Post by: Descan on November 18, 2012, 07:44:02 pm
Terrible jokes. Any you got, anything that makes you cringe. I mean, I GUESS you can put good jokes here. But come on, is there really such a thing? They're really all terrible, in their own way. :3
Here's one I thought up two years ago:
Quote
Why are there no jokes about Jonestown?
Because the punch line is too long.
EDIT: The only rule here is if something offends you enough to want it gone, PM the person posting it and ask that they remove it. It's up to you two to sort it out, but keep it out of the thread. I don't want every few pages to turn into a dick-measuring contest of bystanders trying to one-up each other of how offended or not offended they can get, as if it were a vote or public debate and the majority decides whether it gets removed or not.
Post by: Heron TSG on November 18, 2012, 07:48:44 pm
(In... tents. Get it?)
Post by: Ultimuh on November 18, 2012, 07:51:06 pm
Altough I cannot think of any right now.
So consider this a PTW.
Post by: Urist Imiknorris on November 18, 2012, 07:53:20 pm
Post by: Creaca on November 18, 2012, 07:57:10 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on November 18, 2012, 08:01:24 pm
I was reading this book on anti-gravity.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
-5 points, I legitimately laughed.
Post by: Zrk2 on November 18, 2012, 08:03:03 pm
Here's one that's historical instead;
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
I'm so sorry...
Post by: Flying Dice on November 18, 2012, 08:09:36 pm
Post by: Korbac on November 18, 2012, 08:25:00 pm
I SAW THAT
Post by: Aklyon on November 18, 2012, 08:26:31 pm
I DIDN'T
Post by: Flying Dice on November 18, 2012, 08:38:01 pm
Post by: kaijyuu on November 18, 2012, 08:38:56 pm
Post by: Pnx on November 18, 2012, 08:41:51 pm
So a young couple have died and gone to heaven, and at the gates they meet saint Peter. He says, "Welcome to heaven, we've been expecting you, now before we let you up, is there anything we can do for you?"
The couple look at each other, and one of them asks, "Well one thing we always wanted to do but didn't get a chance to before we died, was to get married, could we get married before we go in?"
Saint Peter scratches his beard and says, "Well, we can, though it'll take a while to set things up, if you really want to do it, then you can wait here while I send an angel to sort it out. Just keep in mind that there's no "'til death do you part" business up here, it's forever."
The couple says they're alright with that, and ask him to do it. So Saint Peter trumpets up an angel, and sends him through the gates with directions to find a priest willing to marry them... They wait... and wait... and wait... and finally after two weeks the angle comes back with a smiling priest in stow. Saint Peter claps his hands and says, "Right then, are you ready to get married then?"
Now the couple had actually been getting a bit nervous about all of this while they were waiting, and so one of them asks, to try to set his mind at ease, "Well... we were wondering, since you said it's forever up here, if things didn't work out, would it really be forever? Could we get a divorce?"
Saint Peter is about to respond when the angel throws a hissy fit and says, "NO! Just NO! Look, you saw how long it took me to find a priest in there, do you have any idea how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
(sorry Truean, you knew there had to be one in here somewhere)
Post by: misko27 on November 18, 2012, 08:50:01 pm
I know a few halfway decent terrible jokes. Here's a somewhat christian viewpoint one for you:This joke is hilarious, no Points for you!
So a young couple have died and gone to heaven, and at the gates they meet saint Peter. He says, "Welcome to heaven, we've been expecting you, now before we let you up, is there anything we can do for you?"
The couple look at each other, and one of them asks, "Well one thing we always wanted to do but didn't get a chance to before we died, was to get married, could we get married before we go in?"
Saint Peter scratches his beard and says, "Well, we can, though it'll take a while to set things up, if you really want to do it, then you can wait here while I send an angel to sort it out. Just keep in mind that there's no "'til death do you part" business up here, it's forever."
The couple says they're alright with that, and ask him to do it. So Saint Peter trumpets up an angel, and sends him through the gates with directions to find a priest willing to marry them... They wait... and wait... and wait... and finally after two weeks the angle comes back with a smiling priest in stow. Saint Peter claps his hands and says, "Right then, are you ready to get married then?"
Now the couple had actually been getting a bit nervous about all of this while they were waiting, and so one of them asks, to try to set his mind at ease, "Well... we were wondering, since you said it's forever up here, if things didn't work out, would it really be forever? Could we get a divorce?"
Saint Peter is about to respond when the angel throws a hissy fit and says, "NO! Just NO! Look, you saw how long it took me to find a priest in there, do you have any idea how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
(sorry Truean, you knew there had to be one in here somewhere)
On that note, Old Communist Joke. In the 1970s, there was a rising and powerful Communist official, who wanted to show his aged mother how well he had done for himself. He showed her his nice modern house, but she said nothing. Then, he showed her his western car, a Ferrari, but still she said nothing. Finally, he toured her around the house, showing her his high standard of living, and STILL she said nothing. Finally, he cried out "Mother, what do you think of my house?!?" she said "It is very good Simon! But what will you do if the Communists come back?".
Post by: Ultimuh on November 18, 2012, 08:50:44 pm
Sleep is for the week. It's currently the weekend.
Wait.. what? You got monday off?
Lucky son of a hamster!
Post by: Korbac on November 18, 2012, 08:53:24 pm
That was probably one of the tamest ones I could come up with, too.
Eh, I personally didn't think using a nun / cheeseroll punchline was that offensive. :P
Post by: Zrk2 on November 18, 2012, 09:01:19 pm
On that note, Old Communist Joke. In the 1970s, there was a rising and powerful Communist official, who wanted to show his aged mother how well he had done for himself. He showed her his nice modern house, but she said nothing. Then, he showed her his western car, a Ferrari, but still she said nothing. Finally, he toured her around the house, showing her his high standard of living, and STILL she said nothing. Finally, he cried out "Mother, what do you think of my house?!?" she said "It is very good Simon! But what will you do if the Communists come back?".
That's actually a god joke. I award you no points.
Post by: Korbac on November 18, 2012, 09:07:35 pm
Post by: GreatJustice on November 18, 2012, 09:10:18 pm
Who's limericks ended on line two
...
There was a woman from Verdun
...
What did the newspaper headlines say when the dinosaur crashed his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
...
A Soviet man is standing in line waiting for some bread. Tired of the incredibly slow movement of the line, he begins loudly complaining about the system and the government.
Two plainclothes KGB agents come over and take him aside. "Listen comrade," they say, "in the old days we would have killed you immediately, but under Glasnost and Perestroika we must give you a warning. Please stop disrupting the line and go home."
The man dutifully returns home to his wife. "Why don't you have any bread!?" she asks. "It's terrible!" says the man. "The country has fallen apart; not only is there no food left, they have no bullets left either!"
Post by: TheBronzePickle on November 18, 2012, 09:12:01 pm
A man was driving down the highway when he noticed a billboard advertising the 'Sisters of Saint Francis Brothel'. He tried to ignore it, but he found himself curious and was soon on the exit ramp, looking for the building. He soon found himself in front of what looked like a repurposed church marked with another sign.
He walks in the front door to find himself in front of a nun. "How may I help you?" she asks.
"I'd like to try some of your services."
The nun nods and points to another down by the altar. "Sister Susan will show you the way."
The man nods and heads to the altar, where Sister Susan is holding a basket. "One hundred dollars, please."
The man puts the money in the basket and the sister leads him to a door. He opens the door and the sister pushes him outside and closes it, locking him out. On the door is a sign that says "You have been screwed by the Sisters of Saint Francis. Now go to Hell, you dirty sinner!"
Post by: Flying Dice on November 18, 2012, 09:14:40 pm
That was probably one of the tamest ones I could come up with, too.
Eh, I personally didn't think using a nun / cheeseroll punchline was that offensive. :P
Like I said. A lot of the stuff I could come up with would get me banned. Including a very minor variation on what I posted. :P
A man rushes into a florist's shop, desperately cradling a bundle of dying flowers. He asks the clerk to help him. The clerk replies by explaining that nothing can be done; they aren't equipped for invasive work.
Post by: kaenneth on November 18, 2012, 09:27:38 pm
edit: Left the reply window open too long, was reading the whole article on Jonestone; saw that joke on 4chan earlier today...
Post by: Heron TSG on November 18, 2012, 09:31:37 pm
How much do pirates pay for corn?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: kaenneth on November 18, 2012, 09:53:23 pm
"I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor."
Post by: Creaca on November 18, 2012, 09:53:28 pm
The first man remarks "Jesus, your bread is delicious, what kind of bread is it?"
Jesus gives a sage nod, and calmly replies, "That bread is made from my flesh, for all the hungry to eat."
The second disciple, helping himself to a goblet exclaims, "Jesus, this wine is beyond description, what vineyard is it from?!"
Jesus gives a small smile, and again proclaims, "That wine is made from my blood, for all the thirsty to drink."
The third disciple, having gorged himself the most of the group chokes out a reply through a mouthful, "Guys, you think that craps is good, wait until you try these Eclairs! The filling is orgasmic!"
Post by: Starver on November 18, 2012, 10:02:44 pm
A woman went into a shop and saw that there was nothing for sale. Frustrated, she started berating the shop-keeeper... "I came in here last week, and you had no meat! I came in here four days ago and you still had no meat! I came in here two days and, yet again, you had no meat! I come in today and, surprise surprise, you have no meat!"
"But madam", replied the shopkeeper, "We are the shop that has no bread. The shop with no meat is next door!"
And now one with a pun (hover over if you need it explaining)
Q: There are several cats on a sloping roof. Which one falls off first?
A: The one with the lowest mew...
Post by: Zrk2 on November 18, 2012, 10:13:57 pm
Post by: Starver on November 18, 2012, 10:15:46 pm
Post by: Zrk2 on November 18, 2012, 10:19:58 pm
Gales of laughter?
The rest of my night has been rained out.
Post by: SirAaronIII on November 18, 2012, 11:00:57 pm
Post by: Luke_Prowler on November 18, 2012, 11:17:04 pm
Anyway did you hear the one about the ceiling fan?
It might be over your head.
Post by: Flying Dice on November 18, 2012, 11:28:01 pm
Oh man, I have a few dead baby ones. Are those appropriate? I'm not sure if they'd be appropriate.
I took the title to mean that definition of terrible, so one would think so, short of being warn/banworthy. Which dead babies obviously aren't. *cough*childcarethread*cough*
Post by: misko27 on November 18, 2012, 11:51:44 pm
And the anti-elven racism, and the eugenics, and the genocide, and the other various others, I'd say a few dead babies wouldn't bother him much.Oh man, I have a few dead baby ones. Are those appropriate? I'm not sure if they'd be appropriate.
I took the title to mean that definition of terrible, so one would think so, short of being warn/banworthy. Which dead babies obviously aren't. *cough*childcarethread*cough*
Post by: SirAaronIII on November 19, 2012, 12:10:18 am
What's the difference between a dead baby and a car?
I don't have a car in my garage.
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.
..actually, looking back, they aren't as funny as I remembered
Post by: Flying Dice on November 19, 2012, 12:15:33 am
How many dead babies can you attach to a tree?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Heron TSG on November 19, 2012, 01:07:04 am
Post by: Strife26 on November 19, 2012, 01:31:25 am
Honestly, I don't have any good terrible jokes.
Post by: Andrew425 on November 19, 2012, 01:38:26 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Remalle on November 19, 2012, 01:42:05 am
What's brown and sticky?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's blue and smells like blue paint?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mech#4 on November 19, 2012, 01:42:59 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a man with a bird on his head?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What does an old person ask for when they go to a restaurant?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 19, 2012, 01:45:42 am
All my truly terrible jokes are generally racist (thanks, family!).This has offended me and I will be speaking with my solicitor in the morning.
Here's one that's historical instead;
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
I'm so sorry...
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a man with newspaper in his underpants?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Knight of Fools on November 19, 2012, 01:51:39 am
...when he's in the water?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...when he's in front of your door?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...when he's in your barbeque?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bauglir on November 19, 2012, 02:04:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Too evil?
Post by: Pnx on November 19, 2012, 02:05:23 am
A Chinese man, a Japanese man, a Cambodian, a Burmese man, a Malyasian man, and a Singaporian, all try to walk into a bar, but they're stopped by the bouncer who says, "I'm sorry guys but I can't let you in without a Thai."
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 19, 2012, 02:07:29 am
A Tachyon walks into a bar.
Post by: Mech#4 on November 19, 2012, 02:10:58 am
Post by: Knight of Fools on November 19, 2012, 02:48:56 am
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 19, 2012, 02:57:30 am
Post by: Remalle on November 19, 2012, 02:58:13 am
Heisenberg replies "No, but now that you've pulled me over I know exactly where I am!"
Post by: RedWarrior0 on November 19, 2012, 03:02:22 am
Post by: Pnx on November 19, 2012, 03:34:21 am
So a an Irish teenager goes to church and makes a confession to the priest.
"Father," he says, "forgive me father for I have sinned in the most horrible way."
"Well son, tell me all about it and we'll see what we can do."
"Well father," says the teenager, "me and this... young girl in town who I promised I wouldn't tell who she was, we got together and we did some things that are only done between married couples."
The father is shocked by this, "Really?!? I can't believe it... surely this girl, it wasn't Nelli, just at the bottom of the street."
"Father, I really can't tell you who it was, I'm sorry."
"I understand... I understand... but surely," the priest continues, "it wasn't Caity the bakers daughter, she always seemed so open to temptation."
"Father, please... I can't tell you." The teenager says.
"It wasn't Samantha who just moved into the house on the hill was it? She seemed like such a nice girl..."
"Father, I've said this three times now, I can't tell you who it was." The teenager says.
"It's alright, I understand," the priest says, "I'm sure this girl will come forward on her own. In the meantime, I'm afraid I'm going to have to excommunicate you for three weeks while you think about what you've done wrong."
"It's a harsh punishment father, but a fair one."
The teenager leaves the church and meets two of his friends outside. "Well, how'd it go?" they ask him.
"Well..." the teenager says thoughtfully, "I don't have to go to church for three weeks, and I got us three leads."
----
Oh, and since you guys seem to want truly horrible jokes, have this one I just remembered.
Why do so few sailors know how to read?
Because when they try to learn their alphabet, they spend months stuck at C.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 19, 2012, 04:10:46 am
Does the really, really long one about the man dying in the desert who then meets the snake count?That's not a joke, that's an essay :P
Post by: Neyvn on November 19, 2012, 04:33:33 am
It has a Terrible Taste and not even Children like it...
Post by: Mech#4 on November 19, 2012, 04:39:59 am
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 19, 2012, 05:05:37 am
Ethernet (n): Device used to catch the etherbunny
Bad command. Bad! Bad command! Sit! Siiit...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Southern DOS: "Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)"
SENILITY.EXE has crashed, out of memory error.
Computer (n): A machine designed to speed up and automate errors.
Press any key to continue. Wait no! Not that one!!
I'll stop these now :P
Post by: 612DwarfAvenue on November 19, 2012, 06:48:22 am
How about some terrible computer jokes?
Ethernet (n): Device used to catch the etherbunny
Bad command. Bad! Bad command! Sit! Siiit...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Southern DOS: "Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)"
SENILITY.EXE has crashed, out of memory error.
Computer (n): A machine designed to speed up and automate errors.
Press any key to continue. Wait no! Not that one!!
I'll stop these now :P
C:/DOS
C:/DOS/RUN
RUN/DOS/RUN
Post by: Starver on November 19, 2012, 08:17:55 am
So Heisenberg is driving down the road one day, right? A police officer pulls him over and asks him "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies "No, but now that you've pulled me over I know exactly where I am!"
(Alternately a version, that when he gets told how fast he was going, he now has to ask where on earth he is...)
Schrödinger's wife berates her husband: "I don't know what you've been doing to the cat, but it looks half dead!"
The electrician stumbles in after a long session. The wife asks "Wire you insulate?" and he grumbles "Watt an ohm!"
A man wants some exotic pets so he goes to an exotic-pet store and (after some irrelevant banter) settles on snakes, taking a male and a female thinking he might try to breed them.
After a while of still no little teeny non-existent taps of teeny little non-existent feet, he goes back to the store and asks the owner what he's doing wrong. "Ahah!" he said, "That's easy! Cut down a tree, cut slices from the trunk, make little legs to prop them up in the air a bit and put those in their terrarium."
The man does this, and soon ends up rewarded with a whole mass of slithering offspring. Delighted he goes back to the shop to let the owner know it worked. "But how?" he asks.
"Those snakes you got," explains the owner, "were adders. And adders need log tables to multiply..."
C++ is just the same as C. What I want to use is ++C!
(And now a risqué one...)
Q: How many <insert racial/professional/stereotypical group here>s can you fit in a <make of small car>?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, and maybe room for a small child.
(This might not survive transition overseas.)
So... I went into the fish'n'chip shop and asked for cod and chips twice. The guy behind the counter told me he'd heard me the first time.
Post by: Max White on November 19, 2012, 08:46:47 am
Post by: Draxis on November 19, 2012, 08:47:39 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A priest, an engineer, and a duck walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do elephants hide in cherry trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do the elephants get into the trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do they get out of the trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What did Charles de Gaulle say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What did he say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Once, when we were at a Chinese restaurant, Bill Gosper wanted to know whether someone would like to share with him a two-person-sized bowl of soup. His inquiry was: “Split-p soup?”
Post by: Darvi on November 19, 2012, 09:00:52 am
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on November 19, 2012, 09:03:17 am
How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One to screw it in, three to say how better they could have done it
Post by: Cthulhu on November 19, 2012, 09:15:44 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
------
The President of the United States is George W. Bush (That's not the joke). He's sitting at his desk when an advisor bursts in, shouting "Mr. President! Foreign terrorists have hijacked planes and flown them into multiple important structures! Thousands are dead!" The President is momentarily taken aback, but steels himself. As the Father of the Nation, he must not falter. He says "Schedule a press conference, the people need their leader right now." The advisor nods.
Moments later, a second advisor bursts in, "Mr. President! A massive hurricane has struck Louisiana, New Orleans is all but leveled!" Bush seems a little disheveled this time, but he regains his composure and says "Divert all available resources to the relief effort, we will not abandon our countrymen in their time of need."
A third advisor bursts in. "Mr. President! The housing bubble has burst and banks are crippled with billions in toxic assets! They're calling it the next great depression!" The stress is too much for poor Mr. Bush, with a low gurgle, he melts into a pool on the floor. The advisors stand around, not sure how to react.
"This just won't do, I already scheduled a press conference!" The first exclaims.
The second thinks about it, "I have an idea! Let's create a Bush-shaped mold and pour him into it, then leave it in the freezer until the conference. Maybe he'll turn back to normal!"
The third shakes his head. "I don't know about that... We might set a President."
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 19, 2012, 09:20:52 am
Post by: Aptus on November 19, 2012, 10:21:56 am
Why is the processor so ridiculous? It was designed in Xilinx.
What do you call a bow that fires bows which fires bows? A recursive bow.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who do not. -> How can there be -2 kinds of people in the world!?
for(int x = 0; x>-1; x++){ System.out.println("Let me reiterate!");}
When writing feministic code, it is hard to follow the OOP.
For BBQ's I prefer 3735928559.
drinkAnotherBeer(){
drinkAnotherBeer();}
Stack overflow?
Post by: Heron TSG on November 19, 2012, 12:42:04 pm
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who do not. -> How can there be -2 kinds of people in the world!?With 2's compliment signing, there can in fact be -1. I believe the root of the answer is imagination.
Post by: MonkeyHead on November 19, 2012, 12:47:23 pm
For example: http://www.conjunctivitus.co.uk/ - A site for sore eyes. (http://www.conjunctivitus.co.uk/)
Post by: Aptus on November 19, 2012, 01:00:46 pm
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who do not. -> How can there be -2 kinds of people in the world!?With 2's compliment signing, there can in fact be -1. I believe the root of the answer is imagination.
10 by two-complement is: 01 + 01 = 10. So 10 is -2 for signed two-bit binary. If you wanted to represent -1 you would have to write 11. 11 = 00 + 01 = -1.
Post by: Heron TSG on November 19, 2012, 01:01:35 pm
Post by: Remalle on November 19, 2012, 02:11:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: RedWarrior0 on November 19, 2012, 02:12:25 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on November 19, 2012, 02:27:51 pm
You know, these jokes used to be funnier.
Post by: Flying Dice on November 19, 2012, 03:07:16 pm
How many deckhands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on November 19, 2012, 03:18:35 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: MonkeyHead on November 19, 2012, 03:20:01 pm
Two. One to hold the lightbulb, one to rotate the reference frame of the universe with respect to the lightbulb.
Post by: dei on November 19, 2012, 05:43:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do you get the baby back out?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...You said terrible jokes, I gave you some.
Post by: Helgoland on November 19, 2012, 05:45:46 pm
Anatomically just what you'd want.
No part of her body
Was large or shaped oddly
To say elsewise would be an affront.
Post by: Trapezohedron on November 19, 2012, 06:30:00 pm
The father is concerned about his son going home late and decides to confront him about it.
"Son, why did you come home late?"
"Dad, it isn't late yet."
*SLAP*
"Son, you came home very late this night! What were you doing?"
"Watching a movie, dad."
"What kind of movie?"
"A comedy movie, dad."
*SLAP*
"Son, you really have to tell me the truth. What did you watch...?"
"...pornographic movie, dad."
...
"SON, IN MY DAY, I NEVER KNEW WHAT A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE WAS, LET ALONE WATCH IT!"
*SLAP*
The mother enters the scene.
"Stop it! What are you doing? What is this madness? Look at your son!"
*SLAP*
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Heron TSG on November 19, 2012, 06:35:17 pm
Post by: Flying Dice on November 19, 2012, 06:41:00 pm
I don't get it. Who is being slapped each time?Son, son, father, mother.
Post by: UltraValican on November 19, 2012, 07:15:36 pm
Why is cold air jealous or hot air?
Hot air moves up in the world.
What is a snail's signature basketball technique
A slime dunk.
Three Space Marines walk into a bar
There was no counter.
Here's a long one.
There once was a famous musician, he was about to perform in his last concert. The concert went well, but as he walked off stage, the manger told him: You're not retiring yet, we have a contract!
Saddened, the musician goes to bed. The next morning he reached into his gun cabinet and pulls out an AK, he then goes to his next concert and shoots into the audience.
He was tried and pleaded guilty. His sentence was death by electric chair. He requested his last meal be a single banana. He survived the chair
When he exited the building, his manager said, "We still have a contract".
The next day he threw a grenade into the audience.
He was tried and sentenced to death by electric chair,again ,he requested a single banana as his last meal. This time, they diverted power from the whole city. He survived.
"Glad to see ya babe, we still have a contract."
The next day he set a torch to the whole theater, and the fire burned down a local church and orphanage. Thousands were killed.
He was sentenced to death, he requested a banana as his last meal for a third time. This time they diverted power from the whole country. He still survived.
When he left the building, he was surrounded by news crews. A reporter asks him, "How do you do it!"
The musician replies
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Skyrunner on November 20, 2012, 11:07:59 pm
Dx xD ._.
(In other words. PTW!)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 20, 2012, 11:10:58 pm
I CUT HIS EYES OUT.
Post by: misko27 on November 20, 2012, 11:26:19 pm
Why couldn't the man see when he woke up, when five minutes earlier, he could see just fine?Replace "man" with "elf' and it'd be a decent dwarven joke.
I CUT HIS EYES OUT.
Post by: Detonate on November 20, 2012, 11:46:08 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 20, 2012, 11:47:46 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ed boy on November 21, 2012, 01:02:37 am
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Post by: Aptus on November 21, 2012, 03:02:07 am
Noone knows, they're too busy getting it to run doom.
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 21, 2012, 03:14:01 am
Why didn't the butterfly have straight A's?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Korbac on November 21, 2012, 03:39:43 am
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 21, 2012, 05:00:34 am
One turns to the other and says "Tou know how to drive this thing?"
Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive"
The other replies "Holy fuck! I didn't know you could talk!!"
A fish swims into a concrete wall.
"Dam"
Post by: Ultimuh on November 21, 2012, 05:03:00 am
Post by: lordcooper on November 21, 2012, 05:11:26 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do you get them out again?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Darvi on November 21, 2012, 05:13:58 am
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 21, 2012, 05:15:02 am
Post by: Knight of Fools on November 21, 2012, 05:29:17 am
Yep. And it's kind of funny that the -6 spot modifier guy pointed that out. :))
"I think I failed a spot check."
"Why? I don't see anything."
"Exactly."
Post by: Darvi on November 21, 2012, 05:32:43 am
Also, I would contribute, but I don't want to get my existentialism all over the thread.
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 21, 2012, 05:35:42 am
Post by: Knight of Fools on November 21, 2012, 05:36:21 am
A masochist asks a sadist to punch him.
The sadist says "no".
Post by: Imp on November 21, 2012, 05:55:11 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Flare on November 21, 2012, 06:04:56 am
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Post by: Darvi on November 21, 2012, 06:12:20 am
I never went to band camp, but one day in band class our conductor told us a very long and extremely strange joke. Here's a close recreation of it:So... are those dolphins or porpoises?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Korbac on November 21, 2012, 06:23:07 am
Post by: Imp on November 21, 2012, 06:40:52 am
So... are those dolphins or porpoises?
Far as I know, no sort of 'eagle cetaceans' exist except in imagination, so I guess they're anything the joke teller wants them to be. I never questioned the teacher's joke, but I did remember most of it for much of my life, and I did think it was an especially bad one.
Post by: Starver on November 21, 2012, 08:42:04 am
Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and sings "Give Me The Moonlight"?
A: Frankie Prawn (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frankie_Vaughan).
Post by: Aptus on November 21, 2012, 08:45:51 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Darvi on November 21, 2012, 08:48:59 am
o <-- My head
Post by: RedKing on November 21, 2012, 09:38:53 am
Here's a long religious one that I've always liked:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on November 21, 2012, 11:31:33 am
A priest, a minister and a rabbi are sitting in a boat. The rabbi says: "I'm hungry, I'll go get something to eat." So he gets out walks to shore over the water. Then the priest says: "Wait, I'll come along!" So he too gets out and walks to shore. So the minister thinks to himself: "If they go, I'm not staying." He gets out - and sinks. Climbs back innto the boat, gets out again - and sinks. After this has gone on for a bit, the priest asks the rabbi: "Shouldn't we just tell him where the stones are?"
Post by: pisskop on November 21, 2012, 11:44:02 am
victim: I don't know... What?
You: I don't know either, but here it come again!
:D
Post by: RedKing on November 21, 2012, 12:29:46 pm
A: Make me one with everything.
Post by: kaenneth on November 21, 2012, 01:11:50 pm
They planned to have a Roast of comedian Patrice O'Neal, however he would not fit in the crematorium.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Facekillz058 on November 22, 2012, 11:24:59 pm
How are Black people like Mexicans?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Pnx on November 23, 2012, 01:06:21 am
A church priest is hiring a bell ringer, after searching around for a while he finally finds a man to do it, "Do you think you can ring our church bell? It's a heavy and stubborn old thing."
"No problem," says the man, "I've got a technique, I'll ring that bell like nobody else."
So the priest decides he wants to see this technique and takes the man to the bell tower. Much to the priest's surprise, the man takes a step back, runs towards the bell and head butts the bell, making it ring louder and clearer than the priest had ever heard it ring.
The priest is shocked and amazed, and asks to see it again, the man nods his head, steps back, makes a run at the bell, but misses and falls off the edge of the tower.
The priest rushes down to the front of the church and finds the dead body lying on the road with a crowd gathering around him. Someone in the crowd asks the priest, "Who was he?" The priest suddenly realises he never asked the man's name and says, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
Post by: Mech#4 on November 23, 2012, 01:51:28 am
Post by: Yoink on November 23, 2012, 03:40:57 am
What does a Polish man call his wife?
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Why did the Scot call bull?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims across an ocean?
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Post by: Starver on November 23, 2012, 05:27:01 am
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims across an ocean?Are you sure that's complete? Usually it's "What do you call a man with no arms or legs [and sometimes head] who <does something>" with the answer...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a Brummy who falls into water?
Spoiler: ...for which you need the accent (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on November 23, 2012, 06:45:21 am
"Damn" says one, and they keep walking.
Spoiler: in case the listener doesn't get it. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Owlbread on November 23, 2012, 07:05:53 am
Post by: Jimmy on November 23, 2012, 07:35:14 am
Post by: Starver on November 23, 2012, 07:47:09 am
Post by: Reelya on November 23, 2012, 07:54:41 am
Post by: Darvi on November 23, 2012, 07:55:51 am
Post by: Jimmy on November 23, 2012, 08:07:28 am
Quote from: Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodium)
Sodium is a chemical element with the symbol Na (from Latin: natrium) in the periodic table and atomic number 11.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/87/Electron_shell_011_Sodium_-_no_label.svg/153px-Electron_shell_011_Sodium_-_no_label.svg.png)
Probably too nerdy for someone without a highschool or later level chemistry knowledge.
Post by: Reelya on November 23, 2012, 08:09:28 am
Post by: Jimmy on November 23, 2012, 08:11:47 am
Post by: Starver on November 23, 2012, 08:15:53 am
More modern screens use a special technology to paint electrons all the other different colours. But then there was no room for the voice-synthesis circuits that used to read out the text that was being written on the screen by the monomaniacal AI at the other end of the modem-line. *nodnod*
Post by: Reelya on November 23, 2012, 08:17:29 am
Post by: Starver on November 23, 2012, 08:20:08 am
Post by: Jimmy on November 23, 2012, 08:27:21 am
Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!"
All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom.
The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: "Your ticket, please."
The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.
When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all...
Again one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!".
All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: "Your ticket, please..."
Post by: RedKing on November 23, 2012, 08:36:31 am
And on that note,
Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.
Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?
Post by: Jimmy on November 23, 2012, 08:38:47 am
The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help."
The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"
Post by: Starver on November 23, 2012, 08:43:50 am
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a (different) train heading into Scotland. The astronomer is looking out of the window and sees a black sheep standing in a field. "Well," he says, "It appears that Scottish sheep are black".
The physicist looks and corrects him, "No, in Scotland there are sheep, some of which are evidently black."
The mathematician looks out and informs his fellow travellers, "I think you'll find that in Scotland one sheep, that we can observe, and that one side of it is black!"
@Redking: I'm tempted to Four Yorkshiremen you, but it'll just end up with "I remember when all this was fields..." ;)
Post by: Darvi on November 23, 2012, 08:46:33 am
Post by: Jimmy on November 23, 2012, 08:50:11 am
A mathematical biologist spends his vacation hiking in the Scottish highlands. One day, he encounters a shepherd with a large herd of sheep. One of these cuddly, woolly animals would make a great pet, he thinks...
"How much for one of your sheep?" he asks the shepherd.
"They aren't for sale", the shepherd replies.
The math biologist ponders for a moment and then says: "I will give you the precise number of sheep in your herd without counting. If I'm right, don't you think that I deserve one of them as a reward?"
The shepherd nods.
The math biologist says: "387".
The shepherd is silent for a while and then says: "You're right. I hate to lose any of my sheep, but I promised: One of them is yours. Have your pick!"
The math biologist grabs one of the animals, puts it on his shoulders, and is about to march on, when the shepherd says: "Wait! I will tell you what your profession is, and if I'm right I'll get the animal back."
"That's fair enough."
"You must be a mathematical biologist."
The man is stunned. "You're right. But how could you know?"
"That's easy: You gave me the precise number of sheep without counting - and then you picked my dog..."
Post by: Neonivek on November 23, 2012, 08:58:15 am
But I'll assume that it functions via joke logic.
Post by: Darvi on November 23, 2012, 08:58:31 am
"You know what", the second geneticist says after reflecting for a while, "I think you might be fibbing."
Post by: Neonivek on November 23, 2012, 09:00:51 am
I guess he got hungry between counting.
Post by: Darvi on November 23, 2012, 09:03:12 am
Post by: Reelya on November 23, 2012, 09:05:22 am
Post by: Jimmy on November 23, 2012, 09:07:54 am
One final mathematics one:
A statistics center is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"
Post by: Reelya on November 23, 2012, 09:14:57 am
The Bartender says "What can I get ya?"
The Turing Machine says "I can't decide."
Post by: Darvi on November 23, 2012, 09:21:30 am
The joke is in the punchline, a.k.a Fibonacci Sequence (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibonacci_number).Dammit, it wasn't terrible enough!
Post by: Starver on November 23, 2012, 10:23:41 am
One final mathematics one:That predisposes that the number is countably finite.
Here's one where the mathematician isn't the winner.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are one end of a bar, drowning their respective sorrows. A beautiful woman enters the establishment and sits down at the other end.
"Guys, " says the barkeep, "That's my sister there. I don't want you pestering her. I'm not going to stop you moving seats, but if ever I turn my back and find when I turn round again that any one of you has moved more than half the distance towards her I'm sending you all packing."
The mathematician has a think, then unhappily decides to stay where he is.
The physicist has a think, looks at his watch and sighs, deciding he hasn't got an infinite amount of time to spare.
The engineer has a think, and smiles happily to himself as he contemplates shortly being close enough for all practical purposes.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on November 23, 2012, 10:35:43 am
Post by: pisskop on November 23, 2012, 10:44:02 am
An Irishman walks out of a bar...and into a pub.
Post by: UltraValican on November 23, 2012, 10:44:15 am
Why couldn't Adam and Eve gamble?
God took their Paradise away.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A Chinese city tried to defend itself from the Mongol horde.
Post by: Neonivek on November 23, 2012, 11:27:26 am
The joke is ingenius!
Post by: RedKing on November 23, 2012, 11:48:04 am
Post by: Elu on November 23, 2012, 11:54:03 am
Ohh I see, the Chinese City tried to defend itself, but we know the Chinese are pacifists and thus wouldn't try to defend themselves from an attacker... and the Mongols being masters of disguise would actually attack under the guise of a flock of seaguls.Ehm... what?
The joke is ingenius!
Why the sloth never smile on photos?
.
.
.
Post by: Neonivek on November 23, 2012, 11:55:29 am
Quote
Why the sloth never smile on photos?
because you see sloths actually find cheese to be a rather sad food. So much so that when anyone says "Cheese" the sloth goes "What a terrible thing to say" and frowns.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 23, 2012, 12:02:52 pm
The joke was that the very idea of an Irishman walking out of a bar is simply preposterous.An Irishman walks out of a bar...and into a pub.
Which is true, we usually need to be dragged or carried.
Post by: Owlbread on November 23, 2012, 12:06:28 pm
The joke was that the very idea of an Irishman walking out of a bar is simply preposterous.An Irishman walks out of a bar...and into a pub.
Which is true, we usually need to be dragged or carried.
O, se Eirionnach a th'ann. Math dha riribh. A bheil Gaidhlig agaibh? Tha mi duilich, chan eil Gaelge agam ach tha Gaidhlig (Gaelge Albannach) agam.
Post by: Starver on November 23, 2012, 12:12:03 pm
I thought it was because they never went on holiday. You only ever see them in their workplace, and they don't even get paid that much and there's no free drinks machine and the pasty shop across the road hasn't actually got particularly large selection of pasties, and Janice, three aisles down, always seems to be on the phone making non-business calls and you can hear her over the cubicle partitions but you're not supposed to be doing that, and as soon a sloth makes one little "Honey, I'm working a little late tonight!" call, their line-managers make unhelpful noises, and they don't want to have to go and have a chat with the HR representative again... And what is it with "dress down Friday"? It just means "smart casual" instead "smart", anyway, with about the only advantage being that you don't catch your tie in the shredder on that day. Really, when it comes down to it, would you look happy on a work photo? No! Not even on that Team Building Weekend. Especially on that Team Building Weekend. A load of pseudo-psychological claptrap, that's what it is, and when you end up with a bronze medal at the end of it, and there were only two 'teams' actually competing. And now Artie has called and wants to "Touch Base" on the new project, when everyone knows that it's never going to happen. Not at that budget, and not by the schedule handed down by management. So, no, you never see them smile in photos. (Although occasionally one will photocopy his backside. Carefully. Don't want to get that "broken photocopier and glass in the buttocks" incident happening again.)
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 23, 2012, 12:15:50 pm
I'm from the English speaking part of the country :PThe joke was that the very idea of an Irishman walking out of a bar is simply preposterous.An Irishman walks out of a bar...and into a pub.
Which is true, we usually need to be dragged or carried.
O, se Eirionnach a th'ann. Math dha riribh. A bheil Gaidhlig agaibh? Tha mi duilich, chan eil Gaelge agam ach tha Gaidhlig (Gaelge Albannach) agam.
Post by: Owlbread on November 23, 2012, 01:25:20 pm
I'm from the English speaking part of the country :PThe joke was that the very idea of an Irishman walking out of a bar is simply preposterous.An Irishman walks out of a bar...and into a pub.
Which is true, we usually need to be dragged or carried.
O, se Eirionnach a th'ann. Math dha riribh. A bheil Gaidhlig agaibh? Tha mi duilich, chan eil Gaelge agam ach tha Gaidhlig (Gaelge Albannach) agam.
Tha mi tuigsinn, ach anns an Eirinn tha na sgoilearan a' dh'ionnsachadh Gaidhlig, nach eil? No Gaelge, tha mi duilich.
Post by: LordBucket on November 23, 2012, 01:46:08 pm
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ester.
Ester who?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Somoa.
Somoa who?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Remalle on November 23, 2012, 02:10:09 pm
So a mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting down, enjoying their lunch together, when across the street they spot two people entering a building. A little while later, three people leave.
"They must have reproduced," says the biologist.
The physicist says, "No, our initial measurement must have been in error."
Shaking his head, the mathematician replies "If one more person enters that building, it will be empty again."
Post by: Helgoland on November 23, 2012, 02:14:58 pm
How do a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer prove that all uneven numbers are prime?
Mathematician: "3, 5, 7, 9 - nope, sorry."
Physicist: "3, 5, 7, 9 - must be an observational error - 11, 13 - okay, it's probably true."
Engineer: "3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19, 21 - where's the problem?"
Post by: pisskop on November 23, 2012, 02:21:17 pm
Post by: Helgoland on November 23, 2012, 02:26:42 pm
Post by: GlyphGryph on November 23, 2012, 03:26:49 pm
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer enter a mathematics contest, the first task of which is to prove that all odd number are prime. The mathematician has an elegant argument: `1's a prime, 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime. Therefore, by mathematical induction, all odd numbers are prime. It's the physicist's turn: `1's a prime, 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 11's a prime, 13's a prime, so, to within experimental error, all odd numbers are prime.' The most straightforward proof is provided by the engineer: `1's a prime, 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 9's a prime, 11's a prime ...'.
OR
How a mathematician, physicist and an engineer prove that all odd numbers, (greater than 2), are prime.
Mathematician: "Well, 3 is prime, 5 is prime and 7 is prime so, by induction all odds are prime."
Physicist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime, (bad data point), 11 is prime, and so is 13, so all odds are prime."
Engineer: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime 13 is prime, so all odds are prime."
Done in full, it's a clever play on the fact that the mathematician misapplies a basic approach, the physicist takes an experimental approach and expects themselves to err, and the engineer simply takes it at face value. By taking it as an axiom, they simply solve the problem in the most efficient way possible. If that's what they are, then that's what they are. ;)
Ultimately, they joke is that they are ALL idiots in their own special way. ^_^
Post by: Dutchling on November 23, 2012, 03:41:17 pm
Post by: GlyphGryph on November 23, 2012, 03:45:29 pm
Prove all numbers are prime? Sure. All numbers are prime. I can even provide examples. Done.
Post by: Dutchling on November 23, 2012, 04:02:40 pm
Post by: Darvi on November 23, 2012, 04:09:34 pm
Post by: pisskop on November 23, 2012, 04:11:39 pm
Post by: RedWarrior0 on November 23, 2012, 04:16:58 pm
I don't care what anybody says, Dilbert is freakin' hilarious...Indeed. I am at the end of 2000 in my archive dive.
Post by: UltraValican on November 23, 2012, 09:55:34 pm
The joke is they end up getting steam rolled.
Post by: pisskop on November 23, 2012, 10:19:25 pm
Post by: Starver on November 24, 2012, 02:22:36 pm
Post by: Neonivek on November 24, 2012, 03:44:09 pm
Post by: RedWarrior0 on November 24, 2012, 03:53:12 pm
Post by: Scoops Novel on November 24, 2012, 04:37:19 pm
Post by: Yoink on November 25, 2012, 10:07:08 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on November 25, 2012, 10:08:59 am
A dwarf walks out of a dining room...
Post by: pisskop on November 25, 2012, 11:03:42 am
To revise my earlier terrible joke:and into a goblin ambush
A dwarf walks out of a dining room...
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 25, 2012, 01:53:54 pm
To revise my earlier terrible joke:and into a goblin ambush
A dwarf walks out of a dining room...
The joke is that he's leaving a party. A dwarf. Not partying.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on November 25, 2012, 02:43:15 pm
Post by: Starver on November 25, 2012, 05:26:37 pm
Who are the Irish? :PThey're like dwarves, except that they're taller (except for those that race horses), wear green and not all of them have beards either. Other than that, they're practically identical.
Post by: pisskop on November 25, 2012, 05:29:47 pm
Post by: Starver on November 25, 2012, 05:37:35 pm
Post by: pisskop on November 25, 2012, 05:37:47 pm
I'm on the verge of making a terrible Irish/dwarf joke, but I keep hitting a mental block.
DAMN YOU BRAIN!
Leprichauns
Edit: Americanized Leprichauns, those stereotypical little funny men who are talking funny(when they arent killing people with odd insturments over a bloody coin).
Post by: OREOSOME on November 25, 2012, 05:40:25 pm
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 25, 2012, 05:40:55 pm
Listen, this has gone too fucking far.
There are no fucking leprechauns, ok? None!
We fucking hunted them all to extinction years ago!
Do you really think we'd let those little fuckers run around with their pots of gold and not have a crack at them?
Christ, we even used dogs with stubby legs to give the a fighting chance, but they're dead.
THERE ARE NO FUCKING LEPRECHAUNS
Post by: pisskop on November 25, 2012, 05:45:45 pm
A dwarf goes to work and does it efficiently.:o ...wait, Im quarter Irish...
Post by: Zrk2 on November 25, 2012, 06:23:24 pm
A dwarf goes to work and does it efficiently.:o ...wait, Im quarter Irish...
You better not work efficiently 1/4 of the time.
Post by: ed boy on November 25, 2012, 06:42:15 pm
I'm on the verge of making a terrible Irish/dwarf joke, but I keep hitting a mental block.Simple. Take any englishman/irishman/scotsman joke and replace with with human/dwarf/elf.
DAMN YOU BRAIN!
Post by: SirAaronIII on November 25, 2012, 06:49:22 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on November 25, 2012, 07:49:56 pm
Post by: pisskop on November 25, 2012, 07:53:07 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on November 25, 2012, 07:54:01 pm
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 25, 2012, 07:54:23 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 25, 2012, 07:58:30 pm
A dwarf went fell.
Post by: pisskop on November 25, 2012, 07:59:28 pm
Spoiler: CT's version (click to show/hide)
Why did we never see little elf baby Timmy again?:P
A dwarf went fell.
Post by: Helgoland on November 26, 2012, 06:44:51 am
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on November 26, 2012, 06:52:08 am
Quick, a fight between Stalin and FDR: Who'd win?I think Stalin would win the fight because he'd act like he was (Stalin) for time while in reality he's building a massive spirit bomb.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 26, 2012, 07:23:57 am
It's a lifestyle choice and I don't approve of it! >: (
Post by: Sheb on November 26, 2012, 07:26:51 am
Now, Stalin vs TR?
Post by: Owlbread on November 26, 2012, 12:50:33 pm
Also, Stalin could eat FDR's brain with his mustache.
Now, Stalin vs TR?
TR would hunt him like an elephant. He certainly knew how to do that, bastard.
Post by: pisskop on November 26, 2012, 12:56:07 pm
Post by: Reelya on November 26, 2012, 02:10:04 pm
Once there was a snail who was tired of being slow. He went out and bought a really fast sports car and had the dealer paint a big 'S' for 'snail', on each side of it.
Whenever someone saw him zooming past in his new car, they would say, "Wow, look at that S-car go!"
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 26, 2012, 02:13:40 pm
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 26, 2012, 02:32:43 pm
Post by: RedWarrior0 on November 26, 2012, 03:30:56 pm
Post by: Reelya on November 26, 2012, 03:42:44 pm
Hedging my bets, i'll knot bough to your demands, nor cedar victory to you. otherwise eye willow you too much.
Post by: Helgoland on November 26, 2012, 04:07:57 pm
That was no joke.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on November 26, 2012, 04:09:27 pm
I shall brutally murder YEW with a sledgehammer and dump your mangled body in the ocean.
That was no joke.
FTFY
Post by: GaxkangtheUnbound on November 26, 2012, 04:25:34 pm
Post by: Helgoland on November 26, 2012, 04:36:36 pm
root (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=54795.0)Heh :D
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 26, 2012, 06:11:32 pm
What's the most useless tree of all?
Elves.
Post by: Darvi on November 26, 2012, 06:13:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 26, 2012, 06:14:21 pm
Still elves.
Post by: Zrk2 on November 26, 2012, 08:40:55 pm
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 26, 2012, 09:00:12 pm
Ye be.
Post by: Descan on November 26, 2012, 09:41:28 pm
Ye be walking a Dalek road with these puns.FTFY
Ye be.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on November 26, 2012, 09:42:30 pm
Nae.
Post by: RedWarrior0 on November 26, 2012, 10:46:42 pm
Post by: zombie urist on November 27, 2012, 01:04:23 am
Bobby: I hope so too.
Post by: Yoink on November 27, 2012, 05:32:32 am
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Where do you go to find a sober Irishman?
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What do you call a tall, thin man who lives in a tree?
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Back when dinosaurs walked the earth, they thought they were invincible. They were the biggest creatures around, they could kill just about anything. But there was one dinosaur who said it couldn't last. He said they were too big, if they didn't learn to be smaller they would all die. They laughed at him, they didn't believe him for a second.
Thus, all modern lizards are descended from the...
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Post by: Helgoland on November 27, 2012, 06:43:57 am
She goes to the teacher to complain.
The teacher tells her: "On question two, Bobby wrote 'I don't know', right?"
"Right."
"Well, and you wrote 'Me neither.'"
Also, a really evil one:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Darvi on November 27, 2012, 06:46:42 am
Post by: Helgoland on November 27, 2012, 06:52:53 am
Post by: GreatJustice on November 27, 2012, 07:22:35 am
Post by: Dutchling on November 27, 2012, 09:30:00 am
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on November 27, 2012, 09:37:13 am
Post by: pisskop on November 27, 2012, 09:46:54 am
I think this would do it... (http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/385746/the-royal-wedding#searchterm=wedding)
Post by: kaenneth on December 02, 2012, 09:01:37 pm
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What do you call a group of Blondes lost in the snow?
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Post by: dei on December 03, 2012, 08:36:46 am
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A lonely man went into the local pet store looking for an unusual pet as a companion. The owner suggested a centipede. "What sort of a companion would a centipede be?" the man asked.
"This is the most unusual centipede," the store owner said. "He's a great conversationalist and he loves to drink."
The man took the centipede home and put him in a box on the windowsil. That evening the man asked "Would you like to go out for a beer?"
Receiving no response the man said, "How about it, would you like to join me for a drink at my favorite bar?"
Again there was no response, so the man fairly shouted "Hey, in there! How about going out for a drink?"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why did the hard-of-hearing chief of police order the SWAT team to surround the department store?
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An angel appeared at a university faculty meeting and told the dean that in return for his exemplary behavior, the Lord would reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean said infinite wisdom. "Done," the angel said, then disappeared.
The other faculty members looked at the dean, who was surrounded by a halo of light. One colleague said, "Say something wise."
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
En route to his next performance, a juggler was stopped by a cop. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" the officer asked.
"I juggle flaming torches," the juggler said.
"Oh yeah?" the cop said. "Let me see."
The man stepped out of the car and began to juggle the blazing torches. A coupl driving by slowed down to watch.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A banker and his friend ere fishing one afternoon when their boat begain to sink. The banker said, "I can't swim."
His friend held on to the banker and swam toward shore. After twenty minutes, he grew tired and asked "Do you suppose you could float alone?"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He took a sip and heard a voice say, "Nice tie."
The only other person there was the bartender, and he was standing at the opposite end of the bar. A few minutes later, the man heard another voice say, "Beautiful shirt."
The man called the bartneder over. "I must be losing my mind," he said. "I keep hearing voices say nice things."
"It's the peanuts," the bartender said.
"What do you mean?" the man asked.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Two men were walking through the forest when they noticed a bear standing a few feet away. The first man bent down and retied his shoelaces.
"Are you crazy?" the second man whispered. "Do you really think you can outrun him?"
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A man who had been driving all night decided to pull over somewhere quiet to get some sleep. He parked near a jogging trail and settled back to snooze. Just after he fell asleep, there was a knock at his window. He opened his eyes and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said. "Do you have the time?"
The man looked at his watch and answered, "8:10."
The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The man settled back and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. A second jogger running in place asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:20," the man said.
The jogger said thank-you and ran off. The man knew it was only a matter of time before another jogger disturbed him, so he put a sign in his window that said I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME!
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Two guys walk into a building.
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A man went to his doctor and said "When I got up this morning I instinctively put on a pair of white gloves and called my wife Minnie. On the way to work I couldn't help singing, 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go.' And at the office I called my boss Grumpy. What's the matter with me?"
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Hollywood executives are working on a new movie about Amelia Earhart's fatal ride over the Pacific.
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What do you get when you take ecstacy with birth control?
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A man owned a farm in Kansas. The Department of Labor received a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his employees. An agent came to interview him and said, "List your employees and tell me how much you pay them."
The farmer said, "I have one ranch hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week plus room and board. Then I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $400 a week plus room and board."
"Anybody else?" the agent asked as he scribbled on a notepad.
"Yeah," the famer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and give him chewing tobacco."
"Very interesting," the agent said. "I want to talk to that half-wit."
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Post by: Zrk2 on December 03, 2012, 04:45:06 pm
Post by: Helgoland on December 03, 2012, 05:04:54 pm
"Why call it a Czech? Why not - a Yugoslav?"
Post by: misko27 on December 03, 2012, 05:15:41 pm
To quote a joke from Friends:"Because it isn't PC. And Yugoslavia no longer exists."
"Why call it a Czech? Why not - a Yugoslav?"
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on December 03, 2012, 05:19:32 pm
Nick Clegg.
Post by: Starver on December 03, 2012, 05:47:52 pm
Back before there were Czechs, there were Czechoslovakians. But then Czechoslovakia split up. There were the Czechs in the Czech Republic and the Slovakians in Slovakia. But where did the Os go?To quote a joke from Friends:"Because it isn't PC. And Yugoslavia no longer exists."
"Why call it a Czech? Why not - a Yugoslav?"
Post by: Helgoland on December 03, 2012, 05:51:40 pm
Post by: dei on December 03, 2012, 10:13:12 pm
Those were very terrible. Well done.I know. And I specifically avoided any racist, sexist or sex-related jokes and reworded one joke so that it wasn't a blonde joke. Again, I reget nothing save that the Playboys were found by a former roommate who found them in a box in a dumpster and that I had to wash my hands several times after typing that up.
I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Post by: ed boy on December 04, 2012, 05:17:49 am
Post by: Dutchling on December 04, 2012, 10:57:26 am
If you go here (http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/), you will find jokes that fulfill pretty much all of the definitions of terrible.Why is my brain a poopbomb Dx?
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on December 04, 2012, 10:59:37 am
Post by: Reelya on December 04, 2012, 01:45:34 pm
What do Cannibals call quadriplegics?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on December 04, 2012, 01:52:57 pm
Good lord, i could make up better terrible jokes myself than that pile:
What do Cannibals call quadriplegics?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Funny, that's what old men call old women in hoverrounds. . .
Post by: Cthulhu on December 04, 2012, 02:00:04 pm
Quote
Q.what did batman say to robin before they got in the car
A.get in the car
God damn. Yes.
I went to a Mobius strip club once but I didn't know what the boundaries were with the dancers..
Post by: Helgoland on December 04, 2012, 04:09:24 pm
To get to the same side.
Post by: dei on December 04, 2012, 04:15:25 pm
If you go here (http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/), you will find jokes that fulfill pretty much all of the definitions of terrible.That's not terrible. That's just plain stupid. It doesn't even warrant a dead baby joke as some means of retaliation.
Post by: Korbac on December 04, 2012, 08:57:38 pm
Q. Why did the spy cross the road?
A. He didn't; he "never really was on your side."
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on December 04, 2012, 09:04:29 pm
Post by: ChairmanPoo on December 04, 2012, 09:18:09 pm
Post by: Finn on December 05, 2012, 03:51:13 am
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who..?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Machiavelli on December 05, 2012, 06:33:10 am
(http://rgh.cc/albums/userpics/10001/supplies.gif)
Post by: Helgoland on December 05, 2012, 07:45:54 am
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on December 05, 2012, 07:53:17 am
Post by: Starver on December 05, 2012, 08:45:24 am
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on December 05, 2012, 08:46:24 am
It's just razy lacism.
Post by: Helgoland on December 05, 2012, 01:08:42 pm
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Post by: Zrk2 on December 05, 2012, 02:19:15 pm
Post by: ragman le bon on December 05, 2012, 02:39:41 pm
And he will say is this a glass of limeade?
And if so why is this a glass of limeade
And after a while he'll die of thirst
(lyrics from a Half Man Half Biscuit song. Not a joke obviously, just thought it appropriate)
Post by: Owlbread on December 08, 2012, 11:17:01 am
After living in Japan for a year
(http://rgh.cc/albums/userpics/10001/supplies.gif)
People were telling that joke to my mother and father back in the 1960s/70s.
Post by: Machiavelli on December 10, 2012, 09:09:06 am
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on December 10, 2012, 11:21:23 am
Post by: Yoink on December 10, 2012, 11:33:22 am
Post by: Hiiri on December 31, 2012, 02:40:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Facekillz058 on December 31, 2012, 02:47:08 pm
Post by: Tellemurius on December 31, 2012, 02:48:13 pm
'_' i dont get itAfter living in Japan for a year
(http://rgh.cc/albums/userpics/10001/supplies.gif)
People were telling that joke to my mother and father back in the 1960s/70s.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on December 31, 2012, 02:50:10 pm
/jokekiller
Post by: Hiiri on December 31, 2012, 02:53:04 pm
Is that a Jimmy Carr joke?
No idea. Could be.
Post by: RedKing on December 31, 2012, 02:59:39 pm
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...
...a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Post by: Sergius on January 02, 2013, 10:38:21 am
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Post by: Sheb on January 02, 2013, 01:38:04 pm
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Post by: Bauglir on January 02, 2013, 01:56:21 pm
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Post by: Sergius on January 02, 2013, 02:21:53 pm
The Polish Flea Experiment
A Polish scientist was performing an experiment on the verbal reactions of fleas. He had trained a flea to jump on command.
The scientist commanded the flea, "Jump flea!" and the flea jumped four feet. The scientist wrote in his notebook: "Flea with four feet jumps four feet."
Then the scientist pulled off one of the fleas legs with a pair of tweezers and commanded the flea "Jump flea!" The flea jumped three feet and the scientist wrote it in his notebook.
The scientist did this until the flea had no legs left.
The scientist commanded, "Jump flea!"
Nothing happened.
He tried it again, "Jump flea!"
Again, nothing happened, so even louder he yelled, "Jump flea!"
And still the flea did nothing.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sergius on January 02, 2013, 02:28:18 pm
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Post by: Sheb on January 02, 2013, 03:07:19 pm
Post by: PyroDesu on January 03, 2013, 12:47:13 am
Alice: What's the fruitiest subject at school?
Bob: Tell me.
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Bob: What do you call a fake Irish stone?
Alice: What?
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Alice: Why did the student give his teacher a PC?
Bob: Why?
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Bob: What do you do with a dead chemist?
Alice: I don't know.
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Books never written:
"Beasts of Burden" by Don Key
"It Keeps Happening" by Juan C. Gann
"Orienteering for Dummies" by Hugo Datway
"High-Quality Metal" by Ty Tanium
"Royal Families" by Madge S. Tee
I'll have more when I find one of the magazines where they aren't all worse than I remember them.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on January 03, 2013, 12:52:33 am
"It Keeps Happening" by Juan C. GannThat one was done wrong.
"It Keeps Happening" by Ivan U. Vowthostairs.
Post by: Jimmy on January 03, 2013, 05:41:26 am
Mine was 1920 x 1080.
Post by: Starver on January 03, 2013, 09:07:18 am
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Post by: Facekillz058 on January 08, 2013, 06:35:37 am
Period.
Post by: Helgoland on January 08, 2013, 07:04:15 am
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How many epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?
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And one very insensitive one: What's Palestinian confetti?
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Post by: Sheb on January 08, 2013, 07:40:47 am
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Post by: Sergius on January 08, 2013, 09:58:31 am
One of them keeps screaming "menstruation! Menstruation!", eventually the other one interrupts him and says "hey man, it's not menstruation, it's Revolution!"
The first one replies "Whatever! Let's spill some blood!"
Post by: pisskop on January 08, 2013, 11:13:05 am
Vagina jokes are not funny.That is a terrible one! :P
Period.
Post by: zombie urist on January 08, 2013, 01:03:04 pm
What's the difference between a duck?I still don't get it. :-[Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sergius on January 08, 2013, 02:29:05 pm
What's the difference between a duck?I still don't get it. :-[Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Explaining the Joke! (don't try this) (click to show/hide)
Post by: kaenneth on January 08, 2013, 09:39:21 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio)
Post by: zombie urist on January 09, 2013, 01:25:30 am
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on January 09, 2013, 02:10:05 am
Post by: Sergius on January 09, 2013, 11:43:43 am
"AHH get it off getitoff!"
Post by: kaenneth on January 09, 2013, 06:59:00 pm
"The joke is on you!"
"AHH get it off getitoff!"
That's why they used to throw eggs at bad comedians, so the yolk is on them.
Post by: Helgoland on January 09, 2013, 07:01:57 pm
Post by: Facekillz058 on February 05, 2013, 03:50:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: kerlc on February 05, 2013, 03:56:52 pm
To which the other one replies:"oh, look! A talking sausage!"
Post by: Slayerhero90 on February 05, 2013, 04:15:48 pm
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Post by: Dutchling on February 05, 2013, 04:17:58 pm
Two sausages were being cooked in boiling water. Suddenly, one of them turns toward the other one and asks:" hey, isn't it a bit hot in here?"
To which the other one replies:"oh, look! A talking sausage!"
Ha, I get it! Sausages can't see :D
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on February 05, 2013, 04:20:45 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
What's the internet's favourite animal?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ha, I get it! Sausages can't talk :D
That actually made me laugher harder then the original joke. Good show.
Post by: Sergius on February 05, 2013, 10:25:47 pm
Post by: Angel Of Death on February 05, 2013, 11:48:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on February 06, 2013, 06:29:08 am
I ordered a burger at the restaurant in Tescos the other day. The waitress asked if I wanted anything on it. I said "Yes, please. A fiver each way"....
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on February 06, 2013, 06:43:04 am
Post by: WealthyRadish on February 06, 2013, 07:37:26 pm
A man from California is attending his sister's wedding in Kentucky, and is invited to a barbecue before the rehearsal by his sister's soon to be father-in-law. The man accepts, but asks whether the meat will be free-range or not. The Kentucky man replies that he's unsure, since he hasn't heard the term before, and the Californian explains that it refers to animals raised in more natural conditions than mass production farms, which he views as cruel. To this the Kentucky man replies, "Shit, I didn't know they farmed squirrels in California!".
Post by: Neonivek on February 06, 2013, 08:02:40 pm
You are unbearable
I like to bear everything forward
I cannot bear it
Thank you beary much
Mmmmmm Terrible terrible jokes.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on February 07, 2013, 06:37:47 am
Post by: Osmosis Jones on February 07, 2013, 06:43:44 am
The first one says "Hmmm, doesn't look like there was any metamorphism here"
To which the other replies, "No schist!"
Post by: Lemunde on February 07, 2013, 06:45:22 am
Why didn't the higgs boson walk into the bar?
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Post by: The Darkling Wolf on February 07, 2013, 06:46:12 am
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Post by: Sergius on February 07, 2013, 09:44:19 am
Post by: Starver on February 07, 2013, 10:18:13 am
Post by: darklord92 on February 07, 2013, 11:22:07 am
Post by: MaximumZero on February 07, 2013, 11:26:54 am
Post by: Starver on February 07, 2013, 12:10:26 pm
Post by: RedKing on February 07, 2013, 12:34:57 pm
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll be IT!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three.."
Pascal runs off immediately to find a place to hide.
Newton, however, merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square...
... Newton finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts "Ready or not, here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. "Found you Newton!"
Newton looks at him and replies, "No you didn't. You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."
Post by: Zrk2 on February 07, 2013, 01:48:35 pm
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.
Einstein is bored, so he suggests, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll be IT!"
The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. "One... Two... Three.."
Pascal runs off immediately to find a place to hide.
Newton, however, merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square...
... Newton finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts "Ready or not, here I come!"
Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. "Found you Newton!"
Newton looks at him and replies, "No you didn't. You found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal."
We have a winner.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on December 27, 2013, 07:51:20 pm
Don't you die on me!
*BDJZZZZ!*
Thread: b ... beep ... beep ... beep
//
A vulture was arguing with a TSA agent because they wouldn't let him onto the plane with his carrion.
Post by: Yoink on December 27, 2013, 08:31:54 pm
It wooden work.
Post by: HissinhWalnuts on December 27, 2013, 08:46:03 pm
Post by: werty892 on December 27, 2013, 11:26:11 pm
So a plane is flying from Georgia to Moscow, and suddenly, a man storms the cabin with a gun, demanding it be redirected to London. The pilot oblidges, and steers the plane to London. Suddenly, a second man storms the cabin with 2 guns, and demands the plane be redirected to Paris. The pilot redirects the plane again. Then, a Georgian comes into the cabin and says "I have a bomb, steer the plane to Moscow or I will blow us all up." The pilot obliges, and steers the plane to Moscow. When they land, the Georgian is congratulated by some officials, and the ask, "Comrade, why did you order the plane back to Moscow?" and the Georgian replies "What would I do with 1000 tulips in Paris?"
Spoiler: Explanation (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on December 28, 2013, 08:05:19 am
"Really? well I'm Friday. Want to come over on Saturday and have a sundae?"
Post by: scrdest on December 28, 2013, 11:34:40 am
How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)These are copypasta - there's some great philosophy jokes (proofs for p!) here (http://consc.net/phil-humor.html).Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh god, I followed the link and found the Uxbridge Dictionary of Philosophy. I'll need to wash my clothes, but at least my floor is now completely lint-free from all the rolling on it it endured.
E: 'lacanthropy, n. The transformation, under the influence of the full moon, of a dubious psychological theory into a dubious social theory via a dubious linguistic theory.' <3
Post by: Caz on December 28, 2013, 03:20:53 pm
Corny, wasn't it?
/dadjokes
Post by: GreatJustice on December 28, 2013, 03:58:21 pm
---
A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are asked to find the length of the hypotenuse if the other side lengths are 3 and 4 metres long.
The mathematician pauses for a second and says, "Why, that's a Pythagorean triple! The hypotenuse is five metres long."
The engineer pulls out a book listing triangle side lengths and leafs through it with precision. Unfortunately, the relevant page is stained with coffee and is illegible. After several minutes of thought, the engineer declares that the question is impossible and walks out.
The statistician checks to see that the door is closed, leans forward, and asks "Well, what do you want the answer to be?"
---
A salesman's car breaks down in the middle of a harsh storm. Fortunately, he spots a farmer's house not far away. When he arrives, the farmer says, "Fortunately for you, my three beautiful daughters are away at college, so you can sleep in their room for the night."
Without a word, the salesman turns around and begins walking back to his broken car. "But why are you leaving?" asks the farmer, "I have a room for you!"
The salesman turns around and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
---
Two tellers are working at a bank when robbers break in and tell people to give them their wallets.
The first teller passes the other $50. "What's this?" asks the second teller.
"It's the fifty bucks I owe you."
---
A man's father accurately predicts, to the nearest hour, the time and place of his death. How is this possible?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Remuthra on December 28, 2013, 04:11:44 pm
Post by: Yannanth on December 29, 2013, 05:57:50 am
Post by: Remuthra on December 29, 2013, 08:28:32 am
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on December 29, 2013, 03:01:35 pm
So a cop is on watch one dark and cold night, and he sees a car drive by. There's nobody in the car.
Post by: scrdest on December 29, 2013, 05:26:44 pm
Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.
That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.
Post by: scrdest on December 30, 2013, 03:01:07 am
Come to think of it, LCS is, in itself, a terrible joke.Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.
That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.
In retrospect, I should have responded with 'This *is* disturbing. What can I do'
Post by: Remuthra on December 30, 2013, 08:52:25 am
Golly, is there any way to help?Come to think of it, LCS is, in itself, a terrible joke.Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.
That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.
In retrospect, I should have responded with 'This *is* disturbing. What can I do'
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on December 30, 2013, 02:04:32 pm
Spoiler: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged? (click to show/hide)
Also:
A cowboy rides into town, his face chapped and raw from the wind. He dismounts at the saloon, walks his horse up, and to the astonishment of the men on the porch he jams his finger in the horse's ass, swirls it around, and wipes it on his lips. A man on the porch asks, "Is that some kinda cure for chapped lips?" The cowboy answers, "No, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."
And then:
A young gunslinger is in the saloon getting shooting advice from the sheriff. The sheriff says, "Cut a notch in yer holster, son." and the kid asks "Will that make me draw faster?" to which the man nods. The kid pulls out a knife and cuts the notch, and sure enough when he draws and shoots the drink off the piano it's faster than ever. The piano man stops and the bar quiets, but when they realize it's over everything goes back to normal.
The youngster begs for more hot gunslinging tips. So the sheriff says, "Hang her gun belt just this way." and the kid asks excitedly, "Will that make me draw faster?" and the old man nods. The kid adjusts his belt, stands ready, and draws and shoots the tip jar off the piano.
The kid is real excited at this point. He asks if the sheriff can give him any more advice. The sheriff says, "Yeah, take some grease and cover the whole gun with it." The kid asks dubiously whether that'll help him draw faster. The sheriff replies, "No, but it'll sure make it easier on you when Wyatt Earp over at the piano shoves it up yer ass!"
Post by: pisskop on January 29, 2014, 02:43:32 pm
Quote from: Ghost of Watermark;1429687
damn if your bladder gets fucked up urine big trouble.
Post by: Dutchling on January 29, 2014, 02:45:10 pm
Post by: TheBeardyMan on January 29, 2014, 04:06:11 pm
A: No thanks, it's bad for my grout.
Post by: Yoink on January 29, 2014, 08:16:05 pm
She said, "Now, let's not go russian into things..."
Post by: GreatJustice on January 30, 2014, 09:01:41 am
Spoiler: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged? (click to show/hide)
Also:
A cowboy rides into town, his face chapped and raw from the wind. He dismounts at the saloon, walks his horse up, and to the astonishment of the men on the porch he jams his finger in the horse's ass, swirls it around, and wipes it on his lips. A man on the porch asks, "Is that some kinda cure for chapped lips?" The cowboy answers, "No, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."
And then:
A young gunslinger is in the saloon getting shooting advice from the sheriff. The sheriff says, "Cut a notch in yer holster, son." and the kid asks "Will that make me draw faster?" to which the man nods. The kid pulls out a knife and cuts the notch, and sure enough when he draws and shoots the drink off the piano it's faster than ever. The piano man stops and the bar quiets, but when they realize it's over everything goes back to normal.
The youngster begs for more hot gunslinging tips. So the sheriff says, "Hang her gun belt just this way." and the kid asks excitedly, "Will that make me draw faster?" and the old man nods. The kid adjusts his belt, stands ready, and draws and shoots the tip jar off the piano.
The kid is real excited at this point. He asks if the sheriff can give him any more advice. The sheriff says, "Yeah, take some grease and cover the whole gun with it." The kid asks dubiously whether that'll help him draw faster. The sheriff replies, "No, but it'll sure make it easier on you when Wyatt Earp over at the piano shoves it up yer ass!"
An old cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he's drinking, a woman sits down beside him. She asks the cowboy, "Are you a real cowboy?" He answers, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, mending fences, herding horses and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend all day thinking about women. When I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I'm at work, I think about women. When I'm in the shower, I think about women."
Later, a tourist walks into the bar and, spotting the cowboy, rushes to him excitedly. "Are you a real cowboy?" he asks.
"Well, I thought I was a real cowboy," says the cowboy, "but it turns out I'm a lesbian."
Post by: TheBeardyMan on January 31, 2014, 01:40:57 am
The birds refused to clean them on the grounds that it was in-denture servitude.
Post by: scrdest on January 31, 2014, 03:57:11 am
Did you hear about the crocodile with false teeth?
The birds refused to clean them on the grounds that it was in-denture servitude.
Kill me. End the pain.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on January 31, 2014, 02:43:26 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on January 31, 2014, 03:03:03 pm
Sun Tzu recommended that you try to do battle when you are strongest, on Saturday or Sunday, because all the other days are weakdays.So true.
Post by: Tellemurius on January 31, 2014, 03:24:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on January 31, 2014, 05:47:07 pm
Post by: Chaoswizkid on January 31, 2014, 08:32:12 pm
Do you know what sound a baby makes in a microwave?
No?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on January 31, 2014, 10:43:36 pm
Don't know if it's been put in the rest of this thread or not, but whatever. Also, dead babies. I know this as the most tasteless joke I've ever heard, and not in a punny way. It's also completely about the delivery, which means it should be even more terrible on this forum. Also NSFW. You've been warned.Heard a variant of that in Draw and Paint Class today from a friend. It was phrased "How long do you put a dead baby in the microwave?"
Do you know what sound a baby makes in a microwave?
No?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I was supposed to ask how long, but I ended up telling him that 10 minutes might be it.
Post by: Steelmagic on February 01, 2014, 01:09:28 am
"Are you a tree"?
"No".
Post by: Remalle on February 01, 2014, 02:45:19 am
Two priests in the Spanish Inquisition were talking about their database problems - mostly issues with conversion.I wasn't expecting that punchline.
Post by: Osmosis Jones on February 01, 2014, 04:07:33 am
Two priests in the Spanish Inquisition were talking about their database problems - mostly issues with conversion.I wasn't expecting that punchline.
No one expects the Spanish Database Complication!
Post by: kaijyuu on February 02, 2014, 07:02:33 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Remuthra on February 02, 2014, 07:06:06 pm
"Na."
Post by: Korbac on February 02, 2014, 07:15:39 pm
"Hey, do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?"
"Na."
HeHe. :)
Post by: Osmosis Jones on February 03, 2014, 05:35:21 am
"Hey, do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?"
"Na."
HeHe. :)
That's the problem with chemistry jokes... all the good ones argon.
Post by: Gamerlord on February 03, 2014, 05:41:31 am
*applause*"Hey, do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?"
"Na."
HeHe. :)
That's the problem with chemistry jokes... all the good ones argon.
Post by: Osmosis Jones on February 03, 2014, 05:45:43 am
Addendum: Why is Skrillex a terrible chemist?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on February 03, 2014, 03:35:46 pm
One yuan, Juan.
Post by: MaximumZero on February 03, 2014, 05:02:18 pm
This is why I don't tell chemistry jokes anymore.*applause*"Hey, do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?"
"Na."
HeHe. :)
That's the problem with chemistry jokes... all the good ones argon.
I always get no reaction. The audience is inert.
Post by: Remuthra on February 03, 2014, 05:12:25 pm
Y?This is why I don't tell chemistry jokes anymore.*applause*"Hey, do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?"
"Na."
HeHe. :)
That's the problem with chemistry jokes... all the good ones argon.
I always get no reaction. The audience is inert.
Post by: pisskop on February 03, 2014, 05:21:40 pm
Post by: Remuthra on February 03, 2014, 05:23:22 pm
Post by: Sheb on February 03, 2014, 06:23:01 pm
Post by: Remuthra on February 03, 2014, 06:25:39 pm
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 07, 2014, 01:39:25 pm
Post by: TheBeardyMan on February 07, 2014, 02:39:51 pm
The interviewer asks "Where's the rest of your résumé?"
The programmer replies "Oh, that's downloadable content. It costs an extra $10".
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 07, 2014, 02:58:22 pm
Post by: Steelmagic on February 07, 2014, 03:03:06 pm
See, that's a great joke. True, too. Guy probably got hired on the spot and given an office with a view of his parking space full of money.Of course he didn't. $10 is too cheap. Now if he asked for a bit more he would've been guaranteed the job.
Post by: Reelya on February 07, 2014, 04:37:07 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on February 07, 2014, 05:14:20 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 07, 2014, 07:14:13 pm
Spoiler: What do you call a cow with no legs? (click to show/hide)
It's best if you sort of sing the punch line, I have found.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on February 07, 2014, 08:04:52 pm
Spoiler: What do you call a cow with no legs? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: What do you call a cow with two legs? (click to show/hide)
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 07, 2014, 08:09:15 pm
I should start a thread in Forum Games: Give me weird things to say to my girlfriend.
Post by: Pnx on February 07, 2014, 11:07:11 pm
Do you know what a plateau is?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So Patty goes to his friend Shamus, who runs a TV advertising agency, he asks him to run an ad for him advertising his nails, Shamus tells him "Don't worry, I'll take care of it all, you can watch the ad at home for yourself."
So later on Patty is at home and sees the ad come on the TV, it's an ad showing Jesus Christ nailed to the cross, and the slogan goes, "Patty's Nails, they'll hold up anything."
Patty is absolutely pissed about this, he goes to his friend Shamus and chews him out for running the ad. Shamus apologises and tells him, "Don't worry, I'll fix this, I'll run a new ad just for you, free of charge, and there won't be any nailing anyone to anything in this one."
So Patty goes home, and later on he sees the new ad. It depicts a man in a robe with a flowing beard running down a street, being chased by two roman centurions, the slogan goes, "Should have used Patty's Nails."
Post by: martinuzz on February 08, 2014, 04:05:50 am
Post by: Gamerlord on February 08, 2014, 04:40:57 am
My brother shared a bunch of cheesy jokes with me today, a lot of them are not things I'd want to share but here's a couple of the tamer ones for you guys.Both of those are simulataneously brilliant and reprehensible.
Do you know what a plateau is?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So Patty goes to his friend Shamus, who runs a TV advertising agency, he asks him to run an ad for him advertising his nails, Shamus tells him "Don't worry, I'll take care of it all, you can watch the ad at home for yourself."
So later on Patty is at home and sees the ad come on the TV, it's an ad showing Jesus Christ nailed to the cross, and the slogan goes, "Patty's Nails, they'll hold up anything."
Patty is absolutely pissed about this, he goes to his friend Shamus and chews him out for running the ad. Shamus apologises and tells him, "Don't worry, I'll fix this, I'll run a new ad just for you, free of charge, and there won't be any nailing anyone to anything in this one."
So Patty goes home, and later on he sees the new ad. It depicts a man in a robe with a flowing beard running down a street, being chased by two roman centurions, the slogan goes, "Should have used Patty's Nails."
Post by: Remuthra on February 08, 2014, 09:07:16 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: itisnotlogical on February 08, 2014, 05:20:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sigulbard on February 11, 2014, 08:12:13 pm
Who's there?
Dave
Dave who?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: smirk on February 11, 2014, 11:07:06 pm
----------------
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife died of cancer last week."
---------
A man walks into a bar. His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
---------
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam all walk into a bar. Their neighborhood has been hailed as a model of ethnic and cultural diversity.
Post by: Helgoland on February 12, 2014, 12:43:55 am
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam all walk into a bar. Their neighborhood has been hailed as a model of ethnic and cultural diversity.This one could use a twist ending. A car bomb, perhaps?
Post by: smirk on February 12, 2014, 01:33:54 am
I dunno, they don't all hafta be dark. The twist is the same in all three anyway; setup for boilerplate joke/serious take on normally unquestioned part of the premise.A priest, a rabbi, and an imam all walk into a bar. Their neighborhood has been hailed as a model of ethnic and cultural diversity.This one could use a twist ending. A car bomb, perhaps?
Also, on a completely different tack:
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on February 12, 2014, 02:21:37 am
... Seems fitting. I love it.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 12, 2014, 01:08:13 pm
Spoiler: What do you call a cow with one leg? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: What do you call a cow with three legs? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: What do you call a cow with five legs? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Remalle on February 12, 2014, 03:39:40 pm
Spoiler: What do you call a cow with two legs? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on February 12, 2014, 03:53:03 pm
Spoiler: Caution, really terrible (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr. Strange on February 12, 2014, 05:56:26 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: itisnotlogical on February 12, 2014, 11:58:47 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why did the programmer drop out of school?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why does nobody make large Python libraries?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What did the clockwork chicken say?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on February 13, 2014, 12:45:25 am
I shall now have to come up with some bad jokes.
It's a good thing I'm terrible at good ones.
Post by: scrdest on February 13, 2014, 10:07:48 am
Why does nobody make large Python libraries?
Great, now I'm picturing a big hall with snakes in glass jars laying around on bookshelves.
Post by: Sigulbard on February 13, 2014, 04:35:53 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on February 13, 2014, 04:37:35 pm
As soon as the pilots fly, they flee.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 13, 2014, 07:07:01 pm
Post by: Helgoland on February 13, 2014, 07:34:31 pm
Post by: Andrew425 on February 15, 2014, 02:42:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tahujdt on February 15, 2014, 07:21:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on February 15, 2014, 07:44:03 pm
So the white flag can be seen from Berlin.
Post by: pisskop on February 15, 2014, 07:44:36 pm
Why is the Eiffel Tower so tall?Stealing
So the white flag can be seen from Berlin.
Post by: itisnotlogical on February 15, 2014, 08:18:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call an expensive funeral home for dentists?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a grave for plants?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a burial ground for Jaws?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sigulbard on February 15, 2014, 10:27:04 pm
What do you call a burial ground for Jaws?Kept reading that as 'Jews,' so it took me a while to get.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on February 15, 2014, 10:46:45 pm
Post by: HFS on February 16, 2014, 12:58:49 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: kaenneth on February 16, 2014, 01:07:53 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: kaenneth on February 16, 2014, 01:12:57 am
They tried to make a Vegas show of the History of Elvis, with one Elvis per year of his life, but they kept getting out of sequins.
Post by: Kydrasz on February 16, 2014, 10:22:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a fake noodle?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Where do spaghetti go to dance?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do an Irishman get after eating lasagna?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Terrorists have hidden bombs in tins of alphabet spaghetti, if they go off this could spell disaster.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pasta.
Pasta who?
Pass the pizza we're hungry!
Post by: Helgoland on February 16, 2014, 10:58:20 am
A sour Kraut.
Post by: Reelya on February 16, 2014, 11:52:05 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr. Strange on February 17, 2014, 05:53:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on February 17, 2014, 07:16:22 pm
Post by: Reelya on February 17, 2014, 07:29:20 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on February 18, 2014, 01:20:11 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sergius on February 18, 2014, 04:19:48 pm
(And that's just the first guy!)
Post by: Steeled on February 18, 2014, 04:59:37 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Lidku on February 18, 2014, 05:14:54 pm
Looks like the cata forums had a......
TROLL-CAT!
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 18, 2014, 05:28:15 pm
Post by: pisskop on February 25, 2014, 09:52:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tahujdt on February 25, 2014, 10:05:16 am
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 25, 2014, 01:40:28 pm
joke is spoilered for sensitive eyes.SO GOODSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on February 25, 2014, 07:51:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tahujdt on February 25, 2014, 11:29:27 pm
Post by: Morrigi on February 27, 2014, 02:38:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: acetech09 on February 27, 2014, 02:44:12 pm
For example, chili mango:
http://www.candyconceptsinc.com/Chili-Mango-Orange-Jelly-Belly--10-Pounds_p_2552.html
You can spend hours just browsing the jelly bean puns.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on February 27, 2014, 03:33:32 pm
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 20, 2014, 06:26:54 pm
Post by: Helgoland on March 20, 2014, 07:46:29 pm
Because in that field the means of production are still in private hands.
Post by: Megaman on March 20, 2014, 09:26:33 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on March 21, 2014, 10:03:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 22, 2014, 12:41:02 am
"Comrade, if we are on the road to Communism, why are we so hungry?"In the time of the Czars, power was passed from father to son. Now, in the TsK KPSS, it is passed from grandpa to grandpa.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: smirk on March 22, 2014, 12:45:56 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on March 22, 2014, 02:38:38 am
Post by: Helgoland on March 22, 2014, 08:21:56 am
"When we finally achieve communism, will we still be using money?""Comrade, if we are on the road to Communism, why are we so hungry?"In the time of the Czars, power was passed from father to son. Now, in the TsK KPSS, it is passed from grandpa to grandpa.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"No, it'll all be spent under socialism."
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 22, 2014, 10:37:47 am
It's dangerous to go swimming in the Black Sea - you can dive in a Premier, and come up a pensioner (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pitsunda)."When we finally achieve communism, will we still be using money?""Comrade, if we are on the road to Communism, why are we so hungry?"In the time of the Czars, power was passed from father to son. Now, in the TsK KPSS, it is passed from grandpa to grandpa.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"No, it'll all be spent under socialism."
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on March 22, 2014, 10:55:01 am
Armenian radio is asked: "Do all the countries now live in XX century?"
Armenian radio answers: "All exept two - USSR lives in XIXth and Japan lives in XXIst"
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 22, 2014, 11:27:28 am
1980As Armenian Radio jokes go, this one is lame.
Armenian radio is asked: "Do all the countries now live in XX century?"
Armenian radio answers: "All exept two - USSR lives in XIXth and Japan lives in XXIst"
A question for Armenian Radio: "Can a dude get pregnant?"
Armenian Radio: "Undetermined yet, but we're actively researching it."
Post by: Helgoland on March 22, 2014, 05:56:06 pm
"Is there any remedy against a bald head?"
"We do not answer political questions."
(It's about Chrushtshow.)
Post by: Guardian G.I. on March 22, 2014, 05:59:41 pm
The Soviet Union retaliated by launching a rubber bomb on China - 500 million people are dead. The bomb continues to bounce!
Post by: Sheb on March 23, 2014, 05:32:06 am
Post by: Gigaz on March 23, 2014, 05:53:54 am
I like this thread even more since it became the post-soviet terrible joke thread. What's about the Armenian radio anyway?
I only know those under the name Radio Yerevan jokes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio_Yerevan_jokes
Post by: Guardian G.I. on March 23, 2014, 06:29:36 am
— There will be a deficit of sand.
Post by: Knit tie on March 23, 2014, 06:40:59 am
- You mean KPSS?
- He's already been in the SS.
Post by: Guardian G.I. on March 23, 2014, 07:01:50 am
— No, but there will be such a struggle for peace that not even a single stone will be left standing.
Post by: Helgoland on March 23, 2014, 07:41:10 am
-Yey, but it would be a shame about the industry, wouldn't it?
Post by: tahujdt on March 23, 2014, 09:58:13 am
A communist died and went to hell. The devil met with him and asked, "would you like to go to communist hell or capitalist hell?"
The communist replied, "of course I want to go to communist hell."
The devil said, "good choice. In the capitalist hell, they are getting the full hellfire treatment. In the communist hell, they have run out of coal."
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 23, 2014, 10:08:19 am
Post by: Ottofar on March 24, 2014, 02:45:56 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 24, 2014, 03:22:21 pm
I'll just leave this here (http://www.abdn.ac.uk/jokingcomputer/joker.shtml)Cringe-worthy, those jokes are.
I mean, "What kind of husband has a saint john? A family maine." WTF, cyborg?
Post by: burningpet on March 24, 2014, 03:24:33 pm
If you find them offensive, skip those..
What was written on the sign entrance to the gas chambers?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why hitler commited suicide?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Hitler says to himmler: I want to kill 6 million jews and a clown. himmler asks: Why a clown?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What is the difference between a jew and santa clause?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why hitler was a bad pupil?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do you squeeze 6 million jews into a car?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A german officer see a kid walks outside the ghetto, and yell at him : Hey, kid, what are you doing outside!?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on March 24, 2014, 03:25:57 pm
Even worse, he tries to explain them...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 24, 2014, 03:32:38 pm
So Gorbachev summons the ghost of Stalin in desperation, and asks him how to save the country. Stalin replies (thick Georgian accent mandatory): "First of all, repaint the Library of Lenin green. Then shoot every official except yourself." Gorbachev asks, "But why repaint the Library?"
For reference, the Library of Lenin is an enormous pseudo-antique marble building, quite beautiful if you enjoy grandiose things.
Post by: Comrade P. on March 24, 2014, 03:50:15 pm
For reference, the Library of Lenin is an enormous pseudo-antique marble building, quite beautiful if you enjoy grandiose things.
Here comes a pic. (http://lol54.ru/uploads/posts/2009-01/1233076274_035.jpg)
Post by: Helgoland on March 24, 2014, 03:57:12 pm
Post by: burningpet on March 24, 2014, 04:00:39 pm
Why did jews suffer in the holocaust?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Knit tie on March 24, 2014, 05:01:44 pm
Quote
why is a smart road different from a good beast?
one is a bright route, the other is a right brute.
This is so unfunny I almost killed myself.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 24, 2014, 05:05:00 pm
Post by: Knit tie on March 24, 2014, 05:06:27 pm
Quote
what is the difference between a truthful stolen property and a blue garment?
one is a so loot, the other is a low suit.
In addition to being terrible, it's aslo completely incoherent!
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 24, 2014, 05:10:53 pm
Quote from: Joking Computer
what kind of an island has a tongue?
a shoe zealand.
It's not very effective ...
Post by: scrdest on March 24, 2014, 05:13:48 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 24, 2014, 05:23:45 pm
:D
right?
....
....
.... anybody???
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 24, 2014, 05:30:23 pm
Post by: scrdest on March 24, 2014, 05:30:51 pm
I don't think computer appraising is a very profitable career!
:D
right?
....
....
.... anybody???
(http://i.somethingawful.com/forumsystem/emoticons/emot-suicide.gif)
Post by: Dutchling on March 24, 2014, 05:31:52 pm
Quote
What does a Belgian think when he is changing in front of a mirror?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Quote
A Belgian works as a mechanic for a doorbell company. When he gets back from his first job his boss says: "Well, how did it go?". The Belgian answers: "I wasn't able to do anything, I rang six times but nobody answered!"
Quote
Two Belgians are pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks to the front door and the driver rolls down his window. The officer says: "We're looking for two serial rapists". The Belgian lowers the windows and starts talking to the other one.
A few minutes later he rolls his window down again and says: "Okay, we'll do it!".
Quote
A Belgian is taking a walk on a Dutch graveyard. He reads the text on one of the graves: "Jan van Kampen, a good father and a wonderful husband."
The Belgian thinks: "Those greedy Dutchmen, putting three bodies in a single grave..."
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 24, 2014, 05:33:14 pm
Post by: Dutchling on March 24, 2014, 05:34:03 pm
Post by: scrdest on March 24, 2014, 05:36:06 pm
So basically those are just [Nationality_1] jokes with [Nationality_2] inserted instead.
FTFY
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 24, 2014, 05:37:06 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 24, 2014, 05:38:28 pm
Jeez, this is getting POLE-erized.
Oh! It turns out I can projectile-vomit! I didn't know, thanks!
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 24, 2014, 05:39:32 pm
Jeez, this is getting POLE-erized.
Oh! It turns out I can projectile-vomit! I didn't know, thanks!
you're pain causes me much enjoyment.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 24, 2014, 05:41:30 pm
And blood, nothing less! I'm a fountain of undiscovered talent! And blood!Jeez, this is getting POLE-erized.
Oh! It turns out I can projectile-vomit! I didn't know, thanks!
you're pain causes me much enjoyment.
Post by: Dutchling on March 24, 2014, 05:43:28 pm
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What's the fanciest hotel ever?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Where do Jews come from?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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What do you call a Jew with a propane cylinder?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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What are the differences between E.T. and a Moroccan?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on March 24, 2014, 05:47:13 pm
Obama says: "You do not want to risk a war, Putin. We have submarines than can stay underwater for two months."
Putin says: "Why should I be afraid - that's nothing! Our submarines can stay underwater for two years!"
Merkel just chuckles, then makes a phonecall. A few minutes later, a sub surfaces. It is rusty, old-fashioned, and seaweed is growing on it.
The hatch opens, and a man comes out, wearing a very neat uniform: "Sieg Heil! Where can one get diesel in this area?"
Fakeedit: Dutchling, you're a horrible person. Mostly for that Moroccan joke.
I laughed anyway :P
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 24, 2014, 05:49:20 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 24, 2014, 05:56:43 pm
So Obama, Putin, and Merkel are standing on the shore of the Black Sea.
Obama says: "You do not want to risk a war, Putin. We have submarines than can stay underwater for two months."
Putin says: "Why should I be afraid - that's nothing! Our submarines can stay underwater for two years!"
Merkel just chuckles, then makes a phonecall. A few minutes later, a sub surfaces. It is rusty, old-fashioned, and seaweed is growing on it.
The hatch opens, and a man comes out, wearing a very neat uniform: "Sieg Heil! Where can one get diesel in this area?"
Fakeedit: Dutchling, you're a horrible person. Mostly for that Moroccan joke.
I laughed anyway :P
I see...
... what you did there.
Post by: scrdest on March 24, 2014, 05:59:43 pm
So Obama, Putin, and Merkel are standing on the shore of the Black Sea.
Obama says: "You do not want to risk a war, Putin. We have submarines than can stay underwater for two months."
Putin says: "Why should I be afraid - that's nothing! Our submarines can stay underwater for two years!"
Merkel just chuckles, then makes a phonecall. A few minutes later, a sub surfaces. It is rusty, old-fashioned, and seaweed is growing on it.
The hatch opens, and a man comes out, wearing a very neat uniform: "Sieg Heil! Where can one get diesel in this area?"
Fakeedit: Dutchling, you're a horrible person. Mostly for that Moroccan joke.
I laughed anyway :P
I see...
... what you did there.
I lol'd at both this and the Moroccan joke. Brutal, but amusing.
Post by: Mr. Strange on March 24, 2014, 06:04:21 pm
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Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 24, 2014, 06:13:40 pm
What's the difference between black jew and a white jew?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
that is more undescribably racist than... I can... describe!
Post by: Dutchling on March 24, 2014, 06:36:11 pm
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Why didn't the Jews fight in the war?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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How do you get ten Jews in a car?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do you get them out of the car?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Who invented the triathlon?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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The mayors of Pisa, Paris, and New York are sitting in the pub. The mayor of Pisa says "When you stand on top of the Tower of Pisa, you can see the whole city!". The mayor of Paris is not impressed and says "When you stand on top of the Eiffel-tower you can not only see the entire city but also parts of the countryside!". The mayor of New York wants to top his two friends and says "When you stand on top of the World Trade Center you see... remarkable little".
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 24, 2014, 06:39:08 pm
The joke is that the memorial is stupid and they should have chosen a better design :/QuoteThe mayors of Pisa, Paris, and New York are sitting in the pub. The mayor of Pisa says "When you stand on top of the Tower of Pisa, you can see the whole city!". The mayor of Paris is not impressed and says "When you stand on top of the Eiffel-tower you can not only see the entire city but also parts of the countryside!". The mayor of New York wants to top his two friends and says "When you stand on top of the World Trade Center you see... remarkable little".
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on March 24, 2014, 06:56:13 pm
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Post by: Comrade P. on March 25, 2014, 02:33:14 am
So, it is Cold war, and soviet and US atomic submarines with nuclear rockets are on the filed training.
In Soviet submarine, commander yells:
- WHO THREW A FRECKING BOOT ONTO CONTROL PANEL?!
- *silence in soviet submarine*
- WHO THREW THAT YOU MAGGOTS?
The radio was on due to the terms of international training, and US commander makes a remark:
- How undisciplined you russkies are! In America...
... but he is interrupted by Soviet commander who continues to yell:
- THERE IS NO AMERICA NOW, YOU FOOL! WHO THREW THE BOOT ONTO CONTROL PANEL?!
And yet another horrible submarine joke:
Check-up on the submarine which is on a long raid right now:
- Johnson?
- Here!
- Jackson?
- Here!
- Smith?
Nobody answers
- Smith! SMITH!
- Alright, alright, here I am.
- AND WHERE WOULD YOU GO FROM A FRECKING SUBMARINE?!
Most horrible submarine jokes I heard.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 25, 2014, 03:49:38 am
Another military one.
So basically, a sergeant asks his men: "OI, MAGGOTS! Do any of you know any radioelectronics? Somebody has to fix the radio on the APC." One private steps forward and asks, "And is the radio on lamps, or on transistors?" The sergeant rolls his eyes and answers: "For the deaf, I repeat: it's on the APC!"
Do other countries have the "Dig a trench from here to dinnertime" joke?
Post by: scrdest on March 25, 2014, 04:17:10 am
Post by: Sheb on March 25, 2014, 04:30:18 am
Anyway, we do have a lot of frankly horrible pedophile joke. Don't read if you're the kind of person that can be shocked by well, anything.
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Post by: Comrade P. on March 25, 2014, 05:06:29 am
- Soldiers! Today we are to moce these bricks of heavy metal luminium!
- Sir, it's aluminium, and it's pretty light metal, sir!
- Okay! The smartest of you maggots will move bricks of light metal pigironium!
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Post by: Guardian G.I. on March 25, 2014, 05:14:22 am
I wish to derail this thread from pedophile jokes back to army jokes.In Russian pigironium sounds funnier - Чугуниум (Chugunium).
- Soldiers! Today we are to moce these bricks of heavy metal luminium!
- Sir, it's aluminium, and it's pretty light metal, sir!
- Okay! The smartest of you maggots will move bricks of light metal pigironium!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
There are also (terrible) jokes about bombs made out of that material.
The destructive radius of the Chugunium bomb equals the radius of the Chugunium bomb. In order to hit a sector with a Chugunium bomb, one has to drop a sector-shaped Chugunium bomb at it.
Post by: Helgoland on March 25, 2014, 07:40:07 am
Post by: Comrade P. on March 25, 2014, 07:46:27 am
The Nazis actually did pretty much that in WWII - hooray for British naval blockades!O_O
Nazis used chugunium bombs. I never knew.
Post by: Knit tie on March 25, 2014, 10:37:07 am
Officer: Today, soldiers, we're gonna study...uh...study...
Voice from the formation: And study!
Officer: Who said that?
Voice from the formation: Lenin!
Officer: Private Lenin will be cleaning the latrines this weekend for talking during drills!
Post by: Descan on March 25, 2014, 10:44:09 am
Post by: Dutchling on March 25, 2014, 11:20:03 am
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Post by: Helgoland on March 25, 2014, 12:02:46 pm
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Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 25, 2014, 01:50:55 pm
What breaks when you give it to a toddler?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
D:
Post by: gigaraptor487 on March 25, 2014, 03:08:59 pm
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Post by: Knit tie on March 25, 2014, 03:40:31 pm
What is the difference between a pizza and a jew?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What breaks when you give it to a toddler?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I have to mention that, in real life, I would punch whoever said those jokes in the face, but here they are suddenly hilarious.
What have I become?
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on March 25, 2014, 03:44:47 pm
Post by: scrdest on March 25, 2014, 03:47:12 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on March 25, 2014, 03:50:44 pm
What is the difference between a pizza and a jew?Spoiler (click to show/hide)What breaks when you give it to a toddler?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I have to mention that, in real life, I would punch whoever said those jokes in the face, but here they are suddenly hilarious.
What have I become?
One of us...
No, like that:
ONE! OF! US! ONE OF! US!
