Post by: lawastooshort on August 06, 2012, 07:34:48 am
Roll to Priest
(http://www.imcdb.org/i070109.jpg)
(http://www.imcdb.org/i070109.jpg)
“RIGHT,” shouts Bishop Lennan, in his infamous ALL CAPS voice. “THESE HERE PRIESTS ARE THE BEST FECKING PRIESTS IN THE WHOLE OF ROLLY ISLAND.” He pauses to get his breath back, and you pause to wipe the spittle off your forehead.
“AND YOU, YOU FECKERS, YOU ARE THE BEST FECKING PRIESTS IN THE WHOLE OF THE REST OF IRELAND. IT'S SUNDAY, SO OF COURSE THEY'RE ALL OUT DELIVERING MASS. THEY'RE THE BEST AT WHAT THEY DO. CAN YOU FECKING STOP THEM? OR ARE YOU ALL JUST A BUNCH OF FECKING EEJITS?”
Spoiler: What’s The Feck’s Going On? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: So How Do I Join? And What Do I Do? (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: But I’ve No Idea How to Perform Mass (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Priestly Classes (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM’s Notes (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Acceptable Swear Words (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Episode Two Introduction and Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Episode Three Introduction and Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Episode Four Introduction and Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Episode Five Introduction and Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on August 06, 2012, 07:35:13 am
1. Toaster as Father Lars
2. Tiruin as Father Tiruin
3. Yoink as Father O'Feckerty
4. Errol as Father Errol
Waitlist:
5. Zomara as "Father Silver" Father Zomara
6. Geen as "Father Beige" Father McGeenyton
7. Firelordsky as "Father Teal" Father Priest
8. Father Cyan (Spaghetti7 as Father Boggar)
9. monk12 as Father Dick
10. Greenstarfanatic as Father Fusco
11. DigitalHellhound as Father Brown
12. micelus as Father John 'Don't'cha Know' Reilly
13. Flying Dice as Father Flying Dice
14. Xantalos as Father Macready
Post by: zomara0292 on August 06, 2012, 07:36:35 am
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 06, 2012, 07:59:40 am
Post by: Errol on August 06, 2012, 08:10:20 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on August 06, 2012, 08:53:25 am
Post by: monk12 on August 06, 2012, 11:08:48 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 06, 2012, 11:39:59 am
Post by: Geen on August 06, 2012, 01:49:32 pm
Oh god, this is going to end badly. And by that I mean very well, if FUN is good.
Post by: Scelly9 on August 06, 2012, 01:59:52 pm
Post by: micelus on August 06, 2012, 02:44:39 pm
Post by: Flying Dice on August 06, 2012, 03:05:46 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on August 06, 2012, 03:37:19 pm
“RIGHT, YOU FECKIN' FECKERS,” Bishop Lennan shouts at the group of you. You try not to instinctively back off, wincing in pain at his massive voice.
“I NEED YOU TO RUIN THESE FECKERS' FECKIN' MASS. I'VE SEEN ALL OF YOU RUIN MASSES DOZENS OF TIMES BEFORE, BUT THIS TIME YOU HAVE TO FECKIN' WELL DO IT ON PURPOSE, YOU BLEEDIN' EEJITS.”
A priest to your right begins to sob into his cassock. You realise that he too has a coloured tab collar, just like Bishop Lennan instructed you to wear. Odd. Bishop Lennan's normally such an orthodox clergyman.
“YOU RUIN THE MASS, AND YOU'LL HAVE PROVEN YOU'RE NOT SUCH A FECKIN' EEJIT AFTER ALL, AND THEN PERHAPS I WON'T MAKE YOU STAY ON THIS WINDSWEPT HELLHOLE FOR TEN YEARS AFTER ALL. Because of course,” he says, almost reducing his voice to a sensual whisper that's even more terrifying than his normal voice and, for some reason, reminds you of the rumours about his love-child in America, “WE'RE ALL ABOUT FECKIN' FORGIVENESS IN THE CHURCH, AREN'T WE!”
A chorus of whimpered agreement breaks out.
“RIGHT! NOW, I'M TOURING THE ISLAND TODAY, AND IF I SEE A MASS GOING WELL, I'M GOING TO KICK YOU RIGHT UP THE FECKIN' BOLLOCKS. YOU HEAR? NOW GO! IF YOU LEAVE RIGHT AWAY YOU'LL GET THERE JUST IN TIME TO RUIN THE INTRODUCTORY RITES...”
He points to your tab collars.
“Father Green! You go to Cloonsherevagh.
Father Veridian! You're off to Ardglass.
Father Silver! Off to Creggenbaun with you.
Father Beige – get off to Knockcloghrim.
Father Orange – you're going to Mullaghbrack.
And Father Purple – you feckin' well stay here in Termonfeckin. Now feck off!”
It's time to make your way to the church...
And in a scene repeated half a dozen times across the island...
In the village rectory of Termonfeckin, on Rolly Island, somewhere in the far west of Ireland...
“RIGHT, YOU FECKIN' FECKER,” Bishop Lennan shouts down the phone. You hold it further away from your ear, wincing in pain at his massive voice.
“I'M TOURING ROLLY ISLAND TODAY, AND THAT MEANS I'M COMING TO WITNESS YOUR FECKIN' AWFUL SUNDAY FECKIN' MASS.”
You turn the phone down and place it on the table before walking to the other side of the room.
“I want that Mass to be the best Sunday feckin' Mass I've ever feckin' heard, Father Teal, or I'm gonna kick you right up the feckin' arse! Do you feckin' hear me?”
“Yes, yes Bishop Lennan, of course sir, very good sir, best Mass of my life sir...” you whimper, edging back towards the table.
“I FECKIN' HOPE SO! NOW, THERE'S A PAIR OF TROUBLE MAKING PRIESTS FECKIN' ABOUT ON THE ISLAND, AND I HEAR THEY'RE OUT TO MAKE SOME FECKIN' TROUBLE. IF THEY COME TO TERMONFECKIN, I WANT YOU TO ABSOLUTELY MASS THE FECKIN' BOLLOCKS OUT OF THEM. OK? OR I'M GONNA KICK YOU AND THEM RIGHT UP THE FECKIN' ARSE...”
The bishop hangs up. It's time to make your way to the church...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
PM YOUR ACTIONS!
Post by: Toaster on August 06, 2012, 03:59:14 pm
Post by: Spinal_Taper on August 06, 2012, 04:33:02 pm
Father Merack.
Post by: monk12 on August 06, 2012, 08:02:16 pm
Gee, I wonder who Veridian is?
Giovanni?
Post by: Tiruin on August 07, 2012, 12:33:19 am
Well, not me.Gee, I wonder who Veridian is?
Giovanni?
Post by: lawastooshort on August 07, 2012, 06:15:24 am
Episode One, Turn One. Jane The Dachshund
(http://dogbreedinsight.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Dachshund-11.jpg)
(http://dogbreedinsight.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Dachshund-11.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
I will, in addition to saying the introductory rites, pray to God beforehand for strength in the upcoming mass.
...“Dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dunnnnnnnnnnnn.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dunnnnnnnnnnnn.”
In the back room of the church of the village of Termonfeckin, Father Teal begins his traditional Sunday Mass in his traditional manner.
“Dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dunnnnnnnnnnnn”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dun dun.”
“Dun dunnnnnnnnnnnn”
He bends his head in prayer as the music blasts through his headphones.
“Risin’ up, back on the street,
Did my time, took my chances…”
Did my time, took my chances…”
He prays to God for the strength to see himself through the coming test.
“It’s the,
Eye of the Tiger,
It’s the thrill of the fight!”
Eye of the Tiger,
It’s the thrill of the fight!”
Jumping to his feet, Father Teal punches the air before him, ripping the headphones out of the CD player as he rises, filling the back room with the glory of God!
“AND HE’S WATCHING US ALL WITH THE…
EYE OF THE TIGER!”
EYE OF THE TIGER!”
Father Teal is filled with the strength of God! +1 bonus to Strength rolls next turn!
Father Teal hits the off button and steps out into the Church towards the altar. He doesn’t notice the congregation’s strange glances.
Quote from: Father Purple
I wait for the mass to begin, sitting in the very front row....The only thing Father Teal notices is Father Purple, sitting in the very front row, very unpriestlike indeed. He doesn’t recognise him. It suddenly dawns on him.
“JESUS CHRIST!” he suddenly shouts involuntarily. “Oh, forgive me Father. Oh feck! It’s the feckin’ armed robber on the run after the job in the village of Creggenbaun! Oh feckin’ feck! We’re all gonna die!”
The fifty members of the congregation begin to fidget about!
They begin to scream!
They begin to shift from their seats and jump up and run around!
“OH JESUS CHRIST IT’S THE ARMED FECKIN’ ROBBER FROM CREGGENBAUN! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! CALL THE FECKIN’ COPS!”
A dozen mobile phones appear from a dozen pockets as terrified pandemonium breaks out.
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Exercise voice a bit, try imitating the bishop's speech patterns, and then get a megaphone before heading to mass...Elsewhere on the island, in the church of the village of Knockcloghrim to be exact, Mass begins in an only slightly quieter fashion as shouted Latin wafts through into the nave.
“Aaaaaaaa-aaaa-aaaah-mennnnnn…”
Several women of a certain age in the congregation look approvingly at each other. They like a good Mass. They like to know it’s being delivered with passion.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii… hmm… IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FECKIN’ FILII… yes…”
Grabbing his trusty megaphone, Father Red takes several deep breaths, and walks out to the altar.
Father Red has a voice bonus! +1 to Voice rolls next turn!
Quote from: Father Beige
Enter church, find all that wine+bread stuff for that one ceremony, drink all the wine and get very, very drunk....Father Red sees a priest he’s never seen before finishing off the last of the communion wine and then wandering over to the nave and slumping down into the nearest pew. Father Beige looks very, very drunk.
Undeterred, Father Red starts the Introductory Rites.
Father Beige has a drunkenness bonus! +d4-2 to rolls next turn!
Father Red has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Father Red has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Pink
Right, time to perform the best Mass ever, and I bet any troublemaker will start off by being noisy. I'll just make sure I have a turned-on Microphone so I can be heard over anything anyone tries.
Quote from: Father Green
Use a phone to hire a mime and send him off to my rival's mass. Tell him to do disturbing stuff, which is whatever a mime does. Tell the mime that everyone at mass is in on the act....In the village of Cloonsherevagh, Father Green desperately rifles through a phone book in a nearby telephone cabin.
“Oh Jesus! Someone’s only gone and feckin’ stolen the feckin’ mime page! Bloody bollocks! Well, at least they’ll have a nice mime!”
Meanwhile, in the church of Cloonsherevagh, Father Pink taps his microphone and starts Mass.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii…”
Father Pink has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
I'd like to have a bottle of holy water and a cross please. A small, portable one....In the village church of Ardglass, Father Cyan prepares to deliver his traditional Sunday Mass at the traditional time in his traditional manner and-
Quote from: Father Cyan
What sort of things can one actually do on an action? For now, I'll just try to contact Father Grey with the intentions of a non-aggression pact. Hold the fort.
...Suddenly he remembers his old friend Father Grey is in town and rings him to come and join him for Mass!
Quote from: Father Veridian
Father Viridian speaks as the Introductory Rights begins, standing at the middle aisle, in front of the altar yet right at the church entrance....Just as Father Cyan steps into the church hall to begin Mass a few minutes later, he sees Father Viridian standing in the centre of the aisle next to the main doors.
Enter church as a guest priest, look at current priest with a glare of recognition and a cheery smile.
Hopefully the man isn't insolent and invites me in.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii…”
"Greeeeeetings,” interrupts Father Viridian in a terribly dull drone. ”My chiiiildreeeen."
“…et Spìritus Sancti. Aaaa-aaa-aaaamennn”
"I wiiiiill beeeee your guest prieeeesst toda-arrGH!"
Suddenly Father Grey storms into the church, flinging the doors wide open and smashing Father Viridian to the floor! He gets back up to his knees, blood pouring from his face!
Father Cyan has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Brown
”Well, well, I hope this troublemaker won't get my fiery Irish blood boiling, oh my.”...Father Brown kindly welcomes his congregation to the church of Creggenbaun, vehemently offering each villager in person a cup of tea and a biscuit. Once everyone seems to be seated, he ambles gently over to the altar and prepares himself to deliver a cracking Mass.
Father Brown sets a plate of biscuits and tea for his congregation at the door and sets his friendly dachshund, Jane, to guard them from any bad sorts that might be nearby and greet new arrivals.
Then the rites!
Suddenly a yelping commotion breaks out at the back of the church!
Quote from: Father Silver
Infiltrate the mass as one of the priests and spike the wine with a strong aphrodisiac...Just as Father Silver is about to pour some unidentified substance into the communion wine, a friendly dachshund leaps up out of nowhere, biting him on the feckin’ bollocks! He screams! Father Brown halts his lovely Latin as the congregation turn as one.
An unknown priest seems to be wrestling his dog on the floor!
After a couple of minutes of dog-priest wrestling, Father Silver jumps to his feet and flees, sprinting round the edges of the church as fast as he can and clutching his groin, scattering congregation members and chairs alike as he goes!
Just inches behind him follows a yelping dachshund, jumping and urinating with glee over the fallen congregation members!
”Oh! Jane! Jane!” cries out Father Brown from the front of the church. ”Oh, feckin’ shite…”
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Blue
Have the organist on standby to whip out some jazzy riffs to distract the flock should anything go wrong....Father Blue stands and begins.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii…”
“…et Spìritus Sancti. Aaaaaaaaaa-aa-aahmennnnnn”
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange, spurred by a desire to spread joy to all living things in accordance with the will of God Amen, rises up for the Opening Hymn. His boisterous baritone bellows out the the first verse, and the second... and the third. And the fourth. And then the first again. And then second, third, fourth, first, second, third, fourth forever and ever Amen....As the Opening Hymn begins after the Introductory Rites, a joyous voice booms forth and joins in. Father Orange’s voice rings out, clear as a bell!
tl;dr Musical Filibuster
As the Opening Hymn ends, a joyous voice continues to boom forth! Father Orange’s voice rings out, clear as an entire village of bells! He starts the Opening Hymn again!
Without a second's hesitation, Father Blue signals to his organist, who whips out some pre-prepared jazz!
Filled with joy, Father Orange is unable to stop himself from standing up in the middle of the nave and dancing with holy righteousness!
Suddenly the main church doors swing open.
It’s only bloody Bishop feckin’ Lennan! He dashes down the aisle and tackles Father Orange to the floor before standing up and giving him a firm kick in the arse! He whispers into Father Orange’s ear.
”What the feckin’ shite do you feckin’ think you’re feckin’ doing, Father Orange! I told you to feckin’ well interrupt the feckin’ Mass, not to feckin’ ridicule yourself in public! No matter what the rumours about my behaviour in America might say, dancing is not behaviour fit for a feckin’ priest!”
He stands up.
”FATHER BLUE. PLEASE CONTINUE WITH YOUR EXCELLENT MASS.”
Bishop Lennan turns to leave, surely on his way to visit another parish.
Father Blue has a +1 Bishop’s Blessing bonus to next turn!
Father Blue has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Father Blue has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
Ooh, I meant to add - if anyone neutral wants to suggest actions for any startled congregation members, please feel free!
Post by: Tiruin on August 07, 2012, 06:38:28 am
Especially since I know the ins and outs of all that happens in a mass. XD
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 07, 2012, 06:49:24 am
Post by: lawastooshort on August 07, 2012, 06:58:46 am
Please just indicate which priest or village they belong to...
Post by: Errol on August 07, 2012, 12:07:56 pm
Post by: Geen on August 07, 2012, 01:52:01 pm
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 07, 2012, 01:57:40 pm
Post by: Errol on August 07, 2012, 02:09:39 pm
I honestly have no clue how I formed a non-agression pact with a fellow priest. ;D Kudos to the GM for incorporating that in.
Ssshhhh, I don't want to know who's who just yet.
Post by: monk12 on August 07, 2012, 02:29:34 pm
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 07, 2012, 04:05:46 pm
Oh. Um. That's awkward. Edited for a bit of really subtle anonymity.I honestly have no clue how that priest formed a non-agression pact with a fellow priest. ;D Kudos to the GM for incorporating that in.
Ssshhhh, I don't want to know who's who just yet.
Post by: lawastooshort on August 07, 2012, 04:46:31 pm
Episode One, Turn Two. The Cops.
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Imj2IJAHNog/TdSqL1gkMOI/AAAAAAAAA_w/YuJWKVrhP90/s1600/Armed+Irish+police+officers+guard+the+Irish+War+Memorial+Gardens+at+Islandbridge+during+a+visit+by+Britain%2527s+Queen+Elizabeth+and+Ireland%2527s+President+Mary+McAleese+in+Dublin+%25283%2529.jpg)
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Imj2IJAHNog/TdSqL1gkMOI/AAAAAAAAA_w/YuJWKVrhP90/s1600/Armed+Irish+police+officers+guard+the+Irish+War+Memorial+Gardens+at+Islandbridge+during+a+visit+by+Britain%2527s+Queen+Elizabeth+and+Ireland%2527s+President+Mary+McAleese+in+Dublin+%25283%2529.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
Tell the organist to play an upbeat jazz tune and call the Knights Templar to keep control of this mess and hopefully discourage Father Purple from doing anything too drastic....In the quaint village church of Termonfeckin, melodramatic organ music fills the air as Father Teal attempts to dial the number for the Knights Templar on his mobile priest phone. He signals with his hand for the organist to quieten down.
But just then, one of the assembled villagers, a keen medieval re-enactment fan, leaps from his pew for no apparent reason, dashing up the aisle towards Father Teal and suddenly stabbing him through the thigh with his replica broadsword!
Father Teal collapses bleeding to the ground as the organist finally understands he wants some upbeat jazz.
Quote from: Father Purple
Pull out the toy gun I happened to bring along, pointing it at the ceiling. Backing off, I knock a bunch of lit candles into the nearby curtains. On purpose of course....Father Purple ignores both the upbeat jazz and the sword-wielding mentalist as he draws a toy gun from his cassock pocket, pointing it towards the ceiling as he slowly backs away from the remaining congregation members. He's a few metres away from the main door when he knocks over a tall candlestick, setting fire to the curtains nearest the exit.
Suddenly a megaphone enhanced voice rings out from the church courtyard.
“JOHN O'GOBBERTY! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE AND WE KNOW YOU DID IT! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND NO ONE WILL GET HARMED! I REPEAT! WE'VE GOT THE CHURCH SURROUNDED! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND NO ONE WILL GET HARMED!”
Father Purple peers round the burning curtain and ducks immediately as a red laser beam paints itself across the room.
”Feckin' shite! The armed feckin' police!”
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Continue with the Liturgy of the Word, and just increase volume and Irish swear word density if Father Beige tries to disrupt. Continue with the mass at all costs, in extreme cases while performing a flying kick to his face.
...Meanwhile, in the quiet rural church of the village of Knockcloghrim, Father Red steams onwards with his so far successful traditional Sunday Mass.
“Verbum Dòmini...”
"FECK YOU, YA FECKIN' ARSEHOLE BASTARD!"
Quote from: Father Beige
Start a bar fight. In a church. By punching out Father Red. And setting fire to the church.
...Suddenly the drunken priest who stole the communion wine rushes up to the altar, punches himself in the face, falls over onto the nearby candle table, sets his hair alight, and then tumbles off onto the steps below!
As the blood pours from the groaning Father Beige's face onto the stone steps of Father Red's parish church, Father Red's strong and holy voice increases in volume, holding the attention of his villagers in a perfect demonstration of his excellent priestliness.
“Credo in unum Deum...”
Father Beige groans.
“I FECKIN' WELL SAID, CREDO IN UNUM DEUM!”
Father Red quickly steps forwards to kick Father Beige down the remaining steps. He continues.
“PATREM OMNIPOTENTEM, YOU FECKIN' GOBSHITE!”
Father Red has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
Pour red dye into the holy water and then sit down at a pew and strike up an Entertaining Conversation with people next to me. So Entertaining in fact, that they forget all about the mass....After Father Green pours dye into the font of holy water, he wanders over to the nearest pew and sits down to start a conversation with one of the congregation. Although initially irritated at having his Mass interrupted, the local is soon drawn into the fascinating tale.
“… but in Paraguay apparently they don’t even have them! Which is strange, because my father, rest his soul, well, you see, a piece of advice he gave me when I was very young, and which I always remembered, was, you see, when in Paraguay, NEVER to… wait… or was it ALWAYS? Anyway, what’s your favourite humming sound? Is it a low kind of ‘hmmmmm’? Or more kind of a medium pitched hum, like, say, a refrigerator during the night, you know, or perhaps even…”
Several villagers around Father Green are listening by this point, nearly entirely forgetting even where they are!
Quote from: Father Pink
...The villagers are soon reminded.
Make sure I have my Notes with me, so that I can recite the Liturgy of the Word without error, even if distracted.
Up by the altar, Father Pink, oblivious to this rival for his congregation’s attention, suddenly has a terrible panic. What if he forgets the words?! He frantically searches about his cassock pockets for his notes, thrusting his hands into first one hole and then another, digging out an assortment of lint, fluff, old mints – and aha!
His notes!
He whips them out with such desperate speed that they fly out of his hand, spinning straight into the nearby candle and immediately catching fire!
The burning sheaf of paper drops to the floor, whereupon Father Pink jumps out from behind the altar and stamps on it to put it out – but it only sets his luxuriant cassock ablaze!
The congregation look on aghast as the flaming Father Pink runs round in ever decreasing circles behind the altar!
!!Father Pink!! has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
Use the assigned action as per section 6.3 of the pact, instructing Father Grey to take Father Veridian (or whatever) to the back of the church for a later role in the ceremony. Oh, and perform the liturgy of the word....”Father Grey!” shouts Father Cyan in the church of Ardglass. ”Father Grey! Oh, bollocks, where the feck did I put the fecking words to the feckin' liturgy? It's the Liturgy of the feckin' Word, I need to have the feckin' words... Oh shite...”
Quote from: Father Veridian
Continue as if nothing interrupted me, I mean, the blood adds effects.
Meaning, volunteer to be the reader of the readings. Act convincing.
Convincing in my own terms. Bring out the monotones!
...”The feckin' wooords, you say?” drones the terminally boring Father Veridian. ”Here, I have the feckin' wooords here, you see? Will you not let me help you deliver the Mass now? Oh shite now, where the feck did I put the feckin' wooords? I just picked them up, and now they're gone, and... Hey! Father Grey! Get the feckin' feck off me you great feckin' eejit!”
Father Cyan has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Brown
Reaching for one of the aides, Father Brown instructs him to spread booklets about upcoming church events to distract the congregation before rushing out to deal with the troublemaker....”Oh, Jane,” whispers Father Brown, half to himself and half to the Lord. ”Oh, Jane...” Who could so savagely attack a poor, defenceless animal like her? And to think he was supposed to have performed the Introductory Rites already! There was no way he could leave Jane alone against the fiend, though. Like his mentor Father Ultramarine had always said, those who practised cruelty to animals would die by the sword, or something like that... But first, he would need a way to distract the crowd...
Indeed! For Creggenbaun’s congregation seem rather startled by this intrusion of a dog-wrestling priest into their Sunday Mass, but their bestartlement is quickly forgotten when a junior priest starts walking down the aisles distributing leaflets about next week's visit from the Neasden Over-90's Nudist Leapfrog Team!
The excitement causes such a stir no one notices Father Brown angrily stomp down from the altar towards the running Father Silver!
Quote from: Father Silver
Dachshund must be blessed with a swift hand (crack its neck) and prayed over that...."This feckin' dog has a demon in it!” shouts the fleeing Father Silver, almost imperceptibly. “We must get at it with the laying of the hands!"
Then realize my nads were just turned into a dog toy. And scream in pain appropriately.
Suddenly the priest turns round to face the dog and roars a roar of angry and priestly defiance before descending into a fiery pit of violent gibberish!
"Dear Holy Lord with your grand and mighty might of ages! BLESS THIS BASTARD to your highest heavens and forgive it for striking a man of the cloth in your holy house! Let not its FECKIN’ BASTARD OWNER feel the sin that is upon him, but, as your word says, show eye for an eye and give his own wanker to you as a sacrifice. Aye men.”
Even more suddenly, Father Silver catches up with the now fleeing dog and leaps upon it, catching it in his arms and raising it above his head. The congregation seem a little less interested in the Neasden Over-90's Nudist Leapfrog Team's impending visit when he rends Jane the Dachshund in two above him with his bare hands! Blood and dog liver spatter everywhere, covering the shocked villagers in organs and fur!
The horrified villagers rise from their pews, several reaching for their mobile phones as they run from the building, and many more rushing up and tackling Father Silver to the ground!
As tears stream down his face, Father Brown kicks Father Silver right up the feckin' arse!
Just then Father Silver remembers his groin was savaged by the deceased dog, and he briefly passes out from the pain.
Father Brown kicks Father Silver right up the feckin' arse again!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
During the Gospel, Father Orange suddenly shrieks and collapses to the floor in the center aisle, speaking in tongues and spinning in circles in a manner not unlike a certain stooge!...Whilst Father Blue mumbles through the Liturgy of the word and the congregation lean forward, straining to hear and letting out a definite ambiance of disgruntledness, his organist suddenly plays a dramatic burst of rather unorthodox gospel accompaniment.
Father Orange runs shrieking into the centre aisle, collapsing to the floor and spinning round in horrible circles!
"Oh feck,” he blasts, “Oh I can feckin' see it all! The feckin' End Times are feckin' nigh! This is no time to be in a Church - quickly, everyone to the feckin' pub!"
He froths at the mouth a little as several of the locals look uneasily about, and most of the rear two rows surreptitiously glance around before sneaking out of the back door.
"Oh fecking feck! Feck fecking feckety feck!”
Quote from: Father Blue
Graciously continue with the Liturgy of the Word, making up for my poorly-rehearsed mumbling by having the organist punctuate the especially significant bits with some more solos. They seem to be working out so far, after all....Father Blue stops his mumblingly incompetent liturgy.
Also keep them on standby for any further interruptions.
“JESUS FECKIN'... oh, forgive me Father... SHITE! WE NEED TO GET TO THE FECKIN' PUB!”
He makes a run for the main church doors, rushing down the main aisle and coming very suddenly to his senses when he trips over Father Orange, smashing his face off the corner of a nearby pew.
In the panic, another few rows' worth of of parishioners get up and leave. The rest peer over at the stricken priests. The mood is one of discontent.
Father Blue has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist! But it doesn't seem many of you will need to know that!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist! But it doesn't seem many of you will need to know that!
Post by: Toaster on August 07, 2012, 11:07:04 pm
Post by: Firelordsky on August 08, 2012, 07:14:30 am
Post by: Tiruin on August 08, 2012, 07:17:26 am
Do you win if your opponent is dead?You dare to murder a fellow follower of the cloth?
/me glares at this strange person.
Post by: lawastooshort on August 08, 2012, 07:20:09 am
Do you win if your opponent is dead?
Good question. I will have to rule that it depends on 1/Your opponent's revivability; 2/Your success or otherwise in your allotted task; 3/The priestly glory or shame in which you covered yourself in performing your task.
For example: If you go and outright kill your opponent, this is generally severely frowned upon in the Church. It will not do. Bishop Lennan will kick you right up the arse and maybe even use his Bishoply powers to revive your opponent.
I know this isn't clear, but, well, you know. The spirit of the law is more important than the letter of the law in this case.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 08, 2012, 07:16:23 pm
Post by: zomara0292 on August 08, 2012, 08:43:08 pm
O_o I feel genuinely sad for poor Lucy the Daschound. May she rest in peace...i think its jane.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 08, 2012, 09:02:07 pm
Post by: monk12 on August 08, 2012, 09:47:25 pm
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 08, 2012, 11:23:35 pm
Enough with my life story though, what new with you?
Post by: lawastooshort on August 09, 2012, 02:42:48 am
edit: No, it's not Father "Burning Incompetence" Firelordsky...
Post by: Firelordsky on August 09, 2012, 05:52:40 am
No update today as I'm still waiting for one last priest. I think I might have to auto him at 16.00 CET Friday.*cough*cough*totallynotme*cough*
Post by: lawastooshort on August 09, 2012, 08:28:04 am
Episode One, Turn Three: The Sacrificial Knife.
(http://tnypic.net/48643.png)
(http://tnypic.net/48643.png)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
Disarm the violent mentalist and yell at Father Purple..."To arms!” yells Father Teal, pulling the replica broadsword out of his thigh flesh. “A duel will settle the question of whose dedication to the Faith is stronger!"
Whilst the mildly uplifting jazz organ continues in the background, Father Teal advances down the side of the church towards Father Purple, sword in hand.
Quote from: Father Purple
I don't fear no feckin' police! To heck with those eejits! I suavely toss the gun onto father whatever's body and politely accuse him of the outbreak of hysteria. The bastard......”Feck off, you feckin’ eejit! Get away from me with that feckin’ thing!” shouts Father Purple to Father Teal as he turns to poke his head out the burning window again, inadvertently setting himself alight when he touches the burning curtains with his lovely hair. ”It wasn’t feckin’ me! It was that… it was that other feckin’ fecker!” he shouts, convincingly, to the megaphone wielder outside before rushing to the main entrance, kicking apart the doors, and waving the toy gun at the armed police massed before him with one hand and reaching the other into his cassock pocket for his priest badge.
”OH SHITE, HE’S GOT A BOMB!” goes up a megaphoned cry of alarm. ”FECKIN’ SHITE, TAKE HIM OUT!”
Father Purple collapses to the ground as a hail of bullets tears through his kneecaps, his hair still burning merrily and his arms held up to the Lord.
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Look around. Try to find any restraining agents or at least something to extinguish !!Father Beige!! with, fail in doing so. Thus ask for volunteers in the audience to get this eejit out of the church and into a river or a pub or something. Perhaps with cement boots....Meanwhile, in the village of Knockcloghrim, Father Red looks briefly about to find something with which to extinguish Father Beige, busily burning beneath him. Finding nothing, he gives him a bit of a poke in the ribs with his feet and wonders what to do. Wasn’t he meant to be getting on with some kind of… priesting… or… talk of some kind… or something? He sits down to ponder.
Then continue with the Liturgy of the Eucharist.
“Will no one volunteer to help get this feckin’ eejit out of my church or something?” he finally decides. ”No? Oh, right then.”
Quote from: Father Beige/#bay12rtd
Exorcise nearest person with pelvic thrusts...Just then one of the parishioners does in fact rush forwards to help the drunken burning Father Beige, who understandably leaps to his feet to exorcise the fecker with his pelvis, and promptly falls over, knocking the poor chap to the ground and setting him on fire in his turn!
Father Beige drools a little on his victim, who tries to squirm out from under the drink-sodden priest without success.
Father Red has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Pink
...Filled with the burning light of the Lord rapidly rising towards his pants, Father Pink forgets the correct Liturgy he’s meant to perform, drops, rolls, entangles himself in the floor-to-ceiling curtains on the one side of the church, and finds himself in the middle of a towering inferno of blazing holy curtain!
Filled by the burning light of the Lord, Father Pink speaks the Rites while stopping, dropping, and rolling to emphasize the points!
Murmurs of discontent at the unorthodoxy of the Mass begin to spread around the church of Cloonsherevagh.
Quote from: Father Green
In the most jolly and Irish way possible, freak out and say that the only thing that would make this worst is that the holy water turned into blood! And when people do notice it has turned into 'blood', scream the end of the world and such, all the while being the happiest Irish priest in the world....The murmurs of discontent turn into veritable screams when Father Green leaps to his feet, freaking the feck out!
“Holy Mary and all that! The only possible feckin’ way this Mass could get any worse is if the holy water turned into blood! Quick, check the holy water!”
A pair of the nearest villagers run over to the font, peer in, and promptly faint, one of them smashing his face open on the stone floor as he falls. Blood begins to pool out across the cold grey surface, and several screaming members of the congregation slip over on it as they flee the spreading flames.
“JESUS CHRIST! THE HOLY FECKING WATER’S TURNED INTO THE BLOOD OF THE FECKIN’ DEVIL!” scream the villagers. “HOLY FECKIN’ FECK!”
“Oh shite!” wails Father Green, happily. “The first sign of the end of the feckin’ world! We’re all going to heaven! Hooray!”
He joins the flock of villagers stampeding towards the main doors of the church, only to find, along with the rest of the congregation, that they seem to be locked!
The screams of panic are only broken by the roar of the approaching flames and the dying groans of half a dozen trampled stampede victims.
!!Father Pink!! has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
Aha! Now that Father Grey has Veridian under control, graciously thank him for being prepared, pluck them from his hands and perform the Liturgy of the Word, ensuring Grey keeps Veridian out of trouble....”Father Grey! Father Grey! Oh what the feckin’ feck! Get the feck off me you feckin’ eejit! We’re not in the feckin’ rectory! We can’t feckin’ playwrestle here! It’s not seemly! Ow! Oh shite, not with the feckin’ pew!”
As Father Cyan crawls brokenly away from the playful Father Grey, he looks up as the church doors creak open.
“Oh Jesus feckin’… Bishop feckin’ Lennan… oh shite…”
Quote from: Father Veridian
Recall my memory on a good verse to read on....With Bishop Lennan staring unbelieving at Father Cyan lying prostrate on the ground before him, Father Veridian sees the opportunity to seize the initiative!
Preach as if I'm addressing the people themselves, other than reading it on a paper. Be the storyteller like a bard of yore - minus the annoying music, my voice is music!
And seize it he does!
Recalling a particularly apposite verse, he stands up in the centre of the congregation, taking over from where Father Cyan left off, droning away in his horrifying voice.
“Benedictus es, Dòmine, Deus univèrsi, quia de tua largitàte…”
When the parishioner nearest to him falls unconscious to the ground from sheer tedium, Bishop Lennan feels the need to intervene. Kicking Father Cyan right in the feckin’ bollocks, he immediately follows this up by walking over to the stricken villager and kicking her right up the feckin’ arse and addressing her in feckin’ person.
“GET UP YOU FECKIN’ EEJIT! WHAT’S THE MATTER! YOU NEVER HEARD A PROPER FECKIN’ MASS BEFORE?!”
She struggles to her feet, whereupon Bishop Lennan punches her back to the floor.
“BUNCH OF FECKIN’ EEJITS! GET ON WITH YOUR FECKIN’ MASS, FATHER FECKIN’ CYAN, BEFORE I COME BACK AND KICK YOU RIGHT IN THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS AGAIN! AND YOU, YOU FECKIN’ GOBSHITE, FATHER “VERIDIAN”. WHAT KIND OF FECKIN’ NAME IS THAT ANYWAY? KEEP UP THE GOOD FECKIN’ WORK!”
Father Veridian has received a +1 Bishop’s Blessing Bonus for next turn!
Father Cyan has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Father Cyan has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Silver
With the power of GOD I awaken. And then jump away from the other priest....Awakening with the power of God, Father Silver scrambles to his feet and jumps away from Father Brown.
Get angry for no reason and yell random gibberish while trashing the place in the name of the High Holy Himself.
"As you should well know, AS THE GOOD BOOK says… wait… that's a Jewish term. Arsebiscuits. Well. That’s not."
Father Silver dashes to the nearest pew and bends to pick it up, aiming to swing it about his head and trash the church and its congregation in the name of the Holy Father. He stops to point at Father Brown as bits of dog drip from his hair.
"Heaven help this helpless heathen to the most horrifying hell with his horrid hound!" he harrumphs in a harassed and harrowing voice. ”I’ll fecking fight you and your whole feckin’ family, Father fecking McFecker! Keep the feck away from me you feckless fool!" he screams as he lifts the pew.
"Oh feck."
There’s a horrible sound as Father Silver slips a disc in his back and stands there, motionless and unlikely to motion in the very near future. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Father Brown and an angry
Quote from: Father Brown
Father Brown drags the other 'priest' inside and tells his congregation what's what.... ”You... you...” Father Brown manages, tears streaming down his face. ”YOU FECKIN' WANKER BASTARD GOBSHITE! I'LL... I'LL...”
Whatever happens next, he launches into a tirade of tirades against animal cruelty
Grabbing Father Silver by the collar, Father Brown and his wrathful dog-loving congregation begin dragging him towards the altar
Father Brown drags Father Silver wailing and screaming by the feet with what might, were one to take an unkind view of proceedings, be deemed unnecessary force – and no small quantity of arse-kicking. He ties the half-paralysed priest to his altar and launches into a spirited rendition of the Introductory Rites.
”THIS MONSTER,' spits Father Brown, kicking the man for emphasis, 'NAY, THIS FECKIN’ DEMON FROM THE DEEPEST FECKIN’ PITS OF HELL! THIS SPAWN OF LUCIFER HIMSELF! In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti and all the rest of it, I SENTENCE THIS SOULLESS ABOMINATION TO SUFFER ETERNALLY IN THE FIRES OF SHITIN’ HELL, FECKIN’ AMEN!”
At this point, the remaining seated villagers applaud and Father Brown pauses for breath, but if anyone believes he’s about to stop, they are surely and sorely mistaken!
”FOR DOES NOT THE HOLY BOOK AND OUR BLESSED SAVIOUR SAY 'TURN THE OTHER FECKIN’ CHEEK INSIDE OUT? AS GOOD CHRISTIANS, WE MUST FLAY THIS GOBSHITE ALIVE! REPEATEDLY!”
As Father Brown checks the knots tying Father Silver to the altar he reaches a triumphant climax.
“Oratio Universalis Seu Oratio Feckin’ Fidelium!”
Father Brown has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange follows up his vehement urgings for a pub-related exodus with an impromptu sermon on Alcohol and the Merits Thereof, with particular focus given to how super important it is. Like, mention that whole water to wine bit? I'm pretty feckin' sure the Bible's full of that kind of thing. Lead by example by partaking of the communion wine. All of it....”Now, my children,” announces Father Orange to the half full church. “While Father feckin’ Blue here rolls about on the floor like some kind of feckin’ eejit, I want to extol to you the virtues of certain things. I want to talk about Alcohol and the Merits Thereof. IT’S SUPER FECKIN’ IMPORTANT, D’YE HEAR? Why else would our Saviour want to turn water into wine? The Bible’s full of that kind of feckin’ thing. Yea, for listen, Zebedee spake unto the Lord, and the Lord said, Yea, alcohol is totally super important, and Zebedee did prostrate himself, I think. Wait – the best thing would be for me to demonstrate. A good priest should always be a shining example.”
