Dear Urist McWeaponsmith
I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.
But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.
Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer
Dear Urist McWeaponsmith
I greatly appreciate that you're so devoted to your work. After you got whatever idea you have in your head, I'm impressed by the way you kicked Urist McArmorer out of his Forge and Armour production for our small under-equipped army. In truth, it was amazing to watch as you ran around and seemingly claimed, one by one, one of every precious metal in our bar stockpile. Truly, the weapon you are designing must be of great might and power.
But please, listen to me when I say this, because I can't stress it enough: We have no silk. We have no means to produce silk. We have no means to produce the means required to produce silk. Please, just forget about the silk and make me my artefact ultimate weapon.
Yours Sincerely,
Urist McReallyHopingTheCaravanComesInTime, Overseer
open cavern ->build loom ->Collect Webs/R ->Weave Thread into Silk/R
Dear Incoming Immigrants: Due to housing concerns all dwarves not in possession of desired skills will shortly be sent to resettlement camps. There will be loads of free booze. Please ignore the large bridges surrounding the party area.
THE LOVEMAKING SITE!!!
Memo to: Wrestler Squad, the Fenced Diversions, Barrack AThe Gloved Loves?
From: Mayor Urist McRedface
Gentlemen:
Please refrain from tearing off your comrades' armour and clothing while sparring in the barracks. The human trade liaison was very upset at the display.
I originally understood this thread title differently than it was intended (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_Abby), and I have written this "letter to Urist" in in that spirit and style.
Dear Urist,
There are two dwarves in my fortress (we'll call them Ashley and Troy) that have been "lovers" for a decade! They just can't seem to take that final leap, even though they are constantly hosting parties and are a general socializing force of nature. I think the problem is that these two live in a Deon Genesis mod fort, and she is the psychiatrist. Ashley on the other hand, is an Obsidian Dwarf with very little to do other than the occasional pumping and engraving duties. Nothing all that common in a 10 year old fort! (the last of the pump stacks yet to be automated have been delayed just so he can get a small amount of work). My question is, how can I get them to finally commit?
- Hopeless Matchmaker
Dear Flaede,
It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship. It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off. Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves? Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public? "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say. If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.
Yrs.
Urist McAbbey
We should totally make a Dear Urist thread.
Dear Flaede,
It sounds like "Troy" either has fears of commitment, or he is not looking for that kind of relationship. It sounds to me as if he may be around "Ashley" merely to get his rocks off. Does he spend long nights down damp, dark tunnels with other dwarves? Has he been seen stroking his beard with other lady dwarves or wave his pick around in public? "Why buy the maggot if he can get the milk for free" as they say. If I were Ashley, I'd tell him he needs to face up to some real commitment or he can put his Plump Helmet somewhere else.
Yrs.
Urist McAbbey
Dear Urist McIceskater, please for the love of god stay off the damn ice. You know it's gonna melt, it always does. You've seen three of your fellow dwarves fall in an drown, and yet every time there's ice, off you go!
Also forum people, who think Slade is a myth:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Right. I gave Slade [PREFSTRING:IMPOSSIBILITY TO GET]Also forum people, who think Slade is a myth:Spoiler (click to show/hide)
We know this. We don't want our dwarves knowing it, because then they could like it and thus mandate it.
We know this. We don't want our dwarves knowing it, because then they could like it and thus mandate it.
But mandating the capture of a dragon?shhhhh you'll give them ideas
Dear Idiots,
The water source is right. there. It's right down the hallway. You can't not see it.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McBedridden,
Ya, they're never gonna get that water for you. For what it's worth, I've made you a very nice gold sarcophagus.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Not watering McBedridden is a service to the fortress.
Not watering McBedridden is a service to the fortress.
Lan Likotrigoth,
Firstly, I very much appreciate your having a mood and becoming a Legendary Armorsmith. Believe me, this is a good thing. However, if I may offer just the slightest bit of constructive criticism. A single Adamantine boot, while certainly very pretty, and ... well ... astoundingly valuable ... is nonetheless a single boot.
Dear Urist McFancypantsAhoy there, Fancypants!
Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work. You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.
STOP RIDING THE FREAKING DUMPED STONE INTO THE VOLCANO YOU IDIOTS
(http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/pictures/2000/02/03/DrStrangelove.jpg)?
Dear Urist McWallClimber
I honestly have no idea how you got on top that wall, and quite frankly, if you hadn't given birth up there, chances are I never would have found you, and you would have starved. Seriously, how did you get on top of a wall with no stairs, or any connection to the mountainside? At least your pet duckling was with you.
Signed, your eternally perplexed and bemused overlord.
Dear Urist McFancypantsAhoy there, Fancypants!
Yes, your pants are indeed fancy, but that is no excuse to not work. You have been on break for TWO SEASONS now.
....
Sorry, couldn't help myself, been playing the original monkey island recently.
I'll just be over there ===>
...
Dear Urist McPossessedChild,To be fair, the kid was possessed.
Really now, the subject matter of your latest project, entitled 'The Secretive Culmination', is just inappropriate for a child your age. I mean really, creating masterpiece artworks that are 'relating to the foundation of the Beguiler of Souls by The Enjoyable Bodices of The Long Mine'?
What would your mother think?
To the queen:
Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!
Overlord.
To the queen:
Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!
Overlord.
Overlord.
Assign someone to do it under "Architecture", under the "Other" heading of the labours screen, or by using Dwarf Therapist. Skill levels aren't important for this.
Your King (Crossdressing is fun, alright?)
To the queen:
Please please please send me someone I can use. I got enough metalsmiths, but I havent got anyone to make my trading depot!!!
Overlord.
Overlord.
Assign someone to do it under "Architecture", under the "Other" heading of the labours screen, or by using Dwarf Therapist. Skill levels aren't important for this.
Your King (Crossdressing is fun, alright?)
PS to the board: since .16 dwarfes ignore suspended walls and build from those places again .. how to circumvent .. its annoying to play that lottery till one dwarf gets that correct :(
Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.
war... what? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FlatWhat) ok. I'll take your word for it.I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.
I modded in war camels...DON'T JUDGE ME!war... what? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FlatWhat) ok. I'll take your word for it.I couldn't afford extra axes, I had to pay for my war camels somehow.Dear people at the Mountainhome,
Was it really necessary to send me 3 fucking wood cutters, they don't even have fucking axes.
Signed,
The person receiving the 3 useless woodcutters.
Ps. I hope they love hauling stuff.
I always embark with like 5 axes for just this reason.
Dear Everyone:
STOP BEING SO DAMN SCARED OF THE FORGOTTEN BEAST BEHIND THE FORTIFICATIONS. IT CAN'T HURT YOU FROM THERE.
Sincerely,
Your VERY FRUSTRATED overlord.
Can we have "No, seriously, DO IT ANYWAY" in this game yet?
Dear Children of the Fort:
Please do not stand on top of your parents while they are trying to work.
Management
ps. Cats, this goes for you too.
Dear UristMcMilitaryMom,Dwarven C-section?
I like to think of myself as a pro-active and forward thinking overbeing by letting men, women, and even non-dwarfs serve side by side in our pround military. What confuses me is that when you enter the danger room with your squad, and the lever pulled, THEN AND ONLY THEN is when you have your child! Did you not see the +Dwarf Baby Blood+ on the walls?! Because yaknow, 4 babies have already died in there! Did you think, "Oh hey, repeatedly stabbing spikes coated in +Dwarf Baby Blood+, what a great place to have a baby!"
Until further notice you will have 2 armed guards and multiple warbeasts following you in case of tantrum.
Love, the Overseer.
And thus ends the communist ideal of equality.Yes, but, he was instantly killed by an "unfortunate event"
I believe the joke was that, by getting now treated differently, your dorfs didn't benefit the communist ideal of equality anymore.And thus ends the communist ideal of equality.Yes, but, he was instantly killed by an "unfortunate event"
Sorry, i got something wrong, have some sewer VODKA as a sorry presentI believe the joke was that, by getting now treated differently, your dorfs didn't benefit the communist ideal of equality anymore.And thus ends the communist ideal of equality.Yes, but, he was instantly killed by an "unfortunate event"
Or maybe I don't know enough about communism?
EDIT: huh, sorry, you changed your post right before I quoted D:
Dear EVERYONE,
STOP THE FUCK DECONSTRUCTING FLOORS HOLDING OTHER FLOORS WITH YOUR FELLOW DWARVES ON THEM.
Signed,
The very ticked off Overseer
This can be prevented by designating only one row of floors be deconstructed at any given time. Keep in mind that dwarves prefer to deconstruct a floor from the tile on it's left, so deconstruct things from right to left only. This goes for channeling and construction designations as well.
Dear Urist McOtherMayor,
you seem to have an unhealthy passion for maces. First, you forbid their exportation, which didn't change a damn thing anyway because no merchant showed up during that mandate. Then you ordered to have maces made. I spent precious ore that could be put to much better use to make these, knowing no one in my army would ever equip these. I fulfilled your request a bit before the deadline, that was fine.
What do you ask for next?
EVEN MORE ARMOKFORSAKEN MACES.
Just what the hell do you plan to do with all these maces?!
...
... wait, actually, I don't think I want to know, after all.
Signed,
your overseer.
P.S. : watch your office.
Urist McDoctor,pretend he's a noble.
I understand, sometimes people get ideas that they just have to bring to life. And at times like that, it's easy to get excited. But when you are a doctor, and you are treating an axedwarf who was bitten by a gorilla and is bleeding from the liver, (a very important organ for dwarves) I do not care whether or not you are an armorsmith, making that artifact iron shield can wait!
I nicknamed that doctor "House". It sort of fits, since his only good medical skill is Diagnosticism... Now I just need to injure his leg somehow... ::)
You got a point. However, in the meanwhile, she's ordered to have even more maces done, and the sheer fact it's maces again drives me crazy.Dear Urist McOtherMayor,
you seem to have an unhealthy passion for maces. First, you forbid their exportation, which didn't change a damn thing anyway because no merchant showed up during that mandate. Then you ordered to have maces made. I spent precious ore that could be put to much better use to make these, knowing no one in my army would ever equip these. I fulfilled your request a bit before the deadline, that was fine.
What do you ask for next?
EVEN MORE ARMOKFORSAKEN MACES.
Just what the hell do you plan to do with all these maces?!
...
... wait, actually, I don't think I want to know, after all.
Signed,
your overseer.
P.S. : watch your office.
You lucky git. My Mayor keeps demanding rings and my other nobles all want items out of metals I DON'T HAVE.
I would kill for a noble that only wanted maces
...his left hand and wing...
Dear Count ShitForBrains,
Only 1 barrel of dwarven ale out of 40 is in the room with the rotting, stinking, burning carcass, in the room absolutely furthest away from your suite, which has a barrel of dwarven ale parked for convenience. So...you just had to bring your guest the human law-giver all the way down there?
Dear Urist,3rd Granite
I have scheduled you to feed patients and recover wounded. Why do you try to fill the already full hospital cistern, while Lokum McDecoratedHero starves dehydratedly to death no three tiles away from you? Also, you might find it funny to place a full bucket one tile away from him, but he has a broken spine and is surely not amused. Don't let him kick the bucket, or at least dig out his tomb!
Love,
your Overseer
Dear Urist,8th Felsite
You were successful. Lokum McDecoratedHero has died from dehydration. Now, please stop ignoring his corpse and bury him? A rotting Dwarf in the hospital is not hygienic.
Yours sincerely,
your Overseer
PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.
PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.
Hint: Giant Cave Spiders
Dear Urist McBarrelwaster,
STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS. >:( >:( >:( >:( THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR. Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want. Booze can only be stored in barrels. Seeds can be stored in bags and bins. Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made. If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.
Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord
Dear Urist McBarrelwaster,
STOP WASTING BARRELS ON SEEDS. >:( >:( >:( >:( THAT'S. WHAT. BAGS. ARE. FOR. Seriously, just because the booze barrel is empty doesn't mean you can use it for whatever you want. Booze can only be stored in barrels. Seeds can be stored in bags and bins. Without barrels for booze, booze cannot be made. If you want to continue drinking booze, then quit being stupid.
Signed,
Your Frustrated Benevolent Overlord
Reserve barrels (p menu, * to increase the number or barrel that won't be used for storage untill some job requires them).
PS. For the love of Armok, somebody mercy kill McComa. The poor bastard just keeps flopping off his bed and falling unconcious. I hear his screams constantly, and it haunts me.
Hint: Giant Cave Spiders
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommanderWait, A NOBLE IS DOING GOOD?!
...
Keep up the good work. That is all.
Wait, A NOBLE IS DOING GOOD?!It happens, believe it. My count and my commander both kick ass.
Dear Gem Setter,
You know, I was kinda hoping you were going to pimp out the new iron armour a little. Not sure why you didn't, I mean, the metalsmith's forge is closer than the wagon you got the rope from. I mean, I suppose we could sell it to the traders, but... I mean, how does one even encrust a rope? How does that even work? You know what, it's fine, it's my fault for assuming one of you morons would take the very undwarfy option of using logic.
Signed,
Your Tired Overseer,
PS putting menacing spikes on a splint is a fantastic idea.
Dear Urist McJuniorEngineer,Says everything.
Dear Urist McJuniorEngineer,Says everything.
#safety#
# #
# #
# #
# ^ #
############ | ############
|
d g
#safety#
# #
# #
# #
# #
############ ############
<------ d g
Dear Kobolds.
I don't hate you. I really don't. When ever I catch one of you in the cage traps that are occasionally scattered around for arena fodder I let you go free. You aren't doing any harm, and as long as the dogs are around you stay out of the gate which is where you belong.
One of your item liberators had discovered a group of goblins sneaking their way to my fortress. The kobold had managed to escape with some minor wounds, and had managed to inflict a good wound on one of the goblins as well of breaking their ambush before it could do harm.
I propose an alliance, you break ambush parties up for me, as that one kobold has done, and I'll make sure some choice items are left of the field to be collected at your leisure. Instead of the usual atom smash everything not metal treatment.
I hope to see you next season.
The administration of SmoulderCrater
Dear Kobolds.
I don't hate you. I really don't. When ever I catch one of you in the cage traps that are occasionally scattered around for arena fodder I let you go free. You aren't doing any harm, and as long as the dogs are around you stay out of the gate which is where you belong.
One of your item liberators had discovered a group of goblins sneaking their way to my fortress. The kobold had managed to escape with some minor wounds, and had managed to inflict a good wound on one of the goblins as well of breaking their ambush before it could do harm.
I propose an alliance, you break ambush parties up for me, as that one kobold has done, and I'll make sure some choice items are left of the field to be collected at your leisure. Instead of the usual atom smash everything not metal treatment.
I hope to see you next season.
The administration of SmoulderCrater
I wish. Toady, are you listening? :)
Dear UristMcVeryUnhappy,
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Confused, your grant overmind.
Dear UristMcVeryUnhappy,I guess he really doesn't like miasma.
Why the fuck are you unhappy???
I have a dining room made of blue stuff.
Your bedroom is made of blue stuff, with a blue stuff door.
You don't even have a bad thought from strangling that crundle, BUT WHY IN THE FUCKING SPOILERS ARE YOU UNHAPPY????Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Confused, your grant overmind.
edit: OMFG I just realized that that isn't an elvish ambassador. It is the DWARVEN one. From last fall. I think I might just cry now.
No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa. It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.
- Rith Lolorngotol, Weaver and Ex-Speardwarf
I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!
COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!
Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.
Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse
- The Administrator
- Rith Lolorngotol, Weaver and Ex-Speardwarf
I know you can't read this, so I'm going to get one of the doctors to read it out to you, in hope that it manages to pierce your think skull. While we are all incredibly grateful for your help in the defence of the fortress, you have been in a coma for two whole years. And for what? Massive head trauma? Missing torso? No! Your left foot is cut open! That's it!
COME ON MAN! One of your comrades had both his hands cut open, and just like you he got no treatment from the embarrassments that are the medical team. But did he stay in bed? No! He got up and kept trying to move things until his hands had healed! He's now right back in the military, taking YOUR place!
Again, we appreciate your services. But at this stage it feels like you're deliberately keeping your wound open so you'll be waited on hand and foot! If you are not awake and fully healed by the end of this year, we're just going to wall you in and leave you to die. Then your body shall be unceremoniously thrown on the mountainside, and your name struck from the record.
Hoping you don't wake up, so I can euthanise your lazy arse
- The Administrator
Cave-in him into the magma sea!
?
Dear Captain of the Guard,
It has come to my attention that there may be a problem with the way you enforce the justice of this home. While a righteous zeal is always appreciated, there is such a thing as too much force. In particular, complaints have reached our ears where your fellow dwarves claim that you have: (1) Chained prisoners together and watched them fight to the death (2) Executed unconcious dwarves in the hospital (3) Sentenced dwarves to years in prison for minor offenses like taking off their shirt, and (4) totally annihilated an entire fortress stuck in a tantrum spiral, leaving only yourself and your militia intact.
Signed with my dying breath, your mayor
Elves are smears.
That's a good term. Crew, or mob, or gaggle.
Goblins would be a murder, like crows. Or, perhaps, a 'smear'.
Dear Urist McBaron,...
Your efforts to help out Admiredale by mining in your spare time are much appreciated, especially as you are a legendary miner. While we extend our sincerest apologies for the channeling accident that occurred while you were making the power supply for the magma pumpstack, we do feel that your injuries would be recovered faster if you stopped staggering out of bed.
The Management
________________________
Dear Urists McDoctors,
No, your patients generally aren't resting after you drag them out of bed and slam them onto a bloodstained operating table. They're probably quite alarmed. But that doesn't mean you should give up and go for a drink, leaving them stranded on the bloody operationg table. At the very least put the poor dwarves back first. Even if they are noble. We haven't invented Marxism just yet!
The Management
Dear Forgotten Beast,You met it, too?
YOU ARE MADE OF SALT! YOU SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SWIM! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY STAIRCASE!
Signed,
A terrified surface-dweller
I mean more like "stop being interrupted by something that's not currently hurting you".I once had a miner who was missing an eye. He was the best miner ever because he couldn't see harmless moles across the chasm.
Dear Urist McBrokerandLeader,
I realize you really do not want to meet with the outpost liaison. It was evident when, despite having every labor turned off, you insisted on hauling things around. However, it is utterly unacceptable - if hilarious, in the short term - for you to trick the liaison into standing on the wrong side of the floodgate you're currently installing. I am sure he will have some words for you when he is released.
Sincerely,
The Management.
Dear Urist McAnimaltrainer,
<hopy shit>
Enjoy your promotion, Urist McBadass.
Dear Vabok (High Master Lye Maker, Adequate Woodcutter, Dabbling Conversationalist, Legendary Meatshield):
Your tomb is ready. It has a statue of your god, engraved walls, and a small stockpile of specially commissioned lye to honor the trade you dedicated your life to and never got to pursue in our fort. Just die already. Really, it's OK. You have already done more than anyone expected. You are a true dwarf and everyone owes you.
That said: if you survive, you are so getting promoted. Militia commander or captain of the guard, depending on how much the doctors can fix you. Either way, you're getting a lovely apartment of your own and no more hauling for the rest of your days. So, you know, keep swinging that shoe.
The Overseer
General Notification to all Urists From Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows:
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated. effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child. All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena. We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.
Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows
Dear Urist McHero,
You are the definition of why you shouldn't be a hero. There was a whole legion of goblin bowmen on the other side of the bridge, the one that spans over a volcano. That they HAVE to use to get into our fortress. I told you to go behind a corner in the hallway to protect yourself from their arrows while they run on the bridge so UristMcDoesn'tHaveAJob can pull the lever to raise the bridge and send them all to their doom. Instead, you decided to charge on ahead, across the bridge. I'm sure you were very confused when I very intentionally didn't send the rest of your squad to help you and let you die. By the way, thanks for taking down 3 or 4 of those goblins while you were in a martial trance. Want to know something interesting? If you had stayed with your squad, you probably would have killed many more, and more importantly, NOT DIED.
Dear Military,
How in the hell did a goblin elite bowman manage to evade attacks from 5 of you at once, headshot one and take limbs off a few others while running, and still hurt you as you stood around him in a corner poking at him? Seriously, you should all be ashamed of yourselves, this is exactly why I train you to be good fighters and dodgers.
Your entire squad only had one brain which they collectively shared. Unfortunately for you, your dorf who charged across the bridge took it with him when he did so and it enabled him to go into a martial trance. However, with him, the squad's collective brain died and so too did their combat ability.
General Notification to all Urists From Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows:
Due to the overpopulation problem in our fair fortress a new law has been instated. effective immediately, all families are allowed only one, count them, ONE child. All Urist McBabbyMakers who are currently pregnant will report to the danger room, and any children who are not first born will report to the arena. We thank you all for you cooperation in advance, and trust you will continue your pathetic lives.
Remember: Happiness is mandatory.
Your Loving Comrade what Lurks in the Shadows
War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
HAIL BIGBROTHERURIST!!!
Oh. Man. Is cheapass still around? I thought that company folded!
Actually, it's a Paranoia reference, not a 1984 reference.Kinda a combination because I'm sure Friend Computer wouldn't call itself "comrade."
Dear Dr. Urist
You have all medical labors activated.
NOW GO SAVE URISTMCHELPLESS, WHO JUST HAD HIS FOOT RIPPED OFF.
GO AND HELP HIM,
Your invisible diety.
Actually, it's a Paranoia reference, not a 1984 reference.Kinda a combination because I'm sure Friend Computer wouldn't call itself "comrade."
lulzI've kept all the doctors I've had. They are filling almost one full page in the nits screen. D:
actually keep the doctor though. I had a dwarf die with 2 great doctors around... very helpful when fighting hoards of trolls from the caverns :D
Dear Military of SlingChained,
You are all brave fighters, but losing 8 of your multi-legendary goblin grinding machines to a demon made of salt is not a good example. You will not be buried because you all died to a demon made of vomit.
Sincerely,
The nearly dead fortress.
Dear all Urist mcmigrants,What are you? An Elf?
Stop bringing legendary metalcrafters with you. We don't make metal crafts here.
Yours truly,
Lashgift
Why would anyone make metal crafts? It's all about weapons and armor. Nothing says decadence like 12 sets of gold and platinum inlaid, black sapphire, star sapphire, white diamond, black diamond encrusted masterwork steel armor for everyone in the fortress, soldier or no.
errr , yeah , go on , i'll laugh when you run out of crap to sell to the merchantsBah. A single legendary stonecrafter working non-stop can easily make enough crafts out of worthless stone to buy out entire caravans. And if you really want high-value renewable exports there's masterwork cheese and syrup roasts.
Why would anyone make metal crafts? It's all about weapons and armor. Nothing says decadence like 12 sets of gold and platinum inlaid, black sapphire, star sapphire, white diamond, black diamond encrusted masterwork steel armor for everyone in the fortress, soldier or no.
errr , yeah , go on , i'll laugh when you run out of crap to sell to the merchants
you beard-for-brained moron.
You'd be surprised, I've seen a few dwarves that can match atleast the intelligence of a monkey.you beard-for-brained moron.
You do know that that is every dwarf ever?
Dear Urist McSitechooser,
I suppose I am not as miffed as I could have been. I did not, thankfully, spend much time trying to rescue you and your 6 companions from the fate you clearly wanted. However, in case it is not obvious to you, a lake which literally opens up into the mouth of Hell is not a suitable place for a new settlement to extend the power and glory of the Mountianhomes. Please enjoy gargling demon mayonaise.
your Bugged Out Overseer
Dear Rimtar Kedushat, Queen of The Neutral Wooden Hanes,
Stop sending adept jewelers and great liar/dyers. We don't do anything involving jewels you beard-for-brained moron.
You have an extra 's' in there.
Also, artifact corkscrew + other stuff = simultaneous noble-pleasing device and noble-"cleansing" device.
Dear UristMcFeyWeaponsmiths, no we didn't need a second adamantine mace, we didn't even need the first, neither did we need the aluminum battle axe or McBowyers legendary blowgun. Thanks for making my game crash when i tried to sentence you to a painful death at the hands of a deadly dust forgotten beast. Now UristMcCook can become our forts 10th legendary bonecarver after i reload.You're not entirely right in the head, are you? :o
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.
Dear UristMcFeyWeaponsmiths, no we didn't need a second adamantine mace, we didn't even need the first, neither did we need the aluminum battle axe or McBowyers legendary blowgun. Thanks for making my game crash when i tried to sentence you to a painful death at the hands of a deadly dust forgotten beast. Now UristMcCook can become our forts 10th legendary bonecarver after i reload.You're not entirely right in the head, are you? :o
Sincerly, the guy who has a picture from an adamantine war hammer named the healing spots (that is from a fort before) on half his artifacts.
Err, oops. I forgot about that. I can see the problem. Still, it has value I suppose.You're not entirely right in the head, are you? :o
Cotton Candy blunt weapons are as good as a weapon made of actual cotton candy.
Dear Urist McMilitary,
You took down a freakin' 600 year old ETTIN who had been terrorizing the country side with a ragtag group with copper armor and weapons and suffered NO casualties. How in the name of Armok did all 30 of you get wasted by 3 leather clad, silver axe wielding goblins? Dwarven Warriors... I am disappoint.
Sincerely,
your disappointed Overseer
(http://img10.mediafire.com/98f947eb86fb45c2eaf9cd6affad371cb733f3be20a7a04c6ddac6db9f5b7d0b4g.jpg)
I just had to make this.
Why, broker, why must everything else be so much more important to you than going to the god-damned depot? And why does nobody else turn up when you decide it's time for a kip, or a smoke-o?
Dear Urist McHunter,I had this happen right now.
How on earth did you manage to get on top of that tree?
-Your Perplexed Overseer
Dear Uristdon't you have this all the time?
Why?
-armok
why did you choose my tiny little one that hasn't even existed for two full years yet?
I do, as it happens, have, sort of, plans for a whole milk industry
Dear Urist McWallbuilders
After getting tired of fidgeting with you when you decided to build from the wrong side, I decided to just watch and see if you could manage on your own.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Despite your incredulous idiocy, you are all in luck. Those expansion shafts for the drowning chambers are not connected yet, and the hatches you're standing on are just a short drop from the floor, so you should all escape unharmed... Once I decide that you've suffered enough in your self-inflicted isolation and give the order to pull the lever.
Jelly
Dear Urist McWallbuildersi can feel your disappontment man
After getting tired of fidgeting with you when you decided to build from the wrong side, I decided to just watch and see if you could manage on your own.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Despite your incredulous idiocy, you are all in luck. Those expansion shafts for the drowning chambers are not connected yet, and the hatches you're standing on are just a short drop from the floor, so you should all escape unharmed... Once I decide that you've suffered enough in your self-inflicted isolation and give the order to pull the lever.
Jelly
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
You don't have to stop fishing when you see a carp. You know why? It is a god damn fish! Catch the fucking thing and stop telling me there is nothing to catch in the swamps or you will find yourself reassigned to being the broker's personal ball scratcher so that maybe he will show up to the trade post before the traders leave instead of scratching his nuts somewhere by the river.
(http://img10.mediafire.com/98f947eb86fb45c2eaf9cd6affad371cb733f3be20a7a04c6ddac6db9f5b7d0b4g.jpg)Layering?
Dear Urist McGhost,
I am deeply saddened to hear that you have been rejected entrance to the afterlife due to a lack of proper burial. However, that is no excuse to pester all the other dwarves who did not lack the mental capacity to refrain from standing under a deploying drawbridge. Hopefully you will understand and stop wandering around our water cistern.
Yours,
Tireanvil Administration
Fell dwarves can murder ghosts. Somehow.Imiknorris, I've been wondering about this for a while. Your avatar is very familiar, but I can't quite place my finger on where I've seen it from. Could you tell me what that is from?
Fell dwarves can murder ghosts. Somehow.Imiknorris, I've been wondering about this for a while. Your avatar is very familiar, but I can't quite place my finger on where I've seen it from. Could you tell me what that is from?
13. To the elves of Ithiile Midebi, the Golden-Pear of Vises, stop bringing us your useless wooden shit. Know what we want? Booze. Booze and maybe some animals we can train into war beasts. Maybe a li'l bit of food. Other than that, seriously, nothing you have interests us. Except maybe if you bring some golden pears. We'd like those.If you want to make elven caravans actually useful, diversify into wholesale clothing.
Dear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
Dear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
(Psst! Go into the raws. Find goblins. Add [NATURAL_SKILL:DODGE:20])
Don't you want to have... Fun?
Oh disregard the riff-raff people say these days.Don't you want to have... Fun?
Oh gee-whiz mister, I don't know! I heard that Fun can be bad for you!
You have one job, and one job only: keep this place at least modestly clean.I suspect that dwarves need to be close to cleaning jobs in the same way that corpses need to be close to a butchery. Unfortunately, the only way I can think of of getting idle dwarves into an area is to use meeting areas, and that'll just attract every animal and idle dwarf in the fortress.
Dear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
I actually go out of my way to avoid killing cats in DF, because I like them. My intent is to sustain my dwarves on cattle eventually, but for now the exploding dog population will have to do. All my free-roaming cats, meanwhile, are male (We'll deal with migrant pets when they become an issue).
enjoy the rats and other vermin that eat all your food/boozeDear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
I actually go out of my way to avoid killing cats in DF, because I like them. My intent is to sustain my dwarves on cattle eventually, but for now the exploding dog population will have to do. All my free-roaming cats, meanwhile, are male (We'll deal with migrant pets when they become an issue).
I modded out cats. That's right - I completely retracted them from reality.
enjoy the rats and other vermin that eat all your food/boozeDear Urist McPetCat
Please get out of the trash incinerator. There are better places to sit than on that Goblin's arm. You are very lucky I spotted you and cancelled the "Pull the Lever" order, seeing as you are gray and so are the fifty or so wads of horse and cow hair that you are sharing the incinerator with. You are even luckier that I'm probably the only person in the entire forum who'd fail to jump at the chance to kill a DF cat, pet or not.
I'll come to my senses eventually. Better move now.
I actually go out of my way to avoid killing cats in DF, because I like them. My intent is to sustain my dwarves on cattle eventually, but for now the exploding dog population will have to do. All my free-roaming cats, meanwhile, are male (We'll deal with migrant pets when they become an issue).
I modded out cats. That's right - I completely retracted them from reality.
Memo to treesA tree fell on your miner?
re: Falling on my miners
FUCK. YOU.
That is all.
Memo to self
re: murdering bastard trees
Get Urist McLumberjack to murder them all ASAP.
Yes. Apparently, digging a ramp under a tree results in a tree with no ground beneath it.
If you designated an "outdoor" farm out of ramps... cave-ins
Dear Urist McButcher,
The next time you recover another dwarf barely hanging on to his miserable life please play your own hilarious game of capture the flag with the rampaging troll and using said dieing dwarf as the flag
Sincerely,
Your overlord
If I wanted to slay demons most foul with a pool noodle made of nerf, I'd be playing Hippy Elf Commune instead of Dwarf Fortress. You're lucky you're still marginally useful, or else you'd be in the troll pit, armed only with your mockery of Armok's blessings.
I had a legendary adamantine war hammer on the captain of the guard, and blue candy or not they still kill y'know.this is not true. they kill with adamantine hammers because they can swing the weapon REALLY fast and attack many times. however, they only hit your dwarves thrice.
Well one of my dwarves died in the hands of Urist McPsychoticCaptainoftheGuard who had an adamantine legendary war hammer. Whether they attack real quickly or not legendary adamantine war hammers kill other dwarves, even in the hands of a dabbling hammerdwarf. Maybe it's unlikely but the possibility remains and it happened to me.I had a legendary adamantine war hammer on the captain of the guard, and blue candy or not they still kill y'know.this is not true. they kill with adamantine hammers because they can swing the weapon REALLY fast and attack many times. however, they only hit your dwarves thrice.
Dear Urist McHammerdwarf,
I understand that you have been annoyed by being on active duty for a long time. Thats understandable. But what I DON'T understand is how you can simultaneously be unhappy due to being on active duty for a long time, and also get angry when I "take you out of the military" so you can take a break. I don't know what to do with you. I can put you on patrol, or I can let you relax. Its impossible for me to let you do both at the same time. I want you to be happy, because you're one of my founding seven and I need you to train the peasants with no or useless skills that want in on our fort. Can you see how I am frustrated?
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McHammerdwarf,
I understand that you have been annoyed by being on active duty for a long time. Thats understandable. But what I DON'T understand is how you can simultaneously be unhappy due to being on active duty for a long time, and also get angry when I "take you out of the military" so you can take a break. I don't know what to do with you. I can put you on patrol, or I can let you relax. Its impossible for me to let you do both at the same time. I want you to be happy, because you're one of my founding seven and I need you to train the peasants with no or useless skills that want in on our fort. Can you see how I am frustrated?
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Set his squad to "Active/Training" in the alerts menu.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.
Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Next time you abandon a fort, don't stick around to kill a heavily wounded adventurer when he can't burninate you.
Sincerely,
Gonna destroy your whole world or at least give you a very unpleasant death if I ever find you
You do realize there's an 'edit' button, right? There are only a few scenarios that warrant a doublepost.
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,Dear overseer,
You have one eye.
You have one arm.
You wield a copper battle axe AND copper shield, both of which you've named, while your fellow military are decked in steel.
You are my best and most respected warrior with the most kills
Why did you decide to bite that forgotten beast with deadly extract?
How did you tear the HEAD off the forgotten beast with your TEETH?
How come you walked away unscathed, practically flossing with the beasts sinew, smothered in its blood, and are suffering no effects?
Why is that cat melting?
Sincerely,
Your perplexed but amused overseer.
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,He is all that is dwarf.
You have one eye.
You have one arm.
You wield a copper battle axe AND copper shield, both of which you've named, while your fellow military are decked in steel.
You are my best and most respected warrior with the most kills
Why did you decide to bite that forgotten beast with deadly extract?
How did you tear the HEAD off the forgotten beast with your TEETH?
How come you walked away unscathed, practically flossing with the beasts sinew, smothered in its blood, and are suffering no effects?
Why is that cat melting?
Sincerely,
Your perplexed but amused overseer.
Dear Udil Damutzalis,If he was infact, berserk, then yes, she did have to kill him.
You're a trained military woman, a wrestler to be precise. The bowyer, in the dungeons, was chained up. I know he was causing a scene going berserk at his post, but he couldn't do anything, although apparently some carrying things to stockpiles were so shaken up by the noise he was making they dropped their goods all over the floor. Still, we have taken note of this and construction of a wall is going ahead in the future. I know that discipline is necessary for things like this, a swift beating would do wonders on shutting him up.
You did not have to beat him to death. He was the only Bowyer and may well have come in handy later on. Hell, that's just out of proportion. It worries me that after this you are very happy. I suggest you find better targets for your rage. If you do not, I fear I shall have to take steps.
Sincerely,
The Overlord.
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,He is all that is dwarf.
You have one eye.
You have one arm.
You wield a copper battle axe AND copper shield, both of which you've named, while your fellow military are decked in steel.
You are my best and most respected warrior with the most kills
Why did you decide to bite that forgotten beast with deadly extract?
How did you tear the HEAD off the forgotten beast with your TEETH?
How come you walked away unscathed, practically flossing with the beasts sinew, smothered in its blood, and are suffering no effects?
Why is that cat melting?
Sincerely,
Your perplexed but amused overseer.
Dear Urist MsAxedwarf,
Dear Urist McPartyOrganizers,
I realize that keeping morale up is incredibly important, especially in these dark times when our gates are sealed, entombing us for time uncertain while the ogreish besiegers stare in stupor at the simple raised bridge blocking their access to the tasty dwarven brain snacks within, but enough is enough. This must be the 4th party this year, and I hardly think the circumstances warrant it. Especially so soon after Urist McDepressed chose to starve himself and die of thirst in front of everybody in the meeting hall.
If this grab-assing continues, I'm going to have my best engineers devise a dwarfcatapulttransporter, and have you hand deliver a note to the jealous ogres who await eagerly outside to attend the festivities. The note will be to inform them that they are now invited, and to RSVP. I will also be sure to have the note pinned to the front of your disheveled tunic, so as not to get misplacedin midairen route.
Signed,
Your not-so-festive Benefactor
P.S. There will be cake.
Dear UristMcCastun
to avoid this you can just create meeting zones over all the places you want dorfs to meet, just don't forget to assign the dining room as a.. well dining room :P
Dear UristMcCastun
to avoid this you can just create meeting zones over all the places you want dorfs to meet, just don't forget to assign the dining room as a.. well dining room :P
Avoid what, parties being organized? And how so, does keeping all the dwarves from gathering in the same place help prevent parties?
Dear UristMcCastun
to avoid this you can just create meeting zones over all the places you want dorfs to meet, just don't forget to assign the dining room as a.. well dining room :P
Avoid what, parties being organized? And how so, does keeping all the dwarves from gathering in the same place help prevent parties?
Dear Urist McImmigrant
why, oh why, of all the things you could have brought with you to my fort, did you bring a reindeer? and especially if it was not your pet, why would you bring something with no feasible use other than food? i mean, i would understand if it saved you as a child or something, but seeing as the fort is running low on supplies like food, so i would advise you saying goodbye to your reindeer as quickly as possible, so we can "repossess it"
- your moderately concerned overlord
it wasnt actually his pet, i was just confused at the fact that he dragged it to my fort with him if it WASN'T also the reindeer chops were deliciousDear Urist McImmigrant
why, oh why, of all the things you could have brought with you to my fort, did you bring a reindeer? and especially if it was not your pet, why would you bring something with no feasible use other than food? i mean, i would understand if it saved you as a child or something, but seeing as the fort is running low on supplies like food, so i would advise you saying goodbye to your reindeer as quickly as possible, so we can "repossess it"
- your moderately concerned overlord
WARNING: pets can't be eaten. Kill the owner first.
Dearest Urist McLegendaryWoodcutter,:D
I can understand being upset about the rain. And the cockroaches. And the repetitive food. But when a turkey pecking you in the hand is enough to make you decide to murder everyone in the fort, why did you spare the turkey's life?
Confused, one of the voices in your head.
Dear UristMcNoviceHunter,
I understand that you wish to hone your skills and be a credit to the fort. I also understand that the fort currently has some food problems and that you were trying your best to help your starving brethren. This, however, does not mean hunting elephants with a low quality crossbow and wooden bolts is acceptable.
P.S. If you manage get back to the fort with your wounds I'll consider allowing the doctor to help.
P.P.S. Don't even think about coming back without bringing the lower half of your body.
Sincerely,
The voice in your head telling you to move all of that stone
Dear Kurthyvor*, Dracon Trader
Just because YOU can breathe underwater does not mean your mule can. Stop swimming through the sewer system to get to the trade depot and then having your friends getting pissy and leaving because your mule drown. No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa. It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.
Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning corpses out of the plumbing.
Apologies if this has been mentioned in the 72 pages since.... but Have you considered making their only pack animal something like a giant toad or such? Anything [AMPHIBIAN] will do....
And then, Aquatic Lizard Santa!
Listen, Mayor, I know you REALLY love brass but there is no possible way for me to make you a brass bed (even though that seemingly makes sense) let alone put one in your dining room. Even if by some random chance you got a strange mood there is no brass to be had in our fortress, period.
I wish he'd lose the next election and be replaced by someone who likes magnetite.
Dear Fluffy McKitten
You knew exactly what you were doing, didn't you?
Sincerely,
The Now-Suspicious Observer.
A special message addressed to the Trade Guild Master of the Mountainhomes,
As you know, last year, our band of seven left for the wilderness to set up an outpost. Because of budget cuts, we had to make do without an anvil, but we had prepared the magma forging area well before autumn, so that we may begin smithing operations as soon as possible. We had a good stockpile of stone crafts made by our resident stoneworker to offer in exchange for much needed supplies. Like that anvil. Remember that anvil? Oh.
You forgot it.
Your traders had the gall to showcase the nice bar of steel they brought along, which was easily the most valuable thing they had with them. Well, thanks for the steel. It's a shame we can't use it. Because we have no anvil. We can't make an anvil because we have no anvil.
I don't get how you can forget an anvil. It isn't exactly small or inconspicuous. Our anvils are the very basis of our civilization. Our steel is our strength, just as our strength is our steel. When the goblins come and they find no steel to still their blades, you will be held responsible.
Right now, we have absolutely no means to defend ourselves, since, in your infinite wisdom, also decided we wouldn't need any weapons or armour. Because of YOU, our outpost will now be completely defenseless for another year. I am sending a copy of this letter, as well as a stock report and a list of names of those involved to His Majesty the King. Any deaths as a result of our lack of metal will be attributed to you. Punishment for murder is quite severe. I hope you will reflect on your decisions.
Sincerely,
The Overseer of the dwarven outpost of Syruppartner
To Moody Metalcrafter.
An adamantine table. I guess it would be nice in the baron's office. But why did you put an elf on it? I understand if it's an elf getting killed but an elf traveling?
The Captain of the Guard would like to see you aboutbeing a suspected elf sympathizersomething important. Meeting's at midnight, at the outdoors trade depot. Make sure to wear your spanking new wooden armor. We've just finished installing a new heating apparatus at the depot so that you won't get chilly. Won't do for our new legendary Metalcrafter to catch a cold, now would we? ;)
Sincerely,
The Administration.
We've just finished installing a new heating apparatus at the depot so that you won't get chilly. Won't do for our new legendary Metalcrafter to catch a cold, now would we?
Dear Shem Shemmegid (were your parents smartasses too?),
I can't blame you for doing what you do best in a fit of secretive mood. Really, I'm fine with a chrysoprase amulet. I can live with it. I did not even expect anymore anything useful.
No, what I want to know is why you named Silvermoon an artifact whose sole pictures were shining suns.
Quite the smartass, heh?
Good thing you can't pull that off again, I guess.
Your Overseer who doesn't want a 4th piece of legendary jewelery just because she's female. Where are the artifact armors and weapons?
Dear soldiers,
will you stop going out to fetch socks or some other crap while the Dodge-This traps are not done breaking every bone in the invaders' bodies?
Your Overseer who buried the two offenders in an abandoned empty vein.
Outsourced survival instinct of dwarfkind.I have no idea how to say that it is great without this stupid "I like this".
Seconded.QuoteOutsourced survival instinct of dwarfkind.I have no idea how to say that it is great without this stupid "I like this".
(side view)
X<<
D
(side view)
DX<<
I first built a cistern in my fort to serve my excellent well. Naturally, some fool-ass dwarf falls in it as he tries to engrave part of the inside of the cistern whilst it is filling from an aquifer above, even though he could have done so from the outside, and gets blood in it.
So, I dig out space for another cistern right next to it and start pumping the water out of the well so I can use that as my new, clean cistern. Somehow, even though nobody is injured and there's barely any blood anywhere on the map, some of my dwarves find a way to love blood pools around the pump and nowhere else, and this blood somehow finds its way into the new cistern, rendering it totally useless. Damn you fools!
Dear newly hired captain of the guard. You have now murdered three of the fortresses' five metal smiths. You are assigned a fucking adamantine hammer. Why then do you use your goddamn fists? And how is it a weakling, unskilled bonecarver capable of killing a man with a single punch (twice now!), and why don't you just fucking arrest them. Seriously, if there is one tweak that ever ruined a feature it was targeted shots on prone targets. Brainsmash is not exactly how justice ought to work without a hammerer!
Dear newly hired captain of the guard. You have now murdered three of the fortresses' five metal smiths. You are assigned a fucking adamantine hammer. Why then do you use your goddamn fists? And how is it a weakling, unskilled bonecarver capable of killing a man with a single punch (twice now!), and why don't you just fucking arrest them. Seriously, if there is one tweak that ever ruined a feature it was targeted shots on prone targets. Brainsmash is not exactly how justice ought to work without a hammerer!
You know that fists are better then a adamantine hammer, right? Adamantine hammers are like those inflateable plastic squeaky mallets.
Also inform Urist McMiner that her death has permanently made sure we can not breach the aquifer, and that I will execute her as soon as she dares to stand up.So...You're executing your miner for dying?
How the hell did you manage to park the wagon on the roof of a castle whose only access to the ground was a three story tall single tile stairway?
Dear All My F**kin' Dwarves:Thanks, I'm gonna put it on a note at the entrance of the fort. Just because it's Legendcrypts doesn't mean you can get away with being decapitated by a prisoner.
Please read this article on Wikipedia. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohibition_of_death)
~Management.
So what ,they digged in the caverns? Bad idea , the wild life may kill them , there may be FBS and there may be clowns..
P.S. You may be unfamiliar with me and wondering why I am writing to you instead of the old mayor. Well, it seems having a rib jammed though his heart by you triggered a fatal allergic reaction.
The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! █
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x2█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! █
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x2█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x3█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her █
█ (bismuth bronze crossbow), but the attack is deflected by The Goblin █
█ Axeman's ({copper helm})! x3█
█ The militia captain bashes The Goblin Axeman in the head with her
but our females don't really want to lay any eggs without nest boxes around.
but our females don't really want to lay any eggs without nest boxes around.
Did... did you mod Dwarves to lay eggs? That is awesome.
Dear Urist McHotstuff,
Booze does not function very well as a fire suppressant. You might want to try th
*BOOM*
...
Dear everyone else,
Please refrain from trying to drink booze that is on fir
Your settlement has crumbled to its end.
(not that it would have mattered, the fire got to my food stockpiles too)
Dear Benev'lent Overseer
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta be down in ther caverns killin them troggodypes what keeps comin up the stairs and usin up yer valuboble cages what could be used fer catchin filthy stinkin gobbos. An' we'd be happy to do it fer yer. On'y yer gotta put us on duty. Yer forgot ta set us up a trainin schedule fer like ta be a year, so 'o course we're havin a bit 'o drink and hangin about the meeting area (which is loverly we all agree) waitin fer ya ta tell us what we're s'posed ta be doin. An' now yer got some twenty cages worth 'o trogs what're a prob'm on accounts 'o they like ta run off when yer try ta pit 'em into the barracks.
An' looksee, when yer remembered'a put us on duty, we went right on down'ta our assigned posts where we been havin a larf plinkin away at them pathetic trogs what takes on'y an couple bolts ta ther face an' they starts all twitchin and runnin about. We can't hardly shoot straight on account 'o larfin so much.
A Friendly Reminder From Yer Helpful Mil'tary On Accounts 'o Wantin Ta Be Learnin Ta BeVisousVishesVishcsoseBadarse Fightin Machines
Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Real dwarves have accents even when they don't have to.Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Transcribin' accents be what sets dwarfs apart from th' gobbo's me laddy! Har har! Thet an' th' beards o'course.Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
But accent 're t' be r'spected and liked! (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FunetikAksent)Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Most importantly, though, it assumes that there is single "correct" way to speak English, which is certainly not true.
[...]
Also, since standard English is not spelled phonetically, a Funetik Aksent can be used to give the impression of an uneducated speaker even when the pronunciation is perfectly standard (as with the name of this trope).
[...]
Conversely, some readers will read such implications into texts written in a form of Funetik Aksent regardless of whether the author actually intended them or not. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DeathOfTheAuthor)
[...]
The Funetik Aksent is often used to imply that the accented characters are less educated, less intelligent, or less literate than the reader or the protagonist. A classic example of this is Gone With The Wind, where the black slaves' and poor whites' accents are given phonetically but the white owners' accent (which is every bit as thick) isn't. The implication is that the slaveowners' language is proper English while the slaves and poor whites just aren't smart enough to speak properly.
I would guess this is based on a cultural trend to view eye dialects as funny, perhaps because we imagine the speaker is making a mistake that the reader, with their "correct" accent, would never make.I like to use lolspeak, internet slang, and capslock when the situation calls for some verbal slapstick. 'Course, if I did that for more than a couple of sentences, quite a lot of the people here would think of Homestuck instead.
While it is true that Dwarf Fortress's dwarves aren't real, do we really want to keep training ourselves to consider accents, and by extension the speakers of those accents, inferior? I would guess this is based on a cultural trend to view eye dialects as funny, perhaps because we imagine the speaker is making a mistake that the reader, with their "correct" accent, would never make. Is it a mistake to having an accent of otherwise correct Dwarven (English) different from one's own?
I like phonetic accents because I like accents in general, and there's something about having it written out that helps me hear it in my head.What about when it's your accent?
I like phonetic accents because I like accents in general, and there's something about having it written out that helps me hear it in my head.What about when it's your accent?
Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
While it is true that Dwarf Fortress's dwarves aren't real, do we really want to keep training ourselves to consider accents, and by extension the speakers of those accents, inferior?
(hard to saechsel in english ;D)Cornish (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzmkQKaSEso)? Voices start at about a minute in.
Generally dwarves are seen as Scottish vikings. Ours just resemble the viking part a bit more than usual.
Never mind. [/accent discussion]Transcribe my wha' now?Dear Benev'lent OverseerUmmm... You do know that you don't need to transcribe your accent (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0305.html)?
Aye, we marksdwarves know ye want us ta ...*snip for space*
Dear Urist McChild,If you are running .22 you would have gotten the extra bells and whistles spikes and hanging rings. Of course, that might require starting from scratch, which can be annoying, so I understand if thats why you didn't. :)
FUCK YOU.
I understand you had to wait while I set up the butchers to get you the bone you needed for your crappy craft item, but did you really have to go and grab a piece of magnetite and a platinum nugget right after? We both know you are going to just atomsmash them while trying to figure out how to put them on a completely boring donkey bone ring.
Hope you dont mind starving to death.
Sincerely the management.
Edit: Interesting. It seems if you forbid the non-bone items after the begun construction message they dont get used and the dwarf doesnt go mad. you still get a lame descriptionless artifact tho :( But at least you get to keep the useful materials.
Dear Urist McLoyal.
You've just killed your own wife.
-Puppeteer
I would actually be more interested in seeing a Brit or Australian trying to transcribe an American accent. I feel like I'm transcribing my (lack of an) accent right now, even though an Englishman or someSpoiler: reply to Sutremaine re: accents (click to show/hide)
Why? A golden chest is awesome.
Designate the garbage dump at the top of the drop, not the bottom.he says it all correctly.
note to urist...imiknorris
nope, you is wrong, i have a whole layer of stone set to dump, and my dwarves arent taking it and throwing it off the edge
yuppers, i made my garbage dump along the edge of the dodge me trap path, and along the outer edge, and my guys stood around doing nothing, when i set a garbage dump to the bottom, they ran and dumped it all down there, instead of dropping anything down the hole
In order to properly set up a dump zone, you have to cover the space to throw, and the space to throw from.
dear all of my f*cking dwarves, you are all in high spirits, GET MAKING THOSE GOD DAMN COFFINS!
also, FINISH THE WALL FOR MY ANIMAL PEN!
Dear Urist McInCrossbowSquad,
I find it amusing that you hitting a goblin with your crossbow once earned you the title of Hammerdwarf.
Must say a lot about your crossbow skill, eh?
~Overseer
How many dorfbucks is it worth?
Of to the mines it is then!How many dorfbucks is it worth?
Precisely 5000.
Dear Urist McInCrossbowSquad,Dear Urist McInCrossbowSquad,
I find it amusing that you hitting a goblin with your crossbow once earned you the title of Hammerdwarf.
Must say a lot about your crossbow skill, eh?
~Overseer
Dear Overseer,
but, but my crossbow is red now and i like fancy red things *gets good mood*
.
..
...
... a sock!!! out there just behind those goblinish looking thingies with bows!!! ... gotta go, sire!
~Urist McInCrossbowSquad
Dear Urist McAxedorf,
I know you have that masterwork adamantine 2handed sword from demonic fortress,
but that doesn't mean a bunch of goblin lashers won't kill you.
Sincerely, angry overseer.
Dear Urist McMiningUnion
I know the trogloydytes that came up from the caverns we deliberately breached right after embark were annoying. Hell, we have a dozen filling up cages until I can teach you how to tame them. That's a damn waste of cages. Quite rage inducing, really. I had to draft you two and the other five dwarves to kill the first lot quickly. Which you did. What I want to know is: WHY, WHY did you drop your copper picks and forbid them?! Not only would they have helped kill those trogs faster, but we wouldn't have been stuck above ground for a whole year! Furthermore, we wouldn't have lost two dwarves, including a weapon smith, if you hadn't done that! On the other hand, they were both possesions, and the second one gave my tame GCS in their scenic pasture a chance to peacefully resolve the berserk dwarf incident with the help of ten burly, manly dwarves who just happened to be stationed next to said craftsman. So I forgive you, for you gave me good entertainment.
Dear Urist. McWasInACrossbowSquadButIsNowInTheI'mOnFireSquaddamn you really hate him, don't you? :-[
Follow your orders, a.k.a. just stand right there, outside.
~Overseer.
So...what's your note to your dwarves?Would you bums get off your asses and start performing some of the tasks I've ordered?
What I want to know is: WHY, WHY did you drop your copper picks and forbid them?!There is a bug where weapons that are embedded in an enemy when it dies gets forbidden. They don't get dropped because of it, but if the dwarf drops them for some other reason, they won't get picked up again.
Dear Urist McGuardCaptain,
Okay, so you've been handing out beatings on the orders of a long-dead mayor. Fine, I can live with that. But did you have to punch the head off Urist McLegendaryMechanic like that? The poor dorf was the last of the founding seven, and you killed him. I advise you to be more careful in future, as if Urist McLegendaryMetalsmith comes to harm in jail, you're next...
The Management
no magma is involved though...
Dear Urist McDeadSiegeEngineer,
youarewere engineer. So why you removed the stairs in this way?
Sincerely
Your Overseer who planned to use many high quality siege weapons.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also, why is that one just...wandering around? Now he wants to sleep? Great, when you wake up grab that training sword on the ground and get to work. Yes, it's a little burnt; no, I don't care. Stupid dwarf!'Nuff said.
Oops, wrong thread.
EDIT: First dwarf, good job at getting to practice.
Other two: You have no job. What is wrong with you two?
ahahahahano magma is involved though...
Therefore you have done it wrong.
It wasn't even semi-successful. :( Five months after embark, and most of the map is covered in magma and fire.
hey, just like mine is now!It wasn't even semi-successful. :( Five months after embark, and most of the map is covered in magma and fire.
Sounds successful to me.
Dear overseer,Dear Hunters,
Why?
Sincerely,
hunters.
Dear overseer,
We're planning on conscripting in the militia.
Sincerely,
Hunters.
To: Animal Trainers' Guild of Mosus RomlamTo: control
Re: The latest wave of migrants
Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.
You sent three.
You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?
To: Animal Trainers' Guild of Mosus RomlamTo: control
Re: The latest wave of migrants
Yes, we need an animal trainer. One.
You sent three.
You realize that means two of them won't be training any animals, right?
Re: re: latest wave of migrants:
what if one or two were somehow left outside during an ambush? you'll be glad you had three!
from: the guild
Dear Urist McMoodyMason,
Stop whoring up all the limestone, we're trying to build a second wall layer here. Go make your artifact with something else, ass.
Yours truly,
The Overseer that is not afraid to lock you in the workshop if you don't stop using all the limestone.
dear urist Mchammerdwarf
as I was glancing over your squad I decided to see how your sparring session was going.
you bit a dwarf in the right eye.
what.the.fuck.
Dear tame GCS down in the cavern entrance,
When I gave you your illustrious post, I had one thing-and one thing ONLY-in mind-for you to shoot web. The fortifications are there for your benefit, NOT for you to sit their twidlling your chelicerae while a forgotten beast in the form of an earthworm SHOOTS FIRE through the fortifications! You are one of two females I have. Although extremely valuable, I have one more female to take your place. Also, please keep in mind that although we tamed you, this fort is very young. We have nothing in the way of defenses besides our just-formed squad of six dwarves, as previously all dwarves were needed to start up our dwarven metal industry. So, for the love of Armok, do your job. You're worse than the dwarves are about it.
sincerely,
your spider-loving overseer.
P.S. Please do remember that the beast's first kill will be you, and I can do nothing to save you.
Dear Dwarves:
If I want you to mine, stop hauling wood to the frikkin WOOD stockpile and GO MINE, you lumpheads!
With love,
Tshiknn
Dear Urist McFisherDwarf and Urist McGrower and Urist McCrafter:
I understand that you were attacked by alligators and died horrible deaths. However, Alligators are slow creatures and leave you alone unless provoked. Why did you feel the ned to poke the alligator? Thanks to you, the 4 surviving dwarves are likely to starve to death.
Sincerely,
Sting_Auer
Dear Urist McFisherDwarf and Urist McGrower and Urist McCrafter:
I understand that you were attacked by alligators and died horrible deaths. However, Alligators are slow creatures and leave you alone unless provoked. Why did you feel the ned to poke the alligator? Thanks to you, the 4 surviving dwarves are likely to starve to death.
Sincerely,
Sting_Auer
umm alligators tend to be quite agressive once you enter their personal space.. wich seems to be quite large^^
Dear Urist McFisherDwarf and Urist McGrower and Urist McCrafter:
I understand that you were attacked by alligators and died horrible deaths. However, Alligators are slow creatures and leave you alone unless provoked. Why did you feel the ned to poke the alligator? Thanks to you, the 4 surviving dwarves are likely to starve to death.
Sincerely,
Sting_Auer
umm alligators tend to be quite agressive once you enter their personal space.. wich seems to be quite large^^
Think about it. Dwarves eat mostly meat and cheese, and live entirely off of alcohol. They also can't be very fast, with those short legs. To an alligator, they must look like dinner-for-four on wheels.
Dear Malfol McCook,dude comic sans .. phew
Wine and alcohol are very good ingredients for meals in small doses. This is because we live in a tundra and we don't even have fucking trees or found a cavern. The brook freezes over during the wintertime you dumbass. What the hell, you used ALL THE ALCOHOL IN YOUR MEALS!?! I know meals can conserve food which is why I made you prepare the food in the first place, since our well was a huge epic fail on my part and we have to wait for the brook to thaw out in the summertime.
Thanks to you, half the fortress is dead and the other half dehydrated and at least a few of the ghosts are going to be whining and wrecking shit. Armok, I never thought I'd be happy to see Elves of all people!
-What the fuck,
Blue
Dear Urist McHauler,
dude no
the FLODGTE goes in FRONT of you
armko fuck
no dude
PUT
THE FLOODGATe
in font
NOT INSIDE HTE WELL
-how HIGH do you even have to be
-Blue
dude noyou got to
the FLODGTE goes in FRONT of you
armko fuck
no dude
PUT
THE FLOODGATe
in font
NOT INSIDE HTE WELL
-how HIGH do you even have to be
(http://www.castlebury.net/WebFowl/Bluecock%282%29.jpg)
To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Fifteen times ten is one-hundred and fifty. One-hundred and fifty candy blocks raise the odds for Fun to about... A lot more than it would be otherwise.
how exactly?To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Fifteen times ten is one-hundred and fifty. One-hundred and fifty candy blocks raise the odds for Fun to about... A lot more than it would be otherwise.
There are ways, tough very exploiting ways, that allow you to mine only one tile of candy and still get as much blue stuff as you want.
dear urist mcweaponsmithI'm fairly sure rosegold is better than everything else you listed except maybe steel. The fact that it's a mace and not a hammer sucks, but it's a good weapon.
...rosegold? really man? you were SURROUNDED by steel, silver, iron, pig iron and copper, and what you chose, was rose gold.
now, im not saying that im not happy with the rose gold mace you made...even though we dont currently have a macedwarf in the fort, but really man? you couldnt have picked a better metal?
now before you start making excuses that a demon or ghost possessed you, i call bullshit, i think your just trying to screw with the first macedwarf we get by making me equip him with a pretty purple mace
signed
mildly annoyed oversear.
how exactly?To the little tunnel rodents who have not yet been kidnapped:Kids. It's why we have math.
When you see the pervert with the bag over his shoulder, run away from him, towards the fortress. Not the other way around.
If you show up in a couple years in an ambush, I'll cut you down just like the others, you useless little nitwits.
Yrs Annoyedly,
Omniscient Overseer
One Candy Serrated disk hits three times. One fully loaded trap has 10 weapons. Ten times three is thirty. My hall is 15 tiles long. Fifteen times thirty is Four-hundred and fifty. So that is four-hundred and fifty hits.
This is why we made !!Math!!. It's a !!Fun!!damental part of !!Science!!
Fifteen times ten is one-hundred and fifty. One-hundred and fifty candy blocks raise the odds for Fun to about... A lot more than it would be otherwise.
There are ways, tough very exploiting ways, that allow you to mine only one tile of candy and still get as much blue stuff as you want.
I just need this for one joke fort that's been living for over 30 years...
The Swordsman bites The Goblin Swordsman in the throat, bruising it through the ({small troll fur cloak})!Unorthodox but effective. Thank you for the response.
The Swordsman latches on firmly!
The Swordsman shakes The Goblin Swordsman around by the throat, tearing apart the throat!
A major artery in the throat has been opened by the attack!
Dear Urist McStrandExtractor,Dear Frango Nicolbidok,
FASTER.
Sincerely, Frango Nicolbidok
The militia commander charges at The Child from behind!Did you have to be so...inefficient about it?
The Child looks surprised by the ferocity of The militia commander's onslaught!
The militia commander slashes The Child in the left wing from behind with her {steel greatsword} and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The militia commander collides with The Child!
The Child is knocked over and tumbles backward!
The Child loses hold of the (water buffalo leather sandal).
The Child loses hold of the (rope reed fiber sock).
The militia commander hacks The Child in the left lower leg from behind with her {steel greatsword} and the severed part sails off in an arc!
The Child loses hold of the (goat leather left mitten).
The Child loses hold of the (alpaca wool left glove).
The militia commander stabs The Child in the left hand from behind with her {steel greatsword} and the severed part sails off in an arc!
...if you used some of the braincells Armok gave you and not embark in the middle of an iced over 50tile wide major river...Any chance you have the save?
Why aren't you butchering that perfectly good cavy sow corpse that Urist McHunter brought back just now?Any cavy is too small to yield anything but a skull, and anything that small won't get touched by the butcher. They'll slaughter one just fine and take the skull, but not if it's already a corpse.
Dear Urist McQuestionableWithAnimals,
Thanks for being one of three in the first immigration wave to Shotunion! Congratulations to being promoted to militia captain as soon as you were within earshot for the nearest dwarf to yell that information at you.
Still, when we accept immigrants, we expect some labor. You came in the door, ignored your armor, claimed a bedroom and a barrel of dwarven wine, and immediately went on break with hardly a hello, and refuse any labor.
So, when I designate a pit for Cave Cat #1 to be released into the caverns, I expected McDoctor or McCarpenter to comb the cat, open the cavern gate, wish it luck, and set it on its feet.
What I did not expect was for you to choose this job as your first, spring from your seat the split-urist I relayed the order, snatch the nearest kitten by the nape, charge full speed down the stairs to the caverns, and use the momentum to bodily heave the poor feline from the top of the 5-level wall, remain to watch it land, then go sprinting back to your drink.
We're a small, close group here in Shotunion, Urist, and we worry about you. We really do.
Keeping you under observation,
the overseer.
Dear Urist McRecruit.
If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.
Sincerely,
The one building another burial chamber.
Dear Urist McRecruit.
If picking up your weapon involves wandering outside into a triple siege, consider finding a new weapon.
Sincerely,
The one building another burial chamber.
Dear McNarhiril
d-b-f
Sincerely,
the ghostly recruit.
Dear Urist McCook,
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
A. I expected you to stop before you cooked ALL of it. Aside from seeds, booze is the most common food source we have. WHY do you cook DOZENS of drinks and a couple of spare seeds into roasts?Dear Urist McCook,
Do not cook all remaining booze in the fortress into one roast along with a single seed. How did you do that?
More importantly, why? We have no reliable water source, so we need that booze!
Ugh.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear ovrsr,
you cannot stop my cooking art! next time, forbid me from using the booze. But that would make me sad. You don't wanna see the cook sad right?
And really ... a thong? I just ... I mean ... I ... I can't ... really??? What in the name of Armok am I suppose to do with an artifact thong?!?What do you think ;D
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?
'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
Dear Overlord.
As far as I know (as I have very little knowledge from the world of trees) it is a tree.
-Gamo
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?
'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
Dear Overlord.
As far as I know (as I have very little knowledge from the world of trees) it is a tree.
-Gamo
Gamo,
Ah, alright. Carry on then.
Still amused,
Overlord.
"Evil tree"? Talk about redundant.'On the sock is an image of Glumprong' - who, or what, the hell is Glumprong!?
Dear Overlord.
As far as I know (as I have very little knowledge from the world of trees) it is a tree.
-Gamo
Gamo,
Ah, alright. Carry on then.
Still amused,
Overlord.
Not just any tree, an EVIL tree.
--Urist Mclearned
To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
*Every other dwarf in my fortress goes and puts their clothes in their room once I give them storage space, but this guy refuses to pick up his clothes. They aren't forbidden. I even removed him from the military temporarily, but he just drops his uniform and runs around naked, leaving his clothes there.*
Salutations, fellow overseer PresidentEvil!To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Dear Tree-Hating Dragonfolk,
We are on a glacier. So probably not. Besides, as I may not have made clear initially, I merely assigned him to hollow out a hill that had tasty, delicious flux in it. So there's that too.
Thanks anyway,
Oversser PresidentEvil
Dear Overseer Shook, President Evil, and Grieger Link:Salutations, fellow overseer PresidentEvil!To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Dear Tree-Hating Dragonfolk,
We are on a glacier. So probably not. Besides, as I may not have made clear initially, I merely assigned him to hollow out a hill that had tasty, delicious flux in it. So there's that too.
Thanks anyway,
Oversser PresidentEvil
Natural walls always have floors above them, and mining does not remove these. Thus, if you mine out ALL walls in the hill, the ceiling will collapse and kill just as well as any wall. Urist McMinerton found out the hard way.
Kind regards,
Shook McOverseer
To: Miners' Guild of Frozenamuses"FrozenAmuses".
CC: Miners' Guild of every other fort everywhere
Re: Thirst and the proper handling thereof
If you find yourself beginning to grow thirsty, please take some time out to get a drink. If you find that you've mined yourself into an inescapable hole, please check to see if you can make a passageway from your current location to the booze stockpiles. I never deliberately order my miners to dig themselves into an oubliette, so this should not be a difficult task.
Don't just keep mining at random until you die. That's just dumb.
This goes double if you're legendary.
Salutations, fellow overseer PresidentEvil!To: Overseer President Evil.
What about trees? Those are evil, and they cave in if the area under them is dug out.
From: The administration of your friendly Tree-hating Dragonfolk of Tallfires.
Dear Tree-Hating Dragonfolk,
We are on a glacier. So probably not. Besides, as I may not have made clear initially, I merely assigned him to hollow out a hill that had tasty, delicious flux in it. So there's that too.
Thanks anyway,
Oversser PresidentEvil
Natural walls always have floors above them, and mining does not remove these. Thus, if you mine out ALL walls in the hill, the ceiling will collapse and kill just as well as any wall. Urist McMinerton found out the hard way.
Kind regards,
Shook McOverseer
Dear selfproclaimed Genius Leader,What a revelation! I don't know where that voice came from but maybe I AM a genius!?!
b-C-w in forbidden place, then q-s over blocker, then b-C-w for real wall
Intrigued,
voices in your head.
I posted it in this thread 3 times (or more :))Dear selfproclaimed Genius Leader,What a revelation! I don't know where that voice came from but maybe I AM a genius!?!
b-C-w in forbidden place, then q-s over blocker, then b-C-w for real wall
Intrigued,
voices in your head.
The world will burn with my new knowledge 8).
Dear Possessed clothier #3.You're aware of the different types of cloth- plant, animal, and... er... something else I forget and am too lazy to look up on the wiki? Anyways, dorfs want one type. If they want plant fiber, they will not accept, say, wool. Did you make sure to giver him multiple types?
I know you're probably the spirit of that silly leatherworker who couldn't complete his artifact despite having every material he was screaming for availiable in nearby stockpiles. Please stop being a jerk and pick up those materials I mined AND acquired just for you. No, I don't care about that clothier, so you either complete the artifact or gb2 hell.
Enjoy dying a melancholic death again.
Yours truly,
The dwarfmind.
dear elven tradersDear Dwarven Wood Industry:
why dont you make like a tree, and get out of here.
-Dwarven wood industry
To reliably get elven invasions, you need to edit the entity raws to give the elves a diplomat. Once you have a Baron, the diplomat will come around and demand you stop cutting trees. Agree to his demands, then cut down every tree on the map. When he comes back next year to complain, shoot him in the face. Keep this up for a few years and they will send sieges.Dwarf Fortress:
Dear Urist McMilitaryguy.Dear AoD,
STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.
Yours sincerly, AoD.
Dear Urist McMilitaryguy,Dear Urist McMilitaryguy.Dear AoD,
STOP. FUCKING. STEPPING. INTO. FIRE.
Yours sincerly, AoD.
What is fire? Is it that blue stuff underground? No, wait, it's that blue stuff aboveground. Sure, I'll stop, I hate carp.
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitaryguy.
PS: I bet this red stuff would make a great export to the elves. I'll just store some in a stockpile...
To: The local humans,I'm guessing the humans didn't like Tallfires or their Law-Giver, and decided to try and solve both problems at once. :D
Who's bright idea was it to have your law-giver show up, unescorted as a diplomat in the middle of a goblin attack? There's like 30 goblins between my army and your law giver. I'm afraid he's SOL.
P.S. If you decide to attack me for this, you soft-skins won't have any better luck than the greenskins and pointy ears. Just a heads up.
The Administration (of Tallfires)
DearInspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
DearWas that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?Inspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
DearWas that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?Inspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
Oh ok.DearWas that Javert part a reference or am I just thinking into it too much?Inspector JavertCaptain of the Guard,
I can only commend your zeal when it comes to punishing heinous criminals, and admittedly maybe it was my fault for appointing you in the first place, but did you have to break that legendary metalsmith's neck because he couldn't make platinum items on account of not having any platinum? Our poor Chief Medical Dwarf, who had never before lost a patient, now has the "has witnessed death" thought for the first time because the guy suffocated in his hospital minutes later.
Plus, I gave you that adamantine hammer for a reason. Why did you then start by biting the metalsmith in the leg?
Yrs, Zephyr Hound
It's surely a reference to the character from Les Miserables.
Dear Urist McChild:
When mommy is operating the ballista, don't stand in front of it.
Dear UristMcIdler:
When the child is hit by the ballista bolt, don't stand in front of the ballista and clean up the blood.
dear andymann
check his skills, if he has glassmaking, you need to make him a non magma glass furnace
was a weaponsmith? He might have been waiting for a magma furnace after all. I'm not sure if they switch preferences after magma is found or only after an operational magma forge is built.dear andymann
check his skills, if he has glassmaking, you need to make him a non magma glass furnace
i haven't built any magma furnaces yet (working on magma pump stack), and he was a weaponsmith.
You're scaring the kids.What kind of fucked up children would be scared at that? I'd expect most children would laugh at it while over-protective parents might be scared their precious crystal glass-children might shatter. :o
-Facepalming overseer.
Dear Urist McNewnoblecountDear admin,
You were cool when you were the simple mayor. Never asked for anything that we, the administration, couldn't provide easily. We recommended you for nobility. We thought you would be a great leader. Now you suddenly like and want creepy crawler leather? WTF. We haven't even seen a creepy crawler.
Sincerely
The admin.
P.S. Please accept the new room we have set up for you under the magma reserve. We hope you enjoy the extra warmth.
Dear Urist McMarksdwarves,Dear Overseer,
It may come as a surprise to you, but attempt to shoot through the solid trees is not the most efficient way of slaughtering goblin sieges. Shooting goblins is. Thanks to your epic ineptitude, my legendary hunter and four others are dead. Yet, he still managed to kill off more goblins before he fell than all of you combined. Turn in the crossbows, your hammers will be issued shortly. The heavy end hits the goblin, the thin end goes in your hand. Hopefully that's simple enough for you.
Sincerely,
Your Far-too-often Surprisingly Merciful Overseer
Dear Urist McMarksdwarves,
It may come as a surprise to you, but attempt to shoot through the solid trees is not the most efficient way of slaughtering goblin sieges. Shooting goblins is. Thanks to your epic ineptitude, my legendary hunter and four others are dead. Yet, he still managed to kill off more goblins before he fell than all of you combined. Turn in the crossbows, your hammers will be issued shortly. The heavy end hits the goblin, the thin end goes in your hand. Hopefully that's simple enough for you.
Sincerely,
Your Far-too-often Surprisingly Merciful Overseer
Dear Overseer Ahrimahn:Dear Overseer Ahrimahn:
It's actually quite nice. Toasty and cozy, like. You know, though, what would really make it is a lovely slade chair in this corner and a slade statu.... you know, it's actually very warm in here. I'm sweating out all my booze! It almost feels like my boots are on fire. Wait a minut.................
Dear milita squad.
At the beginning of the fight, there was five soldiers, twelve giant badgers. Now, there is two soldiers, seven giant badgers, and one of you is going to die. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TIME I TRAINED YOU? HOW MUCH IT COSTED TO EQUIP YOU IN STEEL? AND NOW A BAND OF ANIMALS IS GOING TO WIN AGAINST MY ONLY SQUAD?
Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
You obviously have not used enough magma. Your legendary weaponsmith probably killed himself because you don't have a large enough beard.
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Dear Overseer Draignean,Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
You obviously have not used enough magma. Your legendary weaponsmith probably killed himself because you don't have a large enough beard.
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Dear Overseer Necro
You kidding? If he hadn't been stopped by the grates he would have hit the obsidian generator resevoir, if he wanted magma he could been ass deep in it with a word. It was his choice to be an elf and take a surface walk.
-Overseer
Dear Overseer Draignean,Urist McdeadslackerDear Overseer Draignean,
Yes you can take breaks, no I don't mind, But as my legendary weaponsmith I would appreciate if you didn't do it on a frozen river a half second before it thaws. Not only this but that river lead down into a twenty Z-level drop of the edge of a cliff face, and into a grate that I made to harness the power of the waterfall for your friends. Now five children got to watch your body break into a dozen pieces and spray through the mist generators. You Fail.
-Your frustratated and slightly bloody overseer.
You obviously have not used enough magma. Your legendary weaponsmith probably killed himself because you don't have a large enough beard.
With magma,
Overseer Necro
Dear Overseer Necro
You kidding? If he hadn't been stopped by the grates he would have hit the obsidian generator resevoir, if he wanted magma he could been ass deep in it with a word. It was his choice to be an elf and take a surface walk.
-Overseer
He was on the surface, and the river unfroze. Magma does not freeze. Dwarves will not path through magma. Do you understand the lack of magma? The obvious solution is to flood the world with magma. The weaponsmith was making a political statement.
-Overseer Necro
Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Dear Urist McManager
Here is what you should do if you have to "cancel dig: Interrupted by Giant Badger": Stick your pick in its brain.
Here is what you did: Took a nap in the grass.
At least come inside.
Dear everyone;
Please continue being perfect little workers and stay alive for another year. Please DO NOT get slaughtered by the goblins the very first time they ambush us.
-Sincerely, your thus far pleased overseer.
P.S. congratulations on your new child, Ducim. Please don't get eaten while carrying her around.
Dear Urist McHunter's STOP AVENGING BOATMURDERED SO DILIGENTLY. Armok's Armpit! I had to make half the fort Bonecrafters and Cooks for crying out loud! STOP BRINGING IN HUGE HERDS OF ELEPHANTS.Dear Overseer,
Dear Urist McInjured,
Take a break. Seriously, you're completely entitled.
I know you hear me yelling at the other soldiers for stubbing their toe and sleeping for seasons in the hospital. That is not acceptable.
What is acceptable is resting after an elk severs an arm, breaks both legs, tears off an ear, puts your eye out, and breaks your lower back. However much I appreciate your dedication, I do not need four pages of 'Urist McInjured cancels Pick Up Equipment: too injured. x8' when other dwarves take off for weeks after squirrel bites.
For Armok's sake, take a day off.
Dear militiaSomething about torn anuses because of spears in the danger room doesn't sound right...
