Bay 12 Games Forum
Finally... => Forum Games and Roleplaying => Topic started by: IronyOwl on January 19, 2013, 05:55:04 pm
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You are a Noble Lord, or at least a Lord. You rule over your people and deal with various issues that they cannot, such as droughts, floods, rogue mages, dragons... and the worst things of all.
Adventurers.
Scourge of the earth, bane of the heavens, and headache of the crowns. No price can satiate their greed, no threats can temper their impudence, and no reason can sway their madness. When you imagine hell, you imagine it's filled with and run by adventurers.
However, your most trusted advisor has absolutely assured you that you have no choice- the kingdom needs their unique and horrifying combination of brazen incompetence and inhumanly skilled greed, else dark times indeed lie ahead.
But you're getting ahead of yourself. To start with, who are you again? What's the general state of your kingdom? Who's your most trusted advisor?
And finally... you're planning on getting your adventurers from jail, where they belong and should stay. However, your advisor has once again assured you that attempting to recruit and, eugh, nurture some less-established professional psychopaths will better aid the kingdom. But, do you happen to recall roughly what you're freeing and why they got locked up in the first place?
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As, yes I forgot myself. I'm Urist!
It's a shame, but our kingdom is full of goblins. Don't know how it happened, they just appeared. Something about a siege.
Our adviser is a shady-looking pale green fellow by the name of Ngosk.
I passed by a strange man in the jail who was wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a dagger and spear. I couldn't understand his gibberish, but our translator could understand the word "Demigod" from him. I think he'd be a great fellow to persuade our goblins out of town!
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You are Lord Manatee, and your kingdom is doing fine, with rather high taxes being countered by the generosity of your events, not to mention the large felines that your kingdom farms. Your most trusted advisor is a shifty fellow named Fallo Dunman, even though you never completely apply his advice. You are freeing a large ex-butcher who landed in there for butchering local pets, and a mage with not many ethics and a grimoire of extremely powerful spells, who was arrested for the torture and murder of animals and one man.
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We are the noble Sir Heckler.
Our kingdom is poor but happy.
Our advisor is Gary Motherfucker Oak
The adventurers are a half demon darkknight, an angel sorceress, a human high-school student from a diffence dimension and a tentacle monster who say it a monk. Crimes were arson, tax dodge and angering the elves but no one thought the last one was a crime.
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I happen to be the noble Vabok the Gnome!
The citizens keep on complaining that they're starving to death, but I'm a citizen, aren't I? I'm doing fine!
My trusted advisor is myself! I talk in a mirror and let my advisor personality advise me.
The scum I have to release are a bunch of weak wizards that enjoy shanking people. They shanked my favorite doll, which is why they're imprisoned.
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As, yes I forgot myself. I'm Urist!
It's a shame, but our kingdom is full of goblins. Don't know how it happened, they just appeared. Something about a siege.
Our adviser is a shady-looking pale green fellow by the name of Ngosk.
I passed by a strange man in the jail who was wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a dagger and spear. I couldn't understand his gibberish, but our translator could understand the word "Demigod" from him. I think he'd be a great fellow to persuade our goblins out of town!
This.
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As, yes I forgot myself. I'm Urist!
It's a shame, but our kingdom is full of goblins. Don't know how it happened, they just appeared. Something about a siege.
Our adviser is a shady-looking pale green fellow by the name of Ngosk.
I passed by a strange man in the jail who was wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a dagger and spear. I couldn't understand his gibberish, but our translator could understand the word "Demigod" from him. I think he'd be a great fellow to persuade our goblins out of town!
This.
This also.
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(http://img825.imageshack.us/img825/9282/lordmanatee.png)
You remember now, you are Lord Manatee the Tall! It's... not a title most humans get, but most humans are lumbering oafs anyway. No offense to your brutish human guards.
(http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/3117/catsor.png)
Your kingdom is a proud one, famous for its industries based on giant cats.
...well they're pretty big to you, shut up!
(http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/1556/goblin.png)
However, it's recently been plagued by a goblin siege! Goblins now roam the land, marauding caravans, molesting travelers, dodging taxes, tipping cows, clogging streets, living in properties, and otherwise being menaces and/or in existence.
Admittedly some of these problems would probably be lesser issues if you weren't such a racist, but that's not going to happen.
(http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/6542/ngog.png)
Ah, there's Ngosk, your most trusted advisor!
You'll rest and take a bit longer to try to recall things about the villains about to be in your "employ," but you think you remember a fair amount about what they are.
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A peculiar man with what he claims to be a magic box that was arrested for trespassing in the royal litter box room
a ugly fellow who was arrested for treason because of evidence that was found by Ngosk's investigators
a wizard who tried to set all his colleagues on fire believing it would increase their intelligence
a thief who was in fact arrested for trying to steal your crown in an overly elaborate plan involving lots of rope
and a wandering swordsman who slaughtered 14.3 people on a drunken rampage the last night.