Father Orange, whilst he talks, walks over to the communion wine beside the altar and downs it in one before promptly retching it all back up, covering various holy artefacts in his rancid gutspume.
Almost immediately a bolt of electricity seems to blast through the church, smacking into Father Orange’s crotch and sending him flying to the floor!
Suddenly the congregation seem slightly less convinced by his hearty praise for alcohol and the merits thereof.
Quote from: Father Blue
Signal to the organist to play something entertaining, then lock crazy fellow in a back room, I don't know, a reliquary closet or something....Father Blue, finally, gets to his feet, steps over Father Orange’s smoking crotch and, indeed, the rest of his twitching but still perfectly alive body, gets up to his altar, and applies the altar to his bruised feckin’ face.
Then apply bag of frozen peas to bruised face.
Then return to give the best feckin' liturgies or what-not that my flock have ever bloody well seen!
...Have the organist go round up the escapees meanwhile, too.
“Oh feck! Ouch!” he exclaims. “I need to get this feckin’ eejit out the feckin’ way! And you! Organist! You need to go and get the rest of my feckin’ flock! Feck! Liturgies! Bollocks! What’s the feckin’ feck’s a feckin’ liturgy? Feck!”
Having totally forgotten the words in the confusion, Father Blue leans down to take Father Orange by the hand and drag him over to a nearby reliquary cupboard, but he seems to be caught on the corner of a step or something and won’t budge. Father Blue sits down on the top step next to the altar and sighs, sadly surveying the remnants of his congregation.
Father Blue has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist! But it still doesn't seem many of you will need to know that!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist! But it still doesn't seem many of you will need to know that!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on August 09, 2012, 08:35:16 am
Post by: Errol on August 09, 2012, 09:51:04 am
Post by: Tiruin on August 09, 2012, 09:54:01 am
That's the third one in a row he rolled. I am starting to feel sorry for the poor man. Oh, BTW, which network is this #bay12rtd? That sounds relevant to my interests.Head here (http://webchat.freenode.net/). Type down nickname and 'bay12rtd' in the channel. Fix that bot-tracker by typing the words stated.
Then join in.
Post by: Errol on August 12, 2012, 04:39:12 am
Post by: lawastooshort on August 12, 2012, 09:09:21 am
UPDATE THIS SHITE POSTHASTE YE FECKING EEJIT FECKER
You'd get a +1 RP bonus for that if it wouldn't break anonymity. Should get an update done in 8 hours, I hope, if not then tomorrow.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 12, 2012, 04:25:29 pm
Also, I'm definitely nominating this for the hall of fame once it's eligible.
Post by: lawastooshort on August 12, 2012, 05:08:59 pm
Episode One, Turn Four: The Power of the Word.
(http://www.ironmill.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/angry-mob.jpeg)
(http://www.ironmill.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/angry-mob.jpeg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
With Father Purple rather indisposed at the moment I will complete the Introductory Rites....”Amen,” punctuates Father Teal as the hail of bullets outside the church ceases. ”Let us... er... oh yes. Oh right then. Pray. Right. Verbum Domini... et ascendit in caelum... probably...”
Quote from: Father Purple
This is not going well for either of us. I convince the police once more that I am innocent and run away into the feckin' baptismal feckin' tub! Feckin' fire, man. Oh, and maybe I could get someone to help patch up my knees and fight off the crazed feckin' teal bastard!...”Shite. My knees, yer bunch of feckin' gobshites!” complains Father Purple convincingly enough to the firing squad before him. ”My feckin' knees!”
Without waiting for a reply, Father Purple sprints as well as a priest with no knees can back into the church, desecrating the baptismal tub with his burning head just as Father Teal reaches the end of his Rite.
Father Teal has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
See that Father Beige is beyond salvation, thus, recite Liturgy of the Eucharist punctuated by kicking him into submission. Call the hospital after I'm done....The drooling Father Beige is clearly entirely beyond salvation, so after giving him a few hard kicks right up the feckin’ arse Father Red proceeds to recite the Liturgy of the Eucharist...
Quote from: Father Beige
Tackle that feckin' fecker Red with my !!burningness!! then proceed to set as much stuff on fire as possible....Whereupon Father Beige manages to get to his feet, drool down the front of his cassock, wobble over to Father Red, and collapse drunkenly against his chest in a friendly embrace. Father Red gently but insistently pushes him away, but not before he catches fire himself!
As Father Red starts flapping his hands uselessly at his burning man-bosom, Father Beige rolls down the steps beside the altar, reaching the stone floor of the church with a relaxed bump.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
Gather the laity and tell them to gather some pews and smash the windows open. Tell em' to get out through the windows.
...”Sons! Daughters!” starts Father Green as the congregation crush him heavily against the church doors. “Children of the Lord! This fire is a sign sent by God that I displease him! Gather up the pews sent by Him to provide Holy Respite for your backsides, and smash me open!” he continues. “Oh! Oof! Shite! Feck! Uff!”
Quote from: Father Pink
Father Pink fuses together the fire, the end of the world, and the Liturgy of the Word into a brilliant rousing speech that wins over the hearts of the massists!
...Meanwhile, Father Pink, determined to outdo Father Green, resolves to ignore the pain of self-immolation and the panic of the end’s being nigh, and steps up to the altar with the force of mind and will of a man on a mission. A man of the cloth on a mission, no less. A man of the burning cloth on a feckin' mission, even more!
“For yea! Verbum Dòmini, Burningium! And… er… yea!”
The sheer force of his majestic voice captivates the hearts and minds of those of Father Pink’s congregation who were until then violently pulping Father Green with the church furniture, and only a handful of the rearmost churchgoers notice when this latter priest throws himself screaming through the ornate stained window nearest the exit.
“Lèctio sancti Evangèlii, and er… fiorentina… napoletana… The End!”
The panic is calmed, the Liturgy delivered, the stampede’s dead and wounded already forgotten as his congregation stands once more open mouthed and entranced before the altar. Such is the power of the Word of God, reflects Father Pink, silently and humbly. And rather warmly.
!!Father Pink!! has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
Getting up and trying not to show the pain in his feckin' balls, Father Cyan once again digs for the words to the Liturgy and resumes mass, trying to regain the congregations attention from Father Veridian. With song and dance if necessary.
...”Feck!” announces Father Cyan, trying desperately not to show his testicularly vulnerable state. “Me feckin’ ba- I mean, praise be! The Lord! He giveth, and he taketh away! I just wish He’d feckin’ well take this feckin’ pain in me feckin’ balls away! Oh, shite. Ouch."
After hobbling to his rightful place behind the altar, Father Cyan collapses to the floor in pain, one hand clasping his notes for the Liturgy, the other held firmly to his crotch. Just as he is about to speak up, Father Veridian interrupts.
Quote from: Father Veridian
Begindroningsinging in my own unique way, teach Father Cyan, and everyone else the music of my talent!
..."Aaaaaaaaahhhh, dear Father Cyan. Let ussss siiiiiiinnngggggggggg,” suggests Father Veridian.
"I will lead.”
There's a loud thud as two villagers on the front row collapse to the floor, snoring.
"Aaa-aah-mennnn...” starts Father Veridian.
Father Cyan's eyes glaze over before Father Veridian even really gets going.
“Every night in my dreams...”
The last thing Father Cyan sees, from the floor behind his altar, before passing out temporarily from the pain, is the remainder of the front row of his congregation falling mercifully unconscious to the ground.
“I see you, I feel you...
That is how I know you go o-”
That is how I know you go o-”
Silence suddenly fills the church of Ardglass as Father Veridian slumps down by the altar, happily asleep with a thin trickle of drool running down his chin. Several hardy locals take the unexpected chance to flee with unabandoned joy and relief, stripping off their clothes and flinging their money into the air as they sprint out the main exit.
Father Cyan has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
Father Cyan has a +1 Notes bonus for next turn!
Father Cyan has a +1 Notes bonus for next turn!
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Silver
use the holy scriptures to convince the congregation that human sacrifice is satanic. oh! and dodge/take that knife.
...”So... er... ooof!”
Father Silver tries to explain himself, only for a member of the congregation to kick him right up the arse!
“How about... er... ooofff!”
Father Silver tries to request that a passing villager untie him from the altar, only for a member of the congregation to kick him right in the teeth!
“Gnnnf... feck... arthbiscuith... yer... gnah!”
Father Silver tries to persuade himself that that totally isn't a sacrificial knife, only for a member of the congregation to approach him with the aforementioned totally actually a sacrificial knife raised high above his head. Scrambling desperately to untie himself from Father Brown's altar, he manages to roll partially out of the way at the very last moment, and only gets stabbed right through the shoulder!
Rising to his feet, the skewered priest attempts to flee down the central aisle of the church, trailing blood and closet satanists as he goes!
Quote from: Father Brown
Let the congregation take turns kicking Father Silver in the arse (and participate most vigorously!) while reciting the Liturgy of the Word
... ”What the feck, you feckin' eejits! You can't feckin' do that here! It's the house of God!” shouts Father Brown. “You can't use knives! You have to use kicks to the feckin' arse!” he clarifies, rushing down the aisle after Father Silver before delivering a flying kick to the arse, sending him sprawling.
“Verbum Dòmini!” he starts, giving Father Silver a quick kick up the feckin' arse just to make sure.
“Deo gratias!” he adds, nervously eying his approaching congregation.
“Laus tibi, Christe... oh feckin' shite...” he finishes, as his bloodthirsty flock descend upon him and his rival in a flurry of satanic arse kicking. He starts a desperate crawl towards his church's main doors, a hail of kicks following his arse as he goes.
Father Brown has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
Start a dance party! Don't slip in the vomit, mind.
..."So, erm... Feck," deduces Father Blue.
"Oh, arsebiscuits, I'm sorry Father Blue. I didn't mean to get you down like that. Hey, listen, I know Bishop Lennan said dancing was behaviour unbecoming of a priest or some such bollocks, but what do you say we raise our voices in praise to the Lord our Father Amen and have a nice jig, eh? Come on then, everybody now! Give us a song, organist!"
Father Orange's stirring speech works miracles in the village of Mullaghbrack! The entire congregation rises to its feet! The organist rises to his prog-rock stance! Father Orange takes the mic and begins to wail!
“Here we are! Born to be kings!
We're the princes of the universe!
Here we belong, fight-argghr!”
We're the princes of the universe!
Here we belong, fight-argghr!”
Quote from: Father Blue
Drag Father Orange behind lectern, use him as a platform to increase height, and thus make my Liturgy of the Word more effective!
...”Bollocks to that, you feckin' fecker,” interjects Father Blue. “Here I feckin' belong, and you can feck the feck right feckin' off, yer whiny feckin' gobshite! I've got a feckin' Sunday Mass to perform!”
As Father Orange falls to the floor, struck down by his rival priest's unstoppable uppercut, Father Blue leans down to pick him up, rips the microphone from his hand, props him semi-conscious against the lectern, and climbs onto his head.
Jumping up and down with excitement, he begins, perched nearly six foot above his lectern.
“Verbum Dòmini!”
Father Blue's voice booms forth with religious ferocity!
“Deo gratias!”
Father Blue's words stream out like a tsunami of righteous ferver!
“Dominus vobiscum!”
Father Blue's shockwaves blast out like an avalanche of really feckin' loud hydrogen bombs!
“ET CUM SPIRITU TUO!”
The far wall of Father Blue's church topples to the ground under the shock of his preternaturally violent mouthweapon! Ancient bricks and ancient brick dust tumble down and mushroom cloud right back up, shards of stone and brick flying out in a perfect circle, those shards that fly into the church slaying the rear two rows of villagers in the flash of an eye!
“Glòria tibi, Domine... oh, feckin' shite!” concludes Father Blue, fairly accurately, as the dust and smoke subsides. “Oh bollocks. Not again.”
Father Blue has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 12, 2012, 06:48:36 pm
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 12, 2012, 11:58:05 pm
Sorry, and see yas!
Post by: lawastooshort on August 13, 2012, 03:18:07 am
Uhh... Thank's for showing us who father silver is?
Sorry about that. I'm an idiot and rushed the turn.
I'm very sorry for this, but I'm now on holiday for 10 days. I'll shout out turns when I get the chance, but feel free to auto me of not.
Sorry, and see yas!
Thanks for letting me know. I will possibly open up your turns to the suggestions of any readers or people on #bay12rtd. Apologies in advance ;)
One hour left...
Also, I'm definitely nominating this for the hall of fame once it's eligible.
I actually managed it 22 seconds early. How about that. And thank you. I feel it went slightly too far last turn as a result of less than ideal writing conditions.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 13, 2012, 02:50:44 pm
Post by: Yoink on August 13, 2012, 10:10:18 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on August 14, 2012, 04:08:42 am
Episode One, Turn Five: The Hammer.
(http://0.tqn.com/d/trackandfield/1/0/k/-/-/-/johnflanagan.jpg)
(http://0.tqn.com/d/trackandfield/1/0/k/-/-/-/johnflanagan.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
Perform the Litugory of the Word....Calm descends upon the village church of Termonfeckin as Father Teal braces himself for a fine Liturgy of the Word, choosing wisely to ignore Father Purple’s bleeding lower body sticking out of his baptismal font. He begins the now familiar words.
“Verbum Domini…”
Quote from: Father Purple
Well, considering the church is still on fire, I'll just tackle feckin' father feckin' shite or whatever the the feckin' ground for now. If he has notes, rip them up. Rip his clothes off while I'm at it, the bastard....Suddenly Father Purple hauls himself out of the soiled baptismal font, runs up the steps to the altar, tackles the startled priest to the ground, and starts tearing his clothes off. Father Teal’s down to his special Sunday Speedos before he can even react.
The congregation’s reactions to this development are mixed.
Father Teal has completed the Introductory Rites! (1/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Deliver Liturgy of the Eucharist, do not stop for anything until done with it. But as soon as I am done with it, make a run for the nearest source of water to extinguish self....Seeing Father Beige safely out of the way at the bottom of the steps, Father Red gets right on with delivering the Liturgy of the Eucharist – one of his favourite liturgies!
Quote from: Father Beige
Smite Father Red with a holy fist of feckin' punching +1. In the groin. Then curb stomp him....But just then Father Red remembers his man-bosom is on fire, and flees the altar towards the nearest source of water, whereupon Father Beige leaps up after him, kicks him right up the arse, catches him by the shoulder, turns him round, and delivers his favourite liturgy: the Holy Liturgy of the Punch Right in the Feckin’ Groin! Wincing with holy pain, Father Red staggers around several feet before falling over backwards into a nearby open barrel of petrol.
When the smoke clears he can still see his man-bosom on fire, but he can’t see Father Beige’s eyebrows. Or the far left corner of his church.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
Remind the congregation that the church is still on feckin’ fire! Oh, and call the local firefighters and ambulance...to care for poor ol' Father Pink. He deserve a niccccceeee loooonnng rest at the hospital right now....“Feck! Arse! Girls! Drink!” shouts Father Green desperately, outside the church of Cloonsherevagh from which he has just hurled himself. He hammers on the doors as the smoke from Father Pink’s burning clothes and church drifts out the smashed window.
“Let me in! No! I mean open the doors! I mean… Oh, feck it…”
Father Green decides to wander off to find a phone box when suddenly an empty fire extinguisher flies through the window he just left by, knocking him to his knees.
Quote from: Father Pink
Grab a fire extinguisher and extinguish myself, then perform the Liturgy of the Eucharist while condemning the gobshite Father Green by beaning him with the empty extinguisher....Inside the church of Cloonsherevagh, meanwhile, Father Pink finally realises that he is, in fact, burning all over and by now mostly naked. He grabs the nearest fire extinguisher and puts himself out before launching the empty canister through a conveniently already broken window. He could swear he hears a strange metallic boink followed by a stream of priestly invective, but decides he’s just imagining it. He’s been through a lot this morning, after all.
He suddenly remembers that that gobshite Father Green is somewhere about, no doubt causing further riot and scandal, and launches, sadly hindered by a mouthful of foam, into his own stream of priestly self-expression.
“Feck! Arse! Gobshite! Feckin’ Father feckin’ Green! You bastard! Oh wait, time for the Eucharist!”
He comes to his senses and makes his way to his altar, mustering all the dignity a priest in a burning church with a pile of trampled dead can, and consults his notes.
He looks down proudly and paternally over his flock and clears his throat.
Father Pink has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Father Pink has a +1 notes bonus for the next turn!
Father Pink has a +1 notes bonus for the next turn!
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
FATHER CYAN SHALL GRASP THE MOMENT OF VERIDIAN’S COLLAPSE AND KICK THE FECKIN LITURGIES ARSE...Back in the village of Ardglass, Father Cyan is the first to wake from Father Veridian’s deadly recital. Finding his notes ready in his hand, he jumps to his feet and blasts his congregation awake with possibly the best Liturgy of the Word he’s ever delivered. He beams with delight as a polite ripple of applause spreads through his church.
Quote from: Father Veridian
Awaken with inspiration and fervor....Busily applauding, no one even seems to notice as Father Veridian walks down the central aisle accompanying Father Grey, talking in hushed drones about what seems to be some kind of ecumenical matter. The oblivious Father Veridian continues walking as his companion slops over snoring onto the floor, and Father Cyan spies him through the open entrance as he concludes the Liturgy of the Word. Father Veridian appears to be explaining the relative merits of combi boilers versus heat-only boilers to an unfortunate tree in the churchyard. The tree visibly wilts.
Preach to the masses and order everyone outside to enjoy the natural scenery! Father Grey will be my aide.
Father Cyan has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Silver/#bay12rtd
Perhaps he could pick up his fellow priest by the ankles and wield the poor fellow as a weapon to fend off the hordes?...Seeing the enraged mob descend upon him and his fellow priest spurs Father Silver into crippled back-defying action. He sees only one reasonable path to take: he struggles to his feet, grabs hold of Father Brown’s ankles, and lifts him into the air, swinging him about his head and keeping the baying mob at the safe distance of one vertical priest.
Quote from: Father Brown
Father Brown tries to escape the bloodcrazed mob and find a high-up safe spot he can perform the Liturgy of the Eucharist from...It takes a second for Father Brown to realise what’s happened: one second he’s crawling on the floor with several dozen angry villagers kicking him right up the feckin’ arse, the next he’s spinning through the air like some kind of medieval priest-weapon, smacking congregation members from side to side like some… kind… of… medieval priest-weapon victims?
But then suddenly the main doors open, and as Father Silver turns, horrified at the shocking possibility of a terrifying pincer movement of angry churchgoers, Bishop Lennan walks in instead.
Father Silver’s jaw drops.
Father Brown’s jaw would also drop, if Father Silver hadn’t, in his fright, let go of his ankles mid-spin to send the poor priest flying straight up into the air, hurriedly gibbering the Liturgy of the Eucharist as he goes.
As Bishop Lennan stands flabbergasted in the doorway, his eyes follow the gracefully flung Father Brown preach through the air until, with a mild crunch, he comes to a sudden halt against the wall some twenty feet above the bishop.
He begins to slide in slow motion down the wall towards this superior. As times seems to slow down, Father Brown has a second to reflect that his arse, if not his bollocks, or even and probably both, are about to get quite a kicking.
He has just the time to survey the scene in his once, if not proud, at least reasonably tidy and peaceful church – the angry bishop in the doorway below, his dog-murdering priestly nemesis in the centre aisle, the bloodcrazed mob held at bay by the bishop’s wrath – before completing his downward slide and smashing down awkwardly onto Bishop Lennan’s fancy bishop hat, crushing it entirely. He finishes on the floor before the visibly irritated man.
“WHAT THE FECKIN’ FECK, YOU… YOU… YOU PAIR OF FECKIN’ EEJITS... MY FECKIN’ HAT YOU FECKIN’ GOBSHITES!”
Father Brown has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Father Brown has a -1 Bishop’s wrath penalty next turn!
Father Silver has a -1 Bishop’s wrath penalty next turn!
Father Brown has a -1 Bishop’s wrath penalty next turn!
Father Silver has a -1 Bishop’s wrath penalty next turn!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
Oh no! Enlist the aid of the villagers in assisting the wounded!...”Oh no!” cries Father Orange, somewhat groggily and with Father Blue still standing on his head. “The poor wounded villagers!”
Without a second’s thought he sprints towards the far end of the church where an enormous pile of rubble and dust covers an only slightly smaller pile of trapped and mangled churchgoers. He doesn’t even look back as Father Blue falls to the floor behind him, pausing only as he runs to gather members of the congregation to aid him in assisting the wounded.
As the makeshift rescue crew remove the bricks and stone from the pile of horribly injured locals, what is revealed is hideously and deeply troubling to the mind and spirit! Exposed livers! Arms! Faces!
Despite the years of elite priesting – and occasional drinking – hardening his stomach, the now entirely sober Father Orange feels the bile rise to the back of his throat! He feels the stomach acid reach the tip of his tongue! He feels the… no wait, he sees the burst of acrid gut-rain spew down upon his little local helpers, who, one by one, are in turn taken by the stomach churning repulsion-juice and collapse helplessly to their knees, expulsing their pre-Mass breakfasts with incredible speeds!
Striving on nevertheless, Father Orange is tugging at the limb of a trapped member of the congregation when suddenly everything goes dark.
"Get in there, ye feckin' gobshite!"
Quote from: Father Blue
>Shove Father Orange into the reliquary closet, locking it to keep him from causing any more trouble....Getting back to his feet and watching with bewilderment as Father Orange and his own congregation try to rescue their fallen co-churchgoers, Father Blue decides to stop his rival causing any more carnage. He rushes to the pile of dead, wounded and stinking half-digested egg pieces and quickly and firmly rams a cardboard box down upon Father Orange’s head. He turns to his flock, feverishly beavering away to rescue their friends and loved ones, and clears his throat.
>Then dust off my robes, clear my throat and turn to my flock.
>Move right along into the Liturgy of the Eurachrist, glaring at anyone who would dare consider leaving the church!
"Oh... Erm... Shite,” he begins. “Sorry about that. And the, uh, wall. Ah well, I suppose it is my church. We’ll have a collection or something. Ahem, anyway! How about we do some Mass, eh?"
The nearest villager turns wordlessly towards him, fists clenched in repressed anger and face dripping in mostly digested tomatoes.
Father Blue has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
After Introductory Rites comes the Liturgy of the Word!
And after the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on August 14, 2012, 07:09:51 am
Special Priest Bonus Round Up!
I think I counted 206 instances of “feck” in the first four turns. Anyway – I thought a quick “back after the break” halftime round up would be appropriate, partly because I had to re-read it all just to remember what was going on in six different churches before writing Turn Five (which is above). Remember, Sunday Mass traditionally lasts Ten Turns!
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Father Teal has panicked his congregation! He has been stabbed through the thigh with a replica broadsword! He has no trousers! He is revealing his Sunday Speedos! He has a broadsword!
Father Purple has been wrongly identified as an armed robber! He has set himself on fire! The police believe he has a bomb! His knees have been shot off! He has desecrated a baptismal font! He is no longer burning! He has bled in a baptismal font! He has partially undressed a priest!
Church: Burning.
Congregation: Mostly dissatisfied.
Sunday Mass: 20% Complete!
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Father Beige has smashed his face open on the altar! He has set his hair on fire! He has set a villager on fire! A priest has kicked Father Beige up the arse! Father Beige is inebriated! He has drooled! He has set a priest on fire! He has punched a priest in the groin! His eyebrows have been burnt off!
Father Red has kicked a priest! He has kicked a priest! He is burning! A priest punched Father Red in the groin! Father Red has fallen in a barrel of petrol! He has exploded the corner of his church off!
Church: One corner destroyed.
Congregation: Superficial cuts and bruises. One burning.
Sunday Mass: 40% Complete!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning for the use of the word “arsehole”!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Father Green has desecrated the holy water! He has thrown himself out of a window! He has been smacked in the head by an empty fire extinguisher!
Father Pink has set his cassock on fire! He is mostly naked!
Church: On fire! One shattered window!
Congregation: Half a dozen crushed in a stampede! Superficial cuts and unconsciousness!
Sunday Mass: 40% Complete!
The Village of Ardglass...
Father Cyan has been kicked in the bollocks by a bishop! He has fallen asleep!
Father Veridian has had his face smashed open on the floor! He has rendered a congregation unconscious through his tedious voice! He has rendered himself unconscious through his tedious voice! He has drooled! He has held a conversation with a tree!
Church: Intact.
Congregation: Several have fled naked and penniless! One has been kicked in the arse and punched in the mouth by a bishop!
Sunday Mass: 40% Complete!
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Father Silver has wrestled a dog! His groin has been savaged by a dog! He has slain a dog! He is covered in dog! He has damaged his back! He has been kicked in the arse by a priest! He has been kicked in the arse by members of the congregation! He has been kicked in the teeth! He has been stabbed in the shoulder with a sacrificial knife! He has attacked the congregation with a priest!
Father Brown’s dog has been struck down! His congregation have been urinated upon by his dog! He has kicked a priest in the arse! He has kicked a priest right up the feckin’ arse! He has been kicked in the arse by his own congregation! He has been flung into a wall! He has crushed a bishop’s hat!
Church: Intact.
Congregation: Bloodthirsty.
Sunday Mass: 40% Complete!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Father Orange has joyfully danced! He has been kicked in the arse by Bishop Lennan! He has drunk the congregation wine! He has vomited! He has desecrated the holy water! He has been struck by lightning in the groin! He has vomited! He has a box on his head!
Father Blue has smacked his own face off the altar! He has smashed his face on a pew! He has placed a box on a priest’s head!
Church: One wall has been demolished!
Congregation: Several rows have left! Two rows have been slain! The survivors have vomited! Discontent!
Sunday Mass: 40% Complete!
This list may or may not be complete. If I have missed something I would be happy to add it.
If the task is a complete victory for the disruptors then I may consider taking the top three mass-givers and… then… see. I need three teams for the next Episode, so it could work with teams of three or of two, although six players was the original plan. I just didn’t think giving Mass was so difficult.
Post by: Toaster on August 14, 2012, 08:46:22 am
Post by: Taricus on August 14, 2012, 01:39:07 pm
Post by: Geen on August 14, 2012, 07:35:42 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on August 15, 2012, 05:13:18 am
Episode One, Turn Six: Grand Theft Auto
(http://risingsunofnihon.com/wp-content/uploads/older/ambulance_crash.jpg)
(http://risingsunofnihon.com/wp-content/uploads/older/ambulance_crash.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
Continue performing the Litugory of the Word, whilst subtly insulting Father Purple within the context of the Litugory....In the calm country church of Termonfeckin, Father Teal is performing Sunday Mass. The Liturgy of the Word, to be exact. Even as Father Purple, his hitherto unknown frenzied attacker, removes his last item of clothing, the now naked Father Teal feels it is going well. As his Saviour suggests, he turns, quite literally, the other cheek as his apparently armed molester lifts him above his head, carrying him towards the baptismal pool.
“Confiteor unum baptisma…” he concludes.
There is an over-dramatically loud splash.
Quote from: Father Purple
I shall now toss the naked bastard into the feckin' baptismal pool! If the Bishop shows up, be prepared to sit down in the pews again. Until that happens, light the Speedo on fire....Suddenly Father Purple leaps into the baptismal pool after his victim, grabbing a firm hold of Father Teal’s Special Sunday Speedos with his teeth and ripping them from his dripping body! Clambering out of the pool, he stands feet apart on the side, spreading his arms out and roaring a predatory roar of success!
“Rawrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
Jumping off the lip of the pool he takes the Speedo out of his teeth and rushes at the congregation, foaming at the mouth and waving the sodden swimwear at the terrified villagers. They back away desperately from the rabid madman, who suddenly flings the Speedo to the floor, whips out a hip flask of brandy, pours the contents over the trunks, and lights them on fire!
The terrible mix of melting polyester and fine brandy spreads immediately over Father Purple’s feet as he dances on his war trophy. He gibbers and grins and points at the nascent footwear inferno before removing all the items of his clothing not currently burning and flinging them to the floor.
Naked and with flaming feet, he climbs and runs and leaps over the deserted pews like an inflammable deranged gibbon. Suddenly he realises his lack of knees and collapses in a smouldering naked heap on the floor.
The congregation cowers in the corners of the church, many eying the bullet-ridden main entrance.
Father Teal has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Rush Father Beige with holy rage, transform that holy rage into a beating the likes o' which he has never seen. Possibly include at least one priestly suplex and end with a saintly submission hold....
Quote from: Father Beige
Begin preaching about the joy of drinking alcohol, then pour some of the communion wine on the burning Father Red. If he attempts to do any ceremonies, smash the bottle of communion wine and stab him in the face....Meanwhile, in Knockcloghrim, the burning Father Red is infuriated by the recent Liturgy delivered to his groin. And possibly the partial destruction of his church.
"That... that... that arsebiscuit!” he shouts. “Pile o' feckin' gobshite eejit fecker arsebiscuit fecking wanker! That settles it!" he concludes, demonstrating the fine command of the English language that had been so vital to his success in Priest School.
“Feck! Arse! Drink! Gobshite!” replies Father Beige, verbally matching his rival blow for blow.
Father Beige is about to extol the glorious virtues of excessive drinking to an eager congregation when Father Red suddenly launches himself upon his eyebrowless groin-molester with immeasurable fury, wrestling him to the floor and elbowing him violently in the armpit.
Father Beige’s hand scrabbles about blindly for the nearby bottle of communion wine, finally finding it and emptying it over Father Red as best as he can from his compromised position underneath his fellow burning priest. He smashes the empty bottle on the floor and tries to roll Father Red over so he can stab him in the face with the shattered remains, but just then Father Red manages to struggle to his feet and get him in a Priestly Suplex. He smacks Father Beige’s head on the cold stone floor and ends with a flashy Saintly Submission Hold. Father Beige’s blood drips down to the ground.
Realising it is an avant garde performance of one of the lesser parables, the congregation politely applaud.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
Feckin' bollocks! Pick self up and call the feckin' ambulance to take my brother of the feckin' cloth to the feckin' hospital for a feckin' nap!...”Feck!” summarises the stunned Father Green outside the church of Cloonsherevagh, getting to his feet and nearly collapsing right back down. He stumbles away and quickly finds a nearby telephone cabin and dials for an ambulance.
Quote from: Father Pink
With the fire out and the interloper successfully brained, deliver that Liturgy of the Eucharist!...Back inside the church, Father Pink stands naked and proud beside his altar and before his congregation, his notes faithfully maintaining his dignity as he prepares to speak.
Referring repeatedly to his notes as he delivers the Liturgy of the Eucharist, he can’t quite figure out why his congregation is staring at him in open-mouthed astonishment and, an observant mind would remark, unconcealed repulsion.
Just as his Liturgy reaches a triumphant climax, an ambulance with a stunningly lifelike and life-sized priest figurine hood adornment smashes through the right side of the church, blasting a large hole in the bricks and dumping what, in fact, turns out to be Father Green to the floor.
The ambulance siren abruptly stops and a final brick falls from the top of the hole in the wall.
It smashes Father Green’s teeth to smithereens.
Father Pink has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
Father Pink has a -1 Full Frontal Nudity penalty to next turn!
Father Pink has a -1 Full Frontal Nudity penalty to next turn!
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
And now feckin’ deliver the feckin’ Liturgy of the Eucharist!...A slightly calmer atmosphere has settled around the church of Ardglass, where a tree in the churchyard is trying desperately to evolve legs in order to escape the horrifying tedium of Father Veridian’s discourse on the benefits of peeling versus heavily scrubbing carrots and other similar root vegetables when preparing a good winter broth – did you know that both celery and parsley are related? And they’re not even orange! Who would’ve thought it! But, you know, chalk – well, I prefer the ten millimetre diameter sticks myself, but I met a priest once and he well, let me tell you…
Inside, Father Cyan’s Liturgy of the Eucharist positively resembles an action thriller in comparison.
Quote from: Father Veridian
Father Viridian...But Father Veridian misses all of Father Cyan’s exciting Liturgy! He’s busy pulling at one of the branches on the tree as he talks, until the wood suddenly whips back up and seems to smack him across the face.
Pry off that wilted tree branch, and enter the chapel and announce the glorious event that had just occurred! Thanksgiving by the wood in my hand!
Show Father Cyan what I mean.
A nasty looking gash opens up on Father Veridian’s forehead, the blood partially blinding him.
Father Cyan has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Silver
Tell the bishop about Browns plan of sacrificing me to Satan using that dastardly knife in his had, rather than giving mass as he should. And then convince him that Brown should be excommunicated for destroying his hat....”Feck! Satan! Human sacrifice! Feckety feck arse hat biscuits drink! Gobshite! Arse! Excomm- excomm- excomm… feck! Arse!” blathers out Father Silver, waving his arms about in front of Bishop Lennan before spying the remains of the bishop’s hat on the floor and stomping repeatedly on it. “Arse!”
Quote from: Father Brown
Father Brown attempts to shame the mob and then delivers the remainder of the Liturgy of the Eucharist...Father Brown spots his moment and takes it.
”Terribly sorry, Bishop, I'll wash and mend it, I’m sure you'll have it back as good as new. Why not take a seat and have some tea and biscuits in the meantime?”
“AS GOOD AS FECKIN’ NEW? YOU RIDICULOUS GOBSHITE, FATHER BASTARD SILVER’S JUST CRUSHED THE LIFE OUT OF THE POOR FECKER! OI! COME BACK TO ME WHEN I’M FECKING TALKING TO YOU, YOU INSOLENT SHITE!”
As Father Brown wanders off to scold his flock, Father Silver is left alone with the bishop.
What follows can only be described as a kick right up the feckin’ bollocks.
“GET YOUR BOLLOCKS OUT OF ME FACE, YER BIG ARSE!” cries Bishop Lennan. “IF I HAVE TO COME BACK HERE AND DISCIPLINE YOU A SECOND TIME, THERE’LL BE FECKIN’ BLOODSHED!”
He storms off as Father Brown starts admonishing his raging mob of a congregation.
”Now, now! Righteous wrath is one feckin' thing, but this is just ridiculous. Are we barbarians, good people? Are we Englishmen? You should be feckin' ashamed of yourself. Now sit down and feckin’ well hear the words of our feckin' Savior.”
The villagers sit down in a circle as Father Brown begins.
Father Brown has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange puts a conspiratorial arm around the enraged parishioner...."Yes, nameless villager,” begins the gentle Father Orange, putting a conspiratorial arm around the enraged parishioner standing before Father Blue. “I can feel your anger! Let your feckin' hatred flow through you! Strike him the feck down and take your feckin' place by my side!"
Father Blue wanders off mid-exhortation and returns with a nearby curtain sash as Father Orange finishes. The villager seems to think for the few seconds it takes for Father Blue to restrain Father Orange with the curtain sash before punching Father Blue to the floor.
Quote from: Father Blue
>Activate my Priestly multi-tasking ability!..."Right, ah, um, alright! Err, let's do this!" begins Father Blue, steadily enough. He’s just finished tying Father Orange’s arms to his side when the angry villager he’d just ignored punches him to the floor. He crawls away closer towards the ruined end of his church and attempts to heal the wounded with the power of his mind and faith but all that happens is that the angry villager gives him a stern kick up the arse.
>Perform Liturgy of the Eurachrist whilst simultaneously tying up the troublesome Father Orange with a decorative curtain sash, faith-healing the poor folk smooshed by the wall, and dialling the local ambulance service. (Y'know, just incase my faith healing powers aren't potent enough...
Burrowing away to hide his head in a pile of brick, Father Blue fetches his mobile priest phone out of his cassock pocket and dials for an ambulance.
“I’m sorry Father, but our ambulance is out on call at the moment. Perhaps you could call back later? Are you sure it’s really feckin’ urgent?”
Father Blue has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
And after that comes the longed for Communion Rite!
After the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
And after that comes the longed for Communion Rite!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Geen on August 15, 2012, 01:45:54 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on August 16, 2012, 08:38:09 am
Episode One, Turn Seven: Juth me teeth.
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZiM8GFhGDOM/TAU3UPRZNfI/AAAAAAAAA7M/A2lFJG1sf7E/s1600/NJ-Sparta-EMS-fire-3-788779.jpg)
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ZiM8GFhGDOM/TAU3UPRZNfI/AAAAAAAAA7M/A2lFJG1sf7E/s1600/NJ-Sparta-EMS-fire-3-788779.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal/#bay12rtd
Run over to purple, jump on him whilst he is down, and perform the Liturgy of the Eucharist. Oh, after I get out the font....Father Teal is naked. There’s only one solution: he climbs out the baptismal font, and is ready to jump out and tackle Father Purple to the ground when he slips, falls backwards, smashes his head on the stony edge, and collapses back into the water.
The blood swirls around in a dark pattern of crimson.
Quote from: Father Purple
Return to my normal stature as a completely sane man, and kick over the baptismal tub. Maybe I'll sit on Father Teal as well. Just make sure to duct tape his mouth shut....But just then Father Teal is released from his watery prison! Father Purple, his feet still covered in blazing Speedo remains, rushes over to the font and kicks it over! Priest and baptismal water alike flood over the church floor, and Father Teal barely has time to realise what’s going on when he suddenly finds Father Purple squatting over his head, duct taping his mouth shut!
With a few squeals and screams, half a dozen of the congregation throw open the main doors and flee the church.
Father Teal, on the other hand, is silent, save for a few muffled groans.
Father Teal has completed the Liturgy of the Word! (2/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Keep up the saintly submission hold and deliver a high-speed Liturgy of the Eucharist from it no matter the cost. Just get that fecking liturgy out (and keep Beige down if also accomplishable)...Keeping up his Saintly Submission hold on Father Beige, Father Red shouts out the Liturgy of the Eucharist as loud as he can to cover the sound of the struggling priest underneath him, and fast enough to get it finished before Father Beige rolls out from under him, although roll out he does.
Quote from: Father Beige
Grab a feckin' candle, lit of course, and shove it down that fecker Red's throat. Then smite him in the kidney with the broken bottle....Indeed, just as Father Beige escapes from Father Red’s pro-all-priest wrestling special move, he somersaults to his feet, grabbing a nearby candle. But he slips as he tries to assault his fellow priest with it, and thrusts it into his own eye!
Father Beige collapses in pain to the floor, falling on the broken communion wine bottle and impaling himself in the liver with a shard of glass!
