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Life Advice / misko27 has no questions.
« on: October 02, 2016, 12:00:05 am »
I'm locking this thread until I have further use for it. I no longer have any romantic interests or any real opportunities to date (and perhaps more importantly I'm just generally depressed and not really able to date), so this thread has become moot for the moment. If you have anything you wish to tell me or any interest in reviving this thread for whatever reason, please PM me directly.
Spoiler: Original post (click to show/hide)
Well, I never post in Life Advice, but I figured I was just trying to hide my question in GD under one of the emotion threads, and that if I'm going through that trouble I might as well do it right. Apologies in advance for this being long: I figured since I was going to make my own thread I might as well. TL;DR: I have a crush on a super busy girl who sits next to me in class and who I chat with all the time (but only in class). I want to ask her out, but I don't know how. I'm very shy.
Long version: I have a crush on the girl we'll call Sophia that I sit next to in my Statistics class. She's a Psych student. I sit next to her every time we have class. Since the ice was broken by a class assignment, I talk to her every time I see her. That isn't very often, though; only Mondays, Thursdays, and sometimes Tuesdays. Mostly I just ask her about her day and her life or she asks me the same in response; usually, the answer is that she is absurdly busy, and she recounts what work she has to do or has done recently (although this most recent Thursday, she was happy to report that she actually seemed to be on top of her schedule, and said that she was probably going to watch a movie or something; she was definitely in a better mood then I've usually seen her, and smiled a lot). I enjoy talking to her a lot. I have spoken to her outside of class twice. The first time, I got notes from her about a conference that I missed because I had work; that time we sat in the library and talked for about an hour about various things (she's from a small town in Middle America, she went to a very small highschool, and she has always been rather busy). The second, more recent time, I walked with her back from a group thing our Professor makes us go to on Tuesdays; that was a lot shorter, but I learned a couple of things like where she lives on campus (nearby). Other than that I don't see her very often; I haven't ever seen her at the Cafeteria or something. Sophia is a pretty quiet person overall, and generally very focused: most of the time that I walk into class, I see her working on something or another; an essay she's writing, or a book she needs to read, etc. I know she has friends here from what she's said to me, but I don't know anything about them. She doesn't have any facebook or social media profile, and avowedly she spends 35 hours a week studying1, 2. I don't know what her hobbies are; I don't think I've asked that question actually, although I do know when I asked her what she does in her free time she laughed and said "What free time?" I've seen her on her phone every so often, but beyond that she doesn't seem to relax or socialize a lot (I've only seen one other person talk to her, and it was a fellow Psych student asking about their shared professor when Sophia was talking to me about her work as a TA).
I want to ask Sophia out, but details are giving me troubles. I've never actually really successfully asked a girl out before, so I don't have any experience to fall back on. Not that I haven't tried a few times (twice, actually), but the first one was more like an awkward confession over facebook than anything else3, and the second time I thought I asked a girl out, she said yes to something), but I think I ended up proposing an open-ended "would you like to maybe get lunch at some point in the future?", and in practice that was the end of it because I was too shy to say anything again (this is important, remember this). I was in a relationship previously (and a fairly serious one to boot), but my previous girlfriend was very... forward, and I didn't actually make the first move (or the second move, or the third move). I actually tried asking Sophia out once already. When I walked with her back to her apartment, I was listening to her go on about how busy her Tuesdays are (very), and I had an idea in my head to say something like "Hey you should take a break. How about going on a date with me when you're free?", but right before I was about to say that, I decided that was a terrible thing to say. I panicked and I actually froze mid-sentence. When I got ahold of myself, I said something like "Would you like to hang out sometime when you're free?" She responded very positively, but as I've learned in the past, that doesn't actually amount to asking someone out.