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Wait, this reminds me of something. What happened to that Mage tower game?
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14.3? That's preposterous! It was three cats, a goat and a sheep.
There was also a beautiful lass. It's a shame she's a black widow and also a Kobold.
There's another who just slams his head against the wall. All day and night. Doesn't ever seem to hurt himself, and he has peculiarly wicked fangs...
Plus one more. A reptile man. We only really locked him up because he was frantically searching for loose piles of freshly shorn animal hair.
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At least can we have Ko the human male high-school student from a different dimension? Lock up for mutable molestation of women(All by accident (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AccidentalPervert))?
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(http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/1807/thethree.png)
Well, here they are. Your... adventurers.
The first one, on the far left, is one Vilus Darkicus. Ngosk assures you that is the given name he gave and not his scientific designation or something. He's apparently half-demon, and was arrested for looking like a goddamn demon. Ngosk assures you that any civil rights violations surrounding this action will be swiftly forgotten.
The next in line is Gloria Brightshine. She's apparently half angel but was arrested for public nudity. She also refused to wear the standard issue peasant rags she was issued, insisting that they were dumb and that there was therefore no reason to wear them. The only way they got her decent for her audience with you was handing her a bunch of your silk napkins, which she apparently then promptly fashioned into what you suppose passes for underwear.
Third is Sirscus Salamandra. He was arrested for numerous charges relating to sanitation, including publicly cooking rats, dead alley cats, grass, unidentified mushrooms, rotten fish, and, your guards suspect, at least one dead hobo. He was also caught swimming in the town well and hiding in various water troughs, and storing some of his "ingredients" in various locations where you probably don't want dead rats and rotten shrooms lying about.
You could have sworn there was supposed to be a fourth, but you either can't remember what they were right now or you're mistaken.
Well, now that you've got them, better start putting them to death. Work, you mean. Work. Yeah...
Ngosk assures you that adventurers are best fed on scraps- neither starved nor coddled. In particular, he suggests that granting them either some very basic starting equipment, or perhaps some sort of challenge or series of trials to earn such, would help them get started.
Other than that, the kingdom has no shortage of problems that need addressing. Obviously, Ngosk advises you start them off small, and preferably swift. He suggests that adventurers are known for their short attention spans, and that more rapid, numerous requests will allow you to gauge their progress and get accustomed to them better.
(http://img818.imageshack.us/img818/7715/annoyedking.png)
You remind him the latter part is the last thing you want to do, but he reminds you it's for the good of the kingdom. *Sigh*...
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Wait, this reminds me of something. What happened to that Mage tower game?
Ah, that just sort of died off.
Also many of these suggestions were hilarious and I regret not being able to implement them all.
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http://thebest404pageever.com/swf/2305.swf
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Well we need to weaponry their Greed right? Then I have the perfect test for them. Give them passable clothing first of all though...
Have them go door to door selling sword polish or some other crap that nobody wants in the capitol. Whomever sells the most will be named squad leader and given starting gear that is slightly less sucky than the rest.
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You could have sworn there was supposed to be a fourth, but you either can't remember what they were right now or you're mistaken.
At least can we have Ko the human male high-school student from a different dimension? Lock up for mutable molestation of women(All by accident (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AccidentalPervert))?
Anyway send them to the training cave(that has some low level monster(rats) and loot(wooden stuff)).
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You could have sworn there was supposed to be a fourth, but you either can't remember what they were right now or you're mistaken.
At least can we have Ko the human male high-school student from a different dimension? Lock up for mutable molestation of women(All by accident (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AccidentalPervert))?
I have now officially formulated an idea based* on this. You have until the next update to distract me with something better or Things Happen.
*In the same sense as movies based on things
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You could have sworn there was supposed to be a fourth, but you either can't remember what they were right now or you're mistaken.
At least can we have Ko the human male high-school student from a different dimension? Lock up for mutable molestation of women(All by accident (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AccidentalPervert))?
Anyway send them to the training cave(that has some low level monster(rats) and loot(wooden stuff)).
This, but arm them with only a herring!
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You could have sworn there was supposed to be a fourth, but you either can't remember what they were right now or you're mistaken.
At least can we have Ko the human male high-school student from a different dimension? Lock up for mutable molestation of women(All by accident (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AccidentalPervert))?
Anyway send them to the training cave(that has some low level monster(rats) and loot(wooden stuff)).
This, but arm them with only a herring!
Halibut. Herring is for chopping down trees.
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You could have sworn there was supposed to be a fourth, but you either can't remember what they were right now or you're mistaken.