At least the pain takes his mind of his burning hair and burnt-off eyebrows, he reflects.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
Assure the congregation I'm ok, and say that the ambulance is for Father Pink there, and point to him. Once I see that Pink is...not very clothed right then, reassure the people that Father Pink just needs a few injections *signals the ambulance driver to take him*. All in an accent that compromises on me lack of teeth. As always, treat all of this as a blessing from God....”Worry ye not, me joyful children, for I’m perfectly unharmed!” shouts Father Green as he jumpth to his feet. “Ith juth me teeth! I have come with an ambulanth for my brother Father Pink, who ith in dire need of injectionth! Oh, I thay, where the feck are your clotheth, Father Pink? Come, ambulanth driver, adminithter your healing handth! This man of God ith nude, and in dethperate need of help!”
But alath, there is no reply from the paramedic. He seems to have fled the scene!
Quote from: Father Pink
Valiantly ignoring the vehicular carnage and incidental nudity, Father Pink proceeds to the Communion!...Ignoring the raving and incomprehensible idiot who has just driven a hole into his church, naked Father Pink stands in the centre of the church, back to his gibbering rival, and continues his Mass, using the momentum from his last excellent Liturgy to burst right on into the beginnings of a successful and engaging Communion Rite.
Suddenly there is the sound of a starting engine, and Father Pink stops his Rite and turns just in time to see Father Green’s new ambulance bearing down on him at top speed!
Father Green knocks down the village priest, crushing him nakedly beneath the ambulance’s wheels as he drives right through the church and blasts a hole in the other wall!
“Oh feck!” comes a voice from outside the church. “I thought that one wath the injection dithtributhon pedal! Feck my bollockth! Oh well, can’t be helped! Are you alright, Father Pink?”
“Agrgnh…” replies Father Pink. “I think you’ve crushed me feckin’ bollock!”
He passes out briefly from the pain before coming once more to his sense.
“You great big gobshite!”
He’s not entirely sure he can move his leg.
Father Pink has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
See if I can shut and lock the door or something to keep out Veridian and then proceed to the Communion Rite!...Meanwhile, in the church of Ardglass Father Cyan realises he has one last chance to save his flock: he must keep the monstrous voice of Father Veridian at bay!
He jumps down from his altar, swings himself over the first row of benches, and then sprints down the central aisle towards the door before it’s too late.
Quote from: Father Veridian
Knock those doors down in an oratory of chant!...It’s too late! Just as Father Cyan gets to within touching distance of the main doors, the chanting voice of Father Veridian rises like an inferno of boring wind, shattering the ancient hinges and blasting the doors back as if a hurricane of tedium! The oak doors, having stood for hundreds of years, are smashed apart into hundreds of foot long splinters which shoot like God’s shotgun into the church, impaling innocent villagers by the dozen.
Proclaim glory and preach to the masses. Of course, this red visage will be helpful in doing so!
Share this gift with Father Cyan.
The floor is instantly coated in a thick smear of blood; the air filled with the moans of the dying and injured.
Miraculously unhurt, Father Cyan gets to his feet just in time to see Father Veridian sprint through the mangled doorway towards him, leap through the air, knock him to the ground, and thrust his horribly bleeding face into his, manically rubbing his blood-drenched forehead up and down Father Cyan’s horrified face.
“My God!” drones Father Veridian. “Did you ever see such a thing? Now, I wonder what you’d class that kind of wind on the Beaufort scale? Did you know Beaufort was actually an Irishman? Yes, he was you know, and apparently a massive fecking gobshite with it, but I digress. I met a massive fecking gobshite once when I went to Edinburgh on a three-week seminar on the correct width of clerical collars – I had quite an argument with him about this and we nearly came to blows you see, because I quite generally favour, as you can tell just by feckin’ well looking at my own, the standard one point two five inch collar, but he was quite a showy gobshite and liked the larger ones, even going up to one point three five inches, and I, well…”
Father Cyan punches Father Veridian right on the feckin’ nose before they both briefly pass out from the pain.
Father Cyan has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Brown
Father Brown makes good on his promise and gets what remains of the Bishop's hat to fix-mend-make it like new...Things are a little calmer in the village church of Creggenbaun, especially since the bishop has stormed off to inspect another Sunday Mass. Both priests breath a sigh of relief, and, sensing a brief but peaceful agreement, Father Brown reaches down to pick up Bishop Lennan’s hat to see if he can’t fix it up and what-not.
Just as he pulls a pair of scissors from his cassock to commence the repair operation, he suddenly looks up to see Father Silver run up to him and throw an arse load of sand right in his feckin’ eyes!
Totally panicked and entirely blinded, Father Brown scissors right through the bastard hat, narrowly missing several of his fingers.
Quote from: Father Silver
You know that heck what? I am going to throw an arse load of sand into his eyes and run around to cut of the power....Just then the mostly blinded Father Brown is knocked to the floor as Father Silver bursts past him to look for the power. Having to settle for the next best thing, he finds a nearby lamp and rips the plug from the socket in a luddite fury.
Father Brown has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange encourages the church-goers to take the bricks and stones they are pulling off of their loved ones, and place them on Father Blue in his little pile of rubble.... "Yes it's bloody feckin' urgent! I don't care if your feckin' ambulance is feckin’ out on feckin' call, you send it the feck over here right feckin’ now!" screams Father Blue into the phone, lying comfortably on the floor under a pile of bricks and briefly becoming Father Bright Red. A vein throbs angrily on his forehead as he continues.
"If there's no feckin’ ambulance, bloody well send over something else! A car, a truck, a bloody feckin’ dump truck... I don't care what the feck it is as long as it can get the bits and pieces of my beloved feckin' flock to the bloody fecking hospital!!!"
Just as he finishes, several of his congregation wander over and dump a bucket of bricks on his head. He is temporarily becalmed.
Quote from: Father Blue
Father Blue screams into the phone… Give the church's address just in case these feckin' nincompoops are that daft, then hang up, get to my feet and apologise to the crowd for that outburst, and then inform them all that the ambulance is on its way and that we should all go finish Mass....”Yes! The feckin’ Church of feckin’ Mullagh-feckin’-brack, you shiting fecksters! How much more feckin’ urgent can you feckin’ feck FECKIN’ FECK ARSE FECK!” he screams as he jumps to his feet, showering the nearby churchgoers with bricks and stone.
It's what their deceased family/friends/budgerigars would have wanted, after all!
Give the best feckin' Liturgy of the Eucharist any of these ungrateful shites have ever heard! Work in some prayers for the dearly departed, too.
“Feck!” continues Father Blue as he violently hurls the phone away, smashing right through one of his favourite stained windows and sending down a rain of glass.
“Shite!”
A villager falls down screaming before him, pierced by a shard right through the temple as Father Blue turns to address the crowd.
“Look. I’m really feckin’ sorry, I’ve called an ambulance, it’s the best I can feckin’ well do. How about a nice feckin’ discount on the funeral rites or something? Now, how about we get the feck on with the feckin’ Mass?”
As he turns again to walk to his altar an angry husband, not for the first time in his career, storms up to him, only to be inadvertently smashed in the face as Father Blue spreads his arms wide in praise of God.
“Praise be!” he says, preaching as he walks. “Praise feckin’ be! Come on you ungrateful shites, listen the feck up! That means you too, you dead feckin’ eejits! What kind of gobshite sits under a collapsing church wall anyway? A feckin’ eejit, that’s who! If you get a pile of rubble right up yer feckin’ bollocks it’s your own feckin’ fault! Now, where the feck was I before you bunch of gobshites interrupted me with all your feckin’ dying and shite?”
Without even a pause for breath as he gets safely behind his altar, Father Blue launches right into the Liturgy of the Eucharist oblivious to the rising tension amidst his congregation.
Father Blue has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist!(3/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
And after that comes the longed for Communion Rite!
After the Liturgy of the Word comes the Liturgy of the Eucharist!
And after that comes the longed for Communion Rite!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on August 16, 2012, 08:43:59 pm
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 16, 2012, 09:03:13 pm
:D
Post by: lawastooshort on August 20, 2012, 06:26:23 am
Episode One, Turn Eight: Burnim!
(http://www.giulianohazan.com/school/images/goose.jpg)
(http://www.giulianohazan.com/school/images/goose.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
Revive thyself through copious amounts of internal praying and continue the Litugory of the Eucharist....”Benedictus es, Dòmine,” starts Father Teal, praying as hard as he can whilst he performs Mass, oblivious to the priest sitting on his head and the duct tape on his face.
“Deus univèrsi, quia de tua largitàte.”
Suddenly Father Purple jumps off his head, slings him over his shoulder, and throws Father Teal into the nearest cupboard! He walks back to his seat at the front.
“Et òperis mànuum hòminum!” comes the desperate muffled cry from inside the cupboard, which is soon accompanied by a loud banging.
“Oh feck,” realises Father Purple. “Didn’t tie the feckin’ gobshite up! What an eejit!”
Quote from: Father Purple
Seeing as the Bishop should be arriving soon enough, I shall tie the old fecker up and hide him somewhere. Then, I shall daintily return to my seat from the beginning. Silly old Bastard......Father Purple quickly opens the cupboard, delivers a few subduing kicks to the groin and, whilst Father Teal is busy shouting Mass, duct tapes his fellow priest’s arms to his sides. He kicks him once again to make sure and then slams the door shut.
“Mànuum hòminum!”
As he walks once more back to his seat, he’s suddenly knocked to the floor by a wave of villagers who rush the cupboard to bend down and put an ear to the miraculous preaching furniture!
“Totiùs que Ecclèsiae suae sanctae!” rings out the now clear and triumphant voice of Father Teal.
“Oh feck,” realises Father Purple, prone and trampled on the ground behind the crowd of churchgoers. The power of prayer has clearly blasted the duct tape clean from Father Teal’s mouth!
Father Teal has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
Father Teal has a -1 taped up in a cupboard penalty next turn!
Father Teal has a -1 taped up in a cupboard penalty next turn!
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Motion the organist to put on something powerful. Queen or something. Tap the foot to get into the beat. Then attempt to combine the Communion Rite, defending against Father Beige's inevitable assault and rocking out....Dunnnnnnnnnnnn,
Dun dunnnnnnnnnn
Dun da-dunnnnnnnnnn! blasts the organ.
“Beàti qui ad cenam Agni,” mutters the priest.
Dunnnnnnnnnnnn,
Dun dunnnnnnnnnn
Dun da-da-dunnnnnnnnnn!
A steady tap emanates from behind Father Red’s altar.
Dun dunnnnnnn,
Dun dunnnnnnnnnn
Dun da-da da-da-dunnnnnnnnnn!!
“Sub tectum meum, sed tantum dic,” continues Father Red, somewhat melodiously.
“Is this that ‘pop music' stuff?” asks one elderly member of the congregation of another. “Or Psalm 42?”
“I’m not sure, Glennis. It’s a bloody racket whatever it bloody well is. I’ve had enough of this new age youth shite, I’m off. Ooh, hang on! This bit looks good!”
Quote from: Father Beige
Pull out a blessed flamethrower loaded with holy napalm from under my cloak, and burn the feck out of that bastard Red and his chapel. And sing "I Don't Want to Set The World On Fire."..."You know what? I may be bleeding, on fire, and currently down a liver and an eye, but one thing is for sure,” shouts Father Beige as he pulls a blessed flamethrower out of his cassock and approaches the altar. ”You'll complete Mass over my dead, burning body, Red, you big turgid gobshite! Mwahahahahahahahaha!"
Father Beige sprays the altar in holy napalm!
Father Red ducks behind the altar!
The holy napalm rebounds off the altar, splashing the congregation and burning off Father Beige’s pants!
Father Beige falls to the floor and rolls to extinguish the flames, but forgets to stop pulling the trigger and showers the church and congregation with holy napalm! They’re about to flee screaming when suddenly Father Red raises the altar above his head with his bare hands, uses it to shield himself from the blessed fire, and then dashes forward to smack Father Beige in the face with it until the flamethrowering fiend drops his weapon and submits once again.
Father Red remembers to stop banging his head and his altar long enough to reach the end of the Communion Rite.
“Adiutòrium nostrum in nòmine Dòmini.”
”Yer big feckin’ gobshite,” replies Father Beige, spitting out several teeth.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
While Father Pink is a little incapacitated, grab some random syringes and liquids and inject him with them. Pink needs some medical attention, after all. Also state to the congregation that Pink botched the communion rite so badly that it needs to be done again....Seeing Father Pink incapacitated – accidentally, it has to be admitted – by his own hand stirs something of the good Samaritan in Father Green’s soul. Not only does he need to be removed from beneath the ambulance, Father Pink also urgently needs medical attention! Father Green rushes to the ambulance, grabs as many syringes and colourful liquids as he can see, and injects them straight into the only part of Father Pink that he can spy protruding from beneath the suddenly smoking vehicle!
“There you go Father! You know, your fecking Communion Rite was so feckin’ shite I think we should start all over again and have a nice sing along. What do you say about that then, you big eejit?”
Quote from: Father Pink
Dislodge self from ambulance, steal that gobshite Green's robe, and deliver unto the masses a feckin' inspiring Communion!...”Arrg! Me feckin’ arse!” shouts Father Pink as he feels a sudden stabbing sensation in his left buttock. “What feckin’ eejit just stabbed me right in me feckin’ arse?!” Immediately feeling as if miraculously filled with the strength of God, or possibly just an elephant’s worth of adrenaline, the stricken priest raises the ambulance above his head and tosses it through the nearby wall!
The wall collapses to the ground in a huge pile of bricks! At the bottom Father Pink’s naked legs and feet can be seen, poking out at a strange angle.
The ceiling of the church begins to take on a slightly lopsided appearance.
“Blimey! A creaking church roof! I’ve always wanted to see one of those!” squeals Father Green in delight. ”It must be a feckin’ sign from the Lord!”
Father Pink has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Veridian
Get up, rush to the altar and begin telling everyone what a wonderful dream I experienced when in close proximity to Father Cyan!...“I,” begins Father Veridian, ominously and standing behind the altar. “Had a dream. A wonderful feckin’ dream it was. I had a dream that one day this congregation will rise up, and join me in rubbing my face all over Father Cyan’s face! That one day we will discuss, as one joyous flock, the merits of Grade A and Grade B loft insulation! That-“
Hug him closer like a drinking buddy, and preach with him in my sonorous drone!
Quote from: Father Cyan
Say the fecking Communion Rite!...Father Cyan gets up and takes his rightful place at the head of his flock, pushing Father Veridian to the floor to make space.
Although now horizontal, Father Veridian doesn’t stop.
“But also I dreamt about that time when, in Priest School, I had to work part time to fund my studies, and I worked tidying the shelves at Safeway, but I got the feckin’ sack because I was too feckin’ slow, they said I didn’t need to measure the distance over every single-“
“Jesus Christ. Forgive me Father, I just cannae take any more! Praecèptis salutàribus mòniti,” shouts Father Cyan, drowning out the droning monstrosity. “Et divìna institutiòne formàti…”
The congregation sighs with relief.
Father Cyan has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Brown
Flush my eyes with communion wine, ignore Father Silver's un-Christian shenanigans and lead the congregation in the Communion Rites in the darkness. It was good enough for our feckin' ancestors, it'll be good enough for us....In the slightly less bright church, now shorn of one antique lamp but still illuminated by the sunlight flooding in through the stained windows, Father Brown stands behind the altar and pours wine over his face. Refreshed and unblinded, he launches right into the Communion Rite.
Quote from: Father Silver
While everyone is distracted make finely powdered aphrodisiac powder and throw it on everyone. Excluding me....Suddenly Father Silver stops strolling nonchalantly round the church waving his arms and runs up to Father Brown, throwing some kind of fine white powder in his face. The large quantity he doesn’t immediately swallow sticks to his wine-sodden features, lending him a ghastly and muddy ghostly complexion. He battles bravely on, trying his best to ignore the strange stirring in his loins and instead concentrate on the words of the Lord.
Father Brown has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has a -1 aphrodisiac penalty next turn!
The congregation has a -1 aphrodisiac penalty next turn!
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has a -1 aphrodisiac penalty next turn!
The congregation has a -1 aphrodisiac penalty next turn!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
I think you know where I'm going with this...."You feckin' heartless gobshite! No true man o' the cloth would ignore the suffering of his flock like this!” shouts Father Orange to the busily preaching Father Blue. “You must be... A WITCH!"
The congregation seem immediately convinced.
Quote from: Father Blue
Father Blue shall give the best feckin' Communion Rite ever, raising his voice as necessary to drone out murmurs of discontent/screaming/sirens!...”Burn him!” shouts Father Blue’s congregation, referring to Father Blue. “Burn him! He’s a witch! A witch! Wait. Has anyone got a duck?”
And he won't have any more feckin' interruptions! Any gobshites who distract him will get Father Orange thrown at 'em.
This has been the most stressful feckin' Mass Father Blue cares to remember and he bloody well wants to get it feckin' over with!
A slightly worried looking Father Blue ignores the shouted requests for a duck and launches right into what he hopes might well be the best feckin' Communion Rite ever, raising his voice louder and louder and, indeed, beginning to shout to drown out the multiplying requests for a duck.
“Here! I’ve got one! Use mine! Use mine! I’ve got a duck!”
The congregation are temporarily silent.
“Lìbera nos,” shouts Father Blue. ”Quaesumus, Dòmine!”
“Got any scales?” comes a cry from the villagers. “We could use the scales in the churchyard? The big ones?”
“Semper lìberi et ab omni!”
“Burn him! Burn him!”
“Um.”
“She’s a witch! A witch!”
“Oh for feck’s sake, yer big bunch of gobshites. I’m not a feckin’ witch!”
Fearing for his life and no longer able to ignore the vengeful crowd of locals, Father Blue takes a short run up behind his altar, sprints forward, leaps through the air over the witch hunters, and lands right in front of Father Orange. Without another word he bends down, picks up his rival priest by the ankles, and hurls him directly at the incoming congregation!
“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeooooff!”
They are stunned into subjugation! And many are stunned into the floor!
Having parted the crowd, Father Blue strolls back to his altar and steps up to finish addressing his flock.
“Amen.”
Father Blue has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After the Liturgy of the Eucharist comes the Communion Rite (4/5)!
And then! The Concluding Rite! (5/5)
After the Liturgy of the Eucharist comes the Communion Rite (4/5)!
And then! The Concluding Rite! (5/5)
Spoiler: Special Turn Eight GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 20, 2012, 03:20:48 pm
Does that mean the top massers and the top disruptors will both be going on to the next round?
Post by: lawastooshort on August 20, 2012, 03:43:42 pm
Post by: Tiruin on August 20, 2012, 04:08:24 pm
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 20, 2012, 04:11:09 pm
Oh, and this RTD is feckin' fantastic. :D
Post by: Tiruin on August 20, 2012, 04:15:14 pm
:P
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 20, 2012, 04:20:07 pm
Oh, now we know who Spaghetti is... ::)What? Whit what? How? I'm pretty sure I didn't give anything away...
:P
Post by: lawastooshort on August 20, 2012, 05:05:16 pm
So those not in the list won't be in Turn 9 then?
Yes, they will. I just didn't feel like working out the bottom three of each list. No one is selected or otherwise until then end of Turn Ten!
Post by: monk12 on August 20, 2012, 10:00:45 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on August 21, 2012, 07:31:06 am
Episode One, Turn Nine: Weewee.
(http://www.robynschneider.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/p1011924.jpg?w=500&h=375)
(http://www.robynschneider.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/p1011924.jpg?w=500&h=375)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Teal
Use my holy strength to break out of this duct tape in a cupboard....In the village church of Termonfeckin, the watching members of the congregation fall silent as from deep within the Preaching Cupboard comes the rustling sound of deep concentration as Father Teal mummifies himself with roll after roll of the duct tape he brings to every Mass in his cassock pockets.
Quote from: Father Purple
FECK! UNLEASH THE MIGHTY FECKIN' POWER OF CAPS LOCK TO...LIGHT THE CUPBOARD ON FIRE....Father Purple, alone on the front row of pews, grins to himself contentedly as the aforementioned Preaching Cupboard miraculously bursts into flames.
FROM MY CURRENT SITTING POSITION.
FECKING FUS RO DAH THE COMMONERS! THEY DON'T NEED TO BE LISTENING TO THE FECKIN' GOBSHITE IN THE CLOSET! THE NEED TO LISTEN TO...SIMPLE PLAN!
PLAY IT!!
“Much like the bush of yore!” he thinks to himself. “Oh feck. What the feckin’ feck.”
As the congregation frantically undress themselves to use their clothes to beat out the flames enveloping the Holy Burning Cupboard, Father Purple hears a strange banging noise. Suddenly the church doors are smashed open and an angry looking Irish SWAT team burst through, machine guns aimed directly at Father Purple!
“That’s him! That’s the fecker with the feckin’ bomb and all the feckin’ hostages and all that shite! Take him down! Oh sweet Jesus! Look what he’s making all the feckin’ hostages do! Oh for the love of God!”
“Oh shite.”
Just then the Irish SWAT team turn round, following the terrified gaze of Father Purple.
“Oh shite. It’s only that feckin’ Bishop! He’s gonna kick us all right in the feckin’ bollocks!”
Father Teal has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Red
Concluding rite, here I come! Hold it in high spirits and with high volume. Have the organist accompany that with some Bach. But first place the altar directly on top of Father Beige to ensure his cooperation....”Sit nomen Dòmini benedìctum!” shouts Father Red, advancing upon Father Beige with the altar held high above him.
Amen.
As Father Beige scrabbles backwards on the floor, he desperately fiddles with his blessed flamethrower’s knob before finally pointing it towards Father Red.
“Haha!” he shouts back. “I’ve got you now, you great feckin’ eejit!”
Father Beige aims the nozzle at Father Red’s face and pulls the trigger.
Quote from: Father Beige
Pick up flamethrower, jam nozzle down Red's throat, and fill him with the holiness of blessed napalm. If he tries to complete the rites, spray him in the face with napalm before he can finish....But just then Father Red rams the altar down upon Father Beige’s head, blocking the holy napalm and deflecting it right into the congregation!
Father Beige collapses to the floor with a dull thud and the sound of screaming burning churchgoers threatens to drown out the sound of Father Red’s increasingly raucous recital of the Concluding Rite.
“Ite, missa est!” shouts Father Red as scores of villagers start fleeing towards the main exit and clambering over the ruined corner wall.
“Deo gràtias!” answer the congregation.
“Feck arse!” concludes Father Beige on the floor, staring bloodthirstily up at Father Red as flames suddenly shoot up the curtains to engulf one side of the church.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Concluding Rite! (5/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
Seems that Father Pink has been gifted with the strength of Samson himself. Tell the congregation its time to start runnin' out the church before Pinkie here goes and topples it....”Yea, for lo, even though yon Father feckin’ Pink be under a pile of bricks, he is as if gifted with the strength of Samson himself, and you all know just what the feck happened next! Yea, for the accursed but lovely Father is going to topple the church upon yer feckin’ heads! Let us flee!”
Quote from: Father Pink
Trust in the Lord for strength, and just deliver Communion as I am, where I am. Praise be to God....”Oh, come on now,” answers the pile of bricks, a lone hand poking through the top and directing its attention to the congregation. “That’s a big bag of shitin’ bollocks. If I had the strength of Samson himself, what the feck would I still be doing under a pile of feckin’ bricks? Eh? Now answer me that yer great feckin’ gobshite. Now, my children, listen the feck up. I trust only in the Lord for strength, and so if He saw fit to crumble the wall and rock the roof, so be it! Praise be to God!”
The congregation murmur in agreement.
“Now, where were we? Sed tantum dic verbo et sanàbitur ànima mea.…”
“Amen.”
Father Pink has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
Give Veridian the mighty boot of the Lord in the feckin' testicles and continue to do so, using his bollocks as punctuation for the Concluding Rite....Realising that, even prone on the ground, Father Veridian threatens to disrupt his triumphant chanting of the Concluding Rite, Father Cyan kicks himself right in the feckin’ testicles!
"That'll show him!" he groans.
Then he doubles up in pain, rolling like a holy ball down the steps away from the altar and coming to a stop against the first row of pews.
The uncontrollable pain keeps his hands glued to his groin as he lies groaning and grimacing on the floor in front of Mrs Dineen. She glowers down disapprovingly.
Quote from: Father Veridian
A'right, that's fecking it! I'm tired of everyone staring glassy eyed at my speeches like they were bored out of heck itself!...”Oh dear,” announces Father Veridian. “It looks like poor Father Cyan is indisposed! I’ll carry on myself. You know, I’m quite an expert in the Concluding Rite, you see. One day, I mean, I calculated and measured every single part of the Conclusion to the minutest details, there are actually several instances in which...”
S'cuse Father Cyan out of the altar and begin issuing my OWN version of the concluding rite.
The front row of the church collapses forward into a snoring heap!
Mrs Dineen collapses forward into a snoring heap! Onto Father Cyan! Father Cyan is disturbed from his groaning grimaces and looks up, only to find Mrs Dineen collapsed on top of him in a compromising position, and with no memory of how she got there! His piercing scream awakens Mrs Dineen, who looks down only to find herself lying all over Father Cyan in a compromising position!
“Oh, you dirty feckin’ priest, you!” she shouts, jumping to her feet and drawing her handback. “Take this, you great big pervert!”
Mrs Dineen smacks Father Cyan in the groin with her masterwork handbag half a dozen times before storming out of the broken church door.
“Come on, Mrs Connelly,” she says over her shoulder as she leaves. “I’ve had enough of this shite.”
Father Cyan has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
Father Cyan has a -1 Testicular Pain penalty next turn!
Father Cyan has a -1 Testicular Pain penalty next turn!
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Silver
You know what. Just as Brown starts to preform his last rite, throw the lower half of his dog at him and make him incensed. Then produce dirty magazines (for both guys and girls) from nowhere and throw them in the air....Momentarily bewitched by the strange sight of Father Brown’s face covered in wine and powered aphrodisiac, Father Silver suddenly comes to his senses. He stands before the altar, stripping to his glorious Sunday Speedo and briefly running around in an enticing fashion before realising he’s left his trousers round his ankles.
He smashes forward into the ground, landing face first in the lower half of Jane the Dachshund. A handful of compromising photographs of Father Silver with some unidentifiable parishioners tumbles out of his cassock pocket.
Quote from: Father Brown
Lunge forward and rub the powder in the eyes of Father Silver. Perform final part of mass if he's subdued....Father Brown in turn joins the mass of elderly women advancing upon Father Silver’s inert body, lunging forward to rub the powder and the face upon which it currently sits in the eyes of his rival.
Suddenly Mrs Killan tears him off Father Silver’s face and starts rubbing the lovely priest with her own overly made up cheeks!
Ignoring the elderly women now starting to finish undressing Father Silver beneath the altar, Father Brown blasts right on into the Concluding Rite, getting most of it out the way before Mrs O’Hanrahan starts tugging fervently at his cassock!
Just then Mrs O’Flairy spies the photographs of Father Silver and the parishioners on the floor. She swoons, crashing down directly upon Father Silver. Her lips meet his. They-
”Oh my God Mrs O’Flairy! You’re not feckin’ unconscious at all you big feckin’… you big feckin’… feck! Arse! Drink! Feck! Arse! Arse! Feck!”
Father Brown has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has a +1 Mass Momentum bonus next turn!
The congregation has a -1 Aphrodisiac Penalty next turn!
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has a +1 Mass Momentum bonus next turn!
The congregation has a -1 Aphrodisiac Penalty next turn!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Blue
>Shout congregation into submission, and then proceed to complete the concluding right in an similiarly loud voice...."Yer spineless feckin' gobshites! You'll stay right there 'til Mass is done, d'you feckin' hear me?! Do you?!"
>Anyone who approaches me on the lectern shall be grabbed and wielded as a weapon to fend off any others.
>Anyone attempting to escape the church will have the feckin' lectern thrown at 'em, the worthless shite!
>No matter what, I keep going on with my incredibly loud, incredibly angry recital, and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me!
Just as Father Blue is about to launched into a vitriolic recital of the Concluding Rite, an angry villager rushes up to him to remonstrate earnestly with his fists. Father Blue punches him to the ground and picks him up by the ankles, ready to swing him right back where he came form.
Quote from: Father Orange
As Father Blue turns his back on me I shall harden my heart, run up behind him and tickle him with neither mercy nor pity!...But then Father Orange leaps into action, dashing right behind Father Blue and poking him in the side of the ribs, and then tickling behind his ears and under his armpits and right feckin’ all over the place, until Father Blue starts giggling to himself, and then Father Orange tickles him under the chin and in his secret tickly place and suddenly Father Blue starts laughing out loud, and he wets himself, and he lets go of the villager, who goes flying into the congregation, knocking several to the floor!
“Erm,” mumbles Father Blue standing in his pool of pee.
Father Orange gives him one more poke just under the ribs for luck; Father Blue contorts awkwardly and drops to the floor, flailing and giggling about in his own wee.
Father Blue has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After the Liturgy of the Eucharist comes the Communion Rite (4/5)!
And then! The Concluding Rite! (5/5)
After the Liturgy of the Eucharist comes the Communion Rite (4/5)!
And then! The Concluding Rite! (5/5)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on August 21, 2012, 07:51:26 am
Post by: lawastooshort on August 21, 2012, 01:32:42 pm
I originally planned for Episode Two to feature six players (three teams of two).
I am considering putting nine players in it (three teams of three) as I am enjoying this so far.
These nine players would still be filtered down to four for Episode Three (winning team plus best loser).
Any preferences? Six? Or nine?
Feel free to post or PM.
Post by: Taricus on August 21, 2012, 01:34:41 pm
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 21, 2012, 01:49:37 pm
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 21, 2012, 05:34:08 pm
Post by: monk12 on August 21, 2012, 08:10:42 pm
If you can keep up with it, I'd say 9, for more fun. :)
+1, with the caveat that you should be sure the extra men won't burn you out.
Post by: Toaster on August 22, 2012, 08:01:40 am
Post by: lawastooshort on August 23, 2012, 06:44:15 am
Episode One, Turn Ten: Twelve Angry Priests (and one very angry Bishop).
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_zlC2XQR89ho/TUCjYa396WI/AAAAAAAAAtA/01Fz5Y39OZo/s1600/priests-retreat.jpeg)
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_zlC2XQR89ho/TUCjYa396WI/AAAAAAAAAtA/01Fz5Y39OZo/s1600/priests-retreat.jpeg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Purple
Get up from my seat to greet the Bishop at the door, giving him a warm welcome, as well as an explanation for why Teal is in the cupboard covered in duct tape....”Erm. Feck. Sorry sir,” starts Father Purple. “But Father Teal seems to have...well, locked himself in a burning cupboard and mummified himself using feckin' duct tape. Oh, shite. He's quite behind on the feckin' mass y'know, and I don't think the gobshite'll ever finish the bloody thing. Anyway, come on in! Take a seat! Don't worry about the SWAT, they're bloody eejits. I have no idea what they're talking about and NEITHER SHOULD YOU.”
“So, how are you? I hope you’ve been enjoying the lovely feckin’ Masses? I’m afraid this one’s been a terrible bag of shite, normally I love a good Mass, so I do.”
Quote from: Father Teal/#bay12rtd
Totally flip out and extinguish my burning testicles after escaping the cupboard...“Oh shite. It’s only that feckin’ Bishop!” shout the Irish SWAT team. ”He’s gonna kick us all right in the feckin’ bollocks!”
From inside his burning cupboard the mummified Father Teal hears of the approaching Bishop Lennan.
”…in the feckin’ bollocks!”
A thought occurs to him as the SWAT team’s anguished cry echoes around the church.
”…feckin’ bollocks!”
”Oh shite. Me feckin’ bollocks!”
”…kin’ bollocks!”
”There’s something wrong with them!”
”…bollocks!”
”Oh Jesus!”
”…locks!”
”Oh shite!”
”…ocks!”
”Oh for the love of God me feckin’ bollocks are burning!”
With the frenzied power of burning-crotch panic, Father Teal bursts out of his mummifying duct tape and explodes out of the burning cupboard, surprising and scattering the dozens of semi-naked villagers surrounding it and trying to extinguish the flames with their clothes like some kind of half-witted rural fire-blanket wielders.
Immediately mistaking Bishop Lennan’s luxurious silk cassock for a replacement baptismal font, he dashes forward, tackling the bishop to the floor and rubbing his burning crotch on his back!
”Oh God. Oh Jesus. Oh Saint Filharmonica. Was I feckin’ worried for a second there! I thought me feckin’ bollocks were about to burn right off! Oh. I say. Erm. Hello Bishop Lennan.”
”YOU BIG FECKIN’ GOBSHITE, FATHER TEAL. WHEN I’M FECKIN’ WELL FINISHED WITH YOUR BOLLOCKS YOU’LL FECKIN’ WELL WISH THEY’D FECKIN’ WELL BURNT RIGHT OFF! I’M GONNA KICK YOUR BOLLOCKS RIGHT TO TIMBUKTU, YER LITTLE SHITE!”
Father Teal has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Quote from: Father Beige/#bay12rtd
Burn Father Red in the face and then put myself out in the baptismal font....As the church of Knockcloghrim begins to blaze, Father Beige begins to feel a sense of disappointment.
Father Red’s face is not burning too!
Quote from: Father Red
Now that the pressing part is dealt with... disarm Father Beige and smash his head in with his flamethrower until he stops moving....And nor will it burn, at least not anymore than it is already lightly smouldering, given that Father Red is generally ablaze and has been for some time. Getting Father Beige in a particularly violent headlock, Father Red grabs the flamethrower from his now limp arms and starts smashing his head in with it!
Then remember that I am on fire and run to the nearest brook to roll around in it screaming.
Suddenly Father Red drops Father Beige to the floor and sprints outside to throw himself into a nearby pond.
A whiff of steam gently rises in the morning sunshine.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Concluding Rite! (5/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
Quote from: Father Green
Sigh in defeat then remember that there has been no feckin' offertory! Rage to the heavens that Pink has forgotten all about an important part of the mass and that without that part, the whole mass is invalid!...”Oh,” sighs Father Green, despondently. “I’ve let the gobshite do his feckin’ Mass. What a load of shite.”
He takes a seat on the nearest pew.
But then he jumps to his feet in delight!
“No I feckin’ haven’t! The feckin’ eejit forgot the feckin’ offertory! Oh, I do believe that the entire feckin’ Mass is worthless without the shitin’ offertory! Feck!”
Quote from: Father Pink
Continuing to trust in the Lord, Conclude those Rites from the bottom of the pile of bricks, as God willeth. Amen....”Oh my word,” says the nearby pile of bricks. “So it feckin’ well is. Bollocks. Oh well. Best we could do in the circumstances, eh! Yer big feckin’ eejit, Father Green. You just come over here so I can kick you up the bollocks!”
Father Green tosses a nearby solitary brick at the talking pile of bricks and walks off, a spring of triumph in his feet.
Father Pink has completed the Communion Rite! (4.1/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Cyan
Trusting the Lord to deal with the pain in his bollocks, Cyan shall sing the Concluding Rite as he dances a jig up the aisle to Veridian, before smashing the gobshite over the head with the communion wine....”I would like to thank,” drones Father Veridian, stepping up to take Father Cyan’s place as this latter rolls about in pain on the floor. “The excellent Father Cyan, for inviting me to this fecking excellent Mass.”
“No! You feckin’ fecker! No you feckin’ don’t!” shouts Father Cyan, jumping to his feet in spite of the pain and hobbling towards the altar clutching his groin.
“No, no, Father Cyan, don’t be daft now. It was an excellent Mass, and I’d like to make sure you get credit for it. After all, did not the Lord say, erm, was it not something about lagging, he said? Thou shalt not underprotect thy pipework in deepest winter, for if thee do, it shall probably… wait, no, was it not rather about correctly insulating the boiler? It seemed to me a rather pertinent point, but now I come to think of it I’m not terribly sure that it wasn’t my plumber who said this rather than our Lord, but in any case, you know…”
Quote from: Father Veridian
Issue the coup de grâce for the whole mass, ending it with a baleful symphony of my blessed vocal chords....As Father Veridian continues his endlessly tedious plumbing anecdote by way of thanks for the excellent Mass Father Cyan has nearly completed, Father Cyan starts nervously twitching his way up the central aisle towards the altar.
Of course, I thank Father Cyan in the best manner possible, with a long speech dedicated to how he conducted this mass, and on how this was all his idea.
“…it’s rather that the terribly low frequency is a little disruptive, you know, and so the dog forgets how to yawn properly – indeed, most people think that dogs can’t actually yawn, but, well, in Albania…”
Father Cyan reaches the altar, gripping the bottle of communion wine.
“…and so that’s why they grade the paper in such a way, indeed, historically, you know, the numbers referred to how many feet had been used in the stamping down process, which I found a fascinating thing to hear about, and it reminded me of something that Father McCaskill once said to me on the subject of Latin Oratory, he said, you know, and this’ll make you laugh but it’s so awfully true, he said…”
Father Cyan smashes the gobshite over the head with the bottle of communion wine!
He mumbles a few words of the Concluding Rite, but it seems no one is left awake to listen. He sits down and starts to drink.
Father Cyan has completed the Communion Rite! (4.3/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Silver/#bay12rtd
Kindly push her away. Both of them. Make him search for a high place. Alternatively initiate complex choreography with entrancing groin movements to hypnotize them....Pulling both the lovely old women towards him in a passionate embrace, Father Silver starts a complex groinal thrust-based dance with the pair, hypnotising them with his crotchley warmth! Suddenly one of them tries to imitate him and throws her hip out of joint!
She collapses to the ground in writhing pain.
Quote from: Father Brown
Ignore debauchery, finish Mass....”Stop this hideous debauchery!” yells Father Brown, his poor eyes burning with shame. He turns to Mrs O’Hanrahanrahan tugging at his cassock. ”And you! Would you not like a nice cup of tea? Now, where were we? Oh yes. Ite, missa est, and all of that.”
“Deo gratias.”
Father Brown has completed the Communion Rite! (4.6/5)
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
Quote from: Father Orange
Ask the elderly parishioners if they have an adult diaper to spare- equip any and all available to Father Blue....In the village church of Mullaghbrack, an eventful Mass seems to be drawing to a peaceful close.
That is, until Father Orange gets it into his head that following up his wee-wee-inducing tickling with a bout of enforced villager nudism would be an excellent way to end Mass!
