@Chaosmaker:
I'm going to be chewing on Lolfail for now, so I'll pen you in for tomorrow <3
@Lolfail:
Imma post this in the main thread, as I don't have anything particularly-nasty to say (for once) and so don't have to worry about starting a ‼DRAMA‼, and also because it might help others.
(Ahem)
My biggest complaint here is that you aren't using paragraphs enough. True, like 95% of all English grammar constructs, they aren't strictly necessary -- but, like 99% of all English grammar constructs, they help immensely. I'll post the middle section with line breaks inserted, to give y'all an idea of how much easier it makes it to read:
"Ok, he might be a bit pissed now," I thought to myself.
I raised my hands to intercept the Darklight Spear, quickly calling on my twin gauntlets whilst recalling the ancient trills for Time, Chaos, Order, Change and Travel. A lengthy spell, but it can open the Entropy Tunnel as easily as any of the Starlit Isho of Idyllia, or the triplet suns' eclipse over Vijha. Almost lost amidst the Old Creator's screams, my yell rang out; "SCINDITE! SARCIRENT!"
Antiphotosteel rang against antiphotosteel, and the ring that resulted caused ribbons of twirling light; a sign of discordant Audiomancy. If such a phenomenon was going to continue, I wouldn't be able to get away, not to mention Scindite and Sarcirent would be shattered by Warudandr.
I shouted a quick command at the purple gauntlets, seemingly gibberish to all but the two MuDMIAAs and I. "Scindite, next contact grasp possible, name Warudandr, full grasp relay Sarcirent! Sarcirent, on relay, shift mode zero!"
As Warudandr came crashing down, I wet my lips and raised my right fingers, the ones inside Sarcirent. I thrust forward with my left hand, grabbing Warudandr and silencing the tolling. As loud as I could, I began to whistle and tap my fingers against the air, which Sarcirent interpreted and output a series of notes akin to a grand piano. Behind me, the glow of the swirling rift shone, and I ended the whistling, but kept the piano going as I called out another command; "Scindite, release maximum feedback!"
The sudden release of Warudandr jarred my left hand, but also sent the Old Creator slamming back through the monitor and into the mess of cables behind. I took one last glance at my former self, then ran for my life down the Entropy Tunnel, which in retrospect should have led me anywhere but right into a bloody puddle, surrounded by dwarves wielding wafer-thin, iridescent swords, led by the one dwarf - no, he was no dwarf at five foot eight - who resented me the most.
The Dreamer.
It can be a bit hard to judge where to put line breaks, but you should always do so to prevent your writing from turning into a Big Ol' Wall O' Text. Basically, put one in whenever something new happens (that isn't directly caused by something you just described), whenever the subject changes, whenever someone finishes speaking, or generally whereever the narration shifts gears slightly. You may need to get a bit draconian when dealing with a huge paragraph such as the one above which is all basically describing the same course of events.
Simply stating who the narrator is whenever it changes works well enough, but I feel as though there may have been a more-graceful way to integrate it, though I'm buggered to think of what it could be.
Your handling of dialogue could be a bit smoother in spots... like here:
At this, the bastard smiled. "A number I may be but your name, I'd like to point out, is an insult. Not even to any opponent; your very name insults you, which is why you prefer 'Old Creator', I presume?"
It would have read a bit more smoothly to my eyes had you put a semicolon instead of a period after "smiled". You do something like this at other points, though, so I'd assume this was a random slip-up.
As far as positive things go, you're quite articulate. You have a fairly-good, varied vocabulary, but you use it properly -- you don't go overboard with the two-dollar words (at least not enough for it to get grating).
You do seem a bit reluctant to use pronouns sometimes, though -- at one point, you referred to someone as "the bastard" twice consecutively, which jumped out at me. We already gathered that the narrator thinks the subject is a bastard -- no need to state it twice. In situations like that, just use 'he' or such. The thing with using lots of descriptive terms is that if what they're describing has already been brought to the reader's attention, they're just dead weight.
I could probably find more little things to bitch about if I really tried, but I just took my sister trick-or-treating and I'm tired. I don't know much about the story you're writing, so I'll refrain from commenting on the subject matter, as I'd have no idea what I'm talking about.
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Topic: [34.11] Spearbreakers - It shudders and begins to move (Read 2208297 times)