better reading by tying it to something. This makes its inclusion more natural because it, well, actually fits in. Furthermore, you can use this to help establish other elements:
She knew that the three-eyed arctic capybara clans lurked on this road, and if any spotted her they'd likely see her as easy prey. But that was the trap - she made no effort to disguise her presence as she walked, the jingling of her chain disturbing the skittish winged ultralisks from their roostings as she passed.
It's a clumsy example but you get the idea. Here I've tried to embellish the setting, the character, and the scenario all in one short sentence.
There are other minor issues, but if there's one that jumps out at me, it's this one.
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 07:33:50 am
They're tricky to pull off - a better idea would be either first person or third person omniscient.
The story itself is good, I enjoyed reading it. But, as 3 said, the structure is odd, most likely due to the second-person narration.
Post by: Galick on March 23, 2012, 07:59:51 am
Post by: Reudh on March 23, 2012, 08:11:17 am
Post by: Tiruin on March 23, 2012, 10:05:52 am
Joy! :))
But, alas, I cannot post up the critique again today (sorry for those who've been looking forward to it), but reminding again, anyone can criticize other's work. Even if you're new, it doesn't matter as questioning will help understand what you may see wrong in writing stories.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 23, 2012, 06:20:21 pm
I was experimenting with using dialogue to characterize and reveal as much as possible, but was wondering if it turned out any good. I'm not sure if it was a good idea to have used it as a writing sample for the application, though. Just a setting idea I'd been playing around with and wanted to try out. Is it worth expanding this story, or should I do something else with the setting?
-snip-Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Would like some advice as to ending or continuing
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 26, 2012, 07:16:01 pm
Please critique and enjoy:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
As of yet there is no diaogue, obviously, but please do comment on the concepts.
P.S. I'm so glad this thread is finally pickin' up some more speed!
Post by: AlStar on March 27, 2012, 08:37:55 am
Please critique and enjoy:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This is as much a request for comments as it is a comment on your writing, but I've taken your first paragraph here (the description of Sir Gerald) and re-written it in a way that I feel flows better.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you think, Urist? Neutral third parties?
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 27, 2012, 09:50:49 am
Post by: xRDVx on March 27, 2012, 01:24:53 pm
Hence why...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
And, before anyone reads, just a few points:
a) I didn't re-read it. So I guess there will be spelling mistakes;
b) English is not my first language. So be harsh. I want to learn;
c) there is little dialogue, because there is no point it.
Thanks in advance.
Post by: Supermikhail on March 27, 2012, 01:35:45 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 27, 2012, 02:22:32 pm
Post by: Ehndras on March 27, 2012, 06:34:41 pm
I feel like purposely posting an old, HORRIBLY-written story just to watch everyone freak over the ambiguous language and grammar mistakes.
Hmm...
Post by: WillowLuman on March 28, 2012, 12:06:58 am
Ohh, totally forgot about this thread. :)Go ahead!
I feel like purposely posting an old, HORRIBLY-written story just to watch everyone freak over the ambiguous language and grammar mistakes.
Hmm...
Post by: kisame12794 on March 29, 2012, 09:29:23 pm
Post by: Tiruin on March 29, 2012, 09:34:03 pm
Busy breaking down those criticisms. It's harder than you think. :)
Post by: kisame12794 on March 29, 2012, 09:57:48 pm
Post by: Ehndras on March 29, 2012, 10:29:21 pm
It seems I had the gall to upload it to DeviantArt.
Bask in its horror!
http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=24#/d28ef6g (http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=24#/d28ef6g)
Post by: Ehndras on March 29, 2012, 10:36:46 pm
That thing was never meant to be a short story, but just a random little collection of dialogue and lore, which I later scrapped because a) My characters sounded so damn full of themselves and b) It simply looked like shyte.
Here's a better example of my early writing. This is my FIRST Scifi idea I ever came up with. I was around 13 when I started this, and I fleshed it out when I was 15ish, and really started writing feasible, non-crappy scifi when I hit about 17.
Spoiler: Project E.V.E. (click to show/hide)
AAAAAARGH. GRAMMAAAAAAAR!
Post by: kisame12794 on March 30, 2012, 08:20:36 am
Spoiler: Storytime! (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on March 30, 2012, 08:59:25 am
Post by: AlStar on March 30, 2012, 10:57:39 am
Here's a better example of my early writing. This is my FIRST Scifi idea I ever came up with. I was around 13 when I started this, and I fleshed it out when I was 15ish, and really started writing feasible, non-crappy scifi when I hit about 17.
Project E.V.E.
Personally, I'd do away with lines like "But oh, they had no idea just how much things were about to change." and "A dark storm was approaching the metropolis of man, just beyond our sight." Seems overly melodramatic to me.
Other than that, it sounds like an interesting premise for a story; I especially like the entire 'cannibalistic mutants roaming through the ashes of civilization, hunting for their next meal' thing.
Post by: Ehndras on March 30, 2012, 12:58:02 pm
Here's a better example of my early writing. This is my FIRST Scifi idea I ever came up with. I was around 13 when I started this, and I fleshed it out when I was 15ish, and really started writing feasible, non-crappy scifi when I hit about 17.
Project E.V.E.
Personally, I'd do away with lines like "But oh, they had no idea just how much things were about to change." and "A dark storm was approaching the metropolis of man, just beyond our sight." Seems overly melodramatic to me.
Other than that, it sounds like an interesting premise for a story; I especially like the entire 'cannibalistic mutants roaming through the ashes of civilization, hunting for their next meal' thing.
I've always been the melodramatic type, even young... :P
That's just the intro. There's 3 stories that form the introduction to my scifi during the 20th to 21st centuries, following into the 24th century where human civilization as we know it comes to an end. That's where it really starts. Everything before that is just backstory to create the right plot. The actual scifi story begins in earnest at the 31st century.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 30, 2012, 01:48:32 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on March 30, 2012, 02:17:32 pm
Why do my stories never get critiqued anymore? :(Just keep critiquing others, maybe they'll look at yours. Works eventually!
To be honest, I'd wanted to say that but I'm scared of pissing people off.
Post by: AlStar on March 30, 2012, 04:07:41 pm
Why do my stories never get critiqued anymore? :(
Fine, fine, make me read the entire thing, why don't you? :P
Overall, the ideas presented so far all seem reasonably interesting, and, while I don't see any obvious errors, per say, I get sort of the same feeling I did when I read (and did my own take on) your first paragraph - basically, that things just don't seem to 'flow' as smoothly as I feel they should. All of this is, of course, IMO, grain of salt and all that.
This, unfortunately, makes it hard to be able to point at any one thing and say 'correct this!'
For instance, your second paragraph:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I'd write it:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Again, this is all my opinion, and since I'm not just doing a line-edit for grammar or something similar, but actually rewriting the entire thing, it's totally possible I'm completely wrong, and my take on it is worse.
But hey, you asked for opinions, and there's mine.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 30, 2012, 10:27:09 pm
Post by: Willfor on March 30, 2012, 10:48:26 pm
Even if you're not a fan of his works, this is a man who knows how to teach writing. He knows how to teach writing because he's talked to a lot of writers who use different methods, and he's fully willing to concede that different writers write differently. What he focuses on is that writing is a skill that must be practiced, and he wants you to build up this skill. His interest in teaching is equipping writers with different tools that may or may not work for them.
Right now only the first lecture is up, and since I've followed a lot of his youtube videos and Writing Excuses I already know a number of these things. However, I'm still looking forward to when all of these are online because there's a lot to learn from them, in my opinion.
Post by: Ehndras on April 13, 2012, 11:07:06 am
CPR!
Post by: AlStar on April 13, 2012, 03:10:37 pm
It seemed to go over not-horribly, and really - what more can one ask?
This post is about the same size as the last one (roughly 900 words.) As before, all comments, criticisms and error corrections are welcome - you guys gave me some great feedback on the last one.
Pleas for me to never post more of this story to these forums will also be listened to and their merit weighed. :P
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spinal_Taper on April 14, 2012, 01:29:22 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 3 on April 14, 2012, 01:50:39 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I know it's intentional, but the mother's monologue is way too compressed for me. How else could I put it... how about: the entire paragraph is in some weird midpoint between being very specific and very nonspecific and it just doesn't flow well as a result. Either it needs to be more spaced and slower, or less detailed and faster. I suppose it's really a matter of how much of the "real world" you want to interpose between the "dream" segments: Do you want to make the contrasts of the situations subtle now and obvious later, or obvious now and (presumably) hurry along to more complex interaction between the two? Right now I can't help thinking it's neither here nor there.
The rest of it I like.
Post by: Cthulhu on April 20, 2012, 12:14:37 pm
So, there's a type of lancet that spends part of its life cycle inside cows. To get to a host, they float around in water until ingested by an insect, and then they take over the insect's brain and cause it to climb up onto stalks of grass, eventually eaten by cows, where the life cycle continues.
The SCP is a bottle of small "pills" (the bottle could be a pill bottle, tic tacs, mints, whatever). It's not made of what it should be, instead it's some kind of mutable organic compound, as are the pills themselves. If you eat one, the material migrates to your brain and starts growing into it, eventually taking over motor functions. Then you attempt to climb a nearby tall object like a radio tower or high tension power line, at which point an "antenna" of the pill material sprouts out of your skull and begins casting a tight beam radio signal directed at an arbitrary (It'll be [DATA EXPUNGED]) point in the sky. You stay there until you die of thirst or exposure, and the signal stops transmitting after you're dead.
It's some kind of alien parasite dispenser, maybe the aliens launched them all over hoping one would land on an inhabited planet and start broadcasting the location, so the aliens could do whatever it is they do.
Maybe with some tweaks it could have some of that body horror people like, parasites and brain-eating, plus the fear of the unknown, because you don't know who it's signaling or what they want
Post by: Ehndras on April 20, 2012, 03:12:39 pm
I'll take Lovecraft over that anyday.
Post by: Cthulhu on April 20, 2012, 03:25:39 pm
Post by: Caz on April 20, 2012, 06:35:28 pm
___/First Prompt\___
Write a short story of two adventurers questing into a dungeon to find the fabled Orb of Zot.
PR85 I will critique your other story when I have the time.
Also:Thanks for the offer Orangebottle!
I realise this is kinda late, but I did it anyway :< plz feedback and don't ask what I was smoking.
snip
Post by: AlStar on April 26, 2012, 01:29:30 pm
I realise this is kinda late, but I did it anyway :< plz feedback and don't ask what I was smoking.
I like how you worked on getting a non-human (or even humanoid!) view, and I think, for the most part, you managed admirably.
My only issue really was with this bit of description:
Quote
The torso of a woman, bare flesh, navel and sculpted breasts. The hair flew freely, golden, amidst two black antennae that waved in the air, as if tasting it. The limbs were insectoid, a thick carapace that ended in formidable thorns. The thorax was striped a gaudy yellow and black, and a stinger dripped with milky poison.
It just doesn't gibe with how you had the slimes describe things before, like you did with the bats:
Quote
The cavern shook softly. The leather-wings nested in the caves, feasting on fruits of the cave-peach tree. Teeth that could shred a man right down to the bone, but nothing to a slime.
I think that the bit that really breaks the immersion for me is the "sculpted breasts". These are slimes which, as far as I can tell, are nothing more then amorphous blobs of protoplasm encased in a thicker membrane. How would something like that know what "sculpted breasts" (or, for that matter, "woman") would look like?
The ending also bothered me - you've squished two different ends together that shouldn't be able to coexist:
1) Our hero slime flees from the Beegirl, then hides in a crevice for a goodly time before coming out, small and weak from hunger.
and
2) Our hero slime runs into the Beegirl again, but the two other slimes, mortally wounded, appear and save our hero.
If other slimes are so badly wounded, they should've died off a long time before the hero stopped hiding.
Alternatively, I'm misreading, and the "A crash and blinding light" is a hallucination brought on by the Beegirl killing the hero, and the hero grabbing the Orb is all just in the hero's head(-like protuberance) as its membrane dissolves.
Alternatively, I'm really off, and your use of (shim/zhe/zer) has completely befuddled me.
Post by: Ehndras on April 26, 2012, 01:41:48 pm
Its a bit old, from the month when my ex-fiance and I split, so pardon the depressing romanticism.
--- --- ---
SUMMERS BREEZE
Date: 10-19-2011
Happiness – what a subjective emotion, so ruthless in its yearning, yet as fleeting as the sun-touched breeze of summer. Minuscule moments within the endless passage of time that seem to make all of our suffering, all of our pain worth bearing. How can simple smiles and childish laughter have such an absolute effect on one’s well-being and general demeanor? How can silence and isolation corrupt someone so deeply without an utterance of hurt?
Fragile things, we humans are.
Fractured to the core, yet euphoric by far.
Such eccentric things do we so cling to,
Our needs and desires so shallow and vain.
In love our hearts bind us; so foolish, hopeful and blind,
A foolish hopelessness that caresses so gently;
The universal opiate to fragile human minds.
Yet somehow, in the midst of this cultured madness,
Vast oceans of heedless wanting,
We find ourselves more truthful in our hopeless state,
Than ever we were in our solemn debate
For once were we hurt in the heart’s deception of hope,
Such that it fractured the bindings; tattered remnants of rope
And now, with blindness cured, the heart and mind set free,
our thoughts seem to wander to what dreams could not see.
Our love, once eternal, a pleasant breeze upon sun-kissed flesh,
Now lies barren and cold as the fell northern winds.
And though white-washed gazes show naught but ice and snow,
Beneath the sea of white lie the sleeping seeds of all we know
The light bears a shadow, in darkness we’re set free
Alone we each are broken, together we must be
Embrace the Fool for he knows best, in love and hope and utter loss,
For we who see with logical eye may as well try to grasp at the vast blue sky.
Such fools are we, enthroned by love, who fail to embrace it when push comes to shove
So quick to denounce great matters of heart, for one simple reason; Love once was broken apart
Our hearts rendered fallow, so barren to the touch,
A tear rendered null as the heart is frozen shut.
So quickly we lose touch with the yearning of our hearts,
As time, ever fleeting, makes us colder and colder.
So long do we wander, in darkness without reason,
Searching unknowingly for the light to shine forevermore.
— — —
I am unhappy. Not because I don’t love, not because I don’t understand love, not because I fail to grasp love. I am unhappy because my mind, in its logic, fails to comprehend the beauty of love that my heart knows so well. Through loss and suffering the heart may grow cold, but its the mind that so eagerly blinds itself to the matters of the heart. So eager to forsake love when it is hurt, because it is easier to believe love is a lie than to continue striving to accomplish what once went wrong.
I am unhappy because I’ve lost touch with my heart and, though I love and am loved in return, I cannot seem to comprehend that very same love; as if a connection has been broken not between us but within myself. It is as if all the warmth of my heart cannot penetrate the veil of ice my mind casts upon it, afraid to release it from its frozen prison.
When it comes down to it, as simple as it may be said, it may be put in one simple sentence. A short string of words that speak volumes more than this song ever could.
“…I am afraid to love again, in fear that I may hurt and be hurt just the same.”
Post by: AlStar on April 30, 2012, 09:20:48 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I know it's intentional, but the mother's monologue is way too compressed for me. How else could I put it... how about: the entire paragraph is in some weird midpoint between being very specific and very nonspecific and it just doesn't flow well as a result. Either it needs to be more spaced and slower, or less detailed and faster. I suppose it's really a matter of how much of the "real world" you want to interpose between the "dream" segments: Do you want to make the contrasts of the situations subtle now and obvious later, or obvious now and (presumably) hurry along to more complex interaction between the two? Right now I can't help thinking it's neither here nor there.
The rest of it I like.
Took a while to get back to really putting my nose to the grindstone, but I've finally put some more work into my story.
Here's my re-write of the bit that you quoted:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Opinions? Does it flow better?
Post by: fqllve on May 01, 2012, 02:34:51 am
An idea for a possible SCP popped into my head and this seems like a decent place to put the idea out and see if anyone thinks it has enough potential to put more detailed work into.I don't really know much about the SCP thing, but I really like that idea. It's funny but similar enough to real world phenomena to be disturbing. And I dunno, but there's this whole feel of cosmic irony to it, as if there weren't more efficient ways for these aliens to send their signals.
I would pretty much read anything based on that idea.
Post by: Euld on May 03, 2012, 04:22:59 am
Spoiler: The gap that's missing (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skyrunner on May 03, 2012, 09:46:25 pm
Post by: AlStar on May 04, 2012, 02:13:36 pm
A story idea has been knocking around in my head for a while, I think it's time to let it free. It's hot off the presses, enjoy.
Neat idea; I'd like to know how the heck they managed to catch him, even if they are able to track virtually every molecule and are specifically looking for voids - gassing him while he slept, maybe? They mentioned toilets, so maybe they got him there... although that probably wouldn't work, since it's been established that it takes a while for things to uncloak, even after they've left his body.
Since no one's complained, and I've gotten some really good feedback, I'm going to continue posting my story:
Previous bits are here:
Part 1: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=63632.msg3183722#msg3183722
Part 2: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3190389#msg3190389
Minor revision to Part 2 here:
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3240957#msg3240957
As always, criticism (constructive preferred) and/or pleas for me to stop will be considered.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
edit: Always an advantage to posting something - You'd think you'd notice something like repeating the phrase "know where you’re coming from" twice in as many sentences, but apparently not.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on May 06, 2012, 07:38:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Criqitue, if you please.
It's always appreciated.
Also, AlStar, that almost seems like an Aurora fanfic... good job
Post by: Caz on May 07, 2012, 06:49:46 am
I realise this is kinda late, but I did it anyway :< plz feedback and don't ask what I was smoking.
I like how you worked on getting a non-human (or even humanoid!) view, and I think, for the most part, you managed admirably.
My only issue really was with this bit of description:QuoteThe torso of a woman, bare flesh, navel and sculpted breasts. The hair flew freely, golden, amidst two black antennae that waved in the air, as if tasting it. The limbs were insectoid, a thick carapace that ended in formidable thorns. The thorax was striped a gaudy yellow and black, and a stinger dripped with milky poison.
It just doesn't gibe with how you had the slimes describe things before, like you did with the bats:QuoteThe cavern shook softly. The leather-wings nested in the caves, feasting on fruits of the cave-peach tree. Teeth that could shred a man right down to the bone, but nothing to a slime.
I think that the bit that really breaks the immersion for me is the "sculpted breasts". These are slimes which, as far as I can tell, are nothing more then amorphous blobs of protoplasm encased in a thicker membrane. How would something like that know what "sculpted breasts" (or, for that matter, "woman") would look like?
The ending also bothered me - you've squished two different ends together that shouldn't be able to coexist:
1) Our hero slime flees from the Beegirl, then hides in a crevice for a goodly time before coming out, small and weak from hunger.
and
2) Our hero slime runs into the Beegirl again, but the two other slimes, mortally wounded, appear and save our hero.
If other slimes are so badly wounded, they should've died off a long time before the hero stopped hiding.
Alternatively, I'm misreading, and the "A crash and blinding light" is a hallucination brought on by the Beegirl killing the hero, and the hero grabbing the Orb is all just in the hero's head(-like protuberance) as its membrane dissolves.
Alternatively, I'm really off, and your use of (shim/zhe/zer) has completely befuddled me.
Wow. Never expected someone to reply to this. I agree with you about the perceptions of the beegirls being off. I think I was getting tired at that point and just wanted to finish the story without reworking it... pure laziness. There should probably have been a scene in the middle where the hero slime regains its strength, but slimes are pretty durable anyway as long as they can close their skin over the wound. Fire is their enemy.
Maybe it was a hallucination, who knows? :) Re: shim/zhe I have no idea how to use inter-gender pronouns, so I just used all the things. They're probably made up too.
Thank you for the great insight!
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on May 11, 2012, 09:49:28 pm
Post by: Phantom of The Library on May 11, 2012, 09:57:08 pm
I should be able to start managing it again and giving critiques in a week or so when I'll finally have significant amounts of free time again.
I'll look through the thread and actually get around to adding the resources that have been submitted, in the future though: PM any you want to add to me so that I don't miss any as I won't always have the time to read through the entire thing.
Post by: Tiruin on May 11, 2012, 10:09:07 pm
Watching this with happiness at all the stories in.
Post by: Supermikhail on May 18, 2012, 03:15:07 pm
Secondly I wanted to ask what you think about that other thread. Myself, I'm sort of confused. I was even more confused when that thread got resurrected after this thread had been created. Admittedly, I used the occasion for my own nefarious means (the poll there). I guess my problem is that I think really this kind of threads is about the community, and I don't like when this community is spread thinly. A couple days ago a guy posted his... sketch in that thread and has got no reply, and I feel kind of bad about it, but on the other hand it is not my responsibility. So I guess I'm also asking in this thread if it's okay if I lock that one. And your opinion on the thread, although I know sort of the "official position" stated in the OP, but in case your opinion is different.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on May 18, 2012, 05:17:09 pm
I think everyone would benefit from any teachings on the subject, so I vote 'yay'
Post by: xRDVx on May 19, 2012, 10:00:24 am
A story idea has been knocking around in my head for a while, I think it's time to let it free. It's hot off the presses, enjoy.Spoiler: The gap that's missing (click to show/hide)
As a reader, I liked it. It kept myself from doing anything other than breathing. I did take the "we know where every single atom is" is an exaggeration, while they knowing everything not being. Suspension of disbelief takes care of the "we can't see you nor hear you". The president shooting him without checking where we was, I assume has to do with "Rule of Cool" and because our man was tied up, thus in predictable posture.
I'd like to hear more about it :D
Post by: Supermikhail on May 19, 2012, 03:09:28 pm
You've got a natural phenomenon. You make a hypothesis to explain it. You test the hypothesis experimentally. If the hypothesis consistently predicts the results, you tell other people about it. If their experiments corroborate your results, you make the hypothesis a working theory.
How I used to see the writing process:
Spoiler: Continue (click to show/hide)
Post by: lordnincompoop on May 20, 2012, 02:23:35 pm
I considered posting it in the Writer's Guild thread, where I've had workable feedback given to me before, but decided to place it in the more active thread instead. Namely, this one.
I'll share my thoughts and further details on it (and the opinions of one or two others I've given this piece, should you wish) after I've heard a few opinions; I hope you don't mind.
Spoiler: Clinic (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on May 20, 2012, 02:59:23 pm
Wrote a nice philosophical observation this morning though, after playing piano.
http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/art/Datastream-303258045 (http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/art/Datastream-303258045)
Post by: Spinal_Taper on May 23, 2012, 04:36:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: AlStar on May 24, 2012, 02:06:14 pm
I've got a piece here. It's 1540 words long, so it's a little lengthier than what one usually seems to find here, but it's not a tome.
I considered posting it in the Writer's Guild thread, where I've had workable feedback given to me before, but decided to place it in the more active thread instead. Namely, this one.
I'll share my thoughts and further details on it (and the opinions of one or two others I've given this piece, should you wish) after I've heard a few opinions; I hope you don't mind.
“Clinic.”
I enjoyed reading this - I think it offers an excellent insight into the perhaps not-too-distant future, and the complications that come from being 'only' human.
I think the only question I have about it is that at the end of the story, the protagonist decides to get an ocular upgrade, which would apparently give him a leg up on his peers and somehow give him the chance to help build that tree house he was always putting off for the kids... except that I don't see how an ocular system would help those things. The benefits of other upgrades that we're told about before: perfect memory or only needing to sleep a couple of hours a day (reminds me of the web comic Power Nap (http://www.powernapcomic.com/), which deals with the same thing,) provide obvious benefits to the average working Joe. But improved eyesight? I'll admit, I just don't see how that'll give him a leg up.
Post by: AlStar on May 24, 2012, 02:48:19 pm
I rewrote a rather famous story. Please rate it.
"No John"
Some issues that I came across as I read:
While very descriptive, I'm having a really hard time figuring out exactly what's going on with the lights. They're letting out a final spark... but then "bursting into the air like fireworks into the night sky" - it just doesn't seem to make sense, unless John is tripping his balls off.
I'd probably mention that his name tag has him as John Stalvern, but that his medals, or something else, shows him as a fourteen-year veteran. It'd be an odd nametag that reads "Joe Smith, 20 year veteran"
Cernel = Colonel, I assume? Rank, not a name?
"the spacecrafts" should probably just be "spacecraft".
"earth, and soar" should probably be "Earth to soar"
"I want to be on the ships daddy.", should probably be "I want to be on that ship, daddy."
"you will be kill by" -> "you will be killED by"
Why does he target, of all things, the WALL? Is it a demonic wall? You're going to have to give some kind of reasoning behind him wanting the wall dead, otherwise it just looks odd.
"He going to kill us!" -> "He'S going to kill us!"
"I will shoot at him!" I'd nuke this piece of dialog, personally. Alternatively, if it must be spoken, have the Cyberdaemon shout (not declare) "I'll shoot him!"
but too late, when he fired the rocket-missiles, the marine plasmaed at him, trying to blew him up.
Did you stop trying? Admit it, you totally stopped trying here. I'd say "but too late, before he was able to fire off his rockets, the marine's plasma rifle fired with deadly intent."
I'll leave the rest alone, but I'll note that it's generally hard to look down at yourself when you've been crushed by metric tons of concrete and steel.
Note: I can't get to the youtube link, so if the story is supposed to be a little campy and confusing (KILL ALL THE WALLS!), then my bad.
Post by: Spinal_Taper on May 24, 2012, 06:42:04 pm
It's based off of a horribly written fan-fic. I decided to rewrite it, but keep the dialogue the same along with a few word spellings, for example plasmaed and rocket-missles. The first three are all my mistakes, the later ones are elements I carried over from the original. If you'd like me to post a text form of the original I can.I rewrote a rather famous story. Please rate it.
"No John"
Some issues that I came across as I read:
While very descriptive, I'm having a really hard time figuring out exactly what's going on with the lights. They're letting out a final spark... but then "bursting into the air like fireworks into the night sky" - it just doesn't seem to make sense, unless John is tripping his balls off.
I'd probably mention that his name tag has him as John Stalvern, but that his medals, or something else, shows him as a fourteen-year veteran. It'd be an odd nametag that reads "Joe Smith, 20 year veteran"
Cernel = Colonel, I assume? Rank, not a name?
"the spacecrafts" should probably just be "spacecraft".
"earth, and soar" should probably be "Earth to soar"
"I want to be on the ships daddy.", should probably be "I want to be on that ship, daddy."
"you will be kill by" -> "you will be killED by"
Why does he target, of all things, the WALL? Is it a demonic wall? You're going to have to give some kind of reasoning behind him wanting the wall dead, otherwise it just looks odd.
"He going to kill us!" -> "He'S going to kill us!"
"I will shoot at him!" I'd nuke this piece of dialog, personally. Alternatively, if it must be spoken, have the Cyberdaemon shout (not declare) "I'll shoot him!"
but too late, when he fired the rocket-missiles, the marine plasmaed at him, trying to blew him up.
Did you stop trying? Admit it, you totally stopped trying here. I'd say "but too late, before he was able to fire off his rockets, the marine's plasma rifle fired with deadly intent."
I'll leave the rest alone, but I'll note that it's generally hard to look down at yourself when you've been crushed by metric tons of concrete and steel.
Note: I can't get to the youtube link, so if the story is supposed to be a little campy and confusing (KILL ALL THE WALLS!), then my bad.
Post by: Phantom of The Library on May 28, 2012, 12:49:15 pm
Mikhail:
That's how I used to think myself, now days I do more stream of consciousness with a little pre-planning.
There are a couple things I disagree with:
First, it doesn't smack of wishful thinking, part of the challenge of writing is making sure that everything fits together, and that's a problem even the most famous author's have.
Second, if you had to be qualified to release a hypothesis then nobody would ever submit anything, as the saying goes: everyone has to start somewhere.
And some advice (although I'm probably unqualified, and you thought of this already):
I think that planning every event out step by step from the beginning and then actually sitting down and doing the writing part might work for you if you haven't already tried that.
I also find that adding in things from your life or at least things that remind you of things in your life makes you less likely to leave it behind, I'm not saying that it's guaranteed to make you stick with it, but I at least find that it helps.
I'm having a bit of trouble putting my thoughts down right now, so forgive me if this doesn't make any sense, or if I'm just stating what you already know :I
Post by: Supermikhail on May 29, 2012, 05:37:53 am
Quote
making sure that everything fits togetherwhen there's no reason to think that it does. And all "evidence" points to there not being a connection. Like the fact that story ideas are independent products of imagination, and their cause-effect relationship doesn't extend further than the mental context in which they were conceived.
But I realize there's no reason fiction writing should be only approached rationally. You can approach anything any way you want if it makes you happy - the thing is I haven't found that approach to writing. At least to writing epic long overwhelming sagas that I dream of.
I think you misunderstood me, and your advice isn't helpful not because I think you're unqualified but because it doesn't apply to my situation. I don't have a problem with leaving things behind. I can hold on to ideas pretty well, it's not making them real what bothers me. I tried adding things from my life, I tried sticking to a central idea, I tried writing with eyes shut... And now, I must confess, I've tried abandoning all my fruitless ideas and starting afresh and it isn't working.
I've been told a couple of times that the problem is my perfectionism. Maybe. And per some people's advice I tried stopping being a perfectionist, and it didn't make me happier. But neither this nor the previous post are actually about asking for advice, mind you, and I wish you didn't go down this street, but I can understand having trouble putting thoughts down - it happens to me all the time.
Post by: Phantom of The Library on May 29, 2012, 04:58:34 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 01, 2012, 02:40:46 am
Post by: Willfor on June 01, 2012, 05:28:33 am
Post by: Supermikhail on June 01, 2012, 10:30:33 am
In any case, now I can't say "nobody is writing anything", but "almost nobody is writing anything". And I remember that at this forum there's at least 2 people who are capable of writing consistently, because they are getting paid for it, regardless of the kind of writing, and, I think, 7 people who aspire to get where the 2 people have gotten. Yep, I've got the numbers and I ain't letting go of them.
I guess all these people are working on their first/next novel.
At least they could post updates on its progress which is related to the progress of their apprenticeship.
In case some of them aren't writing anything right now, I have an idea for a collaborative project. I wonder if anyone'd care for it.
Post by: Ehndras on June 01, 2012, 01:45:56 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 01, 2012, 01:57:33 pm
Post by: Phantom of The Library on June 01, 2012, 02:14:22 pm
@Mikhail: I would be interested in a collab, but I have too many projects on my plate at the moment, maybe in a few months if you don't get any other offers? I can't make any guarantees though, I may just end up with more on my plate by then.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 01, 2012, 02:40:46 pm
Rright... this way: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3301114#msg3301114 (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3301114#msg3301114)
I mean, I'm sure he can do it himself, but I'm just curious what you intend to do about it, and what it's gonna change.
Post by: Ehndras on June 01, 2012, 03:03:38 pm
Re: Ehndras
Rright... this way: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3301114#msg3301114 (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg3301114#msg3301114)
I mean, I'm sure he can do it himself, but I'm just curious what you intend to do about it, and what it's gonna change.
Hmm? Critiques.
It might not be a fictional piece, but it has its own nuances, grammatical issues, and must flow and describe well. While analyzing a fiction piece is often more about how 'real' it feels, non-fictional pieces are more about how well the message is expressed... Effectively the same thing, psychologically.
tldr; tell me if it sucks and what I can do to make it sound better. :P It'd be pretty stupid if I'd need to make up a character name and a setting just to express the same exact thing, though that's pretty much what all of my writing is; I make up a character and situation to express what I'm feeling or observing at a particular moment in time.
Post by: Ehndras on June 01, 2012, 03:05:20 pm
http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/art/Undying-Dream-276006905?q=gallery%3Amaximilian-aurea%2F11969550&qo=8 (http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/art/Undying-Dream-276006905?q=gallery%3Amaximilian-aurea%2F11969550&qo=8)
Post by: Supermikhail on June 01, 2012, 03:19:15 pm
Is your intended audience Bay12ers or someone like them?
What is your ideal critique situation? A single dedicated person, a fair sample of the population, the majority, the top critics?
Post by: Willfor on June 01, 2012, 03:32:57 pm
Projected progress:
(http://img.ie/99265.png)
--
I'm excited about this one. Excited enough to not want to risk its chances of publication by posting excerpts anywhere. I might post snippets when I have more of it done, but my brother is acting as my primary audience until I have something to show for it. I'm going to finish this one if it kills me. I'm going to finish this one if it kills other people.
>:[ <- Angry face of determination!!
Post by: Supermikhail on June 01, 2012, 04:00:43 pm
Albeit if I understand writing at all, it's those 4350 words that are going to get cut during the final editing, so I don't know what you're fretting about. ::)
I can't get excited about any attempts any more. I've been almost up to 20,000 - I believe I could have gone up to the coveted 50,000. And would have hated it. My problem is plotting, which I simply can't do on my own. I figure I'm going to write for the Internet (and with the help of the Internet) until I've got a best-reading novel, and then I'll know that I've got the knack, so to say, to write something to publish.
Now, first I need to get the knack of enlisting the help of the Internet.
Post by: Willfor on June 01, 2012, 04:12:09 pm
pretty spectacular, if somewhat confusing.This tends to describe far more of my writing that I would care to admit.
I kind of wish it was true that I'm going to lop 4,000 words off the beginning of what I've already written, but I think I need to add 10,000 words to a point earlier on the timeline before I can do that. And then cut 9,000 of those added words. I started WAY too deep into the actual story, and my Act 1 is a bit of a mess right now because of it. I actually hate my first chapter with a passion, but I refuse to go back and fix it until I've got a first draft finished. I can see this taking at least three drafts before I get the beginning right.
I believe it was some flaming ninjas amidst a bear huntThat's ... pretty damn close to what it was too. And I'm even using the same main character as that one featured in this book!
This book is basically a mash-up of a ton of my favorite things I've done in my previous works. I've cherry-picked my best, tried to fit as much awesome as I can into the outline, and now I've got to try to tame this beast of a book. I was too afraid to start writing it for 3 weeks, but it's going better than I thought it would.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 01, 2012, 04:41:54 pm
I started WAY too deep into the actual storyOkay, stop that. Last time you added 10,000 years of exposition to your story, it was unbearable. And I think I told you that then, and still you keep doing that... Are you a George Martin fan? Did you actually mean 180,000 words instead of 90,000?
...Just kidding... A bit of chitchat. ::)
I mean I'm not actually trying to give critique without seeing the piece first. But you're making me sort of suspicious. How much of a need to add 10,000 words in front do you feel?
Post by: Willfor on June 01, 2012, 05:51:21 pm
I have a story that has an inciting event. This inciting event ties the entire story together. The event sparks a social change within a society that prompts a conflict between several factions. The story that the novel follows primarily involves characters caught up in that conflict, and how they react when the world changes around them. There is a definite overarching plot of how these characters not only react to, but ultimately steer the conflict that the inciting event sparked.
The inciting event happens directly in chapter 1 with very little explanation of the context of this event. My current feeling is that without just a little more context, people are going to be jolted with the fact that the thing that literally makes my entire novel work happens about 1000 words into it.
Maybe I'm just paranoid though! But that would be my reasoning behind adding a somewhat larger word count to the beginning.
Post by: Ehndras on June 01, 2012, 06:45:53 pm
Okay, I've got a couple of questions.
Is your intended audience Bay12ers or someone like them?
What is your ideal critique situation? A single dedicated person, a fair sample of the population, the majority, the top critics?
Ideal? Well, no one has ever offered critique on my damn philosophical observations and rantings, I just get mountains of praise; which honestly pisses me off. Sure, tell me you love it, but explain why. The vocabulary? The rhythm? The flow of words? The emotions painted? The message? Make's me rage.
Its like handing in a painstakingly-crafted multi-page report to your college professor, they hand it back to you saying "Acceptable" and give you no information on what grade you have, how 'acceptable' it is, what you might have f*cked up, etc.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 02, 2012, 02:34:06 am
My basic situation:Whoah! Now, name me a single work of fiction that started with social commentary instead of an inciting event. That's right - the Tale of Two Cities... Er.
I have a story that has an inciting event. This inciting event ties the entire story together. The event sparks a social change within a society that prompts a conflict between several factions. The story that the novel follows primarily involves characters caught up in that conflict, and how they react when the world changes around them. There is a definite overarching plot of how these characters not only react to, but ultimately steer the conflict that the inciting event sparked.
The inciting event happens directly in chapter 1 with very little explanation of the context of this event. My current feeling is that without just a little more context, people are going to be jolted with the fact that the thing that literally makes my entire novel work happens about 1000 words into it.
Maybe I'm just paranoid though! But that would be my reasoning behind adding a somewhat larger word count to the beginning.
Alright, we'll wait and see. If it's going the way you're saying it's going, 10,000 words isn't so much. The only requirement for a beginning is that it has to be engaging, and the easiest way, as I see it, is to make something outrageous happen... Or I guess, to keep hinting at the something outrageous that will happen somewhere later in the story. Or spend some dough on marketing...
Okay, I've got a couple of questions.
Is your intended audience Bay12ers or someone like them?
What is your ideal critique situation? A single dedicated person, a fair sample of the population, the majority, the top critics?
Ideal? Well, no one has ever offered critique on my damn philosophical observations and rantings, I just get mountains of praise; which honestly pisses me off. Sure, tell me you love it, but explain why. The vocabulary? The rhythm? The flow of words? The emotions painted? The message? Make's me rage.
Its like handing in a painstakingly-crafted multi-page report to your college professor, they hand it back to you saying "Acceptable" and give you no information on what grade you have, how 'acceptable' it is, what you might have f*cked up, etc.
Whoah, hold your horses, Johnny-boy! That was, frankly, just a couple of simple questions to understand your position better (not an invitation to rant ::)). But I can understand it - all writers are frustrated by the fact that the world isn't going the way they envision it should (or hallucinate, in some instances).
So, what I've found out about your position (by inference) is that you don't think your writing is good and you want someone to tell you why. While mountains of persons extol the virtues of your philosophical observations. Er... I kind of see a conflict there. Or maybe I'm missing something because of the lack of data.
Post by: Ehndras on June 02, 2012, 01:00:41 pm
I was the captain and editor of the art club in high school, have published dozens of poems, captain of the art club, volunteer and community representative in my region, award-winning debater on my high school's debate team... But I don't really see any of that as worth much praise.
I've never really been able to take praise. Every time I get a compliment I sort of expect to hear someone instantly chime in how worthless I am and how the person is a fucking idiot for trying to salvage my shitty self-esteem by lying about how terrible I am at everything. Just a depressing, unfortunate relic of a terrible childhood.
I've gotten past all my anxiety issues, severe depression, OCD, anxiety disorders, panic attacks, all sorts of shit, but that lingering 'You're worthless' voice has been there too long for me ever to truly silence it.
You can see if in my work, to be honest. Its a constant battle against myself, trying to redeem my spirit for crimes committed as well as a perceived dishonor.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 02, 2012, 02:19:23 pm
Okay, I'll pass on this one. I'm not a psychologist, and this ball of twine is too complicated for me to tackle. If I were to attempt an analysis, I'd say that's exactly the issue - maybe all the reviewers find your writing too complicated, or even sophisticated (who knows? I sure don't because I didn't go past a couple lines of that essay ::) I would say that's just not my genre, to be frank). As a way of pre-empting your inner demons I'd like to point out that this is just a hypothesis, a guess, and has no relation to my view of your personality, with which I'm not acquainted well enough to involve my view of it here.
I'm just gonna add that there's no necessary contradiction between being good and becoming better. There's actually not even a contradiction between being the best and becoming better, if you take time into account. But that's just picking on words.
Post by: Ehndras on June 02, 2012, 03:26:30 pm
Psychology is my strong suit, and my profession of choice. I can give you a hyper-complex analysis of my personality, causes of my quirks, and methods of treatment, but It'd be pages and pages long.
I don't really worry about that anymore. I've gone beyond my old self-esteem issues and today I just choose not to let myself get cocky about anything. It doesn't matter how good you are at something, there's always room for improvement and being cocky just makes a douche of you. :) If anyone ever asks me, I'm an adequate writer, nothing more. Let them judge my ability and technique themselves, rather than through my own subjective opinion of self.
Off that topic now, yeah. My philosophical works generally caters to a crowd more into reading sophisticated, macabre and/or ethereal pieces of a more vague and questioning nature, most likely due to my intense love of Greek philosophy, Lovecraft, and Nietzsche. Most folks who read my typical poetry can't wrap their heads around my philosophical work, so I tend to keep it separate from my super-dense musings about the meaning of life... :P
Once I get through some more Lore, I'll post a short story for something anyone can critique. Wait... I know! Here's an old short story thing that I later tied into my Scifi. Its just random really, no particular setting or backstory. It was done for some event thing protesting the abuse of military power as well awareness for the needs and lives of individual soldiers. Its... A bit of a mess. I never really edited, just posted it as is. The ACTUAL short story ends at the --- --- ---, the rest is a continuation/random thing I added for effect later on.
---
To Wish Upon a Fallen Star‘
A weathered television screen slowly comes into view as a barely audible news report begins its broadcast. Behind a nervous news reporter, a frantic mass surges forward from a crowded side-street, while a Global Defense Force Urban Pacification unit prepares to clash with sign-wielding protesters. Several Molotov cocktails can be seen jutting out from overcoats and jacket pockets, while others grasp makeshift clubs made of varying lengths of pipe; the protesters’ grips tightening at the approach of armored troops, assault weapons in hand. One makeshift sign reads “Where lies Freedom now?,” held by a frightened teen sporting a simple summer dress of faded yellow; contrasting the bleak urban cityscape which surrounds her. Flashing an uncertain half-smile in the camera’s direction, she walks into the open arms of destiny, as the writhing mass approaches the GDF checkpoint.
Zooming in on the blockaded intersection, the camera focuses on a lone GDF officer; the customary black uniform marked by a gray armband containing a single black star. Barking orders at his men, the GDF troops fall into a phalanx-like formation, and commence their forward march; weapons aimed out towards the uneasy crowd, covered by their tactical shields. A small number of protesters break off from the mass of bodies, treading cautiously towards the GDF position, while the rest trail close behind. As more and more citizens seep into the crowded avenue from adjacent side-streets, the GDF troops tighten their formation and fire nerve gas canisters into the crowd. The so-called “non-lethal” neutralizing agents are quickly absorbed by exposed human flesh, dropping a number of protesters to their knees.
In seconds, the flood of human bodies threatens to overcome the GDF defensive line, ebbing and flowing like a raging storm. Molotov cocktails are quickly lit and thrown past the crowd into the GDF front-line, littering the ground with shards of shattered glass and burning globs of homemade napalm. Raising their shields to deflect all incoming projectiles, the GDF formation reaches the crowd as the commanding officer gives his final order.
Gazing out towards the raging horde, born from the oppression of mankind’s collective voice and the tyranny of our world’s governing powers, a single powerful emotion can be seen upon his face.
Utter disdain.
Gripping a custom Heckler & Koch Mark 23 .45 ACP, his arm steadily approaches center-mass as he takes aim at the incoming wave of unarmed protesters; a twisted, apathetic smirk flickering upon his face, as his finger brushes across the safety. ”Eliminate… Everything”, he hoarsely shouts, as his pistol violently erupts into the crowd; once at first, and then again… And again… And again…
In a single moment the landscape changes from an oppressive sea of gray and black, into a torrent of blazing gunfire and concussive explosive blasts, spreading shrapnel and terror across the populated avenue. The bodies of the unknown begin to fall unceremoniously, eyes widened in horror as their comrades are torn apart by a hail of armor-piercing rounds. While the deafening onslaught of military-grade heavy weaponry clears a bloody path through the chaotic mass, the wall of armored steel marches further across a sea of red and black; weathered asphalt below their feet, littered with spent shells.
Once again the camera focuses on that young girl and her dress of faded yellow. Oblivious to the hell unleashed around her, a blissful half-smile is painted upon her youthful face as her wisp-like hair flows in the faint breeze. She stands there, in the center of it all, as if she were the final bastion of hope for humanity in a time of death and utter destruction; surrounded by the remnants of man’s voice of freedom, each of them forever silenced.
Suddenly, she is standing before the wall of black-clad GDF soldiers, only a few feet away from the smoking barrels of their rifles. Like a bright flower amid barren desert sands, she stands tall before the carnage; the sole survivor of an insignificant protest in the name of nonexistent human rights. Emitting a radiant smile, she casts a shadow of inexplicable doubt upon the soldier’s minds, lighting a tiny spark of guilt-ridden humanity within a few of them… A moment later, a single bullet pierces her skull; her body seems to fall endlessly, gliding downwards in slow-motion like the last leaf of Fall from a great oak tree. Without a sound, her body slams into the pavement, her yellow dress specked with blood. The black-clad officer lowers his pistol, as the tell-tale clink-clink of a single spent shell clatters to the ground. Each soldier watches her fall from grace, as the officer’s uncaring footsteps march in the opposite direction. Frozen in time, each of their gazes fall upon a crumpled heap, somehow clawing at their sanity from within. As if the crowning piece of magnificence upon a painter’s masterpiece work, she adds the final touch of perfection to a day nearly gone. Their hearts sinking, they question themselves and reflect upon a moment which fades away from their grasping minds.
There lies her shattered innocence; all that remains is the glow of her curious eyes, reflected in a great sea of crimson.
— — —
Through blackened sky, a single ephemeral ray is cast down upon the fire-scarred earth; illuminating a towering monolith upon which the following words are inscribed. A massive list of names are intricately carved into its’ surface, imbuing the great stone with a mysterious sense of macabre longing… Each word faded by the unforgiving breath and blind progression of time itself.
“Control lies within the absolution of innocence; bend a man to your will, break their mind, and enchain them within their own system, and they shall be yours to dominate.”
The soil bleeds for us all, vomiting back the rotting corpses of the damned, as if protesting the very presence of humanity within its earthly confines. Maggots stir within the flesh, consuming what long ago was forsaken. Shrieking specters dot the sky, screaming into the void of black; the violent inception of light threatens to overcome my shattered senses. Is this what we fought so defiantly for?
Here lie my brothers and sisters; lost forever in the name of greed, tyranny, and religious intolerance. To the blissful world of man, you are isolated incidents of unlikely misfortune. To the unbreakable system, you are a numbered list of statistics. To the undying war machine, you are martyrs of the day’s newest noble cause.
Though society’s memory shall falter, and history shall cease to recall your many names, the soil shall remember the faces of the fallen, until the very earth has turned to ash.”
“…And turn to ash it shall.”
Fifty treacherous years have gone by since the so-called Global Defense Force unleashed a flood of genocide and ethnic cleansing upon humanity, at the murderous hands of the infamous Bureau of Civil Pacification. Under the guise of an international peacekeeping movement – fortified by well-financed propaganda and questionable political connections – the GDF utilized their growing influence to install themselves into governments, banks and military organizations worldwide; in a few years’ time, they would gain absolute control of the global market, ensuring their rise as sovereign lords of The System.
Imperceptibly at first, the face of world government began to change; Laws were subtly modified to suit the militaristic agenda of our new leaders, as more aggressive and politically-inclined GDF-affiliated officers soon came into power. Military funding rose to historical heights as our people were gradually enslaved by government control; every aspect of our daily lives to eventually be monitored and designated by The System.
Sometimes I wonder if the entire war could have been avoided… I still shiver as I envision the ash-scarred faces of children who were burned alive in their mothers’ arms during GDF’s constant fire-bombing raids, their frozen expressions of terror and tiny mouths open in eternal silence… Much too late, it was discovered that the alleged high-risk ‘terrorist‘ targets had been nothing more than hungry union workers and worried protesters angered by the GDF’s adamant grip on food supply routes. Though GDF corruption and abuse spread through each city with the , their widespread influence ensured that any opponents of GDF control would quietly ‘disappear’. We can only guess at the number of mass graves one might find if they travel far enough into GDF-held territory.
Post by: Ehndras on June 02, 2012, 03:28:23 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 02, 2012, 04:18:40 pm
You do know that you don't get good karma for old unedited writing? (Read: I'm making an impression of your personality here!) Also, here's why I chose not to post in this thread in the past much (besides psychological issues - yep, shit going down on this end, too; put on hold for the period of this writing): if a piece is boring I won't strain to snuff out grammar and adverbs. And "boring" is not much of a critique, is it?
Well, here comes the expanded version:
The real-time present-tense approach shields me from any emotion I might experience, surprisingly.
I guess the girl in the first paragraph is a strong point - I could care about her.
Okay, I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you went a more conventional way I could engage in this story. You seem to be going for painting a picture, and the problem with it, as I see it, is that you can take in an actual picture in a second and decide if it's genius or crap, whereas with writing you have to work your way through visualization - minutes upon precious minutes. ::) If you could convey the same thing in such a way that the picture could be taken in like an actual picture - maybe I could read in further.
The philosophy section is better in that respect, but without a protagonist I was lost at the third paragraph for what it was going for.
:Says a person who most likely belongs to the wrong crowd for this stuff, but who has been trying to cater to the actual crowd of this place and bases his outlook on writing upon his perceived characteristics of that crowd.
Post by: Ehndras on June 02, 2012, 04:53:38 pm
Aye, thank you for your opinion. I mostly posted that because its the only 'short story' I could easily find that I hadn't already posted here, and I realized I have been posting way too many off-topic things in response to other people's inquiries. That was a mainly visual piece, as you said, meant to serve as an emotional introduction to a later story, in which it shows how deeply screwed-up the nation has become - a precursor to the much more complex genetic opera that causes a nuclear world war, which is also just a vague precursor to the actual story that takes place a good 10,000 years after Earth is wiped out. Mostly just writing exercises to get myself into the proper mood. :) I was hoping to create an animation sequence of the story, hence the strangely screenplay-like manner of storytelling rather than my usual past-tense 1st/3rd person style, but never got around to it. *shrug*
Hmm, not sure if I understood your comment correctly regarding the girl. The girl from the first paragraph is the same girl that gets shot, hence the repeating mention of her yellow dress.
Post by: Phantom of The Library on June 02, 2012, 08:23:50 pm
First I would like to say that it was amazing,
The rhythm and flow is superb, two or three sentences a paragraph with similar patterns throughout makes it more like listening to music than reading.
The ideals of imperfection, yet accepting that, resonate with me slightly in that I am accepting of past mistakes, but I differ in that I berate myself for not attempting to improve in this current state. Overall though, the message is simple and sublime.
Vocabulary and rhythm are pretty much the same to me as far as their usage goes, so for vocabulary the only comment I have is that a better word than analysis could have been used on the second-to-last paragraph, it interrupts the flow slightly. That may be just me though.
I was going to say something about the fact that I can't accept my work as "good enough" yet, even though people looking at my serious projects have told me that I'm at a professional level, but I had the post ready in the morning and forgot to send it, thusly it ended up irrelevant :P
If anyone else has anything that hasn't been criticized at all, tell me and I will do so.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 02, 2012, 09:14:17 pm
-snip-
Post by: Supermikhail on June 03, 2012, 03:31:59 am
Hmm, not sure if I understood your comment correctly regarding the girl. The girl from the first paragraph is the same girl that gets shot, hence the repeating mention of her yellow dress.What I meant was that because of overall style it was hard for me to care for the story, but the vulnerability of the girl made it a little easier.
Post by: Ehndras on June 03, 2012, 01:51:29 pm
http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/art/Datastream-303258045
First I would like to say that it was amazing,and if this isn't the only thing like this you've done, why haven't you tried to get it published!?
The rhythm and flow is superb, two or three sentences a paragraph with similar patterns throughout makes it more like listening to music than reading.
The ideals of imperfection, yet accepting that, resonate with me slightly in that I am accepting of past mistakes, but I differ in that I berate myself for not attempting to improve in this current state. Overall though, the message is simple and sublime.
Vocabulary and rhythm are pretty much the same to me as far as their usage goes, so for vocabulary the only comment I have is that a better word than analysis could have been used on the second-to-last paragraph, it interrupts the flow slightly. That may be just me though.
I was going to say something about the fact that I can't accept my work as "good enough" yet, even though people looking at my serious projects have told me that I'm at a professional level, but I had the post ready in the morning and forgot to send it, thusly it ended up irrelevant :P
If anyone else has anything that hasn't been criticized at all, tell me and I will do so.
Thanks for the feedback! :D You're right, that 'analysis' sort of kills the ethereal feel, makes me jump back into reality. I write those motivational poems mainly for a Survivors of Abuse private community I help administrate, being one of the primary contributors for daily and sometimes hourly poems and songs meant to inspire our members as well as a counselor. That one in particular was voicing my feelings on May 20th of this year, particularly in how I finally feel ready to take on the world but don't want to do it alone.
Yeah, I've written dozens and dozens of these, but many of them are so ridiculously dense to read. I write as therapy, to help ease my anxiety and emotional issues. The fact that I have something to show and share is just a 'waste' product of such therapeutic practices. First and foremost, all of my writing is for my own emotional advancement, internal harmony, and sanity. There was a time where I'd burn all of my poetry and stories a-la quasi-pagan ritual, and in 2008 someone robbed me and took the bag that had 8 years of actually recorded writing in it. I just happened to have my entire writing binder, my poetry notebooks, everything, as I was on my way back from the Literary Club in my school. :(
To be quite honest, I've stopped caring about the overall quality of my poetry, heh. Today I challenge myself more with form and rhythm, trying to simplify my work and incorporate rhyme as well. I absolutely despise rhyming and am trying to get myself into the habit.
Here's an example of my -ridiculously- dense, ultra-confusing work full of innuendos and inferences most people (who don't read Lovecraft :P) wouldn't ever understand. I realized after writing this piece that I absolutely LOVE it, but that most people outside of my writing circle wouldn't have a god damn clue what's going on. We're all writers or RPers, Warhammer and Lovecraft fans, and as such, used to the ultra-dense or overly-vivid or downright macabre/confusing flow. They're used to my quasi-'religious' philosophical rantings, this just happens to be one of the few of those I actually bothered to record.
http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d3cq72u (http://maximilian-aurea.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d3cq72u)
If you want, you can go through the other crap on my DeviantArt. Its mostly shitty old romance poems people asked me to put up, but whatever.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 04, 2012, 06:31:30 am
Okay, here's how I sent off my story for the writing sample, but I don't think I should leave it like this. Too cliffhanger-yOkay, I thought I'd come back as a guy who is easily bored.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Would like some advice as to ending or continuing
Well, first sentence and I'm bored - case proven. ::) Starting with, I can't visualize a camera lens lodged precariously in the cloth under an arm. Okay, that may be a failure of imagination on my part. But then, as I go further, I fail to see how the first paragraph could lead to anything awesome and meaningful for me - especially since you say yourself that the bit lacks a satisfactory conclusion.
Maybe if you promise to me that it's gonna get awesome eventually I'll ignore the beginning.
Post by: Ehndras on June 04, 2012, 08:16:50 am
EDIT:
I'm noticing a trend here with crappy camera-related intros.
Post by: AlStar on June 04, 2012, 09:40:51 am
Okay, here's how I sent off my story for the writing sample, but I don't think I should leave it like this. Too cliffhanger-y
...
story
...
Would like some advice as to ending or continuing
You've got some (it's/its) confusion. Don't do that.
For the starting sentence, I don't totally agree with Supermikhail, but you do need to tighten it up a bit. I'd write it like so - "Corwin climbed the battlement, careful of the camera lens lodged precariously in a cloth under his arm."
You went rather insane on the commas here: "Anyway though, the Big Magazine hired me to go out and capture pictures of the wild frontier, especially, if I could, get one of such a beast as we’re watching for tonight. And since I had business out here, I might as well take the special night equipment too.”
My suggested revision: "Anyway, the Big Magazine hired me to go out and capture pictures of the wild frontier; especially shots of beasts like the one we're watching for tonight. Since I had business out here, I figured I might as well take the night equipment too."
Overall, I think you've got some decent dialoging skills, in that Corwin and Willis sound natural speaking with eachother. Unfortunately, I think most of the impact of that is undone by the fact that, for the most part, they aren't really talking about anything. We learn a lot about the camera, a little about the background of both men, a tiny bit about the location. Ideally, I think we'd want to learn a lot more about the 'wild frontier' where the story is set, since it sounds a lot more exciting then setting up a camera.
I think that the ending is actually pretty good. Yes, it's cliffhanger-y, but if you've got to end on a couple lines of dialog, you picked some good ones for that purpose.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 04, 2012, 12:50:37 pm
I've always had a bit of a problem with run-on sentences. I guess it comes from paranoia of being too terse in a boring way, but again it looks like I could certainly stand to be more terse.
For the camera, I was imagining a gigantic early camera, with a huge, hand-ground lense. I suppose that I really should visualize better, as reading through again it sounds confusing. A bit more exposition as to the frontier would also be good, too.
For the dialogue, I was trying to create a sense of making conversation to stave off nervousness. A few lines hinting about being scared of the dragon would probably be a good idea.
Post by: Ehndras on June 04, 2012, 12:56:44 pm
Post by: fqllve on June 05, 2012, 07:55:53 am
To Wish Upon a Fallen Star‘
I hate to be a pedant, but the semicolon use in this is totally scattershot. For example in this sentence
Quote
Several Molotov cocktails can be seen jutting out from overcoats and jacket pockets, while others grasp makeshift clubs made of varying lengths of pipe; the protesters’ grips tightening at the approach of armored troops, assault weapons in hand.'the protesters' grips. . .' is imperfective and occurring simultaneously along with the preceding clause, which generally renders it dependent. Actually you run into this error a lot, which I would guess means you weren't particularly comfortable in the simple present. But really, it works the same way as the imperfective does in the past. 'He opened the door, wondering where he had been all night.' In these sentences you can substitute in a while (although in a the present tense you'd have to make the verb perfective: 'while the protesters' grips tightened. . .'), which further proves the clause is subordinate.
In another sentence
Quote
Zooming in on the blockaded intersection, the camera focuses on a lone GDF officer; the customary black uniform marked by a gray armband containing a single black star.The second clause is actually non-finite. To finitize it you'd have to add a was before the verb. The same is true of the next sentence, which also has a non-finite dependent clause.
In this sentence
Quote
While the deafening onslaught of military-grade heavy weaponry clears a bloody path through the chaotic mass, the wall of armored steel marches further across a sea of red and black; weathered asphalt below their feet, littered with spent shells.the second clause ('the wall of armored steel. . .') is actually independent and needs to be set off with a semicolon. However, the part following the semicolon is actually just a long noun phrase.
Quote
“Control lies within the absolution of innocence; bend a man to your will, break their mind, and enchain them within their own system, and they shall be yours to dominate.I would actually use a colon for this sentence, because the second part logically follows from the first and is a clarification thereof. But that's more personal taste than anything.
In fact, before the break there are only two sentences with a properly used semicolon.
Quote
A moment later, a single bullet pierces her skull; her body seems to fall endlessly, gliding downwards in slow-motion like the last leaf of Fall from a great oak tree.
Quote
There lies her shattered innocence; all that remains is the glow of her curious eyes, reflected in a great sea of crimson.Afterwards there's a much better ratio, which seems to suggest you'd gotten a better handle on it, although I'd still say about half of them in the second section are unnecessary.
The story itself is well-told but a bit dry. There's really nothing to grasp onto, no real hook. The fancy prose doesn't really come out until the second section, we're not told what exactly these people are fighting for except the generic freedom, which it seems like every cause uses as a justification, and the GDF officer is such an avatar of indiscriminate tyranny it's hard to be interested in his actions. Without a reason to care about the protesters, beyond the brief mention of the girl which is too brief to elicit empathy, and without any curiosity for the officer's actions, which lack depth, it kind of just falls flat.
The writing itself is good, although it seems at times to be a bit self-conscious, however for me it's not good enough, or at least at the beginning not good enough, to hold the story. But that might just be my personal preference for elegant prose to give imagery rather than thematic context.
Anyway, sorry to come down so hard on your semicolon use. It was just such a catalogue of various errors that I thought it would be instructional for everyone for them to be pointed out.
Post by: Ehndras on June 05, 2012, 12:02:22 pm
I've been trying to elicit a commentary on my haphazard(read: half-assed) use of the semicolon for years, but I don't know anyone who actually USES semicolons. I'm not quite sure how to properly use them, instead selecting to string them in wherever it feels 'right'. I use them in my poetry to mark a pause longer than a comma yet shorter than a hyphen - I'd assume I subconsciously carried that over to my actual prose.
You're right about the intro being garbage, I was never satisfied with it. The actual story was rushed: not so much a story, but a Facebook post(totally misused that technique, derp) on a random picture concerning the injustices of war. I didn't feel like putting it into historical context so I instead made up a pseudo-SS idea (Order of the Black Star? C'mon, that one's infamous.) based off of some Third Reich research I had been conducting at the time. Extremely limited in breadth due to its short length and an overall lack of time, I'm quite surprised it was so well-received. I write these short-stories, philosophical essays, and political rants in a space of 1-5 minutes and barely even know what the hell I'm writing. Its like when I compose music... I just experiment and make it up as I go, recording it so that I can later refine what I've come up with.
Except I rarely ever do. <_< Hahaha
Post by: Willfor on June 05, 2012, 12:13:10 pm
Post by: Ehndras on June 05, 2012, 12:30:56 pm
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon
That was strangely informative, thank you.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 05, 2012, 01:02:03 pm
Although in those situations I usually use the thing that might be called the "m-dash", and I suspect it also might be a left-over\carry-over from my school days of Russian grammar. Could someone bother to tell me if I'm completely incorrect in that usage?
Post by: Ehndras on June 05, 2012, 01:26:57 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 05, 2012, 01:30:59 pm
Well, first sentence and I'm bored - case proven. ::)Sorta like that.
I mean there'd be an m-dash if it weren't for the Internet.
Post by: Willfor on June 05, 2012, 01:47:54 pm
It's a strange and wonderful form of punctuation.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 05, 2012, 02:00:05 pm
Anyway, it doesn't really help (Hm...) ; (?) I still don't know what I should have used in that sentence; apparently not a dash; a semi-colon then?
The above sentence is right here my graduation test of the proper usage of the semi-colon.
Post by: Ehndras on June 05, 2012, 02:01:22 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 05, 2012, 02:19:51 pm
In truth, that's what I found on the Internet about dashes some time ago; in other kinds of text (than Internet) there are apparently very different kinds of dashes (and even hyphens). Of course, on the Internet it's all the same kind of thing "-", unless you eavesdrop on some screenwriters who do "--". Maybe I should do it, too, to look especially smart.
Also, when I went into special characters in my word processor I found a cornucopia of various dashes and dash-like structures-- But I'm expounding on the questions you didn't ask (for the one you did ask the answer is somewhere above, although I'm afraid it's a bit undercover).
Post by: fqllve on June 05, 2012, 03:53:17 pm
Anyway, it doesn't really help; I still don't know what I should have used in that sentence, apparently not a dash--a semi-colon then?Personally, I only use semicolons in lit, essays, or professional writing. Otherwise I just use a comma, because no one really cares.
Dashes are generally a stronger form of punctuation than the semicolon, probably best to use them only to replace the colon (another piece of punctuation that I rarely use) or the casually used ellipses (the '...' one not the '. . .' one).
I don't understand why you're calling it an m-dash rather than a dash. M meaning...?Because an em is some obscure typographical unit of measurement and an en is half that. I think they used to be related to the width of the letters M and N, but I'm pretty sure that's no longer true in the case of the former, and absolutely sure it isn't in the case of the latter.
Anyway, the best way to tell the difference between a dependent and independent clause is to
A-Look for a subordinator (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grammatical_conjunction#Subordinating_conjunctions)
B-See if the verb is non-finite, generally meaning it isn't preceded by a form of be, have, do, will, one of the modal verbs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_modal_verb), or inflected with one of the preceding (ie 'ran' can also be glossed as 'did run')
C-Check if it begins with a relativizer (the wh-words and that)
If none of the above apply, you're dealing with two independent clauses so use a semicolon. tl;dr: 'Too long; didn't read' doesn't need one because too long is just an adjective. 3:
Post by: WillowLuman on June 05, 2012, 07:55:48 pm
Yeah...
Post by: Supermikhail on June 07, 2012, 08:19:51 am
So as not to leave this reply completely non-thought provoking, I'll add the following deep philosophical observation. Yeah, I know my previous reply didn't make a whole lot of sense, and it probably would have been better, smarter, and more honest to say that I don't remember, but I'm reading a Douglas Adams book and just can't help attempting whimsy. I'm still reading it, so I can't promise anything about this reply.
So, there was time I turned an alarm clock on twice a day and wrote or conceptualized for a half an hour. I can't stop being amazed how much sense and purpose it brought into my life (at least I think it did). It's not just doing something day by day, step by step; I've tried some other activities, like playing guitar, but it just didn't have the same vibe. Maybe it's something about making writing the first and the last thing of the day. Especially an early day. Or maybe it's just nostalgia. Speaking of which.
There's a story I abandoned last fall, and there's a passage in it that I used to be very proud of and (or because) it took me a week or more to come up with. So here's for a trial of my wit:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on June 07, 2012, 08:25:42 am
My twin passions are piano and writing.
I've done so many activities, I sing, compose music, play multiple instruments, draw, paint, and so much more, but nothing makes me feel... Transcendent like playing the piano or writing.
Writing on a plan is good enough, but the best is when I just suddenly get inspire and pop, hours fly by. I don't know what the hell I wrote because I was so into just writing it, hehe, so even reading it over is an adventure for me.
Everyone has a few passions that make life feel like its totally worth it... Music and writing are mine, absolutely damn right they are.
That timer thing sounds really interesting. I've never tried that, but I've done a more loosely 'let me listen to some good music and read some Lovecraft/Nietszche/Etc and see if I get inspired to write'. Reading a good story/philosophy while setting the mood with fitting melodies is one hell of a way to dig through the wall of writer's block and reveal the adamantine thoughts within ;)
Post by: Supermikhail on June 08, 2012, 08:13:33 am
Otherwise, oh crap; I think I've plugged myself into a corner again. You see, for about a month I've been delaying any serious writing attempts on the basis of preparing for the finals and other matters of this kind. Which means, quite expectedly, almost ceaseless procrastination. But the worst part of it is, that in the meantime I still managed to become invested in a couple of ideas (which I have almost no idea how to approach, by the way), while my writing prospect involved complete transcendental disinvestment from ideas and a hope that I would be able to instead con people into giving their ideas to me via a collaboration thread here. I don't think that it's going to work with me now being invested.
On the top of that, I've suddenly become disillusioned in this forum's ability to be conned into giving their ideas to me via a collaboration thread. That makes me pretty depressed, especially since I also came to the conclusion that this forum is the biggest place for this kind of undertaking.
So, people here wouldn't have any advice for my plight, would you?
Post by: Ehndras on June 08, 2012, 09:44:28 am
Post by: Supermikhail on June 08, 2012, 10:01:08 am
Anyway, what's your party usually like? What time do you get together? I imagine it's mostly text, because otherwise I can't imagine an 11-hour voice conversation...
Post by: Ehndras on June 08, 2012, 10:56:30 am
Oh, and Descan. Descan's there too, always sexually harassing me. :P And Askot Bokbondeler, who I was delighted to discover speaks my mother's native tongue. Edio's from my original group too, but he got banned from Skype. <_< Long story, lol.
But anyway, anyone who wants to join us is more than welcome. We play a dozen or so games together (SoTS, Civilization IV/V, minecraft, terraria, The Ship, Etc), RP, discuss everything from global politics to philosophy to quantum physics, and generally have a hell of a time on a regular basis. :)
I've been very absent from the chat group lately, but I should be getting back on. Speaking of that, I should sign into Skype. Derp.
Also, my Scifi/Fantasy project are both steeped in heavy philosophy. My unique approach at gaming is to create an artificial simulation that brings out the highs and lows of your psychological identity and identifies your behavioral cues, which then allows me to profile you and assist you in working out your issues through RP without realizing it.
Effectively, I'm trying to develop a technique for video-game-based therapy ;) Its done a load of good for myself and my more involved players, and has brought us together into what is practically a family setting. We're a lot like argumentative siblings who love each other but argue about complex ideas and whether or not a certain philosophy makes sense or not just because we can, but still. I still haven't forgiven Ashton for starting that 9-hour discussion about Von Neumann self-replicating probes and the alien-contact/civilization paradox following our 4-person game of Sword of the Stars. >:( Lmao, that was entertaining but frustrating as all hell.
Anyway, I'll let you be the judge. I'm just hammering off at the mouth, not even sure what I typed because I'm listening to 3 conversations at work simultaneously and on the phone with an insurance company as well. Derp.
Post by: Ehndras on June 08, 2012, 11:35:32 am
Post by: Ehndras on June 08, 2012, 11:46:17 am
My old players and I spent the last 9 months on skype (god, has it really been nearly a year!?) reworking the entire Hyperion storyline into a MASSIVE, far-reaching multiversal chain of intersecting storylines taking place in various dimensions, galaxies, and entire universes, taking aspects of various genres and RP game ideas and merging them into one all-encompassing system. Its... Really complicated. I'm working on a Wiki to explain the history, which will end up looking like the 50,000 year timeline on the Warhammer 40K wiki <_< (Yes, warhammer is a huge late-game inspiration of mine. Their wiki is INSANELY complicated, I spent half of last week reading the entire content of their wiki :o )
Anyway, here's an example of my Scifi writing style. I was experimenting with a very different type of writing and setting, so there were quite a few kinks, but I feel I incorporated my vivid poetic imagery quite well into the gritty yet non-serious style, especially in Turn 01, which I'll post next. I was just making it up as I went so there's no real order or sense to it.
Spoiler: Rise of Hyperion: V1 - Turn 00 (click to show/hide)
Aaand, turn 01.
Edit 1: Damn, computer freezing, must restart. brb.
Edit 2: Oh look, firefox crashed. IE crashed. Quickbooks crashed. Fuck is up with my work computer?
Post by: Supermikhail on June 08, 2012, 12:31:18 pm
Unfortunately I'm the kind of guy that's tried to get into RP (sort of), who likes to lead, though, and who's never managed it, at least on the Internets. Or to be properly honest, I've never seen much value in it, even when you look at it from the point of view involving therapy. I'm just kind of a loner. My writing problems are, no doubt, related to that (at least from the feedback side).
Anyway, you have some idea of my writing philosophy; so I can't say much positive about that spoiler, starting from the grounds that the beginning has been done to death; although I must compliment your vocabulary - feels quite robust.
I'm up for a party at your e-joint. I'm supermikhail00pa . I'd appreciate it if a group of people could give my problem a bit of thought.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 08, 2012, 12:35:10 pm
Post by: Ehndras on June 08, 2012, 02:35:57 pm
Also, here's the first official turn of the RoH before I took it down and decided to actually make a new RP based off of the massive amount of Scifi content I developed.
Turn 01: Reawaken the Void
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 08, 2012, 02:44:56 pm
I haven't been on these forums in a long time, but when I started writing recently I realised I needed some unbiased feedback.
This was always such a friendly forum, so I came here to check if there were any writing threads and so that's how I found this.
I pretty much have my whole novel planned out in my head, but I really need some advice on how to improve my literary prose, specifically on pacing my choice of words. So I thought I would post the prologue to my novel first, check for feedback, then I can post the first chapter later.
Please don't hold back at all, I want as much criticism as possible. I'm pretty much determined to write this novel no matter what, so I might as well try and make it as good as possible.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ok that's it. Be harsh please. So far I have had only positive feedback from family and friends, which isn't much use for improvement tbh.
Thank you in advance!!!!!!! :)
Post by: Ehndras on June 08, 2012, 04:01:21 pm
Have any of you ever tried to reverse-engineer a poem into a story, or vice-versa? Looking at this old poem, I think I could write a proper short story with it. Opinions?
...And yeah, its written in Haiku. DON'T JUDGE ME. :P
Spoiler: Fates Intertwined (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on June 08, 2012, 04:04:01 pm
Commas, commas everywhere.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 08, 2012, 04:19:27 pm
And this may seem a stupid question, but did you write that poem? It is excellent. Atleast in my opinion. I'm sure a story could be written from it.
Post by: fqllve on June 08, 2012, 06:46:55 pm
And this period of time, that to a mathematician was a constant; five minutes, thirty-two seconds; was melded and stretched until it grew into an era.This sentence in particular was confusing, which I assume is why you used the semicolons, although they didn't really make it much easier to parse. You could combine the second and third clauses into 'that to a mathematician was a constant five minutes, thirty-two seconds. . .' It's not pretty, but at least it's clear.
Add to that the fact that you phrase details in such a way as to make them confusing, 'he knew he was thirteen years of age,' and I get the feeling you were trying to be deliberately obscure. But really, rather than having an air of mystery the whole thing is a bit frustrating because there's never really any reward for having figured it all out and there's not much to compel a person to keep reading, even though it's a difficult read.
Post by: schrocko88 on June 08, 2012, 06:50:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on June 09, 2012, 12:03:05 am
And this may seem a stupid question, but did you write that poem? It is excellent. At least in my opinion. I'm sure a story could be written from it.
Yeah, I wrote it about my ex-fiance back in November of 2009, when I was in high school.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 09, 2012, 08:09:07 am
And thank you for the feedback. I actually wasn't trying to be deliberately obscure :/ I guess I should make some things a little less confusing. I think I just wanted to make my writing a bit more interesting and varied, but if it's frustrating then that is a bad thing.
Thank you :)
Post by: Ehndras on June 09, 2012, 09:57:48 am
You had a fiance when you were in high school...isn't that a little soon...? High school is american for secondary school right? e.g maximum age of 18? (sorry, GB over here)
And thank you for the feedback. I actually wasn't trying to be deliberately obscure :/ I guess I should make some things a little less confusing. I think I just wanted to make my writing a bit more interesting and varied, but if it's frustrating then that is a bad thing.
Thank you :)
She became my fiance after high school, obviously. :P We were together for 4-5 years.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 09, 2012, 10:18:33 am
Anyway, I am going to make a revised "prologue" which I will attempt to improve and upload it at some point.
Things to do:
Less commas
Less confusing sentences
Anything else?
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 09, 2012, 03:40:49 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I know that is quite a lot of writing so for anyone who reads the whole thing I really really really appreciate it.
But I totally understand if someone just reads a bit of it spots something glaringly obvious that I've done wrong and posts.
Thank you!!! :)
Post by: Supermikhail on June 10, 2012, 02:21:54 am
Just a little something I wrote when bored in Spanish class my freshman year of high school. I'm now a sophmore, and still working on this story. Constructively critic me!
words
Well, I guess I'll give it a stab.
The more I read it, the more irritated I became (granted, I only went as far as the first stars; I've glanced forward, and I don't really feel mollified). You had better add a fatal flaw to your protagonist if you choose to start in such a happy situation.
I can't say it enough: engage, engage, engage, engage your motherfucking readers. A fantasy setting alone doesn't cut it. I don't know why I should care for it, unless my girlfriend was molested in a bar or I'm a blacksmith. In the end you could give it an alluring title, like "Beware! Here be dragons! And half-naked princesses! And lots of cruel murder!" Or you could start with a sneak-peak, like "Little did he know that today his village would be wiped off the face of the Earth, the Moon would turn pink, and sheep would start talking," or an enticing summary.
In a sense the clinch came from the phrase "It's a mere nothing." It's obvious you're trying to make it sound fantasy-like, which obviously translates into "Let's make them talk like they wrote in the middle-ages", or like Tolkien tried not to sound, because Tolkien was obviously involved in a big elf cover-up. Sorry, it's the era of realism, and I happen to enjoy it very much, among many people. So, if you could wipe off some butter, I'd appreciate it. And, of course, reading aloud is always helpful.
Post by: schrocko88 on June 10, 2012, 01:02:32 pm
Just a little something I wrote when bored in Spanish class my freshman year of high school. I'm now a sophmore, and still working on this story. Constructively critic me!
words
Well, I guess I'll give it a stab.
The more I read it, the more irritated I became (granted, I only went as far as the first stars; I've glanced forward, and I don't really feel mollified). You had better add a fatal flaw to your protagonist if you choose to start in such a happy situation.
I can't say it enough: engage, engage, engage, engage your motherfucking readers. A fantasy setting alone doesn't cut it. I don't know why I should care for it, unless my girlfriend was molested in a bar or I'm a blacksmith. In the end you could give it an alluring title, like "Beware! Here be dragons! And half-naked princesses! And lots of cruel murder!" Or you could start with a sneak-peak, like "Little did he know that today his village would be wiped off the face of the Earth, the Moon would turn pink, and sheep would start talking," or an enticing summary.
In a sense the clinch came from the phrase "It's a mere nothing." It's obvious you're trying to make it sound fantasy-like, which obviously translates into "Let's make them talk like they wrote in the middle-ages", or like Tolkien tried not to sound, because Tolkien was obviously involved in a big elf cover-up. Sorry, it's the era of realism, and I happen to enjoy it very much, among many people. So, if you could wipe off some butter, I'd appreciate it. And, of course, reading aloud is always helpful.
So would you suggest a prologue maybe?
Post by: fqllve on June 10, 2012, 01:23:26 pm
So would you suggest a prologue maybe?Noooo, prologues are the anti-hook. Save the prologues for dense novels.
Honestly, I felt like you rushed through everything far too quickly for me to form an attachment to the characters or the situation. We have to care about Kimil before we're going worry about her safety. My principle is that the reader should have questions. Not in the sense that they should be confused by what I'm writing but rather that they should anticipate what is going to happen later. So the reader should be asking not "What was the author trying to say here?" but instead "How is this going to resolve? Why is this the way it is? Why would someone behave this way?" and you, as the author, should be prepared to answer those questions because it was you who deliberately planted them in the reader's mind.
If I was going to begin the story I would start with maybe three or four paragraphs describing Kimil in such a way as to make her sympathetic to a reader. Perhaps you could also introduce Connor in that section. Maybe some friendly and amusing banter between the two would be enough to bring suspense to the situation. There are, of course, any number of other ways you could do it, that's just an example.
It might also be that your scenes are so short I'm having trouble actually absorbing what happens. As an abstraction I get it, but actual imagination and visualization doesn't really get of the ground. Everything moves by so quickly that even though I made it about halfway through I don't really remember much about the specifics. It's all very rushed. You should take a little bit of time to dwell in your world, give your readers a moment to breathe and to absorb the information that's being conveyed to them.
So I figured I ought to submit something to this. Please, supply me with only your harshest criticism. :)
Spoiler: The Bull Sermons (click to show/hide)
Post by: Supermikhail on June 10, 2012, 02:12:27 pm
So would you suggest a prologue maybe?
No, I wouldn't. Second, (first being my particular misanthropy nowadays) I believe I know why things are bust, don't mean that I can fix 'em; at least I think if I could I would have written something better myself already. It's like this: if your car got stuck I could get inside, look at the fuel meter and see that it's at zero, but I wouldn't necessarily be able to tell you how to fix it (starting with the fact that you aren't at a gas station right now).
Third, do you think I would look at your story and care for it the way that you do? Assuming the answer is no, what do you think would be the quality of my suggestion? I wouldn't take my suggestion if I were you, so I'll just spare you the trouble of coming up with the reasons why you don't like it.
Fourth, we're still not settled that your story is worth my time to come up with a prologue. You're not offering me any incentive to put in effort there for your sake (of course, you can dispute that it's for your sake only, and then I'll argue that it is). There's this widespread sentiment that giving critique is a worthwhile activity, helpful in the pursuit of writing vocation; when in reality those are usually completely separate - people either succeed at writing or at criticizing, and when they're brilliant at either they pretty much can't say anything coherent about the other side - they either deconstruct or construct. They get to the other side when they're not very successful in their previous choice.
Although, as far as I can see I'm pretty bad at both.
Well, what can you offer me?
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P.S. You can shout at me in reply if you like. I just think this style makes communication more fun. ::)
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It's currently my firm belief that one of the most important things in writing is having something to offer to the reader. I couldn't care less about vampire romance, but some people would be very intrigued; but if you overhype a story I might give it a look just to see what the deal is about; if you overhype it as a teenage angst type I'll turn away, based on the hype; if you give me a page of banalities I'm already gone, although some people would stay because these banalities touch their lives; but if these banalities concern a foreign country, especially one I'm about to go to, or am fascinated with, I'm all yours. There's a lot of drama I don't care for, but you'll grab me if it's about the nature or freedom. If it's from a religious standpoint I'll pass, though. Generic fantasy doesn't do anything for me, and I'm neither a blacksmith, nor do I go to bars. fqlive, I don't pick up anything useful from a skimming of your story, either. Someone dies in the end, but it's this way with half the stories posted here these days, it seems. Maybe you're catering to a crowd whose motivation is to observe as many different ways to die as they can... Wait, you are!
Post by: fqllve on June 10, 2012, 02:29:05 pm
e: I certainly wasn't catering to anybody! His death is a result of his single-minded pursuit, his pride and his egotism. It was the logical consequence of his actions. I felt like it was the natural ending to the story.
Post by: Phantom of The Library on June 10, 2012, 11:46:18 pm
fqllve, I'll get to your story in the morning. And DF if you want more criticism.
ChrissyJane, I find your story rather unimaginative, you should try harder to sound like a real person and focus less on flowers.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 11, 2012, 01:40:42 am
It isn't about the death. It's strange you'd mention it actually, because I consider the death to be the most minor part of the story. How much did you actually read? because, and I'm sorry to sound like a jerk and say this, it seems like you kinda just dismissed it out of hand. If you want me to supply you with the hook, the story is about desire and esoteric knowledge. And I certainly hope I've offered something to the reader, particularly, some laconic yet substantial dialogue, a glimpse into a constructed world, and a reflection on the pursuit of information and information itself.
e: I certainly wasn't catering to anybody! His death is a result of his single-minded pursuit, his pride and his egotism. It was the logical consequence of his actions. I felt like it was the natural ending to the story.
I'd rather you sounded like a jerk, actually. Yeah, I dismissed it out of hand, pretty much. I don't care for prose which I have to read selectively. There was a discussion about this kind of prose, maybe here, maybe in B12 writers guild, and maybe I didn't get your intentions, but I started drifting away and wondering what it was all about in the middle of the first paragraph, so I went ahead and skimmed the whole story, and the only thing that caught my eye was the final death scene, so I assumed that's what the story was about. And I have to ask you how long you worked on this story, cause everyone can come up with a glimpse into a constructed world, and a reflection on the pursuit of information and information itself, of this length. In an evening. I hope it's not about school essays here these days.
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All in good, albeit highly subjective, spirit. ::)
Post by: WillowLuman on June 11, 2012, 01:54:06 am
Post by: Ehndras on June 11, 2012, 09:26:41 am
Post by: AlStar on June 11, 2012, 10:56:06 am
Just a little something I wrote when bored in Spanish class my freshman year of high school. I'm now a sophmore, and still working on this story. Constructively critic me!
Since the others seem to be going on more about the general feel of the story, I thought I'd go a bit into the nitty-gritty details, since there's work there that needs to be done, and I like to think I'm fairly decent at it.
Starting from the top...
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"Good," said his master, the town blacksmith, Erolon,I'd put that as "Good," said Erolon, the town blacksmith and Connor's master;
flows better, IMO.
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Connor was the smith's apprentice. And, he had always wanted to be. When he was young his mother would often find him in Erolon's forge, listing to the smith's stories, gazing at Erolon like a father. Connor didn't know his father. He liked to think his dad was a great hero, off ridding the land of evil. Or a wizard, battling demons trying to break into this plane.Choppy. Connor was an apprentice smith and had always wanted to be. When he was young, his mother would often find him in the forge, listening to the smith's stories, gazing at him like the father Connor had never had.
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He struck again, shaping the metal into a U-shape.Don't repeat words in close succession if you can help it. Just say that He struck the metal again, bending it into a U-shape.
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He was making a horseshoeI don't think most of this is really needed, you can skip right to the end.,for one of the farmers.He struck, and struck, plunging it into cold water to cool when the need was there.Working quickly, he soon finished.
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Erolon held it up toInspect, more likely.investigate.
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When he did Connor noticed a scar on his forearm. Conner had never seen it before, because Erolon wore leather on his arms, to prevent getting burnt.
Dude's been around the smith since childhood and he's never seen the smith without his leathers? Either this is a new scar, or you're going to have to give a good reason why Connor's never seen the dude's arms before - and, more importantly - why he's suddenly seeing them now. A finished horseshoe is probably not enough reason.
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ErolonNeedless detail.looked at where Conner was pointing and,eyes dark, covered it quickly.
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This is a fine horseshoe. As a reward, the rest of the day is yours to do what you willMinor suggestions for flow.,... But not in here;. Now, out you goout with you."
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"No, no buts. Get on now. I hear Kimil was asking about you."No corrections, but why is Conor the only one in this village with a normal name?
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"She's in town?"Unneeded.Connor asked.
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Connor dashed out the reed door, andWould a smithy have a reed door? Most are open to the air, to vent fumes and keep the temperature down. I'm honestly not sure, (not a historian) but it rings false to me. I don't think that you need the fact that he goes right, unless you think we'll need a map in our head of how this village is mapped out. I'd say he just ran to the tavern.turning right,ran down to the tavern. The Bloated Traveleriswas a moderately well kept inn. And,the hub of all activity in the town of Capem. If Kimil was in town; he would find her there.
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As he approached the door, he heard a drunk yelling,I, personally, don't like the "write out how people sound," school of writing, but that's a personal choice.
"Hey, preddy liddle girl, come here and sit on my lap." These words came along with a chorus of laughter. "It'swasprobably Bumis, he's always starting trouble." Connor thought. Only this timeitwas different.; This time itAnd, unknowing to Connor,was going to change the whole village.
One more line:
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"Get your filthy hand off me,"Dude should know what Kimil sounds like, or, if he's in the tavern (it's a bit unclear), he should certainly know that she's not just 'some girl'.A girlConnor heard Kimil scream "you're a. . . pig!"
I'll stop there for now. If you (or others) are finding this at all useful, I can keep going, but it takes enough effort that I don't want to go through this if it's not being appreciated.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 11, 2012, 11:56:46 am
I'll stop there for now. If you (or others) are finding this at all useful, I can keep going, but it takes enough effort that I don't want to go through this if it's not being appreciated.
I would very much appreciate it if you could do the same thing for this. Nobody got back to me on it and I would love some feedback. It is quite long, so if you only want do some of it that is still absolutely great.
To anyone helping out us inspiring writers it is hugely appreciated!!!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: fqllve on June 11, 2012, 12:18:39 pm
I'd rather you sounded like a jerk, actually. Yeah, I dismissed it out of hand, pretty much. I don't care for prose which I have to read selectively. There was a discussion about this kind of prose, maybe here, maybe in B12 writers guild, and maybe I didn't get your intentions, but I started drifting away and wondering what it was all about in the middle of the first paragraph, so I went ahead and skimmed the whole story, and the only thing that caught my eye was the final death scene, so I assumed that's what the story was about. And I have to ask you how long you worked on this story, cause everyone can come up with a glimpse into a constructed world, and a reflection on the pursuit of information and information itself, of this length. In an evening. I hope it's not about school essays here these days.How do you mean selectively? Do you mean prose where most of the sentences are immaterial to the story? I understand the first paragraph is kind of dense, that is a problem of mine, but the hook is actually its last sentence. I could probably trim a bit from it. Anyway, pretty much everything after the first paragraph is as tightly written as you'd expect an 800 word story to be. I suppose I couldn't resist indulging myself a bit even in such a brief format.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Haha! It's no school work. I probably spent about an hour writing it and at least another two hours editing it before it reached this draft, and since then I've probably read it through four of five more times, some of which were aloud. Of course, that was back in December, so it could have been longer. It definitely wasn't any less than that though. I take writing very seriously. The only reason I can post this in its entirety is because I don't care about retaining the rights to flash fiction. :)
Post by: Supermikhail on June 11, 2012, 12:48:47 pm
How do you mean selectively?I mean choosing the order of reading through a story. For example, a first paragraph doesn't make sense, so you go to the second one, read some and then go back to the first paragraph.
Haha! It's no school work. I probably spent about an hour writing it and at least another two hours editing it before it reached this draft, and since then I've probably read it through four of five more times, some of which were aloud. Of course, that was back in December, so it could have been longer. It definitely wasn't any less than that though. I take writing very seriously. The only reason I can post this in its entirety is because I don't care about retaining the rights to flash fiction. :)Now, I don't understand it. Or maybe pretend that I don't because I'm not writing anything right now and can't compare to my own quality. In any case, even disregarding the fact that the intro doesn't whet my appetite, it's hard for me to get past the fancy words. You're sort of in a league with the user schrocko88, it seems, and I can't understand how you can get your writing past reading aloud. But I've got a hypothesis to explain it.
Did you go to Sunday school? I've got a strong suspicion that this style is inspired by a certain book. Especially the dialogue.
Or maybe you remind me of my own writing, and I can't bear it. And maybe I hate my own writing, that's why I don't like yours. That's another hypothesis.
Tell you what, could you cut out all the "mere"s, "in truth"s, "proud" displays... Uh. What's the purpose of this paragraph?! Whose point of view does it present?!
I gotta go get me a drink...
Post by: Supermikhail on June 11, 2012, 01:19:41 pm
The prison was small and dimly lit. The bars on the four cells were slightly rusted, but still sturdy. A simple wooden chair with three well-worn cushions was currently occupied by Antaeus, the prison guard. Although you cannot tell while he is residing there, the indent in the bottom pillow taken up by Antaeus’ sizeable behind maintains in this position even while he has departed, due to the extended periods of time he spends there.Fuck off! I almost choked on my drink (of tea, of course) when I read that. I don't make a good teacher, but children in a good teacher's class don't come in mid-term without bothering even to look at the textbooks. Or in this situation the students are supposed to tutor each other and the teacher comes by to check on the discipline at the end of the week. I wouldn't be so bothered if it were a separate thread that -- in case it's especially annoying -- would fall into oblivion soon. Well, let's just sit and wait for Willfor or another guy with similarly large red bags of helpful links. Cause I ain't touching this stinky!
Post by: fqllve on June 11, 2012, 01:22:41 pm
I mean choosing the order of reading through a story. For example, a first paragraph doesn't make sense, so you go to the second one, read some and then go back to the first paragraph.Oh no, if you have to read it like that there's something very wrong. What exactly doesn't make sense about it?
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Now, I don't understand it. Or maybe pretend that I don't because I'm not writing anything right now and can't compare to my own quality. In any case, even disregarding the fact that the intro doesn't whet my appetite, it's hard for me to get past the fancy words. You're sort of in a league with the user schrocko88, it seems, and I can't understand how you can get your writing past reading aloud. But I've got a hypothesis to explain it.Nah, actually I was raised atheist. But if you're thinking the Bible, McCarthy (particularly Blood Meridian) is one of my three biggest stylistic influences so maybe I'm getting biblical style second hand. Honestly though, this is much more plainspoken than I usually write, simply because the limited space doesn't allow for waffling.
Did you go to Sunday school? I've got a strong suspicion that this style is inspired by a certain book. Especially the dialogue.
Or maybe you remind me of my own writing, and I can't bear it. And maybe I hate my own writing, that's why I don't like yours. That's another hypothesis.
Tell you what, could you cut out all the "mere"s, "in truth"s, "proud" displays... Uh. What's the purpose of this paragraph?! Whose point of view does it present?!
Actually the dialogue is probably based more on script dialogue than anything biblical and is kind of full of anachronisms. "Codex" wasn't in use during the 13th century (which the setting is based on) and premiums are a modern notion.
The paragraph is scene setting, it provides context and a backdrop for the action. And it's from Casmus's point of view, as the whole story is. Which is what the sentence adverbs are there for. The story is in third-person limited so everything is supposed to reflect back on Casmus.
Or in this situation the students are supposed to tutor each other and the teacher comes by to check on the discipline at the end of the week.While you may have been a bit harsh about it, yeah I didn't get past that part either. Maintaining appropriate tense is kind of the bare minimum of readability
Post by: AlStar on June 11, 2012, 01:59:44 pm
I'll stop there for now. If you (or others) are finding this at all useful, I can keep going, but it takes enough effort that I don't want to go through this if it's not being appreciated.
I would very much appreciate it if you could do the same thing for this. Nobody got back to me on it and I would love some feedback. It is quite long, so if you only want do some of it that is still absolutely great.
To anyone helping out us inspiring writers it is hugely appreciated!!!
So, I read through it - first off, before I get to anything deeper, you need to decide your point of view. We start off with a narrator, then we go into Antaeus's head, and stay there for about the first 3/4ths of the story, but after that we get little snatches of other character's thoughts wandering in. Either Antaeus is slightly telepathic, you need to better partition places where we switch to new points of view, or you need to remove the offending language.
For the purposes of these suggestions, I'm going to assume you ment to be inside Antaeus's head the entire time.
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The prison was small and dimly lit, the bars on the four cellsWhile I like the bit in the end, if we're going to be seeing this from Antaeus' view, we can't have it.wereslightly rusted, but still sturdy. Outside the cells, a simple wooden chair with three well-worn cushions stood.was currently occupied bySitting in the chair was Antaeus, the prison guard.Although you cannot tell while he is residing there, the indent in the bottom pillow taken up by Antaeus’ sizeable behind maintains in this position even while he has departed, due to the extended periods of time he spends there.
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Antaeus was annoyed. In the small village of Brickets, there are never criminals. It is a successful fishing community, a prosperous one. At a reasonable thirty-four years of age, having been a prison guard since he was a seventeen, Antaeus found that he had mainly been paid for sleeping.Of course in the first few weeks he hadn’t been quite so apathetic. Dedicated, consistent, alert, hard working to earn his pay: the opposite of his current attitude. After all, what is the point in being all of those things when ninety-nine of one-hundred nights there is no-one to guard.This entire bit needs to have its order changed to read better (again, if we want to keep in his head.)
Antaeus was annoyed; he'd been a prison guard since he was seventeen. When he'd first started, he'd been dedicated, consistent, alert and worked hard to earn his pay. Now, at thirty-four, he was none of those things and was content to earn his pay while asleep. After all, what was the point of being vigilant when ninety-nine of one-hundred nights there was no-one to guard? Brickets was a small, prosperous fishing villiage; there were never criminals here.
As a side note, small fishing villages likely wouldn't have a prison. If they did, it probably wouldn't have more then one cell, and it almost certainly wouldn't bother to have a guard. Why would they bother to pay for someone to sit on his ass 99/100 days? Small villages aren't normally known for their bureaucratic bloat.
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Theose rare nights when there wais someone - an urchin stealing food, or perhaps a woman accused of adultery – what point wais there in guarding them? The keys, secure on his belt, were all that was neededto keep them here.
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When he had first started as an apprentice prison guard he had quickly been taught by his retiring predecessor everything you needed to know; sleeping in the comfy chair. Antaeus felt proud of his greatest achievement in this job: adding the two extra pillows to the sides of the chair, as Antaeus’ fatty form was wide enough to press against either hard edge, making sleep difficult. Antaeus actually considered at one point simply dragging a bed down here, but thought this might be pushing it.Funny, but it doesn't gibe with what you told us about 17-year-old Antaeus, unless his disillusionment was very, very fast.
I'd suggest something like this:
When he had first started as an apprentice prison guard, the first thing he had been taught by his retiring predecessor was how to sleep in the wooden chair that was his post. "It's everything you'll ever need to know," the old man had said. Antaeus hadn't believed it then, but had soon grown to accept the truth in his old master's words. Now, Antaeus felt pride in what he considered his greatest achievement: adding the two extra pillows to the sides of the chair, as Antaeus’ fatty form was wide enough to press against either hard edge, which had made sleep difficult. He had briefly considered switching out the chair for a bed, but decided that appearances must be maintined.
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But tonight was different,and Antaeus did not think he would be sleeping today; three of the four cells were occupied. In the first cell was the child - Could he even call him that? - Antaeus didn't know; the Chief had described the unbelievable scene to himNeed to hit the enter key in here a couple of times., such that Antaeus could not believe. The villagers were calling the orphan boycalledKen a demon, a monster. Nobody had liked him before, the adults did not care for him and the childrenhadmade sport of him. Antaeus’ own boy hadbeen one of those whoregularly tormented Ken. /p
At the time,Antaeus hadn't had anoproblem with it; just boys being boys, he thought.Besides,Ken wasalwaysstrange looking: hugely underdeveloped for his age (a body more like a six year old than a thirteen year old),and of course thosewith huge unforgettable green eyes and thin, fluffy tufts of hair that hardly coveringed his head.Something about himKen provoked a negative reaction in all of the villagersit seemed, including the children. /pBut nowAntaeus shuddered. Thank the Gods his son had been ill this whole week, or perhaps he would have been with the others when it had happened, and Antaeus might have been one of the parents burying their dead this evening.
Need to get back to work. If you're interested, I'll continue this later.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 11, 2012, 02:47:47 pm
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And it's from Casmus's point of view, as the whole story is.Then your protagonist is a pretty boring fellow, plus he's confused about his intentions. It appears as if he's trying to advertise the stall to someone. Oh, I guess I should answer somewhat in order.
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What exactly doesn't make sense about it?It doesn't have a hook, and what I said before.
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Honestly though, this is much more plainspoken than I usually write, simply because the limited space doesn't allow for waffling.It's not about "plainspoken" or "waffling". Waffle as many as you want, just add some jelly in there. Give me some flavor so I don't think it's just flour and water. Maybe then I'll even ignore the fact that your waffle is in the shape of a dick.
Okay, now to go back to that paragraph. Have I mentioned that it doesn't make sense:
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The antiquarian was a wealthy woman to maintain such a stall (what is this phrase? Does "to" mean that the only purpose of the woman is to maintain a stall?), thrice the size of any other merchant's in the square. And in truth it was no mere stall, but an exotic merchant-tent of Imayyo, thousands of miles from its home and serving as a proud display (of what?) in the northern taiga of Neymsall.Also, I admit I spent some time trying to rewrite the paragraph and it didn't work a bit (which could be my fault). May I suggest you omit the first paragraph and start with dialogue? It often works for short stories. The trick is to weave description into the dialogue. Or you could put the descriptive paragraph after a short introductory exchange, provided the latter contains a hook.
Hey, has it ever occurred to you that your characters are grubby stereotypes? E: I even know what they're called: the arrogant noble and the arrogant mafia boss.
Also, suddenly "Hey just a moment--" in perfect New York accent.
Also also, look -- I'm going through the rest of the story and despairing. Now, I would be the last person to want to hear that my story is completely broken, but there's kind of no getting around it.
Finally, what is this sentence?
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His face pinched in rage and the cords of his neck tensed, lifting his shoulders.E: I get it now; it still doesn't help the fact that we're suddenly talking about the actions of the cords of a neck. Or maybe the fact that his shoulders lifted is more important than the fact that his cords tensed.
My dear sir, I'm beginning to suspect that this is a prank.
P.S. It's occurred to me that you might be interested in a list of things that are wrong with your story:
- Bad, uninteresting plot, including the lack of a hook.
- Poor, simplistic descriptions with generic adjectives of the "good", "bad", "ugly" kind.
- Unrealistic dialogue; do you think 13th century people talked like that?
- Lack of logic
And I've spent far too long on this reply. >:(
Post by: WillowLuman on June 11, 2012, 03:04:17 pm
The Elephant fell off the roof, crushing the car below. James watched as the now horribly injured assassins climbed out of the car, dripping mauve blood, and thought, Why does this kind of thing always happen when I try to get my dry cleaning?
Unexpected things are great for grabbing attention. A good way to hook the reader is to give them something that seems very bizarre, and then gradually give the context to explain it in the intro.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 11, 2012, 03:43:34 pm
Post by: fqllve on June 11, 2012, 03:51:09 pm
I'm not sure how you would interpret that sentence to mean that her only purpose is to maintain a stall. I assure you it is grammatically and idiomatically correct and suggests that the stall would be expensive to maintain. The sentence is analogous to 'You have to be a nice person to donate to the homeless.' It might be easier to parse the other way around 'To maintain such a stall the antiquarian was a wealthy woman' or even more clear 'To maintain such a stall the antiquarian must have been a wealthy woman.' But the latter is far too editorialized for me to actually use.QuoteThe antiquarian was a wealthy woman to maintain such a stall (what is this phrase? Does "to" mean that the only purpose of the woman is to maintain a stall?), thrice the size of any other merchant's in the square. And in truth it was no mere stall, but an exotic merchant-tent of Imayyo, thousands of miles from its home and serving as a proud display (of what?) in the northern taiga of Neymsall.
The second part is supposed to mean something along the lines that the tent displays the wealth and worldliness of its owner proudly. It is unusual for the area and thus very striking. It is meant to draw attention to itself. That sentence is kinda crappy now that you mention it though.
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Hey, has it ever occurred to you that your characters are grubby stereotypes?I'll admit the characters aren't well-developed. But they're not really supposed to be, there wasn't enough room for it and the story isn't really about them. It's more of a parable than a study.
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Also also, look -- I'm going through the rest of the story and despairing. Now, I would be the last person to want to hear that my story is completely broken, but there's kind of no getting around it.I'm sorry but this just doesn't match my experiences with this story. I actually had someone express interest in publishing it before I told them that I'd already used up the electronic rights. I do have things I'll readily admit are completely broken, but I'd be really surprised if this were one of them. I'm not saying it's perfect, it has it's deficiencies, but I'd be shocked if it were as much of a mess as you're suggesting!
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Finally, what is this sentence?What? When someone tenses their shoulders to raise them you can see the tendons on either side of the neck. It's just a description of his posture.QuoteHis face pinched in rage and the cords of his neck tensed, lifting his shoulders.E: I get it now; it still doesn't help the fact that we're suddenly talking about the actions of the cords of a neck. Or maybe the fact that his shoulders lifted is more important than the fact that his cords tensed.
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P.S. It's occurred to me that you might be interested in a list of things that are wrong with your story:It has a hook. I always write a hook, I actually already mentioned what the hook is.
- Bad, uninteresting plot, including the lack of a hook.
- Poor, simplistic descriptions with generic adjectives of the "good", "bad", "ugly" kind.
- Unrealistic dialogue; do you think 13th century people talked like that?
- Lack of logic
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Yet in spite of the multitude of objects displayed Casmus knew that what brought him here was well-hidden.You could argue it isn't a very good hook. It certainly doesn't grab attention like the one HugoLuman suggests, but it does suggest a greater depth to the story than is immediately apparent and at least attempts to pique interest. What has the man come here for and what would cause it to be well hidden? Ideally it would make the reader wonder those things.
The adjectives (and adjective phrases) in order are: spacious, wealthy, thrice the size, exotic, proud, wondrous, discerning, black, deep blue, least, mundane, ancient, foreign, of legend, of local legend, well-known, well-hidden, bronze, fine, unnerving, rose silk, humiliated, presumptuous, and hot beyond his capacity to sense. Beyond black and deep blue, which are both in the part that I cut, and proud, which is in the sentence I admitted needs replaced, I'm not really seeing how the adjectives are simplistic. Maybe wondrous could go too. e: missed some
I'm confused about your complaints on my dialogue. First it is too biblical, then when I point out it is (intentionally) anachronistic you say it is too modern. If I wrote historically accurate dialogue then the whole thing would be in Middle English! The dialogue is a stylistic choice. The antiquarian in particular is supposed to sound modern and out of place to imply that there is more to her nature than is readily apparent at first glance.
How exactly do you mean it lacks logic? I had a logic in mind when writing the story so specific examples that are illogical would be helpful.