Throwing himself through the air off the altar and into the congregation like a sedate crowd surfer, he knocks down the parishioner he lands upon and starts frantically stripping off their clothes, hurling them this way and that about the room until he comes across his victim’s adult nappy!
“Rawwwrrrrrrrrrrr!” he shouts, in perverted triumph. “Muhahahahahahhahaha! Feck! Arse! Drink!”
He rips the adult nappy off and rams it down onto his head, whereupon he leaps to his feet and starts sprinting round the outside of the hall!
He realises he can smell something a bit strange.
Quote from: Father Blue
>Crash tackle this bastard Father Orange, haul him up and chuck him through my second-favourite stained glass window!...Just then Father Blue dives at Father Orange’s ankles, sending him crashing to the floor and into a nearby pew before grabbing him by the armpits, lifting him above his head and chucking him right though the nearest stained glass window!
>Thencalmlyrather tensely resume Mass, performing the concluding rite and what-not.
>Same punishments are on offer for anyone interrupting me, i.e. grabbing them by the ankles for use as a bludgeon.
>If anyone asks, I spilt soda in my lap. >:(
Father Blue has just got started on the Concluding Rites when a naked parishioner wanders up to the front of the church.
“I say,” says Mr O’Burns.
“Gnnnhhar!” replies Father Blue, bending down. “You great big feckin’ eejit! I’ve had it up to here with your gobshiting nudity! Get the feck out of my church, you’re ruining me feckin’ Mass! Come on, you big gobshite, feck off!”
Before Mr O’Burns can even begin to reply, Father Blue grabs him by the ankles, swinging him round his head before letting go and launching the poor chap right through another nearby stained glass window!
“A-feckin’-men,” mumbles Father Blue, vaguely remembering the end of the Rite. “Yer big bunch of gobshites.”
Father Blue has kind of completed the Concluding Rite! (4.5/5)
Spoiler: GM Notes (including results) (click to show/hide)
Post by: Spaghetti7 on August 23, 2012, 07:07:40 am
Post by: lawastooshort on August 23, 2012, 07:11:24 am
That was... Interesting. :D Can we reveal our identities yet? But yes. Awesome.
I am about to post the following in Episode Two:
Quote
Well, so, anonymity isn’t required here and I can see reasons for and against.
For: it’s fun and people can’t see what you’re doing
Against: harder for teams to cooperate.
Preferences? I will go with the majority here.
I should post Episode Two shortly!
Post by: Digital Hellhound on August 23, 2012, 07:28:45 am
For: harder for teams to cooperate.
Easy mistake to make.
Post by: Toaster on August 23, 2012, 07:45:14 am
Post by: Tiruin on August 23, 2012, 08:07:43 am
Unless...he's Father Blue. I've never seen a blue toaster before.
Also, I'm Father Grey. :P
Also, can't wait for Chapter II. Looks pretty stable and balanced as is.
Edit:
. . .
I can pinpoint with 50% chance of failure in knowing who Geen is. :/
Post by: lawastooshort on August 23, 2012, 08:14:44 am
Episode Two: Priest Harder
(http://wordsforpress.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/father_ted_down_with_this_sort_of_thing.jpg)
(http://wordsforpress.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/father_ted_down_with_this_sort_of_thing.jpg)
“RIGHT, YER BIG BOLLOCKS,” caps locks Bishop Lennan. “NOW, YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHY I’VE GATHERED YOU ALL TOGETHER AGAIN. WELL. I’VE GOT ANOTHER TASK FOR A BUNCH OF AMBITIOUS YOUNG FELLAS LIKE YOU. THERE’S THIS FECKIN’ FILM, YOU SEE. THE PASSION OF ST FECKIN’ FIBULUS. NOW, WE’VE GOT IT BANNED ALL OVER IRELAND, BUT BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID FECKIN’ LOOPHOLE THE CINEMAS ON THIS ISLAND ARE ALLOWED TO SHOW IT. THE CHURCH HAS TO BE SHOWN TO BE TAKING A STAND AGAINST THIS SORT OF THING. IT’S GOT A SAINT’S FECKIN’ NIPPLE IN IT!”
Bishop Lennan finally stops for breath before ranting on again.
“HEAD TO YOUR ASSIGNED VILLAGE CINEMA AND USE YOUR PRIESTLY INFLUENCE TO DETER THE VILLAGERS FROM SEEING IT! SHOW THE WORLD WHAT THE IRISH PRIESTHOOD IS MADE OF! NOW GO OFF AND MAKE SOME BANNERS OR WHATNOT AND THEN GET RIGHT DOWN THERE! AND DON’T FORGET: IF YOU CAN HANDLE THIS, I’VE GOT A FEW REALLY FECKIN’ IMPORTANT THINGS I NEED DOING. OH YES. IT COULD BE A MASSIVE FECKIN’ STEP UP IN YOUR MISERABLE FECKIN’ CAREERS.”
“FATHERS RED, VERIDIAN AND PINK: YOU GO DOWN TO TERMONFECKIN!”
“FATHERS BROWN, GREEN and ORANGE: GET YER BOLLOCKS OFF TO ARDGLASS!”
“AND FINALLY, FATHERS BLUE, PURPLE AND CYAN: HEAD OFF TO CREGGENBAUN!”
And with that, Bishop Lennan swirls his cloak round and leaves.
Do you want to prepare a banner (or one other typical protestor’s item) for the protest?
Spoiler: Episode Two Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Priest Operative Points (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes Regarding Anonymity! (click to show/hide)
If you want to take a pre-Turn One action please PM them!
Post by: Geen on August 23, 2012, 06:32:32 pm
I can pinpoint with 50% chance of failure in knowing who Geen is. :/The one who's rolls in every RTD have been ones and twos? Yep, that's me. :'( Also, GODDAMMIT I FAILED TOO HARD TO GET INTO ROUND TWO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Post by: monk12 on August 23, 2012, 08:41:49 pm
Post by: Tiruin on August 23, 2012, 10:54:59 pm
Admittance! :D [/hehe]
Post by: lawastooshort on August 24, 2012, 02:49:15 am
For: harder for teams to cooperate.
Right. Having thought about it, Digital is entirely correct. It will be amusing and help me to become less of an overly-kind GM to see the incompetent attempts to cooperate that this will lead to.
How it is going to work at the moment, I think, is that if a priest wants to do something with his team, this will have to be written in the action PM. So obviously the priest's teammates can then act on it. Next turn. Maybe. But it's PMed, so who knows?
The obvious handwave explanation is that everyone knows that whispering is considered anti-Catholic.
Hopefully I will get a turn done shortly.
Post by: lawastooshort on August 24, 2012, 06:38:55 am
Episode Two, Turn One: A Quiet Monday Morning!
(https://www.theimagefile.com/v/tp/177/276/3977687_4_sheep-agriculture-field-england.jpg)
(https://www.theimagefile.com/v/tp/177/276/3977687_4_sheep-agriculture-field-england.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Red
My pre-turn action would be to acquire a bunch of vuvuzelas....Outside the small cinema in the calm rural idyll of Termonfeckin, in the centre of Rolly Island, Father Red turns up to protest against the disgusting film The Passion of Saint Feckin’ Fibulus, as his superior Bishop Lennan has commanded. Like a right feckin’ eejit though, he’s forgotten to bring anything suitable for protesting! He looks sheepishly at his fellow priests, and then immediately turns his glance away from Father Veridian.
Quote from: Father Pink
Bring a megaphone! If I'm going to be reaching out to the masses, why not do a mass Mass with my fellow priests? This will help make my mass Mass massively loud....Father Pink has not been quite such an eejit! He’s brought a megaphone with him, and he intends to use it!
“Now, how about this for an idea,” he says, turning to Father Red and trying his hardest not to look directly at Father Veridian. “How about the three of us hold a nice old mass Mass for the masses to bring the blessing of God down upon our protest? How about that then? Just the three of us, we could get the manager of the cinema to bring out an old table and a bit of black cloth or something to use as an altar? What do you say about that then you big pair of bollocks?”
Quote from: Father Veridian
Begin getting formal attire and equipment to be a... "speaker and elective sponsor" of the movie who would be speaking to the crowds on the opening night....”Hmm,” ponders Father Veridian, entirely naked. “Well, you know, I’m quite an orthodox fella meself, you know, and, well, I’m not sure if conducting a Mass entirely naked might be considered, well, you know, slightly unconventional. Do you know, I think I forgot all me feckin’ clothes. There I was, talking to myself about the different shades of grey that I might get me housekeeper to paint the living room, and then, well, suddenly, I was here, entirely naked. Shite.”
Make sure my allies know of such, and that I trust them.
Six villagers have turned up to watch the matinee showing of the film! One has left in disgust at the naked man in the queue! One has left to tell her friends about the lovely naked man promoting the film in the queue! The queuers and any new arrivals will buy their ticket next turn!
Film Factor: 1.5
Queuers: 4
Viewers: 0
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Brown
Take a double sided banner saying 'This is Pornography - Why Are You Paying For It?' and go squat at the cinema entrance...Outside the village cinema of Ardglass, things are not quite so rurally calm. Father Brown’s sixty foot long two-sided neon yellow banner claiming that The Passion of Saint Feckin’ Fibulus is tantamount to free pornography for all has caused quite a stir: every passing villager has stopped what they are doing to join the queue!
Quote from: Father Green
Get to a phone and find some feckin' mimes or better; a circus with CLOWNS. Hire em' and bring em' along....And of course, today in Ardglass, there are many such passing villagers! Their enquiries helpdesk bombarded by a flood of recent calls asking for their services in the area, the local circus has set up in the car park next to the cinema. Literally several locals and their children wander about in eager excitement!
Father Green stands helplessly outside the car park, trying without success to grab the attention of a nearby mime whilst a passing clown pelts the poor priest with mouldy vegetable peelings! Two of the local children join in, picking the mouldy vegetable waste off the ground and in turn flinging it at Father Green!
“You should be ashamed of yourself, Father!” points out one of the children’s parents, storming over with a finger directed right at Father Green. ”Encouraging the poor feckin’ children to scrub about on the floor for bits of rubbish like that! It’s not feckin’ hygienic, you big dirty gobshite!”
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange stuffs his cassock full of prepackaged snack treats before grabbing his trusty guitar and heading to the cinema! What's a protest without a good protest song?...Suddenly the peaceful scene is shattered by a wailing priest: Father Orange runs right past his fellow protesters pursued by an angry shopkeeper and what looks suspiciously like a guitar-less busker! Stolen sweets and chocolate tumble from the pockets of Father Orange’s cassock as he goes, and in the distance the peep peep of a police officer’s whistle can be heard!
Father Orange appears to be holding a stolen guitar!
Six villagers have turned up to watch the matinee showing of the film! Six more passersby have joined! Several have left to tell their friends about the free pornography! The queuers and any new arrivals will buy their ticket next turn!
Film Factor: 2
Queuers: 10
Viewers: 0
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Blue
Punch my priestly companions in the snout(s) to establish dominance...."Orright then!" nods Father Blue, face set in a thoughtful frown as he considers the Bishop's words.
It's time to call in a favour.
Firstly though, head back home and equip my trusty Doc Martens of arse-kickin' beneath my robe/cassock/whatever the feck it's called.
Then go and find one of my especially uncouth friends from back in my (admittedly rather recent) hooliganish days and recruit him to help show just how terrible an effect films like this Passion of Saint Feckin' Fibulus can have on the youth of society!
If he doesn't like this idea, well, cheerfully remind him of all those times he skipped Mass, or dozed off, or took a leak in the chuch gardens.
Remind him of just what an arse-kickin' he rightfully deserves and point out how merciful I'm bein' with this offer to redeem himself!
Then go meet up with my team.
A Saint's feckin' nipple? he thinks to himself. Sounds like a rather creative, foward-thinkin' piece of cinema - exactly what I'm supposed to prevent!
Deciding to do his late father proud, Father Blue immediately turns to his new 'team', puffs out his chest and raises his voice.
"Right you lazy feckers! We are goin' to protest this film so hard that every movie mogul in Ireland'll be chuckin' up their feckin' breakfast!"
"Right then! Now, I know just the fellow t' help us in our peaceful-feckin'-protest... Oh! Blimey! There the fecker is right now!"
Just then Mr O’Dimmerty drives up in his trusty green Austin Maxi, skids to a halt in front of the cinema, jumps out the car, and punches Father Blue in the face!
“You still feckin’ owe me those five feckin’ €uros, you feckin’ gobshite! I’ll be back yer big bastard!” he yells, shaking his fist. He jumps back in the car and screeches off.
Father Blue is so outraged he even forgets to punch his fellow priests in the face!
Quote from: Father Cyan
All I want is one of those really high pitched mosquito alarms that only kids can hear. And my fist and boot....Observing this casual assault on a member of the clergy out of the corner of his eye is Father Cyan, who has turned up early with his rectory’s Mosquito alarm. He is chatting very earnestly with two of the villagers queuing up to see The Passion of Saint Feckin’ Fibulus.
Quote from: Father Purple
I'll paint a very convincing, but very large sign, and hang it in front of the entrance, blocking it....The queuing villagers who are not being berated by Father Cyan are beginning to get restless, wondering when the manager will come to remove the large sheet of steel blocking the entrance to the cinema. They’ve heard such marvellous things about the film so they have!
Oh yes, and the sign is made of Steel.
Six villagers have turned up to watch the matinee showing of the film! The queuers and any new arrivals will buy their ticket next turn!
Film Factor: 1
Queuers: 6
Viewers: 0
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on August 24, 2012, 07:12:05 am
That is all. XD
Post by: Toaster on August 24, 2012, 08:12:31 am
Post by: Tiruin on August 24, 2012, 08:41:09 am
Considering "criminal" acts are only the second level of badness out of five, I considered just skipping all the fuss that will almost assuredly lead to it anyway and start off by setting the movie theater on fire to begin with.Fire kills. :P
Post by: micelus on August 24, 2012, 09:12:40 am
Post by: monk12 on August 24, 2012, 11:05:43 am
Considering "criminal" acts are only the second level of badness out of five, I considered just skipping all the fuss that will almost assuredly lead to it anyway and start off by setting the movie theater on fire to begin with.Fire kills. :P
Not if you then perform your priestly duty be evacuating the building! Then everybody wins!
Post by: lawastooshort on August 28, 2012, 03:49:26 am
Episode Two, Turn Two: Oh Shite!
(http://v4.wrongsyntax.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/20070521081310_hulk-door-s.jpg)
(http://v4.wrongsyntax.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/20070521081310_hulk-door-s.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Red
Mount impromptu, unexpected Irish Inquisition. (With some queuers, ideally.) Direct the inquisition at the cinema owner slash cinema technician, use 500 years of Catholic persuasion tradition to convince the person to exchange the film with Ten Hours of Catholic Nyancat....”So...” Father Red asks the cinema owner out of the corner of his mouth, “Is it true that this film is...” He looks from side to side, as shiftily as he can and whispers in his seductive Irish brogue. “Particularly... racy?”
“Oh no, Father, not at all. Lovely film it is sir. Black and white and everything. You know, I never expected you to be so interested, Father Red. But no, not racy at all.”
“No, no,” flusters Father Red. “Not... speaking as a man of the cloth, but, y'know, as a... connoisseur of fine... art? Is it a racy film there?”
“Oh. Right – I see, Father. Well, yes. There's a saint's feckin' nipple and everything so there is, and uh – well, stuff that, well, you mightn't not even find on the old internet, y'know.”
“Shite. Do you, er... do you still do the old clergyman half price discount? Or will you er, you know, let us in for free?”
Quote from: Father Pink
My second idea involved flatulence....”So, er, right so. IN NOMINE PATRIS, ET FILII...”
Start up the Introductory Rites, interspersing comments about how the film is evil. Direct the megaphone at anyone attempting to enter.
“FATHER PINK! DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE MANAGER SAID THERE? HE SAID IT'S THE RACIEST FECKIN' FILM THEY'VE SHOWN SINCE THE BODYGUARD. HE SAYS HE'LL LET US IN HALF PRICE IF WE HURRY AND GET THE TICKETS NOW. THERE'S EVEN A SAINT'S FECKIN' NIPPLE AND EVERYTHING!”
“FATHER RED.”
“YES?”
“ME FECKIN' MEGAPHONE'S STILL ON.”
“OH RIGHT THEN.”
“So... it's really racy, eh? Let's g-arg eh! Father Veridian! Would you feckin' well stop that shite you wee feckin' bastard? THAT'S MY FECKIN' CASSOCK YOU BIG EEJIT!”
Quote from: Father Veridian
Wear the nearest respectful clothes of my profession. Tell the rest I'll bring the Holy Water and begin blessing the cinema -- starting with the audio equipment and ending with the audio equipment....”Oh right so. I er... I didn't think you'd miss it. I er... well... shall we go in and watch the fillim then?”
"I'll make sure they listen to our word, for it is the word of..."
“Yeah, quick, before Bishop Lennan turns up and kicks us in the feckin' bollocks... Here, Mr O'Distin. Two clergyman concessionary tickets and one nudist, please.”
Twelve more villagers have turned up to watch the matinee showing of the film having heard of the film's extreme raciness! The priests have entered the cinema! They are watching the film! One priest is naked!
Film Factor: 2.5
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 19 (including 3 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Brown
Go around explaining that the filmmakers are attempting to rip off the people and put a stop to free pornography...”...so, Father Brown, tell me again. I could watch stuff just as dirty at home? For free?”
“Yes, Mr Donaldson, although I can't really condone that sort of thing you know. The church generally considers that kind of thing a bit of a sin, you know. The old er... self-molestation. That sort of shite.”
“And so... is watching this film a sin?”
“Well... yes, the Pope doesn't like it, you see, so, at least if you go home, you'll be sinning where we can't see you, eh?”
“Oh right then. Bye now, Father Brown. Come on, Mrs Jessop! No point paying for this shite!”
Quote from: Father Green
Post up posters at the circus and cinema about free food and alcohol (OF ALL KINDS) at the local parish....”OH SHITE!”
Just as Mr Donaldson and Mrs Jessop start wandering off home to investigate the free racy material Father Brown has promised is on offer on the internet, several dozen parishioners come storming down the lane towards Father Green and the cinema.
“DRINK!” some of them shout. “FECK!” add others. “ARSE!” scream more. “GIRLS!” conclude some of the more coherent ones as they pass the cinema. “Oh wait! Isn't that that racy film with all them feckin' girls in it? And the saint's feckin' nipple? Shite! I like some good feckin' feckin'! Come on, Mr O'Daley!”
The crowd trample Father Green to the ground on their way in.
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange hides in the queue, concealing the guitar beneath his robes! He loudly protests any attempt made to remove him from his spot!...”That's him!” comes a sudden shout. “That's the feckin' eejit that stole me feckin' guitar, the great feckin' gobshite, the one waving it in the air! Hey! Come here, yer great arsebiscuit!”
“Oh shite. Erm.”
“Father Orange,” asks the slightly out of breath police constable as he catches up with the robbed busker. “Did you steal this fecker's guitar?”
“Oh shite. Erm. Shite! Yes! I did! And the murders! I did the murders too! I mean oh shite. No! I didn't do the murders! Shite shite shite.”
“The what?! You're confessing to the Terrible Telephone Box Massacres? The spate of murders that's been unsolved for days? I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you down to the station, Father. A bit of mild theft is nothing to worry about for an upstanding clergyman like you, so it isn't, but a batch of twenty murders is a bit more serious now. Come along quietly please, Father Orange.”
“Oh shite.”
Two more villagers have turned up to watch the matinee showing of the film! Three have been persuaded away by Father Brown! Four have been enticed in by Father Green! Father Orange is being held at a local police station!
Film Factor: 1.75
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 13
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Blue
Position myself before the sign one of my colleagues placed before the entrance...."Feckin' bollocks," Father Blue scowls after the retreating car, "Miserable bastard hit me when I wasn't ready!"
So saying, Father Blue will fend off anyone attempting to move said sign with vague excuses about 'fumigation', 'construction work' and 'exorcisms' taking place within. If any manager-ly type shows up, shake the bastard down for five quid. In, er, "protest fees". This work is on-the-clock, dontcha know!
Father Blue ambles over to the large sheet of metal blocking the cinema entrance.
"Bloody good job on this sign, Father Purple! Like I always say to me flock, the best way t'feckin' protest is the most direct way!"
Just then the cinema manager appears!
“Oh, come on now, Fathers. What the feck’s this shite? You can’t put a sheet of feckin’ metal in front of me doors now, I’ll go out of feckin’ business. Can you not be moving it now please, Fathers?”
"I’m afraid we’ve got a er… we’ve got an exorcism going on inside there, Mr O’Funnell. Yep, that’s the one. An exorcism. Very dangerous to go inside now so it is. That’ll be five euros please."
”Oh right then. So er… what’s Father Purple doing, going inside and everything?”
"Oh right. Well. Father Purple’s an expert exorcist, you see, and er…"
”Oh right then.”
Quote from: Father Purple
Well, the sign worked. Tell my partners of my plan and change into my disguise. Head around the back, and walk into a storage room, looking for any film rolls containing a movie called 'The Room' Ugh. A horrid movie. Take three rolls and exit back to the front with them. Hopefully nobody noticed....Meanwhile, Father Purple heads round the back of the cinema and quickly gets undressed as soon as he thinks no one can see him. Changing into his disguise, he finds a storage room inside and searches through the piles of discarded film.
"Oh shite. The Room. Easily my favourite non-Catholic film. I’ll take the best bits."
Carrying several rolls of film out with him, the disguised Father Purple leaves the cinema to rejoin his fellow Fathers.
Quote from: Father Cyan
ACTIVATE PLAN A...Suddenly there’s a piercing and terrified scream.
Scream "Mandatory Hearing Test!" and activate the Mosquito alarm. When all adults hear nothing, look and act panicked. Then scream "Oh feckin' shite, it's that disease! GO TO THE DOCTORS NOW YER EEJITS!"
"Oh shite! I think it’s that’s feckin’ disease! Mandatory Hearing Test, by the power of our Lord!" shouts Father Cyan as he activiates his Mosquito alarm. "OH SHITE! I CAN’T HEAR A FECKING THING! Oh for the love of God, I think I’ve got that feckin’ awful disease! I’VE CAUGHT SOUTH HEBRIDEAN INTESTINAL TRACT EARWORMS! HELP! I NEED A FECKIN’ DOCTOR!"
Throwing his Mosquito alarm into the air, Father Cyan waves his arms wildly about and flees directly into the sheet of metal blocking the cinema entrance! It falls forward onto his face, knocking him flat underneath it! Suddenly a dozen panicked villagers run straight into the cinema, trampling right over the metal sheet!
”Help! Help! It’s that feckin’ South Hebridean Intestinal Tract Earworm disease! Oh shite! Help! Get indoors before it spreads! Someone call the Disease Extermination Auxiliary Department! Shite oh shite oh shite!”
Five more villagers have turned up to watch the matinee showing of the film! Father Cyan has been squashed! Eleven villagers are watching the film! The Disease Extermination Auxiliary Department has been called!
Film Factor: 1
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 11
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on August 30, 2012, 06:19:13 am
Episode Two, Turn Three: Naked Mass!
(http://www.narconews.com/images/wae_cropdestroy.jpg)
(http://www.narconews.com/images/wae_cropdestroy.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Pink
Megaphone in hand, proceed to disrupt the proceedings by continuing onward to the Liturgy of the Word and beyond! Mass loudly to ensure no one really sees the fillim!...”Verbum Dòmini,” starts Father Pink, Massing loudly with his megaphone and jumping onto the little stage in front of the big screen. “Dòminus vobìscum,” he continues, gesturing dramatically towards the watching crowd.
Quote from: Father Red
Well feck....Just then Father Red remembers what he’s here for and, smacking himself right in the feckin’ face, mounts his chair before climbing towards the screen and Father Pink like some kind of holy gibbon.
Remember what I am here for. Priestly facepalm. Climb the chairs! Wave my arms in front of the picture! Exorcise the entire damn room from sin so that they see that the film is the devil's work and all that!
“It’s the work of the devil!” he claims, waving his arms wildly at Father Pink and the screen behind him. “The work of the feckin’ devil and everything! There’s even a saint’s feckin’ nipple in it! Get thine evil the feck out of here, oh evil spirit of fillim!”
Quote from: Father Veridian
Find some respectable clothing, and excuse myself to inspect the film reels for any need of...help....But just then Father Veridian remembers what he’s here for, and sprints from the back of the room, leaping onto the stage and tackling Father Red to the floor.
“Let him say the Mass!” cries Father Veridian as he wrestles with Father Red. “Let him say the feckin’ Mass!”
Father Veridian is still entirely naked.
“Don’t interrupt the Mass! ‘Tis the work of a sinner who shalt be cast down by the Lord!”
Father Veridian gets to his feet and dashes over the short distance to Father Pink, his fully naked body casting a particularly racy silhouette on the silver screen. Father Red dazedly stands up in the full glare of the projector or whatever it is these days.
“Oi!” goes up a voice from the seats. “I can’t feckin’ see! Get yer feckin’ arse out of the picture!”
“No, Mr Robinson! I think this is one of the racy bits!”
Father Veridian snatches the megaphone from Father Pink’s Mass-giving hands and turns back to the now standing Father Red.
“DON’T INTERRUPT THE FECKIN’ MASS!” he shouts into the megaphone. “YER BIG FECKIN’ EEJIT! I THINK YOU NEED AN INSPECTION!”
Father Veridian pulls Father Red’s pants and trousers down and runs off down the centre aisle of the cinema with them, cackling into his megaphone as he goes.
“See, I told you, Mr Robinson!”
The villagers have generally greatly enjoyed the film! Two priests are naked! The audience file out, muttering about how excellent the racy bits were! Next turn the queueing will recommence!
Film Factor: 4
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 19 (including 3 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Brown
Damn my teammates and their unpriestly ways. I guess I'll have to get to the rescue....”So… er… officers… You know, you’ve made a TERRIBLE mistake,” says Father Brown in a hopefully unidentifiably squeaky voice. “Let’s just say my name… is Father Anonymous O’Tip Off, and I heard in confession this morning that the REAL Terrible Telephone Box Massacre Massacrer is hiding in the local cinema. Father Orange is innocent! It’s a feckin’ set up! Let him go, you big eejits, in the name of the Lord!”
Call the police and tell them the REAL Terrible Telephone Box Massacre Murderer is hiding in the local cinema - hopefully helping Father Orange escape in the process.
“Oh right then. Fair enough, Father er O’Tip Off. Bye now.”
Quote from: Father Green
Rally my comrades of the cloth and get our arses over to the projecting room or whatever the modern equivalent is. Cut the film or whatever it is these days...."Bugger!" realises Father Green. "Come on Fathers! We’ve got to get our feckin’ arses to the projecting room or whatever it is these days. You know, when I was a lad… oh, hang on. Father Orange? Father Orange?"
Totally distracted by Father Orange’s sudden disappearance, Father Green wanders off to the toilets inside the cinema to relieve himself.
Quote from: Father Orange
tldr; YEAAAAAAAAAH (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YMPAH67f4o)..."Oh shite. Oh shite. Oh bollocks,” retracts Father Orange.
"Alright, look, I know this looks pretty feckin' bad, but I swear on my feckin' lucky rosary that I did not commit those murders. But the gobshite who did was in my feckin' confessional, and said he hid way more bodies in that cinema! You better feckin' well get down there and shut down the theatre- get the CSI's in there and everything!”
“Just don't tell anyone I told you, I'm not supposed to talk about what goes on in Confession, you ken?"
”Oh right then. Well, that sounds plausible enough. In fact someone just called a few minutes ago to suggest the same thing, and he was a man of the cloth too, don’t you know. The word of two separate priests is pretty strong evidence, I have to admit. Ok, you can go, Father Orange. Perhaps we should go and take a look at this cinema, Sergeant O’Hanrahan?”
”I don’t know about that, Constable O’Drongo. I’ve heard there’s quite a morally repugnant film showing there at the moment. A saint’s feckin’ nipple and everything. I’m not sure I want to risk a fine upstanding young officer like you, no sir! I’ll go on me own. No wait. Why don’t the three of us go? It’ll be good training so it will.”
The villagers have generally enjoyed the film! The audience file out, muttering about how good the racy bits were! Next turn the queueing will recommence!
Film Factor: 2.25
Queuers: 3
Viewers: 13
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Cyan
Attempt to remove myself from under this feckin' metal. If successful, direct the disease extermination team in to the cinema. If unsuccessful, do the same, but slightly muffled....”That way! The South Hebridean Intestinal Tract Earworm outbreak is that way!” comes a muffled voice from somewhere around the entrance to the cinema.
“’Ere, lads, I think it’s this way!” says one of the biohazard-suited Disease Extermination Auxiliary Department members. “Come on, let’s go get that feckin’ disease! Let’s do some good! Ooh, careful, I think this metal sheet is covering a hole.”
The two dozen anti-disease workers carry their heavy equipment into the cinema, stomping and whistling as they go.
“Yep…” groans Father Cyan. “That way…”
Quote from: Father Blue
Father Blue struck a dramatic-yet-thoughtful pose as he considered his next action, then hitched up his cassock and sped inside....Hitching up his cassock, Father Blue speeds inside, rushes into the main room, and stands in front of the screen.
Go into the theatre, stand in front of the screen and loudly get everyone's attention. Then explain that the Disease Extermination Auxilary Department has just called me, making me aware that there is at least one person in this very cinema infected with the dreaded South Hebridean Intestinal Tract Earworm Disease.
Tell them how I managed to convince the DEAD not to simply purify the entire theatre with fire, and that I am going to try (at great risk to myself) to find the infected person before it can spread.
The primary triggers which cause the disease to become more contagious are MENTAL STIMULATION and LOOKING AT SCREENS, so advise them all to look away from that scandalous shite showing behind me.
Begin rigorous medical examination of the cinemagoers, checking them over before sending them on their way back to their families, telling them just how lucky they've been.
Alternately, if my fellow priests are already doing something to capitalize on the whole 'disease' thing, I will go find the projector room, find the technician and KICK 'IM RIGHT UP THE FECKIN' ARSE FOR SHOWING THIS TRASHY SHITE! And then, you know, 'purify' the film projector.
“Now, my children, I’ve got a very important-“
“Boo!” shouts a villager. “You’re getting in the way of the racy bits! Feck off! Boo!”
“Oh right then,” says Father Blue as he sits down in the nearest free seat, defeated.
He starts to watch intently. Is that a saint’s feckin’ nipple?! he wonders to himself.
Quote from: Father Purple
Go inside with the commoners, force my way into the projection room as priestily as possible, and swap the films in the commotion....But suddenly the racy bits vanish, and scenes of horribly mutilated bodies appear on screen!
Also, The Room is HORRIBLE.
“Ewwwwwww!” comes a voice. “Oh, feck off with this now! I want more saint’s nipple! What the feck is the feck with this feckin’ feck? Oh, come on Mrs O’Doily, I’m off. I’ve had enough of this shite!”
Just as Father Blue finishes vomiting down his cassock, he looks up to see two dozen men in biohazard suits rush into the room. The cinema manager rushes in after them.
“Oi, you great eejits! You haven’t paid! And the showing’s feckin’ well over now anyway, so all you feckers will have to wait till the afternoon showing! And no hats! You can’t where those biohazard hats in here son! Get the feck out with you! And you! Father Blue! You should be feckin’ ashamed! I know for a fact you haven’t paid, you great sweaty arsebiscuit!”
”Oh right. Yes. Sorry about that. I er…”
The villagers have generally enjoyed the film! The audience file out, muttering about how disappointing the racy bits were! Next turn the queueing will recommence!
Film Factor: 1
Queuers: 24
Viewers: 11
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on August 30, 2012, 06:21:18 am
. . .
It's a party!
Post by: Toaster on August 30, 2012, 09:14:16 am
Post by: monk12 on August 30, 2012, 10:26:09 am
The contest is to see who can fail the hardest, right?
Wait, you mean that isn't the stated goal? Aw crap.
Post by: Tiruin on August 30, 2012, 10:29:39 am
Also, we aren't winning to fail?
Great.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on August 30, 2012, 10:36:53 am
Get it?
Post by: lawastooshort on August 31, 2012, 03:33:03 am
People are still coming after those recent events?!
Nothing so racy has been shown since The Bodyguard, so yes.
The contest is to see who can fail the hardest, right?
It's not not called Roll to Competent Priest for nothing.
Could we know the total population of the three villages? Just for speculative fun?
The island and its six villages has a total estimated population of around 742. Small enough for gossip to spread like wildfire, large enough to have six priests and a sizeable Chinese community. And a milkman.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 01, 2012, 03:26:31 pm
Episode Two, Turn Four: Return of the Bishop!
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wBaqH8JOY6M/TinbBulyvLI/AAAAAAAAD9w/crbm7dcgXWU/s1600/bishopcappa.jpg)
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wBaqH8JOY6M/TinbBulyvLI/AAAAAAAAD9w/crbm7dcgXWU/s1600/bishopcappa.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Pink
Get clothes for my gobshite fellow priests, then preach at the person at the ticket booth until he leaves in shame for allowing people to see this smutty fillim....”Have you got any pants, Mr McArgity?” enquires Father Pink at the ticket booth. “You know, that was a rather good fillim there, from what I saw, but this feckin’ stupid pair of gobshite priests ruined it a bit for me. Could I have another ticket please?”
Quote from: Father Red
RETRIEVE PANTS FROM THAT EEJIT FECKER VERIDIAN...”Can I have me feckin’ pants, Father Veridian, you big gobshite? Father Veridian! Come back! You big feckin’ gobshite!”
THEN CONVINCE CINEMA OWNER HE NEEDS TO LEAVE POSTHASTE BECAUSE BISHOP LENNAN IS GOING TO PARK HIS BOOT RIGHT UP HIS FECKING ARSE. IF HE COMPLIES (OR IF HE DOES NOT), SUBSTITUTE RACY BITS WITH RICKROLL
“Oh, hello there, Father Red. Did you like the fillim? I heard a pair of priests might’ve disrupted it a little? Would you like another ticket perhaps?”
“Oh, hello there, Mr McArgity! A wonderful feckin’ fillim it was! I’d love another ticket please!”
“Ok Father. Perhaps you could on some feckin’ pants? Don’t want you… you know… disrupting the lady viewers, Father. Oh, hello there, Father Veridian. Erm. You’ve got no feckin’ pants.”
Quote from: Father Veridian
As the priests will follow me and try to cure my 'raving madness', explain that it was all part of the plan to bring in more of the flock....”Erm. Bye now, Mr McArgity. Sorry about that there, Father Red. All part of the plan, you see. Trying to get more of the flock in, or something. Oh look, I’ve got some pants!”
Then we show how the movie is...in its true colors.
Find suitable clothing for the occasion, perhaps try to keep in contact with the others?!
Father Veridian puts on Father Red’s pants and the pair wander outside to harangue the waiting crowd of villagers.
“Oh feck.”
“What’s that you say there, Father Veridian?”
Father Veridian points wordlessly to the bishopmobile parking outside the cinema. The window silently slides down. An angry head pokes out of the rear window.
“Oh feck. I’ve got no feckin’-“
“FATHER FECKIN’ RED! WHY IN THE FECKIN’ GOBSHITE HAVE YOU GOT NO FECKIN’ PANTS ON? OUTSIDE A FECKIN’ CINEMA OF ALL PLACES? YOU’RE GOING TO NEED A PLASTER CAST FOR YOUR FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS ONCE I’VE FINISHED FECKIN’ KICKING THE BUGGERS, YOU BIG FECKIN’ GOBSHITE!”
Bishop Lennan opens the car door and unbuckles his seat belt. He gets out and straightens up his cassock before starting over to the cinema entrance.
One priest is naked! A sizeable crowd has turned up to watch the afternoon showing! A bishop has appeared!
Film Factor: 4
Queuers: 24
Viewers: 21 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Brown
Inspired by Father Green's daring plan, Father Brown assaults the projector room to change the film to something less racy. Some sort of documentary, perhaps?...Taking advantage of the emptied cinema, Father Brown rushes to the projector room, kicks down the door, and finds the projector room entirely deserted. He finds a few reels entitled “The Passion of Saint Feckin' Fibulus” and swaps them with something a little more dull looking. ”Fully About Pandas” eh? he thinks to himself. Nothing to get the feckin' pulse unracing like a feckin' bunch of feckin' pandas, I'll be bound. Right, now time to have a nice cup of tea. Ooh, and maybe a digestive.
Father Brown wanders out of the projector room, leaving the stricken door hanging off its mostly busted hinges.
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange rushes back to the rectory to find whatever musical instrument he can before returning to the cinema!...Whilst Father Brown is engaged in highly illegal – although entirely justified – industrial sabotage, Father Orange is taking a more creative view of the problem. He rushes back to his rectory, realising that a banjolin is exactly what the situation calls for!
Quote from: Father Green
Do whatever Father Orange does, but happier....”And just what the feckin' feck do you feckin' well think you're feckin' well doing in MY feckin' rectory, you great big feckin' gobshite?!” shouts Father Orange. “And just what the feckin' feck is so feckin' amusing about my feckin' banjolin! Get your feckin' gobshite mitts off it, you great grinning moron! Go on! Feck off!”
“You feck off!”
“No you feck off!”
“You feck off!”
“You feck off first!”
“Ooh, you great big turd!”
“No you're a turd!”
“No you're a turd!”
“And you're a great big feckin' arse biscuit! Let go of Chantel! She's MINE!”
Suddenly a joyful tug of war centring around Father Orange's banjolin breaks out! Not a single priest present wishes to back down!
Back at the cinema, the industrious Father Brown is engaging in friendly small talk with the local parishioners.
No priests are naked! A considerable crowd has shown up to watch the film! The film has successfully been sabotaged!
Film Factor: 2.25
Queuers: 39
Viewers: 13
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Purple
Anyway, I begin performing Mass on top of a convenient stack of crates about the horrors of Porn and the Joys of a Good Thriller or Action Movie, preferably with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone in it....”In nomine Patris, et filii…” begins Father Purple, climbing to the top of a twenty foot tall stack of nearby crates. “Now, my children. You know what the good Lord said about these forrin films, I’m sure. They’re filth! Pure filth! If you watch them you’ll go to HELL! No sirs, what you need is a good proper IRISH fillim! Something with Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone in it! A good Christian fillim! Not this fillim! Another fillim! This fillim's feckin’ filth! A saint’s feckin’ nipple and everything!”
