Post by: lawastooshort on February 16, 2012, 12:03:49 pm
THE MAGNIFICENT TIMELORD: BOWIENAUTS OF FREEDOM
(http://img.ie/tgzn0.png)
Earth! 1963. A very different place to the world we know today.
Between the three great powers of evil stand naught but tiny pockets of resistance, all of whom look up to the one remaining bastion of light and goodness: the Belgian States of America, and their fearless leader Monsieur Kennedy!
(http://tnypic.net/67c2a.png)
In his orbital space pod, the Magnificent Timelord Bowie stands towering before the four of you. He has braved many dangers, and risked disrupting the continuums of many Histories to bring you together! He has travelled through time and sped through space to form a fearsome band of the best the many different humanities have had to offer. He is dressed entirely in sequins!
(http://tnypic.net/6a805.jpg)
It is your destiny to bring down the Unholy Triangle of Evil and free a world of pain so intense it is bleeding into different Histories, spreading despair on an interdimensional scale and breeding evil and angst throughout a hundred different galaxies.
It is your destiny to defeat ROBOSTALIN, dinoHITLER, and Chairman Miaow, the most awful genocidal dictators known across a million timelines!
It is your destiny… to SAVE FREEDOM!
Will you accept?
There will be four players and no “first come first served” system – I’ll give it twenty four hours (or more – I have a very busy next few days) and see which historical figures seem best. Seems fairer.
Character sheets:
Name: (must be a famous character from history – I’m flexible with that, mind)
Inventory: (you can bring one item with you)
Bio: (you can describe why David Bowie picked you to save FREEDOM if you want; you can also suggest what your character’s strengths might be: this might help me write up the character sheet and might help you add a personal touch otherwise lacking in a historical figure. It might also help me decide who to pick, but I’ll be trying to get a good party blend for better teamwork)
I’ll use the Modified Gatleos Western Standardised Wound System* until further notice, with a d6 vs d6 system for combat with the difference indicating the severity of the wound, and a randomised (if not player specified, which won’t always work anyway) area of the body hit. There’ll be a simple d6 rtd roll for everything else. Characters will get a power or strength and a weakness to start with, and will be able to level up after missions. You’ll get to pick from a choice of level ups.
Spoiler: *The Modified GWSWS (click to show/hide)
Note: Special powers, and particularly cooldowns, are subject to change (i.e. balancing) whilst we get going, and please bold your actions!
Post by: lawastooshort on February 16, 2012, 12:04:28 pm
(http://s23.postimg.org/mnp1lmmez/Fighting_Dino_Hitler.png)
Players:
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: freeform's depiction of Davy Crockett (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: an alternative universe's depiction of Davy Crockett (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
The Replacements:
Aleister Crowley, The Wickedest Man in the World (Solifuge)
Leonidas, King of Sparta (monk12)
Nikola Tesla, Visionary Scientist (FuzzyZergling)
Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (empfan)
Erwin Schrödinger, Master of Cats (Tiruin)
Theodore Roosevelt, Heavyweight President (dermonster)
Simo Häyhä (Phantom of the Library)
Tba (Geen)
William Shatner (Spinal_Taper)
Otto I the Great (USEC_OFFICER)
Stephen Hawking (Chink)
Elvis Presley (Greenstarfanatic)
Tupac Shakur (TCM)
Spoiler: Storage (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on February 16, 2012, 12:06:03 pm
Inventory: Acoustic guitar
Bio: It was a rainy summer evening in 1963. Paul, Lennon and the rest of the group had just finished a performance of their hit single "A Hard Day's Night" at a local club when they were approached in a dark alley by ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS. The group fought furiously with their concert-hardened instruments, but Lennon told McCartney to "save himself" in between puffing smoke and kicking nazi-bot posterior. Since that fateful day, Paul McCartney had not seen the other Beatles.
Many days and a couple hit singles later, he received a note in his trash can telling him to meet an unspecified person at a specific place and specific time. Unknown to him, the note was a wibbly-wobbly timey wimey note, sent from both the future and the past. Paul made haste, expecting the secret return of the Beatles. Instead he found himself meeting up with none other than Timelord Bowie.
Strengths: Excellent love song writer.
Weaknesses: Mad hankerin' for some cannibis
I wanted to work his strengths into his bio but I got a little carried away with the "history" part of the bio.
Post by: kisame12794 on February 16, 2012, 12:11:44 pm
Hell yes.
HELL FUCKING YES.
Post by: Dermonster on February 16, 2012, 12:13:27 pm
Inventory: Fists. Fists and unending hatred of all things Unamerican.
Bio: Just read the entirety of this. (http://www.cracked.com/article_15895_the-5-most-badass-presidents-all-time_p5.html)
Why was he picked? Dude shrugged off a bullet in the middle of a speech like it ain't no thing. Also he was an American president. Got the national stuffed animal of choice named after him.
I'm not quite sure how you can find someone more qualified.
Post by: FuzzyZergling on February 16, 2012, 12:30:07 pm
Inventory: 1 TeslaTM Coil
Bio: Tesla, as the inventor of things such as the electrical generator, FM radio, remote control, robots, spark plugs, fluorescent lights, and of course the TeslaTM Coil, was hand-picked by David Bowie himself to save FREEDOM.
Because everyone knows that EVIL is vulnerable to lightning.
((I considered Kung-Fu Jesus, but Mad Scientist Tesla won out.))
Post by: monk12 on February 16, 2012, 12:38:55 pm
Inventory: Bronze Shield
Bio: King of Sparta, Leonidas is famous for his last stand at Thermopylae, where through superior martial skill and situational tactics a tiny force off Spartans and allied Greeks held of many times their number in Persians. History says that Leonidas and the 300 Spartans were killed to the last man- but history is wrong. At the final moment, Leonidas was swept into the future by Timelord Bowie to fight a far greater threat to freedom and independence than the Persian Empire ever was...
Strengths: Natural Leader, Diehard
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 16, 2012, 01:00:23 pm
Inventory: a remarkably good aproximation of Pi
Bio: Archimedes, famous greek thinker, had managed to hold back the Romans for almost 2 years. Sadly, even gigantic sunrays of dead couldn't hold back the Romans, especially went it's cloudy. So the romans broke through, entering his house, ordered to take him captive. Timelord Bowie safed him, but he's still mad because he walked through the circles he was drawing on the floor.
Strengths: High master Mathemagician, awesome inventor.
Weaknesses: Absentminded
Post by: Toaster on February 16, 2012, 02:28:39 pm
Inventory: Bowie Knife
Bio: Davy Crockett is an outdoorsman extraordinaire, with skills in hunting, tracking, rifle, knife fighting, and a side order of political savvy. Disgusted with politics following his defeat in 1834, he went back to his true love of the frontier and went to Texas with a band of able-bodied men. He found himself at the Battle of the Alamo with his good friend (and namesake of his new leader) James Bowie, who presented him with his treasured knife. During the final day of the battle, he personally killed 25 soldiers with 22 rifle shots. After running out of ammo, he then slew thirty more with his knife, before being purportedly killed. In truth, he was whisked away by David Bowie to be the scout for this expedition against a far deadlier foe than Santa Anna- the Unholy Triangle of Evil.
Post by: Tiruin on February 16, 2012, 06:06:51 pm
GAH!
...
Waitlist.
Post by: BullDog on February 16, 2012, 06:27:18 pm
Post by: Talarion on February 16, 2012, 06:51:00 pm
Inventory: Khaki Shorts (Can't go Croc Huntin' without yer Khaki Shorts, mate)
Bio: Steve Irwin is the famed Crocodile Hunter. Trained from a young age to handle reptiles and other wildlife, he quickly became famous through his TV show, The Crocodile Hunter. With Praise from even David Attenborough, he was famous worldwide, setting the stereotype for Australians... Crikey, Mate! In 2006, he was reportedly killed, by a Stingray barb to the chest. He didn't actually die from this, because David Bowie saved him to fight the Unholy Triangle of Evil... Why? Because he is possibly the only one capable... of wrestling dinoHITLER into submission!!
Strengths: Crocodile Hunter!
Weaknesses: Stingrays.
Post by: monk12 on February 16, 2012, 09:14:51 pm
Post by: empfan on February 16, 2012, 10:00:56 pm
Inventory: Philosopher's Stone
Bio: He was chosen in his last few days before the event that was supposed to kill him, he was picked up by an oddly dressed man. Once he heard what the future would hold for his communist grandkids, he had to take a stand against Robostalin and the rest. Standing next to his fellow comanions, he will use all his abilities to destroy them, and his trusty philosopher stone he managed to create.
Post by: Solifuge on February 16, 2012, 10:08:42 pm
But seriously, this could be highly entertaining. I am following the hell out of this.
Post by: Toaster on February 16, 2012, 10:09:24 pm
Oooh, Davy Crockett's a good one. Wish I'd thought of it.
His connection to Bowie is just an added bonus.
There are too many awesome characters here. Timelord Bowie must employ them all!
But seriously, this could be highly entertaining. I am following the hell out of this.
Get in, then! You should play Mafia too.
Post by: Tiruin on February 16, 2012, 10:11:31 pm
But it will arrive in...six hours or so from this post? Hope the timelimit would agree.
Post by: Dermonster on February 16, 2012, 10:13:16 pm
Post by: Solifuge on February 16, 2012, 10:15:07 pm
There are too many awesome characters here. Timelord Bowie must employ them all!
Get in, then! You should play Mafia too.
Nah, I can't. I'd feel bad taking one of the 4 coveted spots using one of my many Amazing Character IdeasTM, especially when I don't know if I'll have the time for it. Definitely watching though!
EDIT: Okay... against my better judgement, I submit the following for the approval of Mr.
Aleister Crowley
Among the world's most well-known occultists, Aleister Crowley was an English aristocrat by birth, an occultist by trade, a traveller of the world, and even a part-time spy. In addition to his hermetic knowledge of astral projection, communing with spirits, and other occult practices, Crowley lived a pretty liberal lifestyle for the era; dabbling in things ranging from meditation to mind-altering substances, he was renowned as "The Wickedest Man in the World" back in his day.
Inventory:
The Book of Law - A tome of occult practices, supposedly dictated to him by some Egyptian gods and other divine spirits. Inside are the rituals which enable him to astrally project, evoke and banish spirits, use divination to answer questions, and other occult mumbo-jumbo.
Bio:
While trying to commune with his Guardian Angel, Crowley instead found that David Bowie had manifested in his sanctum. Thinking the androgynous, be-sequined Timelord a manifestation of some divine spirit he agreed to join his cause, pledging his mastery of all things occult to stopping the Unholy Triangle of Evil.
Pros: Charismatic world-traveling spy, and master of magick!
Cons: Egotistical, and probably nutters.
Post by: Tiruin on February 17, 2012, 06:14:27 am
I made mine in half a minute!I'm not that historically savvy, unlike certain powers in this world. :P
Great, now have to think out of the box to get someone important.
Wait...
Spoiler: Historical Sheet! (click to show/hide)
((Considered putting some weapon based on Quantum Physics...but books always win.))
Post by: lawastooshort on February 17, 2012, 09:02:05 am
It's going to be hard work deciding, so hundreds of apologies in advance to anyone who gets waitlisted.
Edit:
Right. I am busy applying the dinoHITLER facepunch test.
Second edit:
Right, I'm sorry, I don't have time to finish today - I had hoped to PM a choice of starting abilities to the starting four. I'll try to get this done tomorrow.
Third edit:
Right, that's the starting four. I'll post the waitlist and the first turn when I can.
Last edit:
Note: Special powers, and particularly cooldowns, are subject to change (i.e. balancing) whilst we get going, and please bold your actions!
Post by: lawastooshort on February 18, 2012, 05:59:36 pm
PRELUDE
“Hey man,” begins the Magnificent Timelord Bowie. “Your first task will be the easiest of the three: a surgical strike on the very headquarters of Chairman Miaow himself. There’s no point messing about with stealth on this one – you’re gonna be going straight in and straight out, and speed will be of the essence. If you take too long on this, you’re gonna get surrounded by his fanatical and numerous underlings.”
“Now, I know some of you might be feeling a little freaky after the temporal disruption that brought you here – that’s perfectly normal, man. You might feel a bit weak for a while, but your freedom-loving special gifts should come back to you as you get used to the time and space manipulations.”
“Right. Are you ready? In five minutes the bowiecopter is gonna start revving its engines, and you four have gotta be on it. You’re going to be dropped on the top of the Communist HQ after a brief rocket strafing, and then you’ll have about fifteen minutes to fight your way through to Chairman Miaow’s lair and get back to the LZ for extraction. Our scientists figure that’s about all the time you’ll get before the area gets swarmed by Revolutionary Guard. So: get in, get out, and stay cool, man.” The Timelord crocks his head and pauses to think for a second. “Men.”
“Remember – you’re fighting for freedom. Not just here, but across hundreds of separate times and worlds. Your actions will, like, echo though eternities and stuff. Pretty freaky if you think about it.”
“OK – last thing. You’ve all been equipped with a groovy neural implant kind of thing. Don’t worry! It’s perfectly safe. You can activate it with thought, and it will display certain information overlaid directly onto your left retina. That’s why I like eyepatches. Anyway – you can refer to it when you need to, but for now, all you need to know is that this guy,” and here Bowie activates a holoprojector with a deft flick of the wrist, “is the bad guy:”
(http://tnypic.net/95a44.jpg)
”Take him down.”
TURN ZERO
As the bowiecopter speeds low across the war ravaged Chinese countryside, Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle, is cradling his guitar gently in his hands silently mouthing some loving lyrics when suddenly a second craft blasts past them at supersonic speed. Seconds later they hear the muffled explosions of rockets impacting the ground, distant mewlings of terror, chunks of earth thudding back down towards the ground. As Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter, stands beside him pointing out the impact points, the wide-eyed Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier, dangles his legs out the open side as the bowiecopter flies in towards the target: the Communist HQ lies ahead!
(http://tnypic.net/90a84.jpg)
The technologically advanced craft carrying the four bowienauts banks round the target as it reduces speed and prepares for the drop-off.
It descends to a hovering point above the LZ!
Below, the top of the vast pyramid that forms the entrance to the Chinese Communist HQ seems to rise to meet them. Barely a dozen metres away stands what must be the richly decorated entrance, flanked by two large poles. On the north east edge of the small plateau a handful of guards rush out of a strongpoint about fifty metres away from the hovering intruders, clearly taken by surprise. The bowiecopter’s armament barks out a burst of ammo as it whirs into life and the guards are cut down in a flash of blood and fur. Two more are visible taking cover in the doorway, one see his comrades disappear in a blur and runs straight back inside the bunker.
The pilot’s voice breaks over the light buzz of static on comms.
“GO GO GO! Lima Zulu is HOT, we gotta get outta here! You got fifteen minutes guys!”
The co-pilot leans over his shoulder to shout at Archimedes of Syracuse over the roaring din. He points to his own purple outfit and then points back at the Greek.
”Hey that means you too dude! Nice robes, man. I should know.”
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on February 18, 2012, 06:50:53 pm
Paul McCartney bursts out of the technologically advanced helicopter, spinning his guitar around his head. He waits for his companions to follow suit then aims the instrument at the last remaining MEOW MINION and shoots! While the minion is experiencing conflicting emotions, he runs through the fancy doors.
Post by: monk12 on February 18, 2012, 09:50:03 pm
That is amazing.
Post by: Toaster on February 18, 2012, 10:46:31 pm
Charge the guard and stab him, and find a firearm somewhere, preferably a rifle.
Post by: Tiruin on February 18, 2012, 10:47:46 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 19, 2012, 03:55:58 am
Multiply this, also take cover
Post by: Talarion on February 19, 2012, 04:21:06 am
Scout out the doorway to the Chinese HQ.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 19, 2012, 09:26:50 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN ONE
"Now, what we have here,” crackles a voice over the neural implant communications net, “Are common or garden Chinese Communists, very dangerous if treated incorrectly... Oh, crikey mate! You know, I'm not sure I'm right – I think these might be one of the lesser spotted Chinese Communist Cattybaras – I've been trying to get my hands on one of these for years! Strewth! Are you filming this, guys? This fella's enormous!"
(http://tnypic.net/37154.png)
Paul McCartney bursts out of the technologically advanced helicopter, spinning his guitar around his head. He waits for his companions to follow suit then aims the instrument at the last remaining MEOW MINION and shoots! While the minion is experiencing conflicting emotions, he runs through the fancy doors.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Go, boys!” shouts McCartney, jumping out of the bowiecopter and dramatically swinging his trusty guitar around in the air above his head. “See how they run like pigs from a gun! Hmm – perhaps I should note that one down. Hang on!"
As his three squad mates follow out of the chopper, Paul scribbles down a hurried note in his songbook before raising his guitar to his shoulder, lining it up towards the last cattybara cowering in the Communist HQ entrance, and strumming a blast of pure peace and love!
... It's an amazingly moving chord sequence! The guard's eyes mist over! Paul rushes over to the doorway following Davy Crockett.
Archimedes hurriedly finishes the calculations he was drawing on the floor of the helicopter. Whitout saying a word, he jumps out of the helicopter; for those who do not understand the full scope of Mathemagics do not deserve his respect. After that he takes cover, because bullets tend to be rather disrespectfull to mathematics .
Multiply this, also take cover
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
... Not one for robe-based small talk, Archimedes finishes his calculations and jumps out of the bowiecopter behind his new-found comrades. He shouts out several sets of figures and mentions something about “roughly 62 degrees, chaps!” before looking round to see where he can take cover.
... Totally baffled and beginning to get very distracted by the fascinating construction on which he finds himself, Archimedes stays rooted to the spot in the middle of the LZ!
Charge the guard and stab him, and find a firearm somewhere, preferably a rifle.
"I killed a BEAR when I was three,” shouts Davy Crockett at the whimpering Communist in the doorway, “With my bare hands! You don't stand a chance!"
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
... The King of the Wild Frontier stabs the communist cattybara in the lower body! He collapses to the floor, bleeding and weeping heavily, entirely incapacitated. ... As Crockett moves to stack up by the doorway, he crouches to the dying minion and snatches up his flintlock rifle, and rummages about in the communist's communist bandoliers to supply himself with a fair quantity of ammo.
Weapon Acquired! Flintlock rifle!
"Crikey! Those are some blooming good guns ya have there, mate!" Steve said as he hopped out of the chopper. Waiting until Davy Crockett charged the guard that was left, Irwin darted towards the door to the bunker. "Now, what we have here are Chinese Communists, very dangerous if treated incorrectly..." He commented, seemingly to himself. A habit from all those wildlife shows, he guessed.
Scout out the doorway to the Chinese HQ.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
With his comrades dealing with the remaining guard and stacking up by the door ready for entry, Steve Irwin stops his commentary and rushes to the door, ready to sneak through. ... The door seems to jam! It feels a bit as if someone is holding on to the handle on the other side!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
The Power of Gentle Loving! The cattybara has been reduced to tears!
Multiply this! Team has one more turn of +1 attack bonus.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on February 19, 2012, 09:36:51 am
Post by: Phantom of The Library on February 19, 2012, 09:52:58 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 19, 2012, 10:15:49 am
That was a wonderful piece you brought there. Though if I were you, I would add another sinusoide. Like this:( All said in fluent ancient greek)
He takes the stunned guard, binds him with some rope procured from thin air( but probably from his pockets), then folds him into the general shape of sinusoïde.
Bind the guard
((Fun fact: Ancient Greeks considered music to be a part of mathematics))
Edit: Changed action because general pointlessines
Post by: freeformschooler on February 19, 2012, 10:19:50 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 19, 2012, 10:32:46 am
10e10, we're not inside the building yet ::)But we'll probably be next turn.
Post by: empfan on February 19, 2012, 03:06:27 pm
Spoiler: Robostalin (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on February 19, 2012, 04:33:17 pm
Apply my MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT to the door.
Post by: Talarion on February 20, 2012, 01:52:48 am
Post by: lawastooshort on February 20, 2012, 05:23:23 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWO
Archimedesranstrode ( it's kinda hard to run with a χιτών and anyway, there's no need for that) towards Paul McCartney.
That was a wonderful piece you brought there. Though, if I were you, I would add another sinusoide. Like this:( All said in fluent ancient greek) He takes the stunned guard, binds him with some rope procured from thin air( but probably from his pockets), then folds him into the general shape of sinusoïde.
Search outside.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Striding in his typical dignified manner towards his comrade McCartney, Archimedes does his best to express his admiration for the charming man’s amazing talent, clapping him manfully on the back before bending down to pick up the dying cattybara guardsman.
“Hey - that was a wonderful piece you brought there,” he says, in ancient Greek, to the baffled Beatle. ”Though, if I were you, I would add another sinusoid. Like this.”
... Archimedes folds the cattybara into the shape of some kind of groovy wave! He feels the fantastic interactive mathematical demonstration fill him with a rare kind of power: he feels his mathemagical abilities recharged! He tosses his educational aid aside, leaving opening the door to the other three grown men before searching about on the ground outside.
Archimedes of Syracuse finds a communist submachine gun and three clips of ammo scattered about the bullet-ridden corpses!
Weapon Acquired! PPSh-41 submachine gun; three clips.
Paul McCartney motioned the others to help him force the door. He kicked it once! He kicked it twice! He kicked it thrice, even though no one says "thrice" anymore!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh, blast! Jammed! Mmm... gonna try with a little help from my friends. Hey. Whoa. Who knew freedom fighting could be so inspirational man? Nah, it’s perhaps not the time to note it do- hey, what’s up Archimedes?”
... After staring with no little bemusement at his robed friend, Paul gives the fortress door a good hard kick. Nothing! He gives it another good hard kick. Nothing! Hmm, ok la’, he thinks to himself, I need to give it one really good whack, or I really will have to get a little help… He gives it one last really good whack! It makes a slight creaky sound. Damn.
Apply my MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT to the door.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Bah, indoor action. Let's hope there are some courtyards in there."
Not seeming too pleased about the prospect of heading deep underground and perhaps not even entirely understanding the concept, Davy Crockett takes one look at the door so stubbornly resisting his bowlcut-headed comrade, walks up, and gives it a deafening kick with his trusty leather boot.
... Crockett manfully bites his lower lip and refuses to give in to the pain! He doesn’t say a word!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Fractured Right Foot!
Try to force the door. Surely a Croc is harder than a Kit?
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Crikey mate,” interrupts Steve Irwin, ”You need to be careful with this particular species of door, you know? Now, I’ve been opening doors since I was nine. It’s a gift.”
... The Crocodile Hunter walks up to the door once Crockett hops away, sizes it up, and barges it with his shoulder. He bursts right through!
Inside, there appears to be one large main corridor heading straight forward to a T junction about ten metres away, with a kind of door on the left two metres ahead, and another strange kind of door on the right about five or six metres ahead. Suddenly the right hand door flaps open, and three communist guard cattybaras leap through! One points at the intruders, and they ready themselves for action, swinging up their weapons but seemingly unwilling to advance towards the fearsome foursome.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on February 20, 2012, 05:41:37 am
Noticing the hesitation of the meow minions, Paul McCartney attempted to recruit them to his cause!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 20, 2012, 05:44:38 am
Use the communists machine guns to liberally apply bullets to the guard capyabara's. Use mathematical powers to make sure the bullets are divided equally and to multiply the force utilised by the others
Post by: Toaster on February 20, 2012, 12:33:25 pm
Take aim and fire! Blast the non-recruited commies with the rifle!
Post by: Talarion on February 21, 2012, 12:17:46 am
"Now, ya have to be careful with these fella's, they get real fiesty when directly attacked!" Steve said, voice slightly raised as he moved towards the cattybara.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 21, 2012, 08:58:45 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN THREE
Noticing the hesitation of the meow minions, Paul McCartney attempted to recruit them to his cause!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"WAIT, man!” shouts McCartney, as Archimedes bursts into the corridor with his new gun. “Looks like many more of our friends live next door! Here pussy pussy!” he calls out to the cattybaras, “I’ve got, like, some tuna or something guys! In non-communist Britain, there is as much tuna as you could possibly want, and it’s all like multicoloured! None of this boring grey and monotonous red communist stuff! Hey – “ he says, as he brings his guitar up and fingers a chord, “Listen to this, fellas.”
If you read the news today, oh boy
You’d hear about the fish in Eng-er-land
I know the news would make you sad
To hear all about the fish
I know it’s your favourite dish
But your chairman eats it all-ll-ll-ll-ll
... Suddenly the three cattybaras look at each other quizzically: they shrug their shoulders and lower their guns! Why should only Chairman Miaow have an abundance of fish? As Archimedes takes his finger off the trigger, the three erstwhile commie cats run towards their liberal saviours, tears of joy streaming down their smiling faces and thoughts of plentiful fish running through their minds.
(http://tnypic.net/09a57.png)(http://tnypic.net/09a57.png)(http://tnypic.net/09a57.png)
But then!
The first two cats get to the midway point between the right door and the left door; there is a sudden flash of steel, a sudden pa-shing of noise, a sudden wincing upon the faces of the bowienauts!
A dozen sharp blades shoot out the sides of the wall! The first two cats are skewered! Their bodies drop to the floor!
Spoiler: Diagram of the Trap (click to show/hide)
(http://tnypic.net/cc0c1.png)
The third cattybara is shocked into remembering his communist duty – he foregoes all hope of fish and raises his sights to his eye once more. He aims down the barrel! He’s about to shoot down the evil capitalist with his decadent music!
Archimedes enters the corridor. He aimed the machine gun( he had been given a crash course in modern tech before the mission). Make sure he didn't forget anything( Open end aimed away from yourself, safety off, gun loaded) and fired. At last, that would be what he would do if his fellow mathemacian Paul McCartney wasn't succesfull.
Use the communists machine guns to liberally apply bullets to the guard capyabara's. Use mathematical powers to make sure the bullets are divided equally and to multiply the force utilised by the others
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
... Seeing the three would-be liberal cattybaras abruptly change their minds, Archimedes quickly works out the likelihood of Paul getting shot, and realises he has to act! He shouts some basic – for him, anyway – calculations to his comrades and then mutters something about end + enemy = end + hole. He glances down to check the Russian style submachine gun. The end with the hole is in the right place! He sets his feet and pulls the trigger.
... Robes rippling dramatically in the passing wind, Archimedes of Syracuse fires on full auto from the hip! A burst hits the communist cattybara in the upper body! A burst hits him in the legs! A burst shoots off his right arm! The cat-like monstrosity throws his furry claws into the air as a burst riddles his face and tears the tendons in his communist skull! Archimedes keeps pulling the trigger, bullets spraying into the ceiling until finally he clicks and clicks on the empty magazine and the bullets cease and the echoing explosions stop.
The cattybara drops to the floor, blood everywhere. The bullets seem to be divided perfectly equally between the cattybara corpse and the ceiling! The noise seems to be divided perfectly between deafening and thunderous!
As the avalanche of noise subsides Steve taps Archimedes on the shoulder.
“Hey, be careful with that thing mate. Twentieth century fully automatic gunfire is the closest approximation we humans can make to the mating call of the notorious red croc when it's in heat, and those things are literally all over China, mate. See, if we get just one of those things come down on us thinking we're a female red, well, we're gonna be in a who- OH CRIKEY MATE! What was I just saying! Hey guys, are you filming this? Jesus! What a stroke of luck! We could be searching for one of these in the wilderness for DAYS without finding one, this is really a privilege to be able to witness such a fi- OH SHIT! Uh, you guys better get back a little bit there, two red crocs at once, now, that's a dangerous thing. That could turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. I'm gonna need a stick.”
Attracted by Archimedes' accurate approximation of the mating call of the notorious female Chinese Red, two male communist crocodiles start wading out the door over the corpses of the cattybara guards!
“Hey, what you doing Davy?" shouts Stevo. "Oh, Davy man, that's an endangered species right there mate!”
Crockett mutters to himself "Blasted door must be solid oak. I loosened it up for that Australian fellow."
Take aim and fire! Blast the non-recruited commies with the rifle!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Watching the furious Archimedes gun down the remaining cattybara in a flash of gunfire and blood, Davy Crockett listens with astonishment as Steve admonishes the Greek philosopher with some serious apex predator information and prepares to move on into the depths of the communist fortress when he's interrupted by the Australian's excited and passionate cries.
He sees the two fearsome predators lumber towards the bowienauts, lust, hatred and Marxism burning fiercely in their eyes!
Davy Crockett drops to one knee!
He takes aim at the left hand croc!
“Hey, what you doing Davy?” comes an Australian voice beside him, “Oh, Davy man, that's an endangered yet incredibly dangerous species right there mate!”
Davy Crockett pulls the trigger!
... The red croc's head is blown clean off!
It... it seems to fly off in an arc!
The second red croc waddles steadily on as his comrade's blood sprays the walls!
(http://tnypic.net/15c06.png)
Steve leaps to the closestcattybaraenemy once his allies are done with their ranged barrage of attacks, and attempts to wrestle it into submission.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Oh, crikey mate," says Steve, seeing one of his beloved reptiles shot down. "Oh well, it was him or us I guess. Now let's deal with this sucker. Y'know, ya have to be careful with these fellas," the croc hunter concludes, voice slightly raised as he moves towards the commie fiend, "They get real fiesty when directly attacked!"
Pulling directly from his vast store of reptilian knowledge and remembering that the commie crocodile has, in its natural habitat at least, a profound weakness for all things on the left, Steve Irwin drops to a crouch and maneuvers his way past his liberal comrades. He advances to the left hand side of the croc! The Chinese red crocodile seems to ignore his presence!
Stevo sneaks further up on the deadly maoist reptile and jumps him from behind! He grabs him in an arm lock, gripping the jaws tight between his elbow and his body, gently whispering threatening capitalist economic policies in his ear!
... The red croc starts to panic, thrashing about as it begins to resist, desperately trying to picture Chairman Miaow to shore up his mental fortitude, and managing to roll over Steve and start getting the upper hand – but then BOSH! Irwin leaps up and elbow drops the reptile in the face!
Grabbing him by the scruff of the neck, the fearless crocodile hunter mutters a few last words about the futility of five year plans before finishing off his pro-capitalist tirade.
"You're mine now mate... You so much as misbehave I'm gonna damn well make a pair of boots outta ya even if it goes against all my dearest principles of preservation and education..."
Ally acquired! Steve Irwin has acquired a Turned Chinese Red Crocodile!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Multiply this! Team has one more turn of +1 attack bonus.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on February 21, 2012, 09:38:22 am
Attach the croc head to the end of the rifle. Go down the hall, using the croc head rifle trigger stick to trigger traps in front of me.
Post by: freeformschooler on February 21, 2012, 10:23:19 am
"While back, I never needed anybody's help in any way. But now those days are gone I'm not so self assured!" Paul McCartney hesitantly beckoned the rest of the team to carefully follow behind Davy Crockett.
Post by: Toaster on February 21, 2012, 11:25:23 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 21, 2012, 01:36:31 pm
Calculate survival chances when opening the door to the left , then open it
Post by: Yoink on February 21, 2012, 03:59:01 pm
I'll admit, I mainly just like seeing Steve Irwin getting to live again, but the writing is just great. :P Keep it up!
Post by: monk12 on February 21, 2012, 05:20:25 pm
Quote
a profound weakness for all things on the left
ahahahahaha I get it.
Post by: Talarion on February 22, 2012, 02:05:53 am
Post by: lawastooshort on February 22, 2012, 07:12:45 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN FOUR
Paul McCartney hesitantly beckoned the rest of the team to carefully follow behind Davy Crockett.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Stay back, men," says Davy Crockett, interrupting McCartney's turn in his booming manly voice. "I'll handle those traps. A trick I learned out in the woods..."
"Ok,” says Paul, watching Davy grab the croc head. “While back, I never needed anybody's help in any way. But now those days are gone I'm not so self assured! Could it be the commie croc corpse on the floor? Oh won't you please, please lead the way?"
... Paul follows closely – but not too closely – behind the King of the Wild Frontier as he scouts expertly ahead for more dangerous traps. Squeezing through the mighty blades that cut down the two cattybaras and trying to avoid the sticky wet patches of blood, the Beatle glances to the right as the pair pass the open doorway. It seems to have been some kind of barracks room for the guardsmen the four man assault squad have already taken out. There are a few low beds, a couple of baskets, a mess of blankets. Nothing moves as McCartney creeps past. It doesn’t seem much for the main entrance to such an important location.
Suddenly there's a pa-shing! in front by Davy Crockett. McCartney throws himself flat against the wall!
Attach the croc head to the end of the rifle. Go down the hall, using the croc head rifle trigger stick to trigger traps in front of me.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
... Taking charge of the situation, Davy Crockett scoops up the severed crocodile head and sticks it on to the end of his rifle, before crouching his way down the hallway, squeezing between the vicious blades, poking the walls and floor carefully as he goes.
He gets nearly two metres away from the end of the corridor when BAM! A sharp stake shoots out of the ground before him, slamming the croc head into the air and impaling it on the ceiling!
”Huh. I thought as much. Just yer typical impalation trap, nothing to worry about, men,” says Crockett, ... niftily diving out of the way as another stake shoots down from the ceiling into the ground. “I've only ever seen these come in ones, so we should be safe for the rest of the way. Hey, what you doing against the wall, Paul? It was just a typical impalation trap! Come on, we've got to keep moving.”
Hows about we open the door instead? That D on the left is a door, right?
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
As his companions move off down the hallway through the deadly array of traps, Steve Irwin’s natural curiosity and enthusiasm for learning get the better of him, and he turns to check out the door the party were on the verge of ignoring. Archimedes is standing next to it, muttering to himself in ancient Greek!
”Hey fella, hows about we open the door instead? This is a door, right mate? Crikey, what is it with you lot and doors, eh? I hadn’t realised they were some kind of twenty first century technology, y’know? Here, you need to turn the handle, like this…”
... Just as Stevo’s about to demonstrate his door taming technique, Archimedes reaches out a hand and opens the door! Steve Irwin falls forward, tumbling through the open doorway into the room beyond! As he reaches out a hand to catch his balance, he only manages to hold on to Archimedes’ flowing robes, dragging him into the room alongside him! Strewth!
Archimedes followed Davy Crockett through the hallway. However his mathematically mind noticed something special. An unopened door. A mystery that just waited to be discovered, problems waiting to be discovered. Luckly he was a mathematician, and not some adventurer that rushed into things, armed only with a whip and a funny hat. So he made some quick calculations about the likelihood of him dying when opening the door, and then opened it.
Calculate survival chances when opening the door to the left, then open it
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
About to venture through the Blades of Death and to tiptoe through the Floor of Blood, Archimedes of Syracuse realises his comrades have completely ignored the door right next to him on the left!
(http://tnypic.net/2c629.png)
Muttering to himself again about if a equals the importance of my life to this mission, and if b equals the importance of my life in general, and say if p equals the probability of my dying, and to calculate p we need to take into account the various factors I enumerated a few seconds ago, then... hmm..., Archimedes performs a few mental calculations before realising that p should in fact be adjusted to take into account the probability of something useful being in the room.
Archimedes reaches out a hand!
... He opens the door!
From the doorway the only thing he notices in the room is some kind of green box attached to the wall!
(http://tnypic.net/acb32.png)
Suddenly the Aussie Crocodile Hunter goes flying past Archimedes, reaching out a hand to drag the Greek into the room after him. They both fall to the floor in the centre of the room! A vicious communist cattybara leaps onto Steve’s head, scratching and mewling as he starts to punch Steve Irwin in the face!
(http://tnypic.net/37154.png)
... The cattybara punches Steve Irwin so hard in the face he breaks the poor fella’s eye!
Wounds Acquired! Steve Irwin: Broken Left Eye! | Heavy Eye Bleeding!
Archimedes trips over his sandals and falls to the ground, where a second cattybara takes his submachine gun off his shoulder and starts beating him mercilessly!
(http://tnypic.net/37154.png)
... The cattybara fractures one of Archimedes’ right ribs! Archimedes seems to be having trouble breathing!
Wound Acquired! Archimedes of Syracuse: Fractured Right Rib!
The sound of merciless communist beatings is abruptly punctuated by a third cattybara slamming the door shut.
(http://tnypic.net/37154.png)
”Ohohoho! We’re gonna have ourselves some fun, boys! Get the merciless communist beating sticks out lads!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 22, 2012, 08:16:34 am
Archimedes hadn't notice his right rib breaking(those aren't important, they grow back afterall). His attention was focused on the Green mathemathecally important box. He tries get up and grab the box. If he succeeds, he will use it to violently add the Cattybarra that punched him to the Cattybarra blocking the door, which will hopefully equal 2 knockedout Cattybarra's. If he can't reach the box, he attempts to grab his rifle.
Grab math box, use it to slam Cattybara 1 into cattybara 2
Post by: Toaster on February 22, 2012, 08:58:09 am
Need us to come back and bail you out?
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 22, 2012, 04:15:46 pm
We turn our back on you two for a second and you get yourselves walloped. Sigh.Probably yes.
Need us to come back and bail you out?
Post by: freeformschooler on February 22, 2012, 04:46:11 pm
Keep moving.
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on February 22, 2012, 05:56:58 pm
Archimedes hadn't notice his right rib breaking(those aren't important, they grow back afterall).No they don't.
Anyways posting to watch the hilarity.
Post by: Toaster on February 22, 2012, 08:32:02 pm
Go back to bail out the other two.
Post by: Talarion on February 23, 2012, 06:26:16 am
Post by: lawastooshort on February 23, 2012, 12:10:38 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN FIVE
"Hmm... that was close one with the impaler trap. Ain't no doubt about it."
Keep moving.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Whilst Davy Crockett heads back to see what all the screaming noises from the rearguard are about, Paul decides to press on, venturing on his own into the wilderness. He quickly reaches the end of the hallway – what to do?! He looks to the left, and sees a long corridor sloping downwards and to the left, as if heading into the depths of the communist pyramid. He looks to the right – there’s a short length of corridor before a heavy steel door.
... Deciding it’s probably safest, while he waits for his comrades, to check out the steel door, since it’s not too far, Paul McCartney walks cautiously up to the doorway. It seems to be clearly marked “ENGINE ROOM”.
Tame those Cattybara's! With prodigious amounts of Reptile Wrestling Skills! (Even though they aren't reptiles...)
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
... “Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” shouts Steve Irwin, somewhat stunned and covered in blood, “A whole horde of hungry croccobaras!” he adds, his vision clearly impeded by the shock and the blood and the broken eye and the croccobara covering his face.
(http://tnypic.net/a9acb.png)(http://tnypic.net/a9acb.png)(http://tnypic.net/a9acb.png)
“Crikey mate!”
In a flash Stevo leaps to his feet, pulling the vicious croccobara off his head and wrestling it to the floor. He knees the hungry bastard in the left nostril! He punches the beast in the guts! He grabs the commie footsoldier by the feet and smacks his head against the wall! ... The croccobara explodes! The severed blood flies off in an enormous arc!
Blood raining down from the ceiling, Steve can barely see across the other side of the small room where Archimedes seems to be holding off another croccobara, so he stumbles across to help.
(http://tnypic.net/86ab5.png)
He slips on the liquid blood!
Wounds Acquired! Steve Irwin: Bruised Head!
“Oh no, mate!” cries out Aussie National Hero Steve, “That must be like karma or something for so brutally slaying one of my beloved conservation targets! Jeez, that’ll teach me for bein’ such a bleedin’ galah! Strewth!”
Archimedes hadn't noticed his right rib breaking(those aren't important, they grow back afterall). His attention was focused on the Green mathematically important box. He tries get up and grab the box. If he succeeds, he will use it to violently add the Cattybara that punched him to the Cattybara blocking the door, which will hopefully equal 2 knockedout Cattybara's. If he can't reach the box, he attempts to grab his rifle.
Grab math box, use it to slam Cattybara 1 into cattybara 2
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
... Too busy fighting off the fiendish cattybara punching him in the guts to notice his right rib breaking, Archimedes of Syracuse is much too busy to notice it suddenly and miraculously growing back!
“Strewth, mate!” he thinks to himself, for some reason – but then he spots the mathematically significant green box on the wall! The vengeful mathematician quickly puts two and two together… and gets two! Two knocked out cattybaras, that is!
“(http://tnypic.net/acb32.png) + (http://tnypic.net/37154.png) + (http://tnypic.net/37154.png) = ?”
“Pah!” shouts Archimedes, ... as he manages to struggle away from the relentless crushing assault of the four foot tall commie cat-beast. “Who needs mathematics when I can have FREEDOM!”
Archimedes elbows the cattybara in the right eye before sprinting past his incomprehensible comrade Irwin, manfully struggling with a giant cattybara on his head, watching in awe as the Australian tears the communist off his head and smashes him to smithereens against the nearby wall. Archimedes reaches the green box on the wall! He grabs it! He turns and sees the elbowed cattybara steaming towards him! Suddenly the room explodes in a shower of blood!
... Archimedes lets go of the Chinese first aid kit, yelping with unrestrained glee as it flies towards the communist, smacking him full in the guts and propelling him across the room! The cattybara hits the cattybara!
... The second cattybara slams against the door! He looks dazed but he gets straight up: he looks super angry!
The flying cattybara slumps in a heap at his feet, retching profusely.
The second cattybara looks really even more super pissed! He runs towards Archimedes, sharp curved knife drawn!
Suddenly Stevo’s now decadent western red crocodile crawls out from under the vomiting cattybara, drenched in blood and retchjuice. He leaps through the air! He snaps the running cattybara in two!
(http://tnypic.net/15c06.png)
The vomiting cattybara screams in horror at this atrocious sight. He passes out from the pain!
Crockett sighs
Go back to bail out the other two.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Aghast at his comrades’
Sighing one of his famous sighs, Crockett turns back.
"Stay on the path, kids!" he cryptically adds, before dodging through the deadly traps and sprinting down the corridor to where Stevo and Archimedes were last seen. There seems to be an unholy commotion coming from behind the door!
Oh good Lord, the sounds of brutality are appalling!
... Desperately trying to force the door open, Davy Crockett finds it stuck. He can’t get in!
He’ll have to leave his companions to their grisly fate!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on February 23, 2012, 12:16:11 pm
Post by: Toaster on February 23, 2012, 12:41:48 pm
Not kicking this one.
Splint that foot! Those body parts lying around should do for the job.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 23, 2012, 02:26:06 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on February 23, 2012, 02:32:56 pm
Post by: Talarion on February 24, 2012, 12:19:09 am
Post by: lawastooshort on February 24, 2012, 05:07:58 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN SIX
He attempted to smash in the door with his guitar!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Every night when everybody has fun, tum ti dum,
Here am I sitting all on my own, tiddly doo,
It won't be loooooong, yeah yeaaaaah,
It won't be looo –
" – oh, balls to this, I can't hang about all day like! We've got an evil dictator to take down!"
Snapping out of his musical reverie, McCartey The Last Beatle realises the urgency of the situation! He has a flash of clarity! He smacks the heavy steel door with his acoustic guitar!
... The sound's worse than that time they let Ringo sing but the door doesn’t budge! If only me friends were here to give me a little help, Paul thinks dejectedly as he slides down to the ground, his back against the wall and his hand on the neck of his guitar. "The only true friend I've got left, and I go and smack you against a massive plate of steel... I'm sorry la'..."
It seems to Paul as if his guitar is gently weeping!
Grab the mathematically important green box and my weapons. Also, check if there's more ammo to be found.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
"Well, that was... that was quite an impressive weapon there, I suppose," says Archimedes, mostly to himself. "I'm sure it must have something to do with the prominent mathematical sign... and perhaps the colour green. Hmm... Perhaps further experimentation is required…"
... The Greek mathemagician leaps over to the other side of the room with great haste, hoping to get to the Chinese first aid kit before the passed out cattybara wakes up. He grabs the green box in one hand and rushes out the room to catch up with his comrades. But he’s forgotten his submachine gun! He turns round to look at the last second but absentmindedly forgets to stop rushing out the room! He runs straight into the shut door! He crashes straight through, falling to the floor in a dazed pile in front of the astonished Davy Crockett, who appears to be searching through a pile of blood-soaked enemy bodies in the corridor.
Item Acquired! Chinese first aid kit.
Wounds Acquired! Archimedes of Syracuse: Bruised Head!
Archimedes lies flat on the floor for a moment, winded and stunned, until he feels the manly hand of Steve Irwin grasp him by the arm and help him to his feet.
What he sees makes him gasp with horror!
Help Archimedes and then try and fix some of my own wounds.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
... Being at heart a non-violent fella, Stevo sees the passed out cattybara and realises it doesn’t really pose much of a threat anymore, so for its own good he strolls over to its inert body and crouches down, pulling out a kind of indistinguishable syringe from one of his safari shirt pockets.
He looks up, staring off into some undeterminable distance and says, seemingly to no one in particular, “Now, we’ve got to be careful with the dose of this thing here – we give him too much and it could do him more harm than good, y’know?”
Steve Irwin looks back down, jamming the needle into the cattybara’s backside before looking up again.
“He’s gonna be out for the count now, so we’ll be perfectly safe to continue with this vital operation and my friend Archimedes of Syracuse won't be under any threat. Knocking a poor animal out with general anaesthetic can be dangerous, but this little fella will feel much better when this is all over. It’s for his own good, y’know?”
Suddenly his friend Archimedes of Syracuse flies past him, interrupting his commentary and smashing through the shut door before bursting out into the corridor! Steve looks up in surprise and notices Davy outside searching about the various enemy corpses spread across the floor, and then notices the first aid kit in the collapsed philosopher’s hand.
“Hey, d’yer mind? I’ve just noticed I’ve got a little bit of bleeding from this cut above me left eye that could probably do with attending to. Y’know, an open cut in this kind of environment can be a very dangerous thing, mate.”
... He crouches down once more and busts open the Chinese first aid kit and manages to wrap a chunky bandage across his left eye. The bleeding seems to have stopped!
(http://tnypic.net/71366.png)
Safety seen to, Irwin stands up, helping Archimedes to his feet with a friendly hand.
What he sees makes him nearly retch with revulsion!
Splint that foot! Those body parts lying around should do for the job.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”Not kicking this one...” wisely thinks the intrepid frontiersman as he starts searching about in the corridor for some segment of croc corpse or cattybara body part to use to strap his foot up. Davy Crockett has a flash of inspiration! He straightens and stands, checking in his pockets for some kind of twine or rope to use, and then hurriedly paces back and forth down the corridor until he finds what he’s looking for.
Concentrating so hard he’s not even slightly interrupted by the Greek philosopher who suddenly comes flying through the door next to him, he bends down and gets to work, tying and retying the twine feverishly till he’s done, giving his fixed up foot a few good hard smacks to check the end result is firmly kept in place. He stands up just as Stevo finishes bandaging himself and helps Archimedes to his feet.
(http://tnypic.net/22113.png)(http://tnypic.net/69379.png)
... Both his companions seem rapt with uncontrollable admiration!
Item Acquired! Davy Crockett: CROCKO-FOOT.
(http://tnypic.net/a548c.png)
… … … … … …
The unmistakeable voice of the Magnificent Timelord crackles into life over the team’s neural communications implants as the three men stand staring at the somehow living crocodile head strapped to Crockett’s right foot.
”Hey guys. What’s going on man? My sensors seem to indicate that you’re barely moving – are you meeting like heavy resistance or something? Do you need help? ‘Cause, you know, you’re all alone down there and there isn’t any. You’ve got to get moving guys, you’ve only got a little over ten minutes to get the hit done and get back out. Now, listen carefully – our scientists suggest that there should be some kind of monorail that travels through the communist HQ, and they estimate it should pass by one level beneath you. When you see some kind of passage way that slopes downwards, that’s the one you need. Follow that till you meet the monorail, and then see if you can follow the track into Miaow’s lair, over."
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 24, 2012, 05:16:24 pm
He rushes back into the room, grabs his machine gun and any ammunition he can find, then opens fire on the obstacle that prevents him from following the most efficient route, the floor.
Grab machine gun, ammo, and then shoot a hole in the floor. Preferably not the part I'm standing on.((Ignore the crocodile head, but don't come to close to it))
Post by: Talarion on February 24, 2012, 07:06:59 pm
Post by: Toaster on February 24, 2012, 09:48:03 pm
Feed the crocko-head some of the meat that's lying around, then proceed with the group to the downward slope.
Post by: monk12 on February 24, 2012, 09:52:32 pm
Davey! Davey Crockett! His foot could eat a steer!
The reaction shots of Steve and Archimedes are priceless.
Post by: freeformschooler on February 25, 2012, 08:32:42 am
EDIT:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Geen on February 25, 2012, 12:53:01 pm
I MISSED THIS WHILE ON VACATION! DAMN YOU RELAXATION! DAMN YOU!
Char sheet in a bit.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 27, 2012, 03:33:22 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN SEVEN
Head through the western path instead to see if the downward slope is there.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
... After a few minutes of brooding introspection, Paul McCartney hauls himself to his feet, leaning on his beloved acoustic guitar as he does so. He can just about hear the stealthy footsteps of what he hopes are his companions coming back from the direction in which Davy Crockett left a short while ago. I'll be on my way, he thinks to himself. He takes a deep sigh, and walks out to meet them.
"What in the name of God happened to your foot, Davy? Whoa, uh, anyway man, so uh the Magnificent Timelord says we need to find a downward tunnel. I've checked out this side and it just says it's the Engine Room, so I guess that leaves this western path. Let's go, lads!"
Sure enough, after no more than twenty metres careful walk along the corridor the path starts to slope downwards. Gusts of stale warm air blow by, and the sounds of distant machinery rise from the depths.
After another ten metres or so of walking, the three men come across a small abandoned trailer, clearly used for transporting goods from one of the monorail stations to the guards and barracks area they've just liberated. It's empty.
"What we have here," begins Steve Irwin, breathless with excitement, "Is yer typical conveniently placed potentially fast movin' object, mates! Crikey! Are you thinking what I'm thinking fellas?"
... ... ... ... ... ..
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screams Paul, at the top of his voice, "This is like, like some kind of groovy helterskelter or something! Woohooooooooooooooooooo!"
The trailer freewheels at top speed down the sloping, curling corridors into the depths of the communist hideout, Stevo hanging on bareknuckled at the front, Paul trying manfully to steer the damn thing with his acoustic guitar-paddle at the back, and Davy Crockett sitting tight in the middle, lovingly dangling strips of cattybara meat into the mouth of his grotesque new
As Paul fights to regain control of the trailer with his acoustic guitar-paddle, Steve turns to look questioningly at him. The two men shrug at each other. Could it be some fearsome new kind of communist doomsday weapon? Suddenly Paul tries to cover his face and point with his guitar at the same time!
Archimedes did some quick calculations(Simple one this time, don't want to worsen the headache). They needed to get to the Railway, which was below them. The Fastest way from point A to point B is a straight line so...
He rushes back into the room, grabs his machine gun and any ammunition he can find, then opens fire on the obstacle that prevents him from following the most efficient route, the floor.
Grab machine gun, ammo, and then shoot a hole in the floor. Preferably not the part I'm standing on.((Ignore the crocodile head, but don't come to close to it))
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
... Archimedes of Syracuse is nothing if not a mathematician – nothing perhaps, that is, except a pragmatic man of daring action! After being helped to his feet by the manly Steve Irwin, Archimedes ignores the strange Aussie and the even stranger man with a crocodile for a foot as they walk off, and realises that this is no time to depend on thoughtless machismo! This is no time for blind and senseless wandering in the dark! This is no time for shock and awe! This is a time for maths! He rushes back into the room he just flew out of, scrabbling around on the ground for his submachine gun and the dozen clips of ammo lying scattered about, aims at the floor, and squeezes the trigger.
Spoiler: American English Translation (click to show/hide)
As his submachine gun fires uncontrollably at the ground around him, Archimedes suddenly finds himself tumbling through the air! He seems to have destroyed the floor upon which he stood!
Rubble falls all about as he plummets, one massive chunk of debris exploding with an enormous burst of noise onto the concrete below and sending out shock waves that knock the Greek philosopher sideways through the air until his descent comes to an abrupt halt with a less than comfortable landing.
Wound Acquired! Archimedes of Syracuse: Bruised Backside!
Archimedes suddenly finds himself flying through the air! He seems to have landed on some sort of fast-moving metallic contraption!
(http://tnypic.net/17632.png)
"Could this," he asks himself, "Be the monorail of which the Magnificent Timelord spoke?"
Seconds later the amazing metallic beast screeches with rage and slides to a dangerously vicious halt. Archimedes suddenly finds himself sliding through the air! He seems to be gliding gracefully and horizontally along the roof of the monorail!
(http://tnypic.net/b2b57.png)
His keen mind quickly deduces that the effects of momentum must be propelling him forth!
Catch up with McCartney, so we can regroup.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
... “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” shouts McCartney for the fourth or fifth time, as he, Davy Crockett and Steve Irwin joyride downhill through the darkness on their stolen trailer. “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Paul’s childish excitement is interrupted by a resounding booming noise coming from the depths below – it sounds like the death throes of a collapsing building or something! Stevo turns round from his lookout position at the front of the trailer to glance at Paul, who stops struggling with the lightning fast trailer only to point desperately in front of him with his guitar and cover his face with his spare hand.
“Wheeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggg!”
Stevo looks round just in time to see the end of the corridor coming rapidly upwards to meet them! It looks like they’re arriving at some kind of subway station!
McCartney struggles vainly to bring the trailer to a stop with his guitar-paddle. There’s less than a hundred metres between them and the station wall! He takes evasive action!
Alas! The sharp manoeuvre Paul attempts overturns the trailer, which crashes to its side and goes sliding along the floor towards the monorail station. The three men hang on desperately as sparks fly off into the gloom! The platform edge appears out of nowhere! The trailer skids off, flies round 360 degrees and comes to a halt on the monorail track with a crash and a bang as Stevo is launched off into the air.
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Fractured Nose!
Several seconds of silence are broken first by Communist voices and then by an approaching rumbling and a blinding light. It’s the Communist Monorail!
Feed the crocko-head some of the meat that's lying around, then proceed with the group to the downward slope.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
... Davy Crockett is in no mood for frivolous games and excitement – he’s already white water rafted down the Colorado on the back of a tamed beaver – he ain’t gonna get all het up about a quick ride on a sumbitch trailer! No sir! He sits serenely in the middle of the newly commandeered bowienautmobile, cutting off strips of cattybara meat with his knife, feeding them to his new
(http://tnypic.net/63308.png)
Without a warning there’s a terrible screeching noise as the trailer tips over, sliding down onto its side in a flash of grinding sparks until it drops over a lip, twisting round and flipping back upright in the air. The trailer lands balanced precariously on the monorail. Davy, flung over onto his back, is a little surprised to open his eyes and find Paul McCartney lying on top of him, desperately trying to keep his legs away from the crocodile head a few feet away. Steve Irwin is nowhere to be seen.
After a few seconds of silence a commotion of cat-like Chinese voices starts up in the monorail station: Davy finds himself being dragged out from under his fellow freedom fighter! He tries to hold on to the safety of the trailer, but CROCKO-FOOT’s ferocious bloodlust is stronger than he is!
CROCKO-FOOT drags Davy towards the half dozen cattybara guardsmen who have just run onto the monorail platform! Davy can’t control it!
CROCKO-FOOT is snapping its mouth and visibly drooling at its new favourite fresh meat!
A rumbling sound and blinding light appear from the left, and an approaching Communist Monorail lights up the crash scene: Paul standing on the trailer, Stevo in a heap on the monorail track, Davy Crockett charging towards the astonished cattybara squad on the platform.
The Communist Monorail brakes to an abrupt stop and suddenly Archimedes of Syracuse comes flying off the top. He lands on the trailer, narrowly missing Paul McCartney! The impact pushes the trailer slowly forward! It begins to slide down the monorail track!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 27, 2012, 04:11:58 pm
Activate Multiply this(You forgot to update the countdown), then take cover and lie down for a nap
Post by: Toaster on February 27, 2012, 04:20:32 pm
"Forward, Boone! Let's get you a cattybara-skin cap!"
Charge with the Crocko-Foot and stab/bite the horde of cattybara!
Post by: freeformschooler on February 28, 2012, 09:15:13 am
Paul McCartney beckons the others to join him in clearing the remaining wave of COMMUNIST CATTYBARAS. He points his guitar at one! He strokes the instrument lovingly! He coaxes it to shoot another GENTLE LOVING BEAM!
Post by: Talarion on February 29, 2012, 03:24:22 am
Post by: lawastooshort on February 29, 2012, 07:35:39 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN EIGHT
Activate Multiply this then take cover and lie down for a nap
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
A little stunned from his recent journey, Archimedes quickly grasps the seriousness of the situation at hand. He lies down in the cart and takes a nap!
... Two seconds later he jumps to his feet. He forgot to calculate the safety or otherwise of the slowly moving trailer! Steadying himself, he measures the various angles and distances with his experienced mathemagician’s eye, draws some vaguely arcane symbols in the air, and shouts out some algebraic advice to his comrades.
“I say!” he says, “Don’t forget that a2 - b2 totally = (a - b)(a + b)!”
They suddenly feel a wave of mathematical focus wash over them!
... Taking a second to estimate the speed and weight distribution of the still moving cart, Archimedes now feels safe enough to lie down for a doze. Alas! He lies down on his bruised backside, increasing the severe bruising! It doesn’t stop him from breaking into a heavy snore though.
Charge with the Crocko-Foot and stab/bite the horde of cattybara!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Forward, Boone!” cries out Davy Crockett. “Let's get you a cattybara-skin cap!"
... Faced with inevitable and bloody hand to hand combat with the cattybara horde, Davy Crockett realises that the only thing to do is to embrace Boone’s bloodlust, and indeed to use it for Good! He charges into a vicious melee, surprising the half dozen communist minions with the ferocity of his assault!
Leaping at the nearest catlike miniature fiend, ... he stabs it right through the face, getting his bowie knife stuck in the communist’s brain! ... As he struggles to free his favourite blade, Boone swivels him forcefully round, and Crockett roundhouse bites the next cattybara’s head off! Boone still looks hungry! Flying through the air like a master of kung fu dragged by a fearsome leaping crocodile head, ... Davy Crockett kicks a third cattybara guardsman in the abdomen, bruising the fat!
With two cattybara corpses to feast on, Boone starts nibbling gently on one of the communist’s arms, leaving Davy rooted vulnerably to the spot. The three unwounded catmonsters approach!
(http://tnypic.net/8c367.png)(http://tnypic.net/37154.png)(http://tnypic.net/20b18.png)
The first communist charges at Davy Crockett with a vicious looking hammer: ... he shatters Crockett’s left arm!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Fractured Left Arm!
Whilst the brave American holds his arm in pain, the second cattybara moves in to finish him off. With his bowie knife stuck and his left arm fractured, ... Crockett has no choice left but to swing his rifle one-handed like a club: he beheads the charging catfiend! The head flies off and bounces of a nearby wall!
Alas! The third communist charges in, stops out of swinging range of the raging Crockett, and raises his communist submachine gun!
(http://tnypic.net/20b18.png)
Help the others with the cattybaras.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Miaowwwwhahahaha!” laughs this third cattybara, ”Miaowwwahahahaha!”
He pulls the trigger, spraying hundreds of bullets from his communist clip until a flash of green and gold flies across the middle of the monorail station. Australian National Hero Steve Irwin bursts into action despite his damaged sense of smell, leaping up from the monorail and tackling the cattybara to the ground using his patented Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move! ... He wrestles viciously with the cattybara as bullets fly forth: suddenly the shooting stops. The foolish communist has shot himself repeatedly in the head in the deadly struggle!
“Crikey mate,” says Irwin, in triumph, “You’re a bleedin’ idiot, y’know! You’ve got to be careful with those things! Here, are you all right fella?” he asks, turning to Crockett.
“Thank you kindly, Mr Irwin,” replies Davy Crockett. “I do believe you saved my life with that there fancy move of yours! I might try that the next time I come across an injun or a North American Prairie Badger!”
But suddenly a threatening voice rings out! It’s the cat with the bruised gut fat!
“Hands up, capitalist pigdogs! Not so fast! No-one bruises my gut fat and gets away with it! Or threatens the sanctuary of the Great ChairMan Miaow! You will all die! And I will receive double tuna rations! Ahahahahahah! Miaow!”
Paul McCartney beckons the others to join him in clearing the remaining wave of COMMUNIST CATTYBARAS. He points his guitar at one! He strokes the instrument lovingly! He coaxes it to shoot another GENTLE LOVING BEAM!
Suddenly a terrifying war cry of love and freedom pierces through the din of battle in another last second reprieve based twist!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Well, what are we waiting for, lads? Come together! Right now!"
It’s Paul McCartney, the Last Beatle! ... A beam of GENTLE LOVE smacks the communist full in the chest! His lips begin to quiver! His eyes begin to well up! He pulls the trigger!
... He can’t do it! He can’t harm his fellow man! He sprays the clip into the air, then throws his weapon to the ground and flees!
“Thank you kindly, Mr McCartney,” exclaims Davy Crockett. “I do believe you saved my life with that there contraption!”
”Cheers mate! That was some good educatin’ you did there to that poor fella. Oh crap! What’s that sound?!”
Two pistol shots ring out from the direction in which the hippybara fled. Through the distant gloom comes striding an imposing figure. It’s none other than a communist commissarybara!!
(http://tnypic.net/13cbb.png)
“Ha!” he shouts in some kind of Russo-Chinese Communist cat language that is strangely enough comprehensible to the four freedom fighters, “Ha! You thought you could so easily infiltrate the sacred HQ of the venerable ChairMan Miaow?! Pffaah! Guardsmen!” he shouts at the monorail, waving his commissar special issue pistol energetically.
“At the capitalist infidels!”
Communist cattybaras start pouring off either side of the Communist Monorail. There must be like a dozen of them or something! The commissar draws his chainsword and flicks a switch. It starts whirring as he advances towards the bowienauts!
Spoiler: Communist Commissarybara! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
+1 to attack rolls, one more turn.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on February 29, 2012, 10:25:26 am
Charge the Commisar with Boone and the Bowie Knife!
I assume I've gotten it free by now- if not, free it first.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 29, 2012, 10:31:00 am
Fire a full clip in the direction of the Cattybarra reinforcements.( Also, the trailer is slowly rolling in the right direction right, and not to an sudden and painfull demise)
Post by: monk12 on February 29, 2012, 12:46:04 pm
Post by: Toaster on February 29, 2012, 01:05:31 pm
Post by: monk12 on February 29, 2012, 01:45:58 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on February 29, 2012, 06:48:27 pm
"Hey there Mister Chainsword
Storming down these Commie-quarters
Sirens blaring, shouting orders
Setting Miaow's minions free"
He raises his guitar above his head!
"But here we slide down the commie-rail
On the path of Miaow's commie-trail
Hey there Mister Chainsword
Bet you weren't expecting me"
He runs towards the commissar!
"As my allies slay your kitties
And the fight gets nitty-gritty
Hey there Mister Chainsword
Looks like it's just you and me!"
He leaps into the air with his guitar held high!
Post by: Tiruin on February 29, 2012, 11:22:59 pm
Post by: Talarion on February 29, 2012, 11:50:41 pm
Post by: Yoink on March 01, 2012, 12:31:55 am
Post by: Talarion on March 01, 2012, 05:21:14 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 01, 2012, 08:08:31 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN NINE
Fire a full clip in the direction of the Cattybarra reinforcements.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Somewhat irritated by having his headache-curing nap rudely interrupted by the sound of violent combat and thunderous gunfire, Archimedes rises from his slumber and jumps to his feet. His homies are under attack from all directions!
He rushes to the side of the trailer, whipping out his weapon and resting it on the edge, before crouching down and lining up his targets. Using the power of maths, he decides the best option is to lay down suppressing fire, and he targets the southernmost group of cattybara, determined to keep the enemy split up and his fellow bowienauts safe!
He unloads a full clip in their general direction! ... The communist fiends cower under cover as bullets rain past, ricocheting off many delicate parts of the monorail. ... The foremost cattybara sticks his head round the corner of the monorail to peek at his enemy.
His comrades are covered in his head! They resume cowering!
(http://tnypic.net/3612c.png)
He raises his guitar above his head! He runs towards the commissar! He leaps into the air with his guitar held high!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Paul McCartney’s the Last Beatle – he knows what he must do! He and his allies are going to either sink or float - nothing in between. He composes a song quickly and begins strumming his bruised guitar!
"Hey there Mister Chainsword,
Storming down these Commie-quarters,
Sirens blaring, shouting orders,
Setting Miaow's minions free!"
As the commissarybara strides forward, nonchalantly executing a nearby coward and traitor to the homeland for glancing backwards, McCartney runs into battle! He raises his beloved acoustic guitar above his head.
"But here we slide down the commie-rail,
On the path of Miaow's commie-trail,
Hey there Mister Chainsword,
Bet you weren't expecting me!"
He rushes at the devilish cattysar!
"As my allies slay your kitties,
And the fight gets nitty-gritty,
Hey there Mister Chainsword,
Looks like it's just you and me!"
... Guitar held high, McCartney leaps at the cattybarassar like some kind of bardic crouching dragon or something! He flies through the air with the force of a hundred thousand pro-democracy protest songs!
Attempt to grapple the Commisarybara and hold him still
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Suddenly, out of nowhere appears Australian National Hero Steve “Stevo” Irwin, jumping in front of Paul and leaping up to clamp the commissarabara’s jaws shut! The commissarybara struggles, raising his whirring chainsword and trying to cut off Stevo’s leg! He tries to scratch Steve Irwin in the eye with one of his claws!
“Aww!” cries out Irwin, as he elbows the cattysarabara in the cheek, “He’s a feisty one alright, this guy! But he’s a naughty little fella, trying to spread the doctrine of dangerous Chinese Miaowism and everything – we’re gonna have to take him in for study!”
... Stevo manages to wrestle him to the ground!
“Hey guys,” Steve says to no one in particular, “Is the camera still running mate? Can one of you guys come and hold this little critter’s legs still for a minute?”
Suddenly Paul McCartney flies through the air, leaping straight through where the commissarybara’s head was half a second ago! He lands on his feet, and turns with the rage of stolen thunder in his eyes!
“Christ, Steve! You’re bloody worse than John you know! We agreed I was gonna sing this one AND play the solo!”
Paul raises his guitar! He crashes it down!
... The communist’s head is severely bruised and bleeding!
(http://tnypic.net/76320.png)
Seeing their political advisor knocked down by a horde of dirty capitalists, the cattybaras on the northern side of the monorail rush forward to bravely rescue him whilst he valiantly struggles!
Moderately confused by his bruised head and unable to charge, the commissarybara can’t quite get enough force behind his chainsword: he raises his pistol and shoots off a burst at his assailants. He hurriedly squeezes off four shots, ... horribly wounding Paul in the neck and narrowly missing Steve ..., but in his confusion he accidentally executes two of the cattybaras in the head!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Heavy Neck Bleeding!
With their morale considerably raised by the executions, the two remaining northern cattybaras charge onwards. One jumps onto Paul McCartney’s head, trying desperately to claw his eyes off! ... But Paul has the better of him, and drags him off, swinging him by the leg against the nearby wall! He splatters the wall with bits of cat! And bits of bara! The last cattybara plants his feet, unwilling to advance further into the onslaught, and decides instead to empty his submachine gun at the charging crocko-footed frontiersman. ... His trembling paws miss completely!
Charge the Commissar with Boone and the Bowie Knife!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Communist bullets flying all about them, Davy Crockett and faithful Boone charge forward ferociously, for Texas and for Freedom!
”Forward, Boone! We'll take the big one!”
The commissarybara’s head is bruised and bleeding and his legs are being grappled by an Australian Croc Hunter, and now the King of the Wild Frontier is here! Davy charges with his snapping foot, ... backflipping through the air towards the catty avatar of Miaowist Fundamentalism, Bowie Knife thrust forwards. ... Davy Crockett flies straight through the communist’s abdomen, spilling his guts and severing his liver and fracturing his spine! Boone swivels round in time to see the commisarybara fall into two upon the ground, legs still struggling against the Australian and blood pouring down his face from the awful guitar wound.
... Boone bites off the communist’s pistol hand! Blood sprays everywhere!
With one last desperate lunge, the commissar strikes forward with the still whirring chainsword in a flash of chain and sword, ... but Paul dodges out of the way like a dancing minstrel!
The communist keels over onto the ground. He’s totally dead!
(http://tnypic.net/53b24.png)
“Whoa,” says Paul. “He was, like, some kind of communist Boss!”
“Yep,” agrees Stevo. “And we totally killed him in that Fight! Nice one fellas!”
Davy just stands there, drenched in communist blood as Boone gnaws contentedly on communist leg.
The remaining northern cattybara foot soldier flees in terror!
All at once the bowienauts feel a wave of slight nausea wash over them, but then they all feel aglow with righteous democratic power!
The Magnificent Timelord’s magnificent voice crackles over the neuro-intercom-link.
“Hey, young dudes, and stuff. Our scientists have worked out that roughly about now you should have all recovered a small percentage of the health you lost during the temporal distortions I had to operate to bring you here. Totally check the spoilered part of the message in your uh neural inbox to see what I mean, man. Freaky. Whoa, I nearly forgot: they – you know, those groovy scientists – have detected that there are vast numbers of communist reinforcements en route to Miaow’s pyramid, slightly faster than first predicted. You’ve really got to motor guys, you’ve got probably five minutes before the whole area is swarming with mad communist fanatics… Have you found that monorail yet? You need to follow it. See if you can find a map in the station or something. There’s probably a stop marked ChairMan Miaow’s lair. Probably. Yeah. Hey, not now baby, I’m busy. Ooooh.”
TOTAL LEVEL UP!
Spoiler: Enemies (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on March 01, 2012, 09:59:17 am
Paul McCartney rushes out through the north!
Post by: Toaster on March 01, 2012, 10:52:01 am
Find the map! If the cattybaras act up, throw discarded body parts at them to demoralize them.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 01, 2012, 02:42:53 pm
Look if the monorail is safely lootable/ Fix up
Post by: Talarion on March 02, 2012, 04:18:58 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 02, 2012, 07:23:17 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TEN
THEY TOTALLY LEVELED UP!
Look if the monorail is safely lootable / Fix upthe meatshieldsmy friends
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Descending from the conveniently slowly sliding trailer and ignoring the cowering cattybaras, Archimedes strides graciously towards the damnable Communist Monorail, standing on the tips of his toes to peek in through the windows and see if there are any communists left inside. He can’t see anyone!
... Fishing a jimmy bar out from somewhere inside his spacious robes, he tries to pry open the monorail door. It’s jammed fast!
Paul McCartney rushes out through the north!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
... Meanwhile, Paul McCartney has spotted a suspicious looking pathway to the north!
"Come on, lads! No time for song and dance! Ignore the cattybaras!"
Follow McCartney. Keep him outta trouble ;)
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
... Steve Irwin follows McCartney to the north to keep him out of trouble, and the pair run through the sea of blood before ducking through a low door into a dark corridor. They encounter no one, and no traps sever their limbs! At the end of the corridor they reach a lift and two doors. The lift is marked, in cat-Chinese which the bowienauts’ neural implants handily translate, “CARGO ELEVATOR”. One door is marked “MAIN EXIT” and another door is marked “MAIN BARRACKS”.
... Suddenly Archimedes of Syracuse rushes up to the pair, whips out his first aid kit, grabs a scalpel, trips over, and stabs McCartney repeatedly in the chest! Blood starts spurting everywhere!
“Careful Paul!” cries out Steve. “There’s a scalpel there! They can be very dangerous! Hey, do you know you’re bleeding? That heavy bleeding’s a beauty!”
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Heavy Upper Body Bleeding!
Wound Acquired! Archimedes of Syracuse: Heavy Head Bruising!
As Archimedes slips to the floor in a growing pool of blood, a tube of bandages falls out of his hand and rolls gently away in the gloom.
Find the map! If the cattybaras act up, throw discarded body parts at them to demoralize them.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"A map, eh? Useful things, those. Not sure I’d trust one though – didn’t have any of them on the wild frontier!"
Davy Crockett ignores the calamitous sounds going on up the northern passage and searches about the monorail station for a map. ... He finds one on the wall!
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
Suddenly a hail of bullets explodes all about him. The cattybaras are acting up! He turns round to throw the commissarybara’s pistol hand at them just as one pops his head and submachine gun round the end of the monorail ... The cattybara’s left arm is torn off! He looks quite demoralised! ... But one of his bullets hits Davy Crockett in the guts, bruising the fat and tearing the skin!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Light Gut Bleeding!
Crockett looks about him: his comrades have all run off to the north. He is all alone!
"Hey chaps!" he shouts out into the darkness, "I really think we should go this way! Perhaps we should make a reasoned and collective decision as to which direction to head in!"
Spoiler: Enemies (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on March 02, 2012, 07:27:00 am
Post by: Toaster on March 02, 2012, 08:58:46 am
"Blasted fools. They wouldn't last one day in the Ozarks. Hell, they probably wouldn't last in the Appalachians."
Go retrieve my companions, stop them from bleeding, and drag them back to the monorail.
I've thrown way too many 5s and 6s. I'm scared.
EDIT- Also, my sub-action was Super Effective.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 02, 2012, 11:49:19 am
Exute the above sum to fix up the problems.
Spoiler: Explanation (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 02, 2012, 01:04:35 pm
Post by: monk12 on March 02, 2012, 01:21:54 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on March 02, 2012, 03:34:27 pm
Paul McCartney wait a minute to see if his companions can do anything for them, then directs the group to head crashing through the western door.
Post by: monk12 on March 02, 2012, 04:05:37 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 02, 2012, 05:30:20 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN ELEVEN
(Paul Mccartney+(Water+Air+Sqrt(Ground))*Fire)*Fire.
Execute the above sum to fix up the problems.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Mumbling a hurried apology to the Last Beatle, Archimedes starts making some strange symbols in the air with his hands, and then begins a mystical and mathematical Greek chant! As his hands whirl about his head, mathematical symbols seems to coalesce in the air above him, plus signs of fire and minuses of earth bursting into being a few feet over the bowienauts.
...Suddenly a fire ball forms and bursts off on its own down the southern corridor!
And then another!
And then a great ball of water blasts against the nearby wall!
And finally an enormous ball of mud shoots up into the ceiling!
The mud explodes on impact, showering the bowienauts in wet slimy dirt.
Search for the roll of bandages to fix McCartney's bleeding. Also, I say we outvote Davy.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Steve Irwin searches about on the floor, his non-broken eagle eye noticing the roll of bandages escaping Archimedes' hand as he collapses to the floor. He searches high! He searches low! His search becomes more desperate as he sees the ever increasing puddle of Beatle blood staining the concrete under his feet.
Wide-eyed with worry for his musical and bleeding friend, he looks down low! He looks down high! ...Suddenly his face is showered in mud, and his eye is plastered in thick, slimy, sticky brown goo!
But this is Steve Irwin! A bit of brown goo never bothered hi-
"OH JESUS CHRIST MATE! CRIKEY! I'VE GONE TOTALLY BLIND FELLAS!"
Stevo starts shouting at the top of his voice, and rushes screaming through the eastern door! He knocks it straight down, and starts running in the direction of the Main Barracks, wildly flailing his arms!
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Gone Totally Blind Mate!
Paul McCartney waits a minute to see if his companions can do anything for them, then directs the group to head crashing through the western door.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Waiting for a minute or two to see if his comrades might be able to help him with his heavy bleeding problem, Paul watches with growing – yet mild-mannered and chirpy – frustration as fire, mud and Australians fly noisily all around him.
"Bloody hell man," he despairs. "We're meant to be a crack team of working class her-errrr bowienauts on a dangerous lightning quick stealth mission to save the worlds! Come on men, this way. It says Main Exit but that's probably just a decoy or something."
...Paul crashes through the western door, leaving a trail of friendly Liverpudlian blood as he suddenly comes face to face with a handful of surprised cattybara guardsmen.
(http://tnypic.net/68061.png)
Suddenly he feels the rough manly hand of Davy Crockett on his shoulder!
Go retrieve my companions, stop them from bleeding, and drag them back to the monorail.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Blasted fools," mumbles Davy Crockett to himself, quite reasonably. "They wouldn't last one day in the Ozarks. Hell, they probably wouldn't last in the Appalachians."
The King of the Wild Frontier rushes up the northern passage to his stranded co-bowienauts, only to be met with a scene of bewildering carnage. The eastern door is smashed down, the floor is slick with blood, the walls and ceiling are dripping with mud, and Paul McCartney is face to face with several communist guardsmen! Steve Irwin is nowhere to be seen!
"Here," starts Davy, ...lopping a cattybara's head off with his bowie knife as calmly as if he was going for a Sunday stroll and then slamming the Western door shut, "You're hit pretty badly there Paul. What the hell happened to you guys? Here, I've got a traditional remedy I learnt when I was but a young apprentice woodsman. Now, close your eyes a second, this might sting a little..."
...Davy Crockett punches Paul McCartney in the face! ...He knocks him to the floor and drags him by the feet towards the monorail!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Bruised Head!
A thick trail of blood is left behind the two bowienauts as Archimedes comes to his senses by the cargo elevator.
"Whoa man! Did you see that fireball?! Oh, hey, wait! I say! Chaps! What about Stevo?"
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: kisame12794 on March 02, 2012, 06:12:35 pm
Post by: Toaster on March 02, 2012, 07:36:17 pm
P.P.S. - Someone save that poor Beatle!! He's the last one!
I worked on him! Sort of!
So much for me thinking the Australian was the most competent of the bunch. "Stay here, lad. Brains, watch over him. I'll get Steve..."
Drop off Paul with Archimedes. Go retrieve Steve.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 02, 2012, 07:46:00 pm
Post by: Toaster on March 02, 2012, 08:13:35 pm
Post by: Talarion on March 02, 2012, 09:05:57 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 03, 2012, 06:53:01 am
Post by: freeformschooler on March 03, 2012, 10:16:13 am
Attempt to discern the most likely path to Miaow. Then head there.
Post by: lawastooshort on March 04, 2012, 05:54:37 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWELVE
Attempt to get the mud out of my eyes.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
As he runs screaming and blind down some distant and foreign corridor, Steve Irwin suddenly has an epiphany. He could stop screaming! He could clean the mud out of his eyes!
He does so, with care, precision, and a slight hint of desperation: communists could be all around, and he wouldn't even know it!
...As he regains his sight, all he sees is another dingy grey corridor and, a few feet away, the heavy steel door he would have run into if it weren't for his sudden epiphany. His friends are nowhere to be seen. He's not even entirely sure which direction his friends might be in.
"Woooo!" he comments, dropping to one knee and staring off into an unknown distance, "This dingy grey corridor is a real treat! You don't get to see many of these nowadays, eh? What a beauty!"
Try to bandage the Beatle. Stay on the move.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
"Stay here, lad," advise the dulcet and dignified tones of Davy Crockett's possibly southern drawl, a beacon of homely warmth in a cruel, cold, underground communist world. "Brains, watch over him. I'll get Steve..."
Taking heed of the veteran frontiersman's sensible suggestion, Archimedes of Syracuse sits Paul McCartney down and pulls out his first aid kit. Paul visibly flinches.
"No, no! It's ok! Well... It should be ok... I'm not going to run this time..."
...Fishing out a long and clean looking bandage, Archimedes slowly and carefully mummifies the Last Beatle from waist to chin. Patches of red nearly immediately show through the white, but they don't seem to spread.
"We should keep moving, Paul," suggests the ancient Greek. "Any idea where to?"
Attempt to discern the most likely path to Miaow. Then head there.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"You're damn right, Archimedes. We're running out of time, man! Now, I reckon the fastest way to get to Miaow will be to get on that damn Communist Monorail, hijack the thing, and drive straight up to his front door. Communist dictators ALWAYS have their own personal monorail station – it's so obvious I don't know why we didn't think of it first time round. Come to think of it, I'm sure Davy mentioned something about a map and a route to Miaow. Or perhaps I wasn't even there. Who knows? Let's go, man."
...With a little help from his friendly Greek philosopher's shoulder, Paul McCartney, Last Beatle, stumbles wearily off into the blood spattered grey of the Communist Monorail station. It seems to be deserted except for the Communist Monorail engine and the bowienauts' stolen trailer.
Drop off Paul with Archimedes. Go retrieve Steve.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Stay here, lad," mumbles Davy Crockett a little despondently as he prepares to head off on his own down the mud and blood stained concrete corridor towards the cargo elevator. "Brains, watch over him. I'll get Steve..."
Wandering down the corridor, Davy gets to the end and is about to follow the trail of broken door to the right when he hears a strange sound he's never heard before in all his years of wandering the outdoors.
"Ding!"
...Suddenly the cargo elevator's doors open, and out jump three cattybara communists! They appear to be pushing some kind of trolley! And holding submachine guns!
(http://tnypic.net/20b18.png)(http://tnypic.net/68061.png)(http://tnypic.net/8c367.png)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 04, 2012, 11:11:59 pm
OHIO LEAP straight at them! Stab with the knife and chomp with the foot.
Post by: Talarion on March 05, 2012, 04:11:59 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 05, 2012, 11:22:59 am
Post by: freeformschooler on March 05, 2012, 12:18:47 pm
Paul McCartney ignores his companions taking down the Cattbaras and dashes for the commie-rail. He attempts to hijack it and force it to start.
Post by: lawastooshort on March 05, 2012, 05:33:25 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN THIRTEEN
See if I can open the steel door.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Crikey, that’s not a door, that’s a challenge, mate!”
Overjoyed at suddenly regaining his sight, Stevo sees the door in front of him and gives it an almighty push! ...He smashes it off its hinges, and the door goes flying through the main barracks beyond! It tears through the assembled squadron of fanatically communist cattybaras, showering body parts and blood all over the bunk beds and lockers, throwing severed internal organs and fur all over the carefully laid out communist meals!
Seeing twenty of their comrades mercilessly cut down by flying capitalist steel, the remaining ten cattybara guardsmen look really riled, mate!
The room becomes a sudden hubbub of confusion as cattybaras rush around, knocking into each other as they dash for their guns and their uniforms.
ChairMan Miaow’s lair must be under attack!
Suddenly an enormously loud hooting siren starts to sound!
OHIO LEAP straight at them! Stab with the knife and chomp with the foot.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
The startled communists and the startled King of the Wild Frontier both speak at once, the cattybaras in a questioning whine and the American in a tone that almost sounds pleased.
"Boone? Feedin' time."
...Before they can even so much as move a good old fashioned American inch, Davy Crockett leaps into the elevator towards them with the speed and strength of a seasoned river leaper! As he leaps straight through one cattybara’s brain his deadly sharp bowie knife ...narrowly misses the left hand guardsman's throat whilst Boone flies past and ...tears off the right hand guardsman’s head.
Crockett and Boone swivel on the spot to face the final communist; ...he smacks Davy in the face with the butt of his submachine! Crockett’s face is broken!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Broken Face!
… … … … … …
Davy Crockett comes to, woken by the gentle sound of the elevator dinging once more. He looks around him to find the elevator covered in blood, and three partially eaten cattybara corpses scattered about the floor. As the door opens, he peers cautiously out of the lift to see a vast room filled with barrels and crates and boxes stacked from floor to ceiling. An ominous whirring noise seems to be coming from the other side of the room, and a strange purring noise seems to be coming from close by.
He looks down to see Boone contented and snoring.
… … … … … ...
After a second or two Crockett has a sudden thought.
“Hey – perhaps it wasn't that gentle dinging sound that woke me from my shameful slumber. Perhaps it was that deafening alarm siren! Oh good Lord, that don't sound like nothing righteous and American! No sir!”
Investigate the monorail, try not to get shot. Follow Paul and help him with the monorail.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Following his patched up companion Paul McCartney – the Last Beatle – Archimedes of Syracuse heads down to the Communist Monorail, hoping not to get shot. He pulls out his gun and advances cautiously up to the strange machine. Nobody seems to be about – those damn commie cattybaras must have fled the fearsome suppressing fire from his liberated submachine gun!
Reaching the door to the cabin and whipping out his jimmy bar, he gives it a good hard pull. ...It's jammed shut!
"Bother!" he shouts, trying to get down with these crazy futuristic kids.
Paul McCartney ignores his companions taking down the Cattybaras and dashes for the commie-rail. He attempts to hijack it and force it to start.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Ignoring the sound of desperate life and death struggle behind him, Paul McCartney dashes to the Communist Monorail with Archimedes covering his back. He peeks up into the driver's cabin as the Greek tries to force it open – he can't see anyone inside.
But Archimedes is defeated by the door!
“Here, mate, gimme that. Look – you've got to have the right technique, you know. It's all in the wrists. I've done er I've er seen it done dozens of times. Our George, he's an expert y'know.”
...Paul grabs the jimmy bar! He forces the monorail cabin door open!
The hiding driverbara leaps out from behind the driver's chair, claws outstretched as he goes straight for Paul's beautiful hazel eyes!
Alas for the cattybara: Paul is quicker with his guitar than James Coburn with a knife in that film. ... In one flowing move he reaches out his hand for the neck of his acoustic, draws it over his shoulder, and brings it crashing down upon the Communist's communist head! He slashes from waist to shoulder with the return stroke! He smashes him in the face with a final killing thrust!
McCartney throws the lifeless corpse outside the cabin as he clambers across to the driver's seat and checks the glove compartment.
“You are searching for something, musician?” asks Archimedes.
“Just the keys,” replies Paul. “They normally keep 'em somewhere aro – ah! Bingo!” he exclaims, as he reaches up behind the sunshade.
“Got 'em! Let's go man!”
He slots the key into the ignition as Archimedes slams shut the passenger side door. He turns it, and the engine bursts into life. Paul turns to Archimedes.
“Hey, wanna smoke, man?”
Archimedes' reply is lost as a deafening alarm siren starts to sound, all but visibly filling the air with noise.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 05, 2012, 08:07:02 pm
Patch myself up- use scattered body parts as needed. Figure out what's going on in the room.
Post by: Talarion on March 06, 2012, 01:38:29 am
Post by: freeformschooler on March 06, 2012, 08:49:18 am
Paul McCartney attempts to get the machine to head to Miaow's private lair in any way he can. Alternately, he waits for it to do so itself!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 06, 2012, 11:10:01 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 07, 2012, 08:16:32 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN FOURTEEN
Run hastily in the opposite direction.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Crikey!" shouts Steve Irwin, face to face with a dozen communists. ”I’d best scarper, mate!” he finishes, slamming the door shut and turning to run as hastily as he can.
Alas! As soon as he turns to run he hears the door opening again! The commie fiends have mastered the door handle technology that has so far proven so dangerous to the bowienauts!
Alas! – for the cattybaras, at least, this time! They haven’t mastered crocodile technology like Steve Irwin has!
“Come on me old cobber! Up and at the commie bastards, mate! I’m going down the road before these fellas get the shits!”
...As his tamed ex-communist crocodile leaps out of his inventory and into the doorway to cover his retreat, Stevo turns and flees, the echoing ring of his footsteps in the dank concrete corridor occasionally audible over the sound of tearing flesh, desperate gunfire, and violent ideological debate. He runs and he runs as tears for his faithful liberated croc roll down his cheeks, and he never looks back!
Patch myself up- use scattered body parts as needed. Figure out what's going on in the room.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”Hmm...” begins Davy, as he starts carving with his bowie knife. ”If I could just… hmm. Yeah. Ok. Right. Just to the left a little bit. Ah yes. Much better, the eyes line up and everything. Feels almost as good as new! Just like that time with papa and that dang bear. Boone? Brace yourself, buddy, and just remember it’s good ol’ Davy Crockett underneath this fancy new contraption of mine…”
Boone the Crocko-foot looks up.
...Davy Crockett is covered in catface!
Item Acquired: Davy Crockett: Facial Protection Catmask!
“Right. Now I’m part ways on the road to recovery, let’s go see what lies in this here room…”
Davy searches about the cargo storage bay, trying to figure out what’s going on in the room. It would appear that a great number of crates and boxes – cargo, you might say – are being stored in there! Heading towards the far side of the room where the ominous humming sound seems to be coming from, he comes to a door marked “GENERATOR ROOM. KEEP OUT.”
“Ah – the generator room,” he thinks to himself. “I’ve seen that somewhere before…”
He opens the door quietly and peeks his head through.
To his left he can see two communists walking away from him and, beyond them, a door on the same wall as the door Davy’s just opened. Taking up most of the room is a huge mass of whirring machinery.
Paul McCartney attempts to get the machine to head to Miaow's private lair in any way he can. Alternately, he waits for it to do so itself!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Hm... you know... if I could just coordinate the thing..."
...Whilst his foot revs the engine impatiently, McCartney’s eyes scan the illuminated dashboard in front of him.
“Hmm…” he thinks aloud, ”Main Entrance… Main Barracks… Generator Room… ChairMan Miaow’s Private Lair… You Are Here… By George, they’re destination buttons! Look, Archimedes, they correspond nearly exactly to the subway map we saw! Buckle your braces man, I’m going to press this bloody button so hard I get blisters on me fingers!”
Watch out for and eliminate the other communist monorail driver. Also, help driving it.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“No! Wait! Look Paul,” cries Archimedes, ”There’s the other Communist Monorail driver! If we do not eliminate him, he will surely sound the alarm!”
Before Paul can stop him, Archimedes jumps out the driver’s cabin and rushes towards the approaching figure.
”What,” asks the Last Beatle, ”You really think anyone’s gonna hear an alarm over the noise of this deafening siren mate? Are you sure that’s a communist? You did bang yer head quite hard, our Archimedes, lad…”
Alas! Archimedes cannot hear! The sound of the deafening siren obliterates all other noise outside the driver’s cabin! He charges towards the oncoming communist driver, and ...aims a mighty punch at his face!
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Heavy Head Bruising!
”Ah, Jesus, Archimedes, fella! That’s not a bloody communist! That’s a bloody Aussie national hero, mate! Shit, bring him over here and help him on board! Let’s go!”
… … … … … …
As soon as Archimedes helps the dazed Irwin into the Communist Monorail’s driver’s cabin, Paul slams his finger down on the button marked “ChairMan Miaow’s Private Lair”. The monorail bursts into action! It steams onwards through the increasing dark and the deafening cacophony of engine and alarm siren, blasting like red lightning through passing subway stations, rumbling forward at ever-increasing speeds until the button Paul pressed starts to light up bright red. It starts to flash!
The monorail violently slows down, stopping perfectly in place on a subway platform marked “ChairMan Miaow’s Private Lair.”
As first Archimedes and then Steve climb down from the passenger side, Paul slides over, cigarette drooping out of one side of his mouth and his guitar in his hand.
“Looks like we made it folks. Let’s find Miaow and take him down! His lair must be behind those large double doors!”
Suddenly some large double doors in front of the three bowienauts open up! A communist officer flanked by half a dozen cattybaras strolls out.
“Surrender, capitalists! You are surrounded!”
He points behind the bowienauts. There are another half dozen cattybaras on the other side of the monorail!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 07, 2012, 08:29:38 am
The above calculations.
Post by: Toaster on March 07, 2012, 09:36:12 am
Generator, eh? Not sure what that is, but it looks important. I think I'll break it.
Go stab/crocbite the commies, then throw their bodies into the generator. If that doesn't break it, start throwing in crates.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 07, 2012, 03:29:22 pm
Paul strummed a few gentle loving tabs on his guitar to daze the officer and attempted to run past him, through the double doors and into Miaow's lair.
Post by: Talarion on March 08, 2012, 04:42:03 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 08, 2012, 05:04:07 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN FIFTEEN
Go stab/crocbite the commies, then throw their bodies into the generator. If that doesn't break it, start throwing in crates.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”Generator, eh? Not sure what that is, but it looks important. I think I'll break it. Damn commie deserves no less.”
Whilst the two cattybara communist guardsmen lean over some kind of control panel, discussing something communist in hushed communist voices, Davy Crockett sneaks in, gently opening the door and padding up behind them as stealthily as a wily woodsman can. ...Suddenly he leaps up in the air and Boone bites one of their heads right off from behind! His comrade is so violently shocked he jumps vertically into the air several metres, and as he falls back down Davy stabs him so hard in the lung that he is flung bodily into the generator!
The generator breaks! Thick black smoke starts churning out of the largest piece of machinery as it grinds to a halt.
”Hmm… Interesting… Oh, blast. Who turned off the lights? Hmm. Hey, is that door smouldering, Boone? Damnations, I do believe it is!”
Paul strummed a few gentle loving tabs on his guitar to daze the officer and attempted to run past him, through the double doors and into Miaow's lair.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Go, go, go, lads! You fight the kitties and I'll take Miaow. We're running out of time!"
Back in the monorail station leading to ChairMan Miaow’s Private Lair, the lads are surrounded! The situation is desperate!
Paul unholsters his acoustic, and aims it at the pernicious Communist Officer, gently strumming a few minor chords. ...They’re particularly pleasant! The officer is dazed as he remembers his long lost lovers and times gone by. He feels terribly sad! His minions aren’t quite sure what to make of this, and stare questioningly at their teary eyed superior. A chance has presented itself to the daring Beatle!
Seizing his chance, Paul switches his guitar to a more mobile one handed grip, and dashes towards the moping catmunist, taking a long run-up and ...jumping straight over his head! He bursts through the double doors beyond.
”Ahahahaha, Miaow! No one can withstand the power of liberal loving protest songmastery! Time to meet your doo-oh crap! Oh man, heavy.”
The final entrance to Miaow’s Private Lair appears to be guarded by a deadly stingray moat!
And a Bearded Land Octopus!
(http://tnypic.net/b5492.png)
Suddenly everything goes black!
Take care of that Commie Officer!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Taking advantage of the temporary bewilderment of the guardsmen, Steve Irwin changes towards their weeping officer.
”I’m gonna take care of you mate! And when I say ‘take care’, I mean I’m gonna wallop you right in the face yer bleeding galah!”
Stevo rushes up to the blasphemous fiend ...and wallops his face right off his bleeding shoulders! The commie corpse drops to the ground, totally dead, mate!
”Crikey fella! You know, I can be pretty dangerous when handled incorrectly, mate! Oh blimey, what the bloody hell?”
Suddenly all the lights go out!
(Cattybaras- Water)/(Ground+Fire)+ 3Allies^2= Victory
The above calculations.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
With communists to the right of him and communists to the left of him – with communists all around! – Archimedes has to take some serious drastic action! He waits for his two comrades to charge forth, and watches with delight as first Paul rushes forwards, reducing the cattybara officer to tears, and then Stevo jumps out, walloping his bleeding head off, mate!
Archimedes looks quickly over his shoulder at the surrounding commiebaras, and looks in front at the approaching catfiends, and starts a rapid and deadly calculation! But suddenly everything goes black! The lights have gone out!
”Gosh. What’s going on, chaps? Oh bloody hell, I’ve lost concentration. Er. Chaps? You might want to er. Oh blast. I think I got my sum slightly wrong. Oh dear. Well, at least I’m wearing sandles.”
...Even more suddenly than everything turned black, suddenly a huge wave of molten lava starts flooding down the subway tunnel into the station, illuminating everything before it in an eerie orange red glow. In front of him, Archimedes can just about make out the figures of the six cattybaras as they seem to expand. They get bigger and bigger! They burst apart! The monorail station is covered in flying guts and water and catparts and gore! A liver hits Archimedes in the face! He begins to be sick over his feet, lifting his head up just in time to shout a strangled warning cry of terror.
”Stevo! Get through the bleeding doors and jam them shut mate! You haven’t got any sandals!”
”Oh crikey!” shouts Irwin, seeing the river of magma burn towards him. ”Shit!” he swears for only about the second time this chapter! Shocked into action, he leaps through the double doors and turns quickly to jam them shut with a nearby length of wood.
”Stevo?” comes a distinctive voice in the darkness. ”Is that you?”
”Yeah mate, it is, Paul. I wouldn’t go out there just yet, there’s some kind of bleeding magma river burning right through the bloody subway station.”
“Bloody hell. Is Archimedes all right?”
“Oh yeah, he’ll be fine, he’s got a pair of sandals, mate. How about you, you ok?”
“Er yeah Steve, I was until the lights went out. You know mate, I think you just locked us in Miaow’s antechamber with a Bearded bloody Land Octopus. And there’s a bloody stingray infested moat halfway between us and it!”
“Oh crikey mate. Shit. Those things can be very dang-”
“-erous when handled incorrectly?”
“Er. Yeah Paul. Something like that. Crikey. Have you seen a film crew round here somewhere mate? Perhaps they’ll have some lights.”
… … … … … …
Meanwhile, back in the monorail station again, Archimedes floats along on a tide of burning magma which is destroying all before it!
”Thank the gods I brought my sandals!” he thinks aloud, barely able to see in the orange glow.
An awful explosion bursts next to his right ear!
The monorail has been struck down!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
The Power of Gentle Loving! The Communist Officer has been moved to tears!
The subway tunnel is filling with lava!