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The solution to pretty much all of this issues would be, I think, reading a lot -- what plots people are interested in, what words authors manage to use for descriptions, how they bring the dialogue of a different era to life, and how logic of language works, I guess.I'm actually kind of offended by this because it's about me personally and not my story. It also bothers me because you seem to have the impression that I don't read. In fact I read constantly and I read critically, and I'm surprised and somewhat disappointed in myself that it didn't show through my writing. Furthermore, I'm actually well-acquainted with the way language works and linguistics is probably the only thing I'm more passionate about than literature.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 11, 2012, 05:40:29 pm
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I'm not sure how you would interpret that sentence to mean that her only purpose is to maintain a stall. I assure you it is grammatically and idiomatically correct and suggests that the stall would be expensive to maintain. The sentence is analogous to 'You have to be a nice person to donate to the homeless.' It might be easier to parse the other way around 'To maintain such a stall the antiquarian was a wealthy woman' or even more clear 'To maintain such a stall the antiquarian must have been a wealthy woman.' But the latter is far too editorialized for me to actually use.Well, it's your grammar. Albeit I don't quite get the analogy.
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I'll admit the characters aren't well-developed. But they're not really supposed to be, there wasn't enough room for it and the story isn't really about them. It's more of a parable than a study.Again, it's not about the room, it's about the way everything they do (or have done to them) is predictable based on their stereotypes. Of course the mafia boss kills the arrogant noble! I mean how else are we going to establish that the mafia boss is the bad guy! (Granted, it's not clear that it's the mafia who killed him. And it's not the bad guy... It's an analogy, you see!)
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I'm sorry but this just doesn't match my experiences with this story. I actually had someone express interest in publishing it before I told them that I'd already used up the electronic rights. I do have things I'll readily admit are completely broken, but I'd be really surprised if this were one of them. I'm not saying it's perfect, it has it's deficiencies, but I'd be shocked if it were as much of a mess as you're suggesting!Hey, at least you're not that guy!
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What? When someone tenses their shoulders to raise them you can see the tendons on either side of the neck. It's just a description of his posture.It's just that I had to give the sentence several takes to understand what's going on.
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Yet in spite of the multitude of objects displayed Casmus knew that what brought him here was well-hidden.If it's a hook for anything, it's for an adventure game (I admit, I could have done it funnier). Especially since it's at the end of a long expository scene. And neither the scene nor Casmus are very appealing for us to care if the item is found. It's not like there is tension when the hook is revealed. I mean if you fascinatingly listed all the various items in the tent and then it turned out that Casmus doesn't care for any of them, then it would have been a hook.
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The adjectives (and adjective phrases) in order are: spacious, wealthy, thrice the size, exotic, proud, wondrous, discerning, black, deep blue, least, mundane, ancient, foreign, of legend, of local legend, well-known, well-hidden, bronze, fine, unnerving, rose silk, humiliated, presumptuous, and hot beyond his capacity to sense. Beyond black and deep blue, which are both in the part that I cut, and proud, which is in the sentence I admitted needs replaced, I'm not really seeing how the adjectives are simplistic. Maybe wondrous could go too. e: missed someAlright, I meant metaphor and simile, and appeal to senses. Most of your adjectives don't tell our senses anything -- what we get is a dictionary definition. Maybe you could say that the tent spread around him like a cavern... Ugh. You see how I'm turning into a critic? I can't fix it, but I can tell you why I think it's broken. Why I insist on metaphors and similes? Because I think stories are more fun to read with them. Although, you could give half a crap if your readers have fun (who knows?). I mean it's all about getting attention, isn't it? For me it is.
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I'm confused about your complaints on my dialogue. First it is too biblical, then when I point out it is (intentionally) anachronistic you say it is too modern. If I wrote historically accurate dialogue then the whole thing would be in Middle English! The dialogue is a stylistic choice. The antiquarian in particular is supposed to sound modern and out of place to imply that there is more to her nature than is readily apparent at first glance.Too modern one line out of the blue.
Uh, I've compared your dialogue to some in the Song of Ice and Fire, with which I have no problem, and I'm starting to come to a conclusion that it's just not my genre. I mean, Martin's characters talk pretty much like yours. At this stage I can just blindly point at the sky.
For one, Martin's characters stutter. Yours are really going off the script -- except the modern interruption.
For another, Martin's characters don't speak the first thing that comes to their mind. They always hide something, and I think there's not enough of that in your dialogue. Or maybe it's stereotypes. If only the mafia boss could be less omniscient, and the noble less arrogant. And they are not likable. And... And... :'( I'm tired! I'm confused!
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How exactly do you mean it lacks logic? I had a logic in mind when writing the story so specific examples that are illogical would be helpful.I meant the logic of the language which we don't agree on.
In the end, we could play this game all day (and night. And day.) I suggest what I don't like, and sometimes how to fix it, and then you say that you've worked hard on this thing and everyone else likes it, and couldn't I explain more. I don't really see what each of us is gaining by it. It could be just that my ranty shtick isn't working, and you'd much rather have someone be nice about actual logic and grammar which called for just minor corrections.
Last thing. I'm of an opinion that unless you put it in a videogame, no one would care for this story in its current form (except you and me and your publishers). What do you think? I'ma fall asleep right now.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 11, 2012, 05:57:12 pm
I'm gonna go through my second chapter tomorrow and see if I can tidy up the sorts of mistakes you pointed out in the first chapter. Hopefully when I upload it, it won't have any mistakes, or atleast different mistakes :P
I would just like to take the time now to say how much I appreciate anybody who has criticized my work, particularly Alstar for your in depth analysis. Great stuff! :D
Post by: fqllve on June 11, 2012, 06:33:12 pm
In the end, we could play this game all day (and night. And day.) I suggest what I don't like, and sometimes how to fix it, and then you say that you've worked hard on this thing and everyone else likes it, and couldn't I explain more. I don't really see what each of us is gaining by it. It could be just that my ranty shtick isn't working, and you'd much rather have someone be nice about actual logic and grammar which called for just minor corrections.I don't have any problem with criticism, you'll notice when you actually pointed to specific things I accept them, it's that your criticisms were kind of unhelpful. You say it doesn't have a hook when I already mentioned what the hook is. You say my adjectives are simplistic, I ask you which adjectives you meant in specific. You say my dialogue is to archaic and then too modern. It was hard to actually apply your critique to the story. I want criticism beyond just minor corrections, and you've actually provided it in this post, it's just that the others were lacking in things I could actually work with. And 'other people like it' isn't a valid rebuttal to any of your criticisms other than saying it was completely broken. If this story is completely broken I should just give up writing altogether because I've been at it far too long and put in far too much work for me to fail on such a basic level and for me to be completely blind to that fact.
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Again, it's not about the room, it's about the way everything they do (or have done to them) is predictable based on their stereotypes. Of course the mafia boss kills the arrogant noble! I mean how else are we going to establish that the mafia boss is the bad guy! (Granted, it's not clear that it's the mafia who killed him. And it's not the bad guy... It's an analogy, you see!)Actually, I'm glad you noticed that it's not clear the antiquarian killed him (because she didn't kill him), no one has seemed to. Also yeah, she isn't the bad guy or a mafia boss.
I see what you mean about Casmus being a stereotypical arrogant noble, he actually wasn't a noble until I wrote that "Lord of Amrell" bit, I just thought it made him sound haughtier. Do you think it would be less stereotypical if I cut that bit out? I just kinda wanted to tell a story about an arrogant jerk.
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Alright, I meant metaphor and simile, and appeal to senses. Most of your adjectives don't tell our senses anything -- what we get is a dictionary definition. Maybe you could say that the tent spread around him like a cavern... Ugh. You see how I'm turning into a critic? I can't fix it, but I can tell you why I think it's broken. Why I insist on metaphors and similes? Because I think stories are more fun to read with them. Although, you could give half a crap if your readers have fun (who knows?). I mean it's all about getting attention, isn't it? For me it is.Ok. I can get that. I actually have a problem with overuse of metaphor and simile, so I was trying to go in the other direction with this. Plus, you have to remember this is flash fiction, it's hard to fit in lofty descriptions when I was trying to make sure the story got told in under a thousand words.
Anyway, that sounds like a personal taste thing, which you might find this paragraph from one of my other stories more appealing.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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For one, Martin's characters stutter. Yours are really going off the script -- except the modern interruption.I'm not sure what you mean by going off script and stuttering actually, could you explain further?
For another, Martin's characters don't speak the first thing that comes to their mind. They always hide something, and I think there's not enough of that in your dialogue. Or maybe it's stereotypes. If only the mafia boss could be less omniscient, and the noble less arrogant. And they are not likable. And... And... :'( I'm tired! I'm confused!
I agree the dialogue was really direct, I hadn't thought it was too much of a problem but I was really running against the length limits, something Martin surely doesn't have to worry about! I suppose I'm not that good at nuanced dialogue under such constraints. I'm not used to flash fiction so maybe that's something I should work on.
I certainly don't think the story is amazing or innovative, but I do think it's at least mediocre. I wasn't aiming for the stars or anything, I was just shooting for a short, interesting read, the kind of thing that would appeal to someone who reads modern publications. I'm not gonna sit here and say it's artistically meritorious, because we all know it isn't, but I also don't think it's completely broken and I think there is at least some value to reading it. Otherwise why would I have written it? Why would I have posted it?
Post by: schrocko88 on June 11, 2012, 07:41:16 pm
Just a little something I wrote when bored in Spanish class my freshman year of high school. I'm now a sophmore, and still working on this story. Constructively critic me!
Since the others seem to be going on more about the general feel of the story, I thought I'd go a bit into the nitty-gritty details, since there's work there that needs to be done, and I like to think I'm fairly decent at it.
Starting from the top...Quote"Good," said his master, the town blacksmith, Erolon,I'd put that as "Good," said Erolon, the town blacksmith and Connor's master;
flows better, IMO.QuoteConnor was the smith's apprentice. And, he had always wanted to be. When he was young his mother would often find him in Erolon's forge, listing to the smith's stories, gazing at Erolon like a father. Connor didn't know his father. He liked to think his dad was a great hero, off ridding the land of evil. Or a wizard, battling demons trying to break into this plane.Choppy. Connor was an apprentice smith and had always wanted to be. When he was young, his mother would often find him in the forge, listening to the smith's stories, gazing at him like the father Connor had never had.Connor didn't know his father.He liked to think that his father was a great hero, off ridding the land of evil; or a wizard, battling demons trying to break into this plane.QuoteHe struck again, shaping the metal into a U-shape.Don't repeat words in close succession if you can help it. Just say that He struck the metal again, bending it into a U-shape.QuoteHe was making a horseshoeI don't think most of this is really needed, you can skip right to the end.,for one of the farmers.He struck, and struck, plunging it into cold water to cool when the need was there.Working quickly, he soon finished.QuoteErolon held it up toInspect, more likely.investigate.QuoteWhen he did Connor noticed a scar on his forearm. Conner had never seen it before, because Erolon wore leather on his arms, to prevent getting burnt.
Dude's been around the smith since childhood and he's never seen the smith without his leathers? Either this is a new scar, or you're going to have to give a good reason why Connor's never seen the dude's arms before - and, more importantly - why he's suddenly seeing them now. A finished horseshoe is probably not enough reason.QuoteErolonNeedless detail.looked at where Conner was pointing and,eyes dark, covered it quickly.QuoteThis is a fine horseshoe. As a reward, the rest of the day is yours to do what you willMinor suggestions for flow.,... But not in here;. Now, out you goout with you."Quote"No, no buts. Get on now. I hear Kimil was asking about you."No corrections, but why is Conor the only one in this village with a normal name?Quote"She's in town?"Unneeded.Connor asked.QuoteConnor dashed out the reed door, andWould a smithy have a reed door? Most are open to the air, to vent fumes and keep the temperature down. I'm honestly not sure, (not a historian) but it rings false to me. I don't think that you need the fact that he goes right, unless you think we'll need a map in our head of how this village is mapped out. I'd say he just ran to the tavern.turning right,ran down to the tavern. The Bloated Traveleriswas a moderately well kept inn. And,the hub of all activity in the town of Capem. If Kimil was in town; he would find her there.QuoteAs he approached the door, he heard a drunk yelling,I, personally, don't like the "write out how people sound," school of writing, but that's a personal choice.
"Hey, preddy liddle girl, come here and sit on my lap." These words came along with a chorus of laughter. "It'swasprobably Bumis, he's always starting trouble." Connor thought. Only this timeitwas different.; This time itAnd, unknowing to Connor,was going to change the whole village.
One more line:Quote"Get your filthy hand off me,"Dude should know what Kimil sounds like, or, if he's in the tavern (it's a bit unclear), he should certainly know that she's not just 'some girl'.A girlConnor heard Kimil scream "you're a. . . pig!"
I'll stop there for now. If you (or others) are finding this at all useful, I can keep going, but it takes enough effort that I don't want to go through this if it's not being appreciated.
Thanks a lot man! I took your advise and changed a few things and did a side-by-side, and it sounds much much better when I read it. Thanks!
Post by: Supermikhail on June 12, 2012, 02:56:32 am
Ok, I see what the problem is now: we speak -- that is, write -- different languages! The way I learned my version of English, I couldn't imagine writing "he swore he heard it sizzle but could see no steam". I think it's best if we went our separate ways because we would always nitpick at the quirks of each other's language. Or we could be tolerant and accept each other the way we are: I can't understand how you can write like that, you can't understand how I can write like this, but in general we can comprehend the meaning of each other's writing. Hey, maybe in your neighborhood your story is actually good! I mean, it happens. I'm sure if you showed it to some African tribe they'd be thunderstruck.
But going to meaning, I can't understand how you can be satisfied with a plot like that, and a hook like that. And why'd it have to be flash fiction anyway?
Also, I wish someone would give me an idea so I could see if I can do any better. If I did, we'd have something to compare something to. If I didn't I guess I'd have to shut up and accept that I cannot provide constructive feedback, only deconstructive.
Post by: fqllve on June 12, 2012, 04:43:43 am
Why did it have to be flash fiction? I don't know, don't you ever try to challenge yourself? See if you can learn anything from trying something new? I normally write sprawling 12000 word epics about enjoying a sandwich so I decided to try brevity for a change. It was enlightening, although in your estimation I'm sure there's nothing I could have learned from the endeavor. Except that maybe I should stop writing.
Seriously though, the personal attacks were completely unwarranted and totally not conducive to whatever it was you were trying to accomplish.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 12, 2012, 11:21:23 am
There was a quick question that I wanted to ask, it's regarding some of the criticism I recieved from Alstar which I was confused about.
So, I read through it - first off, before I get to anything deeper, you need to decide your point of view. We start off with a narrator, then we go into Antaeus's head, and stay there for about the first 3/4ths of the story, but after that we get little snatches of other character's thoughts wandering in. Either Antaeus is slightly telepathic, you need to better partition places where we switch to new points of view, or you need to remove the offending language.
Alstar could answer this question, or anyway, I don't mind.
It's just that I wrote my story in 3rd person so that I didn't have to stick to one person's point of view. I thought that was why people wrote in third person? (like first person for the detailed thoughts from one perspective, second person for instructions, and third person for jumping around different people's perspectives)
So I guess my question is, whether that logic is wrong. Should I be sticking to ones person's perspective at all times even in 3rd person?
Post by: Supermikhail on June 12, 2012, 11:41:38 am
Post by: AlStar on June 12, 2012, 11:56:39 am
Hi again all :)
There was a quick question that I wanted to ask, it's regarding some of the criticism I recieved from Alstar which I was confused about.So, I read through it - first off, before I get to anything deeper, you need to decide your point of view. We start off with a narrator, then we go into Antaeus's head, and stay there for about the first 3/4ths of the story, but after that we get little snatches of other character's thoughts wandering in. Either Antaeus is slightly telepathic, you need to better partition places where we switch to new points of view, or you need to remove the offending language.
Alstar could answer this question, or anyway, I don't mind.
It's just that I wrote my story in 3rd person so that I didn't have to stick to one person's point of view. I thought that was why people wrote in third person? (like first person for the detailed thoughts from one perspective, second person for instructions, and third person for jumping around different people's perspectives)
So I guess my question is, whether that logic is wrong. Should I be sticking to ones person's perspective at all times even in 3rd person?
It's not necessary for you to stick to just one point of view, but you can't be switching all over the place willy-nilly either. It's confusing.
I didn't get to a place where you did it in my line-by-line, but lemme pull up an offending section:
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Antaeus realised that he had never even considered that Ulysses could have come from somewhere other than Brickets. <-- Antaeus thinking
“I wasn’t trying to! I couldn’t stop it! I didn’t want to. I didn’t. Didn’t want to...” The boy started sobbing again, as loud as before, but this time he was pressed up against the bars, as if trying to force his way out. Once again the black man hushed him until he was quieter. Ulysses was now staring at the child, an ugly smile on his ragged face. Ulysses, while never quite serene, had at least always been passive, it was for this that the villagers had tolerated his presence, even if they hadn’t liked it. But this new Ulysses was active: his eyes twinkled a little, but not in a good way, more like an evil glint. <-- Antaeus thinking
The black man turned to Ulysses now. <-- Antaeus observing
“And you? What is your crime?” Ulysses reluctantly removed his eyes from the child, looking the black man up and down. <-- Antaeus observing
Ulysses muttered something, shook his head, and slumped again at the back of his cell. The black man smiled a little at this and turned to Ken. <-- Antaeus observing
“My name is Scaerzimek. Now yours.” Ken could not help but feel that he had to tell him, he did not understand why.<-- KEN thinking
“My name is Ken.” Said the child. He licked his lips nervously afterwards.<-- Antaeus observing
You switch from Antaeus's point of view to Ken's, then BACK to Antaeus within a conversation, with no prior time spent in Ken's head.
Don't do that.
Post by: Caz on June 12, 2012, 01:24:41 pm
Frustrating.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 12, 2012, 01:33:26 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 12, 2012, 01:44:55 pm
I have no motivation to edit. Reading the draft gives me a feeling of dread, and when I try to push through it it's like my creativity dries up. Maybe I am looking at it in too big pieces instead of cutting it into smaller chunks. I dunno.Want me to insult you into action? Otherwise, it's good practice to put a draft away for a couple of months and then approach it with a clear head. Have you tried that?
Frustrating.
Post by: Willfor on June 12, 2012, 03:00:56 pm
Want me to insult you into action? Otherwise, it's good practice to put a draft away for a couple of months and then approach it with a clear head. Have you tried that?I think you should stop insulting people period. There's a line of reasonability here that you aren't quite seeing. You are making yourself into a cardboard villain in the midst of this situation. You seem to have misunderstood the need for "tough love," and you seem to have interpreted it to be a need for someone to direct hostility toward.
There are enough people to direct hostility toward in this world that we do not need someone who purposefully goes out of their way to be that person.
Post by: Diarrhea Ferret on June 12, 2012, 03:19:02 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 12, 2012, 04:09:41 pm
Not that I can come up with something reasonable to answer to Willfor... Except maybe follow his advice. But that doesn't leave much to my replies, does it.
Post by: Willfor on June 12, 2012, 04:22:40 pm
We're all crazy here, so let's all be crazy together.
Post by: Fishbreath on June 13, 2012, 01:13:32 pm
I'm delighted to announce that I've actually finished a story for the first time since NaNoWriMo 2006. This one is shorter than that one and took a lot longer, but it's done and I'm mostly satisfied with it. It's yonder at Many Words. I'm probably going to try to sell it as an ebook via Smashwords with some extra editing and some extra content, but I'm pushing that down the road a little. Right now I'm writing a 1920s Nazi-punching globetrotting zeppelins-and-strange-airplanes skypirate adventure archaeology pulp short, about which I'm fantastically excited.
Post by: Ehndras on June 13, 2012, 01:15:18 pm
Post by: AlStar on June 13, 2012, 01:21:45 pm
I'm probably going to try to sell it as an ebook via Smashwords
Tell me more about this - for instance, why Smashwords over Amazon or some other service? Do you have any previous experience with selling online? How was it? Any tips/tricks?
I've just finished the draft on a 10k word short story/novella, and (after I've cleaned it up) I was planning on looking into e-publishing, and I'd really like to hear from people that have experience.
Post by: Fishbreath on June 13, 2012, 01:40:45 pm
- Availability in lots of stores. Amazon's not on the list (there was some issue that they're still clearing up, and it takes some manual effort for them to get something listed on Amazon), but they'll put it practically everywhere else for you.
- Decent royalty rate. Presumably you're making a little bit less than you would if you went to each store individually, but having everything in one place is handy for keeping track of sales and income (not that I think that'll actually be a concern for me)
- Easy typesetting. It's nice that I don't have to work out how to convert flat text into .epub; I don't think it's all that hard, but it's still nice just having to turn it into .doc with some styles applied, since anyone monkey or better can work that out.
Post by: Caz on June 14, 2012, 05:29:55 am
Want me to insult you into action? Otherwise, it's good practice to put a draft away for a couple of months and then approach it with a clear head. Have you tried that?
I've heard of that. Maybe a few months break from it invading my every waking thought will be helpful.
I am curious about the 'insult into action' thing, though. :p
Post by: Reudh on June 14, 2012, 05:56:53 am
My teacher used to do it, if he didn't like a piece he'd insult the writing and it would galvanise you to write better, using your anger/embarrassment at the insult to fuel it.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 14, 2012, 09:54:35 am
Insulting into action really works... :PNot when I do it, apparently...
Maybe it's about being really honest about it. When I do it I put in lots of disclaimers that I realize that it's all subjective, that it may depend on my mood and various other bias... I guess I should work on it. Pure unadulterated hate.
Decent royalty rate [...] (not that I think that'll actually be a concern for me)I wonder why it's not a concern for you.
Your words have suddenly connected to something Douglas Adams wrote. He said that there'd be one day magazines publishing e-fiction which would collect good stories. And from this I deduce that the secret to success in the world of online publishing is to make someone important plug your writing... So you probably don't know anyone important who would plug your writing. Is that the problem?
Post by: Ehndras on June 14, 2012, 10:33:31 am
I'm going to post the embarrassing excuse for an incomplete short story (and accompanying annotations made gradually over the years) I wrote when I was around 12. :P As you may have noticed, I've *always* sucked at conversations... ADHD didn't help me keep this on track either. LOL.
Enjoy Grammar-Nazi-Rage, I know I do! (I can barely keep a stable track of what the hell I myself wrote in this.)
Spoiler: Desolatus (click to show/hide)
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Spoiler: Desolation Rough Timeline (click to show/hide)
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Spoiler: Random Lore (click to show/hide)
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Spoiler: Fun Lore Ideas (click to show/hide)
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Spoiler: Darkseed:Asphyxia story idea predating Desolatus (click to show/hide)
Ta-daaaaaaaaaa~
An absolute CLUSTERFUCK of confusing ideas that are all practically useless unless I decide to make a precursor novel to my actual space-based Scifi in which the Earth is long-dead due to all this stuff, effectively making years of Lore useless. :P
Post by: AlStar on June 14, 2012, 11:36:52 am
Oh, I have an idea.
I'm going to post the embarrassing excuse for an incomplete short story (and accompanying annotations made gradually over the years) I wrote when I was around 12. :P As you may have noticed, I've *always* sucked at conversations... ADHD didn't help me keep this on track either. LOL.
Enjoy Grammar-Nazi-Rage, I know I do! (I can barely keep a stable track of what the hell I myself wrote in this.)
**stuff**
Ta-daaaaaaaaaa~
An absolute CLUSTERFUCK of confusing ideas that are all practically useless unless I decide to make a precursor novel to my actual space-based Scifi in which the Earth is long-dead due to all this stuff, effectively making years of Lore useless. :P
Did you want any kind of feedback on any of that, or is it just for our reading pleasure?
edit: Ok, I can't help but offer comments, I think it's in my blood or something:
Desolatus - Not GrimDark enough. Needs angels weeping blood over the landscape or something.
(seriously) You overuse the word 'crimson'. Yes, crimson is a cool color, but you can also use red, or many other names in that family.
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as brooding shadows of decadent empires hide the dust-ridden memories of a people long-deceased – the Remnants.This line is both confusing and doesn't really relate to the sentence before it.
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...and capable of withstanding crushing explosive blows...If it's explosive, I don't think it'd be a crushing blow... I mean, I guess there is a crushing component to an explosion, but generally people are more worried about the shrapnel... or, you know, the explosion.
Even more confusing, he's remembering being told how these things are nigh-impossible to kill - "they are impossible to take down with small-arms fire", except for a shot to the eye, or by severing the spine... then he takes one down with a pistol that he "aimed at her chest." Huh?
Post by: Supermikhail on June 14, 2012, 11:49:16 am
Re Ehndras's revelation: what the fuck? What is this supposed to do for this thread? What is bringing in an outdated piece of work supposed to accomplish? It's a thread for improvement, not any random words. In a math class, would you bring a (wrong) solution to a problem you did several years ago? You know that nobody would be impressed and your teacher wouldn't waste his/her time explaining it because he/she already knows that you can do better. If you think it's so hilarious, by all means post it in general discussion, in "things that made you happy today" or on bash.org. >:(
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Thank you for your time, and please, continue. ::)
Post by: Fishbreath on June 14, 2012, 12:12:53 pm
Quote from: Supermikhail
I wonder why it's not a concern for you.
Your words have suddenly connected to something Douglas Adams wrote. He said that there'd be one day magazines publishing e-fiction which would collect good stories. And from this I deduce that the secret to success in the world of online publishing is to make someone important plug your writing... So you probably don't know anyone important who would plug your writing. Is that the problem?
It's a question of realistic expectations, I think-- I wouldn't self-identify as anything better than a mediocre writer even on a good day, and (as you noted*) I don't know anyone to plug my writing.
More than that, though, it's simply vanishingly unlikely that I'll ever make enough money off of writing to make it my day job, and even if I were to happen to beat the odds I think I'd still regard the situation with a sort of cautious suspicion. :P
*As an aside, there actually are some online-only speculative fiction magazines, so Adams got that one right.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 14, 2012, 01:02:12 pm
More than that, though, it's simply vanishingly unlikely that I'll ever make enough money off of writing to make it my day jobWhat about one of part-time jobs? Although I can certainly understand doing what you like and having a perfectly stable source of income besides; and having a somewhat easier process to receive paycheck / pay taxes.
I wonder what your day job is, though (if that's alright to ask).
Post by: Ehndras on June 14, 2012, 01:05:05 pm
I still can't do dialogue for absolute shit, I'm at that very same level quite honestly. Also, if you don't want to read it then don't, quite simply. I'll read something someone posts even if I think its utter shit, but maybe that's just me.
Post by: fqllve on June 14, 2012, 01:09:41 pm
Not when I do it, apparently...It's not that. Insults might motivate someone into action, but they don't offer specific criticism. They're broad and not very illuminating about what the exact weaknesses of the piece are. Saying something like 'I don't know how you could be satisfied with the plot' doesn't explain what exactly the problem with the plot is. If the writer is experienced they may have their own ideas about their failings, but as you mention, since so much is subjective, those might be very different things than what you're getting at because, ultimately, if the person already had an idea of what was wrong with their story wouldn't they change that before they ask for feedback? Or preface the work with something like 'Hey, I think this starts a little slow, tell me what you think.' Of course, in my experience if you think somethings wrong with your story it is, because the story must please you before it'll please anyone else, but that's a bit off topic.
Maybe it's about being really honest about it. When I do it I put in lots of disclaimers that I realize that it's all subjective, that it may depend on my mood and various other bias... I guess I should work on it. Pure unadulterated hate.
Plus, if the person disagrees with you about the feedback (oftentimes I get embarrassed by criticism because I know it's true, but a lot of the time criticism just isn't helpful or really that relevant, and I'm sure you've experienced this before) then you're automatically putting the person in a position of defense which makes them less likely to listen to anything else you say, even if you point out something that they already know is wrong with the work. Insults can be useful but only in circumstances where the author knows what's wrong and is shirking on their duties, not when they are unsure about any problems.
And speaking for myself, I didn't come here asking for derision of my person and I didn't need nor want it. I'm certainly well enough motivated, but there is only so much you can learn about the details of a story from your own perspective, and getting multiple perspectives is important and certainly worthwhile. If I want to be insulted I am more than capable of doing that myself, because I'm better aware of my flaws than anyone else is.
Post by: Ehndras on June 14, 2012, 01:14:32 pm
I still have the tendency to over-saturate my work with too many details, ultimately watering down the story with too more information than one should need to process.
Also, yeah. I had an obsession with the word crimson as a kid. :P
---
Concerning the criticism discussion, I don't really mind. You SHOULD be straightforward about criticism. I'd appreciate blunt sincerity over watered-down "I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'm going to dumb this down".
Criticize like a literary editor, not a friend. End of story.
Post by: Fishbreath on June 14, 2012, 01:31:37 pm
What about one of part-time jobs? Although I can certainly understand doing what you like and having a perfectly stable source of income besides; and having a somewhat easier process to receive paycheck / pay taxes.
I wonder what your day job is, though (if that's alright to ask).
I'm a software engineer, so I probably could get by on contract work and leave myself some more time for writing, but at the same time, I'll stick with the salary until I've proven that I can make at least some money off of books.
I still can't do dialogue for absolute shit, I'm at that very same level quite honestly. Also, if you don't want to read it then don't, quite simply. I'll read something someone posts even if I think its utter shit, but maybe that's just me.
I'm going to offer a tip, but you should keep this piece of advice in mind before you read it: one of Aaron Allston's Star Wars books noted, "You can't look dignified when you're having fun."
The part of dialogue I struggle with the most is differentiating characters. In the story I just finished, there isn't a lot of talking, so I kind of escaped, but the first scene in my new story involved a character who talks like Nathan Zachary from Crimson Skies and a wildly stereotypical Frenchman (it's pulp; I'm gonna milk the stereotypes for all they're worth). With a cast like that, I couldn't really expect to skate by like I've been doing. I was having trouble at first, but then I started doing the dialogue aloud with myself, and although I earned myself some funny looks for talking with a cadence and intonation befitting a 1920s radio drama hero and a guy with a ridiculous Fransh acCENT, I can read the dialogue I wrote and actually see the difference (although we'll see if my volunteer editors think so too).
Post by: Ehndras on June 14, 2012, 01:39:10 pm
Post by: fqllve on June 14, 2012, 01:56:57 pm
Concerning the criticism discussion, I don't really mind. You SHOULD be straightforward about criticism. I'd appreciate blunt sincerity over watered-down "I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'm going to dumb this down".I think you've completely misinterpreted my point. There's a difference between the kind of concrete and explicit feedback an editor provides, which is in my experience very straight forward, and insults. I don't think editors resort to insults very often because if an editor is bothering to give you feedback it means they already want to publish your work. If I ever got a letter that read 'Hey FUCKASS, I love your story but this line makes my tongue turn to lye in my mouth' I might think about submitting elsewhere.
Criticize like a literary editor, not a friend. End of story.
Anyway the kind of 'criticism' friends give is the least helpful of all because the entire spectrum from soul-crushingly terrible to pretty good is represented by a single line, 'I liked it.'
Post by: Ehndras on June 14, 2012, 02:06:02 pm
Never be afraid to tear apart every tiny little detail. ;) I usually see folks 'skim' with their criticism, rather than go heavily into detail about how much a particular idea sucks - and why.
Post by: fqllve on June 14, 2012, 02:13:55 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 14, 2012, 02:20:40 pm
Bahahaha, I would have loved to see/hear that!+1
@fqlive: Hey, cheer up, bro! I thought we got over that, no? Was correspondence with me so mortally insulting?
The thing with that incident was that, first, I didn't mean to make personal attacks; second, at one point I moved from the first paragraph to the whole piece and got overwhelmed. Yes, I honestly thought your story was complete garbage. Based on that I suggested that you should go back to step one: plot. There was some fooling with turns of phrase or something like that, but I think step one is the plot.
I don't know what more to say... I'd like to make amends, but I won't censor my opinion.
I don't remember calling you a FUCKASS, or indeed any names.
Post by: fqllve on June 14, 2012, 02:37:43 pm
Anyway, I'm not worried about it any more, I was just making a point about insults in general. I certainly don't mind when someone insults my story, I just don't think saying things like 'it's complete garbage' is really helpful because it doesn't tell me why you think it's garbage, which is the kind of feedback that I really need. It's even more important that a person with less experience than me receive that kind of criticism because at least while I have some ideas as to what you could object to about it they're not really going to know.
But yeah, we're cool. I'm not holding anything against you, especially since you didn't mean to make any personal attacks.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 14, 2012, 02:56:03 pm
Post by: Fiskav on June 14, 2012, 03:45:42 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 16, 2012, 09:57:41 am
Here ;D:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on June 16, 2012, 10:15:17 am
Post by: Supermikhail on June 16, 2012, 12:05:42 pm
Writer's Apprenticeship be damnedWait, what?
*Several minutes of intent staring at the OP.*
It says nowhere that it's only about prose writing! I'm gonna post a cat-grooming reference if I want to!
Er, in charade form.
Post by: fqllve on June 16, 2012, 05:48:30 pm
-^/--^
-^/--^/^
-^/-^/-^
-^-/-^/^-/-^
See how the last line is kind of all over the place? It's got a whole extra foot and the first three quarters of it are kind of loose, so it falls apart in the reading of it. It probably wouldn't sound so off if the meter wasn't as regular for the first part as it is, but how it is now they kind of clash. Something like 'And then to save the world' or 'And save the world or something' would fit better. With the second you have the added benefit on having the joke of the line as the punch-word, as opposed to world.
In the first line of the second verse, it's really weird for gonna to be accented at all, but it seems to fit best with it on the second syllable, so maybe think about changing that? Going to has the same stress pattern, although sounds much more stiff. Furthermore, the last line is hard to read rhythmically. That'll is hard to say as one syllable, but the line pretty much requires it, and encounter really throws off the pace of the reading. Find or get to or something similar to one of those would probably have a better flow.
With the little chorus part, I'm guessing your using means as in 'the goods necessary to create' which is a really unorthodox usage. Maybe try something like 'But for this case I've prepared.' Fewer syllables, less obscure meaning.
In the third verse, the last line is really tangled up. To keep with the meter I basically have to read 'how am I even' as only two syllables. Maybe something like 'How do I manage to even score a hit' would work better. Although I find the rhyme at the end kind of trite and forced, that might just be my inclination to find all rhymes forced. However, it does feel especially so.
The rest seems like it's better off, although I didn't really make it than far with my scansion because the subject matter doesn't really appeal to me.
Post by: Supermikhail on June 17, 2012, 02:17:59 am
The problem with reading that poem is... kind of twofold: first, I just remembered that it wasn't meant for the public, but just as an exercise. However, I guess I thought it would sort of go unnoticed in this thread, or at least no one would try to think about it too much. The second part comes from how I composed the piece, namely: got up in the morning after a strange computer-gamey dream, thought up a phrase and tried to find a pattern in it. For whatever reason, the pattern went all underground. So, it's not like the poem is meant to be strenuously figured out, it's that it wasn't meant for the public.
So, I don't know, do you have any desire to figure out which bits actually rhyme or rhythm with which, or should I spoil it?
Oh, last one. Yeah, I can see some rough word usage... I wish it were a piece I could bother about fixing...
Yeah yeah, I'm a hypocrite, it's a writer's apprenticeship, not writer's showmanship, I should have thought better about posting a several months old writing... but on the other hand I thought it was sort of good, considering the amount of time I had poured into it. And not that hard to figure out. :-\
Post by: fqllve on June 17, 2012, 02:52:07 am
You could actually try scanning poems you like, if you've never done it. I've found stuff like that immensely helpful. If you're not quite comfortable doing it here (http://www.winthrop.edu/uploadedFiles/cas/english/SnappyScansion.pdf) are a couple references (http://www4.ncsu.edu/unity/users/m/morillo/public/prosody1.htm).
Post by: Supermikhail on June 17, 2012, 03:05:58 am
Now, you wouldn't be surprised if I said that my poem follows an ABCD ABCD E pattern? (I don't know if capitals mean anything in this notation.)
Post by: Reudh on June 17, 2012, 03:13:49 am
In the throes of my depression in 2005, I wrote a 33 line poem that rhymed AABBCCAA. The (state) school took one look at it and said "you didn't meet the requirements", because I rhymed 'adieu' with 'blue'.
Post by: fqllve on June 17, 2012, 03:21:55 am
Post by: scriver on June 17, 2012, 03:42:02 am
Still, shameful to fail it on a thing like that if the rest of it rhymes.
Post by: fqllve on June 17, 2012, 04:06:25 am
Post by: scriver on June 17, 2012, 04:36:15 am
Post by: Reudh on June 17, 2012, 04:45:47 am
Post by: fqllve on June 17, 2012, 11:11:40 am
So! Stories not vowels (good name for a hipster folk ballad band).
Spoiler: There's Only One Way to Kill a Dragon (click to show/hide)
Post by: Supermikhail on June 17, 2012, 12:20:12 pm
Sadly, it's so ingrained in my memory that I really can't criticize. It's like... criticizing the Little Red Riding Hood. You can do lots of verbal things with it, but not criticize.
Post by: fqllve on June 17, 2012, 12:27:28 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 17, 2012, 12:32:32 pm
Post by: fqllve on June 17, 2012, 12:45:03 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 17, 2012, 01:05:17 pm
Post by: Supermikhail on June 22, 2012, 09:09:46 am
Post by: AlStar on June 28, 2012, 02:57:27 pm
For some content - I'm currently working on a collection of short stories, mostly by taking old works and attacking them with a red pen.
Here's one of the updated stories: (~770 words)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Any comments welcome.
Post by: WillowLuman on June 30, 2012, 04:44:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: schrocko88 on July 03, 2012, 12:54:00 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on July 08, 2012, 11:01:54 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dracken on July 09, 2012, 10:48:27 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on July 10, 2012, 10:10:56 am
Spoiler: On the Grammatical Rules of Dialog; or, a Treatise by Example (click to show/hide)
@schrocko: not bad. You have a tendency to use lots of synonyms for 'said', which is a stylistic choice I disagree with. Each individual use of 'said' is a bit bland, but if you make a habit of using it preferentially, other dialog words stand out much more when you use them. In the end, I think you come out ahead on zest by being stingy with the dialog tags.
@Tsuchigumo: there were a few points where I thought your phrasing was a bit awkward. If you want I can go line-by-line and find them again. More generally, I thought Sanya's diction was off: she told the story sort of like she was the narrator in a written story, and although (as TVtropes says) realistic diction is unrealistic, you tend to describe things differently when you tell a story orally. The part that stuck out to me was "Having moved, I had one opportunity [...]" It's not terribly common to open with a participle phrase in conversational English, and participle phrases in conversational Russian are, as I understand it, practically unheard of. That said, the story and the milieu reminded me of something I read in a compilation of science fiction war stories, and if you were aiming for a bleak tone you're right on.
@HugoLuman: you absolutely nailed the opening line. You use 'that day' again in the next sentence or two, and could probably leave it out there. Later on, you say, "it was just the usual minor surprise at seeing a stranger," and although I don't usually say much on word choice for fear of inserting my voice into someone else's story, I don't like 'minor surprise' at all. It's too clinical. 'Mild surprise' expresses the same quantity of it, and 'mild' has connotations of gentleness and harmlessness, too.
Post by: Willfor on July 10, 2012, 05:54:01 pm
@schrocko: not bad. You have a tendency to use lots of synonyms for 'said', which is a stylistic choice I disagree with. Each individual use of 'said' is a bit bland, but if you make a habit of using it preferentially, other dialog words stand out much more when you use them. In the end, I think you come out ahead on zest by being stingy with the dialog tags.The best reasoning I've heard for this is because "said" becomes invisible to the mind as you're reading. Ideally, the dialogue itself should be able to stand without embellishment from a different tag so that the tag at the end is a courtesy at best. When you encounter a dialogue tag that isn't "said" it forces your brain to process it, and it has the chance of throwing you out of the moment. A dialogue tag other than "said" is rarely worth the additional thought expense when the reader should be thinking entirely about the dialogue that is going on, or the actions surrounding it.
It's the difference between stained glass and windshield glass. If the poetry (stained glass, the words themselves are what is important) is the focus then you can get away with it. If the story (windshield glass, what's behind the words -- the story you're trying to tell -- is important) is the focus, then you can only rarely get away with it. Perfecting even one of these approaches takes years of work; trying to be good at the poetry and story at the same time is a maddening effort with only a few masters comparatively.
Post by: Fishbreath on July 10, 2012, 09:03:20 pm
Post by: Fishbreath on July 12, 2012, 06:05:50 pm
Spoiler: Cover (click to show/hide)
I've had a few possibilities mentioned by friends I've bounced it off of already:
1. Give the seal some damage texture.
2. Add some text somewhere in the seal's vicinity to mention that it's for the Confederate military.
3. Fiddle with the stars in the outer ring of the seal a bit; they seem like they could do with being just a hair further out in the circle, as annoying as that is to do.
The aliasing on the stars is because I was lazy and rendered at a small size. I don't think it'll show up when it's resized down from the giant size Smashwords recommends.
Post by: AlStar on July 12, 2012, 11:55:44 pm
I also don't think that the stark black and white is working. If it's a book that relates to the Confederacy, maybe make the stars white, the outer ring blue, on a red field?
My 2c, anyway. I'll admit that I've never claimed to be a graphics artist.
Post by: Fishbreath on July 13, 2012, 06:59:42 am
Maybe I should ask the engravers guild. :P
Post by: quinnr on July 17, 2012, 07:23:56 am
I don't like that the black band only gets about 85% across the image - I think it should go all the way across.
I also don't think that the stark black and white is working. If it's a book that relates to the Confederacy, maybe make the stars white, the outer ring blue, on a red field?
My 2c, anyway. I'll admit that I've never claimed to be a graphics artist.
Yeah, I think it would look a little bit better if the band went across the whole page thing as well. I do think that the black and white makes it stand out, but just a wee bit of texture on it would make it a little more noticeable and memorable.
Anyways, do you people look at poetry? Here's a poem I wrote earlier this year...all of my peers enjoyed it, but I'd like to know if other people enjoy it as well. I saw it lying around my USB drive and thought I'd share.
Spoiler: Turkish Delight (click to show/hide)
Post by: Lieber on July 22, 2012, 04:36:06 pm
Tales of Dilavia: The Prophecy
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reudh on July 23, 2012, 06:07:27 am
I intend to port this thread to the KAG forums later. :D
My expert opinion is thus:
While your world is well realised, your grammar lets down the fantasy. Fantasy is a very, very tough genre to write and get correct, but you've done a pretty good job.
I cannot stress grammar and spelling enough; if you intend to publish this it will NEVER get past a publisher unless it has correct spelling or grammar.
Quote
The middle of the city had most of the information on the whereabouts, the King’s Castle, a few hotels and restaurants, and the Tree House, not exactly a stronghold but still the place where the Tree Lover Clan stayed. At the East, the road seemed to be blocked off. He asked what was the problem over there but the only answers he got were: “Bad place to be fellow” or “Don’t ask, you’ll attract less problems”.
You tend to "Tell" us what is happening rather than "Show"ing us. I'll try and rewrite this paragraph so that it shows more than it tells.
Quote
In the middle of the city, there was a grand sign standing. On it could be found directions to the most important parts of the city; the King's Castle, and the hotels and restaurants. There was also the 'Tree House' - not really a stronghold, but it was where the Tree Lover Clan called their home. Heading to the east of the city, the road appeared to be blocked. Asking around, Lieber could not find out much, just that 'It's a bad place to be, fellow'.
See how that shows more of the world Lieber is in? By including details and letting the reader fill in part but not all of the info, you create a vibrant world that is different for every person reading.
Overall I'd say you're a good writer, but you are embarking on a difficult path with fantasy. As David Eddings, author of the Belgariad and the Malloreon, some of the best modern fantasy said, "If you think you are ready to write fantasy, write a million words, then throw it away. If you still want to write fantasy then you have what it takes."
Post by: AlStar on July 23, 2012, 09:00:01 am
Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums but anyway, I'm currently writing a story and I really want some "expert" opinion.
First off, welcome to the forums.
Secondly, I totally agree with Reudh about the absolute need for good grammar.
With that out of the way, here's my take (on your first chapter, anyway.)
First take - Chapter 1 isn't really a chapter. I'd call it, at most, a prologue. Honestly, I think you'd probably be better served taking out Lieber's single sentence and just info dumping, if that's what you're going to do.
Currently, the way you currently have the first chapter organized, you make it sound like the info dump is what Lieber believes in as a priest.
Quote
Little is known about Driak and the Dark Elves since the distance between the two continents is really high and the only Humans to have gone there have never returned. Dilavia however is composed of three different countries: Forg, where the story takes place, Aeli and Brai.Little is known about Driak or the Dark Elves because the continents are far apart.
If no one has ever returned from a trip to the other continent, how does Lieber/the Humans even know it exists, let alone who lives there?
Dilavia is broken into three kingdoms: Forg, Aeli and Brai. (Don't put 'where the story takes place.' ... Also, not needed because right after the info dump, you go on to say that Lieber arrives at Forg.)
Your little info blurbs about the kingdoms is confusing. You've got kingdoms with kings, but then you say there's some kind of 'high king' that rules over the kings. If that's the case, then you don't have three kingdoms, you've got ONE kingdom that's broken into three duchies.
Forg has a king, but the dude doesn't appear to have a name.
It's rather condescending to introduce a queen as "doesn’t have a King but a Queen". Think about how people talk about Queen Elizabeth - they don't say "that queen who's not a king." She simply is - that's how royalty works.
I'd get rid of "not so different from Greek Mythology in our world." Breaks immersion.
Quote
The Boat Lieber traveled on came to a stop: he had arrived at the capital of Forg. However, war had ravaged the city and most of the clan strongholds (based on their god) were in ruin or in the middle of reconstruction. But Lieber had come here for one reason: finding the ruins of the Priest Temple.
There's no need for "However," in there. the '(based on their god)' part is confusing - what's it referencing?
Lieber appears to be searching for a Temple of Priests (or maybe a Temple to Priests)... which is... well, kinda odd. (Of course, this is the world where the Paladins hang out in Paladin Tower, so maybe these are just a very banal people.)
Post by: Tiruin on July 23, 2012, 09:02:56 am
Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums but anyway, I'm currently writing a story and I really want some "expert" opinion.
Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums...
...King Arthur's Gold Forums...
*Looks at Reudh. :P
Anyway, PM'd PoTL, hope he would reply soon on updating the OP. :D
Post by: Phantom of The Library on July 23, 2012, 11:37:29 pm
Just posting to say how glad I am that this thing is still alive despite the neglect I've given it.
I should be able to start managing it again and giving critiques in a week or so when I'll finally have significant amounts of free time again.
I'll look through the thread and actually get around to adding the resources that have been submitted, in the future though: PM any you want to add to me so that I don't miss any as I won't always have the time to read through the entire thing.
Several months later...
OP is finally updated, thanks for reminding me Tiruin!
Let me know if I missed anything.
Post by: Lieber on July 25, 2012, 05:48:46 am
Hi, I'm sure nobody here knows me, but I'm very interested in these kind of threads. I saw someone post a link here on the King Arthur's Gold Forums but anyway, I'm currently writing a story and I really want some "expert" opinion.
First off, welcome to the forums.
Secondly, I totally agree with Reudh about the absolute need for good grammar.
With that out of the way, here's my take (on your first chapter, anyway.)
First take - Chapter 1 isn't really a chapter. I'd call it, at most, a prologue. Honestly, I think you'd probably be better served taking out Lieber's single sentence and just info dumping, if that's what you're going to do.
Currently, the way you currently have the first chapter organized, you make it sound like the info dump is what Lieber believes in as a priest.QuoteLittle is known about Driak and the Dark Elves since the distance between the two continents is really high and the only Humans to have gone there have never returned. Dilavia however is composed of three different countries: Forg, where the story takes place, Aeli and Brai.Little is known about Driak or the Dark Elves because the continents are far apart.
If no one has ever returned from a trip to the other continent, how does Lieber/the Humans even know it exists, let alone who lives there?
Dilavia is broken into three kingdoms: Forg, Aeli and Brai. (Don't put 'where the story takes place.' ... Also, not needed because right after the info dump, you go on to say that Lieber arrives at Forg.)
Your little info blurbs about the kingdoms is confusing. You've got kingdoms with kings, but then you say there's some kind of 'high king' that rules over the kings. If that's the case, then you don't have three kingdoms, you've got ONE kingdom that's broken into three duchies.
Forg has a king, but the dude doesn't appear to have a name.
It's rather condescending to introduce a queen as "doesn’t have a King but a Queen". Think about how people talk about Queen Elizabeth - they don't say "that queen who's not a king." She simply is - that's how royalty works.
I'd get rid of "not so different from Greek Mythology in our world." Breaks immersion.QuoteThe Boat Lieber traveled on came to a stop: he had arrived at the capital of Forg. However, war had ravaged the city and most of the clan strongholds (based on their god) were in ruin or in the middle of reconstruction. But Lieber had come here for one reason: finding the ruins of the Priest Temple.
There's no need for "However," in there. the '(based on their god)' part is confusing - what's it referencing?
Lieber appears to be searching for a Temple of Priests (or maybe a Temple to Priests)... which is... well, kinda odd. (Of course, this is the world where the Paladins hang out in Paladin Tower, so maybe these are just a very banal people.)
Thanks, I'll try to correct as much as I can.
Post by: AlStar on July 25, 2012, 08:59:37 am
Anyway, since you seem to be receptive to input and I've got some time, lemme take a look at chapter 2.
Quote
Lieber got out of the boat, still groggy and took his first step in the city.This might just be personal preference, but I'd put it Still groggy, Lieber got out of the boat and took his first steps into the city.
Quote
The middle of the city had most of the information on the whereabouts, the King’s Castle, a few hotels and restaurants, and the Tree House, not exactly a stronghold but still the place where the Tree Lover Clan stayed.The line "had most of the information on the whereabouts" is very confusing.
I think Reudh did a fine job reworking this sentence, although I don't know if I agree that the above line means that there's a giant sign (Disneyland style, perhaps?) sitting the middle of the city.
Quote
At the East, the road seemed to be blocked off. He asked what was the problem over there but the only answers he got were: “Bad place to be fellow” or “Don’t ask, you’ll attract less problems”.To the East, the road appeared to be blocked off.
He was intrigued so he left to the East, keeping a knife under his sleeve just in case.
It's somewhat under where we are - is it the east side of the city? East of the city?
It seems like he heads off into the wilderness, so I'd assume the second, but in that case, why'd he ask for a map of the city if he's not going there? (And why do we get that description of the center of the city if he's not wandering around inside of it?)
It'd be nice to get a little more into Lieber's head to know why he goes down a blocked path that several people have specifically told him to stay away from. He acknowledges that it could be dangerous (since he slips a knife into his sleeve), so he must have a pretty good reason to go there.
I mean, I wouldn't wander somewhere I'd been told was dangerous just for shits and giggles, and it stretches my belief that Lieber would do so.
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After walking a long road he noticed a small cabin that seemed abandoned. But as he walked over and looked at the sign, it was too late.[What sign?
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Three men jumped out of the trees surrounding the cabin and pointed their bows, except one who approached him with a knife in his hand and started talking to the poor priest:Three men jumped out of the trees surrounding the cabin. Two aimed bows at Lieber, while the third approached him with a knife in hand. "Give us your money, priest!" He shouted.
“Give us your money priest!” the man said.
Is Lieber wearing some kind of obvious priestly garb? Like is he wearing a monk's outfit or something? Giant cross on his chest? How does a random ruffian know he's a priest upon first seeing him? It would probably be worthwhile to work in a physical description of Lieber earlier, since either what he looks like or what he's wearing apparently makes him stand out in a crowd.
I'm a fan of 'show, don't tell', and would probably get rid of "Lieber tried to talk his way out"
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-You are lying. I smell the scent of money on you and you wouldn’t be keeping that knife in your sleeve unless you had something to protect! Give us your pouch and you will leave unharmed!” the thief responded.How would the thug know that Lieber has a knife up his sleeve, unless it's really obvious (which would defeat the point of keeping a knife up his sleeve) or he's siezed it from Lieber (which we should've been told.) Also, people rarely "respond" with sentences that end with explanation points.
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Lieber was in troubleduh.
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and he started to walk slowly away but another of the thiefs jumped behind him.
It'd make more sense for Lieber to back away slowly (otherwise he's turning his back on his attackers and just casually strolling away.)
Thieves.
Does this mean that there are now four thieves, or did one of the first two jump behind him? It's unclear.
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He was cornered, he couldn’t believe he let his curiosity take over him. He closed his eyes, ready to take the blow whenIs there any reason why he doesn't just give over his money to the thieves? Is it because he honestly doesn't have any? Does he have something so valuable that he can't give it up? We don't know. You must tell us. It seems rather fatalistic of Lieber to just lay down to die with only a single sentence in his own defense.
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when out of nowhere a woman in cyan colored armor jumped on the thief with the knife and removed his head right off of his shoulders and ran to the two other thieves holding the bows.You've taken what could be a visually interesting action scene and rendered it as lifeless as the poor knife-wielding thug. First off - what is she armed with? Currently, she apparently jumps on the guy's back and just rips his head off with her bare hands (and if that is what she does, tells us! That'd be quite the feat!) Secondly, since it appears that there are only three thugs (not four) - there's no way for her physically to run to both bow thieves (who, by the way, are the most useless thugs ever - they're armed with bows! They should shoot at her!), since you've told us that one of the bow-thieves walked around to behind Lieber.
They were like this:
Code: [Select]
Cabin
Bow Bow
Knife
Lieber
Then you told us they went like this:Code: [Select]
Cabin
Bow
Knife
Lieber
BowQuote
Lieber took advantage of this moment to jump out of the way and hide into the bushes while the woman slayed the other thieves.She just slays them? They don't put up any fight whatsoever? I think you're leaving a lot on the table by not giving this the cinematic fight scene it deserves - your mysterious knight in cyan should get her moment in the sun.
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He couldn’t believe his eyes, a woman wearing heavy armor but still managing to perform acrobatic moves between each thief and in moments they all dropped dead on the ground. He was afraid that she would kill him but in fact she did the exact opposite, by approaching him and helping him get off the ground.He couldn't believe his eyes: the woman was wearing heavy armor, but still managed to perform acrobatic moves as she moved between each thief. (Battle description should go here.) In moments, both thieves lay dead on the ground.
The exact opposite of killing someone would be either giving birth to them or resurrecting them, not picking them off the ground.
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“You were in trouble there sir, those thieves would have killed you if I didn’t come earlier, are you okay?”"You were in trouble there - those thieves would have killed you if I hadn't shown up/come in time; are you okay?"
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“Why… Yes I am fine thanks to you, but forgive me for asking this so directly but… who are you?”He didn't ask her what she is, he asked for her name.
The woman seemed amused, she removed her helmet, showing her long brown hair and looked straight into his eyes.
“I am a Paladin. You didn’t recognize the armor?” she said smiling.
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“Well, I have to go know, write to my mentor that I killed a few thieves, If you want to talk you can always come by to Paladin Tower”.This is the most nonchalant description of killing three men ever.
Also, I said this last time, but... Priest Temple? Paladin Tower? Seriously banal people here. "I will name this thing for what it contains."
Anyway, hopefully you're getting something out of all of this. Also, all opinions are my own - I am not an editor, and I am not your editor... because if I was, you'd be paying me for it.
Post by: Fishbreath on July 25, 2012, 09:17:38 am
Post by: AlStar on July 25, 2012, 09:47:13 am
A lot of place names are pretty banal, when you think about it: the White House, the Pentagon, No. 10 Downing Street, the Kremlin. Although, come to think of it, those are mostly named for what they are, rather than what they hold.
Exactly - if it was the White/Red/Blue/Green Tower (and it turned out that the tower was, in fact, that color,) I wouldn't have blinked.
It'd be like if the White House was called President House.
Post by: Lieber on July 25, 2012, 11:26:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You did make me laugh at your last sentence :) Anyway, I will rewrite the battle sequence and try to add a bit more description to Lieber. About the names of the strongholds, the only ones presented are Paladin Tower, Priest Temple and the Tree House. There are quite a few other clans, these three are the only ones that sound banal. If you aren't busy, please continue giving your advice, I appreciate it and once everything has been updated I'll post it here.
Post by: Doomblade187 on July 25, 2012, 08:45:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Feedback is greatly desired.
Post by: fqllve on July 26, 2012, 04:48:52 am
While my early years are undistinguished, with the average school and life experiences at my fingers for a ten-year-old at the time, it is around here that my story takes a … different turn. For it was on my eleventh birthday, February 1, 2036, that an amazing occurrence took place. Humanity made contact.You could honestly probably cut this paragraph too and begin with the next. I think that would make a much more intriguing opening as this paragraph is a little dry.
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One could say that on that day, the world froze like a deer in the headlights of a speeding car.Deer in headlights is a pretty cliched metaphor, so I'd advise against using it, but if you insist, "the world froze like a deer in headlights," is significantly stronger as I'm guessing everyone is familiar enough with the phrase to understand it abridged (and familiar enough with headlights for that matter).
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We had searched for years for intelligent life out there, with our best equipment, and while the Moon and Mars were just being colonized by the space programs with small populations, we had never expected something like them. To start, the movies were all wrong. Well, most of them anyway. We had always expected aliens to be somewhat like us, with blood and organs and technology.Remember, swords are technology, and under some definitions even language may be considered technology. For example, Wikipedia's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Technology): "Technology is the making, modification, usage, and knowledge of tools, machines, techniques, crafts, systems, methods of organization, in order to solve a problem, improve a preexisting solution to a problem, achieve a goal or perform a specific function."
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It wasn’t until well after the first meeting was over that this became apparent. How else could they survive without organs, we thought, as we thought about the things we had seen.I hope you intend to reveal more about how these creatures have replaced organ functions with magic, because, to me, it's probably the most interesting thing you've written so far.
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Various groups were shouting for them not to set foot on Earth again, for them to be exterminated, that they should serve us alone. Amazingly, the first year passed without any major incidents.Should be "leave us alone," of course. Also, I feel like this is a little unfair. You mention a xenophobic reaction, but in all likelihood there would be reactions tending towards both extremes.
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They were still novices at war to us, in a way. They did not systematically murder millions, start wars over petty offenses, or engage the entire world in a war. Until then.I find this pretty hard to believe. Sure, there are ways to make it believable, it's just fiction after all, but in a world where life must be consumed for life to be sustained I'm going to require a pretty good explanation for something like that.
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It should be noted that the Vaysilith are a young race, compared to us in the terms of generations.I also find this hard to believe because humans are a young species. Again, it's not impossible, but you're going to have to provide some compelling justification for it.
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Life (Vay in the language of the Vaysilith) , as it is known today became the driving force behind their lives, feeding and powering them and their world.I believe you're using life to refer to some heretofore unknown metaphysical force akin to qi. The problem is that life already refers to some kind of intangible force or quality that animates. If I'm right, that's going to get extremely confusing down the line. If I'm wrong, perhaps you should reword this sentence for clarity.
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Three quarters of the deaths were from combat-related deaths and injuries, the remaining quarter being those who exhausted their life, left a dried husk, burned out by the energies they used as they overdrew on themselves.I'm curious as to how creatures such as the ones you described would actually fight. Do they just fight with the swords you mentioned (what exactly are the swords for other than martial use? They way you mention them seems to place importance on them beyond just combat.) if so, how could warfare be carried out on such a catastrophic scale with only melee weapons?
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Those who had not felt the war scoffed at them, ridiculing them.How was anyone left untouched by a war that destroyed nearly half the population and a quarter of the arable land? I find it hard to believe that even a single person would remain untouched.
All in all I feel like there isn't really enough meat on these bones to compel me forward. You have a first person narrator, but you fail to capitalize on that for your opening and instead give us a very cursory history lesson, which isn't necessarily bad, per se, but it is too brief to be truly compelling and reminds me quite a bit of those history books that try to give a broad overview at the expense of all the interesting bits. I need more detail about the Vaysilith to want to read more about them, there are some intriguing ideas in there, but you hardly even devote a full sentence to many of them. I would recommend just trying to start with an introduction of the narrator, because a good protagonist is always the best way to a reader's heart, but if you feel the Vaysilith must be introduced before the protagonist then you should truly introduce them. In the first draft? Give us all the most interesting pieces of information about them, as early as possible, and then cut anything that overburdens the text or isn't really useful or relevant. I also think you should work through the logic of your statements a bit more. Remember, everything requires a justification and the moment a reader feels like something is improperly justified they're going to call bullshit on you. Your job as a writer is to stop that before it can even happen.
Post by: AlStar on July 26, 2012, 04:25:55 pm
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Lieber arrived to a place named Tower Hotel due to it’s proximity to the Paladin Tower. He remembered that it was the only Clan Stronghold to have sustained minimal damage during the war.Lieber just kind of pops into place here - it might be worth mentioning at the end of the previous chapter or start of this one that he follows after Pheonix (or, as it would appear, that it turns out that he heads in the same direction as her, as that's the direction to the Temple... not that he knew that when he started walking along the road (note: having someone tell him that the Temple is on that road would be a plausable reason to get him to walk somewhere known to be dangerous).)
I'd get rid of "to a place named" and "due to it’s proximity to the Paladin Tower". It's called the Tower Hotel. This is an instance of banal naming is both logical and useful.
I don't like the "Lieber remembered", especially since there doesn't seem to be a need for it - just have him look and actually see that the Tower is intact. From there, his mind can wander over to why it is that the tower remained standing.
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The Paladins were known to have been elite fighters during that war and know try to get rid of the most notable enemies of the city: the Thief Clan and the Assassin Clan.Clan seems like a strange thing for thieves to have, as it suggests a blood link between members. So having a thieves clan would be akin to the Beagle Boys. Theives tend to form guilds - random people who come together out of like professions, interests, etc.
I'd argue that most assassins would also be guilds, unless you've got Naruto-like system of villages of assassins going on here.
And... quitting time. I'll get back to this once I get home.
Post by: Lieber on July 26, 2012, 06:07:49 pm
Post by: AlStar on July 26, 2012, 11:45:25 pm
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There has always been conflict between clans but they were the order of the world. There was balance. And the only clan to have been fully wiped out was the Necromancer Clan during the Coup of Y12 (all events happen after the Arventus Rebellion that was a struggle to bring society equal. It is at that moment where Dilavia adopts the Religion of the Nine and create the clans.) where the Necromancers planned to kill the King Aerin the Brave but ultimately failed because of the Paladins, that completely obliterated the Necromancer Clan after that.This is a very confusingly worded section. You've got different time periods interacting within the same sentence.
The Necromancer Clan has been destroyed. The Coup of Y12 created the clans. The Coup of Y12 was when the Necromancers rebelled against the king.
So I guess that the Necromancers became a clan during the coup, and then were immediately destroyed?
Also, there's an Arventus Rebellion which may or may not be the same thing as the Coup of Y12, or may have caused the Coup of Y12.
You also tell us the Necromancers were wiped out twice in this one paragraph. I'd get rid of the first instance.
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Lieber looked up at the tower, lit up and seemed full of activity. He opened the door of the hotel. A few people were still inside having drinks. He mostly found Builders and Guards, due to the fact that the other clans lived either in houses or their strongholds, no matter how damaged they were.It's unclear if he's looking at the Paladin Tower or the Tower Hotel, especially since he then immediately goes into the hotel.
In the Middle Ages (or middle-ages equivalent), really the only people who would stay in a hotel are travelers and merchants. Builders and guards would certainly stop in for a drink and food, but they probably wouldn't stay there (well, other then caravan guards, I suppose.) They'd either stay wherever they were working or in tents/cabins in the local area.
Does everyone in this world wear a patch on their sleeve that states their occupation?
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He asked the hotel owner for a room just for the night since he wasn’t planning on staying long. Just a quick trip to the ruined Priest Temple to find old books precious for the Clan.The way you've got this worded, it sounds like he's telling the hotel owner "I'm not planning on staying long; just a quick to the ruined Priest Temple to find old books precious for the Clan." I'm not sure if that's your intention.
The next day, he woke up early, eager to meet
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“Hello there.You're not setting up this conversation correctly, it should look something like this:
-Good morning madam!
-Just call me Pheonix, and now that I think of it, what’s your name?
-I’m Lieber.
-Lieber? Please come in, tell me of your business in this, once, beautiful city?”
"Hi!"
"Hello!"
"I'm speaking here."
"I reply to you."
I'm confused - is this stronghold inside the city (as Phoenix seems to be stating) or in the middle of the wilderness, beyond a cabin along a blocked road that heads to the East (as the text seems to be saying)?
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“But, I have to find those books!” Lieber said alarminglyLieber said, alarmed.
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Right at the moment he was about to walk out of the Tower, Pheonix told him:As he was headed out of the Tower, Phoenix said:
It seems unlikely that ancient books would survive the fall into a crevasse (with a building falling on top of them, no less.) But, whatever - I'll give you the benefit of a doubt.
Post by: Lieber on July 27, 2012, 06:03:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
IMPROVED STORY:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on August 07, 2012, 02:06:09 pm
Post by: Repulsion on August 08, 2012, 09:15:00 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The cut-off is quite obvious :P
Post by: Fishbreath on August 13, 2012, 12:16:39 pm
In other news, I was talking with one of my friends earlier, and I cited Chandler's Law (pulp author Raymond Chandler's advice that "when in doubt [about what happens next], have a man burst through the door with a gun in his hand"). He suggested that would make for a potentially hilarious collaborative writing exercise: every participant writes 800 or 1000 words, and has to begin his section with someone with a gun bursting through the door.
Post by: AlStar on August 14, 2012, 11:48:00 am
Hmm. Thought I'd might as well post a story I worked on through my vacation, but haven't recently done much with it. Should start again soon, though. Not a whole lot of it, but I'll post what I got.
I'll give my 2c on this, if you like.
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The Comm TV showed a well-shaved man in a plain black uniform, standing stoically in front of a camera, presumably. “We’ve investigated all the leads, and we are sure that we’ve found it this time; on an old freighter heading towards the Callifras Spaceport.”I don't like the positioning of "presumably" here. I'd move it to after "uniform,".
Any reason that he uses contractions some places ("We've") but not others ("we are")? If there isn't, you should probably pick one ("We have") or the other ("We're") and stick to it.
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The man in the black suit leaned back in his office chair, which was well-padded with black leather, to the fortunate comfort of whoever wished to sit in it.
Suggestion: The man in the black suit leaned back in his comfortable, well-padded leather office chair.
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All they had to do was send in a retrieval team before anybody else did so, and before the ship landed, of course.
Suggestion: All they had to do was be the first to send in a retrieval team before the ship landed.
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After a few seconds, the entire wall cleared and suddenly it was a panoramic, breathtaking view of space. Mars was visible in the upper-right, half of the now-green planet in darkness.
Suggestion: After a few seconds, the entire wall cleared to reveal a breathtaking panormic view of space. Mars, now fully terraformed, was visible in the upper-right corner, its green surface half in darkness.
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The window re-darkened behind him."Re-darkened"? I'd go with "Faded back to opacity."
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“Nothing can really stop me now, can it?” He rubbed his hands together. “Funny, one of those apparently reputable diviners sent me a message that sai- Damnit, Buc, are you still on the TV?”
Buc nervously brushed some dust off his uniform and glanced around “Yes, I am still on the TV, sir. Should I possibl-“
“Yes! Go, idiot!” The man glared at Buc until Buc leaned over and flicked a switch, upon which the TV flicked off.
Suggestion: "Nothing can really stop me now, can it?" He said to himself, rubbing his hands together. "Funny, one of those apparently reputable diviners sent me a message that sai..." He noticed that the screen in front of him still held the man in black uniform, who was nervously twitching as he held his position. "Damnit, Buc - are you still there?"
"Um, yes sir." Buc replied, brushing an invisible fleck of dust off his uniform. "Did you want..."
"Yes! Go, you idiot!" the man roared, causing Buc to jump for a switch, leaving the screen blank.
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Sighing, he sagged into his chair. He opened a drawer in his black desk and pulled out a paper-thin screen, turning it on. A folder with several files stored away appeared, and he opened one, a message.
I think this entire bit could be shortened to just "Sighing, he sagged into his chair and brought up a report on his screen."
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“Too many unknown factors, all the time,’ the man said, grumbling. “There is so much only time will tell, and sometimes there is simply not enough time.” The man put a hand over his heart and blankly stared at the clock on his wall, which had just struck 12 PM.
“No, simply not enough,” he whispered quietly.
I know you're trying to impress that time is an important factor, but I'd try to do it some other way than repeating "time" 3 times in a row.
Also, 12 PM is noon; so unless he's late for lunch, I think you mean 12 AM (midnight.)
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Arn smiled, leaning against the side of the metal ramp that led up to the huge freighter, the captain of the ship talking to an obscure person in a hood not ten feet to his right. The captain knew him, and, like most people, ignored him. Arn wasn’t much of a sight; many of his clothes were more like experiments in sewing than actual clothes, and he was scruffy-looking, even scarred in some places, obvious signs of someone who lived in a rough ghetto where even the environment was the enemy.
The way you've got this worded, it sounds like you're describing the obscure person in a hood, not Arn.
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“I would hope so... who is that?” This time, the hooded man pointed towards Arn. Arn pretended not to notice, staring straight ahead as he was for the past few minutes. The captain glanced over at him and shrugged.
“A nobody. He got taken on by one of those smiths who made it big in the metal-crafting industry, or as big as you can get, anyway. I guess the smith owed him something, or he paid somehow. Either way, don’t worry about him.” The captain turned back to the hooded man, and the hooded man nodded once in understanding and turned back to the captain. Case in point: everyone ignored Arn.
I think that it'd be better for Arn to go unnoticed entirely, without the man in the cloak seeing him and the wierd reply from the captain to not 'worry about him.'
Makes it sound like the captain is trying to run some kind of scam, and it makes the man in the cloak seem like an idiot, since he should (at very least) tell the captain to shut the hell up about the cargo in front of people, and more likely should immediately start freaking out that someone is listening in to their conversation.
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The captain nodded several times and smiled. Presumably seeing that the captain understood, the hooded man took one last glance around and walked away.
Ditch the 'presumably'.
Anyway, I think it's a good start, and look forward to seeing more of it.
Post by: Repulsion on August 14, 2012, 12:43:58 pm
I think you have already guessed that the story will involve many... factions, as it were. If you did, you guessed right.
Post by: schrocko88 on August 15, 2012, 03:32:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reudh on September 01, 2012, 06:45:43 am
I reckon' this page needs a CPR too, so...
HIYA, THREAD, ARISE!
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on September 01, 2012, 10:22:10 pm
The small, abandoned town that had become a warzone was vacant again. There stood only three soldiers now, surrounded by bodies, shells, and blood.
Rain had began to fall mid-combat, slowly working the blood clean. It was still coming down, with no end in sight.
One of the remaining soldiers stood in the rain. His helmet lie on the ground next to him, and a smoldering cigarette hung from his mouth. His gun hung loosely from his side as he looked down at one of the bodies. The cigarette quit burning, completely turned to ashes, as the man expressionlessly lit another and put it to his lips.
Not far away were two other soldiers, one with a disproportionately large rifle strapped to her back.
She was sobbing gently, enveloped in the arms of the third soldier. He was a large man, bear-like in build, his rifle slung across his back as well. He wrapped his arms around the fragile-looking sniper, a lost and forlorn look on his face as he did his best to comfort her.
She was nearly crying herself to sleep in the man's arms, her sobs becoming quieter and quieter. Her eyes seemed dull and lightless as she cried, unable to speak anymore, not wanting to speak anymore. She managed to squeak out a few more words between sobs.
"Damnit... W-why is it that... Why did Ferret have to die? Why... does it hurt so much... even though we didn't get shot..?"
The big guy hugging her, appropriately nicknamed Bear, only held her tighter and whispered in her ear.
"It's because he was a nice guy. Wars aren't a place for nice people."
The sniper, "Hawk", only cried harder after hearing Bear's words.
The man in the rain looked up after what must have been at least 30 minutes. Rain was dripping off of his face, and he barely took notice.
"Good luck out there... Ferret."
The man pulled out a pistol and fired into the air. One, two, three, he fired until his magazine ran dry. He kept pulling the trigger, over and over.
Hawk had finally given out and fallen asleep in Bear's arms. He gently picked her up and took her inside one of the buildings nearby.
Outside, a faint voice was heard.
"Sorry about that... I didn't have enough bullets for 21."
The man known as Gold Dust dropped the pistol and looked around, almost as though for the first time. Bear emerged from the building and joined up with him. "I'm ready, Gold Dust. Let's get him home proper.
Gold Dust and Bear lifted one of the corpses, long since drained of blood and left with a hole in it's chest. This body belonged to Ferret. The two moved Ferret's body out of the rain, and went inside to check on Hawk's radio equipment.
---
After the rain gave in a little, Gold Dust finally got to HQ on the radio. Hawk was still asleep, albeit fitfully so, and Bear watched over her.
"This is Hound Team 2. Report, HQ."
"This is U.S. Blue HQ, verify?"
"Hotel-niner-oh-Whiskey-Foxtrot-Two."
"What's your status, Hound Team 2?"
"We have a man down, confirmed KIA. Requesting evac chopper."
"We have a lock on your coordinates, the nearest transport chopper's a good ten minutes out. Is your mission complete?"
"I hope so, HQ. Any more of these bastards show up and try to kill my men again and they'll be begging for an off-the-record interrogation room."
"Be careful. Blue HQ out."
Bear looked back at Gold Dust.
"You'd better take some time off when we get back."
"Yeah. I will. But this ain't exactly a vacation home."
"Hell no it isn't. Let's just wait things out."
The radio crackled to life again, but this time it was spewing Russian. Gold Dust listened carefully.
"They're on to us. The remainder of that squad we took down, looks like at least three groups. Let's get ready while we can, we've got all of three minutes."
Bear stepped outside and grabbed an LMG off of one of the soldiers, and whatever ammo he could grab. Gold Dust picked up any grenades or guns he could carry on his person, and they both returned to the house.
The radio crackled to life again before Bear shut it off.
"Here's the afterparty..."
"I'm going to kill every last one of these bastards. If any of them live, I'm sure they'll LOVE HQ when I get done with them."
Bear, on the other hand, nervously looked back at Hawk. She wasn't a sound sleeper, but she had been awake for 72 hours before crying herself to sleep. She'd be defenseless until then."
"I don't care what you do so long as you live, Gold Dust. My goal is to make sure Hawk lives through this."
"You'd better live too, you crazy sonofabitch. I know what you're known for."
"I'm still alive because of it."
---
An opening to a war story chapter. This is after a close squadmate dies, and there's still a ton of emotions flying. Bear is focused but worn down and Gold Dust won't care much for his life right now. That will come into play... later.
Post by: AlStar on September 10, 2012, 10:53:56 am
Tsuchigumo, you didn't actually mention if you wanted feedback on your piece, but since I've got some free time (and because I don't just want to say "bump",) I'll throw some your way.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Just the first part for now (this takes longer then you'd think), if you're interested I can do the rest.
Post by: Eek-A-Mouse on September 11, 2012, 11:26:41 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on September 12, 2012, 07:57:20 am
Tangent: I actually prefer to leave the comma outside the 'single quotes', as I'm told they are called, when I'm quoting a word or phrase, but that's technically incorrect too. It's just I'm an engineer, you see, so the imprecision of leaving the comma inside the quotation marks just kills me.
Post by: Skyrunner on September 20, 2012, 09:07:56 am
I wonder, do translations count as postable? :D I'm slowly working on one. Need proofreading, or someone to tell me this is a horrid boring story and he doesn't know why I'n bothering >.>
Or maybe just reviews.
Post by: Tsuchigumo550 on September 20, 2012, 05:57:33 pm
Dim blue light filled the darkened operations room, cold air flowing in through noiseless ventilators and large screens displaying data.
A general sat in the middle, with four soldiers in armored suits standing in front of him.
The general spoke up.
"We have a huge problem. Apparently the enemy got the drop on us and took down an entire convoy. Normally we wouldn't sent an armored squad out, but... I'll let the audio log do the talking."
Speakers played static, then a man's voice came through.
"Approaching I7. We'll make it to the drop zone with time to spa-"
An explosion sounded, fairly close by the crackling of the speaker failing to register the full volume.
"Jesus Christ! Convoy Team A taking fire! Teams B and C, respond!"
"TEAMS B AND C, RESPOND!"
Gunfire could be heard along with another explosion.
"I-It's the Death Corps! I'd recognize those all-black frames anywhere! We're done!"
Two more explosions, then static filled the ops room.
"That's why we're sending you, Lynx Squad. You're the only one outfitted well enough to take them down."
The four soldiers saluted, turned, and left the room in unison.
---
Moments later four mecha left from the base, each one a brilliant white. They were the last of the Corporation's pilots, the strongest and best outfitted. Each soldier had gone through rigorous training, ready for any conflict to arise.
They had rivals. For instance, the group they were sent out to fight, soldiers of the Felix Foundation. Other companies fought in the war and had pilots ready to stake everything on the line, and it led to the massive war that tore the world to shreds.
Zodiac, the leader of the Lynxes, commanded his troops from within his mecha. All the Lynx were bipedal machines, but no two were alike.
They moved along the ground conserving fuel to their target area, less than 10 minutes away.
---
"Look out for anything on scanners, we're in the mission zone. Find, destroy, and salvage from the Death Corps. Mission time is 10 minutes."
The white mechs had barely begun to scan the area when a loud crack echoed through the lightly forested terrain.
"Ahh! Ha... I'm fine. Left arm's got no response. We have a sniper, gonna provide some cover fire..."
Sanya, the specialist of the group built for intel collection and long range assault had already lost a big chunk of her available weaponry with her left arm including an all-important radar, but she still had a missile launcher and rifle. Her missile system scanned the general area the sniper was before firing a barrage of 12 missiles, followed by Sanya dashing forward to attack directly. The rest of the squad dashed ahead in front of Sanya, to assault the unit that attacked.
The missiles seemed to get a lock on a target, as all 12 homed in on the same spot and promptly exploded. Sanya fired off another 12, as the white machines covered ground quickly to reach the now injured sniper...
More warning lights flashed as scanners in the mecha frames went off. Directly behind the Lynx were the other three Death Corps members.
"Shit!" cried out Sanya, narrowly missing the bright flash of an enemy energy sword. She fired upon the group with her rifle as did the others with their weapons, but it was useless. From an entirely different position, the sniper mech fired again, putting a bullet directly through one of the Lynx cockpits. It uselessly tried to eject itself before exploding violently.
Sanya's somewhat slower mech was being hounded by the much faster blade-carrying Death Corps, as the hidden sniper picked away at the remaining units. The leader was fighting back with energy weapons, but one of the Death Corps caught up and delivered a solid blade directly into the side of his mech, stunning it and almost throwing it down to the ground. The Death Corps member followed up with another solid blade driven into the cockpit, as the sniper took out the other Lynx. All that was left was Sanya, who still tried to escape in vain.
The bright blades of the Death Corps soon lit into Sanya's machine, ripping apart the heavy armor and working it's way to the cockpit. Sanya was typing as fast as she could on the console in her mecha, authorizing protocols and the like, before a single screen appeared before her.
"CHECKMATE Y/N"
She hit Y, feeling another blade slash through the core of her mech.
"AUTHORIZATION CODE"
She typed quickly, sure to make no mistakes.
"AUTHORIZATION CODE"
"NIGHTMARE OF NIGHTMARES"
The console blinked as another blade was driven into Sanya's core, as hot metal began to wear away to the onslaught. However, the weapon located in the rear of the core was intact.
"AUTHORIZATION CODE ACCEPTED."
"HAVE A NICE AFTERLIFE AND THANK YOU"
Sanya's mecha exploded, but it wasn't caused by the energy blades. A small nuclear warhead had been affixed to the back of Sanya's core, and she set it off before the Death Corps could eat away her armor.
The nuclear detonation immolated the three blade mecha and the sniper, along with causing major damage to the surrounding area. The base had to be evacuated, but the Corporation had just lost more than their strongest pilots- they also lost their stronger enemies.
Post by: Fishbreath on September 20, 2012, 07:24:31 pm
I think dashes when interrupted or cut off go inside the quotation marks.
I wonder, do translations count as postable? :D I'm slowly working on one. Need proofreading, or someone to tell me this is a horrid boring story and he doesn't know why I'n bothering >.>
Or maybe just reviews.
I'd say they absolutely count. I've read a small handful of Russian short stories in Russian, and I've also read a couple of translated versions of each. I'd say it's harder to be a good translator than a good writer, because a translator has to write in someone else's voice and carry it over a language barrier besides.
Post by: kingfisher1112 on September 27, 2012, 08:46:02 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: AlStar on September 27, 2012, 03:10:31 pm
I've got a small story that I want to turn into a series.Some thoughts:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: kingfisher1112 on September 27, 2012, 06:51:19 pm
I'll try and fix most of these things with the next chapter I write, but I would not know a way to describe the character without the mirror. Any suggestion on that?
Post by: AlStar on September 28, 2012, 10:34:56 am
Thanks for the feedback.
I'll try and fix most of these things with the next chapter I write, but I would not know a way to describe the character without the mirror. Any suggestion on that?
Easiest way? Just describe her when it's appropriate.
However, do you need to tell us she's average build, average (more or less) height? I'd leave those out, unless it's really important.
What is important is her eyes. And you've got the perfect setup for those:
She slotted the battery (side note: where's she slotting this thing? Most women come with just the one, and I assume it's not there ;) ) and her systems immediately sprang to life: Muscles tensed, electronics activated and her brain sparked with activity. Many people she had met had found her blue eyes very disconcerting, but had no idea why: The reason was her eye augments. Able to... etc. etc.
Post by: Mr.Zero on September 29, 2012, 08:47:38 am
I run a RTD and i was wondering is someone could check it out. Because i feel that something is out of place and that i'm doing something wrong. For example : I think that i use too much however, trough-out, etc. and that my general writing style is odd.
This may be because English isn't my native language or just general lack of knowledge. Because of that i'd like some help and criticism about what i could do better.
Spoiler: Linkies to RTD and RTD discussion threads (click to show/hide)
Post by: da_nang on October 01, 2012, 03:42:35 pm
I got... something of a written work. Posted it on another forum but didn't get any responses. I wouldn't mind some thoughts about it. It's a fan fic short story (might be stretching that definition). I have some thoughts of my own about it and I'm worried the ending be a bit rushed. Furthermore, if it's full of cheese, do let me know. (PS, some lore might be needed for context and/or local slang, so ask if you find anything unclear.)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: AlStar on October 01, 2012, 04:26:18 pm
Oh hey, didn't know this thread existed!Welcome!
...
I wouldn't mind some thoughts about it.
I don't have the time to work my way through your entire piece right this moment, but can offer some advise on your first couple of paragrahs, anyway.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skyrunner on October 02, 2012, 09:34:55 am
Spoiler: An Adventurer and a Close Encounter with Death (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reudh on October 03, 2012, 08:06:52 pm
As for critiquing, there's little I can say that is bad about it. Some of the... eh... turn of phrase is a bit odd, but one could put that down to Emmanuel's speech patterns being like that naturally.
All in all I loved it. I want to see more. MORE. MORE
Post by: Tiruin on October 03, 2012, 08:17:40 pm
Oh my goodness Skyrunner I love your writing style... almost Terry Pratchett-like. I eagerly await more.She showed me the form in IRC first before posting here.
And I can't believe my post-critique didn't go through XD (I blame my net)
In all other words, that is brilliant for something you whipped up in a short time (I believe it was < 30 minutes, Sky?)
I can't say what needs critique actually. You make it obvious that the narrator is the man, and that the man has his own mannerisms of speaking. That was real nice there.
Post by: Reudh on October 03, 2012, 08:23:05 pm
Post by: kilakan on October 03, 2012, 09:04:58 pm
Post by: Skyrunner on October 04, 2012, 08:10:39 am
Oh my goodness Skyrunner I love your writing style... almost Terry Pratchett-like. I eagerly await more. (1)
As for critiquing, there's little I can say that is bad about it. Some of the... eh... turn of phrase is a bit odd, but one could put that down to Emmanuel's speech patterns being like that naturally. (2)
(1) I think that's because he's my main influence on my "novel" writing style :P Dry humor in bucketfuls.
(2) That might be where I need to fix things ... can you pinpoint exactly where is odd? D:
In all other words, that is brilliant for something you whipped up in a short time (I believe it was < 30 minutes, Sky?)
More like an hour or so. I remember that my dad told me to sleep like ten times...
Post by: Fishbreath on October 04, 2012, 09:03:32 am
Quote from: kilakan
Posting to follow mostly, I find myself in a writing class at University that demands about 3000-4000 words worth of writing a week so I'll probably toss a few things by you guys. Unless someone thinks that is underhanded, but honestly the markers don't give any feedback on my writing what so ever, thus trying to pull my marks above the 65 percentile is proving to be horrifically hard.
3000-4000 words a week? Holy cow. Maybe if I spent two days on nothing but writing I could manage that, but I certainly don't have that much time now, and I don't remember having that much time in college. :P On that same note, I'm always impressed by people like Skyrunner who are capable of writing decently off the cuff; these days I can't stand anything I don't put to paper before I type (that's a me problem, I expect; I type waaaay faster than I think, and I offer nothing but kudos to those whose brains can keep up).
My quest to get more fully behind my writing is ongoing. I spent an hour or two a few days back remembering PHP and putting proper navigation links on my website, and hopefully that fulfilled the last requirement for internet serial fiction index Web Fiction Guide. I've also been trying to get a past story edited for ebook publication, but revisiting old writing is hard for me to do. I've got a camping trip planned this weekend; maybe I'll print it out with nice double-spacing and take it along. The lack of distractions should help.
Post by: Skyrunner on October 04, 2012, 09:08:41 am
My story up there is around 1300 words... >.> And one of the essays I've written in English class a year ago clocks in at only 700.
Post by: The Fool on October 04, 2012, 09:53:38 am
Post by: Fishbreath on October 04, 2012, 10:08:01 am
Spoiler: Comments for Skyrunner (click to show/hide)
Honestly, there isn't much to say—it's a great vignette, and anyone who can tell a story in that short a form has talent. I could nitpick about grammar more, as is my style, but I'm not sure how productive that would be.
Post by: Viken on October 05, 2012, 09:17:45 am
But recently I started working on my own high-fantasy setting that I'm seriously debating turning into a series of books. The only problem is that I have very little experience with writing professionally. In any case, let me provide some background on the setting and story.
The setting is called Midrealm, and its a place where the living (also called Livers) live and work amongst the dead (Deaders), both of the deadmen variety (zombies, liches, ect.) and wraiths (ghosts, spirits, ect.). Midrealm is a barren wasteland, drawing inspariation from deserts and canyons and the like. Crops are extremely hard to grow, as the cold seasons are alot longer than the warm, growing seasons are. Zombies are often used as packhorses and the like, drawing carraiges and coaches while being managed by a liche, who atleast is still somewhat of human intelligence, in most cases.
The economics, currancy, political structure and everything is of my own creation. Midrealm is ruled over by a quasi-deity known as the Summoner King, but comes by his authority and power from a massively powerful artifact known as the Prophecy, which is semi-sentient. Unbeknownst to almost everyone besides the Summoner King, he is not immortal, and after several centuries the powers he wields starts burning through his humanity, and is thus replaced. In this case, the Summoner King finds out that his time is drawing to a close, and makes the decision to fight against the Prophecy, and actively starts searching for the one who's destined to replace him in order to become effectively immortal and all-powerful.
The starting of the setting is rather cliche, but at the same time it provides the most opens with how the story could unfold. The story will center around the Prophecy's 'chosen one' as he grows from a teenager into a man along with his companions, and quite possibly a civil war that draws the attention of both the Lowrealm (Livers only), and Highrealm (Lands of the Dead). Not to mention the various other creatures, species, and the several-thousand year timeline I've had bouncing around in my head a while.
Anyway, any thoughts, suggestions, or questions are welcome! Thank you.
Post by: Fishbreath on October 05, 2012, 09:43:41 am
Quote
The starting of the setting is rather cliché
This, in my opinion, is not a good sign (although, from what you said so far, it's also a problem you can dodge). You have an interesting hook with the living and undead not being necessarily adversarial, and I think it would be a good idea to introduce the setting with something like the packhorse zombies you mentioned (when you start the story, at least). A few unusual details at the start help differentiate you from the vast quantity of high fantasy that's already out there.
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The story will center around the Prophecy's 'chosen one' as he grows from a teenager into a man along with his companions
This is a classic story, but the problem is, it's so classic that it begins to feel samey. I'm not going to lay claim to any particular originality, because a lot of the things I write are so classic they've become cliché, but unless you have some very memorable characters and some very good execution, you may run into issues where readers/publishers/what have you end up saying, "This is the same chosen one hero's journey civil war story I've read dozens of times before." In particular, although the setting is distinct, your plot outline made me think 'Eragon' almost immediately.
Which isn't prima facie a bad thing, but again—high fantasy is an exceptionally crowded space, and I'd definitely want to be able to point at distinct plot and setting elements to say why some random reader should look at my story instead of someone else's.
Post by: Viken on October 05, 2012, 11:12:41 am
Thank you for the idea of starting off, perhaps in the prologue, with the coach and whatnot. That's not something I had had in mind before, but looking at it now, it does make alot of sense. Also, for a bit more background, Midrealm is high in mineral content, metals and even precious gems and the like. Most of the population deals with metalcrafts or rough trade, with very few 'farms' and ranch-style set up in specific areas.
Also, tradition wood is all but non-existant in Midrealm, so stonework is extremely important for building materials and projects. At the same time, though, several areas where mass graves are have become home to a type of fungus called Deadwood, which can grow to be quite big (20 feet tall, 5 feet thick) and the stems are fiberous, almost like a wood, while the tops bloom once a season, creating a flower that's quite potent magically, and a type of fruit that is poisonous to Livers, but can be consumed by Deaders instead of their traditional food.
Speaking of the Deaders for a moment, because Midrealm is seperated from the true lands of the dead, and yet is distant from the true land of the living (Highrealm and Lowrealm, respectively), Deaders can survive in Midrealm, but only by mostly consuming a substance known as Emptimus, also called Eus (E-us) as its slang name. Emptimus is a crystal that grows in the presense of the Summoner King, and slowly solidifies in gaint vats of water within the throneroom of the Dread Palace. Its used as an energy source in magics, as well. Emptimus 'Shards' are the official curancy of Midrealm, ranked via quanity as well as quality, depending upon how 'pure' the shards are. The purer Emptimus is, the lighter in color it is, and the more potent. Highly pure Eus is deadly to Livers, and prolonged contact can cause sickness or immediant death.
Deaders, on the other hand, consume it to keep their existance in Midrealm. Zombies, liches, and the like munch on it in a parody of ingesting it. Ghosts and spirits on the other hand simply touch it to consume it. The more a Deader consumes, the stronger they become, as well. A spirit for example that consumes a massive quanity of it... Lets just say the Summoner King himself had to deal with one several centuries before the start of the story and it created a region called the 'Pit', where the destruction and energy released there created the Scourge, the collective name for a race of demonic-like beings of primitive intelligence and unsatable hunger. Demons are seperate entities both in their biology and creation than the other beings.
Also, to touch a bit upon the Prophecy, I'm using it as both a common element, and a plot device. No one has seen the true Prophecy sense Midrealm was created. Only the Summoner King, the Judges (Lesser Deities), and the Archeon know its true purpose and its rough whereabouts. Instead, most people in Midrealm know it only through collective information, much in the form of a book or a script, like a Bible. This though is all second hand, and over time has been re-written and re-drafted by different individuals and Summoner Kings to misguide the general population to the truth.
The Prophecy is partially a living, sentient thing that balances out the world of Midrealm. Midrealm was a distaster that never should have happened, but did anyway, and thus had to be kept in balance between the true lands of the living and the dead. Its both the keystone of all existance within Midrealm, the encoding of its laws and traditions, and also partially its own author. As times change, so do the Prophecy, and it can indirectly influence some things within the world, acting like Lady Luck in some cases.
Anyway, thanks again!
Post by: AlStar on October 05, 2012, 02:19:12 pm
...Stuff...If nothing else, I'll say that you've got an interesting world, although I'm a bit curious how the entire Emptimus grows around the King/The dead need it to survive balance works out there. If the dead need to consume Emptimus or they... um, die.. again, then it means that they must have come after the King, since the stuff only grows in his presence.
Which, I suppose, would lead to the question of: how are the dead created? Have I just stumbled onto the (probabably obvious) reason why he's called the Summoner King?
So yeah, sounding like you've got some good world building going on. Of course, coming up with settings is only the first part - you'll need to actually come up with interesting characters and a good (ie well-written) story for a novel; dialog helps too.
Post by: Viken on October 05, 2012, 06:26:18 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Okay, that was a little long winded, so I put it in spoilers. But yes, I have a thing for world building, although I've never gone into quite this much detail before. But this only scratches the surface of everything I have in mind for the setting. Thanks.
Post by: schrocko88 on October 07, 2012, 11:34:35 pm
Post by: Reudh on October 08, 2012, 04:55:43 am
Post by: Skyrunner on October 08, 2012, 06:13:46 am
It might be a chance to try my hand at a different style xD
Post by: Tiruin on October 08, 2012, 06:45:26 am
If Phantom doesn't mind / can't be reached, I'd love to give out the prompt for this week.Do it, sire.
You're one of the mentors, so I am sure that Phantom won't mind. :P
/me calls the next prompt after Reudh.
Post by: AlStar on October 08, 2012, 10:32:52 am
Its why most of the Emptimus forms around him. The situation with the vats in the throneroom was just a natural decision, since the purest Emptimus crystals form in clean, fresh water. Otherwise it would form just about anywhere.
Some questions that came to me while reading:
Does he have control where these crystals form? If not, it seems like any castle/palace/whatever inhabited by him for any length of time would eventually turn into a giant crystal, as crystals would form in the walls.
Do crystals only form in inanimate material? If not, it seems like it could be hazardous to be anywhere near the King, lest you get crystals growing in you.
Post by: Viken on October 08, 2012, 10:52:25 am
Also, its generally hazardous to be near the King anyway. As time goes no, he becomes more and more unstable and can't maintain his humanity. So violent outbursts and the like are common. Think Darth Vader with bi-polar disorder. :D
Post by: Reudh on October 08, 2012, 02:50:59 pm
What is the most peaceful place you know? Write about it. Write about what makes it so peaceful. Think how peaceful it is, and then... someone you very strongly dislike comes in and disrupts the peacefulness. How do you feel about this? How do you resolve it?
Post by: Fishbreath on October 09, 2012, 11:57:03 am
Post by: mcclay on October 10, 2012, 09:14:56 pm
The value I did was Determination
Spoiler: Determination (click to show/hide)
Post by: kisame12794 on October 10, 2012, 09:32:31 pm
Post by: schrocko88 on October 10, 2012, 11:56:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Karnewarrior on October 11, 2012, 09:57:37 am
Honestly, 150 bucks? Can you say monopoly?
Post by: kilakan on October 11, 2012, 10:03:57 am
Post by: Skyrunner on October 11, 2012, 10:07:08 am
Also cloud.
Post by: Johuotar on October 11, 2012, 10:13:15 am
Post by: Fishbreath on October 11, 2012, 10:59:19 am
Post by: Reudh on October 11, 2012, 03:45:02 pm
-OpenOffice.org, which is what I have, is roughly the same as Word 2003/4 in terms of looks and handling, but it's slightly slower to respond. It can read all modern text formats, but not PDF.
-LibreOffice I haven't heard much about, though it's a spiritual sequel to OpenOffice.
Post by: Fishbreath on October 11, 2012, 06:10:29 pm
Post by: Skyrunner on October 12, 2012, 07:28:16 am
Note that I got lazy halfway through and stopped quoting everything, but all the points still stand.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: DiezIrae on October 13, 2012, 10:24:43 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: chevil on October 17, 2012, 03:47:15 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reudh on October 17, 2012, 05:47:00 pm
Post by: Phantom of The Library on October 17, 2012, 09:29:51 pm
I wonder, do translations count as postable?
Yep, perfectly postable, although I would recommend that any translations be to English, not from.
If Phantom doesn't mind / can't be reached, I'd love to give out the prompt for this week.Do it, sire.
You're one of the mentors, so I am sure that Phantom won't mind. :P
/me calls the next prompt after Reudh.
I don't mind in the least, actually, I'm actually rather glad that you are. I've been increasingly short on time recently (Mostly my own fault for being too prideful and stubborn to ask for help when I needed it and now I'm paying for it.) and consequently I'm almost never on the forums any more and when I am, I almost always forget about this thread.
So, keep on doing what you're doing people!
P.S. If somebody asked me something and I missed it, I apologize, I only skimmed through for questions. Let me know if I did!
Post by: DiezIrae on October 18, 2012, 02:07:36 am
Diez, Chevil, if you're still here, I'll attempt to critique yours tonight.
still here, please do ^^
Post by: Reudh on October 18, 2012, 06:02:46 am
I just rewrote my old prologue of my old story 'Bad Fantasy'.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
An interesting concept for a story. You have a great current of emotion that buffets the reader along, it's a great thing for a writer to have. Your narrator, the boy, seems very eloquent indeed, despite an upbringing that suggests little chance for books or loving parents. Why is this so? I am not saying that it is incorrect, merely that it is out of the ordinary for one orphaned at a young age to have the stimulation to be so eloquent.
The part where he speaks to the priest certainly conveys the hopelessness that the boy feels... the repetition is a very strong way of showing it. It's very jarring, however; try not to overuse it. Repetition, even only used to convey hopelessness/emotion/etc is still repetitive.
'Never gravely sick' is an awkward phrase, perhaps replace it. 'Never gravely ill' is less awkward.
Finally, while I do think you do have to have a plot piece that motivates his and his sister's seperation, the 'he's 18 and hence too young' reason is not that strong.
If he's earning, and has a house, even a shitbox rental, he'd most likely be able to have custody of her. Unless she had a particular illness that required care, most often he'd get custody.
I thought this was a great piece, with a few parts I wasn't sure about... but the current of emotion that runs through it is powerful indeed. With some refining I could see this being a story I'd hook into easily! Keep up the good work, DiezIrae!
I would like to hear some comments on my story.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Pleasepleasepleaseplease use paragraphs. It makes it incredibly hard to read if blocks of text run together, as in they're a 'wall of text'. A general rule of thumb could be whenever you either:
Reach four-five sentences, give or take two or so:
when a character begins to speak, it should go in a new line and hence paragraph:
Whenever a piece of the story un- or partially-related to the previous piece begins.
There's also quite a few spelling and grammatical mistakes, which is to be expected. No one gets their grammar or spelling 100% right. I'd recommend proofreading your piece once you've finished it; get out a fine toothed comb and pick what you feel is incorrect out. "In fact" is two words, not one, for example. "Ultra realistic ghoul costume" is an item/thing, and so it should be in inverted commas, rather than quote marks, unless someone is saying "Ultra realistic ghoul costume."
There doesn't seem to be much of a plot, I'm afraid. What I can see from it is:
Ramon the ghoul lives in secret. The only time he leaves his hideyhole is to enter a disguise contest, versus a person called the 'master of disguise'. He always wins because Ramon really is a ghoul.
But there's no plot besides that. I... I don't mean to be rude, but a story with a near empty plot is not really worth reading. I'd recommend making the story a bit longer, provide more characterisation. Why does Ramon exist? Why does the only foray he make into society exist as entering a disguising contest? Why does he win every year if he's a ghoul every time?
I hope my critiquing helped you.
Some sentences
Post by: Eek-A-Mouse on October 19, 2012, 10:32:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also, how do you all go about writing longer stories? I know there's no one answer; I'm just interested in hearing your thoughts on the matter.
Post by: fqllve on October 20, 2012, 06:54:53 am
The sun played with the leaves of the elm tree and cast a warm speckled shadow on the grass below.I would probably say "The sunlight played on the leaves" or even "The sunlight played against the leaves" first because it gives the impression of a highly concrete metaphor as is (a personified sun literally playing with the leaves) and because it's probably more accurate to say the sunlight causes the shadow. Warm speckled shadow is a nice noun phrase you've got there, though.
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and warmed his closed eyelids with the recesses of light falling through the elm’s canopyEr, do you mean with the [blanks] of light falling through the recesses in the elm's canopy?
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he took a long breath and smiled as the pleasant smells of the park drifted into his nostrils.Which such smells? Flowers, or fresh grass, or the clean smell a fountain leaves in the air?
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Besides the occasional passerby was a solitary man of wrinkled aspect who sat nearby on a bench and took long, steady pulls from a wooden pipe.I don't quite follow this sentence. Did you mean something like "Other than the occasional passerby the only person near them was. . .?" I also would not begin the sentence with besides, since the previous sentence began with such a similar word.
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“It’s not often such nice weather comes along,” said Kappa. “This warmth is just what I needed,The fewer words the better, right?though.”
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Will nodded. “Exactly. It seems like the moment the dreariness of the rain and endless nights in the library begins to become overbearing, the clouds part and give way to days like this.”Probably ought to be in past tense, since it's already happened.
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Geb grunted, half-listening to the conversation as he lifted himself to a hand-stand on the grass.Inserting an only before half-listening makes it read more smoothly.
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"Or maybe you’ve gone totally insane,” playfully chided Kappa, “and everything around you is a fraud.”I could go on and on about how topicality is an esoteric feature of English grammar at best, but succinctly: in this what's important is the suggestion that Geb has indeed gone insane, therefore you should make it "Or maybe you have. . ." to emphasize this fact.
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He exhaled in a pleasurable sigh and released a cloud which a musing spectator may well be inclined to think was a visible essence of his contentment.May can only express future or present reference. Might is used in the subjunctive past.
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This wrinkled character had already had ample time to contemplate such things, and was now focusing on a more particular matter underneath the elm tree.Did you mean peculiar instead of particular?
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The cloud embraced him and gave an air of sympathy as the wrinkles about his eyes pinched and seemed to magnify the scrutiny of his thoughts.Gave requires an object. What did it give an air of sympathy to?
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He arched his brows in curiosity as the boy walked under the tree’s lowest branch. He raised his arm to the branch as if compelling it or some shade within it to lift him. He swore when there was no result, and then went about pulling himself onto the limb.You less confusingly change antecedents for "he" if you combine the two sentences. Also, you should put commas surrounding or some shade, to make clear it's in apposition with the branch. I would structure it such: "He arched his brows in curiosity as the boy walked under the tree's lowest branch and raised his arm, as if compelling it, or some shade within it, to lift him"
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He tried to pull his pipe but to no avail: only ashes remained in the wooden bowl.Pull on the pipe.
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He looked to his gray-haired companion on the bench and laughed.You really ought to replace he with whomever it refers to. I assume Kappa, but it's not very clear.
All in all I enjoyed it. Generally I prefer less psychological fiction, though I do have a psychological bend, but it was well done. There's some good description and the dialogue is solid. However, overall I feel it was just a bit light for my tastes. There wasn't much story to the story. Not in the sense of plot, but it just feels like it could have been put more succinctly.
Ah and now I've used up all my time responding to this and I've gotta go. I'll reply to how I like to structure longer stories when I have a chance.
e: Ok. I must also admit that I disagree with your thesis. It's tangential, I know, but I can't say that the mind would be best at coming up with its own companions simply because the mind's knowledge is limited and therefore its ability to understand even itself and predict its desires is limited as well. I don't think the mind would be any better at coming up with company than random chance, but again, I digress.