Wear the pants I assign you to wear while I am happy you remember the part of the uniform abOve the waist you seem incredibly averse to the pants please this would not be a problem because it is still spring and the elves are not at war with us but I don't like the reports ive been hearing from the medical staff about severed penii and torn anuses when suiting up for the danger room remember your armor please!
The spinning wooden training spear hits Urist in the anus! The severed part sails off in an arc!Urist gives in to pain.
lol someone cancelled his WoW account.The spinning wooden training spear hits Urist in the anus! The severed part sails off in an arc!Urist gives in to pain.
Urist has gone insane!lol someone cancelled his WoW account.The spinning wooden training spear hits Urist in the anus! The severed part sails off in an arc!Urist gives in to pain.
snip Itatmokez "Chillcages"; a black bear leather dressDude, It's a black dress with a blue version of what is normally a red fruit on it. That's Sorceress material, mate. Awesome.
Dear caravan,
(http://img851.imageshack.us/img851/2015/trustworthy.jpg)
You're trying too hard.
I've got my eye on you.
Dear Urist McAssholeDear Devling,
STFU and stop falling off cliffs and being useless.
Dear Urist McLeeroyJenkins,
Did you hear that? That was the order to retreat to the keep bacause fifty goblins have just broken down our gates. So why did you and your two axedwarf chums, Urist McHaveAGoHero and Urist McBloodthirsty, try to charge them? You're a goddamn marksdwarf, and apart from that remarkably neat headshot you managed, you achieved nothing whatsoever. Your mates are dead, and you're lucky that you managed to lock yourself in one of the outer towers before they got to you.
Most irritatingly, the doctors inform me that your injuries are such that you can never hold a crossbow again. I don't know what to do with you now...
The Management of Akrulatol
Endiqua, colonize hell.
Dear black bears pastured in a room,Why not make them war-bears?
Breed more. We need meat for our meat industry, and making *black bear roast*s.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Only grizzlies can be trained. I have black bears.Dear black bears pastured in a room,Why not make them war-bears?
Breed more. We need meat for our meat industry, and making *black bear roast*s.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Kivish Koganzat, General Labor has created Allas Duthal, a iron statue of elves!
Dearest Kivish,
You are a traitor to your race. Please report to the nearest termination booth immediately.
The Seas of Worth
"The item is a masterfully designed image of elves in iron by Kivish Koganzat. The elves are laughing. The artwork relates to the defeat of The Seal of Gills of The Constructs of Anguish and pillaging of Helmeddead by The Sister of Ashes in the early autumn of 120 during The Fifteenth Pillaging of Helmeddead.
It is encircled with bands of reindeer bone."
Though I must say, the reindeer bone is a nice touch. But again, termination booth. Now.
Sincerely,
Your Friend and Overseer,
Shardok, Servant of Xom.
[/quote\
was that a dwarven defeat?
I haven't checked, because I didn't want to leave my game and check, but I'll definitely check right now.DUMP IT IN THE MAGMA SEA!
Just looked at my coins and noticed they depict The Constructs of Anguish, a Dwarven civilization... Something tells me he made a statue depicting his Own civilization being pillaged.
Yep, those are OUR ancestral mountain homes being pillaged too. Though thankfully he didn't depict the destruction of them 400 years later. Or the horribly failed attempt to reclaim them 200 years after that.
In the early spring of 5706, The Hammer of Genius of The Constructs of Anguish founded Minedrock. (My current fortress) Now I feel that I might be doing some great evil against all of Dwarven civilization by sticking that elven statue in my Baron's house. Hehe.
Dear Urist McSheriff,
I know we didn't have any hammers when I recruited you, because we're just now managing to ramp up production and you are this fortress' first sheriff. But when I buy a few, you can't dive headlong into the mountainhome's cart to dig the near-masterwork steel one out of the pile of bolts and swords, when out military needs it. That cheap copper one was for you.
I just wish I could figure out how to assign you a specific one, so I won't have to drop you into the magma the first time you club a useful dwarf to death.
Sincerely,
the frustrated overseer.
You can specify the material for each item in the uniform list. There's a way to assign specific items too but I never do that so I don't rememeber. ::) Specify a copper hammer for your sheriff's uniform, or just leave it weaponless to be even more on the safe side?m -> e -> select the dwarf in question -> W -> specific weapon -> the weapon you want hir to use :D
To the Stone Haulers of Nobledye,LOL.
We have a designated dormitory for a reason. Please learn from Urist's example and do not sleep under the atom smasher.
Thank you.
[-]be killed in your lava death trap[/-]
[s]Strikethrough[/s]
tags.
Dear Urist Dakonsibrek,
If you're going to convince your squad to massacre all of your friends in the fortress, and break every bone in a woman's body with a sandle, at least don't pretend to be "Attending a Meeting." as your current labor.
Dear Assorted Badgers,
The carp in the river can not get to you. Please stop giving me combat alerts.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
dear urist mccook.
you have rock pots.
you have wooden barrels.
you have bins.
so why, why MUST YOU PUT THE FOOD IN AN OPEN TILE WHYYYYY.
sincerely, your soon with one dwarf less overlord.
Dear Urist McNoviceMiner,Dear Overseer Sid,
I would very much like to know how you managed to generate a stone for practically every tile of our new dining room except for the 8 tiles of hematite our furnace operator had been waiting for.
With anticipation,
Overseer Sid
Dear Urist McHammerdwarf:Yes he can. Look at how dorfs forge stuff, after all.
No, you CAN'T grab a barrel of delicious booze with your two arms broken.
Please go to your nearest hospital.
Sincerely, the Overseer.
Dear Urists,
The fish that has taken residence under our bridge isn't going to do anything to you. Just cross it, you'll see, you'll be fine.
Patiently, the Overseer of "The Blood-Halls of Mortality".
The doctor probably sucked at treating him. Wound him again.
You know what I'd like in this game? Regular checkups from the doctors on the hospital's previous residents. It's not like the doctors are doing much.The doctor probably sucked at treating him. Wound him again.
Only in Dwarf Fortress is the solution to bad surgery to wound them again.
Dear Urist McSitechooser,...Why are you unhappy, again?
I suppose I am not as miffed as I could have been. I did not, thankfully, spend much time trying to rescue you and your 6 companions from the fate you clearly wanted. However, in case it is not obvious to you, a lake which literally opens up into the mouth of Hell is not a suitable place for a new settlement to extend the power and glory of the Mountianhomes. Please enjoy gargling demon mayonaise.
your Bugged Out Overseer
Dear Ahrimahn
Yes.
-Urist McLeverPuller
Dear Urist McMilitia Commander,
Please kindly explain to me, why the Goblins I provide for your training (armored but not armed) are one-shotted with hammer blows to the head, axe strikes to the head, and sword strikes to the head... but in real combat you can't seem to hit the broad side of a barn floor?
I want a report before your next boozing, or the next danger room training will be performed in the nude with the door locked.
Sincerely,
The Overlord, All Hail the Overlord.
Dear the Overseer of Cheerfubusts,Dear Mountianhome,
Why dont you let the freezing biome of the glazier breach your aquifier?
Sincerely,
Urist McLegendary PressedCheeseMilker
our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.
She's just very unhappy now.our best marksdwarf is also miserable because her friends died.
Oh yeah that's going to be awesome.
She's just very unhappy now.Oh, what a legendary dining room can't fix...
Dear Urist mcspammy
STOP F*CKING SAYING YOU CAN'T PICK UP ITEMS TO PLACE THEM IN A STOCKPILE! THEY ARE EASILY ACCESIBLE!
from, the overseer
Dear Giant Toad,Dear giant toad,dear overseer
Please come and try out our nice, tasty dwarves. Especially the soap makers above ground. They are nice and clean!
Sincerely,
GWG, Overseer.
P.S. Ignore all light green carets along the way.
*ribbit*
regards,
giant toad
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf
Why do you keep bashing people in the HEAD WITH YOUR CROSSBOW WHEN YOU STILL HAVE BOLTS?! Now I have to throw you in the !!FUN!! room since you have too many injuries and we have too few threads for patients. Say hi to Armok for me you Carp Hugging Long-Ears.
Sincerely, Overlord
sorry about dragging this ancient one up, but it made me nearly wet myself with laughter, the image of some fish thing coming through a dwarven waterfall, probably covered in blood, going:
'take these *pig tail fibre* socks!'
is too much of an opportunity to miss.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
Okay, that's disgusting.
Why the hell did you make a prepared meal from 15 amounts of cocaine and a few reindeer livers?!
Dear Urist McHunter,
I'm glad to see you using bolts and killing animals but...,, do you think its really nescsary to hunt carp with a crossbow....your a hunter not a fishermen!!
Dear Urist McMIner
USE THE F***ING RAMPSITS NOT MY FAULT YOUR STARVING BECAUSE YOUR TO RETARDED TO MOVE UP ONE F***ING TRIANGLE....JUST GO UP THE F***ING RAMP...
YOU....YOU.......DOUBLE DIGGERS
Dear Urist,
Why did you feel the need to go on break for almost an entire season when you were the only thing that could keep the fortress from dying of thirst?
Thanks,
Your Overseer
Dear roughly 20 goblins that decided to ambush the fortress just as the elven caravan arrived,Deer Dorvz
I appreciate that you went after the elves before anybody else, that saves me a few beds in the hospital for a couple of my newer hunters who decided giant bats were a delicious and plausible target at the same time as your attack, however, by the time you were finished with the elves and their animals, you should have run for the base's cage traps that exist for exactly this reason instead of the one remaining hunter that was outside.
He's one of the founding dwarves, the leader of my best military squad, a legendary hammerdwarf, a legendary ambusher, and a legendary marksdwarf. When the alert that sends everybody to the dining hall is started, he is exempt for obvious reasons. He's also wielding a solid platinum artefact crossbow with a picture of a dwarf killing goblins in goblin bone and was carrying back the corpse of the giant eagle he had just killed to the butchers. He was wearing full adamantine armor, and currently has over 80 kills to his name. Attacking him was not in your best interests.
I'll admit that things may have looked a bit better for the ~6 of you that weren't lying on the ground bleeding with bolts sticking out of vital organs when he ran out of ammo, but he's a trained hammerdwarf purely because of his love of bludgeoning things with his crossbow. You should also know that the ammo stockpile is outside to facilitate hunting, and he has access. The few of you that were still alive after the beating were hit with several full stacks of bone bolts before you expired (apparently they're not great against armor, but that didn't stop him) and left a pulpy mess on the ground.
His exploits are being carved into his newly expanded bedchamber as we speak, and this has been added several times in the engravings.
Your bones will be used for crossbows and ammunition to equip the future generations of hunters that use opportunities like this one to train as marksdwarves.
Sincerely,
The voice in the head of every dwarf
Dear Urists McMilitary,
I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.
You are still beating on him.
Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.
For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.
-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.
Dear Urists McMilitary,
I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.
You are still beating on him.
Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.
For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.
-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.
I nearly fell off my chair laughing at this.
Oh, and quoted for the sigtext thread.
Dear traders,
No, I'm not taking your explanation of 'hood snake venom' at face value.
How long is the trip that you end up with an entire wagon of barrels full of it?
-The overseer, suddenly feeling in need of a bath.
Dear All Urists Of All Professions:
Learn from the mistakes of your comrades, and when confronted with a giant cave spider, run, don't sleep!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. Why did you name the place HALLCARNAGES?
Seriously, I had this happen to TWO dwarves in a row, with the same GCS!
To Momuz Anametur
You have Feed Patients/Prisoners labour enabled. You have no other labours enabled. So please explain why Goden Dorenniral just died of thirst in the jail cells.
On second thoughts, just report to the lowest level of the fort, where we are about to channel into the magma sea to create a disposal chute for all the Voracious Cave Crawlers, Jabberers and so on that are cluttering our cages. You will remain restricted to that burrow with no food, water or bed, with the job of pitching each beast into the magma, until one way or another it results in your demise.
Yours sincerely
Your friendly fortress overseer.
dear Mr legendary crossbowman/hunterThats strange, I thought dwarves auto forbid shot ammo.
Next time i tell you to kill a deer. When you run out of ammo dont jump in the lake after it.
the guy looking for your replacement >.<
dear Mr legendary crossbowman/hunterThats strange, I thought dwarves auto forbid shot ammo.
Next time i tell you to kill a deer. When you run out of ammo dont jump in the lake after it.
the guy looking for your replacement >.<
No. I think what happened was: Haul item to tomb job got canceled, dwarf got tired, I didn't have dorm/bedrooms set up yet so the dwarf fell asleep right there...Dear All Urists Of All Professions:
Learn from the mistakes of your comrades, and when confronted with a giant cave spider, run, don't sleep!
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. Why did you name the place HALLCARNAGES?
Seriously, I had this happen to TWO dwarves in a row, with the same GCS!
Has fainting been implemented on the sly?
i've recently had an outbreak of that. solved it with 2 tile drink only stockpile set to 2 barrels, and setting it to take from the main drink stockpile. dwarves are more eager to haul than take care of their fellows. i also have a 1 tile stockpile for prepared food set to no barrels. sometimes i have to micromanage which jailcell is taking from the main piles [....]Meh, just have all the cells running on the same stockpile. You can create a food stockpile and snip out individual tiles, and then create a drink stockpile over the top and repeat the process. Since the single drink stockpile will only take a single empty barrel, you won't be needing two drink tiles per cell.
1 tile pond zones seem to work in the jails too. If they can reach them they should drink from those, then it's just a matter of food.because there is no gold to meet the duchess' demand for it. that and my metalworking industry has military experience. and i have a few thousand spare units of booze.
Why let the criminals drink the good booze after all.
dear urist mccleaner:
please find the puddle of forgotten beast gunk that causes whoever steps in to to spontaneously and with little to no warning die, and clean it up. it can only be a single tile. i know there are litterally thousands of things that need hauling, but this is kind of important. i'd rather not having to draft you guys so to experiment on which puddle of goo is causing death.
your loving dictator.
the elves and goblins have no business in the mineshaft where the goo must be. not only is there an opening to the third cavern layer (and escape) but it leads to my magma industry. takes long enough getting stuff down there that i'd like to avoid having job cancellations. as i know no way to scoop the goo up and dump it onto any elf or goblin, all that can be done is clean up, so i do not lose any more precious, precious haulers. my fort is built to support a little over 200 dwarves, and i've had >150 for almost 5 years now. too many jobs, not enough dwarves to do them.dear urist mccleaner:
please find the puddle of forgotten beast gunk that causes whoever steps in to to spontaneously and with little to no warning die, and clean it up. it can only be a single tile. i know there are litterally thousands of things that need hauling, but this is kind of important. i'd rather not having to draft you guys so to experiment on which puddle of goo is causing death.
your loving dictator.
You DON'T want to experiment on them? How else will you know what to inflict on the elves and goblins?
Dear Urist Mceveryone:
Please eat the hundreds of lavish meals we have laying around. Don't grab the plump helmets just as they grow. And you have the gall to complain about the lack of booze.
Your Demon Overlord
Dear Urist Mcbrewers:
What do you mean, no distillable items? I just checked the stocks, and we have hundreds of plump helmets! Hell, I saw one of you grab a handful on your way past the still! Just because you like water does not mean everyone does. DO NOT LET THIS CONTINUE. You have been warned.
Your Annoyed Demon Overlord
ps:try Orders, Zone orders. drink only from preferred zones. or something similar.Dear Overseer, please check to see that the designated drinking zones contain fresh water and not salt water first. If the number to "Water Source" in the Zones sub-menu is 0, it's full of salt water and we can't actually drink that.
Dear brewerdeer overseer,
Please use the 27 empty barrels available to you and stop complaining about food storage devices.
Dear brewerdeer overseer,
Please use the 27 empty barrels available to you and stop complaining about food storage devices.
please make sure that the barrels are not reserved for stockpiles, we always make sure that every stockpile has an empty barrel!
urist mcbrewer
Dear Oda Sedmeemeg, human hammerman guard of the caravan of Iquimong,Dear Reudh,
Why on earth have you taken up residence in Boldropes? Your friends have long since left and you have not left the entrance of my fort in months, and yet you show no signs of weakening.
Sincerely, confused overseer of Murakgoden,
Reudh
Dear Nobles,
Stop being a bunch of crybabies because of the bedrooms I gave my legendary workers. You didn't do shit when you came over, so why do you think you should get anything nice.
From,
That invisible force that tells you what to do
To Urist McLegendarySpearDwarfIt appears that your fortress is staffed by dwarves left over from a World of Warcraft raid. In addition to standing in the fire, do they also refuse to attack the designated kill target? :D
You killed the damn FB, why the hell are you and your squad STANDING IN THE *CENSORED* *CENSORED*'ing *VERY CENSORED* FIRE? Three of your squad have titles and multiple FB kills each, for Armok's sake!
Dear Urist McScaredycat,I have to ask ... did they every close that last door? :D
I know you are worried. I too have heard the rumors that our 20 strong military was slaughtered by 8 goblin archers. In hindsight, armor might have helped, or weapons. But that is why we are all safely inside this strong dinning room blocked by six imposing stone doors.
Yes, I hear the goblins coming in through the front door which someone forgot to link to a lever. Yes, they do sound scary and angry. But again, that is why we are all safely inside this room with six doors.
The most important issue right now is someone NEEDS TO CLOSE THE LAST FUCKING DOOR! There is ONE RAT REMAINS blocking the final door from closing. Notice how it has been marked for dumping and a refuse pile is one square away from it.
Now instead of eating, drinking, or sleeping every single one of you 54 dwarves has nothing but hauling labors and the remains are clearly within the burrow. So MOVE THE DAMN RAT BEFORE WE ALL DIE!
No? None of you? Well then you all deserve what is coming.
Sincerely, slightly worried overseen,
Dalgren
To Urist McLegendarySpearDwarfIt appears that your fortress is staffed by dwarves left over from a World of Warcraft raid. In addition to standing in the fire, do they also refuse to attack the designated kill target? :D
You killed the damn FB, why the hell are you and your squad STANDING IN THE *CENSORED* *CENSORED*'ing *VERY CENSORED* FIRE? Three of your squad have titles and multiple FB kills each, for Armok's sake!
To Urist McLegendarySpearDwarfIt appears that your fortress is staffed by dwarves left over from a World of Warcraft raid. In addition to standing in the fire, do they also refuse to attack the designated kill target? :D
You killed the damn FB, why the hell are you and your squad STANDING IN THE *CENSORED* *CENSORED*'ing *VERY CENSORED* FIRE? Three of your squad have titles and multiple FB kills each, for Armok's sake!
Dear Urist McMason
When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.
But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.
That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.
Truly yours,
The Overseer
Dear Urist McMason
When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.
But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.
That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.
Truly yours,
The Overseer
To the Overseer; re: Masonry
Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible. Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.
Sincerely;
Urist McMason, Jnr.
Dear Urist McMason
When I ask you to put a wall to wall off slow incoming magma in a way that traps it in, please don't forget where you are currently standing. I understand that it is hard to carry all that 186 (insert weight unit here) of stone for that wall and I understand that you work hard to make it smooth and tidy but please, please look where you are standing when you make the wall. I fear for your safety as you are a highly praised mason in this fortress and you are the only one who actually knows how to make a statue of me with the face intact.
But mistakes are mistakes, this one left a mark though. I so dearly wish that you have enough time to deconstruct that beautiful wall you just crafted.
That or I will have an obsidian statue of you soon enough. Memorial purposes, you understand.
Truly yours,
The Overseer
To the Overseer; re: Masonry
Standard practice of the masonic brotherhood of left-side builders is to construct walls, floors and another other masonic construction from the left side whenever possible. Please adjust your plans to suit our practices and we'll try not to stand in the magma or out in the open when the goblins attack.
Sincerely;
Urist McMason, Jnr.
dear locally bonded masons, lodge 507,
this left side business is news to me! why did you fine fellows insist on walling yourselves into the caverns after i told you to build the walls (following first in, last out SoP) with the last walls to be constructed on the right? there was a space open to the left of the final wall section, but no, you and your lodge brother sealed yourselves into the caverns. despite your eagerness, i have no wish for you to explore the caverns. you two are nudists, and the job of exploration is better suited to those big muscular dwarves that wear the nice blue metal armor. we have a persistent security breach because no matter the order of designation, you always wall yourself into the caverns, and i am unwilling to lose you.
if anything happens to crawl up through the caverns, we will be returning to the "goblin years" policy of drafting everybody not actively involved in keeping the whole sodding mess of you drunken midgets alive. then, i will march the lot of you off to find "itvid", that giant green three eyed anteater that has coated the flooded caverns with his mucous.
kindest regards:
the power behind the throne
"Welcome to fucking Palaceblameless! Hope you like miasma!"
"Welcome to fucking Boatmurdered! hope you like miasma!"(http://feralpartykids.com/images/fry%20i%20see%20what%20you%20did%20there.jpg)
I like how everyone ignores the fact that he stated he was paraphrasing AKA taking a famous quote and using it to suit his own needs.I hope you know that's not the definition of paraphrasing.
I like how everyone ignores the fact that he stated he was paraphrasing AKA taking a famous quote and using it to suit his own needs.I hope you know that's not the definition of paraphrasing.
Dear Kurthyvor*, Dracon Trader
Just because YOU can breathe underwater does not mean your mule can. Stop swimming through the sewer system to get to the trade depot and then having your friends getting pissy and leaving because your mule drown. No, you are not aquatic lizard Santa. It will not be amusing for you to enter the fortress through the meeting hall waterfall bearing gifts.
Sincerely,
Tired of cleaning corpses out of the plumbing.
*"Dagger" in dracon
Dear Urist McThirst
Thirst is a very bad thing, I should know, I am the overseer. Drink, that is good to keep your mind busy, water is also good, only resort to drinking that when wounded or out of drink.
Now here is another thing, magma. You've heard of it right? It burns through rock, steel and flesh and is colored red. That "red" isn't the same color like that nice cranberry wine I got for the fort from our good neighbors.
Thirst is bad, but what is worse when you forget what you are drinking out of. Just remember, I care about you no matter howuselessunskilled you still are. Do NOT drink out of magma no matter how dehydrated you are. I'd rather keep you sane and sober than with half of your face melted off.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
The flying -silver ballista arrow- strikes The Orc Spearman in the head, bruising the muscle, jamming the skull through the brain and tearing apart the brain!That was some impressive powers of prediction there. Now will you please stop showing off and just shoot the rest of them?
The Orc Spearman has been knocked unconscious!
"...hope you recover swiftly, or your body is swiftly recovered"to
"...hope your body recovers swiftly, or your body is swiftly recovered"
dear urist mcswordsdwarf
i ordered you to go and kill the ambush before they killed the fisherdwarf.
you arrived on the scene in record time while he was being chased about.
however, you stood about 10 tiles away and watched for a good 30 seconds before deciding to help, shortly afterwards the fisherdwarf was dead. he wouldn't have died if you weren't USELESS.
sincerely,
homicidal invisible voice
PS. i have arranged for you to fight 10 trolls in the colosseum
PPS. okay, so the goblin thief was spotted by you, and you promptly lobbed its head off. i'll reduce your punishment to 5 trolls.
dear urist mcswordsdwarf
i ordered you to go and kill the ambush before they killed the fisherdwarf.
you arrived on the scene in record time while he was being chased about.
however, you stood about 10 tiles away and watched for a good 30 seconds before deciding to help, shortly afterwards the fisherdwarf was dead. he wouldn't have died if you weren't USELESS.
sincerely,
homicidal invisible voice
PS. i have arranged for you to fight 10 trolls in the colosseum
PPS. okay, so the goblin thief was spotted by you, and you promptly lobbed its head off. i'll reduce your punishment to 5 trolls.
Dear Voice,
That fisherdwarf was as good as dead. I was busy getting their attention screaming at the top of my lungs and hitting my sword against my shield, the goblins didn't react.
I did arrive 10 "tiles" ,as you call it, away because I know that when I tire out in running, I will be just like the fisherdwarf. I know I didn't know him well and was just a passing acquaintance but at least I was able to avenge him by killing the goblins.
Thanks for letting me in the colloseum your mightyness, it gives me a chance to prove myself worthy to you whom I cannot contact directly, proven by that thief.
Completely yours,
Mc Swords
dear urist mcswordsdorf
you are amazingly agile, virtually never sick, possed of amazing recuperative powers, absolutely exhaustible, basically unbreakable and unbelievably strong. you have 131 'notable' kills, many of which are titans and entire sieges you brought down alone.
a short jog and a few goblins shouldn't have been a problem.
Also you left troll bits all over the place. Its cool and all but they spurt the color of candy, and it drives me mad. only aim for the arteries on goblins, please.
Regards,
Homicidal invisible voice
To: Momuz Mysteryglazed
Re: Digging and where to do it.
You saw that we were carving out a new reservoir. You saw that it's three stories high. AND you're a Legendary Miner! So WHY did you decide to stand on the top floor as you cut the last rim piece to drop it down and clear the entire thing? You're damn-near dead, unconcious with most limbs in the red and your liver and left kidney are blue. If you had pay, it'd be docked. As-is, if you survive, you'll be part of testing the Knifemurders liquid superweapon. Both the hot and cold liquid tests. If you survive that, all will be forgiven.
I am aware of the western standard, indeed the left-sided masonic brotherhood thank me for regularly complying to their standards in my designs. However, this miner chose North over South.
dear shocked Overlord,I checked the civ screem before I embarked, all races were listed except dwarves, and goblins appeaered as a normal civ, I checked the raws and I had [CREATURE:GOLBIN] right under dwarf in the entity raws.
you may want to double check the civ screen before embarking
with love,
Starting Seven
I am aware of the western standard, indeed the left-sided masonic brotherhood thank me for regularly complying to their standards in my designs. However, this miner chose North over South.
In addition to the oath, it starts like this. Mine/Build West > East > North > South > NW > SW > NE > SE.
Everyone seems to forget that there are four sides of the masonic brotherhood these days...And mixes in between them. :)
Edit: Oops, forgot my letter Urist.
WoT snip
WoT snip
That, right there, is one badass doctor. "What? We have no splints? Not a single length of wood in the whole fortress? Then I shall cut down the trees myself!" There's above and beyond your duty and then there's that guy.
Seriously, his compassion attribute must be through the roof.
Dear Urist Nazomcog (((their actual name))), the legendary engraver.
Please, please, don't engrave the same crosses and pictures of wounded dwarves that you did in the hospital in our dwarves rooms.
Thank you,
Overseer.
Dear Urist Nazomcog (((their actual name))), the legendary engraver.
Please, please, don't engrave the same crosses and pictures of wounded dwarves that you did in the hospital in our dwarves rooms.
Thank you,
Overseer.
Dear Urist McDorfy Dwarfs
I know that you knew I was going to savescum, but I was doing !!Science!! to see how well my military would stand against all the demons of hell. Sure, they killed 60 before the last of our militia died and more hellspawn flooded out. But why, oh Armok help me why, did you all decide to run down to the depths to gather the socks of our dead when I explicitly said 'Dont fucking go down there, man.' Instead, you decided to all run down. Rather then hook up the last lever so everyone could cross the bridge and raise it, collapse the fort like an accordion and still live off the farms. But now I'm watching you all either burn to death in the fire breath of demons, get your heads torn off, or splash around the syndrome blood of dead demons. Though amusing, its unbelievably irritating.
Sincerely,
Your lives are my plaything
WoT snip
That, right there, is one badass doctor. "What? We have no splints? Not a single length of wood in the whole fortress? Then I shall cut down the trees myself!" There's above and beyond your duty and then there's that guy.
Seriously, his compassion attribute must be through the roof.
I no rite?
I mean, he /was/ the herbalist/woodcutter before becoming the doctor, but, yeah. No, he seriously is the best doctor I've ever had.
Edit:
Related, but, the hospital was soon there-after expanded, stocked liberally, and prettied up.
I suppose we should appoint a commitee to hand out prizes to the most heroic medical dwarves.
Dear Urist McToddler,
I know youre fascinated by your new found ability to walk, but i would not advise taking strolls outside to gather some socks when there are still many socks with live enemies filling them. It would be best in future if you stay inside and play with the mountains of toys we have in our stockpiles.
Your omnipotent ruler
P.S. I've locked your door in case you have the sudden urge to go exploring for socks again, though i doubt you'll be going anywhere soon with two broken legs and arms.
Dear Urist McInvincible;
What the hell? Seriously, what the hell?
Firstly; when I told you to deconstruct the sole plank of wood that held up the dirt plug for aquifer breaching, why did you decide to cut through it while standing on the plug?
Secondly, how on God's green earth did you survive the colony drop without a single goddamn scratch? I figured you were dead and done for after that little stunt of yours!
Sincerely,
a bewildered overseer.
I suppose we should appoint a commitee to hand out prizes to the most heroic medical dwarves.
PS: Oh well, never mind... I knew you weren't the sharpest knife in the drawer, even for dwarven standards, but dying of thirst while standing knee-deep in water? Seriously?! I guess, Urist McButchersApprentice has to do your job now...
Dear Urist McBrewer
I know our Fortress is still in its early phase of development and unable to provide the comforts of the Mountainhomes. But we can never prosper without hard work. And your hard work is what yields us alcohol, and our imported supplies are running out fast, so I'd really appreciate it if you, instead of taking breaks, would actually make some booze. We wouldn't want your comrades to have to drink from the extremely poorly planned water reservoir.
Yours
Kʌy the Overseer
Ps. And this time, don't resume slacking off after brewing and consuming your own portion. You don't want to seem like a selfish git, do you?
(P.S. To all those who are suffering from brewing problems, try giving other dwarves that labor, under farming. The brewing skill only affects the speed in which its brewed, not how many drinks. That is up to the Grower (if you brew home-grown plants) since 1 brew-able plant = 5 drink.)
(P.S. To all those who are suffering from brewing problems, try giving other dwarves that labor, under farming. The brewing skill only affects the speed in which its brewed, not how many drinks. That is up to the Grower (if you brew home-grown plants) since 1 brew-able plant = 5 drink.)
But doesn't it affect the 'secret' quality of the drink?
Dear Urist Mchungrydwarfamen bruthah. testify.
I understand that you just can't get enough of those tasty plump helmets, but there's a reason that they're not to be cooked. We have plenty of cooked meals in the stockpiles, but if you feel the need for booze (Arnok help you if you don't) then do -not- consume the item needed to brew said booze.
Sincerely, the guy one step away from blowing the still and booze stockpiles up to see how well you like it.
Dear Urist McBereavedMom
I don't know why you suddenly started spamming hundreds of cancellation messages about seeking an inaccessible infant, but STOP IT! It's driving me crazy and I swear it is the cause of this lag I'm having too. Here's a friendly reminder: your baby is DEAD! You decided to hang out by the front gate while you weren't on duty, probably reminiscing about that last ambush you helped stomp into the ground, and when that goblin master thief popped up right beside you, well, your baby shield went the way of all baby shields. At least you skewered the gobbo in revenge.
I'm sorry about your loss, but I don't make special allowances for military moms. You don't even seem to care much since you're still ecstatic with the joy of slaughter and everything. So why are you suddenly bombarding me with all this nonsense? The poor girl is dead and buried honorably. Snap out of it.
Edit: Ah, so removing the burrow restriction fixed it. She ran to the gate again, then returned to work. Odd.
Dear Urist McLeroyJenkins,
The order to return to your barracks was not a suggestion. You cannot kill 75 goblins by yourself. Reinforcements are not coming. And for Armok's sake, refill your quiver now and then.
Sincerely,
???
To: The Yaks
Those cage traps are not for you. They are for the local basilisks so I can catch and tame some war basilisks. Wouldn't everybody want a small army of big 6 legged lizards with scales as hard as copper a paralyzing bite and an endless supply of those scales for leather armor?
There are already 3 of you glorified cows in the fortress zoo. I don't need 10 more. So far I have been merciful, simply releasing you back into the wilds. Partially because throwing so many of you into the arena is impractical. But if you keep this up I'm going to start taming all of you so that my butchers can make you useful.
You don't want to be useful.
Sincerely,
The administration of- oh hell, are you giving BIRTH in the cages now? Oh FFS.
Dear Urist McWhomeverBitTheForgottenBeastInTheHeadAndKilledIt,
Why?
Yrs,
Apparently Not That Omniscient Overlord
Dear Urist Mcfeymood...
Why, oh why, do you insist on waiting to continue gathering items when the fortress doesn't have 1 item you wanted, but it's in the middle of the list so you stop?
I have a hard enough time figuring out what, exactly, you're missing when you list vague items, let alone when you refuse to clarify which item on the list we're missing.
der ovser,Dear Urist Mcfeymood...
Why, oh why, do you insist on waiting to continue gathering items when the fortress doesn't have 1 item you wanted, but it's in the middle of the list so you stop?
I have a hard enough time figuring out what, exactly, you're missing when you list vague items, let alone when you refuse to clarify which item on the list we're missing.
The order they list them in is the order they want to collect. Use [t] to figure out what they don't have.
Dear goblins:
Please go away. You've murdered all of my surface-side dwarves and nearly half of my military, which is embarrasing. Now bugger off.
Dear Katana, Mayor:
You may be the only male in the fortress, but can you PLEASE stop fucking the other females?
Dear Morul Idokas (Pointcaves), Wood Burner turned Miner,
Excellent work out there. As you were dutifully mining a vein of hematite on the exposed mountainside, the goblins sprung an ambush upon you and the haulers hanging around the tunnel's entrance. With no way to escape, cornered in the tunnel, I left you for dead. However, in a stunning act of Dwarven badassery, you caved in a speargoblin's head and imploded the chests of two others before fleeing out of the cave and toward the fortress entrance, running past our resident champion Lokum Craftsteels the Tepid Order, who, I imagine, gave you a high-five on the way out. Umozentuk (Rampagewithers), her trusty silver warhammer in hand, she dispatched the goblin squad well before her comrades arrived (her axedwarf companion was busy strangling an ogre, if I recall correctly).
The elven traders with whom the ambush arrived were also killed, just because I could loosely tie the ambush's presence to their caravan and I was in a particularly sadistic mood at the moment. Only two haulers were killed in the ambush, despite me being taken completely by surprise, and I feel that your quick action and precision with a pickaxe deserves an honorable mention. Without you, I'm sure more haulers would have been lost that day, especially since you managed to kill one goblin right off the bat and incapacitated two others-- already half the squad!-- by forcibly implanting a large piece of heavy mining equipment into their sternums without a moment's hesitation. I salute you, good sir.
Sincerely,
His Prestigious High-Quality Luxury Premium Exultation, Overseer KillPatient
dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.
sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord
dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.
sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord
You call them useless. I call them shock troops.
you call them fb food, i call them haulers, to cut down of the current decade of backlogged hauling i have in front of me.dear king,
we have no need for any cheesemaker,spinner,yak bollocks extractor or any useless jobs arround here.
sincerely,
peskyninja the Overlord
You call them useless. I call them shock troops.
You call them shock troops. I call them FB food.
Dear Urist McGreedyfuck,
When you come on your little fuckin caravan to trade with me, DO NOT demand over 2k in trader profit. I offered 200 profit, more than I usually give. And you stormed off, calling ME a child? I give you ONE more goddamn chance. You pull that shit on me again I WILL KILL YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Sincerely,
Fuck you.
Dear Urist McNoble,Dear Overseer Max,
I hope you find your new accommodations appropriate, as you seem to have such a love for slade. I decided to place you in the location that you would like best! Enjoy!
From,
Your Loyal Overseer.
Dear Urist McGreedy****,
When you come on your little ****in caravan to trade with me, DO NOT demand over 2k in trader profit. I offered 200 profit, more than I usually give. And you stormed off, calling ME a child? I give you ONE more goddamn chance. You pull that **** on me again I WILL KILL YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Sincerely,
**** you.
Dear starting 7 Dwarves of Abbeykiller:Dear Overseer G,
Why do you all like wood?
-Overseer G
Dear Overseer G,Dear starting 7 Dwarves of Abbeykiller:Dear Overseer G,
Why do you all like wood?
-Overseer G
Because, it's, like, colorful and stuff. duuuuuuuuude. hehehe. Want some rope reed fiber cloth?
Sincerely,
7 starting dwarves of Abbeykiller.
Dear starting 7 Dwarves of Abbeykiller:Dear Overseer G,
Why do you all like wood?
-Overseer G
Because, it's, like, colorful and stuff. duuuuuuuuude. hehehe. Want some rope reed fiber cloth?
Sincerely,
7 starting dwarves of Abbeykiller.
PS: 3 babbies are dead because of you! :'( WTF is wrong with you? How are you still ecstatic you little baby murderer?"Urist has taken joy in slaughter lately"
Dear Unnamed Fire Imp,
Get the fuck out of my magma vent. You've already killed one swordsdwarf as he jumped into the volcano to attack you and burned to death hundreds of Urists below.
- The Invisible Man in the Sky
I have noticed many of your engravings depict the birdwoman in entirely inappropriate mannerisms. notably, "The Sensual Tail" "The Organized Holes" and "The Fang of Romances."
Having a mooder not picking up more stuff, I figured I'd need to go for silk in the caverns. Found the first cavern (first I found anyway) at -75, stretching down to -137 and it's HIDEOUSLY BORING. Normally when you explore more in a cavern it's "YOU'VE STRUCK THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND OOOH THIS IS SHINY, YOU STRUCK THAT TOO ETC". But NOW it's simply "you've struck cobaltite, garnierite and red spinel" on repeat. It's in gabbro. There's huuuge fields of webs laying around but it's not exactly easy to reach. The dwarf with the mood is at -2 and the first loom is next to him whereas the webs are at -135 and it isn't exactly a trip straight down either. AUGH.
And I ordered WAAAY too much leather from the caravan. The dwarf caravan is the only caravan. No elves, no humans, no goblins to be seen.
EDIT: AUGH. A web got fetched, processed to silk AND HE DIDN'T GRAB IT. BY GUM. This game is both boring and hideously frustrating. I'm gonna start a new fort elsewhere. Criminy coleslaw.
Urist Mcnice now make sure he has a sonMinerVader
Notice of Reassignment
Due to your recent actions as regards: Attempting to walk out through the magma forge channel on the inside of the fort as opposed to walking around to use the front door and being temporarily immersed in shoulder-depth magma.
You have been reassigned from your previous role of: Sub-Legendary Miner
Your new role is that of: Swordsdwarf
Please return the following equipment: Copper Pick
Please see the quartermaster and retrieve the following equipment: Steel Armor, Full Set. Adamantine Short Sword.
Please consider the following notes: You've got major burns over 92% of the surface of your body. To be perfectly blunt, you're not very pleasing to look at any more. The mayor has decided that you're going to be a swordsdwarf on the front lines once you get better. Your new name working name will be McVader, which means "Foolhardy". Whenever possible, try to keep your armor on, shiny black steel is much more pleasing to look at than blackened flesh which will never recover. If you make it a few years without dying, we'll review your situation. Maybe you can make a name for yourself? Anything's possible.
- The Management
Dear Urist McJerky
Why must you run out during a seige and get turned into beef jerky...
Sincerely,
Urist McMilitiaCommander
he will try to get inside ASAP.Except when he sees enemy. Civilian will run around like headless chicken, and military will suicidally attack. Great choices!
he will try to get inside ASAP.Except when he sees enemy. Civilian will run around like headless chicken, and military will suicidally attack. Great choices!
Dear dwarves of Abbeykiller(and to the Mountainhomes):Dear Overseer G,
Please stop having just about everyone liking some kind of wood. It's not Dwarfy. Failure to comply may lead to an unfortunate accident until this is resolved.
Dear Urist McMigrant-
Yes, I know you're excited about military duty. That does not mean take off all your clothes out in the middle of the woods in preparation for your new uniform. You'll just have to go pick them up again when you go off duty, and that will probably lead to badger women. Not good, Urist McMigrant.
Sincerely,
Your Fortress
Dear Urist McMigrant-Furry Dorfs?
Yes, I know you're excited about military duty. That does not mean take off all your clothes out in the middle of the woods in preparation for your new uniform. You'll just have to go pick them up again when you go off duty, and that will probably lead to badger women. Not good, Urist McMigrant.
Sincerely,
Your Fortress
Dear 7 dwarves of IFORGOTTHENAMEOFMYOWNFORT
The frequent waves of bagder boars might look agressive, but you are dwarfs, please fight them instead of leaving my valueable spider silk yarn in the middle of nowhere.
Yours truly
Your flatulent overseer.
Dear 7 dwarves of IFORGOTTHENAMEOFMYOWNFORT
The frequent waves of bagder boars might look agressive, but you are dwarfs, please fight them instead of leaving my valueable spider silk yarn in the middle of nowhere.
Yours truly
Your flatulent overseer.
Dear flatulent overseer, please consider a less bean-based diet in the future.
Also: we challenge you to stand and do battle with a vicious foaming monster that comes up to your knees while armed with nothing.
Yours Truly, The Dwarves of YOUFORGOTTHEFORTNAME
Dear "G,"
An investigator has been sent from the Mountainhomes to investigate the circumstances behind the large number of recent deaths of those under your care at Abbeykiller. If he finds that foul play was involved, the consequences will involve a helmet, a Hammerlord, and 5 months straight of head-bashing. Your cooperation will be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Dwarven Expeditionary Logistics and Accountability
Dear D.E.L.A,
Yes. Please send an investigator over who loves wood. I'll keep him company with the magma carp.
-G
Dear D.E.L.A,
Yes. Please send an investigator over who loves wood. I'll keep him company with the magma carp.
-G
Dear G,
I must confess that I have a great liking to wood. After all, what other material has so many practical uses, all of which piss off elves? The only time I don't like wood is when I see it stuck in the ground, unused, growing those leafy green things. I'm sure you'll agree with my proposal that we cut down some more of those horrid "trees" so that we can produce more of those wonderful wooden earrings.
Yours Truely,
A wood-loving noble.
Dear Strem Frightspite the Lonely:
You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.
Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.
Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."
On a unrelated note :Dear Strem Frightspite the Lonely:
You are a Forgotten Beast Theropod with Deadly Blood, a Bite, a Horn, and Claws.
Please, when future goblins / elves fall into your lonely dodge trap, use those to kill, instead of the pig fiber tunic you're somehow carrying and trying to gradually beat broken things to death with.
Next time, you might lose your other Horn when some goblin decides "I should fight this thing instead of running away screaming."
Dear Overlord Ross Vernal,
RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!*
Yours truly,
Forgotten Theropod
*Translation : But it's so pretty and soft...
Dear Urist McDumbass:
After seeing three people die building the previous pump stack, you'd think you would have learned.
Your profession is now "Fucktard" and I hope you enjoy either drowning or dying of thirst, depending on how long you take to die.
However was it really necessary to put them all in one bed? There's 19 others in the hospital, and I can't help but think it makes the doctors' jobs a little difficult.
Dear Urist McChiefMedicalDwarf,
You have diagnosis on. You "find helping others rewarding" and are "willing to compromise with others." Diagnose the patient that's missing a foot already!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dwarves, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING IDIOTS.Dear Unnamed Overseer,
Sock syndrome.
Dear Urist McChiefMedicalIdiot,Dear Urist McChiefMedicalDwarf,
You have diagnosis on. You "find helping others rewarding" and are "willing to compromise with others." Diagnose the patient that's missing a foot already!
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Overseer GWG
C'mon now Boss, both you and me know what's wrong with the fella, he's missin' a foot! Don't take a doctor to tell you that. Now I'm gonna go have a drink while he figures out how to stumble around of there's nothing else ya need.
-Urist Mctoolazytogetacrutchchiefmedicaldwarf
Dear UristMcGlassMandater:
Have you even realized we don't make glass here?
The Overseer
Fixed that for you.Dear UristMcGlassMandater:
Have you even realized we don't make glass here?
The Overseer
Dear Overseer,
Yes, I have. That's why I'm mandating some.
UristMcGlassMandator.
(Seriously, half a dozen bags of sand won't cost much and you must have one or two idle hands to put on the job. Let him have a couple of glass floodgates in his bedroom or something.)
Dear questioning overseer:Dear Urist mcMigrant,
There be gold in them thar hills. ... Well, maybe not gold, but wealth to be certain. And it seems to call us...
Urist mcMigrant
Dear Urist mcMigrant,
Welcome to the militia. Here's your maple training axe and spider silk cloth hat. Now let's go hunting trolls.
-- Melissia
Dear Urist McNoblepantsDon't have them fight. Their bragging will cause a tantrum spiral.
Please stop mandating so many things in so quick a succession. I understand that being a noble means that your life is empty and meaningless, but our lives are not, so you should simply put up with it.
As per your request, you are permitted to drink from the BLACK barrels. You are permitted to invite Urist McDiplomat and Urist McLegendaryManicDepressiveAxeDwarf to your party.
On that note, your burial chamber is finished as per your demands.
My regards,
-- Overseer Melissia
Dear Urist McDrownedGuy,
When running away from Gobbos, you run the way TOWARDS the fortress wall for safety, not running away near the river and dodging into the water.
-The Overseer
Well maybe they are very nice chains?
Dear Urist McScepterArtifactCreator, of Sockdreams,
You DO realize this fortress was founded to supply the Mountainhome's military with fresh socks, correct? The only reason there is a Mason's Workshop is to make rock blocks, and you decide to take it over and make a stone scepter instead of a stone sock. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
-The Overseer
Dear Urist McScepterArtifactCreator, of Sockdreams,
You DO realize this fortress was founded to supply the Mountainhome's military with fresh socks, correct? The only reason there is a Mason's Workshop is to make rock blocks, and you decide to take it over and make a stone scepter instead of a stone sock. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
-The Overseer
Dear Overseer,
The same reason our entire economy is based around making socks. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Urist.
Dear Legendary Axe Dwarf,
You are a god damn God of War. You, alone, could probably slay 20 goblins without a single injury.
How the hell do you drown in a murky pool?
Signed,
-Your Goddamn Boss
To the Dwarves of SwordThunders. How the hell does at least one of you drop dead of either thirst or hunger per month when your homes are about 20-30 paces from the food storage room? Especially when it's full of both food AND alcohol?! Not to mention the well on the level below.
Sincerely;
Your confused Overlord.
The flying ({mithril arrow}) strikes The Buzzard in the right lower leg, fracturing the bone!
A motor nerve has been severed, a ligament has been torn and a tendon has been torn!
The Buzzard falls over.
The Buzzard gives in to pain.
The Buzzard slams into an obstacle and blows apart!
Dear UristMacReady,
I do realize that you and your friends are embarked in a freezing biome, and the nextsupply planecaravan isn't due until Autumn. I know it's an unsettling locale. But really, I assure you, those penguins are just penguins. They're not going to come after you. and they most assuredly are not going to sprout fangs and tentacles and start screeching. They're. Just. Penguins. Not The Thing.
I'm tired of cancellation spam.
Not amused,
Your overseer
You cant see their beady little eyes... We're pretty sure they plan to kill us and take our socks to wear as hats of victory.
You cant see their beady little eyes... We're pretty sure they plan to kill us and take our socks to wear as hats of victory.
My heart exploded.
... If it weren't for the fact that a corpse on the obelisk point would ruin the perfection of the tower...
Dear Urist McAlmostStarvesAllTheTimeDueToHisOwnStupidityDear Overseer Melissia,
Have you considered getting a shorter name? I mean, "DoesNotStarveDueToHisOwnStupidity" is certainly much easier to fit on a tablet, I'm sure you'll agree.
-- Overseer Melissia.
Dear Urist Mcbeekeeper
We all love mead, and I actually built those beehives specifically so you would have something to do when your not in the army. Why the hell do you always try to walk out the door during sieges? We're in lock down they've got archers and your not helping any by oscillating through the door (preventing its locking) screaming that you can't collect bees for our hives. Your partner in beekeeping got caught dicking around at the edge of the map and is now doing his best impression of a porcupine, a dead one. Get it? Also why do you always come back tired, dehydrated, and hungry? Do you always have to take this beekeeping stuff to the extreme?
The Overseer
ps- Next time the Giant Badgers can have you.
To Urist McTriggerHappy
I TOLD your sqaud to discard your crossbows after the last little mishap. Your squad captain is going toe-to-toe with a Rat Monster with his spear and YOU'RE SHOOTING AT IT INSTEAD OF USING THE STEEL AXE I GAVE YOU. Be advised I'm making a list of dwarves that have displeased me. Your squad captain managed to get off the list by dropping his wooden spear for a candy pick and hammer when I told him to. You would be wise to follow his example if you survive.
Sincerely;
The Circus-Insulting Overlord.
Dear Urist McCrafter
Yes, I know that was a very scary vulture, but you don't have to tell me it's there 50 times while bleating like a little lamb and walking back and forth.
Dear Urist McHastilydraftedminer
Why did you dodge into my moat? Did you think the vulture might tear out your throat if you didn't? You will not be mourned or buried, and your miasma will make only the fish sick.
Yours,
JDF117
Dear Dorfs of Gemtower;
Run into the fortress when I give the order!
Dear military squad.Dear Overseer,
You are ten masters in your field from hammer, to spear to sword. You can dodge any attack, resist any blow that lands and...you all fucking dodged into the magma lake. You, and then the marksmen decided they would use their bows as clubs, and lo and behold, you also dodged into the magma lake. I fucking hate all of you.
Sincerely, an overseer who will not be making you any slabs.
Dear military squad.Dear Overseer,
You are ten masters in your field from hammer, to spear to sword. You can dodge any attack, resist any blow that lands and...you all fucking dodged into the magma lake. You, and then the marksmen decided they would use their bows as clubs, and lo and behold, you also dodged into the magma lake. I fucking hate all of you.
Sincerely, an overseer who will not be making you any slabs.
We are doing what we do best, killing and maiming. Have fun with your mangled and possessed dwarves.
With fists of your own flesh,
The D-Team
Dear Urist McCaptainDear Management,
I know that the insane merchant from the mountainhomes attacked you first, and that you decapitated him in self-defense, but now you've triggered a loyalty cascade and I cannot allow that to spread. You are fired. Report to the firing chamber of the magma cannon at once.
Sincerely,
The Management
Dear UristMc3PeopleWhoFellDownAHole,
Two of you won't get this letter, because you guys are dead, but to UristMcWounded, please hurry up and heal, you are our only skilled brewer, and we need some booze.
Signed,
Your Not So Loving Overseer
Dear Urist McNotBrewingADamnThingUntilIHeal,...The Slender Man?
Our doctor is doing his best, but since you broke so many things, you are turning into walking string and bits of cloth.
Signed,
GettingTiredOfWritingNotes
Perhaps, minus the whole walking thing.Dear Urist McNotBrewingADamnThingUntilIHeal,...The Slender Man?
Our doctor is doing his best, but since you broke so many things, you are turning into walking string and bits of cloth.
Signed,
GettingTiredOfWritingNotes
Yes, I know there's a barrel of food somewhere in a deep cavern, and I know it's not forbidden to eat from it. I also don't know where the f__k it is.I have an idea. Hide any food that can be pathed to, then go into the stocks screen and forbid anything that isn't hidden.
Dear Urist McHerbalist,
I know you showed up with no social skills and only an adequate guild rating in herbalism, but please at least do the one job your good at. I'm tired of dwarves complaining of starvation while you sit on your fat, beer-stinking ass on break for a whole year and let the crops wither.
Sincerely,
Your starving overlord
Dear UristMcReleaseThePandaMen while I understand that you're not the most mentally adept and the pandamen do look like large teddy bears releasing them into the fortress in a so called "Fun time" is not acceptable.We already lost most of the fortress to them.
Sincerely
Moderately Annoyed Underpaid overseer.
Dear GWG,Explain to me again why Lye is in the food stockpile list, and not the stone or at least bar/block list? I know it isn't in block form, but it is most definitely not food. ;)
You mean this white, powdery liquid isn't foo--ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH MAH MOUF, ID BUUUUWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNSTH!
Sincerely,
Urist McSoapmaker
Dear Kivish Athelal†th, Fisherdwarf,
For future reference, the brook freezing over is your cue to go and lend a hand with the hundred and one other jobs that need doing in the fortress, not seek out the only remaining liquid water in the area. I can personally assure you that you won't find any fish in the drinking water cistern.
Yours,
Your designated Avatar of Armok.
Dear Urist McSwordmaster and Urist McAxedwarf
When killing a wolf could you please use the weapons you have been assigned instead of biting it to death over a period of one month. Not only is it inefficient but also very cruel to the animal in question. Please follow the example of Urist McHammerdwarf who quickly dispatched three wolfs by bashing their heads in.
Sincerely
Management
Dear Urist Mc Awesome.I really like it!
Quit being Awesome and actually do something.
Sincerely, job queue.
Dear Sqauds the Parity of Crystal, Molten Spears, and another whose name escapes me for now,Dear Overseer,
You guys are awesome. Truly. You're poorly equipped, half-assed trained, and yet you've killed countless cavern critters, a small goblin ambush, and best of all, an ETTIN. You took down the berserk child before she could cause major trouble quite nicely, too. But for the gods' sakes, did one of you have to hit that tantrumming recruit quite so hard? A punch in the nose would have sufficed. Now I have to engrave a slab for him. What an ignoble end.
I look forward to sending you against the first Forgotten Beast to visit, when it does. I hope you won't mind me sealing the cavern behind you until we see what happens out.
Proudly,
Your Overseer
The beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Both sides are correct.Quote from: The Grenadier's handbook to infantry DwarfshipThe beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Surely Drunken Idiot is an honorific among dwarves?Both sides are correct.Quote from: The Grenadier's handbook to infantry DwarfshipThe beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Surely Drunken Idiot is an honorific among dwarves?Both sides are correct.Quote from: The Grenadier's handbook to infantry DwarfshipThe beauty of the command system is that the commanding officer thinks all of his soldiers are drunken idiots, and all of the soldiers think the officers are drunken idiots.
Also Dear Dwarves,
The goblins are behind a 4 tile thick solid granite wall with a magma moat. Just because you can see him does not mean he can kill you. He does not have voodoo eyes!
Your sincerely, The Overseer.
Dear Urist Mc Awesome.I really like it!
Quit being Awesome and actually do something.
Sincerely, job queue.
Dear DF.
PLEASE, STOP CRASHING ON EMBARK.
Sincerely, Urist Mc10minutesWastedOnSkillAssigments.
Dear Urist Mc10MinuesWastedOnSkillAssignments,If you're spending 10 minutes on skill assignments alone, then you're probably tailoring skills to individual dwarves. Embark profiles assign skills to dwarves based on their position in the list, not on their stats.
Embark profiles can help next time.
Thanks! I even started preparing similar tool!Dear Urist Mc10MinuesWastedOnSkillAssignments,If you're spending 10 minutes on skill assignments alone, then you're probably tailoring skills to individual dwarves. Embark profiles assign skills to dwarves based on their position in the list, not on their stats.
Embark profiles can help next time.
The DGC helps immensely here, although I often ignore its military suggestions in favour of picking dwarves who are fast healers and not horribly clumsy.
Dear Urist McCrotchServerer,
Did you really go and server 3 Dwarves' crotches in a tantrum?
Let's just hope those three dwarves weren't women :oDear Urist McCrotchServerer,
Did you really go and server 3 Dwarves' crotches in a tantrum?
"You cheated on my wife!" *crotch attack*
"You cheated too!" *crotch attack*
"And you... I dont know, but I love the blood!" *crotch attack*
It helps, with gear if nothing else.Dear Urist Mc10MinuesWastedOnSkillAssignments,If you're spending 10 minutes on skill assignments alone, then you're probably tailoring skills to individual dwarves. Embark profiles assign skills to dwarves based on their position in the list, not on their stats.
Embark profiles can help next time.
The DGC helps immensely here, although I often ignore its military suggestions in favour of picking dwarves who are fast healers and not horribly clumsy.
You mad bro?
Thanks! I even started preparing similar tool!Hmm, how were you getting the dwarf info? DGC is nice, but having to export through Runesmith each time is a minor annoyance.
Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Magma. Solves. Everything.
With magma,
Necro910
Magma the paper, the thing said paper was supposed to achieve, and magma the assigner of said paper for good measure.Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Magma. Solves. Everything.
With magma,
Necro910
Not math. At least not all of it.
Magma.
Dear Loud Whispers,Dear Dwarf Forum.Dear Loud Whispers,
WTF.
...
That is all.
Thank you.
With Magma,
Necro910
Dear Necro,
Magma only goes so far.
That is all.
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples
Here are some strawberries. You see that horse that sets everything on fire? Feed it.
~Sincerely, kind noble.
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples
Here are some strawberries. You see that horse that sets everything on fire? Feed it.
~Sincerely, kind noble.
Dear Kind Noble,
The horse is ON. FUCKING. FIRE. There's way in Armok I'm going near it.
Urist McPerson
Dear Urist McPeoples,
You see that horse right there that sets everything on fire? DON'T GO NEAR IT.
The overseer.
Dear Urist McPeoples
Here are some strawberries. You see that horse that sets everything on fire? Feed it.
~Sincerely, kind noble.
Dear Kind Noble,
The horse is ON. FUCKING. FIRE. There's way in Armok I'm going near it.
Urist McPerson
Dear Urist McPerson,
I mandate you make me 9001 adamantine socks engraved with slade by yesterday.
YO MAD?
Dear Mountain Home:
Send me some bloody forge workers, I have Iron Ore EVERYWHERE!
Sincerely, this random little fortress.
Dear Garath,
If you'd clearly define where we can and can't go during an attack, we'd be happy to stay there. I think there is something called a "burrow" and a "civilian alert".
Sincerely,
Those of us who have managed to survive your rule so far
Dear Grytorm,Dear -Urist
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?
-Urist
Dear Urist McKickass,
You were already a level 14 butcher. I already loved and needed you. Then you noticed my attempts to train up a blacksmith on random junk so we could have nice, masterwork gold statues for the base. You then decided that was the job for you and went into a mood to build me an artifact iron door, thus launching yourself to legendary blacksmith status. Thank you so much. The engravers have finished lining your new expanded room with mostly masterwork engravings. I'm buying some of your favorite materials to make you nice things out of.
Thanks again,
Your pleasantly surprised overlord.
do you see the small mining area i gave you? why do you still insist on burrowing through the middel and then haphazardly mining randon blocks in any location? i know a 3x3 area is very effective, but as soon as its 7x7, you run up and down, hacking at a spot here, poking a new spot somewhere away.... why dont you just mine the next closest piece noone else is mining?
Here is a immigration form, mandatory for all unsure arrivalsuseless migrantsto the fortress:
1. What skills do you bring to the mountain home? Explain...
2. What do you plan to achieve here? Explain...
3. Do you feel you will be happy here? Y/N
4. Are you willing to live your life here in a small 1*1 room with just a bed and having to subside on a diet of plump helmets and plump helmet wine? Y/N
5. Are you willing to spend your entire life creating rock mugs and plump helmet biscuits until you die alone and unremembered in some dark mineshaft? Y/N
6. Are you willing to forage for mushrooms and webs in a dark cavern filled with twisted abominations of the deep and horrors unremembered by the aeons past? Y/N
7. Are you willing to work next an open chasm leading into the fiery depths of the earth, and having to constantly be running up and down a flight of steps with chunks of heavy rock? Y/N
If you answered no to questions 3 to 7, then congratulations! You are now a member of the armed forces of the mountainhome! Don your metal armor and report to the training area, where you will be locked in for a week and beaten by wooden spears until unconscious!
I did what you wanted! I made a nice burrow encompass the whole inside of the fort, and all working space, all but the outside surface and the trap corridor.
SO
why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY
ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?
I did what you wanted! I made a nice burrow encompass the whole inside of the fort, and all working space, all but the outside surface and the trap corridor.
SO
why did you still go outside! i forbid every item i could find outside, canceled every job.... WHY
ok, YOU escaped unharmed, but next time? who's next, will he be agile like you?
Dear starting seven dwarves, and Urist McPlanter in particular,
What the fuck are you guys doing? Only about three dwarves are occupied right now and those are the ones deforesting the map, digging a ditch, and building bridges.
So why, oh why, are the plump helmets rotting in the just-plowed fields?
If you guys starve and die this early on THEN YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING A DAMNED SLAB.
Sincerely,
je ne sais quoi
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear JNSQ,
Hey, boss, did you perhaps tell us not to gather food in the (o)rders menu?
Sincerely and all that,
Urist McPlanter
Dear Archers #1, 2, and 3,this is why giant serrated blades are epic.
WHEN I TELL YOU TO KILL THAT THIEVING GOBLIN I DO NOT MEAN RUN INSIDE THE FORTRESS, BECAUSE OF YOU HE GOT AWAY. YOU'RE LUCKY I DON;T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Sincerely,
Your shoutY overseer
thief comes in, gets shredded, nothing, not even a 'Thief protect the horde' thing
Dear crappy laptop,
Fuck you. You cost me a fort today, asshole. Because you decided to crash while I was playing DF, the game's coding sees this as a 'save scum'. Which it wasn't. We all know what save scumming can do, intentional or not. Screw you, you stupid piece of jumk. I'll be glad when I can afford that nice new desktop.
NOT amused
Me
They do, but goblin thieves do not.Dear Archers #1, 2, and 3,this is why giant serrated blades are epic.
WHEN I TELL YOU TO KILL THAT THIEVING GOBLIN I DO NOT MEAN RUN INSIDE THE FORTRESS, BECAUSE OF YOU HE GOT AWAY. YOU'RE LUCKY I DON;T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Sincerely,
Your shoutY overseer
thief comes in, gets shredded, nothing, not even a 'Thief protect the horde' thing
Don't kobold thieves have [TRAPAVOID]? They've been waltzing through my traps without repercussion for ages (on the other hand that tag doesn't do very much against axedwarves carrying *steel axes*).
Dear crappy laptop,
Fuck you. You cost me a fort today, asshole. Because you decided to crash while I was playing DF, the game's coding sees this as a 'save scum'. Which it wasn't. We all know what save scumming can do, intentional or not. Screw you, you stupid piece of jumk. I'll be glad when I can afford that nice new desktop.
NOT amused
Me
Dear you,
Like I give a damn.
Crappy Laptop
Exactly, and that's why you're crappy. You'll give a damn when you become a !!laptop!! after I replace you :P
Dear person above who asked what save scumming does
I don't know the specifics, but it cn corrupt your save. Which, of course, it did.
Me
Dear explorers and/or the RNG,
I know you can consider mountains as the "Teeth" of the planet, but,"The Teeth of Brushing".Really?
Confused,a minor servant of armok.
To Baron Unicorn,
How is it that I was able to nominate you for a barony? You aren't even tamed and therefore part of my fort?
Though I look forward to your lack of mandates, I am confused. A glorified horse giving us orders?
-Reudh
Ya beat me to it, Necro. I was gonna ask if he had joined you guys in the MLF addiction. :D
I suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.
So, do you dig them out, or just slap a slab onto the block of ice that has become his tomb? :DQuote from: My solution to everything in lifeI suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.
Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.
So, do you dig them out, or just slap a slab onto the block of ice that has become his tomb? :DQuote from: My solution to everything in lifeI suggest a good dose of water above ground during winter on a glacier.
Dammit dwarves, freezing yourselves to death is only funny the first thousand times. Now it's hilarious. Stop it.
Dear Overseer,
Oops, too late.
-Urist McAxeLord.
if there's lots of g's and z's, it's gobbo. If you don't really recognize it, it's human. if it's called Urist, it's dwarf.
Dear ponies of Gemgrooves,
Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege. We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all. And as for the Forgotten Beast? Fine showing! I didn't think you'd take him down. I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects. I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though. Thankfully.
Your Overpony
Dear ponies of Gemgrooves,He's playing with the MLP mod.
Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege. We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all. And as for the Forgotten Beast? Fine showing! I didn't think you'd take him down. I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects. I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though. Thankfully.
Your Overpony
pony = dwarf...? ???
Dear ponies of Gemgrooves,
Considering I only have the military figured out on the most half-assed level, you guys did great with your first siege. We lost seven ponies to the Dromedian invaders, but you killed them all. And as for the Forgotten Beast? Fine showing! I didn't think you'd take him down. I'll be monitoring you all for any nasty effects. I don't think he had a chance to use his poisons, though. Thankfully.
Your Overpony
pony = dwarf...? ???
Dear dwarves,
If you had actually fought the goblins, you wouldn't all be dead right now.
edit; DEAR SWEET ARMOK A MY LITTLE PONY MOD!?! RE-ALIGN THE MAGMA CANNON WE ARE TAKING THEM OUT!
Dear Urist McOnBreak,
I don't see how TWO TILES of mining can't be done before you take a break. Yeah, i know you've worked hard. No, two squares of mining is not going to kill you. Get back to it.
Dear Urist McNewmom
You were hauling that War Cave Crocodile to his new pasture outside where he could sniff out thieves and snatchers when you dropped a new baby out of your uterus. Why didn't you immediately release the croc and grab your kid. Or not release it and grab your new kid. I wanted to see what would happen when a giant, underground reptile full of sharp, pointy teeth met your new baby. Granted he was trained, but an Overseer can dream, can't he?
Dear Urist McNewbabby
Ok you're kind of cute crawling around the place, getting in the way. Still, I wish you had crawled closer to the caverns. I wanted to see if you could punch out one of the blind cave ogres that have been creeping into the lower entrances.
Sincerely,
Your Perversely Amoral and Extremely Cruel But That's Par For The Course With Fortress Overlords, Fortress Overlord
worrier
worrier
Worrier? Someone who worries? or someone who bites and shakes things around? Ooh, i should make a legendary worrier.
Dear Loud Whispers,
WE STILL HAVE YOUR DOOR, BITCH. WE WANT 20,000,000 DORFBUCKS OR WE BURN IT.
- Urist McDoorTerrorists
Dear Loud Whispers,
WE STILL HAVE YOUR DOOR, BITCH. WE WANT 20,000,000 DORFBUCKS OR WE BURN IT.
- Urist McDoorTerrorists
It's made of Jade. It's the scary door. Burn it, you release the HFS. Bluff called >:D
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
Urist McBrewer,
I finally thought I had our thirst problem fixed when the grass was harvested, and victory
seemed so close... When you decided to fall face first into the snow on your way to the
still for who knows how long.
While you were resting, everyone else either died of thirst or went insane. You are the only
(Sane and uninjured) survivor.
...
I hope you enjoyed your nap.
If there were any other dwarves, i'd have them kill you.
~Overseer McHatefulljerk.
Dear Loud Whispers,
WE STILL HAVE YOUR DOOR, BITCH. WE WANT 20,000,000 DORFBUCKS OR WE BURN IT.
- Urist McDoorTerrorists
It's made of Jade. It's the scary door. Burn it, you release the HFS. Bluff called >:D
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with either
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only Thursday
You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only ThursdaySpoiler: Nope... (click to show/hide)
And i believe it has been burnt by the image-terrorists.You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only ThursdaySpoiler: Nope... (click to show/hide)
I don't speek Greek, but I believe that image is broken or missing.
And i believe it has been burnt by the image-terrorists.You, sir, just accused dwarves of having problems with eitherWhy did you bring up tuesdays? It's not even tuesday yet.
A: Burning inflammable materials, and
B: Releasing hell upon the world
and it's only ThursdaySpoiler: Nope... (click to show/hide)
I don't speek Greek, but I believe that image is broken or missing.
WHAT IS THERE NOT A TERRORIST FOR?!
You now have 200 adamantine clad badgers in the heart of your fortress.
Forbid stone hauling for her and make her do some random common job like cooking, farming or plant gathering to keep her occupied.I make my Chief Medical Dwarf into either the Chef Medical Dwarf or Barman Medical Dwarf. :)
Forbid stone hauling for her and make her do some random common job like cooking, farming or plant gathering to keep her occupied.I make my Chief Medical Dwarf into either the Chef Medical Dwarf or Barman Medical Dwarf. :)
Chef Medical DwarfCupcakes, delicious tasty cupcakes, cupcakes cupcakes cupcakes!
Popular dwarf in the fort dying? That sounds like Fun.
Oh, okay then. It'd be a shame if he suffered an unfortunate accident because he wanted slade crafts.Popular dwarf in the fort dying? That sounds like Fun.
It's ok he was only the mayor.
Dear Urist McRecruit
I have no idea what inspired you to fetch a barrel, carry it to the barracks, then realize the barrel isn't suppose to go there and take it back. It was odd the first time. The fifth time made me suddenly very, very happy that you'd been sent into the military, where your death will most likely be agonizingly terrible.
Your eventual sacrifice will, hopefully, be put to good use.
Your confused and bemused Overseer
Dear confused and bemused,
Ye gave us orders te carry food an' drink with us at all times but ye didnae give us wineskins te hold it with, so I had te improvise a wee bit. Hope ye like it!
Your Obdient,
-Urist McRecruit
Dear Urist McRecruit
There's a stack of 10 wineskins in the stockpile. Specifically. We traded a single =Gabbro Crown= for them. I remember it clearly. Noone else has taken any.
Why the barrel?
Still confused
Your overseer
Dear Urist McRecruit
There's a stack of 10 wineskins in the stockpile. Specifically. We traded a single =Gabbro Crown= for them. I remember it clearly. Noone else has taken any.
Why the barrel?
Still confused
Your overseer
Union strike!
Dear IceDear Overseer.
Thank you for killing me 6 dwarves in a row.
Edit: +2 drowned
Dear Urtist FuckingSuicide
Thank you for ruining positions and killing whole fortress. Next time don't run like an idiot into whole swarm of goblins, just stand still. You fucking owe me 20h of gameplay.
Dear Urtist McBuilder
Fortress could survive if you built the bridge faster.
Dear UristMcTrader,
You finally started trading.
That is good.
But why, OH WHY did you give away all of our gems for an anvil? I SAID DECLINE OFFER DAMMIT DECLINE.
Now please, let it stop here so we have a monument to memage that doesn't get wiped out of existence ::)You have to understand. eventually Armok will get bored of the meme either way and render it into non-existence, so we must celebrate it as much as we can in the present!!!
Dear wandering possessing spirit,There are multiple kinds of cloth: silk, yarn, and wool. Chances are he wants yarn or wool. Check his thoughts to see what he likes. Also, check what they have claimed already, and burrow access as well.
Did you have to choose one of my titled warriors to posses? Tut has been here since Wave 2, he's the High Gore and he's earned himself a name now - 'The Feral Direction of Devils'. I was quite fond of him. He looked set to go on and defend the Fortress very well, but no. You just roll right in and demand 'rocks, metal bars, and cloth.
Take a look around, moron, we have those! We've got like 60 reams of cloth, dozens of different metal bars and more rocks and stone tan you can shake a sodding stick at, what's your issue!?
Dear Cloth-dependant-artifact-makers,
SPECIFY THINE GOODS!
Yours Truly,
Overseer without silk.
~~~
Dear Spiders,
We need you.
P.S. Not you GCS. Nor you cats.
Signed,
Manager
Dear Grimmam.
Ye 'aint suppos't to ave mor e than a one beekeeper!
#Beekeepers 2, 3, 4 and 5
Who's the trader 'ere, you or me? It's me, by Armok. We kin always dig out more gems, but we canna' dig out anvils! If'n yer dinn't want the gems ta be traded, why'd yer tell us ta haul 'em to the trading post? And anyway, I like anvils.
Dear Orky_Boss,
I wanted to be relieved dammit! Not have to relive the whole damn thing all over again!
And screw his foot.
~Angry Militia Commander
Orky_Boss, your otherworldly leader, who is starting to thing about how long it would take to find magma and pump it into the fort.
Dear Dorfs,
I understand that the diamond-encrusted gold well is party central, but you're starving to death. And out of booze. And the halls are full of the rotting corpses of your slain brethren. So, not to be a nag, but could you maybe do some work?
((Can you point me to an explanation of how to mod generally-nonbutcherable things to be butcherable? Thanks...))
[ETHIC:EAT_SAPIENT_OTHER:UNTHINKABLE]
[ETHIC:EAT_SAPEINT_KILL:UNTHINKABLE
to [EAT_SAPIENT_OTHER:ACCEPTABLE]
[EAT_SAPIENT_KILL:ACCEPTABLE]
((Can you point me to an explanation of how to mod generally-nonbutcherable things to be butcherable? Thanks...))I use Runesmith, so I just paused the game, connected Runesmith to my current session, scrolled to the nut who was spamming my message box with 'can't pick my stuff up,' went to Flags, clicked the box next to 'slaughter,' clicked the Write Changes button, and laughed as my Broker dragged him off to the butchery.
To: Any and All Dwarves With Leg Injuries
From: The Management
Stop trying to feed injured or imprisoned dwarves. It would quite literally be more efficient to relocate the entire food stockpile to their cells than for you to carry it to them. The mayor's spouse being dead? Yeah guys, that's on you.
To: Urdim Istbarsodel Tatekolthez, Weaponsmith, Swordmaster and Wielder of Tustzalerib
From: The Management
Yes, I am keenly aware that, with a kill list larger than the next three largest in the fortress and a named sword, you are possibly the most deadly non-megabeast historical figure currently alive.
That doesn't mean you can spend an entire half-year "On Break". Get back to work and make me more godsdamned swords.
To: Duke Onul Itonottan
From: The Management
We now quite literally have enough splints that if every dwarf in the fortress were to break all four limbs at once, we'd have enough splints to set all of them.
STOP MANDATING THEIR CONSTRUCTION.
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...Naw, just break his limbs repeatedly to use up some of those extra splints.
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...
If I could afford to do that I already would have. However, he's otherwise one of the useful nobles, who actually acts as my manager, trader and record keeper, having Legendary skill in Appraising and Organising, and Adept skill in Bookkeeping.
Then it's a good thing those three train quickly then :P
The best part of the game is the forums. You get countless tales of hysteria, triumph, despair, and pure awesome completely contained within the game world. Then there's the !!science!! nuts, bringing much of the same joy by doing the exact opposite thing.Then it's a good thing those three train quickly then :P
I also want to keep him around because of this (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=98227.0).
The best part of the game is the forums. You get countless tales of hysteria, triumph, despair, and pure awesome completely contained within the game world. Then there's the !!science!! nuts, bringing much of the same joy by doing the exact opposite thing.Then it's a good thing those three train quickly then :P
I also want to keep him around because of this (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=98227.0).
To: Duke Onul Itonottan
From: The Management
We now quite literally have enough splints that if every dwarf in the fortress were to break all four limbs at once, we'd have enough splints to set all of them.
STOP MANDATING THEIR CONSTRUCTION.
Sounds like you need to send your Duke on an unplanned trip to the HFS...
To: Dastot Zaledkeskal, Dutchess,
You are a Legendary Weaponsmith. Once in a while you ask that we make some high boots, which our military appreciates, so thanks for that. You occasionally feel like banning exports of things we don't have or wouldn't want to get rid of anyway, like those high boots we just made. You happily haul stuff and clean up the fort. You are also not averse to dragging an armed, armored goblin to chuck it down the pit into the barracks for "military training exercises."
Please report to your luxuriously-appointed bedroom, complete with masterwork, gold furniture and enjoy your continued existence as the most laid-back, easygoing noble I have ever had in my multitude of forts. (And I've done my best to ensure that there are no oysters in your room, as you apparently detest them.)
I also notice you are an "Expert Comedian." That explains a lot.
Yrs
Bemused Overseer
Dear Urist McSurgeonWhat are you an elf? Washing someone with soap might be a delicate medical procedure (you must be careful of the beard) but arrow removal is so simple a child could -and will- do it themselves when they go to wash the blood off their clothes.
I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty. (true story and only injury from the entire siege)
Yrs
Not-amused Overseer
Dear Urist McSurgeonWhat are you an elf? Washing someone with soap might be a delicate medical procedure (you must be careful of the beard) but arrow removal is so simple a child could -and will- do it themselves when they go to wash the blood off their clothes.
I know you still think that meme is funny, but that is no excuse for not removing the *silver arrow* from that Speardwarf's upper leg before sending him back on duty. (true story and only injury from the entire siege)
Yrs
Not-amused Overseer
*Posted outside Rough Dolomite Bridge*Did you just sig yourself?
All incoming Migrants,
Please report to the chamber down the stairs on your left for "processing."
Management
Yes. yes i did...*Posted outside Rough Dolomite Bridge*Did you just sig yourself?