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: kisame12794 on March 08, 2012, 06:55:25 pm
Post by: Toaster on March 08, 2012, 07:52:19 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 09, 2012, 01:27:07 am
Post by: Toaster on March 09, 2012, 09:00:18 am
Splint my arm, then attempt to make it back to the group via the non-smouldering door.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 09, 2012, 10:21:20 am
"Once I went to the store
The communist pet store
Checked out some pets
'Buy this one, let's'
And then walked out the door
Nowadays I'm pretty well known
As the one guy down the road who's
Just a little weird
Nowadays I'm pretty well known
As the one guy down the road whose
Octopus has a beard!
Oh, oh
My octopus has a beard
Oh, oh
Everyone thinks I'm weird
Oh, oh
I'm well-known and well-feared
Oh, oh
'Cause my octopus has a beard!"
Paul McCartney attempted to leap the moat and subdue the octopus with his poorly-thought-out song. If it works, he attempts to run past it and to the main chambers!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 09, 2012, 11:07:35 am
Post by: Talarion on March 09, 2012, 03:04:19 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 10, 2012, 06:56:31 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN SIXTEEN
Splint my arm, then attempt to make it back to the group via the non-smouldering door.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Boone, I think we may be in a pickle here," correctly observes Davy Crockett. ”We need to find some other way out of this pitch black room, but I have a bad feeling about it. Yessir.”
Scrabbling out in the dark for some kind of communist remains that he might be able to use to splint up his arm, Davy suddenly grabs a hold of something that feels just about right. It feels exactly arm sized! It feels exactly arm shaped! He gives it a sharp hard tug.
...His arm comes clean off!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severed Left Arm!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Heavy Left Arm Stump Bleeding!
”Tarnation,” the King of the Wild Frontier rather accurately summarises. ”Well Boone, since the first aid didn't go so well, let's see how well leaving this room and finding our comrades goes!”
Struggling up in the darkness, Davy Crockett gets to his feet and sprints in the direction he came. ...He smacks his head straight off a nearby wall!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Heavy Head Bruising!
Paul McCartney attempted to leap the moat and subdue the octopus with his poorly-thought-out song. If it works, he attempts to run past it and to the main chambers!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Hum... I might have time for a quick tune. Come on, Stevo, hop over the moat with me! I'll strum us a little tune to distract the octopus!"
Once I went to the store
The communist pet store
Checked out some pets
'Buy this one, let's'
And then walked out the door
Nowadays I'm pretty well known
As the one guy down the road who's
Just a little weird
Nowadays I'm pretty well known
As the one guy down the road whose
Octopus has a beard!
Oh, oh
My octopus has a beard
Oh, oh
Everyone thinks I'm weird
Oh, oh
I'm well-known and well-feared
Oh, oh
'Cause my octopus has a beard!
Singing his mystical minstrel melody, Paul aims his acoustic guitar at where he could last make out the monstrous mollusc! Has he distracted it? Nobody knows! It's as dark as night! He runs forwards, jumping as majestically as he can the moment he spots the malicious glint of the stingray eyes circling in the murderous moat.
He leaps!
He flies!
He lands, and suddenly realises he has come face to face with the repulsive bearded land octopus!
No!
Worse! He is face to belly with the bearded land octopus! The big, slimy, slightly bearded belly!
(http://tnypic.net/b5492.png)
Luckily for the Last Beatle, ...the octopus seems to be distracted! He ducks and dives and rolls between its legs, jabbing sharply upwards with his guitar as he goes and bursting on through to the other side. Beyond he can see the faint glow of light escaping from under a doorway!
Stay away from the stingrays.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Oh, Blimey Mate... those are stingrays... Crikey! Bleedin' hell..."
Even in the pitch blackness of a communist pyramid-style lair with no working generators, the special sixth sense of Steve “Stevo” Irwin can detect the terrifying presence of a moatful of stingrays, mate!
”Shit!”
He knows that his reptile-takedown-focused survival skills are no match for a ravenous horde of stingrays: his only option is to avoid the damn things!
”Miaow or no Miaow, I can't stand those nasty buggers,” he decides, ”I'm gettin' right bleedin' out of here faster'n an Aussie can say 'Crikey mate'. Oh crap, Paul? Where the hell you going fella? Crikey mate!”
Suddenly the reassuring strumming of Paul and his lovely guitar fade away into the ether, and his cheeky but charming Scouse accent disappears into the distance!
Stevo takes a few steps backwards, ...and then runs straight forwards into the awful wet moat of terror! He can feel some kind of horrible presence about him!
Look and see what's wrong with the generator room. Surely there's nothing dangerous about entering it together with a river of magma. Help Davy Crocket if I get there.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes walks across the slowly flowing river of magma for no particular reason, heading for the door he can vaguely make out in the hellish orange glow, ...yanking it open and peering into the gloom within. As the magma spreads into the newly revealed generator room, the Greek philosopher can just about see the form of Davy Crockett with his tell-tale raccoon skin hat and crocodile head foot. He seems to be slumped unconscious against a wall!
Archimedes wanders over to him, but steps on something squishy! He stumbles! He slips! Probably thanks to the amazing powers of his asbestos mountain-sandals, he keeps his balance, and bends down to pick up the offending object.
...It seems to be a left arm!
Carrying on over to Davy Crockett's inert and crumpled body, Archimedes bends both knees as he leans in to grab a secure hold of his companion. He keeps his back straight! He straightens his legs! He lifts Davy Crockett and Boone across his shoulder, and strolls nonchalantly out of the now rapidly-filling-with-magma room!
”My friend,” starts the Greek, holding an arm in his hand and addressing the gradually stirring frontiersman, ”Is this yours?”
Suddenly an almighty vibration shakes the communist lair from head to toe. A great humming occurs! A fetid yellow light suddenly floods the entire pyramid: the emergency lighting has been activated! In front of Paul McCartney the vast metal door before him suddenly and dramatically swings open.
”Oh Jesus,” Paul casually blasphemes, ”Half chair. Half man. Half Miaow.”
(http://tnypic.net/baa65.png)
”Shit.”
Suddenly he hears a panicked scream of pure terror fill the air behind him! The moatroom is illuminated, and Stevo finds himself face to face with a terrible foe in its natural environment! The bearded land octopus – unbalanced by the ducking, diving and jabbing Last Beatle – has rolled into the moat with Stevo! It's almost as if he's trying to give the brave young Aussie a nice kiss!
(http://tnypic.net/b5492.png)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on March 10, 2012, 09:42:31 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 11, 2012, 05:21:43 am
Onward to the Stingray filled moat
Post by: Toaster on March 11, 2012, 06:59:29 am
Using Arch's shoulder as a prop, shoot at any threatening targets with the rifle.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 11, 2012, 07:03:39 am
"This isn't my day. I think I need to shoot something."I'm not threathening. DOn't shoot me.
Using Arch's shoulder as a prop, shoot at any threatening targets with the rifle.
Post by: Toaster on March 11, 2012, 07:08:42 am
Post by: freeformschooler on March 11, 2012, 03:09:14 pm
With all his remaining strength, Paul kicks the chair part of Miaow towards the opposite wall of the room!
Post by: Talarion on March 12, 2012, 03:40:29 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 12, 2012, 05:50:00 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN SEVENTEEN
With all his remaining strength, Paul kicks the chair part of Miaow towards the opposite wall of the room!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Paul stops for a moment. In the midst of his rush to finish the mission, he realises it's just him, staring down the evil Miaow one-on-one. Heavy, man. What are my options? Hit Miaow's cat-head with the guitar? No way man, the guitar's too precious. Hmm... half-chair, half-man, half-Miaow... that's it!
Rushing towards the rolling multi-adjustable base of the evil communist dictator, the Last Beatle jumps into a flying kick towards his chair-half, ...and completely misses! He flies past and looks round in terror as ChairMan Miaow’s electronic rocket launchers whir into action and shoot a burst of mini-missiles at the stricken musician.
Thud-thud-thud! Bosh!
...A closely spread volley of doom hits McCartney in the lower body, piercing the skin and tearing the fat and breaking the guts through the finely tailored cotton shirt! McCartney is thrown backwards several feet, sprawling against a nearby wall!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Broken Guts!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Bleeding Guts!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Bleeding Gut Fat!
Advancing towards the Last Beatle, ChairMan Miaow's red laser eyes begin to activate, heating to a thousand degrees and cutting a sharp gash through the concrete floor between McCartney's legs! McCartney is transfixed! He appears quite doomed! The laser is fast approaching!
(http://tnypic.net/baa65.png)
“Hahahahah, Mr McCartney! So you thought you would be able to have children, huh?! Hahahhaahah! Hahahahaa!”
Outofthemoat. As fast as possible! Pretend there's a crocodile out of the moat that I have to tackle, if need be!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Some distance behind Paul McCartney's deadly duel with Miaow, Stevo is floundering desperately in the moat, confronted by the terrible Bearded Land Octopus in its natural habitat. ...Imagining, in his terror, that a herd of wildercrocobeasts is galloping towards him, he propels himself upwards and outwards, flying out of the moat like a flying fish escaping the Southern Sea!
“Crikey mate!” he warcries, bounding towards the herd of wildercrocobeasts and landing nimbly on his feet. “What beauties!”
(http://tnypic.net/17786.png)
Suddenly Stevo hears a voice cry out from behind him.
“Mr Irwin!! I say! Watch out sir! Blast, he doesn't seem to understand.”
“Here, let me try Arch. Eh! Stevo! Watch it, mate! Crikey, he's right behind you fella!”
Steve Irwin turns round. The Bearded Land Octopus has followed him out of the moat! His slimy hands are reaching out to grasp the flying Australian!
(http://tnypic.net/b5492.png)
Onward to the Stingray filled moat
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes carefully carries Davy Crockett, who is slowly coming round and clearly in a bit of a funk, as they used to say, trying to give Boone as little opportunity as possible for a quick nibble of any of his limbs. There isn't, the wise scientist knows, much time – the bowienauts have got to get the job done and themselves out before the entire communist pyramid fills with solidified and deadly sharp volcanic glass! Even Archimedes' sandals will probably be no match for the sharpness of solid magma!
...Stuffing Crockett's arm into one of his many pockets, the Greek stumbles out through the doorway, crossing the magma covered subway line before bursting into the moat-filled antechamber.
Using Arch's shoulder as a prop, shoot at any threatening targets with the rifle.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Davy Crockett is pissed! Nothing is going right today: he bust his face, he bust his foot, he pulled his arm off, and now a darned ancient Greek philosopher is carrying him across a subway filled with burning magma into a room filled with angry stingrays!
"This isn't my day. If only I were back at the damned Alamo. I think I need to shoot something. Holy crap! A Bearded Land Octopus! It's about to grab poor Stevo!"
“Mr Crockett, we need to do something! But there's a moatful of deadly stingrays between us and that awful eight-legged communist yet pleasingly symmetrical fiend! Mr Irwin!! I say! Watch out sir! Blast, he doesn't seem to understand.”
“Here, let me try, Arch,” interrupts Crockett. “Eh! Stevo! Watch it, mate! Crikey, he's right behind you fella! You see, Archimedes, you just have to know the lingo mate – Australian's a very particular dialect, very dangerous if handled incorrectly. Oh tarnation! Too slow! He's grabbing Stevo by the legs! He's swinging the poor chap round in the air! Oh good Lord, this is awful! His eyes are going to fly out if we don't do something! Oh, my word, he's being sick! Here, Archimedes, put me down and hold still for a second. I'm gonna take this sucker out!”
(http://tnypic.net/b5492.png)
Davy Crockett unholsters his rifle, stuffs a cartridge down the barrel and thrusts the ramrod down, swings the gun about his trigger finger and brings the business end to a rest upon Archimedes of Syracuse's shoulder.
Bam!
Ooh, perhaps that should be in bold. It is Davy Crockett, after all.
Bam!
...The octopus's head explodes in a gory shower of molluscular gristle! The moatroom is filled with the slimy remnants of repulsive guts and slimy skin and unkempt beard! Escaping from the evil rotating communist grip, Stevo goes flying through the air at considerable speed.
He smashes head first into the back of ChairMan Miaow! The communist leader spins round in a fuzzle, laser still activated as his head is jolted from top to bottom, spinning round and round and round on his Office 2000 patented wheels, burning white hot marks of death up and down the walls of his lavishly decorated private lair, before finally bursting up to the ceiling and burning a hole through his expensive Regency chandeliers! The central chandelier crashes down!
It crashes down upon Miaow's head!
(http://tnypic.net/baa65.png)
He appears to be lightly stunned!
Wound Acquired ChairMan Miaow: Severely Bruised Head!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on March 12, 2012, 06:24:39 pm
Post by: Toaster on March 12, 2012, 07:28:04 pm
Post by: Toaster on March 12, 2012, 10:47:47 pm
OHIO LEAP over to Miaow! Stab him right in the little part of his chair that connects the seats to the central support while Boone eats his face!
Yes, that requires landing upside-down.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 12, 2012, 11:09:15 pm
Paul McCartney, determined to lead his companions to victory as quickly as possible, attempts to disable Miaow's defense system by strumming pure love!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 13, 2012, 10:57:54 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 14, 2012, 07:07:04 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN EIGHTEEN
Paul McCartney, determined to lead his companions to victory as quickly as possible, attempts to disable Miaow's defense system by strumming pure love!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh... blast, he shot me right in the gut. The gut, man! I'll show him!"
Paul McCartney is lying bleeding on the floor, struck down by the ferocious firepower of the communist Miaow, whose overactive laser glands are shooting wildly about his private lair. The Last Beatle decides to unleash his precious guitar, and quickly brings it up to his chest and into action.
He strums a C!
He strums a G minor!
He strums ChairMan Miaow’s favourite chord!
(http://tnypic.net/baa65.png)
...ChairMan Miaow is quite moved: but not to tears! He fights back the flood of emotion; he resists the memories of his many wives! His laser eyes waver! They lose focus!
Jump orwalkstride over the stingray moat towards Chiarman Miaow. Multiply that.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Fear not, brave McCartney: the cavalry is arriving! Using the mighty power of his sandals to levitate across the stingray moat, Archimedes of Syracuse floats across the deadly ditch, ignoring the herd of wilderdiles and waving his hand of mystical mathematics in the air in strange and fearsomely incomprehensible symbols.
...Strange grids and plotlines seem to fill the air and crackle with burning yet invisible electricity as the space of the room is laid out like a graph, clear for all good liberal capitalists to see and be guided by.
”Lads!” shouts Archimedes, ”Get'im lads! Smash his face in! Kick his teeth out! Rip his eyes apart!”
OHIO LEAP over to Miaow! Stab him right in the little part of his chair that connects the seats to the central support while Boone eats his face!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”Hmm…” thinks Crockett, before reaching a conclusion: ”Hyaaaahh!!”
"For the ALAMO!" he cries, as he leaps stupendously through the air at the leader of Catmunist China, half-somersaulting as he goes and whipping out his bowie knife. Inspired by his comrade Archimedes, he does some quick mid-air mental calculation: the best plan of attack would be to knife Miaow in the chair and simultaneously eat him in the face! Whilst landing on his head! Because he’s only got one non-severed arm! And he’s got to hold the knife somehow!
...Davy Crockett finishes his pirouetting communist-defying death move and slams his razor sharp bowie knife into Miaow’s chair-part, and his own head into the ground! ...The knife thrusts in a screech of grinding metal and a shower of sparking electricity, slicing the chair leg and fracturing the central support! Miaow begins to creak unsteadily from one side to another!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Heavier Head Bruising!
Suddenly Boone appears in Miaow’s face, gnashing and chewing ...but to little effect, merely tearing clumps of communist hair out before spitting it disgustedly upon the floor. It tastes of violent oppression! Miaow bites him back and slashes his claws at the crocko-foot’s poor beady little eyes, ...but Boone dodges backwards as Miaow misses completely, and both Crockett and his foot-chum are sent crashing to the floor several feet away from the evil overlord. His rockets start whirring up ready to fire!
Flying Emu Tackle Chairman Miaow, and hold him in a FULL NELSON! The ultimate form of grappling known to Aussie-kind!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Crikey! I thought that beauty had me there for a tick... "
Witnessing the deadly foot-to-face struggle taking place between his natural ally Boone and the evil Miaow, Steve Irwin literally flies into action!
”I’ve gotta do something before those damn missiles hit! I know! FLYING EMU CROCODILE TAKEDOWN!” he shouts as he jumps up and soars gracefully through the air like a flying emu. ”Crikey mate!”
(http://tnypic.net/baa65.png)
...Irwin lands a perfect Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move on the reeling Miaow, battering him to the floor and smashing the fractured chair support in two! Stevo has landed with both missile launchers secured beneath his manly Australian arms, Full Anti Missile Nelson style, and is struggling viciously with the commie despot on the floor as he mewls and miaows and thrashes about trying to throw off the Aussie croc-wrangler. Alas! The Miaowist missiles have started up, and they can’t be stopped!
One chair arm mounted rocket launcher fires a burst up into the air. They fall straight back down, smashing into Steve Irwin’s arms! The left arm is torn! The right arm is fractured! As another salvo of rockets shoots wildly upwards towards the ceiling, the Full Nelson is broken!
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Fractured Right Arm!
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Broken Full Nelson!
Miaow wriggles free and rolls across the room: right into the path of the descending rockets! They tear the fur and damage the jacket! ...They totally pulverise what’s left of ChairMan Miaow’s chair, leaving him nothing but a bleeding half-man half-cat monstrosity!
Miaow looks pretty pissed, and stares with (literally!) burning anger at Archimedes as he claws his way painfully across the lavishly decorated floor of his private lair, but the Greek is filled with the power of wrathematics, and equipped with the Sandals of The Tyrants’ Doom!
As the terrible twin lasers of Chairman Miaow shoot communistly across the expanse of his private lair, ...Archimedes of Syracuse instinctively lifts his right foot, and shields himself from the blast.
His sandal reflects the terrifying twin lasers right back at the Communist leader!
The lasers short-circuit in Miaow's eyes, and his face bursts apart!
ChairMan Miaow, Communistic Despotic Leader of Catmunist China, Half-Chair, Half-Man, Half-Miaow is struck down!
Unsurprisingly enough, the Magnificent Timelord’s magnificent voice suddenly comes through on comms to interrupt the high-fiving historical heroes.
”Er. Hello chaps. How’s it going man? Our scientists back here have noticed a sudden drop in the readings on the Magnificent Evilometer, what’s going on? You taken out Miaow?”
“Er… we er… yes boss. Miaow’s down. Heading for extraction.”
“Ok guys, good work. You sure it’s him? You sure he’s dead? You make sure and you take a nice photo too, dudes. We need proof. Now, you guys get your arses out of there quick sharp. The bowiecopter’s on its way to the LZ and I reckon you got no more than two minutes. You’re gonna meet some resistance out there and the longer you take the more there’ll be. Get moving!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
+1 maths bonus to all attack rolls!
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 14, 2012, 07:45:38 am
ANyway turn actions
Set up a temporary field hospital(Ie share the medkit) and begin treating the wounded. Make sure to break it up before the magma/wildecrocos/ any communistic fauna(or flora) enters the room. If there's time loot one of rocket chair arms. Also, give the Davy crocket his arm back.
Post by: Toaster on March 14, 2012, 08:39:56 am
Scalp Miaow for future commie-skin cap making. Patch up at the Field Hospital.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 14, 2012, 08:41:12 am
Post by: Toaster on March 14, 2012, 08:48:39 am
Post by: freeformschooler on March 14, 2012, 03:32:01 pm
Paul quickly surveyed his surroundings for any sort of Miaow-built "emergency exit". If he did not find one, he headed out the way he came!
Post by: Zako on March 14, 2012, 07:51:35 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on March 14, 2012, 07:54:54 pm
Post by: Talarion on March 15, 2012, 03:05:41 am
Get patching up from Archimedes, look around for my film crew to get a picture/footage of DeadMan Miaow, then find a way out!
Post by: lawastooshort on March 16, 2012, 08:19:02 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN NINETEEN
Paul quickly surveyed his surroundings for any sort of Miaow-built "emergency exit".
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Seeing Archimedes get out his first aid kit and spread some plasters on the floor and approach him to stifle his heavy bleeding, Paul McCartney panics.
"There's no time, Archimedes! We can get patched up back in the Bowiecopter! Come on, everyone, there’s a secret escape tunnel just here!"
...McCartney dashes desperately towards the secret escape hole, and dives in head first, narrowly avoiding smashing his head on a large rock, but instead landing on his bleeding stomach. He smashes his guts again!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Fractured Guts!
Suddenly some kind of rocket launcher falls down the hole, smashing the Beatle in the head!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Slightly Bruised Head!
Set up a temporary field hospital (Ie share the medkit) and begin treating the wounded. Make sure to break it up before the magma/wildercrocos/ any communistic fauna(or flora) enters the room. If there's time loot one of rocket chair arms. Also, give the Davy crocket his arm back.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes starts setting out his first aid kit on the floor to quickly treat the many dying and wounded that are spraying blood all about him, but as soon as he turns to his musical companion Paul, the Last Beatle flees straight from him, jumping into a nearby ten foot deep hole! Instead he turns to the Aussie Croc Wrestler and quickly assesses the damage.
”Stevo. Your eye. It is broken. But I calculate that it is more important to fix your arm. It looks a bit fractured – I’ll see what I can do for now, but you should really get it looked at by a physician when we get out of here. Now, roll your sleeve up and look away. I have an ancient Greek trick. It will probably still take a few minutes before you get any movement out of it though.”
...Whist Irwin looks away, Archimedes applies first a long roll of bandages, and then his Greek trick. It appears to be working! Stevo’s arm is well on the way to recovery!
Suddenly Stevo breaks off from talking to his film crew whilst Archimedes finishes off.
”Hey, Archimedes? What the hell? My arm’s all warm and damp, man, what exactly are you doing with it? Is that blood?”
”Er no. Not exactly. Hey! I said to look away! Hey! Ooh! Chair arm mounted rocket launchers! Perhaps I could…”
...The philosopher ignores the protesting Irwin and darts over to where one of Miaow’s rocket launchers is lying on the floor of his private lair, but he trips on his sandal strap and goes flying! As he struggles to regain his footing he kicks the rocket launcher down a nearby hole!
Scalp Miaow for future commie-skin cap making. Patch up at the Field Hospital.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Meanwhile, Davy Crockett is busy scalping Miaow to make a commie-skin cap – ...but he slips and slices off the whole face! It seems to be a perfect fit, and he can’t help himself but try it on! It’s terribly cosy! Oh, hang on. Blast! He can’t seem to manage to pull it back off!
”Oh tarnation. I think I need some kind of surgical intervention, Archimedes. Blast! My face is covered in Miaow!”
Item Acquired! Davy Crockett: Miaowskin-facehat
”I’m afraid I can’t do anything for you with the tools I have here, Mr Crockett – not for your face nor for your arm. Here though,” says Archimedes, tossing Davy’s fractured severed arm to him, ”You could try taping it back on, perhaps? I am not fully conversant with the properties and usages of modern duct tape.”
Davy Crockett attempts to duct tape his severed arm back into place. ...Amazingly he fails! Blood continues to spurt forth from his arm!
Get patching up from Archimedes, look around for my film crew to get a picture/footage of DeadMan Miaow, then find a way out!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Whilst Archimedes patches up his all-important wrestling arm, Stevo stands impatiently and looks this way and that for his film crew. Just as the Greek tells him to look away, he spots them filming a rare creature in the corner!
”Hey, guys? Could you come over here and take some photographic evidence of this beauty’s demise? Um, try not to concentrate too much on the brutalised face and scalp area, yeah? Hey, Archimedes? What the hell? My arm’s all warm and damp, man, what exactly are you doing with it? Is that blood?”
”Er no. Not exactly. Hey! I said to look away! Hey!”
”Oh Jesus, Archimedes! What the hell! That only bloody works with jellyfish dude! Ah man. That’s disgusti – oh wait! My arm seems to be regaining some of its original movement! Crikey mate, that’s amazing!”
...To clear his mind Irwin starts looking about for a way out when the camera man hands him a Polaroid.
(http://tnypic.net/3c0a6.png)
Staring closely at the gory picture, Stevo puts it carefully in his pocket before listening to what the camera man’s still talking about.
”…and, whoa, man, there’s stingrays still there in the moat and quite a few wildercrocobeastdiles just kinda hanging around, but all that flowing magma which was giving us such a problem with the image quality inside the tunnel seems to have washed away, Steve! I reckon we’ll be able to head right back out through the subway tunnel in no time! Oh, god Stevo, what’s wrong with your arm mate? It stinks. Crikey.”
”Hang on mate. A few wildercrocobeastdiles? Just kinda hanging around? You mean in addition to those four charging straight at us mate?”
”Oh, no. I think it’s just those four. They were just kinda hanging around, but Joe here poked ‘em with a stick a bit, y’know, to get ‘em really riled, like you do, for a better picture? Y’know? I guess he hasn’t quite got the knack yet. He must’ve poked ‘em a bit too hard. Yeah, it’s definitely just those four wilderdilocrocs. Just those ones charging straight at us.”
”Oh crikey mate, they look really riled!”
(http://tnypic.net/17786.png)(http://tnypic.net/17786.png)(http://tnypic.net/17786.png)(http://tnypic.net/17786.png)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 16, 2012, 08:27:09 am
"It may be the blood loss, but I feel like a fight!"
Charge the wildocrocwhatevers and stab/bite them!
Post by: freeformschooler on March 16, 2012, 08:27:32 am
Paul McCartney grabs the rocket launcher and attempts to head through the secret escape hole again. If he encounters any solid walls blocking his path, he destroys them with rockets!
Post by: Zako on March 16, 2012, 08:42:48 am
Post by: freeformschooler on March 16, 2012, 08:51:41 am
Paul McCartney continues traversing the hole, blowing up any impeding walls if necessary!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 16, 2012, 05:05:23 pm
Outta here, into the Tube. Try to avoid the London underground.
Post by: Talarion on March 17, 2012, 04:07:15 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 20, 2012, 07:45:40 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY
Archimedes signals his friends to follow, then jumps into the tube.
Outta here, into the Tube. Try to avoid the London underground.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Heeding the Timelord’s Magnificent warning, Archimedes rushes past his friends out of the private lair and towards the monorail subway, signalling for them to follow.
...He’s almost dodged past the incoming crocobeasts when one of them suddenly turns to snap at his leg! Archimedes sidesteps the blow, ...but then the wilderdile headbutts him over and kicks him in the arm with his evil communist hoof! Archimedes feels his left arm snap as he crashes to the ground!
Wound Acquired! Archimedes of Syracuse: Fractured Left Arm!
Charge the wildocrocwhatevers and stab/bite them!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"It may be the blood loss, but I feel like a fight!" shouts Davy Crockett, suddenly getting flashbacks of the wild frontier. ”Or it may be seeing my friends get cut down like grazing gazelles on the prairies! I’m comin’, ol’ Archimedes!”
...Crockett charges the crocobeasts, sprinting to Archimedes’s rescue, brandishing his bowie knife like some kind of one-armed knife-man as blood spurts from his shoulder stump. He leaps heroically croco-foot first into the melee: ...Boone misses with his first vicious bite, so Davy brings his blade crashing down into the crocobeast’s skull! ...The skull is smashed to pieces! The brain is severed! A tendon in the skull is split! The wilderdile is struck down!
In his blood-fury, Crockett picks up the severed but still beating brain, and lifts it to his gnarly fangs, taking a gory bite! He sheathes his knife and hurls the savaged brain at the nearest wildercroc, ...knocking it unconscious before he runs over and curbstomps it to smithereens! Boone starts eating the wilderdile’s legs, tearing one off and waving it violently about in his blood-dripping jaws! The nearest living crocobeast retches in panic!
Help Crockett with the fight!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Steve Irwin sees the democratic carnage Junior Bowienaut Crockett is vengefully dealing out to the crocobeasts, and feels totally riled, mate! His eyes glaze over with a look of fury! ...A look of blood-fury!
Ignoring his fractured arm, Stevo sprints forward a few paces before launching himself through the air, flying into the retching crocobeast ...and getting its head in a chokehold with his left arm, whilst using his makeshift right arm bandage to knock the critter into submission! He tries his best to merely subdue the beauty, but in his rage he smashes his fractured arm right through the retching beast’s face! The nose is severed! The tongue is torn! The cheeks are broken and pierce the skull, tearing the brain! The crocobeast is struck down! Steve Irwin is covered in croco-vomit!
… … … … … …
Whilst the remaining wilderdile flees in terror, Archimedes struggles to his feet, and then carries on dashing into the subway, leaping athletically over the stingray moat before treading gingerly out onto the solidified volcanic glass that fills the tunnel. It’s quite sharp! The other two follow as soon as Stevo can drag Davy and Boone away from their corpse mutilation session: Davy’s face and head are covered in blood and brains!
Suddenly an enormous explosion rocks the entire building!
”Holy crap fellas!” cries Stevo, ”Earthquake! Duck and cover, mate! Oh crikey!”
Paul McCartney grabs the rocket launcher and attempts to head through the secret escape hole again. If he encounters any solid walls blocking his path, he destroys them with rockets!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh, crikey... did I just say crikey? Stevo's rubbing off on me.” says Paul McCartney, to himself. ”There's no time to take down the crocodiles either!"
Standing back as far as he can in his tiny hole, he flips Miaow’s rocket launcher to the setting that seems to say, in rather poor English, Maximum Death Boom, before pointing it in the direction he thinks must be the exit.
...A flashing salvo of over two dozen rockets shoot forth from the rocket launcher, pulverising everything in their path, blasting a perfect man-sized tunnel through the side of the ancient communist pyramid! The burning back blast knocks McCartney backwards, burning his face and severely cauterising his wounds, sending a pile of rubble tumbling over his limbs, smashing his legs and breaking his arm!
As the dust and debris settles, McCartney can make out a ray of light several hundred metres in the distance!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Fractured Right Leg!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Broken Right Arm!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Cauterised Guts!
… … … … … …
An alarm beep sounds three times on the neurocomms interlink, before the voice of His Magnificent Bowieness breaks through the static.
”Er, guys? Did anyone activate the pyramid’s self-destruct button by accident? No? Freaky. Our scientists have detected a sudden severe decrease in structural integrity, and estimate that the building is approximately three minutes from total collapse. I suggest you get out of there immediately, and I strongly suggest we change the extraction point. The roof isn’t going to be much use soon. Mick, patch me through to the bowiecopter doublequick. Dudes, like, the extraction point will now be in front of the commie pyramid rather than on top. You copy? Oh hey, I’ve got Marcus on line two. Timelord over and out.”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Subway map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 20, 2012, 07:54:17 am
Post by: freeformschooler on March 20, 2012, 08:59:15 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 20, 2012, 11:18:05 am
Stride towards the exit. If the piramid threathens to collapse on top of me, or the volcanic glass is too dangerous, use Element magics to propel me forth.( Ie fill the tunnel with water(allowing me too float, don't fill it complelty) then combine air and water behind me to create a warm breeze that will push me towards the exit.
Post by: Talarion on March 21, 2012, 12:31:19 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 21, 2012, 11:53:28 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY ONE
As the crack team of Bowienauts continue to flee the raging inferno inside the communist pyramid, the neural interlink bursts into life, three long beeps signalling the emergency use of the general Bowiemergency frequency.
“Bowiecopter back to Bowie, over. Bowiecopter back to Bowie, come in Bowie?”
“This is the Timelord, over. How’s the situation up there, Marcus?”
“We uh… we’re taking increasingly heavy fire here David… there’s hostiles on the ground, the LZ is swarming, over.”
“How uh… how many hostiles are there man?”
“I’d estimate somewhere between ten and fifteen thousand, over. We’re taking heavy small arms fire but the bowieshields are deflecting everything they can throw at us for the time being.”
“Ok Marcus. Now, you two stay calm up the-“
“Oh I’m calm, David, but I think Vincent is really beginning to freak out, y’know? I’ve gone through the medikit but there don’t seem to be any downers left in there. David, I’m going to have to go off air for a second and take Vince through some controlled breathing exercises, the evasive action is really getting to him and I don’t know how long we can hold out, over…”
Head for the main entrance, doubletime!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Mind swirling with increasing flashbacks of the wars down in Texas, Davy Crockett spins his head round quickly to make a mental roll call of his companions.
“Where’s McCartney?” he yells over the din of rumbling pyramid.
“Huh?”
“I said, where’s McCartney? He never made it out the private lair?”
“I dunno, I haven’t seen the poor fella since he fell down that huge hole, mate.”
“Blast. We should – “
“Friends, we don’t have time. The Timelord’s scientists are most likely right. This structure could go down at any time and if we go back for him we all risk death. As sad as I am to part with my musical companion, we must heed the warnings and leave.”
"Crikey! Well, time to skedaddle, mates!"
“Agreed. Doubletime, lads! Come on!”
...With one last despairing look back towards the stingray moat, Davy Crockett heads down the subway tunnel towards freedom and safety, dodging tumbling concrete pillars and sharp jagged slices of volcanic glass as he runs as fast as he dares.
Suddenly he feels a violent impact knock him to the floor!
Stevo rushes on ahead, hopping like a maddened kangaroo towards the main exit!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Stevo has tears in his eyes as he hops on down the subway tunnel like a maddened kangaroo – suddenly he stops and turns to face his cameraman.
“Ah man! I accidentally killed that rare wilderdile specimen, mate. It’s gonna be years before we get another beauty like that on film! I dunno what happened, y’know?”
“Steve.”
“ There I was, just watching Davy there rip a wilderdile’s brain to shreds with his teeth, and suddenly I was overtaken by this overwhelmingly powerful feeling of rage, mate. Crikey.”
“Steve!”
“ I scare even meself sometimes, I really do. You gotta pity those poor crocs, y’know? They don’t stand a chance.”
“STEVE! Get a bloody move on fella, the whole place is crumbling round our ears mate! There’s no bloody time for pieces to camera yet! Besides, mate, the lighting in here’s rubbish, we’re gonna have to reshoot that when we get outside, OK? Now, help me carry this bloody tripod.”
...Stevo picks up the tripod and lumbers onwards to the main exit, dodging the falling rocks and flying bricks as he goes.
Suddenly the tripod goes flying as he feels a violent impact knock him to his knees!
Stride towards the exit. If the pyramid threatens to collapse on top of me, or the volcanic glass is too dangerous, use Element magics to propel me forth.( Ie fill the tunnel with water(allowing me to float, don't fill it completely) then combine air and water behind me to create a warm breeze that will push me towards the exit.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes of Syracuse strides calmly towards the exit on the west of the pyramid as his two remaining companions flee before him. ...Suddenly he sees an interesting inscription on the wall! It looks like some esoteric mathemagical formula, scribed upon the very living rock itself to be guarded for all time!
“I must take careful note of this!” he thinks, stopping before the inscription. “These caverns could remain unexplored for centuries after their demise. I must take a closer look, for the good of science!”
Archimedes peers closer, thoughtfully stroking his beard.
Spoiler: Peer closer (click to show/hide)
“Hmm.”
Suddenly he shrugs and realises he has tarried too long, and the pyramid is threatening to collapse on top of him!
“Oh blast!” he exclaims. “Blast and bother! Ooh! I know! Water! And air! ...Yes!”
McCartney, despite his condition, makes a mad dash for the exit!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
...Paul ignores his terrible guts and his mashed up limbs and bruised head and scorched skin and dashes madly down the tunnel towards the light! Dragging his fractured leg behind him, he nevertheless makes quite good time until suddenly the pyramid shakes with a massive rumble! The tilt of the floor seems to move, causing Paul to lose his footing and smash facewards to the rubble covered ground!
“Ouch! Damn, man, I’m never going to get me and my guitar out of here if I don’t get a move on. Come on, man, come on! Er. What’s… Is that… Oh gosh. Oh. Oh dear.”
Paul looks over his shoulder to see an enormous tsunami of dirty water powering towards him like a mob of overexcited teenage Beatles fans! Holding onto his guitar for comfort, Paul McCartney is picked up by the wave of mathemagical water and shot down the tunnel at considerable speed, approaching the light like a rabbit approaching a welcoming headlight!
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrg!”
… … … … … …
Suddenly the Last Beatle is propelled out of the pyramid, falling ten feet below into an increasingly wet puddle of mud. With the mathemagical water falling unendingly above him, he looks away from the stricken pyramid to see a fear-inspiring sight!
The bowiecopter is circling the new extraction point, rockets streaking furiously and miniguns showering millions of bullet casings down to earth as over ten thousand communists shoot their Russian-style assault rifles into the air!
(http://tnypic.net/c6ab4.png)
A new stream of water starts pouring over the young musician’s head, suddenly joined by a pouring trio of bowienauts!
“Oh shit, sorry mate! Didn’t see you there under all that dirty water, Paul! Good to see you, mate! Oi! Ouch! Hey, I’m a pretty sensitive fella, don’t fall on me like that!”
“Awful sorry, Stevo. I was just doubletiming down that there tunnel and was suddenly swept away by a wall of rushing water with nary a beaver to surf upon and then I suddenly got shot out onto – “
“I say chaps! Look out below!”
The three bowienauts look up and see Archimedes gently wafting to the ground, robes billowing out and parachuting him gently to safety!
“Oh crikey mate! Didn’t you ancient Greeks invent underwear yet? Jesus, mate!”
“Underwear?”
… … … … … …
The reunited bowienauts’ gentle banter is interrupted by the violent explosions of rocket propelled grenades shooting off into the sky, echoing loudly above the massed small arms fire. Smoke streaks across the war torn landscape, a hundred plumes of deceptively slow missiles waddling uncertainly towards the sparkling bowiecopter.
A moment of silence descends across the battlefield as one hits its target and the bowiecopter’s tail shatters fragments of bowieminium across the sky.
… … … … … …
The silence is burst apart as the neurocomm interlink crackles into startled life inside the bowienauts’ heads! It’s the mellifluous tones of the co-pilot!
“Uh. Bowie? We’ve uh… we’ve taken a hit, over.”
“A hit? While you’re in the ai – Oh, you mean – oh, I see. Does it look bad?”
“Well… we’ve lost rear rotor control, we're down to sequin-level shields, and we’re steadily losing altitude, over.”
“Ok. Well, Vince, you try to bring her down safely. Try and get somewhere near the ground team, man. Marcus, keep those guns spinning dude, and just try to keep Vincey from freaking out, ok? Oh dude. Heavy.”
“Roger that David. Vince, keep breathing man. We can make this. Remember your training. We’re gonna bring this bird down right on top of the ground team and the search and rescue are gonna get us out of here in time for tea and courtesans. Don’t you worry! Hey! Vince! What the blazes man? That’s the only blasted parachute!”
More than a mile away from them, the ground team spy the tiny figure of Vincent van Gogh tumbling out of the bowiecopter with the only parachute!
“Bloody hell David. Vincent’s jumped out the bloody pilot’s seat. I knew he wasn’t bloody ready. I should’ve listened! I just had too much damn faith in the boy. Oh well. Best land this bloody thing I suppose. David, I’m switching over to the pilot’s seat and I’m taking this baby down! Watch out ground team, you’re about to witness the Pi-“
“Yeah, that’s enough Marcus. Ground team, head directly to the crash site and we’ll get you out of there as soon as we can, over.”
(http://tnypic.net/a2a92.png)
The bowienauts watch in horror as the bowiecopter slowmotions to the ground, crashing with a sickening impact some hundred metres to the north!
“This uh… This is the Magnificent Timelord on the general bowiemergency frequency. All area CSAR units to scramble, destination location Alpha Charlie Zulu. We got a bowiecopter down. I repeat: we got a bowiecopter down, over.”
Spoiler: Less Detailed Map Than Last Time (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 21, 2012, 12:11:24 pm
Head off to the crash site while staunching the bleeding.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 21, 2012, 12:50:45 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on March 21, 2012, 03:06:26 pm
Paul begged for Archimedes to heal him as he walked to the crash site.
Post by: monk12 on March 21, 2012, 11:08:19 pm
Post by: Zako on March 21, 2012, 11:10:07 pm
Post by: Talarion on March 21, 2012, 11:45:48 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 22, 2012, 11:54:10 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY TWO
Head off to the crash site while staunching the bleeding.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Somewhere in the depths of China, an overexcited yet hushed voice rings out softly amongst the cacophony of heavily armed communists in the jungle.
“So, what we have here mates is yer atypical nineteenth century American frontiersman heading towards a crash site – this particular specimen is known as a Davy. He’s quite a feisty fella! Alright Davy! How’s it going, mate?”
"So much for the ride out. Good thing I can keep you boys just fine in the forest, right?"
“Er, yeah, nice one, mate.” Stevo turns to his cameraman, speaking directly into the camera. “Now, you might have noticed that this little critter has taken quite a nasty wound to his left arm. You all probably know by now that I have quite a strict policy of non-intervention in the ways of mother nature, unless there’s any croc-wrestlin’ to be done, so we’re just gonna take a back seat here and I’m gonna talk you through what you can see as this magnificent bowienaut struggles vainly to repair his atrocious injury.”
The cameraman zooms in as Davy Crockett takes cover crouching from the ricocheting bullets behind a fallen tree stump, ripping off part of his shirt to fashion a makeshift bandage.
“Now, you can see that the fully grown Davy is gripping the bandage particularly tight between his teeth as he pulls it taut with his remaining arm – terribly wounded frontiersmen tend to do this quite often in the wild, it’s a primitive means of staunching the blood loss. Oh, absolutely gorgeous. Look at that! He’s successfully stopped the flow of blood, and it looks like he’s going for the full fix! Oh, that’s lovely to see. Oh, hang on a sec, mate. Oh, crikey.”
The cameraman briefly switches back to Steve Irwin as he speaks to camera.
“Now, of course, we can’t intervene in this kind of scenario ‘cause we’d be mucking up the course of nature, y’know? But this little ripper seems to be so affected by the blood loss that he isn’t doing this quite right. If he keeps trying to attach the severed limb like that he’s likely to dislocate his shoulder or aggravate the bleeding – or worse! Oh crikey, this is terrible to see, mates! Oh Jesus! Thank God for twentieth century medicine, eh fellas? Thank God we’ve since learnt that brute force isn’t the first method to turn to in the field of limb reattachment, eh?”
...The camera turns back to Davy’s severed arm stump before suddenly slumping to the ground. From off camera comes the sound of violent cameraman retching!
“Oh, crikey! That’s disgusting mate! Oh my God! In all my years of covering the wonders of nature I can’t remember the last time I saw something so repulsive! Oh Jesus, is that his liver?”
New Appendage Acquired! Davy Crockett: Armface!
To the crash site. Take some distance from the collapsing pyramid. Patch up Paul
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Oh dear God… Well fellas, we need some kind of light relief now after that distressing scene, and luckily I’ve got some just for you! This is a real treat! Just take a look at this beauty! I’m gonna see if I can catch up with him and take a closer look!”
The camera pans over to Archimedes of Syracuse sprinting past the stricken Crockett, dodging bursts of enemy fire as he ...carries Paul McCartney into battle over his shoulder. Suddenly Stevo comes into picture as he starts running after the pair, briefly turning to the camera to shout some out of breath instructions over the chatter of automatic rifle fire.
“Come on mate, you’re gonna have to pick that up and get moving flat out like a lizard drinking! Crikey, look at him go! Aw man, that’s just adorable!”
The picture shakes repeatedly as Stevo’s manly legs and khaki boots come in and out of the frame until he finally catches up with the running Greek.
“Alright there, Archimedes! D’you mind if I have a quick word mate? I can’t help but notice you’re carrying some kind of Beatle on yer back there? What’s all that about then, eh?”
“It’s… Paul!” huffs the philosopher. “He’s… terribly wounded, and… asked me to pick him up… Watch out!”
Archimedes dives to the ground as an incoming mortar shell explodes a dozen feet away, accidentally dropping McCartney to the mud.
“Oh blast, sorry Paul. Are you OK?”
Paul begged for Archimedes to heal him as he walked to the crash site.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
“Aw man, I hope you at home can appreciate the tender comradeship between these two great heroes, mate! This particular Archimedes here is a great specimen eh, a real gent, crikey!”
...The camera pans over to Paul, lying groaning in pain in the mud.
“No, Archimedes, lad, I said could you patch me up? I’m hurt real bad, I can hardly hold my guitar, man.”
“Oh. I see. I’m sorry, it’s quite hard to hear with all the gunfire. I er… I’ll see what I can do. Sorry about throwing you into the mud, my friend.”
“No, that’s ok mate, thanks. I don’t know how fast I could run with my leg anyway. It feels all, like, fractured and stuff, man.”
“Ok. Well, now, just roll up your sleeve and look away, ok? I’ve got quite an effective traditional ancient Greek folk remedy…”
“Fair dinkum mate, look, I don’t think you can film what’s gonna happen next, fella. Let’s just head on over to the crash site and let the doc do his work, eh?”
Wound Healed! Paul McCartney: Right Arm Unbroken!
To the Crash site.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Now, see, what we have here…”
“Steve, you used that one last time, mate.”
“Oh, really? Fair dinkum! Crikey, well, let’s start this one again, eh? Ready? Now,” says Steve, turning to face the camera as he prowls carefully through the undergrowth, “What we’ve been tracking down today is one of your run of the mill bowiecopter crash sites. They’re very dangerous if handled incorrectly, especially this particular breed, swarming as it is with over ten thousand communists.”
Stevo breaks off his commentary to look round the camera.
“How’s that? That’s enough variety, eh?”
“Perfect Steve, perf – oh crikey, watch out!”
The camera angle changes abruptly to show a close-to-ground shot of some jungle undergrowth as a loud explosion booms close by.
“Shhh! You don’t wanna make too much noise in this particular kind of situation, mate! Any one of these ten thousand communists could just turn round and kill you at any second, just like that! No mate, we’ve got to approach the crash site with a bit more tact than that, y’know? Oh look, here’s Archimedes and Paul. Hey you two, here, follow me – we’re gonna approach this from a pretty cunning angle, OK? We’re gonna get a brilliant shot out of this, I hope, with the burning crash site and thousands of communists with a nice backdrop of burning pyramid. Now, don’t mess this up ‘cause I don’t think we’ll get a second go at it, OK?”
“Right on Steve. You seen Dav- oh, there you are. You OK Davy? Oh good God, what’s happened to you? Jesus, mate. Oh God, that’s disgusting. Is that your liver?”
“I er… yeah. Sorry. What’s that smell, men? Is that you, Paul?”
“Yeah... that’s me… Archimedes thought it would be a funny idea to p-“
“I DIDN’T! IT’S A WELL KNOWN ANCIENT GREEK FOLK REMEDY! By the gods, it bloody worked, didn’t it?”
“Shhhh! Fellas! Crikey mates, quiet down will you? I just said we’re only gonna get one shot at this take, didn’t I? Fair dinkum fella. Crikey. Come on, let’s go. You rolling now mate?”
...The camera shakes up and down briefly as the cameraman nods his agreement, and then the picture cuts back to Steve Irwin crawling like some kind of Australian tiger through the undergrowth. Strands of fern and tall leaves part one by one as the picture moves forward. Every couple of seconds a bullet zips by, tearing through the greenery.
“Oh, crikey. I… I don’t know if I’ve got the words for this. Blimey, what we have here is not in fact your run of the mill bowienaut holding off a thousand communists through sheer bravery and combat skill! My word, this is something else! Are you filming this? Now, it looks like we’ve come round to the back of the crash site here, and we can’t really quite see what’s going on inside the bowiecopter, but there’s quite clearly several dozen communists prone in this small clearing – I’m not sure how many are hiding in the treeline, mind. I’m not quite sure what weapon the stricken pilot is using now, but every time one of those communists pops his head up he goes straight back flat on the floor.”
As the bowienauts creep forwards in the undergrowth an unceasing hail of bullets flows towards the downed bowiecopter, pinging off the damaged chassis but audibly abating each time a barely visible figure pops his head up from cover.
“Crikey mate,” says Stevo, turning away from the camera to address his fellow bowienauts. “We’ve got to make contact with the pilot and get him out of there! He could be in all sorts of danger right there! Come on, let’s go fellas!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 22, 2012, 12:11:27 pm
Is the arm functional? I seem to have lost my -1 to ranged penalty despite the arm still being fractured. Also, shouldn't the stump bleeding be gone?
Good God my health status is a clusterfuck.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 22, 2012, 12:19:34 pm
Paul McCartney attempts to rest up behind tree/foilage cover as his companions be heroes.
Post by: Toaster on March 22, 2012, 12:24:48 pm
You know you want to.
Post by: Zako on March 22, 2012, 12:56:06 pm
Also, lol/horror at armface.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 22, 2012, 01:09:54 pm
Quote
<DigitalHellhound> Ah, lawas is a comic genius.
Post by: Toaster on March 22, 2012, 04:01:58 pm
OHIO LEAP over to the pilot and assist him by rifling away commies.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 22, 2012, 04:10:19 pm
Post by: Talarion on March 22, 2012, 11:55:37 pm
In other words, activate Khaki Shorts, Mate, to reach the pilot safely.
Yknow it's bad when you use potentially useful items for Comedy.
Post by: lawastooshort on March 23, 2012, 06:32:49 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY THREE
Paul McCartney attempts to rest up behind tree/foilage cover as his companions be heroes.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Cover me, men," commands Davy, "I'm going to get him out of trouble!"
"A'ight fella's. Time to go save that downed Bowienaut!" yells Steve Irwin.
"Come on chaps!" shouts Archimedes. "I'll lay down some covering fire and the rest of you rush in there and get him! We can do this, men!"
"Aw man," doubts Paul McCartney. "I can't do no rushing, Archimedes. I'm hurt pretty bad... I've had a hard... day's... adventuring, or something. Dunno, that doesn't sound quite right, but it sounds like it could be a song or something..."
Paul ducks behind a blasted down tree stump for a second, scribbling in his songbook whilst Archimedes readies his AK for the covering fire, forgetting all about his burnt up guts as they start burning instead with the passion of pop!
"Ah man!" he cries, as he slings his guitar over his shoulder and fingers a dramatic chord!
"My guts are burning with the passion of pop, dudes!"
...Before his comrades can stop him, Paul leaps out of cover and onto the toppled tree stump, power-strumming his dramatic chord in a massive arc before the startled communist horde!
It's been a hard day's quest, and I been questing like a dog,
It's been a hard day's quest, I should be sweating like a hog,
But when I get to the LZ, and it swarms with commies,
No I don't feel alright.
"Blimey lads, you know, I might be on to something! Yeah!"
Multiply that and provide supressive fire
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
You know I quest all day, to slay dictators to save the world,
And it's worth it when the Timelord says, you know you've gone and saved the world,
So I'm not gonna moan, 'cause the co-pilot's alone,
In his downed 'copter.
When I'm fighting for freedom everything seems right,
I could fight for freedom all through the night, night, night!
...Inspired by song and unable to contain himself, Archimedes jumps out from behind his bush and rushes up behind the nearest communist, waving his one good arm in strange mystical patterns in the air as he starts his mathematical chant. He steps up to the communist and taps him on the back, getting his attention before slaying him with the pure power of maths!
Owww!
So I'm not gonna moan, 'cause the co-pilot's alone,
In his downed 'copter,
When I'm fighting for freedom everything seems right!
I could fight for freedom all through the night, night, night!
Kicking the lifeless body over, the ancient Greek picks up the commie's M60 machine gun with his right arm, and starts firing it one handed from the hip towards the communist horde!
Still chanting as the belt of bullets feeds through the massive gun, Archimedes's voice gradually raises to a fever pitch, ringing out hard maths across the battlefield over the thunderclaps of gunfire as he cuts down communists by the dozen and a mathemagical bandana materialises around his head!
It's been a hard day's quest, and I been fighting communists,
Now they're swarming the LZ, and they got me pretty pissed,
So yeah I say unto you, dudes yeah what you gotta go do,
Is just shoot these communists!
Is just shoot these communists!
Yeah!
A magnificent burst of mathematical lightning suddenly explodes over the crash site and hundreds of screaming voices are heard dying in the treeline!
It's alright though, 'cause they're communists!
Screw those guys!
Item Acquired! Archimedes of Syracuse: M60 Machine Gun!
OHIO LEAP over to the pilot and assist him by rifling away commies.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Taking advantaage of the sudden storm of bullets flying towards the communists in the treeline, Davy decides to put his medical woes behind him and leap stupendously over to the pilot to fight side by side with the mighty fellow! Without so much as two steps of a run-up, ...Davy launches through the air in a graceful arc of flapping monstrosity and lands directly next to the co-pilot in the wreckage of the bowiecopter!
"Hey," greets the co-pilot, gazing deeply into Davy's eyes.
"Hey there, good man, we've come to get you ou- oh, good Lord. Voulez-vou-"
Before he can so much as shoot an advancing communist in the head, the smitten Crockett swoons to the ground!
"Oh, shit, terribly sorry Davy. I don't know the strength of my own animal magnetism sometimes... Well, most times, I guess... Oh gods! Is that your liver?"
INTRODUCING: SPECIAL GUEST STAR!
(http://tnypic.net/40a92.png)
MARCUS AURELIUS: CO-PILOT, PHILOSOPHER-KING, SENIOR BOWIENAUT AND PIMPERATOR-IN-CHIEF OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE!
Spoiler: Guest Star: Marcus Aurelius, Co-pilot and 16th Emperor of Rome (click to show/hide)
In other words, activate Khaki Shorts, Mate, to reach the pilot safely.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Suddenly the dramatic rescue scene is ruined by a screaming Aussie National Hero running mostly naked straight past the crash site, ...face completely covered and bullets bouncing imperviously off his khaki shorts as he dashes into unintentional hand to hand combat with dozens of communists!
"CRIKEYYYYYYYYY! I CAN'T SEE A BLEEDIN' THING MATE! ARE YOU FILMING THIS?"
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
+1 to all attack rolls.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Marcus Aurelius, Co-pilot and 16th Emperor of Rome (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on March 23, 2012, 06:49:48 pm
"Hey, boys, I'm feelin' a little better with some music in my system. Why don't we take care of these last few commies, hmm?"
Paul McCartney strums a loud rock chord on his guitar in an attempt to distract the commies while Archimedes does his thing!
Post by: Toaster on March 23, 2012, 07:55:45 pm
Take a defensive position right next to Marcus and start shooting down commies!
Post by: Tiruin on March 23, 2012, 11:17:17 pm
The Romans have arrived. (DigitalHellhound, I envy you! :P)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 24, 2012, 09:13:03 am
Continue shooting.
Post by: Talarion on March 26, 2012, 02:37:07 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 26, 2012, 11:07:37 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY FOUR
Continue shooting.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
"Hey, boys,” suggests Paul McCartney, “I'm feelin' a little better with some music in my system. Why don't we take care of these last few commies, hmm?"
”Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” answers the mathraging Archimedes, still blasting away one-handed with his M60, ”Rawrrrrggghrh2!!”
Sweeping his side of the crash site with the philosopher-mounted machine gun, Archimedes aims burst after burst after hail of fully automatic continuous fire at every moving commie on the ground, sending communist blood and fur and skin and worse showering into the air! …Moving from left to right he methodically cuts down half the enemy before his gun abruptly jams!
”Damn cheap foreign imports!” he cries, flinging the gun to the floor and getting ready to charge into melee. ”Damn you, Communist China!” he yells as he scrambles forward.
But Archimedes once again …trips on his sandals and crashes to the floor, directly in front of the nearest surviving communist! The vicious cattybara rises to his feet, raising his rifle above his head to thrust the bayonet into the ancient Greek!
(http://tnypic.net/37154.png)
Paul McCartney strums a loud rock chord on his guitar in an attempt to distract the commies while Archimedes does his thing!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
”Archimedes! No!” wails Paul in despair, ”Noooooo!”
He does the only thing left to him: he strums a mighty chord of ROCK, …aiming at the communist and knocking him the ground!
”Whoa, thanks, my friend!” shouts Archimedes, giving McCartney a thumbs up with one hand as he draws his submachine gun with the other and smashes the communist in the head. …But the blows bounce off the cattybara’s helmet, and the cattybara wrestles Archimedes to the floor, knocking away the submachine gun before climbing onto his chest and …pinning the Greek’s arms with his knees!
Paul is about to rush out to help his comrade, when he suddenly remembers he has a fractured leg and a crocodile gnawing on his other foot!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Light Foot Bleeding!
He waved at the camera and tackled the nearest enemy, wrestling it into submission before moving on to the next one.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Meanwhile, on the other side of the wrecked bowiecopter, the battle rages just as fiercely!
”Come on chaps,” chides Marcus Aurelius. ”You’re all looking rather terribly scruffy, you know. Chin up! Back straight! Stop swooning there, Crockett! Watch out Mr Irwin! I say, Mr Irwin! There’s a ravenous commudile coming straight at you!”
"Strewth, mates! Crikey! These blokes think they stand a chance against me, Steve Irwin? Bloody Oath, eh? Let's show ‘em the World Renowned Aussie Hero's wrestlin' technique why don't we?"
All but surrounded by half a dozen reptilian Marxist fiends, Steve Irwin …backflips over the croc approaching behind him and lands directly on the sneaky commudile’s back, wrapping his thick muscley wrestling arms round the croccunist’s big gnarly throat, choking it into submission before leaping off to pick it up by the tail and spin it 360 degrees into the second incoming crocodile!
…He smashes the croc so hard in the face its bleedin’ eyes fly out! It’s totally struck down, mate!
Take a defensive position right next to Marcus and start shooting down commies!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”Stevooooooo! Watch out Irwin! There’s another one behind you!”
Stevo turns round once more to heed Davy’s warning just as the crack of his bullet rushes past, …dodged by the nearest crocodile who then jumps Stevo in a flash. …But the Aussie’s crocotechnique is strong, and he escapes the reptile’s amateur wrestling hold and turns it right back on him, mate! Steve Irwin picks up the fiendish commie before jumping to his feet and then suplexing its head right into the ground!
”I say, Irwin, jump out of the way a second,” warns Crockett, raising his rifle once again, ”There’s another one coming for you!”
”Don’t worry,” announces the 16th Roman Emperor. “Shield your eyes Irwin – I’ll handle this.”
(http://tnypic.net/40a92.png)
Marcus Aurelius stares directly at the communist crocodile waddling towards where Steve Irwin is still busily smashing the croc’s head into the ground with his eyes shut, and gazes his most soulful cross-species gaze. The crocodile immediately turns, and starts waddling towards Marcus Aurelius! He barely waddles another yard before he keels over and swoons!
”Oh yeah, the Pimperator’s still got it.” remarks Aurelius, half to himself. ”Lay-deez…”
”Er… fella?” interrupts Stevo, breaking off from smashing in the croc’s head to briefly look at the swooned crocodile. ”I think it’s fairly obvious from the profile of his jawbone there that that’s no lady crocodile, mate. That’s a full on ferocious alpha male, mate! What a beauty!”
”Oh well,” sighs Aurelius, glancing at Crockett, ”Wouldn’t be the first unwanted alpha male to fall to my charms, eh, Davy baby?”
"Argg! You should be careful with those... eyes, man, eyes. Mmmmmm…” digresses Crockett. ”I mean, uh... right, shooting! Duck, Marcus, there’s another one behind you! Look out!”
Marcus Aurelius ducks as another communist crocodile rises to his back feet to take a swipe at the Pimperator’s head with his razor sharp claws, and Davy Crockett …showers him with crocobrain!
”Aw no, Davy! Tell me I ain’t hit, man, tell me I ain’t hit!”
”Well, there might be a little stain on the ba-“
”Damn and blast! I only got this toga back from the drycleaner’s an hour before this mission, man! I can’t see the girls covered in brain, man!”
”The girls? It’s hardly the time to be thinking about girls right now, Aurelius!”
”Oh Davy…” Marcus Aurelius wearily shakes his head. ”It’s always the time to be thinking about girls, son!”
”But… but you’re covered in crocodile brain!”
”Yep… and the only way to get crocodile brains out a toga is a good long soak in a hot tub… Oh yeah…” Marcus glances at his gold watch, narrowly avoiding swooning himself in the highly polished reflection. ”Looks like it’s about time, fellas. Everybody, on me! It’s gonna be alright! The girls are on their way! Better dust off that khaki shirt, Irwin! Should maybe put your shorts on, too. You er… you might want to just put a bag over your head or something there, Crockett. Now,” he crackles, suddenly switching over to the neurocomms network, ”Where the blazes are Paul and the Greek? Chaps? I can sure as hell hear you, now get your backsides over here, men! Er, Davy? There's a goddamned communist behind you, son."
Suddenly a pair of crocs jump out the undergrowth, charging towards Stevo, still wrestling the communist croc corpse on the floor. …The fastest one severely bites Steve Irwin in the thigh, severing a major artery! The second starts licking his lips!
”Aw no, man! Should've worn me khaki shorts, mate!”
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Severe Thigh Bleeding!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Marcus Aurelius, Co-pilot and 16th Emperor of Rome (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 26, 2012, 08:43:59 pm
Backflip over and stab/bite the croc! Cut off its tail and fashion a club out of it!
Post by: Talarion on March 27, 2012, 12:08:38 am
Post by: kisame12794 on March 27, 2012, 10:59:45 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 27, 2012, 11:07:43 am
I use those elemental magics whenever I have the capability to run away from whatever destruction is accedentally cause.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 27, 2012, 03:23:39 pm
EDIT: Just auto me for the turn. I'll catch up later.
Post by: lawastooshort on March 28, 2012, 07:35:18 am
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY FIVE
Get that cattybarra using Free style greek wrestling. Or by asking nicely, whatever works best.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Blastation!” invents Archimedes, “Get your stinking hands off me, you damn dirty communist!” he continues as he struggles against the arm-pinning cattybara.
“Get off of me right now or I’ll… I’ll…”
“You’ll what, you filthy capitalist?”
“I’ll nut you in the face! BOSH! ‘Ave it!!”
...Crushing the cattybara’s skull with a single vicious headbutt, Archimedes throws the dead body aside and rushes over to his M60 and to Paul McCartney’s assistance!
Quote from: me!
Run to the Pimperator!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Paul struggles onwards towards Marcus Aurelius with a fracture on one leg and a crocodile on the other! ...He tries to kick the commie off, but the pain of kicking with his fractured leg sends him crumpling to the floor, where the croc ...carries on gnawing at his leg! McCartney can’t shake it off, but crawls manfully towards the crashed bowiecopter and safety!
Suddenly Archimedes of Syracuse jumps out from behind a nearby bush, and directs a fiercely polite request at the crocodile.
“I say. Would you mind awfully letting go of this poor gentleman? I’m sure he’s thoroughly upset about your chewing his leg whilst being rather too polite to raise a fuss, don't you know? There we are, be a good chap now.”
...The crocodile refuses to comply!
“Don’t say I didn’t bloody warn you,” yell Archimedes, in ancient Greek, “You filthy commie!”
...Archimedes opens up with his M60, showering the crocodile in hundreds of bullets and chopping him into a bloody pulp! ...Still holding his M60 in his right hand, the famous Greek philosopher bends down to hoist the injured McCartney over his left shoulder, ignoring the searing pain of his fractured arm as he does so, and starts sprinting towards the exfil point!
Get to Marcus! And by extension away from the crocodiles. Then stop the bleeding! And put my shorts back on, if possible.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Meanwhile on the other side of the bowiecopter…
"Crikey!” shouts Steve Irwin, ”That's a big...”
”Thanks, Irwin.”
”…wound..."
”Oh… right… yeah, I knew that. Hey, you get back over here to safety, my boy! Get that damn communist off that manly thigh of yours, brother!"
“Arrrg!” shouts Stevo, “I’ve got a bleedin’ crocodile attached to my literally bleedin’ thigh, mate! Crikey! Cover me fellas, I’m gonna make a dash for it!”
Steve Irwin makes a dash for it, ...and trips over the crocodile trying to chew his thigh off! The croc has another chew! ...Stevo’s knee starts bleeding heavily!
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Heavy Knee Bleeding!
“Oh crikey, mate, I need to get me bleedin’ khaki shorts back on!”
Whilst crawling away from the two frothing crocodiles with blood pouring from his leg, Stevo tries to put his khaki shorts back on, mate! ...But he slips, and puts them right over his head! The pair of crocs wonder where he’s gone! Suddenly they find out, as Steve starts screaming and running around in circles, searching vainly for the way over to Marcus Aurelius.
“Oh holy crap fellas, I’ve only gone and gone bleedin’ blind! Argg!”
Stevo trips over the second crocodile, who makes a lunge for his non-bleeding leg! ...He totally misses, and ...Steve wrestles him into submission, and jumps on his back!
Backflip over and stab/bite the croc! Cut off its tail and fashion a club out of it!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Thanks, hon!" thanks Davy Crockett as Marcus Aurelius points out the damned communist behind him. “Here’s a little move I learnt on the fronti-argdamnblast!”
...Suddenly Crockett leaps into the air, and belly-flops down onto the croc’s face! ...The enraged croc bites him severely in the head, tearing the skull’s fat and fracturing the ear!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Heavily Bleeding Skull Fat!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Fractured Left Ear!
”Oh no! This croc’s the king of my fractured left ear!”
Rolling out from under the communist, Davy desperately lunges with his knife, ...and severely wounds the air around the fiend!
“Come on Boone, take down this un-American croc, my friend!”
But Boone mishears, and takes a vicious swipe at Crockett’s non-reptilian foot, ...breaking the bone and all but severing the lower limb!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Broken Left Foot!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Heavily Bleeding Left Foot!
… … … … … …
Suddenly there’s a roar of a finely tuned pimp-motor, and the courtesanmobile blazes over the clearing towards the downed bowiecopter!
(http://tnypic.net/c3022.png)
The driver’s side window goes down and Marcus Aurelius strolls over to his girls.
(http://tnypic.net/40a92.png)
“Lower the roof, girls, and climb on into the back with me. I got a terrible stain on my robes and I need a good rub down. Oh yeah. Hey, Crockett? Leave that damned communist alone and take the wheel, son! Come on, men! We’ve done the mission, let’s get in the hot tub and do the gir-… do the uh debriefing… Oh yeah. Come on ladies, champagne for my friends…”
(http://tnypic.net/2292b.png)
As the roof lowers and Marcus Aurelius climbs into his Jacuzzi, Archimedes suddenly sprints up to the courtesanmobile with Paul on his shoulder and sees the girls.
“Oh, hey, Aurelius. Paul’s hit bad, my friend, we’ve got to get him t- oh, hello… And what’s your name?”
“Her name’s Cindy, but come on Archimedes, get Paul in the back seat first… try not to let him bleed all over the place though man… I had this valeted just last night. Then get you and the girls up here in the hot tub, we’ve got to get them out the way before they see Crockett’s… face, man… COME ON MEN, WE’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! THE COMMUNISTS ARE ALL AROUND AND MY GIRLS CAN’T STAND THE SIGHT OF A DAMN COMMIE!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Marcus Aurelius, Co-pilot and 16th Emperor of Rome (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on March 28, 2012, 07:51:39 am
Hop in, take the wheel, pick up the Aussie and get out!
Post by: monk12 on March 28, 2012, 08:22:28 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on March 28, 2012, 08:31:22 pm
"Argh, uh..." Paul relaxes in the vehicle as he looks for something to patch himself up with. "Hello there, ladies."
As they drive off, Paul looks at Marcus. "Ya' know, lad, with cool swag like this, I'd be surprised if ya' weren't a Timelord yourself."
Post by: Talarion on March 29, 2012, 04:59:05 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 29, 2012, 05:37:55 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 29, 2012, 05:12:39 pm
CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY SIX
Hop in, take the wheel, pick up the Aussie and get out!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Good idea, boss!” shouts Crockett over the intercom, “Um, how do you maneuver this carriage?"
“Man, this ain't no ordinary carriage, son! It's a bloody pimpmobile! Well, actually, no, they prefer I call it the courtesanmobile nowadays... Anyway... But don't worry, it’s easy, man! You just uh… er… Emma?! Head on down there and show Mr Crockett how to operate this thing, will you? And… uh… try to shield your eyes…”
Off we go, I guess. (Does Multiply That give bonuses to aggressive driving? if yes, do that)
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Hello. Do you mind if I call you Emma? Is that… Miss Emma? Would you mind terribly if I observed whilst you explain how to operate this vehicle?”
“You er… you like to watch, Mr Archimedes?”
“Please, call me… uh… just Archimedes… You know, I’m a professional mathematician…”
“Fascinating…”
“Yes, quite. You know, when you’ve finished with Mr Crockett, I could show you some particularly fascinating angles, if you know what I mean…”
“Er…”
“Look…”
Suddenly Archimedes starts waving his arms in the air and chanting Pi to several dozen decimal places! He mentions degrees! He mentions multiplying this! He mentions multiplying that! Miss Emma’s eyes glaze over!
“Er… Mr Archimedes, I’ve really got to go! Oh gosh! Oh no! Put that away!”
Miss Emma jumps through the floorhatch into the passenger seat next to Mr Crockett!
“Nobody ever wants to check out my scroll of Pi,” mumbles Archimedes of Syracuse.
“Not smooth, my man,” comments Marcus Aurelius. “That was business, man… you shouldn’t try to mix recitals of Pi with hot ladi-er I mean business with pleasure, gnome sayin'?”
“What?”
“Yeah… never mind… Laura? You get Mr Archimedes here a nice cool drink, will you? And uh… try to uh… try to shield your ears…”
Paul relaxes in the vehicle as he looks for something to patch himself up with.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Argh, uh..." moans Paul, collapsed and bleeding a little in the back. “I wonder if there’s anything here to patch me up with? Hmm, wonder what this button do-oh, hello there, ladies… Paul McCartney, Last Beatle, at your service - but you can call me Paul.”
“My name’s Cindy!”
“Hello Paul! I’m Candy!”
“I bet you are… er… or… something.”
Suddenly Marcus Aurelius pops his head down the backseat floorhatch.
“You ok there Paul? Archimedes said you were hurt pretty bad, son, but if you’re capable of holding a civilised non-mathematics based conversation I’d welcome you up top in the hot tub with me and the rest of the girls… Gotta be quick though, because we’re leaving as soon as Davy figures out the controls, and if you want in the hot tub, you gotta be in the hot tub before those rocket boosters kick in...”
"Ya' know, lad, with cool swag like this, I'd be surprised if ya' weren't a Timelord yourself."
“Ha! A Timelord? No sir – there's only one Timelord I've ever met, you know? Although there's several of him. It's a little confusing. I'll tell you about it one day if we get the chance. You know, all of us here owe a bloody tremendous debt to the Timelord, he's not called the Magnificent for nothing... Anyway, that's for some other time, I’m heading back up. I need a backrub.”
(http://tnypic.net/40a92.png)
Giggles suddenly break through over the courtesanmobile intercom.
“Mr Aurelius? I think Mr Crockett has got the feel of things now! We can go!”
“Uh okay… everybody on board? Ok girls, here we go! Initiate booster activation countdown.”
“Boosters preparing to activate in 20.”
“Seal roof for takeoff.”
“Roof sealed!”
“Stabilise hot tub.”
“Hot tub stabilised!”
“Plot a course for the orbital space pod and press that button, baby! Ooh! Lower! Lower a bit more! Oh yeah, just there!”
“Is that nice, Mr Aurelius?”
“Yeah baby, you know, that’s the best backrub I’ve had since… well… probably last night… or uh... maybe this morning…”
Pick up? BAH! Surf that Croc to the courtesanmobile, before jumping off and into the car! Then fix that damned wound!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Er… Mr Aurelius? Can we stop the rocket booster ignition countdown?”
“Hey baby, you know we can’t do that… what’s up?”
“It’s Mr Irwin… he’s not on board!”
“Oh shoot… I thought everybody was on board? If he’s not bloody well on board then where the devil is he?”
“He’s… he’s riding after us on a crocodile, sir! Sir! We only have 15 seconds till rocket booster ignition!”
Marcus Aurelius jumps up from his position in the Jacuzzi and strolls over to the nearest window. He winds it down and sticks his head out.
“Stevo!”
“Don’t go without me, fellas!”
“Stevo! We aren’t gonna leave you to the communists, man! Now listen up! Can you get any more speed out of that thing?”
“What, this croc? Sure thing mate, I’m the bleedin’ king of croc racing, mate!”
“Ok, well, we’ve only got one go at this, so you got to get it right first time. Hold her steady at 50, that’s the slowest we can go without setting the rockets off prematurely! Now, keep her in a straight line, Stevo! Don’t let her budge!”
“Ok mate, I’ve got her in a straight line – but I can’t go any faster mate, I can’t catch up with you!”
“That’s ok Stevo, you don’t have to go any faster… you just have to stand up and surf that damn crocodile. Now, hold on, I’m gonna get naked…”
“Er…”
“Don’t worry, it’s just to whip off my toga belt this time. Now, you ready? When I throw you this end, you got to grab hold, son… You ready?”
“Ready!”
Suddenly, just as Marcus Aurelius is about to throw his lengthy toga belt to the croc-surfing Irwin behind the courtesanmobile, the nearby collapsing pyramid explodes! Marcus Aurelius is nearly thrown out of the speeding courtesanmobile window! A chorus of high-pitched screams rings out!
“No! Marcus!”
“Mr Aurelius! No!”
Several courtesans leap like flying fish across the surface of the hot tub and grab a firm hold on the naked Pimperator's ankles!
The horizontal Aurelius launches his toga belt towards Steve Irwin, ...who totally manages to catch it one-handed whilst using his other hand to keep control of the speeding crocodile!
“Yee-ha!” yells the Aussie, trailing some thirty feet behind the courtesanmobile as the rocket boosters ignite. “Yee-haaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggg!”
The courtesanmobile shoots into the night sky to safety!
… … … … … …
As he's about to sit back and recline in the bubbling hot tub, Marcus suddenly feels a gentle whisper in his ear.
“Uh... Marcus? What's going to happen to Mr Irwin when we break through the atmosphere towards the Timelord's orbital space pod? You know, with him being on the outside and all?”
“Er... shit.”
… … … … … …
(http://tnypic.net/6a805.jpg)
“Don't worry Marcus, I got your back mate, just like in Germany... switching to general bowiemergency channel in 3, 2, 1. This is the Magnificent Timelord to Steve Irwin, over?”
“Uh... this is Steve Irwin, over. Er, no, wait, not over yet mate – I'm uh... I'm on a crocodile behind the pimpmobile, mate, and it's getting a little tricky to breath up here.”
“Over?”
“Oh yeah, sorry. Over.”
“Hey, I told him it's not the Pimpmobile anymore David, they don't like it when I call it tha-”
“Yeah, it's not the time Marcus. Look, Stevo? I'm gonna need you to get naked, okay?”
“Er...”
“No, really. No time for arguing, man – look, in about 10 seconds you and the pi- uh, sorry, courtesanmobile are going to break through the Earth's atmosphere. You're going to be under pressure, and worse, there's no oxygen up here. So I need you to get naked and to wrap those khaki shorts of your around your face, okay? Khaki shorts were the main component in the Soviet space program in my home timeline, and we all- damn, sorry, no time. You got five seconds Stevo, get them damn khaki shorts on your face! And hold tight!”
… … … … … …
Suddenly the tens of thousands of communists milling purposelessly about in the jungle below the rapidly ascending courtesanmobile see a bright flash in the night sky as the pimped up car and its crocodile trailer burst through the Earth's atmosphere.
“Did you hear that comrade?”
“What?”
“I swear I heard some kind of... muffled Aussie voice or something?”
“Really?”
“Yeah... I swear on ChairMan Miaow's venerable soul, I heard it cry out... something... something about...”
“About what, comrade?”
“I dunno, it kind of sounded a bit like...”
“A bit like what, brother?”
“What a beauty! Crikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
END OF CHAPTER ONE
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Marcus Aurelius, Co-pilot and 16th Emperor of Rome (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on March 29, 2012, 05:33:19 pm
Several courtesans leap like flying fish across the surface of the hot tub and grab a firm hold on the naked Pimperator's ankles!
Don't mind me, I'm just gonna sig that. Carry on with your interlude.
Post by: freeformschooler on March 29, 2012, 09:17:55 pm
Post by: Toaster on March 29, 2012, 09:25:12 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 31, 2012, 08:43:34 am
INTERLUDE
The coutesanmobile starts slowing to a halt as it manoeuvres to dock gently with the orbital space pod, Aussie National Hero and crocodile mount still trailing in the gentle orbital space breeze of the pimprocket’s wake.
(http://tnypic.net/40a92.png)
“This is Marcus Aurelius to control. Commencing docking routine, over.”
“Roger, ini-"
“No no, Marc- oh, yeah, I see what… never mind. As you were, private.”
“Initiating airlock safety procedure.”
“Can you ready the reptilian disposal crew for when we land? And we need four medical teams on emergency standby in the docking hall; the lads are hurt pretty bad.”
“Roger that. Medical teams on standby. Over and out.”
… … … … … …
(http://tnypic.net/6a805.jpg)
“Good work, men,” starts the Magnificent Timelord as he paces up and down the row of medical ward beds. “Our evilometer has been showing significantly reduced readings since you took out that living monstrosity. But! The war is not won yet, man, far from it. This world is still so ravaged by evil that it’s seeping through its timeline and beginning to crash in giant waves of evil into other times and places! It’s actually pretty frightening man. Yeah.”
“Anyway, so, I’m afraid there’s not going to be much time for you to rest and recuperate, you know? We’ve got intelligence to suggest that we’re gonna get a once in a lifetime crack at an awful tyrant outside of his fortress.”
“It’s going to be dangerous. It’s going to be difficult. It’s going to be in the middle of a bloody warzone, lads! That’s right dudes, I’m sending you down into what will, in the future, be known as the Battle of Stalingrad… to take down ROBOSTALIN!”
“You see, since dinoHITLER sent the sixteenth dinoPANZER brigade into the fight earlier this month, things haven’t been going so well down there for the Soviets, you dig? So ROBOSTALIN, in his foolish and fiendish pride, has headed down there himself to try and turn the tide – and he’s going to be roughly 2.74 times more vulnerable on the battlefield than he is in his Moscow bunker!”
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
“According to our scientists?”
“According to our scientists, Paul, according to our scientists.”
… … … … … …
“Now – I hope you’ve all had enough to time to mostly get over your horrible wounds… I’m afraid that for some of them,” and here Bowie glances briefly towards Davy Crockett, “There’s just nothing that even my personal scientists can do anything about. I’m sorry man, but sometimes the human body can just be a little freaky like that. I need you to get ready, get fed, and get down to the drop pod bay for eleven hundred hours, yeah?”
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Okay mate! Can I just ask one little question, Magnificent Timelord?”
“Yeah, sure thing, man.”
“I’ve… I’ve been feeling kinda strange since I got out of bed… more… kinda… y’know… stronger, more like my old self?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot to bloody tell you didn’t I – the time you spent resting has enabled your bodies to speed up the adjustment process to the temporal distortions and hastened the neural realignment… uh… I asked our scientists to translate this into plain English… It appears that you have uh…”
TOTALLY LEVELLED UP!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
COMMENCING COUNTDOWN TO CHAPTER TWO
The magnificent drop pod blazes round half the Earth's atmosphere as it travels from the orbital space pod to the depths of the Eastern Front, and as the parachutes automatically open at fifteen thousand feet for a stealth entry into the battlefield the four bowienauts are jolted into alertness.
“Jesus...” blasphemes McCartney, peering through the blast windows to the city below. “It looks even worse than the Black Country! You seen the Black Country fellas? It kinda looks like that... but, yer know, without the raging battle going on...”
(http://tnypic.net/a9771.png)
A few minutes pass as the ground and the chatter of incessant small arms fire seem to rise to meet them, and the drop pod's auto-aligners gently puff into action to direct the crew to the designated landing zone.
”Hey,” chirps up Paul McCartney again, ”Did the Timelord mention anything about an exfiltration plan this time? No 'chopper on the extraction point in twenty minutes' or anything like that?”
”No, my friend, he didn't,” replies Archimedes. ”But, you know, we can cross that bridge if we get to it, huh? For now, well. I for one have faith. I'm sure the Timelord wouldn't just make this up as we go along.”
”Yeah mate – you see the way he saved my backside when I was dangling by a toga belt off the back of a pimpmobile at high altitude? He knew exactly what to do, fella. Hell, I'd probably even trust him with me khaki shorts, mate!”
… … … … … ...
Another jolt suddenly brings the crew members to attention: the drop pod touches down, dropping lightly into the corner of a ruined square in a quieter part of the city. The parachute follows down and drapes itself in slow motion over one side of the drop pod. Davy moves over to one of the blast windows on the uncovered side and looks out.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”I don't think anyone's noticed us chaps.”
He pauses whilst consulting the satellite-guided direction finder on his neural imagery interlay.
”So... I think we're right on target. No-man's land. We've got to head... north east,” he continues, pointing out in the direction of the drop pod's door. ”Anyhow – we should probably get out of this contraption quick-sharp before it gets spotted by an enemy patrol. Everyone ready?”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
CHAPTER TWO BLASTING OFF!
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on March 31, 2012, 09:10:37 am
He examines to destroyed fountain for anything useful and/or suspicious.
Post by: Toaster on March 31, 2012, 11:31:30 am
Move to cover and observe the surroundings.
By the way, the status line of my status didn't get updated, I believe.
Post by: lawastooshort on April 01, 2012, 03:57:37 pm
CHAPITRE DEUX
Et, avec un sursaut, le Magnifique Seigneur du Temps se reveilla.
«Ça alors, mec!» cria-t-il. «Ce ne fut qu'un rêve! Nom d'une pipe! Et Marcus? Je n'ai pas pu imaginer un tel macqempereur? Et je suis devenu un poisson? Zut!»
Marcus Aurelius, seizième empereur de l'Empire Romain, entra dans la pièce avec un pas enragé.
«Putain de merde!» il hurla. «Ca alors! Je suis gravement en retard pour ce genre de connerie! Tellement en retard que ce n'est officiellement plus drôle! Et que ce ne l'était déjà pas de toutes façons! Et en plus là j'avais l'intention de le faire beaucoup plus tôt ce matin, mais j’étais tout occupé à être un homme de famille - comme tu le sais très bien! Sacré bleu! Ce n'était pas un rêve, David! Non! C'était-»
«Non Marcus! Ne dit rien! Je t'en supplie! Il ne faut rien révéler! Putain, comment dit-on en français 'a spoiler'? Comment dit-on 'un plot-twist'?!»
«Je sais pas, David, je sais pas. Je parle pas en fait français – je parle que la langue de l'amour. Et pour ça, faut que tu écoutes avec les yeux, mon ami. Faut que tu écoutes avec les yeux. Regardes.»
«Non! Marcuuusss!»
«Crikey, pote!»
Post by: freeformschooler on April 01, 2012, 06:38:46 pm
Post by: Phantom of The Library on April 01, 2012, 06:56:20 pm
Post by: empfan on April 02, 2012, 08:06:00 am
Post by: kisame12794 on April 02, 2012, 08:14:28 am
Post by: Talarion on April 02, 2012, 07:07:36 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on April 05, 2012, 04:38:22 pm
TURN ONE
Get to cover also, and survey the surroundings.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Crikey!" breathes Steve Irwin as he steps through the door of the bowienated drop pod. "The beau... horrendous Russian landscape, the perfect place to find the soon-to-be-extinct ROBORUSSIANS! Oh mate, I'm a bit excited now..."
...Leaning back over his shoulder to check with the film crew that they have the tape rolling on this amazing scene, Stevo crouches to a huddle and dashes over to the corner of the nearest building. He finds cover in a small crater and drops to the ground. Everything seems silent but for the incessant chatter of background small arms fire.
Paul examines the destroyed fountain for anything useful and/or suspicious.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Hum... back to the USSR, huh? I'm not really a war kind of guy, but I smell a song in this," announces Paul, a little dejectedly. "Say, what's that over there?"
...Paul creeps out of the drop pod like some kind of scouse panther, soft padded feet dancing lightly over the rubble as he moves forward carefully towards the fountain in the centre of the square, guitar drawn and finger on the pick. Reaching the lip of the fountain's base, he drops to his knees, crouching in cover and poking his head over the edge to check out what's inside. He opens up the neuro-interlink.
"Oh God, folks, I think I've found some kind of... some kind of communist bathing system, over. Oh my, there's... Oh God. Stay over there lads, this is horrific. This is... oh... oh goodness... oh no... they... they..."
Suddenly Paul retches violently before ducking back into cover, petrified by what he has seen!
Move to cover and observe the surroundings.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"What's the matter Paul? Do you need assistance? Let's assume a defensive position while we get our bearings!" shouts Davy as he does so.
He drops to a running crouch, sprinting over as low as he can to McCartney's position and skidding to a stop in the rubble around the ruined fountain.
As Paul makes frantic signals with one hand and covers his mouth with the other, he stares desperately at Davy Crockett, willing him mentally not to look in the direction of the accursed fountain! Alas! He stares too hard at Davy Crockett's armface, and recommences his violent retching! He rolls helplessly upon the floor, unable to prevent Davy Crockett from peeking his head over the parapet of the communist fountain.
...Davy Crockett screams in mortal terror!
He screams so hard he alerts the nearby communist patrol!
Suddenly submachine gun fire rattles off out of the building opposite, ...sending Crockett diving to the ground!
Quote from: #bay12rtd
[21:40] <adwarf> Ah, Archimedes would use the HEAT RAY!!!! to demolish legions of horrible commy/dictator forces
[21:40] <lawastooshort> Well, he hasn't seen any yet, so... yeah why not.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...Last to leave the safety of the bowienated drop pod, but first into fearless and sensible action, Archimedes leaps out of the space-to-earth transport vehicle and whips out an array of mirrors, hitherto hidden amongst the folds of his luscious robes! He holds them still on their stand, concentrating the feeble midnight power of the sun!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on April 05, 2012, 08:19:13 pm
Fire at the attackers!
Post by: freeformschooler on April 06, 2012, 05:34:38 pm
Paul fires of a GENTLENESS BEAM and ducks behind the fountain!
(By the way, I don't think I get it. Are we supposed to not know what our characters saw in the fountain or did I miss the sentence where it was revealed?)
Post by: Talarion on April 06, 2012, 08:24:17 pm
Post by: monk12 on April 06, 2012, 08:28:05 pm
(By the way, I don't think I get it. Are we supposed to not know what our characters saw in the fountain or did I miss the sentence where it was revealed?)
I think it's just supposed to be unspeakably ghastly. Hence the not speaking of it.
Post by: lawastooshort on April 07, 2012, 03:35:58 pm
TURN TWO
Quote from: #bay12rtd
[22:07] <adwarf> Action wise: Use the Heat Ray to blast the commies, and then use Multiply This! on the team.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
"Don't worry, chaps! My Archimedes Heat Ray is warming up just in time! Take this, damnable communists!" shouts Archimedes to the square. "Take my burning ray of death!"
...Suddenly the feeble midnight sun of southern Russia coalesces in the mirrors to form a ball of burning flame, which shoots off at Archimedes's command towards the row of buildings to the north of the square. The entire upper floor of the leftmost building explodes in flame! The fire rages in the dark night before two burning figures leap from the top floor, squealing in burny pain as they fall and as the fire begins to spread across the rest of the building.
"Damned commies!" cries Archimedes, "Multiply This, you cads!" he finishes, as he starts waving his hands hysterically about him in a futile attempt to sketch some kind of mysterious algebra.
"Damn you!"
...Archimedes drops to his knees holding his head in his hands.
Fire at the attackers!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Men, we're under fire!" notices Davy Crockett. "Return fire in volleys!
As Davy pokes his head above the parapet to fire, a Russian sniper's rifle cracks, and a bullet flies towards him, somehow bouncing off the stone fountain's edge and ...tearing a heavy gash in his left leg!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Heavy Left Leg Gash!
"Darn," he curses as hard as he knows, as he sights down his rifle, "Even the darned stone in this place is communist! Get them, lads!"
Distracted by his ceaseless violent retching, ...Davy Crockett misses the enemy!
Paul fires of a GENTLENESS BEAM and ducks behind the fountain!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Stand down, chaps! Take cover! Unless you've got a gun, of course. I don't. Bother. Here, you lovely communists! Take this instead!"
...Leaping to his feet and clambering onto the wall of the stone fountain, Paul McCartney reaches down to plug in his amp and lets rip! He blasts forth a super heavy version of the Star Spangled Banner!
Sounds of violent protest ring out from the buildings surrounding the square! Gunfire rings out too!
...A storm of bullets flies towards the exposed McCartney, landing all around him and pinging off his titanium guts! They save him from the worst, but he doubles over in agony anyway!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Severe Gut Bleeding!
Steve looks for a way to get closer and flank the enemy!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Oh, nice one Paul!" shouts Steve Irwin, "You've really gone and riled them now, mate! It's not a widely known fact but communists are particularly susceptible to getting quite annoyed when attacked with loud displays of patriotic and capitalist American sentiment, mate! Crikey! Man, I'm gonna have to look for a way to get closer and flank these communists!"
...Steve sticks his head over his small crater to look for a way to flank these communists. He decides the best route would be to rush straight into the building nearest him, and scrambles out of cover, and leaps through the ruined window ahead. He comes face to face with the enemy!
(http://tnypic.net/a1942.png)
"Oh no! Crikey mate! A fiendish speedocommunist!"
Just as Stevo is about to extend a friendly greeting a rabid weasel jumps out of the shadows, biting him in the knee! The speedocommunist grabs his crotch and moves in for the kill!
(http://tnypic.net/c1689.png)
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Light Knee Bleeding
Suddenly the bowienauts hear two ominous sounds. An alarm sirens loudly from the east, and the rumble of heavy armour starts up in the west! Perhaps they have been alerted by something!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on April 07, 2012, 07:20:11 pm
Tackle the fiendish commie and wrestle it into the dust!
Post by: Toaster on April 07, 2012, 07:56:22 pm
"Watch your heads, men- a sharpshooter! Get the spotter before they can move in the cannon!"
Snipe back at the sniper!
Post by: freeformschooler on April 08, 2012, 03:23:13 pm
Paul McCartney grabs a bunch of CRIMINAL FOUNTAIN FILTH and sloshes it on the SPEEDCOMMUNIST to distract him as Irwin takes him down!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 09, 2012, 11:23:01 am
I'll post my turn later(or you know, do what adwarf thinks I should do) when I have read all the turns.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on April 10, 2012, 03:54:59 pm
TURN THREE
Quote from: #bay12rtd
[20:47] <adwarf> Lets see, I'd say have him attack the sniper with his SMG since its the most dangerous foe.
And I'd say: Lay down suppresing fire. Make sure the sniper can't do much else but hide. Then take cover!
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
In two minds as to what to do, Archimedes knows only one thing: he must open fire hard! Rushing up to join Davy in cover by the fountain, the famous Greek spurts across the open ground, ...submachine gun blasting out hundreds of bullets as he runs.
"I'm coming, Davy!" he screams at the top of his voice as ...he jumps onto the wall of the fountain. "I'm comi-ARG DEAR GODS NO!"
Catching sight of the foul contents of the ruined fountain, Archimedes keels over and starts retching heavily!
Snipe back at the sniper!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Watch your heads, men – a sharpshooter! Get the spotter before they can move in the cannon! Oh good Lord, that means you too, Archimedes! Get down! Don't look in ther- ohnoit'stoolateohgodohgodohgodthey'reallvisiblystiffwithsweat!"
Doing his best to ignore the heavily retching Greek philosopher a few feet away, Davy Crockett takes aim at where the sharpshooter seems to have shot from, and lets one off!
...The lack of effect is signalled almost immediately by a bullet returning and ...narrowly missing Archimedes, who rolls off the fountain's parapet and into cover beside Davy.
He stares at the American with a look of abject terror.
Paul McCartney grabs a bunch of CRIMINAL FOUNTAIN FILTH and sloshes it on the SPEEDCOMMUNIST to distract him as Irwin takes him down!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Ah, blast!" shouts Paul McCartney, "Curse you, commies! I just had these guts repaired man! Chaps, I think Stevo needs help. Cover me, I'm going in!"
...Paul dives head first into the terrible fountain filth, rolling about in the used communist speedos like a delighted hippo and bellowing in repulsed fear as he comes up for air with a communist speedo draped hard across his face! Retching and gibbering, the Last Beatle grabs two handfuls of used communist speedo, raising them triumphantly to the sky as he clambers back out of the fountain and rushes across the open ground to the south.
"Stevo!" he cries as he runs, "Stevo! I'm coming! Ohgodohgodohgodohgod!"
McCartney jumps through the first ruined window he comes to, only to see Steve Irwin wrestling a semi-naked communist on the floor!
Tackle the fiendish commie and wrestle it into the dust!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"It's not what it looks like mate! Oh crikey, give us a hand, will you? I'm afraid to get a firm handhold anywhere on this fella!"
Taking advantage as Paul McCartney rubs the used communist speedo into the speedocommunist's face, ...Steve Irwin rolls his weight over and get the Russian in a Deadly Outback Headlock! The speedocommunist starts choking on his own tongue, but ...suddenly he leaps up, as if reinvigorated by the one and only thing that gives him his power being rubbed directly into his eyes!
(http://tnypic.net/a1942.png)
"I AM SPEEDOCOMMUNIST NUMBER 473!" he proclaims as he swats Steve Irwin to the floor. "I SPEEDO YOU!"
Suddenly Steve Irwin finds himself crawling backwards along the floor as he backs himself up against the wall, trying to shield his eyes from the oncoming monstrosity and trying to shield his face from the incoming crotch-thrusts!
Wound Acquired! Steve Irwin: Heavily Bleeding Guts!
Years later – if he survived, and who knows? – Steve Irwin would never be sure: was it the burning gut pain that woke him from his terror-induced blackout? Or was it the girly screech of the Last Beatle coming face to face with his very own speedocommunist?
(http://tnypic.net/0b93b.png)
"Aarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhjhh!" scream Paul, "Another Russian! And this one's wielding used communist underpants! He's coming straight at me!"
(http://tnypic.net/c1689.png)
Just then a furry bundle of rabid fury leaps across the screen, and ...with his musician's instinct Paul swats it right out of the sky with his quickdraw guitar! The furious weasel shoots across the ruined room, homing right in on speedocommunist #2's left eye! He's blinded and bleeding! ...He strikes out at Paul, missing terribly as the Scouse lad dodges the blow before falling off balance to the floor.
Paul tries a short sharp uppercut as the commie falls, ...but only manages to bring his speedo-covered hand back into view.
(http://tnypic.net/74828.png)(http://tnypic.net/74828.png)(http://tnypic.net/74828.png)(http://tnypic.net/74828.png)(http://tnypic.net/74828.png)
He enters a state of fountain filth-induced delirium! He retches into the communist's right eye!
Amidst the panicked sounds of battle, the more observant bowienauts notice the approaching sound of heavy armour, and the ceaseless wail of a nearby siren!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 10, 2012, 04:06:53 pm
Post by: Toaster on April 10, 2012, 10:08:24 pm
OHIO LEAP to the sniper and feed him to Boone!
Post by: Zako on April 10, 2012, 10:11:30 pm
:'(
The horror... my god, the horror...
Post by: freeformschooler on April 11, 2012, 08:53:19 am
While the others take down the sniper, Paul lunges for SPEEDOCOMMUNIST #2 and commits unto him the dreaded hidden technique: SPEEDO WEDGIE.
Post by: Caellath on April 11, 2012, 08:56:45 am
"Where are they coming from, man? There's speedocommunities everywhere! Oh, take this!"Tell me you didn't.
While the others take down the sniper, Paul lunges for SPEEDOCOMMUNIST #2 and commits unto him the dreaded hidden technique: SPEEDO WEDGIE.
Post by: Zako on April 12, 2012, 11:52:51 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on April 13, 2012, 05:14:25 am
(http://tnypic.net/764a7.gif)
Crotch weasel!
Get your fearsome fangs away from me,
That’s a place you don’t need to be,
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
You have no wings, but you can fly,
When I launch you into the sky!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
You have fangs but you aren’t a bat,
You look just like Davy Crockett’s hat,
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
You fight for the forces of the great dictator,
I’m killing this speedocommie then I’ll kill you later!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
Oh, I loved you, Oh, I still care,
I just want you to get off of there!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
Oh man leave me alone!
You’ve torn the flesh and you’ve chipped the bone!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
Oh I’m bleeding out, the dinotanks advance,
I’ve got a crotch weasel burrowing in my pants,
Crotch weasel!
(http://tnypic.net/04658.gif)
Crotch weasel!
Get your fearsome fangs away from me,
That’s a place you don’t need to be,
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
You have no wings, but you can fly,
When I launch you into the sky!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
You have fangs but you aren’t a bat,
You look just like Davy Crockett’s hat,
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
You fight for the forces of the great dictator,
I’m killing this speedocommie then I’ll kill you later!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
Oh, I loved you, Oh, I still care,
I just want you to get off of there!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
Oh man leave me alone!