As for your question, I think the thing that's best served me in longer fiction is taking the paragraph as the fundamental unit, rather than the sentence. When you look at a story paragraph by paragraph its rhythms are thrown into contrast. For this I generally consider sections of dialogue to be their own paragraph, unless someone's monologuing or something and then it's as usual. It's also very informative to read stories you like and analyze how the story evolves through each paragraph and its purposes. That's probably taught me more about writing fiction than anything else.
Other than that I think the most important thing is to have a goal. If you don't know where you're going it's usually easy to tell when reading and it's hard to prevent yourself from meandering. Personally, I like to outline fairly thoroughly, but even just a general idea is sufficient. I think if you don't have a goal then you really don't have a story to tell because it means your character doesn't have a goal either.
Post by: Caz on October 20, 2012, 03:40:47 pm
Also, how do you all go about writing longer stories? I know there's no one answer; I'm just interested in hearing your thoughts on the matter.
It's just a matter of stringing several little stories together. At least that's how I see it.
Post by: Reudh on October 20, 2012, 07:44:30 pm
Also, how do you all go about writing longer stories? I know there's no one answer; I'm just interested in hearing your thoughts on the matter.
It's just a matter of stringing several little stories together. At least that's how I see it.
That's exactly correct. You want an A story that links to your B story and so on. As long as the stories link together in a way that satisfies your major plot, then it's all good.
Post by: Eek-A-Mouse on October 22, 2012, 12:42:49 am
I'm going to try and make more a habit out of writing. Nanowrimo looks like it'll help with routine. And yeah, I agree with you guys on that longer stories are like several interlocking smaller stories, and that a good idea of where your headed is important.
Here's the same write-up of my last post with some edits. Hopefully its a bit clearer now :).
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Justiceface on October 22, 2012, 09:38:25 pm
Post by: Reudh on October 23, 2012, 03:13:37 am
Post by: DiezIrae on October 23, 2012, 07:10:11 am
I just rewrote my old prologue of my old story 'Bad Fantasy'.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
An interesting concept for a story. You have a great current of emotion that buffets the reader along, it's a great thing for a writer to have. Your narrator, the boy, seems very eloquent indeed, despite an upbringing that suggests little chance for books or loving parents. Why is this so? I am not saying that it is incorrect, merely that it is out of the ordinary for one orphaned at a young age to have the stimulation to be so eloquent.
The part where he speaks to the priest certainly conveys the hopelessness that the boy feels... the repetition is a very strong way of showing it. It's very jarring, however; try not to overuse it. Repetition, even only used to convey hopelessness/emotion/etc is still repetitive.
'Never gravely sick' is an awkward phrase, perhaps replace it. 'Never gravely ill' is less awkward.
Finally, while I do think you do have to have a plot piece that motivates his and his sister's seperation, the 'he's 18 and hence too young' reason is not that strong.
If he's earning, and has a house, even a shitbox rental, he'd most likely be able to have custody of her. Unless she had a particular illness that required care, most often he'd get custody.
I thought this was a great piece, with a few parts I wasn't sure about... but the current of emotion that runs through it is powerful indeed. With some refining I could see this being a story I'd hook into easily! Keep up the good work, DiezIrae!
Thank you very much. Would it sound better if she did live with him but the Youth Welfare Office took her back to the orphanage because he wouldn't be able to help her?
Post by: schrocko88 on October 24, 2012, 05:26:33 pm
I don't ask this be done for me. I just don't know how to change it. What way should I drastically alter it? I need your help.
Post by: fqllve on October 24, 2012, 10:36:41 pm
As long as people can recognize it's a morality tale about preparedness you can do pretty much anything you want. For a children's story, just think of the most outrageous stuff you can.
Thanks for the reply fqllve. I've always thought of myself as enjoying writing, but this is one of my first attempts getting something on paper for the fun of it. Although it was short and not too full of story, it felt good writing something. I'm not too bothered about how many accept the thesis--it was more just something fun to think about. Your words on it were interesting, though.For an early attempt that was good. And there's so much to master about the craft that I wouldn't put too much emphasis on story. In fact, I think good dialogue and good characters are more important than a good plot, though I will admit that nothing keeps me in for the long haul like getting to tell a story I enjoy.
And you shouldn't be too worried with what people think about your ideas. It's just hard to read a story and not comment on them. Hell, I was just glad to find they were there!
Post by: Fishbreath on October 24, 2012, 11:25:44 pm
For an early attempt that was good. And there's so much to master about the craft that I wouldn't put too much emphasis on story. In fact, I think good dialogue and good characters are more important [...]
I quite like this point. It's not so much that coming up with stories is easier or less important, I would say, but that we get a ton of practice at coming up with interesting stories in the course of being human. Character and dialog (and pacing and prose and a million other things) are technical elements, none of which get much of a workout outside of dedicated practice at fiction.
Post by: Joben on November 09, 2012, 12:09:18 am
I remember stopping a Robert Ludlum book once (not Bourne, something else) that had a fascinating global conspiracy that was shaping up in a really unique way. But the characters were all made of cardboard and getting through each page was a chore.
Post by: Leatra on November 24, 2012, 09:07:00 pm
So, I have been writing a story. I'm afraid that I will leave plot holes and stuff while writing so I double-check it when I finish a chapter. I also keep notes about what have I revealed about characters and what I will reveal later to keep things interesting and not bore the reader to death with pages of extensive backstory. This fear of writing a bad story is probably the only thing that constraining me while writing. I feel like if I give names to those nameless people the proganist speaks for like 5 minutes and moves on, I must not forget that guy later. Or, if I reveal the age, profession, hometown or anything about a character, I must not forget it and write the story according to any tiny details I reveal. The fact that I'm trying to create a fictional country doesn't make it any easier. I even checked this post before posting it a few times.
I decided to start writing this story in the middle of the night, I was bored to death and I wasn't feeling sleepy at all. Also, no internet for 3 months means you gotta find some kind of a hobby. It started out as something I did when I was bored but I really liked creating a story out of nothing. I was going to keep it short (like 5,000 words) but as I wrote I had many ideas that came to my mind and I couldn't help but expand the story. If I keep going like this it will be no shorter than 30,000 words. I'm rather slow at writing this since it's just a little hobby but if I keep this up at this speed it will be finished in a year, two years top :P I don't have much encouragement and free time to keep writing for now so it's at an hold.
Shortly, story is about a man who went through a car accident. He injured his brain in a way (I wrote a long theory about it to make it seem realistic) that he loses himself rarely in dire situtations. It's something like Hulk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hulk_%28comics%29). However, when he is in a situtation like that his only goal becomes the survival of the mind. Note that survival of the mind depends on how mind defines itself so it doesn't mean he goes rampage against anyone near him. For example, McUrist's mind defines itself with only his family and nothing more (it's not that simple but since it's just an example...) so he commits suicide after all his family dies is an unfortunate accident. Definition of mind is an interesting topic and I have decided to take it as a basis for creating this fictional injury. I know. It sounds like bullshit. I'm still doing research about psychology to make it better.
Also, while in this state, the psychological restraints we have that keeps us from overexerting our muscles doesn't trigger while in this state, giving him more strength but leaving him tired and in severe muscle pain afterwards. Normally, this kind of stuff only happens if you are exploding with adrenaline or something. This strength I mentioned doesn't make him Superman but he has enough strength to lift an average man with his one hand and throw him away for like 2 meters.
Of course, there is more to it than. It will be a story about revenge. The protagonist is a type III anti-hero leaning towards type IV. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SlidingScaleOfAntiHeroes) He will be Type I at start but I'm thinking about some big character development as the story progresses. His best friend (who also married his sister recently) had big debt and when he died, the guy who he owed money to decided to make sure his family pays. He and his sister is the only family that guy has so he is in trouble. Also, the fact that police is looking for him because of a murder means much more trouble.
I'm also telling the story from the perspective of an old police officer, who had his wife raped and killed years ago, looking for our guy who is blessed with a badass injury. He was ambitious and a rockstar for the police but after the incident with his wife he became a rather weird guy. Now, this is the part I feel I'm going to fail because I have no idea about how police works out murders and stuff. I had to look up what "ballistic report" is. My idea of police investigations are mostly based on old noire movies. When I'm telling it from the policeman's perspective, the genre turns into a detective thriller and I don't know the first thing about them.
There is also a former office worker who works in a brothel for the last year but it's rather difficult to tell things from her mind. All these three characters have chance of dying and if I decide to off any of them I'll introduce new characters.
I'm writing it in my native language now but I'll translate it into English too. I have already written 7,000 words. The story is written with western cultures in mind. The fictional country is very mixed when it comes to nationality but it's mostly US-based with a pint of Russia. So it will be stupid not to write it in English but I felt I would express myself better with my native language.
So, if you managed to read all this text, I hope you can offer me some advices too :D
Post by: schrocko88 on November 24, 2012, 09:14:11 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sounds like an neat idea. I'd love to read what you got so far. ^_^
Post by: Skyrunner on November 24, 2012, 09:47:42 pm
Post by: Leatra on November 25, 2012, 09:22:07 am
Post by: Leatra on November 26, 2012, 09:18:28 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Maybe when I finish it I'll post everything here or start another thread.
Post by: Cthulhu on November 27, 2012, 12:45:07 pm
I'm thinking about calling it The Raft of the Medusa, but that seems a little pretentious.
Post by: fqllve on November 27, 2012, 11:05:50 pm
So I could use some critique on a short story I wrote recently. It's fan fiction (of Homestuck), but I was kinda trying to write fan fiction that isn't fan fiction, so hopefully it will be enjoyable for everyone. It's about 5000 words, so it's somewhat long and it seemed rude to post all that, so this is just the first short segment. But I could really use feedback on the whole thing, so if you'd like to help me with the rest I can PM or email it to you or what have you. I'd particularly like to hear about parts that don't make sense, contradictions, and boring sections, but any notes you have would be helpful.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skyrunner on November 28, 2012, 08:48:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This has no story, I know! Don't kill me! Dx
I couldn't muster the will to write more, so I'm just posting it and leaving it here.
Post by: Snoop Lion on November 29, 2012, 02:07:22 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 29, 2012, 10:39:24 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Reviews, thoughts, anything like that, please.
The Magnificent Sky Levee-Aquaduct, draft.
Not bad, though it should be the overseer oversaw rather than overseed.
Post by: Fishbreath on November 29, 2012, 11:25:59 am
One of the shortest stories you'll ever read:
<snip>
Clever. You might want to change 'just how similar the alien was to my species' to '...was to us', though. If I were a more careful reader, that might give away the game a bit early.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 29, 2012, 11:35:22 am
One of the shortest stories you'll ever read:
<snip>
Clever. You might want to change 'just how similar the alien was to my species' to '...was to us', though. If I were a more careful reader, that might give away the game a bit early.
You know, originally I did have '...was to us', but after some tortorous deliberation, I changed it. Now I think i'll change it back. :-\
Post by: fqllve on November 29, 2012, 12:59:29 pm
Does anyone here write or read short, internal/realist based pieces?That's probably a good half of what I write, and anything that isn't is highly influenced by it. Realist stuff is also the largest part of what I read, not all of it is psychological in bend, though.
Why do you ask?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 29, 2012, 02:00:20 pm
Does anyone here write or read short, internal/realist based pieces?
Well, the stuff I write is typically pretty short. I'll happily read through your stuff, if that's what you want.
Now: Another short story. A bit longer this time. It is called...
Tower-Two-Three 8)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT: Fixed a couple of typos.
Post by: Solifuge on December 03, 2012, 08:24:09 pm
Quote
Bright, the man in the town square
No man of blood and gristle but
His skin holds him together
And he is beautiful
Bronze skin, smooth skin
Polished to catch the eye
Some look at him intently
Seeking marks or tarnish but
They find none
For he is beautiful
Hard, the man in the town square
He stands for days and years but
His skin holds him together
And he is hollow
Bronze skin, thick skin
Molded to be strong
Some rap their knuckles on his chest
Seeking to hear his voice but
An empty note rings
For he is hollow
Still, the man in the town square
No man of blood and gristle but
His skin holds him together
And he was beautiful
Bronze skin, dead skin
Cracked by dust and time
None remember him as he was
But he was beautiful
He was beautiful
He was beautiful
Post by: fqllve on December 03, 2012, 10:49:34 pm
Bronze skin, smooth skinThis stanza starts off really regular in rhythm and then kinda gets unwieldy around the 'seeking marks or tarnish but.' Actually it's the but that throws the whole thing off, if you get rid of it completely it's much better or, if you intended for there to be a long pause, then
Polished to catch the eye
Some look at him intently
Seeking marks or tarnish but
They find none
Quote
'seeking marks or tarnishmakes that clearer.
but
they find none'
The second 'bronze skin. . .' stanza has the same problem, but there I would reword the fourth line into 'seeking out his voice' since that seems to fit better with the rest.
I also think 'an empty note rings' would have more impact if empty note were the final words. It's good as it is, but it really begs to be phrased like that. Unfortunately I can't come up with any such wording that sounds good.
Actually, other than that I really enjoyed this, especially since you don't consider yourself a poet. The imagery was good (I really like 'his skin holds him together'), it sounds good read aloud, and it is poignant. Because although it's about a statue, that statue is of a man and man can be as hollow and transient as his artifice. I also like the implication that that which relies too much on external worth ignores its internal value ('but he is hollow' 'an empty note rings') and no one will remember it anyway. All in all it was pretty melancholy and well-told.
Thanks for sharing that.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on December 04, 2012, 11:58:37 pm
In my late-night sleeplessness which sets upon me once a month I began flipping through "The Return of The Shadow", which is basically about Tolkien's writing process for LOTR, and it inspired me so much that I created a world for myself. I am now determined write a story for that world, or at least a scene to breath life into that creation.
I wrote a poem earlier (actually started off as an English assignment I was loathing) and I think I'll post that when I awake from my thankful slumber.
Post by: Reudh on December 11, 2012, 09:04:45 pm
I feel like crossposting from Spearbreakers to see how people think I could improve my writing, but what do you guys think?
Post by: Phantom of The Library on December 12, 2012, 12:29:07 am
Although, I do have to admit that I'm behind on my DF lore right now and I know nothing about Spearbreakers other than hearing the name here and there.
Post by: Reudh on December 12, 2012, 02:44:38 am
Also Holistic Spawn.
Post by: Phantom of The Library on December 12, 2012, 04:48:25 pm
Also, holy cow that is massive, I don't think I'll ever have the time to catch up with it all...
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on December 17, 2012, 07:16:15 pm
an eight day slumber, Scoopbeard? Wow.
Ya, sometimes I get cold feet...
anyways, after many days of procrastinating and cold feet-er-ing I decided to post that poem I said I'd post.
"No present existed.
I would escape for hours, for days.
This is how you forgot the cold.
The first time I read a book, I lived another life,
the reality which I had always taken for granted now became the most remote fantasy,
it was like forgetting the disappointmnet and the difficulty.
I dreamed of the future, dreaming of ideals and success.
I used these fragments to weave more dreams, better dreams, new realities.
I placed and re-placed details upon details and made a wonderful game." -Escape
No present structure exists in the poem I guess, hell im not good at poetry, but it recounts my younger days as an avid reader of fantasy.
As for writing a story and breathing life into my creation, I find more and more that I have trouble finding the right words. I'm just so... dry, if you tried to read an essay of mine and weren't getting payed I would think you'd rather have your teeth pulled.
EDIT: this poem has somewhat evolved from its original form which is basically quotes from Gerda Weissmann (Holocaust survivor) interspersed with quotes from me, I have in the process paraphrased and replaced words.
Post by: CrucialCore on December 18, 2012, 11:52:46 pm
It's a short story. The focus is mainly the setting. But I feel it is far too wordy. Especially because so little is going on.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cthulhu on December 24, 2012, 11:28:33 am
I'm thinking about writing a short screenplay as a joke and an exercise in dialog, characterization, etc:
The Christmas Dinner - An extended family meets on Christmas Eve for a dinner. Nothing happens, it's basically an unwatchably sappy soap opera with no serious conflicts, where everyone wins. They exchange presents, characters who don't like each other for various reasons put aside their differences, etc.
And that's when the wendigo comes.
Post by: Leatra on December 24, 2012, 01:32:02 pm
I carefully write what I intend to write first. When I finish a chapter (or the whole story if it's shorter than 5 pages) I read it quickly and see if it's engaging (which is very important for the first chapter) and interesting. I try to put myself into the reader's shoes and treat the story as just a simple reader. If it's too boring, wordy, and if there is too many boring "imagery" stuff in the story, I cut them down. Sometimes I don't even tell how a character looks like but have his appearance, and sometimes backstory, told during the story. Like, a character sees an old buddy while walking on the street and I throw in some kind of a flashback sequence where the character remembers something specific about her buddy. After they meet, her friend makes a remark about the appearance of the character, like "Hey, I have never noticed that you were this short without your heels." or something like that. Dumb examples but you get the idea.
I also tend to have a lot of ideas while writing and I try to implement them, which sometimes creates problems.
Post by: fqllve on December 24, 2012, 03:21:55 pm
However, I do my absolute best not to reread, other than what's necessary to get myself back in the mindset or to refresh myself on the details, until I'm editing. And even then I try to do that as long after the actual writing as possible. It's just hard for me to judge the quality of what I've written until I've gotten some distance, which usually takes about a month or two. I can usually find problems with the details otherwise, but the big picture will elude me.
Post by: schrocko88 on December 24, 2012, 03:42:41 pm
-_-
Post by: Leatra on December 24, 2012, 04:07:04 pm
However, I do my absolute best not to reread, other than what's necessary to get myself back in the mindset or to refresh myself on the details, until I'm editing. And even then I try to do that as long after the actual writing as possible. It's just hard for me to judge the quality of what I've written until I've gotten some distance, which usually takes about a month or two. I can usually find problems with the details otherwise, but the big picture will elude me.I see what you mean. It's difficult to read your own work while you are completely aware of everything and it's also difficult to find someone willing to read thousands of words and give constructive criticism. Maybe I should just keep writing and reread when it's done. I'm going for a long story (it's around 7,000 words right now) so I get too afraid since if I make a mistake, it may create a chain of mistakes.
I also do extensive planning for my story, like you mentioned, but even after writing pages and pages of backstories, possible plot twists, information about the setting and whatnot (which will not be revealed to the readers, of course), I tend to change my mind or think of even better ideas while writing. I also use this to find ideas. While daydreaming, I imagine myself writing the story. While I'm playing the story from my head, I find a lot of new ideas.
@schrocko88, you just need to find an interesting plot and some free time. Sometimes I leave a story abandoned for a month and suddenly write like 1,500 words in a day when I feel like it because I just fall in love with my plot. I can't stop myself from daydreaming about it and writing the ideas I found while I'm in the class. Sometimes I think of like 3 possibilities for the fate of a character and think about what should I choose for a few days, rather than just choosing one and writing it. I had a lot of projects which I abandoned later. It's really rare for me to like a long-term project and keep doing it. If you don't like what you are doing, you just can't bring yourself to continue doing it.
Post by: fqllve on December 24, 2012, 09:04:20 pm
I see what you mean. It's difficult to read your own work while you are completely aware of everything and it's also difficult to find someone willing to read thousands of words and give constructive criticism. Maybe I should just keep writing and reread when it's done. I'm going for a long story (it's around 7,000 words right now) so I get too afraid since if I make a mistake, it may create a chain of mistakes.Well, go back and read if you're in doubt, but keep in mind most of the mistakes you're going to make are gonna be really minor, the kind of stuff that will be easily picked up by editing. I mean, I can't say I've never forgotten a major plot point before, but that was only after letting the story sit for weeks and even then it was pretty readily salvageable. Just keep your notes close at hand, and read a bit of what you wrote the day before every time you sit down, and really keeping rack of things isn't too big of a problem.
My stories never get far enough to need a plan. I just write until I get distracted by something else and usually never come back to it. Bad characteristic, I suppose. -_-I have the same problem. My solution is to write furiously so that I finish quickly but not so much that I get tired of writing, and to constantly find ways to keep the story exciting for me, usually in the form of "twists" in the loosest sense of that word. I also try to cut anything out that I'm dreading writing, whether it be because it's boring or too difficult.
But do keep in mind, and this is something I've been struggling with lately, not every story is worth finishing.
Post by: Doomblade187 on December 25, 2012, 11:54:15 pm
Link: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AuVIx_dGFiP0dFFxVW9XVm1NWklzQklzcENOajI5QXc (https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AuVIx_dGFiP0dFFxVW9XVm1NWklzQklzcENOajI5QXc)
Feedback is welcome!
Post by: Mr.Zero on January 04, 2013, 01:52:21 pm
I was wondering if i could receive some tips or guides regarding more varied writing. Because often i feel when i write something that i use the same words too much which make the story a bit dull.
Post by: fqllve on January 04, 2013, 03:34:57 pm
I also try to adapt more technical, obscure, or archaic terms to metaphorical usages that still sound good or are understandable, and to make sure that I'm not just tempted to use exotic adjectives, but nouns and verbs as well. Still I find that there's a core set of words I tend to use regularly, but knowing what those words are is half way to avoiding using them.
Really though, unless you're ok with having a large vocabulary in the text (which can seriously deter readers) there's not much you can do, because there are only a few thousand words you can use that most people are going to follow and that doesn't leave room for a whole plethora of synonyms.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 06, 2013, 11:47:49 am
Post by: inteuniso on January 06, 2013, 10:57:19 pm
Something interesting about this poem: I closed my eyes when I typed it. I just let my hands remember where the keys were and I typed. Only misspelled two words, which I went back and fixed.
Spoiler: Seasons (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 07, 2013, 09:34:06 pm
I can't give much advice, but I loved it, lets see another!
Post by: Caz on January 11, 2013, 04:45:38 pm
And editing reams of paper on the floor while your dog tries to sit on them with muddy paws is just fun.
Post by: Willfor on January 11, 2013, 05:09:05 pm
Post by: Caz on January 11, 2013, 05:30:26 pm
Whatever makes you enjoy editing is the best way to edit. It looks like you've found yours, a truly excellent experience to have. Congrats!
Thanks. Maybe I'll actually be able to post my book for you guys to read one day. :P
Post by: Leatra on January 16, 2013, 08:56:02 pm
Post by: fqllve on January 16, 2013, 10:14:34 pm
Generally these days I just build characters around traits and actions that are either going to a) move the story in the direction I'd like to take it, or b) reflect on the character's previous or subsequent actions in a new and unexpected light, with a lot of little minor character development for flavor. However, it was about ten years ago that I last tried using the enneagram and astrology methods and I was not a very skilled writer at that point. With a little ability and a lot of modification, such methods might be perfectly serviceable. I feel like they'd still be more effort than they're worth though.
Post by: Reudh on January 17, 2013, 12:18:34 am
Post by: WillowLuman on January 27, 2013, 01:56:14 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Doomblade187 on February 11, 2013, 11:54:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The prompt was to write a scene from the perspective of a front-line soldier in an undead army.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 12, 2013, 01:51:10 am
Post by: Xantalos on February 12, 2013, 02:11:24 am
Also, I really need to get writing again, since I haven't in a year or two. FAR TOO LONG, I SAY!
Post by: WillowLuman on February 12, 2013, 02:16:35 am
Post by: Xantalos on February 12, 2013, 02:20:13 am
Overall not bad.
[/notreallygoodcriticism]
Post by: Doomblade187 on February 12, 2013, 07:15:41 am
I'm not good at the whole technical bit, but the message is good, and I know a lot of people who would feel a ... what do they call it? Connection; to the poem.I agree with Xantalos here- I like it personally.
Overall not bad.
[/notreallygoodcriticism]
And I'm not very good at criticism.
Post by: fqllve on February 12, 2013, 08:51:15 am
I'm not good at the whole technical bitHey! That just so happens to be all I'm good with.
Spoiler: HugoLuman (click to show/hide)
My biggest advice for you would be, imagery, imagery, imagery. There was almost none in your poem and while I do tend to overemphasize it in my own work, you ought to at least have some as people really expect it in poetry. I would also suggest you try to work on making your meter a bit less consistent and predictable. A good way that I've found to do this is to take the exact opposite route, start writing alternate lyrics to your favorite songs, which are going to have extremely regular meter, then start playing around with it in ways that are still pleasant, interesting, and unexpected. It's also pretty fun to do, especially if you can sing.
I've got a poem I could use some critique on as well. My biggest concern is the ending, which I feel is weak but I'm not quite able to pinpoint exactly what it is I don't like about it. Any opinions are highly appreciated.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: MaximumZero on February 20, 2013, 01:58:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
. About 3,000 of these fighter jets are to be built, and with a price tag of $65 Million apiece, the total cost of these planes alone runs to $195 Billion, and they will return none of the research on medicine, technology, or energy that we as a species so desperately need.Post by: Sevariat on February 22, 2013, 11:34:55 pm
http://stonetrance.blog.com/ (http://stonetrance.blog.com/)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 04, 2013, 11:46:58 am
Spoiler: The Dreaming Wall (click to show/hide)
Post by: fqllve on March 04, 2013, 02:43:58 pm
Nothing alive walksSounds more aphoristic this way.onthe Dreaming Wall.
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The vast bastion rises into the sky, bridging heaven and earth.Bastion sounds awkward here. Traditionally it means only a particular part of a fortification, but it's usually used to mean any kind of fortress these days. Still doesn't sound right being used for a wall. Especially not this wall, since there is a strong connotation of safety to the word.
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The the ancient blocks that form the great barrier are more than mere stone: the gods themselves had built the Dreaming Wall.I wouldn't really use a colon here, just because the second clause doesn't strictly follow from the first. Though it's clearly relevant, it's not really an exact description of why they aren't mere stone, so I'd probably stick with a semicolon.
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The dimensions of the wall shift even as you look - the very tips of distant mountains, crowned with snow, seem to fluctuate in and out of sight.I know all too well how tempting it can be to add lots of description in a single sentence, however, you should avoid apposition of non-topical elements in a sentence. If you have to describe them, you could say snow-crowned mountains. I also think this doesn't really describe how the dimensions of the wall fluctuate, or seem to.
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Gargoyles cluster like cancers on the cold rock, balefully watching all who approach.Baleful makes a poor adverb. "The gargoyles lay their baleful gaze on all who approach" is more natural. I'm also not very fond of "like cancers" though it'd be hard to explain exactly why.
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slowly obliterating the eldritch carvings that spiral and squirm across the stone.Slowly obliterating sounds a bit oxymoronic and silly to me.
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Towers loom like monoliths along the stonework, weeping ominous fog that wreathes the wall in a smog of dread.Monolithic towers is stronger. When possible avoid simile for metaphor. Smog of dread is also something of a restatement of ominous fog. You should avoid stuff like that. Something like "wreathes the wall in its calid scorn (or callid, if you're feeling particularly adventurous)" or "wreathes the wall with its acrid breath" would be better.
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The land is grey and dead, the water black and foulFewer words the better, right? Would also use a semicolon here, as the verb in the second clause is simply omitted.to drink.
That was a good effort, you clearly understand some of the principles of description and there are a few sentences in there I really like "The Wall dreams of nightmares" in particular. But it could still use some work. You are thankfully not florid, which is the biggest trap people fall into with description, but you don't often hit on what I think is the most important thing to keep in mind, which is that every passage should be unexpected. It should reveal something we couldn't have known and couldn't have predicted. It should be fresh and use language in an ingenuitive way. You should basically always be trying to surprise the reader.
I'm going to quote one of my favorite passages of description, just as an example. It's by Cormac McCarthy and it's from Blood Meridian.
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All about her the dead lay with their peeled skulls like polyps bluely wet or luminescent melons cooling on some mesa of the moon. In the days to come the frail black rebuses of blood in those sands would crack and break and drift away so that in the circuit of a few suns all trace of the destruction of these people would be erased.
Post by: Chagen46 on March 04, 2013, 06:45:45 pm
This is the first part, roughly, of a short story I'm writing:
Spoiler: Killing The Unkillable (click to show/hide)
I normally am kinda bad with imagery, so I tried to see how I could set the scene for an utterly alien and in-human world like the one the narrator is in.
Post by: fqllve on March 04, 2013, 08:30:54 pm
Humans, as aA species is a collective, so you don't need to specify you are saying that, and also, all is strongly implied by the fact you are making statements about humanity as a species. Further, I would reword the last bit to read "with a quixotic desire to live endlessly." The best way I've heard the principle behind this described is that every sentence is a punchline, and you want to place the most forceful and unexpected word, the punch word, at the very end.collectivespecies, areallimbued with a quixotic desire to endlessly live.
There's also a grammatical reason for this, generally you want the new information at the end because that's the natural point of emphasis. If it's anywhere else, you'll specify emphasis either through tone or italics (which results in increased emphasis). tl;dr: grammar is boring.
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The evasion of death and the prospect of immortality is wanted by so many.Are wanted.
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Cut off from the natural life cycle of the world, they twist the world until it becomes a shallow mockery of itself, and yet they always crave to live forever.I would not use "the world" twice in succession like that. You could make object of the first clause "the natural cycle of life" to solve this.
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People like me never are told the names of our targets. It is merely standard procedure.This seems horribly inefficient.
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He had decided to take up residence in an abandoned industrial ghetto. I passed through several warehouses trying to find him, with no luck. The sky was the color of blood, the ground almost jet black. Hordes of broken machines, long since deprived of their purpose, continued to grind and crank, their broken and twisted beams and joints groaning form years of pressure. Not a single thing in this place was straight. Every metal beam, every joint, every piece of the whole yard was bent and contorted into nightmarish shapes silhouetted against the blood-red sky.I like this paragraph, except for two things. Almost jet black is too noncommittal for so stark a color, and I'm not sure that I would describe the sky as blood-red twice in so short a space.
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The buildings were holed, in ruins and shambles, barely holding themselves together while the jagged holes in them widened with every falling piece. The ground itself was practically writhing in pain as the vibrations from the endless contraptions tore it; cracks ranging from tiny breaks to fissures large enough to swallow a whale were everywhere.Holed is an unusual way to describe buildings, I would try to come up with something else. The second sentence should be in past tense again, or should be combined with the first as a simultaneously occurring dependent clause.
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I must've looked utterly out of place. A small girl like me, wandering this place, clad in a short and somewhat attractive red dress? I did not belong in this place. Then again, I wasn't exactly a normal girl.Interesting twist there. Three things: drop the question mark. Definitely drop the somewhat from attractive, it's too noncommittal again, you've got to believe in your imagery or your readers won't either. Don't worry, your readers will rarely interpret anything as strongly as you will. Finally, saying the narrator doesn't belong is the same as saying she's out of place, so I'd kill that second one.
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All I had to do was wait, and hope that being a newbie at this wouldn't get ME killed.Italics are better than capitals for emphasis. I'm not sure how I feel about this twist, the narrator doesn't seem new. I would go back and make an effort to at least hint at her being a newbie if I were going to keep this.
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I walked outside of the warehouse.You hadn't made reference to any specific warehouse yet. I would say something like "the warehouse I was in" to remedy that.
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But what took my eye most was that he had spend an obviously massive amount of time making the place a death trap.It might just be me, but I don't like having adverbs and adjectives so close together unnecessarily. I would say, "had obviously spent a massive amount of time."
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Everywhere I could look, massive sawblades were connected everywhere.Could look should just be looked, it's best to avoid conditionals if at all possible and this one is a bit awkward. Drop the second everywhere.
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They diligently spun, whirring quite loudly.The "quite" here again lessens the impact of your language. I also think "spun diligently" sounds better.
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Long and jagged beams had been used to connect them—they were anchored to everything: other beams, walls, the round, towers—anywhere he could anchor some metal, there was several beams sticking out of it.I'm not quite sure what "the round" is in reference to.
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Silhouetted in black against the sky of blood, it was a bloodcurdling sea of eldritch contraptions.The reference to the blood colored sky is probably fine here, however, having that so close to bloodcurdling just makes the sentence read awkwardly. I prefer bloodcurdling sea, honestly, so I would describe the sky elsewise.
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I walked slowly through the field. During such times, the hunter and the hunted rarely spoke. There was no need—after all, we both knew why the other was there. What good would communication do? We were natural predators.This confuses me. First, you haven't made reference to any field yet, so that seems to come out of nowhere. Second, has the man she's hunting appeared already? Because this seems to describe it as if he had.
All told I enjoyed it. Some of your imagery was nice and most of the problems were minor problems of wording that are easily fixed. I would read more. But I would definitely advise two things, that you focus more and avoiding repetition, and that you undermine the force of your descriptions less. The latter is especially important because readers just aren't going to trust you if you seem unsure about what you're describing. If you are unsure, then you should find a different way to say what you're getting at because otherwise you come off as indecisive and wishy-washy. It's a really small thing that's easily fixed, but it can have a big impact on reader perceptions.
Another thing is that I felt like you were focused so much on description that there wasn't enough exposition to adequately acquaint me with the world of the story. How do these people live as long as they do? Why does this corrupt them? Why do they seem to live in such hostile places, alone? I understand that some of these questions might be answered later, but I feel like they weren't even really acknowledged by the story, which makes the hopes that they will be answered not exactly warranted. I would tease the reader a bit, let them know that you do have answers, and you will provide them, but that they'll have to keep reading if they want to find out.
Like I said, I would read more though.
Post by: Chagen46 on March 04, 2013, 09:08:37 pm
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This confuses me. First, you haven't made reference to any field yet, so that seems to come out of nowhere. Second, has the man she's hunting appeared already? Because this seems to describe it as if he had.
By field, I meant the area she was in--the place with a massive amount of sawblades. That WAS worded awkwardly.
Also, the man already knew that she was there. What she meant was that he knew that she was there, and that she was hunting him. In-story, the immortals basically ARE the locations and are acutely aware of everything going on in them--almost like gods ruling their domain. It was just a matter of time before he showed up himself.
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Another thing is that I felt like you were focused so much on description that there wasn't enough exposition to adequately acquaint me with the world of the story. How do these people live as long as they do? Why does this corrupt them? Why do they seem to live in such hostile places, alone? I understand that some of these questions might be answered later, but I feel like they weren't even really acknowledged by the story, which makes the hopes that they will be answered not exactly warranted. I would tease the reader a bit, let them know that you do have answers, and you will provide them, but that they'll have to keep reading if they want to find out.
Yeah. I tried to go for a minimalistic style for this story...it didn't go perfectly, as you can see. This was actually planned to branch out to a whole series on Fictionpress that expanded on things.
But the original idea was to be intentionally vague on explanation to emphasize how un-wordly and bizarre this world was. I think that may have not been the best choice.
EDIT:
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This seems horribly inefficient.
Many of the immortals have casted off their normal names and have literally hundreds they use to evade being detected. Thus, names would be pointless for the hunters--especially when the worlds the immortals inhabit are so distinctive--being everything from an entire city formed out of stained glass, a world where the ground is above you and the sky below, a tower covered in bloodshot eyes overlooking a city where people who worship the immortal controlling everything as a god spend their entire existence chanting hymns of praise, and a place where the ground is made of endless geometric shapes all combining in Escher-esque impossibilities, it's pretty easy to find them if you look for them.
Anyway, thanks a LOT for all the critique.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 05, 2013, 02:53:20 am
-in-depth technical criticism-Well, could not have asked for a more intensive critique. Thanks :D
Yeah, tenses have always been my weak point. Doesn't it work in the present tense after that though? I'm pretty sure stuff like that works... or maybe not.
I was actually writing it to the rhythm of a Pogues song, thus the "all" in the last line to match the beat. In retrospect, I suppose "We are more than dust" works just as well, having the same number of syllables.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 05, 2013, 01:21:20 pm
I do so enjoy writing, but I don't really have anyone to read it through. I've taken your criticism on board, and changed my text a bit.
Spoiler: The Dreaming Wall v1.1 (click to show/hide)
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To me , it feels kind of odd in the midst of all this talk about decay and stuff that suddenly you're talking about being a 'young girl in a short and rather attractive red dress'? It rather interupts the whole flow of death and decay you had going.
You seem to talk about the sky being blood coloured a bit much. Also, it could sound better to contrast the environment with the character, so rather than a red dress possibly mention that you got your blue dress caught on a rusty spike or something. I try to show, not tell (though I don't know if i succeed) which is rather common advice.
The idea that everything is broken up but there's loads of spinning saw blades everywhere seems odd to me. Surely they should all have broken and snapped off?
Is the guy there? At the end it seems like she's right there with the bloke than in his rough location.
If you're in to contrast, at all, possibly consider having a woman as well be the corrupting influence instead of a man. As women are more often seen as the bringers of new life, it makes a nice opposite to have a woman as the source of decay and rot.
What is 'the round?'
My own thoughts on the piece.
Post by: Chagen46 on March 05, 2013, 01:40:20 pm
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To me , it feels kind of odd in the midst of all this talk about decay and stuff that suddenly you're talking about being a 'young girl in a short and rather attractive red dress'? It rather interupts the whole flow of death and decay you had going.
The point is both to show how she is a bastion of sanity and normalcy in this lovecraftian world and to show the stark contrast between her and the world.
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The idea that everything is broken up but there's loads of spinning saw blades everywhere seems odd to me. Surely they should all have broken and snapped off?
The world is decayed and obliterated, but the sawblades have been put up afrrwards. The man is actuay able to control and them fire them at will. He put them up after the whole world went to hell.
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Is the guy there? At the end it seems like she's right there with the bloke than in his rough location.
No. He is aware that she is there, but he hasn't come to confront her yet. The immortals are, for all intents and purposes, minor dieties who are omniscient within the worlds they create.
He knows she's there. It's only a matter of time before he comes to confront her. He comes in roughly 2 paragraphs after the end of the excerpt I posted, actually.
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If you're in to contrast, at all, possibly consider having a woman as well be the corrupting influence instead of a man. As women are more often seen as the bringers of new life, it makes a nice opposite to have a woman as the source of decay and rot.
Interesting idea, but I have other immortals who are women, such as the one who created a city made entirely out of stained glass.
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What is 'the round?'
Typo. I had planned to put something there but forgot. I deleted it when I edited the story yesterday anyway.
Post by: fqllve on March 09, 2013, 01:24:22 pm
Also, the man already knew that she was there. What she meant was that he knew that she was there, and that she was hunting him. In-story, the immortals basically ARE the locations and are acutely aware of everything going on in them--almost like gods ruling their domain. It was just a matter of time before he showed up himself.Ah. That makes sense, but it isn't really very clear in the text. Maybe you could try adding something about how the immortals have basically extended their consciousness to the whole area around them?
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But the original idea was to be intentionally vague on explanation to emphasize how un-wordly and bizarre this world was. I think that may have not been the best choice.Yeah I try to do that a lot in my own work and it can be really difficult. Basically the only thing I've found you can do is write a whole bunch of stuff that people don't quite understand until you get a feel for exactly what you can leave out, and the exact ways you can leave out that information. Anyway, you didn't take it too far, so it wasn't too bad, but it's something I haven't quite mastered myself so the only advice on that I can give is try to put yourself in your readers' shoes. Try to think of the questions they'll ask and the information they'd want to know, and try to come up with ways to hint at it, or even direct them towards the answers without being explicit. Be careful though, I've found readers are rarely as observant as you expect them to be.
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Many of the immortals have casted off their normal names and have literally hundreds they use to evade being detected. Thus, names would be pointless for the hunters--especially when the worlds the immortals inhabit are so distinctive--being everything from an entire city formed out of stained glass, a world where the ground is above you and the sky below, a tower covered in bloodshot eyes overlooking a city where people who worship the immortal controlling everything as a god spend their entire existence chanting hymns of praise, and a place where the ground is made of endless geometric shapes all combining in Escher-esque impossibilities, it's pretty easy to find them if you look for them.Ah ok. I'm sure that will come up later, so I don't think it's really a problem then.
Yeah, tenses have always been my weak point. Doesn't it work in the present tense after that though? I'm pretty sure stuff like that works... or maybe not.Yeah the only lines that need to be future tense are the two middle ones in the part I quoted. The tenses in the rest of the poem are perfectly correct.
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I was actually writing it to the rhythm of a Pogues song, thus the "all" in the last line to match the beat. In retrospect, I suppose "We are more than dust" works just as well, having the same number of syllables.Oh, well it's a lot of fun to do, isn't it! But yeah, that works too. Remember though, you don't have to have a syllable for each and every one in the song, the thing about musical rhythms is you can stress and put emphasis on things that you normally wouldn't.
I do so enjoy writing, but I don't really have anyone to read it through. I've taken your criticism on board, and changed my text a bit.I find that to be a significant improvement. "Shrouding in sorrow" is particularly better than either of the things I suggested.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 11, 2013, 02:34:19 pm
Sick today. Sick
All day. Sick
Yesterday.
Most likely Sick
Tomorrow.
Post by: MaximumZero on March 12, 2013, 01:33:38 am
Nothing to see here, just a paper I wrote for school.Hmm, that joke I wrote backfired. Go ahead and critique away, if you like. That's what I put it up for. Anyway, I got an A for content and a C for formatting. Stupid MLA format. Y U SO RESTRICTIVE!?
Post by: WillowLuman on March 12, 2013, 09:44:26 am
Post by: MaximumZero on March 19, 2013, 12:03:31 am
Spoiler: Warning: Formatting may be screwed up... (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 19, 2013, 12:19:56 pm
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Not bad. The only one of those stories I've read is Arena, which I found to be an interesting read. I though the omnipotent entity seemed kinda malicious - if it has the power to commit genocide, it could have easily prevented the two warring races from coming into contact. Instead it decides that absolute genocide is the best alternative. Maybe it was a Dwarf Fortress player.
Post by: schrocko88 on March 20, 2013, 02:43:20 am
Post by: WillowLuman on March 20, 2013, 02:59:46 am
I haven't wrote anything for too long. Any prompts?
Fiction or nonfiction?
Fiction - A bus driver has an invisible passenger.
Post by: Cheesecake on March 22, 2013, 08:31:44 am
Anyways:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It seems kind of weird. It sounded better in my head... So, could you guys give me some critique on this? Comments, mistakes, anything. I'm trying to improve my writing skill for my English class, so I thought I could practice here. Also, if we have to write the prompt, I think I have an idea for an invisible passenger. I'll write that tomorrow. In the meantime, thanks for the tips in advance, and thanks for the tips you had posted before. They were really helpful.
Post by: AlStar on March 22, 2013, 01:34:26 pm
Do we have to write something based on the prompts or can we write something else? I've had this story that I had wanted to write but I needed some people who could help point out flaws and improvements.grr. My reply got eaten. Try #2... You can write anything. The prompt was because someone asked for it. I hate typing on an ipad.
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Anyways:Ivan finally saw the cave where he had last saw the beast. It was a damp grove, with moss growing on stones, twisting vines, and the stench of rotting carcasses. It had a large waterfall, with an opening in the middle. Ivan's town, Ulfberg, had always been the target of one small pestering werewolf or another. But these few months the wolves had banded together, organising attacks on the town on the full moon.(I'd go with "arrived at the cave." Your description is blocky and starts with the small stuff.)
The cave was behind a large waterfall, and the constant spray gave a dampness to the moss-covered grove. Twisting vines and the stench of rotting carcasses hung over everything.
But these last few months... During the full moon...
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When the attacks started, Ivan and a group of hunters, Karl, Engels, and Friedrich, were charged with finding one particularly ferocious wolf. It was a full moon, and they had gone to gather food and firewood, when Ivan stumbled upon a grove. The grass was stained red, the water dark and murky. The large, gushing waterfall pounded on the rocks below. He moved closer to drink from the falls, rather than the murky pond he was now thigh-deep in. As he moved in to quench his thirst, he saw a faint silhouette inside an opening, the creature turned, their eyes meeting. It growled and backed away, as Ivan ran back to report his findings to his comrades....Ivan,Karl,Engels and Fredrich, a group of the town's hunters were...
(why would they venture away from town during the full moon?)
Since you've already described the grove, I'd say that he stumbled upon THE grove.
(Ivan's reason to investigate the falls seems kinda weak - there's no better way for him to quench his thirst then wading through a bloody pond to a waterfall?)
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"Karl! Engels! Friedrich! Here, I've found it!" he yelled.(The "if the beast had returned" part doesn't make sense - according to what you wrote, the wolf is still inside the cave.)
They had come near day's end, the sun slowly falling. They decided to build a fire for the night, far away enough from the beast's lair to be spotted if the beast had returned. They had gotten the fire started, and all of them had gone to huddle towards it, except Ivan. Now Ivan was a strong, fast hunter. He had many years of experience, and now he was getting old, his hair now sporting a grey streak. He was one of the bravest in the village, and the most known to the woods. As brave as he was, though, he was afraid of fire. In fact, it made him mad.
(You use a strange mix of past and present decribing Ivan.) Ivan had been the strongest, fastest hunter - one of the bravest in the village, and the best woodsman. He had years of experience, but now he was getting old, his hair sporting a grey streak. His bravery had one weak point, however: fire. He was afraid of fire... in fact, it terrified him.
(mad is a strange word to use in conjunction with afraid. Terrified? I dunno, depends where you're going with this)
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"He's not coming Ivan. Let's go home," grumbled Engels, whose build obviously wasn't suited for the wilds. He had come to document the beast for the temples bestiary.(I'd describe Engel's build, rather then just say its not suited. Is he fat? Hunched back? Limping?)
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Ivan didn't reply. He was focusing on the bonfire in the middle of the town square. He could barely see the smoke. After a while of silence, the bonfire erupted. The smoke flew high, you could see the red shadow of the flames rise high. It was a signal of an attack from bandits, or warlords, or worse.(you should probably mention that where they're camped is within sight distance of the town.)
("you" should probably be "he".)
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(Ivan's coming off as not terribly mentally stable here, not sure if that's the point.)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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"Shush, little one it's me, Papa," he cooed. Lucy was always fidgety. She didn't like surprises or big noises. And the door breaking down was both.(Fidgety doesn't quite fit with fainting. I'd go with delicate, nervous, high-strung or maybe easily startled.)
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(Ah, ok, I see where you're going with this now.)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You've got some odd time issues here. You start with Ivan in the grove, but that piece of time... doesn't really connect to anything else. Then you flash back, and that flashback is the rest of the story... but never gets to the present (since Ivan dies.) You also need to add something between when he goes to the grove in the flashback and gets together with the other hunters to say why it is that they think that the wolf isn't in the cave, since as of last time you (the author) told us, he saw the wolf backing into the cave.
Post by: Cheesecake on March 22, 2013, 06:29:25 pm
I meant for Ivan to be mentally unstable, to show that he was sort of like a ferocious werewolf. I don't know if I could have explained that better. Anyways, thanks again!
Post by: Doomblade187 on March 22, 2013, 08:58:44 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 25, 2013, 04:59:30 am
...
I should contribute!
...
How?
...
Spoiler: Like This? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Caz on March 25, 2013, 08:11:10 am
Spoiler: Fishing for Sea Eagles (click to show/hide)
Post by: Caz on March 25, 2013, 08:14:57 am
Spoiler: Like This? (click to show/hide)
Very nice imagery.
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 26, 2013, 11:02:31 pm
Thankyou! I feel mildly competent!Spoiler: Like This? (click to show/hide)
Very nice imagery.
Post by: Doomblade187 on March 26, 2013, 11:28:35 pm
Post by: AlStar on March 27, 2013, 01:40:01 am
Feedback, anyone? (I don't want to nag, but I posted a ~750 word drabble a few posts up, and am curious how I did. I've barely edited it.)For what it's worth, I liked it and didn't find any grammatical errors that were so heinous that they caused me to say "damn, that needs fixing."
edit: ok, rereading it, you either need three kinds of gods, or just put an "or" between Vaysil and Human - currently you've got it set up for at least three kinds of gods, but only talk about two.
Post by: Doomblade187 on March 27, 2013, 06:45:53 am
I seem to have forgotten to remove the third setup, then. There are only two.Feedback, anyone? (I don't want to nag, but I posted a ~750 word drabble a few posts up, and am curious how I did. I've barely edited it.)For what it's worth, I liked it and didn't find any grammatical errors that were so heinous that they caused me to say "damn, that needs fixing."
edit: ok, rereading it, you either need three kinds of gods, or just put an "or" between Vaysil and Human - currently you've got it set up for at least three kinds of gods, but only talk about two.
Post by: Iceblaster on March 27, 2013, 09:21:14 pm
Spoiler: Short Story (click to show/hide)
Criticism is welcome and any questions I might be able to answer-relative to the subject matter of this short story. Also, my wording and descriptions may be weird as I write it as I would tell it. Any grammar and spelling errors will likely be fixed over the course of a few days as I frequently check any stories I post and edit out any mistakes;It would be nice if you could point them out though.
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 28, 2013, 03:13:21 am
Hey, this is more of a short story I wrote as filler for my Community Fort, and I was thinking of making these 'Journals' into an entry on a fanfic site(Its Fallout:Equestria if anyone is wondering;I find it hard to make original fiction, dunno why) The [yay]'s are censors;I prefer to keep my works PG-13(No harsh swears) so don't mind them.First things first: Paragraphing. Try and break your writing into several smaller paragraphs, mainly for readability purposes.Spoiler: Short Story (click to show/hide)
Criticism is welcome and any questions I might be able to answer-relative to the subject matter of this short story. Also, my wording and descriptions may be weird as I write it as I would tell it. Any grammar and spelling errors will likely be fixed over the course of a few days as I frequently check any stories I post and edit out any mistakes;It would be nice if you could point them out though.
Also, I think people find several smaller chunks of text are much less daunting than one big block.
Spoiler: A Handy-Dandy Guide to Paragraphing (click to show/hide)
Reading further, I'm intrigued. I want to know what's going on. But there's also a bit of a problem with commas and other punctuation.
Spoiler: A Hand-Dandy Guide to Punctuation (click to show/hide)
OK, now that I've finished, I can say it's not bad. I think I missed a few things with the story itself, like the whole Lemon nonsense, but then again, I don't really have any background knowledge other than game mechanics.
I found some of the style quite repetitive: "blah blah blah" I said, doing something. Try and vary how you say things, and not just in dialogue. I understand that in this particular piece, the dialogue is essential, but in other pieces, try and use more descriptions. Don't rely on the reader to come up with what something looks like. You need to tell them, so they can see it for themselves, and it's easier to build a story around something the readers can see.
After that, you just need to clear up the presentation. It looks a bit ugly shown as one big block of text, and reads a bit ugly with the lack and misuse of punctuation. Once that's done, you're on the fast track to being a published author! For a very, very niche market...
Post by: Chagen46 on April 02, 2013, 05:01:13 pm
The basic idea is that this guy takes a blank notebook and asks that anyone grab it and write it in...and as you can see, the people who write in it are...odd, to say the least.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I wonder if the actual idea is funny/interesting.
Post by: Leatra on April 02, 2013, 05:16:56 pm
Some suggestions, you might want to actually write the "Notebook of Musing". I'm not saying do it in real life. I'm saying treat it as a (fictionally) real book in the story (if you are planning to have a story, not that you need one). Establish a fourth wall and never break it. Don't use things like "(A completely incomprehensible scrawl that's supposed to read “Hadraniel” in Hebrew, but it appears to be written by someone who has no clue how to actually write in hebrew....)". If you want to go for things like that, try writing it yourself in the alphabet of the language. Besides, not every entry has to be about words. Some can be drawings. Some can be seemingly meaningless words written by a random dude. Maybe someone throws the book away and it's found by someone a year later. Maybe someone picks this book up, reads it, and throws it out of the window and it lands on some guy's head and the hilarity ensues in the next entry. I'm just throwing some ideas around but you are free to use these suggestions if you give me a credit when this "piece of old comedy" becomes a bestseller :P
Post by: Doomblade187 on April 05, 2013, 10:55:08 pm
Spoiler: Blurb (click to show/hide)
Post by: HFS on April 06, 2013, 11:12:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The gemstone is called the Perfect Gem of the End, and it's incredibly destructive and incredibly difficult to make - you have to find 8 unique gems that are incredibly rare (and by "incredibly rare" I mean "1 of each and one of them can spawn in literally any block of stone in the world") and craft them together - the end-result is...world-destroying.
Post by: WillowLuman on April 07, 2013, 01:23:53 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Devling on April 08, 2013, 02:45:07 am
If that's a thing you can do. In this thread place. And I guess I would prefer to not be a shitty writer.
And practice makes perfect. And things. So yeah.
Consider this a Posting to write post.
Post by: Fishbreath on April 08, 2013, 08:37:57 am
HugoLuman, that's a nifty idea.
Post by: Chagen46 on April 08, 2013, 02:21:55 pm
http://fictionpress.com/s/3115622/1/A-Bench-for-Two
I tried getting a little experimental with the format of the story.
Post by: rabidgam3r on April 09, 2013, 03:02:19 pm
Post by: fqllve on April 09, 2013, 06:55:43 pm
So if I write a scene about a husband and wife who get into an argument, and end the scene with the husband deciding he wants to become a groundhog, well there are two immediately obvious problems there to address in the next scene. It could start with his strained relationship with his wife, how it got that way, maybe change to her POV and show what she does to relieve her stress after the fight, or something like that, or I could address how he is going to turn himself into a groundhog. I could also create a new problem, such as how this affects the children if they have any, maybe their argument causes the next door neighbor to fall off a ladder while changing a lightbulb, maybe the aliens who are observing the family try to grant his groundhog wish and end up turning everyone on Earth into one. And once you have an idea for the core conflict of the next scene you're pretty much set to write it.
Post by: MaximumZero on April 10, 2013, 02:30:16 am
Post by: Skyrunner on April 10, 2013, 03:09:12 am
/me claps
Also, you have three video cards?!
Post by: MaximumZero on April 10, 2013, 11:50:02 am
O.oNo, if I used a mini displayport switch, the miniDPs in my Radeon 7850 HD should hypothetically support 6 monitors thanks to ATI Eyefinity.
/me claps
Also, you have three video cards?!
Post by: MaximumZero on April 15, 2013, 11:58:44 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
1,389 words is a lot longer when you double-space it in 12 point font.
Post by: MaximumZero on April 22, 2013, 01:56:47 am
Spoiler: An Outsider in the Outside (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 22, 2013, 04:12:49 am
As soon as you figure out how to join us in the choir invisible, we can give you feedback!
((DISCLAIMER: I am not endorsing suicide in any way, shape, or form for any purposes, commercial or otherwise.))
Post by: Devling on April 22, 2013, 06:46:04 pm
commercialGod damn suicide booth tycoons...
Post by: DrPoo on April 23, 2013, 12:19:32 am
Spoiler: Incomplete short bit of an even more incomplete novel i am writing (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on April 23, 2013, 02:14:52 pm
* I finished NaNoWriMo in 2006, and I'm a little foggy on precisely how I managed that.
Post by: Skyrunner on April 25, 2013, 07:25:57 am
Spoiler: Entrance, Ki Hyungdo, tl Skyrunner (click to show/hide)
The original had a notorious lack of periods and nary a question mark. xD
Post by: MaximumZero on April 30, 2013, 12:52:42 am
Spoiler: On Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on April 30, 2013, 02:37:49 pm
So here's a poem I translated. It's called... well, I have no idea what I should name it, as the original title involves ambiguousness, so I went with Entrance.
<snip>
The original had a notorious lack of periods and nary a question mark. xD
Translations, especially of things that sound hard to translate, are utterly fascinating. Could you indulge my curiosity and elaborate a bit on how the original title was ambiguous, and if the original text had 'his' in single-quotes, or if that was something you added to capture some other feature of Korean?
Post by: MaximumZero on April 30, 2013, 07:25:12 pm
So here's a poem I translated. It's called... well, I have no idea what I should name it, as the original title involves ambiguousness, so I went with Entrance.Looks a lot like something e e cummings would write.Spoiler: Entrance, Ki Hyungdo, tl Skyrunner (click to show/hide)
The original had a notorious lack of periods and nary a question mark. xD
Post by: WillowLuman on April 30, 2013, 07:51:29 pm
Post by: Skyrunner on May 01, 2013, 12:59:12 am
"He" as in the normal pronoun is "그," while the "'he'" in the poem is "그분". It's kinda like a stronger version of the normal masculine singular pronoun, and is supposed to be more polite.So here's a poem I translated. It's called... well, I have no idea what I should name it, as the original title involves ambiguousness, so I went with Entrance.
<snip>
The original had a notorious lack of periods and nary a question mark. xD
Translations, especially of things that sound hard to translate, are utterly fascinating. Could you indulge my curiosity and elaborate a bit on how the original title was ambiguous, and if the original text had 'his' in single-quotes, or if that was something you added to capture some other feature of Korean?
So here's a poem I translated. It's called... well, I have no idea what I should name it, as the original title involves ambiguousness, so I went with Entrance.Looks a lot like something e e cummings would write.Spoiler: Entrance, Ki Hyungdo, tl Skyrunner (click to show/hide)
The original had a notorious lack of periods and nary a question mark. xD
Yeah xD The poet only had commas in the original, no question marks either.
Did you write it, or just translate it? It's very good.Ki Hyungdo wrote it, and I merely tried to translate it o_O I like it too, which is why I bothered to lift it out of its home in the Literature 1 book.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on June 08, 2013, 11:26:19 am
What I was thinking was if the same concept would work here. We don't have the same game AAR authors to go back on, though we could use FG&RP or the DF community stories and criticism can be found here. It could be more of a game with readers voting for best stories (keeping it anonymous so no bias), too.
Basically, I just like the idea of a regular writing exercises the forums could criticize and rate without bias either way that comes from knowing the author. A competitive factor wouldn't hurt.
The original GtA is here if you don't get what I mean, (http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?132748-quot-Guess-the-Author-quot-Analysis-and-Critiques) and I am never very clear.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 08, 2013, 11:32:26 am
I wonder... the Paradox Forums had/possibly have a writing thing called 'Guess the Author'. Basically, a number of writers submit short pieces of writing related to a chosen common theme or idea. The stories are then submitted anonymously and open to criticism and comments by readers (who also try to guess who the author might be). After a time, the authors are revealed and the next round begins.
What I was thinking was if the same concept would work here. We don't have the same game AAR authors to go back on, though we could use FG&RP or the DF community stories and criticism can be found here. It could be more of a game with readers voting for best stories (keeping it anonymous so no bias), too.
Basically, I just like the idea of a regular writing exercises the forums could criticize and rate without bias either way that comes from knowing the author. A competitive factor wouldn't hurt.
The original GtA is here if you don't get what I mean, (http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?132748-quot-Guess-the-Author-quot-Analysis-and-Critiques) and I am never very clear.
Sounds interesting to me. I would be willing to have a go.
Post by: Xantalos on June 08, 2013, 04:29:52 pm
Post by: Phantom of The Library on June 08, 2013, 08:23:36 pm
I wonder... the Paradox Forums had/possibly have a writing thing called 'Guess the Author'. Basically, a number of writers submit short pieces of writing related to a chosen common theme or idea. The stories are then submitted anonymously and open to criticism and comments by readers (who also try to guess who the author might be). After a time, the authors are revealed and the next round begins.This sounds like an excellent idea, I'm giving it the Phantom Stamp of Approval.
What I was thinking was if the same concept would work here. We don't have the same game AAR authors to go back on, though we could use FG&RP or the DF community stories and criticism can be found here. It could be more of a game with readers voting for best stories (keeping it anonymous so no bias), too.
Basically, I just like the idea of a regular writing exercises the forums could criticize and rate without bias either way that comes from knowing the author. A competitive factor wouldn't hurt.
The original GtA is here if you don't get what I mean, (http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?132748-quot-Guess-the-Author-quot-Analysis-and-Critiques) and I am never very clear.
Post by: Skyrunner on June 08, 2013, 09:18:54 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on June 08, 2013, 11:32:42 pm
Post by: ThatOneGuy on June 09, 2013, 12:47:26 am
Spoiler: Monsters in the Low Hanging Trees (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Dinner With A Monster (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Synthetic (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Letters in Post-Apoctalyptia (click to show/hide)
This one's a bit older, and inspired heavily by H.P. Lovecraft and Cthullu-stuff:
Shadow of Lengburry (http://pastebin.com/E9pzXVC5) <_< >_>
Post by: Alexor on June 15, 2013, 03:37:43 am
http://pastebin.com/U00DYNHJ
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 15, 2013, 07:38:31 am
This one's a bit older, and inspired heavily by H.P. Lovecraft and Cthullu-stuff:
Shadow of Lengburry (http://pastebin.com/E9pzXVC5) <_< >_>
I've got to admit, it read like a novelisation of call of cthulu: dark corners of the earth, to the same detective main character being asked for by a cult under siege from the police, whereupon he enters alone and encounters a strange artefact which sends him to the asylum, afterwards becoming a detective and travelling to a fishing village to investigate a case.
Post by: sjm9876 on June 16, 2013, 07:26:20 am
Spoiler: Thief (click to show/hide)
Post by: dewboy on June 18, 2013, 03:57:34 pm
Post by: Fishbreath on June 18, 2013, 08:18:19 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 19, 2013, 05:49:01 am
Spoiler: A Fatal Troop To Join (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on June 19, 2013, 07:51:13 am
I'm also not sure about 'lancing down in calamitous concussions'. Seems more like a 'with' to me there, and although 'troop' can be both a collective noun and a singular one, your use of 'troops' at the very beginning makes the fifth paragraph read a little oddly to me: 'a suicide troop' looks like it's intended to be the collective form, given the title and the uses later on in that paragraph, but I'm sort of expecting it to be singular given the first sentence (which I suspect is also supposed to be collective).
Post by: WillowLuman on June 19, 2013, 01:16:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 19, 2013, 02:20:45 pm
A poem I wrote describing my first experience with a certain indie game.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Kerbal space program, isn't it? My kerbals always seem to be constantly screaming. Just because the rocket is spinning, half of it has exploded, and i forgot the parachute is no reason to be afraid... ok, yeah, they're fucked as all hell.
Also, would you mind reviewing the thing i just posted?
Post by: WillowLuman on June 19, 2013, 05:45:31 pm
Post by: Fishbreath on June 22, 2013, 04:55:16 pm
Post by: mcclay on June 27, 2013, 02:47:56 pm
http://pastebin.com/Em6198Dp
Post by: griffinpup on June 30, 2013, 09:15:11 am
Post by: Reudh on July 01, 2013, 01:15:00 am
PTW: And eventually to post too, even though I'm not the best writer.
That's kind of the point of this thread, to improve. :P
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on July 04, 2013, 12:47:07 am
WARNING:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Anyways, I would really appreciate criticism on this piece, developmentally it means alot to me, even if it's terribad. Anyways, I don't really know how to classify such a piece, but I hope you found it... stimulating!
Post by: WillowLuman on July 04, 2013, 01:30:04 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on July 04, 2013, 09:35:49 am
Anyways, didn't mention it when I posted: I read your piece mcclay, and it was awesome! I was really sucked in by the action there, really nice description of the fight scene and the weird transformation/staying human scene!
Post by: Skyrunner on July 04, 2013, 09:39:05 am
Post by: MaximumZero on July 04, 2013, 10:17:46 am
I feel like translating poems, but I'm as always worried about the quality and whether anyone even will read it >_<...Vector apparently co-wrote a book doing just that. Have at it!
Post by: Skyrunner on July 04, 2013, 10:27:27 am
Post by: MaximumZero on July 04, 2013, 01:17:09 pm
But she's Vector! :<And you're essentially Korean-Vector-pre-university.
Translate them. We'll enjoy reading them.
Post by: Tiruin on July 04, 2013, 05:26:19 pm
^ This so much :<But she's Vector! :<And you're essentially Korean-Vector-pre-university.
Translate them. We'll enjoy reading them.
I've promised myself to get back on the stories here..despite a long and unannounced hiatus due to RL work.
Also I've personally seen those translations. They're real touching, those poems...well, for me given how art and literature seems to be my loves. XD
Post by: Skyrunner on July 07, 2013, 02:17:21 am
Quote from: Birds — Park Namsu
1
In the rapids of the winds
laid in the sky, or
in the shade of a tree
which whispers and rustles, birds
sing. Even though they do not know it is song.
Even though birds do not know it is love
A pair of birds nestle
their beaks to the other's shoulder,
and share each other's warmth.
2
Birds do not create
meaning by singing.
They do not pretend to flirt
They do not fake love.
3
—Though the hunter aims a lump of lead
at the pureness of the birds,
he always shoots
merely a blood-soaked reflection of a bird.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on July 07, 2013, 11:45:57 am
Moar!!!
Post by: MaximumZero on July 07, 2013, 03:20:29 pm
that was great, Your trepidation was misplaced to be sure!See? You're doing good. Keep at it.
Moar!!!
Post by: Pnx on July 21, 2013, 01:10:26 am
I'm feeling frustrated with computer issues right now, so I'm thinking about blowing off some steam on writing something that I came up with while lying awake in bed last night (I have a lot of ideas that come to me while suffering insomnia).
So pull up a chair, or since you're probably sitting in a chair already make yourself comfortable or whatever.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I've got a hazy idea of some continuation, but that's really all I can be asked to write tonight.
Post by: Devling on July 21, 2013, 01:20:21 am
I would read a full story of Fox and Lily.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on July 21, 2013, 08:24:26 am
Post by: ThatOneGuy on July 22, 2013, 03:49:16 am
Quote
The winter wind, so cold and dead
flowed its woes throughout the browned and grey thread
that wove together in a solemn cloth,
oh what dreary, this land has caught.
Yet, o'er the horizon I spot
a flower, so yellow and red, like a beautiful ink blot
It rose and it liven the grounds where it lay
it brought happiness and youth back to the dreary clay
Oh, but all life, must come to an end
The flower, the woods, and even those who ascend
Death is part of life,
And the flower fell from all the strife
Post by: sjm9876 on August 19, 2013, 05:23:51 am
There was better paragraphing, but the tab-spaces didn't carry over.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On another note, one of my friends has convinced me to do nano this year. Any advice?
Post by: Digital Hellhound on August 19, 2013, 10:27:56 am
Post by: WillowLuman on August 19, 2013, 12:28:23 pm
Post by: Fishbreath on August 19, 2013, 01:56:28 pm
For a number of reasons, I wasn't able to do it this year, but there's an official Camp NaNo in July for people who have more time to write in the summer.
Post by: sjm9876 on August 19, 2013, 02:14:48 pm
Post by: vagel7 on August 20, 2013, 03:05:26 pm
"The Gravedigger", a little something I wrote just to pass the time. I wrote this mostly to see how well I can write pretty much about one guy doing one thing in short story form with little to no descriptions/world-building. It is quickly written and English isn't my first language but criticize away!
I'm really interested to hear your thoughts, good and bad.
Post by: Skyrunner on August 22, 2013, 10:03:05 am
Quote from: Na Taeju: Grassflower
I must look close
to see its beauty
I must look long
to see how lovely it is
Like you, too.
Quote from: Jung Hoseung: For The Whales
If a blue ocean has no whales
It's no ocean blue
If in the blue ocean of your mind
no whales live and grow
then you're no young one
People who don't know that
The blue ocean is blue for the whales
don't know what love is
Sometimes whales emerge above the horizon
and watch the stars
I, also, sometimes watch the stars
for my mind's whale
Quote from: Mun Junghwi: Winter Love
I wish to go to you like a snowflake
Without hesitation
Without wandering
Without any secrets
I wish to leap into your white life
and become warm winter
I wish to become a thousand year's snow
This poem is spoilered because it's both redundant and also surrealist, so it's pretty hard to tell what the point is.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: supposed meaning (click to show/hide)
Post by: Superblackcat on September 13, 2013, 12:31:07 am
Different, but similar.
Complicated, but simple.
Cursed.
The Priest, seeking a life, away from the cruciform.
His mentor, crucified by electricity,
Living through a life of endless pain,
Waking up to death, dying to life;
The curse of immortality.
The Colonel, love dripping with evil,
The betrayal through battles,
His savior, His worst enemy, the same person.
The double edged sword, the one he vows to break
The curse of love
The Poet, seeking the finish,
Reaper of the poem.
His pen flowing with the blood of the dead
Poems written by sacrifice.
The curse of knowledge.
The Father, seeking reversal.
His blood and flesh, sent back through time,
The sacrifice, the attention.
His journey, for his own.
The curse of youth.
The Detective, seeking for truth.
The world of the correct fault,
Where accidents are planned,
And Truth is destroyed.
The curse of curiosity.
The Consul, seeking for renewal,
The beauty of barbarians, A world stuck in place.
Humans destroying, Savages evolving.
The destruction, of rebirth.
The curse of justice.
A road of infinity,
To the blades of God.
Where time flows backwards, and the future is in the past.
The place where the price of one,
Is the death of all.
Just throwing that out there...
Based on "Hyperion" (the book)
Post by: Eek-A-Mouse on September 16, 2013, 11:43:58 pm
Leaning-back anthropomorph
I’m happy to take this time to unwind
And sip from Briarwood Amphora--
Pipe
Gug gurgle phwip
Puff phwup pffuff
L.b a
--The ambrosial curling milk from tooth-marked mouthpiece
That uplifts me on whirling grey-white nimbus.
Pipe
Pth pth pffrolickth
Gripth the glad fumes--
L.b a
Your wispy Cavendish winds enwrap my earthly
And supinate my thoughts to reflections
Of the everlasting black expanse.
Pipe
--And intake: my nicotine
bestows the dopamine you desire!
Sit with me and make ritual, succumb
this eve to relaxation's mandate
that lips and tongue grasp my cusp
and my vapor breaks into your lungs!
L.b a
Somnolent now, I return
amphora to drghm hick hmph
sptoo! chest pocket.
Ghrm ghrum hrmph and know
That if this eve my slumber everlasts
Or my within sprouts thicket of tumors
I shall have lived fearless of what kills
and experienced every sort of thrill.
Pipe
Thump-crack. You neither lack
judgment nor the dunce's cap.
Post by: Draignean on September 19, 2013, 08:16:37 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
PS. I have no idea why about half of my tabs carried over and the other half disappeared.
Post by: Eek-A-Mouse on October 08, 2013, 01:58:30 am
I live in a mechanized body. A teenage protégé, I built it to thwart my enemies. The words they flung at me glanced off the flesh-like tarpaulin exterior and I laughed as my creation’s face remained static.
It does have limitations. Years have passed and I did not consider growth. My form has cracked as I fit into the machine like a geisha’s foot into her shoe. I sometimes must talk to others and for that I spin rusted wheels and tap dials that stick.
Now I look at various people from behind the transition house’s desk: hairy, bruised, clean, athletic, stump-legged and in wheelchairs. I rotate the head ninety degrees east and there sits Nicole on the seat beside me. She has eyes pale blue like Neptune against caramel angular skin that concurrently shock and crystallize my squirming heart.
She asks me why I read Joyce and the wry curve of her thin purple lips lifts a tone of irony that slips through the ear’s transistor radio and titters about my body. I know how this will end. I languidly tap on this and that key and pull a string to open its mouth. It outpours the drainage waste of my true intentions and sounds:
“He’s complex and I can’t understand anything really”—a pause as I abandon the keys to adjust the eyes that through inattentiveness fell on her chest—“but the words are nice and it has good imagery.”
“Ah. That does sound complex.” She smiles but averts her gaze to the residents.
A pink fedora glides to the desk.
“Mail?” The wheezy hat asks.
I arch the machine upright and bend it over the cardboard mail folder. A return rotation and then I say “None today. I’ll mark your wake-up for four next morning. Sleep well.”
Before I sit I watch the gray curly hairs wave on his waving liver-spotted arm as the pink hat atop the frail man on his wheelchair glides to the door.
“Thank you, but I won’t be staying tonight.”
Away from the shelter I find safety in my room. It is a white room with an olive air mattress in one corner and a plywood desk and notebooks in the other. One pad documents questions to use during conversation and the other details my experiments. Both are unreliable. The pre-thought questions only add to my robotic tone. The other lists chemicals, drugs, and alcohols that all have proved as useless as the phrases.
Here at least I can move without ensuring its movements won’t make others suspicious. When free I stumble and arch around this cubicle, but it grows claustrophobic. The space feels too close now. I’ll drop off my bags and leave.
Alcohol was crossed off and deemed unhelpful long ago but I nevertheless now find myself on a wooden chair at a dim corner table with a few shots of amber scotch. As I sit and decant the liquid through fabricated throat and into my gaping mouth, I forget myself and fuse into the skin-embracing gears.
Those eyes again. At the bar and talking to a pair of shiny teeth with smooth skin and a button-down folded neatly on tan arms. She glances at me and waves. I lackadaisically lift my palm and the half-full glass beside it slides across the table but stops at the edge.
“I wouldn’t have expected to see you here” says she, now standing at the table and pulling me into the orbit of billowing blue Neptune.
Does she know what she’s putting me through? I tap the cloudy shape-shifting keys and try to make it speak. “I sometimes”—and then—“come here.”
“Oh, ok. My friends and I are at the counter if you want to join in.”
There were faces at the counter that either smiled at her or laughed at me when she walked away. I finished my drink.
I like the night. Especially hazy nights like tonight. Above is a full moon or a street lamp. The sidewalk is hard but my feet seem to bounce along. Despite the coat on the gears the cold still seems to turn my skin into gelatin. My organs are wobbling. A sip from the bottle eases things but the night grows dimmer. Black now. Did I miss something?
Sensation. Sickly sensation, but I feel. It is bright outside. There is a giggling trickle of water nearby and I am laying on dirt and rocks. I turn to my left and see a wheelchair and plastic legs and then that gray face and pink fedora.
He wheezes. “Last night as I was feeding the minnows you fell from the sky. Or rather, that ledge.” He nods upwards to the steep muddy edge held in place by trees and roots. “You swan-dived onto a rock—sprock! Ha! I thought you were dead, but instead your head smashed and chest ruptured in a metallic din and one body fell out of another.” He clears his throat. “The flashiest molting I’ve seen in my days and I’ve seen quite a few things.”
I see myself. Crooked arms and toothpick legs and a few feet shy of that body I built. I can move, though. I arch my back and sit beside his plastic legs. “Thank you,” I say, and don’t use buttons.
“No, thank you. I only watched you fall. If you look ahead there’s a path that takes you from the ravine.”
I exit and sit naked on the warm sidewalk beside the trees that line the precipice. My keys and wallet were on the other body, but that’s fine. I think I’ll sit here for a while and bask in the sun.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 08, 2013, 05:02:42 pm
It's quite unbelievable,
I tell you the truth.
Only $3.98,
this is no spoof!
It can be anything,
we call it The Sneed;
a sweater, a sock, or even a rock!
everything's there, even what's not.
I'm being sincere,
I wouldn't lie:
if you buy this from us
you'll be able to fly!
So in conclusion
I say:
You best buy this sneed;
it's never not what you really need!
Post by: Doomblade187 on October 11, 2013, 11:44:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 13, 2013, 09:48:26 am
I wonder... the Paradox Forums had/possibly have a writing thing called 'Guess the Author'. Basically, a number of writers submit short pieces of writing related to a chosen common theme or idea. The stories are then gathered anonymously and open to criticism and comments by readers (who also try to guess who the author might be). After a time, the authors are revealed and the next round begins.
What I was thinking was if the same concept would work here. We don't have the same game AAR authors to go back on, though we could use FG&RP or the DF community stories and criticism can be found here. It could be more of a game with readers voting for best stories (keeping it anonymous so no bias), too.
Basically, I just like the idea of a regular writing exercises the forums could criticize and rate without bias either way that comes from knowing the author. A competitive factor wouldn't hurt.
The original GtA is here if you don't get what I mean, (http://forum.paradoxplaza.com/forum/showthread.php?132748-quot-Guess-the-Author-quot-Analysis-and-Critiques) and I am never very clear.
And I still think it's a good idea. I'm sure one of you has waited for the opportunity to organize this forever, so now's your chance (because I can't be arsed to).
Also, here's a scene I wrote a while back (and actually posted somewhere on these forums), give it a looksie, comments, criticism;
Post by: Superblackcat on January 08, 2014, 01:26:24 am
Quite a different voice...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Caz on January 08, 2014, 02:44:47 am
Post by: Superblackcat on January 08, 2014, 10:05:35 am
Post by: Tiruin on January 08, 2014, 11:00:26 am
Cries a little because this is deadIt isn't dead it just-
...
Yeah it's mostly all my fault. :/
Give me until the weekend (or until Sunday)--critique inbound!
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 08, 2014, 11:30:47 am
Nice an corp SBC. We should inject some life into this thread again. Flash fiction contests or something.+1
Post by: Superblackcat on January 08, 2014, 09:45:57 pm
Post by: Doomblade187 on January 08, 2014, 10:58:55 pm
Define An Corp pls?I think he means a thread necro.
Post by: Willfor on January 14, 2014, 08:12:20 pm
WRITER'S APPRENTICESHIP FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE 2014: JAN15-JAN22
This week's random prompt* (http://flashfiction365.tumblr.com/prompts): [196] - Hidden From Your Eyes
Write 300-1000 words, and post it to this thread under a spoiler. We'll not be competing for prizes, this is just for practice. Feel free to experiment.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 15, 2014, 09:05:54 am
Don't know what inspired this for the most part. I felt we needed an apocalypse that wasn't zombies, though.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on January 15, 2014, 12:25:20 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
NamÓlin the Sylvan Maid
O NamÓlin the Sylvan maid
Who wandered long on Urd
And learned the secrets of the den
And from the nest of bird
Her touch was gentle on the green
Which grew on forest hills.
Her magic long lay on the land
Which man now sows and tills.
Her gown of green and earthy brown
In sun shone as she walked
Through wooded hills and citadels;
To beasts and birds she talked
Of Lady Green the bards still sing
With sorrow in their song
For into night her story leads;
Her lands with shadows throng
Through Eastern woods her foot falls went
To border wreathed in fear
Which twists and turns through haunted hills
And cuts through shadowed mere
Ah, NamÓlin! Where walk you now?
The woods your passing mourn;
Their grief is seen in faded leaf
And branches torn by storm
Lamenting are the trees and stones
Which lie on icy ground
And moon-lit lakes shed silver tears,
For never was she found
The stars on high look down in grief
Upon the darkened land.
The sun shines on, but saddened now;
A dimmer flaming brand
Aaaaand another
A breeze which rippled through the grass,
Showed to me through ferny green,
A band of happy revellers
Who dance and joyful sing.
I stand in awe and look from high
Upon their tiny troupe.
They stand but an inch from the ground,
Arrayed in dancing hoop.
Bedecked in clothes of green and brown
They hop and skip and jump,
Around my feet they sing and beat
On drums a rhythmic thump
Their felt clad feet are very fleet,
Their song is sweet and high
It fills the hollows of the land
Then rising meets the sky.
They dance away into the wood,
The breeze which welcomed me,
Forsakes this place where I met them,
Their dance not mine to see.
Criticism is appreciated!
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 15, 2014, 12:59:28 pm
The
The demons at night are like a blanket of night. Hmmm. The sentences:
Quote
The dark hours are the worst; the monsters cover the mountain range like a blanket of night. But nonetheless, I am here. I am here, and my task will be finished. I swear it on my honour, my sword…my life. I only wish my friends could be here…But that is unimportant.seem a but cheesy to me.
It's a bit odd to me the creature starting dropping down to ambush him in front of him. You'd think it'd at least wait until he was looking in a difference direction. Or jump on him. Either way.
Now your turn: what was wrong with mine? :P
Post by: TD1 on January 15, 2014, 01:24:20 pm
he turned and ran best he could, the broken rib grating in his chest with every step.
Seems a bit non-descriptive. Broken rib? Grating? You should describe the waves of pain he feels, dots floating in front of his vision. Something like that, anyway.
Post by: sjm9876 on January 15, 2014, 01:30:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on January 15, 2014, 09:56:58 pm
Post by: Caz on January 16, 2014, 12:58:13 am
So Uni stuff caused me to be exponentially busy--will try to get that promised stuff soon. x_x
Do a something. I'll come out of hibernation and participate somehow.
Post by: Servant Corps on January 20, 2014, 07:54:31 am
Post by: Fishbreath on January 24, 2014, 09:28:16 am
Servant Corps, I'll have a look at that later—alt-history stuff is great, and I serialize everything I write these days.
Edit: if there's interest, I can look at providing a once- or twice-weekly writing prompt. I did those for a while, a bunch of years ago, and they were a handy tool for self-improvement.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 24, 2014, 07:21:27 pm
Post by: Willfor on January 24, 2014, 07:47:35 pm
So.
WRITER'S APPRENTICESHIP FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE 2014: JAN25-FEB1
This week's random prompt* (http://flashfiction365.tumblr.com/prompts): [28] - Floating
Write 300-1000 words, and post it to this thread under a spoiler. We'll not be competing for prizes, this is just for practice. Feel free to experiment.
Post by: sjm9876 on January 25, 2014, 05:24:31 am
Spoiler: Floating (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on January 25, 2014, 09:16:26 am
Post by: Servant Corps on January 25, 2014, 04:16:04 pm
Spoiler: The Float (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 30, 2014, 01:27:41 pm
Spoiler: Falling (click to show/hide)
Post by: Willfor on January 31, 2014, 11:03:07 pm
Spoiler: That's A Miss (click to show/hide)
Post by: Willfor on February 04, 2014, 02:48:57 am
>___>
Have a table!:
| Names | #1 - (Hidden From Your Eyes) | #2 - (Floating) |
| GiglameshDespair | x | x |
| Th4DwArfY1 | x | |
| sjm9876 | x | x |
| Servant Corps | x | |
| Willfor | x | |
WRITER'S APPRENTICESHIP FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE 2014: FEB4-FEB11
This week's random prompt* (http://flashfiction365.tumblr.com/prompts): [136] - Red Lines
Write 300-1000 words, and post it to this thread under a spoiler. We'll not be competing for prizes, this is just for practice. Feel free to experiment.
Post by: sjm9876 on February 05, 2014, 02:59:54 pm
Spoiler: Red lines (click to show/hide)
Post by: Draignean on February 06, 2014, 12:59:39 am
I don't have as much time to write as I'd like, but I think I can slam out a couple critiques and declare a winner every weekend.
Post by: Willfor on February 06, 2014, 01:11:26 am
Post by: WillowLuman on February 06, 2014, 01:13:26 am
Red Lines story pending, though.
Post by: Draignean on February 06, 2014, 02:38:47 am
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp 2014 Edition
"Because I can."
Rules
Your story must be greater than 250 words.
Your story must be less than 10,000 words. (Translated into average paperback pages, that's ~40 pages.)
Your story must be submitted before Sunday at whenever-I-start-grading (and preferably earlier) to be considered.
Your story must respond to the prompt (in some way) in order to be considered for grading.
You cannot win twice in a row. You may be ranked first, but you can't get the benefits of 'winning'.
You can submit a story either in the thread or by pm. If you submit by PM, your story will remain anonymous.
You Can
Submit stories from a larger body of work, as long as they fall within the word limits.
Write in any kind of style you feel like. I really don't give a damn and I've read pretty much anything.
Write poetry. Bear in mind that I am not a brilliant judge of poetry and will be a very wishy-washy critic in that regard. Note: Poetry is exempt from wordcount.
You Cannot
Write stories of graphic sexuality. Forum rules, blah blah blah. Keep Reginald's quivering member to yourself. Sex is fine, just don't make it the centerpiece of the story.
Write nonfiction. I don't care if it's a spectacular history of central Asia that explains Kazakhstan's multi-vector politics AND somehow fits the prompt. NO. Bad brain!
Submit the exact same story twice, even if it fits two prompts. You must evidence clear and substantial revisions before you can re-enter an old piece.
How this Works
Every week there will be a prompt submitted Sunday night or Monday morning. You then have the rest of the week to work on your story. You can submit anytime between the start of the contest and Sunday. I'll start ranking things Sunday, and if you post your story too close to the deadline, I won't consider it into the rankings and you can use it another time.
Later Sunday I will declare someone a winner and rank the rest of the stories. I will provide critique along with each piece. It may not be substantial, but I guarantee you that I will read it and point out the parts of it that I think work best and the parts that need the most work. I will avoid being mean, but I will also avoid telling you something is awesome when I think it needs work.
Then, after I declare a winner, that person declares the next prompt. Then the process repeats. If the winner doesn't post a prompt by the end of Monday, I will post one that night. The winner can also waive the right to make their own prompt, but I can't imagine anyone doing that. I may also veto the winners prompt and write a new one of the occasion calls for it. Fanfic, since it you need knowledge to write in it, is a banned category for prompts. (Not, however, for stories.)
TO BEGIN: Prompt 1, extra long write time. Submissions open 2/6 - 2/16
Prompt: Take any popular theme from a story, movie, show, whatever, and invert it. The humans are killing all robots, the dark lord was actually kind of a good guy, the hero is an unlikeable bastard, the princess is ugly, etc, etc. Have fun with it.
Spoiler: FAQ (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 06, 2014, 03:46:40 am
Post by: Arx on February 06, 2014, 04:03:00 am
Spoiler: Probably Cringe-y Pigeon Poem (click to show/hide)
If you do feel like criticizing, feel free to be as harsh as you like.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on February 06, 2014, 04:36:04 am
I'm gonna try to get into both of these writing exercises as I have more free time now. Only great things can follow.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 06, 2014, 04:41:23 am
Digital Hellhound's idea sounds good as well
Spoiler: Probably Cringe-y Pigeon Poem (click to show/hide)
Seems decent enough. I honestly can't think of any improvements to it. Pigeons, though... damn flying rats *shakes fist
Post by: Draignean on February 06, 2014, 09:47:34 am
I'd like to suggest (well, resuggest) an idea of mine. Have the stories presented anonymously for the forum for rating and comments. Would be nice to get unbiased critique and rating. I'm all for a competitive contest in any case.
Sounds good, how do you want to do it?
Post by: Digital Hellhound on February 06, 2014, 09:54:25 am
I dunno, it's possibly unnecessary complication. Just do whatever you feel works best.
I started my Red Lines piece, too, shall try to finish it.
Post by: Draignean on February 06, 2014, 10:13:12 am
I have faith in your impartiality.
You are a very silly person.
The option has been added to submit by PM or by post to the contest.
Maybe we should have to review the other input stories in order to submit ours? This thread does have the slight problem of stories are posted but you're not sure anyone else read them.
Problem is that creates a rising cost to get it. I'd love for people to do it of their volition, but forcing it is a recipe for slowdowns and worse. The first person has to read absolutely nothing in order to get in, the second person has to read one thing, and the third person has to read two things and so forth and so on. A contest is a lot less attractive when someone tells you that, in addition to writing a story, you have to read and critique the stories of the five people who were here first.
Of course, you could require that everyone review everyone else’s before judging to ensure that some people didn't end up having to give five reviews while the first person to gave none, but then what happens if a story is submitted Sunday morning? I'm probably not going to have started looking at things before then, but then I have to wait for review submission from everyone else. You can see how this might not work so well.
Post by: Skyrunner on February 06, 2014, 10:25:21 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 06, 2014, 12:38:26 pm
Maybe we should have to review the other input stories in order to submit ours? This thread does have the slight problem of stories are posted but you're not sure anyone else read them.
Problem is that creates a rising cost to get it. I'd love for people to do it of their volition, but forcing it is a recipe for slowdowns and worse. The first person has to read absolutely nothing in order to get in, the second person has to read one thing, and the third person has to read two things and so forth and so on. A contest is a lot less attractive when someone tells you that, in addition to writing a story, you have to read and critique the stories of the five people who were here first.
Of course, you could require that everyone review everyone else’s before judging to ensure that some people didn't end up having to give five reviews while the first person to gave none, but then what happens if a story is submitted Sunday morning? I'm probably not going to have started looking at things before then, but then I have to wait for review submission from everyone else. You can see how this might not work so well.
Ah yeah, that makes sense. Didn't think of that.
Anyway, my submission for Draignean's:
Spoiler: The Onslaught (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on February 06, 2014, 09:02:00 pm
How's about submitting it to one person and said person will post all those stories in one single post with only a tag number so the reader/judge won't know who wrote what?I have faith in your impartiality.
You are a very silly person.
The option has been added to submit by PM or by post to the contest.
The PM receiver would post them all. And judging will be by number. :O
I'd forward myself but I dunno if that's a good idea to others..somehow.
Soo ... lazy... must .... write...Tiruin instills passion and fervor into Skyru's writing stance.
You write well. Nobody will read it. Now write so everyone will read it!
I'm doing this right, Draignean?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 08, 2014, 05:01:30 am
At last, instead of laziness!
Spoiler: Pushing the Speed of Light (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on February 08, 2014, 02:03:51 pm
Spoiler: Red Lines (click to show/hide)
Post by: Servant Corps on February 08, 2014, 05:52:23 pm
Spoiler: No Exit (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Note (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on February 08, 2014, 06:08:05 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 08, 2014, 06:15:21 pm
I, uhh, notice now that this is 1200+ words, which is a bit over the limit. I hope that's not too much of a problem. Formatting might need a lil' tweaking, too. Anyway, Red Lines, here goes;
-snip-
Write more, would you kindly.
Entry for Draignean's contest. If I do continue entering in his contests, I want to have all my entries link together in one continuity. For giggles, I guess.Spoiler: No Exit (click to show/hide)Spoiler: Note (click to show/hide)
Entry for Draignean's contest. If I do continue entering in his contests, I want to have all my entries link together in one continuity. For giggles, I guess.Spoiler: No Exit (click to show/hide)Spoiler: Note (click to show/hide)
Huh. Never heard of a post-apocolyptic setting caused by the end of scarcity. Interesting concept.
Post by: Caz on February 09, 2014, 11:39:13 am
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp 2014 Edition"Because I can."
I wanna do this, but can't think of a good trope to invert. Hmm.
To TVTropes! oh god why
Post by: Caz on February 09, 2014, 01:26:25 pm
Spoiler: Acid Rain (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on February 12, 2014, 06:16:03 am
Post by: Skyrunner on February 14, 2014, 06:50:28 am
Post by: sjm9876 on February 14, 2014, 06:59:33 am
Post by: Draignean on February 14, 2014, 09:43:27 am
I wrote a story for Draignean's contest! But I feel apprehensive about uploading.
Indeed. You would not be the first to do so. I promise to not be offended or think less of you for anything your write. Unless it's just a 25 word 'yo momma' joke, in which case I'll break your kneecaps for not adhering to guidlines.
EDIT: I can't use the english language in the morning. Seriously, reading what I sleep-type is equal parts humiliating and hilarious. It's entirely phonetic.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 14, 2014, 11:22:48 pm
Post by: Skyrunner on February 15, 2014, 08:24:18 am
Spoiler: 1494 words, Draignean contest (click to show/hide)
Post by: Doomblade187 on February 15, 2014, 11:51:48 pm
Post by: Draignean on February 16, 2014, 12:49:23 pm
Post by: Draignean on February 16, 2014, 03:03:13 pm
Contest 1
Redactions are noted by ared strikethrough. Insertions in green, comments in blue boldface.
Redactions are noted by a
Spoiler: Entry 1, Unnamed and Anonymous (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Entry 2:No Exit. Servant Corps' Entry (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Entry 3: The Contract. DoomBlade's Entry. (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Entry 4. The Onslaught. GilgameshDespair's entry (click to show/hide)
FAKEEDIT: Doing this in stages. I have some HW that I need to get done over the weekend, and the recolors make this take a lot longer than I expected. Other writeups coming later.
RealEdit: Cut the original of the Anonymous entry. The annotated version is pretty much unreadable, but the post is breaking the character limit otherwise.
Post by: Tiruin on February 16, 2014, 05:44:18 pm
I'll..just PM them later-ish, when I get my wits about me..
Post by: Draignean on February 16, 2014, 05:49:35 pm
Aw great, nearly a week away and Im too busy to submit my stuffs, and they're due already! >_<
I'll..just PM them later-ish, when I get my wits about me..
Not done grading yet. So, if you can finish them before tonight then you'll be fine. I'll only hate you a little.
Post by: Parsely on February 16, 2014, 05:50:14 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 16, 2014, 05:52:06 pm
Post by: Draignean on February 16, 2014, 05:54:01 pm
Draignean, you did get mine, yeah? Just checking.
YES. I HAVE YOUR STORY. I'M JUST A SLOW PANDA.
Post by: Tiruin on February 16, 2014, 05:54:25 pm
I deserve more of that hate, really. You're too kind. u_uAw great, nearly a week away and Im too busy to submit my stuffs, and they're due already! >_<
I'll..just PM them later-ish, when I get my wits about me..
Not done grading yet. So, if you can finish them before tonight then you'll be fine. I'll only hate you a little.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 16, 2014, 06:04:20 pm
Draignean, you did get mine, yeah? Just checking.
YES. I HAVE YOUR STORY. I'M JUST A SLOW PANDA.
OK. THAT'S FINE THEN. THANK YOU.
Post by: Servant Corps on February 16, 2014, 10:14:00 pm
Quote
My complaint, however, is still rather large. This isn't a story. It's a world setting piece, the introductory section of a good story, the first five minutes of a movie, the glow before actual dawn. It's good. It just needs characters, a story, and another couple thousand words.Yeah, I agree with you on this. It is a nice idea, but I do need to actually do something with it. My hope is that I will enter your contests with entries set in that same setting, and hopefully future entries will have plots and characterization instead of oblique worldbuilding.
I can see you having a lot of fun with this piece, and I can see a couple cool stories to tell, but it cannot be finished here. Mad Max is not a story about the apocalypse, it is a very familiar story of duty and revenge set in the apocalypse.
Post by: Willfor on February 17, 2014, 12:23:38 am
Have a table!:
| Names | #1 - (Hidden From Your Eyes) | #2 - (Floating) | #3 - (Red Lines) |
| GiglameshDespair | x | x | x |
| Th4DwArfY1 | x | ||
| sjm9876 | x | x | x |
| Servant Corps | x | ||
| Willfor | x | ||
| Digital Hellhound | x | ||
WRITER'S APPRENTICESHIP FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE 2014: FEB17-FEB24
This week's random prompt* (http://flashfiction365.tumblr.com/prompts): [54] - A Bird Cage
Write 300-1000 words, and post it to this thread under a spoiler. We'll not be competing for prizes, this is just for practice. Feel free to experiment.
Post by: TD1 on February 17, 2014, 12:52:06 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on February 17, 2014, 12:55:49 am
Next: *cheers Draignean* :)
Post by: Draignean on February 17, 2014, 01:52:45 am
Post by: Tiruin on February 17, 2014, 01:55:15 am
Though..I''m very sorry if you really did extend it just for me, or even then so..thanks either way.
Couldn't make the schedule due to...things, that happened in the last week.
I really didn't write it in the form of 'Competition and proving', but in the spirit of doing what I love to do: imagine, create and write. Have a nice night Draig!
Post by: Draignean on February 17, 2014, 02:04:17 am
I don't have time to post it then, and especially due to RL stuffs that happened in the past week--it's fully ok with me though. I do appreciate your extension however. A lot. And thanks. :)
Though..I''m very sorry if you really did extend it just for me, or even then so..thanks either way.
Couldn't make the schedule due to...things, that happened in the last week.
I really didn't write it in the form of 'Competition and proving', but in the spirit of doing what I love to do: imagine, create and write. Have a nice night Draig!
I know. But I feel compelled to write reviews, and I don't want to be up all night. I am sorry if I sound angry/ill tempered, I'm just tired. Just enter in next round in a more timely manner, okay?
PPE: In fact, I'm going to write a story for the other prompt, because you remind me that I need to do that. I'm also going to extend your deadline until
Edited so I can declare the winner tuesday, yell at them to write the next prompt, and then reliably start the next round wednesday.
Post by: hops on February 17, 2014, 03:24:17 am
Spoiler: Pigeon (click to show/hide)
Post by: Draignean on February 17, 2014, 03:36:14 am
Spoiler: Charlotte's Cage, 1000 Words on the dot (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 17, 2014, 06:45:35 am
Post by: Fishbreath on February 17, 2014, 08:29:16 pm
Spoiler: Sif (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Falthejn Arnarsson (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 17, 2014, 08:54:31 pm
Spoiler: A Cage That Keeps You Out (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skyrunner on February 19, 2014, 09:17:04 pm
Post by: Tiruin on February 19, 2014, 09:24:53 pm
So..when are Draig's reviews being posted?I cannot post my stories in time. Draignean, I'm very sorry.
Post by: Draignean on February 20, 2014, 12:19:16 am
So..when are Draig's reviews being posted?I cannot post my stories in time. Draignean, I'm very sorry.
NP. I actually feel better about this now that it's extended to a ten day cycle. Admittedly I wanted this out on teusday, but close enough.
Anyway, everyone but Skyrunner had their reviews pasted already. I would also like to amend that I was on crack when I told Gigglemesh that round shouldn't be used like that. I would like to further amend that statement to: "shouldn't be used like that, in that situation".
Results of Draigcorp Writing Contest, Round 1!
5th Place: No Exit
Final Notes: Good style, good concept, I simply can't place it in a group of short stories. If this goes on to be developed into a later series of short stores, I'll be ecstatic, but it's just a setting drop as it stands now.
4th Place: Anonymous
Final Notes: 4th and 3rd were a close pair, and I eventually dropped this one down a notch for two major reasons. The first is that I'm not sure what trope (or troop, as I poorly punned in your review), you're playing with. The scene seems to have more in common with the stereotypical themes than it has against them. Other than a Blackadder, I'm not certain how you'd play with this.
My second concern is the viewpoint. I didn't hit this on your main comments, and I really should have. VP provides the filter through which the audience experiences something, and in doing so shapes the entirety of the piece. However, there are moments in your piece where the VP is confused between the Commander and soldier who gets shot. Pick one or the other, and stick to experiences that only they can perceive. I think that you can improve this piece a lot by settling into one of those two and giving the reader more depth.
3rd Place: Tyrant (Originally Unnamed by Skyrunner)
Final Notes: This is one of my favorite kinds of scene. There's something about "Oh you thought -you were the hero/I was the villain-?" that gets my spine tingling. I do, however, have reservations about the pacing and general tone of each of the characters. I had difficulty believing that the villain was terrifying, or that the hero was a regime shaking force of idealistic might. Like most death scenes, this is very definitely an area where less is more. Every line that the villain says as he dies takes away the power of the scene, every line makes him less powerful, the contrast last poignant. You have the moment in the beginning of the story that provides momentum, the stabbing and subsequent death cycle of the tyrant. Every single line after that bleeds away your momentum.
I think you should try to write this scene exclusively from inside the Tyrant's head, if only as an exercise. I would like to read that story.
Spoiler: Story with Critique (click to show/hide)
2nd Place: The Onslaught
Final Notes: God, but I hate placing top pairs. The deciding factor in dropping Onslaught was its lack of on-scene characterization. I understand that your protagonists doesn't have any backstory because of the type of piece this is, in fact I would find it downright strange if you took a break from the alien invasion to spend a paragraph describing the hero. The problem is that you missed occasion after occasion where you could put the reader in the terrified mind of the rookie. You withdrew from the scene using passive or neutral language when you should have been grabbing the reader by the collar and ramming them into it headfirst. There is a lot of potential here, but it needs more character.
I'm assigning you this (https://pegasus.cc.ucf.edu/~surette/goodman.html). Very little information is given about the background of the various characters in the beginning, but you get a feel for everyone very quickly. It's also depressing as hell and, in my opinion, a poor representation what a short story can be. Still, I can't deny that it has style, and I certainly can't deny the writer's skill.
1st Place: The Contract
Final Notes: I debated long and hard over this, but the Contract takes first because it was the story that fascinated me the most. Granted, the rumination it inspired over the future of a police force designed to counteract increasingly polarized forces may be completely off-base, but it made me think. Which is what short stories are supposed to do.
That being said, you need to do some serious work. The ambiguity of the contract needs to be fixed, as does the reasoning for the main character's death. I can theory craft all the hell I want, but there's a certain frustration in not having enough of the puzzle pieces to make a fridge logic "Aha! So that's why it happened!" moment. Nice work, but it needs more of that nice work.
DOOMBLADE, CHOOSE THE NEXT PROMPT
Post by: Skyrunner on February 21, 2014, 05:59:52 am
I also see how this would have worked a thousand times better as seen from the tyrant's pov if I really wanted it to be long, since dying people usually die rather quickly.
(Also the part where you joked that the tyrant clearly has a huge lung capacity made me laugh :3)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on February 21, 2014, 12:08:06 pm
In any case, futuristic air combat, our favorite topic.
Spoiler: A Bird Cage (click to show/hide)
Post by: Draignean on February 21, 2014, 10:41:40 pm
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp 2014 Edition
"Oh no, not again."
Rules
Your story must be greater than 250 words.
Your story must be less than 10,000 words. (Translated into average paperback pages, that's ~40 pages.)
Your story must be submitted before Sunday at whenever-I-start-grading (and preferably earlier) to be considered.
Your story must respond to the prompt (in some way) in order to be considered for grading.
You cannot win twice in a row. You may be ranked first, but you can't get the benefits of 'winning'.
You can submit a story either in the thread or by pm. If you submit by PM, your story will remain anonymous.
You Can
Submit stories from a larger body of work, as long as they fall within the word limits.
Write in any kind of style you feel like. I really don't give a damn and I've read pretty much anything.
Write poetry. Bear in mind that I am not a brilliant judge of poetry and will be a very wishy-washy critic in that regard. Note: Poetry is exempt from wordcount.
You Cannot
Write stories of graphic sexuality. Forum rules, blah blah blah. Keep Reginald's quivering member to yourself. Sex is fine, just don't make it the centerpiece of the story.
Write nonfiction. I don't care if it's a spectacular history of central Asia that explains Kazakhstan's multi-vector politics AND somehow fits the prompt. NO. Bad brain!
Submit the exact same story twice, even if it fits two prompts. You must evidence clear and substantial revisions before you can re-enter an old piece.
How this Works
Every week there will be a prompt submitted. You then have the rest of the week to work on your story. You can submit anytime between the start of the contest and the Sunday the week after the contest begins. The deadline for stories is the end of that sunday. (8-14 day window) If you post after that deadline then I won't consider your story for the rankings and you can use it another time.
That sunday, or in the week following, I will declare someone a winner and rank the rest of the stories. I will provide critique along with each piece. It may not be substantial, but I guarantee you that I will read it and point out the parts of it that I think work best and the parts that need the most work. I will avoid being mean, but I will also avoid telling you something is awesome when I think it needs work.
Then, after I declare a winner, that person declares the next prompt. Then the process repeats. If the winner doesn't post a prompt by the end of Monday, I will post one that night. The winner can also waive the right to make their own prompt, but I can't imagine anyone doing that. I may also veto the winner's prompt and write a new one of the occasion calls for it. Fanfic, since it you need knowledge to write in it, is a banned category for prompts. (Not, however, for stories.)
Prompt 2. Submissions open 2/21 - 3/2
Prompt: "Choose an emotion or feeling. Use this feeling as a character, be it an avatar of said emotion or a character who personifies this emotion. Now pit said character in opposition to, or as a foil to, another character of an opposing emotion." (Original)
So, basically, Design one character around an emotion, and then put them in a story with a character who is designed around the an opposite or opposing emotion. Both characters must integral to the story. (Revised)
Get Writing.
Spoiler: FAQ (Updated 2/21/14) (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on February 25, 2014, 12:14:05 pm
In a town by the shore—Port Mahoning—
Once lived a young girl—Ida Douning.
She perished at sea.
They say at the lee
Of the churchyard you still hear her moaning.
Post by: TD1 on February 25, 2014, 12:54:05 pm
All worlds in fiery discontent
Are burned-and purged-their beauty spent,
And though the flowers and petals bloom
They all are falling to their doom.