All incoming Migrants,
Please report to the chamber down the stairs on your left for "processing."
Management
You know those fancy restraunts where they serve really tiny portions...?
You know those fancy restraunts where they serve really tiny portions...?
Dear Snodub Creaturedemons, Goblin bat rider
Please stop sulking in the corner of the map and order your squad to attack already. Look, we even lowered our drawbridge. You yourself could just fly over the walls! Do something, anything! You're making everyone paranoid.
With silver arrows,
Overlord Viila
PS. Don't think I don't know it was you who possessed Urist McGemCutter to build a gemstone coffin decorated with images of the coffin itself in more gemstone, not even 1 minute after your death... No. You will not be buried in it. You. were. not. that. important. ::)
Dear UristMcMiner.
You useless bastard. You were assigned with killing the crystal FB who just came in, and you ran the moment you saw it. Nevermind, a useless wax worker just punched it in half.
Dear Baron,
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.
-Zietgiest of Drillmines.
Dear Urist McLeverpuller,
I know it's hard to resist the call of that sweet, sweet +Dwarven Beer Stew+, even for a moment.
But I urge you to please, please consider the following: Unless you pull that lever over there by the dining hall entrance right now, the horde of Goblin spearmen currently standing on the bridge over a 10 z-level drop will cross the bridge, merrily waltz into the fortress proper and murder everyone you know, including yourself and your little cat, too.
Dear Urist McNoble:
A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!
Dear Urist McAxdorf,
I know it's kind of a bore to just stand around, defending a burrow no-one is currently attacking. But I assure you: they will come, in their good time. You will get your chance at glory and severed motor nerves eventually. Please don't throw away your life by trying to solo 30+ goblins in the meantime. Think of your family. Think of your poor, orphaned Cavy pup. Choose life!
-Signed, 'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer
Dear Baron,Dear Baron,
Everything in your chambers is masterwork, made of the finest steel we make, a material you tell me you have a great fondness for. In your dining room is a marble statue, commemorating your elevation. Why then, do you constantly complain that you have been offended by an inferior dwarf's fine accommodations? I assure you, you are mistaken, as all common dwarves have basic quality beds, a wooden cabinet, and a wooden chest for their belongings. As the mayor's quarters are furnished with brass, accented with green glass, no dwarf in this fortress has a finer dwelling than you.
-Zietgiest of Drillmines.
Dear Zeitgeist:
The mayor's room is still too shiny! How dare he think he is good enough for brass?
The arrogance of some dwarves, I tell you...
- Baron of Drillmines
To Dracon Butcher #2Best. Butcher. EVER!
Nobody is telling you how to do your job, or telling you not to use the advantages I have modded you to have.
But I told you to butcher a donkey. You ran out the front gate and with one swipe of your claw relieved a Cavy of it's right front leg then ran back into the fortress to get a drink leaving it to bleed to death. Eventually butcher #1 went and fetched the dumb ass from the other side of the lake.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- The Administration
Dear Urist McNoble:
A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!
To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed
I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over. Is that so wrong for one of my stature?
Sincerely;
Urist McNoble
Dear Urist McNoble:
A green glass bed in your bedroom? Really? I'm sure, with all due respect, that m'lord is well aware of the fact that, short of an astronomically unlikely bout of mad genius by one of the more eccentric craftsdwarves, there is no way whatsoever to make a glass bed?!
To: Overseer Sus
Re: The Green Glass Bed
I wanna see my own naked reflection whenever I turn over. Is that so wrong for one of my stature?
Sincerely;
Urist McNoble
Scribbled on this wall is a message from 'Sus' Palmedface. It is decorated with hanging rings of literary references and menacing with spikes of sarcasm.
"Sir,
Thank you for evoking that particular mental image.
I'll be sure to get right to work on your fancy impossible bed of self-voyeurism. In the meantime, you can admire this masterful Wall I had built just for you, where the door out of your quarters used to be. I had it made out of cat soap because I know how much you love cats. I trust you will find it is quite unsurpassable. While we useful dwarves labor towards your new... resting place, feel free to partake in the fine -<<-Prickle Berry Wine Casque->>- I left in your dining room.
Your Humblest Servant,
'Sus' Palmedface, Fortress Overseer
P.S. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.
P.P.S. On second thought, holding your breath just might be prudent right now..."
</in character>
Note to Self: Do not read this forum at the office while waiting for the work-related stuff to load. It's kind of hard to look all focused and professional while also trying not to laugh so hard it brings trears to your eyes... :D
To: The Hill Titan Apasi Ragoars, The Skin of BirdsDear Overseer,
Sit still, you stupid oversized turtle! My magma defenses may aim in all four cardinal directions, but it takes time to switch the levers! I won't rest till I have Boiled Titan Turtle Soup in my dinnerbowl, goddammit!
Sincerely; The Overseer of Hamebalanced
Dear Urist the Builder,
I see you've trapped yourself on top of a wall/ledge/insode a walled-off section of the map for the 100th time. Congratulations. This has to be some kind of record in stupidity.
Unfortunately, I'm not going to bother about saving you from your own idiocy yet again, so you can rot there for all eternity for all I care.
-Your Somewhat Annoyed Overseer
Dear dwarves of my fortress:When I had this happen they seemed to wait for the 1st of the month, then all ran to grab whatever barrels were available. Its like they were waiting for payday to get hammered at the bar or something.
Please stop dying of dehydration when there's at least 40 units of booze freshly made. It is incredibly annoying and does not accomplish anything. Yes yes, I know hauling is fun, but don't you think staying alive is more important?
Dear Urist Mc Forummod, god damn I just finished making THIS when the porn threads were deleted.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.
In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.
Dear Urist Mc Forummod, god damn I just finished making THIS when the porn threads were deleted.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh well, I guess. It's not like it took that much effort, or was even that funny to begin with.
Dear Urist McAyAgree and others:
I know you've never seen a breast before in your life, but that's no excuse for posting in and bumping the hell out of, a spam thread. It only encourages the spam.
Sencerely,
A very annoyed dwarven king.
Another year continues to prove you wrong. The worst that happened in my non-LP fortress Boatmurdered (chose the name myself for irony's sake) was a single death, and that was because of a goblin ambush. The worst injury besides that was a missing third finger, left hand.In all seriousness, my dwarves are geniuses. In my past five forts I've never had one bit of Dwarven Ingenuity, not even someone walling themselves in on accident. I've never had a cave-in, never had someone starve or dry out in a fort with adequate supplies, never had a death from infection in a soap-water-and-bucket-ed fort, nothing. Either I'm lucky or I haven't made a fort scaled up enough to invite the really bad shit yet.
Aaaaaaand here comes Urist McMurphy to beat you with his book of laws.
Aaaaaaand here comes Urist McMurphy to beat you with his book of laws.Urist McMurphy, Law Giver. That guy's right up there with Armok.
To all builders,Dear Overseer Sir! Or Madam, whichever as it were,
HOW HARD IS IT TO BUILD IN FRONT OF YOU AND NOT TRAP YOURSELF ON A SODDING LEDGE!?
Grievously,
The Overseer
Dear humans of "The Blotted Union",
You came to our land, trampled two woodcutters, and have since milled around in a corner of our plot for the last five months.
Our doors are wide open. We've had dwarves come out to collect wood just on the other side of the valley and come back unharmed. All you've been doing is sitting around the fire and flipping any passing dwarves the cave swallow.
This is not a siege. This is just angry camping.
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator,But they might be Fire Snakes in disguise, or vampires! <|:-S
I know you were a little disappointed by the goblin siege that got entirely caught on weapon traps, but 'Fire at Will' does not mean 'Fire upon dwarves collecting goblin equipment from corpses'. Stop that shit.
Dear Dorfs,But me eyes! Me eyes say the goblins can swim!
Running away from mace goblins, on the other side of the magma moat, instead of shooting them with your siege weapons is stupid, you are stupid. You deserve to die you miserable cowards.
With lots of love,
Your dark overlord.
Dear Sigun Asmellurit,
I'm sure your tickled with the artifact crutch you just made, but did you REALLY need to name it Sigun Asmellurit?
How conceited can you be?!
Flabbergasted-ly yours,
God
Dear miners,
I get it, you're finding a lot of damp stone. There's a reason for this, if you may recall the floor above you temporarily flooded when the lakes you were digging through suddenly thawed for spring. You are not about to dig into an aquifer, nor are you suddenly going to tap the river. Please, quit your whining!
[DIG_CANCEL_WARM:A_D:D_D:P:R]
[DIG_CANCEL_DAMP:A_D:D_D:P:R]
and remove the last two letters in both of these lines (P and R respectively)Dear Urist McNewGuyNo, no, no!
I know you came to my fort to make a name for yourself. To become somebody, to be the BEST! But how in your long life have you fail to become anything more than just a novice Wood-Burner. I mean come on man give me something to work with.
Lovingly yours
A Friend
Boatmurdered, F*CK YEAH!Dear Urist McNewGuyNo, no, no!
I know you came to my fort to make a name for yourself. To become somebody, to be the BEST! But how in your long life have you fail to become anything more than just a novice Wood-Burner. I mean come on man give me something to work with.
Lovingly yours
A Friend
"Dear Mountainhomes,
Give me your peasants, your novice soap makers,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming halls.
Send these, the fish dissectors, the clerks to me,
I'll tell them to shut up, dorf up and start hauling rocks!"
- 'Sus' Plagiatedarts, "the New Masterwork Statue of a Bronze Colossus"
Dear UristMcStupidWoodcutter
Please, stop idling in an unsecured part of hell. Seriously. There are no trees down there. You're just being really stupid. When a demon inevitably strolls along and ridiculously murders you, we will not even attempt to retrieve your body.
Sincerely, your annoyed overseer.
hello. urist mcengraver
I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.
hello. urist mcengraver
I don't like that your filling the children's rooms with pictures of rotting corpses being decapitated by giant dragons. they're kids they don't need to see that kind of stuff.
Well, they are dwarves...
Dear Urist McOnfire
You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.
Sincerely
The OVerseer
Dear Urist McOnfirethis made my day.
You are on fire.
Please take note of this fact.
Sincerely
The Overseer
Dear Urist McMason,QFT. Very aggravating when happens to me.
Thank you have having the intelligence to ALWAYS contruct and remove walls/floors in such a way that either traps you, or causes you to fall 10 z-levels to your death.
Signed,
Me
Dear zeitgiest of drillmines,
Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:
A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.
You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.
Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.
Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.
Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines
...Yes. Yes, that's exactly it.Dear zeitgiest of drillmines,
Having at one point in my life, long before I was raised to my most deserved position among the nobility, been a common dwarf like yourself, I have had ample opportunity to observe these so called "unfortunate accidents" that you and others like yourself so euphamistically referr to. I have taken upon myself to never pull any strange lever in any room that has any of the following characteristics, no matter how lavishly furnished:
A mysterious sulfury smell.
Uncharacteristically warm in temperature.
Freshly carved or laid stonework, especially if it looks out of place.
A faint but lingering odor of charred flesh, blood, or vicera.
A mysterious cloying dampness.
A faint smell of mildew.
Is very distant from my bedroom or the food stockpile.
You will not be tricking me into releasing a hellish hoarde of shriveled crundles into the room with me, or into inadvertantly drowning myself, or into performing an unfortunate smelting accident.
Now kindly get to work making me a crystal glass bed and a slade armor stand to go with the crystal glass window I wanted. I intend to host some important guests soon, and I can't stand that they might discuss that wretched mayor's brass armoire instead of my far more appropriate and sublime furishings.
Perhaps the mayor would be interested in pulling that lever? He's not terribly important anyway, you petty rabble will just elect another to replace him, like always.
Luxuriously yours,
Baron of drillmines
Your highness,
Actually, that lever controls the magma floodgates that will allow us to power our magma glass furnaces. Also everything else that runs on magma.
So kindly pull it, before the latest moody dwarf goes berserk for lack of precious metals. 'Cause if he does, we're putting him in your room while you sleep.
Sincerely,
The Peasants of Drillmines
dear Urist mcpesant:
please don't haul the clown corpse up the stairs. it's made of fire.
sincerely: Jaxler
I will ask you, however, to please refrain from throwing body parts that you're on your way to bury. While I am highly amused that the corpse piece landed neatly on top of the coffin it was intended for, the fact that you threw it meant that it was instantly forbidden.
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion
How the hell do you guys keep causing cave-ins? You sodding idiots are channeling down into solid ground, so that shouldn't happen!Designate only one z-level to channel at once.
That's what I've been doing, hence my confusion
What happens is that theStrange. I never had any "mini-cavein". Always (at least for me) dorf that dig under his feet lands unharmed and stunned for a while and thats it.idiotsloveable dorfs channel out every tile but the one they're standing on, leaving them on a little island. They either then sit there with their thumbs up their asses or decide to be proactive, and by that I mean channeling out the rock under their feet. Sometimes they're lucky and just take a little roll. Other times, this causes a mini-cave-in and a dwarf that essentially committed suicide by digging himself a hole.
Dear UristMcPeon,
I know everybody enjoys a good fist fight every now and then. However, I would posit that picking a fight with the Sheriff/Militia Captain and his +iron battle axe+ may not have been a winning move. In fact, it seems to have been a fast track to a closed-casket funeral.
Idiot.
P.S. Sheriff Dredd, you are familiar with the concept of non-lethal measures, yes? Might consider employing them one of these days.
-mgmt.
(On second thought, nicknaming my Sheriff "Dredd" may not have been the best idea... :/ )
Mind, you went from 34 kobolds to 13, losing one to insanity as well
Dear MigrantMcVampire
You are a vampire. I know this. You haven't been able to breathe for over a month and you can't take a nickname. You are a vampire, we are not falling for it, please go away.
Sincerely, ghost of your overseer.
I also see how losing your left lower arm, a toe, a tooth, and getting your nose broken might give you some bad thoughts, but I would think that didn't quite count as "sustaining minor injuries lately," as you claim.I had a miner a while back who had both hands, left lower arm and left ear torn off by an alligator. He was still "quite content", and apparently fully convinced he was still able to mine, as he kept spamming "Cancels pickup equipment: too injured" messages.
Since you seem to look on the bright side, you do seem to have "had a nice bath recently," which other dwarves would have called "getting their stump rot cleaned."
You need to sheath that sword and use your good hand to start dragging people inside. I don't care if you are happy enough with just enough left arm to strap a shield to, Urist McLieutenantDan out in the field can't just 'walk it off'.
I also see how losing your left lower arm, a toe, a tooth, and getting your nose broken might give you some bad thoughts, but I would think that didn't quite count as "sustaining minor injuries lately," as you claim.I had a miner a while back who had both hands, left lower arm and left ear torn off by an alligator. He was still "quite content", and apparently fully convinced he was still able to mine, as he kept spamming "Cancels pickup equipment: too injured" messages.
Since you seem to look on the bright side, you do seem to have "had a nice bath recently," which other dwarves would have called "getting their stump rot cleaned."
You need to sheath that sword and use your good hand to start dragging people inside. I don't care if you are happy enough with just enough left arm to strap a shield to, Urist McLieutenantDan out in the field can't just 'walk it off'.
Dear Urist Mcundead;
STAY DOWN!
Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
That is far more awesome than any method of weaponising vampires! Using them as a broker who actually shows up to trade! :D
oh, no, you dump the occasional immigrant child into his room to feed him, then once traders turn up, put him in the trade depot opposite his room, (making sure all of the goods have arrived before him) then trade ASAP, once traded, burrow him into his room, then simply rinse and repeat.Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
That is far more awesome than any method of weaponising vampires! Using them as a broker who actually shows up to trade! :D
so, what happens when he kills your 3 legendary workers and your legendary ax lord...
oh, no, you dump the occasional immigrant child into his room to feed him, then once traders turn up, put him in the trade depot opposite his room, (making sure all of the goods have arrived before him) then trade ASAP, once traded, burrow him into his room, then simply rinse and repeat.Dear Urist McVampire:
I found you, and I locked you in a room to die. Not only have you managed to engrave the entire room, I have also noticed that you never get hungry, thirsty, or sleepy. Congratulations! You're the new broker!
That is far more awesome than any method of weaponising vampires! Using them as a broker who actually shows up to trade! :D
so, what happens when he kills your 3 legendary workers and your legendary ax lord...
that's cruel. armok bless your soul
Dear Urist McMigrants,
This is not a daycare. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Overseer
We're all left together in a large room for most of the year with nothing to do. What did you think would happen?Oh no, I don't mean you guys--I'll get to you constant procreators next.
Sincerely
Urist Mc-
Urist McMigrant cancels reply: Participating in Dining Hall Orgy
Dear Elite Marksdwarves
Those artifact crossbows are a mark of my respect for your skill, and Urist McWeaponsmith assures me that they are the most accurate ranged weapons in the fortress. However, they are very light (made of wood and/or adamantine) and precision instruments, so could you PLEASE STOP BEATING KOBOLDS OVER THE HEAD WITH THEM, it's not very effective. Okay, so Solon McMarksdwarf managed to kill one but that was only after it had been brought down by a passing hunter who actually knows how to use a crossbow.
Regards,
The Management.
dear migrants
WHY ARE YOU ALL FUCKING FISH CLEANERS. THIS FORT IS IN A FUCKING DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
sincerely
overseer.
dear migrants
WHY ARE YOU ALL FUCKING FISH CLEANERS. THIS FORT IS IN A FUCKING DESERT!!!!!!!!!!!!
sincerely
overseer.
We like a challenge.
Sincerely;
The Fishcleaners Guild, Local #12.
but why are half of you vampires?
Sincerely;
overseer
but why are half of you vampires?
Sincerely;
overseer
See previous answer.
Sincerely;
The vampires hiding amongst the members of The Fishcleaners Guild, Local #12
Spoiler'd because it's long.Hilarious, but reporting this bug may be quite useful (it will be fixed as new one) - http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/my_view_page.phpSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Urist McLegendaryCarpenter,
Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.
Sincerely,
Your Overlord
Spoiler'd because it's long.Hilarious, but reporting this bug may be quite useful (it will be fixed as new one) - http://www.bay12games.com/dwarves/mantisbt/my_view_page.phpSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Urist "Mythpuncher" Mcmayor-captain.
Your leg was ripped off by a were-camel. You went only faint and stood without any walking aid. You've punched three people, including a vampire, to death.
How do you manage to be this awesome?
Dear Elven Merchants.
For the last -5- years I have slaughtered your trade caravans, stolen your crap, and impaled the skulls of your predecessors into rows of spikes outside my fortress. Grow a set of balls and fight back already you pack of whiny emo pussies. Slaughtering your population one caravan at a time is too slow. I want more elf-skull-spike decorations damnit.
- Cog McBonecarver
Dear nobles of Oiledreigned,
Mayor: Good job on outlawing the export of giant leopard leather items. The single giant leapord leather item in this fortres is an article of your clothing. You can keep it.
Count: We won't export aluminum items. Unfortunately, we can't make aluminum items. Because there is no aluminum in this fortress. Or anywhere. Ever. As far as I can tell, anyway. How can you even enjoy something that you have never known to actually exist? I imagine the ribs of the Plutonian dinnerbeast are delicious, but I don't very well go demanding it, because it does not exist.
If your predecessor hadn't demanded wood crossbows, which i gave to the guards, you would have been drowned by now.
Re: More BarrelsDear Urist McLegendaryCarpenter,
Even though your wife is the baroness, that doesn't mean that you get to laze about all the time too. I need those goddamned barrels, and I need them now.
Sincerely,
Your Overlord
well, maybe you could slow down the plump helmet production or get the stone crafter to make some pots.
Sincerely.
Urist McLegendaryCarpenter
Dear Urist McWorkshopbuilder No.2,
All your colleagues drag those one or two stones blocking the area out of the way and finish the job. I've seen you do it before. Why not this time? I need that forge, mister!
sincerely,
The Caretaker
Dear Elven warriors,
Please stop complaining about the weather. This is a rainy tropical swamp. It's always raining.
If you don't stop complaining, you're going to get permanent patrol duty.
Sincerely,
your druid.
Dear Militia,
If you're going to complain about long patrol duty, PLEASE stop complaining when I take you off duty for the month. Quit your bitching or I'll assign you to permanent patrol duty.
Sincerely, frustrated overlord.
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
try lava
sincerely,
armork
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
try lava
sincerely,
armork
Dear elves of ForestSteel
Please stop going on break. Seriously. It's getting old.
Sincerely,
Your increasingly frustrated druid.
try lava
sincerely,
armork
Nope it'sSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Yours truly
Necro
I wouldn't correct Armok if I where you. also try the Dwarven Water Reactor for all your power needs.
Armok
I wouldn't correct Armok if I where you. also try the Dwarven Water Reactor for all your power needs.
Armok
Don't worry it was just Armork
Dear Urist McPossessed,
I'd love you to please kindly tell the force that possesses you that we have no ore other that magnetite and no clay, or I will certainly have to wall you in that forge you claimed so no one will be harmed physically or morally after the force will run out of patience.
Dear Unpronounceable,Dear Urist McPossessed,
I'd love you to please kindly tell the force that possesses you that we have no ore other that magnetite and no clay, or I will certainly have to wall you in that forge you claimed so no one will be harmed physically or morally after the force will run out of patience.
Trade for what I need so I may craft the item that will bear me into this world
Sincerely;
Hggrahfgsfghsghsvffsawwfasshjyjj, The Unpronounceable (Currently inhabiting the body of one Urist McPossessed).
Dear Ms Uristine McVampire,Why dont you just assign him to a random burrow?
-snip-
*a concerned citizen of the Grim Casket-Keeper
Dear Craftsdwarves
I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.
-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer
PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.
Dear Craftsdwarves
I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.
-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer
PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.
Dear Overseer;
We are most certainly not sharing a copy of PlayDwarf amongst ourselves.
We're hiding all our lewd imagry in the engravings covering every surface of the fort. Try not to look to closely in the background of the images of every important event of the fort.
Sincerely;
The Craftsdwarves
Dear Craftsdwarves
I know you have it. You can't deny it. One of you has managed to smuggle an issue of Playdwarf into the fortress, where pornography is strictly forbidden. I know this because you all seem unreasonably happy, inspired one after the other into a fey mood to make thongs. If you make one more artifact thong, we shall become the laughingstock of the Spades of Reason.
-- Sincerely, Your all-seeing Overseer
PS They Mayor wants one for a hot date by the microline well.
(I just had the largest siege I've ever seen, consisting of 290 dwarves against my elven fort)
Dear UristMcSiegers
You guys are pathetic. You're less dwarfy then my ELVES are.
You know that last siege? One of our recruits lost an arm and another lost a finger. That's all. Is that really all you've got? Our ten legendary sword elves got ten kills each.
On the bright side of things, you guys did re-paint the entrance to our fortress in red. Much thanks for that.
I will give credit where it's due, however. The recruit who lost his arm fainted due to pain on a weapon trap containing 10 masterwork adamantine serrated discs, so not all the blood is yours.
Sencerely,
your Elven enemies.
P.S. Your pieces also supplied enough meat for over two years. See you next year.
To my most esteemed business partners,
Thank you for your services. I hope that our adventuring contract will bring us much prosperity. But would you be so kind as to take a hint, and be stealthy when I sneak? Sneaking up on the beast in it's lair is most difficult when you charge it on sight, blowing my cover.
-Urist McAdventurer
To my most esteemed business partners,
Thank you for your services. I hope that our adventuring contract will bring us much prosperity. But would you be so kind as to take a hint, and be stealthy when I sneak? Sneaking up on the beast in it's lair is most difficult when you charge it on sight, blowing my cover.
-Urist McAdventurer
WHAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP A BIT? We can't hear you, Urist.
Huh, that group of goblins seem to be coming towards us. Wonder what caught their attention?...
Dear Urist McFortressOverseer
I AM IN YOUR BASE!
I AM EATING YOUR DWARVENS!
Signed;
- Urist McVampire
Dear Caverns,
Where are you? I've dug down 41 z-levels so far and haven't found anything. I'm kinda on a glacier and therefore some cavern wood would be nice.
Dear Mountainhomes,
Really, 80 "dabbling" farmers (with children) are enough. Please send somebody with a usefull skill for a change, preferably a miner.
Please?
Pretty please with sugar on top?
Your Humble Servant,
Sus, (despairing)FortressDabbling Farmer Refugee Camp Overseer
Oh, hello there Elan (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0090.html).To my most esteemed business partners,
Thank you for your services. I hope that our adventuring contract will bring us much prosperity. But would you be so kind as to take a hint, and be stealthy when I sneak? Sneaking up on the beast in it's lair is most difficult when you charge it on sight, blowing my cover.
-Urist McAdventurer
WHAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP A BIT? We can't hear you, Urist.
Huh, that group of goblins seem to be coming towards us. Wonder what caught their attention?...
Dear Super Heroes
I know you all feel invincible with your powers, like nothing else can defeat you, but you sure as hell do a good job of defeating yourselves. I'm talking to you, McFireblaster, that wagon had all the supplies in it. Yes, I'm sure the camel was very evil but did you have to destroy all our supplies? You also hit our farmer and our miner (who has super speed), and I'm not sure they'll make it. From now on, no powers, just weapons, okay?
-Your eternally bemused overseer
Dear Stozu Zolakezru, Engraver,
Why are you named after a goblin?
Signed,
Your Overlord
Dear residents of Crystal Caverns:Go into military and set your soldiers to stop carrying food. The system is bugged all to hell and they leave food in their room to rot and since it's owned nobody will touch it.
I understand you like running around nude and throwing clothes all over the place in bedrooms. That's somewhat normal behavior I hear.
But for the love of Armok, please PLEASE stop hoarding food in your rooms. There are multiple designated food piles and a designated eating area. There is no reason whatsoever to carry it back to your room and leave it on the floor! You are not children!
Sincerely,
Overseer Hanadra
Dear Dwarves of Sungear, the Fortress of Light. I know that, due to the massive stockpiles of food, and the fact we live on a husk infested volcanic glacier, there isn't much actual work to be done, despite our numbers only being in the low 30's. But please stop making babies. 12 of our 32 dwarves are either babies or children. They are becoming a strain on my patience.
Dear Ner Lemismebzuth, Forest Titan.
I deeply apologize for what I did. Just because you were made of coke did not justify me dripping magma on you. I should have saved you for the Arena. Our three forgotten beasts would have had a great deal of fun with you.
Dear Werechamelon,
You appeared on MY glacier, declaring that I would soon know why I fear the night, and then you had your arms ripped off by a husk without landing a single attack on him. Pathetic.
Dear blind cave crocodile FB,
Please chase the delicious fat farmer into that tunnel, never mind the floodgates. And don't let those abominable undead crundles follow you.
Dear Telkontar, Marksdwarf,
Apologies for that. The good news is that, as a zombie, magma cannot kill you. Have fun burning for all eternity at the bottom of the magma sea with the other 50 zombies I've dumped in.[/color]
Dear Dwarves of Sungear, the Fortress of Light. I know that, due to the massive stockpiles of food, and the fact we live on a husk infested volcanic glacier, there isn't much actual work to be done, despite our numbers only being in the low 30's. But please stop making babies. 12 of our 32 dwarves are either babies or children. They are becoming a strain on my patience.
Dear Ner Lemismebzuth, Forest Titan.
I deeply apologize for what I did. Just because you were made of coke did not justify me dripping magma on you. I should have saved you for the Arena. Our three forgotten beasts would have had a great deal of fun with you.
Dear Werechamelon,
You appeared on MY glacier, declaring that I would soon know why I fear the night, and then you had your arms ripped off by a husk without landing a single attack on him. Pathetic.
Dear blind cave crocodile FB,
Please chase the delicious fat farmer into that tunnel, never mind the floodgates. And don't let those abominable undead crundles follow you.
Dear Telkontar, Marksdwarf,
Apologies for that. The good news is that, as a zombie, magma cannot kill you. Have fun burning for all eternity at the bottom of the magma sea with the other 50 zombies I've dumped in.[/color]
Dear Schizotek,
1) Where did those come from? Did some dust get underground?
2) WTF Seriously!!?? Husks are immune to MAGMA!!??
Clearly they need better sneaking boots (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0766.html).WHAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP A BIT? We can't hear you, Urist.Oh, hello there Elan (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0090.html).
Huh, that group of goblins seem to be coming towards us. Wonder what caught their attention?...
Dear Urist:
For the love of armok, STOP NAMING THEM! You know we can't eat them if they have names. You're supposed to be a butcher, for Armok's sake, so every time I send you to go kill some lamb for dinners, I expect you to slaughter it, not gain another pet. I want leg of lamb. >:(
dear mining squad,
I realise that lava is dangerous, I know a sign of lava is warm rock, but I also happen to have some rather accurate knowledge about the exact location of aforementioned lava: BELOW the area you are digging out, not next to it. stop shouting about warm rock, and DO YOUR JOBS!!!
signed,
your somewhat displeased ruler.
Urist, i know you've been doing this stupidly for as long as Dwarf Fortress existed, but please, oh please, when i decide to close completely a room, ordering you to build a wall, stop putting the last piece of wall while you're inside that room.Same thing happened, but it was a miner digging a moat. He was grabbed by a giant carp.
That's extremely annoying, so just stop.
Urist, i know you've been doing this stupidly for as long as Dwarf Fortress existed, but please, oh please, when i decide to close completely a room, ordering you to build a wall, stop putting the last piece of wall while you're inside that room.Or build the entire wall in no order whatsoever (just like your digging) and SOMEHOW box yourself out of doing the corners every single time without fail. Stop working so hard to not work. You are DWARVES!
That's extremely annoying, so just stop.
Dear cat of Healeddike,
Stop dancing around these pastured dogs in fort entrance. It is going decidedly for too long. You are not even pastured! Kill this rat infestation, NOW.
Yours, Armok.
Dear cat of Healeddike,
Stop dancing around these pastured dogs in fort entrance. It is going decidedly for too long. You are not even pastured! Kill this rat infestation, NOW.
Yours, Armok.
"Mew. MEW mreow mew mew meeeew. Mrow Mrew Mrrrowl. Rrrrrrrrr."
(translated)
Dear slave, cats obey no master we do as we want. We want a scratch behind the ears now. Make it so.
Dear cat of Healeddike,
Stop dancing around these pastured dogs in fort entrance. It is going decidedly for too long. You are not even pastured! Kill this rat infestation, NOW.
Yours, Armok.
"Mew. MEW mreow mew mew meeeew. Mrow Mrew Mrrrowl. Rrrrrrrrr."
(translated)
Dear slave, cats obey no master we do as we want. We want a scratch behind the ears now. Make it so.
Your dwarfs then are siege apron, by cute cuddly kittens of doom
Dear Dorf,
How the hell did you lose a right leg while farming?
Sincerely,
Your god.
Why do you insist on going into battle bare handed when we have two perfectly useable copper battle axes for you to choose from?Probably reserved for woodcutters. If your two woodcutters are also axedwarves, sometimes game boinks and require in total 4 separate axes to work properly as expected - and this is not counting other possible bugs in retrieving weapon code.
Dear Urist McFormerCarpenterNowMiner,
First, Congrats on the promotion. Second, consider changing your name to Urist Mcminer. Finally, good job at escaping magma not once but twice while trying to de-magma the aquifer staircase. Oh, and I think you're now a better miner than Urist McMissingAshes ever was.
Sincerely,
GreatWyrmGold, Overseer.
Dear all Urists,
Good job, y'all. Keep up the good work. Soon we'll pierce the aquifer and continue to stone and wealth! Our magma glass furnace is almost up and running, so yippee there, too. Keep up the good work and don't fall into the volcano.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Urist McRabbit
Please
Stop
Breeding
Dear Urist McRabbit
Please
Stop
Breeding
As cruel as it sounds, kill off one or two of the children. It will make him/her unhappy, so be able to station a squad near him to "comfort" him if he does anything stupid. But unhappy dwarves may not breed as much (science needs done on this) and if that doesn't work, test your new drowning chamber you haven't built yet on him.
Dear Urist McRabbit
Please
Stop
Breeding
As cruel as it sounds, kill off one or two of the children. It will make him/her unhappy, so be able to station a squad near him to "comfort" him if he does anything stupid. But unhappy dwarves may not breed as much (science needs done on this) and if that doesn't work, test your new drowning chamber you haven't built yet on him.
But it's a rabbit
...but the foreman said we'd have to cut some corners to get this thing built on schedule.Urist, i know you've been doing this stupidly for as long as Dwarf Fortress existed, but please, oh please, when i decide to close completely a room, ordering you to build a wall, stop putting the last piece of wall while you're inside that room.Or build the entire wall in no order whatsoever (just like your digging) and SOMEHOW box yourself out of doing the corners every single time without fail. Stop working so hard to not work. You are DWARVES!
That's extremely annoying, so just stop.
Dear Urist McVampire,
I love you so dearly. The way you leave corpses lying around the fortress all drained of blood is just so adorable. You've been with me since the first migrant wave and you've been my faithful mayor, broker, and sole defender since then, somehow coming up on top of every berserk miner and goblin seige, no matter how many other people died, and I look forward to many centuries to come.
But damnit, why can't you be happy with your office?! The chair is made of gold, every surface is engraved, the room is filled to the brim with statues, and yet it still doesn't fit your requirements and it makes you unhappy enough to tantrum over it...
Also, can't you mandate anything but anvils? I'm running out of metal here...
Sincerely, Sick Vampire Sympathising Overseer
Dear Urist McVampire,
I love you so dearly. The way you leave corpses lying around the fortress all drained of blood is just so adorable. You've been with me since the first migrant wave and you've been my faithful mayor, broker, and sole defender since then, somehow coming up on top of every berserk miner and goblin seige, no matter how many other people died, and I look forward to many centuries to come.
But damnit, why can't you be happy with your office?! The chair is made of gold, every surface is engraved, the room is filled to the brim with statues, and yet it still doesn't fit your requirements and it makes you unhappy enough to tantrum over it...
Also, can't you mandate anything but anvils? I'm running out of metal here...
Sincerely, Sick Vampire Sympathising Overseer
Dear Urist McKillBane-Elite-Wrestler
You've been strangling that poor groundhog for 8 pages now. Please stop, I think you're enjoying this a little too much. There are other things to kill, you don't have to spend so much time on the groundhog.
Signed,
Supreme Overlord Agiller
You can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
You can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
You can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
So Toady fixed the number of bars objects need to make, but not the number they produce when melted?
number they produce when melted was correctYou can just melt the anvil and forge it anew. They don't realize.But you only get one bar back. You're going to need more metal sooner or later.
So Toady fixed the number of bars objects need to make, but not the number they produce when melted?
Correct. *grumbles loudly*
Dear Dakost Mobenzung
Remember when we sealed the gates of hell with that drawbridge? The one which unfortunately had to be linked to a lever to work? Well, this is why I say unfortunately. I don't care how upset you were about your kittens being eaten by a steel brute, no tantrum-inducing grief justifies pulling that lever again and lowering the bridge. Fortunately the demons were stupid enough to wander under the magma piston, but because of your actions I have no choice but to lock you in solitary confinement where you can do no more harm to yourself or others. I even built the walls out of soft soap blocks to prevent self-inflicted injury. I hope that in your solitude you can reflect on this for the rest of your life.
Signed, the Overseer
Dear Dakost Mobenzung
Remember when we sealed the gates of hell with that drawbridge? The one which unfortunately had to be linked to a lever to work? Well, this is why I say unfortunately. I don't care how upset you were about your kittens being eaten by a steel brute, no tantrum-inducing grief justifies pulling that lever again and lowering the bridge. Fortunately the demons were stupid enough to wander under the magma piston, but because of your actions I have no choice but to lock you in solitary confinement where you can do no more harm to yourself or others. I even built the walls out of soft soap blocks to prevent self-inflicted injury. I hope that in your solitude you can reflect on this for the rest of your life.
Signed, the Overseer
Dear overseer:
Without my adorable kittens, life just isn't worth living! I tried to get consolation from my fellow dwarves, but your draconian, sweatshop labor policies make interpersonal friendships impossible! I had no choice but to end it all! You act like I didn't know what I was doing! All those uncaring, plump helmet eating, KITTEN KILLING bastards were all going to die with me, and I would have had the satisfaction of having been the one to pull the lever... but NOOOOO.. you had to send somebody in to stop me.... and now.... [explosive bout of sobbing tears] you have locked my in a KITTEN SOAP BAR PRISON!
I hate you, do you understand!? I hate all of you!!! (Unintelligable shrieking)
Dear Stone Detailing Squad,Dear Overseer,
Thank you for engraving our fort with military victories, however I would prefer it if instead of engraving the times that Elves and Humans have slaughtered dwarves and megabeasts, why not engrave images of our victories.
Welcome to the army, Overseer
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,Looks like "Red Shirt NPC" is not the career choice for you.
I appreciate you being the only person in town crazy enough to venture into the wilderness with me, even though I was just heading to the nearest fortress to get a full party of soldiers accompanying us. Too bad the fortress was filled with Hippos instead. I tried to redirect us to the nearest other town instead, but you insisted on chasing after every animal along the way throwing us way off course, and as I ran to keep up with you I didn't even get a single kill. Then Night fell and every boogeyman I modded in joined the generated ones in beating me to a pulp at the same time, including the Oompa Loompa's who's constant singing was every bit as irritating and mentally scarring as the beating.(Maybe More). I then noticed that in Legends mode you wet on to kill Bandits without me, and have yet to relocate to a town. I have a new world to play with now so enjoy being erased.
To: Interdimensional Dwarven Brokers' Union
Re: Breaks
You don't need them.
You work three times a year for a period of about two weeks each time, and that's if I'm slow about trading. Even if I give you a second job as a manager, you still have more leisure time than work time.
I'm overlooking your "breaks" during winter when you don't have anything that needs to be done anyway, but quit taking breaks when the caravans come!
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,I probably would have made it if I hadn't modded in extra boogeymen, because they all showed up to the party. I was working on several ideas, from Oompa Loompa's singing, to Jack-Bots body plans, minions of Set using copy tags from snakemen, and henchmen copying tags from Humans. The screen was full of boogeymen.
I appreciate you being the only person in town crazy enough to venture into the wilderness with me, even though I was just heading to the nearest fortress to get a full party of soldiers accompanying us. Too bad the fortress was filled with Hippos instead. I tried to redirect us to the nearest other town instead, but you insisted on chasing after every animal along the way throwing us way off course, and as I ran to keep up with you I didn't even get a single kill. Then Night fell and every boogeyman I modded in joined the generated ones in beating me to a pulp at the same time, including the Oompa Loompa's who's constant singing was every bit as irritating and mentally scarring as the beating.(Maybe More). I then noticed that in Legends mode you wet on to kill Bandits without me, and have yet to relocate to a town. I have a new world to play with now so enjoy being erased.
Dear Urist McAnimalLover,I probably would have made it if I hadn't modded in extra boogeymen, because they all showed up to the party. I was working on several ideas, from Oompa Loompa's singing, to Jack-Bots body plans, minions of Set using copy tags from snakemen, and henchmen copying tags from Humans. The screen was full of boogeymen.
I appreciate you being the only person in town crazy enough to venture into the wilderness with me, even though I was just heading to the nearest fortress to get a full party of soldiers accompanying us. Too bad the fortress was filled with Hippos instead. I tried to redirect us to the nearest other town instead, but you insisted on chasing after every animal along the way throwing us way off course, and as I ran to keep up with you I didn't even get a single kill. Then Night fell and every boogeyman I modded in joined the generated ones in beating me to a pulp at the same time, including the Oompa Loompa's who's constant singing was every bit as irritating and mentally scarring as the beating.(Maybe More). I then noticed that in Legends mode you wet on to kill Bandits without me, and have yet to relocate to a town. I have a new world to play with now so enjoy being erased.
What do you get when your dwarf is a PRATT,
Drinking a beer, and increadibly FAT?
Blaming his kin is a lie and a SHAME,
When you know exactly what to BLAME!
(The hallucagenic mushrooms!!)
Oompa loompa, doopity dah!
If you're not wasted, you will go far!
Avoid creating night creatures too,
And be spared the oompa loompa doompaties too!
To the lord of the Mountainhomes:
I am grateful for this chance to redeem myself after our last outpost failed due to a mysterious leak in the farms that had sprung while I had ordered the moats to be expanded. However, while reviewing the documents regarding the new outpost to be established, I could not help but note its name: Tombssubmerged. I would like to take this opportunity to petition for a name change.
Thank you,
The Flooder of Forts
Dear f***ing idle dwarves, please don't stand in the meeting hall while it's been accidently flooded and a forgotten beast is amok in the hospital, flee damn it!
Dear Urist Mcengraver,
I am aware that you are 'legendary' at your job, but you do not have to run into my office screaming about the latest 'Masterwork' you created, after scratching an image of cheese on the floor by my office's window.
Sincerely, you annoyed mayor.
(for those curious, this is how i imagined the scene of my engrave running back and forth making engraving inside than outside of my mayors office.
Dear Urist McSocklover
When we have a fortress that snakes round a volcano and we mine into it from left and right, don't GO THROUGH THE FREAKING VOLCANO TO GET A SOCK WHEN I GAVE YOU 7 PAIRS A MONTH AGO!!!
I think we need to go back to school on this one. I don't know how you wear socks, but I have the suspicion that you're doing it wrong.
Maybe he's wearing it in place of an artifact thong?
My mind. It is ruined by the image of a dwarf wearing an extremely expensive condom.
Why have you done this to me!?
Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Is it an evil biome?Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Ugh I got the same problem!
Is it an evil biome?Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Ugh I got the same problem!
Than it is probably a new bug - to fix this upload savegame to DFFD and create a bug on a bugtracker (you may try searching but AFAIK combustion is a new problem).Is it an evil biome?Dear 6 of the Seven starting Urists:
When I define a burrows underground that we just dug out and assign ALL of you to it due to the forest we embarked in SPONTAINIOUSLY COMBUSTING, I do not expect you to just stand there, above ground, and burn to death. The only one of your seven knuckleheads that was smart enough to actually go to the burrows and not burn to death was Urist Mc Miner, who just threw a tantrum, is miserable, and may or may not survive.
Yours sincerly:
The Overseer wondering what on earth started that spontanious combustion.
Ugh I got the same problem!
Nope, it was calm. There was just a spontanious combustion.
turn off his woodcutting labor and the military should upgrade when the woodcutter bins it.Tried. Hell, I tried removing the axe from the axedwarf, but neither of them would drop it, even when I forbid both.
Dear Muspel McThief-
I hope your happy with yourself. How did you think you were going to get into my fort unnoticed? Theres one entrance, surrounded by tamed animals, and- oh yeah- YOUR TWENTY FEET TALL. AND BRIGHT RED. ON FIRE. And now I have to start a new test-fort. Because you lit a dog on fire. Who lit the entire fucking world on fire. Which started a tantrum spiral. Thanks for wasting two hours of testing time, you miserable fuck.
-The unhappy god who coded you into existence.
iiiiiii only want soooocks!Dear Muspel McThief-
I hope your happy with yourself. How did you think you were going to get into my fort unnoticed? Theres one entrance, surrounded by tamed animals, and- oh yeah- YOUR TWENTY FEET TALL. AND BRIGHT RED. ON FIRE. And now I have to start a new test-fort. Because you lit a dog on fire. Who lit the entire fucking world on fire. Which started a tantrum spiral. Thanks for wasting two hours of testing time, you miserable fuck.
-The unhappy god who coded you into existence.
I just want to set the world on fire
Sincerely; Muspel McThief.
Dear MayorDear Overseer,
NO I WONT GET YOU A WINDOW, I GOT NO SAND!
-Overseer
Dear MayorDear Overseer,
NO I WONT GET YOU A WINDOW, I GOT NO SAND!
-Overseer
I DON'T CARE IF WE HAVE NO SAND, I WANT THAT WINDOW AND I WANT IT NOW.
Sincerely, the mayor.
Dear Residents of Angelspear
I want a rematch, If you're out of warriors i'll settle for uppity nobles.
Sincerely the Nidhoggr
To that damn Magma Crab.
Congratulations on your induction into my 'I hate you' list. I havent had a single non civilised critter cripple so many fortress residents. Usually I send in the military by the 2nd one. But you are benefiting from your unique habitat in that my crossbowguys can't see through the magma to shoot you, and my melee guys can't get to you to stab you.
So far you have severely wounded or permanently crippled 2 furnace operators, my fortress' only competent weaponsmith, 2 members of the crossbow squad and a paramedic.
So far no deaths thanks to the quick working medical team. But keep it up and I'll do something horrible to you like...uh....flood you with magma?....Crap. I'll think of something. You are on notice buster.
The administration of WaterGate.
To that damn Magma Crab.
Congratulations on your induction into my 'I hate you' list. I havent had a single non civilised critter cripple so many fortress residents. Usually I send in the military by the 2nd one. But you are benefiting from your unique habitat in that my crossbowguys can't see through the magma to shoot you, and my melee guys can't get to you to stab you.
So far you have severely wounded or permanently crippled 2 furnace operators, my fortress' only competent weaponsmith, 2 members of the crossbow squad and a paramedic.
So far no deaths thanks to the quick working medical team. But keep it up and I'll do something horrible to you like...uh....flood you with magma?....Crap. I'll think of something. You are on notice buster.
The administration of WaterGate.
Dear Lerdi Simonaquuv Mobmuost, Forgotten Beast,
Whats your freaking problem? I am 80% complete with my steel pumpstack and you show up and destroy the bottom and collapse the whole thing. FUUUUUUU
Then you insta kill a legendary axedwarf and a elite marksdwarf with a single kick to the face each before being torn apart by a single bolt.
You are made out of WATER! and you didn't even leave a corpse to butcher.
Everytime one of my guys finally trains up to legendary, one of you guys shows up to delay my militias progress. I opted to kill you because my pump stack was vulnerable. If I hadn't deceived me of your true strength by being made out of freaking water. I would have just let you come into the cave-in trap corridoor.
Dear Military,
Really? SIX of you become legendary soldiers while trying to kill a single undead kitten. How hard could it be? Really hard, apparently. I'm not sure why you swordsdwarves and speardwarves had such a hard time at it. Oh wait, it's because you did not use your weapons while wrestling the legless head and body. In case you didn't notice, the entire rest of the fort fell into chaos and undeath while you were playing hot potato with a kitten ball. Thanks a bunch.
Dear Evil Soot Kitten,
F(duck noise)k you.
Angrily,
Evil Overseer of Nothing Anymore
Dear Military,
Really? SIX of you become legendary soldiers while trying to kill a single undead kitten. How hard could it be? Really hard, apparently. I'm not sure why you swordsdwarves and speardwarves had such a hard time at it. Oh wait, it's because you did not use your weapons while wrestling the legless head and body. In case you didn't notice, the entire rest of the fort fell into chaos and undeath while you were playing hot potato with a kitten ball. Thanks a bunch.
Dear Evil Soot Kitten,
F(duck noise)k you.
Angrily,
Evil Overseer of Nothing Anymore
Dear Overseer:
Urist McLegendarySoldier cancels reply: KITTY!x6
Dear Urist McGreen, thank you for your concern, but you will stay where you are. Herbalists and woodcutters are permanently green. (In the game, green was the lowest at which you could go outside, and you'd better have had a damn good reason.) Urist McRed will be "promoted" to the troubleshooters, and given a -rough wood training sword-.
Sorry, the double post is because i was posting from a cell phone.
Ah. Understandable. and now, another note!
Dear Urist McDyingInjuredHunter: Perhaps picking a fight with a giant kangaroo was a touch stupid hmm?
And now you get to suffer from the stellar care of the fort's medical staff:Urist McBroker the imprmptu diagnostician, and Urist McWoodcutter the improvised suturer/wound dresser.
Sincerly,
your annoyed overseer.
Dear Urist McDoctor
Please patch up the expert hunter. I need him to train marksdorf infantry.
Sighned,
[SEE ABOVE]
Dear UristMcEverybody,
Please do not all charge outside to get a drink of water, rather than drinking our glorious supply of plump helmet wine, in the middle of a goblin siege.
Dear wild naked mole dogs,
Please, walk around the cage traps. We already have too many of you.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Dear wild naked mole dogs,
Please, walk around the cage traps. We already have too many of you.
Sincerely, the overseer.
-Barely intelligible words that seem to be gnawed into the rock found with a moledog-
DaEr OvveRSEEar
ForT Wahrm. Caves cOlD. WAnT WaHrm.
MollDOgS
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,That's why I always carve escape ramps in the local river and murky ponds.
It baffles me why you thought standing on the frozen river to fish in the thawed water just as the ice was about to melt was a good idea. And that's after you apparently tried to strand yourself on the other side but fortuitously decided to stop fishing in the empty pool. And this not a week into our settlement in this fairy-besotted forest, and without you catching one godsdamned mussel. That got our outpost off to a fair start, didn't it.
Looking forward to eating cockroaches next month,
Urist McExpeditionLeader
EDIT: Well, apparently he made it out alive now, which is a relief. Hopefully he doesn't do something that stupid again.
Dear urist mc4yearold,I never thought of goblin snatchers as pedophiles before. How foolish I was.
We took her to a land of wonder and excitement! You can come too if you like! All you have to do is ride in goblinclaus's magic bag!
Gobbo McGoblin, snatcher 1st class.
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,Youre talking about dwarves.
It baffles me why you thought standing on the frozen river to fish in the thawed water just as the ice was about to melt was a good idea. And that's after you apparently tried to strand yourself on the other side but fortuitously decided to stop fishing in the empty pool. And this not a week into our settlement in this fairy-besotted forest, and without you catching one godsdamned mussel. That got our outpost off to a fair start, didn't it.
Looking forward to eating cockroaches next month,
Urist McExpeditionLeader
EDIT: Well, apparently he made it out alive now, which is a relief. Hopefully he doesn't do something that stupid again.
Dear mole dogs,Dear wild naked mole dogs,
Please, walk around the cage traps. We already have too many of you.
Sincerely, the overseer.
-Barely intelligible words that seem to be gnawed into the rock found with a moledog-
DaEr OvveRSEEar
ForT Wahrm. Caves cOlD. WAnT WaHrm.
MollDOgS
Dear Urist McDesignatedDriver,Tha wood be in splinters all around, sir! Anyhoo, don' blame me, tis the fault of the flock o' tame birds that dropped the wagon here! Ev'ryone knows that that's how tha wagons git placed!
Nice job landing the wagon on top of that 1x1 spike of dirt, destroying it in the process.
I wonder, though, why you took your time after the wagon crash to build a towering pile of the surviving supplies (not that there were many) on top of said dirt spike.
Also, where's all the wood that used to be, you know, the actual wagon? >:(
-'Sus' Fikodast, your (miraculously still living, considering the way you drive) Overseer
Dear Urist McIExpectYouToClean,
When I turn off all your labors except Cleaning and stick you in a burrow named "Contamination," that means I expect you to clean. See all that blood all over the main corridor on Z-level -1? That's from our brave soldiers who recently defeated the flying Forgotten Beast with the poisonous vapors. If anyone steps in that, their feet will start to rot off and bleed everywhere, which of course spreads the infection even more. You may have also noted the dogs and cats who have recently exploded. Our surgeons are overwhelmed. Now get to work.
Dear Elves
You are terminally stupid. Whose bright idea was it, that when preparing the cavalry, rejected Grizzly Bears, Giant Eagles, and Elephants in favor of Giant Sponges?
Dear Giant Sponges
How the hell can you possibly be "enraged" or even attack in the first place? You have no brain, no mind, no consciousness, nor even the ability to move, yet you get enraged and attempt to charge my citizens to savagely push them to death! At least, you're supposed to be immobile. I've seen you dodge out of the way of attacks before. It may be the only way you can move, but you shouldn't have ANY means of locomotion unless someone picks you up.
Dear Elves
You are terminally stupid. Whose bright idea was it, that when preparing the cavalry, rejected Grizzly Bears, Giant Eagles, and Elephants in favor of Giant Sponges?
Dear Giant Sponges
How the hell can you possibly be "enraged" or even attack in the first place? You have no brain, no mind, no consciousness, nor even the ability to move, yet you get enraged and attempt to charge my citizens to savagely push them to death! At least, you're supposed to be immobile. I've seen you dodge out of the way of attacks before. It may be the only way you can move, but you shouldn't have ANY means of locomotion unless someone picks you up.
deer ov er seer
i am giant sponge. we have met. i dodge because i hate. i push because i hate. i have no brain. but i hate. i hate all.
i hate all. aminals, i hate. gophers, i hate. dwarfs, i hate hate hate. i push them. i PUSH them. until they dont b reathe anymore. they cut me. i dont feel their sticks. i dont need to feel. i dont need brain.
yours truly
giant sponge
Dear UristMcFriendtoAllWoodlandCritters
Despite how nice a stroll in the forest picking berries sounds, it can be pretty dangerous as well. You also shouldn't mess with the critters no matter how cute they are, lest a swarm of giant badgers decide to maul your feet off and leave you for dead. You should be very grateful to our brave captain who dragged your screaming (but not quite kicking, heh) butt home and was totally not ordered to locate and drag you back due to you being the only brewery worker in our tiny fledgling fort. We don't have any qualified doctors, so we had the blacksmith put ya back together since he's good at fixing stuff. Sorry (not really) if he was a bit rough.
Your friend the carpenter also handcrafted some lovely crutches as a get-well soon present. And by get well soon, I mean right now. We're getting low on the booze stocks. Just cause you don't have any feet, doesn't mean you're gonna be a freeloader.
To Dracon lancer
It was very brave of you to attack that giant tick the hunter scared into the fortress, I can only imagine how terrifying that thing must have looked. And the fact that you still managed to stab it through the brain after it ripped off 2 of your extremities is worthy of very shiny metals and a fully paid retirement.
However, I would appreciate it if you would come collect your tail. It is still twitching and it's creeping out the traders.
The administration.
Dear Captain of the Guard,
I gave you a crossbow with the soul purpose of beating people. Killing a guy by shooting him in the head is not part of a "beating". I know that he was throwing stuff at you, but now we have 3 little kids randomly throwing tantrums all over the place... - The Mayor
Dear secretive moody jeweller:Do you have more gems? It's possible he didn't get enough preferences shouldn't mess with leather selection.
Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.
Yours sincerely,
Me
Scintest? SCINTEST? SKIN TEST?
Dear secretive moody jeweller:Do you have more gems? It's possible he didn't get enough preferences shouldn't mess with leather selection.
Don't be so Armok-damned picky. You asked for gems, leather, logs and bones. You've already got the gems. Now walk over and get the frelling leather. I didn't butcher an animal to get you bones just so you could sit there and draw pictures about how you don't have the exact right kind of dead animal skin.
Yours sincerely,
Me
Dear Medical Staff,I know moving patients is considered to be a poor practice but I'm pretty sure so is making them into a tower like goddamn alcoholic building blocks.
There are ten beds, each bed is adjacent to an operating table , a traction bench, and a coffer filled with materials. As you can see we have a fairly large, functioning infirmary so I'm not sure why exactly you need to be informed that there is absolutely positively no reason to stack the patients. There are six patients, you have successfully given the fish cleaner his own bed, and the swordsman his own bed, and then you seem to have thrown logic to the wind and started stacking patients four high on a single bed. Please take them to any of the seven completely empty beds as soon as possible.
Dear Embark Site Selection Committee-
I petitioned the committee for a site with, I thought, I very reasonable list of requirements. No aquifer. Some soil, to farm on. Metals at various heights because WE ARE DWARVES. And flux stone, because steel is necessary. You gave me a list of several suitable sites, though I wonder why you seemed so insistent on my embarking in either sinister areas or areas infested with Armokdamned unicorns.
After exhaustively sifting through each prospective site, I have to ask, would it really have been that hard to tell me that there was no flux stone, apparently anywhere in the world?
Dear Zombie crocodiles,Deer Overzeer
Why are you so weak? Your pathetic. Im tempted to make a ZOO for you guys, your only dangerous when its raining blister-inducing vomit. Please be dangerous, please.
Love, your insane overseer
Dear Embark Site Selection Committee-
I petitioned the committee for a site with, I thought, I very reasonable list of requirements. No aquifer. Some soil, to farm on. Metals at various heights because WE ARE DWARVES. And flux stone, because steel is necessary. You gave me a list of several suitable sites, though I wonder why you seemed so insistent on my embarking in either sinister areas or areas infested with Armokdamned unicorns.
After exhaustively sifting through each prospective site, I have to ask, would it really have been that hard to tell me that there was no flux stone, apparently anywhere in the world?
Dear Overseer;
You survived the journey?! Uh... Well, there IS flux stone, but you'll have to dig deep for it. VERY deep. Just under those metal veins in the magma sea, in fact. There's lots of flux stone under there, according to our surveys...
Sincerely;
The Very Suspicious Embark Site Selection Committee
To the executioner.
Thank you for testing the execution skill tag on your noble position. It was very impressive watching you chop that vampire into chunks with that iron greatsword. Despite how you had to write it down in all the paperwork as a hammering.
Next time however please avoid sending vampire limbs into the prison water source. Not all the convicts are vampires, and I would like to avoid making more.
The administration.
To the executioner.
Thank you for testing the execution skill tag on your noble position. It was very impressive watching you chop that vampire into chunks with that iron greatsword. Despite how you had to write it down in all the paperwork as a hammering.
Next time however please avoid sending vampire limbs into the prison water source. Not all the convicts are vampires, and I would like to avoid making more.
The administration.
Dear Hiver McMiner, I do not care that there is a large rat in the mines.I say Screw That. Really, screw it. You are holding a drill. It has nothing. Screw it.Dear overseer,
Dear Hiver McMiner, I do not care that there is a large rat in the mines.I say Screw That. Really, screw it. You are holding a drill. It has nothing. Screw it.Dear overseer,
BUT DID YOU SEE THOSE FANGS?
It'll chop me in half with just ONE bite!
I wont fight that huge monster!
Sinercely, HIVER McMiner
Dear Kobolds,
STOP BEING SO CUTE! FIRST I GAVE YOUR CHOIRS ALL THE FOOD THEY NEED, NOW YOU ATTACK ME,
WHYYYYY.
Love, Kobold Overseer
dear uristmcfisher,
I gave you a new fishing lake for a reson: YOUR OTHER LAKE IS A GIANT SPONGE BREEDING GROUND!!You do not go to the safe lake with all the happy turtles, you go to the one WITH THE THINGS THAT BREAK YOUR SKULL BY PUSHING YOU! Uristmcdocter is not happy with your negligence... you are the most important dwarf because you are the onley one who can fish. therefor making you one of our only sources of food.
hugs and stabs
your insane overseer.
dear uristmcfisher,
I gave you a new fishing lake for a reson: YOUR OTHER LAKE IS A GIANT SPONGE BREEDING GROUND!!You do not go to the safe lake with all the happy turtles, you go to the one WITH THE THINGS THAT BREAK YOUR SKULL BY PUSHING YOU! Uristmcdocter is not happy with your negligence... you are the most important dwarf because you are the onley one who can fish. therefor making you one of our only sources of food.
hugs and stabs
your insane overseer.
Y'only told me that I sjould prefer fishing there, not to go to the other water, but you know, the scenery down there is much better. Too bad about the spongy thing, but I like that place.
- Urist Mcfisherghost
((o)rders (z)ones, (f) to change to zone only.)
Dear Urists McWomen
Stop making so many babbys. You have formed enough babbys. You do not need more babbys.
Sincerely, Overseer Blank
Dear Marksdwarves
Good job shooting things. Train more. Save some for the melee troops.
Sincerely, Overseer Blank
Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Healthsigged
Dear Militia
Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Health.
Sincerely, the Overseer of Battlestruck
Dear NumbskullsDear Waterfalls,
I know the outside waterfall is pretty, but the massive pile animal corpses at the bottom should give you some idea of why you shouldn't stand next to it!
Love, the Overseer
Dear Militia
Stop being on fire. It's bad for your Health.
Sincerely, the Overseer of Battlestruck
Dear Overseer of Battlestruck
We aren't exactly sure what "being on fire" means, but it sounds soothing and relaxing. We're all going out for drinks, so if you need us, we'll be in the booze stockpile sir.
The Militia
To the dwarves of Stafffilled;
Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already? I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy. He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.
Sincerely; The Overlordseer
To the dwarves of Stafffilled;
Would SOMEONE please stick the dead miner in a coffin already? I've got reports of 50-odd of you slacking off, so it's not like you're all busy. He's starting to stink up the main staircase and everyone's just walking past his body pretending it isn't there.
Sincerely; The Overlordseer
Dear Overseer,
Check to see if it's forbidden. We can't pick up the corpse if you won't let us!
Sincerely,
Dwarves of Stafffilled
PS: You did remember to make sure we've made enough empty coffins, right?
Dear Urist McDumbass,
Please stop leading scared animals back toward their pen (and thus to the undead who were chasing it).
In case you haven't noticed, we're experiencing a siege and your brave attempt at returning the chicken to its pasture failed.
We are going to terminate your family to stop this horrid gene from spreading throughout the rest of the Fortress.
Dear Husks
Here is a goat. Yes, follow it like good little zombies. Follow the tasty, delicious goat. That's right keep on coming. Right down that tunnel. Don't mind the pressure plates. Soon you will get your delicious goat. Yes, it's so exciting that you can't see the orange light behind you and hear the water rushing over head! Ignore them, they are just distractions from your tasty prize!
Dear goat
Good job, I suggest you REALLY start running now!
Dear Husks
Here is a goat. Yes, follow it like good little zombies. Follow the tasty, delicious goat. That's right keep on coming. Right down that tunnel. Don't mind the pressure plates. Soon you will get your delicious goat. Yes, it's so exciting that you can't see the orange light behind you and hear the water rushing over head! Ignore them, they are just distractions from your tasty prize!
Dear goat
Good job, I suggest you REALLY start running now!
this is awesomely funny :D
Dear broker,Tame them. Basically, flying cats that only have 1 child at a time and don't adopt owners.
Stop hunting peregrines. They're too small to yield any meat.
Sincerely, the overseer.
Dear Corai,
could you please hide pictures in spoiler tabs? My poor computer is doing a virus sweep and took about 3 minutes to load your images.
Dear Corai,
could you please hide pictures in spoiler tabs? My poor computer is doing a virus sweep and took about 3 minutes to load your images.
Dear Garath, Damnit I keep forgetting spoilers.
Love, Corai
It has been brought to my attention that I was mistaken concerning your gender. Your files clearly show you as being a male dwarf. Please explain why you are wearing a flaming dress, which is flaming because it is actually on fire, and not a more gender appropriate tunic. We can't afford having dwarves practice alternative lifestyles while the race teeters on the brink of extinction. Put the hot dress down, and find a girlfriend ASAP.*insert horrible pun about flaming gay here* :P
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator
You're my only siege operator; I know it was you who killed that child.
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Yours,
Astonished.
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator
You're my only siege operator; I know it was you who killed that child.
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Yours,
Astonished.
You entrusted a crew-served siege weapon to an absent-minded bipolar alcoholic and shouted "Fire at Will!". What did you think was going to happen?
Dear Urist McSiegeOperator
You're my only siege operator; I know it was you who killed that child.
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
Yours,
Astonished.
You entrusted a crew-served siege weapon to an absent-minded bipolar alcoholic and shouted "Fire at Will!". What did you think was going to happen?
One of my dwarves shot her own daughter once while the kid was standing in front of the ballista. Needless to say, the kid didn't last very long with most of her lower body missing...
I know the ballista was set to 'fire at will', that was a mistake, but it doesn't give you the right to go shooting children.Not sure if child
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
-snip-
One of my dwarves shot her own daughter once while the kid was standing in front of the ballista. Needless to say, the kid didn't last very long with most of her lower body missing...
dear uristmchaulers, yes i known were in an evil biome but please for the love of Reg get the food before the vultures eat it all! whats that? its raining nauseating filth? so what, get the food before we all starve!
-sincerely your overseer,
PS if you even dare try to pin this on me i will lock you outside for the vultures to eat
Dear elve caravan;
Why do you think I attempted to trade something with you made of wood? I'd got through the list of items I'd selected carefully and offered only metal weapons and trap components, along with some gems. Kindly get your trader's eyes tested before his next trip or else I'll be restoring my old water-for-goods trading policy.
Sincerely; The Overlordseer
Dear Lorbam,
~~~
Yrs,
Overseer
Dear Haulers Union
Remember when I said to move that dead body 2 YEARS AGO!? Well, it's still blocking the door, right as the vile force of darkness has arrived. In fact, for a week after it has arrived. They are in our dining hall. There is no way out. The door is NOT shut. I'm gonna pull my private lever now.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Sincerely, your former Mayor.
Dear Urist McMilitiaCommander,
How long does it take you to kill a horse? It’s a horse; it’s only one bloody horse! You and the entire military which consists of a good chunk of the population have been out chasing that horse for three seasons now, and you know full well that the ‘siege’ won’t end til it’s dead, that means no supply caravans, no migrants. Need I remind you that we’re running low on booze?
Would it kill you to try and corner it rather than chase after it eternally one by one in some sort of twisted parade? Even the marksdwarves have had no effect on this devil-beast. Start throwing rocks at it or something, anything, I don’t care. Just end its life before we all die of thirst.
"The horse has been struck down!"
"The horse has been struck down!"
Impossible. Horse cannot die. Horse watched over this world whilst the dwarven race was still young. Horse will be present when the last dwarf draws their final breath. Horse more abstract concept than flesh and blood.
Horse is eternal.
Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
I'm just going to go drop some lye makers in lava now....Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Any dwarf can diagnose, and even if the diagnosis is wrong they will usually still stop the blood loss.
The Elfs don't like when we chop down soap now?
Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*If she was mauled by a werelizard, just wait till the infection takes hold and she will regenerate that limb in a month.
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Nope, she literally died of loss of blood =(Dear Chief Medical Dwarf, please go tend to my last legendary miner, we need to continue digging out our fortress and the poor dwarf lost her leg fighting off a were lizard which killed the other legendary miner. You have a whole team who can deal with the wound, JUST GO DIAGNO- *Urist McDoctor has withdrawn from society*If she was mauled by a werelizard, just wait till the infection takes hold and she will regenerate that limb in a month.
Dear Urist Mclegendary Miner. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the one dwarf with diagnostic ability out of a fortress of 92 has decided now is the best time to ignore all current duties and work on a pet project of his. All the best in the next world, it can hardly be worse than leaking blood through the entire fortress while everyone watches.
*Urist Mclegendary Miner has died from loss of blood*
Dear Urist McTrader,
I know you need to satisfy your chronic alcoholism, I know you have to stuff your fat greedy face, BUT DO YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK, GO TO SLEEP, AND THEN ATTEND A PARTY AS WELL?! WHAT THE !@#$ MAN.
Sincer- .... fuck it. What's the point, we're going to die of thirst this winter BECAUSE OF YOUR FAT LAZY ALCOHOLIC ASS.
I therefore wish rectal cancer on your senior management.Sigged.
Dear Polar BearSounds like deebus hasn't long to live...
I'M SORRY! STOP CHASING ME NOW PLEASE!
signed, Adventurer
Deebus is a pretty lucky person, though, all things considered.Dear Polar BearSounds like deebus hasn't long to live...
I'M SORRY! STOP CHASING ME NOW PLEASE!
signed, Adventurer
Dear Dwarves,Is it in a doorway or under a piece of furniture? You'll have to deconstruct it before the stone can be reached. Alternately, you can (d)esignate (b)uilding and item properties and (h)ide unwanted stone. Or you can (k) select it and scroll (-) through the list of items then (h)ide it.
Move that goddamn piece of stone sitting there, its not different in any way, yet you ignore it exists. Its messing with the dining room. If you don't move it, I will flood this entire damn fort from an OCD based rage.
From,
Me
From the records before the flood of Angelbeguiled
Dear Dwarves,Is it in a doorway or under a piece of furniture? You'll have to deconstruct it before the stone can be reached. Alternately, you can (d)esignate (b)uilding and item properties and (h)ide unwanted stone. Or you can (k) select it and scroll (-) through the list of items then (h)ide it.
Move that goddamn piece of stone sitting there, its not different in any way, yet you ignore it exists. Its messing with the dining room. If you don't move it, I will flood this entire damn fort from an OCD based rage.
From,
Me
From the records before the flood of Angelbeguiled
Dear food industry workers,Big red lever time?
Y U no work?! >:(
- Your Annoyed Overseer & A Lot Of Tantruming Dorfs
Strange name for a dwarf, linksys, has a nice sound to it though.
Jake, there is a general discussion and lotsa other forums and subforums to vent your frustration about your software, hardware and whatever. This is "your frustration about stupid dwarf AI" thread. Unless you can prove that the company is run by dwarves, or that the technology is dwarf made, take it elsewhere.
Dear Urists McUnfriendlyGhosts,
Y U HATE MY MEDICS? >:(
Sincerely,
Your Exasperated Overlord
P.S. What are you using to batter these guys, anyway? A chainsaw?
Seriously, my last chief medical dwarf bled to death after being disemboweled by a ghost ~5 minutes after I appointed him; the one before that was left with just one arm and one leg after two separate attacks.
If only I could draft ghosts into my military....
Spoiler: WHOOPS, CApslock (click to show/hide)
Dear dwarves of Relicdreams,
There, that wasn't so hard now was it? Remember, I didn't have to make sure that cave-in didn't land on any of you.
Going to make the brook able to flood the entire fortress with the flick of a lever now,
Overseer Lielac
Dear Urist McBerserker,Spoiler: Combat Report (click to show/hide)
:o ??? ... You know what? Forget it. Carry on. :-\
-- Your Speechless Overlord
Dear Urist McBadMarksdwarf,
I told your squad to go attack the wild bunnies as target practice. So you can guess why I'm a little nonplussed when I find that 1) you attempted to beat them instead, 2) you failed to beat them, and 3) you now have a leg bending the wrong direction and your teeth scattered across the countryside.
The reports from your squadmates indicate that you rushed up to the rabbit, took a single clumsy grab at it (probably proclaiming "PET THE BUNNY!"), and got yourself kicked four times in quick succession.
Heal up, then get out there for more 'target' practice. I just hope you don't enjoy the local population of badgers as much.
"Come back here, you cowards! Dorfs aren't dangerous!" (A masterwork adamantine mace to anyone who gets this reference.)Watership Down.
Dear Potash Maker:
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE THE SECRETIVE DWARF?
Now I'm going to have a LEGENDARY FREAKING POTASH MAKER and a useless artifact to boot?
Go to hell.
~Your Loving Overseer
(edit: At least he appears to be using a cat to complete his construction. That is however only a small redeeming factor.)
Dear mayor,Suggest you relax him in a !!hot tub!!
This is the first few years of the fort, we have no adamantite. Shut up.
Love, your Overlord.
Dear moody peasant,
You claimed a Magma forge and are a dabbling weaponsmith. I was excited.
Then you grabbed an adamantine wafer. I was thrilled.
Then you made it into a war hammer. I was enraged.
So now you will make bolts /R
Dear dwarves of Wordshame,
Which of you is a friendless, skillless orphan?
Question totally unrelated to the checkerboard I'm creating in the deeps,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Dear moody peasant,
You claimed a Magma forge and are a dabbling weaponsmith. I was excited.
Then you grabbed an adamantine wafer. I was thrilled.
Then you made it into a war hammer. I was enraged.
So now you will make bolts /R
Owned.
Dear Overseer,
Its for my girlfriend, the hammerer. Dont make me your bolt-slave!
Love, no longer moody peasant.
Dear dwarves of Wordshame,
Which of you is a friendless, skillless orphan?
Question totally unrelated to the checkerboard I'm creating in the deeps,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Dear Overseer;
Don't forget to make sure there's an empty layer between the z-level with the top of the board (the one with all the floor grates) and the level the liquids are poured from. It's a common mistake with the blueprints
Sincerely;
Engineering Consultant TAG.
Dear dwarves of Wordshame,
Which of you is a friendless, skillless orphan?
Question totally unrelated to the checkerboard I'm creating in the deeps,
Overseer Lielac
P.S.: Hurry up with hooking the hatches to the magma lever!
Dear Overseer;
Don't forget to make sure there's an empty layer between the z-level with the top of the board (the one with all the floor grates) and the level the liquids are poured from. It's a common mistake with the blueprints
Sincerely;
Engineering Consultant TAG.
Dear Engineering Consultant:
I copied your original blueprints as well as I could, including the z-level of empty space. Luckily the caverns gave me enough space to work, otherwise I might have accidentally removed that layer without knowing what it's for.
What is it for, anyway?
Thank you,
Overseer Lielac
Dear Kogan Noberith, Legendary Glassmaker:
Get to work please, those green glass grates won't create themselves!
Patiently,
Overseer Lielac
Spoiler: snip quote pyramid (click to show/hide)
Liquids pool on the top of the gameboard. The extra z-level gives you leeway in case they mix in a pattern that blocks the flow of either in any way. It's largely redundant and mostly a safe-than-sorry thing.
Sincerely; Engineering Consultant TAG
Dear Recoverer of Wounded:Please, share your Fun! with us!
None are more impressed than I in your recent deed of picking up no less than three wounded warriors simultaneously after that ambush and carrying them to the hospital. But why in the name of all that's holy did you simply drop two of them on the floor and leave them there?
And while we're at it, dear medical system, why were those two wounded dwarves sitting in beds earlier not counted as patients?
Yours sincerely,
Overseer Dorku
Dear Worldgen,
This is in regards to my fine fortress that I am running currently.
Why is cavern layer two located roughly at level 8, cavern layer 3 is at roughly level -10 and I didn't hit SMR until level -23?
I seriously would like to have a good source of magma around here somewhere, hopefully i will find it, but I don't have much hope for that. Anyway, when genning a random world, volcanoes are very welcome.
The one that tells you what to do, (to an extent)
Krg
Dear Recoverer of Wounded:Please, share your Fun! with us!
None are more impressed than I in your recent deed of picking up no less than three wounded warriors simultaneously after that ambush and carrying them to the hospital. But why in the name of all that's holy did you simply drop two of them on the floor and leave them there?
And while we're at it, dear medical system, why were those two wounded dwarves sitting in beds earlier not counted as patients?
Yours sincerely,
Overseer Dorku
Dear Engravers,I think there was a science thread on engraving that showed that more experienced engravers more often engrave historical events. You probably have too many amateurs who can't engrave more than simple objects
Dear Kobolds,
It appears that, if a lever is positioned correctly, and so is a drawbridge, you are a self-solving problem. Your stupidity and mischief has shown me that my dreams of a suicide booth for you guys, gremlins, and other cheeky creatures can be a reality. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
-A proud new inventor, off to sell this to the Mountainhome.
They did it to themselves. It was supposed to be for executing dwarves, but if they want to sneak in and pull random levers, they should learn to expect some consequences.Dear Kobolds,
It appears that, if a lever is positioned correctly, and so is a drawbridge, you are a self-solving problem. Your stupidity and mischief has shown me that my dreams of a suicide booth for you guys, gremlins, and other cheeky creatures can be a reality. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
-A proud new inventor, off to sell this to the Mountainhome.
I can't believe you would do such a thing to poor Deebus and his friends?!? ;D
To Goblins and Orcs.
Those cage traps are not for you, they are for basilisks and any other interesting wildlife that wanders into them. You are neither interesting, nor wildlife. Stay the fuck out.
----------------------------------------------
To basilisks over yonder.
Please come step on this green carat symbol. If you do you'll getcookiesprickle berriesmeattasty rockswhatever the hell you guys like to eat.
The administration of Greenbeach.
To Urist McEveryone:
STOP BREEDING.
Out of our population of 102, FIFTY are children or babies.
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
That end's the handle, ye dolt! Keeps it from jarring' yet hands off when ye knock th' block off a bronze colossus.
-Urist McMoody
Dear Urist McMoody,
So, a bone mace?
Well, kind of OK I guess... :-\
Wrapping it in bands of sheep wool cloth, of all things, however?
Not a winning idea.
- 'Sus' Facepalmed, your nonplussed Overseer
That end's the handle, ye dolt! Keeps it from jarring' yet hands off when ye knock th' block off a bronze colossus.