At least can we have Ko the human male high-school student from a different dimension? Lock up for mutable molestation of women(All by accident (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AccidentalPervert))?
Anyway send them to the training cave(that has some low level monster(rats) and loot(wooden stuff)).
This, but arm them with only a herring!
Halibut. Herring is for chopping down trees.
(http://img829.imageshack.us/img829/8447/kinghap.png)
You inform the adventurers that they are to be sent to the Cave of Training, a place filled with low level monsters and wooden loot. Ngosk politely reminds you that no such place exists. You politely remind Ngosk that that's code for having him shove a bunch of rats and wooden helmets into a cave somewhere.
They're also to be armed with noble halibuts, the venerated symbol of your house, and not the herrings of those hicks.
Speaking of which, they've finally brought in the last-
(http://img850.imageshack.us/img850/2166/ravishrance.png)
...why is he wearing guard armor? And not chained up? And leering at one of your other guards?
Ngosk explains that he apparently seduced and/or overpowered one of your female guards, then some things happened, then she tried to help him escape. Actually, he did escape, but then came back when he found out there were other female guards besides that one.
...anyway he has to go stock the Cave of Training; adventurers move notoriously fast when they're not distracted by shiny objects. He'll have the guard captain distract them for a bit with some tutorial bullshit ostensibly to make sure they're not high or don't know which end of a sword to grab, but then you should take up a bit of their time talking to them. Maybe ask them some questions, give them some advice, that sort of thing.
Basically mingle and make friends with some of the most wretched creatures in existence. Remember, it's for the kingdom.
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Build rapport with Sirscus Salamandra and antagonize the rest by appointing him 'group chef' and loudly discussing the cuisine that he will make for the group.
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Prepare a speech about how they must save the kingdom or some nonsense like that. If they ask you anything, respond with the phrase "I'm not entirely sure." Also tell them about the legendary treasures strewn about the kingdom's caves and such, that will keep them busy, and they won't catch on to the fact that there are no legendary treasures.
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Prepare some insane puzzles to "test their minds" to choose a leader. Also get work started on the next couple "quests".
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Interested on how this will turn out.
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Build rapport with Sirscus Salamandra and antagonize the rest by appointing him 'group chef' and loudly discussing the cuisine that he will make for the group.
(http://img690.imageshack.us/img690/2903/happyskink.png)
You go on at length about how Sirscus is their official party chef, and about how he'll surely be making all sorts of delicious meals. Like roasted rat on a stick, possibly poisonous mushroom soup, blood and vegetable pie, braised bandit brain souffle, and crimes against man and gods gumbo.
It disturbs you that he doesn't appear to lose his enthusiasm or make any semblance of objections to any of this. The rest of the party looks slightly incredulous and worried, but not quite as much as you'd hope from insinuating that they're going to be cracking open a bandit's skull and feasting upon the goo within.
Prepare a speech about how they must save the kingdom or some nonsense like that. If they ask you anything, respond with the phrase "I'm not entirely sure." Also tell them about the legendary treasures strewn about the kingdom's caves and such, that will keep them busy, and they won't catch on to the fact that there are no legendary treasures.
Prepare a speech? They're standing right there, you don't have time to prepare a full speech!
Also you're not sure how that last part is supposed to work. Vaguely assure them there's legendary treasures everywhere -> they look for them but never catch on to the fact that there aren't any?
They're stupid and insane, but you don't think they're that conveniently stupid and insane.
Prepare some insane puzzles to "test their minds" to choose a leader. Also get work started on the next couple "quests".
Being sane yourself, this would be difficult. Also Ngosk is already doing something.
Plus, they're once again right here. You can hardly begin ordering Ngosk to begin working on phony starter quests with them right in front of you.
(http://img716.imageshack.us/img716/9540/demonclose.png)
Vilus speaks up. You repress your sudden rage and desire to have him put to death for daring to speak to you.
Instead, you listen to his insidious speech, from which you gather that he wants to know if there's any demonic portals, necromancer's towers, or other "cool shit" he could get a mount or sword or something from.
Gloria then asks if there's any wizard's towers or other "spell depots" around.
Sirscus asks if you've heard rumors of any legendary chefs he could visit.
(http://img198.imageshack.us/img198/1458/kingnotamused.png)
The last one asks if you've got a hot daughter, or if there's maybe any female warriors' guilds or something.
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Suggest that Gloria punish the last guy as she sees appropriate.
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Suggest Orderr that Gloria punish the last guy as she sees appropriate.
Fixed that for you.
Also give them permission/order them to raid some stores in the poor goblin slums while you wait for your adviser to get the dungeon ready. Perhaps they can pick up the blades/mounts/magic they want at the local greenskin's expense.