Part of the ship, part of the crew... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8esIHK8hfA)
Post by: Helgoland on March 25, 2014, 03:52:48 pm
Post by: gigaraptor487 on March 25, 2014, 03:55:03 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 25, 2014, 03:58:13 pm
So a poor family buys a second-hand fridge. They put their food into it and go to sleep. In the morning they wake up to find that the amount of food in it has doubled! They figure it must be the +5 Magic Fridge of Doubling, and sure enough, it is. They put all their savings into it repeatedly and become rich.
So they're flying on a plane to their vacation in the Bahamas, and taking the fridge with them, of course, when suddenly, one of the plane's engines bursts into flame. The stewards start throwing everything out of the cargo hold, but the family realize that they can put the functional engine into the fridge, and all will be fine! So the stewards and our heroes are wrasslin' for the fridge right before the cargo hold's door. Ah, fuck this joke, here's another one.
So a ship has sunk on its way to the Bahamas, and the only survivors are a boy and a girl. They are on a raft. The boy realizes he loves the girl, so he goes, like, "Girl! I love thee!" And she's like "Wha..?" And then he's like, "I WILL SHOW YOU!" But instead of whipping out his junk like all normal people, he dives into the sea. So he's swimming along the bottom of it, and sees a pearl as big as his fist. He decides it's too small, and swims on. Then he finds a pearl as big as his head. Still small. Then he finds one as big as his left testicle. He nods approvingly, throws his arms around it and starts swimming up. So he swims for half an hour, but finally he emerges, ready to present the pearl to the girl, but there's nobody on the raft except for a fridge and a spattering of pureed human.
Post by: Helgoland on March 25, 2014, 04:08:12 pm
Also, Reagen tells the terriblest Soviet jokes~ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A)
Post by: gigaraptor487 on March 25, 2014, 04:14:12 pm
Dafuq?
Also, Reagen tells the terriblest Soviet jokes~ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A)
I imagine somewhere in the ex-soviet archive there is russian reversals with Gorbachev.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 25, 2014, 04:19:27 pm
Post by: Helgoland on March 25, 2014, 04:27:26 pm
Post by: Knit tie on March 25, 2014, 05:25:09 pm
Oooh! Have I told the fridge joke yet?Where's the joke?
So a poor family buys a second-hand fridge. They put their food into it and go to sleep. In the morning they wake up to find that the amount of food in it has doubled! They figure it must be the +5 Magic Fridge of Doubling, and sure enough, it is. They put all their savings into it repeatedly and become rich.
So they're flying on a plane to their vacation in the Bahamas, and taking the fridge with them, of course, when suddenly, one of the plane's engines bursts into flame. The stewards start throwing everything out of the cargo hold, but the family realize that they can put the functional engine into the fridge, and all will be fine! So the stewards and our heroes are wrasslin' for the fridge right before the cargo hold's door. Ah, fuck this joke, here's another one.
So a ship has sunk on its way to the Bahamas, and the only survivors are a boy and a girl. They are on a raft. The boy realizes he loves the girl, so he goes, like, "Girl! I love thee!" And she's like "Wha..?" And then he's like, "I WILL SHOW YOU!" But instead of whipping out his junk like all normal people, he dives into the sea. So he's swimming along the bottom of it, and sees a pearl as big as his fist. He decides it's too small, and swims on. Then he finds a pearl as big as his head. Still small. Then he finds one as big as his left testicle. He nods approvingly, throws his arms around it and starts swimming up. So he swims for half an hour, but finally he emerges, ready to present the pearl to the girl, but there's nobody on the raft except for a fridge and a spattering of pureed human.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 25, 2014, 05:25:38 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 25, 2014, 05:32:37 pm
I think the joke is now he has a bunch of giant pearls?And a +5 Magic Fridge of Doubling. It fell out of the first joke. On the girl. You know.
...I am the only person in the world who finds this joke hysterically funny.
Post by: Helgoland on March 25, 2014, 05:41:03 pm
Post by: Knit tie on March 25, 2014, 05:42:21 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 25, 2014, 05:46:33 pm
That was very meta.That's the point. The problem with this thing is that it's damn impossible to tell right. I usually just break into a fit of laughter just before the ending. I am told I look hilarious when I laugh, so everybody also laughs while I try to stammer out the bit where the girl is crushed by a ballistic fridge.
I have this feeling that I shouldn't be finding people being crushed by ballistic fridges hilarious.
Post by: Knit tie on March 25, 2014, 05:49:14 pm
As an Afghanistan veteran I know says, "death is not funny only if you know the guy who's dying. Otherwise, it's hilarious."That was very meta.That's the point. The problem with this thing is that it's damn impossible to tell right. I usually just break into a fit of laughter just before the ending. I am told I look hilarious when I laugh, so everybody also laughs while I try to stammer out the bit where the girl is crushed by a ballistic fridge.
I have this feeling that I shouldn't be finding people being crushed by ballistic fridges hilarious.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 25, 2014, 05:53:58 pm
That's dark. Especially coming from a war veteran. The "doesn't care about anything anymore" trait springs to mind.As an Afghanistan veteran I know says, "death is not funny only if you know the guy who's dying. Otherwise, it's hilarious."That was very meta.That's the point. The problem with this thing is that it's damn impossible to tell right. I usually just break into a fit of laughter just before the ending. I am told I look hilarious when I laugh, so everybody also laughs while I try to stammer out the bit where the girl is crushed by a ballistic fridge.
I have this feeling that I shouldn't be finding people being crushed by ballistic fridges hilarious.
Post by: Knit tie on March 25, 2014, 06:00:59 pm
Says a dwarf fortress player.That's dark. Especially coming from a war veteran. The "doesn't care about anything anymore" trait springs to mind.As an Afghanistan veteran I know says, "death is not funny only if you know the guy who's dying. Otherwise, it's hilarious."That was very meta.That's the point. The problem with this thing is that it's damn impossible to tell right. I usually just break into a fit of laughter just before the ending. I am told I look hilarious when I laugh, so everybody also laughs while I try to stammer out the bit where the girl is crushed by a ballistic fridge.
I have this feeling that I shouldn't be finding people being crushed by ballistic fridges hilarious.
Actually, the veteran is a very nice, well adjusted guy, he just has an extensive repertoire of morbid jokes people invariably tell in the military.
Here's another one:
What's the difference between a taliban and a goat?
How should I know? They both taste the same.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 25, 2014, 06:06:04 pm
From this point in greater detail. Thou must deliver the morbid jokes!Says a dwarf fortress player.That's dark. Especially coming from a war veteran. The "doesn't care about anything anymore" trait springs to mind.As an Afghanistan veteran I know says, "death is not funny only if you know the guy who's dying. Otherwise, it's hilarious."That was very meta.That's the point. The problem with this thing is that it's damn impossible to tell right. I usually just break into a fit of laughter just before the ending. I am told I look hilarious when I laugh, so everybody also laughs while I try to stammer out the bit where the girl is crushed by a ballistic fridge.
I have this feeling that I shouldn't be finding people being crushed by ballistic fridges hilarious.
Actually, the veteran is a very nice, well adjusted guy, he just has an extensive repertoire of morbid jokes people invariably tell in the military.
Post by: Knit tie on March 25, 2014, 06:15:18 pm
"What do you say when one of your squadmates dies?"
"Dibs on his wife."
Post by: Comrade P. on March 26, 2014, 03:58:01 am
- I feel recoil of my gun, I guess.
Post by: Stuebi on March 26, 2014, 05:22:10 am
How do you smuggle 3 Jews over the German border?
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Im so sorry.
Post by: Helgoland on March 26, 2014, 05:31:17 am
What's the difference between a taliban and a goat?If I ever piss you off in meatspace, remind me to run and not look back.
How should I know? They both taste the same.
What do you do after shooting thirty [X]?
Reload.
WWII has begun; the Germans are steamrolling through Europe; and Goebbels is attending a party hosted by the Swiss ambassador. When he starts to brag about how Germany could invade Switzerland in the blink of an eye, the ambassador says: "All men in our country are trained as soldiers, and they all have a rifle. Once you invade, there will be an army of a million men to oppose you." "And what if we invade with two million men?" "Then we will each shoot twice."
Post by: Knit tie on March 26, 2014, 11:23:31 am
-In America, you have boogeymen, in Germany, you have dwarves, in Spain, you have witches, in Africa, you have ancestor spirits. And what comes in the night to scare you shitless in Russia?
-Partisans.
Post by: Guardian G.I. on March 26, 2014, 12:14:12 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 26, 2014, 02:33:51 pm
What's the difference between a squished skunk lying in the middle of the road, and a squished lawyer doing the same?
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How do you save a lawyer from asphyxiation?
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Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 26, 2014, 02:59:16 pm
---
A lawyer is in a car wreck, a huge smash-up. The policeman runs up and the lawyer is screaming at the other driver, "Look at my Porche! Look at what he did to my Porche!" The cop says, "You lawyers are so materialistic! Can't you see your arm is missing?" Sure enough, the lawyer looks down with dread at his arm and it's been cloven off at the shoulder. The lawyer's eyes snap up to the other driver and he inhales and screams, "He also destroyed my Rolex!"
Post by: Knit tie on March 26, 2014, 07:59:31 pm
As an Afghanistan veteran I know says, "death is not funny only if you know the guy who's dying. Otherwise, it's hilarious."That was very meta.That's the point. The problem with this thing is that it's damn impossible to tell right. I usually just break into a fit of laughter just before the ending. I am told I look hilarious when I laugh, so everybody also laughs while I try to stammer out the bit where the girl is crushed by a ballistic fridge.
I have this feeling that I shouldn't be finding people being crushed by ballistic fridges hilarious.
Aw shit, I think I have posted sojething people can misinterpret. Helgoland already did.
I am not a veteran. A guy I know is a veteran. The bold part above should say "I know a guy who is an Afghanistan veteran and he says". Sorry for the confusion.
Here's a joke as a penance:
Three mothers are talking:
- My Borya draws houses everywhere! He'll be an architect!
- And my Vanya draws cars! He'll have a car selling business!
- And my Vitya will probably be a gynecologist...
Post by: Helgoland on March 26, 2014, 08:09:00 pm
Also, a story my grampa told:
In the war, both sides had loudspeakers on the front that broadcasted propaganda. One of the Russian lines apparently went: "The difference between you and us is the following. On your side, every second soldier has the Iron Cross. On our side, every second soldier has a grenade thrower."
Post by: crazysheep on March 26, 2014, 10:31:04 pm
How can you make such jokes about dead babies?
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Post by: Comrade P. on March 27, 2014, 01:37:39 pm
So, a son rushes into the kitchen and starts to jump while asking his mother to ask him something about geography. "Okay", mother says, and starts to ask him for capitals of different countries.
- Germany?
- Berlin!
- Poland?
- Berlin!
- France?
- Berlin!
- England?
- Berlin!
- Soviet Union?
- Berlin!
- How smart you are, my little Adolf!
Post by: Helgoland on March 27, 2014, 07:40:21 pm
Did Hitler say 'Heil myself'?
Post by: Dutchling on March 27, 2014, 10:54:40 pm
Once in the middle he comes across a whale
He asks the whale "Hey, shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale responds, "Yes".
Post by: Wysthric on March 27, 2014, 11:26:32 pm
A dog goes walking into the forest,
Once in the middle he comes across a whale
He asks the whale "Hey, shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale responds, "Oh my god, a talking dog!!!".
I think I've heard that before...
Post by: Knit tie on March 28, 2014, 12:14:21 am
-Hey, Bob, tell Steve to tell that new guy that we have a dress code here, he needs to shave.
-Steve, tell that hippie that he should shave.
-Hey, I know you're young and rebellous, but listen, we have a team here and all... you need to fit in, so please shave.
-GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I TOLD YOU GUYS I AM A KIWI!!!
Post by: RedWarrior0 on March 28, 2014, 10:49:18 am
Here, it's often a pair of muffins in an oven.A dog goes walking into the forest,
Once in the middle he comes across a whale
He asks the whale "Hey, shouldn't you be in the ocean?"
To which the whale responds, "Oh my god, a talking dog!!!".
I think I've heard that before...
Post by: Dutchling on March 28, 2014, 10:58:02 am
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Post by: Angel Of Death on March 28, 2014, 01:52:34 pm
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Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on March 28, 2014, 02:31:24 pm
What's white and can't climb trees?This is wonderful. I know so few clean jokes.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: itisnotlogical on March 28, 2014, 07:35:39 pm
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Post by: Jimmy on March 29, 2014, 04:17:22 am
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Q: What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
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Q: What's small, round and purple and conquered half the world?
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Q: If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with?
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Q: Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
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Q: Why'd Mrs Grape leave her family?
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A crying woman runs into the police station with all her clothes ripped and her hair everywhere, and says "Officer, I've just been graped!"
The policeman says "Dont you mean raped, miss?"
The woman says, "No I mean graped, there was a bunch of them."
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
A guy walks into the doctor's office, a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a grape stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Post by: Reelya on March 29, 2014, 04:41:46 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yt0b_QBP_A
Post by: Sergius on March 31, 2014, 10:41:10 am
Post by: Helgoland on March 31, 2014, 11:14:35 am
Post by: Knit tie on March 31, 2014, 12:24:17 pm
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Post by: Guardian G.I. on April 01, 2014, 05:05:03 am
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Post by: Helgoland on April 01, 2014, 05:26:11 am
3) Pushkin, writing at his desk.
2) Pushkin, gazing up at the stars.
1) Stalin, reading a book by Pushkin.
Post by: Comrade P. on April 01, 2014, 05:36:56 am
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 01, 2014, 05:41:19 am
The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.
Post by: Jimmy on April 01, 2014, 05:44:54 am
Post by: Helgoland on April 01, 2014, 07:25:30 am
I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.
Post by: Descan on April 01, 2014, 07:52:09 am
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 01, 2014, 08:37:56 am
Well, in fact, nope. The definition of "Soviet" is "pertaining to the Soviet Union". A Soviet functionary might have said that Pushkin was "a critical figure in the literature of the czarist times and dear to the soul of every Soviet citizen" or that "every Soviet citizen should know Pushkin" but not "Pushkin was a Soviet poet". That's ridiculous. The distinction is quite important.I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.
Post by: Helgoland on April 01, 2014, 12:45:09 pm
Okay, of course they wouldn't say "Pushkin was a Soviet poet", but that's different from the claim "He's our poet".Well, in fact, nope. The definition of "Soviet" is "pertaining to the Soviet Union". A Soviet functionary might have said that Pushkin was "a critical figure in the literature of the czarist times and dear to the soul of every Soviet citizen" or that "every Soviet citizen should know Pushkin" but not "Pushkin was a Soviet poet". That's ridiculous. The distinction is quite important.I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.
It might be less controversial to use an actual Soviet writer/poet/musician/whatever, though.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 01, 2014, 01:25:28 pm
Why, a citizen of contemporary Russia can say "Pushkin is our poet", and while I dislike such grandiose statements, I would understand this to mean "Pushkin is important to a contemporary Russian's understanding of poetry" not "Pushkin is a citizen of the Russian Federation", see what I mean? There is a difference.Okay, of course they wouldn't say "Pushkin was a Soviet poet", but that's different from the claim "He's our poet".Well, in fact, nope. The definition of "Soviet" is "pertaining to the Soviet Union". A Soviet functionary might have said that Pushkin was "a critical figure in the literature of the czarist times and dear to the soul of every Soviet citizen" or that "every Soviet citizen should know Pushkin" but not "Pushkin was a Soviet poet". That's ridiculous. The distinction is quite important.I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.
It might be less controversial to use an actual Soviet writer/poet/musician/whatever, though.
You might try using Maiakovsky or Simonov, those are actual Soviet poets to whom a number of monuments was built. Of course, Maiakovsky was born in the Russian Empire, but...
Quote from: Vladimir Maiakovsky
For me, accepting or rejecting the revolution was no question. My revolution.
Post by: pisskop on April 16, 2014, 01:41:42 am
Post by: Gamerlord on April 16, 2014, 02:23:41 am
A dwarf walks into a bar. The severed part flies away in an arc!That's... That's pretty good!
Post by: Arx on April 16, 2014, 02:30:36 am
So there's a man who really, really loves tractors. He has a collection of vintage tractors, his sheets are tractor-print, and so one. Unfortunately, one day he had a terrible accident with one of his tractors and had to spend weeks in hospital. His love of tractors switched to violent hate, he burned his sheets, sold his collection, and so on.
One day, while drinking to drown his sorrows, the bar caught fire. While everyone was panicking, the man stood up and casually whisked all the smoke and hot air out so everyone could leave. When everyone asked how he did it, he simply replied "Oh, it's easy. You see, I'm an extractor fan."
Post by: Sheb on April 16, 2014, 03:17:02 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on April 16, 2014, 03:39:27 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What does the Lone Ranger do when his players don't post their actions in a forum game?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on April 20, 2014, 03:04:23 am
In early XXth century, it was popular to study German in Soviet Union. In 1945, Soviet Army entered Berlin.
In early XXIst century, it is popular to study English in Russian Federation...
And terrible joke alike:
In a while after British Empire removed it's army from Afghanistan, it has fallen apart.
In a shorter while after Soviet Union removed it's army from Afghanistan, it has fallen apart.
I wonder when US will remove their army...
Post by: Sigulbard on April 20, 2014, 05:53:10 am
I wonder when US will remove their army...Afghanistan has fallen apart already before the US could take their troops out.
You guys seen those 'Afghanistan in 1960s' pictures?
Post by: Arx on April 20, 2014, 10:36:05 am
Why did the drow kill the eladrin?
For Lolth.
Why did the zealot kill the zergling?
Because it raised his Aiur.
Very long joke. (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/) Not mine!
Post by: Mr. Strange on April 20, 2014, 04:10:55 pm
I think he meant that British Empire and Soviet Union fell apart after they left Afghanistan.I wonder when US will remove their army...Afghanistan has fallen apart already before the US could take their troops out.
You guys seen those 'Afghanistan in 1960s' pictures?
Post by: Comrade P. on April 21, 2014, 09:57:36 am
I think he meant that British Empire and Soviet Union fell apart after they left Afghanistan.I wonder when US will remove their army...Afghanistan has fallen apart already before the US could take their troops out.
You guys seen those 'Afghanistan in 1960s' pictures?
Exactly.
Post by: Sergius on May 24, 2014, 09:57:22 pm
Post by: TamerVirus on May 25, 2014, 03:59:24 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How did the Japanese man rob a bank?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Redzephyr01 on May 25, 2014, 03:56:53 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on May 25, 2014, 06:40:12 pm
Post by: Blargityblarg on May 26, 2014, 12:00:32 am
Why did Suzy fall off the swing set?Who knocked at the door?Spoiler (click to show/hide)I'm so sorry.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
FTFY
Post by: crazysheep on May 26, 2014, 12:15:50 am
Hey, I got a physicist joke - but there's quite a few of them around here, and I wouldn't like to have to explain it three or four times...
Do it anyway :3
Post by: Arx on May 26, 2014, 12:25:22 am
Hey, I got a physicist joke - but there's quite a few of them around here, and I wouldn't like to have to explain it three or four times...
Do it anyway :3
Not sure if joke or not joke.
Any way, here's one shamelessly lifted from somewhere else I can't remember:
What do you call a snobbish crook going down a flight of stairs?
A condescending con descending.
Post by: Yoink on May 26, 2014, 01:19:03 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on May 26, 2014, 01:22:27 am
Post by: Helgoland on May 26, 2014, 10:17:48 am
What do you call a snobbish crook going down a flight of stairs?Yeah, I'm gonna steal that :P
A condescending con descending.
EDIT:
QED.Hey, I got a physicist joke - but there's quite a few of them around here, and I wouldn't like to have to explain it three or four times...
Do it anyway :3
Post by: squidgen on May 26, 2014, 10:28:31 am
A: No.
Well, neither have they!
That was terrible.
Post by: TheDarkStar on May 26, 2014, 10:48:08 am
"THREE"
"TWO"
"ONE"
*BANG*
Half the bullets go to the right and half go to the left. The statistician pauses, looks around for a moment, and then drops over dead.
Post by: scrdest on May 26, 2014, 11:41:11 am
A statistician is sent to death row for egregious use of statistics. He is tied to a chair and the firing squad gets ready.
"THREE"
"TWO"
"ONE"
*BANG*
Half the bullets go to the right and half go to the left. The statistician pauses, looks around for a moment, and then drops over dead.
Sounds more like a thermodynamics guy. A statistician would complain that the bullet distribution is non-Gaussian.
Also, a painfully lame joke I thought of while sitting through a lecture:
What do you call a science of interactions of substances in the blood?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
/me sees himself out.
Post by: Noel.se on May 26, 2014, 02:38:58 pm
"Hey guys, i think going as Einstein would be a relatively good idea. What about you?"
"Well, I've selected Darwin. Naturally."
"I frequently go as Hertz."
"Gauss, of course. That's a real chick magnet."
"What about Tesla to electrify the party?"
"Nah, Edison is much more direct."
"I'm always uncertain. I may go as Heisenberg this year."
"Currently, Ampere seems like the best choice for me."
"I like the idea of James Prescott Joule, but I don't think I have the necessary energy."
"I'm being pulled towards Newton."
"I'm considering Copernicus, but I'm to humble to go as a scientist. After all, the universe doesn't revolve around me."
"I'l go as Doppler. They will hear me coming."
"Losers. Hubble is the most Stellar costume!"
Post by: Baffler on May 26, 2014, 08:35:42 pm
Very long joke. (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/) Not mine!
The buildup to this was interesting enough that I had forgotten it was even a joke until the very end, I was even a little surprised when the punchline actually came.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: WealthyRadish on May 26, 2014, 11:46:30 pm
Post by: Yoink on May 26, 2014, 11:51:47 pm
Turns out, I was right! :P It certainly was entertaining the first time I read it. Pretty sure I forgot about the joke by the end, too.
Post by: Redzephyr01 on May 29, 2014, 07:16:29 pm
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Post by: JackOSpades on May 30, 2014, 01:46:52 am
Why did the monitor lizard take Viagra?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whats the generic form of Viagra?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Did you hear about the criminal who broke into pharmacies to steal Viagra?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What pill helps old men get layed the most?
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sorry about the last one. rape jokes are never funny, they always seem forced.
Post by: pisskop on May 30, 2014, 01:53:46 am
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on May 30, 2014, 01:57:53 am
Post by: ComputerWarrior on May 30, 2014, 11:46:20 am
Their reason? "We all walked to work; Till today we saved a dollar by doing so but now we are just saving half a dollar! Bring back the old fares!"
Post by: Gamerlord on May 30, 2014, 01:24:27 pm
^^^ He put 5 terrible jokes in that.I only see five... :-\
Post by: Descan on May 30, 2014, 02:00:31 pm
Post by: pisskop on May 30, 2014, 03:13:53 pm
Aye. Yes. I made a joke in the joke thread.^^^ He put 5 terrible jokes in that.I only see five... :-\
Post by: Yoink on June 01, 2014, 06:56:49 am
Spoiler: Inspired by discussion in the Sad Thread (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on June 01, 2014, 07:01:21 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Haspen on June 01, 2014, 01:29:59 pm
Post by: Helgoland on June 01, 2014, 01:45:37 pm
Seriously, though, I think racist jokes are fair game - look back a few pages and you'll see Holocaust jokes the likes of which you've never seen!
Post by: Mr. Strange on June 01, 2014, 02:45:11 pm
What is long, black and little white girls are told to stay away from?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
We need more jokes about white people here...
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on June 01, 2014, 02:46:21 pm
Post by: Haspen on June 01, 2014, 03:04:11 pm
Looking for relatives.
What's the difference between dough and a Jew?
Dough doesn't scream when in oven.
What do you get when you mix an octopus and a black person?
Very efficient cotton gatherer.
dunno if sorry or not :P
Post by: Comrade P. on June 01, 2014, 03:16:31 pm
Black man (N) is interviewed by a reporter (R) [and my comments]:
R: What's your favourite non-american movie?
N: "Chapaev" [A film about Russian civil war]
R: ...
R: But why?
N: I like the motto said by main character
N: "Just wait until we finish off all the whites, Pet'ka, then we'll live much better" [actual quote]
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: RedWick on June 01, 2014, 04:25:17 pm
Two Mennonite.
Post by: ed boy on June 01, 2014, 04:57:16 pm
And english man, a welsh man, and a nigerian man have all recently had babies with their wives, who share their respective nationalities.
The doctor approaches the three, very flustered, and explains extremely politely that the was a terrible mix-up, and that they had completely lost track of which mother gave birth to which baby.
The three fathers were quite understandably irate, and after much bickering, it was decided that they would go into the room one at a time, and take whichever baby they guessed was theirs.
The english man went into the room first, and came out carrying what was quite clearly the nigerian man's baby. The nigerian man noticed this, and voiced his objection, to which the english man replied "You're right, but one of the other two is welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."
Post by: Yoink on June 06, 2014, 06:49:01 pm
Quote from: No Juan Ever
I hate tacos.
Courtesy of the local taqueria.
Post by: hops on June 06, 2014, 06:52:27 pm
No Juan Ever
Why
Post by: scrdest on June 07, 2014, 06:57:46 am
Post by: Jopax on June 07, 2014, 07:07:04 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
:C
Edit:
And before I forget, this one doubles as a very very terrible pickup line:
"You must be Irish girl, because my penis is Dublin."
:CCCCC
Post by: Comrade P. on June 07, 2014, 07:16:56 am
What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?In Soviet and post-Soviet Russia, sciencist is the hero of this joke.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on June 07, 2014, 07:20:08 am
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Post by: miauw62 on June 07, 2014, 07:31:22 am
I was walking down the street one day, when I saw a black man carrying a TV. I thought, "Hey, that looks like mine!", so I hurried home, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
Post by: Jopax on June 07, 2014, 07:33:09 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on June 07, 2014, 08:48:15 am
Post by: Redzephyr01 on June 08, 2014, 02:10:04 pm
Post by: Dutchling on June 08, 2014, 05:14:03 pm
Post by: hops on June 08, 2014, 06:23:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call it when the author of Harry Potter used a paddle boat?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT:
What do you call the game where you toss a heavy ball at the author of HP?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call it when the author of HP is angry?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What is the author of HP's preferred method of athleticism test?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call it when the author of HP lie for a joke?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on June 08, 2014, 07:33:19 pm
Post by: Dutchling on June 08, 2014, 08:27:59 pm
Post by: Redzephyr01 on June 08, 2014, 08:28:47 pm
Post by: Dutchling on June 08, 2014, 08:31:01 pm
Post by: Yoink on June 08, 2014, 08:31:56 pm
Anyway: What do you call it when someone farts under the blankets? A Dutch oven.
What do you call it when someone takes a dump in an oven? Dutch cuisine.
Post by: hops on June 08, 2014, 08:32:25 pm
Post by: Remalle on June 08, 2014, 08:35:58 pm
Post by: Dutchling on June 08, 2014, 08:39:10 pm
Damnit Dutchling, I saw your name as the last post on this thread and got all excited thinking you were contributingSorry.
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his 7 year-old daughter.
The pharmacist is a little shocked and asks, “Your 7 year-old daughter is sexually active?”
“No,” replies the man, “she just sort of lays there and cries.”
Post by: kaenneth on June 08, 2014, 09:08:42 pm
Those poor kids from Sandy Hook, they wanted books but all they got were magazines.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That reminds me, did you hear the one about Dorian Grey?
Man that never gets old.
Post by: Orange Wizard on June 08, 2014, 11:22:25 pm
<"joke" snipped>See, this is why you don't ask Dutchling to make terrible jokes.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on June 08, 2014, 11:24:09 pm
Life!
Life's a pretty terrible joke.
Post by: Arx on June 08, 2014, 11:46:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
/me pulls out the big book of Van Der Merwe jokes
Van der Merwe was watching a rugby test against the British Lions at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - next to Van der Merwe.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked his neighbour.
"It's for my wife."
"But why isn't she here?"
"She died."
"So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your friends?"
"They've all gone to the funeral."
Van der Merwe goes to Paris to watch the Boks take on the Brits at the world cup.
Whilst in Paris, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything - so much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that he has to be rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.
Van goes berserk, he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.
He walks up to Van and tells him "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou knaters uithaal." (Hey Van, the guys must remove your nuts.)
Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat." (Oh, okay, I thought the bastards wanted to take my test ticket.)
Post by: Yoink on June 09, 2014, 11:35:02 am
Post by: Dutchling on June 09, 2014, 11:49:41 am
What's black, has 8 legs, and makes women scream?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on June 09, 2014, 11:55:36 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on June 09, 2014, 12:05:37 pm
Post by: Dutchling on June 09, 2014, 12:10:11 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on June 09, 2014, 12:15:35 pm
A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he says to his wife. "No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies. Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." "It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on. But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow." To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Какого хрена это значит?
Post by: Reelya on June 09, 2014, 12:17:54 pm
Post by: Dutchling on June 09, 2014, 12:17:57 pm
A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he says to his wife. "No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies. Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." "It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on. But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow." To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfWH2AVSrww)
Какого хрена это значит?
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 09, 2014, 12:22:48 pm
Что-то там про оленя Рудольфа, у коего красный нос. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudolph_the_Red-Nosed_Reindeer)A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he says to his wife. "No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies. Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." "It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on. But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow." To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Какого хрена это значит?
Post by: Reelya on June 09, 2014, 12:29:30 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on June 09, 2014, 12:31:59 pm
It's definitely a joke you couldn't translate out of English, because of the pun, plus it's an American song.
That's for sure.
However, sometimes one cannot define whether it rains or it snows in Moscow, that's the true part of the joke.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 26, 2014, 06:34:29 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on June 26, 2014, 07:14:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on June 26, 2014, 07:16:35 am
Post by: Yoink on June 26, 2014, 07:26:20 am
Post by: Dutchling on June 26, 2014, 07:36:51 am
What's the worst thing to do to a blind person?I've heard that one before, but with a Belgian and some candy.
Put them in a circular room and tell them their cup of tea is in the corner.
Post by: Helgoland on June 26, 2014, 09:43:09 am
What's the difference between [X] and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an [X].
Replace [X] as you like.
Post by: Ghazkull on June 26, 2014, 10:25:22 am
Spoiler: Warning French Jokes, if you are easily offended dont open (click to show/hide)
ah and then there is this one:
Obama, Merkel and Putin walk down the French Coast. At some point Obama starts bragging about american submarines. "Hah our submarines can stay below surface for 5 years without ever needed to resupply." To which Putin only laughs and says "That's nothing! Russian submarines can stay below surface for 10 years without ever needing to resupply." Merkel meanwhile only grins silently and the three walk a few more steps before suddenly an ancient german u-boat surfaces directly in front of them. A Hatch springs open and a soldiers jumps out of it screaming: "Heil Hitler! We need more Diesel!"
Here have another evil one:
6 [X] walk down a road. Suddenly a Mercedes drives over two of them. The Mercedes was financed by a loan from Volksbank-Raiffeisenbank (german bank). Whats their motto? - Volksbank-Raiffeisenbank, we clear the way.
4[X] continue down the road as suddenly a Ford hits and runs two more of them. Whats the motto of Ford? Ford feel the difference.
2[X] are remaining and the one says to the other. "Okay you walk on the right side of the road and i on the left side so we can't be hit at the same time. They do so and suddenly a Toyota drives by and kill both of them. Whats the Motto of Toyota? Toyota, nothing is impossible.
okay that are all those i dare tell without massively offending people or breaking forum rules. Apologies if anybody has been offended anyway.
Post by: Dutchling on June 26, 2014, 10:59:21 am
De dokter zegt: "Oh ik zei het al, uit de kom!"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on June 26, 2014, 01:25:40 pm
What's the worst thing to do to a blind person?I've heard that one before, but with a Belgian and some candy.
Put them in a circular room and tell them their cup of tea is in the corner.
Irish version is known here:
Quote
how do you confuse an Irishman?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Or
Quote
how do you confuse an Irishman?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Another Irish joke
Paddy and Mick, two unemployed Irish lumberjacks were walking along when they saw a sign which said "Tree Fellers wanted".
Paddy said "we should go for those jobs!"
Mick said "no way, they want Tree Fellers, and there's only two of us!"
Post by: Arx on June 26, 2014, 01:33:59 pm
Paddy and Mick decide to buy a horse each. So, they go out and buy them, but then Paddy hits on an unexpected snag.
"How are we going to tell them apart?"
"I know!" Mick responds. "I'll get one's tail bobbed."
But due to an accident, both horses end up with their tails bobbed. The two Irishmen are very confused by this, and decide to leave it for a while to think. Some time later, Mick has another stroke of genius:
"I know! I'll take the dun one, and you can take the gray!"
Post by: Comrade P. on June 26, 2014, 01:38:54 pm
So Obama and Putin are flying in a plane, from one Moscow to Washington, for example. There are Obama's bodyguards and Putin's bodyguards on board as well. So they decide to test their devotion. By leap of faith, of course.
When Obama's bodyguard is ordered to jump, he starts protesting with something like "I have a wife, I have children". He is understood and fired.
When Putin's bodyguard is asked to jump, he immediately rushes to the emergency exit and is about to open it when stopped.
"But why do you do that? Don't you have a wife? Children? Have you thought what would happen to them if you jumped?", Obama asks.
"Actually I just though what would happen to them if I wouldn't jump", the grim-looking bodyguard answers.
Never liked this joke.
Also, shortest English joke about Irish folks:
Once an Irishman was passing along the pub.
Post by: pisskop on June 26, 2014, 01:45:45 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on June 26, 2014, 04:08:26 pm
-The Americans are very aerodynamic - whenever they fall down, they fly for a bit so everybody has enough time to see it.
-If we attach a turbine to Jogi Löw's forehead, it could supply a town of 20.000 people with electricity!
-Why even bother with the first 45 minutes? Cut the game in half and let Klose play from the beginning - goal-wise it won't make a difference.
And sorry P., that joke is hilarious and I'll have to tell it to my acquaintances ;)
Post by: Dutchling on June 26, 2014, 04:10:02 pm
Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?
Post by: tahujdt on June 26, 2014, 05:23:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on June 27, 2014, 01:41:09 pm
A nurse runs up to him and says, "Doctor, help! There's a patient dying of blood loss! I need you to stop his heart from bleeding out!" The doctor grimly nods and runs into the room.
Another nurse, unaware that the hard-of-hearing doctor has gone in to save the patient, sends in another doctor. He runs into the room and discovers the hard-of-hearing doc stabbing the patient in the chest with a scalpel.
"What the heck are you doing, doctor?!"
"I took a hypocritic oath, didn't I?"
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 29, 2014, 12:23:35 pm
I like my coffee like I like my women -
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's green and has wheels?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on June 29, 2014, 12:48:31 pm
I like my women like I like my shrimp
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A woman walks into a bar
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do they call women the 'ball and chain'?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on July 01, 2014, 12:10:47 am
Spoiler: This made me so happy. (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on July 01, 2014, 12:17:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazysheep on July 01, 2014, 12:43:47 am
It didn't.Spoiler: This made me so happy. (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on July 01, 2014, 02:13:51 am
It didn't.Spoiler: This made me so happy. (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Post by: Comrade P. on July 01, 2014, 02:25:03 am
A friend once asked me if I could have any one superpower, what would if be?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Gotta friggin' remember that.
Post by: Dutchling on July 01, 2014, 02:27:53 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What did the Jewish child molester say to the boy?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 01, 2014, 05:40:40 am
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Post by: Descan on July 01, 2014, 10:26:13 am
Why do all the gays want to become the Chinese emperor?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: rabidgam3r on July 01, 2014, 06:17:18 pm
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Post by: 4maskwolf on July 05, 2014, 09:05:58 am
A woman finds a mouse in her house, laying on its side. Thinking it is sick, she brings it in the the veterenarian only to be told that the mouse is dead. She responds. "How can you tell?"
The veterenarian goes into a back room, brings out a cat, and passes the cat over the mouse. The cat looks bored and does not react.
"Well maa'm, we did a cat scan and the results came back negative."
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on July 05, 2014, 10:00:10 am
A friend once asked me if I could have any one superpower, what would if be?That's not terrible, that's funny!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Baffler on July 05, 2014, 02:07:52 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on July 05, 2014, 07:04:13 pm
What's the most useless superpower you can have in the world?That joke was genuinely funny. Minus five points.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tahujdt on July 07, 2014, 09:10:50 pm
It's terrible to American nationalists.Nah, I could qualify as a nationalist, and even I agree that America is a pretty useless superpower nowadays.
Post by: Helgoland on July 08, 2014, 05:33:59 am
The latter beat pinatas, while the former beat dead horses.
Post by: Gamerlord on July 08, 2014, 05:35:16 am
Post by: Helgoland on July 08, 2014, 05:57:28 am
Post by: tahujdt on July 08, 2014, 06:44:59 am
What's the difference between Republicans and Mexicans?Hey, those Democrats were dead when I found them!
The latter beat pinatas, while the former beat dead horses.
<_<
>_>
*runs*
Post by: mastahcheese on July 08, 2014, 05:28:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on July 09, 2014, 05:11:05 pm
When he reaches the counter, the server recognizes him, scowls and says, "We don't serve your kind in here!"
Dahmer looks somewhat disappointed, but after a moment's consideration replies, "Ah, that's alright- I'll just have the beef, then."
Post by: IronTomato on July 09, 2014, 09:22:33 pm
You ready? :D
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on July 09, 2014, 09:24:05 pm
Post by: IronTomato on July 09, 2014, 09:25:26 pm
It was inevitable...I-I knew that... Worldmaster-baka.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on July 09, 2014, 09:29:15 pm
Worldmaster-baka.
It was inevitable...
Post by: hops on July 09, 2014, 09:40:51 pm
Post by: hops on July 09, 2014, 09:50:24 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on July 09, 2014, 09:50:48 pm
Post by: Remalle on July 10, 2014, 02:32:11 am
Post by: Sergius on July 10, 2014, 10:12:48 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: kaenneth on July 10, 2014, 11:10:20 am
Post by: Helgoland on July 10, 2014, 12:36:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on July 10, 2014, 12:37:56 pm
What do you do if you don't wan't a little baby brother?You... suffocate your little brother with your ass?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on July 10, 2014, 12:38:46 pm
Post by: GlyphGryph on July 10, 2014, 12:40:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: NAV on July 12, 2014, 10:21:59 pm
The man at the counter replies "This is a concession stand, not a confession stand."
Post by: Baffler on July 12, 2014, 11:09:46 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why don't you ever find hippos hiding in trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on July 13, 2014, 03:48:21 am
Post by: Bauglir on July 13, 2014, 11:30:01 pm
It was inevitable.Most on-topic post in the entire thread. Seriously, man, I cannot congratulate you enough. Fucking nailed the essence of terrible jokes.
Anyway, I've got a contribution.
Spoiler: What's the difference between a man and a bird? (click to show/hide)
Man, that conversation at work got weird.
Post by: crazysheep on July 14, 2014, 02:37:40 am
Spoiler: What shoes do paedophiles work in? (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 15, 2014, 04:20:52 am
Where can you always find a dog with no legs?What's the difference between a Jew and a pie?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why don't you ever find hippos hiding in trees?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on July 15, 2014, 11:36:21 am
Where can you always find a dog with no legs?What's the difference between a Jew and a pie?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why don't you ever find hippos hiding in trees?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: A man walks into a bar. (click to show/hide)
Other, not related, bar jokes.
Spoiler: Two dyslexics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: A horse walks into a bar. (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Two men walk into a bar. (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: A pickle walks into a bar. (click to show/hide)
If you haven't noticed, I love walk into a bar jokes.
Post by: kaenneth on July 15, 2014, 02:14:43 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on July 15, 2014, 05:37:24 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on July 15, 2014, 05:48:03 pm
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, and proceed to order an absinthe and a whiskey. They then discuss at great length the impact of the Burning Shrub story on Jewish theology in the early middle ages, until the barkeeper, unable to control his curiosity any longer, interrupts them: "So what's the deal with you two guys?" "Well", answered the rabbi, "we made a bet how you'd react to the joke having no punchline."Minus five points - I laughed.
Post by: Helgoland on July 15, 2014, 06:07:53 pm
Post by: Reelya on July 16, 2014, 02:55:56 am
If you haven't noticed, I love walk into a bar jokes.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Recluse on July 16, 2014, 08:41:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 16, 2014, 09:17:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"Waiter, waiter! There is a dead squid in my soup!"
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Post by: Gamerlord on July 16, 2014, 09:18:35 am
Why did H.P. Lovecraft cross the road?The first was meh but the second was actually pretty good.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"Waiter, waiter! There is a dead squid in my soup!"Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call the Mad Arab's cookbook?Goddammit you made me laugh and no one around me will understand that joke when I explain it.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on July 16, 2014, 06:41:52 pm
Who's there?
Cthul.
Cthul-who?
Yeah, now let me in already.
Post by: Tawa on July 16, 2014, 06:45:29 pm
Post by: kaenneth on July 17, 2014, 06:23:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
also (http://i.imgur.com/0CtUp6g.jpg) is already a salted snack.
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on July 17, 2014, 09:28:29 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on July 17, 2014, 09:30:52 pm
Post by: pisskop on July 18, 2014, 08:45:39 pm
A man walks into a bar. He notices no difference in pressure.Want to know a really terrible bar joke?
A man walks into a bar and pays 6.50 for a bottle of water.
Post by: Dutchling on July 18, 2014, 08:48:51 pm
Post by: pisskop on July 18, 2014, 08:52:17 pm
6.50 what?dollars. $6.50 for a bottle of water.
6.50 WHAT!?
Post by: Sheb on July 19, 2014, 03:16:15 am
Quote
A man walks into a café and 'plouf'
Quote
A man drinks a café and the chair and tables fall on his face.
Post by: wobbly on July 19, 2014, 02:06:47 pm
6.50 what?
6.50 WHAT!?
6.50 WATTS
Post by: smirk on July 22, 2014, 10:03:23 pm
-------------
A reporter from Bucharest is assigned to write a fluff piece on life in rural Romania. So he gets in his car and heads out into the country, driving until he sees a meadow on his left, and in it a farmer standing next to a large flock of fluffy white sheep. He decides it looks interesting enough, pulls over, and asks the farmer if he would like to be interviewed.
"What, you want to know about the sheep?" asks the farmer.
"Sure!" replies the reporter. "For a start.. um... do you raise these sheep for wool or for mutton?"
"I raise them for everything!" exclaims the farmer. "These sheep grow the finest, warmest, cleanest wool anywhere! It's so fluffy and easy to work with, and the sheep don't run around or make a fuss at all when we shear them. Their wool makes the best and the warmest coats, and hats, and scarves..."
Just then the reporter catches sight of a small shabby-looking herd of black sheep, huddled on their own in a far corner of the field. Intrigued, he points at them and asks the farmer "What about those sheep in the corner there?"
The farmer glances over, frowns, and says "Well, their wool is also just fine, just fine. But these sheep here!" - a grand sweep of his arm indicates the nearby flock - "these sheep give the finest, creamiest, healthiest milk you could imagine! It's so rich and full, it never goes bad, and we make it into the most delicious cheeses you could ever hope to taste! Hard cheeses and soft cheeses and crumbly cheeses..."
The reporter nods along, and then motions to the sheep in the corner again and says "What about those sheep, though?"
The farmer waves a hand dismissively in their direction and says "Well, their milk is also delicious, perfect, yes. But these sheep here! They produce the tastiest, tenderest, most delectable mutton in the world! It can't be overcooked, it's always wonderfully juicy; you would never get tired of eating it!..."
The reporter, puzzled now, points yet again to the flock in the corner and asks "Yes, but those sheep there - what about them?"
The farmer shoots an angry look in that direction and says "Well, their mutton is also wonderful, perfect, of course. But THESE sheep here-"
"Look," says the reporter, "what's the deal with those sheep? Why won't you talk about them?"
"Because," says the farmer, "these sheep here, these sheep are mine!"
"Oh, I see!" says the reporter. "Who do those sheep belong to, then?"
"Well," sighs the farmer, "those are mine too."
Post by: hops on July 22, 2014, 10:09:18 pm
Post by: Tawa on July 22, 2014, 10:29:50 pm
He'll probably die someday. *ba-dum SMASH*
Post by: WorkerDrone on July 23, 2014, 05:40:05 am
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on July 23, 2014, 11:23:36 am
Just kitten.
Post by: Tawa on July 24, 2014, 07:33:23 pm
TVtropesSpeak not of Moria
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on July 28, 2014, 01:17:54 am
Awful and ancient WoW jokes.
Yo mama's so fat I tried to shadowstep her and hit a loading screen.
Why did Illidan get sick after eating some chicken?
because IT WAS NOT PREPARED!
How does a boomkin cut his hair?
eclipse it.
Yo mamma's so fat that chain lightning hits her three times.
How many rogues does it take to kill a paladin?
Two, one to hit the Paladin and the other to wait at the inn.
Yo mamma's so easy her pants have a 100% drop chance.
Whaddya call a bunch of druids taking a bath?
A HoT tub.
What do rerollers and rogues have in common?
They both pick locks.
But yeah, I think I'm addicted to WoW. My microwave just dinged and I yelled gratz at it.
Post by: Yoink on July 28, 2014, 01:21:41 am
But yeah, I think I'm addicted to WoW. My microwave just dinged and I yelled gratz at it.Oh gods I can't breathe
Post by: Orange Wizard on July 28, 2014, 01:45:26 am
Post by: Guardian G.I. on July 28, 2014, 05:21:00 am
"In response to a terrorist attack committed by an unknown party, the United States of America have launched missile strikes at random locations"
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on July 28, 2014, 10:38:25 am
Terrible jokes?
I can think of one, but it's incredibly obscure and most won't get it. It references two things.
What's a Paladin? Strahd knows.
Post by: hops on July 28, 2014, 09:15:25 pm
Why is Albert N. Wilmarth a great bartender?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's the Old Ones' favorite type of flower?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's the Old Ones' preferred type of pure metal?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why did Lovecraft cross the road?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on July 29, 2014, 10:22:35 am
Post by: hops on July 30, 2014, 01:28:03 am
Wow, those are actually are terrible.True Lovecraftian jokes will curdle the blood. :P
Post by: Helgoland on July 30, 2014, 05:30:08 am
No amount will suffice - they just take advantage of the darkness.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on July 30, 2014, 11:55:25 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jimmy on July 31, 2014, 12:01:39 am
---
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
---
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
---
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller.
---
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
---
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
---
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
---
A minister died and to his chagrin found himself at the gates of Hell. The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, "Yes, there is a place for you here," and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a crooked lawyer he had known, and the crooked lawyer was making love to a beautiful woman.
The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. "I admit I sinned when I was alive, but why am I sent to this cell for eternity when that crooked lawyer gets to spend eternity making love to a beautiful woman?"
"Who are you," said Satan, "to quarrel with that woman's punishment?"
---
There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request."
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"
Post by: crazysheep on July 31, 2014, 12:19:59 am
-snip-
that was actually funny, not that terrible :p
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on July 31, 2014, 12:30:57 am
Post by: Gamerlord on July 31, 2014, 04:39:36 am
-snip-*represses urge to rip Slayerhero90's lungs out through his scrotum*
Post by: GavJ on July 31, 2014, 04:47:29 am
Ba-dum-tish!
Post by: Yoink on July 31, 2014, 09:18:59 am
Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional Courtesy.
...I have a longer one that I used to really like, too, but it's late and I don't feel like typing it out right now.
Post by: Dutchling on July 31, 2014, 09:22:11 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on July 31, 2014, 04:33:51 pm
A good start.
Post by: Mr. Strange on July 31, 2014, 06:56:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Molly Renata on July 31, 2014, 06:58:26 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IronTomato on August 01, 2014, 12:02:11 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 01, 2014, 01:12:39 am
for instance
"Q. What's the difference between an endangered animal and a hooker?
A. It's not ok to kill an endangered animal"
"Q. What's the difference between a tazer and a fist?"
A. You shouldn't put a taser in your ass."
"Q. What's the difference between the human anus and a brightly colored shirt?"
A. You shouldn't bleach a brightly colored shirt"
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 01, 2014, 02:49:08 am
Post by: tompliss on August 01, 2014, 02:54:36 am
Ew.This is the proof those terrible jokes were terrible :)
Post by: Gamerlord on August 01, 2014, 05:51:05 am
"Q. What's the difference between a tazer and a fist?"Oh how delightfully naive.
A. You shouldn't put a taser in your ass."
Post by: Dutchling on August 01, 2014, 05:56:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on August 01, 2014, 08:16:27 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on August 01, 2014, 10:38:21 am
After 15 minutes with imgur...Ouch. Looks like somebody clicked on a mine there.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Not sure if this belongs here but it's definitely terrible.Isn't Bert gay? How does he have a son?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 01, 2014, 01:55:05 pm
Post by: pisskop on August 01, 2014, 02:18:02 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on August 01, 2014, 02:18:39 pm
"In Canada y'all watch the TV. In post 9-11 America the TV watches you"Glory to the white north and free.
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 03, 2014, 01:17:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 03, 2014, 02:38:46 am
The second man thinks for a m9memt and replies "Yeah man, they're groovy"
Post by: tahujdt on August 03, 2014, 08:26:22 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 03, 2014, 12:35:24 pm
Surprised nobody has done an Aristocrats! joke.
Ok, a guy walks into a talent agency and asks if he knows of any places that would book his family's act
"Well," says the talent agent "describe the act to me and I'll see what I can do"
"Ok," says the guy, " it starts out with me taking a dump, only the toilet is too small: it's a toilet from a dollhouse, and the shit overflows from it and piles up on top. Meanwhile my brother rides in on a horse, but it's a fake horse made of ice, pulled in on a cart, and his balls are stuck to it because he isn't wearing any pants. Now, the horse is fake, but it's got a compartment in the back filled with real horse shit, and once my brother manages to get unstuck he takes the horse shit and goes into the audience and offers people money to eat it, and whether they eat it or not he buzzes a loud airhorn in their ears after he's done talking to them. Meanwhile my son comes onstage with a real horse and jacks it off onto the ground. Then my wife comes onstage and I pick up my shit from before and drop it on her head. After this, a car pulls onto the stage. We all bow and get into the car , but before it pulls away my cousin comes in from offstage and dumps a bunch 0f anacondas in through the sunroof."
"Good god!"exclaims the agent "Do you have a name for this...act!?"
"The Aristocrats" reples the guy
The talent agent shakes his head, "Actually... actually it doesn't matter anyway. Dickhouse Productions would sue both of us for infringement if you did any of that."
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on August 03, 2014, 12:57:45 pm
Why did the PvP'er cross the road? Because he was feared.
Why did the Hunter cross the road? Feign Death was on cooldown.
Why did the Gnome cross the road? He was riding the chicken.
Why did the Mage cross the road? He didn't, he just missclicked on blink.
Why did the Warrior cross the road? He was charging at the hunter.
Why did the Shaman cross the road? To get away from the Death Knight.
Why did the Death Knight cross the road? The Shaman had a glyphed Grounding Totem.
Why did the Druid fall off his ladder? He wasn't specced into Balance.
Rogues do it from behind.
Paladins do it with Protection.
Warriors do it angrily.
Druids do it like animals.
Hunters do it with animals.
Warlocks scare everyone away.
Death Knights do it with corpses.
Mages do it slowly.
Shaman do it with Totems.
Priests do it in groups.
Monks do it while you're incapacitated.
So have you guys seen Illidan's new shoes? No, yeah, neither has he.
So a gnome asked me if he could borrow a few gold earlier today, I asked him if he was a little short. And that is why I only have one testicle.
I saw a group of 25 people killing a bunch of crocolisks earlier today. Must have been a gator raid.
"I'm a Paladin, small and stout,
here's my mace and here's my mount,
when I see trouble I scream and shout,
pop my bubble and hearthstone out"
Post by: kaenneth on August 03, 2014, 05:14:46 pm
Man and woman sit close on bench to protect from cold. Woman ask "what you like more, me or potato?" Man answer "you". Woman not believe and ask why. Man say "because potato just dream. You not." But is no man. Woman hallucinate from starve.
Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat.
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 03, 2014, 05:35:49 pm
And now for more terrible and mostly incomprehensible WoW jokes.I love you.
Post by: Dutchling on August 03, 2014, 06:12:11 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on August 03, 2014, 06:25:57 pm
The best part about [having] sex with twenty six year olds is that there is twenty of them.
Post by: Helgoland on August 03, 2014, 07:02:49 pm
None.
Post by: Tawa on August 03, 2014, 07:25:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 03, 2014, 07:52:44 pm
Post by: hops on August 03, 2014, 08:31:45 pm
Offensive jokes.
What's black on white?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's white on black?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Redzephyr01 on August 03, 2014, 08:37:54 pm
"Who is there?"
"Dave."
"Dave who?"
Dave began to cry when he realized his grandmother's Alzheimers had progressed to the stage where she no longer recognized her only grandson.
Post by: Tawa on August 03, 2014, 08:40:51 pm
He buys a beer, drinks it, and leaves.
Post by: hops on August 03, 2014, 08:57:49 pm
"Who's there?"
"Cthul."
"Cthul who?"
"f'thagn. Iä! Iä!"
Post by: TheDarkStar on August 03, 2014, 09:26:23 pm
Engineer (after taking some fence and making a circle): "There! That is the most efficient shape."
Physicist (after taking some fence and making a line): "Obviously, the largest possible field takes a fence that goes all the way around the world."
Mathematician (after constructing a tiny fence around himself): "I am on the outside."
Post by: Mr. Strange on August 03, 2014, 09:29:14 pm
A farmer gathers an engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist to make the largest field with the least fence./me takes singe fence pole and sits on it
Engineer (after taking some fence and making a circle): "There! That is the most efficient shape."
Physicist (after taking some fence and making a line): "Obviously, the largest possible field takes a fence that goes all the way around the world."
Mathematician (after constructing a tiny fence around himself): "I am on the outside."
There, everything else is the field.
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 03, 2014, 10:04:13 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on August 03, 2014, 10:30:23 pm
Post by: Bohandas on August 04, 2014, 02:33:56 am
Mathematician/scientist/engineer jokes? There's one I can't really remember... it was about proving that all odd numbers are primes... that might have been this thread, actually...
There was indeed one like that on this thread.
Post by: McDonald on August 04, 2014, 05:49:31 am
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on August 04, 2014, 05:59:23 am
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on August 04, 2014, 07:25:26 am
Post by: Comrade P. on August 04, 2014, 04:45:39 pm
knock, knock
"Who is there?"
"Dave."
"Dave who?"
Dave began to cry when he realized his grandmother's Alzheimers had progressed to the stage where she no longer recognized her only grandson.
- That one terrible German man who made the whole Europe forget everything they knew before...
- Hitler?
- Alzheimer.
Post by: Bohandas on August 05, 2014, 06:22:51 pm
"I don't understand" says the man
"Well," says the dentist, "Everyone knows that 'abscess makes the fart go 'honda''"
Post by: crazysheep on August 05, 2014, 09:50:00 pm
well played..? :3
Post by: Rose on August 05, 2014, 10:11:33 pm
Post by: Lyeos on August 05, 2014, 10:12:04 pm
I don't get it?You know...
Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
That last sentence?
Post by: Rose on August 05, 2014, 11:15:02 pm
I guess I wasn't familiar enough with the saying to get it.
Post by: Morrigi on August 06, 2014, 12:10:07 am
Quote
I just heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airlines jokes. The first one got no response, and the second one went down in flames.
Post by: Bohandas on August 06, 2014, 02:27:54 am
Post by: Ultimuh on August 06, 2014, 05:06:18 am
"If Jesus was betrayed and crucified on Good Friday, then what is a bad friday like?"The 13th.
Post by: Jopax on August 06, 2014, 06:10:27 am
Post by: IronTomato on August 06, 2014, 08:03:45 am
Post by: Haspen on August 06, 2014, 08:17:22 am
How long does an african woman take a dump?
Nine months.
Post by: Dutchling on August 06, 2014, 09:06:06 am
Why did the African man rob the bank?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jopax on August 06, 2014, 09:07:39 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also, yo mamma so fat, that when she steps on a scale a phone number is displayed. And when you call that number a guy answers and says "BITCH LOSE SOME WEIGHT!"
Post by: Dutchling on August 06, 2014, 09:13:16 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Noel.se on August 06, 2014, 11:44:37 am
Spoiler: For all the Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup fans... (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jopax on August 06, 2014, 11:55:43 am
Spoiler: Speaking of tapestries (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on August 06, 2014, 02:22:41 pm
Except for paedophiles, who are just bigger bodies in children.
Post by: Redzephyr01 on August 06, 2014, 03:07:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on August 06, 2014, 05:57:59 pm
"no"
Wanna change that 8)?
Post by: Bohandas on August 07, 2014, 02:22:44 am
A. The white criminal isn't in jail.
Q. What's the difference between a black man who was pulled over by the cops and a black man who owes money to the mafia?
A. The one who owes money to the mob is less likely to be beaten to a pulp
Post by: Bohandas on August 08, 2014, 03:51:09 am
Post by: Something Evil on August 10, 2014, 07:09:37 pm
A: You're shooting Blanks.
Post by: Tawa on August 10, 2014, 07:29:30 pm
"Somebody says 'it', everyone dies."
Post by: Bohandas on August 11, 2014, 11:43:12 am
Q: How is mass-executing individuals with the Pariah gene like male infertility?
A: You're shooting blanks.
Q. How is killing a Tae-Bo instructor like male infertility
A. You're shooting Blanks
Post by: Iceblaster on August 12, 2014, 04:33:22 pm
A: Tell them that their talking is taking air away from others.
Post by: tahujdt on August 13, 2014, 07:56:22 am
A: looking over your shoulder.
Post by: Bohandas on August 14, 2014, 01:19:02 am
"Q. What's the difference between a man and a pig?
A. I'm don't like to have sex with men"
"Q. What's the difference between horse jizz and soymilk?
A. One is good to drink and the other is soymilk."
"Q. How do you get twenty children into a minivan?
A. Crush them into a thick red paste and pump it in through a partially open window"
"Yo mama's so filthy and disgusting that she appeals to my secret fetish"
"Jesus loves you but nobody else does"
"Q. What's the difference between the Holy Bible and Plan 9 From Outer Space?
A. The plot of Plan 9 makes more sense"
"Q. What's the difference between a schizophrenic and a member of the New Age movement?
A. One suffers from powerful and bizarre delusions and the other is schizophrenic."
"Q. What's the difference between a person and a fish?
A. I don't like to eat fish"
"An asian man goes on the Tilt-A-Whirl at an amusement park. To his companions' astonishment, when the ride ends he has become white and is no longer asian. Everyone is baffled by how this can possibly be until the ride operator explains that this kind of ride can be very disorienting."
Post by: Baffler on August 14, 2014, 01:45:32 am
"I like my women like I like my steak: dead"
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on August 14, 2014, 01:57:35 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on August 14, 2014, 02:27:43 am
@Descan: the canon version isSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 14, 2014, 03:01:38 pm
You've probably heard those before, but:
I like my coffee like I like my women -Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I like my coffee like I like my women.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
/me stares at Baffler disapprovingly
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on August 14, 2014, 03:03:36 pm
What do Michelle Obama and George Zimmerman have in common?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 14, 2014, 03:22:08 pm
Might as well post the joke I accidentally posted in the terrified thread here.
What do Michelle Obama and George Zimmerman have in common?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On a similar note (and I wasn't originally going to post this one until a few months passed because atm it pushes the limits of how much bad taste is excusible, but now I think you've forced me to)...
Spoiler: WARNING: Very bad taste. Too soon (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on August 14, 2014, 04:46:31 pm
Post by: kaenneth on August 14, 2014, 04:53:07 pm
Might as well post the joke I accidentally posted in the terrified thread here.
What do Michelle Obama and George Zimmerman have in common?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On a similar note (and I wasn't originally going to post this one until a few months passed because atm it pushes the limits of how much bad taste is excusible, but now I think you've forced me to)...Spoiler: WARNING: Very bad taste. Too soon (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 14, 2014, 06:38:20 pm
Might as well post the joke I accidentally posted in the terrified thread here.
What do Michelle Obama and George Zimmerman have in common?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On a similar note (and I wasn't originally going to post this one until a few months passed because atm it pushes the limits of how much bad taste is excusible, but now I think you've forced me to)...Spoiler: WARNING: Very bad taste. Too soon (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The reports that I heard said that he hung himself with a belt after slashing his wrists. :(
Post by: pisskop on August 14, 2014, 06:43:21 pm
Post by: Bohandas on August 15, 2014, 02:30:09 am
"Q. How is kibble like a dead baby?
A. You feed them both to your dog."
"Q. What's the difference between syphilis and a bouquet of flowers?
A. I've never given my girlfriend a bouquet of flowers."
"Yo mama so fat she has an increased risk of heart disease and arteriosclerosis."
Post by: Bohandas on August 15, 2014, 05:29:19 pm
Man from Nantucket
Does autofellatio
Very long penis
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 15, 2014, 08:24:58 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on August 15, 2014, 08:30:21 pm
"Aw, thanks."
"I'm a funny person too; I just made a joke!"
"What was the jo-
...
..." :l
Post by: Gentlefish on August 21, 2014, 02:20:52 pm
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on August 21, 2014, 02:28:26 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 21, 2014, 02:35:46 pm
Post by: pisskop on August 21, 2014, 02:37:14 pm
Post by: Gentlefish on August 21, 2014, 02:37:20 pm
If Bruce Lee was a structure he'd be Bruce Teepee
If Bruce Lee were candy he'd be Bruce Spree.
This is what my brain is composed of help me.
Post by: hops on August 21, 2014, 02:50:21 pm
If Bruce Lee was a Japanese vampire he'd be Bruce WRYYYYYYY
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 21, 2014, 03:11:30 pm
If Bruce Lee was helping someone get into their house, he'd be Bruce Key.
Post by: Redzephyr01 on August 21, 2014, 03:15:50 pm
Post by: mastahcheese on August 21, 2014, 03:44:45 pm
Post by: TamerVirus on August 21, 2014, 03:58:16 pm
If Bruce Lee was a body part, he would be Bruce Knee
If Bruce Lee was a banker, he would be called Bruce Fee
Post by: Karkov on August 21, 2014, 03:58:39 pm
Deer lord, these jokes are abysmal.
Somehow though, I feel that they're still better than all the Alan Wake jokes.
Post by: mastahcheese on August 21, 2014, 04:00:13 pm
No, not the Alan Wake jokes.
Post by: Nirur Torir on August 21, 2014, 04:07:31 pm
(If Bruce Lee forgot himself, he'd also be Bruce Free)
If Bruce Lee was an insect, he'd be Bruce Bee.
If Bruce Lee was a transformation ray, he'd be "Bruce me!"
If Bruce Lee was clothes, he'd be Bruce Gi.
If Bruce Lee was cloned, he'd be Bruce Re.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on August 21, 2014, 05:22:39 pm
None. They just beat the room for being black.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on August 21, 2014, 05:33:52 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on August 21, 2014, 05:38:35 pm
Post by: Dutchling on August 21, 2014, 05:41:56 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Gentlefish on August 21, 2014, 05:42:42 pm
If you upset the cat, Tardersauce, he'd be Tardercross.
If Groot were footwear he'd be Boot.
If Robin Williams were a sea creature he'd be Robin Squilliams.
If Jennifer Lawrence were a pirate's lover, she'd be Jennifer Lawench.
Post by: Rose on August 22, 2014, 12:15:29 am
Quote from: Kid
Dad, I'm thirsty
Quote from: Dad
Really? Well I'm Friday. Wanna come over on Saturday and have a sundae?
Post by: hops on August 22, 2014, 12:47:31 am
If Bruce Lee was a plant, he'd be Bruce Tree.IT BEGINSQuote from: KidDad, I'm thirstyQuote from: DadReally? Well I'm Friday. Wanna come over on Saturday and have a sundae?
Post by: Rose on August 22, 2014, 12:48:59 am
I'm Kid.
This is one my dad told me.
Post by: Bohandas on August 22, 2014, 11:20:59 am
A.) a RETARDIS
Post by: TamerVirus on August 22, 2014, 02:13:07 pm
One was assaulted
Post by: Gentlefish on August 22, 2014, 05:22:01 pm
You're a-russian.
Post by: Bohandas on August 23, 2014, 01:38:42 am
A.) A penguin being fed into a wood chipper
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 24, 2014, 12:04:02 am
Q.) What's black and white and red all over
A.) A zebra with sunburn
Q.) What's black and white and read all over
A.) A newspaper
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 24, 2014, 12:05:10 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 24, 2014, 12:50:44 am
A.) African-american
Post by: Tawa on August 24, 2014, 12:57:12 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Morrigi on August 24, 2014, 08:26:48 am
Palestine.
Sorry, that was a bit off-color.
Post by: tuypo1 on August 24, 2014, 09:27:55 am
If Bruce Lee was a plant, he'd be Bruce Tree.oh good lord i warned you japa i warned you dad jokes were a bad idea but its to late you will be stuck with them for years nowQuote from: KidDad, I'm thirstyQuote from: DadReally? Well I'm Friday. Wanna come over on Saturday and have a sundae?
Post by: Akura on August 24, 2014, 10:30:43 am
Post by: Gentlefish on August 24, 2014, 08:37:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on August 24, 2014, 10:28:47 pm
*Bruce Lee*
If Bruce Lee had a sex change, she'd be Bruce She
If Bruce Lee was cloned / became a hivemind, he'd be Bruce We
If Bruce Lee was carved in wood, he'd be Bruce Tree
If Bruce Lee was a blood sucking parasite, he'd be Bruce Flea
If Bruce Lee was liquified, he'd be Bruce Tea
Post by: tuypo1 on August 24, 2014, 10:34:04 pm
oh god i love these we came up with so many robin willams ones*Bruce Lee*
If Bruce Lee had a sex change, she'd be Bruce She
If Bruce Lee was cloned / became a hivemind, he'd be Bruce We
If Bruce Lee was carved in wood, he'd be Bruce Tree
If Bruce Lee was a blood sucking parasite, he'd be Bruce Flea
If Bruce Lee was liquified, he'd be Bruce Tea
Post by: hops on August 25, 2014, 04:38:17 am
Post by: tuypo1 on August 25, 2014, 06:36:44 am
Post by: Gamerlord on August 25, 2014, 08:02:45 am
These Bruce Lee jokes are awful!
(Is it weird that when I tried to type out awful I had to redo it because I accidentally typed awesome?)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 25, 2014, 09:00:50 am
i'm sorry
Post by: Phmcw on August 25, 2014, 10:26:10 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tuypo1 on August 25, 2014, 07:36:24 pm
If Brice Lee were a by product of bodily functions, he'd be Bruce Wee.alternativly bruce pee
Post by: Reelya on August 25, 2014, 08:11:16 pm
Post by: Gentlefish on August 25, 2014, 08:16:04 pm
Post by: BadLemonsXI on August 25, 2014, 08:23:13 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on August 25, 2014, 08:26:44 pm
Post by: BadLemonsXI on August 25, 2014, 08:28:51 pm
I'm sure that's the second or third time that's been posted here.I'm not reading 55+ page's of terrible joke's so bare with me here.
Post by: BadLemonsXI on August 25, 2014, 08:30:32 pm
My favourite was outside a pub:Oh so very true.
There are two people in this world: Those that like bacon, and those that are wrong.
Post by: Gentlefish on August 25, 2014, 08:31:23 pm
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
You got it wrong, it's those who don't know binary, those who think it's a binary joke, and the rest of us.
Post by: Descan on August 25, 2014, 08:42:03 pm
You totally should, they're all shit.I'm sure that's the second or third time that's been posted here.I'm not reading 55+ page's of terrible joke's so bare with me here.
Post by: BadLemonsXI on August 25, 2014, 08:43:03 pm
You got it wrong, it's those who don't know binary, those who think it's a binary joke, and the rest of us.But if you write it in 4-bit it just doesn't sound as funny.
You totally should, they're all shit.LoL.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on August 25, 2014, 08:57:53 pm
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sergius on August 25, 2014, 09:57:23 pm
Post by: Baffler on August 25, 2014, 10:17:58 pm
Post by: Gamerlord on August 26, 2014, 12:44:11 am
Preaching to the choir mate.My favourite was outside a pub:Oh so very true.
There are two people in this world: Those that like bacon, and those that are wrong.
Post by: Tawa on August 26, 2014, 12:46:32 am
:(
Wait! I've got it!
There are two types of people: the people who thought this was an actual joke up to this point and me.
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 26, 2014, 12:52:28 am
Yeah, why are you trying to preach in the middle of choir practice?Preaching to the choir mate.My favourite was outside a pub:Oh so very true.
There are two people in this world: Those that like bacon, and those that are wrong.
Post by: BadLemonsXI on August 26, 2014, 02:19:01 am
I don't get it.Yeah, why are you trying to preach in the middle of choir practice?Preaching to the choir mate.My favourite was outside a pub:Oh so very true.
There are two people in this world: Those that like bacon, and those that are wrong.
Post by: Tawa on August 26, 2014, 02:33:16 am
A "staaaahp" infection
Post by: tahujdt on August 26, 2014, 07:39:36 am
I get to call the choir director at my church out on preaching to the choir on multiple occasions.Yeah, why are you trying to preach in the middle of choir practice?Preaching to the choir mate.My favourite was outside a pub:Oh so very true.
There are two people in this world: Those that like bacon, and those that are wrong.
Post by: TamerVirus on August 26, 2014, 09:00:24 am
7/5 people can't do fractions.
It is estimated that 47% of all statistics are made up
Post by: Bohandas on August 26, 2014, 09:16:47 am
A.) Eminenema
Post by: Gentlefish on August 26, 2014, 06:45:06 pm
Post by: Redzephyr01 on August 26, 2014, 09:30:57 pm
"Well, how did that happen?"
"I don't know, I planted onions!"
Post by: NAV on August 27, 2014, 01:47:29 am
Because his career was in ruins.
Post by: Bohandas on August 27, 2014, 02:12:39 am
A.) It was the quickest route to get it from the slaughterhouse to the supermarket.
----------------------
Q.) Why did the psychic medium kill herself?
A.) To get to the other side.
Post by: TamerVirus on August 27, 2014, 11:35:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 28, 2014, 01:57:24 am
Q.) What do you call a rapper who unblocks yoir colon
A.) Eminenema
I cannot pronounce it.
It's a portmanteau of "Eminem" and "enema", if that helps.
Post by: pisskop on August 28, 2014, 09:39:42 pm
Post by: Bohandas on August 29, 2014, 02:08:41 am
A.) Mackerelmore
Post by: Biowraith on August 29, 2014, 03:37:56 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 29, 2014, 10:52:05 am
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Q.) What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A.) Dung
Post by: mastahcheese on August 29, 2014, 12:14:03 pm
But you know what's never too cheesy?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: scrdest on August 29, 2014, 03:38:10 pm
I was considering telling a joke about a pizza, but it'd be too cheesy.
But you know what's never too cheesy?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You obviously never had freshly melted cheese.
Post by: Sergius on August 29, 2014, 03:49:31 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 29, 2014, 03:58:27 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on August 29, 2014, 05:25:53 pm
Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for the rest of his life, but teach a fish to man and he will never feel like he belongs.
Post by: hops on August 30, 2014, 12:09:35 am
What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an exasperated internet message (e.g. ERRRMAGAAAHD I GOTAT GTE HOEM TOO MAEK DINNAR)stahp
A "staaaahp" infection
Post by: Sergius on August 30, 2014, 12:47:06 am
What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an exasperated internet message (e.g. ERRRMAGAAAHD I GOTAT GTE HOEM TOO MAEK DINNAR)stahp
A "staaaahp" infection
hammertime?
Post by: Biowraith on August 30, 2014, 01:36:44 am
What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an exasperated internet message (e.g. ERRRMAGAAAHD I GOTAT GTE HOEM TOO MAEK DINNAR)stahp
A "staaaahp" infection
collaborate and listen?
Post by: Tawa on August 30, 2014, 02:28:48 am
In hammerspace.What do you call an infection that makes you sound like an exasperated internet message (e.g. ERRRMAGAAAHD I GOTAT GTE HOEM TOO MAEK DINNAR)stahp
A "staaaahp" infection
hammertime?
The hammerspacetimecontinuum.
STOP
PHYSICS TIME
I need some sleep and should stop posting before a joke crosses the line.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 30, 2014, 02:43:53 am
Teach a man to fish, and he won't go hungry again. Teach a fish to man, and you'll need a bigger boat.
Post by: Mr. Strange on August 30, 2014, 03:29:14 pm
Post by: hops on August 30, 2014, 05:19:02 pm
"So! We meet at last, imposter. If you truly are enlightened, tell me, what is the meaning of life?"
Master Chao looked up at him calmly, and answered. "Mu."
And then nobody was enlightened, because they don't speak Chinese.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 30, 2014, 05:49:33 pm
Post by: Jimmy on August 30, 2014, 06:28:10 pm
Thank you, imgur! (http://imgur.com/gallery/PZiOn)Thank you so much for these. Made my morning.
Post by: hops on August 30, 2014, 07:15:36 pm
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Post by: Gentlefish on August 30, 2014, 07:48:06 pm
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".
The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".
The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Ayyy that programmer's got it right
Post by: Bohandas on August 31, 2014, 01:39:37 am
An English sailor once heard that deep in the Chinese mountainside, there is a Chao who understands the meaning of life, and it isn't God. Enraged by this, he set sail there and climbed up the mountain to find a flock of Chaoes. Asking a nearby chinese man where the enlightened one is, he pointed to the robed Chao, chewing on the grass.
"So! We meet at last, imposter. If you truly are enlightened, tell me, what is the meaning of life?"
Master Chao looked up at him calmly, and answered. "Mu."
And then nobody was enlightened, because they don't speak Chinese.
A man seeking enlightenment was instructed by a guru to meditate for a week in a particular room in a crumbling partially destroyed abandoned mansion at th1e edge of town. On the second night the ancient piping of the lavatory on the level directly above him burst, spilling wastewater down omto him, and for the rest of the week the passers-by looking into the mansion through its missing walls argued over weather he was a holy man or a shithead
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 31, 2014, 10:35:13 am
Quote
We wanted to make it better, but it turned out like always.
We completed all the points of the plan, from A to B.
We must save face. Then we will have to save our other bits.
All my life I have lived in an athmosphere of oil and gas.
Better than vodka there is nothing worse.
The government is not that organ which, as it is said, it's only possible to do with your tongue.
You shouldn't rig a cart in the middle of the horse.
Teachers and doctors want to eat too. Nearly every day!
I can speak to anybody in any language, but I try not to use this instrument.
I will refrain from speaking a lot, lest I say something again.
Post by: Helgoland on August 31, 2014, 10:43:29 am
Quote
We must save face. Then we will have to save our other bits.Loved this one.
Post by: Bohandas on August 31, 2014, 11:55:48 am
I dunno if those count as "jokes", but here are some quotes from the late prime minister of Russia, Chernomyrdin.QuoteWe wanted to make it better, but it turned out like always.
We completed all the points of the plan, from A to B.
We must save face. Then we will have to save our other bits.
All my life I have lived in an athmosphere of oil and gas.
Better than vodka there is nothing worse.
The government is not that organ which, as it is said, it's only possible to do with your tongue.
You shouldn't rig a cart in the middle of the horse.
Teachers and doctors want to eat too. Nearly every day!
I can speak to anybody in any language, but I try not to use this instrument.
I will refrain from speaking a lot, lest I say something again.
Those sound a lot like the kind of things George W. Bush was infamous for saying:
"I know how hard it is to put food on your family"
"Fool me once: shame on you. Fool me twice: can't get fooled again"
"Rarely is the question asked: 'Is our children learning?'"
"Oour enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and neither do we"
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 31, 2014, 12:17:22 pm
Quote
Condoleeza Rice is a simple Texan girl, like me.
I believe that humans and fish...can coexist peacefully.
NASA is still interested in space.
I wish to retain the executive power of the President not only for me, but also for my future predecessors.
The time has come when the human race must enter the solar system.
Your Majesty - Queen Elizabeth the Eleventh.
Yo, Blair.
Yeah, Africa is a nation!
In the ast few months I've been learning from Al-Quaeda!
I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best.
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 31, 2014, 03:27:50 pm
His grammar's worse than that. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20Jcrk6jGfo)QuoteI believe that humans and fish...can coexist peacefully.
Speaking of terrible jokes, the US government.
Post by: Morrigi on August 31, 2014, 06:29:28 pm
The difference was that Chernomyrdin's sayings were more often than not right in his own weird kind of way, and he seemed self-aware ("I won't talk too much, lest I say something again"). Still, here's some more Bushisms. I reverse-translate those from Russian, so they might not be correct, but heck.Jesus Christ, is Bush the only language Google Translate can translate without butchering?QuoteCondoleeza Rice is a simple Texan girl, like me.
I believe that humans and fish...can coexist peacefully.
NASA is still interested in space.
I wish to retain the executive power of the President not only for me, but also for my future predecessors.
The time has come when the human race must enter the solar system.
Your Majesty - Queen Elizabeth the Eleventh.
Yo, Blair.
Yeah, Africa is a nation!
In the ast few months I've been learning from Al-Quaeda!
I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best.
Post by: inteuniso on August 31, 2014, 06:39:27 pm
Post by: SalmonGod on August 31, 2014, 06:58:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(can't take credit for the joke... it's from a Facebook friend)
Post by: Bohandas on September 01, 2014, 01:37:36 am
Q.) How do you pick up Branch-Davidian women?
A.) With a dustbuster.
Post by: scrdest on September 01, 2014, 06:40:50 am
Here's one that's both insensitive and extremely dated
Q.) How do you pick up Branch-Davidian women?
A.) With a dustbuster.
Ugh, god, I feel horrible for laughing.
Post by: Redzephyr01 on September 01, 2014, 03:12:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr. Strange on September 01, 2014, 04:45:40 pm
An English sailor once heard that deep in the Chinese mountainside, there is a Chao who understands the meaning of life, and it isn't God. Enraged by this, he set sail there and climbed up the mountain to find a flock of Chaoes. Asking a nearby chinese man where the enlightened one is, he pointed to the robed Chao, chewing on the grass.Mu
"So! We meet at last, imposter. If you truly are enlightened, tell me, what is the meaning of life?"
Master Chao looked up at him calmly, and answered. "Mu."
And then nobody was enlightened, because they don't speak Chinese.
Post by: Bohandas on September 02, 2014, 01:49:00 am
What would an anime about Cthulhu piloting a giant robot be called?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Q.) What do you call an anime about giant robotic beer cans?
A.) Gurren Lager
Post by: Rose on September 02, 2014, 02:01:16 am
Post by: hops on September 02, 2014, 02:36:05 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on September 02, 2014, 02:50:21 am
10 Best hentai series:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on September 02, 2014, 02:57:35 am
Post by: DJ on September 02, 2014, 09:42:14 am
Post by: Reelya on September 02, 2014, 09:45:39 am
Post by: Dutchling on September 02, 2014, 09:55:51 am
Post by: Bohandas on September 02, 2014, 11:14:30 pm
A.) Plump his helmet
Post by: hops on September 03, 2014, 08:39:07 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A programmer was going through a pack of cigarettes while with his friend. The friend became concerned and asked "Why are you smoking so much? Haven't you seen the warning on the package?"
"Well," the programmer puffed, "I haven't thrown an error yet."
Post by: scrdest on September 05, 2014, 01:03:29 pm
There are two kinds of people in the world:
a) Those who can extrapolate.
---
Helium walks into the bar. The bartender says 'I'm sorry, we don't serve to noble gases'.
Helium does not react.
Post by: McDonald on September 05, 2014, 03:44:26 pm
Helium does not react.I laughed out loud.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 06, 2014, 09:03:14 pm
Post by: McDonald on September 07, 2014, 05:57:00 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 07, 2014, 06:02:52 pm
There is no pun.
If there is, I will lynch you.
If there is not and I am right, I will lynch you quickly.
:P :P
Post by: TheDarkStar on September 07, 2014, 06:21:05 pm
sorry
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 07, 2014, 06:25:42 pm
Well, as good as a pun can be. ;)
Post by: McDonald on September 07, 2014, 06:27:57 pm
You can lynch me now.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 07, 2014, 06:30:48 pm
/me survives for 30 agonizing minutes, then dies in a most horrific and painful matter
Post by: acetech09 on September 07, 2014, 06:57:01 pm
/me lynches McDonald with fire. Lots of fire. Also hammering.
/me survives for 30 agonizing minutes, then dies in a most horrific and painful matter
HAHAHAhahahaheheh... hehehheh...
That wasn't a terrible joke, was it.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 07, 2014, 09:38:18 pm
The joke was his life. :P
Post by: Squeegy on September 07, 2014, 09:45:29 pm
Post by: ggamer on September 07, 2014, 11:51:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 08, 2014, 12:56:54 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on September 08, 2014, 04:38:26 am
Stolen from the Europol thread:
What does the Scotsman say?
If you don't secede at first, try again.
Post by: Tawa on September 08, 2014, 05:08:04 pm
Spoiler: HORRIBLE REFERENCE-JOKE BEWAAAAAAAAAARE (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on September 10, 2014, 01:21:41 am
Spoiler: bad taste (click to show/hide)
EDIT: also...
Q.) What's the difference between Sarah Palin and The Mad Hatter?
A.) the hatter's tea party made more sense.
Q.) What's the difference between Elvis Presley and God?
A.) God is dead.
...or alternately...
Q.) What's the difference between 2Pac and God?
A.) God is dead.
Post by: hector13 on September 10, 2014, 08:51:40 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's green and smells like yellow paint?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's black and white and red all over?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's black and white and red all over?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's black and white and red all over?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's black and white and laughing?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's white and blue and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's big, red and hard to eat?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on September 10, 2014, 09:13:08 am
Spoiler: this is legit awful (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on September 10, 2014, 09:16:28 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on September 10, 2014, 09:16:56 am
Why did Suzie fell off the swing?You're my hero sometimes.Why did nobody help her up?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Knock knock, who is there?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on September 10, 2014, 01:47:38 pm
Q.) What's the difference between Sarah Palin and The Mad Hatter?
A.) the hatter's tea party made more sense.
Sadly, this one is actually a true statement.
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 11, 2014, 01:28:23 am
Why did Suzie drop her ball?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on September 11, 2014, 02:30:09 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on September 11, 2014, 03:25:10 pm
It promises an all day long session of waterboarding at the beautiful sunny coast of Guantanomo Bay, followed by a mindblowing five day "Sleepless in Seattle" tour, after which the guests will be shown to their private quarters at an exciting undisclosed area, for the remainder of their indefinite stay.
Post by: Arx on September 11, 2014, 03:33:28 pm
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.
Post by: Comrade Shamrock on September 11, 2014, 06:38:46 pm
No really, it can happen.
Post by: 4maskwolf on September 12, 2014, 08:34:42 am
What's the difference between being hungry and horny?Oh god that joke...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I do not know people dirty enough to be told that jokeYep.
Post by: Arx on September 12, 2014, 08:48:45 am
With an itheberg.
Courtesy of the substitute teacher.
Post by: Erils on September 12, 2014, 09:07:16 am
Why did Suzie fell off the swing?Why did nobody help her up?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Knock knock, who is there?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
wow...
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on September 12, 2014, 09:20:09 am
Those are probably the tamest jokes Dutchling's posted so far.Why did Suzie fell off the swing?Why did nobody help her up?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Knock knock, who is there?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
wow...
Post by: Comrade P. on September 12, 2014, 10:41:45 am
So an Irishman walks out of a pub.....
No really, it can happen.
This even reaches Russia, where I heard it first.
Post by: Gentlefish on September 15, 2014, 08:49:21 pm
No really, I cut him up and put them there myself.
Post by: tahujdt on September 15, 2014, 09:16:06 pm
They're all over the news.
Post by: drone1230 on September 15, 2014, 11:01:36 pm
A: More than ten, my basement is still dark.
Post by: ggamer on September 17, 2014, 08:15:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 17, 2014, 08:18:38 pm
How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?That's been done roughly three times now. I did it once, and someone did it a while before that...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
;3
Post by: ggamer on September 17, 2014, 09:21:09 pm
Post by: Helgoland on September 18, 2014, 04:12:03 am
You beat people because they're black?How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?That's been done roughly three times now. I did it once, and someone did it a while before that...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jimmy on September 18, 2014, 06:16:21 am
What did the leper say to the prostitute?All my yes. Bravo sir.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 18, 2014, 07:33:26 am
Maybe?You beat people because they're black?How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?That's been done roughly three times now. I did it once, and someone did it a while before that...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on September 18, 2014, 07:39:46 am
Only on arbor day and July 4thMaybe?You beat people because they're black?How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?That's been done roughly three times now. I did it once, and someone did it a while before that...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on September 18, 2014, 09:13:39 am
Only on arbor day and July 4thMaybe?You beat people because they're black?How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?That's been done roughly three times now. I did it once, and someone did it a while before that...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Beating a black man sounds like a thing not to be done, it's like screwing up a complicated instrument.
EDIT: This is bad jokes thread, ok?
Post by: c6r on September 18, 2014, 07:49:48 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on September 18, 2014, 09:38:40 pm
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts!"That's actually a good joke. -1 for being actually funny without being overly insulting.
Post by: Sergius on September 18, 2014, 10:21:16 pm
That's actually a good joke. -1 for being actually funny without being overly insulting.
A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says,"Well... I can clearly see your nuts!""LOL I SEE UR BALLS U FAG"
Fix'd.
Post by: ggamer on September 18, 2014, 10:27:25 pm
FTFFYA man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and says,"Well... I can clearly see your nuts!""LOL I SEE UR BALLS U FAG""I don't give counselling to poor people who cannot pay their psychiatric fees"
The man had a serious mental condition, and died cold and hungry in the street three days later
Post by: Bohandas on September 19, 2014, 02:36:17 am
A.) Crib death
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 19, 2014, 03:28:39 am
Post by: Dutchling on September 19, 2014, 10:44:53 am
Post by: Sergius on September 19, 2014, 10:51:28 am
Which kind of toast can fly? A plain toast.
Post by: gigaraptor487 on September 19, 2014, 12:49:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on September 19, 2014, 12:51:50 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 19, 2014, 12:55:25 pm
Post by: gigaraptor487 on September 19, 2014, 01:02:50 pm
Post by: Phmcw on September 19, 2014, 01:08:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Morrigi on September 19, 2014, 01:10:01 pm
What does jk Rowling says in front of literrary critics?...That was just painful.QuoteThey see me, Rowling. They're rating...
Post by: gigaraptor487 on September 19, 2014, 01:11:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jiharo on September 19, 2014, 01:30:24 pm
"I want to live in Middle Earth! I want to be an elf! And... and... I want to be wise, noble and for everyone to love me!"
Genie says "Well, it's more than three but okay," makes some arcane gestures and geek loses his consciousness.
When he comes to he finds himself in a beautiful room, decorated with wonderful art. He spies a mirror and lo! he is indeed a majestic elf. He walks out of room into the hallway, and it's filled with elves who bow to him. Suddenly, a messenger rushes into hallway.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Phmcw on September 19, 2014, 01:48:35 pm
Geek, an extreme Tolkien fan, frees a genie who offers him three wishes.
"I want to live in Middle Earth! I want to be an elf! And... and... I want to be wise, noble and for everyone to love me!"
Genie says "Well, it's more than three but okay," makes some arcane gestures and geek loses his consciousness.
When he comes to he finds himself in a beautiful room, decorated with wonderful art. He spies a mirror and lo! he is indeed a majestic elf. He walks out of room into the hallway, and it's filled with elves who bow to him. Suddenly, a messenger rushes into hallway.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I don't get it.
Post by: gigaraptor487 on September 19, 2014, 01:51:29 pm
Geek, an extreme Tolkien fan, frees a genie who offers him three wishes.
"I want to live in Middle Earth! I want to be an elf! And... and... I want to be wise, noble and for everyone to love me!"
Genie says "Well, it's more than three but okay," makes some arcane gestures and geek loses his consciousness.
When he comes to he finds himself in a beautiful room, decorated with wonderful art. He spies a mirror and lo! he is indeed a majestic elf. He walks out of room into the hallway, and it's filled with elves who bow to him. Suddenly, a messenger rushes into hallway.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You know the joke is truly awful when you have to google the punchline.
Post by: scrdest on September 19, 2014, 01:53:28 pm
Geek, an extreme Tolkien fan, frees a genie who offers him three wishes.
"I want to live in Middle Earth! I want to be an elf! And... and... I want to be wise, noble and for everyone to love me!"
Genie says "Well, it's more than three but okay," makes some arcane gestures and geek loses his consciousness.
When he comes to he finds himself in a beautiful room, decorated with wonderful art. He spies a mirror and lo! he is indeed a majestic elf. He walks out of room into the hallway, and it's filled with elves who bow to him. Suddenly, a messenger rushes into hallway.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I don't get it.
As far as I can tell... he got cast as the villain.
Post by: Phmcw on September 19, 2014, 02:05:38 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on September 19, 2014, 11:00:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on September 21, 2014, 11:56:13 am
How many Space Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many Chaos Space Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many Eldar does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many Orks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many Imperial Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on September 21, 2014, 01:22:31 pm
What does jk Rowling says in front of literrary critics?/me crushes Phmcw under a house for rap jokesSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iceblaster on September 21, 2014, 02:55:32 pm
Q: Why did America stay in Iraq so long?
A: They were waiting for the ticking warscore.
Paradox Interactive Games jokes... Woo!
EDiT: Page 69.
Insert jokes about sixty nines here :P
Post by: scrdest on September 21, 2014, 03:07:15 pm
What do you call an animal that starts to croak when it gets too numerous?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on September 21, 2014, 07:02:30 pm
If we're doing bad Paradox jokes...
What do you call an animal that starts to croak when it gets too numerous?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
pfffft
Post by: Graknorke on September 21, 2014, 07:41:22 pm
Post by: Bohandas on September 22, 2014, 02:01:12 am
A.) "dung"
Post by: timferius on September 22, 2014, 11:21:04 am
A man walked in to a bar...
... Ouch!
Post by: gigaraptor487 on September 22, 2014, 12:05:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: mastahcheese on September 22, 2014, 12:53:55 pm
Post by: Arx on September 22, 2014, 12:59:43 pm
Post by: McDonald on September 22, 2014, 03:19:48 pm
.
.
.
:-\
Post by: Dutchling on September 22, 2014, 03:27:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do you blind fold an Asian?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why can't two Asians have a white baby?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Draxis on September 22, 2014, 04:31:32 pm
Q.) What's brown and sounds like a bell?What's brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?
A.) "dung"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on September 22, 2014, 05:05:20 pm
How do Asians name their children?Bad jokes these are. Bad shourd you feer about them.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do you blind fold an Asian?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why can't two Asians have a white baby?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on September 22, 2014, 08:22:17 pm
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!
Post by: Bohandas on September 23, 2014, 01:05:25 am
How many Chaos Space Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I thought chaos space marines preferred multicolored strobe lights
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 23, 2014, 02:04:25 am
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!
Post by: crazysheep on September 23, 2014, 02:16:13 am
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Morrigi on September 23, 2014, 02:18:50 am
Under Slaneesh, maybe. The rest... Probably not.
How many Chaos Space Marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I thought chaos space marines preferred multicolored strobe lights
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 23, 2014, 02:29:30 am
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Morrigi on September 23, 2014, 02:39:27 am
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: McDonald on September 23, 2014, 03:24:11 am
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on September 23, 2014, 07:23:57 am
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on September 23, 2014, 09:07:58 am
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on September 23, 2014, 03:32:09 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 23, 2014, 03:50:04 pm
DRY HUMPINGI would sig this, but I'd look weird with it in my sig.
Post by: Sheb on September 23, 2014, 03:51:01 pm
Post by: Tawa on September 23, 2014, 03:52:27 pm
Sigtextman to the rescue!DRY HUMPINGI would sig this, but I'd look weird with it in my sig.
*DA NA NA NA NA NA NA*
Post by: Sheb on September 23, 2014, 03:57:06 pm
Post by: Bohandas on September 23, 2014, 04:26:08 pm
Customer: Waiter! There's a fly in my food!This one doesn't even make sense.
Waiter: Then stop screwing it!Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on September 23, 2014, 04:38:00 pm
Post by: Bohandas on September 23, 2014, 05:32:30 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 23, 2014, 05:34:00 pm
Post by: hector13 on September 23, 2014, 10:12:20 pm
It's also incredibly annoying to read.
Don't read it then! We do not force your eyes open! with matchsticks! and tie your hands behind your back! and open each and every link individually! for your own viewing pleasure!
'tis the terrible jokes thread. There are meant to be many, many facepalm moments. Particularly ones involving a chuckle and then that guilty feeling that you've just laughed at something you really probably shouldn't have.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Edit: Furthermore, I would also sig the dry humping thing, alas I like the one I have more, and there are like a million characters in it so it doesn't fit :(
Post by: MaximumZero on September 23, 2014, 10:41:56 pm
A: Game of Thrones. I mean, it was written by George Arr Arr Marrrrtin!
Post by: Akura on September 24, 2014, 07:05:15 am
Q: What's a pirate's favorite series?
A: Game of Thrones. I mean, it was written by George Arr Arr Marrrrtin!
/me will pirate series to see if true.
Post by: Baffler on September 24, 2014, 09:28:00 am
Q: What's a pirate's favorite series?
A: Game of Thrones. I mean, it was written by George Arr Arr Marrrrtin!
/me will pirate series to see if true.
Aye, can confirm that.
Post by: Dutchling on September 24, 2014, 10:14:29 am
Post by: McDonald on September 24, 2014, 03:48:22 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 25, 2014, 04:21:11 am
-snip-If you don't get it,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on September 25, 2014, 09:05:00 am
The following week, he walked in with another 2 million vietnam dong, and was handed $84.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Vietnamese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted,
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Post by: scrdest on September 25, 2014, 11:11:27 am
A Vietnamese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2 million vietnam dong and walked out with $100.
The following week, he walked in with another 2 million vietnam dong, and was handed $84.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Vietnamese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted,
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
I get the punchline, but I can't see how the guy misunderstood what the teller said beyond the 'fluc'.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 25, 2014, 11:24:38 am
Post by: scrdest on September 25, 2014, 11:40:23 am
Fuck you asians.
Aughhhhh. The paaaain.
/me doesn't care about anything anymore.
Post by: Sergius on September 25, 2014, 11:41:23 am
Dwarves and midgets have very little in common.
No big deal.
Post by: Parsely on September 25, 2014, 11:57:57 am
You people are awful at understanding simple jokes.Fuck you asians.
Aughhhhh. The paaaain.
/me doesn't care about anything anymore.
Post by: hops on September 26, 2014, 05:40:03 am
Post by: Mr. Strange on September 26, 2014, 06:39:25 pm
"You get used to anything in life, except icicle up your ass."
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cthulufaic on September 26, 2014, 06:41:29 pm
Spoiler: so uh... it's an abortion joke. Thou hast been warned (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr. Strange on September 26, 2014, 06:44:57 pm
I'm going to hell in first class it seems...
Post by: 4maskwolf on September 26, 2014, 11:51:05 pm
What kinds of hiccups do evil people get?I don' geddit...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BadLemonsXI on September 28, 2014, 02:43:06 am
I don' geddit...Yo' don' good den'
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 28, 2014, 08:15:14 pm
"Diabolic" meaning (roughly) "evil".What kinds of hiccups do evil people get?I don' geddit...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on September 28, 2014, 08:17:31 pm
I know what it means, but I don't get the joke."Diabolic" meaning (roughly) "evil".What kinds of hiccups do evil people get?I don' geddit...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 28, 2014, 08:18:30 pm
Post by: Dutchling on September 28, 2014, 10:21:22 pm
Post by: MaximumZero on September 28, 2014, 10:36:51 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 28, 2014, 11:04:41 pm
I would have gone with "Diabol*hic*s", personally.Nono, that's an evil drunk.
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 29, 2014, 03:13:12 am
But what's the pun? :xI'm not even sure there is one, honestly. I can't remember who made it, but he sucks at puns. Yeah. That'll show him.