You’ve torn the flesh and you’ve chipped the bone!
Crotch weasel!
Crotch weasel!
Oh I’m bleeding out, the dinotanks advance,
I’ve got a crotch weasel burrowing in my pants,
Crotch weasel!
(http://tnypic.net/04658.gif)
Post by: monk12 on April 13, 2012, 11:53:36 am
Post by: Talarion on April 14, 2012, 12:31:04 am
Post by: lawastooshort on April 16, 2012, 03:44:46 am
TURN THREE
Continue firing at the sniper. Also using literal mathematics (Fire+Fountainfilth)*Wind +Communists=Flaming Tornado of Doom
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Drat,” exclaims the furious Archimedes, in between violent retches. “Blasted sniper. Made me see the OH GODS NO...”
Archimedes trails off into a mumble of despondent sickness as he accidentally sees the fountain filth once more, eyes cast down and lingering on the traces of partially digested food clinging forlornly to his once-luxurious robes.
“If I don't do something about this damned thing we're never getting out of here,” he thinks to himself. “This rotten fountain will have us all pinned down. But then,” he morale-boostingly eurekas, “That's why the Timelord sent US, and not just any old elite force! Yes, by Jove! We are the chosen bowienauts, and a mere fountain,” he cries out as he rises to his feet, back straight and chin proudly out, “Of furious fountain filth,” he proclaims, as he stands feet apart with horrendously waving arms, ”Is not going to come between us and our righteous objective! Nay! Shield thine eyes, comrades, I have a plan!”
Archimedes shouts out some extreme capitalist dogma and some jumbled cries about water displacement, and with a majestic flourish finishes his tremendous arm waving, ending with a blast of noise as he thrusts his arms and his pelvis towards the suspected location of the communist sniper.
...A vast spire of fire leaps into the air from the middle of the fountain, and the thousands of used communist speedos are thrown enflamed to the suddenly rising wind, scattering this way and that, showering the square with burning crotch sweat and shards of liquid-hot communist panties! Flaming nylon rains from the sky, sticking like demonic napalm to everything it touches upon and the square is lit up as if a nightmarish vision of terrible hell!
For a second the column of twirling wind seems to stop and pause, still in the upper reaches of the air above Stalingrad, before abruptly dashing over to where the unfortunate communist sniper was stalking his prey, hauling him into the sky through the battered roof of the communist apartment block that housed him, and then flinging him violently to the ground, accompanied by the myriad burning communist speedos!
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Burning Leg!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Burning Head!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Severed Left Leg!
OHIO LEAP to the sniper and feed him to Boone!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Oh, Good Lord! I’m on fire! Never mind, I’ve had worse! Men, hold ground! I'll handle this sniper!" cries out Davy Crockett as he rushes through the burning rain of communist crotch fabric to take a mighty run up. “Ooh, what’s that?” he wonders as a heavy object enwreathed in flame crashes to the ground a short distance behind him.
Having taken a fine democratic run-up, Crockett pictures the Ohio, ...and leaps splendidly through the air into the communist apartment block in front of him, flying upright through the sky and blasting apart the only surviving window in the building, sending shards of shattered glass shooting into the communist soldier he finds before him!
“Say, you don’t have a sniper rifle!” shouts Davy to the bemused commie, with a trace of disappointment in his voice. “Oh well, Boone’s hungry and I’m on fire: you’ll have to do! Here, Booney Booney Booney! Dinner time!”
With a ferocious snarl, Boone flings Crockett’s lower half into the air to get a better bite at his impending lunch. ...He bites out the communist’s spine! He topples lifeless to the floor, and the hideous crockofoot munches happily away, devouring the liver and tearing the fat!
While the others take down the sniper, Paul lunges for SPEEDOCOMMUNIST #2 and commits unto him the dreaded hidden technique: SPEEDO WEDGIE.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Where are they coming from, man?” cries the delirium-crazed McCartney, “There's speedocommunists everywhere! Oh, take this!"
(http://tnypic.net/0b93b.png)
...Paul punctuates his war cry with an awe-inspiring lunge towards the evil SPEEDOCOMMUNIST #2, rolling between the fiend’s outstretched legs and grabbing his dual-wielded communist speedos as he rolls. He leaps up behind the communist, bolting into the air with both speedos in one hand and the communist’s own worn speedos in the other, pulling the red nylon sporting underwear over the back of the communist’s head! Paul continues to somersault through the air, spinning several times till he reaches his apex and descends back through the communist night-time sky until level with the wedgied communist’s head. He rams the two used speedos over the speedocommunist’s face! As the speedocommunist begins to choke on his own used sweaty fabric, Paul lands deftly on the ground, only to see the commie fiend split from head to wedgied backside! He topples to the floor, his body a foully violated display of lurid internal organs!
“Ooh, heavy, man,” comments Paul. “Oh well – he was just a speedocommie, those fiends are barely human, man! Half-man, half-crotchswea- oh god no the fire! The burning! The flames! Arg, my head! Oh no, what’s that falling from the sky-arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhgh!”
Suddenly a burning communist sniper falls from the sky, severing Paul’s leg!
“Oh well,” philosophises the Last Beatle. “At least the severe burning has instantaneously cauterised the wound! That was lucky!”
Retreat into cover! GET AWAY FROM THE SPEEDOS!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Arrrg!” cries Steve Irwin as he sees Paul valiantly destroy one foul speedocommunist. “Arrrrggh! There’s speedos everywhere! There’s speedos falling from the sky! They’re on fire! Their crotchsweat is dripping all over me! Arhghghgh!”
(http://tnypic.net/a1942.png)
Stevo tries to retreat into cover, ...but only manages to retreat into a pile of burning speedos! He sets his arm on fire as speedocommunist number 473 comes at him again! Speedocommunist number 473 slices up his burning arm!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Burning Left Arm!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Lightly Bleeding Left Arm!
(http://tnypic.net/c1689.png)
Suddenly there is the sound of a burning weasel nearby, and Archimedes looks to the west to see a mark IV dinoPANZER grind into the town square! The siren wails on!
“Hey chaps,” announces the Timelord over the bowienauts’ internal neurocomms, “We have readings of extreme dinoARMOUR coming your way, over. It also appears likely that ROBOSTALIN is heading in your direction to investigate the disturbances: there is a large mechanised object moving towards you at around twenty miles an hour from the north east, ETA five minutes, I’d estimate. If you guys get caught between the dinoARMOUR and ROBOSTALIN, we aren’t going to need to come up with an exfil plan at short notice, you dig?”
There’s a pauses of a few seconds.
“Er, uh, over and out, and stuff.”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: !!Steve Irwin!!, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Paul McCartney!!, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Davy Crockett!!, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 16, 2012, 10:36:00 am
Head to the Southwest, also avoid contact with any of my burning teammates. Use my solar laser to distract the tanks by blowing up one of the nearby walls/buildings.( Preferabilly not the ones my squadmates are hiding in/near/running towards...
Come with me my friends, as that we can see one of the few remaining wonders of the World: Diplomacy. I heard the Romans tell about it, but I never witnessed it myself. Luckly for us someone already did the dividing for us, so we should only wait from a distance to watch the magic unfold, and then conquer the ashes.
Post by: Toaster on April 16, 2012, 10:48:40 am
Jump down on top of the tank, rip the hatch open, and eat/stab everything inside. While on fire.
Post by: freeformschooler on April 16, 2012, 10:55:35 am
Paul McCartney stealthily hobbles outside the dinoPANZER's view range and attempts to board/ride it. After Davy, of course.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 16, 2012, 10:56:38 am
Post by: freeformschooler on April 16, 2012, 11:23:38 am
Post by: Zako on April 16, 2012, 11:28:29 am
Post by: monk12 on April 16, 2012, 11:48:53 am
Post by: freeformschooler on April 16, 2012, 12:28:10 pm
Post by: Caellath on April 16, 2012, 12:30:27 pm
"Stalingrad" in the thread title should be changed to "Speedograd."+1. Enough said.
Post by: Talarion on April 17, 2012, 01:00:15 am
Post by: lawastooshort on April 17, 2012, 05:55:29 am
TURN FOUR
Head to the Southwest, also avoid contact with any of my burning teammates. Use my solar laser to distract the tanks by blowing up one of the nearby walls/buildings. (Preferably not the ones my squadmates are hiding in/near/running towards...)
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Come with me my friends,” starts Archimedes. “So that we can see one of the few remaining wonders of the World: Diplomacy. I heard the Romans tell about it, but I never witnessed it myself. Luckly for us someone already did the dividing for us, so we should only wait from a distance to watch the magic unfold, and then conquer the ashes.”
”What are you nattering on about, Archimedes, mate?” asks Paul, as he hobbles on one leg past the Greek. ”You and your dividing, eh, la, it’s like some kind of obsession or something! Arg, watch out! The dinoTANK is turning towards us!”
Indeed! It is! ...And thusly Archimedes doth sprint at a comfortable and dignified strolling pace back towards the drop pod from whence he so recently sprung forth, there to set up his solar laser, to set in place for a solemn and precise blasting of some buildings next turn!
Alas! ...For as Archimedes places his Archimedes Heat Ray upon the uneven ground it sinks and sticks deep into the mud, and as it warms up it faces directly towards the dinoPANZER!
Jump down on top of the tank, rip the hatch open, and eat/stab everything inside. While on fire.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Boone, sorry to interrupt your meal, but we need to execute a tactical withdrawal. While on fire."
Unaware of the impending warming up of the turning dinoPANZER, Crockett takes decisive action, as a man of his intense pedigree is wont to do! ...He sprints through the burning building towards the east, nimbly dodging the tumbling joists of falling flame as he hurries over, fearful that the turning monster of war is about to aim at his beloved companions! Ignoring the mild inconvenience of the scalding speedo fusing with his legflesh, Davy angles through the last room of the apartment block before leaping out of the blasted-out window, arms outstretched and crockofoot bent forwards to share the impending glory. At the last second the American frontiersman assumes the Diving Swallow Aflame position, and crashes headfirst through the face of the dinoPANZER’s dinoTURRET, eviscerating the skull, tearing the brain, and smashing through the armoured shell of the vehicle beneath! While on fire!
“Hello, Nazis!” he politely remarks, as he gets to his feet inside the cramped crew compartment. ”I’m Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier – and you’re… blast. I was so busy jumping I didn’t think this part through. You’re… You’re going to get stabbed and/or eaten! Yeah! Come on Boone, it’s important to get a healthy balanced diet you know! Can’t eat nothing but communists! I say, are you the gunner of this here contraption?”
Before the man addressed by Mr Crockett can reply, Mr Crockett ...stabs him through the face while on fire, bruising the fat and severing the brain!
“Terribly sorry!” he continues, turning to a man carrying a heavy looking shell. “And how about you? Do you like crocodiles? I've got part of one for you!”
With a flash of teeth Boone leaps up from Davy Crockett’s leg, ...and bites the Nazi in the eyes! With a look of horror, the Nazi jumps back, dropping the heavy looking shell on his foot! Davy Crockett knees him in the groin with his burning leg, ...tearing the skin and severing the groin! The Nazi is struck down! His groinless corpse bursts on fire!
Just then, the radio operator turns round, raising his pistol to protect his driver. He lets off a shot inside the cramped metal crew compartment! ...He misses completely, sending the crazy Nazi bullet ricocheting off every metal surface in sight before it comes to rest!
Suddenly the dinoPANZER driver slumps forward, jamming the accelerator under his lifeless body!
The dinoPANZER starts to lurch forward!
The radio operator flings his pistol at Crockett’s face, ...bruising the skin through the catmask, and crouches to pick up his nearby submachine gun!
“Now, Mr Crockett,” announces the Nazi fiend, “Your time is up!”
Paul McCartney stealthily hobbles outside the dinoPANZER's view range and attempts to board/ride it. After Davy, of course.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"I don't know about you chaps, but I don't think we're ready to face robo-stalin quite yet. We're gonna need some sort of... firepower... oh, Davy's got the right idea!"
Spying the flying Crockett burst into the dinoPANZER, the burning Beatle abandons Stevo to his grisly speedo-related fate and ...sprints one-legged past the mumbling Archimedes and his ex-fountain of filth, stumbling vaguely behind fallen rubble and street furniture to get some kind of cover from the dinoPANZER turning menacingly towards him.
The dino-less dinoPANZER turret abruptly stops its turn as McCartney reaches it and straps his guitar firmly to his back. He nimbly hauls himself up the side of the tank, and comes face to face with the eviscerated dino-head! Noticing the large hole in the head, he climbs straight in, and tumbles into the tank!
“Hello chaps!” he announces fortuitously before politely addressing the squashed Nazi beneath him. “Oh, sorry mate – I think I’ve fallen on you, accidentally severing your liver with my guitar! Well, it kind of looks like a liver. Never can tell with Nazis. Blast! Rather warm in here, eh, Davy? Probably your burning leg! Bloody hell mate, we’re moving!”
Stevo attempts to put out the fire on his arm, before jumping on the Communist in front of him, attempting to wrestle him into submission again.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Desperately on fire, Stevo leaps at the speedocommunist, determined to use him to put out his burning arm! ...He jumps on the hideous fiend’s head, dragging him down to the ground and … The heat is transferred immediately, and as the flames dance over from Stevo’s burning arm, the speedos explode, severing the abdomen, tearing the heart, and bruising the guts! Molten speedocommunist remains are showered everywhere, and burning speedo flings itself directly at Stevo’s forehead! His trademark boyish floppy hair is lightly singed, and he jumps to his feet in a panic, running straight into a nearby burning weasel! It bites him in the ear, ripping the flesh!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Lightly Bleeding Ear!
(http://tnypic.net/c1689.png)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Paul McCartney!!, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Davy Crockett!!, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on April 17, 2012, 07:16:00 am
Post by: Toaster on April 17, 2012, 07:55:33 am
Grab the Beatle, quickly exit the dinoPANZER, and stop, drop, and roll to extinguish the flames! Use non-burning speedos to patch McCartney's bleeding wounds.
Hopefully I won't turn him into a speedobomination.
Post by: Caellath on April 17, 2012, 07:59:38 am
Hopefully I will turn him into a speedobomination.I approve of this.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 17, 2012, 10:05:00 am
Anyway, patch-up time again. Throw Toaster the medikit, to help him fix Paul. ( It has plastic gloves, so that he doesn't have to touch the speedos) after that, Take cover before the inevitable giant explosion of the tank.
Post by: freeformschooler on April 17, 2012, 10:12:30 am
After Davy is done, Paul attempts to sing a healing song to him! Of course, it's unlikely to help, but he can try.
"Eh... a one, and a two...
There are places he remembers
All his life, though some have changed
Some by commies not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their chances
With Nazis and robots
He can still recall
Some are disintegrated, some are living
In his life, he's loved them all"
Post by: lawastooshort on April 18, 2012, 06:35:32 am
TURN FIVE
Throw Mr Crockett the medikit, to help him fix Paul. (It has plastic gloves, so that he doesn't have to touch the speedos) After that, take cover before the inevitable giant explosion of the tank.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...Archimedes of Syracuse whips out his medikit, and hurls it with tremendous and probably mathematical accuracy towards the American he spots clambering out of the tank – whilst on fire! He throws it with such speed that the accompanying gust of wind extinguishes Paul McCartney's burning head!
...Pleased at a job well done, Archimedes waves his arms in the air and runs screaming as loud as he can towards the dinoTANK and its impending explosion!
(http://i1073.photobucket.com/albums/w399/lawastooshort/maposaur1.png)
Grab the Beatle, quickly exit the dinoPANZER, and stop, drop, and roll to extinguish the flames! Use non-burning speedos to patch McCartney's bleeding wounds.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Son, you're in a bad way - let's get out of here!" shouts Crockett, as he grabs hold of Paul McCartney's shoulders and starts dragging him out of the flame-filled dinoPANZER.
"What are you doing man? RoboSTALIN could be here any minute!”
”No, son, I think your burning head is a more urgent problem than robotic communist dictators,” asserts Davy as he gets the pair of them safely out of the fire-stuffed Nazi tankmobile. ”Hey, what do you know,” he exclaims as he drops to the floor, rolls, and puts out his leg. ”There's fire everywhere outside, too! Say, perhaps it has something to do with our burning appendages? Well, that’s mine extinguished!”
Suddenly a green Chinese medikit hurtles past, the incredible gust of wind it creates blowing out the fire atop Paul McCartney's head before bouncing off the armoured skin of the dinoPANZER and landing in Davy Crockett's manly hand.
”Excellent.” smiles the frontiersman. ”Let's get to work!”
After Davy is done, Paul attempts to sing a healing song to him!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
“Thanks for helping me patch up these wounds. Where'd you learn to do that?"
”Out on the Wild Frontier, chap. Where else? Where else would a man want to go? Anyway, show me your guts and close your eyes. I’ve got a trick or two I picked up from a philoso…”
”No! No! I’ve seen that trick! I don’t…”
”No, relax. This one’s totally different. Now, do as I ask.”
...As Paul McCartney closes his eyes, there is the sound of unzipping, and then the sound of bubbling burning, and then…
”Arhhhhgff! Good god, Davy, what the hell? You’re meant to be fixing my guts, not burning them!”
”Easy, Paul. I have fixed them! You had severe gut bleeding, so I cauterised the wound by pouring molten speedos all over them! Look, good as new. And if you flash your speedoguts at someone, they’ll be delighted to see you! ‘Tis an excellent party trick!”
Item Acquired: Paul McCartney: Speedoguts!
"Say, Davy, thanks very much mate! Let’s see if I can repay the favour, eh? Eh... a one, and a two...
There are places he remembers,
All his life, though some have changed,
Some by commies not for better,
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their chances,
With Nazis and robots,
He can still recall,
Some are disintegrated, some are living,
In his life, he's loved them all."
...Suddenly, combatants from all sides close round in a circle, and start to applaud! Davy Crockett can feel his heavy leg gash heal up instantaneously, and a two turn Joy bonus course through his veins!
Throw that weasel into the closest form of danger, before meeting up with Archimedes.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Damned weasel!” shouts the angered Aussie. ”Normally I love these kinds of critters, but this is just one burning weasel too far for me today, mate! Now, I need to throw the fella into the closest form of danger, crikey! Hmm.”
Stevo grasps the burning rabid weasel with his firm masculine grip, outstretched before his face. He stares deep into its eyes.
(http://tnypic.net/c1689.png)
”The closest form of danger, eh? You’re a feisty fella, aren’t yer!”
Stevo surveys his surroundings in search of danger.
”Hmmm…”
Just then a thought strikes him.
”Well, there’s only one thing for it, eh mate?” he says to himself. ”I’m far and away the most dangerous thing I’ve ever met, no kidding!”
...Changing his grip on the burning weasel to a good whirling tail grip, Stevo throws it directly into his own face! He throws it so hard it explodes on impact, showering his face and head with burning weasel fur and setting his hair on fire! Rushing round in a tight circle, Stevo starts screaming at the top of his voice, and dashes out of the ruined building towards where he last spotted Archimedes.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Burning Hair!
… … … … … …
Just then, the dinoPANZER next to which Paul McCartney is serenading Davy Crockett bursts into flame! It looks suspiciously like it’s gonna blow! The various enemy combatants who had leaned in to hear McCartney’s wonderful music flee back to their original positions! The rumble from the west deepens and grows louder, almost as if further dinoPANZERS were on their way! The whole square remains aflame, adorned with blazing communist speedo remains. Suddenly the monstrous and imposing form of a mechanised trooper strides through the burning rubble of the northern apartment block!
”Oh bloody hell, mates!” cries Paul as he pokes his head round the viciously burning tank. ”A ROBOT NAZI TROOPER! I thought I’d seen the last of those in 1963!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: !!Steve Irwin!!, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 18, 2012, 06:53:45 am
Multiply this, fire the solar laser at the Nazibot, followed up by some surpressing fire and an attempt to run away from the soon exploding tank.
((Actually my list of destructive abilities isn't that long. Food for thought.))
Post by: Talarion on April 18, 2012, 07:40:13 am
Post by: Toaster on April 18, 2012, 08:37:18 am
"Let me take care of this."
Apply the MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT to the dinoPANZER! Kick it toward the Robonazi!
Hey, you said pretty much anything, right?
And I can't seem to roll anything but 1s and 6s for healing rolls.
Post by: freeformschooler on April 18, 2012, 11:45:36 am
"Troopers are intimidating. Nazis are scary. Robots are terrifying. Together? Well, chaps, I know what I must do!"
Paul, sensing the suicidal results of his companions' actions, throws himself in front of the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER and uses his SPEEDOGUTS to absorb the scary from it!
Post by: Toaster on April 18, 2012, 12:01:32 pm
Post by: monk12 on April 18, 2012, 12:02:22 pm
Watch for flying dinoPANZERs!
Pterowaffe!
Post by: Caellath on April 18, 2012, 12:08:23 pm
We need Pterodactyls with Balkenkreuz painted on their wings and 20~30 mm cannons.Watch for flying dinoPANZERs!
Pterowaffe!
Post by: Toaster on April 18, 2012, 12:09:01 pm
And I loved it.
Post by: freeformschooler on April 18, 2012, 12:19:57 pm
Watch for flying dinoPANZERs!
This will be my secondary action.
Post by: lawastooshort on April 19, 2012, 03:01:18 am
We need Pterodactyls with Balkenkreuz painted on their wings and 20~30 mm cannons.
Who needs? The waitlisters? Someone PM me a photoshopped Nazi pterodactyl with 20 blazing 30mm cannons and it's in.
Post by: Caellath on April 19, 2012, 07:02:42 am
Post by: lawastooshort on April 19, 2012, 08:26:47 am
TURN SIX
Paul, sensing the suicidal results of his companions' actions, throws himself in front of the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER and uses his SPEEDOGUTS to absorb the scary from it!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Troopers are intimidating. Nazis are scary. Robots are terrifying. Together?” rhetorically asks Paul McCartney, as he dashes out from behind the dinoPANZER into full view of the terrifying NAZI ROBOT TROOPER. ”Well, chaps, I know what I must do!"
...Paul plants his feet firmly on the ground in front of the scary robonazi monster, ripping open his shirt and revealing his bulging speedo-clad six-pack! Streams of horrific SPEEDOPOWER flow forth from McCartney’s guts towards the intimidating trooperbot Nazi, their recoil blasting the Beatle to the floor and their awful terror filling the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER with horrendous and incredible power. The Nazi doubles in size before the horrified and awestruck bowienauts!
Multiply this, fire the solar laser at the Nazibot, followed up by some suppressing fire and an attempt to run away from the soon exploding tank.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Oh no, not ag-ARG BY THE GODS! That thing must be nearly twenty foot tall!” gasps Archimedes of Syracuse as the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER expands before his eyes, Nazi head and robotic shoulders trooping through the floors and ceilings of the burning apartment block through which he strides.
”Chaps, you need to er… 6 uh… degrees… hypotenuse… Um…” ...he shouts out to his comrades, before dashing over to his solar laser. ...Firing off a blast of undiluted sunray, Archimedes sets the burning apartment block surrounding the Nazi robot on fire!
...He pulls out his submachine gun, letting off a few bursts of suppressing fire as he retreats backwards towards the Bowie drop pod, attempting to put maximum distance between himself and the hopefully soon to be exploding tank!
The robonazi shrugs off the splurge of bullets, but nevertheless appears a little intimidated!
Apply the MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT to the dinoPANZER! Kick it toward the Robonazi!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Come on chums, it’s only a twenty foot tall solid steel roboNAZI with laserdeath eyes! I used to strangle them barehanded back on pop’s ranch! Yeah, ranch! Let me take care of this!"
Davy Crockett rolls up his sleeves, and then applies his MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT to the dinoPANZER burning to death in front of him! ...As if struck by a righteous southern meteorite the dinoPANZER launches into the air, trailing a wake of flame behind it. ...Paul McCartney ducks and rolls as the dinoPANZER flies past where his head once used to be, hitting the dirt only just in time to look up and see the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER raise both his solid steel arms to his face in a terrified attempt at self-preservation!
...The ROBOT NAZI TROOPER vanishes in a cloud of flame and mighty explosion as a mushroom cloud of burning dinoPANZER blasts thousands of yards into the night sky! The burning apartment block collapses into a pile of fine dust, powdered communist brick shockwaving through the town square and painting everything within a mile in a light covering of red! Communists everywhere receive a three turn +1 morale bonus! As the smoke clears, nothing is left to be seen except a burning crater, at the bottom of which can be found a pair of smoking steel Nazi boots.
Behind the destroyed building the burning skeletons of half a dozen destroyed dinoPANZERS emerge from the smoke as it clears!
Get that fire outta me hair! Then hide behind some rubble, or something.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Standing in the open between the drop pod and his tank-kicking comrade Crockett, Steve Irwin is too flabbergasted by the amazing destructive power of the Texan boot, and forgets to put out his burning hair! He stands on a piece of nearby rubble to get a better view!
Suddenly a falling piece of robotic Nazi arm descends from the sky, piercing Stevo’s guts!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Heavy Gut Bleeding!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
+1 Maths bonus to bowienaut attacks. One turn left.
+1 Morale bonus to communists. Two turns left.
Spoiler: !!Steve Irwin!!, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on April 19, 2012, 08:53:20 am
Also, that had a bit more effect than I thought it would.
Perhaps we should withdraw a bit while roboSTALIN approaches?
Post by: kisame12794 on April 19, 2012, 09:38:59 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 19, 2012, 10:09:33 am
We were supposed to be using stealth?Yeah, I think we should. Retreat to me, and hopefully patch up Steve.
Also, that had a bit more effect than I thought it would.
Perhaps we should withdraw a bit while roboSTALIN approaches?
Patch up Steve using my medikit, which apparently boomeranged back to me after Toaster used it.
Post by: Toaster on April 19, 2012, 10:11:21 am
"That was effective."
Retreat back to Archi, helping Paul if he needs it.
Post by: freeformschooler on April 19, 2012, 11:09:12 am
Post by: Talarion on April 20, 2012, 01:15:01 am
Post by: lawastooshort on April 20, 2012, 03:47:40 pm
TURN SEVEN
Retreat to Archimedes!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
In the hellish burning night of the ruined Soviet town square, Archimedes of Syracuse is alarmed. ...There seems to be a burning ball of flame coming towards him at head height!
”Oh, it’s just your burning head, Steve. I must say, that’s quite a relief. For a second I thought we were under attack from burning balls of flame! Ooh – what’s that? Watch out!!”
Archimedes spots something non-burning hurtling towards him at head height. He thrusts out a hand! He catches his medikitarang!
”Gosh!”
Paul also retreats back to Archimedes and helps with patching everyone up if he can!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
”Come on Davy, we need to regroup and get back to Stevo. I might have lost a leg, but Stevo’s head’s on fire – we’ve gotta help him!”
...Spotting Stevo’s flaming head bobbing towards Archimedes’ rally point by the drop pod, Paul McCartney retreats back to his companions on one leg!
Retreat back to Archi, helping Paul if he needs it.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"That was effective," notices Davy Crockett astutely, ...before heading over to his regrouping comrades. ”At least Paul seems to be doing ok with his leg…”
Patch up Steve using my medikit, which apparently boomeranged back to me after Toaster used it.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Gosh!” exclaims Archimedes, ...as he catches his apparently boomerang-enabled Chinese medikit. ”Now, first things first, Steve. We’ve got to extinguish the fire on your head.”
...So saying, Archimedes wraps Stevo’s head in a weighty quantity of bandages, stifling the fire and slaying the flames! Stevo immediately feels quite better!
”Right. Now, I calculate that your heavy blood loss could prove quite fatal if we don’t do something about it,” bedside-manners Archimedes in the orange glow of the still-smouldering speedo remains burning in the square about him and his small band of companions. ”You’ve got this robotic Nazi arm sticking out of one side, and this hideous defilement of a wound on the other. What in the name of the gods happened there, Steve?”
”I… I… Paul won’t tell me, mate. Whatever it was it was so horrible I kind of blacked out for a second there. Crikey! I hope I never remember! The last thing I knew the speedocommunist thrust his groin towards me, and then…” Steve Irwin trails off into silence.
”Well, ok. I can patch this wound up, but I recommend you get professional help when we get back. You know, counselling and stuff. Now, could everyone look away for a second?”
”Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
”Right, anyway,” says Archimedes, rearranging his robes. “Last things last. You seem to have a slight trickle of blood coming from this scratch on your ear, my friend. Unfortunately I will have to remove the bandage from your head to get at it. Brace yourself, I’m going to give it a good hard tug.”
”Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrcrikeymatewhatthehellwasthat?!”
”Er. Nothing. The operation was a success, Steve! The bleeding has ceased!”
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Right Ear Ripped Off!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
+1 Morale bonus to communists. One turn left.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 20, 2012, 03:53:59 pm
Enter the closest building and head to the roof. I want to see the Nazis/communists coming.
((Do you think someone would call down an artillery barrage on this location. After all, we weren't that stealthy.))
Post by: freeformschooler on April 20, 2012, 06:21:07 pm
Paul strums his guitar and sings another soothing and hopefully healing song for all who stick around!
"When I find myself in trouble
David Bowie comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in our hour of darkness
Ol' Marcus looks down on us
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of courage
Words of wisdom, let it be"
Post by: Toaster on April 20, 2012, 08:44:44 pm
Take cover from a good sniping vantage point and pick off any reds trying to approach.
I could always use my Tennessee medical skills to fashion Stevo a new ear!
Post by: Spinal_Taper on April 21, 2012, 02:52:01 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on April 24, 2012, 04:20:46 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on April 25, 2012, 04:19:11 pm
TURN EIGHT
Attempt to patch myself up
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...Steve Irwin doesn't notice that Archimedes of Syracuse has run off with his Chinese medkit! He tries to patch himself up! He fails! He doesn't lose any limbs though.
Maybe next time!
Paul strums his guitar and sings another soothing and hopefully healing song for all who stick around!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh, boy. We're all beat up, aren't we, boys?” says Paul McCartney to his gathered comrades. “That Archimedes fellow looks like he's heading somewhere else, but I guess those of us who'll stay behind to heal could use a few words of wisdom, hmm?”
Paul swings his guitar round from behind his back and plays a couple of notes to get his bearing.
"When I find myself in times of trouble
David Bowie comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in our hour of darkness
Ol' Marcus looks down on us
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of courage
Words of wisdom, let it be!"
...As the song ceases and distant gunfire fills the silence, Paul feels moderately better! Almost as if re-filled with a randomly decided amount of blood! Stevo doesn't seem to dig Paul's tunes though, remaining despondently in the corner trying to fashion a bandage out of a nearby burnt brick.
Take cover from a good sniping vantage point and pick off any reds trying to approach.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Davy, though, looks like he totally digs Paul's tunes! He gets up, ready to dance!
Take cover, men!” he suddenly cries, in fact, “It's an Alamo situation coming up here!"
...Davy Crockett rushes in Archimedes' direction, into the nearest building and running up the stairs several at a time, finding himself a good concealed position behind the remains of a small wall at the top of the building. He starts to hum to himself as he scans the horizon and spots the Greek posted at the next corner along.
Suddenly the sky briefly darkens, bullets fly all around, and Davy hears a scream!
Enter the closest building and head to the roof. I want to see the Nazis/communists coming.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes wants to see them coming, so he strolls into the nearest building and heads up to the roof. He looks about, shielding his eyes from the burning midnight Soviet moon. Just as he notices several dinoPANZERS approaching over the horizon he sees movement out of he corner of his eye!
He jumps round to see, to his relief, Davy Crockett join him on the rooftop.
But suddenly bullets fly all around, cases exploding down on the roof, and a dark shadow passes over the two bowienauts as the roof begins to disintegrate!
...When the explosions stop and Davy gets to his feet, he sees the helpless Archimedes of Syracuse being carried away by a vast pteroschmitt! It looks like the luftosaur is coming round for a second strafe!
(http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/110/e/e/pteroschimitt_109_by_caellath-d4wypir.png)
“Lads!” shouts Davy Crockett. “Archy's been carried off by some kind of vast pteroschmitt! He's OH GOOD LORD THE NAZI BEAST IS COMING ROUND FOR ANOTHER RUN! Hit the dirt!”
“Davy!” shouts back McCartney. “We don't have time for your strange beasts! We got contact at 12 o'clock! Three dinoPANZERS two hundred metres away and closing!”
“Metres?” asks Davy. “Are they communists?”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Caellath on April 25, 2012, 04:30:56 pm
...Er...I mean Bowienauts, of course.
Edit: You are welcome.
Post by: Spinal_Taper on April 25, 2012, 04:37:15 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on April 25, 2012, 05:23:37 pm
Paul McCartney plays his secret FROG CHORUS SONG!
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
Falling from the sky
Green raindrops, oh my
My frog chorus is here
To bring musical cheer!
Quickly they arrive
Singing frogs alive
Now I command you, frog chorus
Distract our foes for us!
Singing frogs
Singing frogs
Raining from above
Oh what fun it is to rhyme
On a blazing battlefield, hey!
Singing frogs
Singing frogs
Raining from above
Oh what fun it is to rhyme
As you hop on foes for us!
Post by: monk12 on April 25, 2012, 10:02:12 pm
Post by: Toaster on April 25, 2012, 10:47:13 pm
On the other hand, I just kicked a tank into a giant nazi robot.
Hop off the building, grab Stevo by the collar, and OHIO LEAP onto the pteroschmitt! Assist Stevo with subduing it!
Tal, might I suggest wrestling it into submission so we have not only a mount but a potential escape route?
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 26, 2012, 12:09:10 am
Post by: Talarion on April 26, 2012, 01:03:24 am
Wrestle that luftosaur into submission! Tame it for my own usage, with the help of Davy.
Post by: lawastooshort on April 26, 2012, 05:49:30 am
TURN NINE
Paul McCartney plays his secret FROG CHORUS SONG!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Ol' Archimedes is more important than those tanks. You boys focus on getting him down somehow! I'll distract the JurassoPANZERs with my secret weapon!"
Paul McCartney gets out his acoustic guitar!
Falling from the sky
Green raindrops, oh my
My frog chorus is here
To bring musical cheer!
Quickly they arrive
Singing frogs alive
Now I command you, frog chorus
Distract our foes for us!
Singing frogs
Singing frogs
Raining from above
Oh what fun it is to rhyme
On a blazing battlefield, hey!
Singing frogs
Singing frogs
Raining from above
Oh what fun it is to rhyme
As you hop on foes for us!
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
...As Paul comes to the end of his inspiring ditty, the sky darkens once more! It turns a hint of dark grey-green as a cloud passes overhead, and thousands of frogs rain down upon the ground! They venerate McCartney with extreme prejudice, falling to the ground before hopping up to his face and giving it a good hard lick, crowding up upon each other until the force of the adoring mass of amphibian knocks the Last Beatle to the ground! In their passionate idolisation of the famous musician the frogs start to inadvertently trample the poor man, and he begins to struggle to breathe! He starts to swim upwards and outwards of the slimy green ball pit, but then as he gasps for air a frog lodges itself in his mouth!
Hop off the building, grab Stevo by the collar, and OHIO LEAP onto the pteroschmitt! Assist Stevo with subduing it!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
...Hopping off the three story building, Davy Crockett cuts his manly chest!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Light Chest Bleeding
“Hmm,” he mumbles to himself, landing next to Steve Irwin. “That was… less serious than it could have been. Here, Stevo!” he announces loudly, “Let’s subdue that damn Nazi luftosaur! He’s carrying away our ancient Greek philosopher!”
...Davy grabs the startled Aussie by the collar and then uses his terrifying mental strength to picture the air as if filled with water: with water the very same colour and consistency as the mighty Ohio! He wades forth into the air, blasting through the firmament with Steve Irwin dangling beneath him, trailing blood from his manly waxed chest as he blazes an interception course towards the pterowaffic kidnapper!
...Davy Crockett flies upwards at such speed the pteroschmitt is unable to react! He continues up to the apex of his jump, flinging Steve Irwin onto the neck of the Nazi dinosaur before leaping through the air onto the fiend’s Nazi dinosaur head!
Davy Crockett starts assisting Steve with subduing the Nazi dinosaur, elbowing it in the face and punching its eyes!
Wrestle that luftosaur into submission! Tame it for my own usage, with the help of Davy.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Flung into the sky by Davy Crockett’s mighty mental fortitude, Steve “Stevo” Irwin suddenly finds himself clinging to the neck of a foul Nazi dinosaur! He gets it in a headlock and starts kneeing it in the ribs in a vaguely erotic fashion!
“D’yer give in? D’yer give in? Come on, you beauty! You’re a feisty one, eh! Oh, crikey mates! I think the pteroschmitt has lost control of himself! He’s going into a dive! I don’t know if the wings can handle it!”
...Stevo climbs further up the luftosaur’s neck like an Aussie National Hero shimmying up a coconut tree, and finally reaches its head! He leans in close, and whispers something into the dinosaur’s ear! He leans back, grabbing the fiend by its chin, and finally manages to wrestle the craft out of its dive, flying down low over the frog-stricken McCartney before looping up and getting into a steady climb!
Mount Acquired! Steve Irwin: Subdued Nazi Pteroschmitt. ...Six turns remaining.
Orbital doom from above. Use the solar laser on the Dinotanks. Use Elemental mathematics to assist myself in landing if that pterosaur somehow can't carry 3 people.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes wails through the air underneath the giant Nazi pterodactyl cyborg beast, his splendorous although if I remember correctly rather soiled robes flowing in the wind about him. All of a sudden he feels a strong manly hand about his shoulders, and he finds himself being hauled on to the back of the pteroschmitt to find himself face to face with Davy Crockett!
...He immediately sets up his sun ray mirrors on the back of the flying Nazi dinosaur, readying them for action next turn!
Whilst aiming his mirrors, he sees the dinoPANZERS advance: they start raining shells down upon Paul McCartney’s position! Bits of frog fly in all directions! He is still submerged in writhing living frog flesh though.
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Light Head Wound!
As the trio of Nazi armed beasts approach on the hapless Beatle, they are suddenly distracted, and veer hard to their left!
The frog-covered McCartney can see nothing, but the bowienauts cruising above on the subdued Nazi dinosaur see flashes of lightning! They see a man hurling balls of fire! They see a man with some kind of electrical contraption strapped to the head of a giant charging polar bear! As he stands on the back of the polar bear to pose with his hands apparently on fire, the Nazi tank nearest him bursts into electrical flame, and the dinohead atop its turret keels over and groans to death!
Lightning dances in the air!
INTRODUCING: SPECIAL GUEST STAR!
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
NIKOLA TESLA: VISIONARY OCD SCIENTIST AND LIGHTNING LOVER!
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Suddenly, the Special Guest Star’s thunder is not quite literally stolen when the Magnificent Timelord interrupts his polar bear mounted posing!
”Hey chaps. ‘Sup? We seem to be picking up readings which suggest that ROBOSTALIN is currently bogged down on a bridge to the north east of your position. He is heavily under attack by Nazi foot troopers and is locked in hand to hand combat, but his power readings seem to be growing as he fights: you need to get there before he reaches preposterous proportions and before he gathers more unarmed communists about him! We are also picking up radio chatter about a terrible foe fighting many unarmed communists to death: we can’t tell what it is yet, but I advise caution. Oh yeah, also, there seems to be some sort of time anomaly going on in your immediate vicinity, so let us know if you see something strange going on. It’s hard to tell with these kinds of things if they are beneficial or totally hostile even though at first they might seem like totally sweet allies. Anyway. Over and out dudes.”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Mount Acquired! Steve Irwin: Subdued Nazi Pteroschmitt. Six turns remaining.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on April 26, 2012, 08:05:24 am
"Good show, men! Let's get these metal beasts and meet our target!"
Provide covering fire for anyone assaulting the dinoPANZERs.
Also, I forgot to mention it, but the meter line from last turn was hilarious.
Post by: Tiruin on April 26, 2012, 08:32:55 am
Post by: freeformschooler on April 26, 2012, 08:48:11 am
Paul McCartney spits the frog out of his mouth!
"Much better. Gosh. I hope this is enough to get these frogs off my backs!"
Paul McCartney points his acoustic guitar towards the sky and strums a gentle loving chord at the heavens in hopes of distracting the frogs! And signaling the ptero-team to pick him up.
"What are you waiting for, boys? Get me off of here!"
Post by: Zako on April 26, 2012, 09:04:18 am
Also, sweet pic with that dino. NICE.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 26, 2012, 10:21:46 am
Bombing run! DO A BOMBING RUN!As you which.
Also, sweet pic with that dino. NICE.
Fire the lasers at the Dinotank, then I think we should be off to go and see to Robostalin. Oh also, if there's time patch up my crewmates.
Post by: monk12 on April 26, 2012, 10:26:07 am
And I swear, this game keeps getting more and more hilarious.
Post by: FuzzyZergling on April 26, 2012, 10:48:52 am
Ride the lightning! And by lightning I mean bear.
Post by: Caellath on April 26, 2012, 10:52:03 am
Ride the lightning!Guilty as charged.
Post by: monk12 on April 26, 2012, 11:10:50 am
Ride the lightning!Guilty as charged.
(http://t.qkme.me/35hyxi.jpg)
Post by: kisame12794 on April 26, 2012, 02:17:17 pm
Bombing run! DO A BOMBING RUN!Do a barrel roll! (Press R twice to do a Barrel roll)
Also, sweet pic with that dino. NICE.
FTFY
Post by: kisame12794 on April 26, 2012, 02:18:03 pm
Post by: Talarion on April 27, 2012, 12:48:19 am
Post by: lawastooshort on April 28, 2012, 03:35:19 pm
TURN TEN
Paul McCartney spits the frog out of his mouth!
Paul McCartney points his acoustic guitar towards the sky and strums a gentle loving chord at the heavens in hopes of distracting the frogs! And signaling the ptero-team to pick him up.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh, bmmf. I camf paffify 'is maff frogf af onf."
Suddenly Paul McCartney surfaces amidst the pile of writhing moist frog and ...with tremendous vigour blasts his mouthfrog into the sky! An incandescent trail of frogfear shoots through the darkness! A veritable vertical frog migration commences!
"Much better. Gosh. I hope this is enough to get these frogs off my back!"
Direct the luftosaur to DO ABARREL ROLL!BOMBING RUN!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...On board the luftosaur all hell is breaking loose, although not in the derm sense.
“Alert! Alert! Crikey mate, bloody alert, fellas! Shit! We taking heavy anti-aircraft fire, we got tracerfrogs coming from 12 o’clock! Taking evasive action, mates!”
“DO A BARREL ROLL!” shout Archimedes, barely hanging on in the onrushing wind.
“What?” cries back Stevo, dangerously looking back towards his ancient Greek passenger.
“DO A BARREL ROLL!”
“Eh?”
“DO A… YOU NEED… ARGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!”
Provide covering fire for anyone assaulting the dinoPANZERs.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Suddenly the pteroschmitt takes a hard left as Stevo yanks its head round to avoid an oncoming burst of frogflak. Archimedes struggles to keep his footing!
"Damn it, keep her steady!” shouts Davy Crockett. “Let's get these metal beasts and meet our target!"
Davy takes aim as Stevo wrestles for control, lining his flintlock rifle up to the dinoPANZER trundling menacingly across the battlefield below.
He fires!
...He misses!
The dinoPANZER beneath sees the source of the incoming fire, and breaks off from charging towards Nikola Tesla and his electric polar bear to aim his mighty turret at the hijacked pteroschmitt above.
He fires!
...He narrowly misses as Steve Irwin yanks hard on the neck of the Nazi dinosaur, sending the monstrous aircraft into a spin, rolling over onto its left and thrusting its belly at the sky before barreling back round to a level position. Overcome with fratricidal Nazi bloodlust the pterosaur becomes enraged, and Stevo loses control! It hurtles at terrifying speed towards the dinoPANZER on the ground!
Fire the lasers at the Dinotank, then I think we should be of to go and see to Robostalin
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Arrrggrg!” shouts Archimedes as he struggles to stay upright on the revolving dinosaur. “You’re doing it wrong! You’re bloody well doing it wrong! Don’t point it at the ground! Pull up! PULL UP!”
“Look, if you’re such a bloody expert,” says Steve Irwin, unstrapping himself from his seat and opening the door in mid-flight, “Why don’t you drive? Eh? Let’s see ho-arrghhhhhhhhh!!”
All of a sudden the ground appears really bloody close, mate. The bowienauts are about to crash into the dinoPANZER at high speed! The pteroschmitt screams towards the rubble-strewn battlefield!
Steve leaps back into position without even doing his seatbelt back up and pulls hard on the controls! The wings and the engine groan and whine under the strain, but just as impact seems inevitable Stevo manages to violently throw the dinocraft into a climb, buzzing over the turret of the dinoPANZER as the bowienauts pass over it.
...Suddenly there’s a flash of light; a burst of sound; an enormous explosion! Stevo looks over his shoulder to see Archimedes standing on the back of the luftosaur, both hands on his solar laser array blasting fully automatic moon laser bolts into the Nazi armour below!
“Yeah! Take that!” Archimedes yells over the screech of the engine and the explosions of moon laser on the town square underneath. “Take that you… you… you Nazis! Take some maths!”
Direct the shocking power of my BEAR-MOUNTED COIL towards the enemies nearest the team of Bowienauts.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
Charging forth on his electric polar bear, Nikola Tesla suddenly halts his Nazi dinoPANZER hunt. One of the dinoPANZERS has turned and fired at some unseen foe! And a foe of a dinoPANZER is a friend of Nikola Tesla’s. He looks carefully upwards.
There seems to be a hijacked Nazi pteroschmitt approaching the battlefield in a vicious dive! It’s whining like a stukosaurus as it comes in for the attack! No! Wait! It seems entirely out of control, and there seems to be an Aussie National Hero straddling its neck and wrestling for control of the beast! Tesla can just about make out a crouching man with an antiquated rifle a couple of feet away from a robed figure standing behind some scientific apparatus on the back of the dinocraft.
His interest is piqued.
Science.
Hmm.
Suddenly he ducks in fear: the dinosaur appears to be doing a barrel roll! It appears to be entirely out of control! It hurtles despairingly towards the lead dinoPANZER, but at the last second control is wrested back and it flings itself lovingly into the sky, an arc of joy bursting off to safety as cosmic lunar laser rays begin to shoot on fully automatic off the back of the pterowaffeschmitt!
Traces of moon laser cascade down, until suddenly the dinoPANZER bursts into flame! A second later there is a echoing explosion, and the dinoPANZER shatters and blasts in a ball of fire a hundred feet across!
“Yeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaa!” Tesla swears he hears whistling away into the night sky. “Take my maths, you Nazi bastards!”
Morale boosted and joy renewed at the realisation there is but one Nazi dinoPANZER left before him, Tesla is spurred on in his Nazi-hunting quest and rides his electrified bear towards the sole survivor. With the reins in his teeth, he stands on the back of the bear, arms spread wide as he accumulates the electricity necessary to blast the foul armoured fiend to smithereens!
...Suddenly, just as Tesla is about to release the terrifying power building up in his bear-mounted coil a thousand migrating frogs rain back down to earth, tumbling all about, making ground and bear slippery with frogness. The bear rears in mid-charge, terrified by the sudden onslaught of awful amphibians. Nikola Tesla loses his balance! He falls backwards! He releases the shocking power of his bear-mounted coil before he can regain his footing, and only manages to electrify the damnable frogs raining down upon him!
As dozen after dozen of vengeful frogs electrocute the lightning lover, Tesla falls from his bear-mount, and smashes to the ground!
Wound Acquired: Nikola Tesla: Bleeding Chest!
Dazed, Nikola Tesla crawls up to raise his head, palms flat on the ground. He seems to see a ray of musical energy rise into the sky, scattering vertically migrating frogs as it shoots upwards like some kind of signal. Just before the turn ends he gets to his knees to see the wild-flying Nazi pteroschmitt swoop down over the battlefield, diving in to the source of the musical beam.
There is a joyous shout that reverberates across the town square.
"What are you waiting for, boys? Get me off of here!"
Through the smoke of the burning dinoPANZERS he can just about make out the figure of a nineteenth century American frontiersman hang over the side and grab Paul McCartney by the shoulders and swing him on the back of the tamed Nazi dinosaur.
Tesla rises to his feet and whistles sharply for his electric polar bear to return.
He is face to face with the surviving dinoPANZER!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Mount Acquired! Steve Irwin: Subdued Nazi Pteroschmitt. Five turns remaining.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Caellath on April 28, 2012, 03:43:16 pm
Dazed, Nikola Tesla crawls up to raise his head, palms flat on the ground.
Nikola Tesla, palms flat on the ground.
Post by: FuzzyZergling on April 28, 2012, 05:45:42 pm
Clean my hands with the Science WipesTM I keep on myself at all times.
Post by: monk12 on April 28, 2012, 08:26:11 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on April 28, 2012, 09:06:40 pm
Paul clamps down on the back of the Luftosaur and prepares to reveal his MIGHTY SPEEDOGUTS in hopes of making the DinoPANZER feel insecure!
Post by: Toaster on April 28, 2012, 11:00:16 pm
Continue to covering fire!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 29, 2012, 02:50:46 am
Post by: Talarion on April 30, 2012, 11:04:22 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on May 01, 2012, 06:47:07 am
TURN ELEVEN
Paul clamps down on the back of the Luftosaur and prepares to reveal his MIGHTY SPEEDOGUTS in hopes of making the DinoPANZER feel insecure!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Whoa, who's driving this thing?” worries Paul. ”Never mind that, it looks like that electric chap over there needs our help!"
Holding on tight to the back of the tamed Nazi dinosaur, Paul McCartney gets ready to whip out his mighty SPEEDOGUTS to intimidate the dinoPANZER. ...But his shirt is stuck in his pants, and he can’t get his guts out!
Save Nikola Tesla! By Swerving the Luftosaur close and LEAPING ONTO THE dinoPANZER! And letting Davy take control!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Just then Paul has to hold on doubletight as Stevo takes the luftosaur into a sharp dive, swerving down towards the dinoPANZER before ...absent-mindedly falling off the hideous airborne beast and flailing through the air!
He lands on the dinoPANZER’s head, and bounces to the floor!
”Crikey, mate!” he says as he looks up. ”Are you Nikola Tesla? What are you doing here? And what’s my brain doing over there?”
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severed Brain!
Continue to covering fire!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Is that man controlling lightning?" marvels Davy Crockett, temporarily lowering his rifle. He soon realises his mistake and raises it again, taking a quick pop at the dinoPANZER below. ...Evidently dismayed at the heavy rifle fire they’re taking, the crew of the dinoPANZER close the hatches!
Hang on! The dinoPANZER seems to be getting closer and closer!
Oh wait! Steve Irwin seems to be tumbling to the ground!
Oh dear! Wasn’t Stevo piloting this contraption?
Fix up the other bowienauts. It's not like that other dinopanzer is a threat or something.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes of Syracuse is feeling in a medical state of mind. His comrades are bleeding! They need help!
With Chinese medikit in hand he ...rushes over to Paul McCartney, ready to patch up his terrible light head wound! But suddenly the pteroschmitt hurtles into a terrifying dive towards the ground, and Archimedes slips forwards, loses his footing, and slides across the back of the pteroschmitt, ...falling towards Davy Crockett.
He reaches out a hand. He grabs Crockett’s leg! He feels something grab his leg! Something sharp!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Bruised Leg!
He screams!
He falls!
Suddenly he finds himself tumbling through the air, pulling Davy towards the ground with one hand and fending off a ravenous crockofoot with the other!
He lands!
He screams!
He cushions Davy Crockett’s fall!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Heavily Bleeding Face!
”Blast.” realises Paul. ”I’m all alone up here… Just me and my tamed Nazi flying warbeast. Hmm.”
Clean my hands with the Science WipesTM I keep on myself at all times.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
With bowienauts falling from the sky all about him, Nikola Tesla realises what he has to- OHMYGODMYHANDSMYHANDSMYHANDSMYHANDSTHEFILTH!
...Tesla jumps to his feet, pulling out his Science WipesTM. He scrubs his hands so clean they shine! They shine so bright they blind! Panicked that he could be covered in dirt he can’t even see, poor Nikola Tesla runs off screaming to ...the south east! His electric polar bear charges after him! Suddenly the main gun of the dinoPANZER starts tracking with a strange dinosaury motor type sound. It fires!
...In his blind panicking run Tesla manages to avoid the explosion of the large shell that bursts forth from the Nazi tankosaur!
In his blind panicking run Tesla runs directly into the burning fountain of filth! Amazingly he falls right over the edge of the fountain, rolling over and landing on his feet!
His feet are on fire!
Item Acquired: Nikola Tesla: Science WipesTM
Wound Acquired: Nikola Tesla: Burning Filthy Feet!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Mount Acquired! Steve Irwin: Subdued Nazi Pteroschmitt. Four turns remaining.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: !!Nikola Tesla!!, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 01, 2012, 06:54:12 am
Multiply this + Heal self.
(I propose we try to take over the tank. Also I won't be able to post more till saterday, so...)
Post by: freeformschooler on May 01, 2012, 07:27:08 am
Paul McCartney sets the LUFTOSAUR's course full speed ahead towards the dinoPANZER! At the very last moment, he plans to leap off to avoid the impending war-dino-on-war-dino collision!
Post by: Talarion on May 01, 2012, 07:56:41 am
Post by: Toaster on May 01, 2012, 08:03:11 am
Rip the turret from the dinoPANZER to use as a personal weapon! Apply the MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT for leverage if necessary!
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 02, 2012, 12:20:31 pm
I see it, but I wouldn't worry about it.Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
(Also, are my hands clean or dirty? the status doesn't list any penalties, but the [ abbr ] for mysophobe says dirty.)
Mount my bear and demonstrate the superiority of Alternating Currents over Direct Currents (by bathing that DINOtank in lightning)!
Post by: lawastooshort on May 03, 2012, 08:24:37 am
TURN TWELVE
Rip the turret from the dinoPANZER to use as a personal weapon! Apply the MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT for leverage if necessary!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Davy Crockett is sprawled on
“No wonder I ended up falling on a nearby Greek philosopher!” he mumbles to himself. “I was trying to take down an armoured and bio-armed Nazi war machine with my antiquated black powder weapon! No sir! What I need is something more suited to these strangely overmodern times I find myself transported to! Yes sir!”
He rises to his feet.
He finds himself face to face with the gun turret of the lurking dinoPANZER.
His slightly stunned brain whirs into action: he grabs hold of the gun! He wrestles it up and down and back and forth, but can’t quite get it loose – there’s only one thing for it!
Holding tight to the end of the gun, he gives the turret some of his MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT!
...The turret is torn free! It flies into the air! It travels hundreds of metres to the east!
And so does the attached Davy Crockett!
Item Acquired! Davy Crockett: Nazi Gun Turret
Wound Acquired! Davy Crockett: Severe Arm Bleeding!
Multiply this + Heal self.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Freed from the American that so recently landed on him, Archimedes gets up. He can’t see a thing! Milliseconds away from running blindly around in a wild panic, he realises he is bleeding heavily from the face, and the blood in his eyes is stopping him from seeing.
...He cleans himself up! He slaps a plaster on his bleeding face!
And then he sees the dinoPANZER. What the hell is Davy trying to- oh gosh! Where’s Davy going?!
“Chaps! We have to take down this Nazi war machine and find Mr Crockett! He’s just flown directly towards the last known position of ROBOSTALIN! Here, check out these algorithms, they might help or something!”
...Archimedes starts his by now familiar frantic arm waving, shouting manically about x and y before launching into what the casual observer might describe as a nineteenth century traditional English Morris dance! His knees reach his chest! His elbows flap out wide! He squats down low! The power of maths pervades the square, and his comrades all feel enhanced!
TACKLE THAT DINOPANZER, MATE!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Feeling pretty enhanced, mate, Steve Irwin ignores his brain lying mere feet away and stands. That damn dinoPANZER’s still there, fella! And he looks pretty pissed! Crikey!
Just as the dinoHEAD on the dinoPANZER turns to attack, Stevo leaps vertically into the air, backflipping over and landing on the head with his firm thighs clamped fast around the dinoJAWS! The dinoHEAD strains to open his monstrous jaws as Stevo leans in with his croc-whispering magical ways!
“Easy fella!” he whispers loudly in its ear. “There, there. It’s all gonna be ok. Oh! Look! Crikey mate! What’s that over there!”
With the dinoHEAD’s attention diverted, Steve Irwin nuts him in the face! He elbows him in the eye! He breaks his nose! He whips his belt off and ties it around the dinoJAWS before jumping off the dinoHEAD onto the armoured body of the tank. He delivers a stern admonishment!
“Right, you dumb croc! You’ve been a very naughty – HEY! Listen to me when I’m talking to you. Look at me. LOOK AT ME! I’m gonna count to three, mate, and then I’m gonna rip your head off and throw it on the time out step if you don’t behave. One. Two. Gosh, you’re a feisty fella aren’t you? THREE!”
...Steve Irwin rips the Nazi dinoHEAD off the tank! He throws it onto the nearest naughty step! Seeing a high speed diving luftosaur coming right at him he leaps off the armoured hull and ducks and rolls into cover!
Paul McCartney sets the LUFTOSAUR's course full speed ahead towards the dinoPANZER! At the very last moment, he plans to leap off to avoid the impending war-dino-on-war-dino collision!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Don't worry, Mr. Electricity, ol' chap!” screams Paul McCartney at the top of his voice as he enters a fearsome dive on his pteroschmitt. ”I will save yooouuuuu!"
...At the very last moment, he leaps off to avoid the war-dino-on-war-dino explosion, tearing his guitar off his back and gripping tight onto both ends as he holds it above his head and floats gently down to the ground.
He just has time to duck and roll into cover before a massive fireball erupts into the night sky!
His expert ducking and rolling saves him from the waves of burning napalm that shoot out in all directions!
Mount my bear and demonstrate the superiority of Alternating Currents over Direct Currents (by bathing that DINOtank in lightning)!
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
Nikola Tesla is pretty impressed. He’s an expert dinoPANZER hunter, and even he couldn’t have taken one out as quickly as these Level Three Bowienauts! Although I suppose there were more than one. Although I suppose they don’t have an electric polar bear.
Just then the smoke clears, and four armed Nazi crew members stagger out of the shattered hull of the Nazi contraption. They raise their submachine guns whilst the bowienauts are still taking cover from the mighty fireball, spraying …Archimedes with Nazi bullets! The first Nazi ...misses and suddenly Tesla remembers that Hitler was really into Direct Current! He’s totally enraged!
Tesla mounts his bear, grabbing the collar with one hand and swinging himself over its back before giving it a gentle prod in the sides with his feet. It charges forward!
Tesla’s electric polar bear busts the second Nazi to the ground before he can fire, and then rears onto its back feet as Tesla stands in the stirrups with electricity radiating outwards form his hands and his hair radiating outwards from his head.
A godlike crack bursts across the Speedograd night sky!
Boom!
Pure lightning bursts from Tesla’s fingertips as he fires bolt after bolt into the Nazi infidels who seem to turn into xrays of themselves before they burst into a shower of flaming flesh and bones!
A Nazi thigh bone flies through the air, impaling …Archimedes through the chest and breaking his liver!
“Argh!” he shouts, quickly and correctly diagnosing the problem. “My liver! My liver!”
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Broken Liver!
“Come on guys,” interrupts Paul McCartney. “We’ve gotta find Davy, man. I think he got flung to the east! We’ve gotta save him! He’d do the same for any one of us!”
Suddenly!
Suddenly the assembled bowienauts hear the magical mystical voice of the Magnificent Timelord. It sounds as if he’s directly above them!
“Hey guys! Look up dudes – I’m directly above you!”
So he is! David Bowie is gliding above the battlefield in his special winged sequin costume powered by his extra-tight jeans!
“Marcus was getting a bit demanding so I thought I’d take a break – I don’t get to see much field action nowadays so I fired up my special flightsuit. I’m gonna drop some spacetentacles down on my next run past. Grab hold!”
And then!
Swinging wildly in the wind as they cling to David Bowie’s multiple umbilical cords, the bowienauts are soon soaring into the sky towards the east, and the last known destination of Davy Crockett.
The four timechampions and the polar bear glide gently through the night, wafting in the putrid air over Speedograd, taking in the horrifying view and listening to Bowie’s anecdotes about that time when you know?
“…and so I said to him, no way man, and morphed into my Stardust form as my backup guitar materialised. He started to run but there’s no escaping from timejustice, man. I totally- oh, crap, guys, that’s Crockett’s location just ahead! He must’ve landed on the bridge! I don’t think I can put you down there with all those communists milling about, dudes, and I’m not risking the rockets today… we’re going to have to figure out a way to get you down to Crockett so you can all get back into the fight!”
As he glides, the Magnificent Timelord points ahead. In the burning light of Speedograd the bowienauts can make out the famous bridge over the Volga in the centre of the city. Their neural implants beep with Crockett’s location at the western end! As one they switch to night vision to get a better view. The injured Crockett is in hand-to-hand combat with several dozen unarmed communists!
They scan further along to the centre of the bridge, where their attention is immediately grabbed by the monstrous form of the forty foot tall ROBOSTALIN!
INTRODUCING: THE FIENDISH DESTROYER OF FREEDOM: ROBOSTALIN!
(http://tnypic.net/61727.png)
Spoiler: ROBOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
There’s a short pause as Bowie zooms into to ultraclose and scans the figure fighting the Soviet dictator.
“Oh shit… How the hell did he get there? I’ve had run-ins with this guy before… I’ve no idea how he turned up here. He seems to be fighting ROBOSTALIN, so we can’t just take him down. It could be a trap though. I’m gonna make one final pass to see if we can gauge his intentions, then I’ll strafe Davy’s position and hold a steady course so you can jump off. Ready fellas? Davy? Can you hear me? If you can, then get your arse into cover, I’m going to take down those 50 or so communists round you, okay?”
INTRODUCING: SPECIAL GUEST STAR!
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Bowie glides over the battlefield, silent and low, giving the bowienauts a ringside view as ROBOSTALIN stoops to aim a punch at Rasputin, the Black Monk!
…Blood spurts out the side of Rasputin’s head, but he ignores the pain and …aims a hard kick at ROBOSTALIN’S groin. ROBOSTALIN starts to bleed severely!
Wound Acquired! Rasputin, the Black Monk: Heavy Head Bleeding!
Wound Acquired! ROBOSTALIN: Severe Groin Bleeding!
At the western end of the bridge, Crockett swings his knife in a vicious circle …, taking down 3 communists whilst …Boone munches on the jawbone of another!
The two nearest survivors jump forward, …aimlessly flailing their fists at the brave American hero!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Mount Acquired! Paul McCartney: Subdued Nazi Pteroschmitt. EXPLODED.
Maths Bonus! +1 to all attack rolls. One turn remaining.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: !!Nikola Tesla!!, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: ROBOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR ROBOSTALIN’S ACTIONS
Post by: freeformschooler on May 03, 2012, 09:11:25 am
"Let's take down Joseph Robot Stalin, boys!"
Paul McCartney DRAMATICALLY WHIPS OUT HIS GUITAR and swings it in the air as he aims a GENTLE LOVING BEAM at Robot Stalin!
Post by: Tiruin on May 03, 2012, 10:02:04 am
Post by: Caellath on May 03, 2012, 10:10:49 am
ROBOSTALIN: Dance to Mr. Roboto while singing it. Produce destruction accordingly.
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on May 03, 2012, 10:43:51 am
I
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Also:
ROBOSTALIN: Dance to Mr. Roboto while singing it. Produce destruction accordingly.
This.
Post by: monk12 on May 03, 2012, 11:57:52 am
Also Beep Boop Bop
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 03, 2012, 01:10:20 pm
Post by: Toaster on May 03, 2012, 07:18:05 pm
"Got it, Bowie! Boone, watch out and ready your teeth!"
Using a HE round, gunturret jump directly toward ROBOSTALIN's face!
Post by: Talarion on May 04, 2012, 01:14:59 am
Post by: Spinal_Taper on May 04, 2012, 01:24:41 am
Post by: empfan on May 04, 2012, 06:21:46 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on May 04, 2012, 06:53:17 am
TURN THIRTEEN
Using a HE round, gunturret jump directly toward ROBOSTALIN's face!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Got it, Bowie!” responds Davy Crockett, fending off yet another commie. ”Boone, watch out and ready your teeth!"
Crockett turns round and points his backside directly at ROBOSTALIN’S face and fires a high explosive round into the mass of unarmed communists approaching him from the east just as David Bowie glides past for a strafing run.
...A deafening boom reverberates amongst the shattered building at the western bridge end, and bits of communist fly into the air, accompanying Davy Crockett as he blasts himself towards the giant Soviet dictator! As the bowierockets rain down on the position Crockett just left, Boone the Crockofoot of Freedom readies himself in the air, backflipping Crockett 720 degrees in the sky before turning to face ROBOSTALIN head on! Arms stretched wide, Crockett aircharges the fiend whist yelling his ever-famous American warcry and slaps right into ROBOSTALIN’s face! Boone commences to munch on the armoured hideousness!
He chews away on the armoured nose whilst Crockett ...harmlessly punches Stalin’s ROBOEYE, ...but the armour plating is too thick! It’s all the pair can do to hold on, and hold on they do, dangling forty feet above the ground and grasping as hard as they can onto the dictatobot’s face features!
ROBOSTALIN’S face turns red with anger as these inconsequential anti-communists bother him. He vows to swat them away! Not even a full metre distant from his eye, Crockett is by far the largest anti-communist in view, and ROBOSTALIN thusly trains his STALIN EYE on him, hoping to STALINISE the brave folk hero!
Seeing the terrifying beam of redness shoot towards him, Crockett ...attempts to resist!
”Must… not… turn… Oh gosh, aren’t Marx’s ideas about the proletariat terribly convincing! I say! I hadn’t noticed before just how strongly I identify with the struggle of the workers. Hmm, I wonder where the headquarters of the Texan Communist Party is, I really must sign up!”
STATUS ACQUIRED: Davy Crockett: Temporarily Communist!
Paul McCartney DRAMATICALLY WHIPS OUT HIS GUITAR and swings it in the air as he aims a GENTLE LOVING BEAM at Robot Stalin!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Let's take down Joseph Robot Stalin, boys!" shouts McCartney, valiantly. He whips out his guitar really quite dramatically, and blasts a beam of gentle loving at ROBOSTALIN’S heart!
ROBOSTALIN looks a little confused, almost as if he’s beginning to wonder whether the revolution couldn’t perhaps be achieved via slightly less violent methods! He looks like he’s beginning to consider a sleep-in as his primary means of protest! ...He’s… oh wait, he’s a robot and he’s Stalin, he doesn’t look entirely convinced!
STATUS ACQUIRED: ROBOSTALIN: Emotionally Unsure!
Pick up my brain again and go to Archimedes for healing.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Meanwhile, Steve Irwin has realised his brain is missing! ...He attempts to pick it up, but then remembers he left it back on the floor by the burning fountain of filth!
“Crikey mate! What a bleedin’ galah! I left me brain! Oh that’s just extra grouse, mate!”
Quote from: me
Totally heal Stevo and stuff! Oh crap, and self.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Mr Irwin…” starts Archimedes, as he dangles off Bowie’s gliding spacetentacle. ”You appear to be bleeding quite severely… Let me patch you up.”
Archimedes ...totally patches up Stevo’s heavily bleeding brain wound, and then even remembers he’s bleeding himself! He whips out a plaster and sticks it over his broken and exposed liver. ...He feels much better!
Extinguish my feet.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
Tesla and his electric polar bear are also still flying through the air, carried by Bowie and his magical spacetentacles. As he looks down at the carnage beneath him, he suddenly works out the source of the pain in his feet.
They’re on fire!
Blast.
Rubbing them frantically against the inside of his lower leg..., he not only avoids setting his thighs on fire, he even manages to put out his feet!
Quote from: The Spirit of ROBOSTALIN!
ROBOSTALIN: Dance to Mr. Roboto while singing it. Produce destruction accordingly.
Also, Beep Boop Bop
(http://tnypic.net/61727.png)
ROBOSTALIN is not quite as pleased with himself as Nikola Tesla, even if he has just converted a staunch American to his ROBOCOMMUNIST cause!
Oh wait! He’s just converted a staunch American folk hero to his ROBOCOMMUNIST cause! ROBOSTALIN is very pleased! There’s only one thing for it!
Strange noises start to pour forth from his ROBOMOUTH. He appears to be attempting to sing some kind of celebratory robotic music! He awkwardly lifts his right foot. He then realises he prefer the left! It would seem he is attempting to dance!
...But then he realises that music and dancing is for the decadent West, and he stops, ashamed of his foolish antics.
He pauses for a second, fondly remembering the nostalgic past, back before his father forbade him to dance.
”MOTHER!!” he shouts. ”It could have all been so DIFFERENT! We could have seen the ballet TOGETHER!”
ROBOSTALIN rages forward towards Rasputin the Black Monk!
Quote from: empfan
Aha!
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
"Stay out of this, foreign imperialists!” yells Rasputin the Black Monk. ”This ROBOSON of a bitch will die by my hand!"
Keen to claim the scalp of the chief communist for himself and thereby avenge his fallen fellows, Rasputin is quite infuriated by the sudden appearance of these interfering westerners! Thrusting his hand inside his shirt, he appears to give himself a good rub!
...Suddenly the large chunks of rubble adorning the bridge over the Volga burst up into the sky, coalescing as one giant boulder a hundred feet in the air before falling back down upon ROBOSTALIN’S face!
...ROBOSTALIN attempts to dodge the falling boulder, but he’s too slow! His forehead paintwork is scratched, damaging the internal circuitry, and then the boulder bounces off and crashes into Davy Crockett!
Wound Acquired: ROBOSTALIN: Damaged Internal Circuitry!
Smashed off by the falling boulder, Crockett and Boone tumble to the floor forty feet below, ...miraculously unharmed and landing next to the boulder as it smashes back into pieces of Soviet rubble. The rubble slithers towards Rasputin, climbing up around his body and transforming into some kind of stony armour!
Item Acquired! Rasputin: Some Kind of Stony Armour!
As Rasputin watches the rubble cover his body, making its way up his legs and down his arms towards his hand, he suddenly notices ROBOSTALIN aim a vicious kick at his chin! ...He blocks the ROBOKICK with the palm of his right hand before delivering a sharp upper cut to ROBOSTALIN’S knee. ...The glancing blow glances right off, not even leaving a scratch!
Just then the smoke clears at the western end of the bridge, revealing a mass of blood and livers where once stood nigh on fifty violent yet unarmed communists!
”This is tango victor charlie one five, over. I need to head back to base to refuel and rearm. I’m going to put you folks down at the Nazi end of the bridge, is that ok?”
David Bowie swoops down low over the site of the destroyed communist horde, gliding several feet above the bridge to enable the bowienauts to let go of his spacetentacles without suffering any harm.
Archimedes, Steve Irwin, McCartney and Tesla with his electric polar bear group into an outwards facing circle and kneel as they take stock.
“Look!” shouts McCartney. ”There’s Crockett on the floor by ROBOSTALIN!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Maths Bonus! +1 to all attack rolls. One turn remaining.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: ROBOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
STILL TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR ROBOSTALIN’S ACTIONS
Post by: Caellath on May 04, 2012, 07:14:02 am
Post by: Toaster on May 04, 2012, 07:51:56 am
Crockett glances at his arm.
"Well, that explains the red!"
Patch up the arm! Use discarded communist bits if needed.
Post by: Tiruin on May 04, 2012, 08:41:18 am
ROBOSTALIN: Cry about how much your parents hated you and your father never let your try to be a professional ballerina. Remember to try some ballet moves and smash the nearest non-communist.
With your ROBOFISTS!
Post by: kisame12794 on May 04, 2012, 10:39:28 am
Post by: freeformschooler on May 04, 2012, 10:42:01 am
"I know you lot weren't helpful to me last time, but I don't hold it against you. In my mind there's no sorrow. So come forth, frogs! Distract ROBO STALIN!"
Paul McCartney once again sings his FROG SONG aka JINGLE FROGS! He commands the frogs to rain down upon ROBOSTALIN.
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 04, 2012, 02:14:05 pm
I'm not completely certain why Tesla brought his own bear, but damn if I'm not going to take advantage of it.
Post by: monk12 on May 04, 2012, 06:45:00 pm
ROBOSTALIN: Cry about how much your parents hated you and your father never let your try to be a professional ballerina. Remember to try some ballet moves and smash the nearest non-communist.
With your ROBOFISTS!
+1, Beep Beep Boop
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 05, 2012, 12:31:26 am
Not only am I throwing hot plamsa at him, but the heat will also ionize the air, meaning that the plasmaball is electrically charged. Moving electric charges around creates a magnetic effect, and therefore a small EMP.
Post by: Talarion on May 08, 2012, 06:43:20 am
Post by: lawastooshort on May 09, 2012, 06:58:38 am
TURN FOURTEEN
Paul McCartney raises his guitar once again and…
…once again sings his FROG SONG aka JINGLE FROGS! He commands the frogs to rain down upon ROBOSTALIN.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"I know you lot weren't helpful to me last time,” says McCartney in his singsong Liverpool accent, “But I don't hold it against you. In my mind there's no sorrow, in my soul there’s no regret. So come forth, frogs! Distract ROBO STALIN! Distract him with your hearts of green!"
Standing in the centre of the bowienauts at the eastern bridge end, Paul McCartney raises his guitar above his head, commanding the sky to rain down frogs upon the shining red robot of doom!
Patch up the arm! Use discarded communist bits if needed.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Oh... everything seems a little... red? Why don't the workers control the means of production?” Davy Crockett begins to angst. “What does that even mean?"
He glances down at his bleeding arm.
"Well, that explains the red!"
...He seems mightily relieved, but something still gnaws at the back of his mind. Something… painful… something… something about the injustice of the plight of the workers! Yes! He makes a mental note to set up a monthly bank transfer to his local frontiersman’s union when he gets back from his current mission and completely forgets about the blood spurting from his hideously wounded forearm.
Idly poking a nearby communist elbow with his non-crockofoot, Crockett muses about the unforgiveable decadence of the intelligentsia before wandering over to join his comrades.
Retrieve my brain, then Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown ROBOSTALIN!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Meanwhile Steve Irwin is still nostalgically yearning after his long lost brain, left lying about on the littered ground of the drop zone’s rubble-filled town square.
”Oh my brain!” he starts to sing, ”My dearest brain!”
I need you to feel mild pain!
Crikey mate! You leapt out my pate!
A brainless life is a sorry fate!
You know I’m not really entirely sure,
Just what bodily functions you were responsible for,
And I’m sorry I left you lying on that Soviet floor,
I would take better care of you if I could see you once more.
Just give me one more chance, oh baby!
But oh my brain! My dearest brain!
Is that you I see before me?
The shock of losing you nearly killed me
Is that you? Can it really be?
My brain is all I need to be happy!
We could be together once again,
My dearest brain, oh my dearest brain!
...Suddenly Stevo sees his severed brain before him! Screaming and wailing his loved one’s name, he jumps to his feet and rushes forwards, leaping over the nearest wall in a desperate attempt to rugby tackle the escaping grey matter! He leaps straight over the parapet of the bridge, into the rushing swirling torrent of the icy Volga beneath!
Stretching out dozens of centipede legs, Steve Irwin’s brain starts swimming away towards the eastern river bank.
Set up the solar laser, lay down suppressive fire and use elemental mechanics (100xfire)xAir+ Robostalin).
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Ignoring the fleeing Aussie, Archimedes gets out and sets up his laser mirrors before turning towards the towering ROBOSTALIN and striking an angry pose.
...He forgets the words!
A slight gust of wind ambles quietly past, and Archimedes feels slightly colder than he did a second ago.
Tesla+Bear: CHARGE ROBOSTALIN while firing mighty bolts of SCIENCE LIGHTNING.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
Nikola Tesla bursts forwards from the huddle of incompetence to charge bravely forth on his special bear. The bear gallops across the bridge, nimbly dodging the scattered chunks of rubble as it heads valiantly towards the mighty metallic foe of freedom.
Before ROBOSTALIN can form a square, Tesla stands up in his stirrups, and blasts the fiendish dictator with mighty bolts of SCIENCE LIGHTNING! ...Several vast forks of electric fire shoot up towards ROBOSTALIN’S face, appearing to fracture the cheekbone and set it alight!
Wound Acquired: ROBOSTALIN: Burning Cheek!
Just as the lightning ceases, Tesla and the bear reach the feet of the metal monster, and the faithful bear rears up and smacks its legs with his great paws, ...but the force of his blows rebounding off ROBOSTALIN’S communist ROBOARMOUR knocks Tesla off the bear’s back and sends him sprawling to the floor!
Tesla scrambles to his feet, only to glance down at his hands. ...There’s a small piece of used gum stuck to his right hand!
He starts hyper-ventilating.
ROBOSTALIN: Cry about how much your parents hated you and your father never let your try to be a professional ballerina. Remember to try some ballet moves and smash the nearest non-communist.
With your ROBOFISTS!
+1, Beep Beep Boop
(http://tnypic.net/61727.png)
“Damn you, father! Why did you hate me so? Mother never let me wear her dresses and you never let me become a ballerina! My friends all mocked me but you never relented! Oh, how I yearn to perform a dainty spin!”
ROBOSTALIN stops crying long enough to attempt a dainty spin, ...but it goes horribly wrong, and he trips up and falls to the floor! The bridge trembles under his considerable weight, and he lands with his head face to face with his arch-nemesis Rasputin!
Well well well.
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
Rasputin seizes his chance with the fallen ROBOSTALIN before him. He swings a mighty uppercut towards the robotic Soviet, ...but ROBOSTALIN rolls out the way and avoids the blow!
His FISTS OF STEEL being too far away, ROBOSTALIN decides to headbutt the impudent mystic in the eyes, and raises his HEAD OF STEEL to do so.
But suddenly!
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
...Nigh on twenty thousand frogs fall from the cloudless sky in an anti-communist miracle! They flood the surface of the bridge, they land on Rasputin’s face, they drop on the fallen ROBOSTALIN and nibble upon his toes! They seem to be searching for a way into the armoured suit!
Rolling back and forth in tickled agony, ROBOSTALIN absent-mindedly crushes the parapet of the bridge along with a thousand frogs and a dozen communists, rolling over and over and crashing into the river below! As his burning cheek is extinguished, he immediately jumps to his feet and roars out a terrifying challenge to the bowienauts above!
Rasputin is infuriated, ...and swats a dozen frogs off his chin whilst stomping their hapless friends that swarm about his feet! His boots become sticky with frogbits and frogblood, and the angry frogs begin to turn on him! ...Two frogs jump up and start pecking him on the nose with their sharp pointy teeth!
Suddenly Rasputin’s magnificent beard of power leaps up! It smashes one frog to the floor before grabbing the second and viciously strangling the amphibian assailant! Rasputin’s beard flings the lifeless frog corpse into the river below.
Several of the unarmed communists on the bridge that survived ROBOSTALIN’S fall unsquashed begin to advance on Tesla and Rasputin; another dozen howl out their communist warcry and charge down the battered bridge towards McCartney, Crockett and Archimedes. As they charge, thousands of McCartney’s froggy friends dive off the bridge after ROBOSTALIN like a green waterfall. ROBOSTALIN starts thrashing about in righteous anger as he tries to fend them off!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: ROBOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
STILL TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR ROBOSTALIN’S ACTIONS.
ALSO TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR STEVE IRWIN’S BRAIN’S ACTIONS.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 09, 2012, 07:13:53 am
Saying that, he aims his solar laser and begins to cut the bridge between him and the communists, aiming to burn some of them and then jump onto it when it breaks loose.
Cut the bridge loose, turn it into a boat.
((Also, where the hell are the Allied forces when you need them.))
Post by: Caellath on May 09, 2012, 07:14:13 am
ROBOSTALIN: Enough is enough. Strike goofy giant robot poses like that of japanese live-action movies, craft a nunchuck of the frogs and exhibit your martial prowess by spinning it around and being generally awesome. Proceed to go Bruce Lee on the enemies.
Steve Irwin's brain: Get out a surf board from
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 09, 2012, 07:15:46 am
ROBOSTALIN: Enough is enough. Strike goofy giant robot poses like that of japanese live-action movies, craft a nunchuck of the frogs and exhibit your martial prowess by spinning it around and being generally awesome.
Steve Irwin's brain: Get out a surf board from nowhere and ride the green wave dude! Start to talk in stereotypical surfers' lingo, because that's totally rad!
Both:Then ponder the reason of your existence and suffer from existitial uncertainity.
Btw: Tesla took his own bear to act as a back up static electricity generator.
Post by: Tiruin on May 09, 2012, 08:11:51 am
Also, the map perfectly depicts what is going on.
Perfectly.
Post by: Talarion on May 09, 2012, 08:16:10 am
Post by: Toaster on May 09, 2012, 08:21:04 am
"What's that? Cut the bridge? It's a symbol of the oppression of the masses? Okay!"
Fire a HE shell at the other side of the bridge to cut it loose!
Post by: freeformschooler on May 09, 2012, 10:50:02 am
Paul McCartney, watching RoboSTALIN fall off the bridge and into the water, saw a great opportunity. Though he didn't have time to compose a tune, he made a mad dash past the communists and Davy Crockett as he sang a catchy tune he could have sworn he heard playing in the Timelord's space infirmary!
"My heart is like an open highway,
Like Bowie says, you fight your own way
I just wanna live to see the light
'Cause it's my life"
(http://i.imgur.com/DY8V5.png)
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live to see the light"
He leapt off the bridge in RoboSTALIN's direction, guitar held high!
"This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Davy and Irwin, who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake
But I think life's still living, gotta make your own breaks"
(http://i.imgur.com/BycaW.png)
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live to see the light"
(http://i.imgur.com/f7itE.png)
"I will avenge you, John Lennon!"
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 09, 2012, 10:57:21 am
That is just genuinly awesome. Applaud. Standing Ovation
((Btw, Iawa, do you give awesomness bonusses?))
Post by: freeformschooler on May 09, 2012, 11:00:19 am
Post by: Spinal_Taper on May 09, 2012, 11:09:08 am
((Because Tesla wants to turn the communists symbol against them, and reduce their morale))
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 09, 2012, 11:11:46 am
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 09, 2012, 02:18:01 pm
Viciously scrub my hands, face, and the bear's face.
I was planning on using my electric hands on ROBOSTALIN, but my 4th wall senses tell me that jumping into the river after him is a bad idea.
(Also, slight error possibly, I don't think I'm currently bear-mounted.)
Post by: Talarion on May 11, 2012, 12:55:02 am
"CRIKEY MAAAATTE! MY BRAAAAAIIINNNN!!!" As Stevo dived after it!
Because apparently this isn't clear enough for La...
Steve Irwin dives after his brain trying to catch it!
Post by: lawastooshort on May 11, 2012, 04:38:01 pm
TURN FIFTEEN
Cut the bridge loose, turn it into a boat.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes is thinking. ROBOSTALIN is getting away, and the bowienauts’ position is coming under increasingly heavy fire from the communist forces. But no! An idea! Even better: a eureka!
“The carrying capacity,” he realises to himself, “Of an object submerged in water is equal to the difference in density of both the water and... oh gods, yes! Yes! Oh yes!” he cries to his nearby companions. “Guys! I have an idea! Crockett, take the east side, and try to cut the bridge loose! Blow the bridge dudes, it’s our only chance to catch ROBOSTALIN!”
Archimedes aims his mirror array and begins cutting the bridge between him and the Nazis with its awesome power. Flames soon begin to appear around the target of the concentrated moonlight.
He glances round to check Crockett is following his lead.
The American seems preoccupied. Archimedes shouts out again.
Crockett tried to recall the words of The Internationale, which was fairly difficult since he had never actually heard of it. He heard Archimedes shouting something beside him.
Fire a HE shell at the other side of the bridge to cut it loose!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
“Stand up, damned of the Earth!”
Davy Crockett is confused. It feels like… it feels like someone is humming something directly into his mind, but he can’t quite make out the tune. It feels like… it feels like someone is etching words directly onto the surface of his brain!
“Stand up, oh prisoners of hunger!”
He vaguely hears his comrade shouting.
“Reason thunders from its crater!”
“Reason… reason… reas-argh! It’s Archimedes! Of course! Must… resist… must… What's that, Archimedes? Cut the bridge? It's a symbol of the oppression of the masses? Okay!"
“This is the eruption of the end!”
“I must destroy the bridge for the workers of the world! It IS a symbol of the oppression of the masses!”
Swivelling on his human foot to face the opposite direction to Archimedes, busily firing his moonlaser, Davy loads a high explosive round into his arm mounted tank turret.
“Let’s make a clean slate of the past!”
Loading finished, he aims at the communist end of the bridge.
“Enslaved masses of the world unite!”
Davy Crockett fires his arm mounted tank turret at the bridge of oppression! ...A huge chunk is torn from the surface, and a great groaning of concrete and steel begins. The bowienauts on the bridge struggle to keep their balance as the roadway starts lurching into the murky waters below!
“This bridge is about to change its founda-a-a-ation!!”
Suddenly the golden voice of an anti-capitalist freedom fighting angel with an acoustic guitar splits the communist heavens apart, and a burst of golden and silver light floods the sky!
"My heart is like an open highway,
Like Bowie says, you fight your own way
I just wanna live to see the light
'Cause it's my life"
Crockett wonders, all of a sudden, if maybe his fellow workers had it coming to them. Perhaps a struggle for freedom will only inevitably result in further oppression? Perhaps the modern world has no place for such airy romanticism? Perhaps the modern world has no place for such violent subjugation? Perhaps… perhaps OH GOD YES! The Beatles have saved Davy Crockett from communism!
Paul McCartney, watching RoboSTALIN fall off the bridge and into the water, saw a great opportunity. Though he didn't have time to compose a tune, he made a mad dash past the communists and Davy Crockett as he sang a catchy tune he could have sworn he heard playing in the Timelord's space infirmary!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
...For yea!
Yon minstrel of freedom, Paul McCartney, hast been struck by the angelic muse of anti-communist inspiration! Feeling the ground wobble and sway beneath him, he realises what he must do. He dashes past Crockett and the approaching communists!
(http://i.imgur.com/DY8V5.png)
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live to see the light"
Whirling his guitar above his head, McCartney leaps off the bridge, aiming at the vast metallic chest of the robotic dictator struggling in the dark red tainted waters below. ROBOSTALIN sees him coming and raises both of his cold steel fists to swat the falling Beatle out of the sky, but his fearsome bellow of challenge is drowned out by McCartney’s semi-holy chant!
“COME ON TH-!”
(http://i.imgur.com/BycaW.png)
"This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Davy and Irwin, who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake
But I think life's still living, gotta make your own breaks"
The Last Beatle swerves acrobatically through the air. Paul McCartney lands on ROBOSTALIN! He sprints along the chipped paintwork of the CHEST OF STEEL, swinging his acoustic like a dervish before leaping into the air and somersaulting up to the evil fiend’s face.
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live to see the light"
(http://i.imgur.com/f7itE.png)
Still hurling out his words of freedom, ...Paul McCartney brings his second hand up and smashes a fierce two handed blow down on the defenceless ROBOSTALIN’S head, breaking the skull and bruising the brain!
Wound Acquired: ROBOSTALIN: Broken Skull!
Enraged at the pain, ROBOSTALIN grumbles and cranks his gears and rises suddenly to his feet, sending McCartney flying off his face towards the water. Paul McCartney backflips through the air, calling out to his frog allies as he does so.
“Come to me, my frogs! We’ll all stand together!”
McCartney slowmotions through the air towards the surface of the icy Volga, slow enough for his frog friends to unite below him. The frogs form a compact mass of green, stabilising together and creating an independently moving floating platform in the river! McCartney executes a perfect landing, and brings his guitar across his body in an imposing defensive stance.
ROBOSTALIN rises to his feet before him, stretching his metal body to its full forty feet.
Suddenly he crouches with surprising dexterity.
Quote from: ROBOSTALIN’S subconscious
ROBOSTALIN: Enough is enough. Strike goofy giant robot poses like that of Japanese live-action movies, craft a frogchuk and exhibit your martial prowess by spinning it around and being generally awesome. Proceed to go Bruce Lee on the enemies.
(http://tnypic.net/61727.png)
...ROBOSTALIN snatches the frogs from underneath McCartney before he can defend himself or his amphibian allies!
Paul McCartney somersaults back into the air, twisting and turning through the night sky as slowly as he can to give him time to think, but even though he twists and turns, he can’t avoid seeing the horror unfold before him! ROBOSTALIN stretches and squeezes, and crushes his beloved frogs into… INTO A FROGCHUK!
ROBOSTALIN strikes a menacing pose whilst activating his spiky hair implant, and swings the frogchuk around his terrifying ELBOWS OF STEEL!
Fifty feet in the air above, McCartney falls through the air seemingly as slow as a feather. There is nowhere below to land. He cries out in desperation as he crashes into the surface of the water.
"I will avenge you, John Lennon!"
BEATLE SPIRIT: ACTIVATE!
Suddenly, the spirit of John Lennon appears above the Volga, walking on the water’s surface and dual wielding his trademark pair of claymores!
(http://tnypic.net/199b5.png)
“All right our Paul, haven’t seen you around for a while eh mate! I though I told you to stay away from terrifying totalitarian ROBOTROOPERS? Me and the lads sacrificed ourselves so you could escape and further the message of love, man!”
But Paul can’t hear. The icy water rushes about his body and fills his ears. He struggles to stay afloat. He gasps and splutters, and his head sinks below.
“Oh shit,” mutters Lennon. “Here I am, back in the USSR and I’m gonna have to get me arm wet like. I can't bloody stand river water, it's a well known piece of Beatles trivia.”
Stevo dived after it!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Suddenly a piercing cry rings out across the already cacophonic city of Speedograd.
"CRIKEY MAAAATTE! MY BRAAAAAIIINNNN!!!"
... Steve Irwin’s brain turns to see the source of the pained cry. He sees Stevo ...floundering through the water towards him and gets out his surf board! He starts paddling furiously away from the crocodile hunter until he gets going enough to totally ride the green wave, dude! He’s riding on frogs! Whoa, like, ROBOSTALIN is totally lifting the green wave into the air, man, he’s… whoa! Oh shit! Frogchuks ahoy! Taking evasive action, man! Yeah man that’s totally rad, bro, whoa, arg, shit, ouch, whoa, yeah! That’s some serious air! Whooooooo!
Suddenly ROBOSTALIN swings his frogchuk and hits Steve Irwin’s brain dead centre! The brain flies through the night sky, totally getting some serious air, dudes!
Quote from: Steve Irwin’s brain’s subconscious
Get out a surf board fromnowherehammerspace and ride the green wave dude! Start to speak in stereotypical surfers' lingo, because that's totally rad!
Almost as suddenly, the Aussie National Hero’s brain smacks against the burning bridge and bumps along to a halt.
It doesn’t move.
Viciously scrub my hands, face, and the bear's face.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
As a brain flies through the air towards him Nikola Tesla starts screaming! Oh God, gum! Hands! Filth! Saliva! That used to be in someone's mouth! OH MY GOD SOMEONE’S MOUTH? It could be anyone’s mouth!
...He pulls out a swathe of SCIENCE WIPES from one of his many scientific pockets and crouches down, cleaning all before him!
He cleans his hands! He cleans his face! He cleans the bear’s hands! He cleans the bear’s face! He cleans his own hands and face again just to make sure!
He eyes the strange and grubby Russian a few feet away.
Attempt to use my philosopher's stone to crush the ROBOSON of a bitch where he is by increasing the water pressure to deadly levels
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
“Oh shit!” mutters Rasputin as he ...appears to frantically rub his chest. “My bloody philosopher’s stone’s cooldown period isn’t over yet. Blast! I shall crush that ROBOSON of a bitch with the power of my MIND! Ah! Arg! What the hell are you doing, electroboy?!”
Suddenly Nikola Tesla jumps on the Russian, knocking him to the floor and rubbing the corners of his mouth with his SCIENCE WIPES.
“Dirt is sign of communist!” screams the scientist. “Of evil! Of badness! Of… OH GOD YOU’VE GOT TOAST CRUMBS IN YOUR BEARD!”
Tesla leaps off the Black Monk. He starts wiping down his own eyes!
...The bewildered Rasputin kicks him in the groin, and runs off to punch communists in the face! He leaps over a widening crack in the bridge and smashes the nearest onrushing commie! ...He punches his guts out! Rasputin dodges nimbly round the blow of the next soldier, ...sticking out a crafty leg to trip him as he runs and then ...jumping on his skull and crushing his eyes out! Another charges towards Rasputin’s back, but with some kind of sixth sense the Angry Monk ...raises his right elbow, and juts it through the communist’s nose, fracturing the brain and bruising the spine!
Rasputin turns towards the east. The bridge is empty but for two remaining communist soldiers.
...Suddenly they rip off their clothes to reveal the unmistakeable uniform of the Avenging Russian Noble beneath! They draw their rapiers and charge towards Rasputin!
And just then!
Just then there is a burst of light and heat behind Rasputin and the two nobles stand amazed before him.
He looks over his shoulder to see half the bridge crash to the river below!
...It floats!
The shockwave of the impact sends the troubled water trembling outwards away from the epicentre and the churning waves shoot the spluttering head of Paul McCartney above the river’s surface! He tries to tread water with one hand on his ever-present guitar, and looks up to see the angry ROBOSTALIN stomp through the water towards him, towering above him even whilst half-submerged.
ROBOSTALIN whirls his deadly frogchuk towards McCartney! ...He smashes him into the water!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Bruised Shin!
Paul struggles back to the surface with both arms wrapped desperately around his guitar, and looks up only to see ...ROBOSTALIN’S deadly FISTS OF STEEL pound down towards him once more!
Wound Acquired! Paul McCartney: Bleeding Chest!
Falling nearly unconscious, almost unable to hold his instrument, Paul McCartney barely comprehends as he hears a familiar Scouse voice above him.
(http://tnypic.net/199b5.png)
“Leave our Paul alone, you big Stalinist ROBOBASTARD!” yells John Lennon. “I died to save him once, I’m not afraid to die again, you cheap ROBOSHIT! Have this, ROBOFIEND!”
Shouting his avenging warcry, Lennon hurls his left hand claymore directly at ROBOSTALIN’S eye! ...It pierces through, sending the ROBODICTATOR reeling backwards in pain.
Wound Acquired! ROBOSTALIN: Pierced Eye!
With his other hand Lennon reaches down and grabs hold of his bandmate’s collar, hauling him out of the water and holding him safely in the air as he levitates above it.
He turns to speak.
“Paul… I told you before, man. I don’t know how many times I can come back to save you. I know you’re only doing the right thing, but you got to be careful man. ROBOEVIL is a dangerous thing to fight, and your fate is to spread love and harmony through peaceful means, not through violence. When you’ve helped the Timelord achieve his destiny, promise me you’ll settle down and spread your message of love, harmony, and meat substitutes.”
“Meat substitutes?”
“Yeah. Don’t ask, man, you don’t know about this yet, but thanks to Bowie I have seen the future, man. It’s pretty sweet, but that’s another story. Will you promise me you’ll settle down? I need you alive to finish recording all our songs, brother.”
“John, I promise, man. I promise. I’ll… oh shit, John, no way. I can’t take your last claymore! How will you fight your way back to the spirit world, man?”
“Don’t worry about me Paul, just take this. It’s not a claymore, anyway. It’s a clayboard. You can use it to surf to safety across the Volga.”
Item Acquired! Paul McCartney: Clayboard
Suddenly John drops his clayboard onto the surface of the river, and gently lowers Paul onto it.
“I’ll see you around, our Paul.”
John Lennon raises both arms straight into the air. He begins to levitate higher, and then a ball of golden light begins to form around him, appearing to drag in energy from the surrounding air and water until suddenly Lennon disappears into the golden ball.
The Lennon-ball bursts towards ROBOSTALIN, rocketing at the red dictator as he stomps towards the now hovering McCartney.
John Lennon hits ROBOSTALIN!
John Lennon explodes!
McCartney and the bowienauts floating on the nearby piece of bridge shield their eyes at the enormous burst of energy, Archimedes diving to the floor to dodge a huge incoming piece of shrapnel. It’s ROBOSTALIN’S arm! A terrible moan of pain erupts from ROBOSTALIN as flames and smoke spurt from multiple fractures in his ROBOSUIT. The sound of shattering steel screams through the night!
But then!
Suddenly Stalin’s mecha-suit splits from head to groin, each half falling apart into the water on either side, causing vast clouds of steam to rise as the burning metal submerges!
As the last piece of mecha-suit sinks below the icy Volga, a hideous form emerges. There’s a blur of motion as something backflips through the air towards the bowienauts on their floating piece of bridge.
The steam clears. The bowienauts can see. ...Tesla screams in horror and faints to the floor!
INTRODUCING: THE FIENDISH DESTROYER OF INNOCENCE: SPEEDOSTALIN!