An interested murmur ripples through the crowd.
“Oh right then. And, erm, Gràtia Dòmini nostri Jesu Christi and stuff! Yea!”
Quote from: Father Cyan
Using his knowledge that all of the disease auxiliary department are partially-sighted, Father Cyan will escort those lovely fellows in hazard suits to those queuing, then tell them that this is the queue for those who have THE DISEASE. Then advise them to take the queues in to quarantine....”THE DISEASE!” comes a muffled voice from somewhere near the metal sheet by the cinema entrance. “The disease is RIFE amongst yon queuers! Take them to quarantine!”
“Oh right then. I suppose a few of them do look a bit ill. Come on, Mr Dilley! Let’s round up some of these feckers!”
“Awww… what about the saint’s feckin’ nipple?”
“Don’t you worry, Mr Dilley! We’ll come back this evening to… er... to make sure the disease is fully under control!”
As the biohazard suited Disease Extermination Auxiliary Department team start rounding up some of the sicker looking locals queuing to watch the film, Father Blue comes over to help Father Cyan.
Quote from: Father Blue
..."Hang in there, Father Cyan! I'll 'ave you right as feckin' rain in just a tick!" says Father Blue, rushing out to the rescue. He pauses to flick a piece of partially digested carrot from a crease in his cassock.
Father Blue will drag Father Cyan out from under the sign and faith-heal 'im! ...With a punch right in the face.
Aiming his airborne, punch-propelled body for the line of queueing cinemagoers if possible. The priesthood goes by very much a 'last-touched' rule, so any Shame points for the Unpriestly act of becoming a feckin' human wrecking ball shall be accrued to him.
Then it's time to go and loudly berate those in the queue for coming to see such vulgar entertainment. Be sure to let the bastards know just how ashamed they should be of 'emselves. TALK VERY LOUDLY.
“Right then, you big gobshite. Hold on tight!”
Father Blue bends down to grab hold of Father Cyan’s outstretched hand. He pulls as hard as he can!
“Oh feck. You’re really feckin’ stuck there, Father Cyan!”
“Mgngn! Pull harder, you feckin’ eejit!”
“Ooh. You feckin’ great gobshite! Don’t you call me a feckin’ eejit, you big hairy bollock! I’ll teach you, you-“
In his righteous anger Father Blue pulls too hard!
“Oh feck.”
Everything happens in a flash.
Father Blue pulls so hard he yanks Father Cyan right out, sending him flying at a tremendous speed over his shoulder at the same time as sending Father Blue flying forwards to the ground, smacking his forehead off the edge of the sheet of metal. He gets to his feet with blood pouring from his face.
Father Cyan flies violently towards the stack of crates serving as Father Purple’s altar, sending them tumbling to the ground, showering the waiting villagers with wooden crates, planks, and two foot long splinters of rotting wood. One of the villagers, pierced by a plank, falls to the floor, bleeding profusely as her neighbour begins to scream.
“Mrs O’Gerberty! Mrs O’Gerberty! Oh shite! She’s feckin’ well dead! You great big feckin’ eejit!”
Father Purple crashes to the ground twenty feet below, landing on one of the few surviving crates, bouncing off and breaking his arm on the pavement beneath him.
Just then Father Cyan picks himself up from the wreckage of the crates and walks over to Father Blue. He walks with a very noticeable limp.
“You great big feckin’ eejit. You feckin’ gobshite. You rancid shitey arsebiscuit.”
Father Cyan punches Father Blue right in the face!
Just then Mrs O’Gerberty’s neighbour punches Father Cyan right in the face!
“Murderer!”
A decent crowd has shown up to watch the film! Some have been led away by part of the Disease Extermination Auxiliary Department! One queuer has been slain in a fatal crate-based accident!
Film Factor: 1
Queuers: 25
Viewers: 11
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on September 04, 2012, 03:50:45 am
Episode Two, Turn Five: Personal Jesus!
(http://gulfnews.com/polopoly_fs/1.849148!/image/3661505594.jpg_gen/derivatives/box_475/3661505594.jpg)
(http://gulfnews.com/polopoly_fs/1.849148!/image/3661505594.jpg_gen/derivatives/box_475/3661505594.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Pink
Verbally berate any gobshites in line until they depart. This includes the Bishop if he acts to see the fillim!...”Oi! Yer great feckin’ gobshite! Yes! I’m talking to you, you big arsebiscuit of a gobshite! You! And you! Gobshites the lot of you!”
“Erm, Father Pink, could you er…”
“Oh hello there, Mr McArgity. YER GREAT FECKIN’ GOBSHITE! Oi you! Father Veridian! YOU FECKIN’ GOBHSITE! You! Mrs McScargill! You’re a gobshite, your husband’s a gobshite, and your gobshite baby daughter’s a total feckin’ gobshite too! Oh look everyone – look at that poncy gobshite in the fancy dress! You! Purple dress man! You great big feckin’ gobshite! Yes! You! You with the stupid hat! I said, YOU’RE A GREAT BIG FECKIN’ GOBSHI-ahhh feck. Oh shite. Bishop Lennan.”
Bishop Lennan starts running in a demonstrably angry manner towards Father Pink. He seems to have forgotten Father Red’s naked bollocks and his promised bollock-kicking.
Quote from: Father Viridian
Father Viridian interrupts the theatrics to announce the special arrival of the Bishop! He will also try to adjust the audio of the movie by doing so....”Ladies and gentlemen!” announces Father Viridian. “Please welcome… Buh-ishhhop Lennannnnnnn! Right, now, I’ve er… just got to er… I’m just adjusting the… Oh, I think it’s inside.”
As Bishop Lennan runs towards the entrance of the cinema, Father Viridian ducks inside to search out some kind of… adjusting… button or dial or… something. He finds one next to a panel marked “Sound” in the projector room. He turns it.
Quote from: Father Red
Get some pants. I don't care how as long as they are not involved with Bishop Lennan. Then prepare a megaphone, prepare a mass......Back outside, Bishop Lennan is now sprinting towards Father Pink, hollering something about splitting his gobshiting bollocks from end to end so they look like a Cheshire cat and how NO gobshiting gobshite of a gobshite mere PRIEST is going to call HIM a gobshite without getting his gobshiting arse kicked right to the gobshiting moon and then suddenly Father Red is rugby-tackling Bishop Lennan to the floor and ripping his trousers off in front of the queuing crowd of locals.
They tumble and wrestle like half naked members of the clergy might on a summer afternoon’s meadowy frolic until suddenly Bishop Lennan is sitting on Father Red’s chest, pinning the gobshite to the ground.
“I don’t know why the feck you are half naked, you stinking little arsebiscuit,” he says, quite quietly and calmly, for a bishop. “But I do know why I am half naked. I want my feckin’ trousers back, and I’m feckin’ well going to take them.”
Bishop Lennan punches Father Red right in the fecking face!
He tears his trousers out of Father Red’s grip, struggles to put them back on in some kind of slightly dignified manner, kicks Father Red right up the arse, and turns to walk back to his car.
Behind him the crowd start entering the cinema.
One priest is naked! The sound has been fiddled with! Father Red has a -1 Bishop’s Punch Penalty to next turn!
Film Factor: 4
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 73 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Green
Let go of the feckin' piece of gobshite and let the gobshite have his gobshite. Instead, go to the nearest phone, which is probably covered in gobshite, and call the CWL (Catholic Women League) or equivalent. Tell em' that I need them to go and picket the gobshite they call a cinema and not allow anyone in. Except for those of the cloth, that is....Meanwhile, in Father Orange’s rectory room, Father Green realises he doesn’t actually need a banjolin. He needs a League of Catholic Women!
“Here, you gobshite!” he cries to Father Orange. “Have your feckin’ piece of gobshite, you great gobshite! I need to use the gobshiting phone!”
He leaves the room, muttering something about “feckin’ gobshite” under his breath as he goes.
A minute later he walks back into the room, walks over to the corner, muttering something about “oh right so… gobshite”, picks up the phone, and dials.
“Hello? Is that the Rolly Island Catholic Women’s League? Yes… this is Father Green. I need some help with a bunch of gobshites…”
Quote from: Father Brown
Satisfied, Father Brown heads to the front of the theater and offers the queuers tea and biscuits, which he of course brought with him....Wondering where his comrades in protest have gone, Father Brown ambles amiably over to the front of the cinema and whips out his portable tea and biscuit station, which he starts pushing up and down the line of locals.
“Tea?” he asks. “Biscuits?”
“Ooh, yes please, Father!”
“You know, you really shouldn’t be seeing this type of film, you know. You might go to Hell.”
“Oh right then.”
“Biscuits?” repeats Father Brown. “Tea?”
A chorus of polite requests sounds along the line of villagers.
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange rushes back to the cinema (hopefully with his banjolin) and begins a sing-a-long to distract the parishioners from the movie! It's a little ditty he wrote himself, entitled "Yer a feckin' gobshite ye are!" Great fun at parties, big hit at the Church Lawn Fete. It can't fail!...Just then the chorus of polite tea-related requests is interrupted by the distinctive twangling intro of a banjolin maestro! It sounds like… no, it is Father Orange’s island-wide hit “Yer a feckin’ gobshite ye are!”
The song then continues with the designated feckin' gobshite leading the next verse, pointing at a new villager and making up words. The song goes until everyone has been reminded of their dirty sinful deeds as a feckin' gobshite, but it's alright because God forgives us and junk!
”Oh yer a feckin' gobshite,” comes the crooning voice of Rolly Island’s premier banjolin specialist. He dances past the line pointing at Mrs O’Craggity.
”Feckin' gobshites saith the Lord!
I'll send my only begotten Son
To save yer gobshite soul...rd!”
Father Orange stops in front of Mrs O’Craggity and delivers a nifty banjolin solo.
”Yes yer a feckin' gobshite Mrs O’Craggity,
A feckin' gobshite saith the Lord!
A good Christian likes forgiveness and all that shite,
And… er… praise be to Gawd!”
Being a relative newcomer and thus unfamiliar with the island’s folk traditions, Mrs O’Craggity punches Father Orange right in the feckin’ face. He crashes to the ground, smacking himself in the mouth with his banjolin.
Some of them stepping over the floored priest, the villagers start entering the cinema to watch the fillim.
No priests are naked! The Rolly Island Catholic Women’s League has been called! Tea and biscuits have been served! The film has successfully been sabotaged!
Film Factor: 2
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 65
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Purple
Father Purple begins swearing at Cyan for breaking his foot! Forget the civilian. Not before apologizing to the crown on Cyan's behalf, of course....”Yea!” preaches Father Purple. “Rocky Balboa is good; yon Father Cyan over there, on the other hand, is a feckin’ eejit, upon whom the wrath of God shall fall like a torrent of shitey arsebiscuits from a wretched heathen gobshite! Did not the son of God say thusly: thou shalt not break my feckin’ foot, you feckin’ gobshite? Did he not?! Verbum… um… Oh bollocks. How does it go?”
Now, this speech needs to be HEARD! Drag Blue up to the ROOF! We shall perform our mass on The Pleasures of Rocky Balboa there!
Quote from: Father Cyan
Say the following: “etc and so forth”..."Oh, Father Blue you feckin' gobshite, now look what you've done.” says Father Cyan “ALL RIGHT, YER GOBSHITES. That's right, I'm talking to you queuers for this shite film, the GOBSHITE OF A SAINT'S nipple. I'm a fecking murderer. Apparently I murdered someone. Anyone got a match? Pitchforks? Ah, thank you, Mr McNally. Now, anyone up for some good old mob violence? Chase me yer gobshite! Yes, you, Mr McNally. Yes, I know you've seen better days. NOW CHASE ME!"
And run off down the street, losing the gobshites as soon as possible.
As three dozen queuing Irishmen and women look on – each with a raised eyebrow that somehow seems to convey the words “what a feckin’ eejit” – Father Cyan sprints off down the street.
Mr McNally turns his rollator away from the cinema and shuffles after the running priest, one fist raised and shaking in the air.
“Come back, you great hairy bollock! Come here you gobshite, I’ll string you up and burn you meself, you little arsebiscuit!”
Quote from: Father Blue
Back away..."Oh bollocks Father Cyan, what've ye done now?!" cries Father Blue after his murderous comrade. He backs away from the crowd of raised eyebrows as fast as he can, his backward baby steps soon turning into an outright hundred metre sprint.slowlyrather bloody quickly.
Then nip down the road, borrow a great big picture of jesus from a discount shop or something.
Go back and re-enter cinema. If anyone asks, tell 'em I'm with those anti-disease chaps and am checkin' for infectiousness.
Then hang the picture on a wall, so all cinemagoers shall feel distinctly guilty for watching such immoral smut.
Father Blue will then defend the picture from anyone threatening to take it down, yelling something about 'blasphemy' before punchin' 'em in the face. And kickin' 'em up the arse for good measure.
Barely out of breath, he stops fifteen seconds later in front of some kind of discount shop or something as an idea comes to mind.
Leaping face first through the glass window of the shop front, he snatches the thirty foot inflatable Jesus in the display and turns and flees before the shop alarm even begins to ring.
"Don't feckin' worry,” he cries over his shoulder as he runs. “I'll return it, y'great big gobshite!"
With the inflatable Jesus stowed safely away over his shoulder, Father Blue storms into the cinema, shouting as he goes.
"Infections, infections!” he shouts, beginning to foam at the mouth with excitement. "You’ve all got gobshitin’ infections!”
The waiting crowd go wild.
Violent screaming and outraged cries of “Gobshite! Gobshite!” ring out as panic begins to spread.
“It’s Jesus! It’s the big Jesus!” shouts one of the villagers. “Burn’im!”
The line of queuing villagers suddenly stops queuing, and starts running as fast as their assorted mobility aids allow them, following Father Blue into the cinema. They stalk him through the corridors and up and down the stairs, past the ticket office and beyond the unisex toilets until they burst as one into the room where Father Blue is standing on the stage before the silver screen, one hand on his hip and the other on his thirty foot inflatable Jesus.
"Keep back, you herd of gobshites! Keep back or I’ll give you infections! This is a bad fillim, and inflatable Jesus shall judge you accordingly!”
“Get the fecker out!” comes a voice.
“We want to watch the smut without being judged!” comes another.
“Take down the Jesus!” comes a third.
"Keep the feck back, you big shits!” answers Father Blue.
One false move later and the crowd of parishioners moves forward like a tsunami of greying flesh and minds, hell-bent on destroying the inflatable Jesus who doth judge them so – and Father Blue too, if he stands in the way. They storm up the three steps to the stage.
Father Blue and inflatable Jesus stand firm.
"Get back! Get back you blasphemous gobshites! I cannot allow you to see a saint’s feckin’ nipple unjudged!!”
One villager makes his way to the top of the third step.
"You bastard gobshite!” cries Father Blue, punching the old man to the floor.
Another villager steps over the stricken pensioner and makes her way to the top of the third step.
"You defiler of Christ!” shouts the priest, kicking her in the arse till she crumples.
"You heathenous gobshites!” he wails, stripping off his cassock and tying it round his head.
A third villager ventures up the steps to remove Father Blue from in front of the screen.
Father Blue kicks the old man right in the feckin’ bollocks!
The old man lies on the floor, looking desperately up to see Father Blue grab inflatable Jesus by the feet, lift Him into the air, and starting bringing Him crashing down repeatedly on the villager’s head.
With just enough consciousness in him to see that his sacrifice has been worthwhile, the villager passes out from the pain!
Whilst Father Blue is fully occupied with beating the old man senseless with the thirty foot inflatable Jesus, the angry villagers storm up the steps, overwhelming the pious priest with sheer weight of numbers, pinning him and inflatable Jesus to the ground and trapping his arms with their Zimmer frames.
They drag him towards the fire exit. One kicks down the door and the others throw him out. The door slams behind Father Blue.
“Bring out the smut!”
The projector or whatever it is these days begins to whir into silvery action, accompanied by the hiss of a punctured inflatable object.
A muffled voice comes through the fire exit.
"You’re all going to Hell, you bastards!”
One queuer has been tricked away from the queue! One priest is slightly undressed!
Film Factor: 1
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 45
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: lawastooshort on September 05, 2012, 07:06:27 am
Episode Two, Turn Six: Feck, Arse 'n' Manslaughter!
(http://www.ewilkins.com/wilko/pics/picture7.jpg)
(http://www.ewilkins.com/wilko/pics/picture7.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Viridian
Chant the song of the mass, hopefully not like a subliminal message to the people!...As the opening credits of The Passion of St Feckin’ Fibulus flicker across Termonfeckin’s premier silver screen, so too does the silhouette of the village’s current premier Mass-giver.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii,” starts Father Viridian. Groans echo round the room.
“Et Spìritus Sancti,” he drones on.
“Feck off!” shouts a villager.
“Shut it, yer great eejit!” shouts another.
But Father Viridian is relentless!
“Gràtia Dòmini nostri Jesu Christi,” he continues. There is a sudden burst of snoring from somewhere near the back row! Just like my normal Masses… Father Viridian thinks to himself with pleasure.
Quote from: Father Red
Fashion pants from upper body garments. This is critical....Just as Father Viridian is about to conclude his, he has to admit to himself, particularly successful impromptu Mass, an entirely naked Father Red rushes up to Father Viridian with a look of terror in his eyes, and leaps onto the stage, tackling the poor priest over and sending him flying several feet into the air.
Then, when the fillim is showing, suddenly, madly look towards the exit, in terror, and then, epiphany, acting as if a monster was going to come in and all that. Flail around wildly and run around wildly and scream around wildly and preach around wildly, disregarding my own wellbeing and all that.
The two conjoined priests land and stagger backwards through the screen!
Boos echo round the room until one of the villagers cries out.
“Hey, hang on! This is one of them there racy bits! Look! I can see his nipple! Is he a saint? Oh wait! I can see the other one’s nipple too! Feckin’ shit! Oh shit. Shite! Is it meant to do that?! What's all that blood? Is that real?!”
Screaming randomly chosen phrases of Latin, Father Red savagely rips Father Viridian’s clothes into shreds, flailing around wildly as he flings the shreds of pant and cassock back into the audience, who begin to leave their seats to come and get a better view of the two naked wrestling priests.
Quote from: Father Pink
Procure a smoke bomb and smoke out the theater....But then, just as someone notices that the sound seems particularly low, and don’t you just hate these foreign artsy films that can’t feckin’ well get basic feckin’ production values right and even worse are these fillims that deliberately make it difficult because a film is ”art” and ”politics”, not mere entertainment, and some shite about walls or something, a desperate shriek rings out.
“Fire! Fire! Feckin’ fire! We’re all gonna bastard die!”
“No, no,” come the reassuring tones of Father Pink. “Don’t panic, my children! It’s just a feckin’ smoke bomb I let off to protect you all from the evil feckin’ vices of this gobshite fillim!”
“Oh right so.”
A few minutes pass, during which Father Pink joins the circle of cinemagoers enthusiastically watching Fathers Red and Viridian wrestle nakedly amidst the wreckage of the silver screen.
“Er no, but, Father Pink? If it’s just a feckin’ smoke bomb, what the feck are all these feckin’ flames doing filling the back of the room?”
Father Pink looks around.
A desperate shriek rings out.
“Fire! Fire! Feckin’ fire! SHIT! We’re all going to bastard die!”
As the fire spreads, mercilessly trapping nigh on a dozen
Several minutes later, the three priests stand outside watching the blazing cinema inferno, two of them naked and all three of them with smoke-blackened faces.
Mr McArgity walks over.
“Why, hello there, Fathers! Good to see you got out alive! Not like them other poor buggers. Apparently some feckin’ eejit thought a smoke bomb or some such would improve the fillim and then covered it with shreds of highly flammable fabric! Now I’m going to have to feckin’ well set up the marquee and portable projector for tonight’s showing! I might have to give a few refunds to the families of the departed too…”
Mr McArgity pauses to examine Father Red slightly more closely. He brings his hand to his mouth as he tries to stifle a retch.
“Jesus good God almighty, Father. I didn’t know you were Red all over! Oh shiting feck. Oh God.”
Mr McArgity gives up trying to stifle the retch and unleashes a torrent of gutspume all over the naked and horrifically burnt priest and what may or may not still be his crotch.
Father Red looks down, but his gaze is diverted before it reaches his crotch. He sees blood pouring from his chest.
“Oh God! Where the feck is me feckin’ nipple! Me feckin’ nipple! It came off in the feckin’ fire!”
Fathers Pink and Viridian desperately hold back their colleague as he tries to rush back into the burning building to save his severed nipple.
A Mass has been performed! Eleven villagers have been burnt to death! Two priests are naked!
Film Factor: 1.75
Queuers: 10
Viewers: 73 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Green
Head back to the cinema and find Father Brown entertaining the villagers and witness Father Orange's (the total piece of gobshite) failed performance. Seeing the villagers stepping over him to enter the cinema, Green will tell em' the truth of the little blockade: the movie is complete and utter bollocks. The saint's nipple is actually just a piece of cow lard and the whole plot is about the adventures of an underpaid and boring janitor who comments on paintings. Did I mention it was made by some indie neo-liberal enviromentalist studio?...In Ardglass’s local uniplex, Father Green steps over the total piece of gobshite Father Orange and marches purposefully into the cinema. Trying with little success to make himself heard over the opening credits which seem to involve a surprising quantity of pandas, he exhorts his flock to realise the truth.
“This fillim is complete and utter bollocks, my children! There’s no real saint’s nipple! It’s just a piece of feckin’ cow lard! There’s no real racy bits! It’s about a feckin’ janitor! A communist feckin’ janitor! Who just feckin’ well makes up a bunch of shite about some fancy gobshite paintings! You might not go to Hell if you watch this bag of shite, but you’ll never get back those wasted three hours of shite!”
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange enters the cinema and starts singing loudly, preventing anyone from enjoying whatever movie might be playing!...Father Green’s tirade is interrupted by a sudden burst of tuneless wailing coming from the other corner of the room.
“Oh come, all ye people!” sings Father Orange.
“Rejoice in yon nipple!
It will be coming pretty soon,
Along with racy bits…”
The crowd’s interest is piqued despite the images of pandas chewing bamboo now filling the screen.
“Oh sing, all ye nipples,
Many, many nipples,
For the pleasure of my flock,
We watch intently…”
Many of the seats are now technically empty, so enthusiastically are the villagers leaning forward off their chairs in anticipation.
“All hail, lovely nipples,
And even saintly buttocks!
The Racy Fillim Society,
Giveth this film five stars!”
“Bloody shite!” shouts an old man near the back. “Phwoar! Come on! Get to the nipples! Fast forward all this panda shite! Shit!”
Quote from: Naughty Father Brown
Barge into cinema, wrest away tea and biscuits from everyone...?...”No!” booms the commanding yet welcoming voice of Father Brown. “Step away from the nipples! And the tea! And the feckin' biscuits. ESPECIALLY THE FECKIN’ BISCUITS, YOU GREAT GOBSHITES!”
Father Brown wades into the overexcited crowd, fists pounding this way and that as he smashes delicate china tea cups out of people’s hands and kicks biscuits into the air. One woman protests: the priests headbutts her back into her chair.
“It’s for your own feckin’ good, you little shits! You’ll burn yourself if you spill it! There’s folks out there in more desperate need of tea than you!”
No priests are naked! The Rolly Island Catholic Women’s League has been called!
Film Factor: 1.75
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 65
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Purple
Father Purple will keep feckin' performing his Mass! It seems to be doing well......”Gratia vobis et pax a Deo Patre…”
Also, he will Urge the Feckin' Gobshite Cyan to perform with him! The Holiness MUST BE DOUBLED!
Standing outside the cinema of the village of Creggenbaun, Father Purple preaches uselessly to himself.
“Father Cyan? We should do this part together. In feckin’ harmony and such like. Father Cyan? Father Cyan? Shite. Lost the little bollock. Now, where was I?”
Quote from: Father Cyan
Losing the rather slow pensioner, Father Cyan shall burst in on account of "incredibly important priestly business” to do, run to the front, and say the following speech:... Just then Father Cyan runs past, apparently carrying a poor defencless pensioner above his head!
"etc and so on."
Saying that, Father Cyan grabs someone from the front row, pushes them to the floor and rips off 2 armrests, forming a cross. He then shouts some gobshite latin while performing a fake exorcism to distract or horrify the audience out of the cinema.
Bursting into the cinema, the priest throws the old man to the floor, kicks an old woman out of her seat, and begins ripping the vacated seat to pieces.
"Right. I'm afraid that, on account of the earlier DISEASE, this old man has been filled with the soul of the devil, and I shall now have to perform an exorcism!"
Father Cyan grabs the two armrests and begins horrifically beating the old man about the face and head with them!
“Verbum um gobshitium et feckum!”
The audience cheer.
Quote from: Father Blue
Form cassock into a makeshift rope and tie it to the fire escape's railing! (Adding my underclothes only if strictly necessary)...Suddenly Father Cyan’s exorcism is rudely interrupted by the sounds of shattering glass and hysterical wailing priest.
Burst through a window/wall/some shite with a dramatic yell, swingin' down in front of/through the screen!
"Verbum in fili Geroni-feckin'-moooooooooo!" cries Father Blue. "Feckin’ shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite!"
Jumping through a skylight, Father Blue dives straight towards the ground, his fall only slightly cushioned by Father Cyan and the old man.
Father Blue is entirely naked!
One priest is entirely naked! One priest is slightly undressed! Father Blue has a -1 Broken Limb penalty for next turn! Father Cyan has a -1 Broken Limb penalty for next turn! Mr McNally has a -1 Broken Limb penalty for next turn!
Film Factor: 1.25
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 45
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on September 05, 2012, 10:51:58 pm
Post by: Tiruin on September 06, 2012, 03:36:32 am
Noooooooo!
Post by: lawastooshort on September 07, 2012, 03:27:36 am
Episode Two, Turn Seven: Bishop Lennan and the Hat Molester.
(http://guy.com/a/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Friendly-Gus-2.jpg)
(http://guy.com/a/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Friendly-Gus-2.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Viridian
Get Daddy Red off of me! Find some better clothes that I can borrow at the time!..."You heretical feckin'-..." cries Father Viridian, presumably at Father Red, still desperately trying to wrestle himself free and retrieve his severed nipple from the blazing cinema.
BEGIN ANNOUNCING A FIRE HAS STARTED AND HELP PEOPLES OUT OF THE THEATRE! OR USE THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER!
He suddenly notices his naked knee is touching Father Red’s naked thigh.
"Arg! Feckin’ well get away from me you naked gobshite!!" he screams. "I need some feckin’ pants! Fire! Fire!"
Picking up the nearby fire extinguisher, he nudely rushes across the street to what seems to be a second hand charity shop, launches the extinguisher through the window, and climbs in through the resulting hole.
He proceeds to loot a fine set of clothes!
Quote from: Father Red
RIP Nipple. Ye shall be missed....”Feck off, you feckin’… fecker!” articulates the grief-stricken Father Red, shouting after the fleeing Father Viridian. “I’m not feckin’ naked!” He looks down again. “Oh right then.”
Then, pants. Failing that, a loincloth. Get some. Can't be that fecking hard.
Then, seeing as I look particularily saintly right now, convince the queuing crowd that the end of all times is nigh and that the pub's prices are currently halved. And will not stay that way for very long.
He looks up again a minute later to see the fully dressed Father Viridian exiting a nearby shop through its smashed window.
“You’re not feckin’ naked though!” he cries, as an idea forms in his pain-demented mind.
Father Red charges towards Father Viridian, smashes him to the floor, rips off his clothes, and fashions a crude loincloth from the remains before proceeding to dance up and down the line of queuing villagers screaming about the end times and the nearest pub’s half price happy hour.
Many of the queuers have only recently come from the nearest pub’s half price happy hour, and seem remarkably ready to return to it.
Quote from: Father Pink
Perform a funeral mass for the dearly departed right in the way of the set up of the portable screen....As his colleagues-in-protest fight over who is the nakedest, Father Pink has a sudden fit of conscience, and decides to perform his priestly duties.
“Yea!” he begins, in front of the portable screen and right next to the queuers. “For these poor sinners did see this smutty fillim, “The Passion of St Feckin’ Fibulus,” and thusly in sin did they pass unto the blazing feckin’ inferno, literally, of Hell. Feck! Yea! And though they be dearly departed, let it not be forgotten that they were SINNERS, and that they burnt in HELL, for the sin of having watched this SMUTTY fillim! And beware that this same fate does not befall us also, and heed God’s warning not to see this kind of shite!”
Worried murmurs spread through the waiting queue. Mrs O’Jenkin’s even leaves her place and wanders home!
“And let it not be forgotten, that the only reason these poor sinners did die like screaming pigs and then consequently go to HELL for ALL ETERNITY was because of YOU! Because you wanted to watch the disgrace of a saint’s feckin’ NIPPLE!”
Mrs Rannigan passes out from the guilt, her head cracking open on the pavement.
“And yea! Should ye watch this feckin’ fillim, even in a gobshitin’ tent, I wouldn’t be terribly surprised to see YOU burn like a bonfire! But I won’t see ye in Hell. No! BECAUSE I WON’T BE GOING THERE! BUT YOU WILL!”
A small girl collapses from the fear, blood pouring from her ears.
Father Pink watches on with a strong sense of self-satisfaction.
One priest is naked! One priest is wearing only a loincloth! Ten villagers have gone to the pub!
Film Factor: 1.50
Queuers: 23
Viewers: 73 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Brown
Go outside to serve the tea and biscuits to the hopefully soon-to-be-arriving Rolly Island Catholic Women's League! Those fine women deserve them more than the eejits inside....In the village of Ardglass, Father Brown is preparing his tea trolley outside the local cinema. He has to provide appropriate hospitality for the soon-to-be-arriving Rolly Island Catholic Women's League! He sees them coming round the corner! There’s hundreds of them!
"Oh shite!" he cries. "We need more tea! Me tea trolley cannae take it!"
Quote from: Father Green
Oh shite. They feckin' ruined my tirade. MY TIRADE!...But just as Father Brown is getting his first tea cup ready and polished, Father Green runs out of the cinema wielding Father Orange, twirling the unfortunate priest about his head and smashing him right into Father Brown’s face. He knocks Father Brown sideways into his tea trolley!
Grab both Orange and Brown, thump and slam their faces together, and beat them out of the cinema, all the while reminding the viewers that the movie is utter shite and that they're better off watchin' some priests beat each other at the local parish church.
Father Brown falls to the floor, his tea urn collapsing on top of him and horribly scalding his groin.
Still being twirled about by his feet, Father Orange decides now is the right time to break out his banjolin and offer up his happy place song about sheep and flocks and all that shite.
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange will whip out his trusty banjolin and sing a happy little song about sheep and flocks and Jesus and stuff, leading the...”Sheep! And FLOCKS!” he sings, every few words noticeably louder as his rotation brings him closer to the listening villagers and newly arrived but sorely unrefreshed Women’s League.queersuh, people in line away from the cinema in a manner not unlike the Pied Piper!
“Unto JESUS ye shall be thrown!
And your cinematic type sins shall be KNOWN!
But we can be HAPPY!
Like the BABY Jesus in his nappy!
In the manger WITH the sheep!”
“Oh, shut up with that shite, Father Orange, you big arsebiscuit. We should be explaining to these lovely parishioners that this fillim is a big bag of bollocks and that perhaps they wouldn’t prefer to watch a bunch of priests beat themselves off down the church. Come now, Father Orange, really.”
“Oh no, no!” shout the assembled Women’s League. “We love all this moronic kind of shite! Oh wait Mrs O’Grady. Don’t you mean bubonic? You know, that shite in the meadows and all that. Anyway, Father Brown, we love this bunch of bollocks, so we do! Come on now, Father Orange! Sing louder!”
“Erm. Ok right so. And er happy sheep!
YON shepherd is nigh and er…”
“Oh come on, Father Green. You should put the poor fecker down, so you should!”
“Oh right then.”
“Flocking with JESUS and stuff,
For yea, all YOUR sins are not enough,
Or are too much,
And if you do not repent He shall treat you rouuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhharrrrg!”
Suddenly Father Green puts the poor fecker down, flinging him directly away from the cinema!
“Come on chaps!” shouts the Women’s League. “Come on Mrs McDoherty! Come now, Mr O’Guire! Let’s all go and listen to Father Orange’s holy banjolin!”
No priests are naked! One crotch is burnt! 8 villagers have been piedpipered away!
Film Factor: 1.75
Queuers: 25
Viewers: 65
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Purple
Father Purple will try o hang his gigantic metal sign back up again....Outside the village cinema of Creggenbaun, Bishop Lennan drives up in his bishopmobile to see Father Purple struggling hopelessly with an enormous sheet of metal.
Once that's done and feckin' over with, find a way to help Blue and Cyan. Somehow.
“WHAT THE FECKIN’ FECK DO YOU FECKIN’ WELL THINK YOU’RE FECKIN’ WELL DOING, YOU USELESS FECKIN’ FECKER?”
“I… er…”
“YOU’RE MEANT TO BE PROTESTING AGAINST THIS GOBSHITIN’ FILLIM, NOT FECKIN’ DOING DIY!”
Suddenly a gust of wind blows by, knocking Father Purple to the ground with the sheet of metal covering him almost completely.
“YOU’RE LUCKY I DON’T TEAR OFF YOUR BOLLOCKS, YOU BIG GOBSHITE. NOW, WHERE THE FECK ARE YOUR TWO INCOMPETENT HALFWIT COLLEAGUES?”
Bishop Lennan storms off into the cinema, stomping over the metal sheet on his way. He soon finds Fathers Cyan and Blue.
Quote from: Father Cyan
Punch feckin' Father Blue in the face for being such a gobshite, then attempt to take Mr McNally with me to the church to "perform an exorcism", trying to persuade a crowd to come with me....”FATHER CYAN. YOU LITTLE SHITE. YOU’RE MEANT TO BE PROTESTING AGAINST THIS GOBSHITIN’ FILLIM, NOT FECKIN’ PUNCHING THAT GOBSHITE FATHER BLUE IN THE FECKIN’ FACE, HOWEVER UNDERSTANDABLE A DESIRE IT MAY BE. BUT YOU’RE PRIESTS! YOU HAVE TO CONTROL YOURSELF! YOU CAN’T JUST PUNCH ANYBODY! HEY! COME BACK YOU FECKER! AND PUT THAT FECKIN’ OLD MAN DOWN!”
As Father Cyan tries to escape, Bishop Lennan kicks him right up the feckin’ arse, sending him sprawling to the floor with the hatless Mr McNally collapsed right on top of him.
Quote from: Father Blue
He winces, dusts himself off,... "Er, whoops," Father Blue mumbles, attempting to pick himself up off the floor. "Sorry about that, Father Cyan! I thought these cassocks'd be made of stronger feckin' stuff..."snatchesborrows Mr McNally's hat to preserve what's left of his modesty, and aids Father Cyan in whatever he's doing. (Got to make it up to him after, you know, landing on him.) Unless, of course, what Father Cyan's doing happens to involve inflicting bodily harm on Father Blue. In which case he'll punch the fecker right in the gob. And then salvage his cassock.
Just as Father Blue steals Mr McNally’s hat and starts rubbing it over his naked crotch, Father Cyan punches his rival priest to the ground before hoisting the innocent villager onto his shoulders and fleeing straight into the path of Bishop Lennan who kicks him right up the feckin’ arse.
Bishop Lennan is momentarily becalmed, stunned by the sudden appearance of a hat-molesting naked priest.
Blessed with this unexpected and very temporary reprieve, Father Blue jinks past Bishop Lennan over to Father Cyan. Pinned down by the fallen Mr McNally, Father Cyan is unable to resist as Father Blue bends over to punch him right in the gob and start ripping off his cassock.
One priest is entirely naked! Another priest is increasingly naked!
Film Factor: 1.25
Queuers: 29
Viewers: 45
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on September 07, 2012, 09:18:50 am
Post by: Tiruin on September 07, 2012, 09:33:16 am
NOT THE CHILDREN! D:
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 07, 2012, 10:09:10 am
Post by: monk12 on September 07, 2012, 02:18:55 pm
...Is it bad that I'm only reading my group's stuff for now?
Well, you're missing out on the hilarity occurring in my group. Assuming that isn't your group, in which case you're missing out of the hilarity of the other groups.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 07, 2012, 02:30:22 pm
Six sixes? No ones? Did you change dice?
I have to admit I was also
...Is it bad that I'm only reading my group's stuff for now?
Well, you're missing out on the hilarity occurring in my group. Assuming that isn't your group, in which case you're missing out of the hilarity of the other groups.
That's very nice to hear :) There is, generally, something quite bad or incompetent happening in each team each turn, I think.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 07, 2012, 02:43:27 pm
...Is it bad that I'm only reading my group's stuff for now?
Well, you're missing out on the hilarity occurring in my group. Assuming that isn't your group, in which case you're missing out of the hilarity of the other groups.
I'm only reading ours FOR NOW. Once the true game starts, I'll go back and read the others'
Post by: Tiruin on September 07, 2012, 02:49:34 pm
...Is it bad that I'm only reading my group's stuff for now?
Well, you're missing out on the hilarity occurring in my group. Assuming that isn't your group, in which case you're missing out of the hilarity of the other groups.
I'm only reading ours FOR NOW. Once the true game starts, I'll go back and read the others'
Mmm. Very interesting.
So you think you're part of those who would pass into the next phase judging by your wording there.
Mmmmm, very interesting indeed.
/me nods sagely.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 10, 2012, 12:19:26 pm
But, with a last turn of film showing, individual priests can affect their own chances, so I am considering ending the Episode at the end of Turn 9.
Whereas another turn of hapless incompetence and unwitting destruction would be enjoyable, it is hard work tying together 3x3 actions.
Whereas Episode Three starting sooner would be enjoyable, I have to fine tune the mechanics for it anyway. It's gonna be about hairy babies, I think.
If anyone has any thoughts I'll totally listen to them.
edit: right well I'll probably go for the one extra turn of incompetence then.
Post by: monk12 on September 10, 2012, 08:49:40 pm
....wait
Post by: lawastooshort on September 11, 2012, 03:44:17 am
Episode Two, Turn Eight: Life Bollocks on Mars!