-Urist McMoody
...might want to consider putting all these menacing spikes on the head of the mace, then. I mean, sure, they improve the grip, but having a three-inch-long shard of aventurine jutting through your palm is kind of inconvenient.
Dear Engravers,
We have trashed multiple goblin sieges, a goddamn dragon and half a dozen Forgotten Beasts.
Yet you adamantly refuse to engrave any of our epic battles, instead preferring subject matter like flies, tall crosses or approximately eleventy thousand and one piss-poor imitations of that one epic picture of a plump helmet?
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer
enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.
-the goblins
Legal summons to court for UristMcPumpslave,Dear Urist McPumpSlave,Dear Boss,
You see that second part of your name? The bit that says "slave"? That means your job is to operate that Armok-damned pump until you keel over from exhaustion and drown in the river you were supposed to drain, allowing Urist McBackup to replace you. This is your sole purpose in life. Every moment of your existence should be focused on operating your pump, to drain the river so the masons can plug the thing up and suffocate the Giant Sponge nest downstream. Your sole purpose.
This means you are not allowed to attend, much less organize, parties during dam-building hours.
Can't hear you, On Break
so, up yours.
-That's Urist McPumpOperator for you.
:P
Dear Overseer,
I can take care of your little, rebellious slave, for a cost......
Love, shifty Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I'll do it for free.
Yours sincerely, Angry, Fire-Breathing Forgotten Beast von Collateral Damage
Dear Overseer,
I can do it brutally, instead of it quickly, which that thing lacks.....
Love, Jack the Kobold.
Dear Overseer,
I will solve ALL problems.
Singeingly Yours, MAGMA
I can't prove you're a vampire.
Doesn't matter.
-the hammerer
enable fishing, hunting, and woodcutting.
-the goblins
Dear Ex-Possessed Metalcrafter,
Did you have to make that mini-forge out of adamantine?
Because I had planned on using it for something else.
Hate,
-Me.
I was home-schooled and I still had that. My parents seriously had a favorite child, and it wasn't me. I was too much of a rebel, y'see. Read books under the covers with a flashlight at night, and hated to do the dishes. ::)Dear Ex-Possessed Metalcrafter,
Did you have to make that mini-forge out of adamantine?
Because I had planned on using it for something else.
Hate,
-Me.
for the annoying rich kid that got ALL the new game systems. if you did not have one in your class you were not a child.(unless you were homeschooled)
do you actually tell them to make toys or crafts?
Can anybody else feel the ....Spoiler (click to show/hide)
... coming?
Dear Worldgen,
This is in regards to my fine fortress that I am running currently.
Why is cavern layer two located roughly at level 8, cavern layer 3 is at roughly level -10 and I didn't hit SMR until level -23?
I seriously would like to have a good source of magma around here somewhere, hopefully i will find it, but I don't have much hope for that. Anyway, when genning a random world, volcanoes are very welcome.
The one that tells you what to do, (to an extent)
Krg
FYI, if you mean z-level whatever, that's shallow. Most worlds are over 100 z-levels deep by the time they reach magma.
Is it me or are people getting less frustrated with dwarves lately? I see fewer posts about dwarves, and fewer that are about actual frustrations
Hamsters are vermin ingame y'know.. :PSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear bearded midgets of Reksasineth (SinCity):
As we near our fourth year in the desert we've made great progress on the soon-to-be gambling and vice capitol of the world. The steel block perimeter wall is done except for the entrance and the grid of dacite block streets is coming along nicely. You're all pretty happy to live in an open air pavilion in a desert eating replicated food while working constant overtime hours laying out the roads. Soon enough we'll have the first permanent buildings up and actually start looking like a city.
However, the levels of unauthorized reproduction are alarming. While we can always use more laborers, we have migrants who work today, not in twelve years for that. Children only eat and drink up our, albeit infinite, food supplies while doing nothing to contribute to the fort. Please stop popping out useless babies until the city is more developed.
Yours,
Vegas Vic, Overseer of Reksasineth
dear uirst mcdipshit
USE YOUR BRIAN WHEN CHANNELING!
Dear Urist McTrader,Dear Angry Volcano God,
Seriously dude, your guards killed EVERYTHING. They're badasses, they wiped the goblins out. Just... Just F***ing TRADE WITH ME YOU DOUCHE.
Sincerely,
Angry Volcano God.
Dear Masterwork Dwarfsobligatory link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMMV_RoEMxE
IF THE SKULL IS ON FIRE, RUN AWAY. Don't go pet it and watch as it sets the whole map, and you, on fire.
Seriously going to edit those buggers out pretty soon.
dear urist mc bling for allHe probably used this (http://www.kitkraft.biz/home.php?cat=1027&gclid=CKqFhfHog7ACFWQ0Qgod3lL5jA)
you SOMEHOW manage to put gems on shirts how you ever did that i don't want to know, just remember that those cloths are now worth more than all the souls combined in this god forsaken place, thanks to you for making me remember how worthless you all are
your overseer
Dear Urist McThrillRideDear Played To Much Rollercoaster Tycoon
Yes I know the artifact minecart is cool. Yes I know that the tracks are insanely long but make you go faster than the speed it takes to start up my computer. I know I put the stop to ride always, but for the love of me, stop timing it so you crash into dwarves that are crossing. Yeah you wiped out the King, Queen, Baron, etc, but you're staining the marble tracks/walls and the minecart.
Sincerely, Played Too Much Rollercoaster Tycoon.
Dear Urist McSpeardwarfThe mayor is always to blame
I´m sorry what happened to your cat. No one could know that your cat would think that the minecart tracks are a good place for hanging around. So please get off our Mayor it`s not his fault. And it wasn`t the fault of the three haulers you killed, too.
Your Overseer.
Dear Urist McMayorswife
We are sorry for your loss
We are sorry a minecart full of cerated iron disks was accidentaly shot at lightning speed into your husbands new room.
We are sorry that the minecart hit a wall and sent iron cerated disks everywere.
We are sorry that your husbands new room looked suspicialy like a massive blender.
And most of all, we are sorry you were unable to recive those slade earrings your husband wanted so dearly.
We are sorry for your loss, and we hope you enjoy your rehabilitation in the gold room.
Yours truly, your concerned Overseer
you do know you can replace mayors?Yes i do, im just worried for his poor wife :3.
Dear Urist McHauler,Yo dawg, I heard you like wheelbarrows.Spoiler: Image (click to show/hide)
You're doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
Your Facepalming Overlord
Dear Urist McHauler,Yo dawg, I heard you like wheelbarrows.Spoiler: Image (click to show/hide)
You're doing it wrong.
Sincerely,
Your Facepalming Overlord
right, it just looked like your mayor had an Unfortunate Accident, which is totally not needed since you can just choose your own mayorWhy replace the mayor when you can throw a cart full of razor-sharp iron at him while he sleeps?
right, it just looked like your mayor had an Unfortunate Accident, which is totally not needed since you can just choose your own mayorYour no fun
Dear Urist McHaulersDear Niccolo, Overseer,
How the fuck have you guys managed to reserve every single bucket in my fort? There are thirty buckets here! I made so many just so you morons couldn't use them all at once!
Bloody hell.
Niccolo, Overseer.
Dear Niccolo, Overseer,
I took your buckets,
I now have 132 wells,
And 133 buckets.
And I put liquids in all of them.
WHY do you have 132 wells? Does each dwarf get his own special one?I think my logic pre-construction was since only one Dwarf can use a well at a time, I was going to make sure there would never be a queue. And then I might have not realized just how big I was making the damn thing ;P
...
If that's the case, well done. And I'm a little scared of you now.
Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader:
Armok-damn it, I'm trying to trade with the dwarves. But when I turn off masonry on you, you haul around wheelbarrows. When I turn off hauling, you get a drink.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??
EDIT: And now he's eating? After the drink? F**k you, I'm making you a fish cleaner.
Dear Lulo Rapidstrong the Color of Elders, Cyclops,
What's the point of even invading my fortress, if you're just going to stand around in the jungle, strangling the mayor for OVER A MONTH!?!?!?!?!?
Actually waited two months, got bored, and sent out the military to save him with 0 casualities. Greatly overestimated the abilities of this cyclops.Dear Lulo Rapidstrong the Color of Elders, Cyclops,
What's the point of even invading my fortress, if you're just going to stand around in the jungle, strangling the mayor for OVER A MONTH!?!?!?!?!?
At least it wasn't someone *useful?* Unless it was one of those nice mayors that like practical things. Also, I think I'm more impressed by the fact that it *took* a month to strangle the mayor. >>
Dear Urist McSwordsDwarf,
The aligator snapping turtle that the stork corpse killed is alive again! Go kill it, please. No, Urist, it's not in the food stockpile, you're going the wrong way...
Dear Armok,
Why do you like sending white stork corpses at me? It happened last time I settled in an evil area, too...
Sincerely
GWG, Overseer.
Mac isn't Dorfy enough.Linux is for necromancers that can make a FATAL ERROR screen revert by gesturing.
Linux... now that's Dwarfy.
Dear all dwarves,Y.. yak
Y U No work on Mac?
Mac isn't Dorfy enough.
Linux... now that's Dwarfy.
You think macOS is bad?
Try the amiga user fanbase. If windows users are humans, and linux users dwarves, and osx users are elven.....amiga fan..things... are the residents of the necromancer's tower, raising the bones of the dead to do unnantural things.
Behold! The computer undead! (http://amigaworld.net/modules/newbb/index.php)
Ah, poor Amiga. Wonderful for gaming and making demos, not so much for anything else. Yet it still evokes a feeling of nostalgia... :)You think macOS is bad?
Try the amiga user fanbase. If windows users are humans, and linux users dwarves, and osx users are elven.....amiga fan..things... are the residents of the necromancer's tower, raising the bones of the dead to do unnantural things.
Behold! The computer undead! (http://amigaworld.net/modules/newbb/index.php)
In that case, I'll be off to compose my lengthy tome while my undead minions lurch around my tower :D It shall be called "Ancientglories" and be written with much complaining about how an inferior system won out due to better marketing and it will be bound in elf bones /tongue in cheek
Seriously, while I miss my Amiga, I do love my PC.
The most annoying thing to me right now is the fact that trading is a lower priority job than anything else. This really doesn't make any sense given there is a dedicated position for brokerage and having to assign my broker to a 'TRADE NOW MOTHERFUCKER' burrow gets old quickly.Yeah, that's really crazy. Nothing should be higher priority than trading, other than eating when starving or drinking while dehydrated (not just "hungry" or "thirsty"). I think part of the problem is that the trader doesn't get the go-to-depot task until everything's been dragged to the depot already, and by then he's usually found something else to do. My solution would be to have the trading be a high priority task that starts when the first item lands in the depot and doesn't get canceled unless the broker is starving, dehydrated, asleep on the spot, or chased away by an enemy.
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
Dear Adventurers,
I don't know how you changed your routine, mental processes, outlook on life, etc., but don't stop! Suddenly I'm having very good luck with you guys not dying to the most frustrating reasons. Don't go back to being offed by boogeymen, wildlife, or water please!
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
eh, just one question.... in which way was this frustrating? seems more fitting for a "tell your heroic tale"
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
Dear Urist McRambo
We had assumed all was lost when the goblin swordmaster slew our brave militia commander. Little did we know that the swordmaster's callous slaying of a little duckling would send you, a humble pot ash maker, into a rage so legendary we shudder at the very memory of it. You proceeded to slay the swordmaster and his entourage, not with a mighty weapon of steel but with a piece of wood. Even when the vile goblins stabbed you in the heart you continued to slay them until finally with your dying breath you crushed the swordmaster's skull. We interred you in our finest tomb along with your precious duckling and noble oak log. As our final gift we bestow upon you the title of Kinron "Oakenrage".
With tears in my eyes and pride in my chest, your's eternally, The Overseer
As for your other suggestions the adamantine toilet paper was already invented I'm afraid. Although extremely effective the pain and mutilation inflicted on the first test subject caused all the investors to stop their funding.
great, my miner just made a flood gate out of shale, decorating it with cushion cut cabadones made out of shale and gypsum, along with horse bones decorating it and then there are the rings of giant toad bone hanging from it, good job, you get a one way ticket to Death resort!
Dear Miners:
I know the old terrible dining room with two seats is OK, But it might be sensible to start digging out the new massive legendary hall which can fit the entire fort 4x over?
Dear Haulers:
I agree hauling stone to build walls isn't fun; but neither is having your arms ripped off by goblins!
Dear masons:
While the Haulers may be slaking off that doesn't give you the excuse to go on break permanently. May I remind you; We have a pit fall of goblins and they are quiet hungry! :P
Dear Miners:
I know the old terrible dining room with two seats is OK, But it might be sensible to start digging out the new massive legendary hall which can fit the entire fort 4x over?
Dear Haulers:
I agree hauling stone to build walls isn't fun; but neither is having your arms ripped off by goblins!
dear "legendary" miner, please step in to this luxurious room made entirely out of copperyes but i just had a better i idea, i'm gonna build a room for the exact purpose of making fall into the underground lake to drown you
____________________________________________________________________________
oh Armonk the traders just came over, listen get in there and don't touch ANYTHING until you hear the click
and please don't go into another mood
from: the MountainhomesThis.
to: Meta
please investigate included documents. These being:
The usefullness and use of artifact buildings in military defence; attracting building destroyers.
('for dummies' edition)
and:
Thank Armok you made a usefull artifact and not a ring, amulet, scepter, earring, crown, toy, perfect gem or instrument.
Use blocks. Or minecarts. Or bothIt is stone blocks and minecarts. It's just nobody wants to load the damn things and push them!
Urist, why O WHY you drop and "can't pick it up boss, dangerous terrain" important stuff when admiring my perfectly safe mist generator??
Thats it, modding dwarves to be Earthbenders now.Urist, why O WHY you drop and "can't pick it up boss, dangerous terrain" important stuff when admiring my perfectly safe mist generator??
I'm a dwarf maan! Half me body's made of DIRT! Gettin me wet, from head ta toe!? Ya tryin ta kill me lad!? Nae! I taint goin nuplace near it!
And I drops the stoof cause it burns me suh much!
Dear Urist McDoctor,
WHY U NO HEAL?
Sincerely,
Dying Dorf
Not even if the baby beats a goblin swordmaster to death with the leg of a goblin lasher?
Dear Urist McDoctor,
WHY U NO HEAL?
Sincerely,
Dying Dorf
Urist McDoctor cancels reply: On break
Dear Urist McDoctor,
WHY U NO HEAL?
Sincerely,
Dying Dorf
Urist McDoctor cancels reply: On break
Humans (U) don't heal you, you should know that, now what is the question? I'm on my break.
Dear Atu, Forgotten Beast:
Don't you think poisoning poor Monom with your Forgotten Beast extract after your stinger tore his head clean off the body was a bit overkill? I mean, he died before the venom even had time to absorb, anyway.
- Sus, the Very Unhappy overseer of the fort you just attacked
P.S. At least we did you in in the end, tho it cost the lives of a great many dwarvenkin.
To Broseph StalinI know how to fix it, I was going without a refuse stockpile and having the dead taken directly to the catacombs. I decided it would just be funnier to have it dumped on the floor of his room in the pile of clothes littering the floor.
Eww, but it's all sticky and rotten. Besides it isn't my property anymore. One of the contracts the bookeeper made us sign to get the annoying flashing X off of us made our corpse, and any severed limbs the property of the fortress upon death or removal. So it's not my problem. Deal with it.
Sizir Edanducium
(P.S. Designate a corpse stockpile, limbs of your guys don't count as refuse, they count as corpses, and the limb will be placed there.)
Dear caverndwellers below Shockedtowns
While the giant flying worm made of white jade was nice and all, I want cavern creatures to tame for the Kingdom of Symetries. Giant rats would be a refreshing step up from the white storks and pond grabbers plauging this place. Although I appreciate the crab monster. The kids love throwing parties by the cage.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
--------------------------------------------
Dear kobolds of Strabis
Perhaps the part where a dozen or so kobolds have been killed wasn't a good enough hint you need larger armed groups ofwalking targetsraiders if you want anything.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
But its Corai... posting this... and... then....Dear caverndwellers below Shockedtowns
While the giant flying worm made of white jade was nice and all, I want cavern creatures to tame for the Kingdom of Symetries. Giant rats would be a refreshing step up from the white storks and pond grabbers plauging this place. Although I appreciate the crab monster. The kids love throwing parties by the cage.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
--------------------------------------------
Dear kobolds of Strabis
Perhaps the part where a dozen or so kobolds have been killed wasn't a good enough hint you need larger armed groups ofwalking targetsraiders if you want anything.
Signed,
The Guiding Power of Shockedtowns
Dear Shocktowns,
Corai doesnt pay us enough for this...
Love, Kobolds
Just be glad it wasn't "the lances of rape" or some similarly overt statement.Just got "The Mountainous Organs"...
Dear Urist McRejectHow the flying carp fuck are you not a vampire? I have never seen a dwarf with this many "former member" claims in my life, and assumed you must be a vampire. Imagine my surprise on noticing you don't have a single kill? You are either A) the least successful vampire ever (and probably why you keep getting kicked out), or B) A moron.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
How did you manage to become my MAYOR?!?
(seriously, look at his faction list...)
With loathing,
Morpha
Dear Ten Militia Drudges of Gladgilt:ObeseHelmet, sir,
Kill the rutherer more efficiently, please.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/vjwghE_opHFHjlxPIVWLHA26201)
Dear Ten Militia Drudges of Gladgilt:ObeseHelmet, sir,
Kill the rutherer more efficiently, please.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/vjwghE_opHFHjlxPIVWLHA26201)
We're trainin'! We've come to the 'clusion that weap'ns is fer wusses, and are trainin' up 'r fists o' doom! ... sir.
The Militia Drudges of Gladgilt
Dear crundles of Ultrablue,
Stop harrasing my women, bugging my miners, and flirting with my woodcutters. I dont need any of that, I already killed alot of you, and I dont want to train my army on worthless beings like you.
Withhatelove, your kobold overseer.
Dear Urist,Check his burrow. It needs to feature the wall to be dug and a space to dig from.
You are a goddamn legendary miner. With a pick. I am the one who locked you in your bedroom.
Now, the legions of hell are rampaging outside that door. Literally. We dug into the underworld and unleashed a horde of demons onto the fortress and now the inside of the fort.
If you don't tunnel into your nice smooth wall right now, you and everyone else in this entire fortress will die.
Dear Ten Militia Drudges of Gladgilt:ObeseHelmet, sir,
Kill the rutherer more efficiently, please.
(http://image.wetpaint.com/image/3/vjwghE_opHFHjlxPIVWLHA26201)
We're trainin'! We've come to the 'clusion that weap'ns is fer wusses, and are trainin' up 'r fists o' doom! ... sir.
The Militia Drudges of Gladgilt
Actually they are just ten random haulers drafted into a spontaneous wrestler militia because I don't have a real militia yet.
Oh god, my vampire mayor has a liking for "raw adamantine". Since I've yet to strike the stuff, I dread him getting out of jail now.
Thought Barons could still mandate them, I know in .07? I had specific things mandated.Mandates are different from demands. A baron can only mandate a low boot, but he can demand a green glass bed in his dining room, if he likes green glass. If the demand is not met, it will make him VERY unhappy, but he won't arrest anyone.
Dear Dwarves,Have you built a well over it? Or designated a water source (i > assign space > w) next to it that they can get to?
Unless it has dawned on you yet, the brook you are trying to drink from is currently frozen solid. That's why the water is all still and cold and hard-like. It's called ice. You cannot drink ice. The emergency reservoir that I ordered dug for this exact reason, however, is not frozen. (I do admit it may be a bit stagnant though.) That means you can drink from the reservoir. Please do so instead of getting your hairy little tongues stuck to the frozen river and dying of dehydration.
- The omniscient being of questionable benevolence that guides your destiny, a.k.a. Sus
Dear military dwarves,
I see you have opted to drop your axes on the ground and instead punch the zombies in the face. Good luck with that.
Your sceptical overseer.
Dear Urist McMayor,
Seriously, what's with all the Floodgates? We do not need all of them, yet you keep asking for more. Do you want them all installed in your office or something? Drop me a hint.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Dear Dwarves,
Unless it has dawned on you yet, the brook you are trying to drink from is currently frozen solid. That's why the water is all still and cold and hard-like. It's called ice. You cannot drink ice. The emergency reservoir that I ordered dug for this exact reason, however, is not frozen. (I do admit it may be a bit stagnant though.) That means you can drink from the reservoir. Please do so instead of getting your hairy little tongues stuck to the frozen river and dying of dehydration.
- The omniscient being of questionable benevolence that guides your destiny, a.k.a. Sus
We were just discussing how nobles now longer mandate materials.Dear Urist McMayor,
Seriously, what's with all the Floodgates? We do not need all of them, yet you keep asking for more. Do you want them all installed in your office or something? Drop me a hint.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
Would you rather he mandated aluminium items or something?
I think I missed the water source part there. *facepalm*Dear Dwarves,Have you built a well over it? Or designated a water source (i > assign space > w) next to it that they can get to?
Unless it has dawned on you yet, the brook you are trying to drink from is currently frozen solid. That's why the water is all still and cold and hard-like. It's called ice. You cannot drink ice. The emergency reservoir that I ordered dug for this exact reason, however, is not frozen. (I do admit it may be a bit stagnant though.) That means you can drink from the reservoir. Please do so instead of getting your hairy little tongues stuck to the frozen river and dying of dehydration.
- The omniscient being of questionable benevolence that guides your destiny, a.k.a. Sus
We were just discussing how nobles now longer mandate materials.
Dear Urist McVampire,Dear Overseer,
Could you please feed on the animals? Or the bodies of dead goblins or kobolds? I know there are a lot of delicious dwarves around, but if you had half a brain you would do your best *not* to anger all of them. Seriously.
Sincerely, Overseer.
Dear Urist McVampire,Dear Overseer,
Could you please feed on the animals? Or the bodies of dead goblins or kobolds? I know there are a lot of delicious dwarves around, but if you had half a brain you would do your best *not* to anger all of them. Seriously.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I like my blood warm, not decomposing. And I abhor bestiality.
Yours, Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire
Dear kobolds & goblins,Dear Urist McVampire,Dear Overseer,
Could you please feed on the animals? Or the bodies of dead goblins or kobolds? I know there are a lot of delicious dwarves around, but if you had half a brain you would do your best *not* to anger all of them. Seriously.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I like my blood warm, not decomposing. And I abhor bestiality.
Yours, Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire
Dear Urist "Soon-to-be-Mayor" McVampire,
Hey! Thats offensive!
Love, kobolds & goblins.
Dear military dwarves,
I see you have opted to drop your axes on the ground and instead punch the zombies in the face. Good luck with that.
Your sceptical overseer.
Dear overseer,
Every time we cut a bit off it reanimates on its own! These poxy things are bad enough when they're mostly intact, but twenty different bits of the buggers coming after you all at once is just bloody creepy.
Can we form a squad or two armed with hammers so we can just punt them into the magma or something?
Your beleaguered militia.
Dear Complaining Dwarves,Dwarves need water to clean themselves.. can't use the booze to clean themselves, that's for drinking.
Please stop complaining about the lack of a well when you have loads of booze.
Signed, your annoyed overseer.
Dear Urist "Soon-To-Be-Mayor" McVampireDear Snugbo,
Thanks for the invitation to your Goblin Christmas Party.
Grandma Goblin is knitting socks in anticipation.
From Snugbo.
Oh, thanks for clearing that up.Dear Complaining Dwarves,Dwarves need water to clean themselves.. can't use the booze to clean themselves, that's for drinking.
Please stop complaining about the lack of a well when you have loads of booze.
Signed, your annoyed overseer.
Dear Yde, Bonecarver,
Yes I know you put your heart and soul into that yak bone arrow, but did you really need to kill EVERYONE because the hunter broke it?
-Your overseer.
Dear Dwarves,I'm assuming were-civet-ness prevents loyalty cascades from using Asmel for target practice?
It's now the 5th time you've shot Asmel this year. She doesn't appreciate it.
Please stop shooting her.
~Sincerely, Overseer.
Dear residents of Bronzehoof,How many barrels is the food stockpile allowed to use? (Pots count as barrels for that purpose.)
STOP USING THE POTS TO STORE FOOD. THAT ISNT THIER PURPOSE AND IF YOU WANNA LIVE....
Let the brewer do her damn job. With those pots you think can only be used for food.
Thank you.
Overseer.
Considering the lack of marksdwarves shooting each other, yep. Although it only takes one corpse to spark a zombie cascade.Dear Dwarves,I'm assuming were-civet-ness prevents loyalty cascades from using Asmel for target practice?
It's now the 5th time you've shot Asmel this year. She doesn't appreciate it.
Please stop shooting her.
~Sincerely, Overseer.
Considering the lack of marksdwarves shooting each other, yep. Although it only takes one corpse to spark a zombie cascade.
I have now come to the conclusion that the large amount of zombie wildlife I'm keeping contained is actually forcing away the flying birds. 3 years, and not a single raven. I think I shall keep my zombies.
It's probably just a few of the zombies.
Not if you order the militia to attack her, as I recently and embarrassingly found out. :-[Dear Dwarves,I'm assuming were-civet-ness prevents loyalty cascades from using Asmel for target practice?
It's now the 5th time you've shot Asmel this year. She doesn't appreciate it.
Please stop shooting her.
~Sincerely, Overseer.
To; The Mountainhome Surveyors
Re; My Fortress Site
I was promised metal at this site. Local on-site surveys of my own have revealed there is no metal at all on the map. I am presently on my way back to the mountainhome with a large platinum warhammer and a displeased demeanor to discuss this matter in-person.
Sincerely;
The ex-Overseer.
To; The Mountainhome Surveyors
Re; My Fortress Site
I was promised metal at this site. Local on-site surveys of my own have revealed there is no metal at all on the map. I am presently on my way back to the mountainhome with a large platinum warhammer and a displeased demeanor to discuss this matter in-person.
Sincerely;
The ex-Overseer.
Dear Mister Ex-Overseer,
Where did you get the platinum for the warhammer?
Sincerely, The Mountainhome Surveyors
Dear Mister Ex-Overseer,To; The Mountainhome Surveyors
Re; My Fortress Site
I was promised metal at this site. Local on-site surveys of my own have revealed there is no metal at all on the map. I am presently on my way back to the mountainhome with a large platinum warhammer and a displeased demeanor to discuss this matter in-person.
Sincerely;
The ex-Overseer.
Dear Mister Ex-Overseer,
Where did you get the platinum for the warhammer?
Sincerely, The Mountainhome Surveyors
Dear Mountainhome Surveyors;
Don't expect the Trade Caravan back home this year - They decided to donate their weapons and goods before spending the remainder of their short lives contemplating why Overseers shouldn't be lied to about geography.
Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
Epic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Epic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Epic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Sorry to rain on your parade, but according to my forecast the weather will be awful. I've done some calculations, alchemy, and prediction magic and it looks like there will be a large cold front followed by Creeping Vile Fog. I'd stay indoors!
-Dakost the weather dwarf.
To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Sorry to rain on your parade, but according to my forecast the weather will be awful. I've done some calculations, alchemy, and prediction magic and it looks like there will be a large cold front followed by Creeping Vile Fog. I'd stay indoors!
-Dakost the weather dwarf.
Dear Party,
Can I come?
Sincerely, Gedorker, Dragon
To all concerned parties:To UristEpic fort would be epic, including all the carnage..Dear Hill Titan,Dear Olith,Dear SnugboDear Snugbo,Dear Snugbo,
Bring your friends!
Love, Urist
Dear Urist,
Is it ok if the Snurflildieehgeissdlkgejis guys come along too?
I know they're Kobolds, but they've not been to a good party in ages!
Snugbo.
Bring them too, make sure they announce themselves when they come along!
Love, Urist.
Hey, what's this about going to a party? You got invited to one and didn't tell me? For shame, man! I'll bring some treats.
Sincerely, Olith Kadast, Necromancer.
This party is gonna get messy real fast..
Love, Urist
I've heard some of our neighbors are going to throw a goblin christmas ball. If they do, how about you come with me to help complain about the racket?
Sincerly, Ulor the Dragon.
Dear Ulor the Dragon,
Sorry man, I got a Night Troll coming over tonight. She will get ticked if I leave, rampage without me. Maybe you can get a few clowns? Everyone hates clowns.
Sincerly, Hill Titan
We need to do a real fort about this party.
Dear Jimmy the Roc,
The dwarves are throwing a party for all the goblins, kobolds, titans, and megabeasts. The clowns might even come up from their tent to provide entertainment! It would be a shame for you to miss out, if you catch my drift.
-Your friends at Urist's !!Party!! Planning, LLC
Dear local werebeasts:
I got an invitation to a great party. Want to join?
Sincerely,
Jimmy T. Roc.
P.S. Know anyone else? I know that there'll be refreshments. Beer-battered refreshments!
Sorry to rain on your parade, but according to my forecast the weather will be awful. I've done some calculations, alchemy, and prediction magic and it looks like there will be a large cold front followed by Creeping Vile Fog. I'd stay indoors!
-Dakost the weather dwarf.
Dear Party,
Can I come?
Sincerely, Gedorker, Dragon
Dear Gedorker, Dragon
Haha! Of course! Have a balloon of a dead dwarf! Ha ha!
Sincerly, Bugger the clown!
Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Did someone say PARTY? We are coming out of your closets and sayin' it's time to BOOGY! Better set up those disco torches! Gonna party all night and be gone by morning, so y'all don't have to clean up after us.
-The Boogeymen's Union
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Did someone say PARTY? We are coming out of your closets and sayin' it's time to BOOGY! Better set up those disco torches! Gonna party all night and be gone by morning, so y'all don't have to clean up after us.
-The Boogeymen's Union
Dear Humans on Party Wagon,
Giant Kea has stolen Wooden Party Wagon!
Sincerely,
Giant Kea
Hey, all!Dear dumb DwarvesQuote-Quote wall-
To all concerned parties:
My beard has begun itching, indicating the likelyhood of evil and/or blood rain in the area in the coming hours. You might want to relocate your party indoors. The dining hall is open as is the kitten pit. I'd recommend the dining hall, though.
Yours, Urist McBeard
What is this? Unlawful assembly we say! Who gave permits for such a party, hmm? We are very cross indeed and shall thoroughly chastise you for this!
-the Elves.
Dear elves,
Go screw a tree! Its summer, its our turn to trade! Wait a party, dump the trade goods lets dance!
-The humans, who are riding in a wooden party wagon
Did someone say PARTY? We are coming out of your closets and sayin' it's time to BOOGY! Better set up those disco torches! Gonna party all night and be gone by morning, so y'all don't have to clean up after us.
-The Boogeymen's Union
Dear everyone,
HEY, no one invited us! Well we'll bring along some other fun people.
-Random adventurers
Dear Humans on Party Wagon,
Giant Kea has stolen Wooden Party Wagon!
Sincerely,
Giant Kea
Dear all;
Sincerely, Ravens.
Dear Urist McLegendaryChopDorf.Eesh. That might be worse than the adamantine-piercing wood bolts. Either that, or you should develop rope reed armor.
Those stinky hippies took forever to load and leave (no wonder actually, considering the sheer amounts of all those birchen toyboxes, ashen drums and saguaro rib dildoes they usually bring for trade), so I sent you guy out there to give one of them a hearthy farewell kick to speed up the process.
"Urist McLegendaryChopDorf hacks the Elven Merchant in the guts with [insertcoolnamehere], but the attack is deflected by Elven Merchant's rope reed fiber dress!"
You got it right at least, but let me get some things clear. [insertcoolnamehere] is your masterwork adamantine battle axe. Clutched in your hand it claimed the lives of half a dozen forgotten frights and a number of goblin ones well beyound any numbers. You are legendary in killing things that move. So how in the name of chaos gods did that elf even survive the first hit?! I know that there's always a miniscule of chance for some crazy thing to happen, and you promptly proceeded to dismember the elf in question afterwards, but DEFLECTED? The thing that cuts through rock like buter with a plant cloth?
I don't want to accuse one of our immortals of treason, really. Otherwise, you'd be diving into the sea of flames. Without your gear and anyone asking you anything.
Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek vomits into Giant Sponge.
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek vomits into Giant Sponge.
Dear Bomrek,
You're thinking of retches, not wretches.
Retching is to attempt to vomit, wretches are vile people.
Sincerely, Adil Goldbook, Human Linguist.
Bomrek wretches.Dear everyone who is partying,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
...
~Giant Sponge
Dear Giant Sponge,
I hate you. You stole my title!
Hate, elephants.
Dear Elephants,
Now now, don't hold too much of a grudge.
Once, when I was young, I was revered just as you were in your time.
Don't take it too personally.
Sincerely, Carp.
Bomrek vomits into Giant Sponge.
Dear Bomrek,
You're thinking of retches, not wretches.
Retching is to attempt to vomit, wretches are vile people.
Sincerely, Adil Goldbook, Human Linguist.
Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear Confused Overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
It has come to our attention that a whitebeard has been causing disruption to productivity by attempting to host parties at our ☼platinum table☼, and we have four score and two witnesses claiming that this whitebeard has been draining weaponsmiths of their blood. As such, we have elected this whitebeard as our first ever cavern exploration leader.
Rest assured that the platinum morningstar need not rise over our little fort.
Sincerely, Bomrek
Ex-captain of the guard
Oh, good Snugbo, you've arrived! Now we can start this thing. Did you bring all the presents for goblin christmas?Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
It has come to our attention that a whitebeard has been causing disruption to productivity by attempting to host parties at our ☼platinum table☼, and we have four score and two witnesses claiming that this whitebeard has been draining weaponsmiths of their blood. As such, we have elected this whitebeard as our first ever cavern exploration leader.
Rest assured that the platinum morningstar need not rise over our little fort.
Sincerely, Bomrek
Ex-captain of the guard
Dear, Bomrek
A vile force of darkness has arrived.
Love, Partycrashing goblins.
Oh, good Snugbo, you've arrived! Now we can start this thing. Did you bring all the presents for goblin christmas?Dear Inquisition,Dear Party Quote Pyramid.Dear confused overseer,
Why?
Sincerely confused overseer.
Apparently that's the product of a simultaneous strange mood instigated by me.. :/
Love, Urist McVampire
Dear Urist McVampire,
What's on fire, undead and about to be smashed with a platinum morningstar?
~Mayor's inquisition
It has come to our attention that a whitebeard has been causing disruption to productivity by attempting to host parties at our ☼platinum table☼, and we have four score and two witnesses claiming that this whitebeard has been draining weaponsmiths of their blood. As such, we have elected this whitebeard as our first ever cavern exploration leader.
Rest assured that the platinum morningstar need not rise over our little fort.
Sincerely, Bomrek
Ex-captain of the guard
Dear, Bomrek
A vile force of darkness has arrived.
Love, Partycrashing goblins.
-Urist.
Dear Urist,
Got 'em all here.
Sincerly, the military of the fortress.
Spoiler: ninjas (click to show/hide)
To invisible overlord.
You ever get down here real close and study one of these walls? The bookeepers always say it's a cube for the paperworks sake, but to make those walls they just hammer it really really really thin. It looks solid enough with just a glance over, nobody ever really notices it's only a few nanometers thick so the gobbos never bother to try knocking it down.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Urist McArmorer
I have enough trouble with building enough beds as-is because I desperately need the wood for my megaproject.
I have enough trouble with building enough beds as-is because I desperately need the wood for my megaproject.
I was wondering what kind of engineering masterpiece you were up to this time.
Sea side...lots of wood...you're building an ark, arent you?
Is it a gigantic spire requiring rediculous amounts of power to power a combination of minecarts and magma pumps?
What the hell would you need that much power for then....
What the hell would you need that much power for then....
Draining the ocean, perhaps?
Would the dwarves even notice the different between a berserk overseer and a "normal" overseer?Yes, suddenly.
To invisible overlord.
You ever get down here real close and study one of these walls? The bookeepers always say it's a cube for the paperworks sake, but to make those walls they just hammer it really really really thin. It looks solid enough with just a glance over, nobody ever really notices it's only a few nanometers thick so the gobbos never bother to try knocking it down.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Urist McArmorer
Dear Urist McArmorer,
Are those thin walls somehow managing to fool the volcano? Because iron walls and floodgates are currently holding back a few million Urists of magma that would otherwise be flooding your forges. Maybe the walls are thin, but they stop flying boulders, ballista bolts, giants, collossi, and the aforementioned dragons. Urist McBlacksmith can be making them out of tin foil for all I care, he gets results.
And it's not just the whips, poor Urist McMarksdwarf was crippled by a kobold with a dagger while wearing steel chain. Made by you.
One more thing... Yet another axedwarf is yelling at the mayor right now about being "embarrassed to be uncovered lately." He is wearing, among other things, a steel breastplate, a steel mail shirt, steel mail leggings, steel greaves, steel boots, steel gauntlets, and a steel cap and steel helm. I shouldn't have to ask you if you are making crotchless armor!
Sincerely,
Your invisible overlord
misko27: check your combat reports to see if the wall-sitting mason happened to dodge a passing badger or something. Sometimes a dwarf will change z-levels when he/she dodges.It wasn't a badger, as I'm in a savage biome, which means giant aniamls. If it was a giant badger, then he wouldnt be on the wall, he'd be smeared all over it. However, there were a variety of animals in the area which could be responsible, so I'll see what happened.
[Found carved into the wall near a small, circular cart track covered in multicoloured bloodstains:]
The Overseer would like to remind his personnel that attempting to clean the cyclotron while it is in use is counterproductive for multiple reasons.
Dear All Other Urists-Dear Overseer,
Stop eating all the damned plump helmets. We need those for booze. You're eating them so fast that I can't even keep the farming going, because you're not leaving seeds. We have seven kinds of berry and duck eggs all over the place. We're getting honey. Stop eating the plump helmets.
- Your Facepalming Overseer
PS: Toggle the "cook" status on plump helmets to off in the Kitchen tab. They won't cook the plump helmets, and dwarves eating raw plump helmets will leave usable seeds.
Job cancellation spam may be attributed to stockpile settings.. and there are plenty of threads on that around here somewhere :)PS: Toggle the "cook" status on plump helmets to off in the Kitchen tab. They won't cook the plump helmets, and dwarves eating raw plump helmets will leave usable seeds.
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.When someone eats a plant and leaves seeds behind someone has to pick up the whole bag of plump helmet seeds, walk over to the dining room, and put the seed inside preventing the farmers from working.
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.When someone eats a plant and leaves seeds behind someone has to pick up the whole bag of plump helmet seeds, walk over to the dining room, and put the seed inside preventing the farmers from working.
Dear Overseer,
He was a dabbling leathercrafter! Of course he had something to do with it, refusing my wishes!
Tell Urist mcLegendary I said hi. Kisses, Duchess
Ah, thanks. I had turned off cooking plump helmets, but I didn't realize that meant they'd leave the seeds. I just assumed they were eating the things, seeds and all, since I kept getting job cancellation spam for lack of seeds. I suppose that just meant my planters didn't have enough for the whole field.When someone eats a plant and leaves seeds behind someone has to pick up the whole bag of plump helmet seeds, walk over to the dining room, and put the seed inside preventing the farmers from working.
Well, that's new. Serves me right for missing a couple versions, I guess. And naturally, my farms are about six levels above the dining hall, though not horizontally far away. Oh well. I suppose that means I can safely ignore most of the cancel job spam.
Dear Urist McHunter
What Kind of IDIOT gets killed by a rabbit?
Dear Urist McHunter
What Kind of IDIOT gets killed by a rabbit?
I'm sure many of us think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail now
Dear Urist McWoodburner
As much fun as it is jumping off of the waterfall on to the grates which are the only things preventing you from plummeting to your death, please cease this activity and use the bridge to fetch the wood for burning. Those grates may not be there next time you jump.
Dear Urist McMayorFound inscribed into one of the bones of the gauntlet: "Fell mood?"
You went in to a mood. Great!
In a butcher's shop. Okay....
And made a dwarf bone gauntlet. Okay.......
And a moment later Urist McHauler was found dead.
Is there something you would like to tell me?
Dear Urist McMayorD_ Over_
You went in to a mood. Great!
In a butcher's shop. Okay....
And made a dwarf bone gauntlet. Okay.......
And a moment later Urist McHauler was found dead.
Is there something you would like to tell me?
Tentacle ponies?The associated imagery that that brings up when mentioned on this forum... just no. The nightmares of 40d...
We do not need another pony thread.I'd put more emphasis on "tentacles."
We do not need another pony thread.I'd put more emphasis on "tentacles."
crundle thread too.Too far :x
Too far :xcrundledemonic little beasts thread too.
And another 20 minutes spent looking for that god damn story, the thing is deleted from google too.
Note to Urist McHammerLord:
We have specially prepared an ARTIFACT SLADE HAMMER produced at great expense to the fortress (and game stability).
Do not run outside, drop it, pick up some random training spear, and proceed in a suicidal attack.
While your loss would've acceptable, a Kobold waltzed in and stole the hammer.
We hope you enjoy the Circus.
Overseerer
Note to Urist McHammerLord:
We have specially prepared an ARTIFACT SLADE HAMMER produced at great expense to the fortress (and game stability).
Do not run outside, drop it, pick up some random training spear, and proceed in a suicidal attack.
While your loss would've acceptable, a Kobold waltzed in and stole the hammer.
We hope you enjoy the Circus.
Overseerer
That, right there... just... wow.
Note to Urist McHammerLord:
We have specially prepared an ARTIFACT SLADE HAMMER produced at great expense to the fortress (and game stability).
Do not run outside, drop it, pick up some random training spear, and proceed in a suicidal attack.
While your loss would've acceptable, a Kobold waltzed in and stole the hammer.
We hope you enjoy the Circus.
Overseerer
That, right there... just... wow.
How does he lift that hammer?
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
How does he lift that hammer?
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
Or Armok decided to be a troll and gave that kobold superkobold strengh.
How does he lift that hammer?
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
Or Armok decided to be a troll and gave that kobold superkobold strengh.
I know of only one kobold with that power... but probably not. More likely this kobold just dragged it slowly off while disguising it as a bush.
Dear dorfs of The Maze of Glory,
There is a dragon outside. I want all the gates shut and everyone to report to the bunkers. After everyone has made it inside and it's locked out, I want cage traps prepared to capture it.
Don't fudge this up, or it'll roast you all, and I will help it.
Sincerely, Overseer ofhorrible death mazeThe Maze of Glory.
P.S. Nevermind, the human caravan fucked it up FOR you. You're excused, this time.
Dear Human Caravan Guards.
Why can't you just burn to death!? I wanted that dragon alive!
Sincerely, the overseer of the fortress that is about to sic the militia on you.
Dear haulers of Axegrotto:Dear Overseer,
In the future please refrain from displacing the nesting exotic animals while they are on their nest boxes. The hatchery layout was recently altered to allow for a two urist gap between each box and yet you morons chose the direct route.
Dear Urist McMilitarySquad4...Who has NINE goblin fun chambers?
Please learn from the deaths of Urist McMilitarySquad3, and equip your armor at all times as ordered. Also, learn from the bold actions of Urist McLegendaryMinerSquad and put the pointy bits toward the enemy. Report to Goblin Fun Chamber #9 for training.
How does he lift that hammer?Erm, slade hammers probably weigh more than the pack animal. Unless he smuggled in a dragon or sea serpent or something.
Must be so stealthy that he smuggled in an entire pack animal to carry it then smuggled them all out together, that's how!
I gave birth, so I'm happy. But my baby died, so I'm sad. But I got to kill it, so I'm happy.Well, this might not be THAT unrealistic, depending on how much the baby was crying... ;D
I love dwarves.
Having a 6yo son, I can confirm that its a miracle any child reaches puberty, let alone adulthood. I wonder how I wasn't gleefully murdered considering I remember what I was like as a child (as bad as my son). :DI gave birth, so I'm happy. But my baby died, so I'm sad. But I got to kill it, so I'm happy.Well, this might not be THAT unrealistic, depending on how much the baby was crying... ;D
I love dwarves.
Having a 6yo son, I can confirm that its a miracle any child reaches puberty, let alone adulthood. I wonder how I wasn't gleefully murdered considering I remember what I was like as a child (as bad as my son). :DI gave birth, so I'm happy. But my baby died, so I'm sad. But I got to kill it, so I'm happy.Well, this might not be THAT unrealistic, depending on how much the baby was crying... ;D
I love dwarves.
Yes, this is me in a good mood, you want me in a bad mood?
Dear Urist McCarpenterPants.Rock pots.
I'm not sure why your fellow dorfs so. When i told you to make barrels, you began hauling stone. When i told you never to haul things, you began building a wall. When i told you not to build a wall, you went to the craftshop and made wooden bolts. When i told you not to do ANYTHING besides make barrels, you went to get a drink of water, took a nap, and then had a brief tantrum.
Sincerely, 17 completely sober dwarves, and a brewerdwarf with no barrels.
QuoteYes, this is me in a good mood, you want me in a bad mood?
Good Mood:
"Garath is sketching pictures of angry childhaters."
"Garath has created Pasher, the killer of Forums, an angry pwnhammer"
Bad Mood:
Garath goes and kills a random forumuser.
"Garath has created (Insert cool name here), a forumuser "beware"-sign.
PS: I think you ought to have told us about your condition before it became an issue.
You can make epic stuff with Magma's aid, but not out of magma. Dwarves mastered the iceblock wall, not the nonsolidified magma wall.Dwarves have mastered the use of solidified magma, however. They build equally well with water as with lava. Usually through the application of one to the other, of course. :D
Well-put.You can make epic stuff with Magma's aid, but not out of magma. Dwarves mastered the iceblock wall, not the nonsolidified magma wall.Dwarves have mastered the use of solidified magma, however. They build equally well with water as with lava. Usually through the application of one to the other, of course. :D
Dear goblins
I've reenabled invaders, where are my victims? I can't name a champion based on kill count if they don't have anything to kill!
Thank you.
Foreman of Cavernsearched.
Dear elves,Are they be led by a swilight freak or something? I've noticed that it is possible that bizzare creatures, like mole monsters, lead attackers and utterly own the opposing force. Seriously, It gets to the point where everyone BUT the leader of the force dies, and they still win. I imagine that the opponents just run after a hundred or two are killed single-handedly. It gets prety over-powered if it happens early in world-gen, I've seen utterly tiny defenders (5 kobolds, 3 Unicorns, 3 uh( i forgot, some sort of large cat, maybe a jaguar) and a twilight freak) slaughter 1 thousand elves. with 5 losses.
HOW. How did you defeat my kobolds? And not even that, you went onto a 100 year long war. With one army, over and over! Destroying about umm, A ENTIRE GOBLIN CIV. Then you went on to cripple a human civ! How!
Sincerly, your koboldoverseer
Dear kobolds, goblins, and humans
WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ALL THE SUDDEN?
Sincerly, your kobold overseer
Dear elves,Are they be led by a swilight freak or something? I've noticed that it is possible that bizzare creatures, like mole monsters, lead attackers and utterly own the opposing force. Seriously, It gets to the point where everyone BUT the leader of the force dies, and they still win. I imagine that the opponents just run after a hundred or two are killed single-handedly. It gets prety over-powered if it happens early in world-gen, I've seen utterly tiny defenders (5 kobolds, 3 Unicorns, 3 uh( i forgot, some sort of large cat, maybe a jaguar) and a twilight freak) slaughter 1 thousand elves. with 5 losses.
HOW. How did you defeat my kobolds? And not even that, you went onto a 100 year long war. With one army, over and over! Destroying about umm, A ENTIRE GOBLIN CIV. Then you went on to cripple a human civ! How!
Sincerly, your koboldoverseer
Dear kobolds, goblins, and humans
WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ALL THE SUDDEN?
Sincerly, your kobold overseer
Dear giant crows around Thiefcrushers,
Leave. Please. A 103 year old woman just did a diving tackle and stabbed one of you through the head, and another soldier punched one of you to death despite having a sword. And you keep spooking the people trying to fish from the brook. While I appreciate that your are giant and delicious, I'd rather not have to exterminate you.
Sighned,
Splint, The Overseer.
Dear Urist McSwordsman,He cant, hes webbed. He'll probably die from thirst unless you intervene.
Why wont you show that GCS who is the boss, when he has killed a doctor and a craft dorf and ate them?
It is trying to eat you too, but your helm is keeping you safe so do something about that spider!
Signed,
The person with problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear elves,Are they be led by a swilight freak or something? I've noticed that it is possible that bizzare creatures, like mole monsters, lead attackers and utterly own the opposing force. Seriously, It gets to the point where everyone BUT the leader of the force dies, and they still win. I imagine that the opponents just run after a hundred or two are killed single-handedly. It gets prety over-powered if it happens early in world-gen, I've seen utterly tiny defenders (5 kobolds, 3 Unicorns, 3 uh( i forgot, some sort of large cat, maybe a jaguar) and a twilight freak) slaughter 1 thousand elves. with 5 losses.
HOW. How did you defeat my kobolds? And not even that, you went onto a 100 year long war. With one army, over and over! Destroying about umm, A ENTIRE GOBLIN CIV. Then you went on to cripple a human civ! How!
Sincerly, your koboldoverseer
Dear kobolds, goblins, and humans
WHY ARE YOU SUCKING ALL THE SUDDEN?
Sincerly, your kobold overseer
Dear Urist McSwordsman,He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.
Why wont you show that GCS who is the boss, when he has killed a doctor and a craft dorf and ate them?
It is trying to eat you too, but your helm is keeping you safe so do something about that spider!
Signed,
The person with problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
and screw as fast as rabbis
HugoLuman has died of laughter.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.
HugoLuman has died of laughter.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.
He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.He was not paralyzed, its the fact that the spider gave up every once and a while and spammed webs then made the dwarf focus on deflecting love bites with his head.
A creature just caught in a web will be considered by the game to be momentarily unconscious, which causes traps to be triggered by creatures normally immune to them.
Being webbed is as good as being paralysed. Pretty much the same effect, iirc.So why did the iron helm block so many pages of combat if being webbed makes his armor skill go down to 0?QuoteA creature just caught in a web will be considered by the game to be momentarily unconscious, which causes traps to be triggered by creatures normally immune to them.
So basically they lose all their skill rolls while they're fighting to get free of the web.
Because it's the armor stopping it, not necessarily any skill on his part. Having armor user skill just means the user is less encumbered by the armor.Doesn't it also affect the rolls to block?
...Oops, typo. Very amusing typo, but still.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.
Was he ever bitten, successfully? All those attacks, consistantly to the head, only happens when dwarves are incapacitated.He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.He was not paralyzed, its the fact that the spider gave up every once and a while and spammed webs then made the dwarf focus on deflecting love bites with his head.
Yea it's one of the things that bugs me about vanilla helmets. They are 100% coverage. No matter how much it tries, that spider is not going to ever successfully bite to the head, it's got a much better chance on some other bodypart, but when something is incapacitated, webs, KO, or otherwise, attackers will always go for the head, whether they can actually do any damage or not through coverage.Can either be a life-saver or a total bitch in adventure mode. You either buy enough time to recover and kill the spider, or you wind up debilitated and have to starve to death because it's an eternity of sitting around with a spider chewing your metal-encrusted cranium.
Its one of the reasons I usually adjust helmets to only provide 90 coverage instead of 100. Makes the go for the head behavior less stupid on critters unable to penetrate armor, because it gives them a 10% chance to ignore it.
Web spam does that....Oops, typo. Very amusing typo, but still.and screw as fast as rabbis
There is something very wrong with that.Was he ever bitten, successfully? All those attacks, consistantly to the head, only happens when dwarves are incapacitated.He's probably paralysed. He can't do much when he's losing the battle to get his lungs to do stuff.He was not paralyzed, its the fact that the spider gave up every once and a while and spammed webs then made the dwarf focus on deflecting love bites with his head.
Dear my frantically-conscripted worker dorfs...
Please grab a weapon. That goddamn centaur is NOT going to die by beating it to death.
Sincerely, the population who cannot do their jobs due to the brawl taking place in the working district.
Dear my frantically-conscripted worker dorfs...
Please grab a weapon. That goddamn centaur is NOT going to die by beating it to death.
Sincerely, the population who cannot do their jobs due to the brawl taking place in the working district.
So you modded them to be real? Or are they just scared by a really realistic engraving?
Dear my frantically-conscripted worker dorfs...
Please grab a weapon. That goddamn centaur is NOT going to die by beating it to death.
Sincerely, the population who cannot do their jobs due to the brawl taking place in the working district.
So you modded them to be real? Or are they just scared by a really realistic engraving?
Dear Kobolds
Please, just stay away, we're tired of chasing you off our lawn every day. Next time we might just make it a !!Lawn!! ;)
Dear Corai,Dear Kobolds
Please, just stay away, we're tired of chasing you off our lawn every day. Next time we might just make it a !!Lawn!! ;)
Never.
Love, your favorite thief.
Dear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
Can you prove it? Do you have a god-damned receipt? I thought not.Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
This is, in fact, one of the bins that YOU SOLD US LAST YEAR. Kindly Consider Logic of brain and pitchfork up ass
Dear Fertilizer,Can you prove it? Do you have a god-damned receipt? I thought not.Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
This is, in fact, one of the bins that YOU SOLD US LAST YEAR. Kindly Consider Logic of brain and pitchfork up ass
Dear Snugbo,We're still at the party I started back on page 251. Want to join? Bring your own refreshments, we're almost out. (You might want to bring some elves, too, so the dragons don't mistake YOU for refreshments.)
Where are your goblin friends? After thesudden deathretirement of your ambush parties you seem reluctant to donate metal to Silentthunders. What's the wait?
Yours faithfully,
~Overseer.
Dear elves,Can you prove it? Do you have a god-damned receipt? I thought not.Dear Insane Bat-EarsDear Elven caravan.'Dear' Overseer of this fortress,
You are selling us wooden logs, items in wooden bins, etc.
Do not flip a shit when I offer to sell you something in a wooden bin.
Hypocrites.
Signed: The overseer who just blocked the entrance to the trade depot. Have fun starving.
It appears to use that these wooden goods have been obtained through the murder of our beloved trees. If you need wooden goods, you ask the trees kindly, don't reasonlylessly attack them. Consider growth of heart. Among other things...
Sincerely, Elven Traders.
This is, in fact, one of the bins that YOU SOLD US LAST YEAR. Kindly Consider Logic of brain and pitchfork up ass
Dear Snugbo,
Where are your goblin friends? After thesudden deathretirement of your ambush parties you seem reluctant to donate metal to Silentthunders. What's the wait?
Yours faithfully,
~Overseer.
Dear Hanslanda the human soldier
You have a sword for a reason. While I understand Girlinhat made a nice cedar shield, that's no excuse to dawdle beating the thing with it.
Do your damn job right, and for god's sake, spit that damn leg out! Ellzo is a 104 year old woman, who happens to murder things for a living, but even she thinks walking around with a grasshopper man's leg in your mouth is wrong.
Sighned, The overseer.
Woah what? I would request you donate that fort to me. For obvious reasons.It's undergoing a quasi-secret not so well kept megaproject, which is why for now, no save shall be released sadly.
Dear Hooman civilization,Dear Irritated voice,
Why? why everything. Why did your caravan come with nothing but cheese, anvils, sand, and clay? Why did you bring a terrifying goatgod with you? Why did you insist on taking your wagons the long way around to get inside?
~The perpetually irritated voice in the sky.
Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
How do we know that you aren't tricking us into thinking that it was a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
How do we know that you aren't tricking us into thinking that it was a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
(http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/199/693/disgusted-mother-of-god.png?1321272571)How do we know that you aren't tricking us into thinking that it was a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?Dear Irritated voice,How do we know it wasn't a god that tricked the demons into thinking it was a demon then showed the humans it was really a god but tricked the dwarves into believing it was a demon that had tricked the humans into believing it was a god?
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
So it's Schrodinger's god?
Dear Hoomans,Dear Hooman civilization,Dear Irritated voice,
Why? why everything. Why did your caravan come with nothing but cheese, anvils, sand, and clay? Why did you bring a terrifying goatgod with you? Why did you insist on taking your wagons the long way around to get inside?
~The perpetually irritated voice in the sky.
Why not?
Humans
Also, it isnt a god, its a demon who tricked the humans into thinking it was a god. They're stupid, you're not, know the difference.
Dear urist, when I have you build a moat I expect you to not somehow fall under a collapsing roof or cause the roof to collapse on other dwarves.The problem here is that your expectations are too high.
As was the roof ...Dear urist, when I have you build a moat I expect you to not somehow fall under a collapsing roof or cause the roof to collapse on other dwarves.The problem here is that your expectations are too high.
Dear Urist McSuicidal,Dear Avatar of Armok,
WHY did you walk straight into the channal with lava at the bottom, even though you knew excactly what was there and had plenty of other places to stand?
Dear Urist McObviousVampireMayor,I would think a vampire mayor that doesn't kill his
While I appreciate the fact that you appear to like native gold and bolts as the only things you chose to mandate of which I have plenty of both I do not like the fact that you have drained enough blood from my fortress to please Armok two times over and still havn't killed anyone so I can't pin any murders on you. Not to mention the fact that not once but twice you have prevented me from trading anything to the incoming carivans by preventing the export of bolts when I have hundreds left over from the last seige and the other time earrings which appears to be the only thing my crafts dwarfs want to make. I hope you find your new abode. (A 4x4 room with a pump leaver) Accommodating as you shall be in here for the rest of your unnatural life.
Sincerely yours, The Overseer
Dear Militiadwarves,
Thank you for not going berserk, swiftly killing the dwarves who do, and finally killing that armokforsaken donkey. I have just one simple question. Why are you all wrestlers? i made nice silver axes and iron armor for all of you, i'm sure you would rather put your friends out of their misery quickly and cleanly rather than tearing them limb from limb with your teeth.
With love, The alternately pleased, frustrated, and horrified voice in the sky
Desperation. I had to use up all my iron making sure you lot didn't get killed in your desperate desire to wrestle with anything that moves.
Dear Militiadwarves,
Thank you for not going berserk, swiftly killing the dwarves who do, and finally killing that armokforsaken donkey. I have just one simple question. Why are you all wrestlers? i made nice silver axes and iron armor for all of you, i'm sure you would rather put your friends out of their misery quickly and cleanly rather than tearing them limb from limb with your teeth.
With love, The alternately pleased, frustrated, and horrified voice in the sky
Dear Voice in the Sky,
What the hell is wrong with you? SILVER AXES?! Silver is a terrible cutting metal! Honestly, we'd rather get chunks of soaper in our teeth then use those unwieldy things.
Sincerely, the Militia
Dear overseer,
How Can we be expected to destroy all that delicious looking flesh? Besides, all the hammers would do is tenderize them, and I like my meat tough.
Recruits
Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!... something fishy with this one ...
Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!Turning enemies into were carp is like giving your enemies a army of large invisible trained mosquitos. It is going to bite you in the ass eventually, and when it does, it is going to Hurt!!
Unless everyone, dwarves and gobbos, gets infected. Then all will be united under the full moon, creating an invincible army. Mwahahahahahaha!Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!Turning enemies into were carp is like giving your enemies a army of large invisible trained mosquitos. It is going to bite you in the ass eventually, and when it does, it is going to Hurt!!
Unless everyone, dwarves and gobbos, gets infected. Then all will be united under the full moon, creating an invincible army. Mwahahahahahaha!Recruit has transformed into a werecarp!Turning enemies into were carp is like giving your enemies a army of large invisible trained mosquitos. It is going to bite you in the ass eventually, and when it does, it is going to Hurt!!
Dear Urist McHauler,Dear overseer,
Please stop wandering off with the farmers' seed bags. Your hands are large enough to accommodate more than one plump helmet seed without needing to take a bag with you to the dining hall. Our fortress is home to some of the most renowned craftsmen, artists and soldiers of the dwarven nation. Nobody is impressed that you can lift a bag of seeds.
Sincerely,
The Overseer.
And at that point the dwarves would wipe out all goblin-dom, with their superior biting and wrestling skills.
Pffft, they were weaponized long ago.And at that point the dwarves would wipe out all goblin-dom, with their superior biting and wrestling skills.
We have not just weaponized werecurses, have we?
Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?
Your Hunters.
Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?
Your Hunters.
Dear Hunters...
A) Because you're morons and half the time you go hunting you do it without your ammo!
B) Because I hooked you up as a military unit and told you to always wear your armor. Why are you wearing those socks instead of these nice leather high boots?
C) Because there's a frickin' Ogre down there!
- Your exasperated overlord!
(On a side note, apparently I have no idea how to properly get cages back to animal storage. Still working that one out.)
This is actually a very serious problem I've run into a lot. Tired of losing military dwarves, and realizing they are unable to plan ahead, I opted to do the planning ahead and have them form up before giving them orders to roll out. Yes, it increases response time and you could lose a few civies and let the enemy get close before the engagement, but it increases effectiveness and decreases casualties incurred during the actual fight.You might also try keeping a squad stationed near the main entrance to the fortress at all times. I tend to form twelve squads of marksdwarves and give them one month of training followed by one month of sentry duty. A few strategically-placed weapon traps can help buy time as well.
Dear Urist McAxeLord (deceased)
Yes, you and your steel armor have been kicking armor all around the fortress for three years now. However, a goblin has just pointed out that at close range a crossbow bolt *will* penetrate that helm and scramble your brain. So, a few pieces of advice for the next life:
1. If your two dwarf squad splits up while mopping up stragglers do not ignore an order to rally. Otherwise, you end up trying to take on five crossbow goblins single-handed and risk the chance of a flank shot hitting your hand and making you drop your axe.
...
This is actually a very serious problem I've run into a lot. Tired of losing military dwarves, and realizing they are unable to plan ahead, I opted to do the planning ahead and have them form up before giving them orders to roll out. Yes, it increases response time and you could lose a few civies and let the enemy get close before the engagement, but it increases effectiveness and decreases casualties incurred during the actual fight.You might also try keeping a squad stationed near the main entrance to the fortress at all times. I tend to form twelve squads of marksdwarves and give them one month of training followed by one month of sentry duty. A few strategically-placed weapon traps can help buy time as well.
The number of times I've experienced number 1.If you can't make sure your marksdwarves can't path to the enemy at all, try modding crossbows to be more useful as a melee weapon. I ended up giving them a bayonet.
"Hey, Marksdwarf! You're out of ammunition, go get some more. No, don't run at him, he's fully armoured, and you've got leather and a crossbow. Dammit, I've stationed you inside, GO INSIDE!"
*Urist McMarksdwarf has been struck down*
Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
1 sphalerite?Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
You better hope you like copper. :3
Dear Urist McAxedwarf,No, sounds perfectly reasonable. A dwarf taking out a giant without too much armor, standard. What was her skill level?
Good grief. When I got the announcement of the giantess arriving I sent the whole three of you to take care of her fully expecting to possibly get only the captain back as I'd skipped making copper/iron/steel weapons and armour, deciding to go strait to adamantine not realising how slow the process was so only the captain was fully kitted out. When you outraced your companians to the giantess, who had just finished taking apart that trader who was sitting on the edge of the map for some unknown reason, with only your adamantine axe and helm I was expecting you to at least land in the hospital. I was surprised when first the giantess tried to run then very quickly stopped being in one place, checking the report revealed that you had chopped off her arms and legs before planting your axe in her chest and she didn't get to land even one hit.
- Amazed and not sure if she just lucked out
Dear merchants,
WHY would I EVER need a steel minecart? Why? It is only the first year, the 1500 urists you spent getting that could had been spent on getting something I would pay for. Like maybe food and booze?
Sincerly, the all seeing overseer.
Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.Worth pointing out: That's a demand, not a mandate, and if you don't fulfill it, all that will happen is that Urist McMayor will get sad. Dwarven
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
Dear Urist McAxedwarf,No, sounds perfectly reasonable. A dwarf taking out a giant without too much armor, standard. What was her skill level?
Good grief. When I got the announcement of the giantess arriving I sent the whole three of you to take care of her fully expecting to possibly get only the captain back as I'd skipped making copper/iron/steel weapons and armour, deciding to go strait to adamantine not realising how slow the process was so only the captain was fully kitted out. When you outraced your companians to the giantess, who had just finished taking apart that trader who was sitting on the edge of the map for some unknown reason, with only your adamantine axe and helm I was expecting you to at least land in the hospital. I was surprised when first the giantess tried to run then very quickly stopped being in one place, checking the report revealed that you had chopped off her arms and legs before planting your axe in her chest and she didn't get to land even one hit.
- Amazed and not sure if she just lucked out
*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.
*chuckle* I was probably expecting giants/giantess' to be able to bat dwarves into orbit.
Too much Skyrim for you?
Dear Urist McHauler,
There are at least a dozen wheelbarrows in the storage to be used for hauling those stones, so you don't have to carry them by hand, dammit! Just watch how one or two of your friends are using them right now, they are doing it right. No move it, so I can collapse the entire pile on the caravan!
Dear Urist McCondomless,
Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong. However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children. If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off. We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.
Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages. They'll start growing their beards a little early.
Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender. For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice? That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'!
Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants? Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?
- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.
How is ghost babby formed?Kill a baby, wait for a ghost to form, watch in astonishment a year later when the baby grows up.
Dear fellow overseer,Dear Urist McHunter (and your two brothers),
Please, I KNOW I breached the caverns and you can't find the path. Honest. Now SHADDUP. I'm in the middle of building a magma forge and I really don't need the distraction. There's a Blind Cave Ogre down there anyway, if you COULD find the path, you'd be dead already, I still don't have armor for you.
- Your (rather spamfilled) Overseer.
Dear Overseer,
You told us to hunt, and there is something to hunt down there, so WHY DONT YOU LET US DO OUR JOB?
Your Hunters.
Dear Hunters...
A) Because you're morons and half the time you go hunting you do it without your ammo!
B) Because I hooked you up as a military unit and told you to always wear your armor. Why are you wearing those socks instead of these nice leather high boots?
C) Because there's a frickin' Ogre down there!
- Your exasperated overlord!
(On a side note, apparently I have no idea how to properly get cages back to animal storage. Still working that one out.)
Hm...How reasonable would it be for dwarves to add blades to the sides of a crossbow to make a crude axe?The number of times I've experienced number 1.If you can't make sure your marksdwarves can't path to the enemy at all, try modding crossbows to be more useful as a melee weapon. I ended up giving them a bayonet.
"Hey, Marksdwarf! You're out of ammunition, go get some more. No, don't run at him, he's fully armoured, and you've got leather and a crossbow. Dammit, I've stationed you inside, GO INSIDE!"
*Urist McMarksdwarf has been struck down*
Dear "Legendary Weaponsmith" Avedrimtar... Mayor of Channeltools.That's a demand, not a mandate. You can safely ignore it.
Up until this moment, you've been reasonable. Make a few bucklers, don't sell doors. Okay, we're fine there.
Now, you want a Bismuth Bronze door in your dining room. First, I'm trying to decide how you even know they exist. Second, even though I have a magma vent and a full-bore Magma fueled operation ready to go, in case you haven't noticed, we've been having a little trouble finding metal ore veins. In particular, the necessary components for Bronze, nevermind Bismuth Bronze.
So don't take this the wrong way when I start preparing the magma pump stack to warm your room. You twit. We can't even armor the frickin' military.
- Your (no longer) benevelant overlord.
For the curious, my DFHack of Ores for the entire embark:Code: [Select]Ores:
TETRAHEDRITE : 3946 Z: 85..104
GALENA : 781 Z: 98..123
MALACHITE : 570 Z: 98..104
BISMUTHINITE : 38 Z: 85..90
SPHALERITE : 1 Z: 122
Dear Urist McCondomless,Babies don't drain resources (I think that dwarven ladies put their babies on their heads when they can't carry them), and children do such useful tasks as hauling and harvesting plants. If you feel like cheating, you can use DT to assign the kids more labors. Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Our fort, PurplexedMansions, is 240 dwarves strong. However, 25 of them are babies and another 58 are children. If you don't want to see your infants 'assisted' to play with the toys under the atom smasher, knock it the hell off. We have enough problems with the yearly Goblin Siege playing havoc with the dwarven traders and FPS concerns.
Either that, or I'm going to strap ropes onto that baby, hook it to the nearest boulder, and have them drag some stuff to the quantum storages. They'll start growing their beards a little early.
Oh, yes, and my psychopathic warrior maiden Captain of the guard... you're the worst offender. For the love of all that's holy, what the hell is happening during archery practice? That was NOT the bullseye you were supposed to be teaching your squad to AIM FOR with their 'wooden bolts'!
Also, how do you shoot while holding two infants? Did you make a carrying pouch out of your beard?
- Your overseer, who's starting to wonder if small children can be turned into soap products and an alternate food source.
Dear fellow overseer,Yeah, I've been using a number of the workarounds to get them to reload, like moving them off the walls briefly to wake 'em up and resupply, things like that. Regarding the uniforms, I'd recently started separating hunting and marksdwarving so that might be why I'm having less uniform issues, since they're not allowed to hunt anymore. I use dedicated hunters for that.
I can't help but notice some issues you have.
A. Ammo is an issue that dwarves have especially when combined with
B. Uniform issues. Hunters have a uniform (leather armor, crossbow, quiver, bolts), and militiadwarves have a uniform (varies). Dwarves can only wear one uniform at a time.
C. Dwarves may not realize they can't eat ogres until they've killed them, and they don't think that they're a danger until it's too late, AND it's possible that something else was attracting the dwarves.
Hm...How reasonable would it be for dwarves to add blades to the sides of a crossbow to make a crude axe?Sounds wonderfully dwarfy to me.
Babies don't drain resources (I think that dwarven ladies put their babies on their heads when they can't carry them), and children do such useful tasks as hauling and harvesting plants. If you feel like cheating, you can use DT to assign the kids more labors. Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Hey, that was me! Not you, me!
...How are the babies getting separated?Quote from: MeBabies don't drain resources (I think that dwarven ladies put their babies on their heads when they can't carry them), and children do such useful tasks as hauling and harvesting plants. If you feel like cheating, you can use DT to assign the kids more labors. Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Well, yes and no. The babies eventually become kids for 10 years who try to eat and drink me out of house and home, but that's not really the huge issue. I've got TONS of food and booze. My biggest complaint about these infants is I'm constantly spammed with messages of 'seeking infant' because they refuse to crib the little brats, and I've got a ton of hauling that needs doing and the kids really aren't helping out much, if any.
However, if I was going to assist these children into oblivion, I've got two pet Forgotten Beasts in the first cavern. Infant, mother, father, aunt, third cousin twice removed... EVERYBODY gets to go see the exhibit. :) They can go made in white linen trying to wrestle a pair of FBs.Again...
Killing kids leads to tantrum spirals. Tantrum spirals lead to destruction. Destruction leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Hey, that was me! Not you, me!WHOOPS! LOL, sorry bout that.
...How are the babies getting separated?You know, I have no clue. They wander off from my crafters as often as they seem to wander off from my haulers.
Quote from: GreatWyrmGold...How are the babies getting separated?You know, I have no clue. They wander off from my crafters as often as they seem to wander off from my haulers.
To expand on this, I'm hoping someone can explain to me why my babies appear to be coated in axel grease...
To expand on this, I'm hoping someone can explain to me why my babies appear to be coated in axel grease...
Do I need to ask to sig?
Dear Urist McBrewer,
Seriously, the fort is near fatally low levels of alcohol but instead of brewing more, you decide to take a nap. The other Brewer is too busy loading a boulder in a rock-fall trap to assist, so I guess we'll all just get sober instead. Is that what you want?
Sincerely,
Urist McOverlord
I don't ever bother with the alcohol industry. When I still played as dwarves, they were all estatic despite no booze or bedrooms.You realize that dwarves are physically dependent on alcohol and will work much, much slower without it.
Dear Urist McLegendary:
When the zombies invade from the Evil side of the map, do not take the fight to their turf.
Sincerely, the overlord who is now dealing with your thralled ass.
"Welcome. Welcome to Outpost 17. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest cultural centers. I thought so much of Outpost 17 that I elected to establish my administration here, in the city so thoughtfully provided by our benefactor, the King. I have been proud to call Outpost 17 my home. And so, whether you are here to ply your trade, or trying to start a new life - welcome to Outpost 17. It's safer here. "
-Alath Zanegethad, Mayor, in his yearly speech to the migrants.
"We now have direct confirmation of a disruptor in our midst, one who has acquired an almost messianic reputation in the minds of our nobility, and those who would seek their favor. Her figure is synonymous with the darkest urges of greed, ignorance and wrath. Some of the worst excesses of the Green Glass Mandate Incident have been laid directly at her feet. And yet the interloping nobility continues to imbue her with romantic power, giving her such dangerous poetic labels as the Hammer of Fate, the Cleanser of the Guilty.
Let me remind all citizens of the dangers of political thinking. We have scarcely begun to climb from the dark pit of our societies' social evolution. Let us not slide backward into oblivion, just as we have finally begun to see the light. If you see this so-called Hammer of Fate, report her. Civic deeds do not go unrewarded. And contrariwise, complicity with her cause will not go unpunished.
Be wise. Be safe. Be aware."
-Alath Zanegethad, in his seasonal speech to the workers in the spring of 205.
Just so you all know, I just modified Breen's speeches from Half-Life 2. All intellectual property belongs to VALVe and Tarn Adams.
Dear Urist McStockpileDrone
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If this was some sort of joke, mission accomplished. If not, please seek professional pyciatric help, and possibly a new line of work.
Signed,
Your Very Confused Overseer,
Joben
Dear Urist McStockpileDroneThis is what happens when professional haulers get moody. Instead of crafting things with raw materials, they just jam together whatever is laying around the stockpile and call it a day.
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If this was some sort of joke, mission accomplished. If not, please seek professional pyciatric help, and possibly a new line of work.
Signed,
Your Very Confused Overseer,
Joben
Dear Urist McStockpileDrone
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
If this was some sort of joke, mission accomplished. If not, please seek professional pyciatric help, and possibly a new line of work.
Signed,
Your Very Confused Overseer,
Joben
How did the wheelbarrow end up being stored in the barrel?
I just found a barrel which contained a wheelbarrow. Inside the wheelbarrow was another barrel. I don't even understand how that is possible.What. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FlatWhat)
Dear Militia of Passcrafts,That made my day.
Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?
Dear Militia of Passcrafts,That made my day.
Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?
BTW, I had once an issue where such silver daggered goblin killed 4 of my ironarmoured macelords. Together.
I hate you all. Go kill yourselves
-Sincerely, the overseer
Re: Miner: Meh, just re-designate it.
Re: Baron: Why did you pick an adamantine-loving baron to begin with? Also, in DF2012, nobles shouldn't give material-based mandates anymore.
Dear Horse:How the hell did you survive that?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Horse:How the hell did you survive that?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Horse:
Upon putting my head back on, I found you in the deceased list. I must have missed the announcement of your death, but I can assure you that you'll be missed. And tasty.
Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
A adamantine axe.Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Dear Urist McMasonRemove and re-designate it.
This is not minecraft. OF COURSE you will be unable to build the wall while standing on the same tile it is to be built upon; that's how our modicum of physics works! Don't use your lack of grasp of the concept of solidity to excuse your laziness and "suspend" the construction of the wall. Most importantly, you should really learn from your mistakes and not make the exact same stupid mistake three times in a row!
If you were not one of the five useful dwarves I had, you would quickly find yourself the victim of an unfortunate accident involving honey bees, that volcano shaft we've built the fort around, and a few of those Armok-damned monkeys that nicked our sandals.
With annoyance,
Senior Management and the Office of Problem Worker Removal.
Burrows?Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Him to have used something other than the raw adamantine. Why they always have to grab the craft workshop dedicated to strand extraction, even when it's sitting right above the magma sea, I'll never know.
I'll have to remember to forbid raw adamantine in the future when they want rocks.
That dwarf was very lucky I'm not in the habit of doing anything permanent to dwarfs that annoy me.
Dear Urist.Reclaim. Oh, and dwarven wagons are dropped in by trained rocs.
This is a nice embark. A very nice one indeed. Deep soil, sand, clay, and there's gold everywhere once we dig down. Even though everything is friggen blue and sparkly, it's a nice place. So why exactly did you park the wagon in the MIDDLE OF A GROUP OF ALLIGATORS?