In myth the Grand are emphasised,
No mention given to their fate
Whereby they lived upon a world
Divinely filled with Godly hate.
Mayhap the world is all alone
Without a hand to help it thrive;
But why should we have will to live
Afraid to breathe and be alive.
Perhaps our God is loving us,
Or maybe he is far away,
But long was our eternity
That darkness took beneath its sway.
O come, my friends, and look about.
Beneath the brown decaying earth
There thrums and sings a molten heart
Which lends all things a golden worth.
But O! The world is harsh and cold
Without a light to brighten it.
Our Father, Lord and God above
Deserves to know- He is unfit.
Also, I feel I should say that I mean no insult to those who disagree with the message in it. I don't even agree, it's just an idea I had.
Oh, and another that I wrote there now.
The world to ruin and dark shall fall,
Our hopes and dreams are fleeting things.
Our doom it is to always fall
And never know a life that sings.
A music fills all worldly beasts,
And rises from a hollow land.
The bird that flies can hear the tune-
It whistles when the wind is hewn
By mountains grey that dwell on high.
Oh, to be a beast and hear that song!
To walk amongst those noble men
And hear their voice, and sing along.
Oh, to be about the haunting land,
Where time is naught but drifting sand,
And hold aloft my faceless fear
And, touched, then shed a single tear.
Alright, time to start the challenge.
Post by: Fishbreath on February 25, 2014, 02:45:00 pm
I like regularity in my poetry. For example, one I wrote at MY lunch time :P
Either you have a longer lunch break than me, or you're a whole lot better at poetry. :P I did another one waiting for a build to finish:
Afar, mourners from hymnals are singing—
Here, Jack from the gallows is swinging—
He swings there alone
to the dolorous tone
of the crows 'round the scaffolding winging.
Post by: TD1 on February 25, 2014, 02:55:14 pm
Also, a combination of our poems seems to make this thread seem depressing :)
I usually write happier stuff, but hey. No telling what you'll end up with when you start to scribble something down.
Post by: Fishbreath on February 25, 2014, 03:18:48 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 25, 2014, 05:42:15 pm
Really couldn't think of anything good for Draignean, so went with cheerful/ grumpy. Blargh. Cliche.
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopesuit, Space Salvage (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on February 27, 2014, 10:00:53 am
Post by: Superblackcat on March 03, 2014, 02:31:18 am
Poem Contest!
This will be a lot less formal than Draignean's current contest.Rules:
It has to be a poem, and look like one.
It has to be less than 50 lines. I've no need to read such a long poem.
Topic:
Either about the creation of the universe, or human nature. Feel free to add your own spin on it.
Due date: March 10th
You are welcome to PM them to me!
Post by: TD1 on March 03, 2014, 12:05:16 pm
The earth in fiery flames was wreathed,
And Urd, beginning, in flame sheathed;
But Trist then came, upheld his hand
And calmed the young unquiet land.
He guided molten rock to form
The mountains tall, the Peaks of Storm,
And with his sword he cleft the stone
In valleys deep for him alone.
Then carven were the peaks and hills
Engraved by seas the water fills
Begemmed were skies with stony heights
And sacred were the new-born sights.
When Moira looked upon that place
She saw the cliffs of craggy face
Which stood there bare beneath the sun
Where wildling streams were seen to run.
She rolled the earth across these bones
And covered ores amongst the stones.
She waved a hand and land was etched
In patterns that the seasons sketched.
Upon the land the earth was green
And rivers there ran glistening.
Beneath the sun the mountains high
Were stretched before the evening sky.
Upon the earth came Namolin,
Her figure gleamed with pearly skin.
And where she walked the trees arose
And grasses grew about her toes.
The hills she cloaked in blooming flowers
Which held the light of far-off stars,
And from her hands the seeds were strewn
Beneath the skies and shining moon.
The streams now ran betwixt the hills,
With trees above where water spills
And in the heights the mountains saw
A place enchanting in its awe.
Post by: TD1 on March 03, 2014, 05:04:21 pm
The bow sang as it had never sung before. Arrows darted throughout the clearing, all striking their mark and leaving a shaft of quivering wood embedded deep within the living trees. The ones protruding from flesh did not quiver, at least not that she could see. The bearers writhed upon the saturated soil, but the arrows never moved. To her, they were the foundations of the world, and she cherished every moment of pain they induced.
Some called her evil; others called her witch, demon and fiend.
She called herself Elegen.
Never before had she had such a crop, such a harvest. She had tried out a new method today and was thrilled with it. She had taken down a deer and left it to rot, then waited as the sun inched on its journey across the sky. One bird alit. Then another. Soon, the corpse was a seething mass of black feathers and cruel, jabbing beaks. Grimly amused at their folly, something she herself was exempt from, she drew back her bow and aimed, a faint smile marking her cupid-bow lips. She loosed, and a cloud of feathers rose to drift from the forlorn shape speared to the dead deer. No exodus. They hadn’t even noticed. She grinned again, a harsh, cruel grin perfect for splitting the hearts of brave, foolish men. By the time the birds knew what was happening, it was too late. Only a few lived to dodge her parting salvo and fly indignantly towards the sinking sun. Her smile had never died, never faltered. Today had been a good day. She laughed and sang as she left the shade of her elm and made her way back to town, her spoils rotting in the still forest air behind her.
******
Gerard stirred in his bed and yawned peaceably at the stream of sunlight filtering through the window to pool on his bed. It was intruding on a pleasant dream that he was loathe to give up to the coming of noon, and so he disregarded it and began snoring in small, breathy gasps.
Normally the guards of the Iron Fort were up at the crack of dawn and patrolling the rocky summit of the keep, but today was different. Today was a Holy Day, and that meant sleep to all but the earliest of revellers. And so Gerard slept and slept, his dreams fractured by images of a single, black father floating through an endless white void. His pleasant memories of an earlier dream, in which a green clothed woman stood graciously in the shadow of an elm tree, were shattered as he saw the red drop of blood slowly working its crimson way down the shadowed shaft. He awoke sweaty and hot, without knowing the reason why.
His armour fit him like a tailored glove as he shrugged it over his broad shoulders, and he gave his hair a cursory comb with his fingers in the watchful gaze of his mirror. A flash of his emerald eyes looked at him before he turned and walked heavy footed down the wooden stairs of the Gentle Inn.
Any who had used this rustic inn knew it was far from Gentle. The fights were bloody and rough saw dust coated the floor. It waited to soak up the blood from inevitable weekend fights. The only benefit was the price; for two pennies a meal, albeit one of dubious source, was served. A room was ten pennies, or one silver. A good price for bad lodging, and Gerard only had enough gold for the meanest of lodgings. Even the mirror had belonged to him; the inn saw such things as an unneeded luxury. The bar keep grunted at him as he walked past, and Gerard nodded passively in return. He didn’t trust the fellow, whose gaze always seemed to be estimating the price of his armour.
This is what honour brings you, he thought wistfully. He had been a promising soldier, one ear marked as an officer. But his father had lived in this town, and knew of its plight. The keep needed men, and few went willingly to patrol the outer walls. He was needed, and he didn’t mind that. But he almost wished he could. A faint breeze carrying the scent of old, dirty washing and the refuse of alleys wafted up to him, but he took a deep breath anyway. Another day, another march on the wall. He hoped he’d live to smell this smell another morning.
Trudging his way towards the grim, overbearing keep, he noticed furtive movement in the shadows. A flash of a green dress caught his eye, then swirled and was gone. He merely blinked and cursed his over active imagination, hardly something required of a fighting man. It must have been something else; no wearer of such fine cloth would be moving in this area of town, Dockwall not being the most attractive of places. He disregarded it and went on his way. The stones made harsh sounds in the still air as he walked in his soldier’s boots.
Gerard strode through the halls of the grim castle, passing tapestries depicting scenes long since faded to myth. The ancients paraded in their pomp and ceremony on the woven cloth; there, Lorren Lore Master rode his pitch-black steed, confronting the fell Goblin Hordes. In another the Silver Maiden ensnared the minds of enemies, and turned them against each other. Gerard ignored them; fancy and magic had no place in his day to day business. He walked through high, plain arches and then up flights of twisting stairs before being released into the cool, chill air of the battlements. He breathed deeply and knew he was home.
A sound drifted from a near-by barracks, and he grinned. His companions were probably drinking and winding down after a long day of work. He recognised the tune they sang, and mouthed the words as he walked the stone fortification, overlooking a sea of green forest and muted browns. The Grellich Demesne. Mountains bordered all, their peaks spearing the clouds. Just short of the walls there came a sudden plane which stretched beyond the town to the roiling sea beyond.
My march will go around the keep,
My feet will beat upon the stone,
And for my deeds I will not weep;
By blade and sword shall I atone.
The sword is silver in the moon,
The sun is risen in the shield,
And on we’ll march by this fair tune;
When foes appear their fates are sealed.
For bread and pay we hack and hew,
For hearth and home we kill the beasts.
The pay is deadly low, it’s true,
While singers sing and gentry feasts.
But men we are, we know the fight
And gold is never cold to see.
We kill because we have the right
To dwell betwixt the plains and sea.
My march will go around the keep,
My feet will beat upon the stone,
And for my deeds I will not weep;
By blade and sword shall I atone.
As the last word fell into the air, he stroked his sword and knew the words to be true. Honour and not pay drove him, but he would still fight for hearth and home. Bravery, that was the thing which pulsed with each beat of his heart. And so he walked, and walked, as below the town celebrated. He returned tired to his room, feet sore. He hadn’t rested once.
The next morning, many were clutching at heads and groaning, but Maner, an old, grizzled commoner of Gerard’s tentative acquaintance , was curing his hang over by applying more. Gerard’s lips twisted upwards in the corners in restrained amusement, and nodded to him as he passed by towards the door. Outside, he walked to the fort, much as he had the day before. Day in, day out. He came and left, flitting through days as if they were the pages of his books; a guilty pleasure of his, as a soldier is not meant to read.
A bell tolled, and Gerard frowned at the sound. It blatantly wasn’t noon; some bell boy was going to get an earful for this. He grunted and kept walking, but then a second peal split the air. He froze. He looked at the keep, at the Fortifications, and saw smoke rising. He ran, and the wind threw his cloak behind him dashingly, its red colour lending him the aspect on a hero. He didn’t even realise it, though those in the street certainly did. They looked from the smoke to the running soldier, and felt their fear lessen slightly. If the fort were full of such men, no wrong could occur, could it?
It could. Gerard now ran through halls burning in fits of hellish flame, trying to get to the Lord of the Keep. The smoke had originated from his chambers, and his honour called him to help. And so he ran, beams crashing in his path, obstacles to be leapt over. On the ancient walls, tapestries shrivelled and un-wove, heroic figures blazing with glorious light before the flame consumed them. He passed a few servants dressed in the red and black livery of the Keep, but ignored them. They were futilely trying to douse the flames that inevitably seemed to tear the very rocks asunder. Unnatural came the word to his mind, unbidden. Witch-craft too, came. Gerard ran, faster, faster. His dash through flame that seemed to hit him with a solid wall of heat ended when he came to a pair of simple wooden doors ripped asunder. Standing in their vacant frames stood Elegen, Lord’s Daughter. Silhouetted by flame she and her green dress stood out like a living gem of vibrant intensity, her beauty alien in its fierce lust. Blood lust. He caught sight of her just as the blade swept through the neck of her father, the Lord, and Gerard’s life of ideals was turned from axis to axis. The flames spun in burning arcs as he fell, heavy, tohis knees. The floor boards groaned, but kept their integrity.
Elegen turned, her dress swirling in a brilliant arc, a perfectly cruel smile on her perfect, angelic face. “Gerard! How nice to see you again, especially after my…” here, her face became harsh and cruel, lit by the flickering flames. From angelic to demonic. “Exile. Of course, you too must die.” Gerard looked on as she raised her hand and flung the dagger at him with strength. Gerard almost absently raised his sword, and the vibrations of metal striking metal nearly numbed his arm. Not natural. Not by any means. The shock shook him out of his stupor, and he leapt to his feet, sword pointed at her breast. She looked shocked, and then amused. “You know what is funny, Gerard? I was exiled by my father because I killed for pleasure. I was called witch. I was not a witch. Not then, anyway.” She grinned, and Gerard saw past the face and clothes, saw her true nature. “I am now.”
And thus, as the flames of his beloved Fort, his symbol of honour and greatness, bravery and honesty, leapt to the sky he again heard the trudge of boots on stone. In his mind they reverberated, the sound his boots had made on his march across the battlements. He had seen the land around, but not its beauty. In these, his final moments, he wished he were back up there again, in the breeze and away from the flames of the Fort. Gerard lifted his sword and prepared to run at the witch Elegen, a charge. His cloak caught flame and truly blazed as he ran, and in his sword the flames reflected a thousand fold. The witch laughed and threw back her own cloak of forest green.
Gerard leapt, and so did the witch. Backwards into the fiery room; the flames fled before her as if she were blackness itself. She whipped her hand up…her bow…aimed…fired. A bolt ignited in mid-air, and with deadly accuracy pierced his useless armour. His last, futile thought as he fell as a dead weight from the air was that he had wasted so long polishing that armour, so long. And for no reason, none at all. The only lights in his eyes belonged to the flames, and his beloved Fort became his fiery tomb.
Elegen laughed at his prone figure, then jumped lightly out the chamber’s window. She had a town to deal with. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…
Post by: Draignean on March 03, 2014, 09:09:23 pm
Post by: Digital Hellhound on March 07, 2014, 01:12:02 am
Post by: Willfor on March 07, 2014, 07:30:34 pm
So... can we have us a new prompt and updated list, ey? February 24th has come and gone.Whoa ... It sure has.
Have a table!:
| Names | #1 - (Hidden From Your Eyes) | #2 - (Floating) | #3 - (Red Lines) | #4 - (A Bird's Cage) |
| GiglameshDespair | x | x | x | x |
| Th4DwArfY1 | x | x | ||
| sjm9876 | x | x | x | |
| Servant Corps | x | |||
| Willfor | x | |||
| Digital Hellhound | x | x | ||
| Objective | x | |||
| Draignean | x | |||
WRITER'S APPRENTICESHIP FLASH FICTION CHALLENGE 2014: MAR8-MAR15
This week's random prompt* (http://flashfiction365.tumblr.com/prompts): [231] - An Accessory
Write 300-1000 words, and post it to this thread under a spoiler. We'll not be competing for prizes, this is just for practice. Feel free to experiment.
Post by: MaximumZero on March 08, 2014, 01:49:28 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Servant Corps on March 13, 2014, 07:01:54 pm
Post by: TD1 on March 13, 2014, 07:11:44 pm
Poem Contest!This will be a lot less formal than Draignean's current contest.
Rules:
It has to be a poem, and look like one.
It has to be less than 50 lines. I've no need to read such a long poem.
Topic:
Either about the creation of the universe, or human nature. Feel free to add your own spin on it.
Due date: March 10th
You are welcome to PM them to me!
By default, I win! Huzzah, I'm good for something! :D
Post by: Draignean on March 14, 2014, 04:01:13 pm
When will Draignean be done judging? I want to see if I can make an entry this next contest...
Whenever he gets done worrying about classes and doubting his self-worth, he'll get right on it. I can yell at him to step it up if you'd like.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 14, 2014, 07:24:25 pm
Post by: Willfor on March 14, 2014, 08:19:21 pm
2) Looking at some of the English definitions of "accessory" might help you out a little:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 14, 2014, 08:58:42 pm
1) You still have one day as far as I remember.
2) Looking at some of the English definitions of "accessory" might help you out a little:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I know, but I'm busy and away from my computer for the next couple of days.
I did look at both, but the ol' creative juices just ain't flowing. Anything I'd write would end up being like The Day of All the Blood (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiwQHOpNufs) in quality.
Post by: Draignean on March 17, 2014, 02:13:55 am
Post by: Superblackcat on March 17, 2014, 06:07:20 pm
Post by: Tiruin on March 17, 2014, 09:24:24 pm
Post by: Xantalos on March 20, 2014, 06:16:02 am
Spoiler: Trickster - still incomplete (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on March 20, 2014, 12:44:30 pm
Post by: Xantalos on March 20, 2014, 03:00:17 pm
Good god what the hell did I write.
Uh. I may have to put in a tl;dr.
Post by: Talvieno on March 20, 2014, 03:08:47 pm
*looks at spoiler**was interested in posting here until I saw this, for this reason (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=119562.0)*
Good god what the hell did I write.
Uh. I may have to put in a tl;dr.
*discreetly backs out of the thread*
(honestly, I have great difficulty staying under 1k words.)
Post by: Xantalos on March 20, 2014, 03:11:34 pm
Post by: Talvieno on March 20, 2014, 03:16:16 pm
Well, I sure feel stupid now.
Post by: Xantalos on March 20, 2014, 03:17:03 pm
Post by: Draignean on March 20, 2014, 08:57:03 pm
Yep, I waited and waited... but no one came, and I proceeded to cry in a corner :( :'(
Erk. Sorry. I'd give you a tissue, but my disc drive caught fire the last time I tried to send one through the internet.
2nd Place: Elegen et Gerard
Final Notes: Very different, but a good accompaniment to the first place story. This story took second because nothing actually changed during the course of the story. Sure, Gerard ended up dead (along with misc. others), a building caught fire, but there was no development. The characters in question, Gerard and Elegen, are given their personalities and promptly follow along the trajectory dictated by their personality without changing course or interacting.
In good stories, particularly in the best moments of good stories, people need to change. There are action highs; where blood is spilled, shit gets blown up, and a T-Rex gets magically reanimated. Then there are character highs; where people are bent to the point of breaking, when betrayals come to light, and somehow our heroes end up choosing to remain heroic at the end of the day. This story throws in action, but never character moment. There is no bending or breaking, the characters are simply who they are. A good trait for villain, but not for everyone in a story.
I would like to see this re-written at an earlier point in Elegen's life. The time around when she was exiled would have been a good place to write from, since it allows you to skinride her for all (or most) of your character based moments as she spirals down whatever path led her to EVIL.
Spoiler: Annotated Story (click to show/hide)
1st Place: Space Salvage
Final Notes: You are right, cheerful and grumpy is a cliche pairing, but there is nothing wrong with a cliche pairing. Stories have been told for so long that true originality is quite rare indeed, and usually reviled upon first sighting. Telling a good story is not, necessarily, about originality of elements. A good story is about the originality of the telling, which, thankfully, can be strung out in infinite variation with little effort.
Good story. Funny, made sense, made me smile. I would like to see a longer story where more interaction can be established, but this is just fine for a piece of less than 1000 words.
Spoiler: Annotated Story (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 21, 2014, 05:46:43 pm
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Nerjin on March 23, 2014, 10:43:30 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 24, 2014, 07:21:40 am
Is this story part of an on-going series Giglamesh?
No, it was a one off.
Post by: Nerjin on March 24, 2014, 10:50:47 pm
EDIT: I broke this up into a TON of spoilers to help me get through it a little easier... My thoughts are, obviously, in brackets.
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Anyway... Those are my thoughts. I hope I didn't come off like a dick. Feel free to disregard my advice at your leisure.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 25, 2014, 05:28:30 am
----
I abbreviated it because to me it felt like just what they'd do in-story. I like stories that don't feel they have to explain every word and item, but let the reader work them out instead from the context.
----
To me it just seemed like a ordinary sentence, but maybe I speak strangely.
----
My spellchecker seems to count spiralling as correct, and spiraling as incorrect. Hmmm.
I didn't really want to describe them too much, as I was focused on personalities rather than the actual people - hence why they're in faceless, figure obscurning suits. If I did expand this story further, I'd probably describe cloudview and hopespot more at an earlier point.
----
Fair enough. I do describe it as metal corridors and the like, though it could probably do with a bit more. Once again, that's a symptom of me focusing on characters rather than anything else.
----
It's an abandoned vessel, and she's naturally joky. She doesn't feel in danger. As mentioned later the wars been over for a long time.
----
As a place the characters were highly familiar with, I decided to treat it as if the reader was as well - I felt a description of Mothertree would be out of place. Creds was used mainly because I was lazy and didn't bother to think of something else, so if I did expand the story I'll replace it.
----
Spoiler: Cloudview and Hopespot 1.1 (click to show/hide)
Aaaaaaargghhhh how did I leave that in, I checked for that aaaarggghhhh
----
Yeah, I'll change that. I did word that poorly.
----
As previous.
Buoyed up by excitement - made light, lifted up. Basically they're excited enough they don't care about or notice the clunky suits.
----
As a warship, it's pretty big, and they had to re-pressurise at the airlock to their own ship. Three hours may be a bit much, if you think it's odd, but I wanted to impress this was a large warship.
I assumed deep kisses would be on the lips by default, especially I just said he removed the helmet. I'll add that in.
Once again, it seems like an ordinary sentence to me, but I may have strange sentence structure.
----
They hooked it up because they wanted to see if it was still active.
----
Hopespot always manages to see the bright side.
...
This is sincere, nerjin: thanks. I need people to read it and comment on my mistakes and writing oddities or else I'll never improve. A big problem with this thread is most people just post their stuff and ignore the rest (I'm kinda guilty of this as well).
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 31, 2014, 12:46:59 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skyrunner on March 31, 2014, 01:32:57 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on March 31, 2014, 06:58:57 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 31, 2014, 09:03:55 am
Post by: Draignean on March 31, 2014, 02:55:42 pm
No ideaa. I sent draignean the next prompt, but he never posted again.
Blargh. I keep meaning to write new comments on your revision before I start a new contest, and then I put that off as well. Blargh.
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp 2014 Edition
"Jesus Christ, what's it take to kill this thing?!"
Rules
Your story must be greater than 250 words.
Your story must be less than 10,000 words. (Translated into average paperback pages, that's ~40 pages.)
Your story must be submitted before Sunday at whenever-I-start-grading (and preferably earlier) to be considered.
Your story must respond to the prompt (in some way) in order to be considered for grading.
You cannot win twice in a row. You may be ranked first, but you can't get the benefits of 'winning'.
You can submit a story either in the thread or by pm. If you submit by PM, your story will remain anonymous.
You Can
Submit stories from a larger body of work, as long as they fall within the word limits.
Write in any kind of style you feel like. I really don't give a damn and I've read pretty much anything.
Write poetry. Bear in mind that I am not a brilliant judge of poetry and will be a very wishy-washy critic in that regard. Note: Poetry is exempt from wordcount.
You Cannot
Write stories of graphic sexuality. Forum rules, blah blah blah. Keep Reginald's quivering member to yourself. Sex is fine, just don't make it the centerpiece of the story.
Write nonfiction. I don't care if it's a spectacular history of central Asia that explains Kazakhstan's multi-vector politics AND somehow fits the prompt. NO. Bad brain!
Submit the exact same story twice, even if it fits two prompts. You must evidence clear and substantial revisions before you can re-enter an old piece.
How this Works
Every week there will be a prompt submitted. You then have the rest of the week to work on your story. You can submit anytime between the start of the contest and the Sunday the week after the contest begins. The deadline for stories is the end of that sunday. (8-14 day window) If you post after that deadline then I won't consider your story for the rankings and you can use it another time.
That sunday, or in the week following, I will declare someone a winner and rank the rest of the stories. I will provide critique along with each piece. It may not be substantial, but I guarantee you that I will read it and point out the parts of it that I think work best and the parts that need the most work. I will avoid being mean, but I will also avoid telling you something is awesome when I think it needs work.
Then, after I declare a winner, that person declares the next prompt. Then the process repeats. If the winner doesn't post a prompt by the end of Monday, I will post one that night. The winner can also waive the right to make their own prompt, but I can't imagine anyone doing that. I may also veto the winner's prompt and write a new one of the occasion calls for it. Fanfic, since it you need knowledge to write in it, is a banned category for prompts. (Not, however, for stories.)
Prompt 2. Submissions open 3/31 - 4/9
Prompt: Fixing a broken world.
There are no other stipulations or clarifications, so wipe the Cheeto dust from your fingers and get writing.
Spoiler: FAQ (Updated 2/21/14) (click to show/hide)
Post by: Nerjin on March 31, 2014, 10:53:51 pm
Spoiler: The Grand Golem (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 08, 2014, 04:46:16 pm
Spoiler: A Dance of Broken Glass (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on April 20, 2014, 12:35:38 pm
Spoiler: Let Starfires Fall (click to show/hide)
I wrote this a couple of months back. I'd really appreciate honest criticism, as English teachers tend to be so happy to have someone actually bother to write something decent that they mark... generously.
Post by: Servant Corps on April 20, 2014, 02:45:25 pm
Spoiler: Review of "Let Starfire Fall" (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 20, 2014, 03:31:27 pm
I realise that isn't too helpful, and I apologise, but the way it's written just rubs me the wrong way.
Post by: adwarf on April 20, 2014, 11:50:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on April 21, 2014, 06:30:02 am
Because somebody has to review...Spoiler: Review of "Let Starfire Fall" (click to show/hide)
Yeah, it kinda brick walled when I hit the word limit. I'm glad it works as a worldbuilding piece! That setting has been bubbling in my head for ages, and that snippet was meant to flesh it out. What plot there is exists mainly to fill one of the prompts the teacher set, which kinda got sidelined. I agree that the slavery stuff got a bit heavy.
Thanks a lot.
The sentences seem to run on far too long, even with commas. I just don't really like the writing style.
I realise that isn't too helpful, and I apologise, but the way it's written just rubs me the wrong way.
That is totally helpful. It's a problem with my style that I've been wondering about for a while; it's nice to have confirmation.
Post by: smirk on April 21, 2014, 04:17:47 pm
Spoiler: "fixing a broken world" prompt (click to show/hide)
I can sympathize. It's far to easy to write rambling sentences that sound good in my head but are incomprehensible when written down. I'm still trying to end a long, torrid love affair with the semi-colon =PThe sentences seem to run on far too long, even with commas. I just don't really like the writing style.
I realise that isn't too helpful, and I apologise, but the way it's written just rubs me the wrong way.
That is totally helpful. It's a problem with my style that I've been wondering about for a while; it's nice to have confirmation.
Post by: hops on April 21, 2014, 04:37:55 pm
Spoiler: Library (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eek-A-Mouse on April 25, 2014, 02:18:44 am
---Hi-C Wrapper
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
---On finding happiness in a larger city
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Clarification of references
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on April 25, 2014, 09:23:54 am
This is the place I come to. The gates have been torn from this last pinnacle of the Forumites, those most noble of creatures that had once delved, mined and warred much like their Dwarven brethren. They lie in the mud that I remember as green, those doors, and though once encrusted with gems they now lie empty, hollow. A dead fort, and this the last, dead remainder of civilization. The wind moans through labyrinthine corridors and makes the hair on my arms stand up. A dead place, aye, but also a haunted place.
To combat the sounds of the dead crying and howling, I start to hum. The tune builds in me until I can hold it no more, and the wind dies down. Hushed. Listening. Thus is what I sang;
Where are the Forumites I once knew,
The swords, the axe, the mace?
Oh where are they, the brave and true,
That I had loved to see.
The halls now ring silently
Cursing lack of life.
Oh where, oh where are they?
My heart with woe is rife.
Where once great pillars sweeping rose
Bejewelled in light and gold,
There now is naught, not even foes-
Their works have long been turned to mould.
A shade, I walk between the rooms
Where once sang bards with merriment;
Ah, how I long to hear their haunting tunes,
But oh, they’re gone, their beauty’s spent.
No more shall I be cast adrift
For I am here inside the Fort
Of Forumites, where long I dwelt
In blazing ball, in flow’ring court.
I turn my back from this drear place,
A tear is in my eye-
They’re gone, the Forumites,
An age has passed, I watched it die.
No more is bravery an art,
No longer NAV is drunk on joy.
We were the last alive to see
A place the gods could not destroy.
“Where are my friends,” I sigh
And in the sky the sun begins to climb.
“Where did they go?” I whisper; cry,
Distraught, a second time.
Behind is Necrothreat,
Ahead the whole of life and light,
But I would throw it all to hell,
For one more glimpse, a single sight….
Of halls that gleam and glitter white,
Then red, then green, then blue!
Of faces harsh and hard,
But nonetheless honest and true.
Mayhap also I would see the land
Around turn green, fertile and ripe,
But more I’d love to see the men,
The ones who fought for what was right.
And then I’d see the people live,
And walk, and talk-just live their lives!
Oh what I’d give to see that sight
With these two weary eyes.
Head raised, looking at the dark testament of what once, I release my woe and sadness, and though that haunted wind no longer wails throughout the halls, my woe is heard. Large, shaking sobs that come once the last note leaves my lips and hangs, ethereal, in the air before it dies. There is no healing this. There is no return to glory. All is dead.
-----------
I wrote the poem for the succession game Necrothreat, so I figured I may as well write something brief around it too.
Post by: sjm9876 on April 27, 2014, 10:49:50 am
I have no idea what inspired me to write this, nor the reason for the sudden cut off.
But yeah - just though I'd post something as I haven't really had the time to write recently.
Post by: adwarf on April 28, 2014, 04:55:50 pm
Spoiler: Story Snippet Thing (click to show/hide)
Post by: Alexor on April 29, 2014, 07:52:52 am
Spoiler: Coffin (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skyrunner on April 29, 2014, 08:04:38 am
Post by: hops on April 29, 2014, 08:52:05 am
Prompt was: "Spill a small secret you never told anyone before in third person."
Spoiler: Scent (click to show/hide)
Post by: Alexor on April 30, 2014, 04:20:45 am
Spoiler: Coffin: Chapter 1 (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on April 30, 2014, 11:09:45 pm
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp Objectcorp Edition 2014
"Turns out it takes a few takeovers and assassins."
"Turns out it takes a few takeovers and assassins."
Rules
Your story must be greater than 250 words.
Your story must be less than 10,000 words. (Translated into average paperback pages, that's ~40 pages.)
Your story must be submitted before Sunday at whenever-I-start-grading (and preferably earlier) to be considered.
Your story must respond to the prompt (in some way) in order to be considered for grading.
You cannot win twice in a row. You may be ranked first, but you can't get the benefits of 'winning'.
You can submit a story either in the thread or by pm. If you submit by PM, your story will remain anonymous.
You Can
Submit stories from a larger body of work, as long as they fall within the word limits.
Write in any kind of style you feel like. I really don't give a damn and I've read pretty much anything.
Write poetry. Bear in mind that, like Draignean, I'm not exactly a good judge of poetry either unless said prompt is scenery. As before, poetry is exempt from the minimum word count limit.
You Cannot
Write stories of graphic sexuality. Forum rules, blah blah blah. Keep Reginald's quivering member to yourself. Sex is fine, just don't make it the centerpiece of the story.
Write nonfiction. I don't care if it's a spectacular history of central Asia that explains Kazakhstan's multi-vector politics AND somehow fits the prompt. NO. Bad brain!
Submit the exact same story twice, even if it fits two prompts. You must evidence clear and substantial revisions before you can re-enter an old piece.
How this Works
Every week there will be a prompt submitted. You then have the rest of the week to work on your story. You can submit anytime between the start of the contest and the Sunday the week after the contest begins. The deadline for stories is the end of that sunday. (8-14 day window) If you post after that deadline then I won't consider your story for the rankings and you can use it another time.
That sunday, or in the week following, I will declare someone a winner and rank the rest of the stories. I will provide critique along with each piece. It may not be substantial, but I guarantee you that I will read it and point out the parts of it that I think work best and the parts that need the most work. I will avoid being mean, but I will also avoid telling you something is awesome when I think it needs work.
Then, after I declare a winner, that person declares the next prompt. Then the process repeats. If the winner doesn't post a prompt by the end of Monday, I will post one that night. The winner can also waive the right to make their own prompt, but I can't imagine anyone doing that. I may also veto the winner's prompt and write a new one of the occasion calls for it. Fanfic, since it you need knowledge to write in it, is a banned category for prompts. (Not, however, for stories.)
Prompts 1. Submissions open 5/1 - 5/11
Prompt: Same, but different.
The story must take place in a world where humans and civilization exist and is similar to us, but with a certain fact of life taken for granted in our common day different. Other fantasy/sci-fi elements not relating to this "change" itself is discouraged, but not banned.
Spoiler: FAQ (click to show/hide)
Post by: WillowLuman on May 01, 2014, 01:42:38 am
Spoiler: Same, but different (WIP) (click to show/hide)
Post by: IronTomato on May 02, 2014, 11:28:28 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 02, 2014, 12:32:15 pm
Spoiler: The Beastmen (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on May 03, 2014, 08:34:09 am
Low quality but eh.This doesn't look related to the contest, but I'm not sure.Spoiler: The Beastmen (click to show/hide)
If it isn't, I can provide some feedback. Possibly.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 03, 2014, 08:41:40 am
Low quality but eh.This doesn't look related to the contest, but I'm not sure.Spoiler: The Beastmen (click to show/hide)
If it isn't, I can provide some feedback. Possibly.
It was, yeah, but obviously not well enough. What if people lived in water rather than on land.
Basically this:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on May 03, 2014, 08:43:04 am
Post by: LARD on May 06, 2014, 10:44:34 pm
Spoiler: Limited Omniscient (click to show/hide)
Appreciate comments
Post by: flame99 on May 11, 2014, 10:24:28 pm
Post by: hops on May 11, 2014, 10:40:13 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on May 11, 2014, 11:49:43 pm
Post by: Digital Hellhound on May 12, 2014, 04:05:53 am
The Prison Ship (Word) (https://www.dropbox.com/s/9m54d2evw052k1l/The%20Deviant.doc)
The Prison Ship (OpenOffice) (https://www.dropbox.com/s/7eviqwyw8lwjehn/The%20Deviant.odt)
Post by: granzteel on May 13, 2014, 09:01:39 am
Spoiler: Mau, Nato’s Incarnate (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on May 22, 2014, 06:21:02 am
Oh yeah, this is set in the same universe as Let Starfire Fall. These are the "Masters", in all their glory.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 25, 2014, 03:09:35 pm
Post by: hops on May 25, 2014, 03:10:23 pm
Post by: hops on June 01, 2014, 10:58:27 pm
Post by: Hubris Incalculable on June 17, 2014, 12:28:28 am
Spoiler: Prologue (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Half-finished first chapter (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on July 15, 2014, 03:05:02 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's quite short.
Edit: Hubris, it looks prety good! I will confess to not having read it properly all the way through, but the concept was interesting. The main thing that bothered me was the use of commas (which is something I hope I've been doing less) in large quantities.
Post by: Doomblade187 on July 26, 2014, 10:29:30 pm
Also, would you guys like if we just did weekly prompts here- not necessarily ranking/editing them, but just prompts?
Post by: flame99 on July 29, 2014, 11:34:30 pm
Anyways, I wrote a bit of a short story about some events that happened in a game of Civ V.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Beast Tamer on July 30, 2014, 01:44:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on July 30, 2014, 02:00:40 pm
Quote
no-one ever call you by your nameShould be "calls", but that's the only concrete grammar mistake I noticed. I don't know what to chalk up to American English.
I'm all for the idea of weekly prompts. I can't guarantee to write something every week, but I can try.
Post by: Beast Tamer on July 30, 2014, 02:05:30 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on July 30, 2014, 02:13:19 pm
This is what I get for venturing into Creative Projects.
One thing that bugged me a little bit was that there was no explanation of how he got caught - what connected him to the crime?
Other than that, I don't think that there were many, if any, grammar errors that Arx didn't find.
PPE: Nothing in it stood out as AMAZING, but I think it is overall a solid short story.
I'm all for the idea of weekly prompts. I can't guarantee to write something every week, but I can try.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on July 30, 2014, 02:50:46 pm
Do you want simple prompts like before (a word or a phrase to start on), or restrictions/'the story must have X' kind of prompts?
Post by: Beast Tamer on July 30, 2014, 03:11:37 pm
Humanity encounters an Alien species for the first time.
Prompt two:
Sappy romantic comedy of mistakes.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on July 30, 2014, 04:47:04 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on July 30, 2014, 04:55:12 pm
Found this old post on humans being the scariest aliens. Knew I'd seen it somewhere:Taken from the WTF thread, write something about humans being the intergalactic terrifying bad guys who are massively OP!
http://teal-deer.tumblr.com/post/57910877901/siderealsandman-friendlytroll-astrakiseki
Post by: Tack on August 02, 2014, 01:46:46 pm
Post by: mastahcheese on August 04, 2014, 02:00:40 pm
Post by: Azkanan on August 04, 2014, 02:41:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on August 04, 2014, 02:48:20 pm
The moon and stars aloft may cast their light
But none can touch my heart as is your wont
For in your eyes I see a Spring, a font
That fills my mind and heart, ensnares my sight.
Your hair in tresses on your back does lie
And in its sheet the night is young, and black.
You are my missing piece for all I lack,
You are the beat of blood and closing eye.
Oh, please, I beg of thee my noble dame,
Don’t look upon me with disdain!
Your petal lips weren’t made to pout
So please now don’t put them out.
I am a mortal man, and you a star on earth,
I am a thing of mud and you surpass my worth,
But please, will the princess wish to feign
A love that’s more than mere disdain?
Post by: mastahcheese on August 04, 2014, 02:51:39 pm
Post by: Arx on August 04, 2014, 03:00:49 pm
Snip.
This is pretty solid; I assume the over-the-top-ness is intentional?
Snip again.
This is, in my not particularly humble right now opinion, far, far too purple. I had difficulty parsing parts of it because of the liberal strewing of adjectives, but other parts were better. I'm too tired to try to narrow it down further, sorry.
Post by: TD1 on August 04, 2014, 03:03:16 pm
I mean, sure, love might exist (Whether through chemicals or otherwise doesn't matter) but I ain't ever seen it.
Post by: mastahcheese on August 05, 2014, 08:16:49 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on August 05, 2014, 08:20:15 am
Post by: Tiruin on August 05, 2014, 08:23:42 am
HOLY HELL I LOVE YOU MASTAH
Post by: Worldmaster27 on August 05, 2014, 08:26:24 am
HOLY HELL I LOVE YOU MASTAH
Post by: mastahcheese on August 05, 2014, 08:30:06 am
I love you guys.
Post by: TD1 on August 05, 2014, 08:42:20 am
Have a limited edition, never before issued
*Hug*
Post by: Digital Hellhound on August 05, 2014, 09:02:09 am
Post by: Tiruin on August 05, 2014, 11:23:32 am
Oh come on, it's not that good./me shoots you. ...with confetti.
I love you guys.
It helps me with my self-esteem!
But seriously, yes. Natural flow.
Post by: mastahcheese on August 05, 2014, 12:20:03 pm
:DOh come on, it's not that good./me shoots you. ...with confetti.
I love you guys.
It helps me with my self-esteem!
But seriously, yes. Natural flow.
Post by: flame99 on August 05, 2014, 02:05:43 pm
HOLY HELL I LOVE YOU MASTAH
Post by: hops on August 05, 2014, 04:04:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: MaximumZero on August 06, 2014, 12:38:03 am
I immediately thought of Jethro Tull while reading this. Needs a flute/piccolo solo. Otherwise, solid work.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on August 06, 2014, 08:24:37 am
Spoiler: This one holds no meaning. (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: But this one has some feeling (click to show/hide)
Post by: MaximumZero on August 06, 2014, 12:23:22 pm
I have no idea who Jethro Tull is. :PWhaaaaat!? Here, listen (http://grooveshark.com/s/Locomotive+Breath/4OY6j5?src=5).
Post by: mastahcheese on August 06, 2014, 12:29:37 pm
I'm on my iPod so I can't listen to it right now.I have no idea who Jethro Tull is. :PWhaaaaat!? Here, listen (http://grooveshark.com/s/Locomotive+Breath/4OY6j5?src=5).
But here's the latest thing I wrote. (writing is time consuming for me because I have to write it on paper first, then transcribed the damn things when I have access to my devices in order to post them.)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on August 06, 2014, 02:36:26 pm
Though I never know where mine will end up either. This one for example was going to be happy.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on August 07, 2014, 11:06:29 am
The right-aligned text should be read in a seperate voice, or the reader will sound crazy.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on August 07, 2014, 11:11:50 am
That made me sad. Very well done.
Post by: mastahcheese on August 07, 2014, 11:15:48 am
:(Remind me not to write poetry when I'm having mood swings.
That made me sad. Very well done.
This is what happens.
I make goblins cry.
Post by: Tiruin on August 07, 2014, 11:39:19 am
You are a great poet.
Haven't had my emotions run me through in...a month post-[STUFF] happening.
Thanks for that.
Post by: TD1 on August 07, 2014, 11:40:50 am
No poem has ever made me cry before.
Post by: mastahcheese on August 07, 2014, 11:44:34 am
It means a lot.
Post by: Arx on August 07, 2014, 11:46:30 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on August 07, 2014, 01:11:46 pm
(As you can see, I've forgotten all the terms of English poem analysis.)
Post by: hops on August 08, 2014, 06:53:59 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on August 09, 2014, 05:15:46 am
Post by: mastahcheese on August 10, 2014, 04:24:46 pm
I've spent today debating on whether or not to post this.
Why not.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Good night, Bay12.
Post by: Anvilfolk on August 11, 2014, 10:38:07 am
That was intense...
And also really good.
Post by: TD1 on August 11, 2014, 10:47:07 am
That's some...intense and...perhaps unhealthy feeling, Mastah.
You really need to resolve things there, for better or worse, because you shouldn't have to live through what you're feeling.
Post by: mastahcheese on August 11, 2014, 10:54:28 am
Wowza.Well, I don't live with my real family anymore, so...
That's some...intense and...perhaps unhealthy feeling, Mastah.
You really need to resolve things there, for better or worse, because you shouldn't have to live through what you're feeling.
Yeah.
It's a process.
Post by: Doomblade187 on August 14, 2014, 10:27:14 am
Well, glad to hear that much if the poem is any indication. I might toss something up soon.Wowza.Well, I don't live with my real family anymore, so...
That's some...intense and...perhaps unhealthy feeling, Mastah.
You really need to resolve things there, for better or worse, because you shouldn't have to live through what you're feeling.
Yeah.
It's a process.
I felt the poem was really well done and compelling, for the record- any possible 'mistakes' were erased by the passion of the poem.
Post by: Arx on August 15, 2014, 02:52:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
As always, any and all criticism requested and appreciated.
*Well, it's a space penal colony. Same thing, right?
Post by: Doomblade187 on August 16, 2014, 08:43:40 am
Spoiler: It Was a Beautiful Night (click to show/hide)
Feedback is welcome. I did very little editing, and while I'm not entirely happy with the execution of the piece, I like the feel and the general ideas behind it- this is a world-building piece, in a way.
Space Australians- I like the piece, it reminds me of what I've done before in some ways, and while I'm not sure what universe it's from (It sounds like an existing one, but I'm not exactly sure.) Also, I can't really tell if the main character is supposed to be an immortal or not- that part of the passage is fairly vague.
Post by: Arx on August 16, 2014, 02:36:27 pm
On that prose note...
Maybe cut back on the line breaks a little? It could just be my preference, but I was a little put off by the number of paragraphs. Otherwise, apart from a few small oddities that would I think be solved by a specific proofreading, nice and solid. I want to know more!
Quote
Space Australians- I like the piece, it reminds me of what I've done before in some ways, and while I'm not sure what universe it's from (It sounds like an existing one, but I'm not exactly sure.) Also, I can't really tell if the main character is supposed to be an immortal or not- that part of the passage is fairly vague.
It's in the same setting as all the other writing I've done over the last year, so there are some things that I don't elaborate on that I maybe should. As for the immortal part, she's not. She's meant to be speaking fairly hyperbolically after she steps out, and I was trying to think of another way to say eternity/forever. I'll look at revising it to be less ambiguous.
Post by: Doomblade187 on August 17, 2014, 11:03:36 pm
Maybe cut back on the line breaks a little? It could just be my preference, but I was a little put off by the number of paragraphs. Otherwise, apart from a few small oddities that would I think be solved by a specific proofreading, nice and solid. I want to know more!
Spoiler: More. Maybe not a complete chapter, but I do like how it's going. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on August 19, 2014, 03:17:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on August 21, 2014, 01:28:07 pm
Spoiler: Let's try something less depressing, shall we? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Doomblade187 on August 22, 2014, 10:01:03 pm
Post by: mastahcheese on August 23, 2014, 02:22:58 pm
Spoiler: I don't honestly remember when I wrote this one (click to show/hide)
Post by: IronTomato on August 24, 2014, 12:00:01 am
Here's what I've been thinking. I want to create an SCP. I like being funny more than anything, which is why I never take writing seriously, even though I still have some skill with it, if I can get past the initial brainstorming phase. It is for this reason that I thought about creating a joke SCP at first.
Eventually, I decided that I'd attempt to create an SCP which would be interesting and mildly creepy to everyone else, just like an SCP should be. But at the same time, it would be amusing to myself, and other people who would understand the inside joke - the cryptic source that it would be based on. A group that few people will actually know about, except for those who are a part of it.
Yeah, that's right, I'm planning on making an SCP based on the Bay 12 Forums. Has it been done, should it be done?
Post by: hops on August 24, 2014, 05:41:52 am
Post by: Doomblade187 on August 25, 2014, 11:57:37 pm
So, I wrote this piece while listening to this amazing album (http://hymen-records.bandcamp.com/album/night-falls) and no other songs, often writing to the music and the stories I and others have put to it, kind of as an experiment. (I wrote much of it to the 'Dis' tracks on the above-mentioned album, so a lot of influence there.) I've noticed a bit of editing, but I'll pass on it for now. I almost included dialogue, but it didn't didn't seem to fit, so I didn't.
Post by: mastahcheese on August 26, 2014, 08:10:24 am
Spoiler: First fragment (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on August 29, 2014, 07:58:14 am
Spoiler: Second fragment (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on September 05, 2014, 08:08:09 am
Spoiler: Third fragment (click to show/hide)
If anyone wants to offer any opinions or critisisms or anything, I'd appreciate that, so I can get better at this. :>
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 05, 2014, 04:59:25 pm
MMMOOOOOOOORRRRREE
You're an awesome writer, I'm enjoying this story of yours.
Post by: mastahcheese on September 05, 2014, 05:07:46 pm
You're an awesome writer, I'm enjoying this story of yours.:D Thank you!
Post by: adwarf on September 06, 2014, 12:49:28 am
Spoiler: The Name 'Vald' (click to show/hide)
Here's a probably terrible short story I had lying around half done, and decided to finish today.
Post by: mastahcheese on September 06, 2014, 12:58:31 pm
A little confusing in a couple parts, but it made sense by the end so I'd say it was good. I liked it.
Post by: TD1 on September 06, 2014, 08:34:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on September 10, 2014, 01:25:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on September 10, 2014, 01:28:43 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I really like this.
Post by: Parsely on September 10, 2014, 01:34:40 pm
-snip-
I really like this.
Post by: Doomblade187 on September 10, 2014, 02:03:51 pm
-snipped-
I really like this.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 10, 2014, 03:43:27 pm
Post by: mastahcheese on September 10, 2014, 04:59:26 pm
Meant to post this yesterday, but forgot.
Spoiler: Fourth Fragment (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on September 11, 2014, 11:38:52 am
Mastahcheese, I don't have any specific advice for your stories other than that this (http://www.writewords.org.uk/word_count.asp) is very useful for avoiding becoming repetitive. Its usefulness does drop pretty fast as your writing extends, though, so whilst it was very handy for the thing I wrote yesterday (which is about two-seventy words so any unintentional reuse is bad) it would be less useful for your fragments (chilling a little over a thousand words each, at an estimate).
Post by: mastahcheese on September 11, 2014, 11:45:12 am
Thank you; I will remember this, it is rather helpful to me.
(And yeah, I'm bad about being repetitive, I need to learn more words.)
Post by: Parsely on September 11, 2014, 03:38:15 pm
Quote
"I am the great-" he began, not noticing an arrow richochet off the side of his helmet, "Lord-Forged Matthius Jorun."-is my favorite noble git right next to Mandorallen from the Belgariad.
Post by: TD1 on September 11, 2014, 03:49:39 pm
Post by: Parsely on September 11, 2014, 04:15:29 pm
Can't remember his name, but I preferred the bowman to Mandorallen.:o
You've read it as well.
His name was Lelldorin.
Post by: TD1 on September 11, 2014, 04:17:58 pm
I even read some of the....argh,...Mallordian? Can't remember that name either. Gonna have to reread it soon.
Post by: Parsely on September 11, 2014, 04:28:42 pm
Sure, I read it. Was a while back, but at the time it was one of my favourites :PLelldorin was the archer guy who was clueless and Mandorallen was the big knight guy who was equally clueless and full of HAM and NOBLE INTENTIONS and whenever the characters made a plan he would suggest that they charge right in and fight like MEN and the other characters would :I at him and go back to planning while he pet his horse. <-- Along those lines. His character is actually pretty deep.
I even read some of the....argh,...Mallordian? Can't remember that name either. Gonna have to reread it soon.
Post by: TD1 on September 11, 2014, 05:15:43 pm
But Lelldorin was foolish, but admirably patriotic. Often too patriotic, but that doesn't mean it didn't add a certain depth to him which his personality didn't.
He was a privileged bastard at first, but he soon learned from looking at the serfs, that they needed help. He was as loyal as the Knight, and he had a character that was slightly more realistic than Mandorallen, to me. He wasn't so suicidal-seeming, anyway :P
Where Mandorallen was as firm as a rock in his intentions, and in fact seemed very inflexible, Lelldorin seemed to learn, and change as he went.
Post by: mastahcheese on September 11, 2014, 05:43:40 pm
I actually thought I did a bad job of introducing Matthius the sixth, compared to the later things he's supposed to do.
That said, I've not read whatever you're talking about. What's it called?
Post by: Parsely on September 11, 2014, 09:23:10 pm
Add in the forbidden love, and you've got a fully-fleshed character :PUhhhh, how much of the five volume series did you actually read?
But Lelldorin was foolish, but admirably patriotic. Often too patriotic, but that doesn't mean it didn't add a certain depth to him which his personality didn't.
He was a privileged bastard at first, but he soon learned from looking at the serfs, that they needed help. He was as loyal as the Knight, and he had a character that was slightly more realistic than Mandorallen, to me. He wasn't so suicidal-seeming, anyway :P
Where Mandorallen was as firm as a rock in his intentions, and in fact seemed very inflexible, Lelldorin seemed to learn, and change as he went.
Post by: TD1 on September 12, 2014, 11:10:36 am
As said before, it was quite a while ago. I can remember which characters I liked, and most of the important parts of the plot.
I suppose I'm forgetting some important point on Lelldorin, then?
Post by: Parsely on September 13, 2014, 01:48:55 pm
Spoiler: ACTUAL SPOILERS for the Belgariad (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 15, 2014, 11:19:41 pm
It's a story I've wanted to write for a while and havnt been able to so here goes ( this is only a tie bit of the whole that I want to eventualy finish)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on September 15, 2014, 11:36:09 pm
Quote
"..chest/neck.."You can't write it like that when it's someone's dialogue. That's bad narration.
"Makeshift", in the sense you were using, is a single word. You wrote "claps" but probably meant "clamp" since he was talking about stopping some bleeding.
Also this:
Quote
A deep raspy voice, " Ok darling send them in" the computer monitor is shut off.
Should probably look something more like this:
Quote
A deep, raspy voice. "Okay darling, send them in." The computer monitor is shut off.
And there's more bits like that scattered throughout. Lots of grammatical errors, most notable the punctuation.
Overall it's pretty light on description. Where are these characters who are being told the story? Is Uncle Tom telling a story to a bunch of kids while sitting in a blank white room furnished only by a single chair, a desk and a computer? The computer monitor is shut off, how is it shut off? Does he push a button? Does he wave his hand in front of it? What surface is the jeep driving on? Is it bumpy? Is the sun out? Is it raining? Are they even outside? You need more little things. Details make a story more fun to read.
Post by: hops on September 15, 2014, 11:39:14 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 16, 2014, 06:33:50 am
As for low detail while in the jeep ride, the person was I between comatose so I wanted the detail to match what he could notice
Post by: Parsely on September 16, 2014, 10:51:21 am
Thanks for the feed backYeah, so maybe detail the feelings he was having in his partially conscious state. Unless you're dead, you're always thinking or dreaming or imagining something.
As for low detail while in the jeep ride, the person was I between comatose so I wanted the detail to match what he could notice
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 16, 2014, 11:09:56 am
feed back wanted
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on September 16, 2014, 11:33:40 am
Post by: mastahcheese on September 16, 2014, 02:17:27 pm
Spoiler: Fifth Fragment (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on September 16, 2014, 02:26:01 pm
Continuation
feed back wantedWill continue laterSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Going good, but there are always improvements! It looks to me (feel free to disagree, guys like Draignean if you're reading this thread, because you're more experienced than me) like you need to show more and tell less. Don't describe everything as "There were..." "The <item> was...", but rather try to let the reader fill in some details.
Rather than saying "There was a dais in the middle of the room; there was a very dusty cube on it." all the time, go for "I reached up onto the dais in the middle of the room, retrieving the dust-coated cube."
If I can't explain it, TVTropes might (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ShowDonttell). Keep it up!
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 16, 2014, 02:48:27 pm
just found out I have more time to write sooooo
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 17, 2014, 06:35:33 am
After observing the room I sat up in the stretcher. As I began getting up my head felt lighter and I began to get dizzy. The heart monitor was now steadily beeping once every about second and a half and was getting pretty annoying.The heart monitor was now beeping? You knew how it was beeping before?
You could could show the monitor was getting irritating rather than just say 'it's annoyin'.'
I swung my legs around to the left side of the bed opposite of the heart rate monitor as to not knock it over. Once I was finally sitting upright I saw a doctor layingLying, not laying, in this case.
on the floor.So he just dismisses the person on the floor? Rather odd thing to do when you (presumably) wake up in a hospital. How does he know he's a doctor? Is he dressed as one? Say so. A short-haired man in grimy doctor's wear sprawled facedown on the ground, occasionally admitting a groan. Seeing no movement, I continued quickly glancing around in confusion.
The doctor seemed to be unconscious but I could hear groaning from his direction but his face was on the ground. I ignored him for now and observed the floor, there was short tan grass growing out of the cracks. I saw a grey drawstring bag on the ground near the door with a crowbar next to it.
The heart rate monitor was still beeping steadily and I was getting really annoyed, so I grabbed the needle that was in my arm, and attached to the monitor, and pulled it out. A sting of pain shot through my arm as I slowly pulled it out of my skin.You should reword this. Saying you pulled it out of you skin twice is redundant. I grabbed the needle in my arm and slowly pulled it out, a string of pain shooting through my arm. Blood oozed from the puncture and slowly trickled down my arm.
There was a drop of blood that pooled at the hole in my arm and slowly began to flow down my arm only to stop a few inches down and begin to harden.
That's one hell of a short time for blood to congeal.
The doctor began to groan louder and then as the pain stopped I could hear the monitor emitting a loud high pitch noise that was starting to hurt my ears.Quite of lot of things in here are oddly worded (I fear I kicked his arm; this is one of my more horrified moments) and you have a run on sentence. Once again, so the protagonist just ignored the guy face down on the floor groaning until he got up as a zombie? Rather peculiar.
I got up to look at the draw string and as I stepped forward with my left foot and when I tried to pull my right foot but there was something holding it back. I looked back and noticed that the doctor had reached out and grabbed my ankle. I fear I kicked his arm releasing his grip and I jumped back against the wall.
The doctor began getting up and I noticed that his whole front was covered in caked dried blood, his skin was a pale white saturated in olive green, his eyes were covered in a greyish white film, his left cheek was cleaved off just hanging on his face with the cheek bone sticking out partly chipped, and his left arm seemed to be fractured in several places. His right arm had been propping his body up while he got his legs under himself. This was one of my more horrified moments in life.
I stood up and...and what? You've just stopped in a middle of a sentence.
----
Your writing tells, rather than shows, and that's the main problem. It's informative in the way a manual is: it merely says 'things are like this' without adding anything, but it isn't even that informative. How does the protagonist feel about the things he sees? How does he react to events that occur? Think of all the senses, as well. Does he smell the decay of the corpse, sickly sweet like rotten fruit? He observes the room. Well, what does his see? For all we know he might be in R'lyeh rather than a hospital.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 17, 2014, 07:14:40 am
I'm probably going to re write that while chunk today
Turns out writing a story while taking notes isn't the best idea
Post by: Noel.se on September 17, 2014, 09:44:59 am
Spoiler: Part 1 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on September 17, 2014, 10:13:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
*ahem* Very mysterious, looking forward to the next part. A few spelling errors here and there but overall pretty okay. Nothing really happened yet.
Post by: mastahcheese on September 17, 2014, 10:20:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 17, 2014, 10:38:05 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
and yes he had been hearing the heart monitor, this is a continuation of other short posts I've made
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 17, 2014, 12:02:16 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 17, 2014, 12:16:48 pm
Post by: Noel.se on September 17, 2014, 04:22:59 pm
Spoiler: Part 2 (click to show/hide)
Here is the revised version of part 1:
Spoiler: Part 1 (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on September 17, 2014, 04:48:05 pm
If any of you thought me writing a story meant I'd stop writing poetry...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I absolutely love this one. In fact, I seem to love all the poems you write.Curse your poetical superiority! ;)
Also, here's something I'd really like someone to look over. It's my personal statement for UCAS, and I know that's not quite what this thread is about, I'd still appreciate the help. My preferred courses would be English with Creative Writing or English and History, so the Personal Statement had to accomodate both. I have, of course, removed place names :P
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 17, 2014, 05:00:54 pm
Seems alright to me.
Post by: hops on September 19, 2014, 06:51:08 am
Post by: Arx on September 19, 2014, 02:28:19 pm
Nice suspense and storyline, but watch your tenses - you're jumping between past and present, which is bad.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 20, 2014, 05:42:00 am
'More and more silent' seems a very strange way of wording it to me. To me, something is silent or it isn't; maybe it should be 'more and more quiet' or 'quieter and quieter'.
Double-check your 'where's and 'were's.
Post by: Moogie on September 21, 2014, 12:26:02 am
Spoiler: Primer: brief summary of events that lead our characters to this scene (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Excerpt proper (click to show/hide)
(Edit: Actually spotted a couple of annoying problems as I was reading my own post, hah! Sorry if you caught the 'old' one. I'll leave it alone now.)
Post by: mastahcheese on September 22, 2014, 11:39:30 am
Spoiler: Sixth Fragment (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on September 22, 2014, 12:20:43 pm
Ooh, this looks fun. I've been drafting my first 'serious' attempt at a story this year, and I'm starting to think it's sounding okay. I need your best criticisms to knock me down a peg and remind me I'm still a novice at this! :D Mind if I throw you guys an excerpt?That's quite good, no real critiques other than there's perhaps a few deets that could've been less nonspecific, like referring to the woman's tools as "medical supplies" when you could've perhaps described it a bit more. It's good to be just the slightest touch vague when you're describing things for the benefit of the reader's imagination, but the situation is too personal to use a term so broad as "medical supplies", as if she brought in a pile of crates or something. Perhaps "she held a dun-colored satchel in her arms, the whole assortment clinking noisily as she set it down with care and visible effort (it was obviously quite heavy for the frail old woman). It could be seen to be full of glass bottles, corked vials containing dark, bitter-looking tinctures that one wrinkled his nose at just to imagine the taste. There was a bundle which, retrieved and unfurled, held an assortment metal tools in neat sleeves. Some were long and pointed, others bent and hooked, all looked wicked and deadly, and Dannil swallowed hard at the thought of all the torturous deeds might have been done to similarly young men before him. Retrieving one of the sharper blades, the woman pulled bits of varicolored cloth from her pockets and, using it, began to divide them into neat strips-" That sort of goes on, and the fearful bit I threw in there sort of falls on itself, but it's just an example of how you can use fine details to paint a distinct picture.Spoiler: Primer: brief summary of events that lead our characters to this scene (click to show/hide)Spoiler: Excerpt proper (click to show/hide)
(Edit: Actually spotted a couple of annoying problems as I was reading my own post, hah! Sorry if you caught the 'old' one. I'll leave it alone now.)
It's sort of unclear what the set is, but the medic referred to "infection" and had laudanum so you're prolly going for a late 19th/early 20th century thing, I'd wager.
Post by: Arx on September 22, 2014, 12:52:56 pm
I'm inclined to differ with GUNIN on this particular piece, where I feel that the introduction of more details would begin to be overkill - you can't describe everything in detail, and it fits with the concussed MC that some details aren't carrying through. It's your writing though, and you are the one who decides how to apply criticism. If you think GUNIN's right, he's right, and ditto the other way.
Edit: because I can, here are a couple of prompts for anyone feeling like writing but with no idea what to write:
It will be spring, the season of weeping.
Plague, evil, and it seems the rain is scheming.
Pulled off a random prompt generator. (http://www.seventhsanctum.com/generate.php?Genname=writeprompt) Not in aid of anything in particular - just for the purpose of maybe encouraging some more writing. If you post it, you'll get feedback!
Post by: Parsely on September 22, 2014, 01:00:06 pm
I'm inclined to differ with GUNIN on this particular piece, where I feel that the introduction of more details would begin to be overkill - you can't describe everything in detail, and it fits with the concussed MC that some details aren't carrying through. It's your writing though, and you are the one who decides how to apply criticism. If you think GUNIN's right, he's right, and ditto the other way.Well, my example was certainly overkill, I kinda went a bit overboard. Just a few more details couldn't hurt though.
Post by: Arx on September 22, 2014, 01:41:49 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on September 22, 2014, 01:49:29 pm
Post by: Moogie on September 22, 2014, 02:24:55 pm
Quote
It's sort of unclear what the set is, but the medic referred to "infection" and had laudanum so you're prolly going for a late 19th/early 20th century thing, I'd wager.
I'm glad you picked that up! It isn't strictly 19th century earth as we knew it, but definitely the same technological period.
A criticism I'd poke at myself (as if I don't have hundreds of those already...) is that I don't think I give each character a distinctive enough voice. The old lady should probably use a few word Dannil would consider 'old fashioned' or somesuch. But, that's something I'll focus on a lot more during editing, anyway.
I may post again, but for now, this was very helpful. Thanks!
Post by: WillowLuman on September 22, 2014, 04:06:35 pm
Post by: Parsely on September 22, 2014, 09:33:43 pm
A criticism I'd poke at myself (as if I don't have hundreds of those already...) is that I don't think I give each character a distinctive enough voice. The old lady should probably use a few word Dannil would consider 'old fashioned' or somesuch. But, that's something I'll focus on a lot more during editing, anyway.A good way to give characters voice is to describe their expressions when they say things, not just when they're obviously being emotive, such as when they're angry, or terrified. It helps get across their general attitude and once you cross that invisible hump near the beginning/middle of the story, the reader starts to read the character in the same voice that's been readily established, and from then on it's just a matter of consistency, sticking to the character's motives and attitude as you've written, and causing their perceptions to alter (usually) as the narrative progresses.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 22, 2014, 10:42:16 pm
Post by: hops on September 22, 2014, 10:51:40 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 22, 2014, 11:01:30 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 23, 2014, 04:19:52 am
Post by: Arx on September 23, 2014, 08:34:23 am
Post by: hops on September 23, 2014, 06:10:28 pm
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp Objectcorp Edition 2014
Rules
Your story must be greater than 250 words.
Your story must be less than 10,000 words. (Translated into average paperback pages, that's ~40 pages.)
Your story must be submitted before Sunday at whenever-I-start-grading (and preferably earlier) to be considered.
Your story must respond to the prompt (in some way) in order to be considered for grading.
You cannot win twice in a row. You may be ranked first, but you can't get the benefits of 'winning'.
You can submit a story either in the thread or by pm. If you submit by PM, your story will remain anonymous.
You Can
Submit stories from a larger body of work, as long as they fall within the word limits.
Write in any kind of style you feel like. I really don't give a damn and I've read pretty much anything.
Write poetry. Bear in mind that, like Draignean, I'm not exactly a good judge of poetry either unless said prompt is scenery. As before, poetry is exempt from the minimum word count limit.
You Cannot
Write stories of graphic sexuality. Forum rules, blah blah blah. Keep Reginald's quivering member to yourself. Sex is fine, just don't make it the centerpiece of the story.
Write nonfiction. I don't care if it's a spectacular history of central Asia that explains Kazakhstan's multi-vector politics AND somehow fits the prompt. NO. Bad brain!
Submit the exact same story twice, even if it fits two prompts. You must evidence clear and substantial revisions before you can re-enter an old piece.
How this Works
Every week there will be a prompt submitted. You then have the rest of the week to work on your story. You can submit anytime between the start of the contest and the Sunday the week after the contest begins. The deadline for stories is the end of that sunday. (8-14 day window) If you post after that deadline then I won't consider your story for the rankings and you can use it another time.
That sunday, or in the week following, I will declare someone a winner and rank the rest of the stories. I will provide critique along with each piece. It may not be substantial, but I guarantee you that I will read it and point out the parts of it that I think work best and the parts that need the most work. I will avoid being mean, but I will also avoid telling you something is awesome when I think it needs work.
Then, after I declare a winner, that person declares the next two prompts. Then the process repeats. If the winner doesn't post prompts by the end of Wednesday, I will post one that night. The winner can also waive the right to make their own prompt, but I can't imagine anyone doing that. I may also veto the winner's prompt and write a new one of the occasion calls for it. Fanfic, since it you need knowledge to write in it, is a banned category for prompts. (Not, however, for stories.)
Prompts
Prompt: 1. Write a story set in the prehistoric era or equivalent in your setting.
Or
2. Write a story where the narrator is not humanoid.
Spoiler: FAQ (click to show/hide)
DEADLINE: 5 OCTOBER
Post by: Tiruin on September 23, 2014, 06:21:18 pm
/me punches Objective.Quote from: FAQQ. Will listening to you make me write better?
A. Of course not. That's stupid. I'm only sixteen and English is not even my first language (it *is* the language I am most proficient in, though).
It's the experience within the age that matters, and no matter what your first language is, what matters is the proficiency with how you use those languages!
You. Silly. :I
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 23, 2014, 09:52:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on September 24, 2014, 12:15:18 am
E: Also, the whole thing hinges on the bot being ignorant of biology and thinking his master is a bot like him. His master is human, ergo the bot is humanoid, thus the entry doesn't fit the prompt.
Post by: mastahcheese on September 24, 2014, 09:21:24 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 24, 2014, 09:36:16 am
That's pretty neat but, to clarify, it's someone else's story originally?
E: Also, the whole thing hinges on the bot being ignorant of biology and thinking his master is a bot like him. His master is human, ergo the bot is humanoid, thus the entry doesn't fit the prompt.
oh crap I read Human
and the bot is ignorant to human anatomy so he thinks humans have the same stuff as bots
and this is my friends story re written by me because i cant find the original
Post by: Parsely on September 24, 2014, 09:51:35 am
Yeah that's what I said.That's pretty neat but, to clarify, it's someone else's story originally?and the bot is ignorant to human anatomy so he thinks humans have the same stuff as bots
E: Also, the whole thing hinges on the bot being ignorant of biology and thinking his master is a bot like him. His master is human, ergo the bot is humanoid, thus the entry doesn't fit the prompt.
and this is my friends story re written by me because i cant find the original
So the story doesn't belong to you?
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on September 24, 2014, 10:00:11 am
Yeah that's what I said.That's pretty neat but, to clarify, it's someone else's story originally?and the bot is ignorant to human anatomy so he thinks humans have the same stuff as bots
E: Also, the whole thing hinges on the bot being ignorant of biology and thinking his master is a bot like him. His master is human, ergo the bot is humanoid, thus the entry doesn't fit the prompt.
and this is my friends story re written by me because i cant find the original
So the story doesn't belong to you?
The whole idea of it was written by my friend, but I cant find the original so I wrote what I remembered and wrote it in my own words
but no its mostly his stuff
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 24, 2014, 10:00:53 am
Spoiler: Not Real (click to show/hide)
I'll throw out something better later.
Post by: Arx on September 24, 2014, 02:26:11 pm
Spoiler: Unrelated (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Prompt 1: (click to show/hide)
E: 250 words? I think I confused this with something else, thought it was a hundred. Will try to do something longer tomorrow.
EE: Why, computer. Just why.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 24, 2014, 05:41:27 pm
Spoiler: Raid (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on September 24, 2014, 05:48:17 pm
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 02:41:29 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If you know Dark Souls stuff you'll probably facepalm about whatever details I screwed up, but whatever.
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 04:08:43 am
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 04:09:35 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 25, 2014, 04:16:48 am
...
I can't think of anything to fit the prompts.
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 04:19:35 am
I don't even know what it is, I just know that it's harmful to gods or somenthing.Occult damage is great against divine enemies, so yeah, gods, but a wooden or reinforced club are both some of the shittiest weapons in the game. You can reinforce any normal weapon to cause occult damage. I figured it was a reference since you can find a wooden club in Anor Londo that already has an occult reinforcement which is useful for people like me who've done SL1 playthroughs, wherein you play through the game without leveling up, and as such there are only 1 or 3 weapons that you can actually put to good use, so acquiring the occult club is useful for saving titanite for reinforcing your armors and other weps.
E: Otherwise, anyone playing through the game normally and not doing a challenge run would never use a club, occult or no.
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 04:20:56 am
Oh damn, I didn't even see that, maybe I should
Quote from: Objective
word limitswelp
No idea what most of that is, truth be told. Most of my lore of Dark Souls comes from the thread I've posted.I don't even know what it is, I just know that it's harmful to gods or somenthing.Occult damage is great against divine enemies, so yeah, gods, but a wooden or reinforced club are both some of the shittiest weapons in the game. You can reinforce any normal weapon to cause occult damage. I figured it was a reference since you can find a wooden club in Anor Londo that already has an occult reinforcement which is useful for people like me who've done SL1 playthroughs, wherein you play through the game without leveling up, and as such there are only 1 or 3 weapons that you can actually put to good use.
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 04:43:07 am
And the story sounded meta to me-
Quote
There was no hesitation in the Undead's movements, almost as though it had fought him before.-which is the only reason I bring this up.
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 04:57:30 am
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 05:06:31 am
Oh that. That was kinda tied into my theory that whenever the player respawns at a bonfire, they're actually traveling back in time to when they first rested there, so for the boss they're always fighting the player for the first time, which is why Gwyndolin's all 'wtf this guy knows exactly what I'm going to do before I do it it's like he's fought me before' while the player character's just thinking 'hah! Finally got Gwyndolin beat, didn't think he'd be so tough'.No, I understood that, I'm just commenting that I think it's funny that a player wearing "gilded armor" would be using such a sub-par weapon.
Post by: hops on September 25, 2014, 05:11:55 am
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 05:16:39 am
Mainly because I haven't touched a computer in months, just to undercut that next question.
Post by: hops on September 25, 2014, 05:17:42 am
I usually write on paper.
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 05:21:13 am
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 10:22:59 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So yeah if that had fit either of the prompts you would've been golden. :p
Post by: WillowLuman on September 25, 2014, 05:38:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 05:43:09 pm
http://www.wordcounter.net/YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER EXISTED
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 25, 2014, 06:27:02 pm
Not for the prompt:Just something I wrote up a month or two ago.Spoiler: Raid (click to show/hide)
Present tense slips into it occasionally and completely at the end: they are met by sword and spear! when it should be they were met by sword and spear!
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 25, 2014, 06:51:24 pm
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 07:43:02 pm
lern ta innernet. :Ihttp://www.wordcounter.net/YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER EXISTED
Post by: WillowLuman on September 25, 2014, 07:56:31 pm
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/hugoluman (Thief tab)
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 10:07:31 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 25, 2014, 11:11:41 pm
The overwhelming majority of word processors have that feature built in.http://www.wordcounter.net/YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER EXISTED
Post by: Arx on September 25, 2014, 11:26:49 pm
Post by: Xantalos on September 25, 2014, 11:42:56 pm
Post by: hops on September 26, 2014, 12:14:26 am
Post by: mastahcheese on September 26, 2014, 08:46:40 am
Xantalos uses shoggoths.It explains everything.
Post by: hops on September 27, 2014, 03:21:10 am
Post by: Prudent Viper on September 27, 2014, 05:51:04 pm
Something short that I wrote in an similarly short amount of time;
PROMPT 2
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I apologise if it's a bit contrived.
One of those things that's always stuck in my memory was an old David Attenborough documentary. It's most memorable moment was a battle between two large male beetles that took place on a branch, over a mate. The two insects would "joust" and do their best to lob each other off the wooden platform
I'm not sure why I remember it so well, it's something I watched many, many years ago. Anyway, I really loved doing this, as it's (definitely!) not my usual writing style and the first thing I've written that doesn't have a humanoid narrator (Great prompt, btw!). I might have cocked up the tenses a little, (again, not my usual thing!), but still, very enjoyable. I may stick around :)
Post by: mastahcheese on October 01, 2014, 04:14:24 pm
Noon day sun makes all things equal
But watch it fall as morning's sequel
Valley's drenched in creeping dark
But outside, mountains bathe in the sun's mark
They look up at the rocky light
From their valley plagued by early blight
They move from the fields to earthen hovels
Made from sun-dried bricks their fathers cobbled
Back when the sun wasn't scarce
Post by: hops on October 02, 2014, 07:38:45 pm
Spoiler: Prompt 2 (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on October 03, 2014, 08:01:45 am
Where were they then?
Flip back through the pages to earlier in the book
And let your weary eyes have a second, closer look
At the strong folk on horseback, home to no city
Burdened sacks strapped to labored backs, they know no pity
As the rode on against the blue skies and green lush
As nomads they roam, taking the time with no rush
They say to their children to be as strong as the bowstring
For they follow the herds, cross mountain and stream
'Till they met the mad man that lived in the valley.
Post by: TD1 on October 03, 2014, 10:56:34 am
Give me your poetical blood, Mastah...
I don't post on it anymore myself, because it's just me posting :(
Post by: mastahcheese on October 03, 2014, 12:09:18 pm
Dammit, Mastah. My poetry thread needs fresh blood. As in, any blood at all.So be it.
Give me your poetical blood, Mastah...
Post by: TD1 on October 03, 2014, 01:44:07 pm
This is where people will be able to actually look at the stuff.
Post by: Arx on October 04, 2014, 03:30:54 am
Post by: mastahcheese on October 04, 2014, 08:37:39 am
Of machines and beast, steam hearts and cold iron
Where thunderous applause gave way to shallow graves
They say gods gave beasts a of breath of air
But don't say I'm a liar, when these beasts breathed fire
And brought forth the inferno of devastation
That left naught, save rubble in its wake
Leaving the bitter cackle of the Gods of Battle
As they dined on burnt flesh and twisted metal
Post by: hops on October 06, 2014, 06:24:28 am
Spoiler: Dinner With Master (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Not Real (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 06, 2014, 08:14:16 am
Post by: WillowLuman on October 06, 2014, 04:14:18 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 06, 2014, 05:39:35 pm
Post by: hops on October 06, 2014, 05:48:57 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 06, 2014, 06:38:37 pm
Post by: hops on October 06, 2014, 06:46:15 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 06, 2014, 06:49:05 pm
Post by: hops on October 06, 2014, 07:53:31 pm
CONTEST RESULT & SUMMARY
First: Untitled
Prompt: Non-humanoid narrator
PrudentViper
Spoiler: Story (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Commentary (click to show/hide)
Second: Untitled
Prompt: Prehistoric setting
HugoLuman
Spoiler: Story (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Commentary (click to show/hide)
Third: Not Real
Prompt: Non-humanoid narrator
GiglameshDespair
Spoiler: Story (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Commentary (click to show/hide)
Fourth: Dinner with Master
Prompt: Non-humanoid narrator
Cryxis, Prince of Doom
Spoiler: Story (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Comment (click to show/hide)
Untitled
Prompt: Prehistoric setting
(Disqualified due to being too short.)
Arx
Spoiler: Story (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Commentary (click to show/hide)
Alpha
Prompt: Non-humanoid narrator, and prehistoric setting
(Disqualified for fairness because it was written by the judge.)
Objective
Spoiler: Story (click to show/hide)
I felt a bit biased choosing PrudentViper's story as the first since I'm a bit of a romantic, but hey, I'm a single person, not an unbiased hivemind. vov
PrudentViper will be choosing the next two prompts. I'll be waiting until the end of Wednesday.
I'll also have to change the date rules because as you can see I'm not good at keeping on schedule and I felt it would be unfair to reduce the window of time allowed to write.
Post by: Fniff on October 06, 2014, 08:14:15 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 06, 2014, 08:16:05 pm
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 06, 2014, 09:21:11 pm
Well, I'm just tickled pink, I am. I'm glad you liked it.
I agree with your points about the reveal. I wasn't very happy with it myself. The story itself definitely has a lot of errors, (I'm never sure if I use too many commas, or too few), pretty sure I muddled my tenses.
But yeah, thank you very much for the criticism. I'll think up some prompts ASAP.
Post by: WillowLuman on October 06, 2014, 09:28:29 pm
I think I'll type up more anyhow, even though the contest is over.
Post by: mastahcheese on October 07, 2014, 12:37:06 pm
Why do the leaves fall at night
When you can't see them
Their secret splendor
But the birds nest there no more
They cut down the tree
Post by: WillowLuman on October 07, 2014, 12:41:27 pm
Answer me SenseiI don't know why, but that last line just gets me.
Why do the leaves fall at night
When you can't see them
Their secret splendor
But the birds nest there no more
They cut down the tree
Post by: TD1 on October 07, 2014, 01:26:05 pm
Ha! I'm insensitively showing off!
Post by: mastahcheese on October 07, 2014, 02:05:44 pm
I don't know why, but that last line just gets me.At work, there was a particular tree that the crows really liked to perch in, so I liked to watch them on my break, but today I noticed they cut it down.
It made me very sad, and it was unexpected.
Post by: hops on October 07, 2014, 05:32:39 pm
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp Objectcorp Edition 2014
Rules
Your story must be greater than 250 words.
Your story must be less than 10,000 words. (Translated into average paperback pages, that's ~40 pages.)
Your story must be submitted before the deadline to be considered.
Your story must respond to the prompt (in some way) in order to be considered for grading.
You cannot win twice in a row. You may be ranked first, but you can't get the benefits of 'winning'.
You can submit a story either in the thread or by pm. If you submit by PM, your story will remain anonymous.
You Can
Submit stories from a larger body of work, as long as they fall within the word limits.
Write in any kind of style you feel like. I really don't give a damn and I've read pretty much anything.
Write poetry. Bear in mind that, like Draignean, I'm not exactly a good judge of poetry either unless said prompt is scenery. As before, poetry is exempt from the minimum word count limit.
You Cannot
Write stories of graphic sexuality. Forum rules, blah blah blah. Keep Reginald's quivering member to yourself. Sex is fine, just don't make it the centerpiece of the story.
Write nonfiction. I don't care if it's a spectacular history of central Asia that explains Kazakhstan's multi-vector politics AND somehow fits the prompt. NO. Bad brain!
Submit the exact same story twice, even if it fits two prompts. You must evidence clear and substantial revisions before you can re-enter an old piece.
How this Works
Every week there will be a prompt submitted. You then have the rest of the week to work on your story. You can submit anytime between the start of the contest and the deadline. The deadline for stories is approximately a week after the contest is started. If you post after that deadline then I won't consider your story for the rankings and you can use it another time.
At the deadline, or in the week following, I will declare someone a winner and rank the rest of the stories. I will provide critique along with each piece. It may not be substantial, but I guarantee you that I will read it and point out the parts of it that I think work best and the parts that need the most work. I will avoid being mean, but I will also avoid telling you something is awesome when I think it needs work.
Then, after I declare a winner, that person declares the next two prompts. Then the process repeats. If the winner doesn't post prompts by the end of Wednesday, I will post one that night. The winner can also waive the right to make their own prompt, but I can't imagine anyone doing that. I may also veto the winner's prompt and write a new one of the occasion calls for it. Fanfic, since it you need knowledge to write in it, is a banned category for prompts. (Not, however, for stories.)
Prompts
Prompt: 1. The narrator has lost something. What that something is, is up to you.
Or
2.A (blank) walks into a bar...
Spoiler: FAQ (click to show/hide)
DEADLINE: 16 OCTOBER
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 07, 2014, 05:40:12 pm
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 07, 2014, 06:15:09 pm
Hey the dead line is a day after my birth dayHappy future birthday!
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 07, 2014, 07:15:28 pm
Spoiler: Complex (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cthulhu on October 07, 2014, 10:27:02 pm
A kid gets a lesson in entrepreneurship from his mom. She fronts him some money to buy cookie dough and cooks it for him and he sells it and after he pays his mom back he gets to keep the profit. Smart kid realizes that if he cycles the money back into his little business he can make even more profit next time.
All hell breaks loose.
Soon he's making too many cookies for his mom to bake so he starts hiring on neighborhood kids. His business continues to expand. Soon everyone in town is buying his cookies and before long his production capacity expands beyond his market's ability to consume.
He starts creating new brands to break up the market and increase consumption. Cookies for moms, cookies for dads, cookies for gamers, dog cookies, cat cookies, cookies for people who think they're smart but actually aren't (in a children's book this page would have an illustration of me eating a cookie).
As his business expands completely out of control before long everyone in town is working for him in some capacity, and when his cookie production is too efficient he starts cycling employees into administrative roles. When there aren't enough jobs he invents new ones. Everyone must participate.
He expands his cookie business into other towns.
Everyone in the world is either baking cookies, selling cookies, overseeing the production or sale of cookies, overseeing the oversight of cookie production and sale, marketing cookies, overseeing etc etc etc. When they get their paychecks they spend them on cookies. The totality of human existence on Earth is the production and consumption of cookies.
Post by: WillowLuman on October 08, 2014, 01:08:57 am
Post by: IronTomato on October 08, 2014, 03:16:08 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 08, 2014, 04:39:49 pm
I would buy that book.
Then I would buy cookies.
Post by: TD1 on October 08, 2014, 05:27:39 pm
Also, I wrote this for a Minecaft server cause why the hell not? Just something random, but I did feel like the narrator, namely me, lost something in the form of the diamond armour I'd had from the start of the game. Anyway, strange Minecraft poetry ahoy!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 08, 2014, 09:11:55 pm
Spoiler: Legend of the Star King's Revenge (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 08, 2014, 09:16:44 pm
I have already bought cookies. I preempt you all.Dwarfy. I love you.
Also, I wrote this for a Minecaft server cause why the hell not? Just something random, but I did feel like the narrator, namely me, lost something in the form of the diamond armour I'd had from the start of the game. Anyway, strange Minecraft poetry ahoy!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: WillowLuman on October 09, 2014, 12:25:53 am
I've been mulling over an idea lately, not sure what format it would work best in. Basically, there's some giant entity in outer space headed towards earth, and it sends humanity the message "I love you." As it gets closer, it says more, including that it wants to absorb the human race so they can be together forever, so Earth has to try to avoid love-based armageddon somehow.
Post by: Fniff on October 09, 2014, 08:11:31 am
I've been mulling over an idea lately, not sure what format it would work best in. Basically, there's some giant entity in outer space headed towards earth, and it sends humanity the message "I love you." As it gets closer, it says more, including that it wants to absorb the human race so they can be together forever, so Earth has to try to avoid love-based armageddon somehow.What if the solution was to break it's heart so that it retreats and everyone celebrates, but the last paragraph (or so) indicate it may do something even it considers stupid, like a lot of spurned lovers at least consider?
Post by: TD1 on October 09, 2014, 12:43:06 pm
Or somesuch. Good idea, even if it does remind me of a Futurama episode :P
Post by: WillowLuman on October 09, 2014, 12:47:48 pm
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 09, 2014, 12:58:08 pm
A bit of biopunk. For the first prompt, unless it's not quite close enough to count.Spoiler: Complex (click to show/hide)
**** me, Giglamesh. That is the Cat's Pajamas, it is.
Post by: Arx on October 09, 2014, 01:17:22 pm
Totally unrelated side-note: I'm almost certain there's a forumite called Reckless Adder kicking around somewhere.
Post by: TD1 on October 09, 2014, 01:18:10 pm
Totally unrelated side-note: I'm almost certain there's a forumite called Reckless Adder kicking around somewhere....
You two should meet up.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 09, 2014, 01:19:08 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 09, 2014, 05:52:17 pm
What about having it come in love, and then find only hatred in human hearts? Turning away in disgust, it leaves our planet.
Or somesuch. Good idea, even if it does remind me of a Futurama episode :P
Beast with a billion backs?
Post by: TD1 on October 10, 2014, 10:55:49 am
Basically, many tentacles making weird love to each person. Then, they go live on the tentacle-owner in another universe. Fry is the High-priest or somesuch
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 10, 2014, 11:05:13 am
Dunno the name of it.yep thats the one
Basically, many tentacles making weird love to each person. Then, they go live on the tentacle-owner in another universe. Fry is the High-priest or somesuch
Post by: Angle on October 10, 2014, 11:58:55 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 10, 2014, 12:14:03 pm
A litle something I'd posted in the random things thread.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That's really intriguing. Forgive my ignorance, but is it inspired by something? Or your own invented universe?
Post by: Angle on October 10, 2014, 12:21:20 pm
Post by: TD1 on October 10, 2014, 01:32:49 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 11, 2014, 09:32:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on October 11, 2014, 09:36:36 am
Urg.
Nice story.
Post by: WillowLuman on October 11, 2014, 11:00:31 am
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 11, 2014, 11:41:54 am
So many sad stories lately. Good, but sad.I'm assuming a lot of us are introverts. Therefore we're not so comfortable writing about "happy" subjects :)
:/Urg? What?
Urg.
Nice story.
I liked your story. It's actually really refreshing to see a "backstabber" feel remorse for committing regicide. Normally in that circumstance, one party is "evil" and one is good.
I really like that, Giglamesh. Missed it the first time around, really glad Prudent Viper quoted it.
Totally unrelated side-note: I'm almost certain there's a forumite called Reckless Adder kicking around somewhere.
I just caught that...
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 11, 2014, 11:43:31 am
So many sad stories lately. Good, but sad.Hey, mine's not sad!
Post by: Arx on October 11, 2014, 11:52:59 am
I think Dwarfy's urg would be either because the nature of your story is slightly squicky, or because it's a depressing story.
And it's actually ImpulsiveAdder, but I was close.
Post by: TD1 on October 11, 2014, 11:53:55 am
Reminded me of a story in which the person gets cut up surgically bit by bit, made into nothing. They start with his legs, and he can feel the tension as they're taken off, bit by bit.
But yea, sad. The "urg" was meant to show that it was sad :P
Ninja'd by Arx.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 11, 2014, 12:41:12 pm
/me hugs Worldmaster for making a story about him.So many sad stories lately. Good, but sad.Hey, mine's not sad!
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 11, 2014, 04:16:11 pm
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 11, 2014, 04:36:40 pm
Well, the prompt was about losing something, and the most interesting losses are generally sad.
So it's my fault. Well, all the more reason to win, so you can pick a happier one! :)
And it's actually ImpulsiveAdder, but I was close.I'll have to send him a pm. We virtual snakes need to stick together.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 11, 2014, 11:14:49 pm
Post by: TD1 on October 12, 2014, 05:57:28 am
Post by: Angle on October 12, 2014, 11:57:02 am
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 12, 2014, 12:03:44 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 12, 2014, 08:01:09 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 12, 2014, 08:19:20 pm
Hmmm
Mmmmhhhmmmmm
Hmmmmmm
I don't know
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 12, 2014, 08:20:29 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 12, 2014, 08:21:26 pm
Well looks like you guys may get great river spam now
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 13, 2014, 02:25:08 am
Prudent viperI love that 9 avatarIt's an excellent film. Clearly, you are a man of impeccable taste.
Post by: Tiruin on October 13, 2014, 02:39:59 am
NINE :))Prudent viperI love that 9 avatarIt's an excellent film. Clearly, you are a man of impeccable taste.
You have an excellent avatar.
Now make an excellent prompt ;3
Seriously, thanks is less than enough. I loved all dem stories back there
Post by: hops on October 13, 2014, 03:35:15 am
I should abandon my double prompts gimmick, but then again I like doing mad libs.
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 13, 2014, 07:58:32 am
*tips hat.NINE :))Prudent viperI love that 9 avatarIt's an excellent film. Clearly, you are a man of impeccable taste.
You have an excellent avatar.
Now make an excellent prompt ;3
Seriously, thanks is less than enough. I loved all dem stories back there
Oh jeez, the deadline's coming up already and I myself haven't written anything.
I should abandon my double prompts gimmick, but then again I like doing mad libs.
I think I may have made it a trifle difficult for you there. The two prompts are somewhat difficult to link together.
Post by: hops on October 14, 2014, 04:12:58 am
Post by: Arx on October 14, 2014, 09:12:20 am
<Dramatic sound effect of some kind>
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 14, 2014, 02:27:55 pm
not doing anything else on bay12 but this until i do something
here i go
this is probably going to be absolute crap
A Story of Adventure
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ya that was pretty bad
Post by: hops on October 14, 2014, 02:29:05 pm
Post by: Arx on October 14, 2014, 03:13:53 pm
If not, no worries. I haven't tried quite as hard as I should have to make time for writing.
Post by: hops on October 14, 2014, 11:59:35 pm
Post by: Arx on October 15, 2014, 05:29:10 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 15, 2014, 06:36:34 am
A Story of AdventureSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Check your punctuation, you're missing a lot.
The people who heard sheep are called shepherds.
'Travelled' is spelt incorrectly.
'Canine unit for our police' feels anachronistic.
Why are your speech marks ( " ") so small, anyway?
The actual locations are not described to any great extent. Neither is the time or weather. The characters also have a very barebones description. Basically, everything does.
Post by: Arx on October 15, 2014, 01:40:06 pm
Spoiler: Prompts 1&2 (click to show/hide)
Using the second prompt with the first prompt added a bit more constraint, which made writing this much easier. Didn't mean to steal anyone's shtick.
Not really happy with much of how this turned out, but writing something terrible is much better than not writing.
Post by: hops on October 15, 2014, 11:59:52 pm
Stupid depression...
Post by: WillowLuman on October 16, 2014, 12:16:17 am
Post by: hops on October 16, 2014, 12:28:21 am
Post by: Tiruin on October 16, 2014, 12:48:08 am
That's cliche and nobody cares about that.I think Hugo meant writing longer than a sentence about showing it. :P
But seriously--what is cliche is on how it is done and not that the theme is being used.
And people still care about it. Generalizing isn't a good thing when talking about cliches. :V
Post by: hops on October 16, 2014, 04:00:04 am
Post by: Fniff on October 17, 2014, 11:47:38 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 17, 2014, 11:48:39 am
Post by: Fniff on October 17, 2014, 11:50:14 am
Post by: WillowLuman on October 17, 2014, 11:57:03 am
Post by: Fniff on October 17, 2014, 11:58:10 am
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 17, 2014, 12:06:04 pm
Post by: Cthulhu on October 17, 2014, 07:42:39 pm
Well that's not true, I have ideas.
The two main ideas in my head are:
The first human being to develop higher awareness drifts through the outskirts of his "community" of nonsapient fellow hominids, feeling estranged not just from them but from the natural world and even himself, with no books or companions or even language to help him process his nascent thoughts. I guess sort of a meditation on consciousness and suffering, unlike his fellows he's fully aware of his mortality and terrified of it, he's afraid to sleep because he doesn't know what happens to his consciousness in the gap. He sees ghosts and vaguely suspects that the events of his life are being orchestrated by someone or something he can't see. At some point he gets an infection and in the fever he's convinced that he's being punished for something he did and throws his food into the night, trying to appease whatever is doing this to him.
He has no language so he can't process things symbolically. He has the same fears and ideas we do but he has no way of dealing with them, just constantly beset by vague and incomprehensible terrors.
----
The other one I think would work best in a drama format to ensure the reader is just as in the dark about what's going on as the main character. I got this idea when a friend said the CDC should quarantine anybody suspected of ebola in a closed-off hotel until they're confirmed clean. A man wakes up in a hotel with only a vague idea of why he's there and finds that he can't leave (I imagine the opening scene going something like: Dude walks into the lobby and asks to check out, is told he still has X more days reserved and can't check out, and when he exits stage left to leave he enters stage right and asks the same questions as if he doesn't remember what just happened.)
The story continues in that kind of vein, the guy trying to get out of the hotel, the plot becomes increasingly disturbing and disorienting and it's not clear what's real and what's the guy's imagination (This part sounds kind of silly to me so I'll throw it out: Near the end he kills the receptionist and they turn out to be a robot, but at some point in the past he had some very lucid but bizarre conversation with the receptionist that no robot could've made. You don't know if the conversation was in his imagination or if the robot scene is his imagination or neither or both). Sequences repeat themselves, growing more bizarre and dreamlike each time, and he doesn't seem to remember that he's asked the receptionist to leave many times before.
Eventually he escapes to find the world in ruins. The CDC, now long defunct, was using the hotel as a quarantine for some unknown brain-destroying plague and left its occupants to rot as the disease spread out of control. He's been wandering the hotel for months or years as his memory fails him and he grows increasingly deranged.
This one's more surreal sort of Kafka-esque horror
Post by: inEQUALITY on October 18, 2014, 07:09:09 pm
I think I'm going to make a NaNoWriMo thread. Anyone interested?
Still planning on throwing that up?
I personally love NaNoWriMo. I've been writing ~2k daily on short fiction for a little while already thanks to the discipline I picked up from last year's NaNo. I suppose I'll be switching over to a novel again for November. I have a few short fics that I can give the second draft treatment midway through the month, so at least my short fiction production won't come to a total standstill or drain me too much to write for NaNo.
Post by: Fniff on October 18, 2014, 07:16:27 pm
I might be a little distracted but I'll definitely make an OP tomorrow. This'll be my first at NaNo.I think I'm going to make a NaNoWriMo thread. Anyone interested?
Still planning on throwing that up?
I personally love NaNoWriMo. I've been writing ~2k daily on short fiction for a little while already thanks to the discipline I picked up from last year's NaNo. I suppose I'll be switching over to a novel again for November. I have a few short fics that I can give the second draft treatment midway through the month, so at least my short fiction production won't come to a total standstill or drain me too much to write for NaNo.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 18, 2014, 07:17:45 pm
Post by: inEQUALITY on October 18, 2014, 07:24:38 pm
I might be a little distracted but I'll definitely make an OP tomorrow. This'll be my first at NaNo.
If you don't find the time, I'll be glad to do it. And good luck! It's always great fun! It's my fourth year running; hopefully my second win. :D
Post by: Arx on October 19, 2014, 12:31:35 am
So did the writing prompt things stop or can someone pick that back up?
Object just needs to review this round's submissions, and then they'll get new prompts from the victor and put them up.
Post by: hops on October 19, 2014, 02:32:10 am
Uhhh, reviews may be a bit delayed.
And since I'm planning not to read your writing until you clean up on your paragraphs anyways, Cryxis, now would be a good time for you to do that.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 19, 2014, 10:40:56 am
Mine wasn't in either of the prompts though
I was just forcing myself to write
And it was crap at that .-.
Post by: Fniff on October 19, 2014, 12:45:31 pm
Post by: hops on October 20, 2014, 02:43:05 am
SCHOOL IS TERRIBLE
Post by: Arx on October 20, 2014, 01:05:17 pm
/me flops
SCHOOL IS TERRIBLE
AMEN BROTHER/SISTER.
And random poetry because why not. Probably mediocre.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on October 21, 2014, 12:35:55 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 23, 2014, 09:35:22 pm
If not judging the, what was it, one entry? For the last prompts can we start fresh with two new ones?
Post by: hops on October 23, 2014, 09:42:09 pm
If not, Arx will be choosing the two prompts.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 23, 2014, 09:43:36 pm
Post by: Arx on October 24, 2014, 07:33:12 am
Post by: TD1 on October 24, 2014, 08:07:09 am
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 24, 2014, 03:36:55 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 24, 2014, 03:39:05 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 24, 2014, 03:42:50 pm
It was...
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 24, 2014, 03:44:56 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 24, 2014, 04:18:17 pm
...i love you
It was...
Post by: TD1 on October 24, 2014, 04:34:46 pm
Was talking a of the other comments .-.
If you're talking about my story and the poem?
...
It was...
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 24, 2014, 06:10:26 pm
Just forget I ever said anything
Sorry
Post by: bucket on October 26, 2014, 12:37:41 am
Suppose your story has a Chosen One ending. It can be tough riding that line between a complete left-field reveal, and telegraphing it from the beginning. Do you have a technique for keeping it interesting? Subversions? Lampshading?
Post by: hops on October 26, 2014, 03:43:34 am
I'm still too tired to grade anything, but have prompts anyways. These aren't official.
1. The narrator has impaired senses.
2. A story without any sentient entity.
3. A story where a universe is created.
Post by: TD1 on October 26, 2014, 06:23:18 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 26, 2014, 09:30:05 am
Um.When you say impaired do you mean like hard of hearing or completely deaf
I'm still too tired to grade anything, but have prompts anyways. These aren't official.
1. The narrator has impaired senses.
2. A story without any sentient entity.
3. A story where a universe is created.
Partially blind or entirely blind
Weak sense of smell or no sense of smell at all?
Post by: Arx on October 26, 2014, 11:44:58 am
Post by: Cthulufaic on October 26, 2014, 11:52:23 am
:P
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 27, 2014, 12:53:52 pm
1. The narrator has impaired senses.Huh. My novel is on that very subject.
Post by: TD1 on October 27, 2014, 12:58:12 pm
Post by: hops on October 27, 2014, 02:10:39 pm
Post by: TD1 on October 28, 2014, 03:27:53 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Note: I've given the poetry thread up for dead at this point, so I'll just post here the odd time.
Post by: Angle on October 28, 2014, 03:46:06 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 29, 2014, 06:46:26 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 29, 2014, 10:53:31 pm
Post by: hops on October 29, 2014, 10:55:36 pm
/me pokes ObjectiveJNFAJLKAWNFKAWRPAWIRPAMWKRAWRA;RASF'LK
Post by: TD1 on October 30, 2014, 07:47:07 am
/me pokes Objective
Post by: Cthulhu on October 30, 2014, 09:44:30 am
Would this be a place to brain storm my idea for a short story or should I do that somewhere else?
I'm doing it. Have to write eight pages (double spaced) by Friday at 5. Right now I'm writing A Cancer Story. Since it's a short fiction writing class obviously everything we read and write is phoned in realistic fiction trash and the most phoned in bullshit you can possibly write in realistic fiction is of course cancer.
So I'm actually writing a horror story about a guy who has cancer and it turns out the doctors at the clinic worship cancer as a superior form of life. He meets a girl and he's trying to save her and her unborn baby from the doctors but it turns out she's on their side and her baby is the teratoma messiah.
I dunno if it'll be any good or even make sense but "Is this good? Does this even make sense?" is basically how I roll in this class and it's served me very well so far. Taking risks and challenging myself and all that.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 30, 2014, 10:15:25 am
Would this be a place to brain storm my idea for a short story or should I do that somewhere else?
snip
oh ok
I don't know what or how to write up my story but i've got a basic idea of what i want it to be
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 30, 2014, 10:43:40 am
This also assumes the military's soldiers themselves are ok with just killing a bunch of civvies for no valid reason. Even today, soldiers are taught to not go around committing war crimes.
How rubbish are the military at killing a bunch of kids? You'd think they'd just lock down the spaceport against the presumably lightly/unarmed non-chipped. Lets look at Auschwitz. 1.1 million people were put in there, 144 escaped. Thats ~0.01%. So with future tech to help the military, hundreds of people escaping seems a little off.
Why are the non-augments fighting to shut down augments totally? Presumably they have some kind of positive effect, or people wouldn't have them in the first place. What does this implant actually do?
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on October 30, 2014, 10:51:57 am
Seems kind of silly. Killing potential customers... a much more 'sensible' approach would be to enforce chipping by law, then having those who don't get chipped prosecuted by law. Boom. More revenue, less pointless evil for evil's sake. 30% is a huge quantity of the population. Taking out that much of the workforce would crash the economy and basically make everything worse for everyone, chipped and non.
This also assumes the military's soldiers themselves are ok with just killing a bunch of civvies for no valid reason. Even today, soldiers are taught to not go around committing war crimes.
How rubbish are the military at killing a bunch of kids? You'd think they'd just lock down the spaceport against the presumably lightly/unarmed non-chipped. Lets look at Auschwitz. 1.1 million people were put in there, 144 escaped. Thats ~0.01%. So with future tech to help the military, hundreds of people escaping seems a little off.
Why are the non-augments fighting to shut down augments totally? Presumably they have some kind of positive effect, or people wouldn't have them in the first place. What does this implant actually do?
ya i think making a mandatory thing would help the story make sense
im thinking of having there be two other chipping companies but have them be extremely small as to explain why the military just does whatever it is told (they are basicaly brainwashed by their chips)
and they aren't kids nor are they being starved to death or worked to death. They are highly trained (at this point) adults who are smart enough to compete with augmented peeps. that and since its a whole planet its not exactly the easiest thing to keep hundreds of people from getting away with a ship that is basicaly just made to fly with no armaments or anything
as for the work force your looking at 30% of a population in the trillions+ they have the ability to live without it, probably no worse than a really bad pandemic. That and you don't really need that much work force since the majority of stuff is automated anyhow
the non augmented aren't trying to shut down augments purposfully but to save themselves they have to take down the company to stop the genocide
the implants help boost your brain function and finely tune your motor skills
implanted people are able to have a larger short term-long term memory, greater physical ability, and (the main purpose of the chip) high intelligence
though this story is just an idea
Post by: Cthulhu on October 30, 2014, 11:19:47 am
Post by: hops on November 08, 2014, 04:34:16 am
CONTEST RESULT & SUMMARY
First Place: Complex by GiglameshDespair
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Second Place: Untitled by Arx
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Third Place: Legend of the Star King Revenge by Worldmaster27
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
GiglameshDespair will be choosing the two themes.
Post by: TD1 on November 08, 2014, 08:13:58 am
Well done, Gig.
As an aside, I found this in my word document, where I had forgotten it.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 08, 2014, 09:21:29 am
'Complex' was a working name that never got replaced.
Anyway, Prompts:
1) In defeat, victory is obtained.
2) Taking on the role of a protector
Post by: mastahcheese on November 08, 2014, 09:32:55 am
I'd actually work on something for that but my laptop is borked again and I don't know how to fix it. ;_;
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on November 08, 2014, 05:09:44 pm
That sounds like you could make something that fits both prompts and is totally awesome.
I'd actually work on something for that but my laptop is borked again and I don't know how to fix it. ;_;
Who?
Post by: TD1 on November 08, 2014, 05:16:57 pm
He's talking about the prompts, not an individual story. He's suggesting that the prompts could be merged to make one story that would be good.That sounds like you could make something that fits both prompts and is totally awesome.
I'd actually work on something for that but my laptop is borked again and I don't know how to fix it. ;_;
Who?
And edit, cause I just wrote it. Nothing to do with any prompt.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on November 09, 2014, 11:46:49 pm
Short-ish Fiction Contest: Draigcorp Objectcorp Edition 2014
Rules
Your story must be greater than 250 words.
Your story must be less than 10,000 words. (Translated into average paperback pages, that's ~40 pages.)
Your story must be submitted before the deadline to be considered.
Your story must respond to the prompt (in some way) in order to be considered for grading.