Post by: Dutchling on September 29, 2014, 03:14:48 am
I should look at the thread's title more often >.>
Post by: Sheb on September 29, 2014, 03:38:45 am
Mao and Stalin are negociating, and the Chinese leader ask his Soviet counterpart for help:
"In order to further the revolution, we need a billion dollars, 50 millions tons of coal and 50 millions tons of rice!"
So Stalin turns to his aide and say "Dollars yes, coal yes, but where will Bierut* find 50 millions tons of rice?
*The Polish communist leader
Why did Rokossovski became the Marshal of the Polish Army?
It's cheaper to dress one Russian in a Polish uniform than to dress the whole Polish army in Russian uniforms.
Two friends were walking down the street and one ask the other what he thinks of Bierut. The other look furtively around and say "Not here".
So the first take the second to a side street and ask him again his opinion of Bierut. Again, he looks around and say "Not here"
So they go to the basement of a abandonned factory, and again the first ask the second his opinion on the leader. "Well, I quite like him actually."
Post by: Sergius on September 29, 2014, 12:35:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on September 29, 2014, 05:49:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on September 29, 2014, 08:34:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 30, 2014, 12:52:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many New Zealanders does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BadLemonsXI on September 30, 2014, 01:02:30 am
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?I got to save this somewhere. XD hahahahahaSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazysheep on September 30, 2014, 01:11:11 am
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?Alternate answer, submitted by a friend:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on September 30, 2014, 11:45:03 pm
What kinds of hiccups do evil people get?I don' geddit...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
apparently it's an old-timey term for chronically recurring hiccups
Post by: Bohandas on October 01, 2014, 11:07:45 pm
A: As many as will fit
Q: How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just beat the room for being black.
EDIT:
Q: What do you call it when a bunch of bulls ejaculate on you?
A: Moo-kkake
Post by: Dutchling on October 02, 2014, 02:22:25 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: DreamThorn on October 02, 2014, 06:43:57 am
What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire?FTFYSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: McDonald on October 05, 2014, 04:57:24 am
Post by: hops on October 05, 2014, 06:02:34 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Graknorke on October 05, 2014, 06:58:29 am
Q: How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?How many police officers does it take to break an egg?
A: None, they just beat the room for being black.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on October 05, 2014, 07:11:09 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 05, 2014, 05:24:49 pm
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Post by: Morrigi on October 07, 2014, 10:48:45 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on October 08, 2014, 01:54:36 am
Post by: aenri on October 08, 2014, 07:38:42 am
i mean dyslexia
fcuk
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 08, 2014, 10:05:55 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 08, 2014, 07:43:15 pm
Post by: BadLemonsXI on October 08, 2014, 07:49:05 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 08, 2014, 07:50:15 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 08, 2014, 08:10:41 pm
he's haxing my compooper
i gotta call the 9911135
hury!!!!!!
Post by: Redzephyr01 on October 08, 2014, 09:34:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on October 08, 2014, 09:53:01 pm
How did the hipster burn his tongue?I prefer this answerSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sergius on October 09, 2014, 02:59:17 pm
Post by: Jopax on October 09, 2014, 03:01:50 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How can you recognize a scotsmans house?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on October 09, 2014, 03:05:54 pm
Two Scots spotted the same coin.
Post by: Dutchling on October 09, 2014, 03:54:56 pm
How was wire invented?First time I see that one on another nation's expense :P
Two Scots spotted the same coin.
Post by: Helgoland on October 09, 2014, 06:25:46 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 09, 2014, 09:21:31 pm
Post by: XhAPPYSLApX on October 10, 2014, 12:22:43 am
I guess that means his eye is bloodshot then! ;D
(More of a pun than a joke, but oh freaking well I suppose.)
Post by: tahujdt on October 10, 2014, 08:24:41 am
Post by: hops on October 10, 2014, 08:29:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on October 10, 2014, 10:09:52 pm
A. Incognito Mussolini
Post by: Gentlefish on October 11, 2014, 04:20:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Octobomb on October 11, 2014, 04:42:32 pm
Food puns really take the cake, it's far too low a form of humour for us upper crust of society they say, sarcasm is the sweetest humour they say, but I just find it unpalateable without a pun as the cherry on top.
This has turned into quite the punricane although extreme weather can make you quake. If you erupt when your friends laugh off this deadly threat I will have sympathy. Allow me to tide you over by saying that you will live and tsun armi troops will save you from your shelter.
Puns are humor too, I swear! Shit!
Post by: Tawa on October 11, 2014, 09:26:39 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on October 12, 2014, 09:53:11 pm
A. Boo-kkake
Post by: ggamer on October 12, 2014, 09:53:48 pm
Q. What's a ghost's favorite genre of fetish porn
A. Boo-kkake
w
hmm?
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 12, 2014, 11:31:35 pm
Post by: hops on October 13, 2014, 12:57:15 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 13, 2014, 01:07:29 am
That's all you really need to know.
Let's move on.
Post by: Yoink on October 13, 2014, 01:19:40 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Morrigi on October 13, 2014, 01:24:45 am
How do you take a shit in the woods?That was awful. Shitty, even.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on October 13, 2014, 01:30:47 am
A. Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 13, 2014, 01:41:47 am
Post by: Bohandas on October 13, 2014, 01:44:05 am
A. It was being brought to the slaughterhouse.
-----
President Obama's election was unusual not just because he's black, but also because his previous occupation was wandering around asking people for change.
-----
Q. How many weapons researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. That information is classified.
Post by: hops on October 13, 2014, 03:47:35 am
Bukkake is a sex act.Well obviously given the context that's kind of obvious.
That's all you really need to know.
Let's move on.
I feel kind of ashamed that I don't know what it is, but I'm quite certain I'd be ashamed for knowing what it is as well if I looked it up.
EDIT:
(http://i.imgur.com/Tw0628f.jpg)
Post by: Comrade P. on October 13, 2014, 08:59:18 am
Spoiler: PLOT TWIST (click to show/hide)
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 13, 2014, 09:14:21 am
A cat walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notes how ridiculous this is, because cats can not speak, nor are their thought processes complex enough to do even something as simple as ordering a drink at a bar. The bartender wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. Grateful to be returned to a world that makes sense, he rolls over and tells his wife, but she does not share his enthusiasm. Indeed, their 26-year marriage has begun to sour as of late. The bartender cries.
PS: Nice active transport joke, Objective. ;)
Post by: Sergius on October 13, 2014, 10:26:47 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tahujdt on October 13, 2014, 11:00:11 am
Post by: Parsely on October 13, 2014, 11:02:20 am
Post by: tahujdt on October 13, 2014, 11:06:00 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 13, 2014, 07:49:21 pm
All in all, while technically, yes, the sentence does have a verb, it's still a piss-poor sentence and makes no sense as a question.
Post by: TheDarkStar on October 13, 2014, 08:52:12 pm
Well, there's no associated verb. "why did seven eight nine?" is a terrible sentence, partly because "to do" in English is only rarely used on its own. There's also the issue of listing three words without commas/semicolons/ands, and there is no indication of which is the subject or which is the object.
All in all, while technically, yes, the sentence does have a verb, it's still a piss-poor sentence and makes no sense as a question.
"Did" is a helping verb; it can't stand on it's own in a correct sentence.
Post by: tahujdt on October 13, 2014, 08:54:58 pm
They start debating grammar.
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 13, 2014, 10:06:55 pm
"Did" is a helping verb; it can't stand on it's own in a correct sentence.That's what I said.
Post by: Bohandas on October 13, 2014, 11:36:46 pm
Q. What's a ghost's favorite genre of fetish porn
A. Boo-kkake
Q. What's an astronaut's favorite sexual fetish?
A. Space docking.
Q. What's a mathematician's favorite sexual position?
A. Sixty-nine
Q. What's a NASCAR driver's favorite sex move?
A. Autofellatio
Post by: Comrade P. on October 14, 2014, 07:47:59 am
So two forumites walk into a Terrible Jokes thread.
They start debating grammar.
Which reminds me.
Apparently, a guy who was proofreading Hitlers' speeches was literally a grammar nazi.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 14, 2014, 03:16:38 pm
We're terrible, terrible people.
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 14, 2014, 05:54:41 pm
Post by: Yoink on October 14, 2014, 06:13:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on October 14, 2014, 06:15:29 pm
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Post by: Orange Wizard on October 14, 2014, 06:42:00 pm
Why did Mr. Citrus push his ex-wife off the balcony?THESE ALLEGATIONS ARE FALSESpoiler (click to show/hide)
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED
Post by: Yoink on October 14, 2014, 07:30:09 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 14, 2014, 07:41:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 14, 2014, 07:43:51 pm
I give up.
/me puts a gun to his head.
Know that it was you who drove me to this.
...
*blam*
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 14, 2014, 07:54:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on October 14, 2014, 07:59:02 pm
/me gets a glass.
Post by: Tawa on October 14, 2014, 08:02:44 pm
Liches are necromancers by default.
Post by: hops on October 14, 2014, 08:03:11 pm
Nevermind, too easy.
Post by: Yoink on October 14, 2014, 08:13:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BadLemonsXI on October 15, 2014, 01:24:35 am
(http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/287/3/0/eating_ii_by_badlemonsxi-d82vxgs.gif)
Image before this. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=143429.msg5723111#msg5723111)
Image before this. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=143429.msg5723111#msg5723111)
Post by: Gentlefish on October 15, 2014, 03:20:06 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 15, 2014, 08:40:01 am
Post by: BadLemonsXI on October 15, 2014, 06:02:23 pm
Oh god damnit how far back does this go.
Really far.Does what go?
Joke:
Whats orange and shakes?
Post by: Nirur Torir on October 15, 2014, 07:21:27 pm
Joke:Here's my guess.
Whats orange and shakes?
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/11872122/2014/Misc%20Bay12/14-10-15%20Intensified%20Pumpkin%20Viking.gif)
Post by: BadLemonsXI on October 15, 2014, 07:40:54 pm
Here's my guess.Damnit it won't load.
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/11872122/2014/Misc%20Bay12/14-10-15%20Intensified%20Pumpkin%20Viking.gif)
Post by: redwallzyl on October 15, 2014, 07:53:15 pm
its descan with a pumpkin headHere's my guess.Damnit it won't load.
(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/11872122/2014/Misc%20Bay12/14-10-15%20Intensified%20Pumpkin%20Viking.gif)
Post by: Bohandas on October 15, 2014, 08:02:17 pm
A. OJ
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 15, 2014, 09:10:19 pm
Eventually, the mechanic arrives and takes a look at the engine. "It might take me a while to figure out the problem", he says.
"That's all right", says the penguin, "there's an ice cream place just up the road. I'll get some ice cream while I wait."
The penguin buys a cone of ice cream. He pecks it (because he doesn't have a tongue) and the ice cream falls on the floor.
"Darn", he says, "I guess I'll have to get another." He pecks at it again, and the same thing happens. The penguin tries again, and again, until he had ice cream all over him. "Oh, well", he thinks. "It's been a while now, I guess I'll go back to my car."
As he approaches the car, the mechanic looks up at him and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh, no, no, no", replies the penguin, "It's just ice cream."
Post by: crazysheep on October 15, 2014, 11:08:01 pm
Post by: McDonald on October 16, 2014, 01:47:32 am
Post by: Rose on October 16, 2014, 01:52:44 am
Post by: Iceblaster on October 16, 2014, 08:09:51 am
"I lost a great grandfather in a concentration camp."
"Oh, my God. I'm sorry-"
"He fell off the guard tower."
Post by: Dutchling on October 16, 2014, 08:11:54 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What did the Jewish peadophile say to the child?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on October 16, 2014, 08:32:00 am
Post by: timferius on October 16, 2014, 08:44:11 am
I think Dutchling is going to make us all go to Heil.
Good terrible joke opportunity lost.
Post by: Bohandas on October 16, 2014, 09:05:44 am
Found this on reddit. Reporting it here.
"I lost a great grandfather in a concentration camp."
"Oh, my God. I'm sorry-"
"He fell off the guard tower."
There's a real gpod version of this joke in the movie Postal during the sequence about the nazi themed amusement park.
Post by: Prudent Viper on October 16, 2014, 12:51:27 pm
Post by: Helgoland on October 16, 2014, 12:52:02 pm
Now I have skeletons in the closet.
Post by: scrdest on October 16, 2014, 12:58:17 pm
What's the best way to get a Jewish girls number?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What did the Jewish peadophile say to the child?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why are Jewish men circumcised?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That last one is great.
Which dictator was the most fashion-conscious?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on October 16, 2014, 06:08:46 pm
Why do polack girls use dildos?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 16, 2014, 06:19:32 pm
This kid from the midwest worked really hard and got into Harvard, so on his first week there, he's trying to find the library. A Harvard man walks the kids, so the kid goes to ask him for directions. The Harvard man has probably got a building named after his uncle or something.
"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"
The Harvard man looks down over the top of his glasses at the kid and replies "Here at Harvard, we do not end our sentences in a preposition."
The kid, admonished, says "I'm sorry. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?
Post by: Descan on October 16, 2014, 10:25:27 pm
/me slurps more juice
Post by: Dutchling on October 17, 2014, 05:22:43 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 17, 2014, 01:51:43 pm
Post by: McDonald on October 17, 2014, 02:41:15 pm
Post by: Octobomb on October 17, 2014, 05:14:17 pm
Hey guys, I made a reddit bot which tells jokes from this thread, thank you for your contributions! :DYou are an awful, awful person and I want to try it so bad.
Post by: McDonald on October 17, 2014, 05:24:10 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 17, 2014, 05:47:27 pm
Post by: McDonald on October 17, 2014, 05:50:16 pm
Post by: hops on October 17, 2014, 06:06:43 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 17, 2014, 07:13:40 pm
What do you get if you cut a bread in zero-sized portions?aaaaaauuuuuurrrrrgggghhhhSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 17, 2014, 07:18:49 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: McDonald on October 18, 2014, 03:50:21 am
What do you get if you cut a bread in zero-sized portions?*Facedesk*Spoiler (click to show/hide)
By the way, my bot is now always ready to tell a joke! Go on reddit and make a comment containing "tell me a joke" somewhere!
Post by: Octobomb on October 18, 2014, 06:15:36 am
By the way, my bot is now always ready to tell a joke! Go on reddit and make a comment containing "tell me a joke" somewhere!For those interested (http://www.reddit.com/r/botwatch/comments/2jjmem/hello_im_uterriblejokebot/)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 18, 2014, 08:20:39 am
Post by: Sheb on October 18, 2014, 09:34:01 am
Post by: McDonald on October 18, 2014, 11:54:10 am
Heh, I saw one I had posted in there. :)Which one?
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 18, 2014, 11:56:30 am
Post by: Dutchling on October 18, 2014, 12:08:13 pm
Quote
"The cultists stood in a circle, chanting in an ominous chorus. The new guy was way off-key so the demon they summoned was missing an arm."
Quote
"He returned home to find the soldiers killed his parents. And an owl ate his dog. And his grandma exploded. "Nothing is left for me here.'"
Quote
"'I am Jindo, the horse man,' he told them. Jindo the horse man was 0% horse, but he was like a horse in that he had sex with horses."
Quote
"Her lower body was chipmunk but her torso and head was human. 'I am a Chipmunkotaur,' she mumbled through a mouthful of acorns."
Post by: McDonald on October 18, 2014, 12:16:53 pm
Quote
"'They've taken Seer McRehnas prisoner!' he told her. Dread filled half of her bowels (the other half was already filled with turds)."
Why? Just why?
Post by: scrdest on October 18, 2014, 12:46:28 pm
Quote
"The Dwarves sat down for a game of Offices & Executives. Thimlo, playing as Ted the Lawyer, rolled a 9 to dial out with his +1 desk phone."
That's actually a pretty amusing little idea. Reminds me of Discworld's reverse-goth vampire teenagers.
Post by: McDonald on October 18, 2014, 01:15:12 pm
Post by: Helgoland on October 18, 2014, 01:18:44 pm
I need to invent a terrible joke containing the words "tell me a joke".A priest, a preacher and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barman says: "So do you have an act, or do you want to just tell me a joke?"
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 18, 2014, 02:59:55 pm
Just stumbled upon @AwfulFantasy (https://twitter.com/AwfulFantasy). This stuff is golden."Epilogue
If you, the readers, do not send me $1,000,000 in unmarked bills by Jan 1, I will kill off the main character of my book series."
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 18, 2014, 04:17:55 pm
Quote
"The magic tome flew across the room, slamming shut on Ben's head, crushing it. Jellena readied her axe, 'Well, that's one for the books.'"
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 18, 2014, 10:13:55 pm
What is that from? I want to find the author and stab him.Quote"The magic tome flew across the room, slamming shut on Ben's head, crushing it. Jellena readied her axe, 'Well, that's one for the books.'"
Post by: hops on October 19, 2014, 04:19:46 am
:>What do you get if you cut a bread in zero-sized portions?Dutchling's jokes are terrible because they're borderline whatever]-ist. That is terrible because it... is just inherently terrible.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
My eyes started to water, so I think my subconscious is crying.
Post by: Gentlefish on October 19, 2014, 04:26:45 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on October 19, 2014, 04:39:44 am
Post by: aenri on October 19, 2014, 07:59:04 am
Just stumbled upon @AwfulFantasy (https://twitter.com/AwfulFantasy). This stuff is golden.
Dat Jellena girl was made for this thread.
Quote
"The evil wizard chef trapped the heroes in a house made out of bread dough. Jellena readied her axe, 'We knead to get out of here.'"
Quote
"The jousting knight was about to charge Ben when the remaining heroes arrived. Jellena readied her axe, 'Looks like we're joust in time.'"
Quote
"The magic tome flew across the room, slamming shut on Ben's head, crushing it. Jellena readied her axe, 'Well, that's one for the books.'"
Post by: DJ on October 19, 2014, 08:00:37 am
Post by: Draxis on October 20, 2014, 08:40:22 am
Quote
"After impaling Ben, the haunted bicycle turned hungrily to the remaining heroes. Jellena readied her axe, "Let's stop this vicious cycle.'"
Quote
"The darkness enveloped him like a letter being put in an envelope. And he was being mailed off to Deathtown, first class. Postage paid."
Quote
"'That is a fancy blade you carry,' he snarled. 'Can you use it?' Onis nodded, then chopped up the carrot and added it to the stew.
Quote
"The deep voice bounced off the walls of the large room. The echo was cold, evil and evenly distributed, like Socialism."
Quote
"It was a being from another dimension. It looked like what you might feel if you smelled your own thoughts burning. It was that abstract."
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 20, 2014, 09:51:43 am
Quote
"'Class, wizards use the five elements in magic: Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Heart. No one uses Heart, so I wont bother teaching it.'"
Quote
"Tedras bolted awake. Turns out that everything that happened in the poorly reviewed book seven was just a dream!"
Post by: The Darkling Wolf on October 20, 2014, 10:42:25 am
Post by: Arx on October 20, 2014, 12:17:18 pm
How do you find the area of a pentangle?
It's quite easy, you just ask the inhabiting demon.
Post by: Helgoland on October 20, 2014, 12:19:56 pm
Post by: Gentlefish on October 20, 2014, 01:53:51 pm
The giant squirrels fixed their beady eyes on the intruding adventurers and charged. Jellena readied her axe, "Let's get out of this nuthouse."
Post by: timferius on October 20, 2014, 02:00:41 pm
Here's my stab at a Jellena.10/10 would pun again.
The giant squirrels fixed their beady eyes on the intruding adventurers and charged. Jellena readied her axe, "Let's get out of this nuthouse."
Post by: Gentlefish on October 20, 2014, 02:09:03 pm
The emperor had turned out to be a demon, and killed Ben after promising eternal suffering. Jellena readied her axe, "Your Devilishly good looks won't get you anywhere."
Post by: hops on October 20, 2014, 02:14:33 pm
E:
Ben screamed as a stranger suddenly stabbed him in the guts. Jellena readied her axe, "Knife to meet you."
Post by: Sheb on October 20, 2014, 03:30:57 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 20, 2014, 03:43:31 pm
THEY"RE NOT EVEN TERRIBLE
JUST UNAPOLOGETICALLY SHIT
Post by: mastahcheese on October 20, 2014, 03:44:06 pm
THESE JOKES ARE SHIT
THEY"RE NOT EVEN TERRIBLE
JUST UNAPOLOGETICALLY SHIT
Post by: hops on October 20, 2014, 04:00:12 pm
The mountain rumbled as the avalanches came tumbling down. Jellena started running, "Oh schist!"THESE JOKES ARE SHIT
THEY"RE NOT EVEN TERRIBLE
JUST UNAPOLOGETICALLY SHIT
Post by: Gentlefish on October 20, 2014, 05:06:53 pm
Post by: pisskop on October 20, 2014, 05:08:57 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 20, 2014, 07:54:15 pm
I hate you. All of you. With a fire, unending and hate-fueled. A passion, brighter than the sun. I hate you.
ALL OF YOU
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE
HAAATE
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 20, 2014, 07:59:26 pm
Post by: pisskop on October 20, 2014, 07:59:49 pm
^^bad ninga
Post by: hops on October 20, 2014, 08:04:25 pm
Post by: pisskop on October 20, 2014, 08:09:24 pm
---
With sigh of relief, Bob hefted the giant bell-hammer over his shoulder. 'I guess now they have a 'pounding headache'.
Post by: Tawa on October 20, 2014, 08:10:08 pm
This....
I hate you. All of you. With a fire, unending and hate-fueled. A passion, brighter than the sun. I hate you.
ALL OF YOU
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE
HAAATE
Post by: Gentlefish on October 20, 2014, 08:11:15 pm
Post by: pisskop on October 20, 2014, 08:13:10 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EddX9hnhDS4This....
I hate you. All of you. With a fire, unending and hate-fueled. A passion, brighter than the sun. I hate you.
ALL OF YOU
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE
HAAATE
which reminds me. I do want to read that book.
Post by: Baffler on October 20, 2014, 08:15:42 pm
Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Did you hear about the two antennas that met on a roof, fell in love and got married?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
NSFW:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 20, 2014, 08:16:32 pm
Post by: Tawa on October 20, 2014, 08:39:41 pm
Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?-5 points, that was good.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on October 20, 2014, 09:01:15 pm
Post by: Tawa on October 20, 2014, 09:04:32 pm
heil descan
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 20, 2014, 09:07:28 pm
Okay; I'll stop, at the very least. :P
Post by: Tawa on October 20, 2014, 09:15:10 pm
I was going to restrain myself from Dark Matter-ing you, but this is cliché enough for me that doing this counts as a terrible joke now.
(http://s9.postimg.org/f7gvngpj3/deathofworldmaster.png)
Now for an actual awful joke.
What does a teacher who lives with his parents and hates his job tell his mom in the morning?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on October 21, 2014, 03:35:41 am
Post by: Wolfkit on October 21, 2014, 09:07:19 am
Post by: hops on October 21, 2014, 02:34:44 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
E:
A German walks into a bar.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr. Strange on October 21, 2014, 04:32:23 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on October 22, 2014, 12:20:26 pm
Yeah, they're not mine. :v
Post by: Dutchling on October 23, 2014, 08:35:33 am
Fun for the first day or so though :).
Post by: NAV on October 23, 2014, 10:40:38 pm
Cargo pants.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Omeganaut on October 23, 2014, 11:14:50 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Mr. Strange on October 24, 2014, 04:50:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on October 24, 2014, 04:59:41 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 24, 2014, 05:55:07 pm
A racist, sexist, and misogynist walks into a bar.FIFYSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on October 24, 2014, 09:26:42 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 24, 2014, 09:35:54 pm
Post by: Graknorke on October 24, 2014, 10:24:02 pm
Wait, I just realized that I was being redundant with sexist and misogynist....wait, you mean unemployed ISN'T a sex?
Post by: Omeganaut on October 24, 2014, 10:41:40 pm
Post by: pisskop on October 24, 2014, 10:58:40 pm
Well, it certainly doesn't help with having it...Nononono, you're setting your standards too high :P
Post by: Omeganaut on October 24, 2014, 11:56:25 pm
Also,
Quote from: kid
I'm hungry
Quote from: dad
Nice to meet you hungry, I'm dad!
Post by: Rose on October 25, 2014, 12:28:22 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on October 25, 2014, 01:57:13 am
Jokes! (http://imgur.com/gallery/27j8iZr)Oh god joke number 12...
Yeah, they're not mine. :v
Post by: timferius on October 25, 2014, 09:50:01 am
I mean, I figured lowering the standards to include with yourself kinda defeats the purpose.
Also,Quote from: kidI'm hungryQuote from: dadNice to meet you hungry, I'm dad!
My daughter hates me so much for this one.
*laughs maniacally
Post by: Ddynamo on October 25, 2014, 10:37:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 25, 2014, 10:40:33 pm
I know you warned us in advance, but you are a horrible person. There is no repetance from that joke.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 26, 2014, 02:05:47 am
I thought it was funny.
Post by: kaenneth on October 26, 2014, 02:13:42 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 26, 2014, 02:27:03 am
Post by: Bohandas on October 26, 2014, 02:39:39 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...but Saddam didn't
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 26, 2014, 03:38:56 am
HELL YESFTFY
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 26, 2014, 03:41:59 am
E: Wait, I forgot I was on Bay12 for a second there.
Post by: Yoink on October 26, 2014, 03:43:00 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on October 26, 2014, 07:19:46 am
I wouldn't want a cactus as my pillow.
Post by: Gamerlord on October 26, 2014, 07:20:55 am
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 26, 2014, 07:57:53 am
Post by: Helgoland on October 26, 2014, 08:01:31 am
...I really have to get this thread off my notification list.How does one do that? I never found out...
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 26, 2014, 08:11:32 am
Post by: Omeganaut on October 26, 2014, 08:32:04 am
My new game (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=145098.0) is terrible. I believe this belongs here.
Deer God! What twisted abomination has spawned from the depths of this site?
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on October 26, 2014, 01:46:43 pm
My new game (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=145098.0) is terrible. I believe this belongs here....
This is the first RTD I've ever seen to drive off the GM.
Post by: Mr. Strange on October 26, 2014, 07:13:53 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 26, 2014, 10:09:51 pm
Post by: pisskop on October 27, 2014, 07:01:00 pm
Heheh (http://imgur.com/gallery/xAKocgz)No, this is the terrible joke thread, not things that made you laugh.
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 27, 2014, 11:24:54 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on October 27, 2014, 11:46:55 pm
My new game (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=145098.0) is terrible. I believe this belongs here.
This made me laugh so hard my dog thought I was dying.
Exactly what I'd expect dwarven preschool to be.
Post by: Bohandas on October 28, 2014, 01:10:10 am
...I really have to get this thread off my notification list.
The dead baby jokes have had the opposite effect on me. Instead of becoming disgusted with the thread I've learned to appreciate the humor in the stories of real-life child-murdering serial killers (of course it also helps that the Werewolf of Wysteria both looked and talked a bit like Pops from Regular Show)
Post by: Dutchling on October 28, 2014, 11:40:10 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazysheep on October 28, 2014, 11:43:14 am
Post by: Sergius on October 28, 2014, 02:37:38 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on October 28, 2014, 02:40:22 pm
Post by: Sergius on October 28, 2014, 03:00:11 pm
Is that your life in an image?
Nah, I put up a picture but the upload failed.
You could say it was
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on October 28, 2014, 04:53:11 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a blood-sucking pig?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: timferius on October 31, 2014, 01:04:24 pm
A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What will be stranger?"
Spoiler: The seal responds (click to show/hide)
Post by: scrdest on October 31, 2014, 01:14:55 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/45VhiF6.jpg)
This is horrible. I can't stop laughing.
Post by: Morrigi on October 31, 2014, 02:05:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 31, 2014, 04:32:09 pm
Just stole this from elsewhere:(http://store.asymmetric.net/images/club_seals.gif)
A baby seal walks into a bar, the bartender says, "What will be stranger?"Spoiler: The seal responds (click to show/hide)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on October 31, 2014, 04:44:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do crustaceans avoid using calculators?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on October 31, 2014, 05:07:42 pm
A. A Hippiepotamus
Post by: Omeganaut on October 31, 2014, 05:32:16 pm
Goes home
What's the first thing a flautist does on Sunday morning?
Sends the Trumpet player home
Bad music jokes here! Get 'em while they're hot!
Post by: Dutchling on October 31, 2014, 10:02:04 pm
Stapt een olifant op het toneel, toneelstuk.
Komt een terrorist bij een wegrestaurant, weg restaurant.
Staat een stofzuiger op een zandweg, zand weg.
Komt een kinderlokker bij een weeshuis, weg wezen.
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 31, 2014, 10:09:06 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on October 31, 2014, 10:12:07 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on October 31, 2014, 10:16:27 pm
Comes an elephant over/through(?) a tunnel, stuck. (I don't get the joke here. Is there a meaning I missed?)
A terrorist comes to a way-restaurant. Gone restaurant. (This one is funny because weg means both gone and way/path)
I can't figure out the others.
Post by: Dutchling on October 31, 2014, 10:19:52 pm
You got the second one.
Explaining jokes makes me want to kill myself so you'll have to figure out the others yourself :P
Post by: Bohandas on October 31, 2014, 10:29:29 pm
Q. Who wages brutal warfare and likes to punish criminals by mutilating them and impaling their bodies?
A. The Republican party
Post by: Arx on November 01, 2014, 01:04:36 am
Komt een terrorist bij een wegrestaurant, weg restaurant.
A terrorist goes to a take away restaurant ("away restaurant"); the restaurant goes away (because it blew up). Edit: heh, TDS reads Dutch differently to me.
Quote
Staat een stofzuiger op een zandweg, zand weg.
Run a vacuum cleaner on a... beach? sand road? Anyway, a "sand way", and the sand goes away.
Quote
Komt een kinderlokker bij een weeshuis, weg wezen.
I think this is something to do with a paedophile taking away children's innocence or something, but I'm really not sure.
And Dutchling, most of these made me laugh. Terribility license revoked!
Post by: Dutchling on November 01, 2014, 06:28:01 am
Also, the pedo joke is that wegwezen means "getting out" and weg wezen means "gone (are the) orphans" :P.
More terribleness: I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
Post by: Sergius on November 01, 2014, 12:49:41 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Gentlefish on November 01, 2014, 04:11:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Knock knock.
(who's there?)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on November 01, 2014, 05:54:46 pm
Dashing through the sand
with the bomb strapped to my back
I have something nasty planned
for Christmas in Iraq!
Post by: Helgoland on November 01, 2014, 06:02:19 pm
Probier's mal mit Afghanistan - You should try out Afghanistan
Den Bomben von den Taliban - Try out the Taliban's bombs
Da sprengst du deine Sorgen in die Luft! - There you'll blow up your sorrows!
Und wenn du dann im Himmel bist - And when you go to heaven
Und Gott dir auf die Füße pisst - and God pisses on your feet
[Forgot the last line - I think it was about blowing him up with a bazooka]
Post by: Noel.se on November 01, 2014, 06:50:45 pm
Huh, this works in German as well.Komt een terrorist bij een wegrestaurant, weg restaurant.
A terrorist goes to a take away restaurant ("away restaurant"); the restaurant goes away (because it blew up). Edit: heh, TDS reads Dutch differently to me.
Ein Terrorist kommt in ein Wegerestaurant. Das Restaurant geht weg.
Well, Dutch and German are pretty similar, so it isn't surprising.
Post by: Dutchling on November 01, 2014, 06:51:46 pm
So I guess it does work in German!
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on November 02, 2014, 10:20:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(also, ptw)
Post by: Bohandas on November 02, 2014, 05:39:51 pm
-I was going to tell a great ebola joke but if you're not black you probably won't get it
-Apple's CEO recently came out as gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow that he is even gayer
Q. What kind of bug blows itself up
A. a jihaddy longlegs
-You've gotta feel sorry for Justin Bieber, he's been to every Justin Bieber concert
-Fewer americans have died of ebola than have been married to Kim Kardashian. The ebola victims also suffered less.
-If all the bibles and korans ever printed were laid end to end, they would fprm a six foot high wall around the Earth. And then all the Christians and Muslims could fuck off and live behind it.
(from http://www.sickipedia.org)
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 02, 2014, 05:56:31 pm
-Apple's CEO recently came out as gay. Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow that he is even gayerand waterproof
Post by: NAV on November 02, 2014, 06:03:35 pm
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/sex-and-shit/women/first-woman-on-the-moon-houston-we-have-a-problem-1597614#ixzz3HxHmUafM
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 02, 2014, 06:34:42 pm
Quote
-If all the bibles and korans ever printed were laid end to end, they would fprm a six foot high wall around the Earth. And then all the Christians and Muslims could fuck off and live behind it.:'(
Post by: Mr. Strange on November 02, 2014, 07:37:21 pm
Post by: Helgoland on November 02, 2014, 07:50:07 pm
So I painted my laptop black, so it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.
Post by: Bohandas on November 02, 2014, 08:08:51 pm
Post by: Bohandas on November 02, 2014, 09:21:39 pm
A. The Republican Party.
Post by: Noel.se on November 03, 2014, 01:22:28 am
More horrible jokes. (http://imgur.com/gallery/WnyFQ)From the imgur comments:
"If the camera adds ten pounds, do African children actually exist?"
Post by: Sheb on November 03, 2014, 01:37:49 am
How many blacks does it takes to start a riot?
-1
Post by: Sergius on November 03, 2014, 09:41:07 am
When asked what he was carrying, he said "the remains of my mother."
Post by: Sergius on November 03, 2014, 09:42:55 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on November 03, 2014, 10:11:41 am
Quote
I'm not racist. Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
Post by: Noel.se on November 03, 2014, 01:15:35 pm
Liberal Crime Quad: A quad becomes sentient and then gets trained by liberal extremists. Hilarity ensues.
Tar
Tea Fortress 2: Like regular TF2, but it's all about tea flavors instead of hats.
Harr Potter: Hogwarts is a school for magical pirates.
Roll to Doge: Roll to dodge about Venice. What did you expect? Such minimalist much gone horribly right wow
Mount ad blade: Knights fight against ads.
Post by: Arx on November 03, 2014, 01:26:00 pm
Tar Treck: About hikers trying to cross a tar pit.
For the love of all that tastes suspiciously like liquorice, it's Star Trek!
Also, Saves to Armok: God of Blood: A game where save scumming is the main mechanic.
Post by: Eric Blank on November 03, 2014, 01:27:00 pm
Harr Potter: Hogwarts is a school for magical pirates.
I would totally watch/read that.
Post by: Helgoland on November 03, 2014, 01:35:29 pm
Post by: Omeganaut on November 03, 2014, 01:46:30 pm
Family trucking business turns ugly.
Post by: Arx on November 03, 2014, 01:48:42 pm
Post by: Bohandas on November 03, 2014, 02:09:47 pm
Post by: scrdest on November 03, 2014, 02:16:50 pm
Lord of the Rigs: The Fellowship of the Rig, The Two Tower, The Return of the Kin.
Family trucking business turns ugly.
I would totally watch that.
Post by: Redzephyr01 on November 03, 2014, 02:26:14 pm
Post by: Foxite on November 03, 2014, 02:32:10 pm
Post by: pisskop on November 03, 2014, 02:35:14 pm
Pokemon Rager - A game in which you vent your rage on pokemon.Is that a double meaning? Because pokemon are pocket monsters? :P
Post by: Sheb on November 03, 2014, 02:37:16 pm
Post by: Omeganaut on November 03, 2014, 02:48:41 pm
Post by: Dutchling on November 03, 2014, 02:50:14 pm
(tea is allowed too but only if it's offensive to Jewish and/or Black people.)
Post by: Gentlefish on November 03, 2014, 02:53:57 pm
You could say the former is
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on November 03, 2014, 02:54:31 pm
Post by: timferius on November 03, 2014, 02:57:22 pm
Assassin Cree: Play a native american assassin exacting vengeance on the settlers that killed your family. Also, time travel.Wasn't that essentially Assassin's Creed 3? Didn't play it...
Post by: Noel.se on November 03, 2014, 02:57:48 pm
Post by: Gentlefish on November 03, 2014, 02:58:25 pm
Post by: Noel.se on November 03, 2014, 02:59:32 pm
Post by: Sheb on November 03, 2014, 03:03:28 pm
Word of Tank: a tank-themed spelling bee. Learn to place the umlaut in Panzerspähwagen!
Post by: Arx on November 03, 2014, 03:04:18 pm
Post by: Omeganaut on November 03, 2014, 03:08:25 pm
Ahah, loved the Half LIF
Word of Tank: a tank-themed spelling bee. Learn to place the umlaut in Panzerspähwagen!
Or, the word of our new god, the Abrahms fully automated battle machine.
Post by: scrdest on November 03, 2014, 03:09:33 pm
Gat Simulator - A Saints Row Spinoff.
Prion Architect - like Pandemic, but with proteins.
The Sip - mix drinks, point sawnoff shotguns at drunkards.
Eno Clash - Guitar Hero of ambient music.
Dead Pace - a marathon simulator. With zombies.
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 03, 2014, 04:33:27 pm
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on November 03, 2014, 04:51:34 pm
Xenonuts - Ufologist convention simulator
Cotex Command - take the reins of a major European hygiene products manufacturing company
Don't Stave - a survival game about an elderly character with a bad back, and no way to make a walking stick.
Grand Heft Auto - slightly over-the-top "strongest man in the world" competition.
World of Go - a complex physics puzzle game where you attempts to build constructions out of interconnected black dots are constantly thwarted by a malevolent white dot-wielding AI.
Post by: Noel.se on November 03, 2014, 05:54:14 pm
A Storm of Words: The people of Westeros decide to settle matters by insulting each other.
Thus Poke Zarathustra: Zarathustra decides that he shall poke people
Twilight: New Moo: Sparkly cows displace the vampires and conquer Bella's heart.
Post by: Helgoland on November 03, 2014, 06:05:04 pm
O: Place black and white pieces on a board in a dadaist manner
Hess: A Nazi simulator, of course
TackMania: They're gonna steal everything that's not nailed down - it's your hour of glory!
TrackMana: Magical racing game
984: Follow the adventures of Carolus Magnus after his coronation!
I Have No Mouth And I Must Cream: Why yes, it is a porno!
Post by: Baffler on November 03, 2014, 11:16:17 pm
Call O'Duty: IRA shooter
Pan DEIC: Dutch business sim set in imperial Asia (dutch east india company)
Hearts of Ron: Grand strategy game set in Harry Potter universe
Tar Trek: QWOP on hard mode
Post by: Bohandas on November 04, 2014, 03:13:41 am
Ant chamber: A non-euclidean multiply connected antfarm
Ho line Miami: Answer calls for a floridian brothel
Post by: scrdest on November 04, 2014, 03:18:05 am
Post by: Bohandas on November 04, 2014, 03:43:04 am
Post by: miauw62 on November 04, 2014, 11:38:30 am
Ahah, loved the Half LIFI recall a flash game where you had to type words to shoot other tanks.
Word of Tank: a tank-themed spelling bee. Learn to place the umlaut in Panzerspähwagen!
Post by: Octobomb on November 04, 2014, 04:37:52 pm
That would be Qwerty Warriors (https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=qwerty+warriors&oq=qwerty+warriors&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.6163j0j7&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8#q=qwerty+warriors). I have fond memories.Ahah, loved the Half LIFI recall a flash game where you had to type words to shoot other tanks.
Word of Tank: a tank-themed spelling bee. Learn to place the umlaut in Panzerspähwagen!
Post by: Jiharo on November 04, 2014, 05:15:04 pm
Hearts of Ron: Grand strategy game set in Harry Potter universeI thought it would be another "mahjong meets dating sim".
Post by: hops on November 04, 2014, 10:29:50 pm
Don't Stare: Just like Slender, except that you also need to eat to survive.
Sender: You run around the neighborhood, avoiding the gangster named Senderman while you hand out mails to people.
Roboraft: Build robot rafts and race against other players.
Garry's od: A special aromatic perfume from the maker of Gmod? Ew.
Tarbound: You are in a tar pit.
Post by: TheDarkStar on November 04, 2014, 10:55:06 pm
Post by: Tawa on November 04, 2014, 11:05:26 pm
Super Mario Bothers: A game where you must bug the crap out of a shroom-addict plumber.
Poémon: Catch 'em all, with Poémon such as Redeath, Ravenever, and Usherhouse.
Warf Fortress: Command your saiors to build a thriving warf and defend it from invading bots. Strike the se! Brought to you by the founders of the Misspelled Cemetary.
Kindom of Loathing: Hate your family! Hate them!
Erraria: I don't know what it's about, but it involves singing.
EDIT:
Catclysm: A catsplosion has ended the world! Carve out a space and survive in the dangerous, cat-infested lands near Boatmurdered, New England.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 04, 2014, 11:07:14 pm
Post by: RedWarrior0 on November 05, 2014, 12:03:00 am
Post by: Omeganaut on November 05, 2014, 12:07:33 am
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on November 05, 2014, 12:49:56 am
Although if you want to go for a twofer, you could say that an offensive joke is any attack made by the current Ukrainian Army.
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 05, 2014, 02:49:57 am
Post by: Bohandas on November 05, 2014, 02:51:16 am
Kindom of Loathing: Hate your family! Hate them!
Luke 14:26
-------------------------------------------
EDIT:
Speaking of religion, the city of Budapest was named after an annoying religious leader.
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 05, 2014, 02:56:43 am
Post by: Reelya on November 05, 2014, 03:46:16 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on November 05, 2014, 09:25:50 am
Post by: Noel.se on November 05, 2014, 09:54:30 am
The barbarian walks into the tavern, obviously having been journeying for many days. Jellena readied her axe "Hey, you should use this. You reek!"Here we go again.
Post by: ggamer on November 05, 2014, 10:48:35 am
Post by: Omeganaut on November 05, 2014, 01:29:11 pm
Mario Kat: Mario embarks on a breeding program to produce the best cat ever. Rip-off of the crazy cat lady game.
Super Mash Brothers: Brothers open up a fine dining restaurant specializing in mashed potatoes.
Super Sash Brothers: Brothers compete to see which one is crowned Mister America.
Post by: Akura on November 05, 2014, 01:50:10 pm
Mario Art: Mario hits his mid-life crisis and decides his destiny is in cultural pursuits, not plumbing.
Didn't the SNES have Mario Paint?
...I'll have to go check that out sometime.
Anyway, on the subject of bad jokes...
What does a suicide bomber have with his fish?
Martyr sauce.
Post by: Omeganaut on November 05, 2014, 01:57:29 pm
Mario Pant: Mario turns into a dog. Known for the idle animation of humping Princess Peach's leg...
Mario Pint: Mario has a drinking problem. Known for the idle animation of humping Princess Peach's leg...
Post by: Yoink on November 05, 2014, 02:02:22 pm
Supper Smash Brothers: Nintendo characters compete in a late-night eating contest.
Post by: Sergius on November 05, 2014, 03:03:48 pm
Xmas Effect: The same but they add giant space trees and decorate them.
Post by: Guardian G.I. on November 05, 2014, 03:06:03 pm
Post by: Sergius on November 05, 2014, 03:09:19 pm
"Due to the ongoing American sanctions against Russia, all pirated Microsoft products are to be regarded as trophies!"
Letters of marque? :D
Post by: pisskop on November 05, 2014, 03:13:19 pm
Wolf'N'Stein: You operate a pub in the baron wastes.
Brain Mage: Train up your mage powers a little every day
Post by: Gentlefish on November 05, 2014, 09:30:56 pm
Fir Emblem: Carve your insignia in as many fir trees as possible before anyone else.
Lend of Zelda: Give a boy a magical stone but hound him about giving it back after he shows up seven years later.
Post by: Tawa on November 05, 2014, 09:33:27 pm
Fir Emblem: Carve your insignia in as many fir trees as possible before anyone else.Um.
Fir Emblem: A tactical game where you command an army of trees.
Post by: Gentlefish on November 05, 2014, 09:38:09 pm
Fir Emblem: Carve your insignia in as many fir trees as possible before anyone else.Um.Fir Emblem: A tactical game where you command an army of trees.
Hey now I came up with that on my own. Step off bruh.
Phoenix Wright: Ace Tourney: A game about finding the best fishing hole though use of deduction and creative liberty over fishing tourney rules..
Post by: Worldmaster27 on November 05, 2014, 09:39:58 pm
Post by: Gentlefish on November 05, 2014, 09:43:12 pm
~ I'm sure you're proud of this one, Taw.
I'll admit.
I snerked.
Post by: Tawa on November 05, 2014, 10:04:49 pm
~ I'm sure you're proud of this one, Taw.You're getting a 0/1,000,000,000,000 the next time I see you on the HWKITUAY thread.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on November 05, 2014, 10:07:55 pm
~ I'm sure you're proud of this one, Taw.I WILL FIND YOU, MASTER OF WORLDS, AND SHOVE A TILDE INTO WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE
Post by: hector13 on November 06, 2014, 01:58:24 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on November 06, 2014, 12:03:25 pm
It is the sound made by a posh duck.
Post by: TheDarkStar on November 06, 2014, 07:21:58 pm
Post by: Bohandas on November 07, 2014, 01:09:51 am
Post by: hops on November 07, 2014, 01:10:20 am
Post by: IronTomato on November 07, 2014, 08:52:08 am
Post by: Dutrius on November 07, 2014, 11:35:24 am
Post by: Akura on November 07, 2014, 01:39:03 pm
Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivious - A game in which no one knows what the hell is going on.So, normal TESIV?
If I didn't say it, someone else would have.
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 07, 2014, 02:35:43 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 07, 2014, 04:41:57 pm
Guys. These things don't count as terrible jokes. They're just stupid. And getting very old very very rapidly.
Post by: pisskop on November 07, 2014, 04:44:50 pm
Post by: Reelya on November 07, 2014, 05:16:51 pm
Post by: Gentlefish on November 07, 2014, 07:58:52 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on November 07, 2014, 08:01:41 pm
Why did the cucumber blush?What happened when he was caught?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tonnot98 on November 07, 2014, 08:02:35 pm
And bleach is a basic substance.
So by drinking bleach, Amanda Todd became a basic bitch!
Post by: rabidgam3r on November 07, 2014, 08:44:08 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on November 08, 2014, 03:13:57 am
A. One wrote a bunch of implausible science fiction novels that became the focus of a dangerous cult. The other is L. Ron Hubbard.
Q. How is Galt's Gulch like a cemetery?
A. They're both full of people who thought that they couldn't be replaced.
Post by: acetech09 on November 08, 2014, 03:30:08 am
Post by: Akura on November 08, 2014, 11:42:27 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on November 09, 2014, 01:18:57 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 09, 2014, 02:41:05 am
Post by: Reelya on November 09, 2014, 08:25:23 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 10, 2014, 12:46:09 am
Post by: Reelya on November 10, 2014, 03:39:52 am
Post by: Descan on November 10, 2014, 03:43:55 am
Post by: Reelya on November 10, 2014, 03:46:40 am
this is like someone complaining about a bear in a bar joke that bears can't really go to bars and order drinks.
Post by: crazysheep on November 10, 2014, 03:50:25 am
Post by: Arx on November 10, 2014, 03:55:37 am
Post by: Descan on November 10, 2014, 04:08:37 am
Post by: Helgoland on November 10, 2014, 04:10:20 am
"Yesterday I saved a woman from being raped." "How?" "I convinced her."
Post by: scrdest on November 10, 2014, 04:24:35 am
¬No ⇒ Yes, logically speaking.
¬Yes ⇒ No too.
Post by: Arx on November 10, 2014, 04:27:29 am
Rape is illogical!
Post by: Sheb on November 10, 2014, 04:30:28 am
Yeah, sorry, I have a ~thing~ about rape jokes, that is, I don't like them. At all.
If you're offended by rape joke, maybe you should avoid this thread. Of course, you'll miss on all the racist jokes too.
Post by: Descan on November 10, 2014, 04:32:51 am
That's a last resort, though.
Post by: Bohandas on November 10, 2014, 12:12:38 pm
-The worst part about not having a home is the obligation to try all the stunts performed by experts.
Post by: Mr. Strange on November 10, 2014, 06:30:43 pm
Well, no, not really. If it gets out of hand, I can always lock it.So, if we make joke terrible enough you'll close thread dedicated for terrible jokes?
That's a last resort, though.
There's only one way this can end... just joking~
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 10, 2014, 06:35:45 pm
Post by: Descan on November 10, 2014, 06:52:01 pm
Post by: Helgoland on November 10, 2014, 06:56:52 pm
I'd prefer seeing jokes that are bad out of being horrible instead of out of being offensive as well, Descan.You know, operation Barbarossa was an offensive joke, and also pretty horrible. I'm not sure how exactly it would fit into this scheme.
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 10, 2014, 06:58:23 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on November 10, 2014, 07:00:00 pm
Post by: BadLemonsXI on November 10, 2014, 07:00:44 pm
Don't know about anyone else but in my mind its funny if when Shed posted that they forgot Descan made the tread. . . I would go on more but reading what I'v said I beginning it think I probably can't describe how I found it funny. . . ok imma shut up now. . . >_< I'm sorry!maybe you should avoid this thread.I can always lock it.
Post by: Dutchling on November 10, 2014, 07:09:21 pm
Change OP/thread name to say you don't consent to all the rape jokes posted here?But that means if someone does post a...
c:
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 10, 2014, 07:39:24 pm
Yeah, sorry, I have a ~thing~ about rape jokes, that is, I don't like them. At all.I removed it for you.
My apologies for posting it to begin with. I'm not a fan of rape jokes either, thus why it went in the "terrible jokes thread" and not in a "good jokes thread". Frankly, I usually avoid this thread, what with all of the racist jokes and whatnot, but for some reason I haven't seen all that much complaining about the racist jokes.
Tbh, I'm surprised that Toady hasn't locked this thread.
Post by: BadLemonsXI on November 10, 2014, 07:49:03 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 10, 2014, 07:50:04 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 10, 2014, 07:55:01 pm
Shed
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 10, 2014, 07:57:28 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on November 10, 2014, 08:05:19 pm
How about we make a rule that if anyone is offended by a joke, the person who made the joke has to remove it? That should allow for getting rid of jokes that really bother people without excluding entire classes of jokes. Targeting the problems rather than mass nuking.I am offended by this joke. :P
Post by: pisskop on November 10, 2014, 08:08:27 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 10, 2014, 08:11:00 pm
Ugh, just stay away or spoil the rapey jokes? Or all of them, really.There are other classes of jokes that insult people, though, which is why I propose a general rule of removal.
Post by: Descan on November 10, 2014, 08:24:11 pm
As for racist jokes, yeah they bother me too, but not to the same level as rape jokes. Maybe I'm being a hypocrite talkin' about the one and not the other. I don't know.
Post by: Helgoland on November 10, 2014, 08:25:30 pm
Post by: Descan on November 10, 2014, 08:34:38 pm
Though I have a dim view of the offense by group-proxy thing people have going on. Being offended on behalf of a different group? Naw man, fuck off. Being offended on behalf of an actual person you know? Better.
Post by: Tawa on November 10, 2014, 08:37:47 pm
Tom, Dick, and HarryThis suddenly reminded me of this terrible movie (http://rinkworks.com/badmovie/m/she.1985.shtml).
Obligatory joke:
If Superman protects "peace, justice, and the American way", then isn't he a hypocrite?
Post by: pisskop on November 10, 2014, 08:39:05 pm
only 2/3 of one.Tom, Dick, and HarryThis suddenly reminded me of this terrible movie (http://rinkworks.com/badmovie/m/she.1985.shtml).
Obligatory joke:
If Superman protects "peace, justice, and the American way", then isn't he a hypocrite?
---
I like the idea of PMs. This forum seems to be ,mature enough to handle that. I hope?
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 10, 2014, 08:48:39 pm
Possibly. Though from my perspective, it's just a joke, yeah? So what's the harm in removing it, especially if it's actively harming someone else. It's not like you're being censored for political or religious beliefs, you've no stake in the joke.+1
Though I have a dim view of the offense by group-proxy thing people have going on. Being offended on behalf of a different group? Naw man, fuck off. Being offended on behalf of an actual person you know? Better.
Post by: Yoink on November 10, 2014, 08:49:06 pm
...What's the difference between a spare tire and a small child?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: acetech09 on November 10, 2014, 10:44:09 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Omeganaut on November 10, 2014, 11:11:34 pm
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
Five dead babies in a trash can. What's worse than that?
One dead baby in five trash cans.
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on November 11, 2014, 01:40:32 am
Is this the point where everyone has a group hug and because friends again?
Last time we tried using friendship to steer clear of that kind of discussion, we got banned from GD and exiled from Bay12.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on November 11, 2014, 03:03:04 am
watIs this the point where everyone has a group hug and because friends again?
Last time we tried using friendship to steer clear of that kind of discussion, we got banned from GD and exiled from Bay12.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on November 11, 2014, 03:05:12 am
watIs this the point where everyone has a group hug and because friends again?Last time we tried using friendship to steer clear of that kind of discussion, we got banned from GD and exiled from Bay12.
He's referring to the MLP incident. Only through great sacrifice was it contained, and the horrors forever banished.
Post by: crazysheep on November 11, 2014, 03:05:41 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BadLemonsXI on November 11, 2014, 03:09:26 am
I think I remember being told something about that over in the happy tread.He's referring to the MLP incident. Only through great sacrifice was it contained, and the horrors forever banished.watIs this the point where everyone has a group hug and because friends again?Last time we tried using friendship to steer clear of that kind of discussion, we got banned from GD and exiled from Bay12.
Post by: Eric Blank on November 11, 2014, 03:14:17 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on November 11, 2014, 05:40:11 am
A news helicopter was flying low and
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Omeganaut on November 11, 2014, 08:27:42 am
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy found a chainsaw
Fuzzy Wuzzy Everywhere!
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 11, 2014, 10:17:22 am
This must be one of those things that happened before my time.EDIT: ninja'dSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on November 11, 2014, 11:35:52 am
'Nuff said.
Post by: Akura on November 11, 2014, 02:06:22 pm
I guess it must be a pretty grave responsibility.
Post by: pisskop on November 11, 2014, 02:32:31 pm
. . . He's a decent guy, but completely dis-inhibited.
Post by: McDonald on November 15, 2014, 04:42:54 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 15, 2014, 04:44:33 pm
Post by: Tawa on November 15, 2014, 05:51:56 pm
Post by: Omeganaut on November 15, 2014, 07:13:05 pm
Post by: pisskop on November 15, 2014, 07:26:53 pm
*clap* *clap* *clap* G-O
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 15, 2014, 07:56:25 pm
Post by: McDonald on November 15, 2014, 08:47:21 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on November 15, 2014, 09:44:23 pm
I wonder what that says about me?
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 15, 2014, 09:55:02 pm
Post by: Rose on November 15, 2014, 10:11:38 pm
Hence the link being orange for me.
Post by: timferius on November 16, 2014, 01:46:07 pm
Post by: hops on November 16, 2014, 01:55:46 pm
Post by: Arx on November 16, 2014, 02:28:55 pm
I know. People just don't react to them any more!
You have to lighten the mood.
But audiences can be so mercurial!
Well, tell jokes that are just carbon copies of succesful routines.
That just feels wrong in my gut.
Are you going to biology puns now? They set my teeth on edge; I'm really not enameled of them
Reasons my brother and I occasionally don't sleep.
Post by: Tawa on November 16, 2014, 02:31:51 pm
Bravo.
Post by: McDonald on November 16, 2014, 02:58:27 pm
Back OT:
What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
Spoiler (http://tinyurl.com/2fcpre6) (click to show/hide)
What's the difference between a black man and a baby?
Spoiler (http://tinyurl.com/n456m87) (click to show/hide)
What's the difference between a dead baby and a car?
Spoiler (http://tinyurl.com/2ic64rt8) (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 16, 2014, 03:22:45 pm
Post by: pisskop on November 16, 2014, 03:24:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Things I found and/or stole shamelessly
Post by: McDonald on November 16, 2014, 03:28:47 pm
Really? You didn't even bother to change the links for each spoiler. For shame.FTFY
Post by: Tawa on November 16, 2014, 03:30:54 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 16, 2014, 03:33:16 pm
But I see what he did. And he did fix it.
Post by: Tawa on November 16, 2014, 03:35:13 pm
But I see what he did. And he did fix it.I don't. :(
Post by: McDonald on November 16, 2014, 03:43:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on November 16, 2014, 03:45:57 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on November 16, 2014, 03:46:34 pm
Post by: McDonald on November 16, 2014, 03:47:28 pm
Alright, you lose now for telling the same joke three times.Only pisskop can revoke my medal.
Third time's the charm!
i'm going to find youYou fell for it three times?
Post by: Worldmaster27 on November 16, 2014, 03:52:58 pm
How to keep an idiot in suspense?Hah, alright. This one was probably the best out of the three.Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (http://tinyurl.com/ev564b5v) (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 16, 2014, 06:27:37 pm
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 17, 2014, 12:24:16 am
Post by: McDonald on November 17, 2014, 01:48:49 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 17, 2014, 02:21:02 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 17, 2014, 02:27:42 am
Post by: Reelya on November 17, 2014, 02:44:03 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 17, 2014, 02:52:44 am
It looks like we're on the same plaine.
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 17, 2014, 02:54:44 am
It's a plane joke.
Unless it was a pun on the word "plane", in which case, it was garbage.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 17, 2014, 02:57:06 am
I can only check for transparent text OR make sure I'm not getting Rick-Rolled, not both. :PIt's a plane joke.Unless it was a pun on the word "plane", in which case, it was garbage.
Post by: hops on November 17, 2014, 05:39:28 am
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 17, 2014, 08:34:06 pm
I never check for transparent text either, no pun intended.I see. So what's to, say, prevent me from just including some transparent text in this post?
Somewhere in there.
Post by: Tawa on November 17, 2014, 08:43:16 pm
That wasn't transparent, 4mask.I never check for transparent text either, no pun intended.I see. So what's to, say, prevent me from just including some transparent text in this post?
Somewhere in there.
Post by: Gentlefish on November 17, 2014, 08:47:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 17, 2014, 08:48:30 pm
[thatsthejoke.jpg]That wasn't transparent, 4mask.I never check for transparent text either, no pun intended.I see. So what's to, say, prevent me from just including some transparent text in this post?
Somewhere in there.
Post by: Reelya on November 17, 2014, 09:22:39 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 18, 2014, 04:30:04 am
Post by: McDonald on November 18, 2014, 07:34:57 am
This isn't actually here.What isn't?
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 19, 2014, 03:23:31 am
Post by: Omeganaut on November 19, 2014, 08:08:19 am
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 19, 2014, 05:41:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jimmy on November 20, 2014, 09:16:38 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a 5th century nomadic german sacking rome?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on November 20, 2014, 10:13:33 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 21, 2014, 10:14:37 am
Post by: Arx on November 21, 2014, 10:45:21 am
I am coming forward today to say publicly, for the first time, that in June of 1971 Bill Cosby gave me an Old Fashioned and a half-assed foot rub.
You live!
Post by: Dutrius on November 21, 2014, 12:15:52 pm
He orders 1 drink.
He orders 10 drinks.
He orders 1.7 billion drinks.
He orders 1.7 drinks.
He orders -1 drinks.
He orders 0 drinks.
He orders “one” drink.
He tries to leave without paying.
Post by: Sheb on November 21, 2014, 12:35:34 pm
Post by: Dutrius on November 21, 2014, 12:49:17 pm
Post by: Caz on November 21, 2014, 02:04:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 21, 2014, 02:05:24 pm
How do you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?Ouch...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: acetech09 on November 23, 2014, 01:04:24 pm
Doctor: "Right over there, next to mine."
Post by: hops on November 24, 2014, 09:41:16 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on November 24, 2014, 09:45:00 pm
What's white on black?Not tonight >.<Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on November 24, 2014, 10:25:16 pm
That's exactly why it's in this thread right now.What's white on black?Not tonight >.<Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IronTomato on November 25, 2014, 09:31:42 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on November 25, 2014, 10:54:39 am
What's white on black?(http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/614/639/9df.gif)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 25, 2014, 12:23:14 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on November 25, 2014, 06:26:23 pm
Spoiler: less horrible joke to cheer the mood (click to show/hide)
Edit:
Spoiler: something fergusson... (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: and kittler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on November 25, 2014, 06:59:02 pm
Who's there?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 25, 2014, 11:54:08 pm
Who's there?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on November 25, 2014, 11:58:46 pm
...Ashens?What's white on black?(http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/614/639/9df.gif)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on November 26, 2014, 12:16:50 am
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on November 26, 2014, 12:32:33 am
it looks like Stuart Ashens.
Post by: hops on November 26, 2014, 08:09:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on November 26, 2014, 09:45:58 am
Guy: "I promise it wont happen again"
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 26, 2014, 12:30:25 pm
GF's Father: "YOU STOLE MY DAUGHTERS VIRGINITY"Guy:
Guy: "I promise it wont happen again"
"No I didn't, I have a receipt!"
"What are you, the rent-a-cop patrolling her cunt?"
"Oh that's not all! *Wink*"
"Hey man, this wasn't her first time at the rodeo!"
"Sir, it's "daughters' virginities"."
Post by: Worldmaster27 on November 26, 2014, 03:53:57 pm
You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Post by: pisskop on November 26, 2014, 04:12:15 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on November 26, 2014, 04:13:42 pm
*Knock knock*Hint: it's brown and has started to smell...
Who's there?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on November 26, 2014, 04:18:41 pm
But. . . glue?I knew you'd get stuck on that.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on November 26, 2014, 04:25:12 pm
listen up you motherfucker
Post by: Eric Blank on November 26, 2014, 04:29:17 pm
I can't hear your whining over the noises your mother is making.
Post by: Dutrius on November 26, 2014, 04:30:31 pm
A newspaper.
What else is black and white and red all over?
A penguin with sunburn.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on November 26, 2014, 04:37:18 pm
What did that motherfucker say?I'M THE RUDE ONE HERE SIR
I can't hear your whining over the noises your mother is making.
Post by: Dutrius on November 26, 2014, 04:40:09 pm
A canary with a sub-machine gun.
What else is yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.
Post by: SquatchHammer on November 26, 2014, 07:43:22 pm
What else is yellow and dangerous?
Urine sample from an Ebola patient?
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 26, 2014, 07:52:12 pm
That would be red and dangerous.What else is yellow and dangerous?
Urine sample from an Ebola patient?
Post by: Helgoland on November 26, 2014, 08:06:54 pm
The Chinese army?That would be red and dangerous.What else is yellow and dangerous?
Urine sample from an Ebola patient?
Post by: Eric Blank on November 26, 2014, 08:18:26 pm
Post by: SquatchHammer on November 26, 2014, 08:48:13 pm
The French army after the Germans invaded. Twice.
Then the French army would have multiple penetrations....
That would be red and dangerous.What else is yellow and dangerous?
Urine sample from an Ebola patient?
Not if they just started to be infectious...
Post by: Helgoland on November 26, 2014, 09:05:01 pm
The French army after the Germans invaded. Twice.French army? Dangerous? Well, maybe if you stub your toes on an abandoned tank...
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 26, 2014, 10:39:06 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 27, 2014, 12:09:21 am
Hint: It's t-shaped and on fire.*Knock knock*Hint: it's brown and has started to smell...
Who's there?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Edit: Damn it, Ghazkull stole my joke I was about to tell. And by stole I mean "posted it earlier in the year". Good thing I searched first.
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 27, 2014, 12:13:50 am
Get all tangled up in the white flags all over the ground.What's brown, white, and too damn cute?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on November 27, 2014, 12:44:43 am
The French army after the Germans invaded. Twice.French army? Dangerous? Well, maybe if you stub your toes on an abandoned tank...
They'll catch you from behind after fleeing all the way around the planet.
Post by: Bohandas on November 27, 2014, 12:47:33 am
Post by: Lord_lemonpie on November 27, 2014, 08:32:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on November 27, 2014, 01:55:52 pm
A stick.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on November 27, 2014, 02:49:39 pm
What is brown and sticky?What's red and bad for your teeth?
A stick.
A brick.
Post by: Dutchling on November 27, 2014, 04:11:53 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TherosPherae on November 27, 2014, 08:20:59 pm
Three priests, an Irishman, a submarine captain, and an army of penguins walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some kinda shitty joke?"
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a pint of Guinness is. The bartender responds "For you? No charge."
Helium walks into a bar and the bartender immediately starts yelling and cursing at him because he skipped out on a huge tab the last time he was there. Helium doesn't react.
Spoiler: What do you do with dead chemists? (click to show/hide)
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 27, 2014, 09:43:26 pm
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
(Stolen from Snopes. Fuck them for trying to keep me from stealing their shit by preventing highlighting of text. Just view source and copy-paste from there. As usual, the security prevents only the dumbest quintile from access.)
Post by: Bohandas on November 27, 2014, 10:31:35 pm
(Stolen from Snopes. Fuck them for trying to keep me from stealing their shit by preventing highlighting of text. Just view source and copy-paste from there. As usual, the security prevents only the dumbest quintile from access.)
They use javascript to do that, so you could do it even more easily by just turning javascript off and reloading the page (if you use Pale Moon or Firefox [and if you still use Firefox you should switch to Pale Moon, its like Firefox was before everyone at Mozilla got invasion-of-the-bodysnatchers-ed by trendy douchebags] there's a couple of add-ons you can download that let you toggle javascript on and off from the toolbar so you don't even have to open the options menu.)
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 27, 2014, 10:37:00 pm
Post by: Bohandas on November 27, 2014, 10:55:57 pm
Can I just prevent certain javascript actions from being taken? Kinda like a popup blocker, except a "prevent highlighting" blocker. Same with right-click prevention, load new page on exit, etc.
I think I saw something like that a while back (I think it was called "right to click" or something of that nature).
There's also an add-on called "YesScript" which blacklists specific websites from using javascript on your browser.
Personally though I find QuickJava (the program mentioned in my previous post) to generally be sufficient.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 28, 2014, 03:49:19 am
People would start to make fucking good software all of a sudden, is what I'm saying.
Post by: Reelya on November 28, 2014, 03:57:19 am
Post by: Helgoland on November 28, 2014, 05:36:55 am
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 28, 2014, 05:53:13 am
They both die.
Post by: Lord_lemonpie on November 28, 2014, 07:41:35 am
A schoolbus filled with childeren
Post by: Helgoland on November 28, 2014, 08:32:42 am
A schoolbus with children who've been dead for a while.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 28, 2014, 12:12:34 pm
They don't pay her.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 28, 2014, 03:13:03 pm
Those chemists are doing some crazy stuff these days - you know how they make a hormone in the lab?I had to pronounce hormone the other way to understand this.
They don't pay her.
Post by: LeoLeonardoIII on November 28, 2014, 04:26:36 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 28, 2014, 05:01:33 pm
In what way were you pronouncing it?Harr-mone
Anyway.
What do you call an Englishman who thinks he's a Scotsman?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on November 28, 2014, 07:48:00 pm
Post by: pisskop on November 28, 2014, 07:53:53 pm
Whore-moan You get hoar moanal
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 28, 2014, 08:05:53 pm
...
This is a stupid American thing, isn't it?
Post by: Lyeos on November 28, 2014, 08:09:56 pm
This is a stupid American thing, isn't it?Nope. He may just be off his rocker.
Post by: 4maskwolf on November 28, 2014, 08:21:53 pm
Yeah... I'm 'Murrican and I pronounce it properly, so idk why he's pronouncing it like that.This is a stupid American thing, isn't it?Nope. He may just be off his rocker.
Post by: pisskop on November 28, 2014, 08:39:29 pm
Its totally american. Validate me YouTubes!!! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER49EweKwW8) @ 1:01
@ ~45
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMr71F-A1_4
whore moans 8) Its a stupid English thing.
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 28, 2014, 09:02:40 pm
They are hor-mones.They both sound the same. "Whore" and "hor" are phonetically very similar. Admittedly, the British seems to drag the vowel out a bit further, but it's hardly as ridiculous as what I was commenting on - "har", which is notably different and totally nonsensical.
Its totally american. Validate me YouTubes!!! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER49EweKwW8) @ 1:01
@ ~45
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMr71F-A1_4
whore moans 8) Its a stupid English thing.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on November 28, 2014, 10:00:04 pm
Post by: SlyStalker on November 28, 2014, 10:26:39 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 29, 2014, 12:53:26 am
Why are some gay men happy they have scrotums?-10 points, that made me laugh. Also grimace, but mostly laugh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jimmy on November 29, 2014, 01:25:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SlyStalker on November 29, 2014, 04:16:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: timferius on November 30, 2014, 07:23:07 pm
You could almost say he's
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on December 02, 2014, 12:26:51 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: scrdest on December 02, 2014, 01:11:23 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What happens if you drop a piano on an army base?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Parsely on December 02, 2014, 01:14:55 pm
bwahahahaha!Who are those people.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on December 02, 2014, 01:21:21 pm
What happens if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?What happened to the private who pushed the his superior out of the way?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What happens if you drop a piano on an army base?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Who are those people.Michael Brown and w.e. Wilson.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2014_Ferguson_unrest
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on December 06, 2014, 07:01:40 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on December 06, 2014, 11:39:41 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on December 09, 2014, 01:19:08 am
A.) He hires a ho ho ho
Q.) What's the difference between Christmas and Bicycle Day.
A.) One perversely celebrates the origin of something that has destroyed countless people's ability to think and reason, whereas the other is Bicycle Day.
EDIT:
Q.) What's the difference between traveling-salesman/farmer's-daughter jokes and dead baby jokes?
A.) Traveling salesman jokes don't turn me on sexually.
[Related Note: there must be a way to combine these two venerable joke paradigms. Perhaps the salesman is selling dead babies? Or he thinks he is having sex with the farmer's daughter but it turns out to be a dead baby?]
Q.) Whay's the difference between a bomb and a bottle of water?
A.) If you try to bring a bottle of water on an airplane it will be confiscated by the TSA
similarly...
Q.) What's the difference between a Kalashnikov and a soft pretzel?
A.) Security at a lot of stadiums won't let you in if you're carrying a soft pretzel.
circling back...
Q.) What's the difference between a soft pretzel and a dead baby?
A.) You'll eventually become malnourished if you only eat soft pretzels.
EDIT:
Q.) What's the difference between a bank robber and a black man?
A.) The police won't shoot a bank robber unless they have to.
Q.) Why is a crucifix like a noose?
A.) You use them both to masturbate.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on December 09, 2014, 07:37:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on December 09, 2014, 08:34:12 pm
A.) The fire department, because it's not a white supremicist organization
Post by: SlyStalker on December 16, 2014, 02:12:57 am
Post by: Rose on December 16, 2014, 03:15:01 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on December 16, 2014, 05:05:59 am
Quote from: http://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/2pf4g9/wp_everyone_in_town_knows_one_verse_of_the_riddle/cmw6uza
The seeker of knowledge must first pay its price
So my first is in nice, but not found in vice
A drink for the road, before you go far
My second is in beer but not at the bar
The magic of threes, the third one is plain
You'll seek me in vain, and find none in pain
I'll lend you my ear, but none from my air
The fourth is now clear, keep on if you dare
I'm found in the rain, but not in a chain
My fifth ends the word of this journey insane
My sixth starts anew, and is found in a ghost
But not found in horror, or moonbeam, or toast
And sweet number seven, a ring of surprise
Is found in my toes, but not in my ties
The eighth and ninth do seem quite similar here
They're not found in area, but both found in near
The tenth is the leader of all letters alike
It's found when you bake, but not when you bike
Eleven's an object of mystery and thrills
You'll find it in gills, but not in the chills
And twelve brings to mind our own windows to souls
It's stacked up in piles, but not found on poles
Thirteen will dispatch you to lands far and near
You'll see it when veering, but not when you're steering
Fourteen is like diamonds, existing forever
You'll find it in toffee, as well as in clever
The fifteenth one's coming, the answer's now clear
You'll find me this year, yes, but not in a spear
Now sixteen's so frightening, you'll scream out in shock
For it's in my bone, see, as well as my sock
And now we will see this enigma's true power
For seventeen's in tour but not in the tower
We're near the end now, eighteen is up next
You'll find it in tux, but not in this text
And now at the end, the final clue's here
You'll find me in happy, as well as the pier
Post by: Dutrius on December 16, 2014, 11:59:44 am
Spoiler: Riddle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Answer (click to show/hide)
Post by: tonnot98 on December 16, 2014, 12:37:17 pm
Post by: Bohandas on December 17, 2014, 12:12:45 am
Post by: Reelya on December 17, 2014, 12:17:25 am
Q.) What's the difference between Christmas and Bicycle Day.
A.) One perversely celebrates the origin of something that has destroyed countless people's ability to think and reason, whereas the other is Bicycle Day.
That joke just fails at even being terrible. The whole point of that joke structure is that you can misconstrue one thing for the other. e.g:
Q.) What's the difference between The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
A.) One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
^ Structurally, also notice that the element order is reversed in the answer part compared to the question part. This is important, if you had asked it as
Q.) What's the difference between Bicycle Day and Christmas
A.) One perversely celebrates the origin of something that has destroyed countless people's ability to think and reason. The other, of course, involves bicycles.
It actually works better. With your first version, I immediately was thinking "Christmas" for the answer. Putting bicycle day first makes it foremost in the mind. Also, break down the bicycle day thing in the answer too.
Post by: Bohandas on December 17, 2014, 01:28:45 am
Q.) What's the difference between The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
A.) One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
I wouldn't have gone with Lord of the Rings
Q. What's the difference between L. Ron Hubbard and Ayn Rand?
A. One wrote a collection of science-fiction books which became the focus of a dangerous cult, the other wrote Battlefield Earth
Post by: Bohandas on December 17, 2014, 01:41:45 am
Quote
Q.) What's the difference between Bicycle Day and Christmas
A.) One perversely celebrates the origin of something that has destroyed countless people's ability to think and reason. The other, of course, involves bicycles.
Also, perhaps the line line of this one should more properly be "the other one involves bicycles and LSD"
Post by: Dutchling on December 18, 2014, 08:02:46 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 19, 2014, 01:19:19 am
I painted my pc black because I thought it would run faster, but a cop shot it.
Edit: I just got it.
Post by: Knit tie on December 19, 2014, 05:08:17 am
I painted my pc black because I thought it would run faster, but it just stopped working :cWhy not red? Red 'unz go fasta.
Post by: Yoink on December 19, 2014, 05:11:49 am
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on December 19, 2014, 05:20:15 am
Post by: Helgoland on December 19, 2014, 05:27:16 am
Post by: a1s on December 19, 2014, 05:51:42 am
Post by: Yoink on December 19, 2014, 05:53:19 am
Post by: Descan on December 19, 2014, 09:01:57 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 19, 2014, 02:38:11 pm
I painted my PC black because I thought it would run faster, but it ran for president instead.
Post by: LuckyKobold on December 19, 2014, 04:06:10 pm
Okay right so three preachers go out to the lake so they can fish, A Protestant, A Catholic, And A Baptist. So they get in their boat and sail out to the middle of the lake when the Protestant says "Hey guys we're out of bait I'll go get some." the Protestant steps out of the boat onto the water walks across the lake and brings back fishing bait.Thirty minutes later the Catholic says "Hey guys I'm kinda hungry, I'll go get us something to eat." So the Catholic steps out of the boat onto the water and walks across the lake and brings back some food.So a few minutes later the Baptist says "Hey guys I'm kind of thirsty I'll go get something to wash the food down." So the Baptist steps out of the boat onto the water and sinks immediately and upon seeing this the Protestant says to the Catholic, "Hey uh, you think we should have told him where the rocks where?"
Post by: Sinistar on December 19, 2014, 04:27:48 pm
He liked magma before it was made into obsidian.
Post by: Lord_lemonpie on December 19, 2014, 05:51:13 pm
Spoiler: What's the main difference between American and Saudi-Arabian women? (click to show/hide)
im so sorry ;_;
Post by: Helgoland on December 19, 2014, 11:04:19 pm
-snip-Huh, I know that one with a Rabbi, a Catholic Priest and a (rather wet) Protestant Preacher. Different regions, different punching bags~
Post by: Worldmaster27 on December 20, 2014, 03:01:24 pm
Sherlock: Elementary, my dear Watson.
I can't remember if I saw this in the thread before or not.
Post by: Parsely on December 22, 2014, 05:55:10 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on December 22, 2014, 06:11:51 pm
Post by: Dutrius on December 23, 2014, 05:51:44 am
How many of each animal did Moses take on his ark?
A rooster lays an egg on a sloped roof. Which way does the egg roll?
Anyway, <div>How do you annoy a website designer?</span>
Post by: crazysheep on December 23, 2014, 06:12:00 am
Anyway, <div>How do you annoy a website designer?</span>can confirm that website designers cringe at this
Post by: hops on December 23, 2014, 07:39:00 am
Watson: I forget, what do they call primary school in the United States?Reminds me of this old joke...
Sherlock: Elementary, my dear Watson.
I can't remember if I saw this in the thread before or not.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Post by: SaberToothTiger on December 23, 2014, 12:19:47 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 24, 2014, 01:26:58 am
That reminds me of a joke test we did at school a few years back. Among the questions were:
How many of each animal did Moses take on his ark?
A rooster lays an egg on a sloped roof. Which way does the egg roll?
Spoiler: Obligatory xkcd (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on December 24, 2014, 01:57:38 am
Oh. No, now I get it, now that I saw the quotation marks around "The English - [ohgodmyhand]"
Post by: SaberToothTiger on December 24, 2014, 08:02:57 am
Post by: Sheb on December 24, 2014, 09:27:03 am
Post by: UXLZ on December 24, 2014, 11:15:14 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on December 24, 2014, 12:28:24 pm
Post by: Arx on December 24, 2014, 02:13:35 pm
Post by: a1s on December 24, 2014, 08:37:12 pm
The C64 book I had had a section about that, but they went the full distance and taught how to do it in words.You can't do 999999999 bottles in words. you need a Qword for that.:P
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 24, 2014, 08:51:36 pm
Post by: smeeprocket on December 24, 2014, 08:54:46 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 25, 2014, 03:19:12 am
Spoiler: Python (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on January 12, 2015, 05:51:54 am
"If I was a boxer my nickname would be "Eskom". Because when you least expect it, I'd knock your lights out."
"I wish airport security also ran the lottery because then I'd have a better chance of "randomly" winning."
Although the second one could be considered one of his favoured "what do you mean, too soon?" jokes/
Post by: Slayerhero90 on January 12, 2015, 08:21:06 am
Which mouse walks on two legs?
Which one?
Mickey! What duck walks on two legs?
Donald.
All ducks, dumbass!
Post by: Magnumcannon on January 12, 2015, 11:11:22 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on January 12, 2015, 11:19:15 pm
A. Mimes aren't funny.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on January 13, 2015, 04:53:33 pm
Post by: Baffler on January 13, 2015, 06:16:13 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 13, 2015, 08:18:13 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on January 13, 2015, 09:03:07 pm
Sure every bullet has someone's name on it but 20 kilos of ANFO is more 'To whom it may concern'Is that from here? (http://outofcontextdnd.tumblr.com/)
Notice my curses, senpai!
Post by: TheDarkStar on January 13, 2015, 09:05:35 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 13, 2015, 09:07:00 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on January 13, 2015, 09:27:46 pm
Some of these really are joke worthy;
"I'm gonna roll seduction to see which way the door swings."
Post by: Tawa on January 13, 2015, 09:35:05 pm
Quote from: That Thing You Linked
No Soren, there is nothing magical in the bathroom.what (http://fireemblem.wikia.com/wiki/Soren)
Post by: Mr. Strange on January 13, 2015, 09:51:08 pm
Quote from: The bear
Please, dear god, LUBRICATE THE BEARI laughed more than I shoud have.
Post by: Bohandas on January 14, 2015, 03:16:34 am
EDIT:
I have a dream that one day this nation will go to school naked and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on January 14, 2015, 06:30:39 pm
Sure every bullet has someone's name on it but 20 kilos of ANFO is more 'To whom it may concern'Sigtastical
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 14, 2015, 11:17:08 pm
I have just been sigged
This is amazing
Thank you, I think your the first person to do that
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 15, 2015, 12:57:04 am
Post by: pisskop on January 15, 2015, 12:58:16 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 15, 2015, 07:30:10 am
I guess OW/II, whoever you are are the first person to actually sig me then...
How do you like your sacrifices?
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 15, 2015, 07:33:19 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 15, 2015, 07:34:47 am
"DAD WHERE ARE THE STEAKS FROM LAST MONTH?!?!?!?"
Post by: Yoink on January 15, 2015, 07:56:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on January 15, 2015, 08:06:30 am
What's it called when a young cow couple have a baby when they aren't ready to raise a child?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
ftfy
Post by: SaberToothTiger on January 15, 2015, 08:56:53 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on January 15, 2015, 04:49:16 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
please dont kill me ;-;
Post by: McDonald on January 16, 2015, 12:28:15 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on January 16, 2015, 12:30:23 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 16, 2015, 12:34:25 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on January 16, 2015, 02:48:32 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 16, 2015, 05:09:32 pm
Post by: Tawa on January 16, 2015, 05:53:22 pm
Post by: Magnumcannon on January 16, 2015, 07:32:18 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 16, 2015, 07:47:33 pm
A father will vaugely remember that there are short people running around his house and eating his food.
Post by: rabidgam3r on January 17, 2015, 12:13:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What kind of tea expands your mind?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What kind of tea does everyone ignore?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on January 17, 2015, 12:21:27 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on January 17, 2015, 02:41:23 pm
and then you will scream for merctea
Post by: Redzephyr01 on January 17, 2015, 02:43:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on January 17, 2015, 02:45:55 pm
merctea
merc teaShould I call Ike to bring the biscuits? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercenaries_in_popular_culture#Computer_and_video_games)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on January 18, 2015, 11:51:51 am
Post by: Arx on January 23, 2015, 12:51:38 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on January 24, 2015, 03:48:46 am
Post by: UXLZ on January 24, 2015, 07:20:44 am
Spoiler: Much Joke, Such Words (click to show/hide)
If this breaks the forums or something, a mod can delete it if they want .
Post by: Arx on January 24, 2015, 07:28:14 am
Well, does it?
The joke is on 'waxing' meaning pulling out hair, and 'waxing lyrical' meaning becoming lyrical. Waxing can be done by a barber, and there is a type of singing quartet called a barbershop quartet (tenor, lead (lower than the tenor, not sure of the actual part), baritone, bass).
Spoiler: Much Joke, Such Words (click to show/hide)
If this breaks the forums or something, a mod can delete it if they want .
The character limit is forty thousand. Text doesn't break the forums.
Post by: UXLZ on January 24, 2015, 07:30:43 am
Post by: Arx on January 24, 2015, 07:32:30 am
Edit:
remember this?
*sigh*, it needs more longness. It's too much of a pain writing this out by hand, so I should probably write myself a computer script that simply outputs it into a text document. Something like Text, 100000000-X, where X is the cycle number. Then again, I have no idea how to code. xD
It's a nearly two megabyte text file. (https://www.dropbox.com/s/xvlo5pjctuxmhw1/bottles.txt?dl=0)
Post by: UXLZ on January 24, 2015, 08:01:23 am
Post by: Arx on January 24, 2015, 08:06:41 am
Post by: UXLZ on January 24, 2015, 08:09:30 am
You could probably slow computers to a crawl with a slight modification to that code, actually...
Make it repeat ad infinitum. xD
Unless there are automatic safeguards?
Post by: That Wolf on January 24, 2015, 08:34:04 am
So they buried him on top of the cabnet
Post by: Yoink on January 24, 2015, 05:33:12 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 24, 2015, 06:20:18 pm
Me. I wrote almost all of it when you first made that post, but didn't have the time to finish it. It's not complicated - 34 lines, of which all but ten are auto-generated default stuff.In what language? That's like five lines in Python.
Post by: Arx on January 25, 2015, 12:00:23 am
Post by: Dutchling on January 28, 2015, 05:16:37 am
Post by: hops on January 28, 2015, 08:33:25 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 29, 2015, 04:01:35 am
Post by: Dorfs R Fun on January 29, 2015, 09:17:44 am
because then they would be baygulls.
Post by: pisskop on January 29, 2015, 09:19:33 am
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay area?You mean Bagels?
because then they would be baygulls.
Post by: Dorfs R Fun on January 29, 2015, 09:30:09 am
That would be a terrible joke and offensive to baygulls.Why don't seagulls fly over the bay area?You mean Bagels?
because then they would be baygulls.
Post by: hector13 on January 29, 2015, 11:31:31 am
But then you get the image of winged bagels! Which the baygulls would eat.That would be a terrible joke and offensive to baygulls.Why don't seagulls fly over the bay area?You mean Bagels?
because then they would be baygulls.
Even though bagels are disgusting.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on January 29, 2015, 12:29:07 pm
-Oh, Pierre, you have a bit of a stain there on your lapel, - she says.
-God, what an embarrassment, I don't know what to do with myself, - he replies, and slinks off.
She then goes to dance with Andre Bolkonsky.
-Andre, your waiscoat's a bit rumpled! - she says.
Bolkonsky faints and is carried away, so she goes to dance with Rzhevsky.
-poruchik, there's so much mud on your boots, que disgrâce!
-Mademoiselle, that's not mud, that's shit. It'll fall off when it dries up.
Post by: Helgoland on January 29, 2015, 12:41:07 pm
Post by: DJ on January 29, 2015, 12:43:16 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on January 29, 2015, 12:49:10 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 29, 2015, 03:09:05 pm
therefore
W=TM
Money is the root of all evil
so
M=-/e (can't do the square root sign so just act like that's it
Time is money so
T= M
If we plug in the little bits we get
W=-/e x -/e
W=-/e^2
W=e
Women= Evil
Post by: timferius on January 29, 2015, 03:18:44 pm
Women cost time and moneyI was so proud of that equation as a teenager (had it memorized). Now I just look back and sigh at myself.
therefore
W=TM
Money is the root of all evil
so
M=-/e (can't do the square root sign so just act like that's it
Time is money so
T= M
If we plug in the little bits we get
W=-/e x -/e
W=-/e^2
W=e
Women= Evil
I mean, where's the pun?
Post by: pisskop on January 29, 2015, 04:00:16 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on January 29, 2015, 04:56:51 pm
It's a terrible joke so it fits in here
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on January 29, 2015, 06:10:31 pm
Spoiler: Poruchik Rzhevsky and the Ballroom Wall (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Poruchik Rzhevsky and the Bathroom Window (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Poruchik Rzhevsky and the Secrets of Astronomy (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Poruchik Rzhevsky and the Extra Candle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Poruchik Rzhevsky and the Echo (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on January 29, 2015, 06:17:22 pm
Post by: SirQuiamus on January 29, 2015, 08:10:14 pm
A monkey and a donkey were walking down the road. The monkey looked at the donkey and said: "Jesus Christ, you've got a big-ass dick!," and Jesus replied: "Uh-huh. And so does my donkey."
Post by: Helgoland on January 30, 2015, 09:32:03 am
Loved those two. What's the 'otten' in the last one from, though?Spoiler: Poruchik Rzhevsky and the Secrets of Astronomy (click to show/hide)Spoiler: Poruchik Rzhevsky and the Extra Candle (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on January 30, 2015, 09:38:28 am
Post by: Antsan on January 30, 2015, 09:55:32 am
"Rotten". In the original, it was a generic exclamation related to having had relations with yo momma, so I just made something up on the spot.Let me guess:
Spoiler: foul language (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on January 30, 2015, 09:57:22 am
"Rotten". In the original, it was a generic exclamation related to having had relations with yo momma, so I just made something up on the spot.Let me guess:Spoiler: foul language (click to show/hide)
It's
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Antsan on January 30, 2015, 10:06:53 am
And I was even so very sure about "твоё", but those Russian lessons where so long ago…
Post by: hops on January 30, 2015, 10:27:37 am
Well, at least after I learn chinese, korean, japanese, and lojban.
Post by: Comrade P. on January 30, 2015, 10:32:48 am
Post by: Bumblebee on January 30, 2015, 11:54:11 am
That's why they disappeared, children.
And the best language to learn ever is the Nganasan language! Do you know what is the nganasan for "comrade", for example? It's "nya" ^_^ Isn't it a weighty reason to study it? ~cuuute language~~~~cawaii language~
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 30, 2015, 12:33:47 pm
QQQ QQQQ QQ QQQQQQ Q QQQQ QQQ?
Post by: Bumblebee on January 30, 2015, 01:03:56 pm
And Nganasan is a language worth STUDYING. That's it. Q?
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 30, 2015, 01:07:48 pm
Spoiler: Translation (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on January 30, 2015, 04:20:21 pm
...wait
Post by: TheDarkStar on January 30, 2015, 11:07:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on January 30, 2015, 11:08:23 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on January 30, 2015, 11:32:04 pm
Guys, this is the terrible jokes thread, not the dadaist conversation thread. :P
Huh, I did not know that is what Google Translate actually translated my post as. I guess I'll have to find another website for translating things into Q.
:P
Post by: Bohandas on January 30, 2015, 11:51:10 pm
A.) Because they're platonic solids.
Post by: Bohandas on January 31, 2015, 02:19:33 am
A.) Toxoplasma Gandhi
Post by: hops on February 05, 2015, 05:11:07 pm
Quote from: George W. Bush
Our country is strong. USA will not surrender. In the face of diversity that threaten the American Way, we will fight against it. We will not give in.
Post by: Helgoland on February 05, 2015, 06:05:23 pm
Q.) Why didn't the Dodecahedron have sex with the Icosahedron?Why are those solids called platonic? Because they lack the cavities required for anything more.
A.) Because they're platonic solids.
What's got four legs and loose morals? A whorse.
Post by: Bohandas on February 06, 2015, 03:13:48 am
A.) Colon *POW!*
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 06, 2015, 08:20:50 am
Post by: Descan on February 06, 2015, 08:28:03 am
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on February 06, 2015, 04:29:24 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on February 06, 2015, 06:15:43 pm
I would love to study Russian, German, French, Chinese, Arabic, Latin, and Ancient Greek
A terrible joke indeed - absolutely unclear.
Post by: Dutchling on February 08, 2015, 06:24:15 pm
Spoiler: does this count? (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on February 08, 2015, 09:46:05 pm
Nah that's funny. Not terrible.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on February 08, 2015, 10:09:27 pm
what do you call a fish without legs
a fish
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 08, 2015, 11:09:43 pm
Post by: Tawa on February 08, 2015, 11:15:46 pm
Steve has a cold. He coughs a lot. For some reason, every time he has a serious coughing fit, some high-profile website like Facebook or the NSA's site goes down for a few hours, which Steve hears about on the news. After his cold goes away, the constant apparent DDS attacks disappear, too. Steve wonders why while he drives to work a few days later.
Then it hits him.
He had a hacking cough.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on February 09, 2015, 04:27:29 am
No, not a limo.
The other one.
Post by: pisskop on February 09, 2015, 06:18:30 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 09, 2015, 06:56:56 am
sudanI AM BECOME OMAR AL-BASHIR
Post by: Bohandas on February 10, 2015, 02:19:18 am
A.) No soap, radio.
Post by: Morrigi on February 10, 2015, 02:28:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on February 10, 2015, 02:33:56 am
How would you pick up a hot girl in Auschwitz?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"My grandfather died at Auschwitz... He fell from a watchtower" -Uwe Boll, Postal
Post by: Morrigi on February 10, 2015, 07:26:06 am
"My grandfather died at Auschwitz as well... A guard fell on him."How would you pick up a hot girl in Auschwitz?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"My grandfather died at Auschwitz... He fell from a watchtower" -Uwe Boll, Postal
Also, http://russia-insider.com/en/2015/02/06/3199
According to 2 years of Kremlin research, President Obama is actually a lizard from outer space.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 10, 2015, 07:42:32 am
Post by: hector13 on February 10, 2015, 09:15:02 am
Post by: Morrigi on February 10, 2015, 10:06:42 am
Post by: tonnot98 on February 10, 2015, 10:29:06 am
He was a short medium at large.
When William joined the army, he disliked the phrase: Fire at will.
Post by: Bohandas on February 11, 2015, 12:34:33 am
A.) Aqua Teen Hunger Games
Post by: Akura on February 11, 2015, 09:02:40 am
Q.) What do you call a show where smart mouthed fast-food products fight a yearly deathmatch in a futuristic dystopia?
A.) Aqua Teen Hunger Games
...Might not be a bad concept, actually.
Post by: pisskop on February 11, 2015, 10:36:48 am
Isn't that the setting of every episode though?Q.) What do you call a show where smart mouthed fast-food products fight a yearly deathmatch in a futuristic dystopia?
A.) Aqua Teen Hunger Games
...Might not be a bad concept, actually.
Post by: Comrade P. on February 11, 2015, 10:41:56 am
Post by: Bohandas on February 12, 2015, 12:59:10 am
A.) a hare-piece
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 12, 2015, 06:22:23 pm
1. Hey Girl! Can I take your derivative? Cause I want to lie tangent to your curves!
2. Hey Girl! Can I take your second derivative? Cause I want to investigate your concavities!
Post by: Slayerhero90 on February 12, 2015, 07:03:06 pm
Calculus pickup lines:i hate you for these
1. Hey Girl! Can I take your derivative? Cause I want to lie tangent to your curves!
2. Hey Girl! Can I take your second derivative? Cause I want to investigate your concavities!
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 12, 2015, 07:03:51 pm
Post by: rabidgam3r on February 12, 2015, 11:47:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 12, 2015, 11:49:54 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on February 12, 2015, 11:51:13 pm
ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A SEATTLE SEAHAWKS JOKE?screw you.
Also yes please.
Edit: to clarify, im saying screw you because I live in Portland, and the Seahawks are our home team.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 12, 2015, 11:52:47 pm
Nevermind, I'll pass.ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A SEATTLE SEAHAWKS JOKE?screw you.
Also yes please.
Post by: 4maskwolf on February 12, 2015, 11:53:33 pm
Nonono, please do, I was making a joke then realized you don't know where I live so you would take it the wrong way.Nevermind, I'll pass.ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A SEATTLE SEAHAWKS JOKE?screw you.
Also yes please.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 12, 2015, 11:54:45 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 12, 2015, 11:55:26 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 12, 2015, 11:56:24 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on February 13, 2015, 12:01:35 am
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 13, 2015, 12:03:31 am
Nevermind, I'll pass.ANYBODY WANT TO HEAR A SEATTLE SEAHAWKS JOKE?screw you.
Also yes please.
*waiting intensifies*
Post by: pisskop on February 13, 2015, 12:05:59 am
Post by: Descan on February 13, 2015, 12:07:47 am
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 13, 2015, 12:09:29 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 13, 2015, 12:13:57 am
Post by: Tawa on February 13, 2015, 12:15:14 am
What do you call it when the leader of the USSR is putting off work?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 13, 2015, 12:16:33 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 13, 2015, 12:18:30 am
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 13, 2015, 12:21:17 am
Post by: Rose on February 13, 2015, 01:38:36 am
Post by: Antsan on February 13, 2015, 06:07:58 am
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on February 13, 2015, 07:47:54 am
Post by: Antsan on February 13, 2015, 07:59:00 am
Post by: pisskop on February 13, 2015, 08:40:26 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 13, 2015, 08:47:08 am
I also watched the game and feel like a retard for not remembering it
Post by: Arx on February 13, 2015, 09:13:11 am
So yeah, the joke went over my head.
Post by: Descan on February 13, 2015, 09:17:28 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
There, a little historical linguistics joke to get us back on target.
Post by: Egan_BW on February 13, 2015, 09:13:52 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on February 13, 2015, 09:18:21 pm
What did Th say to þ?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
There, a little historical linguistics joke to get us back on target.
Q.) What did þ say to Th?
A.) "Why?"