(Quickest fortress destruction I've had in a good few months)
Dear dwarves of WhipChane:You can't butcher tame animals that died of natural causes! Union rules.
THERE IS A MASSIVE STOCKPILE ONLY TWELVE SPACES AWAY FROM THE BUTCHERS SHOP AND FARMS! For the love of Armok almost 20 of you say you have no jobs, so STORE SOME OF THE FOOD THAT YOU'VE LEFT ROTTING FOR 3 SEASONS!!!!!!! I need those mushrooms stored so i can brew and that meat from the war elephant who starved to death last month so you don't DIE, now i'm trying to make the caverns safe so i can set up a magma foundry and give you militia armor and weapons, SO HURRY UP!
- Sincerely your frustrated and bitter overseer.
Burrows?Urist McNewWoodCrafterIt has adamantine spikes.
"This is an acacia ring. All craftsdwarfship is of the highest quality. It is studded with silver and encircled with bands of pong grabber leather. This object is adorned with hanging rings of acacia and menaces with spikes of feather wood and raw adamantine."
- unimpressed
...
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
Him to have used something other than the raw adamantine. Why they always have to grab the craft workshop dedicated to strand extraction, even when it's sitting right above the magma sea, I'll never know.
I'll have to remember to forbid raw adamantine in the future when they want rocks.
That dwarf was very lucky I'm not in the habit of doing anything permanent to dwarfs that annoy me.
Dear Military:
20 vs 1 and all of you manage to get killed? Without a single hit on the goblin spearmaster? Seriously, how do you do that?
*buries face in palms, weeps bitterly*
-Sus, overseer, Cobaltchain
Dear Urist McHusk, Will you finally die in that pool of lavaDear king
Yours truly, A pissed off king
Dear modbolds
The rebel group seems to be doing fine, so please cease your constant dying off during world gen. I even fixed your broke skill tokens and made it so that you'd have the full range of things a race needs to survive, and even gave you two and a hald times the starting number of individuals compared to the other races. And you still fucking died out.
I can't start my wanted succession game until i have you raping and pillaging the shit out of everything.
Thank you,
Irritated Jester of Armok.
Retort letter to Modbold Empire:
The frogmen fared no better than you, and they're barely your size and have access to more weapons. I gave them the same treatment numbers wise. And if it makes you feel better, the ferric elves, beak wolves, and dark stranglers were on thier way out too along with the northern sergals.
Sighed,
Jester of Armok.
Dear Carly McKitteh,
Im so glad you adopted me, but grabbing my hand and trying to chew my fingers while I make workshop orders, smacking the mouse while I try to draw the livings quarters to be dug out, and other..."assistance" isn't needed. Now, if you can help me to learn minecarts, aquifers, and megaprojects, we can talk.
Love,
Your servant
Dear dorfs of Spearhonors,
No, that really isn't how that's supposed to look. Please ignore the efforts of the giant cat (Beware her deadly cute!) to redesign the dining room.
the Overseer
P.S. +1 sock to whoever gets that ferret reference.
Get Fuzzy.P.S. +1 sock to whoever gets that ferret reference.
The closing thing I've got is Filmcow's Ferrets.
If that's the scourge, this must be the bane:Scourge of dwarfkind.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Military:Dear Sus,
20 vs 1 and all of you manage to get killed? Without a single hit on the goblin spearmaster? Seriously, how do you do that?
*buries face in palms, weeps bitterly*
-Sus, overseer, Cobaltchain
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,You can toggle hauling labors, you know...
When we assign trees to be cut, we expect you to chop all of them down. We do NOT expect you to fell a single tree, take the resulting log to the stockpile, go back to cut more trees, and repeat the process FOR EVERY TREE. Dude, seriously, there are six other dwarves, all having the hauling labor on. So please, be more efficient with the woodcutting and leave the hauling to them.
Unamused,
Calico and friend
Dear modboldsDear IJoA,
The rebel group seems to be doing fine, so please cease your constant dying off during world gen. I even fixed your broke skill tokens and made it so that you'd have the full range of things a race needs to survive, and even gave you two and a hald times the starting number of individuals compared to the other races. And you still fucking died out.
I can't start my wanted succession game until i have you raping and pillaging the shit out of everything.
Thank you,
Irritated Jester of Armok.
P.S. +1 sock to whoever gets that ferret reference.Get Fuzzy's rivalry between Bucky and Fungo? EDIT: You seem to have already answered your own question.
Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?
Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.
Dear entire military of Cryptclear:
Why in the holy mother of fuck will none of you put on your shoes? There's forty perfectly good masterwork steel high boots sitting there in the armor stockpile, waiting for you. It's in your uniform. None of it's forbidden. You've managed all the other shiny bits of your uniform. So why the fuck are all of you so opposed to the boots? Is there some sort of hippie freedom no-shoes commune going on here that I'm not aware of?
Please put on your boots before those forgotten beasties in the caverns make you wish you had them when they ROT YOUR FEET OFF.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Cryptclear
They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.
They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.
Nope. Not forbidden or marked for dumping, fresh off the forge and straight into the stockpile. All of the military even have the little green checkmarks in their equipment screen saying "I HAS BOOTS!", and like I said, they've put on the entirety of the rest of their uniform. It's just the boots they refuse to put on. It's been like a year now since I made the first pairs. I don't get it.
Edit:
Also, idle dwarves, I know I haven't streamlined the newcomers into labor yet, and since Cryptclear is frozen over all year, I know it's not the most exciting place and so you may be bored. But please, stop going outside and playing chicken with the zombies. You may outrun them, but one trip-up is all it takes.
Is it set to replace, or over clothes? thier shoes may be the problem there. But then I'm going to assuming the uniforms are indeed set to replace thier civvie attire, and that they may have messed up while putting something else on.
You could try manually assiging them, though that may be tedious. And do they have socks as part of thier uniform? They be refusing to put the boots on because they don't have any unclaimed socks for thier uniforms, though I may be horribly wrong.
Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,
STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!
Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with. I had 190 dwarves in Spring. It's now Summer and I have 225. The only increase has been babies. If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.
-The Angry Babysitter
Akura: Beekeepers will sometimes go stand where a hive used to be, even if someone else already grabbed it. Don't have more than one beekeeper. In fact, avoid beekeeping--it's more work than it's worth, what with needing to make hives, screw presses and jugs (which have no, minimal, and no use outside of beekeeping) and only getting a little alcohol, a tiny bit of cooking material, and some tiny bit more crafting material out of it, as well as needing two completely and one mostly specialized professions to do it, one of which (a completely) the skill level actually matters for.
Also, banning something you wouldn't do just prevents her from making another mandate. Treasure it.
Nyxalinth: Dude, the first cavern layer isn't always within 20 levels. Try looking, oh, 100 down and then complain.
Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,
STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!
Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with. I had 190 dwarves in Spring. It's now Summer and I have 225. The only increase has been babies. If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.
-The Angry Babysitter
The checkmarks mean "There are enough boots for me to has all you told me to has."They could be forbidden, press z -> stocks and check.
Nope. Not forbidden or marked for dumping, fresh off the forge and straight into the stockpile. All of the military even have the little green checkmarks in their equipment screen saying "I HAS BOOTS!", and like I said, they've put on the entirety of the rest of their uniform. It's just the boots they refuse to put on. It's been like a year now since I made the first pairs. I don't get it.
Edit:Just let them die as a reminder for the next group.
Also, idle dwarves, I know I haven't streamlined the newcomers into labor yet, and since Cryptclear is frozen over all year, I know it's not the most exciting place and so you may be bored. But please, stop going outside and playing chicken with the zombies. You may outrun them, but one trip-up is all it takes.
Success! About damn time. (http://i47.tinypic.com/hx93yv.png)Breed enough lice to set against an invasion or megabeast or something. It only takes one to annoy a goblin, and a single pair can start annoying a giant within weeks! They're much more efficient than normal lice.
And to re-rail the thread, one last thing, dear elves:
What the fuck am I supposed to do with a pair of giant lice?
-Cryptclear Overseer
Dear Urist Mcthrall: Mind Flayers possess incredible mental faculties, as well as powerful psionic abilities. You do not. Your stupidity has caused you to be filled with high velocity lead projectiles, as well as your new master.What part of "does not possess mental faculties" do you not understand? Thralls aren't geniuses, and they kill all of their teachers. What do you expect?
Sincerely, Your former overseer.
Dear Dwarves of Whipbulwarks,Dear babysitter,
STOP!
HAVING!
BABIES!
Had I known so many of the female dwarves were so fertile I wouldn't have put in a statue garden and giant meeting hall for you all to mingle in and with. I had 190 dwarves in Spring. It's now Summer and I have 225. The only increase has been babies. If you don't stop acting like mobile, hairy, alcoholic clown cars soon I will need to cause some unfortunate "accidents" and none of us want that.
-The Angry Babysitter
Ms. Nyx, do you play with caverns?Nyxalinth: Dude, the first cavern layer isn't always within 20 levels. Try looking, oh, 100 down and then complain.
Well, I usually hit it much sooner that 20, much less a hundred :P Once I hit it in six.
Signed, Nyx, Who is Not a Dude :D
Dear humans of The Ivory Confederacy,Clearly, you two need to transport your fortresses to the same world for a while to exchange dwarves.
We've only had one birth. There's the inn, two wells and a nice garden around some exquisite trees (hey humans tend to appreciate nature before we completly wreck it like a desperate convict with his new cellmate,) You all have many friends, several have lovers, GET MARRIED ALREADY AND REVIVE THE CIVILIZATION.
The lack of autumn migrants worries me enough, I don't need you lot not making babies compounding things that will get worse once the invaders are turned back on. Hell I seem to be having the opposite problem as our angry babysitter.
Signed,
The Overseer.
GreatWyrmGold,How many layers? You're normally suppose to have like 15 layers or soil and stone, minumum, between the bottom of the surface and the top of the first cavern layer.
I do indeed, but given other aspects of my current fort are being wonky, I wouldn't be surprised if that was, too.
Dear Babyfactories,Wait a few months. The baby cap won't stop existing pregnancies, only prevent new ones.
I warned you. I also set the init file to ZERO GODDAMNED BABIES. How you're continuing to have them, I don't know, but if this continues I'll be making a new Mommy Squad to deal with the goblins when they come, and no one will give a shit, because engravings and gold statues in every room.
Me
Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?
Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.
Also, was the open space connected to a way out? If not, that dwarf is smarter than you!
...Well, he got out OK, so that was a good idea...I meant open space as in a tile which they can freely stand on, and yes, from there she would have had a path back out. The moron decided she wanted to take a dive regardless.Dear Urist McLegendaryMiner,Do you mean "open space" as in the 'k' said open space, or as in a floor?
WHY did you think it would be cute to stand on the tile you were cahnneling, when there was an open space right enxt to it AND the tile you were standing on and channeling is directly above a cavern lake?
Sincerely, your enraged overseer who is amazed at how long you could hold your breath, and that you survived at all.
Also, was the open space connected to a way out? If not, that dwarf is smarter than you!
Dear idlers,Dear Poindexterity,
Please bring your dead friends remains to their final resting place BEFORE looting them of those precious precious socks.
Dear civilians,Burrows.
"Pull the Lever" means "Drop everything and pull the goddamn lever right the fuck now!", not "Feel free to ignore fortress-saving lever pulling order until next year or so..."
Dear military,
You are not supposed to be lemmings. Please stop acting like them and wandering out into a siege to fill a waterskin from the brook or grab the gear of your squadmate who just got himself fucking killed! >:(
dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?
signed: worried about your sanity
dear Urist McHunter
what is it with you and unicorns? seriously!
you have a unicorn bone crossbow, unicorn bone bolts, and unicorn leather shoes, and we mostly make pig tail clothes, and bronze weapons
i notice we have no non-unicorn meat, and over 30 capybaras in sight, however, only three unicorns
how about some nice capybara steak for a change?
ok.. two unicorns remaining now... and you are.. on your way to pick up equipment: unicorn leather vest.
..
ok, just what did the unicorns do to you?
signed: worried about your sanity
Dear Worried,
Haven't ye heard o' th' legends? Th' unicorns are th' most vicious creatures in th' realm! I'm protecting th' fortress from crumbling ta its end, ye fool!
Signed: Selfless Hunter (But wouldnae mind more booze)
Dear haulers:Don't worry, they won't do that unless you specifically tell them to Weave Metal Cloth. However, you will find doctors using adamantine strands for suturing.. ;)
Why the hell are you mixing adamantine strands with the regular cloth? The cloth stockpile specifically does not allow adamantine thread, while there's another stockpile near the adamantine processing facility specifically for adamantine thread only. And if I catch ANY of you weavers trying to turn that thread into cloth, then I will show you the meaning of "Losing is Fun".
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Glassworkers of Metalpraise and Firegears,
WHYYYYYYYY must your moods be possessions? I keep hoping for a legendary glass guy. All I've gotten out of you fools at Firegears is a glass harp. Metalpraise, you better not disappoint.
Annoyed,
the Boss
ETA: And it's a bracelet, aka Kobold Attractant.
Dear Resident Craftsmen,Use them to distract buildingdestroyers.
We don't need floodgates, let alone artifact ones. Stop making them.
Sincerely,
Someone who wishes you'd put those fey moods to good use for once.
Dear dwarven couples of Charmtowns,
Get to making babies, dammit! It's actually for the good of the fort this time!
HURRY UP AND POP OUT SPROGS,
Overseer Lielac
Dear Grass,
Why do you torment me so? Apparently you have undergone rapid evolution, either to assume a predator role or for severe defense mechanisms. I would ask that you please revert back to the natural order, and not randomly immolate.
Sincerely [paper too burnt to read past this point]
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf
Yes, I know you came here with high hopes to pursue your life-long ambition of fishing. Yes, I know our lake is currently frozen over and so you cannot fish there. I know this all, but please, stop trying to fish in the dining room's fountain. There's nothing there, just like the last ten times you tried.
Sincerely,
Overseer of Crystalspires
Dear Urist Febnalthish, Militia Captain of Erithtustem,
When I told you to sacrifice to Armok I meant bones. Now you won't be getting anymore masterpiece meals because you killed our only cook.
Sincerely, your overseer.
P.S. Is it possible to get someone by the name of Urist in vanilla DF? I'm using Masterwork mod with the ork plugin.
And if people don't think this is an actual dwarf...
(http://[url=http://[URL=http://tnypic.net/94910.jpg.html][IMG]http://tnypic.net/images/94910_thumb.jpg)(http://tnypic.net/images/94910_thumb.jpg) (http://tnypic.net/94910.jpg.html)
Dear MantisOverseer,
Was he injured? No, just drowning. It's against the outpost charter's rules to touch anyone unless they are injured, family, or in the same little square that you need to be in. It's embarrassing to just be touched whenever!
Sincerely,
Rule-following Hauler
Dear UristmcnewbornEWW D:
Go back into that cave you crawled out if
Signed Uristmcspearmasterwoman
Attention: All past, present, and future Urist McFishermen,Dear Overseer,
The fortress of Goldflash is in the middle of a terrifying rocky wasteland. There is no water. None. Therefore, there are no fish of any sort for you to catch. If you insist on coming to Goldflash, you will be left outside where you witness firsthand our beautiful and deadly cursed ash clouds that blow across the desert.
Dear Urist McRomney,
47% of you went one way, 53% went the other. You will never be mayor now.
-dwarven electorate
The flying-dwarves thing sounds like fun!
Dear Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter-
Look man, I'm sorry you got stuck in that hole in the roof with the broker. I'm sure two seasons of isolation up there with him in that one tile gave you plenty of time to get to know one another.
still, that doesn't give you an excuse to die of thirst. Drink your piss or something, I need every dwarf that arrives here!
Yours, That Omniprescent Prick in the Sky
Dear Miners of Silverguilds
When mining straight downwards why do you insist on braking all your toes?
Yours sincerely
Random Homicidal Maniac
Dear urists mclazyasseswere you playing Boatmurdered or what?
You neglected to remove the butterfly corpse blocking the door, letting in 15 goblins. Jeez, there was 147 of you. Hope that 2 month party and infinite break was worth it. Now that you are all dead, i hope you had a nice day.
-A very frustrated Donut
Dear Miners of Silverguilds
When mining straight downwards why do you insist on braking all your toes?
Yours sincerely
Random Homicidal Maniac
Dear Random Homicidal Maniac,
Have you ever tried mining rocks with your toes? Rocks are kinda hard, man.
With respect,
the Miners of Silverguilds
Nope.Dear urists mclazyasseswere you playing Boatmurdered or what?
You neglected to remove the butterfly corpse blocking the door, letting in 15 goblins. Jeez, there was 147 of you. Hope that 2 month party and infinite break was worth it. Now that you are all dead, i hope you had a nice day.
-A very frustrated Donut
Dear Cakepa, Deity of the Sapiocoatls of the Hairy Wheels,Kobolds make alot of funky gods, like the Keaman god. Of course I gave them nature sphere.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Seriously, dafuq, dude?
Dear Kobolds;Wait... do kobold lay eggs? o_O
... nest-boxes....
Yours Exasperatedly,
Tamber
Overs'r, Metropolis of Susnûul.
Yup. Once, there was a bug that female kobold thieves would pause to lay eggs when they came to steal your shinies.Dear Kobolds;Wait... do kobold lay eggs? o_O
... nest-boxes....
Yours Exasperatedly,
Tamber
Overs'r, Metropolis of Susnûul.
:P
Wait... do kobold lay eggs? o_O
[...] this game still keeps surprising me.
Such is the wonder of the amazing depth of this game; there's always something new to discover. ...and then, if this board's history is anything to go by, weaponise. (Although it's beyond me how I could weaponise Kobold eggs. I'm sure someone would think of something, though.)
DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Zinicad Odunkate, overlady of the Sapiocoatl civilisation of Cikustahisudot, "The Distinct Page"
Please do not send us migrant waves of thirty-two. Ever.
Apparently it is written nowhere on said Page that we have no food. No farmable areas. THIS IS A MOUNTAIN.
So unless the hunters you sent can call, detain, and slay our exalted ancestors, the Coatls, we will STARVE.
Au Revoir, Senorita.
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night, and Zedo Kixidralvictasal "Death Angelbane".
P.S. I will send Zedo to murder you in your sleep. Why do you think I granted the gift of the scythe?
Dear Zinicad Odunkate, overlady of the Sapiocoatl civilisation of Cikustahisudot, "The Distinct Page"
Please do not send us migrant waves of thirty-two. Ever.
Apparently it is written nowhere on said Page that we have no food. No farmable areas. THIS IS A MOUNTAIN.
So unless the hunters you sent can call, detain, and slay our exalted ancestors, the Coatls, we will STARVE.
Au Revoir, Senorita.
Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night, and Zedo Kixidralvictasal "Death Angelbane".
P.S. I will send Zedo to murder you in your sleep. Why do you think I granted the gift of the scythe?
Dear Lolfail0009, Sound Of The Night
The Sapiocoatls are either useless, dangerous, prone to excessive sunshine consumption or all of the above. We have no choice but to send them away.
Yours truly,
Zinicad Odunkate, Overlady of "The Distant Page"
DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear SPACE CATSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya:DEAR CARPENTER,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Mageziya,Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear SPACE CATSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Wouldn't setting the actual wall space to a forbidden traffic zone work? (d-o-r) They don't need to stand on it to build the wall, so I doubt it will affect the building, just them not stepping there.There is no such thing as a forbidden traffic zone. Only restricted, which, even then, dorfs can still walk over it. I've tried restricted zones, I've tried burrows, I've tried suspend timings, All I can do is hope I get lucky.
Dear Zinicad Odunkate, overlady of "The Distinct Page",In the current version, yes.
I give up.
Where the hell is the entrance to the Mountainhome? Or have you summoned the three asterisks through some elven druidry?
May the wind be ever under your wings,
Zedo Kixidralvictasal, Angelbane
Dear FeyKnittingClub,
STOP MAKING ARTIFACT CLOTHES.
I only have 1 useful artifact at this point, a Pine Door. The others are 3 clothing items and a figurine. Fuck you guys.
Sincerely,
Someone who will kill you if they get one more useless artifact.
Dear FeyKnittingClub,
STOP MAKING ARTIFACT CLOTHES.
I only have 1 useful artifact at this point, a Pine Door. The others are 3 clothing items and a figurine. Fuck you guys.
Sincerely,
Someone who will kill you if they get one more useless artifact.
Stupid question, but is artefact clothing as indestructible as other artefacts?
In other word, is it impenetrable by mundane weapons, making it the ultimate lightweight armor?
P.S; Why is there a cat swimming around at the bottom of the waterfall?Why not? It ain't doing any harm there, at least. Maybe it'll drown, and save you the trouble!
Dear Migrants,Go ahead, there's no potential loss!
Listen, I love you guys and all. But even with Dwarf Therapist it's a pain to manage you all and the fact that one of your recent waves brought with you thirty dwarves sometime within my second year is not working out for me.
I'm tempted to throw half of you useless pieces of shit into the military and be done with you already. Christ.
Dear insane glassmakerJust forbid the rock crystals he collected using q-f, he'll go and collect other raw gems for his artifact.
If you so desperately need crystal glass for your artifact, dont grab the last rock crystals and add them into it first. Just when I thought this game had shown me everything, new levels of idiocy creeps up.
Sincerely your God and Master the Player
Last I checked dwarves with moods don't obey forbidding.Dear insane glassmakerJust forbid the rock crystals he collected using q-f, he'll go and collect other raw gems for his artifact.
If you so desperately need crystal glass for your artifact, dont grab the last rock crystals and add them into it first. Just when I thought this game had shown me everything, new levels of idiocy creeps up.
Sincerely your God and Master the Player
if he's already claimed the crystal, forbidding the item in the building (t-f) will drop it from the list. After that you can use it as you need.Last I checked dwarves with moods don't obey forbidding.Dear insane glassmakerJust forbid the rock crystals he collected using q-f, he'll go and collect other raw gems for his artifact.
If you so desperately need crystal glass for your artifact, dont grab the last rock crystals and add them into it first. Just when I thought this game had shown me everything, new levels of idiocy creeps up.
Sincerely your God and Master the Player
Dear Urist,
Get over the fact that your cats have been slaughtered for nourishment. Yes, we know you liked them, but they're gone now. You'll find another pet, I'm sure.
Me
Dear Urists McUselesskids
Stop tantrumming because you have no clothes! We cannot produce any cloth at this point. Your parents are wearing like twenty items each, steal some from them.
P.S. Stop killing everyone you meet. I'm keeping an eye on you. If you start building an altar to He Who Walks Behind The Rows, I will turn on the Happy Fun Surprises machine.
Dear Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter-
Look man, I'm sorry you got stuck in that hole in the roof with the broker. I'm sure two seasons of isolation up there with him in that one tile gave you plenty of time to get to know one another.
still, that doesn't give you an excuse to die of thirst. Drink your piss or something, I need every dwarf that arrives here!
Yours, That Omniprescent Prick in the Sky
Dear OPitS,
My name was Urist McLegendaryFoundingCarpenter, not Urist McBearGrylls :P
Signed,
the now-named Urist McDead
Dear Dorfs of Firegears,
All things considered (back to back siege, ambush, bigger siege of 40 goblins and their buddies and Lawgiver), you're doing okay. We've lost additional people due to stupid bugs (uninjured dwarves getting stuck on nothing at all and dying of thirst), insanity, and incompetence (on my part, admittedly). But for the love of magma, ENGRAVE THOSE ARMOK-DAMNED SLABS! Appropriate labors are enabled. I turned off hauling etc, there's plenty of slabs, things are accessible, and you craftsdwarves just stand around with your beards up your asses.
Okay, fine. You'd rather haul (as evidenced by your bursting into activity when I turned hauling back on) than prevent this from turning into a haunted fort. Enjoy your ghostly friends.
Annoyed,
Me
Dear Corai.☼Prepared Human King☼
D'aaaaawwww....Look at the adorable 'bolds stealing our noble's junk.... Maybe they'll steal the noble next.
Those Human Guards
Dear population of Headwaters,
How the hell do you guys keep winding up in the bottom of the waterfall? There's like no way down there! And you somehow manage to end up in the MIDDLE of the 3x11 area, too. The water can't reach you to wash you in... Or are you somehow winding up at the top of the waterfall?
Sincerely, your overseer who is still surprised by how stupid you are.
P.S. Congratulations to the skinny little woman, Mistem, who made herself a sexy little short skirt artifact. I'll make you captain of the guard and put that in your uniform, along with a whip. Sure the "criminals" would love that.
No traps yet. Maybe later. I'll put the depot closer to the outside to give more room inside for traps.Try giving them larger pastures.
They did eventually leave, about the time the elves were due.
Still can't figure out why half my livestock starves.
Traps might be blocking the wagons. I had that same problem.
Either that or they're taking thier sweet time loading up and GTFOing.
Dear Dwarves,Dear Mr. Overseer,
I know it's a pain in the ass to walk all the way around the moat to get to the Eastern half of the map. However, please stop trying to get there via the new part of said moat that has ramps. The Moat is constantly flowing because it gets diverted off to the nearby cliff and dwarf legs are not powerful enough to beat the current of the moat. Which means that YOU get diverted off to the nearby cliff. Please stop this.
Love,
Your ever omnicient overseer
Dear Genomes,But what if they swam up the waterfall?
Yes, I know zombie fish are terrifying. There are many legends about the horrors of zombie carps and sturgeons, both of which are currently in our river.
However, they are in the bottom of the river after a 11 zlevel waterfall, and are zombies because they were normal fish that fell to their deaths down the waterfall and reanimated due to our sinister biome (or in the case of the sturgeon, smacked with zombie pike tails for two seasons until dead). There are at least 10 levels of sheer unramped cliff between you and the zombie fish, and despite their terrifying features and no need to breathe water, they haven't learned how to fly. You're safe. So stop cancelling jobs just because you see a scary thing in the water. It can't get you.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Urist McMiner, Urist McFisherdorf, and Urist McFarmer,Don't blame us, blame the moron who tossed us on top of each other!
Why are the three of you all sleeping in the same bed?...and in the hospital no less. Are you guys just that kinky or something?
Also, leave some room at least for the engraver who bumped his head open. Honestly, show some respect, guys.
Dear Urist McMiner, Urist McFisherdorf, and Urist McFarmer,Don't blame us, blame the moron who tossed us on top of each other!
Why are the three of you all sleeping in the same bed?...and in the hospital no less. Are you guys just that kinky or something?
Also, leave some room at least for the engraver who bumped his head open. Honestly, show some respect, guys.
...You misunderstand, the only dwarf that was injured was the engraver.Dear Urist McMiner, Urist McFisherdorf, and Urist McFarmer,Don't blame us, blame the moron who tossed us on top of each other!
Why are the three of you all sleeping in the same bed?...and in the hospital no less. Are you guys just that kinky or something?
Also, leave some room at least for the engraver who bumped his head open. Honestly, show some respect, guys.
Everyone else involved was perfectly healthy and even had their own rooms to sleep in...right down the hall from the hospital.
yes i dug to hell with elf's :3
Pretty much like Dwarves then. :P
Pretty much like Dwarves then. :P
except with ethics: and no metals. playing as elfs is pretty hard think of DF without mining and masonry: i barely survived a gobo ambush of 5! they took a wood clad masterful bow wielding wood clad elfs too paste: damn der wood'n speers
playablecivs+ it is in alpha: you cna farm trees though. you get 2-6 per tree "crop and i use those tree crop to build treehouses: untill i got fucked up by a goblin seige when i had no military.
Dear Urists McMigrants- the fort is in the middle of its death throes. Dwarves are going mad left and right, the countess has locked herself in her chambers to starve to death, somebody made an earring out of of someone else, and the whole thing is only marginally being held together by the fact that the elite military dwarves don't care enough about the people they've spent the last ten years protecting to have a problem slaughtering them when they go mad. Why would you come here?
Sincerely, Urist McMigrantProcessor
Dear Urists McMigrants- the fort is in the middle of its death throes. Dwarves are going mad left and right, the countess has locked herself in her chambers to starve to death, somebody made an earring out of of someone else, and the whole thing is only marginally being held together by the fact that the elite military dwarves don't care enough about the people they've spent the last ten years protecting to have a problem slaughtering them when they go mad. Why would you come here?
Sincerely, Urist McMigrantProcessor
dear mcmigrantprocessor
we just LOVE rings! i meant a ring of that qallity alone is enough for me the fact that is made of someone else is also just grand! i hope i can be a ring too!
Wouldn't you rather be a sword when you grow up?
Dear Urist McDeceased,
I understand that throwing a tantrum and punching somebody is the natural response to the death of a pet bunny. But did you really have to choose the fortress's steel-clad, Legendary-Hammerdwarf militia captain as your punching bag? The peasants are still cleaning your brains off the dining room floor, where they're doing about as much good as they did while they were in your thick skull.
With The Usual Exasperation,
Your Overseer.
Dear Urist McQuantumStockpiler.
Just because I place the dumping zone next to a pond does not mean miss the zone and throw it in. Especially after I reset the zone 4 times before I realise where that mist is actually coming from.
Yours truly annoyed,
Overseer
To: Ambassador
Subject: Treechopping
YOUR KIND HAD A HAND IN BURNING OUR HOMES DOWN! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!
Dear Urist McSwordsDwarf
Please, for the love of Armok, don't take your child into the danger room and not expect it to die.
Yours displeasedly, the Overseer (Your master-god-leader).
Dear Urist McEngraver.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Dear Urist McSwordsDwarfDear Urist McSwordsDwarf
Please, for the love of Armok, don't take your child into the danger room and not expect it to die.
Yours displeasedly, the Overseer (Your master-god-leader).
Dear Overseer
The danger room was safer than the childcare you wanted me to put my son in. What was I to do? Also, TANTRUM!
Smashin' your room,
Urist McSwordsDwarf
Dear Urist McEngraver.I think your engraver goes to my school, since I have seen his work on the walls of the restroom.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Dear Urist McEngraver.I think your engraver goes to my school, since I have seen his work on the walls of the restroom.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Merely dabbling, if he's anything like the ones that frequent my city's bus stops. Truly great engravers prefer street art and mostly stay away from asses. 8)Dear Urist McEngraver.I think your engraver goes to my school, since I have seen his work on the walls of the restroom.
Stop making enrgavings of asses please
Is he good?
Dear Urist McMiner(s),
Why aren't you digging? Urist McMason needs that stone to make pots, which Urist McBrewer needs to store liquor, which you need to live.
Urist McOverseer
Dear Dwarven Elementalist of Serpentshrine
I can understand going after the kobold thief. I can even understand chasing it out of the fortress and then killing it. What I don't understand was WHAT was going through your mind to throw FIREBALLS at the kobold in a DENSE FOREST. The budding fortress has crashed to it's end, you incinerated all the pastured animals, four children, three dwarves, one kobold, a human diplomat, the wagon, the fields... And then went berserk INSIDE the fortress after realizing you burned your own children alive. And then you lit the Brewer, the only priest in the fortress able to soothe your mind, on fire, IN the booze stockpile. So lets recap, shall we? You pissed off the elves, by destroying a forest. You pissed off the humans, by melting a diplomat. You pissed off the kobolds, by melting a thief. You doomed the fortress to a slow death by destroying it's food, and more importantly, it's BOOZE. And most importantly, you pissed off ME. Thats right. I'm coming personally from the mountainhome to cut you apart. Congratulations. You have become the most destructive dwarf in the history of Serpentshrine.
Your Serpentine Overseer,
Cassandra 'Ke' Icefang, the Slayer of Ancients.
Dear Urist McMilitary,
I started you in full bronze armor after losing several forts to the errant wild life. I started you with combat experience. I even have a butcher and cook on standby waiting for you to massacre anything soft, fleshy, and edible that gets to close. Care to explain to me how you managed to get killed by a lone badger? You had 5 pages of combat log with you beating the badger in the tail with the flat of your sword until he bit your throat and killed you.
Sincerely,
The Overseer who keeps restarting due to badgers
Dear Urist McCook
i know you are a legendary cook, and i'm not, but was looking through your work, and you keep mincing the whip wine flour
by definition, flour, is a powder, please explain your reasoning for mincing, POWDER?
Dear Urist McMiller
i recently found Urist McCook using whip wine flour, whip wine is supposed to be used for booze,
you are supposed to be milling dimple cups.
i know whip wine is also blue, but it cant be used to color clothing
i am not correcting my plan, the whip wine end product is still classified as booze, i leave you up to figuring out how to drink powder
Dear combat team Delta:As a fellow cat owner I completely understand, my cat is fricken crazy and he constantly attacks. You may not believe this, but he literally chased an adult black bear through our woods when he was a few months old (and obviously still too young to have any kind of a brain to let him know that was stupid.) Try living with a psycho cat that thinks he is awesome because he took on a bear and lived.
My bad, I did it. I taught Rat (my cat) that toes were playthings. I would slam into it and pounce on it with my foot. So when I was lounging and playing the first serious attempt at a fort in a while, Rat of course thought it was the perfect time for her to pounce and bite. I alas could not move you to a more defensible position closer to the fort.
I drew blood, just as you. You will be buried with honor. I have no clue how you died, as I was busy fighting off a fierce monster myself, but it was surely not like little nancys. The combat log be damned, you as heros in my eyes.
Your comicly upset overseer
JD
Dear Bleenkis McKoboldthief,
Why did you have to steal the fort's only artifact? Dick move man, dick move.
- Urist McOverseer
to add further insult to injury, a coatl stole his daggerPlease say you mean coati. Otherwise I'd feel robbed of my mod.
Dear Urist McMayor. I know you REALLY like cages, but was it really necessary that you beat your SON to death because he accidentally got a cage sold?Dear Scootagoose,
Your completely baffled overseer, Scootagoose.
Not so much pain, just more bruises. Unless you want to use spears of butter.
Thats not a retirement room. That is a standard military/child training room.
Retirement rooms feature a small room with two pumps.
Dear Urist,
When one of your military buddies dies during a siege, the solution is not to beat the mayor to death.
Dear Elf Liaison,
You are correct, after chopping it down and turning it into bolts it is now just a rude bauble, but I wouldn't go as far as saying it is 'fit only for your kind'. I can 'fit' quite a few of them into your elves.
Come get them back.
Yours,
The Overseer
Reminds me of myponydwarf fort. Leather stockings and thongs EVERYWHERE. it was horrifying really.
Dear Scootagoose,Dear Urist McWagonDriver,
It too us a while to make the pack critters ramp us up there. Was it as awesome as we hoped it''d be?
Signed,
Urist McWagonDriver
Dear urist mcpsychopath
I just saw you bite off a dogs leg. You had a sword and a shield, you could have easily cut it's head off. Why in armok's glory would you do that?!
Your Terrified overseer,
Scootagoose.
Dear Urists,
Why did I have to discover you the week before Finals. Now my life is a wreck and I don't know if I can muster the willpower to study instead of spend time with you. My girlfriend has been tantruming, and I keep getting secretive moods based around crafting a new fort. Get out of my head, and go play in the magma with the goblins. Wait a second.....
Signed, Omeganaut cancels Post Reply, taken by secretive mood.
Dear Mrs. Axedwarfette
You are a strong woman. You are the best warrior in the fort, and have no less than two forgotten beasts among the twelve other kills on your list. I know how it goes with females and armor, but it would really be nice if you wore something more than gauntlets and a troll fur loincloth. There are children about
Unless you modded the game, and added genitalia. Or use a mod that does so.
Dear HFS
How much is rent?
Dear mod creatures,I got that in masterdwarf if it means anything
Dear Greater Badgermen,
Where the hell did you even come from? And will you stop goading the supes into releasing their fun?
Dear Volfgarix:Of course I used it, because that shithead refused to wear helmet, because he had a cap and hood! But he can't wear his normal clothes when I ordered it in his EQ list...
Did you accidentally trigger the "replace clothing" option? That means that they'll throw their clothes off and runa round in greaves and chain mail with zero padding. Rather uncomfortable if you ask me. Other than that I have no suggestions.
Sincerely,
Eric.
Try forbidding his cap; hoods can be worn over/under helms or caps, but helms and caps are both [SHAPED] objects, and only one such item may be worn on a given body part at a given time.
Assign a helmet and make sure the uniform is set to exact match. He should ditch the cap because substitutions aren't allowed with exact matches while letting them keep their own civvies on underneath (His cap would be considered a substitution for a proper helmet with partial match set for the uniform)Nope, it didn't worked, I even tried with new uniform for that faggot, but still nothing...
Huh. That's weird.Yup, about armor, I must wait for first caravan with leather
On fisherdwarves: I find they make excellent draftees in frozen climates.
Set it to replace clothing. After he ditches the cap he'll put on the helmet, then set it back to over clothing and he'll leave his cap on the floor.That's works, thanks.
Set it to replace clothing. After he ditches the cap he'll put on the helmet, then set it back to over clothing and he'll leave his cap on the floor.That's works, thanks.
I've heard of women wanting to give birth underwater before. Now dwarves doing it is because they don't go into labor or anything, the pregnancy timer runs out and a baby is generated on-the-spot. So it can literally happen anywhere, regardless of what the mother is doing. As long as she isn't horribly miserable, she probably won't even miscarry.Anywhere, you say?
Dear World Gen,
Less gold, tetrahedrite and sphalerite, and MOAR IRON ORE!
Fear us and our brass-equipped militia. Yeah. Impressive.
MOAR IRONZ NAO!
Nyx
Dear Overseer,
No.
-sincerely, Urist.
Dear captain of Archer squad one.
next time you decide to brutally murder one of your squadmates in front of five dwarves, do not pin the death on the zombie raven a kilometer across the river,not only will noone beleive you, but the tantrums of a result of a bird getting convicted was just retarded.
sincerely: The mountainhalls.
Dear dwarves:Dear Overseer,
"Urist McMason cancels Construct Building: Creature occupying site."
You're standing in the way, dumbass.
Overseer
Dear Urist, Urist & Urist, AKA: The Pirate Mason Junta[q], move cursor over stockpile, [g], move cursor to workshop, [Enter]. The workshop will now only use stones from that stockpile.
As you well know, construction on the Mk.1 "Kill the World" device has been held up while you construct floodgates. What you *should* know is that your continued insistence on traveling across the entire fort to get to our non-magma-safe stone is resulting in my seriously considering building the Mk.1 in such a way that it cannot be turned off. Unless you would like this to eventuate, please look to the small mountain of basalt and granite next to your workshops. It's been there for half a year now, you must have noticed it.
Dear dwarves:
"Urist McMason cancels Construct Building: Creature occupying site."
You're standing in the way, dumbass.
Overseer
Dear Overseer,
You're in my way, sir.
Move away from there.
That's my mark you're at.
You're in my spot.
-Dwarves.
Dear Tigerhunter,[q], move cursor over stockpile, [g], move cursor to workshop, [Enter]. The workshop will now only use stones from that stockpile.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear player;
We miss you. We were the best of pals! Together we ripped through this world, found treasures and secrets and killed all manner of evils fell and terrible. Even when you led us to become cursed, we held true to you and trusted in you - and our trust was redeemed, for you played well and delightfully.
Not one of our eyes were dry when you retired us; not one of us thought it was joy instead of sorrow to be free from your control as we resumed 'normal lives' as best we could where you released us. But we are no longer normal, and we would prefer to keep our fates entwined with your play.
We think it's awesome that we're together with you again, was it some sort of mistake that we got that message that you don't want us in your fine fortress? This is very hard to understand!
Your loyal, absolutely loyal retired werebeast adventurers,
Ready and willing to follow your play to the ends of the world.
Dear player;
We miss you. We were the best of pals! Together we ripped through this world, found treasures and secrets and killed all manner of evils fell and terrible. Even when you led us to become cursed, we held true to you and trusted in you - and our trust was redeemed, for you played well and delightfully.
Not one of our eyes were dry when you retired us; not one of us thought it was joy instead of sorrow to be free from your control as we resumed 'normal lives' as best we could where you released us. But we are no longer normal, and we would prefer to keep our fates entwined with your play.
We think it's awesome that we're together with you again, was it some sort of mistake that we got that message that you don't want us in your fine fortress? This is very hard to understand!
Your loyal, absolutely loyal retired werebeast adventurers,
Ready and willing to follow your play to the ends of the world.
Dear brain,Dear Very tired year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.
Can you let me sleep now?
Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[
Dear brain,
There are no new posts.
None from Note To Urist.
None from Face Palm Moments.
None from FOTF.
None from Spearbreakers.
Can you let me sleep now?
Signed, a very tired Year 12 student with homework to do in the morning >:[
to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of duty
Dear Urist McMadBlacksmith,
I hereby formally request that you cease and desist your bellowing cries for rock, rock blocks, metal bars and cut gems, when all of the said items are located within two rooms of your illegally seized forge (two floors in the case of the gems).
Dear Miner,Well, y'see here Overseer, these fancy-type gems be one'o me late great-granny's favourites, and seein' 'em reminds me o' her. Surely y'could let a guy remember 'is family for a month'r two?
You are down a hole with no exit and nothing to do but make the staircase and maybe look at some rough gems. WHY ARE YOU ON BREAK!?!
You can barely even tell, they're still rough!Dear Miner,Well, y'see here Overseer, these fancy-type gems be one'o me late great-granny's favourites, and seein' 'em reminds me o' her. Surely y'could let a guy remember 'is family for a month'r two?
You are down a hole with no exit and nothing to do but make the staircase and maybe look at some rough gems. WHY ARE YOU ON BREAK!?!
You can barely even tell, they're still rough!Dear Miner,Well, y'see here Overseer, these fancy-type gems be one'o me late great-granny's favourites, and seein' 'em reminds me o' her. Surely y'could let a guy remember 'is family for a month'r two?
You are down a hole with no exit and nothing to do but make the staircase and maybe look at some rough gems. WHY ARE YOU ON BREAK!?!
Also, why is there a stray hen having a tantrum?
Dear Urist, Urist & Urist, AKA: The Pirate Mason JuntaDear Urist McKiwi,
As you well know, construction on the Mk.1 "Kill the World" device has been held up while you construct floodgates. What you *should* know is that your continued insistence on traveling across the entire fort to get to our non-magma-safe stone is resulting in my seriously considering building the Mk.1 in such a way that it cannot be turned off. Unless you would like this to eventuate, please look to the small mountain of basalt and granite next to your workshops. It's been there for half a year now, you must have noticed it.
Dear retired werebeast adventurersDear Hugo Luman,
For the love of all that is earthy, please stop migrating to my fortress!
to the engravers guild: re: recent engravingsDear enzier,
after looking over your area, your engravings are thus:
a: your lunch (about 45%)
b: the foundation of this fortress (about 10%)
c: defiyi onslaughtlion(elf) taming bobcats(year 39) (about 40%)
d: other non-history (about 5%)
really? this one elf? is that all the worlds history?
it's the year 204, the third year of this fort, surely something other then this one elf(taming bobcats) has mattered in the history of our world?
to Urist McSpearDwarf: Re: unhappy to be releaved of dutyDear Overseer,
you were sent down to the caverns, with two others, to get rid of the troglodytes interrupting our operators there
you preformed admirably, and dispatched them without injury, and then, as you finished your task:
you were unhappy, complainging about being releaved of duty.
even after many months and other tasks, you keep complaining about this
you are hereby being isolated, as the rest of us worry about your growing despair with occationally running out of things to kill
Dear Miners:Dear Niccolo,
I would take it as a kindness if you would live through your first year here. We all need to work together if we want to pierce this aquifer.
Sincerely,
Niccolo
Dear Urist McVampire,Dear UHQ:
Stop going exclusively for my Legendary military dwarves.
Regards,
U.R.I.S.T. HQ
(from masterwork df)Dear Overseer,
Dear migrant fishery worker
If you had arrived in different circumstances, I assure you you would have been sent unarmored against the packs of giant rats in the caverns. I must also assume you noticed the large crowd of mutilated corpse corpse corpse's around our fortress. I congratulate you for encountering and detecting the necromancer.
I admit to curiosity as to how you brought a prototype swordgolem as a pet, but I cannot complain as to the results.
Congradulations, commander of the Geared watch. Your mithril sword is down the hall.
Your grateful overseer.
Dear Demonblood 1,What mod is that, anyways?
Thank you for testing out the thrownaxes. It is, however, unfortunate that you were slain trying to finish off a wounded Iloial. Those plant people are tough, aren't they? Anyway, we've hired a new test subject. Demonblood 2 has been testing the lever-action rifle, using the silver .40-75 Gov't cartridges we supplied. We're thinking about including the .40-75 bit with the rifle's name for convenience.
Sincerely, Psychohorn Weapons Manufacturing.
Dear Urist McMilitia:Mystery solved. All worn items degrade in refuse stockpiles, to help clean up worn clothing faster.
How in the blood soaked elvish hell did you manage to damage your boots? some of them are xbootsx. Why were you storing them in a refuse stockpile? When were you storing them in a refuse stockpile? or were you idiots playing in the hot hot heat of the volcanic anomalies (Places where temp didn't update properly after the volcano was drained). Pleas report to Urist McArmorsmith for a new set of boots.
Dear Urist McCleaner,
Why the fuck don't you dump and clean the mess at the fortress entrance ?
Dear Urist McBoozeMaker,
The fortress is swimming in plants and almost devoid of beer, there are three empty stills and yet you are set on storing items in barrels, hauling stone and taking breaks! The Expedition Leader cannot always be expected to do your job for your lazy self. Kindly perform the task before the whole fort goes mad from alcohol withdrawal.
Yours sincerely,
The Soberseer
P.S. Please stop fabricating these lies about not having any plant material. The next time you cancel the blasted job you shall be having a few rounds with the hammerer!
That's quite the dwarf.Indeed. This requires deeper inquiry.
Dear Expedition Leader
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
All you woman need to be burrowed there, too. Better make lots of crossbows.Dear Expedition LeaderYou do realize what this means, yes? Every above-ground part of your fort needs a ceiling of clear glass o_0
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
Dear Expedition Leader
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
You do realize what this means, yes? Every above-ground part of your fort needs a ceiling of clear glass o_0
There's not a whole lot that can be done about it right now, which is sad (I like bee keeping... animal taming too), but don't hold it personally against the dwarf.
Dear Overlord,
Bees are hard to find. I just go back to where bees were found before, hoping they've made a new nest there.
Sorry,
Urist McFarmerandAdequateBeekeeperDwarf
Beekeeping is currently bugged. Beekeepers trying to install colonies in hives can't keep track of where wild hives have been destroyed, or where new ones have spawned. Consequently they will tend to go back to empty pointless areas looking for bees that used to be there, but have long since passed. There's not a whole lot that can be done about it right now, which is sad (I like bee keeping... animal taming too), but don't hold it personally against the dwarf.
QuoteThere's not a whole lot that can be done about it right now, which is sad (I like bee keeping... animal taming too), but don't hold it personally against the dwarf.Aside from building a 3x3 wall where they keep going- yes not a whole lot.
Dear Urist McJewelcrafter,
While I am happy you are doing some masterwork gem encrusting, please stop doing it to the mechanisms and buckets. There is a statue stockpile right next to you.
Dear Overlord,
Bees are hard to find. I just go back to where bees were found before, hoping they've made a new nest there.
Sorry,
Urist McFarmerandAdequateBeekeeperDwarf
Beekeeping is currently bugged. Beekeepers trying to install colonies in hives can't keep track of where wild hives have been destroyed, or where new ones have spawned.
All you woman need to be burrowed there, too. Better make lots of crossbows.Dear Expedition LeaderYou do realize what this means, yes? Every above-ground part of your fort needs a ceiling of clear glass o_0
Congratulations on the name you chose for our expedition on the one time I decided not to hit random a few times and just went with whatever it would be. No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
Son, I am proud.
Dear Mountainhomes,
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!
Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors
That's actually one of the things Axehonors was founded to work on. I just can't get that started until the fort is stable.Dear Mountainhomes,
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!
Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors
Then see this awesome thread: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.0
Dear Rookie Marksdwarves,Dear Ramen,
I know you guys are new and everything but seriously, there are goblins outside the compound. Can you please shoot them instead of the harmless keas flying around not doing anything? They can't get in and they can't steal anything at the moment. It would be advantageous to both you and the fortress as a whole if you were to divert your arrows to the goblin menace and not the local wildlife.
Sincerely, Ramen.
---
Dear All Marksdwarves, Present and Future alike,
Guys, you are really disappointing me. There is a huge spider Titan spewing webs at you and your comrades, don't focus on the goddamn Keas. Focus on the fucking huge spider, crawling towards you, revving his web slingers. Oh wait, nevermind, that was the last of you. You incompetence has angered me, now, your friends, family and pets will be killed by the spider, had you not been so stupid, you and your sons would be alive.
Ramen.
Dear Fortress friends,
I am so glad to have you all. Well not all of you. Some of you are bleeding useless bastards, four of you are masons but there's rarely even one of you working on making those doors and tables and chairs you need, while you complain all the time about how the mess hall is too full of other dwarves. Speaking of which, since there's too many of you, and so many of you are completely useless, and you take up living space for others, why don't you go away? Why do you keep bringing in distant relatives and inviting immigrants and why do you keep popping off babies on the bare floor just like that, while you're at work? It's awful, do you have no soul? What is wrong with you people? Swear to gods, sometimes I wish the forgotten monster from the deep down cavern (from which we're separated by a thin wooden door, since you can't be bothered to put up that wall we need) would just come up and end our collective dwarven misery.
Yours talkatively,
Overseer.
Dear Fortress friends,
I am so glad to have you all. Well not all of you. Some of you are bleeding useless bastards, four of you are masons but there's rarely even one of you working on making those doors and tables and chairs you need, while you complain all the time about how the mess hall is too full of other dwarves. Speaking of which, since there's too many of you, and so many of you are completely useless, and you take up living space for others, why don't you go away? Why do you keep bringing in distant relatives and inviting immigrants and why do you keep popping off babies on the bare floor just like that, while you're at work? It's awful, do you have no soul? What is wrong with you people? Swear to gods, sometimes I wish the forgotten monster from the deep down cavern (from which we're separated by a thin wooden door, since you can't be bothered to put up that wall we need) would just come up and end our collective dwarven misery.
Yours talkatively,
Overseer.
Why not just enable masonry on some of your cheesemakers and fish disecters?
To: Kor Batteredkings the Death of Tyranny, civilian mason
From: The little voice in your head
RE: Recent developments
I can appreciate that you are a civilian, and that therefore your delicate constitution tends towards blind, gibbering terror when faced with anything larger than your fist that isn't wearing a collar and asking for tummy rubs.
That said, I am also aware of your propensity to run in blind terror from such harmless things as a sponge set up as target practice in the ass-end of the fortress. That's why I set it out in the ass-end of the fortress, eighty tiles away and five floors below your designated burrow.
However, up until now I was utterly clueless as to your mysterious proficiency, unrevealed in Therapist, with thrown objects. Congratulations on crushing the invading dragon's skull with a thrown sock, lucky shot or not you did what five squads of Marksdwarves, three Grand Master Axedwarves, and a Legendary Macedwarf all failed to do (and, in dying in the process, ended our military attempting). You terrify me beyond reason, and will receive a promotion and double-standard barrack once I get the time to excavate something for you.
PS - In saving our fortress from !!FUN!!, you have earned yourself a level in Founders' Tower. We will begin the obsidian farming for your level immediately. Congratulations on being the first dwarf in forty-eight years to earn such an honor.
Dear Overlord,
I can't help it. My sense of duty, my combat training, and my love of my homeland all point to only one solution: engage any and all enemies until they're dead or I am. If I see them, they're going down. Sorry.
Sincerely, Urist McMeatShield
---
If a soldier gets line of sight to an enemy, they will engage, and they won't stop until it's over. If you want to station a soldier somewhere and not have him charge into the fray, you have two options. You can put him somewhere his line of sight to the enemy is blocked (behind a short wall, perhaps). Or you can have him blinded so he doesn't have line of sight to anything, ever.
Yeah, I haven't played with the military too much since 40d, normally in the newer versions I've had traps to deal with invaders and my military was basically just clean-up. This was my first time since "stay close to station" was removed actually having a fair fight against 40ish goblins. I did not realize that nowadays a station becomes completely irrelevant once they see a goblin or a troll.
Yeah, I haven't played with the military too much since 40d, normally in the newer versions I've had traps to deal with invaders and my military was basically just clean-up. This was my first time since "stay close to station" was removed actually having a fair fight against 40ish goblins. I did not realize that nowadays a station becomes completely irrelevant once they see a goblin or a troll.
I'm seriously considering reshaping all my fortress entrances and exits as P-traps to prevent premature charging and render enemy archers mostly harmless.
Dear Urists McEveryoneWithHaulingTurnedOn
Why is it that I have had many things designated for dumping for several seasons and you do nothing yet when I see the cat bring something in and I have to designate it to be dumped you immediately jump to bringing it to the dump?
Also, Urists McMasons
Please don't build a few walls and bits and pieces of the floor and then go off and do whatever, I want those so I can feel as if the place looks good, and having the dirt with the random piece of floor every once and a while does not look pleasing to the eye and I can only imagine what the traders think of us.
Sincerely,
The One Who Controls The Fort
dear urist mcweaponsmith
...rosegold? really man? you were SURROUNDED by steel, silver, iron, pig iron and copper, and what you chose, was rose gold.
now, im not saying that im not happy with the rose gold mace you made...even though we dont currently have a macedwarf in the fort, but really man? you couldnt have picked a better metal?
now before you start making excuses that a demon or ghost possessed you, i call bullshit, i think your just trying to screw with the first macedwarf we get by making me equip him with a pretty purple mace
signed
mildly annoyed oversear.
Dear Dwarves,
Please, PLEASE PRIORITIZE YOUR SHIT. I mean, sure! Go ahead and haul everything and NOT build the god dang drawbridge! It's not like there is a goblin siege approaching from the West or anything!
Sin-fucking-cerely,
Me.
PS: Nevermind, it's too late.
Back on topic:
Dear Urist McBeeKeeper,
I set the "stay inside" alert, and restricted all civilians to that burrow. that includes you and you know it. Stop stepping two tiles outside the burrow looking for beehives, realising you can't go there, and taking the exact same job again, and repeating your little burrow dance. I know dances like this are in your blood - throughout dwarf history, when the overlord says "stay inside" everyone has danced in the doorway - but burrows are supposed to limit what jobs you'll accept, so why are you choosing the bees outside to populate your hive? we have hives inside the burrow ready to split, and you have all your hauling, cleaning, and food/drink delivery labours enables. there is plenty of stuff for you to do inside the safety of the burrow.
Sincerely,
Your migraine-afflicted overlord.
Better late than never: Beekeeping is weird, the hives control where the collect colony job points to and it does not seem to get reset upon job cancellation, so it will try to send out your dwarves to the location it has chosen no mater what. This is why you need to wait until completion of one hive before building another, if two hives point towards the same colony or the job is interrupted and the queen is not installed you wind up with beekeepers starving in the middle of a field. Probably too late to help with your current problems but something to keep in mind in the future.
To: PhysicsProps for THHGTTG reference.
Re: Flying mounts
Dear inanimate force,
It has come to my attention that you were conspicuously absent during my last siege where we entertained war elephants riding Giant Thrips. A post battle analysis indicates that the armor worn by our adversaries alone massed over twice that of any Thrips and that the elephants weighed in at another 3x. Why did you allow the blasted pachyderms to fly? For that matter why were the giant chinchilla mounts not wedged between elephant buttcheaks? The only rational conclusion that can be drawn from your apparent absence in this case is that you are conspiring against this fortress. We shall not let this act of aggression stand, our leading sciencedwarfs have already begun researching how to fire ballista bolts at right angles to reality.
war elephants
I think the bigger question is why physics has allowed Elephants to have armor and siege your fort anyway. But I'm going to guess you only have yourself to blame for that.
I believe we have that, only it's called Boatmurdered.war elephants
I am now imagining an elephant war memorial, with a large plaque that reads: NEVER FORGET
-cackles-I believe we have that, only it's called Boatmurdered.war elephants
I am now imagining an elephant war memorial, with a large plaque that reads: NEVER FORGET
Dear Titan,I cause people to vomit and it's quite ugly. What?
Why you are called Usasp Strapsfrothed "the Ugly Vomit"? It doesn't look good in my military kill list.
Signed
ROTFLing Overseer
Dear Swordmaster,They're calling me WHAT?
After killing fivenoblesinvaders, you earned a title. But why did you call yourself "the Thruthful Finder of Forks"? At least you didn't call yourself the Ugly Vomit...
Signed
Confused Overseer
(PS. Just signed up to post it! Hello everyone :)))Welcome!
On a side note. Dear Undead Fun, where are you?...Not all evil biomes are alike. Some raise the dead and make husks, and some rain blood and house knuckle worms.
On a side note. Dear Undead Fun, where are you?...Not all evil biomes are alike. Some raise the dead and make husks, and some rain blood and house knuckle worms.
Or rain blood and are menaced by... Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.Didn't we lose like three militiants to capybara?
Spearbreakers' evil biome was indeed a humorous disappointment.
Or rain blood and are menaced by... Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.Didn't we lose like three militiants to capybara?
Spearbreakers' evil biome was indeed a humorous disappointment.
Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.
To: Cloud Blazepearls Assaultportent, legendary swordspony
From: Your Overseer
Yes, I am grateful for your saving the fortress from slavers on countless occasions. Yeah, it's great that you have a pages-long kill list. I acknowledge that you are basically god with a chainsword.
However, isn't parrying bullets taking it a bit too far?
STAPH.
I know i've said this before but...
Dear mountain homes. STAPH.SENDING.FISHER.DORFS.NAO.
We're in the middle of a bloody desert, there isn't a single murky pool for miles. Send something useful next time, I've already drafter the last 20 fishers into the army, I don't need any more recruits.
With enough serrated discs, it could happen.Roving groups of capybaras happily swimming the local ponds and weasels.
Capybaras swimming in weasels?
:o
Dear Urist Migrants,
Please come with a skilled armorsmith or don't bother coming at all.
Thanks!
---
The rage when you have 3x furnace+blacksmith+weaponsmiths and not one armorsmith.
Dear Urist McWhoeverplacesdoorswheretheyneedtogo,
There were plenty of wooden doors in the stockpile not five tiles away from you on the same level. You didn't have to run all the way down to your quickly-flooding workshop to grab the door you had just completed. When you're ordered to block off a flooding area, you don't rush into the flooding area to grab the needed materials.
Urist McNewbOverseer
Dear McAlcoholists!
Why the HELL do you insist in going to the prison stockpiles for a drink, especially when you have a much closer and bigger booze only stockpile right next to THE F.ING STAIRS? I even told you that the prison is a restricted area, and explained to all of you that the one next to dining room is the one to be used for drinking. If you insist, I'm more then happy to let you say for extended periods in the dungeons, but right now I'd prefer you all went back to WORK lazy idiots.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood Overseer.
They probably come from one or more floors up and the booze stockpiles in the prisons might be closer, if you just ignore those pesky floors.
Maybe dwarves are pathing to the most recently placed booze stockpiles for their booze? Have you tried designating a new one nearer the fortress which takes from your original?
Dear workers,It helps to turn off the hauling labor on dwarves you want doing other things. Or if you have a job underway that creates many hauling jobs of a certain type(eg woodcutting creates wood hauling and mining creates stone hauling) then you remove the relevant hauling from everyone but the ones you want hauling the relevant items.
While I understand the importance of having organised stockpiles, I'd rather you prioritized your important jobs and do the hauling in your free time. Instead, most of you who aren't on guard duty, in the gym, sleeping, drinking or eating, run around with "store item in a bin" as your stated occupation. While explicitly telling some of you not to carry bins around alleviated the problem somewhat, I'm perplexed that telling you not to work is actually improving things. My intuition was that the bigger the workforce assigned to a task, the more overall work will get done, but apparently I was wrong. In any case the people dying of thirst in the hospital hospital and jobs at the workshops are more important than having neat stockpiles.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I seem to always run into a problem of having 0 idlers and important work grinding to a halt.
Or specialize pure haulers if your fortress is large enough. If micromanagement is your thing then use burrows (although food, beds, etc are sometimes a concern).Dear workers,It helps to turn off the hauling labor on dwarves you want doing other things. Or if you have a job underway that creates many hauling jobs of a certain type(eg woodcutting creates wood hauling and mining creates stone hauling) then you remove the relevant hauling from everyone but the ones you want hauling the relevant items.
While I understand the importance of having organised stockpiles, I'd rather you prioritized your important jobs and do the hauling in your free time. Instead, most of you who aren't on guard duty, in the gym, sleeping, drinking or eating, run around with "store item in a bin" as your stated occupation. While explicitly telling some of you not to carry bins around alleviated the problem somewhat, I'm perplexed that telling you not to work is actually improving things. My intuition was that the bigger the workforce assigned to a task, the more overall work will get done, but apparently I was wrong. In any case the people dying of thirst in the hospital hospital and jobs at the workshops are more important than having neat stockpiles.
Sincerely, Overseer.
I seem to always run into a problem of having 0 idlers and important work grinding to a halt.
Dear Inexplicably Levitating Lungfish (lungfishes?),
Stop that. It's creepy watching you swim around three z-levels in the air. How are you guys even getting up there, anyhow?
-Overseer
The reason is that vermin simply don't obey the laws of physics. Or pathing algorithms and environmental interactions. The only thing that threatens Tweety McLungfish is the dreaded puddy tat.
Dear Overseer,
'Bring to Depot' is an 'all hands on deck' order. _Nobody_ can shirk this duty, labour settings don't matter. If you wanted _me_ to trade, you should have constrained me to a depot burrow or unchecked all 'pending' items from the depot-stocking screen when time was running short. And if i'd been too busy throwing a party afterwards, you could also have set the depot to 'anybody may trade' - they'd still have enjoyed the precise value ratings afforded by my appraisal skill, and obviously, a trade performed by a random rookie trader with shoddy skills still tends to be more useful than no trade at all performed by a legendary broker.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McBroker.
Dear Overseer,
'Bring to Depot' is an 'all hands on deck' order. _Nobody_ can shirk this duty, labour settings don't matter. If you wanted _me_ to trade, you should have constrained me to a depot burrow or unchecked all 'pending' items from the depot-stocking screen when time was running short. And if i'd been too busy throwing a party afterwards, you could also have set the depot to 'anybody may trade' - they'd still have enjoyed the precise value ratings afforded by my appraisal skill, and obviously, a trade performed by a random rookie trader with shoddy skills still tends to be more useful than no trade at all performed by a legendary broker.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McBroker.
There is a clear, wide path to the pasture. Deleting the pasture and then redefining it worked, but I have to wonder if it will happen again.Did you accidentally set the Active setting for the pasture zone to off?
Dear Dwarven Baby,Babies are born with full facial hair.
Welcome to this world! I just realized you were born with braided hair.
Dear Urist McButcher.Ow, my sides. At least he got the job done...what does neatness count for anyway.
Re: work ethics.
And behind your back you found a fresh new "make a dog" puzzle, hardcore edition. Which just made you shrug your shoulders and go have a drink.PFFFFFFFTAHAHHAHAHA
You just made my night. Now I have to play as elfs so I can get butchers to drag gobbo POW's over traps.I don't think you need a butcher for that - the dog was shredded because it was/became unconscious the moment it got dragged over the trap.
You just made my night. Now I have to play as elfs so I can get butchers to drag gobbo POW's over traps.Actually it's a bug I discovered a long time ago in one of my Evil forts. Where formerly caged hostile prisoners somehow triggered the traps while being escorted by a hauler to the Death Pit. Which had been adding a lot of good laughs since said traps were cage traps too. Turns out it works on civies as well, provided they are somehow knocked out prior to that.
Dear Urist McHunter;Dear frustrated overseer,
I know you're trying to kill the badger, but instead of aiming for its kegs and wasting your ammo, how about shooting it in the head?
-The Overseer
Dear Urist Mchauler; I expect you to take the wasted bone bolts, along with the flung off limbs, to their respective piles. You have orders to do so, so do it.
-Your frustrated overseer.
Dear Urist McHunter;DEAR OVERSEER;
I know you're trying to kill the badger, but instead of aiming for its kegs and wasting your ammo, how about shooting it in the head?
-The Overseer
Dear Urist McHunter;Dear frustrated overseer,
I know you're trying to kill the badger, but instead of aiming for its kegs and wasting your ammo, how about shooting it in the head?
-The Overseer
Dear Urist Mchauler; I expect you to take the wasted bone bolts, along with the flung off limbs, to their respective piles. You have orders to do so, so do it.
-Your frustrated overseer.
Perhaps you have forbidden the gathering of refuses outside?
- Perplexed hauler
Dear Expedition leader;
Do not pay attention to the carp symbols on the ground. Do not. That is very bad, and you will be flung into the river with the giant sponge if you do not cease paying attention to the carp symbols- oh, you've already turned into an acolyte. Okay then.
- Your very scared overseer.
Dear carp god;
LEAVE US ALONE!
- A mortal
Dear Urist (DOCTOR);
I wish to write to congratulate you on the fine work you have done for this colony thus far.
I fondly recall the day you arrived as an immigrant. For the first day, we had misunderstood the value you brought to our home, and had you labor away as a common hauler. You did not complain. You even shuffled along those barrels of scorpion vomit with a cheerful and carefree attitude. I wish with every fiber of my being that your mood would rub off on the rest of us. Especially the Mason.
You first came to our attention when you displayed impressive levels of initiative. Faced with that mount of rotting corpses outside, you took it upon yourself to construct your very own slaughterhouse, and for a couple of years, kept our kitchens well stocked with delightful meat of questionable provenance. The quality of life for all increased measurably within days.
You again came to our attention when you took the lessons you learned in flaying creatures alive and applied that to the medicinal arts. When our first dragoon squad got lost and mistakenly laid siege to us, you were there before the rest of us, fishing children out of those bladed traps and pulling them off spikes. I note that already several diplomats from the home territories have sent their own medics to learn from you. I understand that to this day nobody else can graft the skin from a marmot onto a living dwarf and have it take. We are proud of you!
But I do admit that I have one small, niggling concern. While you ability to graft animal parts onto dwarves is nothing short of legendary, we would kindly ask you to limit or abandon your research. I note that we've already had one military dwarf sever his own arm. It is our understanding that you had promised to graft him a dragon's leg for a new arm. I wish to point out that we currently have no dragon, much less one willing to part with a limb. While we have no doubt that, could this be done successfully, that it SHOULD be done, but we ask you kindly that we wait until we have both a willing limb-culling dragon and an armless dwarf already present and available. The militia rosters are thin enough as it is without a surfeit of self amputations.
Your cooperation anticipated,
Labor Manager
DearOverseer;
We are only doin' as you permit. We only hold parties at designated meeting areas. Statue gardens, wells, dining rooms and other physical designations. If you dono' want us to party there then tell us by undesignating the meeting area. Even if you redesignate it later just undesignating for a tick or two will make us stop the party.
And I refuse to dignify your ludicris statement challenging my dwarfiness.
Urist McConspiracy
I believe its always 'm' to designate/undesignate a room, but the room will tell you.With item-based rooms it's 'f' to free up the room and 'r' to remake it.
To the medical staff
I appreciate your dedication and understand your excitement at my having finally built a hospital after almost 5 years without one. That being said, really it might have been kinder to just let those poor bastards form the military die. Really I don't know what you expected to accomplish working on those 4 dwarfs with advanced rot on every single part of there bodies including there bones. Also in future clean up your victims of science when your done.
From the overseer
To the medical staff
I appreciate your dedication and understand your excitement at my having finally built a hospital after almost 5 years without one. That being said, really it might have been kinder to just let those poor bastards form the military die. Really I don't know what you expected to accomplish working on those 4 dwarfs with advanced rot on every single part of there bodies including there bones. Also in future clean up your victims of science when your done.
From the overseer
A day or two ago I'd have been too horrified to ask you what happened.
Now I'm just curious. My sanity meter is drained. This isn't to say that I'm unhappy, I'm just constantly in a fell mood now.
But I digress, what happened and how can I weaponize it?
Dear Urist McMiner,
Why, oh why must you go off of your break, travel down the massive, endless staircase going from the surface to the SMR, mine one piece of stone, then go on break again?
No get back to work dum ass!!!Dear Urist McMiner,
Why, oh why must you go off of your break, travel down the massive, endless staircase going from the surface to the SMR, mine one piece of stone, then go on break again?
Because, Mr. Overseer, those 10 bored haulers won't drag any drink or food down here for me, and that staircase is sooooooooo long. I'm tired! Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?
Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Dear Urist McCraftsdwarf
Look I get it, strange mood and all that new age elf music but leave the armok damned adamantine alone or I will end you.
Wrong Mr Miner. You can create a burrow containing the dig designations. You don't have to reveal a tile to have it contained in a burrow.Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Hah, Mr. Overseer! I've got you beat! You know you can't burrow a miner, he won't dig where he's not burrowed! Power to da Peoples! errr... *burp*... Dwarves!
Wrong Mr Miner. You can create a burrow containing the dig designations. You don't have to reveal a tile to have it contained in a burrow.Hey, while you're at it, can I get a bed, too?No, but I've got a burrow with your name on it.
Hah, Mr. Overseer! I've got you beat! You know you can't burrow a miner, he won't dig where he's not burrowed! Power to da Peoples! errr... *burp*... Dwarves!
Dear Uristette McCook; We have plenty of quarry bush leaves and dwarven syrup. The management would like to remind you that plump helmets are just fine raw, and do not need to be cooked. The next plump helmet ANYTHING you cook will result in severe penalties.z -> Kitchen -> Arrow down to plump helmets, and hit 'c', that'll turn off cooking but leave them available for brewing.
Dear Erith Avuznunok, Hauler, and fey mooder.
We live in, well, under, a desert. Fish, particularly fish with shells, are nonexistant, and we're mostly hunting the parakeets out of existence. I realize that Armok has blessed you with an idea, but it's going to fail. I haven't been buying fish off the caravans, particularly turtles, because we have food overflowing from the storage so badly that I'm smashing food when it rots. We haven't really needed it.
We also have a minotaur that's about to slaughter the next caravan locked up outside the gates. You're basically SOL, my friend.
So, I applaud your intent in becoming a legendary bone carver. I even applaud that you took over the bone carving workshop that was explicitly setup for our existing legendary bone carver. I don't applaud your choice of materials in requiring 3 shells.
Did you notice the door on your way in? Yes, that nice stone door. It's going to be locked shortly, and you in your mood will probably never notice. If I happen to get the caravan in here and we're able to pick up some turtles, you may end up with a pleasant surprise. If not... well... I'm sure we'll find your whithered and starved corpse eventually. We have a nice selection of coffins off in the rock quarry, you're welcome to your pick of them.
-Overfiend.
Dear Overfeind
We could not help but noticing the spark of false hope you have deemed to give our good friend Erith Avuznunok. We would like to bring to your attention the fact that fish bought from caravans come pre-shelled for your convenience. The only way we could possibly acquire shells in this Armok forsaken elf-hole is if we are lucky with the cavern fish or if we create a new fishing hole and allow biogenesis to create some turtles for us.
Sincerely The United Fish Processors Amalgamated Guild Association. (AKA the suicide squad)
Dear Moody Urist McArmorer,
There is no adamantine. There never was any adamantine. There will never be any adamantine here. EVER.
It does not matter that you like it. It will NOT appear. So please quit whining, grab some other metal to decorate that piece of steel with, and get on with it!
>:(
Dear Moody Urist McArmorer,
There is no adamantine. There never was any adamantine. There will never be any adamantine here. EVER.
It does not matter that you like it. It will NOT appear. So please quit whining, grab some other metal to decorate that piece of steel with, and get on with it!
>:(
Is the armourer actually asking for adamantine specifically(x)? Outside of mods, asking for a specific metal instead of just 'metal bars' _only_ happens for the base material of the artefact, not the decorations, and _only_ if your fort has actually produced bars of that metal already. The armourer probably is missing something else.
(x) while DFHack's showmood is great for checking what the dwarf _will_ ask for, it's important to check their progress in the game itself, by checking the claimed building via 'q' (if the dwarf is stuck waiting for a material, to display the in-game demands) and comparing with the i't'ems inside the workshop (items reserved for the mood should be at the bottom of the item list, with the [TSK] tag next to them).
Dear Newly Appointed Urist McMayor.Just manually reelect the old one.
I applaud your recent ascention to the highest non-overseer leadership post of the fortress. You must understand, I was fond of your incredibly strong, durable, and fast marksdwarf captain predecessor, but I understand how politics are, and was waiting to see how your tenure would proceed.
Your first request has been for catapult parts.
I also notice that you are weak, frail, but very fast. For you, Urist McMayor, I have created a special squad. I believe that your humble stature may prove to be disarming towards those hostile to the fortress, and wish for you to go and meet them, so that you may broker peace.
Yours Truly
Your Supportive Overseer.
Dear Citizens of Cryptsandals,
I doubt that I could have made it more obvious for you. The name "Moldath" was not showing up among the list of residents in Dwarf Therapist and someone was not taking advantage of the ample supply of available beer and liquor, so in my wisdom I saw fit to nickname this gentleman "GODDAMN VAMPIRE" for proper emphasis. I then had you folks seal him away in a tiny glass-walled room the very instant an opportunity arose. GODDAMN VAMPIRE has been on display, clearly labeled, for all in the fortress to see, and his smug defiance of the Grim Reaper for the last three years is proof that he carries the foul taint of the night.
Why did you elect him mayor?
With concern,
- Your Manager
(Seriously, all my haulers got interrupted by hauling in their equipment pickup job and _never got new clothes in months_ because they were too busy hauling. This really could use some fixing, like only dropping the old clothes _after_ getting the fresh stuff or making pick up equipment an actual self-maintenance job like eat/drink/sleep which overrides other jobs.)
To Whom It May Concern,
When I set a stockpile to only accept metal thread and cloth - by which I mean only adamantine thread and cloth, since that is the only metal that is inexplicably and exclusively available in a thread form (which, for the record, is one of the dumbest game design decisions in the history of mankind) - I mean "don't put anything but metal items in that stockpile". Conversely, when I set a stockpile to only accept anything but metal thread and cloth, I mean "don't put my fucking adamantine in that stockpile".
While the concept of "don't put shit where it doesn't belong" may be foreign to you dwarves, it is nonetheless annoying when my hospital staff bogarts the best and rarest weapons-grade material in the game to sew up wounds. Furthermore, if this game had any semblance of realism, doing so would result in blood toxicity and likely kill any dwarf stitched up in such a fashion.
Therefore, I implore you, merry band of shit-for-brains midgets, to stop acting like idiots.
Yours truly,
A very irate overseer
P.S. The countess has killed one person and crippled two in a tantrum. Please tell the hammerer to get off his ass and execute the dumb bitch before she throws another one.
Dear Urist McStuckypants.
MOVE, dammit. you're supposed to be installing a colony in a hive. you're hungry. I've removed all your labors. YOU ARE GOING TO STARVE, YOU COLLOSSAL DUMBASS. You have some skill in woodcrafting. I don't want to lose your stupid ass. you constitute 10% of the fort's current strength. you are our animal trainer.
MOVE YOUR DAMN ASS. there's no reason for you to be standing around while you're perfectly health and in the middle of a labor, god dammit >.<
do I have to figure out dfhack to get you to move?
sincerely, your pissed off Overseer.
Dear Urist McStuckypants.
MOVE, dammit. you're supposed to be installing a colony in a hive. you're hungry. I've removed all your labors. YOU ARE GOING TO STARVE, YOU COLLOSSAL DUMBASS.
[problems with adamantine thread stored in 'no metal' stockpiles and non-metal thread/cloth in 'only metal thread' stockpiles]
Unfortunate old bug for the metal threads, might have to lock the door to the adamanite :D
Dear wolf I bought from the elves,
Good job with that snatcher. No really, who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are!
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Dear Forgotton Beasts of Livinggears,-The following appears to be written in some eldritch language that costs you four bookkeepers before one can translate it before the brown note effect on his mind happens-
Why do you all have to have wings and why do the ones of you made of vomit survive magma?