(http://tnypic.net/96ca7.png)
(http://tnypic.net/c30b2.png)
(http://tnypic.net/88010.png)
(http://tnypic.net/64c9a.png)
(http://tnypic.net/c30b2.png)
(http://tnypic.net/88010.png)
(http://tnypic.net/64c9a.png)
Spoiler: SPEEDOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: SPEEDOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
NOW TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR SPEEDOSTALIN’S ACTIONS.
Also still taking suggestions for Steve Irwin’s brain’s actions, although the poor critter might be dead. Who knows?
Post by: Spinal_Taper on May 11, 2012, 04:51:48 pm
Post by: Chink on May 11, 2012, 05:37:55 pm
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 11, 2012, 06:16:11 pm
Bear: Do what comes naturally.
Post by: Toaster on May 11, 2012, 08:37:55 pm
"Ugh, why did I care about workers so much all of the sudden? Who are Marx and Lenin? Who is thaOH GOD SPEEEEEDO"
Shoot the SPEEDO!
Post by: freeformschooler on May 11, 2012, 09:04:28 pm
"Oh, boy... He was right! I'm not here to bash heads, that's the others' job. I'm here to spread peace, love and capitalism!"
Paul McCartney strums a GENTLE CHORD at SpeedoSTALIN!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 12, 2012, 01:31:57 am
Post by: Talarion on May 13, 2012, 09:33:19 am
In other words, get to brain, use brain as weapon, realise how brainless that was and get brain back again! By... tackling some guy in a speedo? Stevo isn't very smart without his brain.
Post by: monk12 on May 13, 2012, 07:01:52 pm
SpeedoStalin laughed. His laugh was deep and unnerving, the laugh of the old men in gym locker rooms. "Did you think you would beat me easily bowienauts?" he spoke through his guttural accent. "I will show you what happens to those who dissident to the will of Marx." Moving at a speed only applicable to a dictator in a speedo, he rushed Steve Irwin, and struck him with a mighty pelvic thrust!
+1
Post by: lawastooshort on May 14, 2012, 10:16:38 am
TURN SIXTEEN
Multiply that. Take cover between Robostalins arm and lay down oppressive fire.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Shit lads, it’s SPEEDOSTALIN! The horror!” screams Archimedes, ducking behind the mecha’s fallen arm and ...taking cover just before the speedogroin manages to fully seep in through his eye sockets.
“We need to hit the groin with everything we’ve got, men! Try shooting it at approximately 41 degrees to hit the vulnerable spot!” he continues, ...hoping his mathematical shouts help out his comrades. “Come on!” he finishes, unslinging his M60, “Let’s take this groiny bastard!”
...Archimedes ignores the peril of the speedogroin and leaps to his feet, vaulting onto the mecha arm with his gun in one hand, standing atop the ruined robolimb as he aims at the Soviet speedo-felon and pulls the trigger.
“Take my suppressive fire, you fiendish perversion!”
Bullet after bullet sprays out of the red hot end of the oversized gun towards SPEEDOSTALIN, ...but he just thrusts out his groin, bouncing the bullets back off and at the bowienauts!
One of the heavy rounds ricochets horribly towards the prone Tesla, spinning through the air, piercing the skin and fracturing the ribs before passing right through the body!
Wound Acquired: Nikola Tesla: Fractured Ribs!
Tesla stirs from his slumber just in time to see Archimedes duck and dodge away from a storm of incoming reflected bullets before he suddenly throws his gun to the floor and stops and stares! He’s been transfixed by the speedogroin!
“Aha!” shouts SPEEDOSTALIN, “Your capitalist pig-dog bullets cannot hurt me! I am SPEEDOSTALIN! I am speedo-incarnate! Take this!”
SPEEDOSTALIN unholsters his speedogun in a flash, quick draw firing at Archimedes.
...Archimedes falls to the floor, his legs wrapped together in a pair of sticky sweaty used red speedos!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: SPEEDOED LEGS!
Shoot the SPEEDO!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Crockett shakes his head. The red in his vision fades... besides, of course, the blood spurting in a comical torrent from his remaining arm.
"Ugh, why did I care about workers so much all of the sudden? Who are Marx and Lenin? Who is thaOH GOD SPEEEEEDO"
(http://tnypic.net/64c9a.png)
Davy draws on his frontierman’s instincts and brings up his rifle before the thought of speedo even finishes registering in his battered mind.
...Aiming dead centre at SPEEDOSTALIN’S speedo-clad groin, Davy pulls the… Davy pulls… Davy… realises his entire vision is invaded by invincible communist speedogroin! He throws his rifle to the floor in the traditional gesture of the abandonment of all hope, and flees directly off the floating bridge into the river Volga whilst desperately trying to rub the sight out of his eyes!
Item Lost: Davy Crockett: Rifle!
Paul McCartney briefly considers striking SpeedoSTALIN with his Clayboard, but remembers Lennon's words. He strums a GENTLE CHORD at SpeedoSTALIN!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Seeing his friends cut down around him jabs the normally placid McCartney into a fit of rage! He’s about to strike with his deadly Clayboard before suddenly recalling the final words of his bandmate.
"Oh, boy... John was right! I'm not here to bash heads, that's the others' job. I'm here to spread peace, love and capitalism!"
Paul reaches for a musical cocacola love grenade, but remembers he doesn’t have one! He pulls out his guitar and strums the most peaceful chord he possibly can at the imposingly moustachioed figure before him. ...One of the strings sounds slightly out of tune, but SPEEDOSTALIN’S moustache visibly wilts with emotion!
Steve Irwin's brain attempts to implant itself in the head of the most powerful person it can find, so it can take over the WORLD!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Steve Irwin’s severed brain is suddenly struck by vision of grandeur! Delusions of power! Lust for domination! It waddles over to the edge of the bridge and casts its fevered glance down into the river below. It is energised by the raw speedo-clad power it spies.
Steve Irwin’s brain rushes forth, jumping down off the bridge, hurtling gracelessly through the air. ...It hits its target, and begins the implantation process!
“Arrrrrrrghghgh!” screams Archimedes, “Oh gods! Stevo! Get your brain off my leg! Stop the… OH GODS NO, IT’S WARM! IT’S DAMP!” he sobs as the multi-legged brain molests him faster and faster. “Stevo!!”
Emotional Wound Acquired: Archimedes: Molested Leg!
In other words, get to brain, use brain as weapon, realise how brainless that was and get brain back again! By... tackling some guy in a speedo? Stevo isn't very smart without his brain.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Archimedes of Syracuse struggles to rise to his feet and escape, when suddenly a muscular bundle of Aussie National Hero smashes him to the ground!
The brain flies off the stricken Archimedes and rolls off onto a corner of the bridge. It flashes a lecherous grin at the Greek before hiding its guilt behind its soft puppy eyes.
“Don’t try that one on me, you cunning fella!” warns Stevo, tapping his skull with his stiff manly finger. “You might have more brains than me, mate, but I’m Steve Irwin! I don’t give in that easily, by God!”
His brain licks its lips, briefly revealing a row of sharp jagged teeth.
“You wanna piece of me, you bleedin’ galah? I bet a drowning croc’s got more brains that you, mate!” challenges the foul-mouthed ball of grey matter. “Oh, wait, a drowning FLY’S got more brains than you, eh! You couldn’t even complete community college, mate! Eh? You couldn’t then and you certainly couldn’t now, you backwards country type! That’s why yer-bmfpppgfffpggp!!”
...Suddenly Steve Irwin leaps across, jumping onto his errant brain and rugby-tackling it down. He gets it in a firm headlock and wrestles it on the ground until it submits! He tosses it in the air a few times like he saw that pitcher do one time and then realises he’s Australian, mate! Stevo takes a short run up and cricket bowls his brain right at SPEEDOSTALIN’S face! ...It hits him in the nose and bounces off, getting entangled in the dictator’s mass of chest hair!
"TAKE THAT YA COMMIE BASTARD! ... Wait, did I just... CRIKEY!"
Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Broken Nose!
Oblivious to the grievous wound he’s just inflicted, Steve Irwin dashes forwards to save his brain from Stalin’s hairy chest but ...he trips at the last moment and crashes head first into the forest of sweaty chest hair!
Suddenly a deep, unnerving laugh cuts through the rasp of Stevo’s dry retching.
Quote from: The Will of Speedostalin
Moving at a speed only applicable to a dictator in a speedo, he rushed Steve Irwin, and struck him with a mighty pelvic thrust!
(http://tnypic.net/96ca7.png)
SPEEDOSTALIN laughs. His laugh is deep, unnerving, the laugh of old men in gym locker rooms rubbing their thighs through unwashed cheap nylon shorts with tobacco stained fingers; the laugh of a convicted leerer, of sweat-bathed raincoats and Brylcreemed hair, slick and gleaming yellow on a desolate and feared park bench.
"Did you think you beat me so easily, bowienauts?" he asks in his guttural yet somehow seductive accent. "I will show you what happens to those who dissident to the will of Marx!"
...SPEEDOSTALIN tears Irwin from his awful hairy prison, flinging him one-handed to the floor a dozen feet away. His eyes stinging with chest sweat, Stevo can barely see as he backs away in a terrified crawl when suddenly he feels a horrible slippery sensation at the back of his cranium and a slimy sounding “pop!” In its mortal terror, Steve Irwin’s brain has regained its rightful place! Stevo regains his full mental faculties just in time to-
(http://tnypic.net/c30b2.png)
(http://tnypic.net/88010.png)
(http://tnypic.net/64c9a.png)
(http://tnypic.net/88010.png)
(http://tnypic.net/64c9a.png)
Suddenly Steve Irwin sees Stalin rush towards him, pushing forth his speedogroin at the fallen Australian before striking him full in the face with a mighty pelvic thrust! ...SPEEDOSTALIN’S speedogroin is burnt upon his memory, soiling his mind and tearing his eyes: it’s the last thing he ever sees!
He crawls to his knees, holding his face in his hands.
Blood pours forth from his traumatised eyes!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severely Bleeding Eyes!
Brain Acquired: Steve Irwin: Brain!
Tesla: Wake up so you can wipe that speedo off the face of the earth!
Bear: Do what comes naturally.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
Woken by the pain of his broken ribs, Nikola Tesla slowly comes round only to be greeted by a grisly tableau of terror. Davy Crockett is nowhere to be seen as Archimedes weeps uncontrollably on a corner of the bridge, guarded by the acoustic wielding McCartney hovering nearby. SPEEDOSTALIN stands over the previously indefatigable Steve Irwin, kneeling in a heap with blood pouring between the fingers hiding his once-joyous face.
“Hahaha!” gloats SPEEDOSTALIN, before adding, in his lecher’s voice, “Ehehehe!” The arch-communist rubs his exposed thighs before turning his gaze to the shaken scientist, who represses a tiny baby-sick at the back of his throat.
But!
Never one to shy away from danger, Nikola Tesla whips out his SCIENCE WIPE, determined to wipe this filth from the face of the earth! He gets to his feet and runs at SPEEDOSTALIN, SCIENCE WIPE held forth as he jumps at Stalin’s speedogroin to cleanse the monstrosity! ...But SPEEDOSTALIN is the quickest draw in the East, and brings his speedogun up, pulling the trigger and shooting a Speedo out at the flying inventor, covering the clenched wipe and instead turning Tesla’s weapon into a SPEEDOWIPE!
Before he can stop himself Tesla starts furiously scrubbing Stalin’s groin with the dirty Speedo, not even noticing the fiendish red communist power growing within the monster as he does so. He’s transferring the speedo-energy directly back into SPEEDOSTALIN!
Power-up Acquired! SPEEDOSTALIN: Speedo-energy!
Luckily the electric polar bear is totally on point like the man from Wu-Tang and, doing what comes naturally, sees the expanding communist grow before his eyes and realises something is wrong! Horribly wrong! Repulsively wrong! ...Tesla’s bear bursts into a gallop and bull rushes the maddened scientist to the floor, breaking the contact between SPEEDOWIPE and speedogroin!
SPEEDOSTALIN immediately stops getting taller, but his speedogroin pulses with fearsome communist energy!
Aha!
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
From atop the bridge, Rasputin watches the scene of horror unfold below.
He totally ignores the two Russian nobles come to assassinate him! ...The first avenging noble rapiers Rasputin in the back, tearing his guts and bruising the skin! ...As Rasputin turns to meet the pair, the second coward’s rapier deflects off Rasputin’s kind of stony armour, bouncing upwards and lightly cutting into the Black Monk’s forehead!
Wound Acquired! Rasputin: Heavily Bleeding Guts!
Wound Acquired! Rasputin: Lightly Bleeding Head!
Taking no notice of the slight discomfort the dastardly assassins have just inflicted on him, Rasputin pushes the pair dismissively to the floor before standing on the very edge of the bridge.
"Alright,” he decides, “Time to die, you SPEEDO WEARING COMMUNIST BASTARD!"
...Rasputin leaps off the bridge like a flying superhero, somehow transforming his fist into a deadly explosive with the sheer power of his iron will as he flies! Blood shoots out of his guts and dribbles out of his forehead as he traces a perfect curve over the Volga, diving on downwards to the dictator on the floating bridge segment below.
SPEEDOSTALIN just has time to look up to see the FIST OF RASPUTIN crash into his face and detonate! The explosion shatters both his arms and blasts off his moustache, visibly weakening the Soviet leader!
Rasputin drops to the floor in front of SPEEDOSTALIN, blood shooting out of his right arm like a decorative garden fountain.
Wound Acquired: Rasputin: Severed Right Arm!
Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Fractured Arms!
Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Severed Moustache!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: SPEEDOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on May 14, 2012, 10:32:03 am
Before he can stop himself Tesla starts furiously scrubbing Stalin’s groin with the dirty Speedo, not even noticing the fiendish red communist power growing within the monster as he does so.
Wound Acquired: Toaster: Broken Brain!
"HEAL ME FROM THIS HORROR!"
Heal myself! Stop the bleeding!
Post by: Spinal_Taper on May 14, 2012, 10:38:00 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 14, 2012, 10:56:33 am
He prayed to his ancestors, the ancient philosphers, for aid. They answered him: The world is made up from undefined matter, all tiny and equal particles, aranged into order by a godly spirit whereup they become defined.
And then, he stood up and with renewed vigour he said:
Stalin, Do you urge for all people in this world to be equal and to be regarded as equals?
((Expected answer Stalin: Yes))
Is it not true that you look upon your people like father to his children , and that they look upon to you as to a Godly and motivating spirit.
((Expected answer Stalin: Yes))
Stalin, if the ancient Greek philosophers said that in the beginning all was equal, and that then a Godly spirit made them into the disorder they are today, then what does that mean? Doesn't it mean that your quest is futile, as your every action further increases disequalness( Disequality??) on the most basic level. Give up Stalin, you are uniting your people into chaos, not into order and equality.
.
Fix leg(Let crocket use the medkit too ), have mental breakdown, Go Socratian on Stalin. If that doesn't work, then throw the robofist at him.
Post by: Chink on May 14, 2012, 11:13:53 am
Post by: Toaster on May 14, 2012, 01:28:45 pm
Post by: empfan on May 14, 2012, 02:25:26 pm
Ask the brave heroes for a hand before I can bleed any more!, if they don't, preform a clothesline on Speedostalin
Edit: If I can change my turn...
Use the massive amount of blood around the area to create a WMD, if the Heroes to not help me stop my own bleeding...
Post by: Chink on May 14, 2012, 04:32:07 pm
EDIT: Character sheet ready, please balance it if you consider it unbalanced.
Spoiler: WARNING, badly written bios ahead! (click to show/hide)
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 14, 2012, 05:44:38 pm
Post by: Talarion on May 15, 2012, 01:02:26 am
Post by: Zako on May 15, 2012, 02:12:18 am
Time to MAN UP! Stevo thinks as he crouches low. He is the manliest of all men, especially AUSSIE men! Time to out-man this... Speedostalin! MANLY WRESTLING! With sight gone from his eyes, Stevo leaps in the general direction of the smell of communism, and began wrestling whatever he found first!!
Genius! You cannot be affected from visual horrors that you cannot see! Pure genius!
Post by: Talarion on May 15, 2012, 03:16:26 am
Time to MAN UP! Stevo thinks as he crouches low. He is the manliest of all men, especially AUSSIE men! Time to out-man this... Speedostalin! MANLY WRESTLING! With sight gone from his eyes, Stevo leaps in the general direction of the smell of communism, and began wrestling whatever he found first!!
Genius! You cannot be affected from visual horrors that you cannot see! Pure genius!
Exactly!
Post by: Caellath on May 15, 2012, 10:21:32 am
Quote
began wrestling whatever he found first!!((Speedocrotch.))
Post by: freeformschooler on May 15, 2012, 10:58:24 am
"Boys, what's going on? Speedostalin's a lecherous dictator, sure, but not terrible enough to cause me to act out like-"
(http://tnypic.net/64c9a.png)
"Bloody hell, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time! Now that I think about it... I may have discovered his weakness!"
Paul McCartney LOCKS ON to SPEEDOSTALIN'S GROIN and reveals his HORRIBLE SPEEDOGUTS in an attempt to drain the horror from the dictator's all powerful SPEEDO-CLAD GROIN.
((Lawas: I'm going to be heading on a graduation trip to NYC soon so could you auto me for the turn after the next? Thanks))
Post by: lawastooshort on May 16, 2012, 02:26:04 pm
TURN SEVENTEEN
Heal myself! Stop the bleeding!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"HEAL ME FROM THIS HORROR!" cries the desperate Davy Crockett as he swims to the bridge. ”Archi! I’m bleeding terribly! Chuck me a plaster will you?”
As he clambers over the edge of the floating section of concrete, Archimedes stares blankly at him for several seconds before reaching down into his robes. He pulls out a thick roll of bandage and throws it across to the dripping Davy.
...But Davy Crockett’s mind has been blasted by the speedogroin of Stalin! He forgets why he called for the bandage and immediately fashions a crude white Speedo, wrapping it round his groin before rising to his feet and bellowing a mighty warcry.
Item Acquired: Davy Crockett: The White Speedo of Lumithos
”STALIN!” he wails, ”You’ll pay for this, you arch-fiend! You’ll pay!”
Davy Crockett grabs his heavily bleeding arm and gnaws it off with his teeth! He rushes forwards to meet the speedoed dictator in manly single combat, swinging his severed limb between his teeth and ...smacking SPEEDOSTALIN directly in the ear with the bleeding end! SPEEDOSTALIN staggers backwards, letting Boone snap at his hairy chest ...and narrowly escape entrapment in the curly darkness.
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severed Right Arm!
Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Heavily Bleeding Ear!
Archimedes wordlessly sat down and started to heal his leg. The recent troubles had been too much for him. First, he had to bear the sight of SpeedoStalin, then there was the Brain attack,...
He prayed to his ancestors, the ancient philosophers, for aid. They answered him: The world is made up from undefined matter, all tiny and equal particles, arranged into order by a godly spirit whereupon they become defined.
Fix leg (Let crocket use the medkit too), have mental breakdown, Go Socratic on Stalin. If that doesn't work, then throw the robofist at him.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Behind Crockett’s desperate assault …Archimedes stares brokenly into the distance. Something is wrong. Okay, well, several things seem wrong, but something in particular is gna- OH BY THE GODS I CAN'T MOVE! Archimedes' legs are paralysed! He looks down, fearing the worst, but OH GODS THE SPEEDOS it's worse than the worst! His legs are clamped tight with sweaty molten used communist Speedo!
...His hands scramble blindly in the depths of his medkit. He pulls out a bottle of alcoholic hand gel! He squirts it furiously down his legs, rubbing and rubbing until all trace of moisture is gone and the bright red of the Speedo begins to fade. His legs are freed!
Archimedes glances at his magical healing hands in wonder. They appear to be turning communist!
...His mind goes blank. Visions of the ancients float by and the rest of the world turns electric blue behind their severed floating heads.
A pool of darkness circles out around the crouching sage.
”Blast…” he mutters to himself. ”Who put all these things in my head? Have I ever been born?”
Paul McCartney LOCKS ON to SPEEDOSTALIN'S GROIN and reveals his HORRIBLE SPEEDOGUTS in an attempt to drain the horror from the dictator's all powerful SPEEDO-CLAD GROIN.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Boys, what's going on? Speedostalin's a lecherous dictator, sure, but not terrible enough to cause me to act out like-"
(http://tnypic.net/64c9a.png)
"Bloody hell, it's like I'm seeing it for the first time!” realises Paul McCartney. ”Now that I think about it... I may have discovered his weakness! Come on, Stalin!" he cries with renewed force and vigour, ”Taste my guts!”
Paul McCartney begins fiddling frantically with his clothes! Awoken from his maddened slumber by the musician's warcry, the nearby Archimedes, ever the mathematician, suddenly realises in a flash what McCartney intends to do! He leaps to his feet, throwing himself through the air in a desperate attempt to halt the Beatle in his tracks.
”Noooooooooooooooooooooo!” he wails whilst time slows, ”Speedo... times Speedo... equals...”
Archimedes flies straight past McCartney, splashing head first into the water below the hovering Clayboard. He turns as soon as his head surfaces, and his face turns white with fear.
...A burning red beam of pure SPEEDOPOWER is shooting straight from Paul McCartney towards SPEEDOSTALIN’S groin! With his guts still thrust forwards at the dictator, McCartney raises his hands to his screaming face as he wrestles internally with the dreadful power filling his tormented mind. His head is filled with visions of hair-ringed tight red Speedos and military parades! He falls to his knees, his out-thrust gut magnetically pulling itself towards the imposing avatar of evil before him who stares down, hands upon his hips.
”Ahahahaha!” booms Stalin, ”Foolish Beatle! Don’t you know? Speedo…” he continues, with a disturbing leer playing across his lascivious lips, ”Times Speedo… equals…”
Suddenly, with the umbilical SPEEDO-CORD between them, SPEEDOSTALIN thrusts his crotch towards the sky. The burning red beam follows, and Paul McCartney is thrown into the air! As he reaches the end of the beam Stalin abruptly brings his crotch back before pelvic-thrusting once more to the heavens. McCartney is violently separated from the crotch-beam; there is a loud thunderclap, a bright red burst of atomic energy: the crotch-beam shoots back towards the ground and Stalin’s groin! As the cruel line of energy seeps into SPEEDOSTALIN’S Speedos his eyes begin to glow with a fierce dark redness. He throws his shattered shoulders apart, opening his arms to the night sky and jerking his head back.
”Eheheheh! Eheheheheheh! Speedo… times Speedo… equals…” he cries out, growing taller as he does so, ”Equals…”
”Oh gods, no…” interrupts Archimedes with a shattered whimper.
”SPEEDO SQUARED!” finishes the arch-communist. “Ahahahahahaha!”
Power Up Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: SPEEDOSQUARED!
SPEEDOSTALIN, noticing his power gain from the SPEEDOWIPE, SPEEDS over to Tesla, striking him in the face with a mighty pelvic thrust and stealing the SPEEDOWIPE. SPEEDOSTALIN then SPEEDily rubs himself with the wipe.
(http://tnypic.net/96ca7.png)
SPEEDOSTALIN licks his dirty-minded lips as McCartney lands broken on the floor.
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Bruised Chest!
He eyes Tesla bleeding on the floor in a haze of electricity a few feet away.
Stalin’s left eye briefly winks.
Electrify myself to stop the bleeding and shield me from Stalin's SPEEDO!
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
"Oh… God… preserve me…” mutters Nikola Tesla. ”The blood! It’s mine! Must… electrify…”
The scientist struggles out a parched whistle and his electric polar bear brings over his Tesla Coil. Tesla flips the overload emergency discharge switch. White lightning shoots forth, smashing Tesla in the chest, dancing over his body, illuminating his shaken limbs and mangafying his well-groomed hair and smashing him back to the ground. ...He feels… he looks down; untamed current still playing across the surface of his rapidly healing torso.
He feels better.
Suddenly he glances up. His eyes meet Stalin’s. Stalin winks at him. Tesla shudders as a chill runs down the nape of his neck.
...With incredible speed SPEEDOSTALIN appears before Nikola Tesla, ... blasting him in the face with a mighty pelvic thrust and knocking him prone to the floor! Tesla’s grievously traumatised right eye leaps out of its socket and sprouts dozens of tiny legs, fleeing across the floating bridge segment before diving into the water of the River Volga! Blood spumes forth after the missing eyeball as Tesla crawls in pursuit. He reaches the edge of the bridge and looks down.
He sees his eyeball floating, staring back at him accusingly.
There’s a flash of movement in the water.
Tesla’s eye is gone.
Suddenly Nikola Tesla feels someone rifling through his pockets! He instinctively curls into a ball. It could be anyone! They could be filthy! They could be writhing in foul bacteria!
Wound Acquired: Nikola Tesla: Heavy Eye Bleeding!
Time to MAN UP! Stevo thinks as he crouches low. He is the manliest of all men, especially AUSSIE men! Time to out-man this... Speedostalin! MANLY WRESTLING! With sight gone from his eyes, Stevo leaps in the general direction of the smell of communism, and began wrestling whatever he found first!!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Nikola Tesla, like his new Australian companion, might consider himself lucky.
For alas! The remaining historical heroes who retain the ability to see witness the most distressing of spectacles! SPEEDOSTALIN triumphantly takes his hands out of Tesla’s pocket and holds aloft… the SPEEDOWIPE! He rubs his body all over in the repulsive fabric and further SPEEDO energy begins to pulse from his foul magnificence!
Power Up Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: SPEEDOWIPE!
A wave of power ripples over the crouching and blinded Steve Irwin.
Time to MAN UP, Stevo! he thinks to himself. You’re the manliest of all men, mate! Especially all AUSSIE men! Crikey mate, this… this… mere SPEEDOSTALIN can’t hold a candle to your super manliness! Taking a deep sniff of the putrid air around him, Stevo trembles with raw Aussie power as he readies himself to pounce. Time to out man this puny fiend! With… MANLY WRESTLING! That doesn’t sound at all… nah, he thinks, erasing the thought from his mind. ”EAT MY WRESTLE, MATE!” cries Steve Irwin as he bounds through the air like an odour-guided homing missile. ”CRIKEY!!”
He lands smack on his target and wraps his arms round Stalin’s back in a deathgrip, squeezing and struggling and trying to beat Stalin to the ground.
...The moist darkness of SPEEDOSTALIN’S hairy man-cleavage closes in on Stevo’s cheeks.
His eye-blood dribbles down his face.
He feels the warm throb of Stalin’s SPEEDOCROTCH press inescapably against the inside of his thigh.
He is trapped.
SpeedoStalin's laugh grew only mightier, as a Bowienaut prostrated himself before the might of the dictator. He put one of his mighty communist fists into the air, then slammed it down. The power of the Speedo and the glorious USSR combined, and put out a mighty burst of fluorescent red energy.
(http://tnypic.net/96ca7.png)
Suddenly Steve Irwin hears the raspingly seductive voice of SPEEDOSTALIN cut open the Speedograd night.
”Eheheheh! Power of SPEEDO! Power of Glorious USSR!” he incants, raising his right fist in the air. A ball of red power coalesces around his hand. ”UNITE!” shouts the Soviet dictator. He slams his fist down!
...SPEEDOSTALIN violently jars his fractured arm!
SPEEDOSTALIN squeals in anti-capitalist pain!
His power unification ritual is disrupted, and the ball of power around his hand bursts into a large ball before sucking itself back into Stalin’s hand, coursing through his body and shooting out through his Speedo-covered groin! ...Steve Irwin’s thigh is immediately severed, flying off several feet before tumbling forlornly across the surface of the bridge.
The over-powered SPEEDOSTALIN starts uncontrollably pelvic-thrusting, his enraged groin dragging him in ever-accelerating circles round the centre of the bridge!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severed Left Thigh!
Power Penalty Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Disrupted Ritual!
Use the massive amount of blood around the area to create a WMD, if the Heroes do not help me stop my own bleeding...
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
SPEEDOSTALIN wildly smashes the kneeling Rasputin to the ground, whose face hits the floor and comes to rest in a pool of thickening blood.
”What?!” cries the Russian priest. ”Is this my blood? I feel weak… but… but… I am INVINCIBLE! My blood… OUR blood! It joins the fight against the tyranny of Communism!”
Still kneeling, Rasputin discretely reaches inside his clothing.
Without the circling SPEEDOSTALIN noticing, the pools of blood covering the ground begin to thicken and to shrink and to join, moving slowly but surely towards each other until the floor beneath Rasputin is black with clots.
Rasputin gets to his knees, one hand still inside his shirt and the other pointing towards his foe.
”Hohoho!” he announces, ”Your time is up, traitor of the motherland! The blood you have shed come back to haunt you!”
He makes a curious gesture with his fingers.
...Everything turns red.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Broken Left Arm!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Fractured Ribs!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Bleeding Face!
Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Bruised Face!
Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Fractured Cheek!
Wound Acquired: SPEEDOSTALIN: Severed Left Arm!
Item Lost: SPEEDOSTALIN: Speedogun!
Shortly after…
SPEEDOSTALIN awakes. It’s the strangest thing. He could swear he has a… He opens his eyes and looks downwards. He does have an Aussie National Hero caught in his chest hair! He goes to brush him off. His arm appears to be missing. He leaves Steve Irwin attached. A voice from nearby berates him. He swivels his eyes to identify the source. Feet spread wide apart, Archimedes of Syracuse stands towering above him.
”Stalin, Do you urge for all people in this world to be equal and to be regarded as equals?”
”I… don’t know… I… I suppose so?”
”Is it not true that you look upon your people like father to his children, and that they look upon to you as to a Godly and motivating spirit?”
”I… I am a father to my people! I am a Godly motivating spirit!”
”Stalin," continues Archimedes, "If the ancient Greek philosophers said that in the beginning all was equal, and that then a Godly spirit made them into the disorder they are today, then what does that mean? Doesn't it mean that your quest is futile, as your every action further increases inequality on the most basic level? Give up, Stalin, you are uniting your people into chaos, not into order and equality! Give up! Do you not see the futility of communism? Repent!”
”Repent!? Never!” ...cries the battered Speedo-dictator. ”I shall NEVER give up the fight of Marx and Lenin before me! I shall never renounce the dream of a Soviet world! I shall never- ARRRRRRRRGHH!” SPEEDOSTALIN turns purple with rage. ”Get off me you bumbling fool!” he shouts at Stevo. ”Get off me and begone with your bourgeois niceties! You, Greek! Take this!”
SPEEDOSTALIN rips Steve Irwin out of his chest hair with his right arm and flings him at Archimedes!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Bleeding Left Arm!
Suffused with the spirits of the ancients, Archimedes lets the POWER OF SCIENCE take over! The TRUTH OF THE PHILOSOPHERS fills his arm! He reaches down to the nearby robotic arm and grasps the bulky metal limb, raising it above him and hurling it at his unreasonable foe.
...Archimedes misses entirely!
The robotic arm slams heavily against the segment of bridge, tilting one end below the water.
It beings to sink!
SPEEDOSTALIN howls with rage as the bowienauts begin to flounder in the cold waters of the River Volga, and, as the water laps about his thighs, he turns.
Suddenly there is a rush of air and a flurry of bubbles breaks to the surface.
SPEEDOSTALIN struggles through the water towards the hundred yard long submarine that appears, hauling himself up the yellow-painted sidewalls and desperately unscrewing the hatch at the top of the conning tower. He turns to face the bowienauts and shakes his remaining fist.
”I will be back, time-fiends! I will rub myself all over, and I will grow a further limb! I will come back doubled in power! I shall melt you down and wear you on my groin! You shall know how it feels to be dead!”
He disappears into the submarine’s hull.
The submarine's engines start.
It moves slowly south.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: SPEEDOSTALIN (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 16, 2012, 02:41:13 pm
Stalin/0=1
Divide by Zero, lend medkit to all friendlies who needs it, including me.(But not )
* Seriously, we're is the Good and just United Belgian States army.
Turn validity confirmed by GM. Estimated fail chances. 50 % (1,3,6)
Post by: Chink on May 16, 2012, 02:51:12 pm
Sing a catchy tune while attempting to smash the submarine's engines.
((Did you notice the character sheet I put up?))
Waitlist, please.
EDIT: Character sheet ready, please balance it if you consider it unbalanced.Spoiler: WARNING, badly written bios ahead! (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on May 16, 2012, 03:00:30 pm
Quote from: lawastooshort
Also, I'm considering doing my first suggestion game to add back story to the world of the Timelord... You are SPEEDOSTALIN'S chest hair or You are Speedo. The more obvious one would be You are The Magnificent Timelord I guess. Or a spin-off, You are Boone?
Finally, I don’t like the red and black colour scheme this turn unwittingly took (I used red for Stalin to break up the vast mountain of text). Any ideas? Perhaps I should return to doing more pictures, but it takes a lot of time already. Perhaps I should control myself when I write and not make it so long and text-filled…
The suggestion game could be interesting- if you think you've got enough material for You are Speedo, I'd be all over that. Otherwise, maybe a Timelord origin story thing?
As far as color scheme, you could assign colors to the various Boweinauts to further break it up, and/or you could use small stock photos to preface dialog. I think I'd prefer the first method for this game.
Quote from: lawastooshort
((Lawas: I'm going to be heading on a graduation trip to NYC soon so could you auto me for the turn after the next? Thanks))
Sure – have a good trip. Suggestions for Paul McCartney (for next turn I believe) anyone? Keep them sensible please.
Given the turn I just read, you may need to define "sensible."
Paul McCartney attempts to teleport the Bowienauts inside the submarine through the power of song!
We all live in a Yellow Submarine
Yellow Submarine
Yellow Submarine
Post by: freeformschooler on May 16, 2012, 03:16:27 pm
Post by: Toaster on May 16, 2012, 03:48:20 pm
and Marcus Aurelius.
He's so dreamy!
Post by: empfan on May 16, 2012, 06:54:02 pm
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 16, 2012, 07:12:50 pm
I think now would be the time for a party-wide heal.
Post by: Toaster on May 16, 2012, 10:38:30 pm
Maybe it was the blood loss, but Crockett could see his path clearly ahead of him.
This strange boat that could sail underwater must be SPEEDOSTALIN'S escape method. If he got away, they may never have another chance to stop him. It was now or never, and he knew just what to do.
Stuff the other arm through my face to make DOUBLEARMFACE! Doublearmface blast a hole in the Yellow Submarine!
Post by: Talarion on May 17, 2012, 12:59:57 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 17, 2012, 02:48:20 am
I think now would be the time for a party-wide heal.I thnk Lumithos was the good god from the other forum game. Maybe try the white speedo for godly healing (or divine retribution)
Post by: empfan on May 17, 2012, 06:15:59 am
Attempt to climb onto the sub and get inside
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 17, 2012, 06:32:34 am
Attempt to stop the bleeding using the Philosopher's stoneDoesn't that thing have a cooldown?
Post by: Toaster on May 17, 2012, 07:54:21 am
Though it begs a question: Mod: Does the White Speedo need to be targeted or just activated?
Post by: Talarion on May 17, 2012, 07:55:44 am
and Archi: BORE HIM TO DEATH WITH PI (If you don't mind using your oneshot item, of course)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 17, 2012, 08:11:06 am
Guys. Hows about this. Rasputin: HYPNOTISE!1. He's in a submarine, he can't hear me.
and Archi: BORE HIM TO DEATH WITH PI (If you don't mind using your oneshot item, of course)
2. I'm already doing something dangerous and pointless
3. I doubt it'll work, it's more of an Aoe Weapon.
Post by: Talarion on May 17, 2012, 08:43:38 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 17, 2012, 08:46:02 am
Oh. Right. I knew that. D:I can still do somethingelse. Maybe set up the laser. In any case, if anyone needs the medkit just ask.
Post by: Talarion on May 17, 2012, 09:05:27 am
Post by: monk12 on May 17, 2012, 09:07:08 pm
Post by: empfan on May 18, 2012, 02:12:15 pm
Yeah, Irwin is 2 turns from death- he could REALLY use some healz.
Same here, actually, but the main heroes are more important for now...I suppose.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 18, 2012, 02:14:35 pm
Well, I'm sharing an infinitive medkit, come and heal yourself.Yeah, Irwin is 2 turns from death- he could REALLY use some healz.
Same here, actually, but the main heroes are more important for now...I suppose.
Then again, the turn has been partially written up already, so I don't know if you can change actions,.
Post by: empfan on May 18, 2012, 02:36:00 pm
Well, I'm sharing an infinitive medkit, come and heal yourself.Yeah, Irwin is 2 turns from death- he could REALLY use some healz.
Same here, actually, but the main heroes are more important for now...I suppose.
Then again, the turn has been partially written up already, so I don't know if you can change actions,.
Well if I don't die this turn I'll make sure to do that...
Post by: lawastooshort on May 19, 2012, 03:11:48 pm
TURN EIGHTEEN
“Oh! Darling! Look what they’ve done to me! My arm is gone, my ear is bleeding; my rugged beauty is ruined forever!”
“Joseph… Joseph… It’s ok… It’s over now. Come here. We’ll get my finest shurgeons to shee to your wounds. Come, give me a cuddle. You know I’ll always love you, even if your face is shmashed to shmithereens, it’s what’s inside that counts, Joseph! Come, step into the light.”
There is a pause.
“Oh, Jeshush…”
From deep within the yellow submarine there comes the sound of muffled sobbing as Stalin cries into his lover’s shoulder.
Climb atop my bear, which of course knows how to swim.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
Mild panic engulfs the intrepid squad of freedom assassins. Their target is getting away, merely terribly injured! As the segment of bridge disappears underneath them, they begin to flounder in the Volga.
...Tesla mounts his bear.
The bear sniffs a passing thigh with great curiosity; Tesla notices the habitual skittishness that comes over his loyal companion whenever he is getting hungry.
Dive after the thigh and reattach it.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Steve notices the bear’s interest with sudden alarm.
"Crikey! I need that thigh to wrestle proper-like!"
He propels himself through the water as violently as he can, throwing himself upon the errant thigh as if it were a prize crocodile threatening to escape from his loving grasp and smashing it a few times with his elbows before he remembers it isn’t.
“Come on, you beauty! Come to daddy! Oh yeah, that’s a real prize specimen right there, eh fellas?” He looks around, surprised to suddenly notice his film crew have long since fled. “Oh, what the bloody hell, mates? That was a bloody privilege to see! You just don’t get a wild Aussie thigh floating about in nature every day, mates! Oh, crikey.”
Trying to remain stationary and floating on his back, Steve Irwin points his mutilated stump to the sky.
...He grits his teeth and pushes his thigh down hard.
“Oh, crikey mates! It’s a perfect fit! Who’d a thought, eh?”
Stuff the other arm through my face to make DOUBLEARMFACE! Doublearmface blast a hole in the Yellow Submarine!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Maybe it's the blood loss, maybe it's the inspirational Aussie floating about beside him, but Crockett sees his path clearly ahead of him.
This strange boat that can sail underwater must be SPEEDOSTALIN'S escape method. If he gets away, they may never have another chance to stop him. It’s now or never, and he knows just what to do.
Suddenly he stops, stumped.
“Oh, blast. How the devil am I meant to perform such delicate surgery with no functional… Hmm… Can I bend this one round? Tarnation. Damn. Boone? I’ve er… I’ve got a job for you, son. You’re gonna have to be real careful, you hear me?”
Davy Crockett jerks his head forward and tosses his severed arm towards where he guesses his feet are floating. There’s a sudden flurry of water, a snap, then nothing.
There’s a worrying pause.
...Suddenly Boone leaps out of the water like some kind of crazed gazelle, arcing through the night sky and kicking Davy Crockett violently in his face!
Crockett feels complete once more.
Enhancement Acquired! Doublearmface!
There’s only one thing left for Davy to do.
Squeezing his eyes shut with concentration, Davy Crockett attempts to sink the enemy submarine with his… severed arm? His grimace becomes such that the watching Archimedes reaches inside his first aid kit in search of some fast acting laxative, fearing a fatal faecal impaction!
...There’s a sudden pop, a brief splash, a rush of movement through the water and a definite snap.
...Boone pops back up to the surface. His eyes flit from side to side like a naughty puppy.
“Oh, Boone…”
Enhancement Lost! Doublearmface!
Quote from: The Officially Endorsed Voice of McCartney
Sing a catchy tune while attempting to smash the submarine's engines.
Quote from: The Rival and Unauthorised Voice of McCartney
Paul McCartney attempts to teleport the Bowienauts inside the submarine through the power of song!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Meanwhile, Paul McCartney is not sure what to do, but knows that something must be done! ...He’s about to smash the submarine’s engines when he realises he can’t reach them: he must penetrate the enemy vessel first! Still hovering on his futuristic Clayboard, he swings his guitar round.
In the town, where I was born!
Lived a man, who sailed to sea!
And he was a dictator!
And his downfall will, be messy!
We all live in a Yellow Submarine,
Yellow Submarine,
Yellow Submar- oh good lord what the hell?!
...The unfinished chord hangs dissonant in the air. McCartney has teleported a pack of Blue Meanies from the Yellow Submarine!
(http://tnypic.net/06442.png)
They swim towards the bowienauts, faces contorted with anger.
Attempt to climb onto the sub and get inside
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
“Bloody cosseted westerners!” harrumphs Rasputin to himself. “All talk and no bloody action! Too much bloody feelings! Not enough umph! Come on!” he announces, again, seemingly to himself, “Let’s get that bastard! I’m not letting my arch-enemy escape!”
His powerful arms chop through the water, propelling him towards the slowly moving sub. He catches it up with no great exertion, and heads directly for the small rungs below the conning tower.
...He begins to climb the hull.
“So far so good… If you need someone killing properly… Damn it…”
Divide by Zero
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
This is it, realises Archimedes of Syracuse, the greatest mathematician of the Ancient World. Logic has failed. Communism is prevailing. Freedom has fallen. Even the united forces of good can't stand up to this monster. The Fate of the universe is being decided this very moment. I must… Oh dear Timelord, may the gods forgive me. I mean no harm...
Archimedes decides he must use his ultimate weapon. A secret unknown for ages. A weapon never meant to be used. A weapon so dangerous it could damage the fabric of time and space itself. He stands as tall as he can in the freezing water, turning to face the enemy submarine and readying his incantation.
Something feels wrong.
He waits.
Suddenly there’s a deafening burst of thunder! A dramatic spurt of lightning! That’s better! The silhouette of this ultimate mathemagician is burnt upon the eyes of the many observers and his words, few but chilling, echo in their ears for all eternity as he speaks forth with an unnervingly confident voice.
”STALIN! DIVIDED... BY... ZERO EQUALS... ONE!”
The thunder returns, its loudness increased tenfold. Bolts of lightning shoot from the sky, seemingly from every direction at once, their epicentre the radio mast of the submarine’s conning tower.
Then the lightning ceases. Everything is black.
There is silence.
Deathly silence.
Silence that is suddenly broken by a wail of maniacal giggling laughter!
”Ahahahaha! Heeheehee! I’m not dead! The world still exists! Time still exits! Space still…” Archimedes stops his maddened cackle to glance from one side to the other. ”Yes… space still exists… Eheheheheheheheheh! So… SPEEDOSTALIN… is…?”
“Uh…” The Magnificent Timelord’s voice comes over the neural interlink and crackles over the joyful giggle of the Greek. ”Uh, did someone… did someone just manipulate time and space? I er… hold on… reviewing situational recordings…” There’s a pause. ”Oh shit, Archimedes! God damn. Well boys, you gotta go in there and ID the body… though I doubt there’ll ever be one… At least check he’s not still –“
Bowie’s instructions are suddenly interrupted on the ground.
There is an awful screech of tearing metal.
Suddenly a vast sheet of steel is ripped out of the yellow submarine as it is opened from the inside as if it were a tin of furious sardines! The submarine comes to a halt as it bobs about on the surface; a great flat hole appears in the hull above the waterline, and the steel sheet is flung in the direction of the bowienauts!
...A distinctive Scottish voice booms through the Russian night.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
A figure steps into the breach created in the hull of the submarine.
“My love! Joseph! What have they done! Where have you gone! I’ll get you, you shtupid bastards! I shwear on my mother’s life, I will kill you all! JOSEPH!!!”
(http://tnypic.net/4c9c9.png)
The neurolink crackles back into life.
“Oh shit guys.”
The ensuing silence is broken only by the continued rantings of the enraged Scotsman a dozen metres away.
“We only wanted to be happy! We were shoulmates! I was going to take him away from this shordid life and show him a world of beauty! A world of luxury! A world of chest hair!”
“Umm…”
“I’ll never feel his hot breath on the back of my neck again! I’ll never shmell his manly magnificence! I’ll –“
“Er, Mick? Can we uh... can we mute the incoming signal? The thought of their intertwining moustaches is making me kinda queasy, man. Right, that’s better. Now listen up, bowienauts. Sean Connery is a foe far beyond your abilities; if I’d known he and Stalin were still together I wouldn’t have sent you in there. We’ve identified an emergency extraction landing zone half a mile to the west – it’s a large stadium, head towards the red point on your neurodisplay that I’m about to show up and you won’t be able to miss it. It’s big enough for Marcus to land and currently free of both Nazi and Communist activity. Get out of there before Connery catches up with you, I’m gonna send someone down who should be able to give you the time to get away. Ready to beam down T? And oh yeah - Rasputin? Tesla? I don’t know what you’re doing in this timestrand but if you can get to safety with my boys I’ll take you under my protection. None of you are safe now until either you or Connery is dead. His vengeance will last beyond the grave and reach beyond the limits of space. Now go!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: 60s SEAN CONNERY (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 19, 2012, 03:35:55 pm
A. Tell Sean Connery was only dimensionally translocated( Wormhole and such) (Don't tell him that he probably arrived in tiney meaty bits at the other end)
B. Tell Sean Connery that Stalin still exists. This because the fact that we only see an image of some thing. The Idea is persistent and undestroyable.
C. Climb on Paul McCartney's clayboard. Heal team mates. Set up laser and prepare for chase scene.
Come'on. We need to get out of here fast. Archimedes hitches a ride on Paul Mcartney's clayboard, then sets up his solar laser and a small field hospital treating everyone who asks for treatment, and himself."You lads focus on him, I'll tackle the important problems". He aligns his solar laser in such a way as to heat the air/water behind the board, turning it into a laser powered rocket board."
Hitch a ride, Set up a field hospital and Set up Solar laser. Boost Board with laser.
Post by: empfan on May 19, 2012, 05:30:34 pm
Post by: Chink on May 19, 2012, 05:55:02 pm
Post by: Toaster on May 19, 2012, 09:08:46 pm
Also, it was glorious while it lasted. Awww.
Post by: Talarion on May 19, 2012, 09:21:37 pm
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 20, 2012, 12:19:00 am
I could really use a heal, if you guys can spare one.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 20, 2012, 12:20:35 am
Detach the Coil from the Bear and wear it myself, so that I can fire backwards while we swim away.I'm setting up a small fieldhospital on the clayboard. Just state that you get yourself healed in your turn. Probably in black. There's only a 33% chance that it'd go either horribly well/good.
I could really use a heal, if you guys can spare one.
Post by: Toaster on May 20, 2012, 09:03:55 pm
Use various scattered body parts to patch up anyone who needs it!
My poor double armface. :(
Post by: Phantom of The Library on May 21, 2012, 06:56:08 pm
Because you're blue and mean things I'm creeped out by you,
Because you're blue and mean it's true,
I want you gone more than ever I do.
I want you gone this moment things, I'm creeped out by you
At the moment I'm starting to feel like I'm blue,
I'm living ev'ry moment in fear of you.
I've been creeped out from the moment I saw you,
You looked at me that's all you had to do,
I feel it now I hope you feel it too.
Because you're blue and mean things I'm creeped out by you,
Because you're blue and mean it's true,
I I want you gone more than ever I do.
I'm really creeped out by you.
Post by: lawastooshort on May 22, 2012, 04:55:51 pm
TURN NINETEEN
Hitch a ride, Set up a field hospital and Set up Solar laser. Boost Board with laser.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Come on. We need to get out of here fast. You lads focus on him, I'll tackle the important problems. You know, like, the blood and everything and the approaching sharks.”
...Archimedes jumps up as Paul McCartney swoops by on his flying Clayboard, clattering straight into the sharp point and narrowly avoiding severing his legs!
“Shit! The approaching sharks! How on earth didn’t I notice them before? I wonder if I'll remember them in several paragraphs time?” he wonders as he wobbles to his feet and the severed bottom half of his robes wafts gently to his ankles. He doesn’t seem to notice; busily balancing his solar laser array on the hilt of the Clayboard, he’s just spotted Nikola Tesla swimming by wearing some kind of fancy hat! Blood seems to be spurting from his eye!
Status Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Half-naked!
Detach the Coil from the Bear and wear it myself, so that I can fire backwards while we swim away.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
Paddling through the River Volga with his Tesla coil duct taped to his head, Nikola spies Archimedes of Syracuse and Paul McCartney circling the battlefield on a giant flying sword distributing bandages and plasters. ...He waves to signal them over and treads water as well as he can whilst Archimedes stuffs cotton wool into his eye socket and fashions an eye patch out of a length of bandage.
Tesla can’t help noticing Archimedes is naked from the waist down. It helps take his mind off the pain.
GET HEALED! Oh, and GET AWAY!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Unfortunately for Steve Irwin his blood can’t wait for Archimedes to finish with his new companion! He’s bleeding severely! He’s bleeding heavily! He’s bleeding from the eyes! He staggers blindly about in the water, somehow managing neither to drown nor to get any closer to the furious ball of Scotch rage dancing about on the yellow submarine. ...Suddenly he feels a friendly hand on his shoulder.
Use various scattered body parts to patch up anyone who needs it!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
“I say, mister, you sure look like you’re bleeding heavily there!” says Davy Crockett to his Australian friend. “Here, let me drag you to safety!”
Crockett grabs hold of Steve Irwin’s arm and violently tugs him towards the bank. ...Stevo's broken arm comes clean off!
“Eh! Crikey mate, careful with me arm there fella! What the hell you doing?!”
“Er, nothing, Irwin, don’t worry about it. Your arm’s fine. Totally where it’s meant to be. Probably just shock or something, making it feel weird. Say, your eyes look hurt pretty bad, son. Can you see at all?”
“No, mate. Can’t see a bleeding thing. In fact the pain’s so terrible I’m completely delirious! Crikey!”
“Hmm… interesting… Oh! Hey! Damn it! Get away! Get lost, you fiend! Oh, God, sorry Stevo… a passing shark just ate your arm! I tried but I just couldn’t fend it off! Oh, wait, no! Actually I think it was more like an eagle. Or something. An eagle shark. Yeah.”
Enhancement Acquired! Doublearmface!
In an attempt to get rid of the blue meanies Paul McCartney sings.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Archimedes and Paul McCartney swoop by on the flying sword, floating over the water and healing first Tesla’s torn up eye and then Steve Irwin’s crotchified face as best as Archimedes’ ancient grasp of medicine allows him to. They fly over the bleeding Russian, throwing a roll of bandages and some antiseptic wipes down before circling round again. Suddenly they come face to face with a horde of blue meanies!
(http://tnypic.net/06442.png)
Paul draws his guitar like an old-time guitar-slinger from the west!
Because you're blue and mean things I'm creeped out by you,
Because you're blue and mean it's true,
I want you gone more than ever I do.
I want you gone this moment things, I'm creeped out by you
At the moment I'm starting to feel like I'm blue,
I'm living ev'ry moment in fear of you.
I've been creeped out from the moment I saw you,
You looked at me that's all you had to do,
I feel it now I hope you feel it too.
Because you're blue and mean things I'm creeped out by you,
Because you're blue and mean it's true,
I I want you gone more than ever I do.
I'm really creeped out by you.
...The blue meanies turn and flee, running across the water at such tremendous speed that they form a vast wave that shoots into the air, blasting McCartney and the unfortunate Archimedes off the Clayboard and into the river!
Heal with the medkit for the love of god!
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
...Rasputin is busily covering himself from head to toe in bandages as well as he can given the circumstances when suddenly he sees Archimedes and Paul McCartney crash out of the sky and tumble into the icy waters of the Volga!
Oh well, he thinks. At least I’m not bleeding to death! He starts swimming towards the western bank of the river.
Suddenly Rasputin’s joyous daydream is shattered by the heinous roar of terrible heartbreak and villainy! Sean Connery climbs out of the side of the yellow submarine, climbing over its hull like some kind of Scottish Tarzan and throwing himself onto the top of the conning tower. An echoing boom bursts across the riverscape as he pounds on his chest to express his pain!
(http://tnypic.net/4c9c9.png)
“Come back, yer bashtards!” shouts Connery. “I’ll bloody have the lot of you! Come on, yer little scrotes! Oh blasht. Water. Foiled again. You stay right there, you southern bashtards! I’m not getting my shuit wet for the likes of you! Hang on a second please, I’ll be back shortly. Forgot me gadgets.”
Sean Connery disappears into the submarine whilst the bowienauts stay transfixed, staring at the space he just politely vacated. Suddenly they realise: it’s their chance to escape! As one they begin paddling towards the west; bear, guitar and Clayboard in tow.
But then Connery reappears! He points his wrist at the far bank of the river, and a portable footbridge shoots out of his wristwatch! He immediately unsheathes a golf club from behind his back and begins running down the bridge towards the fleeing time assassins, swinging it about his head as he goes. Twenty paces from the submarine he stops, kneels, swirls the golf club one last time and launches it towards the nearest bowienaut.
...Rasputin’s guts are severed as the deadly sports good shoots through the air!
“Oh God,” thinks Rasputin as he comes to a flailing drowning bleeding halt in the water. “I just fixed those up! I refuse to die at the hands of a Scottish Stalin-lover! I refuse!” he shouts. “Refuse! I am Rasputin the Invincible Black Monk! I cannot be slain by a mere toy!”
...Just then there is a bubbling in the water. Suddenly a Russian noble surfaces, attempting to stab the floundering Rasputin in the back! ...But he only manages to stab his severed guts!
Rasputin turns round to face his latest assailant, shooting him a murderous glance and an even more murderous beard. The mighty beard of power leaps out, strangling the Russian noble right in the face! He drops down dead, limp and floating in the water.
Wound Acquired: Rasputin: Severed Guts!
Running past the all but incapacitated floating Russian, Connery continues on down his bridge of vengeful pursuit towards the remaining five bowienauts, drawing another golf club from his back-mounted quiver as he goes.
“Come on, you bashtards!” he bellows, catching up with Nikola Tesla, seemingly impeded by the mighty instrument he’s carrying on his head. “You can’t eshcape now!”
He reaches down into the water, ...pulling Tesla up from the surface to head height with one hand. ...He takes a bite!
“Och aye the noo! It’s a braw brich moonlich nich tonich!” shouts Nikola Tesla, suddenly wielding a fearsome claymore in his right hand. “Ooh! Sean! You’re so dreamy!”
“Oh no! Blimey mates!” realises McCartney. “Tesla’s been Scotulified! Let’s scarper lads!”
“Crikey!”
“Tarnation!” adds Crockett, because that’s what I’ve been led to believe all vaguely southern Americans say. “And dang! Keep swimming boys!”
“No!” reckons Archimedes. “It’ll be quicker on the bridge! Come on, climb up and we can run faster than any man can swim! We’ll have to leave the Scot behind! I’m sorry Tesla!” he shouts behind him. “One bite is all it takes! There’s nothing we can do for you!”
“Nooooooooooooooooo!” wails the scientist, “Don’t leave me! Finish me off! Make it humane! Make it quick!”
Archimedes halts on the bridge. He draws his submachine gun and looks down at the stricken Tesla. He’s almost entirely turned.
Status Acquired: Nikola Tesla: Scotulified!
Suddenly there’s a fuzz of static in the air; a strange sound rings out and a column of particles appears above Soviet Russia beaming down towards the surface. A bowienaut appears from the haze, balancing lightly on the bondo-bridge.
(http://tnypic.net/3289a.png)
“Connery! You know that Scotulification has been outlawed for all time voyagers! I’ve told you once! I’ve told you many times!”
“Shtep ashide, Mother Teresa. These shcum killed the love of my live, and I have shworn vengeance upon them! They deserve to die! They shall die!”
Sean Connery steps forward. The aging nun raises his right hand before her, grasping a white hand bag that seems to repel the muscular Scot.
“No. Enough, darling Sean. I will always respect you as a friend and a foe, but I cannot let you kill these brave men. They have only fought for freedom. Surely you can understand that?”
“No! Love is more important than freedom! They will die! Step aside, I said!”
Connery takes a few more menacing steps forward.
“No. You cannot pass. I am a servant of the Magnificent Timelord, wielder of the Bag of Hope. You cannot pass. Your dark lust will not avail you, flower of Scotland. Go back to your homeland! You cannot pass!”
Suddenly Connery’s face changes; a dark cloud of rage passes over. He leaps forth! He runs towards Mother Teresa!
She stands her ground.
“You cannot pass!”
She stretches to her full five feet, and then suddenly, with an incredible shaking crashing boom, she smashes the Bag of Hope down upon the bridge! As Connery closes to within striking distance, the bridge shatters into a thousand pieces and throws the Scot into the turbulent waters below. His finely tailored suit will be ruined!
But alas!
As he sinks below the surface, from somewhere in his battered heart he finds the energy to carry on the fight. He realises he is fighting for vengeance! For love! He pushes himself to the surface. He wills his manly chest hair towards Mother Teresa. His chest hair entangles her, and starts dragging her to a watery grave!
She smacks him around the head with the Bag of Hope.
He strikes back, punching her in the knees.
She begins to sink under. Aghast, some amongst the bowienauts step forward to intervene, but as if possessed by supernatural force Mother Teresa fights her way back up! She parries an elbow and dodges a bite before headbutting Connery in the face to gain herself enough time to turn her shoulder and cry out the only words she will speak to the bowienauts in this world.
“Fly, you fools!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Nikola Tesla, Scientist and Nazi-Electrifier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: 60s SEAN CONNERY (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 22, 2012, 05:05:28 pm
Post by: Toaster on May 22, 2012, 10:42:28 pm
"Can this save him? Will it mercy kill him? Let's find out."
Shoot forth the White Speedo at Tesla!
Post by: Chink on May 22, 2012, 11:15:05 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on May 22, 2012, 11:26:01 pm
Post by: empfan on May 23, 2012, 06:06:47 am
Welp, I'm fucked :-\
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 23, 2012, 06:32:50 am
Archimedes climbs back on the clayboard, helps Mcartney and otherss onto the board and then heals himself. If the solar laser is in opperational state, use it as a laser booster. Otherwise set it up.
Post by: Talarion on May 23, 2012, 06:58:20 am
Post by: lawastooshort on May 25, 2012, 08:09:24 am
TURN TWENTY
Well, everything's going to hell here, so I think I'll just retreat.
(http://tnypic.net/30365.png)
“Och! Blimey,” realises Tesla in a broad Scottish accent, “It’s only Sean Connery! Whit's fur ye'll no go by ye an’ stuff! Me mammie always wanted to do this!”
...Swimming desperately towards Sean Connery - still busy water-wrestling Mother Teresa - to fulfill his mammie’s lifelong ambition, Tesla leaps out of the water like a deranged salmon, planting a big juicy kiss on his national idol!
“Ooh my God!” he swoons as he gets stuck like Velcro to the Scot’s chest hair, “I nivver realised it would be this good!”
Archimedes climbs back on the clayboard, helps McCartney and others onto the board and then heals himself. If the solar laser is in operational state, use it as a laser booster. Otherwise set it up.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...Archimedes does his best to ignore the unfolding horror and climbs once more onto the Clayboard, where he sets about bandaging himself round the face and the arm. He hauls McCartney aboard and sets the heating laser to point to the rear, ready to flee to the river bank.
Shoot forth the White Speedo at Tesla!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”Come on, everyone,” shouts Archimedes, “There's no time to lose. Everyone get on the board, let's leave! He’s gonna turn us all into deadly Scots!”
“No!” cries back Davy Crockett as he balances on the floating Boone, “We can’t leave Tesla! He’s helped us this far, I think, or at least not fatally hindered us! We’ve got to help him!”
“No Davy, it makes no sense!”
“You go!” shouts Davy, stripping his trousers off to reveal the shining White Speedo of Lumithos beneath. “I’ve got the Holy Speedo of Good! Can it save him? Will it mercy kill him? Who knows! But I’m sure it can counteract the virus! I’ll save him if it’s the last – OH GOD NO! I can’t control it! The power’s building up! It’s overwhelming!”
...Suddenly Davy Crockett’s groin bursts forth, pulling the brave American forward on Boone like a waterskier towards Connery and the entwined and enamoured Tesla, still busily wrapping his arms around the muscular torso and taking in great big nasally breaths of joy. The tight white shiny material begins to expand and to glow until a column of angelic noise seems to shoot across the River Volga towards the chest hair-captured scientist. The terrifying holy power of Lumithos touches upon Nikola Tesla’s love-paralysed body, the beam of angelic spirit solidifying in the air. Davy Crockett begins to levitate! He begins to rise upwards above the water as if levered by the power of Good!
Then the flow of power from Crockett to Tesla seems to stall for a brief instant; then to reverse gently; and then, finally, to blast energy in great waves of white from Tesla back to Crockett, the immense power of the Holiest of Old Gods screaming down the column towards the American before in an instant flinging him backwards through the air. The white column of light disappears in an inward sucking flash and a crash of silence seems to envelope the battlefield.
Crockett flies backwards towards the river bank before landing with a dull thud.
...Tesla hangs limp off Connery’s chest.
Suddenly there’s a flurry of splashes rising from the river; the electric polar bear shoots out of the water a dozen metres from the battling Connery and Mother Teresa before sprinting across its surface towards the angry Scotsman, leaping into the air a short distance from his master’s seducer and opening his great gaping maws to rip him from Connery’s terrifying chestforest!
The loyal bear sprints towards the river bank. He shakes the lifeless scientist lovingly in his jaws, expressing the deep love he had never been able to speak. He drops him on the sandy bank. He nuzzles him gently with his damp nose.
Tesla’s dead.
A beam similar to the one that delivered Mother Teresa to earth comes down from an indistinguishable point in the sky, and Nikola Tesla rises slowly into the heavens, arms dangling limply by his side, Tesla Coil still duct-taped proudly to his head.
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Heavy Arm Bleeding
Time to skedaddle, mate... like... like a runnin' wallaby, bajeebered out of his pouch, mate! CRIKEY!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Time to skedaddle, mate... like... like a runnin' wallaby, bajeebered out of his pouch, mate! CRIKEY! It’s all going to pot, fellas! Tesla’s bought it! Let’s get out of here!”
...Seeing the life force drained from his companion Tesla, Steve Irwin flees from the deadly foe, hoping to God that Mother Teresa can keep them all safe from the chest hair of doom. He doesn’t look back as he swims to the western bank of the Volga.
Paul McCartney sings the U.K. national anthem, in an attempt to make the SCOTULATOR to forget his rage and return his love to a proper love, a love of freedom.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Paul McCartney’s back on board his Clayboard, and needs to act fast! Sean Connery is in a heart broken rage! What he needs is to be reminded of the unity between the British peoples! Yes! ...Doing his best to balance, Paul strums a quick chord to get his pitch right and then bursts into a cheery rendition of… of…
“Oh God no! I can’t remember the bloody words! I can’t even remember the bloody song! Oh, I, OHGODNOIHOPEITSNOTASIGNOFTURNINGSCOTTISHARGGGGGGGGGG!”
Suddenly the Clayboard starts to speed up, and a horrific sight fades quickly from view before shooting even quicker back into view!
Use Hypnosis on Sean Connery
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
“Oh yeah!” cries Rasputin, staring with his strange beady eyes at Sean Connery. “Come on, you son of a bitch, look me in the eyes! Yeah! Like that! Now, lick my bleeding guts! Come on! Yeah! Like that! Yeah! Come on! Stop that damn bleeding, you damned angry Stalin-lover! Yeah! OH GOD NO NOT LIKE THAT OH JESUS-”
...As Archimedes and McCartney speed past the scene below, they could both swear that Sean Connery is one-handedly holding off Mother Teresa whilst furiously tearing off his proud mane of chest hair and stuffing it into Rasputin’s grievous gut wound with a strange glassy glint in his eyes!
“Perhaps, you know, we should save him like?”
“It is true, good Paul, he has done us no… well… little... harm, and they say that an enemy of my enemy, and all that…”
“Well, yeah, that’s true and all, but, like, I kinda thought we can’t really leave him to that, can we, eh? If Teresa doesn’t banish Sean Connery then he’s going to suffer a fate worse than death, isn’t he? Eh? It just wouldn’t be humane!”
“Damn and blast, McCartney, you’re right again! The lasers are heating up, so we’ve only got one shot at this: you turn her round and I’ll lean off the back, tear a strip off my robes, and lasso the poor fellow. We'll drag him to safety!”
McCartney banks round over the water spraying up a flash of spume whilst Archimedes rips his clothes to shreds to fashion a crude lasso. The sword-mounted pair trace a large circle over the river before coming in for the approach.
“Coming in for a zero one niner.”
“Roger. Readying Rasputin robe-lasso.”
“Passing over target in Five.”
“Four.”
“Oh, BY THE GODS! I’m naked! Abort! Abort! Damn it McCartney, pull up! PULL UP!”
“Stay calm, Archimedes! This is it, we can’t pull out now! Three.”
“Overpass imminent. Two.”
“Oh gods, sorry, man, I’m ready. I’m ready. I’m calm.”
“One! Passing over Rasputin now! Lower the clothing! Rasputin! Can you hear? Grab hold! Grab hold before Connery does for you too!”
“Rasputin here. I’m grabbing hold!”
“Impact!”
“Oh shit! We hit it too fast, man, I couldn’t get the speed down! There’s too much juddering coming from the rear. We can’t take the added weight! We’ve taken damage! We’re losing fuel! I can’t keep the damn thing under control! We’re going down!”
“Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!”
“Brace for impact! Assume crash position!”
As the airborne Bowienauts screech past in the air they don’t have time to look back. The duelling pair behind them trade and parry blow after blow.
(http://tnypic.net/4c9c9.png) V.S. (http://tnypic.net/3289a.png)
”Lads,” interrupts David Bowie on the neuradiocommlink, ”Now that you are ashore, you have three choices ahead of you. As far as we can tell from the satellite imagery, there are three routes to the stadium where Marcus is gonna be able to touch down. This seems to be a landing beach for some of the Russians crossing the river, so they’re all defended a short distance from the shore, but some parts seem more defended than others. The northern passage seems to be a 250 yard long ravine with a little barbed wire and a pillbox at the end; we’ve detected enemy movement of some biological source on the southern route. We can’t seem to find anything along the middle passage yet – it’s another ravine about as long as the northern one, but it seems to be empty. Over, dudes, and stuff. I mean, out.”
...Suddenly McCartney and Archimedes shoot past over the rest of their comrades on the uncontrollably fast flying sword with the hapless Rasputin dragged behind them, head bouncing up and down across and below the surface of the Volga. With Archimedes struggling with his laser array on the back and Paul McCartney wrestling for control at the front, they storm the beachhead, blasting across the last of the river and up the sandy beach between the steep walls of the rocky ravine. They’re heading directly up the middle passage!
Finally McCartney brings the Clayboard under some kind of control, turning it into a sharp turn and skidding to a halt that flings both him and Archimedes into the sandy ground. Behind them the bruised and soaked Rasputin bounces along to a gentle stop.
McCartney walks over to his flying sword and tries to turn over the engine.
There’s a series of empty sounding grinding clicks.
“Oh, bugger, man. Out of petrol. Blast. Oh well, we’d best go down to meet the lads.”
“Noooooooooooo!” Suddenly Archimedes tackles McCartney to the floor! “No further, Paul! This looks like it could be dangerous or something!”
(http://tnypic.net/68c48.png)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on May 25, 2012, 10:39:58 am
Post by: empfan on May 25, 2012, 11:32:37 am
Post by: FuzzyZergling on May 25, 2012, 02:13:30 pm
Post by: monk12 on May 25, 2012, 03:01:24 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 26, 2012, 08:55:54 am
Anyway, time to sit down and fix that leg, before I cut it off. The mines 'll wait.
Post by: freeformschooler on May 26, 2012, 09:58:56 am
"Hum, the south route's out; we're all beat up here, so I doubt we can trudge through another enemy encounter. Both the northern path and middle path sound free of enemies from Bowie's description, but the middle one sounds more empty. On the other hand, the northern one has a pillbox where we might could recuperate and plan the rest of our journey... I'm voting northern path. Lads, you with me?"
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 26, 2012, 10:05:33 am
Paul McCartney thought through each possible path.Problem is, you and me and empfan are both halfway the middle path. Which is defended by a minefield. Which we 're standing in fornt of.
"Hum, the south route's out; we're all beat up here, so I doubt we can trudge through another enemy encounter. Both the northern path and middle path sound free of enemies from Bowie's description, but the middle one sounds more empty. On the other hand, the northern one has a pillbox where we might could recuperate and plan the rest of our journey... I'm voting northern path. Lads, you with me?"
Post by: freeformschooler on May 26, 2012, 10:17:56 am
Paul McCartneys sings a healing song while Archimedes patches himself up!
"Soft kitty, warm kitty-"
He stops himself!
"Oh, hum. I don't think that song's as appropriate to the situation, even if it does remind me of sleeping and healing. Here's a better one!"
"You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
All right, all right"
"Hm... I feel like I can squeeze more out of that one. I'll get back to writing it when we're not surrounded by mines."
Post by: Caellath on May 26, 2012, 11:48:25 am
Post by: lawastooshort on May 28, 2012, 02:48:10 pm
Post by: Toaster on May 28, 2012, 08:49:26 pm
Attach the Gun Turret to the left arm stump! Then vote North- I can just blow out that pillbox.
Post by: Talarion on May 29, 2012, 07:58:27 am
In other words, meet up with D.C and vote north ^^
Post by: lawastooshort on June 01, 2012, 01:59:50 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on June 06, 2012, 06:21:30 am
TURN TWENTY ONE
Stevo trudges North, because it's the farthest away from where he is. Back in Australia, everywhere away from Australia was safer than 'here' so the farthest path must be the safest!
In other words, meet up with D.C and vote north.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Aw, mate!" grumbles Steve Irwin to camera before breaking into a hard bout of Australian logic. "Wherever I am is proper dangerous, right, and I need to get safe. The only logical thing to do is to get the hell away from where I am, eh? Crikey. Furthermore, Australia is pretty dangerous, and I'm there quite often, so to increase my chances of getting to safety I should probably head north." He stops to look around him. "Come on fellas!" he cries, before realising. "Oh yeah, I forgot you lot buggered off several turns ago, eh. Yer cheeky little critters."
...He trudges off along the river's edge until he comes to what seems to be a safe looking ravine. Noticing the tell-tale signs of a hungry croc, he feels reassured by the friendly familiarity of killer reptiles and heads west along the path.
Attach the Gun Turret to the left arm stump! Then vote North - I can just blow out that pillbox.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"So..." mutters Crockett. "If I... yeah... that should do the trick. I'll fix this strange foreign killing contraption here... I should be able to rig it with some kind of... Oh blast. How am I meant to do corrective field surgery with my only arms stuck in my face? Damn and blast. Oh! Howdy, Stevo!"
"Hey Davy. Where the others got to? What the hell's that thing you're chewing? Is that... is that some kind of gun turret?"
"Yes sir, it's a Nazi gun turret I took from that there dino-machine earlier this evening – I figured I don't have no working arms on my shoulders, so why not put the space to good use? But the thing is I've got no working arms on my shoulders to attached the damned thing."
"Bugger, mate."
"Yep."
"Crikey."
"Yes sir."
Stevo bends down and struggles to tie his bootlaces. Davy coughs.
"Say, I can't help but noticing... you er... you seem to have a perfectly functioning arm there, Stevo. I... um..."
"No way mate – I've only got one, and I mea-"
"No, no, Stevo, I wouldn't do that to you, not in a thousand... yeah... anyway, no, I just wondered, could you mount it for me?"
"What?"
"Yeah, could you just, kind of, you know, thrust it as hard as you can into my shoulder?"
"Oh, right. Yeah, sure thing, Davy. Here, brace yourself, mate!"
"I say. Tarnation."
"Crikey!"
Item Acquired: Davy Crockett: Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret
"Okay! Let’s go! Let’s get to that stadium and to safety!"
...The intrepid pair of real men’s men set off once more, Davy Crockett now proudly sporting his fully automatic Nazi tank turret and every now and then correcting his stride when he finds himself tottering over to the left.
Suddenly there’s a crack of machine gun fire.
"Crikey mate! Hit the dirt! There’s some kind of Nazi machine gunner in that damned pillbox the Timelord warned us about! Oh shit, wait, I think I’m hit."
A dark patch spreads across the back of Stevo’s trademark shorts as he lies face down in the sandy loam. Crockett inches towards him as the bullets whip by overhead.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Groinal Bleeding!
Paul McCartneys sings a healing song while Archimedes patches himself up!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Paul looks over at Archimedes, slumped against a rock and holding his head in his hands as he wonders just what the hell he could do with his molested leg. Archimedes suddenly looks up.
”Paul, you know, I just don’t know if my poor leg will get over this. Steve’s brain did some pretty messed up stuff back there. I don’t even really know if I’m ready to talk about it.”
”Hey man, perhaps a song might help.”
...Paul breaks out his guitar before Archimedes can contradict him.
”Soft kitty, warm kitty-“
Paul stops strumming, his arms falling to his side.
"Oh, hum. I don't think that song's as appropriate to the situation as it could be, even if it does remind me of sleeping and healing. Here's a better one!"
"You say you want a revolution,
Well, you know,
We all want to change the world.
You tell me that it's Speedolution,
Well, you know,
We all want to change the world.
But when you talk about destruction,
Don't you know that you can count me out,
Don't you know it's gonna be all right,
All right, all right?!"
”And that’s more appropriate?” asks Archimedes. ”Well, anyway, I like it.”
"Hmm... yeah… I feel like I can squeeze more out of that one. I'll get back to writing it when we're not surrounded by mines."
”You really should, Paul, I really like it! I think you got something there… hey! I’ve even begun to forget the pain already!”
Anyway, time to sit down and fix that leg, before I cut it off. The mines 'll wait.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...Morale restored by the pulsing music emanating from McCartney’s magical hands, Archimedes gets an antiseptic wipe from his medical kit. He carefully unwraps the sealed packaging and unfolds the wipe in his hand. He looks at the ten centimetres squared of sterilised and sterilising fabric.
It’s clearly not enough.
He reaches once more into his medical kit, pulling out a large bottle of bleach. He nods to himself, unscrews the top, and pours the contents over his leg.
Thank the Bowienauts, and follow them wherever they decide to go
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
”Hey, thanks, fellow time adventurers!” says Rasputin, ...to his fellow time adventurers. ”Hey, lads? Lads? Oh crap. How… Where…”
Suddenly Rasputin hears the unmistakeable crunch of Nazi jackboot on gravel.
”Oh blast! A three man Nazi patrol just up ahead!” he mutters to himself, crouching behind a nearby bush. ”Strange, I can’t seem to see them on my neuromap…”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 06, 2012, 06:45:49 am
Set up the solar laser then break my left arm, then set it again, correctly this time. Not moving yet.
Post by: Talarion on June 06, 2012, 06:58:41 am
Post by: Toaster on June 06, 2012, 10:04:29 am
((You forgot to update my status. I no longer have the d6 bonus to cut off my own leg.))
Also my cooldown. The d6 rounds I can fire- I assume they have to all be the same round?
"Boy, you're gonna have to quit that bleeding. Let's get some cover and get you patched up."
Fire off smoke rounds to cover us from the pillbox and help Steve patch up.
There's no strewn body parts here, so it might be tricky to turn your groin into an abomination.
Post by: Talarion on June 06, 2012, 11:13:43 am
Does anyone else think that I was unintentionally implying what I now think I was... to heal a wound? o_o
Post by: freeformschooler on June 06, 2012, 05:00:09 pm
"A-ha!"
He clicks a switch and strums a string. The sound is pleasing to his ears.
"I knew the gentle-loving modifications I made back when I rode in the Peace and Love Bus would come in handy someday! Stevo, don't worry, I've got your back! Now I just hope the reversed polarization isn't purely cosmetic..."
Paul McCartney points his guitar - which is now set to ALLY instead of ENEMY - and points it at Stevo from afar! He directs the Power of Gentle Loving at Steve Irwin!
Post by: empfan on June 07, 2012, 06:32:24 am
Hide from the patrol but watch them.
Post by: Tiruin on June 07, 2012, 07:06:58 am
Post by: Talarion on June 07, 2012, 08:49:55 am
If noone else can see the blatant innuendo, then I'm a very very bad person, aren't I?
Post by: Caellath on June 07, 2012, 08:53:52 am
Post by: lawastooshort on June 08, 2012, 07:20:41 am
TURN TWENTY TWO
Fire off smoke rounds to cover us from the pillbox and help Steve patch up.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Boy, you're gonna have to quit that bleeding,” shouts Davy Crockett, crawling under the heavy fire towards the groinally bleeding Australian. “Let's get some cover and get you patched up,” he adds, ...before aiming his shoulder-mounted Nazi turret towards his own groin and letting off ...half a dozen smoke rounds.
He writhes in pain on the ground, hands clasped firmly to his crotch as smoke billows forth.
”Crikey, Davy. Do you know yer groin’s on fire mate?”
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Bruised Crotch!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Burning Groin!
Yknow what? WRESTLE THAT WOUND INTO SUBMISSION! GET IT IN A CHOKE HOLD, AND TELL IT TO BUGGER OFF, MATE! CRIKEY!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...Seeing Davy Crockett roll about on the floor holding his groin gives Steve Irwin an idea, although not that one, mate.
”Yknow what, mate? You’ve totally inspired me, fella! Crikey! Right, groin-blood, you can bugger off! Crikey!”
Standing up briefly before noticing the stream of machine gun fire passing overhead, Stevo leaps back to the floor, tackling his groin to the ground and getting it into a choke hold. Whilst Davy Crockett burns his groin on the ground nearby, Steve Irwin chokes his own crotch into submission. Suddenly he notices a damp and warm sensation running down his leg. He looks. It’s blood! He glowers at his thigh, and starts hammering the blood back into his groin with his fist!
Just then he notices a beam of gentle pleasantness streak across the sky. He feels quite relaxed. He decides he might maybe have a doze.
Paul McCartney points his guitar - which is now set to ALLY instead of ENEMY - and points it at Stevo from afar! He directs the Power of Gentle Loving at Steve Irwin!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
...Paul McCartney, furtively glancing round to make sure no one is looking, fiddles with his guitar for something unseen behind the neck.
"A-ha!"
He flicks a switch and strums a string. The sound is pleasing to his ears. Archimedes turns to watch.
"Heh,” starts Paul. “I knew the gentle-loving modifications I made back when I rode in the Peace and Love Bus would come in handy someday! Stevo, don't worry, I've got your back! Now I just hope the reversed polarisation isn't purely cosmetic..."
McCartney strokes gently and a beam of gentle pleasantness starts shooting off into the sky. But just as he’s about to come to the end of his song he notices Archimedes! He –
”Oh, dude. Gosh.”
Technology Discovered: Paul McCartney: Reverse Polarisation!
Set up the solar laser then break my left arm, then set it again, correctly this time. Not moving yet.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...As McCartney’s musical improvisation reaches its climax, Archimedes decides that the obvious thing to do would be to break his arm. He sets down his solar laser in a position where it can gather some of the piercing moonlight, finds a nice big rock, and sits down. He smacks the rock with his arm a few times.
Suddenly!
Snap!
Success!
A piece of bone pokes out!
Archimedes flounders about on the floor, far too contorted in pain to be able to see to his latest wound.
Wound Acquired! Archimedes of Syracuse: Broken Left Arm!
Hide from the patrol but watch them.
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
...As he hides in his bush, Rasputin pokes his face through to watch the Germans. They turn to approach him! Just in time, he mind-controls his beard to all but cover his face, camouflaging him expertly and leaving tiny peeking holes for his eyes.
The German soldiers walk past, mistaking Rasputin’s tremendous beard for a Russian swallow’s mating display.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Davy Crockett!!, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on June 08, 2012, 07:28:37 am
You update so faaast! :D
Also, Steve is a man of steel! Living on the brink of death!
Post by: Toaster on June 08, 2012, 12:15:19 pm
"As you would say, Steve, crikey."
Put out the fire, patch the bleeding, and mend the bruising.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 08, 2012, 12:19:59 pm
Anyway,
Bandage arm, fire laser at the mines, using the heat to detonate them and burn us a way through, if that's not enough, elemental mathematics. Just add earth to the mines, that should get trigger them.
Post by: empfan on June 08, 2012, 07:05:04 pm
Post by: Talarion on June 10, 2012, 05:00:35 am
Post by: freeformschooler on June 10, 2012, 07:48:49 am
Paul watches to see if the mines are cleared by Archimedes' action. If they are, he heads down the now-cleared path!
Post by: lawastooshort on June 11, 2012, 07:18:32 am
TURN TWENTY THREE
Put out the fire, patch the bleeding, and mend the bruising.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
...Davy Crockett decides rolling about on fire holding his groin isn’t manly enough for a man as manly as he is meant to be. Fortunately, the solution is obvious!
Help Davy with his wounds. And fire.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...Unfortunately, Steve Irwin decides to help, and launches himself head first through the air towards Davy’s burning crotch, bruising the groin and igniting the hair!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Burning Hair!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Bruised Crotch!
Reeling from his double crotch bruise, Davy Crockett thrusts his bleeding arm into his burning groin, cauterising the wound! He grits his teeth and lets out a manly sigh of relief as the blood extinguishes the fire and the fire extinguishes the blood.
"As you would say, Steve, crikey. It looks like I’ve killed two birds with one burning crotch! Hey, do you know your head is on fire?"
The burning pain in his groin healed, Davy realises it is terribly bruised and tender. He lies back on the sandy loam and gently rubs it better.
Bandage arm, fire laser at the mines, using the heat to detonate them and burn us a way through, if that's not enough, elemental mathematics. Just add earth to the mines, that should get trigger them.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
"Prepping your laser again, eh Archy?” asks Paul McCartney. ”Well, that should do us good. I'll follow you after this. Lead the way!"
...Archimedes of Syracuse fumbles about ineffectually with a bandage and his arm before throwing the bandage to the floor in irritation. He decides instead that creating a field of exploding deathshrapnel would be far more satisfying!
...He steps up behind his solar laser. He shoots a beam of concentrated moonlight at the ground in a broad arc before him, and is rewarded by an immediate sequence of deafening booms! Explosion follows explosion in a chain of reactions all the way up the path. The way is clear!
Paul watches to see if the mines are cleared by Archimedes' action. If they are, he heads down the now-cleared path!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
...Watching Archimedes create a vast wave of exploding path, Paul McCartney waits for the shrapnel to land and then sets off towards the west. He hears what sounds like three German voices start shouting cries of alarm not far behind them to the east.
Continue watching, and bearding.
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
...Hiding in his bush, Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk, watches the German trio disappear round the corner, towards his allies. He feels his beard pulse with power and grow measurably, but unlike that time near Rostock nothing supernatural occurs. As a keen amateur beardist, he feels a slight twinge of disappointment. Suddenly his disappointment is interrupted by a series of powerful explosions to the north!
As soon as the explosions die down, the five righteous time soldiers hear David Bowie exhort them to greater glory on the commlink.
”Er, dudes? What’s all the noise? What’s the hold up? Marcus is coming down to land in a couple of minutes and overhead scanning seems to suggest enemy forces are closing in on the stadium! You need to regroup and retreat!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: !!Steve Irwin!!, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 11, 2012, 07:56:57 am
Run
((Preferably not into the mines or towards the germans))
Post by: Toaster on June 11, 2012, 09:17:57 am
Enough puttering around- time for ACTION!
Right, Steve, let's finish this!
OHIO LEAP to the pillbox, unleashing a storm of high explosive rounds on the way! Stab/bite any survivors!
Post by: freeformschooler on June 11, 2012, 01:12:08 pm
((I need to learn to be a Doctor somewhere. Also, as the Doctor would have said it:))
Run
((Preferably not into the mines or towards the germans))
"No time for a song, boys! We've gotta get to Aurelius!
Follow Archimedes!
Post by: Talarion on June 11, 2012, 02:40:58 pm
Post by: empfan on June 11, 2012, 03:02:06 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on June 12, 2012, 04:57:35 am
TURN TWENTY FOUR
OHIO LEAP to the pillbox, unleashing a storm of high explosive rounds on the way! Stab/bite any survivors!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
”Right, Steve,” says Davy Crockett, standing up under enemy fire and basking in the glory of his non-burning crotch. ”Let's finish this!”
...Without so much as a run up the mighty American leaps into the sky, his inscrutable frontier hardiness blasting the incoming stream of bullets aside. He’s about to point both his arms forwards towards the enemy and assume a horizontal gliding position through the air when he remembers both his arms are in his face, kind of, and are already pointing towards the enemy! Flushed with satisfaction he unleashes a storm of ...a single high explosive round on the pillbox as he comes down to land.
...The round bounces off the thick Nazi concrete! Crockett nimbly jumps off the roof and prepares to ring the doorbell. Suddenly a violent cacophony breaks out!
FLYING EMU TAKEDOWN the pillbox. Or someone within it. *shrug*
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Crikey mate!” says Steve Irwin, naturally, upon seeing Davy Crockett glide gracefully through the air. ”That’s a good idea!”
...Steve Irwin takes a short Australian style run up before using the power of his raw masculinity and sexy shorts to propel himself through the air like some kind of wallaby-rocket at several hundred miles an hour. Not even giving the three Nazis in the Nazi pillbox time to react, he dodges the stream of bullets and shoots straight through the narrow machine gun slit burning hair first before performing a double backflip and landing on the barrel of the machine gun. He bends it into a u-shape with his tremendous feet in a flash! The machine gunner machine guns himself in the eye!
”Ach!” shout the stereotypical Germans as they see their comrade cut himself down, ”Nein!” They draw their revolvers, but to no avail! First Steve Irwin headbutts the one on the left in the neck, ...severing his head and igniting his neckstump! And then the doorbell rings! The second German walks over to answer the door. He swings the door open. ...Davy Crockett stabs him through the mouth!
”Howdy there, Stevo!” says Davy, as Boone the Crockofoot Abomination starts munching on the dying German on the ground, ”Do you know your hair is on fire? Come on, let’s meet up with the others. I think they’re just over here!”
The two paragons of burning crotch molestation go west.
Run
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...Archimedes runs. There are Germans behind him, and a cleared minefield ahead, and then… safety! Respite! Marcus Aurelius! With his luxurious robes flapping in the wind behind him and his technologically advanced sandals slapping on the ground below him, Archimedes of Syracuse runs.
Follow Archimedes!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"No time for a song, boys! We've gotta get to Aurelius!” shouts McCartney as Archimedes runs down the cleared path. ...He follows after the Greek hero as fast as his severed leg and right leg pimp limp allow him! Which is to stay he stumbles flailingly down the path, falling over and grazing his elbows several times. Archimedes storms away into the distance.
Make my way to Paul and the Greek!
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
...Rasputin, meanwhile, rolls up his beard, tucks it neatly away, and takes leave of his bush, considering taking it with him before coming to the conclusion that his pockets aren’t nearly big enough, even though that never seemed to stop that Greek fellow carrying a vast array of mirrors in his.
The Russian makes his way up his own personalised pathway, and comes to the point where the three ravines meet, in front of a grand sports stadium which looks like it seats about forty thousand people and has been converted from holding sports events to bad political rallies. He sees his four new friends standing before the great concrete monstrosity, and hears the distant sound of an approaching bowiecopter.
Between the bowienauts and the main gates of the stadium there stands a single suit of armour. It seems to be staring at the five men. McCartney turns to Rasputin to speak.
”Oh, hi Rasputin, glad you’re safe. Every time once of us moves this suit of armour seems to raise its arm. It’s holding some kind of bag. We’re not sure if it’s safe to approach, it seems like some kind of mystical artefact…”
Rasputin stares at the undersized steel carapace, and draws in a deep breath. He makes the sign of the cross upon his chest.
”Oh God preserve us,” he mutters, ”The Legendary Protector of the Last Gate! We are doomed! He carries the Evil Bag of Discord! Heaven has turned against us! We will need to use all of our cunning to survive!”
A sinister laugh echoes within the suit of steel.
"Ahahahahahaha!"
INTRODUCING: THE LEGENDARY ARMOUR OF DOOM AND ITS WEARER, A DWARF!
Spoiler: A Dwarf (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: !!Steve Irwin!!, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star Enemy: A Dwarf (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 12, 2012, 06:23:18 am
Elemental magics: Everyone+water, + Multiply this+ try to fix that arm
Post by: Tiruin on June 12, 2012, 06:24:31 am
Post by: empfan on June 12, 2012, 06:31:58 am
Post by: Talarion on June 12, 2012, 07:23:16 am
Post by: Toaster on June 13, 2012, 07:53:03 am
Fire a salvo of armor piercing rounds!
Post by: freeformschooler on June 13, 2012, 08:01:38 am
Paul McCartney sings his FROG SONG once again and summons frogs down upon the suit of armor!
"Wait... didn't I reverse the polarization on this thing? Ah, probably not a big deal.
Post by: lawastooshort on June 15, 2012, 04:00:46 am
TURN TWENTY FIVE
Elemental magics: Everyone+water, + Multiply this+ try to fix that arm
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
"This must be a dwarf.” realises the knowledgeable Greek philosopher. “Legend says they are murderous beings, but terrifically afraid of the water. Let’s see if the legends are indeed correct!"
...Archimedes starts drawing the power of the elements out of the sky with some precise and vaguely mathematical movements, but then suddenly remembers his arm is mangled! He quickly rummages about for his medkit and pulls out a set of bandages and but oh dear! ...Oh gosh! The! Um!
An enormous trailing twirl of bandages shoots out from the medkit into the darkening sky a short distance away, from whence suddenly shoots a terrifying tornado of immeasurable height which mixes and swirls and joins together with the hundreds of metres of bandage, blasting across the barely moonlit landscape towards Archimedes’ outstretched and battered arm. Closer and closer it comes until it leaps across the surface of the ground, colliding with tremendous force with the broken limb!
Before he even knows what is happening, the force of the water-bandage spout bursts into Archimedes and sends him flying backwards a dozen metres into a nearby rock!
Stumbling to his feet on his badly bruised legs, Archimedes notices a strange sensation in his arm.
He glances down, only to see a shimmering school of bandages swimming about in his now transparent appendage!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Bruised Legs!
Limb Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Medical Water Elemental Left Arm!
Paul McCartney sings his FROG SONG once again and summons frogs down upon the suit of armor!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
As soon as the troublesome tornado travels away, Paul McCartney jumps into action, unslinging his guitar and whipping out a plectrum.
"Don't worry, boys! I'll distract the suit so Rasputin can grab the bag!" he starts, as he strums an intro. "Wait... didn't I reverse the polarisation on this thing? Ah, probably not a big deal. Here we go!”
”Bum, bum-bum; Bum, bum-bum,” he starts, as the darkened skies start darkening even more and the terrifying tornado starts heading back towards the assembled bowienauts. ”Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum-bum; Bum, bum, b-OH BUGGER!”
...The sky turns a dark and overwhelmingly ominous green; a rain starts to fall. A rain that is hard. A rain that is green. A rain that consists of great big giant frogs the size of water melons, tumbling down from the sky for as far as the eye can see!
”Croak!” goes one, as it crashes down on ...Rasputin’s head, exploding and showering the Russian in frog guts.
”Croak!” goes another, as it splatters upon ...Steve Irwin’s burning hair, extinguishing the flames and stunning the astonished Australian.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Bruised Brain!
”Croak!” adds a final monsterfrog, as if emphasising the point of his smashed brethren whilst crushing down upon ...the already frog-drenched Rasputin, chipping the skull and bruising the brain!
Wound Acquired: Rasputin: Chipped Skull!
Wound Acquired: Rasputin: Bruised Brain!
As the sky finally begins to clear once more, a solitary giant frog hops up to the shining suit of armour standing guard before the stadium amidst the sea of rubbery green limbs and splattered amphibious corpses.
It leaps feet first at the dwarf’s face, kicking his teeth in and knocking him to the ground!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Bruised Teeth!
”Hmm…” mutters Paul as he examines first his shoelaces and then the roof of a nearby building, which looks particularly interesting. ”Nope... wasn’t a big deal…”
Open the suit (via philosophers stone), grab the bag of discord.
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
...Rasputin quickly recovers from his stunned state to remember his enemy before him. His armour looks impenetrable; a greater force than mere amphibians or fists will be required! Unfortunately, in his frog-blasted daze, when he reaches into his shirt to find his formidably powerful philosopher’s stone, he only finds his nipple! He gives it a quick rub before advancing towards the dwarf, determined to steal the deadly bag of discord.
He trips over a frog!
Quote from: Dwarf
Attack Davy Crockett with a backpack to the crotch!
☺
The imposing dwarf spits out the bits of teeth frogsmashed into his mouth. They hit the inside of his helmet and rattle about, pinging back into his chin! His beard now menaces with spikes of dwarven teeth! He wades through the sea of frog, ignoring the Russian on the floor in front of him, charging directly towards his foe. The deadliest threat seems obvious: he advances upon Davy Crockett.
He bellows a silent warcry, implacable in his ancient duty to guard the entrance to his clan’s fortress, and swings his artefact backpack right into Davy Crockett’s crotch, ...tearing the skin and fracturing the bone!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Fractured crotch!
Tantrum Acquired: Davy Crockett: Tantrum Alert!
Davy Crockett is livid! His poor crotch! Instead of sinking to his knees in monstrous pain, he immediately froths over with blind rage and storms over to ...Rasputin, waving his bowie knife in the Russian’s beardy face! ... Luckily for international relations though, he is too incapacitated by crotch pain to inflict any damage! Oh well.
Tantrum Finished: Davy Crockett: Tantrum Over!
Fire a salvo of armor piercing rounds!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
This crushing knife waving failure brings Crockett to his senses: he is faced with a heavily armoured foe! He is armed with heavily armour piercing rounds! Surely this will work, he thinks to himself as he turns, aims his gun, and somehow pulls the trigger!
...But once again a mere single shell dribbles forth, ...ineffectually plopping out upon the ground!
Crockett imagines he can hear some sort of voice from within the deadly tin.
"Ahahahahahaha!"
…as he tried to put the fire out of his hair and survey the opponent.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"And that, mate, is how we do it down under, Davy-fella...” Stevo says, as he lets the exploding frog extinguish his burning hair. ”Crikey... I meant taking out Nazi pillboxes, but that’s also how we put out raging head-fires too, mate!"
He turns to face the bowienauts’ foe, and remembers his calling in life. He turns briefly back to his comrades.
”Now, what we have here, mates, is yer typical common or garden enraged deadly dwarf, supposedly guarding the entrance to his fortress since the dawn of time as instructed by the invisible hand that guides. Crikey. This guy’s a beauty, and his armour is a really fine specimen, masterwork, by the looks of it, but I’m not gonna get any closer yet without properly preparing myself – he looks like a naughty little guy, but wooo! I bet yer he’s got a pretty little face under that top quality steel plate, eh? No, I’m gonna observe him closely, and then I’m just gonna slowly approach the gorgeous critter without him even knowing I’m here. Then, when the time is right, I’m just gonna pounce and clamp his jaws shut, and then get the crew to find me some kind of box! Crikey!”
Crikey! Stevo’s expert analysis bears fruit, and he spots a weakness!
Bonus Acquired: Steve Irwin: Opponent Surveyed!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
None.
Spoiler: !!Steve Irwin!!, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star Enemy: A Dwarf (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 15, 2012, 05:39:50 am
Set up laser, Cast multiply this, and, if there's time left, fire at A dwarf.(Those weapons have freacking giant clip sizes, I 've been tugging it along since the beginning of the first adventure, and still didn't need to reload.)
Post by: empfan on June 15, 2012, 11:47:02 am
Post by: Toaster on June 16, 2012, 12:48:03 am
Grab the backpack and MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the dwarf into the distance, stealing his backpack!
Post by: Talarion on June 16, 2012, 03:25:29 am
Post by: freeformschooler on June 16, 2012, 06:43:49 am
"Uh... sorry, boys, won't happen again. Promise!"
But Paul could promise no such thing. He shot out a BEAM OF GENTLE LOVING at the dwarf!
Post by: lawastooshort on June 20, 2012, 07:13:46 am
TURN TWENTY SIX
Backs away from the dwarf, and goes off somewhere to heal
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
“Arg!” thinks Rasputin, “My skull! My brain! My guts!”
He quickly backs away from the armour plated midget, getting out of immediate danger and into a cover by a nearby rock. ...He’s about to stick a plaster on his chipped skull when he remembers he doesn’t have any plasters. Well, at least he isn’t dying any faster.