(http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090920134114/finaldestination/images/a/af/TruckFromHell.jpg)
(http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090920134114/finaldestination/images/a/af/TruckFromHell.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Viridian
Find a decent set of clothes that I CAN WEAR that anyone doesn't own! This does mean that it is befitting of my position!...As a burning evening sun dries the skies above the cinema in the lovely and bucolic village of Termonfeckin, on the otherwise eternally windswept and grey, cold, and featureless – except for the many fascinating outcrops of rocks in the field behind the parochial house of Ardglass – island of Rolly Island, Father Viridian is searching about desperately – and, it should be pointed out, for it explains his desperation, nakedly – for a free – and befitting of his position as a vital and determined clergyman! – set of clothes and, even though he believes, in a moment of weakness, that he’ll never reach the end of either his search or this sentence, eventually he finds an old but relatively decent cassock, in a nearby skip, strangely enough.
AND THEN CONSECRATE THE THEATRE!
He looks shiftily about and then grabs it, hastily throwing it over his nakedness. He feels the Lord shine on him from above, and decides to consecrate the theatre.
Quote from: Father Red
Continue with the saintly preaching around. Explain in great detail why these queuing eejits would not want to see a saint's fecking nipple, make references to my current condition, use faux latin and the fact that a thunderstorm is about to brew - as holy visions have shown me - and the film is supposed to be shown outside....”Roll up! Roll up! You great big eejits! There’s a saint’s fecking nipple on show and it’s a lovely feckin’ evening! Come on chums! It’s the most beautiful saint’s fecking nipple you’ve ever seen! Terribly racy so it is!”
“Oh, come on, you great feckin’ eejit. You’re attracting the locals, you daft gobshite!”
Quote from: Father Pink
Corral my fellow priests, dress them in a priestly manner, and get them to mass with me....”Right, you bastards!” shouts Father Pink, interrupting Father Red’s surprisingly competent drumming up of interest in The Passion of St Feckin’ Fibulus and stopping Father Viridian’s consecration before he can even get started. “We’ve got a problem, and we’re priests. There’s only one thing for it. WE NEED TO DO A FECKIN’ MASS!”
Punching Father Red right in the feckin’ face, Father Pink kneels down to hoist him over his shoulder before running over to the suddenly and surprisingly dressed Father Viridian, kicking him up the arse until he collapses to the ground, and hoists his second victim over his second shoulder. Dashing over to a nearby table, Father Pink plants both priests firmly on the ground and clears his throat with considerable authority.
“In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii,” starts Father Pink. “Come on, yer feckin’ gobshites,” he continues, turning very briefly to his two colleagues. He elbows Father Viridian in the ribs.
“Oh right so. Erm. Gràtia Dòmini nostri Jesu Christi and er, all that.”
“Come on, you big bollock!” encourages Father Pink, kicking Father Red in the side of the ankle.
“Oh yes. The erm Dòminus vobìscum and er, did you see the saint’s nipple and stuff?”
“Shut it about that feckin’ nipple” shouts Father Pink, oblivious to the nearby microphone that a passing wellwisher has turned on. “Erm, I mean, ut apti simus,” he carries on, turning back to the growing crowd.
“Mea maxima culpa,” he announces in a priestly three person harmony. A few cheers and a prolonged applause break out from the back of the waiting villagers, many of whom now seem more interested in listening to Father Pink’s awesome Mass than in seeing that stupid gobshite of a fillim with fake nipples and all that shite in it.
“Totally perdùcat nos ad vitam aetèrnam, man.”
An old man walking his dog passes by, staring at the transfixing holy trio as he goes. He walks, head sideways, into a lamp post. Blood spurts out horizontally.
“Praecèptis salutàribus mòniti,“ shouts Father Pink, really getting into his stride, waving his arms about and uplifting the waiting ex-cinemagoers.
“Da nobis hòdie,” he spits, spreading his terrifying liquid charisma across the massing multitude. He begins to wave his arms in excitement, and feels the breath of the Lord upon him as his flock mirror his arm movements and begin to chant in religious ecstasy.
“Et dimitte nobis debita nostra, sicut et nos dimìttimus et oh feckin’ shite OH SHITE FECKIN’ RUN!”
Suddenly a passing lorry driver is totally distracted by the best three-priest Mass he’s ever witnessed! He stares and he stares as he drives towards the impromptu altar set up by the cinema, winding his windows down to better hear the marvellous preaching.
He passes out from the Mass!
He drives his lorry straight into the impromptu altar!
There’s a tremendous explosion!
A Mass has been performed! A truck has exploded! A considerable number of innocent Mass-goers have been slain! The marquee is on fire!
Film Factor: 2.50
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 102 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Brown
That's it. Retrieve my drugged tea and biscuits from where I left them and spread them amongst the queuers....In the more peaceful village of Ardglass, Father Brown’s tea trolley is reaching critical mass as the groinally burnt Father tries to relieve the hundreds of Catholic Women’s League ladies all at once.
His feet begin to ache as he runs up and down the line of women, distributing his delicious tea to each and every one with a kind word and a friendly wink. Suddenly he realises: “Oh shite! I’m a feckin’ priest, and I have a feckin’ problem! There’s only one feckin’ thing for it! I need me drugged tea and biscuits!” he cries, reaching into his cassock pockets.
Quote from: Father Green
While Orange is keeping a few viewers occupied, tell whoever is giving out tickets that the thing about the saint's nipple ain't playing no more and that he should tell everyone who asks that they'e only got a panda documentary to watch....Meanwhile, Father Green is deep in hushed conversation with the box office cashier
“You know, that… dirty fillim with the nipple… the saint’s feckin’ nipple… the gaffer says it’s not being shown anymore and stuff… doesn’t want to bring the wrath of God down upon ye all, like that other cinema in Termonfeckin. You know, all that shite.”
“Oh right then. Erm.”
“Yes – apparently yer only showing that shite about the pandas and all that.”
“The panda’s nipple?”
“Erm. No.”
As the first few disappointed queuers turn away, suddenly a cry of alarm goes up.
“Quick! Help! Mrs O’Bennett has passed out!”
Before anyone can react there’s another shout.
“Shiting feck! Mrs McBiscuit has fainted! God has cursed us all for wanting to see the nipple of the feckin’ saint!”
Murmurs of panic go up and down the line of remaining would-be cinemagoers.
“We’re cursed! It’s a sign! It’s the fillim! Feck! Arse! Shite!”
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange thoughtfully twangs his banjolin, trying to decide on a singalong that will occupy his audience for the duration of the film. B-I-B-L-E or C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N or G-O-B-S-H-I-T-E, one o' those repeaty spelling songs, maybe. Catholic ladies love that Bible School shite. Oooh, wait, a medley will surely last for the whole length of the film!...Just as a plague of acute unconsciousness and viral panic seems to be on the verge of breaking out, a sudden twang of banjo announces an important decision. Father Orange has decided on the well known Irish folk spelling song C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N-B-I-B-L-E-G-O-B-S-H-I-T-E as the best song to distract the masses from the cinematographic promised land of a saint’s feckin’ nipple!
I am a C! he begins.
There is an indistinct jeering sound from the crowd.
I am a C-H!
”Oh right so. I see.”
I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N!
And I have C-H-R-I-S-T in my H-E-A-R-T
and I will L-I-V-E E-T-E-R-N-A-L-L-Y
”Hang on, that doesn’t feckin’ rhyme you great eejit!”
The B-I-B-L-E
Yes, that's the book for me
I stand alone on the Word of God
The B-I-B-L-E
Applause breaks out at the improved rhyming and Father Orange busts out a lengthy banjolin solo.
Yes, I am a G-O-B
S-H-I-T and E
I don’t like saint’s nipples ‘cause I’m not fickle
And the Lord stands over me!
Several young ladies near the front of the mob of villagers begin to swoon and scream.
Christian Bible Gobshite
F-E and C and K
If you don’t like my song you’ll all go to Hell
And I can send you there today!
A soiled pair of panties flies through the air, landing square on Father Orange’s forehead.
A-R-S and E
B-I-S-C-U-I-T
If you want to be saved, you’ll have to come
And sing along with me!
Suddenly the barriers holding back the crowd of screaming teenage girls crash down, and they swarm upon Father Orange like a vast herd of lustful piranhas. Tearing with their teeth and grabbing with their claws, the mob begin frantically ripping Father Orange’s cassock to shreds, desperate for one last souvenir of their new-found hero and idol before he falls, buried beneath several hundred pounds of lovingly flung soiled panty.
When the girls are done, no banjolin sounds, and there is but a muffled cry and a protruding arm to show that, where there is now a mountain of soiled panties, there was once a devoted priest.
One priest is naked! One crotch is burnt! Father Orange has a -1 Soiled Panty Incident Penalty to next turn!
Film Factor: 1.75
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 92
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Purple
Attempt to put the sheet back up one last time, before running into the Box office and stealing all the tickets!...Back in Creggenbaun, meanwhile, Father Purple has just managed to ram his great big metal sheet against the entrance, blocking the cashier in the ticket booth and his co-priests in the cinema. He tries to reach his arm around the large obstruction and into the ticket booth, blindly feeling around with his hand for the remaining tickets.
Run around with them in hand, hopefully dropping them in some sort of fire.
He persists for a minute or two before there’s a sudden scream of repulsion from behind the metal sheet.
Father Purple’s face turns very white.
Quote from: Father Cyan
Surprise hulk smash Blue off of me, and timidly protest against the film at the front, claiming something a lot more scandalous is happening outside, under a metal sheet....”Oh hello there, Bishop Lennan!” says Father Cyan, weakly trying to shrug off the pensioner lying hatless on top of him. “Erm, we’re priests and all that, and there’s a terrible feckin’ problem outside. There’s only one thing for it, we need a feckin’ bishop!”
“SHUT IT, YOU GREAT GOBSHITE!"
Quote from: Father Blue
..."Oh, uh… hello Bishop! Don't mind me, just changin' into somethin' more feckin' appropriate for protesting. I have to say, would it be much of a stretch of th' feckin' budget to get some sturdier feckin' cassocks? Bloody things aren't too good multi-purpose-wise, y'know."
I will fashion Father Cyan's cassock into a natty loincloth, thus preserving my modesty! Then return Mr McNoodle's hat! Then use a spare piece of fabric to block out any naughty bits on the screen! Avoid face-punches and arse-kicks, responding with interest! If anybody asks, blame the English!!
Father Blue shouts over his shoulder to the no-doubt upset cinemagoers, "Can't 'ave you corruptin' yer innocent little minds with this kind've bollocks, now, can I?"
“FECKIN’ CASSOCKS? MULTI-FECKIN-PURPOSE? YOUR FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS ARE MULTI-FECKIN’-PURPOSE YOU BIG EEJIT! THEY CAN FECKIN’ WELL BE KICKED WITH MY RIGHT FECKIN’ FOOT AND WITH MY LEFT FECKIN’ FOOT. WHICH FECKIN’ FOOT DO YOU FECKIN’ WELL WANT?”
"I'm doin' this fer your own feckin' good, you know," stupidly continues Father Blue. "I er… don’t um," he concludes, realising who he’s speaking to. "I uh… feck"
“MY OWN G… MY… You horrific great feckin’ arsebiscuit, Blue. I’m gonna kick your bollocks off so feckin’ hard you won’t be getting them back till there’s a manned feckin’ mission to Mars! YOU NAKED FECKIN’ GOBSHITE!”
Back outside the cinema, where Father Purple is whimpering in a corner trying to forget what he just enjoyed a good minute or two vigorously fondling, a good swathe of queuing villagers is suddenly cut down by a viciously sharp sheet of flying metal accompanied by a rather naked priest.
A rather angry bishop soon follows.
”AND IF YOU FECK UP AGAIN, YOU FECKIN’ FECKER, THERE’S PLENTY MORE KICKS UP THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS WHERE THAT ONE CAME FROM!”
One priest is entirely naked! Father Blue has a -1 Bollocks on Mars Penalty next turn!
Film Factor: 1.25
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 94
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: micelus on September 11, 2012, 07:09:01 am
Post by: lawastooshort on September 11, 2012, 07:15:25 am
Why's Father Pink being assaulted by nubile young females in Ardglass?
Thank you! Only caught one mix up in the first edit... Oops.
Also, just to make it clear: all the viewers have entered their respective cinemas, or what remains of them, to watch the fillim now, for the last time. This is, in effect, a pointless turn teamwise, but individualwise you could still totally ruin your score by somehow killing or molesting dozens of innocent people.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 12, 2012, 06:31:20 am
Episode Two, Turn Nine: The Reckoning.
(http://www.kingstonguardian.co.uk/resources/images/2042670/?type=articleLandscape)
(http://www.kingstonguardian.co.uk/resources/images/2042670/?type=articleLandscape)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Quote from: Father Viridian
Usher everyone to a safer location from the flames, especially the children!...In the mainly burning village of Termonfeckin, beside the smoking pile of rubble which used to be the village cinema, right next to the burning tent which in turn used to, rather briefly, be the village cinema, Father Viridian is clearly trying to redeem himself in the eyes of his Maker.
USE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER TO HELP OR CALL THE LOCAL AUTHORITIES!
If feasible, go chant along the way!
Also, bless the place, using the natural fire as an aide.
That or warm himself up after nearly an entire day of nudity.
Rushing over to the ransacked charity shop to fetch the fire extinguisher he left there, Father Viridian dashes back to the rising flames, spewing foam into the inferno before wading in himself to save the women and children, chanting praises to the Lord as he does so.
"Judicium Dei! Fire! Fire!"
But what’s this?!
Quote from: Father Red
Tamper with the viewer register so that the names of approximately fifteen viewers today conveniently vanish from the list....As Father Viridian shepherds his flock safely out of the raging doom-tent, he comes face to face with Father Red, herding them back in by means of violent stick-based beating!
If that action is too meta, remove the same number of viewers from the cinema by means of stick and carrot and stick and well-placed bribes. Did I mention the stick?
Even the women!
Even the children!
Screams of burning terror and fear fill the air along with the acrid smoke, until suddenly out dashes a burning pensioner, her hair a torrent of hairspray fuelled napalm horror. She punches Father Red right in the face! He falls to the ground, whereupon she kicks him right in the feckin’ bollocks! He curls into protective ball, so she kicks him right up the arse!
The old woman drops her burning wig on the grovelling priest and turns to her fellow pensioner.
“Come on, Mrs O’Flemmerty, I’ve had enough of this shite. Not a saint’s feckin’ nipple in sight. Let's feck off.”
Quote from: Father Pink
Call up Bishop Lennan and explain to him the merits of three-priest masses and using funeral masses of sinners to scare people into doing right by the Lord....As the elderly pair leave, they pass a rather excited looking Father Pink, waving his arms about frantically in a nearby telephone cabin. Partially comprehensible shouts escape the glass box. Having heard about these modern telephone cabin exhibitionists, and having been deprived of their racy fillim smut, the old women stand and watch in hope.
“And then, then we could feckin’ well tell them about HELL, and all of that shite, and explain that all the burnt sinners were burnt because they were going to HELL and they SINNED, AND because they were bunch of feckin’ gobshites so they were, and, you know, it was NOTHING to do with me so it wasn’t, I wasn’t even there, wait, I was, I was there protesting against the fillim, you know, but I didn’t burn the poor children so I didn’t, and then, you know, I think it would be a better use of our priestly resources, going forward, to have three-priest Masses and all that, because it righteously INTIMIDATES the congregation, and enables more priests at once to talk about HELL, and, you know, they feckin’ deserved it, so they did, the sinners I burnt alive in the church there, and I didn’t do it on purpose, but if I had’ve done, well, I’d feckin’ well burn them again, the sinning little GOBSHITES, and I wouldn’t feckin’ stop there, no sir, Bishop Lennan, I’d feckin’ well kick off their sinner’s bollocks and I’d burn them too! And then I’d… oh, hello there Mrs McFlanagan! Hello Mrs O’Flemmerty! What the feck are you staring at there. Just er… just erm telling the Bishop about this dream I had, or some shite like that! Er. Feck off!”
Nothing of note has happened this turn! Although a priest has confessed to manslaughter!
Film Factor: 2.50
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 102 (including 5 priests)
The Village of Ardglass...
Quote from: Father Brown
Knowing his fellow priests, Father Brown takes his drugged tea and biscuits and sneakily offers the others some to stop them from causing any more trouble...In the non-burning village of Ardglass, in the aftermath of a veritable tsunami of screaming nubile young ladies, Father Brown is taking stock of a day’s successful protest. He looks at his colleagues. He looks at his “special” refreshments. He reflects on his fellow priests’ levels of competence. He remembers the plague of fainting his “special” refreshments recently induced. He grabs a pot of tea and a handful of biscuits.
Quote from: Father Green
Just head in the cinema, and while everyone is enjoying pandas, keep reminding the viewers that there aren't any saint's nipples around here...maybe they should go check a cinema somewhere else on the island?...”This is a bag of shite!” shouts Father Green, loudly.
“Shh!” comes a reply. “The pandas are going to get racy and become saints and show their nipples and all of that bollocks!”
“No! Bag of shite! Shite! Perhaps at anot-“
Father Green is interrupted by a rather loud thumping sound. The sound, in fact, of Father Brown rushing into the cinema, smashing Father Green off his seat with his teapot, and pouring crumbled biscuits and scorching tea down his throat, drugging him into dribbling unconsciousness before he can cause any more harm.
Father Brown struggles to get Father Green back into his seat and then walks off in search of Father Orange.
Quote from: Father Orange
Father Orange searches for something to hide his nakedness before fleeing back to the rectory!...It doesn’t take long for Father Brown to find Father Orange!
For lo! There he is, Father Orange, running extremely nakedly into the cinema full of eager viewers, holding his arms before him greedily carrying a substantial pile of soiled panties!
Suddenly he trips! And stumbles! And falls! And staggers nakedly into the seated Mrs O’Hanagan, collapsing on top of her like some kind of drunken nudist molester panty-fiend, showering soiled panties into the air and over the assembled local populace!
Screams of delight are quickly turned into screams of scandal and disgust as the villagers realise they are in the company of other villagers. The ninety parishioners turn angrily to express their repulsion when Father Orange opens his mouth to apologise. Father Brown quickly strikes, pouring tea and biscuit crumbs down his fat open gobshitin’ gob before smacking him round the face with the teapot, hoisting him onto his shoulder, and fleeing as fast as he can from the angry mob.
Running into the nearest toilets, Father Brown throws the now unconscious and soiled-panty-less Father Orange through a cubicle door and to the floor at the feet of Mrs McFinnegan. Father Brown dashes back to the theatre room to calm down the angry mob via the application of teapot and drugged beverage.
The appearance of a naked and drooling priest during her evacuation séance seems rather to disconcert Mrs McFinnegan. She passes out from the scandal, falling sideways off the toilet seat and smashing her head open on the side of the cubicle.
One priest is naked!
Film Factor: 1.75
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 92
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Quote from: Father Cyan
Father Cyan takes advantage of the moment, and kicks Bishop Lennan so hard in the bollocks that they join Father Blue's....”FATHER PINK. CALM THE FECK DOWN. YOU SAY YOU DID WHAT NOW?! WHAT THE FECK ARE YOU BURNING PEOPLE TO DEATH FOR? I DON’T CARE IF THEY SINNED, WE’RE IN THE TWENTIETH FECKING CENTURY NOW, WE CAN’T BE SEE-ARRRRRRG!”
Suddenly, leaping out from behind, Father Cyan kicks Bishop Lennan right in the bollocks so feckin’ hard that it is bound to have some very, very severe consequences at some point.
Quote from: Father Purple
Father Purple drags Both of his fellow priests into the theatre, and performs mass with them in front of the screen....But just then, as Bishop Lennan turns round to confront his assailant and deliver some very, very severe consequences to the face, Father Purple appears, knocking Father Cyan to the floor and attempting to drag him away.
Include much swearing.
“FATHER FECKIN’ PURPLE. DID YOU JUST FECKIN’ WELL KICK ME IN THE BOLLOCKS? DID YOU JUST FECKIN’ WELL FECKIN’ KICK ME IN THE FECKIN' BOLLOCKS?”
“Er no sir! I was just doing a feckin’ Mass so I was, o great Bishop Lennan and all that shite! Feckin’ verbum er deum uh FECKIN’ SHITE!”
Father Purple briefly leans down to whisper something into Father Cyan’s ear.
“I,” he says, very quietly and slowly, “Am going to feckin’ well kick your bollocks off. You’ll never see them again. I’m going to kick your bollocks off so feckin’ hard that they’ll leave the atmosphere and burn up on reentry. I’m going to kick your bollocks off so feckin’ hard that th-arhrhghr!”
Quote from: Father Blue
Do something totally non-dangerous and stuff....Suddenly Father Blue cartwheels nakedly and danglingly through the cinema exit, landing with panache on top of Father Purple.
He looks up nudely.
“Oh right so. Hello there, Bishop Lennan. Just er… just um… oh shite.”
One priest is entirely naked! One priest has kicked Bishop Lennan in the bollocks! He might well live to regret it!
Film Factor: 1.25
Queuers: 0
Viewers: 94
Spoiler: GM Notes. Oh, and the results and all that shite (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on September 12, 2012, 06:50:30 am
Alright, masks down, who are you all? :P
Post by: Toaster on September 12, 2012, 07:40:37 am
Also, how'd we end up with a +0 and a -0? Some form of pointless tiebreaker?
Post by: lawastooshort on September 12, 2012, 07:46:49 am
Also, how'd we end up with a +0 and a -0? Some form of pointless tiebreaker?
Yep. -0 failed harder than +0.
Anyone want to reveal themselves, or shall I go straight on and post up Episode Three Turn Zero?
Post by: Toaster on September 12, 2012, 08:32:28 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 12, 2012, 10:10:21 am
Wait, Toaster, were you already out? Because I was going to guess you were Father Blue...
Post by: Tiruin on September 12, 2012, 10:23:19 am
I thought Tiruin was Viridian due to his preference for that color, but it sure feels like it's Monk.Oh um, yeeeeees. Let's go with that. :3
Who in the world is Father Red? [Not Geen, probably Greenstarfanatic?] Bad stroke of luck I see in the past turns. Father Pink could be micelus, while I'm betting my whole obviousness that Father Purple is Digital.
Father Cyan//Teal must be someone who AFK'd during the time in which the actions were taken from #bay12rtd...perhaps Spaghetti7 or...Errol?
I'm betting Father Brown is Toaster due to the rationality of actions. Father Blue must be Yoink or someone who knows them memetics (punch yon snout!)...
And I'm all out. :P
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 12, 2012, 10:28:36 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 12, 2012, 10:37:04 am
I like people guessing!
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 12, 2012, 10:39:26 am
Post by: monk12 on September 12, 2012, 11:02:11 am
Props to Cyan, kicking the Bishop in the bollocks and getting away with it. Living the dream, man.
Post by: Spaghetti7 on September 12, 2012, 11:03:25 am
And yeah, I'm Cyan. I thought I'd get bonus points for kicking him in the testes, but maybe not. ;D
Post by: Tiruin on September 12, 2012, 11:09:43 am
Feck! If yer taking the final four, I was fifth. Feck. :D
And yeah, I'm Cyan. I thought I'd get bonus points for kicking him in the testes, but maybe not. ;D
I knew it, you fecker!
And, yes Toaster, I'm Father Viridian.
Yet (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=114431.msg3506900#msg3506900) I'm still telling the truth, because I'm not Father Veridian. It was a typo! :P
Red, tell us yer name!
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 12, 2012, 11:25:28 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 12, 2012, 11:54:04 am
And I wasn't doing too bad. Until the Bishop showed up.
...How many people did I kill, exactly?
Post by: monk12 on September 12, 2012, 12:07:08 pm
I am not Purple, either!
I like people guessing!
You didn't confess to manslaughter, did you?
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 12, 2012, 12:11:16 pm
Post by: Errol on September 12, 2012, 01:02:46 pm
But hell, I have nobody to blame but myself for choosing The Unlucky as priest class. :P
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on September 12, 2012, 01:23:37 pm
As Father Red, I have to say that it was a nice ride except that I rolled like six ones this time around. :-\ It's probably poetic justice for placing first in the first round.
But hell, I have nobody to blame but myself for choosing The Unlucky as priest class. :P
Hey, I didn't do TOO badly with it.
Post by: Toaster on September 12, 2012, 01:26:45 pm
As Father Red, I have to say that it was a nice ride except that I rolled like six ones this time around. :-\ It's probably poetic justice for placing first in the first round.
And, yes Toaster, I'm Father Viridian.
So you're the Nudie Bros!
I'm betting Father Brown is Toaster due to the rationality of actions. Father Blue must be Yoink or someone who knows them memetics (punch yon snout!)...
I may calm and rational in Mafia, but that doesn't apply (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=101114.msg3208098#msg3208098) in the RTD forum.
Also, I claim credit for the greatest jump in points- from dead last to barely squeaking in.
I'm surprised no one connected theater arson with my earlier suggestion (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=114431.msg3552404#msg3552404) to that nature. Hell, even my PM commented on it:
I should get an honorable mention for calling the Bishop a gobshite and living to tell the tale.
Also, time for Plan B.
Procure a smoke bomb and smoke out the theater.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 12, 2012, 01:27:39 pm
Post by: monk12 on September 12, 2012, 01:39:56 pm
The best class is the Host. Which, yes, means that your priest is possessed by a demon from the foulest pits of hell.
Ah, you must be Father Brown then!
And I turned in a poor individual performance- winning team gets 12 POPs, and I finished with 10 :P I'd like to think my banjolin concert did a good job helping the team win, though, even if it did end in my nudification.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 12, 2012, 01:53:49 pm
...Tiruin, I am not rational? Whaaat? How dare you.
Anyway, moving on... top of the scoreboard and second on the first turn's scoreboard. I am the bestest priest. Now to keep this up.
Post by: Tiruin on September 12, 2012, 01:56:38 pm
I'm afraid it is so. Though in this game it's safe to say all the priests are possessed.I never said you weren't. I said Brown was :P
...Tiruin, I am not rational? Whaaat? How dare you.
Let's just say I had nothing to do with it. Really.Hail Brother Fire! XDAs Father Red, I have to say that it was a nice ride except that I rolled like six ones this time around. :-\ It's probably poetic justice for placing first in the first round.And, yes Toaster, I'm Father Viridian.
So you're the Nudie Bros!
Well, looking forward to the next episode from la!
I hear...it's going to be a blast. [/evillaughhere]
Post by: lawastooshort on September 12, 2012, 02:48:00 pm
Episode Three: Hairy Babies
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llvcbbmpuS1qd30kpo1_500.jpg)
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_llvcbbmpuS1qd30kpo1_500.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
”RIGHT. YOU’RE A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT GOBSHITES AND I HATE YOU ALL. YOU WERE MEANT TO PROTEST AGAINST THE FECKIN’ SIN OF A FILLIM, NOT MAKE IT THE MOST SUCCESSFUL FILLIM ON THE ISLAND SINCE THAT BOLLOCKS WITH THE SHIP AND THE SEA AND THE WAILING BINT AND ALL THAT SHITE. YOU, YOU, AND YOU,” shouts Bishop Lennan, pointing to a selection of the least competent priests on Rolly Island, ”FECKIN’ WELL FECK OFF BACK TO THE FECKIN’ RECTORY, YOU WORTHLESS FECKIN’ FECKERS.”
Bishop Lennan pauses to sigh rather over-dramatically.
”So. That leaves me with a bit of a dilemma. I’ve got a feckin’ problem, and I’ve only got you four gobshitin’ Latin-monkeys that I can trust to open a front door without causing some kind of fatal explosion or nudity-based priest-scandal. Arsebiscuits.”
The bishop walks over to a flipchart and flips over a sheet, revealing a collage of baby photos underneath.
”Now. You’ll notice something a bit feckin’ odd with these feckin’ babies. No,” he continues, motioning for Father Dick to stop waving his arm. ”It’s not that they’re all entrants in Rolly Island’s Lovely Baby Competition. They are, and I came back just earlier from judging it. But it’s not that. IT’S ALL THE FECKIN’ HAIR ON THEM. WE’VE GOT AN OUTBREAK OF HAIRY FECKIN’ BABIES, AND I WANT YOU TO DISCRETELY FIND THE HAIRY FECKIN’ BABY-MAKER! We can’t have another scandal like this on the island. Either we’ve got a feckin’ werewolf on the loose or we’ve got a very feckin’ hairy ladies’ man sowing some very feckin’ hairy oats. Either way, we need to put a stop to it.”
”Ok. I want one of you gobshites to take control of this mish- er task and to report directly to me. Any volunteers?”
Spoiler: Episode Three Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: POPs (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on September 12, 2012, 02:51:33 pm
Post by: Toaster on September 12, 2012, 02:55:45 pm
Spoiler: Reveals (click to show/hide)
That just leaves Blue and Green. I'm going to guess Yoink is Blue, since his actions tend toward the wordy, meaning Micelus is Green by process of elimination.
Post by: monk12 on September 12, 2012, 02:59:08 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on September 12, 2012, 03:14:19 pm
Episode Three, Turn One: Right So.
(http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~warden/craggy/phouse.jpg)
(http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~warden/craggy/phouse.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
In the parochial house of the village of Termonfeckin, four priests are seated round a fireplace. They all hold cups of tea, recently brought forth by the attendant housekeeper, and they all stare purposefully at a collage of photos on the low table before them.
“Right so,” begins Father Lars. “I’ve made a decision. We need a feckin’ plan. What the feck shall we do? You know, did you notice anything odd about Mrs O’Riley today, Father Reilly? Did she not, you know, look kind of different this morning?”
Suddenly a horribly over-made up Mrs O’Riley, the housekeeper, walks into the room, tops up the priests’ cups of tea, places a brick in the centre of the floor, looks out the window, and dashes back out to the kitchen with a hysterical shriek, slamming the door firmly behind her.
“No, Father Lars. Nothing unusual comes to mind. Now, about these hairy feckin’ babies…”
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on September 12, 2012, 03:53:27 pm
Post by: Toaster on September 12, 2012, 04:04:18 pm
Post by: micelus on September 12, 2012, 10:18:30 pm
Post by: Yoink on September 12, 2012, 11:41:02 pm
Post by: Toaster on September 13, 2012, 12:04:03 am
Post by: micelus on September 13, 2012, 01:19:25 am
Post by: lawastooshort on September 13, 2012, 02:51:05 am
Or we might just get ten turns of trying to arrange Mass ending in some tragic accident. Which would be fine.
Post by: Toaster on September 13, 2012, 08:06:00 am
"I suppose. What say Dick, Digital, and I get ourselves a mass on the telly, and you, Reilly, set up some sort of confessional? If you want to hand out hairy baby gobshite monk school tickets while you're at it, knock yourself out."
"What say you, Father Digital?"
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 13, 2012, 08:13:40 am
'Oh well. Tea and biscuits, anyone?'
Post by: Toaster on September 13, 2012, 08:22:16 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 13, 2012, 08:27:20 am
Post by: lawastooshort on September 13, 2012, 09:14:55 am
I'd suggest in the Turn One case where some planning is in order, a long turn for discussion is ideal.
I entirely agree. I wasn't going to say anything, I just got itchy fingers and slipped. But that's what you get when you have a thorough selection process to determine the elite priests: planning
Edit: edited for accuracy.
Post by: Yoink on September 13, 2012, 10:50:25 am
The Four Priests in: The Case of the Hairy Baby Maker!
Rated: PFN for Priest's Feckin' Nipples!))
Post by: Tiruin on September 13, 2012, 10:59:17 am
I'd suggest in the Turn One case where some planning is in order, a long turn for discussion is ideal.
I entirely agree. I wasn't going to say anything, I just got itchy fingers and slipped. But that's what you get when you have a thorough selection process to determine the elite priests: planning, competence, and achievement!
((Or just damn good rolls! :P
Go team! Loving the dialogue))
Post by: Toaster on September 13, 2012, 11:27:06 am
But that's what you get when you have a thorough selection process to determine the elite priests: planning, competence, and achievement!
And arson. Don't forget the arson.
Post by: monk12 on September 13, 2012, 11:28:15 am
Sound like a plan, then?"
Post by: micelus on September 14, 2012, 12:53:41 am
Post by: Toaster on September 14, 2012, 07:49:22 am
Head with Father Dick to the local TV station to perform a Mass against promiscuity. Mention the confessional Reilly is setting up.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 14, 2012, 09:39:23 am
Post by: micelus on September 14, 2012, 05:47:22 pm
Post by: monk12 on September 14, 2012, 08:27:40 pm
Operation Mass Media is go!
Post by: Toaster on September 14, 2012, 08:48:12 pm
Operation Mass Media is go!
i c wut u did ther
Post by: lawastooshort on September 18, 2012, 09:18:10 am
Episode Three, Turn Two: There’s No Way This...
(http://donaldwoodard.tv/db4/00400/donaldwoodard.tv/_uimages/Queenopeninaudience.jpg)
(http://donaldwoodard.tv/db4/00400/donaldwoodard.tv/_uimages/Queenopeninaudience.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Set up a discreet confessional in the middle of town. Preferably in dark, cramped room. Put a few posters around town inviting people to the confessional.
…In the parochial house of the village of Termonfeckin, Father Reilly is hard at work, deep in the creative phase of the poster campaign that will shortly announce his special confessional to the pious parishioners on the island.
“Preachin’ About Promiscuity...? Babies Are Bad…? Feck. Brothers Against Promiscuity? Hmm. Brothers Against Promiscuous Sins? Promisc… Perverts…? Hmm, yes. Feckin’ perverts, the lot of ‘em.”
Father Reilly leans forward to draw carefully in marker pen on a large sheet of paper on the floor before him and sits up to admire his work.
(http://tnypic.net/b3983.png)
“Mrs O’Riley?” he shouts. “Could you do me 100 copies of me poster do you think?”
“Ok so, Father Reilly. Do you want to post it under the doorway? Or do you think you might be coming out of the bathroom there?”
“Coming out? But it’s… oh right. I’m locked in the feckin’ bathroom. Again. And there’s no shitin’ paper left. Shite.”
Father Brown wanders off to find a hairy babies expert. Or possibly a werewolf one.
…“So,” whispers Father Brown out the side of his mouth, leaning conspiratorially over the bar and his half empty glass. “Have you seen any werewolves? Or, you know, abnormally hairy babies in general? Would you er… would you like any tea? I haven’t, you know, got any, but er…”
“Hairy babies, Father Brown? Werewolves? Have you been drinking, Father?” wonders Mr O’Malley, the barman. “Well, you know, more than normal? You know, Mr McCustard over there, he’s pretty hairy – why don’t you go and ask him if he’s a feckin’ werewolf, yer daft eejit! Oh wait Father, look, there’s some priest or something on the telly – that looks like your kind of thing so it does!”
“Oh right so. Would you turn the fecker up, Mr O’Malley?”
“Oh no, Father Brown, I can’t do that, it’s lunchtime, I don’t want to be scaring off the regulars. I’ll put the subtitles on – I don’t think anyone really wants to listen to this kind of shite.”
Head with Father Dick to the local TV station to perform a Mass against promiscuity. Mention the confessional Reilly is setting up.
…"Righto," says Father Lars, as the director signals he’s going live. "Erm. Right. " He clears his throat with a certain flamboyant yet priestly je ne sais quoi and begins.
"So you know, people, I’ve come to Mr O’Draig Live Over Lunch to give you all a nice good Mass, a Mass about the dangers of promiscuity. Promiscuity is bad, ok?"
“And er,” asks Mr O’Draig, “I hear you’ve brought along your very own promiscuous priest to show us as an example? You know, of the dangers of promiscuity? Is that right, Father? Have you been suffering from the dangers of promiscuity? Have you been getting, you know, a bit of the old feckerty snap? A bit of the old, you know, sweaty badger dance? You know, a bit of the old cupid’s crotch bur-”
"No, I haven’t brought along me very own promiscuous feckin’ priest, yer dirty gobshite. I’ve brought along Father Dick, to-"
“Is that what you call it now, eh, Father? Yer little Father Dick? Are you going to show us-”
"No, Father Dick is me feckin’ colleague here, you big dim-witted eejit – he’s here to help me with the Mass, so he is…"
“Oh right so. Erm. Go ahead then, Father.”
Operation Mass Media is go!
…"Et cum spiritu tuo…"
“Well, feck. He’s Massing the absolute feckin’ bollocks out of that crowd there. They can barely stand, he’s Massing them so hard. Well feckin’ done, Father Lars. Can I have another pint there, Mr O’Malley?”
“There you go, Father. Ooh, look, is that your friend Father Dick on the old television there as well? Should he not be wearing his cassock, you know, being on official priest business and all that? And, you know, should he not like be keeping his feckin’ pants on and all that? Father Brown? Should he not be, you know, even slightly dressed or something?”
“Oh feck.”
“Or, you know, is he demonstrating the dangers of promiscuity, or something, in like, a practical kind of way? You know, by tackling Father Lars to the floor there, whilst he’s entirely naked? Oh blimey, is that… are those his… should he be… Blimey, he is! What’s he running about for? Waving it all about like that? Is that part of the Mass do you think, Father Brown? Chasing that old lady like that? Is that staged, do you think Father Brown? With all those security guards and all that?”
A televised Mass has been performed! Island-wide guilt has been increased! One priest is trapped in the toilet! One priest is naked!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on September 18, 2012, 09:39:26 am
Get my feckin' clothes and head to the nearest confessional, ready to hear the sins of the island!
Post by: Toaster on September 18, 2012, 10:41:45 am
Assist Green with getting out of the bathroom/setting up the confessional.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 19, 2012, 08:46:47 am
'So,' Father Brown says, sitting down and leaning over the table. He lets a moment of uneasy silence pass. 'Would you care for some tea and biscuits? Yes? Well, too bad. You can't have any. Now, tell me everything you know about the epidemic of hairy babies overtaking our fair land.'
Father Brown says this and slams his fist down for emphasis. Interrogatin' time.
Post by: micelus on September 19, 2012, 02:40:08 pm
Once I have the posters, use an appropriate amount for cleaning my dirty bits, and then count how many are left. Replace used posters with more discreet versions.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 20, 2012, 08:43:14 am
Episode Three, Turn Three: The Big Hairy Gobshite.
(http://tnypic.net/c12b9.png)
(http://tnypic.net/c12b9.png)
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Get my feckin' clothes and head to the nearest confessional, ready to hear the sins of the island!