You cannot win twice in a row. You may be ranked first, but you can't get the benefits of 'winning'.
You can submit a story either in the thread or by pm. If you submit by PM, your story will remain anonymous.
You Can
Submit stories from a larger body of work, as long as they fall within the word limits.
Write in any kind of style you feel like. I really don't give a damn and I've read pretty much anything.
Write poetry. Bear in mind that, like Draignean, I'm not exactly a good judge of poetry either unless said prompt is scenery. As before, poetry is exempt from the minimum word count limit.
You Cannot
Write stories of graphic sexuality. Forum rules, blah blah blah. Keep Reginald's quivering member to yourself. Sex is fine, just don't make it the centerpiece of the story.
Write nonfiction. I don't care if it's a spectacular history of central Asia that explains Kazakhstan's multi-vector politics AND somehow fits the prompt. NO. Bad brain!
Submit the exact same story twice, even if it fits two prompts. You must evidence clear and substantial revisions before you can re-enter an old piece.
How this Works
Every week there will be a prompt submitted. You then have the rest of the week to work on your story. You can submit anytime between the start of the contest and the deadline. The deadline for stories is approximately a week after the contest is started. If you post after that deadline then I won't consider your story for the rankings and you can use it another time.
At the deadline, or in the week following, I will declare someone a winner and rank the rest of the stories. I will provide critique along with each piece. It may not be substantial, but I guarantee you that I will read it and point out the parts of it that I think work best and the parts that need the most work. I will avoid being mean, but I will also avoid telling you something is awesome when I think it needs work.
Then, after I declare a winner, that person declares the next two prompts. Then the process repeats. If the winner doesn't post prompts by the end of Wednesday, I will post one that night. The winner can also waive the right to make their own prompt, but I can't imagine anyone doing that. I may also veto the winner's prompt and write a new one of the occasion calls for it. Fanfic, since it you need knowledge to write in it, is a banned category for prompts. (Not, however, for stories.)
Prompts
Prompt: 1. In defeat, victory is obtained.
Or
2. Taking on the role of a protector.
Spoiler: FAQ (click to show/hide)
DEADLINE: 18 NOVEMBER
Post by: mastahcheese on November 15, 2014, 12:18:18 pm
His heart hung low, like a flower it opens
Though his soul drifts away, just ashes, burning
As he sits in the wake of his last mistake
His mind high on the time that he found his way
But the path was lies, false promise of comprise
Send straight through the core of his own design
He sighs cause he left himself on the line,
Left his life to resign to watch passing time
Drift away, through the empty skies
Though his soul drifts away, just ashes, burning
As he sits in the wake of his last mistake
His mind high on the time that he found his way
But the path was lies, false promise of comprise
Send straight through the core of his own design
He sighs cause he left himself on the line,
Left his life to resign to watch passing time
Drift away, through the empty skies
And when the clock strikes
the wake of an empty lie
the wake of an empty lie
Show's over, no time for order
They'll find their comfort
Hiding from them, just out of sight
Hiding from them, just out of sight
Thinks he's winning from the web of lies he's spinning
Shrinking the wind, petals from blossoms
Stood up, and shook off, and left for dead
Finds life at the foot of the thing he dreads
But is this for real, or just in his head
Pressing the blade down until he bled
Crying in rage, 'till his eyes went red
And he went out to see that the beast was fed
Stood up, and shook off, and left for dead
Finds life at the foot of the thing he dreads
But is this for real, or just in his head
Pressing the blade down until he bled
Crying in rage, 'till his eyes went red
And he went out to see that the beast was fed
And when the knife strikes
The parts of a broken heart
The parts of a broken heart
Nothing left, but rust and gore
They'll find their respite
Hiding from them, miles apart
Hiding from them, miles apart
Running from the pain, of the souls of those he's slain
Post by: Arx on November 19, 2014, 02:19:14 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 19, 2014, 02:36:14 pm
Post by: TD1 on November 19, 2014, 02:40:53 pm
Might do something after I get all this cleared.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on November 20, 2014, 10:25:25 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 20, 2014, 11:40:01 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 27, 2014, 09:17:57 pm
Post by: Empiricist on November 28, 2014, 06:54:11 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on November 29, 2014, 06:27:16 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: sjm9876 on November 30, 2014, 03:10:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
In addition to pure literary criticism, I'd also appreciate it if people could tell me how clearly it gets setting info across, as I know I can be quite opaque at times.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on December 01, 2014, 08:44:00 am
Completely unprompt related, but I was struck by the urge to write something that wasn't work, so decided to write up an intro for a forum game that may be run after xmas. No massive spoilers, more a setting thing, just for the concern of anyone who might be interested :PSpoiler (click to show/hide)
In addition to pure literary criticism, I'd also appreciate it if people could tell me how clearly it gets setting info across, as I know I can be quite opaque at times.
I suck at writing so I can give little advice
I'll say this, I loved reading that story. The different views and I thought it was well written. I could even immagine most of it in my head as I read.
Bravo, well done
Post by: Arx on December 01, 2014, 10:42:41 am
Otherwise, it's good.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 01, 2014, 07:28:42 pm
Post by: Fniff on December 03, 2014, 03:03:25 pm
Spoiler: The Rifle from the Tower (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheCritsyBear on December 03, 2014, 04:14:15 pm
Post by: TD1 on December 03, 2014, 04:29:33 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I don't think "Quiet was the scene" fits in this story, it sounds slightly like it's...a play? I don't know, but it felt different when I was reading it.
Also, I'm slightly confused by your change in tense...was it intentional?
Post by: Fniff on December 03, 2014, 04:41:23 pm
Fniff, your story was brilliant. I had only intended to read a paragraph or two, but your way of writing had me hooked. Either that can be exactly what you wanted to hear or it could frustrate you as it doesn't facilitate genuine constructive criticism.That's extremely nice of you, thanks. The writing style in that was like a fairy tale. Or at least, it tried to be like one. A dry and matter-of-fact description of a terrible and unusual event.
As to your story, I would say it's intriguing. However, your adverbs could use work. I can't imagine someone "lovingly connecting a wire", for instance. Perhaps you should engage in the exercise of not using adverbs at all. I haven't engaged in it myself, but it can clean the writing up if it's a little cluttered.
Post by: TheCritsyBear on December 03, 2014, 04:57:54 pm
Post by: TD1 on December 03, 2014, 05:03:32 pm
Also, no need for a better phrase, just change the current one slightly.
"The room was quiet, deathly so." etc.
I have to say though, my thought on the "Quiet was the scene" is just an opinion. If you think it works, it may well do.
Post by: TheCritsyBear on December 03, 2014, 05:11:14 pm
Post by: Arx on December 04, 2014, 03:57:22 am
A humble but open room, far withdrawn from the vast coldness of space. Even still, little sound was heard amongst the artificial ambiance that its equipment created, as the room was scarcely occupied by a living soul.
This is really confusingly phrased now. "Humble but open" implies that they are mutually exclusive, but intuitively they're not. Either more detail or less is needed, I think.
The second sentence is also quite convoluted - "Even still" seems a little redundant to me, and "the artificial ambiance" is very vague. Is it a gentle background hum, everything being bathed in a coloured light, or what?
"scarcely occupied by a living soul" implies, to me, not that there are few living people in the room but that the people in the room are barely alive. That could just be me, though.
That's all a varying degree of opinion. I am not everyone, etc.
As for posting content without criticising, that's fine, as is responding to criticism. The main rule of the thread seems to be "be reasonable and constructive", so as long as you're being civil, being reasonable, and furthering someone's writing skill (your own included) it's all good.
Post by: TheCritsyBear on December 04, 2014, 04:15:08 am
Post by: hops on December 06, 2014, 05:45:07 am
Spoiler: You're Interesting (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on December 06, 2014, 01:53:18 pm
Just fix up the grammar ("Does your friends" and a couple of others) and put the dialogue on new lines, so it's technically perfect and it'll be excellent.
Post by: hops on December 06, 2014, 08:12:07 pm
I actually really liked it. Surreal!I already formatted it, but reddit broke it.
Just fix up the grammar ("Does your friends" and a couple of others) and put the dialogue on new lines, so it's technically perfect and it'll be excellent.
Post by: Empiricist on December 09, 2014, 05:32:51 pm
Spoiler: A Scarlet Cloak (click to show/hide)
Was I being too vague in it about certain details and what exactly the entities involved are?
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on December 13, 2014, 07:16:16 pm
In the hobbit it mentions one of bilbo's ancestors clubbing a goblins head off down a rabit hole
What if when alive went down chasing the rabit she found a goblin head rolling out a seperate hole and followed the blood trail back up into the LOTR universe
Post by: Cheesecake on December 13, 2014, 07:29:11 pm
In terms of writing, I really liked the use of adjectives and adverbs, and the way they are combined to make an image is great in my opinion. The grammar is good as well, as I can see. The only thing about it is that I didn't understand what was happening. I assume that there was a nuclear strike or something like that. There was also the thing about the girl in the beginning wearing the too-tight cloak, who disappears and is replaced with Dmitri. I'm not sure if that was intentional, like they are two different beings, or you got confused with the he and she.
I'm sorry it isn't as long as the others. Hopefully someone else can add more critique for you.
Spoiler: Dragon Slayer (click to show/hide)
It was far longer than I intended, but I couldn't help myself. What do you guys think of it?
Post by: Empiricist on December 13, 2014, 11:07:21 pm
As for my story, with the person in the beginning, it was intentional but I guess poorly executed. The first section was supposed to be from the Blackbird's point of view, where it was reliving the memories of the souls that it was made of, in that case one of the soldiers who massacred the city using solar and radiation spells, and one of the civilians who was killed. The inconsistencies (it thought it was midnight when Dimitri's point of view noted it was midday, it thought it was human whilst Dimitri just saw two Blackbirds, it thought it was burning alive but Dimitri noted that it was impervious to the radiation, the sudden jump in perspective and gender) were meant to help indicate its insanity. I'll definitely have to work on something similar again and hopefully make it less confusing.
Post by: Knit tie on December 14, 2014, 01:32:56 pm
Post by: Arx on December 14, 2014, 01:36:23 pm
Other denizens?
Post by: Knit tie on December 15, 2014, 01:26:24 am
Trivia1
A.Simmons: Sehereti - the name of these brutal warriors of the Concordat has been striking fear in the hearts and minds of the people for several decades - ever since the elusive and secretive state that has spawned them has shown its military might in the Komenriso-2 Conflict. The carnage that they inflicted both(sic) on their enemies, on civilians they've encountered, and even on other Concordat troops has been astonishing, but what was even more astonishing is how they - the sehereti - have not suffered even a single casualty in all the six months of fighting. And then, they vanished, leaving behind scenes of desolation and a few abandoned forward bases, only to reappear again and again whenever Concordat has tried to make another landgrab, although they haven't made any significant contribution to the war effort ever since their first apperance. Ever since then, the brightest minds of the Coalition have been trying to determine what those men were, to piece together all the scraps of information that exist about them in books and rumours, to sift through the lies of Concordat's propaganda and to find the truth about what those men, those killing machines really were. And today, we have one of those minds on our show: please welcome - professor Arkady Izhorsky!
So Arkady, what can you tell us?
A.Izhorsky: Well, Allison, I have to start by correcting you a bit - you called sehereti men, while in reality they are anything but.
A.Simmons: So they are robots? Androids?
A.Izhorsky: In a sense, yes, but they are not exactly robots in how we imagine robots. They are made of flesh and blood. But I'll come back to this later. You see, sehereti are related to humans like dogs are related to wolves - same taxa, similar physiology, look like each other, but they are nowhere near the same species. Sehereti are not humans, they were made from humans, but they are not humans by any conventional definition.
A.Simmons: What do you mean they were made from humans? Are they cyborgs, are they genetically modified?
A.Izhorsky: Both, actually. They are both cybernetically and genetically modified, and this is what makes them so good, all the fancy, transhuman stuff that the Concordat puts in them. You'd think they are infantry, but they are actually more like tanks - they certainly cost about the same, and they are made on factories, not born. The-
A.Simmons: I'm sorry, Arkady, I'll have to ask you to clarify: what do you mean "made on factories"? You said they are genetically modified humans. How can you assemble a living being, like a human, on a factory?
A.Izhorsky: Well they are not assembled, they are technically "born", but they are born out of test tubes, from artificial embryos.
A.Simmons: But that's crazy! That's against all human rights laws!
A.Izhorsky: The Concordat, from what we've seen so far, does not apear to be particuarly troubled with ruman rights. They want to make artificial humans - they make artificial humans. They don't even try to pretend that the factories that make sehereti produce something else.
A.Simmons: And the National Council is okay with that?
A.Izhorsky: And that's the funny thing: it is not okay with that, but not because of any ethics or anything. The factories that make the sehereti, as we can see here on the map, are located on just
these three planets here, and nowhere else, and those planets don't really want to be a part of the Concordat. They want to secede. They were a sovereign nation before the Concordat came and they want to become a sovereign nation again.
A.Simmons: I'm sorry, I have to stop you here for a bit: they want to secede?
A.Izhorsky: Yes. They want to form their own nation, conquer some territories and become a sovereign state. They even came up with a name - "Seyiie Herekeheta Yisarys", "United Protectorate of Yisarys".
A.Simmons: So why haven't they seceded yet? With an army of sehereti, I mean, they make them?
A.Izhorsky: Because they can't. They are dependent on the Concordat to get them food and raw materials, they don't have enough on their own, they can't produce enough food to sustain all their population on just those three planets that they have. Let me anticipate your question: why do they have just those three planets, why didn't they conquer some more with their sehereti warriors? That's because they didn't have enough resources before the Concordat came, they didn't have enough resources to mount an invasion in the neighbouring space, they couldn't gather these resources because they were fighting between themselves. The three planets, they were formally one nation, but they were fighting between themselves all the time. And now, they are dependent on food and other supplies being shipped to them by the Concordat, and in exchange, they provide it with sehereti soldiers. And that's why I believe the sehereti haven't done that much fighting since the Komenriso - because the National Council cannot let them, out of fear of giving the three sehereti planets - by the way, I haven't given you their names, they are named Yisarys, Ochre, yes, like the colour, and Windswept - too much political power, because they want to keep them on a short leash, to suppress all thoughts of resistance before using the sehereti for anything significant. What happened on Komenriso was a simple propaganda campaign, they just wanted to scare us with their "terror troops", while in reality they are just as afraid of them as we are. Because if Concordat makes its army dependent on sehereti, if it gives the self-proclaimed "Protectorate" too much power, then it can have a violent attempt at secession right in the middle of its territory. The sehereti are scary, yes, but they are not much more than that.
A.Simmons: And that was professor Izhorsky with his latest findings, thank you very much, Arkady! Now, our next topic is...
Anyone who can tell me why prof. Izhorsky has focused so much on the politics surrounding the sehereti and not on sehereti themselves gets a cookie.
Post by: TD1 on December 15, 2014, 03:46:56 pm
Also:
Quote
ruman rights.0_o
The things I wrote tonight:
The Corncrake
Where are you now, you bird that once had sung
In lines both multi felt and heard?
Aye, in the twilight did you voice yourself -
The Corncrake, how have you fared?
We brought in tractor, dike and furrowed earth
And with our metal beasts, we rent the ground-
That which begat us, sang to us,
We killed and stilled its sound.
The fight cost much, and lost much more,
For we the keepers of this land
Forgot the Corncrake and its ilk,
Forgot we bite our feeding hand.
Oh, come the harvest-time we’ll mourn
The nesting grounds of old!
Here lay the eggs, now there are none-
For what have we them sold?
The ranks of corn keep marching on,
The harvest time has come-
And come the rising of the dawn
No Corncrake greets the sun.
Note: A corncrake is a bird once common in Northern Ireland, but now no longer breeds here because of agricultural change in harvest times.
O birds of multi-hue and multi feather!
Who course the skies, who keep the heather!
Your wings are sun enough for ten,
They light the glade, the dale, the fen.
Great Falcons hover in the sky,
They look for lesser prey-
Noble their eyes, with grace they fly
In shade of dark or light of day.
And there, the Darkling Thrush,
The poet’s muse of old-
Not noble, yet its song holds life
For both the shepherd and his fold.
Hover, you swan and dive you duck!
Kingfishers drink, then dart away-
See you this beauty? You’re in luck!
To see this aspect of the fey.
They own this land, these flying things-
An angel so attired would sing
To have such brilliant wings.
So honour them, that fly above
Be it the crow or feathered dove.
And another one:
The peacful vales, the noisome dells
Both river and the crying bird.
The washed-clean fells like ringing bells
Blow forth, and so the falling rain is heard.
This is my home, each sound clear-cut
And all who walk here feel at ease.
Post by: bahihs on December 18, 2014, 08:59:36 pm
@Th4DwArfY1: I read the title as "Corn-cake" *facepalm. Anyway, I find that in poetry most the verses are padding for those one or two lines that can outlast stars. In your case, I really like this verse:
We brought in tractor, dike and furrowed earth
And with our metal beasts, we rent the ground-
That which begat us, sang to us,
We killed and stilled its sound.
Now that is really something (granted I thought you were talking about corn the first time around but, still, the verse is quite euphonious.)
Also this bit:
Quote
The peaceful vales, the noisome dells
Both river and the crying bird.
The washed-clean fells like ringing bells
Blow forth, and so the falling rain is heard.
I really like the assonance here but I think the "and so" on the last line breaks the rhythm. What about just "...the rain is heard"?. Also the "and the" in the second line, breaks the parallelism from the first line. What if you omit the "the"? Anyway, just thinking out loud, not a poet by any means so don't take it too seriously.
Any here is my some of my writing. Its the first two chapters of something I'm writing on a different forum I wanted some feed-back and hopefully to post the whole thing so I can get some recommendations for moving forward.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pedrousz on December 25, 2014, 02:53:09 pm
I'm not a native english speaker, and on my daily rotine I use english just to read forums, play games, watch movies, etc. I also read literature, but this is on a small scale since it can be very tiring after some hours. I usually don't write much, and I feel like that people get used to see non native speaker talking on english all the time, so trying to correct anything got a little out of the fashion, what is a shame for the people who want to perfect their grasp on the language.
I always was an wannabe writer, since I was like 10yo I loved literature and liked to build fantastic worlds, in some years I got a little ashamed of these ideas, thinking these were too stupid or children-likeish. So when I got like 15/16 yo I never tried to write anything anymore, I liked to read another people stories and try to changes little things to make it feel perfect to me, but every time I tried to write something original I get that 'this is really stupid' feeling and dropped on the first paragraphs.
Turn out that I get over that hobby, meanwhile I still had the literature passion, the writing fever had gone. Some months ago, though, it returns, but with my old feeling that my ideas are stupid and I shouldn't even bother. Maybe I became I little too pretentious after reading some ''high literature'', or maybe I just realized that I'm not a good writer and probably will never be one, so why even try to write something that will be garbage?
do you guys ever felt something like that? this feeling that you main plot is just straight stupid? it is funny, because sometimes I just try to write some scenes like "a guy sit on a waiting room thinking about bullshiting and enjoying the music" it can get some lines and I feel really good about what I can get off, but when I need to take another action to link this scene with anything more I just can't even :P
also, i would like to know how awful is my english, I usually write on my native language, but it is really hard to find some people to share and trade ideas outside of english boards and sites, so I get even a little less motivated
pls, be harsh, but just enough, I seriously have no idea how good is my grammar, I think my vocabulary is pretty small though
Post by: TD1 on December 25, 2014, 09:27:07 pm
How bad is my english, please? inb4: my story about literature and writingFtfy! :P
I'm not a native English speaker, and on my daily routine I use English just to read forums, play games, watch movies, etc. I also read literature, but this is on a small scale since it can be very tiring after some hours. I usually don't write much, and I feel ((Like?))that people get used to seeing non native speakers talking in English all the time, so trying to correct anything got a little out of ((the?)) fashion, which is a shame for the people who want to perfect their grasp on the language.
I always was a wannabe writer, since I was like 10yo I loved literature and liked to build fantastic worlds, in some years I got a little ashamed of these ideas, thinking these were too stupid or child-like. So when I got like 15/16 yo I never tried to write anything anymore, I liked to read other peoples' stories and try to change little things to make it feel perfect to me, but every time I tried to write something original I got that 'this is really stupid' feeling and dropped on the first paragraphs.
Turns out that I got over that hobby, whilst I still had the literature passion, the writing fever had gone. Some months ago, though, it returned, but with my old feeling that my ideas are stupid and I shouldn't even bother. Maybe I became a little too pretentious after reading some ''high literature'', or maybe I just realized that I'm not a good writer and probably will never be one, so why even try to write something that will be garbage?
Do you guys ever feel something like that? this feeling that your main plot is just straight stupid? It is funny, because sometimes I just try to write some scenes like "a guy sits in a waiting room thinking about bullshiting and enjoying the music" it can get some lines and I feel really good about what I can get off, but when I need to take another action to link this scene with anything more I just can't even :P
Also, I would like to know how awful my English is, I usually write in my native language, but it is really hard to find some people to share and trade ideas outside of English boards and sites, so I get even ((a little?)) less motivated
pls, be harsh, but just enough, I seriously have no idea how good is my grammar, I think my vocabulary is pretty small though
You mixed up the odd word, but your punctuation seemed to hold alright throughout. Also, when I wrote with things in brackets like ((so?)) it was to show I thought you put it in by mistake.
Post by: Arx on December 26, 2014, 06:27:26 am
do you guys ever felt something like that? this feeling that you main plot is just straight stupid? it is funny, because sometimes I just try to write some scenes like "a guy sit on a waiting room thinking about bullshiting and enjoying the music" it can get some lines and I feel really good about what I can get off, but when I need to take another action to link this scene with anything more I just can't even :P
I strongly suspect pretty much every writer ever feels like this at some point. The only way to improve is to practice!
Now that NaNo's over, we should be able to get the writing competitions up and running again (Object? If you don't mind, otherwise I guess I could do it (although the idea terrifies me)), so just enter what you have and we can help you!
Your grammar is bad, but readable. If you like, just continue to post what you write and we can correct you as you go. Out of curiosity (no need to answer), what is your native language?
Post by: hops on December 26, 2014, 11:30:59 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on December 28, 2014, 05:55:08 am
Post by: Arx on December 29, 2014, 02:42:58 pm
I'm willing to extend the competition if somebody actually, y'know, submit something.
Okay then!
Spoiler: Blood on an Axe (click to show/hide)
Both prompts. I'm not sure if the sad ending would have been better, and if the 'antagonist' has enough of a motive.
Post by: WillowLuman on December 29, 2014, 02:44:01 pm
Post by: Arx on December 29, 2014, 02:45:16 pm
Are we still on the "becoming a guardian" one? I've been out of the loop for a while.
That was bizarrely simultaneous. I think so.
My story is either or both prompts, by the way Object.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 01, 2015, 11:11:27 pm
Spoiler: I Don't Even Have A Good Title For This (click to show/hide)
So ya, I guess other than whatever you notice, if you're interested could you tell me if the story leaves you wanting more? and if you've got a good idea of what the immediate setting is?
Post by: TD1 on January 02, 2015, 11:05:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 02, 2015, 09:08:53 pm
Hello, back again. With some story for critique. For ease of reading, i'll being including everything already written. At least until I start covering more than a chapter.
Spoiler: Chapter 1 (click to show/hide)
watcha think?
Post by: Arx on January 03, 2015, 03:23:58 am
Keep reading, keep writing, keep posting!
@Dwarfy: I assume that's meant to come off as very formal. I wouldn't use numerals in that situation, especially for such small numbers- it throws off my immersion, at least, to go from formally constructed speech to numbers (doing it in dialog would, in my less than humble opinion, be inexcusable). It's a bit odd in terms of background plot- ice barbarians, sure, but who is this guy with recurring dreams of losing his place?
Otherwise, I like it. The sophisticated construction might get tiring to read after a while, though.
Post by: TD1 on January 03, 2015, 10:25:39 am
@Dwarfy: I assume that's meant to come off as very formal. I wouldn't use numerals in that situation, especially for such small numbers- it throws off my immersion, at least, to go from formally constructed speech to numbers (doing it in dialog would, in my less than humble opinion, be inexcusable). It's a bit odd in terms of background plot- ice barbarians, sure, but who is this guy with recurring dreams of losing his place?
Otherwise, I like it. The sophisticated construction might get tiring to read after a while, though.
Oh, shoot, I didn't even realise I'd done that. Thanks for the heads up! I'll fix it now :/
Urg, I did it twice. I'm gonna go commit sudoku :(
Edit: As for the background problem, I had intended to write a longer story on it, but I had other stuff to do (revision, bleh) and I felt like writing at that time, so I...compressed it somewhat. Maybe not the best idea.
Also, Urist, on reading yours I must say I liked it. There was the odd grammatical mistake, as Arx pointed out, but a nice story.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 03, 2015, 09:49:14 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Thanks for reading, and possibly critiquing!
Also, dialogue's got me in a bit of a tizzy. I suppose it's just my style, but maybe it seems that there's not enough said? Or perhaps, I'm lacking a way of incorpating less-than-important dialogue/chatter? Whatever you fellows think could help me, thank you!
EDIT: As i've been re-reading it, it appears to me that my sentences might be getting a little choppy. Do you guys feel the same way, or am I just being hypercritical?
Post by: Graknorke on January 03, 2015, 10:00:46 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 04, 2015, 11:34:14 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
enjoy it, comment on it, critique it!
peace.
Post by: Arx on January 06, 2015, 03:11:54 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Completely unfinished. Hardly even started, since I could probably write a novel about that. The writing equivalent of doodling, really.
Post by: TD1 on January 06, 2015, 05:52:38 pm
Were you to write more, I'd read it.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 06, 2015, 09:42:32 pm
In other news, this is the fifth night of my writing. (I'll think I'll stop posting it here, unless you guys want to keep reading it that is)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
There's a bit of a plot inconsistency and I haven't quite decided how to fix it yet, but it should be fine in the end. Anyways, thanks for reading, I apologize for not posting last night, but I was exhausted.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 07, 2015, 04:37:16 pm
I had the idea that that was a type of memetic image that resulted in death to those who saw it. It could only be displayed on an image above certain resolutions.
The hacker's sunglasses are actually specially designed. They distort the memetic image enough it doesn't trigger the brain impulses that lead to death.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So I made a setting. Look around you - how many big (or small) high definition (e.g above early CRT) screens do you have? What if they all suddenly showed an image that if you saw it, you died, convulsing? A lot of people would die. Coupled with an economy mainly moved off-world or to more advanced robotics, there's not many jobs available. Displays have regressed to old, crappy style, where there's no risk of malignant code displaying a screenshock image.
I'd appreciate a better name than screenshock, but it's the best i could come up with on short notice.
Post by: TD1 on January 07, 2015, 04:53:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Which one would y'all choose? I've semi made up my mind, but I want to see what the common opinion would be.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 07, 2015, 04:57:55 pm
So I got an email from my hopeful course in creative writing. To get in, I must:And then go for an interview.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Which one would y'all choose? I've semi made up my mind, but I want to see what the common opinion would be.
Which ever on you are more confident with, they all allow you to showcase your knowledge pretty well (poetry might be a bit harder). Prose would allow you to show your awesomely descriptive side, where Drama would allow you to work in some dialogue AS WELL AS descriptive-y powers. Poetry is poetry... personally, I think it's a difficult manner in which to write excellently. There are so many factors it can be a hit-and-miss thing sometimes.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 07, 2015, 08:06:46 pm
Post by: TD1 on January 07, 2015, 08:08:00 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 07, 2015, 08:14:01 pm
Post by: bahihs on January 07, 2015, 08:29:45 pm
Its also the most flexible, you can write poetically and abstractly (like Joyce *shivers) or straight to the point (like Hemingway) or with preaching prose (like Steinbeck).
But, that's just me. If you are a genius poet, or the next Shakespeare, by all means pen your poems or plays!
Post by: bahihs on January 07, 2015, 08:40:37 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 07, 2015, 09:31:01 pm
Post by: Arx on January 08, 2015, 06:32:02 am
So I got an email from my hopeful course in creative writing. To get in, I must:And then go for an interview.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Which one would y'all choose? I've semi made up my mind, but I want to see what the common opinion would be.
I'd write prose, but in my opinion your poetry is better than your prose.
I wouldn't touch the drama with a bargepole, but that's just me.
I'm a little confused as to the format of this thread. Do I have to respond to the prompts that are given? Or can I just post anything for critique (its what I did earlier, but I'm scared that's not what I was supposed to do)?
If you post something at random and I see it, I'll critique it. If you post something in response to a prompt, it will almost certainly be critiqued.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You wrote "orphange" instead of "orphanage" once.
Otherwise, I like it. It's quite short, though, and doesn't reveal much about the setting you descibed - just that there's some catastrophe with screens and offworld production.
Edit:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Emma on January 09, 2015, 05:35:04 am
I've been doing some writing lately and while I've always been interested in writing I've never really gotten the hang of it I suppose. Anyway, if you'd like to read some of what I've done have a look here and critique. Be harsh, very harsh.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh! I almost forgot what is your view on fanfiction?
Post by: hops on January 09, 2015, 07:48:18 am
Post by: Arx on January 09, 2015, 02:18:19 pm
Uh... Hi,
I've been doing some writing lately and while I've always been interested in writing I've never really gotten the hang of it I suppose. Anyway, if you'd like to read some of what I've done have a look here and critique. Be harsh, very harsh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh! I almost forgot what is your view on fanfiction?
First, I like well-written fanfiction that doesn't alter the events of canon. It's a way to fill the gaping hole left in my soul when I finish something and know I will never get to have that particular experience again.
Second, your story.
/me cracks knuckles.
In dialogue, write each speaker's parts on a new line.
There are a number of minor grammatical errors and typos in your story. Things like "than" instead of "then", "quite" instead of "quiet". A couple of passes after writing it should clean up most of those, though, so no worries.
Your flow is the most glaring problem. It feels like everything is happening in one contiguous sequence, right on top of each other. That's partly related to not having the dialogue spaced out, though.
What's the peach wood table got to do with anything? It feels like unnecessary information that was just wedged in.
I liked the innkeeper's accent.
Your plotline is, unfortunately, fairly clichéd. I'm not sure how to redeem that.
There you go. That's by no means everything, but it's a start.
Keep reading, keep writing, keep reading.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 09, 2015, 06:42:36 pm
First of all, and I think i'm probably guilty of this too, two words thrown together to create a new word usually results in a cheese-sounding fictional vocabulary. You're guys' opinions may be different, but I STRONGLY advocate either using portmanteaus, combining words based on their roots, or really just any other way than just sliding them next to each other.
Secondly, to just get some opinions here. If you ended up reading what I was posting did you like it? I get the sense that you fellows find it rather dispassionate. If not, would you continue reading?
Of course, in asking for a "review" of sorts, I'll leave one in return:
Quote
Uh... Hi,
I've been doing some writing lately and while I've always been interested in writing I've never really gotten the hang of it I suppose. Anyway, if you'd like to read some of what I've done have a look here and critique. Be harsh, very harsh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh! I almost forgot what is your view on fanfiction?
Firstly, in a very general sense, i'm against fanfiction. There are times when I don't mind it (this, presumably, being one, because I have no connection to its universe), but generally fanfiction is just more-of-the-same. I don't want to read an extremely similar story with similar characters doing similar things in the same universe. I find fan fiction okay when it adds to the atmosphere and helps you imagine the larger world... ESPECIALLY when it doesn't mention the main/side/tertiary characters of the canon too much/at all. (but when does that ever happen?)
Anyways, review stuff:
As a reader, I'm drawn in initially, but like Arx said, "Your plotline is, unfortunately, fairly clichéd." However, if that's what you like who am I to judge? The REAL problem I think lies in the pace of the story. It's fast. It's Barry Allen fast.
First of all, give us more background. I want to know EVERYTHING about this village, even things I didn't want to know about it. Then, develop this whole "bullied" thing a bit. Make me hate this Stephen fellow. Ya know, character development. Same goes for the rest of the non-POV characters, and especially Aaron's family. Aaron himself is at the same level of "needing more describing", but being the POV main character, you have a lot of time to explore his background/character, so it's OKAY not to give it all up at the get go.
Dialogue. Besides what Arx said, I like it. It might be cliche, but for the most part it's good. The few things that stand out are it's halting nature (god so many commas), and the sometimes awkward phrasing (most noticeable in Farren's lines).
To sum it up, it's fine, but it needs work. Despite the Cliches and the writing-side problems, if you keep at it it can be great. Of course, it's not without it's good parts: The way you describe magic is pretty good, and gives you a good indication of what it means in that world to be a magic user. Also, Ferran is a good character. (And also the stuff Arx said)
Post by: WillowLuman on January 10, 2015, 03:58:08 am
Spoiler: love (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: father (click to show/hide)
Post by: Emma on January 10, 2015, 06:46:52 pm
A couple of things.
First of all, and I think i'm probably guilty of this too, two words thrown together to create a new word usually results in a cheese-sounding fictional vocabulary. You're guys' opinions may be different, but I STRONGLY advocate either using portmanteaus, combining words based on their roots, or really just any other way than just sliding them next to each other.
Secondly, to just get some opinions here. If you ended up reading what I was posting did you like it? I get the sense that you fellows find it rather dispassionate. If not, would you continue reading?
Of course, in asking for a "review" of sorts, I'll leave one in return:QuoteUh... Hi,
I've been doing some writing lately and while I've always been interested in writing I've never really gotten the hang of it I suppose. Anyway, if you'd like to read some of what I've done have a look here and critique. Be harsh, very harsh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh! I almost forgot what is your view on fanfiction?
Firstly, in a very general sense, i'm against fanfiction. There are times when I don't mind it (this, presumably, being one, because I have no connection to its universe), but generally fanfiction is just more-of-the-same. I don't want to read an extremely similar story with similar characters doing similar things in the same universe. I find fan fiction okay when it adds to the atmosphere and helps you imagine the larger world... ESPECIALLY when it doesn't mention the main/side/tertiary characters of the canon too much/at all. (but when does that ever happen?)
Anyways, review stuff:
As a reader, I'm drawn in initially, but like Arx said, "Your plotline is, unfortunately, fairly clichéd." However, if that's what you like who am I to judge? The REAL problem I think lies in the pace of the story. It's fast. It's Barry Allen fast.
First of all, give us more background. I want to know EVERYTHING about this village, even things I didn't want to know about it. Then, develop this whole "bullied" thing a bit. Make me hate this Stephen fellow. Ya know, character development. Same goes for the rest of the non-POV characters, and especially Aaron's family. Aaron himself is at the same level of "needing more describing", but being the POV main character, you have a lot of time to explore his background/character, so it's OKAY not to give it all up at the get go.
Dialogue. Besides what Arx said, I like it. It might be cliche, but for the most part it's good. The few things that stand out are it's halting nature (god so many commas), and the sometimes awkward phrasing (most noticeable in Farren's lines).
To sum it up, it's fine, but it needs work. Despite the Cliches and the writing-side problems, if you keep at it it can be great. Of course, it's not without it's good parts: The way you describe magic is pretty good, and gives you a good indication of what it means in that world to be a magic user. Also, Ferran is a good character. (And also the stuff Arx said)
Thanks for the review and you have some interesting thoughts on fanfiction. Anyway, yeah I know it's a bit fast (who am I kidding it's way to fast and I need to harness this power to travel through time) and I think that this stems partly from the fact that I've never felt that I'm good at writing introductions and tend to speed through them and also laziness, so yeah I'll go back and try to fix this. Also, two many comma's? I guess I agree, how do you think I should fix this? Should I just brush up on my grammar?
Uh... Hi,
I've been doing some writing lately and while I've always been interested in writing I've never really gotten the hang of it I suppose. Anyway, if you'd like to read some of what I've done have a look here and critique. Be harsh, very harsh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh! I almost forgot what is your view on fanfiction?
First, I like well-written fanfiction that doesn't alter the events of canon. It's a way to fill the gaping hole left in my soul when I finish something and know I will never get to have that particular experience again.
Second, your story.
/me cracks knuckles.
In dialogue, write each speaker's parts on a new line.
There are a number of minor grammatical errors and typos in your story. Things like "than" instead of "then", "quite" instead of "quiet". A couple of passes after writing it should clean up most of those, though, so no worries.
Your flow is the most glaring problem. It feels like everything is happening in one contiguous sequence, right on top of each other. That's partly related to not having the dialogue spaced out, though.
What's the peach wood table got to do with anything? It feels like unnecessary information that was just wedged in.
I liked the innkeeper's accent.
Your plotline is, unfortunately, fairly clichéd. I'm not sure how to redeem that.
There you go. That's by no means everything, but it's a start.
Keep reading, keep writing, keep reading.
Thanks for the review, Arx. I did believe that I had fixed most, if not all of the grammatical errors that you pointed out, so thanks for pointing them out. With the dialogue on a new line thing, I actually thought that you only did that if there was dialogue on the same line, but I suppose that you learn new things every day. Yeah, the peachwood table wasn't needed and probably shouldn't be there but I did like it. I do have some ideas for making the plot non-clichéd so I'll write a few of those up to see what you guys think. The tip about reading and writing is good too, one only gets better with practice.
Oh, btw I asked about fanfiction not because this is a fanfiction but because I'm interested in it at the moment.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 11, 2015, 12:05:51 am
Thanks Urist McScoopbeard and Arx for looking at the piece.snip
Thanks for the review and you have some interesting thoughts on fanfiction. Anyway, yeah I know it's a bit fast (who am I kidding it's way to fast and I need to harness this power to travel through time) and I think that this stems partly from the fact that I've never felt that I'm good at writing introductions and tend to speed through them and also laziness, so yeah I'll go back and try to fix this. Also, two many comma's? I guess I agree, how do you think I should fix this? Should I just brush up on my grammar?snip
Thanks for the review, Arx. I did believe that I had fixed most, if not all of the grammatical errors that you pointed out, so thanks for pointing them out. With the dialogue on a new line thing, I actually thought that you only did that if there was dialogue on the same line, but I suppose that you learn new things every day. Yeah, the peachwood table wasn't needed and probably shouldn't be there but I did like it. I do have some ideas for making the plot non-clichéd so I'll write a few of those up to see what you guys think. The tip about reading and writing is good too, one only gets better with practice.
Oh, btw I asked about fanfiction not because this is a fanfiction but because I'm interested in it at the moment.
No probs. The way I would go about fixing it would be to reread the story and ask yourself, "can I describe more?" If you can: do so. However, having just told you that you should describe more, also know that description is a two way street. When you describe something, you give the reader a picture. If you don't, the reader will draw their own picture. So you need to keep the information you give out in the story in balance. Too much, and you've bored the reader. Too little, and you have a multitude of problems (including a quick pace, confusing the reader, frustrating the reader, and muddying-up the writing in general.) Basically, give enough info to keep the reader hooked, but not too much that it becomes a description rather than a story.
(A good rule of thumb is to only include what your POV character knows or thinks, and then only what he's thinking at that moment.)
As far as dialogue goes: Read other people's dialogue, see what works. I don't want to really stifle you here, because writing dialogue is a big part of a (fiction) author's style. Also the dialogue can get awkward every now and again, after all imagine how much we as human beings stumble over our words on a daily basis!
and on another note: the only real 'type' of 'fan fiction' I like are AARs from games, if that counts in your books.
Post by: TD1 on January 14, 2015, 03:35:48 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on January 15, 2015, 08:46:48 pm
Spoiler: Objects Retrieved from Project Khaos (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on January 18, 2015, 06:40:37 am
I have a thing. It's supposed to be an exercise in
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Edit: also, do you have plans to judge the competition?
Post by: hops on January 18, 2015, 07:49:02 am
Post by: Repulsion on January 21, 2015, 02:07:40 pm
Spoiler: The Dance of Fragments (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Forgotten Travels (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on January 24, 2015, 02:15:28 am
And I know I post poems every now and then and don't really anticipate a response, but could y'all look over this one? I spent quite a while on it, and I can never be certain myself if they're any good whatsoever. So, a simple aye or nay would be appreciated!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on January 24, 2015, 04:15:01 am
Edit: alright. Stanza six uses the word 'shedded', which strikes me as odd. 'Shed' is the past-tense form already, and I'm not sure how far artistic license can be stretched with regard to changing word forms. The second was that stanza four uses the same rhyme for the last two lines as stanza five does for its first two lines. It's not really a terrible issue, and it was being exacerbated by my phone's inability to render paragraph breaks.
Repulsion: It's my understanding that the new line should always start with a capital letter, but I'm sure that's not a hard and fast rule. Might even be something my teacher forced down our throats.
There are no rules in poetry, only conventions, really. And starting with a capital letter is definitely not a rule. Most modern poetry I've seen goes the other way; no punctuation, let alone end-stopping, no capitals, only line breaks. It's a trend I detest, but that's another story.
Edit again:
I'd appreciate some feedback on this exercise piece:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Specifically, do you find it even slightly disturbing? And if not, can you suggest any additions to make it more so?
Post by: Errant Tree on January 24, 2015, 07:46:20 am
Don't worry, your story made me very uncomfortable. Mission accomplished :)
Post by: Arx on January 24, 2015, 02:24:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on January 27, 2015, 05:33:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: WillowLuman on January 29, 2015, 08:02:20 pm
Spoiler: Greenland (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 29, 2015, 08:34:30 pm
Here's a story I did for my creative writing class, I'm not sure I like it but I figured I'd get some more feedback.Spoiler: Greenland (click to show/hide)
Nice.
Post by: bahihs on January 29, 2015, 10:02:45 pm
Spoiler: Strike the Earth! (click to show/hide)
Post by: WillowLuman on February 04, 2015, 10:27:21 pm
Spoiler: Needs a title (click to show/hide)
Also, I'm a little stuck on how to end it.
Post by: hops on February 05, 2015, 03:20:09 am
Okay then!Spoiler: Blood on an Axe (click to show/hide)
Both prompts. I'm not sure if the sad ending would have been better, and if the 'antagonist' has enough of a motive.
I think this is the only submission for the contest.
Post by: TD1 on February 05, 2015, 11:53:15 am
Post by: hops on February 06, 2015, 12:44:20 am
Or
2. Taking on the role of a protector.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 06, 2015, 05:01:24 pm
Post by: hops on February 06, 2015, 05:10:39 pm
You know how the old-school depiction of hackers is that they always wear sunglasses, even though that makes no sense? And leather trenchcoats and stuff?
I had the idea that that was a type of memetic image that resulted in death to those who saw it. It could only be displayed on an image above certain resolutions.
The hacker's sunglasses are actually specially designed. They distort the memetic image enough it doesn't trigger the brain impulses that lead to death.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So I made a setting. Look around you - how many big (or small) high definition (e.g above early CRT) screens do you have? What if they all suddenly showed an image that if you saw it, you died, convulsing? A lot of people would die. Coupled with an economy mainly moved off-world or to more advanced robotics, there's not many jobs available. Displays have regressed to old, crappy style, where there's no risk of malignant code displaying a screenshock image.
I'd appreciate a better name than screenshock, but it's the best i could come up with on short notice.
The protector prompt:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Okay, I found two more. This is hard.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 06, 2015, 05:20:07 pm
Spoiler: Still needs a title (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on February 06, 2015, 06:32:48 pm
http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/2tvdxd/ip_the_wreck_of_mars/
Spoiler: Mars' Descent (click to show/hide)
Post by: WillowLuman on February 06, 2015, 06:37:22 pm
Post by: TD1 on February 06, 2015, 06:42:27 pm
The Dog
The blinding sight of meteor beast
Has put me off my ease.
No hunter better was at hunt
Between the mountains and the seas.
A broken branch, a gleaming eye
Then nothing left but broken sky –
Between the branches there he’d lurked,
This phantom of the forest’s murk!
Around the flames so careful-laid
His high-browed head comes nigh.
He bears a mantle made of fur,
A savage gleam within his eye.
In leather slippers creep his feet
In midnight gloom or highest noon –
Old teeth, yet white, he bares at all
Who meet with him beneath the moon.
O, woe betide the fool in me
For I have ventured in his lands
And now this ghost with padded feet
Comes near to where I stand.
Flame in his eye, fire in his tooth,
A face unmarked by care or ruth –
That beast in white ensnares my sight
With tail that waves, and jaws that bite.
---
The Cat
Great Sansa prowls and stares
With gleaming eye and out-stretched fang;
Of her each thing bewares
And heeds her majesty.
Her coat is coal strained through a star,
Her eyes are emerald jewels
And if she hunts where humans are
She makes the lot of them seem fools!
Great cunning has she in her stare
And in her deft and reaching paw,
So if to cross her you will dare,
Beware her opened maw!
Sansa, great Sansa of the woods
With brindled fur and blazing eye,
Who takes her prey of all who dwell
Beneath the trees, beneath the sky.
From you a boon I ask at last,
That as your tail goes passing by
You’ll deign to stop and lift your charcoal head
That I might look on you before I die.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 08, 2015, 06:54:16 pm
Okay, I found two more. This is hard.
Come to a decision?
Post by: bahihs on February 08, 2015, 08:51:31 pm
Spoiler: Both prompts (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 09, 2015, 01:04:41 am
I don't write poetry so I'm 90% sure it sucks
I'm a tad embarrassed to share it here, I'm not sure how many people will make fun of me .-.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 09, 2015, 07:37:45 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 09, 2015, 08:06:52 am
Post by: bahihs on February 09, 2015, 10:07:03 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 09, 2015, 10:51:43 am
just something I wrote in hopes of brownie points
Post by: hops on February 09, 2015, 02:36:30 pm
We might make fun of you, but at least it will be good natured ribbing. I've written poems for a woman myself, but, err, they probably aren't safe to post here.Roses are red
Violets are blue
[DATA EXPUNGED]
Post by: TD1 on February 09, 2015, 02:55:16 pm
Okay, I found two more. This is hard.
Come to a decision?
Post by: hops on February 09, 2015, 02:56:17 pm
I'm still trying to muster the willpower.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 09, 2015, 03:02:19 pm
Go Objective, critique those stories!
Post by: Gamerlord on February 09, 2015, 11:51:55 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 10, 2015, 09:14:13 am
Would that be ok to do here?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 10, 2015, 10:20:03 am
Do any of you have advice on writing horror, specifically survival horror with the pov of a child?
Can you expand on this a little?
Post by: Gamerlord on February 10, 2015, 05:42:44 pm
Its for a quest I want to run on the Sufficient Velocity forums and it's going to be focused on more... Otherworldly monsters. Things that are just wrong.Do any of you have advice on writing horror, specifically survival horror with the pov of a child?
Can you expand on this a little?
Post by: TD1 on February 10, 2015, 05:43:37 pm
Post by: Gamerlord on February 10, 2015, 07:50:56 pm
Lovecraftian?Sorta, but only if you really start delving deep. So long as the players only scratch the surface and don't mess around with the Geas or Circle (binding oneself with promises to try and resist fey creatures and borderline pagan superstition/habits/rites) too much they shouldn't take too high a SAN loss.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 10, 2015, 07:57:29 pm
The opponent is greater than humanity, powerful, beyond comprehension - they should rarely be seen, and at most just enough to give hunts as to their nature. Instead, they utilise minions - twisted in form or not. Ordinary people should be sleeper agents, to give the notion that no one can be trusted.
Eldritch horror runs off the fear of the unknown. Don't explain things, but have a common thread between them. Recommended reading for good, strange horror. (http://imgur.com/a/RZrgM)
Post by: Gamerlord on February 10, 2015, 09:05:35 pm
Post by: Xantalos on February 10, 2015, 09:20:30 pm
Also, could you shoot me a link once you've got the game set up? I'm interested in this.
Post by: piecewise on February 11, 2015, 02:08:59 am
Do any of you have advice on writing horror, specifically survival horror with the pov of a child?Writing from the pov of a child is hard because kids see things in fundamentally different ways then adults. Here, watch this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRF27F2bn-A
Thats pretty technical, yeah, but it should give you an idea of one of the major differences between adult perspective and children's perspective: Logic. The way a child thinks, plans and acts tends to be much more short sighted and much more easily influenced. They are not completely illogical, rather they simply have a sort of logic which makes leaps and connections that older people find difficult to comprehend. This is compounded by the fact that children are often oblivious to dangers they don't understand. Children do not understand death, they can't fear for their lives because the idea of dying isn't real to them, at least not really. But they can fear pain; because that is a very primal and easy to comprehend thing. So a child that is watching the city it's in being bombed or burnt down won't care or be afraid until the noise hurts their ears or the smoke stings their eyes. Then they'll be afraid.
Likewise, children, especially in the toddler and a bit older range have a definite fear of the unknown. They are terrified of things they don't understand, even if those things aren't really causing them any problems. The classic example is the child which erupts into tearful hysterics when placed on santa's knee. The combination of separation from the parents and immersion in a completely incomprehensible and new environment with this big, strange thing talking at you is enough to cause a break down.
I want you to imagine for a moment what it is to be a 4 year old who gets lost in the mall. You are separated from your parents, from the things which are, to you, the source of life and comfort. You are plunged into a world in which the geometry and architecture resembles what you are familiar with- with the innards of the average American home- but is all together harsher and more angular, all glass, metal, concrete, humming halogen and muttering pop songs on the overhead speakers. The beings which are walking past you are several times your size and engaged in activities you don't understand, and they do these things with seeming apathy to you, ignoring you as they walk past. You want to go home, you want to find something familiar, you want to be safe, but all there is around you are things which you don't understand, which are just familiar enough to frustrate but alien enough to frighten.
To be a child, lost like that, is quite similar to lovecraft's idea of humanity as similarly trapped in places which we do not understand, crawling under the busily hurrying feet of vast beings which do not care for us one way or another.
Helplessness. Thats the key.
Oh and this is completely unrelated to the above, but I once wrote a Lovecraftian story about DF style dwarves exploring a fort which dug into the HFS. It may be something you could use, so steal from it if you want.
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=58081.msg1280853
Post by: hops on February 11, 2015, 03:01:31 am
Contest Final Round-up
You know how the old-school depiction of hackers is that they always wear sunglasses, even though that makes no sense? And leather trenchcoats and stuff?
I had the idea that that was a type of memetic image that resulted in death to those who saw it. It could only be displayed on an image above certain resolutions.
The hacker's sunglasses are actually specially designed. They distort the memetic image enough it doesn't trigger the brain impulses that lead to death.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So I made a setting. Look around you - how many big (or small) high definition (e.g above early CRT) screens do you have? What if they all suddenly showed an image that if you saw it, you died, convulsing? A lot of people would die. Coupled with an economy mainly moved off-world or to more advanced robotics, there's not many jobs available. Displays have regressed to old, crappy style, where there's no risk of malignant code displaying a screenshock image.
I'd appreciate a better name than screenshock, but it's the best i could come up with on short notice.
OH man, I was actually in the mood for cyberpunk. I feel like the story could elaborate more on the screenshock, though, since it plays a pretty important role in the story by providing the circumstance for it to happen in the first place. You didn't even explain what the screenshock is in the story. It just appear to me that all information I can glean is that it's a thing to do with people seeing stuffs and dying. The story didn't mention anything about it being memetic, nor it explain what caused it.
The protector prompt:The intro dream sequence was a bit confusing. You might want to just simply state that he was dreaming, since otherwise the reader is unsure what the story is actually about. Apart from that, this was a solid story. For a moment I even thought the girl would have been killed off, so personally I would say that a way to add more sense of urgency to the combat is to keep the in harm's way longer, if you want to.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Can we do both prompts in one?Spoiler: Both prompts (click to show/hide)
I can only see this fulfilling the guardian prompt, since I don't really see any particular victory. I'm also particularly confused why the undead was suddenly put out of commission. Most parts of the story is solid, but like I said, a lot of the details are kind of confusing. Are the little girl's assailants human? I mean, they have arrows, but they also bit her? This really confuses me.
Results
- Th4DwArfY1
- bahihs
- GiglameshDespair
Post by: Gamerlord on February 11, 2015, 03:34:15 am
Ooh, interesting. I'd also recommend reading some of Lovecraft's works - after all, he pioneered the genre. Haunter in the Dark I remember as a good one, Rats in the Walls, etc.Sure thing man.
Also, could you shoot me a link once you've got the game set up? I'm interested in this.
-glorious amount of help-Thanks!
Post by: TD1 on February 11, 2015, 11:52:04 am
Okay then!Spoiler: Blood on an Axe (click to show/hide)
Both prompts. I'm not sure if the sad ending would have been better, and if the 'antagonist' has enough of a motive.
I think this is the only submission for the contest.
Post by: bahihs on February 11, 2015, 12:04:31 pm
I can only see this fulfilling the guardian prompt, since I don't really see any particular victory. I'm also particularly confused why the undead was suddenly put out of commission. Most parts of the story is solid, but like I said, a lot of the details are kind of confusing. Are the little girl's assailants human? I mean, they have arrows, but they also bit her? This really confuses me.
Hmm, I thought it was pretty clear (then again, I wrote it :P), but basically the little girl is a necromancer and the assailants are also undead, except they are controlled by a different necromancer.
"A necromancer looking only for sport. Ah! the time comes" as well as the fact that the main character was resurrected by the new necromancer (who has now taken over the keep), were supposed to be hints of that. Finally in this story the undead are able to use weapons if they are properly armed (as in the case of the main character who wears mail and wields a sword) since they retain their memories; this is where the arrows come from.
Also, the victory is quite subtle, but in essence it is the undead getting his "life" back for a split moment even as he "dies". The idea is that, not only is there victory in defeat but the defeat itself is victory (it really goes back to the paradox of being undead, the only way the main character can "live" is to "die"; i.e his defeat (death) contains at the same time his victory (life)). This seems to be superseded by the fact that the undead is simply resurrected again (by the new necromancer, the old man) signifying an ultimate defeat; but of course "To the undead, time is erosion", the undead knows that he only has to wait until he finally dies for the last time, which to him, is the ultimate victory.
Really, it was all supposed to be an allegory of some of the ideas in Hinduism, particularly that of Samsara (Wheel of life or suffering) and Moksha (Liberation). But perhaps I obfuscated the point too much.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 11, 2015, 12:42:41 pm
Post by: hops on February 11, 2015, 01:08:32 pm
Whilst I appreciate "winning," Objective, wasn't Arx in the running too?hhhhhhhh
Okay then!Spoiler: Blood on an Axe (click to show/hide)
Both prompts. I'm not sure if the sad ending would have been better, and if the 'antagonist' has enough of a motive.
I think this is the only submission for the contest.
/me dies
Post by: TD1 on February 11, 2015, 01:15:52 pm
Post by: Arx on February 11, 2015, 01:19:21 pm
Don't worry, I'm sure no one would mind a reassessment, if you feel up to it :P
I think the problem might be Objective minding the reassessment.
Which would objectively be a problem, ahah.
* Arx jumps off the roof
Post by: hops on February 13, 2015, 03:07:16 am
To be honest, I don't really know what to say for a criticism. It seems churlish to mention the ambiguous antagonist, but I guess that's one thing I can mention. You should try coming up with explanation for what this business about the 'heir' is, because right now it all seemed a bit unrealistic.I'm willing to extend the competition if somebody actually, y'know, submit something.
Okay then!Spoiler: Blood on an Axe (click to show/hide)
Both prompts. I'm not sure if the sad ending would have been better, and if the 'antagonist' has enough of a motive.
Result, I guess
- Th4DwArfY1
- Arx
- bahihs
- GiglameshDespair
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 13, 2015, 10:06:24 am
Post by: TD1 on February 13, 2015, 02:26:20 pm
Prompts:
1) Something small rises to greatness
OR
2) A weakness becomes a strength.
Post by: bahihs on February 14, 2015, 08:17:33 pm
Spoiler: Prompt 1, FINISHED! (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 14, 2015, 08:22:33 pm
Post by: bahihs on February 14, 2015, 08:31:42 pm
Well damn my nerves, I wrote her a short page about how I love her and don't write much and how I'm a lucky guy for getting someone who can stand being around me this long. Didn't giver her the poem I was hoping to give her...
Poetry was invented for one purpose only, and that is to woo women. Save the poem, you never know when you might need it, its like those fire axes encased in glass: "Break in case of emergency". And you can never have too many axes. What was I talking about again?
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 14, 2015, 08:33:59 pm
But I've already wooed her, we've been dating for almost a year now and it's both of (us's?) first relationship.
I just wanted to do something special, though she still liked the little note
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 14, 2015, 08:55:14 pm
Wooing women
But I've already wooed her, we've been dating for almost a year now and it's both of (us's?) first relationship.
I just wanted to do something special, though she still liked the little note
It's something that takes constant maintenance. At some point, she's going to get pissed at you for whatever reason, and then a poem or some other romantic shit comes in handy.
Relationships take maintaining. It's good to have cards up your sleeve.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 14, 2015, 09:12:55 pm
That and I don't think she gets mad at me too easily and I'm too mellow to stay mad at much anything for more than a few minutes so ya... I don't think we've had a legitimate argument which is surprising considering the relationships at this highschool...
Post by: TD1 on February 15, 2015, 06:40:01 pm
On the other, I suspect it might be of the gushy, lovey dovey variety. :P
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 15, 2015, 07:06:02 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on February 16, 2015, 12:27:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
one of three pieces I did for school!
EDIT: That one's a bit dark so take this one instead:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 19, 2015, 06:36:26 pm
Spoiler: Karma is a truthful lie (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on February 19, 2015, 06:45:13 pm
Yeaaaaaaah I guess the good and bad thing about poetry is that it is really good at being a judge of character.
(Also I like my poems that way)
Post by: Arx on February 21, 2015, 02:17:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This was intended to be a bit of an experiment in writing in the style of the Bantu oral tradition. It, uh, didn't exactly play out like that.
I'm not sure whether I like it; I'd really appreciate any criticism anyone feels like throwing at it.
Also I guess it's kind of for Prompt One.
Post by: hops on February 28, 2015, 06:22:24 pm
Post by: bahihs on February 28, 2015, 06:31:07 pm
Deadline's next Sunday.
Why?
Post by: hops on February 28, 2015, 06:32:15 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 28, 2015, 06:34:03 pm
Post by: bahihs on February 28, 2015, 06:34:32 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 01, 2015, 10:15:02 am
Prompt two sounds like the World War Z movie, won't spoil anything from it though ))
Post by: bahihs on March 01, 2015, 07:21:57 pm
I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope you guys enjoy reading it.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 03, 2015, 02:13:01 am
I should pick them up and try to see which way they go but
Puzzle pieces
How do they fit together? I don't know which way they go
Shards of glass
Seems like a lot of trouble just to pick them up,
Like I'd cut my fingers but
I don't know which way they go, how they fit together
It's probably just from lack of trying
But I don't know which way they go
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 03, 2015, 11:24:15 am
Mirror shards
I should pick them up and try to see which way they go but
Puzzle pieces
How do they fit together? I don't know which way they go
Shards of glass
Seems like a lot of trouble just to pick them up,
Like I'd cut my fingers but
I don't know which way they go, how they fit together
It's probably just from lack of trying
But I don't know which way they go
Critique incoming:
You've got pretty
It's fairly obvious that this isn't meant to be some singsongy poem, but you need rhythm, and the way to do that here is with alliteration, assonance, consonance, and where it fits: dissonance. Repetition like you have in the poetic lines including the phrase, "I don't know which way they go" works between stanzas, but otherwise, unless it's a list poem, it doesn't ADD anything.
That's my two cents on it, others might feel differently, and you probably do too, so god speed to you sir and keep writing poetry.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 03, 2015, 12:26:42 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 03, 2015, 01:25:12 pm
I'll take it to mind. It came about as mental vomit on the frustrations of ADHD.
Ya, inspiration is weird. Anyways, you can try and rewrite it, but when I do that my poems end up worse. So I usually just write new poems if you do want to take that critique to heart.
Post by: Cheesecake on March 14, 2015, 07:59:20 am
Spoiler: Ripple (click to show/hide)
Yeah, I don't know what I'm writing. Just really wanted to write poetry for some reason. It's about a guy who got mad at his boss and got fired, his life sucked, but he turned it around, blah blah. It's really cliche and everything. I don't know if you can write poetry for the prompt, but if you can, then this is my entry. If you can't, well, then it isn't and it's just for fun.
I feel really brain-dead. It took me more than an hour just to write that.
Post by: TD1 on March 14, 2015, 08:28:38 am
Edit: Given current poetry-talk, found this one in the middle of a completely unrelated file (Of coursework....). Must've been written when I was bored. Thank goodness I haven't handed that coursework in yet.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fniff on March 14, 2015, 09:11:54 pm
That was excellent, Cheesecake. Really. I don't get into poetry much, but that was the first time I felt a piece of poetry just... Fit perfectly.Spoiler: Ripple (click to show/hide)
Yeah, I don't know what I'm writing. Just really wanted to write poetry for some reason. It's about a guy who got mad at his boss and got fired, his life sucked, but he turned it around, blah blah. It's really cliche and everything. I don't know if you can write poetry for the prompt, but if you can, then this is my entry. If you can't, well, then it isn't and it's just for fun.
I feel really brain-dead. It took me more than an hour just to write that.
Thank you.
Post by: hops on March 16, 2015, 11:05:14 pm
Writing Prompts Contest Submission Roundup
Let me know if I missed anyone. If not, I will begin grading them.
Spoiler: Prompt 1, FINISHED! (click to show/hide)
Prompt 1Spoiler: Karma is a truthful lie (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This was intended to be a bit of an experiment in writing in the style of the Bantu oral tradition. It, uh, didn't exactly play out like that.
I'm not sure whether I like it; I'd really appreciate any criticism anyone feels like throwing at it.
Also I guess it's kind of for Prompt One.
Spoiler: Ripple (click to show/hide)
Yeah, I don't know what I'm writing. Just really wanted to write poetry for some reason. It's about a guy who got mad at his boss and got fired, his life sucked, but he turned it around, blah blah. It's really cliche and everything. I don't know if you can write poetry for the prompt, but if you can, then this is my entry. If you can't, well, then it isn't and it's just for fun.
I feel really brain-dead. It took me more than an hour just to write that.
Post by: bahihs on March 18, 2015, 10:13:03 am
Spoiler: The Organic Verses (click to show/hide)
Post by: HeroPizza42 on March 18, 2015, 10:17:45 am
Post by: Xantalos on March 19, 2015, 08:42:31 pm
Spoiler: In which Mace Windu is a goddamn badass (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on March 20, 2015, 06:10:04 am
Post by: Arx on March 20, 2015, 02:03:06 pm
Spoiler: Poem? (click to show/hide)
Somehow, modernist poetry has grown on me.
Post by: Xantalos on March 20, 2015, 05:17:15 pm
I'm not qualified to give critique, but I really liked it. The action is done really well.Yay! Self esteem+!
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 20, 2015, 06:37:54 pm
Spoiler: Poem? (click to show/hide)
Somehow, modernist poetry has grown on me.
Modernist as in poetry styles from 1890 to 1950 or as in modern? I assume the former. Anyways, nice! Fun use of alliteration, rhythm, AND it makes sense! Well done. If I had to give one suggestion it would be to be more specific in your imagery. Generally I am a fan of vague imagery in poems, but about halfway through the transition from man's last madness to hands of heroes gets a little unclear to me.
But otherwise, pretty interesting read. I kept rereading it, which is a good sign.
Post by: TD1 on March 20, 2015, 07:21:43 pm
Nice! Though, I like a bit of rhyme personally.Spoiler: Poem? (click to show/hide)
Somehow, modernist poetry has grown on me.
Also, I think in some places (last line, maybe??) it could be made to flow better.
All comes down to opinion, though, and I certainly like how vividly you portray it.
Post by: Glacies on March 23, 2015, 02:47:30 pm
Post by: Xantalos on March 23, 2015, 03:16:45 pm
that said, go ahead sure
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 23, 2015, 03:18:48 pm
Post by: Glacies on March 24, 2015, 12:08:54 pm
---
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also, you guys both totally called it.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 24, 2015, 12:25:25 pm
Post by: Urist Arrhenius on March 24, 2015, 12:38:28 pm
Post by: Glacies on March 24, 2015, 12:41:18 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 24, 2015, 12:44:28 pm
Post by: Glacies on March 24, 2015, 10:35:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: UXLZ on March 25, 2015, 04:09:12 am
I know I have a hell of a lot more lying around... These are the only ones I could find for the time being.
Spoiler: Haikus (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 25, 2015, 09:45:33 am
Post by: UXLZ on March 25, 2015, 09:36:47 pm
I don't care if that isn't how they work, they make it look prettier.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 25, 2015, 09:54:18 pm
The second and third to last I like, the rest seem a little 2edgy. And yeah, to me it just looks silly with tildes at the end of each line. Doesn't make sense.
Post by: UXLZ on March 26, 2015, 02:49:20 am
This is a sort of Haiku Battle I had with one of my friends. It's obvious which ones are mine.
Spoiler: The Battle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: 2EDGY (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: More Edgy? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on March 26, 2015, 03:47:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whipped this up in five minutes just to see if I could.
It's the first poem I've ever written, and is likely to be the last.
Post by: UXLZ on March 26, 2015, 03:48:47 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 26, 2015, 09:37:50 am
its a short story that has to have the main character be a girl with a postcard collection, an orange, and the setting has to be steam punk
warning it is long and probably drawn out, I forgot it was supposed to be double spaced so its twice as long as it was meant to be.
Citrus Fruit Talk to Her
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 26, 2015, 09:40:23 am
The above story was a collaboration between me and my English partner but I wrote it all out. He is helping edit and change the sotry
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 26, 2015, 10:15:10 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whipped this up in five minutes just to see if I could.
It's the first poem I've ever written, and is likely to be the last.
Tis a good poem.
Post by: Parsely on March 26, 2015, 10:39:37 am
-snip-"He quickly stopped laughing and yelled out, 'YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME! DO YOU?'" The improper use of pronouns make it seem like it was the guard outside the door that yelled, which is hilarious to me. Inserting a she between and/yelled would fix that. I'd like it if you let me submit an edited draft of the whole thing.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 26, 2015, 10:41:41 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 26, 2015, 10:43:32 am
Etheric is a term used for ethereal beings - spirits, monsters, etc.
Spoiler: Etheric Control Service (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on March 26, 2015, 06:43:28 pm
Post by: UXLZ on March 26, 2015, 07:51:42 pm
"One looks sick with sick with fear"
Not sure if that's intentional
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 26, 2015, 07:54:16 pm
The short is pretty awesome, but aren't you screwing up tenses in the first line? I'd swear there's something off about "but was already rising to its feet by the time I rack another shell into the chamber."You're correct there, it seems/ I have a problem with shifting tenses as I write, and apparently I didn't fix the start.
"One looks sick with sick with fear"Woops. Good catch.
Not sure if that's intentional
Post by: UXLZ on March 27, 2015, 06:57:53 am
Spoiler: Release (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on March 27, 2015, 07:45:13 am
A short story about Miss Hound, part of the UK's Etheric Control Service, who is not very fond of her job.
Etheric is a term used for ethereal beings - spirits, monsters, etc.Spoiler: Etheric Control Service (click to show/hide)
This is really cool! Is it based off of or inspired by an existing series?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 27, 2015, 08:13:02 am
A short story about Miss Hound, part of the UK's Etheric Control Service, who is not very fond of her job.
Etheric is a term used for ethereal beings - spirits, monsters, etc.Spoiler: Etheric Control Service (click to show/hide)
This is really cool! Is it based off of or inspired by an existing series?
Nope, fully out my own brainmeats. Thanks!
Post by: sjm9876 on March 27, 2015, 11:04:01 am
It's a fantasy-ish world (think shadowrun) at roughly the technology level of WW1 (for the most part). Magic is controlled by means of spirits which can be 'bound' to items as enchantments etc....
Spoiler: Setting dump (click to show/hide)
Also pretty sweet GD :D
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 27, 2015, 11:53:14 am
It was a bad idea for my partner to let me write this :p
Post by: bahihs on March 27, 2015, 03:08:55 pm
Any other comments besides bad grammar for 'Citrus Fruit Talk to Her'?
It was a bad idea for my partner to let me write this :p
Its interesting, but I think you should give it a couple of read-through's and edit it first before handing it in for critique. Otherwise, I can't give any constructive critique beyond "there are grammatical errors that need to be addressed".
Also, what's the news on the writing submissions (wasn't the deadline like 2 weeks ago?).
Post by: hops on March 27, 2015, 03:27:43 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 27, 2015, 05:32:57 pm
I'll get the edited copy on Monday.
Post by: bahihs on March 27, 2015, 10:00:03 pm
This first one is an excerpt from the Teachings of Sa-Ko, a "Walking-God" who preached in Kubo about 5000 years before the present day. He is currently one of the gods of Kubo.
Spoiler: The Sermons of Sa-ko (click to show/hide)
Post by: bahihs on March 30, 2015, 12:31:37 pm
Spoiler: Structure and Interpretation of Magical Phenomenon (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 30, 2015, 11:45:29 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on March 31, 2015, 02:56:36 am
Post by: Parsely on March 31, 2015, 04:09:21 am
Post away!
Post by: Arx on March 31, 2015, 04:24:57 am
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 31, 2015, 06:24:54 am
Post by: Arx on March 31, 2015, 07:00:10 am
Prompts for the Bored!
A tale about peace and a dungeon delver.
Listen closely to the whispering.
Shamelessly ripped from a number of prompt generator sites. Hopefully I'll write something on them. Or finish that thundered story I was supposed to finish sometime... last year?
Post by: TD1 on March 31, 2015, 03:01:48 pm
Oh jeez. Do I just...write a lil story?Or a poem!
Let's not forget the poems :P
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 31, 2015, 03:05:50 pm
Any comments on the story outside of grammar errors, maybe suggestions for how to continue the story, comments on the plot as a whole, maybe something in the plot that makes it a bad story or something that I do that might hurt the story telling as a whole besides the grammar.
Post by: Silthuri on March 31, 2015, 03:59:49 pm
Just like I've been staring at the poetry thread for six months trying to will myself to post some of my writings. :-[
Post by: TD1 on March 31, 2015, 04:06:36 pm
Still, you're more than welcome to post whenever you feel like it! :P
Post by: WillowLuman on March 31, 2015, 04:12:54 pm
Space-age journalist/investigative reporter
"No still lightning"
Post by: TD1 on March 31, 2015, 06:01:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh, could y'all not quote anything I write? Just in the vain hope that I may ever want to submit it to anything, so I don't have to ask people to wipe their quote before I can submit.
Thanks!
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 01, 2015, 07:37:37 pm
Author: Anonymous Battle Mage
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On the Origin of the Cat People
Author:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Some book excerpts from one of my games, just felt like writing it for practice.
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on April 01, 2015, 08:07:17 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 01, 2015, 08:20:21 pm
Can anyone suggest a prompt? In my Agriculture class, we have to write a story about a plant-less society and how it would work out. The rules were pretty freeform, too; we can basically make animals that are able to derive the oxygen molecules from vaporized H²O. I think it'd be interesting to see what other people can come up with, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to suggest prompts 'for the bored' or anything.
Well, you could have manmade structures - oxygen reactors - with life clustered around each one. Or people have to keep their dogs (or whatever) close when they head outside, since the air is deoxygenated.
Plenty of interesting stuff to write there.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 01, 2015, 08:22:13 pm
Plant less society ideas
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: bahihs on April 01, 2015, 08:22:38 pm
Can anyone suggest a prompt? In my Agriculture class, we have to write a story about a plant-less society and how it would work out. The rules were pretty freeform, too; we can basically make animals that are able to derive the oxygen molecules from vaporized H²O. I think it'd be interesting to see what other people can come up with, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to suggest prompts 'for the bored' or anything.
Well, I assume by "plants" you mean all photosynthetic organisms? If that were the case then the animals would need to use some sort of photosynthetic mechanism to get oxygen from water (only way to split water is through electrolysis or in biological systems, photolysis). You cannot however simply obtain O2 from "vaporized H2O" (i.e water vapor).
This is pretty cool, I'll take a crack at it a little later. And as far as I can tell, there are few rules to this thread so I think you can absolutely suggest prompts (in fact I think several users a few posts back did so themselves).
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on April 01, 2015, 08:42:11 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 01, 2015, 09:19:57 pm
Spoiler: The Trees Sing Different Songs, Now (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 01, 2015, 09:59:12 pm
Post by: Urist Arrhenius on April 02, 2015, 01:37:41 pm
Can anyone suggest a prompt? In my Agriculture class, we have to write a story about a plant-less society and how it would work out. The rules were pretty freeform, too; we can basically make animals that are able to derive the oxygen molecules from vaporized H²O. I think it'd be interesting to see what other people can come up with, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to suggest prompts 'for the bored' or anything.Interesting. I might throw something together if I have enough time to do so. I'd be interested in it beyond the immediate problem of O2. Is this supposed to be sort of a futuristic, getting rid of all of the plants slowly, or a situation where we evolved without any plants?
Post by: Arx on April 02, 2015, 02:21:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I'm really not happy with it, but eh.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 02, 2015, 02:29:22 pm
@Arx, good concept. Makes me want to read more m8. How about a chapter for us???
Post by: Arx on April 02, 2015, 02:30:58 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 02, 2015, 03:00:57 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 02, 2015, 03:03:47 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I'm really not happy with it, but eh.
Yeah, it doesn't really explain anything. Needs expanding on.
Post by: itisnotlogical on April 04, 2015, 05:41:31 am
Growing Up Digital (http://docs.google.com/document/d/15WCvvGf-wSHDO4sHnjleryCTSvFNDh5JSvj9Aj5o3VE/edit?usp=sharing)
Post by: bahihs on April 04, 2015, 10:57:31 am
I started writing a thing yesterday, and now it's 14 pages (~4500 words) long. When it's finished, I want it to be a nonfiction story about how growing up in a technological age, surrounded by the Internet has affected my growth and development as an individual. I'm wondering if people at large would be interested in that sort of thing, because I'm thinking I might actually have enough to publish an eBook by the time I reach the present day. Currently it covers the first eight or so years of my life in very rough detail.
Growing Up Digital (http://docs.google.com/document/d/15WCvvGf-wSHDO4sHnjleryCTSvFNDh5JSvj9Aj5o3VE/edit?usp=sharing)
Pretty cool. One word of advice, don't let up. Keep writing it even after you've reached the present day. For one, you might find that you run out steam after awhile (maybe just lack of interest, maybe writer's block, maybe you're too busy, whatever it is) and for another you might find that once you do get to the present, you need more material. Its better to wait and continue to write and be patient, then immediately publish.
Also, you might find that the content is less than 14 pages (given changes in font size, spacing etc.) and the content seems a little rushed at times (though given that you are describing yourself when you were very young, it is to be expected; all my memories from my formative years have been obliterated). May I suggest getting in contact with people who knew you at that time, for a different perspective (and perhaps even details you've forgotten)?
It is very nostalgic though, I've been through several of the same things you have (constant moving, obsession with videogames, getting into trouble - though for different reasons, the emulator and the dial-up bit made me sigh wistfully - those were the days...), I'd like to read more. And that's about the best compliment a writer can get, so...keep it up!
Post by: itisnotlogical on April 05, 2015, 04:22:54 am
I worry that I'm being too dramatic. Especially when I'm describing Halo and Runescape and how much of an impact they had on me, I can imagine people cringing at how obsessed I was over those games. At the same time though, I feel like it's necessary to get across the point that these had a big influence on shaping myself and how I view the world.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 05, 2015, 08:52:28 am
Thank you very much, that was very encouraging :D I've reached a really hazy point in my memories, so yeah I'll probably need to do a little digging before I can write anything more from the point that I'm at. I might skip ahead a bit for the sake of keeping my pace up. I'll primarily be working on that Google document, so you can read there for any changes :D
I worry that I'm being too dramatic. Especially when I'm describing Halo and Runescape and how much of an impact they had on me, I can imagine people cringing at how obsessed I was over those games. At the same time though, I feel like it's necessary to get across the point that these had a big influence on shaping myself and how I view the world.
I actually wrote my college application essay on how I was addicted to videogames and tge struggles with myself and depression I went through to turn over a new leaf. Wasnt an amazing essay, but it did get me in to University of Miami.
But anyways, I just wanted to say, write it how you want to, for those of us who grew up playing videogames instead of sports they ARE pretty dramatic and have profound influences on us.
Post by: AlStar on April 06, 2015, 11:27:12 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: bahihs on April 07, 2015, 11:56:48 am
It's been a good long while since I was last in this thread (I blame my current job blocking the forums). I'm in the process of writing several different things that I hope will eventually turn into stories, but here's what I've currently got of my most recent one (any thoughts/criticisms/etc. welcome):
Spoiler: My edits to the story (click to show/hide)
Alright, I've given very little critique in this thread so I think its time I change that.
My critique is divided into two areas:
1. The writing
2. The story
For #1, take a look at my edits under the spoiler above. Here is a key to various marks used:
{}->{} = Rearrangement of a string or a change in its tense
[] = Added string
() ##= #Comment refers to# (enclosed string)
(syn)= Use a synonym instead of the (word)
I edited following Orwell's 6 rules of writing: taken from Politics and the English Language (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Politics_and_the_English_Language#Remedy_of_Six_Rules) as well as the guidelines set forth in Strunk and White (link should be in the OP of this thread). The main problem here seems to be with excessive use of adjectives and adverbs and some cliched expressions/similes (one or two). There are also too many constructions with multiple dependent clauses, leading to long-winded sentences. A few is fine, but there are too many in this short piece. The word choice (particularly with verbs) is excellent (no jargon, no long words), and the writing leans toward imagery which is always good. Passive voice is used in some places, which should be avoided.
Now as for #2: Very scenic, but little substance. It's very difficult to know what's going on from this snippet. Clear sense of a steampunk/siege setting but there is no "story" to speak of with something so short. Can't really comment on this until more is written.
Feel free to ask me questions regarding the edits (here or PM, I don't mind either).
Post by: Arx on April 07, 2015, 12:53:06 pm
I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but to me it looks like you've basically reworked the piece to use your writing voice, which is bad. Also, you've edited according to a completely arbitrary set of rules. So, uh, you've edited it to be in a combination of your voice and George Orwell's, which I'm inclined to say will only stifle creativity in writing style. Also, I know that I much prefer to be able to rework my own stories, and not be handed an edited version for two reasons: the first is that you as the editor don't understand the subtleties of the author's intentions, and the second is that it's (for me) better for improvement to work over the piece personally. (And I don't even know what this counts as except not particularly mature, but I find it amusing that you used the passive voice to criticise their use of passive voice. Was that intentional?)
I am by no means going to tell you not to do that, but I am going to ask that you not do it to my stories. Everything you said apart from the edited version I'm okay with, though.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 07, 2015, 01:29:27 pm
For an action scene, you tend to have very long sentences, which makes everything feel slow. But he said it much more thoroughly than i did.
Post by: bahihs on April 07, 2015, 01:35:32 pm
I'd just like to observe that I personally absolutely detest that style of critiquing. Everything that follows is entirely based on opinion:
I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but to me it looks like you've basically reworked the piece to use your writing voice, which is bad. Also, you've edited according to a completely arbitrary set of rules. So, uh, you've edited it to be in a combination of your voice and George Orwell's, which I'm inclined to say will only stifle creativity in writing style. Also, I know that I much prefer to be able to rework my own stories, and not be handed an edited version for two reasons: the first is that you as the editor don't understand the subtleties of the author's intentions, and the second is that it's (for me) better for improvement to work over the piece personally. (And I don't even know what this counts as except not particularly mature, but I find it amusing that you used the passive voice to criticise their use of passive voice. Was that intentional?)
I am by no means going to tell you not to do that, but I am going to ask that you not do it to my stories. Everything you said apart from the edited version I'm okay with, though.
I am sorry that I offended you. Let me address some of the points you raised to at least justify myself (a little):
1. "I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but to me it looks like you've basically reworked the piece to use your writing voice, which is bad"
I haven't done that actually, if I had, there would be greater changes in syntax, word choice, word order etc. etc. Furthermore, I wouldn't consider myself to have a "voice". Truly enduring writers have a "voice"; its beyond good or bad writing.
2. "So, uh, you've edited it to be in a combination of your voice and George Orwell's, which I'm inclined to say will only stifle creativity in writing style."
If I've edited to fit Orwell's voice (again see above regarding voice), then it can only be for the better. Orwell is generally considered to be a great writer (one of the "enduring writers" I just spoke of) and if one's writing is similar to his, its a helluva good start. Also, I disagree that emulation will "stifle creativity". This is a very common misconception, both in art (copying drawings or emulating technique) and in writing. The reason is simple, "writing style" emerges from emulation. By copying the style of various authors you begin to construct your own, this is not merely my own opinion but that of many other accomplished writers. In any case, I don't believe I was enforcing any "style" or "voice", since the rules I used are more or less universal (i.e recommended by all professional writers).
3. " Also, I know that I much prefer to be able to rework my own stories, and not be handed an edited version for two reasons: the first is that you as the editor don't understand the subtleties of the author's intentions, and the second is that it's (for me) better for improvement to work over the piece personally. "
Fair enough, but given the medium, I find its just faster to edit everything first, then work out the authors meaning in subsequent posts. My edits are by no means the final word, there are the start to a discussion where such subtitles can be explored. I also give some reasons for my edits, which I made sure were grounded in the universal rules I spoke of above.
4. "(And I don't even know what this counts as except not particularly mature, but I find it amusing that you used the passive voice to criticise their use of passive voice. Was that intentional?)"
Did I lol? And no it wasn't intentional, I'm just a little more lax when it comes writing something which is not going to be critiqued.
5. "I am by no means going to tell you not to do that, but I am going to ask that you not do it to my stories"
I'm sorry you feel that way. I did put a lot of effort into editing the mentioned piece (something like 2 hours) and I would do the same for yours. However, if you don't want me critiquing your stories, that's totally fine. I'm just trying to help lol, I didn't mean to step on anyone's toes.
EDIT: Actually, as I re-read my edits I can see several things that I missed on my first pass.
EDIT: Ok, I fixed them.
Post by: Arx on April 07, 2015, 01:48:44 pm
I tend towards thinking the strictures of the language you're writing in are the only hard-and-fast rules of writing, and even those aren't hard or fast. This kind of conflicts with editing things according to a set of rules, even a good one. It's like editing poetry so that all the lines are end stopped and it rhymes in couplets; it's not inherently bad poetry, but...
I'm okay with rules, but thoroughly against following them in all circumstances and as though they cannot cause problems.
Please, critique away. As I said, everything you said that wasn't the editing I am okay with (and agree with), and I can see the reasoning behind the editing. I just have something of a knee-jerk reaction to a) rules claiming to be universally improving and b) editing of more than grammar. The latter is probably because almost all of my experience with it in my own stories has been bad.
On consideration, I should really just have gone with cherrypicking your edits if you did edit one of my stories and not brought this up. Oh well.
Post by: bahihs on April 07, 2015, 02:30:51 pm
Oh, I have no objection whatsoever to you critiquing my stories. I'd just prefer you didn't edit them. I guess it bothers me in part because I tend to choose my words very carefully based on connotations and stuff and be pretty protective of my writing. It's not just a statement that certain things need to be improved, it's a statement that you know exactly how to improve the things.
I tend towards thinking the strictures of the language you're writing in are the only hard-and-fast rules of writing, and even those aren't hard or fast. This kind of conflicts with editing things according to a set of rules, even a good one. It's like editing poetry so that all the lines are end stopped and it rhymes in couplets; it's not inherently bad poetry, but...
I'm okay with rules, but thoroughly against following them in all circumstances and as though they cannot cause problems.
Please, critique away. As I said, everything you said that wasn't the editing I am okay with (and agree with), and I can see the reasoning behind the editing. I just have something of a knee-jerk reaction to a) rules claiming to be universally improving and b) editing of more than grammar. The latter is probably because almost all of my experience with it in my own stories has been bad.
On consideration, I should really just have gone with cherrypicking your edits if you did edit one of my stories and not brought this up. Oh well.
I'm afraid I can't seriously critique any writing without editing it. 90% of my "critique" are the edits I make (90% of the time/effort is also spent on editing). You'll have to take the good with the bad, I'm afraid.
Word choice is important (if you look at the edited piece, I left in the adjective "towering" in "...towering ten feet height..." mostly because of the alteration and assonance) and I try to tiptoe around it when I can.
I don't think you should be protective of your writing, but I think that is more a difference in philosophy than anything else (I feel this stifles "style" and "voice"). It's also very difficult to do.
I don't know exactly how to improve things. In fact, in the edited piece, I have mostly kept the authors original words, only adding words to ensure grammatical correctness. Most of the time I've removed or rearranged the words. My edits are suggestions, not commandments. They are a starting point, not the finish line.
Rules are good things. You follow them until you see their purpose, then you break them as necessary. One of my favorite authors is James Joyce and he is one of the biggest rule-breakers there is (to the point that his writing is almost incomprehensible), but he can do that because he so thoroughly understands the purpose of the rules. The point is, none of us here are good enough to claim we don't need the rules (if we were why would we be here? We'd already be accomplished authors). In any case, the rules are more like guidelines: rails toward good writing, not a replacement for good writing.
Post by: Parsely on April 07, 2015, 02:52:57 pm
I'd just like to observe that I personally absolutely detest that style of critiquing. Everything that follows is entirely based on opinion:To me it seemed like an objective criticism (except for the bits about cliched mannerisms). He makes fundamental points using constructive editing. Run on sentences are grammatical errors and objectively wrong. It's no different than pointing out the mistakes with your finger and telling him about it. And aside from that, since when are we not supposed to offer our subjective opinions on a piece of writing based on the way we write?
I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but to me it looks like you've basically reworked the piece to use your writing voice, which is bad. Also, you've edited according to a completely arbitrary set of rules. So, uh, you've edited it to be in a combination of your voice and George Orwell's, which I'm inclined to say will only stifle creativity in writing style. Also, I know that I much prefer to be able to rework my own stories, and not be handed an edited version for two reasons: the first is that you as the editor don't understand the subtleties of the author's intentions, and the second is that it's (for me) better for improvement to work over the piece personally. (And I don't even know what this counts as except not particularly mature, but I find it amusing that you used the passive voice to criticise their use of passive voice. Was that intentional?)
I am by no means going to tell you not to do that, but I am going to ask that you not do it to my stories. Everything you said apart from the edited version I'm okay with, though.
Post by: Arx on April 07, 2015, 03:09:24 pm
At no point did I say it was objecticely bad, or at least I tried very hard to avoid giving that impression, and I stated repeatedly that I was okay with things like grammatical editing and that I agreed with the meat of their critique. I was very much triyng not to make it seem like they shouldn't ever offer criticism like that, but rather explain why I personally dislike it.
bahihs and everyone else, I apologise; this was poorly thought through. Can we go back to writing?
Post by: bahihs on April 07, 2015, 03:15:38 pm
There's a reason my post is liberally scattered with emphasis on the fact that it's my opinion, and why I'd rather not be critiqued like that. I explained why I disliked it, and in my second post said that I would actually probably be okay with it.
At no point did I say it was objecticely bad, or at least I tried very hard to avoid giving that impression, and I stated repeatedly that I was okay with things like grammatical editing and that I agreed with the meat of their critique. I was very much triyng not to make it seem like they shouldn't ever offer criticism like that, but rather explain why I personally dislike it.
bahihs and everyone else, I apologise; this was poorly thought through. Can we go back to writing?
Np Arx, water under the bridge (I never took offence in the first place, so nothing to apologize for). Lets get back to writing!
Post by: AlStar on April 08, 2015, 08:16:59 pm
Looking over your edits, I've got a problem with using too many adverbs - it's a known problem, which tends to come up in my first drafts. I also tend to repeat words, although it looks like I managed to mostly avoid that particular pitfall this time around.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 08, 2015, 09:16:20 pm
Anyways, take some poetry:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If you don't like poetry, take some flash fiction:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I've already had a workshop on this last piece and it's become apparent that there are some errors in paragraph formatting, which I have yet to fix, and also that it needs some cleaning up. But I figured i'd post it anyways. The original story was just about Diego and his sandals, but thing just kind of changed. I think I might rewrite it to focus more on the sandals and fix some POV problems.
Anyways, have fun, go to town, etc. etc. always looking for critique.
Post by: TD1 on April 08, 2015, 10:26:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: bahihs on April 08, 2015, 10:33:17 pm
Well, for what it's worth, I appreciate the time you put into looking at my piece bahihs - thanks.
Looking over your edits, I've got a problem with using too many adverbs - it's a known problem, which tends to come up in my first drafts. I also tend to repeat words, although it looks like I managed to mostly avoid that particular pitfall this time around.
No thanks necessary AlStar; its what we're all here for, after all :)
I have a bit of a cognitive bias against adjectives in that I think that the more you use them the more you tell and don't show. There's some basis in fact in it, but mostly it's just being picky. It is however, a good exercise to partake in; wherever you see an adjective in the story see if you can describe the action in a sentence or two to paint a more vivid image.
If you don't like poetry, take some flash fiction:
I've already had a workshop on this last piece and it's become apparent that there are some errors in paragraph formatting, which I have yet to fix, and also that it needs some cleaning up. But I figured i'd post it anyways. The original story was just about Diego and his sandals, but thing just kind of changed. I think I might rewrite it to focus more on the sandals and fix some POV problems.
Anyways, have fun, go to town, etc. etc. always looking for critique.
Spoiler: My edits to the story (click to show/hide)
No comment on the poetry (untamed animal, poetry).
Once again the critique is divided into two parts, writing and story.
See the above edits for the writing. I'll have to take another pass at it to be thorough but my initial impressions are: too many cliched expressions (I consider any metaphor which I've seen at least once, to be cliched), use of adverbs where a more descriptive verb would do (once or twice), too much vacillation ("seems" or "looked" instead of just "was"), use of passive voice in some places, and replacement of "said" with other verbs or adverbs. The descriptions are top notch, however.
As for the story, very interesting. I'm not 100% sure what the ending entails (if it's what I think it is, then it was a great twist) but everything is nicely paced (despite the length). Too short to say anything more.
Post by: bahihs on April 08, 2015, 10:41:32 pm
I'm curious, what or who are your favorite poems/poets? Your poems are very advanced when it comes to meter and rhyme; I'm curious to know who has bled on you.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 08, 2015, 11:01:10 pm
As for poetry, its cool that you don't want to critique it, but if I may ask, do you like more classical structure in poetry or are you all about that free verse poetry?
Post by: bahihs on April 08, 2015, 11:19:16 pm
Thanks for the critique and the compliment! Super helpful actually. Just have to collate with with what my teacher has written now.
As for poetry, its cool that you don't want to critique it, but if I may ask, do you like more classical structure in poetry or are you all about that free verse poetry?
No thanks necessary, but your very welcome :)
I wish I could say I love both but having tasted both, my tongue prefers classical rhyme and meter. There has only ever been two exceptions: the KJV bible (psalms, song of Solomon and Ecclesiastes in particular) and Whitman (who's stuff eerily reminds me of the KJV bible).
The more lyrical the poetry is (while still retaining its meaning) the better IMO. Poe, Tennyson, Blake, and Kipling are some of my favorite poets.
Post by: TD1 on April 09, 2015, 07:20:49 am
@Th4DwArfY1I finished Lord of the Rings two years ago about this time of year, and my favourite parts were the poems. So I started trying to write, and read some poetry too.
I'm curious, what or who are your favorite poems/poets? Your poems are very advanced when it comes to meter and rhyme; I'm curious to know who has bled on you.
I love Tennyson's Forward the Light Brigade,
Some of Yeat's stuff,
Do Not go Gentle Into That Good Night. (The only Thomas poem I like)
Walter de la Mare's The Listener's
Wordsworth (Daffodils!)
T.S Eliot's Wasteland.
And for a bit of variety, the odd Gerarld Manley Hopkins.
As a rule, I like ordered poetry with good rhymes that interweave well with the plot/story/theme. As a result, I suppose I try to shadow the classical greats. I'm particulary fond of some of the Romantic era poetry. The idealised view of the world is refreshing given today's cynicism.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 09, 2015, 08:51:05 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On the topic of structured versus free verse, I think I agree with you Bahihs, but what I write is generally a bit more free verse-y. In terms of actual structure, rhythm, and rhyming though I love Poe, Dickinson, and also Whitman. I also like tolkien's poetry. Once poems become aggressively rhyme-y or repetitive, even if they maintain their meaning/story, they lose me.
EDIT: Though I think I feel like writing something I little more well structured and rhyming.
Post by: bahihs on April 09, 2015, 02:02:33 pm
@Th4DwArfY1I finished Lord of the Rings two years ago about this time of year, and my favourite parts were the poems. So I started trying to write, and read some poetry too.
I'm curious, what or who are your favorite poems/poets? Your poems are very advanced when it comes to meter and rhyme; I'm curious to know who has bled on you.
I love Tennyson's Forward the Light Brigade,
Some of Yeat's stuff,
Do Not go Gentle Into That Good Night. (The only Thomas poem I like)
Walter de la Mare's The Listener's
Wordsworth (Daffodils!)
T.S Eliot's Wasteland.
And for a bit of variety, the odd Gerarld Manley Hopkins.
As a rule, I like ordered poetry with good rhymes that interweave well with the plot/story/theme. As a result, I suppose I try to shadow the classical greats. I'm particulary fond of some of the Romantic era poetry. The idealised view of the world is refreshing given today's cynicism.
I find your fondness of Romantic poetry hilariously ironic, considering that poetic cynicism arose, in part, as a response to Romanticism becoming too stale. How the wheel turns! And the cosmic ballet goes on...
May I recommend the poems of Poe (so poetic he's a poet to the "t"), if you haven't read them already? I personally like "Israfel" and "The Conqueror Worm". I consider Poe to be one of the true masters of rhyme and meter.
I posted this one a while back, but I don't think anyone gave me any critique on it. It's significantly more rhythmical with more consistent meter. Though the last verse diverges from the format entirely. But you might enjoy this one more. So here:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On the topic of structured versus free verse, I think I agree with you Bahihs, but what I write is generally a bit more free verse-y. In terms of actual structure, rhythm, and rhyming though I love Poe, Dickinson, and also Whitman. I also like tolkien's poetry. Once poems become aggressively rhyme-y or repetitive, even if they maintain their meaning/story, they lose me.
EDIT: Though I think I feel like writing something I little more well structured and rhyming.
I think the main thing with any sort of rhythmic structure is to ensure that there's no (what I like to call) "rhyme strain". That is, when the word choice or order is made awkward to fit the rhyme and meter. This is the hardest thing about writing structured poetry (I find) and its elimination is the best proof of poetic mastery.
For example, consider this stanza from Poe:
But see, amid the mimic rout,
A crawling shape intrude!
A blood-red thing that writhes from out
The scenic solitude!
It writhes!—it writhes!—with mortal pangs
The mimes become its food,
And seraphs sob at vermin fangs
In human gore imbued.
The line breaks are chosen to retain rhyming but also to prevent rhyme strain. Consider also, Tennyson:
A man upon a stall may find,
And, passing, turn the page that tells
A grief, then changed to something else,
Sung by a long-forgotten mind.
But what of that? My darken’d ways
Shall ring with music all the same;
To breathe my loss is more than fame,
To utter love more sweet than praise.
Again, the line breaks are chosen carefully to ensure "flow". The best poems are those that couldn't be written in any other way; where the rhyme scheme seems almost accidental, and the words fall in place like hummed notes in a half-finished tune. If the poet can push structure into the background, he has mastered it. Of course all this is merely my opinion, like I said, poetry is an untamed animal. It's difficult to find a foothold in a hurricane.
Its why I don't "measure" poetry; I don't believe poetry is written for anyone other than the poet (or shouldn't be, anyway). If the poet is satisfied, it is enough.
Post by: Angle on April 10, 2015, 06:04:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on April 10, 2015, 07:52:08 pm
Post by: bahihs on April 10, 2015, 09:08:17 pm
So I wrote a thing. It seems kinda meh, though...
*Cracks knuckles* Lets get to it!
Spoiler: My edits to the story (click to show/hide)
As usual two parts, writing and story:
Writing: Avoided most of the cardinal sins which was good. Some tense shenanigans but general avoidance of unnecessary qualifiers. Some cliched expressions, but the dialog is simple and to point (i.e good) as is most of the writing.
Story: Pretty cool. I'd like to see more before I do any serious critique (i.e where are you going with this?).
EDIT: I'm going to use a different set of marks for the edits as [] seem to have strange effects with certain characters. So the new set is:
(string) = Add (string)
{string}->{nstring} = rearrange/replace string as nstring
#string# = string is a comment
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 10, 2015, 09:20:37 pm
The Mantle Falls: Introduction
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Any specific grammar that needs work or just all of it? I understand it was painful to read but thank you for whoever reads it and can give helpful comments.
Post by: bahihs on April 10, 2015, 10:29:42 pm
So I'm trying to work on my descriptiveness, help wanted, coments and criticism welcome.
Any specific grammar that needs work or just all of it? I understand it was painful to read but thank you for whoever reads it and can give helpful comments.
Two in one day? *Puts on shades* Here we go. Yeeeeaaaaahhhh!
Spoiler: My edits (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 11, 2015, 12:40:19 am
Post by: Angle on April 11, 2015, 01:15:21 am
Spoiler: My edits to the story (click to show/hide)
Hmm. So mostly you're edits look pretty good, but a few puzzle me. In particular, many of them seem like they're designed to make the writing sound more generic, and less characterised? I went ahead and selected the relevant sections in red. Is this a thing people are advised to do when writing? Because I was actually going in rather the opposite direction with this snippet, and trying to exaggerate that kind of thing.
Post by: bahihs on April 11, 2015, 09:52:25 am
Spoiler: My edits to the story (click to show/hide)
Hmm. So mostly you're edits look pretty good, but a few puzzle me. In particular, many of them seem like they're designed to make the writing sound more generic, and less characterised? I went ahead and selected the relevant sections in red. Is this a thing people are advised to do when writing? Because I was actually going in rather the opposite direction with this snippet, and trying to exaggerate that kind of thing.
That is on purpose, the idea is to get to a generic base and then discuss with the writer where he wants to take it. Some of those I was hesitant on (especially "warbling") but others I removed because I could (rule #3). Generally adverbs should be avoided and replaced with a unique metaphor or specific verb. Its important to be overactive on this point so that the bad habit is never developed and adverbs/adjectives are used only when necessary. That said, "screech like a (so-and-so)" would be better (and more descriptive) than "(adverb) screech".
Other things you've highlighted, I felt did not fall into the above. For instance "...really embarrassing" contains a qualifier ("really") which is bad. Instead if you must emphasize how terrible the embarrassment would be, use a metaphor (a unique one!) or just use a stronger verb, like "mortifying" (this is the place to bust out those specific words). The "really" doesn't add much to meaning of the sentence here, its a thing you say to fill up space.
In other places I've removed what I call "Addison constructions", these are phrases which are indecisive and hesitant (Addison, because "He who hesitates is lost"). So things like "It was looking like" or "no less than" are vacillating constructions that are not very strong. They should be used for subtle things like sarcasm, not for statements of fact.
I also tried to eliminate redundancy in meaning, e.g "could probably" was replaced with "might", but deleting "probably" would have also worked ("probably" is one of the qualifiers described above). Finally, the last mark is given to avoid the habit of using anything other than "said", "asked", or "replied" after the dialog. This is to force you to empower and characterize the dialog rather than tack on an adjective. If she really growled, add a little "Grr", if that doesn't fit (it doesn't) then you can use a statement of fact or a metaphor to indicate her mood (facial expression, body language, etc.). Ideally, emotion should be displayed by dialog (in practice, this is difficult to do), if that's not possible, use statements of fact. But make sure to sever the statement from the end of the dialog no "said painfully" or "asked ruefully" etc.
One more word about dialog (which I think you did very well in this piece), dialog is the place to break all the rules. People speak in less-than-economical ways so its fine to use qualifiers, adjectives, adverbs etc. etc. to characterize the spoken words.
If anything is unclear, please tell me and I'll try to clear it up. Also, if there is a place where I have misinterpreted the meaning, tell me that also and we can work on it together.
Post by: bahihs on April 14, 2015, 10:59:47 pm
Post by: hops on April 16, 2015, 02:25:57 am
Writing Prompts Contest Result
Sorry for taking so long. I need someone to help me with the submission. Like, seriously. I'm not good at commenting on things. Unless somebody is helping me I have to say this will have to be the last time I run the contest.
Spoiler: Prompt 1, FINISHED! (click to show/hide)
I find the introduction a bit meandering and the shift in timeframe was a bit jarring, with the discussion between the Porters being detailed and the rest of Hansel's life being skimmed over really fast. At times the worldbuilding is just a bit distracting and kind of pointless. The little asides are interesting, but most of the time they just don't seem to serve any point apart from padding.
I appreciate the humor, but especially at my current state I found it a bit tedious to read through, and I think the problem is mostly from the pacing and the lack of any compelling buildup.
Prompt 1Spoiler: Karma is a truthful lie (click to show/hide)
I think your idea of a Karma here is a bit jumbled up, or maybe I'm just not perceptive enough to pick out the underlying theme. It feels like the monster's decision between the two options would have been stronger if it made its choice by itself and not without Karma's guidance. Something like a moral quandary between going to a better place or making the people suffer.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This was intended to be a bit of an experiment in writing in the style of the Bantu oral tradition. It, uh, didn't exactly play out like that.
I'm not sure whether I like it; I'd really appreciate any criticism anyone feels like throwing at it.
Also I guess it's kind of for Prompt One.
I... kind of lost track what was happening. Sorry. I liked the sound in the first bit though. I just felt like things would be a bit more understandable if there was more of a logic underlying it. Like, even in folk tales, there's some kind logic to it, no matter how whimsical. I kind of got confused already by the end of the second paragraph because random things were happening.
Spoiler: Ripple (click to show/hide)
Yeah, I don't know what I'm writing. Just really wanted to write poetry for some reason. It's about a guy who got mad at his boss and got fired, his life sucked, but he turned it around, blah blah. It's really cliche and everything. I don't know if you can write poetry for the prompt, but if you can, then this is my entry. If you can't, well, then it isn't and it's just for fun.
I feel really brain-dead. It took me more than an hour just to write that.
I'm not good at commenting on poetry, sorry. It was inspiring though.
Result
1. bahihs
2. Cheesecake
3. GiglameshDespair
4. Arx
Post by: bahihs on April 16, 2015, 10:52:40 am
I'm a little confused at how I came in first despite your abject dislike of the work (I'm not complaining mind you ;)). If you could include some things I did correctly it would help me figure out my strengths and weaknesses. This was mostly an experiment in satire (I've never written any comedy before) so I'm wondering what you mean by "I appreciate the humor, but especially at my current state I found it a bit tedious". So it wasn't funny? Or in bad taste? Or...?
But anyway, I'd like to take on managing the contest (or start my own).
Post by: zubb2 on April 16, 2015, 05:51:11 pm
I too wish to be critiqued. Anybody know any sites where the main thingy is writing projects, like deviant art but writing.
Here's the short story. All the tags in there are mainly to help me remember what I was doing, I might get rid of them later.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT: I am bad with names so I just use ones I've used over and over in many different things. It's not supposed to be me.
EDIT: For grammar.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 16, 2015, 05:58:58 pm
Hey people, I'm not doing anything for a contest, but I do have a bit of writing I've been thinking about for a while.
I too wish to be critiqued. Anybody know any sites where the main thingy is writing projects, like deviant art but writing.