Get the Dwarf in a Flying Emu Full Nelson to hold it in place while Davy kicks it! Full Nelson always works!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Full Nelson always works!” realises Steve Irwin, leaping towards the dangerous dwarf in his typical heroic manner before ...bouncing off the masterwork steel full plate and sliding to the ground in front of his foe. “Oh. Crikey!”
Quote from: a dwarf
Backpack Kung-Fu Smack to Archimedes Head!
☺
Striding across the battlefield like a very small armour plated titan, the malicious dwarf is impervious to the terrible assaults being directed incompetently towards him. His tiny brain has detected a new target upon whom to vent his ancient anger! He sees Archimedes struggle with the pain of his slightly bruised legs, and correctly surmises he is vulnerable. He darts over with surprising nimbleness, pirouetting like a spinning tin of solidified dwarf soup before bringing his backpack round in a graceless enraged arc and ...smacking the philosopher right in the ear!
Blood dribbles down his cheek like a sleeping drunk and suddenly Archimedes begins to lose his cool!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Lightly Bleeding Ear!
Tantrum Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Tantrum Alert!
“My ear! My precious ear!” he wails, whipping out his M60 and eying his Beatle friend with all those silly frogs. Tears of pent-up rage flow down his face as he pulls the trigger, ...spraying the floor around Paul McCartney with bullets but only managing to bruise the Beatle’s nose!
Tantrum Finished: Archimedes of Syracuse: Tantrum Over!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Bruised Nose!
Tantrum Acquired: Paul McCartney: Tantrum Alert!
“My nose! My dearest nose!” cries McCartney, feeling a small bump build up on the end of his famously handsome facial appendage. “How am I going to smell the sweet smell of victory!?” he despondently wonders, before realising the true culprit and forgiving, for now, his unwitting attacker. “Oi! You! You dwarfy bastard, you!” he shouts, pointing at the dwarf with his guitar and charging in a whirling ball of fury.
...He smacks the dwarf right in the left arm with his guitar, bruising it badly through the steel and filling the dwarf this time with some quite intense irritation at the turn of events. He suddenly starts feeling some quite inexplicable sadness for a long lost pet cat, and lurches forwards once again to the irksome Greek philosopher, standing there all smug and philosophery.
Tantrum Finished: Paul McCartney: Tantrum Over!
Wound Acquired: A Dwarf: Bruised Left Arm!
Tantrum Acquired: A Dwarf: Tantrum Alert!
The dwarf swings his divisive backpack right at Archimedes’ crotch, ...at which point the wise old man realises this is silly.
“Enough!” he proclaims, raising his mighty sandal to block the blow. “One must learn to take such grievous events on the chin! Tragedy is but a natural part of human life, and ultimately if one can control one’s grief the loss of a cat if a good thing! Calm yourself, oh noble foe!”
Tantrum Finished: A Dwarf: Tantrum Over!
Paul McCartney, in the heat of battle, reverses his guitar's polarization... AGAIN!
But Paul could promise no such thing. He shot out a BEAM OF GENTLE LOVING at the dwarf!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
When Paul McCartney tires of his tantrum and calms down, he is aghast. He smacked his guitar against a suit of solid steel! As his mind clears, he is even more aghast. He rained giant frogs over the whole of southern Russia, causing minor wounds to tens of thousands of innocent people and frogs, including his comrades! Wracked with guilt, he fiddles with his knob and reverses, possibly, his guitar’s polarisation.
"Uh... sorry, boys, won't happen again,” he lies. “Promise!"
Fingers wrapped around his instrument, he strums out a melancholic minor chord, pointing it out directly at his new foe and shooting forth a beam of extremely gentle loving!
...It’s impossible to tell, through the full plate armour, if it’s had any effect at all, but Paul certainly feels quite content with himself.
Grab the backpack and MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the dwarf into the distance, stealing his backpack!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Nice trick. Don't mind if I take it!"
Davy Crockett tries to grab the dwarf’s backpack, hoping to use it for himself – but after several seconds of angry grappling ... he doesn’t even manage to tear off one of the straps! Obviously he is using the wrong limb; wrestling for a handbag is not dignified behaviour for a hero of Texas! No sir! Instead he must apply his MIGHTY MANLY TEXAS BOOT!
...Without so much as a run-up to give warning, Davy Crockett swiftly draws back his foot, applies it directly to where he guesses the typical dwarven gonad to be located, slips over backwards onto the floor, and sends the dwarf hurtling head first over his shoulders right into his comrade Steve Irwin!
The flying dwarf, desperately waving his arms about before him to cushion the blow smacks into Stevo with his flailing backpack, tearing the skin on the Aussie’s unfortunate arm!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Bleeding Right Arm!
Tantrum Acquired: Steve Irwin: Tantrum Alert!
“Oh, crikey mate!” suddenly shouts Stevo, “What the bejesus!” he adds, before turning to find Rasputin and strolling towards him with an air of menacing intent. Images of lizards and reptiles and scaly Russians flash dementedly before his eyes as he for some reason suddenly realises the decorations in his bedroom are considerably worse than those in his colleagues’ bedrooms; he leaps onto Rasputin, wrestling him to the ground! ...Luckily Rasputin keeps his calm, rolling the Australian aside without taking so much as a scratch and giving him a sharp slap around the cheeks to bring him back to his senses.
“Oh, thanks fella! Don’t know what came over me! Crikey! Strewth!”
Tantrum Finished: Steve Irwin: Tantrum Over!
Set up laser, Cast multiply this, and, if there's time left, fire at A dwarf.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes has calmed down and found a certain inner equanimity, having recovered from the shock of the slight scratch to his ear. Feeling rather sheepish about his ridiculous outburst, he sets down his 10 foot long array of mirrors at the ...perfect angle to catch the burning rays of midnight moonlight before turning to face his foe and ...considerably augmenting his terrifying powers!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
A dwarf has been gently loved! -2 to combat rolls for two turns! A dwarf has been taught mathematics! +1 to combat rolls for two turns!
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star Enemy: A Dwarf (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on June 20, 2012, 07:25:59 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 20, 2012, 07:41:27 am
Left arm followed by laser, and if possible, guns.
Post by: Toaster on June 20, 2012, 10:22:20 am
"Hey beardy, look at this!"
DOUBLEARMFACE the dwarf!
Post by: lawastooshort on June 22, 2012, 04:01:16 pm
Anyone want to offer suggestions for them? I will start writing the turn tomorrow if family duties permit.
Post by: freeformschooler on June 22, 2012, 04:02:04 pm
EDIT:
Paul McCartney decides to take action!
"What are we doing here, boys? We're just flailing around as the dwarf gets the best of us! Come on, time to fight!"
Paul McCartney takes out his CLAYBOARD, flies straight towards the dwarf's head and at the last moment hops off!
I get the feeling this will invariably end in me spending a turn re-gathering the clayboard or worse.
Post by: Chink on June 22, 2012, 10:58:27 pm
Post by: Caellath on June 22, 2012, 11:16:10 pm
Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!BEARD-ARM WRESTLING!
Post by: empfan on June 23, 2012, 12:01:20 am
Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!
Post by: lawastooshort on June 28, 2012, 02:55:04 am
TURN TWENTY SEVEN PART ONE
DOUBLEARMFACE the dwarf!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"What are we doing here, boys?” asks Paul McCartney. “We're just flailing around as the dwarf gets the best of us! Come on, time to fight!"
“You're right!” realises Davy Crockett, stirred by McCartney's rousing call to arms. Hmm... he thinks, arms...
"Hey beardy, look at this!"
Rushing up to the armoured doom machine, Davy Crockett pulls back the cat mask he'd almost forgotten he was wearing and thrusts his hideous facial wound right into the helmet's eye slots! ...At first nothing appears to happen, although a mild feeling of extreme nausea passes over Davy as he briefly catches a glimpse of his own grotesque arm configuration in the shining reflection of the masterwork helm; then, slowly, disturbing noises resound from the depths of the dwarf.
Like an ancient statue the dwarf stands still as he gurgles and retches, horrified at having finally seen the most repulsive thing in his long existence. Like an ancient warrior facing defeat, he longs for a noble death, rather than the shame of drowning in his own gut-spume. Like an ancient volcano, his vomit bursts forth, spraying violently out of the armour's neck joint as he desperately removes his helmet and flings it disgustedly to the floor!
The dwarf's vomit flows endlessly forth like vengeful lava from a long-dormant volcano, covering the once shiny armour with rivulets of scorching dwarven stomach acid; as he reaches the bottom of his retch-pit his convulsions become ever more violent, spraying spittles of repulsion back into his vile offender's face.
Davy Crockett lowers his facial vomit catmask protection unit. He steps back several feet. Exhausted by regurgitation, the dwarf collapses to the floor. Stinking stomach liquid drools out of the joins in his armour. An acrid stench floats over the battlefield.
Fire
Left arm followed by laser, and if possible, guns.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes is astounded. How could it be physically possible for one so small to vomit so profusely? He will never know until the day he accidentally catches sight of Crockett's hideous deformation in several chapters' time and even then he will probably not know, for he will be too occupied vomiting himself. Alas, for such are the vagaries of science! One asks a great question; one searches for an age; and then one vomits oneself senseless at the moment of triumphant climax! 'Tis a fate many men meet.
Without taking the time to think precisely about what he is doing, the pioneering scientist checks his solar laser array is ready.
It is.
He sets it to fire, and as it warms from the moon's fiery rays he aims his new arm at the vomit-stricken dwarf who is by now rising back to his feet. A strain of fearsome and intense concentration writes itself upon the Greek’s noble face: ...suddenly a stream of perfectly clean bandages shoots out of the strange watery arm, wrapping and wrapping around the dwarf like the spaghetti of a fevered madman!
“Noooo!” shouts Archimedes, “Not the bandages! Water! The dwarf is mortally afraid of water! Not bandages! Blast and confoundation!”
...Just as he manages to bring his arm under control, and just as a gap in the bandages mummifying the dwarf flashes a set of perfectly healed teeth, Archimedes’ moon-powered laser gun bursts into action, igniting the mass of dwarf-wrapping and, indeed, igniting the dwarf!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Burning!
Quote from: a dwarf
Use the backpack to smash Steve Irwin's remaining arm off.
☺
The dwarf is too busy vomiting to be distracted by mere fire! He charges single-mindedly towards Steve Irwin, ferociously wielding his backpack two-handed as he ...dashes straight past the deadly Australian!
Wrestle the Dwarf again!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Taking advantage of his opponent’s starting to whistle a gentle melody as he runs straight past him, Stevo sticks out a foot, knocks the burning dwarf to the ground, and jumps on top with his wrestling face on!
...Stevo grunts and gurns as the fiery dwarf resists, but suddenly there’s a horrible snap! Stevo’s broken the dwarf’s right arm !
As he rises to his feet in triumph, Steve Irwin realises he is now on fire too!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Broken Right Arm!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Burning!
Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
The dwarf stumbles about in a daze, trailing cinders and burning bandages behind him. Rasputin knows just what to do in the face of such a dangerous fire hazard. Sprinting across the battlefield chin-first, Rasputin’s beard quivers with anticipation, rising almost vertically into the air as he closes with his unrepentant beard-rival.
“Hail!” bellows the beard, “I hereby challenge you to a contest of Mighty Beardery! May the best beard win!”
The dwarven beard manages to restrain his host and stop him stumbling about in blazing circles.
“Hail, fellow beard!” he answers, in the bearden tongue, “I accept yon challenge of noble combat. I shall defeat you beardo-a-beardo and thereby re-establish my rightful supremacy! Prepare to die!”
Spoiler: Rasputin's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Dwarf's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
Round One
Round One. The beards approach each other guardedly; the dwarven beard wary of the Russian’s superior technique, the Russian beard wary of the dwarf’s superior burningness. They circle. The dwarf takes two steps forward. The Russian sidesteps to the left. There is a blinding flash and ...the dwarven beard lashes out! Blood pours down the Russian beard’s beard! Round One to the dwarven beard!
Spoiler: Rasputin's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Dwarf's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
Round Two
Round Two. The Russian beard gets up defiantly from his corner to stand up to the now confident dwarven beard. But no! ...The dwarven beard is not confident, but rash! He leaps forward, tip first, but the Russian beard blocks the blow, catching the curly hairs in his own chin-jungle before returning the strike with doubled ferocity! The dwarven beard staggers back to his corner with a terrible bruise across his beard! Round Two to the Russian beard!
Spoiler: Rasputin's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Dwarf's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
Round Three
Round Three. As his trainer towels him down in the blue corner, Rasputin’s beard suddenly realises he’s caught fire after getting too close to the burning dwarf! ...Wailing with terror and pain he flies through the air into the dwarven corner, jumping onto the beard and smashing down upon his helpless beardy features with all his beardy might. The dwarven beard catches the blow and traps the Russian in a tremendous beard-hug and suddenly the two flaming beards are rolling about erotically in the dusty rubble of Speedograd! First they roll to the left: the bowienauts back off to avoid the flaming bundle of beard-death! Then they roll to the right, and crash straight into the stadium the dwarf was once protecting! The terrible impact of burning but still mighty beard smashes right through the concrete walls of the great tall building, and suddenly it tumbles to the ground in a huge explosion of dust and rubble and flame and beard hair!
Spoiler: Rasputin's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The Dwarf's Beard Status: (click to show/hide)
The furious turning ball of flame and beard storms off towards the west as the stadium collapses to the ground. After a few seconds the dust begins to settle. A few blocks of concrete move about and roll aside as a naked dwarven head pokes its way through the ruins.
Wound Acquired: Rasputin: Severed Beard!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severed Beard!
Paul McCartney takes out his CLAYBOARD, flies straight towards the dwarf's head and at the last moment hops off!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Paul McCartney is no stranger to naked dwarven heads but, as he used to tell a disappointed Ringo, it’s a long story. Instead of recounting it, he pulls out his Clayboard and jumps on, flying it straight towards the dwarf’s naked, vomit-smeared, burning and beardless head!
The dwarf, still-vomiting head alone poking out of the forty foot pile of rubble like a stomach juice spurting decorative fountain, hears a whish of air and a whoosh of flying Beatle. He just has the time to turn, and just has the time to wonder what a Beatle is doing flying towards him. ...McCartney leaps off onto the mountain of rubble, and his Clayboard flies straight towards the dwarf’s head. It pierces right through! It smashes the skull! It severs the brain! It tears the tendons in the brain! It bruises the ligaments in the skull! It breaks the face! It fractures the ears!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Pierced Head!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Heavy Bleeding!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Smashed Skull!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severe Bleeding!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severed Brain!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Very Heavy Bleeding!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Torn Brain Tendon!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Very Heavy Bleeding!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Bruised Skull Ligaments!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Broken Face!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severe Bleeding!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Fractured Ears!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Light Bleeding!
To the west, the sound of collapsing buildings makes itself heard across the blood-stained battlefield.
The dwarf is dead.
Post by: lawastooshort on June 28, 2012, 02:57:06 am
TURN TWENTY SEVEN PART TWO
As the four bowienauts scrabble about in the rubble to free the emasculated Rasputin, they hear the deep thud of the approaching bowiecopter skimming low over the roof tops, minigun bullets whirring out of either side like holy symphonies of good honest freedom.
“There’s Marcos Aurelius, lads!” cries Paul, “Come on, let’s dig Rasputin out of there and then get to safety! I’m pretty sure that nothing unexpected will happen to get between us and freedom!”
Just then the Magnificent Timelord speaks directly into his footsoldiers’ brains.
“Well done, dudes. Good work. ROBOSTALIN is dead, SPEEDOSTALIN has fallen: you’ve increased the average freedom of several billion people by a significant degree! I bet you already feel considerably more powerful than you did before breakfast this morning, but you’re going to have to get back to base and rest before finally feeling the full effects. Marcos is coming in to pick you up, now, you’ve got to be quick, our scans detected some kind of terrible doomsday weapon in the area, but it appears to be heading west directly away from you. Come on, get to the extraction point!”
The bowiecopter shoots gently through the atmosphere towards the Timelord’s orbital space pod, the rear of the cabin a mix of thousand yard stares, bleeding limbs and burning bodies.
(http://unitedreggae.com/userfiles/image/upload/ranking-joe-02.jpg)
“Mon,” says Ranking Joe, the co-pilot, turning towards the bowienauts with a funny cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. “You need to put out the fire before it’s armageddon time back there, hear me now?” He hands Steve Irwin a fire extinguisher. “Just be spraying that all over ya face and ya’ll be all right now. Come on my brothers, let’s fast forward to Afr- uh the space pod, ya know what I’m saying? There’s a world in trouble! Check it out!”
Stevo sprays it all over his face and feels all right now.
“Now, the Timelord asked me to tell you, he thinks you might be feeling a bit like a natty superstar, all full of power and that, and you might not be sure what kind of power you be feeling. He said to have a good think on the way back up to the pod, ‘cause there ain’t gonna be no time to lose. I still don’t quite get exactly what he meant but the Timelord says you have …”
…TOTALLY GOT TO CHOOSE YOUR NEXT LEVEL UP!
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter: Available Skill Increases! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier: Available Skill Increases! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle: Available Skill Increases! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse: Available Skill Increases! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, The Black Monk (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star Enemy: A Dwarf; DECEASED (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on June 28, 2012, 05:39:22 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 28, 2012, 05:48:40 am
Post by: freeformschooler on June 28, 2012, 07:12:08 am
Post by: Toaster on June 28, 2012, 07:59:47 am
Can I combo it with the Boot?
Post by: Talarion on June 28, 2012, 08:54:43 am
Kick two people at once, using the Boot, and then have those two free ranged attacks hit TWO PEOPLE EACH! That's six kills there, people, yes SIX! (With one Boot!)
Post by: Toaster on June 28, 2012, 12:30:15 pm
Coming soon in episode III: Bowling with Nazis!
Post by: empfan on June 28, 2012, 02:43:11 pm
Shouts his goodbyes, then chases after his Beard
Post by: Talarion on June 28, 2012, 05:34:52 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on June 28, 2012, 06:00:21 pm
Post by: Toaster on June 28, 2012, 07:07:01 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on June 29, 2012, 08:29:38 am
SHORT INTERLUDE
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
“Jesus, man,” blasphemes Paul McCartney as he looks down upon the mangled face of his erstwhile companion. “Your beard, dude. Shit. I’m sorry, man.”
Rasputin is lying stretched out on a long white table, his face pale, his chin cold, his eyes fair and blank with a heavy anaesthetic. A curious surgical frame stands a few feet from his head. Dozens of figures in gowns and facemasks surround him. A harsh light shines down on the Russian mystic as he reaches out a feeble hand to take McCartney’s.
(http://tnypic.net/b3341.png)
“I know. We had been together forever. We had never been apart! But the Timelord is taking care of me… He has promised me a new beard… He has promised to stand guard over me in my time of weakness…”
“We’re uh… we’re going to need another shot of drugs, Professor Halsted!” gasps an astonished medical student. “He’s just not going under!”
As David Bowie’s personal anaesthetist scurries over to put Rasputin to sleep, the Professor stops by his patient’s bed.
“Don’t you worry about a thing, my good man! You won’t feel even the tiniest prick! This is a very complicated procedure, so I’m putting my best student on the job! He’s watched me perform dozens of beard transplants, and as long as we finish before his drugs wear off then his shakes should stay under control! Mostly!”
Rasputin’s dozy eyes turn to the Professor, one eyebrow arched.
“Haha! No! Really! I’m joking. The Magnificent Timelord instructed me to take personal command of this operation – you must be a great hero. This is only the second time he has let someone have the Robobeard 12000 implanted! It is the height of bio-engineered beard technology, and staunchly anti-communist!”
A smile creeps across Rasputin’s face; he drifts off into unconsciousness.
Someone in a gown and facemask shoos the bowienauts out of the room as Professor Halsted lowers the surgical frame and bionic beard over Rasputin’s face.
“Come on chaps. You need to get down to the infirmary to get your… less serious wounds seen to. Down the corridor, first on the left.”
… … … … … …
“Perhaps,” intones the Magnificent Timelord the next day, “We should say a few words.”
The four vaguely repaired bowienauts stand with Bowie in a loose semicircle around a coffin whose every inch is covered with glittering sequins. Motifs of lightning hang down the sides; it is impeccably clean, as its occupant would have wanted. A weeping polar bear stands at one end of group.
“Although, you know, he’s not really dead. Just… kind of… drained of life. By the Holy White Speedo of Lumithos. After becoming a Scot. Anyway. Dear Nikola; you were a scientist of good. A scientist for good. And that thing with the lightning was totally awesome. You died a hero, trapped in the virtueless forest of Connery’s chest hair, fighting the unending fight against evil and totalitarianism. Touched by the White Speedo, you may have thought that the heavenly afterlife was upon you. Alas! For you were right, dude. You are gone. We will always remember you. We will continue the fight.”
David Bowie turns away from the coffin and towards the assembled heroes.
“Tesla has fallen! He died a hero to all of humanity. If ever we need him, if ever the bowieverse is in mortal danger, or simply just out of electricity, then by the power of my ever-living sequins he shall return! And you, Mr Frost: you shall be by my side waiting for him!”
Bowie gives the polar bear a tender rub under the chin; the polar bear hums with a melancholy pleasure and gently nuzzles the timelord’s thigh.
… … … … … …
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
“Nice ear dude!”
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Yeah, crikey! I can hear all sorts of things now, fella – I could hear a dingo licking its balls from a thousand feet away, as my uncle used to say! Say, that’s a pretty nice arm you got yourself there, mate!”
“Well, yes, I suppose it is, Steve. I was a bit upset at first that they didn’t fit another turret of some sort, but this here regular American arm sure is pretty good for tying my boot. Can’t say that about the damned Nazi contraption on the other side, eh!”
The two outdoorsmen continue their small talk as the bowienauts follow the Timelord and Tesla’s storage coffin to the cryogenic chambers. The Magnificent Timelord turns to face the bowienauts over his shoulder, and starts speaking as he walks.
“It’s good that you’ve had a couple of days to rest up, chaps, there’s gonna be no time to lose for your next heroic mission! I’ve had our scientists scanning through the historical multiverses pretty hard, and you know what? They reckon taking out dinoHITLER in combat, man to dino-enhanced man, is likely to be pretty deadly. So, well, to cut a long and drug-addled story short, I realised – why don’t we just kill his mum? Now, there’s been some kind of minor breach in the space-time which, although dangerous and under investigation by our scientists, is gonna enable us to slip you in all stealthy and get you back in time without anyone bad noticing.”
David Bowie stops talking for an instant to mindswipe the secure doors in front of him. He steps through into the cryogenics antechamber.
“Now, once we get Nikolas safe and sound in his freezer we’re going to get you on your way. Davy, I noticed you are wearing one of the Four Artefacts of Good? Yea, for you are truly blessed, man. You have discovered a great and holy item – a Speedo that can, if used correctly, bring a man back from the brink of death itself! One of the highest powers of healing known on Earth! I’ll see if one of my scientists can’t give you a briefing before you g-arrrgggrggghhhgh!”
Suddenly the Magnificent Timelord falls to his knees, hands clasping his head and a pained expression carved into his lovely features.
… … … … … …
The next few seconds are a blur of activity. A handful of gowned and masked figures, similar to those attending in the surgical bay, rush in from various hidden and electrically operated sliding doors, dashing to the Timelord’s side. A time-scientist bursts in from another hidden door.
“Oh God Jesus oh God no oh!” cries the time-scientist. “What the hell’s going on dudes? The Timelord’s time-control is slipping, man!” He sees Bowie on his knees in pain and unable to move or speak. “Oh shit!”
One of the medical personnel speaks.
“Oh shit dudes, he’s having a time-migraine! We need his pills, stat!”
The time-scientist consults his wrist-mounted time-display.
“Oh, come on, man, we’re losing it! The minor space-time breach is growing! I’ve no idea how this is happening… Get those drugs into him!”
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”No!” interrupts Archimedes. “Screw the pills, they won’t work quick enough! Get out the injections, man! Trust me, I’m a qualified doctor now! Get the drugs!”
“Grnnnghhgnrr…”
Suddenly, as two of the medics drag David Bowie to his feet and another runs off to search for the Timelord’s emergency drug kit, a shimmering rift in reality appears right before the shocked bowienaut heroes, an awful gash in the guts of time itself, a leaking split in the fabrics of the many multiverses.
A vaguely familiar looking figure materialises in the centre of the cryogenic antechamber. Something unidentifiable but unignorable about him seems terribly and hideously wrong.
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
“It is not!” the newcomer starts, “The living who count; not the living man, whether strong or stumbler, not the doer of deeds. The credit belongs to the man who is actually dead! Whose face is marred by rotting putrescence and dust and death; yet who continues to strive valiantly; who in life erred, and who in death continues to err, and yea! For there is no undead without a raiser of the undead; without someone to actually strive to do the deeds; who shows great enthusiasm, great devotion; who knows the triumph of high achievement; who tracks down the Timelord for the greatest corpses that have lived! And who shall give them life again! Yea, for I have come for your corpses!”
”Oh shit, no!” screams a terrified nurse, rushing about with some pills. ”He’s come for the Timelord’s corpse! Help! Get him out of here!”
As the nurse smashes an alarm switch the President laughs.
“Ahahahaha! No, you foolish boy! It is your corpse for which I have come! Ahahahahah! Take this!”
The necromancer stares at the nurse with great intensity; suddenly there is a blinding flash, the flesh boils away from his bones, and the nurse drops dead to the floor.
The evil President laughs again as the dark gods raise the nurse back to unlife.
”Quick!” wails the time-scientist as a nurse rushes back in carrying Bowie’s emergency drug kit. ”The growing minor space-time breach seems to be giving him the power to vaporise the flesh from our bones! We must inject the Timelord to stop this ungodly power! We must protect the Magnificent Timelord!”
Temporary Ability Acquired: Roosevelt: Flesh Vaporiser
“Ahahahaha!”
INTRODUCING: THE EVIL PERVERTER OF CORPSES: THEODERM ROOSEVELT!
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Dermonster on June 29, 2012, 08:59:51 am
Post by: freeformschooler on June 29, 2012, 11:27:26 am
Paul McCartney, who should have learned better by now, flashes his HORRIBLE SPEEDOGUTS at Theoderm Roosevelt!
Post by: Toaster on June 30, 2012, 04:11:45 pm
Help out Bowie!
Post by: Talarion on July 01, 2012, 08:29:02 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on July 02, 2012, 03:49:44 am
((No wait, scratch that last one. Do multiply this instead, and if possible set up the Solar laser Array to))
Post by: lawastooshort on July 03, 2012, 07:03:52 am
SHORT INTERLUDE PART TWO
Flesh Vaporate the nurse with the drugs, and punch the ever loving hell out of Archimedes.
My Nurse Minion shall go after McCartney's legs.
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
“Hahaha!” shouts Roosevelt in a piece of dialogue Shakespeare could only dream of writing as he turns to face the nurse running towards David Bowie and clutching the drugs. ...Rays of angry death shoot out of the evil President’s eyes, vaporatorising the living flesh from the poor nurse’s legs before moving up and flaying his torso and head.
Still running, the nurse-corpse tumbles forwards and hits the ground, burnt-clean bones scattering apart on impact and then scuttling along the floor towards each other as they reform. This second nurse minion rises in time to see its first brother-in-unlife drag itself across the floor in the direction of Paul McCartney, greedily eying the Beatle’s remaining leg.
...Alas for Paul McCartney! For he is too busy getting naked to notice the approaching corpse, and the first thing he knows of its hideous assault is the horrible feeling of his leg snapping between undead teeth! Still struggling with his clothes, the Last Beatle tumbles backwards to the floor!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Broken Right Leg!
“Hahahahaha!” Roosevelt adds, directing his portly figure towards the man in a dress. “I hereby declare you deserve a fair deal… in the face!”
He aims a staggeringly powerful blow to Archimedes’s annoyingly philosophical jaw, ...but his own superhuman fist-power surprises him and he misses and stumbles past the Greek, into the open space behind!
Undead Nurse Minion One: Gnawing on McCartney’s leg. Healthy.
Undead Nurse Minion Two: Rising to live again. Healthy.
Sound the alarms, close the painfully slow blast doors, and open the Airlock.
((No wait, scratch that last one. Do multiply this instead, and if possible set up the Solar laser Array to))
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes dodges the necromantic president’s fearsome blow and dashes over to sound the alarms, ...hitting the button several times with no effect until he realises the alarms are already sounding!
“Blast!” he murmurs quietly in his rage, deciding to take out his frustration with some good hard maths. “X!” he shouts to his comrades, “And q!” he adds, before finishing off, “Squared!!”
...The bowienauts feel themselves filled with the power of mathematics and, flushed with mathematical joy, Archimedes decides to whip out his solar laser. ...But instead he gets his hand stuck in his pocket!
Stevo dives to assist Davy in helping Bowie!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...Archimedes probably got his hand stuck due to being distracted by the awesomeness of what he beholds: Steve Irwin flying across the antechamber in a desperate attempt to somehow help Davy Crockett! He’s not quite sure what to help him with though, and, as he stops to think, he suddenly falls out of the air and lands with a dull thud! On the corpse of nurse minion number two! Faster than you could write “whoops, it’s free attack time” the skeletal corpse tries to chew on Steve Irwin’s last remaining natural ear, ...but instead gets his teeth entangled in the Australian’s lovely floppy hair!
Paul McCartney, who should have learned better by now, flashes his HORRIBLE SPEEDOGUTS at Theoderm Roosevelt!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Teddy Necromantic Roosevelt?” realises Paul McCartney. “How horrifying! Wait, I have just the trick!"
...Paul McCartney starts getting naked in front of the President, suggestively shaking his hips and flinging his clothes off one by one into the corners of the room. As soon as his youthful body is revealed to all, he leaps forward and thrusts his Speedo-enhanced guts at Roosevelt! Barely noticing the dead nurse chewing on his only leg, his eyes are slowly transfixed by the President’s splendid glasses… and the delightful reflection of his own SPEEDOGUTS in them! It’s like… raw naked guts… mixed with raw Speedo covered groin! But worse! Without so much as a warning babysick in his mouth, McCartney’s body takes over in reaction to this horrifying spectacle: he vomits forth a torrent of bile and breakfast into Roosevelt’s face!
Struck full in the face by the musician’s lumpy digestive juice, Roosevelt in turn is repulsed to the point of physical sickness! The floor turns slick with a vile smelling necromantic intestinal smoothie as the great man sinks to his knees. He wipes McCartney’s sick off his glasses with the back of his sleeve just in time to personally witness another burst of his own regurgitation. It dribbles down the front of his waistcoat and forms a neat little pool in his lap.
Status Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Vomiting!
McCartney, in fact, vomits with such force that he is thrown several feet backwards, free of the gnawing and bone-breaking clasp of nurse minion number one and free of the disgusting reflected sight of his own SPEEDOGUTS. But he can’t stop being sick! The memory is all too much and all too recent; he lands flat on his back a few feet from Roosevelt, and continues to pour out a fountain of foul gut-liquid.
Lying on his back, he finds himself caught fully in the field of fire of the horror-sick as it falls back down towards him. He rolls desperately out of the way as it covers his face, crushing his broken leg beneath him and writhing in naked pain on the vomit smeared floor.
As he flails semi-blindly about, he comes face to face with his unwitting third victim: the nurse who had been feeding on his leg is still crawling relentlessly towards him, obeying his overlord’s command. It comes face to face with a burst of retch-juice so foully powerful it is blasted two dozen feet backwards, bones shattering into bits on the back wall of the cryogenic antechamber.
Status Acquired: Paul McCartney: Vomiting!
Undead Nurse Minion One: Being vomit-propulsed into the wall. Half-smashed; -1 penalty to all actions.
Help out Bowie!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
“Oh God no!” cries Davy Crockett as he sees Stevo fly across the room. “Stevooooooo-oh God no!” he adds as he sees vomit and a skeleton join Stevo in wondrous flight. “Come on men, we must protect the Timelord!” he shouts to his companions. “We need to get those drugs into him! Ooh, what does this button do?” he wonders, eying a big red button with “Timelord Emergency Protection Activation” engraved upon it.
...Just then he notices a trickle of stomach ejection flowing steadily towards him and his friend Boone and jumps backwards in surprised disgust, but he slips on the very same sick as he does so, collapsing forwards and smashing the big red button with his face!
He gets to his feet to see a large hole opening in the side of the antechamber’s walls. Doors whizz open left and right to reveal a long wide tube that slowly pokes out into the room several metres above the floor and a high pitched yet still manly “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” can be heard approaching.
Just as the tube reaches the middle of the room, where Theoderm Roosevelt so recently stood, a heavily bronzed man in a great deal of leather and carrying a hefty shield falls out of it and lands on his feet.
He turns towards Davy Crockett, standing next to the emergency button.
“You rang, milord?”
Suddenly he notices the sturdy frame of the evil President dominating the room amidst a sea of gastro-soup.
“Aha!” shouts King Leonidas, quickly grasping seriousness of the situation. “You want our Timelord?! Come and take him!”
INTRODUCING: THE DEFENDER OF THE WEST: LEONIDAS, KING OF THE SPARTANS!
(http://th03.deviantart.net/fs17/PRE/f/2007/129/2/2/King_Leonidas___Gerard_Butler_by_pudgethefish.jpg)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
+1 Maths combat bonus for two turns.
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on July 03, 2012, 07:52:39 am
Charge and stab/bite NecroTR!
Post by: Yoink on July 03, 2012, 08:31:21 am
You sir are a true master of writing gut wrenching puke-battle scenes. Whether that is a compliment or not I've no idea. :P))
Post by: Toaster on July 03, 2012, 08:34:28 am
Post by: Talarion on July 03, 2012, 09:24:26 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on July 03, 2012, 11:22:59 am
*Healing kills the undead right (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ReviveKillsZombie)
** With a +2 bonus, there's no way that can go wrong, right
Post by: monk12 on July 03, 2012, 12:08:35 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on July 04, 2012, 12:19:02 pm
Paul points his guitar at Theoderm Roosevelt!
"...The power of love?"
He strums a gentle chord!
"Here comes the sun, boys!"
Post by: monk12 on July 04, 2012, 09:09:10 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on July 05, 2012, 10:55:01 am
SHORT INTERLUDE PART THREE
King Leonidas I of Sparta, King of the Spartans, son of Anaxandridas II, descendant of Heracles and Defender of the West adds David Bowie to his inventory for safekeeping, then attacks the zombie nurse holding the Emergency Timelord Drugs!
Unless the drugs are just lying on the ground, in which case, y'know, pick them up or something. What do I look like, a doctor?
(http://th03.deviantart.net/fs17/PRE/f/2007/129/2/2/King_Leonidas___Gerard_Butler_by_pudgethefish.jpg)
"King,” shouts Davy Crockett, preparing to attack just out of shot. ”Cover Bowie while we take this man out! Boone, let's go!"
”Righty-ho!” bellows King Leonidas. ”For Sparta!” he adds, a bit more in character, before dashing over to Davie Bowie, slinging him over his back into his inventory, and ...completely missing his custom-made Timelord-quiver. Bowie slumps headfirst in a heap on the floor behind him, still clutching his temples as the Spartan hero charges into the melee.
Spotting the drugs under the foot of a passing undead nurse, ...Leonidas just manages to barge the evil minion out of the way before its foot comes down to stomp them. As the skeletal nurse gets back to his feet Leonidas smashes it right in the chest with his shield! ...A couple of ribs fly out, pinging hollowly off the floor of the antechamber. The skeleton looks slightly more vulnerable! And his arm seems to be on the floor!
Nurse Minion 2: Damaged Ribs! Slightly More Vulnerable!
Nurse Minion 2: Severed Arm!
Vaporate the nurse to the right. They're all skellies.
LET THERE BE FIRE!
First Skellie goes after Mc Cartmeys ugly head meats.
Second stomps on all drugs within reach, then challenges Leonidas to an extreme dinner in the other room.
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
Seeing his nurse minion get smashed with an ancient Greek shield puts Theoderm Roosevelt in quite a bad mood. ...Vomiting as he does so, he turns to his right, deathrays shooting out of his eyes and retch-juice out of his mouth, vaporificating the flesh from the nearest nurse’s bones and dropping him to the floor, from whence it immediately rises as a despondent looking skeleton. But yea! ...For the President is not done with shooting fiery death from his orifices and, aiming his nose towards the clearly and treacherously not-American-enough Davy Crockett, he unleashes an inferno of terrible blue white and red flame from his nostrils!
...But no! For Davy Crockett is too American not to dodge the wrath of the President, only thinking briefly of leaving for Texas before deciding instead to take his patriotic punishment like a man. An American man! The flames envelope him, setting his hair on fire and burning his leg off! He topples over to the left with a heavy clunk as his arm turret hits the floor, a smouldering barbecue stump the only proof that he, like all good Americans should (unless they lost it in the Nam), once had a left leg.
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Burning Hair!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severed Left Leg!
Next to Davy, Steve Irwin ...leaps out of the way, spinning through the air as he escapes the Presidential Nostril Napalm Blast and landing deftly on his feet, poised and ready to seek vengeance for his comrade’s limb.
...The less nimble Archimedes simply raises his right foot, deflecting the fiery blast with his ancient Greek sandal and sending a bouncing ball of flame shooting back across the room towards the skeletal nurse chasing down the broken-legged and crawling McCartney. Nurse minion number 1 explodes in a ball of flame and bone!
Wound Acquired: Nurse Minion One: Exploded into a Ball of Flame!
A flaming shard of ex-skeleton flies towards ...Davy Crockett, hitting him in the right leg, lightly bruising it!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Lightly Bruised Right Leg!
As the dust settles, Nurse Minion 2, locked in a battle to the death or second death with King Leonidas, smacks the noble Greek in the face, causing blood to pour heavily out of his nose. He then opens his necromantically powered mouth to utter a few mumbled yet terrible words.
”You and me. Outside. I bet you can’t eat as much as me!”
CHALLENGE ISSUED: UNDEAD NURSE MINION TWO CHALLENGES KING LEONIDAS TO AN EXTREME EAT-OFF. OUTSIDE.
Wound Acquired: King Leonidas: Bleeding Nose!
Fire the medical water arm at Nurse 2*, Set up the laser (again), and patch-up Mccartney's leg**.
*Healing kills the undead right (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ReviveKillsZombie)
** With a +2 bonus, there's no way that can go wrong, right
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Flushed with success at destroying one undead nurse with his fireball-reflecting sandal, Archimedes decides to destroy another with the power of water-elemental-based bandage-projectile healing arms! ...But when he points and shoots, nothing comes out except a lonely click.
With a shrug, Archimedes looks down the barrel of his arm and decides instead to set up his moon laser. ...Carefully pulling it out of his pockets, he plants it on the floor, angled towards the nearest bright light to capture the soon-to-be deadly energy. This done, he ambles casually over to Paul McCartney, still writhing on the blood- and vomit-smeared floor in naked pain.
“Now, what seems to be the problem here then?”
“My leg, damn it Archimedes! You just bloody saw! A dead nurse just chewed right through my leg bone!”
“Really, really. Very interesting. Nurse! Get me this patient’s charts, will you? They don’t seem to be here.”
“Arrrg!"
“Really. I see. Right. Yes. Very interesting. Right. Well, what we’re going to do, you see, is a rather complicated procedure. Don’t worry, you’re in very capable hands. Now, you might feel a little stinging, but I’m going to cover your leg in bandages and hope for the best and see you again in six weeks. Ha! No! Actually I’m not, but this might hurt. Brace yourself, old chap!”
...Archimedes looks about in his doctor’s bag for a minute, raises a satisfied eyebrow as he nods to himself, pulls out a hammer, and smashes McCartney in the face. Then, whilst the Beatle is unconscious, he carefully cleans the gaping leg wound before straightening the bone, ramming it together as hard as he can, and then covering the entire leg in a quick setting plaster.
“Good as new, eh!” he comments as McCartney groggily wakes up.
He strums a gentle chord!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Paul McCartney staggers to his feet on his newly repaired leg, naked and smeared in vomit but at least no longer broken and bleeding. He gathers up his guitar and speaks.
"Sure, Teddy, you can raise the dead. And unbridled hatred's fine and all. But can you withstand..."
He dramatically pauses as he points his guitar at the evil President. He readies his left hand and raises his right.
"...The power of love?"
...As his right hand comes down, a blast of pure love streams out of his instrument towards Presiderm Roosevelt who …tries to duck out the way but only manages to get struck full in the face!
"Here comes the sun, boys!"
Suddenly the President of the Necromantic States of America feels full of gentle love!
Penalty Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Full of Gentle Love!
Wrestle The President, Theoderm Rooselvelt into submission! VIA FLYING EMU TAKEDOWN TACKLE OF MANLINESS! And possibly attack him with my right ear while I do so.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Bouncing on his manly feet, Steve Irwin is ready. ...He leaps elbows first through the air like a mildly demented flying emu, knocking Roosevelt to the floor before twisting his head a little and ...smacking him repeatedly in the thigh with his bionic ear! Blood starting seeping through the Presidential trousers as Stevo keeps wrestling him into submission! ...A sharp knee to the groin seems to do the trick!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Heavy Thigh Bleeding!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Severely Bruised Groin!
Charge and stab/bite NecroTR!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Whilst Roosevelt is on the floor, the burning Davy Crockett decides to take advantage. He hops forward on his remaining leg, hoping that Boone will open the attack with his monstrous jaws. ...But Boone is distracted by a nearby bone! He starts chewing and immediately stops hopping a yard in front of the President, causing Davy to fall forward, deadly Bowie knife outstretched in front of him.
...The blade plunges forward, totally severing Roosevelt’s guts! From the floor comes a gentle sound of smacking crocodile lips as Boone starts a third breakfast.
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Severed Guts!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
+1 Maths combat bonus for one turn.
-2 Gentle Love penalty to Roosevelt’s combat rolls for two turns.
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Davy Crockett!!, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on July 05, 2012, 11:20:02 am
Oh, and Bionic Ear Molestation commence.
Post by: Toaster on July 05, 2012, 11:24:06 am
Extinguish the head flames by headbutting NecroTR in the chest. Boone should snack on him more as well.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on July 05, 2012, 12:01:27 pm
Fire the laser at Nurse 3, elemental mathematics (Living nurses +water -fire) to crygenically preserve them, grab Bowie and retreat with my fellow greek to the next room.
Oh,grab. The drugs aswell, if I havee time
Post by: monk12 on July 05, 2012, 10:03:23 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on July 07, 2012, 02:11:06 pm
Paul McCartney lets Theoderm Roosevelt hear some of that rock and roll music!
"Just let me hear some of that rock and roll music
Any old way you choose it
Its got a back beat, you cant lose it,
Any old time you use it
Its gotta be rock roll music
If you wanna fight with me
If you wanna fight with me!"
As he sung, he ran at Roosevelt with the grace of a hippie floating through hallucinogenic clouds! He slashed at Theoderm's head with his Clayboard!
Post by: lawastooshort on July 13, 2012, 05:16:30 am
Post by: Talarion on July 13, 2012, 05:30:14 am
Post by: lawastooshort on July 24, 2012, 05:21:26 am
SHORT INTERLUDE PART FOUR
Vaporate the far left nurse, then Abominize it and the remnants of the exploded nurse. (If I can't do that, just use NM3)
NM2 will presumably go on an infinite eat loop with the spartan.
If possible, haymaker to the face of Steve Irwin and move east a bit.
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
Roosevelt hasn’t been so angry since 1912: his poor nurse minion is scattered in tiny parts all over the room!
...Staring with his deadly gaze of lustful vaporification, he blasts the furthest nurse to smithereens with his eyes, laughing with satisfaction as the poor chap’s flesh melts to the floor. Without the slightest warning the terrible rays of his gaze reflect off the recently polished walls of the antechamber and vaporise the nurse to the east! His bones boil and his flesh grows putrid with horrifying warts the size of melons! Tearing straight through the unfortunate victim, the Roosevelt-rays travel towards the wall, bounce off their lovely shiny surface, and head right for the final nurse!
The nurse’s skin flakes off and his blood evaporates into the air! His internal organs slip out the back and fall to the floor!
“Heeheehee!” Theoderm says, with a slight trace of pleasure. “Abominification Commence!”
...The President starts to grunt wildly and raise his arms in the air; suddenly the variously mutilated corpses of the four nurses slide across the floor from their starting places and, gathering speed, creep to the feet of Roosevelt like an obedient eel-puppy. There’s a blinding flash; a sickening smell; a puff of vomit-coloured smoke.
The smoke wafts gently across the room and as it clears Roosevelt’s greatest creation so far this week becomes visible to all, towering above the room’s other occupants, its limbs uncountable to all but the most mathematically-inclined.
“Arrrgg!” screams Paul McCartney. “A Multi-Armed Skeletal-Nurse Melon-Wart Death-Spider! Bugger!”
Decidedly pleased with this turn of events, ...Roosevelt gives Irwin a gentle tap on the cheek before ambling slightly eastwards to get a better view of his new pet.
Minion Acquired: Multi-Armed Skeletal-Nurse Melon-Wart Death-Spider!
tldr; Alter the deal, pray I do not alter it further. Hopefully this doesn't mean I'm losing to Boone already.
(http://th03.deviantart.net/fs17/PRE/f/2007/129/2/2/King_Leonidas___Gerard_Butler_by_pudgethefish.jpg)
"EXTREME EATERY” proclaims King Leonidas, his interest, like any man’s man’s would be, piqued by the thought of eating until violently sick, “Is the BASIS of SPARTAN LAW. And BY SPARTAN LAW, it is the right of the CHALLENGED party to set the TERMS of the CONTEST.”
"Oh, balls,” thinks Roosevelt.
”YOU,” continues King Leonidas, dramatically pausing.
”ME,” he pauses again, seemingly unable to get his words out any faster and almost drowning in the tempestuous drama of his gravelly utterings.
”RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.”
The King seems to sigh with relief as he finally gets it out, only to grimace once more with concentration and abdominal straining.
”The warrior who eats the MOST NECROMANCER shall be known as the manliest, while the warrior who eats the least shall be shamed forevermore! LET THE BUFFET BEGIN!"
"Oh, cock,” realises the President, edging ever so slightly away from the rest of the room's occupants.
Fire the laser at Nurse 3, elemental mathematics (Living nurses +water -fire) to cryogenically preserve them, grab Bowie and retreat with my fellow Greek to the next room.
Oh,grab. The drugs aswell, if I havee time
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...Meanwhile, as the evil President tries to slip away from his grisly fate, Archimedes is rapt with spasms of joy, so overwhelmed with emotion at the masterful display of Grecian rhetoric he has just witnessed that he rips off his dress and dives head first onto the filthy wet floor. Frolicking nakedly like an Alpine pony in the sunswept meadows of a late August afternoon, he rolls this way and that about the repulsive room, involuntarily rubbing himself from head to toe before ...knocking over his mirrors. Rising suddenly to his feet, the once serious philosopher laughs knowingly to himself as he ...tries to recount an old favourite maths joke before stumbling over to the glittering Timelord and retching violently all over his sequinned Timejacket.
“...and you know what?!” he punchlines. “The whole time it was a two SQUARED! Ohohohohoho!”
He falls back to the floor where he flails about in the indescribable filth.
As he sung, he ran at Roosevelt with the grace of a hippie floating through hallucinogenic clouds! He slashed at Theoderm's head with his Clayboard!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
“Oh, shit man!” cries Paul McCartney. “Roosevelt's getting away while we stare at this multi-limbed spider-fiend! Shit!”
He quickly thinks through his past songs to which one would be appropriate for such an encounter. Yellow Submarine? No. Mister Postman? No. He needs one with more violence. A song... suitable for taking down a President. Revolver? No. Hmm... Wait, he had it!
Paul McCartney will let Theoderm Roosevelt hear some of that rock and roll music!
"Just let me hear some of that rock and roll music
Any old way you choose it
It’s got a back beat, you can't lose it,
Any old time you use it
It’s gotta be rock roll music
If you wanna fight with me
If you wanna fight with me!"
Soon reaching the triumphant climax of his sonic orgy, McCartney runs towards President Roosevelt, lifting his Clayboard above his shoulder as flowers and unicorns and the Monkey Buddha appear all around him and the room turns a gentle lovely kind of fluffy white and the sun streaks through the gaps, turning into silver emerald lines of holy joy and rhythmic jugular dancing, the insects wafting down gently from the trees and...
“Arggghoof!”
...Completely oblivious to the President's fancy footwork, the music-fiend Paul McCartney runs straight past him and into the wall!
His attack fails!
Now that Rooselvelt is successfully wrestled, Stevo will try to, like any decently Australian MAN, RIDE THE PRESIDENT INTO HIS ALLIES' ATTACKS!
Oh, and Bionic Ear Molestation commence.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...Steve Irwin has wrestled Roosevelt into submission: now he jumps upon the Presidential shoulders, kicking the American’s flanks with his heels to direct him towards his allies. But McCartney is busy running into the wall, Archimedes is occupied rolling nakedly in filth, and King Leonidas is discussing eat-off etiquette with a dead nurse!
“Davy it’ll have to be then!” thinks the Australian to himself, as he tries to keep Roosevelt in place in front of Davy Crockett. Just then he leans down and starts tickling Roosevelt with his bionic ear. It’s quite distracting. ...Suddenly blood begins to pour out of Roosevelt’s over-tickled ear.
PRESIDENT WRESTLED: FOUR TURNS OF RIDING LEFT!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Lightly Bleeding Ear!
Extinguish the head flames by headbutting NecroTR in the chest. Boone should snack on him more as well.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Oi! That's my good leg!" observes Davy Crockett, dismayed at this latest display of Presidential abuse of power. “And my good hair! Take this!”
Davy carefully aims his burning head at the President before headbutting him vigorously in the chest! ...The flames are extinguished by the torrent of blood that pours forth from Roosevelt’s shining and muscular physique!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Lightly Bleeding Chest!
Theoderm is so absorbed in the delightful spectacle of his manly blood running in sensual rivulets down his own bulging pecs that he barely notices when ...a crocodile’s head bites his left foot off!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Severed Left Foot!
...Just as Theoderm’s morale plummets to an all-day low at the loss of his foot, out of the corner of his eye he spies his multi-legged abomination strides menacingly towards him.
"Oh, balls,” he thinks, for the second time this turn.
Suddenly the multi-nurse-spider swipes with his vicious skeletal arm towards Roosevelt, and Steve Irwin’s left foot flies off above him! In an arc!
"Oh, sweet,” realises the President.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severed Left Foot!
Just then, Roosevelt spies a dead nurse and a Spartan king coming towards him, both napkinned up and dual-wielding fancy cutlery. He remembers why he was backing off from the rest of the group
"Oh, balls,” he thinks, again.
...The nurse minion strikes first, stabbing his fork into Roosevelt’s thigh!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Punctured Thigh!
... Licking his lips, King Leonidas cuts off a slice of Roosevelt’s arm and tucks in!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Eaten Arm Slice!
King Leonidas stops chewing for long enough to bellow in his great and noble voice.
”Bring out the gravy!”
EAT OFF ROUND ONE: TIE!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
-1 Gentle Love penalty to Roosevelt’s combat rolls for one more turn [4].
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on July 24, 2012, 05:50:56 am
Oh grab The drugs aswell, if I have time
Post by: Toaster on July 24, 2012, 09:18:49 am
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT NTR right into his skelespider minion!
I hope Boone doesn't mind me kicking with him, since I don't have much other choice. Can I even kick?
Post by: Tiruin on July 24, 2012, 09:22:55 am
Post by: monk12 on July 24, 2012, 08:36:13 pm
This plan is devious in its intricacies
Post by: Talarion on July 25, 2012, 03:36:02 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on July 26, 2012, 02:37:02 am
Since today means in the next six hours, I am also open to the first suggestion that comes along.
Post by: Spinal_Taper on July 26, 2012, 02:44:11 am
Post by: lawastooshort on July 26, 2012, 09:13:35 am
SHORT INTERLUDE PART FIVE
Vaporate the last nurse and combine it with the traitor.
RELEASE THE BEAST WITHIN THE KIT.
Swing Davey Crockett at Archimedes, or just charge at him in such a way that both of em get a concussion out of it.
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
“Argg!” cries Theoderm Roosevelt as he ...distractedly vaporates his own hand. “Blast! NOW YOU'VE MADE ME ANGRY! And, as I always say,” he says, as he reaches into his trouser pocket, “If you want to get your way you need to SPEAK IN ALL CAPS AND CARRY A BIG ANGRY SKELETAL HONEY BADGER!”
...With a dramatic flourish the President pulls out the aforementioned big angry skeletal honey badger, which immediately leaps out of the necromantic starter kit to ...jump up and bite off King Leonidas’s face!
“RARRRRGGGGGGGGGGH!” shouts Roosevelt.
“Blast!” mutters Leonidas.
“Om nom nom” continues the undead honey badger.
Wound Acquired: King Leonidas Etc.: Severed Face!
Just then the President leans over to pick up and weaponise Davy Crockett, ...but he forgets to bend his knees and keep his back straight, and damages his back!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Slipped Disc!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Vaporated Hand!
Just as it seems things can’t get any worse for the Necromantic President, they don’t. ...His multi-limbed spiderous monstrosity ambles towards Archimedes of Syracuse and, in a blinding flash of skeletal spider leg, blood suddenly begins to pour from the vomit-smeared Greek’s chest.
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Bleeding Chest!
Load laser, elemental magics, grab Bowie and retreat away from the next monster.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Blimey!” notices Archimedes, bleeding. In his confusion he stumbles about, ...accidentally knocking over his fancy but for some time entirely useless mirrors as he – also accidentally, he would later claim – aims his mathemagical arms at the remaining nurse, ...flaying every last remnant of water from the nurse’s body with his mind before igniting him into a blazing inferno of burning medical professional.
“Er…” he mumbles, backing off from the flames and ...bumbling into Bowie, knocking them both to the floor. “Whoops.”
Quote from: The voices in McCartney’s head
Play "Here Comes the Sun". TRs minions are undead, vampires are undead as well. This should work.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
“This should work!” thinks Paul McCartney, rather optimistically. ...He grabs his guitar from over his shoulder and clears his throat.
“Here comes the sun!” he starts, before continuing, “Doo doo doo doo!”
“Here comes the sun, and I say…”
“Balls to that, is what I say!” blasts Roosevelt. “You and your bloody communist limey music! Oi!” he then shouts, addressing the undead nurse munching on his leg. “You’d best damn well get back here, you treacherous fiend! Come back!”
Alas! Roosevelt’s protestations are to no avail. ...The nurse minion flees, terrified by the thought of the sun!
Unfortunately for McCartney, ...Roosevelt himself is strong willed, and ...his spidermination has no ears!
Continue riding/attacking Roosevelt
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Meanwhile, still perched on the rogue President’s shoulders, Steve Irwin tries to capitalise on his strong position by kicking Roosevelt repeatedly in the guts. ...But he misses! Instead he realises he must continue riding the President towards his fellow outdoorsman Crockett, who he can see is readying himself for a mighty kick in the President’s crotch!
As he leans down to better steer the portly fellow his ear rejoins the attack, savaging the American and ...violently severing his face!
“Ha!” harrumphs Stevo. “That’ll wipe the smile off yer face, mate! Or… er… yer face off… yer face? Crikey!”
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Severed Face!
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT NTR right into his skelespider minion!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Time for a two-for-one deal, right?" suggests Davy Crockett to the bad President, who doesn’t appear to be listening. Taking his silence for wholehearted approval, Davy swiftly applies his MIGHTY TEXAS
Severely bruised in the groin, Theoderm Roosevelt lands on the skeletal arachnabomination’s back, comfortably seated. Except for the groin bruising. And all the bleeding. And the severed face and guts.
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Bruised Groin!
EAT OFF ROUND TWO: ARRIVAL OF THE GRAVY
OM NOM NOM
(http://th03.deviantart.net/fs17/PRE/f/2007/129/2/2/King_Leonidas___Gerard_Butler_by_pudgethefish.jpg)
Just as a passing courtier arrives with a golden gravy boat filled to the brim with sweet delicious gravy, King Leonidas hears the lovely music of the Beatles and looks up in wonderment. He realises his competitor has fled.
Not one to stop such a simple fact as lack of competitor to stop him competing, he quickly slices off part of Roosevelt’s knee, dipping it in the gravy before having a quick chomp. He suddenly spits out the chewy meat as he realises his morale feels amazingly high.
“By Jove!” he exclaims. “Yet another eat off victory! No one can beat ME!”
He downs the gravy in one before throwing the gravy boat to the floor. He stands and stretches to his full height, roaring with triumph and bronzed manliness.
Bonus Acquired: King Leonidas: +1 Eat Off Victory Morale Bonus For Next Turn!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Lightly Bleeding Knee!
EAT OFF ROUND TWO: VICTORY TO KING LEONIDAS!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
King Leonidas: +1 Eat Off Victory Morale Bonus For Next Turn!
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on July 26, 2012, 09:17:49 am
Post by: Toaster on July 26, 2012, 09:19:49 am
Crockett and Boone simultaneously headbutt NTR in the chest!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on July 26, 2012, 09:40:19 am
Post by: Talarion on July 26, 2012, 04:49:58 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on July 27, 2012, 10:27:18 am
Paul McCartney sings his SECRET FROG-SUMMONING VARIATION of "Here Comes The Sun"!
"Here comes the sun (do-do-do-doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
Little froggies
Swim in a long, cold, lonely river
Little froggies
It feels like years that they've been there
Here comes the sun (do-do-do-doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
Little froggies
The croaking returning to your faces
Little froggies
It seems like years since you've been here
Here comes the sun!"
Post by: lawastooshort on August 04, 2012, 04:15:17 pm
SHORT INTERLUDE PART SIX
By fire be purged! MY FISTS, THEY ARE MADE OF STEEL! (Firestarter to the left and punch in the face of Steve Irwin)
Spider goes after Archimedes!
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
“By fire be purged!” bellows Theoderm Roosevelt, after a dramatic pause. “MY FISTS, THEY ARE MADE OF STEEL!” he finishes, ...as he breaks Steve Irwin's face with a solid right hook aimed vaguely above his head. Irwin collapses onto the President’s head clutching his shattered jaw.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Broken Face!
Despite the Australian riding and bleeding on him, Roosevelt remembers the first part of his promise, turning towards the small group of bowienauts to the left and ...snorting a great blast of fire from his nostrils like some kind of fire-breathing necromantic horse-President. Miraculously his pet skeletal honey badger ...manages to avoid the blow, but the jet of fire ...hits King Leonidas straight in the chest before flowing onwards and ...barbequing Davy Crockett in the guts!
Behind the unfortunate pair, Paul McCartney is backed up against the wall, and sees the Presidential flame flowing towards him with milliseconds to spare! Naked and knowing it's his only chance, he thrusts his vomit-speckled reinforced guts towards the fire ...and takes the pain!
Wound Acquired: King Leonidas: Burning Pecs!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Burning Guts!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Singed Guts!
Bandage self, multiply this and set up the laser, again
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Safe from the terrifying burny carnage mere metres away, Archimedes-
“Arg! A giant spider trying to chew my face off!” he suddenly realises, ...before elbowing the giant skeletal arachnabomination in the eyes and backing away. Slightly shaken by the unexpected although ultimately harmless assault, he quickly and finally sets up his laser and then slaps a plaster across his gaping chest wound. ...It seems to work.
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracause: Light Chest Bleeding!
...Seeing his friends under desperate and horrifying attack, he turns to the power of maths.
“Friends!” he says, “I er... the... that's to say... the... um... ARGGGGGGG!”
As one his comrades turn to him, totally distracted by the amazing power of mathematics.
Penalty Acquired: Bowienauts: -1 mathematical distraction bonus for 1 turn!
Paul McCartney sings his SECRET FROG-SUMMONING VARIATION of "Here Comes The Sun"!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Hey, you didn't let me finish my song, mate!" shouts the indignant and amazingly only slightly scorched Paul McCartney as he steps forward through the ring of fire. He props his guitar up on his shoulder and gets ready to play. "Now, I don't know an awful lot about space. But what I do know is no matter where you go, long as you don't go too far, the sun shines on. So I say: it's all right!"
"Here comes the sun (do-do-do-doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right”
Roosevelt looks at the Beatle with an air of bewilderment which soon changes to one of abject terror, an emotion he feels for perhaps the first time in his life.
”Little froggies
Swim in a long, cold, lonely river
Little froggies
It feels like years that they've been there
Here comes the sun (do-do-do-doo)
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right
Little froggies
The croaking returning to your faces
Little froggies
It seems like years since you've been here
Here comes the sun!"
...A shower of frogs explodes down onto the evil President, swarming up to his neck and pecking at his eyes! He tries to beat them off but one grabs hold of his moustache and ... begins to chew!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Severed Moustache!
Continue previous tactic of attacking and riding.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Crikey, mate! says Stevo totally gratuitously as fire and blood fly everywhere about the room.
Sensing their chance as Roosevelt squirms in a sea of frog, Irwin and his bionic ear seize it! Blindly flailing about on Theoderm's shoulders, Stevo ...totally flattens some air next to him, mate, and is soon joined in victory by his ear, which ...absolutely strangles the nearby empty space to death!
Crockett and Boone simultaneously headbutt NTR in the chest!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Davy Crockett isn't one to put up with such raging incompetence for long: he steps awkwardly up to Roosevelt and tells him what's what – and what's about to be what!
"Time for the DOUBLE HEADBUTT!" he exclaims, giving his opponent a fair warning, like a gentleman should. Then, to be even fairer, both Crockett and Boone miss, and ...fracture Roosevelt's crotch with the combined force of their burning heads!
Wound Acquired: Theoderm Roosevelt: Fractured Crotch!
Right then! Drug up that Timelord, ideally with the good healy drugs, wherever they ended up.
(http://th03.deviantart.net/fs17/PRE/f/2007/129/2/2/King_Leonidas___Gerard_Butler_by_pudgethefish.jpg)
As his foe falls to his knees clutching his groin, King Leonidas the Scorched resists the temptation to continue his eat-off and munch on his perfectly cooked and stupendously manly chest and instead drops, burning, to his own knees, and hands, and crawls about on the floor, scrabbling about looking for drugs in the gutter.
...He doesn't find any. His palms begin to feel a little clammy.
Just then a passing skeletal honey badger wanders up to him and ...nuzzles him affectionately behind the ear.
It wanders off again before it catches fire.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Bowienauts: -1 mathematical distraction bonus for 1 turn!
Theoderm Roosevelt: Temporary Ability Acquired: Flesh Vaporiser
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle!! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier!! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Talarion on August 04, 2012, 05:27:25 pm
Post by: Toaster on August 04, 2012, 08:18:39 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on August 05, 2012, 05:26:28 am
Post by: freeformschooler on August 09, 2012, 08:27:01 am
Paul McCartney hobbles a little closer to THEODERM ROOSEVELT and sets of a beam of PURE LOVE from his guitar at him!
Post by: freeformschooler on August 13, 2012, 10:08:20 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
No rush, though, I'm reading through all of RTP (how did I miss that!?)
Post by: lawastooshort on August 14, 2012, 02:03:58 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
No rush, though, I'm reading through all of RTP (how did I miss that!?)
Yeah, sorry all. I am working on a turn, just a combination of things have led to a lack of energy and finding it difficult to write, and the extra motivation provided by a new game makes these things easier to get over, hence several updates for RtP and... one? none? for this.
Edit - still working on it... Bit bunged up with a cold and busy this weekend...
Post by: lawastooshort on August 28, 2012, 07:48:26 am
SHORT INTERLUDE PART SEVEN
Zombify the dead guy down south if I can with my eye.
*PUNCH-SPLODE*
(http://www.advisormarketingsuccess.com/wp-content/uploads/Theodore_Roosevelt_laughing.jpg)
With his crotch fractured by a burning crocodile and his treasured moustache severed by a rabid frog, Theoderm Roosevelt is at a loss.
His mission has failed.
Time to turn to his secondary objective.
To gain time, he ...raises the corpse lying in the open coffin to the south as a zombie with the power of his eyes before redirecting his attention to the Australian croc-jockey riding his head.
...With a mighty smash of his legendary fist, he knocks Steve Irwin to the floor, freeing himself from the terrible bionic doom-ear! He backs away from the bowienauts and beckons his spidomination to do his violent bidding.
Before the bowienauts can even express their horror at Nikola Tesla being brought back to life to eat them, the skeletal spider fiend is upon them!
...Unerringly picking out the man who is undoubtedly the clearest threat – and, indeed, the only combat specialist present who is not on fire – the skeletal spider beast lunges with his fearsome jaws to rip off Stevo’s head. Diving away in a panic, Stevo lands head first on the floor and smacks his face in! Luckily enough though, the incompetent undead monstrosity is only able to rip off his own leg with his six foot long fangs!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Partially Ruined Face!
Continue attacking untill Roosevelt dies!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...Totally dazed by his own expert dodging skills, Steve Irwin jumps to his feet, aims a firm blow at the Presidential Necromancer, tumbles over, and punches the floor as hard as he can. He mutters Australian curses to himself and rolls over to approach Roosevelt, who ...nimbly steps away from the attacks of Stevo’s bionic ear, kicks the Australian away with a forceful blow, and laughs down at the pitiful attacks of his opponent.
"You think I am scared of death? Hahaha! Such will be your downfall! Hahaha!”
DOUBLEARMFACE
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
“Of death?” rhetorically asks Davy Crockett as he steps up. “No sir: I’m pretty sure you can withstand death, Mr President. But can you withstand THIS?”
...The burning Davy Crockett leaps forward as if possessed by the spirit of the enormous Hebridean sheep-frog, opening his jaws as wide as he can right in Roosevelt’s face, revealing the full glorious horror of the arms, brains and bits of liver visible through his gaping faceholes. He swears he can just make out a tiny reflection in the soulless eyes of the President, and just as he manages to retain mastery of his retch reflex the struggling President opens his mouth.
All witnesses present would, in later days, complain that the majestic spectacle of Niagara Falls was henceforth ruined for them, having seen the awe inspiring vomit-olanche that next spewed forth from the gaping maw of the Necromancer.
For yea! Theoderm Roosevelt is grievously struck down, an endless torrent of hard-boiled eggs, waffles and half-digested pheasant from the night before shoots out at a speed that knocks the unfortunate Davy Crockett dripping to the floor! His clothes, under the overactive digestive juices of a trained President, begin to sizzle and dissolve. As Roosevelt continues to thrust out the acrid aftermath of his breakfast, his body refuses to recognise it is empty, and pushes out morsels of internal organ: guts, kidneys, slivers of slimy damp lung; all find themselves flung out across the room and upon his enemies!
The President slumps to his knees.
Paul McCartney hobbles a little closer to THEODERM ROOSEVELT and sets of a beam of PURE LOVE from his guitar at him!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Keep him down, boys! Shouldn't be long 'til the battle's over!" shouts McCartney, mercifully free from the worst of Roosevelt’s intestinal holocaust.
Pointing his guitar at the all-but-beaten foe, he strums out a forceful yet gentle beam of love. ...If anything, Paul just feels a little more depressed about things than he did before he touched his guitar.
He sits down on a nearby chair, suddenly feeling a little despondent.
Fire the laser at the monster Zombie, then attempt up to fix any bowienauts I can (Use the medic arm to quench/heal to.)
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Rather than mope like some of his floppy-haired friends, Archimedes decides to act. He immediately fires his laser at the monstrous zombie spider thing, but, ...clearly blinded by the spray of vomit shotgunned into his face by Roosevelt, he entirely misses, only managing to set a nearby coffee table on fire.
Wiping the gut-evacuation from his eyes and cheeks, he suddenly clearly sees his fellow bowienaut severely burning. He gingerly makes his way over, tiptoeing through the river of sick before blasting Davy Crockett in the guts with his ...stupendously powerful arm-mounted water cannon!
Crockett flies backwards, smashing his skull against the wall behind and immediately bringing both hands up to his now ripped apart and severely bleeding guts!
At least they’re not burning!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Very Heavily Bleeding Guts!
Propelled by the immense recoil, Archimedes also flies backwards, smashing straight into Zombie Tesla!
...Zombie Tesla immediately bends down to chew on his miraculously delivered meal, but slips over in the stream of water and vomit, leaving Archimedes free to wriggle away. ...Luckily it seems Tesla’s electric capabilities have not yet fully recharged in his zombie form!
Leonidas summons an army of Spartans to help him look for the Timelord's drugs.
(http://th03.deviantart.net/fs17/PRE/f/2007/129/2/2/King_Leonidas___Gerard_Butler_by_pudgethefish.jpg)
Just then, the peaceful scene of gutjuice drenched carnage is interrupted by a piercing scream.
...A passing honey badger skeleton is gnawing hungrily on King Leonidas of Sparta’s left buttock! That’s his favourite buttock! Leonidas turns round in a flash, burning heavily as he ...smashes the honey badger skeleton harmlessly in the face with his extra manly bronze shield! Frustrated by his failure, he screams out an angry roar.
“SPARTANS! TO ME! TONIGHT, WE DINE ON THEODERM ROOSEVELT!”
“Feckin’ stupid badger,” he adds, under his breath. Suddenly there’s an enormous noise and hundreds upon hundreds of Spartan warriors rush into the room, somehow all fitting in and grouping around their leader. They ahistorically beat their shields and shout into the air.
“FOR SPARTA! FOR DINNER! FOR DRUGS!”
To a man the Spartan army shoulder their shields and drop to their hands and knees, scrabbling about on the floor for Bowie’s drugs.
Suddenly the antechamber turns dark and there is a cold, black, rushing wind blasting from all sides into the centre of the room.
“Aha! Come then, my oldest and last rival! We shall duel properly, this time. En garde, sucker!"
The assembled bowienauts, peering between the hundreds of Spartans, first see Theoderm Roosevelt raising his fists. They turn to his opponent.
Death himself has appeared in the antechamber!
“So…” says Death. “You have decided to resist my advances once more, Roosevelt? Knowing full well that to do so may spell doom for all around? Knowing that you shall be cast unto the fiery pits of Neasden for all eternity? Yet still you come not silently? LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO FRANCE THE LAST TIME, ROOSEVELT!”
“Bwahahahah! Yes! Come and get me, Death! I will punch your bony face right in! I would let that happen to France a thousand times and show no remorse! I am a proud American, and you, Death, you are totally going down!”
Just as Death raises his scythe above his head a shout goes out amongst the assembled Spartans.
“King Leonidas! We have found the drugs! Gods be praised!”
Death brings his scythe down, only for Theoderm Roosevelt to sidestep to the left and bring his fist of iron smashing into Death’s jawbone.
The severed part flies off in an arc!
“You bastard, Roosevelt! I’m going to give your scrotum to my Labrador as a handbag chew toy, you ungodly fiend! Wait, how come I can still talk? OH YES, BECAUSE I AM DEATH! Kneel, Roosevelt, that this may be quick and painless for you!”
Theoderm Roosevelt sidesteps back to the right and nuts Death in the right cheek.
The severed part flies off in an arc!
“You shit, Roosevelt! I’m going to-“
Roosevelt ducks down and punches Death in the groin!
The severed part flies off in an arc!
Death begins crawling away on the floor towards his severed crotch. Theoderm Roosevelt, cracking his knuckles and preparing his stomping boots, walks slowly after him.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash and an electric blue light fills the room.
“Whoa dudes,” says the Magnificent Timelord Bowie as he gets to his feet. “That was pretty freaky, man. I think something happened to the space time whatnot. Oh shit, what’s Roosevelt doing here again? Trying to resuscitate my dear departed bowienauts? And Death? What the hell are you doing here dude? Whoa, Roosevelt’s really smacked you up this time, eh. Oh hey, Spartan army. Thanks for finding my drugs, man. Men. Good work.”
David Bowie walks up to Theoderm Roosevelt and places his hand upon the American’s shoulder.
“Look dude. I’m gonna let you go again this time. But next time! Next time I will totally smack you down and let that death geezer take you, man. These are the greatest heroes of mankind, dude! I can’t let you desecrate their corpses like that. Well, not again.”
Just then David Bowie feels a tugging pain on his ankle. He looks down. Zombie Tesla is chewing his leg!
“Whoa, shit dude!” shouts Bowie, mildly alarmed. “Zombie Tesla! Get down, man, or I’m-“
Zombie Tesla keeps chewing his leg!
“That’s not cool man. Hey, be pacified by the Power of Sequins!” A spurt of sequin energy shoots from Bowie’s
David Bowie picks up Theoderm Roosevelt with his right hand, and throws him right through a nearby gap in the space time continuum!
“And you! Death!” says the Magnificent Timelord, turning to Death. “Pick up you crotch and bugger off, mate. We’ve no need for you here.”
“And you! Crockett!” finishes Bowie, turning to Davy Crockett. “You’re bloody well on fire, mate.”
HOSPITAL INTERLUDE
“Whoa dudes. You’re pretty beaten up, man. Men. We’re gonna get you fixed up extra quick, ‘cause I’ve got a pretty hairy mission I need you to go on. Yeah man, you’ve taken out ChairMan Miaow! You’ve taken out both ROBOSTALIN and SPEEDOSTALIN, earning us all the eternal hatred of 60s Sean Connery in the process! So far you have handled all your tasks with bravery and aplomb! But still. Our scientists have calculated that there’s just totally no way you will be able to take out dinoHITLER without suffering over 200% casualties, and that’s just not something I’m willing to risk. So, heavy as it sounds, I’m gonna have to send you back in time, man. I’m gonna have to send you to…”
CHAPTER THREE: BOWIENAUTS AND DINOHITLER’S MUM
“Oh, first though, let’s see to your wounds. You know,” says Bowie, glancing up at his first patient, “I’m almost totally partially medically qualified, man. Not many people know that about me. And I’m totally off my face on all these drugs. Yeah.”
STEVE IRWIN: SEVERED LEFT FOOT: ...REPLACED WITH FULLY FUNCTIONING LEFT FOOT. KEEP REPLACEMENT Y/N? REJECT REPLACEMENT Y/N? TRY AGAIN FOR KEEPS Y/N?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: SEVERED LEFT LEG: ...REPLACED WITH FULLY FUNCTIONING KEYBOARD LEG. KEEP REPLACEMENT Y/N? REJECT REPLACEMENT Y/N? TRY AGAIN FOR KEEPS Y/N?
DAVY CROCKETT: SEVERED LEFT LEG: ...REPLACED WITH FULLY SEVERED LOWER BODY. KEEP REPLACEMENT Y/N? REJECT REPLACEMENT Y/N? TRY AGAIN FOR KEEPS Y/N?
“Er. Whoops. Sorry Davy. Totally hallucinated a flying monkey making a spider web all over your groin. It’s the best I could do, man! Now, you ready guys? Let’s go!”
“Right. So. We’ve detected dinoHITLER’s mum at a reasonably fixed point on this one plane, see. So I’m gonna hurl you down there, you’re gonna track her down, and you’re gonna persuade her never to have children. Or murder her. Up to you. Foolproof, eh?”
Bowie turns to the ceiling and speaks in a commanding and clear voice.
“Activate TVC ONE FIVE.”
A large electric blue screen drops from the ceiling on one side of the room.
“Ready? Go!”
Suddenly Bowie grabs each of the bowienauts in turn by the collar, hurling them one handed at the screen!
There’s a strange sensation of flight, then a feeling of being very still; a flash of lights, a feeling of being alone in the corner of a room on a dank Saturday night, a strange, stomach churning noise. There’s a brief wave of purple.
The bowienauts tumble onto the ground one by one.
They look about.
All around is dense jungle.
“So… er… can you hear me, over? DinoHITLER’S mum should be about 2 clicks to the north west, our readings seem to indicate. Good luck.”
Suddenly there is a rustling noise in the undergrowth. Then a stomping noise. Then a fearsome roar.
“RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” says the Tyrannosaurus Rex, stomping into the tiny clearing and towering over the bowienauts. “FORCES OF THE EVIL SCIENTIST, REPENT! YOU ARE SURROUNDED!”
The dinosaur stops talking to point with his deformed looking arm towards a tree behind the bowienauts, who turn to see a pterodactyl swoop down from it and land behind them.
“SUBMIT, THAT WE MAY EAT YOU IN PEACE!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on August 28, 2012, 10:44:06 am
Do you want to resolve that first or should we go ahead and action?
Also, I need to continue to collect arms for N-ARMFACE.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on August 28, 2012, 10:52:39 am
Post by: lawastooshort on August 28, 2012, 11:04:12 am
Yeah... I think I'll try again.
Do you want to resolve that first or should we go ahead and action?
Also, I need to continue to collect arms for N-ARMFACE.
Oh, go ahead and post an action, I'll put the legs in a spoiler or pm.
Post by: monk12 on August 28, 2012, 11:59:09 am
Post by: Toaster on August 28, 2012, 02:18:38 pm
Attempt to calm down the DINOs with reason. If reason fails, attempt to calm them with HE rounds.
Post by: Dermonster on August 28, 2012, 02:56:20 pm
Post by: monk12 on August 28, 2012, 08:00:54 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on August 28, 2012, 08:15:43 pm
Gimme a bit. I can probably read it all and post tomorrow.
Post by: lawastooshort on August 29, 2012, 03:05:38 am
So, how did I do?
Well, in that you didn't totally fail your objective and were only prevented from curbstomping Death by the intervention of David Bowie AND you indirectly led to Davy Crockett losing both his legs, well, quite well.
Uhh...
Gimme a bit. I can probably read it all and post tomorrow.
I don't think it would be entirely fair of me to rush you after my effort at timeliness ;)
Post by: freeformschooler on August 30, 2012, 07:02:58 am
Post by: Spinal_Taper on August 30, 2012, 09:47:26 am
Grrgrarg someone choose my action and I'll catch up later. I have ALL OF THE TESTS this week.Mccarntney whips out his musical instrument of choice! After tuning it gently, he plays "We Can Work it Out." in an attempt to pacify the raging dino.
Post by: Talarion on August 31, 2012, 08:54:59 pm
Crack knuckles slightly, and wonder in head if Dinosaurs are like Crocodiles... Get ready to rumble, in case they attack, but stand aside for now.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 04, 2012, 07:28:22 am
CHAPTER THREE: BOWIENAUTS AND DINOHITLER’S MUM. TURN ONE!
"Perhaps this isn't the time for violence?" reasons Davy Crockett. “Perhaps is the TIME TO DAMN WELL SORT OUT MY LEG, O TIMELORD! Beam me the hell up, Bowie!”
“Whoa dude, relax!” replies the Magnificent Timelord as Crockett suddenly materialises back upon the orbital space pod. “Relax man, we’ll have this sorted out in a jiffy. So er… you want your burnt off leg fixed, eh? Without me taking off the other one too? I’ll see what I can do… We’ll er… we’ll have to put that piece of burnt off leg somewhere though…”
DAVY CROCKETT: SEVERED LEFT LEG: ...REPLACED WITH LARGE SELF BALANCING WHEEL/TURBO ROCKET JET COMBINATION. REMAINS OF SEVERED/BURNT OFF LEFT LEG STORED IN LEFT CHEEK. KEEP REPLACEMENT Y/N? REJECT REPLACEMENT Y/N? CANNOT TRY AGAIN.
Item Acquired: Davy Crockett: Rocket Mono-Segway
Item Acquired: Davy Crockett: Doublearmlegface!
Attempt to calm down the DINOs with reason. If reason fails, attempt to calm them with HE rounds.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
...Suddenly there’s a fizzing zap of a burst of noise and Davy Crockett appears back in the small clearing.
"Perhaps this isn't the time for violence?” he asks of the towering dinosaur. “Perhaps this is the time for reason?”
“Hmm,” replies the dinosaur. “Perhaps!”
Crack knuckles slightly, and wonder in head if Dinosaurs are like Crocodiles... Get ready to rumble, in case they attack, but stand aside for now.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...Just then there’s a loud echoing cracking sound as Stevo’s head whirs into action!
“I wonder if Dinosaurs are like Crocodiles? SHIT, THEY ARE! Dinosaurs are Crocodiles’ evil cousin!”
Steve Irwin quickly cracks his knuckles to prepare for combat, cracking them so hard that one of his fingers flies off, directly towards the tyrannosaurus’ eyes!
“Rawrrrrrrrrrrr!” roars the dinosaur, blood pouring from his eye. “My eye, you Aussie bastard!”
Angry and unable to see properly, the tyrannosaurus rex charges towards Davy Crockett, his ferocious jaws open and slavering with hunger.
“Ahhh ahahahah!” he cries. “Barbequed human! My favourite!”
In a flash of chomping dinotooth, the tyrannosaurus rex rips Crockett’s severed burnt leg out of his left cheek! He waves it briefly in the air with his tremendous jaws until they snap open and he swallows the leg whole!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severed Finger!
Item Lost: Davy Crockett: Doublearmlegface!
Improvise a backup robe from whatever is nearby.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...Seeing his commander charge into battle sends the pterodactyl behind the group into a frenzied rage.
“Rawrrrrrrrrrrr!” he cries, leaping at Archimedes like a demented flamingo and flapping his wings with a great fury.
“Rawrrrrrrrrrrr!” cries back Archimedes, spinning round on his heels, kicking the pterodactyl into the air and then catching it over his knee and snapping its spine. With a flash of teeth and jaw somehow more terrifying than that of the tyrannosaurus rex, Archimedes rips the wings off the dead pterodactyl before fashioning an ornate and creepy looking backup robe from them!
It’s hard to tell if the tyrannosaurus rex looks super-pissed or super-intimidated.
Mccarntney whips out his musical instrument of choice! After tuning it gently, he plays "We Can Work it Out" in an attempt to pacify the raging dino.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
...At just about the same time that Archimedes decides that the dinosaur totally does look super-pissed at seeing his friend turned into a backup robe he hears the gentle strumming of Paul McCartney’s faithful acoustic. The lovely soothing melody soon fills the entire small clearing and is shortly joined by the pacifying tones of the last Beatle.
“…We can work it out.
Life is very short, and there's no time,
For fussing and fighting, my friend.
I have always thought that it's a crime,
So I will ask you once again…”
“Whoa dude,” interrupts the tyrannosaurus rex. “You’re totally right. There is no time for fussing and fighting! Hey, o crocfoot man! Your foot looks like my own son! Sorry about your leg! And you! Man who was once naked! I totally forgive you!”
“Uh, that’s ok, Mr…”
“Call me uh… Edward. Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
“That’s ok Mr Rex. I guess I didn’t really need a leg in my face. Not with the two arms I’ve already got in it!”
Edward briefly vomits down his chin before managing to tear his gaze away.
“And I er… I’m sorry about making your friend into a dress,” finishes Archimedes.
“That’s no problem,” says Edward, wiping himself clean. “We’ve had worse… Hey, you know, you could totally come back to our village and… have a coffee?”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on September 04, 2012, 07:57:48 am
Ask permission to DOUBLEARMFACE the dino to make him vomit out the leg so I can put it back. If denied, just follow him back to his village.
(Also, we're good on the other leg.)
I was totally planning on jumping down his throat after that leg, too.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 05, 2012, 07:36:13 am
Post by: lawastooshort on September 11, 2012, 08:44:02 am
TURN TWO!
To Dinosaur Village. Also, ask for tea.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
...”I say we go with these noble creatures! Or er, what's left of them.” announces Archimedes of Syracuse, snugly wrapped in his new pterodactyl wing leather dress. “And um… do you have any tea?” he asks as Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex turns to lead the bowienauts to his village.
“No.”
Quote from: Talarion
Ok then.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
...In the ensuing stony silence – the silence of rejection, Archimedes notes dejectedly to himself – Steve Irwin, Professional Australian, follows behind his comrades.
He is visibly uneasy in the presence of such a vast reptile as Edward. Every instinct is telling him to jump on the bugger’s head and get his jaws in a ferocious bloody armlock, mate.
Ask permission to DOUBLEARMFACE the dino to make him vomit out the leg so I can put it back. If denied, just follow him back to his village.(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
...Up ahead, Davy Crockett sidles up to the massive dinosaur leading the way.
"Don't suppose I could make you vomit up me leg?" asks Davy of Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. “I er… I was quite fond of it, in a way…”
“Oh yes,” comes the reply. “Terribly sorry. Fire away, and all that!”
“No… er… just, you know… Come closer and…”
“And what?”
“Just look at this!”
“OH JESUS CHRIST!”
There’s a sudden spray of green and rancid carrionsoup that darkens the air, and just as suddenly Davy is smashed to the ground by a violently ejected limb. He picks himself, and his leg, up off the floor and, gritting his teeth to dull the pain, rams the partially digested and horribly disfigured leg into a spare hole in his face.
Item Acquired: Davy Crockett: Doublearmlegface!
“Wait, what? Jesus Christ?”
Quote from: freeformschooler
Right so.
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
...At the back of the column of hardy spacetime explorers is Paul McCartney, strolling nonchalantly through the leafy jungle, pleased that his powers of peace have saved yet another situation from turning bad. He affectionately taps the guitar slung over his shoulder.
“I know I can count on you, Betsy”, he whispers. “I know I can count on you…”
Suddenly there’s a cry of alarm from the head of the group.
“AMBUSH!”
A vast brontosaurus towers over the bowienauts at the front. In a panic, McCartney swivels round, drawing his guitar and clutching it near with fervent passion as he ends his swivel and comes face to face with a pair of decidedly right-wing looking velociraptors.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on September 11, 2012, 08:56:39 am
"Oh, jolly!" says Paul McCartney. "More of these buggers! Right then, they look a spot hungry, don't think we'll persuade 'em this time."
He thinks once! He considers his options twice! He decides against showing his pimp leg thrice!
"Ah, I've got it. Wild, rowdy beasts, eh? Davy, I do believe this is your field of expertise!"
Paul McCartney clicks his guitar into reverse and strums a REVERSED chord of gentle loving for Davy Crockett!
Post by: Toaster on September 11, 2012, 09:34:47 am
Crockett, feeling rather pleased about being complete again, is rather itching for a fight!
"Let's go, you dino-bastards!"
MULTIKILL fire HE shells at the two velociraptors in front of me!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 11, 2012, 10:43:29 am
Multiply this, set up Heat ray
Post by: monk12 on September 11, 2012, 12:09:13 pm
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 11, 2012, 12:29:29 pm
Also, would it be generally okay with you if I joined the waitlist at this time?
Post by: lawastooshort on September 11, 2012, 01:48:56 pm
Hopefully this goes on for a LOOOOONG time, so that everyone on the waitlist can join.
I hope I manage to keep it going too. So far we are at a little under halfway through the story, as the crow flies.
Also, would it be generally okay with you if I joined the waitlist at this time?
Sure - added to second post.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 11, 2012, 02:23:04 pm
Inventory: Stainless Steel Microphone Stand W/Mic.
Bio: One night, in the middle of his show, Elvis was attacked by an anonymous heckler in the crowd. When the crowd parted to see who the perpetrator was, a lone robot dressed entirely in red and wielding a musket with the Hammer and Sickle on it was standing there. Elvis lunged at the robo-commie, beating it down with his mic stand. Later, as he was relaxing with a nice Fried PB&B sandwich, he was confronted by Bowie, who invited him to come save FREEDOM from Evil Masterminds such as ROBOSTALIN. Remembering the heckler, he graciously accepted.
Skills: Great Fighter with Music, AMAZING sandwich maker.
Weaknesses: Can't stand hecklers, a bit chubby. Okay, really chubby. OKAY, HE WAS HUGE!
This good?
Actually, I was thinking you could extend the story to have more EVIL MASTERMIND guys. Maybe in the end Bowie turns on you guys. Or something.Hopefully this goes on for a LOOOOONG time, so that everyone on the waitlist can join.
I hope I manage to keep it going too. So far we are at a little under halfway through the story, as the crow flies.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 11, 2012, 03:21:34 pm
I don't really want to expand the storyline beyond my initial inspiration for a variety of reasons to do with declining quality and outstaying its welcome. And erm, no way, man. Don't mess with Bowie. His quasi-omnipotent goodness is sacrosanct.
edit: should I apologise to myself for double posting? Anyway. Apologies for being silly. There is a vast backstory to the Timelord.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 11, 2012, 03:43:41 pm
Suddenly he woke up, his crotch bursting with a magnetic intensity. The octopus was still there, in the corner, eyeing him greedily. Hungrily. The apprentice Timelord knew he had seconds to save himself.
He spent one of those seconds wondering why he was entirely naked. He spent the next second mindpowering a skintight suit of shining metallic blue sequins into existence around his lithe and monstrously powerful body. The next second was the last second of the octopus overlord's violent and evil life, as Bowie stormed across the underwater cavern in a flash, foot aimed directly into the octopus's groin.
But he'd overcooked his foot. He blasted straight through, showering particles of octopus brain and guts across the underwater lair, spattering octo-crotch in Bowie's immaculate slicked-back hair.
With a wail of despair, the octopus overlord's lover charged at Bowie from the far end of the cavern.
The apprentice Timelord's eyes glowed red as he turned to face this new threat.
Post by: Talarion on September 12, 2012, 12:48:47 am
Post by: lawastooshort on September 13, 2012, 09:10:24 am
TURN TWO!
Paul McCartney clicks his guitar into reverse and strums a REVERSED chord of gentle loving for Davy Crockett!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh, jolly!" says Paul McCartney. "More of these buggers! Right then, they look a spot hungry, don't think we'll persuade 'em this time."
He thinks once! He considers his options twice! He decides against tactically showing his pimp leg thrice!
"Ah, I've got it. Wild, rowdy beasts, eh? Davy, I do believe this is your field of expertise!" he says, turning his guitar towards the head of the column, ...totally forgetting to flip the reversal switch, and strumming a burst of pure emo power-drain at Davy Crockett!
The American almost immediately starts to wipe a few forlorn tears from the corners of his eyes.
"Oh, bugger!"
Ah, the Prehistorics. The days before time. Some of the older philosophers thought that the balance of the elements was not consistent, and that the fire element was more plentifull in the past, which allowed these beast to become as large as they are. I suppose we should test that to further our knowledge.
Multiply this, set up Heat ray
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Ducking under the beam of sorrowful rejection that suddenly shoots up from the back of the group, Archimedes pauses his intellectual meanderings long enough to remember his comrades. ...He shouts out a bunch of mathematical formulae, totally explaining, afterwards, in Plain English, how and where to hit these bastard dinosaurs!
...That done, he rummages about in his new leather dress and pulls out his complex set of mirrors, aligning them neatly with the sun. They start to heat up!
Quote from: velociraptor group South
”Grarrh rawwrrt!”
Eat Paul McCartney.
(http://www.eatthedamncake.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/velociraptor.jpg)
Just then there’s a horrible sound of grarrhing and rawwrring, and the two rearmost velociraptors leap quickly into the attack, their drooling mouths showing tooth after razor-sharp tooth.
...McCartney steps away from the first one as it aims a slash at his face and only manages to tear the skin on his chin, but he can do nothing against the vicious attack of the second who dashes in and clamps his jaws shut around the Beatle’s guts!
The teeth pierce right through the titanium reinforcement, fracturing McCartney’s lower intestine!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Clawed Chin!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Fractured Lower Intestine!
MULTIKILL fire HE shells at the two velociraptors in front of me!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
At the other end of the column, the monstrously faced and quite terribly sad Davy Crockett, feeling, nevertheless, rather pleased about being complete again, is rather itching for a fight! He manages to stop wiping the tears from his eyes long enough to challenge his foe!
"Let's go, you dino-bastards!" he starts shouting, his breaking voice almost immediately drowned out by the whirring death engine welded onto his shoulder-stump!
...Davy aims first at the left hand reptilian fiend, spraying a mass of explosive rounds into his ugly dino-face. ...His face breaks off! His guts are fractured! Most of his body vanishes in the smoke! And then reappears!
Wound Acquired: Velociraptor One: Severed Face!
Wound Acquired: Velociraptor One: Fractured Lower Intestine!
...Taking aim at the next enemy with a shorter burst, Crockett lets rip once more! ...When the smoke clears, Crockett views with pleasure as the second velociraptor stumbles to the ground, his legs fractured and his ribs burst apart!
Wound Acquired: Velociraptor Two: Fractured Legs!
Wound Acquired: Velociraptor Two: Exploded Ribs!
Quote from: velociraptor group North
”Ouch.”
Eat Davy Crockett!
(http://www.eatthedamncake.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/velociraptor.jpg)
...Howling with pain, the faceless velociraptor charges at Crockett, lunging to bite off his terrifying arm-addition. But he’s got no face! He totally can’t bite!
His colleague and, he’s happy to say, his lover, the second velociraptor, also charges towards Davy Crockett, but just then he realises his legs are fractured! He tumbles to the ground in front of the merciless American!
Quote from: brontosaurus
”You must die, Edward! You have resisted us for too long. And this! This is a step too far, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex!”
Wrestle the T-Rex!
(http://dreager1.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/brontosaurus.gif)
...It’s time for decisive action, realises the brontosaurus sergeant, bellowing a challenge and heading straight for Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. He rears his ugly head and tries to chomp down on the T Rex’s ear. He breaks the skin and tears the flesh!
Wound Acquired: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex: Torn Ear!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Bite the brontosaurus!...
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
”Arhg! My ear, you fascist bastard!” yells Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. ”I’ll have you, you damned herbivore!” he shouts, biting a chunk out of the brontosaurus’ guts.
Wound Acquired: John the Brontosaurus: Torn Guts!
Tackle/Wrestle the BRONTOSAURUS!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Oh, crikey mates!” despairs Steve Irwin as he rushes to the fight. ”What the hell do you call that, are you a bunch of flamin’ pansies or what, fellas?” he continues as he strolls up to the evil brontosaurus. ”You bleedin’ well do it like this, mates!”
...Reaching the brontosaurus, Steve Irwin, Professional Reptile Conqueror, backflips into the air, performs a double somersault twist whilst orbiting the bewildered brontosaurus’s head, and then comes in to land feet first, gliding between the legs of the massive beast and ripping each one off with one hand as he goes.
Wound Acquired: John the Brontosaurus: Severed Legs!
Wound Acquired: John the Brontosaurus: Severed Legs!
Wound Acquired: John the Brontosaurus: Severed Legs!
Wound Acquired: John the Brontosaurus: Severed Legs!
He lands at the rear of the dinosaur as it crashes to the ground, stumps flailing around madly as blood spurts out nearly sixty foot into the air.
With a flick of his foot Stevo bats the brontosaurus’s tail into the air, catches it with his remaining hand, and smacks the dinosaur in half with its own severed appendage.
Wound Acquired: John the Brontosaurus: Severed Tail!
Wound Acquired: John the Brontosaurus: Severed Body!
”He was a cheeky little critter, weren’t he! Crikey!”
Just then a trio of feathered man-size dinosaurs break out of the cover to the north west, charging directly at the bowienauts!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Open to suggestions for either side's dinosaur actions!
Post by: Tiruin on September 13, 2012, 09:12:32 am
That wound list!
I am now scared.
Post by: monk12 on September 13, 2012, 11:36:47 am
My ear
ear
???
:P
Velociraptor S1: distract Paul McCartney!
Velociraptor S2: Clever Girl Paul McCartney!
Brontosaurus: DO A BARREL ROLL!
Post by: Toaster on September 13, 2012, 12:04:12 pm
Post by: Toaster on September 13, 2012, 12:10:39 pm
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the closest of the newcomers into one of the raptors munching on Paul.
Post by: Talarion on September 13, 2012, 07:41:58 pm
Use three of the Brontosaurus' legs as projectiles and wield the other as a weapon and possible replacement left arm against the three newcomers.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 14, 2012, 10:21:51 am
Post by: freeformschooler on September 14, 2012, 01:34:14 pm
Paul McCartney WHACKS the same same raptor Davy's aiming towards with his guitar!
"Hmm... I had a song for this... Davy, help me get these raptors off and I'll play it for ya'!"
Post by: lawastooshort on September 17, 2012, 05:36:30 am
TURN THREE!
Quote from: feathered dinosaur trio!
Shoot dinolasers at Crockett and Irwin!
(http://www.sdnhm.org/archive/exhibits/feathered/images/dei_head.jpg)
As the feathery dinosaur trio burst out of the jungle, so do the blasts from their dinolasers! Shooting from the hip as they close with the column of bowienauts, they ...scorch a hole right through Davy Crockett’s non-severed arm and laserblast a hole in Steve Irwin’s skull!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Broken Right Arm!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Fractured Skull!
Set the nearby trees on fire, in order to prevent the strange feathered thingies from reaching us. Then see to our teams wounds.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Nearly as fast as the feathery dinobeasts is Archimedes of Syracuse, who quickly swivels his mirror array to the treeline hiding them and ...sets it ablaze! The dinobirds catch fire too! They squawk!
He then moves towards poor blasted Steve Irwin, stumbling vaguely over some bandages that seem to get caught in his feet but finally getting to the Australian and slinging the bandages round his head. ...At least you can’t see his brains anymore!