Sincerely,
Overseer
Sadly, the wolf was killed in a goblin ambush. Then the elves sold me a dingo. Strangely enough, most of my deaths have been babies so far.Dear wolf I bought from the elves,
Good job with that snatcher. No really, who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are!
Sincerely,
Overseer.
I like to think of wolves as 'proto-dogs' :D
Dear Urist McComafake.
Stop acting like your in a coma, we destroyed your beds, you went from one bed to another, and now you just lay on the ground. At least move out of the baroness role and stop throwing coma tantrums.
No, he just went into my hospital, laid down and stayed there, I destroyed the hospital trying to get him out of his fake coma. He has only a single injury on his left hand, a small cut from a goblin swordsman.Dear Urist McComafake.
Stop acting like your in a coma, we destroyed your beds, you went from one bed to another, and now you just lay on the ground. At least move out of the baroness role and stop throwing coma tantrums.
You recently fight a FB? Sounds like a syndrome.
PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.Nothing you can do about eating, but you can disallow cooking from the z->Kitchen menu.
Dear Dwarves;Dear Overseer,
It's a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish. And it's a milkfish at that. What's it going to do, stupid look you to death? Stop getting spooked by it and do your.... whatever it is you do at the water.
- The management
PS; Next time I catch one of you cooking or eating one of our prickle berries, which are reserved for brewing, I'll throw you to the oh so scary milkfish. And then lock you outside when the orcs come.
Dear Urist McCrossbowdorf,
Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates.
(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)
Dear Urist McCrossbowdorf,
Your training assignment was to mercy-kill an ogre that had already been shot nearly to death by your squadmates.
(He is...the most terrible marskdwarf in the world!)
Erm... no. Just no. A _good_ archer is not guaranteed to kill an unconscious horse with a full quiver of bolts. An ogre is ten times the size of a horse(*). If you think that marksdwarf is bad, your expectations are just a tiny little bit unreasonable.
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
No, picks are actually really good for headshots. I've never actually seen a pick hit the head and not tear the brain.
(*) a highly-skilled miner cannot directly kill an unconscious ogre - a pick doesn't have enough penetration to reach the brain on unhindered headshots.
No, picks are actually really good for headshots. I've never actually seen a pick hit the head and not tear the brain.
For foes up to ~horses and cows, yes, but for ogres? Didn't work like that for my miners - all master+ and they got 20+ headshots on an unconscious ogre, not one of which was fatal. Well over a dozen 'shattering the skull' hits, no brain damage. It bled to death from severed arteries.
Might be the ugly 'bone fully absorbs force when breaking, fully transmits force when not' bug that makes punches so deadly.
dear urist mcking
please stop sending migrants our way
sincerly someone who wants to have beer
(ps mcking might seem like a sort of bleep but it is in mc king)
dear urist mcking
please stop sending migrants our way
sincerly someone who wants to have beer
(ps mcking might seem like a sort of bleep but it is in mc king)
i don't really want to change the populace cap i will just try to tough it out (ps there is a seige in progress i think the populace could do with a little trimming)dear urist mcking
please stop sending migrants our way
sincerly someone who wants to have beer
(ps mcking might seem like a sort of bleep but it is in mc king)
You can send this message to the game and it will be acknowledged and respected:
Dwarf Fortress - subdirectory "data" - subdirectory "init" - edit file "dinit" (*.txt under windows), set "population_cap" to whatever you find acceptable. Ta-da! no migrants once you're past the threshold.
I think it's even easier with DFHack or LNP.
The game effectively assumes that as long as you haven't reached the cap yet, you're sending every liaison home with a Note to Urist:
Dear Urist McKing,
Please please please send more migrants! We are in desperate need of extra beards to battle this horribly tasty beer flood.
<3, Urist McFortressoverseer
Dear Urist McSuspicious,Lock in room, dump corpses from above. If zombies, flood with magma.
You just made an artifact robe. With images of two Necromancer books on it. Are you trying to tell us something? Either way, we're watching you...scum.
The Overseer of Sackrooter
dear kea'sThis is why I "slayrace kea" whenever I have that problem. Seriously. It's a parrot. How the hell is it going to fly off with a WHEELBARROW? A gem, a trinket, a piece of clothing I could understand. But a WHEELBARROW? Marble blocks are irritating as well. Why isn't there a weight restriction?
stay away from my bags! i need those for seeds!
oh and drop my wheel burrows! you don't even NEED wheel burrows!
Dead Urists McdeadsquadI think that "Doesn't really care about anything anymore" is the standard mode for a DF player. After all, pretty much no one cares one a dwarf dies.
So....you thought it was a good idea to bum rush a group of undead without your weapons or armor...
Enjoy doing the thriller dance.
Sincerely, your overseer, who just doesn't care anymore.
Dead Urists McdeadsquadI think that "Doesn't really care about anything anymore" is the standard mode for a DF player. After all, pretty much no one cares one a dwarf dies.
So....you thought it was a good idea to bum rush a group of undead without your weapons or armor...
Enjoy doing the thriller dance.
Sincerely, your overseer, who just doesn't care anymore.
PS: Why are you black but redheaded? You dye your hair or you just fucked with an autmun tree?
OK, I'm fine with ragging on elves (along with burning them, murdering them, torturing them, imprisoning them within a mountain for all eternity, devouring their children, forcing them to listen to audio-recordings of Atlas Shrugged...), but the whole, "Wooden swords are worthless," thing kinda pisses me off. Case in point:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miyamoto_Musashi
OK, I'm fine with ragging on elves (along with burning them, murdering them, torturing them, imprisoning them within a mountain for all eternity, devouring their children, forcing them to listen to audio-recordings of Atlas Shrugged...), but the whole, "Wooden swords are worthless," thing kinda pisses me off. Case in point:Well, it's a simple fact that all elves issue forth a "Pansy Cloud" that makes all weapons wielded by them utterly ineffective.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miyamoto_Musashi
Dear Overseer,
You have my deepest, and heartfelt apologies! Having seen first hand the fashion in which you administrate our humble fortress, I really did think you would appreciate and love this unique piece of dwarven craftsmanship. It was the next best thing I could provide, aside from a robe from an actual necromancer. I know that such an item would probably have pleased you more, but it is against our code of ethics to take trophies from kills, as I am sure you understand.
Instead, I did my very best to give you a uniquely stylish and artifact quality article of clothing that can be worn over a set of armor, so that you could assign it to the captain of the guard to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies, as well as afford him a lovely x3 defensive bonus for the clothing layer.
I really did think you would be elated with this item, that I fully burned out the inner spark of my dwarven soul to create for you. You have no idea how heartbroken I am that you aren't happy with it. I'd offer to do better next time, but we both know that once the spark is gone, it never comes back.
Please accept my most humble, and sincere apologies.
Urist McClothier
Dear Urist McFarmer,Urist McFarmer cancels plant: No fisher berry seeds
When planting seeds, is it really necessary to take the WHOLE BARREL with you?
Sincerely, your starving fortress.
Allrigth, sorry, sorry.
PS: Why are you black but redheaded? You dye your hair or you just fucked with an autmun tree?
To Armok,
God of profane and relentless bloodshed
We, the elves of (unintelligable swirly gibberish), take GREAT offence at your rather LEWD accusation of sexual inpropriety on our part!
We will have you know, in the most stern words we feel proper to use (being opposed to violence in any form!), that any such profane rumors about how we go about naming our favored trees in our sacred groves in no way, shape, or form involves any of the lurid and blasphemous acts that and your diminutive, tree murdering savages so relentlessly accuse us of!
If you MUST know why some of us have rust colored hair, despite being darkened by the gentle caress of the brilliant sun, it is because our sacred pact with nature forbids us to harm our animal brothers and sisters, and as a consequence, many of us have developed kwashiorkor (http://tmcr.usuhs.mil/tmcr/chapter16/Kwashiorkor.htm), and make use of clever, tight fitting bodices to conceal the bloated deformities it causes in our midrifts. Try as we might, but we just can't get enough protien from muckroots, prickle berries, and ropereeds.
Now that we have sated your PURILE curiosity on this matter, we expect that you will cease spreading such slanderous drivel about our peace loving people!
-- the Elven nation of (incomprehensible swirlies)
Dear Urist McFarmer,
When planting seeds, is it really necessary to take the WHOLE BARREL with you?
Sincerely, your starving fortress.
Dear Urist McFarmer,
When planting seeds, is it really necessary to take the WHOLE BARREL with you?
Sincerely, your starving fortress.
This is my ultimate pet peeve in DF. There is not a single moment of unpaused gameplay where the cancellation messages cease.
> lions that ate the turkeys
Dear Urist McGhost:
I fully understand that nobody wants to be forgotten. I also fully understand the anger you feel, what with no memorials to you being made and your body being left to rot in the sun and your death being caused by a bone carver punching your face into hamburger patty.
What I don't understand is why you murdered the dwarf in charge of engraving memorial slabs.
Regards,
Armok
> lions that ate the turkeys
Why do you keep your turkeys outside? Or did the lions get into your fort?
Dear Pegasus Mcponi;
Get off
The damn
ROOF.
YOU HAVE WINGS
YOU CAN FLYYYYYYY
GET OFF THE ROOF
-OverColt Doof
Dear Urist McMigrant,
Why do you have a crown made from the nails of a dead dwarf?
-Armok
Dear Urist McImmigrant,
The useless children you insist on bringing here with you will be used to train medical dwarves. You have been warned.
Also, your damned unbutcherable pets will be caged and I will find a way to kill them. The macedwarves hunger.
- Overseer Lars
Dear Elven army:
Get the fuck out of my fort.
Armok, with increasing wishes to kill you...
Hah! I'll not fall in that again...Dear Elven army:
Get the fuck out of my fort.
Armok, with increasing wishes to kill you...
You know, all you have to do is invite us over, & we'll gladly chase those elves out. & the goblins, & the elephants, & the migrant children, & the nobles... really, we be happy to get rid of anyone you don't like! All we ask is that you scrape some hardened cotton candy off our ceiling for us - we can't reach it, you see, even with the acrobats. We believe it's located underneath your.
With Warm Regards, Ringmasters Shift & Seven
Dear Elven Merchant:
How the fuck did you fall into my river together with your donkey?
I am deeply sorry that you broke your spine when you fell down the waterfall and then died, but seriously, the bridge is wide, how did you fall?
Do you know your superiors now think I stole all the stuff you left in my river after falling? See what you done, you little tree hugger?
Sincerely,
- Fort Overseer.
Dear Elven Merchant:
How the fuck did you fall into my river together with your donkey?
I am deeply sorry that you broke your spine when you fell down the waterfall and then died, but seriously, the bridge is wide, how did you fall?
Dear Every Civilian:
Our soldiers all just died horrible deaths. The solution for that is not to run onto the battlefield for no reason and get yourself killed.
~Irontomato
Dear Frogman:
I don't want to know why or how you entered my fort, neither I care about the child you pushed of a 20 z-levels waterfall, but his parents do, so stop it, you ruined my fort pushing that little bastard.
Dear Urtist Mc Theshittiestmilitiaever:
Shoot the frogman on the face! Not on the foot, not in the crotch, in the face!
Dear Shiosdhdfijsohxibiringui, kobold thief:
My fort is on a delicate tantrum situation rigth now, a couple is punching the mayor, the militia is being fucked up by a frogman, so leave that iron dagger on the floor and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET* :P)
[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET* :P)
And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!
[ ... ]
(Exhibit B in my "Kobolds are behind/control everything and use other races as a distraction" theory *GET* :P)
And to think that they called you MAD! HOW could they? but this will SHOW THEM! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!!!
Dear Goden McNecromancer, mayor of Murkyroads,
I understand that you enjoy the company of the dead, but others do not. This disagreement is not reasonable grounds for turning others into a part of your unholy legion of the damned. I respectfully ask that you stop, as this behavior is a danger to the others that live within our fine city.
Oh, wait. You are the only resident. I wonder why...
At least get the troll corpses reigned in, as their rampant destruction of public property will not be tolerated.
Sincerely, the voice in your head.
You may just have to have him lock himself in an area to construct a trap to lure the trolls in and then trap them/smash them under drawbridges.
It's a little late to save this fort, when he migrated in it was right next to a dead ambush, so there wasn't a chance from the beginning. There were over 500 corpses walking around last I checked, and that's not counting the ones that could still be resurrected. The death toll is far too high for any more migrants to even think about coming. That and a ghost just murderized him, so the city is done.
But ... but ... my socks ! They're gonna be wet ! I need you to stop making me digging stuffs that cause this ! Pleeeeaaaaaase !
Dear Urist McMinerLazy
You have pick.
You had food and booze recently. You slept very well. You are one of the lucky dwarves with no hauling job.
The tiles right in front of you is marked to be mined.
Please proceed.
I have no idea why you insist on doing nothing for no reason, but it cannot be tolerated for long...
Regards
Overseer, and the whole fort waiting for bedrooms
But ... but ... my socks ! They're gonna be wet ! I need you to stop making me digging stuffs that cause this ! Pleeeeaaaaaase !
Dear Urist McMinerLazy
You have pick.
You had food and booze recently. You slept very well. You are one of the lucky dwarves with no hauling job.
The tiles right in front of you is marked to be mined.
Please proceed.
I have no idea why you insist on doing nothing for no reason, but it cannot be tolerated for long...
Regards
Overseer, and the whole fort waiting for bedrooms
But Sir, the burrows you have allocated for us ends at this wall. I cannot dig through here or the Hammerer will come and spank my ass for venturing outside the designated areas.
I mean, the invasion ended six months ago but there must still be something lurking outside since we are still under invasion alert. Get the Urist McSwordman to mine it, he's qualified to step outside the burrows.
Dear Mason:
JUST REMOVE THE DAMN WALL. IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS!
~IronTomato
Dear Urist McMarksdwarf
You have all 25 copper bolts in you quiver, so you can shot 25 times! Don't go back to resupply when you still have 22 bolts!
Your Boss.
I don't know, what causes it. DFHack? Or maybe singe bolt stacks? It doesn't help that much when they go to get more bolts after few shots.Dear Urist McMarksdwarf
You have all 25 copper bolts in you quiver, so you can shot 25 times! Don't go back to resupply when you still have 22 bolts!
Your Boss.
Wait. You can get them to go back for resupply?! I'm not sure I'd be upset at this, personally.
LOL!, nice fake-response.
Edit: After I assigned him to a burrow over a bridge in an attempt to re-injure him, he shut up anyway, so.... I guess THAT works.
To any of you drunken bearded dunderheads,
Why the hell are you CARRYING the wheelbarrow back to the stockpile? It rolls. It rolls faster with a ROCK in it. Put a damn rock in it and ROLL it!
-Overfiend.
To any of you drunken bearded dunderheads,
Why the hell are you CARRYING the wheelbarrow back to the stockpile? It rolls. It rolls faster with a ROCK in it. Put a damn rock in it and ROLL it!
-Overfiend.
Dear Urist McNamesTheFort
(I never choose a name for my group or fort)
You chose a name that I find does not show our dwarfyness well enough, I mean, Agelesscuddles? At least you sent The Crystaline Spear group to it, but Agelesscuddles? And not a cat in sight.
Dearest Overseer,That in-character explanation of game mechanics was... beautiful.
(snip)
The illustrious and ecsoteric order of stone masons.
Dear idiotic colorful ponies;
That green, roiling cloud of dust coming towards you? It's irradiated. Stay OUT of it.
-Overseer of Applebuck
Dear Urist McBoneCarver
My hunters just took down and butchered FIVE unicorns. I set aside a special stockpile and workshop just for them so you can make them into valueble crafts while using all the yak, cheetah and honey badger bones you have laying around for the bolts. Why did you interpret this setup to mean "Immediately use all the unicorn bones for bolt making" We could have bought a lot more crap from the first caravan if we had those crafts!
There is flat sand to the south and west of you. There is flat stone to the north and east of you. I have used EVERY trick I can think of to get you to NOT stand there.
What the hell is your malfunction?
... Seriously, I had to traffic restrict the square so you... ARGH. Well, you built it... finally.
Dear overcolt doof,
Everypony knows that sending a pony to kill another pony from the herd without that pony being labeled a threat to the herd first, causes the pony that did the killing to be ostracised and labeled a threat to the herd! Ordered murder is still murder! Further, any pony that kills that ostracised pony will themselves be likewise ostracised and branded!
This means that by ordering me to kill that pony, you have made me an enemy of the herd! I am just defending myself from every other pony!
[Note, look up "loyalty cascade" for more.]
--Moral Daggertrees
Dear Urist McFisherdwarf,
I know the mussels you keep catching in the brook are of the utmost importance to this outpost's survival, but next time invaders attack to slaughter our animals and rape our women (or men if the invaders are elves) please come inside and do not go outside if I give the alarm to go back inside. I already passed a not to Urist McUselessPeasant who, if you remember, went outside during the last siege, walked around a bit and headed back inside again. Please refrain from doing any of this.
Yours truly,
Urist McMayor
(Mumbles about doublepostings...)
Dear overseer,
Do you honestly expect me to hang onto this sewerbrew factory for an entire year, before abandoning it to run rampant in the fortress?
Honestly, I threw that turd sausage machine in with the carp ON PURPOSE, OK?
It isn't like we have some kind of filtration system in the fortress to suck up all those aweful spores my husband keeps shedding everywhere now do we? What would YOU do if after getting married, you suddenly got preggers and popped every year, like it or not? Eh? EH?
I'm a military woman, and can't stand being tied down like that, and so far no-one has seriously considered the prospects of adoption in this game, and I find the whole "the woman's place is in the home" type theme here to be more than just a bit sexist, M'kay? I married that drunken lout to have somebody clean the room while I'm out on patrol, not to make little baby meatshields.
I threw the baby into the water. Deal with it. I will pretend to be heartbroken when it dies, but trust me, it's just a show for everyone else. Forget about that diaper pail.
Mosus Kuletkubuk, Hammerdwarf
Dear Overseer,
We are equally surprised to be here. We suspect that you have been tampering with the laws of nature, and have somehow (looks in arcane, ropereed bound book) "Duplicated entries in the Raws" (stops reading) somehow. The book of arcane knowledge says that if you do that, unpredictable things can happen, and right now, we are just happy we aren't slugmen, or kittens, and that our wagon is not made out of frozen gloom.
Sadly, we can do nothing about this problem, nor can you do anything about it. The book warns that this can only be solved by the complete and utter destruction of such worlds, and the redaction of the perverse changes made, as once the world is generated with the "Twisted Raws", it can never be put right again.
We are terribly frightened, and dont really know what a "Duplicated raw entry" is, but by the sounds of it, the consequences are quite severe, and the bizarre nature of our condition seems to fit the description penned within the book's pages. We are mortified at the idea that we must be completely destroyed, and cannot be redeemed!
Can you not just choose to overlook our afflictions, and try to command us misfits anyway?
Huddled together from both fear and cold,
--Confused elven fortress settlement party
If it is a duplicated raw problem, then you should at least be able to play the game normally despite being elves, as the issue would not be in the dwarven entity
If it is a duplicated raw problem, then you should at least be able to play the game normally despite being elves, as the issue would not be in the dwarven entity
I read somewhere that the game open up other civs to play in certain conditions (like when there is no living dwarf in the world anymore).
Dear Urist McPlanter,
We DO have Plump Helmet Spawns.
Dear Urist McStartingSeven,
Keas are small, small birds. You could probably wring one's neck just by looking at it funny. Why does our only pick now belong to the bastards?
- Urist McOverseer, vowing never to pick "play now" ever again.
Dear Brewer Vampire,
While your services as head brewer have been greatly appreciated here at Deerbasements...
Your slightly miffed overseer,
Lone Chipmunk
P.S. Just so you know, this is not an attempt to wall you into a location because you ate our best planter. Not even close.
While he's busy pushing papers you can also set up a still (and possibly a farm plot) in his chambers, and have him grow and brew in privacy. It'd be a rather elaborate setup, but you could dump barrels and plants (if you don't give him a farm plot) down one chute into his quarters with a food stockpile at the bottom so plants don't rot, give him the order to brew like mad, and then order him to dump them down another chute that gives your dwarves access to the prepared booze. In this way he could, at least when you're willing to pay attention to him, ply his trade and supply some legendary drinks for your dwarves over the years.
Notice to all fortress members;
Please, for the love of all that is armok-y, learn to use a single file line. This past month, we've lost 10 important citizens to being knocked off the volcano edge into the magma/lava, and we can't afford to lose any more dwarves. Every time you cluster around the opening, you risk knocking your fellow dwarves into the lava along with the trash you've been ordered to dump in.
- Overseer Doof.
Is there a way to prevent this kind of thing from happening? I ordered a dumping of random garbage into the volcano, and I lost a few dwarves to the volcano somehow.
You can try putting them all on masonry duty to build coffins and slabs, and engrave and install them and entomb the dead before the dead increase the number of the dead by making the peasants dead.
Dear Urist McPumpoperator
I appreciate your enthusiasm for your job. I built a pump next to the ocean to both draw up some water and desalinate it and you ran right to it when I asked for someone to operate it. I even made a channel on the other end for the water to drain into after you pumped it.
However, you must have been trying impress somebody because you went at that pump like it was a freaking Olympic sport, pumped so much water that it overwhelmed the ditch, flooded onto the ground and washed you away into the ocean.
Perhaps in the next life you'll learn to take it easier.
P.S. I autodumped your corpse and other stuff onto land so that you could at least get buried.
Dear Urist McEveryone,
Please stop suspending work you can clearly do without problem. You all are just being lazy good for nothings. Keep this up, and I will have the miners dig greedily and too deep.
Work harder,
LoneChipmunk
Dear Urist McCapitan of the guard, legendary bowyer, badass marksdwarf rare migrant with 178 kills to your name but aren't a vampire.
You are a badass, but when your dumbass squad decides to charge the goblin invasion and I tell you all to pull back, please please please pull back rather than attempting a last stand.
Oh and Dear Urist McMasons. That 1x1 hole you left in our wall that the marksdwarfs decided to charge out of? Yeah that better get built NOW or I'm filling it with a stone slab and your names will be carved on it.
That's why the "anyone can trade" option exists.
That's why the "anyone can trade" option exists.
Yeah, but if anyone can trade, you won't get values for items, meaning you'll have to guess on the worth of your trades.
Plus, who doesn't like a good dwarf lynching?
stuff....I never knew that. Well, you sir just taught me something incredibly useful. Also, magma. The answer to your problem is large amounts of magma, as he's a lye maker, and even if he's good at it, lye makers are quite common. So magma, or anything that will induce death in him.
Yes, we're also a bit worn out on this fort, so there hasn't been much call for your legendary lye-making skills (although we much appreciate having about 200 bars of rock nut soap). But your fervent use of your mandating powers whenever you can take time out from your busy schedule of hauling rocks, chatting with outpost liaisons and spawning dwarf babies with your wife, the mayor, is getting tiresome. "Make spears!" "Make mittens!" "Make more spears!" "Lest I forget, don't you dare export the precious Mittens!" etc. ad nauseam.
You can try buying populations animal-men off the elves and hope that they socialize enough to get elected mayor. You'll need quite a few of one species, though. Breeding them is always a possibility.
Oh, yeah. They can't be caged or pastured, because sentient pets need to eat, and dwarves won't bring them food or water. Alternatively, animal-men of varieties which would normally require grazing must be provided proper pastures along with an included water source, because they must graze.
Not sure what a cave swallowman would eat though, seeds?
Dear Ponies of Bucklace;IS THIS REALLY DWARF FORTRESS
Stop....err..... actually, you're doing good. Keep up the good work, and you shall be rewarded with nicer houses and little things that make life better for you simple little guys.
- Expedition leader Doof
Dear Ponies of Bucklace;IS THIS REALLY DWARF FORTRESS
Stop....err..... actually, you're doing good. Keep up the good work, and you shall be rewarded with nicer houses and little things that make life better for you simple little guys.
- Expedition leader Doof
Siggy!QuotePlus, who doesn't like a good dwarf lynching?Granted, that's a valid point.
Attention Military of Mountainhome Showerbolt,This is by far the funniest thing I've seen all day.
(http://s13.postimg.org/pvedja3h3/great_gassy_ass.jpg)
That's right guys, the great ass of gas. We've officially dug too deep.
-Zafon McKing
That's right guys, the great ass of gas. We've officially dug too deep.
-Zafon McKing
Dear Mr. Mayor,
No. We will not make more gauntlets for you. Especially an odd number of gauntlets. The smiths have more than enough work to do, already, what with the pump stack and all.
Besides, we still have plenty of other armor to try on, so why don't you try some of that? It's good to expand your horizons when it comes to armor types. But seriously, the fortress is overflowing with it. Besides, if you put it on, it MAY just help you, should you decide to order the construction of more gauntlets.
Your overlord,
Poisoned Salami
P.S. What the heck do you need three gauntlets for anyways?
Dear Mr. Mayor,
No. We will not make more gauntlets for you. Especially an odd number of gauntlets. The smiths have more than enough work to do, already, what with the pump stack and all.
Besides, we still have plenty of other armor to try on, so why don't you try some of that? It's good to expand your horizons when it comes to armor types. But seriously, the fortress is overflowing with it. Besides, if you put it on, it MAY just help you, should you decide to order the construction of more gauntlets.
Your overlord,
Poisoned Salami
P.S. What the heck do you need three gauntlets for anyways?
Beard
Dear Reclaim Party,My friends, this is proof that the mountainhomes both HAVE knowledge of teleportation, and are withholding this knowledge from us. We cannot accept this transgression. We must rebel. Can you imagine what we could do with such power? We are dwarf fortress players. Think of the power we could harness. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!
Wow. Just wow. I already kind of suspected that you guys drop wagons from some kind of large bird or something, but this is nuts. How on earth were you able to even get the wagon into that room? It's barely big enough to fit, and yet you somehow managed to drive a three tile wide wagon through a one tile wide door. I know it's a bit cold here in spring, but that seems a little excessive, to jam a wagon into a hatching room. Kudos on breaking reality, now take the wagon apart. I want to set up egg production in here.
-Baffled, BumblemeadSpoiler (click to show/hide)
WOW, i guess i am lucky. The mayor likes gauntlets, and the baron likes maces.Dear Mr. Mayor,
No. We will not make more gauntlets for you. Especially an odd number of gauntlets. The smiths have more than enough work to do, already, what with the pump stack and all.
Besides, we still have plenty of other armor to try on, so why don't you try some of that? It's good to expand your horizons when it comes to armor types. But seriously, the fortress is overflowing with it. Besides, if you put it on, it MAY just help you, should you decide to order the construction of more gauntlets.
Your overlord,
Poisoned Salami
P.S. What the heck do you need three gauntlets for anyways?
BeardSpoiler (click to show/hide)
Seriously though, you got lucky. A noble who likes armour and weapons is much preferable to one who wants useless junk.
My favorite is one who likes bolts, that way I get reminders to make ammunition from time to time.
You may now call me "Baron Von Salami"
Also, why is that image so huge?
ps, really sick of hearing everyone else's belly aching about drinking nothing but dwarven wine.. grab some strawberries or something in the outside plots!!!
How did your recruit get killed by a vermin fish?
It may have been a different fish. It was something that shouldn't have been able to kill him.
That was it.It may have been a different fish. It was something that shouldn't have been able to kill him.
MILKFISH!
Did the fisherdwarf die via drowning or as a result of wounds? Though I suppose a fish could always get a lucky shot to the skull, what with the paper thin skulls right now.The fish did some good damage to the dwarf, but he eventually died from drowning.
Dear, Urist mcCheesemaker,
Get out.
Signed, Urist McOverseer
Dear, Urist mcCheesemaker,
Get out.
Signed, Urist McOverseer
From Urist McCheeseMaker, to my beloved overseer:
B't ae' dinnae' have anywhere else tae' go! An' if I gae' bach' tae' th' mountaenhome', ae'll bae' executed faer' naet' dooin' me' job! An' if ye' dinnae' like me, put me tae' work dae'n somethin' mae're useful! Laek' haulin', er' stone smoothin'!
-Urist McCheeseMaker
Dear Urist Novice Cheesemaker::o
I think it's time we had a little posthumous chat.
You may have noticed that I took a low opinion of your skills (such as they were) when you came to my fort. All you ever did was loaf around, eating and drinking, and you had nothing useful you could do. I didn't have time to train you up. You may have wondered why the therapist started calling you your new nickname, "Useless". Well, yeah... that was me.
Still, at the end, when I needed that 45 z-level well shaft dug down to the cavern lake, you were the dwarf I picked. You did a wonderful job, and I noted that on your slab. Sorry about that last drop, but hey, you said you were thirsty midway down... drink up, my friend.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
You've all been outfitted with =oaken bows= and all the wood bolts you can carry for training.By =oaken bows= do you mean crossbows or...?
Dear Baron Idiot:
It is NOT POSSIBLE to make a bed out of trifle pewter, no matter how much you demand it. It's not. Can't be done. Go down to the red lake, pull the lever, and enjoy.
Perhaps your successor will be more reasonable.
Overseer
not really frustrated but kinda puzzled.
Dear Bomrek Oslanmesir,
Please explain this statue to me. How do you settle a dingo? Much less a giant one?
(http://i42.tinypic.com/2nknksw.png)
head-scratchingly-puzzled, your lord and master,
krg
unless it is a city type name maybe?
note: i am running the lfr mod if that makes a difference
Dear Urist McDoctor,
The administration commitee would like to thank you in your efforts to heal the 6 injuried dwarves from the last goblin siege. Your competence has been noted many times in the last years on helping miners with broken bones and hunters in profuse bleeding.
What we would like to know if why you insist in leaving the bolts stuck in your comrade's bodies. We have now 5 dwarves walking around with silver and copper crossbow bolts sticking out of their limbs. We understand Christmas is near, but making a christmas tree out of living dwarves is unacceptable unless you're the Overseer. Its important to overstate the gravity of this situation.
The administration commitee of Bellstrusted.
DearMothersUrist McDuggars,
I do realize that I had babies turned way, way low for about 5 years. turning them back up a bit does not mean it is time to start dropping them out over and over. some of you have had kids 2-3 times. Seriously, did you just have them all stored up inside there until I said MOAR BABBIES!? Your uteri are NOT clown cars. I'm turning it back down and leaving it there.
DearMothersUrist McDuggars,
I do realize that I had babies turned way, way low for about 5 years. turning them back up a bit does not mean it is time to start dropping them out over and over. some of you have had kids 2-3 times. Seriously, did you just have them all stored up inside there until I said MOAR BABBIES!? Your uteri are NOT clown cars. I'm turning it back down and leaving it there.
Try
[BABY_CHILD_CAP:100:50]
inside d_init.txt
The above parameters mean that the number of children is capped at 100 absolute, or 50% of the total population whichever is smaller.
And of course, adjust POPULATION_CAP however you want.
Dear Obok Charmedpaddles of Lanternballs,
our very first Hunter and the only source of food for two seasons,
I overseer'd generations of dwarwenkind silently, facepalming from time to time. Even when one of our best craftsdwarves created barn owl leather dildo (http://cs407729.vk.me/v407729771/ad5/Sc_gAwkzMz4.jpg) (true story!) I kept my silence (while purging whole settlement with water). But you... you forced me to break eons of my silence.
You.
Headshotted self.
With a Barn Owl.
Your well-placed shot mutilated that poor bird. Bird corpse fell right on you, knocking you out of consciousness. I have no gol-dern idea what prevented you from taking sidestep and/or catching it. It is not that heavy nor fast to be unavoidable. Looks like getting hit in a head with an owl corpse is a thing you desired. Why don't you join that barn owl loving craftsdwarf I mentioned earlier? Think about it while having rest in our Hospital.
Sincerely,
frustrated Hengikjoptr of Lanternballs,
the Overseer.
Dear Urist McDecapitated,
cc: squadmates,
Please provide, in three copies, a written report on why you found the bolts stockpiled in the archery galleries and armory unsuitable for use during the latest goblin ambush and instead chose to go and get the bolts laying around outside, in the process getting your heads lobbed off and your guts pulled out.
Best regars,
The Manager
Boss,
In the future, keep the bolts lying around outside Forbidden. Then we know not to reuse the spent ammo. Then again, it was pretty dumb of us, you'd think we'd have the common sense to not do that to begin with, eh?
Urist McGhostly
Dear Citizens of the Stilled Hames,
Nearly everyone one of you lost either a father or a son today due to a military mistake. Please try not to panic. Apparently webs and flames are a deadly combo.
Good news though, CONSCRIPTION HAS BEEN EXTENDED. ALL NON ESSENTIAL LABORERS ARE ORDERED TO THE DEPTHS, this is not unrelated to the high casualty rate. Proceed with haste, crossbows and steel armor has been provided for you.
Regards,
Your Overseer
Dear entire militia,
Kill the troglodyte. Is that such a difficult concept for you to grasp?
Love,
IronTomato
Dear IronTomato:P
it's a mean looking troglodyte and trying to kill it would ruin our sleep/party
Love,
Your entire militia
Dear IronTomato:P
it's a mean looking troglodyte and trying to kill it would ruin our sleep/party
Love,
Your entire militia
Dear Religious Guy,
Life is most certainly not, in a word, death.
Love,
Adventurer
SnipYeah, your title reminded me of that.
SnipYeah, your title reminded me of that.
Seriously, I think there should be a restriction so that people don't say "Life is in a word death".
Notice to the residents of Omermeng —
I realize that the main component of the artifact chain created by our prized jeweler is, in fact, a gem. Morion to be specific. I also realize none of the stockpiles that are set up to handle chains are set to allow gem-based chains.
I must however regret to inform you that, despite my godly abilities, I am currently unable to mark "Gems" as one of the materials allowed into those stockpiles. I was hoping you would infer that gems would be OK based on the fact that no materials were in fact excluded from the list, but alas this doesn't seem to be the case.
So if you would store the chain in the Artifact Chamber to await installation, this would be much appreciated. I do appreciate your ability to construct chains where they are needed, but I do not need to construct an artifact chain at this time, and wish to protect it from common thieves. Protestations that we are on an island without typical mainland threats such as goblins and probably kobolds will be ignored.
—Overseer
Manager: post this note on the public bulletin board once it is constructed. I trust the dwarves of Omermeng are able to build bulletin boards.
Notice to the residents of Omermeng —
I realize that the main component of the artifact chain created by our prized jeweler is, in fact, a gem. Morion to be specific. I also realize none of the stockpiles that are set up to handle chains are set to allow gem-based chains.
I must however regret to inform you that, despite my godly abilities, I am currently unable to mark "Gems" as one of the materials allowed into those stockpiles. I was hoping you would infer that gems would be OK based on the fact that no materials were in fact excluded from the list, but alas this doesn't seem to be the case.
So if you would store the chain in the Artifact Chamber to await installation, this would be much appreciated. I do appreciate your ability to construct chains where they are needed, but I do not need to construct an artifact chain at this time, and wish to protect it from common thieves. Protestations that we are on an island without typical mainland threats such as goblins and probably kobolds will be ignored.
—Overseer
Manager: post this note on the public bulletin board once it is constructed. I trust the dwarves of Omermeng are able to build bulletin boards.
You could just build it in the artifact chamber, forbid it, and set it to be deconstructed......
Or better yet, use it in the communual well.
Or they get hammered...
Dear Farmers:
There ARE plump helmet spawns. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
No love,
~IronTomato
Dear Farmers:
There ARE plump helmet spawns. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
No love,
~IronTomato
Dear outpost liasion,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAMMIT MY BARON'S ROOMS AREN'T EVEN UP TO SNUFF YET WHY ARE YOU PROMOTING HIM TO A COUNT ALREADY YOU DICK
Argh,
Overseer of Orbeagles
This made me laugh quite a bit. :PDear Farmers:
There ARE plump helmet spawns. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
No love,
~IronTomato
But Boss, when Catten has 'em, then me and Urist can't find 'em! So there might as well not be any t'all. Surely ye can see my logic, laddie.
Fath McFarmer
Dear citizens of Mountainbore
I understand that at this time we have citizens only policy at our burial chambers, but there is a large, working refuse pile just outside the fortress neatly inside the safe perimeter. There is absolutely no justification for leaving your dead guineachick laying in the dining room. The miasma it generates aint going to make you any happier.
dear Urist McCooker
STOP LEAVING MEAT INSIDE BUTCHERY FOR MONTH AND THEN TANTRUMING BECAUSE OF MIASMA for love of ARMOK !!!
Dear goblins of The Complex Terror currently fucking around in my HFPD:
Dudes. Stop trying so hard. You're not going anywhere, so turn off that siege marker already.
Sweetest regards,
Overseer of Orbeagles
PS: How's it smell down there? :D
Dear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
Dear goblins of The Complex Terror currently fucking around in my HFPD:
Dudes. Stop trying so hard. You're not going anywhere, so turn off that siege marker already.
Sweetest regards,
Overseer of Orbeagles
PS: How's it smell down there? :D
It's quite a bit like home, actually-- you disgustingly corpulent waste of skin. I wouldn't expect a bunch of hairy faced cheese eating lushes like yourselves to understand how the delicate aromas of the troll herds and slave cages mingle to produce the unique bouquet that is a PROPER *GOBLIN* fortress, what with your constant vomit inducing binge drinking, repulsive legal system, and stilted social lives-- Even the screams down here are quite soothing and nostalgic to us!
And no, we WONT be giving up so easily, you stupid, mushroom-sucking sycophant! We will siege your hideous blight of a fortress until every last one of us dies trying, and I mean EVERY LAST ONE-- Even our kindred in The Complex Terror back home-- Our deaths will only strengthen their resolve!
signed,
Gobbo McLasher
Lasher for The Complex Terror
C/O Orbeagles;
HFPD complex
[attached is a crude drawing of Orbeagles on fire with arrows shooting all over, surrounded by angry goblins making various forms of provocative gestures and poses, as other goblins appear to be shearing dwaven beards off and making yarn and other mockeries from the shaven hair. The words "Dwarves are fools; Goblins Rule!" have been hastily scrawled over the top, along side the phrase "What we're gonna do to you when we tear down your little fortress" in the margins near the illustration.]
Dear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
We're all just too lazy to find somewhere else to drink- we're too busy drinkin' to think.
Besides, if we fight the siege, we'll be killed! Better just to sit here and have a good time while we safely wait it out.
From Wardrock with Love,
Urist
Dear armok I am writing really fast as the goblins are banging on the door Ill make this short I'm sorry fer drinkin in the depot but I need some fresh air every once in a while and if I don't have a break erry five minutes I get ornery and grumble at the weather and I need alcohol before I can kill the goblins thank ya for your time love UristDear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
We're all just too lazy to find somewhere else to drink- we're too busy drinkin' to think.
Besides, if we fight the siege, we'll be killed! Better just to sit here and have a good time while we safely wait it out.
From Wardrock with Love,
Urist
important clarification:my depot is on the OUTSIDE.you'd think that having a unit of lashers charging at them while their crossbowmen buddies positioned themselves around them would get them to heed my alarm and get to the main fortress,but no...
Dear armok I am writing really fast as the goblins are banging on the door Ill make this short I'm sorry fer drinkin in the depot but I need some fresh air every once in a while and if I don't have a break erry five minutes I get ornery and grumble at the weather and I need alcohol before I can kill the goblins thank ya for your time love UristDear dwarves of WardrockDear Armok,
Stop drinking at the depot.Especially during a siege.
We're all just too lazy to find somewhere else to drink- we're too busy drinkin' to think.
Besides, if we fight the siege, we'll be killed! Better just to sit here and have a good time while we safely wait it out.
From Wardrock with Love,
Urist
important clarification:my depot is on the OUTSIDE.you'd think that having a unit of lashers charging at them while their crossbowmen buddies positioned themselves around them would get them to heed my alarm and get to the main fortress,but no...
dear urist mcstrangemood make something useful like a sword next time and STOP HULLING THE MAGNETITE EVERYWARE
dear urist mcstrangemood make something useful like a sword next time
MrCompassionate,Actually Urist I totally did! I also disabled all training and you had no orders yet still you industriously stood there until you later waddled off for a snack and nap time. In fact sleep in room is on by default from what I can tell anyway so I would have had to go out of my way to deprive you of that!
Did you remember to set my squad preferences to ALLOW me to sleep in my own room, and to allow me to go get food when on duty?
No?
Then who's fault is this again?
--Urist McMarksdwarfsson
Dear Dorfs of Gatizingish Vathez "The Fondled Bodices of Virgins",
did you believe that it was strawberry wine or some sort of godlike moving cheese:dear overseer.
Dear stone haulers(all but 3-4 or you for some reason),
While the magma resevoir for our future magma furnaces and workshops does have a shitton of stone in it, there is still plenty of stone throughout the fortress corridors, much closer to the stockpile. Indeed, getting into the resevoir requires going outside, then climbing to the top of the volcano, then into it, then back out again carrying a goddamn boulder. Please carry stone more efficiently.
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Not to mention the fact that the front entrance now looks like Boatmurdered. All that for one kobold who hadn't even managed to nick anything.
Dearest Urist McMechanic:
Please, please, please, make more mechanisms instead of aimlessly milling about. You are virtually drowning in rocks. Use them. The goblins will be arriving soon and I haven't even got a proper soldier, let alone militia, to defend the fortress with.
With love,
The Invisible Guiding Hand
Dear Urist McMechanicDearest Urist McMechanic:
Please, please, please, make more mechanisms instead of aimlessly milling about. You are virtually drowning in rocks. Use them. The goblins will be arriving soon and I haven't even got a proper soldier, let alone militia, to defend the fortress with.
With love,
The Invisible Guiding Hand
Dear Mr. Hand
im on me break
sincerely,
Urist McMechanic
Dear NOBLE PIECE OF SHIT:
The trade caravan left last year and promised that they'd pay us well for our short swords. I made a lot of them, to equip our own, and to trade with, and they had all been painstakingly crafted from Beerfire's best iron and steel.
But alas, now that the trade caravan is almost here, you have decided that we shouldn't be able to give them our short swords.
Go to hell,
IronTomato
Dear Mayor,
Why do you mandate construction of large gems, then forbid exporting them? You're not even a jeweler, you're a weaponsmith..what?
A note to Stallion Mcmetalsmith/fisherpony:
For future reference, we do not fish here. Do you want to know WHY we don't fish here?That's why. Because there's big green clouds of radioactive dust. That usually turns ponies into corpses. And you're useful. You can smith. So next time I catch you outside for a stupid reason, I'm leaving you out there to get eaten by a radscorpion.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Urist
Next time you see one of the militia captains bleeding out on a cavern floor, please feel free to take him to a designated hospital instead of running to get the other guy's socks of his corpse.
Sincerely, your Overseer.
P.S.
-to the hidden necromancer in my fort:
STOP. ANIMATING. MUSSEL. SHELLS.
-an angry letter-Dear Mr. Overfiend,
Perhaps the simple solution is just to construct another wheelbarrow?
Perhaps the simple solution is just to construct another wheelbarrow?
We tried that, you semi-sober literate. You left THAT wheelbarrow right next to the other one in the minecart.
Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.Dear Overseer,
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
To the dorfs:Uh-oh. Your dorfs think they're kobolds. They're all going to need professional help.
Why are you all sneaking everywhere? None of you have hunting enabled and there is absolutely no wildlife on the map, so I don't understand what would convince you to skulk everywhere.
I know you lot are sneaking because I've noticed your ambushing skills increasing and you are all moving unbelievably slow.
Confusing.
Uh-oh. Your dorfs think they're kobolds. They're all going to need professional help.
Kulet Sedil, 122, Sandstone.
A desert titan is attacking! And we have no military! PANIC! PANIC! YOU THERE! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU CAN HANDLE A WEAPON! TAKE THESE PEASANTS AND GO KILL IT!
____
Well, that's a dead war drake, and 3 less useless mouths to feed. Hip hip, hooray.
Uh-oh. Your dorfs think they're kobolds. They're all going to need professional help.
More like I messed up an interaction somewhere and now everything in the game is trying to be stealthy.
My dwarfs were 'ambushed' by a hidden snapping turtle.
Though I don't know what specifically caused this.
Awesome!
It probably won't be too useful against invaders, who don't really seem to be affected by your units' stealth, but the speed penalty slowly goes away with raising level (in fact, it entirely disappears at the fabled legendary +5 in adventurer mode) and training the skill improves agility, spatial and kinesthetic sense and focus, according to the Wiki.
Of course, keeping the professions apart might become difficult when everyone's flashing green.
Dear Urist McCaptain,Dwarf fortress in it's rawest form
Your wife and infant child died because you and the rest of your squad were too busy throwing a party to save them from a giant langur, and then your mother in law threw a fit and kicked Udib the smith's brains out. His friend, in turn, threw a fit of his own, broke a door and flooded the entire industrial level with magma. This has caused 23 dwarves to burn alive, 2 to drown while heroically breaching the underground lake in an attempt to contain the catastrophe and 4 more innocent souls to be forever encased in obsidian. The rest of the fortress, understandably, erupted into a massive riot which culminated with our bookkeeper making your only friend into a shoe before starving to death. You currently are the only survivior out of a population of 80, wearing your dead friend on your right foot. Why the fuck are you still ecstatic?
Sincerely,
Your overseer.
The waist is actually right below the rib cage. Where things get narrow on hourglass figures.How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
The waist is actually right below the rib cage. Where things get narrow on hourglass figures.How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
The hips are not the waist.
The waist is actually right below the rib cage. Where things get narrow on hourglass figures.How does it happen that the guts and spleen and other organs are waist down?Duplicate from the whats happening thread but it belongs more here anyway.
Dear Urist,
The trousers are for your legs. Please stop wearing them on your torso.
--Overseer
Lol, how does that happen? Although are you thinking lower body as torso? Because that's waist down.
The hips are not the waist.
Thus we have the problem,our urist is wearing pants right below his rib cage,while he should be wearing the pants on his legs so the lower body is at the same time below his ribcage and his legs
That's nothing, I had some kobold thiefs wear thongs on their heads.
That's nothing, I had some kobold thiefs wear thongs on their heads.
I know I saw an image of this somewhere once before.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
*Snip*
When that saves him from a ballista bolt, let me know.
It's because the raws are somewhat abstract. I mean sure, there are various things to put some logic into the body-parts, but you could have two creatures that are conceptually somewhat different, but with the same raws.*Snip*
When that saves him from a ballista bolt, let me know.
We are somewhat straying from the subject here,the head is always the head and will never not be the head,while the lower torso for some reason is both legs and above the waist at the same time
oh well,lets just forget about itIt's because the raws are somewhat abstract. I mean sure, there are various things to put some logic into the body-parts, but you could have two creatures that are conceptually somewhat different, but with the same raws.*Snip*
When that saves him from a ballista bolt, let me know.
We are somewhat straying from the subject here,the head is always the head and will never not be the head,while the lower torso for some reason is both legs and above the waist at the same time
Dear archers,
Please stop whining about feeling sick .
I explicitly told you not to go hunting because the surface is all covered in acid sludge and yes, it hurts when you try to wade through that.
But you wouldn't listen.
You wouldn't even listen when i told you to go to that room 20 lvls beneath the entrance-hall and stay there, giving me stupid
excuses like "i'm off duty now" or "i'm not in the army you know" or "burrows are for women".
I would also like to take the opportunity to give you my whole-hearted thanks for dumping your quivers on said acid sludge when i decided to draft you into the military and *ordering* you to go inside.
As if you didn't know your family would hurry outside to pick up the stuff.
All of them are now sick as well. If not dead because of those half-rotting camels you managed to attract the attention from.
To be more precise: Of the 74 happy dwarves that were once running this magnificent fortress-to-be, there are now only 26 left.
Lying of the floor. Crying. Vomiting. Because of you.
Kinds regards,
Hope you get well soon,
Overseer.
You know what they say
LOSING IS FUN
A note to Urist McMilitary:
PUT.
ON.
YOUR.
FUCKING.
ARMOUR.
WE HAVE TONS OF STEEL ARMOUR, WHICH I HAVE EXPLICITLY CHECKED AS "UNFORBIDDEN". STOP FUCKING ABOUT AND GO PUT IT THE FUCK ON YOU STUPID, FUCKING, TWATS.
-The Overseer who is on the verge of letting the circus visit just to watch you idiots suffer.
Dear Traders visiting FurnaceClans...
We have sealed the inner doors to the fortress because you fools INSIST on leaving via the OMG. While amusing, we don't want your trash goods. Please leave the way you came in.
No... really. 3 months later you're still doing doughnuts in front of the trade depot instead of leaving. Go away already.
.... okay, You arrived in Fall. It's now SUMMER. GO HOME.
... sigh....
and BITE it, in the BRAIN?
Dear Nil McCook and his wife Todok McMiner,
Please. Stop. Breeding. You are both in fucking traction, for god's sake!
Your seriously concerned for your health Overseer.
Dear Nil McCook and his wife Todok McMiner,
Please. Stop. Breeding. You are both in fucking traction, for god's sake!
Your seriously concerned for your health Overseer.
Dear Nil McCook and his wife Todok McMiner,
Please. Stop. Breeding. You are both in fucking traction, for god's sake!
Your seriously concerned for your health Overseer.
Great! BDSM dwarves, what's next?
Well the babies aren't propelled. They just kinda fall out.
Dear extremely incompetent dwarves,
The sky fort is doing nicely, except for half of it being knocked down due to a dwarf tantruming because he was stung. That wasn't what got me.
What got me was the fact you all started to flip shit and destroy all the supports. Why in Armok's name?
I can't.
- Your brooding overseer.
Dear marksdwarves of the Mountainhome Rocksnourished,
FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK, GO USE THE DAMN ARCHERY RANGE!! DON'T JUST STAND IN THE DINING HALL PERFORMING THE NOT-JOB "Go To Archery Practice"!! I KNOW you are active duty, and I KNOW you are assigned to the range. AND I KNOW you have plenty of assigned ammo! There are only about 1000 bolts waiting in the stockpile!
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
Dear marksdwarves of the Mountainhome Rocksnourished,
FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK, GO USE THE DAMN ARCHERY RANGE!! DON'T JUST STAND IN THE DINING HALL PERFORMING THE NOT-JOB "Go To Archery Practice"!! I KNOW you are active duty, and I KNOW you are assigned to the range. AND I KNOW you have plenty of assigned ammo! There are only about 1000 bolts waiting in the stockpile!
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
For some strange reason, Marksdwarves get stuck if put on active duty without orders. Take them off active duty but keep them uniformed, and they'll spend most of their time training.
Dear Dwarves of Flagbore,
I commanded you to put the prisoners of the last sieges in two cages.Not only have you not finished the job,but you started to empty the cages,and put them back in single cages.And now,you return them back to the previous cages.So,before i go stark raving mad myself,i want to ask you one thing:
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS????
Dear Dwarves of Flagbore,
I commanded you to put the prisoners of the last sieges in two cages.Not only have you not finished the job,but you started to empty the cages,and put them back in single cages.And now,you return them back to the previous cages.So,before i go stark raving mad myself,i want to ask you one thing:
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS????
Did you switch those already caged or to be caged from one cage to another? I did that to try and speed things up and they did basically what you did, had to wait until they finished. I don't know if you have DFhack, but one of the plugins on there which helps with management of caged/pastured animals, try activating show/hide caged.
The ui doesn't show who is in what cage, so it gets confusing when you try and change what is in which cage while the dwarves are still in progress or haven't gotten there yet and you are putting things in multiple cages at once.
Dear Dwarves of Flagbore,
I commanded you to put the prisoners of the last sieges in two cages.Not only have you not finished the job,but you started to empty the cages,and put them back in single cages.And now,you return them back to the previous cages.So,before i go stark raving mad myself,i want to ask you one thing:
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THIS????
Did you switch those already caged or to be caged from one cage to another? I did that to try and speed things up and they did basically what you did, had to wait until they finished. I don't know if you have DFhack, but one of the plugins on there which helps with management of caged/pastured animals, try activating show/hide caged.
The ui doesn't show who is in what cage, so it gets confusing when you try and change what is in which cage while the dwarves are still in progress or haven't gotten there yet and you are putting things in multiple cages at once.
i'm not entirely sure,but i probably did.i do have DFhack,so i should download this plugin immediately.thanks.
............
It isn't included in DFHack, but is in the LNP if I recall. This is, assuming you are referring to the UI Improvement Plugins (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=119575.0) by Falconne.
Dear Urist McVampire,Actually, no. Dwarves can be older than the world. Like shown, their age will be displayed as "has the appearance of somebody that is xx years old." Typically, this is the case with your starting seven if you have a short worldgen.
(http://i208.photobucket.com/albums/bb194/eidako/DF_VampireDwarf.png) (http://s208.photobucket.com/user/eidako/media/DF_VampireDwarf.png.html)
Nice try, but the world is only 101 years old; you can't possibly be 125. You almost fooled me, I almost made you my broker, but you won't be drinking any blood in my fort. But you know, it would be a shame to let those social skills go to waste. I think I will add you to my administration team.
I hope you enjoy your very own 1x1 office with no doors, where you will keep the books updated to the highest degree of precision.
For all eternity.
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
Also, to my late Captain of the Guard: I DO NOT CARE IF YOU'RE A HIGH MASTER DODGER! AS MY ONLY ELITE MARKSDWARF, I EXPECT YOU TO KNOW NOT TO JUMP !!OVER!! THE FORTIFICATIONS AND FALL 3 Z-LEVELS INTO THE BAND OF 15-ODD GOBLIN ARCHERS!!!!
Sincerely, your Vindictive but Temporarily Merciful Overlord
PS. Congrats, Urist McDumbass, your Decent Tomb has been reassigned. Enjoy the communal cemetery, booze brain.
Maybe he thought he was a certain member of the Order of the Stick?
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0435.html
To be fair, Belkar only jumped to avoid the Mark of Justice acting up on him while inside Azure City (because if he killed anyone inside the city limits, he would most likely die from the curse).I seem to remember Shojo said that the mark would activate if he killed "Anyone inside a town", so probably not. I couldn't find the comic where Shojo casts the spell, though, so I'm not sure. Then again, he was Chaotic Neutral, not Lawful Good, but then again again he was trying to impersonate a paladin.
I wonder... if a bolt fired inside a city killed a goblin outside it, would it still count as an in-city kill?
CG, and not trying to impersonate a paladin. His paladins were sworn to serve him, and most of them probably only assumed he was bound by the paladins' code.To be fair, Belkar only jumped to avoid the Mark of Justice acting up on him while inside Azure City (because if he killed anyone inside the city limits, he would most likely die from the curse).I seem to remember Shojo said that the mark would activate if he killed "Anyone inside a town", so probably not. I couldn't find the comic where Shojo casts the spell, though, so I'm not sure. Then again, he was Chaotic Neutral, not Lawful Good, but then again again he was trying to impersonate a paladin.
I wonder... if a bolt fired inside a city killed a goblin outside it, would it still count as an in-city kill?
In other news, as a result of him training with the broken foot, he got attached to the crutch.. I assume that means he will keep it even after his foot heals?If he does keep using the crutch when he doesn't need it, he'll still train crutch-walking.
Is that good?
Do I actually want him carrying a crutch around after he doesn't need it anymore?
Frustrating, but kind of needed. Otherwise, the game would be painfully slow from all the pathing (already one of the game's biggest CPU drains).They probably come from one or more floors up and the booze stockpiles in the prisons might be closer, if you just ignore those pesky floors.
Hmm, maybe you are right, but then that IS the single biggest bug in DF right now. And I know a lot of them...
In this particular case: the prison is 30-40 tiles away from the stairs, restricted movement, and there is NOTHING below it for 10-12 levels. Not even corridors, just undug stone. So: 10-12 levels below that prison I do have the main living area/panic room: 5z deep block with food stockpile at the bottom level so it can be sealed from the rest of the fort in case of emergency.
Next to the prison I have the barracks, and above it the pits, so traffic is pretty scarce there. Down 1 level and 20 tiles to the west is the entrance, and below that the food preparation area and the main food stockpiles. My military won't go tot the prison, but I always get 6-8 dwarfs drinking there, and only 1-2 in the main booze stockpile of this level - right next to the stairs...
So yeah, it's frustrating.
Dear Urist (DOCTOR);Please share the mod used to make this.
I wish to write to congratulate you on the fine work you have done for this colony thus far.
I fondly recall the day you arrived as an immigrant. For the first day, we had misunderstood the value you brought to our home, and had you labor away as a common hauler. You did not complain. You even shuffled along those barrels of scorpion vomit with a cheerful and carefree attitude. I wish with every fiber of my being that your mood would rub off on the rest of us. Especially the Mason.
You first came to our attention when you displayed impressive levels of initiative. Faced with that mount of rotting corpses outside, you took it upon yourself to construct your very own slaughterhouse, and for a couple of years, kept our kitchens well stocked with delightful meat of questionable provenance. The quality of life for all increased measurably within days.
You again came to our attention when you took the lessons you learned in flaying creatures alive and applied that to the medicinal arts. When our first dragoon squad got lost and mistakenly laid siege to us, you were there before the rest of us, fishing children out of those bladed traps and pulling them off spikes. I note that already several diplomats from the home territories have sent their own medics to learn from you. I understand that to this day nobody else can graft the skin from a marmot onto a living dwarf and have it take. We are proud of you!
But I do admit that I have one small, niggling concern. While you ability to graft animal parts onto dwarves is nothing short of legendary, we would kindly ask you to limit or abandon your research. I note that we've already had one military dwarf sever his own arm. It is our understanding that you had promised to graft him a dragon's leg for a new arm. I wish to point out that we currently have no dragon, much less one willing to part with a limb. While we have no doubt that, could this be done successfully, that it SHOULD be done, but we ask you kindly that we wait until we have both a willing limb-culling dragon and an armless dwarf already present and available. The militia rosters are thin enough as it is without a surfeit of self amputations.
Your cooperation anticipated,
Labor Manager
Dear Urist McWoodworker,
It is wonderful to have you in our tundric fort, surrounded by vast plains of no trees. While I still wonder why you choose to venture out here, perhaps a deep hatred of your own craft, nonetheless, more dwarves are always welcome. There is only one, slight issue. While I understand I didn't order you to build beds first thing, mostly because we had other, more pressing needs, that did not mean we had no need for beds. In fact, we have a rather urgent need for beds. So, if you would be so kind, would you tell me WHY IN ARMOK'S NAME YOU USED OUR LAST THREE LOGS TO BUILD A CUP! A CUP! sheer waste involved, using three entire trees to make a single cup, not even a well made or nice looking artifact at that, boggles the mind. I don't even know how you managed to avoid having enough waste wood to build fifty more cups. Or at least another bed. If you had, I might forgive you. But since you have denied us the wood we need to make beds, unless a damned good reason is produced, you are now promoted to militia captain. There's a pack of wolves outside. We have no armor or weapons to give you. Please leave your axe behind.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Jack Smythe
Dear Urist McWoodworker,
It is wonderful to have you in our tundric fort, surrounded by vast plains of no trees. While I still wonder why you choose to venture out here, perhaps a deep hatred of your own craft, nonetheless, more dwarves are always welcome. There is only one, slight issue. While I understand I didn't order you to build beds first thing, mostly because we had other, more pressing needs, that did not mean we had no need for beds. In fact, we have a rather urgent need for beds. So, if you would be so kind, would you tell me WHY IN ARMOK'S NAME YOU USED OUR LAST THREE LOGS TO BUILD A CUP! A CUP! sheer waste involved, using three entire trees to make a single cup, not even a well made or nice looking artifact at that, boggles the mind. I don't even know how you managed to avoid having enough waste wood to build fifty more cups. Or at least another bed. If you had, I might forgive you. But since you have denied us the wood we need to make beds, unless a damned good reason is produced, you are now promoted to militia captain. There's a pack of wolves outside. We have no armor or weapons to give you. Please leave your axe behind.
Signed,
Your Overseer
Jack Smythe
Maybe he was prepping up for this Simpsons joke:
Urist McDwarfette: Look, I want a cup
Urist McWoodworker: Cup, could you spell that?
Urist McDwarfette: Cee Yuu Pee i wanna Cee Yu...oh my god!
A summation of my most recent fort:
Hi wandering tick couple! We don't have any issues with you guys, so lalalala. We are just going to collapse our wagon underground to avoid that cloud over there. lalala.
[tick man goes to investigate]
[tick woman screams in brief agony]
[tick arm, tick head, tick torso, tick man thralls walk to ditch]
~fin
fastest. fort. ever.
Because it's just not normal for a dwarf to die of old age.
Greetings, Urist McMason,I'd let 'em starve myself. He's practically asked for it at this point.
While your efforts in singlehandedly constructing the archer's pillbox out in front of the fortress is certainly appreciated, the work would go much faster if you would not build yourself into corners every other minute, requiring either mind-numbing micromanagement, or that the newly built wall or fortification to be torn down so that you may return home and not starve to death on the wall.
Dear overseer:Actually, you did, you mercilessly killed a coyote like seven seconds before that, and you had a HAPPY tought about that. Just... Keep engraving please.
I had no idea it would be like that! I've never done this before!
Urist McPussyEngraver
Dear Ballista operator.
You have to be shitting me! I know ballistas are extremly inaccurate but they cant be THIS bad! I mean how dificult is it to shoot a ballita arrow down a one wide hallway? The Barnum and Baileys Hell time show is canned in that hallway, now get drunk, get on the war machine, AND SHOOT STRAIT!!!
Dear children of Dodokmidor,
I'm am aware there are only 30 adults to look after all 60 plus of you. I am also aware that you seem to be forming large roving gangs in order to attract the attention of certain said adults. There is however a reason we live in the 3rd cavern layer -I'm a sadistic overlord who loves forgotten beast extractthe surface is somewhat overflowing with goblins. When our legendary swordsdwarf - nicknamed "the silvery blazes of rhythm" - does go outside it's pretty obvious what she's going for. Please stop following her, I've assigned you all to a nice burrow with everything you could ever want, unlike the outside which only has sharp objects headng in your direction at high speed. Although our military is highly trained at avoiding said objects you are not, and the surface is covered wth enough bodies as it is.
Sincerely, your concerned overseer.
@mate888 - you'll need to remove the "pet" flag from plump helmet men (or un-goblinise dwarven ethics if you allowed sentient butchering as default there) if you don't want to see this again. It's nothing wrong with the engraver, it's something wrong with your raws - "pets" can be butchered, but sentients ("intelligent" or can_learn/can_speak) will trigger "witnessed death" whenever they die, including butchering.Oh, so having a sentinent being that can be butchered, is made out of delicious shroom that can be brewed and kills dwarves when they begin outnumbering them is a very !FUN! idea then...
Dear Urist McWoodcutter,
What weapon did I tell you to use when I drafted you and told you to kill that monkey?
What weapon did you have in your hand until you decided to drop it and take it back to the weapon stockpile?
Hint: they both start with "A".
Regards,
Frustrated Overseer.
Dear Urist McCaravanTrader,Hahaha, ptw based on this post alone.
I recognize that with my normal broker being otherwise engaged, and his replacement being rather inept at commercial matters, you may wish to seek additional compensation for your trading efforts, and I do understand. However, when I offer you 130,000☼ worth of goods for 75,00☼ worth of merchandise, and you accuse me of playing childish games and refuse to trade with me, I do take a small amount of offense. On a completely unrelated topic, a malfunction in our irrigation system appears to have sealed you inside the depot and opened the floodgate that you may have noticed in the corner, causing the depot to slowly fill with water. I regret that there does not appear to be anything I can do to fix this, however I assure you that once you have finished drowning and we have found a way to drain the depot, we will make the best possible use of your merchandise.
Regards,
The overseer of the civilization capital addressing a citizen of some piss-ant outland
Dear Urist McBeekeeper,
The nine beehives outside of this fortress are all right next to each other in a very conspicuous, very easily accessible location. Quit trying to get out of having to do any work by saying "could not find path" or "job item lost or destroyed." You're not fooling anyone and you're clogging the message feed.
R/OS
There are many, many empty jugs, as that is what I thought as well. My beekeeper is not part of a burrow, and in fact he was standing right next to the beehive when he was giving these messages, so I am really confused about it.Dear Urist McBeekeeper,
The nine beehives outside of this fortress are all right next to each other in a very conspicuous, very easily accessible location. Quit trying to get out of having to do any work by saying "could not find path" or "job item lost or destroyed." You're not fooling anyone and you're clogging the message feed.
R/OS
Ah, sorry chief, the message system's got a problem. You see, i _want_ to say "I want to harvest the honey from a hive, but there are no empty jugs available." but there's no proper report form for it. And if you check the stocks, you might see a lot of ordinary "rock jug"s with no further labels - but they're all full of honey/jelly, it just doesn't get displayed properly. Order more jugs made and i'll stop pestering you.
Sincerely, Urist McBeekeeper.
(P.S. and "could not find path" suggests you fucked up your beekeepers in some other way too, e.g. by stuffing them into a burrow when an out-of-burrow colony was tasked for hive stocking - colonies tasked for a hive can only be un-tasked by toggling the _hive's_ settings. When trying to sort out beekeeping blockages, messing with the beekeepers is almost always the one thing that _doesn't_ help.)
Do you have more than one beekeeper, and more than one hive? There's a well-documented bug that causes multiple beekeepers to attempt to harvest the same wild hive. When the first one does it, it destroys the hive, but not the second job - so your second beekeeper is eternally stuck with 'no path' cancellations.I have only a single beekeeper with multiple hives, however it is possible I have had tools stored into bins and that has caused the problem. So if my fortress survives its current civil war, then I will try that.
Dear AllTheUrists,
We have 200+ prepared meals. Stop eating the plump helmets.
thank
Do you have more than one beekeeper, and more than one hive? There's a well-documented bug that causes multiple beekeepers to attempt to harvest the same wild hive. When the first one does it, it destroys the hive, but not the second job - so your second beekeeper is eternally stuck with 'no path' cancellations.I have only a single beekeeper with multiple hives, however it is possible I have had tools stored into bins and that has caused the problem. So if my fortress survives its current civil war, then I will try that.
Followup Re: Gang Waryou know how to fix. a loyalty cascade, right?
To all the dwarves who decided to fight each other based on some arbitrary group distinction: Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. Your constant squabbling has created so much strife, it has opened up a hole in spacetime and crashed the game. So now you all no longer exist. I hope you're happy. See what happens when you don't listen to me?
And no, I am not going to let you have a spot in dwarf heaven either,
The Overseer
Yes, I had created separate burrows for three different separatist factions and was in the process of assigning them to militias to repel a goblin ambush when the game crashed.Followup Re: Gang Waryou know how to fix. a loyalty cascade, right?
To all the dwarves who decided to fight each other based on some arbitrary group distinction: Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. Your constant squabbling has created so much strife, it has opened up a hole in spacetime and crashed the game. So now you all no longer exist. I hope you're happy. See what happens when you don't listen to me?
And no, I am not going to let you have a spot in dwarf heaven either,
The Overseer
P.S. How the hell do you make mail out of wood, anyway?I thought elves sung to trees and wood items sort of fell out of, or off of the trees.
@ healthcare troubles - is the recruit actually showing the "Rest" job? Wounded military dwarfs often fail to properly go into rest mode when injured; i've no good recipe to fix such blockages, but activating/deactivating the dwarf's miltary status or saving/restoring the game sometimes helps. Do you have a hospital and chief medical dwarf? If you lack medical infrastructure, healthcare tends to stall without notice. That said, yes, healthcare jobs are generated annoyingly slowly and sometimes, treatment can hiccup and get stuck, so that a spate of necessary jobs are listed but just don't get generated.
Dear Dwarf Therapist;
I sometimes hate having vampires spoiled. Takes the Fun out of it a bit, ya? Now, what to do with him? Hes only 50 years old!
Hey Boss,Dear Urist,
I know you haven't given me any other jobs except trading. And I'm doing exactly what I need to do in order to trade. Can't you see that I'm carrying all those trinkets and other valuables from the stockpile to the trade depot? I only hope that I'm not so exhausted by that labor that I'll have to then head out for a good brew to wet my dry throat. I can't bargain with those crafty merchants after all with a dry throat. And of course, I may need to build by reserves by having a good meal. Do you have any idea how much those merchants take advantage of you when they hear your stomach growl? Perhaps then, that meal and drink might make me sleepy. Gotta take a power nap then or else those merchants will steal you blind. Yaaawwwwnnnn. Carrying all those trade goods is rather exhausting. Perhaps I should take a break.
You ever obedient and helpful broker,
Urist.
Dear Urst McMigrant
While I do love seeing what I get during the first two waves of migrations, having 9 out of 14 migrants in two waves being children does not please me. What angers me even more, is the fact that I've already set my child cap to 10, so what the hell is wrong with you. Next wave of primary children gets sent to the caverns.
Love, OS
Classic advice for broker woes:
Forget the broker, you don't need them to trade.
Set the depot to "anyone may trade". As long as you have _a_ broker with appraisal skill, you'll get all prices displayed, and other skills are only of significance if you have very little to offer and want to acquire a lot of stuff; for the standard "just take those x*pig tail fibre socks* off our hands" trade, giving the merchants enough of a margin is easy.
If you have no broker with appraisal skill, "anyone may trade" is still an easy way to get a proper trade going: just pause the game once someone has made it to the depot, go into the nobles screen and assign _that_ dwarf to be the new broker. Just opening the trade window should give them enough experience for value display.
"Bring item to depot" is an all hands job, it ignores all labour settings and the "trade at depot" job usually waits until most/all items are there before it's even generated. By burrowing the broker at the depot, you just prevent them from doing anything - the trade job won't spawn if there are still too many marked items out there. Unselect the most irrelevant garbage you ordered brought to the depot, and _switch off that toxic "only broker may trade" option_, it's bad for you.
I've switched off the broker privilege at the depot when i worked out that this has massive downsides and no tangible benefits.
PS: of course it'd be nice if things got fixed eventually, so that the broker isn't yet another cloaked passive noble _and_ that nobles actually put a positive priority on their designated job; it really seems like they're programmed to actively avoid doing those jobs.
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
Is there a way to make dwarves use wheelbarrows when carrying stone to where they're going to build a floor? I'm careful to use the closest rocks/rock blocks, but it still takes FOREVER.
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
No, that hasn't worked in my fortresses, at least. I've been working on the ceiling for my outdoor pasture/farms for...several game years now. Granted, it's 3 levels above the pasture, and I did make walls up that high first, but someday I'll be done with them and I can engrave fortifications to use it as a bunker during sieges. Rain death from above!
At this point, I'll add a 10x10 block of floors to the area, forget it for several game sessions, and then check it and add a new section if I need to. Is there a way to make dwarves use wheelbarrows when carrying stone to where they're going to build a floor? I'm careful to use the closest rocks/rock blocks, but it still takes FOREVER.
I look out upon that incomplete wall, its inner section more an inconsistent line of pillars than a wall, its outer section little more than a fine idea, and its partially completed gatehouse, I have but one regret, and that is not having the time to wreak terrible vengeance upon the lot of you myself before we are all murdered in our homesMaybe masons having actually only mason job (not hauling or anything else) would be pretty good idea... just sayin.
No, that hasn't worked in my fortresses, at least. I've been working on the ceiling for my outdoor pasture/farms for...several game years now. Granted, it's 3 levels above the pasture, and I did make walls up that high first, but someday I'll be done with them and I can engrave fortifications to use it as a bunker during sieges. Rain death from above!
At this point, I'll add a 10x10 block of floors to the area, forget it for several game sessions, and then check it and add a new section if I need to. Is there a way to make dwarves use wheelbarrows when carrying stone to where they're going to build a floor? I'm careful to use the closest rocks/rock blocks, but it still takes FOREVER.
Make sure all your constructions are blocks, no boulders. Dwarves will carry a block almost as quickly as a wheelbarrow.
What kind of a name is Sive Lacechains anyway?
What kind of a name is Sive Lacechains anyway?
The name of a poorly-manufactured condom brand.
Dear All Urist McCommoners,
We all know how amusing it is to watch nobles suffer, and when the queen moved into the fortress and turned out to be a vampire, well it was as if Armok had sent us a reward for the many lives we had sent His way. Of course, we did lose the lives of a few dwarves, but I think you will agree it was worth it to indict the queen of the realm on four counts of murder and sentence her to 400 days of confinement and 100 hammer strikes. Well, her confinement is finally at an end, and she has received her hammer strikes, and I know you were all watching as intently as I was to hear the report of every single major injury she suffered.
As you know, we are not soft on crime in this fortress, and we take any infraction very seriously. That is why our hammerer carries a masterwork steel warhammer for just these sorts of events. Now I was quite certain that there was no dwarf alive who could survive 100 strikes from such a heavy instrument, but I was proved wrong. While it does not appear that there are any bones remaining in the queen's body that are not broken, so that she is now in a state which I believe the medical community refers to as a "blob," she is still technically alive, even if she is totally unable to move in any significant way.
Now I know you have all quite enjoyed seeing this, which is why you have frequently gone into the jail to take food from her barrel in sit in her chair eating it while pointing at her and laughing, and for obvious reasons it has not occurred to any of you that it may be a good idea to take her to the hospital, despite every single one of you having the recover wounded labor enabled and many of you having no other jobs. Indeed, quite a few of you seem content to sit totally idle while standing right next to the queen and do nothing to help her. I can certainly understand why you would want to act that way, however, I have a greater vision.
You may notice the glass doors and windows I have had installed on the outside of her royal quarters. These do serve a purpose which I will illustrate. Let us turn her over to the ministrations of our inept, and largely self-taught medical staff. There she may be covered head to toe in plaster, placed in traction for months, have one or two extremities surgically removed, be victim of all manner of infections, and when she is finally released, be something that less resembles a dwarf than a monstrous freak of nature wishing for death every moment but unable to die due to her unholy nature.
Then, I shall confine her to her royal suite, where she shall remain, in relative comfort, for the remainder of her natural life, to be gawked at and mocked by all dwarves who pass by. I have also dug a pit in the ceiling of these quarters, so that we may toss in the occasional wild animal or captured goblin, and observe with great enjoyment as the two battle each other. I hope you can see that as amusing as the current situation is, this new plan would offer a whole new level to the entertainment we could draw from this most noble of all nobles.
However, none of this can happen if she does not make it to the hospital. So perhaps, one of you, if it isn't too much trouble, can do your fucking job and drag her up there so that the healing process can begin.
R/OS
Dear Urist McMayor,
For the last time, you are not the overseer. That is my job. Do not unpause the game while Im on the toilet.
Signed, your overseer whose bladder is about to explode,
Me
No brothers, but a sister. I like to blame the nobles when my sister unpauses the game :PDear Urist McMayor,I'm pretty sure it's impossible for the game to unpause itself...
For the last time, you are not the overseer. That is my job. Do not unpause the game while Im on the toilet.
Signed, your overseer whose bladder is about to explode,
Me
Does the overseer have any brothers?
A note to the Pegasus building crew of SweetenedAngel;You forgot the Darwin Award.
You.
Idiots.
Starved.
To death.
On a wall.
This wall, which was exactly one Z level high.
You had WINGS.
For this GRAND ACHIEVEMENT IN STUPIDITY, you have been posthumously awarded 3 medals:
The medal of immoderate moronocity.
The medal of grand stupidity.
And finally, the highest (dis)honour of them all,
The MEDAL OF ULTIMATE IDIOCY.
-Your furious, houseless overseer.
Why not make some shoes and gloves? That'd help with the dust.
Dear Urist McDumbMiner,
I understand that the small room on the other side of the fortress is an amazing project and you want to be a part of it;
however, your 3 coworkers are already there, digging. It's a small room and they are fast, they can do it.
They don't need you, ESPECIALLY if, in order to "help" them, you have to leave that single pillar in the middle of the new stockpile room.
You could just finish THAT job, it's far more useful for everyone. And it's literally one step away from you. It would take only 5 seconds.
But no, there is a small room over there, and you MUST dig it out NOW.
Why?
By the way, hadn't you rushed over there screaming "the tenth block is mine! Don't dig it!", the room would've been completely finished WAY sooner. Congratulations, you just slowed down the work in TWO different digging site.
You know what, forget it. I'm sorry, I was too rude. You don't deserve this, you're a great miner...