So I need to ask her out to something in particular, and I need to suggest a time that would work (this is also a minor issue: since she's pretty busy, she says she needs time to schedule things in advance.) I don't know what's appropriate in general (most non-terrible advice I've seen on the internet is for asking out complete strangers or your best friend, and this is neither), nor what would work here in particular. I don't know if she has any interest in me or not, and I don't know whether I should be willing to try anyway. The one piece of advice that was for my situation recommended going out for drinks, or perhaps a coffee date. I don't want to do that because A) our campus is fairly far away from stuff. There are some places nearby, but a car would be pretty much mandatory for most of them (I don't have a car), and none of them are bars or starbucks as far as I know, and B) I don't actually drink alcohol OR coffee. I know she drinks coffee sometimes, so she might be up for that. I'd be willing to try the coffee date anyway (we are too young for drinks, and I'd rather not do that even if I could), but there is the risk that if I try drinking coffee the disgust will be visible on my face. Other then those options, not much comes to mind. On campus there is a very loud Cafeteria, a store where you can order food like Chicken fingers and stuff, and two regular cafes.
(TL;DR: It's up at the end of the first paragraph). So the points: Unless it turns out that asking her out is obviously going to go badly, I really want to try it out. I want to ask her out in a way that makes it clear that I want that it's a date and not a platonic hang-out (but I don't want to weird her out, so fairly casual nonetheless). I'd like to actually properly ask out a girl for once instead of sending a message through facebook, confessing my attraction in a little letter, or asking them out to something less than a date (or them asking *me* out on a date); even if she says no, I'd be happy with that result as long as I did my best.
So what should I say? I've been struggling to figure this out for a while, and googling dating tips is not very productive. I've been fairly lonely since I got back on campus and even if this doesn't work out, I'd like the experience of asking someone out to rely upon in the future. And yes I know I'm overthinking this (just look how long this post is!), but knowing that I'm covering a lot of the angles involved will make it a lot easier for me to actually ask her out without freezing mid-sentence again.
1We took a class survey at one point and have been using the results for various things; once when I was working together with her on something I pointed out mine, and she realized that the rows with our answers were right next to each other because we sat together the day that survey was passed around; because of this, I know her favorite season is fall, her pulse, the number of rockbands she can name in a minute (answer: more than twice the number I can), and other such marginally useful trivia.
2Surely she must be including some of her working hours here; she's also a TA for her teacher
3 Incidentally, to this day I appreciate how gently she let me down. I probably didn't come off very well, or even particularly sane, but she took the time to meet with me in person and gently let me know that she wasn't interested in a boyfriend at the moment. I think she later turned out to be gay.
Long version: I have a crush on the girl we'll call Sophia that I sit next to in my Statistics class. She's a Psych student. I sit next to her every time we have class. Since the ice was broken by a class assignment, I talk to her every time I see her. That isn't very often, though; only Mondays, Thursdays, and sometimes Tuesdays. Mostly I just ask her about her day and her life or she asks me the same in response; usually, the answer is that she is absurdly busy, and she recounts what work she has to do or has done recently (although this most recent Thursday, she was happy to report that she actually seemed to be on top of her schedule, and said that she was probably going to watch a movie or something; she was definitely in a better mood then I've usually seen her, and smiled a lot). I enjoy talking to her a lot. I have spoken to her outside of class twice. The first time, I got notes from her about a conference that I missed because I had work; that time we sat in the library and talked for about an hour about various things (she's from a small town in Middle America, she went to a very small highschool, and she has always been rather busy). The second, more recent time, I walked with her back from a group thing our Professor makes us go to on Tuesdays; that was a lot shorter, but I learned a couple of things like where she lives on campus (nearby). Other than that I don't see her very often; I haven't ever seen her at the Cafeteria or something. Sophia is a pretty quiet person overall, and generally very focused: most of the time that I walk into class, I see her working on something or another; an essay she's writing, or a book she needs to read, etc. I know she has friends here from what she's said to me, but I don't know anything about them. She doesn't have any facebook or social media profile, and avowedly she spends 35 hours a week studying1, 2. I don't know what her hobbies are; I don't think I've asked that question actually, although I do know when I asked her what she does in her free time she laughed and said "What free time?" I've seen her on her phone every so often, but beyond that she doesn't seem to relax or socialize a lot (I've only seen one other person talk to her, and it was a fellow Psych student asking about their shared professor when Sophia was talking to me about her work as a TA).