Quote from: velociraptor group South
”Grarrh rawwrrt!”
Velociraptor S1: distract Paul McCartney!
Velociraptor S2: Clever Girl Paul McCartney!
(http://www.eatthedamncake.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/velociraptor.jpg)
Meanwhile, at the back of the column of heroes, one of the vicious velociraptors suddenly produces a guitar and starts showing Paul McCartney a new melody for his latest song!
...Totally distracted, the veteran songwriter/timespace assassin fails to notice as the second raptor leaps out from a nearby bush, flings himself at the Beatle’s six pack ...and penetrates his titanium gutplate a second time!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Fractured Lower Intestine!
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the closest of the newcomers into one of the raptors munching on Paul.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Argh! Dinolasers in the jungle! Take this, scaly-feathery bastard!" shouts Davy Crockett, wincing in slight pain as he looks down at the hole in his only natural arm. He reflects that natural limbs are rather overrated.
Taking a slight run up, he readies his Mighty Texas Boot and kicks the burning feathered dinofiend so hard that ...he kicks himself backwards, sailing through the air and landing at the feet of the velociraptor whose face he so recently severed!
"Oh, hello!" he grins, sheepishly. These velociraptors are fiendishly clever foes! he thinks as he readies himself to be gnawed.
Quote from: velociraptor group North
”Ouch.”
Eat Davy Crockett!
(http://www.eatthedamncake.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/velociraptor.jpg)
”Om nom nom grarrhhw!” shouts the velociraptor with a face, as his light lunch suddenly lands at his colleague and, he’s happy to say, his lover’s feet.
...Once again the faceless dinosaur fails miserably in his attempt to bite Davy Crockett, but his lover more than makes up for this failure by ...totally severing Davy Crockett’s right leg with one bite!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severed Leg!
Quote from: brontosaurus
”Argghhr!”
Brontosaurus: DO A BARREL ROLL!
(http://dreager1.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/brontosaurus.gif)
Nearby, at the front of the column of blood, the dying brontosaurus attempts one last killer blow, ...barrel rolling over off a nearby cliff. He falls hundreds of feet, splattering into tiny bits on the jagged rocks at the bottom!
Paul McCartney WHACKS the same raptor Davy's aiming towards with his guitar!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Ah, damn you!” rages Paul McCartney, looking down at the ruined finish on his titanium guts. "I just had these guts fixed up, you know?"
Raising his guitar right above his head, Paul McCartney ...WHACKS it down, totally splitting the clever velociraptor’s skull in two! A tiny, almond sized brain dribbles out as the raptor keels over to the floor!
"Hmm... I had a song for this... Davy, help me get these raptors off and I'll play it for ya'!"
Use three of the Brontosaurus' legs as projectiles and wield the other as a weapon and possible replacement left arm against the three newcomers.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Oh, crikey mates!” wails Steve Irwin, soaked in brontosaurus blood and relieved at having narrowly escaped crushing-by-barrel-rolling-brontosaurus-corpse. ”Erm!”
Stevo reaches down to grab a handful of severed brontosaurus legs, ...hurling one through the air at a nearby tree, dropping another on his foot and, hopping about in pain, wanging one straight through the chest of the burning dinobird that just shot him in the skull! Dinospleen splatters all about as the body falls to the ground!
...Pleased at his marksAustralianship, Steve Irwin gets a firm grip on the last brontosaurus leg and jams it into his left arm stump.
”Crikey! Blimey, mate!” he says, a broad grin of pleasure spreading across his friendly face. ”As good as bleedin’ new!”
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
”Grahhrh!”
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
Finally, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex, seeing one of the velociraptors eat his new friend’s leg off, charges into the attack, massive drooling jaws at the ready!
...He viciously scratches the velociraptor’s chin!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Open to suggestions for either side's dinosaur actions!
Post by: Tiruin on September 17, 2012, 06:45:34 am
Post by: Toaster on September 17, 2012, 07:48:05 am
DOUBLEARMLEGFACE with extreme prejudice.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 17, 2012, 10:39:55 am
((So, Boone's on the loose right now. That might be problematic))
Post by: Toaster on September 17, 2012, 11:16:34 am
Doublearmdoublelegcrocface?
Post by: monk12 on September 17, 2012, 12:51:13 pm
I could always add him to my face.
Doublearmdoublelegcrocface?
And there's plenty of handy Brontosaurus legs about to replace your loss! Assuming Boone doesn't eat them here.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 17, 2012, 12:53:04 pm
I'm afraid those were throughly splattered.I could always add him to my face.
Doublearmdoublelegcrocface?
And there's plenty of handy Brontosaurus legs about to replace your loss! Assuming Boone doesn't eat them here.
Post by: monk12 on September 17, 2012, 12:57:25 pm
Post by: Talarion on September 18, 2012, 01:45:11 am
Post by: freeformschooler on September 18, 2012, 09:58:13 am
Paul McCartney sings a catchy tune about the treachery of his enemies while trying to split another raptor in two - but this time with his CLAYBOARD!
"Mean Mr. Raptor sleeps in the grass
Shaves off some meat from a long-dead dino
Sleeps on his grassy nest
Saving food to feed his kids"
"Ah, wait, no, wrong polarization! Let me try that again."
"Mean Mr. Raptor waits in the grass
Shaves off the head of his poor helpless prey
Eats from a Bronto buffet"
"That's more like it! Strike those heartless raptors now, boys!"
Post by: lawastooshort on September 19, 2012, 07:08:56 am
TURN FOUR!
Quote from: feathered dinosaur duo!
Burn and bite!
(http://www.sdnhm.org/archive/exhibits/feathered/images/dei_head.jpg)
The dinobirds are ready to avenge their fallen brother: they burn and charge directly at Steve Irwin, Dino-slayer Extraordinaire! …The first accidentally pecks himself in the face, but the second pecks Stevo in his new brontosaurus arm! Blood flows heavily!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Pecked Arm!
Wrestle an' Ride one of those DinoBirds TO VICTORY!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Stevo is enraged!
“That’s my new bleedin’ arm, mate! Crikey! I’m gonna bust your face up and-“
…Stevo is so enraged he jumps right over the dinobird’s back and lands flat on his face on the floor!
“Oh, crikey mate!”
Paul McCartney sings a catchy tune about the treachery of his enemies while trying to split another raptor in two - but this time with his CLAYBOARD!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Ah right, much better,” says Paul McCartney, face to face with a velociraptor but still with enough time to get out his latest creation. He starts to play his guitar one handed, the other hand over his shoulder and playing with the pommel of his CLAYBOARD. “How did this one go again?"
"Mean Mr. Raptor sleeps in the grass
Shaves off some meat from a long-dead dino
Sleeps on his grassy nest
Saving food to feed his kids"
"Ah, wait, no, wrong polarisation! Let me try that again."
"Mean Mr. Raptor waits in the grass
Shaves off the head of his poor helpless prey
Eats from a Bronto buffet"
"That's more like it! Strike those heartless raptors now, boys!"
Leading by example, McCartney draws his CLAYBOARD over his shoulder and brings it down, slashing a huge gash in the velociraptor’s chest!
Wound Acquired: Velociraptor: Bleeding Chest!
Dinoblood flows out as Archimedes approaches for a killing maths-blow!
Literal mathematics (Velociraptor 3 + Earth= Fossil) and fix up Mccartney.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Hey Paul,” begins Archimedes, “Check this out!” he continues, …waving his arms and beginning to chant in maths.
“Uh, what, Archy?” wonders Paul, as nothing happens.
“Oh. Blast. Well, how about I see to your fractured guts, dude? I can see bits of them poking out.”
…Archimedes of Syracuse applies a strange smelling ointment and a considerable quantity of bandages to McCartney’s guts. The bleeding has stopped!
Quote from: velociraptor South
”Grahhhr!”
(http://www.eatthedamncake.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/velociraptor.jpg)
Just then the fiendish velociraptor stops looking on at the strange arm waving human in a dress and attacks! He lunges forward, his terrible jaws snapping and …causing another slight scratch on McCartney’s chin!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Bitten Chin!
Quote from: velociraptor group North
”Om nom!”
(http://www.eatthedamncake.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/velociraptor.jpg)
Meanwhile, back at the northern end of the combat, the two horribly mangled velociraptors sense they have Davy Crockett where they want him: on the floor with a severed leg! They dash in to finish him off, ignoring their heavy bleeding, salivating with anticipation.
DOUBLEARMLEGFACE with extreme prejudice.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
But! They hadn’t reckoned on the American’s raging sorrow! Choking back the tears as he sees his beloved Boone and leg hop away from him, he gets to his feet and screams.
"NOOOOOO! BOONE! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, BASTARDS!"
…Suddenly he opens his horribly disfigured mouth as wide as he can, startling his foes with a repulsive display of deformed limbs and exposed internal organs, backed up with harmonies of pulsing livers and hideous facial scarring. Crockett spins like a possessed demon of intestinal expulsion, showering everyone within a hundred feet with visions of mutated deformity.
There is a brief silence.
And then the retching begins!
In front of Davy Crockett, the bleeding velociraptors …both vomit so hard they keel over sideways and die! Catching a splash of dinosick on his chin, Davy has to use all his fabled willpower to …stop himself joining them on the vomity floor! The horror immediately spreads to Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex, who manages to hold everything in …until suddenly his entire stomach contents blast out in one acrid shot, entirely dissolving the velociraptor corpses!
Steve Irwin and his dinobird friends are next in the line of fire, Steve vomiting so hard …he digests his own shorts with the stomach juice dribbling down his front!
“Oh crikey mate!” he shouts. “I’m naked and covered in sick! Again!”
Their eyes caught between fully and frontally nude Steve Irwin and the horrors of Davy Crockett’s face, the dinobirds don’t know where to look!… One is so sick he extinguishes the flames burning his feathers off – but the other chooses to look at Naked Steve! He dies of shame!
Wound Acquired: Velociraptor 1: Fatal Vomiting!
Wound Acquired: Velociraptor 2: Fatal Vomiting!
Wound Acquired: Dinobird: Fatal Shame!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Om nom nom & Rage at the number of juicy morsels nearby!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
Weak from the vomiting, all Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex can do to help is …rush over and bite the final dinobird in half!
Just then, there’s a sudden flash in the sky, and a crazily dressed groovy man with an electric guitar appears floating down to earth!
(http://www.biography.com/imported/images/Biography/Images/Galleries/Jimi%20Hendrix/hendrix_thumb.jpg)
“Hey dudes,” says Jimi Hendrix. “David said our scientists detected some kinda problem with a rogue crocfoot?”
“Oh, yes. That’d be my escaped foot… I really miss him, man.”
“Ok – well, I’m here to do something about that, I’m- OH SHIT DUDES! Did you know there’s a vomit covered dinobird trying to chew your face off, Stevo?”
Jimi Hendrix stops consulting his wrist-mounted crocfoot detector to swing his guitar with a flash of his hand and decapitate the remaining dinobird.
“Now, it looks like your foot’s gone this way, Davy! We need to- WHOA SHIT MAN! Did you know there’s a heavily wounded velociraptor trying to eat you, Paul?”
Jimi stops standing there looking awesome for a second to position his guitar at hip level and let out a stream of heavy calibre rounds towards the heavily wounded velociraptor. It disappears in a cloud of blood and scaly dinosaur flesh.
“Dudes, you shouldn’t leave all these bloodthirsty dinosaurs around, man. Anyway, Davy. It looks like we got a problem. Your foot’s on the loose and my scanner seems to detect it’s moving away at considerable speed. In fact, it already seems to be in the confines of a compound about 2 clicks to the north west.”
“Oh shit,” interrupts Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. “I know where that is. That’s the compound of the evil scientist who kidnapped our Queen. There’s totally no way you can get in there alone.”
“Indeed,” continues Hendrix. “My scanner seems to indicate it’s a pretty heavily guarded facility, man.”
“It is a source of great sadness to my people,” says Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. “Within lies a gifted but perverted scientist, who ceaselessly kidnaps my kin, only to place them in boxes. I have long ago sworn an everlasting vengeance, but it is beyond the power of my tribe. Perhaps…”
“Perhaps…”
“Perhaps…”
“Perhaps… perhaps together we could take down the gifted but perverted scientist, rescue your Queen AND find my beloved Boone?”
“Yes, Davy. If you do this, I will swear allegiance to you and totally help you on your quest!”
“Sweet.”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 19, 2012, 07:34:57 am
Post by: Toaster on September 19, 2012, 08:01:05 am
"I appreciate your help, soldier. Now, as useful as this newfangled leg is, I'm still lopsided without... *sniff* Boone. I see here, however, an opportunity..."
Take the wings off the Dinobirds and attach them to my back. If time allows, skin another dino and make some clothes out of it.
Post by: monk12 on September 19, 2012, 09:24:08 pm
Post by: Toaster on September 19, 2012, 10:17:22 pm
Post by: Talarion on September 20, 2012, 09:45:22 pm
Post by: Zako on September 20, 2012, 09:49:07 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on September 20, 2012, 09:49:22 pm
McCartney strums a quick HEALING SONG for Irwin!
Post by: lawastooshort on September 21, 2012, 07:41:55 am
TURN FIVE!
McCartney strums a quick HEALING SONG for Irwin!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
As the sounds and smells of battle die away, the team take a few brief minutes to regroup.
…First, Paul unholsters his guitar and plays a sexy duet with Jimi Hendrix, totally healing Steve Irwin for a …monstrous three HP! As feeble as the injury-addled playing is, Stevo’s pecked arm still feels totally better!
Get healed.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
…Astonished by the sudden lack of blood pouring down his arm, Stevo leaps up and starts running around in a blaze of supernatural terror, but Jimi soon intervenes, tripping him with a swipe of his electric guitar and jumping on his back until the startled Aussie calms down enough to be released into the wild.
Heal up everyone, I suppose.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
From his vantage point on the floor, Stevo sees Archimedes of Syracuse get ready for some serious healing. First he …slips a plaster clumsily on Steve Irwin’s poorly elbow, gently rubbing it until it feels just like new!
Next Stevo sees Archimedes amble amiably over to Paul McCartney, still jamming away with Hendrix. Without even interrupting the flow of blending melodies, he …slaps a plaster on McCartney’s horribly injured chin!
Last of all, Archimedes approaches Davy Crockett, standing about on his rocket powered monowheel contraption with blood pouring heavily out of his severed leg stump.
“Hmm…” reflects the physician. “I think I have just the thing for that…”
…He expertly sticks on yet another plaster, immediately halting the severe flow of blood! As Davy shakes Archimedes’ hand in thanks, the kindly doctor notices the slight grimace of pain caused by the American’s broken arm, which Davy is too manly to mention. …Archimedes applies a dose of good care and attention, and also an instant-setting plaster cast.
Crockett looks around him.
Take the wings off the Dinobirds and attach them to my back. If time allows, skin another dino and make some clothes out of it.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Whilst Archimedes is finishing off his healing help, Davy Crockett addresses Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
"I appreciate your help, soldier. Now, as useful as this newfangled leg is, I'm still lopsided without... *sniff* Boone. I see here, however, an opportunity..."
Jumping up with inspiration, Davy rapidly defiles the dinobird corpses, tearing off their wings with his teeth and then repeatedly jabbing the remains into his back! As they repeatedly fall to the floor in a flop of leathery skin and dinobits, his expression changes from one of inspired excitement to one more of resigned disappointment.
"Blast!" he cries. ”Oh well, let’s move out, shall we?"
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Also be healed.
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
“Ok, Captain!” responds the enthusiastic Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. “Oh but wait! My ear is still bleeding!”
Mumbling something about it not being entirely obvious, Archimedes dashes over with a final plaster, sticking it kind of in the dinosaur’s ear and hoping for the best. It’s true that his studies of anatomy so far have largely been confined to humans.
Quote from: Jimi Hendrix
Jam for a bit with McCartney.
(http://www.biography.com/imported/images/Biography/Images/Galleries/Jimi%20Hendrix/hendrix_thumb.jpg)
His jamming mostly done and the bowienauts mostly healed, Jimi bangs out one final flourish on his electric guitar.
“Hey, Paul!” he says. “Nice work, man. Perhaps, you know, if you need me another time I’ll be around. I’m needed elsewhere right now though, man. Groovy.”
Suddenly the senior bowienaut fades into a whirl of purple gas, and floats away into the sky, a faint gentle melody following.
“So…” asks Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. “What are you doing down here, dudes?”
“Well,” replies Davy Crockett. “We’ve been sent back in time to kill dinoHitler’s mum, or at least, you know, stop her conceiving dinoHitler. In our world, he is responsible for the deaths of many millions.”
“Oh right.”
The small talk continues as the merry band hack their way through the dense jungle, the constant plucking of McCartney’s strings a gentle accompaniment to the percussive whacks and slashes of blade and claw that clear the path.
”SHIT!” suddenly shouts Steve Irwin, leaping away from one side of the trail. He peers forth into the foliage. ”Crikey! Ah no, mates, it’s ok, it’s nothing… ”
Edward takes point to give Stevo a rest from the pressures of leading through such hostile territory and the column continues, making steady but slow progress.
A short while passes when suddenly Archimedes, in second place in the line and with his machine gun slung loosely at hip level, bumps absent-mindedly into the back of Edward the Tyrannosaurus. The dinosaur is halted, armed raised and palm flat. He turns to the heavily armed doctor.
“Movement!” he whispers. “I thought I saw movement up ahead! About another 25 metres down the trail. It could be nothing, but my dinosenses are tingling, man!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Paul McCartney is still playing a Healing Song!
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on September 21, 2012, 07:50:49 am
"Attacks from the woods? This is my area."
Fade into the trees and stalk what is stalking us.
Post by: Talarion on September 24, 2012, 03:29:00 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 24, 2012, 10:28:23 am
Post by: freeformschooler on September 24, 2012, 09:24:17 pm
Paul McCartney walks out in the direction of the discovered dino-signal and begins playing an ACTUAL ORIGINAL, WRITTEN FOR THIS ADVENTURE PIECE in an attempt to serenade hidden dino foes!
"Call your sisters call your mothers
Boys, boys
Call your fathers call your lovers
Boys, boys
Meet round with me down the hill
Meet round with me if you will
Come down to me by the fire
Come down here to sing-song ville
Call your aunts and call your uncles
Girls, girls
Call your nephews call your nieces
Girls, girls
Meet round with me down the hill
Meet round with me if you will
Come down to me by the fire
Come down here to sing-song ville"
Post by: lawastooshort on September 25, 2012, 03:37:54 pm
TURN SIX!
Fade into the trees and stalk what is stalking us.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Attacks from the woods?" realises Davy Crockett, "This is my area!"
…Without so much as another word, Davy slips away from the main group of adventurers, looking to arc around and take the surprisers by surprise. Five seconds later there is no trace of him, not even the gentle whir of his Monosegway wheel rolling through the jungle.
Wait, and if needed, fire at will. Preferably at enemies.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Paul McCartney chuckles at the back of the line of bowienauts as he watches Davy Crockett ghost off into the jungle.
"Oh, boys, don't ya see? These dinos aren't no different than us. Just lookin for a nice meal, a warm cave and as little trouble as possible!"
… "Er, whatever dude," says Archimedes. "These bastards need to be taken down, and taken down hard!" he cries, finger on the trigger of his M60.
"Have this, you bastards!" shouts the eminent philosopher, "You’re not takin’ me alive!!"
Suddenly Archimedes of Syracuse pushes Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex aside and charges off down the jungle trail. M60 held at the hip, he opens fire, raking the undergrowth from one side to the other with an inferno of bullets.
He’s soon lost to sight, but the sound is easy enough to follow.
Paul McCartney walks out in the direction of the discovered dino-signal and begins playing an ACTUAL ORIGINAL, WRITTEN FOR THIS ADVENTURE PIECE in an attempt to serenade hidden dino foes!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
… "Oh shit," shouts Paul over the hail of gunfire. "That’s blown it! There’s only one thing we can do. I’m gonna have to come up with a brand new song, man – a calming kinda song!" As fast as he can Paul draws his guitar and clears his throat, hoping beyond hope that he can sing louder than an M60 and thereby serenade his hidden foes.
"Call your sisters," he begins, giving a special wink to Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. He turns to Stevo as he continues.
"Call your mothers,
Boys, boys.
Call your fathers, call your lovers,
Boys, boys.
Meet round with me down the hill,
Meet round with me if you will,
Come down to me by the fire,
Come down here to sing-song ville.
Call your aunts and call your uncles,
Girls, girls.
Call your nephews call your nieces,
Girls, girls.
Meet round with me down the hill,
Meet round with me if you will,
Come down to me by the fire,
Come down here to sing-song ville!"
"Crikey!" says Stevo, as the song comes to a close. He has to shout pretty loud to make himself heard over the gunfire still coming from further down the trail. "Nice going! I don’t know about the dinofoes, but I feel pretty serenaded, mate!"
"Thanks, man," says Paul. "You know, sometimes these things just kinda come to me man, it’s like some kind of divine inspiration or something. You know, if I’d been born another time and place, I think I might’ve liked to become like a shaman or a druid or something, you know, communing with nature and all that, I really di-"
"Whoa, shit man!" cries Steve Irwin, interrupting and knocking Paul McCartney to the floor. "Get down! Enemy incoming!"
He glances down to make sure Paul is ok and points as he looks up again.
"Crikey mate! They look totally bloody serenaded! Shit!"
Wait until there's something to wrestle that isn't friendly, then wrestle.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
The gunfire from further along the trail comes to an abrupt stop; at the same time a vicious herd of dinocats burst through the thick jungle.
Just as Stevo knocks Paul to the ground for his own safety, the herd of dinocats stop, backs arched and fur raised.
One hisses and leaps the ten feet between him and Stevo, claws outstretched as he flies.
…Steve Irwin catches the dinocat in midair, executes a perfect Australian Suplex, throws the dinocat in the air, and catches it by its tail. With a flick of his wrist, Stevo smashes the dinocats skull against a nearby tree!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Move after Archimedes.
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
Shrieking with anger, another two dinocats leap forwards to attack, charging at Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. He kicks one dozens of feet into the air and snaps the second in two with his monstrous jaws, but the dinocats keep coming!
“Shit!” shouts Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. ”I don’t know if I can hold them back! Their numbers are too great! There’s too many of them! What chance do we have? They will find us! They will take us! And we will beg for death before the end!”
Paul McCartney gets to his feet to see what all the fuss is about.
He comes face to face with over two dozen ferocious dinocats!
(http://tnypic.net/c0092.png)
Meanwhile, further down the jungle trail, Davy Crockett is wheeling deftly through the creepers and the vines. He’s spotted a sign. Bent double, he follows the faint track through the roots and the leaves. Suddenly, and all but silently, he comes to a very small opening in the jungle canopy.
The sun shines down through the branches.
Just as Davy notices the incessant heavy machine gun fire has stopped, he looks up to observe the small clearing. He sees why the reason for the silence.
In the small clearing there is a large, apparently solid black cube. Before it stands Archimedes, transfixed. Davy walks up to him.
Suddenly Archimedes turns and opens fire on Davy Crockett!
"Keep away man!" yells the Greek above the storm of heavy rounds. "It’s a goddamned box, dude," he screams, apparently having taken leave of his senses.
Davy Crockett leaps to one side and cowers behind a fallen tree trunk as the bullets rip apart the scenery behind him.
"It’s MY goddamned box! And I’m gonna goddamn open it!"
Just then a dinocat falls from the sky and lands next to Davy Crockett and spits in his eye.
(http://tnypic.net/c0092.png)
Meanwhile back up the jungle trail, the leader of the dinocats speaks during a lull in the combat.
”Hahaha! You think you hurt us, tearing us into tiny bits? We have you surrounded! We have your man in a dress transfixed and mesmerised by our special box! Your best fighter is naked! You cannot win!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on September 26, 2012, 08:02:24 am
(http://i.imgur.com/5uTd8.png)
"DINOCATS!!"
Paul McCartney had faced many threats. Overcome many challenges. He had even blown his way out of an evil cat ruler's installation with a rocket launcher. But nothing could have prepared him for the fierce, carnivorous tendencies of a DINO combined with the disarming adorableness of a KITTEN. He had only one choice.
Paul McCartney DIVED INTO THE FOREST COVER to escape while playing a quick healing ditty for himself!
Post by: Toaster on September 26, 2012, 08:58:00 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 26, 2012, 09:01:16 am
1. Dinocats are awesome. 2. Archi is pretty awesome too if he can just shove a t-rex aside.Give me a lever, and I shall move the world.
Stare at cube, attempt to open cube, ponder possible reference to latest episode of a certain british television series.
Post by: Talarion on September 26, 2012, 12:39:41 pm
Wrestle ALL the Dinocats. Yes, ALL of them! In one big dinofuzzy ball!
Post by: Toaster on September 26, 2012, 02:25:24 pm
OHIO LEAP over to Archi and disarm him! Avoid the evil box.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 27, 2012, 05:14:15 am
TURN SEVEN!
OHIO LEAP over to Archi and disarm him! Avoid the evil box.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Calm down, fellow!" shouts Davy Crockett, readying himself to leap into the very jaws of doom. "Calm down!"
He springs his knees and bounces up to LEAP towards Archimedes, aiming himself carefully to avoid the black box.
…A second later he looks down, wondering why he hasn’t moved.
The dinocat is tugging at his wheel, holding him in place!
It leaps up and swipes at Davy’s non-automatic arm, …breaking it in two!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Rebroken Right Arm!
Stare at cube, attempt to open cube, ponder possible reference to latest episode of a certain british television series.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Oblivious to his companion’s nearby life and death struggle, Archimedes tries to stare at the big black box. …He collapses from the effort, and falls to the ground!
Paul McCartney had faced many threats. Overcome many challenges. He had even blown his way out of an evil cat ruler's installation with a rocket launcher. But nothing could have prepared him for the fierce, carnivorous tendencies of a DINO combined with the disarming adorableness of a KITTEN. He had only one choice.
Paul McCartney DIVED INTO THE FOREST COVER to escape while playing a quick healing ditty for himself!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh, bloody ell," realises Paul McCartney with a shudder. "Not-"
He pauses to strum a dramatic chord sequence on his guitar.
(http://i.imgur.com/5uTd8.png)
"DINOCATS!!"
Staring in abject terror, he realises that this could be the end. As a professional bowienaut, Paul McCartney has faced many threats. Defeated many challenges. Blown his way out of an evil cat communist pyramid. Withstood the wrath of Sean Connery. Split a dinosaur’s brain in half with his guitar. Faced SPEEDOSTALIN and lived. But NOTHING has prepared him for this!
…Paul McCartney fights back the desperate urge to stroke the kitty and dives beneath a nearby fern, gently fingerpicking a delicate healing song!
It seems to work quite well!
"Let’s hope," he whispers to himself, "That they didn’t hear!"
Wrestle ALL the Dinocats. Yes, ALL of them! In one big dinofuzzy ball!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"YOU BUGGERS," roars Steve Irwin, "THINK CATCHING ME NAKED IS A PROBLEM!? Crikey, you may be right, but bugger-it-all, I can still do what I do best! Wrestle anythin' reptile till dawn! Yeah! Come get some, reptile pussies!"
Stevo stands up and stretches to his full height, challenging the dinocats in his majestic nakedness. Just then, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex leaps into the fray, attempting to swat a couple of dinocats out of Stevo’s way!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Help Steve Irwin wrestle dinocats!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
…But alas! The two dinocats corner the towering tyrannosaurus, and trick him into trying to stroke their adorable kitty chins!
…The second dinocat rips off Edward the Tyrannosaurus’ leg!
”Arg! I’m hit! They got me, man!” cries the stricken friendly dinosaur as he tumbles into the bushes below him.
"No!" cries Stevo. "Edward!!"
Totally angry, mate, Steve Irwin storms into the bunch of dinocats, wrestling arms at the ready.
Every single dinocat bar one leaps onto Stevo’s vast naked body, clawing and scratching and making sort of creepy dinosaur noises! But Stevo is undeterred, and he flings off first one, then another, and then five more!
(http://tnypic.net/c0092.png)
…One adorable little dinocat is smashed to smithereens against a nearby boulder and explodes in a flash of fur and scales and blood; another is crushed to pieces beneath Steve Irwin’s terrible foot of vengeance! He wades through the crowd of dinocats, swinging their leader like a furry reptilian club until he is close to the fallen Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex, and then suddenly!
A figure rises from the jungle half-light, standing on his two back feet and reaching more than twenty foot above Steve Irwin’s head!
"Oh, crikey mate!" he wails. "Not a bloody dinocat shaman! Jesus!"
(http://i.imgur.com/xfRRL.png)
”Bow down, Steve Irwin!” hisses the dinocat shaman, his claws holding some kind of blue glowing ball of… fur energy. ”For I am Peter, the dinocat Shaman!”
The dinocat shaman throws the furball of energy directly at Stevo’s face: …Steve blocks it with the body of one of the dinocats he is still wrestling! The hapless dinocat explodes!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on September 27, 2012, 05:14:57 am
Post by: Toaster on September 27, 2012, 07:58:14 am
"You bastard! Don't touch my arms!"
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the Dinocat right into the evil box of evil!
Post by: monk12 on September 27, 2012, 10:18:50 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 27, 2012, 10:28:24 am
Post by: freeformschooler on September 27, 2012, 10:40:09 am
Paul McCartney crept out of the fern and yelled toward the DINOCATS!
"Hey, you want some of this, lads?"
He showed a brief sliver of his bloodied guts to entice the DINOCATS.
"Now, on three..."
At the last moment he would pull up his shirt and reveal the full power of his HORRIFYING SOCIALIST SPEEDOGUTS!
Post by: Talarion on September 28, 2012, 09:22:52 am
Post by: lawastooshort on September 28, 2012, 10:38:56 am
TURN EIGHT!
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the Dinocat right into the evil box of evil!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"You bastard! Don't touch my arms!" says Davy Crockett to the dinocat molesting his arm.
…Not even taking a run up, Davy swivels, kicks, and sends the adorable dinocat speeding through the air towards the black box!
…The dinocat hits it and disappears.
Shake off box effects, dodge flying dinocat, fix Davy's arm (again.)
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
…The flying dinocat snapping Archimedes right out of his black box related trance, he belatedly reacts to the flying threat by …throwing himself sideways directly at the black box!
Archimedes hits the black box and disappears.
At the last moment he would pull up his shirt and reveal the full power of his HORRIFYING SOCIALIST SPEEDOGUTS!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Bloody ell," mutters Paul McCartney as his wounds close up in response to the delightful healing ditty. "Oh wait. I said that already. Right so. Trapped behind a fern near a large pack of raving DINOCATS. What's a man to do? Oh, wait up one moment."
Suddenly Paul McCartney creeps out of the fern and yells toward the DINOCATS!
"Hey, you want some of this, lads?"
He shows a brief sliver of his bloodied guts to entice the DINOCATS. A handful come towards him, purring.
"Now, on three... One, two,"
McCartney reveals his hideous and horrifying socialist SPEEDOGUTS!
…The dinocats seem mightily impressed, and gather round the Beatle, rubbing themselves on his ankles and purring hard. One gives him a playful nip on the bum.
(http://i.imgur.com/5uTd8.png)
Just then a terrible scream pierces the jungle air, and several of the dinocats skitter over to where Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex is lying thrashing about in the undergrowth.
…One of the dinocats runs away, the tyrannosaur’s front leg in his jaws!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Fight back!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
Raging with anger and facing a hoard of dinocats, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s teeth snap first this way and then that, until …suddenly he accidentally bites off his own tail!
The remaining dinocats close in for the kill.
(http://tnypic.net/c0092.png)
Wrestle that shaman!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
All the remaining dinocats? No! Not all! For the greatest of them all stands a short distance away, upright on his two hind legs, towering over Steve Irwin, Reptile Subduer and Aussie Extraordinaire.
(http://i.imgur.com/xfRRL.png)
“Crikey mate!” shouts Stevo to the monstrous cat-shaman-dinosaur hybrid. “You’re a feisty little shit aren’t you!”
”Say that again, puny human! Say it again and die!” shouts Peter the Dinocat Shaman. ”My people shall eat you for dinner, you and your puny friends!”
“I said,” shouts Stevo once more, verbally prodding his prey, “You’re a feisty little shit aren’t you! Come ‘ere, big fella! Crikey! I think you just need a little bit of a hug and a few minutes to cool down in a nice box, eh mate!”
”Rawrrrrrrrr!” says Peter the Dinocat Shaman. ”A shameful display! You will pay for your insolence!”
With a deft flick of the wrist Peter the Dinocat Shaman flings another Furball of Shamanic Energy towards Steve Irwin.
…Stevo dodges out of the way, turning at the last second and batting it back towards the shaman with his bionic ear.
…Peter the Dinocat Shaman narrowly avoids the blow!
“Crikey!” shouts Stevo, as he closes with his enemy. “I guess that’s why I prefer to bloody well wrestle, mate! I couldn’t hit the side of a dinocat shaman with a bloody banjo! Oh well, CHARGE!!”
…Steve Irwin charges towards Peter the Dinocat Shaman, diving arms first into a deadly combo move culminating in an incredible Australian Brainbuster! As his prey lies stunned on the floor, Stevo casually bends down and rips out the dinocat’s guts!
Wound Acquired: Peter the Dinocat Shaman: Severed Guts!
“Oh well!” says Stevo, “I guess nobody likes to see that kind of carnage, but if a dangerous reptile won’t submit there’s just nothin’ for it, eh! Crikey! Here,” he adds, signalling to his nearby film crew. “Any of you got a box handy to put this critter in?”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on September 28, 2012, 12:12:32 pm
Pick off the DINOcats pestering Edward with a well-aimed salvo of HE shells.
There is no way such an action can backfire.
Post by: freeformschooler on September 28, 2012, 04:00:26 pm
Just then Paul McCartney burst into the scene swinging his CLAYBOARD about his head!
(http://i.imgur.com/skZyn.png)
"Man down, I think! It's just us three now. What happened to Archy anyway? Bother. Er, take this!"
He charges the DINOCAT SHAMAN with his Clayboard!
Post by: monk12 on September 28, 2012, 10:17:18 pm
"Arch, I'll get the others! We'll save you!"
Pick off the DINOcats pestering Edward with a well-aimed salvo of HE shells.
There is no way such an action can backfire.
RIP Edward, I always liked you
Post by: Zako on September 28, 2012, 11:50:59 pm
Post by: Talarion on September 29, 2012, 02:26:33 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on September 29, 2012, 03:08:06 am
Hate being in Non-Euclidian space?
Post by: monk12 on September 29, 2012, 08:24:11 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on October 02, 2012, 09:44:18 am
TURN NINE!
Pick off the DINOcats pestering Edward with a well-aimed salvo of HE shells.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Arch!" shouts Davy Crockett. "I'll get the others! We'll save you!" he reassures, arming his shoulder-turret and sprinting back down the jungle path towards his comrades. …Accidentally setting it to multi-boom, he plants his feet as soon as he spots the dinocats swarming the fallen figure of Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex and lets loose a well-aimed salvo.
(http://i.imgur.com/5uTd8.png)
“Boom boom boom!” goes the gun.
“Ha! Damn! Yes!” exclaims Davy.
“Boom boom boom!” goes the gun.
“Bother! Oh! Aha!” shouts Davy.
…When the smoke clears, Davy sees pieces of dinocat dripping from the nearby blackened trees and Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s head rise above the outline of scorched grass surrounding him. He calls out to Davy.
“Hey thanks, man, they nearly had me! Oh shit… I think I’m hit…”
As Davy gets closer, he spies the horrible truth! Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s body has been severed!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Fight off the dinocats!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
”Oh well, never mind, eh! I’ve had worse!”
Continue the wrestle!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
A very short distance away, Steve Irwin is fighting man-to-man with the heavily bleeding dinocat shaman, Peter. The shaman is terribly wounded in the guts, and Stevo closes in for the kill!
He tries to grab hold of Peter the Dinocat Shaman’s leg to rip it off and club him to death Outback-style, …but he slips and grabs thin air!
(http://i.imgur.com/xfRRL.png)
Fighting viciously for his life, Peter the Dinocat Shaman circles round and snarls with anger, rolling a new ball of fur-based energy in his hand and …blasting a nearby tree to pieces with it!
Slightly disappointed, he lunges with his razorsharp claws for Stevo’s chest! …He misses totally, losing his footing, rolling to the side, and nimbly leaping back to his feet just in time to come face to face with a charging Beatle!
Just then Paul McCartney burst into the scene swinging his CLAYBOARD about his head!
He charges the DINOCAT SHAMAN with his Clayboard!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
"Oh bother, bugger off," says Paul McCartney to the remains of dinocats dripping from his clothes and from the trees. "Archy's gone! Stevo's locked in combat with a- is that a DINOCAT SHAMAN? Blimey, not again! I'm coming for ya, mate!"
Paul McCartney charges towards the thirty foot tall dinocat shaman.
"Man down, I think! It's just us three now, Stevo! What happened to Archy anyway? Bother. Er, take this!" he cries, addressing Peter directly with his typical boldness.
(http://i.imgur.com/skZyn.png)
Paul McCartney charges towards Peter the Dinocat Shaman, whirling his CLAYBOARD above his head, bringing it down in a terrifying arc and …causing a very slight gash in the Shaman’s leg! A very slight scratch even, one might say!
Peter reels backwards from the pain!
Hate being in Non-Euclidian space?
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
…”Hello? Damn it, this sucks. Hello? Hel-arggggggggg!”
Suddenly, just as Archimedes finishes taking his leather dress off, a dinocat appears out of nowhere, …scratching him in the guts!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Scratched Guts
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on October 02, 2012, 10:27:54 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 02, 2012, 10:33:34 am
Post by: Tiruin on October 02, 2012, 10:35:26 am
Wait...Will the waitlist work in the normal linear fashion, or will you be picking who goes in next?/me whistles nonchalantly.
((Wait what?))
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 02, 2012, 10:37:37 am
Wait...Will the waitlist work in the normal linear fashion, or will you be picking who goes in next?/me whistles nonchalantly.
((Wait what?))
((Well, I want to know, since he chose who were the first four, based on how interesting they were, and I'm wondering if he'll be doing the same for the Waitlist. Because if so, I'm not getting in for a while. Or at least not until McCartney dies. We have to have at least one music guy!))
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 02, 2012, 10:43:59 am
Pretty sure it works like that. Though I doubt anyone's actually going to die. I mean, for an Rtd this thing had a wonderfully low Pc death rate. I believe Tesla is the only one we lost.Wait...Will the waitlist work in the normal linear fashion, or will you be picking who goes in next?/me whistles nonchalantly.
((Wait what?))
((Well, I want to know, since he chose who were the first four, based on how interesting they were, and I'm wondering if he'll be doing the same for the Waitlist. Because if so, I'm not getting in for a while. Or at least not until McCartney dies. We have to have at least one music guy!))
Anyway, Mathemagically blast that cat back into the stone age (Ie, elemental mathematics(Dinocat+ stone))
Post by: Toaster on October 02, 2012, 01:27:38 pm
So wait, is the shaman the only enemy left alive that's not in Archi's box?
Post by: freeformschooler on October 02, 2012, 02:18:04 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"Dude," he says to no dude in particular. "Why am I swinging around this far out hoversword like a character in a history book? I'm a musician, not a barbarian!"
He instead played a GENTLE-LOVING CHORD at Peter the DINOCAT SHAM, boosting the emotional weakening with a quick refrain on his KEYBOARDLEG!
Post by: Toaster on October 02, 2012, 03:27:33 pm
Patch up Edward, trying to unsever his body.
Post by: Talarion on October 02, 2012, 07:12:39 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on October 03, 2012, 02:47:37 am
Wait...Will the waitlist work in the normal linear fashion, or will you be picking who goes in next?
The waitlist works in the normal linear fashion, except for guest appearances, who are selected according to position, interest, and how well they fit the story.
And sorry, yes: the Shaman is the only non-boxed enemy left.
Aim at the Shaman.
Excellent use of clarification.
Post by: monk12 on October 03, 2012, 09:06:08 pm
Post by: Toaster on October 03, 2012, 10:33:57 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on October 05, 2012, 08:05:23 am
TURN TEN!
Patch up Edward, trying to unsever his body.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Deep in the jungle, Davy Crockett stands over his fallen comrade, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex as bullets fly overhead and the sound of battle rages.
“Tell me man,” whispers the hideously wounded dinosaur. “Is it bad? Am I gonna die?”
“Er… no, soldier,” confidently announces the frontiers veteran. “It’s just a severed body, son, you’re gonna be alright! My pal Archimedes is the finest… er… the… least bad physician I’ve ever set eyes upon!”
“Ahghr… it hurts, Davy, good God it hurts…”
…“Don’t worry, Edward, I’m just gonna… Oh. I… er… Blast. Oh well. I guess you didn’t really need that foreleg either, eh?”
Wound Acquired: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex: Severed Front Leg!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Er!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
“Oh, no, don’t worry about that, Davy, they’re all kind of deformed and short and useless anyway! And, you know, since my body was severed, I seemed to have kind of less control over my limbs than before anyway. Oh God, hold me, Davy!”
Davy Crockett crouches down to comfort Edward the Tyrannosaurus’s head with his one good arm. He feels moderately uncomfortable.
He instead played a GENTLE-LOVING CHORD at Peter the DINOCAT SHAM, boosting the emotional weakening with a quick refrain on his KEYBOARDLEG!
(http://tnypic.net/38bc8.png)
Meanwhile, mere feet away, Paul McCartney is hit by a startling realisation!
"Dude," he says to no dude in particular. "Why am I swinging around this far out hoversword like a character in a history book? I'm a musician, not a barbarian!"
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
With his acoustic guitar in one hand and his KEYBOARDLEG in the other, Paul McCartney starts playing a lovely song! He aims his guitar at Peter the Dinocat Shaman!
”I give her all my love
That’s all I do
And if you saw my love
You’d love her too…”
…The effect is immediate!
Quote from: Peter
Break down and cry!
(http://i.imgur.com/xfRRL.png)
Peter the Dinocat Shaman, filled with remorse, flings a half hearted furball of energy …at Steve Irwin, and then suddenly remembers all the loves he left behind to follow the Path of the Dinocat Shaman! He wonders what might have happened if he had settled down with Mary all those years ago… perhaps the world would be a happy, sunny place, filled with dozens of little Peters? Perhaps if…
”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he wails, ”Josephine! WHY DID I NOT ASK YOU TO THE PROM?!”
Peter the Dinocat Shaman starts to cry! He starts to groan! He starts to tear out his hair with grief and nostalgia for what may have been! ‘Tis the worst variety of nostalgia. He throws himself to the jungle floor and rolls about with melancholy.
There is one last thing we must do. Aim for the weak spots! A swift kick to the genitals should be the best option. Aim at the Shaman.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Just then Steve Irwin walks over!
“Alright there, fella! Crikey mate, I thought you lot were meant to have a stiff upper lip, or something like that, eh? You are English, right? Anyway, sorry about this, but there’s one last thing I really gotta do…”
Steve Irwin kicks Peter the Dinocat Shaman in the nads!
…The severed parts fly off in an arc, severing the brain! Both severed parts fly directly into the air, leaving a trail of vapour as they enter the lower atmosphere!
Peter the Dinocat Shaman stops wallowing in despair on the floor.
“Crikey fellas, I think he’s dead! Were you filming that? Oh shit,” adds the Aussie, looking upwards. “Is that what I think it is?”
Suddenly some dinosaur organs fall from the sky at tremendous speed!
Blazing through the sky, they strike …Davy Crockett in the …face, breaking it apart! Blood gushes out, flowing all over Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Broken Face!
Mathemagically blast that cat back into the stone age (Ie, elemental mathematics(Dinocat+ stone))
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
A short distance away, in a very dark box, a dinocat leaps across the emptiness, determined to chew Archimedes of Syracuse’s leg off.
An even shorter distance away, Archimedes of Syracuse is determined not to have his leg chewed off.
“Take this, foul dinocat of some fiendish forgotten plane!” he shouts, waving his arms in mathematical concoction.
…”Oh bugger. I… er… Oops.”
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Stone Leg!
Suddenly, everything stops being black! Standing, apparently, on top of the great big box, Archimedes blinks and looks around, slightly taken aback by this turn of events.
On one corner of the box he sees his nemesis, the small and lovable dinocat.
On the other corner he sees a man.
”Aha!” says the man.
”Are you in the box?”
Everything briefly goes black.
”Or are you not in the box?! Who knows? Not me! Perhaps I am in the box!”
Everything stops being black.
”Ah. No. Apparently not.”
Erwin Schrödinger points a bony finger towards Archimedes.
”Now. You. Naked man. What are you doing in my box? Or out of it? Hmm?”
INTRODUCING: GUEST STAR: ERWIN SCHRODINGER, QUANTUM PHYSICIST, BOX EXPERT, AND CAT MANIPULATOR!
(http://braungardt.trialectics.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/schrodinger-1.jpg)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist and Box Expert (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist and Box Expert (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on October 05, 2012, 08:40:09 am
"Achtung, men!" Erwin said, clapping his hands with a wide smile. "You aren't the quarry I am so used to catching! And so slow are you to the speaking! Why are you hurting my feline friends?!
“Take this, foul dinocat of some fiendish forgotten plane!”
"Bah, no matter. You insult me by your presence, and you insult my knowledge of planes, too?" The Shaman's wailing catches his ears. "W-What have you done to Peter?!"
Post by: Toaster on October 05, 2012, 10:11:10 pm
Fix face by shoving Edward's severed arm into face to make TRIPLEARMLEGFACE
Post by: kisame12794 on October 05, 2012, 11:19:31 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on October 05, 2012, 11:33:53 pm
"This is just what I need for my collection!"
Fix face by shoving Edward's severed arm into face to make TRIPLEARMLEGFACE
(http://i.imgur.com/HvsVx.png)
"My God."
Paul McCartney then switched his focus to the box he had caught brief glimpses of a DINOCAT being sucked into. That must be where Archimedes was! He knew of only one thing to do. He had to overload the box. But with what? Oh, right. He would get by... with a little help from his friends.
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
Post by: Tiruin on October 06, 2012, 12:26:17 am
"Very well. Have it your way. Intrude upon my territory, will you?!"
Catsploitator > anyone who hurts poor Peter!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 06, 2012, 01:28:04 am
Erwin :-\'d at the ignorance he was getting from the rest.We're quite some distance away from the rest of the group, I doubt they heard you.
"Very well. Have it your way. Intrude upon my territory, will you?!"
Catsploitator > anyone who hurts poor Peter!
Anyway, fix own wounds, grab clothes, which for some reason dissapeared again, then, go look for our friends.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 06, 2012, 01:38:54 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 06, 2012, 02:05:30 am
Gosh, Archimedes: that could have been your HEAD.Science doesn't care about what could have been, but about what is.
Except for Quantum physics of course.
Post by: Tiruin on October 06, 2012, 06:16:01 am
We're quite some distance away from the rest of the group, I doubt they heard you.((I was waiting for someone to acknowledge my presence...mainly, you ebbor.
And la needs his maps fixed. :P))
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 06, 2012, 06:41:50 am
Post by: freeformschooler on October 06, 2012, 09:36:23 am
I think Peter's dead. Of a severed brain.
Paul McCartney doesn't necessarily know that!
But I will change my action.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 06, 2012, 03:00:03 pm
I think Peter's dead. Of a severed brain.
Paul McCartney doesn't necessarily know that!
No, I suppose it's fairly reasonable to assume, given previous experience, that this isn't necessarily fatal. Hmm.
Post by: freeformschooler on October 06, 2012, 10:22:55 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/zZw9j.png)
Post by: Toaster on October 06, 2012, 10:26:35 pm
Post by: Talarion on October 10, 2012, 01:06:43 am
Help Edward! Somehow. Knowledge of reptiles, perhaps?
Post by: lawastooshort on October 11, 2012, 07:13:26 am
TURN ELEVEN!
Somewhere in the jungle, by a large black box…
"Achtung, men!" shouts Erwin Schrödinger, clapping his hands with a wide smile. "You aren't the quarry I am so used to catching! And so slow are you to the speaking! Why are you hurting my dinofeline friends?!”
No one replies. The naked man to whom he spoke stands there, …wrapping several metres of bandages around his lightly scratched rippling six pack.
This done, he stands there, thoughtful.
He wraps his stone leg with some of the bandages too.
"Bah, no matter. You insult me by your presence, and you insult my knowledge of planes, too?"
Anyway, fix own wounds, grab clothes, which for some reason disappeared again, then, go look for our friends.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Still ignoring the man who, he figures, could just as well not be there as in fact be there, Archimedes grabs his nearby pterodactyl leather dress, slings it over his shoulder, and heads a little way down down the trail, towards where he imagines his friends to be, his stone leg clumping heavily after him.
Somewhere in the jungle, a little way down the trail from the large black box…
Fix face by shoving Edward's severed arm into face to make TRIPLEARMLEGFACE
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"This is just what I need for my collection!" shouts Davy Crockett gleefully, in the jungle somewhere, a little way down the trail from a large black box. Holding Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s arm before him like a medieval crown, he bends on one knee, grits his teeth, …and smacks himself right in the broken face with the severed dino-limb.
He falls over sideways to the ground with the pain.
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex
Ouch!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
”Oucchhh!” whimpers the once proud but now mostly severed dinosaur. ”The pain!”
Help Edward! Somehow. Knowledge of reptiles, perhaps?
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Don’t worry mate!” says Steve Irwin, crouching down nakedly next to Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex, ”I’ll save you! You know, fella, I’ve wrestled an awful lotta crocs in my time, so, by crikey, I’m sure I can do something with…”
…Suddenly Stevo spots Edward’s severed tail wriggling about in the undergrowth. He leaps in after it, …and wrestles the blighter into submission!
”Crikey mate! How you feeling now, fella?”
”Oh!” says Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex. ”Much be- Oh God, no, the pain! Ouch!”
Paul McCartney then switched his focus to the box he had caught brief glimpses of a DINOCAT being sucked into. That must be where Archimedes was! He knew of only one thing to do. He had to overload the box. But with what? Oh, right. He would get by... with a little help from his friends.
(http://i.imgur.com/HvsVx.png)
As Davy Crockett collapses in pain, Paul McCartney recoils in horror.
"My God."
He decides instead to dash up the jungle path where he had caught brief glimpses of… SOME KIND OF DASTARDLY BOX?
Paul McCartney recoils in horror again, his pleasant and once innocent mind aghast at the terrors man wreaks upon his fellow beings! The only thing he can do – surely – is to summon a storm of otherworldly frogs!
Stopping and crouching on one knee, McCartney points both arms up the trail and starts to sing. …Suddenly clouds form, the sky darkens to a deep green, and a vast torrent of frogs blasts down from above, spurting right into the scientific black box!
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
A hundred frogs; a thousand frogs; TEN THOUSAND FROGS rain down, shooting through the box and disappearing into the uncertain void within!
Suddenly there is an enormous cracking sound; a horrifying breach in the jungle plane opens up, splitting the box from end to end, and then! Lo! A thousand foot tall dinofrogcat bursts out, towering terrifyingly above the entire world about!
Just as suddenly it disappears, sucking down like a whirlwind into the fiendish black box.
And just as suddenly it reappears, in a repulsive new form of HALFDINOFROGCAT, blood and guts and even raw pulsing brain visible down the horrible sliced open side, reptilian scales and furry fur mixing with the long slimy frog tongue of an old world long since banished, but come to return at McCartney’s command!
The HALFDINOFROGCAT speaks out of its halfmouth, its one eye staring balefully down at the puny creatures below as bits of it drip down the vertical open wound where its middle once was.
”You!” it rasps with a voice like… a mutated halfdinofrogcat, ”You have summoned me! But I am summonable by no man! I… am… HALFDINOFROGCAT, TERRY, THE GOD OF SMALL AND TERRIBLE THINGS THAT HAVE SOMEHOW GROWN FAR TOO LARGE! AND I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!”
Terry the HALFDINOFROGCAT god immediately stomps down with his one rear foot, smashing down upon where … Paul McCartney stood just half a second ago.
McCartney gets up from the bush he’s just rolled into, and stares upwards, straining his neck and his eyes to see the top of the monstrosity his musical talent has just brought forth.
(http://i.imgur.com/HvsVx.png)
"My God."
Suddenly a thousand foot long halftongue darts forth, shooting into the undergrowth and snapping up the broken body of Peter the Dinocat Shaman, reeling it back in and gobbling it up as a human might gobble up a breath of air.
(http://i.imgur.com/xfRRL.png)
Catsploitator > anyone who hurts poor Peter!
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg/220px-Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg)
Schrödinger looks on with a mixture of anger and barely concealed science-excitement. But suddenly he realises his loss!
"W-What have you done to Peter?!"
Schrödinger drops to his knees in despair.
"Peter!" he cries, seeing the friend with whom he’d spent so many long evenings sipping Gewurztraminer and discussing the evils of political extremism gobbled up by a monstrously long tongue. "No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Very well. Have it your way. Intrude upon my territory, will you?! Summon a thousand foot tall HALFDINOFROGCAT god of darkness, will you?!" he shouts, at Archimedes and the bowienaut in the bush. He turns to face the thousand foot tall god of small and terrible things that have somehow grown far too large. "Eat the body of my friend, will you?! I CALL FORTH UPON THEE A PLAGUE OF YON FINEST CATS! BEHOLD!"
Turning in a slow circle, Erwin Schrödinger points his finger out towards his many foes, …spuming forth an endless blast of cats, slowing down reality itself with a catsplosion of lovely purring kitties!
As a treacle of cats stops all about him, the deadly quantum physicist points his other hand upwards towards the towering half-god.
"Take this, you bastard!"
He fires a cat directly out of his sleeve. It shoots forth, …causing Terry to jump aside to dodge the incoming catmissile.
When he lands the earth doth tremble!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
All characters except for Schrödinger slowed by the catsplosion until it is culled (Schrödinger effectively has double turns).
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist and Box Expert (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on October 11, 2012, 07:28:07 am
"Blast this. Now you dare to interfere with my SCIENCE! Amphibians be damned!"
Erwin Schrödinger pulls out his Quantum Mechanics, Vol. III book and recites from it a verse. What we observe as material bodies and forces are nothing but shapes and variations in the structure of space.
He blinks, then turns to face you all.
"I swear there were more of you.." Erwin says, as he reloads with another cat.
Hurl ye Third Edition @ Terry, Follow it up with another cat!
"When I'm done with this, I'll finish you all off! Tampering with my work just like Hitler! Curse this!"
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 11, 2012, 10:07:24 am
Terry, amused by the puny mortal's fury of tiny mammals, counters with his own volley of tiny AMPHIBIANS! Much more effective.
Post by: Tiruin on October 11, 2012, 10:09:05 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 11, 2012, 10:12:39 am
Post by: freeformschooler on October 11, 2012, 11:04:50 am
"RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!"
Paul McCartney, horrified by his own creation, decided to continue running toward the location of DINOHILTER'S MUM (northwest)? Perchance he could bait TERRY into an epic battle with the NAZISAURUS leader!
Post by: Yoink on October 11, 2012, 12:07:29 pm
>Clean self and nap!
Post by: Toaster on October 11, 2012, 01:55:50 pm
DOUBLEARMLEGFACE Terry and ALL the cats. All of them.
Post by: Talarion on October 12, 2012, 02:00:05 am
Post by: lawastooshort on October 16, 2012, 02:41:18 am
”And then!” says the second dwarf, who, it appears, has been talking for some time, ”And then, I kicked the bastard dinocontraption so bastard hard that it did fly!”
The first dwarf, carefully examining the remnants of the pint of rum so recently occupying his finely carved mug, raises a questioning eyebrow.
”Yep! It blasted right through a dozen buildings like… like… axes through elves! And then! It hit the bastard enemy so hard that it did explode! And what an explosion it was – the ball of fire reached a hundred thousand feet, and everything turned red, and every enemy all about was struck down as if by the vengeful magma of Armok himself! Yea, and me and my companions, blessed by the Miraculous Underpant of Lumithos, were not touched by yon vengeful magma, no! And THAT, my son, THAT is the true story behind this engraving of Urist engraving himself engraving himself engraving himself engraving the masterwork image you see adorning the walls of this wondrous dining hall…”
As the second dwarf ends his tale and closes his eyes to remember, the first dwarf leans forward, looking into the second dwarf’s mug. It is half full of sunshine. With the second dwarf’s eyes still closed, the first dwarf pours it into his own mug.
“I think you’ve had more than enough of that, grandpa…” he mumbles to himself, as he kicks back his stone chair and rises to leave. “More than enough…”
(http://tnypic.net/03696.png)
Post by: Toaster on October 16, 2012, 07:44:32 am
Awesome.
Post by: Tiruin on October 16, 2012, 08:16:40 am
Awesome.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 16, 2012, 10:51:39 am
Awesome.
Post by: USEC_OFFICER on October 16, 2012, 10:56:17 am
Awesome.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 16, 2012, 11:13:22 am
Awesome.
Post by: Talarion on October 16, 2012, 04:11:25 pm
Awesome.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 16, 2012, 04:24:18 pm
TURN ELEVEN!
Somewhere in the jungle…
Erwin Schrödinger pulls out his Quantum Mechanics, Vol. III book and recites from it a verse. What we observe as material bodies and forces are nothing but shapes and variations in the structure of space.
Hurl ye Third Edition @ Terry, Follow it up with another cat!
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg/220px-Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg)
"Blast this!" successfully curses Erwin Schrödinger, seeing yet another box experiment come up with an unexpected and barely explainable result. "Now you dare to interfere with my SCIENCE! Amphibians be damned!" he yells, blinking with astonishment and turning, puzzled, at the bowienauts.
"I swear there were more of you..." Erwin says, as he reloads with another cat up his sleeve. He peers forward. "Perhaps there are..."
From his other sleeve he pulls out a hefty tome: his treasured Quantum Mechanics, Vol. III.
"Hmm..." he ponders. "I'm not terribly sure what might be most appropriate..." He flicks through a few pages, oblivious to the life and death struggle around him. He absentmindedly strokes one of the cats bothering his ankles.
"Oh yes," he realises. "Rather obvious, really. How silly of me. Hey! You!"
He is talking now to Terry, the thousand foot tall dinofrogcat half-god.
"What we observe as material bodies and forces are nothing but shapes and variations in the structure of space!" he says, apropos of seemingly nothing. ”Oh yes, and take this!” he finishes, hurling the deadly physics book straight at Terry's one hundred and fifty foot wide face.
...It misses completely.
"Oh. Bother. Oh well, take this then!"
Erwin Schrödinger aims his arm directly up at Terry's face towering above him. ...A cat blasts out, flying nearly a thousand feet and smacking Terry right in the nose!
Wound Acquired: Terry the Dinofrogcat Half-god: Facial Injury!
Erwin turns back to the science hating bowienauts.
"When I'm done with this, I'll finish you all off! Tampering with my work just like Hitler! Curse this!"
Attempt to puzzle Edward back together. Multiply that, and install the Solar death Ray
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Damnations and blast!” mumbles Archimedes, mostly to himself. “Can’t trust a damnable rat-hatted barbarian to perform a delicate surgical operation without him falling to the floor in excruciating pain! No! It needs someone with… someone with a keen sense of mathematics! Someone who can keep count of how many limbs there should be! Someone who can keep calm in the face of…”
Archimedes looks up, vaguely aware of some undefined presence. A terribly loud and vast presence, which seems to be shouting terrifying threats at his medically incompetent friends.
“… a thousand foot tall dinofrogcat half-god?” he finishes, momentarily taking his eye off the task at hand. “Gosh. Blimey. I’m… I’m going to need… some MATHS!”
...Halfway through ramming a third pussy cat into Edward the Tyrannosaurus Rex’s severed body stump, Archimedes stops, blurts out the first complex formula that comes to mind, and immediately drops the cat, stepping back in worried amazement.
“I say.”
For the second time in several seconds he looks up, this time very much aware of a rather obvious presence.
“I er… I seem to have created a hundred foot tall Tyrannosaurus Cat? Bother. Sorry!”
He immediately fondles about in his dress pockets for his solar death ray, but first he remembers he’s entirely naked, and then he remembers he’s tripping over a cat. He falls to the floor in very slow motion, where his fall is cushioned by a slow moving carpet of cat.
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat
Erm!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
Fully one hundred foot tall and with his body now entirely made of mathemagically propagated cats, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat roars in defiance at the thousand foot tall dinofrogcat half-god, the sound escaping his great jaws at snail’s pace.
...He too is overwhelmed by the sheer amount of cat, and his brain slows down to a dangerously slow pace!
DOUBLEARMLEGFACE Terry and ALL the cats. All of them.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Covering fire!"
The legendary Crockett has no such problem! He is a frontiersman, a legend of the West: he knows how to deal with plagues of cats! Staring the nearest little blighter right in the eye, he captures the feline's attention for just long enough to-
No!
Oh God!
Yes!
Oh!
Davy Crockett can't help himself but to pronounce a strange utterance; a sequences of sounds he has heard before only in the mouth of his dear and, importantly, Australian companion Steve!
“Crikey mate!”
...First one cat; then a second; then a third – and then a number beyond counting! All project forth such tremendous quantities of burning and tumultuous gutspit, such horrifying amounts of steaming and voluminous retchfroth, that almost at once, in the mere space of a blink, Davy Crockett is blasted upwards: first a dozen feet; then a hundred; then – yea! A thousand feet directly upwards into the air!
He comes face to face with Terry, the wrathful half-god.
“Hello! I... er...”
The wrathful half-god winces. And then he bellows. He bellows as a wrathful half-god might had he very recently stubbed his toe on the leg of a chair. He winces as he would were he in the process of clearing his blocked drain, again, with his bare hand. The one the neighbours did complain about shortly after the third turd in one weekend floated under the fence and into their back garden.
“OHCHRISTOHGODWHATTHEHELLISWRONGWITHYOURFACE?!?”
And then the sun is blotted out.
Paul McCartney, horrified by his own creation, decided to continue running toward the location of DINOHITLER'S MUM (northwest)? Perchance he could bait TERRY into an epic battle with the NAZISAURUS leader!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"RUN AWAAAAAAAAY!" yells valiant Paul McCartney, horrified by his own creation.
...He stands rooted to the spot, horrified by the creation of his creation.
Follow McCartney.(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
“Oh, crikey mate!” wails Stevo, seeing the monstrous half-god. “Spot on, Paulo! Let's bugger right off!”
...He runs immediately to follow the stationary Paul, smashes straight into him, and falls to the ground, face up.
He has the good sense or, possibly, merely quick instinctive reactions to turn and cover his face as the stomach contents of the thousand foot tall half-god rain down.
Curse as my day gets rained upon again.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg/220px-Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg)
...”Oh...” mumbles Erwin Schrödinger, as an endless rain of god's vomit descends upon him. ”Oh bother...”
Quote from: The Spirit of Terry, Half-God
Terry, amused by the puny mortal's fury of tiny mammals, counters with his own volley of tiny AMPHIBIANS! Much more effective.
Merely vomiting a small lake does not deter Terry, THE GOD OF SMALL AND TERRIBLE THINGS INCLUDING VOMIT THAT HAVE SOMEHOW GROWN FAR TOO LARGE! Well, not entirely. In a brief break from emptying his breakfast and the half-digested Peter the Dinocat Shaman from his bottomless stomach, he raises one finger to his nose.
He snorts a tremendous snort!
A shower of frogs shoots out, spattering down upon the puny humans below!
...All bar Archimedes of Syracuse escape unharmed: but the venerable Greek is hit in the left arm by a speeding frog! Both are shattered!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Fractured Left Arm!
Quote from: The Spirit of the Lone Dinocat
Clean self and nap!
Meanwhile, as amphibians and gut-expurgation descend all around, Joe the Lone Dinocat tries to lick himself clean before his mid-hour nap.
...He is soon retching hard, choking on a half-digested morsel trapped at the back of his throat. He feels distressingly awake.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
All characters except for Schrödinger slowed by the catsplosion until it is culled (Schrödinger effectively has double turns).
Bowienauts have +1 maths bonus to hit (two turns).
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist and Box Expert (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 16, 2012, 04:45:44 pm
Post by: Tiruin on October 16, 2012, 08:42:12 pm
Erwin mumbles to himself about the incompetence of vomit while stroking a white kitty, his sleeves slowly eating it up. And then shooting it at the abomination that isn't a cat!
"If you want something done right," Activate Master of Uncertainty "I've got to do it myself."
For a brief period in time, his thoughts wandered back to when his boxes contained bundles of mirth and joy...
Now it only contained evil.
"Get in the box ye damned frog..."
Post by: Talarion on October 17, 2012, 01:32:49 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 17, 2012, 07:35:45 am
Post by: Toaster on October 17, 2012, 08:12:41 am
Full round of HE rounds right at his HALFDINOFACE.
Post by: freeformschooler on October 18, 2012, 07:10:27 am
"BOTHEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!"
Paul McCartney did that thing he was going to do before the ten bajillion foot tall halfgod paralyzed him with fear!
Post by: Toaster on October 18, 2012, 08:16:50 am
Post by: Tiruin on October 18, 2012, 09:06:09 am
Seriously though, what's the story with that awesome art?Which awesome art?
Post by: Toaster on October 18, 2012, 09:10:25 am
Post by: freeformschooler on October 18, 2012, 10:46:02 am
Post by: Toaster on October 18, 2012, 11:30:26 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 18, 2012, 11:46:30 am
Post by: lawastooshort on October 18, 2012, 01:59:12 pm
Lawas donated to the development of Dwarf Fortress and asked for that as a reward.
Yes.
Ah- didn't know if it was a request or if one of the Brothers Adams liked it.
Apologies for the truth not being quite so awesome...
Post by: lawastooshort on October 29, 2012, 07:04:08 am
Stupidly I had fifteen minutes spare earlier but spent them working out a bit more of a system for Yogic Power Melee.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 31, 2012, 05:52:38 am
TURN TWELVE!
Delay-related recap…
Somewhere in the jungle, on a different Earth and in a different Time, the four bowienauts and, for some reason, Erwin Schrödinger, are all but drowning in cats and vomit as they fight half a thousand foot tall dinofrogcat god. Their mission? To assassinate DinoHitler’s mum, and thereby save the other Earth from a nightmare of eternal Evil. Obviously.
Somewhere in the jungle…
Erwin mumbles to himself about the incompetence of vomit while stroking a white kitty, his sleeves slowly eating it up. And then shooting it at the abomination that isn't a cat!
Activate Master of Uncertainty
"Get in the box ye damned frog..."
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg/220px-Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg)
"Bloody blazes, can't any one of you do anything right?" shouts Erwin Schrödinger, covered in god-vomit. "Damn this incompetent vomit!" He surreptitiously strokes a nice fluffy white kitten, who doesn’t seem to notice he is disappearing up Schrödinger’s sleeve.
"If you want something done right," he exclaims, pointing the aforementioned sleeve in the air towards the enormous Terry’s enormous face, "I've got to do it myself."
The kitten blasts out, …smacking the thousand foot tall abomination right on the cheek but barely scratching the surface!
"Balls," mumbles Erwin, preparing himself for the inevitable counter-attack. He quickly looks about in one of his science tomes for something appropriate, realises he might not even be there, and lets a little gasp of joy escape when he sees that in fact he might be three feet to his left. Or just over there! Who knows! Not Erwin!
…The bowienauts look on in surprise as three Erwin Schrödingers suddenly stop what they are doing and become all pensive.
Oh… emos Schrödinger, My boxes used to be such lovely things… That bloody Hitler…
Remember that my Left arm is made of water, and therefore unbreakable. Find robes, and deploy the solar laser.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Remembering that his left arm is, in fact, made of water, and therefore unbreakable, Archimedes uses the considerable power of his intellect to will his broken arm into unbrokenness. Feeling quite pleased with himself about vanquishing matter with his mind, he searches about for his clothes!
…But alas! He merely manages to run as fast as he can through the cats and vomit, sprinting in a great circle around the giant angry half-god, waving his arms and his nudity for all to see!
He trips on a cat and crashes to the ground, sliding along in the rancid stomach juice and smacking his head on a nearby rock.
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Smashed Head!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat
Do honourable single combat with Terry!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
Skipping out of the way of the ancient Greek sliding along in the sick beneath his feet, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat manages to finally process the vast quantity of cats disturbing his vision and charges into honourable single combat with the half-god ten times taller than he is!
”Rarrrwwrw!” he roars, intimidatingly!
…Despite his target being ten times taller than him, Edward totally misses. He looks despondent.
Full round of HE rounds right at his HALFDINOFACE.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
There’s only one thing for it: Terry the Dinogod has to go before he makes any more mess!
"Sorry, Dinogod, but it's time to go," announces Davy Crockett. "Before you make any more mess!"
Aiming at the vulnerable side of his HALFDINOFACE, Davy uses all his experience and cunning to fire off a full round of …one HE round at the vicious and dripping dinofrogcat half-god!
…The round goes right into the side of his fifty foot long half-nose, sticking in and exploding with a vast shower of blood and mucus!
With a great creaking sound the nose suddenly drops off!
Wound Acquired: Terry: Severed Nose!
"Well…" mutters Davy, before spitting on the ground.
Suddenly an enormous nose lands several feet away from him!
Paul McCartney did that thing he was going to do before the ten bajillion foot tall halfgod paralyzed him with fear!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"BOTHEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!" cries Paul McCartney, testing out his new battlecry. "OH DEAR!!"
…He flees as hard as he can to the north west…
RUUUUUNNN!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
……and is closely followed by Steve Irwin, getting to his feet as fast as he can and not even bothering to half-heartedly wipe the catsick off his bronzed naked body. He soon overtakes the running Beatle.
Quote from: The Spirit of Terry, Half-God
STOMPATRON! STOMPATRON THEM AAAAAAAALL!
”Nooooooo!” screams Terry the Half-God in a furious rage. ”Paul McCartney is getting away!”
STOMPATRONNING the ground in his anger, he …STOMPATRONS Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat into a mixture of Tyrannosaurus Cat and Tyrannosaurus Cat paste, sending hundreds of kittens flying into the air with the ground-shaking shock waves, and storms off as fast as he can towards the north west.
”McCartney!!” he shouts, raising his one arm above his half-head. ”MCCARTNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY!!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
All characters except for Schrödinger slowed by the catsplosion until it is culled – the cats are following you all (Schrödinger effectively has double turns).
Bowienauts have +1 maths bonus to hit (one turn).
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist and Box Expert (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 31, 2012, 10:13:54 am
HE MUST NOT GET AWAY.
Post by: Toaster on October 31, 2012, 11:31:55 am
"Time to die, false halfgod!"
Rocketleg jump to DINOHALFGOD and activate the Bowie Knife!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on October 31, 2012, 11:38:32 am
Post by: Tiruin on October 31, 2012, 12:17:58 pm
This does not matter. Quantum suicide matters.
That is not my construct. It is theirs.
Eliminate the opposing variable. Affix the integer of i.
Alpha Strike.
Catsploitate any attack that wishes to harm the other humanoids! Meaning hit Terry!
Smite Terry, if not dead, using a time-proven passage from The Second Volume of Quantum Mechanics.
Post by: freeformschooler on November 06, 2012, 07:39:30 pm
Paul McCartney looked in horror as Terry the Half-god came rushing after him. He felt connected to the Action Heroes of times past. Harrison Ford. William Shatner. Marcus Aurelius. But he wasn't a fighter, man! He instead imagined himself as Harrison Ford running from a large, rolling stone. One slip and that was it! The exit: DinoHITLER.
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png): "I need a song for this!" McCartney took out his guitar as he ran, strapping one end around his back so he play on the go. "But which one? Hmmm..."
Paul McCartney's thoughts traced back to that girl at the concert he'd gone to just before the band broke up. What was her name? Linda. Sounded right. He never met her since, but he knew if he got back to Liverpool, he'd have to meet her again. Maybe start a band with her. Maybe something more. But this guitar, his teammates and the memory of Linda were all he had.
"Don't let me down," he strummed, staring down at his instrument at Terry tore after him. Don't let me down indeed.
"Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down
Nobody ever hate me like he does
Oh, he does, yeah, he does
And if somebody hunt me like Terry do
Oh, he hates me, oh he do"
(http://i.imgur.com/KOTti.png)
McCartney unstrapped his guitar from his shoulders!
"Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down
I'm alive for the first time
Don't know if it's gonna last
And this chase won't be forever
And this chase may be my last"
(http://i.imgur.com/dFPBQ.png)
He pointed it at Terry as he ran, preparing to inundate him with PURE LOVE!
"And from the first time that he saw me
Oh, he hate me, he hate me good
I guess nobody ever should summon frogs
Oh, they scary, they scare me good
Don't let me down, hey don't let me down
Heeeeey, don't let me down"
Post by: Talarion on November 07, 2012, 10:26:15 pm
"What am I doing, running? Crikey!"
Tackle Terry, wrestle him into submission, and ride him... to face DinoHITLER's mother.
Post by: lawastooshort on November 12, 2012, 08:50:25 am
TURN THIRTEEN!
Delay-related recap…
Somewhere in the jungle, on a different Earth and in a different Time, the four bowienauts and, for some reason, Erwin Schrödinger, are all but drowning in cats and vomit as they fight half a thousand foot tall dinofrogcat god. Their mission? To assassinate DinoHitler’s mum, and thereby save the other Earth from a nightmare of eternal Evil. Obviously.
Somewhere in the jungle…
Fix Edward. Again. Also grab cloak.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Somewhere in the jungle, there sits a philosopher. An ancient Greek philosopher. A wise and knowledgeable man. A man so learned in the ways of mathematics that he can manipulate the very fabric of reality itself. A man who has quite literally invented the art of medicine singlehandedly. A man who, after several minutes of …busily bending over the pureed lower body of Edward, the brave and loyal Tyrannosaurus Cat, realises that there is nothing further he can do and, straightening up next to the bandage-wrapped dino-fiend, …suddenly leaps to his feet, running around entirely naked yet again, gyrating his groin in a suggestive manner at several scandalised ferns, stepping over the cats and vomit that litter the ground, flailing his arms this way and that before, once more, tripping over a nearby furry obstacle and diving head first into a tree.
”Gngnngggngngg!” groans Archimedes to the tree.
The tree ignores him.
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Gashed Head!
Quote from: The Spirit of Terry, Half-God
DemiDeathTongue McCartney!
”MCCARTNEYYYYY!!!” screams the wrathful Terry. ”YOU WILL PAY!” he shouts, lumbering after the fleeing Beatle. Suddenly he spies the lovely liverpudlian through a gap in the jungle foliage.
(http://i.imgur.com/KOTti.png)
”HE MUST NOT GET AWAY!” he blasts, in a suddenly strange voice.
”No!” realises Erwin Schrödinger, the nearest thing present to a demi-god expert. ”Not the voice that signals the impending release of the demi-god demi-death tongue! NOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Catsploitate any attack that wishes to harm the other humanoids! Meaning hit Terry!
Smite Terry, if not dead, using a time-proven passage from The Second Volume of Quantum Mechanics.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg/220px-Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg)
Before the endless tongue can finish coiling up and shoot out of Terry’s mouth, Erwin Schrödinger hurriedly aims his sleeve at the thousand foot tall monstrosity and shoots a kitten right into his eye.
…But just at that second Terry blinks! The kitten bounces off his half-godly eyebrow, tumbling a thousand feet to the ground.
”MCCARTNEYYYYY!!!” comes a voice like thunder once more. ”TURN AND FIGHT, YOU HEATHENOUS DAMN HIPPY! TURN AND LET ME EAT YOU LIKE THE PRAWN CRACKER YOU KNOW YOURSELF TO BE!”
Paul McCartney stops. He cannot help himself. He turns. He faces Terry.
…Suddenly a gigantic tongue shoots out towards him, lashing itself around a hundred foot tall tree next to the terrified Beatle and ripping it out of the ground. The ground McCartney is standing on suddenly whips into the air! Tree, ground and Beatle fly helplessly towards Terry’s enormous mouth a thousand feet up!
”My Goodness,” mumbles Schrödinger to no one in particular. ”This is a travesty to my work.
This does not matter. Quantum suicide matters.
That is not my construct. It is theirs.
Eliminate the opposing variable. Affix the integer of i. Cast down the enormo-deathtongue.
Alpha Strike. Time… TIME FOR PHYSICS.”
With McCartney nearly five hundred feet up in the air, flying towards Terry’s terrible mouth, Erwin starts searching about his layers of clothing.
He pulls out a book.
”The… Blimey. This one looks suitably complicated,” decides the black belt quantum physicist, hefting the book in his hand. He wangs it straight into the air.
…Quantum Mechanics, Vol. II smashes Terry right in the mouth! Blood streams forth! It is, even from the ground far below, very clearly fractured!
Wound Acquired: Terry: Fractured Mouth!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat
Do more honourable single combat with Terry!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
Many feet below, Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat sees his ally Paul McCartney fly upwards towards his doom, and acts in desperation. He bites Terry on the knee!
…Terry collapses to the ground in pain, his knee entirely severed!
McCartney continues to fly upwards towards his doom!
Wound Acquired: Terry: Severed Knee!
Rocketleg jump to DINOHALFGOD and activate the Bowie Knife!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Sprinting after the half-god chasing down his floppy-haired English friend, Davy Crockett has had enough!
This was it. This dinohalfgod's rampage had to stop. It was now or never.
"Time to die, false halfgod!" he screams, just as Terry falls to his one knee. Crockett blasts into the air, powered by the roaring rocketness of his rocket-powered Segway-leg and with his broken right arm dangling limply by his side. He has just enough time to think that this is ridiculous before finding himself level with where he imagines Terry’s heart must be. He reaches for his trusty bowie knife. His beloved bowie knife. The bowie knife that he used to fight his way out of the Alamo and into this dismal future.
Davy Crockett grimaces through the pain.
He grips his bowie knife.
Sorry, Judith, he mumbles, seemingly to no one. I’m gonna have to let you go, girl…
Davy Crockett thrusts his bowie knife into Terry’s chest! Terry roars in agony!
…He seems to have fractured the false halfgod’s heart!
Could Terry stumble any further onto his severed knee, ‘tis sure that the fiendish dinofrogcat would. He is most grievously wounded!
Wound Acquired: Terry: Fractured Heart!
McCartney took out his guitar as he ran, strapping one end around his back so he play on the go.
He pointed it at Terry as he ran, preparing to inundate him with PURE LOVE!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
Paul McCartney looks in horror as Terry the Half-god’s mouth comes rushing towards him. He feels his deep and undisputable connection to the Action Heroes of times past. Harrison Ford. William Shatner. Marcus Aurelius. But he’s not a fighter, man! He instead is suddenly visited by a vision. A vision of himself as Harrison Ford running from a large, rolling stone. One slip and that was it! The exit: DinoHITLER.
"I need a song for this!" McCartney takes out his guitar as he rises on the mound of earth and tree, strapping one end around his back so he play on the go. "But which one? Hmmm..."
Paul McCartney's thoughts trace back to that girl at the concert he'd gone to just before the band broke up. What was her name? Linda. Sounded right. He never met her since, but he knew if he got back to Liverpool, the old Liverpool, the free Liverpool, he'd have to meet her again. Maybe start a band with her. Maybe something more. A range of vegetarian pies perhaps. But not now. This guitar, his teammates and the shining memory of Linda are all he has!
"Don't let me down," he strums, staring down at his guitar as Terry’s fractured and bleeding mouth bears down on him. Don't let me down indeed, man.
"Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down
Nobody ever hate me like he does
Oh, he does, yeah, he does
And if somebody hunt me like Terry do
Oh, he hates me, oh he do"
Suddenly McCartney unstraps his guitar from his shoulders! From somewhere drums seem to play!
"Don't let me down, don't let me down
Don't let me down, don't let me down
I'm alive for the first time
Don't know if it's gonna last
And this chase won't be forever
And this chase may be my last"
(http://i.imgur.com/dFPBQ.png)
He points it at Terry as he flies helplessly towards the vast dinofrogcat’s mouth, preparing to inundate him with PURE LOVE!
"And from the first time that he saw me
Oh, he hate me, he hate me good
I guess nobody ever should summon frogs
Oh, they scary, they scare me good
Don't let me down, hey don't let me down
Heeeeey, don't let me down"
Suddenly horns and bass and harmonious backing vocals appear out of the sky as if the music of a thousand angels, and a beam of PURE LOVE shoots out the end of McCartney’s treasured instrument!
…”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” sobs Terry through his shattered teeth, blood and spit raining down on McCartney like the most hideous monsoon. ”I CAN’T DO IT! I CAN’T KILL WHEN THERE IS SUCH LOVE IN THE WORLD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh Paul! I love you, man!”
Suddenly Terry’s tongue falls limp.
The wad of earth and tree and McCartney falls hundreds of feet to the ground with a crash. …McCartney seems unscathed, and walks away from the sobbing and battered halfgod.
Just then Steve Irwin dashes past him.
”CRIKEY MATE!!!!”
Turn around.
Tackle Terry, wrestle him into submission, and ride him... to face DinoHITLER's mother.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"What am I doing, running? Crikey! There ain’t no reptile that I can’t wrestle! Specially not when he’s sobbing and battered! Don’t worry Paul, I’m gonna save you, fella!” shouts Steve Irwin, running past the already saved Paul, …sprinting up Terry’s horrible wet and endlessly long limp tongue, jumping onto his face and punching the thousand foot tall beast to the ground.
"Think you’re a feisty fella, do you matey? Eh?” says Stevo, grabbing hold of as much of Terry’s neck as he can. "Well I’m gonna knock the feisty right out of ya, ya bleeding bastard! Crikey mate!”
Steve Irwin wrestles the thousand foot tall demigod into submission!
He climbs onto its head!
He kicks it in the ear until it does his bidding!
"Come on matey! There you go eh! Thattaway boy, quick sharp!”
Steve Irwin rides Terry the Thousand Foot Tall Dinofrogcat Halfgod towards the north west! He soon reaches a tremendous speed!
His friends trailing dozens of feet behind him, Steve Irwin finds himself alone atop the subdued Terry, suddenly amidst a strange visual cacophony of portacabins and foreboding box-like objects.
Crikey mate, he realises to himself, This must be that bloody European fella’s secret base! The one where… The one where dinoHITLER’s mum is held?
Terry stops abruptly, falling to his severed knee and in need of rest. Stevo pats him affectionately on the head.
”There there… It’s almost over, mate… We’re here. We just gotta find…”
Stevo’s interrupted by a trembling shake of the ground. He looks about hi-
”My God.”
”Stevo?”
”Hugh?” Steve Irwin stares in disbelief. ”I never thought I’d see you again. I thought you’d left for ever, mate. Crikey. YOU’RE dinoHITLER’s mum?”
”I… er… the um… er… It’s a long story, Stevo. It’s a long story. What are you here for, Stevo?”
”I’m… I’m here for you, Hugh.”
”You… You want to be friends again? After all you did?!”
”I… No Hugh. I have to take you down. DinoHITLER cannot be born, mate. I don’t care what might have been between us, for the world to live you have to die.”
”Crikey mate.”
”Don’t Hugh. It’s not the time.”
”I know Stevo. Sorry. But you’re too late, Stevo. DinoHITLER is already born. Hitler and I… we…er… the um… er… It’s a long story, you know. These damn boxes. One thing followed another. First I became DinoHITLER’s mum. Then I…er… we met Hitler. It was all these boxes. These damn boxes. Are you in there? Who knows? Are YOU in there? Or are you and a dinosaur chieftess in there? Are you in there? Or are you DinoHITLER’s mum? And then…”
”Crikey mate. God, I’m sorry.”
”Don’t be, Stevo. I’m happy now. I’ve found myself. I have a son. And you’ve come to take him away. I’m sorry it has to be this way, Stevo, but he has to live. You have to die. Oh right, I see,” says DinoHITLER’s mum, looking over Steve Irwin’s shoulder. ”You have new friends now. Oh. And the box-man.”
Stevo turns round to see Paul, Davy, Archimedes and three Erwins run up, Edward trailing some distance behind.
They look up as one.
”My God.”
(http://i.imgur.com/AaMvT.png)
DinoHITLER’s mum stares each of them in the eye, one by one. She turns briefly round.
”RUN, DINOHITLER! RUN! SAVE YOURSELF! FLEE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY! MUMMY’S HERE!”
There’s the sound of bustling activity somewhere behind her.
”YOU SHALL NOT PASS, STEVO. NOT YOU. NOT YOUR FRIENDS. YOUR STORY ENDS HERE.”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Terry has a -2 emotional penalty.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist and Box Expert (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Hugh Grant and the Dino-Chieftess (DinoHITLER’s mum) (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on November 12, 2012, 09:09:02 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 12, 2012, 10:46:17 am
Post by: lawastooshort on November 12, 2012, 10:47:19 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 12, 2012, 10:49:07 am
Post by: Tiruin on November 12, 2012, 11:29:09 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on November 12, 2012, 11:36:48 am
See, this is what happens when you meddle with things you're not supposed to meddle with. I told will tell will have told** you it would happen.
Archimedes notices someone out of the corner of his eye. After hearthly greeting himself, and complaining about the implications of Time travel combined with Quantum physics, he and himself get to work.
Fix everything. (Get clothes, Heal crocket, myself and others), Deploy laser and several other things.
((*Really people, stop falling apart and stuff.))
**For more information see the Time Traveler's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations by Dr Dan Streetmentioner
Note to self: Don't forget to timetravel back here again. ***
***If this whole thing is impossible, I did run into a tree last turn.
I think I banged my head.I know how you feel.
Can't we go further back, and erase Schrödinger from existence?
Post by: Toaster on November 12, 2012, 12:35:49 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on November 12, 2012, 01:02:28 pm
Is my status up to date? I still have the knife, and the segway isn't on cooldown.Evidently not. Blast. The knife is blacked out as you'll get another at the end of the mission; I just forgot about the segway though.
Post by: freeformschooler on November 13, 2012, 09:27:49 am
Paul notices Davy attempting to slay the foul Dinocat.
"I say, TRIPLE BOTHER! Davy, hold on now, don't be a hero!"
From afar, Paul plays a HEALING DITTY for Davy while looking for another bush to jump behind.
Post by: Tiruin on November 13, 2012, 10:19:18 am
I am sorry, humans. But you have delved into my knowledge for far too long."
[Hidden Action based on response]
Post by: Toaster on November 13, 2012, 10:58:48 am
Fire smoke everywhere!
Post by: Talarion on November 14, 2012, 06:14:47 am
"Crikey... sorry, mate, but it's gotta be done!"
Post by: lawastooshort on November 19, 2012, 10:55:57 am
TURN FOURTEEN!
Delay-related recap…
Somewhere in the jungle, on a different Earth and in a different Time, Archimedes of Syracuse, Archimedes of Syracuse (or did he just bump his head?), Davy Crockett, Paul McCartney, Steve Irwin on a half-god and, for some reason, three Erwin Schrödingers, are outside Schrödinger’s box filled lair, facing off with Hugh Grant, partially DinoHitler’s mum. Their mission? To assassinate Hugh Grant, and thereby save the other Earth from a nightmare of eternal Evil!
Somewhere in the jungle…
Fix everything. (Get clothes, Heal crocket, myself and others), Deploy laser and several other things.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
“Hello there!”
“What?”
“I said hello there!”
“Gosh. You’re me! I… er… the um… er… Blimey, sorry. Felt a bit English for a moment there.”
“Oh come on, we’ve learnt the correct modern phrase for this situation! No need to dither!”
“Ah yes. Crikey, mate!”
“Quite. See, this is what happens when you meddle with things with which you're not supposed to meddle. I told / will tell / will have told you it would happen.”
“What?”
“For more information see the Time Traveler's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations by Dr Dan Streetmentioner.”
“Oh. Right. That. Never got very far with it, I’m afraid. Extremely dull.”
“Now get to work, you’ve got fixing to do, me!”
“What?”
“Oh, come on! It’s only quantum physics mixed with time travel. Piece of cake, what? I say, you’re quite naked. I’d forgotten about that. I mean I was going to forget. Or… blast. Anyway, here, have a new dress. I mean robe. This one’s not made of dinosaur skin, but it still works. I won’t need it where I’m from.”
“Aha. Thanks. You won’t… what? Never mind. Care to lend me a hand?”
Taking time out from their hectic conversation schedule, Archimedes and Archimedes start fixing Archimedes, …expertly wrapping a considerable length of bandage around Archimedes’ head and stopping th-
“Blast. Wrong me. I’m not even slightly bleeding, never mind heavily!”
“Oh well, no time to waste! Let’s fix Crockett, you! Me!”
“Jesus!”
“Who?”
“Never mind. What the hell is wrong with this man?”
“Oh. Right. Him. Falling dinonads.”
“Oh yes. I will have forgotten. I am forgetting. I will did… blast. Let’s get the bloody bandage on the right head this time shall we?”
…Archimedes and Archimedes just about manage to staunch the flow of blood pouring out of Davy Crockett’s face! And there was much rejoicing!
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Who?”
“Me?”
“What?”
“My laser! Put the damn laser out!”
…”Blast. No time now. You know, I think I may have banged my head on that tree back there.”
Try to keep control of Terry, aiming towards Dino-Hugh, as before.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Crikey... sorry, mate, but it's gotta be done!" shouts Stevo to Hugh Grant as he struggles to keep Terry the Half-God fully wrestled. He charges straight at Hugh Grant atop Terry’s head! He kicks the side of Terry’s head with his heels! But then!
Quote from: The Spirit of Terry, Half-God
Terry uses whatever strength his little arms and might legs can muster to get up off the ground and get Irwin off his bloody head, and DOUBLE TEAM FROGINATOR AND STOMPATRON towards Davy Crockett! And Schrödinger! And, well, pretty much all of them.
“FROGINATORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” yells Terry, the Half-God. “DAMN YOU, IRWIN! DAMN YOU TO HELL! EAT MY FROGS, SUCKER!”
Contorting in a very strange way which would suggest he is trying to stare at the top of his head, Terry the Half-God suddenly opens his horrible jaws, …spewing forth a terrifying rain of mega-frogs!
One evil frog, the …size of a small yet vicious poodle, rains directly upwards, landing right in front of Steve Irwin, still atop Terry’s hideous head. It immediately tries to bite Stevo in the face!
…Stevo dodges the megafrog, and dodges right off Terry’s head!
He tumbles a thousand feet to the ground, …landing next to Hugh Grant on a nearby megafrog the size of a cow.
…He slides off and it tries to chew his leg!
…Desperately struggling away from the cow-sized frog’s grasp, Stevo looks up to see his companions also beset by a herd of megafrogs!
…Paul is being viciously assaulted by a frog the size of a labrador who punches him in the guts! Countering with an overhead blow from his acoustic, Paul McCartney …crushes the megafrog to smithereens!
…A short distance away stand the three Erwin Schrödingers. A cat-sized frog attacks! And totally rips one of the holographic projections apart! There are now only two Erwin Schrödingers!
(http://i.imgur.com/JkCpo.png)
…Davy, meanwhile, is staring down a frog the size of a small house. A true megafrog. It flashes a vicious claw at his well-toned and naked guts. …‘Tis but a flesh wound! Davy fights back, but, upon reaching for his trusty knife, realises he’s left it in the thousand foot tall megafrog-projecting half-god! …Blast!
…Archimedes is more fortunate and, expertly taking the pain of his similarly sized megafrog’s uppercut, he smacks the damn frog in the face with the butt of his m60 machine gun! As he spins round to check on his companions, he spots the horrifying sight of Hugh Grant …devouring …a poodle sized megafrog in one foul bite, the last leg slithering down like a slimy massive green slug.
Joyous at the carnage his megafrog rain is causing, Terry decides to STOMPATRON the puny humans into a sticky mess and …promptly falls over dead with severe blood loss! …Luckily for all nearby, he only STOMPINATES a thousand foot tall length of jungle in a totally harmless direction!
Hidden action: Catsploitator > Nearest humanoid figure.
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg/220px-Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg)
"Dear me. It's like all my secrets are being unravelled. Unintentionally!" gasps an increasingly irritated and confused Schrödinger. What are these pesky humans doing here? What on earth is he doing here? These idiots are trying to hurt science!
"I am sorry, humans. But you have delved into my knowledge for far too long. You will have to pay. My science could have removed every last ounce of evil from Hitler’s twisted wart-ridden body, and you have ruined everything! You have created this… this… madness! YOU have created Hugh Grant! YOU! And you shall pay! WITH CATS!"
So saying, Erwin Schrödinger, master of cats, shoots a cat …right into Davy Crockett’s …face! His recently repaired broken face! It flies off in an arc!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severed Face!
Quote from: Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat
Be confused!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZipipOgXj1c/T4sT2mFsccI/AAAAAAAAOaQ/7836W8kxiMo/s1600/T-rex.jpg)
“Chieftess? What happened to you, your Dinosauressness? My God, the fiend who did this to you will pay! But who did this?! You, bowienauts? I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU! I held back my entire tribe from attacking you, and you do this?! Or was it you, box-man? WHAT’S HAPPENING?! WHY!”
Edward the Tyrannosaurus Cat falls to the floor and cries, his face hidden in his ridiculous undersized hands.
Fire smoke everywhere!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Regroup, men!" shouts Davy Crockett, standing his ground bravely in the face of the megafrog assault and the loss of his face. "Fall back on me!!"
His sight clearly obscured with the blood flowing all over them, he fires …half a dozen smoke shells into the ground around his feet, and completely disappears from view. Soon the only trace of him is some rather violent coughing.
From afar, Paul plays a HEALING DITTY for Davy while looking for another bush to jump behind.
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"Oh, oh bother. Hugh Grant? I watched your movies on the Bowie Ship's Transdimensional Tellybox back during the intermission! Now you're telling us we gotta take you down? Bother.”
Paul notices Davy disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
"I say, TRIPLE BOTHER! Davy, hold on now, don't be a hero! Quickly, open your ears and your heart, man!"
Davy!
We love you, man!
Davy!
You can get better, yes you can!
Davy!”
…From somewhere in the cloud of smoke there is a dull thud. It sounds like… it sounds like the dull thud of a limb hitting the ground!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severed Right Arm!
…Filled with shame, Paul jumps into a bush, a particularly sharp thorn stabbing his eye out as he lands.
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Stabbed Out Right Eye!
(http://i.imgur.com/dFPBQ.png)
Quote from: Hugh Grant, Dinosaur Chieftess
”I… er… the… um…”
(http://i.imgur.com/AaMvT.png)
Hugh Grant is confused. He never wanted to be DinoHitler’s mum. But he is! And he will fight with all his maternal instincts to protect his progeny!
But…
Fight his old mucker Stevo? His fellow floppy-hairophile Paul? Can he bring himself to do it? Or will he even have to? Will he just be able to sit and watch his would-be destroyers destroy themselves with music and bushes?
No.
Surely not.
He finishes eating the large frog that has just attacked him and turns his attentions to Steve Irwin.
“Stevo!” he bellows. “I’m sorry.”
Hugh Grant launches his floppy hair directly at Steve Irwin!
…Stevo throws himself out of the way, and the hair bounces back off the ground …and smacks Hugh in the face!
There’s a sudden and horrible dinosaury roar of anger, and then Hugh Grant clears his throat.
“I… er… the um… er…”
“No, Hugh!”
“I… ah…”
“Don’t do it, Hugh!”
“The… um… really? Hmm…”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“I… um… the er…!”
Suddenly, driven mad by Hugh Grant’s terrifying English politeness, Steve Irwin charges forward and leaps at Archimedes!
The naked Australian starts wrestling the newly-clothed ancient Greek! …Luckily, no one is harmed!
Yet!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger, Quantum Physicist and Box Expert (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Hugh Grant and the Dino-Chieftess (DinoHITLER’s mum) (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on November 19, 2012, 11:09:44 am
Also, what effect does the severed face have on DOUBLEARMLEGFACE? And the facial protection catmask didn't protect me facially?
Also, great turn. Davy might need a miracle- how much blood loss damage am I looking at taking next turn?
Post by: 10ebbor10 on November 19, 2012, 12:06:06 pm
Which right arm?
Also, what effect does the severed face have on DOUBLEARMLEGFACE? And the facial protection catmask didn't protect me facially?
Also, great turn. Davy might need a miracle- how much blood loss damage am I looking at taking next turn?
I and Archimedes could try to help you , or we could both* shoot you with our medicinal arms. It'll either kill or heal you. ((Also, I heard Gods are pretty good with Miracles)).
*Provided there's indeed a timetravelling me, and I'm not hallucinating from hitting my head.
Post by: Toaster on November 19, 2012, 12:11:15 pm
Davy staggered from the blow. His blood was flowing freely now, and it likely wouldn't be long before he passed out. Medicine wasn't his thing, but what could he do? He was safe in smoke, but what if his allies couldn't find him?
Then it hit him. The artifact from Stalingrad. It could help. It must help. But the consequences were unknown...