Actually, I have the right job for a great miner like you: I was just looking for a poor bast... ehm.. brave soul to dig the warm stone at the end of that tunnel, and I think I found the right dwarf. Congratulations!
Maybe you should try installing something to close off the hospital selectively (i.e. any time your fort isn't under attack)? Actually, wouldn't a simple door do the job?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dwarves will use meeting areas and beds as 'resting locations' should you not have a hospital or if they do not have access to one.Maybe you should try installing something to close off the hospital selectively (i.e. any time your fort isn't under attack)? Actually, wouldn't a simple door do the job?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Urists,But boss, if you don't want us to go bravely charging in to kill the hated enemies of our fortress, you ought not to station us within sight of the ones to be killed. Can we help it if we're so enthusiastic about killing trolls and goblins?
I stationed you outside the spike room, not in it. You knew there were goblins and trolls raining down from above to land on the spikes. You knew I made it slightly less-than-lethal so it would take time for them to bleed out. This time is intended for them to reflect on how thoroughly they've been wrecked by our mighty Mountainhome, not for you to go in and stab a thrice-impaled, mostly-dismembered troll just so you could get another kill.
Have you noticed that every dwarf who went into the spike room limped out, after being literally caught in a rain of terrified goblins?
Go get in your traction benches and think about what you've done. Someone will pop round to discover your corpses in a year or so.
Dear Urist McVampire,
I would like to congratulate you on becoming the first undead citizen of Fireaxe, the Bane of Trees. Unfortunately, due to the downfall of Destinedfailure, we have a very strict no undead policy. For you, however, we are willing to make an exception! Please report to the drawbridge which you so recently admired, and I will explain your new association with our Chief Medical Dwarf, who is in serious need of experience.
All the best,
The Invisible Overlord
Dear Urst mc... swordsdawrf?
As much as I appreciate you sticking into the fight after your shield hand was chopped off. Do you not think that beating the goblin ambush to death with your severed hand to be a little inefficient?
wutHuh. I'll never leap at what I think is a Farstrider reference again.
Dear Engravers of Largeropes:You ever read Boatmurdered? Dwarves engrave whatever they feel is most influential in their lives.
I realize that you are very fond of the Captain America movies. I get it. I do. They are good entertainment. Red Skull reminds of a necromancer, sure.
However.
Please, for the love of little baby Armok in his lava cradle, STOP ENGRAVING HYDRAS ALL OVER THE DAMN FORT. There are a LOT of other events that have happened worth commemorating. Tons. Seriously. I checked. We even killed a giantess. Enough with the Hydra.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Yes, I think of Boatmurdered every time the engravers get 'hung' on a particular subject... although I have enjoyed reading so many succession forts, nothing will ever match the first time, and Boatmurdered was my first.Man, I loved Boatmurdered. Sure, by now it's standard fare for every fortress, but it's still awesome in that it was what got me into DF.
Dear Urist,
How and where did you die? I really hope you didn't fall into the magma.
-Overseer
Dea Urist McLegenaryWeaponSmith: why did you go out during a siege? The civilian alert kept everyon else inside, but you insisted on going there. Tell me, who is going to forge the candy into instruments of war now? Catten McDabbling?
Dear Urist McSuicidal.I'm so grateful I discovered forbid death items.
Uhem.. I really wish you wouldn't try to scramble into the trap lined hallway that is intended for the goblins who are still not dead yet, just for his fresh sock.
Thank you for not listening to the burrow order. Sincerely, The Overseer
dear fortress of splatbatterred,
when you are partying, don't have the entire fortress of dorfs in the party, i really need that door done. have fun with the king of beasts.
-the invisible force behind your every survival-important action that you never do.
P.S. also, dont stand there starving yourselves. i have 50 horse steaks right next to you.
Dear Urist, when your sleeping mud-pile gets flooded with 7/7 water, please wake up, otherwise you end up *ahem* sleeping with the fishes. Perhaps also choose a wiser place to sleep. I can't always be scheduling barely-planned releases of torrents of water around your eccentric sleeping habits.
Your benevolent Overlord.
Dear Urist,
Pulling the lever is NOT OPTIONAL. Mandatory, not optional, not even pull at your own whimsy PULL IT RIGHT NOW. Those husks aren't going to sit outside all day.
Dear Urist McMother,
I'm confused. Your child vanished without a trace. There is no corpse. There is no baby. There is nowhere said child could possibly have gone. We're sealed inside and there are five hundred zombies outside, and you say you lost your baby? I could personally search the entire fort in thirty seconds, and you LOST YOUR BABY?
Armok take me, I DID search the entire elfhumping fort in thirty goblinsucking seconds and found not a single trace of your child. Perhaps you hallucinated giving birth and raising a youngster? How did you convince the engraver to build a slab of a child that never existed? Armok's beard, lady...
Sincerely,
Overseer
Well, EXCUSE ME, Mr. Overseer!
Honestly, do you think popping out babies every few months like clockwork simply because I said "I DO" in a room full of stone chairs and tables is somehow so benal an experience, that I would somehow forget how incredibly painful childbirth is, and as such, somehow be "Confused" about having experienced such an event?
No sir, It most certainly is not, and I most certainly AM NOT.
Now, Mr "I can search the whole fortress in 30 seconds", Did you ever stop to consider that maybe my child could have wandered into one of those horrible "Atom Smashers" your lot is so terribly fond of? Or perhaps, it may have gotten crushed to death in a mining accident? There are many ways that a dwarf can die and leave no corporeal remains! Treating me like a nutter just because you cant find the corpse is so delusionally wrong headed that it would be laughable if all our lives didnt hinge on your ability to make high quality descisions! For goodness sake, the engraver wouldnt even ALLOW a memorial slab to be carved for my poor dear baby, if there had been no baby to begin with!
You and your lot are all so damned callous that you never stop to consider little things like this! If you REALLY wanted to know how my poor innocent baby met its end, you could always check "Legends mode", or some such rot-- At least so I've been led to believe anyway.
Now then-- i've important boulders to haul around futilely, and you have a fortress to run. If you really wanted to find out what happened to my child, you most certainly have the tools to find out by yourself, and have no need to cast absurd aspersions against me when things like this happen.
Now snap to it, chop chop.
I admit, playing "Dear Abbey" with DF is a real kick, but finding a suitable letter to respond to can sometimes be challenging. I have more fun responding to letters than I do seeing events that would warrant writing my own.
Furthermore, YOU are supposed to keep track of YOUR OWN CHILD. Need I remind you that you were supposed to be carrying the tyke until he turned one year old? Fort records do certainly show that you gave birth and carried a child for a number of months, but that child has now vanished and has left no trace of its passage.
Indeed. "Urist, how DARE you do the exact thing I explicitly ordered you to do!" (Of course, the better atomsmashers are fully automatic and don't need a leverpuller.)
Urist McSwordsdwarf - i'm slightly alarmed by your announcement that you "admired a fine Trade Depot recently". I'm quite sure that the occasion on which you visited the depot was when you killed the human traders (by my order) and the depot was decorated with human guts at that time.
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place and they scare some of our dwarves, maybe even your friends. They also try to steal stuff, which is worse.
So, don't hang around doing nothing. I have seen some bolts in the area, so you must be doing something, sometimes. I had no reports of you hunting or fighting though, so until you prove me wrong I will assume that you just put the bolts there to trick me into thinking that you go out hunting while you are drinking booze inside instead.
I know, it is nicer to be inside, but you came here, carrying a crossbow or at least knowing how to fire one, so go out and use, for Armoks sake!
sincerly yours,
the annoyed overseer
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place and they scare some of our dwarves, maybe even your friends. They also try to steal stuff, which is worse.
So, don't hang around doing nothing. I have seen some bolts in the area, so you must be doing something, sometimes. I had no reports of you hunting or fighting though, so until you prove me wrong I will assume that you just put the bolts there to trick me into thinking that you go out hunting while you are drinking booze inside instead.
I know, it is nicer to be inside, but you came here, carrying a crossbow or at least knowing how to fire one, so go out and use, for Armoks sake!
sincerly yours,
the annoyed overseer
Dear lowercased overseer;
Do not try to flatter us with you informality. We know you know as well as we that to hunt the monsters of the world (like doe hares, eagles, and the occasional giant wolverine) we require free quivers, assigned bolts of the specified material, to be told explicitly to hunt, and enough skill to motivate us to prioritize hunting over hauling or shearing or cleaning partying. Just disable our other jobs and then make sure we each have bolts and a quiver or that there is a free one in the stockpiles. Yea, we don't want to go messing with the bureaucracy or nothin', so jut picking up random and un-ledgered equipment is a big no-no.
Also, we hear Armok got bored with the old ways and reformed his habits, so perhaps there is an issue underlying this; a genetic inability to 'get right'. But I doubt it.
signed
The Hunter's Guild
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place
Dear hunters,
please hunt. Seriously, there are keas all over the place
Dear overseer,
The problem may lie with the way the common dwarf hunts - by going to the place where an animal was last seen and tracking it on foot. Keas, alas, are very unreasonable creatures and rarely move on foot. We can spot the places where they land, but whenever they take off again, we lose the track. We'll happily hunt more pedestrian animals, but outside of rare luck, birds are beyond our ken. Now, if you conscripted us into the military and gave us proper rank and military equipment, we might be able to do something about those annoying parrots.
Yours sincerely,
the Hunters' Guild, not at all lobbying to become the officially sanctioned Artillery Squad.
When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.
When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.
Dear Overseer:
Thank you for your feedback. The Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs is always glad to hear from our valued citizens.
If you would kindly take a moment to look over the language in §c, ¶5, of chapter 7 (Standard Procedures for Protection of Mountainhomes Intellectual Property and State Secrets) of your Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book, furnished to you at no extra charge when you signed your contract, you'll find that if a fortress must be abandoned for any reason, it is *vital* no Dwarven technology fall into the hands of our enemies. Surely you don't want to see goblins wearing our precious masterwork steel, or---Reg Furnacemountains (god of fortresses and war) forbid---an artifact! Imagine the havok that would ensue if humans had access to our mechanisms! To date, the most efficient method we have discovered for preventing any future non-Dwarven inhabitants of or visitors to a site from stealing anything dangerous is simply to leave the site in such a state of chaos that they give up hope of ever finding anything useful.
It is our sincere hope that you will read through not just chapter 7 but the entirety of the Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book. Remember, there are rules for a *reason*.
Yours sincerely,
Bomrek Datanbomrek,
Undersecretary for the Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs
Side question, Do goblins starve?
Dear whatever jackass decided to bring the yak to the middle of a frozen wasteland that regularly gets rain of abhorrent filth,
Please read the following frequently asked questions regarding animal care in dwarf fortress:
Q: What happens when a yak has no grass to eat?
A: It starves to death.
Q: What happens when a creature starves to death in the middle of an evil biome?
A: It turns undead before anyone has a chance to move.
[Snip]
Do we understand each other? Oh well, too late. I am quite confident that whoever's yak it was will be regretting the decision very quickly.
R/OS
Dear Atu NgokGoblin,
...been locked inside.
Dear Urists,The safe way to dig multi-level channels is to (d)ig out every level normally first, haul the stone away, and then dig the c(h)annels. And even then you have to be careful about miners digging out the floor that another miner stands on. You might want to restrict mining to a single dorf for the duration of the channeling, or set up individual, separate burrows for each miner.
When I say "dig a 50 z-level vertical shaft for my main driveshaft", I don't mean "have one dwarf climb all the way to the top and start digging down dropping rocks on the head of everyone digging up."
Wait. Solon? Heh.
You gotta read this. (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=120751.msg5012771#msg5012771)
Dear Urist McMayor,This is why you always build a floodgate into your mayoral quarters.
etc.
Without the slightest bit of regret,
Overseer
And then fight each other to the lastmanDwarf.
To Our Militia,
Yes, he was a child with enormous potential. Yes, his artifact could have been good, even great. And yes, perhaps a little supply chain management could have prevented the senseless tragedy ending with his poor innocent body being torn to pieces by war dogs. I understand that emotions were running high.
Still.
The answer to this problem was not to split into two separate groups, slaughter the medical staff, and then fight each other to the last man.
I expect better.
- The Overseer
When you evacuate the fort due to abandonment, please keep your clothes on, do not throw furniture all over the place, and do NOT shoot crossbows wildly all over the place. Seriously, the living quarters, mess halls and the outside are a mess.
Dear Overseer:
Thank you for your feedback. The Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs is always glad to hear from our valued citizens.
If you would kindly take a moment to look over the language in §c, ¶5, of chapter 7 (Standard Procedures for Protection of Mountainhomes Intellectual Property and State Secrets) of your Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book, furnished to you at no extra charge when you signed your contract, you'll find that if a fortress must be abandoned for any reason, it is *vital* no Dwarven technology fall into the hands of our enemies. Surely you don't want to see goblins wearing our precious masterwork steel, or---Reg Furnacemountains (god of fortresses and war) forbid---an artifact! Imagine the havok that would ensue if humans had access to our mechanisms! To date, the most efficient method we have discovered for preventing any future non-Dwarven inhabitants of or visitors to a site from stealing anything dangerous is simply to leave the site in such a state of chaos that they give up hope of ever finding anything useful.
It is our sincere hope that you will read through not just chapter 7 but the entirety of the Fortress Management Standards and Procedures book. Remember, there are rules for a *reason*.
Yours sincerely,
Bomrek Datanbomrek,
Undersecretary for the Mountainhomes Bureau of Internal Affairs
Dear Mr. Datanbomrek,
I see you have a point. Our reclamation team found what may have been goblin corpses strewn about. While the team's memory is quite fuzzy and we have no idea of the cause of this, we assumed the disarray caused the goblins to annihilate themselves. We will be sure to employ this tactic much more in the future. Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Overseer
Dear Urist McSecretiveWeaponsmith,
Why did you have to go insane right before we could breach the aquifer?
Dear residents of The Joyful Land of Ghouls,
In an effort to prepare you for the future, please take a copy of the following bulletin:
Do not climb into the trees,
lest you fall and break your knees.
And please dont climb volcanic rocks,
just to path to surface +socks+.
Some undead limbs have zero mass,
so dont fight them, just build walls fast.
And please don't start a baby flood,
they'll die, and rise, and thirst for blood.
So keep this pamplet in your hands,
that you may live, in Joyful Lands.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Dear Captain Uvash, [snip]
Dear Captain Uvash, [snip]Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Ok that is a very nice cabinet, i approve immensely but i do have one question...."A gneiss cabinet."Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whats it's other name?
Ok that is a very nice cabinet, i approve immensely but i do have one question...."A gneiss cabinet."Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Whats it's other name?
They thought it was a very gneiss pun.
Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
Rock puns may be bad, but don't take them for granite.Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
Rock puns may be bad, but don't take them for granite.Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
Rock puns may be bad, but don't take them for granite.Ooh, rock puns are the schist.They're DOLOMITE!
The slightly derailed topic has hit rock bottom.
These rock puns are coal, man.
I beg to differ; they're quite the borax.These rock puns are coal, man.
They're to dia-mond for.
Truly a marble to behold.
(I think we may be in for some pumicement if these puns continue.)
Truly a marble to behold.
(I think we may be in for some pumicement if these puns continue.)
They are gniess and all, but we should be adamantine about staying on topic.
Note to Urist McHauler; Re: Suicidal practicesyea no, restricted doesn't work if the object they want is in the restricted zone.
I understand you want to get the dead cat off the mine tracks. I forbade it for a reason. That means you should not go and get it. Especially after seeing the tracks as restricted. And to those that followed, I understand you want to retrieve Urist McMiner's corpse and belongings, but in jumping into path of the minecart rocking back and forth over two spaces, you are only COMPOUNDING THE CORPSE PILE.
Thank you for not killing yourselves.
Dear dwarves, and all the members of this forum,
Please explain the gneiss pun... I honestly don't get it.
No really, I don't.
Dear dwarves, and all the members of this forum,
Please explain the gneiss pun... I honestly don't get it.
No really, I don't.
Dear Urist McRambos,
I appreciate the fact that your 9 man squad was able to tear through the 80 goblin/troll force that marched on our fort. You'll all be hailed as heroes, with new rooms and your own personal war bears (once they grow up anyway). However, did you really have to do it be severing every possible limb of each of the invaders?
What could have been about 80 hauling jobs has turned into far more than I want to count. There's not enough dwarf power in the world to haul all those heads, torsos, legs and arms (upper and lower) to the refuse stockpile before the miamsa starts to spread. I better not hear any complaints about it from any of you, or those new rooms might come installed with magma pipes.
With warm regards,
Your Overseer
That is just conjecture from someone who updated the wiki page.
Can't you just set their bodies out until they rot and use the bones anyway? Either way it should just be a quick edit of the ethics file and back to merbutchery.
In that case, why not just alter all creatures' raw entries to have arbitrarily high value value modifiers?
They decompose into an unbutcherable skeleton. To get bones (of anything that leaves a skeleton) without butchering, you need to kill them in a way that guarantees dismemberment. Then only the body will become a skeleton while the limbs and head decompose into a skull and indivdual "bones." This is how you can get the occasional goblin bone crafts/bolts.
And yeah, if you want to do this, add value multipliers in the raws.
Dear Overseer Nyxalinth,
Why should I bother setting up farm plots? I put a dozen barrels in an out-of-the-way stockpile, came back two weeks later, and they were all filled with food! Mind you, I had to fight some anonymous bandits to get to it, but it worked! As a bonus, I accidentally left a -coffer- I was hauling nearby, and I found a full set of masterful steel plate inside, though I had to fight a giant robot thing to get to that. Two weeks later, I fought the same bandits and robot and got more free food and armor! Tell me again why you want me to waste time farming?
Yours sincerely,
Ngerthamek the Dwemer
Deear Urist McFisher,
I can only guess how you could achieve such an incredible ability in your job. You could be able to feed the entire fortress by yourself spending a day at the river!
Notice how I said you COULD do it? That's because you seem to forget something quite important.
You see, dwarves don't like raw, unprepared fish for dinner; they usually want someone to do something with it, to make it actually possible to eat.
I also noticed that you are the only one who is able to do such thing in our fortress, being as good at fish cleaning as you are at fishing. i foolishly expected to do such thing sooner or later.
Anyway, this doesn't matter anymore. Do you hear that noise? I'll explain to you what that noise is.
My fortress is still young, I don't have a single door yet, and I just had time to dig an underground water tank (that doubles as your fishing zone) before before hiding from the giant wolves outside; therefore if you capture and leave at your feet dozens of fishes, they will sooner or later start to rot and spread miasma everywhere. Now, you might be estatic for your great life, but somebody else is not. And that cloud of miasma happened to be the final blow to their sanity. that's why we now have two berserk dwarves in the meeting hall, killing everyone on sight. Also, one of them is our miner. He will find you in a minute.
Our fortress is doomed, and it looks like it was your fault... Great work.
Sincerely,
your sad, sad Overseer.
yes, we have received your demand of a... lead bed to be placed in your tomb. Now, we always try to fulfill our nobles' wishes, but if you think for a moment about the current state of Dwarven artifice you'll realize yourself why this kind of item simply can not be done.
What version of DF are you playing? Anything like that should be a request, not a mandate, and can be reasonably ignored unless you're verging on a Tantrum Spiral.
Greetings all,
I don't even know what to say at this point. Six people are dead. I think by now it was last year that I told you to pull a lever in the dining room. That place where you're all hanging out. Not a sodding one of you will pull the damn lever and then you get angry about it. Don't look at me for this problem, you incompetent pricks, this is your fault. Your families and your friends are dead, and you're pissed off and the reason for all of this woe is because all of you are too busy doing nothing to reach out and pull a lever.
Dear Urist McAxedwarf.Does Urist McAxedwarf have misc. object user skill (used for bashing with shields) higher than axeman? In arena testing I have found that dwarves favor using the weapon with which they are more skilled pretty heavily, so if this is the case you could have him train without a shield until his axeman skill is higher than his misc. object user skill.
I understand you love your shield so much, that all your seven kills including a giant were aquired by bashing their heads in with it. But for the love of Armok, That masterwork steel axe, you have in your other hand was not an easy thing to forge, especially on an embark with no iron ore, flux stone or coal, please use it.
Dear Urist,Maybe the refuse stockpiles are full?
Bits of bones and animal bits are clogging the butcher chop. Also, vermin remains litter the food stockpile. Why won't you and your dorfy brethren pick them up? I've got refuse collecting turned on, and dwarves are set to gather refuse. And there are plenty of idlers who could be dealing with this! What is the problem?
That's interesting, I will look into it, when home
Does Urist McAxedwarf have misc. object user skill (used for bashing with shields) higher than axeman? In arena testing I have found that dwarves favor using the weapon with which they are more skilled pretty heavily, so if this is the case you could have him train without a shield until his axeman skill is higher than his misc. object user skill.
I didn't specifically test shields (I found that they will use swords/axes etc instead of crossbows in melee combat if their sword/axe skill is higher than their hammer skill), so it may not be relevant in this case. He may just beinsanea dwarf.
Dear Urist,Maybe the refuse stockpiles are full?
Bits of bones and animal bits are clogging the butcher chop. Also, vermin remains litter the food stockpile. Why won't you and your dorfy brethren pick them up? I've got refuse collecting turned on, and dwarves are set to gather refuse. And there are plenty of idlers who could be dealing with this! What is the problem?
No, they're pretty much empty. It's a newish fort.
Dear Urist,
Bits of bones and animal bits are clogging the butcher chop. Also, vermin remains litter the food stockpile. Why won't you and your dorfy brethren pick them up? I've got refuse collecting turned on, and dwarves are set to gather refuse. And there are plenty of idlers who could be dealing with this! What is the problem?
Migrants,#First World Problems :P
It's good to see new additions to our fortress, but did you really need to bring so many animals? Seriously, I think you brought double the amount we had.
Urist McPatriot,
I understand you love a certain dwarven civilisation. While this is all good, can you please stop engraving pear-cut gems (the civilisation's symbol) onto the dining room walls. And no, you're magpie men engravings are not a good replacement.
Dear Overseer ThisFox,
Unlike some folk, I dinnae ha' a magic map what tells me wot's happenin' all 'round th' fort. If ye knew tha' th' water was tainted or tha' there was a partic'lerly nice waterin' hole somewhere about, ye ought tae ha' posted signs! I bet someone could whip ye up a "water zone" sign an' loads o' "Zone-only drinking" signs (th' latter usin' th' standin' orders form, o'course).
Sincerely,
Urist McGreatNowI'mProbablyAWerebeast
Dear Urist McHunter,
I thought that your superior ability as a hunter was supposed to help you in the choice of your prey.
Instead, as soon as we gave you a brand new crossbow and bolts, you left the fort, ran right past the pack of deers without even noticing them, reached the corner of the map, and killed a giant slug.
Sure, it's a valuable effort, and an amazing display of abilities; but now we are eating slimy, weird slug meat, instead of normal, delicious deer meat.
Dear Urist McWeretapir
I understand that you have broken your fingers, but would you PLEASE move to a hospital room instead of lying there so I can wall you in already, before you cause any more damage?
Dear pretty much every dwarf:
I do not want to hear anything about how bad the water is.
NOT. ONE. WORD. ABOUT. THE. WATER.
Watch the freaking booze supply better next time, you IGNORED me when I asked for you guys to brew that pile of plump helmets, and yes I checked and at least 3 of you are brewers, then when some wine was traded for so you idiots would stop complaining, you guys loafed around until a kea man raid stole it. Now you are stuck with swamp water until you actually brew something.
-a VERY annoyed overseer
P.S.: There are freaking empty barrels everywhere so don't give that excuse either.
Dear Urist McMiner
I know the stone is warm. I know that means magma is nearby. I also know that magma does not flow upward unless prompted, and that you are only digging ABOVE magma.
So dig out the goddamn forges already.
Signed,
Your extremely annoyed Overseer
However refusing to allow me to bring bins containing valuable trade goods to the trade depot because they also contain aforementioned picks is incredibly inconvenient.You can disable culling on mandates when selecting goods. Just don't accidentally trade the goods marked in purple. -Urist McBroker
I didn't know that, thanks! :)However refusing to allow me to bring bins containing valuable trade goods to the trade depot because they also contain aforementioned picks is incredibly inconvenient.You can disable culling on mandates when selecting goods. Just don't accidentally trade the goods marked in purple. -Urist McBroker
Dear Urist McDisgruntled:
Why are you unhappy? Our fortress is the greatest gift to dwarf-kind. Exceptional and Masterwork golden statues line the halls, we have over ten types of booze on tap, dozens of different dishes prepared by our legendary chefs, a strong military that gives a sound thumping to any goblin invasion that tries to take our wealth, and a broad assortment of masterfully dyed plant thread and yarn clothing. Nobody has died in over five years. We've never been more prosperous. We've got tame giant war lions killing goblin captives for our amusement while the King sips dwarven ale from his golden goblet that menaces with spikes of ruby while eating a giant boar meat roast. The well is made from gold blocks with masterwork platinum mechanisms, buckets, and chains and is surrounded by statues and engravings. You even became a father recently.
WHY ARE YOU UNHAPPY?
Sincerely,
Your frustrated Overseer
wood is not hard to get in any tree bearing biome this version. and depending where he drowned you can channel your axe out. deconstruct your wagon and train!Even without the axe, if he chopped a tree down, or you deconstruct the wagon, make a training axe. That still chops trees.
or atleast have Urist Mcpopular stand infront of the bridge and show everyone his amazing vanishing trickLooks like Urist McPopular is the swordsdwarf in The Bard's fort. ;)
No, I don't care that you survived. Nor do I care that the resultant mist made the rest of your squad happy. That was wreckless and stupid and... what do you mean you ended up falling in while wrestling the kea to death?Wrestling a kea and doing a swan-dive from a tree into the moat, with his squad cheering for this feat of recklessness, water splashing everywhere? Now that's just showing off! :D
Oh. Well good job soldier. Carry on.
Even without the axe, if he chopped a tree down, or you deconstruct the wagon, make a training axe. That still chops trees.Good thing it wasn't Minecraft, or they'd have to punch down trees with their bare fists...
Dear Urist McSlacker.
What a great party last night it was! At first no one seemed to come, so for a moment I even considered not to replace your bedroom door with a solid wall whilst you be sleepin'. But then you somehow passed the vibe to The Broker, who started to party like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, at the same time he has been desperately needed at the Trade depot. Soon after, the sneaky elves packed up and embarked away, along with all the booze we were supposed to trade with them for a pile of blood-stained goblin socks and worthless stone trinkets. I hope you enjoyed the party you organized, because with the alcohol caravan gone it will be a long time before you can party again.
Truly pissed,
The Overseer
Dear Everyone McHaulerDear Overseer.
It is nice that you understand that corpses belong in graves and I applaude that knowledge. However, as you probably noticed, that particular corpse is currently in the river. You can either wait for that section of the river to dry thanks to the floodgates we built, or wait until winter to dig it out of the ice; but please understand that you can stop complaining about it for the moment, as I have no immediate way of changing the situation.
Note to Everyone,Dear Overseer,
For the love of god, DUMP THE ROCKS ALREADY. I have two perfectly good garbage dumps, and I know for a fact 30 of you are sitting around doing nothing! Pull your weight!
-Your very angry overseer
Dear Kobold Thief:
How, exactly, did you manage to kill two dwarves, four peahens, and three dogs? You're like, waist height on a dwarf.
Dear dorfs,
When you mined out the area for the zoo, I didn't mean mine out the stairs and starve yourselfs IN THAT HOLE. I thought you were smarter than this.
Dear ButchersDear Overseer,
Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.
I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
Also, note that there's a bug currently that mixes up outside and inside refuse orders, which means that if you forbid what is labeled "inside refuse", you're actually forbidding outside refuse.Dear ButchersDear Overseer,
Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.
I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden. We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile. Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it. Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves
Dear rest of the hauler corps,
Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.
Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
Dear rest of the hauler corps,
Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.
Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
I'm at the point where I'm selling my bags of pits and treeseeds to the merchants, and buying empty bags in their place. It's very annoying. I wonder if I can forbid the pits and move the bags? Would that work? {wanders off to find out}
Dear rest of the hauler corps,
Stop gathering all those plum and cherry pits and apple seeds. They cannot be planted anyway; they are just a waste of bags. The titan silk farm is not for making infinite bags.
Yours, the overseer of Sprycanyon.
I'm at the point where I'm selling my bags of pits and treeseeds to the merchants, and buying empty bags in their place. It's very annoying. I wonder if I can forbid the pits and move the bags? Would that work? {wanders off to find out}
Maybe just try to use apples, cherries, and other fruits producing useless seeds for cooking, and forbid brewing so they don't produce any seeds? Unless your nobles have a strong need for the associated booze, I'm guessing you have more than enough variety of booze in your fort without brewing apples and cherries. Any unless dwarves for some reason really like raw apples/cherries, they don't tend to eat raw food if prepared meals are available.Actually, as I was writing this an even simpler idea occurred to me - can't you just enable cooking of all the useless seeds? I haven't actually played a fort in the new version yet, but by default cooking of all seeds is disabled, but can be enabled in the kitchen menu. Then you can turn all those useless apple seeds into tasty apple seed roasts.
Edit - based on the raws, it looks like apple seeds and cherry pits aren't edible, so that won't work. Oh well. I think you could make the annoying seeds go away by just removing [GROWTH_HAS_SEED] under [GROWTH:FRUIT] for the offending plants. I haven't tried this, so I don't know if it would actually work or cause any other problems. Or just don't brew them, as described above. Or you could add [EDIBLE_RAW] and/or [EDIBLE_COOKED] to the seeds. Or it would be probably be pretty easy to add a reaction to process them into oil, like with rock nuts.
They will. Each winter, I go through the seed stockpile and magma-dump all the useless seeds.
To Kor, Militia Commander,
You were my favorite fortress member this embark. Your purpose as one of the starting 7 was your proficient teaching skill, and not only did you teach an entire squad to be masters of the sword, you were the most reliable warrior in the fortress, with 4 kills under your belt when most others didn't have 1. You weren't even of the custom race's primary warrior caste, yet you outperformed the larger and stronger red and black dracon you were teaching in every way.
Dear Urist McDoctor,
Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.
My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.
But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.
Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie
Dear Urist McDoctor,
Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.
My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.
But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.
Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie
Dear McJackie;
Now, dont be tellin' noone this, but Ive got a little secret for ya. Corpses can-no pollute wells. Its perfectly okay to drink corpse water, and Ill get to see the whole fort now!
Dear Urist McBitten,
When I put you in quarantaine because you were bitten by that weregila last week, but didn't have "Weregila extract injected in the dwarf blood", I expect you to head to your burrow immediately, instead of hanging around in the kitchen and going to your burrow five minutes before the full moon.
Signed,
Me
Dear Urist McInfectee,
First of all, good job on survivin' that werelizard attack. Not much of a feat, considering most of what he did was bite you once (in the head), smash your hand (bringing you dangerously close to bleedin' out, but good job not doing that), and then spent about... I don't know, could'a been a whole day, maybe longer, whalin' on your head with a sock he'd taken from his only other victim.
Second of all, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me you had the apparent ability to completely disintegrate a zinc door to make your escape from quarantine. I'm both impressed and annoyed, especially since this means I'll have to actually wall you in while I try and decide whether I should have the military butcher you in cold blood or just keep you walled in, forever, perhaps making bone crafts or something? Maybe I'll give you your own forge and put you to work getting rid of all this useless lead we have kicking around. How's that sound? Metalcrafting forever in solitude? I'm just not sure if having you killed (while transformed, naturally) will cause problems or not. Probably not, but y'know what?
I'd feel kinda bad about it.
You heard me. I would feel remorse. For killing you. On account of this not really being your fault. So, here's the deal. For however long it takes for us to get you sealed up proper - if you can keep yourself from infecting anyone else during that time (especially anyone important), you can be our recluse craftsmaker. We'll drop in food and stuff... when we remember to. Sure, your family will miss you. But I'm fairly sure you probably aren't pregnant, considering our pop cap's been reached, so on the bright side, if you do have a baby you probably won't give in to bloodlust and tear it limb from limb.
...GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SPIDER SILK DROP ZONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU ABOMINATION! BEFORE THE BAD MOON RISES AGAIN!
With love,
your overseer.
Dear Urist McInfectee,
First of all, good job on survivin' that werelizard attack. Not much of a feat, considering most of what he did was bite you once (in the head), smash your hand (bringing you dangerously close to bleedin' out, but good job not doing that), and then spent about... I don't know, could'a been a whole day, maybe longer, whalin' on your head with a sock he'd taken from his only other victim.
Second of all, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me you had the apparent ability to completely disintegrate a zinc door to make your escape from quarantine. I'm both impressed and annoyed, especially since this means I'll have to actually wall you in while I try and decide whether I should have the military butcher you in cold blood or just keep you walled in, forever, perhaps making bone crafts or something? Maybe I'll give you your own forge and put you to work getting rid of all this useless lead we have kicking around. How's that sound? Metalcrafting forever in solitude? I'm just not sure if having you killed (while transformed, naturally) will cause problems or not. Probably not, but y'know what?
I'd feel kinda bad about it.
You heard me. I would feel remorse. For killing you. On account of this not really being your fault. So, here's the deal. For however long it takes for us to get you sealed up proper - if you can keep yourself from infecting anyone else during that time (especially anyone important), you can be our recluse craftsmaker. We'll drop in food and stuff... when we remember to. Sure, your family will miss you. But I'm fairly sure you probably aren't pregnant, considering our pop cap's been reached, so on the bright side, if you do have a baby you probably won't give in to bloodlust and tear it limb from limb.
...GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SPIDER SILK DROP ZONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU ABOMINATION! BEFORE THE BAD MOON RISES AGAIN!
With love,
your overseer.
Dear Overseer;
Stick a needle in ya eye! If I wanted or needed food I'd take a bite out of a neighbor! Best send me to live in the caverns.
P.S. Keep ya stinkin' booze too!
Shitty Lead craft? Ha! Let us see you do better, Mr. I-never-do-anything-but-criticize-you-anyway Overseer! Also, gettin' clobbed in the hedd with a sok is no joke. I seen 5 Dwarfs killed that way, and dink I sufered bran damag.Dear Urist McInfectee,
First of all, good job on survivin' that werelizard attack. Not much of a feat, considering most of what he did was bite you once (in the head), smash your hand (bringing you dangerously close to bleedin' out, but good job not doing that), and then spent about... I don't know, could'a been a whole day, maybe longer, whalin' on your head with a sock he'd taken from his only other victim.
Second of all, I would have appreciated it if you'd told me you had the apparent ability to completely disintegrate a zinc door to make your escape from quarantine. I'm both impressed and annoyed, especially since this means I'll have to actually wall you in while I try and decide whether I should have the military butcher you in cold blood or just keep you walled in, forever, perhaps making bone crafts or something? Maybe I'll give you your own forge and put you to work getting rid of all this useless lead we have kicking around. How's that sound? Metalcrafting forever in solitude? I'm just not sure if having you killed (while transformed, naturally) will cause problems or not. Probably not, but y'know what?
I'd feel kinda bad about it.
You heard me. I would feel remorse. For killing you. On account of this not really being your fault. So, here's the deal. For however long it takes for us to get you sealed up proper - if you can keep yourself from infecting anyone else during that time (especially anyone important), you can be our recluse craftsmaker. We'll drop in food and stuff... when we remember to. Sure, your family will miss you. But I'm fairly sure you probably aren't pregnant, considering our pop cap's been reached, so on the bright side, if you do have a baby you probably won't give in to bloodlust and tear it limb from limb.
...GET BACK IN THE FUCKING SPIDER SILK DROP ZONE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, YOU ABOMINATION! BEFORE THE BAD MOON RISES AGAIN!
With love,
your overseer.
Dear Overseer;
Stick a needle in ya eye! If I wanted or needed food I'd take a bite out of a neighbor! Best send me to live in the caverns.
P.S. Keep ya stinkin' booze too!
Urist McInfectee,
Pfuh to you, lady! You know just as well as I do that we have an open-access caverns policy at this fort. I see your tricks! And you're gettin' booze whether you like it or not! I don't want to wait a month for a single shitty lead craft!
dear urist mcbrokerDear overseer,
when i say "broker requested at depot" i mean right away, not after you've put the rubbish out despite you not being designated to do that
those elves had wood we needed, we got no trees about and YOU ruined everyone's chances of having a bed in the near future.
yours,
the overseer
dear urist mcbrokerDear overseer,
when i say "broker requested at depot" i mean right away, not after you've put the rubbish out despite you not being designated to do that
those elves had wood we needed, we got no trees about and YOU ruined everyone's chances of having a bed in the near future.
yours,
the overseer
The militia promised they would have taken care of obtaining the wood by "agreement", but they were interrupted when you ordered them to go after the forgotten beast that has been causing combat log spam for a very long time.
Sincerely,
Urist Mc Broker
Managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATERSigged :P
Dear Urist McBetterDeadThanSoberDear Overseer,
I have no idea how you get stuck into the well but, as an overseer, it's my duty to plan ahead and make sure the infrastructures in our fortress are safe. I take all responsibility for this truly unfortunate accident, and I present, to you and your clan, my most sincere apologies, it won't happen again.
Falling into the cistern of a well, if it goes unnoticed, can be a very dangerous situation indeed. One could die of exhaustion in that well, of hunger, of drowning, of the fall, one could die in so many tragic ways. But not you. You chose the pathetic way.
So, really Urist, tell me, I would like to know how you managed TO DIE OF THIRST IN A CISTERN FULL OF WATER ?!
Sincerely,
Your disappointed Overseer.
More seriously a staircase going to the cistern is of help.
Dear ButchersDear Overseer,
Since our glorious Baron, exalted and celebrated leader, slayer of Nona Scabrousessteams The Obscurity of Scarring the Minotaur, was kind enough to mine a 730 year old dragon's head open on the beach the other day I just thought we might take advantage of this by using some of the remains.
I mean the thing is twice the size of a hydra and clad in scales as hard as steel and bones and hard as rock and possessing enough meat to sate our hunger for a generation maybe you guys should F**KING BUTCHER IT instead of letting it's carcas get washed up and down the beach like a f**king whale.
We can't very well butcher the creature when you have (O)rdered that outside refuse is (F)orbidden. We certainly don't mind working near the beach for a bit, so alternatively you could give us an ocean-side butcher shop and stockpile. Whatever you think is best here, we'll follow it. Sincerely, your kitchen Dwarves
Dear Urists in the military,
Please kill the vulture murdering our legendary cook instead of just standing right next to it while placing bets.
Signed, Baffled Overseer.
P.S. The vulture has also collapsed from exhaustion, so get on with it.
Guv'nor;
I cannot get out of this bed. You see, I feel a charie horse come along every time I try. That magma room sure does look nice, but so does sittin' here getting pampered by the best doctors your money can buy. As Im sure youve noticed, Im not interested in your food; cooked meat just isnt apettizing any longer. And booze? enh. Im sure Ill be fine.
Just keep telling me to do things. Dont dconstruct my bed and throw me out of bed. I like it.
Urist
Dear Mayor,
Please stop mandating the construction of flutes. You know very well that you can't play, and that pretty much no living thing in the world can.
Signed,
The actual mayor.
Dear Urist McDoctor,
Yes, yes, I know you're excited about the amazing new well in the Hospital. I am too! This the very first time I've ever ordered a seperate well all just for tbe benefit of better healthcare. See, I was worried some poor injured fellow would accidentally get knocked in. See, I had the brilliant idea to put it in its own room to ensure only the able bodied medics would bother with it.
My mistake was thinking you were able-bodied. You have proven, in spectacular fashion, I shouldn't have bothered with all the plumbing and time spent on it. I need a clean well. A clean well I can no longer have thanks to your corspe at the bottom of the well.
But don't worry! I've locked the door, and no one can follow or disturb your final resting place.
Your annoyed Overseer,
Jackie
Dear Armok,
Stop putting the volcanoes on tiny islands miles out in the ocean. We can't throw goblins into them if the goblins can't reach them.
Sincerely,
Someone who has not made nearly as many offerings as he would like to
Dear Urist McExpeditionLeader:
Are you sure you don't have any better name for the fortress? Really?
Dear Jackie,
RETURN TO AUTOBOT HEADQUARTERS AND CEASE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES ALL DAY.
Signed, Ultry.
Dear Urist McCripple,Take away his cabinet. He'll leave it on the floor. Assuming he can get it to the room.
The giant gray langurs endemic to our new home have been a perennial pain in the beard for some time now, stealing things like clothing, bins of fruit, and the majority of the bones formerly located in your hands. While I can appreciate the tragedy of your situation and respect your determination to carry on with your dorfy life, I would deeply appreciate it if you would stop trying to get your spare hat into your cabinet with your feet and, more to the point, complaining to me when it does not work out.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer, who has better things to do than worry about whether or not you can organize your socks
P.S. Since I'm pretty sure at least one of you is too new to know about Lonetaught; he was a blind cave ogre that popped up while I was carving out the dining hall. He killed three dwarves before we got rid of him.
Dear Urist McLegendaryGelder:
No.
Sincerely, The unpixilated man.
I wish dwarves would choke when an enemy is unconscious, so that they wouldn't just stand there pummeling a half-dead whatever.You don't want that. Nope. If dwarves started prioritizing wrestling than everything else would too. Nope.
ETA: To add to the hilarity, other dorfs are bringing them food and water when they get hungry or thirsty.
Stop beating on that panda and get back to work! She wasn't bothering any of you, aside from cancellation spam. Seriously, you're going to piss off the Chinese government. Also, Mists of Pandaria may not have been the best WoW xpac, but it was still fun.
I hope that cloud makes you sterile; death is already coming in the form of a duck.Only in DF.
I do not see the duck thrall in the image.I hope that cloud makes you sterile; death is already coming in the form of a duck.Only in DF.
Dear Mafol, future military commander
You deserve this for going on break after you hooked up the mechanisms to the bridge but before you pulled the lever. At least the migrants stand a chance now. Maybe.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
I hope that cloud makes you sterile; death is already coming in the form of a duck.
An overseer who doesn't care any more.
I don't get it. What cloud, what duck, what's all that grey and purple stuff?
Dear brewers of Dakostamal,
Whilst I admire your ambition, nay expertise, radishes are not a suitable item for the still. I've mostly got my eyesight back now but two of our senior military dwarves may not be so lucky. We will be loading all two hundred barrels of said product on to the wagons of the next passing elf caravan with good riddance. If they go blind, they won't be able to find us.
Yours gratefully,
Overseer of Dakostamal, "Floorteach"
Wait, why would radishes cause people to go blind? Do they brew into methanol or something?
A note to MoodyOrc McWeaponSmithFair enough.
I hate you. I HATE YOU.
We had bloodsteel, we had iron, we had damn near every weapons grade material you can think of, and exactly ONE bar of Bifrost. Bifrost that I was saving for a sword, and what do you go and grab?
You grab. The fucking. Bifrost.
Now, not only have you wasted it on a fucking BOLA THROWER, you have added 210,000 OrcBux in value to the fortress. This is bound to bring heavily armed sieges to our front door, when we have a military that is barely geared enough to handle a siege from the elves armed with blunt mithril weaponry.
It is, for this reason, I am executing you. We have two other weaponsmiths, who I can easily train to legendary. You are worthless to me, and since you have commited this mistake, you will be made an example of.
Ta-Fucking-Ta,
Your pissed off Overseer.
Damnit Guys! Stay off the grass with the sludge on it! Its not a hard concept, is it? How many traffic orders do I have to put up?STAY OFF THE FRACKING GRASS YOU STUPID SIMPLETONS! THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON THE SLUDGE! EVERYONE WHO DOES DIES OF BRAINROT IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES, AND LIQUEFIES IN THE WORST CASES!!!
You see anything that walks on it dies 2 clicks after it touches it, and you see a strange substance on them bodies! Stay off the grass!
Administration.
Damnit Guys! Stay off the grass with the sludge on it! Its not a hard concept, is it? How many traffic orders do I have to put up?STAY OFF THE FRACKING GRASS YOU STUPID SIMPLETONS! THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON THE SLUDGE! EVERYONE WHO DOES DIES OF BRAINROT IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES, AND LIQUEFIES IN THE WORST CASES!!!
You see anything that walks on it dies 2 clicks after it touches it, and you see a strange substance on them bodies! Stay off the grass!
Administration.
YOU DON"T NEED THE WEAPONSMITH"S SOCKS, BECAUSE THEY ARE COATED IN NECROTIC BACTERIA! CEASE YOUR INSISTENCE ON WANDERING OVER THERE!
It was inevitable.Damnit Guys! Stay off the grass with the sludge on it! Its not a hard concept, is it? How many traffic orders do I have to put up?STAY OFF THE FRACKING GRASS YOU STUPID SIMPLETONS! THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON THE SLUDGE! EVERYONE WHO DOES DIES OF BRAINROT IN THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES, AND LIQUEFIES IN THE WORST CASES!!!
You see anything that walks on it dies 2 clicks after it touches it, and you see a strange substance on them bodies! Stay off the grass!
Administration.
YOU DON"T NEED THE WEAPONSMITH"S SOCKS, BECAUSE THEY ARE COATED IN NECROTIC BACTERIA! CEASE YOUR INSISTENCE ON WANDERING OVER THERE!
Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. why are you standing in the sludge? Get out of the sludge. You died.
Dwarf: Oh, I thought I was supposed to be iN the sludge...
Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. why are you in the sludge again? Get out of the sludge. Get out of the sludge. You're dead.
Dear Urist mcEveryone,Urist 1 has been scuttled!
how, in the name of Armok, did you think THAT was a good place to stop the wagon?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Well, I tried. But you could barely reach your picks before the ice melted, so it's not my fault at all. Have fun in the water, you idiots!
EDIT: Nope, nobody survived. Well, this was interesting...
Dear Urist mcEveryone,
how, in the name of Armok, did you think THAT was a good place to stop the wagon?Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Zuglar,http://youtu.be/LPU7V64_K3s?t=20m46s
I have chosen you to carve the one fortification needed for our glass industry. Was it absolutely necessary to lick the magma?
Now we have come to this...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Dear Zuglar,
I have chosen you to carve the one fortification needed for our glass industry. Was it absolutely necessary to lick the magma?
Now we have come to this...Spoiler (click to show/hide)
It's more likely to be an evil biome. If the wrestler corpse also manages to rise (before it gets degraded out of existence by the fire), there'd be genuine ‼fun‼ in the fort.It is. I hope he doesn't. Returning to the topic:
He boiled it to death with his own blood ????It's more likely to be an evil biome. If the wrestler corpse also manages to rise (before it gets degraded out of existence by the fire), there'd be genuine ‼fun‼ in the fort.It is. I hope he doesn't. Returning to the topic:
Dear Dumat,
you have managed to succeed where many others failed. Well done!
Also, congratulations for the most !!dwarven!! way to kill a zombie.Your well-deserved price is this nice ☼gabbro coffin☼Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Please do rest in peace.
]
Yup. He did. Very very !!dwarfy!! indeed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Fortress:
I just heard that another fortress has dwarves who are capable of destroying each other using their own weaponised blood. You lot couldn't kill an angry capybara in the dining room with decorated weapons and plate armour! I'm very disappointed. The children it managed to maim and kill are very disappointed as well. And now we have a depressed doctor. The Gods only know how that's going to turn out. Good luck recovering from your capybara-induced injuries without a trained doctor.
--The Overseer.
Dear Urist McBroker,Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe he
I ordered you to the depot to trade with the elves, only to be told you couldn't access it.
I was extremely puzzled as to how this could be, so I tracked you down.
Now I'd like to know, how the hell did you get up there!?You're badly injured but all the the combat log shows is a couple of lines about various body parts "taking the full force of the impact".Spoiler (click to show/hide)
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.
Sincerely,
The (thoroughly confused) Overseer.
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe hethought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that treehad a climbing mishap from a higher level.)
What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe hethought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that treehad a climbing mishap from a higher level.)
It's possible. I've had horses suddenly and unexpectedly up trees that weren't there before. Also, on at least one occasion, the merchant caravan got hit by a fast growing tree... They're dangerous things.
Dear Urist McMason:
I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?
If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.
- Overseer 'Gutsy'
Dear Urist McMason:
I am a huge fan of stonemasonry, so I have a lot of respect for what you do. In fact, I built your stonemason workshop especially for you! I even put a stockpile of rocks next door, so you wouldn't have far to walk. Why then, do you insist on dragging stones from the deepest reaches of the mines- when there are several hundred closer rocks mere feet away from your workstation?
If you continue this behavior, the Fortress Guard may have you deemed 'clinically insane', a title punishable by exile and/or death. Please consider your behavior carefully in the future.
- Overseer 'Gutsy'
Dear annoying overseer Gutsy:
We Dwarves will always be able to smell out good stone beneath or above us better than we can smell them on our current level, the Fortress Guard will support me on this matter.
If ye moved yer fancy stone stockpile a Z level below me and placed the stairs next to me workshop, then I will almost certainly use that instead.
Yours truly, Urist McMason.
(I'm pretty sure there was a bug that caused Dwarves to not be able to factor Z levels into distance, so they'll go deep under ground to grab a rock rather then one in the stock pile because the rock was right under him when he was at his workshop.)
(It may have been fixed though.)
ATTN: all MarksdwarvesATTN: Kadol Ensebdastot, militia commander
You have ranged weapons for a reason. DO NOT engage the undead in melee combat. For Armok's sake, use your heads!
Kadol Ensebdastot, militia commander
Goddamn elven tree mines. I should have known.What impact is this? Did you somehow manage to fall UP a tree? Please explain.Maybe the tree sprouted up under the dwarf, springing him up into the air and back down again. (Or maybe hethought he was George of the jungle and didn't watch out for that treehad a climbing mishap from a higher level.)
It's possible. I've had horses suddenly and unexpectedly up trees that weren't there before. Also, on at least one occasion, the merchant caravan got hit by a fast growing tree... They're dangerous things.
The way it's being described it sounds more like Elves have planted landmines all over the place to attack poor Dwarves with trees.
That tickled me. Have a poorly drawn MS paint picture.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
ATTN: all Marksdwarves
You have ranged weapons for a reason. DO NOT engage the undead in melee combat. For Armok's sake, use your heads!
Kadol Ensebdastot, militia commander
Urist tried using his head, but after he pulled it off it re-animated and started attacking us. Do you think hands might work better?
Sincerely,
A concerned Marksdwarf
Dear Urist McTradesdwarf,
WHY?!?
I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!
Urist McSealdwarf
Dear Urist McSwordsdwarf:
You are sparring. Good on you. But you have several friends available. Why in the WORLD are you sparring with a CAT? Honestly, there's like 20 different guys available. Why did you pick fluffy mcwhiskers to spar with?
Dear Urist McTradesdwarf,
WHY?!?
I offered you 175* over the amount I owed you. Why then did you want to increase it to 350*?!? They're just beer and wine barrels! I only needed something to drink!
Urist McSealdwarf
To Urist McSealdwarf,
Traders are greedy motherlovers, sir. I don't know exactly how sharp they are, but if you don't have a sharp, assertive dwarf, well-skilled in persuasion, negotiation, intimidation, etc, they feel they can take advantage of the dwarf you sent to negotiate with them, and may demand a deal better in their favor, and will get pissed if you keep offering them a deal which is fair by your standards.
To counter this, I recommend, if available, getting the sharpest, most persuasive and skilled liar in the fort to do the negotiating. If you can't, then just have the woodcrafters turn trees into giant spiked balls. Armok knows why, but everybody considers even babby-tier spiked balls incredibly valuable, and ones of genuine quality (for wooden objects,) will sell like crazy. Maybe they all think giant, spiked wooden balls are a form of avant-garde Dwarven art they can't understand, so they pay a premium for them so as not to appear to be stupid.
If you don't have any time for that, just seize the goods. You can go through a trade depot's menu selectively to Dump the goods you want if they're a Dwarven caravan, or just dump the whole thing (possibly including the traders' personal belongings, if you're feeling vindictive) if you're in a hurried mood.
You can also sell prepared meals for astounding prices, so if you really need to, you can buy whatever food is within your price budget, mince it all up into a roast, sell it back at a ridiculous premium, and buy whatever you like.
I just use the BALLS BALLS BALLS trick, though. By now, I'm half convinced that gargantuan wooden spiked balls are art, given the quality that my carpenters have been putting out. Thinking of hanging a pair from the walls or something.
Sincerely,
Overseer McFortressBalls
Overseers note to all Dwarves of Wheelsthin.
I wish to commend you all for your hard work.
We have a workshop room and a huge stockpile room, but all fortress have that.
On top of that, we have a trade depot which can be sealed off from the fortress, enough iron and coal to last us a long while, bare bedrooms, and a bridge that can seal off the entrance in case of siege.
We even have some platinum crafts for the caravan.
And the year isn't even over yet, we might even be able to add cabinets and chests to the bedrooms.
Feel free to take a well earned break.
Signed,
The pleased Overseer.
Dear Treebeard McEnt
You thought you were clever. You thought you'd topple this fortress into oblivion by growing your children under a constructed overhang, so that when they grew up, their branches would brush up against the underside of a construction and destroy the world.
And it worked. Twice. Unfortunately for you, the powers of time and space are mine to command. After the second inexplicable vortex that annihilated all of time and space, I figured it out, and I stopped your devilish plan.
Now your children lay slain, their corpses converted into the very growth-restraining skirts of wood which protect my fortress from an encore.
Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS
Dear Urist McWoodcutters, Urist McRoadlayers
Thank you. The fortress is safe from the threat of trees growing under our overhangs and toppling the world. You have done a great service to Dwarvenkind this day.
Sincerely,
Overseer McTARDIS.
Which Doctor stepped in to help you?
This is a stack of 53 well-prepared donkey's milk roast. The ingredients are well-minced groundhog tallow, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced dwarven syrup, exceptionally minced dwarven syrup, finely minced dwarven syrup, well-minced wolverine tallow, and well-minced donkey's milk.
-Dwarven yoghurt incident-This made me snigger for over a minute.
-stuff-Aww, that's actually kinda sad.
I think I'm making headway on getting miners and woodcutters to wear armor, so hopefully, that risk can be reduced...
I think I'm making headway on getting miners and woodcutters to wear armor, so hopefully, that risk can be reduced...
I didn't even know this could happen.
Had to scrap that fort immediately, not much to be accomplished without precious wood.
Dwarves of Friendlywind.What do you mean, they aren't expendable? :P
As you all notice, there are 2 less amongst you now.
So let this be a notice to all. If a Wereape comes to our fort, LET THE DOGS DEAL WITH IT. Dogs are expandable. You, are not.
The overseer.
To my dwarves of the fortress I had to abandon due to a grizzly bear forcing my entire fort to starve due to punchabearitis:
Fighting a grizzly bear with your bare hands is not absolute top priority if the bear's unconscious! Starving yourselves to punch a bear is not worth it!
Due to all of your incompetence, you all hereby are to evacuate the fortress so a new batch o' dwarves can hopefully not screw up as badly as you dimwits did.
Your infuriated overseer,
NESgamer190
Mr.Ducim PrisondikeIT,
It's not entirely certain that this message will reach you, we had to float it down the water pipe
I think I'm making headway on getting miners and woodcutters to wear armor, so hopefully, that risk can be reduced...
I didn't even know this could happen.
Had to scrap that fort immediately, not much to be accomplished without precious wood.
Anything that can't be solved by wood, can be solved by magma (usually).
@ pisskop - Since that doesn't explain why a pig would be "hungry", it's no help.It says... 'Cavy boar'.
@ Callista - It shouldn't. What more can be said? You sure you're reading the right symbol?
http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Status_icon
If you [v]iew the "hungry" pig, and check it's [g]eneral status (iirc?), does it ~say~ "Hungry"?
It says... 'Cavy boar'.
*sigh*
I need to get more sleep. Mistaking a guinea pig for an actual pig....
Dear bunch of ecological disaster,
The amount of fishes and mussels in the river is limited. You know I use my all mighty powers to make the nature replenishes livestock every years, but I wont help you anymore if you keep wasting all those good fishes like this !
For Armock's sake, you are standing on a pile of rotten mussel corpse. You are buried on those wasted goods ! Why do you keep dragging new catches out of the water to let them rot on the ground, when there are already so many to prepare and turn into delicious roasts ?
Stop acting like humans, you fools !
Your Overseer
Dear Urist McFirstdwarves
It has come to my attention that the first Dwarf Queen, Ral Brasstoned, was a necromancer. Is this intentional?
Dear Queen Lorbam,Man, that's gotta suck. At least the one king I ever managed to get only loved rings and shields.
Fuck your piccolo mandates. Fuck your imprisonment of people that aren't even involved in the production of piccolos. But most importantly, fuck you. You are the most annoying noble I've ever had. I'd kill you if you had any successors in my fort, but you don't so you live. At least until I decide enough is enough and take my chances with random succession or impregnating you via DFhack.
Dear Queen Lorbam,
Fuck your piccolo mandates. Fuck your imprisonment of people that aren't even involved in the production of piccolos. But most importantly, fuck you. You are the most annoying noble I've ever had. I'd kill you if you had any successors in my fort, but you don't so you live. At least until I decide enough is enough and take my chances with random succession or impregnating you via DFhack.
Dear collective Urists of "region 1":
I have come to understand that the 21 of you have managed to embark in such a location that everything above the aquifer level is made entirely of fire clay. To date, you're the only colonists to have been able to locate so much as a single tile of the stuff. So good on you for that! However, there are several concerns that need immediate addressing.
Dear Urist McWoodcutter:
I don't care how many langurs and keas are flitting about-- you done goofed, mate. Yes, I know they're scary, but they're also thieving bastards, and that was the fort's only axe. Given that we have no stone whatsoever to work with, I think you can figure out the problem on your own. I'm strongly considering ordering your fellows to bash you against the remaining trees until the trees fall over.
I wouldn't have cared if you're a lumberjack, if you're okay, if you sleep all night and work all day, and have a number of Royal Canadian Mounties singing back-up for you. As it stands, you, good Urist, have blown it.
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Dear Urists McFarmer and McBrewer, respectively:
I have no idea what you're on about that there's no more plump helmet spawn, or any other seeds in the fortress for that matter. Our books clearly indicate that there are nearly 100 sitting in that stockpile directly in front of you. Why haven't you been planting? For the last three seasons, you've been camped out in the middle of one of the farm patches just staring at a wall.
This, then, brings us to the second point: there are barrels of perfectly good plump helmets sitting in the stockpile at the other end of the room, adjacent the still, and there are still a score of empty barrels in which to store the derived brew. Maybe if you'd brew the damn plump helmets and personally hand Urist McFarmer the plump helmet spawn, he'd get back to planting them.
At present, food stocks should be sufficient to feed a fort twice your size. That'll go faster than you think, though, so please get back to doing your damn jobs. Bastards like you two are exactly the reason that "region 2" is a goblin fort. At least they actually get shit done.
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Dear Urist McGlassmaker:
I know you're new here, but we deal in one export material and one export material only: fire clay. Don't you even think about getting into a Mood and 1)demanding a Glass furnace or 2)demanding glass of any variety.
I will order 3 entire Z-levels dropped on you out of spite.
This is your one and only warning.
Don't. Test. Me.
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Dear collective Urists McPotter-to-be:
The fort's got more clay and more kilns than dorfs right now. Make use of them while you can, because Urist McWoodcutter isn't going to be cutting any wood any time soon. What's cut now is to be parceled out to each workshop in the fort that needs it.
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Dear Urists McCarpeter and McBookkeeper collectively:
You two are the only dorfs in the fort who actually do their jobs. I both thank you, and offer congratulations. Urist McCarpenter, please keep on churning out as many masterpiece wooden items as you desire. Urist McBookkeepr, (either) you're doing an excellent job with the records (or you've goofed everything, and the rest of the dorfs standing around like idiots telling me that they don't have any of the things they need are correct).
Signed,
The Voice of Reason.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, in "region 2"
Dear Stasosts (or Snodubs, whichever you prefer):
I think I may be the only person to say this, but... BREED, DAMN YOU! BREED! You may or may not have noticed, but we stopped getting both migrants and caravans about 5 years ago, and the attrition is really starting to add up now. We've had a 1/3 reduction of the population. Nowhere is there a single baby or child to be seen. It's up to you to put us back on a growth trend. Get to it!
*PS-- DostngospMcMiner....erm, Rock-biter(?):
When I specifically told you to vein-dig that hematite, I fully expected you to STOP DIGGING once you hit the obsidian wall of the magma tube. I'm not sure what should have been your first clue-- that it was hot stone, or that it was obsidian instead of hematite. In any case, you single-handedly incinerated one out of every three goblins in the fort with your little screw-up. (How you, yourself, managed to escape incineration is beyond me, though.) While I can't pin the lack of merchants or migrants on you, the fort's death toll lies largely at your feet.
Sincerely,
Bittermalice, Demon Lord of Plaitedshrieks
I enjoyed this, very funny. But can't your carpenter make a wodden training axe for the woodcutter? Or does that trick no longer work in .40?
Dear Doctor and Hauler;
First of all, I'd like to say a work in praise of your skillsets. Good job corpse hauling. The cleanup of the depopulation oof the second cavern caused by that one FB is slowly completing thanks to your efforts.
Now, on to the problem at hand. Yes, we locked you out. Yes, we know you're trying to carry those rutherers to the stockpiles. But look! There's a passage going down that we need you two to either a)wall off or b)get down and let less upset individuals handle. Standing there bitching at the drawbridge will not make it lower, and that sound? Well, thats the sound of a war dog being incinerated and the the entire cavern burning to a crisp. Except for that Beast. He's immune to fire and coming your way slowly. The crundles will only distract him for so long. Please move.
Regards,
OS
Dear dwarf chef;
Why did you cook all our booze? Its really annoying that you decided to mak rum biscuits instead of all the faphing plants we have lying around.
Dear dwarf chef;I thought seeds were disabled by default for cooking, unless you turn them on? (Or is that just something DF Hack is doing for me that isn't in vanilla? It's been so long since I played without DFH.)
Im appalled that I need to remember to tell you not to cook each new strain of potatoe, wheat, zuchini, or fig that our distiller puts sweat into fermenting. Especially since he doest tell me when he makes a new flavor.
When you gonna get a better kitchen menu? One where I can disable all booze and seed cooking at once? :x
Booze, yeah. I wish there was a way to say "use as much dwarven wine as you want for cooking -- the more the better -- but lets save the other stuff for drinking, 'kay?"
Dear Arhel Kolakrul, esteemed Armorer, Weaponsmith and Furnace Operator,
Kindly get over the regrettable deaths of your four kitten-makers, which have inexplicably wandered into the atom-smasher despite the presence of a locked door. Firstly, this unfortunate accident has happened in late spring; it's now early winter. Secondly, you have also been adopted by around a dozen other non-kitten-makers, I haven't bothered to check, and this should suffice in comforting you.
Speaking of, why are you only adopted by the weakest, sickest, wimpiest cats in the fort? There are no less than 11 cats whose physical attributes are all above 50, and who, through some remarkable coincidence, never wander into atomsmashers. Only two of those have picked owners, none of which are you. Can you seriously not say no?
-- Respectfully, the spirit of the place.
Dear Urist McGelder,
How did you achieve High Master gelder? [....] it's the year 02, and your civilization on only has 20-ish animals.
Also, "gelding" is a thing now. Just a thought.
Dear Urist McMayor:Flails are actually net positive on metal for smelting. Kind of a moot point, though, since flails are foreign weapons. You can't order them made unless you're using modded raws.
I understand your fascination with flails. Really, I do. Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing. However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat. And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea. As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered.
Dear Urist McMayor:Flails are actually net positive on metal for smelting. Kind of a moot point, though, since flails are foreign weapons. You can't order them made unless you're using modded raws.
I understand your fascination with flails. Really, I do. Spiky, spinning balls of death on a stick are amazing. However I regret to inform you, due to the current laws of physics, a flail does next to nothing in combat. And while for the moment we do have ample supplies of iron to produce flails whenever you ask for them, I am somewhat wondering how sustainable such an industry can be, given that we have so few layers of stone to mine in between us and the magma sea. As such, you may take this as warning, should we find ourselves low on materials, your demands will go unanswered.
The solution is to buff them. Make them slower to swing with more velocity and a much longer recovery phase.
Also maybe a smaller contact point, at the expense of adding a redundant or suboptimal attack. Thattll make them more balanced in the hands of the good ol' ai.
Also a minsize increase will help limit who can use them, afa dwarves.
Dear Human Merchants:
I think my Human language is a bit rusty, because when you say you're "still unloading" and "will be ready soon", it seems evident that you mean "coming to the depot by swimming across the lake" and "dragging your poor pack animals behind you".
To the dwarves of Glowingsteel:
Yes, I know you can't reach the spot you're trying to clean, and the objects you're trying to retrieve. This is because it's in the third cavern layer, a place we have no connection to and have not officially discovered, and that I know about only because your incessant job cancellation messages forced me to useDFHack's reveal toolmy phenomenal cosmic power to locate the crundle corpses you are all dead-set on returning to the refuse stockpile. To rectify this problem, I have issued a decree that non-hunted corpses should be left where they fall, and that no dwarf should clean anything, ever, or at least until we can safely enter the third cavern layer and you can all clean that one patch of blood that so offends your sensibilities.
With love,
The Overseer of Glowingsteel
as an aside, tree seeds, if cookable, are by default enabled (rambutan and durian) so not quite all seeds are disable by default.
Dear three (3!) terrifying biomes- where are all the undead? i know there is a small joyful wilds as well, but i have had what, one undead weasel in 4 years? nothing is getting stuck, there plenty of animals coming and going, so why am i only getting boring things? wild boar and gazelle are not interesting. and neither are the endless stream of white storks. there aren't even any interesting weather, just the horribly annoying permanet dizzyness and elf blood
Dear Urist McBucketLover,
I wanted that cistern filled. What that means is roughly this:
1. You grab a bucket.
2. You walk to the water.
3. You fill the bucket.
4. You deposit the water in the well.
5. Reuse the bucket and go to step 2.
What you did instead:
1. You grab a bucket.
2. You walk to the water.
3. You fill the bucket.
4. You deposit the water in the well.
5. Go to step 1.
You can reuse the same bucket you know. There is no need to grab a new one each time. The other dwarves keep hauling your buckets back to their stockpiles.
Dear Mebzuth Adilkat,
You are the world's expert on the horrifying beasts of the darkness beneath the world, and also on buzzards. I'm counting on you to train the dozens upon dozens of monstrosities we capture in our cages. I understand it's a lot of work to do, but you have quite literally no other job, so why is there a constant backlog of untamed animals lately?
Dear Vampire Mayor:
If you hadn't eaten all the engravers, jewellers, and metalcrafters, we would have better rooms and furniture for you to enjoy. As it is, you have brought this down upon yourself. So stop whinging.
Dear Vampire Mayor:
If you hadn't eaten all the engravers, jewellers, and metalcrafters, we would have better rooms and furniture for you to enjoy. As it is, you have brought this down upon yourself. So stop whinging.
Dear Overseer Thisfox,
Cordial greetings to you, and thank you for your thoughtful letter. In response, let me just say BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! So as I believe I've made clear in my point-by-point response, the actions I took were completely justfied in context.
Yours sincerely,
Urist McVampire-Mayor
What do vampires practically get out of drinking blood, anywho?
Dear Urist McBrewer
Please don't take breaks when Dwarves need to have something to drink
Dear Urist McFuckface.
Stop complaining about miasma from the dead horse inside you dining room.
I have designated the dump zone FOUR FUCKING WEEKS AGO and despite shitload of you idling aroun NO ONE CARES TO MOVE THIS SHIT!!
You are the only one to blame for that.
Regards - you very pissed off overseer.
Dear Urist McWhoeverisinchargeofsendingmigrants,
Why did you think it was a good idea to send 6 CHILDREN, and ONLY 6 CHILDREN to a fortress started literally 6 months ago. HOW WILL 6 USELESS CHILDREN HELP US OUT IN ANY WAY!? Also, DO YOU REALISE WHAT DANGERS ARE IN A 2 WEEK JOURNEY FOR 6 KIDS!?
-Your very important source of useless junk.
Dear Urist Mc Animal Trainers:
I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.
So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?
Dear Urist Mc Animal Trainers:
I assigned that Emu to be trained. There are seven of you with the labor enabled who do odd other jobs like smoothing and milking. I know most of you were doing no jobs. Not even hauling.
So why is the Emu running wild around my fort pecking eyes out?
Sounds like they trained it really well, in tormenting their grudges.
Dear Urist
I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.
IT'S
YOUR
OWN
FAULT
YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.
Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer
dear peasant haulersDear Jackal
stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death
sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel
Dear Urist
I'm very sorry about you getting stuck on that moat, but you have to understand one thing.
IT'S
YOUR
OWN
FAULT
YOU removed that ramp WHILE you where INSIDE the moat. Now, I fear you will never get out, or at least not until the Goblins get exterminated.
Thanks for your time, condolences will be sent to your family, I hope you survived so far.
-Urist McOverseer
Dear McOverseer
How do ye expect me ta dig oot the ramp withoot me bein' next to et? Ah cannae lay on the groun' and just swing me pick oot o'er the edge, now can ah? Now let me dig meself oot!
Sincerely, Urist McMinerdear peasant haulersDear Jackal
stop trying to cross the river im draining and falling down a deep hole of death
sincerely, a 10 foot tall jackal made of steel
We're tryin' ta save time by takin' a shortcut! Mayhaps if ye'd use traffic designashins tae tell us not tae go that way, we wouldn't be in this pridikamint!
Sincerely, Urist McHauler
There is a solution to both of these problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
There is a solution to both of these problems.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Oh wow. Where did you get that from? Did you made it just for this thread or did you find it somewhere?
Dear UristMcpartydorfs
While I am happy you decided to celebrate the death of our supply of nobles wit a party, could you have waited until AFTER the caravan left? we have rooms filled to the brim with trade goods and they have valuable wood that we need. Get to work or I shall deem that you are actually all nobles in disguise.
Sincerely,
Your tantruming overseer
Dear UristMcpartydorfs
While I am happy you decided to celebrate the death of our supply of nobles wit a party, could you have waited until AFTER the caravan left? we have rooms filled to the brim with trade goods and they have valuable wood that we need. Get to work or I shall deem that you are actually all nobles in disguise.
Sincerely,
Your tantruming overseer
Valuable. Wood. Two words that are completely opposite in meaning. what the carp?
It can be used for a variety of cheap and simple crafting tasks, and is excellent for pissing off elves.And more importantly, creating lightweight storage units and hauling devices. But hey, Urist, if you want to spend the rest of your miserable life hauling around lead bins, lead barrels and lead and cinnabar large pots in lead wheelbarrows and lead minecarts, crying yourself to sleep at night because hauling doesn't train strength anymore, THEN BE MY BLOODY GUEST.
Dear Miners
Could you please stop digging with the excuse "warm stone located" or "damp stone located". I know those stones are next to rivers or the magma sea, but i am not breaching into them, you will be perfectly safe. It is really really annoying to have to constantly redesignate digging designations whenever i am mining a room above the magma sea or a tunnel under a river.
Kind Regards, the overseer of Mountainhome Zulbanrodum "Bannerbowels"
Do you live in a desert or what? There's wood two feet out the door where I play.There were trees right outside my fort too. Key emphasis on the past tense there.
Dear Urist Bookkeeper
In reviewing your tallies after a dwarf took to a strange mood, I noticed we had 29301 small animals in stock.
I admire your dedication to keeping accurate tallies of all things, you have every single bee counted.
That's just... wow.
Your amused overseer.
You should change their uniforms to "replace clothing".
Dear Miners
Could you please stop digging with the excuse "warm stone located" or "damp stone located". I know those stones are next to rivers or the magma sea, but i am not breaching into them, you will be perfectly safe. It is really really annoying to have to constantly redesignate digging designations whenever i am mining a room above the magma sea or a tunnel under a river.
Kind Regards, the overseer of Mountainhome Zulbanrodum "Bannerbowels"
Dear Overseer
Well, excuse us for not having access to that magic all-seeing map thing that you keep locked in your office!
Sincerely, Urist McMiner, who can and will murder you for strange mood components later
Note to Overseer Flyteofheart:
Well, you didn't tell us to stay inside, and how were WE supposed to know it was the rain?
We can't look up!
Sincerely,
Urist.
((Burrows?))
Dear Overseer;
'Ave you seen what a flock o' them "Kea" things can do to a dwarf, Lord? Them monsters can rend flesh from bone in minutes, and they steal things left an' right. Ya need to purge the godsdamned things before they breed!
Sincerely, Urist/
there are over 100 invaders at our doorstep.
DOUBLE EDIT: Literal seconds after editing this, the rescuer climbed up the wall and returned the suplex, instantly killing the spider.
Dear Urist McLazyashell,
If you've already gone through the trouble of walking halfway across the fortress to your room, sleep in your bed, and don't sleep on the floor next to the bed. If you can't be bothered to take the 5 extra steps to actually lie down, don't complain about the fortresses' lack of beds. We have plenty of fucking beds, use one of them.
Legitimately concerned for your mental health,
Overseer Prop.
EDIT:
Dear Urist McLazyashell,
Once again, you have a fucking bed. You could have walked to the bed. Instead you decided to sleep in the middle of a cavern while trying to gather cave wheat. If you complain about the fact that a giant cave spider ripped off your leg one more fucking time, I'm going to lock the door to the hospital and refuse to let anyone feed you.
Far more angry about this than I should be,
Overseer Prop.
(words from prop)
I've had a couple of troubles with beds as of late, and have some advice that might help you.
If any other dwarf is doing something on top of the bed (especially children inexplicably playing make belief on their parent's bed), they will not sleep in it. Also, if they get too tired/walk too far to their bed, they may just give up and nap on the ground.
Might not apply to you, but that's what I know.
Dear Urist McMigrantWave,Dear Mr Overseer,
I'm not entirely sure where you're from or what you were expecting our fortress to be, but EIGHT Fisherdwarves? Are we a tourist fishing destination?
(tangent: Actually, that's an interesting design concept.)
Dear Urist McLeverPuller
Why did you let the werebeast in again? Oh, let me review the two reports you sent me...
Urist McLeverPuller cancels Pull Lever: Handling Dangerous Beast
Urist McLeverPuller cancels handle bunny(tame): Animal Inaccessible
I am left to speculate as to why a bunny might be so dangerous as to stop you from pulling the lever to save the fort.Signed,
Your grumpy overseer.
Edëm Rakustasteb, Mechanic has grown attached to a Prepared Food pot (green glass, large)!
QuoteEdëm Rakustasteb, Mechanic has grown attached to a Prepared Food pot (green glass, large)!
So, Edëm... any comments how this happened? We do need that pot back at the kitchen, you know. Don't be unreasonable!
QuoteEdëm Rakustasteb, Mechanic has grown attached to a Prepared Food pot (green glass, large)!
So, Edëm... any comments how this happened? We do need that pot back at the kitchen, you know. Don't be unreasonable!
Has he ever been drafted, and has possibly used it as a miscellaneous item?
Dear Urists of Oiledcity,
Why the fuck did you not go up the stairs for a year?
I needed trees cut, everything was open, and there were designated woodcutters.
Why? Just why?
-Overseer
Dear Urist. Did you *really* have to go into a fey mood and become a worthless bonecarver 2 DAYS BEFORE YOUR 12TH BIRTHDAY, WHEN YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN SOME PROPER PRIMING?What kinds of bones were thusly employed?
Ah well, at least you made a bone throne fitting for a throne room.
Please stop attending a party when there is only one more fucking tile to mine!
To the families of the failed SilverRope expedition,There's a a pretty tough record to beat.. considering its also happened with lava.
While it is against the Overseer culture to send apologies to the family of the deceased, I feel the expediency of the failure and death of all 7 of the expedition members would merit some sort of explanation. When we arrived to the location everything seemed to be in order, it was only when we started striking the earth and cutting down trees did we begin to get a downpour of water. At this point everything froze to a halt as water began to pour down on us in waterfall like manner, in confusion I looked up only to see a body of water, several meters thick, resting above our heads. It was then that I realized that our expedition was doomed from the start.
