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[ElenaRoan]

Dear Urists McHungry,

There are over 2000 prepared meals in storage, stop grabbing the berries and plants!  They're for brewing!

- Annoyed

[Darkening Kaos]

Dear Mountainhomes,
Well, what can I say about the last trade caravan you sent for the year 166?  First off, thanks for the opportunity to peruse your entire range of some 500 different coils of rope - I never knew there could be such variety, I had so much difficulty deciding which to buy that the traders left before I could choose, (really, in 16 years, how many coils have I bought? Zero, yes that's right none, what made you think I'd buy one now?)

Also, a really big thank you to the beureaucrat that finally received all of my requests for alcohol, such that three years supply of booze arrived all at once.  Much obliged.

As for the (+<<-llama wool sock->>+) that cost 1447 dorf bucks, I was tempted, but where was its mate?  (And the trader told me it had been marked up by 300 dbs because it was, quite literally, 'one of a kind').

I do hope that the 300+ andesite blocks will find a use somewhere back in the Mountainhome, you'll get another 300+ next year - this mountain is being sent to you piece by piece, although some assembly will be required at your end.

Cheerz and Beerz,
The ever-present force currently residing at Mostod Ishlum (The Shame of Nuts).

[Wrex]

Dear Urist McGloryHound:


There were exactly 500 strands of adamantine swordwire between us and the orchish horde. I Know. I Counted. It is probably the most lethal piece of real estate in the world. I Know. I Checked. Yes, Orcs have Trapavoid. I Know. I Checked. Thats why the web turrets had coated the entire hallway in webbing, with more lethal warpstone powder turrets behind a drawbridge in case they somehow survived. I Know. I Checked. So Wherefore came the desire to engage them with nothing but your skivies and a rusty iron scourge looted from a goblin dominatrix? What's left of your body will be displayed as a warning to others. When I eventually do bury you, it will be in a can.

Signed, your overseer.

[Sus]

Dear Urist McIdiotMiner:
I sent you to dig a simple, straight vertical shaft with a staircase next to it for access.

Now please tell me how you managed to somehow interpret that as "Oh, he wants me to kill myself with a gabbro to the head? Okie then..."

Wait, never mind, you're dead.

Anyhow, thanks to this asshole, nobody's getting any water out of our new well, due to there being a single level of undug floor down there.

-Sus, your (frustrated) overseer.

[omg_scout]

Dear Militia of Passcrafts,

Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?

That made my day.
BTW, I had once an issue where such silver daggered goblin killed 4 of my ironarmoured macelords. Together.

[orius]

Dear Urist McGlutton:

There is no need for you to go to the trade depot, grab a roast off the stack of roasts and take a bite out of it when you're hungry when there's a fuckton of food filling our stockpiles to bursting.  If you want to show your contempt for the elves (and who doesn't?), use your middle finger, that's what it's there for.

Your Overseer.

[Joben]

Dear Tekkud, Legendary Bone Carver,

I have no particular objection to you being a nudist. However as you seem to be upset by this lately I suggest you select some things from the literally thousands of fine articles our clothiers have stockpiled. I have reduced your workload leaving you plenty of time to go shopping. If you're still buck naked it's your own damned fault. No use tantruming about it.

Also stop trying to feed your imaginary cavies. The last of them died years ago.

-----------------------

Dear Kivish, Captain Of The Guard,

I realize losing a leg and having a goblin pound on your head with a maul must have been a traumatic experience. However the proper thing to do about this is not to lie on battlefield surrounded by bodies for days on end, declaring yourself to be "On Break" and refusing rescue. Get to the hospital and get patched up!

I'm not surprised you're friends with Tekkud, you're both nuts.

[Brewster]

Dear Dwarfs,

I wish I had a bolt of lightning to throw at you once a  year.

- Me

[Mura]

Dear Militia of Passcrafts,

Come ON. It was ONE GOBLIN. One goblin with a SILVER DAGGER. The whole army of the proud dwarven city of Passcrafts just got it's shit wrecked by one sneaking greenskin with a BUTTERKNIFE. You had steel armor and weapons! You outnumbered him ten to one! What happened?

That made my day.
BTW, I had once an issue where such silver daggered goblin killed 4 of my ironarmoured macelords. Together.

"Butter-knives" are highly effective weapons, thanks to having one-tenth the stabbing contact area of a sword. They go through armor like... well.

[bukitodinos]

Dear urist mcretardminer

I drained those lakes for a reason, the stone is damp i know,
 BECAUSE THE IS STILL A TINY PUDDLE UP THERE,
you are no going to flood the fort just because you mined a brick, there is nothing there.
Calm down. And stop being a baby

-Bukit
-----------------------------------------

Dear Baron mcIwantaddy

DIE

[GreatWyrmGold]

Re: Miner: Meh, just re-designate it.

Re: Baron: Why did you pick an adamantine-loving baron to begin with? Also, in DF2012, nobles shouldn't give material-based mandates anymore.

[Mishrak]

Dear Urist McAxedorfs,

I'm really sorry I sent three of you to be annihilated by 5 Kobold crossbowmen.  Fortunately I  used a time machine (ctrl+alt+delete) to bring you back to life, but there's no guarantee I won't do it again.

Sincerely,

Your homicidal faithful overlord.

[Langolier]

Dear Urist "Drama Llama"

I'm sorry your pet llama died in the zombie siege. But please stop throwing a tantrum for five seconds, calming down, then throwing another tantrum. Eventually you are going to hurt somebody. So you get to take a dip in Dr. Wondertainment's super cherry kool-aid bath(tm)

Dear Assorted Idiots

If there is a ton of zombies outside the door, why do you see them, and go running off onto the surface directly into their midst?!?!? This actually made me angry. Why, why why? All you had to do was literally take one step back and close the door. Good Gods! There is now an IQ limit if you want to migrate to my fortress

I hate you all. Go kill yourselves
-Sincerely, the overseer

[pisskop]

I hate you all. Go kill yourselves
-Sincerely, the overseer

Duh, thats what they are doing! 

[bukitodinos]

Re: Miner: Meh, just re-designate it.

Re: Baron: Why did you pick an adamantine-loving baron to begin with? Also, in DF2012, nobles shouldn't give material-based mandates anymore.

Yeah but it gets annoying after a while

and i did not know that he liked addy