Fire the White Speedo at Hugh!
Post by: Toaster on November 19, 2012, 12:18:31 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on November 19, 2012, 02:56:38 pm
Archimedes and Archimedes will each move to another side of the smoke cloud. Then they will fire their medical water arms a short distance above the approximate middle of the cloud, hoping to douse everyone inside in magical healing bandages. Or water.
After that I will bandage myself. The right me this time.
Mediarm sprinkler*2 + heal self. Also, double power of maths.
Post by: Talarion on December 03, 2012, 02:49:45 am
Post by: Tiruin on December 03, 2012, 05:24:00 am
He squinted to correct his vision as he surveyed the manlings. They seemed to be against Hugh, for some reason. He couldn't blame them, that was one dashing fellow...
But back to the matter, why were they doing that?
"You, calculate the blood pressure at the carotid artery. You, go distract anyone wanting to hit me. Me, let's finish this..." the scientist said to his clones...
"Attack, my pretties, attack!"
Use {Master of Cats}
> Heal Davy Crockett!
> Fire Catsploitator at Hugh!
Post by: freeformschooler on December 07, 2012, 09:27:02 pm
"Oh, bugger," Paul McCartney mutters. "My eye! I do hope I don't have to replace that with a speedo too. Er, right, Hugh Grant."
Paul McCartney, bruised and bloodied, walks slowly out of the thorny bushes. He stumbles up in front of dinoHITLER's mum, and upon seeing the battle going on around him, gains a sudden epiphany.
"Come on, now, boys. Is this really what we're going to do now? We got a who knows how many foot tall halfdinofrogcat chasin' us, and an enormous dinomom tragically fused with Hugh Grant, a fellow floppy hair enthusiast! I think I hit an epiphany just now about what we're doin', and you all oughtta hear me out. You too, Hugh."
Paul McCartney wields his clayboard, lifts it high in the air... and drops it to his feet.
"You tell me: what are we? Well, we're Bowienauts, jumpin' through time and fixin' the timeline. But more importantly, we're fighting violent, terrible critters like the Chairman and Speedostalin. We solved all our problems up to now by chopping off their heads and hoping for the best, hm? And whadda we do when we find a new problem like this? We're conditioned. Conditioned to start hitting it with beams and blades and guns and arms in faces."
He holds his guitar around his chest and strums strumming.
"I ain't sure that's right. At the very core, we're just one of many groups, fighting for their place in time and space. Others like the commies and the socialists enslave their populations and take over through violence. Is that really what we wanna do to poor ol' Hugh Grant? Because now I'm not so sure. The way I see it, either I die here or go back to my hometown eventually and try to carry on the Beatles legacy without Lennon. No matter what happens, I don't wanna be known as the guy who lost his heart to senseless war. I'm a peace loving hippie, feck it all."
He hums the start of a tune, then looks up at Hugh Grant!
"And ol' Hugh, you sure you wanna fight us? Is that even worth it? I mean, we could help you. We could get you quantum disconnected and back to England where you belong. I've got a feeling. I've got a feeling that death isn't the only way this could end."
I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's right
I've got a feeling, a feeling I can't hide
No no no, oh no, oh no
Yeah yeah I've got a feeling yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's right
I've got a feeling, a feeling I can't hide
No no no, oh no, oh no
Yeah yeah I've got a feeling yeah
"I don't know about you guys, but I ain't fighting anymore. Do what you need, but I'm just going to stand right her and play my guitar."
Post by: lawastooshort on December 13, 2012, 11:39:41 am
TURN FIFTEEN!
Delay-related recap…
Somewhere in the jungle, on a different Earth and in a different Time and nearly a month ago, Archimedes of Syracuse, Archimedes of Syracuse (or did he just bump his head?), Davy Crockett, Paul McCartney, Steve Irwin and, for some reason,
Somewhere in the jungle…
The megafrog is confused. One minute he was tearing at Davy Crockett’s guts. The next minute Davy Crockett’s face was flying off. And then both Crockett and Crockett’s face disappeared in a whirling tornado of smoke. And the minute before that he didn’t even exist.
He sat and croaks to himself for a few seconds. It usually helps him think.
… … … … … …
Davy Crockett is confused, staggering from the nearly-knock-out face-severing blow of Schrödinger’s cat. Hiding in the smoke billowing up from his feet he is safe from further attack, but what about his blood? It’s escaping at tremendous speed, spewing forth from his face and his arm. Medicine isn’t his thing – it’s not really manly enough to cure severed arms, it’s far more practical to turn his wounds against his enemy in some probably repulsive manner – but even he can guess that he’s close to passing out like some kind of… some kind of foppish East coaster? Northerner? European? Non-Texas-lover? Who knows. He needs a plan. Fast.
Mediarm sprinkler*2 + heal self. Also, double power of maths.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes is confused. Or possibly Archimedes is confused. He’s not sure. These are dire times, thinks the famous mathematician. Some of his friends are dying, and Archimedes can do nothing but watch. Twice. Probably. Not that he is able to see anything, with all the smoke and blood and frogs and such. He needs a plan. Fast.
Luckily he has one!
”Hey, Archimedes, you take that side!”
”Ok, Archimedes! And you take that side!”
”Ok! Prepare arm for firing!”
”Arm prepared!”
”Ready? Aim at the smoke, I think Crockett’s in there somewhere! This is totally guaranteed to save him! Fire!”
There’s a bit of a whooshing sound.
”Ooh. Hmm. This feels interesting. Gosh.”
…As one of the Archimedes aims and fires his water/bandage elemental armcannon at where he imagines Davy Crockett to be, …so does the other time travelling (or merely fictional and head injury-related, who knows?) Greek.
One blast of water sucks inwards.
And the other sucks outwards.
And suddenly they join!
A towering column of wet bandages shoots right up into the jungle sky. Suddenly the water disappears with a tremendous bang, showering bandages over many square kilometres of jungle! The bandages float gently down to the ground, catching here and there decoratively on the jungle canopy like a mad doctor’s Christmas.
The smoke enveloping Davy Crockett seems to have disappeared. Instead, he is now hidden in shadow.
Giant crotch-shadow.
The giant crotch-shadow of MEGAMEDES, DRESS WEARING WATER ELEMENTAL OF SYRACUSE!
(http://i.imgur.com/aM6ph.png)
”Crikey, mate!”
…The sudden change seems to have caused Archimedes and Archimedes, now become one great big Megamedes, to totally forget about all that other healing stuff he/they wanted to do.
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Tackle Hugh!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Crikey mate!” crikies Steve Irwin, nonchalantly smacking his giant frog into the ground with his manly fists. ”Well, that’s the power of maths, eh?! Crikey! Now behold the terrifying power of the Flying Emu!”
Not even stopping to take a run up, Stevo launches himself directly at Hugh Grant’s jaws, hoping to clamp them shut and disable the hideous Englishman!
…Alas! Steve Irwin flies straight into Hugh Grant’s face, piercing the skin and tearing the muscle and penetrating the bone! He looks totally stuck in Hugh Grant’s face, mate!
”Crikey mates!” comes a muffled cry. ”Help me out there, will you? I think I’m bloody well stuck!”
There’s a few brief seconds of indistinct grunting.
”Oh well, I may as well try to tackle the feisty bugger whilst I’m in here,” yells the intrepid professional Aussie. Wriggling around inside Hugh Grant’s face, Stevo manages to …completely split the face into two! On one side of the neck there is suddenly the head of Hugh Grant, and on the other, the head of DinoHitler’s original mum!
Steve Irwin falls down the crevice between the two separated heads.
He totally slices the terrible beast in two as he falls towards the ground! Suddenly, through the power of quantum physics and Australia, not one but two beings stand before the astonished bowienauts.
On the left, Hugh Grant, Master of Floppy Hair!
On the right, DinoHitler’s mum, Mother of the Most Evil Fiend the Universes Have Ever Known!
Stevo is lost for words as Hugh Grant runs towards him, arms outstretched and upper lip quivering.
”Stevo, you bastard! For once I was happy! For once I felt like I had found my place! I er… the… um… I say…”
Suddenly a cat smacks Hugh right in the face, knocking him sprawling to the ground!
Use {Master of Cats}
> Heal Davy Crockett!
> Fire Catsploitator at Hugh!
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/2/26/Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg/220px-Erwin_Schr%C3%B6dinger.jpg)
"I missed!" says Erwin, as he reloads another kitty into his sleeve and takes aim. "Pow! Yeah! Take that, Hugh Grant, you floppy-haired devil!"
Hugh Grant falls to the floor before he can violently assault the semi-naked Australian.
"Right. So. Um. What was I doing? Oh yes! Cats! Oh, but first! You, calculate the blood pressure at the carotid artery. You, go distract anyone wanting to hit me. Me, let's finish this... Wait… are there three of me? Or two? Or… um…"
Erwin Schrödinger looks distractedly about him; he looks up at the sky and down at his feet. He looks at the newly separated Hugh Grant and DinoHitler’s mum.
"Hmm. Very interesting. Right. Cats. Here, kitty kitty kitty! Attack, my pretties, attack! Here, kitty kitty kitty!!"
…Suddenly Erwin Schrödinger summons the cats. All of them! Cats fly towards him from every direction: quantum cats, possibly real cats, interdimensional cats – all the cats! Small cats. Fat cats. Black and white cats.
"Oh bother.”
There’s a strange inwards sucking of noise and cat as the flying vortex of cat creates a miniature black hole and then –
"Miaow.”
In Erwin Schrödinger’s place there is suddenly a superdense quantum cat!
"Miaow!”
He ambles over to Davy Crockett and rubs himself against the terribly wounded man’s leg.
"Miaow!”
"Say! Are you… Are you Erwin Schrödinger? Or… his cat? ”
"Miaow!”
Paul McCartney wields his clayboard, lifts it high in the air... and drops it to his feet.
He holds his guitar around his chest and strums strumming.
He hums the start of a tune, then looks up at Hugh Grant!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"Oh, bugger," Paul McCartney mutters, in his cheery Liverpool accent. "My eye! I do hope I don't have to replace that with a speedo too. Although it does sound like a cracking idea and one that is very much likely to come to pass. Er, right, Hugh Grant. Is he still dinoHitler’s mum? He certainly doesn’t seem too pleased with our Steve."
Paul McCartney, bruised and bloodied, walks slowly out of the thorny bushes. He stumbles up in front of the suddenly separated Hugh and dinoHITLER's mum, and upon seeing the battle going on around him, gains a sudden epiphany. He plants his feet apart and addresses the confusing melee.
"Come on, now, boys. Is this really what we're going to do now? We got a who knows how many foot tall halfdinofrogcat chasin' us, and an enormous dinomomma tragically defused from Hugh Grant, a fellow floppy hair enthusiast! I think I hit an epiphany just now about what we're doin', and you all oughtta hear me out. You too, Hugh."
Paul McCartney wields his clayboard, lifts it high in the air... and drops it to his feet. The resounding clang puts a stop to the sound of battle probably still going on all around him. Everyone turns and stares.
"You tell me: what are we? Well, we're Bowienauts, jumpin' through time and fixin' the timeline. But more importantly, we're fighting violent, terrible critters like the Chairman and Speedostalin. We solved all our problems up to now by chopping off their heads and hoping for the best, hmm? And whadda we do when we find a new problem like this? We're conditioned. Conditioned to start hitting it with beams and blades and guns and arms in faces."
He holds his guitar around his chest and strums strumming.
"I ain't sure that's right. At the very core, we're just one of many groups, fighting for their place in time and space. Others like the commies and the socialists enslave their populations and take over through violence. Is that really what we wanna do to poor ol' Hugh Grant? Because now I'm not so sure. The way I see it, either I die here or go back to my hometown eventually and try to carry on the Beatles legacy without Lennon. No matter what happens, I don't wanna be known as the guy who lost his heart to senseless war. I'm a peace loving hippie, feck it all."
He hums the start of a tune, then looks up at Hugh Grant!
"And ol' Hugh, you sure you wanna fight us? Is that even worth it? I mean, we could help you. You’ve been quantum disconnected by Stevo and now we could get you back to England where you belong. I've got a feeling. I've got a feeling that death isn't the only way this could end."
I've got a feeling, a feeling deep inside
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's right
I've got a feeling, a feeling I can't hide
No no no, oh no, oh no
Yeah yeah I've got a feeling yeah
Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's right
I've got a feeling, a feeling I can't hide
No no no, oh no, oh no
Yeah yeah I've got a feeling yeah
"I don't know about you guys, but I ain't fighting anymore. Do what you need, but I'm just going to stand right here and play my guitar."
…Paul McCartney successfully plays his guitar!
”I say, Paul,” says Hugh, suddenly, his voice breaking a little with the emotion of the moment. ”You’re totally right, old chap. There I was, all taken over by my maternal instincts but, you know, we don’t need to fight! I don’t even know if I’m still DinoHitler’s mum anymore!”
”Hugh!” says DinoHitler’s mum. ”You can try all you want, but you can’t deny the truth, Hugh! You can try to forget, but you can’t erase the past! You know what we had! You know the happiness we shared in that box! You know how warm and lovely it was to be fused together as one! You’re a parent now, Hugh! DinoHitler’s part of you! And you’re part of him, Hugh Grant! We’re both a part of DinoHitler!”
Hugh Grant drops to his knees.
”Noooooooooooooooooo!”
He sobs, covering his hands with his face.
”WHAT HAVE I DONEEEEEEEEE?!”
Fire the White Speedo at Hugh!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
And just like that Davy Crockett is no longer confused. He’s hit by the bright white light of clarity. The artefact from Stalingrad! The bright white Speedo of Lumithos that he’s worn faithfully since that fateful day in the filth-ridden ruins of communism’s dream! It could help. It must help.
He wonders how to work it.
He realises he knows, deep down and instinctively.
He wonders how to pull his trousers down with no arms.
He realises he doesn’t need to. Some deep and inner part of him knows he doesn’t need to reveal it.
It can reveal itself.
It is the white Speedo of Lumithos.
He just needs to get to his feet.
He just needs to find the strength…
He just needs to ignore the pain, and the bleeding, and the frogs… just long enough… just long enough to activate the Holy White Speedo of Lumithos…
…Suddenly Davy Crockett straightens up on both feet. He thrusts his crotch directly at Hugh Grant with all his might!
His trousers disintegrate with the sheer holy force of Lumithos!
His groin begins to glow!
Soon nothing is visible to the naked eye for miles around except the atomic glow of Davy Crockett’s Holy Speedo-clad Lumi-crotch!
It fires!
A beam of Lumi-joy shoots forth, smacking Hugh Grant to the ground, and a crack in the heavens seems to open apart, from whence speaks the seeming voice of a mighty god!
”HUGH GRANT! BE HAPPY! FOR THE BOWIENAUTS HAVE SAVED YOU FROM A LIFE OF DINO-HELL! YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE FIT IN! YOU WOULD ALWAYS HAVE YEARNED FOR THE CHIC AND LEAFY PARTS OF LONDON! YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER AGAIN SEEN THE GREEN AND ROLLNG HILLS OF LOVELY ENGLAND! YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN DRIZZLED UPON BY INCESSANT RAIN FOR DAYS ON END UNTIL YOUR DYING BREATH! HUGH! I, LUMITHOS, SPEAK THUS! BE HAPPY!”
Davy Crockett sinks to his knees with the blood loss and blinding light.
”CROCKETT! I AM NOT FINISHED! LISTEN UP! STOP BLOODY BLEEDING! YOUR TIME HAS NOT YET COME! YOU ARE DAVY CROCKETT! KING OF THE WILD FRONTIER! YOU CANNOT DIE FROM MERE BLOOD LOSS! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF FOPPISH EAST COASTER? NORTHERNER? EUROPEAN? NON-TEXAS-LOVER? CRIKEY, MATE! NO! HERE, LET YON WOUNDS BE HEALED BY THE MIGHTY HOLY POWER OF THE HOLY SPEEDO OF LUMITHOS! AND NOW! ARISE, SIR DAVY CROCKETT OF LUMITHOS, HORROR-KNIGHT OF THE WILD FRONTIER! ARISE AND STOP BLOODY DYING!”
”Er… Ok then!”
Davy Crockett, newly knighted Horror-Knight of the Wild Frontier, Chevalier of Lumithos, Wielder of the Blinding Crotch, gets to his feet. He feels remarkably well.
He looks down to his severed arm.
It’s stopped bleeding!
He tries to look at his severed face.
It’s a bit tricky to look at his severed face, but he can at least feel it’s stopped bleeding!
Quote from: Hugh Grant
The… er… um… I…
(http://i.imgur.com/AaMvT.png)
”Wow! Gosh! I say. You know, that god thing there was right! Paul, you were right! I should be happy! No longer fused with my beloved dinosaur, I can finally leave her and return to my blessed native England! I can revel in the drizzle! Lounge in the luscious damp greenery! Drink proper beer!”
Hugh seems momentarily lost in silent and joyous reverie.
”Oh wait. I say, chaps. I think DinoHitler’s got away! Bugger!”
”Oh, crikey mates!”
”Hahahahahahah!” laughs DinoHitler’s mum ”Hahahahahahah!”
There’s a fizzle and a buzz and a short burst of static before David Bowie comes online in the bowienaut’s bowie-earpieces.
”Um. Dudes. There’s just been a transinterdimensional jump. DinoHitler has escaped. My evilometer is overloading! We’ve got to get you out of there! Bring Hugh and Schrödinger’s cat with you! Get to the TVC15 that’s deploying half a click to your south!”
”No!” cries DinoHitler’s mum ”I can’t let you go! I can’t let you destroy DinoHitler! My son!!”
”No!” cries
A few minutes later…
”Right chaps!” says the Magnificent Timelord, in the warm safety of the Orbital Space BowiePod. ”I’m glad you’re safe. Shame DinoHitler got away, but it was always a risk. Unfortunately defeating DinoHitler with time-shenanigans didn’t work, so there’s only one thing for it.”
”No!”
”Yes. I’m afraid so, men! You’re going to have to storm DinoHitler’s DinoNest in person. But the evilometer is getting dangerously high readings! You’re gonna have to go fast.”
”Well, what are we waiting for! DinoHitler + (Archimedes*2) = (Archimedes*2)!”
”Not so fast, Megamedes, dude!” says Bowie. ”The DinoNest is the most dangerous place on Earth! Even though with every passing second DinoHitler gets stronger, I can’t risk sending you in in your current state! You must all let my medics see to you. You must all level up. And you must give me time to start summoning further bowienauts for
”Crikey mate!”
”Exactly Stevo. Exactly. Now, let’s head to the medical bay. Please tell the medics exactly what you want healing – and be precise, we’re only gonna have time for one shot at this. Any uh… enhancements you want to keep, or any full body transformations you want undone, please be very clear. My medics can get a bit carried away at times.”
The Timelord and the bowienauts head over to the medical bay to get patched up before the final showdown.
”And oh!” adds David Bowie, handing each of you a brown envelope. ”Here, take these – make sure you choose a new level up before you go! I don’t know if it’ll help, but you can probably expect to find a lot of DinoNazis and cunning traps down there, but so far our scientists haven’t been very exact on the intel. Sorry. All we know for sure is that so far no one who’s gone in has come out. Except in, you know, squishy bits.”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Alternate Character: Megamedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Hugh Grant (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on December 13, 2012, 12:36:51 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on December 13, 2012, 12:59:47 pm
Though this megamedes thingy does pose the problem. How can Archie go back to help himself if he doesn' exist anymore? Let's hope the universe doesn't notice that one.
Post by: freeformschooler on December 13, 2012, 02:42:06 pm
I guess we'll be seeing the level ups in PM?
Post by: lawastooshort on December 13, 2012, 02:54:17 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on December 13, 2012, 02:57:12 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on December 14, 2012, 09:41:44 am
Stevo takes out the neatly written letter within, and suddenly remembers some of his secret crocodile mastery techniques from back in the bush!
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter: Available Level 5 Skill Increases! (click to show/hide)
Davy walks along, reading his manuscript, and the special words help him recall his time spent talking to the god Lumithos!
Paul McCartney reads the lyrics contained in his envelope, and suddenly remembers his musical dreams from before!
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle: Available Level 5 Skill Increases! (click to show/hide)
Megamedes tries to gently open his envelope, but his hands are made of water! He soaks the fragile paper and accidentally tears it into tiny wet bits and then, totally enraged and not paying attention, walks into a pole! It’s a very sharp pole which splits his watery body into two, and suddenly there is no longer Megamedes, but Archimedes once more! And also Archimedes once more!
”Oh yeah,” shouts the Magnificent Timelord over his shoulder, ”Look out for my specially sharpened interdimensional bowiepole, dude!”
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse: Available Level 5 Skill Increases! (click to show/hide)
edit: misspelled a couple.
Post by: Toaster on December 14, 2012, 10:14:15 am
Choices, choices! Can vomit substitute for butter?
Also, Terror Knight is a pretty awesome title.
Post by: lawastooshort on December 14, 2012, 10:23:38 am
Post by: freeformschooler on December 14, 2012, 11:22:34 am
Choose BRING OUT THE BAND!
"Oh, right: medics! I want to keep these Speedoguts. Fix my eyes though!"
Post by: monk12 on December 14, 2012, 12:35:37 pm
Post by: Toaster on December 14, 2012, 01:40:54 pm
Gonna have to go with Butter His Head. The White Speedo already makes me hard to kill enough, I think.
And Medics: Fix the severed right arm, the severed right leg (keeping it Boone-compatible, of course), and fix my face. You know, the severed bit. Not the abomination bit. I like the abomination bit. Hell, if you could make it more abominable in the process of fixing it, that'd be just stellar.
Post by: lawastooshort on December 19, 2012, 08:20:08 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: PROLOGUE
The Bowiepod Medical Bay, Space
Paul looks down at the piece of paper as he draws it out of his brown envelope. He gasps with joy as he remembers his old bandmates! "Aw, Bowie, you didn't have to! What a Christmas present! I've been longing to see ol' Ringo and George for so long now, even if I do have to cause a tiny paradox to play a lil' with them!"
He walks along, guided by a bowiesurgeon, repeating the names of his old friends under his breath like a holy mantra. Suddenly a nurse jabs him in the face with a needle and he passes out.
The Bowiepod Bowieshrine, Space
Davy Crockett kneels a little gingerly on his …newly attached right leg, mumbling under his breath as he prays to the god Lumithos, god of Healing and Friend-based Joy. The dark blue light of the Bowieshrine sparkles off the giant sequin before him and holograms of stars twinkle in the simulated heavens above him.
”Dear Lumithos,” he whispers, reverently, ”Granter of the Holy Speedo, Lover of the Hideous, God of Light and Friendship, please hear me…”
He pauses for a second, suddenly seeming to feel the pain of an arm that …the doctors said could never be replaced. His sadness is swiftly erased by thinking of the joy the new addition to his face brings him every time he sees it.
And retching. Joy and uncontrollable retching.
”Dear Lumithos,” he starts again, ”I have been separated from my dearest friend. A friend to whom I was literally connected. A friend I had to leave behind, on a planet infested with the most hideous of dinosaurs. A friend I coldly sacrificed for the good of the universe. Please, Lumithos, bring him back to me! Please, I swear on my face that I will serve you as a Terror Knight of Lumithos for the rest of my days if you can make this so!”
Crockett remembers the warm feeling of joy that spread through him when he thrust forth his crotch and fired the Holy Speedo of Lumithos at Hugh Grant, bringing good health and order back to his small corner of the universe.
”Please Lumithos, Boone was the brother I never had! I am incomplete without him!”
Suddenly the giant sequin bursts apart! A voice breaks the simulated heavens asunder!
”Davy Crockett!” speaks the voice. ”Davy! I have heard your prayers, and I judge them to come from a pure hearted and noble Knight of Lumithos! I SHALL GRANT YOU THINE WISH! ARISE, DAVY CROCKETT, TERROR KNIGHT OF LUMITHOS! ARISE, AND REALISE MY NOT INCONSEQUENTIAL POWERS!”
Davy Crockett arises, and immediately falls over flat on his face.
”SORRY ABOUT THAT. I CAN’T BLOODY WELL ATTACH A CROCODILE’S HEAD TO YOUR FOOT IF YOU’RE STANDING ON IT, CAN I.”
”But… I… attach? Boone?!”
”INDEED.”
Davy Crockett looks down to his foot.
Boone looks back up at Davy Crockett.
He retches with furious and joyful force, showering the Bowieshrine with an ocean of vomit, and spraying Davy in the face with gallons of rancid crocodile digestive juice!
Crockett weeps with happiness, bending down to touch Boone on the nose as if to check he is real, and is rewarded by a miracle! Boone doth speak!
”Jesus Christ, Davy! Get that thing away from me! WHAT THE HELL HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR FACE?!”
”Oh, that.” says Crockett nonchalantly, trying to hide his considerable pride. He bends down to look at a piece of the shattered giant sequin and gazes deeply and lovingly into it. ”A cat kind of severed my face a bit back on DinoPlanet, and, you know, the doctors did their best... I had this problem with an arm, too, so they stuck that in there as well… I still haven’t thanked Paul for that, actually…”
Crockett realises what he’s staring at.
He vomits profusely over the piece of sequin and both his feet.
”They did say, though, that I should probably keep it bandaged up at all times...”
The Bowiepod Medical Bay, Space
”So… Archimedes… and Archimedes…”
The doctor looks from one bed to the next and then back to his charts. He’s seen this kind of thing before.
”You both feeling fine? A detransformation can be a tricky thing, but all the readings on here seem pretty much optimal. I think we can discharge you right away. I’ll get Nurse Jenkins here just to talk you through your new leg.”
Nurse Jenkins steps up and clears his throat.
”Ahem. Well, basically… We removed the stone legs. We thought they were a little too… useless for a bowienaut of your standing. Sorry, no pun intended hahaha. We’ve replaced them with something a little more functional. I’m quite proud of them actually, my own design. Basically I took some old normal legs we didn’t need anymore, and I… erm… covered them in your mirrors! All you have to do is hoist up your dress, expose your legs to the sun, and voila! Portable and superquick charging solar death ray! David Bowie loved them, very sequiny, he said. Anyway. Take a look whenever you want, I’m sure you’ll get used to them pretty quick. They work just like your old non-stone legs did… Just with a solar death ray now coming out your groin when you point them at the sun… Bye!”
The Bowiepod Changing Cubicle, Space
Elsewhere on the ship, Steve Irwin is trying on a pair of shorts. He lost his trademark khaki shorts on DinoPlanet, and the Magnificent Timelord, distraught at having indirectly led to this terrible tragedy, has been trying his best to make up for things.
Stevo looks himself up and down in the mirror.
”Crikey mate. Whatever would they say back home? That’s amazing!”
Bowie himself is waiting outside the cubicle, impatient to get a look.
”You like it dude?”
”Khaki Coloured Sequin Shorts, Mate? By Crikey I like ‘em!”
”I’ve laser etched an Australian flag onto every sequin by hand, dude, concentrating the power of Australia in every one!”
”I’m… I’m lost for words mate! I’m… Crikey!”
Steve Irwin sinks to his knees in front of the mirror and starts talking in a hushed voice.
”Crikey mates! Look at these feisty fellas! You don’t seem a pair like these very often!”
The Bowiepod Medical Bay, Space
In the medical bay, in the bed next to one of the Archimedes, Paul McCartney sits up. He puts his hand to his face. It feels…
…It totally feels totally normal! Just then a nurse comes over, and helps him to the bandage of his face. He can totally see!
He looks over to see the Magnificent Timelord walking down the central aisle of the medical bay. He’s holding a guitar. The shiniest guitar Paul has ever seen. A guitar made from…
”… 100% pure sequin, dude! I got my finest armourers working on it all night, and by gosh it’s pretty sweet! 100% acoustic, 100% loving, and 100% indestructible! Here,” says Bowie, handing it over. ”It’s for you!”
The Bowiepod Medical Bay, Still in Space, But a Little Bit Later
Paul is sitting on the end of bed, staring joyfully around him and playing gently on his new acoustic, humming a new melody. He looks at each of his friends and then finally at David Bowie as the Timelord finishes speaking.
”… so, he’s recce-ing ahead and will infiltrate the DinoNest to try to make your assault easier. I have every faith in Hugh, I have looked deep into his soul and it’s filled with sequins. And a wish to repent. Oh!” he adds, as a cat jumps onto the bed and rubs himself against Paul’s side, purring heavily. ”And Schrödinger’s Cat will be coming with you. You might need the extra firepower, and it seems appropriate. Just don’t put him in a box. Or get in a box with him. Right. You all ready?”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on December 20, 2012, 03:25:24 am
Post by: lawastooshort on December 20, 2012, 06:19:11 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: PROLOGUE PART II
The Bowiepod Medical Bay, Space
”…ready?”
”YEAH!”
”YEAH!”
”Yep, let’s go lads!”
”Hoorah!”
”Miaow!
”No! Crikey, mates! I’m not bloody ready, I just remembered something!”
”What did you remember, Stevo?”
”Crikey, I just bloody remembered I don’t like crocs! I bleedin’ hate ‘em, mate! I can’t abide the vicious critters! I’ve just remembered what they did to my dear grandma, the poor fella!”
”Do you really hate them, Stevo?”
”Phwoar, Christ, yeah, mate! I really do!”
”Do you hate them so much you think you could make them explode merely with the power of your mind, Stevo?”
”Oh yeah mate, I totally do! Crikey!”
”You see, Stevo, by exploring our minds, we totally unlock their awesome powers, dude!”
”Crikey mate!”
”Miaow!
THE MAGNIFICENT TIMELORD, CHAPTER FIVE: THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN ZERO!
The DinoNest Approach East
As the Bowiecopter swoops in to the LZ, the waiting bowienauts peer out of the window at the carnage below.
The Eastern approaches to the DinoNest are writhing in deadly bursts of machine gun fire and trails of rocket smoke!
”Blimey mates, Hugh’s down there! Marcus, switch the bowiecopter speaker to comms!”
”Roger! Uuhuhuhuh!”
”Hugh! Can you hear me Major Hugh?! Are you ok, mate? Do you need any help?!”
”No no! Perfectly o- I SAY, WOULD YOU STOP FIRING THOSE BLOODY MACHINE GUNS FOR ONE MINUTE AND LISTEN TO ME! No, sorry, what was I saying? No, I’m ok, just taking out this here generator to stop those blasted minigun turrets guarding the front entrance for you, what! Bloody hell, I… er… the… I SAY, DO YOU MIND AWFULLY? WHY, THANK YOU, Sorry, bloody DinoNazis! Already bloody interrupting. No sense of decorum, what. HERE, TAKE THIS. YES, TAKE IT IN YOUR FACE. Sorry chaps, bloody DinoNazi wanted me to shoot him a bit. Anyway, what? NO NO, YOU GO FIRST DEAR CHAP. COME ON, QUEUE IN AN ORDERLY FASHION PLEASE, EH? OH, WHOOPS. TERRIBLY SORRY, I SEEM TO HAVE HAD A SLIGHT ACCIDENT AND REMOVED YOUR HEAD. I’M AFRAID I CAN’T PROMISE IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN. Anyway. Right. Yes, I’ve taken the generators for the minigun turrets offline, this should give you about three turns to fight your way in before they rip you to shreds! Best of luck chaps!”
”Crikey!”
The DinoNest Approach Central
The bowiecopter zooms into the centre of the battlefield. A dozen minigun turrets whir and fire streams of molten nazi metal at the craft as it comes in, but suddenly they stop firing! The guns fall silent!
The bowiecopter touches down, and the bowienauts rush out, straight into the fight! They immediately come under fire from two DinoBunkers on either side of the apparently hideously armoured front doors!
The DinoNazis inside appear to be freakishly accurate shots! Machine gun fire shoots out and suddenly bowienaut blood flies through the air!
…There’s a horrible squealing squawking sound and Schrödinger’s Cat is blasted into the air. He falls down dead!
Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat: DEATH
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Very Heavy Right Arm Bleeding!
Suddenly a hatch opens in the ground about 20 metres from the bowienauts, and a dozen crocodiles rush out towards the bowienauts!
With one last puff of his cigar, Marcus Aurelius lifts the bowiecopter into the air and flies away, the ship’s heavy machine guns pounding the battlefield as it goes.
”Spread out chaps! Spread out and take cover!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on December 20, 2012, 11:01:04 am
The Quantum Cat lifted its head from the dusty soil, curious at the sudden interruption of leather boot relaxation time. Now, it wasn't the horrible noise rising far above it, or the other horrible noise from far around them, but the sight of a reptilian - a croc just like the other one on Davy's foot - which raised its ire.
It poked the other cat next to it, somewhat similar to itself, which in turn nudged the other cat next to it as the trio began their silent coordination, complete with complimentary hissing, extension of claws and the baring of teeth.
{Master of Uncertainty}
If possible, STRIKE AT THE ENEMY! CHARGE!
Post by: Toaster on December 20, 2012, 11:19:35 am
Unleash the horror of the Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Advance to the doors in the vomity confusion!
Post by: freeformschooler on December 23, 2012, 10:54:35 am
Paul McCartney runs toward the entrance holding his guitar about his head to deflect head-liquefying machine gun strikes!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on December 30, 2012, 04:58:42 pm
-"Meaning that with the minigun turrets offline, we barely have a chance of dieing."
-"Let's start then."
Archimedes Alpha: Multiplication + Healing Steve
Archimedes Beta: Multiplication + Activating the laser against the Nazi generator compound. I heard Unleaded Hate 95 is rather volatile.
Post by: lawastooshort on January 03, 2013, 09:20:38 am
Spoiler: Super Special Map (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on January 04, 2013, 05:04:34 am
!!CURRENLY TAKING SUGGESTIONS FOR STEVE IRWIN!!
edit:
That makes sense, ebbor. Steve Irwin vs 12 crocs it is then.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on January 04, 2013, 05:06:35 am
Post by: lawastooshort on January 04, 2013, 09:29:51 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN ONE!
Paul McCartney runs toward the holding his guitar about his head to deflect head-liquefying machine guy strikes!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"Gentlemen, you may-" says Crockett, as he reaches upwards.
"Let's head through, boys!" interrupts McCartney, lifting his indestructible shiny guitar to his head and getting ready to, metaphorically, go over the top. "Last chance!"
…Paul McCartney leaps to his feet as the machine gun bullets stream around him. He charges forward! The bullets bounce off! The light shines brightly off the many silvery sequins! The reflections are tremendous! He runs as fast as he can towards the left-most bunker, and suddenly the bullets abruptly stop…
Unleash the horror of the Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface! Advance to the doors in the vomity confusion!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"-Wish to avert your eyes..." finishes Crockett, as McCartney rushes rashly in front of him. "Oh well.”
There’s a barely noticeable rustling sound and then…
…And then the bullets from the bunkers abruptly stop! There’s a few seconds of silence; then a few more seconds of groaning and grunting, and then-
Suddenly Davy Crockett notices the tremendous reflections of Paul McCartney’s silvery sequiny guitar-shield!
An uncontrollable torrent of the repulsive remains of whatever godforsaken animal Crockett seems to have eaten for breakfast spews out of the hideous Terror Knight’s misshapen facehole!
It …blasts the running McCartney to the floor, where he surfs along on the vomitwave a dozen metres until he shoots straight through the left-most bunker’s machine gun slit. He comes face to face with four DinoNazis manning a machine gun! They are all being violently sick on the floor! It is up to their knees!
In the bunker on the right, similar vomity confusion reigns.
The machine gun is silent.
But the gutjuice is not! Soon the distant bowienauts spy rivers of sick leaking vigorously out of the machine gun slits. The DinoNazis inside flee in fear of a horrifying drowning death! They run straight towards the bowienauts!
Just then Davy Crockett recovers from his burst of vomiting and prepares to dash towards the steel doors in the confusion. But no! He is violently sick once more, and vomits with such force that he propels himself backwards, and he falls to the floor, face up and still vomiting! A fountain of burning sick blasts up into the sky and monsoons back down onto his awful face!
The entire expanse of ground between the bowienauts and the steel nazidoors is now covered in a thick coating of lumpy, writhing sick, and the small river it forms begins to gently float Davy Crockett away towards the nearest low point: the crocodile pit!
Archimedes Alpha: Multiplication + Healing Steve
Archimedes Beta: Multiplication + Activating the laser against the Nazi generator compound. I heard Unleaded Hate 95 is rather volatile.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png) (http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
"So," says Archimedes Alpha (or Beta) to Archimedes Beta (or Alpha).
"So, we got 12 Mark III Nazi-turrets about to open fire upon us, should they get the power back online. Each firing 300 bullets a second, as oposed to the 5 rounds/second of their foot soldiers. Oh, and some crocodiles, which do an average of one bite a second. Now, with the turrets online, we be dead, chaps. However, the chance of being hit by anything other than the miniguns is only 0.6%."
"Meaning that with the minigun turrets offline, we barely have a chance of dying."
…"Quite. Let's get on with it then. I’ll start by multiplying the powers of our unfortunate enemies and then punching Stevo in the face at a crucial point in his deadly combat against the crocodile horde!"
…"Ok! Good plan! And I’ll multiply our own powers and blast this damned nazi generator to Hell!"
"Excellent idea, old chap!"
"Ooh, I say. That’s quite an explosion!"
"Jolly good show, old bean! Wait, wasn’t Hugh Grant hanging around over there?"
"Blast."
"Mrrreaa?"
The Quantum Cat lifted its head from the dusty soil, curious at the sudden interruption of leather boot relaxation time. Now, it wasn't the horrible noise rising far above it, or the other horrible noise from far around them, but the sight of a reptilian - a croc just like the other one on Davy's foot - which raised its ire.
It poked the other cat next to it, somewhat similar to itself, which in turn nudged the other cat next to it as the trio began their silent coordination, complete with complimentary hissing, extension of claws and the baring of teeth.
{Master of Uncertainty}
If possible, STRIKE AT THE ENEMY! CHARGE!
Next to the Archimedes, Schrödinger’s Cat sees Davy Crockett floating past on his back and a sea of sick towards a hole and a horde of far right crocodiles. There’s only one thing to do!
Activate the Holo-Schrödinger’s Cats!
Suddenly all three cats bare their teeth, shoot out their claws, and charge the dozen crocodiles!
…With a sharp swipe of his claws, one of Schrödinger’s Cats slices off the lead crocodiles legs!
The crocodile almost immediately bleeds to death!
The remaining eleven crocodiles stare angrily at the three cats.
Quote from: Eleven Crocodiles
Split up and charge Schodinger’s Cat/s and Davy Crockett, who is very close to encroaching on our territory!
After witnessing the bloody and violent death of their leader, the remaining crocodiles are quite irritated. …Half a dozen of them charge at the three cats responsible, immediately tearing one hologram to holoshreds, smashing the head off another, and accidentally biting another croc’s head off in a desperate attempt to take down the remaining and real Schrödinger’s Cat!
The last four crocodiles face off with Schrödinger’s Cat, gently floating towards the crocodile pit on the river of vomit!
The other five head towards Davy Crockett, defenceless and also floating, when suddenly Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter, wades through the ankle high bodily waste and jumps between Crockett and the crocs!
”Crikey mates! Ah balls to this, I don’t have time – you’re all goners, you nazi bastards! Here, have some flamin’ Aussie!”
Croc wrestle all crocs in submission.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Jumping onto the front croc, Steve Irwin …rips his face off, backflips away, and beheads the second croc with the first croc’s jawbone! Blood shoots out of the first croc’s severed face, and he falls down dead!
Smelling the sweet smell of victory over the pungent smell of endless Davy-puke, Stevo advances on the next three hapless nazicrocs, when suddenly one of the Archimedes leaps over and punches him repeatedly in the back of the head! He falls over face down into the layer of Crockett vomit, and the crocodiles move in!
…”Awwwwwww crikey mates!” cries Stevo, flailing about in Davy’s vomit as one of the crocs crunches his leg in two. ”You’re a feisty bugger!”
Jumping to his foot, Stevo snatches his leg out of the jaws of the feistiest croc, and smashes him about the head with it, piercing his brain and causing massive bleeding, mate! He looks like he’s about to die next turn!
Turning to face the last two crocodiles, Steve Irwin quickly rams his leg back into place.
The crocs circle him, eyeing his juicy legs greedily.
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Very Heavy Leg Bleeding!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Both DinoNazis and bowienauts have +1 maths bonus to attack rolls for the next two turns.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 04, 2013, 09:39:51 am
Post by: monk12 on January 04, 2013, 12:03:49 pm
Post by: Toaster on January 04, 2013, 01:37:02 pm
Restore bandages to face. Fire a HE salvo at the door/nests while Boone eats the nearest croc. Advance to the doors!
Please note the vomit is not burning.
Yet.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on January 07, 2013, 11:19:41 am
Archimedes will help Steve Irwin, and this time resorting by evolutionary medical practises*
The Other Archimedes will indiscriminately open fire against all Dinonazis.
*An ancient and honorable way of healing, where you treat your patients so badly that those who survive the treatment are also fit enough to survive whatever they were suffering from
Post by: Tiruin on January 09, 2013, 03:29:42 am
The Cat looked on at the four facing it. Outnumbered by such reptilian foes, how could a simple feline fight back! Its human allies were just too busy!
And then he felt a furball coming up with no time to aim it!
In retrospect, finding a higher vantage point to clamber up to sounded like a better idea...But the furball took priority.
Post by: freeformschooler on January 09, 2013, 02:06:17 pm
Paul McCartney finds himself just moments away from a DinoNAZI onslaught in front of him! He decides to reroute and continue his original mission.
Advance to the doors with Crockett!
Post by: lawastooshort on January 10, 2013, 06:06:51 am
I think I keep forgetting this because I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing.
This worries me. I think I am finding it difficult to keep it focused because I am very sleep deprived and also finding it difficult to get updates out as quick as I’d like. It is particularly worrying because a previous rtd died because of my lack of focus.
It should be easy to remember what you are doing: busting into DinoHitler’s lair and assassinating his ass before you all die crushed beneath the forces of the DinoNazi empire. I apologise for its not being so.
To make amends and to make it less clear what is going on I am contemplating making the whole entire next turn out of MS Paint drawings*.
Also, anyone want to make another suggestion for Steve Irwin? He’ll just continue fighting if not, or something.
* bear in mind I have neither tablet thing nor drawing skills.
Post by: Toaster on January 10, 2013, 03:50:13 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on January 10, 2013, 04:30:46 pm
(http://tnypic.net/96ob3.png)
I really should not carry on with this idea. I did one during my lunch using photoshopped heads and explosions, but left it on the other computer.
Post by: lawastooshort on January 11, 2013, 11:18:51 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN TWO!
Restore bandages to face. Fire a HE salvo at the door/nests while Boone eats the nearest croc. Advance to the doors!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
(http://tnypic.net/z0l8q.png)
Somehow covering his face back in bandages (on which someone has drawn a face), Davy Crockett stops floating away on a tide of sick and decides enough is enough!
(http://tnypic.net/zmlzc.png)
These doors must end now!
"Gentlemen, time to open a road!" he mistakenly shouts as he opens the giant doors the only way a no-armed frontiersman knows how!
(http://tnypic.net/96ob3.png)
…The steel nazi doors blow apart in a mighty flash!
The way into DinoHitler’s Evil Lair is open!
…Unfortunately Boone is too busy trying to swallow an entire crocodile to enter just yet.
[I couldn’t draw this but just try to imagine a no-armed frontiersman with a crocodile’s head on his foot and the crocodile’s head is trying to get his jaws round another crocodile but failing and then getting a bit bored.]
Undeterred, Crockett blows the evil nazi machine gun nests up a bit!
…He wipes them off the face of the Earth!
(http://tnypic.net/7ec9w.png)
Paul McCartney finds himself just moments away from a DinoNAZI onslaught in front of him! He decides to reroute and continue his original mission.
Advance to the doors with Crockett!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
…Meanwhile, Paul thinks he should advance to the doors with Crockett, but Crockett’s not there! He meanders vaguely towards Davy Crockett holding his guitar, totally ignoring the hordes of Nazis all around.
(http://tnypic.net/pnowz.png)
Archimedes will help Steve Irwin, and this time resorting by evolutionary medical practises*
The Other Archimedes will indiscriminately open fire against all Dinonazis.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Somewhat more usefully… no… wait.
…At least starting with a useful intention, one of the Archimedes (probably the original one given what’s coming next) approaches Steve Irwin.
”I say!”
”Crikey mate! Me bleeding arms and legs are bleeding!”
”Nonsense!” declares Archimedes, before going off to encourage Archimedes.
Archimedes is wielding his M60!
(http://tnypic.net/6evz6.png) (http://tnypic.net/rntwi.png)
…Yay!
*Hiss hiss*
The Cat looked on at the four facing it. Outnumbered by such reptilian foes, how could a simple feline fight back! Its human allies were just too busy!
And then he felt a furball coming up with no time to aim it!
In retrospect, finding a higher vantage point to clamber up to sounded like a better idea...But the furball took priority.
Nearby, the Cat is faced with four crocodiles! Oh noes! But… then… he feels a quantum furball coming up… he aims…
(http://tnypic.net/l8lgc.png)
…He misses!
(http://tnypic.net/f95lm.png)
Double oh noes! Suddenly a mini-black hole is on the loose!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
Quote from: Four Crocodiles and One Crocodile
Bite the cat and claw the human.
Far far away, the narrator thought OH GOD NO I CAN’T PRETEND TO DRAW ANYMORE and suddenly the four crocodiles charged as one at Schrödinger’s Cats!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png) (http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png) (http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
…The two holographic cat projections are swiped in half by the nasty Nazis… But the real one sidesteps and claws out the crocodile’s guts! He rolls over on the floor in a pile of intestines and blood!
(http://tnypic.net/d7ehn.png)
The last crocodile is relentless, and charges forward to measure himself against that enemy of crocodiles everywhere: Steve Irwin!
…Stevo pivots and throws the onrushing croc over his shoulder a bit like Vladimir Putin might, swivelling round, grabbing his tail and smashing its head against a nearby rock until nothing is left!
Stevo is covered in blood and pus!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Quote from: Remaining DinoNazis
Desperately surrender!
…Seeing the horrific brutality, the remaining DinoNazis decide against surrendering. They all flee, and run blindly into the crocodile pit!
There is a sound of gnashing teeth.
Quote from: The Voices In Steve Irwin’s Mind
Steve Irwin: Start throwing crocs at the machine gun nests to cement the distraction. Should "Crikey" and make references to "chundering."
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Without even blinking, Stevo rushes the last croc, splashing through the Crockett vomit as he runs.
”Crikey mate!” he shouts, ”Someone’s been bleedin’ chundering! Crikey!”
…He picks his victim up by the teeth, swings him round his head, and throws him at the burning machine gun nests!
”Have that, you chundering eejit!” he cries, getting slightly confused. ”Crikey!”
The remaining crocs flee!
The way is clear!
DinoHitler lies ahead!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
The bowienauts have +1 maths bonus to attack rolls for the next turn.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 11, 2013, 11:47:36 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Charge forward into the doors! Lay down suppressing high explosive fire should resistance be encountered!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on January 11, 2013, 11:59:44 am
Archimedes 1: Help Steve Irwin. Yes, again.
Archimedes 2: Look for a horse. ((Really, I got to do something with that hippocratic oath, and I have a faint feeling it won't be helping people. ))
Spoiler: Credits (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on January 11, 2013, 08:00:10 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on January 11, 2013, 08:06:26 pm
And now I'm tempted to do a silly MS Paint RTD. Except not really because I know it would be an absurd amount of work and I'm a lazy lazy man, but still, the temptation is there. I particularly appreciate Archimedes' Rambo treatment.
Hey, IronyOwl and I did it :P
"Oh, bother! I'll go on without you all!"
Paul McCartney attempts to run through the doors to the DinoHITLER's base on his own!
Post by: lawastooshort on January 11, 2013, 08:37:12 pm
Oh PS freeform Crockett's blown a big hole in the doors so no doorknob required.
Post by: Tiruin on January 12, 2013, 10:51:56 pm
Then it decided to Cling onto Davy Crockett for the ride and hopefully vault upwards to a higher vantage point, infiltrating the base thru them ventilation shafts or what'sit called.
And if that's not possible, Davy's clothes looked like a good vantage point too!
Post by: lawastooshort on January 13, 2013, 03:10:38 pm
Anyone want to suggest whilst I wait?
Post by: Talarion on January 13, 2013, 10:17:30 pm
(Sorry about the lack of... well, me. I've been really busy with sorting out my schooling for this year, since I just finished High school, last year.)
Post by: lawastooshort on January 14, 2013, 07:47:21 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN THREE!
A horse, A horse, my Kingdom for a horse
Archimedes 1: Help Steve Irwin. Yes, again.
Archimedes 2: Look for a horse. ((Really, I got to do something with that hippocratic oath, and I have a faint feeling it won't be helping people. ))
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Being a famous mathematician, Archimedes knows about that thing about third time being lucky. SURELY IT CAN’T BE TRUE?
Realising his comrade Steve Irwin is in desperate bleeding arm and leg related trouble, …Archy sprints over, tears off Stevo’s arm with his bare hands, and seals his terrible leg wound with the bloody stump! He’s practically as good as new!
”Crikey mate! Er… thanks?”
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severed Arm!
…Determined to outdo his violently helpful doppelganger, Archimedes kind of finds a horse! And a massive hairbrush! Um.
Spoiler: OH GOD NO (click to show/hide)
Charge forward into the doors! Lay down suppressing high explosive fire should resistance be encountered!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
…Davy Crockett looks on first with approval at Archimedes’ unorthodox medical techniques, and then with disgust at Archimedes’ new mount. His cheeks flush with a mixture of embarrassment and rage. He is a man, dammit! An American man! To prove the point he charges forward towards the open doors, guns blasting away in a storm of high explosive awesomeness!
Suddenly he realises there’s a cat on his head!
And he notices that he seems to have set much of the vomit around the doors on fire!
The fire is spreading!
Then it decided to Cling onto Davy Crockett for the ride and hopefully vault upwards to a higher vantage point, infiltrating the base thru them ventilation shafts or what'sit called.
And if that's not possible, Davy's clothes looked like a good vantage point too!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
The aforementioned cat, licking its claws clean of crocodile guts as it gazes amongst the carnage of broken nazi bodies, thinks back to its past. He thinks back to his beloved teachers. Schrödinger. His mother Mewmew. That box that he thought was a fellow cat for at least three weeks after Schrödinger drew a pair of eyes on it. Ogami-dono, the blessed sensei of his ninja dojo.
Seeing Davy Crockett charge into battle, he quickly sprints the dozen metres between them, leaps onto Crockett’s head, hides for a second or two amidst the beavery undergrowth, and then backflips over the doorframe and onto the roof of the DinoNest!
He searches!
He seeks!
He hides in the shadows!
…Schrödinger’s Cat finds… a ventilation shaft!
He rubs his midriff up against it in satisfaction, spotting another shaft to his right as he does so.
He can’t quite decide upon which one he most wants to urinate.
Paul McCartney attempts to run through the doors to the DinoHITLER's base on his own!If they won't open, he smacks them upside the doorknob with his newly-indestructible guitar!He gives the doors a light smack for good measure anyway!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
With Crockett advancing fearlessly without the rest of his friends, Paul McCartney ums. And then ers. And then reaches a terrifying decision:
"Oh, bother! I'll go on without you all!"
…Running blindly forward, McCartney suddenly trips over a nearby piece of Crockett vomit, smacks himself in the head with his guitar, and rolls head over heels into the bubbling crocodile pit!
"Um. Hello! Bother!"
He seems to have made several new friends!
He can barely make them out amongst the virulent gut-froth!
Wrestle my way through the air to help McCartney!!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
But never fear! Suddenly the one man in the known universe you’d probably choose if you were suddenly faced by seven hungry crocodiles suddenly appears, wrestling wildly through the air and landing just in front of the baffled Beatle!
…”Crikey mate! Shame I’ve only got one bloody arm left, eh! Oh blimey, who’s been doing all this bloody chundering, mate? I’m bloody well waist high in vomit. Crikey!”
The crocodiles bare their teeth and advance!
MEANWHILE…
Meanwhile, in the entrance to the DinoNest, Davy Crockett, scarcely believably for all they had to do this turn was go through a very large open door, stands alone.
He is in the DinoNest.
”Chaps!” he says, momentously and to himself. ”We stand on the threshold of greatness! We are mere minutes away from destroying the greatest tyrant the universes have ever known! We are entering… THE DINONEST!”
In the semi-darkness, he can see that to the left of him lies a door. And to the right of him lies a door.
The left door is marked with a large picture, about three feet by two feet.
(http://www.law.ou.edu/hist/flags/50star-big.jpg)
The right door is similarly marked by a large picture.
(http://www.partt.org/MexicanFlag.gif)
”Arg!” cries Crockett. ”What horror is this before me? What trap hast yon archfiend DinoHitler set for us?! A CHOICE OF DOORS??!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 14, 2013, 11:02:40 am
Please note the vomit is not burning.
Yet.
Called it.
Crockett laughs- a deep, throaty laugh that sends his innards vibrating in a way you could see if the bandages were off. A choice of two doors? He is a Terror-Knight of Lumithos- a choice between two doors does not apply to him!
Use AP rounds* to blow a hole in the wall between the two doors! Advance that way!
*That is armor piercing and not anti-personnel, right? If I'm wrong, make that HE.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on January 14, 2013, 11:31:52 am
Post by: lawastooshort on January 15, 2013, 07:46:22 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Davy Crockett with bandages applied and a cat on his head.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
An unfortunate player faces the approaching dark of illness.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on January 15, 2013, 07:55:59 am
Take the left route, the right one gets my mark.
Post by: Talarion on January 15, 2013, 08:21:20 pm
Post by: monk12 on January 15, 2013, 09:20:22 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on January 15, 2013, 09:26:29 pm
Paul McCartney sneaks across the Crocodile pit to Stevo then uses the occupied Croc Hunter's head as a ladder to escape!
Post by: lawastooshort on January 16, 2013, 08:39:38 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN FOUR!
Archimedes 1+2 : Grab everyone and advance. Try to make sure all parts are attached correctly. Rig the pony for a pinkness overload. Use a really long, sparkly detonator.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Come on chums!” whistles Archimedes, cheerily. ”Time to go!”
…He grabs Archimedes, who seems to be …inserting a wire into his pink pony? and advances to where Davy Crockett stands, apparently defied by the nazi wall before him.
Spoiler: Archimedes’ Pony (click to show/hide)
Use AP rounds to blow a hole in the wall between the two doors! Advance that way!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Indeed! Davy Crockett does seem to be confronting a villainous evil wall! A wall between two doors!
He laughs, vibrating his horrible innards in a way that you could see should he by some terrible accident remove his bandages!
”HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
He bends near double with amusement at the idea of this puny reinforced concrete wall defying him. At the idea of doors. At the idea of restricting the free will of the greatest and most handsome American ever!
”HAHAHAHAHAHA! A choice of doors?! I am Davy Crockett, Anointed Terror-Knight of the Speedo-God Lumithos!”
He roars his angry shout of vengeance.
”A CHOICE OF DOORS DOES NOT APPLY TO ME! I SHALL CHOOSE NEITHER LEFT DOOR NOR RIGHT DOOR! I SHALL CHOOSE…”
He straightens up and aims his arm-mounted cannon to fire.
”FREEDOM! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
…A deafening blast and a blinding din explode from Davy Crockett’s cannon barrel! There’s a huge flood of smoke! A dozen licks of flame! About three dozen armour piercing rounds shoot out in fully automatic mode, crashing straight towards the point exactly between the right and left doors!
Davy and the Archimedes can see nothing.
Take the left route, the right one gets my mark.
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
"Oh bother." thinks the cat, lifting its spectacles with its paw in contemplation. "Being stuck in a feline body has its drawbacks, but... nobody will mind the natural process if I turn it right...I mean, it would give my scent away an- wait, what am I thinking? What did mummykins Mewmew say? Just do it?"
Schrödinger’s Cat walks over to the right hand ventilation shaft and lifts his hind leg a little before just doing it.
"Ahhhh."
…Thusly satisfied, he strolls back to the left hand ventilation shaft, feeling a little pleased with himself.
"Banzaiiiii!" he shouts, throwing himself down the shaft head first.
Paul McCartney sneaks across the Crocodile pit to Stevo then uses the occupied Croc Hunter's head as a ladder to escape!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"Oh, erm!"
Paul McCartney looks around at the approaching horde of horrible crocodiles. He sees Steve Irwin wrestling a few of them and thinks of the perfect escape plan.
"Oh, I do so hope my -1 to athletic rolls doesn't hurt me here," he says, fatefully!
Paul McCartney sneaks expertly across the vomit-filled crocodile pit, backflips ninja-ly onto Steve Irwin’s head, and then limps pimpily at just the wrong moment!
…He slips face first back into the crocodile pit! The vomit-filled crocodile pit!
Continue wrestling, use the other crocodiles to tie down the rest of the crocodiles until I have a croc-ball that I can wrestle and ride!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Crikey mate! Stevo doesn’t even notice the Last Beatle sneak onto his head and immediately fall off! That’s just how good at sneaking like a ninja Paul McCartney is! He’s not even distracted by the splash of Beatle face into crocodile pit vomit! He doesn’t even have his disbelief suspended by McCartney’s metatastic dialogue!
No!
Because Steve Irwin, Professional MultiCroc Wrestler is busy! Busy wrestling multicrocs!
(http://tnypic.net/s2jp0.png) (http://tnypic.net/nj2ot.png)
(http://tnypic.net/o3yty.png) (http://tnypic.net/s23yv.png)
(http://tnypic.net/qbt1r.png) (http://tnypic.net/r566e.png)
(http://tnypic.net/foz7s.png)
(http://tnypic.net/o3yty.png) (http://tnypic.net/s23yv.png)
(http://tnypic.net/qbt1r.png) (http://tnypic.net/r566e.png)
(http://tnypic.net/foz7s.png)
…SUDDENLY STEVE IRWIN IS RIDING A BALL OF CROC!
Meanwhile, back in the DinoNest…
”Er.”
”That was quite an explosion.”
”Yes.”
”Quite impressive.”
”Yes.”
”Possibly a bit over the top.”
”Hmm.”
”You seem to have reduced the choice of two rooms to… er….”
”A choice of both rooms? Joined by destruction?”
”Hmm. I wish Stevo were here. He’d know what to say.”
Davy Crockett and the two Archimedes are standing in front of a large room, with a wide line of nearly powdered rubble running directly down the middle. There are doors connecting to where they are standing, although these are now somewhat useless, and doors on the far side, either side of where the dividing wall used to stand.
Davy Crockett cautiously advances into the ruins. It seems to remind him of somewhere. It looks… kind of like… a ruined missionary building?
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/dd/1854_Alamo.jpg/300px-1854_Alamo.jpg)
Suddenly there’s a rustle of movement on the right.
A dozen Mexicans leap up from behind a hidden wall!
”SURRENDER OR DIE, DAVY CROCKETT! THIS IS THE ROOM OF ALAMOS PAST!”
Suddenly there’s a rustle of movement on the left.
”NOT SO FAST!”
”Oh crikey. Hello, Mr Pres- wait. You’re not-”
(http://tnypic.net/kzrhw.png)
”OH YES I AM, DAVY CROCKETT! THIS IS THE ROOM OF DEMOCRACIES PAST! COME CLOSER, DAVY CROCKETT!”
”Noooooooooooo! NOT EVIL LINCOLN?!”
”HOHOHOHOHOHOHO!”
Suddenly, as Davy Crockett is drawn inexorably out of cover towards Evil Lincoln by the sheer force of presidential will, the dozen Mexicans rush out from behind their wall, bayonets at the ready!
They charge towards the three bowienauts!
Suddenly Schrödinger’s Cat falls on Evil Lincoln’s head!
(http://tnypic.net/hwdls.png)
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 16, 2013, 09:16:02 am
Post by: Tiruin on January 16, 2013, 09:28:31 am
Nope. :P
Post by: Toaster on January 16, 2013, 10:00:04 am
"Blast! Your schemes won't work on me, Evil Lincoln!"
Fire smoke everywhere, so EL and the Mexican Army attack each other!
Post by: Tiruin on January 17, 2013, 10:30:03 am
It w-oh great, not that time of the day again!
Furball @ Evil Lincoln! Then strike at the face! Or if the black hole hit the face, strike at the legs!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on January 17, 2013, 12:08:26 pm
Archimedes 2: Find a new horse.
((I have a feeling that we suffer from the conservation of mathsjitsu.))
Post by: Talarion on January 20, 2013, 05:22:30 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on January 20, 2013, 06:14:55 pm
Spoiler: But with crocodiles? (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on January 24, 2013, 07:12:41 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN FIVE!
Archimedes 1: Make the pony charge at the evil linconians + mexicans, then blow it up. Remember to dismount first
Archimedes 2: Find a new horse.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Forward! shouts the daring Archimedes. ”Charge!
Swerving first this way and then that, Archimedes upon his rigged pink pony charges at Evil Lincoln, on the left, and the horde of Mexicans, on the right.
He leaps off!
Archimedes detonates the pony!
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3F70G51Nc4w/T4SHtuEoRSI/AAAAAAAABXc/Q5fHPqhOdqo/s1600/my-little-pony.jpg)
…Every occupant of the room is showered in hideously pink bits of pony flesh! Blood and huge wet slatherings of pink drip from every head and hat for metres around!
One Mexican is pierced through the face by a fluorescent pink pony kidney!
Another is struck down by a flying and sickly sweet leg, but recovers and gets up again, bleeding heavily from the knee!
As a neon pink liver bounces to a halt at his feet, the other Archimedes goes off in search of a new, unexploded mount.
…He soon ambles back with a shining white horse munching happily on the sugar that Archimedes just happened to find in one of his many pockets.
(http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20051216163413/lotr/images/2/2f/Shadowfax2.jpg)
The lovely horsie gently nuzzles Archimedes’ neck, seeming to say something about the meaning of haste.
It’s quite difficult to tell what he’s actually saying though.
He’s a horse.
Fire smoke everywhere, so EL and the Mexican Army attack each other!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Blast!" blasts Davy Crockett. "Blast! Your schemes won't work on me, Evil Lincoln!"
”Hohohohoho!” replies the democratic fiend. ”Really? Hohoho! Do your worst, you southern-loving scoundrel!”
Davy Crockett does his worst, firing a volley of smoke shells across the room.
…They fail to explode!
"Blast!" repeats Crockett. "And bother. Evil Lincoln’s presumably Evil Schemes it is then. Oh well."
Furball @ Evil Lincoln! Then strike at the face! Or if the black hole hit the face, strike at the legs!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
”Hohohoho! Yes, Crockett, my-“
Just as Evil Lincoln is about to enact his Evil Schemes, a cat leaps off his head, and retches up a quantum furball, aimed directly at his Evil Elbow!
…Screaming, Evil Lincoln leaps aside, and the miniature black hole ricochets off a nearby pillar, bouncing back and consuming a nearby Mexican’s head!
Wondering if he should have instead just urinated on Evil Lincoln’s hat, Schrödinger’s Cat tries to leap up and scratch the Usurper President’s face off. …But he totally mistimes his jump, and flies off into the distance over Evil Lincoln’s shoulder!
”Miaoooooooooww!”
”HOHOHOHOHO!” laughs Evil Lincoln.
"Blast!" repeats Crockett again.
”INDEED! AND NOW, TIME FOR MY EVIL SCHEME! MEXICANS! HOLD YOUR FIRE! IT IS TIME…”
Evil Lincoln looks about the room in gloating triumph.
”FOR A VOTE!”
Meanwhile, outside…
Paul McCartney shrugs and agrees to ride on Steve's horrifying croc ball!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
Back in the crocpit, Paul McCartney is faced with a terrible choice.
Ride on Steve’s horrifying croc ball?
OR NOT?!
…Shrugging, he holds out his guitar as Steve Irwin rolls round like some great big… super crocodile ball? Of destruction?
Pick McCartney up onto my Croc-o-ball mount, and start rollin' the ball of reptilian destruction ONWARDS!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
…Stevo shoots out an arm, hauls McCartney onto his Croc-o-ball, and suddenly bananas appear dotted about in front of him! He steers onwards, reptialianly destroying each banana he comes across, turning faster and faster around the crocpit until suddenly he blasts out and upwards, flying into the sky and trailing a reptilian rainbow above the entrance to the DinoNest.
Steve Irwin lands the Croc-o-ball at the doors to the DinoHitleryNestyDungeon!
Irwin and McCartney come face to face with a horrific scene of rubble and democracy!
Meanwhile, inside…
(http://tnypic.net/kzrhw.png)
”HOHOHOHO!” continues Evil Lincoln, for what seems to be the fifth or sixth minute.
”HOHOHOHO! Yes, so-called Davy Crockett! I know your weaknesses! I know your cryptofascistic tendencies! We are going to have a vote!”
”Si! Si!” shout the remaining ten Mexicans, subtly demonstrating the narrator’s pretty impressive trilingualism. ”Un voto! Un voto!” they continue, after a short pause vaguely similar in length to the amount of time it might take one to consult google translate.
"Pfah!" snorts Crockett. "I fear no vote! I am a Terror Knig-"
”I MOTION-”
”Heehee, crikey!” interrupts the onwatching Irwin, childishly.
”I MOTION THAT DAVY CROCKETT, TERROR KERNIGGIT OF LUMITHOS, GO TO HELL! ALL THOSE WHO SAY AYE, RAISE THEIR HANDS!”
Evil Lincoln and the Ten Mexicans raise their hands.
”I make that twenty two hands,” calmly counts Evil Lincoln, before continuing. ”All those who say nay, raise YOUR hands!”
Evil Lincoln surveys the electorate, waiting patiently and smirking.
”No bloody horses either,” he adds, spotting Archimedes’ horse trying to roll over onto the floor to raise its hooves. ”They’re bloody hooves anyway.”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
None.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 24, 2013, 09:46:54 am
He couldn't stand for this, and a longing for Texas was already rising from his loins. He knew his resolve was fading fast; he could feel his feet wanting to shuffle Texasward. Boone looked up at him, a curious look on his scaly face- their bond was so strong that he was feeling it deep in his reptilian soul as well. The thought was a bit calming, but it... the urge... kept his attention.
But Crockett had spoken with Bowie about this. He had learned a trick.
"Mr. Lincoln... it is time you learned...
He raised his gun-arm.
"GERRYMANDERING!"
Fire a salvo of HE grenades at the Mexicans to even the vote count up a bit! Start moving in the direction of Texas if necessary.
If their arms are up, they're not pointing their guns...
Post by: 10ebbor10 on January 24, 2013, 12:52:00 pm
Multiply this*2, Also, Archi one fixes up any wounded*, while Archi 2 does a Laser assisted charge. On his horse.**
*If these wounded are enemies, he will then proceed to knock them out
Post by: Talarion on January 26, 2013, 09:19:02 am
"Crikey... Crocs have hands too... kinda, mate!"
Post by: freeformschooler on January 26, 2013, 09:28:07 am
"NAY! Bugger to you, sir! I the witness find Crockett not guilty." Paul McCartney raises his hand toward the sky - the ceiling - pointing a dramatic finger. "But! As retribution for false and slanderous accusations, I sentence you to a punishment of-"
The audience gasps!
"-ONE THOUSAND WARTY SWAMP FROGS!"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on January 27, 2013, 10:35:08 am
The Schrödinger Cat was somewhere in the same vicinity as Evil Lincoln, but it wasn't sure where exactly it was in relation to the current timeframe and space. It knew it flew over the man's shoulder, but...this was beginning to become a problem.
Granted, it tipped its spectacles as it decided one thing to do.
Cough a furball in the opposite direction of where I was thrown! It will surely not miss Evil Lincoln!
Post by: lawastooshort on January 30, 2013, 03:34:53 pm
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN SIX!
Fire a salvo of HE grenades at the Mexicans to even the vote count up a bit! Start moving in the direction of Texas if necessary.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
Is this a longing for Texas rising in Crockett’s loins? Or is he just pleased to see Evil Lincol-
Hell no! It’s a longing for Texas! A loathing of these Washingtonian Shenanigans!
The bile rises in Davy Crockett’s throat, seeping up and moistening the bandages protecting everyone from the horrible sight within.
"You dirty rotten...”
The pain, the gnawing doubt, the fear, loathing, disgust at the democratic process gone wrong... so wrong... ugh. It’s worse than his own repugnant face.
He feels the urge to shuffle Texasward growing deep within him; even Boone feels restless, looks up, sees the pain in Davy’s eyes, let’s out an unexpected groan of compassion.
Davy Crockett looks from Evil Lincoln to the Mexicans to his companions. His soul is comforted by the many freedom-loving hands he sees shoot into the air in his support. Democracy may be subverted, but its spirit will never die! Davy is suddenly reminded of Bowie’s softly whispered words back in the bowiepod.
”Dude,” said Bowie. ”This is some pretty strong stuff, man... Whoa...”
Hmm... Maybe that's not entirely pertinent, thinks Davy. Maybe... CRIKEY! I HAVE IT, BY JOVE! I HAVE IT!
He stares deep into Evil Lincoln’s eyes.
He quietly cocks back his automatic turret cannon.
"Mr. Lincoln...” he says, calm as you like. "It is time you learned...”
He raises his gun-arm towards the Mexicans.
"GERRYMANDERING!"
There’s a hollow click.
"Oh, bugger."
Multiply this*2, Also, Archi one fixes up any wounded*, while Archi 2 does a Laser assisted charge. On his horse.**
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
The awkward silence is broken by some incomprehensible chanting as Archimedes and Archimedes step forward, seeming to tai-chi shadow box with the air in front of them. …Absolutely nothing happens until one of the Archimedes thrusts his finger into the air.
”Eureka! AHA!”
A bolt of maths shoots from his erect finger, flying towards the ceiling before bouncing down and exploding in a burst all over the …band of Mexicans.
”ARCHIMEDES! BLOODY HELL!”
”Bother. Sorry. I’ll erm…”
”No, you just stay here and I’ll- Oh, bother. ARCHIMEDES! COME BACK!”
Archimedes lifts up his dress, bares his crotch, and spurs his horse, charging into the horde of Mexicans!
Concentrating the enormous power of the sun via his groin-warmed leg-mounted mirror-laser array, he …sends a burst of pure fire directly at his political opponents!
They explode into a ball of flame!
…Six of the Mexicans fling themselves out of the way, but four are sizzled to a crisp!
Archimedes charges on, into the ball of flame, before …leaping off his horse into the centre of the inferno!
He lands with a sickening crunch and immediately his dress catches on fire!
Bother!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Broken Leg!
Flames Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Burning Dress!
Archimedes rushes forwards to heal Archimedes, but …the flames are too great, and he can’t get to him!
At least the horse is ok!
(http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20051216163413/lotr/images/2/2f/Shadowfax2.jpg)
Cough a furball in the opposite direction of where I was thrown! It will surely not miss Evil Lincoln!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
A short distance away, Schrödinger’s Cat is confused. Where is it? Why is Evil Lincoln? And when are they? He peers over the top of his spectacles to cast a little light on the situation, and suddenly he chokes!
He doubles up in a fit of relentless furball throat-tickling, and then spews out a miniature black hole of horrible furry vortexness!
It spurts through the semi-dark, and all of a sudden Evil Lincoln’s guts disappear!
Blood pours forth!
Wound Acquired: Evil Lincoln: Black Holed Guts!
Paul McCartney, hopping off the croc ball, saw the terrifying faux-democratic showdown playing out between Crockett and Evil Lincoln…
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
Riding up on the crocball, Paul McCartney hops off to see a flaming Archimedes illuminating a terrifying faux-democratic showdown between Davy Crockett, edging slowly towards Texas whilst looking quizzically into his arm-gun, and a literally gutless Evil Lincoln.
"NAY! Bugger to you, sir! I the witness find Crockett not guilty!"
Paul McCartney raises his hand toward the sky - the ceiling - pointing a dramatic finger.
"But! As retribution for false and slanderous democratisations, I sentence you to a punishment of-"
Suddenly the half dozen Mexicans who avoided the terrible flames gasp!
"-ONE THOUSAND WARTY SWAMP FROGS!"
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
As McCartney jabs his finger into the air, nigh on …four or five soggy wet frogs materialise, and drop from the ceiling above!
They fall on Evil Lincoln!
One touches his face a bit!
”Ewwwww!”
Wrestle the arms of every single crocodile in the croco-doom-ball upwards in a vote of 'Nay'.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Crikey..!" also gasps Steve Irwin, stepping off his ride.
"Well I’ll be damned! You know what? Well... Crocs have hands too... kinda, mate! And… feelings?"
Without hesitation, Stevo throws himself back onto his ball of crocs, mate, and totally starts wrestling their arms upwards into a startling show of democratic resistance!
...But they fight back! They’re feisty little buggers! And pretty much staunchly pro-Nazi, mate!
(http://tnypic.net/kzrhw.png)
”HOHOHOHO!” bellows Evil Lincoln. ”You can’t beat me, Evil Lincoln, with frogs and crocodiles and burning dressmen! NO! You can’t- OI! CROCKETT! PAY ATTENTION! I'M TRYING TO DO SOME EVIL GLOATING!”
Davy Crockett is still staring into his arm-gun, quizzically, and bemoaning his lack of hands with which to fix it or, indeed, to vote.
Suddenly he fixes his gun!
…He totally fixes it in his face!
And now his face is broken!
…Or, you know, brokener?
Wound Acquired: Davy Crokett: Broken Face!
As the blood pours from his precious… face-area, Davy Crockett edges slowly Texasward, to the left of the map and away from his companions.
”HOHOHOHOHO!” continues Evil Lincoln. ”You have lost, Crockett! You can’t beat me with guns, or rhetoric,” he says, …bending down to pick up one of the frogs that has just bounced off his face. ”Or fro-aarrrggggg!”
The frog bites off Evil Lincoln’s arm!
”YOU BASTARD!” cries Evil Lincoln, flinging the frog towards the far wall in anger and disgust. ”MY ARM! OH SHIT, MY ARM!” he adds, realising his arm is still in the frog’s jaw. ”MEXICANS,” he commands, ”ATTACKKKKKKKKKK!”
One-Armed Evil Lincoln and the Six Mexicans advance!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Mexicans have a +1 maths melee attack bonus.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 30, 2013, 03:44:35 pm
"Damn and blast, that smarts!"
He couldn't fight it any more. The urge had him. He had to move. But he could at least try to help while moving.
Advance toward Texas backwards while still facing the battle! Fire some HE rounds at the enemies!
Post by: Talarion on February 01, 2013, 04:13:39 am
Throw the croco-ball at Evil Lincoln and the Mexicans.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 01, 2013, 11:29:17 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on February 02, 2013, 09:01:49 pm
Mexicans along with Lincoln.
They're armed.
My friends are in danger.
Hmm.
Schrodinger's Cat decides to at least harry those Mexicans attacking the others! Either working to...
> Act as a moving furry trip wire.
> Leaping off some higher altitude area and hitting Lincoln or any of his lackeys from gravitational pull and trajectory motion.
> Try to stop Davy Crockett from moving towards Texas by configuring the science of quantum topography.
All depending on whether I think I'm in the right position or not.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 06, 2013, 03:38:45 am
Anyone want to suggest an action for Paul McCartney?
Post by: lawastooshort on February 13, 2013, 05:18:40 pm
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN SEVEN!
He couldn't fight it any more. The urge had him. He had to move. But he could at least try to help while moving.
Advance toward Texas backwards while still facing the battle! Fire some HE rounds at the enemies!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Damn and blast, that smarts!" shouts Davy Crockett, slightly worried his precious face might be improved if it gets broken any more.
"To Texas and Freedom, friends! Follow me!"
Facing the horde of Mexicans and Lincolns, he steps grudgingly but somehow lovingly backwards, towards a hitherto unnoticed door that opens to the west of the room.
"No! I mean bother! Don’t follow me! No! Do! I… er…!"
Archimedes 1: Go help Crocket
Archimedes 2: Fire the medical water arm straight downward, hopefully dousing and or healing myself.
The horse: Pick up Crocket, and drag him back to the other side of the room. Make sure that in his own reference frame, he's still going to Texas (Just at a negative velocity, but eh). That way we can keep him locked in a towards Texas loop thingy
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes strolls over, leading a horse in a desperate attempt to confuse things.
"Son, I am here to help!" he says, almost convincingly.
"Climb on!"
(http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20051216163413/lotr/images/2/2f/Shadowfax2.jpg)
…But just then the horse breaks free of Archimedes’ casually held reins, picks Davy Crockett up in his great manly jaws, and gallops away to the other side of the room! Galloping round and round the Mexicans, he twirls Crockett about between his teeth, keeping him permanently somehow heading Texaswards!
"Arg!" shouts Crockett, enjoying himself on some deep and unknowable level.
"What in the name of Moses is happening?"
"I don’t know!" screams the other Archimedes, deliriously on fire on the floor, his leg bent at a rather unpleasant looking angle.
"But I’m on bloody fire!"
…Aiming directly at the floor, this Archimedes shoots an almost endless stream of tinder-dry bandages out of his arm.
"Bugger."
The pile of bandages burst aflame!
"Ouch."
Archimedes is very much on fire!
More Flames Acquired: Archimedes: On Fire!
Schrodinger's Cat decides to at least harry those Mexicans attacking the others! Either working to...
> Act as a moving furry trip wire.
> Leaping off some higher altitude area and hitting Lincoln or any of his lackeys from gravitational pull and trajectory motion.
> Try to stop Davy Crockett from moving towards Texas by configuring the science of quantum topography.
All depending on whether I think I'm in the right position or not.
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
”Am,” wonders Schrödinger’s Cat, ”I in the right position or not?”
He sits down very briefly to lick a paw before coming to a firm conclusion.
”Miaow.”
At the very same moment that one Schrödinger’s Cat leaps into the air flailing desperately towards the nearest high altitude object, another cat splits off like some kind of quantum theory that I don’t entirely understand and dashes towards the nearest wall, hoping somehow to reconfigure the wall’s quantum topography.
…He stares, blinking, at the wall until …suddenly the first cat bounces off it, still desperately flailing as it slides down the wall and crashes onto the second cat’s head.
They merge, bafflingly, and become one cat again, just in time to watch a third cat shoot out of the quantum catomic particle towards the horde of Mexicans.
”Miaowww!!!” roars his ferocious warcry.
Paul McCartney stops what he’s doing and stands and stares and points.
”My God! He’s going to save Crockett by acting as some kind of moving furry trip wire!”
…There’s a horrible crunch as Archimedes’ horse, still madly circling the Mexicans, treads on him.
”Oh! Crikey mate! Nobody likes to see that kind of thing!”
Death Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat: Death
Quote from: The Spirit of Paul McCartney
Anything not involving running around in a circle screaming, self-immolation, or nudity.
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
At this horrifying sight, Paul McCartney retreats to a corner of the room, trying with all his might not to scream, run about in a circle waving his arms, set himself on fire, or rip his clothes off.
…He tugs forlornly at a sock, but just about manages to control his inner urges.
(http://tnypic.net/kzrhw.png)
”YEEHA!”
Evil Lincoln knows all about inner urges. Tearing open his shirt and leaving the rest to your imagination, he triumphantly runs over to the burning Archimedes, draws a revolver from inside his long leather jacket, …and shoots himself in the foot.
”Darn! Ouch!” he cries, hopping. ”Loyal Mexicans, ATTACK!”
The Mexicans charge forward to take on the horse-mounted Crockett, with one breaking off to join with Evil Lincoln and shoot the burning Archimedes.
The Mexican raises his rifle at the Greek’s head!
But Steve Irwin comes to the rescue!
Throw the croco-ball at Evil Lincoln and the Mexicans.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
"Crikey! Bugger it all!" commands the crude Australian Irwin, going completely and luckily unheeded.
He nevertheless picks up the six foot wide ball of croc, leans back slightly, and bowls it like a cricket ball right at the Mexican’s face.
…It’s more than big enough to hit both Evil Lincoln and the Mexican! Evil Lincoln is entirely devoured! The Mexican manages to throw himself out of the way but, seeing his Evil Master disappear in a large ball of crocodile, he panics and runs.
The flight is contagious, and his remaining compatriots join him in running towards and out the right hand door at the back of the room.
Davy, having just gotten all pumped up, lets loose a blast of high explosive anyway, …cutting down two as he continues trapped in the horse’s jaws, whinnying round and round in a circle.
”For the Alamo!” he cries. ”Now bloody well put me down!”
”But Davy!” says Archimedes. ”This is the only way to keep you travelling with negative velocity towards Texas! Look!”
At this Archimedes points to the door mentioned at the beginning of the turn.
”Since you got stuck in the horse the door to Texas has vanished! It can only be interpreted as a sign! Davy, you must stay in the horse’s mouth!”
”What?”
”Hush, Davy. Look, before us there lies, once again, a choice of doors.”
He walks forward to examine the doors closely.
Suddenly he stops, kneeling to the ground. He picks something up. It seems to be a sequin-coloured rhomboid of very thin metal, about the size of his hand.
”I say. Is this... is this a piece of the Holy Shuriken of Bowie? But what does it here? Such things were prophesised by the Athenians, but I never thought…”
His voice trails off.
”You never thought what, Archy?”
”Hmm? What? Sorry… completely distracted. I was wondering why those Mexicans were so easy to disperse. Too easy. I don’t like it. Now, these doors. A left door, and a right door.”
With one hand he points to the left.
(http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=8973405)
And with the other, to the right.
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_HUb2ygrQR50/TIo4Icl7OLI/AAAAAAAAEXA/aB3vbkngB0g/s1600/Mike-2-1600.png)
”It occurs to me, Davy,” says Archimedes, thoughtfully, ”That with your exuberant blowing up of the wall we may have confounded whatever evil plan there is that was put in place to trap us. Where there would have been one door revealed, there are now two. Now, let us think. We must decode the messages hidden in these cryptic images, or face certain annihilation! Do we take the door of the microphone? Or the door of the robot?”
”The door... Oh shit,” swears Paul. ”That's not a robot... that's a ROBOT NAZI TROOPER...”
”So... technically a robot?”
Paul is far too gone in horrifying memory to respond to Archimedes' pedantry. He's back on that rainy summer evening. Back in 1963.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on February 13, 2013, 09:24:30 pm
Collect arms and legs of dead Mexicans and stuff them all in my face to stop the bleeding. Also attach any spares whereever they'll fit.
While still heading to Texas on the horse-effect. Have teammates collect limbs as required.
Post by: TCM on February 13, 2013, 10:52:45 pm
Name: Tupac Shakur
Inventory: Semi-automatic Glock
Biography: In the midst of the great American costal wars, Tupac was enlisted by Bowie to fend for America's democratic patriotic freedoms. And why not? As a trigger-happy, ultra-materialist gangster, Tupac was a paragon of the true US'ian capitalist. Leaving his "Death Row" council in charge of his position during his leave, Tupac heads out to fight so that he can continue leading life indulging in the wholesome consumption of marijuana and vaginas.
Advantages:
Thug Life!: As a natural and veteran gangster, Tupac is an expert in the area of hood survival, accomplishing feats such as accurate shooting even through a side-gripped pistol, to inimidating any adversary honkies with his fierce demeanor and ability to pick up loads of Caucasian women.
Rap Master: Tupac has achieved supremacy in the field of modern poetic rap, allowing him to belt out rhythms, rhymes, metaphors and allegories to powerful, and perhaps even mystical, effects.
Disadvantages:
Marked by the East Coast: It's no suprise that the king of the West Coast is hated by everyone on the opposite side of the country. And by eveyone, that means everyone. The hoodlums, cab drivers and elderly landlord Jews of New York. The rednecks of rural South Carolina and Georgia. The retirees and immigrants of Florida. Tupac shouldn't have a major problem, unless somehow the East Coast is able to find him on his Bowie-ful adventure...
Post by: 10ebbor10 on February 14, 2013, 09:05:06 am
SnipDoubt it. The story is nearing it's end, and so far nobody has died yet.
Anyway:
Archimedes 2: Subtract fire from self (Cryo useally isn't fatal, so we have that)
Archimedes 1: Fire medical water arm at Archimedes 2
Horse: I dunno, do something usefull.
Post by: Tiruin on February 14, 2013, 09:48:15 am
Well. Isn't this convenient. On a horse's shoe, to be technical.
Bother this.
Try to...err, mentally...um. Use body language in trying to make the horse use its kicking skills to utilize my...squashed density on its...appendage for better striking power?
If that works - begin distracting the enemies.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 15, 2013, 03:43:47 am
SnipDoubt it. The story is nearing it's end, and so far nobody has died yet.
Euh... yeah. Sorry about that. The lack of death thing. I killed more priests in a non-combat game half the length of this.
TCM I will add you to the waitlist anyway. Added guest players are chosen by storyline relevance rather than order.
Also bump for Stevo and McCartney.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 15, 2013, 06:00:48 am
(http://img.ie/a6zkj.png) (http://img.ie/vor1z.png) (http://img.ie/umz0j.png) (http://img.ie/gdm55.png)
(http://img.ie/bysz4.png)
I admit that it’s the kind of present that wouldn’t get you a great deal of specialcuddletime later that evening, but it’s the thought that counts.
I am especially ashamed of Steve Irwin and the Cat. I am also quite ashamed of Paul and Archimedes, and not really ashamed of Davy. Speaking of which, the portraits are all pre-adventure because I couldn’t do bandages.
edit: Gah, it stayed on one line in the preview.
Post by: freeformschooler on February 17, 2013, 05:26:35 pm
He didn't look back for fear of what he'd see. No, his last memory of the Beatles would be of a group of loving yet combat trained hippies. He didn't want to imagine the ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS had already won.
That all changed last time he saw Lennon. He KNEW he was the last Beatle now. But staring face-to-face with the prospect of a another ROBOT NAZI TROOPER brought an idea to his mind. Perhaps he could give the band one last chance.
Paul McCartney raised his guitar in the air, blinding any random passers-by.
(http://i.imgur.com/iSVD1oi.jpg): "Let me tell you how it'll be." (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/beatles/taxman.html)
There's one of you and four of me
'Cos I'm a bad man, yeah, with a bad plan
Should my sequins appear too small
Be thankful you ain't seem them all
'Cos I'm a bad man, yeah, with a bad plan
(http://i.imgur.com/jdN6v1I.jpg) "BRING OUT THE BAND!"
If you swing too high, we'll smash your knees
If you try to run, we've faster feet
If it gets too cold, we'll bring the heat
If you rig the odds, that's fine, we'll cheat
Bad men!
'Cos we're the bad men, yeah we're the bad men!
Post by: Talarion on February 17, 2013, 10:46:48 pm
Go through the RNT door.
Post by: Toaster on March 08, 2013, 02:35:39 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 08, 2013, 03:39:55 pm
I'll do my utmost to respond to the terrible retching as soon as I can. I was going to give a day, but then I realised it would be either before Monday, or after Monday, which was a bit vague. I also got a bit distracted with writing
wait - if I don't delete that the sentence I just deleted would be a spoiler.
I'll do it as soon as I can.
ps. thanks for the bump.
Post by: Toaster on March 08, 2013, 04:03:18 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on March 15, 2013, 04:46:16 pm
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN EIGHT!
In a London far, far away...
McCartney runs.
He runs down the dark alley, the rain pouring down his sleek black and white mullet like a gutter made of pure 60s, every fleeing step taking him further – further from his soulbrothers... further from his comrades in rock and roll... further from Starr, from Harrison, from Lennon.
Although their last words burn in his ears, he doesn't look back. Loving yet fully combat trained hippies, that's what his last memory of his bros is going to be, not the gruesome mindwrenching horror of three brave handsome young men ripped limb from limb by ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS in a miserable London back alley.
No.
And if he turns back and lets them catch him, well, shit. He'd be dishonouring their sacrifice. And he'd be breaking his pledge! He's sworn on their lives.
”Save the fecking music, man!” yelled Lennon, ”Arrrrrggg!”
”I will dudes! I will! I swear-ARGGGGGGGGGGH! STEVE IRWIN! What the shit are you doing here, bro?! Are you even born yet?”
Suddenly Stevo totally destroys Paul McCartney's nostalgic dreamtrip, and totally barges right past, smashing headfirst through the steel door marked in a strange DinoNazish symbol that seems to suggest...
”OH SHIT! ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS, COMRADES! FORM UP ON ME DUDES! THE BEATLES WILL HAVE THEIR FINAL REVENGE!”
As Paul mounts onto the nearby stage and the lights flood down, the three bowienauts and bowiecat catch a horrible glimpse – a horrible glimpse of Steve Irwin, surrounded in the next room by a dozen frothing ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS!
"Dudes,” interrupts Davy Crockett in a steadily trotting circular motion, ”My face! My face! Hold them off while I fix this hideous bleeding!"
”Miaoww?”
"By... er... I dunno, distract them, Schro-cat!”
”Miaowwwww...”
"Yeah! Let's do this! Wait, the bleeding...”
Ahead through the headcrushed steel door, Stevo stops a second in the swirling NAZI ROBOT TROOPER MELEE, turning back to wonder if he has just seen what he thinks he's just seen.
He has!
”Aw man, what the hell boet? Like... ewww...”
The bowienauts watch in horrified silence as Davy Crockett rubs himself all over with severed Mexican limbs whilst being carried in circles in the mouth of Archimedes' faithful steed!
...It does nothing for the bleeding!
"Blast... I feel... like I'm bleeding or something... Arg... Perhaps...”
”Er...” continues the relentless McCartney. "Let me tell you how it'll be, comrades!"
He swirls his guitar dramatically in the air, temporarily blinding Archimedes Two, who thereby suddenly remembers he's on fire!
...Archimedes Two entirely fails to do anything with his newly remembered knowledge!
”There's one of you and four of me
'Cos I'm a bad man, yeah, with a bad plan
Should my sequins appear too small
Be thankful you ain't seem them all
'Cos I'm a bad man, yeah, with a bad plan”
”Broer! You're on fire dude!” realises Archimedes One. ”Catch this!”
Archimedes One sprays Archimedes Two with water from his elemental medical arm!
It totally works!
Just then a ROBOT NAZI TROOPER storms through the doorway, diving headfirst through the air towards Paul, aiming a ROBOT NAZI HEADBUTT right in his face!
...But the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER bounces off one of the many sequins! He tumbles to the floor in a daze!
”Try to headbutt me and I'll beat your head!
Take on Steve and you'll soon be dead!
Davy Crockett'll fill you full of lead!
The Archies'll make you wish you'd fled!
Bad men!
We're pretty bad men! Yeah, yeah, yeah, bad men!”
In the vanguard room of ROBOT NAZI TROOPER DEATH, Steve Irwin is surrounded! There's a ROBOT NAZI TROOPER to the left of him! There's a ROBOT NAZI TROOPER to the right of him! THERE'S ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS LITERALLY ON EVERY SIDE – because he's surrounded! He just opened that door TOO HARD, MAN!
He spits in the dust like John Wayne.
”Shit, bra,” he mutters. ”You'se all gonna see some Aussie Wrestling, ROBOT NAZI mates!”
But just as he finishes, ROBOT NAZI TROOPER ONE jerks forward in a ROBOTY NAZIY kind of movement, and busts out a ROBOT NAZI UPPERCUT towards Stevo's chin!
”Yeah! Like this!”
...The ROBOT NAZI ATTACK is so clumsy that Stevo sidesteps, flicks the ROBOT NAZI into the air with a masterful Australian wrestling trick, catches the fiend by his toes in mid-fall, and snaps his ROBOT NAZI SPINE across his outbent knee!
”That's what I'm talking about, ROBOT SCUM! Crikey mate!”
”If you swing too high, we'll smash your knees
If you try to run, we've faster feet
If it gets too cold, we'll bring the heat
If you rig the odds, that's fine, we'll cheat
Bad men!
'Cos we're the bad men, yeah we're the bad men!”
In the dust and chaos of violent ROBOT NAZI COMBAT a second ROBOT NAZI steps forward to Steve Irwin, lithely leaping out to kick him right in the balls!
...But the ROBOT NAZI TROOPER is an incompetently programmed fool, stumbling right through where Stevo stood just a millisecond before and crashing into the ROBOT NAZI behind the Pro-Australian, preventing him from unleashing a vicious ROBOT NAZI KARATE CHOP!
There's only one foe left in position to strike at Stevo – and suddenly Schrödinger’s cat rushes forward, hoping to er... the um... distract the ah...
The fourth TROOPER punches Stevo right in the jaw, ...miraculously causing no damage at all!
”Yeah!” vents Stevo. ”Feel the power of my Australian skin, mates! Crikey!”
”Come and ask what ol' Ringo's for,
He'll smash your brains out onto the floor,
'Cos he's a bad man, yeah, yeah, yeah, a bad man...
Now my advice if you don't want to die,
Beware the death rays in Lennon's eye,
'Cos he's a bad man, yeah, yeah, yeah, a bad man...
What about poor George you say?
Well he'll shoot you down if you run away,
'Cos he's a bad man, yeah, yeah, yeah, a bad man...”
Suddenly the sky splits dramatically apart, but the bowienauts don't see it, because they're underground!
Then, from the very thin air itself, three iridescent forms materialise on the stage around McCartney.
They're being beamed in from another reality on waves of nanosequins!
McCartney plays on, ripping into the famous solo!
”And on drums...” he shouts into the mic, ”Level Five Beatle Barbarian, RINGO STARRRRRR!”
He twangles away on his musical sequinstrument.
”And on the left side guitar,” he stoops once again to announce, ”Level Five Beatle Deathmage, JO-HNNN LENNONNNN!!”
McCartney doesn't stop playing, surveying the futile attempts of the ROBOT NAZIS to wreak havoc as he builds to a hard pop climax.
”And joining me on the right side guitar,” he triumphantly wails, ”Level Five Beatle Guitar Slinger, GEORGE HARRISONNNNNNN!!”
The stage erupts in a frenzy of guitar as Ringo steps momentarily away from his drum set to stab the fallen NAZI TROOPER right through the skull with his drumsticks!
”Booyah!”
Suddenly Archimedes' horse quite spoils the moment by panicking at the sound of the raucous guitar music and stampeding off towards the doorway, crushing Schrödinger's Cat to death under his hooves of fury!
Death Acquired: Schrödinger's Cat: Crushed to Death!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Paul: +3 Beatle Bonus
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on March 15, 2013, 04:56:10 pm
Quote
Suddenly the sky splits dramatically apart, but the bowienauts don't see it, because they're underground!
I laughed pretty good there. And hooray this is alive and retching!
Post by: Tiruin on March 15, 2013, 05:04:53 pm
Post coming later.
Poor chap. Must've undergone equinophobia once. Huh.
Not a good way to go. Crushed under his own fears. Pretty original though.
Schrödinger’s Cat moved up by the squished remains - pretty much censored akin to comedic drama from the hooves - and peered closely at them, then at the horse which was in still-motion.
Yes, yes. Interesting. Shock and Awe causes trouble. Much trouble for the poor kitty.
The cat moved back to where its doppleganger was precluding its gruesome fate.
Alright, let's do this again.
Quantum Fur Ball > a clustered Nazi Trooper!
Post by: freeformschooler on March 16, 2013, 12:42:17 am
Post by: Toaster on March 19, 2013, 09:41:07 pm
FIRE THE WHITE SPEEDO at the biggest group of ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS.
Also, my Texas effect didn't decrement its timer.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on March 20, 2013, 08:17:50 am
Archimedes 1/2: Multiply this squared.
Estimated chance of
Post by: Tiruin on March 23, 2013, 06:18:59 am
Post by: Toaster on March 23, 2013, 10:16:30 am
Post by: lawastooshort on March 23, 2013, 05:05:41 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on March 24, 2013, 06:53:33 pm
(http://i.imgur.com/jdN6v1I.jpg): "Hey, boys! Long time no see! Thanks for the Clayboard, Lennon - really came in handy. But I've got a bigger problem now. Why don't you all play something to back my up while Davy gets back on his feet?"
Paul McCartney strums a healing chord for Davy Crockett, making him better. All the time.
Post by: lawastooshort on April 10, 2013, 06:56:21 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN NINE!
Quote from: Steve Irwin
Wrestle a goddamned crocodile
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Crikey mate!” shouts Steve Irwin, fairly obviously, ”I don’t know what to do! I barely even know what’s going on!”
He looks around in a mild panic at the surrounding horde of NAZI ROBOT TROOPERS.
”Oh shit yeah! A giant flaming robocroc, mates! Leave this little critter to me!”
As a strangely mechanical reptile scuttles across the room behind the horde of NAZI ROBOT TROOPERS, Stevo leaps gymnastically over, landing on his feet right in front of the deadly new foe.
He kicks it in the face!
…The robocroc bites his bleeding leg off, mates!
…And then chokes to death on it!
”Crikey mate!” hops Steve Irwin. ”Ouch!”
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severed Left Leg!