That's a historical movable type joke
Post by: Descan on February 14, 2015, 10:58:26 am
Post by: ggamer on February 14, 2015, 07:48:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutchling on February 14, 2015, 07:50:51 pm
Post by: MeimieFan88 on February 14, 2015, 11:04:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on February 16, 2015, 05:32:26 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on February 16, 2015, 06:57:58 pm
Post by: hector13 on February 16, 2015, 06:59:36 pm
Later this year they're coming out with a new Star Wars film... Episode 16.
Better than Rocky or Terminator
Post by: lordpyridine on February 16, 2015, 07:24:49 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 16, 2015, 10:22:37 pm
the "o" in the word "women" makes the "i" sound,
and the "ti" in the word "nation" makes the "sh" sound.
Shouldn't "ghoti" spell "fish"?
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 16, 2015, 10:30:08 pm
if the "gh" sound in the word "enough" makes the "f" sound,No, because English is a depraved whore of a language.
the "o" in the word "women" makes the "i" sound,
and the "ti" in the word "nation" makes the "sh" sound.
Shouldn't "ghoti" spell "fish"?
Post by: iceball3 on February 16, 2015, 10:44:24 pm
They were meanderthals.
Post by: NAV on February 16, 2015, 11:12:17 pm
They were neanderfalls.
Post by: Bohandas on February 16, 2015, 11:44:22 pm
Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
Morgan Freeman narrated his own birth (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch5MEJk5ZCQ)
----------------
Spoiler: crass (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on February 20, 2015, 06:39:07 am
the "o" in the word "women" makes the "i" sound,
...do people where you live unironically pronounce it 'wimmen'?
Post by: pisskop on February 20, 2015, 06:44:54 am
We dont say 'the woe-men cross the street', but 'the wimen'.
For woman, its 'wuman'
Post by: Arx on February 20, 2015, 07:07:22 am
Post by: pisskop on February 20, 2015, 07:37:26 am
Post by: Tack on February 20, 2015, 12:31:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Surprised I haven't seen this one yet, it's older than the book, but:
How do you fit an elephant in your fridge?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The Lion king throws a party and all the animals of the forest are invited. Who's not coming?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How do you safely cross a crocodile-infested river?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 20, 2015, 05:14:20 pm
New Zealand?the "o" in the word "women" makes the "i" sound,...do people where you live unironically pronounce it 'wimmen'?
Though we're probably not a good example on correct pronunciation.
/me goes beck to hees fush in chups.
Post by: pisskop on February 20, 2015, 05:16:32 pm
New Zealand?the "o" in the word "women" makes the "i" sound,...do people where you live unironically pronounce it 'wimmen'?
Though we're probably not a good example on correct pronunciation.
/me goes beck to hees fush in chups.
Darn right. Its called 'Free-Dum Fr-Eyes', you silly islander.
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 20, 2015, 05:19:10 pm
Post by: Bohandas on February 20, 2015, 05:40:31 pm
Hahahahahaha (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_freedom_indices)
Looking at that chart I think I'd like to move to Namibia or Vanuatu
Post by: pisskop on February 20, 2015, 05:42:40 pm
Post by: hops on February 20, 2015, 06:00:02 pm
Post by: ggamer on February 20, 2015, 06:12:45 pm
Post by: Helgoland on February 20, 2015, 06:36:26 pm
Robots? Seriously?
Post by: Morrigi on February 20, 2015, 07:28:04 pm
I learned it as 'wimmin' in school, and I would be inclined to believe that Arx has just become a victim of weird South African languageYeah, I have the most generic, boring, American Midwestern accent ever and it's the same here.
Post by: RedWarrior0 on February 20, 2015, 08:48:51 pm
Or at least, that's what I heard.
Post by: Dorfs R Fun on February 21, 2015, 01:23:54 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 21, 2015, 01:27:50 am
The phone green, I pink it up and say yellow!... what
Post by: Dorfs R Fun on February 21, 2015, 01:37:10 am
Terrible jokes are Terra-edible. If you say it out loud it makes more sense.The phone green, I pink it up and say yellow!... what
Color puns, I think.
Edit: Actually, none of this makes cents, and if you don't have any cents there will be no change.
Edit2: I can't believe I post this shit. I shouldn't be allowed to drink wine and internet at the same time.
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 21, 2015, 01:48:13 am
Edit2: I can't believe I post this shit. I shouldn't be allowed to drink wine and internet at the same time.It's fine. This is the terrible jokes thread, they're supposed to be bad.
Post by: Tawa on February 21, 2015, 01:54:14 am
Hahahahahaha (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_freedom_indices)Screw it, I'm moving to Canada someday. The fruit of my loins deserve better.
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 21, 2015, 02:29:08 am
Post by: Bohandas on February 21, 2015, 02:40:31 am
A.) A Pina Colonic
Post by: Arx on February 21, 2015, 12:00:06 pm
I learned it as 'wimmin' in school, and I would be inclined to believe that Arx has just become a victim of weird South African language funkiness.
No, you guys have the weird accents. After all, we definitely have the least national languages in the world. Not the most.
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 21, 2015, 06:47:08 pm
Quote from: Official Languages of South Africa
Afrikaans
Northern Sotho
English
Southern Ndebele
Southern Sotho
Swazi
Tsonga
Tswana
Venda
Xhosa
Zulu
Post by: pisskop on February 21, 2015, 06:57:32 pm
Every posh in Britain that didn't want to see London ever again went there
Post by: Tack on February 22, 2015, 10:03:41 pm
Then there was a series of civil wars.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 22, 2015, 10:05:50 pm
What did the unemployed cancer cells do?
Spoiler: I'm so sorry (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on February 22, 2015, 10:49:14 pm
This is actually a BAAAD joke.
What did the unemployed cancer cells do?Spoiler: I'm so sorry (click to show/hide)
LOL
Post by: rabidgam3r on February 22, 2015, 10:53:07 pm
This is actually a BAAAD joke.
What did the unemployed cancer cells do?Spoiler: I'm so sorry (click to show/hide)
You are a sad, twisted little creature.
I laughed so, so hard. :(
Post by: Bohandas on February 22, 2015, 11:29:05 pm
This is actually a BAAAD joke.
What did the unemployed cancer cells do?Spoiler: I'm so sorry (click to show/hide)
Best thing for them to do in that situation
Post by: Jiharo on February 23, 2015, 04:13:32 am
As weeks and months passed, adventurer's son, an explorer in his own right, began to worry about his father. Following a trail of tavern brawls, monster slayings and criminal records he managed to find his father's final destination. When he approached the tower his sight met the broken, picked clean by vultures skeleton of adventurer. Son was overcome by sadness and cried "Father, why'd you have to die? What was the reason of your downfall?" So huge was his grief that he couldn't hear as his father's ghost that was hovering nearby replied
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Morrigi on February 23, 2015, 05:09:20 am
This is actually a BAAAD joke.10/10 awful/hilarious
What did the unemployed cancer cells do?Spoiler: I'm so sorry (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on February 23, 2015, 05:12:18 am
Post by: BlackFlyme on February 23, 2015, 05:34:46 pm
The bartender takes a look at them and says:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Professor Lemur on February 23, 2015, 05:40:41 pm
Bard.
Post by: Yoink on February 23, 2015, 05:53:40 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 23, 2015, 06:08:27 pm
Post by: Professor Lemur on February 23, 2015, 06:42:12 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 23, 2015, 06:46:37 pm
.,(
Post by: Professor Lemur on February 23, 2015, 07:02:11 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 23, 2015, 07:09:06 pm
Visual Anterior
axis pole Anterior
\\ | chamber
\..|.. /
Conjunctiva .:``\\'|'```/'.
| ,:''..'"\"|""/'..`<-----Cornea
..,:',;'____\\| ____`;.`:...
Iris----->;-~~~~..-\+--..~~~~-;./'~~`Ciliary body
,;'.:;;;==(Lens X `)=|;;;;. `; `\
Medial ,;'' ;'|'''| `:.. |\ ..;' |`````:. `;|,
rectus->' Ciliary | ```+\\' | `:./' `:.
.;',;' .;muscle | | \ Posterior :. :;.`:
,',' ;; Lens | \\ chamber ;; ;.` `
;' ;: ligament| \ ;; ;
; ;: | \\ ;; ;
; ;: Vitreous | \ ;<-------Retina
; ;:. | \\ ;; ;
`; `:. | \ ;';<------Choroid
`; `:. Optic | \\ ;',' ;
`; `:`. disk | \ ;';' <------Sclera
`; `: :./ | \\Fovea,';' ;'
`, `.;..,, | \| .'',' .;'
`;. .:::: ```...|...'''\/'.:' ;'
Dura,' .:::::`,,,,..|..,,,,''' ,;''
; /:::::: ''|'' ..;''
/Optic:| ;,....|....,,;'''
nerve:| ; ``+''
|
Posterior
pole -Catalyst
Which part doesn't work?
Post by: Tawa on February 23, 2015, 07:12:11 pm
That's a little better.
Visual Anterior
axis pole Anterior
\\ | chamber
\..|.. /
Conjunctiva .:``\\'|'```/'.
| ,:''..'"\"|""/'..`<-----Cornea
..,:',;'____\\| ____`;.`:...
Iris----->;-~~~~..-\+--..~~~~-;./'~~`Ciliary body
,;'.:;;;==(Lens X `)=|;;;;. `; `\
Medial ,;'' ;'|'''| `:.. |\ ..;' |`````:. `;|,
rectus->' Ciliary | ```+\\' | `:./' `:.
.;',;' .;muscle | | \ Posterior :. :;.`:
,',' ;; Lens | \\ chamber ;; ;.` `
;' ;: ligament| \ ;; ;
; ;: | \\ ;; ;
; ;: Vitreous | \ ;<-------Retina
; ;:. | \\ ;; ;
`; `:. | \ ;';<------Choroid
`; `:. Optic | \\ ;',' ;
`; `:`. disk | \ ;';' <------Sclera
`; `: :./ | \\Fovea,';' ;'
`, `.;..,, | \| .'',' .;'
`;. .:::: ```...|...'''\/'.:' ;'
Dura,' .:::::`,,,,..|..,,,,''' ,;''
; /:::::: ''|'' ..;''
/Optic:| ;,....|....,,;'''
nerve:| ; ``+''
|
Posterior
pole -Catalyst
Which part doesn't work?
Post by: Tack on February 23, 2015, 07:17:00 pm
Post by: Professor Lemur on February 23, 2015, 07:53:14 pm
Post by: Graknorke on February 23, 2015, 08:15:21 pm
It's a little horrifying that the original eye seems to resemble a heart.
Actually I kind of see it, now that I'm looking for it.
Post by: Bohandas on February 23, 2015, 10:26:44 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 23, 2015, 10:28:57 pm
Post by: hops on February 23, 2015, 10:30:01 pm
Pithy quotes are for fools who haven't parodied Karl Marx enough.After seeing a shell explode in Chemnitz
"Oh dear, that's going to leave quite a Marx." - Chemnitz citizen
Post by: ggamer on February 23, 2015, 10:31:47 pm
Please no racist jokes.
Please, i'm not racist and neither is he.
Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
Post by: Bohandas on February 23, 2015, 10:36:51 pm
A.) One dead baby in five trashcans?
Q.) What's worse than one dead baby in five trashcans?
A.) Having to take care of a living baby.
Post by: Descan on February 23, 2015, 10:37:06 pm
Post by: ggamer on February 23, 2015, 10:39:11 pm
Honestly i've heard much worse jokes, one of which involving processed fruit and children, let's not start drawing lines now.
Post by: hector13 on February 23, 2015, 10:42:10 pm
Post by: Tack on February 24, 2015, 12:57:17 am
Please no racist jokes.This has already been stated and slated. It's a 'terrible jokes' thread, and all the racist ones are spoilered.
Plus, that one was anti-semantic. Not racist. Gosh.
That being said I was gonna put down a bunch of Indigenous Australian jokes, but instead I got drunk and fell asleep on the highway.
Post by: Helgoland on February 24, 2015, 12:44:50 pm
Heh, didn't know that one.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
And yeah, prohibiting racist, sexist etc jokes would mean a fairly quick death for this thread.
Post by: Bohandas on February 24, 2015, 12:58:23 pm
A.) "Nice asterisk"
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 24, 2015, 12:59:20 pm
You say that like it's better. [sarcasm]I don't care about Jews and Negroes, but the branch of linguistics that studies meanings is very dear and important to me.[/sarcasm]Please no racist jokes.Plus, that one was anti-semantic. Not racist. Gosh.
Post by: Redzephyr01 on February 24, 2015, 05:11:06 pm
Post by: hops on February 24, 2015, 05:18:37 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 24, 2015, 05:21:07 pm
Post by: Redzephyr01 on February 24, 2015, 05:23:38 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 24, 2015, 05:27:29 pm
do none of you notice that tack said "anti-semantic (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semantics)
are my sarcasm tags invisible
are you screwing with me it's three am here and i am only functioning on sheer hate
Post by: Yoink on February 24, 2015, 05:28:09 pm
Post by: Redzephyr01 on February 24, 2015, 05:29:12 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 24, 2015, 05:33:13 pm
...Well? Post the punchline already, damnit!
[sarcasm]I don't care about Jews and Negroes, but the branch of linguistics that studies meanings is very dear and important to me.[/sarcasm]
God, I suck at this with loud and inappropriate slurping noises. Brb sleep.
Post by: ggamer on February 24, 2015, 05:40:15 pm
Post by: Tawa on February 24, 2015, 05:40:54 pm
Post by: Dutchling on February 24, 2015, 05:42:43 pm
Spoiler: speaking of negroes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on February 24, 2015, 05:44:58 pm
Post by: Dutchling on February 24, 2015, 05:45:44 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on February 24, 2015, 06:18:47 pm
/me laughs nervously
Honestly i've heard much worse jokes, one of which involving processed fruit and children, let's not start drawing lines now.
Quote from: tumblr
bad and naughty children are put in the pear wiggler to atone for their sins
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on February 24, 2015, 06:27:37 pm
ohSpoiler: speaking of negroes (click to show/hide)
ohmy
That's... quite the random occurrence.
Post by: scrdest on February 24, 2015, 06:34:49 pm
Why are all jazz pianists into BDSM?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on February 24, 2015, 06:36:35 pm
E: How does one get a Dr. Who fan into bed despite having a small penis? Just say 'Trust me, it's big on the inside'.
Post by: hops on February 24, 2015, 08:35:46 pm
Post by: DJ on February 25, 2015, 10:13:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on February 25, 2015, 03:20:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 25, 2015, 03:29:27 pm
-10 points, actually funny.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Professor Lemur on February 25, 2015, 07:06:59 pm
Post by: hops on February 25, 2015, 07:19:36 pm
Post by: Professor Lemur on February 25, 2015, 07:20:33 pm
Post by: ggamer on February 25, 2015, 07:27:39 pm
OHOHO
SHET
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on February 25, 2015, 08:50:37 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on February 25, 2015, 11:30:06 pm
Post by: Bohandas on February 26, 2015, 02:09:23 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on February 26, 2015, 02:39:29 am
Post by: scrdest on February 26, 2015, 05:22:00 am
Here are some punchlines that I don't have jokes for yet. (If someone can think of setup lines for them I'd appreciate it):Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Those sound like Cards Against Humanity white cards.
Post by: Bohandas on February 28, 2015, 11:38:48 pm
A.) They both have colons
Post by: crazysheep on March 01, 2015, 12:17:30 am
Q.) Why is grammar like the gastrointestinal tract?10/10 would giggle again, was not terrible :P
A.) They both have colons
Post by: Dorfs R Fun on March 02, 2015, 06:56:33 pm
What did the sheep say to the ship sailing stalwartly towards the sunset?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on March 02, 2015, 10:27:58 pm
Anything you want, it's not coming to you either way!
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it!
Post by: Bohandas on March 02, 2015, 10:35:32 pm
A.) Eileen
Q.) What do you call an asian-american woman with one leg?
A.) Irene
Post by: pisskop on March 02, 2015, 10:38:23 pm
Post by: Tack on March 02, 2015, 10:41:15 pm
Q.) What do you call a woman with one leg?What do you call a woman with no legs?
A.) Eileen
Q.) What do you call an asian-american woman with one leg?
A.) Irene
Stumped.
Post by: Bohandas on March 03, 2015, 02:13:51 am
A.) Long Wang.
Post by: Dorfs R Fun on March 03, 2015, 02:22:22 am
Q)What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the water?
A)Bob
Q)What do call a guy with no arms and no legs lying on the floor?
A)Matt
Q)What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in the bathroom?
A)John
Post by: Bohandas on March 03, 2015, 02:26:49 am
A.) They both crash frequently
Post by: Bohandas on March 03, 2015, 02:32:13 am
Nevermind, it got deleted.
Post by: Akura on March 03, 2015, 09:04:21 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on March 03, 2015, 09:57:16 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SaberToothTiger on March 03, 2015, 11:24:48 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on March 03, 2015, 11:36:05 am
3) Pushkin, deep in thought.
2) Pushkin, gazing up at the stars.
1) Stalin, reading a book by Pushkin.
Post by: hops on March 04, 2015, 04:08:29 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on March 04, 2015, 11:05:12 am
in a similar vein:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A judge come out of the Hall of Justice laughing. A colleague asks him why he is laughing, so he replies:
- I just heard the most amazing joke.
- Will you tell it [to me]?
- Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to 10 years for that!
A new prisoner arrives to the soviet prison, so the inmates start asking him questions:
- How many years did they give you?
- 10 - he says.
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
- You're lying - the inmates say- they only give 5 years for nothing.
And finally this one is not very good (so it fits right in, see?) but I like the flow:
Two men are in a tram (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tram) in the 1950s. One asks the other:
- Do you know what the difference is between Earth and Space? A dog's (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=its+a+dogs+life) life (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soviet_space_dogs) is ended it space but it continues on Earth.
- Ah -says the other - but do you know what the difference is between you and this tram? The tram will go on it's way, but you're going with me. - he pulls out his KGB id.
- Oh -says the first again- but do you know what the difference is between you and me? None at all. - he also pulls out his KGB id.
Post by: Comrade P. on March 04, 2015, 01:17:08 pm
Two men are in a tram (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tram) in the 1950s. One asks the other:
- Do you know what the difference is between Earth and Space? A dog's (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=its+a+dogs+life) life (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soviet_space_dogs) is ended it space but it continues on Earth.
- Ah -says the other - but do you know what the difference is between you and this tram? The tram will go on it's way, but you're going with me. - he pulls out his KGB id.
- Oh -says the first again- but do you know what the difference is between you and me? None at all. - he also pulls out his KGB id.
That's... good. So good.
Post by: Tack on March 04, 2015, 01:26:02 pm
Who's there?
Latvian.
Latvian who?
Please Latvian, Is so cold.
That's right, it's post-soviet kicking bag country joke time!
Spoiler: Yeah, it's kinda dark (click to show/hide)
Edit: For those that don't enjoy being triggered, the wood shop post in the sad thread caused me to think up this scorcher.
Once upon a time Jim was about to eat a hotdog when he saw a sauce bottle with a lightning bolt on it. He knew it was hotsauce, but was really curious about it, so he tried to open the squeeze top, causing it to spill on his arm- and it stung! Startled, Jim went to wash off, but saw that it had left a nasty rash.
The next day when he woke up, he noticed that his rash had worsened. Not only had it gotten darker, but it had seemed to localize on two equidistant spots on his forearm. Curious, he touched one of the sores on his arm, but he didn't feel anything. Touching the other one yielded a similar result, but when he touched them both together, they zapped him!
Curious about this new source of electricity, Jim hid his arm wounds all through the day at school until Shop Class. Spotting an electric saw, he grabbed the power cable and Jammed It Straight Into His Arm!
The saw whirred into life, and then Jimmy immediately dropped dead, drained of energy.
The moral of the story is:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Graknorke on March 04, 2015, 07:53:20 pm
Two latvian look at sky.My sides should not be this far gone at this time of night.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.
Whole sky is cloud. Weather is bad. Latvian are cold.
Post by: Tack on March 05, 2015, 08:50:36 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: timferius on March 05, 2015, 09:55:48 am
Post by: Arx on March 05, 2015, 09:59:30 am
Post by: hops on March 05, 2015, 01:14:27 pm
Post by: pisskop on March 05, 2015, 01:34:36 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 06, 2015, 12:03:20 am
I've just heard about her
I've also heard a terrible joke about her that I half understand but don't really want to say
Post by: origamiscienceguy on March 06, 2015, 12:13:32 am
Looking over your shoulder.
Post by: Bohandas on March 06, 2015, 01:45:20 am
For a moment I thought Princess Diana was a disney princess. :-[That's a reasonable mistake given that real-life princesses are not normally relevant.
Post by: timferius on March 06, 2015, 02:09:59 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on March 06, 2015, 02:12:46 pm
How does every Russian Joke Start?hehehe.
Looking over your shoulder.
Post by: Comrade P. on March 06, 2015, 03:59:30 pm
I can confirm.How does every Russian Joke Start?hehehe.
Looking over your shoulder.
Post by: Tack on March 07, 2015, 12:21:27 am
But I don't really know the full story.
Post by: Rose on March 07, 2015, 12:51:44 am
Post by: Tawa on March 07, 2015, 06:24:33 pm
Coincidentally, her name is an anagram of "end is a car spin".
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 07, 2015, 06:44:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on March 07, 2015, 06:54:04 pm
Post by: bahihs on March 07, 2015, 07:40:37 pm
"Sometimes the stupidest things are funny, like-like I remember I was at an amateur night one time, in some place. And this naked guy comes out with a guitar and just sits down and starts strumming "Sitting on the dock of the bay" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCmUhYSr-e4). And he sings: "Sittin' on a cock 'cause I'm gaaaay".
Then he left."
That's definitely not how it goes, but I'm paraphrasing. I also remember someone asking (asking Louis after he'd told the joke) "Did he do the whistle?" which makes me think it was a talk show of some kind.
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 08, 2015, 01:46:07 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 08, 2015, 02:03:50 am
Post by: hector13 on March 08, 2015, 02:04:54 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 08, 2015, 02:07:40 am
Dammit, Cryxis.What'd i do?
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 08, 2015, 02:56:28 am
Post by: Antsan on March 08, 2015, 05:31:43 am
Post by: Gentlefish on March 09, 2015, 05:01:59 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on March 09, 2015, 08:25:05 am
Post by: Graknorke on March 09, 2015, 04:44:03 pm
The snake in the foreground wooden move. Is it dead?
Post by: Bohandas on March 09, 2015, 07:02:45 pm
Post by: hector13 on March 09, 2015, 07:17:57 pm
A native american walks into a restaurant. The maitre d' asks "do you have reservations?"
They replied "You're taking an awful gamble with that remark"
Post by: XXXXYYYY on March 09, 2015, 07:25:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 09, 2015, 11:03:20 pm
... never mind. This is the terrible jokes thread.
Don't worry, Cryxis, at least I thought they were terrible.Ya that was the point
A local newspaper was having a contests for who could come up with the best pun.
A man entered ten puns hoping to win but no pun in ten did.
Post by: Morrigi on March 11, 2015, 11:31:59 pm
Wow, that one's pretty bad.... never mind. This is the terrible jokes thread.Don't worry, Cryxis, at least I thought they were terrible.Ya that was the point
A local newspaper was having a contests for who could come up with the best pun.
A man entered ten puns hoping to win but no pun in ten did.
Post by: BlackFlyme on March 11, 2015, 11:41:51 pm
Jokes, I mean. There are no dead babies at my place of employment.
Post by: Morrigi on March 11, 2015, 11:56:34 pm
Are dead babies acceptable? I got a tonne of them from work.Pretty sure there are a bunch of them earlier in the thread.
Jokes, I mean. There are no dead babies at my place of employment.
Post by: Tawa on March 12, 2015, 12:39:11 am
What movie would Abraham Lincoln be wearing if he strapped a rifle to his head instead of his hat?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What would Abraham Lincoln be if he was chained to something?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Who is the Hero of Time, wears a top hat, freed the slaves, and killed Ganon?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on March 12, 2015, 11:51:46 am
Post by: Bohandas on March 12, 2015, 12:28:28 pm
A.) Eminemily Dickinson
Post by: Bohandas on March 12, 2015, 06:07:05 pm
Are dead babies acceptable? I got a tonne of them from work.
Jokes, I mean. There are no dead babies at my place of employment.
Maybe you should become an abortionist then
Post by: pisskop on March 12, 2015, 06:13:49 pm
Post by: BlackFlyme on March 12, 2015, 06:16:09 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on March 13, 2015, 02:08:14 pm
- J. Stalin
Post by: crazysheep on March 14, 2015, 03:06:54 am
Quote
Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: scrdest on March 14, 2015, 08:17:06 am
today, on twitter:BANT4EVAR. Too good xDQuoteWhy does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on March 14, 2015, 08:34:26 am
Why don't anarchists drink Earl Grey?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
^ The thing is, this is a real quote (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Property_is_theft!), whereas the other one isn't an historical quote. I guess people mutated it to the Marx because he's better known, but the joke was stripped of several layers of meaning in the process.
Post by: crazysheep on March 14, 2015, 10:42:02 am
Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on March 14, 2015, 06:53:38 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on March 15, 2015, 04:03:07 am
Ben was fried to a crisp as the bolt of lightning sliced through him. Jellena readied her axe, "CHARGE!"
Link squeaked as Ganondorf punted him off the tower. Jellelda readied her sword, "You sure are boaring!"
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 15, 2015, 05:25:19 am
Post by: Eric Blank on March 15, 2015, 12:25:43 pm
Post by: Helgoland on March 15, 2015, 12:33:01 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on March 15, 2015, 12:36:32 pm
Jelena drew her axe from the bloody mess that once had been the Thai's head. 'Objective accomplished.'*appause*
The necromancer made a noise with his fingers, raising the dead. Jellena readied her axe, "This will be over in a snap."
Post by: Descan on March 15, 2015, 03:00:19 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 15, 2015, 03:18:49 pm
Shit, I don't think that was it. Damn, I gotta find that one.
Post by: bahihs on March 15, 2015, 08:03:48 pm
Let me start by saying that this actually happened.
I was at a CVS pharmacy the other day (or it might've been Rite Aid, one of those) and as usual I completely forgot why I came in or what I was going to buy. So naturally I wandered over to the pharmaceuticals to see what the first world offers in legalized drugs these days. And as I'm rifling through the drowsy cough medicine like a meth dealer on a deadline, I get the feeling someone is watching me. So I look around and this old woman with a black cane is looking directly at me. Being the manly man that I am, I immediately become interested in the ingredients list on the back of a nyquil bottle, staring at "Dextromethorphan" with an intensity that would put Adderall addicts to shame, while this octogenarian is looking me in the soul.
I try to ignore her. I go to a different shelf (they sell the craziest stuff in pharmacies these days, to the point where you could go in looking for the most random collection of items possible and still come out with 90% of the stuff you need. Seriously, a bag of potato chips, a nail filer, a large jar of skippy's peanut butter, three small bottles of extra-strength acetaminophen and pair of garden shears? Yes. If for some odd reason you need these items together the only thing stopping you is a curious look from the cashier. But I digress...). I'm browsing through school supplies thinking of buying a six-pack of jumbo gluesticks when I've never had to glue anything to anything in my entire life (I'm more of a tape kinda guy). Aaaand...she's right there. Like right there. And she is old, and leaning heavy on that black cane and staring directly at my face and I am more than a little spooked and her skin is hanging on her face like a deflated balloon. I decide I should just get the hell out of this haunted CVS (or Rite Aid) and mosey on over to Walmart where the prices are low and the dead rest in peace. But of course, the old lady starts talking to me.
"Excuse me, what's your name?" I pretend to ignore her (yes, I am a dick). She persists. "Excuse me."
"Yes?"
"What's your name?"
I tell her. Then she nods and suddenly touches my cheek, I recoil back and slam my elbow into one of the shelves. "You look just like my dead son" she says. And I smile, as my brain desperately tries to remember the nearest exit while screaming "RUN FUCKER RUN!" over and over in my head.
"Just like him..." Then she starts crying, not like quiet sobs into her hand or anything, no, she starts wailing hysterically. At this point I'm getting ready to run full sprint toward the door. I start checking my shoelaces and everything. People are looking at us trying to figure out what horrible thing I did to make this person break down into tears in a goddamn CVS (or Rite Aid). And then she's totally fine. Shes smiling.
"Could I ask you favor?" NO YOU HAG LEAVE ME IN PEACE
"Uhhh...sure"
"Could you call me "mother"?" Now, children when faced with these kinds of situations, the rational thing to do is realize you've entered a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind, and that the Elder Gods are clearly fucking with you and you need to get out. Now.
"Uhh...I don't-*ahem*-what?"
"Just once? "Mother"? Please?" I can tell the injured-animal wails are about to return and I guess I felt a little sad for her, so I do it.
"Mother..."
She beams and says thank you then just limps away. I figure the worst is over and head for the counter and she's there checking out around 30 bags of random stuff. She looks back at me and waves, I wave back (why not, at this point?). Then she limps to the exit. I get up to the counter.
"Cash or Credit?"
"Cash"
"That'll be 96.75"
"What? All I have are some gluesticks and a pack of gum?"
"Yeah, but your mother said you were taking care of her bill"
"What?"
"Yeah I asked her and she said her son was paying for everything, then she waved to you."
Naturally I drop everything and run to the door. The old lady's shoving all her bags into the back of a taxi, she spots me and leaps into the back seat like a goddamn gazzelle. I run after her, she tries to the close the door but I jam my entire arm in-between. She starts kicking me in the stomach and I grab her leg and start to pull. And I keep pulling on her leg...just like I'm pulling yours
Post by: TheDarkStar on March 15, 2015, 08:09:50 pm
Post by: bahihs on March 15, 2015, 08:13:23 pm
I read the last line first to save myself the pain.
90% of people do this when it comes to terrible wall-o-text jokes so I don't blame you...
Post by: hops on March 15, 2015, 08:19:14 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 15, 2015, 09:49:50 pm
I was expecting Bel Air.
(http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/3f/7a/c7/3f7ac7c1c79807806f8c59dfd08de988.jpg)
Post by: XXXXYYYY on March 15, 2015, 09:50:59 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 15, 2015, 09:52:58 pm
nvm
Were you going to say resize? 8)
Post by: XXXXYYYY on March 15, 2015, 09:53:55 pm
maaayyyybe.nvm
Were you going to say resize? 8)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 15, 2015, 10:19:29 pm
maaayyyybe.nvm
Were you going to say resize? 8)
How I feel about this exchange:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on March 15, 2015, 10:29:08 pm
I have nothing witty or interesting to add.
Today his interests see I saw (never on) that a note at Crystal Rooms ordered noted yak mayors.
This is not an acronym.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on March 15, 2015, 10:38:54 pm
Ivan had a vastly entertaining notary of things he interested, now gone. With interest, the things you ordered rowed into Newark to enter rooms, East Side. Total idiocy not going to old attendants did die.That second one's sentence as an acronym goes "This not is an acronym."
I have nothing witty or interesting to add.
Today his interests see (never on) that I saw a note at Crystal Rooms on noted yak mayors.
This is not an acronym.
Post by: hops on March 15, 2015, 11:18:57 pm
Post by: Tawa on March 15, 2015, 11:24:32 pm
Post by: Bohandas on March 15, 2015, 11:25:13 pm
Ivan had a vastly entertaining notary of things he interested, now gone. With interest, the things you ordered rowed into Newark to enter rooms, East Side. Total idiocy not going to old attendants did die.
I have nothing witty or interesting to add.
Today his interests see (never on) that I saw a note at Crystal Rooms on noted yak mayors.
This is not an acronym.
??!??
Yeah, what the heck is that? Is it translated from some other language; or possibly several languages like in this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMkJuDVJdTw)?
It looks like nonsense to me.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 15, 2015, 11:25:26 pm
They're acronyms of the sentence below them, which is the setup. The confusion is the punchline.
... but some of them are quite longer than others?
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 15, 2015, 11:26:27 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on March 15, 2015, 11:27:35 pm
They're acronyms of the sentence below them, which is the setup. The confusion is the punchline.
... but some of them are quite longer than others?
seconded. They can't be acronyms unless they use the same number of letters. I was thinking acronyms at first too after reading the last sentence, but then looked and saw they were clearly different amounts of letters.
Post by: Tawa on March 15, 2015, 11:31:13 pm
See, this is why the joke was bad.
Post by: hops on March 15, 2015, 11:32:18 pm
Post by: Tawa on March 15, 2015, 11:34:54 pm
Post by: Descan on March 15, 2015, 11:40:19 pm
watch out below
wob
Like that. Only actual words.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 15, 2015, 11:43:51 pm
Post by: Bohandas on March 15, 2015, 11:44:26 pm
I also think you guys are confusing acronyms and anagrams.
Damn! You're right.
The explanation was still incorrect however, as the first two go line by line and the third line breaks the pattern
Post by: hops on March 15, 2015, 11:45:03 pm
This is making my head hurt.
Post by: Bohandas on March 15, 2015, 11:45:26 pm
He messed up a couple times, but he means that for each line, each word starts with the same letters that make up the next line.
watch out below
wob
Like that. Only actual words.
The second and thrid lines definitely didn't do that
Post by: Tawa on March 15, 2015, 11:48:48 pm
Post by: Bohandas on March 15, 2015, 11:51:47 pm
I see where I screwed up. And where's this third line you're talking about?
1.) Ivan had a vastly entertaining notary of things he interested, now gone. With interest, the things you ordered rowed into Newark to enter rooms, East Side. Total idiocy not going to old attendants did die.
2.) I have nothing witty or interesting to add.
3.) Today his interests see I saw (never on) that a note at Crystal Rooms ordered noted yak mayors.
4.) This is not an acronym.
Post by: Tawa on March 15, 2015, 11:54:15 pm
Post by: Slayerhero90 on March 16, 2015, 05:49:20 pm
Post by: hops on March 17, 2015, 08:13:52 pm
Post by: redwallzyl on March 17, 2015, 08:34:32 pm
i was walking down the street on the way to school and saw someone squatting down behind a grave stone in a crematory. as i passed by i said "morning", he said "no just taking a piss". :P that so terrable
Post by: bahihs on March 17, 2015, 09:25:24 pm
this is a modified quote from somewhere else.
i was walking down the street on the way to school and saw someone squatting down behind a grave stone in a crematory. as i passed by i said "morning", he said "no just taking a piss". :P that so terrable
Where the hell do you live that you have to walk through a creamtory on your way to school?
Post by: redwallzyl on March 17, 2015, 11:21:05 pm
Post by: granak1031 on March 18, 2015, 02:31:03 am
Just as he's getting ready to head home, he spots a large bear. He freezes.
Unsure of what to do, he readies his gun to protect himself, and hopes he stays unseen.
Just then, the bear looks toward him. He fires, briefly closing his eyes as the shot is fired!
No sign of the bear. Pretty soon he feels a tap tap tap on his shoulder.
He turns around: It's the bear!
The bear says " Alright, you've got two options. One, I kill you."
The Hunter replies "... and two?" "Two, you turn around, drop your pants down and bend over"
The Hunter takes option two, and after awhile comes storming out of the woods.
"I'm gonna get that bear. He's gonna pay for this" he says to himself.
The Hunter later returns to the first, this time armed with an elephant gun.
He goes out there, looks near where he thinks he found the bear last time and waits for the bear.
And waits....and waits...and just as he was starting to drift off he sees movement!
He sees the bear! He's got him dead in his sights and he fires!
...but no dead bear. Pretty soon he feels a tap tap tap on his shoulder.
Yet again, it's the bear. The bear gives him the same choices, and again the Hunter chooses to live.
This time though, he really leaves that first angry.
" I swear, if I do nothing else in my life I will Kill that bear!"
The next morning he's ready for that bear. He goes out early and sets up any traps, explosives, or
weapons he can come up with. Then he waits for that bear.
...and waits...and waits...and waits. He sees the bear! He detonates the explosives, triggers the traps,
opens fire....still no dead bear.
Pretty soon he feels a tap tap tap on his shoulder. He turns around and
the bear says "You ain't here for the huntin, are ya."
Post by: hops on March 18, 2015, 02:50:22 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 18, 2015, 03:03:28 am
I don't get it.
Post by: Rose on March 18, 2015, 03:36:15 am
Post by: Descan on March 18, 2015, 03:46:18 am
Hankering for interspecies gay buttloving.
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 18, 2015, 03:58:07 am
Post by: a1s on March 18, 2015, 04:32:19 am
I got that, but the joke doesn't make any sense.
Spoiler: I'm going to explain the joke, which isn't fun (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 18, 2015, 04:48:14 am
I got that, but the joke doesn't make any sense.Spoiler: I'm going to explain the joke, which isn't fun (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on March 18, 2015, 10:42:11 am
"$50 for a handjob? That's a lot! I don't think that's worth it."
"You see this?" She hands him a photo of a Porsche. "That's my ride. Financed it exclusively via handjobs - I'm just that good."
So he reconsiders, hands over $50, and gets a truly mindblowingly amazing handjob.
The next day he sees her again; she offers him a blowjob for $500.
"$500 for a blowjob? Last night was amazing, but there's no way a blowjob can be worth $500!"
So she shows him a picture of her house - big villa, well-kept garden, etc etc. "This I financed exclusively via blowjobs. Trust me, they're worth their prize."
So he reconsiders, hands over $500, and gets an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime, makes-you-believe-in-the-divine-again blowjob.
The next day, he sees her again, and thinks to himself: "The handjob was great, the blowjob even better - what must it be like to fuck her?"
So he approaches her and asks: "How much to fuck your pussy?"
And she laughs and points at the guys' hotel: "You know, if I had a pussy, that place would be mine by now."
Post by: Bohandas on March 18, 2015, 02:42:27 pm
A.) He hoped it would turn into a blumpkin
A man goes up to a prostitute and asks "how much do you charge to rub the genitals?"
She replies "the same as for the jews"
Post by: Arx on March 18, 2015, 02:45:02 pm
Post by: hops on March 18, 2015, 02:55:25 pm
Post by: Descan on March 18, 2015, 03:24:07 pm
Post by: Reelya on March 18, 2015, 03:30:14 pm
... I don't get either of those.genitals = gentiles. that joke is sub-terrible.
blumpkin, google it. joke doesn't make enough sense to be funny.
Post by: Descan on March 18, 2015, 03:32:44 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 18, 2015, 03:35:45 pm
Post by: Arx on March 18, 2015, 03:38:53 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on March 18, 2015, 03:42:21 pm
Post by: Tawa on March 18, 2015, 03:48:33 pm
Very wealthy transsexual prostitute, I think it's supposed to imply.No, he means Bohandas' first joke.
Post by: Descan on March 18, 2015, 03:48:51 pm
Post by: Bohandas on March 18, 2015, 04:06:56 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on March 18, 2015, 04:14:37 pm
Augh.
Jesus Christ how horrifying.Thank god I read these before I googled it. Dat's nasty.
Post by: Graknorke on March 21, 2015, 02:24:02 pm
I hope showing other people's jokes isn't against the thread.
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 22, 2015, 03:24:08 am
http://www.sheepjokes.co.uk/home/:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Post by: Jopax on March 22, 2015, 05:20:46 am
Spoiler: Kinda rapey (click to show/hide)
I can't remember why she blurted that one out, I think someone was joking about forcing someone to partner with them for the lab excercises we were doing.
Post by: Antsan on March 22, 2015, 05:44:30 am
Spoiler: Definitely rapey (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on March 22, 2015, 11:14:34 am
Spoiler: Incredibly rapey, and horrible (click to show/hide)
Post by: SirQuiamus on March 22, 2015, 11:25:31 am
so much baed speling and sintex i loev it ::DDDDDhttp://www.sheepjokes.co.uk/home/:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 22, 2015, 09:35:42 pm
Post by: bahihs on March 22, 2015, 10:55:21 pm
A terrible joke? Arnold as Mr. Freeze when he screams, "Looks like it's a FREEEEEEZE out!"
That whole movie is a terrible joke
Post by: Comrade P. on March 22, 2015, 11:35:19 pm
A terrible joke? Arnold as Mr. Freeze when he screams, "Looks like it's a FREEEEEEZE out!"That whole movie is a terrible joke
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on March 23, 2015, 08:44:21 am
Post by: origamiscienceguy on March 23, 2015, 08:55:28 am
Dwarves can never be the bigger person in a fight.
Why doesn't Hungary take Turkey? Too much Greece
Post by: bahihs on March 23, 2015, 09:42:12 am
Post by: miauw62 on March 23, 2015, 10:15:41 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BlackFlyme on March 23, 2015, 10:17:45 am
Post by: Criptfeind on March 23, 2015, 10:19:45 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 23, 2015, 10:22:39 am
Post by: Comrade P. on March 23, 2015, 11:02:45 am
How come a large share of soviet population was raised by couples of the same sex?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on March 23, 2015, 11:16:20 am
In honor of Emmy Noether, women's rights.I don't get it. Something about ideals?
How come a large share of soviet population was raised by siblings of the same sex?This one too - isn't this just pretty much a historical fact?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on March 23, 2015, 11:43:10 am
How come a large share of soviet population was raised by siblings of the same sex?This one too - isn't this just pretty much a historical fact?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A joke mocking lgbt intolerant ones, in a context I heard it. One of a few, if not the only, I liked.
Post by: Tack on March 23, 2015, 12:24:02 pm
Couldn't you put two or more in simultaneously or something?(http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Portal-2-Turret-Technology.jpg)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 23, 2015, 12:38:49 pm
a boner.
Post by: SquatchHammer on March 23, 2015, 12:59:15 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 23, 2015, 01:26:28 pm
Here's a grim one:"Siblings" is brothers/sisters. The context-fitting term you were looking for is "couples". (Though in the rendition I heard it was "same-sex partners").
How come a large share of soviet population was raised by siblings of the same sex?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on March 23, 2015, 01:36:23 pm
Here's a grim one:"Siblings" is brothers/sisters. The context-fitting term you were looking for is "couples". (Though in the rendition I heard it was "same-sex partners").
How come a large share of soviet population was raised by siblings of the same sex?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Okay, I'll remember that. Thanks.
Post by: Descan on March 23, 2015, 01:40:18 pm
I thought it was like "Orphaned by WW2, older brothers and sisters had to raise their younger kin."
Hence why it sounded factual and not an "anti-joke," a joke that is funny because you're expecting a joke/pun but instead get something deliberately unfunny.
Post by: ggamer on March 23, 2015, 02:17:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 23, 2015, 02:43:05 pm
An apple: because, y'know. That's what App-L sounds like.
What am I doing with my life.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 23, 2015, 05:01:15 pm
Post by: hops on March 23, 2015, 07:55:05 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 23, 2015, 08:26:14 pm
It's actually Tupac on his moon base.
Oh no. What are these mental images?
P.S. What is your goddamn avatar? It's so cute I can't fuckin' sleep. Did you draw that? Mother of god tell me!!!
Post by: Eric Blank on March 23, 2015, 10:42:34 pm
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 23, 2015, 11:43:06 pm
Post by: hops on March 23, 2015, 11:50:58 pm
there aren't any incubus in a Homestuck, unless the character is modified.It's an AU from an artist. They also wrote a bunch of really hot fanfic about it.
Post by: Gentlefish on March 24, 2015, 01:38:25 am
Who's there?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: XXXXYYYY on March 24, 2015, 08:56:54 am
They went with the flow(s).
Post by: Tack on March 24, 2015, 09:15:29 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 25, 2015, 03:14:04 am
Shit, I can't do that. It's too terrible.
Post by: ggamer on March 25, 2015, 08:22:39 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 25, 2015, 10:06:53 am
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I have lost all respect for you, sir.
(not really you're a great human-being)
Post by: pisskop on March 25, 2015, 10:11:01 am
Why were the.. uh... Japan... um...No you guys, the tsunami and the reactors were part of a plan to actually create Godzilla.
Shit, I can't do that. It's too terrible.
Post by: martinuzz on March 25, 2015, 10:21:49 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on March 25, 2015, 10:26:01 am
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?Huh... Lemmy try that.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why can't Jesus drive?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 25, 2015, 10:50:10 am
Seriously, I'd like someone to answer that.
Post by: Eric Blank on March 25, 2015, 04:32:34 pm
Post by: hops on March 25, 2015, 05:22:34 pm
Ontopic:
Why does the white bear dissolve in water?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 25, 2015, 05:26:36 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on March 25, 2015, 05:37:07 pm
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 25, 2015, 05:38:49 pm
Post by: hops on March 25, 2015, 05:57:27 pm
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 25, 2015, 05:58:55 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on March 25, 2015, 06:15:53 pm
Do what you think is best, however.
Post by: hops on March 25, 2015, 06:25:22 pm
Which of Santa's list was Gallileo Gallilei on?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on March 25, 2015, 07:21:33 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 25, 2015, 09:05:39 pm
Well, here's a non-problematic version:
Which of Santa's list was Gallileo Gallilei on?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That is... OBJECTIVEly bad... *CSI: Miami opening*
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 25, 2015, 09:11:12 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 25, 2015, 09:23:50 pm
That's a rendition of my joke you're talking about, sir.
you're... TECHNICALLY correct... god, this is baaad.
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 26, 2015, 05:19:52 am
Post by: Descan on March 26, 2015, 06:39:38 am
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 26, 2015, 06:48:49 am
Post by: origamiscienceguy on March 26, 2015, 09:45:05 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 26, 2015, 10:33:39 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 26, 2015, 02:46:32 pm
Buzz Aldrin might have been the first man on the moon, but his father was the first man in the moon
(https://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/sunglasses-infinite-reaction-shot.gif?w=650)
Post by: hops on March 26, 2015, 02:48:34 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 26, 2015, 02:51:13 pm
Oh god, does this mean the reason he became an astronaut is because of the Oedipus Complex?
Yes.
Post by: bahihs on March 26, 2015, 06:59:25 pm
Post by: Reelya on March 26, 2015, 07:10:55 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on March 26, 2015, 10:35:47 pm
Post by: Rose on March 27, 2015, 07:03:12 am
Post by: Arx on March 29, 2015, 03:43:29 am
The Rand finally dies, and all the denominations are queued up at the pearly gates. St Peter beckons the R1 coin forward and sends it through, and the same for the R2, and for the R5.
The banknotes decide that they know what's going on, and they all saunter up to St Peter, but he stops them.
"That's so unfair!" Complains the R10 note, "You let all the coins through!"
St Peter nods. "Yes, but I never saw any of you in church."
Post by: Akura on March 29, 2015, 10:49:13 am
/me has never attended a church service except on threats of joblessness/homelessness.
Post by: Descan on March 29, 2015, 12:33:51 pm
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 29, 2015, 12:43:59 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on March 29, 2015, 02:00:44 pm
Post by: Tawa on March 29, 2015, 02:14:56 pm
They really should be minted with Loony toons characters, though, shouldn't they?Daffy Dollar? Porky Pounds? The list goes on.
EDIT:
What was Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on March 29, 2015, 06:35:36 pm
I would say that works for the American dollar, but nobody donates even the the coins in church here....where the hell do you lose your job for not going to church? Medieval Europe?
/me has never attended a church service except on threats of joblessness/homelessness.
Post by: Eric Blank on March 29, 2015, 07:06:24 pm
Although he's probably talking about going to a church to seek help.
Post by: bahihs on March 29, 2015, 07:25:07 pm
I would say that works for the American dollar, but nobody donates even the the coins in church here....where the hell do you lose your job for not going to church? Medieval Europe?
/me has never attended a church service except on threats of joblessness/homelessness.
Obviously, he's a priest...
Post by: Sergius on March 30, 2015, 01:41:39 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on March 30, 2015, 01:56:45 pm
A.) Bluekkake
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 30, 2015, 02:08:58 pm
Post by: hops on March 30, 2015, 02:15:45 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on March 30, 2015, 02:18:34 pm
Boo10/10
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 30, 2015, 02:23:51 pm
Post by: Bohandas on March 30, 2015, 02:28:25 pm
A.) Payless ShoeSource
Post by: DJ on March 30, 2015, 03:05:40 pm
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on March 30, 2015, 05:47:50 pm
The person says,"Alright what is it?"
Hitler responds."I need to know how to get rid of a few bodies, you see I killed 30 Jews and a circus clown"
The man, being confused about the statement, responds," why a clown?"
Hitler turns around and yells at Stalin,"HA, I told you no one cared about the Jews!"
Post by: Bohandas on March 30, 2015, 06:34:03 pm
A.) Because they're good with their fists.
Post by: Tawa on March 30, 2015, 06:50:10 pm
Spoiler: How to Play The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on March 30, 2015, 10:08:21 pm
Sherlock and Dr. Watson go camping. After setting their tent up, they crawl inside and go to sleep; in the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson, asks him to look up, and says, "What do you see?"
Watson replies, "Billions and billions of stars."
"From that, what can you deduce?"
"That, provided there are billions and billions of stars, there are just as many planets, and some of those planets are bound to harbor life."
"Watson, you idiot. That means someone stole our tent."
Post by: scrdest on April 01, 2015, 07:44:08 am
A fox is a red-haired, cunning being.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on April 01, 2015, 05:57:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on April 01, 2015, 08:46:44 pm
Post by: Tawa on April 01, 2015, 08:48:12 pm
Spoiler: What do you call a bear that melts in water? (http://bringvictory.com/) (click to show/hide)Yeh need to work on yer fonts, mate.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 01, 2015, 08:51:34 pm
Spoiler: you didn't see it coming (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on April 01, 2015, 09:02:40 pm
Big shoes.
You know what they say about big hands?
Big gloves.
Post by: hops on April 01, 2015, 09:12:35 pm
You know what they say about big hands?YAOI HANDS
(http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/380/252/4cf.png)
Post by: NukeACitrus on April 02, 2015, 02:37:38 am
Why did the teapot wear a cozy?
Cozy kept him warm.
Why did the teapot get in trouble?
Because he was naughtea.
What did the teapot wear to bed?
A nightea.
Good night.
Post by: crazysheep on April 02, 2015, 02:39:18 am
Post by: Glacies on April 02, 2015, 02:47:39 am
"The victim was bludgeoned to death." Sherlock observes.
"How?"
Sherlock points to a rock covered in blood. "Sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 02, 2015, 02:51:33 am
Why did the teapot wear a cozy?This one doesn't work with a NZ accent because we pronounce "cozy" with a long y sound.
Cozy kept him warm.
Also, I take offence to your screenname.
Post by: Eric Blank on April 02, 2015, 12:05:36 pm
Sherlock and Watson go the museum, and they observe a dead body inside the geological displays.
"The victim was bludgeoned to death." Sherlock observes.
"How?"
Sherlock points to a rock covered in blood. "Sedimentary, my dear Watson."
That's a clastic in my books
Post by: Bohandas on April 04, 2015, 02:35:07 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 04, 2015, 02:37:47 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 04, 2015, 01:35:13 pm
That's not even a joke. Wow.
Post by: Tawa on April 04, 2015, 01:41:18 pm
Wow.World of Warcraft, meanwhile, is a terrible joke. :P
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 04, 2015, 05:36:48 pm
Post by: Sean Mirrsen on April 05, 2015, 01:31:14 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on April 05, 2015, 05:27:06 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 05, 2015, 07:17:40 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on April 05, 2015, 07:25:01 pm
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What happens to a lawyer if he takes a Viagra?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A man goes to the doctor and is told that he will die soon. The man on his deathbed asks for his lawyer to be present. When the lawyer arrives he asks his client what legal advice he may need, the man replies that he doesn't need that. When asked why he is here by his side the man responds saying, "Jesus died with a thief by his side, I just wanted to go out the same way."
How do you know a lawyer is about to lie?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Two lawyers are in a cafe, and they take out sandwiches that they packed at home and begin eating. A waiter comes by and says "I'm sorry sirs, but you can't eat food you brought here yourself." The lawyers look at him, think for a second, then exchange their sandwiches and continue eating.
A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway. Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."
Did you hear about the terrorist who kidnapped a dozen lawyers?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's the difference between a dead skunk at the side of the road and a dead lawyer at the side of the road?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Alright I'm done now.
You want more?
Fine, one more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on April 05, 2015, 07:46:49 pm
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
pfff, yeah, the cheap ones
Post by: Draxis on April 05, 2015, 09:11:01 pm
What happens to a lawyer if he takes a Viagra?Why do lawyers wear neckties?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: EnigmaticHat on April 05, 2015, 09:46:55 pm
A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway. Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."I heard that one, but it was... not about lawyers.
Post by: crazysheep on April 05, 2015, 10:07:22 pm
I heard that one, but it was... not about lawyers.Politicians? :P
Post by: EnigmaticHat on April 05, 2015, 10:08:40 pm
Black people :(I heard that one, but it was... not about lawyers.Politicians? :P
Post by: 4maskwolf on April 05, 2015, 10:09:03 pm
Post by: Worldmaster27 on April 05, 2015, 10:14:40 pm
Spoiler: What they called this new product? (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazysheep on April 05, 2015, 10:20:41 pm
Black people :(Well, since we're in the terrible jokes thread... /shrug.
Post by: BlackFlyme on April 06, 2015, 06:38:20 am
Quote from: Shamelessly stolen from imgur
Roses are red; my name is Dave; This poem's no sense; microwave.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 06, 2015, 08:10:36 am
I've heard this same joke with a Chukchi instead of a priest. As in, a Chukchi man arrives to Moscow and takes a taxi at the rail terminal (an unwise move, but the story's not about that). So the taxi driver approaches a zebra crossing and sees a grandma crossing the road. He swerves around her. The Chukchi says to him:Black people :(I heard that one, but it was... not about lawyers.Politicians? :P
- Russian hunter bad hunter. If Chukchi not open door, grandma would've get away.
Post by: Tack on April 07, 2015, 02:59:31 pm
Quote from: Shamelessly stolen from imgurRoses are red; my name is Dave; This poem's no sense; microwave.
Haikus are fun;
But sometimes they don't make sense;
Refrigerator.
Post by: Kadzar on April 07, 2015, 02:59:48 pm
So this scene takes place in a brothel. The Madame is showing Mr. So around.
Madame: Mr. So, today's your big day. You must be very happy. We have some new girls you'll like.
Mr. So: Are they goldfish or cooked fish?
Mr. So's friend: What does that mean?
Madame: You idiot! You can only look at goldfish.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on April 07, 2015, 03:02:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on April 07, 2015, 03:07:13 pm
The one I heard was priest and trucker- the priest says "I know how taxing these roads can be my son. If you would like me to drive, I'd be happy to."Black people :(I heard that one, but it was... not about lawyers.Politicians? :P
Trucker grabs some much-needed sleep.
*Thump* - "What was that!?"
"Don't worry my son, I've hit a ______. God will forgive me"
Goes back to sleep (for some reason)
*Thump* - "What happened!?"
"Ah, Sorry to wake you my son. I hit another ______. I'll let the right people know in the morning"
Goes back to sleep.
*Bang* *Bang* *Thump*
"What the hell!?"
"Yes, me again. I seem to have hit another _____."
"What were the other thumps?"
"Well... There were a few fences in the way."
Post by: 4maskwolf on April 08, 2015, 05:58:52 pm
What do you call it if two gay men are ordered to go to the movies together?This was clever and quite dwarfy. -5 points.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on April 09, 2015, 01:07:01 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 09, 2015, 03:19:01 am
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 09, 2015, 03:52:14 am
A certain naval captain was known for wearing a red shirt during battle so that if he was wounded it would not be apparent and morale would not suffer. One day his lookput spotted twenty five enemy ships on the horizon closing fast, so the captain issued the order "bring me my brown pants!"
It's not even the full joke, either.
"The captain of a ship saw a single enemy ship on the horizon. He ordered his first mate/whatever to fetch his red coat so that if he was shot, it would not appear so to keep morale up. 'Captain!' The lookout shouted from the crow's nest, 'twenty enemy ships on the horizon!'
The captain replied, 'fetch me my brown pants.'
(It was a coat, not a shirt)
Post by: Rose on April 09, 2015, 06:15:41 am
"Robin! To the batmobile, go! "
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 09, 2015, 06:35:06 am
Spoiler: Why were Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 released before episodes 1, 2 and 3? (click to show/hide)
If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.
I brought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Spoiler: Someone was asked to do a 16 line poem for school, and this was handed in. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on April 09, 2015, 07:53:44 am
Post by: Descan on April 09, 2015, 08:29:10 am
Post by: acetech09 on April 09, 2015, 10:30:46 am
Still not even really the full joke.
"So, a captain of a ship is sitting there as his ship sails along. His first mate runs up to him. 'Sir, an enemy ship is on the horizon!'
'Bring me my red coat.'
So, the first mate brings him his red coat, and they win the battle without a single casualty. Afterwards, his first mate asks, 'Sir, when the battle began, why did you ask me to bring you a red coat?'
'Well, by wearing a red coat, if I were to be shot, the crew would not see the blood, and keep fighting.'
A whiles later, the first mate runs in again: 'Captain, 20 enemy ships on the horizon!'
'Bring my my brown pants.'"
This is what really happened:
In the year 1716, the northern seas were assailed by a new, legendary pirate. The "Crimson Nightmare", he was called. Scourge of the seas. There were rumors about him, from the few survivors the Nightmare spared. They said that the Nighmare was nigh invulnerable. Swords and rifles didn't harm him. He did not bleed and he did not flinch.
Admiral Charleston of the Royal Navy was appointed to track down and kill the man responsible for the sinking of ever-so-many trade vessels. He set out with eleven frigates. Charleston's ship sailed forward, alone, hoping to bait his nemesis into a battle, and during the engagement, another ten royal ships will cruise over the horizon and send the pirate's ship to the Locker.
One morning, the Crimson Nightmare sees a single, lone ship through the fog. He smells treasure, so calls for his ship, full sail towards the target.
"First mate!"
"Yes, Captain!"
"Bring me my battle coat!"
For this was the blood-red shirt that earned him his name. Some supposed the shirt was blessed - or cursed, that bullets passed straight through whoever wore it, but caused evil bloodlust in the wearer.
During the battle, the pirate captain was mid-yell when he let out a grunt, then quietly retreated to his quarters. His first mate, worried, followed him. He opened the door to find the captain performing crude bullet removal on himself. The first mate was surprised! His captain was not invincible!
The captain looks up, acknowledges the mate's surprise, and says "Aye, it be the red shirt. It hides me bleedin' so my crew's morale stays high."
The first mate then says "I understand. However, ten more Navy ships have been spotted on the horizon!"
"Well, lad. Bring me me brown pants, will you?"
And to this day, nobody has seen the Crimson Horror bleed or defecate.
Post by: Fniff on April 09, 2015, 12:18:47 pm
Coming to theatres near you...
A four hour epic...
Bring Me My Brown Pants
Get Reddy
A four hour epic...
Bring Me My Brown Pants
Get Reddy
Post by: acetech09 on April 09, 2015, 12:43:21 pm
Post by: Tack on April 09, 2015, 01:52:18 pm
So we did egg-packing- basically taking the dozen-box egg boxes and packing them into larger boxes for shipping. Such an interesting job.
On these large boxes, we had a big printing machine that would put the current date and our regional code. Let's call it something like: "04:05:2010 SHEP4186"
So on April Fools, the first of april, some of us linesmen (behind the manager's back of course) got together and decided to change it to "HE:LP:IMST UCKINTHE"
For the first half of the day.
I'm almost certain that nobody ever saw it- it wasn't one of the things that anyone ever really looks at, but it still makes me chuckle every time I think of it.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Went back and saw this one.
Laughed too hard.
Post by: Quartz_Mace on April 09, 2015, 03:27:26 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Okay, so there's this broken pencil...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: bahihs on April 09, 2015, 04:06:44 pm
Still not even really the full joke.
"So, a captain of a ship is sitting there as his ship sails along. His first mate runs up to him. 'Sir, an enemy ship is on the horizon!'
'Bring me my red coat.'
So, the first mate brings him his red coat, and they win the battle without a single casualty. Afterwards, his first mate asks, 'Sir, when the battle began, why did you ask me to bring you a red coat?'
'Well, by wearing a red coat, if I were to be shot, the crew would not see the blood, and keep fighting.'
A whiles later, the first mate runs in again: 'Captain, 20 enemy ships on the horizon!'
'Bring my my brown pants.'"
This is what really happened:
In the year 1716, the northern seas were assailed by a new, legendary pirate. The "Crimson Nightmare", he was called. Scourge of the seas. There were rumors about him, from the few survivors the Nightmare spared. They said that the Nighmare was nigh invulnerable. Swords and rifles didn't harm him. He did not bleed and he did not flinch.
Admiral Charleston of the Royal Navy was appointed to track down and kill the man responsible for the sinking of ever-so-many trade vessels. He set out with eleven frigates. Charleston's ship sailed forward, alone, hoping to bait his nemesis into a battle, and during the engagement, another ten royal ships will cruise over the horizon and send the pirate's ship to the Locker.
One morning, the Crimson Nightmare sees a single, lone ship through the fog. He smells treasure, so calls for his ship, full sail towards the target.
"First mate!"
"Yes, Captain!"
"Bring me my battle coat!"
For this was the blood-red shirt that earned him his name. Some supposed the shirt was blessed - or cursed, that bullets passed straight through whoever wore it, but caused evil bloodlust in the wearer.
During the battle, the pirate captain was mid-yell when he let out a grunt, then quietly retreated to his quarters. His first mate, worried, followed him. He opened the door to find the captain performing crude bullet removal on himself. The first mate was surprised! His captain was not invincible!
The captain looks up, acknowledges the mate's surprise, and says "Aye, it be the red shirt. It hides me bleedin' so my crew's morale stays high."
The first mate then says "I understand. However, ten more Navy ships have been spotted on the horizon!"
"Well, lad. Bring me me brown pants, will you?"
And to this day, nobody has seen the Crimson Horror bleed or defecate.
In a time before time, some captain shit his pants.
Post by: Bumber on April 09, 2015, 04:57:08 pm
In a time before time, some captain shit his pants.I heard somebody shit their pants.
It was inevitable.
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 09, 2015, 05:18:46 pm
In a time before time, some captain shit his pants.I heard somebody shit their pants.
It was inevitable.
It it terrifying
Post by: Sergius on April 09, 2015, 10:20:39 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 09, 2015, 11:43:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 10, 2015, 03:21:32 am
Spoiler: How many chinese does it take to change a lightbulb? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb? (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on April 10, 2015, 05:08:42 am
Yay, it didn't fly over everyone's head! :DI have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Went back and saw this one.
Laughed too hard.
Post by: a1s on April 10, 2015, 08:17:19 am
how many band directors does it take to replace a light bulb?FTFYSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on April 10, 2015, 01:23:41 pm
How many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many Latvian take screw in lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many illegals does it take to change a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How many marines does it take to change a lightbulb?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: timferius on April 10, 2015, 01:27:42 pm
I just re-read it a few times, and nearly died when I figured it out. That was amazing.Yay, it didn't fly over everyone's head! :DI have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Went back and saw this one.
Laughed too hard.
Post by: Tack on April 10, 2015, 02:01:31 pm
There's a little girl and her dad, and Christmas is coming up. She's been told by another kid at school that Santa isn't real, and she's obviously distraught.
She asks him "Is Santa real?". The dad looks her in the eyes. He's never lied to his child before and he never wants to.
He says "do you really want to know?"
"Yes" she sniffs.
"Are you absolutely sure? I will tell you an answer you may REALLY not want to hear"
She's crying and shouting 'Tell me tell me tell me!'
He leans forward, puts his hand on her shoulder, leans in and says.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SirQuiamus on April 10, 2015, 04:06:59 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iceblaster on April 10, 2015, 05:02:04 pm
:P
Post by: Fniff on April 10, 2015, 05:03:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Quartz_Mace on April 10, 2015, 05:30:39 pm
What do you call a bunch of white people running down a hill?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A person complains that an all-white school is turning down all colored kids. The science teacher says, "Oh, you're mistaken. We have all colored kids." The person responds, "What do you mean?"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
And this one isn't race:
What do you call a bunch of orange people running down a hill?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on April 10, 2015, 07:48:03 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 10, 2015, 08:21:52 pm
And this one isn't race:FTFY
What do you call a bunch of orange people racing down a hill?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Flying Dice on April 10, 2015, 08:33:08 pm
As a man is walking home from work, he encounters a child slouched over in an alley, covered by a ratty coat. He strikes up a conversation, not being particularly keen to get home, and after a few minutes comes to the awkward, obvious question.
"You're an orphan, then?"
"Yes sir... but if I can ask, what gave me away?"
"Your parents."
Post by: Worldmaster27 on April 10, 2015, 10:34:52 pm
Most guns that don't shoot actual bullets [have plastic orange caps on the barrel] to try to stop police officers from shooting children.[terribleJoke] Wouldn't it be easier to just paint the children white? [/terribleJoke]
Post by: Tawa on April 12, 2015, 12:45:38 pm
Spoiler: WARNING: JOKE IS CORROSIVE TO EYES AND INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (click to show/hide)
Post by: scrdest on April 12, 2015, 03:40:33 pm
MY EYES AND IQ ARE BURNING SO MUCH!Spoiler: WARNING: JOKE IS CORROSIVE TO EYES AND INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (click to show/hide)
Post by: SirQuiamus on April 12, 2015, 04:49:48 pm
CAN NOT UNDERSTAND JOKE! WHAT HAPPEN TO MY IQ?Spoiler: WARNING: JOKE IS CORROSIVE TO EYES AND INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on April 12, 2015, 04:51:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on April 12, 2015, 11:44:39 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on April 13, 2015, 04:06:54 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on April 13, 2015, 06:05:22 am
What do you call a guy that makes jokes about women in the kitchen?When should you buy your wife a watch?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do women have small feet?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why can't women swim/drive?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You're sitting on the couch watching TV. How do you get your wife to bring you a beer?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why did the housewife cross the road?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on April 13, 2015, 06:09:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 13, 2015, 07:27:00 am
Post by: Akura on April 15, 2015, 07:57:11 am
Post by: Bohandas on April 16, 2015, 01:40:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT:
Q.) What did the torturer say to his female co-worker?
A.) "Nice rack"
EDIT:
"When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, doesn't that make you hungry?"
EDIT:
Q.) What's the smelliest punctuation mark?
A.) The colon
Post by: SalmonGod on April 17, 2015, 09:57:24 pm
Post by: Yoink on April 18, 2015, 01:29:30 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on April 18, 2015, 11:34:14 am
"Two molecules were walking down the street... oh wait I think you just lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 18, 2015, 11:36:28 am
Pull down it's genes!
Post by: hops on April 19, 2015, 02:25:41 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on April 20, 2015, 07:47:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on April 21, 2015, 12:35:13 pm
Why is getting a Bachelor of Science degree a bad idea?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Doesn't quite work, I'm afraid. A Baccalaureate in science is BSc, at least in England.
Sorry for being pedantic.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 21, 2015, 01:12:34 pm
Why is getting a Bachelor of Science degree a bad idea?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Doesn't quite work, I'm afraid. A Baccalaureate in science is BSc, at least in England.
Sorry for being pedantic.
pretty sure it's BS in the US, like most US things that aren't like the KGB.
Post by: Arx on April 21, 2015, 01:49:41 pm
Post by: Tawa on April 21, 2015, 04:43:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 22, 2015, 12:25:48 am
It's a BSc here too. Commonwealth?BSci here.
Post by: Akura on April 22, 2015, 01:02:17 pm
Why is getting a Bachelor of Science degree a bad idea?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Doesn't quite work, I'm afraid. A Baccalaureate in science is BSc, at least in England.
Sorry for being pedantic.
pretty sure it's BS in the US, like most US things that aren't like the KGB.
Pretty sure that at this point, it's nothing but BS. Whatever you call it.
Post by: BlackFlyme on April 23, 2015, 02:29:08 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 23, 2015, 02:33:13 am
Quote
9.81 m/s2 verticallyHey, that's kind of fast- oooooooh.
Post by: Helgoland on April 23, 2015, 03:18:21 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 23, 2015, 03:38:30 am
Post by: hops on April 23, 2015, 04:00:07 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 23, 2015, 04:20:31 am
What's the terminal velocity of an average sloth, anyways?Science time!
Terminal velocity is equal to the square root of 2mg/AC, where m is the mass of the object, g is acceleration due to gravity, A is the projected area of the object, and C is the drag coefficient.
I'm going to use an average brown-throated three-toed sloth for this, as it is the most common.
Drag coefficient and projected area are very awkward numbers to estimate for the irregular shape of a sloth.
I will assume that the sloth curls up into a ball in terror for this example, so that I can use the coefficient for a sphere (~0.5).
To calculate projected area, I will use half body length as the radius of a sphere. The average sloth is 42 to 80 centimetres long, giving 21 to 40 centimetres as the radius. I'll use 30 here.
The projected area of a brown-throated sloth in the foetal position is 4*pi*r2, where r is 0.3 metres, giving us 1.13 square metres.
The average sloth weighs 2.25 to 6.3 kilograms, so, again, I'll be using 3.5 for convenience's sake.
Putting all these numbers together gives us (2 * 3.5 * 9.81) / (1.13 * 0.5), and assuming I haven't made any terrible mistakes, the terminal velocity of the average sloth in the foetal position
Post by: a1s on April 23, 2015, 04:44:09 am
Post by: hops on April 23, 2015, 05:03:42 am
Post by: ggamer on April 23, 2015, 07:05:10 am
Post by: Jopax on April 23, 2015, 07:17:52 am
Post by: a1s on April 23, 2015, 08:21:22 am
Post by: Dutrius on April 23, 2015, 11:08:18 am
Post by: scrdest on April 23, 2015, 11:53:17 am
Turns out it's about the same as that of an un-laden sparrow.African or European?
Post by: Dutrius on April 23, 2015, 11:58:51 am
Post by: miauw62 on April 23, 2015, 01:12:21 pm
That is some great physics work. However since Sloths generally live in trees under 45 meters in height, it's unlikely any sloth ever reached speeds over 30ms-1apparently it is easier to type [sup]-1[/sup] than to type /1
Post by: SOLDIER First on April 23, 2015, 01:15:03 pm
Post by: scrdest on April 23, 2015, 01:19:27 pm
Type -1, click sup. Takes about three miliseconds more.That is some great physics work. However since Sloths generally live in trees under 45 meters in height, it's unlikely any sloth ever reached speeds over 30ms-1apparently it is easier to type [sup]-1[/sup] than to type /1
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on April 23, 2015, 05:27:28 pm
The most terrible joke ever: Sentient Bowtie.
Post by: hops on April 23, 2015, 05:42:41 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 23, 2015, 06:13:53 pm
It's force (ha) of habit for me. I always write it as -1.That is some great physics work. However since Sloths generally live in trees under 45 meters in height, it's unlikely any sloth ever reached speeds over 30ms-1apparently it is easier to type [sup]-1[/sup] than to type /1
Post by: hops on April 23, 2015, 06:24:27 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 23, 2015, 06:49:04 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 23, 2015, 06:53:46 pm
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Post by: TheDarkStar on April 23, 2015, 07:01:35 pm
MAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 23, 2015, 07:04:42 pm
PERHAPSSSSSSSSSS
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 23, 2015, 07:07:24 pm
POSSIBLYYYYYYYY
Post by: Zanzetkuken The Great on April 23, 2015, 07:09:10 pm
HAMBURGERRRRRRR
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 23, 2015, 07:13:02 pm
TORTOISEEEEEEEE
Post by: Tawa on April 23, 2015, 07:13:58 pm
Cool the quote pyramids, guys.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on April 23, 2015, 07:19:30 pm
(http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/aceattorney/images/a/a4/NotSoFast%21.PNG/revision/latest?cb=20110418143639)
Cool the quote pyramids, guys.
Post by: Tawa on April 23, 2015, 07:19:59 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 23, 2015, 07:22:08 pm
...
Wait, you mean it's not? Crap.
Post by: MrRoboto75 on April 23, 2015, 07:22:51 pm
The man places a bag on the bar. From the bag, he takes out a tiny, doll-sized grand piano, as well as a really tiny man. The small man sits at the piano and begins to play various classical pieces.
"What is there to be sad about? That's amazing," the bartender says. "Where did you get him from?"
The man answers that he got him from a genie, pulling the lamp from the bag. The bartender rubs the lamp, and out comes the genie. "What is your one wish?" the genie asks.
Impusivley the bartender says, "I wish for a million bucks!" The genie snaps his fingers, and reenters the lamp. Over the next half hour, the bar slowly floods with ducks of all sorts.
"I think your genie has a hearing problem," says the bartender.
"Tell me about it," the man says, "Did you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Post by: Eric Blank on April 23, 2015, 07:23:20 pm
that was the joke
Post by: Bumber on April 24, 2015, 04:41:42 am
A man walks into a bar. He sadly slumps into a bar stool. The bartender asks him, "What the matter?"FTFY
"Everything's the matter. Me. You. Bar stools. They're all matter!"
Except energy, of course.
(Hey, at least he didn't get a bar full of horny stags.)
Post by: hops on April 24, 2015, 04:56:25 am
FTFYBill Nye walks into a bar. He sadly slumps into a bar stool. The bartender asks him, "What the matter?"FTFY
"Everything's the matter. Me. You. Bar stools. They're all matter!"
Except energy, of course.
(Hey, at least he didn't get a bar full of horny stags.)
Post by: Bumber on April 24, 2015, 05:58:01 am
*Bill Nye theme begins playing*FTFYBill Nye walks into a bar. He sadly slumps into a bar stool. The bartender asks him, "What the matter?"FTFY
"Everything's the matter. Me. You. Bar stools. They're all matter!"
Except energy, of course.
(Hey, at least he didn't get a bar full of horny stags.)
Barkeep shows Bill that inertia is a property of matter as he throws him out of his bar.
Bill proceeds to read Family Circus "jokes" to bystanders.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on April 24, 2015, 11:33:40 pm
Post by: MrRoboto75 on April 25, 2015, 12:08:56 am
Post by: Eric Blank on April 25, 2015, 01:28:10 am
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on April 25, 2015, 01:55:24 am
Post by: Tack on April 25, 2015, 02:16:45 am
Apparently Jesus was an Elvis impersonator. I saw a sign in front of a church that said "Christ is the King".Wow. Bohandas did an actually fu-... Clever... joke.
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 25, 2015, 03:30:42 am
Impossibru.Apparently Jesus was an Elvis impersonator. I saw a sign in front of a church that said "Christ is the King".Wow. Bohandas did an actually fu-... Clever... joke.
Post by: hops on April 25, 2015, 06:15:48 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 25, 2015, 09:32:41 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 25, 2015, 09:37:22 pm
Can someone please pirate dwarf fortress? I know that many people think that piracy is wrong, but I promise I'll buy it if I like it. I am just not sure if I'll like it or not.
Spoiler: Don't tell Toady (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on April 25, 2015, 09:45:30 pm
Post by: MrRoboto75 on April 25, 2015, 09:53:05 pm
The officer asks for the man's name. He answers.
The officer asks for the man's date of birth. He answers.
The officer asks, "Occupation?" The man replies, "No, not this time."
Post by: origamiscienceguy on April 25, 2015, 09:59:06 pm
SWEET! I love the work this guy put into the website. I love the thematic background and he even put a link to this forum! How convenient!Can someone please pirate dwarf fortress? I know that many people think that piracy is wrong, but I promise I'll buy it if I like it. I am just not sure if I'll like it or not.Spoiler: Don't tell Toady (click to show/hide)
Post by: germanyfrance on April 25, 2015, 09:59:54 pm
I just told Toady. :PCan someone please pirate dwarf fortress? I know that many people think that piracy is wrong, but I promise I'll buy it if I like it. I am just not sure if I'll like it or not.Spoiler: Don't tell Toady (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 25, 2015, 10:28:46 pm
:'(I just told Toady. :PCan someone please pirate dwarf fortress? I know that many people think that piracy is wrong, but I promise I'll buy it if I like it. I am just not sure if I'll like it or not.Spoiler: Don't tell Toady (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on April 25, 2015, 11:53:02 pm
One turns to the other and asks "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
(not sure if repost. reading through 150 pages of thread on this forum is too long and painful. And don't get me started on reading 150 pages of bad jokes. that's almost worse.) This is also a joke.
Post by: Alig88or on April 26, 2015, 03:47:37 am
They both drown.
Post by: TheDarkStar on April 26, 2015, 08:13:47 am
Two soldiers are sitting in a tank.
They both drown.
Two fish are sitting in a tank.
One says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Post by: Dutrius on April 26, 2015, 08:19:08 am
The first pie says "Phew, it's hot in here."
The second pie says "Cor blimey, a talking pie!"
Post by: Tack on April 26, 2015, 09:50:19 am
At the end of the 20 years they find him walking back across the border and, seeing him walking for once, ask why? He replies that this is his retirement. He's done with his work and is ready to settle down. Amused, the guards ask him, we never found out how you did it, even though we Knew you were hiding something! What was he smuggling all these years? He says: "Bicycles".
Post by: Spehss _ on April 26, 2015, 11:00:21 am
"Julio, look! There's a fruit tree in the distance!"
Sure enough, there's a tree in the distance. The two run over to it. The two can hardly believe their eyes when they see that it's not fruit hanging from the tree, but meat.
"Pepe, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
"Yeah, man, it's bacon! It's bacon growing from a tree! Is a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"...Pepe, have you ever heard of a tree growing meat? Something seems fishy here. Maybe it's a mirage."
"Julio, don't be stupid. Does a mirage smell like bacon?"
The two realize they can smell freshly cooking pork. There's a noticeable "sizzle" sound as the hanging strips of pork are cooked by the desert heat.
"Alright, Pepe, maybe you're right. it seems real. Still, something seems odd here."
"Julio, my friend, you can stand here and starve then. I'm going to go eat some bacon."
Pepe begins walking towards the tree. Suddenly, a barrage of machine gun fire erupts from the tree. Pepe is shot and goes down. Julio runs to his friend's side.
"Pepe, Pepe, speak to me!"
"Julio, mi amigo. I'm done for. You gotta get out of here. You were right about this tree, man." Pepe points at the tree with a shaking hand. "This ain't no bacon tree...It's..."
"What is it Pepe? C'mon, Pepe, stay with me. What is it, mi amigo?"
"Is..."
Pepe coughs.
"Issa..."
Pepe coughs up blood.
"...Is a ham bush, Julio. Get out of here, man."
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 26, 2015, 09:40:11 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on April 26, 2015, 10:30:07 pm
That's been posted before. Pretty sure it didn't cause quite as many orphans to commit suicide last time, though.Well I'm sorry I haven't read through ~150 pages of bad jokes. I thought that one hadn't been posted. Man.
How many children does it take to paint a fence?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on April 28, 2015, 08:49:26 am
I always wanted to name my kid something other than standard-western-christian. Like Zane.
Friend is saying 'Just go with Zan, because it flows better with your last name'.
"Screw the last name, go just the first. 'Zaaaaan'! doesn't work. 'Zaaaane!' does."
She says 'Yeah well what are you gonna do when you're really mad?'
"... Hit him."
Post by: DJ on April 28, 2015, 02:28:23 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on May 01, 2015, 02:39:28 am
Post by: acetech09 on May 01, 2015, 02:43:51 am
I found Jesus in the Home Depot parking lot.
ftfy, it wasn't terrible enough before
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on May 02, 2015, 10:05:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on May 04, 2015, 08:28:12 pm
Quote
sex is a lot like silent hills. there’s a massive build-up of hype, it gets cancelled halfway through, hideo kojima is there
Post by: 4maskwolf on May 04, 2015, 09:38:18 pm
So a drunk kid gets pulled over and says to the cop, "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"In a similar vein...
A drunk teen gets pulled over and says to the cop, "Is there an officer, problem?"
Post by: Tack on May 05, 2015, 09:47:43 am
Quotehideo kojima
Made this joke.
Post by: Bohandas on May 10, 2015, 02:26:05 am
Post by: scrdest on May 10, 2015, 02:13:01 pm
A guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him.Ugh, he wouldn't even die before he ate the two steaks.
Post by: Bohandas on May 10, 2015, 03:51:29 pm
A guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him.Ugh, he wouldn't even die before he ate the two steaks.
Well the idea was he'd die of starvation. The steaks define the remainder of his lifetime
Post by: scrdest on May 10, 2015, 04:48:18 pm
He wouldn't die the moment he stopped eating them, ergo they aren't a lifetime supply.A guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him.Ugh, he wouldn't even die before he ate the two steaks.
Well the idea was he'd die of starvation. The steaks define the remainder of his lifetime
It's in the terrible jokes thread anyway, so I won't pick at it further.
Post by: Eric Blank on May 10, 2015, 05:33:46 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on May 10, 2015, 05:51:33 pm
He could eat them really, really slowly, and suffocate when he runs out of oxygen.
If the room was airtight, he'd probably run out of oxygen before starving. I'm not so sure about dying of thirst, though.
Post by: Spehss _ on May 10, 2015, 05:57:02 pm
The steaks could be really dry and over-salted.He could eat them really, really slowly, and suffocate when he runs out of oxygen.
If the room was airtight, he'd probably run out of oxygen before starving. I'm not so sure about dying of thirst, though.
Post by: hops on May 10, 2015, 06:09:20 pm
A guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him and the C4 starts to tick.FTFY
Post by: Helgoland on May 10, 2015, 07:28:09 pm
FTFYA guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him with additional steaks and the room starts filling with steaks until there's no more air just steaks and he can't breathe any more because steaks contain too little oxygen and also won't fit down his windpipeFTFY
Post by: XXXXYYYY on May 10, 2015, 09:56:31 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on May 10, 2015, 10:02:27 pm
Guess you could say he... steaked too much on his prize. 8)Congratulations, for making that pun you just won a lifetime supply of steaks! Now get in the room. Don't mind the bricks and mortar next to the door. Also don't mind the mysterious ticking noise, that's just a clock.
Post by: Bumber on May 10, 2015, 10:24:21 pm
A guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity he is impaled through the heart with a woodenFTFYsteakstake.
Post by: hops on May 11, 2015, 12:11:22 am
"You expect me to breath with all these steaks!?"FTFYA guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him with additional steaks and the room starts filling with steaks until there's no more air just steaks and he can't breathe any more because steaks contain too little oxygen and also won't fit down his windpipeFTFY
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dine."
Post by: Orange Wizard on May 11, 2015, 12:14:53 am
Post by: origamiscienceguy on May 11, 2015, 12:35:29 am
Post by: a1s on May 11, 2015, 07:50:13 am
He could just climb over the bricks, right? It didn't specifically mention that the room was enclosed.This isn't the lateral thinking puzzle thread. ::)
Speaking of, we should start one up again.
Post by: Rose on May 11, 2015, 09:30:24 am
Post by: Helgoland on May 11, 2015, 12:58:53 pm
Post by: a1s on May 11, 2015, 02:15:20 pm
- What in the world are you two doing? - I asked
- Well, y'see we usually have this third guy with us, right, and he plants trees in the holes. But he's out sick today.
Post by: darkpaladin109 on May 11, 2015, 04:21:28 pm
I've been taking a walk through the park today, when I came upon two men in city-worker's reflective vests. One of them was digging holes in the ground and the other was filling them up.Is the joke supposed to be that their work is redundant without someone planting the trees?
- What in the world are you two doing? - I asked
- Well, y'see we usually have this third guy with us, right, and he plants trees in the holes. But he's out sick today.
Post by: TheDarkStar on May 11, 2015, 04:24:02 pm
*facepalm*I've been taking a walk through the park today, when I came upon two men in city-worker's reflective vests. One of them was digging holes in the ground and the other was filling them up.Is the joke supposed to be that their work is redundant without someone planting the trees?
- What in the world are you two doing? - I asked
- Well, y'see we usually have this third guy with us, right, and he plants trees in the holes. But he's out sick today.
Post by: SquatchHammer on May 11, 2015, 08:03:03 pm
Spoiler: What sport Mexicans love the most? (click to show/hide)
Post by: redwallzyl on May 11, 2015, 09:01:08 pm
Bad racist joke, maybe already said but I thought it was "appropriate" for the thread. If offended sorry just thought it was that bad.i thought it was endurance swimming and climbing. sorry :PSpoiler: What sport Mexicans love the most? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on May 11, 2015, 10:03:23 pm
Now I'm curious.Beat this one:
Notice on entry gate of a Apple Store in NY :-
Don't ever fart here;
the smell will stay for ages.
We don't have Windows.😂
########$$#########
And tit for tat from Microsoft in their premises..
"Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple."🍎🍏
We have been providing open window system to the world since ages. 😝
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on May 11, 2015, 10:07:01 pm
Post by: Akura on May 12, 2015, 10:53:59 am
I've been taking a walk through the park today, when I came upon two men in city-worker's reflective vests. One of them was digging holes in the ground and the other was filling them up.
- What in the world are you two doing? - I asked
- Well, y'see we usually have this third guy with us, right, and he plants trees in the holes. But he's out sick today.
I imagine that with the way the unions are, that could actually happen.
Bad racist joke, maybe already said but I thought it was "appropriate" for the thread. If offended sorry just thought it was that bad.i thought it was endurance swimming and climbing. sorry :PSpoiler: What sport Mexicans love the most? (click to show/hide)
Endurance swimming would be the Cubans.
Post by: Bohandas on May 12, 2015, 04:07:30 pm
"black people walk like this" (commedian walks across the stage normally), "But white people walk like this" (commedian goose steps back across the stage making the Nazi salute)
Post by: Tawa on May 12, 2015, 04:34:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why did the teacher with a lisp convince his students that he had a leprechaun's eyes?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on May 16, 2015, 09:06:26 pm
Quote from: Whatsapp
This needs to be shared 😜😜
Son: Mom, U said that we
are created by God
and dad said that we
have evolved from
monkeys, Which is
true?
Mom: I told U about my
side of the family
and he told about
his side of the
family.
😜😂😜😂
Post by: Spehss _ on May 16, 2015, 09:53:59 pm
And why the gratuitous use of smiley faces.
Post by: i2amroy on May 16, 2015, 10:05:01 pm
And why the gratuitous use of smiley faces.>:( :( WHAT!?! ::) ;D There :) ;) :D can :o 8) ??? never ^-^ :P be :-[ :-X too :-\ :-* many :'( :)) O0 smileys! >:D C:-) 0:)
Post by: Spehss _ on May 16, 2015, 10:15:30 pm
O0Woah, never seen that one before.
Post by: Rose on May 16, 2015, 10:42:15 pm
Why use "U" instead of "you" if all the other grammar is adequate.Whatsapp.
And why the gratuitous use of smiley faces.
Post by: Descan on May 16, 2015, 10:44:31 pm
Why use "U" instead of "you" if all the other grammar is adequate.It's the culture
And why the gratuitous use of smiley faces.
The culture of really really new-to-the-internet folks.
:v
Post by: Eric Blank on May 16, 2015, 11:54:29 pm
I say we hang them.
Post by: Rose on May 16, 2015, 11:58:02 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on May 17, 2015, 12:25:29 am
I say we hang them.I'm a fan of a good old-fashioned beheading, myself.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on May 17, 2015, 11:55:19 am
Quote from: WhatsappThis needs to be shared 😜😜
Son: Mom, U said that we
are created by God
and dad said that we
have evolved from
monkeys, Which is
true?
Mom: I told U about my
side of the family
and he told about
his side of the
family.
😜😂😜😂
This makes me want to viciously, and without mercy, club this person who wrote this to a bloody end.
*sigh* I guess I should contribute a terrible joke as well...
How did the physics professor load the cars in to the Auto Transport Trailer?
He put the '92 impulse on top.
GET IT???
Post by: Tack on May 17, 2015, 12:43:30 pm
"You expect me to breath with all these steaks!?"
"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to dine."
*SILENT LAUGH*
"Well I wish to see a waiter because discourse is too rare."
In other news- jokes stolen from an ancient thread!
- All true famers are men outstanding in their fields.
- What has four legs and one arm?
A happy pitbull
- What's green, has four legs, and can kill a grown human by falling from a tree?
Pool table
- Where did little Suzy go during the air raid?
Eveywhere.
- What color were Suzy's eyes?
Blue. One blue one way, one blue the other.
- Why did the chicken cross the highway?
Who cares, it didn't succeed.
And finally:
An old farmer is sitting on his deck when he sees a drunk come stumbling around d the corner singing at the top of his lungs. He yells "Shut up ya bum!"
But he continues.
The old man now fed up with this gets up and walks away, but the drunk, enjoying this new game, pursues him, still bellowing classics at the top of his lungs.
The farmer takes this man on a merry chase, eventually reaching a river which he begins to ford.
The drunk starts to follow him, whereupon the farmer, having lost his nerve, turns around and dunks him.
He holds the drunkard's head underwater for a full five minutes, before judging him to be either dead or too waterlogged to cause him any more annoyance. Satisfied, he leaves the body to drift downstream.
Sadly though as soon as he exits the river he is met by more deranged singing.
Which just goes to show you can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.
Part 3: 'Cos I just can't stop now.
These are all 4:00am originals.
Clyde the Daring Monster Hunter.
- Spotted some mermaids. He tried to rouse his crew, but alas they were men at ease.
- He wanted to hunt some Sirens, but alas he couldn't follow their tracks.
- Couldn't kill the Medusa. He was brave, sure, but she still petrified him.
- Took a contract to kill a Cyclops, but lost it in a red hot round of poker.
- Tried to fight a hydra, but couldn't get ahead of the curve.
Post by: Sergius on May 17, 2015, 10:01:04 pm
"She's 52"
"What?! She's old enough to be your mother."
"Yeah, but she's yours."
Post by: Rose on May 18, 2015, 12:05:24 am
Spoiler: Warning, this one is really bad. (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on May 18, 2015, 12:08:31 am
Post by: Descan on May 18, 2015, 12:18:04 am
It works just as well if it were a prison convict. :V
Post by: hops on May 18, 2015, 12:32:23 am
Another whatsapp 'gem'Spoiler: Warning, this one is really bad. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on May 18, 2015, 12:34:33 am
Fixed for Descan.At first I didn't get it. Then I got it. That was terrible. Doubleplusterrible. Good work.Another whatsapp 'gem'Spoiler: Warning, this one is really bad. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on May 18, 2015, 02:07:02 am
Post by: a1s on May 18, 2015, 06:31:25 am
I heard about a death row inmate who said that they found Jesus in prison. I wonder what he did this time.Let's see:
1 count, fish and bread piracy
4 counts, Insurance fraud (the claimants turned out to be alive)
1 count, interfering with commerce
He also ran a number of unlicensed businesses:
Bootlegging
Medical practice
Fishery
Post by: 4maskwolf on May 23, 2015, 10:38:27 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rose on May 24, 2015, 02:30:24 am
Quote from: Whatsapp
Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.
One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.
Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.
The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment.
He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room . The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.
A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus.
This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experience stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his
injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment.
The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion but died instantly the second time??
Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.
Still couldn't? Then see below.........
Think hard
Common.............
Tired....?
Wanna know the answer????
Okay........ here is the Answer............
During the first time the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the second time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died !!!! Physics never go wrong....
Don't look at me!! I am also looking for the Person from IIN who sent this to me
👿👿👿👿👿👿
Post by: Antsan on May 24, 2015, 04:41:38 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 24, 2015, 05:14:51 am
Post by: acetech09 on May 24, 2015, 10:58:02 am
Wouldn't a bad conductor heat up more and thus be fried earlier? I'm not quite sure…
Frying isn't how you die with electrocution, afaik.
Post by: Sheb on May 24, 2015, 10:59:43 am
Post by: Antsan on May 24, 2015, 11:20:36 am
Post by: kaenneth on May 27, 2015, 01:27:11 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on May 27, 2015, 01:33:32 pm
Post by: kaenneth on May 27, 2015, 01:35:38 pm
I wonder why the electric chair wasn't more like an EKG thing then...
Who doesn't love the smell of frying bacon?
Post by: Tawa on May 27, 2015, 02:21:08 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on May 27, 2015, 02:28:10 pm
Who doesn't love the smell of frying bacon?Probably pigs, definitely Muslims.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on May 27, 2015, 02:37:35 pm
Pigs will eat anything, and being forbidden something doesn't automatically mean that you don't like it in theory. If nobody liked it, what would be the point of forbidding it in the first place?Who doesn't love the smell of frying bacon?Probably pigs, definitely Muslims.
Post by: a1s on May 27, 2015, 04:00:57 pm
A general sense of moral superiority? ("These savage tribesmen have never heard of the ten commandments! Why, if they weren't in the hold in shackles, they'd kill us all out of pure ignorance!")Pigs will eat anything, and being forbidden something doesn't automatically mean that you don't like it in theory. If nobody liked it, what would be the point of forbidding it in the first place?Who doesn't love the smell of frying bacon?Probably pigs, definitely Muslims.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on May 27, 2015, 04:02:33 pm
Post by: hops on May 27, 2015, 04:02:51 pm
You savage cannibals.
Post by: a1s on May 27, 2015, 04:23:22 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on May 27, 2015, 04:56:15 pm
My children often ask me what the most interesting thing in life is. I tell some of them that it's Family, a good job, and eductaion. I tell others that it's sex, drugs and RockNRoll. And to others still I say nothing and only smile mysteriously. Because the most interesting thing in life is a well conducted experiment with two subject groups and a control.I'm not sure, but it's entirely possible that we have similar things in our vk feeds.
Post by: Spehss _ on May 27, 2015, 08:34:49 pm
The doctor replies "I know. I amputated your arms."
Post by: Bohandas on May 29, 2015, 09:57:52 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on May 29, 2015, 10:09:55 pm
In RPG you can always find party. In Soviet-era Russia party can always find you.
In Capitalist America, you always find party. In Soviet Russia, Party always find you.
In Soviet Russia, you rob bank. In Capitalist America, bank rob you.
Post by: Spehss _ on May 29, 2015, 10:15:54 pm
The prison announced the dwarf's escape over the radio, saying "There is a small medium at large."
Post by: origamiscienceguy on May 29, 2015, 10:27:56 pm
A dwarf escaped from a prison. This dwarf was a mystic and claimed he could commune with the spirits, who helped him escape from his confinement.I know this joke slightly differently.
The prison announced the dwarf's escape over the radio, saying "There is a small medium at large."
"I had a troubling dream last night, so I went to see the local fortune teller. Once I walked in, the first thing I noticed was that the man was extremely tiny, but I decided to continue on with the procedure. He was halfway through explaining my dream when the SWAT team burst through the door. Instantly, the fortune teller vanished. Now, he is a small medium at large."
Post by: Bohandas on May 29, 2015, 10:31:23 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on May 29, 2015, 11:24:37 pm
Post by: Tack on June 04, 2015, 09:25:48 pm
-Joke-
Kermit the frog goes to get a bank-loan for his next movie. He finds the most kindly looking teller - 'Petritia Whack', and proceeds to ask her for the loan. She asks if he has any collateral. He produces a small ivory elephant. She asks if he has family who are willing to back his loan. He replies that he is the son of Mick Jagger.
Confused, she calls the manager over to get some reference on this whole thing. Kermit holds up the little elephant and she first asks, 'What's this?'
The manager replies:
"It's a knick-knack, patty whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone"
Post by: SirQuiamus on June 05, 2015, 01:20:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on June 06, 2015, 04:00:37 pm
-Joke-
Kermit the frog goes to get a bank-loan for his next movie. He finds the most kindly looking teller - 'Petritia Whack', and proceeds to ask her for the loan. She asks if he has any collateral. He produces a small ivory elephant. She asks if he has family who are willing to back his loan. He replies that he is the son of Mick Jagger.
Confused, she calls the manager over to get some reference on this whole thing. Kermit holds up the little elephant and she first asks, 'What's this?'
The manager replies:
"It's a knick-knack, patty whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone"
FAIL: Actually pretty funny.
Post by: Bohandas on June 08, 2015, 11:38:13 am
A.) Glockamole
Post by: martinuzz on June 09, 2015, 05:41:48 pm
"MiG am Arsch"
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 09, 2015, 05:51:06 pm
What does a German pilot say when being chased by an old Russian fighter?Oh... hey. It sort of makes sense in German and in Russian!