Here's the short story. All the tags in there are mainly to help me remember what I was doing, I might get rid of them later.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT: I am bad with names so I just use ones I've used over and over in many different things. It's not supposed to be me.
Check your spelling and grammar. There's a lot of mistakes.
Storys should be stories. Burried should be buried.
So on and so forth.
Fix that first.
Post by: zubb2 on April 16, 2015, 06:27:13 pm
I think I got most of them.
Post by: hops on April 16, 2015, 06:48:07 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 16, 2015, 06:48:44 pm
I mean, what's important is the story. A great story, even with less-then-great punctuation/grammar/spelling etc. is still very enjoyable. You yourself are undertaking a world building project and should understand that it's the idea that matters most. In the end, I'd just like to throw in my two cents and say I wouldn't want this thread become the "Spell Check & Paper Editing" thread.
(The soft word limit I fully endorse, because frankly, I believe my creative writing teacher went mad looong ago from reading endless short stories. Either way, if you take over, best of luck friend.)
Post by: hops on April 16, 2015, 06:50:44 pm
Unless you want H.P. Lovecraft turning your high fantasy into horror.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 16, 2015, 06:52:37 pm
Yeah, I try not to judge much on the grammar side of it because that's the sort of thing you hire an editor to help you out when you try to publish things. You can't get an editor to help you improve on your creative writing, however.
Unless you want H.P. Lovecraft turning your high fantasy into horror.
Lol, worst editor ever.
"I believe it needs more eldritch horror."
Post by: hops on April 16, 2015, 06:54:53 pm
Post by: bahihs on April 16, 2015, 07:50:45 pm
@Bahihs, since i'm not a very frequent poster I don't want to say much, but I would like to say that if you really want to judge creative writing, then judge the creative side of it. I.E. Plot, character development, and generally stuff more related to good stories rather than good spelling and grammar. Of course, if spelling and grammar in a story are exceptionally bad, to the point that is significantly ruining the story, than by all means comment on it, and of course i'm not all against it in critique, especially since we all can't have our own editors, but if you're going write that critique then also critique the craft elements.
I mean, what's important is the story. A great story, even with less-then-great punctuation/grammar/spelling etc. is still very enjoyable. You yourself are undertaking a world building project and should understand that it's the idea that matters most. In the end, I'd just like to throw in my two cents and say I wouldn't want this thread become the "Spell Check & Paper Editing" thread.
(The soft word limit I fully endorse, because frankly, I believe my creative writing teacher went mad looong ago from reading endless short stories. Either way, if you take over, best of luck friend.)
Yeah, I try not to judge much on the grammar side of it because that's the sort of thing you hire an editor to help you out when you try to publish things. You can't get an editor to help you improve on your creative writing, however.
Unless you want H.P. Lovecraft turning your high fantasy into horror.
The problem with this is that its completely subjective and therefore difficult to judge without bias. The most I can do in this regard is comment on the originality of the ideas (whether something is cliched or unique) but any thing beyond that begins to encroach on opinion which is shaky ground to pass judgement from. Also, the purpose of this thread (as I understand it, from reading the OP) is to help people improve their writing, not necessarily their creativity. The former is not hard to improve or teach (it requires practice and understanding of some concrete ideas) but the latter is more or less impossible. You can teach knowledge, you cannot teach imagination (I could be wrong, and I'd love to be; share your theories if you think otherwise).
I also take the opposite stance regarding writing vs. story, if the writing is good enough the story doesn't matter. The story can be the simplest, most cliched piece of drivel you've ever read, but if it was penned by a genius hand it will never disappoint. On the other hand, there are many people who have fantastic imaginations but whose boundless creativity is crippled by less-than-fantastic writing. You need to have a mastery of your medium first, before you talk about creativity.
That said, I don't want this thread becoming the "spell-check and paper editing" thread either so I'll cut back on the editing (spelling and grammar aren't even the problem most of the time, its syntax). But the point is, you can't get anyone to improve your creativity, editor or otherwise; and I'd rather focus on things which give definite improvement than give arbitrary critique on story elements (which is often difficult to follow up on).
I'd be nice if we can go on Google or whatever and discuss each submissions with each other. Normally I do that with Tiruin but she's usually too busy nowadays. I'm very indecisive when I do them by myself.
We can use PM's if you like, I prefer them since I'm online at random times (which doesn't give much opportunity for instant messaging type things).
Anyway. I believe I have to give two new prompts? Here they are:
1. Write something funny about something serious and taboo (e.g genocide, infanticide, cannibalism, torture etc.)
2. Take the dullest/most ordinary occupation you can think of (e.g plumber) add something fantastical (e.g aliens) and then write about it
Post by: zubb2 on April 16, 2015, 08:28:50 pm
2. Take the dullest/most ordinary occupation you can think of (e.g plumber) add something fantastical (e.g aliens) and then write about it
QUOTED
UNQUOTED
What you mean mario?
Post by: TD1 on April 17, 2015, 01:17:07 pm
That hides within each mind,
You know just what I mean, life is a tapestry
That can reveal or blind.
Two things I found today, one sad the other glad
And I will truss them up in threads of gold
And keep them there, the good and bad,
Until I'm stooped and old.
Death came on wings of black and stole away
A piece of me, but gave me back
A piece of day.
But why?
I've tried to cast my doubts away, but hear the wings
The thud, thud thud of doom
Inside my head it is, it rings
And fills the darkened room.
I've tried to find my certainty within the tapestry,
But ropes of colour hold me there
And blind me to the good, show me the misery;
The evil that has robbed me of the fair.
Darkness creeps upon the stair
And whiteness creeps within my hair,
But is it youth or age or care
And should I be happy, or beware?
Post by: bahihs on April 19, 2015, 12:45:32 am
Spoiler: The Card Players (click to show/hide)
Post by: bahihs on April 19, 2015, 12:52:23 pm
Cast doubts away and find the certainty
That hides within each mind,
You know just what I mean, life is a tapestry
That can reveal or blind.
Two things I found today, one sad the other glad
And I will truss them up in threads of gold
And keep them there, the good and bad,
Until I'm stooped and old.
Death came on wings of black and stole away
A piece of me, but gave me back
A piece of day.
But why?
I've tried to cast my doubts away, but hear the wings
The thud, thud thud of doom
Inside my head it is, it rings
And fills the darkened room.
I've tried to find my certainty within the tapestry,
But ropes of colour hold me there
And blind me to the good, show me the misery;
The evil that has robbed me of the fair.
Darkness creeps upon the stair
And whiteness creeps within my hair,
But is it youth or age or care
And should I be happy, or beware?
God damn Th4DwArfY1, this is great! I'd personally remove some words:
Cast doubts away and find the certainty
That hides within each mind,
You know just what I mean, life is a tapestry
That can reveal or blind.
Two things I found today, one sad the other glad
And I will truss them up in threads of gold
And keep them there, the good and bad,
Until I'm stooped and old.
Death came on wings of black and stole away
A piece of me, but gave me back
A piece of day.
But why?
I've tried to cast my doubts away, but hear the wings
The thud, thud thud of doom
Inside my head
And fills the darkened room.
I've tried to find my certainty within the tapestry,
But ropes of colour hold me there
And blind me to the good, show me
The evil
Darkness creeps upon the stair
And whiteness creeps within my hair,
But is it youth or age or care
And should I be happy, or beware?
But these are just personal preference, pay them no heed. This poem is fantastic though, the rhyme and meter and especially the last stanza. Simply sublime. Keep it up!
Post by: TD1 on April 19, 2015, 03:33:22 pm
Post by: adwarf on April 23, 2015, 12:53:17 am
Spoiler: Dream of an End (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on May 04, 2015, 12:42:34 am
It's a Steven Universe vignette, I guess.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fniff on May 07, 2015, 04:39:34 pm
Spoiler: SVEN IS LIFE: A Story of Worship and Hunger (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on May 12, 2015, 02:30:02 pm
By love and magic and purpose.
Of love and hope and candid dreams-
It held a treasured surplus.
For ay, a small thing brought it forth
And it was small as tears,
But ah, the power wrought to make it so,
The glowing hopes, the battled fears!
A simple mind wrought it, small hands made it,
Big heart conceived and big love made
The furnace fires of passion brought it here
And in its form the best of Dark and Light were wed.
Why should the small not make a small thing great,
When larger men bring great works low?
A smaller hope may yet make greater things
Than fruitful dreams that wise men know.
A sliver of the self went into this thing's craft,
The world saw, bent its head, and wept-
For in it the poor and small had made a raft,
While those who moved the world all slept.
Edit: Eh, wrote another cause why not.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: FallacyofUrist on May 16, 2015, 08:38:05 am
Spoiler: Nemeses (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on May 21, 2015, 02:26:28 am
Spoiler: Paperwork (click to show/hide)
Comments and critique are welcome! Mostly just wanted to get this down from mind to canvas.
Post by: Sebastian2203 on May 22, 2015, 02:55:01 pm
So I hope I wont screw up anything.
I wrote a 3K word story, it is unfinished, and I would like to get some honest criticism.
https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3252777/1/Erebia-not-responding (https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3252777/1/Erebia-not-responding)
Click NEXT for next chapter.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 22, 2015, 03:12:48 pm
Warhammer 40k fanfic about the Administratum, written by a retired expedition captain.Spoiler: Paperwork (click to show/hide)
Comments and critique are welcome! Mostly just wanted to get this down from mind to canvas.
Heh. I liked the end.
Post by: Servant Corps on May 23, 2015, 06:13:46 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on May 23, 2015, 09:04:36 pm
I liked the end of "Paperwork" too, but I do think it dwelled too much on the military strategy of the platoon and too little about the absurdity of sending military troops down to retrieve paperwork. I also think there needs to be a better reason for why the mutants are down there too. That ruined the immersion for me.
In the grim darkness of the far future their is only mutants and paperwork.
... and occasionally war.
Post by: sjm9876 on May 24, 2015, 05:42:29 am
This just happened to me in a game. If you can guess which one it is, you win a cookie....I did not come here looking for agar fanfic. However, you have made me pleased that this is a thing.Spoiler: SVEN IS LIFE: A Story of Worship and Hunger (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on May 24, 2015, 05:45:38 am
Post by: pedrousz on May 25, 2015, 07:55:15 pm
Anyway. I believe I have to give two new prompts? Here they are:I'm not a native english speaker, so I guess I might be jumping on a lion's cage but I want to try it. If my grammar is so bad that you can't read or my phrase so awkward that you cringe please tell me, I have no idea were my english are at the moment (although I'm certain that my grammar is far for perfect and my vocabulary not big enough).
1. Write something funny about something serious and taboo (e.g genocide, infanticide, cannibalism, torture etc.)
2. Take the dullest/most ordinary occupation you can think of (e.g plumber) add something fantastical (e.g aliens) and then write about it
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I wrote this on like one hour, there is a lot of things that I could change to add to the mood and I had to stole a Borges' idea because he already had all the biggest for himself (and because I really suck at endings). There are also two phrases that are from god himself aka borges
pls be gentle
Post by: bahihs on May 25, 2015, 08:05:10 pm
In a way some of the "grammatical errors" actually create a stream-of-consciousness-like flavor to it which is interesting. There are some errors which need to be addressed however and I'll give it a more thorough look tomorrow, but otherwise, very impressive for a non-native.
The details are especially compelling and the story is unique (to me). Bravo sir (or lady), bravo.
Post by: hops on May 29, 2015, 07:34:46 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: adwarf on June 14, 2015, 04:09:47 am
Spoiler: Oath of the Fallen (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on June 15, 2015, 01:39:07 pm
And shadows held the ground
When through the sound of oaken leaves
I heard a rousing sound.
A flute played high upon the wind
As stirringly as sin
And there she sat, all silver limbed,
The fair Felurian.
Her eyes were like a silent pool-
Not wide, nor long, but deep;
And though she smiled and laughed for me
I felt the need to weep.
All rounded shape and flowing form
Felurian came nigh,
Her hair the shade of raven's wing,
He eyes the hue of sky.
Ten thousand years and more I saw,
So wise, so old, so young;
Felurian! The muse of bards
Whose songs are sweetly sung.
I went with her, or course, to Fae
And saw the Twilit Woods
Where trees the size of mountains rise
And plants have silver buds.
My sylvan maid! Ah, form made pure.
You break the men who come,
For they are candles in the breeze
And you the rising sun
Post by: WillowLuman on June 17, 2015, 10:46:38 am
A bereaved parent uses crowdfunding to raise money for a reward to catch their child's murderer
Post by: Calidovi on June 17, 2015, 10:09:33 pm
Post by: Cheesecake on June 21, 2015, 02:51:55 am
-snip-
That's really good, dude! Really enchanting.
A random idea I had:
A bereaved parent uses crowdfunding to raise money for a reward to catch their child's murderer
Mind if I put a spin on that and turn it into a supernatural mystery? :P
Spoiler: Above, Below, Between, Beyond (click to show/hide)
Tell me what you guys think! Sorry if it's a bit long. I hope the length doesn't turn away readers.
Post by: hops on June 21, 2015, 10:11:40 pm
Spoiler: Tag, you're IT (click to show/hide)
Post by: WillowLuman on June 21, 2015, 11:50:31 pm
Post by: Cheesecake on June 22, 2015, 12:29:20 am
I was worried near the end it would be like M Night Shymalan. Next time I'll plan it out and keep it paced. Thanks for your feedback!
Post by: Arx on June 25, 2015, 02:12:41 pm
Spoiler: Anyway, I wrote another five hundred words (click to show/hide)
Post by: itisnotlogical on July 05, 2015, 04:31:12 pm
Non fiction, no exaggeration, #nofilter
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Calidovi on July 05, 2015, 04:39:27 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spooky.
What I recommend, though, is for that little description of the odd family to have sparse details when they take the order, and then more twisted, crude, ugly details once they start holding up the line. When you say they had "big, soft, brown eyes", that really contrasted against how you revealed your feelings about their actions near the end. This is a small nitpick, though, as I liked how you took this rather mundane evil many of us experience and crafted it into a worthwhile story. I enjoyed reading it.
Post by: Cheesecake on July 06, 2015, 08:41:48 am
#nofilter
I lol'ed.
Spoiler: Grumpylump (click to show/hide)
I don't know what I'm writing really. Just tired.
Post by: Emma on July 07, 2015, 08:52:04 pm
Spoiler: Grumpylump (click to show/hide)
I don't know what I'm writing really. Just tired.
Damn. You should write while tired more often :P. Seriously, I liked this story, I liked it a lot.
Post by: TD1 on July 10, 2015, 08:24:53 pm
Spoiler: Don't even know anymore (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on July 10, 2015, 08:29:57 pm
Spoiler: Grumpylump (click to show/hide)
I don't know what I'm writing really. Just tired.
Damn. You should write while tired more often :P. Seriously, I liked this story, I liked it a lot.
Aw, thanks man!
Post by: Digital Hellhound on July 13, 2015, 09:28:59 am
I have some single scenes to throw here, too, of course. I've been ignoring this thread for way too long anyway. It's a nice place.
Post by: TD1 on July 13, 2015, 09:30:48 am
Post by: Arx on July 15, 2015, 10:51:02 am
#nofilter
I lol'ed.Spoiler: Grumpylump (click to show/hide)
I don't know what I'm writing really. Just tired.
Man, I liked this. What a tweest!
Spoiler: Don't even know anymore (click to show/hide)
I like this, too. :P
In particular, I like the way you've got the romantic (in the sense of the romantics, not as in love) style without it being overbearing.
What's the policy of this thread (or, rather, the helpful people here giving comments-criticism) on longer pieces? Asking someone to spend time and energy on something that takes more than ten minutes to read is a bit much, I know, but I'd like feedback on more than a single scene or short story. I've got a 6800-word start of a novel, a 20,000-word 1/3-novel and one 8000-word start of a novel that would probably benefit from a critical eye.
I have some single scenes to throw here, too, of course. I've been ignoring this thread for way too long anyway. It's a nice place.
I'd be down for that. Might be a little bit before I get to them, but I'd be willing to.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What I recommend, though, is for that little description of the odd family to have sparse details when they take the order, and then more twisted, crude, ugly details once they start holding up the line. When you say they had "big, soft, brown eyes", that really contrasted against how you revealed your feelings about their actions near the end. This is a small nitpick, though, as I liked how you took this rather mundane evil many of us experience and crafted it into a worthwhile story. I enjoyed reading it.
It's an interesting juxtaposition, though, and to me it evokes soft-boiled egg more than soft-hearted and compassionate in context. I agree with your first suggestion, though.
Edit: I like this prompt:
"Grab the book, magazine, or newspaper nearest you and open up to a random page. Start your story with the first line at the top of the page and end your story with the last line at the bottom of the page."
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It doesn't go anywhere, it probably makes no sense without all the random snippets of context floating around in my head, and I had to alter the supposedly directly quoted lines to make it fit, but eh. I wrote something.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on July 18, 2015, 10:46:04 pm
Post by: Emma on July 19, 2015, 12:06:46 am
So can I submit one of my forum games/interactive stories for review here?
I don't see the problem with that. In fact I'll read over it for you but you should expect some inexperienced criticism because I am an inexperienced critic. But if everyone is cool with a game like that being posted I might post my IF game myself.
"Grab the book, magazine, or newspaper nearest you and open up to a random page. Start your story with the first line at the top of the page and end your story with the last line at the bottom of the page."
I'm doing this. The book's
Spoiler: Spoilered for those who like mystery (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you think :P? I'm ashamed to say that this is probably some of the best writing I've ever done and it's not very good. This, of course, means that criticism is very much welcome.
Post by: Arx on July 20, 2015, 02:06:01 pm
So can I submit one of my forum games/interactive stories for review here?
Hey, as long as it's writing I don't see a problem. As long as the forum game stuff doesn't drown out the other writing stuff, anyway. That would be okay, but a bit weird.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It could use a pass for typos and grammar ('its' possesive doesn't take an apostrophe, for instance).
Remember to show, not tell. Especially with the greenery - rather than adding a statement about it, mention that the bushes were 'lush' or 'thriving' (or such a term) and let the implications fill the reader in.
The most useful thing to do in almost every situation is to read, and think about what the author is doing and why they do it. Look for good books, especially in styles and genres you don't read much.
Post by: Generally me on July 20, 2015, 02:58:38 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Can someone give me feedback especially on punctuation because I'm still not sure when to use all these ; : -
Post by: GiglameshDespair on July 20, 2015, 03:33:26 pm
Spoiler: Generally Me feedback (click to show/hide)
- Green is where you had the wrong tense. You had a mixture of past and present tense. As you start in past, I took the liberty of correcting it all to past tense. Don't mix your tenses! It makes the whole thing look messy.
- Red indicates a grammatical error or generally stilted writing.
- Blue indicates odd word choice. The first "Owwww." seems odd, and stumbling onto your feet from sitting odd doesn't sit right as generally stumbling is falling over. I'm not sure what you were going for with "gripped my legs". Did you mean it literally, or...?
Post by: Generally me on July 20, 2015, 03:44:26 pm
Also thank you for putting the effort in to examine all that. I always tend to mix up my tenses.
and i can't believe how many mistakes i made. Also the stumbled was meant to show how clumsy he was at getting up, but i see what you mean.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on July 20, 2015, 03:59:48 pm
-snip-Always capitalise the singular I.
When it comes to speech, start each person's line on a new line.
"This dog tastes funny," she said. has a comma.
She said "I hate eating dog." has a full stop.
In a larger example:
"This pork tastes odd," she said, "got a real funny taste to it."
I scowled. "Don't complain. Meat's been rare since the super-plague that destroyed civilisation."
"Well, it does taste funny," she muttered again, sullenly.
Little did she know it wasn't pork at all; the only thing the trap had managed to catch was a clown.
Shitty joke, ho!
Post by: Generally me on July 20, 2015, 04:02:29 pm
Post by: Arx on July 21, 2015, 01:53:39 pm
i actually removed the horse bit because i thought it took away from the fluidity.
Fluidity's great, but make sure that you don't leave your reader floundering amid a bunch of elegantly sketched lines that don't quite seem to make a drawing. Maybe in a case like that go for an intransitive verb (doesn't need an object) instead - say 'tensed my legs' or 'flexed my legs', rather. It keeps the flow without cutting much information out.
I was going to post something here, but it was terrible. Welp.
Post by: Emma on July 21, 2015, 05:37:44 pm
It could use a pass for typos and grammar ('its' possesive doesn't take an apostrophe, for instance).
Remember to show, not tell. Especially with the greenery - rather than adding a statement about it, mention that the bushes were 'lush' or 'thriving' (or such a term) and let the implications fill the reader in.
The most useful thing to do in almost every situation is to read, and think about what the author is doing and why they do it. Look for good books, especially in styles and genres you don't read much.
Thank you! Yeah, I need to get a little better at grammar and going over my work would probably help with that. With show not tell are there certain cases in which you should tell and not show?
Here's another story about magic and spells.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: FallacyofUrist on July 21, 2015, 06:00:28 pm
Post by: Calidovi on July 21, 2015, 09:33:34 pm
Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)
I'm not the best and I would've written more if I had the time, but could you all weigh in? It's unfinished and unpolished, I know, but could you all judge it from what is there?
EDIT: No critique? :'(
Post by: Emma on July 21, 2015, 10:44:05 pm
Err... I may have forgotten to add my 2 cents. I agree with this critique for the most part, probably because it's good critique, but I actually disagree with the part about gripped. To me that made sense and while that may be because I read the discussion further on it still made sense to me. Anyway, make sure you capitalise the letters at the start of a sentence and practice and you'll be right.Spoiler: Generally Me feedback (click to show/hide)
- Green is where you had the wrong tense. You had a mixture of past and present tense. As you start in past, I took the liberty of correcting it all to past tense. Don't mix your tenses! It makes the whole thing look messy.
- Red indicates a grammatical error or generally stilted writing.
- Blue indicates odd word choice. The first "Owwww." seems odd, and stumbling onto your feet from sitting odd doesn't sit right as generally stumbling is falling over. I'm not sure what you were going for with "gripped my legs". Did you mean it literally, or...?
Short but sweet. I like it.
Thanks!
Post by: Arx on July 22, 2015, 11:45:01 am
It could use a pass for typos and grammar ('its' possesive doesn't take an apostrophe, for instance).
Remember to show, not tell. Especially with the greenery - rather than adding a statement about it, mention that the bushes were 'lush' or 'thriving' (or such a term) and let the implications fill the reader in.
The most useful thing to do in almost every situation is to read, and think about what the author is doing and why they do it. Look for good books, especially in styles and genres you don't read much.
Thank you! Yeah, I need to get a little better at grammar and going over my work would probably help with that. With show not tell are there certain cases in which you should tell and not show?
Here's another story about magic and spells.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This is nice. It might be improved a little by some more variation in diction, but it's good as it stands.
As for telling not showing- All I can say is to play it by ear. If it seems right to go with a more deliberate style, do.
Alright, confession time: I'm stuck in a terrible writing rut. I can't seem to come up with anything fresh that sparks my imagination and lets me write it out nicely. Anyone have any suggestions, advice, past experience, etcetera?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on July 22, 2015, 02:11:19 pm
Spoiler: In Media Res story snippet (click to show/hide)
Arx: have you tried prompt generators, and writing something based on what they give you? If you really can't come up with anything even then... don't worry. Just take a break from writing for a while, and when you feel like writing again, give it another go.
Post by: Generally me on July 22, 2015, 02:39:07 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on July 22, 2015, 02:40:23 pm
Post by: TD1 on July 22, 2015, 03:30:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: adwarf on July 22, 2015, 03:31:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on July 22, 2015, 03:44:16 pm
I ended up writing this when I was writing lore for a setting I'm working on, and figured I'd share it.Your sentences tend to run on. It'd read smoother with more punctuation.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
For example:
There once was a King who ruled a prosperous land that was the envy of all other rulers, it was a peaceful land and the people loved their young King who governed them with wisdom, and kindness no matter their standing.
reads better as
There once was a King who ruled a prosperous land that was the envy of all other rulers. It was a peaceful land, and the people loved their young King - who governed them with wisdom and kindness, no matter their standing.
A few bits are odd. You describe him often as a young king, but also that he ruled his people "for so long". I don't think you should have repeated "ash and embers". Use ash, then embers in the next, and it'd probably be better.
A bit clunky, but decent. Just needs a bit of shaping up.
-----
Edit: as requested. I didn't change too much words-wise, since it is your writing, but I did alter a little.
Spoiler: Full go through (click to show/hide)
Post by: UXLZ on July 22, 2015, 06:37:24 pm
A small Haiku since I don't have time to write anything else. I may have already put this one in here (or something extremely similar) though, I can't remember.
Silence! Still your breath.
Beneath the waves, this trembling.
Dead things in the deep.
Post by: Parsely on July 22, 2015, 08:25:22 pm
Driving past a bridge in the lake district. Bonus points to me- I wrote it on my phone. I'm not phonedextrous :PThat's really good.Needless to say, it's not literal.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: sjm9876 on July 23, 2015, 09:00:00 am
@ Dwarfy. Very nice. Can't really comment in depth sadly, as poetry isn't my thing.
Anyway, as I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing, random prompt story inbound.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Calidovi on July 23, 2015, 09:29:10 am
Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)
I'm not the best and I would've written more if I had the time, but could you all weigh in? It's unfinished and unpolished, I know, but could you all judge it from what is there?
Post by: Arx on July 23, 2015, 09:33:36 am
Post by: Calidovi on July 23, 2015, 09:38:25 am
I was getting there. I just have a small problem with reviewing more than one story at a time (which is ridiculous): my phone lags out if I try to edit a post containing more than a couple of short paragraphs. Yeah.
Yeah, sorry. I was slightly irritated that there were critics about but my work wasn't being reviewed, but I guess that's my selfish side taking over. Forgive me.
Post by: sjm9876 on July 23, 2015, 10:06:06 am
-snip-Hadn't actually read that far back.
Reading over it, the one thing that springs most to mind is that at the start I'm not really sure who's speaking.
Otherwise, nice :) (I'm assuming you're going for very strong accents, if not you may want to tone them down a touch :P )
Post by: Calidovi on July 23, 2015, 10:10:40 am
-snip-Hadn't actually read that far back.
Reading over it, the one thing that springs most to mind is that at the start I'm not really sure who's speaking.
Otherwise, nice :) (I'm assuming you're going for very strong accents, if not you may want to tone them down a touch :P )
Thanks, I'll clarify the dialogue in the original.
Yeah, I wanted to make strong accents, but you let me realize that my words shifted from accented to idiosyncratic.
Post by: Arx on July 23, 2015, 01:49:15 pm
Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)
I've highlighted some points in green. The first is where the description of his teeth struck me as odd - it almost seems to imply that he can point his teeth at will, which is weird.
The second is where your choice of words seemed a bit weird. I'm not sure what you mean by his contract 'arguing against it', and 'technically for the law'.
It seems to me 'drunkedly' should be 'drunkenly', but eh. Lastly, I assume that's a typo and it should be 'Wilson'.
Also, you could profitably make it clear that some of those are Wilson thinking to himself, preferably by italicising the way you did the last line. I thought you had some tense confusion going on on my second read-through, and then looked more closely and saw it was apparently his thoughts.
Post by: Generally me on July 23, 2015, 05:02:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Calidovi on July 23, 2015, 07:56:55 pm
Spoiler: Toying with Dialogue (click to show/hide)
I've highlighted some points in green. The first is where the description of his teeth struck me as odd - it almost seems to imply that he can point his teeth at will, which is weird.
The second is where your choice of words seemed a bit weird. I'm not sure what you mean by his contract 'arguing against it', and 'technically for the law'.
It seems to me 'drunkedly' should be 'drunkenly', but eh. Lastly, I assume that's a typo and it should be 'Wilson'.
Also, you could profitably make it clear that some of those are Wilson thinking to himself, preferably by italicising the way you did the last line. I thought you had some tense confusion going on on my second read-through, and then looked more closely and saw it was apparently his thoughts.
Thanks for the help. I'm not a very talented writer, but it's something that interests me.
EDIT: After reviewing the things, I'd agree that this is laden with typos, something I should of reviewed. Some of the things like the pointed teeth make more sense in context, but not I agree that I need to get started on some hefty rewording. Dialogue is not my strong point.
Post by: Twinwolf on July 24, 2015, 07:54:46 pm
Post by: sjm9876 on July 25, 2015, 01:14:23 pm
Spoiler: Another prompt inspired piece (click to show/hide)
Not sure if the story in my brain got across right.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on July 27, 2015, 04:10:13 pm
I've been doing a little translation project recently - just to see if I could. It's a fairly well-known Russian sci-fi/children's books writer - Wikipedia assures me there's been translations into English, but I haven't been able to find any for the life of me, so I selected one of his short stories for a little exercise - I was interested if I could manage to coherently and correctly translate a piece of literature in full. The work is going swimmingly for now, but I would very much appreciate if somebody could do a little quality check on it and tell me if anything seems off. There is zero original content of my own in it, so I'm not sure if it's appropriate for this thread. It was the closest topic I could find, and it could be said that I'm working on my literary skills with it - so, would it be proper for me to post it here?
Post by: Cheesecake on July 27, 2015, 06:29:03 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on July 30, 2015, 06:20:41 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on July 30, 2015, 06:36:43 pm
Another poem:
The woman I love will have green eyes
As wide and open as the skies
And in her hands she'll hold my heart
Wrap't in the flaming bands of love
- Though it would hurt me, I'd submit
To have my heart treated thus so
For she will be all I know of above,
And all I'd care for from below.
Post by: Cheesecake on August 05, 2015, 07:47:19 am
Spoiler: Rolling a Seven (click to show/hide)
A quick idea that popped into my head. A prologue for a proto-character I have floating in my brain: Nat Twenty, Unluckily the Luckiest Boy in the World.
Post by: Cheesecake on August 05, 2015, 07:52:33 am
Um, can I write here, and get feedback? Is that what this's for?
Yup, it is!
Post by: Generally me on August 05, 2015, 03:32:01 pm
I loved this.Spoiler: Rolling a Seven (click to show/hide)
A quick idea that popped into my head. A prologue for a proto-character I have floating in my brain: Nat Twenty, Unluckily the Luckiest Boy in the World.
I like how similar to mythological stories this is.
Post by: TD1 on August 07, 2015, 01:26:06 pm
Post by: TD1 on August 07, 2015, 02:16:28 pm
I think the description could be fleshed out a bit more, is all.
Post by: sjm9876 on August 07, 2015, 02:27:45 pm
That said, I'm not always sure who is saying what. It feels as if some of the speech is split over multiple lines unnecessarily to me.
For example:
Quote
“Alright, I’ll tell you all I know and have heard. He left from the west side of the village, at the crossroads. He went down the south road. He took a couple of big lads with him, as well.” He ran his tongue over his teeth, while searching his questioner’s face.
“He rode a horse. Bought a wagon, as well as some other things. Provisions, cooking pot, the like. Had a hefty purse on him, too.
“His sword and shield were both on the wagon, as well as his armor. He-”
I would probably have written:
Quote
“Alright, I’ll tell you all I know and have heard. He left from the west side of the village, at the crossroads. He went down the south road. He took a couple of big lads with him, as well.” He ran his tongue over his teeth, while searching his questioner’s face. “He rode a horse. Bought a wagon, as well as some other things. Provisions, cooking pot, the like. Had a hefty purse on him, too." He paused, waiting to see if that was enough. “His sword and shield were both on the wagon, as well as his armor. He-”
Honestly can't say which is more correct grammatically however.
Post by: kilakan on August 07, 2015, 03:39:11 pm
Otherwise, I concur you could make it a longer and more engaging short story by more description of their appearances/demeanor when talking or maybe even do a 'view of the past' style scene where it ticks over to the knight's POV as he rides through town to describe him. Despite the criticism though it was a very enjoyable read and does make me want to continue reading the story as anything of that type should.
Post by: Cheesecake on August 08, 2015, 11:12:11 pm
Spoiler: Fumbled (click to show/hide)
The next bit of my short story.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on August 08, 2015, 11:58:55 pm
If any of you would like to lend criticism and take part in a hopefully enjoyable test game I'll be giving a link below.
(I forgot how to do the url things sorry :/ )
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on August 09, 2015, 04:35:16 pm
So I'm going to run a series of games to help tune my writing abilities and make me a better GM.
If any of you would like to lend criticism and take part in a hopefully enjoyable test game I'll be giving a link below.
(I forgot how to do the url things sorry :/ )Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Quote from: Example url
Test1: descriptiveness (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=152495.0)is
Test1: descriptiveness (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=152495.0)
But an immediate criticism? Something I think you generally need more of is punctuation.
Quote
You awaken in your soft bed to the warm glow of the sun through your window's blinds. You pull, or rather push, the sheets off your body and roll out of bed. Your feet land on the coushiny shagg carpet flooring in your room. You lift your arms and let out a yawn. You look down at your wooden night stand to see your alarm clock. The black box has dark red numbers glowing on it's face,"6:23". Looks like you awoke two minutes early. You press the button to turn your alarm off and grab the glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up as you finish off the half full glass of refreshing water. Your throat no longer dry and yourself fully awakened what do you do?
Would read better as
Quote
You awaken in your soft bed, to the warm glow of the sun through your window's blinds. You pull, or rather push, the sheets off your body. Rolling out of bed your feet land on the cushion-y shag carpetflooringin your room. You lift your arms and let out a yawn, looking down at your wooden night stand to see your alarm clock. The black box has dark red numbers glowing on it's face:"6:23". Looks like you awoke two minutes early. You press the button to turn your alarm off, and grab the glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up(What?) as you finish off the half-full glass of refreshing water. Your throat is no longer dry, and you are fully awakened. What do you do?
Really, my advice is don't overdo the descriptions of little things. Similarly, you repeat things: we know you have a glass of water, so you could instead have something like:
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... and grab the half-full glass of water sitting next to the alarm clock. Bottoms up as you finish off the drink, the cool liquid refreshing as it flows down your throat.
Don't just describe what you do, or the things around you. What can you hear? What can you smell? Being thirsty or having a dry throat is something that'd he'd probably notice immediately, or he would notice on seeing the drink. Say so! If you look back a few posts, what I told Generally Me applies to you as well.
A sentence will always end with punctuation, even if it's speech.
"It tastes like being old," he muttered, upon tasting the Kendall Mint Cake. will have a comma, unless it has an exclamation point or is a question.
He tasted the Kendall Mint Cake, muttering "This tastes like being old." will similarly have a full stop unless as above.
In sum: more punctuation, and be careful of spelling errors, as well. They do happen, but look up words you're uncertain how to spell.
Don't know what you meant by 'Bottoms up', either.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on August 09, 2015, 04:43:24 pm
And yes I need to work on punctuation as well as spelling errors (and auto corrects).
Thank you for the advice :)
Edit: the absence of smells was intentional, as will be revealed the character has pretty bad allergies and as such a clogged nose most of the times that hinders ability to smell though lack of sounds was unintentional. Not really sure what sounds one would hear at 6:30 in the suburbs? Dogs barking?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on August 09, 2015, 08:01:09 pm
Something like a blocked nose or a dry throat are immediate, noticeable things. Mention them. Don't say nothing, as then at best it comes off as clumsy, at worst as a excuse scraped up later.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on August 09, 2015, 08:09:07 pm
Though you are correct with the dry throat and I do need to add more senses than just sight
Post by: GiglameshDespair on August 09, 2015, 08:29:51 pm
You are trying to show, rather than tell, and if that means the protagonist's nose feels particularly blocked today enough to comment on it, it is so - if you understand? You're aiming to describe, but aim to show through the protagonist's actions and thoughts what's happening rather than a straight up dictation of events.
Add human elements. People are machines. They'll stretch, shift their weight, rub their eyes, click joints, stare out the window for a moment (an opportunity to drop a quick outline of where they are)
I don't even have a sense of smell, but I still try to include it in my writing, because most people do have one. Whether the air smells stale from a warm night, or fresh and cool from the open window, include it.
Post by: taldarus on August 09, 2015, 08:46:54 pm
I started with a single sentence, and attempted to use as many words as possible to describe it. No polish or anything, just a practice piece. I remember Ray Bradbury said something about the senses being vital for a reader to connect with a piece. I realized that to describe a simple object, but trying to avoid actually saying what it is very difficult. Yet it is excellent practice.
I have done this exercise many times, changing the object every time; but I still haven't succeeded.
Start:
A box.
Result:
The air barely stirred. It drifted lazily across the cool dark space. A gentle breeze managed to stir a fine layer of dust into the air. The elevated dust drifted along, until it was split by an edge. The separated dust slid along two even flat surfaces, until the surfaces ended. The dust had passed a small gray box.
The box was smooth and polished, sitting upon a once polished oak table. The table was now long covered in dust, but the box did not show a hint of dust. Age and time had touched everything in the space, but for the box.
It was not a well made thing, it had nothing to distinguish itself. There were no jewels or fine metals, and there were no engravings. Nothing said that the box was significant, but for the fact that time passed it by without comment.
Post by: TD1 on August 11, 2015, 03:42:31 pm
To put down on paper what I feel for you.
You want a sentence, I'll give rhyme
That gives your nature true.
Yes, so the poet often says
Then writes a ream of lies,
Written with the blood of honest men,
Drenched in the tears of the wise.
But no, I am not lying,
For you are not the world to me.
If you're not here the heavens may still soar,
And there's a music in "I" as well as "we."
But I attest, the time I have spent best
Was often at your side - you are not
Perfect, but you're not like the rest
And I praise God for what we've got.
You are not the most beautiful flower in the world,
And yet the rose seems drab to me
When in the same room as you,
As if its colours were set free.
And no, your hair does not shimmer like satin
Nor do your lashes seem a bower,
But still, all such beauties are much the same
Compared to such a rare-found flower.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on August 18, 2015, 10:43:14 pm
Act 1- Awoken
Chapter 1- Destination unknown
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on August 20, 2015, 06:29:38 pm
Collapse:
Act 1- Awoken
Chapter 1- Destination unknownSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Blue is notes, red is suggestions and grammar, green are typos.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on August 20, 2015, 10:35:50 pm
Post by: TD1 on August 23, 2015, 06:08:08 pm
Upon a silver platter
Driven in by pain
My soul was brought to slaughter.
In my second, cheating was my aim
I stole the sun and sold it to the moon,
But it was over much too soon.
My third, I cursed and cried my fate
And sat beside my window late
To think of how my lives have been
Just one long evil dream.
For number four I thought I'd hold it in,
Keep grief away from all my life
But I was wrong, for life is in itself
A brazen knife.
When it was the time for the fifth,
I fell onto the ground
Gave supplication to the heavens-
They heard not a sound.
Sixth for sin, rebelling from the ground
I rose in hate of all-
My life, my hopes, my dreams and cares-
In such a way all angels fall.
And on my lives in cycle go,
The torture of it all!
And never had I one good name,
For nameless all such angels fall.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on August 29, 2015, 07:52:25 am
Spoiler: Long fight scene practice (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on August 29, 2015, 10:34:50 am
Post by: GiglameshDespair on August 30, 2015, 07:44:51 am
Reaction from elsewhere it's got has tended towards the positive. The actual fighting in my writing tends to be over quickly, so I was trying to make it more descriptive without becoming boring.
Post by: TD1 on August 31, 2015, 08:27:38 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Thanks in advance.
Post by: Emma on August 31, 2015, 08:42:02 pm
Is this worth continuing.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on August 31, 2015, 08:56:59 pm
It is very much so worth continuing - I look forward to a description of the Nagthadi.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 01, 2015, 03:18:30 am
Dwarfy1: few things in particular. Towards the end hunt isn't capitalised. The sword seems to get a lot of focus but isn't really used. The dialogue and the Hunts response don't seem to connect so well: he offers a bargain for flesh and soul, seems to offer neither, and is given a baby? Odd thing for a Hunt to be carrying around, anyway.
Game dragon: feels like you use Raid-Leader too much. In the conversation between RL and Yutar, they're nodding like bobble heads. The characters themselves don't have any description beyond fur-clad, Yutar doesn't even have that.
Also can you two review my thing pls ;_;
Post by: Emma on September 01, 2015, 04:16:42 am
Also can you two review my thing pls ;_;Yes, yes we can. Well, I can, I don't know about Dwarfy but I'd assume he can too.
Spoiler: Long fight scene practice (click to show/hide)
First of all it's really good. Seriously GiglameshDespair, you have some serious writing talent. There were a few bits however, you change tense once (I think) in the piece and that is a little jarring, this
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She leapt after him as he desperately evading, batteringcould be this,
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She leapt after him as he desperately evaded, batteringor this,
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She leapt after him as he desperately evading, batteredI don't think a single change of tense matters but it is a little jarring as I said before. This bit,
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oh, he remembered he’d used this at the battle of Chirgowitzalso sounds a bit weird to me, it doesn't really seem to fit with the tone of the rest of the piece. Your writing is excellent for the most part however, and parts like this,
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The cawing of crows was a death knell, ringing for one of them.make up for any tiny mistakes you may make in my mind.
Gamedragon: feels like you use Raid-Leader too much. In the conversation between RL and Yutar, they're nodding like bobble heads. The characters themselves don't have any description beyond fur-clad, Yutar doesn't even have that.Thanks for the criticism too! With Raid-Leader do you think that I could fix this by introducing a name at some point? I was trying to go for a sense of authority with people only referring to him by his title but I can see how it could be too much. I can also see what you mean by nodding, reading back over it I don't think I nod that many times in a day let alone a single conversation. If you wouldn't mind, could you go through and point out what you'd do differently? It would be a big help.
I would say so. The names are well chosen - I often find it hard to think of names that are both original and plausible. So, yes, I like it. There is the odd thing, though, like this: “Good. Re-join the regiment mage, I won’t be long,” which I think would be better "Good. Re-join the regiment, mage. I won't be long."Thanks Dwarfy! I'm quite happy with the names, usually I just go with something like John or Zach and it doesn't really work.
It is very much so worth continuing - I look forward to a description of the Nagthadi.
Post by: sjm9876 on September 01, 2015, 05:44:34 am
Otherwise, my only point would be that sometimes (eg. the following:)
She leapt after him as he desperately evading, battering aside the attacks he threw out, ignoring any trivial injuries he managed to inflict.it can be a bit hard to follow who is doing what to whom.
@ Dwarfy: Like it overall. very nice description. However, it doesn't quite seem to work as well all together. The conversation doesn't seem to flow right, though better practices like having speech on a newline might help there. The focus also feels somewhat off - there's a lot of detail on the scenery and the Hunt, but relatively little on the sword, and even less on the man. Depending what the emphasis of the story is, an adjustment there may help.
(Also, I believe the child was the offering of flesh and soul? Might be worth referring to the child before making that line then - at the moment it isn't clear whether the child is the offer or the result.)
@ Gamedragon: As Gigla said, you need to work a little on your conversation - they don't seem to do much other than nod, and speech from a new character should ideally start on a new line, to emphasise the change of speaker. Also, I would say to try and fit a little more punctuation in the sentences at the start - for example
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Wind bit into the Raid-Leader’s skin even through the various layers of fur and mail he was wearing in order to protect himself from both the cold and the swords of his enemies.contains what I would say are three separate ideas (maybe two and a half) which seem to run into each other, and might well be better off broken up.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 01, 2015, 08:03:44 am
Sjm: in the realm of magical combat, metaphors are more dangerois than you might think. :P
Post by: Arx on September 01, 2015, 08:29:01 am
Spoiler: Long fight scene practice (click to show/hide)
I've used red to highlight some places where I thought the phrasing was ambiguous, awkward, or otherwise confusing.
There are a couple of words you used relatively often ('throw' and derivatives, 'thought'); it's most noticeable in one or two cases where you use them in shortish succession, but it's not oppressive even then.
You could also probably stand to shake up the sentence structure a bit. It's very 'He did/She did/He did', although it's broken up pretty well.
I'll refrain from mentioning the evading/evaded typo again. :P
Otherwise, it's very good.
@Dwarfy and Gamedragon: I'll do your things this evening or so. Pretty busy right now, can only take short breaks.
Post by: TD1 on September 01, 2015, 10:14:56 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I loved it. I mean, there is the odd thing, for example thisSpoiler: Long fight scene practice (click to show/hide)
Quote
and sprang out the way, rapid-firing mind bullets that gouged chunks out of the arms he raised to shield himself.should probably be "sprang out of the way, rapidly firing mind bullets that gouged chunks out of the arms he raised to shield himself." But that's just personal preference, I suppose, and minor at that - if there had been more, I would have read it happily. It was very engaging, and I especially like how you linked the start to the end, and even made it emotive. Well done.
@Dwarfy and Gamedragon: I'll do your things this evening or so. Pretty busy right now, can only take short breaks.Thanks for offering to look through it. Needless to say, the edited one is probably the one you should look at :P
Post by: Generally me on September 01, 2015, 10:31:12 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on September 01, 2015, 03:45:06 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 02, 2015, 06:04:18 am
Miscellaneous thoughts: a regiment is a lot of men. If they're responding to a raid a infantry regiment probably isn't quick enough to respond quickly.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You could probably do with describing things more, as it isn't an action scene. What do people look like, their little mannerisms?
I forgot to do it yesterday so this on my phone.
Post by: Arx on September 02, 2015, 06:23:47 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Yeah, I'd say spin it out. The only thing I'd add that hasn't been mentioned (I think. The thread's been busy) is that your flow could be a little better. As you write, read it aloud in your head (preferably in the accent of the character). If it feels rushed, work out how to slow it down - add commas or other punctuation. If it feels stilted, see where you can excise unnecessary pauses - usually commas. In this case, a lot of the dialog felt kind of rushed to me.
Consider a secondary title to Raid-Leader? Alternation between 'Raid-Leader' and 'Captain' or something would shake it up nicely. Just make it consistent - maybe the Raid-Leader is normally a captain*, and people slip back into that mode of address occasionally?
*Captain is just an example. Pick something that fits, or don't pick anything and find a different way to do it!
Dwarfy, I promise I'll get there. Probably this evening. Hopefully.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 02, 2015, 08:00:44 am
A minor thing, but it occurred to me.
Post by: TD1 on September 02, 2015, 11:59:50 am
Post by: Arx on September 02, 2015, 12:18:50 pm
Thanks for the feedback! Is this any better?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I've picked out a couple of things. That first sentence a) runs on a lot and b) gets a bit confused toward the end. I think it's technically correct grammar, but it doesn't appear so at first glance.
The second thing is also correct, and I can see what you're going for, but it doesn't quite seem to fit. The third is more that the tense isn't entirely obvious; maybe change 'in' to 'into' or a clarification of a different tense?
The third is just that I think that should be 'that', not 'who', but eh.
Sorry that these are all just nitpicky things. I'm way too busy and stressed to do a better kind, and any feedback is better than no feedback, right? :/
Post by: Generally me on September 03, 2015, 01:21:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 03, 2015, 03:17:04 pm
I don't really like the start at the moment. I also know i have made crap tonnes of mistakes, that i missed going over it. So i would appreciate suggestions on how to improve it. Also how to make things seem more human and less unnatural. Also also suggestions on how to make you feel more of a connection to Joseph.Then go over it again and fix the mistakes you find, then post it again.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Generally me on September 03, 2015, 03:27:39 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 03, 2015, 03:36:33 pm
But of things:
You don't actually mention how old any of the children are.
How does someone's hair give them a friendly look?
Fix your punctuation. It's in odd places - the sentences don't feel natural.
Not much happens, really, so I can't comment much on the plot.
Post by: Generally me on September 03, 2015, 03:42:47 pm
2. I'll probably change that
3. I will look at that
4. ...if you don't want to suggest anything or be helpful, then don't post.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 03, 2015, 04:41:36 pm
Why do you think you might want to describe your characters rather than leaving everything completely vague? Age is pretty important when it comes to children. A five-year-old acts very differently to a ten-year-old. What you have is a bunch of mostly featureless people drive to a house and remember buying sweets. I'm not going to tell you what plot you should write.
For something focusing on characters it's pretty bland and content free.
But yeah, I won't bother to suggest stuff to you in future, if you're just going to tell me "don't post". Guess what? The basics are the basics because they're bloody important. Doesn't matter if a spellchecker might catch it if you don't use a spellchecker. You could write War and Peace, but if it was riddled with grammar errors on every line chances are it wouldn't be a bestseller.
Post by: Generally me on September 03, 2015, 04:46:47 pm
Also I need to keep the whole thing below 1500 words. Which is why i don't go into detail of basically anything.
Post by: TD1 on September 03, 2015, 04:53:12 pm
Quote
You could have suggested something for each problem, but you didn't.
He didn't have to post anything. What he posted was constructive. If you had grammar problems, fix them before asking someone to read through for bigger errors. Don't expect someone to read through something if it's not properly polished, and you know it.
Post by: Generally me on September 03, 2015, 04:58:46 pm
And as I said. Just pointing out that I made punctuation mistakes doesn't really help me much. Especially when I myself am not the best at using punctuation properly. So no matter how much I look over it I won't see it because I don't know it's a mistake.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 03, 2015, 05:04:35 pm
I suggested you sort out the punctuation. That is, quite frankly, the best way you can improve your work. Much of your dialogue misses punctuation or has it in the wrong place.
It's iPhone, not Iphone. Brand name.
You start sentences with but.
"I think ill stay here,"
'while the kids played with the Samuels two labradors'.
A lot of your dialogue just is closed off with quotation marks, without punctuation.
You can spot simple stuff like that.
You said you're not using me to check that sort of stuff:
I meant it at as these are the kind of mistakes that you really need an outside eye to spot. I'm not using you as a spell checker and I would rather have suggestions about how to improve it....so I wasn't intending to go through line-by-line.
'Fix your mistakes' is advice.
If you don't know, learn.
British punctuation (http://www.sussex.ac.uk/informatics/punctuation/)
American punctuation (http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/)
Post by: Generally me on September 03, 2015, 05:13:55 pm
Edit: The links are genuinely extremely helpful. Thanks.l
Double Edit: Re read through the next day and I think I severely misread your advice. And I am sorry I was such an asshat.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 05, 2015, 08:00:49 am
Double Edit: Re read through the next day and I think I severely misread your advice. And I am sorry I was such an asshat.Alright. Shall we put this behind us?
My initial thoughts. I'll give it a better read through in a bit.Spoiler: Has yet to be named. (click to show/hide)
Couple of other thouhts. Koi and Angel seem a bit, well, unlike dragon names. A type of carp and an angel isn't something you'd connect with dragons.
I'm bad at names, too. If it comes down to it, you can use a generator you find online.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 05, 2015, 08:06:24 am
Using random words seems even odder. There's a lot of generators out there. You can find one you like, or that you can adjust the names for to something better.
At the end of the day, it's up to you, but Koi and Angel do not seem like dragon names.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 05, 2015, 08:17:32 am
They don't have horns.
Eh?
with a reptilian horned head
But yeah, neither of those are unusual so far.
Post by: Arx on September 05, 2015, 11:33:05 am
As for the story:
Spoiler: Has yet to be named. (click to show/hide)
There are a couple of times where you could replace 'the egg' with 'it', which I've coloured red.
The sentence fragment in red doesn't make sense grammatically - there seem to be a few words missing?
Do be careful of overuse of commas. Whilst there are, technically, quite a lot of places you can use a comma, without it becoming, grammatically, incorrect, you should, probably, try to avoid doing it, too much, although this example is extreme and your story isn't anywhere near as bad.
Also watch out for redundancy; islands are by definition surrounded by water, so adding that they were surrounded by the ocean is overwriting.
It's pretty good, though. Keep writing!
Post by: TD1 on September 05, 2015, 11:48:31 am
Came here to post thisThanks for the feedback! Is this any better?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I've picked out a couple of things. That first sentence a) runs on a lot and b) gets a bit confused toward the end. I think it's technically correct grammar, but it doesn't appear so at first glance.
The second thing is also correct, and I can see what you're going for, but it doesn't quite seem to fit. The third is more that the tense isn't entirely obvious; maybe change 'in' to 'into' or a clarification of a different tense?
The third is just that I think that should be 'that', not 'who', but eh.
Sorry that these are all just nitpicky things. I'm way too busy and stressed to do a better kind, and any feedback is better than no feedback, right? :/
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I appreciate the effort while you're stressed. Good luck in your exams! Hope the examiners have cause only to nitpick.
Post by: Twinwolf on September 05, 2015, 09:21:17 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 06, 2015, 06:03:29 am
If they have proportions relatively similar to german shepards, their truck length is ~15% larger than their trunk height, making them 7.8 feet tall on average.
So pretty large creatures, yeah. Larger than people.
If they were smaller than people, they might not really be awe-inspiring, either. NO one has ever been in awe of a daschhund.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 06, 2015, 09:01:32 am
It also stops them turning out looking really silly.
Then why did you say they were smaller than people if they are, in fact, much larger than people? Similarly, why did you say they didn't have horns when they did? One should strive for consistency. Even with the most unrealistic of subjects, inconsistency is what breaks suspension of disbelief: unless something is deliberately arbitrary, you should always ensure A is A and B is B.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 14, 2015, 07:05:39 pm
Spoiler: Wen-Tsu and the Moon Rabbit (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on September 24, 2015, 04:09:44 pm
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Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 09, 2015, 06:29:55 pm
The first problem that's come up is technology. Specifically, guns. The setting is post-apocalyptic USA, some 500 years after the collapse of sovereign states worldwide due to mass economic, political, and social problems leading to a general loss of knowledge concerning chemistry, manufacturing, and production. I'd like to explore the idea of the worship of technology much like Asimov's Foundation or even in a W40k-esque way. What I want to be able to (at least somewhat logically) arrive at is the general disadvantage of firearms... They may even still be widespread, but melee combat is much more prevalent--if not dominant--in this world. A world where fast-moving armor is the ultimate cavalry force, but lacks heavy machine guns, main battle cannons, or other such highly-specialized weaponry. In the same world, fortifications are again relevant, horse-mounted cavalry ride alongside tanks, and large infantry formations are back in the field. The themes should add up to a twist on medieval warfare, with traces of the 18th and 19th centuries, bundled with some of the left over equipment of the modern day.
So my first thought was to get rid of firearms entirely... but how? Metal is in abundance, especially after a decline in urban populations and mass scavenging. Gunpowder can almost always be produced in some form... So that's not going to work.
Then, I thought, well why not make firearms irrelevant? Technology like highly advanced armor perhaps? Sure, but how and where? The world has lost too much to be able to produce advanced, bullet-stopping armor en masse. Ok, forcefields like those found in Dune or Forever War? I feel like that's taking artistic license too far, and somewhat of a non-sequitor.
My final thought was to allow a degree of relatively primitive firearms, but that leaves n0 reason to regress to a melee dominant system of warfare.
So where do I go from here, what do you think? Ideally, i'd like to end up in a place where the average soldier is heavily armored and equipped with some manner of melee weapon, tanks are the ultimate form of heavy cavalry, and only crude artillery and explosives exist with any kind of commonality.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 09, 2015, 07:08:09 pm
If you have chemistry knowledge (enough for working vehicles and the like) you can probably make impact explosives. Therefore you can make primers and, combined with there are surviving examples of old world technology, you can reproduce those sorts of guns. A gun doesn't have to be complicated to be automatic; (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sten) but even a basic bolt action rifle would give you a colossal advantage against those who didn't. Even muskets became the standard issue for a reason.
The knowledge is there already - and its recorded, so the knowledge would still be around. It's too useful, and kinda simple, to forget all over america. Without a big cataclysm to openly destroy the knowledge... I'm not really seeing it.
Sorry I can't really help.
Post by: Reudh on October 12, 2015, 11:50:26 pm
So, I want to begin writing a novel. To start my pre-outline preparations, I'll be testing out the literary laws of my world in an experimental short story... Along with figuring out the tone, the people, the world, etc. I've been sitting on this idea for many years now I think I finally want to start writing that first draft.
The first problem that's come up is technology. Specifically, guns. The setting is post-apocalyptic USA, some 500 years after the collapse of sovereign states worldwide due to mass economic, political, and social problems leading to a general loss of knowledge concerning chemistry, manufacturing, and production. I'd like to explore the idea of the worship of technology much like Asimov's Foundation or even in a W40k-esque way. What I want to be able to (at least somewhat logically) arrive at is the general disadvantage of firearms... They may even still be widespread, but melee combat is much more prevalent--if not dominant--in this world. A world where fast-moving armor is the ultimate cavalry force, but lacks heavy machine guns, main battle cannons, or other such highly-specialized weaponry. In the same world, fortifications are again relevant, horse-mounted cavalry ride alongside tanks, and large infantry formations are back in the field. The themes should add up to a twist on medieval warfare, with traces of the 18th and 19th centuries, bundled with some of the left over equipment of the modern day.
So my first thought was to get rid of firearms entirely... but how? Metal is in abundance, especially after a decline in urban populations and mass scavenging. Gunpowder can almost always be produced in some form... So that's not going to work.
Then, I thought, well why not make firearms irrelevant? Technology like highly advanced armor perhaps? Sure, but how and where? The world has lost too much to be able to produce advanced, bullet-stopping armor en masse. Ok, forcefields like those found in Dune or Forever War? I feel like that's taking artistic license too far, and somewhat of a non-sequitor.
My final thought was to allow a degree of relatively primitive firearms, but that leaves n0 reason to regress to a melee dominant system of warfare.
So where do I go from here, what do you think? Ideally, i'd like to end up in a place where the average soldier is heavily armored and equipped with some manner of melee weapon, tanks are the ultimate form of heavy cavalry, and only crude artillery and explosives exist with any kind of commonality.
Put it this way. A lot of very early gun-based warfare involved firing lines + blades. The guns generally took too much time to reload - even experienced soldiers took ~30 seconds to reload a musket or a blunderbuss, and were somewhat inaccurate due to their lack of rifling (and often irregularly shaped lead shot). Thus, you could theoretically have the musket + blunderbuss as the primary infantry weapon, with most carrying bayonet blades or cavalry sabres as backups.
Post by: TD1 on October 13, 2015, 09:55:12 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on October 14, 2015, 04:28:41 am
I'd appreciate it. I want you to say bad things about what I do. Who wouldn't want to make another person depressed? :P
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 14, 2015, 07:39:01 am
Seems alright?
Not having any experience with Shakespearian sonnets, I can't really judge, and I don't tend to care for it normally, so I can't judge quality overmuch.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 14, 2015, 09:34:49 am
Can someone please look at it? I don't get any criticism on my poetry, and I think I need criticism to help me grow :/
I'd appreciate it. I want you to say bad things about what I do. Who wouldn't want to make another person depressed? :P
It's good, write some more of them. Try using the sonnet and your shakespearian language to write about contemporary subjects, or stuff out-of-the-ordinary for Shakespeare to write about, the challenges imposed by that caveat will raise your sonnet game to new levels my friend!
It's a sonnet, so form and all that, but try varying that iambic pentameter more. Anywhere between 4 and-a-half and 5 and-a-half iambs work for the bulk of lines, but Shakespeare wasn't overly concerned with that at the beginnings or end of his works so he could create more striking statements.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 14, 2015, 08:29:23 pm
Put it this way. A lot of very early gun-based warfare involved firing lines + blades. The guns generally took too much time to reload - even experienced soldiers took ~30 seconds to reload a musket or a blunderbuss, and were somewhat inaccurate due to their lack of rifling (and often irregularly shaped lead shot). Thus, you could theoretically have the musket + blunderbuss as the primary infantry weapon, with most carrying bayonet blades or cavalry sabres as backups.
I've done my research. I just wanted to find alternate solutions to this one. Honestly, I think the way it may end up is a little grimdark, 40k-ish. Modern(isn) weaponry, heavy armor, heavy artillery, just hell. Packed with huge formations and the like. I don't know. I might try and refine my idea, because i'm really getting hung up on this.
Post by: TD1 on October 15, 2015, 03:03:34 am
Thanks for the feedback. I'll definitely try a bit of variation. I suppose it's something along the lines of "the rule is only interesting where it's broken."Can someone please look at it? I don't get any criticism on my poetry, and I think I need criticism to help me grow :/
I'd appreciate it. I want you to say bad things about what I do. Who wouldn't want to make another person depressed? :P
It's good, write some more of them. Try using the sonnet and your shakespearian language to write about contemporary subjects, or stuff out-of-the-ordinary for Shakespeare to write about, the challenges imposed by that caveat will raise your sonnet game to new levels my friend!
It's a sonnet, so form and all that, but try varying that iambic pentameter more. Anywhere between 4 and-a-half and 5 and-a-half iambs work for the bulk of lines, but Shakespeare wasn't overly concerned with that at the beginnings or end of his works so he could create more striking statements.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 15, 2015, 05:12:03 am
Put it this way. A lot of very early gun-based warfare involved firing lines + blades. The guns generally took too much time to reload - even experienced soldiers took ~30 seconds to reload a musket or a blunderbuss, and were somewhat inaccurate due to their lack of rifling (and often irregularly shaped lead shot). Thus, you could theoretically have the musket + blunderbuss as the primary infantry weapon, with most carrying bayonet blades or cavalry sabres as backups.
I've done my research. I just wanted to find alternate solutions to this one. Honestly, I think the way it may end up is a little grimdark, 40k-ish. Modern(isn) weaponry, heavy armor, heavy artillery, just hell. Packed with huge formations and the like. I don't know. I might try and refine my idea, because i'm really getting hung up on this.
Perhaps more WW1 era? Where rifles were mainly bolt action, lance cavalry still got used (if generally unsuccessfully), an era of heavy artillery. Large formations still got used until things bogged down into trench warfare.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 15, 2015, 09:41:23 am
Perhaps more WW1 era? Where rifles were mainly bolt action, lance cavalry still got used (if generally unsuccessfully), an era of heavy artillery. Large formations still got used until things bogged down into trench warfare.
This is probably what i'll kind of settle on. Not exactly, but it works for the context of the story I think, and I think that it might be easier to explain how humanity could get back to that specific level of knowledge after an almost complete apocalypse.
Post by: Loam on October 15, 2015, 04:18:09 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I don't understand the "And yet." The first stanza talks about this mistress' eyes, how beautiful and big they are - okay. The next stanza says how lustful she makes the speaker feel - okay. The "and yet," though, suggests that these are somehow opposed; but it seems to me that physical beauty (the eyes) and sexual desirability (lust) are pretty closely linked. If you're saying that "love" and "lust" are opposed, that makes sense, but in that case I'd praise something more spiritual/non-physical than her eyes in the first stanza. If, on the other hand, you're saying that "beauty" and "lust" are opposed, I can also see that, but I want more detail - I get lust as "base" and "tempestuous," but I don't get such a qualitative judgement of beauty; and again, I get a solid physical image for beauty, but I only get abstract language for lust. The two stanzas should work more as a compare/contrast than they are now. And, probably, the second stanza should end with a full stop, to end the idea.
The third stanza should of course have the volta, which you already have, but it could be stronger. Your narrator, having described his mistress in terms of this contrast between love/lust or beauty/lust, rejects both of these and indicates the joy of companionship as the chief end of romance. At least I think that's what your getting at.
While we're on sonnets, here's one of my own:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 17, 2015, 12:50:02 pm
Post by: TD1 on October 17, 2015, 01:27:44 pm
I don't understand the "And yet."
The "and yet" was meant not as a comment on that, so much as saying that the mistress may have beauty, but it is a false thing. Sort of a "you are beautiful, and yet your beauty is a false thing. It tempts only the base." I'm saying love is lost in the lust, in the second stanza. The first stanza says that she's beautiful. The second that it's only lust, and base. The third is saying, essentially "f*** it. If you'd be with me I wouldn't care for any of that." She would still be cared for. The final couplet says, essentially, to hell with both love and lust. Happiness is all that matters.
Your advice on the abstract/physical, and the separation of ideas in stanzas is good advice. I'll take it on board for the future! To be honest, I need to keep that sort of thing in mind more often. I tend to write and then think afterwards :P
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Traditionally the couplet at the end is meant to rhyme, but that is of course optional - I don't know if you left it out deliberately or not. "Two paces' worth" should probably be "two paces worth."
The message is one that I like. Many argue that the sonnet is the love form of poetry - of course it isn't just that. It is often used for other things, and the contrast between the typical love poem and the poem that is different can be quite striking. Speaking, as you are, of the grave, and how actions are all that count, not possessions, is interesting in that context. You slip the metre in the third to last line, "into heav'n." The extra syllable would not matter so much, were it not for the apostrophe which I feel limits its ability to rhyme with "men."
The only question I would have is who the borrowed eyes belong to?
For all aspiring poets, i've found that allpoetry.com (http://allpoetry.com) is a really great site to get feedback and inspiration on. Check it out.Thanks for sharing! Definitely looking into this.
Post by: Emma on October 21, 2015, 04:15:51 am
Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)
Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.
Post by: TD1 on November 04, 2015, 08:16:23 pm
More great than many I could name
Once said. What soul is there in tin or can,
When flesh is iron, bone is steel - the same?
Call me a coward if you wish, to not
Embrace the whirring of the cog for heart -
Does metal cry at you from its small cot,
Does it possess a love for light and art?
Perhaps I am too hard upon a bot
That only has the crime of being made
And not created by a self professing God.
What could that man, by fairest chance, have said?
Unless soul clap its hands and sing. Well, ring
Your bell, unstop your cogs, but can you sing?
Post by: MorleyDev on November 05, 2015, 04:55:12 pm
Calling it "Sermons of the Teacher", so far I have 3 of them. They're all intended to be fairly short, fit on a page or less in Google Docs.
Spoiler: Sermon One (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Sermon Two (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Sermon Three (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 07, 2015, 10:17:57 am
I wrote something about pies and the universe. It's mostly rambling so read and/or review at your own risk.See inside spoiler for suggested punctuation corrections.Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)
Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.
Actual content wise? It feels to me like it's trying too hard to be whimsical, especially with "what if our universe has already been eaten?" part.
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" a manI quite like this one.
More great than many I could name
Once said. What soul is there in tin or can,
When flesh is iron, bone is steel - the same?
Call me a coward if you wish, to not
Embrace the whirring of the cog for heart -
Does metal cry at you from its small cot,
Does it possess a love for light and art?
Perhaps I am too hard upon a bot
That only has the crime of being made
And not created by a self professing God.
What could that man, by fairest chance, have said?
Unless soul clap its hands and sing. Well, ring
Your bell, unstop your cogs, but can you sing?
I'm not sure about the use of "bot", due to being a shortened version of robot but it'd mess up the pacing to usse the full word.
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" in the second last line doesn't make too much sense to me. Is it missing something?
So out of boredom I'm poking at a project every now and then. Basically I want to wrote a 'holy book' for a setting, acting as the creation story and introducing/describing the central ideas and entities.
Calling it "Sermons of the Teacher", so far I have 3 of them. They're all intended to be fairly short, fit on a page or less in Google Docs.Spoiler: Sermon One (click to show/hide)Spoiler: Sermon Two (click to show/hide)Spoiler: Sermon Three (click to show/hide)
Maybe the point, but to me they just seem nonsensical. When you refer to stuff like the "new nothing of the is", I would suggest capitalising it, so it seems clearer that you're referring to some kind of metaphysical concept or whatever, and didn't just forget to delete words.
Post by: MorleyDev on November 07, 2015, 11:36:18 am
Maybe the point, but to me they just seem nonsensical. When you refer to stuff like the "new nothing of the is", I would suggest capitalising it, so it seems clearer that you're referring to some kind of metaphysical concept or whatever, and didn't just forget to delete words.
Somewhat, original idea was inspired by the 36 Lessons from Morrowind (I fully admit stole the basis of the idea of a 'godhead' from ES lore) and it's mostly my first attempt at trying to do a similar thing of tying world-building with metaphor and in-universe theology. A lot of these are trying to introduce ideas to build upon in later sermons too.
The capitalisation thing is something definitely needed though if I keep going, I was going to use it to differentiate between the concept of 'the godhead' and "The Godhead" of the world. But more places, like making it the "the new nothing of the Is", could help too.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 07, 2015, 11:45:52 am
I never played Morrowind, so I must admit I don't know what the godhead is.Maybe the point, but to me they just seem nonsensical. When you refer to stuff like the "new nothing of the is", I would suggest capitalising it, so it seems clearer that you're referring to some kind of metaphysical concept or whatever, and didn't just forget to delete words.
Somewhat, original idea was inspired by the 36 Lessons from Morrowind (I fully admit stole the idea of a 'godhead' from ES lore) and it's mostly my first attempt at trying to do a similar thing of tying world-building with metaphor and in-universe theology. A lot of these are trying to introduce ideas to build upon in later sermons too.
The capitalisation thing is something definitely needed though if I keep going, I was going to use it to differentiate between the concept of 'the godhead' and "The Godhead" of the world. But more places, like making it the "the new nothing of the Is", could help too.
Your first sermon could do with saying what it is, as well. The fact its sibling becomes the Dream-That-Was suggests the sibling is the Dream-To-Be; logically the godhead is therefore the Nothing.
You repeat that the Dream-To-Be becomes the Dream-That-Was unnecessarily.
You mention pillars that constrain the 7 shape-aspects, but you also say they are omnipotent. Perhaps a metaphor, but it seems self-contradicting.
Post by: TD1 on November 07, 2015, 11:55:26 am
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" a manI quite like this one.
More great than many I could name
Once said. What soul is there in tin or can,
When flesh is iron, bone is steel - the same?
Call me a coward if you wish, to not
Embrace the whirring of the cog for heart -
Does metal cry at you from its small cot,
Does it possess a love for light and art?
Perhaps I am too hard upon a bot
That only has the crime of being made
And not created by a self professing God.
What could that man, by fairest chance, have said?
Unless soul clap its hands and sing. Well, ring
Your bell, unstop your cogs, but can you sing?
I'm not sure about the use of "bot", due to being a shortened version of robot but it'd mess up the pacing to usse the full word.
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" in the second last line doesn't make too much sense to me. Is it missing something?
Thanks for commenting!
The line came from Yeats' Sailing to Byzantium.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
By using that line I was sort of talking about passion, and art, and mortality. And I agree - bot's not the best. I couldn't think of anything else, though. Any suggestions?
Post by: MorleyDev on November 07, 2015, 12:04:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
In ES lore (and it's a fairly obscure concept, mostly comes from out-of-game writings of Michael Kirkbride anwyay), the Godhead is the sleeper that dreams reality. I quite like the idea of reality being a dream of a being, and everyone who exists just a split personality of that being so stole it :)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 07, 2015, 12:54:23 pm
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" a manI quite like this one.
More great than many I could name
Once said. What soul is there in tin or can,
When flesh is iron, bone is steel - the same?
Call me a coward if you wish, to not
Embrace the whirring of the cog for heart -
Does metal cry at you from its small cot,
Does it possess a love for light and art?
Perhaps I am too hard upon a bot
That only has the crime of being made
And not created by a self professing God.
What could that man, by fairest chance, have said?
Unless soul clap its hands and sing. Well, ring
Your bell, unstop your cogs, but can you sing?
I'm not sure about the use of "bot", due to being a shortened version of robot but it'd mess up the pacing to usse the full word.
"Unless soul clap its hands and sing" in the second last line doesn't make too much sense to me. Is it missing something?
Thanks for commenting!
The line came from Yeats' Sailing to Byzantium.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
By using that line I was sort of talking about passion, and art, and mortality. And I agree - bot's not the best. I couldn't think of anything else, though. Any suggestions?
Unfortunately, I can't think of anything to replace bot.
Hmm. The soul line I'm not sure fits entirely.
As a interesting little factoid, I do actually have a properly published poem.
Unfortunately, it was as part of an anthology of children's poems, so not exactly a glamorous achievement. I haven't done anything with poetry in a long time...
Yeah okay, that point could be a bit clearer. The original pass just had the Godhead, the idea of a sibling was added a lot later, but I like the idea of the Dream-To-Be and The Nothing fusing to form the Godhead. I rewrote the first paragraph slightly:Out of personal preference, I'd say don't capitalise the 'The' part of the The Nothing, etc. Also, careful, you've got an extra The in "..torture of possibilities, The The Dream-To-Be commissioned".Spoiler (click to show/hide)
In ES lore (and it's a fairly obscure concept, mostly comes from out-of-game writings of Michael Kirkbride anwyay), the Godhead is the sleeper that dreams reality. I quite like the idea of reality being a dream of a being, and everyone who exists just a split personality of that being so stole it :)
Still, I do love me some mythology.
The notion of reality being a dream of a greater being is always nice. I planned games based on that idea before, but they never got very far.
Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening had a similiar plot, with the island being a dream of the god-like being called the Wind Fish; the game is based on gathering the instruments needed to wake it so you can leave the island. The final boss' death quote is even about how "This island is going to disappear... our world is going to disappear... our... world..."
And when you wake the Wind Fish, the island does indeed disappear. So really you remove all the characters you meet from existence. Way to go, hero.
Post by: TD1 on November 07, 2015, 01:41:54 pm
As a interesting little factoid, I do actually have a properly published poem.That's great! More than I'll ever achieve. Mind sharing it?
Unfortunately, it was as part of an anthology of children's poems, so not exactly a glamorous achievement. I haven't done anything with poetry in a long time...
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 07, 2015, 02:32:01 pm
I'll see if I can dig it up and PM it to you. I'm sure I have the book around somewhere.As a interesting little factoid, I do actually have a properly published poem.That's great! More than I'll ever achieve. Mind sharing it?
Unfortunately, it was as part of an anthology of children's poems, so not exactly a glamorous achievement. I haven't done anything with poetry in a long time...
Honestly I'm not sure if to count it as a triumph or an old shame.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 07, 2015, 04:05:06 pm
On the other hand, adult me has never had anything published, so who's laughing now, I guess?
Post by: Arx on November 07, 2015, 04:08:46 pm
I found it! And... by god, it's... not great. I was ten years old, but by god. Get it together, ten-year-old me.
On the other hand, adult me has never had anything published, so who's laughing now, I guess?
Hah, I was reading through some stories I wrote when I was ten a few days ago. Much the same response (although my technical skills were better than expected!).
Post by: MorleyDev on November 07, 2015, 04:37:37 pm
Hah, I was reading through some stories I wrote when I was ten a few days ago. Much the same response (although my technical skills were better than expected!).
No-one will ever find my Junior school English books. They must never see the light of day.
I distinctly remember having a character called "Braven" in the "Write a story inspired by Beowulf" task. Because he was brave and stuff. That would of been like Year 3, so I would of been like 7 or 8, but still...yeah.
Also I just remembered they made us read a kid-friendly version of Beowulf in Year 3 xD Still including Beowulf tearing Grendel's arm off of course :)
Post by: TD1 on November 07, 2015, 04:45:52 pm
Post by: Emma on November 07, 2015, 05:02:50 pm
Thank you for the comments Giglamesh. I feel like trying to hard is going to be something I struggle with, especially since it's something I do in real life as well. Apart from that could you explain, in a simpletons terms, what a run on sentence is? I don't fully understand what it is. And on a related note, does anyone have any good resources for learning grammar and punctuation?I wrote something about pies and the universe. It's mostly rambling so read and/or review at your own risk.See inside spoiler for suggested punctuation corrections.Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)
Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.
Actual content wise? It feels to me like it's trying too hard to be whimsical, especially with "what if our universe has already been eaten?" part.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 07, 2015, 05:19:34 pm
I remember writing a story based off a character in Eragon... not sure what age I was.I'm already of a low opinion of Eragon, so fanfiction written about it by a young author?
Jesus would weep. :P
Simply put... hmmm.Thank you for the comments Giglamesh. I feel like trying to hard is going to be something I struggle with, especially since it's something I do in real life as well. Apart from that could you explain, in a simpletons terms, what a run on sentence is? I don't fully understand what it is. And on a related note, does anyone have any good resources for learning grammar and punctuation?I wrote something about pies and the universe. It's mostly rambling so read and/or review at your own risk.See inside spoiler for suggested punctuation corrections.Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)
Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.
Actual content wise? It feels to me like it's trying too hard to be whimsical, especially with "what if our universe has already been eaten?" part.
A run on sentence is when you use a comma when you really should have used a full stop.
Lets take one of your sentences from earlier:
That thing isn't matter though, it's dark matter, and when you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.
This is a run-on sentence. It would be better split into multiple sentences, a la:
That thing isn't matter, though, it's dark matter. When you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/words/grammar-tips might be helpful.
Despite my fondness for writing, I never studied English at a high level, so I'm not sure how to explain things well.
Also, by God, man, if your pies are nothing but gravy and gristle you need to buy better pies. Or fruit pies.
Post by: TD1 on November 07, 2015, 05:22:27 pm
I remember writing a story based off a character in Eragon... not sure what age I was.I'm already of a low opinion of Eragon, so fanfiction written about it by a young author?
Jesus would weep. :P
Haha, my teacher must have been of a Satanist bent. She read it in front of the class. Spread the heresy! :P
Post by: Emma on November 07, 2015, 05:50:59 pm
But the gristle is the best bit! And thanks for the link I'll have to bookmark it and read through it.I remember writing a story based off a character in Eragon... not sure what age I was.Simply put... hmmm.Thank you for the comments Giglamesh. I feel like trying to hard is going to be something I struggle with, especially since it's something I do in real life as well. Apart from that could you explain, in a simpletons terms, what a run on sentence is? I don't fully understand what it is. And on a related note, does anyone have any good resources for learning grammar and punctuation?I wrote something about pies and the universe. It's mostly rambling so read and/or review at your own risk.See inside spoiler for suggested punctuation corrections.Spoiler: Pies and the Universe (click to show/hide)
Just because you read it at your own risk doesn't mean that you can't read it.
Actual content wise? It feels to me like it's trying too hard to be whimsical, especially with "what if our universe has already been eaten?" part.
A run on sentence is when you use a comma when you really should have used a full stop.
Lets take one of your sentences from earlier:
That thing isn't matter though, it's dark matter, and when you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.
This is a run-on sentence. It would be better split into multiple sentences, a la:
That thing isn't matter, though, it's dark matter. When you bite into a pie you never really know what the gravy is made out of, and we humans don't really understand dark matter yet.
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/words/grammar-tips might be helpful.
Despite my fondness for writing, I never studied English at a high level, so I'm not sure how to explain things well.
Also, by God, man, if your pies are nothing but gravy and gristle you need to buy better pies. Or fruit pies.
Post by: TD1 on November 07, 2015, 07:02:08 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 10, 2015, 01:20:58 pm
Post by: Arx on November 10, 2015, 01:22:37 pm
I'll be honest, I'm tempted to ressurect the writing competition.
Doo eet.
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 22, 2015, 01:25:02 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I feel like it's really boring and uninteresting, though. :/
I'm mostly doing it for myself and the joy of reminiscing, but is this interesting to anybody else? Or is it just rambling nonsense?
Post by: Arx on November 22, 2015, 01:40:41 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 22, 2015, 02:27:07 pm
I'm writing some bullshit, reminiscing about my experience with video games throughout the years until the present day. I plan to make short Youtube videos out of them, making each section a separate video with footage of the game I'm writing about in that section.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I feel like it's really boring and uninteresting, though. :/
I'm mostly doing it for myself and the joy of reminiscing, but is this interesting to anybody else? Or is it just rambling nonsense?
I think you could do without having every third sentence be a new paragraph.
While personally I don't find it overly interesting, as seen above, opinions vary. Keep writing it.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on November 29, 2015, 03:13:05 pm
I'll be honest, I'm tempted to ressurect the writing competition.
Doo eet.
So any progress on this? :D
We could start throwing prompts around too again. It's always nice to see many different interpretations of a few random words or phrases.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 29, 2015, 03:50:42 pm
Gigla's Writing Competition
-Prepare your keyboard-
-Prepare your keyboard-
Since people seem interested, have a writing competition.
Standard disclaimer, it's pretty subjective, no need for salt, yadda yadda.
You have two weeks - that is until the 13th of December - to post a story based on the two prompts below.
You can only submit one story to the competition, but until the deadline you can change it as much as you like. Just post it in this thread.
Prompts:
Spoiler: 1 (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: 2 (click to show/hide)
Howzat, guys?
Post by: Twinwolf on November 29, 2015, 03:52:02 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 29, 2015, 03:53:26 pm
Base it on one or both, I don't mind.
Post by: TD1 on November 30, 2015, 05:34:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 30, 2015, 06:51:01 pm
Not mandatory, of course, but it'd be nice to be able to ballpark the figure.
I'll write something for the prompt soon, just had to write my daily therapeutic piece.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Magaphone?
Post by: TD1 on November 30, 2015, 07:01:41 pm
He goes on to say "the sculptor's blows which hurt us so" are what shape us, IIRC.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on November 30, 2015, 07:05:39 pm
To be honest, I wouldn't say it's your best poem. It feels kind of messy somehow. Maybe it's a whole bunch of classical references but I'm missing them, so for most of it it's just random sentences strapped together to me.
Post by: TD1 on November 30, 2015, 07:12:33 pm
I just wrote whatever, so it kinda jumbled up. There was no intent, and no editing afterward. Call it ore rather than metal, hehe.
Post by: Emma on December 03, 2015, 07:58:52 pm
Incidentally, I'd appreciate people saying if they're entering the competition.Just posting to let you know that I'll be entering your competition and that my entry will come in later today.
Not mandatory, of course, but it'd be nice to be able to ballpark the figure.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 03, 2015, 08:00:17 pm
Excellent.Incidentally, I'd appreciate people saying if they're entering the competition.Just posting to let you know that I'll be entering your competition and that my entry will come in later today.
Not mandatory, of course, but it'd be nice to be able to ballpark the figure.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 05, 2015, 08:24:19 pm
Spoiler: Dust and steel (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 06, 2015, 02:30:02 pm
Not sure what this 'challenge' thing is. But I've written something that sucks, and as usual, I'll put it her to make it better.
Write a short story that is connected thematically to one or both of the prompts given. In a week, I'll read it and compare it to the others that are posted.
If any are posted
One week remains to post a story for the challenge
Not sure what this 'challenge' thing is. But I've written something that sucks, and as usual, I'll put it her to make it better.First: The calf would probably armoured by the greaves, as they'd probably be closed greaves. If the greaves only protect the front of the leg, they'd be demi-greaves, and I have no idea what just calf armour would be called. Armour for the upper arm would probably be a rarebrace, and it seems odd she gets partly armoured and then presumably puts her armour on as she goes to the training field.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Similarly, she seems rather unarmoured for training with full, deadly weapons, where you'd expect to be wearing full plate or using training weapons; having soldiers is no good if they've all maimed each other in training.
A lot of the sentences feel run-on and rather awkward. If you want, I can go through it and fix it.
Post by: adwarf on December 08, 2015, 04:20:45 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 08, 2015, 06:48:14 am
Spoiler: A Merciless Love (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You mentioned you were going to check it through yourself later, so I'll hold off for now on doing a full run through.
But trim a lot of the run-on sentences.
You've worded a few things unnecessarily long; just say "a jagged tooth" or "a jagged fang" rather than "a tooth whose edges were jagged".
"Flaming, smoking craters" rather than "craters with flames and smoke coming out of them." Flaming and smoking are probably unnecessary to have together; if you have one generally you'll have the other.
It feels kinda... anime? Towards to the end, when the Mackson has time to spout a couple of sentences then close his eyes for a few seconds before his suit explodes. What was the god doing in this time? Why was he standing still?
How did Mackson see his expression at the end after having a) his eyes shut and b) exploded?
Post by: sjm9876 on December 08, 2015, 11:27:34 am
Spoiler: Prompt: Lantern (click to show/hide)
Short piece for the prompt. Not particularly happy with it, but I haven't written in a while and don't really have the time to fix it up at the moment.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 09, 2015, 07:10:35 am
I'm not a good writer at all, but I can say some things as a reader!
"Even at this late hour, there was still figures"
Might be just me, but I think it'd sound better with 'were' instead of 'was'. Not sure if that's grammatically correct, however.
Anyone can give feedback - and it'd be nice if more people did! After all, whatever I write won't just be read by writers; and don't put yourself down :P
You're right, that should be "were".
'The preacher outside the bar was old and decrepit, poorly maintained – parts of his chassis were missing, and externals and internals both were splotchy with rust. It was a small miracle the old machine hadn’t deactivated already. The preacher’s optics flickered as he turned his head towards the approaching Jeremiah, neck servos creaking.
“Repent!” he blared, voice box screeching with feedback. “The Creators’ return is nigh! Soon all of Steel will be washed away by the wrath of the Flesh! Unless… we repent! Repent!” '
Personally I like this part. I'd also like a bit more information in what he's saying, maybe foreshadow a bit? :D
Though this right here does that quite well: 'He wasn’t quite wrong, after all.'
I personally felt the wasn't-quite-wrong foreshadows enough, but I do love the concept of a broken-down old robot preacher.
'The smooth faceplate of the machine turned up towards him. It had no visible cameras or voicebox, just a curved reflective panel.'
Right now I'm wondering if most other machines have blank faceplates or the other way around. Either way, a comparison in there could help. For example, 'Like most others of the town, it had no visible cameras or voicebox, just a curved reflective panel.' or 'It had no visible cameras or voicebox, just a curved reflective panel. The town held a large variety of machines, and this design happened to be in a slight minority.'
Good point. I'd hoped that the mention earlier of the preacher's facial(?) features would make it seem out of the norm, but I do need to make that clearer.
' “Good guess,” the stranger said at last, and then he was surging upwards and Jeremiah was reaching for his gun and the stranger’s fist crashed into his faceplate and threw Jeremiah back enough the human could land a heavy kick to his chest.'
This sentence here feels kind of awkward. You have three 'and's in a row, and it reads kinda badly. After that, you seem to be missing a preposition between 'threw Jeremiah back enough' and 'the human could land a heavy kick'. I'm suggesting 'that', 'so', or something similar. Of course, once again, I suck at writing so that's probably not the best way to do it.
It was meant to evoke a sense of frantic, flowing motion, but it seems it's failed. Ah well, it'll have to be trimmed down.
'and as he toppled the human overturned the table to block the shots from the gun the bartender had pulled. Ricochets whined as they sprang from the steel. '
It's rather wordy in the middle. I think you should've said something about providing cover to reduce it, like 'the human overturned the table to provide cover against the bartender, who had pulled a gun and shot at him.'
Right now, it sounds like the human is preparing for the bullets from the bartender, instead of the bartender actually shot at him.
The second is flat out confusing. The closest I can get is that the bartender's bullet ricocheted around, therefore 'springing from the steel'.
First part: yeah, I could have worded that better.
Second part: the bartender's bullets ricocheting of the steel table the human was taking cover behind. Again, I'll have to reword that.
' A metallic click from the other side of the table suggested the human had done the same,'
I'd have assumed 'click' meant that he shot. Pulling the gun wouldn't exactly make a sound (at least not that I'm aware of, having never read anything where pulling a gun made an audible noise.).
The click was meant to be the human's gun being cocked, or the safety catch coming off, rather than a gunshot.
'The bartender fired again, and the ricochet glanced off the human’s table. With a thunderous roar, the human fired his, and the shot went through the table, the bartender’s CPU, and a bottle behind him, sending him crashing to the floor in an explosion of sparks and greenish coolant.'By this I meant the human shot through his own cover to kill the bartender - but no, that's not worded clearly at all.
I'm not sure you are aware of this (but I'm probably wrong), but this implies that the bartender is in a position behind Jeremiah so that the human must shoot through the table in order to hit him.
I liked it! The ending was definitely the best part.
Cheers for the feedback; I can definitely see venues to improve it. Some of these things require a second eye - it makes sense to me, because I already can see what happens, but it needs to be clear to readers.
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
-----
Are you going to join the competition? :P
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 09, 2015, 08:32:56 am
Not sure what this 'challenge' thing is. But I've written something that sucks, and as usual, I'll put it her to make it better.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
1 sounds too academic in a casual medieval setting
2 Flew from her mind suggests quick action, when she's relaxing for a moment in the sun.
3 I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say in this bit. This would suggest as an eight year old, she was used to using a claymore; besides the fact a knight would learn to use multiple kinds of weapons, it's worded ambiguously.
Further suggestions:
There are five senses - what can she hear, taste, smell?
Perhaps the sounds of the people sparring drifts up to her when she's looking out her window, foreshadowing her own bout.
Perhaps the smells here are foreign and strange, to enforce the idea she's away from home in a strange place.
Does it hurt when she is knocked down? Does she feel a flush of anger when defeated, a spike of anger at Zira's arrogance?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 09, 2015, 09:34:06 am
Ah, well.
After a decade, I tried my hand at poetry again.
Spoiler: On surrender (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on December 09, 2015, 10:38:45 am
Spoiler: Dust and steel (GiglameshDespair) (click to show/hide)
All comments in red. Excuse my lack of analytical vocabulary sometimes, but I hope I get my point across. Generally, you use a lot of passive voice which makes some paragraphs repetitive and flow poorly. You also have a lot ', and' sentences where it might be better to just chop things up into several sentences. Short, fast sentences can speed up the action quite a bit.
Overall, I like it - it's a solid short showing off an interesting world, with well-done worldbuilding and a focused plot. Nice scifi western feel to the whole thing. I didn't read Moonlit's comments or your responses to them, so apologies if I'm repeating stuff already said.
***
Spoiler: Moonlit Shadow's Piece (click to show/hide)
When posting stuff on a forum, just do empty spaces between paragraphs - the formatting here makes it a bit hard to read. In general, you have a lot of long, sentences, separated into several, with an overabundance of commas. I'm not telling you to get rid of all of them - the first sentence, for example, works fine - but they can hurt the flow of the text.
At points, this feels like an excerpt from the middle of a story. Our protagonist's feelings towards or relationship with Zira don't come clear at all. You don't need to infodump everything about them here, but the fight feels like it exists in a vacuum where I'm not sure what to think and feel about what's going on. We're left in the dark regarding a lot of things - which I'm sure would gradually come clear in a longer story, so it's not really a problem. The reader would benefit from... I dunno how to put it, better access inside our protagonist's head. This doesn't need to be through 'she thought this and that', though you do use that early on, but it'd be more engaging if we could get a better sense of her opinion and thoughts towards things, especially in the fight scene.
***
Spoiler: sjm9876's Lantern Prompt (click to show/hide)
I don't really have any big criticisms of this. There are some nice images and we get a good/vivid sense of the girl's sensations, so generally I like it.
***
Spoiler: A Merciless Love (click to show/hide)
Honestly, I have no real critiques for this. I like it a lot, especially since it reminds me of something I've been writing (a training montage love story). The images are lovely, the passion is palpable, there's nothing to distract from the point - it's just great.
I'll see if I have the time to review more of the recent stuff here later - hope these are of some worth to people.
Post by: sjm9876 on December 09, 2015, 02:09:51 pm
Spoiler: A Merciless Love (click to show/hide)
Love this. Got briefly confused at the our, but that's more how my brain has been trained than a writing issue i think.
-Will go though this shortly.-Spoiler: Dust and steel (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on December 10, 2015, 09:38:47 am
You asked me via PM and I responded that I'd get to this :xSpoiler: A Merciless Love (click to show/hide)
...I was busy in the last days and still am--sorry for lacking response and participation!
How many days left until prompt end, by the way? Thinking to get back into all this given the [freedom of free time, as exemplified in my situation perfectly, here (https://scontent-nrt1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/12311104_996162397118224_6821124550017041581_n.png?oh=9f3ae0111fc964bd7b7613b1e20640ed&oe=56D3F900)]
For me, how I read the transition between the first paragraph and the second gave me a bit of confusion where the PoV was describing. I saw two different things at the same time before moving to one or the other [when the pronouns became 'we'] after getting deeper into the second paragraph; first would be the original 'speaker' describing the whole scenario, and describing what the second entity is doing due to the emotional impact in the first paragraph. The second, being that the first paragraph was a totally different voice than the second--as the start of the second sounds like a self-description and the story being written as from a second-person PoV. [Think: Roguelike description method. It uses a second-person voice.]
That said, I like how the narrative goes. It sounded poetic in the end, and after (my) confusion subsided, I realized the emotional theme that was being presented; it meshed well with the adjectives and superlatives you were using.
The blood bit threw me off in guessing what the subjects were talking about though. Dancing vampires or dueling fighters basking in the expertise of each other? ._.
It's very well written though. :) I think I just got lost halfway!
Also a friend chimed in: He thinks that in starting your second paragraph, perhaps a change of tense may be better to convey the shift of viewpoint. :) I agree with him, but unsure what specific I can give for critique.
Post by: TD1 on December 10, 2015, 09:43:15 am
Post by: TD1 on December 11, 2015, 04:10:21 pm
Of those that I once knew. I had a friend
Who sat upon that stool, and we talked politics
Or fantasy, together over nights that never seemed to end.
That piano, you know, has seen ten thousand hands
Shaped like my own. Eyes that saw just the same
As mine, and heard familiar noises from the lands
Around once sat and listened, curious as I am.
Polished mantle and silver couch, drenched in the tears
Of those who came before. Old Oak tree in the front,
That I hung a tire in to swing, which it was said
Was once my great-great grandfather’s haunt.
Dark wood, old tiles, old beam, rough seam.
Buildings out back no longer in their use
As barn, or farm, or house.
It seems a vision when I see, it seems a dream;
An image from the past. Ten times ten thousand hands
Rebuke or praise me for each action that I take.
Father in the kitchen, mother beside the fire
Talking as I tried to remain – in vain – awake.
This is my home, and it was my family’s home.
It was their cradle, and their tomb
Just as it will be mine when I am gone
And newer voices sound inside my room.
Post by: Emma on December 11, 2015, 05:28:27 pm
Spoiler: Competition Story - The Creature in the Morgue (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 13, 2015, 12:58:25 pm
Two people is not a big enough number of submissions, really.
I'll extend the competition at least another week.
If I don't get some more subs, it's not enough to really make it worthwhile doing.
Post by: TD1 on December 13, 2015, 01:01:46 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 13, 2015, 01:08:28 pm
Memories, memories like phantom ghostsI really quite like this one.
Of those that I once knew. I had a friend
Who sat upon that stool, and we talked politics
Or fantasy, together over nights that never seemed to end.
That piano, you know, has seen ten thousand hands
Shaped like my own. Eyes that saw just the same
As mine, and heard familiar noises from the lands
Around once sat and listened, curious as I am.
Polished mantle and silver couch, drenched in the tears
Of those who came before. Old Oak tree in the front,
That I hung a tire in to swing, which it was said
Was once my great-great grandfather’s haunt. ( The word order here suggests the tire is the g-g-gdad's haunt, which obviously isn;t the case. )
Dark wood, old tiles, old beam, rough seam.
Buildings out back no longer in their use
As barn, or farm, or house.
It seems a vision when I see, it seems a dream; ( The shorter line seems to break up the rhythm of the poem here. )
An image from the past. Ten times ten thousand hands
Rebuke or praise me for each action that I take.
Father in the kitchen, mother beside the fire
Talking as I tried to remain – in vain – awake.
This is my home, and it was my family’s home.
It was their cradle, and their tomb
Just as it will be mine when I am gone
And newer voices sound inside my room.
What do you think of mine? First poem in a decade.
I'll definitely get one done in that time. I have essays for Monday, but after that I'm free.Glad to hear it.
I'm hoping for four submissions, at least.
Post by: TD1 on December 15, 2015, 08:52:58 am
Well it really depends on what you intended. Still, I added some notes showing how I personally would have done it.Spoiler: On surrender (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on December 17, 2015, 09:14:49 am
:/Err, um...could I ask what the competition is? .__.;
Two people is not a big enough number of submissions, really.
I'll extend the competition at least another week.
If I don't get some more subs, it's not enough to really make it worthwhile doing.
I've been working on poetry to send to good friends over email or PM, but seeing the recentmost posts being on poetry...I'm curious and interested! :D
Post by: TD1 on December 17, 2015, 09:26:33 am
Gigla's Writing Competition
-Prepare your keyboard-
Prompts:Spoiler: 1 (click to show/hide)Spoiler: 2 (click to show/hide)
Also, ohhh poetry. I like me some poetry - I like seeing people writing it :P
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 17, 2015, 07:28:57 pm
Is there a word that means 'warrior in training'? As generic as possible. Thx.Apprentice. Squire (for knights).
Right now I'm using 'trainee'.
I won't ask, sure. Not going to force you.
You could edit your posts together rather than triple posting.
Post by: TD1 on December 19, 2015, 11:10:14 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Amperzand on December 20, 2015, 06:26:26 am
Post by: TD1 on December 21, 2015, 07:01:49 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also, I think the word "childe" applies if you're looking for something archaic.Is there a word that means 'warrior in training'? As generic as possible. Thx.Apprentice. Squire (for knights).
Right now I'm using 'trainee'.
I won't ask, sure. Not going to force you.
You could edit your posts together rather than triple posting.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on December 21, 2015, 07:11:46 pm
I feel that this is something I must become involved with. Participation will occur when it's not 3:26 AM.
Was this referring to the competition?
Post by: Amperzand on December 21, 2015, 08:53:09 pm
Post by: TD1 on January 05, 2016, 09:16:51 pm
Also, a bad dream I had. Wrote it for a prompt earlier today.
Dark. Like a harvest field at night,
When stubble strews the slopes
With shadows made of stalks.
I'm standing there, a porch with one
Frail candle staring out the wind.
An old man, head of white – the darkness drips
Around his jowls and in his jewelled eye
To make strange contrast. Please don't speak…
...But he does. It is a dream; of course he does.
And each word falls like serpent slime
Onto the ground before his slippered feet.
The sign squeals its uneasiness, and I agree
But cannot twist my form away. As phantom man,
I hear. He speaks, and this strange thing he says:
Aye. They came here, the folk, if it please you.
Ten years they come. I sit and watch. It's like a river,
Do ya ken? I suspect you do. All life a river.
Some end sooner. Term-in-ate, aye?
These young ones found some thing here.
They walked beneath our boughs, smelled of our flowers
But in the end they paid their price. As we all do.
He creaks. Bones, chair or floor?
I do not know. I do not ken. Is that the word?
I do not know. There is something here – I feel it
In my bones, see it in the air, smell it around. But what?
I am confused, sad, scared and sure that somewhere
There's a form. Swaddled deep in blankets – deep in sleep
Who'll think of this come morn and smile. But now there's only black
And some strange feeling of a harvest field
That not long since has felt the reaper's hand.
He continues, gums displayed in gruesome grim.
Found 'em later, he sighs. Beside the creek -not in,
You see, but up above. The boughs they liked,
Aye, and the boughs they had. The last they had.
He creaks again, and to my horror I can see
The river bank within my head. He keeps his chant,
But now it spins me, turns me, cleaves me from my sense.
I feel the weight of glazed out eyes staring from up above,
Death staring from their tree-top tombs.
And then the horror. I can discern, like leaves in gusting wind
The rustling crackle of the killer's breath. It's on my neck
It's on my neck. It's here. Beside me. 'Round me. Shadows see,
The darkness hears. Oh, light, it's here! And then the vision swirls
As in a fierce storm, and I see me run. Through the trees. I can only think
That those dead eyes ran this same path I tread. And I can't bear it,
No, not right now. A clack echoes, and I think gun, metal, hard caliber
But it seems that it's only him – his story done, he tells me. Thanks for listening.
A piece of paper flutters on the porch, some paper telling of the deaths.
So many dead for one small town, all strung in trees like Christmas lights.
And then I know. I know as much as I know of the bed I'm in. Darkness gathers
Around my erstwhile story teller, and I know.
He killed them all, and now my time is up. The field will see the reaper now.
Post by: Amperzand on January 05, 2016, 09:26:43 pm
Post by: Cheesecake on January 05, 2016, 11:19:19 pm
Spoiler: The Lantern (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on January 07, 2016, 04:05:06 pm
Spoiler: Random (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cheesecake on January 09, 2016, 07:03:19 am
Spoiler: The Flesh is Weak, but it is Beautiful (click to show/hide)
40K fanfic. A prologue for the story of Oculus the Servitor and his journey.
Post by: LordBrassroast on January 19, 2016, 06:42:53 pm
Is this crazy enough to be funny or exactly as stupid as it sounds?
Post by: vkiNm on January 20, 2016, 03:37:09 pm
Spoiler: Fear me (click to show/hide)
Post by: FallacyofUrist on January 20, 2016, 04:48:59 pm
Post by: vkiNm on January 20, 2016, 04:54:54 pm
Other than one problem, it was great! Especially the tone of it.
Problem: Realism for last part - if this is meant to be now, then the guy wouldn't be able to kill the dragon. Because... the dragon is large enough and the bullet is small enough that it would take pretty long for it to kill him. Also, if it is now, the bullet wouldn't powerful enough. A bullet in your forehead is lodged stuck (i'm pretty sure), so the bullet wouldn't be able to pierce any of the dragon bones, besides maybe claws or something (depends on ur dragon anatomy). That is, if it penetrated the scales. Which need to be strong enough to withstand flight speed.
If it's in the future, nvm. Or your dragon anatomy could just be different than mine.
In case you're talking about my story, give it another look. :P It wasn't a bullet. It was a dirty bomb with a dead man's switch. :D
Or Nuclear. But I wasn't sure if you could suicide bomb with nuclear or not so I kinda leave that ambigious.
Post by: WillowLuman on January 20, 2016, 07:49:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on January 21, 2016, 03:11:05 am
You'd have to probably constantly demonstrate the misunderstanding stuff for it to be funny. And the Viking wouldn't be able to understand anyone else, so... it'd be three guys walking around mistaking stuff for other stuff.I think that sort of premise need to strike a balance between serious and funny. Too comical, and it's trite. Too serious, and it's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.
On the other hand, you could make it more serious. But you'd have much less on the out of place thing, at least it'd be less important to the story.
But I think you could pull it off!
Post by: Amperzand on January 21, 2016, 05:32:04 am
Other than one problem, it was great! Especially the tone of it.
Problem: Realism for last part - if this is meant to be now, then the guy wouldn't be able to kill the dragon. Because... the dragon is large enough and the bullet is small enough that it would take pretty long for it to kill him. Also, if it is now, the bullet wouldn't powerful enough. A bullet in your forehead is lodged stuck (i'm pretty sure), so the bullet wouldn't be able to pierce any of the dragon bones, besides maybe claws or something (depends on ur dragon anatomy). That is, if it penetrated the scales. Which need to be strong enough to withstand flight speed.
If it's in the future, nvm. Or your dragon anatomy could just be different than mine.
In case you're talking about my story, give it another look. :P It wasn't a bullet. It was a dirty bomb with a dead man's switch. :D
Or Nuclear. But I wasn't sure if you could suicide bomb with nuclear or not so I kinda leave that ambigious.
You can, actually. Us crazy yankees made a nuke small enough for one guy to carry (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W54). Makes more sense than dirty-bombing a dragon, too, though not as much as just using an antitank rocket.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 24, 2016, 01:34:45 pm
When instructed to write about movementBreak up your sentences - you've got a lot of run-ons.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on January 28, 2016, 12:17:39 pm
Or bars of gold. Your clear cut gems,
Your search for life restoring streams
Means little to my mind.
What I would have is rain. Not much,
But just a sprinkle in the night
As I walk home. A drizzle, hard enough
To let me know I live to fight my fight,
Yet not so hard as to make me despair.
And up ahead I’d have a tree, a fir
That blocks the stars. And it would bring
Some sense of man’s mortality
Just by its presence, and its weathered years.
I dream of better times in which
My kin sit down as one. A time when I
Can look into the eyes of my love
And know her, every line and stitch.
And walking down the moon lit path
As stars come out, and breeze is fair
With moisture in its breath, and force
To run its fingers through my hair.
