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[Loud Whispers]

Dear Urist,


Got 'em all here.

Sincerly, the military of the fortress.

On break

~Military

[ZzarkLinux]

Dear zombies in my garbage bin,

I didn't realize that there were so many of you in there that the trash crusher would break.
Sorry 'bout that.

We will paint a red X on your door so that you can be released whenever RabbitHut's first seige arrives.

Thanks for your patience.

RabbitHut overseer.

[a_mist_wolf]

Dear Urist McArmorer,

When you told me that the new breastplate designs would require three metal bars now, I thought that seemed reasonable. But then I started watching your colleagues work. Your friend, Urist McBlacksmith? He can block off a tunnel big enough for a dragon to walk through with a single bar. Not just block it off, a solid wall. Waterproof and everything.

So I thought all the metal you are using must make our militiadwarves damn near invincible. I mean, what, a dozen bars in a dwarf-sized suit? Then I thought back to our last skirmish with the neighbors. One more than one occasion, dwarves wearing your armor were dismembered by goblins attacking with whips.

There's no nice way to say this. You suck at your job.

Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord.

[WillowLuman]

Dear invisible overlord,

I'm sorry to contradict you, sir, but "whip" is the actually the goblin word for "lightsaber." That is why my armor didn't stop them. I just want you to know that I am a very good armor maker, and it's not my fault if it encounters something extreme.

-Urist McArmorer.

[Greiger]

Spoiler: ninjas (click to show/hide)

To invisible overlord.

You ever get down here real close and study one of these walls?  The bookeepers always say it's a cube for the paperworks sake, but to make those walls they just hammer it really really really thin.  It looks solid enough with just a glance over, nobody ever really notices it's only a few nanometers thick so the gobbos never bother to try knocking it down.

Besides you ever see one of those goblins with a whip?  They are like bloody lightsabers, they impart so much blunt force on such a small point yer going to need candy to have even a hope of resisting that.  Me armor is only as good as the metal it's made out of mate.  Get me some metal capable of taking a velocity multiplier five times that of a shortsword on a point a 50th of a shortsword's blade tip and I might be able to do something for ye.

Urist McArmorer

[Corai]

Spoiler: ninjas (click to show/hide)

To invisible overlord.

You ever get down here real close and study one of these walls?  The bookeepers always say it's a cube for the paperworks sake, but to make those walls they just hammer it really really really thin.  It looks solid enough with just a glance over, nobody ever really notices it's only a few nanometers thick so the gobbos never bother to try knocking it down.

Besides you ever see one of those goblins with a whip?  They are like bloody lightsabers, they impart so much blunt force on such a small point yer going to need candy to have even a hope of resisting that.  Me armor is only as good as the metal it's made out of mate.  Get me some metal capable of taking a velocity multiplier five times that of a shortsword on a point a 50th of a shortsword's blade tip and I might be able to do something for ye.

Urist McArmorer

Incorrect, Candy would be WORTHLESS against maces, hammers, flails, and whips as candy has no defense against blunt.

Sincerly, a newb at modding.

[Greiger]

It should spread the impact over the size of the armor though shouldn't it?   Sure there's no padding, but the impact zone isn't the size of a pinprick anymore on the flesh underneath if the strike can't penetrate the metal.   Unless I misunderstood how armor works against blunt strikes of course, which is entirely possible.

[WillowLuman]

Wiki says that nothing defends better than adamantine, though some things (like projectiles) will still puncture it.

[a_mist_wolf]

To invisible overlord.

You ever get down here real close and study one of these walls?  The bookeepers always say it's a cube for the paperworks sake, but to make those walls they just hammer it really really really thin.  It looks solid enough with just a glance over, nobody ever really notices it's only a few nanometers thick so the gobbos never bother to try knocking it down.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Besides you ever see one of those goblins with a whip?  They are like bloody lightsabers, they impart so much blunt force on such a small point yer going to need candy to have even a hope of resisting that.  Me armor is only as good as the metal it's made out of mate.  Get me some metal capable of taking a velocity multiplier five times that of a shortsword on a point a 50th of a shortsword's blade tip and I might be able to do something for ye.

Urist McArmorer

Dear Urist McArmorer,

Are those thin walls somehow managing to fool the volcano? Because iron walls and floodgates are currently holding back a few million Urists of magma that would otherwise be flooding your forges. Maybe the walls are thin, but they stop flying boulders, ballista bolts, giants, collossi, and the aforementioned dragons. Urist McBlacksmith can be making them out of tin foil for all I care, he gets results.

And it's not just the whips, poor Urist McMarksdwarf was crippled by a kobold with a dagger while wearing steel chain. Made by you.

One more thing... Yet another axedwarf is yelling at the mayor right now about being "embarrassed to be uncovered lately." He is wearing, among other things, a steel breastplate, a steel mail shirt, steel mail leggings, steel greaves, steel boots, steel gauntlets, and a steel cap and steel helm. I shouldn't have to ask you if you are making crotchless armor!

Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord

[Corai]

Dear military,


When I send you to kill ravenmen that are murdering a citizen, I expect you to SAVE him. Not kill one and walk off.



Dear Splint,


I apologize for your broken every-limb, profusing bleeding, and death.

Love, your overseer.

[a_mist_wolf]

Dear Urist McHauler,

I saw you single-handedly moving a caged rhinoceros up six flights of stairs a while back, so you may understand how bewildered and disappointed I am now to see you making two trips to bring in a pair of socks.

Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord.

[hops]

Dear Urist McHauler

Enjoy the rotten meats. That's all I have to say on the matter.

Love, with overseer.

[Wyrmnax]

Welcome Immigrants!

Please, leave your children at the goblin care center before you join. Thank you.

[WaffleEggnog]

Dear elves

Screw you you tree-humping grass-mollesting plant-raping people-eating smelly hippies

Sincierly, some guy who REALLY hates elves

[Loud Whispers]

Dear Fortress,
I understand you miss shooting Asmel, but that's no excuse to start shooting the were-opossum.
At this point, I'm starting to think you're just bored from the lack of goblins.
I'd say stop it, but then you'd probably start shooting each other instead.
As you were.
~Overseer
_{I will not be held accountable if zombies make it into the central hive. Or if the moose pit zombies are released. Just remember, I do hold the Armageddon lever.}