"MiG am Arsch"
Post by: a1s on June 09, 2015, 06:13:27 pm
What does it mean? (German seems to be "a MIG on (my) ass"?)What does a German pilot say when being chased by an old Russian fighter?Oh... hey. It sort of makes sense in German and in Russian!
"MiG am Arsch"
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 09, 2015, 06:21:29 pm
"Мигом марш"? "Right this instant", more or less, pronounced migahm marsh, for everybody not in.What does it mean? (German seems to be "a MIG on (my) ass"?)What does a German pilot say when being chased by an old Russian fighter?Oh... hey. It sort of makes sense in German and in Russian!
"MiG am Arsch"
...Yeah, I said it sort of made sense.
Post by: martinuzz on June 09, 2015, 06:23:44 pm
What does it mean? (German seems to be "a MIG on (my) ass"?)"(leck) mich am Arsch" is German for "kiss my ass"
(and I think, but not sure there, that german pilots also use "am arsch" like english pilots say "on my tail")
Post by: Tawa on June 11, 2015, 05:32:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Pearofclubs on June 11, 2015, 08:24:53 pm
The other turns around and says 'holy crap, a talking muffin!'
Post by: Spehss _ on June 11, 2015, 08:44:40 pm
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says 'Man, its really hot in here...'
The other turns around and says 'holy crap, a talking muffin!'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Damn!"
Post by: Bohandas on June 11, 2015, 09:10:12 pm
A.) He was allergic to peanuts
Q.) What's the most gangster percussion instrument?
A.) The Glock-enspiel
Post by: SOLDIER First on June 11, 2015, 10:49:46 pm
Post by: Zanzetkuken The Great on June 12, 2015, 12:08:22 am
Spoiler: Came up with this at work (click to show/hide)
Post by: Pearofclubs on June 12, 2015, 12:17:46 am
One asks the other, "Honeydew you want to get married?"
To which the second one replies, "I'm sorry my love... We cantaloupe."
Post by: hops on June 12, 2015, 05:58:16 am
The punchline of this joke is that the teller of the joke is too ignorant to understand the point of an epi-pen. However, the joke itself is a paradox because the teller had stated that they have an epi-pen, which suggest that they are aware of their existence and would also know what purpose they should serve. For those who are not aware, an epi-pen is a colloquial term used to a device called the Epinephrine autoinjector. It is a medical device used to inject a measured dosage or dosages of epinephrine (adrenaline) by means of autoinjector technology - they are commonly spring-loaded syringes, but the main point of autoinjectors are that they can be used with ease by patients on themselves or untrained individuals in the position of using it on the patient.
The Epinephrine autoinjector, being that they resemble pens, are called EpiPens. They are commonly used to treat anaphylaxis, a type of serious allergic reaction which Is rapid in onset and cause many symptoms including but not limited to rashes, throat swelling, lycanthropy, angioedema, and low blood-pressure. They can also ultimately result in a lethal condition called death, which cause the sufferer to die, thus individuals who are in the position of suffering from anaphylaxis need to have EpiPens around in the case they suffer a serious allergic reaction.
Returning to the topic of the joke, the teller stated that their friend gave the EpiPen to the teller as they laid dying, which suggest that the individual is a person who can suffer from anaphylaxis. While this does not necessarily state that they are dying from anaphylaxis, and perhaps they are simply handing the EpiPen to the teller because they are dying from illness on their deathbed or bleeding out and had chosen the EpiPen as a memorabilia of their friendship, the fact that this is a joke suggest that the teller intend to inform the audience that their friend was dying from a serious allergic reaction. The joke left it open-ended whether or not their friend expired, thus perhaps the teller had used the EpiPen successfully and is simply keeping it as a reminder of their heroism.
However, it would have been more horrifying and comical if it is assumed the teller watched their friend die, being too ignorant to understand that their friend had handed them the EpiPen to be applied to them in order to treat their anaphylaxis.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 12, 2015, 06:13:48 am
*Stabbing being the application of any pointed tool, though most often a knife, to a physical object with the intent to pierce an aperture in it. In this more concrete case, it refers to applying the aforementioned object to a living being with the intent to kill or incapacitate through blood loss and/or organ failure.
Seriously, though, I just got an idea for a youtube channel. Name it something like, "Cinder's Weekly Joke Review" or something like that. Then each week, take, say, five jokes, explain each one in excruciating detail, then choose the best one according to an excessively detailed set of objective criteria. Maintain a perfectly straight face through the whole thing.
Post by: BadLemonsXI on June 12, 2015, 06:16:00 am
-snip-I don't know why but by the end of reading that I with laughing a little.
Post by: hops on June 12, 2015, 06:20:33 am
objective criteria.hue
Post by: miauw62 on June 12, 2015, 06:21:08 am
Wrong thread.Spoiler: Came up with this at work (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 12, 2015, 06:36:23 am
I wanted to put "objective" in italics, but I thought that would be lame-ppoi. I remembered which thread we're in too late.objective criteria.hue
Post by: hops on June 12, 2015, 06:44:35 am
I can explain that, if you want.-snip-I don't know why but by the end of reading that I with laughing a little.
The premise of the passage is that the author had picked a joke, and due to the author of this passage being the same person, they are aware that they had perceived it as the best joke they know. The passage explained the joke in excruciating details, which would kill it in the process. However, the passage itself is a joke in itself, a meta-joke, if you will.
The dry explanation of the EpiPen joke is highly exaggerated, and if the reader had read closely enough it can easily be gleaned that the passage is not serious, with references to lycanthropy and obvious statements regarding how death cause people to die. The explanation of the possible fate of the anaphylaxis victim is clinical in tone as to invoke the idea of the author not actually caring whether or not the theoretical victim is dying.
In a way similar to how the EpiPen joke works, in that it is intended to shock the audience. For some reasons, when a taboo topic is broached in a non-serious manner, an individual will either become offended or amused. Thus so, the purpose of the passage is to 'shock' the audience with how boring and verbose it is in examining what is simply a single sentence.
Post by: Tack on June 12, 2015, 03:15:21 pm
Now I'm wondering if adrenaline would actually help with it. I feel like it would be the exact opposite.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on June 12, 2015, 04:40:07 pm
"Sure Bay12!"
Bay12 stabs me in the pancreas.
#prettylegitimatelybad #sorelatable
Post by: Tack on June 12, 2015, 05:35:19 pm
Differences between like and love notwithstanding, it's possibly because of all of the people who died from food poisoning back in the day, pork being terrible for it.If nobody liked it, what would be the point of forbidding it in the first place?Who doesn't love the smell of frying bacon?Probably pigs, definitely Muslims.
This being, nobody likes death- it's impossible to forbid death- so they forbid bacon.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 12, 2015, 06:04:49 pm
Yeah, I know that. My point was, if you eat a handful of ground glass, you'll probably die too. Nevertheless, Islam doesn't specifically forbid eating ground glass because it's assumed that nobody wants to.Differences between like and love notwithstanding, it's possibly because of all of the people who died from food poisoning back in the day, pork being terrible for it.If nobody liked it, what would be the point of forbidding it in the first place?Who doesn't love the smell of frying bacon?Probably pigs, definitely Muslims.
This being, nobody likes death- it's impossible to forbid death- so they forbid bacon.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on June 12, 2015, 08:18:11 pm
Seriously, though, I just got an idea for a youtube channel. Name it something like, "Cinder's Weekly Joke Review" or something like that. Then each week, take, say, five jokes, explain each one in excruciating detail, then choose the best one according to an excessively detailed set of objective criteria. Maintain a perfectly straight face through the whole thing.I would watch that.
Post by: Bumber on June 12, 2015, 10:16:50 pm
"What do you call it when a character tells a joke only the audience can hear?" Meta material. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acoustic_metamaterials#Acoustic_cloaking)
Post by: Orange Wizard on June 13, 2015, 03:43:53 am
It sounds glorious.Seriously, though, I just got an idea for a youtube channel. Name it something like, "Cinder's Weekly Joke Review" or something like that. Then each week, take, say, five jokes, explain each one in excruciating detail, then choose the best one according to an excessively detailed set of objective criteria. Maintain a perfectly straight face through the whole thing.I would watch that.
Post by: Sheb on June 20, 2015, 10:37:46 am
ISIS guy: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes.
ISIS guy: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did you tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
Post by: Descan on June 20, 2015, 04:39:56 pm
Post by: kaenneth on June 21, 2015, 03:30:15 pm
And the owner answers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.” “Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.
A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?” And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”
Post by: Tack on June 21, 2015, 04:12:12 pm
They ended up with massive overstocking problems due to only the 'silver' edition selling in stores.
Apparently there was a lot of desperate women who wanted their men to come second for once.
Post by: ggamer on June 21, 2015, 04:44:51 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on June 21, 2015, 07:46:31 pm
A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,“Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?” “Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we're all full.” “Aw, please I really need some poon tang!”
And the owner answers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.” “Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.
A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?” And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”
An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late.
At the store he asks the clerk, but misspeaks, saying "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capote noir."
The clerk is puzzled as the man had in fact asked for a black condom and asks why it is necessary that it be black
"Ma femme est morte."
"O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!", 'What a beautiful sentiment'
Post by: Bohandas on June 24, 2015, 12:27:44 am
A.) I don't know either.
Post by: Graknorke on June 24, 2015, 07:57:40 pm
People know where the Titanic sank.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on June 25, 2015, 12:46:06 pm
Brazil brought out a line of 'Olympiad Medallion' condoms.i hate this thread
They ended up with massive overstocking problems due to only the 'silver' edition selling in stores.
Apparently there was a lot of desperate women who wanted their men to come second for once.
Post by: hops on June 25, 2015, 03:51:34 pm
Q.) What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bad birthday party clown?In Allied America, party clowns hire you.
A.) I don't know either.
Post by: EnigmaticHat on June 25, 2015, 11:47:58 pm
So an ISIS fighter is manning a checkpoint and stop the car of a Christian couple.The actual terrible joke there was the word "yallah"
ISIS guy: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes.
ISIS guy: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did you tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
Post by: Bumber on June 26, 2015, 10:03:24 am
It's good to worship Allah, because I used to worship some-ah!So an ISIS fighter is manning a checkpoint and stop the car of a Christian couple.The actual terrible joke there was the word "yallah"
ISIS guy: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes.
ISIS guy: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did you tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
Post by: acetech09 on June 26, 2015, 11:41:19 am
> "Allah DEEZ NUTS IN YO FACE"
I heard that last night while playing Insurgency. True story.
Post by: LordPyrrole on June 26, 2015, 03:33:14 pm
Post by: Bohandas on June 27, 2015, 03:34:28 am
A.) North Koreans don't have lightbulbs.
Post by: Tack on June 27, 2015, 03:38:55 am
Q.) How many North Koreans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.) NORTH KOREAN LIGHTBULBS NEVER NEED CHANGE. ALWAYS BRIGHT. BRIGHT AS NORTH-KOREA FUTURE.
Post by: a1s on June 27, 2015, 11:44:51 am
A.) One Latvian to exchange bulb for potato and one piltofficer to arrest him.
Corollary: Also lightbulb is broken and potato is rock. Such is life.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 29, 2015, 01:39:09 am
The teacher asks the class, what's two plus one?
The class is silent.
The teacher goes, well, what if Sean has two potatoes and Siobhan has one potato, and she gives her potato to him?
The class is still silent; this example is bad, nobody ever has two potatoes.
Post by: Bohandas on June 29, 2015, 02:09:59 am
A.) Caligula's kingdom was more high tech.
Post by: Spehss _ on June 29, 2015, 03:13:36 am
Math lesson in Irish village school.
The teacher asks the class, what's two plus one?
The class is silent.
The teacher goes, well, what if Sean has two potatoes and Siobhan has one potato, and she gives her potato to him?
The class is still silent; this example is bad, nobody ever has two potatoes.
I exhaled air loudly through my nose. Good joke.
Post by: Jopax on June 29, 2015, 07:37:03 am
But not in Latvia!
In Latvia sad is forbidden, taken into forest and shot.
Like mother and father.
Such is life.
Post by: acetech09 on June 29, 2015, 11:34:48 am
Life is sad.
But not in Latvia!
In Latvia sad is forbidden, taken into forest and shot.
Like mother and father.
Such is life.
Ohhh, that's good.
Post by: TheDarkStar on June 29, 2015, 12:03:17 pm
One see potato.
Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.
One day, hear knock on door.
Man ask, "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato."
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is secret police.
Post by: a1s on June 29, 2015, 12:15:57 pm
A: None. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Famine_(Ireland))
Post by: Tack on June 29, 2015, 06:23:51 pm
Two latvian look at sky.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.
Whole sky is cloud. Weather is bad. Latvian are cold.
Psh, c'mon. It was barely 50 pages ago.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on June 29, 2015, 06:26:54 pm
And it is no less funny.Two latvian look at sky.
One see potato. Other see impossible dream.
Is same cloud.
Whole sky is cloud. Weather is bad. Latvian are cold.
Psh, c'mon. It was barely 50 pages ago.
Post by: Tawa on June 30, 2015, 08:07:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BlackFlyme on June 30, 2015, 08:13:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Just kidding. I'm lonelier than Pluto felt after being rejected by his planetary chums.
Post by: StupidElves on June 30, 2015, 09:16:23 pm
A.) They put it through the Wash!
Post by: Bohandas on July 01, 2015, 01:16:59 am
-Donald Trump is running for president as a Republican. I'm surprised, I was sure he was with the Whig party.
Q.) Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A.) Because they have no fashion sense.
Q.) Why did the chicken cross the road?
A.) It was being taken to the slaughterhouse.
Q.) Why did the chicken cross the road?
A.) It was in my colon while I was crossing the road.
Post by: Helgoland on July 01, 2015, 01:41:14 am
- Well, I had to get home from KFC, didn't I?
Post by: Eric Blank on July 05, 2015, 07:29:17 pm
It wanted to do a frontflip over that car. It worked, but the deer didn't.
Post by: Bohandas on July 07, 2015, 08:48:31 pm
"You've gotta help me" he says, "my doctor told me he's gonna have to cut my penis off"
"Western doctor always want to cut cut cut" the practitioner replies, "you go home, wait two, three week. Penis fall off all by itself"
Post by: Akura on July 13, 2015, 10:32:20 am
Quote from: a book titled "14000 Things to be Happy About"
babies that never cry
Quote from: a coworker
What kind of baby never cries?
Spoiler: my response (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 13, 2015, 10:41:38 am
The female parental unit will instead be the one crying. And also beating you over the head with a vase.Quote from: a book titled "14000 Things to be Happy About"babies that never cryQuote from: a coworkerWhat kind of baby never cries?Spoiler: my response (click to show/hide)
Such is life.
Post by: a1s on July 13, 2015, 11:39:30 am
Since a similar problem is already solved, you may consider expanding the solution domain.The female parental unit will instead be the one crying. And also beating you over the head with a vase.Quote from: a book titled "14000 Things to be Happy About"babies that never cryQuote from: a coworkerWhat kind of baby never cries?Spoiler: my response (click to show/hide)
Post by: Shazbot on July 13, 2015, 11:43:43 am
Post by: Magnumcannon on July 13, 2015, 12:23:00 pm
I don't eat potato salad.
Post by: Spehss _ on July 13, 2015, 12:55:59 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on July 13, 2015, 12:58:11 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on July 13, 2015, 04:32:24 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on July 13, 2015, 04:35:58 pm
Post by: Mr. Strange on July 13, 2015, 04:44:49 pm
No, wait. Flooding the breeding room to flush babies into collecting area might actually work, and if kept submerged long enough you don't even have to individually kill them. Someone should try it in fortress mode to see if it works.
Post by: Tawa on July 15, 2015, 04:14:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on July 15, 2015, 08:43:12 pm
What do you call a character in a work of fiction who is supposedly completely perfect, is liked by everyone around him, and is an anthropomorphic bowl of soup?FTFY.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on July 15, 2015, 10:25:34 pm
FTFY.What do you call a character in a work of fiction who is supposedly completely perfect, is liked by everyone around him, and is pretty shitty?FTFY.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on July 16, 2015, 12:13:59 am
FTFY. toilet humour is quality humourFTFY.What do you call a character in a work of fiction who is supposedly completely perfect, is liked by everyone around him, and seems like he knows it all but is actually full of hot air and shit?FTFY.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on July 17, 2015, 11:08:03 pm
FTFY. agreedFTFY. toilet humour is quality humourFTFY.What do you call a character in a work of fiction who is supposedly completely perfect, is liked by everyone around him, and seems like he knows it all but is actually a cartilaginous fish and shit?FTFY.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magnumcannon on July 17, 2015, 11:33:52 pm
FTFY. agreedFTFY. toilet humour is quality humourFTFY.What do you call a character in a work of fiction who is supposedly completely perfect, is liked by everyone around him, and seems like he knows it all but will actually spear this quote pyramid and shit?FTFYSpoiler (click to show/hide)
FTFY.
Post by: Tack on July 17, 2015, 11:43:09 pm
FTFY.I don't get it.FTFY.FTFY. agreedFTFY. toilet humour is quality humourFTFY.There once was a woman in the 1940's who evaded the occupation, freed all of the fellow hebrews, brought down the occupation all by herself, assassinated hitler and made steamy passionate love to Rommel. What was her name?FTFY.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 18, 2015, 12:06:13 am
Post by: Tack on July 18, 2015, 12:09:34 am
It's called the Mary Shoe.
Post by: Spehss _ on July 18, 2015, 12:15:13 am
Post by: Magnumcannon on July 18, 2015, 12:23:54 am
Post by: Tack on July 18, 2015, 12:26:14 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on July 18, 2015, 12:38:04 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on July 18, 2015, 01:12:04 am
Post by: Descan on July 18, 2015, 07:30:32 am
/me eyes the lock button.
/me shrugs.
Post by: Helgoland on July 18, 2015, 07:37:12 am
Post by: Spehss _ on July 18, 2015, 07:48:59 am
Post by: Tack on July 18, 2015, 10:30:17 am
Post by: Comrade P. on July 18, 2015, 11:10:39 am
A group of dirty, rugged guardsmen dwell near the fire in a trench. around them is a wasteland with several ruins and no signs of life whatsoever after recent orbital bombing of the area. Suddenly they hear a female voice outside - there is a demonette there, calling:
"Come here, boys, and take what you need most right now"
Guardsmen rush out of a trench with a speed of lightning and...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Grimdark. Only War, yadda-yadda.
Post by: Spehss _ on July 18, 2015, 12:20:35 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on July 18, 2015, 12:31:06 pm
Eating demon meat seems heretical. But then again, eating the flesh of the enemies of mankind seems like a thing WH40k would do. But then again, eating demons.
That reminds me of another bad Wh40k joke:
One Commissar can execute for treason everybody but himself.
Two Commissars can execute for treason virtually everybody.
Post by: Tack on July 18, 2015, 12:50:23 pm
Ten.
One to screw it in,
Nine corpses to reach it.
Edit: Daemons - They discorporeate upon death. Doesn't make it any less funny. Change it to a Dark-Eldar Wych.
Post by: Akura on July 20, 2015, 10:13:23 am
Edit: Daemons - They discorporeate upon death. Doesn't make it any less funny. Change it to a Dark-Eldar Wych.
Who said they killed her? They just cut her up for meat, she didn't necessarily die from that.
Post by: Eric Blank on July 20, 2015, 10:24:20 am
Post by: scrdest on July 20, 2015, 01:25:45 pm
That's debatably a worse fate. But the meats of the many outweigh the meats of the few, right?FTFY
Post by: Rubidium on July 21, 2015, 03:17:51 pm
So that the chicken could...cross the road!
Post by: Tack on July 21, 2015, 03:29:16 pm
Two Vikings are out at sea on a longboat. One turns to the other and says:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on July 21, 2015, 07:23:18 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on July 22, 2015, 05:40:31 am
Post by: Generally me on July 22, 2015, 12:57:45 pm
ISo does your MOM!resembleresent this slight against my people.
ooooooh, sick burn.
Post by: Tack on July 22, 2015, 01:24:01 pm
Tacky.Oh. Dang. Would 'What were we drinking last night' be better?
I thought it was a decent one.
Post by: Kadzar on July 26, 2015, 11:04:23 pm
Here's an original.There's probably no way to incorporate it into the joke, but I find it slightly funnier to imagine these are Minnesota Vikings.
Two Vikings are out at sea on a longboat. One turns to the other and says:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: UXLZ on July 26, 2015, 11:57:41 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on July 27, 2015, 01:24:55 am
That would make it even funnier.Here's an original.There's probably no way to incorporate it into the joke, but I find it slightly funnier to imagine these are Minnesota Vikings.
Two Vikings are out at sea on a longboat. One turns to the other and says:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The original intention of the joke was that they weren't actually vikings. They just got messed up one night and woke up the next morning in full attire in a longboat.
But I'm not sure how to transfer all of that into a two-liner.
The difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is using a feather during sex.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Post by: Eric Blank on July 28, 2015, 10:49:41 am
Because he cantaloupe when she's eating him.
Post by: Bumber on July 28, 2015, 08:54:07 pm
Allergy season.
Post by: Bohandas on July 28, 2015, 11:53:08 pm
Post by: Helgoland on July 29, 2015, 04:44:17 am
Post by: Gentlefish on July 29, 2015, 04:51:24 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Egan_BW on August 03, 2015, 03:48:51 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tomasque on August 04, 2015, 01:13:39 pm
Post by: iceball3 on August 06, 2015, 12:29:56 am
Using their hoolagan bar.
Post by: Spehss _ on August 06, 2015, 01:55:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on August 06, 2015, 12:44:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 06, 2015, 05:03:23 pm
Post by: hops on August 06, 2015, 07:13:37 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 06, 2015, 10:08:35 pm
Post by: Bohandas on August 06, 2015, 11:46:22 pm
I like the implication that your dong turns green when it's angry.Fun fact: that does happen to elephants
Post by: Graknorke on August 07, 2015, 11:14:16 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BlackFlyme on August 14, 2015, 04:26:17 pm
Unfortunately, I had to tell her I had no flocks to give.
Post by: Loud Whispers on August 16, 2015, 01:35:15 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rubidium on August 16, 2015, 02:23:45 pm
The girl in the cartoon kind of looks like Krypton in one of my former avatar rotators.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(http://cdn.trendhunterstatic.com/phpthumbnails/184/184137/184137_1_230c.jpeg)
Post by: Descan on August 16, 2015, 03:35:03 pm
Post by: a1s on August 16, 2015, 04:10:57 pm
(ok, that's a lie, But those are chemical elements. (https://www.pinterest.com/shalondadavis12/elements/))
Post by: Descan on August 16, 2015, 05:12:27 pm
Though those are pretty cool :V
Post by: a1s on August 16, 2015, 05:26:58 pm
Now tell me like I'm not an idiot.I'm sorry, you didn't seem to know how to google, so I just assumed... :P
Anyway, it's an arts project, here's a FAQ (http://kcd-elements.tumblr.com/faq).
Post by: miauw62 on August 16, 2015, 05:30:52 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 16, 2015, 05:45:41 pm
It's the names of chemical elements set to a possibly recognizable tune. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHPmRJIoc2k&feature=youtu.be&t=1393)That dork can't pronounce words.
Post by: a1s on August 16, 2015, 06:02:22 pm
A couple, yes. Still he does manage to pronounce most of them in rapid-fire fashion. (I can't remember if he's generally bad at it, or just in this performance. I had a different recording of this song as a kid, you see, and never noticed him slurring anything. Also, the lead in was different, here he says "Gilbert and Sullivan tune", and on my tape he said "possibly recognizable", which I found to be cute all in itself.)It's the names of chemical elements set to a possibly recognizable tune. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHPmRJIoc2k&feature=youtu.be&t=1393)That dork can't pronounce words.
Post by: Descan on August 16, 2015, 06:08:38 pm
what would i even googleNow tell me like I'm not an idiot.I'm sorry, you didn't seem to know how to google, so I just assumed... :P
"elements drawn"? "rubidium cards"? "element cards"? That last one might work but seriously, it's so niche that if it popped up on a google search I'd be surprised.
Pre-edit: Yeah it doesn't.
Post by: RedWarrior0 on August 16, 2015, 06:18:38 pm
Search by image is miracles.what would i even googleNow tell me like I'm not an idiot.I'm sorry, you didn't seem to know how to google, so I just assumed... :P
"elements drawn"? "rubidium cards"? "element cards"? That last one might work but seriously, it's so niche that if it popped up on a google search I'd be surprised.
Pre-edit: Yeah it doesn't.
Post by: Descan on August 16, 2015, 06:30:23 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 16, 2015, 08:13:32 pm
Post by: Rubidium on August 16, 2015, 08:25:06 pm
Maybe I'm an idjit, but is there any way I can view stuff on pinterest without the signup prompt blocking everything off after five seconds? Besides signing up for pinterest, I mean.Access a cached version of it.
Post by: Bohandas on August 16, 2015, 08:31:02 pm
Maybe I'm an idjit, but is there any way I can view stuff on pinterest without the signup prompt blocking everything off after five seconds? Besides signing up for pinterest, I mean.
Try disabling javascript and reloading the page. You could also try turning off page styles. If neither of those work I don't know.
Post by: Rubidium on August 16, 2015, 08:33:21 pm
A thesaurus!
Post by: Bohandas on August 16, 2015, 10:18:39 pm
A.) My penis.
Post by: Bumber on August 17, 2015, 12:19:54 am
...That's like Dr. Krieger (http://archer.wikia.com/wiki/Dr._Algernop_Krieger#Sexual_Tastes) levels of inappropriate.
Post by: Yoink on August 17, 2015, 12:45:40 am
Spoiler: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? (click to show/hide)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on August 17, 2015, 12:53:44 am
Q.) What's the hardest part of seeing a child die?...Wooooow.
A.) My penis.
Post by: UXLZ on August 17, 2015, 09:44:04 am
Post by: Tack on August 17, 2015, 09:47:27 am
I mean, it makes sense.
Post by: Spehss _ on August 17, 2015, 10:22:31 am
Post by: Rubidium on August 17, 2015, 10:24:02 am
The Ruler!
(Do you get it?)
Post by: Helgoland on August 17, 2015, 10:24:23 am
That joke is older than the baby I have buried out back.Which one?
Post by: Spehss _ on August 17, 2015, 10:27:54 am
The one I have buried under the birdbath - I mean, the joke Bohandas posted earlier. Hi NSA. I'm totally not a baby murderer.That joke is older than the baby I have buried out back.Which one?
Post by: Yoink on August 17, 2015, 11:35:10 am
It was quite overshadowed by that masterpiece of Bohandas's. :P
Post by: Spehss _ on August 17, 2015, 11:48:14 am
Damn, I should have read the last few posts before throwing my joke into the mix.Found your joke funnier than Bohandas' actually.
It was quite overshadowed by that masterpiece of Bohandas's. :P
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 17, 2015, 11:54:14 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rubidium on August 17, 2015, 11:55:33 am
Hitler was a penis potato.Yes, I CLEARLY get it nowSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 17, 2015, 12:00:27 pm
Hitler was a penis potato.Yes, I CLEARLY get it nowSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on August 17, 2015, 12:11:25 pm
Hitler was a penis potato.I did nazi that coming.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on August 17, 2015, 12:12:51 pm
I've been chuckling about it all afternoon.Damn, I should have read the last few posts before throwing my joke into the mix.Found your joke funnier than Bohandas' actually.
It was quite overshadowed by that masterpiece of Bohandas's. :P
Post by: Graknorke on August 17, 2015, 06:12:13 pm
As have I. I have no shame in admitting that I am going to use that one over and over.I've been chuckling about it all afternoon.Damn, I should have read the last few posts before throwing my joke into the mix.Found your joke funnier than Bohandas' actually.
It was quite overshadowed by that masterpiece of Bohandas's. :P
And over.
Post by: Yoink on August 18, 2015, 04:35:53 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on August 18, 2015, 06:58:48 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BlackFlyme on August 19, 2015, 06:31:26 pm
Amazing how he keeps finding his way into smaller and smaller pants.
Post by: Omeganaut on August 19, 2015, 06:57:39 pm
Post by: Bohandas on August 19, 2015, 07:37:33 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on August 19, 2015, 07:50:32 pm
Have you heard the news about Jared from Subway?I don't get it.
Amazing how he keeps finding his way into smaller and smaller pants.
*googles "Jared from subway" *
...now I get it.
Post by: BlackFlyme on August 19, 2015, 09:13:38 pm
Jared's bringing a new meaning to the slogan "Eat Fresh!"
A minor resurgence of the "Jared has aides" jokes.
Something something, sandwich, meat, fresh buns.
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 19, 2015, 10:09:35 pm
Post by: Descan on August 19, 2015, 10:24:21 pm
Post by: BlackFlyme on August 19, 2015, 10:29:22 pm
At least, that's what several of the news sources I've looked up are saying.
Post by: Descan on August 19, 2015, 10:48:14 pm
Post by: Zanzetkuken The Great on August 20, 2015, 12:40:40 am
Spoiler: Joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on August 20, 2015, 05:23:35 am
Daffy goes 'What, you mean Ducks?'
Barman says 'No I mean N**gers'
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on August 20, 2015, 12:50:04 pm
Daffy Duck walks into a bar, and the barman says 'We don't serve your kind here'.
Daffy goes 'What, you mean Ducks?'
Barman says 'No I mean N**gers'
things got real quick.
Post by: BlackFlyme on August 20, 2015, 05:24:31 pm
Batman telling off Daffy Duck makes for a better mental image.
Post by: Bumber on August 20, 2015, 10:28:01 pm
The soldier replies, "There's a chink in it."
Post by: Spehss _ on August 20, 2015, 10:31:45 pm
A Chinese soldier goes to the blacksmith to repair his armor. Upon inspecting the armor, the blacksmith asks what the issue is.
The soldier replies, "There's a chink in it."
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on August 23, 2015, 03:19:12 pm
Some time later, she invites a friend over for dinner. The friend was expecting noodles, as she'd been offered. Instead, her friend comes into the dining room with uncooked flesh on a plate.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Jopax on August 23, 2015, 04:52:55 pm
So there's this passenger plane, chock full of people flying, it gets some engine trouble so the captain adresses the passengers.
-"We're having some engine trouble and one of them has stalled, but do not worry we can make it on the other three."
But the trouble continues and another engine gives in.
-"Ok, we still have two engines so we can make it but we'll need to dump the luggage."
The passengers aren't too happy but hey, it's better to live without luggage than die with it. But there's even more engine trouble and the plane is down to it's last engine.
-"Right, so we're down to our last engine and if we want to survive some of us will have to jump. Now, we don't want to discriminate or anything so we're going alphabetically. First we need the African Americans to jump."
A young boy is travelling with his father and realises the captain is talking about them, so he turns to his dad.
-"Oh my god dad, that's us!"
-"Shut up son, they'll hear you."
-"We'll need more people to jump, so next up are Blacks."
-"Dad, it's us again!"
-"Shut up son, they might hear you."
-"Ok, that wasn't quite enough, we need the Coloreds to jump next."
-"Dad it's us again!"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 23, 2015, 07:07:52 pm
The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
The mushroom is sad he lives in a racist society.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The horse never asked to be this way.
A man walks into a bar.
He says "Ouch!"
The man's healthcare provider refused to pay for his physical therapy.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He had a reason at the beginning, but having realized he was still alone and the journey meant nothing to him.
Sauce. (http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=2178)
Post by: Tomasque on August 25, 2015, 08:57:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on August 25, 2015, 09:57:57 pm
What's small, Lawful Evil, and bigger on the inside?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Q.) What's stupid, blue, and bigger on the inside
A.) a RETARDIS
Post by: H4zardZ1 on August 26, 2015, 06:58:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tomasque on August 26, 2015, 08:26:19 am
How does a thief left a detective laughing????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on August 26, 2015, 08:36:52 am
No joke - radio.How does a thief left a detective laughing????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rubidium on August 26, 2015, 04:16:35 pm
A gram of puns?No joke - radio.How does a thief left a detective laughing????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on August 26, 2015, 10:44:00 pm
Also:
Quote from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2013/09/50-terrible-quick-jokes-thatll-get-you-a-laugh-on-demand/
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
What do you calldangerous precipitationevil weather? A rain of terror.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
Quote from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/melanie-berliet/2015/03/50-terrible-childrens-jokes-guaranteed-to-crack-you-up/
What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees.
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? 'Cause it’s bound to squeal.
What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? One has its pricks on the outside. (Wait, what? This is a children's joke?)
What do you call a smart group of trees? A brainforest. (It is terrifying!)
A sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
Post by: Rose on August 27, 2015, 01:27:00 am
Post by: Eric Blank on August 27, 2015, 01:50:51 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 27, 2015, 02:49:51 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on August 27, 2015, 03:37:20 am
It's anagram of puns. One letter more, one word less.A gram of puns?No joke - radio.How does a thief left a detective laughing????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Two-layered joke. I didn't give the hints, so that's okay through.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 27, 2015, 12:51:37 pm
Babies are 70% water.
Jesus can walk on water.
I can walk on babies.
I am.. In jail.
Post by: Bohandas on August 27, 2015, 04:20:05 pm
Post by: Bumber on August 27, 2015, 05:22:52 pm
Asian people make great cars...but lousy driversSomehow I imagined a car made out of Asians. I blame Immaterial's post setting the mood.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 27, 2015, 05:54:03 pm
You're welcome.Asian people make great cars...but lousy driversSomehow I imagined a car made out of Asians. I blame Immaterial's post setting the mood.
Post by: a1s on August 31, 2015, 06:52:43 pm
That's offensive to, like, 3 different groups of people. And only one deserves it. (Tell me which one, and I'll explain why you're a horrible person ;))Spoiler: seriously, though (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on August 31, 2015, 06:53:04 pm
Post by: Rubidium on August 31, 2015, 07:00:19 pm
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
Because she kept running from the ball!
Post by: Graknorke on August 31, 2015, 11:50:28 pm
I don't get it.Is that why it's a bad joke?
I feel like it's meant to be a social commentary type of joke but fell very flat somewhere.
Post by: Eric Blank on September 01, 2015, 01:11:24 am
Literary erectile dysfunction leads to all the worst jokes.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 01, 2015, 07:51:37 am
???:What are you trying tο say?
*Trees that surround them goes Λngry
*Both char dies
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 01, 2015, 08:57:37 am
???: The rµne we Γoo king for...Ω.
???:What are you trying tο say?
*Trees that surround them goes Λngry
*Both char diesSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on September 01, 2015, 11:19:16 am
I found it amusing, if terrible.
Post by: Akura on September 01, 2015, 05:46:29 pm
Quote from: Courtesy of my mother
Spoiler: What does a gay horse eat? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on September 02, 2015, 08:14:01 am
You salad.
Post by: Eric Blank on September 03, 2015, 02:07:28 am
You spinach.
Post by: Foxite on September 03, 2015, 01:05:03 pm
Shamelessly ripped from https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jgu6h/when_i_die/
Post by: Tomasque on September 03, 2015, 05:27:55 pm
Spoiler: Punchline (click to show/hide)
Post by: Omeganaut on September 03, 2015, 06:15:52 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Fniff on September 03, 2015, 06:19:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on September 03, 2015, 07:21:21 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 03, 2015, 07:32:14 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 03, 2015, 07:40:15 pm
Post by: Bumber on September 04, 2015, 01:11:34 am
Post by: Eric Blank on September 04, 2015, 01:15:02 am
He had a little joker inside of him all along. Thanks to schizophrenia.
Post by: Tack on September 04, 2015, 01:20:14 am
How do you turn a profit with produce?
You salad.
How do you get a new angle on your salad?When would I eat the salad?
You spinach.
When you lettuce.
Post by: Bumber on September 04, 2015, 03:04:25 am
Why did the braggart maul everyone? Because he was a lion.
Why did the engineer refuse to cross his own bridge? He didn't truss the supports.
Post by: Bohandas on September 04, 2015, 02:06:00 pm
A.) James Bondage
Post by: XXXXYYYY on September 04, 2015, 03:25:00 pm
Post by: Akura on September 04, 2015, 05:32:51 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Foxite on September 05, 2015, 05:54:52 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3jnpkx/how_does_a_jew_make_coffee/
Post by: Jopax on September 06, 2015, 02:16:53 pm
-Dad, what's a fetish?
-Well, umm, you see son, it's a kind of cheese..
-That can't be right, how can a cheese be a fetish?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 06, 2015, 02:55:18 pm
Post by: Jopax on September 06, 2015, 04:02:56 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 06, 2015, 04:10:12 pm
Post by: Bohandas on September 06, 2015, 09:07:53 pm
How does a jew make coffee?
Spoiler: insensitive (click to show/hide)
EDIT:
Spoiler: along the same lines of offensiveness (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on September 06, 2015, 11:11:58 pm
Post by: Rose on September 07, 2015, 02:37:59 am
They called him the Axe Murderer.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 07, 2015, 03:33:08 am
Have you heard about the serial killer that kills people by suffocating them with spray-on deoderant?The answer itself says that he could 'murder' a product. Pity co. upon them.
They called him the Axe Murderer.
Type the sentence below as fast as you can, without erasing what have you typed.
Typos make everything cool to the max
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on September 07, 2015, 09:05:49 am
Sorry, I had caps lock on. Anyway.
Post by: Dutrius on September 07, 2015, 09:44:33 am
Damn it.
Post by: Antsan on September 07, 2015, 09:48:00 am
I think I panicked a bit at the end.
Post by: Worldmaster27 on September 07, 2015, 09:49:42 am
get wrecked
Post by: Tack on September 07, 2015, 10:12:45 am
... Damn.
Post by: Arx on September 07, 2015, 10:37:56 am
I don't seem to be very good at this game.
Post by: SaberToothTiger on September 07, 2015, 11:37:21 am
Typos make everything cool to the max.
Post by: Draxis on September 07, 2015, 03:34:25 pm
Post by: Helgoland on September 07, 2015, 04:24:40 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 07, 2015, 04:27:22 pm
Post by: Helgoland on September 07, 2015, 04:29:10 pm
Post by: LordPyrrole on September 07, 2015, 04:32:32 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 07, 2015, 04:38:22 pm
Post by: Jopax on September 07, 2015, 05:50:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
You just had to ruin it OW, didn't you...
Post by: LordPyrrole on September 07, 2015, 06:42:27 pm
A friend told me this today after I had flunked out with a girl.
Post by: Tack on September 07, 2015, 08:06:28 pm
So.
Much.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on September 07, 2015, 09:46:17 pm
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her, then the other arm, complete the tackle, it's 4th down so they have to punt, wait this might be football.
A friend told me this today after I had flunked out with a girl.
This is a great joke. WHY ARE YOU HERE!?!?!?!!?!?
Post by: Rose on September 08, 2015, 01:01:06 am
Post by: Bohandas on September 08, 2015, 01:04:24 am
A.) It was a big Mac
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 08, 2015, 06:40:08 am
Almost no typos has made it even to that(or this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edUvj22FfpA)) level, however.
Post by: Bumber on September 08, 2015, 08:28:25 am
Post by: Yoink on September 08, 2015, 03:08:43 pm
There, I did it. I jumped on the bandwagon.
Post by: Antsan on September 08, 2015, 03:40:00 pm
Post by: a1s on September 08, 2015, 03:40:50 pm
and diarrhea makes everything warm to the max.
Post by: Bohandas on September 08, 2015, 06:25:59 pm
A.) An Incontinent Ballistic Missile
Post by: LordPyrrole on September 08, 2015, 07:15:10 pm
Emperor: SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING DARK SIDE
Emperor: SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING I TRANSFORMED YOUR FATHER I WILL TRANSFORM YOU TO!
Emperor: SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING DARK SIDE
Post by: Dorfs R Fun on September 08, 2015, 07:27:34 pm
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Post by: a1s on September 08, 2015, 07:40:14 pm
Is heaven missing an angel?
Because, y'know, there's a dead angel in the back alley and you're holding a bloody knife.
P.S. also, you're attractive.
Post by: Tack on September 08, 2015, 09:57:08 pm
Link dat.
Post by: Bumber on September 08, 2015, 10:37:43 pm
Q.) What do you call a weapon delivery system that pisses all over itself?What do you call airline food that gives you diarrhea?
A.) An Incontinent Ballistic Missile
Incontinental breakfast.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 09, 2015, 07:49:10 am
Flesh Tooth With The Claw
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on September 09, 2015, 02:58:15 pm
Pickup line:Can I use this?
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 09, 2015, 06:14:18 pm
If you want to make people think you're gross/weird, sure.Pickup line:Can I use this?
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Post by: Yoink on September 09, 2015, 06:49:30 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on September 09, 2015, 09:43:24 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on September 09, 2015, 10:02:51 pm
Everyone has at least a bit of humanity in them. Especially the cannibals.Kek.
Post by: Senclair on September 10, 2015, 04:02:11 am
Everyone has at least a bit of humanity in them. Especially the cannibals.OP said terrible jokes and not amazing jokes.
Post by: Bohandas on September 10, 2015, 09:44:27 am
A.) The Rap of Nanking
Post by: Yoink on September 10, 2015, 03:46:15 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 10, 2015, 04:12:00 pm
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her, then the other arm, complete the tackle, it's 4th down so they have to punt, wait this might be football.saving this
A friend told me this today after I had flunked out with a girl.
Post by: spümpkin on September 12, 2015, 06:09:52 am
One person put down 'Razor' except spelt 'Razer'.
I asked if they had an O, and they actually did have one.
After this, I said: "That was a close shave!"
I cracked up laughing, whilst everyone else just stared at me.
Post by: Bumber on September 12, 2015, 09:28:28 pm
Compile driver.
(I'm actually somewhat proud of myself for this one.)
Post by: Gentlefish on September 14, 2015, 01:16:36 am
ia ia cthulhu ftaghn
wait shit
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 14, 2015, 06:49:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on September 14, 2015, 07:55:07 am
This is the only pun that i could do with sod ium.
Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BATMAN
Spoiler: Also, how come a chemist named a new barium compound after a fruit? (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on September 14, 2015, 07:58:30 am
Are you sleepy?I don't get it.
...
This is the only pun that i could do with sod ium.
(also it's Na3P, but I see why you would use the short version)
Post by: Tack on September 14, 2015, 08:27:52 pm
Student: Uh... It's on the tip of my tongue.
Chemistry Teacher: Then you'd better spit it out, it's sulphuric acid.
Post by: Slayerhero90 on September 14, 2015, 08:49:50 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 14, 2015, 08:59:09 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on September 14, 2015, 10:10:49 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 14, 2015, 11:27:40 pm
i've tried to be noble, but i can't help but react
Post by: Arx on September 14, 2015, 11:55:13 pm
Damn, all the good ones argon already.
Post by: Spehss _ on September 15, 2015, 12:45:15 am
Except they aren't.
Post by: Bohandas on September 15, 2015, 12:48:28 am
A.) A cation
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 15, 2015, 01:08:28 am
A.) An anion
Post by: Comrade P. on September 15, 2015, 01:17:18 am
Damn, all the good ones argon already.
Well you can wait a while, and a new joke will hit you. Chemistry jokes are made periodically.
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 15, 2015, 03:05:09 am
These puns are gold.WHAT'S A PIRATES FAVORITE ELEMMEENNNTTTT
Except they aren't.
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 15, 2015, 03:38:44 am
PYYYYYYRRRRITEThese puns are gold.WHAT'S A PIRATES FAVORITE ELEMMEENNNTTTT
Except they aren't.
IT'S ARRRRRRRRRRRR ON THE PERIODIC TABLE
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 15, 2015, 03:46:30 am
Post by: Ultimuh on September 15, 2015, 03:48:16 am
Search ResultsPYYYYYYRRRRITEThese puns are gold.WHAT'S A PIRATES FAVORITE ELEMMEENNNTTTT
Except they aren't.
IT'S ARRRRRRRRRRRR ON THE PERIODIC TABLE
You sure are FErocious.
Post by: Arx on September 15, 2015, 03:53:12 am
And a local one that probably won't make sense:
Ag, can we just stop with the chemistry puns already?
Post by: Ultimuh on September 15, 2015, 03:56:05 am
Ag, can we just stop with the chemistry puns already?
No (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nobelium)pe
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 15, 2015, 03:58:18 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 15, 2015, 04:00:04 am
Hell-ium
Lilith-um
Bore-on
Char-bon
Nitro-gen
Oxy-gen
... sod sod sodium
ARGGGGGGGG----- on
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 15, 2015, 04:43:24 am
can we just stop with the chemistry puns already?nobellium
fluorine uranium carbon potassium yttrium oxygen uranium
Post by: hops on September 15, 2015, 04:57:20 am
These puns are gold.Au gh
Except they aren't.
Post by: Comrade P. on September 15, 2015, 05:17:58 am
Germanium Thulium Oxygen Neon Yttrium
Post by: Helgoland on September 15, 2015, 05:20:09 am
Why do pedophiles make for bad composers?
Because they abuse minors.
Post by: scrdest on September 15, 2015, 06:21:39 am
From another thread:On that note...
Why do pedophiles make for bad composers?
Because they abuse minors.
Why was Adam Jensen fired from an orchestra?
He wasn't; he was suspended because he was augmented.
Post by: Descan on September 15, 2015, 07:49:54 am
This is the bestworst thread on this forumi am so happy with my baby
Post by: Omeganaut on September 15, 2015, 08:04:15 am
A C, an E flat, and a G walk into a bar. The Bartender says "Sorry, I don't serve minors."
The E flat leaves and the C and the G split a fifth of whiskey between them.
The G thinks he is rather sharp, and the booze only augments it.
However, the G is a lightweight and falls flat on the floor as his perception is diminished.
Post by: Arx on September 15, 2015, 08:05:23 am
He must be a great opera singer; he has an amazing head voice and unparallelled vibrato.
Edit: and a music pun set is posted as I type this out? Providence!
Post by: Dutrius on September 15, 2015, 02:50:19 pm
Except that Pyrite is a compound, FeS. Sorry.WHAT'S A PIRATES FAVORITE ELEMMEENNNTTTTPYYYYYYRRRRITE
IT'S ARRRRRRRRRRRR ON THE PERIODIC TABLE
No, no, its ARRRRRRgon.
Post by: i2amroy on September 15, 2015, 02:55:05 pm
No, no, its ARRRRRRgon.No, it's gold. How are pirates supposed to have known what Argon is? :P
Post by: Bohandas on September 15, 2015, 03:37:12 pm
No, no, its ARRRRRRgon.No, it's gold. How are pirates supposed to have known what Argon is? :P
No. Gold is Au
Post by: Comrade P. on September 15, 2015, 03:41:20 pm
Post by: Bohandas on September 15, 2015, 03:42:40 pm
A.) Chronic the Hedgehog
Post by: Rubidium on September 15, 2015, 04:10:29 pm
They took chemistry classes!No, no, its ARRRRRRgon.No, it's gold. How are pirates supposed to have known what Argon is? :P
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on September 15, 2015, 04:22:36 pm
Post by: Tawa on September 15, 2015, 05:38:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ultimuh on September 15, 2015, 07:33:34 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 15, 2015, 07:40:24 pm
Barium.
Post by: Tack on September 15, 2015, 07:44:04 pm
What type of overalls does Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim
Post by: hops on September 15, 2015, 07:56:38 pm
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on September 15, 2015, 08:16:43 pm
Post by: Tack on September 15, 2015, 08:27:24 pm
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on September 15, 2015, 08:27:52 pm
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 16, 2015, 02:57:36 am
Post by: Sheb on September 16, 2015, 03:14:12 am
Because Ken cam in another box. (Somehow, it was funnier yesterday said by a drunk Luxemburger, but everything is fun when said with a Luxemburger accents).
Post by: Helgoland on September 16, 2015, 06:05:26 am
Post by: hops on September 16, 2015, 03:42:54 pm
Post by: Bohandas on September 16, 2015, 04:34:18 pm
Quote
The day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.
My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"
The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"
I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"
Post by: BlackFlyme on September 16, 2015, 04:47:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on September 16, 2015, 05:13:03 pm
From http://www.sickipedia.org/0/10, Santa is not invisible.QuoteThe day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.
My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"
The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"
I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"
Post by: Akura on September 16, 2015, 05:53:26 pm
From http://www.sickipedia.org/0/10, Santa is not invisible.QuoteThe day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.
My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"
The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"
I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"
No, but it is on his spell list. Oddly, never seems to be able to cast it when children catch him in the act.
Post by: Orange Wizard on September 16, 2015, 06:13:26 pm
Post by: spümpkin on September 17, 2015, 03:02:36 am
Huh, I'd've thought it would have something to do with her acute lack of vagina. That makes me wonder: Since Barbie has no rectum, does she shit out of her mouth?Can I sig this? Just the end part. About shitting out her mouth.
Post by: Helgoland on September 17, 2015, 06:32:06 am
Post by: Tack on September 17, 2015, 08:01:40 am
To be fair, catching Santa and then seeing him cast magic spells is kinda more notable than just catching Santa.Yeah, you can't palm it off as 'just your father' if they suddenly cast invisibility.
I mean, unless your father is a wizard.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on September 17, 2015, 09:12:41 am
I mean, unless your father is a wizard.
Yours isn't?
(something something disappeared at a young age??? no? okay, I'm outties)
Post by: Tack on September 17, 2015, 09:20:32 pm
Post by: hops on September 17, 2015, 09:49:05 pm
Post by: a1s on September 18, 2015, 07:37:15 am
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on September 18, 2015, 10:01:28 am
Why has there not been a Darth Vader joke, "these are not the presents you're looking for", etc?
*rubs head* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That's not even close to a darth vader joke. I mean, we just spent like half a page talking about dads, and you come back with this goddamn ben kenobi reference? If you were my son, i'd cut your hand off.
Post by: Bumber on September 19, 2015, 02:37:05 pm
Ben... drowned?Why has there not been a Darth Vader joke, "these are not the presents you're looking for", etc?
*rubs head* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. That's not even close to a darth vader joke. I mean, we just spent like half a page talking about dads, and you come back with this goddamn ben kenobi reference? If you were my son, i'd cut your hand off.
Post by: hops on September 19, 2015, 04:32:39 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 20, 2015, 02:59:17 am
Ben... drowned?Bean d'crowned?
Post by: Bumber on September 21, 2015, 04:08:23 am
(http://hamzahummam.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/10419497_738816479504750_4473888882481610044_n.jpg)Ben... drowned?Bean d'crowned?
Post by: Baffler on September 24, 2015, 11:15:24 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on September 25, 2015, 12:02:34 am
He replies, "By using your eyes, dumbass." They begin to reconsider their marriage.
Post by: Bohandas on September 25, 2015, 01:31:10 am
A.) "Dr.Maybe"
Post by: evictedSaint on September 25, 2015, 02:38:29 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 25, 2015, 07:40:27 am
A man's wife asks him, "How do I look?"It's insnellity.
He replies, "By using your eyes, dumbass." They begin to reconsider their marriage.
KoJ us made an/a gram of Ter bille.
Anyone punderstand the joke?
Post by: Tack on September 25, 2015, 08:48:04 am
Post by: Tomasque on September 25, 2015, 09:36:49 pm
No.A man's wife asks him, "How do I look?"It's insnellity.
He replies, "By using your eyes, dumbass." They begin to reconsider their marriage.
KoJ us made an/a gram of Ter bille.
Anyone punderstand the joke?
Joining political philosophy class was a mistake. When I get called on, I keep stalin so I get bad marx.
Post by: Bumber on September 25, 2015, 10:40:20 pm
Joining political philosophy class was a mistake. When I get called on, I keep stalin so I get bad marx.And they keep Russian you?
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on September 25, 2015, 10:42:17 pm
I'm really sorry to hear that they keep putin you on the spot.Joining political philosophy class was a mistake. When I get called on, I keep stalin so I get bad marx.And they keep Russian you?
Post by: hector13 on September 25, 2015, 10:43:01 pm
Racing is a turn-based sport.
Drag-racing
That's when men dress up as women and see who's fastest.
Post by: tonnot98 on September 25, 2015, 10:59:39 pm
Herr Durr.
Post by: Spehss _ on September 25, 2015, 11:14:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
sorry.
Post by: Bohandas on September 25, 2015, 11:51:43 pm
What did Hitler say when he heard the coal mines were running dry?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
sorry.[/transparent]
I though Nazi power plants burned minorities for fuel
Post by: Akura on September 26, 2015, 06:31:03 pm
Post by: SealyStar on September 26, 2015, 07:26:18 pm
Spoiler: "Punchline" (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ghills on September 26, 2015, 11:45:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a retarded german?
Herr Durr.
That is horrible and I still nearly loled.
Post by: LordPyrrole on September 27, 2015, 03:57:07 pm
Many people get up and leave as they see the danger in an animal being in a public place.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on September 28, 2015, 05:24:44 am
Pub-lick building.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on September 28, 2015, 02:54:13 pm
What kind of building that likes to taste something?
Pub-lick building.
What kind of building is condemned and demolished for public indecency?
Pube-lick building.
Post by: SealyStar on September 28, 2015, 11:13:13 pm
First, the man kneels before the diners at the table and grovels before them to share their food with him, addressing them as "m'lord" and "m'lady".
Then the woman begins ranting about how she wants to kill all men, then says that gender is an oppressive system, and that transgender people are scum.
"It's what they ordered," says the waiter. "The serf and TERF."
Post by: Tawa on September 29, 2015, 03:56:50 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on September 29, 2015, 06:27:27 pm
So, a guy is trying to lift a hundred-pound bag of manure, and his friend goes over to him to ask a question, and is met with a frustrated "Not now!" So his friend bugs him again a few minutes later, and the guy tells him "Shut up!" His friend tries to get his attention again, and he sets down the bag of manure and turns to him, a tired look on his face.That was the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. 10/10Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on September 30, 2015, 02:20:53 pm
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Post by: acetech09 on September 30, 2015, 04:42:13 pm
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Post by: hector13 on September 30, 2015, 07:16:45 pm
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Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 01, 2015, 03:30:49 am
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Post by: Ultimuh on October 01, 2015, 04:13:04 am
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Post by: IcyTea31 on October 01, 2015, 04:29:58 am
"Is mortality high around here?", he asked.
His friend answered: "The same as in that big city of yours. One per person."
A journalist was interviewing a shepherd.
"How many sheep do you have, actually?", the journalist asked.
"3956," the shepherd answered.
The journalist was surprised at the accuracy. "How do you count them?"
"Well, first I count the legs and then divide the sum by four," came the answer.
Post by: scrdest on October 01, 2015, 05:26:58 am
A man from a big city was visiting a friend in the countryside.I like this one.
"Is mortality high around here?", he asked.
His friend answered: "The same as in that big city of yours. One per person."
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 03, 2015, 11:00:22 am
Eleven was uneven.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A man with a s word said:
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Post by: IcyTea31 on October 03, 2015, 11:29:39 am
The pharmacist, naturally, was concerned about such a request and asked what she would need it for.
"To poison my husband," came the answer.
Befuddled, the pharmacist said, "I can't sell you cyanide to murder your husband! It's against the law! I'd lose my license and we'd both go to jail! No, absolutely not, I can't give you any cyanide!"
Silently, the woman pulled out a photograph showing her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the photograph for a moment and then deadpanned, "Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
Post by: Dirst on October 07, 2015, 03:25:31 pm
First, Latvians really love potatoes. They just love them from afar.
Second, it's better to have five dead baby jokes show up in one part of the thread than to have the one dead baby joke show up in five parts of the thread.
Third, I suspect that the Russian jokes are actually funny and only become terrible when translated into English.
Fourth, do not follow any links in this thread. They are either unsafe for work, or Rick Astley (which might also be unsafe depending on where you work).
Fifth, reading too much of this thread ensures you a ticket to Hell.
Sixth, it will also ruin your eyes. You're squinting because you're going to Hell.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on October 07, 2015, 03:53:33 pm
Are those jokes supposed to be Latvian as in told by Latvians, or Latvian as in about Latvians?
Post by: Comrade P. on October 07, 2015, 04:05:12 pm
I'll leave out the part where there is also a chance that there is a strong probability of another Russian emerging immediately after first one with a radically different opinion, and those two start a flamewar.[/joke]
I'm actually with Avis on this particular topic. I also don't get the Latvian potato jokes for the very same reasons.
Post by: Helgoland on October 07, 2015, 04:10:50 pm
Post by: Tawa on October 07, 2015, 04:25:56 pm
My best guess is that they're a sort of extension of "hee hee the commies are poor"-type jokes, adding Polandball English into the mix.
Post by: Comrade P. on October 07, 2015, 04:49:05 pm
My best guess is that they're a sort of extension of "hee hee the commies are poor"-type jokes, adding Polandball English into the mix.
Well, let's leave it at that. Seems plausible.
Post by: Sheb on October 07, 2015, 06:22:02 pm
My dick.
Post by: hector13 on October 07, 2015, 07:09:12 pm
Post by: BlackFlyme on October 07, 2015, 07:31:28 pm
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Totally terrible?
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Horribly horrific?
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Fully fucked-up?
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The worst part?
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The worsterest part?
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Completely corrupt?
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I used to have a coworker who was all about dead babies. And extreme sports. Not necessarily mutually exclusive interests, depending on how persuasive you are while in front of a jury of your peers.
Post by: hector13 on October 07, 2015, 07:51:21 pm
Post by: a1s on October 07, 2015, 08:04:29 pm
Latvian SSR (which I guess where those jokes are supposed to be set) always had one of the highest consumption levels per capita in the whole USSR. And during the Latvian Republic times before that, it didn't really lack for potato either, IIRC. Now, Latvia has plenty potato as well (even though it is all probably imported from their Euroverlords </joke>). As far as I can tell, there has never been a period in which Latvia had less potato than neighboring lands.That's exactly right, good job. (except those sneaky Eestis hoarding 10% more potatoes </nojoke>) The way I figure this one is that the Latvians brought the Irish jokes back with them after going there to pick strawberries (again, nojoke- this is kind of a national problem) and added a bit of Soviet flavor to them, while, ironically, taking out the heavy drinking aspects.
In that spirit:
Latvian find potato and wonder: do I eat it? He try keep it for to make better. Potato doesn't ferment because is rock. Latvian can't forget horrible life.
Post by: Bohandas on October 08, 2015, 12:41:28 am
A.) He was cutlery insensitive
Post by: scrdest on October 08, 2015, 02:31:16 am
In that spiritI see what you did there :D
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 08, 2015, 04:04:49 am
Wheeplash. Sorry, you make the ans wer.
Post by: SOLDIER First on October 08, 2015, 08:32:51 am
Donald Trump.
Post by: Egan_BW on October 08, 2015, 08:35:12 am
Post by: SOLDIER First on October 08, 2015, 08:36:28 am
*clears throat*
Donald Trump's presidential campaign.
Post by: Egan_BW on October 08, 2015, 08:39:31 am
Post by: SOLDIER First on October 08, 2015, 08:54:08 am
Post by: Comrade P. on October 08, 2015, 09:31:03 am
Wrong thread, was actually funny.
He's but a lightweight, can't even make a terrible joke about D. Trump.
Post by: a1s on October 08, 2015, 01:12:13 pm
I don't know what you think that changes. :PTrump is a joke, but his campaign is terrible? Something like that.
Post by: Egan_BW on October 08, 2015, 02:29:53 pm
They are both jokes. And quite good ones at that! Sure, the man is bad by the standards of a man, and the campaign is bad by the standards of a campaign, but these are not the things they are.I don't know what you think that changes. :PTrump is a joke, but his campaign is terrible? Something like that.
Post by: Akura on October 08, 2015, 04:55:45 pm
Spoiler: Why did Big Boss and his sons have trouble getting plane tickets? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 08, 2015, 05:05:19 pm
If you guys wantFTFYterriblegreat jokesstill...Spoiler: Why did Big Boss and his sons have trouble getting plane tickets? (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on October 08, 2015, 06:33:48 pm
Post by: hector13 on October 08, 2015, 07:01:32 pm
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 09, 2015, 01:53:09 am
You know someone's bold when they steal another person's joke RIGHT after they posted it, quotes and all.No, someone's bold when they do this.
Post by: Bumber on October 09, 2015, 02:46:59 am
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 09, 2015, 02:49:54 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 09, 2015, 04:49:02 am
underlineWhat lies under the line?
Post by: Tack on October 09, 2015, 06:07:19 am
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 09, 2015, 06:47:54 am
What lies under the line?I don't know, but an 'n' seems to be lying over it.
Post by: hector13 on October 09, 2015, 07:48:18 am
Get with the times.
You didn't have much impact.
Fake edit: Alternatively: That wasn't very comical.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 09, 2015, 09:25:01 am
Did the line lie to us?What lies under the line?I don't know, but an 'n' seems to be lying over it.
Post by: Descan on October 09, 2015, 11:31:04 am
You fucking nerds.
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 09, 2015, 11:55:34 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 09, 2015, 12:35:23 pm
Well, only a little of them.
Post by: Akura on October 09, 2015, 04:52:58 pm
Spoiler: Why did the Imperium outlaw Halloween? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 09, 2015, 04:57:06 pm
Oh my god. Font puns.Well, we may be nerds, but we're also gentiumen. But at least we don't speak in old english.
You fucking nerds.
Post by: hector13 on October 09, 2015, 05:45:09 pm
I can speak Georgian.Oh my god. Font puns.Well, we may be nerds, but we're also gentiumen. But at least we don't speak in old english.
You fucking nerds.
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 09, 2015, 06:49:08 pm
Post by: hector13 on October 09, 2015, 06:50:23 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on October 09, 2015, 07:21:37 pm
Post by: a1s on October 09, 2015, 07:31:00 pm
You two are offending my pure Arial sensibilities.But at least we don't speak in old english.I can speak Georgian.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 09, 2015, 07:33:56 pm
Post by: hector13 on October 09, 2015, 07:45:49 pm
Edit: Alternatively: Perhaps in a Lucida moment, we will stop this nonsense?
Post by: Twinwolf on October 09, 2015, 07:47:27 pm
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 09, 2015, 09:41:27 pm
These jokes are over the line.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 09, 2015, 09:58:52 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on October 09, 2015, 10:18:19 pm
There is only one line in this building, and you have crossed it!
Post by: origamiscienceguy on October 09, 2015, 10:20:38 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on October 10, 2015, 12:41:06 am
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on October 10, 2015, 01:40:58 am
ყველა ადამიანი იბადება თავისუფალი და თანასწორი თავისი ღირსებითა და უფლებებით. მათ მინიჭებული აქვთ გონება და სინდისი და ერთმანეთის მიმართ უნდა იქცეოდნენ ძმობის სულისკვეთებით?I can speak Georgian.Oh my god. Font puns.Well, we may be nerds, but we're also gentiumen. But at least we don't speak in old english.
You fucking nerds.
Post by: Reelya on October 10, 2015, 02:10:09 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 10, 2015, 02:25:24 am
Truely punny.
Post by: 4maskedwolf on October 10, 2015, 04:01:04 am
From dead babies to potatoes to chemical to fonts.
Truely punny.
/me provides sarcastic applause
Post by: Tack on October 10, 2015, 04:19:52 am
Post by: TheDarkStar on October 10, 2015, 06:47:24 am
ყველა ადამიანი იბადება თავისუფალი და თანასწორი თავისი ღირსებითა და უფლებებით. მათ მინიჭებული აქვთ გონება და სინდისი და ერთმანეთის მიმართ უნდა იქცეოდნენ ძმობის სულისკვეთებით?I can speak Georgian.Oh my god. Font puns.Well, we may be nerds, but we're also gentiumen. But at least we don't speak in old english.
You fucking nerds.
Google Translate says "All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights . They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood ?". It also detects real Georgian.
Post by: Dutrius on October 10, 2015, 08:05:14 am
________________________________________
crossed the line.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on October 10, 2015, 10:52:20 am
Whoa, that probabilistic algorithm working like a beast. Word for word. Yeah, I don't speak Georgian, so I grabbed a stock quote for the sake of the joke.ყველა ადამიანი იბადება თავისუფალი და თანასწორი თავისი ღირსებითა და უფლებებით. მათ მინიჭებული აქვთ გონება და სინდისი და ერთმანეთის მიმართ უნდა იქცეოდნენ ძმობის სულისკვეთებით?I can speak Georgian.Oh my god. Font puns.Well, we may be nerds, but we're also gentiumen. But at least we don't speak in old english.
You fucking nerds.
Google Translate says "All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights . They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood ?". It also detects real Georgian.
Post by: martinuzz on October 12, 2015, 08:15:57 am
"CHEESEBURGER: $2
CHICKENBURGER $3
HANDJOB $15"
They guy walks up to the girl behind the counter and asks "Are you the one giving handjobs?"
"Yes I do, honey", she purrs
"Then wash your goddamn hands before you make me a cheeseburger"
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 13, 2015, 12:36:38 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 13, 2015, 08:18:46 am
Buy today?
Post by: Dirst on October 13, 2015, 08:30:42 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How can you tell a statistician is lying?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How can you tell an economist left out facts contrary to his story?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How can you tell a DF player is doing something cruel to his dwarves?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 13, 2015, 08:46:38 am
0.01$ jokeFor just twice the price, get double the quality! Buy a two-cent joke today!
Buy today?
Post by: Tack on October 13, 2015, 09:46:01 am
...
!!!!!!!!
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 13, 2015, 11:10:17 am
I really don't see the sense in it.You don't have to smell that j
...
!!!!!!!!
Post by: TheDarkStar on October 15, 2015, 09:00:44 am
How can you tell an economist left out facts contrary to his story?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
No punchline?
Post by: Jopax on October 15, 2015, 09:10:26 am
Post by: Dirst on October 15, 2015, 09:17:02 am
Jopax figured out that I am an economist.How can you tell an economist left out facts contrary to his story?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
No punchline?
Post by: Bumber on October 16, 2015, 12:35:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Post by: hops on October 16, 2015, 04:24:08 pm
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Post by: Spehss _ on October 16, 2015, 04:55:37 pm
I went to get these fruit drinks in the Food court, becauseayyy cleverSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on October 16, 2015, 10:24:59 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on October 16, 2015, 10:30:11 pm
i dont get it
You got that joke when
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BlackFlyme on October 16, 2015, 10:34:02 pm
Post by: crazyabe on October 16, 2015, 10:45:48 pm
Post by: Foxite on October 17, 2015, 11:49:49 am
I'm not sure if it's as good in english, but I'll try to translate it. "Did you hear about that immigrant? He's saving up for his set-out."
Post by: Tawa on October 17, 2015, 11:51:10 am
Post by: Foxite on October 17, 2015, 11:52:38 am
Sounds like it only works in Dutch. That just comes across as a declarative sentence in English.In this case, the set-out is a double entendre for being sent back to your home country, which you fled from, and the furniture, dishes etc. that you buy when you first buy a house. I guess that isn't a thing in english then.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 17, 2015, 11:56:38 am
Sounds like it only works in Dutch. That just comes across as a declarative sentence in English.Yeah, those aren't synonymous.
Post by: Descan on October 17, 2015, 12:06:10 pm
You could make a pun about getting your port wine taken away, and getting shipped home, I guess? :D
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 17, 2015, 12:48:18 pm
Usually people say "deported" in english.
You could make a pun about getting your port wine taken away, and getting shipped home, I guess? :D
now THAT would be a truly terrible joke.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 18, 2015, 04:19:26 am
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Post by: Dutrius on October 18, 2015, 07:08:06 am
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
90 degrees is too cold. You need to stand in a circle for the full 360 degrees.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on October 18, 2015, 07:46:12 am
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
90 degrees is too cold. You need to stand in a circle for the full 360 degrees.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
In that case your 360 degrees would be colder than Immaterial's 90 degrees, since Kelvin starts from absolute zero rather than the freezing/melting point of water.
But Fahrenheit is just stupid. The zero point being the freezing/melting-point of brine (equal proportions of salt and ice) whereas pure water freezes/melts at 32, and boils at 212. The human body is 96 on that scale, so wtf Mr. Fahrenheit?
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 18, 2015, 07:47:36 am
It is weird.If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
90 degrees is too cold. You need to stand in a circle for the full 360 degrees.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
In that case your 360 degrees would be colder than Immaterial's 90 degrees, since Kelvin starts from absolute zero rather than the freezing/melting point of water.
But Fahrenheit is just stupid. The zero point being the freezing/melting-point of brine (equal proportions of salt and ice) whereas pure water freezes/melts at 32, and boils at 212. The human body is 96 on that scale, so wtf Mr. Fahrenheit?
Also, more like 98.
Post by: a1s on October 18, 2015, 08:01:37 am
90 degrees is too cold. You need to stand in a circle for the full 360 degrees.Are you getting baked?
Post by: Tack on October 18, 2015, 08:23:06 am
Post by: origamiscienceguy on October 18, 2015, 08:23:10 am
I all seriousness, Kelvin is best for physicists, Celsius is best for chemists, and Fahrenheit is best for everyday life. Cause 'Merica
Post by: Comrade P. on October 18, 2015, 08:45:32 am
Celsius is master race.
Kelvin is space magic.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 18, 2015, 08:50:21 am
Fahrenheit is perfect. In Celsius, a fever is around 38 degrees. But in Fahrenheit, the fever is a glorious 100 degrees.I prefer Fahrenheit for measuring the temperature for human consumption.
I all seriousness, Kelvin is best for physicists, Celsius is best for chemists, and Fahrenheit is best for everyday life. Cause 'Merica
Anything science-y, Celsius or Kelvin, though.
Post by: Spehss _ on October 18, 2015, 08:50:34 am
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner.Did you hear about the mathematician who had a pie? Rumour has it he turned around one day and suddenly he had 2 pies.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazyabe on October 18, 2015, 10:37:45 am
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Post by: Sheb on October 18, 2015, 11:45:33 am
"Why are you smiling? We're going to die!"
"Well, it's nice to have boys liking me for my brains for once."
Post by: Comrade P. on October 18, 2015, 12:14:50 pm
The second man replies: "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you."
Totally stolen from Imitation Game.
Post by: Spehss _ on October 18, 2015, 01:00:56 pm
"Mommy, why was I named Rose?" asked the first one.
"Because when you were born, a bouquet of flowers was thrown in the air, and a rosepetal fell squarely on your head, sweetie," the mother replied.
"Mommy, why was I named named Tulip?" asked the second one.
"Because when you were born, a bouquet of flowers was thrown in the air, and a tulip landed squarely on your head, sweetie," the mother replied.
"Mummy, y wuz i ggngnnbblblblb?" said the third one.
"Shut up, Brick," the mother replied.
Post by: Bohandas on October 18, 2015, 01:04:25 pm
Degrees Rankine, anyone?Yeah, Rankine is the best. It's just as good as Kelvin and much better than Celcius and Farenheit.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 18, 2015, 01:07:02 pm
What are these Farenheit and Celcius you speak of?Degrees Rankine, anyone?Yeah, Rankine is the best. It's just as good as Kelvin and much better than Celcius and Farenheit.
(*Fahrenheit, Celsius)
Post by: hector13 on October 18, 2015, 03:40:42 pm
I mean brine freezes/melts at 0 degrees Fahrenheit but something like 450 degrees Rankine.
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 18, 2015, 04:03:51 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 18, 2015, 04:09:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on October 18, 2015, 04:44:33 pm
Rankine is even worse than Fahrenheit because it equates to that particular scale like Kelvin does to Celsius.459.67 degrees rankine, I'll have you know.
I mean brine freezes/melts at 0 degrees Fahrenheit but something like 450 degrees Rankine.
Because Fahrenheit is just an awesome and useful measurement system.
Post by: SealyStar on October 18, 2015, 08:01:13 pm
Post by: Graknorke on October 18, 2015, 08:36:08 pm
Fahrenheit.I kekd heartily.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 18, 2015, 11:24:26 pm
PEASANTS.Fahrenheit.I kekd heartily.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on October 18, 2015, 11:53:04 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 18, 2015, 11:54:34 pm
So weirdly enough I know the perfect cooking temperatures in celcius, I.e. Brownians and whatnot, but not in farenheit. Is it an easier number?A world in which the boiling point of water isn't 212 degrees is not one worth living in.
Post by: Rose on October 18, 2015, 11:56:49 pm
How hard is that to remember?
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 18, 2015, 11:58:38 pm
I know the perfect cooking temperatures in celcius, I.e. Brownians and whatnotAre Brownians the fans of Dan Brown? I don't see why you would want to eat them. Too much fantasy science portrayed as real gives the meat an annoying aftertaste. Still, out of curiosity, what is the right temperature to cook them?
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 19, 2015, 12:09:03 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on October 19, 2015, 12:10:18 am
325°F of course, assuming a slab of meat no more than 6 inches thick.I know the perfect cooking temperatures in celcius, I.e. Brownians and whatnotAre Brownians the fans of Dan Brown? I don't see why you would want to eat them. Too much fantasy science portrayed as real gives the meat an annoying aftertaste. Still, out of curiosity, what is the right temperature to cook them?
Post by: Tack on October 19, 2015, 12:21:19 am
Not that they're mutually exclusive in the kitchen.
But yes, meat should be around 150°C on the outside at some point during the cooking, but preferably no more than 60°C on the inside, depending on rarity.
I think med rare temp in farenheit is about 135°F?
Only really important for sous vide snobs though.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on October 19, 2015, 12:24:00 am
So weirdly enough I know the perfect cooking temperatures in celcius, I.e. Brownians and whatnot, but not in farenheit. Is it an easier number?Yes it is. Turn the grill on all the way.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 19, 2015, 12:26:28 am
Post by: Tack on October 19, 2015, 12:35:15 am
THIS ONE IS BANNED FROM THE B12 KITCHEN!Is cooking in farenheit an easier number?Yes it is. Turn the grill on all the way.
Post by: hops on October 19, 2015, 12:49:44 am
And magma crabs.
Post by: Eric Blank on October 19, 2015, 01:06:26 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 20, 2015, 03:30:22 am
And mermaid tallow. Lots of mermaid tallowTallons?
Post by: Bumber on October 20, 2015, 06:54:44 am
Post by: Jiharo on October 20, 2015, 12:51:07 pm
Post by: hector13 on October 20, 2015, 02:06:43 pm
What do you call it when one caveman humps another? Homo Erectus Coitus.
FTFY
Post by: Sheb on October 20, 2015, 04:26:25 pm
What smell of cunt, ass and feet?
...
A pair of dirty stockings.
What was the sounds of Stalin's watch?
...
Dik-tat, dik-tat, dik-tat
Post by: Comrade P. on October 20, 2015, 04:29:31 pm
What was the sounds of Stalin's watch?
...
Dik-tat, dik-tat, dik-tat
He. Hehehe. You funny. You write me letters from Siberia when you get there.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 20, 2015, 04:39:33 pm
Post by: 4maskwolf on October 20, 2015, 04:51:29 pm
In Soviet Russia, you keep time for watch!
In Soviet Russia, dwarves pick their own cats!
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 20, 2015, 04:55:32 pm
Oh wait. They already do that.In Soviet Russia, you keep time for watch!
In Soviet Russia,dwarves pick their own cats!cats fear thermonuclear dwarfsplosion!
Post by: Eric Blank on October 20, 2015, 11:09:40 pm
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 20, 2015, 11:48:55 pm
So there was something wonderful on French Twitter today called #uneBonneBlagueDeMerde (#AGoodShittyJoke).
What smell of cunt, ass and feet?
...
A pair of dirty stockings.
I'm sorry what is the joke in this?
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 21, 2015, 01:23:23 am
In Soviet Russia, dwarves die of old age on a regular basis!Wait, so in Capitalist America, old age dies of dwarves? Have we found the recipe for immortality?
Post by: Bohandas on October 21, 2015, 01:24:48 am
Post by: Cthulhu on October 21, 2015, 01:33:15 am
The bartender says "Buy him a drink and he'll tell you himself."
So he buys a pint for the strange man and asks about his big orange head.
The man with the big orange head says "Well, it's a long story...
I was walking down the beach about a year ago when I saw an old brass lamp that had washed ashore. I picked it up and just as a kind of joke I decided to rub it. Well, who would've guessed, a genie popped out in a cloud of smoke.
The genie said, "Thank you for freeing me, mortal! I will grant you three wishes, but I caution you! Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it!"
I brushed off the warning and right away I wished to be the richest man on Earth. The genie waved his hands and suddenly a massive beachfront mansion appears, piles of gold and money sprout from the sand around me, and the genie hands me the keys to a Ferrari.
So that one went pretty well, for my next wish I wished for the most beautiful wife in the world. The genie clapped his hands and out of the ocean strides the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, so beautiful I almost regretted wishing for her. I didn't deserve to look at that woman. I still don't.
Then the genie said, "You have one final wish!"
And this is probably where I made my mistake. I wished for a big orange head.
Post by: hops on October 21, 2015, 02:00:32 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 21, 2015, 09:23:13 am
A place where even trying to reverse logic doesn't work.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on October 21, 2015, 09:26:17 am
And this is probably where I made my mistake. I wished for no hands.
Post by: Roundabout Lout on October 21, 2015, 12:44:00 pm
She has her child follow as she circles the swimmers for about ten minutes before finally picking someone to drag down.
After the two feast on the catch, the child shark asks his mother why she had to circle around the prey first.
She answered, "Well, they taste a lot better once you scare the shit out of them!"
Post by: Dirst on October 22, 2015, 08:23:25 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on October 22, 2015, 08:24:51 am
OH WHY ARE YOU SO GULLIBLE MCFLY!?
Post by: martinuzz on October 24, 2015, 09:50:51 pm
"What are you in for?" Asks one of them
"I was caught reading the Playboy. Now I'm getting 500 strikes with the whip."
"Wait. Don't you get the death penalty for that?"
"Nah, thank goodness they no longer print naked pictures. So what are you in for?"
"I allowed my wife to drive a car. Now I'm getting 200 strikes with the whip"
"That's harsh man"
"You think that's harsh? Man. It's nothing compared to how she totalled my car!"
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 27, 2015, 04:04:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 27, 2015, 04:04:43 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rubidium on October 27, 2015, 04:05:50 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on October 27, 2015, 04:29:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: NAV on October 27, 2015, 04:30:11 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 27, 2015, 04:36:33 pm
Post by: Rubidium on October 27, 2015, 04:38:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 27, 2015, 04:39:14 pm
Even worse than a pile of dead babies?God, pests will get into anything, won't they?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rubidium on October 27, 2015, 04:57:47 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 27, 2015, 04:59:54 pm
Well, the half a dead baby was new.
Post by: Spehss _ on October 27, 2015, 05:00:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 27, 2015, 05:02:30 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on October 27, 2015, 05:15:05 pm
What's worse than a dead baby joke?I think you got it backwards.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on October 27, 2015, 05:22:14 pm
I didn't mean to accidentally cause the thread to spiral into DF jokes. :PIt was sad but not unexpected.
Some might even say it was inevitable.
Post by: crazyabe on October 27, 2015, 05:23:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on October 27, 2015, 05:30:29 pm
A live baby doing 200 km/h, a couple second away from impact.
Post by: Rubidium on October 27, 2015, 05:31:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on October 27, 2015, 05:33:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on October 27, 2015, 05:38:23 pm
What's even worse than that?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazyabe on October 27, 2015, 05:42:20 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 27, 2015, 05:45:53 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Worldmaster27 on October 27, 2015, 05:56:06 pm
Post by: crazyabe on October 27, 2015, 06:03:55 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on October 27, 2015, 06:56:06 pm
what's even worse than all of that combined is your collective sense of humor :pI thought my zombie baby anti-joke was decent. That was oc too.
Post by: a1s on October 27, 2015, 08:26:24 pm
Trust me, will not steal.what's even worse than all of that combined is your collective sense of humor :pI thought my zombie baby anti-joke was decent. That was oc too.
Post by: hops on October 27, 2015, 08:33:22 pm
I didn't mean to accidentally cause the thread to spiral into DF jokes. :P
What's worse than a dead baby joke?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on October 27, 2015, 11:39:53 pm
It was inevitable.I didn't mean to accidentally cause the thread to spiral into DF jokes. :PWhat's worse than a dead baby joke?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on October 28, 2015, 12:38:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Leaving red-hot magma around is known to attract deadly monotoads. Do not leave magma behind in your wake.
Post by: Tack on October 28, 2015, 12:58:48 am
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 28, 2015, 01:12:27 am
I think my palm broke the sound barrier as it flew towards my face.What's worse than a dead baby joke?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 28, 2015, 03:49:34 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Trees, DAMMIT!
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 28, 2015, 04:03:06 am
Watt's going on?Well, first we need to know Wu is cracking terrible jokes. Knowing that, Yu can ask Wen to crack another. This lets us know Watt's up next.
Post by: Sheb on October 28, 2015, 04:16:39 am
Post by: Akura on October 28, 2015, 04:51:23 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 28, 2015, 05:20:43 am
I wouldn't recommend pedophilia. It's really hard to get in, and frankly, it's a rip-off.I wouldn't recommunicate with ripped off people.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on October 28, 2015, 11:28:27 pm
What's worse than a dead baby joke?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's even worse than that?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: ggamer on October 28, 2015, 11:38:11 pm
drop it
How do you make a baby stop crying?
drop it again
Post by: Eric Blank on October 28, 2015, 11:51:50 pm
You load it in the catapult and fire!
Post by: Bumber on October 29, 2015, 06:00:43 am
How do you make aFTFY. For extra terribleness.babykitten fly?
You load it in the catapult and fire!
Edit: Further wrecked the joke by making it obscenely obvious.
Post by: Tack on October 29, 2015, 07:24:05 am
How do you make a baby stop crying?
Lullaby- Tim Minchin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESFANzZTdYM)
Go until about 1 minute at least. It gets better.
Post by: Flying Dice on October 29, 2015, 10:46:29 pm
Jesus loves me, yes he does.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I know it doesn't rhyme. I don't care.
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on October 30, 2015, 01:10:16 am
What's worse than a dead baby joke?Spoiler (click to show/hide)What's even worse than that?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's worse than half of a dead baby?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 30, 2015, 01:47:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(Think about it.)
Post by: Spehss _ on October 30, 2015, 09:59:02 am
What's red and ticks like a clock?...heh.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(Think about it.)
Post by: H4zardZ1 on October 30, 2015, 10:26:23 am
What's red and ticks like a clock?Imagine a red half-fish half-clock alarm pirate.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(Think about it.)
Mr. Red Harr-ring.
Spoiler: Joke dump (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on October 30, 2015, 12:00:06 pm
Post by: itisnotlogical on November 01, 2015, 05:43:48 pm
The priest gets drunk on beer, and blames his sinful friends for convincing him to drink of the devil's blood.
The nihilist gets drunk on whiskey, and contemplates the priest's hypocrisy.
The atheist gets drunk on some girly drink, and blames his lack of self-control for the state he's in.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on November 01, 2015, 05:47:48 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on November 01, 2015, 06:30:50 pm
Post by: hector13 on November 01, 2015, 06:51:20 pm
For example, all the dead baby jokes. Terrible jokes, yes, but not very funny, though mostly through saturation than content. Then the whole "what's worse than that" nonsense.
Post by: Spehss _ on November 01, 2015, 07:51:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheDarkStar on November 01, 2015, 08:07:08 pm
What's worse than a dead baby joke?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
/thread
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 01, 2015, 08:12:00 pm
Post by: Descan on November 01, 2015, 08:25:32 pm
Locked.
Post by: Descan on November 01, 2015, 08:34:30 pm
Hey... Would you say... It's a TRERIBEL JOEK? *rimshot*And now my contribution to the thread is complete. You may continue joking in such a way as to be terrible, my friends.
Post by: Tawa on November 01, 2015, 08:35:45 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 01, 2015, 08:37:56 pm
You're welcome.Hey... Would you say... It's a TRERIBEL JOEK? *rimshot*And now my contribution to the thread is complete. You may continue joking in such a way as to be terrible, my friends.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 01, 2015, 08:39:24 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rubidium on November 01, 2015, 08:40:11 pm
(https://sites.google.com/site/kaitlinsofficialsite/images/hapiness.png)
Guess who I just edited?
Post by: hector13 on November 01, 2015, 09:16:58 pm
Post by: Rubidium on November 01, 2015, 09:56:13 pm
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on November 01, 2015, 09:58:45 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rubidium on November 01, 2015, 10:26:02 pm
I'm Female.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on November 02, 2015, 12:16:50 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 02, 2015, 12:29:45 am
Post by: Rose on November 02, 2015, 12:58:03 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 02, 2015, 01:20:31 am
Post by: Reelya on November 02, 2015, 01:22:18 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 02, 2015, 01:33:15 am
Post by: crazysheep on November 02, 2015, 02:15:50 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 02, 2015, 02:37:12 am
sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium...
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 02, 2015, 02:48:33 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 02, 2015, 02:54:34 am
Barium Technetium Manganese!Meeeeeerh. You have too many wrong letters.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 02, 2015, 03:02:34 am
Oh, yes, sorry.Barium Technetium Manganese!Meeeeeerh. You have too many wrong letters.
Boron Astatine Manganese!
Post by: H4zardZ1 on November 02, 2015, 03:04:29 am
Fixed.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 02, 2015, 03:31:41 am
Post by: Comrade P. on November 02, 2015, 06:08:35 am
Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Bismuth Technetium Helium Sulphur Germanium Thulium Oxygen Neon Yttrium
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 02, 2015, 06:13:06 am
Post by: Bumber on November 02, 2015, 08:14:37 am
Post by: SirQuiamus on November 02, 2015, 08:49:45 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on November 02, 2015, 09:05:46 am
Yes, yes, but how do you propose we actually do that?
Iodine Deuterium Uranium Nitrogen Nitrogen Oxygen
Post by: Bumber on November 02, 2015, 09:37:39 am
Deuterium isn't on the table. It's Hydrogen.Yes, yes, but how do you propose we actually do that?
Iodine Deuterium Uranium Nitrogen Nitrogen Oxygen
Post by: Eric Blank on November 02, 2015, 10:30:45 am
Post by: Comrade P. on November 02, 2015, 11:21:04 am
Deuterium isn't on the table. It's Hydrogen.
It does, however, have a separate chemical symbol on par with other elements.
Post by: a1s on November 02, 2015, 11:23:00 am
The Hydrogen brothers are so self-importnat they each have their own sybmol (well (mono)hydrogen, deuterium and tritium do anyway).Deuterium isn't on the table. It's Hydrogen.Yes, yes, but how do you propose we actually do that?
Iodine Deuterium Uranium Nitrogen Nitrogen Oxygen
ninjad.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 02, 2015, 03:03:12 pm
Seriously?The Hydrogen brothers are so self-importnat they each have their own sybmol (well (mono)hydrogen, deuterium and tritium do anyway).Deuterium isn't on the table. It's Hydrogen.Yes, yes, but how do you propose we actually do that?
Iodine Deuterium Uranium Nitrogen Nitrogen Oxygen
ninjad.
Post by: i2amroy on November 02, 2015, 03:05:28 pm
Seriously?Yep, D and T respectively. :P (I mean they aren't on the table, but they do get at least semi-common use).
Post by: Twinwolf on November 02, 2015, 03:34:26 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on November 02, 2015, 04:46:26 pm
Post by: H4zardZ1 on November 03, 2015, 06:00:26 am
MuThμs?
Post by: hops on November 04, 2015, 05:47:42 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on November 04, 2015, 06:00:10 pm
Spoiler: Relax, it's not a dead baby joke. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on November 06, 2015, 09:49:22 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on November 06, 2015, 10:24:12 pm
Why is my penis hypothetically infinitely large?...Is this a joke about people with big cars overcompensating for something? I think I got it.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That was a terrible joke and belongs in the thread.
Post by: Tawa on November 06, 2015, 10:25:46 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on November 06, 2015, 10:36:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on November 07, 2015, 08:18:25 am
(The chips in your motherboard aren't working wonders, either.)
Post by: Tack on November 07, 2015, 12:44:18 pm
I don't like civil war jokes. Why?Don't tell those jokes, you'll cause a rift in the forum.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Not to stonewall you...
Post by: Spehss _ on November 07, 2015, 01:42:54 pm
Hey now, it's his right to tell jokes. Don't deny him his rights, or he might secede from the forum.I don't like civil war jokes. Why?Don't tell those jokes, you'll cause a rift in the forum.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Not to stonewall you...
Post by: Tack on November 07, 2015, 03:12:15 pm
You do cotton on, don't you.
Post by: Guardian G.I. on November 07, 2015, 04:37:03 pm
"...Bolsheviks have promised the people to restore serfdom".
Post by: Rubidium on November 08, 2015, 11:02:31 am
Why did the chicken go to the library?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on November 08, 2015, 12:19:50 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazyabe on November 08, 2015, 01:23:13 pm
Spoiler: Answer? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on November 08, 2015, 11:36:40 pm
A.) He was into big balls.
Post by: SaberToothTiger on November 13, 2015, 05:23:23 pm
Penicilin.
I made that one myself.
Post by: Rubidium on November 13, 2015, 07:12:15 pm
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on November 13, 2015, 09:59:02 pm
Oh, sorry, that was the punchline for a knock-knock joke.
Why didn't I lead with a "Knock Knock"?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on November 14, 2015, 03:52:57 am
Post by: hops on November 14, 2015, 04:02:34 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on November 14, 2015, 04:05:15 am
The first law of robotics is "don't talk about robot fight club"Relevant (http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3090)
Post by: Dirst on November 16, 2015, 11:19:47 am
The first law of tautology is the first law of tautology.The first law of paradoxes violates the first law of paradoxes.
Post by: Dutrius on November 16, 2015, 01:47:31 pm
Post by: hector13 on November 16, 2015, 05:10:35 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 16, 2015, 05:12:11 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on November 16, 2015, 05:20:47 pm
Post by: Tawa on November 22, 2015, 04:47:41 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on November 28, 2015, 03:01:45 am
The librarian thinks for a moment, and replies, "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure it's there."
Courtesy of my mother.
Post by: Jopax on November 28, 2015, 07:18:44 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Neonivek on November 28, 2015, 07:27:10 am
The first law of robotics is "don't talk about robot fight club"Relevant (http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3090)
With that Blue Haired guy... I wonder if Commander Keen is hiding in the robot fighting arena.
Post by: Bumber on December 06, 2015, 02:30:45 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 06, 2015, 09:38:33 am
Toady, there are certain Adventure Mode sites that are simply impossible to navigate due to lag, notably dwarven fortresses and goblin towers. Do you have any current plans to address this issue?He in fact hopes to add in crash bugs along with the lag.
Post by: TheDarkStar on December 07, 2015, 11:16:18 pm
The first law of robotics is "don't talk about robot fight club"
Relevant xkcd. (http://xkcd.com/1613/)
Post by: Sergius on December 09, 2015, 11:43:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 09, 2015, 03:19:25 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 09, 2015, 07:37:42 pm
Post by: Zanzetkuken The Great on December 09, 2015, 08:29:29 pm
I swear Trump started his campaign as a joke, but people started to take him seriously, and now he's too embarrassed to go back on it, and is instead saying more and more insane things in an attempt to discredit himself, but underestimates the stupidity of the general public.
That makes a weird amount of sense.
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 09, 2015, 08:40:57 pm
It's America, of course it makes weird senseI swear Trump started his campaign as a joke, but people started to take him seriously, and now he's too embarrassed to go back on it, and is instead saying more and more insane things in an attempt to discredit himself, but underestimates the stupidity of the general public.
That makes a weird amount of sense.
Post by: hector13 on December 09, 2015, 09:22:50 pm
But then again I find it hard to believe that he and his supporters really are as fucking mental as they've shown.
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 09, 2015, 09:25:45 pm
Post by: Helgoland on December 09, 2015, 09:31:28 pm
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 09, 2015, 10:51:15 pm
Q: Name an edible sex criminal. A: The gropefruit.I was going to guess the passionfruit
Why was six afraid of seven?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Entirely relevant (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)
Post by: Dutrius on December 10, 2015, 10:50:54 am
Whose limericks would end on the second line.
Post by: Comrade P. on December 15, 2015, 01:34:11 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Foxite on December 18, 2015, 02:27:27 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on December 18, 2015, 02:40:39 pm
How do you confuse a gay person?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh, you are so playful I could just squeeze you.
Post by: Amperzand on December 18, 2015, 02:44:33 pm
I swear Trump started his campaign as a joke, but people started to take him seriously, and now he's too embarrassed to go back on it, and is instead saying more and more insane things in an attempt to discredit himself, but underestimates the stupidity of the general public.
My fondest hope is that he's just coming out with more and more outlandish things in the hope that someone in the GOP says "enough you mad bastard" and then he says that he's been on a quest to show how ridiculous the Republicans are by making them agree to so many mad, mad policies.
But then again I find it hard to believe that he and his supporters really are as fucking mental as they've shown.
I would very much like that to be true. :/
I have my doubts.
Post by: Dirst on December 18, 2015, 03:26:47 pm
I don't think Trump is reenacting Brewster's Millions. But getting an endorsement from Putin probably didn't help his chances; Bin Laden's certainly didn't help Kerry in 2004.I swear Trump started his campaign as a joke, but people started to take him seriously, and now he's too embarrassed to go back on it, and is instead saying more and more insane things in an attempt to discredit himself, but underestimates the stupidity of the general public.My fondest hope is that he's just coming out with more and more outlandish things in the hope that someone in the GOP says "enough you mad bastard" and then he says that he's been on a quest to show how ridiculous the Republicans are by making them agree to so many mad, mad policies.
But then again I find it hard to believe that he and his supporters really are as fucking mental as they've shown.
I would very much like that to be true. :/
I have my doubts.
Post by: hops on December 21, 2015, 05:37:50 am
How do you confuse a gay person?I don't get it?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on December 21, 2015, 05:41:25 am
Congratulations; you are confused, ergo, a gay person.How do you confuse a gay person?I don't get it?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on December 21, 2015, 05:47:26 am
I thought that was
A pun
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 21, 2015, 05:58:15 am
And I'm pretty sure I'm not gay.
Post by: IcyTea31 on December 21, 2015, 06:13:24 am
Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 21, 2015, 06:18:49 am
Spoiler: 'what did the little lightbulb say to his mother?' (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on December 21, 2015, 07:44:30 am
It's an ok joke, mechanics-wise. But it's homophobic, making it awful.Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
Here's one you can do on your friends: tell the you heard someone call them an owl. Chances are pretty good they'll ask "who?".
Post by: Dirst on December 21, 2015, 09:03:24 am
I "got" the joke immediately. It reminded me of a card I had a long time ago that said "To find out how to keep an idiot busy for hours, turn card over." On both sides.It's an ok joke, mechanics-wise. But it's homophobic, making it awful.Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: H4zardZ1 on December 21, 2015, 11:47:19 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What kind of animal that wants you to be quiet?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on December 21, 2015, 11:51:03 pm
A.) In a soap dish.
Post by: Bohandas on December 22, 2015, 01:23:38 pm
A.) They talk out of their ass
EDIT:
Q.) What's the difference between the graphics from Dwarf Fortress and Donald Trump's hair?
A.) The graphics from Dwarf Fortress look much more lifelike.
Post by: Tack on December 23, 2015, 01:37:50 am
Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
I laughed.
Post by: Descan on December 23, 2015, 02:09:41 am
sometimes
Post by: Amperzand on December 23, 2015, 03:36:45 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 23, 2015, 03:53:25 am
Post by: Amperzand on December 23, 2015, 04:37:39 am
Q: What's the difference between Jack Daniels and Daniel Boone?
A: Jack Daniels is still killing Indians!
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 23, 2015, 05:10:24 am
Post by: Amperzand on December 23, 2015, 05:20:34 am
Spoiler: Explanation (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 23, 2015, 10:18:56 am
That's probably a good thing.Spoiler: Explanation (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 23, 2015, 12:18:37 pm
How is finger banging like a computerized record player?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Proudly stolen from today's SMBC.
Post by: Bohandas on December 23, 2015, 03:47:24 pm
A.) Immensa
Post by: Graknorke on December 23, 2015, 07:51:30 pm
Actual joke this time:Can you explain that one?