I want to ask Sophia out, but details are giving me troubles. I've never actually really successfully asked a girl out before, so I don't have any experience to fall back on. Not that I haven't tried a few times (twice, actually), but the first one was more like an awkward confession over facebook than anything else3, and the second time I thought I asked a girl out, she said yes to something), but I think I ended up proposing an open-ended "would you like to maybe get lunch at some point in the future?", and in practice that was the end of it because I was too shy to say anything again (this is important, remember this). I was in a relationship previously (and a fairly serious one to boot), but my previous girlfriend was very... forward, and I didn't actually make the first move (or the second move, or the third move). I actually tried asking Sophia out once already. When I walked with her back to her apartment, I was listening to her go on about how busy her Tuesdays are (very), and I had an idea in my head to say something like "Hey you should take a break. How about going on a date with me when you're free?", but right before I was about to say that, I decided that was a terrible thing to say. I panicked and I actually froze mid-sentence. When I got ahold of myself, I said something like "Would you like to hang out sometime when you're free?" She responded very positively, but as I've learned in the past, that doesn't actually amount to asking someone out.
So I need to ask her out to something in particular, and I need to suggest a time that would work (this is also a minor issue: since she's pretty busy, she says she needs time to schedule things in advance.) I don't know what's appropriate in general (most non-terrible advice I've seen on the internet is for asking out complete strangers or your best friend, and this is neither), nor what would work here in particular. I don't know if she has any interest in me or not, and I don't know whether I should be willing to try anyway. The one piece of advice that was for my situation recommended going out for drinks, or perhaps a coffee date. I don't want to do that because A) our campus is fairly far away from stuff. There are some places nearby, but a car would be pretty much mandatory for most of them (I don't have a car), and none of them are bars or starbucks as far as I know, and B) I don't actually drink alcohol OR coffee. I know she drinks coffee sometimes, so she might be up for that. I'd be willing to try the coffee date anyway (we are too young for drinks, and I'd rather not do that even if I could), but there is the risk that if I try drinking coffee the disgust will be visible on my face. Other then those options, not much comes to mind. On campus there is a very loud Cafeteria, a store where you can order food like Chicken fingers and stuff, and two regular cafes.
(TL;DR: It's up at the end of the first paragraph). So the points: Unless it turns out that asking her out is obviously going to go badly, I really want to try it out. I want to ask her out in a way that makes it clear that I want that it's a date and not a platonic hang-out (but I don't want to weird her out, so fairly casual nonetheless). I'd like to actually properly ask out a girl for once instead of sending a message through facebook, confessing my attraction in a little letter, or asking them out to something less than a date (or them asking *me* out on a date); even if she says no, I'd be happy with that result as long as I did my best.
So what should I say? I've been struggling to figure this out for a while, and googling dating tips is not very productive. I've been fairly lonely since I got back on campus and even if this doesn't work out, I'd like the experience of asking someone out to rely upon in the future. And yes I know I'm overthinking this (just look how long this post is!), but knowing that I'm covering a lot of the angles involved will make it a lot easier for me to actually ask her out without freezing mid-sentence again.
1We took a class survey at one point and have been using the results for various things; once when I was working together with her on something I pointed out mine, and she realized that the rows with our answers were right next to each other because we sat together the day that survey was passed around; because of this, I know her favorite season is fall, her pulse, the number of rockbands she can name in a minute (answer: more than twice the number I can), and other such marginally useful trivia.
2Surely she must be including some of her working hours here; she's also a TA for her teacher
3 Incidentally, to this day I appreciate how gently she let me down. I probably didn't come off very well, or even particularly sane, but she took the time to meet with me in person and gently let me know that she wasn't interested in a boyfriend at the moment. I think she later turned out to be gay.