If it is any condolence, I'm sure that the 5 seconds between founding and drowning set some sort of record for outpost failure that will be remembered for generations to come.
With regards,
The Overseer
Dear Urist McMiner,
Please stop attending a party when there is only one more fucking tile to mine!
Probably decided it was too much of a walk to mine.
Dunno. Almost all my woodcutters wind up deciding that cutting wood is impossible after a year or two, probably for a similar reason.
So, for efficiency's sake, I insist that the squads in charge of guarding the caverns be armed and armored in bronze.Dear mirrizin
All you guys guarding the surface have more than enough iron, and even some steel, to cover your hides.
So why oh why do you insist on stealing the bronze armor I made specifically for the cavern guards? You're really slowing things down, and I hope I don't have to specifically command you to wear steel and iron armor. >:(
Dear
That's all well and good, but when you see the goblins coming over the hill, could you stand your guard instead of running back to the fort to grab the latest set of boots?So, for efficiency's sake, I insist that the squads in charge of guarding the caverns be armed and armored in bronze.Dear mirrizin
All you guys guarding the surface have more than enough iron, and even some steel, to cover your hides.
So why oh why do you insist on stealing the bronze armor I made specifically for the cavern guards? You're really slowing things down, and I hope I don't have to specifically command you to wear steel and iron armor. >:(
Dear
unless you force us to, we were wht ever we ant, its a free fort
From urist
To my overly fecund wee darlings,
While I like seeing a few cute kids running around as much as the next evil overlord, I'm not running a Quiverfull fortress here. Surely you don't need to be popping one out every single year; you already have twelve! I wouldn't need to issue a fiat prohibiting all "recreation time" if you could only show a little restraint.
Seriously consideringsentient geldingFamily Planning centers,
The Voice of Moderation
But still, doesn't solve the mystery of why that particular miner was so obsessed with harvesting ???Have you checked her preferences/personality/etc? She might be more temperamentally disposed to farming than to mining.
But still, doesn't solve the mystery of why that particular miner was so obsessed with harvesting ???Are they the first person on the units list? They're the first person to get a job. And if you have everyone harvesting, then there you go.
Have you checked her preferences/personality/etc? She might be more temperamentally disposed to farming than to mining.
Are they the first person on the units list? They're the first person to get a job. And if you have everyone harvesting, then there you go.
In related news:
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer,
Why do you continuously let our trained animals slip all the way back to wild before retraining? There's no way I'm ever letting them out of their cages if you can't get your act together.
-Overseer of Fort Strangelove
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer,
I decided to check up on your skill level, and was surprised to see that it was not only merely at "adequate", but that it was rusty. How can this be, when you have a dozen war-dogs, a dozen puppies (that will become war dogs) and a Roc(!) assigned to you personally? Animal training has been your primary duty for the past twelve years, with other responsibilities minimized to leave time for your important work.
What gives?
Sincerely,
your ever-frustrated overseer.
In related news:Dear Overseer:
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer,
Why do you continuously let our trained animals slip all the way back to wild before retraining? There's no way I'm ever letting them out of their cages if you can't get your act together.
-Overseer of Fort Strangelove
Dear Overseer:
Maybe if you made a zone, then designated it as a pasture and an animal training site, then put the animals there, I would train them!
Sincerely,
Urist McAnimalTrainer
Dear Overseer:Dear Overseer:
Maybe if you made a zone, then designated it as a pasture and an animal training site, then put the animals there, I would train them!
Sincerely,
Urist McAnimalTrainer
Dear Urist McAnimalTrainer:
You want I should let an untrained Roc out of it's cage and assign it to a *pasture*?
*sigh*. I've commenced construction of an airlocked room with cage traps in the airlock and just outside. I'll build the Roc's cage in there, and attach a lever to release it from the cage remotely. Have fun, hope you don't get yourself killed.
I assumed with all the war-dogs you've trained and your constant re-training of the caged roc, your animal-training skills would be getting plenty of practice, but apparently not.
~~Linda
Dear angry overlord,Dear monom
Did you ever come down to the barracks and watch that kid spar? That meat was so stupid, He couldn't figure out which end of the spear goes towards the enemy. There's no way I was going into combat next to him, I'd have been in more danger from him than from the enemy. I told you he should have been assigned to the library instead of the military. But did you listen to me?
Your military commander, who prefers not to die from wounds inflicted by his own troops.
Dear Dwarves,
DON'T BUILD YOURSELVES INTO WALLS.
Sincerely, your overseer.
Dear UristMcDingoTorturerSwordDorf,Dear "benevolent" overlord
Do you really have to cut all the paws off the dingo before killing it? Yes, yes, I know, the military is the place where we send psychos like you. But geezus! Does it entertain you to watch the poor critter crawling around on it's bloody stumps while bleeding out?
Sincerely,
Your benevolent overlord
The vampire huntsWait, is the vampire still at large? Watch that sober dwarf closely...
The vampire huntsWait, is the vampire still at large? Watch that sober dwarf closely...
I can't BUY a goblin invasion force.There are things you can't buy. For everything else, there's Trade Depot.
Dear Urist McCleaner,
It's true that the caverns are very dirty, that possum beast made quite a mess. And your initiative to start cleaning all that crundle blood at the first opportunity is certainly admirable. But the thing is, dear dwarf, the caverns are dangerous and we don't spend much time down there anyway. Every one of you is important to me I will not have your endanger yourselves needlessly.
Now go mop up the vomit in the tavern. Seriously, why won't anyone clean the vomit?
--Overseer
Dear the entirety of Cryptmurders,There's a story here...
How in Armok's name did the front bridge get lowered without me ordering it to be lowered? And why did every one of you immediately run out to the castle building grounds into the very same building as a freaking DRAGON? What did you expect to happen?!
Dear fisherdwarves,
While I understand that you all love fishing, would you PLEASE build the fishery. Everyone else has barely been able to survive off of plump helmets while you have let countless fish rot away on the side of the river. If this continues any longer, I will make you fish near the carp and hippos.
Dear Urist McHauler,Dear Bumber McOverseer,
Of all the thousand logs on the surface, why do you choose to gather the ones in the southwest corner near the rapidly-expanding, titan-induced firestorm? It's amusing to watch you lazily push your wheelbarrow along the growing incendiary border, but I thought maybe you'd catch wise after the second wheelbarrow burst into flames (after you ditched it due to "dangerous terrain".) Is this a drunken dare?-Bemused Overseer of Strangelove
Dear Urist McAnnoyingNobleDear other orcs,
If you DIDNT want me to reclaim the capital you lost FIGHTING ELVES (i mean seriously...) then tell me before i collect 6 of my buddies and pile in the hopefully unexploding wagon. I mean - I show up - and you're all inside - 'ambushing' me (but doing nothing). What is this - some sort of dwarven variant of the Test of Courage? Around every corner - some new annoying 'Hostile' noble. I mean sure - you're nobles - and you tend to meet with unfortunate drawbridge accidents - but this is taking it a bit far.
I'm just going to ignore you. You dont seem to be eating nor starving to death - so i'm beginning to get a little worried...
Suspicious McAxedwarvesinbound
Dear Urist McAnnoyingNobleDear other orcs,
If you DIDNT want me to reclaim the capital you lost FIGHTING ELVES (i mean seriously...) then tell me before i collect 6 of my buddies and pile in the hopefully unexploding wagon. I mean - I show up - and you're all inside - 'ambushing' me (but doing nothing). What is this - some sort of dwarven variant of the Test of Courage? Around every corner - some new annoying 'Hostile' noble. I mean sure - you're nobles - and you tend to meet with unfortunate drawbridge accidents - but this is taking it a bit far.
I'm just going to ignore you. You dont seem to be eating nor starving to death - so i'm beginning to get a little worried...
Suspicious McAxedwarvesinbound
Dear Urist McRecruit,
I know that you re new to our military, and have little to no battle experience, and I know that fighting a troll for the first time can be scary. But the next time I send you to fight a troll, don't run away like a little pussy and allow one of my legendary masons to die, especially if you're going to come back and kill the troll in one hit.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Dear mercenary militia,Dear Rocksford's overseer
I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If yourbodymagma-puff count goes over five, I swear I will wall it all in and ruin the awesome view your tower-o-doom has.
Regards,
Rocksford's overseer
Dear mercenary militia,Dear Rocksford's overseer
I know your dwarven commanding officer was as dense as a cinnabar block, dodging into a volcano while sparring, but please stop reenacting his "glorious" demise.
Your training grounds are like 22 by 22 meters and you still keep sparring next to the edge.
If yourbodymagma-puff count goes over five, I swear I will wall it all in and ruin the awesome view your tower-o-doom has.
Regards,
Rocksford's overseer
We can dodge and charge through walls too.
Sincerely, magma-puff
(thanks to whoever cooked our last plumps helmets... enjoy the biscuits guys!)
Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Preferably, you should tame it while it's still in a cage in a stockpile in a training zone. Trying to train a wild animal in a pasture before taming is asking for trouble.Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Dear Overseer McStagnantSoul
I would have trained it if you had put it in a zone with animal training allowed! But you didn't, so I couldn't train it, and it went wild. This is your fault.
Sincerely, Urist McAnimalTrainer
Preferably, you should tame it while it's still in a cage in a stockpile in a training zone. Trying to train a wild animal in a pasture before taming is asking for trouble.Dear Uristmcanimaltrainer...
Not only did you fail to tame the giant rhinoceros I spent ten minutes micro managing military dwarves to heard into the cage traps, but you also fell asleep in the door, allowing it to go free... And then, when told to pasture it, you spent twenty minutes chasing it, only to stop for a drink when you were a few squares from it... It has now left the map, after killing the outpost liaison. Can you please give me one single reason why I shouldn't give you a bronze short sword and send you to the caverns?
Dear Overseer McStagnantSoul
I would have trained it if you had put it in a zone with animal training allowed! But you didn't, so I couldn't train it, and it went wild. This is your fault.
Sincerely, Urist McAnimalTrainer
I can tame them in a cage? I tamed my cave and non-cave dragons in open stone rooms, and tamed the rocs I used for a three adult rock strong roc hatchery in the dining room.Yes. Seeds taming tend to get stuck in the cage, though, and have to be dumped. Small price to pay to avoid disaster whenever trainers get interrupted somehow.
Dear UristMcmasterPotter,http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Strange_mood
Your custom job title is Master Potter because you are my best potter. It is your highest skill.
So why in Armok's good name when you went fey would did you go to a craftsdwarf's shop and produce a wooden toy axe and shoot up to legendary woodcrafter?
I already have a legendary woodcrafter, I don't need another. Also I was looking forward to a sweet clay artifact.
Signed,
The incredibly disappointed overseer of Skullmines.
Dear Urist McTrader,The journey to a budding dwarven outpost is dangerous and expensive. A 12.5% increase on the base value of traded goods barely even begins to cover the travel expenses. They also need to make enough profit to make up for all the caravans lost to dragons, titans, rocs, bronze collossi, goblins, giants, zombies, hydras, werebeasts, irate dwarves, cyclopses, ettins, volcanic activity* and other accidents, and for unprofitible ventures due to lack of sales or collapse of the outpost before they arrived. Why, a number of times they've arrived at an outpost to find the dwarves had somehow delved into the underworld itself and unleashed a horde of unimaginable horrors which now run the fortress, refuse to trade more than base value for goods and occasionally set the wagons on fire by proximity, which isn't all that different from dealing with dwarven traders but at least with dwarves there was the possibility of profit once they were up to their ears in gold and forgotten beast meat and more interested in your ability to take some of it off their hands than anything you had to offer.
If 300 coins' worth of profit isn't good enough for you, and then 400 and 500 aren't, and you tell me "Perhaps next time you'll take me seriously", one of two things will happen: you die in there, or I savescum because dangit, they lied to me, the only deep metal is ADAMANTINE. So much for deep metal"s". Next time, you will die in there, being a dwarf or not. You earned 4500 coins total there, for barely 4000 worth of metal objects to me, yet you were OFFENDED by that much profit?
It won't happen again,
The Overseer
*Many civilizations have reported losing caravans to sudden floods of lava or magma at dwarven outposts, often in areas which had no notable volcanic activity before the dwarves arrived. Elvish geologists blame the increased volcanic activity on reduced tectonic stability caused by clearcutting. In the hopes of preventing future incidents, the elves have banned dwarf wood imports and urge dwarven outposts to limit their treefelling to a predefined quota.Hm. On the face of it, trees aren't that big, but it sounds disturbingly plausible when you consider that almost every fortress where there were sudden and new volcanic eruptions ignored the quota, and our Mathematicians assure the odds of that happening by random chance is minimal.
Dear Lanterns of Roughness, Defenders of Oilyballs (hehe)and less puking your guts out constantly as soon as you step into the sunlight
I admit I've neglected you. Our steel industry is waiting on our miners to bring forth Armok's blood from the depths, a time consuming task. Most of you have had to make do with whatever I could obtain from the traders. Except for the Militia Commander, none of you have any armour and two of you are even using filthy elven weapons, which I assume earns copious amounts of ridicule from your comrades.
Despite all this, some congratulations are in order. When the Weregila attacked, you all threw yourselves into the fray without hesitation. Your initial strategy of hacking off each limb, was brilliant. Kicking the monster in the mouth was unnecessary, but certainly brought a smile to my face when its teeth went flying everywhere. Disembowelling the beast was a fitting way to end this slaughter. To top it all off, none of you sustained an injury more serious than a bruise.
Thanks to your terrifying display of might, the fortress will sleep easy tonight. Well done.
The Overseer
Dear High Master Weaponsmith,Dear MehMuffin,
A ZOMBIE CROW?! IT'S LIKE A DARKER COLORED FUCKING PIGEON!!! HOW THE HELL DID IT RIP THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SPINE YOU IDIOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!
Best,
MehMuffin
A ZOMBIE CROWWait a minute. Crows are vermin, which means they can't be zombies. That means you're either using a mod or it wasn't a crow. My best guesses for what it could be are either a giant crow or a raven - both of which, zombified, are fully capable of ripping a dwarf in half.
Dear Mountain HomeIn a fort without rivers, "fisher" is just another word for "recruit".
In case you are somehow unaware, we have no water other then a few murky pools(most of which I've removed) and the cave water, which are terrible for a sustainable fishing industry, PLEASE STOP SENDING FISHERS
Annoyed,
Scourge the overseer
The problem with that is I can't equip them reliably due to the lack of iron or tin in my entire embark area..Dear Mountain HomeIn a fort without rivers, "fisher" is just another word for "recruit".
In case you are somehow unaware, we have no water other then a few murky pools(most of which I've removed) and the cave water, which are terrible for a sustainable fishing industry, PLEASE STOP SENDING FISHERS
Annoyed,
Scourge the overseer
Dear all Urist McthirstysThis is no mere correlation.
Why are you drinking things outside near the corpses, if you drank inside in the dining room or the tavern you wouldn't have to deal with the vultures now would you?
Dear All of the Urist McStresseds
We have a statue garden filled with golden statues, a zoo, a legendary dining room, a tavern, a church, several more statues in the main entrance, golden roads and walls in the main entryway, a large collection of masterwork slabs, coffins, tables and chairs, thousands of masterwork meals and even more alcohol (including sunshine) of various types, and at least 50% of the fortress is engraved, you have no reason to be stressed enough to become oblivious, tantruming or depressed.
Dear Urist McChild,
You are in so much trouble you little shit. I've got 40+ counts of disorderly conduct and one of building destruction pinned on you. Enjoy childhood while it lasts. Once you're an adult I'm sending you to the dungeons for a very very long time.
Sincerely,
Your vengeful Overseer.
Dear overseer Wedolko,
Did you remember to request a trader at the depot? I can't work there unless there is a job posting!
((I should note that this is within a walled area, so the Dwarves have to somehow go through the wall to kill themselves in the river. It's really annoying, but solved by creating a platform on the other side of the wall.))
Dear Urist McDumbass:Someone tried to make Urist an offer he couldn't refuse, but they botched it due to not being able to hold their booze.
I get that you're tired after spending all that time building your own bedroom and hauling furniture into it.
But why are you sleeping in the hall outside your room in a pool of someone else's vomit next to a dead rotting horse?
Listen here, Urist McSoCalledScribe---
Just because I unlocked the door to the library to let you out, DOES NOT MEAN I WANT YOU TO STOCKPILE AN OBSIDIAN BOULDER ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE EMBARK, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU REFUSE TO COPY ANY BOOKS.
I went through all the trouble of creating a very nice library for you, with smoothed walls, fancy tables and chairs, storage for blank quires, book cases, and everything.
I assigned you, and 8 others a nice cooshy gig where all you have to do is make copies of books the visiting scholars feel compelled to write.
What do the lot of you do instead? Stand around lolligagging, and when I open the library door to let more scholars in, what do you do? BEELINE RIGHT FOR THE FARTHEST POSSIBLE BOULDER.
You are fortunate that I am a merciful, benevolent overseer, as other, more emotional overseers would arrange an "accident" for this kind of shameful disobedience.
Instead, I have removed all other labors from you and your fellow scribes. It is very simple. I dont want you to do ANYTHING ELSE, I only want you to copy books. If I catch you instead deciding that you need to hang around in the temple complex, or worse, decide that you need to dance with that rabble of goblin performers in the tavern, I will be most angry with you.
Listen here, Urist McSoCalledScribe---
Just because I unlocked the door to the library to let you out, DOES NOT MEAN I WANT YOU TO STOCKPILE AN OBSIDIAN BOULDER ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE EMBARK, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU REFUSE TO COPY ANY BOOKS.
I went through all the trouble of creating a very nice library for you, with smoothed walls, fancy tables and chairs, storage for blank quires, book cases, and everything.
I assigned you, and 8 others a nice cooshy gig where all you have to do is make copies of books the visiting scholars feel compelled to write.
What do the lot of you do instead? Stand around lolligagging, and when I open the library door to let more scholars in, what do you do? BEELINE RIGHT FOR THE FARTHEST POSSIBLE BOULDER.
You are fortunate that I am a merciful, benevolent overseer, as other, more emotional overseers would arrange an "accident" for this kind of shameful disobedience.
Instead, I have removed all other labors from you and your fellow scribes. It is very simple. I dont want you to do ANYTHING ELSE, I only want you to copy books. If I catch you instead deciding that you need to hang around in the temple complex, or worse, decide that you need to dance with that rabble of goblin performers in the tavern, I will be most angry with you.
Check their personalities. Do they hate working, or some such?
For the love of Armok stop falling into the river! Stop standing on bridges while they're being replaced! Stop swimming deeper into the river instead of climbing up onto dry land! And you! The mason who fell of a perfectly stable bridge from apparently sheer stupidity, what the circus!?
For the love of Armok stop falling into the river! Stop standing on bridges while they're being replaced! Stop swimming deeper into the river instead of climbing up onto dry land! And you! The mason who fell of a perfectly stable bridge from apparently sheer stupidity, what the circus!?
>tfw you have an idiot dwarf who does all these kinds of things
>and then they elect him mayor
>repeatedly
To Adil "I Think I'll Come Off My Break to Build One Statue, Laze Around for a Bit, Then Immediately Take Another Break" Sheriktun:Did he go into the tavern, library, or temple, or did he actually go on a break, which isn't in the game anymore?
No.
Dear outpost liaison,
When are you going to go insane? I want to see if you can topple that temple statue and get a cool trait. Instead, you just walk around boringly.
With impatient love,
Derro
Dear Dwarves, Stop thinking like this about an invading foce and rushing them(http://38.media.tumblr.com/2aa867b723d23ca52745efa7ceb370e8/tumblr_nj1s6lQ9Xa1s1rwswo2_250.gif)
Instead of just letting the military and traps do their jobs.
Dear Urist and Urista McMarksdwarf:
Are names even gendered?Dear Urist and Urista McMarksdwarf:
Um, Urist is already a feminine name.
Are names even gendered?Dear Urist and Urista McMarksdwarf:
Um, Urist is already a feminine name.
Dear Urist McUselesswell, they CAN drink out of it. probably get more visitors, for siege help.
You took valuable time away from the farms that provide for our 60 hungry dwarves. What was the purpose of this? You decided to go make a freaking cup! A cup! The last two artifacts were actually useful. Our Captain of the Guard is armed with an artifact iron warhammer. There is an artifact quern built in our second workshop level. What possessed you to make a freaking cup? Get your ass back to the fields before I feed you to Boatarmor's atom smasher.
Dear Urist McAndMyAxe The woodcutter, Stop going missing in the first few days.Trees: The real most dangerous game.
In the game of trees you either win or get crushed by falling oak log x4Dear Urist McAndMyAxe The woodcutter, Stop going missing in the first few days.Trees: The real most dangerous game.
try a civilian alert to force all your dwarves to go to a certain burrow at the same time with just one click, usually works for me
Or they snatch you and you die of thirst.In the game of trees you either win or get crushed by falling oak log x4Dear Urist McAndMyAxe The woodcutter, Stop going missing in the first few days.Trees: The real most dangerous game.
Dear Urist McFruitgatherer,Dear Overseer,
Don't bother giant black mambas.
It wasn't bothering you, and you had no business attacking and punching the thing to death because you hate snakes.
Poor bugger never stood a chance.
Dear Urists of Shakenirons
The ballots are in, and you elected a goblin dancer as the new mayor. A Goblin. Dancer.
Our old mayor was one of the original seven who forged this fortress on the edge of the haunted wastes and in high standing, he ran this fortress for years, he has an adorned golden statue atop the great tower like other leaders of the fortress, and now you elect this newcomer goblin weirdo. I am NOT building a golden statue of a goblin dancer no matter what. Sure, he came from a troupe who have wandered the world for over 800 years before being accepted into our midst and so he has a way with words and stuff, but still, proper dorfs should never let themselves be swayed by such petty things, especially from a goblin.
Dear Whoever-Drove-The-Wagon,
Trees are not VTOLports. Wagons are not VTOL craft. Please do not land the wagon on top of a tree in the future - especially when you are possibly the last dwarfs in the world and all of our supplies are in the not-a-VTOL wagon. Should you decide to do so, do not abandon the wagon before landing, stranding the wagon and all of our supplies on top of said tree!
~ A confounded overseer with more aviation training than any of you morons
P.S. How do you mistake a wagon for a VTOL craft?!
P.P.S. To the five of you that immediately abandoned the hill where you landed and climbed the not-a-VTOLport tree: Are you elves in disguise? Allow me to remind you that we are next to a volcano.
P.P.P.S. If I discover turbofans mounted on the wagon, I swear to the stars above that I'm going to [FURTHER TEXT REDACTED]
"Suppose we buildDear Whoever-Drove-The-Wagon,
Trees are not VTOLports. Wagons are not VTOL craft. Please do not land the wagon on top of a tree in the future - especially when you are possibly the last dwarfs in the world and all of our supplies are in the not-a-VTOL wagon. Should you decide to do so, do not abandon the wagon before landing, stranding the wagon and all of our supplies on top of said tree!
~ A confounded overseer with more aviation training than any of you morons
P.S. How do you mistake a wagon for a VTOL craft?!
P.P.S. To the five of you that immediately abandoned the hill where you landed and climbed the not-a-VTOLport tree: Are you elves in disguise? Allow me to remind you that we are next to a volcano.
P.P.P.S. If I discover turbofans mounted on the wagon, I swear to the stars above that I'm going to [FURTHER TEXT REDACTED]
"So, cut down the tree!"
"With what?"
"With the axes we brought with us!"
"The axes which are currently packed in the wagon, up a tree?"
"...yes. Yes. Those axes..." {facedesk}
Dear Clubbing(macing) mum:That's...Like...All of the things, at once.
I know dwarves are famed for getting the strangest sorts of problems but how in the name of the circus did you get stuck half starved, at the top of a tree, in the middle of a lake, deep underground, WITH YOUR #### KID!?!? I do not even understand how this could have been possible.
An amazed overseer.
So the mum dies, babby soon after, dad goes on a tantrum and someone bashes the lever holding the lava back.Dear Clubbing(macing) mum:That's...Like...All of the things, at once.
I know dwarves are famed for getting the strangest sorts of problems but how in the name of the circus did you get stuck half starved, at the top of a tree, in the middle of a lake, deep underground, WITH YOUR #### KID!?!? I do not even understand how this could have been possible.
An amazed overseer.
Just watch the tree be load-bearing and magma come in from somewhere.
Nah. Watch it to be too-thin bottom cavern layer, and when tree is remove the cave-in causes a magma piston effect, spewing magma 10z into your tunnels.So the mum dies, babby soon after, dad goes on a tantrum and someone bashes the lever holding the lava back.Dear Clubbing(macing) mum:That's...Like...All of the things, at once.
I know dwarves are famed for getting the strangest sorts of problems but how in the name of the circus did you get stuck half starved, at the top of a tree, in the middle of a lake, deep underground, WITH YOUR #### KID!?!? I do not even understand how this could have been possible.
An amazed overseer.
Just watch the tree be load-bearing and magma come in from somewhere.
I've never had even a stressed dwarf in the actual forts I've ran, and even in testforts never seen a tantrum.
I doubt your mayor can tantrum unless they're already very stressed or maybe stressed (like I said, I've never had a tantrum), in which case I'd like you to share your torture methods.
Etur suffered almost no injuries from the event, nor was it in any way notable or memorable.
Paging the Broker of GuildPlunge, please report to the trade area immediately. Repeat: Paging the broker. You have had a sleep, have eaten, and had a drink, so you have no more ways of sodding procrastinating left open to you. Paging the broker of Guildplunge, please report to the trade area immediately....Urist McBroker withdraws from society...
Stories of the incident have been hyperbolized from Etur being struck by the minecart, to Etur intentionally standing in front of the cart as a test of strength, to Etur being some sort of memetic hunter, tracking down and headbutting minecarts wherever they lurk.Huzzah! Another tavern tale is born.
Paging the Broker of GuildPlunge, please report to the trade area immediately. Repeat: Paging the broker. You have had a sleep, have eaten, and had a drink, so you have no more ways of sodding procrastinating left open to you. Paging the broker of Guildplunge, please report to the trade area immediately....Urist McBroker withdraws from society...
Urist McBroker cancels Trade at Depot: Taken by mood.
Urist McBroker cancels trade at depot: interrupted by capybara
I've had worse. "Urist McBroker has turned into a werewolverine!" .....Most surprised elvish traders EVER.
"I'm stiiiilll... in a dream, Urist mcSnakeEaterrrrrrrrrrrr...."Dear Urist McFruitgatherer,Dear Overseer,
Don't bother giant black mambas.
It wasn't bothering you, and you had no business attacking and punching the thing to death because you hate snakes.
Poor bugger never stood a chance.
I identify as a mongoose. Don't discriminate.
Signed, Urist McSnakeEater
Urist McDarwinAward, your name is all the explanation I need.Explanation maybe, but not enough story. How did McDarwinAward earn his award?
Urist McDarwinAward, your name is all the explanation I need.Explanation maybe, but not enough story. How did McDarwinAward earn his award?
Ah, the old "go to the danger collecting something unnecessary, then get killed by the danger and drop clothing that someone else can collect" thing.Urist McDarwinAward, your name is all the explanation I need.Explanation maybe, but not enough story. How did McDarwinAward earn his award?
Urist McDarwinAward Decided to go out into the underground caverns near a hostile megabeast to "Gather spider silk" and shit.
Ah, the old "go to the danger collecting something unnecessary, then get killed by the danger and drop clothing that someone else can collect" thing.
I think that's the most annoying feature of webslinging beasts. Despite being absurdly dangerous, they leave these attractive nuisances everywhere. Of course, a combo of a cave spider and a forgotten beast sometimes lead to the same result.Yep. 500+ FB silk threads in my cave now.
Dear Urist Mc Blacksmith. Cut your shit, and make artifacts which aren't a shitty waste of resources like this!
Dear Urist McWeaver,
As I'm sure you're aware, we have several vampires in our fortress. They come in to the tavern to drink our booze and eat our food and contribute absolutely nothing, but what can you do? Anyway, I realize that doors are at a bit of a premium right now, but your room was one of those lucky enough to have a door. I am also well aware that our doors are lockable, as I have done it myself. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider locking yourself in when you go to sleep at night. If you had done so, you would still be alive right now, and not have given all your blood to some vampire or other. I am truly sorry for your lots.
R/OS
Well I really mean they are visitors, and the other visitors eat all our food and drink all our booze. The vampires drink all our blood, which I'm fine with as long as they stick to other visitors, and indeed one such vampire was kind enough to kill a dragon after it had completely slaughtered the rest of my army, but when they kill citizens, that's going too far.Dear Urist McWeaver,
As I'm sure you're aware, we have several vampires in our fortress. They come in to the tavern to drink our booze and eat our food and contribute absolutely nothing, but what can you do? Anyway, I realize that doors are at a bit of a premium right now, but your room was one of those lucky enough to have a door. I am also well aware that our doors are lockable, as I have done it myself. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider locking yourself in when you go to sleep at night. If you had done so, you would still be alive right now, and not have given all your blood to some vampire or other. I am truly sorry for your lots.
R/OS
but vampires don't eat or drink other than blood
Dear Mr. Braids.
You´re a hardworking lad, I respect that, between cooking and boozecrafting I think it´s fair to say that your brothers and sisters would be far skinnier and angrier without your tireless labor!
Now if you need a nap to keep your tempo up, trust me, no one´s more pleased than me, but why the doorway to the grand stockpile?
Arguably the busiest tile on the entire map!
I was more than relieved to see that you did not in fact force the entire fort to take a detour around your narcoleptic self, but it now means that you´ve got a neverending stream of dwarves walking over and around you as you sleep, if indeed sleep is even the word for it!
I think Dr. Twitchy just ran you over with a wheelbarrow!
Now, I wouldn´t dream of telling you where to sleep or not, but might I suggest your room? Remember it? Decent size? Contains a soft bed, well crafted furniture and a statue of a... Blood gnat..? Ok, sorry about the statue, I´ll talk to Ms. Irons afterwards, but surely better than literally having the entire fort walking over you!
And I know, I know, after waking up, your neck turned 90 degrees to the side, with boot and wheelprints all over your bruised body, that it´ll be very tempting to go and tell me aaaall about how angry you are, maybe even throw a little hissy fit.
But I swear to Armok, if you do I will.... ... ...Post a very passive aggresive letter to your door! Seeing as how we´re quite few, and I´m yet to technically inept for deathtraps.
But still!
/Passive aggressive hugs and kisses.
/Dave. God of Wine, Carrion and Confusion.
Dear past self.
Did you REALLY need to make like a thousand bags? We're sending them all the the Trade Depot
Two weeks later
Oh MY GOD. How many of these fucking things are there? There's STILL a steady stream of dwarves hauling them away from the magma glass furnace! Moving all these bags out is SINGLE-HANDEDLY uncluttering the furnace!
Dear past self:Dear future self:
we still have PLENTY of sand bags and empty bags.
Dear moody dorfs:
What the hell is with you guys and spears? Two Adamantine spears, one iron spears. I mean, I'm all for artifact weaponry, but seriously, not even a sword? I accidentally left our sole Adamantine Masterwork short sword in the 3rd cavern and don't want to open THAT up until we finish patching and/or securing the second cavern.
.........and/or converting the flooded area near the adamantine tube into magma sea-level farms.
I......may have forgotten to patch the top and bottom diagonals, sending water pouring down the stairs.
Plus would it kill you to throw out a Platinum War Hammer to go along with the Gold one you guys made?
Dear Uric McFoodPoisoningSeeingCrazyShit
STOP BESERKING WHENEVER YOU EAT!
...
Wrestler McMinerson:
I applaud your attempt to bite a Forgotten Beast in the teeth
Oh, my word. I LOLd but I was already on the exhale and just wheezed a little, like Muttley. Can I sig that?
Dear Geshud the Herbalist,
I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.
Sincerely,
the Overseer
Dear Geshud the Herbalist,
I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.
Sincerely,
the Overseer
Geshud: "But what's this long face about, Mr. McMiner; wilt thou not chase the white giant rhesus macaque! art not game forMobyMonkey Dick?"
McMiner: "I am game for his crooked jaw, and for the jaws of Death too, Herbalist Geshud, if it fairly comes in the way of the business we follow; but I came here to hunt ores, not my commander's vengeance. How many barrels will thy vengeance yield thee even if thou gettest it, Herbalist Geshud? it will not fetch thee much in our Mountainhome Trading Depot."
[...]
Geshud: "All visible objects, dwarf, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event--in the living act, the undoubted deed--there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If dwarf will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white macaque is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. He tasks me; he heaps me; I see in him outrageous strength, with an inscrutable malice sinewing it. That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate; and be the white macaque agent, or be the white macaque principal, I will wreak that hate upon him. Talk not to me of blasphemy, dwarf; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. For could the sun do that, then could I do the other; since there is ever a sort of fair play herein, jealousy presiding over all creations. But not my master, dwarf, is even that fair play. Who's over me? Truth hath no confines."
[...]
Geshud: "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering monkey; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."
(with apologies to Herman Melville)
Dear Dwarves of Opencrafts--Possible causes:
We can't do any sodding crafts, because we are running out of rocks. This is because no one has mined anything for six months. There are three of you with picks, and the ability and inclination to use them. I know everyone would like a bedroom, let alone a larger dining room and a forge, and also that the miners don't have anything else to take up their time. So get up off your lazy arses and get to work!
--The Management.
Dear Dwarves of Opencrafts--Possible causes:
We can't do any sodding crafts, because we are running out of rocks. This is because no one has mined anything for six months. There are three of you with picks, and the ability and inclination to use them. I know everyone would like a bedroom, let alone a larger dining room and a forge, and also that the miners don't have anything else to take up their time. So get up off your lazy arses and get to work!
--The Management.
- Burrow restrictions/civilian alert
- picks forbidden but not dropped (for whatever stupid reason, there's probably a bug report on that somewhere)
- mining labor disabled
- try deleting the designation and re-doing it, that has helped me at least once.
Dear UristsHey, we've always liked Ice Age movies, and have always been fascinated with shoots and leaves. This is not anything new. How dare you shoehorn us!
Due to recent events, a great many of you have now become weresloth suspects. When you are done bleeding and convulsing on the floor please clean up and report to the militia commander for interrogation. Questions may include your opinion of the Ice Age movies and your sudden fascination with shoots and leaves.
If the militia commander turns out to be a weresloth disregard this.
Friendly regards
Dear militia captain Nyllo,Do these guys have partially-equipped uniforms, where they are not wearing some of their items even though the item is available?
I understand from you profile that you are distracted after being unable to practice a martial art. This is also the case for your three squad mates....
Dear Urist McExMiner,
I know you liked digging and you're sulking because I gave your pick to an otherwise useless immigrant, but you're the only furnace operator and smith we brought with us.
You do not have 'no job.' You have furnaces and a smithy to build. Stop slacking.
Re: Urist McEVERYBODY.
After putting out an all-dwarves notice to let you burn and smelt stuff, you're all still keeping a wide berth from the waiting construction.
Nothing is forbidden, you're all walking right past them to pick up rocks, there are plenty of you ignoring work altogether.
You're dwarves. What do you have against furnaces and smelters? Get working.
Dear Urists,
When I drafted you all into the military as marksdwarves to fight that werewarthog, I expected you to shoot at it with your crossbows, not try to wrestle it into submission and get repeatedly bitten in the face. I now have to lock most of you up, including the commander, to make sure none of you turn and infect the rest of the fort. Plus, the hospital is nowhere near finished yet, so the horrible wounds that those of you who survived now have will have to wait. You will probably get infected and die. Please use common sense next time.
Sincerely, a very disappointed overseer
EDIT (AGAIN): Damn it, you guys turned into werewarthogs before I could finish your cells. I hate everything.
Dear Urist McGatherer,
I realise that you weren't keen on military service. That's why you always skipped the training sessions to go out gathering plants. And, to be honest, I was happy to have the plant variety for the still and kitchen. But, do you think you might have found it within you to use that silver battle axe your were carrying on the kobold that stole the step ladder right out from under you? It is regrettable that you will not have the opportunity to learn from your mistake as you comically hung in midair for a month while my attention was on piercing the aquifer. Imagine the surprise of your fellow dwarf, who upon discovering your levitating dead carcass, somehow caused it to crash to the earth. From now on, you will be known a Schrodinger's Dwarf.
Side note: I assume it's a slightly amusing bug. I got notified that a kobold stole a step ladder. I didn't think much of it until I noticed a dwarf at the top of a step ladder, dying of thirst. I couldn't figure out why he didn't just climb down (and no, there were no trees around). I send someone to build a staircase next to the step ladder. As soon as the builder showed up, the stepladder vanished and the dead dwarf plummeted to the ground.
Dear Urist McFoodCritic,
I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*
Dear Urist McFoodCritic,
I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*
Dear Urist McFoodCritic,
I have received complaints from our chefs that you refuse to consume any of the high-quality meals they have prepared for you. Instead, they claim that you prefer to consume their raw ingredients, and then proceed to complain that they never cook anything decent. This picky behavior is unhealthy and is bad for fortress morale. We encourage you to open your palate to the wide variety of flavors in the world and learn to enjoy literally any kind of food, preferably one that we are able to keep in stock.
Sincerely,
The Mayor
*After writing this, the mayor went to the dining room and was disappointed at the lack of slug meat in the larders. He ate a raw plump helmet and complained about the lack of decent meals.*
Dear Mayor,
We find that, yes, the meals prepared by you and your subordinates are indeed delicious! However we the workers, much like yourselves, are contractually obligated to see to our duties first. Our rest periods are the only time available to us to eat, drink, sleep, pray, read, and socialize; as such we will tend to go through the necessary motions as quickly as possible. Whatever food is closest when we decide to go eat is what we'll get. We don't have time for anything else in busy times, and the habit persists even among the most idle dwarves so they're ready if their workload increases again. We'll grab the prepared foods most of the time, but if you really want to keep workers out of the larder the best thing to do would be to set out meals closer to the work areas from a central kitchen, or to restrict access to the room where raw ingredients are stored to kitchen staff only. We hope to work with you on this, and improve conditions for both of us.
On Behalf of Those Concerned,
The Manager
For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
P.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.
To my faithful builders.For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.
- Your faithful buildersQuoteP.S. If you could also build those weapons that I ordered like a month ago, that'd be great.
Oh, I didn't realize you wanted those jobs done (n)ow! You might visit the workshop where you queued the orders in order to put the official "do it (n)ow" stamp on them.
- Your harried weaponsmith
To my faithful builders.For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.
To my faithful builders.For fuck's sake, build the walls quicker unless you want to get pummeled into the ground by ogres like the previous two iterations of this fort.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
We're going as fast as we can! If you want the work sped up, would you mind if we made a block stockpile closer to the build site? This would reduce overall hauling time. It would help even more to place a stone stockpile and few mason's shops for blockmaking there.
The stones are right next to the bloody construction area and I made sure that they were the same kind of stones, I can't make this shit easier for you, its like a two second walk from the blocks to the construction site.
Dear Overseer Urist Unhacker,
See, that's the problem. We *can*, technically, build walls from raw boulders, but it's very, very slow going--both to drag the boulders to the site and to build the wall once there--and the resulting walls are eminently climbable by our enemies. Fortunately, if you'll allow us to create blocks at a mason's workshop, perhaps by assigning multiple unskilled dwarves masonry and allowing them to use only the masons' shops you intend for blockmaking, we can build much, much faster, and the end result will be much, much better!
Sincerely,
Your dorfs
Dear Dwarves of Problemearth,Water is unnecessary for farming. You could also remove all hauling jobs except water hauling, then he won't haul chert.
I realize that telling you to irrigate a completely flat area may have caused you understandable panic, and even that you drop the buckets which you carried with you.
But that is no excuse for ignoring the dropped buckets - and giving hauling chert more priority - once the miners have channeled out the area. Unless you want to run out of food when the next batches of hungry migrants have arrived, I suggest you get to it.
- Very sincerely, your Benevolent Overlord
Don't I need mud to create a farm plot?Dear Dwarves of Problemearth,Water is unnecessary for farming. You could also remove all hauling jobs except water hauling, then he won't haul chert.
I realize that telling you to irrigate a completely flat area may have caused you understandable panic, and even that you drop the buckets which you carried with you.
But that is no excuse for ignoring the dropped buckets - and giving hauling chert more priority - once the miners have channeled out the area. Unless you want to run out of food when the next batches of hungry migrants have arrived, I suggest you get to it.
- Very sincerely, your Benevolent Overlord
Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
If it's aboveground, the build interface reads "Needs mud/soil for farm."
Are plump helmets underground plants? There go all my plans for massive aboveground farms...Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
If it's aboveground, the build interface reads "Needs mud/soil for farm."
You are in a biome that does not allow most plants, it sounds like. A glacier, perhaps?
In this case underground plants are the only things that can grow.
Are plump helmets underground plants? There go all my plans for massive aboveground farms...Are you unable to build the farm on actual dirt? Can you build a farm on non-dirt if it is muddy?I have silty clay loam mostly, and apparently I can only create a plot on it if it is also a cavern floor tile.
If it's aboveground, the build interface reads "Needs mud/soil for farm."
You are in a biome that does not allow most plants, it sounds like. A glacier, perhaps?
In this case underground plants are the only things that can grow.
Hey Guys, guys - great idea! You know how you all hate getting caught in a miasma? This is just a idea, but what about if we hauled the half-eaten food/crundle arm (who brought this up here?)/dead escapee yak calves out to the dump before they rotted? Rather than everyone standing around looking at the putrifying lump and waiting for someone else to haul it? We're gonna have to move it anyway after all, this way we don't wave to wait until it's gone runny and everyone's vomiting.
You were told! I do appreciate that there was a dangerous cat gelding going on, which is always good for a distraction, but nevertheless.
Dear Bombrek Paintwalled,"How do wheelbarrow, instructions unclear, arm stuck in bear"
You're a Clerk, a talented record keeper, a great student, and an accomplished reader, even a decent hammerdwarf, all signs pointing to an intelligent individual.
Why are you carrying the wheelbarrow laden with a granite boulder instead of pushing it in front of you as you make your way from the mine to the stockpile? Do you not understand wheelbarrow?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
"Must away from bear, jump in magma"Dear Bombrek Paintwalled,"How do wheelbarrow, instructions unclear, arm stuck in bear"
You're a Clerk, a talented record keeper, a great student, and an accomplished reader, even a decent hammerdwarf, all signs pointing to an intelligent individual.
Why are you carrying the wheelbarrow laden with a granite boulder instead of pushing it in front of you as you make your way from the mine to the stockpile? Do you not understand wheelbarrow?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
"Magma was hot. Gonna get a beer...""Must away from bear, jump in magma"Dear Bombrek Paintwalled,"How do wheelbarrow, instructions unclear, arm stuck in bear"
You're a Clerk, a talented record keeper, a great student, and an accomplished reader, even a decent hammerdwarf, all signs pointing to an intelligent individual.
Why are you carrying the wheelbarrow laden with a granite boulder instead of pushing it in front of you as you make your way from the mine to the stockpile? Do you not understand wheelbarrow?
Sincerely,
Overseer.
Dear guests,
if you want to leave the fortress through the circus, that's fine but
know that the clowns will be there to give you a very !!warm!! welcome.
(and yes, after a lot of failed attempts, I did succed in having an outpost in the circus)
It is alcohol poisoning, done by your tavern keeper or performer.So we should
Dwarves are good at holding their liqueur, though elves are better.
Dear bee folk of Rocksbook,Hey, we are gathering pollen! It is completely necessary!
While I do admire your curiosity and eagerness to learn about the surrounding plant life, I strongly disapprove of your simultaneous decision to all fly into the trees and sit there for hours on end while there is still work to do, leaving your crippled friend dying of thirst on the ground below. We are bees, not elves. We cannot sit around hugging trees for our entire lives. Get down here and do your jobs.
Sincerely,
TheOverseerQueen
Dear every dwarf in existence,
Stop getting stuck in trees, damn it.
Sincerely,
Some random human
Dear butcher,
(https://i.imgur.com/8qv6V3Y.png)
WHY
.....how did 8 of you manage to get stuck in a single tree?!? It's not in the fruit picking zone, we've not been cutting wood in that area, there haven't been any attacks or wild animals that might have encouraged you to climb a tree....gotta quarentine them and eliminate them and the tree with liberal use of fire, gotta make sure it doesn't spread
Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases
Purge the heretics......how did 8 of you manage to get stuck in a single tree?!? It's not in the fruit picking zone, we've not been cutting wood in that area, there haven't been any attacks or wild animals that might have encouraged you to climb a tree....gotta quarentine them and eliminate them and the tree with liberal use of fire, gotta make sure it doesn't spread
Are you tree-fondling? Stop it, that's dirty, you'll catch elfy diseases
Lack of booze doesn't cause dwarves to puke. Excessive consumption of booze, sunlight, some syndromes or gutpunches do.
Dear dwarves,
If a forgotten beast emerges from the cave lake and begins killing people, I suggest running away rather than coming to see where all that noise is coming from. And if you die, at least have the courtesy to do it on dry land: now two of you are going to rot away at the bottom of the lake.
Dear jeweler and stoneworker of Atticequal,
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. DO YOUR JOBS. You're not even stuck on anything, you're just standing there. There are plenty of jobs to be done, DO THEM. We have a visitor, damn it. Make a good impression.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
EDIT: Why aren't you eating food. Use your brains, damn it.
Dear jeweler and stoneworker of Atticequal,
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING. DO YOUR JOBS. You're not even stuck on anything, you're just standing there. There are plenty of jobs to be done, DO THEM. We have a visitor, damn it. Make a good impression.
Sincerely,
The Overseer
EDIT: Why aren't you eating food. Use your brains, damn it.
...Sounds like they're stuck somewhere. You should check if they have a path to the rest of the fortress.
Maybe you should be happy these two aren't eating or drinking, do you want them spreading those genes?
Dear Elven neighbors of our prosperous fortress,
...
Would you be so kind to send us more books and more dancers?
Sincerely,
Hengikjoptr of Mountainvessels.
(Wooden pumps will not burned or be damaged even when pumping magma, this public service announcement brought to you by Urist McVeryOffendedPhysicist)
(Wooden pumps will not burned or be damaged even when pumping magma, this public service announcement brought to you by Urist McFloodsYourFortressWithMagma)
In order to safely pump magma, you must use magma-safe materials, though magma-unsafe metals have been observed to be safe unless the open tile is going to be submerged in magma. Wooden parts (except for nether-caps) will burst into flames the instant the pump is activated, and magma-unsafe stone blocks melt after a short time.
Dear squad, The Clubs of Earth,*succeeds in stealing artifact*
You guys are supposed to have full armor coverage. We have enough armor to do it.
This is the third time one of you guys have been bitten by a werebeast on uncovered arms or feet. Notice how they can't get teeth through iron?
The next time one of you starts growing fur, I'm sending him on a lone mission to get me random artifacts from the goblins and elves.
Dear Baron Mafol,
Please marry Queen Nish already. Three years and three full winters of speed dating after the founding of Glazedshimmer and the beginning of your courtship two months later, you and she are still stuck on 'Lovers'. Meanwhile, five other couples have fallen in love and gotten married, one of them immediately after starting their courtship, and our doctor (also a scholar) fell in love with one of the miners (not a scholar) in the middle of a discussion about military ethics in the library. If he can get a romance started while yakking with the two of you, I don't see why you can't finish one. You do spend all day every day together in the library...
I want royal babies, dammit.
Dear Urists McCrossbowdwarfs,
I have no idea why you prefer to spend all your time wrestling instead of target practice, and while that may have made some of you good dodgers and otherwise less-than-terrible wrestlers, I didn't draft you guys for your strength.
Plus, you're still awful marksdwarfs.
So I'm taking it out of your booze budget to replace all the steel bolts you wasted during that last siege, in which you shot exactly one goblin. In the leg.
But more of the bolts would hit...
But more of the bolts would hit...
Oh, has that changed? It used to be that skilled effected only firing speed, so more skill was worse for fort-mode dwarves.
But more of the bolts would hit...
Oh, has that changed? It used to be that skilled effected only firing speed, so more skill was worse for fort-mode dwarves.
Well, I mean, firing speed is tied to damage, so even if accuracy was not increased there would be more one-hit kills and thus it would in fact be better.
Memo to: all soldiersMemo to: Overseer
You have all been issued with steel helms. Some of you have even been gifted with adamantine armor pieces. It is not a matter of argument that steel offers more protection than frayed silk. If you wear the *#*&$¥@% helms, you won’t get your skulls caved in by a bestial chinchilla that time forgot.
Sincerely,
Refilling your squad with goblin poets and elven dancers
Dear Urist McFurnitureHaulers,Put the bookshelves somewhere else, wait until the books are moved, build bookshelves in the old spots, then deconstruct the new shelves.
I'm sorry about the mess made by Urist McTantrumThrower. He really made a mess of the library. The bookshelves he overturned had books on them, which are now dumped on the floor. The solution to this problem is to pick up the books and move them so you can put the bookshelves where they belong, not to simply give up and suspend the job indefinitely. It has been years since the tantrum, and two bookshelves are still out of place. If this behavior continues, you may find yourselves locked out of the fortress the next time the elves try to sneak up on us riding war grizzlies. You have been warned.
Frustratedly,
Your Less-Than-Benevolent Overlord
Dear Urist,Try storing the non-prepared food behind the prepared food.
There is a stockpile full of masterful mussel roasts by the dining hall, yet you choose to eat exclusively raw alfalfa. I wouldn't have a problem with your decision if you weren't constantly whining about the imaginary lack of decent meals.
I remain,
SQman
Dear Urist McPrisonerHauler,
We are well aware that the caged prisoners need to be executed, which is why we are having you drop them into a deep pit with a weapon trap at the bottom. While your enthusiasm in disposing of them is appreciated, there is no need to jump down the hole after them in an attempt to engage them in combat. You have found yourself clinging by your fingertips to the edge of the pit several times now, and yet the lethality of the drop seems to have still escaped your notice. Please, for your safety and the dwindling sanity of your loved ones, just drop the prisoners down the hole and leave.
Sincerely,
The management
Dear Dorfs,
I don't want to hear ONE FREAKIN WORD about the miasma that kobold is generating. You're the ones letting him rot away merrily on the steps. There's plenty of room in the refuse heap, all of you have hauling turned on...go to it! Or maybe you secretly like the stinky?
Confused,
Me
Dear Urist McFisherman and Urist McFisherman,Dear Overseer,
You came into my fort as migrants skilled in fishing and with that job enabled. Please stop complaining about the rain or you'll be assigned to fishing labour in the caverns with your giant cave spider friends where you'll want the rain back.
Sincerely,
the Stumpland manager trying to make everyone happy but failing because of you two idiots.
Dear dwarves of Sosasvutram:
1 Stop stealing our most valuable trade goods for your personal use and refusing to give them up.
...
So they're stealing prepared food pots/barrels?That would be a huge stack of trade goods. The goods I'm ranting about are overembellished pieces of jewellery, including a ☼«≡granite bracelet≡»☼ valued at 4580☼. Not that I'm too happy about them scarfing down most of the ☼feather tree egg yolk roast☼s either, mind you.
Dear McUristHaterOfBodiesLoverOfSocksReplace getting a sock from fallen friends with "harvesting teeth and arrows that aren't even useful without a living team of marksdwarves" and...my fort.
I know that you hate the sight of a dead body, but rushing to get a new sock from your fallen friends will definitely not help with your trauma.
Dear McUristHaterOfBodiesLoverOfSocksReplace getting a sock from fallen friends with "harvesting teeth and arrows that aren't even useful without a living team of marksdwarves" and...my fort.
I know that you hate the sight of a dead body, but rushing to get a new sock from your fallen friends will definitely not help with your trauma.
ALSO: Dear Urist McWannabeMarksdwarf,
how did you only lightly injure a chained target at point blank range with five iron bolts? Getting one of them to pierce the chest instead of bruising the arm shouldn't be too hard. Or even better, you should have gone for the head.
Dear--sigh, I'm back already--hunters/monster slayers/marksdwarves of DiamondCommon,
When a creature sneaks into the fortress, you can't casually shoot it once in the guts and then knock off for a drink.
Now we're stuck with some stupid Yakkity Sax montage as your compatriots try to chase down the elk bird that's running through all the bedrooms and waking up dorfs by kicking their doors in, bleating and vomiting on beds the whole while.
The mental image gave me a good laugh. Thank you.
Dear Dwarves:
Do the priority 1 excavations. I need them done to provide enough water to fill the second water reactor which in turn is necessary for the mist generator and bathtub. If you fail to comply, I will let you all go insane.
RELATED: does retiring/unretiring a fort do anything about the mental state of the citizens? Between the fact that everyone's going melancholy or stark raving mad over life in general (not even anything noteworthy in the last 5 years) and the fact that my fort is still inexplicably at war with my home civ, I'm considering it despite the extreme hassle and the FPS drop as the dammed river re-drains.
On the other hand, you shot at the dragon causing it to jump into the pit face first and explode.This is distilled Dwarf Fortress combat.
problem: no method of installing or configuring DFhack known to me has yet succeeded in getting it to run. No amount of troubleshooting has managed to get it into a better situation than this:Dear Dwarves:
Do the priority 1 excavations. I need them done to provide enough water to fill the second water reactor which in turn is necessary for the mist generator and bathtub. If you fail to comply, I will let you all go insane.
RELATED: does retiring/unretiring a fort do anything about the mental state of the citizens? Between the fact that everyone's going melancholy or stark raving mad over life in general (not even anything noteworthy in the last 5 years) and the fact that my fort is still inexplicably at war with my home civ, I'm considering it despite the extreme hassle and the FPS drop as the dammed river re-drains.
The stress system is quite bugged at the moment, mainly with how each bit from an invasion/hunting expedition can ruin a dwarfs mood. For the time being, the best solution is just to use df hack and remove-stress all
Look at the picture in the spoiler.
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=171185.msg7840276#msg7840276
problem: no method of installing or configuring DFhack known to me has yet succeeded in getting it to run. No amount of troubleshooting has managed to get it into a better situation than this:Dear Dwarves:
Do the priority 1 excavations. I need them done to provide enough water to fill the second water reactor which in turn is necessary for the mist generator and bathtub. If you fail to comply, I will let you all go insane.
RELATED: does retiring/unretiring a fort do anything about the mental state of the citizens? Between the fact that everyone's going melancholy or stark raving mad over life in general (not even anything noteworthy in the last 5 years) and the fact that my fort is still inexplicably at war with my home civ, I'm considering it despite the extreme hassle and the FPS drop as the dammed river re-drains.
The stress system is quite bugged at the moment, mainly with how each bit from an invasion/hunting expedition can ruin a dwarfs mood. For the time being, the best solution is just to use df hack and remove-stress all
Look at the picture in the spoiler.
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=171185.msg7840276#msg7840276
df_osx_emotionactualfix/dfhack-0.44.12-r1-OSX-64-gcc-7.3.0/dfhack: line 15: ./dwarfort.exe: No such file or directory
Dear giant cave spiders ofI take it you can't even use them for silk farming?MalicedeepDiamondcommon,
Apparently your old kobold master have trained you not to shot web.
We'll be capturing your wild brethren for that. In the meantime, we'll have to figure out what to do with you guys.
Count yourselves lucky if you end up as guard animals instead of roasts.
I take it you can't even use them for silk farming?
Are you chaining tame dogs? Try something wild.
Failing that, chain a gobbo ;)
Dear Urist McDumbassJewelerAre they in bins? Bins can be troublesome.
Do I need to enroll you in a remedial maths course? There are 268 entire cut lapises in the stockpile. And yet, for some peculiar reason, you are insisting we are out of lapis for encrusting furniture. My good dorf, this site is lousy with lapis. There is not a shortage. Now get back to work before I figure out how to club you upside the head with a sandbag.
Dear Urist McClothier,"Don't know 'em, didn't see the bodies, don't have to care. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to mourn the loss of fine socks and trousers whose fate I never saw."
Let me first extend my most heartfelt condolences in this trying time. I do understand; art desecration is a terrible thing, and it is my understanding that a number of your greatest works were recently destroyed. Take all the time you need until the emotional shock passes.
That said, it would be of some personal comfort to me if you gave some indication of grief or even acknowledgement, however small, for the half dozen dwarves who were wearing them when the collapsing scaffolding cast them screaming into the magma moat.
Regards,
The Overseer
I cannot decide yet whether to expel you for cowardice or keep you around to see if this event will change you for the better.Dear Expedition Leader,
Dear overseer of Raspedlances,
You do know vampires and zombies are like best buddies, dont you?
Sincerely, A. Vampire
Dear overseer of Raspedlances,
You do know vampires and zombies are like best buddies, dont you?
Sincerely, A. Vampire
Sure, hang out with your buddy. Don't mind the fact that everyone else seems to be freaking out for some reason.
Dear Wood Burner Nil uristlogem,
You have the craftsdwarfship labor enabled. If you're stressed out due to going too long without practicing creativity, just take a craftsdwarf station job! You're really good at burning wood, but that doesn't have to be ALL you ever do. Just chill on the throwing cups around, please.
To Whom It May Concern,
It has come to my attention that not only are you leaving buckets by the side of ponds, but you are also complaining that the buckets are being lost or destroyed. I assure you, they are still intact and findable.
More problematically, I have noticed that you are taking it upon yourselves to dump all wool, skin, and hair. It has gotten so bad that I have started habitually going through the dump when the spinners and leather workers complain that they are unable to do their jobs. Please stop doing this, or I will find the person responsible and make them sleep outside. Thank you.
By my hand,
HMD
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
Well, that was a typo (how my spellcheck doesn't catch 'bling' I haven't the foggiest), but now I'm choosing to believe the largest of them is wearing a polished forgotten beast skull on a chain.
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
the resident bling ogresSo, what is this, exactly? ICP: Insane Cavern Posse? "Fuckin' mushrooms, how do they work?"
M.C. Ogre, "Can't See This?"
I mean...the dwarves, ultimately, are the bling ogres, right?
(PS: M.C. Hammerdwarf, "Cancel: Beating time")
Alas, fisherdwarves will prioritize fishing over most everything else. It's usually best to appoint a dedicated fish cleaner, rather than make the fisherdwarf do it.
Dear Urist Mcfarmboy(s)You want them to not plant them, because you don't have plump helmet spawn? Or are you saying you want them to plant seeds you don't have much of?
Please stop planting plump helmets due to our seed shortage.
Signed,
an unknown entity
Dear Urist"
I guess you're right. It's a bit embarrassing, but I don't want to be known as the man who didn't think twice about posting a picture of our heads.
Ahhahaha. Spoken like a true Bay12er... but why kill her off? You'll just get another mandating monarch in replacement, no?
Note to Ast Urdimkol, "Ast Towerwheel", Miner (skill: professional) of Zelerlitast, "Primetorch" (outpost):What did the very inefficient bridge look like? I’ve never seen an inefficient bridge before
You could have built that river bridge a more efficient way, you know. You wouldn't have had your fat melted then. Rest In Peace...idiot.
(He died due to having his fat melted off his body, presumably bled to death. While trying to build a bridge the least efficient way possible. Embark is in a scorching biome.)
...would show a local image if I could but the image format either doesn't use URLs (what else would it use?) or doesn't support Google Drive ones (and Imgur is probably packed full of inappropriate images everywhere).Make sure your link ends in an image file extension (.jpg, .png, .bmp, .gif). A link to a page containing the image won't work.
Dear overseer nimrod,
I gave up my mortality and place in society for these powers at your insistence, and by Armok, I'm gonna use them one way or another.
Yours,
Urist McNecromancer
p.s.
So help me, if you put me within a hundred feet of that monster and I survive, you will have an undead forgotten beast to deal with. Think on that nimrod.
Dear Urist McNecromancer,I am very curious how this will turn out
Stop using your newly found powers to reanimate skeletons and corpses while hunting. The military is sick and tired of cleaning your mess. We did not steal and copy the books containing the secrets of life and death for you to be a nuisance. Be like the other necromancers - they know how to behave.
Signed,
the not so amused Overseer who was afraid this might happen
ps. From this day onwards, you are not allowed to hunt anymore. One of your reindeer bull skeleton pets managed to kick our war jaguar in the head, exploding the part in gore. We now have to hope that the elves will bring us more jaguars so that our breeding program can continue.
pps. We still have a Forgotten Beast that needs to be taken care of in the caverns, and we will send you as a volunteer if you do not comply.
I am very curious how this will turn out
(Wiki indicates that trapmaking is governed by the Trapper skill, not carpentry or metalsmithing. The material just affects which workshop is used. No idea about the bins, but if the traps are higher in the priority, it might be blocking them.)
To Whom It May Concern:Attacked by logs? When did logs become hostile?
Rattlesnakes are very dangerous. If you encounter one in the course of your duties, We prefer you to run away.
If you decide that you must engage a rattlesnake, We recommend not grabbing them by the teeth as it will not prevent them from attacking.
We are aware that Our miner seems to have been unharmed by her encounter, but as the snake did in fact successfully strike her twice, We are reserving judgement on the matter.
On that note, the dump zone has been moved following the two combat reports of "attacked by logs".
TO ALL MEMBERS OF THIS FORTRESS:
If this Fortress falls into Ruin because none of you could be bothered to place Our Miner into her Final Resting Place, We will not seek to reclaim it but let it stand as a Monument to your Stupidity.
Not only is it disrespectful to allow the Current State of Affairs to continue, but We cannot reach past the Aquifer with her Body in the way.
To Whom It May Concern:Attacked by logs? When did logs become hostile?
Rattlesnakes are very dangerous. If you encounter one in the course of your duties, We prefer you to run away.
If you decide that you must engage a rattlesnake, We recommend not grabbing them by the teeth as it will not prevent them from attacking.
We are aware that Our miner seems to have been unharmed by her encounter, but as the snake did in fact successfully strike her twice, We are reserving judgement on the matter.
On that note, the dump zone has been moved following the two combat reports of "attacked by logs".
TO ALL MEMBERS OF THIS FORTRESS:
If this Fortress falls into Ruin because none of you could be bothered to place Our Miner into her Final Resting Place, We will not seek to reclaim it but let it stand as a Monument to your Stupidity.
Not only is it disrespectful to allow the Current State of Affairs to continue, but We cannot reach past the Aquifer with her Body in the way.
@uncoolI hear about civilian alerts, but have no idea what they are or what they do or how to activate them
Consider using a Civilian Alert.
https://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Civilian_alert@uncoolI hear about civilian alerts, but have no idea what they are or what they do or how to activate them
Consider using a Civilian Alert.
Dear UristBorn 2 haul
would you please consider to drop the cobaltite stone when the alarm bell rings. The story the siege engineer told you about the neutron cobalt bomb he wants to build next time a forgotten beast enters the fortress is bullshit, you remember the adamantine war hammer he built?? He is an idiot, run!!
Dear Urist McHuntsforus, don't let a wombat interrupt your hunt. Kill the blighter! What's more important: the fortress getting some protein or a wittle, fuzzy, wuzzy, innocent wombat living to see another day in this definitely-much-less-than-perfect world?Dear Urist McHuntsforus, my most formal apology. I did not realize that wombats have the ability to fight. That being said, could you let Urists McMiney, McDiggy and McWoody know that I don't appreciate them sleeping on the job?
Dear Plump Helmet Men and Plump Helmet Women of Ringhollow,Have you tried pitting them into someone they can't easily get out of? They can live happily there, without gumming up the cages.
ENOUGH! Why must you insist on taking up my cages? I have nothing against you, and see no reason we should not coexist peacefully, but I have a limited number of cages at the moment, and I need you out of them! I have repeatedly pitted you on a nice gentle slope in the cavern from which you emerged, but every time, you beeline straight back into the cage traps that protect my main staircase from the caverns. So I conceded that perhaps you'd like to join us inside our fine fortress, and pitted you outside, where you were free to come in and make merry in the Earthen Fruits, a fine tavern indeed. What did you do? After a brief skirmish with our overeager war dogs, you charged straight back into the same corridor with the cage traps!
I don't know what to conclude. Either you're behaving like a cat, who demands to go outside only to immediately demand to be let back in, or you simply insist on raising a family inside our cages. Yes, I suppose it is moist and damp inside a glass terrarium. But please. We need those cages. Be free, I beg you.
Dear militia of Leanfenced,so everyone used their left hand?
I understand trolls are fearsome and relatively tough and we didn't have any weaponry yet, but...
Seriously, fifteen of you? For days? After the troll collapsed from exhaustion?
I'm not going to bring up the whole log, because every message is the same, changing only the attacker.
Every. Single. One.
(https://i.imgur.com/7269r7V.jpg)
Seriously. Even after it culled entire pages of this...
(https://i.imgur.com/UnYuXNP.jpg)
Days. Over a WEEK. Of you useless drunks not only surrounding it, but trading off when some of you would back away to catch a nap.
No one even got a killing blow. There is no "the troll was struck down" or "the troll dies from blood loss" message or anything. It just decided to not be alive anymore.
For Armok's sake, guys.
so everyone used their left hand?Okay, so the attacker and hand changed.
Okay, so the attacker and hand changed.
The pages I pulled up didn't even have any kicking.
Okay, so the attacker and hand changed.
The pages I pulled up didn't even have any kicking.
Another way to deal with this is to disable your miners, wait for them to drop their picks, enlist them and assign their picks as weapons. Then send them to slay the troll.
Dear Urist McVampire. Stop getting so upset about remembering seeing Urist McDrainedofblood die. This is Dwarf Fortress, not some crappy YA fantasy novel. We don't need emo vampires here.what? Did the vampire forget that they drained him?
do they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
do they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
That's what I meant when I told them all that they can perform architecture.
do they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
That's what I meant when I told them all that they can perform architecture.
You also need the relevant crafting labor enabled on at least one other dwarf. One skilled in the material it's being built out of. For example making something out of metal requires a metalsmith, wood would require a carpenter, and stone/glass requires a mason.
Here's a wiki link with more info: https://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Building_designer
It requires one of my five masons after it's designed. The problem is the architects aren't doing anything
Where the actual fuck did you get a piece of slade from to decorate that brass low boot? I haven't even dug the second cavern layer yet!Could it have been a gizzard stone from butchering a bird/reptile? Those are made of randomly selected materials.
whoops, missed that partdo they have the appropriate labors enabled? cuz if you don't have an architect it ain't gettin' built
That's what I meant when I told them all that they can perform architecture.
Dear urist mcmigrants goose.
While I understand that the giantess started it, in the future could you please let the military get a few hits in before you crack its skull open and send it into a coma. The military do like to think of themselves as useful and you've made them feel quite pathetic now. Like honestly, how did you even do that.
Your slightly confused/amused deity
Dear Urist McStrangeMood:
No, we do not have shells.
No, we cannot get them right now.
Please don't get your crazy all over my fortress.
Nervously yours,
God.
Dear Urist McHaulerso you’re mad at the dwarf for hauling the material that you gave him the only job to haul?
WHY ARE YOU STILL HAULING SPHALERITE?!
2.2 tons of sphalerite have been sitting in the snow for nine months.
You have no other jobs enabled.
What the f*ck are you doing?
With much pain and anguish,
Your Boss
I am not mad that they are hauling sphalerite. . . but I am having a conniption that they are only moving one piece of ore every two months. It's like they're trolling me.Dear Urist McHaulerso you’re mad at the dwarf for hauling the material that you gave him the only job to haul?
WHY ARE YOU STILL HAULING SPHALERITE?!
2.2 tons of sphalerite have been sitting in the snow for nine months.
You have no other jobs enabled.
What the f*ck are you doing?
With much pain and anguish,
Your Boss
Maybe this is a reasonable and natural behavior. Dwarfs don't like snow and they need variety in life.The only reasonable thing a dwarf can do: drink heavily and hide from the walruses.
Maybe Urist McHauler has unmet needs? What does he/she do when not hauling?
I am not mad that they are hauling sphalerite. . . but I am having a conniption that they are only moving one piece of ore every two months. It's like they're trolling me.
Dear Urist McWrestlinginstructorDid that happen in 47.04? I thought that dangerous training was only in past.
While I appreciate joint locks are an important part of disabling the enemy, executing one during training on Urist McTrainee's upper spine is a step too far.
Do not anger me again, Urist McTrainee had a lot of potential, and was in fact tipped to be physically one of the best soldiers we at the vault of creation have had for a while. Until you killed him
From the Overseer
Dear Urist McTrainee
My apologies I thought you were dead when in fact Urist merely destroyed your back and neck. If the chief medical dwarf has cleared you fit for service after a week of bone repair then I suppose there's nothing to be done but put you back onto training, this time with Urist McNewWrestlinginstructor while Urist McWrestlinginstructor takes an indefinate leave of absence down in the caverns
From the Overseer
Dear militia,lol
When I order you to station on the tower top, the goal is to protect the marksdwarves against climbing goblins. No need to use the tree branches hanging over the fortifications to get out and get stupidly killed by the goblins that still haven't managed to climb up.
d - o - r (restricted traffic area) might/might not have prevented smashing poor Urist....You can actually do that?
d - o - r (restricted traffic area) might/might not have prevented smashing poor Urist....You can actually do that?
By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,
When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit. The Enemy will descend to you.
Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.
Dear Urist McAirGuitarist:
Why in the name of Armok are you simulating instruments that are already stored in the tavern in your drunken revelry?
Your Overseer.
By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,
When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit. The Enemy will descend to you.
Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.
To: her moldy undead tragedy.
Re: Military strategy.
What? You provided us w’a path! Surely, if ye ha’ant intended us to engage th’enemy, ye would ha’ ensured that we cou’nt get t’em! A wars a war, lass, those go’lins aren’t gonna kill themselves.
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
Dear Urist McLame-o
While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.
-yours, the Overseer
Dear Urist McLame-o
While I appreciate the fact that you are now a legendary armorcrafter, I must say I am rather disappointed in your artifact, being crafted out of one single bar of silver and nothing else. I am even more disappointed that you made a GAUNTLET, of all things.
-yours, the Overseer
Dear Overseer Nezclaw
You got all upset with Urist McMetalcrafter over there for using up half the ferrous supply, the last of the cave spider silk and a shell on his stupid figurine of magma crabs, so at least I made you something functional! Give me a break, I know metals are scarce, I didn't insist everyone try to eat shelled food, I didn't even use up too much metal making the glove a pair. Tell me what you want made, and I'll make it for you! I'm legendary now!
--Urist McLame,
(who is only lame because your doctor needs someone to make some soap before I get an infection in this here foot...)
By Order of Her Most Dread Majesty,
When this Fortress is under Attack, you are to stay in the Pit. The Enemy will descend to you.
Further Deviation can and will be punished via Entombment.
To: her moldy undead tragedy.
Re: Military strategy.
What? You provided us w’a path! Surely, if ye ha’ant intended us to engage th’enemy, ye would ha’ ensured that we cou’nt get t’em! A wars a war, lass, those go’lins aren’t gonna kill themselves.
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
Good Dwarf, if Walls were Paths the Fortress would have neither Ramps nor Stairs.
To: her mangey diseased travesty
Re: Re: Re: Military Strategy
O’course walls ‘re paths! If y’didn’t want us takin’ ‘em, y’shoulda smoothed t’walls of the pit so we cou’n’t climb down and made t’pit deep enough that w’couldn’t jump down ei’er. Ano’er thing y’coulda done is to provide us w’fortifications w’a roof o’er our heads.
Also, remember tha’, if y’don’ like t’way we do it, y’can just use magma instead!
Magma fixes all problems!
Signed: Urist McCrossbow Dwarf.
Dear Urist Pumpoperator,
When a pump has been built, there is no need to immediately begin pumping by hand. I will let you know when it is safe to pump. You have killed 2 dwarves...
Dear Urist McDoctorIt's rare to see a Dear Urist without the frustration.
We miss you so much mate.
We really could have used you in the first year.
Somehow I think embarking with two doctors would have been a plan.
--The Dwarves of Katimush.
p.s. There are now a lot of aligator sandbags made in your honour. RIP.
Dear Urist,
Why did you go into the tunnel seconds after you just dug a channel between the pit of lava and the empty tunnel that leads to a magma forge?
OOOOOO
OOOOMM
OOOOMM
+++XOO
++++OO
++++OO
Foolish bastards!Spoiler: Here's my dorfproof volcano lava collection: (click to show/hide)
Foolish bastards!My foolproof method (well not really mine I read it elsewhere):
Can you elf-loving sons of a goblin stop being convinced by foreign agents to steal our artifacts? I like displaying them in the tavern for all to see, but for Armok's sake, I can't go a week without having to track down a "misplaced" artifact, and a month without having to kill a "visitor" trying to just go away with said artifacts.I have a policy of leaving one crime unsolved in each fortress, so I can bring in every visitor for questioning as soon as they arrive. If they aren't who they say, or admit to coming to steal my artifacts, they'll be spending their visit to my fort behind bars.
Do I have to lock the artifacts down in fortifications or something?
Presumably it was a tantrum or other stress-related fight.
I think the justice system only tracks "premeditated" murders, i.e. vampires or fell moods.
If there were no other dwarves to witness what happened, there were no other dwarves to report the crime. The game still knows what happened to the dwarf that was killed, of course, so it gets worked into that dwarf's life story for legends purposes. I don't think the two systems are very connected at this point. If one dwarf from the fort kills another and there are witnesses, they will definitely see it as a crime—tantrums usually lead to a lot of "disorderly conduct" accusations and the like.I don't know if I can check that directly, but there were, ahem, other dwarves in that tree too. It was a really poorly chosen designation. None of the others were harmed and I don't know why the woodcutter decided to axe murder one of the survivors.
If there were no other dwarves to witness what happened, there were no other dwarves to report the crime. The game still knows what happened to the dwarf that was killed, of course, so it gets worked into that dwarf's life story for legends purposes. I don't think the two systems are very connected at this point. If one dwarf from the fort kills another and there are witnesses, they will definitely see it as a crime—tantrums usually lead to a lot of "disorderly conduct" accusations and the like.I don't know if I can check that directly, but there were, ahem, other dwarves in that tree too. It was a really poorly chosen designation. None of the others were harmed and I don't know why the woodcutter decided to axe murder one of the survivors.
I recall a fight breaking out between a dwarf that had been stuck in a tree and the woodcutter that I sent to "rescue" him too, it could be that it somehow triggers combat when a dwarf gets struck by falling logs as if the woodcutter had attacked the "victim" I've not experienced it in a while thoighI'm pretty sure that's it, because a couple people involved in that scene engaged in a sort of low-key loyalty cascade for years afterwards. The last was a woodcutter (the one who cut the tree down on orders) who did nothing a year before he died but constantly go around annoying people resulting in task cancellation spam "interrupted by a woodcutter." Finally, he did this to an axe lord who just casually beheaded him in one swing and apparently ended the internal dispute.
Dear Dwarves of Violencegate,
That jabberer is minding it's own business, and it's not going to hurt you. Please stop spamming me with job cancellations.
Sincerely,
Your Overseer
Dear Dwarves of Steelflags,It's too big for a barrel, but as long as it's in the food stockpile, dwarven magic will keep it from rotting.
Please, I mean please, just do the food hauling correctly. Why is there 354 ☼giant moose meat roasts☼ just sitting around the prepared food stockpile? Why isn't there an option in this game to tell dwarves to separate stacks into smaller ones?! Toady, fix your game!
-Signed, Magmacube: The Fireblood Spirit
Dear Dwarves of Steelflags,It's too big for a barrel, but as long as it's in the food stockpile, dwarven magic will keep it from rotting.
Please, I mean please, just do the food hauling correctly. Why is there 354 ☼giant moose meat roasts☼ just sitting around the prepared food stockpile? Why isn't there an option in this game to tell dwarves to separate stacks into smaller ones?! Toady, fix your game!
-Signed, Magmacube: The Fireblood Spirit
I get it, I really do. Mining down large areas is hard. That's why I decided that, when I wanted to dig a moat around the fortress, I would carve the area down around the site. I even had the woodcutters clear all the trees beforehand. Please, tell me how you manage to knock yourself unconscious while channeling a floor I haven't had you dig under before.