Bay 12 Games Forum

I'm just tired. Tired of being bogged down by grief and my own lack of capability. I've tried, oh I've tried, so many things to get a job. I've sent my resume to most companies I've heard of and plenty I hadn't, applied for positions across the country, and gotten enough feedback on how to write a resume and cover letter that I could probably write a book on the most common job-seeking advice. Not like any of it matters, I've had all of 1 interview and that was way back in... September? I think? And it just feels so pointless to keep trying when nothing works. It's been seven months since I graduated, four since my best friend died, just under one since my dog died. I just want to... be with them again, and not have to deal with all of this futile garbage any more. But I know I have to keep doing it, because.... if nothing else, she'd want me to at least try to be a success. I'm just sorry that I'm going to end up such a disappointment if/when we eventually meet up on the other side, because grief and other circumstances have slowed down my applications from 'at least 1 a day, bare minimum' to '1 a week maybe' and picking the pace back up is really difficult.

.... and I really didn't mean to write out a fuckin' wall of text, but I guess that's what I needed to get off my chest today. sorry, guys.

Is Rogue One a good Christmas movie?

I've heard it's good, but it's no Die Hard as far as Christmas movies go.

But yeah, Happy Holidays to all you crazy folks. May your homes be warm and your food warmer.

And it's here where I hit a wall. I know the truth that you can still love someone even after it fails, but I don't know the steps after that. How to get over someone. Or, how to get over the feelings of attraction to go back to being friends.

I can help with that. First, give yourself some time away from them. Rejection hurts, and that needs to heal before anything else; I learned that one the hard way. Second, just do what you'd normally do, but try to avoid anything that might seem romantic. Eventually, avoiding romance when around them will just be second nature.

Just make sure they don't die suddenly, because then you'll feel like you've just been lying to yourself for years and collapse into a pile of regret and sadness. But with any luck, you won't have to deal with that.

On a tangentially related note, I sit at home and feel lonely, so I go out and do stuff with church folks, and then all I can think about is depressing shit, so I have to awkwardly pretend that I'm having a good time when it's so obvious that I'm not and I come home drained and depressed and still lonely then just do it all over again a day or two later so I can pretend I have some semblance of a social life when I'm really just worrying a few people sick and annoying the rest. Yaaay.

I can't remember her voice any more. I'm trying, and I can't. I'm losing what little I have left.

edit: found a few old voicemails. I remember now. I'm not sure it was a good idea.

why won't this grief end. I can't sleep, I can't move on, and all I want to do is see her smile again. Just once. Even in a dream.

But I guess that's too much to ask.

And I've been trying to talk to people but it just seems like shitty temporary help, like slapping a bandaid on a shotgun wound. It feels nice for a bit, but doesn't do a whole lot. And I can tell I'm starting to get on their nerves. Everyone's. But this is all my life is right now, and I just... can't move past it.

In other sad news, I'm slowly starting to lose my mind over my deceased friend. You see, she was the only one who ever cared about me when nobody was looking and there was no obligation to do so; over the years, she had every opportunity to tell me to go fuck myself and never come back, but... she never did. She forgave me, over and over and over again, even for some really stupid shit. And now I don't know if that was because she was an outlier, or because I'm not actually a really shitty human being, and normally when I get depressed like this I go talk to her but WAIT, CAN'T DO THAT. And I can't trust anyone else to be honest, because even here there's that expectation that people won't tell you off for being shit because it'll make them look like a douchebag in 'public'.

.... and I guess I feel even shittier because she spent so much time and effort trying to get me to see that I'm maybe not awful but... even now, after all these years, I can't believe it.

so here I am, screaming nonsense at the sky, useless, unemployed, and depressed. ain't life grand.

Quote from: TherosPherae on September 21, 2016, 10:21:39 am

If you weren't informed, there was no way you could've known, and nothing you could've done.
Don't go thinking that you have in some way failed the departed, because that can really tear you apart.

I wasn't just referring to missing the memorial service; I was... suffice to say, something of a dick to this friend, who was nothing but forgiving, then I never really got to make it up to her. But at least now I know: appreciate what you have while you have it, because the world is a cruel, fickle place, and you never know when it'll fuck everything up.

In that vein... thanks, guys.