This isn't really a sad, I'm just constantly flustered from the thoughts I'm forced to think all the time. I feel like I'm retreating into myself more than I usually do, if only because I'm more and more feeling that all non-meaningful interaction is just pathetic attention-seeking behavior. Someone commented that I seem really shy, and I didn't give them a reason why (trying to write down my thoughts is hard enough, trying to verbalize them is actually impossible) but I wanted to say something along the lines of "But what else could have been done? Was there any other way to behave in the situation that gave you that impression?". I drove home feeling that everyone's behavior and all culture was decided by lawmakers and bean counters decades, maybe centuries ago, to create a world that is rational and controlled by rules, so everyone's thinking is similarly ordained by tightly defined rules, such that I don't even know that the kind of spontaneity that in my mind would constitute "non-shy" behavior can actually exist. Or maybe it's just me, and the experience of being someone else looking into my own eyes gives the impression that I'm always reflecting inward and I don't want to talk to the rest of the world, giving me a very shy and small presence. I just don't know.