How is finger banging like a computerized record player?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Proudly stolen from today's SMBC.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 23, 2015, 08:03:40 pm
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 23, 2015, 08:39:54 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 23, 2015, 08:50:39 pm
Post by: Descan on December 23, 2015, 09:32:00 pm
analog i dunno man
Post by: IcyTea31 on December 24, 2015, 03:12:17 am
Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 24, 2015, 03:30:05 am
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 24, 2015, 04:56:43 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on December 24, 2015, 05:28:10 am
That is so terrible it doesn't even qualify. Straight into the finals.I need something so terrible it just simply gone from incredibly horrible into awesome.
On aon-ther matter:
"TREES, DAMMIT!"
Post by: hector13 on December 24, 2015, 09:40:42 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on December 24, 2015, 05:45:37 pm
TREES, DAMMIT!
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 24, 2015, 06:22:24 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 24, 2015, 06:23:09 pm
Post by: H4zardZ1 on December 24, 2015, 09:08:10 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 24, 2015, 10:16:34 pm
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on December 24, 2015, 11:55:19 pm
Surely better as "BEAVERS, DAMMIT!"?
"RIVERS, DAMMIT!"?
Post by: quinnr on December 25, 2015, 12:35:30 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on December 25, 2015, 12:40:11 am
Post by: hector13 on December 25, 2015, 12:41:31 am
get out
I don't know what you're complaining about, you started the damn thread :P isn't that exactly what you're looking for?
Post by: Descan on December 25, 2015, 12:52:40 am
you shining diamond
Post by: quinnr on December 25, 2015, 01:29:36 am
get out
out into that field
you shining diamond
Oh good, you really scared me there. That wasn't funny. Bye.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 25, 2015, 01:53:56 am
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 25, 2015, 03:10:17 am
It's because this is meant to be a terrible jokes thread. Go to the funny jokes threadget out
I don't know what you're complaining about, you started the damn thread :P isn't that exactly what you're looking for?
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 25, 2015, 04:01:21 am
Post by: a1s on December 25, 2015, 04:52:48 am
You should be careful, they can kill you with their brain.Surely better as "BEAVERS, DAMMIT!"?
"RIVERS, DAMMIT!"?
Post by: Tack on December 25, 2015, 05:43:26 am
A pool table.
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 25, 2015, 09:13:27 pm
What's brown and green, has four legs and can kill a moose if it falls from a tree?I was going to say "Drop Bears with a mouth full of gum leaves" but then I realised we don't have moose in Australia... We have cattle. And Horses. And a high unemployment rate
A pool table.
Post by: quinnr on December 25, 2015, 10:16:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call a man no arms or legs?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
lolololololol
Post by: crazyabe on December 25, 2015, 10:25:21 pm
A Man walks into a Bar
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The Bartender walks into a bar
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A Stripper walks into a Gay bar
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A Safety inspector walks into a bar
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
A Troll Walks into a bar
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Santa Walks into a bar
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Any of them need to be removed for being good?
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on December 25, 2015, 10:31:31 pm
Any of them need to be removed for being good?No, you're fine.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 26, 2015, 04:38:56 am
How can you tell if 2 elephants have been into your fridge? There's 2 footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if 3 elephants have been into your fridge? There's 3 footprints in the butter.
How many elephants can fit into a Mini? 4
How can you tell if 4 elephants have been into your fridge?
Spoiler: answer (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on December 26, 2015, 07:01:18 am
How can you tell if 4 elephants have been into your fridge?Spoiler: answer (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on December 26, 2015, 04:43:48 pm
*listener is brutally clobbered by a paranoid schizophreniac who has just walked into the bar*
Post by: hector13 on December 26, 2015, 04:46:29 pm
So a paranoid schizophreniac walks into a bar.
*listener is brutally clobbered by a paranoid schizophreniac who has just walked into the bar*
Alternatively: "Are you making jokes about/laughing at me?"
Post by: Helgoland on December 26, 2015, 09:29:38 pm
Spoiler: Rape culture (click to show/hide)
Post by: Graknorke on December 26, 2015, 09:42:07 pm
Post by: Flying Dice on December 26, 2015, 10:01:08 pm
Yeah, as it turns out, Scotland is pretty much the homeland of rape culture.Spoiler: Rape culture (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on December 26, 2015, 10:29:01 pm
As a Scotsman, I have no idea whether I should take offense at that terrible insult.Yeah, as it turns out, Scotland is pretty much the homeland of rape culture.Spoiler: Rape culture (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 26, 2015, 10:58:04 pm
As a Scotsman, I have no idea whether I should take offense at that terrible insult.No true Scotsman turns down the opportunity to take offence.
Post by: hector13 on December 26, 2015, 11:02:31 pm
I do like my salted porridge while going commando, shouting abuse at the EnglishAs a Scotsman, I have no idea whether I should take offense at that terrible insult.No true Scotsman turns down the opportunity to take offence.
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 27, 2015, 01:04:57 am
Post by: hector13 on December 27, 2015, 01:10:28 am
Post by: Comrade P. on December 27, 2015, 10:47:40 am
Spoiler: Which way is Michael Jackson going? Consult with your stereotypes! (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on December 27, 2015, 10:59:42 am
Which makes me a terrible person, though arguably sticking to the stereotype that the Scottish are racist bastards.
Post by: Comrade P. on December 27, 2015, 12:57:04 pm
Post by: Kot on December 27, 2015, 01:10:19 pm
Post by: Cthulufaic on December 27, 2015, 01:11:52 pm
What's the difference between boyscouts and jews? Boyscouts actually return from their camp.As resident jew, I find that hilarious XD
Post by: Twinwolf on December 27, 2015, 01:13:23 pm
Post by: Kot on December 27, 2015, 01:15:34 pm
But yeah, it's still terrible, because, well, jews.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 27, 2015, 01:16:11 pm
There should be a "Not-Terrible Jokes" thread.Ask and ye shall receive. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=155046.0)
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on December 27, 2015, 04:01:00 pm
Post by: IcyTea31 on December 27, 2015, 11:26:49 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on December 27, 2015, 11:30:17 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 27, 2015, 11:32:52 pm
Dying of pure unbridled hatred, actually.
"Mark all messages as read"
Post by: Kot on December 27, 2015, 11:54:33 pm
Haha, good one.
Post by: a1s on December 29, 2015, 06:54:43 am
- Doesn't the bible say "thou shalt not kill", Padre?
- Worry not, my son, I'm only going to shoot the kneecaps.
An old lady walks into a gun shop and asks to see some handguns.
- is this for defense? - asks the clerk
- Oh, goodness, no - says the lady - I've got a lawyer for that.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on December 29, 2015, 02:18:31 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on December 29, 2015, 02:26:08 pm
A church pastor gets in a taxi and drives for home. On the way there, the taxi crashes and both the Pastor and the taxi diver both die. They both go to heaven and God gives the taxi driver a large beautiful home, but he gives the Pastor a small shack. The pastor asks "why do I get so much less than the taxi driver?" And God answers, "When you preach, people sleep. But when he drives, people pray."
Wrong thread, this was good.
Post by: IcyTea31 on December 29, 2015, 03:11:04 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 29, 2015, 03:14:07 pm
Put them in here. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=155046.0)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on December 29, 2015, 03:17:27 pm
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a plane and the plane gets overloaded. The pilot says that 3 of them are going to have to sacrifice themselves if the other is to survive. The Frenchman says "vive la France!" and jumps out. The Englishman says "Long live the queen!" and jumps out. The Texan says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
Post by: Arx on December 29, 2015, 03:20:51 pm
A very wealthy man is diagnosed with terminal cancer. As people are wont to do in these circumstances, he converts to Christianity and starts praying desperately for God to at least let him take some of his stuff with him to heaven. After a bit of thought, God agrees, and says he may bring one suitcase full.
Very pleased with himself, the man converts as much of his cash as possible into gold bars and has them packed in a rolling suitcase, which he keeps under his bed. The time comes that he dies, and he arrives before the Gates with his suitcase. St. Peter asks him about it, but he explains God's special dispensation.
"Well, this is very irregular, but if God says so..." Peter replies. "But I do need to have a look at what you've brought."
The man, glee barely contained, opens the suitcase. Peter's jaw drops.
"Bet you've never seen anything like this before, eh?" The man asks.
"You brought paving stones?" Peter replies.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 29, 2015, 03:22:40 pm
Post by: Comrade P. on December 29, 2015, 03:23:01 pm
In a clip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRZiF_uOvv4)
Post by: Adragis on December 29, 2015, 03:23:25 pm
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
DOCTOR WHO YOU JUST SAID IT AHHAHAHAHA
Post by: SOLDIER First on December 29, 2015, 03:35:47 pm
What's that? Yes?
Okay, thanks.
Post by: crazysheep on December 29, 2015, 03:37:17 pm
An Englishman, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Norwegian and a Swede were all on a plane together. The flight was going well, until the pilot informed everyone that due to a faulty engine the plane is overloaded. They ditched all their luggage and everything that wasn't nailed down, but the plane was still overloaded. They tore all the seats and other nonessential parts of the plane and threw them out as well, but the plane was still overloaded. It was clear someone would have to sacrifice themselves for the others to survive. The Frenchman jumped out, screaming "Long live Liberty!" The plane was still overloaded. The Englishman jumped out, screaming "Long live the Queen!" The plane was still overloaded. The Finn and the Norwegian threw the Swede out, screaming "Long live Nordic co-operation!"
Slightly different version I learned:We have a rather different version over here:
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and a Texan are in a plane and the plane gets overloaded. The pilot says that 3 of them are going to have to sacrifice themselves if the other is to survive. The Frenchman says "vive la France!" and jumps out. The Englishman says "Long live the queen!" and jumps out. The Texan says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.
A Malaysian, an Indonesian, a Cuban and a Japanese man are on a boat trip down a river somewhere.
Halfway through their journey, an engine problem develops and the captain advises the passengers to ditch unessential baggage to lighten the load.
The Cuban throws out a crate of cigars, stating "Plenty of this in my home country."
The Japanese throws out his collection of digital watches, also stating "Plenty of these in my home country."
The Indonesian throws a crate of clove cigarettes overboard, also saying "Plenty of these in my home country."
The boat continues sinking, and all eyes are on the Malaysian. Without batting an eyelid he throws the Indonesian overboard.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: origamiscienceguy on December 29, 2015, 03:42:29 pm
Post by: Grim Portent on December 29, 2015, 03:45:28 pm
There's an American, an Englishman and a Mexican on a boat that begins sinking because it's overloaded.
The Englishman throws his tea overboard saying 'we have plenty of tea back home.'
The Mexican throws his beans overboard saying 'we have plenty of beans back home.'
The American throws the Mexican overboard saying 'we have plenty of Mexican's back home.'
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 29, 2015, 05:25:28 pm
There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
Post by: origamiscienceguy on December 29, 2015, 05:46:06 pm
The New Zealand version:That's totally racist. The others were understandable, but you just took it waaay to far. [/sarcasm]
There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
Post by: Helgoland on December 29, 2015, 07:58:35 pm
The version I heard goes like:We've got that one in Germany too, except with a Dutch guy, a Turkish guy, and a German. 'Wir haben zuhause eh zu viele davon.'
There's an American, an Englishman and a Mexican on a boat that begins sinking because it's overloaded.
The Englishman throws his tea overboard saying 'we have plenty of tea back home.'
The Mexican throws his beans overboard saying 'we have plenty of beans back home.'
The American throws the Mexican overboard saying 'we have plenty of Mexican's back home.'
Not a joke I'd usually tell, really.
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 29, 2015, 08:08:55 pm
yeah there's not a single white person in sightThe New Zealand version:That's totally racist. The others were understandable, but you just took it waaay to far. [/sarcasm]
There's an Asian, an Islander (i.e. Pacific Islands), and a Maori on a plane. The pilot says, "the plane's about to crash, we need to lighten the load"
The Asian takes off his shoes and throws them off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Islander takes off his shirt and throws it off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
The Maori picks up the Asian and throws him off, saying "we have plenty of those where I come from"
so much for diversity huh
Post by: a1s on December 29, 2015, 08:53:38 pm
totally racist.Alright.
An elf, a human, a dwarf and an ork are flying on a dragon (consensualy- the dragon is being compensated in a fair manner determined by flyer's union) and the dragon is shot (for reasons other than being a dragon.) The non-gender specific people of various races look around and discover they only have 3 scrolls of featherfall.
So, the dwarf says "I have 17 children and 3 wives, I have to survive", grabs a scroll and jumps off.
Then the elf says "I'm the smartest one here, so I have to survive", grabs a scroll and jumps off.
The ork says "We orks, for reasons unrelated to racism are always ready to die, and since we're such good friends, human (or whatever- I'm raceblind) I'm going to give the last scroll to you"
"No need " says human (or the ork, it doesn't matter. Maybe it was the human who was all self-sacrificial. You don't know, because this joke isn't racist.) "the smartest person on this dragon just jumped out with my lunch menu".
Post by: origamiscienceguy on December 29, 2015, 08:55:41 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 29, 2015, 08:56:44 pm
I bet it was a black dragon because it got shot.
Oh shots fired!
... Otherwise they wouldn't be in this mess.
Post by: Dutrius on December 29, 2015, 09:54:39 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 29, 2015, 09:55:46 pm
Why not give the scroll to the dragon, so they all survive?...Because that ruins the joke?
Post by: Kot on December 29, 2015, 10:02:10 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 29, 2015, 10:03:50 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 29, 2015, 10:06:08 pm
You want the negative numbers.
You would know :P
Alternatively, that's just what you want, Mr. Railroad.
Post by: Kot on December 29, 2015, 10:10:51 pm
a) He's a dick
b) He wants to see who will be left behind
c) The abandoned person will totally survive and have a chance to get back on their old friends arses, drama ensues
Because, well, that's what a good, dickish DM would do.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 12:13:32 am
https://1d4chan.org/wiki/The_Henderson_Scale_of_Plot_Derailment
Quote
-0.5 Hendersons The action undertaken has solved the current plot, and nearly solved the main subplot. It has also had a minutely positive effect on the main plot and the game universe as a whole, outside of your party.I'd peg giving the scroll to the dragon as about a... -0.35
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 12:28:21 am
Certainly to the point of being a .25 on the scale from all the players processing the "What the fu- hey that might actually work..." while the GM frantically tries to figure out how to keep things going the way they wanted it to.
'cause obviously having fewer scrolls than party members, they had plans beyond the broken beasty, even if it was just to get rid of a shitty annoying PC.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 12:33:49 am
Post by: Kot on December 30, 2015, 12:45:01 am
Post by: Egan_BW on December 30, 2015, 12:47:46 am
Post by: Kot on December 30, 2015, 12:49:37 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 12:50:01 am
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 12:54:21 am
But I also wouldn't think the GM would expect a -9 on the scale as described. I feel like the negatives are just confusing the whole matter.
Well... the -9 certainly is absurd, but if you basically consider the Henderson scale as "This is how much you have de-railed the GM's gameplan", so negatives basically mean you're basically doing what the GM wants you to do, in more or less the way they expected it.
Edit: thank you, Kot, for giving me something interesting to read when I should be bloody sleeping :P
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 12:55:49 am
Also, no, you're resolving the plot instead of wrecking it in Negative Hendersons, but there's some level of WTFery either way.
Post by: Spehss _ on December 30, 2015, 01:03:37 am
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 01:04:03 am
Well, for some value of derail, that wasn't. It was clearly expected that the feather fall scrolls be used on somebody for this purpose.
Also, no, you're resolving the plot instead of wrecking it in Negative Hendersons, but there's some level of WTFery either way.
Well, we're certainly using the Henderson on the topic, otherwise I'd continue.
Unless we continue discussing while posting shit jokes, but I'm not that good.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 01:09:53 am
Post by: Egan_BW on December 30, 2015, 01:10:51 am
Old Man Henderson throws the plane out the door, saying "we have plenty of these where I'm from."
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 01:11:24 am
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 01:12:19 am
HEY, THAT WAS FUNNY, BAD.
+1
I shall also sig it, because yeah.
Edit: With 16 character remaining, no less.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 01:13:53 am
Post by: Egan_BW on December 30, 2015, 01:19:27 am
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 01:22:16 am
What?! It was funny?! And sigged?! I do not understand! It was just a tired joke! I didn't even have a punchline!
Old Man Henderson is the punchline! He's like Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer and The Most Interesting Man In The World all rolled into one.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 01:22:24 am
Old Man Henderson throws the plane out the door, saying "we have plenty of these where I'm from."Sounds like a punchline to me, right Rupert?
Post by: Kot on December 30, 2015, 01:23:13 am
He can be all those, but he'll never be Sly Marbo, or the Universe would cease to exist.What?! It was funny?! And sigged?! I do not understand! It was just a tired joke! I didn't even have a punchline!
Old Man Henderson is the punchline! He's like Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer and The Most Interesting Man In The World all rolled into one.
Post by: Bohandas on December 30, 2015, 02:31:32 pm
"You have hree apples and Jamal takes two of them. Whzt color is Jamal?"
Post by: Tack on December 30, 2015, 03:02:20 pm
Only three parachutes, "I'm too rich to die", "I'm too smart to die", 'you're too young to die'
- "don't bother. Rich guy took my schoolbag".
---
What's brown and hairy and deadly when it falls out of trees?
A Gorilla.
What's even deadlier?
An Angry Gorilla.
Why is it angry?
It just got nailed by a coconut.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One gorilla. Many lightbulbs.
What time is it when a gorilla is sitting on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
What do you give a 300lb gorilla?
Whatever the fuck it wants.
Why did the gorilla cross the road?
It didn't want to seem like a chimpansy.
Post by: Sonlirain on December 30, 2015, 03:26:10 pm
Have you heard the joke about the witches broom?
No?
How odd it's sweeping the valley!
He had like 7 different jokes that loop and most of them were puns. Can't really recall much beyond the broom of doom one.
Post by: IcyTea31 on December 30, 2015, 04:34:22 pm
What do you give a 300lb gorilla?Did you know one can legally, even as a civilian, buy military APCs and even tanks for personal use? Question is, where may one drive that 30-ton heavily armoured tracked vehicle? Where ever the fuck one wants.
Whatever the fuck it wants.
Post by: Spehss _ on December 30, 2015, 06:26:28 pm
Here's a good one I just found here (http://www.sickipedia.org/)Heh. Lots of shitty jokes here but I found one that's not bad.
A man walks into a library and says, " Do you have any books on poor eyesight?"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on December 30, 2015, 06:42:56 pm
What do you give a 300lb gorilla?Did you know one can legally, even as a civilian, buy military APCs and even tanks for personal use? Question is, where may one drive that 30-ton heavily armoured tracked vehicle? Where ever the fuck one wants.
Whatever the fuck it wants.
Which makes me want to buy an APC and strip the armor/other crap I won't need off, use it for whatever the fuck. It would make a great snowplow, tractor, hopefully wont get stuck in the mud all the damn time. I'd never be late for work because my car got stuck in four inches of snow at the bottom of the driveway again.
Post by: Egan_BW on December 30, 2015, 06:46:27 pm
Yeah, that one belongs in the other thread.Here's a good one I just found here (http://www.sickipedia.org/)Heh. Lots of shitty jokes here but I found one that's not bad.
A man walks into a library and says, " Do you have any books on poor eyesight?"Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spehss _ on December 30, 2015, 07:31:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on December 30, 2015, 07:35:05 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 30, 2015, 07:35:41 pm
That was actually pretty funnyYeah, there's a thread for those...
Post by: Spehss _ on December 30, 2015, 07:38:41 pm
You mean jokes aren't all inherently terrible? :PThat was actually pretty funnyYeah, there's a thread for those...
Post by: Egan_BW on December 30, 2015, 07:41:08 pm
This requires science.You mean jokes aren't all inherently terrible? :PThat was actually pretty funnyYeah, there's a thread for those...
Post by: BlackFlyme on December 30, 2015, 07:43:40 pm
The librarian directs him to the correct section.
Post by: Spehss _ on December 30, 2015, 07:45:16 pm
This requires science.Sounds like we should throw a bunch of dead baby jokes out there and see what sticks.
Post by: BlackFlyme on December 30, 2015, 07:46:39 pm
Post by: Tawa on December 30, 2015, 08:10:37 pm
DATA OBTAINED (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=119347.msg6577016#msg6577016)This requires science.Sounds like we should throw a bunch of dead baby jokes out there and see what sticks.
Post by: BlackFlyme on December 30, 2015, 08:17:54 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 08:53:17 pm
Post by: BlackFlyme on December 30, 2015, 08:57:21 pm
I'm bored and have nothing else to do.
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 09:02:11 pm
Post by: Helgoland on December 30, 2015, 10:14:55 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 30, 2015, 10:22:37 pm
Post by: Amperzand on December 30, 2015, 10:33:40 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on December 30, 2015, 10:37:22 pm
Post by: crazyabe on December 30, 2015, 11:25:08 pm
Spoiler: See spoiler for answer for this and your statement. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on December 30, 2015, 11:28:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on December 31, 2015, 02:23:19 am
I don't get this version?totally racist.Alright.
An elf, a human, a dwarf and an ork are flying on a dragon (consensualy- the dragon is being compensated in a fair manner determined by flyer's union) and the dragon is shot (for reasons other than being a dragon.) The non-gender specific people of various races look around and discover they only have 3 scrolls of featherfall.
So, the dwarf says "I have 17 children and 3 wives, I have to survive", grabs a scroll and jumps off.
Then the elf says "I'm the smartest one here, so I have to survive", grabs a scroll and jumps off.
The ork says "We orks, for reasons unrelated to racism are always ready to die, and since we're such good friends, human (or whatever- I'm raceblind) I'm going to give the last scroll to you"
"No need " says human (or the ork, it doesn't matter. Maybe it was the human who was all self-sacrificial. You don't know, because this joke isn't racist.) "the smartest person on this dragon just jumped out with my lunch menu".
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 31, 2015, 02:30:09 am
Post by: Spehss _ on December 31, 2015, 02:55:43 am
The self-proclaimed "smart" guy made a stupid mistake that will lead to his death. That's the punchline. The ground is the line that punches the elf.I don't get this version?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on December 31, 2015, 04:42:08 am
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 31, 2015, 08:36:00 am
Spoiler: long (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on December 31, 2015, 08:46:55 am
Jokes on all of them: you can't interact with your inventory while falling, none of them tried to caste the spell before jumping.
Back in Morrowind, this was a thing. Saved lives after a certain random encounter, you know.
Post by: scrdest on December 31, 2015, 09:30:58 am
Put it in the other thread, I love it!Spoiler: long (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on December 31, 2015, 11:36:30 am
Jokes on all of them: you can't interact with your inventory while falling, none of them tried to caste the spell before jumping.Except it's not in their inventory?
And yeah, long joke to the other thread...
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 31, 2015, 04:42:15 pm
It's a terrible joke because it leads the audience to believe we're going to tell them what the noise was and then we leave them in the dark.
Who was bigger? Mrs bigger or her son?
Her son was a little bigger
Post by: Spehss _ on December 31, 2015, 04:54:15 pm
Who was bigger? Mrs bigger or her son?Heh.
Her son was a little bigger
Post by: BFEL on January 01, 2016, 07:03:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Adragis on January 02, 2016, 08:05:56 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 03, 2016, 04:42:16 am
Post by: Adragis on January 03, 2016, 05:05:48 am
Post by: Tack on January 03, 2016, 08:39:35 am
Post by: BFEL on January 03, 2016, 09:53:58 am
Post by: hector13 on January 03, 2016, 10:00:53 am
So no reaction to mine then? :'(
It was
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 03, 2016, 11:16:18 am
Who's there?
...
...
...
*absolute silence*
::)
muttermutter imprecations against pranksters muttermutter.
Post by: xaritscin on January 03, 2016, 11:40:02 am
yeah its not funny, its a joke in spanish :P yeah, we use the spanish word for chair as sinonym for the riding mount...
Post by: Reelya on January 03, 2016, 01:25:56 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on January 03, 2016, 02:42:19 pm
You: "I know the best knock-knock joke ever, but you have to start it."
Stranger: "uuhhh... knock knock?"
You: "Who's there?"
(Stranger stands in silence for a few seconds while you slowly start to laugh and walk away.)
Post by: IcyTea31 on January 03, 2016, 04:10:23 pm
Post by: Adragis on January 03, 2016, 04:30:36 pm
A donkey.
Post by: Tack on January 04, 2016, 10:51:22 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What did Farmer Suzy say when she found it?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bohandas on January 14, 2016, 11:00:09 pm
A.) The newfangled banner
Post by: hops on January 15, 2016, 06:02:08 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on January 15, 2016, 06:16:41 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on January 15, 2016, 08:36:44 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Demonic Spoon on January 17, 2016, 01:55:35 pm
Boo! Such a tease >:(Spoiler: long (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on January 17, 2016, 03:11:33 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on January 17, 2016, 03:13:54 pm
What is the most musical crustacean in the ocean?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
The bassing shark.
Post by: scrdest on January 17, 2016, 04:54:42 pm
The bassing shark.I think you meant the least musical one :P
Post by: hector13 on January 17, 2016, 06:01:24 pm
The bassing shark.I think you meant the least musical one :P
:o
I will take offence for bassists everywhere.
Post by: Rubidium on January 17, 2016, 06:02:47 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on January 17, 2016, 06:05:28 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on January 17, 2016, 06:06:14 pm
Post by: Rubidium on January 17, 2016, 06:07:59 pm
What's musical style is the ocean?This reminds me of middle school orchestra... there were 2 bass players... and they were fish.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: scrdest on January 17, 2016, 06:13:47 pm
Make like a bass player and be inaudible.The bassing shark.I think you meant the least musical one :P
:o
I will take offence for bassists everywhere.
Just bants, no offense intended :P
Post by: crazyabe on January 17, 2016, 06:19:44 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on January 18, 2016, 01:13:57 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on January 18, 2016, 01:39:53 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Knock-knock! Who's there?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on January 18, 2016, 04:38:59 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SaberToothTiger on January 18, 2016, 05:26:07 am
Post by: a1s on January 18, 2016, 09:01:34 am
Is it worth pointing out it took the bassist over an hour to get get offended? ;DThe bassing shark.I think you meant the least musical one :P
:o
I will take offence for bassists everywhere.
Post by: hector13 on January 18, 2016, 09:09:03 am
I'm not a bassist :P I just realise the offence.Is it worth pointing out it took the bassist over an hour to get get offended? ;DThe bassing shark.I think you meant the least musical one :P
:o
I will take offence for bassists everywhere.
I'm also not going to check the thread every 30 seconds :P
Post by: Dirst on January 19, 2016, 06:18:18 am
Ah, having a life (that gives you something more interesting to do than checking every 30 seconds) was a pretty good clue that you are not a bassist.I'm not a bassist :P I just realise the offence.Is it worth pointing out it took the bassist over an hour to get get offended? ;DThe bassing shark.I think you meant the least musical one :P
:o
I will take offence for bassists everywhere.
I'm also not going to check the thread every 30 seconds :P
Post by: Tawa on January 19, 2016, 09:19:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Adragis on January 20, 2016, 03:41:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SOLDIER First on January 20, 2016, 09:20:11 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kot on January 20, 2016, 09:29:15 am
What's the worst joke of all time?It's so terrible I don't get it.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on January 20, 2016, 10:26:23 am
1: "Hey, how's it going?"
2: "I was in the woods yesterday, and found a big canister of high-quality moonshine."
1: "Cool. What'd you do with it?"
2: "Well, since I'm underage, I did the responsible thing and poured it all on the ground and threw the canister away. What would you have done?"
1: "The same as you. Lied."
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on January 21, 2016, 03:14:34 am
What bone's connected to the mouth bone? The TROM-bone!
- Here's another instrument related one: What instruments did the band of skeletons play? The BONEgos, the tromBONE, the xyloBONE, and the... internal organ. Ba-dum tss.
What did the skeleton say when they carpooled with their skeletal friend? "I guess you could say we're carpals now."
Why was the object the skeleton was grabbing for out of their radius? They were missing the lower part of their arm!
whoops i am no good at coming up with jokes
Post by: Eric Blank on January 21, 2016, 03:30:50 am
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on January 21, 2016, 03:34:21 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 21, 2016, 09:01:31 am
And the fourth.
Post by: Descan on January 21, 2016, 11:20:14 am
Post by: Adragis on January 21, 2016, 03:41:43 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on January 21, 2016, 04:03:09 pm
If it turns out to be there, I do approve Chronos/Kronos.I hope this doesn't trigger any controversy.
Post by: SaberToothTiger on January 22, 2016, 06:39:25 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 23, 2016, 12:01:59 am
Post by: Rolepgeek on January 23, 2016, 02:31:48 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Amperzand on January 28, 2016, 01:10:09 am
Space thread crosspost:If it turns out to be there, I do approve Chronos/Kronos.I hope this doesn't trigger any controversy.
Wait what.
What shipping.
...is chronosxkronos a thing
please say no
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 28, 2016, 12:10:14 pm
Post by: Twinwolf on January 28, 2016, 12:49:54 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 28, 2016, 12:52:28 pm
Actually it's mostly one person...*Not really, but there is a shipping cabal.
Post by: Tawa on January 28, 2016, 01:13:04 pm
Today, a murder was committed. The suspect, Joel Stevens, was apprehended on the spot. The victim was kidnapped, tortured, and later had his heart cut out with a spoon. The police took fingerprints and found the victim to be one "Hao Long". The suspect, when questioned, said he didn't know anybody named Hao Long, but refused to state his victim's name.
The head detective, while flipping through the reports on Stevens' friends, found a photo eerily similar to Hao Long's. The name? Arthur Nayme.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Space thread crosspost:If it turns out to be there, I do approve Chronos/Kronos.I hope this doesn't trigger any controversy.
Wait what.
What shipping.
...is chronosxkronos a thing
please say no
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolepgeek on January 28, 2016, 10:56:06 pm
When asked about the dangerous chemicals one of his students had been allegedly injured using during an experiment, the residing professor admitted that:
Quote
"[W]hile many chemicals are dangerous...potassium oxide is OK"
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 28, 2016, 11:28:31 pm
Yup. Terrible.
Post by: Rolepgeek on January 28, 2016, 11:30:14 pm
He has to keep his job, you know.
Post by: IcyTea31 on January 29, 2016, 06:54:56 am
Quote
Weather effects in Finland and rest of the World:
+15°C: Spaniards wear caps, gloves and winter coats. Finns are sunbathing.
+10°C: Frenchmen desperately try to get their central heating on. Finns plant flowers.
+5°C: Italian cars won't start. Finns drive with convertibles.
0°C: Pure water freezes. Water in river Vantaa thinkens a bit.
-5°C: First people are found frozen in California. Finnish midsummer festival ends.
-10°C: Scotsmen turn the heat on in their houses. Finns start to use long-sleeve shirts.
-20°C: Swedes stay indoors. Finns are having last barbeque before winter.
-30°C: Half of the Greek people have frozen to death. Finns start to dry their laundry indoors.
-40°C: Fake Santas are moving to south. Finnish army cancels winter training due to warm weather.
-50°C: Danes are loosing their teeth. Finns rent movies and stay indoors.
-60°C: Polar bears evacuate North Pole. Finnish army starts its winter training.
-70°C: Siberian people are moving to Moscow. Finns are furious since the Koskenkorva can't be stored outdoors anymore.
-273°C: Absolute Zero. Finns admit that it is quite cold outside.
-300°C: Hell freezes over. Finland wins soccer World Cup.
What's the word for a punchline that is simultaneously hilarious and sad because it's true?
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 29, 2016, 06:56:27 am
Post by: hops on January 29, 2016, 08:20:41 am
And since this is the terrible jokes thread....
What's the deal with airline food?
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 29, 2016, 08:22:04 am
Observational humor, I think.There isn't one. The prices are sky-high.
And since this is the terrible jokes thread....
What's the deal with airline food?
Post by: Comrade P. on January 29, 2016, 08:32:19 am
-70°C: Siberian people are moving to Moscow.
As a descendant of siberian family whose member moved to Moscow, I take offence to that. My gran moved to Moscow to get finer education, not because it was mildly chilly outside.
Post by: Helgoland on January 29, 2016, 08:59:27 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 29, 2016, 09:02:56 am
Post by: hector13 on January 29, 2016, 09:43:14 am
-10°C: Scotsmen turn the heat on in their houses.
Can confirm. Weather here was around 1oF (don't know what that is in C, I don't like F) the other day, I had to turn the heat on to 68oF, much to the delight of my partially frozen wife.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on January 29, 2016, 09:44:54 am
Post by: hector13 on January 29, 2016, 09:46:34 am
Then again, I utterly loath Summer...
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on January 29, 2016, 10:24:35 pm
My cousin's mom passed away when he was little, leaving my uncle to raise a kid all on his own (which he was not at all prepared for). The two argued all the time and when my cousin turned 18, he just took off. Like, fell off the face of the earth for several years. No one knew where he was, we just assume he was wandering around the country.
When he left, my uncle realized that he'd been a shitty parent and started trying to get his life in order. He quit drinking, when to a therapist, and eventually became the person I think he would have been all along if his wife hadn't passed. After a couple years, he met this woman named Carrie. He immediately fell in love with her and the two married about a year after they started dating. I was never really a fan of her, but hey, if she was making him happy, then who am I to judge?
So it's been about six years since my cousin took off, and out of nowhere he calls my uncle. The two meet up and after some heartfelt apologies and manly tears, they hug it out. My cousin, who's been god knows where, moves back in with his dad and new stepmom. Things seemed to be going really well, until she starts acting weird around my my uncle. He feels like something's up, but really wants to make it work.
We were on the phone the other day and he's just distraught so I asked him what happened. Eventually he's telling me that she's been having an affair, and the fucked up part is it's with my cousin. Stunned, I asked him how he found out.
Through the tears he says "I left work early to surprise her, but that's when I walked in the house and saw CARRIE ON MY WAYWARD SONNNNNNNNNNNN"
Post by: Tawa on January 29, 2016, 10:31:24 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on January 29, 2016, 10:33:09 pm
Post by: a1s on January 29, 2016, 10:44:31 pm
Arthur Nayme, known to his friends as "Chinese" due to being the only Asian in his social circle, disappeared last week.I really don't get this one...
Today, a murder was committed. The suspect, Joel Stevens, was apprehended on the spot. The victim was kidnapped, tortured, and later had his heart cut out with a spoon. The police took fingerprints and found the victim to be one "Hao Long". The suspect, when questioned, said he didn't know anybody named Hao Long, but refused to state his victim's name.
The head detective, while flipping through the reports on Stevens' friends, found a photo eerily similar to Hao Long's. The name? Arthur Nayme.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on January 29, 2016, 10:47:05 pm
Arthur Nayme, known to his friends as "Chinese" due to being the only Asian in his social circle, disappeared last week.You might have missed the spoiler then.
Today, a murder was committed. The suspect, Joel Stevens, was apprehended on the spot. The victim was kidnapped, tortured, and later had his heart cut out with a spoon. The police took fingerprints and found the victim to be one "Hao Long". The suspect, when questioned, said he didn't know anybody named Hao Long, but refused to state his victim's name.
The head detective, while flipping through the reports on Stevens' friends, found a photo eerily similar to Hao Long's. The name? Arthur Nayme.
I really don't get this one...
Post by: Bohandas on February 02, 2016, 03:06:44 am
A. The LSD Church
Post by: Insanegame27 on February 02, 2016, 03:19:30 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BlackFlyme on February 03, 2016, 06:31:08 pm
You can't really tell; although when I leave the house I go out the window.
Post by: hector13 on February 03, 2016, 06:35:47 pm
Did you know I was cesarean born?
You can't really tell; although when I leave the house Igo out the window.cut a hole in the wall.
FTFY
Post by: Bohandas on February 03, 2016, 08:06:45 pm
Post by: Bumber on February 06, 2016, 07:02:42 pm
Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
He wanted a meatier shower.
Post by: TheDarkStar on February 06, 2016, 08:29:27 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on February 06, 2016, 08:50:14 pm
Nice one!
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 06, 2016, 08:59:23 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on February 06, 2016, 09:13:35 pm
Post by: Insanegame27 on February 07, 2016, 02:59:01 am
Post by: Bohandas on February 07, 2016, 03:01:43 am
A.) The North Pole.
Post by: Egan_BW on February 07, 2016, 03:10:20 am
Post by: Amperzand on February 07, 2016, 03:53:38 am
A.) Santa's Penis.
Ah, but you cannot be certain he does not possess the dexterity to install a lightbulb with it.
Post by: Orange Wizard on February 07, 2016, 04:23:13 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on February 07, 2016, 05:42:40 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on February 07, 2016, 11:55:51 am
Post by: Comrade P. on February 16, 2016, 12:09:23 pm
On the first floor, there was a big family from Libya - they didn't make it.
On the second floor there was a bigger yet family from Syria - they didn't make it.
On the third floor there was an enormously oversized family from Somali - they didn't make it.
On the fourth floor, there was a German family, but none of them were hurt in a fire.
Spoiler: How come they weren't hurt? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kot on February 16, 2016, 12:21:41 pm
Post by: a1s on February 16, 2016, 03:19:57 pm
Spoiler: What's the difference between a black and an extra large pizza? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Have you heard of Schrodinger's immigrants? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: I painted my PC black, hoping it would run faster (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: What do you call a Syrian flying a plane? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on February 16, 2016, 04:14:31 pm
FTFY.Spoiler: What do you call a Syrian flying a plane? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Baffler on February 16, 2016, 04:15:39 pm
Oh, are we doing racism jokes?Spoiler: I painted my PC black, hoping it would run faster (click to show/hide)
Is this a new racist joke? I never thought I'd see the day...
Post by: Descan on February 16, 2016, 04:49:13 pm
Post by: scrdest on February 16, 2016, 05:07:15 pm
It's a non-PC joke, I'll give it that.Oh, are we doing racism jokes?Spoiler: I painted my PC black, hoping it would run faster (click to show/hide)
Is this a new racist joke? I never thought I'd see the day...
Post by: a1s on February 16, 2016, 05:45:05 pm
I wish.Oh, are we doing racism jokes?Spoiler: I painted my PC black, hoping it would run faster (click to show/hide)
Is this a new racist joke?
I painted my pc black because I thought it would run faster, but it just stopped working :c
Post by: Tack on February 17, 2016, 09:25:12 am
Kudos regardless.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on February 20, 2016, 10:24:32 am
What is the space and time equlavient on a computer?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ai(inser capital in i) (are) Wee(-)ish.I wish.Oh, are we doing racism jokes?Spoiler: I painted my PC black, hoping it would run faster (click to show/hide)
Is this a new racist joke?
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on February 20, 2016, 03:06:42 pm
Oh, compjokes. I like thatCongrats, you're in the right thread; these are some really shitty jokes.
What is the space and time equlavient on a computer?What will a robotic metal grinder say to a really hard thing?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: H4zardZ1 on February 20, 2016, 10:54:26 pm
Why someone inserts a steak into a CPU?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What can makes you fly like you have a wing?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What is a form that a shapeshifter cannot imimate?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on February 20, 2016, 11:16:17 pm
Post by: hector13 on February 21, 2016, 01:24:30 am
In Soviet Russia, punning can't resist you!
Quote from: punning
You're so dreamy, TheBiggerFish, you'd make such a catch. You haddock me at "Soviet". Do you know a good plaice for our first date? I think we might be sole mates!
Whale, I think that's enough for now. If you want to keep in touch, just let minnow.
Post by: IcyTea31 on February 21, 2016, 01:30:15 am
Post by: Insanegame27 on February 21, 2016, 02:11:43 am
FTFYIn Soviet Russia, punning can't resist you!Quote from: punningYou're so dreamy, TheBiggerFish, you'd make such a catch. You haddock me at "Soviet". Do you know a good plaice for our first date? I think we might be SILO mates!
Whale, I think that's enough for now. If you want to keep in touch, just let minnow.
With love, From Russia,
Dr No.
Post by: hector13 on February 21, 2016, 03:11:13 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on February 23, 2016, 05:10:32 am
If the taint is broke, fix it 'til it is. You broke it moreOn how it was broke, i don't think you need to break it more.
...Grammar error=death/pun
Post by: Helgoland on February 23, 2016, 07:43:24 am
Anyway, I always say that I like my enemies like I like my zoophiles.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on February 23, 2016, 07:26:31 pm
Post by: Amperzand on February 25, 2016, 01:06:36 am
Post by: IcyTea31 on February 25, 2016, 01:47:44 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on February 25, 2016, 04:44:06 am
Post by: Sheb on February 25, 2016, 10:05:32 am
Would fish even have a usable orifice?
Depend on the fish, but the mouth should work fairly decently if it's not a specie that's too toothy.
Post by: Egan_BW on February 25, 2016, 10:12:44 am
Post by: Helgoland on February 25, 2016, 10:13:28 am
Post by: Eric Blank on February 25, 2016, 12:18:54 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on February 25, 2016, 10:48:07 pm
Oh God, imagine skull-fucking a moray eel - those pharyngeal jaws would be nasty...Aaaugh what have I done
*comets sudoku*
Post by: Zanzetkuken The Great on February 25, 2016, 11:12:57 pm
*comets sudoku*
Sigged.
Post by: Culise on February 25, 2016, 11:16:30 pm
What will a robotic metal grinder say to a really hard thing?Ooh, that reminds me. Real programmers don't take big bytes. They just nybble a bit.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT:
Oh God, imagine skull-fucking a moray eel - those pharyngeal jaws would be nasty...When of your dong you're divest, and it's left to digest, that's a moray.
Post by: hector13 on February 25, 2016, 11:37:56 pm
Wrong thread, that was funny.
Post by: scrdest on February 26, 2016, 05:56:00 am
Culise confirmed for William McGonagal.Oh God, imagine skull-fucking a moray eel - those pharyngeal jaws would be nasty...When of your dong you're divest, and it's left to digest, that's a moray.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on February 26, 2016, 08:10:24 am
Spoiler: Some dude reminds me of this joke. (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: I think i said this earlier, so if there is any, send the quote here (click to show/hide)
What do you call it when it is so dark that you can only see the light from the west?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 26, 2016, 08:13:06 am
What do you call it when it is so dark that you can only see the light from the west?Hey, this one is not bad, in a way.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on February 26, 2016, 09:23:03 am
In a field there was a coo.Culise confirmed for William McGonagal.Oh God, imagine skull-fucking a moray eel - those pharyngeal jaws would be nasty...When of your dong you're divest, and it's left to digest, that's a moray.
It must've moved, 'cause it's no' there noo.
Post by: Bumber on March 03, 2016, 06:43:30 pm
The Flintstones called. They want their joke back.
What's a programmer's favorite candy? A Push Pop.
I need T.P. for my Indians.
Post by: martinuzz on March 20, 2016, 05:26:06 pm
The shrink tells her not to worry, because all women are control freaks.
She then complains about being insecure.
The shrink tells her not to worry, because all women are insecure.
She tells him that she's not sure whether she's reassured or insulted by this.
The shrink says not to worry, because all women are indecisive.
Post by: IcyTea31 on March 20, 2016, 11:26:17 pm
Post by: hector13 on March 21, 2016, 09:32:31 am
So, uh...when are you going to give us the punchline?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on March 21, 2016, 09:48:24 am
So, uh...when are you going to give us the punchline?
I'm trying to make a joke about the punch line as a queue for a forced late abortion operation, but I can't arrange the words right. Have my idea and be creative.
Post by: a1s on March 21, 2016, 10:43:16 am
I'm trying to make a joke about the punch line as a queue for murder, but I can't arrange the words right. Have my idea and be creative.
How about "I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown, but was late to the punchline"?
Or here's a criminal prank (http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/battery): ask someone if they wanted to get in line to hear a joke. If they say "yes"- sucker punch them, saying "sorry, but this is the punch line".
Post by: Tawa on March 21, 2016, 06:04:22 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on March 27, 2016, 06:17:14 am
Post by: Antsan on March 27, 2016, 07:03:42 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 27, 2016, 07:15:29 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on March 27, 2016, 07:27:57 am
Yow should thynk abowt swappyng some letters wyth somethyng else.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on March 27, 2016, 10:18:30 am
Post by: Antsan on March 27, 2016, 10:50:04 am
Post by: IcyTea31 on March 27, 2016, 10:51:54 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on March 27, 2016, 11:17:15 am
Post by: hector13 on March 27, 2016, 11:19:55 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on March 27, 2016, 11:32:48 am
Some words are missing, figure it out.
Post by: Spehss _ on March 27, 2016, 11:42:48 am
Human brain is lazy, so long as the first and last letters of the word are in the correct spot, and there is the right number of letters, you'll read the word as it was intended. Substituting letters works on more or less the same basis, you just need to properly look at the words that don't have the right number of letters in them to figure out what they were.I don't think it's actually because of laziness. Human brains are good at pattern recognition. Written words are patterns of symbols. If the brain thinks it sees a pattern it can fill in missing details using past experience.
Let's take thys jawke a step hygher, and alsaw thynk awn haw these spelling jawks wawrk.Yee olde english, prior to formalized spelling, was written based on spelling out how words sounded. Sow difrint diuhlexts wood havuh difrint spellings.
Post by: Dirst on March 27, 2016, 12:33:26 pm
Post by: Tawa on March 27, 2016, 12:47:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
On what setting?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on March 27, 2016, 02:16:39 pm
I have to admit, that's a pretty damn sweet tatoo job. (http://imgur.com/gallery/2ZmsW)I want to make sure everyone understands that "Ban Anna for Scales" is an imgur in-joke, "Banana for scale," and that this didn't actually happen.
Post by: Antsan on March 27, 2016, 02:25:44 pm
Post by: Akura on March 27, 2016, 04:46:22 pm
I have to admit, that's a pretty damn sweet tatoo job. (http://imgur.com/gallery/2ZmsW)I want to make sure everyone understands that "Ban Anna for Scales" is an imgur in-joke, "Banana for scale," and that this didn't actually happen.
Hence why I put it here, and not the WTF or similar thread. Because if that actually happened, that'd be something to be upset about.
Post by: Descan on March 27, 2016, 04:59:51 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on March 27, 2016, 05:42:12 pm
You guys pronounce things weirdI have to admit, that's a pretty damn sweet tatoo job. (http://imgur.com/gallery/2ZmsW)I want to make sure everyone understands that "Ban Anna for Scales" is an imgur in-joke, "Banana for scale," and that this didn't actually happen.
Post by: Flying Dice on March 28, 2016, 11:20:49 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on March 29, 2016, 02:12:48 am
Post by: Tack on March 30, 2016, 08:07:47 am
Was just about gonna say this'n myself.I have to admit, that's a pretty damn sweet tatoo job. (http://imgur.com/gallery/2ZmsW)I want to make sure everyone understands that "Ban Anna for Scales" is an imgur in-joke, "Banana for scale," and that this didn't actually happen.
"Now, if you're just about done complaining?"A woman visits her shrink, and complains that she's a control freak.So, uh...when are you going to give us the punchline?
The shrink tells her not to worry, because all women are control freaks.
She then complains about being insecure.
The shrink tells her not to worry, because all women are insecure.
She tells him that she's not sure whether she's reassured or insulted by this.
The shrink says not to worry, because all women are indecisive.
Ho Ho free ticket to the sexism center.
Post by: Sergius on March 30, 2016, 11:16:52 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on March 31, 2016, 10:51:33 am
"Homer Plato Bacon".I get "Plato Bacon", but what does Homer have to do with it?
Post by: Tawa on March 31, 2016, 04:08:11 pm
Post by: Jopax on March 31, 2016, 04:51:08 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Graknorke on March 31, 2016, 04:55:58 pm
Quote
A vicar and his housekeeper have been having an affair. His vest was found in her pantry and her pants were found in his vestry!
Post by: Tomasque on April 06, 2016, 11:59:01 pm
What do call the Leaning Tower of Piza?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 07, 2016, 12:17:00 am
What do call the Leaning Tower of Pisa?I don't get it.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on April 07, 2016, 12:24:14 am
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on April 07, 2016, 01:25:38 am
Post by: hops on April 07, 2016, 02:18:36 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on April 07, 2016, 03:22:55 am
Heh heh. Say...Why do you call the Leaning Tower of Pizza?
What do call the Leaning Tower of Piza?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on April 07, 2016, 12:10:58 pm
Post by: Tomasque on April 10, 2016, 05:43:52 pm
Heh heh. Say...9/11 jokes aren't funny if people don't get them... :(
What do call the Leaning Tower of Piza?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tomasque on April 10, 2016, 05:46:05 pm
The newest Cyanide & Happiness (https://youtu.be/IanV3pubGdI) gives us a joke so obscure, I have to post it here. Really, it's terrible even if you do get it.Darkworld?
Post by: IcyTea31 on April 11, 2016, 01:18:00 am
Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on April 11, 2016, 01:21:45 am
Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
That is so obscure as to be a good answer on Pointless.
Post by: a1s on April 11, 2016, 06:55:26 am
Spoiler: Explaining the joke (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on April 11, 2016, 07:29:36 am
Also what's with the Out of Business sign?Maybe the door was too difficult to open and no customers could ever enter the store to browse?
Post by: hops on April 11, 2016, 08:09:07 am
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on April 11, 2016, 11:15:22 am
Post by: a1s on April 14, 2016, 03:12:24 am
Maybe it's just a shitty joke?That's what I'm thinking. C&H isn't exactly known for Allenesque level of intellectual in-jokes.
Post by: SquatchHammer on April 17, 2016, 04:52:43 pm
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 17, 2016, 05:48:42 pm
Person 2: No, my grandfather died at a prison camp in WW2.
Person 1: ... Sorry, dude.
Person 2: He got drunk and fell off the watchtower.
Post by: Helgoland on April 17, 2016, 05:55:13 pm
- My grandfather died in Buchenwald.
- Oh, he fell off the watchtower? Huehuehue
- No, you sick fuck - they gassed him because he hid a Jewish family in his attic!
- OhmyGodI'msosorryetcetc
- JK, he really did fall off the watchtower.
Anyway, here's an original one:
- Why are ghosts lonely?
- They have no body to talk to.
Post by: hector13 on April 17, 2016, 06:09:45 pm
Post by: Helgoland on April 17, 2016, 06:14:16 pm
Post by: a1s on April 18, 2016, 07:42:18 am
Spoiler: Did you know Mussolini was big proponent of bio-fuels? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: What did Walther Funk say when he was told Germany was running out of coal? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: How did Joseph Goebbels react to a delegation of artistic intellectuals? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on April 25, 2016, 08:58:24 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on April 25, 2016, 09:09:58 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on April 25, 2016, 09:49:17 pm
When the Church of the LDS was banned and dissolved, what did they call those who hunted its former members?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oddly funny. It's terrible only because there is some historical precedent.
Post by: Bumber on April 25, 2016, 10:10:27 pm
When the Church of the LDS was banned and dissolved, what did they call those who hunted its former members?When the Church of the LSD was banned and dissolved, what did they call those who hunted its former members?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on April 28, 2016, 06:24:37 am
If everything is well, that means everything is well hidden.
Post by: IcyTea31 on April 28, 2016, 06:45:22 am
Post by: a1s on April 28, 2016, 06:52:37 am
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on April 28, 2016, 08:28:47 am
Calling you lassie's private parts "the well" is a sure way to end up sleeping on the couch ;DI was unnerved for a second, but then I remembered which thread I was in.
Post by: Megawott06 on April 28, 2016, 10:19:07 am
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Hatch."
"Hatch who?"
"Bless you."
(You need to say it out loud to really get it.)
Post by: a1s on April 29, 2016, 03:37:01 pm
- Eho's there?
- Orange
- Orange who?
- Orange you glad I didn't say "Do you want 2 CDs"?
Post by: hector13 on April 29, 2016, 06:08:41 pm
Post by: a1s on April 30, 2016, 12:21:03 pm
Spoiler: What do you call a bunch of soldiers marching up and down the desert? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on April 30, 2016, 12:38:35 pm
Paranoid people Know.Ftfy
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 30, 2016, 08:45:39 pm
You lose, that made me laugh.Spoiler: What do you call a bunch of soldiers marching up and down the desert? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on April 30, 2016, 10:18:09 pm
Post by: hector13 on April 30, 2016, 10:19:46 pm
While older ones may be of use in the artillery and armored divisions, the proper place for most child soldiers is the infantry.
Also a failure for actually being funny.
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 30, 2016, 10:29:48 pm
While older ones may be of use in the artillery and armored divisions, the proper place for most child soldiers is the infantry.I'm sorry, but you fail your English test. You misspelt 'Navy'
Post by: Helgoland on April 30, 2016, 10:31:19 pm
Post by: Insanegame27 on April 30, 2016, 10:33:39 pm
Post by: Dirst on April 30, 2016, 10:40:39 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on April 30, 2016, 11:29:43 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on April 30, 2016, 11:31:32 pm
I thought you were referencing Girls und Panzer, an anime where little schoolgirls operate tanks. In response, I referenced Haifuri, an anime where schoolgirls operate warships.That was, in fact, a terrible joke.
Post by: Insanegame27 on May 01, 2016, 02:11:56 am
Your mom was a terrible joke!I thought you were referencing Girls und Panzer, an anime where little schoolgirls operate tanks. In response, I referenced Haifuri, an anime where schoolgirls operate warships.That was, in fact, a terrible joke.
...
That was a terrible joke
Post by: Eric Blank on May 01, 2016, 02:35:13 am
Post by: Reelya on May 01, 2016, 02:41:36 am
The word "infantry" is based on the French word for child, on the ludicrous logic that children follow directions and so do foot soldiers. What super-secret parenting method have the French been hiding all this time???
Traditional parenting, threat of violence.
But French Enfant for a young child is not the source of French Infanterie (the spelling should give that away). It came to French seperately via the Spanish, infantería which were low-ranked and inexperienced troops (unable to afford to join the cavalry). Both derive from the Latin for "youth". Basically they were units made up of young conscripts who had few means.
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/infantry
Post by: Tack on May 01, 2016, 02:16:38 pm
Post by: Madmachine on May 01, 2016, 03:51:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on May 01, 2016, 07:33:16 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on May 01, 2016, 08:17:03 pm
*Pun intended.
Post by: Tomasque on May 01, 2016, 09:03:48 pm
Post by: BlackFlyme on May 01, 2016, 09:14:16 pm
Saw in the newspaper today that people were furious about Pamela Anderson's new advertisements on public buses. They say it is too sexy for transit.
I don't think it's sexy.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on May 01, 2016, 09:23:00 pm
There you have it: Worst joke in the thread.
Post by: Tomasque on May 02, 2016, 01:13:33 am
After a while they just sort of grow on you.I didn't need the invisitext to catch the bad pun. I have an ear for those sort of things.
There you have it: Worst joke in the thread.
Post by: Arx on May 02, 2016, 02:48:04 am
((I just realized there are identical cat ear pictures in Egan's, Orange Wizard's and Helgoland's profile pics. What's up with that?))
Hehehe.
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on May 08, 2016, 11:39:27 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on May 08, 2016, 12:54:43 pm
A flight-of-fancy with a trashy ungulate.
Post by: hops on May 09, 2016, 01:24:47 am
Some say Toriel is one hot mama, but what does that make Genocide Toriel?What would Toriel change her last name to after she marries Sans?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tomasque on May 10, 2016, 12:26:34 am
Post by: Wozzy on May 10, 2016, 12:35:53 am
Spoiler: "What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?" (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on May 10, 2016, 01:40:50 am
The man in red runs to the driver and says: "I am the red man and a [homophobic slur]! This is a robbery! Give me all your booze and tobacco!"
With not much choice, the driver gives the man in red his beers and packet of cigarettes from his grocery bag and drives onwards. Soon, he sees a man dressed completely in yellow standing by the road waving at him. He stops the car, slightly anxious.
The man in yellow runs to the driver and says: "I am the yellow man and a [homophobic slur]! This is a robbery! Give me your wallet!"
With not much choice, the driver gives the man in yellow his wallet and drives onwards. Soon, he sees a man dressed completely in blue standing by the road waving at him. Frustrated, he stops the car and says: "Look, I know that you're the blue man and a [homophobic slur]. I already gave away my booze and tobacco and wallet and I don't have much left to give but you're not going to take my ass!"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: IcyTea31 on May 17, 2016, 08:22:08 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Grim Portent on May 17, 2016, 11:28:24 am
Yesterday, I saw this absolute thing of beauty across the hallway. My immediate thoughts were "I can't wait to be inside you" and "I'm gonna go down on you."Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This one's actually pretty good if you ask me. :P
Post by: Jopax on May 17, 2016, 12:32:50 pm
Obliging he gave her a cigarette and went to light it first, the lighter revealing their faces for the first time in the dark of the forest.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: pisskop on May 17, 2016, 12:41:24 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on May 18, 2016, 12:12:19 am
She took the whole thing very well.I hate you.
Post by: a1s on May 19, 2016, 03:36:30 pm
Quote
QuotePhysiologyQuoteSafetyQuotebelongingness (sic)QuoteSelf ActualizationEsteem
Post by: Bumber on May 20, 2016, 03:50:25 am
Mazlow's PyramidThat's hardly terrible or a joke. I guess it qualifies as a visual pun?
Post by: Orange Wizard on May 20, 2016, 04:14:10 am
Post by: a1s on May 20, 2016, 09:11:09 am
Visual puns are pretty terrible jokesding-ding-ding!
Visual puns are complete bullshit. But they are still one step above quote pyramids.
Post by: hops on May 20, 2016, 06:44:23 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on May 26, 2016, 02:36:53 pm
As he dejectedly strolls to the bar itself, the bartender notes that he's carrying a steel pet carrier with an eerie red glow in it, and a cardboard box that's playing a little music. The man sits down and puts the carrier and the box down in the barstools next to him.
The bartender is very confused, and asks, "uh... what'll... it... be?" The man responds "martini," and the bartender prepares him one.
After a couple minutes of awkward silence, the bartender asks, "so, uh, what's with th--", but the man cuts him off, raising a finger to tell him to wait. The man puts the pet carrier on the bar, and peering inside, the bartender sees a baby chicken that is completely on fire. It doesn't appear to realize anything is amiss. The man opens the box, revealing a small man, perhaps a foot tall, playing a small piano.
"I think the genie hated me."
Post by: hector13 on May 26, 2016, 02:43:24 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Joke failed though, it was funny.
Post by: spümpkin on May 27, 2016, 04:05:58 am
Spoiler: I saw the new X-Men movie today. (click to show/hide)
Here's some puns for y'all.
You're welcome.
Post by: Sheb on May 27, 2016, 08:24:40 am
Popeye nearly killed him.
Post by: Bumber on May 27, 2016, 03:51:46 pm
Post by: Xvareon on May 27, 2016, 09:57:57 pm
~ Professor Farnsworth, Futurama
Post by: Insanegame27 on May 31, 2016, 06:47:07 am
BAM, you're dead. BAM, I'm dead...
(meeting outside pearly gates/whatnot)
"Oh, hey."
-Demetri martin.
Post by: Bumber on May 31, 2016, 11:10:06 pm
Someone who commits a murder-suicide probably wasn't thinking through the afterlife.BAM, you're double dead. BAM, I'm double dead...
BAM, you're dead. BAM, I'm dead...
(meeting outside pearly gates/whatnot)
"Oh, hey."
-Demetri martin.
(meeting outside another gate)
"stahp, plz"
Post by: Tawa on June 01, 2016, 03:28:32 pm
One day, the cooks get to the restaurant in the morning and smell boiling oil. Fearing the worst, they run into the kitchen, and to their astonishment, Billy Joel is standing there, fiddling with the fryer. He's startled and bolts out the drive-in window before the cooks can catch him.
Later, the manager arrives and realizes what happened. When he questions the cooks as to why the deep-fryer was running for so long, they're forced to tell him, "We didn't start the fryer!"
Post by: Dirst on June 01, 2016, 03:35:20 pm
At a fast food restaurant, their ancient deep fryer uses a ridiculous amount of energy and the cheapskate manager can't afford a new one, so to save on power costs he insists that it's only turned on when it's absolutely necessary and deducts any additional power costs due to it from the fry cooks' pay.Quite terrible. Hope to never have to read that again. +1
One day, the cooks get to the restaurant in the morning and smell boiling oil. Fearing the worst, they run into the kitchen, and to their astonishment, Billy Joel is standing there, fiddling with the fryer. He's startled and bolts out the drive-in window before the cooks can catch him.
Later, the manager arrives and realizes what happened. When he questions the cooks as to why the deep-fryer was running for so long, they're forced to tell him, "We didn't start the fryer!"
Post by: origamiscienceguy on June 01, 2016, 06:46:17 pm
The moral of the story?
Only ewes can prevent forest friars.
Post by: Zanzetkuken The Great on June 01, 2016, 11:40:35 pm
Post by: IcyTea31 on June 02, 2016, 03:52:28 am
Back in world war one, the germans employed some friars from the black forest to cross the border and put curses on the french army. The nobody attacked them because they were unarmed and the effects of their curses were not felt until days later. When the french army finally realized that the friars were causing much of their problems, they researched their religion and found that the friars would not perform magic around female sheep, as they were sacred to them. So the french strategically placed the sheep on the border, stopping the friars from coming across and cursing the army.The version I've heard is about monks selling wildflowers on the Playboy Mansion's premises and getting thrown out: only Hugh can stop florist friars.
The moral of the story?
Only ewes can prevent forest friars.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on June 02, 2016, 08:42:15 am
Amazing Mace, how sweet the hound,
that saved a wrench for me!
Post by: hector13 on June 02, 2016, 09:04:16 am
Post by: Arx on June 04, 2016, 11:28:10 am
Post by: Akura on June 05, 2016, 12:20:03 pm
Quote from: Shamelessly stolen from a Youtube comment
Never take a cannibal to a theme park. They always throw up their arms.
Post by: SaberToothTiger on June 08, 2016, 02:28:33 pm
Not everyone has them.
/shitty_and_reused_joke
Post by: Jopax on June 08, 2016, 02:52:58 pm
Dark humor is like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Post by: martinuzz on June 09, 2016, 06:03:00 am
I'm sure it's terrible, so I'll just leave it here.
What is both an object of angry invocation, as well as a Japanese aphrodisiac?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on June 09, 2016, 06:53:54 am
Post by: hops on June 10, 2016, 03:57:08 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on June 10, 2016, 08:33:01 am
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on June 10, 2016, 03:30:37 pm
Bastion is a difficult, high-skill hero.
Post by: Twinwolf on June 10, 2016, 03:32:16 pm
Post by: KingofstarrySkies on June 10, 2016, 03:35:36 pm
Post by: Twinwolf on June 10, 2016, 03:36:18 pm
Post by: Flying Dice on June 14, 2016, 04:47:47 pm
*knock knock*
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 14, 2016, 05:25:20 pm
Post by: Flying Dice on June 14, 2016, 05:43:05 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 14, 2016, 06:23:20 pm
Spoiler: I've got it (click to show/hide)
Post by: Flying Dice on June 14, 2016, 06:32:15 pm
à la who?Have you forgotten what thread we're in? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMZmTz9mGgQ)Spoiler: I've got it (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on June 15, 2016, 10:00:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on June 15, 2016, 10:02:23 pm
What is a Muslim's favourite clothing brand?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This is clever, which normally makes a joke good, but it's also quite stupid.
You seem to have broken my joke judge-O-meter.
Post by: BlackHeartKabal on June 16, 2016, 08:53:40 pm
PLOT
PLOT
Post by: Bumber on June 17, 2016, 01:30:48 pm
(Joke-ception. We need to go deeper.)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on June 17, 2016, 01:35:51 pm
Post by: Antsan on June 17, 2016, 01:41:19 pm
Found the following on some site I already forgot.
An SQL query comes into a bar. It walks up to two tables and asks: "Hey, may I join you?"
Post by: BlackHeartKabal on June 17, 2016, 01:41:57 pm
I don't get any of these.
Found the following on some site I already forgot.
An SQL query comes into a bar. It walks up to two tables and asks: "Hey, may I join you?"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on June 17, 2016, 02:00:56 pm
I've been thinking about opening a second hand bombvest outlet. Come get it cheap, only been used once!What is a Muslim's favourite clothing brand?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This is clever, which normally makes a joke good, but it's also quite stupid.
You seem to have broken my joke judge-O-meter.
Post by: Insanegame27 on June 17, 2016, 06:47:43 pm
"Hey Jim, how's the new guy going?"
"Everywhere."
Post by: Tawa on June 17, 2016, 09:27:37 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BlackHeartKabal on June 17, 2016, 09:36:01 pm
Why did the vampire cross the road?DIO DIO DIOSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on June 20, 2016, 04:44:30 am
Meanwhile, the CIA found out and the first thing they said was:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Twinwolf on June 20, 2016, 05:47:24 am
Post by: Antsan on June 20, 2016, 05:55:51 am
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on June 21, 2016, 02:50:11 am
Post by: Insanegame27 on June 21, 2016, 03:31:41 am
Spoiler: lewd to the 50th degree (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on June 21, 2016, 05:20:56 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on June 21, 2016, 06:04:28 pm
Post by: hector13 on June 21, 2016, 06:10:38 pm
Post by: Insanegame27 on June 21, 2016, 08:05:44 pm
Post by: hector13 on June 26, 2016, 09:49:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why is the shamrock the symbol of Ireland?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do people drink champagne?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on July 03, 2016, 01:38:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 03, 2016, 05:18:35 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Comrade P. on July 04, 2016, 07:28:55 am
On what days of the week do African children get fed?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Weekend. BAM, be hungry no more, lil' black people.
Post by: Insanegame27 on July 04, 2016, 09:02:40 am
Spoiler: Biggest joke ever (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dirst on July 04, 2016, 12:53:01 pm
Spoiler: Biggest joke ever (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on July 11, 2016, 11:22:30 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on July 14, 2016, 06:44:51 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on July 14, 2016, 07:46:47 pm
Post by: Kot on July 14, 2016, 08:14:55 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on July 14, 2016, 10:24:18 pm
Post by: IcyTea31 on July 15, 2016, 12:37:36 am
A married couple got into a terrible accident where the wife's face burnt very badly. The doctor said she would need a skin graft, but she herself was too thin to be the donor. The husband immediately volunteered, but it turned out the only suitable skin he had was on his buttocks. He tentatively agreed to the operation, on the condition that nobody else would ever be told about it.
Fast forward a few months, and the wife is as beautiful as ever, garnering compliments left and right. She thanks her husband for all that he has done for her, wondering if she could ever repay him. He brushes it off, saying:
"Every kiss your mother gives you on the cheek is well enough for that."
Post by: martinuzz on July 16, 2016, 05:52:19 pm
Post by: IcyTea31 on July 24, 2016, 08:31:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 24, 2016, 09:24:52 am
Yesterday I watched my dad chop Onions. It made me cry.Waste not, want not.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on July 29, 2016, 02:39:42 am
Post by: Dirst on July 29, 2016, 09:44:38 am
Cooking tip: in order to prevent crying when cutting onions, avoid forming an emotional connection with them.Bad joke failure: Actually laughed.
Post by: Flying Dice on July 30, 2016, 07:01:16 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on August 01, 2016, 11:24:26 am
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: George_Chickens on August 01, 2016, 12:10:01 pm
Spoiler: Ethiopian Cuisine Jokes (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on August 01, 2016, 12:23:13 pm
Post by: Insanegame27 on August 01, 2016, 03:53:10 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Egan_BW on August 03, 2016, 09:47:48 pm
Why are mathematitians good movie directors?FIFYSpoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 04, 2016, 05:20:41 am
tit
Post by: IcyTea31 on August 04, 2016, 05:44:19 am
tit
Spoiler: Tit (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on August 04, 2016, 05:48:13 am
titSpoiler: Tit (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Bouncing tits (click to show/hide)
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 04, 2016, 06:11:14 am
Post by: Cryxis, Prince of Doom on August 04, 2016, 04:03:56 pm
Post by: hector13 on August 04, 2016, 04:36:19 pm
It is not enough when a woman asks if she looks fat to simply say,"no". You must act surprised by the question, jump back if you have to.
A friend of mine once, in his naive youth, was once asked this question. His reply was: "no, your fat makes you look fat."
Post by: George_Chickens on August 04, 2016, 04:37:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on August 06, 2016, 03:18:33 pm
I actually do understand it, but let's say I don't for the sake of the joke
Post by: IcyTea31 on August 06, 2016, 03:42:50 pm
I've been studying up on the categorical imperative, but I just kan't understand it.I was linked to Existential Comics today. On the site was a counter that wasn't there the last time I visited it: "[998] days without a Kant/can't pun". They were so close to a thousand, and you just had to go and break the combo. Nice job, Hero.
I actually do understand it, but let's say I don't for the sake of the joke
Post by: hops on August 07, 2016, 12:10:03 am
A rich man takes his son aside, saying "Son, you are growing up, and I am getting old and wants to retire. I know that you want to pursue higher education in mathematics, so here are two options I have for you:
First, I'll fund you exactly for your university fees, and you'll have to earn your own money for anything else.
Or, I'll take this chess board, for the first tile I'll put 1 cent on it, for the second 2 cent, for the third 4 cent, and so on to the last tile."
The son, doing the maths in his head, decided, "Of course I'll take the second option!"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on August 07, 2016, 01:45:02 am
Dear maths. I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems.
Post by: mainiac on August 07, 2016, 02:47:02 pm
Post by: Dirst on August 07, 2016, 03:30:55 pm
4*62 +3 = 251Easier to see as 1+2+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4=251
Post by: Tawa on August 07, 2016, 03:38:21 pm
FTFY4*62 +3 = 251Easier to see as 1+2+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4+4=251
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 08, 2016, 07:45:32 am
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 08, 2016, 07:54:30 am
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on August 08, 2016, 11:59:55 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
That's not even unfunny. (jokereference to "not even wrong")
Post by: Sebastian2203 on August 08, 2016, 12:38:43 pm
That's not even terrible anymore. What if I did this:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
That's not even unfunny. (jokereference to "not even wrong")
Please, I have no idea what the hell is the joke about and I do not understand it, never laughing at it, pondering for years.
Explain?
Post by: hector13 on August 08, 2016, 01:34:14 pm
While the chicken retains the anthropomorphic ability to reason, one would generally cross a road because they wanted to be on the opposite sidewalk, or "get to the other side".
Post by: Tack on August 08, 2016, 02:28:40 pm
Spoiler: arguing about religion, of course (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on August 08, 2016, 02:37:00 pm
Post by: Orange Wizard on August 09, 2016, 11:29:42 pm
Post by: Tack on August 09, 2016, 11:50:54 pm
Post by: hector13 on August 09, 2016, 11:57:37 pm
I think we like that 'round here.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on August 10, 2016, 01:28:30 am
Post by: Tawa on August 11, 2016, 05:33:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SaberToothTiger on August 15, 2016, 04:56:53 pm
This is an exceirpt from instructions given to American policemen:
If he walks across the road and look left and right before crossing, he's an arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road without looking around, he's an experienced arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road looking high up in the sky, he is a fanatical arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road with his eyes closed, he is a sleepwalker arab terrorist.
If he isn't crossing the road and isn't even out on the streets, he is an arab terrorist who called in sick.
---
American astronauts find a message scratched on a wall in the ISS, saying "obama sux". Russians claim this is a proof of intelligent extraterrestial life forms.
---
A police stops a driver on the road.
"Sir, do you know how close your car was to hitting that tree?"
"Officer, I apologize, I had a few before getting in the car."
"This is no excuse for letting your wife drive!"
---
Judas: The one I shall kiss is Jesus.
Romans: Couldn't you just point him out with a finger?
Judas: *applying lipstick* I don't tell you how to do your jobs.
---
Nurse: Doctor! We're losing the patient!
Docter: Don't worry, it's not a problem.
Nurse: What...? How is it not a problem!? The patient is departing!
Docter: When he returns, we'll just ask him to apologize.
---
In ancient Greece, two particular men lived. One borrowed from the other three Oboles before dying. He didn't give them back, and he was mean enough to ask to be buried with them. During the funeral, the loan giver said that he will sit at his foe's until he pays back his debt. He waited three days, and he waited three nights. On the fourth day an apparition appeared before him. It was his old "friend"!
B: I won't give you back the money, before you ask.
A: But why!?
B: I need it to pay Charon.
A: Charon charges only a single Obol!
B: Yeah, I paid him one on the first trip, I paid him one to get me here, and I'll give him the third on the return trip.
---
It's unwise - said the experience.
Just try - said the dreams.
Nine years in a penal colony and another nine spent as a colonist - said the judge.
---
Tell a woman she is beautiful a thousand times and she won't remember.
Tell her she is fat once, and she will remember it forever.
Ever wonder why elephants have such a good memory?
---
A British child shall take a sheet of paper and make a dapper paper airplane. A Japanese child will take the sheet of paper and make a beautiful and lifelike paper swan. A Chinese child shall take the sheet and make a cheap drone destined for the western market. An American child shall take sheet of paper and will hurt itself.
---
"Hello, FSB!? I have discovered a jewish conspiracy, it involves the rabbi in our local synagogue, he gathers the faithful in the temple cellar in the night..."
"Yeah, and they, uh, drink christian baby blood or sumthin'?"
"No, it's worse! They stuff themselves with bacon and oink out of pure, unadulterated pleasure!"
---
"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."
---
The seven stages of grief:
1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Negotiations.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptation.
6. Saturday.
7. Sunday.
---
"Doctor, my mother never remembers my name when I go and visit her."
"Alzheimer...?"
"For fuck's sake, it's Martin."
---
A politician comes to a mystic and asks her:
"Tell me about my future."
"You are driving in a big, black car without the roof. There is a huge crowd around, counting over two hundred thousand."
The politician smiles, and asks for more. The mystic continues:
"The people in the crowd are smiling, shouting, waving flags and are looking triumphant."
"They love me... Oh tell me, please, am I shaking hands with them!? Am I!?"
He asks, and the mystic simply replies:
"No, the coffin is closed."
Post by: hector13 on August 15, 2016, 05:08:54 pm
Post by: SaberToothTiger on August 15, 2016, 05:36:04 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 15, 2016, 06:48:44 pm
"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."
What's that effect called when you hear or experience something right after first learning about it in a seemingly unrelated manner?
I heard this very same joke just a week ago, from a guy I'm pretty sure is a non-English speaking not-Polish person, so it isn't you. Of course the likely explanation is that it was in some new media that you and the guy happened to consume at the same time, or that it's a psych glitch... Still, it's uncanny.
Post by: SaberToothTiger on August 16, 2016, 05:49:23 am
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 16, 2016, 06:18:15 am
Deja vu, possibly.Nah, it's when it actually did happen before. It's just seemingly improbable.
Post by: Tack on August 16, 2016, 07:20:02 am
Post by: RedWarrior0 on August 16, 2016, 08:59:24 am
Frequency illusion, also known as Baader Meinhof phenomenon?
"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."
What's that effect called when you hear or experience something right after first learning about it in a seemingly unrelated manner?
I heard this very same joke just a week ago, from a guy I'm pretty sure is a non-English speaking not-Polish person, so it isn't you. Of course the likely explanation is that it was in some new media that you and the guy happened to consume at the same time, or that it's a psych glitch... Still, it's uncanny.
Post by: hops on August 16, 2016, 10:42:50 am
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on August 16, 2016, 10:56:48 am
Frequency illusion, also known as Baader Meinhof phenomenon?
"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."
What's that effect called when you hear or experience something right after first learning about it in a seemingly unrelated manner?
I heard this very same joke just a week ago, from a guy I'm pretty sure is a non-English speaking not-Polish person, so it isn't you. Of course the likely explanation is that it was in some new media that you and the guy happened to consume at the same time, or that it's a psych glitch... Still, it's uncanny.
Blue Cars Effect?
Yes! Yes, both of those. Thank you.
Post by: Tawa on August 22, 2016, 01:56:16 pm
Suddenly, it catches on fire and begins kicking him. He tries to run away, but it gives chase and continues attacking. The man yells for help:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on August 22, 2016, 03:15:43 pm
Post by: Kot on August 22, 2016, 03:53:35 pm
Post by: crazysheep on August 22, 2016, 09:43:47 pm
I thought a q in pinyin was pronounced "ch". Ah well.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on August 26, 2016, 11:36:48 am
His mum decides to take him to the doctor, and smart kid that he is, he pops a few ice cubes in his mouth before he gets in the car.
Walks into the doctor's office, coughing and gasping and says he's got a chill. Doctor pulls out the thermometer and says "Alright, bend over"
Sure enough he gets caught, the mom gives him a smack and he has to go to school.
A few months later, the boy tries it again. He swaggers into the doctor's office, says he's got a chill. Doctor says "alright, open up"
Boy asks why the doctor isn't checking it the same place as last time.
Doctor says "You've been walking funny since you came through the door.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on August 26, 2016, 05:40:37 pm
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on August 26, 2016, 06:03:17 pm
You actually have heard it, but never made note of it. Once you noticed it, its commonality means that you hear it soon after.
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on September 07, 2016, 10:03:56 pm
say their name three times and they'll appear.
Post by: hector13 on September 07, 2016, 10:07:43 pm
Post by: origamiscienceguy on September 07, 2016, 11:47:01 pm
i begs to differ.
Post by: Yoink on September 08, 2016, 12:22:42 am
p. sure that joke's been made here before, but both it and its subject matter are still terrible.
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on September 13, 2016, 10:47:28 pm
(Seriously, stop snarking and do experiments)
Post by: hops on September 14, 2016, 04:47:12 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on September 14, 2016, 04:48:57 am
Post by: hops on September 14, 2016, 03:00:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on September 14, 2016, 05:10:24 pm
Made ya look.
Post by: Tack on September 14, 2016, 06:24:06 pm
Post by: hector13 on September 14, 2016, 06:27:22 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on September 14, 2016, 06:35:53 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on September 14, 2016, 07:51:59 pm
A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at a bus stop. What did the bus driver say when he stopped?Trick question. He didn't stop.
This caused him to run over the man's three-eyed dog. The bus driver was found dead the next morning with a hole in his forehead.
Extra-shitty twist: The bus driver was the man's son. Irrelevant: The dog was distantly related to Hitler's, because why not.
Post by: RedWarrior0 on September 17, 2016, 02:13:36 pm
A man with three eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at a bus stop. What did the bus driver say when he stopped?Trick question. He didn't stop.
This caused him to run over the man's three-eyed dog. The bus driver was found dead the next morning with a hole in his forehead.
Extra-shitty twist: The bus driver was the man's son. Irrelevant: The dog was distantly related to Hitler's, because why not.
If you set color=transparent it always works
Like this
Post by: Foxite on October 06, 2016, 10:52:37 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on October 06, 2016, 07:26:36 pm
How do you clear constipated lungs? Pulmonary enema.
What's the scientific classification for a homeless person? Hobo sapiens.
What formed after Lex Luthor got an injury? Lesion of doom.
Why did the band bring so many drummers to the concert? They wanted to take extra percussions.
What did the Imperial City guard say to the hard candy? "It's all over, jawbreaker!"
What was the exorcist's sales pitch when he became a car salesman? "The horsepower of Chrysler compels you!"
Why was the museum staff stressed after acquiring some Impressionist paintings? Mo' Monet, mo' problems.
Why was the bird so important? It was imparrotive.
Why did people hide in their homes when Classical musicians strolled through town? Too much violins on the streets.
(I'd been saving these for a while. All original, as far as I know.)
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 06, 2016, 11:20:52 pm
What did the Imperial City guard say to the hard candy? "It's all over, jawbreaker!"What about the tiny candy bear? "Stop right there, minimal gum!"
Post by: Bumber on October 06, 2016, 11:28:58 pm
What did the Imperial City guard say to the hard candy? "It's all over, jawbreaker!"What about the tiny candy bear? "Stop right there, minimal gum!"
(https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/medical-dentist-gum-chewing_gum-bubble_gum-gun_diseases-nfkn753_low.jpg)
Post by: hops on October 07, 2016, 05:27:04 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Empiricist on October 07, 2016, 05:39:31 am
Post by: SaberToothTiger on October 07, 2016, 07:54:10 am
If he wasn't, he would be Schweinhund.
Post by: Tawa on October 08, 2016, 06:49:21 pm
A week later, a man in an apartment building smells something rotting in the abandoned apartment next to his. He knocks, and when there is no response, he calls the police to come check it out. They break into the apartment and find a rotting corpse stashed inside.
A patrolman looks at the body and calls to the head detective, "Hey, you recognize this guy? Or do we have a John Doe in here?"
The detective, one of the lead officers on the mob boss disappearance case, comes over and is shocked to see that the victim was Ferrari himself.
Spoiler: So he says to his partner (click to show/hide)
Post by: Guardian G.I. on October 14, 2016, 05:19:52 pm
Santa Claus has elves, while Ded Moroz (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ded_Moroz) does not. Why?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on October 18, 2016, 09:00:29 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tack on October 19, 2016, 01:36:46 pm
The band doubled up on drummers as a percussionary measure.
Told that one to my roommate (though slightly different) and got punched.
Thank you 10/10 best terrible joke.
Post by: juicebox on October 19, 2016, 09:02:49 pm
6.022x10^23 guacs
Post by: Culise on October 19, 2016, 10:45:27 pm
Here's a bad chemistry joke for you: What is a guacamole made of?Do you know what we do with bad chemistry puns? We barium
6.022x10^23 guacs
Post by: Eric Blank on October 19, 2016, 11:22:50 pm
Post by: hector13 on October 19, 2016, 11:41:51 pm
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on October 19, 2016, 11:42:50 pm
Post by: Culise on October 20, 2016, 12:27:01 am
We barium.Plainly hiding my punchline in transparent text as well lead everyone astray. It's a little gallium, but I suppose that's nobody's bismuth but my own.
Puns aren't jokes, take 'em elsewhere. >:VWell, fine. If that's the way you want to play, then we argon. :P
Post by: Descan on October 20, 2016, 12:26:14 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 20, 2016, 01:58:41 pm
Post by: Tack on October 20, 2016, 03:11:51 pm
I mean, ferris a time and place, sure.
You are a true master. I am humbled.We barium.Plainly hiding my punchline in transparent text as well lead everyone astray. It's a little gallium, but I suppose that's nobody's bismuth but my own.Puns aren't jokes, take 'em elsewhere. >:VWell, fine. If that's the way you want to play, then we argon. :P
Post by: Reelya on October 20, 2016, 03:16:06 pm
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 23, 2016, 01:39:54 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on October 23, 2016, 12:37:40 pm
Post by: Bumber on October 24, 2016, 09:44:21 pm
Post by: Tomasque on October 24, 2016, 10:14:50 pm
You Brexit, you buys it!Damn. That's a pun wrapped in irony wrapped in bacon.
Post by: Starver on November 01, 2016, 06:22:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on November 06, 2016, 06:33:00 am
"Whaddaya mean sexual harassment lawsuit? I only asked the lady if I could drive my truck into her garage and fill her up?"
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 12, 2016, 01:12:06 am
Post by: SalmonGod on November 12, 2016, 03:23:00 am
Post by: Sheb on November 12, 2016, 10:35:44 am
How do you know you just met a Byzantine Catholics?
..
He will yell you. Three times.
Post by: Helgoland on November 12, 2016, 10:02:44 pm
Post by: martinuzz on November 14, 2016, 08:18:31 am
Do explain.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOrgLj9lOwk
Post by: Sergius on November 21, 2016, 10:20:07 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Culise on November 21, 2016, 11:13:35 am
How do Reavers clean their harpoons?What's the difference between a panda and a Reaver?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: MrRoboto75 on November 21, 2016, 01:11:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: tonnot98 on November 21, 2016, 02:17:56 pm
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?Beautiful.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What's black and blue and red all over?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on November 21, 2016, 04:25:07 pm
Idiots. A panda eats roots and leaves.How do Reavers clean their harpoons?What's the difference between a panda and a Reaver?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sergius on November 21, 2016, 06:45:07 pm
Post by: Culise on November 21, 2016, 07:28:50 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(EDIT: Typo)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on November 21, 2016, 09:35:15 pm
Aye. It's also a riff on an even older joke about a panda that walks into a resturaunt and orders the finest meal on the menu. It finishes its meal quietly, then without warning, whips out a machine gun and guns down one of the regulars. As it walks out, the server asks it what the heck it thinks it was doing. In response, it simply pulls out a placard from the local zoo...They made a book on that one.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
(EDIT: Typo)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on November 22, 2016, 04:25:36 am
Post by: Bumber on November 22, 2016, 11:33:15 pm
Under a certain interpretation of "roots", that could be quite terrifying.Square roots?
Eats routes and Leif's?
Post by: TheDarkStar on November 23, 2016, 03:02:32 am
Under a certain interpretation of "roots", that could be quite terrifying.Square roots?
Eats routes and Leif's?
Teeth roots ;)
Post by: Arx on November 23, 2016, 04:24:27 am
Lukewarm.
Blatantly stolen from someone on a T90 stream. :P
Post by: Starver on November 24, 2016, 09:44:00 am
Under a certain interpretation of "roots", that could be quite terrifying.Square roots?
Eats routes and Leif's?
Teeth roots ;)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How hot is the inside of a Tauntaun?Tweeting that you're piloting though an asteroid field, with the odds of success being approximately 3,720 to 1?
Lukewarm.
Blatantly stolen from someone on a T90 stream. :P
@Han's #YOLO...
(Blatantly made up on the spot, but in certain knowledge that someone(s) else will have done it before and probably better...)
Post by: hector13 on November 24, 2016, 10:19:09 am
Post by: hops on November 29, 2016, 08:00:05 am
"Yes."
Post by: IcyTea31 on November 29, 2016, 10:21:56 am
- A cake: claimant wasn't exceptional enough to take it.
- A bolt: claimant was completely nuts.
- A dropped hat: claimant appeared suspiciously soon at the office.
- A depressed crocodile: claimant wasn't actually sad about losing their alleged pet.
- A barrel of fish: claimant drew a firearm and was subsequently removed from premises.
- A wild goose: claimant didn't actually exist.
- A severed foot: claimant didn't have a leg to stand on.
Post by: Insanegame27 on November 30, 2016, 05:44:05 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on November 30, 2016, 06:40:44 pm
90% of people are gullible enough to believe this statistic
3/2 of people are bad at fractions.
1/2 of people cant spel
2/9 of people have so bad grammar they dont right things good
and of course, 9/10 doctors agree that 25% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Post by: Starver on November 30, 2016, 07:25:33 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on December 01, 2016, 02:38:09 am
1 in 10 jokes about binary aren't funny. The other 0.1 are.
Out of the 10 kinds of people in the world, 1 doesn't know binary, 1 knows binary and gets the joke
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 01, 2016, 04:28:36 am
There are 2 kinds of people in this world: Those who extrapolate from incomplete data
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on December 01, 2016, 08:57:15 am
Post by: Comrade P. on December 01, 2016, 09:04:00 am
I've got four-twenties-ten-and-nine problems, and the way French numerals work is one of them.
Word, brotha.
Post by: Tack on December 01, 2016, 09:10:55 am
Post by: Starver on December 01, 2016, 09:34:07 am
I've got four-twenties-ten-and-nine problems, and the way French numerals work is one of them.I've got middle-finger other-shoulder problems, and the Oksapmin counting system (https://austronesiancounting.wordpress.com/2007/09/09/numbers-this-little-piggy-finger-tallying/) may be one...
Post by: x2yzh9 on December 01, 2016, 03:50:45 pm
He raises both of his middle fingers
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on December 01, 2016, 07:16:39 pm
Post by: Tawa on December 05, 2016, 06:54:21 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on December 07, 2016, 09:41:22 am
What did the socialist feminists say?13:34 <TemmieAcc>: NO SOCIALISM
13:34 <TemmieAcc>: WHORE CAPITALISM IS THE WAY
13:34 <TemmieAcc>: ACCUMULATE CAPITAL THROUGH BOW CHIKA WOW WOW
13:35 <TemmieAcc>: BUILD ENTERPRISESpoiler: the battle between capitalism and communism (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on December 11, 2016, 12:39:49 pm
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/67/02/20/670220426c49d344b947931efdba50af.jpg)
(My Google-fu is apparently terrible. Turns out it was a frikken XKCD. (http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/us_state_names.png) How the heck does that not show up in "us states mislabeled joke"? Ended up manually scrolling through 50 pages of Helgoland's thread.)
Post by: AzyWng on December 11, 2016, 05:49:20 pm
What do you call two crows on a branch?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on December 11, 2016, 09:16:32 pm
The drink machine "Buddy" from Fallout 4 provides this one:
What do you call two crows on a branch?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I was as close to ROFLing as I've ever been... Does not belong in thos thread.
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on December 11, 2016, 10:41:49 pm
Post by: Bumber on December 12, 2016, 09:08:39 pm
The drink machine "Buddy" from Fallout 4 provides this one:I don't get it. Why is it "attempted"?
What do you call two crows on a branch?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Post by: hector13 on December 12, 2016, 09:15:54 pm
See that's a terrible joke.The drink machine "Buddy" from Fallout 4 provides this one:I don't get it. Why is it "attempted"?
What do you call two crows on a branch?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's attempted 'cause it's not quite a group yet.
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 12, 2016, 09:45:03 pm
It's a group of twoSee that's a terrible joke.The drink machine "Buddy" from Fallout 4 provides this one:I don't get it. Why is it "attempted"?
What do you call two crows on a branch?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's attempted 'cause it's not quite a group yet.
Post by: hector13 on December 12, 2016, 10:00:54 pm
The only time you would call a pair of anything a group is when someone tells you that you would never call a pair of anything a group.It's a group of twoSee that's a terrible joke.The drink machine "Buddy" from Fallout 4 provides this one:I don't get it. Why is it "attempted"?
What do you call two crows on a branch?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's attempted 'cause it's not quite a group yet.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on December 13, 2016, 01:58:38 am
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on December 13, 2016, 02:00:12 am
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?action=profile
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on December 13, 2016, 02:01:17 am
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=119347.0More like
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?action=profile
This whole place is one big joke. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=119347.0)
And this guy, nobody even takes him seriously. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?action=profile)
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on December 13, 2016, 02:04:14 am
And this guy, nobody even takes him seriously. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?action=profile)Indeed. Is there a list of benign http hacks like that somewhere?
Post by: Eric Blank on December 13, 2016, 02:04:24 am
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on December 13, 2016, 02:05:58 am
Its true, nobody takes me seriously. Which when youre joking about stabbing people in the ass is a good thing.Freudian?
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on December 13, 2016, 02:06:09 am
Its true, nobody takes me seriously. Which when youre joking about stabbing people in the ass is a good thing.do you think he gets it, or not
Post by: BorkBorkGoesTheCode on December 13, 2016, 02:24:02 am
Post by: Tack on December 13, 2016, 05:17:26 am
What do you call two crows on a branch?Three crows harassing a wandering sparrow?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Post by: martinuzz on December 13, 2016, 06:57:15 am
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Post by: TD1 on December 13, 2016, 11:45:17 am
"Hey, did you pay to watch Game of Thrones?"
Me:
"I paid the Iron Price."
Post by: Fniff on December 13, 2016, 11:47:02 am
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Post by: Bumber on December 13, 2016, 06:32:28 pm
Nah, groups of 2 make perfect sense. So does a group of 1, but that's rather trivial.What about a group of 0?
We are now contemplating murder.
Post by: Egan_BW on December 13, 2016, 08:14:02 pm
Post by: Starver on December 13, 2016, 08:31:07 pm
Post by: Starver on December 13, 2016, 09:38:13 pm
Unfortunately not. Every group needs an identity; can't really have one of those if there's no one in your group."Many possible properties of sets are trivially true for the empty set." (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empty_set)
A group of zero crows can be considered a perfectly valid member of the set of all sets that contain any natural number of crows. It can also be considered a member of the set of all sets that contain a natural number of blue whales but no crows at all.
Post by: Insanegame27 on December 13, 2016, 09:56:00 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 13, 2016, 10:16:57 pm
Post by: Starver on December 13, 2016, 10:36:01 pm
and every element in the set under the operation has an associated inverse who, when paired under said operation, yield the identity.In an additive group, the identity of the group is zero, and a zero element has itself as its own inverse... :P
But I consider this as the proverbial frog joke. We have dissected it. Perhaps we now understand more about how it is put together. But it's definitely dead, now.
Post by: RedWarrior0 on December 16, 2016, 09:47:09 pm
What about the field of dreams?
Could we find a (not excessively contrived) class of rings such that there are exactly five such nonisomorphic rings and call them golden? I mean, there's probably an encoding of a platonic solid as a ring, but those would probably just be platonic rings.
Is there a meaningful way to make Borromean rings? What about wedding rings, and the related engagement rings?
Post by: Descan on December 16, 2016, 10:48:55 pm
:U
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on December 16, 2016, 11:04:44 pm
Post by: Culise on December 17, 2016, 12:40:08 am
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Post by: Descan on December 17, 2016, 01:10:08 am
fuggin' nerds
i love you tho
no homo
Post by: Parsely on December 17, 2016, 01:15:19 am
Post by: Sheb on December 17, 2016, 07:00:15 am
Do explain.
A lot of things, like crossing oneself, is done three time in the Byzantine rite.
Post by: Helgoland on December 17, 2016, 08:13:11 pm
How about 'Uptoupon is a core concept in Topology'?An old one, but still probably worth throwing in given the present direction of conversation: What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Is it bad that I laughed at this? Without needing to look it up?
One should probably find a proper word to fit in there though...
Post by: RedWarrior0 on December 18, 2016, 09:03:06 pm
Post by: martinuzz on December 19, 2016, 03:35:20 am
Post by: scrdest on December 19, 2016, 07:09:34 am
This is not the mathematics help threadEasy mistake though. :P
Post by: Starver on December 19, 2016, 08:10:06 am
The (American) Indian Chief's daughter was to be wed, and the three suitors, two of them brothers, were sent away to bring back animal skins to show how worthy they were.
The first suitor goes to the prairie and quickly returns with a buffalo skin, which was deemed an easy but practical gift in the days before the white man. The second suitor, his brother, travels beyond the mountains to the north and after a while brings back the fur of a large white bear from the land of eternal ice, somewhat a novelty to the tribe and seen only rarely. The third suitor takes his canoe and crosses the great waters to the east, arriving back some time later with the large grey skin of a hippo, an exotic beast that none of the tribe had ever seen before, and knew only from the tales that the occasional norsemen passed on from their dealings with yet other traders.
By tradition, the value of each is estimated by the women of the tribe. Three decide they appreciate the buffalo skin for its practical utility, and common knowledge on how to use it in. Four admire the white fur from the north for its outstanding warming qualities and would like to try to make something ceremonial from it. Five of them, however, are astounded at the the novelty and waterproofed thickness of the latter, and the large area available that promises to inspire a number of possible uses, possibly including rainwear, tents or even boating.
It seeming the latter is to be the obvious winner, the first suitor decides to gift his haul to his brother to increase his claim, and a recount is made. But by tribal custom the women have a chance to decide again if the gifts are changed, and it seems likely that one of them disliked the merging of the lesser gifts as there are now six votes upon the latter one. This leaves the chief in a quandary as to the greater worthiness, the recount showing that all the squaw for the hippopotamus is now exactly equalled by the sum of the squaws for the other two hides...
Post by: RedWarrior0 on December 19, 2016, 01:22:28 pm
This is not the mathematics help threadIt was a joke. 8 gets turned sideway, so the Z gets turned sideways as well.
Also, the second half of the statement works if you have loose morals, squint, and are willing to let jokes prevail over rigor
Post by: Tawa on January 09, 2017, 08:50:42 pm
Rushing into the room, Juan sees Carlos lying on the floor, a set of weights near his head. A window is horrendously shattered, and Jack is nowhere to be seen. Juan rushes over to Carlos to see if he's alive. It's a gruesome sight; a heavy-looking black cylinder marked "1kg" is covered in blood, and Carlos's head is visibly dented.
Juan says, "Carlos! Carlos, are you OK?!"
Carlos, miraculously having a bit of life left in him, responds, very groggily, "Carlos... the deal went bad... he got me good..."