…”Err.. quite,” says Father Brown, watching Father Dick live and naked on Channel Rolly Island. His fellow priest is frantically trying to beat off a posse of security guards intent on subduing him and, indeed, covering him up.
”You know, it's probably some kind of gobshite imposter, trying to sully the good feckin’ name of the priesthood. Probably sent by the parents of hairy feckin’ babies. Be sure to spread the word,” finishes Father Brown as Father Dick disappears off the side of the screen, dragged away by a pair of guards with oversized truncheons. The camera briefly cuts to a naked man lying face down on the floor in an empty corridor. A navy blue suited man is sitting on his back.
Father Brown says this and slams his fist down for emphasis. Interrogatin' time.
…”Definitely some kind of feckin’ imposter,” says Father Brown, glancing back up at the television. ”So then… I’ll bring you a nice cup of tea next time, Mr O’Malley?” he finishes, waddling over to the hairy Mr McCustard nursing a pint of stout in the corner.
”So, you big hairy gobshite,” he says, sitting down and leaning over at Mr McCustard’s table. He lets a moment of uneasy silence pass. ”Would you care for some tea and biscuits? Yes? Well, too bad. You can't feckin’ have any, because you’re a gobshite. Now, tell me everything you know about the epidemic of hairy babies overtaking our fair land.”
“Hairy babies Father? I think you’re talking a big bag of shite there, Father Brown,” replies Mr McCustard, twirling his sideburns with menacing intent. “I haven’t seen any hairy feckin’ babies around here, and even if I had, I don’t see what it would have to do with me!”
”Well,” says Father Brown. ”Well, all I’m saying is that we seem to have a lot of hairy feckin’ babies recently, and that perhaps the hairy feckin’ baby maker had better be a bit more feckin’ careful, if you catch me feckin’ drift!”
“I think I catch your feckin’ drift, Father. I think you’re feckin’ well advocating some form of contraception or something, Father. Is that what you’re feckin’ well sayin’? Is it? Perhaps your old Bishop there might like to hear about that, eh? Or the feckin’ Pope?! How about that then, Father? Eh?”
”I er… I… I um… Feck off!”
“You ain’t got nothing on me, Father! I’m the fastest milkman in the west, so I am, and you’ll have to get up very early in the morning to catch me at it, Father, very early in the morning indeed! Now if you don’t mind, I’ve feckin’ well got milk to finish delivering, you big feckin’ gobshite!”
Once I have the posters, use an appropriate amount for cleaning my dirty bits, and then count how many are left. Replace used posters with more discreet versions.
…"Yeah, slide em' under the door dear," shouts Father Reilly, keen to finish up in the bathroom.
Suddenly a strange shuffling noise comes from just outside the door, and Father Reilly leaps up in terrified surprise, dashing forward several feet before realising his trousers are round his ankles, tripping over them, and flying forward through the nearby window, shattering it and falling dirt-streaked and half undressed to the ground thirty feet below.
Assist Green with getting out of the bathroom/setting up the confessional.
…”Er… hello there, Father Reilly? Are you in here?” shouts Father Lars, finally busting the door open and bursting into the bathroom. “Erm, Father Reilly? Shite me, it’s rather feckin’ cold in here.”
Suddenly, as Father Lars walks over to investigate the broken window, a gust of wind blows through the bathroom, slamming the door shut!
“Oh shite,” he realises, walking back over to open the shut door. “It’s shitin’ well locked.”
One priest is trapped in the toilet! One priest is naked! One priest has a -1 Injuries Penalty to next turn!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on September 20, 2012, 11:23:27 am
Fill self with the Holy Spirit to bust down the door. Go help Reilly not be naked and incompetent and a big stupid gobshite.
Post by: monk12 on September 20, 2012, 02:45:05 pm
TO THE CONFESSIONAL! AGAIN!
Post by: micelus on September 20, 2012, 05:34:51 pm
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 21, 2012, 09:15:27 am
After the milkman is gone, Father Brown attempts to trail him to see if his milkmanning activities appear to be stranger than usual
Post by: lawastooshort on September 24, 2012, 10:07:31 am
Episode Three, Turn Four: Escape to Victory!
(http://static.commercialmotor.com/big-lorry-blog/Electric3.JPG)
(http://static.commercialmotor.com/big-lorry-blog/Electric3.JPG)
The Village of Termonfeckin – the Parochial House…
Fill self with the Holy Spirit to bust down the door. Go help Reilly not be naked and incompetent and a big stupid gobshite.…”That big feckin’ stupid gobshite,” exclaims Father Lars to the bathroom in general. “I suppose I’d better go help him not be such a naked feckin’ eejit,” he continues, taking a short run up. “Sometimes,” he wonders, as he sprints the short distance towards the confounded bathroom door, “Sometimes I do wonder just what the feck I’ve done to end up even in the general proximity of such an incompetent bollock,” he concludes as he bursts shoulder first through the bathroom door, shattering it into sharp pointy bits and managing with expert control to avoid carrying on forward and over the stairs railing.
“Praise be,” he gratefully adds.
Put trousers on, check self for injuries, and run like bloody hell from whatever opened the door (yes, I know its Toaster). That being done, find one of those print shops and print off some new and improved posters.…”Feck!” shouts Father Reilly, lying like a crime scene outline on the ground under the second story bathroom window. “Arse!” he further explains as he checks himself for injuries.
Barring a few cuts and bruises, it seems he is perfectly ok!
As he struggles to put his trousers back on, he suddenly remembers the terrifying noise that startled him into flinging himself out of the bathroom window, turns in horror, and begins to flee!
He immediately trips over the trousers still surrounding his ankles, and smashes to the floor.
He gets back to his feet, semi-naked and more than semi-dirty, when suddenly a crushing blow from behind sends him sprawling to the floor!
“Feck!” shouts Father Reilly, groaning in pain.
“Arse!” shouts Father Lars, his hands wrapped tightly around Father Reilly’s naked nether regions. “Father Reilly!” he continues, “Reilly, you need to put your feckin’ trousers on! I’ve just had a call from Bishop feckin’ Lennan – he’s coming down to Termonfeckin’ to check how we’re doing! You’ve feckin’ well got to get yourself clean and dressed!”
The Village of Termonfeckin – The Four Leafed Feckin’ Clover Public House…
After the milkman is gone, Father Brown attempts to trail him to see if his milkmanning activities appear to be stranger than usual…”You can bet I'll be able to wake up very early in the morning, you gobshite, very feckin’ early in the morning indeed... I'll be keeping my eye on you, you little eejit...”
As Mr McCustard leaves, Father Brown hurriedly finishes the rest of his pint, wraps his cassock warmly about him, and speeds off into the early afternoon drizzle.
Outside, the cold grey street stretches interminably into the distance, and Father Brown’s heart sinks as he hears the whir of Mr McCustard’s milk float buzz away and escape his expert surveillance around a nearby corer.
But then! Father Brown remembers the top speed of a Mark 7 Electric Milk Float, and strolls off briskly down the street in hot pursuit! Turning the corner, he is overjoyed to catch up with his prey: he spies the milk float parked outside a row of houses!
“Strange feckin’ time to deliver milk!” muses Father Brown. “Perhaps he’s just collecting the bills… perhaps…”
The Village of Termonfeckin Central Television Studio…
Father Dick patiently explains that this is all a big misunderstanding and that this whole thing is in aid of catching hairy baby makers (a worthy cause indeed) and if the good Father (Father Dick, that is) isn't released there will be hairy babies everywhere, and can he please have his clothes back?…”IT’S ALL A BIG FECKIN’ MISUNDERSTANDING, YOU GIANT FECKIN’ GOBSHITE! GET OFF ME IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!” screams Father Dick, as patiently as he can. “YOU BIG HAIRY BASTARD! YOU GREAT FECKIN’ FECKER!”
TO THE CONFESSIONAL! AGAIN!
Suddenly the camera shoots from one side to another, unable to keep up with the priest’s unexpected and unexpectedly rapid burst of movement as Father Dick manages to wrestle off the security guard and throw him head first against the wall and then leap to his feet!
Confounding the cameraman’s attempts to focus elsewhere, Father Dick begins to dance feverishly in front of the camera, wailing at the top of his voice.
“It’s the hairy feckin’ babies! They’re coming to take us away! They’re feckin’ well coming to take us away! Confess your feckin’ sins, you hairy feckin’ sinners!”
Seemingly tired of focusing on the priest’s crotch, the camera suddenly changes to a new view of the priest’s backside as he runs away down the corridor, arms flailing as he bursts into and through the packed TV studio, diving headfirst through the nearest window and tumbling forward into the street.
“Free at last!” sings Father Dick, cartwheeling down the rainy street past a police officer. “I’m freeeeeeeeeeee!”
He hears a police whistle somewhere behind him and starts running towards the nearest church, looking back just once to taunt the unlucky copper.
“Come on you big bastard! Come on you feckers!”
Father Dick shouts to every house he passes.
“Come on you randy eejits! Come and confess your big feckin’ hairy baby sins, you great shitey perverts!”
One priest is naked! One priest is half naked!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on September 24, 2012, 08:59:34 pm
Preparing for the veritable deluge of dirty sinful perverts, Father Dick dons the emergency cassock from the Church storehouse and rushes to the confessional, sifting through the torrid little lives of the villagers for clues to the identity to the hairy-baby-maker!
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 25, 2012, 08:51:34 am
Post by: Toaster on September 25, 2012, 11:16:31 am
Post by: micelus on September 25, 2012, 06:26:54 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on September 26, 2012, 08:35:09 am
Episode Three, Turn Five: Here Comes Confession!
(http://planetromero.com/rome.ro/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/axe-going-thru-door-lrg.png)
(http://planetromero.com/rome.ro/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/axe-going-thru-door-lrg.png)
The Village of Termonfeckin…
Head to meet Lennan. Impress him with my ideas for a 24/7 Mass on TV.…Rushing down the garden path to intercept the bishop, Father Lars gets to the gate just in time to see Bishop Lennan pull up in his imposing bishopmobile.
“I… the… er… Mass! Around the clock! In the… er… feck! Arse!”
“GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU AWFUL EEJIT! WHERE THE FECK ARE THE OTHER FECKIN’ PRIESTS? AND WHAT THE FECK WAS THAT HALF NAKED MAN DOING RUNNING DOWN THE LANE WHEN I ARRIVED?!”
“Oh, Bishop Lennan, I’m quite sure I don’t know what you’re talking about and I think the other priests are all giving confession in church!”
“DRIVER! TO THE CHURCH!”
“’Mass Around the Clock’” thinks Father Lars, watching the bishopmobile pull away. “What a feckin’ eejit.”
The Village of Termonfeckin – A street…
Move closer and listen for any strange noises. Peek through the windows of any suspicious houses.…Meanwhile and a short distance away, outside the house of iniquity, Father Brown is carefully observing. He realises that, if he really wants to catch the current number one hairy baby making suspect right in the feckin’ act, he is going to have to get closer. He is going to have to hear the guilt.
Shiftily looking from one side of the empty street to the other, Father Brown dashes across, past the parked milk float, onto the pavement, and hurdles the garden fence!
He hurdles it so hard he hurdles into it face first, and smashes the garden fence to the ground!
Suddenly a woman’s voice pierces the drizzly silence.
“Shitin’ feck! Me feckin’ husband! Oh Pat, quick, take the back way!”
“Hohoho!” comes a man’s voice. “Happy to ob-“
“No, feckin’ take the back door!”
“Hohoho!” comes the man’s voice again. “That’s what-“
“No, you daft eejit, get out!”
“But… what… I’m not-”
“No, feckin’ well leave! Through the back garden! It must be me feckin’ ex-special forces husband! He’s already suspicious about wee hairy O’Donald Junior!”
“Oh right. FECKIN’ SHITE!”
Assorted muffled banging and crashing noises follow, punctuated by a slamming door. Father Brown gets up and dusts himself off.
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
Preparing for the veritable deluge of dirty sinful perverts, Father Dick dons the emergency cassock from the Church storehouse and rushes to the confessional, sifting through the torrid little lives of the villagers for clues to the identity to the hairy-baby-maker!…Stunning the whistling policeman into silence and stillness with his nudity, Father Dick escapes into the nearby church, hastily rummaging through the storehouse for an emergency cassock. He manages to leap into his confessional just before the church doors burst open with a torrent of torrid and terrible tales!
“Forgive me Father,” starts one villager.
“Er, well, that depends what you- oh right, yes, I mean, ok, go on, my son!”
“Daughter.”
“Er.”
“I have sinned. I let myself be seduced by a man… a great big hairy feckin’ man! And now… and now I’m feckin’ pregnant, with a hairy feckin’ baby!”
“Oh shite!”
”I beg your pardon Father?”
“Er. I mean… Right so. Well, you know, the ways of our Lord are many, and complex. Totally complex. I think-“
Clean self, and rush to town and hastily set up a confessional stall, posters be damned.…Just then there’s a terrifying outbreak of screaming and wailing, and suddenly Father Reilly leaps through the door of the confessional next to the confessing woman!
He’s entirely naked!
There appear to be morsels of paper stuck to various parts of his body!
“Oh shiting feck!” he begins, as the woman glances down at his stinking legs and then hurriedly averts her gaze. “Father Dick, feckin’ shite! There I was, just running along, with a great pile of posters, and then there was the bishop, and I couldn’t run fast enough, so I took all me clothes off, and then I realised I hadn’t wiped me arse, so I used the posters, and I was running along so I was, through the town to the church, and I thought I’d do me a bit of confessin’ people’s hairy sins donchaknow, so I burst in through the doorway and all the feckin’ villagers looked at me like I was some kind of mad eejit or something and then so I threw all me posters down next to the altar but there was such a screaming mass of people trying to get away from me and then suddenly the candles fell over so they did and the posters went up in flames donchaknow and then the altar too and then oh shite-“
“In feckin’ flames?” shouts Father Dick, incredulously.
“In feckin’ flames!” confirms Father Reilly as Father Dick bursts out of his side of the confessional.
“Oh feckin’ shite! The feckin’ church is on fire!”
“That’s what I was feckin’ well trying to tell you!”
One priest is naked! One church is burning!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 26, 2012, 08:42:52 am
Post by: monk12 on September 26, 2012, 10:44:37 am
Gently interrogate the dirty sinful pervert until the name of the werewolf/hairy-baby-maker is revealed! Then tell her to do fifty Hail Mary's or something as penance.
Time permitting, flee burning Church.
Post by: Toaster on September 26, 2012, 12:26:33 pm
Post by: micelus on September 26, 2012, 03:39:12 pm
Call the fire brigade and then try to activate any fire prevention system in the church. If none, pull the woman out of the church and run out.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 27, 2012, 09:59:51 am
Episode Three, Turn Six: Two Priests and a Hot Tub!
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/79/Operation_Upshot-Knothole_-_Badger_001.jpg/250px-Operation_Upshot-Knothole_-_Badger_001.jpg)
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/79/Operation_Upshot-Knothole_-_Badger_001.jpg/250px-Operation_Upshot-Knothole_-_Badger_001.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin – A street…
Confront Pat in the back garden. Take him into custody. Err... priestly custody. We'll lock him in the confessional or something.…”Come back!” shouts Father Brown through the house in front of him, hoping to stop Pat McCustard in his tracks with the power of his voice. “Come back, you hairy baby making fiend!”
Seeing no obvious way to reach the back garden, Father Brown dashes to the front of the house, kicks down the door, and finds himself face to face with Mrs McAnally.
She is totally naked, and starts screaming.
Suddenly she starts screaming even more, wailing and pointing and waving her arms in the air.
“Oh feckin’ feck, it was me feckin’ ex-special feckin’ forces husband feckin’ coming feckin’ back! Feckin’ shite!”
Father Brown turns.
“Oh. Hello there, Mr McAnally! Erm.”
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
Gently interrogate the dirty sinful pervert until the name of the werewolf/hairy-baby-maker is revealed! Then tell her to do fifty Hail Marys or something as penance.… "Oh feck. Oh shite. Hold the feck on, we need to sort out our feckin' priorities!" screams Father Dick at the top of his voice.
Time permitting, flee burning Church.
"Right! You!" he continues, smashing his head through the divider in the confessional and confronting his awful sinner face to face. "You terrible pervert! You know, you’re probably, wait, no, DEFINITELY going to Hell! Even if you tell me who the feckin’ werewolf is, you harlot! Oh, wait, SHIT! Me feckin’ pants are on fire! Feckin’ feck!"
The confessing woman screams in Father Dick’s face and desperately tries to scramble out of the confessional.
Call the fire brigade and then try to activate any fire prevention system in the church. If none, pull the woman out of the church and run out.…But in the way is the naked and filthy Father Reilly! Tripping over his wildly flailing limbs, the confessing sinner crashes to the floor as she flies out of the confessional, whereupon the priest picks her up, slings her fireman-style across his dirt-streaked shoulders, sprints over to the baptismal font, throws in the woman, and then leaps in after her.
“Don’t worry, young child!” he reassures her, “We’ll be safe from the flames here!”
To the feckin' church! Put out any fires, dress naked priest, impress bishop as the situation demands. Hail Mary.…But luckily Father Lars, sprinting faster than the speed of er a bishopmobile, comes to the rescue, arriving fully dressed and with no law enforcement officers in pursuit! Seeing the endangered pair in the baptismal font as the flames grow and lick about, he strips off his clothes and dives in after Father Reilly and the sinner, hell bent on rescuing them!
But suddenly the doors to the church burst open! Bishop Lennan storms in!
”WHAT THE FECKIN’ FECK IS THIS FECKIN’ FECKERY?” he exclaims, the flames reflected in his eyes nicely emphasising the burning rage exhibited in his voice. ”WHAT THE FECKIN’ FECK! I TELL YOU TO SEEK OUT A HAIRY BABY PLAGUE INSTIGATOR AND YOU FECKIN’ WELL BURN DOWN A CHURCH AND GET IN THE HOT TUB WITH SOME NAKED BINT AND-“
“She’s not naked!”
”FECKIN’ SHUT THE FECKIN’ FECK UP YOU MISERABLE LITTLE TOAD!” shouts Bishop Lennan. ”YOU REALLY THINK THAT IF THE MEDIA CATCH A SNIFF OF THIS THE FACT THAT ONE OF YOU ISN’T NAKED IS GOING TO MAKE IT LOOK BETTER?! YOU GOBSHITIN’ GOBSHITEY GOBSHITES! I AM GOING TO MAKE YOUR FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS INTO FECKIN’ CASSOCKS, YOU B-”
“Oh feck!” shouts Father Dick. “The burning ceiling joist has hit Bishop Lennan in the face and knocked him out!”
As the church continues to burn, the hysterical congregation continue to flee, many trampling the stricken bishop as they run.
Two priests are naked! One church is burning!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on September 27, 2012, 10:17:18 am
DRAMATICALLY rescue the Bishop! Preferably get dressed first.
Post by: monk12 on September 27, 2012, 10:24:41 am
Father Dick turns the baptismal font on full blast, extinguishing the flames! (Baptismal fonts do that, right?)
And wait, there's a congregation in here!?! WHOSE MASS DID WE INTERRUPT
Post by: Toaster on September 27, 2012, 10:26:25 am
Post by: monk12 on September 27, 2012, 10:37:54 am
Let's try and blame this on Purple- it's his feckin' Church!
Post by: Toaster on September 27, 2012, 10:52:03 am
Post by: freeformschooler on September 27, 2012, 11:27:21 am
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
This is the reason the RTD boards exist.
Post by: lawastooshort on September 27, 2012, 02:33:55 pm
a naked priest runs in, grabs a cossack and runs to the confessional
That would be amazing
Post by: micelus on September 27, 2012, 03:29:08 pm
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 28, 2012, 08:28:21 am
Team up with the special forces husband (he's from the anti-werewolf special forces, right?) and head after Pat
Post by: lawastooshort on September 28, 2012, 09:48:28 am
Episode Three, Turn Seven: Priests to the Rescue!
(http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4007/4576737315_c300d7ce16.jpg)
(http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4007/4576737315_c300d7ce16.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin – A street…
Team up with the special forces husband (he's from the anti-werewolf special forces, right?) and head after Pat…”Err, hello Mr McAnally. I was just pursuing a criminal, possibly a werewolf, and could use your help in subduing him. Or it. Or something. Feck.”
Mr McAnally looks unconvinced.
”The bastard stole your wife’s clothes!”
Mr McAnally’s left eyebrow arches.
”And tried to molest me! Me, a poor innocent priest!”
Mr McAnally’s right eyebrow joins its twin on the upper reaches of Mr McAnally’s forehead.
”THAT FECKIN’ GOBSHITE! COME ON, LET’S MURDERKILL THAT BASTARD!”
Mr McAnally shoves past Father Brown, past his naked wife, storms upstairs, and, a brief moment later, comes back down carrying a double barrelled shotgun.
”BASTARD FECKING WEREWOLVES!”
Dragging Father Brown by the cassock, Mr McAnally charges out the back door.
The Village of Termonfeckin – A garden…
”COME ON YOU SLOW BASTARD, I WANT ME SOME WEREWOLF BLOOD TONIGHT, FATHER! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FECKER STEALING ME WIFE’S FECKIN’ CLOTHES!”
Mr McAnally, halfway down his back garden, turns and picks Father Brown up, hoisting him over his shoulders. He then carries on sprinting down the length of his garden. He gets to the end and leaps with one leading hand over the fence.
The Village of Termonfeckin – Another street…
”YOU HAIRY FECKIN’ BASTARD!” shouts Mr McAnally, catching up with Mr McCustard. ”YOU’RE GONNA FEEL THE POWER OF THE WRATH OF GOD!” he screams, his face turning red. ”GOD DON’T TOLERATE NO FECKIN’ WEREWOLVES, YOU HAIRY FECKIN’ FREAK!”
Without so much as a warning or a polite request, Mr McAnally lifts Father Brown off his shoulders, swings him by the feet, and flings him after the suspected werewolf.
Struck round the ankles by a man of the cloth, Mr McCustard keeps on moving forward for half a second, before flying face forward to the ground.
Mr McAnally runs up to him, shotgun barrels mere inches from the suspect’s face.
”WELL, YOU HAIRY GOBSHITE! WHAT’VE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YERSELF? ANY LAST WORDS?”
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
Father Dick turns the baptismal font on full blast, extinguishing the flames! (Baptismal fonts do that, right?)…”Don’t worry, Bishop Lennan!” shouts Father Dick, hurriedly extracting his head from the confessional divider and coming face to face with the bishop’s plight. “I’ll save you!”
Throwing the smashed piece of confessional to the floor, Father Dick dashes over to the baptismal font, loses his footing as he runs, and trips over head first into it!
He fondles about enthusiastically for the switch to turn it on.
DRAMATICALLY rescue the Bishop! Preferably get dressed first.…”Arg! That’s not it!” cries Father Lars, scandalised and still naked.
”Don’t worry, Bishop Lennan!” he shouts, hurriedly extracting himself first from Father Dick’s grasp and then from the rather crowded baptismal font. “I’ll save you!”
Sprinting over to the fallen piece of burning church currently pinning the bishop to the ground, Father Lars slips with his wet and half-baptised feet and slides the last couple of metres along the stone floor in a pose considerably more precarious that the one he had planned, before coming to a stop with the bishop at his feet.
Father Lars tumbles over, his sopping naked body fully covering both Bishop Lennan and the flames that were, until now, molesting him.
Father Lars extinguishes the flames!
Get the feck outside and call up the local fire brigade again to extinguish the flame. Also, try to calm the fleeing congregation with joyful hymns.…”Don’t worry!” screams Father Reilly, also clambering out of the baptismal font. “It’s all going to be ok! I’ll rescue you! No, wait, the fire brigade might do a better job!”
Father Reilly runs around for a few seconds in an entirely naked circle before finding an abandoned mobile phone on the floor. He picks it up.
“Right everyone,” he says, addressing the fleeing congregation and tackling several of them to the floor to better gain their attention and, indeed, their compliance. “Time for hymn practice! Joyful hymns will calm us all, and will probably even calm the flames! Ready? One, two…”
As Father Reilly dials 112 for emergency services, he holds the phone up and begins to conduct his impromptu and involuntary choir.
“Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning!” he sings.
“Burning!” echo the villagers.
“Give me oil in my lamp, I pray!”
“Pray!”
“Give me oil in my lamp, give me oil in my lamp – hang on.”
Father Reilly abruptly stops.
”Hang o-“
“No, no, I just thought, perhaps we could find something more… apposite to the situation? Let me think…”
Father Reilly scratches his chin, lost in thought as the church burns down around him. He holds the phone back up and commands his choir to sing.
“The spirit of God like a fire is burning! No wait. Blast. Never mind. Come on everybody, join in! It’s for your own good you know!”
Righteous and joyous song proliferates round the church in a manner somewhat akin to the way flames might spread around a building, and the happy sound soon spreads to the church grounds as naked Father Reilly leads his flock to relative safety, where a singing circle is quickly established around the singeing church.
“Hello,” comes a very faint voice. “Hello? What’s your emergency? Police, fire or ambulance? Hello? Hello?”
From somewhere, someone produces a ukulele and a pleasant twanging soon accompanies the crackling of flames.
Two priests are naked! One church is burning!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on September 28, 2012, 10:04:24 am
Father Brown suggests torture and attempts to get a confession from Pat
Post by: Toaster on September 28, 2012, 12:17:08 pm
At least one of us is actually trying to solve the case.
Post by: monk12 on September 28, 2012, 10:54:47 pm
"Oooh, I feckin' love happy hymns! Let's encourage the firemen!"
Father Orange runs outside to raise his voice in praise to the Lord our God amen!
"Rain down, rain down
Rain down feckin' love on yer peeeeople!
Rain down, rain the feck down!
Ran down love on us gobshiiiiiites!"
Like so, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXiFWCM5jgo) but peppier!
Post by: micelus on September 29, 2012, 06:58:38 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on September 30, 2012, 01:11:35 pm
Post by: monk12 on September 30, 2012, 09:56:45 pm
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 01, 2012, 12:09:29 am
Post by: lawastooshort on October 01, 2012, 07:02:18 am
Episode Three, Turn Eight: Blast!
(http://splinteredsunrise.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/tom-father-ted.jpg)
(http://splinteredsunrise.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/tom-father-ted.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin – A street…
Father Brown suggests torture and attempts to get a confession from Pat…”Feckin’ wait!” Father Brown shouts. ”You can't kill him, we... err... need to... torture him first?”
“Torture, Father?” asks Mr McAnally. “I’m not sure that’s a terribly Catholic idea you know, Father Brown. I think we should just shoot the gobshite in the feckin’ arse, I can’t feckin’ stand werewolves anyway. Feckin’ bastards they all are, so they are.”
Suddenly the afternoon silence is shattered by the double blast of a shotgun. Across the street a curtain twitches.
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
…”Alea jacta est!” shouts Father Lars from his vantage point atop Bishop Lennan. “Take my feckin’ bollocks!” he continues, swinging wildly as he jumps to the floor and sprints over to the altar.Impress the Bishop with my bollocksConduct a mass in the center of the burning church, making allusions to the fires of hell and the blessed joy of leaving in a calm and orderly manner.
“You see, Bishop Lennan,” he insists as he prepares himself for giving Mass, “I think we should feckin’ well do every feckin’ Mass stark bollock naked, to impress the heathenous locals with our mighty… er Mass, do you see?”
Father Lars climbs nakedly onto the altar.
“In nomine Patris,” he begins. “Et filii…”
Father Lars interrupts himself, jumping back down from the altar, sprinting over to where Bishop Lennan is still lying under the burning joist.
“Did you see? Did you see my magnificent feckin’ bollocks up there on the altar, Your Grace? Did they not put the feckin’ fear of God into you? Tempting you over to the side of Good? Persuading you to let go of the ancient heathenous ways and to praise our Lord ever so heartily? You know, you see, the locals, they’ll just feckin’ look at those bollocks and think, well, shite, look at them, he can’t be feckin’ wrong with those, can he now? Don’t you think, Your Grace?”
Bishop Lennan continues lying there, unconscious.
Father Lars leaves him be, and clambers back onto the altar.
“Now, come on you feckin’ pagans!” he shouts, addressing the congregation once more. “LEAVE THE FECKIN’ CHURCH YOU GOBSHITES! IT’S FECKIN’ BURNING! Ite, missa est!”
The remaining villagers begin to leave the church, several of them enthusiastically discussing Father Lars’s tremendous holy presence.
Father Lars sprints past them on the way out of the blazing building.
Father Orange runs outside to raise his voice in praise to the Lord our God amen!…"Oooh, I feckin' love happy hymns!” squeals Father Dick upon hearing the ring of song around the church. “Let's encourage the firemen!" he adds, oblivious to the complete absence of firemen and his colleague’s complete failure in the field of firemen summoning.
“Come on everyone, let us sing!” he continues, running around the church gently cajoling the massed singers, suggesting that everyone finish singing ”Burn, burn, you heartless fecking pagan, that’ll teach you” and instead take up the more widely known western Irish Catholic classic “Rain down love, rain the feck down”.
"Rain down, rain down,
Rain down feckin' love on yer peeeeople!
Rain down, rain the feck down!
Rain down love on us gobshiiiiiites!"
Tell the fire brigade that the feckin' church is on fire, and then as the hymns begin to ebb out, open up a public confessional, hoping that the hymns would make the people feel bloody obligated to confess.…It is indeed fortunate that Father Dick chooses this moment to take over the conducting of Termonfeckin’s impromptu choir, for, having forgotten something rather important inside, Father Reilly chooses this moment to stop singing, throw the mobile phone to the floor, and run back into the burning church, screaming at the top of his voice.
“Me confessional! Me feckin’ confessional! Shite!”
As Father Reilly trips over the still prone Bishop Lennan and flies headlong to the floor, the joyous sound of the massed villagers of Termonfeckin wafts through the crackling of flames, led by the effervescent Father Dick.
"Rain down, rain down,
Oh Lord just feckin’ rain down!
Rain, rain, rain the feck down!
Feckin rain, you bastard, shower us with your love!
Rain down love on us gobshiiiiiites!"
Being kicked in the head by Father Reilly, or the Massed Choir of Termonfeckin’s singing, seems to have quite a restorative effect on Bishop Lennan, who lifts the burning joist off himself, gets to his feet, and addresses Father Reilly.
”DID I GET HIT ON THE HEAD REALLY VERY HARD, OR ARE YOU FECKIN’ NAKED, YOU BIG BOLLOCK?”
Just then, as Father Lars sprints out of the burning church, he comes face to face with a nice young woman holding what appears to be a microphone. A nice young man holding what appears to be a television camera accompanies her.
“Hello sir! You seem to be a survivor from this tragic disaster. I was actually looking for a Father Lars, to ask him about the hairy baby outbreak, but I wonder if you could spare a few minutes to tell us about this fire? Did all your clothes burn off? At least the locals seem to be in good spirits, eh sir?”
She turns to address the cameraman.
”So, here I am today, talking to the survivors of the mysterious Termonfeckin Church Fire, trying to track down any more of these scandalous rumours of hairy babies. Here I’m talking to…”
She turns back to Father Lars.
”Sorry there sir. What did you say your name was?”
Two priests are naked! One church is burning! A Mass has been completed!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on October 01, 2012, 07:57:22 am
Introduce self, and stall the news team while I signal to Dick and Reilly that they should go figure out what the feck Brown is up to.
Post by: monk12 on October 01, 2012, 08:24:13 pm
Being a man of the cloth (who is actually wearing clothes,) Father Orange distracts the news team with an impromptu Mass of RIGHTEOUS JOY celebrating the fact that nobody is dead/on fire! No scandal here, just a bunch of happy villagers!
A risky strategy, gambling that we can go a whole turn without a fatality or fire, but I've got a lucky feeling.
Post by: micelus on October 02, 2012, 02:46:48 am
Convince bishop that he's delusional, then escort him outside. Once outside, see signal and find Father Brown.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 02, 2012, 05:16:58 am
Father Brown shames Mr McAnally and, while he's hopefully doing his Ave Marias, carries the arse-shot werewolf towards the church.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 02, 2012, 08:06:45 am
Episode Three, Turn Nine: Mass!
(http://www.gracebrothers.net/Fire13.JPG)
(http://www.gracebrothers.net/Fire13.JPG)
The Village of Termonfeckin – A street…
Father Brown shames Mr McAnally and, while he's hopefully doing his Ave Marias, carries the arse-shot werewolf towards the church.
…”UnCath... unCatholic? UNCATHOLIC?” Father Brown shouts, shuddering with rage. ”Now you listen, young man! The Catholic Church has been torturing heathens, witches and anyone we didn't feckin' like the look of since the dawn of time. Who do you think invented the Spanish Inquisition? The feckin' Protestants? You... you... oh, you shot him already. Well. It doesn't look that bad. Anyway, a hundred Ave Marias for penance, right now. In Latin. And don't even think about skipping any.”
As Mr McAnally prostrates himself and gets penancing as hard as he can, Father Brown lifts Mr McCustard onto his back and sprints towards the church.
The suspect werewolf seems to be bleeding right from the arse.
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
Introduce self, and stall the news team while I signal to Dick and Reilly that they should go figure out what the feck Brown is up to.…”Why, hello there! Yes, er, Father Lars, that would be me, so it is, I… er…”
Suddenly Father Dick interrupts.
Being a man of the cloth (who is actually wearing clothes,) Father Orange distracts the news team with an impromptu Mass of RIGHTEOUS JOY celebrating the fact that nobody is dead/on fire! No scandal here, just a bunch of happy villagers!…”Oh yes, hello there Miss… Mrs…? Anyway, as Father Lars there was just saying, you know, this isn’t the first church burning we’ve suffered recently, so we’re quite upset, but it is the first church burning we’ve had recently where we’ve not had any victims, you see, so we’re really quite righteously joyous, and we’re just about to hold a Mass of Righteous Joy, would you care to join in? Come on everybody,” continues Father Dick, turning to the massed singing villagers of Termonfeckin. “All stand!”
A handful of villagers pay attention.
“Erm… We have come together this day to celeb- er, no, wait. Ave, er, Juventus… Milan… Costacurta… Lord, we thank Thee righteously… and erm… joyously…”
“I think you may as well turn the camera off during this shite, Paul,” says the reporter. “No use wasting tape on a bunch of bollocks like this, even if that one there does have a tremendous holy presence, eh?”
Convince bishop that he's delusional, then escort him outside. Once outside, see signal and find Father Brown.…"Ah what? Me naked?" says Father Reilly, very nakedly, to Bishop Lennan. "You musta' be hit really hard on ye feckin’ head, Your Grace. I’m not in the slightest bit naked, never have been! I even feckin’ sleep in me collar and cassock, Your Grace! Now, I really think we should get you out of this burning feckin’ church before we all feckin’ burn."
Father Reilly escorts the delusional bishop outside, where the pair are immediately spotted by a television news crew.
“Oh wait – perhaps you should feckin’ well roll the tape again, it’s always worth filming a bishop with a naked eejit, come on Paul!”
Bishop Lennan stumbles outside and comes face to face with a ring of singing villagers circling the burning church whilst Father Dick performs Mass and Father Lars stands about looking like an eejit with no clothes.
“So, Your Grace, have you rescued this naked eejit from the flames, or what? Do you have any news for us about the hairy feckin’ baby epidemic sweeping the island? I think everyone agrees something must be done! Don’t you think?”
Suddenly Father Brown sprints down the path from the church gate, roaring in victory and carrying an entirely naked and unconscious man above his head.
He reaches Bishop Lennan and comes to a stop, throwing the bleeding naked man at the bishop’s feet.
“Here, Bishop Lennan, Your Grace,” he says. “HERE’S your feckin’ hairy feckin’ baby maker! It’s a feckin’ gobshite werewolf!”
“A feckin’ werewolf, Father?” asks the news reporter. “Are you feckin’ sure?”
Two priests are naked! One church is burning! A Mass has been completed! The End is Possibly Nigh!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 02, 2012, 08:21:24 am
Post by: monk12 on October 02, 2012, 10:25:45 am
Instead, Father Orange attempts to convince the news team (and the news-viewing public) of Mr. McCustard's werewolfhood... THROUGH SONG!
Of course he's a feckin' werewolf
He's hairy and loves the moon!
If we don't lock up the feckin' gobshite
We'll all be werewolves soon! Everybody now!
Post by: Toaster on October 02, 2012, 03:23:12 pm
Post by: micelus on October 02, 2012, 10:03:39 pm
"So this is the feckin' hairy-baby makin' thing, eh? Well, we best be thankin' the Almighty, don'tcha know? Come on, this be the best for all you gobshites."
Convince the nearby clergy to sing a hymn to the Almighty, and get the news reporters to join in.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 03, 2012, 05:27:52 am
Post by: lawastooshort on October 03, 2012, 07:14:11 am
Episode Three, Turn Ten: Roll Credits!
(http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ihfAi7tXJ_s/0.jpg)
(http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ihfAi7tXJ_s/0.jpg)
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
Father Brown snaps and kicks the prone Mr McCustard for emphasis. He looks around at his fellow priests.…”Of course he's a feckin' werewolf, ye eejit!” snaps Father Brown to the lady news reporter, live on island-wide TV. ”The gobshite practically admitted it, you big shit!”
Father Brown joins in on song. Either song. Both at the same time. Maybe massing all the while.
Father Brown angrily kicks the prone Mr McCustard for emphasis, accidentally breaking the milkman’s leg in several places. He turns to his priestly colleagues.
”Er, hang on Father!” interrupts the reporter. ”You just broke this defenceless man’s leg! What have you got to say about that, Father Brown?”
”Oh shite. Did I? Well, he’s only a feckin’ werewolf, the little shite. Now feck off!”
Father Brown turns once more to his fellow men of the cloth.
”So. Why is the feckin' church on fire you big bunch of eejits?”
Instead, Father Orange attempts to convince the news team (and the news-viewing public) of Mr. McCustard's werewolfhood... THROUGH SONG!…"Why is the Church on fire, indeed? “ wonders Father Dick aloud. "You know, I won't justify that with an answer, mostly because you’re an eejit, but also because you’re a gobshite. No, instead, I think we need a song! A song that proves the guilt of this bastard gobshite of a shitey werewolf!"
Father Dick turns to face the camera.
”Of course he's a feckin' werewolf,
He's hairy and loves the moon!
If we don't lock up the feckin' gobshite,
We'll all be werewolves soon! Everybody now!”