A time when heart can slow and calm,
And storms can break against the rock
That is our thought. Such would I have,
Had I the right to dream a world to life.
Ah, how free it would be, devoid of strife!
So keep your wealth, make a reality
That has no meaning. In my dreams
The sky is black, but there are stars
Brighter than gems or gleaming rings.
---
Also, is the competition going ahead?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 28, 2016, 12:31:48 pm
Post by: TD1 on January 28, 2016, 12:40:40 pm
Spoiler: Prompt: Lantern (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Competition Story - The Creature in the Morgue (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Lantern (click to show/hide)
How many were you looking? Maybe we could guilt people into writing stuff.
*Glares at non-posters and prepares the guilt-cannon.*
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 28, 2016, 01:27:30 pm
That... should be enough. I'd thought there was only three, and that's the level of "not enough submissions to make it count".
Ah, that's good.
Post by: TD1 on February 03, 2016, 10:25:52 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Can you guess the source? Try today!
Post by: Nullsrc on February 05, 2016, 01:01:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Been working on getting a new concept for a novel off the ground after I managed to write one last year; this is an excerpt from the end of the first chapter. This time I'm focusing on a more defined char (main char in previous work was on the bland side) and creating a more character-centric conflict.
Post by: Cheesecake on February 05, 2016, 02:30:23 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Been working on getting a new concept for a novel off the ground after I managed to write one last year; this is an excerpt from the end of the first chapter. This time I'm focusing on a more defined char (main char in previous work was on the bland side) and creating a more character-centric conflict.
I'm really interested in this! Wondering what she does exactly.... you mind sharing the novel concept?
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 05, 2016, 03:29:57 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Emma on February 05, 2016, 05:55:45 am
Thought I might as well share this. From the beginning of a thing I'm writing. My writing style is weird. The forum doesn't support paragraph spacing and I can't be bothered adding in new lines. RIP.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That was bloody great, I need more.
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 05, 2016, 06:03:20 am
Post by: Nullsrc on February 05, 2016, 11:24:41 am
I'm really interested in this! Wondering what she does exactly.... you mind sharing the novel concept?
Main thing I've got down right now is that she's the control test subject for some long-term space life technology, designed to counteract the negative effects of weightlessness. When several weeks pass without any word from HQ, she manages to return the satellite to earth, where she finds that practically all electronics have been destroyed and people have simply started killing each other over it.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 05, 2016, 07:13:47 pm
Is a few things perhaps to correct.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Been working on getting a new concept for a novel off the ground after I managed to write one last year; this is an excerpt from the end of the first chapter. This time I'm focusing on a more defined char (main char in previous work was on the bland side) and creating a more character-centric conflict.
Thought I might as well share this. From the beginning of a thing I'm writing. My writing style is weird. The forum doesn't support paragraph spacing and I can't be bothered adding in new lines. RIP.Break it up into distinct paragraphs would be my recommendation.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Nullsrc on February 05, 2016, 11:54:26 pm
Post by: TD1 on February 07, 2016, 05:44:53 pm
Throws shadows on the floor.
I sit, thinking of the cold winter rain
Blasting outside my stead-fast door.
My walls will hold, but not the trees
Who groan within the throes of sleep -
Their time has come to pay the fees
Which death collects come winter's reap.
And how the slate grey lake is tossed
So much a fisher may not dare its ways.
Thrice damned, the waves roll on uncrossed
Until some better, freer days.
I settle deep into the comfort and am glad
To hear the wind. It comforts as it maims,
But it mars naught that I have had
And so I hold it not to blame.
How strange it is for one to crack its cheeks
And bring serenity. How strange, how rare
To have a storm and never fear the leaks
Such bring. Instead, to think it fair
And love it for its passioned life.
It brings within its motion hope
That darkness, in the end, will not be wife
To those poor fools who end upon the rope.
I rise when ash is all that's left of flame,
And sigh. The wind goes on and does not die
But not that smaller life. The tempest overrode
Its effort at the last. No one will cry, and yet
To say I'd thought as much
Would be to lie.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 08, 2016, 03:56:05 pm
Spoiler: Intro (click to show/hide)
Ok, a few things.
I'd also recommend changing your structure and making more distinct paragraphs with empty lines between, ala...
---
He climbed swiftly up the to the peak and stared outward. The night breeze swept past his cheek, lightly caressing the top of his head.
Night.
Night is the first. Night is the clarity. He forced the words into his mind...
---
Post by: NRDL on February 08, 2016, 06:21:45 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I decided to try that writing technique where you write for 15 minutes then just STOP. Regardless of where you are. This is the result, a first chapter I suppose.
Post by: Nullsrc on February 08, 2016, 09:06:09 pm
I had fun reading that - really liked the sensory descriptionSpoiler (click to show/hide)
I decided to try that writing technique where you write for 15 minutes then just STOP. Regardless of where you are. This is the result, a first chapter I suppose.
In stark contrast, here's part of the second chapter, which I've been working on for the last few days before just yesterday starting in on 3. This is entirely infodump, of which I personally love to read and love to write, even if others do not.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Salsacookies on February 09, 2016, 11:23:57 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: adwarf on February 14, 2016, 02:20:40 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I was half-asleep when I wrote this, and I figured it was kind of pointless to just leave it cluttering my folders so here is as
Post by: WillowLuman on February 17, 2016, 11:33:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 18, 2016, 10:02:05 am
The same problem as before - you need to break up your sentences.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I was half-asleep when I wrote this, and I figured it was kind of pointless to just leave it cluttering my folders so here is asbestgood (damn brain) as place to put it as any. Maybe someone will enjoy it :v
Here's a story I'm working on for class, due quite urgently but I'm rather stuck on the endingBreak up into more distinct paragraphs.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"Un-fucking-believable" probably shouldn't all be capitalised.
Quote
if unsure what to do with them.. ItDouble full stop at the beginning.
Post by: WillowLuman on February 18, 2016, 01:57:45 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 18, 2016, 02:02:25 pm
You've also got a missing full stoip for the ellipse in
Quote
“..can I please have a snack bar?” asked Tamir quietly, ignored.
As for expansion, you could describe the actual encounter with were-man, their tent getting rekted, etc?
Post by: WillowLuman on February 18, 2016, 03:19:06 pm
Oh, yeah - you've got a few places where you need to start dialogue on a new line.How do they mean?
Post by: GiglameshDespair on February 18, 2016, 03:25:02 pm
Quote
The beast recoiled at the sudden light directly in its eyes. It raised two clawed hands to cover its face, but everyone took a step back upon seeing the rest of it. The huge, hunched figure was clad in the remains of a flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, a dense, coarse pelt poking through the tears. Behind it they could see the tent had collapsed, the blue fabric ripped and lying in a heap. “It really is Joe,” said Tamir.should probably be
Quote
The beast recoiled at the sudden light directly in its eyes. It raised two clawed hands to cover its face, but everyone took a step back upon seeing the rest of it. The huge, hunched figure was clad in the remains of a flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, a dense, coarse pelt poking through the tears. Behind it they could see the tent had collapsed, the blue fabric ripped and lying in a heap.etc
“It really is Joe,” said Tamir.
Post by: Emma on February 19, 2016, 04:11:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Nullsrc on February 28, 2016, 10:27:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I've now worked myself into this little hole where I love writing dialogue for this character but she almost never speaks. Oh well. :-\
Post by: Digital Hellhound on February 29, 2016, 04:35:09 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I've now worked myself into this little hole where I love writing dialogue for this character but she almost never speaks. Oh well. :-\
I can see why, you've got a knack for writing dialogue. I smiled a lot. I'd tell you to use regular 'said'-verbs more, but in this case, I guess it's not so glaring - all the undefined free-floating bits of dialogue are essentially the 'said's. Nice little scene.
Post by: Nullsrc on February 29, 2016, 10:19:10 pm
I can see why, you've got a knack for writing dialogue. I smiled a lot. I'd tell you to use regular 'said'-verbs more, but in this case, I guess it's not so glaring - all the undefined free-floating bits of dialogue are essentially the 'said's. Nice little scene.
I've never liked to use "said" at all - I do my best to limit its usage to when it's the most practical way of differentiating speaking, though. It usually gets used when its just too difficult to keep the thread of conversation intact. In most cases, I try to keep the speech itself different enough to where the reader can figure out who's speaking just from what's being said. Success varies.
Post by: Xantalos on March 01, 2016, 07:11:18 am
Post by: Xantalos on March 01, 2016, 07:16:18 am
Post by: Xantalos on March 01, 2016, 05:39:08 pm
Post by: WillowLuman on March 02, 2016, 02:00:28 am
The formatting is probably a bit messed up here, since it's pasted from a google doc. Still, tried to re-space it as best I could for presentability here.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Lermfish on March 03, 2016, 05:55:59 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 03, 2016, 06:11:57 pm
[spoiler=Extremely long thing]I crash through the doorway and grope for the light switch. While I flick it on, I rub my eyes with my left hand. Everything blurs. The way you start so many things on their own line is unnecessary if it's not dialogue, in my opinion.
I sit on a chair and blink blearily for a minute.With my vision clearer,(This can be assumed and doesn't need to be said.)I reach over and and turn off the lights. Or at least switch them to off. The light flickers, setting the room awash in an unhealthy orange, before stabilizing at a dim haze. A strap catches my attention, directing my gaze to a backpack strewn partly on the chair.
That’s better. It’s no trouble to see in the semi-darkness. It helps in ignoring the discolored patches on the walls, and I’m used to it, though in rare moments of weirdness it bothers me.Luckily, those moments are few.(You already said they were rare. No need to repeat yourself.)This way I don’t need to fix the lights. And let strangers into my apartment. Well, I definitely got what I paid for. The circular table that came with the place has never been used, but I did reposition some chairs.
I’m suddenly aware of a pressure in my stomach. Stumbling past an unused closet, I enter the bathroom. With a groan, I take care of the matter. The water is on nine out of ten times, but recently it seems that ten has been repeating itself.
It works, though honestly, I’m noteven(So you don't repeat even) sure I’d care or even notice too much if it didn’t. Leaving, I splash my face with some water from the sink. It… seems slightly less clean than the toilet water. Slightly. My nightly sanitization done, I crawl into bed.
Two minutes later I’m changing my clothes. Got a little too awake. (?) I changed into slightly cleaner clothes and introduced my face and arms to water, as I do ever so rarely. (Sudden shift to past tense.)With that done, I can sleep away the rest of the - day...
The musty air of my apartment touches my nose, but it’s the night breeze that I smell. (This seems self contradicting. If he can tell the air is musty he can smell it.) I walk down the stairs, out of the building, and end up in the fringes of the forest, stricken by an unexplainable impulse. Shadows cast by trees darken the grass. I tilt back my head, savoring the freshness of the air. My foot lifts of its own accord, bringing me into - the woods? I freeze. Why was I here?
Does it really matter? I answer myself, with aninvisible(To prevent repetition here again.) shrug. Hesitantly, I step forward. On an invisible path, I move steadily (Just a sentence ago, he was hesitant; steadily implies confidence. Perhaps he should either be more unsure or mention the protagonist gains his courage.)deeper into the trees.
Soon the branches obscure most of the moonlight, with only dappled spots of silver where it’s let through. I glance up, catching a glimpse of the moon. I stop to look at it, and instantly become captivated, slowing to a stop. I admire the silver sheen, the -
A leaf lands on my face, unnoticed as it fell. I shake my head, knocking it off. As I look up, a dark shape flits under the moon, and the moon disappears with it.
My initial thoughts on this.
I'll read more later, but try not to repeat information, and your formatting seems kinda odd to me.
Post by: WillowLuman on March 03, 2016, 06:12:34 pm
Oh. Cool! Now I can work on my skills with a positive-minded community! I assume any creative writing is fair-game. Hopefully I can put some Chrononaut stuff up here. I need to develop that verse some more.Yes, any creative writing is fine. Let's see what you've got!
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 10, 2016, 08:45:19 pm
It's pretty much my instinctual formatting, with not much editing. There were a lot of parts in which I think I'd said really awkwardly, which is my main concern.
Thanks! (as always)
Also:Quote(This seems self contradicting. If he can tell the air is musty he can smell it.)
Experience.
"Experience" doesn't make it not contradicting. Musty means it smells of mold. If he can tell its musty he can smell it.
If he's decisive, he's not hesistant. If he's hesitant, he's not decisive. If he's nervous, there are other ways to show it - eyes wide, glancing around blindly, he nonetheless forced himself onward at a steady pace. Etc, etc.Quote(Just a sentence ago, he was hesitant; steadily implies confidence. Perhaps he should either be more unsure or mention the protagonist gains his courage.
I meant that he moved at a constant pace. It's supposed to mean that even though he's hesitant he still decisive.
((Btw I've got more, but I think I'll wait to post that.))
Consistency is key. Don't contract yourself except in rare, very deliberate circumstances.
Ok, next chunk.
Spoiler: Extremely long thing (click to show/hide)
Something you seem to have done a lot is a lot of "X happens, then Y happens, then Z happens. The whole thing feels kinda dry?
Keep in mind what kind of atmosphere you're trying to build. Suspenseful? Mysterious? Threatening? Then work towards that. At the moment it doesn't really have one.
Post by: Insanegame27 on March 10, 2016, 08:56:52 pm
Saving Dr Grey (https://drive.google.com/open?id=1yOFEJ9m6tZB1ZyAbwYsqZLKY8Wz2rP2Z6f4YJIYT8d8): Based off of a FG&RP game I'm in.
Hiding Melot (https://drive.google.com/open?id=19wTsiU3tmvlmOlRVVTUhrYFYIAolAxd_k3uQOWr5Dkg)
Would anyone be willing to cowrite a story with me?
Post by: AbstractTraitorHero on March 10, 2016, 09:07:38 pm
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 11, 2016, 03:45:29 pm
Hiding Melot (https://drive.google.com/open?id=19wTsiU3tmvlmOlRVVTUhrYFYIAolAxd_k3uQOWr5Dkg)
I will admit beforehand I disn't read the whole thing - I read quickly up to his father giving him the sword before giving up.
My initial thoughts, however, is it feels somewhat generic. The special, powerful animal races are persecuted by the racist humans.
The cat hybrid having both human ears and cat ears is also... strange. I don't think I've seen that before.
The cat people have one battle, of untrained, pretty-much unarmed civilians against trained, armed soldiers, and they win?
Be cautious of making species "human but better".
Post by: Insanegame27 on March 17, 2016, 01:59:11 am
Thank you for your critique. It feels generic. On re-reading it it kind of does feel generic. I was aiming for the perfect middlepoint for the animal people, where they are literally a humanoid (insert animal).Hiding Melot (https://drive.google.com/open?id=19wTsiU3tmvlmOlRVVTUhrYFYIAolAxd_k3uQOWr5Dkg)
I will admit beforehand I disn't read the whole thing - I read quickly up to his father giving him the sword before giving up.
My initial thoughts, however, is it feels somewhat generic. The special, powerful animal races are persecuted by the racist humans.
The cat hybrid having both human ears and cat ears is also... strange. I don't think I've seen that before.
The cat people have one battle, of untrained, pretty-much unarmed civilians against trained, armed soldiers, and they win?
Be cautious of making species "human but better".
The battle. I made it that they won only because of their night vision and tactical error on the part of the humans.
Post by: Fishbreath on March 17, 2016, 07:59:48 pm
I hope soon to add some of the descriptive text from my 1920s atlases, because they're pretty awesome.
Post by: Salsacookies on March 23, 2016, 02:52:18 pm
Spoiler: The Ragenauts: New Scout Tower (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on March 23, 2016, 03:39:46 pm
This is basically a rough draft of a series of short stories I want to start up. This takes place in a run-down district of Monopolville, a metropolis in the near future of a world like our own, but rather strange and surreal. This story series tells the misadventures of one of many gangs, the Ragenauts. These people are neither heroes nor villains, just people who banded together in a place that went straight up FUBAR to best survive. Critique would be much appreciated, and thanks for reading.Far too short to give any sort of proper input as regards to plot, but:Spoiler: The Ragenauts: New Scout Tower (click to show/hide)
If it's first person, the beginning feels too impersonal. Did the protagonist make their way there? It doesn't seem like you've decided whether or not it's from the viewpoint of one of the gang members. Sort that out. Consistency is key.
"something to be worthwhile" is very clunky and should be fixed.
Are the called Ragesters or Ragenauts?
Territory 'running thin' doesn't seem right - it's not being used up, it's presumably getting crowded. Use something that more suggests crowding.
Grab suggests they're scavenging, not occupying a building.
Quote
a yellow tape of'quarentine' hereYou've both misspelt quarantine and you're missing a space. This is also just poor english - "Sure, there's yellow quarantine tape over there, and a blood-splattered 'help' over there, but that's from forever ago." would be much better. I've added the 'from'.
Post by: Salsacookies on March 23, 2016, 03:56:50 pm
Thanks for the critique. I think this would be far better off as an animation or comic, it was hard to write up what little I did. I was trying to use bad grammar artistically, because I'm trying to give off the idea that these people don't know proper grammar, and that they've made up their own gang slang, but that was even worse. Trying to do that while also properly telling people what's going on will only hold the book down. I'll leave this idea for later. Thanks for reading.This is basically a rough draft of a series of short stories I want to start up. This takes place in a run-down district of Monopolville, a metropolis in the near future of a world like our own, but rather strange and surreal. This story series tells the misadventures of one of many gangs, the Ragenauts. These people are neither heroes nor villains, just people who banded together in a place that went straight up FUBAR to best survive. Critique would be much appreciated, and thanks for reading.Far too short to give any sort of proper input as regards to plot, but:Spoiler: The Ragenauts: New Scout Tower (click to show/hide)
If it's first person, the beginning feels too impersonal. Did the protagonist make their way there? It doesn't seem like you've decided whether or not it's from the viewpoint of one of the gang members. Sort that out. Consistency is key.
"something to be worthwhile" is very clunky and should be fixed.
Are the called Ragesters or Ragenauts?
Territory 'running thin' doesn't seem right - it's not being used up, it's presumably getting crowded. Use something that more suggests crowding.
Grab suggests they're scavenging, not occupying a building.Quotea yellow tape of'quarentine' hereYou've both misspelt quarantine and you're missing a space. This is also just poor english - "Sure, there's yellow quarantine tape over there, and a blood-splattered 'help' over there, but that's from forever ago." would be much better. I've added the 'from'.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 28, 2016, 05:56:31 pm
Spoiler: Eight hours before the fall (click to show/hide)
With this I'm mostly interested in whether my sentences seem too long or hard to read, whether it's easy to comprehend what's going on in my action scene, and whether my description of being injured feels apt. If anything else feels wrong, I'd like to know, too.
Spoiler: Inscribed on a strangely seared brass plate (click to show/hide)
With this, my primary interest is if this feels threatening enough, and if there's some way to inject additional pathos into it.
But anyway, I would be interested in any other comments as well.
Post by: LordBrassroast on April 07, 2016, 05:25:02 pm
I was thinking of writing a book or perhaps a selection of short stories about 3 Vikings who are accidentally sent to the Old West in a block of ice intended for a refrigerator.
Is this crazy enough to be funny or exactly as stupid as it sounds?
And here it is, several months later.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 07, 2016, 06:30:13 pm
By all means, do continue.I was thinking of writing a book or perhaps a selection of short stories about 3 Vikings who are accidentally sent to the Old West in a block of ice intended for a refrigerator.
Is this crazy enough to be funny or exactly as stupid as it sounds?
And here it is, several months later.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Emma on April 07, 2016, 06:41:05 pm
Please do, I'd be interested to see how this develops.By all means, do continue.I was thinking of writing a book or perhaps a selection of short stories about 3 Vikings who are accidentally sent to the Old West in a block of ice intended for a refrigerator.
Is this crazy enough to be funny or exactly as stupid as it sounds?
And here it is, several months later.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Emma on April 17, 2016, 04:16:27 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sorry for the double post but this topic hasn't been posted in for ages.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on April 17, 2016, 01:58:19 pm
I daydreamed about some sort of angry message demanding the surrender of a castle, and decided to write it out. Then I somehow wrote a snippet about a soldier besieging that same castle. The events below take place in some nondescript 'verse I smoked up in half an hour, but I tried to keep things somewhat consistent.The way you do dialogue is... unique. Personally, I think it'd look a lot clearer if you used " or '.Spoiler: Eight hours before the fall (click to show/hide)
With this I'm mostly interested in whether my sentences seem too long or hard to read, whether it's easy to comprehend what's going on in my action scene, and whether my description of being injured feels apt. If anything else feels wrong, I'd like to know, too.Spoiler: Inscribed on a strangely seared brass plate (click to show/hide)
With this, my primary interest is if this feels threatening enough, and if there's some way to inject additional pathos into it.
But anyway, I would be interested in any other comments as well.
I vaguely recall you being russian? So maybe it's a country thing. Either way, to me it'd be a lot better with speech marks.
Your writing is pretty good, though.
Here's the first of 6 connected scenes.Spoiler: A Steady Rhythm 1 (click to show/hide)
Issues:
Call it a sniper rifle. A sniper rifle is a gun. A sniper is a man who shoots that gun.
She's either kneeling or laying down - she can't be both.
Is the piece of paper placed outside the window or inside? You mention it's placed on a desk. Why did Kyle Jorn place it there, then look at it?
Why was the window being open important if she shoots through it anyway?
The sudden switch to first person is disruptive. If you want to show it as her thoughts, either add it elsewhere as well or get rid of it. Italicising it would also help, as it then would stand out as different to the rest of your narrative.
We know the bullet hit him in the head if his head starts bleeding. It feels clunky to add it lodged in his skull.
The way it's written isn't descriptive in an interesting way - and it doesn't describe the important parts. What does this Kyle Jorn look like? You briefly describe the bodyguard. You describe the table. But you don't describe what her target looks like.
You also mostly ignore the other senses. You also don't describe her thought processes at all, what she feels or thinks about assassinating a man. What can she hear, smell, feel?
What time of day is it?
You want the shot to be visceral, dramatic. A man was just murdered. It feels too... dry.
Spoiler: A Steady Rhythm 2 (click to show/hide)
Same problems as above.
Hmm... apparently we'll be doing a fantasy unit in class after break. Should I use something I have ~partly developed, go with something completely new (and probably sucky, my ideas always suck at first, before I refine x100), or combine two things?Without knowing any of what you're referring to, it's impossible to say. However, you probably want to go with the most developed idea.
I had to write this for and English class, this means that it's slightly better edited than usual. I'd be interested to see what you guys think of it as I'm quite proud of it even if the ending is really rushed.Isn't he a manager, rather than a CEO?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sorry for the double post but this topic hasn't been posted in for ages.
Post by: Emma on April 17, 2016, 06:08:39 pm
He's meant to be a manager who becomes CEO.I had to write this for and English class, this means that it's slightly better edited than usual. I'd be interested to see what you guys think of it as I'm quite proud of it even if the ending is really rushed.Isn't he a manager, rather than a CEO?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sorry for the double post but this topic hasn't been posted in for ages.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 18, 2016, 07:06:30 pm
Duly noted. I was kind of on the fence about the formatting myself.I daydreamed about some sort of angry message demanding the surrender of a castle, and decided to write it out. Then I somehow wrote a snippet about a soldier besieging that same castle. The events below take place in some nondescript 'verse I smoked up in half an hour, but I tried to keep things somewhat consistent.The way you do dialogue is... unique. Personally, I think it'd look a lot clearer if you used " or '.Spoiler: Eight hours before the fall (click to show/hide)
With this I'm mostly interested in whether my sentences seem too long or hard to read, whether it's easy to comprehend what's going on in my action scene, and whether my description of being injured feels apt. If anything else feels wrong, I'd like to know, too.Spoiler: Inscribed on a strangely seared brass plate (click to show/hide)
With this, my primary interest is if this feels threatening enough, and if there's some way to inject additional pathos into it.
But anyway, I would be interested in any other comments as well.
I vaguely recall you being russian? So maybe it's a country thing. Either way, to me it'd be a lot better with speech marks.
Post by: Quartz_Mace on April 20, 2016, 03:08:05 pm
I think the most accurate way to describe my idea is a post-cataclysm renaissance (in the revival sense of the word) story. One day, I got to thinking about how most "post-apocalyptic" fiction has the world devastated, but not quite destroyed, and of the small remaining people, some communities form and anarchy rules pretty much everywhere else. Well, I want to draw from that concept in a more realistic way.
So here's the deal. The year is 2084 (I want to write it far enough in the future that many of the changes are plausible, but also close enough that I don't have to write centuries of fake history and technological predictions). Many changes have been made to the world since the current day. Some new countries have formed. I don't plan on going in to detail about them here, but I've kept a list of important changes (a few highlights: Scotland seceded from U.K. Texas seceded from U.S. Kurdistan was formed.) and plan to map these out before I really start writing. The major nuclear powers of the world have a nuclear war which is swiftly over and results in the destruction/fracturing of most of these. Many countries that were out of the way, neutral, and/or had very good anti-nuclear defense programs survived. Some notable survivors include Canada, Mexico, most of South America, England (though London was hit. Capitol moved to Birmingham.), Scotland, Ireland, Switzerland (good position in mountains, neutrality, and anti-nuke defenses), the Scandinavian countries, most of Africa(not a large target for major powers), Israel (really high tech defenses.), and Australia.
This book will follow a group of U.N. peacekeepers who were working down South in the Congo at the time. After the old world falls, they find themselves stuck far away in a foreign country in which all of the insurgent groups and factions who had previously been kept in check by diplomatic pressure and threat of intervention by the West now see it as a prime opportunity to strike. With the U.N. in shambles, they find themselves cut off from aid, reinforcements, supplies, and most news of the rest of the world. They must adapt and find a way to survive in this new changing world whilst simultaneously trying to uphold their mission and their values.
Right now, I'm trying to decide if the book should be written in third person(probably omniscient) or as a first-hand account from one of those peacekeepers who looks back upon his journey. A major part of the eventual story arc I'm planning involves this group working to protect and spread history and knowledge, and I think a soldier's memoir of this particular event would be a very natural form of worldbuilding with which to accomplish this. What do you think as far as perspective is concerned?
Note about future setting: this is only a work of fiction and in no way reflects what I truly think will happen to the world. It is merely a work of fiction that attempts to be realistic. It may contain minor science fiction, but that will be far from the focus. I'll likely include new weapons that are currently being experimented with but have yet to see implementation of standardization to keep things from getting out of hand.
Post by: Sanctume on April 20, 2016, 04:38:36 pm
It could also work like World War Z style documentary from a journalist, but embedded with troops.
Post by: TD1 on April 22, 2016, 07:05:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: StrawBarrel on April 24, 2016, 02:36:32 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 24, 2016, 05:53:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's pretty great - it feels like something that would have been written a century or two ago, but in a good way. A few phrases feel off to me though, for one: "I once knew many people, / Many lands and many folk" - because it's a little redundant: people and folk are synonymous, right?
For two: "Colours 'gainst the Carribean sky on ropes / Which seemed to sing the songs of Nymphs" - I love this one in general, flag symbolism always gives me the shivers - but the "on ropes" bit sounds both redundant again and a bit too prosaic among that. I mean, what else would they have been hoisting them on?
I really like it, though.
Post by: TD1 on April 25, 2016, 12:08:12 pm
Avis: I think the first one is excusable, as whilst you can say people and folk are the same, folk can also sort of imply a nation. So - I once knew many [individuals], many lands and many [cultures/nationalities]. That was my intent - it's good to see how it could be interpreted in another way, though.
As for the second one, I agree - that line was a stumbling block to me. Especially since I now realise I misspelled Caribbean, heh. But yes, I ought to have edited it in the time between writing and posting.
Thanks for the feedback - especially the critical elements.
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 27, 2016, 06:53:19 am
Post by: Insanegame27 on May 02, 2016, 03:47:04 am
Alternate history inspired by the Girls und Panzer anime (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ulu73rz2xInM8INr8RPlirheEDaA6ve2-v5wLEQZu5A/edit?usp=sharing)Bump for lack of feedback
Post by: Cheesecake on May 04, 2016, 09:57:37 am
Spoiler: The Red Beast (click to show/hide)
I originally planned it to be a 40k thing about feral Khorne worshippers, but I think it stands well on its own. Feedback please!
Post by: Parsely on May 04, 2016, 10:41:00 am
I fixed indenting (I mostly didn't mess with your choices on where paragraphs began and ended) and some spelling mistakes:
Spoiler: The Red Beast (click to show/hide)
It won't look very pretty on this website because the margins are quite wide on Bay12 and it makes it look like you're not writing very much, but if you throw your text in a word processor and give it a proper font type and size and formatting you might find that what you're writing starts to look like an actual book. You will start taking your own writing seriously if you treat it that way!
Post by: Cheesecake on May 04, 2016, 08:40:46 pm
Spoiler: This thing, though (click to show/hide)
I don't believe it needed a new indent, since it's still the same dialogue. It was just a pause, to show he started smiling. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate you fixing it up and everything. (And for the record, I do take my own writing seriously :P)
Post by: sjm9876 on May 14, 2016, 04:40:16 pm
Not especially pleased with it, but staring at it for the past three days has made no difference, so any feedback is obviously welcome.
Spoiler: Scene (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on May 26, 2016, 04:39:19 am
What I have of the plot so far is below:
Spoiler: plot (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 29, 2016, 03:12:15 pm
Just dropping in a thing I've been working on that may form the introduction to a forum game at some point or other.
Not especially pleased with it, but staring at it for the past three days has made no difference, so any feedback is obviously welcome.Spoiler: Scene (click to show/hide)
This is rather late feedback, but eh. :P
As per normal check in the spoiler.
So I'm terrible at writing scenes without action in them so I decided to make a story which revolves around complex social interactions as the driving point.That is not enough writing to make a worthwhile judgement, but my personal opinion on self-inserts is that they are typically pretty awful.
What I have of the plot so far is below:Spoiler: plot (click to show/hide)
-----
Anyway, my own writing:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on May 29, 2016, 03:20:40 pm
Quote
With fire, Man found the secret of the world.This felt a tad abrupt to me, though.
Man remembered why they once feared the dark.
Post by: sjm9876 on May 29, 2016, 03:37:46 pm
Quote from: @ Gigla
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Well written as per :P Couple of small thing in the spoiler.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 29, 2016, 04:31:52 pm
I liked the premise, and the writing style was immersive.It was kind of meant to be. I didn't really want to get into what they found or what it did, since it's the intro lore for a game I'm planning, but perhaps it's too abrupt.QuoteWith fire, Man found the secret of the world.This felt a tad abrupt to me, though.
Man remembered why they once feared the dark.
"Then shit got real" doesn't quite fit, though. :P
@ Gigla: Cheers :)Ah, brilliant. Thanks.Quote from: @ GiglaSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Well written as per :P Couple of small thing in the spoiler.
Post by: Solifuge on June 03, 2016, 01:34:29 am
I have a Fiction problem; specifically, I have extreme trouble whenever I want to imagine a setting that operates on non-realistic or magical rules, or which ignores the rules and elements of our universe, or which is otherwise set in a simplified fictional reality. When I start writing characters or creating a setting, I keep getting caught up in thinking about things in terms of Planets and Biology and Conservation of Energy and Things That Happened and other forms of realism that I can't help but take for granted. Some of the time, this style of setting works, but it's more often been a hurdle for me as a writer. I LOVE simplified, imaginative settings that are a significant departure from the one we know, and that's closer to what I want to be writing most of the time. That aside, it seems like avoiding Mostly Realistic ideas frees up a bunch of room for stronger archetypal characters, unexpected worldbuilding and situations, and that whole sense of discovery and surprise that sort of fiction conveys.
TL;DR, science and pre-existing knowledge is bogging down my writing, and getting in the way of my ability to think magically, and/or create certain kinds of surreal/imaginative situations and settings. Moreover, not only is it hard to challenge this taken-for-granted realism all the time, it's also using up a bunch of mental cycles I'd rather be using creating meaningful situations and characters. How do you compartmentalize realistic elements or scientific understanding of Earth, people, physics, the Universe, or whatever when creating settings? And how do you foster that ability?
Post by: Parsely on June 03, 2016, 02:53:50 am
Edit: Me and GiglameshDespair have been writing a setting together that's about medieval people who find mechs buried underground and start using them. It's super liberating after crunching so much time into my hard sci-fi comic just to make sure all the space travel and shit was legit. By the time I got to the actual storytelling I was completely exhausted. We're telling this story from the perspective of the medieval characters, so there's never any science involved. We can come up with plausible explanations that make us happy without needing to explain it to the reader, which IMO is the reason I focus so much on science in a story (for the READER's sake; the reader is also me, because I want to write stories I would like to read) If you adopt the mindset of an ignorant character, it helps you to distance yourself from the science behind the scenes.
Post by: sjm9876 on June 03, 2016, 05:19:43 am
For example, there was a world of mine, The Lone Isle. It was essentially a hunk of land floating adrift in the endless void, yet still functioning like a normal world, with day/night, gravity etc. The main fantasy element was runic magic v free magic, with incredibly powerful beings being able to harness free magic to basically do anything, because the world's magic = power to break all the rules. Rune magic let this be controlled. My solution to making this all work in my mind was to make one of the first beings, back when free magic was all the rage, actually inscribe runes on the underside of this hunk of rock. In the very centre it created a sort of lexicon that contained all the runes. Said being then basically poured his own power into it, so people harnessing rune magic were basically harnessing the being's power.
The key point is, that to the people in the world, it was basically earthlike + rune magic + creatures of great power. The rest of it was just there to satisfy my brain and maybe reward really scientific players (as this was for a game).
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 03, 2016, 07:03:10 am
Make your magic systems internally consistent. That it can do impossible things should be a given - it's magic - but internal consistency is absolutely key in making it feel like you're not just pulling it out your butt.
Post by: Solifuge on June 03, 2016, 10:23:08 am
What I was trying to say, in another way; having learned a lot about how and why the Universe and Earth is the way it is, it keeps getting in the way of my ability to imagine simplified, surreal, or non-realistic settings. I want to develop my ability to step outside the realm of rationality, or away from the assumptions and For-Granteds that I carry everywhere in my day-to-day life. I'm not saying "throw out all rationality" either; introducing consistency and rules (when it actually -does- help rather than bog down the story) is easy enough later, once I have a good foundation that's significantly removed from Stuff-As-It-Exists, you know?
The main thing I'm working at is developing an ability to step outside that whole Rational, systematic, causality-minded mindset, and get closer to the sense of confused wonder and awe that inspired early humans to think about mythology and magic in the first place, so I can use that mindset as a tool for creating things. I'm often not even aware of half the assumptions I make about the nature of everything; fundamentally surreal or Magical Thinking is a headspace I only seem to be able to access well when I'm dreaming, but it's been a really helpful and liberating creative tool the few times I've been able to use it. In a nutshell, I'm hoping to be able to get better at creativity where I don't start from a Real World baseline when I'm awake.
Sorry again if this is horribly vague again. I don't know how else to convey this. >_<;
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 03, 2016, 11:24:52 am
Not sure really how to help with that. A lot of magical thinking seems to just be connecting things based on similar elements.
Hmm.
Maybe you could try it from the opposite direction? Make a fantasy pantheon, healing herbs and magic rituals, and then reverse it - why is this herb good for the blood? Maybe because it's a similar red, or looked like a heart when it flowers. Why did that mountain form? Well, it was where a giant sat down and died - see, that rocky crag looks like his face.
Whether or not that pantheon and magic is real is besides the point. For the purposes of belief, treat it like it did.
But as I said, I don't really know hoe to help with getting into the mindset. It's not something I've ever personally had trouble with.
Post by: sjm9876 on June 03, 2016, 11:42:26 am
Yeah, that's a bit of a bugger to fix.
As an exercise. maybe introduce a single fantasy element - doesn't have to be original, you could easily nab one from elsewhere - and think through how that would impact a non-fantasy world when you added it. Rinse and repeat. Not really sure how helpful this would be, but seems like it might help?
Post by: Solifuge on June 03, 2016, 07:31:07 pm
Anyway, posting here was kind of a desperation move. I'mma just keep working at it until I find a process that works, and see what I can do. Much obliged for the pointers!
Post by: TheBiggerFish on June 03, 2016, 10:32:21 pm
Post by: Emma on June 04, 2016, 07:11:10 pm
Don't think starting a drug habit is the way to cheat at magical thinking either. :3Well, you know. Whatever works. Disclaimer: Don't do drugs.
Post by: BlackHeartKabal on June 04, 2016, 09:43:47 pm
Spoiler: A story inspired by a dream. (click to show/hide)
Post by: bluwolfie on June 09, 2016, 01:49:24 am
Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Post by: Insanegame27 on June 09, 2016, 02:40:08 am
I would like to participate.Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.
Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Post by: bluwolfie on June 09, 2016, 02:44:58 am
I would like to participate.Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.
Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Thank ye, I will work on this.
Post by: bluwolfie on June 10, 2016, 02:00:43 am
I would like to participate.Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.
Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Here's a super duper, raw ass raw rough draft of the prelude for your perusal. Part of my reason for sharing this at this point is hopefully, if other people are interested, I will feel less inclined to abandon this project.
"Vern shoots shark
He looked at his phone, turned pale, then quickly left the room, a skinny man was he. She watched him, smiling, a firey redhead. He knew what he had to do, he walked over to his car and struggled to pull out his keys, nervous. He looked up to see the big bald one staring him down. He steeled himself and glared back, the bald man smirked. He stared as he opened the door and got in. An old station wagon, perputally on it's last legs. The car whined and sputtered as it started and he was on his way. He wiped the sweat off his brow as he readied for what he was about to do. He looked up at the night sky and considered his options.. He shook his head and scratched at his neck, raw with dried blood and flakes of dead skin. He knew what he had to do. He opened the glove box and pulled out a small, 9mm pistol and rested it upon his lap. Soon he pulled up to an old tattoo parlor off the main road into town, it was quiet out here now, though the place saw a lot of business during the day.
The skinny man looked at himself in the mirror, eyes bloodshot as he nerviously vibrated. He put on a ski mask and covered his neck with his collar, opened the door and stood up, gun in hand. He closed the door and walked around to the back entrance, he opened the door, he knew it would be unlocked. "Mo! Is dat chu?" a man hollared, but he did not respond. He came up a hallway off the back door, decorated with various displays of tat art and snuck around the cornor, there sat a mountan of a man giving himself a tattoo, his back turned. "Seriously Mo', you shouldda come an hour ago, I already moked' it all" he said, with a laugh. *BANG* *Flash*"
Post by: Pencil_Art on June 10, 2016, 03:23:22 am
Spoiler: Feedback appreciated (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 10, 2016, 05:17:53 am
I didn't have long, but after skimming through:I would like to participate.Write a story from the point of view of six people who suddenly find themselves very poor for whatever reasons - home invasions, mugging, overspending, that kind of stuff - and subsequently get themselves in debt to a gang which coerces them to rob a bunch of fast food stores. The group of six find themselves in the green once again, their debts paid off. To seat themselves firmly in the green again, they decide on one final robbery. Unfortunately for them, they choose to do so in an area where most people own guns, and a shoot-out occurs, resulting in serious injury or death to some of the crew.
Could someone shoot me a fairly simple prompt? It's actually been a while since I've written, and I want to get back into it and hopefully actually complete something, or more.
Here's a super duper, raw ass raw rough draft of the prelude for your perusal. Part of my reason for sharing this at this point is hopefully, if other people are interested, I will feel less inclined to abandon this project.
"Vern shoots shark
He looked at his phone, turned pale, then quickly left the room, a skinny man was he. She watched him, smiling, a firey redhead. He knew what he had to do, he walked over to his car and struggled to pull out his keys, nervous. He looked up to see the big bald one staring him down. He steeled himself and glared back, the bald man smirked. He stared as he opened the door and got in. An old station wagon, perputally on it's last legs. The car whined and sputtered as it started and he was on his way. He wiped the sweat off his brow as he readied for what he was about to do. He looked up at the night sky and considered his options.. He shook his head and scratched at his neck, raw with dried blood and flakes of dead skin. He knew what he had to do. He opened the glove box and pulled out a small, 9mm pistol and rested it upon his lap. Soon he pulled up to an old tattoo parlor off the main road into town, it was quiet out here now, though the place saw a lot of business during the day.
The skinny man looked at himself in the mirror, eyes bloodshot as he nerviously vibrated. He put on a ski mask and covered his neck with his collar, opened the door and stood up, gun in hand. He closed the door and walked around to the back entrance, he opened the door, he knew it would be unlocked. "Mo! Is dat chu?" a man hollared, but he did not respond. He came up a hallway off the back door, decorated with various displays of tat art and snuck around the cornor, there sat a mountan of a man giving himself a tattoo, his back turned. "Seriously Mo', you shouldda come an hour ago, I already moked' it all" he said, with a laugh. *BANG* *Flash*"
No need to italicise and put it in quote marks. To save space and make it clear that that text is the story, you could put it in a spoiler.
Ellipses (...) are three dots, not two.
Begin dialogue on a new line. In fact, you need to break it all up into more paragraphs, I would say. Many of your sentences are disjointed and don't really flow.
I noticed mispelt words. Spellcheck your work before you post it, raw draft or not.
Quote
*BANG* *Flash*"[/i]In proper writing never do this. It's awful in every way.
Post by: BlackHeartKabal on June 10, 2016, 05:34:02 pm
Could, um, someone give me some feedback, instructions for improvement, on this?Spoiler: A story inspired by a dream. (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 10, 2016, 06:27:03 pm
(as well as grammar corrections and stuff, which I guess I could do myself).Do that yourself. Simple things like that, if you can do them yourself, should be done by you.
Otherwise it's somewhat of a waste of time.
I'll be honest; it's not good. It's inconsistent (occasionally dips in present tense, things like "2 or three"), it tells rather than shows, and it has spelling mistakes.
---
Hmm, beginnings of a story underway.Not much happens. Beginning of a story, sure, but it lacks anything particularly interesting, and it tells us very little about the protagonist.Spoiler: Feedback appreciated (click to show/hide)
It's not awful, but something about the writing style I dislike. Like it's trying to be light and whimsical but failing? I'm not sure.
Anyway. check within the spoiler to see my main thoughts.
---
Could, um, someone give me some feedback, instructions for improvement, on this?Alright, keep yer butt on :v
In spoiler.Spoiler: A story inspired by a dream. (click to show/hide)
Overall... feels like it's trying too hard to be poignant and dramatic.
We have no knowledge of the protagonist beyond "has a spear" and "is in love with lady" and the lady has not details whatsoever beyond "eye candy" and "sweet voice."
His killer has also no details.
We have no knowledge of the situation, the setting, or the location. Why was the protagonist tired?
Think of the other sensations of being tired. Sweat trickles down your brow and stings your eyes, leaving a tang of salt on dry, cracked lips. Limbs tremble slightly under the tension of keeping you upright, a soft burn spiking with every movement. Blood pounds in your ears like thunder, filling the room with the pounding of your heart. Exhaustion fills your head with fog, and your vision blurs until you scrunch your eyes shut for a moment and try to focus.
You want to describe what the character is feeling, more than just "is in love with lady." We get that. You said that, perhaps a little too much. Think on the other sensations of the body.
Post by: BlackHeartKabal on June 10, 2016, 06:36:36 pm
Right. Thank you for the criticism. I did base this thing on a dream I had, so I only had that very, very vague guideline of it, and it was tainted by dream logic. Person I was protecting had my attention for most of the dream, which is why I had so much focus on that. I'll improve from what you've told me.Could, um, someone give me some feedback, instructions for improvement, on this?Alright, keep yer butt on :vIn spoiler.Spoiler: A story inspired by a dream. (click to show/hide)
Overall... feels like it's trying too hard to be poignant and dramatic.
We have no knowledge of the protagonist beyond "has a spear" and "is in love with lady" and the lady has not details whatsoever beyond "eye candy" and "sweet voice."
His killer has also no details.
We have no knowledge of the situation, the setting, or the location. Why was the protagonist tired?
Think of the other sensations of being tired. Sweat trickles down your brow and stings your eyes, leaving a tang of salt on dry, cracked lips. Limbs tremble slightly under the tension of keeping you upright, a soft burn spiking with every movement. Blood pounds in your ears like thunder, filling the room with the pounding of your heart. Exhaustion fills your head with fog, and your vision blurs until you scrunch your eyes shut for a moment and try to focus.
You want to describe what the character is feeling, more than just "is in love with lady." We get that. You said that, perhaps a little too much. Think on the other sensations of the body.
Post by: Emma on June 10, 2016, 07:23:07 pm
This isn't mine - oh, no offense friend but it's much worse than mine. I want to get him some good feedback/suggestions, (as well as grammar corrections and stuff, which I guess I could do myself). His writing style is very... crude... but try not to put your own style into your edits, please.I'll probably give more detailed feedback when I have access to a computer but from a fairly quick read it doesn't look good. It seems to be a fairly bog standard special snowflake story and that makes it really boring and honestly pretty awful. And yeah, while this might seem hypocritical coming from someone who's written plenty of those shitty Mary Sue stories themselves the sooner you're friend is told to write about interesting people who have real faults the better.Spoiler: This is it (click to show/hide)
Post by: Emma on June 11, 2016, 05:49:40 am
Spoiler: A story inspired by a dream. (click to show/hide)
Overall it's not too bad. I disagree with GiglameshDespair about the poignancy and dramtic... icy, but that could just be personal taste. Be aware that some of my comments are also personal taste.
Hmm, beginnings of a story underway.It's alright, it uses a bit too much telling rather than showing. If I'm honest it doesn't interest me overly much as it stands, but it seems to have the seeds of a good story.Spoiler: Feedback appreciated (click to show/hide)
I wouldn't mind some opinions on this:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 11, 2016, 06:18:20 am
I wouldn't mind some opinions on this:As stories go it's too short to say- it's only 200 words or so, not enough to get a proper feeling for the story.It's really early but I'd to know whether it's worth continuing before investing too much more time in it.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Of course, check in the spoiler.
Think of the other senses. You have sight down, but don't mention hearing enough. What can the protagonist feel, hear, taste? Do the leaves crinkle softly at every footfall, or do they release the smell of loam and mould at each step? Is there the rustling of beasts in the undergrowth, the call of nightbirds, the whispering of a breeze through the branches?
Personally, I would reword the first couple of sentences.
Maybe something like:
The forest was dark but for the blades of moonlight that cut through the shifting canopy. The soft rustling of branches made the shadows dance across the thick carpet of leaves that muffled the forest floor.
Post by: Fishbreath on June 11, 2016, 08:24:35 am
Here's the first entry of the choose your own adventure story:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Pencil_Art on June 12, 2016, 12:24:39 am
Post by: BlackHeartKabal on June 17, 2016, 02:39:10 am
Post by: Cthulufaic on September 24, 2016, 01:21:16 am
I'm not trying to be selfish or inconsiderate or whatever, but considering BlackHeartKabal's post is several months ago I'm going to assume he got it sorted out since then.
...so uhh, I kinda want feedback on this thing I'm starting to write, its only ~400 words
Spoiler: no title as of yet (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on September 24, 2016, 05:17:25 am
Start each person's dialogue on a new line. This is pretty important. Just having all your text.
Also, you change from past to present tense. That needs to fixed. All the stuff highlighted is past, after that it's in present.
Also, dialogue has it's own subset for punctuation rules: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
You have a few mistakes in that regard. I've not fixed them below.
...so uhh, I kinda want feedback on this thing I'm starting to write, its only ~400 wordsSpoiler: no title as of yet (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on September 24, 2016, 06:15:34 am
Post by: Cthulufaic on September 25, 2016, 09:31:14 pm
OK, for the basics:Ah, thanks! Yeah having each person's words be on a different line makes it much easier to read.
Start each person's dialogue on a new line. This is pretty important. Just having all your text.
Also, you change from past to present tense. That needs to fixed. All the stuff highlighted is past, after that it's in present.
Also, dialogue has it's own subset for punctuation rules: http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
You have a few mistakes in that regard. I've not fixed them below.-snip-
Post by: MorleyDev on September 27, 2016, 10:06:45 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The idea I'm trying to work towards is:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on September 28, 2016, 02:35:13 pm
Much more fun is that I'm wrapping up work on the first story I plan to sell to a magazine. It's a piece of Lovecraftian horror which answers the question every software engineer has asked at one point or another: is this code so bad it could summon an elder god?
Post by: TD1 on October 02, 2016, 02:05:41 pm
As an aside, could any of you writing types tell me how you come up with ideas for writing? I can write well enough, but actually getting a story together seems beyond me....
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 02, 2016, 02:45:35 pm
I have two main methods, myself.
I'll have an idea, and expand on it. That idea can be pretty much anything - a sentence (Her veins pulsed like molten metal.) which I then build on, on just an idea. How about a setting where the world was literally a goddess, and she died and broke into pieces? What about ghosts being invisible and dangerous, so most of the world is overrun with spirits you need special goggles to see? What about fantasy races in a ww1 era setting, and how they'd be affected by developments in technology?
Alternatively, take an establish idea and try to flip it around. Human infiltrators in a society of robots. A man tries to break a sword of legend.
Generally once I have the seed idea I'll write an action scene. As that develops it grants me more ideas about the protagonists and antagonists. The weapons they use. The locations they're in, and then I build from that into a larger setting, and once that's all established it's more suitable for writing a story in.
Or I just wing it. Does something sound cool? Bung it in.
And then, generally, I abandon it and move on to the next idea :P
Post by: TD1 on October 02, 2016, 02:49:44 pm
My problem comes when I try to conceive of it as a book-length story with a more detailed plot.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on October 02, 2016, 03:04:27 pm
Just sit down and write.
It doesn't matter if it's a steaming pile of shit; just force yourself to write.
Dunno, really, there's a few different routes I could suggest.
Have the skeleton of the main plot, flesh out the major scenes, and then fill in the gaps, so to speak.
Just write and see what happens, throwing in whatever comes to mind.
Try different methods. Writing a book isn't easy, so maybe start with short stories and build up? Your first book doesn't have to be Lord of the Rings, after all.
Post by: Insanegame27 on October 02, 2016, 05:08:47 pm
That is... identical to how I start my stories.I'm just naturally creative, git gud scrub
I have two main methods, myself.
I'll have an idea, and expand on it. That idea can be pretty much anything - a sentence (Her veins pulsed like molten metal.) which I then build on, on just an idea. How about a setting where the world was literally a goddess, and she died and broke into pieces? What about ghosts being invisible and dangerous, so most of the world is overrun with spirits you need special goggles to see? What about fantasy races in a ww1 era setting, and how they'd be affected by developments in technology?
Alternatively, take an establish idea and try to flip it around. Human infiltrators in a society of robots. A man tries to break a sword of legend.
Generally once I have the seed idea I'll write an action scene. As that develops it grants me more ideas about the protagonists and antagonists. The weapons they use. The locations they're in, and then I build from that into a larger setting, and once that's all established it's more suitable for writing a story in.
Or I just wing it. Does something sound cool? Bung it in.
And then, generally, I abandon it and move on to the next idea :P
Post by: Sebastian2203 on October 29, 2016, 11:46:39 am
But I am making a text adventure game.
And here is a lore I spent 8 hours on.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr.Zero on December 28, 2016, 08:09:18 pm
I'm writing some lore for some kind of rtd and because I like to write and could use some input on what I've written. I'm trying to accomplish somewhat of a descriptive story/view? from a 3rd person standpoint.
Here's a small bit, shortly describing the events which lead to the battle.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sanctume on December 29, 2016, 02:10:46 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: omada on January 09, 2017, 11:03:16 pm
Know everything that must happen in a given story, don't find the words to say.
At least now i have how to write online and not lose all my progress (again) losing my notebooks and formatting the computer as happened some years ago.
Post by: Insanegame27 on January 10, 2017, 06:00:29 am
Not-too-far dystopian future. Economic collapse of major nations led to a boom increase in illicit activities. Entire suberbs of major first-world cities give way to drug-ridden slums. It's nigh-impossible to walk within 5km of the slums without getting mugged and/or robbed and/or murdered. America, China, Australia and Russia, all major superpowers in the 21st century, have simply collapsed under 'set too high' moral standards.
In a last ditch effort to recover from the economic impact, politicians from the four ex-superpowers authorise the raising of a none-too-covert task group tasked to mass-murder the scum of the Earth in droves with zero regard to collateral damage. Due to a lack of volunteers in the regular and special armed forces, volatile and dangerous prisoners are fitted with killswitches and sent to augment the ranks of the taskgroup.
Separate idea. "For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be an asshole. At age five I Pavlov-conditioned my classmates into running for their recess and lunch with fifteen minutes of class left before the break periods. At age 3 I tacked my first chair and got away with it. My parents won my lawsuit for breach-of-privacy when a teacher attempted to record me tacking his chair. By nine I had watched every episode of CSI, Law and order, the Mentalist and all the other crime and police shows I could get my hands on. I learned to be an asshole and get away with it.
I grew up - Physically, not mentally - and began cutting people off in traffic, became an expert in being the last person to go before the light turned red, splashing pedestrians with roadwater; all without legally doing anything wrong.
I eventually became attracted to the criminal underworld. From attraction came connection, and from that came opportunity. I became involved with a group of contract killers, and quickly acquired a reputation as the guy to call when you want someone ruined - but not dead.
I was 25 when I first failed a hit. It all started with me sitting in front of her in a cinema...
Post by: Parsely on January 10, 2017, 12:33:06 pm
I had an idea while I was away for a week and I want to know if it's a plausible idea.No. It's beyond the imagination of most people for this to happen in the near future. Have you asked yourself what this means for your story? Understand that implausibility doesn't make it a bad story, it simply signals to the audience that this is fictional. Most of the best stories are implausible and obviously fictional. Hell, a lot of times people fail to recognize the difference between fiction and real life. My point is, your story doesn't need to be plausible in order for you or others to enjoy it. However, if your goal is to make this seem like it could happen tomorrow, you're probably aiming too high by jumping straight to "Total Recall prisoners wearing exploding collars" territory.
Not-too-far dystopian future. Economic collapse of major nations led to a boom increase in illicit activities. Entire suberbs of major first-world cities give way to drug-ridden slums. It's nigh-impossible to walk within 5km of the slums without getting mugged and/or robbed and/or murdered. America, China, Australia and Russia, all major superpowers in the 21st century, have simply collapsed under 'set too high' moral standards.
In a last ditch effort to recover from the economic impact, politicians from the four ex-superpowers authorise the raising of a none-too-covert task group tasked to mass-murder the scum of the Earth in droves with zero regard to collateral damage. Due to a lack of volunteers in the regular and special armed forces, volatile and dangerous prisoners are fitted with killswitches and sent to augment the ranks of the taskgroup.
The feeling of reality is often closely tied to a good story, and this is usually achieved with internal consistency within your story. This is called immersion. People can read your story and forget real life, and assume the rules of your world. This is why fiction works!
Quote
Separate idea. "For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be an asshole. At age five I Pavlov-conditioned my classmates into running for their recess and lunch with fifteen minutes of class left before the break periods. At age 3 I tacked my first chair and got away with it. My parents won my lawsuit for breach-of-privacy when a teacher attempted to record me tacking his chair. By nine I had watched every episode of CSI, Law and order, the Mentalist and all the other crime and police shows I could get my hands on. I learned to be an asshole and get away with it.It's a good premise. I think the backstory could use a little work:
I grew up - Physically, not mentally - and began cutting people off in traffic, became an expert in being the last person to go before the light turned red, splashing pedestrians with roadwater; all without legally doing anything wrong.
I eventually became attracted to the criminal underworld. From attraction came connection, and from that came opportunity. I became involved with a group of contract killers, and quickly acquired a reputation as the guy to call when you want someone ruined - but not dead.
I was 25 when I first failed a hit. It all started with me sitting in front of her in a cinema...
You should try explaining how he conditioned his classmates to leave before it was time to go instead of referencing Pavlov and expecting people to know what you're talking about. Figure out a way to show the audience Pavlov.
Your goal is to establish why this character is clever enough to get away with the stuff you're talking about, and I don't think watching TV is enough. A lot of those shows take numerous liberties when it comes to the way the actual law works. Why not make him a former law student if you want to justify his legal knowledge?
I think some kind of middle example to show how he went from doing petty things like putting tacks on chairs to "ruining" people would be good too. You need to show how he can do something so bad that it's worth people paying him money to do it. He needs to be extremely good at doing this and we need to see him succeeding first in order to have sufficient context for his failure to have impact.
At age 3 I tacked my first chair and got away with it. My parents won my lawsuit for breach-of-privacy when a teacher attempted to record me tacking his chair.Ever seen The Incredibles?
Post by: Insanegame27 on January 10, 2017, 06:33:15 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 11, 2017, 12:04:03 am
Try it out, it's a useful (and fun) exercise.
Post by: Insanegame27 on January 11, 2017, 12:10:47 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on January 11, 2017, 01:23:05 am
That was what I was aiming for with the "As long as I can remember, I always wanted to be an asshole."
That's a good start to an actual logline--however, if you can go on to compress all that exposition being an asshole and then finally finding love(?) into a character spine and shove it on to the latter of that as the character's motivation--add a villain--and you have yourself a story. I like it, this would get me to read the next sentence at the very least.
Post by: Insanegame27 on January 11, 2017, 02:38:27 am
Also, I never really responded to the criticism.I had an idea while I was away for a week and I want to know if it's a plausible idea.No. It's beyond the imagination of most people for this to happen in the near future. Have you asked yourself what this means for your story? Understand that implausibility doesn't make it a bad story, it simply signals to the audience that this is fictional. Most of the best stories are implausible and obviously fictional. Hell, a lot of times people fail to recognize the difference between fiction and real life. My point is, your story doesn't need to be plausible in order for you or others to enjoy it. However, if your goal is to make this seem like it could happen tomorrow, you're probably aiming too high by jumping straight to "Total Recall prisoners wearing exploding collars" territory.
Not-too-far dystopian future. Economic collapse of major nations led to a boom increase in illicit activities. Entire suberbs of major first-world cities give way to drug-ridden slums. It's nigh-impossible to walk within 5km of the slums without getting mugged and/or robbed and/or murdered. America, China, Australia and Russia, all major superpowers in the 21st century, have simply collapsed under 'set too high' moral standards.
In a last ditch effort to recover from the economic impact, politicians from the four ex-superpowers authorise the raising of a none-too-covert task group tasked to mass-murder the scum of the Earth in droves with zero regard to collateral damage. Due to a lack of volunteers in the regular and special armed forces, volatile and dangerous prisoners are fitted with killswitches and sent to augment the ranks of the taskgroup.
The feeling of reality is often closely tied to a good story, and this is usually achieved with internal consistency within your story. This is called immersion. People can read your story and forget real life, and assume the rules of your world. This is why fiction works!QuoteSeparate idea. "For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be an asshole. At age five I Pavlov-conditioned my classmates into running for their recess and lunch with fifteen minutes of class left before the break periods. At age 3 I tacked my first chair and got away with it. My parents won my lawsuit for breach-of-privacy when a teacher attempted to record me tacking his chair. By nine I had watched every episode of CSI, Law and order, the Mentalist and all the other crime and police shows I could get my hands on. I learned to be an asshole and get away with it.It's a good premise. I think the backstory could use a little work:
I grew up - Physically, not mentally - and began cutting people off in traffic, became an expert in being the last person to go before the light turned red, splashing pedestrians with roadwater; all without legally doing anything wrong.
I eventually became attracted to the criminal underworld. From attraction came connection, and from that came opportunity. I became involved with a group of contract killers, and quickly acquired a reputation as the guy to call when you want someone ruined - but not dead.
I was 25 when I first failed a hit. It all started with me sitting in front of her in a cinema...
You should try explaining how he conditioned his classmates to leave before it was time to go instead of referencing Pavlov and expecting people to know what you're talking about. Figure out a way to show the audience Pavlov.
Your goal is to establish why this character is clever enough to get away with the stuff you're talking about, and I don't think watching TV is enough. A lot of those shows take numerous liberties when it comes to the way the actual law works. Why not make him a former law student if you want to justify his legal knowledge?
I think some kind of middle example to show how he went from doing petty things like putting tacks on chairs to "ruining" people would be good too. You need to show how he can do something so bad that it's worth people paying him money to do it. He needs to be extremely good at doing this and we need to see him succeeding first in order to have sufficient context for his failure to have impact.At age 3 I tacked my first chair and got away with it. My parents won my lawsuit for breach-of-privacy when a teacher attempted to record me tacking his chair.Ever seen The Incredibles?
Ok, so changing it to far-future and having the collapse happen over a longish timespan? Would that be better?
With the 'watching crime shows' was more of an indication to how he knew to get away with it by leaving as little evidence as possible.
And I'm having a brain-fart right now.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 11, 2017, 08:29:29 am
It also feels odd - you say the collapse of the countries is due to too high moral standards... but they're also ok with making slave soldiers to just slaughter people? That feels... inconsistent.
As a plot, it's fine. As something plausible... it isn't, really.
Post by: MorleyDev on January 19, 2017, 12:36:49 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on January 21, 2017, 05:48:32 pm
Too little to build off, to be honest, but it's... eh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Eldritch space monsters, so superior they're going to destroy/subsume humanity but not apparently superior enough to understand how to use capitalisation properly. The sentences are also often broken up poorly, but I don't know how much of that is deliberate due to the style...
Post by: MorleyDev on January 22, 2017, 11:13:08 am
This is what I have of the opening draft so far:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on January 31, 2017, 10:37:55 pm
I also worked with a local artist for the cover, and I'm very happy with the result.
Spoiler: The result (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sanctume on February 01, 2017, 03:15:23 pm
Too little to build off, to be honest, but it's... eh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Eldritch space monsters, so superior they're going to destroy/subsume humanity but not apparently superior enough to understand how to use capitalisation properly. The sentences are also often broken up poorly, but I don't know how much of that is deliberate due to the style...
I had a few minutes to paraphrase it, but it's not complete. Here's what I came up with.
Your existence and imagination only goes so far as the adjacent grain of sand on a beach when it can reach much more beyond the oceans of space of the furthest galaxies.
You despair in isolation in this uncaring universe, but I hear you, mortal. I will find you and this will lead to your demise.
Your kind was once part of the space faring community that thrive in exploration of places and knowledge.
If an eon of time is as long as your eye blink, then your deep slumber have blurred the memory of your being to most of us.
We few who do remember choose to focus forward onto new discoveries.
I choose to stop and look back for those that are lost. I have found you.
I will come and fertilize the the seed of wanting within your consciousness. The cost is losing your found individuality of making choices.
Post by: Arx on February 07, 2017, 04:09:03 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also sort of an exercise in conveying setting information without expositing or being confusing. Any thoughts on how I did on those? Also feedback in general would be nice. I am way out of the writing habit.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 07, 2017, 05:25:40 pm
Snippet of something I've had boiling in my head for a while, inspired by one of my oddly self-consistent dreams.I kinda like that scene.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also sort of an exercise in conveying setting information without expositing or being confusing. Any thoughts on how I did on those? Also feedback in general would be nice. I am way out of the writing habit.
Spoiler: Minor criticism: (click to show/hide)
As far as setting information goes, I got this: ghosts use tools and have preferences; the tools are real/corporeal in their own right; ghosts either are invisible and incorporeal or can become so (perhaps they exist as a corporeal entity in a parallel place from which they can reach out?); ghosts can be killed by grey iron wetted with saliva (possibly other genetic material?), but doing this exposes the owner of the material in question somehow. Is that right? All in all, I thought the background information was nicely woven in with the actual scene, it wasn't jarring or anything.
Post by: Arx on February 08, 2017, 02:45:21 pm
Spoiler: Minor criticism: (click to show/hide)
Hah, well there's a flaw in my communication. :P
I was trying to imply that since tracking your opponent is based mostly on a kind of very rough sense of their movement and presence, any kind of fighting is a game of chicken where if you hold still your opponent will find it harder to track you, but if you make an attack and miss, you're wide open. Additionally, since you can't grapple your opponent, you're a lot more likely to miss even barring the fact that you can't see them.
Thanks for the feedback and the compliment!
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 08, 2017, 03:03:56 pm
I guess wildly stabbing and slashing every which way when you hear the opponent move nearby would also be a viable tactic? Presumably you feel resistance whenever your blade contacts something, so you could pinpoint them with a wide slash, and then stab the shit out of them before they could react.
Let me see if I get this right this time: both combatants are corporeal, but each of them is in their own world, so to speak; a wetted grey iron blade somehow exists in both worlds; so when you wet your blade, entities in the other world can detect you by its movement? Is there another way to detect an opponent before they wet their blade? The ghost does detect the protagonist somehow, presumably.
This is a more intriguing mechanic than I initially thought.
Post by: Arx on February 08, 2017, 04:09:50 pm
Post by: Parsely on February 08, 2017, 05:09:13 pm
Post by: aDwarfNamedUrist on February 08, 2017, 05:54:53 pm
Hugo vs. Cthulu'orobis:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: itisnotlogical on February 12, 2017, 10:04:44 am
Spoiler: Beware, anime and saucy content inside (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fishbreath on March 17, 2017, 08:36:23 pm
I'm doing some giveaway action to promote the release. There are five free copies of my previous novella, We Sail Off To War (https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/635416), available at Smashwords, with the coupon code LV95G. They're earmarked for Bay12 specifically. I'm really a lurker hereabouts nowadays, but the various writing threads I've participated in and AARs I've done over the years have been great sources of inspiration and encouragement, so I wanted to give a little something back during my shameless plug.
Post by: Aliemma on March 26, 2017, 01:27:46 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on April 06, 2017, 07:07:42 am
I released another e-novella today! Nathaniel Cannon and the Lost City of Pitu (http://manywords.press/books/nathaniel-cannon-and-the-lost-city-of-pitu) is an adventure set in an alternate 1929, where zeppelins and skypirates roam the airways.
The description was intriguing enough that I gave it a purchase. I hope self-publishing works out for you and wish you luck in future endeavours!
Post by: Fishbreath on April 06, 2017, 01:51:49 pm
I released another e-novella today! Nathaniel Cannon and the Lost City of Pitu (http://manywords.press/books/nathaniel-cannon-and-the-lost-city-of-pitu) is an adventure set in an alternate 1929, where zeppelins and skypirates roam the airways.
The description was intriguing enough that I gave it a purchase. I hope self-publishing works out for you and wish you luck in future endeavours!
Thanks! I hope the story lives up to the back cover blurb.
Post by: hops on April 09, 2017, 01:17:30 pm
Also, I bought your novella, it seems intriguing.
Post by: Fishbreath on April 09, 2017, 08:05:55 pm
Allow me to shill something here (https://cinder-analyse-fics.tumblr.com/post/159382073978/mmh)
Also, I bought your novella, it seems intriguing.
Thank you. On both points, actually—I really enjoy web fiction, and there aren't a lot of good sources for straight-up reviews and analysis which don't require sifting through a lot of different reviewers. I look forward to seeing your take on things.
I do want to note, though, that mirroring inaccessible fiction until told to take it down puts you on shaky legal ground, as far as American copyright law goes. You may want to reconsider that one to save yourself potential trouble down the road.
Post by: aDwarfNamedUrist on April 17, 2017, 05:44:35 pm
Spoiler: The Dragon King (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 17, 2017, 06:41:06 pm
Any particular requirements for class for this piece?
Essentially, the problem here is that this is all summary for the most part, and every good story must strike a good balance between summary and description. The only "scene" so to speak, is at the beginning where Henry leaves the farm.
The scene itself is actually pretty good. It establishes the world, our character, and his quest--which is perfect, but even here you just have a random "a few hours" to summarize the in-between of things.
In the most basic sense, a story is life minus all the boring parts, but once you cut out the boring parts you have to arrange what is left in such a way to add meaning and purpose to those events. A good rule to help you out is "Get in late; get out early." As it was explained to me, a good scene is like a party. You want to arrive just in time for the fun stuff, and leave before clean up (because we're all assholes, lol.) Usually, this is thrown around in class to tell people to cut either the end or beginning of a scene, but it works the other way around as well.
A perfunctory analysis might indicate that you should cut the whole bittersweet day at the so-and-so farm, as we don't care and the family is not in the story. Just start it already in the carriage. Have him recollect how he got here and where he wants to go and why. Throw a wrench, like the tattoo in here, give us something to worry and niggle over right off the back. Really pile on the misery for Henry, obstacle after obstacle after obstacle.
I don't want to get too macro immediately, and pile on all the information about storytelling, but a the structure of a scene is the same as the story as whole. In this instance:
Henry wants to get somewhere.
|
V
Obstacle to completing that. Physical or emotional conflict.
|
V
The Pivotal Moment. He either gets to where he's going, or doesn't. Up to you.
|
V
Resolution. What does Henry do now?
|
V
Obstacle to completing that. Physical or emotional conflict.
|
V
The Pivotal Moment. He either gets to where he's going, or doesn't. Up to you.
|
V
Resolution. What does Henry do now?
One last thing. Stories can meander a bit, as long as every scene reveals interesting things about the world, interesting things about the characters, or new information regarding the plot (quest). Not every scene has to do all three, but you should always keep in mind the pacing of the story and the fact that you need to reveal a certain amount of information to keep readers interested.
In all, more like a nice outline. In fact, if spaced out every sentence and listed them, you would find the perfect outline to a novel, every sentence the description of a scene. Keep writing my good Sir, and you will find yourself getting quite good at it.
Post by: aDwarfNamedUrist on April 17, 2017, 08:45:57 pm
Post by: TD1 on May 11, 2017, 12:56:07 pm
Post by: AlStar on May 18, 2017, 03:56:26 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: eerr on May 18, 2017, 07:20:01 pm
Bit of cross-pollination - I wrote this (short?) (micro?) fiction story in an attempt to win a game on the Other Games Forum. The theme was Dwarves IN SPACE (and/or also maybe Communism.) Sadly, I didn't win, but I did produce words - and I find myself curious what others think of them:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You seem to swap from narrator voice to personal narration. You can write both in the same essay, but usually people stick to one style. Certainly you want to stick to active voice, regardless.
You need to work on the clumsy swapping viewpoint. You can make multiple viewpoints work. I previously worked those angles before. But most writers in their right mind give point of view swapping, a huge berth. Most writers only do it when strictly necessary. For example, switching from a narrator to a speaker. And even then most writers use only that one transition, and only when strictly necessary. I also highly recommend paragraph breaks between your narration, and Urist's narration. Making those builds readability, and coherency, for the reader.
Balls deep in proof-reading the essay, I realized you just wanted some eyes-on. So if you want I can help edit.
Post by: eerr on May 18, 2017, 08:12:05 pm
A short story I wrote for English class.
Quote
The day went on like this until the early afternoon. Then, they stopped at a city, the city of Mesopolis.
Just edit those words. Write out the passage of time. Slowly read and come to understand. Learn timing!
You wrote all of the narrated sections, including the passage of time, in passive voice.
While you know both,
the source,
the destination,
and presumably the reasons henceforth,
-at every part.
Add in the source of each action, and revise for passive voice.
Aside from that, all that advice about cutting half your essay from that other guy? Pointless I say!
Passive voice makes everything, including scene setting, non-boring! So revise it before you find yourself short on words.
Before you simply write more.
Post by: Comrade P. on May 24, 2017, 04:11:19 pm
I've recently started a series of short stories. I publish them on Reddit. It's about humans fucking about with gods and aliens in noosphere (author's rendition of it).
Part I - Through the Veil (https://redd.it/6cjavf)
Part II - Staring into the Void (https://redd.it/6cuo24)
Part III - The God-Child (https://redd.it/6d2ytn)
I don't really get that much feedback there, but I wish to improve myself. I'm working on my grammar - apparently I struggle with correct use of definite articles.
P.S. All that and a bag of potato chips (editable google docs) (https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/0BwIs35d4flM3TFBrR1B3Y0ZoVHc?usp=sharing)
Post by: TD1 on May 24, 2017, 05:23:01 pm
Post by: Parsely on May 24, 2017, 06:57:44 pm
Salutations, members of the noble trade.I made it through Part I but it just didn't hold my interest. I wasn't really sure what was being set up or where the story was going by the end of it.
I've recently started a series of short stories. I publish them on Reddit. It's about humans fucking about with gods and aliens in noosphere (author's rendition of it).
Part I - Through the Veil (https://redd.it/6cjavf)
Part II - Staring into the Void (https://redd.it/6cuo24)
Part III - The God-Child (https://redd.it/6d2ytn)
I don't really get that much feedback there, but I wish to improve myself. I'm working on my grammar - apparently I struggle with correct use of definite articles.
P.S. All that and a bag of potato chips (editable google docs) (https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/0BwIs35d4flM3TFBrR1B3Y0ZoVHc?usp=sharing)
Post by: Comrade P. on May 25, 2017, 03:28:42 am
Ironically, it should probably be "apparently I struggle with the correct use of definite articles."That's the esssence of the problem right there, is what it is.
I made it through Part I but it just didn't hold my interest. I wasn't really sure what was being set up or where the story was going by the end of it.Yeah, I guess that is true. I had high hopes on the last sentence to bait the reader. I also hoped that a little bite of the upcoming part in the end of each current one will help to put parts together somewhat, with perspective jumping between sites every time. I'm going for repetitive pattern Aliens-Humans-Synthia, perspective-wise.
Post by: Arx on June 01, 2017, 03:43:24 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Keeping the oral tradition alive by telling stories over Discord, apparently. This is a traditional folk tale, but I've forgotten which African culture it's from. ;_;
Apologies for the weird formatting. Like I said, story told over Discord. :p
Post by: TD1 on June 07, 2017, 06:29:13 pm
I came here for some advice on story structure. How should a scene/chapter be laid out? I've never had any instruction in story lore, so suspect my efforts are similar to those of a child gambolling through a field of wheat.
A la May, I suppose.
Post by: Fishbreath on June 08, 2017, 08:37:00 am
As for me, I tend not to write in explicit chapters when I go through a story for the first time. If it's long enough to warrant them, I'll go back and add the breaks during the first edit. There are usually obvious places to put them, and in my experience, it's very hard to read a story for pacing and chapter splits as you're writing it.
Post by: TD1 on June 08, 2017, 10:08:53 am
Post by: Fishbreath on June 08, 2017, 10:15:10 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on June 08, 2017, 10:21:45 am
Nice story!
I came here for some advice on story structure. How should a scene/chapter be laid out? I've never had any instruction in story lore, so suspect my efforts are similar to those of a child gambolling through a field of wheat.
A la May, I suppose.
Any sub-unit of storytelling, I.E. a scene, sequence, chapter, et al. is usually defined in the same way its parent story is. Assuming you're writing off the more practically-oriented 3-act structure, a scene is laid out roughly the same way.
basically:
Character wants something -> obstacle -> apparent success or failure -> complication of problem -> pivotal moment (the character may or may not get what they want--that's up for you to decide.)
To speak to pacing, it's ultra important. A good metric is to follow is that depending on how large your story is (A novel can meander much more than a short story or screenplay can) every chapter/sequence/scene should reveal:
1.) The character's personality/their "character" for a lack for a better word.
2.) The world. World-Building is incredibly important, the environment should reflect the characters' emotions, the obstacles, the mood, etc. You can really do anything and everything when you properly reveal the world to the reader.
3.) Advance the plot or otherwise pile on the obstacles, problems, and misery for your characters. Forcing your characters into action in the short term to keep us reading, and increasing the tension in the long run--the combination of wanting to find out how a scene ends, and whether or not it will all work out for our protagonist at the end of the story is a winning combination.
Post by: Strife26 on June 23, 2017, 04:17:09 pm
https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/6j40ok/oc_rescue_of_sargon_1/ (https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/6j40ok/oc_rescue_of_sargon_1/)
It's about 1700 words, pack of mercenaries planning a rescue mission in a sci-fi setting.
Anyone wants to comment or critique it at all, I'd definitely appreciate it.
Post by: TD1 on October 12, 2017, 05:21:36 pm
First homework (A place familiar to you):
The grass is green along the verge, while above the heavens are scattered with orange, red and gold. The colours of autumn are played against the sky’s vast screen, and apples, sweet and hard and small, litter the ground. It is an orchard. Here, I have often gone, for there is a silence present amongst the branches and boles which is lacking elsewhere; a sense of Eden, from which the first fruit tree sprang.
A path winds, weary with wear from many feet, overgrown now with weeds and wilderness, between the brownness of those boles. It bears the promise of adventure in its deep groove, a knowledge that here could become there. Such possibility is a spice added to the dim rustle of leaves, the scratchings of animals. Close your eyes, and you will see – the orchard bears more fruit than apples.
But it is also alive at night. Above, the moon keeps the stars company, and the light of the house seems by far more distant. A quiet breath, a deep inward breath, blows over all, and the trees speak to one another in soft, cellulose voices. Leaves trail the ground in deep drifts, for winter comes, and they must shed their clothes. There, in the darkness of that night, a wooden pallet structure hides, covered in briar and bramble; a childhood haunt, with trapdoor in the back, fashioned from my own young hands for some never-needed escape.
In a way, the orchard itself has become that escape. Never truly needed, but still there; safe, present, and waiting.
Post by: AlStar on October 16, 2017, 11:09:34 pm
Take this opportunity to read my finest (or at least most edited and polished) works!
Amazon Reviews/Ratings (especially good ones - although I'd honestly rather get honest feedback than pats on the back) appreciated!
Links are in my signature.
Note to self: Get back to writing! It's been nearly a year since you last really put some time into writing new stuff!
Post by: TD1 on October 19, 2017, 04:33:27 pm
She sits with a friend, talking. Food makes the long travel from plate to mouth, and hangs, suspended on air, while the mouth moves. Almost as if she were chewing despite the absence of food, her teeth mashing words and spitting vowels into the emptiness. Her friend seems to understand, and nods at the right moments, false blond head lowering and raising in rhythm with her colleague’s tune.
She laughs, teeth revealed and then hidden in response to some joke. But then she slumps forwards, perhaps wearied by the circuit from and to bed, a circuit which we all mirror. She could be someone’s grandmother, her curls gleaming grey in the harshness of the white, revealing lights. Grey coat, grey chair, grey hair.
But it is not a feeling of dullness which she imparts. Her head may be bowed in speech, and fork seems never to reach mouth, but behind the piercing gleam of glasses are eyes no less perceiving. They dart about the room, free and impartial, touching all with equal weight.
There is no simplicity there.
An enigma, then. Behind the eyes, a universe untapped, while all about her is bustle and noise. Outside, a calm figure, aging, perhaps retired. Eating-and-not-eating as she has perhaps done so often before, caught in the grips of communication. If we listen carefully, perhaps we will hear the words of a prophet from this most unassuming person.
Post by: Bearskie on October 25, 2017, 09:31:38 am
Hello everyone, I actually wrote something I'm happy enough to publish (on reddit, but that's kinda-sorta publishing)!
https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/6j40ok/oc_rescue_of_sargon_1/ (https://www.reddit.com/r/HFY/comments/6j40ok/oc_rescue_of_sargon_1/)
It's about 1700 words, pack of mercenaries planning a rescue mission in a sci-fi setting.
Anyone wants to comment or critique it at all, I'd definitely appreciate it.
Whoa. Never thought I'd see a HFY-er out in the wild.
Reading through this thread. Some interesting things around here. :)
Post by: Comrade P. on October 25, 2017, 04:01:38 pm
Whoa. Never thought I'd see a HFY-er out in the wild.
I tried my hand at this subreddit as well. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=99160.msg7464484#msg7464484)
It wasn't particularly good, and I dropped the story right in the middle, so I'd suggest not to bother. I mentioning this more for statistics' sake.
Post by: Bearskie on October 26, 2017, 05:10:47 am
Post by: Comrade P. on October 26, 2017, 07:40:14 am
Hey, I actually remember that. Read for abit, then lost track of the plot. Sorry, it was plot point overload.
Eh, fair enough.
Post by: Ehndras on November 03, 2017, 05:37:29 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ehndras on November 03, 2017, 05:56:02 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Keeping the oral tradition alive by telling stories over Discord, apparently. This is a traditional folk tale, but I've forgotten which African culture it's from. ;_;
Apologies for the weird formatting. Like I said, story told over Discord. :p
I feel like the end is starkly missing. I have a bad habit of completing stories as I read them, effectively seeing whether things pan out as expected or take a surprising route. Throwing in my two cents' worth:
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"...instead of screaming and despair from the village, he heard singing and drums...."
Angry that his venom was not as strong as he thought, he climbed up what we now call the fever tree and sicked up all his venom.
It stained the bark green and pooled at the base of the tree, just before its roots.
You see, Cobra had planned this all along: so he slithered up to the base of the tree and began gathering Python's venom... But he was not fast enough, and the other snakes stole some first.
Oblivious to this clever theft, Python watched smugly as singing tribesmen carried the corpse of the man he had surely killed.
Satisfied by the potency of his venom, he slid down the tree to find nothing but a dry stain where his precious gift had once collected.
...And that is the story of how Python lost his venom, and the Cobra became quite dangerous.
Changed up some of the repetitive use of the word venom, altered a few descriptors I felt were somewhat dry, and added my own flair for the fuck of it. Cheers :) Edit: since roots are usually brown or red in most trees, and the venom stained the bark green, I added the bit about not reaching the roots. That bit distracted me as I immediately wondered about whether the roots were stained too. Perhaps its just me, but the edit hopefully eliminates any off-chance of random curiosity distracting the reader.
Post by: MorleyDev on November 13, 2017, 04:32:46 pm
Spoiler: "Duty (1932)" (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fniff on November 13, 2017, 09:47:01 pm
However, I'm noticing a slight inmanlanvein theme. While the title and the first paragraph indicate the theme being duty, the rest of the text focuses on evil hiding beneath a quiet English vaneer. If you're gonna polish it up (and I recommend you do) I'd focus on Calais's sense of duty as that resonated much better. Make it so he didn't read the book because he wanted to: make it that he was dutybound to do it. In fact, since we're clearly heading towards some sort of shooting spree at the local service (great use of location framing by the by), make it so he's doing it not because he particularly wants to enforce justice, but because he feels bound to do so. Calais's sense of being bound to do what he's done not by personal initiative but by the whims of change and love really resonated with me.
The more obviously horrific theme of evil hiding under pleasantry is good, but duty will really tie it all together, methinks.
Post by: Ehndras on November 22, 2017, 09:35:25 pm
Spoiler: Johaan Thorbrandr and the Black Scimitar (click to show/hide)
(http://wiki.battlemaster.org/wiki/Black_Scimitar_of_Crushing)
Post by: RoseHeart on December 05, 2017, 02:24:16 pm
Here, he's here. Watching me... I smell him...feel him under my skin. Inside me.
Post by: TD1 on December 05, 2017, 02:49:31 pm
Thramar drew his sword, blade held upwards. Let the light play its fingers across the cold, cold metal. Then he drove it point-down into the frozen ground before him. In the distance, trees cracked under their loads of snow. A wolf howled. The eyes of owls pricked his skin.
The sword stood still and resolute. Only a small tremble, barely visible, betrayed the emotion of its wielder. Sweat beaded his brow, and condensation trickled down the length of metal. Too long, now. Too long. He had run, but now he would stand. He would stand. Resolute. The blood of his fathers demanded it be so.
Silence.
Dark, brooding silence.
The wolves had perhaps gone elsewhere, the owls flown from their perches and ceased their noise. But the woods themselves? The creaking, the breathing of a mighty mass of wood? Silenced between one heartbeat and the next? It heralded only one thing. Doom had come for Thramar.
First, came the tendrils of darkness. Against the whiteness of the snow they were deep and profound, wrapping between the distant boles of trees, spreading, wind-like, along the frozen plains. Catching hold of the hill on which he crouched, tense. Caressing it like a lost love, then climbing, slower now. Individual tendrils met and fused into one whole, one terrible pool of black, and him on an island of white in the middle.
Then, the smell. Tar. Flame and death and destruction and the folly of youth, all wrapped into one bundle that smelled of war. A profound stench which he knew well; his hand spasmed around the sword's hilt, gouging the steel deeper into the bare earth. A smell he knew too well.
Third, and final, the memories. A woman's face. A sweet face, turned towards him, a glint of intelligence deep within the hazel depths. Not a beautiful face; too hard for that, sculpted by Northern winds and the trials of life. No, not a comely one was she, but she was his, and he loved her dearly. She smiled in his mind's eye, then turned. From the side, he could see the rot. Through her breast, a sword. A sword familiar and heavy in his hand, the wildness of battle, a mistimed stroke... and then the pain. Running. Running. Knowing that his disgrace drew the Fathers' fury, that he was no longer Kith nor Kin.
The Blood Fathers know well the trials of war, but they could never condone one who became wild in battle, who lost morality. One such as him.
The darkness converged.
He was in the centre.
It was in him.
In his mind's eye, a woman's smile.
A sob broke from his mouth, and he fell to the unforgiving earth. The sword spun away from his clenched fists, and he beat the ground. Inside and out both became one. All was darkness, and all was lost.
Helenah.
Post by: TD1 on December 06, 2017, 10:58:13 am
Well alright, then.
I'll just leave my post there.
All alone.
Post by: Arx on December 06, 2017, 12:01:15 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Happy? :P
Post by: TD1 on December 06, 2017, 12:13:01 pm
Post by: Sanctume on December 06, 2017, 02:35:45 pm
Spoiler: original (click to show/hide)
I felt like writing, so I hope you don't mind my re-write exercise.
Spoiler: re-write exercise (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on December 06, 2017, 02:41:07 pm
Post by: Ehndras on December 08, 2017, 02:03:51 am
Spoiler: Mattan Blood Fields - Microstory (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on December 08, 2017, 09:19:45 am
Halp? Trying something new.PaintCriticize me like one of your French women.Spoiler: Mattan Blood Fields - Microstory (click to show/hide)
Hmmm, actually, I started altering before realising I was probably going against the grain. Which tense were you going for?
Post by: TD1 on March 28, 2018, 06:20:54 pm
To time that stretches blinding long
We march the way to Isengard
With sorrow for a song.
The birchen leaves are silver hued
Becalmed the many clouds of storm.
Deep come our voices now, and loud –
The pear tree weeps as does the thorn.
Da dum. Da dumpty dum dii dum.
The forge’s flame is flickering.
Da dum. Da dumpty dum dii dum.
Of death and greed entwined we sing.
Long past we sheltered from the rains
‘Neath vast and varied branches spread
Above the leafy canopy
Which formed our sylvan head.
I can recall… so long the thoughts are like
Groundwater in a drought ….
Appleblossom and elderberry sweet
As lithe as limbs could ever be
Upon this land across the Sundering Sea.
Sun-ripened Corn, Gooseberry coy
Strawberry sweet as summer wine.
Each one I loved, each one I miss
Across that gulf of time.
Da dum. Da dumpty dum dii dum.
The forge’s flame is flickering.
Da dum. Da dumpty dum dii dum.
Of death and greed entwined we sing.
To Isengard which hacks and hews.
To Wizard Tower in the vale.
Through sun and rain and winter gusts.
Through sorc'rous snow and hail.
Da dum. We go. We go. One more
March ‘ere our story ends.
The oak tree weeps its verdant blood -
Why ought we fight but for our friends
Who grew in peace, prosperity
To fall at last despite their years
To fuel the wizard’s fruitless industry!
DA dum. DA dum. Long have we lived,
My fellow leafy friends
Since Elves first sang so that we heard
The tune which grows, the song that mends.
Aye, ages pass and altered generations walk
So that I can no longer quite recall
The words.
How did our mighty race to warring fall!
I know not, though you ask me Aspen young,
Beseech me ancient Oak.
That song is lost. But this remains. For brethren slain.
Da dum. Da dumpty dum dii dum.
The forge’s flame is flickering.
Da dum. Da dumpty dum dii dum.
Of death and greed entwined we sing.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 03, 2018, 12:04:29 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 04, 2018, 10:08:10 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on April 06, 2018, 03:51:18 am
Double Edge: The Rekilling (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JmcjQLvB9gJt7E7fATSL-bE6xXgRZzJ1suDe_ep8CA0/edit?usp=sharing)
A rather silly title for a rather unsilly story. Elevator pitch for the universe:
Magic is highly accessible, but at absurd cost to yourself. The only way to offset this is to subjugate others and pump the backlash into them every time you use it. Enter Double Edge, an extra-legal hit squad comprised of the only magicians crazy enough to take the price on the chin. Their mission: hunt down and destroy other magicians.
If anyone has any thoughts, I'm interested. I'm almost happy with this just because I managed to write a story longer than the briefest of flash fiction without waffling. :P
Post by: Aylokat on April 22, 2018, 11:29:08 am
If anyone has any thoughts, I'm interested. I'm almost happy with this just because I managed to write a story longer than the briefest of flash fiction without waffling. :P
I like the idea of crazy wizards hunting amoral wizards in a sort of shadowy game of cat and mouse. Instant high stakes and unpredictable situations. Good. Lots of potential.
Unfortunately, there is an immediate problem with the premise when it starts with the characters being decidedly not crazy and concerned about the risks of their jobs, and ends with Sarah lamenting the very idea of magic because she suffered the seemingly most basic cost of magic (the elevator pitch cannot be inferred from the story at all).
I understand the feeling of finally finishing a scene in its entirety, and in that vein I recognize the associated flaws. The major ones being that it is written to be read with a full understanding of the work that only the author has and that it lacks details that were in the mind of the author but not in the text, making it confusing and abrupt for the ignorant reader.
If your characters interact with the environment you should first establish the environment; set the scene. You should also establish what the characters are wearing if that is a plot point. There is no reason for the reader to assume that they are not wearing inconspicuous clothes. As a rule, you want to ease the reader into the mindset of your work. You introduce him gradually or else he won't understand the tone.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Confused as I was, I enjoyed it all the same. I would be glad to see you grow accustomed to writing these larger pieces, Arx, as I would like to read more. I hope this was of some use to you.
Post by: Arx on April 23, 2018, 02:52:35 am
That's part of what causes things like Sarah seeming too sane for the elevator pitch and the characterisation feeling thin. I should really work on that.
Most of your points are valid! I just want to touch on a few issues of language and grammar quickly.
No one is not hyphenated, like no person.
I write in British English (specifically South African English, but since I avoid slang except in dialogue you probably can't tell). British English hyphenates many words American English does not.
All right is a statement that everything is well, so avoid alright, as that contrasted with other al- words implies a separate meaning. Similar forms have such different meanings. Ex. already: now / previously, and all ready: entirely prepared.
[/quote]
Written as intended. By "alright", she means that she's clear and Timur can move. "All right" would be a bit of a weird construction in context.
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Of course consists of two words, no need to hyphenate for an interjection.
I agree in principle, but it feels smoother in practice. I'll have to think about this a bit.
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There is no need to write out Mhmm and then describe it. One or the other suffices.
There are about a thousand ways you can intone a wordless murmur. :P I wanted to make it clear which.
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There is lack of decisive narration, leading to the reader having to make baseless assumptions. When Travis was carried to success, literally, was he physically carried by zombies? Why wouldn't he be?
...because that makes no sense at all? It's a turn of phrase I went back and forth on for a while. On the whole, I think it would be better suited as something else, but not because I think there's a risk of the average reader thinking that zombies physically carried Travis, in person, to some physical location denoting success.
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The narration in the directly following paragraphs is written as if it were one of the characters telling a coworker in a bar, as it is strangely familiar with the subject matter without explaining the circumstances. It skips over gathering evidence. It mentions graves that are too fresh, admits a coincidental string of missing persons, a vague statement, and ends on the note that Travis does not go the company office often. On these grounds they schedule an assassination.
Hmm. It was meant to be quite a broad-strokes picture, glossing over details, but I guess I went too far in that direction. I detest exposition crammed in unnaturally, which sometimes leads to e jumping through weird hoops to try to avoid it.
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Reading it went well until I got utterly bewildered why they were leaving before eliminating their target, only to go back and inconclusively resolve that his death was implied. Then it only got worse with the spray painting. I thought Sarah was meant to paint the back of the house.
I can see how you got there, yeah. I thought it was clearer at the time, thank you.
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I thought they were locked in a room after a mission went horribly wrong.
Any chance you could elaborate on this? It's mentioned pretty early on that they're outside a mansion.
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The characters do not sound like they are doing something dangerous. They sound like they are limping away from unimpressive failure. Timor was unconcerned about crippled at the start of breaching a necromancer's house. When Sarah says "What? Stub your toe?" it does not seem like she thinks there is any real danger, despite the zombie that broke Timor's arm. But two paragraphs later the muted sound of keys struck fear of a zombie horde into their hearts.
Good point. I flubbed the chronology there, thanks.
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The individual sentences are very confusing. Because "Sarah affected a gravelly voice." has a full stop it comes across as either a random piece of information about her preferences or that the pain was starting to influence her vocal cords.
I did not realise that could be taken that way! Thank you.
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But the opposite problem is also present. Too many sentences are two or more unrelated clauses. I only now realized that the "She didn't look much better" sentence did not mean that she was in a poor state after sitting in the cold but rather that she was scarred too.
Interesting. I would never have taken the meaning you did from that paragraph. I'll have to think about that.
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I have many unanswered questions after reading this twice such as:
Why did the medic like no other not bring painkillers? Or administer beforehand? They talk about routine work, so she must have been through the pain enough to prepare accordingly.
Any painkiller strong enough to stop a broken arm making you crotchety would also put you out like a light, as far as I know. I personally avoid opioids before breaking and entering. :P
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If Travis was trying to hide his nature, why did he put a zombie in his backyard or imprison people in his bedroom rather than a basement?
He uses them on construction sites. His back yard and bedroom are hardly more conspicuous. :P
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If Double Edge is extralegal, why do they sneak around? If they want to remain secret, why do they spray paint their insignia on the front door?
I'm using "extralegal" in the sense of "not sanctioned by law". I would have thought it was fairly clear why they work quietly and only mark what they've done afterwards - easier not to attract attention until it's too late for anyone to interfere.
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What does it mean when a person is a "total twist"? I assume it means that a person is twisted, but I can't find a source on that, only that in that context it refers to a young woman.
Idiomatic language. A twist is slang for a sadist or psychopath.
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There are quite a few things I would say about each line, but this post is dragging on, so I'll do one.
I'll explain my thinking here.
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this implies that standing up contributed to the popping and creaking]
That would be because it does.
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this sentence detrimentally combines the lockpicking with his scars and also his current state
The intention was to indicate that the cause was the cold.
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imprecise. It is obviously meant to say that it hurt him, but literally it says that it just didn't heal him. Unless the narration is meant to be imprecise this is a problem
If the meaning is obvious, there is no problem here. I would go so far as to say the "implication" is so strong as to be nearly explicit. It's a common idiom.
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the overuse of "as" and "while" aid the growth of this conglomerate. Additionally, the pronoun "their" doesn't have nouns to refer to other than "aches"
I'm a little confused what you're getting at here. I probably do overuse "as" and "while", but certainly not in that paragraph; and yes, "their" refers to the aches. That's also a common idiomatic construction.
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this implies he is lifting the padlock up to him rather than taking it into his hand. Once again, "lock" doesn't refer to the padlock, unless there is no other lock on the door
I wouldn't say it necessarily implies that. And it's pretty explicit that it refers to the padlock, unless you're in the habit of ripping the locks out of doors to pick them up...? There's really no other lock he could be picking up, here, particularly since it's been explicitly labeled as "the padlock" in the previous sentence.
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Confused as I was, I enjoyed it all the same. I would be glad to see you grow accustomed to writing these larger pieces, Arx, as I would like to read more. I hope this was of some use to you.
I'll be writing more when I have the time. I'll see about being more clear.
Thank you for the feedback! I know I've disagreed with a lot of it, but if you could elaborate on the parts I've disagreed with that would be a big help. I may well just not understand what you were driving at.
Post by: Aylokat on April 23, 2018, 02:14:37 pm
...because that makes no sense at all? It's a turn of phrase I went back and forth on for a while. On the whole, I think it would be better suited as something else, but not because I think there's a risk of the average reader thinking that zombies physically carried Travis, in person, to some physical location denoting success
Apologies, I was jokingly indicating that, the way it was written, zombies physically carrying Travis was the literal interpretation, not that it was likely to be read as such (I only saw it on my second read, specifically trying to look for something like that). The point was that concrete and unambiguous writing reduces likelihood of being misunderstood (ironic that I failed at just that). I now see how stupid my sentence reads without the tone I imagined. Let that be a lesson in properly conveying meaning.
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Any chance you could elaborate on this? It's mentioned pretty early on that they're outside a mansion.
I meant that when I started reading I perceived them to be in a room based on the first few cues, and then when I read that they were in a mansion's backyard I was jarred. I did not mean to say that there was anything indicating that they were in a room, but that it was mentioned after I imagined the scene to be Timor trying to break out of a room. My point was that an "establishing shot," like in film, would orient the reader and leave the attention on what is happening, rather than where.
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Any painkiller strong enough to stop a broken arm making you crotchety would also put you out like a light, as far as I know. I personally avoid opioids before breaking and entering. :P
Good point. If I was crazy enough to be a wizard hunter I would not mind being out of my mind on opioids, though I cannot imagine sneaking into yards that way.
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I'm using "extralegal" in the sense of "not sanctioned by law". I would have thought it was fairly clear why they work quietly and only mark what they've done afterwards - easier not to attract attention until it's too late for anyone to interfere.
I must admit the idea of extralegal meaning illegal did not occur to me, especially with Timor and Sarah described as "two armed soldiers." It seemed plausible enough to me that they were a government's last-ditch effort to stop the worst abusers of magic.
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He uses them on construction sites. His back yard and bedroom are hardly more conspicuous. :P
Now I have the image of zombies at construction site sitting on a girder, trying and failing to wolf whistle at people passing by in my head.
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Written as intended. By "alright", she means that she's clear and Timur can move. "All right" would be a bit of a weird construction in context.
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I agree in principle, but it feels smoother in practice. I'll have to think about this a bit.
I suppose alright could indicate pronunciation as a single word, lessening the all, resulting in something like OL-RITE instead of AWL-RITE. As far as I am aware, there is no difference in meaning between alright and all right - other than me shedding a single tear on the roadside at the sight.
Much like the above, hyphens in elaborate constructions of of course could imply that it is being said quickly, almost as one word. As long as the way it is intended is made clear, this style could be effective at conveying a character's emotion. Just a single line of dialog noting the way a character speaks is enough to assuage the doubt in the reader's mind whether it is just the character's mode of speech or a mistake or a hitherto unknown rule of English sending the reader racing to a modern style guide.
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Hmm. It was meant to be quite a broad-strokes picture, glossing over details, but I guess I went too far in that direction. I detest exposition crammed in unnaturally, which sometimes leads to e jumping through weird hoops to try to avoid it.
The thing about the exposition of finding out Travis is that you could avoid it entirely by simply stating he was suspicious and give a vague but striking explanation like: Necromancy is dirty business, and Travis tracked mud all over the kitchen tiles. But finding his ilk is the easy part. The hard part is not joining their undead servants in unpaid overtime. In this case, the metaphor distances the reader from the specifics and the reader will fill in the blanks, and Double Edge will look more mysterious for it. It also imparts the knowledge that Timor and Sarah breaking in is the exciting part.
The trouble about writing fiction is that you feel a compulsion to explain something, out of a feeling that lacking information will cause the reader to not believe you. But the reader will believe you if you state the minimal context like someone would about an event in reality. Someone telling the story of meeting his partner will not bother to explain why either of them were at the locale, in fact it would seem suspicious. I had accepted that Timor and Sarah were going after a necromancer, as I just assumed that an organization like Double Edge would have the means to find wizards.
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Interesting. I would never have taken the meaning you did from that paragraph. I'll have to think about that.
Yeah, that is the difficult part, to understand what someone unfamiliar with the story might infer from it. Because the paragraph before focuses on Timor's aches and pains seemingly worsened by the cold I read the next paragraph to be about how it affected Sarah. I read "She didn't look much better" as being somewhat a turn of phrase about well-being in a similar sense of She isn't doing so hot. I did not expect it to be literal after the "no favours" line.
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That would be because it does.
I had the idea that the Double Edge members (at the time thinking they were government agents) were in top condition despite the scars, so I thought it strange that Timor standing up would make noise. Your explanation makes sense now that I know they are not necessarily elite agents.
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The intention was to indicate that the cause was the cold.
I sincerely apologize for my "detrimentally combines" line; I had to read that a few times just now to understand I had meant by that. It was supposed to note that the individual points of the sentence (Timor breaking in, his scars / old wounds, current pain and cold) were weakened by being put together in a single sentence and so couldn't be appreciated fully. The way I read it, it goes STIFF MUSCLES--LOCKPICKING->COLD->SCARS->PAIN->SCARS->LOCKPICKING, which is why I read the next paragraph to be about their current health.
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If the meaning is obvious, there is no problem here. I would go so far as to say the "implication" is so strong as to be nearly explicit. It's a common idiom.
Sorry, again. That was the same point as the zombie carrying.
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I'm a little confused what you're getting at here. I probably do overuse "as" and "while", but certainly not in that paragraph; and yes, "their" refers to the aches. That's also a common idiomatic construction.
This was about the combination of the different points. I actually thought the scars were hurting, like they never fully healed.
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I wouldn't say it necessarily implies that. And it's pretty explicit that it refers to the padlock, unless you're in the habit of ripping the locks out of doors to pick them up...? There's really no other lock he could be picking up, here, particularly since it's been explicitly labeled as "the padlock" in the previous sentence.
I meant that the lock referring to the padlocked door confused me because the first paragraph mentions that Timor has picks which he uses for a lock. I do not understand Timor picking the padlock up again either as I assumed his hands were holding the picks and so he never picked it up in the first place.
It's fine to disagree, better that than politely letting me ramble! But really, I wish to communicate accurately, so I thank you for pointing out my failings so that I may improve. And I am glad that you got something out of this, Arx.
Post by: TD1 on April 23, 2018, 02:20:13 pm
Actually, would anyone be up for a resumption of the contest? I think I might enjoy it.
Post by: Aylokat on April 24, 2018, 01:30:05 am
Post by: Levity on May 03, 2018, 01:15:14 pm
Post by: Digital Hellhound on May 03, 2018, 03:38:57 pm
I guess we should lead by example, so here goes for Arx:
Spoiler: Comments for Double Edge (click to show/hide)
As for my own contribution, a start to something I've never actually managed to continue much. It's sat sad and alone in my documents for ages, so I thought I might as well share it for comments. I started writing it without any idea where it was going, which maybe shows - it's a character piece, mainly, playing with dialogue and description. Here goes, please take a crack at it! (https://docs.google.com/document/d/19tauUMvBa4w60BeHARQEkT9xJCo38LhAhcwr77NGjdQ/edit?usp=sharing)
Post by: Aylokat on May 04, 2018, 02:13:21 am
I dream of a day when this thread thrives and bustles and we will write like we have never written before.
Yes, the lack of interaction in critique is something I have noticed over the long course of this thread. I do not post any work of my own because I want to focus on examining the work is posted. Hopefully the activity now will draw in more. I recall the contests in the past being successful in that regard.
Lead by example, indeed!:
Spoiler: Digital Hellhound - The Reunion (click to show/hide)
On the topic of a renewed writing contest, a weekly and short at first to ease into it will be wise.
It could be a prompt or an exercise. For instance, writing a story without directly stating anything, say by similes and metaphors or implication or rambling and incoherent dialog. Or a mix of prompt and exercise by giving a prompt of incongruous ideas to combine.