Quantum Fur Ball > a clustered Nazi Trooper!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
”Hrkkrkpffllfphrrhkk!” shouts Schrödinger’s Cat, suddenly reminded of something by this violent choking.
”Hrkkthhhhhhhttttfllfphrrhkk!” he comes again, circling dementedly in horrible violent spasms.
”Hrkkt hrkkk hrkkkk pfffflaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!” he triumphantly phlegms, as a furball of such quantum density that it forms, or deforms, or unforms into a rapidly moving beachball sized black hole as it flies directly towards the crowd of NAZI ROBOT TROOPERS surrounding the space where Steve Irwin used to stand last turn.
…Suddenly sucked up horizontal into the air, four of the politically discredited robots fly towards the intense darkness, and disappear into nothingness as the black hole shoots off through the wall and into the depths of the DinoLair!
”Harrumph,” says Schrödinger’s Cat, as he gently clears his throat and sets to nonchalantly licking the fur on the back of his front right paw.
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER THREE!
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER FOUR!
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER FIVE!
Being Sucked Into a Black Hole Acquired: ROBOT NAZI TROOPER SIX!
FIRE THE WHITE SPEEDO at the biggest group of ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"Tarnation!" cries Davy Crockett, bleeding to death and ignoring the feline destruction before him, whilst still, I think, being carried in the mouth of the circling Archimedian horse and somehow travelling Texaswards – the most American of directions.
"Where are the limbshovings of yesteryear? The Abomination Class has failed me at the final hurdle! Lumithos, I need your aid!"
Davy Crockett starts gyrating his hips suggestively at the sky, and suddenly there is a cracking sound as the solid rock in front of the five or six or seven bowienauts and assembled Beatles splits apart!
”You rang, milord?”
Davy stops seductively thrusting his groin to look curiously about him. He sees no source of this strange reptilian yet somehow educatedly villainous British voice.
"Lumithos?" he thrusts, with a more questioning movement.
”Oh shit!” cries the small hamster staring up at him. ”You’re not DinoHITLER! How can you summ-”
"And you’re not Lumithos?!" shouts Crockett looking down in a fearful rage, desperately trying to halt the pulsing crotch beneath his WHITE SPEEDO.
"You’re…"
”Oh crikey mate!” shouts Steve Irwin, falling over slightly to the left, ”The fiendish Heinrich Hamster, left-hand man of DinoHITLER himself!! Aw mate, you’ve blown it now, Davy! Halt the flamin’ speedo, mate! Stop your bleeding groin, Davy!”
"I can’t stop the groin, Stevo! It’s too strong for me! The WHITE SPEEDO of Lumithos is going all wrong!! Nooooooooooooooooo!"
…Multiple blasts of WHITE SPEEDO light flame out of Crockett’s groin area, turning first multi-coloured and then viciously, abhorrently black as they speed towards the crouching and terrified Nazi Hamster, blasting him right between the eyes and then shattering into vast mighty shards of hideous BLACK SPEEDO power that fly through the air, crack, blast, and reduce the last six ROBOT NAZI TROOPERS to crumbled pieces of broken metal.
There’s an explosion.
There’s an impenetrable cloud of Nazi-looking smoke.
As a gentle sound of harmonious vocals and accompanying guitars, bass and drums pierces the evil smoke, the bowienauts are appalled to look upwards and see, as the smoke begins to fade, the shattered pieces of ROBOT NAZI TROOPER levitate into the sky, as if drawn together by some evil and mysterious… GIANT NAZI HAMSTER HEAD?
”Oh crikey mate!” realises Steve Irwin before anyone else, being the expert on wildlife that he is, ”You’ve killed Heinrich Hamster, mate! And you’ve only gone and created a bleeding ROBOT NAZI GIANT HAMSTER with your uncontrollable groin! You doofus, Crockett!”
Steve Irwin is, again, at least on the subject of wildlife, right.
A giant Nazi Hamster Mecha stands towering before them.
Paul McCartney strums a healing chord for Davy Crockett, making him better. All the time.
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
The heat of battle. The musty smell of testosterone. Blood. Charred metal. Sick. Hamsters… hamsters? The aid of the fickle god Lumithos? It can mean only one thing!
”Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
McCartney stares in horror at the abomination standing before them. He stares at the abomination that is his friend. An abomination wounded; sick-covered; travelling ineluctably towards… towards Texas! Towards Texas and freedom! But no!
Davy Crockett’s life is bleeding out onto the floor in a cruel circle drawn by the whims of a possibly imaginary Greek man’s possibly imaginary cat-murdering horse.
”You can’t fall now, our Dave!”
Paul McCartney turns to his recently materialised old companions.
"Hey, boys! Long time no see! Thanks for the Clayboard, Lennon - really came in handy. But I've got a bigger problem now. Why don't you all play something to back my up while Davy gets back on his feet? A one, a two, a one two three…"
…There’s an explosion.
An explosion of anti-Nazi rock and roll!
An explosion of Joy!
An explosion… of Davy Crockettness!
With beams of musical healing shooting from Paul McCartney’s magical healing music-mouth, Davy Crockett is blasted with incredible force between the jaws of Archimedes’ horse, who swallows him whole in the shock.
Suddenly the horse flies apart in a terrible incident of unwanted horsemeat!
Davy Crockett emerges!
He’s covered in blood!
But… but… horse blood? He bleeds no more! He grows! He pulses with musical loveliness! He shoots up with giant healingness as far as the ceiling and…
…and is transformed into a terrifying ENORMOCROCKETT! He stands fully as tall as the evil Hamster Mecha who still defies him!
He notices that he is quite tall, and the intuitive thought occurs to him that he has healed thirty nine hit points this turn!
”THANKS, PAUL!” he booms.
”Erm! Crikey!”
Giant Stature Acquired: +1 to being hit; +2 to strength rolls.
Archimedes 1/2: Multiply this squared.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Interesting,” observes one of the Archimedes.
”Yes,” observes the other.
”Shall we do some maths?”
”That would probably be best, yes.”
”Right-oh!”
”Oh bugger.”
”Hmm.”
…The pair of Archimedes weave a deadly and apparently bloodthirty web of magical bonuses! It totally affects everyone in sight!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Paul: +3 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +1 to being hit; +2 to strength rolls.
Bowienauts: +2 mathematical to hit bonus.
Enemies: +2 mathematical to hit bonus.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on April 10, 2013, 11:32:52 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 14, 2013, 02:42:58 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on April 15, 2013, 07:27:49 am
(http://i.imgur.com/jdN6v1I.jpg): "Love makes the world go 'round! Or something like that. Er."
...and blasted him with the POWER OF GENTLE LOVING!
Post by: Tiruin on April 15, 2013, 07:34:40 am
Schrödinger’s Cat felt...a disturbance.
Hamsters.
Tussle with the enemy fiends! By that, I mean try to get into that mecha!
Post by: Toaster on April 15, 2013, 09:04:10 am
While moving Texasward still, throw chunks of masonry/enemies/room/anything large at the MECHARODENT!
Post by: lawastooshort on April 16, 2013, 09:37:18 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN TEN!
In the Upper Depths of DinoHITLER’s NastyLair, the gears of a giant Nazi hamster mecha grind into action!
A giant-toothed hamster brain peers out!
He laughs an evil laugh!
”Muhahahahah!”
INTRODUCING: MONK12: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMHAM BOT!
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Quote from: Steve Irwin
Wrestle another goddamned crocodile
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
But just as the giant motorised rodent is about to introduce himself, up pops a crazed Australian, …chasing a passing crocodile!
…He bleeds over it ineffectually, only managing to slightly dampen the poor reptile with his arm-stump for five choking damage!
The angry croc strikes back, leaping up with gaping jaws and …luckily only severing Stevo’s face!
”Aw Jesus Christ mates! Crikey! The burning face-pain! Shit!”
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Severed Face!
Delicious delicious cheese.
And I think I'll introduce myself by going Yoko Ono on Paul McCartney's Beatles- Fire Exploding Minions!
”Muhahahahah!” continues Heinrich Hamster, discretely munching on a six foot length of cheese in the gaps between his words.
”As I was saying, I am Heinrich Hamster! Wondrous and Mighty Underling of DinoHITLER! En garde!”
It is hard to tell if he speaks with an English or German accent. He looks around him, surveying his dangerous foes.
”Ach!” he suddenly squeaks, ”Musicians! Everyone knows hamsters can’t abide musicians! Take this!”
…His plasmaelectrolaserrocketarm whirring into blue-glowing evil action, Heinrich Hamster shoots a fully automatic burst of a single exploding minion right in …John Lennon’s face!
The tiny robotic hamster bounces off Lennon’s nose and drops to the floor with a hollow clunk.
”Ha ha!” cries John Lennon, ”You can’t get me, you evil hamster!”
But then!
The robominion explodes with terrifying fury, severing the feet; they fly off upwards in an arc! They pierce the rib tendon! They shatter the liver fat! They sever the heart!
Lennon passes out from the pain!
”Noooooooo! Not again John!! Not another robodeath!”
”Muhahahahah!” gloats Heinrich Hamster!
ENORMOCROCKETT
While moving Texasward still, throw chunks of masonry/enemies/room/anything large at the MECHARODENT!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
In a pool of putrefied horse stands the ENORMOCROCKETT!
No longer able to speak in a normal voice, he cries like the very prairie-thunder itself at the vile rodent death-merchant before him, earnestly ENORMOCROCKETTING as he does so!
"TARNATION! THIS IS MORE LIKE IT! HAVE AT YOU, FIEND! I… AM… ENORMOCROCKETT!"
...He ENORMOCROCKETTS with immense success, healing 11 hit points under the power of McCartney’s tremendous though grief-stricken song and seemingly growing even taller!
"HAHAHA! JUST THE THING BEFORE THROWING A LARGE QUANTITY OF MASONRY OR SOMETHING AT A LARGE MECHAHAMSTER!"
”Careful though Davy! I don’t know how long the overcharged powers of my most excellent song will have an effect! Hopefully you will only shrink to your original size if they cease!”
"HAHAHA! WHAT?!"
Davy briefly ponders, but then moves quickly towards Texas, realising his enormous size means he has an enormous heart which pangs more enormously for his almost equally vast spiritual home! He seizes the nearest piece of falling masonry between his teeth and flings it at Heinrich Hamster’s chest, striking it with the power of a +3 strength bonus! The chest is fractured! It looks quite painful!
Wound Acquired: Heinrich Hamster: Fractured Chest!
Archimedes: Double Heat ray against the closest enemy
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Seeing the giant hamster recoil from the strike inspires both Archimedes: they lift up their dresses and quite literally flash at him – with arrays of many leg-mounted mirrors!
…The first blast only lightly singes the fringes of his dress; but the second Archimedes, deep underground, …sends a burst of concentrated sunlight straight at MechaHamster’s groin! It immediately sets on fire!
Burning Groin Acquired: Heinrich Hamster: Burning Groin!
Tussle with the enemy fiends! By that, I mean try to get into that mecha!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
Far below the burning crotch, a small cat senses a disturbance.
Hamsters.
Possibly.
”Miaow!”
With a fearsome miaow, Schrödinger’s Cat throws himself into the air with all his might, …bravely bouncing off the armoured leg of Heinrich Hamster!
”Miaow.”
...and blasted him with the POWER OF GENTLE LOVING!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
Last up is Paul. Brave Paul McCartney. Sad Paul McCartney. Shorn once more of his song writing heterosexual life partner McCartney.
He stands between the two towering behemoths – mighty and literal symbols of American Freedom versus Burning Nazi Mechanised Rodents.
It’s clear that this fight will be between the Nazi Ham Ham and Davy’s Texas Fist.
But that doesn’t mean ENORMOCROCKETT might not benefit from a little help from his friends…
McCartney points his guitar at the naughty nibbling Nazi.
"Love makes the world go 'round! Or something like that. Er.”
…Nothing happens!
"Oh. Er.”
(http://i.imgur.com/jdN6v1I.jpg)
…But then the surviving Beatles join in!
The harmony is pleasing to the ear, and softens Heinrich Hamster’s little rodent heart!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Bowienauts: +2 mathematical to hit bonus (one more turn).
Enemies: +2 mathematical to hit bonus (one more turn).
Heinrich Hamster: -2 Sadness Penalty to combat rolls (two turns)
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on April 16, 2013, 09:47:59 am
Can Crockett vomit at will by thinking about his own face?
Post by: freeformschooler on April 16, 2013, 09:48:12 am
Post by: Toaster on April 16, 2013, 10:01:18 am
That giant... rat? Well, he had done something similar on a dare in his youth. This shouldn't be a problem, right? Just have to get the ears.
"ROBOT RAT, YOU LOOK PRETTY TASTY!"
Wrestle the Hamster down and pin his ears back! If successful, OM NOM NOM
"IF ONE OF YOU COULD GET SOME BUTTER OR SOMETHING SLICK ON HIM, THAT WOULD HELP TOO!"
Post by: Tiruin on April 16, 2013, 11:42:08 am
Too many others to fight, not that I ever wanted to in the first place.
Claw at the leg of the largest enemy.
Post by: lawastooshort on April 17, 2013, 02:25:36 am
Shall we:
1 - have him wrestle crocodiles every turn until a) Talarion appears or b) Stevo bleeds to death
2 - replace him with a randomly selected waitlister in suitably dramatic fashion
3 - another option I haven't considered
Post by: Toaster on April 17, 2013, 09:28:09 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on April 26, 2013, 12:38:35 pm
Archimedes 2: Ahum. 3
...
,1
...
4592...
Post by: freeformschooler on April 26, 2013, 02:24:12 pm
Paul runs toward Heimrich Hamster, hops on his clayboard and aims for the hamster mecha's head!
"Oh, don't fail me now, hoverswor.!"
Paul prepares to jump off the clayboard at the last minute! Ideally disfiguring Heimrich horribly!
Post by: lawastooshort on May 03, 2013, 03:08:12 pm
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN ELEVEN!
I could've sworn I already sent a turn in!
And I could’ve sworn I knew what was going on! But no!
Quote from: Steve Irwin
Wrestle another goddamned crocodile
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Steve Irwin has no leg and no face. Crikey!
Naturally he dives onto the nearest passing crocodile and starts wrestling it into submission, …without a great deal of success, …but crikey - it’s a flamin’ STEVO croc, mate, and it’s come fully equipped with its own film crew!
The crocodile starts commenting on Steve Irwin’s wrestling technique, calling him a feisty little critter, and directing his film crew to come and just pop the cheeky fella right there in that cage there so we can study him in safety and set him free later, mate!
…At the last minute the crocodile throws Steve Irwin off its back, and suddenly the film crew leap on Stevo, and trap the little blighter in a small cage!
The crocodile turns to face the camera, almost as if explaining that-
”-one of yer fairly typical Steve Irwins, caught right in his natural habitat, gor, what a beaut, eh? Crikey. We’re just gonna keep him in this cage while he bleeds to death so he doesn’t bite any of our fingers off, yeah?”
The crocodile turns away slightly to the cameraman.
”Did you get that, yeah? How was that? Crikey, he was a feisty little bugger weren’t he? Eh? Eh? Crikey!”
GO GO HAMSTER BALL OF DOOM!
Heinrich Hamster cares NAUGHT about the capture of Steve Irwin for the advancement of crocodile botanyology.
…With a grinding creak and crunch and whir he deploys a giant and obviously nazi hamster ball out the top of his head, and bounces it relentlessly about the cavern!
…It bounces first towards Steve Irwin, severely bruising his cage!
…It crashes across the ceiling and smashes into Archimedes Mark II, fracturing the ribs!
…It whams off the wall and obliterates all trace of Schrödinger’s Cat, leaving nowt but a small red streak!
…Schrödinger’s Cat reappears out of nowhere, only to be immediately broken in the legs!
As he leans back to laugh an evil laugh, suddenly Heinrich the MECHAHAMSTER realises he hasn’t gnawed anything this turn!
His laughter chokes and turns to tears of pain as he accidentally gnaws through his face!
It totally bleeds!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes Mark II: Fractured Ribs!
Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat: Death!
Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat: Broken Legs!
Wound Acquired: Heinrich Hamster: Gnawed Face!
Claw at the leg of the largest enemy.
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
Schrödinger’s Cat flinches at the horrible sound of evil laughter turning to evil tears, and advances stubbornly, despite his four broken legs, towards the rodent robot, propelling himself with violent pushes from his bushy whiskers.
He claws feebly at the solid titanium mecha legs!
…He collapses from the pain!
Archimedes 1: !!Heinrich Hamster!! + Water = Rongeur au bain Marie
Archimedes 2: Ahum. 3
...
,1
...
4592...
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Nazi mecha rodents are no different.
Gently conjuring a great quantity of water directly above the head of Heinrich Hamster, Archimedes clicks his fingers and …extinguishes the robot’s burning groin.
Awesome!
But wait! Things are soon looking up, as Archimedes Mark II whips out his scroll of Pi to three hundred decimal places.
He clears his throat.
He starts reading in a dull and onerous voice.
”Three
Point
One
Four
Five
Nine
Sev-OH MY GOD SOMEONE’S DEFACED THE SCROLL OF PI! I! YOU! THE! UGG! AHHGG! THE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
…Archimedes Mark II begins to turn green!
He begins to double in size!
He…
OH CRAP!
It’s a terrible terrible case of nerdraehggggg!!!1
It’s…
IT’S THE INCREDIBLE HULCHIMEDES!
Hulchimedes flexes his oversized green biceps and rips the offending scroll to smithereens! He throws it to the floor! He jumps up and down until it is crushed into tiny bits of scroll dust and then runs at the nearest maths-hating philistine and smashes the poor little kitty into the dirt!
Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat: Death!
HE’S TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!
Paul runs toward Heinrich Hamster, hops on his clayboard and aims for the hamster mecha's head!
Paul prepares to jump off the clayboard at the last minute! Ideally disfiguring Heinrich horribly!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
Thanks to the vagaries of the initiative system, Paul McCartney TOTALLY IGNORES the Incredible Hulchimedes eying him up in a less than friendly manner to instead expound the TRUTH.
"No! Not a NAZI ROBOT HAMSTER TROOPER!" he finally realises, about a turn after everyone else and possibly for the second time but I haven’t checked.
"Boys: our REAL problem here is Hamsters are far, far too adorable to defeat. Even nazi robot trooper hamsters."
A brief light shines off Paul's sequinned guitar and illuminates his face.
"I know how to fix that." he says, menacingly. "Oh yeah. I know how to fix that RIGHT IN HIS FACE!"
…McCartney draws his hoversword and clambers aboard, feeling the power of BEATLES bless his ascent.
"Oh, don't fail me now, hoversword!" he cries, aiming the swordy-board upwards with a nimble twitch of his feet.
He flies through the air!
He shoots through the skies!
He pierces Heinrich Hamster’s face, totally ruining his look!
He floats to the floor on a cloud of BEATLE, waving goodbye to the hovering greatsword he’s left sticking out of the mecharodent’s forehead.
Heinrich feels sad at his ruined handsomeness and has nostalgic regretful flashbacks of the last time an attractive young woman told him he was adorable.
It certainly won't happen again now, he realises.
You know how I feel about you...
Great giant hamster tears fall from his face.
Surely... between you and Hilda...
At least no more friendships will be ruined by inappropriate declarations at just the wrong time, he thinks!
I'm sorry... I'd... I'd had too much to drink...
Regretful nostalgia fills him deeply, and the tears continue to fall.
She could have been the One! he thinks to himself. We would have been together for ever!
But no.
She moved to London and Heinrich never saw her again.
Wrestle the Hamster down and pin his ears back! If successful, OM NOM NOM
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
On the other side of the massive oversized abomi-beast powerscale balance, things are not nearly as sad. They are, in fact, positively joyful.
Texas! realises ENORMOCROCKETT, so enormous that even his thoughts can be heard from dozens of feet away, My darling! With my new giant stature, I should be able to see you from here, when we get outside!
His heart fills with joy – TEXAS! His one true love! Well, TEXAS and FREEDOM, and shootin’ stuff, and swallowing roadki-
WAIT!
That giant... rat? Well, I did something similar on a dare in mah youth. This shouldn't be a problem, right? Just have to get the ears!
He booms a challenge to the nazi rodent.
"ROBOT RAT, YOU LOOK PRETTY TASTY!" he shouts, before turning deafeningly to his friends.
"IF ONE OF YOU COULD GET SOME BUTTER OR SOMETHING SLICK ON HIM, THAT WOULD HELP TOO! GRAVY? MUSTARD? WAIT! HE'S BLEEDING ALL OVER HIS FACE! PERFECT!"
Striding mercilessly over, ENORMOCROCKETT grapples in a suggestive manner with HEINRICH HAMSTER, NASTY NAZI MECHAHAMSTER! ...He totally pins back the hamster's ears!
...DAVY CROCKETT EATS HEINRICH HAMSTER!
Holy crap.
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Heinrich Hamster: -2 Sadness Penalty to combat rolls (one turn)
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on May 03, 2013, 03:59:14 pm
Post by: monk12 on May 03, 2013, 07:09:32 pm
Gyahaahahha.
Since when are you that fat Shinra guy from FFVII?
Post by: freeformschooler on May 03, 2013, 07:12:03 pm
Post by: Toaster on May 07, 2013, 08:31:38 am
Progress down the dungeon toward our next objective. Digest my tasty meal.
Post by: lawastooshort on May 07, 2013, 08:52:17 am
Perhaps I'm not the only one a bit unsure as to what we're doing next?
Yeah probably not, sorry - I was going to come back to this but was then unexpectedly busy, so it was either an update with no clear route of progression or none at all. I'll post a transitional turn as soon as I can (although I am a bit busy halfway through an update for a certain other rtd at the moment).
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 07, 2013, 12:38:24 pm
Archimedes 2: Smash non plot important people. Also, don't smash yourself. That'd create timetravel trouble.
Post by: Tiruin on May 07, 2013, 08:49:13 pm
Two, four...root of five. What just happened?
Latch onto nearest mobile organism and/or follow the humans.
Post by: lawastooshort on May 20, 2013, 06:24:06 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN TWELVE!
Quote from: Steve Irwin
Wrestle the croc-box! Get out of there! We are not a specimen!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
”Arg! Crikey mates, lemme out! I’m an Australian, you can’t do this to me!”
Steve Irwin is displeased.
He tries to wrestle his way out of the crocodile’s specimen box.
…It doesn’t work.
Quote from: Crocodile Irwin
Keep him in there guys! Crikey!
”Crikey mates, he’s an Australian, don’t let’im out of there! What else do Australians say? Crikey?”
…The TV crew poke Steve Irwin with sticks.
Latch onto nearest mobile organism and/or follow the humans.
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
”Two, four...root of five. What just happened? Is this even my right colour?”
Schrödinger’s Cat is confused.
”MIAOW?”
The GM is unsure of what colour he normally uses for the cat.
…The cat leaps up onto Paul McCartney and latches onto his luscious hair with his claws.
”Onwards!”
Archimedes 1: Panic, no wait. Don't panic. Fire the medical Water arm at Hulkimedes, as riot control.
Archimedes 2: Smash non plot important people. Also, don't smash yourself. That'd create timetravel trouble.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes is panicking. No! Wait! Not panicking! He shoots his medical water arm at the rampaging HULKIMEDES.
…HULKIMEDES IS BLASTED THROUGH THE NEXT ROOM! THE ROOM OF ARCHIMEDES’ DOOM!
The way suddenly being clear, the surviving non-boxed bowienauts see before them a legion of roman soldiers, a great score torn through their midst by the medical water propelled rock wall debris.
Hundreds of them survive however, and they look pretty pissed at Archimedes.
HULKIMEDES is HULKIMEDES.
…HULKIMEDES has vague memories of his future not-death in the past and is pretty pissed at the Romans for killing him! He wades into close combat with the Roman legion, picks up a Roman, and smashes some of the less important looking ones with his Roman-cudgel!
Quote from: Paul McCartney
Take no action this turn!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
…Paul McCartney is relaxing after a hard day’s night. He and George and Ringo wander off behind a nearby column of rock and share illegal substances in the back of a taxi.
Suddenly McCartney realises he is on the back of a giant albatross armed with machine guns!
He has a cat attached to his hair!
Progress down the dungeon toward our next objective. Digest my tasty meal.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
ENORMOCROCKETT is laughing.
”Gyahaahahha.”
…He progresses down the dungeon towards his next objective!
He joins HULKIMEDES in wading through the Roman legion that was supposed to be Archimedes’ fateful challenge!
The far wall crumbles under his rumbling ground shaking step.
The bowienauts look ahead.
They see a moat.
Behind the moat they see a platoon of flying emus.
AND SUDDENLY.
Behind the flying emus!
DINOHITLER
ENORMOCROCKETT smashes a Roman legionnaire in the head.
Escape this digestive doom via my extradimensional Nazi Hamster Warren! Use the surprise maneuver to gnaw Archimedes II in the face!
Heinrich Hamster is being digested.
HE’S DISPLEASED.
…He summons an extradimensional Nazi Hamster Warren and escapes, appearing from an unexpected angle and gnawing HULKIMEDES right in the face!
…He misses.
He looks up.
”Oh, hello, mein dinoHITLER!”
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: DINOHITLER: CHIEF OF ALL EVIL (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 20, 2013, 07:15:22 am
Post by: lawastooshort on May 20, 2013, 07:22:06 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 20, 2013, 07:25:41 am
Post by: lawastooshort on May 20, 2013, 07:51:07 am
Post by: Toaster on May 20, 2013, 08:27:33 am
Only one way to find out!
Remove the bandages! Assail the enemies with my ENORMOTRIPLEARMLEGUPSIDEDOWNFACEFACE! Attempt to catch a reflection of my face in a legionnaire shield, and sweep them away with a horrible tide of ENORMOVOMIT!
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 20, 2013, 08:52:54 am
Post by: freeformschooler on May 20, 2013, 02:22:17 pm
"What? Oh. Albatross, machine guns, right right." Paul McCartney puffs up his chest. "Let's gittem, Betsy!"
Paul McCartney rides the albatross toward Dinohitler, firing wildly. Amazing the things hallucinogens can do!
Post by: lawastooshort on May 20, 2013, 04:10:58 pm
((Holy nuts, this is it. THE REAL FINAL BOSS, DINOHITLER.))
((Yes I know, crikey. If I have gained one thing through running the same game till its end for over 15 months it's that I now say crikey a lot more than I did.
Anyone who submitted a sheet but never made it and wants to play as a talking part extra with extra violence (i.e. fight a bit but not in this thread) can very gladly go here (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=126233.msg4259560#msg4259560) to defend sequindom))
Post by: Toaster on May 20, 2013, 08:31:03 pm
Though there does appear to have been a paucity of "Strewth" in this thread.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 21, 2013, 12:09:06 pm
Archimedes: Kindly request a miracle.
Archimedes, stricken by the view of all these deadly and destructive enemies,
Oh, Apollo, god of light, embodiment of the sun, Seer of past and future, Healer of Disease, Master of plagues, Divinity of Music and poetry, ecetera ecetera, Hear me.
The athmosphere in the room changes, some of the DinoHitlers evil minnions whimper feeling the presence of this majestic diety, and soft jazz music starts playing in the background.
Archimedes, knowing he has found a listening ear with his god, or at least with his voicemail, continues his prayer in the traditional Greek style. (ie, using overcomplicated rethorics while fighting of several mortal enemies.)
Post by: lawastooshort on May 21, 2013, 04:16:21 pm
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN THIRTEEN!
WHAT'S THIS?
IS IT THE SOUND OF APPROACHING SOFT JAZZ?
...The forces confronting the brave bowienauts are vast.
A thousand Romans.
Untold flying emus.
A moat full of stingrays.
DinoHITLER.
Heinrich HAMSTER.
Joseph GERBILS even if he hates being called that now.
A TV CREW with an Australian CROCODILE.
Paul McCartney rides the albatross toward Dinohitler, firing wildly. Amazing the things hallucinogens can do!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"Let's gittem, Betsy!"
THE BOWIENAUTS HAVE PAUL MCCARTNEY, RIDING HIS WAR ALBATROSS.
…But the albatross is totally out of control, mate! The sixteen machine guns in his wings blaze away like gods of albatross warfare, streaking down towards dinoHITLER in an alba-rage, hurtling towards the flock of flying emus and crashing to the ground in a storm of exploding albatross and emu feather!
Over half of the flying emus are destroyed in one giant mushroom ball of exploding albatross fuel: the rest angrily surround Paul McCartney as he floats gently to the ground under his Beatles-chute!
George and Ringo fight their way through the Roman legion using violent musical techniques until they stand by their friend’s side.
Back to back the threesome face the circle of everclosing flying emus.
Suddenly the shadow of ENORMOCROCKETT looms large over the cave.
Quote from: Steve Irwin
Bust the hell out of this cage and wrestle the nearest crocodile, mate, strewth!
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Stevo doesn’t wanna drown! He don’t wanna die! He just wants to wrestle crocs and say crikey, mate!
…He busts the crap out of that cage and leaps at his evil croco-captor – …he subdues the little blighter and rides him like a pony!
Stevo starts revving the engine! He can get that croc right up to fifty, mate! Strewth!
Quote from: My in depth knowledge of cats
Miaoul the Randomly Selected Enemy!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
Schrödinger’s Cat suddenly turns into THREE Schrödinger’s Cats! Hissing and arching his or her back it leaps towards Ares the Roman Legionnaire, opens its fearsome jaws, …and hacks up an enormous miniature black hole!
Ares the Roman Legionnaire is sucked into the black hole and as everybody knows when you get sucked into a black hole you explode in a massive ball of antimatter!
Shards of extremely dense Roman Legionnaire fly through the ranks of Romans, showering everything around with blood and nudity!
About three hundred Romans collapse to the ground bleeding and groaning.
The nearest Sequinometer registers HIGH on the sequin scale!
Hulkimedes: Smash Plotimportant enemies
Archimedes: Kindly request a miracle.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Realising that the exploding antimatter Roman was about to stab him to death a bit, Archimedes decides not to explain about actual real physics and mathematics and overcomplicatedness!
Perhaps next turn!
Instead he beholdens yon HULKIMEDES to go forth and prosper, traveling onwards until he doth become a master in the art of smashing the crap out of plotimportant bad guys!
...This goes pretty well for him! Sneaking along as well as a HULKIMEDES might, he suddenly sneaks into the night time toilet of Paul McCartney – and finds a hideous pair of nazis who are hopefully dinosaurs but who knows!
...Otto the Nazi dodges HULKIMEDES' right hook!
But this just gets him ANGRIER!
HULKIMEDES headbutts Jochen the sidekick nazi's guts off!
Jochen the sidekick nazi instableeds to death!
Meanwhile, Archimedes looks on with quiet approval, secretly admiring the wanton bloodlust of his erstwhile other self, and formulates his cunning plan.
He prays for a miracle!
...It doesn't really wor- OH WAIT
SUDDENLY THERE IS THE ROAR OF ENGINES!
(http://tnypic.net/c3022.png)
”Hey, ladies…”
(http://tnypic.net/40a92.png)
”Cave, DinoHitler, Rex Dinosaurorum! Celeriter vincam te! Sed tincidunt quam flere Pimpmobile invidia. Præparamini!”
(http://tnypic.net/2292b.png)
Two hundred and seventy two of the remaining Romans fall to the floor, overcome with lust and seduction!
IT'S THE HOLY ROMAN PIMPERATOR!
Remove the bandages! Assail the enemies with my ENORMOTRIPLEARMLEGUPSIDEDOWNFACEFACE! Attempt to catch a reflection of my face in a legionnaire shield, and sweep them away with a horrible tide of ENORMOVOMIT!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
The sound of stomping echoes across the battlefield.
‘Tis ENORMOCROCKETT, MONSTROUS KING OF THE WILD FRONTIER!
Oh crap.
He strides over the Pimpmobile.
”Sup, Davy! Nice face, boet!”
”Yup. Even though it's changed a bit I think you're gonna recognise it,” warns Crockett. ”It's the face of Texan freedom.”
He’s unwrapping his face.
”I suggest you look away, oh pimperator.”
…Four hundred and twenty eight Romans.
…Half the untold flying emus.
…A moat full of stingrays.
…DinoHITLER himself.
…Heinrich HAMSTER.
…Joesph GERBILS.
…A TV CREW.
ALL BEAR WITNESS TO:
(http://asuartmuseum.asu.edu/collections/cuba/images/vomit.jpg)
The Four hundred and twenty eight Romans resist! Half of the untold flying emus all do little babysicks in their mouths! It's distracts them heavily next turn! The moat full of stingrays vomits! The stingrays leap out of the sick-filled moat onto dry land, and retch till their throats hurt! About half of them choke to death! DinoHITLER throws up his breakfast all over his shoes! His OCD gives him serious gyp! Heinrich Hamster is partially in another dimension. HE EVADES THE HORRIBLE VOMIT INDUCER! Unlike his colleague in HEINOUS NAZISAURDOM: JOSEPH GERBILS PUKES OUT HIS LEFT KIDNEY! HE STARTS TO BLEED!
Luckily the TV crew are mostly OK, and continue filming.
…For ENORMOCROCKETT doth catch a glimpse of his own face in the shiny part of the nearest Roman’s shield!
…Four hundred and twenty eight Romans.
…Half the untold flying emus.
…A moat full of stingrays.
…DinoHITLER himself.
…Heinrich HAMSTER.
…Joesph GERBILS.
…A TV CREW.
There's a tectonic vomit event! It's like 7.8 on the Rod Steiger scale!
A couple hundred of the Romans are washed away in a tsunami of sick!
The half of the flying emus ARE NEVER SEEN AGAIN! Their bodies are totally digested!
The stingray realise they have leapt out of the frying pan full of vomit into the fire of harder vomit!
They die of vomit!
DinoHITLER is swept backwards a hundred feet, smashing marble columns and expensive French furniture like so much easily breakable stuff. His 4 is 3 and his 1 is 5!
Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER: FRACTURED GUTS!
Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER: SEVERED FACE!
Heinrich HAMSTER uses his other dimension to totally avoid the tide of gutspume!
Joseph GERBILS... JOSEPH GERBILS HAD JUST OPENED HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK! HIS MOUTH IS FILLED WITH CROCKOVOM!
HIS THROAT IS FILLED WITH AMERICAN DIGESTIONARY JUICE!
HIS GUTS ARE FILLED WITH THE CONTENTS OF DAVY CROCKETT'S GUTS!
BOOM!
The exploding Joseph GERBILS annihilates the film crew, destroying the moment for posterity!
Quote from: Otto Skorzeny von Skorzeny & Jochen Peiper at the Gates of Dawn
Action: Sneak into McCartney's toilet at night and become a sign:Spoiler: Suddenly, a wild sign appears! (click to show/hide)
Avoiding the flood of vomit by being behind ENORMOCROCKETT, like the other people not mentioned above, apart from Paul McCartney, who we will get to shortly, and Otto van Dino, to whom we will also get shortly, the surviving nazi sneaky dino thing sneaks into McCartney's toilet and ...is so distracted by nearly falling in and down the toilet he forgets to transform into a sign!
Quote from: Otto van Dino
Action: Otto bites HORRIBLE FACE GUY! Also, if the Squad Leader ability is accepted, he summons his squad and orders them to attack.
...Just then Otto van Dino, to whom we have finally got, leaps out of his hiding place in ENORMOCROCKETT's ENORMOPOCKETS, and strikes Davy hard in the guts! They bleed severely!
Otto van Dino shouts some kind of dinonazi stuff and three of his dinohomies appear! Also in Crockett's pockets!
Wound Acquired: Davy ENORMOCROCKETT: Severely Bleeding Guts!
Quote from: Ares
Stab archimedes
Ares goes to stab Archimedes, but lost initiative and died about five pages back! Them's the breaks!
About a minute ago, Paul McCartney looked up to see ENORMOCROCKETT remove his bandages from his hideous face.
Oh dear.
...He retches all down his nice clothes! He tries to hold it in, but can't! His cheeks burst gutfroth all over his treasured guitar!
He looks up to the sky in despair!
He sees the approaching wave of vomit just in time!
...He whips out his speedoguts, and uses their amazing elasticity to capture all of the vomit headed his way and store it for later!
He smells pretty bad!
HAMSTER BALL OF DOOM GO
[color=a really nazi colour]"Mein dinoFUHRER!!”[/color] shouts a sudden voice.
"Beware! Assassins! I shall save you!”
It's HEINRICH HAMSTER, MOST VOMIT RESISTANT NAZI HENCHMAN OF HISTORY.
...He spits out a terrible ball of doom from his massive nazi hamster cheeks!
Schrödinger’s Cat is smashed to smithereens!
Wound Acquired: Schrödinger’s Cat: DEATH!
Three Roman Legionnaires are crushed to tiny pieces!
DinoHITLER himself is fractured in the leg!
The RIGHT leg!
Now he'll have to depend on his most communist leg!
Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER: FRACTURED RIGHT LEG!
And I think the final victim of Heinrich HAMSTER and this turn is Otto van Dino, both of whose legs are blasted off at the knee!
Wound Acquired: Otto van Dino: SEVERED LEGS!
Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:
Paul: +2 Beatle Bonus
Davy: Giant Stature Bonus: +2 to being hit; +3 to strength rolls.
Spoiler: Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: DINOHITLER: CHIEF OF ALL EVIL (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on May 21, 2013, 04:26:19 pm
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 21, 2013, 04:29:43 pm
Realising that the exploding antimatter Roman was about to stab him to death a bit, Archimedes decides not to explain about actual real physics and mathematics and overcomplicatedness!>:(
Hence why I'm also not going to point out that Roman legions contained around 6000 men.
Post by: lawastooshort on May 21, 2013, 04:59:21 pm
Post by: monk12 on May 21, 2013, 05:00:49 pm
Not if they've been... seximated?
An apt term, considering the proximity of the Pimperator.
Post by: Tiruin on May 21, 2013, 07:32:57 pm
Three. Three.
It's now three. Once was three; my lives are three.
All these statistics, as well as the lack of hope for anything else left a bad taste in the Cat's mouth.
And then there was the furball, hurled at the Roman Legion.
Post by: Toaster on May 21, 2013, 08:50:00 pm
Seximated- divided by six.
Etymology- cool!
Vomit- plentiful.
"TARNATION!" boomed ENORMOCROCKETT. "THAT IS A MIGHTY FINE DISPLAY OF VOMITING, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF!"
He looked down.
"HEY! THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE GUTS!"
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the annoying Otto Von Dino and his cronies all over DINOHitler! Lament how neither of those have complete stat blocks!
I think that wins the award for most vomitous turn yet.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 22, 2013, 12:10:05 am
Post by: Toaster on May 22, 2013, 12:11:33 am
Post by: Tiruin on May 22, 2013, 08:28:35 am
Decimated is actually killing one person in 10. IE, 90% survives....But that still equals 100% dead because the person was killed! Unless...90% of his body is alive via decapitation of the 10% :S
Post by: freeformschooler on May 22, 2013, 08:33:01 am
Post by: Toaster on May 22, 2013, 10:14:44 am
Post by: lawastooshort on May 23, 2013, 03:30:01 am
I'm looking particularly at Archimates and freeformgigamater here.
I've done a poster for the movie of the book of the game:
(http://img.ie/u1bzc.png)
This was a slightly too busy looking one:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 23, 2013, 10:00:48 am
Must've gotten wrongly connected or something. Reception is quite bad underground, I presume. Well, we have to make do with what we have.
Archimedes: Multiply attack powers.
Hulkimedes: Continue smashing plot important people. If possible, use solar mirror.
Post by: lawastooshort on May 24, 2013, 06:24:51 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN FOURTEEN!
Initiative face off: DINOHITLER VS SCHRODINGER’S CAT!
Roll d100!
DINOHITLER: 9!
SCHRODINGER’S CAT: 4!
Pitiful!
DINOHITLER'S BRAIN PART: The Evil Center (about 43% of dinobrain)
Action: Engage Total War, eat Schrodinger's Cat to both heal wounds and fulfill petty evil act quota for now.
DinoHITLER suddenly summons FOUR ravenous, mighty Elite Dinonazis! They order a coffee!
And then there was the furball, hurled at the Roman Legion.
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
Stats, hopelessness and vomit leave a bad taste in the Cat’s mouth.
…And then the Cat leaves a bad taste in DinoHITLER’s mouth!
Except he doesn’t, because DinoHITLER ate one of the cat holograms!
…But then the two remaining possible cats start choking on a miniblackhole and one of them disappears! Only the real Schrödinger’s Cat remains! It rolls about on the floor squealing and hacking!
Suddenly a badger runs past!
The holocat doesn’t heal DinoHITLER’s wounds, unfortunately.
"TARNATION!" booms ENORMOCROCKETT. "THAT IS A MIGHTY FINE DISPLAY OF VOMITING, IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF!"
He wonders what that severe tickling feeling is. He looks down.
"HEY! THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE GUTS!"
Initiative face off: ENORMOCROCKETT VS OTTO VAN DINO AND HIS CRONIES
Roll d100!
ENORMOCROCKETT: 66!
OTTO VAN DINO AND HIS HOMIES: 19!
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT the annoying Otto Von Dino and his cronies all over DINOHitler! Lament how neither of those have complete stat blocks!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
…Brushing them off like so much… nazi dust, ENORMOCROCKETT MIGHTY TEXAS DROPKICKS his gut-slasher like a Texan rugby ball right into DinoHITLER’s DinoFACE!
Wait actually I have to roll for that too let’s not get carried away.
WOUND ACQUIRED: Otto Von or Van Dino: Broken Head!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOCRONY 1: Severed Thighs!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOCRONY 2: Bleeding Face!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOCRONY 3: Fractured Face!
Suddenly Otto van Dino’s statblock appears from the other thread, boosting ENORMOCROCKETT’S MORALE!
Spoiler: Otto van Dino (click to show/hide)
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER: Severed Guts!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER: Bleeding Skull!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER: Severed Left Leg!
Engage secret technique: Like a 6-year old! Bite his face off! The Dino Squadron shall help Otto in these activities.
Otto van Dino – broken, severed, but not beaten, falls off his dinofuhrer and rushes back across the battlefield to take vengeance on the ENORMOCROCKETT.
After a half mile run up, they leap as one – at Davy Crockett’s HIDEOUS FACE!
Halfway through the leap, Otto van Dino realises Crockett has a broken face and a severed face and a protected face, and so maybe this target isn’t quite the optimal target for a dinonazi raid. They break formation and attack targets of opportunity!
…Otto doesn’t manage to change course in time, and bounces harmlessly off ENORMOCROCKETT’S enormoface! He falls to the floor, tumbling and turning and just making out one of his homies scratching viciously at the enormoface as he falls, and as he lands he spots another dinoHOMIE scratch out Crockett’s guts!
HIS FAVOURITE GUTS!
WOUND ACQUIRED: Davy Crockett: Bleeding Face!
WOUND ACQUIRED: Davy Crockett: Bleeding Guts!
Initiative face off: PAUL MCCARTNEY AND THE BEATLES VS THE SEXIMATED ROMAN LEGION VS THE PIMPERATOR!
Roll d100!
PAUL MCCARTNEY: 13!
SEXIMATED ROMAN LEGION: 58!
THE PIMPERATOR: 38!
Quote from: The Remains of the Romans!
Charge the Beatles!
(http://img.ie/52hhj.png)
The two hundred and twenty five Romans charge, two taking on each of the remaining Beatles.
…The massed ranks of short stabby swords are all but ineffective, and only Paul McCartney’s left arm is heavily sliced up!
Wound Acquired: Paul McCartney: Sliced Up Arm!
Quote from: The Holy Roman PIMPERATOR
SEXIMATE THE ENEMY! SAVE PAUL MCCARTNEY!
(http://tnypic.net/2292b.png)
The Pimperator Marcus Aurelius leaps in to save Paul McCartney!
…He seduces the front rank of Romans into helplessness!
Quote from: PAUL MC
Resist the enemy!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
Paul and the Beatles cut down the helpless Romans as their knees quiver before the Pimperator’s Gaze!
…George slays seventy two innocent nazi Romans with his guitar, but Ringo and Paul are still too high on drugs!
Oh well.
Archimedes: Multiply attack powers.
Hulkimedes: Continue smashing plot important people. If possible, use solar mirror.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Hulkimedes ums and ahs and tries to work out who is a plot important person.
…OH NOES!
He charges at his brother Archimedes, smashing him over the face with a solar mirror!
…ARCHIMEDES’ FACE IS SLICED OFF!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes: SEVERED FACE!
Despite bleeding all over the place from his face, Archimedes still has time for maths!
Archimedes ALWAYS has time for maths!
…Archimedes maths so hard that all his clothes fall off and the forces of good receive a +2 maths bonus next turn!
Suddenly an evil sounding voice shouts evilly.
"Minions! Romans! Servants of Evil! Lend me your rears!"
Holy crap it’s Heinrich Hamster again!
"By which I mean get your lazy asses between dinoHITLER and the enemy! Protect the dinoFUHRER!"
He directs every last Roman legionary to get between dinoHITLER and the forces of good! …They shift formation and form a solid of Roman in front of the dinoFUHRER!
Distract the enemy by being an adorable Nazi hamham!
Taking his place in front of the seximated Roman legion, Heinrich the Hamham takes a nearby peanut and chews it as cutely as he can.
…Every Roman Legionary is so distracted by his cuteness that they try to stroke the nazi mechahamster!
Quote from: Steve Irwin
Stop self from bleeding to death by using crocodile and then kamicroc at DinoHITLER if it won’t work.
(http://tnypic.net/a7ca4.png)
Alone amongst hundreds of people, both good and bad, Steve Irwin rides his crocodile as hard as he can at his blood in a last ditch effort to not die.
…It totally fails mate! Crikey!
Feeling his lifeforce draining away, Stevo, Professional Australian and Croc Hunter. Destroyer of Evil, knows there is only one thing for it.
A FIFTY MILE AN HOUR KAMICROC CHARGE AT DINOHITLER!
He revs the croco-engine!
He shoots forward!
…He only reaches about 30 miles per hour, but he still manages to fly through the air towards DinoHITLER’S nasty nazi dinoFACE!
Stevo penetrates DinoHITLER’S severed face.
He lodges deep within DinoHITLER’S exposed head!
Stevo utters one last desperate but joyful cry as he dies for freedom:
”STREWTH! FOR AUSTRALIA AND FREEDOM! CRIKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!”
STEVE IRWIN AND THE CROCODILE DETONATE!
…DINOHITLER’S BRAIN IS SEVERED!
WOUND ACQUIRED: DINOHITLER: SEVERED BRAIN!
At least it might improve his painting.
Spoiler: Detailed Poster (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
Spoiler: EFFECTS IN EFFECT: (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: RIP Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter RIP (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: DINOHITLER: CHIEF OF ALL EVIL (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on May 24, 2013, 08:55:35 am
One ENORMOSALUTE for a fallen hero.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 24, 2013, 10:54:40 am
o7
One ENORMOSALUTE for a fallen hero.
((On another note, velociraptors are about as large, and as dangerous as the average modern day chicken. Wonder how they taste.))
Edit: On another note, when did Heinrich Hamster get out of Enormocrocket?
Post by: Toaster on May 24, 2013, 10:57:22 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 24, 2013, 10:59:42 am
((Maybe that's why things like alligator taste like chicken.))((Nah, that's just because chicken tastes like muscle, and quite a few animals got those))
Edit: Anyway, the face 's got to wait, I got some more important things to do.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on May 25, 2013, 02:50:52 am
Come'on chap, help me with this.
Archimedes: Fire solar laser, Hulkimedes: Fire solar laser
Both lasers gather the ambivolent light of evil darkness in the cave, and beam up, towards the ceiling (just above DinoHitler, for reference), piercing the rocks, moving upwards through stone and debris, before beaming of into the distance.
A clear signal, that hopefully should convey a message of light and hope into the heart of the Belgian States of America, and their fearless leader Monsieur Kennedy, so that they can bring a message of fire and shrapnel into the heart of Dinohitler.
((If time left, reattach face and help Enormocrocket if needed))
Post by: Toaster on May 25, 2013, 02:40:08 pm
ENORMOFIRE the White Speedo at the entire Roman Legion! Heal myself with their essence!
Post by: freeformschooler on May 25, 2013, 02:49:18 pm
augh
I keep missing turns somehow. Gimme a sec.
Post by: freeformschooler on May 25, 2013, 03:07:16 pm
Paul McCartney is stunned. On one hand, he's thankful Aurelius, the Pimperator, jumped in battle to save him as the Beatles were stoned out of their minds.. On the other hand, if they don't defeat DinoHilter, Stevo's sacrifice would be in vain.
"So this is really it, huh? Beat the Di-nazis and I go back to Luxembourg? I think we need a song for this. Hold on while I I strap this around my left should - hard to play with a sliced up arm!"
Two small amps appear through the power of Marijuana Magic! They very slightly increase the amplitude of his song!
"This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed"
Paul scratches his chin for a sec.
"Hmm - this isn't really my kinda tune. I think, when I get back, Mr. Jovi might be able to do it more justice."
Paul pulls up his pants and tunes his keyboard leg for the +1 music bonus!
"I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud"
He points his guitar toward the ailed ENORMOCROCKETT - their last hope against DINOHITLER!
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive"
Paul McCartney wills Crockett to get better - ALL THE TIME!
Post by: Toaster on May 25, 2013, 06:51:16 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on May 25, 2013, 08:22:26 pm
Gatleos on lawas' current avatar:
Quote
ChillBroBaggins69: Oh
ChillBroBaggins69: Oh my god
ChillBroBaggins69: He's reached legendary in photoshop skill
Post by: Tiruin on June 03, 2013, 09:29:00 am
Three down, one to go. Three tries left, one in the present. Goodness what have I drawn myself into. It ate me. Ate my whole entirety. And I believe I configured this experiment as a thought experiment..now I'm just a dense ball of fur an-
..Dense ball of fur.
Third time's the charm though.
Apply kinetic force through work on the body towards Dinohitler. Meaning: Ram him headfirst.
Post by: lawastooshort on June 05, 2013, 06:52:06 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN FIFTEEN – ENORMOFECK!
Archimedes: Fire solar laser, Hulkimedes: Fire solar laser
Both lasers gather the ambivalent light of evil darkness in the cave, and beam up, towards the ceiling (just above DinoHitler, for reference), piercing the rocks, moving upwards through stone and debris, before beaming of into the distance.
A clear signal, that hopefully should convey a message of light and hope into the heart of the Belgian States of America, and their fearless leader Monsieur Kennedy, so that they can bring a message of fire and shrapnel into the heart of Dinohitler.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
…HULKIMEDES SAY: NO!
…Meanwhile, Archimedes The Benevolent Terroriser of Evil thrusts forward, aims his naked thigh towards the evil light of darkness emanating from DinoHITLER’s evil dark glow and blasts it up, piercing the rocks, moving skywards through stone and debris before beaming off into the distance and through several different universes and forming a distress signal in the sky above the Maison Blanche!
”’Ello!” says Jacques Kennedy, putting down his pipe. ”Zere is a problem ‘ere! I must attend to it!”
…Whilst waiting for his SOS to be answered, Archimedes puts his face back on. It feels much better.
Suddenly a falling spacepod blasts through time and space and the crumbling roof of the dinoLAIR!
(http://img.ie/215sj.png)
(http://img.ie/215sj.png)
(http://img.ie/kbk85.png)
(http://img.ie/215sj.png)
(http://img.ie/kbk85.png)
MONSIEUR JACQUES KENNEDY BUSTS OUT OF THE FRITESMATIC SPACEPOD: THE SPACECRAFT OF NON-GOVERNMENTAL PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM!
(http://tnypic.net/67c2a.png)
”Bonjour!” he says, looking to the left. ”Goedendag!” he adds, looking to the right. ”Hallo! I am here to destroy ze evil heart of DinoHITLER like in ze good old days!”
The President of the Belgian States of America shoots a forty foot wide fireball out of the palm of his left hand!
DinoHITLER blocks it with his forearm!
The President of the Belgian States of America shoots a stream of shrapnel out of the palm of his right hand!
…The deadly sharps pierce the crap out DinoHITLER’s already fractured guts! Blood spurts forth like a wave of evil! …Dodging out of the way of the wave of pestilential gut-corruption, Jacques Kennedy flies headfirst into his FRITESMATIC spacepod’s dispenser button!
The resultant fritesnami stuns him on the head!
At least his leg won’t turn fascist!
Wound Acquired: Jacques Kennedy: STUNNED!
Wound Acquired: DINOHITLER: PIERCED GUTS!
ENORMOFIRE the White Speedo at the entire Roman Legion! Heal myself with their essence!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"TARNATION! I APPEAR TO BE ENORMOBLEEDING!" ENORMBOOMS ENORMOCROCKETT, "LUMITHOS, I ENORMOBESEECH YOU!"
ENORMOCROCKETT ENORMOTHRUSTS his White ENORMOSPEEDO forth – aiming it directly at the entire Roman Legion of between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires as he reaches the ENORMOCLIMAX of his ENORMOPRAYER!
…ENORMOHGOD!
ENORMOCROCKETT flays the Roman Legion alive with his ENORMOESSENCE! The horrifying speedolight of Lumithos flies forward and downward and allward: the energy of Crockett’s ENORMOCROTCH meeting the descending holy light shining through the dinoLAIR’s broken ceiling and trigonometrifying a perfect triangle of Holy Speedo – the individual threads of an ENORMOSPEEDO several miles across deweaving themselves, spuming forth through the faces of the Roman Legion before hovering upwards into the sky.
And there the Roman Legion, individually pierced through with threads of ENORMOSPEEDO, are joined into one as the White Speedo doth reconstruct, and form an entire and new WHITE ENORMOSPEEDO in the upper atmosphere, blanking out the light over a radius of a thousand miles!
Stretching with great comfort and eye-averting awkwardness, the between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires find themselves fused with their neighbours’ speedos; find themselves unable to not touch their neighbours’ shining bulges; find themselves mortified with horror as they realise they are become but tiny tiny tiny molecules in the largest speedo ever known to man!
And that largest speedo one that hath been worn for many sweaty days without interruption.
The WHITE ENORMOSPEEDO doth descend; and, as if of its own free will, it doth clothe ENORMOCROCKETT; stretching around and across and over his ENORMOGROIN and sealing the gaping gut wound in ENORMOCROCKETT’s favourite guts – and yea; sealing the dinonazi Otto van Dino therein, whereupon he and his squad of velociraptors gnaw upon the hallowed guts to their hearts’ content. And the blood did flow most generously; and Davy Crockett was sad, for Lumithos had not entirely answered his beseechment in the way that he might have wished.
And then Crockett reflected, and rejoiced, for the between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires that were his enemies were become but tiny tiny tiny molecules in his own sweaty yet magical Holy White Enormospeedo of Lumithos, and surely his god would be grateful for this most apt sacrifice.
And then Crockett saw upon the ground that some of his guts had not been sealed within the sweaty yet magical Holy White Enormospeedo of Lumithos, and were bleeding upon the dirt, alone and vulnerable and dripping his essence slowly into the earth, and once more Davy Crockett was sad.
He doth faceth death; yet within himself he realised that he faceth death whilst wearing the Holy White Enormospeedo of his God; and once more Davy Crockett rejoiced.
Continue eating Davy.
And Otto van Dino was both sad and full of rejoicing, for he was trapped within a well-used and sweaty speedo – forsooth, a Holy Sweaty Speedo, and it was most distressing.
And then he and his minions did see a sliver of ENORMOGUT, and did munch upon it most brutally, …severing it fully from the socket, whereupon it fell into the crotchpit; and was lost forever.
And Crockett the Enormous, King of the Wild Frontier, did depart this life of the living, and enter into a state of negative hitpoints.
Wound Acquired: ENORMOCROCKETT: Internally Severed Guts!
Paul McCartney wills Crockett to get better - ALL THE TIME!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png): "NNOOOOOOO! STEEEEEVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
Paul McCartney is stunned. On one hand, he's thankful Aurelius, the Pimperator, jumped in battle to save him as the Beatles were stoned out of their minds. On the other hand, if they don't defeat DinoHITLER, Stevo's and now Davy’s sacrifices would be in vain.
"So this is really it, huh? Beat the Di-nazis and I go back to Luxembourg? I think we need a song for this. Hold on while I strap this around my left should - hard to play with a sliced up arm!"
…Suddenly Paul concentrates so hard that he feels totally unstoned, man! His suddenly dissipated Marijuana Magic fails to materialise any amplifying equipment at all!
"This ain't a song for the broken-hearted,
No silent prayer for the faith-departed"
Paul scratches his chin for a sec.
"Hmm - this isn't really my kinda tune. I think, when I get back, Mr Jovi might be able to do it more justice."
Paul instead rolls up his trousers to reveal his keyboard leg!
"I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd,
You're gonna hear my voice,
When I shout it out loud!"
Standing on the throbbing keyboard leg, he points his guitar toward the fallen ENORMOCROCKETT - their last hope against DINOHITLER!
"It's my life,
It's now or never,
I ain't gonna live forever,
I just want to live while I'm alive!"
…ENORMOCROCKETT ENORMOLIVES!
ENORMOCROCKETT’S ENORMOGUTSEGMENT LIVES!
AND BOY ARE THEY ENORMOANGRY!
Now I'm just a dense ball of fur an-
..Dense ball of fur.
..Dense ball of fur.
..Dense ball
Dense
DENSE
Ram him headfirst.
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
…Charging at DinoHITLER headfirst, the superdense Schrödinger’s Cat completely misses the towering nazi dictator, and smashes into the nearest wall!
The dinoLAIR begins to crumble under the impact, dropping one rock a turn on a randomly chosen person!
Unsurprisingly (yet randomly and kind of ironically) the first person to have a large rock fall on their head is Schrödinger’s Cat!
…He dodges with such force into a nearby wall that the dinoLAIR begins to crumble even harder, dropping another rock per turn on a randomly chosen person!
Amusingly enough the second person to have a large rock fall on their head is Schrödinger’s Cat!
…It entirely fails to avoid the falling debris, and is crushed to smithereens!
Death Acquired Again: Schrödinger’s Cat!
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Just then n evil operations engager materialises out of pure evil …and mostly fails to do anything at all!
Suddenly a passing schoolchild appears, and n evil operations engager steals his sweetie!
Spoiler: Adjutrate (click to show/hide)
Action: Determine what has gone wrong now and how I can fix it.
Just after then, Ad the Ankylosaur strolls up to this floor of the dinoLAIR – attempting to determine what’s gone wrong now and how he could possibly fix it!
…But he thinks too hard, and starts becoming a communist! He’s convinced that Marx is right and that blonde is bad! He starts thinking that perhaps the solution to all problems is a world peace achieved through love, harmony, and the wanton smoking of hallucinogenic drugs in sun- and flower-covered fields! He strips naked and begins to dance!
Scream at wounds in angry-sounding Dinogerman until they stop bleeding and become scabs. Activate Total War.
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 (already summoned ones) - provide medical aid to the Dinofuhrer.
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 (newly summoned ones) - protect Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 and the Dinofuhrer.
Meanwhile, forgotten by nearly everyone, DinoHITLER is bleeding. This makes him totally mad bro!
…He screams at his feeble wounds in DinoGERMAN, which just gets his feeble wounds totally mad too!
…He commands his loyal Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 to med the crap out of him, but they just start eating the tasty looking DinoFUEHRER!
…He decides to summon some more to protect him and his loyal lunchmates: another five Ravenous Elite Dinonazis rush in!
Wound Acquired: DINOHITLER: CHEWED FOOT
Heal dinoHITLER's brainmeats via evil transfusion!
”No! Mein dinoFUHRER! I'll save you!”
Forgotten by nearly everyone? Yes! Nearly everyone except the loyal Heinrich Mechahamster that is!
…By spurting some of his evil into dinoHITLER’s brainmeats, he heals them entirely! It works but no one knows how!
Thank goodness we didn’t see it!
Spoiler: Detailed Poster (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
Spoiler: EFFECTS IN EFFECT: (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: DINOHITLER: CHIEF OF ALL EVIL (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on June 05, 2013, 08:56:55 am
Stretching with great comfort and eye-averting awkwardness, the between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires find themselves fused with their neighbours’ speedos; find themselves unable to not touch their neighbours’ shining bulges; find themselves mortified with horror as they realise they are become but tiny tiny tiny molecules in the largest speedo ever known to man!
And that largest speedo one that hath been worn for many sweaty days without interruption.
Triple incredible.
Post by: freeformschooler on June 05, 2013, 09:05:40 am
Stretching with great comfort and eye-averting awkwardness, the between 172 and 5174 Roman Legionaries or Legionnaires find themselves fused with their neighbours’ speedos; find themselves unable to not touch their neighbours’ shining bulges; find themselves mortified with horror as they realise they are become but tiny tiny tiny molecules in the largest speedo ever known to man!
And that largest speedo one that hath been worn for many sweaty days without interruption.
Triple incredible.
I am speechless.
Post by: monk12 on June 05, 2013, 02:35:42 pm
Quote
ENORMOCLIMAX
oh lawd
Quote
Roman Legion: worse than dead
True story, bro
Post by: Tiruin on June 07, 2013, 01:57:13 am
Seems granite and concrete are denser than I. Strange.
I'd supposedly warn everyone of the rocks, but they'd notice that tidbit.
I wonder...
Climb to a higher area on which I could jump onto one of..the larger creatures in the area.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on June 07, 2013, 10:35:35 am
ENORNOMULTIKILL HE rounds at anything dinoshaped
"GO FORTH, MY ENORMOGUTS!"
ENORMOGUTS: Strangle the hamster! Crush him as unto a snake!
Post by: freeformschooler on June 07, 2013, 11:32:15 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 07, 2013, 12:28:07 pm
Archimedes: Use your elemental mathematics to further the dungeon's collapse. Preferably on the heads of Dinohilter and Co.
Hulkimedes: Smash anyone who comes near any of the good guys. Unless it's a good guy.
Post by: freeformschooler on June 07, 2013, 06:21:02 pm
(http://s23.postimg.org/mnp1lmmez/Fighting_Dino_Hitler.png)
Three hours well spent.
Three hours well spent.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
"Let's finish this, boys!"
PAUL MCCARTNEY LETS OFF A BEAM OF GENTLE LOVING AND CARTOON HEARTS TOWARD DINOHITLER!
Post by: monk12 on June 07, 2013, 10:39:51 pm
Post by: freeformschooler on June 07, 2013, 11:19:59 pm
1280x800 (http://s24.postimg.org/qxkjo8hub/Fighting_Dino_Hitler_Desktop3_copy.png)
let me know if any other sizes are necessary
Post by: lawastooshort on June 08, 2013, 01:16:54 am
Post by: Toaster on June 09, 2013, 09:52:06 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on June 11, 2013, 09:26:02 am
THE ASSAULT ON THE DINONEST: TURN SIXTEEN
"Let's finish this, boys!"
PAUL MCCARTNEY LETS OFF A BEAM OF GENTLE LOVING AND CARTOON HEARTS TOWARD DINOHITLER!
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
Without further ado and without stopping bleeding from the arm, Paul McCartney aims his beloved acoustic guitar at the towering dinofiend DinoHITLER.
"Nobody likes you, DinoHITLER!" he cries out.
"You’re gonna die alone and miserable!" he adds.
"You stink of rotting cheese!" he finishes, power strumming a gentle d minor chord!
…DinoHITLER sinks to his knees and cries great big nazi tears of woe! He might be a mass murdering dimension travelling nazi dinosaur dictator and the embodiment of the very worst evil EVER but it seems he’s got a sensitive heart of gold! Who knew!
Let us not be deceived though: he’s a gobshite and deserves to die!
Continue Total War! Activate Loved By Tables!
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 - stop chewing on the Dinofuhrer! Provide medical aid for him!
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 - fetch the stunned Monsieur Jacques Kennedy and stick him into the Dinofuhrer's bleeding wounds or perhaps a puddle of evil presumably lying around the Dinofuhrer! Cover him in Dinonazigoodevilness, hopefully crafting a worthy successor in the name of EVIL!
Presumably Ravenous and Elite Dinonazi Group 3 - protect the Dinofuhrer!
He just doesn’t want to die though! …First he summons 30 Ravenous Elite Dinonazis! Crikey!
…Then out of thin air he summons a bunch of nazi tables to fly about the air around him: they’re made of solid nazi titanium!
He’s still sobbing great big nazi tears of woe though, and his Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 take pity and stop chewing their dinoFUHRER.
They instead chew his
…Then the Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 fetch Jacques Kennedy and try to wipe him about in the puddles of evil blood lying all over the place, but* it doesn’t work very well.
Spoiler: *alternative silly ending (click to show/hide)
ENORNOMULTIKILL HE rounds at anything dinoshaped
ENORMOGUTS: Strangle the hamster! Crush him as unto a snake!
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
"ENORMOTARNATION! I FEEL ENORNOREBORN! TASTE ENORMODEATH" enormobooms ENORMOCROCKETT! Via his neuro-uplink mind-control module Crockett sets his shoulder-mounted ex-nazi dinotank cannon to HE and prepares to unleash ENORMODOOM on his foes!
…Many dice are rolled! Many explosions explode! Smoke and shrapnel burst all about!
One shells powers towards DinoHITLER and there’s an audible intake of breath as the GM waits to see if the titanium tables will protect His Most Evilness or not… …THEY DON’T!
When the smoke clears it becomes apparent that …DinoHITLER’s arms have been severed by the blast!
Wound Acquired: DinoHITLER: Severed Arms!
The other two shells Crockett directs towards his own crotch, and blasts right into Otto van Dino and his minions hiding in the ENORMOSPEEDO of Lumithos!
…Crikey! Otto van Dino’s guts are blasted off! His lead minion’s face is shrapnelled to pieces! Minion number one bleeds to death!
Crockett also suffers completely unavoidable crotch injuries too because that’s what happens when you shoot your ENORMOCROTCH with your ENORMOCANNON!
Wound Acquired: Otto van Dino: Severed Guts!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Crotch Chafing!
But Crockett ignores the crotch-pain and boomingly commands his undead ENORMOGUTS:
"GO FORTH, MY ENORMOGUTS!"
They scamper across the battlefield, leaping through the air towards Heinrich MECHAHAMSTER and …fracture the loveable rodent’s throat!
Heinrich starts choking to death!
Half his HP choke away! And Davy Crockett did look upon his guts; and, surveying their carnage, he was well pleased.
"MY ENORMOGUTS!" he called out, "I AM WELL PLEASED!"
Wound Acquired: Heinrich Hamster: Fractured Throat!
Stop acting like a combination of Communist and hippy.
Meanwhile, Adjutrate the Ankylosaur has a sudden flash of clarity. Arg! He’s acting like a goddamned Commuhippy!
…He manages to get dressed and restrain himself from dancing. He even manages to will the effects of the hallucinogenic drugs away. He sounds fun.
LAZOR the everything out of random enemy.Spoiler: We need more mechas (click to show/hide)
Just then an enormous nazi mecha appears out of the fog of battle, striding like a gigantic… colossal… enormous nazi mecha! The air around its LAZORS begins to hit up; they begin to whir: they …sever one of Davy Crockett’s arms right out of his face!
Crockett is beside himself with grief!
Seems granite and concrete are denser than I. Strange.
Climb to a higher area on which I could jump onto one of... the larger creatures in the area.
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
…Suddenly there’s an awful hideous rumbling noise of terrible doom! Schrödinger’s Superdense Cat slips whilst he’s climbing up one of the nearby larger creatures, and plummets to the ground! He’s so dense he crashes right through the ground, right through the earth’s crust, and smashes right into the earth’s molten core! He briefly has time to destabilise the entire planet’s orbit with his stupefying mass and send it spinning out of control towards the nearest sun before burning up just like the planet and all of its innocent inhabitants will now shortly do regardless of anything Archimedes might want to point out about physics and whatnot!
Oh well.
Death Acquired Again! Schrödinger’s Cat: Death!
Eat Enormocrocket's heart, with the aid of my minions.
Deep within the bowels of… Davy Crockett’s bowels, Otto van Dino lurks before finding the right moment in which to strike with his team of crack velociraptor saboteurs, despite all the bleeding. Suddenly he leaps forth with his loyal remaining minions, and …nibbles Crockett’s heart very very gently.
Davy Crockett feels a slight tickle!
Archimedes: Use your elemental mathematics to further the dungeon's collapse. Preferably on the heads of Dinohilter and Co.
Hulkimedes: Smash anyone who comes near any of the good guys. Unless it's a good guy.
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
Archimedes is tired. This has been going on for ages. He has seen many terrible things. He has many dried traces of ENORMOVOMIT about his person. And, once again, and for quite some time now, he is naked before many people, both friend and foe. Who knows which of these is the main contributing factor in a) his thinking that collapsing the dungeon is a good idea; b) his belief that selectively collapsing a dungeon on only certain people’s heads is possible; or c) …his complete failure to do so.
His surrogate frustration-expresser, the Monster of Maths, HULKIMEDES, faithfully expresses Archimedes’ frustration by leaping off a nearby boulder into the ENORMOSPEEDO of Lumithos that adorns Davy Crockett’s groin and …tearing the head off the nearest dinominion.
Archimedes feels a little better and has a sit down.
HAMSTER BALL OF DOOM
"Is this how it ends, mein DINOhitler?" wails, through his fractured throat, Heinrich Hamster. ”Arg!”
In his devotion to his master he shoots a burst of hamsterballs out of his loveable hamsterpouch, spraying the deadly payload all over the battlefield!
…Holy crap! Headblood goes everywhere! Very heavy headblood shoots out of the apparently inactive Dino Skorzeny! Very heavy headblood and faceblood both shoot out of the head and face of Adjutrate the Ankylosaur! And all sorts of blood appears as the innocent and handsome 10ebbor10’s head is straight up and down broken!
Wound Acquired: Dino Skorzeny: Very Heavy Headblood!
Wound Acquired: Adjutrate: Very Heavy Headblood!
Wound Acquired: Adjutrate: Very Heavy Faceblood!
Wound Acquired: Archimedes of Syracuse: Broken Head!
Spoiler: Detailed Poster (click to show/hide)
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
Spoiler: EFFECTS IN EFFECT: (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Paul McCartney, The Last Beatle (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Davy Crockett, Terror Knight of the Wild Frontier (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: Erwin Schrödinger’s Cat, Quantum Cat (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Guest Star: HEINRICH HAMSTER THE GIANT NAZI HAMSTER MECHA (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: DINOHITLER: CHIEF OF ALL EVIL (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on June 11, 2013, 10:08:59 am
Also, I think you forgot to update my status with regard to LAZORing appendages.
Post by: Tiruin on June 11, 2013, 10:11:09 am
..or did I get that wrong? That was still awesome.))
Post by: monk12 on June 11, 2013, 10:13:13 am
Crikey. Strewth, even.
Also, I think you forgot to update my status with regard to LAZORing appendages.
Facial appendages, no less! The worst sort to lose!
And yes, maybe somebody should do something about the whole "planet plunging into Sun" thing. Seems like it might screw up the timeline, eh wot?
Post by: Toaster on June 11, 2013, 10:14:59 am
Hopefully we have someone skilled with math and physics on the team, for whom this problem is right up his or her alley.
Post by: Tiruin on June 11, 2013, 10:26:16 am
Unless I'm missing something?))
Post by: lawastooshort on June 11, 2013, 10:27:56 am
Also, I think you forgot to update my status with regard to LAZORing appendages.
I'm fairly sure I removed one of the "arms" from Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface oh wait no I just removed it from the abbr tag. Doh. Editing. I don't think swapping one arm for a gaping LAZORHOLE will affect the vomit inducing-ness of the face though.
Post by: Toaster on June 11, 2013, 10:40:56 am
"MY ENORMOARM! MY ENORMOHEART! YOU NAZI BASTARDS ARE GOING TO PAY! GUTS, LET'S GO! ENORMOBOONE, TIME TO FEED!"
Grab the end of the ENORMOGUTS while they still have the Hamster tied up, and turn it into a fleshy ball-and-chain. Beat the crap out of any available baddies.
ENORMOBOONE: Eat any different available baddies.
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 11, 2013, 03:14:20 pm
Archimedes: Patch self up and stuff
Hulkimedes: Activate all abilities
*Which apparently, contain 1 zillion bullets
((Apparently I failed so hard at collapsing the dungeon that it strengthened itself out of spite.))
Post by: Tiruin on June 11, 2013, 09:47:13 pm
And I had to be a cat. What to do what to do what to do-
Activate Master of Uncertainty.
And furball at Dinohitler!
Post by: freeformschooler on June 12, 2013, 10:16:23 am
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png): "IT'S OVER NOW, DINOHITLER! INFINITE MULTIDIMENSIONAL FROG CHORUS: I CHOOSE YOU!"
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
Post by: Toaster on June 12, 2013, 10:17:53 am
Post by: freeformschooler on June 12, 2013, 10:19:34 am
Post by: Tiruin on June 12, 2013, 10:41:51 am
Post by: lawastooshort on June 24, 2013, 07:36:01 am
THE MAGNIFICENT TIMELORD
THE DARK DANK EXPOSED GUTS OF THE DINOLAIR, A TUESDAY. THE FORCES OF EVIL SURROUND THE FORCES OF SEQUINOUS GOOD.
IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO TELL WHO IS WINNING.
THE DARK.
THE BLOOD.
THE MURDER.
SCREAMS.
LIKE HEAD UPON ALE FLOATS VOMIT UPON ALL.
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 1 - Deploy the Fuhrer's spare moustache to make him good as new! Its mystical evil is the only thing that can save him!
Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 2 - Eat Jacques Kennedy!
Massive Ravenous Elite Dinonazi Group 3 - devour Ringo Starr and George Harrison!
”Mein DinoFUHRER!” cries a choir of ravenous elite dinonazis from beneath their towering evil leader. ”You are doing severe bleeding to death!”
One brave but anonymous dinonazi leaps from the crowd amongst the whizzing stray bullets and the falling rocks.
”Mein DinoFUHRER!” he cries, ”Let me apply ze EMERGENCY SPARE MOUSTACHE! Its mystical evil is the only thing that can save you!”
Thus spake DinoHITLER:
”Ja!”
The choir of ravenous elite dinonazis (Division 1) form a
He climbs with ferocious speed! Terrible devotion! Boundless excitement!
He handles the nazi moustache with loving care and trembling fingers. He reaches the summit of the living dinonazi tower.
He is face to face with his adored and hideously evil DinoFUHRER.
He shakes with anticipation.
No one has ever unleashed such evil: the honour upon him, for all of history, will be great! Ungreaterable!
The anonymous ravenous elite dinonazi throws aside the briefcase and kneels. He rises again, and raises the nazi moustache in both hands above him in evil heinous mockery of sacred ritual.
…He thrusts the emergency spare moustache forward with the power of a thousand souls!
He cannot control the force contained therein!
His arms! They are possessed! By the very spirit of evil itself!
The emergency spare moustache penetrates in a hideous homage right through DinoHITLER’s shattered facemeats!
The skull is pierced!
The brain is severed!
Tumbling; groaning; a hideous wail and a haunting moan echo from wall to cavern wall as DinoHITLER collapses to the ground, crushing, powdering, destroying his loyal ravenous elite dinonazis (Division 1) as the evil soul of the moustache destroys him; renders him back unto life; electrifies his severed brainflesh with the very current of all evil, twitching his evil limbs with evil life through the circuitry of doom that is the flaccid rotting corpse of that most virulent plot twist:
ZOMBIEDINOHITLER!
…In terrified fear the second loyal group of dinonazis leap, salivating and hungry-eyed, upon the innocent Jacques Kennedy. He fights them off, batting them away, reducing their number, yet straining most painfully his one good ankle as he does!
…In hideous vengeance the third loyal group of dinonazis descend, angry and vile-faced, upon the luckless George Harrison. They tear him limb from cherished limb!
…In blind destruction the unsated dinonazis continue, frothing and blood-stained, on to the hapless Ringo Starr. They sever his head and steal away his drumsticks!
The end of the Beatles is nigh!
Activate Master of Uncertainty.
And furball at Dinohitler!
(http://tnypic.net/q3k81.png)
ONE CAT.
THE CAT THAT HAS DIED.
THE CAT THAT
…As zombiedinohitler rises from the dead, a small cat nearby arches its back. Its hair on end. Choking tremendously on a furball, an astrophysical furball, a black hole leading to its very heart. It suddenly materialises in the air above it a hologram. A hologram of a light that shines upon it. That marks it clear as day as the small cat, alone in the maelstrom, keels over to the floor, choking tremendously.
…It coughs with a feeble gasp.
MEDIC!
…Nearby an ankylosaur cries out. He cries out for his mother. He is hurt. He has grazed his knee. He has very heavy faceblood. Rival dinonazi balls.
A kindly dinosaur passes.
He says, there there, it is ok. It is just faceblood.
The ankylosaur protests: very heavy faceblood. Cold. He is well read, and it reminds him of a book on war.
The kindly dinosaur says, no, you hold on son, you're going to make this, I am not going to let you die on me, and pushes him off him to die on the floor instead.
But he doesn't die on the floor instead so the kindly dinosaur applies pressure to the bleeding, applies a bandage, and another, and gives Adjutrate the Ankylosaur a shot of morphine in the ass.
You're good to go, says the kindly dinosaur.
Archimedes: Patch self up and stuff
Hulkimedes: Activate all abilities
(http://tnypic.net/9c6a9.png)
”Aïe!” suggests Archimedes to anyone listening. ”That hurt!”
Rummaging through his robes, carried carefully over his arm for endless turn after turn as he flaunts his majestic Grecian nudity, Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Five Legendary Philosopher, Twin of Hulkimedes, Mathematical Inflictor of Collateral Damage, finally finds his medkit – a cost-effective authentic Chinese imitation medkit that he has carried across several worlds – and a camping bed.
…He unfolds the camping bed, sits down on the edge, considers self-trepanation, instead extensively bandages his head doubling its size, swings his legs round, and has a nice lie down.
The battle rages all about him.
Hulkimedes rages all about him.
HULKIMEDES RAGE ALL ABOUT ARCHIMEDES.
…HULKIMEDES MULTIPLY THIS.
…HULKIMEDES LITERALLY MATHEMATICKIFY THAT.
…HULKIMEDES ENGULF THE DINOLAIR IN BURNING FLAME.
HULKIMEDES LAUGH AT SCREAMS OF BURNING MINIONS.
”HAHAHA!”
Heinrich closes his eyes before blindly gnawing on Enormocrockett's Triplearmlegupsidedownfaceface!
Heinrich Hamster scurries into the attack, eyes shut and olfactory senses temporarily disabled – for the hideous face of Davy Crockett can be smelt by the sensitive of nose even through a swaddle of bandages.
"From hell's heart, I stab at thee!" he insists rather dramatically as he launches into a hard blind gnaw.
…Heinrich makes the facepain spread throughout the disfigured horror of Crockett’s misshapen visage! He makes light trickles of blood stain through the surfaces of the Holy and Blessed Covering! He chokes a little on a half-swallowed pus- and blood-wettened bandage fibre!
The pus-thought alone makes him violently retch!
It dribbles gratuitously down his chin.
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Facepain!
Summon another squad, and give his heart one last good chew.
Back inside Davy Crockett’s Speedo, the severely injured Otto van Dino and his chums – …his newly summoned chums, infiltrate their way towards the American’s ribcage, working their way stealthily past the guts, past the liver, through the smoky depths until they reach the beating heart of Freedom. …Their manic and frenzied chewing fractures Davy Crockett’s heart!
People stumble and fall and grasp their chests in unknown despair across the Texases of every universe!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Fractured Heart!
French Resistance: Do something competent.
(http://img.ie/images/vglfj.jpg)
Suddenly, amidst the whirling pool of bullets, noise, and death, appears the French Resistance! …They do nothing competent!
Activate Panzerkampfwagen Plating, Continue LAZORing davy crockett!
The Crockett-persecuting giant nazi mecha stomps ever more slowly forward as great sheets of steel sprout out of its sides and legs and arms: …evil Panzerkampfwagen steel sheets! Carefully correcting its aim, the evil mecha – the evillest of mechas – continues its LAZORING at ENORMOCROCKETT’s face.
…THE ENORMOBOMINATION IS SEVERED!
Davy Crockett’s treasured face falls to the floor, the carefully applied bandages unwrapping in graceful slow motion as they drop!
Crockett’s exposed brainblood radiates burning hate and vengeance and sorrow!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett: Severely severed face!
Paul McCartney was stunned. No: flabbergasted. Yes, Paul McCartney was flabbergasted at the size of DinoHITLER's ever-increasing horde of multidimensional, multitemporal loyalists. Even though the Tyrannofuhrer himself was on his last legs, creatures like Ad the Ankylosaur and Otto van Dino continued pouring in with no end. He did not know from which foul hell they came nor through which black portal they entered, but he did know one thing: DinoHITLER was not the only one who could summon loyalist minions by the thousand.
(http://i.imgur.com/wVV6y.png)
"IT'S OVER NOW, DINOHITLER! INFINITE MULTIDIMENSIONAL FROG CHORUS: I CHOOSE YOU!"
(http://i.imgur.com/YYXsP.gif)
Bereft, bandmateless, surrounded by ever-growing numbers of evil enemies, Paul McCartney has but one last card to play. The ultimate musical card, perhaps.
The Card of Frogs!
…He strums a chord and opens his golden shining mouth: the burning lair of dinoHITLER darkens with a sudden flash of overwhelming green.
FROG UPON FROG!
Frog upon flooding frog, froggily flooding the whole everything: the frog of every dimension through which McCartney has ever travelled heeding his belting call, answering the cry to arms and materialising through gaps between universes; frogging their way abruptly through realities in a blaze of frog; an explosion of frog!
Frog!
From every direction there is naught but frog! From on top; from below – the frogs multiply and the frogs grow, extinguishing the fire in the dinolair, sucking out the oxygen until all within pass out and there is only left, above the mound of frog, the mould of frog, two towering foes facing each other; one: faceless evil; one: faceless good.
Once again enormozombieamerica has returned to strike out the evil of enormodinonazidom; yet still the frogs grow.
The quantity of frog expands, their mass builds, the frog-pyramid bursts through the roof of the dinolair, smashing through the rock and continuing to build upwards, to such height and with such frog-density that the earth, not long ago hurtling towards its burny doom, is stabilised, straightened, saved by frog.
Frog upon frog and ENORMOZOMBIECROCKETT VS ZOMBIEDINOHITLER upon an unending pile of singing frog up until where the air becomes thin.
The noise is tremendous.
Grab the end of the ENORMOGUTS while they still have the Hamster tied up, and turn it into a fleshy ball-and-chain. Beat the crap out of any available baddies.
ENORMOBOONE: Eat any different available baddies.
(http://tnypic.net/12781.png)
And upon the singing towering pyramid of freedom loving frogs, Crockett’s enormoanger is also tremendous. Nobody messes with his precious face appendages and lives to tell the tale.
"MY ENORMOARM! MY ENORMOHEART! YOU NAZI BASTARDS ARE GOING TO PAY! GUTS, LET'S GO! ENORMOBOONE, TIME TO FEED!"
Scrabbling down through the still-increasing tower of amphibian, the mighty ENORMOBOONE pokes with his nasal feelers, searching out the foul mecha that defaced his beloved Crockett. His jaws snap open. His enormojaws snap shut. …Despite his evil armour plating, PzMMMMMMMMMI Giganotosaurus is devoured entirely! In the turmoil of ENORMOBOONE’s guts-juice, he begins to dissolve.
But the frogs materialise yet; and the towering frogamid grows, dragging Crockett and DinoHITLER to its summit, above the clouds, into a rarefied atmosphere of thin air and thick frog, a three dimensional triangle of frog eight miles high and as many wide at its base and still singing a great cacophonous chant of freedom and frogdom in harmony to Paul McCartney’s continuing song, buried somewhere deep below, somewhere amidst the bowels of the frogamid, where the air grows even scarcer than the summit, and where the crushing grows stronger and harsher with each frog that leaps through the multiverses to join its comrades.
For yea; DinoHITLER is removed from his protective lair, and removed from his never-ending accomplices in evil, and thrust upon the towering enormoeverest of singing green, where in honourable single combat he, zombiefied and facemeatless, meets the enormoundead Davy Crockett, also sadly shorn of faceflesh.
There is no more vomit.
There is no more gratuitous explosion.
There will be no more nudity.
Only the faceless face of freedom: Davy Crockett. The faceless face of evil: DinoHITLER.
Both dead.
Both born again, whether by the power of evil moustache or the power of music.
Below them all is crushed by frog, the new and innumerable rulers of earth.
Crockett and DinoHITLER alone above them.
Alone?
No!
ENORMOCROCKETT swings, like a fleshy ball and chain, his sentient ENORMOGUTS – round his head they swing, in a terrifying arc, the guts his chain and Heinrich Hamster his helpless choking swinging ball.
DinoHITLER reaches for the only weapon he has left: his mediocre paintbrushes.
He has no arms.
He flails hopelessly with his fleshly shoulder stumps as, still rising on the mound of frog, ENORMOCROCKETT strides towards him.
He swings his fleshy ball.
…The fleshy nazi orbit spells doom. The guts sing as they swing, something about being king, ENORMO, ENORMOCROCKETT, king, they sing, they swing, swish, cut through the air, Heinrich Hamster howling as he flies past and past again and finally howling in despair as he flies into DinoHITLER’s exposed headfront, and through the multiple skulltendons, traversing the severed brainflesh, shattering the head, the evil nasty nazi head, the headmeat of ultimate evil, and felling DinoHITLER as Davy Crockett sadly disfigured by long hard battle is raised never-endingly to heaven on a growing pyramid of croaking harmonious frog, beneath which is only silence.
Post by: Toaster on June 24, 2013, 07:52:14 am
Post by: 10ebbor10 on June 24, 2013, 07:53:11 am
I am in awe.
Also, Total Party Kill? Or not...
Post by: Harry Baldman on June 24, 2013, 07:54:33 am
Post by: Toaster on June 24, 2013, 07:54:33 am
Post by: Tiruin on June 24, 2013, 08:01:11 am
Hmm.
That is still epic. I feel like the worst punchingbag ever though. But still everyone else is awesome. So that's worth it.
Post by: lawastooshort on June 24, 2013, 08:36:57 am
I smell an incoming epilogue.
No I think I will leave it there without anything further to say what’s what.
I would like to say that that is quite possibly the best turn I have ever read.
Wow – thank you.
It’s been more than fifteen months and I really enjoyed running this. Thank you for reading, waitlisting (apologies for the lack of death) and playing your excellent characters excellently.
The original plot document called for a dramatic plot twist denouement thing involving fighting Richard Nixon and Mick Jagger before a team deathmatch against the heroes’ evil alter egos in the very depths of David Bowie’s drug-addled mind: over time this had to change. If only I had nothing else to do...
Post by: freeformschooler on June 24, 2013, 04:39:14 pm
I was a tad bit surprised that Bowie or the Pimperator did not play a (notable?) role in the final battle, but the game was not really about them so much as the main team's quasihistoric chronoshenanigans.
Post by: monk12 on June 24, 2013, 08:03:26 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on June 25, 2013, 03:13:39 am
He pulls on a finger, then another finger, then cigarette,
The reign of evil’s fallen, the heroes linger, He won’t forget,
Oh no, no, was it a, total party suicide?
The end of evil they sought it, poor Stevo he bought it,
And the frogs came so fervently to McCartney’s song,
He looks at his breakfast tray but He don’t eat when He’s lived too long,
Oh no, no, was it a, total party suicide?
Regret and pain they’re stinging as He stumbles across the road,
His dear friends are buried in a tomb of toad,
The sun will never see their shadow,
Their victory never cleanse their mind,
Destiny’s unnatural and vigorously unkind.
Bowienauts! Where have you gone?
He watched you from afar but then never came,
Archimedes head got all mangled up and now He just says He,
Feels your pain,
Pimperator! Where have you gone?
No matter what or who Davy’s become,
No matter when or where you’ve gone,
Or how much evil tries to lacerate your brain,
He loved you all, and now He feels your pain,
Where have you gone?
Oh, Steve Irwin, noble croc wrestler (quite wonderful!)
Oh, Davy C, face so vomity (also wonderful!)
Tesla, Schrö-dinger’s Cat, Rasputin? (all so wonderful!)
Archimedes, you’ve done your last sum (they were wonderful!)
Oh McCartney, was that your last strum? (you’re all wonderful!)
Now, give me your hands.
Post by: freeformschooler on June 25, 2013, 03:15:11 pm
Spoiler: Alternate ending (click to show/hide)
(http://i.imgur.com/9WPjT0X.png)
(http://i.imgur.com/IZjaaH3.png)
(http://i.imgur.com/IZjaaH3.png)
The sound of frog bellies ricocheting off diamond sequins echoes through a lair some place, some time.
"Bugger. Bully." A hand pulls itself up. Then a head. Then a rest of a body. "Feckin eejits. British badmouthin' is the best."
DinoHITLER's lair needs renovation. Its exact geometry was esoteric already, but after that bit what happened last month - you know the part, the big battle, everyone's heard of it by now - one could say it's non-euclidean. Paul McCartney, beset upon by the light of day for the first time since, scoffs at Dead DinoHITLER's tragic lack of interior decorating finesse.
Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit with each step. The frogs don't hop from his foot: he is their master, and they are his carpet. There's something else, though, something else in the croaking carpet he sees. Is that a white-sleeved hand feebly peeking out?
"Multiply this... multiply that... no, wait, I need my abacus..."
The Last Beatle dashes to his aid, pulling that poor be-toga'd mathemagician's hand up from the mass of writhing, quivering Hyla Arborea. Sunlight shines on Archimedes' crazed eyes, burning them.
"What is this madness!? Who are you!?" Poor Archy has never sounded gruffer. "YOU FOOL! You RUINED IT!"
"Whoa, Archy, man, I thought I'd never see you again!" Paul puts up his hands and takes a step back.
"Three HUNDRED PLACES AND ONE DECIMAL PLACES! I was this close to calculating Pi to THREE HUNDRED AND ONE DECIMAL PLACES!" Archimedes pulls himself the rest of the way out of the pile of frogs.
"How did you survive, dude?" He thought to himself. "What did you eat?"
"Oh." The sun passes into the clouds at the right moment, cloaking Archimedes' face in shadow. "I... I had to eat Hulkimedes. He was extremely nutritious, and really it was one or the other, and you know what they say about the smartest-"
"Man, poor Hulkimedes. Hold on." Paul disregards his ally for a moment as he hones in on a faint "bzzzzzbeep, krrrrzzzbeep" from somewhere in the broken lair. "Do you hear that?"
Is it? IS it? Yes - yes, it IS! Paul McCartney runs toward the little sequined device several feet, er - dozens of centimeters, uh - multiple Appropriate British Distance Units away. Near the entrance to the lair, he finds a brain-juice-soaked Groovy Neural Intercom. Would you believe that? The same one what Bowie gave each of them before the Chairman Miauw heist.
"Hey, Archy, you think you can install this?" Paul waves to the philosowarrior from afar. Archimedes nods and runs over.
One quick magic brain surgery later, the Beatle's noggin is sewn back shut, and a holographic neuroscreen appears in his field vision. Groovy indeed, Bowie, groovy indeed.
"Well, what do you see?"
(http://i.imgur.com/yQdPj9n.png)
Oh, Steve Irwin, noble croc wrestler (quite wonderful!)
Oh, Davy C, face so vomity (also wonderful!)
Tesla, Schrö-dinger’s Cat, Rasputin? (all so wonderful!)
Archimedes, you’ve done your last sum (they were wonderful!)
Oh McCartney, was that your last strum? (you’re all wonderful!)
Now, give me your hands.
"Bother. It looks like the Magnificent Timelord's singing a melancholy refrain in our memory betwixt the cancerous smoke of an expensive fag." He thinks for a minute. "Oh, bother. What happened to Davy?"
They both scratch their Survivor Beards with too-long fingernails. Archy's, of course, is far more impressive.
"Er, I could try a Geomathical Scrying Spell-"
"Naww. If he was here, he'd be out by now. I just know it, you know?" Paul McCartney shouts at the bittersweet scene in his holoretina displayport. "HEY, TOP O' THE MORNIN', BOWIE!"
All David Bowies in every multispacepod in every multitimeline in the multiverse are simultaneously shocked.
(http://i.imgur.com/ntVVFrJ.png)
"Dude! Paul, is that like, really you?" Only the Magnificent Timelord's face now fills the viewscreen. "I thought you guys kicked it! Pushed up daisies! Lost your ticket to ride!"
"Me an' Archy. I don't think Davy or Stevo made it." Paul McCartney scratches the back of his head.
"Hold on, okay, hold on, everyone. I know I have a Teletranslocamator somewhere around here."
Momentarily, the two Bowienauts watch in horror and amazement as their arms, legs and everything else become rising spheres of sequined photons. They're zapped up past DinoHITLER's lair, past the frogs covering the Earth, past the sun and finally up into Bowie's Lightly-sequined Space Pod. The Pimperator, unusually, is not there to greet them with his enthusiasm and testosterone.
"Urrrgh. I'm feeling a little spacesick." Archimedes rises to his feet on the futuristic chrome flooring as Bowie approaches the two. The Aura of Secondhand Smoke glows brightly around him.
"Never thought I'd see the day." M.T.L. claps. "You know what? You guys deserve to go home."
"Oh." Despite his constant longing, the idea of returning to such a mundane life? Without the Beatles alongside him? Paul is a little hesitant. "Well. Back to Luxembourg and Syracuse? What do you say, Archy?"
"Mmm. Well, if I didn't go, I couldn't appear in your History books in the future, and that would be a time paradox, wouldn't it?" Archimedes shrugs.
The Magnificent Timelord runs back into his private jacuzzi room for a moment, telling the two he has a going-away present for them. They have, after all, not seen him in months.
"Here, boys," says Bowie, returning after a few minutes. "Spacetime Pagers. I know they're not as nice as like, a phone, but let me know if something wacky comes up, right?"
"And you'll page us if you ever need the band back together, right?"
Bowie nods slowly, his face curved into a sad, longing sort of smile from all the space marijuana.
Luxembourg, 1964
Crinkle-crinkle-FSH. Another paper hits the waste basket. A time-worn hand takes a lighter to the garbage and sets it aflame. Back to the drawing board.
"JANE! My ink's dry!" Paul taps his foot.
A red-head not so shorter than him enters the studio, sits her tea and crumpets down on the other side of his desk and looks toward the ground.
"You can't keep it up, you know." She pulls up a spinny chair across from him and spins in it once or twice. "You need a band. Some other boys to bounce ideas off. Ten grams of Preludin doesn't make a Lennon or Starr."
Paul sighs. There just aren't any Yellow Submarines in him anymore. He can't imagine why he thought coming back would fix everything. Heck, Asher's about the only thing he's got, and she's not a Beatle.
"Yeah. Want to take a walk?"
"...A walk?"
She walks behind him as they head down side of the river. Beautiful day, really. A faint rainbow's glimmer reaches all the way from the base of the river to a pot of gold somewhere in East Belgium.
"If you could be anything, what would you be?" Paul doesn't take his eyes off the clouds.
"Painter. Definitely painter. I'd love to be in one of those publications like we get on Sundays."
"Hmm."
Brrrrrrrr
"What about you?"
Brrrrrrrr
Paul takes something out of his pocket and looks it over.
"I guess..."
Paging Last Beatle
"If I had to choose..."
We've got a situation
"Out of all the things I could do..."
A timey-wimey problem
"I'd be a Bowienaut."
THE MAGNIFICENT TIMELORD: BOWIENAUTS OF FREEDOM
Post by: lawastooshort on June 25, 2013, 03:22:14 pm
Post by: TCM on June 25, 2013, 03:28:34 pm
Though I must ask, will there ever be another game in this style? I knew Machiavelli wasn't going to get in when I submitted him, but I always hoped that after the end there would be some opportunity to play as him...
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on June 25, 2013, 03:45:21 pm
I didn't think I'd ever get in as Elvis either, but WOW. That was...wow.
It reminds me of all those Parody Movies that are really popular but also really stupid, if they combined to create an ÜberMovie and proceeded to rampage through the town.
All in all, good show, sirs, all of you.
Post by: IronyOwl on June 25, 2013, 04:19:37 pm
As far as I can tell, well done.
Post by: Caellath on June 25, 2013, 04:22:44 pm
Post by: Toaster on June 25, 2013, 09:10:18 pm
I'll be keeping an eye out for new La RTDs... but I think you've already figured that out.
Post by: freeformschooler on June 25, 2013, 09:25:56 pm
SpeedoStalin laughed. His laugh was deep and unnerving, the laugh of the old men in gym locker rooms. "Did you think you would beat me easily bowienauts?" he spoke through his guttural accent. "I will show you what happens to those who dissident to the will of Marx." Moving at a speed only applicable to a dictator in a speedo, he rushed Steve Irwin, and struck him with a mighty pelvic thrust!