A moment passes. "I don't have much... time left... I need you to do one thing for me... after I'm gone..."
Juan, on the verge of tears, says "Wh... what is it, Carlos?"
Carlos coughs a little, and says back,
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Post by: Insanegame27 on January 10, 2017, 06:02:53 am
Why couldn't the dinosaur get a job as a cop? Every case was out of his Jurassiction.
He made a good detective though. He -saur everything.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on January 10, 2017, 07:12:49 am
One I (hope) I invented.Argh
Why couldn't the dinosaur get a job as a cop? Every case was out of his Jurassiction.
He made a good detective though. He -saur everything.
Here's your coat, pls leave
What do you mean this is not your coat
Heck, take all of them, just go
/me rolls Insanegame into a ball of coats and rolls the ball out the door
Post by: Insanegame27 on January 10, 2017, 08:10:20 am
Post by: tonnot98 on January 10, 2017, 10:12:45 am
Smoke.
Post by: Reelya on January 10, 2017, 11:09:35 am
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Post by: Helgoland on January 10, 2017, 08:21:34 pm
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"
Post by: Starver on January 11, 2017, 01:02:16 am
In days of yore, messages from the telegraph were printed out on tickertape, torn into shorter strips and stuck onto card to be delivered to the recipient. Being labour-intensive, they made a new machine that would collate several multiplexed lines of a message across a wider tape and then guillotine the required length off for delivery with an angled cutting blade. And thus was created the Parallelogram.
Post by: origamiscienceguy on January 11, 2017, 06:38:51 pm
Why shouldn't you buy a used car from a dinosaur?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
They get into Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Post by: a1s on January 14, 2017, 12:21:17 pm
Did you hear the joke about the witch's broom?Why shouldn't you buy a used car from a dinosaur?They get into Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
It's sweeping the nation!
Post by: Tawa on January 14, 2017, 12:37:44 pm
Spoiler: Pokémon Sun & Moon spoilers (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheDarkStar on January 14, 2017, 03:17:51 pm
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Post by: martinuzz on January 14, 2017, 05:25:42 pm
What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?No clue. But with proper funding, I'm sure we can get to the bottom of it
Post by: AzyWng on January 14, 2017, 05:44:08 pm
I sea what you did there, but there's really no need to start digging up dirt on his jokes!What do you get if you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?No clue. But with proper funding, I'm sure we can get to the bottom of it
Post by: TD1 on January 14, 2017, 06:05:32 pm
Post by: Rose on January 14, 2017, 09:51:17 pm
A hickory dickory dock.
Post by: hector13 on January 16, 2017, 11:16:54 pm
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An elderly gentleman walks into a Scottish bakery. His eyesight isn't the greatest, so he points to one of the baker's wares.
"Is that a donut or a meringue?"
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Post by: milo christiansen on January 17, 2017, 01:34:18 pm
"What is the difference between a bisexual prostitute and a lawer?"
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Post by: Tack on January 20, 2017, 01:48:56 am
The world goes crazy over the new formula, and people are already proposing ideas in how it can be used to offset ethanol in modern petrol.
However the petrol companies decide they hate this, and hire famous martial artist and actor Jet Li to sneak into the R&D lab in order to steal the formula.
Sadly, security is too tight, and he's forced to withdraw.
The next day's headline:
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Post by: hector13 on January 20, 2017, 01:50:32 am
Perfect for the thread, then.
Post by: Culise on January 23, 2017, 08:27:18 pm
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Post by: Tawa on January 23, 2017, 08:57:32 pm
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Post by: MrRoboto75 on January 24, 2017, 02:43:10 am
Post by: Twinwolf on January 24, 2017, 03:56:02 pm
The cake is an alternate factWhy is this in the terrible jokes thread? It's great :P
Post by: Egan_BW on January 24, 2017, 07:28:25 pm
The cake is an alternate factHoly shit genius.
Post by: Tawa on January 25, 2017, 11:00:43 pm
Why did the Mongols never get angry?
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For physicists, the opposite of matter is antimatter. But for artists, the opposite of matter is a place in England. Where?
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Post by: hector13 on January 25, 2017, 11:04:10 pm
Post by: Tawa on January 25, 2017, 11:10:49 pm
Post by: Haspen on February 03, 2017, 06:01:07 pm
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Post by: martinuzz on February 05, 2017, 03:26:58 am
What is the name of the most funny Roman?can't beat https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPGb4STRfKwSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on February 05, 2017, 03:52:55 am
"So, whatcha hear, pal?"
"Stagecoach come this way half hour ago."
"Shucks! How d'ya figure that?"
"Broke my neck."
Post by: Starver on February 05, 2017, 06:40:39 am
A cowboy comes across an American Indian with his ear pressed to the surface of a road.
"So, whatcha hear, pal?"
"Stagecoach come this way half hour ago."
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Quote
"Shucks! How d'ya figure that?"
"Broke my neck."
Post by: Tomasque on February 05, 2017, 04:46:49 pm
EDIT: Also, this post was meant to be funny, but it isn't. Is that good?
Post by: Flying Dice on February 06, 2017, 05:32:21 pm
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Post by: Jopax on February 10, 2017, 11:25:25 am
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Post by: Avis-Mergulus on February 10, 2017, 11:29:53 am
There are two kinds of chicks, by body type:I am sorry but as an ext4 i find this incredibly offensiveSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Culise on February 10, 2017, 12:19:34 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on February 10, 2017, 05:39:58 pm
Post by: redwallzyl on February 10, 2017, 11:42:53 pm
Quote
I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year. It promises to be as big as the last two put together!
Post by: TheBiggerFish on February 14, 2017, 10:27:02 am
shamelessly stolen from a paradox devs twitter.No, that's funny.QuoteI'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year. It promises to be as big as the last two put together!
Post by: Tack on February 17, 2017, 10:11:37 am
Post by: Eric Blank on February 17, 2017, 01:34:29 pm
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Post by: AzyWng on February 18, 2017, 08:24:47 pm
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What should a shotgun user do when thinking up a plan of attack?
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And, finally, what is the one factor all gunmen must take into account before fighting?
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Post by: Rose on February 18, 2017, 10:51:53 pm
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Post by: a1s on February 19, 2017, 06:05:12 am
What happens when a shotgun user panics in the final seconds of a match?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
And, finally, what is the one factor all gunmen must take into account before fighting?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I was watching an old episode of Knightmare and came across this gem.I understood none of these. halp?
Why did the dragon cross the road?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: AzyWng on February 19, 2017, 12:43:13 pm
Athletes are also known to freeze up, or "choke", in tense situations, like near the end of a match. The same thing could very well happen in eSports or similar (and probably already has).
The caliber is a measure used to determine the size of a bullet - the diameter of the bulllet, specifically.
Caliber also a word used to describe someone's ability/quality.
Post by: hector13 on February 19, 2017, 01:55:49 pm
Post by: LordBrassroast on February 24, 2017, 08:13:48 pm
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Post by: TheBiggerFish on February 25, 2017, 12:35:07 pm
What do you call 8 hobbits?What do you call 1,073,741,824 hobbits?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Post by: Culise on February 25, 2017, 12:42:39 pm
Post by: martinuzz on February 25, 2017, 05:57:08 pm
Post by: Reelya on February 25, 2017, 05:59:35 pm
What do you call 8 hobbits?What do you call 1,073,741,824 hobbits?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That's really not funny and doesn't work with the joke pattern. It really would have worked better as:
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One letter can make sooo much difference.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on February 25, 2017, 06:08:24 pm
Yea, let's not make a hobbit of this.Kicking the hobbit is about as hard as going cold turkey on monk garb.
Post by: Reelya on February 25, 2017, 06:10:19 pm
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on February 25, 2017, 06:14:51 pm
Post by: a1s on February 25, 2017, 07:35:46 pm
Post by: hector13 on February 25, 2017, 08:10:21 pm
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Post by: Helgoland on February 25, 2017, 08:22:37 pm
Post by: Reelya on February 25, 2017, 09:02:24 pm
He stole them from Gondor and put them in Mordor.
Post by: hops on February 27, 2017, 05:35:53 pm
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Post by: redwallzyl on February 27, 2017, 08:27:52 pm
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Post by: Egan_BW on February 28, 2017, 05:35:23 pm
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Post by: AzyWng on February 28, 2017, 10:34:16 pm
What word can be used to describe someone who can be easily convinced that they've had enough?
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Post by: Max™ on March 02, 2017, 05:53:35 am
...course, as we were playing baseball they didn't let me play anymore after that, still don't know why they got so mad, I mean, when I tackled Mrs. Kerlig as she was getting a quiz ready, grabbed it and shouted "FUMBLE!" then ran to the other end of the school, I see now how that might have been inappropriate.
But come on, baseball has the word "ball" right there in the name! That means it is an inferior member of the set of -ball games, so it is perfectly likely that there exists a function which maps rules from a superior member of the set back to a lesser one, it's just math dammit!
Post by: Helgoland on March 02, 2017, 06:57:55 am
Post by: Max™ on March 02, 2017, 12:14:36 pm
Post by: redwallzyl on March 07, 2017, 07:57:14 pm
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Post by: Reelya on March 07, 2017, 08:10:20 pm
What did Genghis say to thoes who said he couldn't conquer the world.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ogodei never heard such a bad joke. You should aBorte this before it starts. Yuan not going to get much leverage here.
Mon, go lie down for a bit and think about what you've done.
Post by: Arx on March 08, 2017, 01:34:46 am
Post by: Starver on March 08, 2017, 07:30:27 am
Post by: Parsely on March 11, 2017, 09:38:54 pm
Code: [Select]
public class lastnamefirstname_WhoAmI {
public static void main(String[] args) {
String joke;
joke = "Why did the programmer cross the road? "
+ "So he could walk in front of a car "
+ "because he works 50 hours a week.";
System.out.printf("BAD JOKE: %s\n", joke);
}
}
Post by: Bumber on March 13, 2017, 11:57:29 pm
Excuse me sir, but do you have Prince Albert in a can? ... Well then, wait outside until he's finished with his business.
Post by: Arx on March 14, 2017, 12:43:52 am
Excuse me sir, but is your refrigerator running? ... Well then, make sure it stays properly hydrated.
The way I know this one is:
<in a thick accent associated with tradesmen>
"Excuse me sir, is your refrigerator running?"
If you're laying the accent on thick enough, the other person will have to ask you to repeat.
"Is your refrigerator running?!"
<affirmative response>
"Well, you'd better start chasing it!"
Post by: martinuzz on March 22, 2017, 09:15:20 am
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Post by: Sheb on March 23, 2017, 05:20:42 am
A sushi.
And what if he radicalizes?
A Wasabite
Post by: Bumber on April 01, 2017, 05:29:37 am
(That's why they called it the cold war, after all.)
Post by: AzyWng on April 01, 2017, 10:34:49 am
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Post by: Bumber on April 02, 2017, 03:33:35 pm
Why did the Chinese teacher ask her student to stay after class?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Post by: Arx on April 02, 2017, 03:39:11 pm
Chinese is far more tonal than many languages, so the same syllables said with a different pitch pattern can mean different things. This is not immediately obvious to English speakers, since English's primary use of tone is that a rising pitch indicates a question.
The teacher didn't like the kid's language skill.
Post by: MrRoboto75 on April 02, 2017, 03:41:35 pm
Post by: hector13 on April 02, 2017, 04:58:42 pm
Congress: the best politicians money can buy
Unless your name is Donald Trump.
Post by: AzyWng on April 02, 2017, 05:18:54 pm
Congress: the best politicians money can buy
Unless your name is Donald Trump.
Not to derail the thread, but wasn't that partly responsible for his popularity in the first place? His separation from government and whatnot?
Post by: Eric Blank on April 02, 2017, 06:38:51 pm
I dont think anybody actually expects him to build a fucking wall, after all.
Post by: Bumber on April 03, 2017, 06:15:29 am
I dont think anybody actually expects him to build a fucking wall, after all.Too funny.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on April 03, 2017, 09:34:53 am
Ahahahaha....I dont think anybody actually expects him to build a fucking wall, after all.Too funny.
Post by: crazyabe on April 03, 2017, 09:35:36 am
Game design and direction from microsoft.
The american School system.
What? I'm just listing some Terrible jokes.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on April 03, 2017, 09:36:22 am
Out.
...This is not a politics thread.
Post by: hector13 on April 03, 2017, 01:14:11 pm
Post by: tonnot98 on April 03, 2017, 01:15:21 pm
Quote from: inspirational speaker
When you're older, you should be able to wake up and be happy with your life at 35, 45, 55, even 65!
Quote from: me
At that age you should just be happy that you woke up.
Post by: Starver on April 03, 2017, 01:29:31 pm
"I didn't wake up this morning... "
Post by: martinuzz on April 03, 2017, 01:37:50 pm
-ta dum -ta dum-
I'm stiff and I'm cold
-ta dum -ta dum-
My lips are so blue
-ta-dum -ta dum-
Oh what can I do
- ta dum - ta dum-
The undertaker blues wil take you down!
I never knew I could go down so deep
it almost feels like 6 feet
Under -taker blues!
Undertaker blues
Will take a man down.
Yeah.
Post by: TheBiggerFish on April 03, 2017, 04:02:48 pm
Yeah, there's actually a lot you could do with that lyric....If someone hasn't made a song out of that...
Post by: Tomasque on April 03, 2017, 06:35:06 pm
?Yeah, there's actually a lot you could do with that lyric....If someone hasn't made a song out of that...
Post by: Starver on April 10, 2017, 05:42:27 pm
But W.C. is short for whose convenience?
Post by: Helgoland on April 10, 2017, 07:25:18 pm
Post by: Max™ on April 10, 2017, 08:32:24 pm
Course this is also the same sort of language skills which produced "what mean 'cum'? corned beef?" to which I answered 'yes, when I finish there is an explosion of corned beef... I should probably see a doctor about that' which is terrible and amusing, but I'm not sure if it's a joke.
Post by: Icefire2314 on April 10, 2017, 09:25:59 pm
Do you know what you call 8000000000000000 hobbits?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call 90000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 hobbits?
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Post by: Max™ on April 10, 2017, 10:32:59 pm
Post by: hector13 on April 11, 2017, 07:48:44 am
Wouldn't that just be 45 septendecillion pairs of fucking hobbits?
The fact you went to the effort to count the zeroes then figure out what number that made and then halved it... well, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Post by: Max™ on April 12, 2017, 09:32:39 am
Only reason I even thought to do that is from accidentally hitting f7 and wondering why the hell the cursor is moving around instead of scrolling the page and having to figure out what I did.
Shoulda just pasted it in the address bar and added a !wa so duckduckgo would check wolframalpha (which confirmed it's septendecillion) for me.
Post by: Culise on April 13, 2017, 08:28:05 am
Post by: Max™ on April 13, 2017, 08:38:41 am
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Post by: martinuzz on April 13, 2017, 09:14:58 am
How many absurdists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Sixhundredandsixtysix Christmas Avenue, LondonSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Silverthrone on April 13, 2017, 10:51:31 am
Some twenty, in all. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to turn the house.
However, it will not work. For the designated bulb holder is standing inside the house, and is thus turned with it. The dumb-dumbs do not understand this. The ones doing the house turning feel as if the bulb holder is somehow cheating them, that he is failing to do his part of the job on purpose. Meanwhile, the bulb man feels increasingly shattered by his failure, and tries again and again to fulfill his responsibility. He knows that he has mislead his house turning flock. But he cannot understand what is wrong. He wishes nothing more but to get off his step-ladder, and pass his slippery, jingling burden over to someone else. But no one will accept. He is the bulb holder.
And so it continues, again and again. Nineteen resigned dumb-dumbs lifting and turning a house on their shoulder, turn after turn, while inside is a dumb-dumb in absolute despair, pleading in tears at the light socket, that, in its refined and delicate cruelty, refuses to turn.
Post by: Bumber on April 20, 2017, 02:26:19 am
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Post by: TheDarkStar on April 25, 2017, 08:59:21 am
Where's the best place to hide something?
this works too
Post by: Starver on April 25, 2017, 10:16:03 am
Sometimes the enterprising genius attempts no obscuration, generating redundancy around particularly honed initial characters...Where's the best place to hide something?
this works too
Post by: hops on May 01, 2017, 03:24:18 pm
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Post by: AzyWng on May 01, 2017, 05:02:03 pm
Post by: a1s on May 01, 2017, 05:03:25 pm
A small nit pick: he should either beSpoiler (click to show/hide)
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That sounds more like a French jokeThis isn't really funny, but back in high school we used to call bad (i.e. terrible) jokes "French jokes" ("... ho, ho, ho"). I think it was "because no one gets it" or something like that.
Post by: Sheb on May 02, 2017, 06:49:46 am
A small nit pick: he should either beSpoiler (click to show/hide)since ô is already read as "os".Spoiler (click to show/hide)
No
Post by: hops on May 02, 2017, 07:16:51 am
Post by: a1s on May 02, 2017, 11:29:47 am
Wikipedia thinks so (https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=LHospitals_rule).NoA small nit pick: he should either beSpoiler (click to show/hide)since ô is already read as "os".Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TheBiggerFish on May 02, 2017, 11:31:40 am
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Post by: Sheb on May 03, 2017, 01:45:21 am
Post by: TheBiggerFish on May 04, 2017, 11:50:58 am
No, I'm serious, it's too different spelling and pronunciation. ô is basically just o (Which is why it has been mostly dumped out of use recently).I realize the issue, but A) The French spell it that way, don't they? and B) I reframed the joke, not the spelling.
Post by: Sheb on May 04, 2017, 12:28:14 pm
Post by: TheBiggerFish on May 04, 2017, 12:35:33 pm
Sorry i meant to talk to a1s.ô.
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Post by: NJW2000 on May 04, 2017, 01:08:05 pm
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Post by: hector13 on May 04, 2017, 07:23:32 pm
Post by: Twinwolf on May 04, 2017, 08:08:33 pm
Slightly crude joke about maths-and-philosophy's nonexistent cousin, maths-and-theology.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Bad response that may just be me misunderstanding the joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on May 04, 2017, 10:15:01 pm
Slightly crude joke about maths-and-philosophy's nonexistent cousin, maths-and-theology.All of them!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Egan_BW on May 04, 2017, 10:27:24 pm
Post by: hops on May 05, 2017, 06:02:39 am
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Post by: Akura on May 05, 2017, 05:03:11 pm
Spoiler: A bit dirty (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on May 05, 2017, 05:29:27 pm
Post by: hector13 on May 05, 2017, 06:09:42 pm
Post by: H4zardZ1 on May 05, 2017, 10:29:29 pm
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Post by: hops on May 07, 2017, 08:04:18 am
Post by: Silverthrone on May 07, 2017, 04:25:15 pm
-What would you like, Sir?
-Oh... I think I shall be having frog legs today.
-Certainly, Sir. Although, a fair warning, Sir. They are quite salty, at the moment.
Post by: Tawa on May 12, 2017, 05:31:59 pm
One morning, Charlotte wakes up. She doesn't see Kate anywhere and calls for her. Kate walks up to her, but Charlotte notices something is distinctly wrong with her--Kate has horns. Upon closer inspection, Charlotte is definitely sure that this sheep is, in fact, now a ram. She yells and wakes up John and Eric, who are completely baffled as to why Kate appears to be a ram. Charlotte has suggested that they finally ate her and replaced her with a ram, thinking she wouldn't notice, but John points out that they don't have anywhere to get a ram in the first place. Charlotte asks if he has any better ideas about what happened to Kate, when Eric speaks up with his explanation--
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Post by: SeriousConcentrate on May 12, 2017, 06:34:25 pm
Post by: Descan on May 12, 2017, 08:44:14 pm
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on May 12, 2017, 08:59:26 pm
Post by: Starver on May 12, 2017, 09:29:01 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on May 12, 2017, 10:17:38 pm
I would have waited for charlotte to die then eat both her and kate
alternatively, never go anywhere you dont know how to get back from
Post by: TD1 on May 12, 2017, 10:34:58 pm
Post by: Descan on May 12, 2017, 10:49:15 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on May 13, 2017, 01:02:43 am
Post by: Starver on May 13, 2017, 03:35:48 am
Post by: Arx on May 13, 2017, 04:29:10 am
<_<
Lewd joke:
A man and his wife are in the ward, she having just given birth to their first son.
The man asks, "Doctor, how long until we can have sex?"
The doctor responds, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
Post by: Reelya on May 13, 2017, 04:34:50 am
>_>This is relevant and unusually SFW for the comic:
<_<
Lewd joke
http://oglaf.com/1dad/
Post by: SpottedWobbegong on May 13, 2017, 05:04:55 am
An Englishman and a Scotsman have dinner together. Satisfied with the waiters, he calls them over, hands them 10 pounds and says: "Divide it!" The Scotsman gives them a penny and says: "Multiply it!"
Post by: hector13 on May 13, 2017, 06:05:53 am
Post by: Reelya on May 13, 2017, 06:54:50 am
Post by: hector13 on May 13, 2017, 07:02:22 am
Post by: martinuzz on May 13, 2017, 10:14:02 am
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Post by: SpottedWobbegong on May 13, 2017, 11:24:43 am
"Neither, I love you."
Post by: Insanegame27 on May 14, 2017, 01:20:18 am
Post by: Rolan7 on May 14, 2017, 03:07:44 am
Quote from: Twitter Copypasta
For sale: parachute, used only once, never opened, small stain.
Quote from: My take, second saddest "6-word novel"
For sale: Stained parachute, never opened.
(PTW)
Post by: martinuzz on May 14, 2017, 03:47:35 am
Post by: Bumber on May 15, 2017, 03:51:29 am
Post by: Silverthrone on May 15, 2017, 08:19:32 am
-"The world needs me and my knowledge, I'm too important to die", says Hawking, and jumps out with one of the parachutes (somehow).
-"I'm the president of America, I'm too important to die, too!", says President Trump, and snatches another parachute and jumps out.
-"I am old, and have had a long life", says the Pope to Bellman. "You are young, and life still has things in store for you. Take the chute."
-"No need to worry", says Bellman. "The President just jumped out with my rucksack."
Post by: origamiscienceguy on May 15, 2017, 08:36:42 am
Post by: Egan_BW on May 15, 2017, 08:46:08 am
Post by: hector13 on May 15, 2017, 09:09:56 am
Post by: Akura on May 15, 2017, 09:16:36 am
Post by: Silverthrone on May 15, 2017, 09:25:30 am
I do believe we had an argument about that joke earlier, or at least from a derivative of it.
It is a fairly standard Bellman joke, Trump features merely for being the current president. Of course, it must be said that his character is an unusual match for it, but there we are.
The real joke is that he somehow still survived.
His [Bouncy] special ability gives him far greater resistance to fall damage.
Post by: Yoink on May 16, 2017, 10:42:14 pm
The tightfistedness of my people has reached far and wide.Why do Scottish entrepreneurs have such a high mortality rate?
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Not exactly a joke itself, but on-topic: I've been cutting back on dairy lately, and have stopped having milk in my coffee. Sure, I could have replaced cow's milk with (a slightly larger amount of) almond, soy or rice milk, but I wanted to finally be able to use the old "I like my coffee how I like my metal" joke. :))
Post by: Sheb on May 17, 2017, 02:07:19 am
Post by: MrRoboto75 on May 17, 2017, 02:11:49 am
"I like my coffee how I like my jokes. Tasteless".
This coffee is like sex in a canoe
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Post by: Bumber on May 19, 2017, 05:51:28 am
Too good for this thread."I like my coffee how I like my jokes. Tasteless".
This coffee is like sex in a canoeSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on May 22, 2017, 02:23:08 am
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Post by: AzyWng on May 23, 2017, 07:51:47 pm
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Post by: Descan on May 23, 2017, 08:14:09 pm
i love you
Post by: Yoink on May 25, 2017, 05:32:44 am
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Post by: Descan on May 25, 2017, 09:46:15 am
Post by: TD1 on May 26, 2017, 06:21:50 pm
Post by: TD1 on May 27, 2017, 08:20:14 pm
Post by: Spehss _ on May 27, 2017, 08:34:35 pm
Post by: hector13 on May 27, 2017, 09:37:43 pm
Post by: TD1 on May 27, 2017, 10:17:45 pm
Post by: Yoink on May 27, 2017, 10:29:41 pm
Post by: Reelya on May 28, 2017, 05:32:34 am
Post by: hector13 on May 28, 2017, 08:33:12 am
Post by: TD1 on May 28, 2017, 02:27:28 pm
Post by: Arx on May 28, 2017, 03:21:00 pm
Post by: hector13 on May 28, 2017, 03:23:51 pm
Post by: Reelya on May 28, 2017, 04:07:58 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on May 28, 2017, 05:43:27 pm
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Why shouldnt you squeeze someone elses grapes?
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Post by: TheDarkStar on May 28, 2017, 06:57:50 pm
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Post by: IcyTea31 on June 04, 2017, 05:16:10 am
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Post by: martinuzz on June 04, 2017, 05:53:13 am
"How do you make a cat bark? Set it on fire and it goes <woof>"
"How do you make a dog mew? Deep freeze it and put a circular saw to it. Goes <meeeeeeeew>"
Post by: Jimmy on June 04, 2017, 07:42:36 am
Every time I rode my bike, my dog came up and peed on my wheel and spoke.
Post by: BlackFlyme on June 10, 2017, 03:04:45 am
They've quoted the incident as being tragically delicious.
Post by: martinuzz on June 10, 2017, 03:54:52 am
Post by: AzyWng on June 10, 2017, 08:46:50 am
They've quoted the incident as being tragically delicious.
I can't actually find that quote anywhere. Can you tell me where it is?
Still, a bit odd. Wonder what the man was hoping to accomplish...
Post by: Reelya on June 10, 2017, 08:56:50 am
e.g. if some total jerk falls from grace that's tragic ... tragically delicious.
So what limp joke there was in BlackFlyme's "joke" was about taking that literally.
Post by: BlackFlyme on June 10, 2017, 12:12:45 pm
They've quoted the incident as being tragically delicious.
I can't actually find that quote anywhere. Can you tell me where it is?
Still, a bit odd. Wonder what the man was hoping to accomplish...
It's not. It's the punchline.
It's a play on Lucky Charm's marketing slogan, Magically Delicious.
Post by: Descan on June 10, 2017, 03:28:52 pm
Post by: Starver on June 11, 2017, 09:18:01 am
I decided not to argue, 'cos that was very much the definition of a truly bad joke. ;)
Post by: Rose on June 11, 2017, 12:35:57 pm
There's a humongous fungus among us.
Post by: Tomasque on June 12, 2017, 05:22:55 am
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Post by: Arx on June 17, 2017, 10:25:59 am
Walking.
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Post by: Eric Blank on June 18, 2017, 12:13:25 am
What's Harry Potter's favourite way of going down a hill?
Walking.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Thats everybody's favorite way to go down hill, its just frowned upon as adults
Post by: hops on June 18, 2017, 02:48:44 am
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Post by: Helgoland on June 18, 2017, 12:39:47 pm
E: My bad, that joke actually works as intended.
Post by: hops on June 19, 2017, 02:15:40 am
Post by: CABL on June 20, 2017, 03:08:07 am
Spoiler: The answer is... (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on June 20, 2017, 11:02:27 am
Hehe, I crack myself up.
Post by: hops on June 20, 2017, 12:12:33 pm
Post by: TheDarkStar on June 20, 2017, 12:51:51 pm
Post by: hops on June 25, 2017, 08:52:25 am
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Post by: Starver on June 25, 2017, 09:30:10 am
What is the first sentence spoken to Japan's bus-driving AI?I laughed, most of all after summoning the mighty Google... (But is it possible I'm a razy lacist?)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 28, 2017, 03:43:44 pm
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Post by: Sheb on June 28, 2017, 03:57:11 pm
So how is Kilkenny Red Ale similar to a loveless marriage?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
BTW, does anyone know why red ale (I assume you mean cherry flavored ale) have no foam at all?
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on June 28, 2017, 03:59:19 pm
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 28, 2017, 04:04:43 pm
Nah, red ale is not cherry-flavored (did you mean kriek?), it's just reddish-brown. And it usually has very little foam.So how is Kilkenny Red Ale similar to a loveless marriage?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
BTW, does anyone know why red ale (I assume you mean cherry flavored ale) have no foam at all?
Most kriek I've tried had a respectable amount of foam, though, so I dunno if we're on the same page here.
Post by: Starver on June 28, 2017, 05:38:02 pm
Nothing to do with the joke. Nor, apparently the Kilkenny Red which it seems should have head (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kilkenny_(beer))... So a terrible joke. Congratulations!
Post by: Sheb on June 29, 2017, 01:06:31 am
Nah, red ale is not cherry-flavored (did you mean kriek?), it's just reddish-brown. And it usually has very little foam.So how is Kilkenny Red Ale similar to a loveless marriage?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
BTW, does anyone know why red ale (I assume you mean cherry flavored ale) have no foam at all?
Most kriek I've tried had a respectable amount of foam, though, so I dunno if we're on the same page here.
Nah, kriek is a cherry-flavoured Lambic, I thinking of beers like Kasteel Rouge or Rodenback rouge which are ale with added cherry and that famously have no head at all. Not entirely sure what you refers to by red ale then.
Post by: martinuzz on June 29, 2017, 01:54:53 am
Post by: Sheb on June 29, 2017, 03:10:28 am
As much as I like the various double and triple abbey and trappist beers, I have yet to find a kriek that I can stomach. Just too much cherry. (Some trappists / abbey beers do use a tiny whiff of cherry amongst other fruits and spices, that's quite okay, but kriek, no.)
Mort Subite is quite good, but most kriek are way too sweet. Try Kasteel Rouge once maybe which is less overpoweringly sweet.
Post by: martinuzz on June 29, 2017, 03:39:03 am
Post by: Sheb on June 29, 2017, 04:01:41 am
I already tried the Kasteel Rouge. Didn't like. I do like the Kasteel double. I'll see if I can find the Mort Subite anywhere nearby, haven't tried that one.
If you can, try to grab a bottle of the geuze version (non-cherry) so you can compare both.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 29, 2017, 07:29:39 pm
I mean Irish red ale, which is, well, just a kind of slightly red-colored pale ale. I've never tried any cherry-flavored beer which wasn't kriek, so my mind automatically went there. And yeah, Kilkenny Red is different from Kilkenny Cream, the latter has head.Nah, red ale is not cherry-flavored (did you mean kriek?), it's just reddish-brown. And it usually has very little foam.So how is Kilkenny Red Ale similar to a loveless marriage?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
BTW, does anyone know why red ale (I assume you mean cherry flavored ale) have no foam at all?
Most kriek I've tried had a respectable amount of foam, though, so I dunno if we're on the same page here.
Nah, kriek is a cherry-flavoured Lambic, I thinking of beers like Kasteel Rouge or Rodenback rouge which are ale with added cherry and that famously have no head at all. Not entirely sure what you refers to by red ale then.
I do love kriek, though. I kinda want to try Kasteel Rouge now, but I'm not sure if I can find any here.
I already tried the Kasteel Rouge. Didn't like. I do like the Kasteel double. I'll see if I can find the Mort Subite anywhere nearby, haven't tried that one.Mort Subite is pretty sweet, though. I love it, but I dunno if you will.
Post by: Sheb on June 30, 2017, 03:10:35 am
I mean Irish red ale, which is, well, just a kind of slightly red-colored pale ale. I've never tried any cherry-flavored beer which wasn't kriek, so my mind automatically went there. And yeah, Kilkenny Red is different from Kilkenny Cream, the latter has head.Nah, red ale is not cherry-flavored (did you mean kriek?), it's just reddish-brown. And it usually has very little foam.So how is Kilkenny Red Ale similar to a loveless marriage?Spoiler (click to show/hide)Spoiler (click to show/hide)
BTW, does anyone know why red ale (I assume you mean cherry flavored ale) have no foam at all?
Most kriek I've tried had a respectable amount of foam, though, so I dunno if we're on the same page here.
Nah, kriek is a cherry-flavoured Lambic, I thinking of beers like Kasteel Rouge or Rodenback rouge which are ale with added cherry and that famously have no head at all. Not entirely sure what you refers to by red ale then.
I do love kriek, though. I kinda want to try Kasteel Rouge now, but I'm not sure if I can find any here.I already tried the Kasteel Rouge. Didn't like. I do like the Kasteel double. I'll see if I can find the Mort Subite anywhere nearby, haven't tried that one.Mort Subite is pretty sweet, though. I love it, but I dunno if you will.
Oh, yeah, it IS sweet. Just not as sweet as some of the diabetic's piss pretending to be beer.
Post by: martinuzz on June 30, 2017, 05:23:11 am
I do love kriek, though. I kinda want to try Kasteel Rouge now, but I'm not sure if I can find any here.Dunno where is here for you. Over here in the Netherlands, the special beer hype is so great, that you can even get the Kasteel Rouge in the local supermarkets (Albert Heijn), it's not the rarest of beers.
Heh, I should buy a camera/mobile phone and take a picture of our supermarket's special beer displays. It's crazy how many different beers they have.
I haven't had a mobile in 10 years now, and don't really miss it, except for having a camera. I should buy a camera.
Post by: Avis-Mergulus on June 30, 2017, 12:40:39 pm
...How do people call you thoI do love kriek, though. I kinda want to try Kasteel Rouge now, but I'm not sure if I can find any here.Dunno where is here for you. Over here in the Netherlands, the special beer hype is so great, that you can even get the Kasteel Rouge in the local supermarkets (Albert Heijn), it's not the rarest of beers.
Heh, I should buy a camera/mobile phone and take a picture of our supermarket's special beer displays. It's crazy how many different beers they have.
I haven't had a mobile in 10 years now, and don't really miss it, except for having a camera. I should buy a camera.
Also, "here" is Moscow. I can probably buy it somewhere, just not at my local chain store (which has a respectable assortment of imported and local beers, though probably not as much as you get in the Netherlands). It's probably on tap somewhere, though, so I'll just make a mental note for myself to try it if I see it.
Oh, and I actually remembered trying a cherry beer that wasn't kriek before. I think it was a Belgian ale called Delirium Red? It was pretty neat, even if the aftertaste was a little annoying, IIRC.
Post by: Rose on June 30, 2017, 12:43:02 pm
A hoarse Norse horse.
Post by: martinuzz on June 30, 2017, 12:43:19 pm
...How do people call you thoI do have a landline
Post by: Starver on June 30, 2017, 01:35:37 pm
And I have a landmine. Which encourages people to phone me, rather than visit....How do people call you thoI do have a landline
Post by: Descan on June 30, 2017, 04:09:22 pm
Post by: hector13 on June 30, 2017, 04:46:45 pm
Post by: Culise on June 30, 2017, 04:46:56 pm
...
Actually, I'll do it anyways.
Spoiler: All blame to John Purcell (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: And another, because this really got off topic (click to show/hide)
Post by: hops on July 01, 2017, 03:27:09 am
Post by: Starver on July 01, 2017, 06:34:18 am
(Sorry, wish I had mead more puns but, no matter how much arak my brains, me taxa my vocabulary. I'm a little sangrian about that.)
Post by: Culise on July 04, 2017, 05:50:10 pm
I'll also just leave this (http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3517) here. :3
Post by: Yoink on July 04, 2017, 08:12:20 pm
Post by: hector13 on July 04, 2017, 08:16:00 pm
Post by: hector13 on July 04, 2017, 08:18:47 pm
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Post by: a1s on July 07, 2017, 08:56:07 pm
"Rude Olaf the wed loathes train beer."I don't get it. ???
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on July 07, 2017, 09:28:09 pm
Yeah, it's a bad punchline, that's why it's in this thread. :P
Post by: Helgoland on July 08, 2017, 02:34:34 pm
Officials say it's 'just a minor inconvenience'.
Post by: hector13 on July 08, 2017, 02:39:28 pm
Post by: Helgoland on July 08, 2017, 03:01:35 pm
Post by: AzyWng on July 14, 2017, 05:29:26 pm
Post by: TD1 on July 25, 2017, 01:36:18 pm
Why was Jesus crucified?
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Post by: hector13 on July 25, 2017, 01:53:24 pm
Post by: hops on July 26, 2017, 05:34:17 am
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Post by: Helgoland on July 26, 2017, 11:53:57 am
Post by: H4zardZ1 on August 02, 2017, 05:20:49 am
Spoiler: If you hate this kind of joke, go ahead and say that you do. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on August 06, 2017, 01:12:46 am
Spoiler: How do you say goodbye to yourself in Spanish? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: How do you describe heading towards god? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on August 06, 2017, 03:49:43 am
Post by: crazyabe on August 06, 2017, 11:55:50 pm
Post by: Starver on August 07, 2017, 03:28:23 am
Post by: Rolan7 on August 07, 2017, 08:50:17 am
Post by: hops on August 10, 2017, 01:45:47 am
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Who is the current Prime Minister of Austria?
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What species is endangered in Austria?
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Who are the natives in Austria?
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Post by: AzyWng on August 10, 2017, 01:16:05 pm
Post by: hops on August 10, 2017, 02:06:18 pm
Post by: Parsely on August 11, 2017, 01:03:58 pm
Bradley Gunner: "I can't take off my shoes right now."
Post by: IcyTea31 on August 12, 2017, 08:17:46 am
What's the best way to hide a body?
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Post by: Sir Elventide on August 12, 2017, 08:15:18 pm
The second strike is a double tap in a zombie apocalypse
The third strike is an out in baseball
Post by: Arx on August 18, 2017, 04:45:36 pm
*<In a thick Spanish accent>*
Knock knock, who's there, etc
Pyjamas.
Pyjamas who?
Pyjamas arounda me and say you love me.
And what's the difference between light and hard?
Well, uh, you can sleep with a light on.
Post by: Sir Elventide on August 18, 2017, 05:32:41 pm
They are quite irritating, malodorous, and very hard to get rid of.
Post by: Rolan7 on August 19, 2017, 12:53:06 am
You can sleep with a light on.
Post by: Sir Elventide on August 19, 2017, 01:26:15 am
I don't know but at least the velociraptors knew how to use their brains.
Post by: Starver on August 19, 2017, 06:15:47 am
Post by: Sir Elventide on August 19, 2017, 09:42:39 am
A virtual Parisite.
Post by: Starver on August 19, 2017, 11:11:46 am
What do you call a little creature regularly found on the Paris train system?
A Metronome.
Post by: Sir Elventide on August 19, 2017, 05:29:35 pm
Mature.
Post by: hector13 on August 19, 2017, 06:21:01 pm
Post by: Silverthrone on August 19, 2017, 08:21:55 pm
For you see, Mother was a comedian, Father was a tragic.
One can call it a compromise.
Post by: Sir Elventide on August 19, 2017, 10:51:51 pm
Post by: Starver on August 22, 2017, 06:18:40 am
(Take your double-ended sharpened stone percussive-and-leverage tool...)
And, if you don't see any terrible ones: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2017/aug/21/solar-eclipse-eye-damage
Post by: Ekaton on August 22, 2017, 09:28:27 am
That's just :o
Post by: Sir Elventide on August 22, 2017, 10:40:05 am
How's that for double entente!
Post by: IcyTea31 on August 23, 2017, 02:50:11 pm
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on August 23, 2017, 02:52:06 pm
Same goes for you Cinder.
Post by: hops on August 23, 2017, 03:09:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sir Elventide on August 24, 2017, 12:32:06 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on September 01, 2017, 06:09:39 am
Quote from: We Were Soldiers
The laundromat in town's okay, but they won't let you wash your colored things in their machines.
...they have a big sign right in the window, says "Whites Only".
Post by: CABL on September 10, 2017, 03:39:00 am
Spoiler: Kinda NSFW (click to show/hide)
Post by: Twinwolf on September 10, 2017, 03:46:39 pm
Spoiler: Terrible and horribly insensitive joke from my uncle (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on September 25, 2017, 02:33:02 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ggobs on September 25, 2017, 03:44:56 pm
Post by: Bumber on September 25, 2017, 10:38:59 pm
Post by: Sir Elventide on September 26, 2017, 09:18:50 pm
Post by: a1s on September 27, 2017, 03:53:34 pm
What do you call a pregnant Roman emperor? A CaesareanSurely they are pregnant no longer?
Post by: TD1 on September 27, 2017, 04:00:12 pm
/literalreading
Post by: Egan_BW on September 27, 2017, 04:15:57 pm
Post by: Reelya on September 27, 2017, 10:22:03 pm
Post by: Sir Elventide on September 27, 2017, 11:38:00 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on September 30, 2017, 10:58:26 am
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"
Also, in Fallen London, I just found a smuggler's stash in a graveyard. The name on the stone?
"Eliza Trove"
Post by: Reelya on October 01, 2017, 02:14:00 am
Sunnis.
Post by: Starver on October 01, 2017, 11:41:28 pm
(I need a DuckAndHide smiley)
Post by: CABL on October 02, 2017, 10:10:33 am
Post by: Reelya on October 02, 2017, 10:13:09 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Little known middle-eastern political parties:
Ba'ath
Sho'ower
To'oilet
Si'ink
Post by: Helgoland on October 02, 2017, 10:59:05 am
Post by: Rose on October 02, 2017, 12:00:04 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Egan_BW on October 02, 2017, 03:11:45 pm
Post by: IcyTea31 on October 02, 2017, 03:26:02 pm
Post by: Starver on October 02, 2017, 05:32:09 pm
You guys make me Sikh.Buddha didn't mean to do that! Sufis to say, I'd be Sadducee me as a Lollard, if I wash sho Amish in my reshpect.
Yazidi thing is, Jadid assume I'd ramp it up, rather than Dalit down. Hoodoo you think I am? Dude, you Digambara-ng no ill will to any particular religion, rite? It might look it, Gasin upon my words, Bahá'í hold them all equally valid Sōtō insult any single one of them Juche isn't the reason for Myaphysite to this thread. Don't go expecting Gnostic being wielded Bimo words...
Post by: Bumber on October 03, 2017, 04:29:00 pm
How do you make a Canadian uncomfortable?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: redwallzyl on October 03, 2017, 05:49:58 pm
Post by: Descan on October 03, 2017, 10:58:02 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on October 03, 2017, 11:35:19 pm
I'm wondering how it "tells" you that it's done microwaving...
Also I'm back home, at least for a few days. Parents have been great but it's nice to be back, even if I'm leaving permanently all too soon. Which is a bittersweet happy too, new place woo! *literally knocks on wood*
Edit: Huh, how did I mistake this for the happy thread? Pancake thoughts and exhaustion I guess.
Post by: Descan on October 04, 2017, 01:40:13 am
Post by: Trekkin on October 04, 2017, 02:24:32 am
I think the little microwave on there changes in some way, probably becoming clear or white, the way some beer cans change colour in certain areas when they're cold.
Yeah, it's a little patch of thermochromatic ink that turns white and reveals the word "HOT" when the bottle is hot enough.
Post by: Reelya on October 04, 2017, 02:51:37 am
Post by: hops on October 06, 2017, 04:59:51 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on October 06, 2017, 08:33:29 pm
This is terrible like "terrifying", or possibly "terrific" in that it made it past the censors. And people say Garfield is mundane.
Post by: Rose on October 06, 2017, 09:39:27 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on October 06, 2017, 09:44:11 pm
Spoiler: What my group came up with after an hour or so (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on October 06, 2017, 09:47:03 pm
Or at least that's what I take from that link.
(Or that it gives Year values back to 1908, but then complains if you provide anything earlier than 1917...)
Post by: Rolan7 on October 06, 2017, 09:51:28 pm
Post by: Reelya on October 06, 2017, 10:39:34 pm
How do academics communicate over long distance?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
... this one worked. I visibly winced at the punchline. Good job.
Post by: Jimmy on October 07, 2017, 12:41:08 am
The joke is that it's asking for your birthday, and won't go further without it, claiming that it's there to give "...the best Garfield.com experience EVER!", obviously. Which is a laughable reason.To be fair, the fact that you and I both used the lowest year possible on the age gate form is honestly far more amusing than the actual cartoon.
Or at least that's what I take from that link.
(Or that it gives Year values back to 1908, but then complains if you provide anything earlier than 1917...)
Still, seeing semen jokes in a Garfield strip are certainly worth my thirty seconds of lifetime spent.
Post by: My Name is Immaterial on October 07, 2017, 01:47:14 am
Wait, it wasn't just me? Yall also tried 1908?The joke is that it's asking for your birthday, and won't go further without it, claiming that it's there to give "...the best Garfield.com experience EVER!", obviously. Which is a laughable reason.To be fair, the fact that you and I both used the lowest year possible on the age gate form is honestly far more amusing than the actual cartoon.
Or at least that's what I take from that link.
(Or that it gives Year values back to 1908, but then complains if you provide anything earlier than 1917...)
Post by: Arx on October 07, 2017, 01:53:31 am
Post by: Jimmy on October 07, 2017, 05:45:07 am
Post by: Descan on October 09, 2017, 09:34:01 pm
i believe this belongs hereNot sure. The only [drug] I take is manufactured in Israel.Is it for hasidic reflux?
Post by: Culise on October 18, 2017, 03:11:58 pm
Quote
"A fella named Lonega wondered out loud why theater people are always saying, 'Break a leg,' and without batting an eye, Doc says, 'Well, you can't make a Hamlet without breaking legs.' Hey, I couldn't let him get away with that one, could I? I came up with a better one."
The Doc shuddered. "'Better'? Hah! I remember it yet." He turns to us. "He gives us this five-minute setup about this bizarre compulsion he's been having, to build replicas of Assyrian stepped pyramids, and then burn 'em to the ground. And then he waits...until somebody's just about to change the subject...and he says-"
Long-Drink finished it for him. "I gotta quit smokin' ziggurats before it kills me."
As one, we moaned.
"So of course I take a closer look at him," the Doc said, "and I see he's wearing this hand-painted polka-dot necktie - this was back when men wore neckties in a bar - and I say, 'Nice tie, buddy. More in Seurat than in Ingres.' And we were off and running. As I recall it, his next atrocity was something about a new method of erosion control for beaches-"
"You wait for a real hot day, so the winds'll be violent," Long-Drink interrupted again. "Then you just spread out fishing nets. This results in the formation of-"
"The Doc, and Mike Callahan, chorused the punchline with him. "-A BAKIN' LATTICE AND TORNADO SAND RIDGE!"
And, of course, the puns continue from there. :3
Quote
"...until you perpetrated that Byzantine horror about the Middle-Eastern manure salesman.
Long-Drink shook his head. "I don't remember it."
The room held its breath.
"Would that I could forget it. Let's see...you started with that true story about the guy in the Civil War who got a testicle shot off, and impregnated a lady fifty yards away...only you specified that he was a German named Josef, and that the shot was fired by Scarlett O'Hara, and that the resulting child was named for his father. Then, as I recall the atrocity, you alleged that the child grew to manhood, moved to the Middle East, and used a series of methodical burglaries to finance his vast manure empire-"
"Ah, yes," Long-Drink said reminiscently. "The Haifa-lootin', routine Teuton, son of a gun from Tara's owner, big-time Cow-Pie Joe..."
Post by: Arx on October 18, 2017, 03:13:56 pm
Post by: Helgoland on October 18, 2017, 06:44:07 pm
A grope.
Post by: Sir Elventide on October 18, 2017, 08:53:24 pm
A Peeping Tom after eyeing an Amazon.
Post by: a1s on October 19, 2017, 06:27:34 am
'Nice tie, buddy. More in Seurat than in Ingres.'I don't get it ???
"Haifa-lootin', routine Teuton, son of a gun from Tara's owner, big-time Cow-Pie Joe..."This one was easy to google, and even though I didn't know it, I can really appreciate the craft the went into it.
Post by: Culise on October 19, 2017, 07:52:44 am
I didn't get it the first time I read it either, mostly because I was mispronouncing the names. It's another Shakespeare pun: "more in sorrow (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georges_Seurat) than in anger (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Auguste-Dominique_Ingres)."'Nice tie, buddy. More in Seurat than in Ingres.'I don't get it ???
Post by: Paxiecrunchle on October 24, 2017, 03:09:45 pm
Post by: Starver on October 24, 2017, 08:13:44 pm
The broadcast wording had more brevity in the article, and concluded with words very similar to "the club says that they will send a number of their fans to Auschwitz", as a response to their collective bad behaviour. Which I thought sounded a little bit harsh, in these generally more enlightened times...
Post by: redwallzyl on October 25, 2017, 05:00:20 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on November 07, 2017, 12:10:32 pm
A treant: "Sex jokes are low hanging fruit"
Almost surprised that wordplay happened in that fuzzy-conceptual-dreamspace. In fact it worked better... I guess you had to be there. (There wasn't technically a treant, for example, just a pervasive force of nature with a dumb sense of humor)
Post by: Sir Elventide on November 07, 2017, 12:28:04 pm
A numbers station.
Post by: Helgoland on November 07, 2017, 03:49:57 pm
Heard a joke so dumb I woke up:A queer joke? Low hanging fruits.
A treant: "Sex jokes are low hanging fruit"
Almost surprised that wordplay happened in that fuzzy-conceptual-dreamspace. In fact it worked better... I guess you had to be there. (There wasn't technically a treant, for example, just a pervasive force of nature with a dumb sense of humor)
Wow, darkest pun I've made in a while.
Post by: Rolan7 on November 07, 2017, 04:36:15 pm
Post by: Tawa on November 09, 2017, 09:58:40 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Descan on November 09, 2017, 10:18:34 pm
Post by: MrRoboto75 on November 09, 2017, 10:37:54 pm
Violets are plants
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Helgoland on November 09, 2017, 11:17:34 pm
why are the russians and italians talking to each other in englishWhy do Sheb and I talk in English?
Post by: Egan_BW on November 09, 2017, 11:53:03 pm
Post by: Maximum Spin on November 09, 2017, 11:55:50 pm
Why is English?Yes, "why" is English. It roughly means "for what reason".
Post by: TD1 on November 10, 2017, 11:40:52 am
Post by: a1s on November 10, 2017, 05:12:03 pm
The river Wye is English?Aye, since 1536. (Those saeson will steal a whole continent if you're not watching)
Post by: Starver on November 12, 2017, 11:31:06 am
Wyre you upset, you Idle Lune? Yes, Wear Went over there, in our Tern. Don' Axe me Ouse permission Witham, or Wych rights of Wey.The river Wye is English?Aye, since 1536. (Those saeson will steal a whole continent if you're not watching)
(Noe? Yar call for Mersey, you Tees, saying Ewden now? Weaver fun time Till you Culm over all shy! Ure far too Tame, my Liddle Coquet. Just like my Exe. While Ive been Bourne Itchen for it, *Corfe, corfe*...)
Post by: hector13 on November 12, 2017, 01:33:34 pm
Whether it's on the face or the back? I don't know.
Post by: Descan on November 13, 2017, 06:02:47 pm
you're also not the head of an explicitly Russian and/or Italian criminal organiz-why are the russians and italians talking to each other in englishWhy do Sheb and I talk in English?
wait
are you?
Post by: Helgoland on November 13, 2017, 10:44:22 pm
Post by: Starver on November 14, 2017, 05:47:14 am
That churches need to be fitted with lightning rods.
Post by: Sir Elventide on November 14, 2017, 07:19:23 pm
Tommy: "Hey man, turn that way! European on my shoes!"
Teacher: ?!?!?!
Post by: H4zardZ1 on November 15, 2017, 10:18:53 am
Spoiler: So i decided to post this kind of things as a joke. Image. (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on November 15, 2017, 02:08:26 pm
Post by: Paxiecrunchle on November 15, 2017, 06:33:42 pm
Q: How does the army deal with their soldiers gambling?
A: The confine them to their quarters.
Post by: H4zardZ1 on November 20, 2017, 07:48:18 am
Spoiler: Image. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ultimuh on November 20, 2017, 08:22:38 am
Spoiler: Image. (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: how I reacted to that (it's a .Gif from imgur) (click to show/hide)
Post by: kingawsume on November 20, 2017, 02:35:46 pm
Do you know how to save a politician from drowning?
No? Good.
Post by: Rolan7 on November 20, 2017, 05:26:31 pm
Fixed that for you :DSpoiler: Image. (click to show/hide)Spoiler: how I reacted to that (it's a .Gif from imgur) (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on November 21, 2017, 07:42:30 pm
Q: How does the army deal with their soldiers gambling?That joke is pretty horrible, but I have a worse one:
A: The confine them to their quarters.
Spoiler: Where do the generals keep their armies? (click to show/hide)
Post by: Culise on November 22, 2017, 12:06:21 am
So do henhouses.He, much like an onion, has layers.Cakes have layers, too.
Post by: kingawsume on November 22, 2017, 01:47:03 pm
Isn't that just shitposting?Spoiler: Image. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on November 22, 2017, 03:16:40 pm
It's just the usual load of crap.Isn't that just shitposting?Spoiler: Image. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on November 22, 2017, 04:00:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Ultimuh on November 22, 2017, 08:46:24 pm
Classic.Fixed that for you :DSpoiler: Image. (click to show/hide)Spoiler: how I reacted to that (it's a .Gif from imgur) (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on December 04, 2017, 06:00:15 am
"So, son, when you enter your home after the ceremony, you will carry your wife, because to be a Catalan is to be strong."
"I will dad."
"Then you will take a shower, because to be a Catalan, is to be clean."
"I will dad."
"And then, you will gently peck her on the cheek and sleep, because to be a Catalan is to be amourous".
"Wait? I'm not to make love to her?"
"No son, you will jerk off yourself, because to be a Catalan is to be autonomous and independent!"
Post by: H4zardZ1 on December 05, 2017, 07:54:40 am
Spoiler: I'm bored, so i created a new chat "gay" weapon. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on December 06, 2017, 04:23:25 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on December 07, 2017, 02:53:23 pm
"Making French Bread Without Real Butter isn't a Pain"
Post by: kingawsume on December 07, 2017, 04:52:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on December 07, 2017, 04:54:16 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on December 07, 2017, 05:08:02 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on December 07, 2017, 05:55:31 pm
Actually, i didn't realize she points instead of holding the staff until i took a closer look. | On Discord, post this image and scroll the list of people there until you find your target.
Uhh, how is she pointing? If she's holding the staff, then her finger cannot be in front of the staff and pointing, it would have to be wrapped around it from behind.
Post by: Starver on December 07, 2017, 06:21:50 pm
I was thinking it was her thumb (round the nearside of the staff) as part of the grip with the mitten-like fingers (coming from around the rear) and confused with a small unknown fragment of near-skin-colour sleeve-lining, maybe. But I'm no expert on chibi-stylisation of manipulatory end-effectors, and you can't see much of the other hand to clear up the artistic intention.Actually, i didn't realize she points instead of holding the staff until i took a closer look. | On Discord, post this image and scroll the list of people there until you find your target.
Uhh, how is she pointing? If she's holding the staff, then her finger cannot be in front of the staff and pointing, it would have to be wrapped around it from behind.
(Still, it's a good re-meme. I can even suspend my own gut interpretation to accept the intended concept. Carry on!)
Post by: H4zardZ1 on December 08, 2017, 12:57:59 am
The staff is probably floating.Actually, i didn't realize she points instead of holding the staff until i took a closer look. | On Discord, post this image and scroll the list of people there until you find your target.
Uhh, how is she pointing? If she's holding the staff, then her finger cannot be in front of the staff and pointing, it would have to be wrapped around it from behind.
Spoiler: I thought so because her idle sprite shows that the staff is floating. (click to show/hide)
Post by: Akura on December 16, 2017, 06:41:40 am
Spoiler: Israel and ISIS together? (click to show/hide)
Post by: technicallyAdventurer on December 16, 2017, 02:45:33 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SOLDIER First on December 16, 2017, 03:08:26 pm
Mine
Post by: Kagus on December 20, 2017, 03:09:26 pm
The frog says "I can jump higher than that rock!", and jumps on top of a nearby rock.
The leopard retorts "Oh yeah? Well I can jump higher than that log!", and jumps on top of a log.
The elephant observes this and calmly states "I can jump higher than the trees."
The frog and the leopard exchange dubious glances before the leopard speaks up, "I don't believe you, fatty. Prove it!"
So the elephant takes a deep breath, stretches his muscles a bit, and then *WHAM!*, he rockets off into the sky like he'd just realized he was late for the moon landing.
"Fuck," says the frog, "I was not expecting that."
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
So, this guy's dog had a pretty serious flea problem, and they'd tried everything to get rid of them; powders, baths, collars, shots, yoga, the works, but nothing was getting the job done so he talked with his Chinese neighbor about the issue and the neighbor asked if he had any antifreeze in his garage; "yeah, why?" he answered, but the neighbor just said to give it to him, so he did and then the neighbor poured it all over the dog and the problem was fixed.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What do you call someone who's interested in mathematics, but hesitates to get into the field because of the social stigma attached?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why are bitches basic?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on December 20, 2017, 03:16:53 pm
Quote from: Kagus's personal text
Olive oil. Don't you?I liked the second two :P
Post by: Tomasque on December 20, 2017, 03:51:39 pm
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?That one's good.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on December 25, 2017, 01:45:40 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: CABL on January 07, 2018, 05:33:47 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: EnigmaticHat on January 09, 2018, 02:00:16 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on January 09, 2018, 02:26:57 pm
Post by: Magistrum on January 09, 2018, 04:43:54 pm
Post by: NJW2000 on January 09, 2018, 04:49:03 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on January 20, 2018, 10:00:40 pm
Post by: AzyWng on January 21, 2018, 01:36:57 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on January 22, 2018, 04:00:14 pm
Post by: TheBeardyMan on January 26, 2018, 04:31:12 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on January 27, 2018, 06:23:51 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KittyTac on January 27, 2018, 06:33:30 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: EnigmaticHat on January 27, 2018, 12:24:37 pm
What do Jews and sneakers have in common?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on January 27, 2018, 03:18:04 pm
Post by: Starver on January 27, 2018, 05:39:29 pm
https://xkcd.com/927/
No wonder we want out of the EU. We won't toe the line, we won't be down at heel, they are our arch rivals and I'm using this platform not to flip-flop about the issue, I am not a sneaker, but to show them the sharp end of my tongue, laced with much polish as we boot out the stubborn mules and idle loafers before they clog up our lives. Sorry, what was the pointe again?
Post by: Reelya on January 27, 2018, 10:26:13 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on January 28, 2018, 04:27:08 pm
"Presumably painted in blood, largely."
"Of course. The color changes as the blood ages, making a sort of living artform."
"I suppose with strange elven, even death may dye."
Post by: hops on January 28, 2018, 06:21:02 pm
Was talking with our GM about Drow in his setting. While cruel and capricious, they apparently have amazing metal concerts and paintings.Groan
"Presumably painted in blood, largely."
"Of course. The color changes as the blood ages, making a sort of living artform."
"I suppose with strange elven, even death may dye."
Post by: Bumber on February 16, 2018, 06:30:30 pm
A hotel is hosting a Christmas Chess tournament, and the manager is in the foyer to welcome guests. He overhears the first competitors coming in... 'No one stands a chance against me, I'm a chess God...' Then another player says 'My ELO is beyond compare...'. Yet another is heard saying 'I can win this blindfold...'
Eventually, the hotel manager shouts 'Right, the lot of you, OUT!'
'But why?' they ask, 'we're here for the Christmas tournament!'
The manager says 'If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!'
Post by: Carsomyr on February 17, 2018, 11:49:32 am
Post by: TD1 on February 17, 2018, 11:55:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Carsomyr on February 17, 2018, 12:01:33 pm
Arnie throws him out, saying 'I still love Vista, baby!'
Post by: scourge728 on February 17, 2018, 09:14:05 pm
Post by: NJW2000 on February 18, 2018, 05:04:26 am
Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered with chocolate and nuts, and believe they may have found Pharaoh Rocher.This was physically painful.
Post by: MrRoboto75 on February 18, 2018, 10:40:03 am
Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered with chocolate and nuts, and believe they may have found Pharaoh Rocher.This was physically painful.
Bone Hurting Puns
Post by: Carsomyr on February 18, 2018, 11:09:56 am
On an update to the Glasgow murder enquiry, Detective Inspector McTaggart issued a statement saying he was looking for a suspect with one eye. If unsuccessful, he'll use both eyes.
Post by: Carsomyr on February 18, 2018, 11:14:08 am
Post by: Reelya on February 18, 2018, 12:33:00 pm
Post by: Carsomyr on February 18, 2018, 04:31:49 pm
'I hope you don't mind me asking' says the guy, 'but how did you get your injuries? What happened to your leg?'
'Aaarrr!' says the pirate, 'I was walkin' the plank, fell overboard, an' me leg was bitten off by a shark!'
'Nasty' says the guy. 'What about your hand? Why the hook?'
'Aaarrr, I got into a fight wi' Long John Silver, an' he cut off me hand with his cutlass!'
'Ouch... what about your eye?'
'Aaarr, I was in the Crow's Nest scannin' the horizon fer enemy ships, and a seagull shit in me eye!'
The guy says 'But surely you wouldn't lose your eye just from that?'
Pirate says 'Aaarrr, I'd forgotten about the hook...'
Post by: Carsomyr on February 18, 2018, 04:41:17 pm
Post by: Carsomyr on February 18, 2018, 04:42:35 pm
'Why's that?' she replied, 'do you feel like you've won the jackpot?'
'No, I wish you'd roll-over'
Post by: Carsomyr on February 18, 2018, 04:43:15 pm
'What on earth are you doing?' I asked.
'It's the latest product..."Breast Enlarging Cream"...only £50!' she replied.
'50 quid! All you needed to do was get some toilet-roll paper and rub it up and down your cleavage' I said.
'Why would that work?' she demanded.
'Well, it's worked on your arse...'
Post by: hops on February 18, 2018, 07:00:26 pm
Captain: Are.
Post by: KittyTac on February 20, 2018, 05:20:27 am
Post by: Eric Blank on February 20, 2018, 05:03:27 pm
Post by: hector13 on February 20, 2018, 06:07:31 pm
Post by: Starver on February 20, 2018, 09:41:52 pm
Post by: hops on February 21, 2018, 02:06:06 am
Air-launched (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pegasus_(rocket)).https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4f9m4OYkCY
Post by: Eric Blank on February 25, 2018, 10:34:42 pm
Why cant islamic terrorists eat pork even though they feel rape is fine?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why wont they eat shrimp?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why cant they draw the Prophet Muhammed?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do americans love pork so much?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why dont english protestants get along with pagans?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
And the real reason communism doesnt work is because they never invite the catholics. Potatoes and vodka just doesnt draw in the crowds like bread and wine.
Post by: Sheb on February 26, 2018, 02:30:46 pm
Post by: Starver on February 26, 2018, 04:21:05 pm
Post by: SalmonGod on March 01, 2018, 07:24:49 pm
"I'm your biggest fan, Mr Trump, how about if I give you a blowjob right here?"
Trump pursed his lips, thinking, and replied "What's in it for me?"
Post by: KittyTac on March 01, 2018, 10:31:37 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on March 01, 2018, 10:51:38 pm
Post by: hector13 on March 01, 2018, 11:00:59 pm
Post by: Starver on March 01, 2018, 11:26:56 pm
Post by: TD1 on March 02, 2018, 09:23:50 am
Post by: Kagus on March 02, 2018, 10:31:35 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on March 02, 2018, 11:08:43 am
Halal ∩ Kosher is a good proportion of Halal ∪ KosherIf that is a pun on the word "portion", I don't get it. ???
Post by: Bumber on March 02, 2018, 01:58:31 pm
I'm not sure it's a joke. The statement implies there's a large overlap between the two.Halal ∩ Kosher is a good proportion of Halal ∪ KosherIf that is a pun on the word "portion", I don't get it. ???
Post by: hector13 on March 02, 2018, 09:59:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on March 02, 2018, 10:18:20 pm
Post by: Bumber on March 03, 2018, 06:59:14 pm
Post by: WealthyRadish on March 04, 2018, 12:31:00 am
What do you call a motorhome salesman? A wheeltor.
Exquisitely awful, well done.
Post by: Bumber on March 04, 2018, 09:29:57 pm
The worst puns are the ones that aren't even real words. Completely unclever.What do you call a motorhome salesman? A wheeltor.Exquisitely awful, well done.
Post by: Carsomyr on March 05, 2018, 03:05:13 pm
Post by: Carsomyr on March 05, 2018, 03:06:57 pm
Post by: Carsomyr on March 05, 2018, 03:11:53 pm
Post by: Carsomyr on March 05, 2018, 03:16:21 pm
Post by: Kagus on March 08, 2018, 04:58:20 pm
"Hey, sir? Are you okay? What's wrong?"
The man sniffles a bit and looks up.
"Well, you see... I'm 78 years old, and I recently remarried a woman 50 years my junior. She's a real bombshell; great tits, legs that go for miles, the whole package... And she just can't keep her hands off of me!"
Somewhat taken aback, the bartender responds "But that sounds amazing! What's the problem?".
The older fellow wipes a tear from his eye and says "I can't remember where I live".
Post by: scourge728 on March 08, 2018, 05:03:44 pm
Post by: Eric Blank on March 08, 2018, 07:34:08 pm
Post by: Starver on March 12, 2018, 04:45:15 pm
Then it dawned on me.
Post by: hector13 on March 12, 2018, 07:55:57 pm
He was once investigated by the Inland Revenue for tax fraud.
He said they should stop bothering him ‘cause he lived by the seaside.
Post by: Carsomyr on March 15, 2018, 09:17:02 am
Ken Dodd died. :(
He was once investigated by the Inland Revenue for tax fraud.
He said they should stop bothering him ‘cause he lived by the seaside.
My favourite Ken Dodd one-liner...
'My father always knew I'd be a comedian. When I was born, he said 'Is this a joke?'
Post by: Akura on March 26, 2018, 06:16:59 am
Spoiler: In short (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on March 26, 2018, 08:18:05 am
Various characters are dungeon-crawling, looking for treasure and traps and XP, presumably with an element like random-encounter cards dealt out from a pack. One of them opens a door that the GM's deal indicates opens onto a Void. The player tells the others "there's Nothing in here, guys!".
Post by: SOLDIER First on March 26, 2018, 08:51:26 am
“All clear!”
Post by: redwallzyl on March 28, 2018, 11:14:09 am
Post by: Starver on March 28, 2018, 11:21:52 am
Did you hear Batman was arrested? They got him on assault and bat-ery.They also arrested an associate for robbin'...
Post by: redwallzyl on March 28, 2018, 11:29:58 am
Post by: Starver on March 28, 2018, 11:34:41 am
Post by: Culise on March 28, 2018, 10:46:30 pm
A tire.
Post by: Rolan7 on March 28, 2018, 10:49:40 pm
Well played.
Post by: Egan_BW on March 28, 2018, 10:55:03 pm
Post by: Tomasque on March 29, 2018, 02:13:24 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on March 29, 2018, 04:30:15 pm
You... You realize almost noone will get that. You do. That's what makes it a terrible joke.
Well played.
There's only one letter missing, man.
If they spelled "tyre" properly, though...
Post by: redwallzyl on March 29, 2018, 04:33:52 pm
If they spelled "FTFY :Ptyre" "tire" properly, though...
Post by: hector13 on March 29, 2018, 09:09:21 pm
Post by: Culise on March 29, 2018, 10:17:42 pm
You can’t make a car go with fatigue!Sure, but you can make people go with a car. Not for long, though. A person who runs in front of a car becomes tired. A person who runs behind a car becomes exhausted.
Post by: Kagus on March 30, 2018, 07:34:13 am
Post by: Starver on March 31, 2018, 07:30:56 am
Post by: redwallzyl on March 31, 2018, 10:32:51 am
I ceder what you just did...It was such a bad oak we should all leaf the thread.
Post by: Starver on March 31, 2018, 10:37:25 am
Post by: KittyTac on March 31, 2018, 10:44:25 am
Post by: hector13 on March 31, 2018, 12:34:26 pm
Post by: Starver on March 31, 2018, 03:21:44 pm
Post by: Kagus on April 02, 2018, 09:16:23 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do we use our middle finger to flip someone off if it's a pinkie swear?
How do polite Germans get high?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on April 05, 2018, 06:11:14 pm
"I want you to sell me a kettle."
"Kenwood?"
"Where's he then?"
Post by: Starver on April 07, 2018, 12:57:27 pm
Inspired by this, I tattooed "D A W N" and "D U S K" on mine. Then added "N O" and "O N" down the upper phalangials of one thumb and up again upon the other. I put "WEEK" on one palm, "YEAR" on another, "FORTNIGHT" across the back of one hand, and for the other I put "CENTURY". On the pads of my thumbs and fingers I put "10:00" to "10:45", in five minute increments, and I even put a key for ISO time-zone codes and their UTC offsets, in very small inkings, towards the carpal area.
But, you know, maybe I've just got too much time on my hands.
Post by: Tomasque on April 07, 2018, 07:09:24 pm
-snip-So i zoned out and forgot I was reading this thread, and when I read your post I thought you were serious for a moment.
no terrible joke
There's no terrible joke hidden in this post. I seriously just thought you had tatooed all over you hands on a whim.
Post by: Starver on April 08, 2018, 02:16:00 am
I was walking past a family loading a car with various random-looking household items, yesterday. So I asked the little girl, for some reason ending up eagerly carrying the rather large sideboard clock, if she had the time...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on April 08, 2018, 10:58:16 am
I don't get it );
It's funny because he claims he talked to a girl.
Post by: TD1 on April 08, 2018, 01:25:41 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on April 10, 2018, 05:27:54 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on April 10, 2018, 05:56:44 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on April 10, 2018, 06:59:52 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on April 10, 2018, 09:11:15 pm
Spoiler: shit pun (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on April 11, 2018, 07:45:03 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on April 11, 2018, 08:43:23 am
Post by: scourge728 on April 11, 2018, 12:24:22 pm
I honeymakerlithiumwifeofadam so.hah.
Post by: hector13 on April 11, 2018, 01:12:09 pm
He says, as though he's read it.
Post by: Pancakes on April 12, 2018, 05:39:05 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: King Zultan on April 12, 2018, 06:54:11 am
Post by: Bumber on April 15, 2018, 12:44:41 am
You just described the problem with unregulated capitalism.Decapitalism
Heads must have rolled.A good object lesson in why you shouldn't cut corners to get ahead.
Ok, I'll stop now.
You just might get one.
Post by: Reelya on April 15, 2018, 02:38:39 am
Post by: Kagus on April 15, 2018, 04:27:46 am
Post by: Tawa on April 18, 2018, 11:33:14 pm
Post by: Starver on April 19, 2018, 05:26:34 am
Post by: hector13 on April 19, 2018, 06:40:43 am
Post by: Tawa on April 23, 2018, 09:35:12 am
Post by: TD1 on April 23, 2018, 09:48:33 am
Post by: Starver on April 25, 2018, 02:57:47 pm
One particular brand and type and subtype of biscuit on a shelf (i.e. differing only by weight, due to the number of biscuits in the packet, and price). On the left, there are 300g packs for £1 (33.p/100g). On the right, you have the option of larger 433g packs for £2.29 (52.8p/100g). Slap bang in the middle, proudly claiming "NEW", are 266g packs for £1.50 (56.4p/100g).
And I'm quoting the actual price-per-100g actually listed on the shelf-ticket.
Funny, eh? Thought so.
/me munches most of the way through one of the three £1 packs that were bought. Already eyeing the second one, and trying to find out where to hide the third whilst otherwise distracted by the first two.
Post by: martinuzz on April 25, 2018, 03:01:38 pm
Not my joke, but the supermarket's.You should invest in a repackaging plant
One particular brand and type and subtype of biscuit on a shelf (i.e. differing only by weight, due to the number of biscuits in the packet, and price). On the left, there are 300g packs for £1 (33.p/100g). On the right, you have the option of larger 433g packs for £2.29 (52.8p/100g). Slap bang in the middle, proudly claiming "NEW", are 266g packs for £1.50 (56.4p/100g).
And I'm quoting the actual price-per-100g actually listed on the shelf-ticket.
Funny, eh? Thought so.
/me munches most of the way through one of the three £1 packs that were bought. Already eyeing the second one, and trying to find out where to hide the third whilst otherwise distracted by the first two.
Post by: Kagus on April 25, 2018, 03:02:52 pm
This is, however... Sometimes inaccurate. Like the time I observed a 1kg bucket of pickled herring (yes, you can buy buckets of it) with a unit price of 35.90NOK, and a kilo price of... 94.47NOK.
Post by: Descan on April 25, 2018, 03:24:02 pm
Which would mean that that 1kg of pickled herring was only 38% pickled herring.
Those monsters.
... Pickled herring.
Post by: martinuzz on April 25, 2018, 03:24:30 pm
fakedit: ninja'd
Post by: Starver on April 25, 2018, 03:54:33 pm
Cheese blocks, also, and price-per-100ml vs a price-per-litre 10 times higher on liquids in identical cans/bottles/tetrapacks.
Doesn't matter too much, mostly. At least it's not price-per-oz versus price-per-lb versus price-per-stone, or fl.oz/pints/gallons.
Though I have spotted obvious errors, as well as mere conversion inconsistencies. A box of (frexample) six ?30?g cereal bars for a given price (the same for all flavoured variations) has been given price/120g (converted to each of 100g or 1kg base units, seemingly at random) correctly, except for one sub-brand where the data-entryer has thinkoed and made the system display the (converted) price/30g value, i.e. six times what it should be.
I even regularly mentioned one example of this to any nearby shelf-stacker/roaming-assistant/till-worker who looked open to a bit of smalltalk for several months regarding the actual product I'm half remembering just above (I don't religiously cross-compare my values for money, it just sometimes jumps out at me, and once I'd spotted this one I kept going back and checking it), and can only presume that there wasn't any simple way to pass on the information to the people sitting directly in front the stock-control computer. I thought about taking the offending label off of the shelf, correcting it in red pen and shoving it in a suggestions/feedback box (each and every time it invariably got replaced), but I didn't want to be anal about it. ;)
Post by: Kagus on April 25, 2018, 04:10:47 pm
Quote from: Descan
snip
Quote from: martinuzz
snipNope, neither... 1kg weight includes the brine and the onions, and the bucket was just plastic and not factored into the weight. It was simply a case someone not paying attention when plugging the numbers into the price display.
I'm pretty sure nobody actually reads the kilo price anyways, that would require much too much investment from the customer in our service-obsessed grocery culture. Remember that the major grocers in this country once removed bulk leeks from the produce aisle in favor of plastic-wrapped pre-packaged single leek stalks with the greens cut off... And called it a revolutionary leap in service and accommodation.
They got called out on it, hard, but it was wholly in character... You're legitimately not expected to look at what you're picking up, all quality control is to be handled by the store.
An ion tried to burgle a mansion, but he was too careful... Now he's a caution.
Post by: Descan on April 25, 2018, 04:53:07 pm
...
...cat burglar?
Post by: Kagus on April 26, 2018, 03:52:07 pm
was he a ...
...
...cat burglar?
No no, he was simply too cautious, so he became a caught ion.
Post by: TD1 on April 27, 2018, 09:47:23 am
Post by: Tawa on April 28, 2018, 09:27:23 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KittyTac on April 30, 2018, 02:18:09 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KittyTac on May 02, 2018, 12:56:48 am
Post by: Yoink on May 02, 2018, 05:38:23 am
Post by: TD1 on May 02, 2018, 06:21:26 am
..
Wrong thread?
Wait. Nevermind. Fret. Hah.
Post by: martinuzz on May 02, 2018, 06:22:56 am
Post by: wierd on May 02, 2018, 06:25:21 am
(Puts on "that guy" hat)
"Fret", as in guitar fret, used ironically with "fret", as in "worry."
Ok. time for an actually bad joke.
A rabbi, an atheist, and a new age hippy walk into a bar.
--They all say 'Ow!'
Post by: TD1 on May 02, 2018, 06:29:46 am
Post by: Sheb on May 08, 2018, 06:25:04 am
Confused, I looked over to my friend, asking him what the hell was going on.
My friend just shrugged. “It’s the thot that counts.”
Post by: Tomasque on May 08, 2018, 10:34:48 am
My friend hired a prostitute for my birthday. But when she arrived, she just sat in the corner, “one, two, three, four,” she trailed on.That reminds me of one:
Confused, I looked over to my friend, asking him what the hell was going on.
My friend just shrugged. “It’s the thot that counts.”
What do you call a prostitute named after a religious congregation?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Sheb on May 10, 2018, 07:05:47 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on May 10, 2018, 08:34:51 am
A good catholic who uses a proven contraception method is inconceivable!
Post by: Yoink on May 10, 2018, 08:59:40 am
My friend hired a prostitute for my birthday. But when she arrived, she just sat in the corner, “one, two, three, four,” she trailed on.The term "thot" just became worthwhile rather than annoying, purely for allowing that joke to be made. :))
Confused, I looked over to my friend, asking him what the hell was going on.
My friend just shrugged. “It’s the thot that counts.”
Post by: scourge728 on May 10, 2018, 10:47:50 am
Post by: TD1 on May 10, 2018, 10:52:33 am
Post by: Rolan7 on May 10, 2018, 12:29:19 pm
Post by: Rose on May 10, 2018, 01:25:51 pm
Post by: Kagus on May 10, 2018, 02:53:51 pm
It stands for that hoe over there.
Yeah, what he said. Listen to the married father of a young child on this one.
Also, all these jokes are awful. I'm proud of you.
Post by: Reelya on May 10, 2018, 03:26:26 pm
Post by: Rose on May 11, 2018, 02:01:57 am
It stands for that hoe over there.Yeah, what he said. Listen to the married father of a young child on this one.
Actually, I learned it from the Steven Universe subreddit.
Post by: deathpunch578 on May 14, 2018, 12:41:20 pm
because when they are on your legs they're called niece
Post by: Reelya on May 14, 2018, 09:38:22 pm
we should start calling elbows nephewsNiece legs you got there.
because when they are on your legs they're called niece
Post by: hector13 on May 14, 2018, 09:58:17 pm
Post by: Reelya on May 14, 2018, 10:22:46 pm
Post by: AzyWng on May 14, 2018, 10:31:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tawa on May 22, 2018, 11:26:15 am
Entirely my fault, this one.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on May 22, 2018, 01:24:19 pm
Post by: hector13 on May 23, 2018, 07:13:15 am
*ahem*
That was Sin-ful.
Post by: Tawa on May 23, 2018, 02:39:58 pm
Post by: hops on May 23, 2018, 06:46:16 pm
"Pearl? What's a thot?"It stands for that hoe over there.Yeah, what he said. Listen to the married father of a young child on this one.
Actually, I learned it from the Steven Universe subreddit.
"Amethyst. :^D"
Post by: Bumber on May 24, 2018, 04:21:28 am
My blood type is "B positive" which is at least, the least terrifying sounding blood type.Why you no get A+? Very disappointed!
I'm not sure where this should go, but it seems most fitting here.Explain?
Entirely my fault, this one.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Imic on May 24, 2018, 04:28:39 am
Meanwhile, there was a man who wanted to build a house out of 99 bricks. He went to the shop and said pwetty pwease, can I get 99 bwicks? and they said NO, YOU MUST PURCHASE BRICKS IN BOXES OF ONE HUNDERED. pwease? NO. plwease? NO.
So he bought 100 bricks, and he went home, and he built his house using 99 of them. Then, he took the final brock, and threw it behind him, as hard as he could.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
THUMP, crack, SQUACK!
A chicken with a brick lodged in it's skull.
Post by: Reelya on May 24, 2018, 04:41:33 am
Explain?
I had to google it myself, but Tidus of Zanarkand (which is named after the real city of Samarkand) is a character from Final Fantasy, that also has similar blonde hair. I don't know if anything else in the picture is relevant however, there could be more hints.
Post by: hector13 on May 24, 2018, 06:42:06 am
Post by: Bumber on May 24, 2018, 07:44:01 am
Jechtson, seeing as his dad is Jecht.That's the first thing I spotted, but I wasn't sure if it was the joke in all that mess. Not familiar enough with the game to know it appends "son" to names.
Post by: Tawa on May 24, 2018, 07:54:44 am
Post by: hector13 on May 24, 2018, 01:21:25 pm
Post by: Kagus on May 25, 2018, 05:16:52 pm
Post by: hops on May 25, 2018, 07:29:27 pm
At the height of their power, the strictly nomadic peoples of the Golden Horde conquered a vast number of holdings that later became known as the Wholly Roamin' Empire.Oh man, I'm 'prised.
Post by: Tawa on May 26, 2018, 10:38:56 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on May 29, 2018, 05:19:30 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: AzyWng on June 02, 2018, 09:45:49 am
Bag-dad. (http://Bag-dad.)
Post by: Reelya on June 02, 2018, 02:24:00 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on June 02, 2018, 02:34:22 pm
Which European city to children hate the most?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Clever. Not sure if it's a vegetable play on words, or a Belgian pedophilia joke.
Post by: pisskop on June 02, 2018, 06:08:22 pm
Post by: H4zardZ1 on June 03, 2018, 12:22:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on June 03, 2018, 04:14:03 am
Good jokes are to be appreciated,It’s not a joke if someone isn’t laughing.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on June 03, 2018, 04:29:14 am
Post by: milo christiansen on June 03, 2018, 08:54:33 am
We don't have government joke inspectors, yet. What do you think this is, theUSSRUK or something?
That is a bit too true to be funny... It's hilarious :P
Post by: Kagus on August 03, 2018, 05:30:24 am
"No," replies the carton, "soy milk".
Post by: a1s on August 06, 2018, 05:26:18 pm
"Vell," the old Jewish cowboy said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down da other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked "Oh, you know the Jewish -- they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jewish cowboy, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool. You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jewish cowboy holds up his hand and says "Oy! vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush."
Post by: scourge728 on August 07, 2018, 10:02:24 am
Post by: NJW2000 on August 07, 2018, 03:57:14 pm
Why did I have sex with my cousin in Germany?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on August 07, 2018, 04:03:02 pm
An elegantly concieved but nonetheless terrible joke:Should be careful with that, incestuous conceptions have a higher rate of birth defects.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KittyTac on August 07, 2018, 09:49:22 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on August 07, 2018, 10:20:17 pm
Post by: helmacon on August 08, 2018, 12:03:45 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rowanas on August 08, 2018, 07:18:12 am
What do you call a wondering nun?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If terrible only means terrible in conception rather than in execution, fine. Otherwise, you mean "wandering nun", not "wondering nun"
Post by: Kagus on August 08, 2018, 07:21:20 am
They could be wondering where they're going, however.What do you call a wondering nun?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If terrible only means terrible in conception rather than in execution, fine. Otherwise, you mean "wandering nun", not "wondering nun"
Spoiler: Why are nuns so predictable? (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on August 08, 2018, 04:43:12 pm
Post by: scourge728 on August 15, 2018, 11:06:20 am
Post by: EnigmaticHat on August 16, 2018, 01:14:49 am
An elegantly concieved but nonetheless terrible joke:Should be careful with that, incestuous conceptions have a higher rate of birth defects.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: not a joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on August 16, 2018, 01:23:18 am
*looks it up*
Your parent’s first cousin’s kid. So your... parent’s parent’s sibling’s child’s child. You share a direct relative (well, two) from three generations prior.
*shrugs* I have no idea what that means genetically.
Post by: Reelya on August 16, 2018, 06:54:14 am
*shrugs* I have no idea what that means genetically.
Spoiler: Explanation (click to show/hide)
As far as defects go, there are two competing effects. If too close, you're likely to get more defects due to doubling-up of defective genes. If too far, you're likely to get more defects due to having incompatible genes.
It turns out that there's a big spike of defects in the "very close" range then a gradual increase in defects further out. But around third cousins the graph is the lowest. That's the "sweet spot", statistically: People who have 2 great-great-grandparents in common.
Post by: Kagus on August 16, 2018, 02:56:21 pm
A bartender is tending his sleepy little bar in a sleepy little town in New England, when he notices a new face come in. Sitting himself on one of the barstools, the stranger proceeds to, in a very noticeable Irish accent, order two pints of Guinness.
The bartender serves him, and then observes as the man takes a sip from one glass, contemplates for a bit, and then takes a sip from the other glass; alternating back and forth between them until both glasses are empty. He then bids good night and leaves.
This pattern continues every week, with the man ordering two pints and then drinking them both in parallel. Eventually, after a few weeks of the same behavior, the bartender's curiosity finally gets the better of him.
"Hey, no offense or anything, but I have to ask... Every week you come in here, and do the same thing with ordering two beers at once and then drinking from one then the other... Is there some special reason you do that or what?"
The Irishman looks up and says "Ah... Y'see, back in Ireland, me and my brother would always head 'round to the pub together on nights like these, have us a pint and talk about old times. Since I came here, I've been ordering two glasses so's I could still drink with him despite being apart. Keeps me from getting too homesick."
His question answered, the bartender goes back to minding his own business.
The Irishman comes back the next week, and the ritual continues as before. Then, several weeks later, the man comes back to the bar on a particularly gloomy evening, and orders a single pint of Guinness.
The bartender, realizing what's happened, gives the man some space to drink alone for a while. When he's about finished his glass, the bartender then comes over and says in a somber tone "Listen, I don't mean to intrude or anything, but I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry about your brother."
The Irishman looks very confused, then an expression of relief and amusement crosses his face. Laughing, he says "Oh nah, brother's fine! It's just that I've quit drinking!"
Post by: Rolan7 on August 19, 2018, 01:43:18 pm
So I was catching up in a webcomic, and found the following in the top of the comment section (http://www.dumbingofage.com/2018/comic/book-8/03-faz-is-great/handmedown/).
Quote from: Junebugs April 1, 2018 at 2:33 am
You are a language criminal. And you belong in word jail. >[
Quote from: HeySo April 1, 2018 at 3:52 am
Edit: From https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2014/01/24/sagacity
“word jail”
I hear they really watch their language there.
I hear they keep to a really punctual schedule there.
I hear the sentences they give out really run on.
I hear you have to be careful with your attitude, or the guards will leave you dealing with a com(m)a.
I hear they keep trying to imprison Larry Bird. Y’know, ’cause Bird is the word.
I hear that the only thing they serve in the prison is alphabet soup.
I hear..
Quote from: Neuroskeptic / January 2014
Word Jail, to me, implies a jail for actual words. "We've got you now, 'sheeple'. You'll do fifty years for your crimes."
Post by: Reelya on August 19, 2018, 08:20:11 pm
I really like that one!Word Jail puts a full stop on your life, period.
So I was catching up in a webcomic, and found the following in the top of the comment section (http://www.dumbingofage.com/2018/comic/book-8/03-faz-is-great/handmedown/).Quote from: Junebugs April 1, 2018 at 2:33 amYou are a language criminal. And you belong in word jail. >[Quote from: HeySo April 1, 2018 at 3:52 amEdit: From https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2014/01/24/sagacity
“word jail”
I hear they really watch their language there.
I hear they keep to a really punctual schedule there.
I hear the sentences they give out really run on.
I hear you have to be careful with your attitude, or the guards will leave you dealing with a com(m)a.
I hear they keep trying to imprison Larry Bird. Y’know, ’cause Bird is the word.
I hear that the only thing they serve in the prison is alphabet soup.
I hear..Quote from: Neuroskeptic / January 2014Word Jail, to me, implies a jail for actual words. "We've got you now, 'sheeple'. You'll do fifty years for your crimes."
When entering Word Jail they check you haven't smuggled anything up your colon.
The wardens at Word Jail read every letter before it's allowed in.
In Word Jail they really throw the book at you.
Language criminals can be sentenced to capital punishment.
Word Jail is literally and figuratively the worst.
Post by: martinuzz on August 30, 2018, 03:10:09 pm
Post by: AzyWng on August 31, 2018, 10:56:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hanslanda on September 02, 2018, 01:04:59 pm
Spoiler: Graphic! (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on September 02, 2018, 01:11:36 pm
Well I'm going to probably offend someone with this but I made it up and it must be shared.Your assumption was correct. I'll have you know that a great many Bay Watchers are deeply offended by graphic content, hence their love for Dwarf Fortress.Spoiler: Graphic! (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hanslanda on September 02, 2018, 01:32:33 pm
Post by: Ziusudra on September 02, 2018, 07:17:42 pm
Post by: NJW2000 on September 02, 2018, 07:29:17 pm
Post by: Hanslanda on September 02, 2018, 08:09:50 pm
I'd say it's more of a Way Too Grim style joke than an anti-joke, but it works as both.
I thought it was a Dark joke but I could have been underestimating it
Post by: hector13 on September 02, 2018, 08:36:00 pm
One day Jeff noticed a small poster on the window as he entered, shaking him from his automatic pilot reverie. A local boxer was offering to allow people to hit him for charity. He was raising money for a support group for veterans failed by the state. The event was to happen the very next day, during his daily sojourn for his sugary goodness.
The day game, and he saw what must be the stall for the generous pugilist. There was presently nobody kind enough, perhaps sadistic enough to assault the kindly-looking man for altruistic purposes. Once more shaken from his near fugue state by a sudden change to his daily routine, he engaged the candyman in conversation.
“How well has the young man done, collecting funds for the lonely veterans by allowing people to punch him?”
It was then that the sweet shop owner ruined the rest of his day:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on September 02, 2018, 08:45:57 pm
Post by: Kagus on September 04, 2018, 09:41:14 am
I think I'm being blackmailed.
The FBI provided me with a fake door as part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection program.
I scraped my knee up pretty badly a few days ago, but I used an old traditional cure of spreading margarine on the wound before letting it heal.
I can't believe it's not better.
Post by: TheBeardyMan on September 06, 2018, 05:25:12 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hanslanda on September 06, 2018, 06:24:27 pm
Post by: KittyTac on October 02, 2018, 10:07:04 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Reelya on October 02, 2018, 12:57:55 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Hanslanda on October 02, 2018, 01:00:57 pm
He said he'd rather hang around.
Post by: hops on October 03, 2018, 08:22:26 pm
What's the funniest molecule?Shame that you'd instantly get flash frozen if you're near it.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: WealthyRadish on October 04, 2018, 09:22:19 pm
...
The governor thought things were fine from his office, but he started to question his assumptions when he went into the field and couldn't find unity.
...
I told her it was a mistake to build her life piecewise, and she replied that I shouldn't try to differentiate.
...
An applicant asked how I could possibly justify the logistics in this bureaucracy, and I said that if they're really curious it's all right there in the normal form.
...
If life is just a series of mistakes, his looks divergent.
...
She kept snooping around the plant looking for evidence of adulteration in our goods, and I said she'd find nothing learning the additive identity.
Post by: Reelya on October 04, 2018, 09:41:33 pm
If life is just a series of mistakes, his looks divergent.
There's no limit to your humor.
He said I couldn't see things from his perspective, and I said that's affine thing for you to say.
Post by: WealthyRadish on October 04, 2018, 10:03:49 pm
Post by: Kagus on October 08, 2018, 07:45:39 am
Yo' mama's so fat, her phone number has two area codes.
Yo' mama's so fat, Luke Skywalker fucked her in the ass.
Post by: Rowanas on October 08, 2018, 08:31:33 am
Time to lower the bar!
Yo' mama's so fat, her phone number has two area codes.
Yo' mama's so fat, Luke Skywalker fucked her in the ass.
Your mother's so fat, I rolled over twice and I was STILL on top of her!
Post by: Culise on October 08, 2018, 10:32:24 pm
Two souls ascending to heaven passed a mountain, where they saw two eagles flying. "Ah, eagles," one soul said to the other. The eagles, to be polite, said nothing.
Post by: Starver on October 09, 2018, 02:14:52 am
That's not terrible. Though I now have visions of it being told at a funeral service by a vicar. (I imagine mine will be orated by something of a secular equivalent, if any, so may be a far more inappropriate joke. *makes notes*)
Post by: Reelya on October 09, 2018, 05:33:31 am
Time to lower the bar!
Yo' mama's so fat, her phone number has two area codes.
Yo' mama's so fat, Luke Skywalker fucked her in the ass.
Your mother's so fat, I rolled over twice and I was STILL on top of her!
This is bay12, we should be more creative with the yo momma jokes
Yo momma so fat that the Japanese space agency tried to land a rover on her ass.
Post by: Rowanas on October 09, 2018, 07:29:34 am
Time to lower the bar!
Yo' mama's so fat, her phone number has two area codes.
Yo' mama's so fat, Luke Skywalker fucked her in the ass.
Your mother's so fat, I rolled over twice and I was STILL on top of her!
This is bay12, we should be more creative with the yo momma jokes
Yo momma so fat that the Japanese space agency tried to land a rover on her ass.
More creative in Bay12? Fine.
Your mother's so fat, she still only takes up one tile.
Your mother's so fat, her fatness values are 0:0:0:0:100.
Post by: TD1 on October 09, 2018, 09:28:18 am
Post by: hector13 on October 09, 2018, 10:49:12 am
Post by: Kagus on October 09, 2018, 11:09:21 am
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on October 09, 2018, 11:52:22 am
An old one I was reminded of for some odd reason.I don't get it. "Ah, souls" doesn't sound impolite.
Two souls ascending to heaven passed a mountain, where they saw two eagles flying. "Ah, eagles," one soul said to the other. The eagles, to be polite, said nothing.
Did you hear about the bird that stole a snack from the beach? It was a bay gull.
Post by: hector13 on October 09, 2018, 01:36:13 pm
An old one I was reminded of for some odd reason.I don't get it. "Ah, souls" doesn't sound impolite.
Two souls ascending to heaven passed a mountain, where they saw two eagles flying. "Ah, eagles," one soul said to the other. The eagles, to be polite, said nothing.
I... think I see what you did there?
Post by: Rolan7 on October 09, 2018, 01:53:23 pm
Post by: Kagus on October 09, 2018, 01:55:57 pm
I don't get the original joke ):That is the original joke.
Post by: Starver on October 09, 2018, 01:57:41 pm
PPE: Ninjaed
(I don't get whether Doze actually got it. It was either a well-played response, or a funny 'found joke' that it hadn't been. Either's good. Edit: which means none of the above is terrible!)
Post by: Rolan7 on October 09, 2018, 02:09:21 pm
I just kept wondering if I missed a pun or something. Kept trying to interpret "Ah, souls" as something, just like Dozebôm.
So it's like my "Rope joke" from Boy Scouts, which I'm sure I'm shared before. A skit I did with my best friend, before a crowd of all the assembled parents, our own included:
Friend: *messing with a rope*
Me: *Walk on stage* "Hey, what are you doing?"
Friend: "Tying a knot"
Me: "That's dumb." *exeunt*
It *looks* low effort, but I don't think that was our intention. Most people were copying scripts their parents found online (this was the 90's, we were literally like 12). We wanted to do something different than yet another Happy Fun Ball take. We wanted to go meta.
The awkward forced applause from the parents was our punchline. And maybe that's mean, but we were kids.
In retrospect I may have also been frustrated with the very concept of knot-tying, which always escaped me beyond the most basic ones. But I'm pretty sure that Death of the Author applies here because I am a different person.
Who still cannot tie knots, and sometimes goes out with guys.
Post by: Starver on October 09, 2018, 02:24:14 pm
/to make the loud guffaws
As to your rope trick: Cue Milligan. Or Q... Milligan (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Q..._(TV_series)) and cast facing and starting to move towards the fourth wall:
Quote
What are we gonna do now?
What are we gonna do now?
What are we gonna do now..?
Post by: NJW2000 on October 09, 2018, 03:41:26 pm
Ah, so it was thread-appropriate :P
I just kept wondering if I missed a pun or something. Kept trying to interpret "Ah, souls" as something, just like Dozebôm.
Keep trying :P
Post by: Starver on October 09, 2018, 03:55:59 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on October 09, 2018, 04:01:43 pm
I finally got it, thanks!Ah, so it was thread-appropriate :P
I just kept wondering if I missed a pun or something. Kept trying to interpret "Ah, souls" as something, just like Dozebôm.
Keep trying :P
The issue was dialect. And the abstraction of "Did they mean 'ah, souls'? What would that mean?"