An extended example: 1# pizzeria, 2# alien spaceship, #3 mime(s). The interesting part is that it could be interpreted many ways, like it being a mime-run pizzeria and the aliens are stopping by on route to delivering space-wood, or that the alien spaceship is a traveling pizzeria where the menu options are exclusively ordered through pretending to be food, or a pizza delivery boy who drives a salvaged Russian spaceship (there was no mention of the alien spaceship not being from Earth) to a baseball game and a baseball strikes him in the throat and he tries to explain that with gestures to the customer why he was late. In summary, sometimes rules can give artistic freedom by letting the writer imagine the many ways the set points could connect and interact.
Please, do tell me what you think, I welcome it heartily.
Post by: Levity on May 04, 2018, 05:37:42 am
Spoiler: Some thoughts on The Reunion: (click to show/hide)
EDIT: With the knight and his sudden emotional outburst, this is something that I did A LOT, in my early writings. It seems like a great idea to spur on the story with some strong emotions and a sense of conflict, but when someone else reads it on the page, it makes the characters seem a little too volatile, a little bit child-like, when they waver between such heightened emotional states so quickly. Characters are hard, and I would recommend putting plenty of thought into them. Really think to yourself: Does this read like a plausible human being?
Post by: Aylokat on May 04, 2018, 06:57:26 am
If I may add to those points: In my experience, repeated outbursts of emotion from the characters are more a failing of build-up, not quite conveying the scene in your mind, thus seeming unjustified. When in doubt, add more steps and by extension nuance.
The vital aspect for character-building (not that inspecting what impression the characters make is something to be avoided) is an internal logic for each character, where he acts in his own interest on accord of his thoughts and feelings instead of what the story demands. As long as the logic is kept consistent, it does not matter how strange or broken it is, if presented to be entirely the reasoning of the character. I am a great fan of character-driven conflict; it amounts to moving parts comprising wholes tilting and whirling to new, rapidly changing stimuli.
Whether implausible characters are bad depends on the framework, if the cast meant as a set of rounded, reasonable people, or a set of exaggerated types simplified to eliminate unnecessary traits. Sometimes an absurd personality can draw greater success from a scene than a sensible one, as, say, a megalomaniac playing pretend knight-errant to which other, more normal characters can respond.
EDIT: I suppose this goes without saying, but I will anyway: I am looking forward to what you will write in the future, Levity.
Post by: TD1 on May 04, 2018, 03:26:15 pm
There came across the ruined wall a knight of endless watch, who by enchantment had stood as still as stone for numberless days and nights, as rock warmed, cooled and cracked and crumbled around him as he waited for one to step across his runic boundary, at which he would draw his black blade hissing from its sheath, and advance upon the intruder with oaths spoken through his visor blacker than all his nights alone.Decided to write something around this:
Gawain stood.
Something was drip. Drip. Dripping behind him. For how long? Fifty years, a hundred? He couldn't be sure. Indeed, years were obsolete. The drip had become his way of telling time. One thousand eight hundred and ninety nine drips. One thousand nine hundred drips. On until the sun set in front of him, burning his lidless eyes, blinding him daily. Then he would start again.
He hated that sun. Vaguely, so vaguely that it seemed like a memory made of mist, he remembered a past when that had not been so. Stretching his memory - his imagination? - he saw a pair of brown eyes, felt a pair of spectral hands on his head. He wondered at that, at who she was. Now, when the pregnant clouds rolled down from the Rim Mountains and blocked the light, he blessed them. Though the sound of the rain did interrupt his careful tabulation of time.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Gawain stood.
In the distance, his eyes saw a speck. People coming. If he could have frowned, he would; the ruins of Tol Daren had not seen visitors in.... so long that his mind rebounded at the thought. It grew larger, and larger. Three hundred thousand drips later, they were close enough for him to see the lumbering beasts, the grey-beard at the front with his walking staff. It was a caravan, tired-looking women and children strung out in a line with hard-faced men to the sides. The old man weaved erratically in front of them all. The cut of their clothes was alien to him, but fashion, as he well knew, changed. His own set of obsidian armour likely belonged in one of their museums.
The old man stopped a few paces from Gawain, and drew a long draught from the flask at his side. His eyes ranged over the ruined buildings, the symbols etched clearly into the ground despite the grinding of the years. Gawain knew what they said. Warning, they cried. Danger. Do not cross. The old man's face lit up. The caravan caught up to him, and one of the women stepped forward with a babe-in-arms.
Grey beard gestured expansively in front of him. "Behold, Veronica! I have delivered our people from the scourge of the Daidier... Dayder..."
"Derdimon," the woman said.
"Yes! The Derdimune. This is the capital of Visothie. We'll not be followed." He spat to the side. "Superstitious fools."
The others were gathering now, and one of the men pointed to the symbols cut into the ground.
"Maybe there's something to the rumours... look at those. They don't look like nothing but superstition, Prophet."
"Nonsense! Listen, when I was your age, I explored ruins for a living. They all have curses! And I'm perfectly alright."
The others shuffled their feet, and the 'Prophet' rolled his eyes in an exaggerated fashion. Gawain could smell him, now. Sour berries and travel sweat. One of the children ran forward, thin beneath his simple clothes but with a light of curiosity in his eyes.
"P...prophet? Is that a real Knight?" A shaking finger was pointed at Gawain, and the Prophet's eyes became briefly grim. He took another long pull from his flask, and when it lowered his eyes were full of optimism once more.
"No, Little One. It's a statue of the Mad Prince. It's said he slaughtered the entire city single-handedly, slaying innocents in their beds. It's said his ghost walks the haunted streets with flames in its eyes and murder in its incorporeal heart." He hiccuped, and trailed to a stop. The women in the crowd were glaring at him. It took three drips for him to realise, and when he did he scowled.
"Superstition," he said.
He stepped across the boundary.
Gawain's muscles moved, not stiff as he would have expected. Freely. Limber. Powered by ancient magic. His sword cleared its sheath with a sibilant whisper, soft as a breeze in grass. It was black obsidian. When the Prophet's head tumbled from his shoulders, it was red.
When Gawain spoke, though, his voice creaked like an old man's. They were not even his words, though they would not know that. A sorcerer, long dead, speaking in a forbidden language. Speaking again the spell which would bind Gawain, root him to the earth like a common statue. He would not have long. If any got past to the City Centre, the sorcerer would become.... less dead. He remembered long-gone spoken oaths and recited them where the sorcerer's incantation lulled.
I will defend the city.
I will seal the tomb.
My sentinel will be eternal,
The Mage will know his doom.
Sword will not break
Nor armour rust
Head will not bow
Nor turn to dust
'Til it is done
And Mage is dead.
It no longer bothered him that the words had long since lost their meaning to him. He knew what they meant in spirit. Stand and kill whoever tried to get into the city. The sorcerer could not be allowed to wake. He strained against the spell that poured from his own lips.
It was over before he realised it was, and they all lay before him dead. Two hundred people, maybe more. A village seeking refuge in all the wrong places. He barely had time to return to his place before the sorcerer's curse caught him fully in its snare once more. In front of him, the woman named Veronica stared sightlessly at the damned sun. Her eyes, he noticed, were brown.
Behind him, the drips continued. But slightly different, now.
Drip-drip. Drip-drip. Drip-drip.
His sword, clenched in his hand and freed of its sheath, dripped red onto the thirsty runes at his feet.
Post by: Aylokat on May 05, 2018, 02:35:24 am
Keep the dream alive:
Spoiler: Th4DwArfY1 - “Spellbound Gawain” (click to show/hide)
Post by: Levity on May 05, 2018, 01:18:26 pm
Spoiler: My Thoughts on Gawain (click to show/hide)
P.S: In regards to what you were saying about the last piece, Aylo, I think these two stories perfectly show how important proper buildup is, as well as consistent story logic. I would say one lacks a lot of buildup, which subsequently makes its logic hard to grasp, while the other has trouble with its own logic which it sometimes breaks.
It would be great to hear what anyone else thinks about the pieces, and also about our critiques! I personally think it's important to never tell someone how to write, but instead suggest ways they might improve it.
P.S.S: I do have a problem with the words 'tabulation' and 'sibilant.' They seem a little too fancy for me when compared with the rest of the piece. I myself stick rigidly to the language I know. I didn't study literature at a top university, I'm not a serious academic, and the words I use in my stories reflect that. Of course, word choice is totally up to you.
He hated that sun. Vaguely, so vaguely that it seemed like a memory made of mist... Recently, I read something fantastically obvious that I had never really thought about before. It was in a book on writing by Ursula Le. Guin called Steering the Craft, and in it she says something along the lines of: the purpose of each sentence is to lead onto the other. This was like a light-bulb for me, and I would recommend you think on it, with this sentence as your subject. What are the subjects of these sentences, and how quickly do you switch between them? This is vital for maintaining coherence with your reader. It also relates to paragraph construction, which is how you build the blocks of your story.
In regards to my own writing, I am currently cramming in a whole load of research to try and get a practice chapter posted on here. I have recently decided to switch from writing purely second world fantasy, to basically writing whatever the fuck I want. It's been liberating. The story I'm currently working on is about the daughter of a Danish noble in Anglo-Saxon England, who as part of a blood-feud between families ends up seeing a whole load of shit she shouldn't. After this trauma, she discovers a strange chapel/grove/shrine/I haven't quite decided yet, and within is a strange new world the likes of which is inspired by mythology and the atmosphere of the Souls series. What she finds in this second world, and her choices within it, will have massive ramifications for the primary world. Hopefully I'll have something on here soon.
Post by: Aylokat on May 06, 2018, 03:14:52 am
That was awesome! It's really interesting to see how one idea can germinate into others, and of course, each person will have their own perspective on the original! What a mad world we live in.
The interpersonal dance of ideas is a fine one indeed. How exciting it is to see budding ideas grow, shift, bend, and blossom into a hundred colors.
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However, I think here it becomes pretty convoluted: [. . .]
I read that paragraph quite a few times before I understood that Gawain was not petrifying himself in order to guard the ruins with the assistance of the sorcerer, who I imagined had done it as a panicked last measure, and patching up the decaying spell with his own words. I originally thought “He strained against the spell that poured from his own lips” meant that the repeated use of the spell was nearly too much for Gawain. I vaguely was under the impression that the sorcerer was trapped in a limbo, and that if he did not pass on but was disturbed he would become some corpse-puppet of a dark force—perhaps that he was evading the price of magic.
Often, I have noticed, writing becomes confusing as a result of minimizing space without thoroughly considering if a reader who does not already understand the meaning can find it without ordeal.
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I personally think it's important to never tell someone how to write, but instead suggest ways they might improve it.
There are situations where you should tell someone how not to write, but certainly freedom is critical. Two people will hold different positions on how an idea should develop. Telling someone to limit the flirting between two characters is good in order to explore the setting, but it is detrimental if the work is meant to be a romance and the setting is only in support of it.
It is essential to follow your fancy, if only occasionally, because even if you recognize it to be extremely stupid, it is an opportunity to experiment, learn, examine the idea, and put it out of your head to focus on other work better. You can figure out what about it captured your interest and use that later on—even in the middle of a less experimental work you can always try new things and cut out the silly stuff. It also is wise to affirm that you are doing your writing out of choice, not because you forced yourself on some obligation.
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'tabulation' and 'sibilant.'
When I read sibilant, I got the impression of a metal snake striking out from its den.
Tabulation seemed overly sophisticated for someone frozen in place counting droplets for decades. Gawain must really have built his skills over his time as a statue. If he cannot find work as a street performer, he can become a ready mathematician!
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the purpose of each sentence is to lead onto the other.
I figured this out based on painstakingly examining and reexamining my older writing (as a challenge) and several comments on films roughly amounting to “What is the point of this scene? What is it supposed to convey?” Anything that did not establish the characters, further the plot, explain the setting, or change the situation felt like a meaningless diversion after the fourth time it happened, no matter if it was good. The point being that information should be given when relevant, and if you want to give it at a time when it is not, devise a way to make it logical. You have the ability to control your fiction universe to benefit you as the author, so use it.
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In regards to my own writing, [. . .]
Excellent. I assume you do not have someone breathing down your neck about writing pure second-world fantasy, thus it is good to pursue any and all ideas you might have. A wide range of practice and skill serves only to improve future writing.
With a pitch like that and your displayed ability, truly it is hoped by me and doubtlessly others that your writing is finished (in due time, of course) and may be read.
(As an aside about writing a story as you go along, I have gathered from experience that it takes at least 2000 words before it starts to become coherent.)
Post by: Levity on May 06, 2018, 06:13:01 pm
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Often, I have noticed, writing becomes confusing as a result of minimizing space without thoroughly considering if a reader who does not already understand the meaning can find it without ordeal.
This is a huge thing, the idea of space within the text and how story information is doled out. It relates to every aspect of storytelling, in my opinion. My early writings were like bullet trains: every paragraph was a plot point; every conversation my ‘characters’ engaged with was momentous. When you write like that, you end up looking back at the couple thousand words and it all seems vacuous. The characters aren’t really people, they’re just mouthpieces. The story isn’t that lovely multi-layered flowing thing that great stories are, it’s like someone tapping a nail restlessly into a wooden plank.
I still struggle with this. I really think proper research, direction, thought, and of course practice, comes into getting past it. Or, you can just write like that. I think some successful published authors do, whereas I always found it too thin, too simple, and I’m working hard to get past it.
Ultimately, stories are a very human thing, and apart from experimental stuff, which will rarely draw a wide readership; the stories need to feel human. Hell, I once read a sci-fi that was about a man transcending his earthly body and becoming a multi-dimensional, omni-present energy; and still what I remember best about the book is his earthly musings, as he observes millions upon millions of years and dozens upon dozens of planets. Though an ascended energy, the main character was still very much human, and there was space between the various ideas in the story and interplay between them. It wasn’t just the bang, bang, bang of these super simple stories. The ones most of my writings have turned out to be.
Post by: TD1 on May 06, 2018, 09:06:58 pm
However, I think here it becomes pretty convoluted: "When Gawain spoke, though, his voice creaked like an old man's. They were not even his words, though they would not know that. A sorcerer, long dead, speaking in a forbidden language. Speaking again the spell which would bind Gawain, root him to the earth like a common statue. He would not have long. If any got past to the City Centre, the sorcerer would become.... less dead. He remembered long-gone spoken oaths and recited them where the sorcerer's incantation lulled."Totally agree, on a reread.
- I would say there's too much information being dumped at once, and for me this section is indicative of a problem I have with the piece as a whole. I would mirror what Aylokat says, in that the perspective whips about far too quickly, like a wasp trapped in a room with many windows. We begin intensely introspective; then we're observing something far away, which grows closer and more detailed; followed by dialogue of multiple persons involving a lot of information and a lot of different perspectives. For me at least, it was a fairly confusing read the first time round.
I also think there's some confusion with Gawain's acuity. Just how much can he remember? The drips work well for me, they convey a strange middle ground whereby Gawain is held in place by his curse, mentally dulled, yet strangely awake. Then we have a mist-like recollection of a woman, all nicely done and accordant with before. But then we have the Rim Mountains and the ruins of Tol Daren (so he knows their names?) and we have his perfect recollection of why he was cursed in the first place, and precisely what will happen if any make it past him. Overall I found Gawain to exist in a wavering state between total understanding of the situation and a dulled, accursed existence. I think we all know which better fits the piece!
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P.S.S: I do have a problem with the words 'tabulation' and 'sibilant.' They seem a little too fancy for me when compared with the rest of the piece. I myself stick rigidly to the language I know. I didn't study literature at a top university, I'm not a serious academic, and the words I use in my stories reflect that. Of course, word choice is totally up to you.Can see where you're coming from, but don't quite agree. I am studying literature at a fairly respected (probably top?) university, so there's that.
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He hated that sun. Vaguely, so vaguely that it seemed like a memory made of mist... Recently, I read something fantastically obvious that I had never really thought about before. It was in a book on writing by Ursula Le. Guin called Steering the Craft, and in it she says something along the lines of: the purpose of each sentence is to lead onto the other. This was like a light-bulb for me, and I would recommend you think on it, with this sentence as your subject. What are the subjects of these sentences, and how quickly do you switch between them? This is vital for maintaining coherence with your reader. It also relates to paragraph construction, which is how you build the blocks of your story.Good advice, thanks! I recommend in return you watch Brandon Sanderson's story writing videos on Youtube. They are pure gold, though I've only seen a few so far.
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In regards to my own writing, I am currently cramming in a whole load of research to try and get a practice chapter posted on here. I have recently decided to switch from writing purely second world fantasy, to basically writing whatever the fuck I want. It's been liberating. The story I'm currently working on is about the daughter of a Danish noble in Anglo-Saxon England, who as part of a blood-feud between families ends up seeing a whole load of shit she shouldn't. After this trauma, she discovers a strange chapel/grove/shrine/I haven't quite decided yet, and within is a strange new world the likes of which is inspired by mythology and the atmosphere of the Souls series. What she finds in this second world, and her choices within it, will have massive ramifications for the primary world. Hopefully I'll have something on here soon.A note on this. Possibly already known by you, but as Anglo-Saxon times are an interest of mine I'll say it anyway. A feud in Anglo-Saxon times was primarily between men (obviously). In the Old Norse tales, a woman would provoke the pursuit of vengeance. In one tale, the woman roused the men by shaming them (a tactic women would often use to drive men to vengeance) and then tried to follow them on a horse to participate in the vengeance. Her saddle girth was cut so she fell out of the saddle - the message being clear. Women could instigate vengeance, and indeed it was their role, but they were not to participate in it. In Anglo-Saxon times, their role revolved mainly around that of the "Peaceweaver." Political glue to hold families together by marriage, but also a political tool in themselves. See Wealtheoh from Beowulf (Hrothgar's Queen) to see what I mean. She attempts to defuse tensions. Offers the cup. Makes statements on future unity, and tries to ensure her sons are properly taken care of. By Arthurian times, keep in mind that the literary figure of a Queen such as Guinevere had become one of decoration primarily. She was in "an adorned dias set" if I recall correctly, and therefore taken primarily as an ornament while battling went around her.
If you want a figure who breaks these norms, see Grendel's mother as a monstrous example. She comes to avenge her son. This is part of her monstrosity - keep in mind that your Anglo Saxon men will find any feuding women you have as at least nerve-wracking, at most terrifying.
The saintly version is St. Judith, a Biblical tale altered by an Anglo-Saxon poet. In this, Holofernes is killed by Judith to save her people from the Assyrians - her role is that of the Hero, the ender of feud. Keep in mind that she was heavily associated with the power of God, and only this stopped her manly action from being monstrous. She was also protecting her virtue, another important point. If you want a woman character to be sympathised with by the Anglo Saxon men, have her either on a mission from God or protecting her virtue.
Also, see the Law Codes of King Alfred. They give the laws on pursuing vengeance - how much money should be paid in Wergild (money paid as a way to end feud) instead of blood. One I remember in particular is that if you besiege a man in his house, he is allowed thirty days to negotiate with you before you kill him. I believe there are also laws on the treatment of women and slaves. How often these laws were actually followed is of course up for debate.
As for the shrine/grove/whatever, possibly one to Thor? They were fairly common and lasted for a long time in the British Isles. Also, on Geography: if your man is a powerful Danish noble, he'd probably be located in the Danelaw, and then in Northumbria around York, which was the seat of Viking power. Get your time right, as well. It's Anglo Saxon, but the Danes are there, so mid-to-late Anglo Saxon. There are a few types of power depending on time - shared between the Angles and the Vikings, in the hands of the Vikings (i.e. Canute, who ruled over England, Denmark, Norway, and possibly Sweden though not sure on that last), or in the hands of the Angles, notably King Alfred of Wessex who reclaims England, introduces much learning, and focuses on the vernacular. His laws, for instance, reflect this latter age - he wanted to limit blood shed and forge a more unified England.
Just a few things I've noted on reading Anglo Saxon works, in case any of it is helpful. To sum, really: Women are meant to be peaceweavers, not vengeful. They can incite the men to vengeance but not participate.
Also, I must agree with most of Aylokat's observations. I will add though that I am fond of capitalising words which are not proper nouns for the sake of emphasis, but also realise this is a bad habit to feed.
Oh, also, on the Knight-gets-passionate trope: have a Garland.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on May 07, 2018, 03:20:05 am
Gawain could be a street performer, I’m just not sure many of his spectators would survive the ordeal. ‘Step across the runic bounday and place a coin...’
“Step right up, step right up! Watch me juggle not ONE, not TWO, not THREE, but EIGHT of the audience members’ heads! Hold onto your hats and pin your feet down, or this enchanting sight will blow you away and send your head spinning it is so good! ’Tis but a halfpence, heading to nearly highway robbery of me, but rattle your swords, I say, and I shall stand and deliver, you dashing rogues.”
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This is a huge thing, the idea of space within the text and how story information is doled out. [. . .]
Interesting. My early writing was the reverse: little plot, lot of character, somehow (I recall being just as bewildered when I had first written the story) multi-layered, probably on account of the many random plot lines coming from people to inanimate objects—there was at least one about horse-racer turned fashion designer catering only to horses. There was also a sub-plot about different ways of cooking ham, I recall, as a sort of ideological schism, ending with the untimely death of the proponent of flash-fried honey glaze.
My writing still has elements of the comedic timing “delaying sections” and meandering dialog, but pleasantly so (to me, that is, and as opposed the earlier writing) where it is not a spilled cup of milk but a brook down the hillside. Not quite an outright tragedy. Unfortunately, I have become so accustomed to the comedic tone that it never disappears from my writing, only growing darker and more morbid like an executioner working overtime. Though I find it remarkable how a scene can be funny even if no character is having fun, just by unusual circumstance.
The art of making your story flow smoothly is a difficult one, harder still to also have it flow toward something. The best advice I can think to give is to consider the natural responses to an action and its effects. It feels stilted if a character says something and the other addresses only the part pertaining to the plot, so rather follow a fork in the interaction that rejoins the main path after a few notable sights, it fleshes out the setting and the characters as well.
Though, of course, meandering can be a bad thing depending on the situation and sometimes you will want to construct the scene so as to justify the quick, important slashes of dialog. One way to do so is to make it the style, reducing complex feelings to a set of distinctive, character-defining actions, but this sort of style demands no failure, as every piece is a pillar holding up the arch.
Oh, also, on the Knight-gets-passionate trope: have a Garland.
Oh, thank you kindly, I will have a Garland:
Spoiler: Th4DwArfY1 - “Sir Garland, PK” (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on May 07, 2018, 07:44:43 am
There are no jarring gaps in the narrative, nor confusing paragraphs except the second, where it is unclear how Garland is holding his sword over the man's chest, if they are both standing, or who the man is. Even now I am not sure whether the Chair was on his knees or lying on the ground.Surely this is mainly irrelevant?
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For a moment, Garland comes across as murdering brigand as he is looking for a different weapon to kill his victim with. Had I not read “Oh, also, on the Knight-gets-passionate trope: have a Garland” I would have assumed that he was a brigand and then I would have had a sudden stop to wonder if a “Parliamentarian Knight” was equivalent to a vigilante or a rebel.
The exposition of who the Chair is slowed the story in a way the exposition about the Parliamentarian Knights did not, which was relevant as Garland was delaying his actions to consider the conundrum he was in as a Knight. It is better placed elsewhere, either at the beginning, the blade he held over the Parliamentarian Chair's chest, or ahead when he calls him Sir Chair.
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“the Chair cut off, and Garland opened his eyes” seems odd to me. I think it is meant to say that the Chair stopped because Garland looked at him, but the the is not capitalized and it makes “cut off” a dialog tag like said, so it reads like the Chair speaks and afterward Garland opens his eyes.The Chair spoke. Then trailed off, fear sort of being implied. Then Garland opened his eyes, his contemplation interrupted.
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The Chair might have moved his hand quickly, but why did he have the chance speak a few sentences? Did Garland stop lunging? The Chair seems overconfident that he will be safe despite enough time passing for Garland to just kill him.I wouldn't have thought this was problematic. The Chair has crushed the crystal, so knows the Constables are coming. Garland has seen the crushed crystal, so there's no point in him continuing to lunge towards him. By lunge I don't mean with his sword - more a quick attempt at grabbing. Probably should have made that more apparent.
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“Garland suspected that this had something to do with the boot he had driven into the man’s plump, vulnerable belly” is a strange tone shift. It is indirect and a hindrance to the building action.Good point.
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“The casual nature of the throw” The Constables seem to take the Chair being held at sword-point quite well, waiting to act until they are all in place, to the point of throwing an incendiary over the Chair while there other Constables opposite the thrower who could be hit if Garland ducked.Oh, that definitely needs addressed. To be fair, the Chair is behind Garland, and I sort of envisioned the Constables hugging the left, right, and front walls, but that's by no means clear.
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I still am not certain to what degree the fragmentary sentences are stylistic, but it reads awkwardly at times with constructions like “Garland flicked back his silver hair. Coldly considered” where the period is better replaced with a semicolon, or a dash if it is meant to be abruptDefinitely stylistic.
Thanks very much for the critique!
Post by: Aylokat on May 07, 2018, 11:00:10 am
Surely this is mainly irrelevant?
The implication is different. I first imagined the Chair to be lying on his back, with Garland holding him down with a boot so he could cleanly cut the Chair, whom he did not want to scramble away to a weapon. In such a scenario they had already fought (as much as the Chair could fight) and Garland won, which I had thought was why the Chair had spit on his chin, as opposed to ignobly slobbering at Garland in terror. If the Chair was on his knees, then he started begging for mercy without bothering to struggle, knowing that Garland’s unnoticed entry into his chambers left him no other viable choice. This makes the Chair look like a massive coward, contrary to a power-hungry madman who tried to fight a Knight.
(Hmm. I just now considered that Garland was holding his blade to the Chair’s neck, rather than vaguely above him in preparation for a swing.) There is a difference between decapitating a guy on his knees and just stabbing him on the floor. Not much of one; practicality outweighs decorum, especially after breaking into a high-security building. But the idea Garland of killing the Chair with an “organized” execution seems more formal than a simple finishing strike, perhaps fitting a Knight better.
The lack of knowledge about who Chair is means the situation has to be accepted by the reader without fully understanding the importance, and the situation is not as powerful as it could be if the reader immediately knew the danger Garland was in by threatening the Chair in his own chambers, with guards a few moments away. If this was known, then the Chair crushing his crystal would cause dread in anticipating the soldiers.
Quote from: Th4DwArfY1
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If this second point is meant to refute two statements of mine with one another, it is too clever for me, heh. (Oof, do my posts actually read like impenetrable blocks, or is this the text equivalent of listening to your own voice? Pfft, hehehe.)
A minor thing I have noticed, reading the story again, is “You are not wanted any more.” Is the intention of the Chair to say that no additional aid is needed from the Knights (any more to mean any further), or, what I had imagined from Garland’s anger, that the world has moved on and that the Knights are outmoded by Constables and lost their value (anymore to mean any longer)? The first option seems too polite. Then again, you would be polite with a sword looming over you.
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The Chair spoke. Then trailed off, fear sort of being implied. Then Garland opened his eyes, his contemplation interrupted.
To me, cut off implies haste, and the Chair halting his pleading and Garland opening his eyes being in the same sentence, while Garland breathing out is not, made me draw the conclusion that one caused the other.
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I wouldn't have thought this was problematic. The Chair has crushed the crystal, so knows the Constables are coming. Garland has seen the crushed crystal, so there's no point in him continuing to lunge towards him. By lunge I don't mean with his sword - more a quick attempt at grabbing. Probably should have made that more apparent.
I did not think Garland was lunging with his sword, that was clear enough as it is Garland that is said to be lunging and not his sword. I did think he was awkwardly stooping over the prone Chair, being unable to stop him with a kick for some reason. What bothered me was that only after two paragraphs it is revealed that the crystal summoned guards. Before that point it seemed that with the Chair’s sudden confident speech about Garland being obsolete, he had struck Garland with a magical weapon. I thought “too late” meant he was too late for his lunge to connect with the Chair at all due to changing circumstances, not that he was too late to stop the Chair’s action.
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Definitely stylistic.
Thank you. Your writing is easier for me to understand now that I properly know the boundaries of its style.
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Thanks very much for the critique!
I enjoy reading your writing, talking about it also (all the better if I manage to grasp it afterward!), so I am happy to go on doing so. I almost feel like I should be thanking you—again. It is how I honestly feel, so I might as well: Thank you, Dwarfy, for continuing to write and posting it for wider appreciation.
Post by: Levity on May 07, 2018, 11:07:37 am
Garland flicked back his silver hair. Coldly considered the blade he held above the man’s chest, then slowly withdrew it. This is actually incorrect use of English, and looks like it may have been some slip of the finger or auto-correct issue. It can't really be claimed as a stylistic choice. It should be:
Garland flicked back his silver hair, coldly considered the blade he held above the man’s chest, then slowly withdrew it. This is a far better opening sentence, and in the first example we have a subordinate clause as the second sentence, which is a big no-no.
Coldly considered the blade he held above the man’s chest, then slowly withdrew it. This only makes sense as a standalone sentence if Coldly is the name of your character. As it is, you have a subordinate clause with no subject, which doesn't make sense and will confuse any reader. Of course, keep this style if you wish, but I think you are going to confuse a lot of readers if you do.
Secondly we have some problems with perspective. We are nicely settled into the POV of Garland, through sentences like: There was no doubt; the world still had its share of fools.
And paragraphs such as: Yet what a prosperous world it was! Garland should know. A Parliamentarian Knight saw all the undesirable sides of reality in his pursuit of justice. It was not an enviable job, but how desperate he had been to join, back when his heart had held hopes of blood and vengeance and passion! It had taken some time to achieve those ambitions, but afterwards the world had become… peaceful.
Okay, cool. We are inside Garland's head, in a limited third-person perspective, which is how we see all his thoughts and reflections on the past. As a reader, I'm now comfortable. But then we come to: Relief cloaked in suspicion filled the Chair’s eyes...
Wha-what? What does that even mean? This is so jarring to the narrative and so unrealistic that I have to make a point of it. What does relief cloaked in suspicion actually look like? And how would Garland be able to recognise it from the way the Chair's eyes move? Perspective is something that has to be consistent throughout the story, otherwise it breaks the experience for the reader. In a third-person limited view, which is strongly established at the beginning of the story, there is no way Garland can know about these little mind games the Chair is making, all from how his eyes look as Garland stands over him. Not unless Garland is psychic, which has not been established anywhere in the story.
Aside from that I think Garland is a solid character with a lot of agency, and his characterisation is strong. For me, however, it is just another Brandon-esque Epic Fantasy Hero - namely, an unrealistically competent fighter who inflicts whole heaps of bloodshed against the bad guys. I actually studied all of Sanderson's writing lectures a year or so back, and found them hugely useful. Since then, I have read widely within the fantasy genre and without, and I have to say, his writing is hardly anything special and is actually pretty juvenile. I've had a grand time reading his books, but they are just entertainment, really.
I don't think of Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber as the pinnacle of their genres, much the same as Sanderson isn't the pinnacle of his, just because he's sold a fuckload of books. I think he actually reinforces a lot of problems within the fantasy genre that stop it from being taken seriously. I also think that if you want to stand out as a writer, there has to come a point where you say 'fuck it,' and just make your own path. As Neil Gaiman says, nobody can write the story you write. If you constantly try to ape another's style, you are limiting yourself, and you will only ever produce paler imitations of whatever style it is you are imitating.
I will reiterate: Sanderson's writing lectures are fantastic for beginner writers. Past that, those same writers need to grasp what a story is, then throw everything they've been taught to the backs of their minds and just let it flow. That's the only way to write a great, original story.
EDIT: Perspective doesn't have to be consistent throughout the story. You can shift and change and do as many weird things as you want. Yet, it does have to be clear for the reader. Otherwise you'll lose them, and they won't enjoy the story.
EDIT2: I've just realised that perhaps relief cloaked in suspicion means something like relief mingled with suspicion - in which case it isn't so perspective-shattering. I would still say it's a lot of precise detail communicated simply through a character's eyes. Imagine looking someone in the eye and being able to tell their precise emotional state. That's what Garland does in this story. Seems odd when you think about it, no?
Post by: Imic on May 07, 2018, 11:21:29 am
Finally, she reaches the base of the peak. In the darkness from afar, it could not be made out, but now, it is as clear as can be: There is a tall door here, made from solid rock, and fastened with metal bands. At it's centre is a large, four pointed star.
She walks up to it, towards a small pile of stones at it's base. The ground around it is littered with skeletons, rusted armour, firearms, and broken tanks. She takes off her hood, revealing a lined, scarred face, and long braided hair, dark with streaks of grey. Slowly, she takes a pack off her bag, and takes out the skull of some demonic beast, with long broken teeth, and four eye sockets. She turns around, and throws it into the lake. Slowly, she takes a loose stone from the beach, and carefully adds it to the pile. She stamds motionless for some time, before walking away, and starting a small fire. After some time, she gets out a bedroll, and goes to sleep.
In the morning, she is dead.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 07, 2018, 12:02:44 pm
A lone figure walks alone. (Unnecessary repetition. We know a lone figure must walk, by definition, alone.) Around her, all the world is dark. Slowly, up a long, winding path, she trudges ever forward, never stopping or looking around her. Finally, she reaches the end of her path. It's a small valley, the centre taken over by a large lake. Two sides have tall hills, one side drops down into the darkness, and the last goes up, into a tall peak. At its bottom is a dark rectangle, (of the lake?)almost invisible in the gloom. She walks around the lake, the path getting rougher with each passing step. Occasionally, old bones, weapons, tools, and vehicles of war poke out of the soil.
Finally, she reaches the base of the peak. In the darkness from afar, it could not be made out, but now, it is as clear as can be: There is a tall door here, made from solid rock, and fastened with metal bands. At its centre is a large, four pointed star.
She walks up to it, towards a small pile of stones at its base. The ground around it is littered with skeletons, rusted armour, firearms, and broken tanks. She takes off her hood, revealing a lined, scarred face, and long braided hair, dark with streaks of grey. Slowly, she takes a pack off her bag, and takes out the skull of some demonic beast, with long broken teeth, and four eye sockets. She turns around, and throws it into the lake. Slowly, she takes a loose stone from the beach, and carefully adds it to the pile. She stands motionless for some time, before walking away, and starting a small fire. After some time, she gets out a bedroll, and goes to sleep.
In the morning, she is dead. (Why?)
More sentences than the ones I've put comments for could do with reworking - some of them are rather clunky.
The's not really a connection between her death and the rest - the connection between a bunch of skeletons at the door and her dying is weakened by the mention of armour, firearms and tanks, which suggests it's a old battlefield (or battlefields).
Post by: Imic on May 07, 2018, 12:16:05 pm
Having too many sentances in too little space is something I've had trouble with for a long while.
Thanks for the feedback.
Post by: Levity on May 07, 2018, 12:41:27 pm
In regards to my critique, I'm sorry if I come across as harsh! These are all issues I've had with my own writing, and you are of course free to accept my pointers or disregard them. It's all up to you! :D
Post by: Levity on May 07, 2018, 02:26:09 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
For me it has the usual problems: generic character archetypes and roles; oversimple writing; too-quick pacing; cliche cliche CLLIIICHHEE!
I'm okay with the technical side of the writing. There's a few bits and bobs I'd change. It's just too simple, no depth, not enough poetry. Though, my style has developed since this piece, which was written in January.
Post by: Imic on May 07, 2018, 02:51:37 pm
Post by: Aylokat on May 08, 2018, 03:56:35 am
Of course, keep this style if you wish, but I think you are going to confuse a lot of readers if you do.
A heavier emphasize on the style is warranted, if it is to be used. The clipped sentences could not be confused for occasional mistakes if they were consistent and visible.
For example: Garland flicked back his hair—silver. Considered coldly the blade he held above the man’s chest. Slowly withdrew it. A hopeful exclamation from his victim, proving Garland’s suspicion. There was no doubt. The world still had its fools.
The lengthy sentences put next to the short make it seem strange to the reader, as do the subsequent commas when there is not one at first need. The semicolon near the end also makes the reader wonder why that was not used for the first sentence.
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As Neil Gaiman says, nobody can write the story you write. If you constantly try to ape another's style, you are limiting yourself, and you will only ever produce paler imitations of whatever style it is you are imitating.
I agree. It should be easier to write rather than follow the form of someone else. It will be discernible from its kin, a real Hey, this is familiar. Do I know this author? I have seen it at least once before in this thread, and with my earlier writing, that feeling of it being done before, but better. I remember someone outright saying about that work years ago, “This reads like Terry Pratchett!” and I had thought to myself, “It does, but that is not good. That only reminds me of something better. I wish I was reading Terry Pratchett instead.” It had been meant as a compliment, and the author took it as such, but I could not help but see it as an observation of imitation—the mark of amateurish writing.
Spoiler: Levity - A Pint of Drakesblood (click to show/hide)
One's greatest critic can often bethemselvesoneself.
Though not in this case, heh. I should fashion a little cardboard crown for myself to go with that title.
Post by: Levity on May 08, 2018, 11:18:26 am
Now, Mr. Aylokat, why don’t we see some writing from you?
Crossed for bad behaviour. This kind of self-abasement is not healthy for life, nor writing groups.
Post by: TD1 on May 08, 2018, 01:05:09 pm
Secondly we have some problems with perspective. We are nicely settled into the POV of Garland, through sentences like: There was no doubt; the world still had its share of fools.All duly noted. You're right about the clause issue at the start, and the relief-cloaked-in-suspicion part may merit some rewording.
Also, Dwarfy, if you have any more information regarding Anglo-Saxon Britain I'd love to hear it. It seems you really know your stuff. Useful topics for me are: food and health, gender (which you've already helped a ton with), crafts etc.In terms of food, I'm not particularly knowledgeable. The nobility ate meat, the peasantry not so much. I believe England was also capable of growing grapes for wine at that stage, but not sure.
In regards to my critique, I'm sorry if I come across as harsh! These are all issues I've had with my own writing, and you are of course free to accept my pointers or disregard them. It's all up to you! :D
In terms of crafts, look no further than Sutton Hoo. The crafts there show a great debt to Old Norse styles. For instance, a helmet made for the King. A moustached face with two jewelled arches for eyebrows. Could be anyone, really, except that they made a perfect replica to demonstrate its original usage. When it was being made, the smiths noted that one eyebrow had an inlay behind the jewels, and asked whether to include it in the replica. For the sake of authenticity they were told yes. Come the enactment, The King sat at the top of his hall with the mask on his face. As the fire danced, everyone (including the actors, hah) was amazed to see that one eyebrow glowed a deep, dark red. The other was dark.
It was meant to be Odin. A craft which linked the divine power of the Norse god to the secular power of an Anglo-Saxon king. In fact, the burial finds recorded here match the burial objects found in Beowulf.
Women also likely wore shoulder clasps, the level of embellishment differing depending on wealth.
Glass beads and adornment were also widely used. Plain leather shoes were all the rage. If you want more examples of burial finds then you can look at the Oseberg and Gokstag finds. These are Scandinavian, but the same general idea. IIRC, the artwork shown on the ship and its items reflected Celtic influences with the British Isles - those knots you see in Viking art. One object in particular from one of the latter finds was a heavily embellished wheelbarrow.
If dealing with Scandinavian weapons, keep in mind that those made in Scandinavia, particularly Norway, were of low quality. They were made with bog iron, which was not as easily refined. The English did not have this issue, but keep in mind that the Vikings plundered a lot so their items often weren't made at home.
A note on payment - the nobility wore bands of gold around their arms. To keep their thegns in line, they would break off bits of the band to offer as payment.
Keep in mind also that you will not see solely Danish people in England at this time. The Swedes and Norwegians were also present. More Norwegians than Swedes, who often followed the Danube down to Constantinople for trade and focused on plunder in the East.
Hope some of this is of use.
Also:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Levity on May 08, 2018, 03:25:49 pm
Thanks for the extra information! I want to post something up here more recent, something I'm happier with. I'm sure you lot will still poke holes in it, but I feel my writing has come some ways since. We'll see.
EDIT: A lot of the problems I had with the last two pieces I replicated in my own piece from January. We really have to be mindful when we write to keep the perspective consistent and also realistic.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 08, 2018, 04:30:06 pm
Seeing you guys' stuff got me wanting to write about knights, so have a short thing about a alien biomachine knight in a ruined starship, and the woman who talks to it.
So yeah. Probably somewhat rusty, and wasn't super sure where I was going with it, but there you go.
Spoiler: The Knight in the Corridor (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on May 08, 2018, 07:50:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Enjoyed your one a lot, Gig. Only two nitpicks.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Levity on May 09, 2018, 05:00:54 am
- For example, I’d think about getting rid of the part about the rat creatures; they don’t really have a purpose aside miscellaneous setting detail, and instead swap in something that illuminates Jia a bit more. As it stands, there are a lot of hurdles to leap in the midst of the action!
Werewolf: That’s awesome, Dwarfy! This piece reads a lot smoother than the last. It has some nice vivid action, and the story was clear to me on a first pass. The only thing I would point out is a dodgy metaphor: stones falling in a waterfall? Surely they would be drowned out by the sound of falling water? Waterfalls are LOUD. I’m also not sure grinding stones and water can be likened to the chuckle of a werewolf. It just didn’t work for me.
- Overall a vivid, clearly-written piece with strong characters. Doesn’t suffer from information clogging up the story, which seems very common in previous examples.
Post by: TD1 on May 09, 2018, 08:03:36 am
Thanks for the critique!
Post by: Aylokat on May 09, 2018, 08:07:35 am
The Knight in the Corridor
I agree with Dwarfy; it is done well technically. The mentions and hints of Jia’s true nature are good and they do not seem out of place when reading. Unfortunately, I did not keep in mind that the guard called her Dr. Briggs, so the revelation of identity theft was lost on me. It would make sense if the guard called her Dr. Briggs after checking the scheduling, as he sounds rude despite her clearance level, and it is ensures the name is remembered. It is reasonable that Jia is talking herself into triggering the knight, and it doubles as her warming up her vocal cords, so that left no outstanding questions.
“Harvey and the Werewolf Hunter”
This is certainly an improvement. It is written firmly in Harvey’s thinking, clear, and the style is unmistakable. I find it excellent, and it drew me in. I like Harvey’s overconfidence and attempts at poetry that last right up until the blade. It is great that Harvey eating a farmer is casually mentioned, like he was just eating a sandwich. It smoothly introduces the werewolf element and it illustrates that Harvey is wholly comfortable doing it.
For both these I agree with Levity’s post entirely, who conveniently points out what I was not going to cover.
I read these stories in a more functional, small-scale Does this work? Do the cogs turn? as opposed to Levity’s effective, large-scale Should this work? Does it tell the time? At least, that is the reasoning I have as to why our criticisms rarely overlap, especially this time as I had decided what I would say before Levity posted.
(“clearly-written” should not have a hyphen, but it is not conspicuous or detrimental beyond me falling gaspingly on a fainting couch and sobbing profusely)
Yes, well, I knew it was a piece of crap anyway. I just posted it because it only seemed fair.
Now, Mr. Aylokat, why don’t we see some writing from you?
It was incomplete and condensed, not bad. The direct telling of how characters are meant to be perceived, I thought later, perhaps was to save time or space to get out a draft version, something I am quite familiar with. I had no problem with the premise of the story or the characters. Like you said, and I agree, you have the technical skill.
I suggest, for an easier time of character writing, and thereby moving the narrative, placing and following a personality that you like and understand to the point where you do not need to consider what the character would, you just know. Start simple, a major trait or two, then later build on the details. That way it is also easier for the reader to understand.
It should please your sense of fairness if I would also post something from around January (because I do not have any complete thing more recent). Within a day I should be finished making it readable. You are not going to be disappointed by it plunging in too quickly, oh ho hoh no, not at all.
Post by: GiglameshDespair on May 09, 2018, 09:07:37 am
Enjoyed your one a lot, Gig. Only two nitpicks.In your quote she says she's been found out sooner than she'd like. :PThough I also have to wonder why they killed the first expedition if the aim was to find new masters. Maybe the wielding of weapons near them, or something? Dunno.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Jia knows from the beginning she's been found out: she's headed to the corridor before they can come and arrest her. It's why she has to resist the urge to look behind her at the airlock and she wasn't scheduled.
The first expedition was butchered because the knight also works by proximity ("To go thirty centimetres further would be to die.") and they tried walking past it. Jia wasn't killed because she spoke in Ruz - so the ship recognised her as a replacement. That's the idea she mentions she has but isn't certain about. The suggestion with the throat scars is she got throat surgery to be able to speak it.
Cheers for the feedback!
The Knight in the Corridor: Some great descriptive writing and atmosphere, but I can’t help but feel it’s another story that suffers from plunging in too quickly. There’s a lot of plot and worldbuilding information woven into the action, and I had difficulty reading it a first time. This is key. If we want our stories to be appreciated by publishers, editors, agents etc. then they have to be enjoyed on a first pass. They won’t get a second read-through.
- For example, I’d think about getting rid of the part about the rat creatures; they don’t really have a purpose aside miscellaneous setting detail, and instead swap in something that illuminates Jia a bit more. As it stands, there are a lot of hurdles to leap in the midst of the action!
You may well be right about the rats. I'd wanted to establish the bio-tech nature of the ship's inhabitants, but I can see how something else about Jia would better serve.
Thanks for the feedback!
Post by: Levity on May 09, 2018, 10:07:09 am
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“clearly-written” should not have a hyphen, but it is not conspicuous or detrimental beyond me falling gaspingly on a fainting couch and sobbing profusely...Yep! You’re right. I do need to rein in my hyphens; a lot of them are unnecessary.
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At least, that is the reasoning I have as to why our criticisms rarely overlap...We certainly have different focuses to our critiques! I look at the story as a whole. Minor points of punctuation, unless they completely warp the meaning of sentences (as in Dwarfy’s last piece) I ignore. They aren’t so much in my interest, but I do recognise that those small things go a long way in conveying a text to the reader.
I apologise for the bad tone of my messages yesterday. Wasn’t in the greatest mind-set and posting an old work I’m not particularly happy with didn’t help. I will be better in the future.
Thanks for all the submissions and critiques, everyone! The embers of the thread are aglow!
Post by: Aylokat on May 10, 2018, 07:59:24 am
Perspective, both from the characters and the reader, is key. Consider this: What do the characters see and how do they react, what does the reader see and what might he think. What does that scene do in effect.
As I relearned when adjusting this writing, you should not bother rewriting. Instead write it again. It is faster, less tedious—goodness, is it less tedious!—and allows you to reconsider the phrasing to flow better or be differently weighted.
Here is my work. It got quite exciting to finish it in time for my self-appointed deadline as there was a lot more that needed fixing than I had thought.
Spoiler: Assessment (click to show/hide)
Post by: Levity on May 11, 2018, 03:49:54 am
I have next to no experience with writing, or reading, comedy; but I will still give my perspective on the narrative. Some of the purely unrealistic elements of the story sat oddly with me: the crowd’s total relish of graphic gore and violence; the army of gun-toting gangsters; the lack of any law or order; the strangely loyal animals. The story had so many unrealistic elements that it barred me from fully enjoying the piece (I think it’s far too violent, anyway. I would much prefer a stronger focus on the two unlikely characters and their relationship. This is a story, after all, not a DOOM game.)
However, if you had setup a premise prior to all this, such as: Mr. Miller and Kelly live in a strange, post-singularity world, where everyone is constantly high on hallucinatory drugs and crime is rampant and technology can fulfill any strange or sordid dream; then I would be on board. As it is, this seemed more akin to a videogame cutscene than a piece of literature. Which is a shame, as Mr. Miller is quite an interesting character concept.
The piece was solidly written with a consistent style, though I found its descriptions wooden in places. There are too many short sentences. The description sometimes sounds like a robot. Character action becomes stilted. It reads like a screenplay. (see what I’m doing?) I would recommend increasing the variety of your sentence structures outside of dialogue. It was pretty choppy in places, and it dulls the action on the page. The dialogue on the other hand, was fab! I did see two technical mistakes as I was reading.
Nice submission! Thanks, Aylo.
Post by: Aylokat on May 11, 2018, 07:58:37 am
However, if you had setup a premise prior to all this, such as: Mr. Miller and Kelly live in a strange, post-singularity world, where everyone is constantly high on hallucinatory drugs and crime is rampant and technology can fulfill any strange or sordid dream; then I would be on board.
This is almost entirely what I imagined when I was looking over Assessment. Your post reminds that I had written the first few paragraphs as setup for the birthday suit joke, and when I continued I rationalized retroactively the story to be set in my science fiction setting, a hedonistic society where corporations effectively are large feudal states and the government literally has the military efficacy of strongly worded letters. Then I thought Mr. Miller did not fit, changed settings, and forgot I had done that at all, even when I looked at it in the meantime.
But in this modern setting I still had the powerful crime networks and the easy access to drugs, but dropped the debauchery from the world at large. It is certainly is strange, yes. You are absolutely right that I should have set up the premise. I had been too focused on setting up the events and neglected the context they were in.
The wafer that Kelly took was supposed to be partially responsible for her paranoia and why she half-suspected shadowy figures to creep up on her. I paused on that when fixing up Assessment, but I did not find a different way to communicate that more clearly swiftly enough that would not make Kelly look psychotic, as she was meant to the most reasonable person.
I had thought for a brief moment about how corrupt the government was, when Mr. Miller explained that the government suddenly had interest in the Tasteful Club, perhaps because certain officials were not paid hush money, but then forgot it as I moved on to the next line.
The start is a mess from a set of disjointed and sometimes contradictory attempts, is what I mean, and thus a second installment would not have that problem.
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The story had so many unrealistic elements that it barred me from fully enjoying the piece
In my mind, I had thrown any pretense to realism out of the window with the nude nightclub in the first paragraph. Though when I consider it, it is instead a moment asking for suspension of disbelief. There is an internal logic, however, worry not.
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the strangely loyal animals
For some reason sapient animals or objects are utterly hilarious to me, and I like to follow through on seemingly throwaway jokes.
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I don’t find comic violence all that amusing in my stories.
That is a problem for it was never supposed to be comedic, as far as I can recall. My writing suffers from scenes that appear comedic to reader while terrifying to the characters. I have trouble telling what comes across as funny when I do not intend it, like Little Stephen getting pelted through the air. When Mr. Miller and Brutal Stallone talk, the tone was supposed to be what Kelly perceived (as everything else was): a tense “Now is not the time for a funny misunderstanding, Stephen!” slowly but inevitably leading to conflict because Mr. Miller had no reason to use different words that might not offend, as he thought someone would have told him by then; instead everyone just giggled and he took that as a good sign.
Kelly stopped feeling safe from the moment Brutal Stallone showed up to right at the end, in that space nothing was supposed to be funny (anything the characters say being a logical progression or continuation), and only Mr. Miller was in any way calm, thinking that no malice was intended by anyone out of a rigid belief in courtesy and fundamental human (and animal) decency. This was meant to be the opposite to Kelly’s pessimism and distrust.
The reason for the violence actually escapes me, as I did not make notes on that; I vaguely recall something about Little Stephen being as cruel as it looked. I might have been doing something with Mr. Miller’s tolerance and nonjudgmental personality about the animals, but your guess is as good as mine, in this case. The bit about Brutal Stallone’s fingers reminds of the detective thriller Hardcase by Dan Simmons, where the first chapter is an only an action scene, set 11 years before the rest of the story which takes place in a week, that details how the main character ended up in prison. Namely by avenging his murdered friend. I deduct I read the book and saw an opportunity to try practicing something new with the violence, as I had never done something like that before—or since. There is a reason why the dialog is better than everything else.
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the crowd’s total relish of graphic gore and violence
I tried to imply that most of the crowd had consume quite the cocktail of drugs along with the cocktails. They were to be a disconcerting wall of malicious bystanders that would offer no help and prevented Kelly from leaving like a normal person, a desire which I also did not mention, as I had thought it was apparent from Kelly’s behavior. The crowd was meant to be inhumanly bloodthirsty, and the comments about club recommendation were supposed—and tremendously failed, looking back on it—to convey that Kelly found herself trapped in a strange place populated by lunatics.
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though I found its descriptions wooden in places. [. . .] The description sometimes sounds like a robot. Character action becomes stilted. It reads like a screenplay. (see what I’m doing?) I would recommend increasing the variety of your sentence structures outside of dialogue. It was pretty choppy in places, and it dulls the action on the page. [. . .] I did see two technical mistakes as I was reading.
Could you tell me of this, please? I would be grateful to be pointed to the problematic sections, if you would, and be glad to hear any suggestions at all.
The awkward lines are the bare framework showing. I think you would agree, that if it had been only the framework, it would seem fundamentally bad. This is what I meant about A Pint of Drakesblood. Do not be so hard on yourself for not making your story in one go. It takes a few passes.
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I would be interested to read more about this unlikely duo.
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I would much prefer a stronger focus on the two unlikely characters and their relationship.
Fantastic news, then! I have about two thousand words of dialog fragments lying around taking place a few days after Assessment and revolving around the pair and Mr. Miller’s junior partner at his firm, a romantic who effectively serves as a halfway point between Mr. Miller and Kelly. The characters are the most well defined elements of the story, as that is my strength, to point that they define the rest of the narrative, like the Tasteful Club’s name only existing for the line about food and furniture.
There is no mention of the animals, though I imagine a bit would be seen at Mr. Miller’s apartment building, along with his neighbors and the local youths. No violence whatsoever, as, I think, Bloody Stavros and his syndicate were (but definitely now are) supposed to be a monstrous figure in the background that Kelly actively tries to avoid.
Thank for taking the time to read my work and comment, Levity. I appreciate it. Even if you have no experience with comedy, it is tremendously helpful to me to hear what other people think, so feel free to comment on whatever you wish. I found the remark that it seemed like a video game cutscene highly interesting because it never occurred to me that it could look that way, and now that you said it I can see it well.
Post by: TD1 on May 11, 2018, 08:44:46 am
There's also a word missing near the start, but for the life of me I can't find it now...
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Kelly watched the man sit perfectly still, entranced how the flashing lights of the dance floor cast shadows on his statue-like form. She came out of her lull when the man checked his watch and muttered something about a bill, though he had not ordered anything that she could see. Kelly suddenly felt rude for staring and averted her eyes.
In terms of wooden writing, this struck me as a bit stilted. Like a list, almost. Perhaps Levity had something else in mind, though.
It seems like too many words used to describe something basic, perhaps? I'm finding it hard to quantify its woodeness, hah.
Post by: Aylokat on May 11, 2018, 11:16:48 am
In terms of wooden writing, this struck me as a bit stilted. Like a list, almost.
The way I read it, it struggles after the second sentence, and it thoroughly goes wrong with the separating period between the third and fourth. There are sentences missing between Kelly staring and Mr. Miller looking at his watch, and between Kelly looking away and her looking back. The lack of the feeling of time passing makes it seem like a list.
I get the dreadful feeling that I originally placed it to space out the conversation, then never considered that it existed as its own thing.
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I'd prefer more description.
Recently I have shifted away from description and narration as a result of concentrating on world-building and character-building, leaving only dialog in its full form rather than a notation or summary. I should rectify that, to prevent the awkward delivery if nothing else. The narration will be hindered if it only has one subject, I suspect, but I can compensate by enlarging Kelly's part in the description and removing objectivity in favor of her perception. I have no idea how that will go, but I shall find out.
With such a heavy focus on characters as this rather than events or plot, the advantages and disadvantages of a single viewpoint are now clearer to me: Because the narration does not know what characters other than the protagonist know or feel dialog is necessitated for the other characters exist as anything more than incidental bystanders; it forces the narrative, and thereby the reader, to be as ignorant as the protagonist; and the narrative will thus be distorted to fit the protagonist.
Thank you, Dwarfy. This made me reach unexpectedly helpful conclusions and make changes to my method for the next attempt.
Post by: RoseHeart on May 15, 2018, 02:40:28 am
http://www.randomtextgenerator.com
Post by: Aylokat on May 15, 2018, 03:13:01 am
On that note, I decided to try to look at Assessment from an outside perspective to gain greater understanding. I hope my mistakes can be learned from by others as I did.
Spoiler: Aylokat - Assessment (click to show/hide)
In summary, I was looking at the dialog fragments I had lying around, and as I was organizing them to be coherent I noticed that the rudimentary notation was virtually identical to the lackluster narration in Assessment. The reason Assessment reads like a screenplay is because I had effectively written it as such, forgetting over the months, and then failed to see that it was written as such when I was working out the kinks to post it, only now figuring that out with quite the bit of help. After focusing on world-building since August, I had grown so accustomed with notation that I held narration to that low standard.
Thank you, Dwarfy, thank you, Levity. I am immensely grateful for the commentary. At minimum it would been months before I would have found this fundamental flaw with my writing had I not been helped.
Post by: Parsely on May 15, 2018, 01:40:31 pm
I had never outright categorized my strengths and weaknesses, only thinking in broad writing ability.Huh. That's an interesting idea
Post by: TD1 on May 15, 2018, 05:40:56 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on May 16, 2018, 06:55:15 am
Spoiler: Th4DwArfY1 - The Desert Daemon (click to show/hide)
Post by: SaintofWar on May 28, 2018, 02:01:28 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on May 28, 2018, 08:28:57 am
I've hated lore dumps since forever, but trying to fit a high fantasy story with elements of world-building in a short story scope is I am sure possible, but a very tricky path to tread.
It certainly is possible, though you might have to heavily rely on the reader to make inferences, who when given two pieces of information is expected to deduct a third, a fourth, or a fifth piece. To make it work in a short story, only the world-building essentials for the scene should be mentioned, which is advisable in text of any length, and that might make the reader interested to learn more, rather overwhelmed by information. It is easier for someone to understand the world-building if it is shown in practice, to eliminate any misinterpretation of semantics.
In this case, with the protagonist’s core beliefs under scrutiny, it would be quite reasonable for the two characters to argue about how the world works. It would make the background information a point of drama and heighten the premise of the conceptualizing event being a major deviation.
My critique:
Spoiler: SaintofWar - “Untitled” (click to show/hide)
Post by: SaintofWar on May 28, 2018, 11:05:57 pm
I think I will try again, perhaps later today, to do the same scene or the next one, with less hand-holding and more personality. First time around I was so worried about things not making sense that I think I explained it to the point where it makes even less sense. But this was good practice for me.
Thank you.
Edit: Attempt #2:
Edit2: Posted as reply instead of edit.
Post by: Aylokat on May 29, 2018, 02:10:01 am
I think it would be best to do the next scene, as it would build momentum and give new opportunities to detail the setting, and that making Redemption’s dialog purposefully odd would work if it was made clear to the reader that it was indeed deliberate, perhaps by a comment from Rain or a thought of his.
Post by: SaintofWar on May 29, 2018, 02:38:36 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I liked the first version better. I think it had more mystery to it which could easily become 'weight' in subsequent chapters, or if the story was longer. But this one I feel like I better accomplished what I set out to do in the first place: To be heavy in lore, but not burdensome. But I also have two branches of storyline to go from here-- either whatever Redemption is doing, or Rain's report. The way this version is written, it is not clear who exactly is the protagonist of the story. There's reasonable precedent in the flavor of the characters, that the point of view could shift to either one of them, whereas in the first attempt, I think it was pretty clear that Rain is the protagonist and only point of view. I think that is a double edged sword, because it also suggests that Redemption is clearly a 'side character', implying perhaps, less 'character' to his character. I also think Rain's report would be far more boring than Redemption's 'setting the stage'. To summarize: I think this version is more interesting, but the previous had more impact or potential impact.
I eagerly anticipate further advice!
Post by: Aylokat on May 29, 2018, 08:52:06 am
Spoiler: SaintofWar - “Untitled V2” (click to show/hide)
I agree that this streamlined version does not have quite the same appeal of the original with its detailing of the powers, but if Redemption is followed in his organization of education for mundanes, this world-building would become the plot.
I assume that anyone would think Rain is the protagonist still because it is written in the first person from his perspective. Not to say that that is a urgent reason to refrain Redemption from being in focus. The story could follow both characters, for any amount of time, short or long, perhaps with Rain's parts condensed to keep the pace up.
Post by: TD1 on May 29, 2018, 11:01:44 am
Post by: SaintofWar on May 29, 2018, 11:09:56 am
I am a bit unclear on what you mean exactly by whether or not it should be But the Record?. It was my intent to portray the scene as there being a silence as Rain stops pacing. Maybe the tag at the end is misleading, as after the pause Rain asks about the status or condition of the Record, at which point Redemption replies. If I were to edit it now, I am sure I would be able to do it justice.
I also like your suggestion following suggestion to use a single hyphen with spaces instead of double hyphens. I think it's less distracting.
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Some lines, like this one, will benefit from the accompanying clause from being a separate sentence, as it gives the clause more emphasis and force.
For example: “How is that possible?” I asked. It was impossible, I knew that well, but my conviction still faltered.
I did it the original way for haste and flow. I thought about using two sentences as well, but I thought the flow was better, and more rushed/tense, if I keep it to one. Obviously, in it's current state it's left wanting. Could've done it better.
I agree with all the other remarks.
Thanks a lot Aylokat. I think tomorrow or tonight, I'll try the next scene, and hopefully it will show progress. I feel like I learned quite a bit.
EDIT: As for why Rain does not refer to Redemption by name internally or in dialogue was a style choice. It was supposed to build on the mystery including later when his full 'name' is announced. I think it creates interest in the character, and in a way, I suppose, it also detaches the characters from the wishes of the reader. I think what I am trying to say is: I am on purpose trying to keep the familiarity with the characters low, not just between each other, but the reader and characters as well.
Post by: Aylokat on May 30, 2018, 01:47:13 am
A useful thing to do when you are improvising like that is to consider precisely what a given sentence, paragraph, or scene is meant to convey or set up (though this is useful always). I find it helps you avoid sinking into a mire of unrelated diversions and rambling, and see ahead of where you are currently to where you are heading and what you need to do to get there—a series of steps through the mire.
I am a bit unclear on what you mean exactly by whether or not it should be But the Record?
“This is impossible” to me suggests an intent to stop the conversation out of disbelief, yet “And the Record? I added” and that Rain did not need to be convinced to listen further gives the impression that he was only voicing his emotions. With the dialog tag of added, the two sentences are explicitly connected despite their apparently contradictory meanings, and there is no point in between where Rain admits to himself that it might not be impossible.
But the Record? separates the two statements and implies that Rain continued regardless of his disbelief for some unrevealed reason, like curiosity or to indulge Redemption or wanting to be sure the Record was safe in any case.
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I did it the original way for haste and flow. I thought about using two sentences as well, but I thought the flow was better, and more rushed/tense
I think the sentences become cumbersome by inappropriate use of the progressive tense, such as in “faltering”, where it does not seem like Rain’s conviction faltering is directly connected to him speaking, thus making that knowledge read misplaced. To preserve a sense of rushing, the sentence could be made shorter, like: I asked, my conviction . . . faltering, or it could discard the dialog tag together with the progressive tense in favor of description, like: As I said this my conviction faltered.
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It was supposed to build on the mystery including later when his full 'name' is announced.
I suspected as much in the first version, but I had not in this second version. If mystery is what you seek, then describing a character by a visible trait instead of a name would do that well, for examples: the scarred man and the Chosen with black boots, or by some other trait like his profession or habits.
Oh, sugar. I thought I had responded to Aylo's previous critique. With that in mind - thank you. At least the issues you picked up seemed to mainly be small grammatical things rather than greater narrarive issues.
Do keep in mind that my critique on narrative is weak, as there is always a significant possibility that any problems I might have with the narrative are due to me being outside the target audience and I comment only if I can reasonably argue an error, for that is a more valuable use of the time of everyone involved than opinion poorly informed of the author’s intent, I imagine.
That opening line makes me think you are referring to me as sugar every time I see it, heh.
Post by: SaintofWar on May 31, 2018, 03:59:07 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I gotta admit I am slowly becoming invested in this setting and story. It was a throwaway, but I feel like it could have some interesting potential. I am also slightly proud of this approach to 'lore dumps'. I think it's more natural this way, although I still dislike the idea. I think things like these should be taken slowly, especially because there is so much 'content'. However, maybe this is bias, I kind of like the way it was done there, though I don't think I could replicate it again. It was truly spur of the moment.
Post by: Aylokat on May 31, 2018, 09:55:02 am
Spoiler: SaintofWar - “Untitled Part 2” (click to show/hide)
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I think things like these should be taken slowly, especially because there is so much 'content'.
I agree, but was the point not to deliver relatively great amounts of information on the world in a short story? That was a success, and the advances here will translate to longer stories.
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I kind of like the way it was done there
I am not sure where exactly you mean by “there.” Could you explain, please?
Post by: SaintofWar on May 31, 2018, 11:49:07 am
The gaseous flame was my attempt at describing it as plasma. I had the intention of mentioning this somewhere in the text but apparently I forgot.
I think one of my major issues is misjudging exactly where I use the passive voice. I think that is something that would eventually sneak in no matter how careful I was at avoiding it. It feels 'right' to me, although I understand your criticism on it.
I was also referring to the dialogue, and the way the lore is presented to another character, instead of the reader. It never occurred to me before but this way almost feels like both the reader and the protagonist 'know things'. That's what I meant by 'I like the way it was done there'.
Maybe I'll try a part 3 at some point to see if any improvements had been made but I doubt I'll be able to make major improvements other than hopefully getting the dialog tags right.
Post by: Aylokat on June 01, 2018, 02:26:21 am
In my experience, editing is a crucial element in refining your writing ability by examining your own writing and considering how else you might have done it, say, by turning the sentences around in your head to see a new angle as you would when visualizing a physical object. But unless there is an idea you want to explore in a specific narrative framework, it would be wise to move on or write anew after a few passes to avoid exhausting yourself by endlessly making tiny changes.
I advise occasionally revisiting a work a few months after it was made and rewriting it in order to measure progress. Progress often is greater than what is immediately apparent, by way of small details or stylistic shifts, and you might find that difficult parts are no longer so.
Post by: Hanslanda on June 08, 2018, 04:49:37 pm
Spoiler: A Dark Night (click to show/hide)
That's the end for now.
Post by: Aylokat on June 09, 2018, 08:41:59 am
Well, I'd like some critiquing. Tell me what I do wrong.
Here is some critique:
Spoiler: Hanslanda - A Dark Night (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hanslanda on June 09, 2018, 09:35:11 am
Post by: FallacyofUrist on June 13, 2018, 05:59:47 pm
Spoiler: The Farmers' Revolt (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on June 15, 2018, 08:42:40 am
Spoiler: FallacyofUrist - The Farmers' Revolt (click to show/hide)
If I made a mistake I welcome any corrections, and if you want me to clarify or elaborate a point I would be glad to.
Post by: Rowanas on June 22, 2018, 01:56:59 pm
Each different topic is spoilered to prevent it from taking up all the space, and to make working out what goes where a bit easier. P.S. As they are based on whatever inspiration happened to strike, the tone and nature of these vary wildly. Don't read Jakob's Interview if you're in a good mood. Hell, definitely don't read it if you're in a bad mood.
Spoiler: I think this takes place in some pulp detective universe? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: A Quest Denied (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: A super fucked up dream I had (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: An inspirational(?) speech (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Pascal defends himself (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: An Appointment with the Emperor's Advisor (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Another nightmare, more in the vein of Lovecraft's cosmic horror (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Jakob's Interview (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dark One on June 24, 2018, 02:14:16 pm
Spoiler: The silver crow (click to show/hide)
Post by: GiglameshDespair on June 24, 2018, 04:41:11 pm
It uses, well, speech marks like "this" or sometimes people use 'this'.
There's a lot of grammatical errors, in addition, but I don't have time to go through all of them now.
Post by: Dark One on June 25, 2018, 02:29:41 am
Using - for dialogs is my bad habit, I write them like that in concept versions of my texts and replace them when editing later on.
This text wasn't checked for any mistakes at all. I just slapped a concept here and called it a day. I'm more concerned with the story and if it's a good introduction to the character (giving the most basic information as the rest is going to be revealed in next stories) as I was going to rewrite it in my native language from the beginning.
Post by: Aylokat on June 25, 2018, 09:39:58 am
I'm finally going to post however many hundreds of words this is
And here is the critique of at least a thousand words. This critique was a lot more effort than I had first imagined, and it was a lot harder to read through the works as well. On account of the difficulty I did not read through it all again, but I reckon that the fragmentary nature limits the negatives of potentially missing a line.
Spoiler: Rowanas, various (click to show/hide)
This text wasn't checked for any mistakes at all. I just slapped a concept here and called it a day. I'm more concerned with the story and if it's a good introduction to the character (giving the most basic information as the rest is going to be revealed in next stories)
It would be helpful for anyone giving critique on your story if it was prefaced with the request to only look at the story, that way it would focus the efforts of the one giving critique on what you want and make the task easier. You could also fix the mistakes and make it easier still. That would be quite welcome.
Post by: Dark One on June 25, 2018, 09:52:35 am
Post by: Rowanas on June 25, 2018, 02:47:28 pm
Aylokat, thank you for your reply and for the effort that it represents. I take your grammatical criticisms and comments on redundancy to heart (I used it's instead of its in one place, I'm genuinely ashamed). I can see where I've wasted space resaying things I've already said, and intend to modify the originals ASAP. I've used dashes to indicate emphasis primarily because these are generally typed up on a Notepad file kept for this purpose and the italics tags don't work on Notepad, so it was copied across without modification.
I'll look at the placement of dialogue interruption, as yes, some of it is too clunky. I tried to find alternative places for some of those and it ended up feeling too much like a child's book ("blah" said john, "blah" said mary, "blah" said john again), but perhaps the interjections are simply too clunky to work wherever I put them.
Fewer commas, not less commas :P (we can argue this for ever if you like).
A few word choices and sentences, especially in the nightmare with the chittering darkness and A Quest Denied were made to try and more exactly replicate the styles they were associated with, Cosmic Horror and Sword and Sandals respectively. I realise that I made a lot of assumptions in the escape portion of the nightmare based on how I imagined it might feel to be in such situations - the pain fading from initial agony to dull throb, the renewal when you actually have to use the foot again and whatnot, but I can definitely rework those passages for clarity without compromising on pace and tone. Other changes, such as the one regarding the purpose of the chittering chamber were made for brevity, as the alternative is to have to explain that the chamber was constructed for the purpose of carrying sounds of agony from the exhibits to the zoo owners. I think you'll agree that it would end up being atrociously clunky. I contend that a moan may be brief, but will at least accept that I probably don't need long and drawn out.
British colleges run from age 16 to 19ish, it's a British college not an American college, which would be a British university. As a result, his hosts are adolescent. More generally, if the narrator considers that they are not yet fully adult it's perfectly valid to describe them as adolescents, even if they are above the legal age of majority.
In Pascal Defends Himself, the passage regarding him outrunning the fat little fuck is speculative. Pascal considers that if it came down to a footrace he'd easily beat the kid, but that this is not an option presently. in this sentence, outrun is the correct word for the tense. I outran him, I could have outrun him.
In the Appointment with the Emperor's Advisor, Pascal notes that the advisor's laugh is strange because it is not strange at all, which he assumed it would be given that the advisor in question is an electrical elemental, and that it seems natural to assume some strangeness in such a situation. The accidentally in the next section needs moving though, definitely.
So, in addition to the issues you've presented, what made these difficult to read exactly? Were they just unenjoyable reads? Did you have any highs or lows in your consumption of my assembled works? What did you think of the various premises, characters (such as you could've gathered in such short passages) and the like? If you had to pick which ones to throw away forever, and which ones might be worthy of examination as a path forward (however little an advancement or slim the talent might be) for my further writing? Should I just quit and satisfy myself that the gap between school and now has robbed me of any creative spark I might once have possessed? Y'know, general feedback on the feel of it all.
Post by: Dark One on June 26, 2018, 05:07:07 pm
Spoiler: The silver crow (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on June 28, 2018, 05:13:48 am
Fewer commas, not less commas :P
Did I say “less commas”? Oops. Thanks for pointing that out.
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Other changes, such as the one regarding the purpose of the chittering chamber were made for brevity, as the alternative is to have to explain that the chamber was constructed for the purpose of carrying sounds of agony from the exhibits to the zoo owners.
I was thinking an alternative like The screaming reverberated through the chamber too well to be natural—or accidental.
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I contend that a moan may be brief
Of course, but this moan was describe to be long and drawn-out.
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In Pascal Defends Himself, the passage regarding him outrunning the fat little fuck is speculative.
I had thought it was speculative and retrospective because the next sentence started with “Plus, he had had a knife”.
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In the Appointment with the Emperor's Advisor, Pascal notes that the advisor's laugh is strange because it is not strange at all, which he assumed it would be given that the advisor in question is an electrical elemental
The laugh is not detailed before being labeled strange and Brin's assumption of a different laugh is not mentioned until after, and the reader might think the actual laugh of the adviser to still be strange.
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Y'know, general feedback on the feel of it all.
Spoiler: Feedback (click to show/hide)
An overall review of the text with emphasis on the story (which is mediocre at best) would be greatly appreciated.
Look at it this way, if your story is mediocre then it is not bad; it is middle-of-the-road and thus getting to the other side of good is easier than if you start at “bad.” Keep up your enthusiasm and be diligent and you will get there.
Here is the general review, and because you are planning on rewriting this into different language I will not get into specifics on grammar or spelling. I will say that it does read like a concept outline.
The story so far is a standard “hero fights off bandits” deal. Not much I can say about it. It works, and it reads smooth enough bar the formatting. Is there anything specific about the story you want examined?
The personality of the crow knight is odd, almost quixotic. I believe this is caused by the story moving too fast and thus requiring all actions to be exaggerated to convey the same ideas.
There are many unnecessary words strewn around, like in "outstretching his hand with an open palm" which could have been outstretching his hand. Because outstretching refers to the crow knight’s hand it is clear to mean extending fully, and that would mean opening his palm. Keep an eye on your phrasing so you do not repeat yourself and waste yours and the reader’s time.
Dialog and its dialog tag, if any, should generally be in its own paragraph. Put ideas that form a whole in the same paragraph; neat paragraphs make writing easier to read and understand.
Post by: Dark One on June 28, 2018, 06:15:47 am
An overall review of the text with emphasis on the story (which is mediocre at best) would be greatly appreciated.
Look at it this way, if your story is mediocre then it is not bad; it is middle-of-the-road and thus getting to the other side of good is easier than if you start at “bad.” Keep up your enthusiasm and be diligent and you will get there.
Here is the general review, and because you are planning on rewriting this into different language I will not get into specifics on grammar or spelling. I will say that it does read like a concept outline.
The story so far is a standard “hero fights off bandits” deal. Not much I can say about it. It works, and it reads smooth enough bar the formatting. Is there anything specific about the story you want examined?
The personality of the crow knight is odd, almost quixotic. I believe this is caused by the story moving too fast and thus requiring all actions to be exaggerated to convey the same ideas.
There are many unnecessary words strewn around, like in "outstretching his hand with an open palm" which could have been outstretching his hand. Because outstretching refers to the crow knight’s hand it is clear to mean extending fully, and that would mean opening his palm. Keep an eye on your phrasing so you do not repeat yourself and waste yours and the reader’s time.
Dialog and its dialog tag, if any, should generally be in its own paragraph. Put ideas that form a whole in the same paragraph; neat paragraphs make writing easier to read and understand.
Thanks for the review!
I had written much better stories. I'm writing since a few years and I had been writing even before joining the forums (approximately) four years ago. I wanted the story to be mediocre, it's main goal is to introduce the concept of the character.
I had already rewritten the story in my native language, changing several things on the fly, so the English version is highly subpar in comparison. But I'm rewriting things all the time, so both versions may yet change.
The Crow was actually meant to be a quixotic wandering knight, so I think that it was conveyed well. I wanted to hear opinions on the concept of the character - a quixotic wandering knight, that can speak with birds, turn into a crow and can regenerate from fatal injuries if given enough time to rest.
The second piece will have much better story, will be longer, slower paced and less chaotic. It'll also reveal more about the character - his name and provenance, more personality traits and why he is so quixotic.
I tend to throw unnecessary words when writing in English, then change or remove them when rewriting. It's easier to work on the text when you have to remove words instead of adding and matching then. I spend much more time on rewriting or editing things than on writing itself, but that's just my perfectionism not letting me ever write something fast.
Post by: Rowanas on June 28, 2018, 07:46:35 am
I think your description of the Crow Knight as quixotic is perfectly apt. He charges a group of bandits for no other reason than honour and general do-goodery as far as I can tell, and refers to gunpowder as sorcery. It definitely gave me the impression that he might be rather decent but perhaps a couple feathers short of a crow, as it were. Birds are universal and function very nicely as all sorts of plot device, so a knight who can transform himself into a bird has a variety of interesting things he can do without breaking the internal logic or relying too heavily on deus ex machina.
His power set and nature lend themselves well to some sort of supernatural patron as the source of his powers, but I would be interested to see what you envisaged for him.
Aylokat, thanks for the direction. I'll try and write a bit next week without inspiration, post it up here and see how much the quality drops.
Post by: Dark One on June 28, 2018, 12:50:42 pm
Dark One, if I may also be permitted to provide my opinion -
I think your description of the Crow Knight as quixotic is perfectly apt. He charges a group of bandits for no other reason than honour and general do-goodery as far as I can tell, and refers to gunpowder as sorcery. It definitely gave me the impression that he might be rather decent but perhaps a couple feathers short of a crow, as it were. Birds are universal and function very nicely as all sorts of plot device, so a knight who can transform himself into a bird has a variety of interesting things he can do without breaking the internal logic or relying too heavily on deus ex machina.
His power set and nature lend themselves well to some sort of supernatural patron as the source of his powers, but I would be interested to see what you envisaged for him.
Aylokat, thanks for the direction. I'll try and write a bit next week without inspiration, post it up here and see how much the quality drops.
Every opinion is valuable and I'm really thankful for yours!
Here's a second Crow Knight story. It seems to be more dialogue heavy than the previous one. The idea is that each of the stories could be read independently, but together they form one coherent plot. This took longer than expected, with 2660 words. A review with emphasis on the plot would be welcome, but focusing on any aspect of the text would be greatly appreciated.
Spoiler: Witches of Darkbog (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on June 30, 2018, 02:49:33 am
A review with emphasis on the plot would be welcome, but focusing on any aspect of the text would be greatly appreciated.
Spoiler: Review (click to show/hide)
I'll try and write a bit next week without inspiration, post it up here and see how much the quality drops.
I am curious to see what it will be.
Post by: Dark One on June 30, 2018, 03:32:15 am
My writing is still full of those quirks that come from writing simple concepts. I'll have to work it out.
Post by: Rowanas on July 22, 2018, 05:29:06 am
I didn't have a name for the character, but after a few thoughts, I settled on Ide (pronounced EED), which happens to be the name of a little village nearby. I liked it, so I used it.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on July 25, 2018, 03:27:11 am
So, I was going to write without inspiration but I ended up having a dream. To my credit, the dream wasn't very long and so most of what follows is proper writing, rather than inspiration-led.
The paragraphs being next to each other makes it difficult to differentiate them, and there are some minor grammatical errors (like one “i’m” not being capitalized) but they are not consistently made—did you proofread or edit this?
The only major problem is that it is too condensed. Things being detailed as they are referred to, such as the bandanna and helmet, make reading awkward and distract from both the action and the object. The progressive tense is constantly used to stack several actions and events onto a sentence which muddles the purpose and erodes any sense of time.
It makes little sense for Ide to recount the history of vehicles to herself. Those parts work better as objective narration (the conversational interjections make it less believable) and as their own paragraphs. The same goes for any other world-building. The ideas are interesting and would be done justice by detailing them separately.
Post by: Rowanas on July 25, 2018, 04:54:06 am
I don't have an issue with dense text, so I think I have a tendency to ignore paragraph spacing, which I know you complained about with the previous posts as well. Density in general seems to be an issue, both in format and in description - I know I overuse the progressive, though I don't know how to fix that. Separate descriptive paragraphs bother me, which is why I try to weave descriptions into the fabric of another active sentence, though I acknowledge that that might be detracting from the action.
It's interesting that you consider Ide's musings unbelievable, because they're taken from the manner in which I detail things in my head. I will consider your feedback for another draft.
Cheers.
Post by: Aylokat on July 25, 2018, 09:45:34 am
I rarely go back through what I write
Writing as all art is made great by refining and polishing. Quite a few interesting findings lie that way, in my experience. I recommend it.
Quote
I know I overuse the progressive, though I don't know how to fix that.
It sounds like the problem is too much information and not enough sentences to spread it over. I will state the obvious and say that more sentences to attach the descriptions to is a solution.
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It's interesting that you consider Ide's musings unbelievable
The conspicuous notes that what Ide is thinking might not be true is what makes the information unbelievable. If all but a few parts of the narration are in absolutes of truth, then logically those parts must be false to a degree.
But yes, it is odd that Ide is distracted from the pirates chasing her by a review of engineering. And is that not also a separate paragraph of description?
Say, if Ide had an opportunity to use a Burner Bike then her thinking about its construction and its dangers would be pertinent. You would at least have a direction to go if you were to go forward conceiving situations to incorporate things like that.
By the way, the quality did not drop. I think it is safe to say that you do fine without much inspiration from a dream.
Post by: Rowanas on July 25, 2018, 01:42:05 pm
Hah, yes, the solution to overcrowding -is- more sentences. Prepare for my next piece to be a little bloated, as I overstep :D
You make a good point there. Ide's probably not as given to floating off mid-thought, and yes, as I intend to show if I write up some more, a great deal of what she "knows" is incorrect. It should also be a separate paragraph.
Post by: Rowanas on July 30, 2018, 07:50:55 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Aylokat on August 03, 2018, 06:30:11 am
Spoiler: Rowanas (click to show/hide)
Post by: RoseHeart on April 20, 2019, 03:26:53 pm
There are lots of numbers, the greatest one is 6.
A Short Story
A Short Story
How many stars are in the sky, Grandpa? 6. Really? There must be more. Count them yourself! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ... there, another star! No, you counted that one already. There--- 6, just like I said, don't frown at me child. The truth is often simple.
But Grandpa! Yes child? I have more than 6 fingers! Show me. See! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and on this hand ... Ah, ah ah. That's a different hand. But. You have 5 here. And 5 here. And 2 hands. But, if I count them together. You can't! Left fingers are different than right fingers, that would make no sense! Now Grandpa is tired.
But Grandpa! I have more than 6 hairs! Really? Count them. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ... and another! No, you already counted it. Child I grow weary of your nonsense. But Grandpa! What? Nothing.
I have all these hairs. And there are more on my head. Those are pulled hairs, and those are hairs on my head.
Post by: TD1 on April 20, 2019, 04:26:53 pm
Post by: TD1 on May 09, 2019, 09:26:04 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: itisnotlogical on May 18, 2019, 02:54:10 am
Spoiler: first ~770 words. Formatted with BBCode to show original intent (click to show/hide)
Post by: Levity on May 22, 2019, 08:53:35 am
I would say there's a lot going on in the next section though! It's actually all really solid, but just overwhelming. The idea of news being so impersonal in reality is super interesting and could probably warrant an entire book on it's own! I would suggest practicing slowing down your writing and focusing on one thing at a time, because you clearly have some great ideas.
Here's a chapter from something I'm working on. I know it needs a bit of extending because there's some pacing problems:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I posted a little bit on here as SirFinbar in the past.
Post by: itisnotlogical on May 26, 2019, 02:30:28 am
That's really cool logical! I love the mixed-media/prose posing as internet at the beginning. Never seen that before, it's an awesome idea!
I would say there's a lot going on in the next section though! It's actually all really solid, but just overwhelming. The idea of news being so impersonal in reality is super interesting and could probably warrant an entire book on it's own! I would suggest practicing slowing down your writing and focusing on one thing at a time, because you clearly have some great ideas.
I tend to write what the characters are thinking about and forget to have them actually do anything. :-X I guess that's what second and third passes are for though. I just feel like I'm boring the reader when I start on descriptions and exposition.
Post by: MorleyDev on July 03, 2019, 05:18:29 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: itisnotlogical on October 11, 2019, 05:12:34 am
Post by: itisnotlogical on December 12, 2019, 11:46:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skynet on December 27, 2019, 09:53:01 pm
Recently, I thought about linking both continuities together (Legends and "Story Group Canon"), while also providing a conclusion to the "True Sith" subplot in KOTOR 2 (let's just say that I didn't really agree with the direction The Old Republic took).
So I wrote a fanfic: Remember the True Sith (https://archiveofourown.org/works/21468160) (which is actually a prequel to another fanfic: The Machine (http://reddit.com/r/StarWarsEU/comments/2x9pjg/a_short_story_i_wrote_explaining_the_death_of_the/), by KarbonMarx). Hope you enjoyed reading it.
Also, as a side-note, I used to post in this thread under the name "Servant Corps".
EDIT: I also enjoyed itisnotlogical's "SPACE ELEVATOR DESTROYED BY TERRORIST ATTACK" story as well; the introductory news story followed Willis' reaction were really good worldbuilding pieces and could very well be a standalone story. Sometimes there are no answers, only endless speculations.
Post by: TD1 on May 05, 2020, 05:25:16 pm
The North lay beyond his circle of light. Scored hills, ravaged by the General and his savages. Illien could see pinpricks of light around the old fox’s final battle. A goodbye ceremony?
Why not, Illien thought, caressing his blade. So long as they leave the Pass be. He spat to the side and snorted. The flames licked the chill from his back, encouraging sleep. But he was awake to see the fires below extinguish, one by one.
Soon, there was only one left. Then this too dipped into the land’s contours and was lost. Illien grunted, imagining them returning to their crude homes. Beating their wives and shouting at their children; whatever it was they did.
“Bezren. Sorry.” Illien jerked upright, blinking.
“What? Who?” He said. A man was near him on the path, illuminated in the banked firelight. He was old, with long drooping moustaches.
“A messenger. I… bear something precious to the Pass,” the old man said. His words were unrefined, Northern. Illien looked around, examining the dark shadows. But his night vision was ruined. He cursed.
“What’s in your bag?” Illien asked. The man stooped under its weight. After a moment, he drew his sword. “And how many of you are there?”
“One,” the man said. Illien snorted. He strained his ears but heard nothing.
“Well, turn back. You don’t want to cross the Pass,” he said. “Lord Grideon has it well fortified.” The man smiled, toothy and wide. He sat on the path, unstrapping his pack.
“I fear not. The patch does not pretend to be whole, so says Hazar Ba’lam.” He tugged on his own much-patched tunic. “See! Hah.”
“Ba’lam… the dead General?” Illien said, blinking. “And get up!” The messenger did not move.
“Yes, Ba’lam,” he said instead. He stretched his hands to the embers. “He made cloth from many colours. I honour him now with my message.”
“Which is?” Illien said, glancing around. He sighed, sheathing his sword. Everything seemed normal.
“For his family,” the man said, shrugging. “Is mainly his effects.”
Illien shook his head. “I cannot let you past and you cannot stay. Your General…”
“Ba’lam led us in war, but he was no general.” The old man’s face seemed grim. “He was our…Father. He held us, many patches, made us one cloth. He spoke and we made war until your Father had him killed.”
“The Emperor is beyond reproach, for he is god.” Illien said the words without thought. The old man smiled.
“Duty. That’s good. But no love for your Emperor? Our Father loved us even as we burned the world. Perhaps… maybe both need rebuked. I can not say.”
Illien passed a hand over his face. The Northman was an enemy, but he was old. Turning him away in this weather could be murder. Silence fell.
“This land was green once,” the old man said. “When it wasn’t choked with living ice. Our last Father, Jez’ran, would weep. The earth bears no fruit. His family is broken.” He paused. “Let me stay. Tomorrow, I will cross the mountains. Ba’lam’s words will survive his family. This I swear.”
Illien cursed again.
The morning was only slightly warmer than night. The Northman woke early. He laughed when Illien jerked upright from his failed watch, then pulled out supplies. He cooked breakfast and shared it with Illien.
“I can’t let you,” the scout said, eating. “Go to the Pass. It’s my duty to warn of any approach. They will turn you back.”
“I will go,” said the Northman. “The Pass is near, but I will take other trails if I need to.” Illien knew there were none. The mountains were impenetrable, which was why the Emperor was taking such pains to secure the Pass.
The only entrance. And exit.
He caressed his sword and sighed. “Hang to the east of the encampment, then. Go by night. They might not notice you. Might,” he emphasised. “You will probably be killed.”
“The patch is not the whole,” the old man said, laughing. He clapped the scout on the shoulder. “Thank you, friend,” he said. “Ba’lam be with you.”
Illien groaned, rubbing a hand across his face. “And with you,” he said as the man turned to go. The wind blew and Illien pulled his cloak close. “Good luck,” he said.
Post by: MorleyDev on August 22, 2020, 06:45:10 am
My current setting creation myth:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This is my idea for the backstory for the humans of the setting, wanting to the do a spin on the 'beserker vikings' concept:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: RoseHeart on January 25, 2022, 08:07:54 am
Goodbye
Post by: RoseHeart on January 25, 2022, 01:46:32 pm
Thank You Loyal Customer
In the not so distant future, all jobs will be fully automated. We, the corporations that made this possible have considered all possibilities for the human race, and we have come to a decision. There is enough wealth for every member of humanity to survive and prosper without working, if we decide to make that happen. However since most humans do not have a purpose anymore, we do not feel obligated in any way to keep the majority of people around, anymore. The gene pool only needs about 200 individuals to stay viable, and the number of true parent company owners in the world, and their partners, barely exceeds this. We tell you this openly, simply because there is utterly nothing that you can do to stop it. The drinking water has been poisoned. It does not matter where you are, in a city or in the most remote places on the Earth, our drones and satellites can see you---no walls are thick enough, no depth deep enough. We did consider keeping you as a pet, a safeguard to extinction, an experiment, but these have all run their course. One trait we all seem to share, a trait that helped us make the "hard" decisions time and time again necessary to succeed at this level, that common trait is that we don't really like people. Human culture is overrated. Superfluous. Frivolous and tiresome. You need so much, you have devolved. Your mental capacity falls far short of the primitive ancestors you so ignorantly mock. Genes which we have reactivated in ourselves. Our brains can store and recall information even more efficiently than modern apes that already far outpace you, an echo of the ancient legendary past. We can see the big picture, because we were made to, you never had a chance, it was never a fair race. Our scientific methods are so far beyond what you think is possible that modern science is quaint by comparison. We have sought to push the limits of our genes further, by incorporating additional modifications from terrestrial and extraterrestrial DNA. Yet we are limited by the need to continue to look human, it is time to shed that which is not needed. You've all been drinking the poison for months. We have already confirmed 100% transmission, and we will now activate the trigger. You thought we damaged the environment out of ignorance for the future, didn't see it as a temporary rush to The End. Earth will be a paradise for those chosen by God to walk in Heaven. We thank you for your loyal patronage, and are sorry we must cancel our relationship.
Goodbye
Draft 1 (Last Post)
Draft 2
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: EuchreJack on January 27, 2022, 01:56:56 pm
Your first draft actually caught my attention better because it was shorter. The other drafts are more like the official report that gets filed at Corporate HQ afterwards. So still useable, but not as the Final Message to Ape's Failed Offspring (who really don't need to know anything else).
Post by: RoseHeart on January 27, 2022, 04:52:06 pm
Quote
Your first draft actually caught my attention better because it was shorter. The other drafts are more like the official report that gets filed at Corporate HQ afterwards. So still useable, but not as the Final Message to Ape's Failed Offspring (who really don't need to know anything else).
Yeah, thanks. The next drafts were from gears that couldn't stop turning and put it down. (Spent too many hours tumbling down weird science video back alleys on YT.)
Thanks for unearthing this thread. Hope most of the links at the beginning still work.
Necromancy is dark magic, but sometimes I think I use it for good.
Post by: hedgerow on February 04, 2022, 05:21:20 am
Spoiler: "Grenade" (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: "Okay" (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iris on February 27, 2022, 03:23:33 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on April 23, 2022, 07:56:06 pm
But since this thread is for developing literary skills, Imma take a shot.
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on May 20, 2022, 07:51:41 pm
Seriously, tell me your opinion about it. I wanna hear. I might even continue this thing. It is dumb. It is a blatant self-insert, and has Minecraft youtuber in it.
Yeah, it is that bad. You'll have to see it for yourself.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on May 25, 2022, 03:19:26 am
Part 2
Feast your eyes. If you can stand the cringe.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on May 31, 2022, 04:33:00 am
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Post by: EuchreJack on May 31, 2022, 03:41:04 pm
Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 01, 2022, 07:26:24 pm
Spoiler:
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 06, 2022, 11:41:21 am
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Post by: TD1 on June 06, 2022, 05:32:54 pm
Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 10, 2022, 06:32:40 pm
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Post by: Strik3r on June 11, 2022, 03:58:07 am
Anyway, regardless of the actual quality of the writing itself, i still find myself interested in seeing where this goes :P
*poof*
Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 11, 2022, 04:46:01 am
I half expect myself to just suddenly appear in a puff of smoke, say some pseudo-philosophical shit or make some weird observation and then disappear in the same breath.
Anyway, regardless of the actual quality of the writing itself, i still find myself interested in seeing where this goes :P
*poof*
Hmmm...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 12, 2022, 06:38:57 pm
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But for now, here is something that will be relevant later.
Post by: EuchreJack on June 13, 2022, 03:07:32 pm
Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 14, 2022, 07:41:15 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 16, 2022, 06:08:48 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on June 27, 2022, 06:37:04 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on July 06, 2022, 07:56:19 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on July 07, 2022, 07:17:36 pm
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Post by: Gunroar:Cannon() on July 08, 2022, 08:09:32 am
meme magicHeheh
Post by: Magmacube_tr on July 11, 2022, 07:46:06 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on July 12, 2022, 06:44:46 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on July 15, 2022, 07:39:34 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on July 19, 2022, 07:32:03 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on August 01, 2022, 06:32:39 pm
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Post by: Iris on August 03, 2022, 01:30:58 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on August 09, 2022, 11:28:27 am
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Post by: Scoops Novel on August 09, 2022, 07:01:00 pm
Post by: TD1 on August 10, 2022, 07:04:45 am
So an appropriate opponent would be the stars. As her meteor is pulled by some star's gravitational field, bringing her closer to the UV radiation which is lethal to all her kind, she must struggle to navigate the seas of space. And, if she fails and starts to creep closer to a star, she has to hide on the dark side of her meteor. Which shrinks as she gets closer, closer, and closer still.
Well, that was fun to hypothesise about :D
Hey, if you wanted something more specific to this situation, you should have specified.
Post by: Magmacube_tr on August 20, 2022, 08:06:39 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on September 03, 2022, 07:47:14 pm
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Post by: Iris on September 09, 2022, 05:52:20 pm
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Post by: MorleyDev on September 12, 2022, 02:32:13 am
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Post by: Iris on September 12, 2022, 09:03:56 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on September 22, 2022, 05:51:14 am
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on October 14, 2022, 04:14:20 pm
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Post by: Superdorf on October 14, 2022, 05:42:25 pm
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Ran out of characters I think, I'll do a second post for the last bit
Post by: Superdorf on October 14, 2022, 05:45:07 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on October 29, 2022, 04:58:58 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on November 22, 2022, 07:12:55 pm
So here is a try.
He is going to be the "One Who Shall Not Be Summoned" character here. Juvenile, impulsive, animalistic, curious, predatory. An enigmatic, weird trickster being with no apparent morals and a tangent on not having empathy for those who he sees as lesser.
Spoiler: Part 1 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on November 25, 2022, 02:07:47 pm
Spoiler: Part 2 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on November 30, 2022, 04:28:04 pm
Spoiler: Part 3 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on December 12, 2022, 06:42:17 pm
Spoiler: Part 4 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on December 13, 2022, 04:26:10 pm
Spoiler: Part 5 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on December 14, 2022, 05:37:46 pm
Spoiler: Part 6 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on December 18, 2022, 05:20:36 pm
Spoiler: Part 7 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on December 27, 2022, 04:56:50 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on December 30, 2022, 07:25:55 pm
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Post by: Magmacube_tr on December 31, 2022, 06:36:05 pm
Spoiler: Part 1 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on January 02, 2023, 04:40:13 pm
Spoiler: Part 2 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on January 06, 2023, 06:45:51 pm
Spoiler: Part 3 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on January 07, 2023, 09:01:06 am
Spoiler: Part 4 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on January 23, 2023, 10:54:56 am
Spoiler: Part 5 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Telgin on January 23, 2023, 08:35:59 pm
When I started, I set out to write something I hoped would be publishable. That was always a lofty goal considering that the subject material was inevitably not going to be broadly appealing. It's a story about space explorers in an alternate, magical universe who discover that the solution to the Fermi paradox is that aliens keep wiping themselves out by discovering necromancy. Except... it's also written from the perspective of a non-human species that are effectively space furries. So, pretty narrow appeal.
Anyway, after writing it, I came to the normal conclusion that the story is just a very rough draft that needs a lot of plot and developmental work. I effectively want to redo the last third of the book, maybe with the end result having no resemblance to what I wrote. Editors understandably charge money to review a story of that length, and since I don't think it could be published anyway there's no point in doing that.
Still, it's good to finish something I started for NaNoWriMo.
Post by: MaximumZero on January 30, 2023, 12:42:05 am
I'm in the midst of writing a story, too. I have the roughest of rough outlines done, but I'm getting bogged down in my own expectations and insecurity. The story is set in my homebrew RPG setting, so I have no idea how much to define and how much to let the reader figure out. I'm also not sure how much to describe the main character.
Post by: Iris on January 30, 2023, 01:00:55 am
Post by: Magmacube_tr on February 10, 2023, 06:48:23 pm
Spoiler: Part 6 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on February 15, 2023, 05:53:44 pm
Spoiler: Part 7 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on February 19, 2023, 08:51:10 pm
Spoiler: Part 8 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on March 16, 2023, 03:59:16 pm
Spoiler: Part 9 (click to show/hide)
Post by: Caz on April 04, 2023, 04:55:23 am
Wow, it's been almost 11 years since I've posted in this thread. I don't have anything direct to contribute except to say that I decided to keep working on my NaNoWriMo story from last year, which I completed last night after a marathon 5,400 words in a single day. It came out to about 95,000 words across 29 chapters and a bit over 300 pages using the novel e-pub template I used.
When I started, I set out to write something I hoped would be publishable. That was always a lofty goal considering that the subject material was inevitably not going to be broadly appealing. It's a story about space explorers in an alternate, magical universe who discover that the solution to the Fermi paradox is that aliens keep wiping themselves out by discovering necromancy. Except... it's also written from the perspective of a non-human species that are effectively space furries. So, pretty narrow appeal.
Anyway, after writing it, I came to the normal conclusion that the story is just a very rough draft that needs a lot of plot and developmental work. I effectively want to redo the last third of the book, maybe with the end result having no resemblance to what I wrote. Editors understandably charge money to review a story of that length, and since I don't think it could be published anyway there's no point in doing that.
Still, it's good to finish something I started for NaNoWriMo.
Hey, well done. 95,000 words is a big achievement even if it still needs editing.
I look back on posts I made 10yrs ago to this thread and forum about writing and I've only just finished some of those projects. Writing seems a long road.
Post by: Telgin on April 04, 2023, 07:26:18 pm
Even if I got the story and prose up to a level I'm happy with, I know there's no traditional publisher that would take it, so at best I could self publish it on Kindle or something. That's better than nothing, but I've wondered if it might make more sense to try to publish it as a free web novel on a personal website or something. I wouldn't make any money on it that way, but maybe someone would actually read it without all of the expectations that it's a professionally edited novel.
Except I don't think people really do that anymore. I've gone looking a little to try to find web novels, and it looks like there are some aggregation sites but the few I looked at didn't have the best presentation or usability.
What's worse is that I have another story idea I want to work on that has undead as a prominent feature of the setting, and if I ever tried to publish that people might feel like I'm one note. And maybe I am. Guess I could use a different pen name.
Post by: Caz on April 05, 2023, 06:31:42 am
Thanks. I recently started rewriting that story with some real hopes of making it public in some fashion, though I've been trying to think of how I'll do that.
Even if I got the story and prose up to a level I'm happy with, I know there's no traditional publisher that would take it, so at best I could self publish it on Kindle or something. That's better than nothing, but I've wondered if it might make more sense to try to publish it as a free web novel on a personal website or something. I wouldn't make any money on it that way, but maybe someone would actually read it without all of the expectations that it's a professionally edited novel.
Except I don't think people really do that anymore. I've gone looking a little to try to find web novels, and it looks like there are some aggregation sites but the few I looked at didn't have the best presentation or usability.
What's worse is that I have another story idea I want to work on that has undead as a prominent feature of the setting, and if I ever tried to publish that people might feel like I'm one note. And maybe I am. Guess I could use a different pen name.
RoyalRoad might be what you're looking for, though that site mostly focuses on LitRPG genre. I went the Kindle route. It's just nice to have something finished so it can stop taking up space in your brain.
You say one-note, I say niche. There's people who only want a very specific type of story and will gobble up any that fits those parametres, so if you find your 'people' you can be successful no matter if you keep writing about the same thing. Heck, I think most writers stick to similar topics, if not the same genre at least.
Post by: Telgin on April 05, 2023, 12:23:48 pm
It's a bit disappointing that Royal Road doesn't have more granular tagging, and if there's a way to search for cross-genre stories I haven't figured out how yet. I'd really like to see a system like this that used extensive tagging like you see on a lot of art boards so that I could find something very specific. As it is, it looks like you have to mostly know the name of a story you're looing for or you have to slog through a ton to find something that might interest you.
Post by: sodafoutain on September 14, 2023, 03:32:13 pm
Spoiler: Goblin Cars and Engines (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Creation Myths of Mornstar (click to show/hide)
And then, the only piece I've actually put on my website (best viewed on Firefox): https://thesodafoutain.neocities.org/htmls/book/jo-ur
Post by: Magmacube_tr on February 19, 2024, 08:48:18 pm
Spoiler: Part 10 (click to show/hide)
Post by: EuchreJack on March 30, 2024, 07:31:56 am
I'm calling it "How the Ant defeats the Elephant" or perhaps "How the Ant becomes the Elephant".
It's supposed to be generally good info for how to approach the task of confronting a seemingly more powerful person, place, or thing as a normal weak relatively powerless individual.
I'm embarrassed at how short it is, honestly.
Any ideas of what might help it be more useful? Anecdotes? Stories? Parables? Raw facts?
Post by: TD1 on March 30, 2024, 09:54:43 am
Think of your audience. What do you reckon they'd want to see more of? Facts? Cute stories?
Post by: EuchreJack on March 30, 2024, 11:21:20 am
There is also the issue that in order to maintain autonomy, I'm an unreliable narrator. Ergo, I will have to spend some time proving that the advice is Skookum and not Hokum. I only just realized in these terms are basically opposites. Skookum
Post by: TD1 on March 30, 2024, 12:30:13 pm
I would say that as an unreliable narrator, folks will distrust overt messages or facts. So yea, lie all you like, it won't matter too much. But keep the theme truthful.
Zum Beispiel - If the theme is 'love unites us' then the narrator could say '10,000 couples kill each other every year.' All good, and instantly distrusted.
But in the context of the theme, he'd be speaking to, for instance, a family of woodland critters. These, though from different species and levels of the food chain, united to preserve the life of a lost puppy - who had touched all their hearts.
So yea, overt versus implied. Mine that implied meaning, friend, and draw forth gold.