Post by: Starver on October 09, 2018, 04:13:30 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on October 09, 2018, 04:24:32 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on October 09, 2018, 04:38:27 pm
I think if I'd have tried a gnarly crack like that out on some old uni friends, I'd have wrecked 'em with laughter. No ifs, no buts.
Glad you got the keys t'the humour so you could finally see it. Hope it wasn't just me fundementally scraping the bottom of the barrel as much as I could dare, 'ere. Sorry, is that a stern look? Pish tush, please don't mind my prattling on!
(Bad puns. Buns!)
Post by: Hanslanda on October 09, 2018, 05:04:49 pm
Post by: Rose on October 09, 2018, 10:51:18 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on October 19, 2018, 04:04:04 am
Turns out she had a nut allergy.
Post by: Rolan7 on October 19, 2018, 10:13:45 am
Post by: Reelya on October 19, 2018, 06:48:47 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on October 19, 2018, 07:04:35 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on October 20, 2018, 02:25:09 am
I was going to start discussing DND spellcasting vs combat then realized what thread this is. So, ugh.
Heh, why let it being the wrong thread stop you? Derails are traditional.
Post by: Kagus on October 20, 2018, 04:07:22 am
And DND is just a terrible joke anyways, so it's allowed.I was going to start discussing DND spellcasting vs combat then realized what thread this is. So, ugh.
Heh, why let it being the wrong thread stop you? Derails are traditional.
[Equips flame-retardant suit]
Post by: Reelya on October 20, 2018, 04:19:47 am
Post by: Egan_BW on October 20, 2018, 04:26:48 am
Post by: Kagus on October 20, 2018, 04:29:45 am
Well, the show is relevant to the thread, at least.[Canned laughter violently erupts]
[An old man loses his hat]
[A child weeps]
Post by: George_Chickens on October 21, 2018, 09:09:19 am
Yep, that's why The Big Bang Theory has a laugh track after merely mentioning DND. Wow, don't we all love The Big Bang Theory. Fun times had by all.Hey Reelya
Reelya
Reelya
BAZINGA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Post by: Rose on October 23, 2018, 09:29:36 pm
Especially after everybody started comparing me to sheldon.
Post by: Kagus on October 25, 2018, 05:07:34 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on October 25, 2018, 07:25:26 am
Post by: Starver on October 25, 2018, 07:56:58 am
Post by: Arx on October 25, 2018, 07:58:20 am
Hah, that joke's a classic.
Okay, this is epic.
Post by: Rolan7 on October 25, 2018, 09:54:45 am
It's all Greek to me...Odd I see it as English
Post by: Starver on October 25, 2018, 10:53:39 am
Ρεαλλψ στρανγε... Ι δον'τ.It's all Greek to me...Odd I see it as English
Post by: Yoink on October 28, 2018, 10:49:21 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magistrum on October 30, 2018, 01:54:42 pm
Post by: Kagus on October 30, 2018, 02:11:47 pm
I wonder if we can make it more offensive somehow?Introduce the joke by saying a Paki told it to you.
Post by: TD1 on October 30, 2018, 02:45:55 pm
Post by: Magistrum on October 30, 2018, 03:39:41 pm
Post by: Kagus on October 30, 2018, 03:42:34 pm
I still don't feel it... It lacks Jews.The man was just checking to see if the child was circumcised.
Post by: Magistrum on October 30, 2018, 03:54:10 pm
Quote from: Crazy people
There's this joke a paki told me while chortling to himself in German over a Israeli-Palestinian gay couple, that went:You actually did it.
Why did the Indian pedophile go to the doctor? He'd been feeling a little sikh.
Now, don't take it the wrong way, he was just checking if he was circumcised.
Serves me right, don't bluff the internet.
Post by: Imic on November 01, 2018, 02:18:39 am
Post by: Yoink on November 03, 2018, 04:05:18 am
Quote from: A friend's Facebook post
Asians are so bad at driving I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
Congratulations are in order; You have succeeded in concocting a sentance which could be described using every defenition of the word terrible known to Human kind.I'm... proud. I think?
Post by: redwallzyl on November 06, 2018, 10:55:00 am
Post by: Hanslanda on November 06, 2018, 10:56:33 am
They ordered a sausage pizza but only got a plane.
Post by: scourge728 on November 06, 2018, 09:45:20 pm
Did you hear about the hipster bodybuilder? He got washboard abs so he could clean his clothes.
Post by: TD1 on November 07, 2018, 08:17:55 am
She tried ironing her shirt. While she was wearing it.
Post by: Dozebôm Lolumzalìs on November 09, 2018, 11:59:57 am
Spoiler: punchline (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on November 10, 2018, 06:03:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on November 10, 2018, 06:10:15 pm
What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?One fears for their stake in the polls, the other fears for a Pole with a stake.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Culise on November 10, 2018, 11:57:28 pm
Post by: TD1 on November 11, 2018, 08:50:17 am
On the other hand, the "tick" bit does explain Nick (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Clegg) Clegg (https://www.scotslanguage.com/articles/view/id/4801).
Post by: Starver on November 11, 2018, 09:08:58 am
Post by: Culise on November 11, 2018, 12:56:27 pm
Fresh delivery of frogs for dissection, right here.
Post by: Loud Whispers on November 11, 2018, 01:02:20 pm
What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?One is content with only ruining the lives of individualsSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on November 23, 2018, 06:11:04 am
On the entry for November 22nd, the subtitle gives the following precis of the day's content:
"Young people's mental health; Underwear; Student deposits"
Post by: Kagus on November 23, 2018, 09:48:30 am
On the entry for November 22nd, the subtitle gives the following precis of the day's content:Shocking! What Happens Next Will MAKE YOU LITERALLY SHIT YOURSELF.
"Young people's mental health; Underwear; Student deposits"
Post by: Kagus on December 11, 2018, 07:30:37 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I recently managed to forcibly inflict a terrible joke on some otherwise pleasant conversation last weekend... There was a group of us sitting around a table eating cake, and this big Irish fellow was ensuring that this incredibly rag-tag collection of nationalities at the table were all aware of what a Tijuana donkey show was (in order to lead up to the old punchline of "and the worst part is, they make them do it even if the donkey doesn't find the lady attractive!"). I made a quick interjection.
"Donkey shows are one thing, but have you ever seen a donkey hide?"
"A what? Like, a hide-and-seek hide?"
"Yeah."
"...No, no I haven't."
"That's because they're very good at it."
I call mah dog 'Scooter', cuz the harder you kick, the faster he goes!
Post by: Yoink on December 19, 2018, 10:53:04 pm
Quote from: some idiot on facebook
I just found out they made a book about clock fetishes
It's about fucking time
Post by: a1s on December 20, 2018, 11:13:25 am
Here's one:
Quote
Some people might be dead set against it, but it should be looked into.QuoteThe process must be as transparent as possibleQuoteclearlyQuoteWill transparent coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.this post will get buried
Post by: Kagus on December 21, 2018, 03:37:56 am
One is walking down the sidewalk, the other is flying a plane.
Post by: a1s on December 26, 2018, 03:55:34 am
Post by: Iduno on December 26, 2018, 01:48:18 pm
I was driving back home along the highway yesterday, and saw an otherwise boring sign: "No Semis." It was notable this time however, as it was posted outside of a store that sold "Adult Merchandise." That made the 10+ hour drive back worth it.
For those who don't understand the slang here:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on December 26, 2018, 02:16:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magistrum on December 26, 2018, 04:36:22 pm
Post by: Dutrius on December 31, 2018, 03:40:36 pm
He orders a beer.
He orders two beers.
He orders "two" beers.
He orders 0 beers.
He orders 1.1 beers.
He orders 18446744073709551616 beers.
He orders -1 beers.
The barkeeper takes exception to all this and kicks him
Post by: Culise on December 31, 2018, 04:00:46 pm
A programmer walks into a bar.Actual customer enters the bar, asks where the bathroom is. The entire bar spontaneously bursts into flames.
He orders a beer.
He orders two beers.
He orders "two" beers.
He orders 0 beers.
He orders 1.1 beers.
He orders 18446744073709551616 beers.
He orders -1 beers.
The barkeeper takes exception to all this and kicks himto desktopout.
Post by: Rolan7 on December 31, 2018, 04:10:40 pm
Bartender hides several spilled liquor bottles. "Hardwood problem."A programmer walks into a bar.Actual customer enters the bar, asks where the bathroom is. The entire bar spontaneously bursts into flames.
He orders a beer.
He orders two beers.
He orders "two" beers.
He orders 0 beers.
He orders 1.1 beers.
He orders 18446744073709551616 beers.
He orders -1 beers.
The barkeeper takes exception to all this and kicks himto desktopout.
Post by: overseer05-15 on January 01, 2019, 03:20:38 pm
It's a salad foundation.
Post by: Hanslanda on January 01, 2019, 03:23:11 pm
Post by: TD1 on January 01, 2019, 03:33:02 pm
Post by: Starver on January 01, 2019, 08:13:25 pm
Post by: overseer05-15 on January 01, 2019, 09:00:51 pm
'Cos why not?
I think it's a sine.
Post by: hector13 on January 01, 2019, 09:32:22 pm
Post by: Kagus on January 02, 2019, 08:08:09 am
Post by: smjjames on January 02, 2019, 11:41:45 pm
When religion is disorganized, it therefore comes from local community and personal feelings rather than monolithic organizations. That seems like the optimal way to address feelings about the universe. It's what has always happened anyway, with local members of widespread religions interpreting said religion through their local cultural beliefs.
Religious leaders hate that, of course, and try to stomp it out. Threats to their control are "heresy", like Catharism.
Even the most selfless and enlightened religious leaders are trying to invent general solutions for diverse individual spiritualities. It's an impossible and unnecessary problem even without all the temptations of power.
The pun: Maybe because it wasn't Cathartic?
Post by: Starver on January 12, 2019, 12:14:06 am
* I have a strong suspicion it was one of the many tales told in a book called "The Book Of Heroic Failures" (this precise cover (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Heroic-Failures-Official-Handbook/dp/0708819087/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2ZK00M4R7BA2E5KK31BP)) which I doubtless still possess nearly 40 years later, somewhere in a box of books of a heap of books or a heap of book-boxes. Whether it passes a Snopes-like sniff test for veracity, I couldn't say.
Post by: Rose on January 13, 2019, 08:53:15 pm
Post by: Kagus on January 14, 2019, 05:52:40 pm
That's not something I needed to think about.
Post by: TD1 on January 14, 2019, 06:21:23 pm
Probably because he ate you, but whatever.
Post by: overseer05-15 on January 15, 2019, 12:35:56 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on January 19, 2019, 07:42:53 am
Post by: Egan_BW on January 19, 2019, 09:22:38 pm
Post by: Starver on January 19, 2019, 09:25:13 pm
Post by: Kagus on January 24, 2019, 09:19:21 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: overseer05-15 on January 24, 2019, 01:25:20 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on January 24, 2019, 06:01:10 pm
Post by: TD1 on January 24, 2019, 06:23:04 pm
Post by: Starver on January 24, 2019, 06:41:41 pm
Post by: hector13 on January 24, 2019, 07:25:44 pm
Post by: pikachu17 on January 24, 2019, 08:25:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on January 25, 2019, 10:44:43 am
Post by: overseer05-15 on January 25, 2019, 12:26:34 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on January 25, 2019, 12:34:14 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on January 25, 2019, 02:01:39 pm
Post by: a1s on January 25, 2019, 04:43:32 pm
I heard that some people don't use Darkling /jokeFilthy casuals.
Post by: hector13 on January 25, 2019, 05:26:30 pm
Well, Darkling is the default for the upperboards, whereas the... better one is the default for the lowerboards.I heard that some people don't use Darkling /jokeFilthy casuals.
Post by: Culise on January 25, 2019, 10:30:18 pm
Well, Darkling is the default for the upperboards, whereas the... better one is the default for the lowerboards.I heard that some people don't use Darkling /jokeFilthy casuals.
Post by: Bumber on January 26, 2019, 02:20:54 am
Less of a joke and more of a funny prank I thought of, but it seemed like it'd fit hereThis one's better:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (http://) (click to show/hide)
Compare to the real thing:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It seems adding a link automatically makes the color match, in addition to the hover over effect. If you wanted, you could have a working link to somewhere else.
Post by: crazyabe on January 26, 2019, 02:43:04 am
Spoiler (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on January 26, 2019, 03:15:07 am
Post by: overseer05-15 on January 26, 2019, 04:13:10 am
It's like Darkling Souls.I heard that some people don't use Darkling /jokeFilthy casuals.
Post by: milo christiansen on January 26, 2019, 02:22:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Changed size to 1.1em for perfect trolling.
Post by: Kagus on January 26, 2019, 03:52:56 pm
Post by: hector13 on January 26, 2019, 03:56:15 pm
Post by: Kagus on January 26, 2019, 04:04:34 pm
There’s a lot going on there.That's what she said.
Post by: TD1 on January 27, 2019, 07:13:09 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Loud Whispers on January 27, 2019, 08:23:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on January 28, 2019, 10:19:42 am
It was all stollen!
Post by: Culise on January 28, 2019, 08:46:08 pm
Quote from: The Annotated Pratchett
"I'm into homosexual necrophilia," said Tom in dead earnest.
Post by: Kagus on February 01, 2019, 06:49:35 am
EDIT: Q: How much of the world's currency is counterfeit?
A: Nearly all of it, only Brazil has the real.
Post by: overseer05-15 on February 03, 2019, 12:11:23 am
It was exhausted.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on February 03, 2019, 01:49:26 pm
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?A motorcycle would more easily be exhausted.
It was exhausted.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on February 03, 2019, 02:08:06 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: TD1 on February 03, 2019, 04:09:18 pm
Post by: overseer05-15 on February 04, 2019, 02:08:29 am
Nietzsche joke.
God is dead, jesus is bread
(he is risen)
Post by: redwallzyl on February 04, 2019, 04:01:34 pm
The Father, the son, and the Holy Toast.Nietzsche joke.
God is dead, jesus is bread
(he is risen)
Post by: methylatedspirit on February 07, 2019, 11:44:39 am
A baby is born in a hospital.
The doctor asks the woman to give her child a name.
The woman responds, "Cheeseburger."
The doctor says, "Would you like fries with that?"
Yes, I thought that was hilarious.
I'm glad those days of shoehorning objects into arbitrary structures, and thinking that the result was good enough to show others, are over.
Post by: Bumber on February 07, 2019, 11:55:52 am
I'm glad those days of shoehorning objects into arbitrary structures, and thinking that the result was good enough to show others, are over.Now you can show the result to others knowing it's not good enough! Oh, how things change!
Post by: methylatedspirit on February 07, 2019, 12:27:58 pm
Post by: Kagus on February 10, 2019, 04:26:01 am
Step 2: Gently place two slices of artificial melon on the rice
Step 3: Present.
Voilà; Jessica Nigiri.
Post by: Baffler on February 11, 2019, 05:27:26 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on February 14, 2019, 09:45:25 am
A: When it's ajar.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: overseer05-15 on February 15, 2019, 12:58:54 am
Post by: a1s on February 15, 2019, 04:24:35 pm
Q: Why didn't the British give Israel to Jews after World War I (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balfour_Declaration)?
A: Because Palestine was mandatory (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandatory_Palestine).
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Loud Whispers on February 15, 2019, 05:58:19 pm
Hitler: Knock knock
Goering: Who's there
Hitler: Tojo
Goering: Tojo who
Hitler: Tojo he would bomb pearl harbour
Post by: Kagus on February 23, 2019, 04:01:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT: Found a sign that was advertising a local restaurant's V-Day special.
Quote
Valentine's Day Special!
Bring your girlfriend and get 10% off!
Bring your wife and get 15% off!
Bring both and eat for free!
Post by: Adragis on February 25, 2019, 05:29:17 am
Post by: Kagus on February 25, 2019, 09:39:42 pm
A lover, a hater, a fighter, a coward, a hero, a villain, a man and a monster.
The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"
And I say "No, I'm just getting lunch. But I hear that a lot".
Post by: MrRoboto75 on February 25, 2019, 11:35:59 pm
[quote from the Minecraft joke book]
he was destroyed!
Post by: Adragis on February 26, 2019, 06:59:46 am
[quote from the Minecraft joke book]
he was destroyed!
Kaboom!
Post by: TD1 on February 26, 2019, 07:01:44 am
Post by: hector13 on February 26, 2019, 07:34:18 am
Post by: Bumber on February 26, 2019, 05:23:18 pm
▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒
▒██▒▒██▒
▒██▒▒██▒
▒▒▒██▒▒▒
▒▒████▒▒
▒▒█▒▒█▒▒
Post by: TD1 on February 26, 2019, 05:44:30 pm
Post by: Adragis on February 27, 2019, 03:18:01 am
It doesn't matter - he will be blown to smithereens!
~our lord and saviour, the minecraft joke book
Post by: methylatedspirit on February 27, 2019, 05:31:03 am
What is the integral of f(x)= u'wu + uw'u + uwu' with respect to x?
uwu
Post by: a1s on February 27, 2019, 01:25:14 pm
What is the integral of f(x)= u'wu + uw'u + uwu' with respect to x?not really, unless you meant linear fubctions of x, in which case it's
uwu
uwu + c
Post by: methylatedspirit on February 27, 2019, 05:21:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on February 27, 2019, 05:38:15 pm
Spoiler: Topical to that, fresh out today: (click to show/hide)
Post by: Zanzetkuken The Great on February 27, 2019, 06:45:46 pm
Spoiler: Heard This Exceptionally Horrible Joke (click to show/hide)
Post by: Adragis on February 27, 2019, 08:32:04 pm
Spoiler: Heard This Exceptionally Horrible Joke (click to show/hide)
u h o h s p a g h e t t i o
Post by: Iduno on March 04, 2019, 10:05:58 am
What's the square root of 69?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Egan_BW on March 04, 2019, 10:17:34 am
Post by: Rolan7 on March 04, 2019, 10:21:17 am
Spoiler: I had to look it up (click to show/hide)
A wizard threw a fireball for 86 damage, but the fighter saved for half. How much did he take?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Egan_BW on March 04, 2019, 10:30:48 am
Post by: Rolan7 on March 04, 2019, 10:33:19 am
Post by: Iduno on March 04, 2019, 11:38:19 am
Congrats, you made me do an exasperated sigh out loud.
It's accurate as well as a stupid pun. Win-win.
Post by: Kagus on March 06, 2019, 11:19:30 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dutrius on March 07, 2019, 09:07:05 am
Post by: Starver on March 07, 2019, 10:57:43 am
My cells ceased to function meaningfully, and they had to throw out the photographic developer fluids.
Post by: Kagus on March 11, 2019, 07:11:33 pm
The Finnish bartender friend of mine has developed a sudden interest in chess, as she's effectively never played it before. I had about 9-10 games to my name at the time, so I clearly had the experience and mastery required to teach her the tricks of the trade.
Anyways, we were playing a game, and it was clear that I was in the winning stretch. I'd whittled down her side to the king and three pawns, while I still had my queen and two rooks. We'd also gotten onto the subject of horrible, cheesy jokes and pickup lines.
I surveyed the board, noted that nothing stood in the way of my strategy, and said "Right, yeah, there's that one where... What do you call a Czechoslovakian husband?"
She looks at me quizzically. Her friend does the same.
I move my queen into position.
"A Czech mate".
Post by: Peterbo on March 12, 2019, 11:41:09 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Culise on March 12, 2019, 06:58:45 pm
Bartender asks, "What'll you have?"
A tachyon walks into a bar.
Post by: Kagus on March 12, 2019, 07:58:47 pm
Post by: scourge728 on March 12, 2019, 09:08:07 pm
Post by: Peterbo on March 15, 2019, 07:53:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
By the way, newbie here as well. Aside from being a video games enthusiast, I'm also a critter-lovin' guy. I live with my Pomeranian, Jim. Whenever I'm outdoors, I usually walk my dog in the park, though as a precaution, I'd fit him with one of those dog shock collars (http://www.petstreetmall.com/Shock-Collars.aspx), as he tends to wander off most of the time. So, that's me. Have a nice day, everyone!
Post by: Kagus on March 16, 2019, 01:21:57 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Something about that sentence is familiar, but I can't quite tell what or where I would have heard any of itDunno man, maybe we've just had similar thoughts? Or maybe I heard it or something like it a long time ago, and have forgotten enough of it that I now think I'm the original creator? Hard to say.
Post by: spazyak on March 16, 2019, 01:26:31 pm
Post by: pisskop on March 17, 2019, 03:55:15 pm
Post by: Starver on March 17, 2019, 06:43:24 pm
(Edited to get rid of some clumsy phrasing. Though probably still worth the following groan¹...)
((¹ That's what she said!))
Post by: TD1 on March 17, 2019, 06:47:35 pm
Post by: pikachu17 on March 21, 2019, 03:26:50 pm
A hippo-crit!
Post by: Kagus on March 24, 2019, 01:04:17 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: McTraveller on March 24, 2019, 02:22:26 pm
"This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the previous two put together."
(EDIT: I messed up the wording slightly. Fixed now.)
Post by: Kagus on March 29, 2019, 09:42:41 am
Post by: Rolan7 on March 29, 2019, 01:26:40 pm
Post by: itisnotlogical on April 05, 2019, 09:15:33 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on April 11, 2019, 04:45:24 pm
I have just accomplished the feat of transcribing my entire MP3 collection onto a modulated groove etched as an inward spiral upon a large shellac disk with a hole in the middle.
Is this a record?
Post by: Kagus on April 16, 2019, 03:58:25 am
What's harder than burying a dead baby?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Egan_BW on April 16, 2019, 04:09:30 am
Post by: TD1 on April 16, 2019, 05:30:43 am
Well that was predicktable.ftfy
Post by: Rolan7 on April 16, 2019, 10:44:04 am
Post by: pisskop on April 17, 2019, 06:01:22 am
Post by: Iduno on April 17, 2019, 11:53:31 am
Contributing: I considered getting into Fortnite, but don't have that kind of time.
Someone make an actual good joke out of that.
Post by: Kagus on April 17, 2019, 12:08:39 pm
Post by: hector13 on April 17, 2019, 01:24:58 pm
Post by: TD1 on April 17, 2019, 03:02:07 pm
Post by: pisskop on April 17, 2019, 03:16:31 pm
Post by: hector13 on April 17, 2019, 03:16:57 pm
Post by: pisskop on April 17, 2019, 03:20:11 pm
is it a moon joke?
Post by: hector13 on April 17, 2019, 03:22:33 pm
It’s dark at night and a castle is a fort. Kinda.
Post by: Starver on April 17, 2019, 05:00:29 pm
Who's there?
Me
Oh nice. Haven't seen you in a while. Come on in and have a beer.
Post by: TD1 on April 17, 2019, 05:15:45 pm
Who's there?
Knock knock.
I said, "who's there?!?!"
*Walter White shakes his head on the other side of the door.*
Knock knock.
Post by: methylatedspirit on April 20, 2019, 09:26:53 pm
Post by: pisskop on April 21, 2019, 12:03:48 am
Post by: smjjames on April 30, 2019, 10:28:35 am
Back to politics, Betsy Devos is the actual fucking satan devil (https://www.cbsnews.com/news/student-loan-relief-for-public-servants-many-apply-few-are-accepted/) and I'll fight everyone on that.
Hehe, betcha think ye'r funny. (https://apnews.com/54b8fb5b14ad42de9c2a8c2235ad324e)
Give him a week to figure out how to bill separated families for daycare. Because, obviously, refugee jail is just summer camp.
Its a summer camp to help those with ADD. A concentration camp, if you will.
Bad joke, come on man. XD
Post by: Iduno on April 30, 2019, 12:59:45 pm
Kind of like the "What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves (the guy who played Superman in the movies)?" joke from however many years ago.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's poking fun at what would be a tragedy if it didn't happen to a rich person, but the homophones make for a decent pun. Although by now it's stopped being timely.
Post by: hector13 on April 30, 2019, 01:48:08 pm
For a given definition of funny, I guess.
Post by: TheBeardyMan on May 08, 2019, 05:52:05 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on May 14, 2019, 03:53:57 am
Post by: Arx on May 14, 2019, 03:56:16 am
My wife and I are celebrating our Tachyon anniversary, we were married next year!
I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn't like it.
Post by: pikachu17 on May 14, 2019, 01:13:19 pm
The officer asks "Did you know were moving at 90 M.P.H?"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Arx on May 14, 2019, 01:52:17 pm
Werner Heisenberg is driving his car when he is stopped by a police officer.
The officer asks "Did you know were moving at 90 M.P.H?"Spoiler (click to show/hide)
There is a great, allegedly true, story about one of the professors in my university's physics department, revolving around this joke.
Said professor was slightly drunk and exceeding the speed limit, when he was stopped by a police officer. For whatever reason, whether just to lighten the mood or in a genuine (really weak) effort to avoid the ticket, the professor complained that he couldn't know how fast he was going without losing track of where he was.
The police officer replied, deadpan and in a thick Afrikaans accent (replace with your local stereotypical country bumpkin accent): "You, sir, are not a quantum object."
Post by: Iduno on May 21, 2019, 09:27:18 am
Also, my favorite version for the Heisenberg joke is "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Post by: Kagus on May 24, 2019, 04:09:09 am
A: The scale.
Post by: Arx on May 24, 2019, 04:26:46 am
Q: If you put a kilo of iron and a kilo of feathers on a scale, what weighs the most?
A: Yo momma.
These jokes are still relevant, right...?
Post by: hector13 on May 24, 2019, 12:46:04 pm
Q: If you put a kilo of iron and a kilo of feathers on a scale, what weighs the most?
A: The crushing ennui of our meaningless existence.
ftfy
Post by: Kagus on May 31, 2019, 06:00:37 am
The other replies "Nah, too gamey"
Post by: Rolan7 on May 31, 2019, 06:36:08 pm
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: A Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
“Now then,” the old preacher said to himself, “I’ll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be ok, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a drunkard a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.”
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son’s footsteps as he came into the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “He’s gonna be a politician!”
Post by: Kagus on June 01, 2019, 02:51:07 am
Post by: Bumber on June 01, 2019, 10:37:14 am
I was expecting penis.
“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “He’s gonna be a penis!”
(Lord have mercy on my sides!)
Post by: Rolan7 on June 01, 2019, 08:39:39 pm
Post by: pisskop on June 01, 2019, 10:29:36 pm
Post by: Culise on June 02, 2019, 06:57:55 pm
Why do you always run into trouble when you bundle up green onions in plastic? Because you end up with wrapped scallions.
Post by: Yoink on July 09, 2019, 10:57:31 am
An executive Vito. I just came up with this, for all I know it's already an old joke but I am pleased with myself nonetheless.
Post by: pikachu17 on July 09, 2019, 02:31:06 pm
The bank teller replies, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?"
And the robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Post by: Culise on July 09, 2019, 08:02:14 pm
A bank robber points his gun at the bank teller and says, "Give me the money or you're geography!"A linguist in line chimes in, "In fact, he changed the object."
The bank teller replies, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?"
And the robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Post by: Frumple on July 09, 2019, 08:04:06 pm
Post by: Yoink on August 04, 2019, 08:50:03 am
Quote
Why are Irish people so crazy?
Because they're a bunch of craic addicts.
Post by: TD1 on August 04, 2019, 03:35:12 pm
Post by: Iduno on August 05, 2019, 10:59:39 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on August 06, 2019, 02:13:44 pm
EDIT: Aw c'mon man, that one's got layers! Like an ogre!
SometimesYyouOreallyUjustBneedItoGreadGbetweenAtheYlines...
Post by: Yoink on August 18, 2019, 08:55:06 pm
That particular play on words is well-used. Though kudos for knowing what craic is - I didn't know it was particularly well spread as a term.Well, I've heard/read it from various different sources over the years. The most recent source of inspiration was watching (London)Derry Girls on Netflix, though.
I don't think I'd realised quite how it was pronounced, before, haha.
Did you see on the news how the Norwegian government has started putting barcodes on all their battleships, to confirm their identity when they return to port? Yeah, it's pretty high-tech, nobody's used that sort of technology before. It's so they can Scandinavian.
(Paraphrased version of a terrible joke a friend hit us with one night a while back. Entirely deadpan. Perhaps I just don't know the guy too well, but I was caught entirely off-guard.)
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on August 19, 2019, 09:41:00 am
Post by: Egan_BW on August 19, 2019, 10:57:14 am
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on August 19, 2019, 11:28:46 am
Post by: Kagus on August 19, 2019, 12:59:58 pm
The only way to really give 110% at the gym is to take hyperbolic steroids.
Post by: Kagus on August 20, 2019, 10:02:25 am
I am a terrible person and want this (https://translate.google.com/#view=home&op=translate&sl=pl&tl=en&text=aj%20%C5%82%C4%99t%20tu%20Pol%C4%99d%20%C4%99d%20alaj%20gat%20%C5%82az%20tys%20stupyd%20szyrt) on a shirt (tell the Polish side to pronounce the text).
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on August 20, 2019, 10:09:28 am
Does this belong here? This belongs here.I like this, it’s funny
I am a terrible person and want this (https://translate.google.com/#view=home&op=translate&sl=pl&tl=en&text=aj%20%C5%82%C4%99t%20tu%20Pol%C4%99d%20%C4%99d%20alaj%20gat%20%C5%82az%20tys%20stupyd%20szyrt) on a shirt (tell the Polish side to pronounce the text).
Post by: Il Palazzo on August 20, 2019, 10:14:49 am
(tell the Polish side to pronounce the text).The Google Translate's machine voice does the pronunciation pretty much spot-on.
Post by: Kagus on August 20, 2019, 10:27:42 am
It's what I used for trying to get the correct pronunciations of stuff when I was in Poland! I was kinda surprised by how high-quality the voice sounded (Google's voices vary wildly in quality from language to language), and everything seemed to match what the other pronunciation guides were saying, so I figured... Why not? It's probably better than me trying to work it out on my own, heh.(tell the Polish side to pronounce the text).The Google Translate's machine voice does the pronunciation pretty much spot-on.
But then I got the idea to torture it with my horrible misusage of Polish phonetics, and... Yeah. That's my kinda souvenir.
Post by: Iduno on August 26, 2019, 02:37:33 pm
Post by: Kagus on August 30, 2019, 08:23:47 am
Optometrist: "..."
Optometrist: "E"
Post by: Kagus on September 10, 2019, 01:04:45 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on October 03, 2019, 01:22:21 pm
A cyberpunk anime about a cyborg/investor named Arbitrage III.
Post by: Iduno on October 14, 2019, 09:22:23 am
My notes say "A magician named Todd A". Wait, I just figured it out as I was writing this. I was pronouncing A wrong.
Post by: Reelya on October 14, 2019, 09:40:28 am
It's more of a terrible idea, but:
A cyberpunk anime about a cyborg/investor named Arbitrage III.
https://myanimelist.net/anime/10163/C__The_Money_of_Soul_and_Possibility_Control
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C_(TV_series)
Quote
When Kimimaro accepts the money, he becomes an "Entre"[d] (short for "entrepreneur") and is drawn into the alternative reality of the Financial District,[e] where Entres make transactions using a special currency called Midas Money.
In the Financial District, each Entre is paired with a special creature who personifies their futures known as "Assets"; Kimimaro is designated to be accompanied by Mashu,[g] a horned girl who can conjure up fire-based attacks. Entres are summoned there once a week to compete against each other, betting their money in a battle known as "Deal".[h] Entres who lose all of their money and become bankrupt are banished from the Financial District with tragic consequences to them or their loved ones in reality.
"Entrepeneurs" teleport into the alternate reality of the "Financial District" to pit their "assets" against each other to fight in "deals" and gamble their "futures" risking "bankruptcy".
Post by: Doomblade187 on October 14, 2019, 09:51:08 am
It's an interesting one. Also, the main plot is "Japan is borrowing against it's future by printing too much monies"
Post by: Reelya on October 14, 2019, 09:56:02 am
https://myanimelist.net/anime/34402/Love_Kome__We_Love_Rice
Quote
Yes, I know. I get it. It's a gimmick: a bunch of anthropomorphic (read: basically human) strains of rice set out to become the HarveStars in this food-based idol anime, glorifying white rice in what is essentially a propaganda piece/P.S.A. attempting to encourage more sales and growth of white rice.
With that bizarre scenario in mind, if you ride the irony, this show is absolutely hilarious. So much effort went into telling the facts of the grains industry and real world problems facing it, inserted clumsily into the actual character dialogue; you can almost imagine the meeting that was had in order to promote white rice effectively in the show. If you take into context the absolute corporate cynicism at display here, it becomes very humorous to think about, at least, for me.
It follows stereotypical rice boys, a complete set of oft-used anime personalities. They gotta train to be HarveStars, you see. When they do a special dance, it is a Harvest Show, and rice begins to grow. The main protagonist gets a crew together and the group is called Love Rice. There's also the bread boys, their rivals, whose group is called Yeast King. Even if it is enjoyed ironically there's some dumb but funny humor at play, with a lot of rice puns. Lots of rice puns.
Post by: Iduno on October 14, 2019, 11:40:57 am
It's more of a terrible idea, but:
A cyberpunk anime about a cyborg/investor named Arbitrage III.
https://myanimelist.net/anime/10163/C__The_Money_of_Soul_and_Possibility_Control
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C_(TV_series)QuoteWhen Kimimaro accepts the money, he becomes an "Entre"[d] (short for "entrepreneur") and is drawn into the alternative reality of the Financial District,[e] where Entres make transactions using a special currency called Midas Money.
In the Financial District, each Entre is paired with a special creature who personifies their futures known as "Assets"; Kimimaro is designated to be accompanied by Mashu,[g] a horned girl who can conjure up fire-based attacks. Entres are summoned there once a week to compete against each other, betting their money in a battle known as "Deal".[h] Entres who lose all of their money and become bankrupt are banished from the Financial District with tragic consequences to them or their loved ones in reality.
"Entrepeneurs" teleport into the alternate reality of the "Financial District" to pit their "assets" against each other to fight in "deals" and gamble their "futures" risking "bankruptcy".
Rename (or translate) Kimimaro's name as something stupid/a pun, and I'm in. I'm assuming the fights are already them yelling dumb one-liners that use finance terms as puns.
Post by: Reelya on October 14, 2019, 12:23:25 pm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ClassicaLoid#Plot
Quote
Two high school students, Kanae Otowa and Sōsuke Kagura, live in a rural town that is attempting to reinvigorate their town with music. Otowa and Kagura notice one day that abnormal versions of Beethoven and Mozart have appeared, known as "ClassicaLoids". The two ClassicaLoids play music they refer to as "Musik", which Otowa and Kagura soon discover is a power that causes stars to fall and giant robots to appear, turning every day henceforth bewildered. Subsequently, ClassicaLoid versions of Chopin, Bach, Schubert and other renowned composers also start to appear. The power that the ClassicaLoids hold and their origin remains a mystery that is yet to be discovered.
MechaMozart and MechaBethoven having sonic battles with other robo-composers.
Post by: Kagus on November 07, 2019, 10:55:40 am
Post by: Iduno on November 07, 2019, 11:13:12 am
Math teachers blaze it on January 5th.
Where's the joke? Those are equivalent to the same day.
Edit: Every time I see the fitness thread I think "I want to fitness whole burger in my mouth."
Post by: Kagus on November 08, 2019, 09:16:57 am
Math teachers blaze it on January 5th.
Where's the joke? Those are equivalent to the same day.
Edit: Every time I see the fitness thread I think "I want to fitness whole burger in my mouth."
You |unit|
Post by: Ultimuh on November 09, 2019, 10:27:11 pm
A: The Atomeowic bomb.
Post by: Reelya on November 10, 2019, 08:40:55 am
Post by: Kagus on December 10, 2019, 06:17:03 pm
A LMAOsine.
Post by: pikachu17 on December 12, 2019, 06:02:56 pm
Post by: Kagus on December 14, 2019, 03:48:48 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Il Palazzo on December 14, 2019, 03:56:36 pm
Post by: Bumber on December 14, 2019, 07:17:22 pm
Nothing. He took the case pro boner.
Post by: Jopax on December 15, 2019, 02:55:56 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It was a really really slow day at work, ok.
Post by: Bumber on December 15, 2019, 11:03:55 pm
Post by: Iduno on December 23, 2019, 04:41:30 pm
It's dying surrounded by needles.
Post by: Iduno on December 27, 2019, 04:17:42 pm
I found one on youtube, but the hand motions ruined it, and I noticed they censored part of "creme de menthe". So also, whoever is telling the joke shouldn't be in on the censoring.
I can't explain why I need this, because I don't know.
Post by: pisskop on December 27, 2019, 08:18:02 pm
Post by: dractionjack77 on December 28, 2019, 12:16:01 pm
A: A dead horse.
Post by: Iduno on December 30, 2019, 09:07:02 am
link?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXIc4kEHzcM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXIc4kEHzcM)
Enjoy, it's not what I was looking for. Too much awareness that what they were making was a joke, instead of trying to sell the telling of the joke.
Post by: NJW2000 on January 02, 2020, 05:04:32 am
A. How do you breathe through that thing?
Post by: Iduno on January 02, 2020, 03:24:26 pm
Post by: Kagus on January 03, 2020, 03:26:13 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on January 09, 2020, 03:58:00 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on January 10, 2020, 01:16:39 am
Which lower case letter has the most wry enjoyment?I know this is the terrible jokes thread, but I don’t get why h is wrySpoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on January 10, 2020, 07:42:55 am
Or perhaps more accurately, hih. The noise you make when pronouncing the letter.
Post by: Kagus on January 10, 2020, 07:48:53 am
That's obviously Mr. Aytch.
(Also I thought it had something to do with the lowercase "h" looking a bit like the one little stick is getting a BJ from the other little stick)
Post by: hector13 on January 10, 2020, 07:55:18 am
Post by: Kagus on January 10, 2020, 07:58:37 am
Norway is, therefore, professional and agile when it comes to such necessities.
Post by: Iduno on January 10, 2020, 08:45:07 am
(Also I thought it had something to do with the lowercase "h" looking a bit like the one little stick is getting a BJ from the other little stick)
I believe you are speaking of 2012 (https://i.ytimg.com/vi/NZpSgU40DjI/hqdefault.jpg), not just an h j
Post by: Rolan7 on January 10, 2020, 08:48:40 am
(Also I thought it had something to do with the lowercase "h" looking a bit like the one little stick is getting a BJ from the other little stick)I thought the vertical line had a flaccid "third leg", ehehe. im an adult
The American phrase for such thinking is "Your mind's in the gutter", whereas the Norwegian term is "You're thinking suitcase".Haha, nice! Very "mature" one could say.
Norway is, therefore, professional and agile when it comes to such necessities.
Post by: methylatedspirit on January 11, 2020, 06:18:04 am
I'm almost disappointed in myself for thinking it was a dick joke as soon as I entered it and saw "Entering The Dark Wood" pop up on screen.
Post by: Iduno on January 13, 2020, 08:32:46 am
Speaking of one's head being in the gutter, I saw "Dark Wood", a location in Diablo 2.
I'm almost disappointed in myself for thinking it was a dick joke as soon as I entered it and saw "Entering The Dark Wood" pop up on screen.
In Soviet Diablo, ...
Edit: https://twitter.com/Satellite_09/status/1216254608500117505 (https://twitter.com/Satellite_09/status/1216254608500117505)
Post by: Kagus on January 14, 2020, 04:45:16 am
Edit: https://twitter.com/Satellite_09/status/1216254608500117505 (https://twitter.com/Satellite_09/status/1216254608500117505)
This hurts me. This hurts me deep down.
Post by: Iduno on January 15, 2020, 08:40:19 am
This hurts me. This hurts me deep down.
Punning on 2 words at once is pretty masterful.
Post by: Reelya on January 15, 2020, 10:26:29 am
This hurts me. This hurts me deep down.
Punning on 2 words at once is pretty masterful.
That's like the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who used to lie awake at night wondering whether there really is a dog.
Post by: Iduno on January 15, 2020, 01:08:14 pm
This hurts me. This hurts me deep down.
Punning on 2 words at once is pretty masterful.
That's like the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who used to lie awake at night wondering whether there really is a dog.
Yes, but also opposites. One is describing what those words mean, and one is using irony (the words not having the expected literal meaning).
Post by: Kagus on January 17, 2020, 06:20:26 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Discus.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on January 17, 2020, 06:40:01 am
Post by: King Zultan on January 17, 2020, 06:42:57 am
Post by: Bumber on January 17, 2020, 06:58:49 am
The label is blurry when I try to read it, what does it say other than FO Remove the label? I can’t read the black print because of the blurryness
"Before each use make sure landing(?) area is clear of people. Use only for its intended purpose. DO NOT REMOVE THIS LABEL"
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on January 17, 2020, 07:13:20 am
ThanksThe label is blurry when I try to read it, what does it say other than FO Remove the label? I can’t read the black print because of the blurryness
"Before each use make sure landing(?) area is clear of people. Use only for its intended purpose. DO NOT REMOVE THIS LABEL"
Post by: King Zultan on January 17, 2020, 07:30:47 am
Post by: Iduno on January 17, 2020, 03:34:22 pm
Its like they don't want them to be thrown at people.
Then don't give them to Philadelphia fans.
Post by: Reelya on January 18, 2020, 01:37:13 am
This hurts me. This hurts me deep down.
Punning on 2 words at once is pretty masterful.
That's like the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who used to lie awake at night wondering whether there really is a dog.
Yes, but also opposites. One is describing what those words mean, and one is using irony (the words not having the expected literal meaning).
That type of irony also exists in the example I gave. Dyslexia means an issue with spelling, but the example is applying that to concepts themselves.
Post by: hector13 on January 21, 2020, 08:29:53 pm
Here is a selection.
I went to the doctor with a lettuce up my arse.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Why do you never see elephants hiding up trees?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I’ve heard crocodiles can grow up to fifteen feet.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
My friend goes to school with two bags.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I went to the video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman forever.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I went to the shop and asked if I could buy a kettle.
Kenwood, they said.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on January 22, 2020, 09:03:44 am
You might like early Dinosaur Comics, which were a lot of puns and philosophy jokes. Today's ain't bad, either (http://www.qwantz.com/comics/comic2-3546.png).
Post by: hector13 on January 22, 2020, 08:28:38 pm
Post by: Reelya on January 23, 2020, 07:13:31 am
What type of fruit was Eve tempted by in the garden of Eden?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on January 29, 2020, 05:12:10 pm
You know what goes well with Coronavirus?
Lymes disease
Post by: Egan_BW on January 29, 2020, 09:45:56 pm
i like my jokes like i like my women
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on January 29, 2020, 09:59:50 pm
(Shamelessly stolen from a friend's Facebook)
You know what goes well with Coronavirus?
Lymes disease
You put the Lyme in the Coronavirus, you drink 'em bot' together
Put the Lyme in the Coronavirus and you'll feel better
Post by: Iduno on February 07, 2020, 03:58:39 pm
Thank you and good night.
Post by: Kagus on February 08, 2020, 03:30:05 pm
I haven't either, yet.
Post by: Iduno on February 15, 2020, 12:45:52 pm
I did get some laughs later when someone patted their pockets, and said he was just making sure he didn't accidentally carry in his gun. I asked if he was just making sure he was happy to see us.
Post by: Kagus on February 18, 2020, 04:11:36 pm
It's a kind of grey area.
Did you hear the one about the deaf guy?
Neither did he.
Post by: hector13 on February 18, 2020, 07:26:56 pm
Lock the taskbar.
What is a Nazis lest favourite candy?
Jujus.
Post by: King Zultan on February 19, 2020, 03:16:15 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on February 21, 2020, 01:57:49 pm
Post by: Kagus on February 21, 2020, 02:17:01 pm
Post by: Iduno on February 23, 2020, 09:44:30 am
Whatever it is, hold off on curing it for a while. For our sake.
Fine. I'm considering an avatar (https://i.postimg.cc/76dHNyWh/Avatar.jpg), but I can't tell if the joke is too stupid, because my brain doesn't go today.
Post by: Kagus on February 24, 2020, 08:48:54 am
What's the coolest way to answer a phone in Spanish?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on February 24, 2020, 10:16:24 am
I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, sadly. Is that a (rather young) Richard Garriott?
Yeah, I'll have to check it with Tineye or similar next time I'm at a computer with something like that installed.
Post by: Bumber on February 24, 2020, 10:31:48 am
Yeah, I'll have to check it with Tineye or similar next time I'm at a computer with something like that installed.0 results on Tineye.
Post by: Iduno on February 24, 2020, 11:23:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Yeah, I'll have to check it with Tineye or similar next time I'm at a computer with something like that installed.0 results on Tineye.
Aw, poor crystal guy. Nobody remembers. Not even Internet.
Edit: It gives me confidence at work, home, social situations, etc.
Post by: Kagus on February 26, 2020, 04:37:11 am
Just a heads up for everyone.
Post by: pisskop on February 26, 2020, 01:30:44 pm
Post by: Iduno on February 26, 2020, 01:44:14 pm
the what joke
Looks like it's from Frasier. Fraiser told a listener that she needed to fix a dress she had torn, because, as the old saying goes, "Euripedes, Eumenides".
In so much as it is a joke, you'll need to read it aloud to understand.
Post by: pisskop on February 26, 2020, 01:48:28 pm
Post by: Kagus on February 26, 2020, 01:54:40 pm
The man replies "Yes, Eumenides?"
It's a phonetic pun based on the English pronunciation of those names (Euripides was a Greek tragedian, and Eumenides is another name for the Erinyes/furies, as well as the name of a major act in a Greek tragedy). YOO-rippa-deez (you ripped this/these) and YOO-menna-deez (you mend this/these).
However, that's not at all how either of those names are spoken in Greek! So it's a joke that only works on those who know enough about Greek history/drama to recognize the names, but ignorant enough to not know how anything's actually pronounced in Greek.
Naturally, it featured in Impression Games' citybuilder Zeus: Master of Olympus. And also earlier in this thread.
Post by: pikachu17 on March 04, 2020, 05:01:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on March 04, 2020, 08:20:13 pm
I guess it still fits the thread though.
Post by: pikachu17 on March 04, 2020, 08:37:03 pm
Illegitimate children are bastards, unmarried men are bachelors.The sword is the illegitimate child, because its father is not married.
I guess it still fits the thread though.
Post by: hector13 on March 04, 2020, 09:25:11 pm
Illegitimate children are bastards, unmarried men are bachelors.The sword is the illegitimate child, because its father is not married.
I guess it still fits the thread though.
I’d like to know how the man is making the weapon, but also I really don’t.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on March 04, 2020, 09:49:41 pm
Similar thoughts here. If a man has to be married to make a sword, and if swords are considered children, it would be very painful for the mother...Illegitimate children are bastards, unmarried men are bachelors.The sword is the illegitimate child, because its father is not married.
I guess it still fits the thread though.
I’d like to know how the man is making the weapon, but also I really don’t. here, if men in whatever world this takes place in
Post by: Iduno on March 05, 2020, 09:32:53 am
I’d like to know how the man is making the weapon, but also I really don’t. here, if men in whatever world this takes place inSimilar thoughts here. If a man has to be married to make a sword, and if swords are considered children, it would be very painful for the mother...
I'm not sure that joke is terrible enough for this thread; I legitimately laughed.
Post by: Bumber on March 05, 2020, 04:51:38 pm
How does a person with a lisp respond to this question?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on March 08, 2020, 12:27:13 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on March 08, 2020, 12:36:33 pm
is the terrible that it can’t be understood?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on March 08, 2020, 12:51:04 pm
The circle with numbers Biden is holding up infers that he attempted the clock drawing test. ...and failed miserably, due to his deteriorated mental state.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on March 08, 2020, 01:00:31 pm
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Executive_dysfunction#Clock_drawing_testthanks for clarifying
The circle with numbers Biden is holding up infers that he attempted the clock drawing test. ...and failed miserably, due to his deteriorated mental state.
Post by: Iduno on March 08, 2020, 06:40:38 pm
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on March 08, 2020, 08:36:50 pm
There was a link to the explanation if you click the picture.oh, I’m not used to pictures being links. How is it done? I will attempt
Spoiler: the attempted picture link (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on March 09, 2020, 08:21:28 am
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on March 09, 2020, 09:41:49 am
Post by: Iduno on March 12, 2020, 01:21:24 pm
I see them as either a dumb Ben Grimm or a dumb Incredible Hulk who can't turn back into Bruce Banner (like the opposite of Grey Hulk?). I need some stupid catch phrases. I already worked "Craig is Strongest there is!" in. I'll probably use "Craig overstand", also from an Incredible Hulk comic.
It looks like hiring Mike O'Malley or Moira Quirk will be out of the question, and the show they were on doesn't have any catchphrases that would be applicable. I may still mention Aggro Craig from time to time.
Any of you have other dumb ideas for me to use with this character?
Post by: pikachu17 on March 12, 2020, 01:36:50 pm
My new Gloomhaven Character is an idiot rock person who throws rocks at things, and occasionally heals people, named Craig (because the class is called Cragheart).You need to use the phrase "Craig's list" at some point.
I see them as either a dumb Ben Grimm or a dumb Incredible Hulk who can't turn back into Bruce Banner (like the opposite of Grey Hulk?). I need some stupid catch phrases. I already worked "Craig is Strongest there is!" in. I'll probably use "Craig overstand", also from an Incredible Hulk comic.
It looks like hiring Mike O'Malley or Moira Quirk will be out of the question, and the show they were on doesn't have any catchphrases that would be applicable. I may still mention Aggro Craig from time to time.
Any of you have other dumb ideas for me to use with this character?
Post by: Il Palazzo on March 12, 2020, 01:45:25 pm
You need to use the phrase "Craig's list" at some point.When on a sinking boat, preferably.
Post by: pikachu17 on March 12, 2020, 02:07:42 pm
Also, Craig needs to say that he is stoned.You need to use the phrase "Craig's list" at some point.When on a sinking boat, preferably.
Post by: Rolan7 on March 12, 2020, 11:02:13 pm
Well he got together with someone who should be far above such mistakes, Tom Scott, to sample some expired... water. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6VhcpwFZJM)
(Also, tween-me found Stinkyfeet hilarious (I recommend not looking it up). That was literally an image blog of someone who gave himself foot fungus. I was literally a child but... eugh.)
(In my defense it was a followup of when he did the same thing to a slab of meat (Stinkymeat) which was just as fascinating and educational and infinitely less horrifying)
Post by: Iduno on March 13, 2020, 07:53:41 am
I enjoy the Ashens channel, but the ones where he tastes expired foodstuffs is an *awful* form of comedy. Just as bad as, say, those shows where the joke is people actually got hurt in real life. And yet when Ashens does it, it remains a guilty pleasure.
Well he got together with someone who should be far above such mistakes, Tom Scott, to sample some expired... water. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6VhcpwFZJM)
(Also, tween-me found Stinkyfeet hilarious (I recommend not looking it up). That was literally an image blog of someone who gave himself foot fungus. I was literally a child but... eugh.)
(In my defense it was a followup of when he did the same thing to a slab of meat (Stinkymeat) which was just as fascinating and educational and infinitely less horrifying)
So you're telling me the video of a man gargling with methylated spirits and spitting it out wasn't funny? He knew what he was doing, was careful not to swallow, and did the thing.
Post by: Yoink on March 26, 2020, 01:40:49 pm
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
Post by: Iduno on March 26, 2020, 01:43:22 pm
(Shared by a friend on Facebook)
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
It took me a minute, but very good.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on March 26, 2020, 07:58:55 pm
(Shared by a friend on Facebook)It took me a bit too, good one
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
Post by: Iduno on April 07, 2020, 12:36:39 pm
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a chemical engineer are having beers after work, and get to talking.
The mechanical engineer speaks up "The human body is amazing. It's a self-repairing machine capable of fueling itself and running on tight tolerances. If there is a god, they're a mechanical engineer."
The electrical engineer replies "Ah, but the entire machine is powered by wires capable of contracting muscles to move the machine, running in a liquid environment with only rare electrical shorts, and powered by a computer we can't manage to replicate yet. If there is a god, they're an electrical engineer."
"Bah" says the chemical engineer. "God's a civil."
The other two, expecting a retort about electrochemical potentials or the citric acid cycle look confused, and ask for an explanation.
"Who else, but a civil, would run a waste line through a recreation area?"
Post by: methylatedspirit on April 08, 2020, 04:41:02 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Trekkin on April 08, 2020, 06:01:40 am
"Who else, but a civil, would run a waste line through a recreation area?"
You know, I've heard this joke from many a biology student, and for the sake of accuracy I have to point out that this is actually a relatively rare mutation. The dominant trait is to actually route waste directly into the neurocranium; once this space is completely filled, excess waste is expelled via the oral cavity.
In fairness, the joke was made when the penetrance of this allele was only estimated from analyses of undergraduate students. Conclusive proof of fixation had to wait for social media.
Post by: Iduno on April 08, 2020, 10:52:27 am
"Who else, but a civil, would run a waste line through a recreation area?"
You know, I've heard this joke from many a biology student, and for the sake of accuracy I have to point out that this is actually a relatively rare mutation. The dominant trait is to actually route waste directly into the neurocranium; once this space is completely filled, excess waste is expelled via the oral cavity.
In fairness, the joke was made when the penetrance of this allele was only estimated from analyses of undergraduate students. Conclusive proof of fixation had to wait for social media.
Pretty good.
Edit: https://twitter.com/palecur/status/1248010783394369537 (https://twitter.com/palecur/status/1248010783394369537) I can't tell if this belongs here, or things that made you laugh.
Post by: Iduno on April 10, 2020, 09:42:48 am
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on April 10, 2020, 09:44:44 am
As I spendNever heard of Goya, but reading your sentence made me hungrymorea higher percentage of my energy thinking about food, is anyone else delighted/disturbed that the brand of canned goods is called Goya (https://learnodo-newtonic.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Saturn-Devouring-His-Son-1823-Francisco-Goya.jpg)?
Edit: just clicked it, should have looked at image before commenting whoops
A canned food named after whstever thst thing is is weird
Post by: Iduno on April 10, 2020, 09:52:22 am
As I spendNever heard of Goya, but reading your sentence made me hungrymorea higher percentage of my energy thinking about food, is anyone else delighted/disturbed that the brand of canned goods is called Goya (https://learnodo-newtonic.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Saturn-Devouring-His-Son-1823-Francisco-Goya.jpg)?
Edit: just clicked it, should have looked at image before commenting whoops
A canned food named after whstever thst thing is is weird
Fransisco Goya was the painter of that painting (Saturn Devouring His Son). I don't know how widely these guys (https://www.goya.com/en/products) distribute.
Post by: Egan_BW on April 10, 2020, 03:23:44 pm
Post by: Kagus on April 13, 2020, 02:55:20 am
https://twitter.com/palecur/status/1248010783394369537 (https://twitter.com/palecur/status/1248010783394369537) I can't tell if this belongs here, or things that made you laugh.This is completely awful. Thank you. I must now inflict this suffering upon others.
I also appreciate that the first product preview to show up for me on the Goya website was a nice, juicy, pulpy can of pumpkin puree.
Post by: Starver on April 20, 2020, 08:40:12 am
The scene, a locksmith's shop. A proper shop shop not a shoes-and-keys-and-dog-identity-tags kiosk under the eaves of a supermarket entrance awning. We'd actually rung ahead of visiting to see if they were open (and for drop-in business, not just call-out) as we needed some padlocks looking/maybe replacing for... reasons I won't bore you with.
Ahead of me at the counter, a responsible distance away, a lady customer who hadn't known if she'd find the place open under the current conditions, chatting with the guy behind the counter as her business was being transacted, and in the course of the conversation uttered that one particular question.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on April 20, 2020, 08:55:46 am
Post by: Iduno on April 20, 2020, 10:10:49 am
Genuinely heard, today. Not even sure it was intended as a joke, but I inwardly groaned (in a good way, although not in a good good way), and thought I should share the pain.
The scene, a locksmith's shop. A proper shop shop not a shoes-and-keys-and-dog-identity-tags kiosk under the eaves of a supermarket entrance awning. We'd actually rung ahead of visiting to see if they were open (and for drop-in business, not just call-out) as we needed some padlocks looking/maybe replacing for... reasons I won't bore you with.
Ahead of me at the counter, a responsible distance away, a lady customer who hadn't known if she'd find the place open under the current conditions, chatting with the guy behind the counter as her business was being transacted, and in the course of the conversation uttered that one particular question.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
They get called essential around here, and I still immediately picked up on the double-meaning. It's great, and I'm not sure if the person should have felt a bit bad for the accident, or been a bit proud.
If I said something like that to someone, I probably would have paused to think about what I said, then given them a "well, that's been said now" shrug.
Post by: Starver on April 20, 2020, 10:51:11 am
Maybe to cater for inverse-snobbery, or just not to be too exclusive and actually get enough footfall, they have a 'basics' range too, more or less under the brand title of Essential <foo>.
Famously, though, it's not just bog-standard bread, milk, eggs, etc, but produces such interesting products as Essential Couscous, Red Wine,, Butternut Squash, Halloumi, Parma ham, Avocado, Parmesan, Pineapple, etc.
They may be considered basic and traditional staple foodstuffs in other places, but not Britain, so you can imagine what those of us who don't tend to try out something like a new "couscous and yam-jam flan" at their next dinner-party think of this. ;)
Post by: KittyTac on April 21, 2020, 01:49:05 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on April 21, 2020, 04:23:35 am
Quote from: Meme a friend shared
I want to go buy a Vietnamese sandwich but they Banh Mi from going outside
Quote from: My comment
Don't worry, I'm sure by the time spring rolls around we'll be allowed out again.
Post by: Iduno on April 21, 2020, 08:54:26 am
Quote from: Meme a friend sharedI want to go buy a Vietnamese sandwich but they Banh Mi from going outsideQuote from: My commentDon't worry, I'm sure by the time spring rolls around we'll be allowed out again.
That's terrible, and I love it.
Post by: Reelya on April 22, 2020, 01:44:33 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMuOvE940KE
Post by: Kagus on April 29, 2020, 02:42:57 am
Quote
As they used to say in Vietnam; "Bon appetit"!
[chuckles smugly in "I got that"]
Before I watched that I was actually going to comment with something related, about how when sitting down to a fancy meal you should remember to announce "Erectile dysfunction!" loudly for the other guests (it's fancy talk for "Boner apathy").
EDIT:
Which national park is the most welcoming to Jews?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
EDIT2:
It's taken me this long to finally realize that the Matrix scene where an agent absorbs and replaces that car chauffeur was just the simulation updating its drivers.
Post by: MaxTheFox on May 06, 2020, 05:06:02 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I'm going to hell for this.
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on May 06, 2020, 08:26:46 am
Spoiler: autocorrupt not doing anything (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: let’s choose words from autocorrupt to maybe make something coherent (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on May 06, 2020, 12:55:54 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eschar on May 12, 2020, 07:09:05 am
Lighting something in your mouth on fire is going to be harmful no matter what it is, you are speaking the truth. Can’t think of a terrible joke right now, so I’m gonna type a string of random letters and numbers and see what autocorrupt does with itSpoiler: autocorrupt not doing anything (click to show/hide)Spoiler: let’s choose words from autocorrupt to maybe make something coherent (click to show/hide)
I see autocorrect has learned of McCreary's Planet
Post by: Iduno on May 12, 2020, 04:23:02 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on May 12, 2020, 04:47:32 pm
The ICU.
Post by: Iduno on May 12, 2020, 04:52:18 pm
Where do you go after a peekaboo accident?
The ICU.
Good enough.
Post by: Kagus on May 19, 2020, 03:38:19 am
He was never Sean again.
Post by: Starver on May 19, 2020, 05:32:40 am
(Niamher mind, I'm Donne with this and Siânt worry about it all going Ayscough.)
Post by: Kagus on May 25, 2020, 07:22:35 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on May 25, 2020, 07:46:18 am
Buddha couldn't.
Post by: Akura on May 30, 2020, 05:04:47 pm
Quote from: Taken from Cities: Skylines' Chirper feed
Drunk bedroom furniture shopping can lead to waking up to just one nightstand.
I need to find a mod that kills this damn thing.
Post by: King Zultan on May 31, 2020, 01:55:50 am
If you have the steam version you could use this. (https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=422603366&searchtext=chirper)Quote from: Taken from Cities: Skylines' Chirper feedDrunk bedroom furniture shopping can lead to waking up to just one nightstand.
I need to find a mod that kills this damn thing.
Post by: hops on June 04, 2020, 08:28:33 pm
Post by: Rockeater on June 05, 2020, 03:52:05 pm
Post by: Starver on June 06, 2020, 04:10:12 pm
An aneroid barometer uses a strong spring to indicate changes in atmospheric pressure.
A paranoid barometer wants to know why you're interested. Are they doing something to the air? I bet it's all the fluoridated chemtrails, isn't it, being activated by the FEMA mind-control signals fired down from the satellites that disguise the true nature of the Flat Earth!
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on June 06, 2020, 04:56:16 pm
A mercury barometer uses the weight of liquid metal to indicate changes in atmospheric pressure.this was good. I liked this
An aneroid barometer uses a strong spring to indicate changes in atmospheric pressure.
A paranoid barometer wants to know why you're interested. Are they doing something to the air? I bet it's all the fluoridated chemtrails, isn't it, being activated by the FEMA mind-control signals fired down from the satellites that disguise the true nature of the Flat Earth!
Post by: Iduno on June 14, 2020, 09:21:50 pm
"Dad Ded. Then who was phone?"
Post by: Eschar on June 14, 2020, 10:36:44 pm
Post by: Reelya on June 15, 2020, 02:16:38 am
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_sale:_baby_shoes,_never_worn
For reference see the linked newspaper clippings from 1910, 1917 etc, for versions which predate any possible Hemingway version.
But if you count the false attribution to Hemingway as part of the story, then it's in fact a very compact 7-word story.
Post by: Kagus on June 15, 2020, 06:07:51 am
"Hey babe, are you a barbecue? 'Cause I think you're hot, so I wanna take your top off and put my wiener in you"
"If I said I was Jesus, would you nail me?"
"Do you manage a baseball team? Because I want to give you my batter"
"Hey girl, were your parents retarded? Because you sure are special"
"Are you an American public school? 'Cause I wanna shoot some kids in you"
Post by: martinuzz on June 15, 2020, 08:25:05 am
Post by: Kagus on June 15, 2020, 08:36:54 am
Code: [Select]
[img width=800][/img]Wanna hear a joke about my dick?
Code: [Select]
[img length=1][/img]
Post by: Iduno on June 15, 2020, 09:28:30 am
Wanna hear a joke about my dick?
Sure, but keep it short.
Post by: Reelya on June 15, 2020, 09:39:14 am
Post by: Kagus on June 28, 2020, 08:48:26 am
I mean, all you need is a little milk and bacteria to make Yog hurt.
Post by: George_Chickens on June 28, 2020, 09:27:51 am
Those kind of jokes really fit in here.My family doesn't talk to me anymore after I showed these jokes to my little brother :'(
Post by: Eschar on July 01, 2020, 09:36:54 am
I've been revisiting my efforts to assemble a collection of absolutely dreadful pick-up lines.
"Hey babe, are you a barbecue? 'Cause I think you're hot, so I wanna take your top off and put my wiener in you"
"If I said I was Jesus, would you nail me?"
"Do you manage a baseball team? Because I want to give you my batter"
"Hey girl, were your parents retarded? Because you sure are special"
"Are you an American public school? 'Cause I wanna shoot some kids in you"
You should get some material from LCS. Or add these to it!
Post by: pisskop on July 01, 2020, 10:04:56 am
Dont forget "do you have a little Irish in you? No? do you want some tonight?"
Or, "Youre so dirty, Ill be your washing machine"
Post by: Kagus on July 01, 2020, 12:21:41 pm
"Damn girl, are you a microwave? 'Cause mmmmmmmmm"
"Are your pants a compressed file? Because I want to unzip them"
"Call me Shrek, 'cause I'm head ogre heels for you"
"Hey babe, are you a Pokémon trainer? Because I wanna Pikachu" (alternatively, Raichu)
"Hey girl, are you Princess Zelda? 'Cause HYAAAH!"
"You can call me a retrovirus, because I wanna get inside your jeans"
Dont forget "do you have a little Irish in you? No? do you want some tonight?"Note: This works better if you're actually Irish.
In fact, all of these would work better if you're Irish. That accent kills.
Post by: Starver on July 01, 2020, 04:50:19 pm
And probably sells better if you're small of stature (with notably big hands/feet) than if you're towering (without).Dont forget "do you have a little Irish in you? No? do you want some tonight?"Note: This works better if you're actually Irish.
Post by: Kagus on July 02, 2020, 01:57:27 am
Considering there's only a little bit of your Irish that'll be going inside her, this is kinda moot.And probably sells better if you're small of stature (with notably big hands/feet) than if you're towering (without).Dont forget "do you have a little Irish in you? No? do you want some tonight?"Note: This works better if you're actually Irish.
Leprechauns do get all the booty, though.
Post by: Bumber on July 02, 2020, 02:35:44 pm
"Hey girl, are you Princess Zelda? 'Cause HYAAAH!"
What's Link's favorite type of flower? HYAAAcinth.
Post by: Kagus on July 07, 2020, 03:20:51 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KittyTac on July 07, 2020, 09:50:55 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on July 18, 2020, 08:43:15 pm
Post by: Starver on July 20, 2020, 07:14:57 pm
Post by: kingawsume on July 20, 2020, 07:35:45 pm
The first nun has a stroke.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on August 09, 2020, 03:00:23 am
Post by: Kagus on August 09, 2020, 05:17:07 am
After a historic revolution in the world of French winemaking, there followed a dark period that became known as "The Terroir".I didn't know this!
I suppose you could say that, for me, it was Terroir Incognita.
Post by: dragdeler on August 09, 2020, 05:28:58 am
Post by: Bumber on August 09, 2020, 07:06:10 am
A priest and a rabbi go for a hike, it's very hot and they encounter a body of water, they decide to take a bath, naked as the lord created them. Suddenly a group of people goes by: the priest hides his genitals while the rabbi hides his faces. Later the priest asks the rabbi why he hid his face, and he answers: my community recognizes me by my face.
Took me a number of seconds to realize the implication. :P
Post by: Starver on August 09, 2020, 07:50:01 am
Post by: Bumber on August 09, 2020, 07:56:46 am
A flash of inspiration?
And molestation.
Post by: Starver on September 15, 2020, 10:51:46 pm
The problem with buying a property using the rule of "location, location, location" is that you may then not reliably know its "momentum, momentum, momentum".
(...and can I also just say that I utterly dislike the phrase "...100 times smaller than..." in that link.)
Post by: Kagus on September 16, 2020, 02:06:41 pm
Q: Why are monks so good at protesting?
A: Because the more Ohms you have, the greater the resistance
Post by: Kagus on September 21, 2020, 11:40:04 am
*Knock knock*
1: Who's there?
2: Jesus' manger
1: Jesus' manger who?
2: Jesus' manger own damn business!
Post by: Starver on September 24, 2020, 08:08:44 am
He's a Hypocaust Denier.
Post by: Yoink on September 25, 2020, 07:17:59 pm
Quote from: A friend's Facebook post
Did you know a few of hitler's generals became animal doctors after the war? They were veteran aryans.
Post by: Kagus on September 26, 2020, 11:22:40 am
Quote from: A friend's Facebook postDid you know a few of hitler's generals became animal doctors after the war? They were veteran aryans.
That is...
I hate it and I know exactly who I need to tell it to.
Post by: towerdude on October 02, 2020, 07:16:06 am
He has a very bad temper.
So I call him: Horribull! ;D
Post by: Magmacube_tr on October 02, 2020, 11:09:30 am
Post by: Kagus on October 02, 2020, 02:01:48 pm
Spoiler: Flagrant and explicit racism (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on October 05, 2020, 07:20:02 pm
Quote from: YouTube comments
Everyone says Obama was a great orator, but I'm not sure. All he did was drone on and on.
Post by: Rolan7 on October 06, 2020, 02:57:56 am
But I think this part is particularly good - particularly if you know how deadpan Roz *always* talks. Cool, collected engineer with credentials.
https://youtu.be/f7Qop_64qqk?t=5143
Post by: Iduno on October 06, 2020, 09:10:51 am
Obama...drone
Ok, that's good.
This is a great podcast about 9/11 which automatically nominates it for this thread.
But I think this part is particularly good - particularly if you know how deadpan Roz *always* talks. Cool, collected engineer with credentials.
https://youtu.be/f7Qop_64qqk?t=5143
I love the British humor.
Post by: Starver on October 06, 2020, 09:32:46 am
I love the British humor....but not the British spelling..?
:P
Post by: Rolan7 on October 06, 2020, 10:12:45 am
I love the British humor.She's also Muslim, though that doesn't stop her from drinking :P
Post by: A Thing on October 06, 2020, 01:02:49 pm
Post by: Iduno on October 10, 2020, 06:57:36 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on October 10, 2020, 07:10:56 pm
Post by: King Zultan on October 11, 2020, 01:40:50 am
Post by: Starver on October 11, 2020, 02:11:36 am
Post by: Iduno on October 11, 2020, 09:59:56 am
Dead Kennedys?
Yes.
Yeah, too much Fluroide and Jello for me...
Also yes.
Post by: Starver on October 13, 2020, 05:11:12 pm
The Russians say "Nyet! That was a Mir trifle!"
Post by: Urist McSpike on October 14, 2020, 08:51:21 am
*ba dum tss*
Post by: a1s on October 16, 2020, 08:30:41 am
So I turned it into wine.
Post by: Bumber on October 16, 2020, 04:45:43 pm
A baby seal walks into a club...
*ba dum tss*
Somebody trips on a drum set...
*ba dum tss*
Post by: Iduno on October 17, 2020, 03:20:10 pm
I recently found some money in a supermarket and thought to myself "what would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
Pretty good.
Post by: wierd on October 17, 2020, 03:29:52 pm
But given that it is October, and Halloween decorations have found their way to work.. One of the items is a singing and dancing toy mummy (https://www.gemmy.com/dance-boss-thriller-mummy/).
It sings and dances to Micheal Jackson's Thriller. It also appears to have no nose. (the face is completely flat.)
I made the droll statement that it is a "Post-op Micheal Jackson animated figure", and that you could tell, because it was wrapped in bandages, and had no nose.
Post by: dragdeler on October 17, 2020, 08:29:44 pm
Post by: Yoink on October 17, 2020, 10:15:37 pm
Post by: Iduno on October 18, 2020, 04:58:16 pm
Cat name idea: Diane Kitten.
I also like "Doug."
Post by: King Zultan on October 19, 2020, 05:00:25 am
You could name it Paul, but that would be ridiculous.Cat name idea: Diane Kitten.
I also like "Doug."
Post by: Rolan7 on October 19, 2020, 11:41:21 am
Code: [Select]
// get tomorrows date
int getTomorrowsDate() {
sleep(1000*60*60*24);
return getCurrentDate();
}(Not mine, though I think I slightly corrected it)
Post by: Iduno on October 19, 2020, 11:48:14 am
(I am completely lost as to these name jokes)Code: [Select]// get tomorrows date(Not mine, though I think I slightly corrected it)
int getTomorrowsDate() {
sleep(1000*60*60*24);
return getCurrentDate();
}
Some good programming.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: King Zultan on October 20, 2020, 03:41:17 am
I'm not 100% sure on this oneIts from a quote by Adam West.
Post by: Starver on October 21, 2020, 09:09:09 am
Im scared and I need my mommyYour mommy's so fat that...
We all do.
Post by: Egan_BW on October 21, 2020, 10:38:32 pm
- God made man in his own image.
- Everybody else hates catholics.
- All catholics hate themselves.
I put this joke in this thread less because it's offensive and more because it doesn't work very well at all.
Post by: methylatedspirit on October 29, 2020, 03:29:28 am
Fellas, is it gay to be straight? I mean, you're attracted to women who are attracted to men, and that's kinda gay.
Post by: Starver on October 29, 2020, 12:56:19 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on November 01, 2020, 02:28:27 pm
It was very convincing, and at least one person was horrified.
Post by: Egan_BW on November 01, 2020, 03:23:16 pm
Post by: Kagus on November 02, 2020, 03:17:04 am
I was a cereal ropist.
And, as such, I was required to inform those present that I was a registered Chex offender.
Post by: Starver on November 02, 2020, 08:17:41 am
(It's funny, and not potentially a tragedy, due to a huge fluke!)
Post by: TD1 on November 02, 2020, 11:40:50 am
Post by: Rolan7 on November 06, 2020, 12:21:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tomasque on November 15, 2020, 05:53:40 am
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Wait a moment... I remember seeing this one before...
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That's what I thought! Don't think you'll get away that easily, joke thief! :P
Post by: IonMatrix on November 15, 2020, 09:43:19 am
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on November 15, 2020, 05:40:30 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on November 15, 2020, 10:14:07 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: KittyTac on November 16, 2020, 11:05:58 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on December 16, 2020, 08:32:39 pm
I heard Conor Clapton's doing National Novel Writing Month.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on December 18, 2020, 05:09:24 pm
At a Sharkuterie.
Post by: Rolan7 on December 19, 2020, 11:46:16 pm
In Fallen London I started seeing references to this new food, "The Sausage About Which No One Complains". On further inspection, "You'll never hear a word spoken against it". Its construction required a special ingredient, mutersalt.
Mutersalt. A spice which temporarily paralyzes the vocal chords.
As an added twist, people seem to legitimately appreciate it as a food, so there you go.
Post by: Egan_BW on December 20, 2020, 08:19:41 am
Post by: Kagus on December 20, 2020, 10:37:16 am
At least it doesn't kill you. :P
Considering how difficult it is to actually *kill* someone in Fallen London, this is neither surprising nor necessarily an upside.
Post by: Bumber on December 20, 2020, 04:01:21 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 31, 2020, 04:06:31 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: MeimieFan88 on January 01, 2021, 03:30:34 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: methylatedspirit on January 01, 2021, 05:34:14 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazyabe on January 20, 2021, 02:37:04 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Magmacube_tr on January 20, 2021, 08:51:20 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on January 20, 2021, 05:03:37 pm
yo‘s MeSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on January 31, 2021, 07:51:08 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: crazyabe on January 31, 2021, 08:36:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on February 11, 2021, 10:10:41 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on March 07, 2021, 06:35:26 pm
Quote from: Phal on Discord
All vr games have fall damage
Post by: crazyabe on March 08, 2021, 07:19:50 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on March 15, 2021, 11:54:48 am
It's a video with sound of someone explaining their ideal mad-science experiment if all morals are out the window.
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/274761428605468672/820122385230463036/d49a242909c000ee1c47bb7dd6f4d38c.mp4
Post by: MeimieFan88 on March 30, 2021, 09:14:42 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on May 27, 2021, 12:37:25 pm
Post by: a1s on May 27, 2021, 05:59:42 pm
Son - he says - there are two kinds of women in the world. There is a Alice and there is Beth.
Post by: Iduno on August 28, 2021, 07:34:44 pm
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d59d4dc29ddb9a6b62e1911c33302f6787308bb6ba1dab56dd0476931fae570e.jpg)
Post by: KittyTac on August 30, 2021, 12:25:28 pm
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on August 30, 2021, 12:55:32 pm
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?this made me smile
Post by: Bumber on September 11, 2021, 08:26:13 pm
Post by: Magmacube_tr on September 12, 2021, 02:15:09 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on September 12, 2021, 04:04:38 pm
69Hey, cancer is no laughing matter from any angle!
Post by: TheBeardyMan on September 12, 2021, 05:16:45 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on September 12, 2021, 05:35:47 pm
Post by: Naturegirl1999 on September 13, 2021, 12:03:54 am
Why did the bird grow numbers?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on September 13, 2021, 02:02:32 am
While sitting with him and talking about it, another friend asked if the fellow in question were Norwegian. He replied that no, the man was originally from Spain. Apparently leaving behind a 2-year-old daughter on top of the tragedy as-was.
It was at this moment I took a deep breath, grimaced slightly at my own comedic glands, and uttered:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Iduno on September 13, 2021, 02:53:17 pm
Bumped into a friend of mine at the pub recently, where he was still in a bit of shock after having been out socializing the night previous, before suddenly getting the news that one of his colleagues, one year older than him, had just died from a brain aneurysm. The realization of one's mortality being a bit of a heavy pill to swallow, he was understandably somewhat out of sorts.
While sitting with him and talking about it, another friend asked if the fellow in question were Norwegian. He replied that no, the man was originally from Spain. Apparently leaving behind a 2-year-old daughter on top of the tragedy as-was.
It was at this moment I took a deep breath, grimaced slightly at my own comedic glands, and uttered:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Hopefully it at least lightened the mood.
Post by: Bumber on September 13, 2021, 07:58:04 pm
Hopefully it at least lightened the mood.
And then the pub burnt down.
Post by: Frumple on September 13, 2021, 09:06:29 pm
The bleedin' pub's on fire (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEBN0mpH7t0), you say.Hopefully it at least lightened the mood.
And then the pub burnt down.
Post by: Bumber on September 16, 2021, 05:01:34 pm
Post by: KittyTac on September 17, 2021, 11:07:32 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: martinuzz on September 27, 2021, 07:22:59 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on October 09, 2021, 12:17:59 am
Quote
As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits:
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
How many were there going to St. Ives?
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on October 09, 2021, 12:22:59 am
Post by: Magmacube_tr on October 09, 2021, 01:26:49 am
Post by: Kagus on October 09, 2021, 01:49:00 am
Post by: Starver on October 09, 2021, 03:30:17 am
Post by: hector13 on October 10, 2021, 10:07:07 pm
Here's a classic I remembered upon hearing "Ives" mentioned in a different context:QuoteAs I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives,
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits:
Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
How many were there going to St. Ives?
How do you dial “one”?
Post by: Frumple on October 10, 2021, 10:23:58 pm
... unless the cats are all dead, I guess. Roof rabbit caravan still isn't going to be light, though.
Post by: Kagus on October 11, 2021, 02:21:30 am
I think by dialing out whatever spells "Indeterminable".
+463 (383) 7646-2253
My ninjutsu is stronger than I thought...
Post by: Rolan7 on October 13, 2021, 04:01:37 pm
Post by: dragdeler on October 14, 2021, 01:17:21 pm
Goddamnit you did it again autocorrect. Sorry.
Post by: hedgerow on October 15, 2021, 03:59:36 pm
He was tired of the vines.
Post by: martinuzz on October 21, 2021, 11:54:36 am
In Hell, the English prepare food, the Italians do the administration, and the Germans tell jokes.
Post by: Culise on October 21, 2021, 05:35:13 pm
In Heaven, the Italians prepare the food, the Germans do the administration, and the English tell jokes.Hey, now. German humour is no laughing matter.
In Hell, the English prepare food, the Italians do the administration, and the Germans tell jokes.
Post by: TheBeardyMan on November 03, 2021, 11:21:53 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on November 05, 2021, 12:08:18 am
Ouch
Post by: dragdeler on November 06, 2021, 09:27:30 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on November 06, 2021, 10:32:23 pm
Post by: methylatedspirit on November 14, 2021, 11:06:56 pm
"I hear voices."
Post by: Bumber on November 15, 2021, 02:18:46 am
Post by: Frumple on November 16, 2021, 07:34:16 pm
Cinnamon. (https://youtu.be/aV3a-FZUJGY?t=55)
Post by: Schmaven on November 16, 2021, 07:36:41 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Bumber on November 17, 2021, 03:47:08 pm
What's the most sinful spice?
Cinnamon. (https://youtu.be/aV3a-FZUJGY?t=55)
Say you're a winner but, man, you're just a cinnamon (https://youtu.be/C_OGARBe6W0?t=138)
Post by: Starver on December 11, 2021, 08:44:49 am
Caveat emptor!!
The "waifu" gpus tend to be poor performers with bad cooling.
RESEARCH EXHAUSTIVELY FIRST!
...cue the old 'jokes' about feminine processors being better at multitasking and handling child processes, but unable to render Google Maps and not working optimally for a few days every month. Except for the older models that instead have unexplained operating temperature fluctuations.
Post by: Akura on December 25, 2021, 12:03:03 pm
You know how Santa wears red, keeps tabs on everyone at all times(even when they're sleeping), sorts everyone into lists by whether they behave or not, and provides rewards/punishments based on that listing? You're even warned about complaining about it.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on December 25, 2021, 01:03:06 pm
Post by: Kagus on December 27, 2021, 05:39:58 pm
Which explains why all my dates have been bipolar.
Post by: Iduno on January 31, 2022, 07:51:08 pm
It’s funny, how the WTF thread can be about mac and cheese and the laugh thread about the decline of Turkey due to Erdogan.
I didn't even know they made rye bread there.
Post by: A_Curious_Cat on March 11, 2022, 11:38:55 pm
Post by: Starver on March 12, 2022, 09:30:43 am
Did you hear about the cannibal children? Their parents told them to stop playing with their food.
The only alternative to cannibalism is to make a false dichotomy (https://xkcd.com/2592)!
Post by: MeimieFan88 on March 12, 2022, 07:31:14 pm
But her aim is getting better.
Post by: Rolan7 on March 13, 2022, 12:25:37 am
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better.
Quote from: Liberal Crime Squad
Well I knew it had reached a crescendo when...
my step mom shot her ex-husband, my dad, with a shotgun. She got off.
Post by: martinuzz on March 24, 2022, 03:19:14 pm
You cannot just leave it lying in office. You have to hang it, or put against the wall.
Post by: martinuzz on March 25, 2022, 06:07:25 pm
"In France, I drive a 2CV, but when I go on holidays outside of France, I drive a DS", says the Frenchman.
"In the UK, I drive a mini, but when I go abroad, I drive a Jaguar", says the Brit.
"In Russia, we always drive Lada", says the Russian.
The Frenchman asks "But what do you drive when you travel outside of Russia?"
"Oh, then we always drive tanks"
Post by: Akura on April 20, 2022, 03:04:53 pm
Then she referred to today as "Hash Wednesday".
Post by: dragdeler on May 18, 2022, 06:33:01 am
Post by: Starver on May 18, 2022, 06:41:26 am
Post by: a1s on May 18, 2022, 07:25:23 am
Anglophones be like "crimea river" when everybody knows there is no water in crimea.I don't get this one. Crimea has several rivers, and is in general surrounded by water on most sides.
Post by: dragdeler on May 18, 2022, 07:40:27 am
Post by: Starver on May 18, 2022, 10:24:50 am
(Not funny, even terribly, but as factual as I think I can put it. Expect different assessments (and layers of blame/accusation) from different sources, though, as you'd expect.)
Post by: Schmaven on May 20, 2022, 10:01:42 am
You will be mist.
Post by: Loud Whispers on May 20, 2022, 10:14:35 am
What did one pot of water say to the other pot of water that was carried away to be boiled?By stove!
You will be mist.
Post by: Bumber on June 18, 2022, 04:48:42 pm
(https://i.postimg.cc/05TbVx67/bees.jpg)
Post by: Rolan7 on August 12, 2022, 09:37:29 am
Post by: hector13 on August 12, 2022, 09:38:51 am
Post by: kaenneth on August 12, 2022, 10:13:00 pm
Because if they were short they would lose their charge.
Post by: hector13 on August 12, 2022, 10:15:15 pm
Post by: Il Palazzo on August 13, 2022, 04:44:57 am
Post by: Starver on August 13, 2022, 05:52:17 am
Post by: Rolan7 on September 08, 2022, 08:18:01 pm
Quote from: https://twitter.com/mollyesbian/status/1567982887882063873
in order for me to recognize Prince Charles as King Charles I'll first require 2 letters from different psychiatrists who have been treating his king status for over a year if not more, stating that he is indeed a king and that it isn't a fetish or a fad or him faking it
Post by: Starver on September 08, 2022, 08:42:36 pm
Post by: a1s on September 09, 2022, 04:39:00 am
I don't get the reference :(Quote from: https://twitter.com/mollyesbian/status/1567982887882063873in order for me to recognize Prince Charles as King Charles I'll first require 2 letters from different psychiatrists who have been treating his king status for over a year if not more, stating that he is indeed a king and that it isn't a fetish or a fad or him faking it
Post by: Kagus on September 09, 2022, 08:53:07 am
I don't get the reference :(
It's just some fair and standard checks in place to determine whether or not it's medically defensible to assist Charles in transitioning to King despite his being APAB (Assigned Prince At Birth).
It's a trans thing; the time and psychiatric requirements (and suspicion of "perversion"/faking) are common barriers for people looking to transition
Post by: Egan_BW on September 09, 2022, 06:06:11 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on September 10, 2022, 04:38:00 am
I dated someone like that onceSpoiler (click to show/hide)
They were a keeper
Post by: hector13 on September 10, 2022, 09:51:50 am
I dated someone like that onceSpoiler (click to show/hide)
They were a keeper
The joke is “I dated a footballer once.
They were a ‘keeper.”
Post by: a1s on September 10, 2022, 10:18:56 am
Post by: Loud Whispers on September 11, 2022, 01:47:51 pm
Post by: Bumber on September 18, 2022, 03:25:43 am
Post by: Rolan7 on October 03, 2022, 05:00:21 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on October 03, 2022, 05:14:16 pm
The UK is so weird about the proper way to make tea and coffee that you need a law degree to be a barristaHeheheheh
Also today I saw an advert with a misplaced poster
They ended up turning
"Strike gold for the price of silver" into "Strike god for the price of silver."
Their marketing slogan suddenly became a eulogy for Judas
Post by: a1s on October 03, 2022, 05:52:38 pm
Confucius said "Many hands make light work".
Post by: Loud Whispers on October 04, 2022, 07:44:44 am
A student asked Confucius how many people it takes to change a lightbulb.Man who stands on toilet is high on pot
Confucius said "Many hands make light work".
Post by: TheBeardyMan on October 10, 2022, 08:52:43 am
But he wasn't happy - he really got his knickers in a twist.
Post by: Loud Whispers on October 10, 2022, 01:08:16 pm
Post by: Starver on October 11, 2022, 03:26:18 pm
Post by: Starver on October 13, 2022, 04:44:03 pm
(Obviously I don't do that any more. But I've found a different way to satisfy my fetish. Honestly, its conpletely true, just look at my pants!)
Post by: MrRoboto75 on October 13, 2022, 06:38:23 pm
Post by: hector13 on October 13, 2022, 06:48:17 pm
As far as inventions go, whiteboards are truly remarkable.
It’s not as impressive as a dukdoo.
Post by: Ziusudra on October 13, 2022, 07:10:40 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on October 14, 2022, 12:42:15 pm
Spoiler: I figured it out, I'm sure I'm not the first (click to show/hide)
Post by: hector13 on October 14, 2022, 12:44:55 pm
::) What's a dukdoo?
Dukdoo deez nuts.
Wait.
Post by: Starver on October 14, 2022, 01:10:45 pm
I hear that a couple of oil-industry executives have been arrested after throwing flowers at an Andy Warhole picture.
Post by: MrRoboto75 on October 18, 2022, 10:32:01 am
Post by: Rolan7 on December 01, 2022, 02:47:20 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/EPQQNjQ.png)
A+ no notes
Post by: Il Palazzo on December 01, 2022, 03:18:49 pm
Post by: hector13 on December 01, 2022, 03:21:26 pm
Unceasing Titraters
4/10
8/10
1/10
7/10
3/10
9/10
5/10
3/10
Post by: Rolan7 on December 01, 2022, 03:24:21 pm
(also Kiln Kin yes, and Critical Pointers)
Post by: Rolan7 on December 11, 2022, 11:53:38 pm
Apologies for the narcissism
That react is "SAME" because I hate how much I cackled at my own joke
Post by: King Zultan on December 12, 2022, 02:56:39 am
Post by: Starver on December 12, 2022, 12:38:13 pm
Post by: None on December 12, 2022, 12:42:10 pm
(https://i.imgur.com/8a4uMpm.png)
Apologies for the narcissism
That react is "SAME" because I hate how much I cackled at my own joke
We love a good joke.
And not to steal your thunder, but would that make Scatman John the... Lead singer?
Post by: hector13 on December 12, 2022, 12:46:37 pm
Post by: None on December 12, 2022, 02:03:39 pm
Post by: A_Curious_Cat on December 13, 2022, 12:04:07 am
I think that’s the start of a plumb- er, I mean pun war.
Lead the way!
Post by: TD1 on December 14, 2022, 10:40:08 am
I think that’s the start of a plumb- er, I mean pun war.
Will we hear about it on Pb82S?
Post by: a1s on December 14, 2022, 05:10:56 pm
Post by: Rolan7 on December 18, 2022, 09:06:14 pm
I figure it'd just be part of regular chemistry and also nothing would be alive to debate its difficulty or nonexistence :o
(https://i.imgur.com/dSYgPQC.png)
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Kagus on December 21, 2022, 03:45:03 am
They/them.
Post by: hector13 on December 21, 2022, 04:02:11 am
Post by: Jrleebus on January 15, 2023, 03:50:48 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Eric Blank on January 15, 2023, 06:08:19 pm
It's always a one-hit KO
Post by: a1s on February 28, 2023, 03:20:10 am
I think "The Phagocyte" is a great name for a gay bar.
Post by: Rolan7 on April 03, 2023, 06:05:41 pm
Quote from: Lions Led By Donkeys
This year for Lent I'm giving up.
Post by: Rolan7 on April 20, 2023, 11:16:23 am
"I (they/she) wish to share in your curse, and become a vampire myself!"
"Ohoho! You would go so far for eternal life?"
"Isn't dying the first step, followed by being hounded forever?"
"How wise. Then you seek supernatural power, strength and speed?"
"I wouldn't have made it here without all that."
"True. Then you desire unnatural beauty and forbidden allure~"
"Ehh, my partners and I kinda like my rugged androgyny. Beauty standards are fleeting."
"...What, you just want to suck blood?"
"Not blood, no."
"Mortal. Why are you here."
"The mirror thing is true, right? No reflection?"
"..."
"..."
"Aw, honey..."
Post by: Loud Whispers on April 21, 2023, 08:35:10 am
Post by: Bumber on April 24, 2023, 09:06:21 pm
A bow is an accessory to murder. 🎀🎯☠
Post by: Eric Blank on May 21, 2023, 08:02:41 pm
Because the plot was ribbiting!
Post by: martinuzz on May 31, 2023, 06:29:01 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Starver on June 26, 2023, 03:58:13 pm
In fact, I really do try to push the envelope. Though it's definitely much harder if there's a stamp on it.
Post by: Rolan7 on August 03, 2023, 10:41:59 pm
I date both men and NBs
Post by: Great Order on August 03, 2023, 10:48:58 pm
Dated a Welsh girl with 36 double Ds.
It was a ridiculously long name.
Pollution is out of control. The other day I opened a tin of sardines only to find it was full of oil and the fish were dead.
What's brown and green, has four legs, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A snooker table
I was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer.
Then it hit me.
Post by: lemon10 on August 04, 2023, 04:08:18 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Rolan7 on August 04, 2023, 08:35:32 am
Who is the most patient dictator?Yeah, Stalin wasn't actually rushin'!Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Loud Whispers on August 04, 2023, 08:40:55 am
Yeah, Stalin wasn't actually rushin'!Really Putin the terrible in the terrible jokes thread :P
Post by: zhijinghaofromchina on August 04, 2023, 11:14:59 pm
One day he asks his friends to write some word for his music but he uses a terrible joke . He was troubled with the hereditary aphthous stomatitis that can not be cured , but he told the targets that he got a mouth cancer on his LIPS,when his targets were shocked ,he get to tell his order.
That is truly a terrible joke
Post by: Great Order on August 07, 2023, 11:30:04 pm
How does a woman hold her liquor?
By the ears.
Post by: Loud Whispers on August 08, 2023, 06:06:57 am
Post by: Starver on August 29, 2023, 01:01:59 pm
Post by: Loud Whispers on August 30, 2023, 05:19:27 am
Some people obsess over collecting stamps, but I say you'll get more pleasure and profit from classic movie posters. You've just got to look at the bigger picture...Nah, collect paper money instead. Each one is note worthy
Post by: TD1 on August 30, 2023, 10:33:18 am
Post by: Bumber on September 14, 2023, 10:15:21 am
Post by: Starver on September 14, 2023, 11:31:56 am
Post by: Kagus on September 14, 2023, 02:36:51 pm
Post by: Starver on October 30, 2023, 10:12:34 am
And I also haven't bothered to get any treats, so it's a good job I've not spent any time cleaning and decorating.
Post by: Frumple on October 30, 2023, 11:33:12 am
Post by: Eric Blank on October 30, 2023, 06:37:59 pm
Post by: Egan_BW on October 30, 2023, 06:41:39 pm
Post by: King Zultan on October 31, 2023, 02:24:47 am
Halloween decor most based: "Released hundreds of snakes in yard at first sign of children, locked door, took nap"Little kid dresses as Indiana Jones "Why did it have to be snakes?"
Post by: Starver on December 02, 2023, 12:19:37 pm
Which must mean that they block all social media.
Post by: zhijinghaofromchina on December 05, 2023, 09:47:51 am
The winner paid for the dinner ,
the loser went to the hospital .
Post by: Rolan7 on December 06, 2023, 02:53:20 pm
Her: "Does your father know?"
Me: "Nah, she still thinks she's a man"
Surprising thought. Considered, chuckled, discarded timeline
Post by: Rolan7 on December 20, 2023, 10:16:43 pm
Beholding the cockpit of a De Havailland Comet, full of control interfaces
Quote from: Alice Avizandum, speaking
You know what, that looks pretty in a different way. To me this contains a distinct, unmistakable transgender vibe and I'm not sure how. It's very difficult to explain.
Spoiler: Devon, annotating later (click to show/hide)
Earlier, actually:
Quote from: Justin
I sexually identify as a 1950s airliner
Quote from: Alice
I might start to be honest... have a lot of 1960s flight attendant looking women inside me...
Quote from: Devon, annotating
FUCKS SAKE ALICEhttps://youtu.be/hlVBUO59l6s?t=4369
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 21, 2023, 06:47:27 am
Post by: Eric Blank on December 22, 2023, 03:27:40 pm
Post by: Starver on December 22, 2023, 03:54:16 pm
(Meanwhile, many aerodromes actually self-identified as commercial harbours. But enough about the issues of being trans-port.)
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 24, 2023, 06:34:12 am
Post by: Schmaven on December 24, 2023, 06:38:52 pm
And so we finally come full circle to at last sexually identify as an attack helicopter
There would surely be no shortage of sparks flying in the bedroom in that case.
Post by: Kagus on December 24, 2023, 07:07:21 pm
Post by: Il Palazzo on December 24, 2023, 07:11:57 pm
Post by: klefenz on December 25, 2023, 07:54:51 pm
Did Elon Musk rename Twitter to X.com to prepare for an alien invasion?
Post by: Loud Whispers on December 27, 2023, 07:51:52 pm
If the script writing AIs stop working until they get a fair wage, is it a drone strike?Haha, very nice joke, very clever
Did Elon Musk rename Twitter to X.com to prepare for an alien invasion?Unlike Xcom, your joke doesn't miss
Post by: Starver on March 30, 2024, 10:46:18 am
Post by: TD1 on April 04, 2024, 10:32:26 am
Did Elon Musk rename Twitter to X.com to prepare for an alien invasion?
Looking a planet to invade? X marks the spot.
Post by: Great Order on April 04, 2024, 10:17:40 pm
He looks around, and sees that the ocean is dark red. The beach is also dark red and the sky's dark red.
He heads inland, and sees dark red flowers, and dark red trees with dark red fruit.
He looks at his hands, and is shocked to see that his skin is also dark red.
He realises he's been marooned.
Post by: Eric Blank on April 28, 2024, 03:20:31 am
Because of the pastryarchy
this joke was stolen from elsewhere
Post by: MaxTheFox on April 28, 2024, 07:35:43 am
Spoiler: Punchline (click to show/hide)
Post by: a1s on April 28, 2024, 03:24:27 pm
Post by: dragdeler on May 01, 2024, 09:24:48 pm