A vast mass of villagers gathers round to join in. Even Father Brown begins to sing.
”He’s a feckin' werewolf,
Short and stout!
After he gets in,
Hairy babies pop out!”
A rising tide of anti-werewolf enthusiasm soon grows.
”He’s a bastard werewolf,
With strange eyebrows!
The full moon comes out,
And this feckin’ gobshite howls!”
It soon reaches feverish levels of intensity!
”He’s a murderous werewolf!
He molested my wife!
Now that we’ve caught the bastard,
Let him pay with his life!”
”Wait! Who’s a feckin’ werewolf?”
”Er… I dunno?”
”Er… I think it was that priest fella there?”
”Oh right so. He does have funny eyebrows.”
”A werewolf! He’s a feckin’ werewolf! Burn him!”
Father Dick abruptly stops singing, and starts running as fast as he can around the burning church.
Sneak off and dress, then continue to Mass, with an intent to impress the Bishop with my piety. Make sure the news agency records my Mass.…As Father Dick begins his second lap around the church, Father Lars suddenly shouts out.
”Right then. We’ve got two feckin’ werewolves, I think we need a feckin’ Mass. Since you’re here, Your Grace, would you like to watch me feckin’ Mass? And you there, Miss… Mrs… TV Lady, why don’t you broadcast me excellent feckin’ Mass, you know, to put the shitin’ fear of God into any other eejits thinking of making hairy feckin’ babies? You could get a nice backdrop of the burning church to represent the burning Hell that’s waiting for ‘em!”
Father Lars adjusts his cassock, realises he is naked, and hurriedly launches into Mass as hard as he can, hoping no one else will notice.
”In nomine Patris et filii… Come on, you gobshites! You’d best be filming this! I feel like this Mass is going to be so damn pious I could feckin’ well convert Englishmen!”
”Erm,” interrupts Father Brown ”Are you not a bit too feckin’ naked for giving a good hard Mass, Father Lars?”
”Oh right so. Shite. Yes,” decides Father Lars as Father Dick begins his third lap around the ruined church. A thought strikes him. ”Erm, hello there, Father Dick!”
Convince the nearby clergy to sing a hymn to the Almighty, and get the news reporters to join in.…"So this is the feckin' hairy-baby makin' thing, eh?" asks Father Reilly, poking Mr McCustard with his foot a bit as Father Lars’ Mass prematurely ends. "Well, we best be thankin' the Almighty, don'tcha know? Come on, this be the best for all you gobshites. Let us sing."
Father Reilly clears his throat as a naked Father Dick runs past, chased by dozens of angry villagers.
"The Lord’ll be coming round the mountain when He comes!
The Lord’ll be coming round the mountain when He comes!
Coming round the mountain, coming round the mountain,
Coming round the mountain when He comes!”
A few people join in, but many appear to prefer continuing their merciless chasing of Father Dick. Father Brown stops chasing Father Dick and joins in for the second verse. Father Lars stops chasing Father Dick and starts getting dressed in his new cassock.
“We’ll be thanking the Almighty when He comes!
We’ll be thanking the Almighty when He comes!
We’ll be thanking the Almighty, thanking the Almighty,
We’ll be thanking the Almighty when He comes! Huzzah!"
”YES, RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THAT SHITE THANKS FATHER REILLY, YOU BIG BOLLOCK. NOW THAT PAT MCCUSTARD HAS BEEN APPREHENDED, AND SHOT, AND KICKED, AND LYNCHED A BIT, I SUPPOSE WE’D BETTER TELL ROLLY ISLAND DAIRY COOPERATIVE, EH? GET THE BASTARD REMOVED FROM HIS POST AND ALL THAT. OF COURSE, HE’LL BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY ANYWAY, BUT IT CAN’T HURT TO START FECKIN’ HIM OVER IN THIS LIFE TOO, EH?”
Bishop Lennan turns to Father Lars.
”RIGHT. WELL DONE THEN, FATHER LARS. YOU DIDN’T TOTALLY FECK EVERYTHING UP, ALTHOUGH I MIGHT HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS LATER ABOUT THE BURNING FECKING CHURCH. LET’S TIE ALL THIS UP THEN, SHALL WE?”
”Erm, should we not help Father Dick or something?”
”AH NO, FECK THAT FECKIN’ EEJIT, RUNNING AROUND NAKED ON TV ALL THE TIME, DESERVES ALL THE LYNCHING HE GETS! NOW…”
The shouty bishop reaches into his cassock pocket and pulls out his bishopphone.
”OH HELLO THERE. MR MCKENNICKITY? THIS HERE IS BISHOP LENNAN AND YOU’RE A GREAT BIG GOBSHITE. NOW, ABOUT YOUR BOLLOCK OF A MILKMAN…”
Two priests are naked! One church is burning! A Mass has been completed! The End is Upon Us!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 03, 2012, 07:28:17 am
Post by: Toaster on October 03, 2012, 08:25:54 am
I must admit I am disappointed no one rode the milk truck.
"Two pints... two pints..."
Post by: lawastooshort on October 03, 2012, 08:28:58 am
I must admit I am disappointed no one rode the milk truck.
Stand by for Episode Four later
Edit: Also, a question. Should I continue with this beyond Episode 4 (which I am compelled to do) or should I instead start my other current idea about a game involving cops after this Episode? Hmm. Either way, I will have a lot of delays next month. Hmm.
Post by: Toaster on October 03, 2012, 10:17:39 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 03, 2012, 12:25:35 pm
I'm not doing this because I'm second in line.
Not at all.
>.>
<.<
Not at all....
Post by: lawastooshort on October 03, 2012, 03:22:48 pm
Episode Four: Milk!
(http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2743/4092706897_6d08df0a00_z.jpg?zz=1)
(http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2743/4092706897_6d08df0a00_z.jpg?zz=1)
The Village of Ardglass Church…
”RIGHT. WELL. SINCE THAT GOBSHITE MCCUSTARD HAS BEEN SHOT IN THE ARSE AND FIRED FOR BEING A WEREWOLF, SOME EEJIT NEEDS TO DELIVER THE FECKIN’ MILK ROUND HERE. IF THESE VILLAGERS DON’T GET THEIR MILK, THERE’S NO TELLING WHAT DARK GODS THEY MIGHT TURN TO. SO, I NEED ONE OF YOU ARSEBISCUITS TO DELIVER THE FECKIN’ MILK.”
Bishop Lennan stares angrily at the four priests.
”AND SINCE SOME FECKER BURNT DOWN THE LAST FECKING CHURCH, WE’RE HERE IN ARDGLASS IN THIS MISERABLE BASTARD OF A VILLAGE AND NOT IN FECKIN’ TERMONFECKIN, WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT. YOU’VE MANAGED TO PERSUADE THE LOCAL POPULATION THAT CATHOLIC PRIESTS ARE ALL ABOUT ASSAULT AND ARSON. WHILST NAKED. I WANT YOU TO PUT A STOP TO IT.”
Bishop Lennan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and a piece of paper.
”THIS HERE IS THE DELIVERY SCHEDULE FOR TODAY. ONE OF YOU FECKERS TAKE THESE KEYS AND GET DELIVERING! THE REST OF YOU: GET OUT THERE AND DO SOME GOOD!”
”But… Your Grace… we’re priests!” protests Father Brown. ”Delivering milk isn’t really our area!”
”NOTHING IS YOUR FECKING AREA, YOU BIG BUNCH OF BOLLOCKS! YOU DON’T HAVE AN AREA. UNLESS IT IS SOME KIND OF PLAY AREA, WITH BALLS, AND FIRE-PROOF TOYS, AND PADDED FECKIN’ WALLS! NOW GO DO WHAT YOU’RE TOLD, RIGHT?!”
No priests are naked!
We shall proceed once someone volunteers to become Milkman Priest!
Spoiler: Episode Four Mechanics (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: POPS (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on October 03, 2012, 03:33:42 pm
Also I'll be gone tomorrow and Friday, so I may be a bit slow to start.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 03, 2012, 03:47:14 pm
Aww, Mrs McAnally isn't on the delivery list anymore? That poor woman.
Post by: monk12 on October 03, 2012, 08:24:02 pm
I think somebody should deliver milk to Mrs. McAnally anyway. WIIIIIINK
Post by: lawastooshort on October 04, 2012, 06:39:05 am
If I had to go out, I'm glad it was with a smashing musical number.
Before being chased entirely naked by an angry werewolf-hating mob round a burning church on television as the bishop looks on?
Anyway, will no one deliver milk? Go on.
Edit: Father Boggar has had to drop out and is replaced by Father Fusco.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 04, 2012, 02:28:03 pm
And I'm taking Spaghetti's spot!
Post by: lawastooshort on October 05, 2012, 03:17:09 am
Episode Four: Turn Zero: Why Did I Become a Priest?!
(http://labspace.open.ac.uk/file.php/4791/!via/oucontent/course/124/milkman-by-float.jpg)
(http://labspace.open.ac.uk/file.php/4791/!via/oucontent/course/124/milkman-by-float.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass Church…
Grab the keys and run off, loading up the cart with...6 pints of milk and drive off to the first delivery!…”Drive a feckin’ milk float? I’ve ALWAYS feckin’ wanted to drive a feckin’ milk float,” says Father Fusco, grabbing the keys out of Bishop Lennan’s hand before any other feckin’ priest can react and sprinting out of the church.
”Feck me,” he says, arriving outside in the churchyard and seeing the shining milk float in all its glory. ”Why the feckin’ feck did I feckin’ well become a feckin’ priest?”
Father Fusco checks there’s plenty of milk on the milk float and heads off towards Mrs O’Doherty’s house in downtown Termonfeckin.
Quote from: All the other feckin’ priests
Erm”Right so then,” says Father Brown. ”That’s all that business sorted out then. Who wants a cup of tea?”
”THERE’LL BE NO FECKIN’ TEA YOU GREAT GOBSHITE,” announces Bishop Lennan. ”YOU FECKIN’ WELL NEED TO GET OUT THERE IN YON FECKIN’ PARISH AND POINT OUT TO THE FECKIN’ PARISHIONERS THAT YOU’RE NOT ALL A BUNCH OF FECKIN’ NUDIST EEJITS. COME ON, SHOO!”
”Oh right so. Erm.” decides Father Lars. ”If that’s the case then I think we feckin’ need...”
”Yes?” wonders Father Reilly, hopefully. ”A nice singalong?”
”No.” says Father Lars, decisively. ”We need a feckin’ plan.”
No priests are naked!
Spoiler: Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 05, 2012, 05:47:38 am
With this wise antagonizing of his fellow priests, Father Brown sets out to his parish to prepare a village feast on the church grounds. Nothing can wrong there.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 05, 2012, 10:05:54 am
Seeing as everything is going swimmingly, start singing. If I come across some of those bastard children, show off by ghost riding the whip.
Yeah, that'll show those bloody bastards whose cool in town!
Post by: micelus on October 05, 2012, 04:46:59 pm
Get to my parish and hold a conciliatory fair/mass to show that the clergy aren't so bloody insane.
Post by: Toaster on October 05, 2012, 09:04:59 pm
Drag Lennan to the TV station from T1 last episode and Mass again on TV with Lennan!
Post by: monk12 on October 05, 2012, 09:16:29 pm
Post by: Toaster on October 05, 2012, 10:22:20 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on October 09, 2012, 07:47:05 am
Episode Four: Turn One: Idontwannabeapriestanymore!
(http://www.comedytricks.com/ct/cwb/cwb-guatemala_files/image017.jpg)
(http://www.comedytricks.com/ct/cwb/cwb-guatemala_files/image017.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
Seeing as everything is going swimmingly, start singing. If I come across some of those bastard children, show off by ghost riding the whip.…Cruising along in downtown Ardglass, Father Fusco is living the dream.
Yeah, that'll show those bloody bastards whose cool in town!
"Boy, are those feckers missin' out!" he exclaims, referring to his priestly colleagues. "This is the feckin' life right here, it is!" he declares, daringly pushing the accelerator down and watching the speedo rise to nearly three miles per hour.
The wind rushes through his hair.
He starts singing some rather edgy modern hymns and suddenly spots a group of small children by the side of the road. An idea hits him.
Father Fusco drives to the top of the slight incline he is cruising along, past the group of small children, reaches the top, performs a u-turn, and heads back down the hill, m-singing as loud as he can with the windows down.
“Our Lord – is pretty cool,
If you don’t agree, you some kind of fool!
He’s got wicked alloys,
The Devil’s got wack ploys,
So don’t sin! Agin! Or I’ll begin!
To… er… Blast. Aha!
Don’t sin, or you’ll have to begin,
Confessin’?
As I sing my hymn?
Erm. Yo?”
As he approaches the small children, he changes through the milk float’s range of gears from first to neutral, opens the door, leaps out, and runs his foot over.
Diving back into his milk float to escape the jeers of the local populace, he slams the accelerator down, blasting away at nearly four and a half miles an hour!
Suddenly his mobile priest phone rings!
The Village of Ardglass Church…
With this wise antagonizing of his fellow priests, Father Brown sets out to his parish to prepare a village feast on the church grounds. Nothing can wrong there.… Back at Ardglass Church, Father Brown decides he’d rather be at Creggenbaun Church, and rushes off to his parish.
”Yes,” he says to his fellow priests as he leaves. ”And my plan is to stay as far away from you gobshites as feckin' possible. Fecking sad excuses for members of the Catholic clergy, the pair of you!”
Arriving at his parish, he immediately gets out his enormous tea urn and starts preparing enough tea for several villages and then, dashing about the church kitchen like some kind of deranged octopus-priest, starts preparing cake. A cake big enough to feed several thousand. Five thousand, he thinks happily to himself.
He searches for his fish-shaped cake mould.
Minutes later Father Brown is in the churchyard, hanging his second mile of green bunting when he smells a strange smell.
A strange burning smell!
A smell that smells somewhat similar to the terrible smell of burning cake! And burning church kitchen! And, indeed, burning church!
Father Brown turns in horror to see flames dancing out of the church kitchen window.
Suddenly his mobile priest phone rings!
…"...Eh, true enough," admits Father Reilly as Father Brown ambles off to his very own private culinary inferno.
Get to my parish and hold a conciliatory fair/mass to show that the clergy aren't so bloody insane.
He realises that Father Brown may actually be onto something, and heads back to Cloonsherevagh, his temporary adopted parish, and starts hanging his own green bunting in the church yard.
Interested villagers pass by, stop for a friendly chat and, gradually, accumulate before the makeshift altar that Father Green has slapped together with a couple of old crates. The moment has come.
”Friends,” begins Father Green. ”Villagers, Islanders… You know, not all members of the clergy are bloody insane. Many of us, including me, are perfectly reasonable, dontcha know. In the wake of the recent spate of church burnings – which may or may not be the work of juvenile church-haters – I want to offer you a Mass. A nice conciliatory Mass. A Mass calling for love, forgiveness in case it was actually a member of the clergy responsible for any of these church burnings, and happiness. As a sign of goodwill, I will make this a Mass for all. Does anyone have any sentiments they’d like to add?”
”Could you say a bit of Mass for me cat?” shouts one villager. ”He’s terribly sick today!”
”Erm… Ok?”
Suddenly his mobile priest phone rings!
Drag Lennan to the TV station from T1 last episode and Mass again on TV with Lennan!…"Righto, Bishop!" shouts Father Lars. "I think that TV station liked our Mass, so why don't we try it again? Come along!"
Grabbing Bishop Lennan right by his feckin’ bollocks, Father Lars drags the bishop out of the church and down the street before deciding that there might be a more efficient way of transporting a bishop. He lugs him onto his shoulders and sprints to the local television station.
He bursts in, brandishing the bishop at an astonished chatshow host.
”Look!” screams Father Lars. ”This is a… this is a… Feck.”
He addresses the camera directly.
”I’ve got a feckin’ bishop!” he shouts. ”And I’m not afraid to use him! I want five minutes to Mass, a million dollars, and a feckin’ helicopter straight to the feckin’ airport!”
”Erm…”
”Now!”
”Rolly Island doesn’t have an airport, Father Lars…”
”Oh right so. Erm. Well, how about I just do a nice bit of Mass then and I’ll be on me way.”
”Father, put the bishop down. Come on now Father, you’re on live island-wide TV. Put the bishop down before you make a fool of yourself.”
”I JUST WANT TO FECKIN’ SAY FECKIN’ MASS! FOR FECK’S FECKIN’ SAKE! IN NOMINE PATR-”
”PUT THE FECKIN’ BISHOP DOWN! SLOWLY AND CALML-“
”DID YOU JUST GRAB ME BY THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS?” asks Bishop Lennan, overcoming his sudden onset state of shock. ”DID YOU JUST GRAB ME BY THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS FATHER FECKIN’ LARS I SWEAR TO-”
”Erm, hold on there, Bishop Lennan. I think I’ve got a phone call.”
Interrupting the bishop, Father Lars answers his mobile priest phone.
”Set up a feckin’ conference call with your other gobshite priests, you feckin’ gobshite.” comes the anonymous instruction. ”I can feckin’ see you there on the telly, you big smelly bollock. Do a feckin’ teleconference NOW, or I’ll… do… something really feckin’ terrible.”
Father Lars and the chatshow host scramble about for a minute to set up a teleconference.
”And now feckin’ well put me on loudspeaker so every feckin’ bastard watching this feckin’ shite can feckin’ see what a feckin’ gobshite ye are. Yes, I’m talking about you, Father feckin’ Lars. You and your feckin’ gobshite priests.”
Father Lars puts the anonymous caller on loudspeaker and broadcasts his chilling threat to the nation.
”Right, you feckin’ bastard. Ooh, I can feckin’ hear meself on the television. Hello there ma! Hello there, me! Right. This is Pat feckin’ McCustard, and you’re a feckin’ gobshite. You feckin’ well got me sacked from me feckin’ job AND shot in the arse, and since I can’t make me feckin’ rounds anymore I’ve gone feckin’ crazy from the fever, if you know what I mean. Me arm’s a bit tired, if you see what I’m saying. Me bishop’s a bit bashed, if you catch me drift. I’M MISSING ALL ME LOVIN’ HOUSEWIVES, YOU BASTARD FATHER FECKIN’ LARS, AND I’M GONNA HAVE ME FECKIN’ REVENGE!”
”Erm, right so?”
”Oh yes. I know your priest chum stole me feckin’ milk float. Well. It’ll be the last feckin’ milk float he steals, the little shite. I’ve put a bomb on that milk float, so I have. An ingenious contraption, so I did. And when that little milk float stealing gobshite goes over four miles an hour THE FECKIN’ BOMB WILL ARM! AND AS SOON AS HE GOES UNDER FOUR FECKIN’ MILES AN HOUR, THAT BASTARD FECKIN’ BOMB WILL FECKIN’ WELL EXPLODE! AND WHEN THAT BASTARD FECKIN’ GOBSHITE BOMB FECKIN’ WELL EXPLODES, THEY’RE GONNA FECKIN’ WELL HEAR IT AT THE NORTH FECKIN’ POLE! MUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
”Oh feck!” gasps Father Lars. ”Did you hear that, Father Fusco?”
”Idon’twannabeapriestanymore!”
”Don’t worry, Father Fusco!” declares Father Lars. ”We’ll feckin’ well save you! WE’VE GOT TO FECKIN’ SAVE YOU!”
Spoiler: !!REVISED Episode Four Mechanics!! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!SPEED!! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: !!REVISED POPS!! (click to show/hide)
No priests are naked! One church is burning! Father Fusco has a -1 Crushed Foot penalty next turn!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4.5 MILES PER HOUR!
Spoiler: Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
edit: Yes, we might forego the Lead Priest for this Episode I think. Especially since Bishop Lennan isn't necessarily in the position to confer Lead Priest status on anyone just yet.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 09, 2012, 08:07:23 am
Father Brown decides the church cannot be on fire. He retrieves the perfectly fine cake and tea and serves them outside. Once villagers begin to appear, Father Brown makes them understand this as well.
Post by: Toaster on October 09, 2012, 08:31:18 am
Father Lars addresses the phone.
"Lad, stop this madness! You'll go straight to Hell if you don't stop this sort of thing!
He then addresses the live TV audience and explains to the audience that clearly priests are not violent nude arsonists, and that clearly this madman is behind the church burnings.
Besides, I wasn't even naked when that movie theater caught on fire. Oh God, here I go giving the GM ideas again.
I'll be Lead Non-Milkman Priest if no one else wants the job.
Post by: Yoink on October 09, 2012, 09:36:27 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 09, 2012, 10:04:42 am
Why did I take the keys? Why didn't I just let Lars do it. I never liked the feckin' bastard anyway..."
Use my NON-crushed foot to keep the acceleration down, and try to make my way to Mrs. O' Doherty's place and toss the milk onto the lawn.
Post by: monk12 on October 09, 2012, 11:43:31 am
Post by: micelus on October 10, 2012, 03:13:25 am
"Sorry bout that, important priestly shite and stuff....I'll do a bit of a mass for ye' cat, but since we're all out here in this feckin' beautiful air, lets sing to the heavens for the gob- um it."
Convince the people to sing the mass for the cat.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 10, 2012, 07:09:08 am
Episode Four: Turn Two: Rushing Into Action!
(http://tvmedia.ign.com/tv/image/article/110/1106047/wanna-see-a-late-night-show-live-20100714024536551.jpg)
(http://tvmedia.ign.com/tv/image/article/110/1106047/wanna-see-a-late-night-show-live-20100714024536551.jpg)
The Village of Creggenbaun Church…
Father Brown decides the church cannot be on fire. He retrieves the perfectly fine cake and tea and serves them outside. Once villagers begin to appear, Father Brown makes them understand this as well.…”Feck!” exclaims Father Brown, peering incredulously at his church before correcting himself.
“Arse!”
He looks a little closer, realises this just isn’t the type of thing he’d do, and rushes into the church to grab his perfectly burnt cake, before strolling back outside to meet his gathering congregation.
He serves tea and cake to a pair of old ladies as his church burns to the ground behind him.
“You know, Mrs O’Dearr, this whole believing in burning churches thing… it’s not really very Catholic, you know. Not even really very Irish. You know, the English are rather fond of believing in burning churches, so they are. Gobshites.”
The Village of Ardglass…
Father Lars addresses the phone.…Back in the television studio, all hell, so to speak, is breaking loose. Father Lars is still brandishing his bishop, waving it about in one hand and holding the phone before his face in the other.
He then addresses the live TV audience and explains to the audience that clearly priests are not violent nude arsonists, and that clearly this madman is behind the church burnings.
"Lad, stop this feckin’ madness!“ he shouts, to the vengeful Pat McCustard. "You'll go straight to Hell if you don't stop this sort of thing!”
The priest paces up and down the studio stage, throwing the phone to the floor, wielding the bishop above his head and addressing the camera again.
"Feck! You know, I wasn’t even naked when I set that cinema on fire! I’ve never been naked! I love clothes! Some of my best friends are clothes! You know, that feckin’ gobshite McCustard is probably naked RIGHT NOW,” he continues, tucking the bishop under his arm as he starts to clumsily kick off his shoes. "He probably likes being naked!”
A pair of security guards rushes onto the stage.
“Come on now, Father, put the bishop down and no one will get hurt!”
"Feck off! Feckin’ feck off, you pair of feckers!”
“Come on Father, put the bishop down nice and slow and we can all-“
Father Lars throws the bishop at the security guards, knocking them both to the floor! He dashes barefooted over to the nearest lighting stand, picks it up and smashes it down on the head of the nearest member of the public before picking Bishop Lennan back up. The frenzied priest tears off his cassock with one hand and clambers up amongst the audience, swatting them aside with the bishop in the other as he climbs the rows of seats.
He reaches the top and turns, waving the bishop at the studio crew and terrified villagers below.
"Come on, you bastards! I’ll show you, you feckin’ eejits! Come and take me, you gobshites! I’ve had enough! We’re not all violent nudists! I didn’t do any arson! It was him! The feckin’ bishop!”
Murmurs of scandalised astonishment break out amongst the onlookers. The camera zooms in on one of the fallen security guards speaking hurriedly into a lapel microphone.
“This is O’Jones, over. We’ve got a rogue priest in Studio 2 again. I repeat: Code 7: rogue priest in Studio 2! Requesting immediate back up! HE’S GOT A FECKIN’ BISHOP!”
Father Lars suddenly takes a moment to reflect.
“Bollocks,” he realises. He shivers with the slight chill of televised nudity.
His introspection is disturbed by a sudden piercing cry near his ear.
”FATHER LARS. PUT ME THE FECK DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I WILL MAKE YOUR BOLLOCKS INTO TEA BAGS! YOUR ARSE IS GOING TO GET KICKED SO FECKIN’ HARD IT COMES OUT YOUR FECKIN’ GOBSHITE OF A MOUTH! DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PAPUA NEW GUINEA? WHERE THEY STILL EAT MEN? I THINK THEY NEED A FECKIN’ PRIEST DOWN THERE YOU KNOW!”
Use my NON-crushed foot to keep the acceleration down, and try to make my way to Mrs. O' Doherty's place and toss the milk onto the lawn.…"FECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECK. I am so feckin' fecked right now." fecks Father feckin’ Fusco. "Why did I take the keys? Why didn't I just let Lars do it? I never liked the feckin' bastard anyway..."
Slamming his foot down, Father Fusco careers off round the corner at the bottom of the hill at over five miles per hour, expertly reaching over his shoulder to grab two bottles of milk as he drives by Mrs O’Doherty’s house. He lobs them through the open milk float window.
They shatter on her front lawn.
“One fecker down,” sighs Father Fusco. “Five feckers to go.”
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Church…
Reilly, having just heard all this, quietly slipped his phone into a pocket, and shrugged. Priorities were priorities.…"Sorry bout that, important priestly shite and stuff..." shrugs Father Reilly to his gathered villagers, "I'll do a bit of a mass for ye' cat, but since we're all out here in this feckin' beautiful air, lets sing to the heavens for the gob- um it."
Convince the people to sing the mass for the cat.
“What a lovely feckin’ idea!” exclaims Mrs O’Dirhh.
“Feck!” concurs Mr McFecarcy.
“Well, that’s decided then!” announces Father Reilly. “We shall sing… Hymn number 23, Thank Thee Lord For All Your Aid to Cats.”
The lovely morning air is soon filled with the beautiful praise of our Lord and, in particular, His aid to cats.
“Oh Lord, we pray now for Thine aid,
Oh grant us it before he’s dead.
Your wondrous workings fill our hearts with light,
Oh please Lord save yon feline gobshite.”
The villagers take over for the next verse.
“Oh Lord, we pray not just for ourselves,
But also for our cats stuck up on shelves.
They climb up where they might not descend,
So please send them Your helping hand.”
And then, as joy and faith are spread through the congregation, Father and flock join together as one for the chorus. The sun bursts through a break in the clouds above.
“Thank Thee Lord for all your aid to cats,
In parks and houses and retirement flats.
And if it comes to pass that he kicks it,
Take mercy on the feckin’ arsebiscuit!
Thank Thee Lord for all your aid to cats,
In parks and houses and retirement flats!”
One priest is naked! One church is burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 5.2 MILES PER HOUR!
Spoiler: Remaining Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 10, 2012, 08:56:36 am
Mass, mass to block out Bad Things. Not that there are any.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 10, 2012, 10:09:58 am
Post by: Toaster on October 10, 2012, 10:27:33 am
Wear the Bishop, then convince the audience that they are, in fact, better off listening to the priesthood and generally doing what we say. Also don't shoot me please
Post by: micelus on October 11, 2012, 01:58:59 am
Priorities dealt with, Reilly turned his mind over to the other issue.
"Now...I be needing some help with a friend of mine; his truck's gone a bit crazy with the bombs and needs some help; anyone of ye' a mechanic or one of those feckin' CSI bomb specialists?"
Ask the people if any of them know how to work on a car or bomb.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 15, 2012, 08:33:37 am
Episode Four: Turn Three: In The Nip!
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HLgT-wMFpI4/TcKB9IZsjCI/AAAAAAAAATU/Nito5N5vatE/s1600/2243411878_dcb2d509de.jpg)
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-HLgT-wMFpI4/TcKB9IZsjCI/AAAAAAAAATU/Nito5N5vatE/s1600/2243411878_dcb2d509de.jpg)
The Village of Creggenbaun Church…
If there was an actual burning church, with actual burning flames, they would've crackled actually pretty loud. This wasn't the case, but Father Brown still felt like he needed to lead an improvised mass to distract his congregation. Not that they needed to be distracted from anything.
Mass, mass to block out Bad Things. Not that there are any.
…Oh feck! thinks Father Brown to himself, realising that his church wasn’t on fire. I wonder what that loud crackling sound was? Only one thing for it: time to Mass!
”Ahem!” he starts, gathering a few of the tea-drinking villagers about him.
”I… er… the… um… That is to say that the… er… Nomine… er…”
”What’s that, Father Brown?”
”Speak up, Father!”
”The… er… Nomine and uh… ah feck!”
”Terrible bloody Masses, Father Brown nowadays…” mutters one old lady. ”No feckin’ heart in it… I think I’m going to have to start going to Father Lars’ Masses, you know. Feckin’ marvellous, I heard. Full of spirit, and energy, and… you know… actual Latin, and everything… Tremendous spiritual presence, I heard… Not like this feckin’ eejit… Come on, Marge, let’s feckin’ feck off…”
The Village of Ardglass…
Wear the Bishop, then convince the audience that they are, in fact, better off listening to the priesthood and generally doing what we say. Also don't shoot me please
…”Erm…”
Father Lars’ opening gambit is not necessarily the strongest defensive move he could have made, he reflects.
”I er…”
His follow up being equally weak, the priest wraps the bishop around his naked body like a feather boa – a rather less feathery and boa-y one than normal, it has to be confessed – and, strengthened by his newfound modesty, addresses the audience and TV crew below.
”You know, I, er, I really think you shouldn’t shoot me, you know… In fact, what I would say, is, generally, if a member of the priesthood suggests it, then you’re probably better off doing something. Like not shooting me. Or, you know, generally storming up them steps there looking for all the world like you’re about to subdue me with those great big lookin’ truncheons you’re wielding there! Ahem…”
The priest lets a nervous laugh escape.
”Wouldn’t you agree, Bishop Lennan?”
Father Lars blinks at Bishop Lennan standing before him.
”Bish- Feck. How- Oh feck.“
Bishop Lennan turns and faces the security guards wielding great big lookin’ truncheons who are making their way up to him and his priest.
”MY NAME IS BISHOP LENNAN, AND YOU CAN STAND THE FECK DOWN. THIS IS MY PRIEST, AND I HAVE HIM UNDER CONTROL. IF YOU LIKE, YOU CAN WATCH. WATCH AND LEARN. WATCH AND LEARN HOW TO PUNCH A FECKIN’ GOBSHITE RIGHT IN THE FECKIN’ FACE!”
Bishop Lennan punches Father Lars right in the feckin’ face!
Father Lars tumbles down the stand, comically bouncing down each step by painful step as Bishop Lennan tears off a nearby seat and thunders down the stand after the priest with it raised above his head.
”TALK, LARS! AND IF YOU VALUE YOUR FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS,” yells the bishop, ”YOU’D BETTER FECKIN’ WELL TALK GOOD! NO PRIEST WRAPS ME AROUND THEIR NAKED BUTTOCKS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT WITH THEIR BOLLOCKS INTACT!”
TO MOLONEY'S HOUSE WE GOOOO! Also, start singing, despite the serious nature of the situation.
…Meanwhile, somewhere outside the television studio, a milk float blasts wildly down McDougal Street.
As it gets closer and closer to number 23 – Mrs Moloney’s bungalow, as any eejit knows – a strange noise can be heard. A singing noise!
”I’m a priestly milkman!
I like to deliver milk!
Cheese and juice and dairy products,
And anything of that ilk!”
An eerie chorus echoes from somewhere vaguely off-screen.
”Oh, he’s a priestly milkman!
He’s off on his milk float,
Delivering cheese and milk and stuff,
Is the only thing that floats his boat!”
From within number 23 the approaching high pitched whir of the electric milk float drifts towards the occupant on the morning breeze.
”I’m a priestly milkman!
Delivering milk’s what I do!
Milk and bread and even yoghurts,
Eggs and crème fraiche too!”
”Oh, he’s a priestly milkman!
Delivering’s what he does,
Milk and bread and all sorts of stuff
Delivering’s what gives him his buzz!”
The door to number 23 opens wide as the fresh faced young priestly milkman reaches behind him for his bottles and grabs a pair, leaning out the window.
A wide open dressing gown greets him as he rolls past the bungalow.
”Oh, you’re my hairy milkman!
I’m want your delivery,
Pretend that I’m your milk float,
And then why not-“
There’s a piercing scream!
”Arggh! You’re not Pat Mc feckin’ Custard!!”
There’s an even bigger piercing scream!
”Arhhhgg! A woman!”
The door slams hurriedly shut.
Back in the cockpit of the milk float, Father Fusco is so flabbergasted by the full frontal nudity he’s just witnessed that he barely even notices the old lady crossing the road a hundred feet ahead! In his panic he drops the bottles and slams his foot down, reaching over 5.3 miles per hour!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Church…
Priorities dealt with, Reilly turned his mind over to the other issue.
Ask the people if any of them know how to work on a car or bomb.
…"That was feckin' great!" shouts Father Reilly, overcome with joy at the success of his hymn-along. "But now, really, I’ve also got some serious business, dontchaknow."
He puts on his cheery but serious smile.
"Now...I be needing some help with a friend of mine; his truck's gone a bit crazy with the bombs and needs some help; anyone of ye' a mechanic or one of those feckin' CSI bomb specialists?"
”What’s that, Father Reilly?”
”I think he said he wants a bomb?”
”Or he’s got a bomb?”
"No, no, my dears! My friend’s got a bomb, and I need to get rid of it!"
”Your friend’s not got long?”
”And you want to get rid of him?”
”What’s he say, Edna? He’s after the inheritance? Ooh dear, priests these days, eh. Feckin’ gobshites!”
"No, no! I need a bomb specialist because of the truck!"
”Because of the little what?”
”You should be ashamed of yourself, Father! I’ve never heard such filthy language from a man of the cloth!”
”Perhaps we should call the feckin’ police, Mrs O’Leckerty?”
”No, no, definitely not, he says he got a feckin’ gun!”
”A gun?”
”A gun!?”
”A gun!!”
”Quick, somebody call the feckin’ cops, he’s got a feckin’ gun! Run for your lives!”
In a bustle of sudden but rather slow activity Father Reilly’s congregation flee from the church garden in a panic, knocking each other to the ground and trampling the helpless priest in their desperation.
”Run away!”
One priest is naked! One church is burnt! Father Lars has a -1 Bishop’s Punch Penalty next turn! Father Reilly has a -1 Trampled Penalty next turn!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 5.3 MILES PER HOUR! AN OLD LADY LAYS 100 FEET AHEAD!
Spoiler: Remaining Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on October 15, 2012, 09:26:28 am
Distract the bishop by pointing out sin! Flee! Find clothing!
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 15, 2012, 09:39:51 am
Post by: Toaster on October 15, 2012, 09:57:01 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 15, 2012, 10:13:12 am
...Go around the feckin' lady! If THAT'S impossible, Wheelie over her!
Post by: micelus on October 16, 2012, 01:54:28 am
Post by: lawastooshort on October 18, 2012, 03:29:13 pm
Episode Four: Turn Four: Massed Into Submission!
(http://images.hemmings.com/wp-content/uploads//2012/04/GeneralLeejumps_700.jpg)
(http://images.hemmings.com/wp-content/uploads//2012/04/GeneralLeejumps_700.jpg)
The Village of Creggenbaun Church…
Drink some of my encouraging tea and reveal my tremendous spiritual presence. Mass the entire neighbourhood into submission.
…”Nomine!” bellows Father Brown, filled with righteous anger and feckin' furious at these feckin' ungrateful bastard villagers complaining about his spectacular Massing ability.
“Oh, wait, no,” he stops, quickly grabbing the nearest cup of tea and downing it in one, just like he used to do at priest school.
“NOMINE!” he starts again, feeling incredibly encouraged.
“Oh, hang on!” he decides, as he realises something's not quite right yet. He turns away from the crowd, whose full attention his blaring Latin has most definitely caught. He removes his cassock. He shakes his hips. He turns back round to face the crowd at roughly the same time as he starts swinging his trousers in the air around his head.
“NOMINE!” he starts once more, as Mrs O'Doherty faints to the ground.
Father Brown rips his shirt off, buttons popping off with such force one of them hits Mrs McHennity in the eye. She collapses to her knees in pain, screaming with the fear.
“FOR FECK'S FECKIN' SAKE! WILL YOU SHUT THE FECK UP AND LET ME FECKIN' FINISH, YOU FECKIN' EEJITS!” yells Father Brown, entirely possessed by the passion of the Mass. After struggling to remove his last sock whilst mounting his makeshift altar he starts Mass one final time.
“NOMMMMMMINNEEEEEEEEEEE!” he yells, star-jumping from the top of his altar into the crowd, closely following his underpants.
The congregation parts, like... like... like some Biblical reference that doesn't quite come to Father Brown's mind before his face hits the ground. He lies there for a brief moment, a star-shaped intrusion in the light covering of mud that graces the church yard. Many of the villagers voice their displeasure at this turn of events and depart, walking carefully over the unconscious bodies of the scandalised; after ambling over with her walking stick and taking a good look at Father Brown's posterior Mrs O'Flemmary does the same.
Somewhere behind Father Brown a slight hissing sound accompanies the rain as it begins to fall on the smouldering remains of his church.
The Village of Ardglass…
Distract the bishop by pointing out sin! Flee! Find clothing!
…Back in Ardglass, Father Lars is directly underneath Bishop Lennan's newly acquired war-seat. He has to think quickly.
“Oh! Wait! Feckin'... oh dear Lord! Bishop Lennan! Blasphemy! There! Right feckin' there behind you! Oh Lord save us from this terrible sight!”
“WHAT?! I SEE NO BLASPHE- OH YOU CUNNING LITTLE GOBSHITE, YOU COME BACK HERE YOU GROTTY LITTLE BOLLOCK!”
But Father Lars is already out of the television studio, his tremendous spiritual presence swinging proudly in the wind as he runs down the street.
It starts to rain a little.
Father Lars doesn't look back, and so he doesn't notice the enraged bishop chasing him down the busy street.
...Go around the feckin' lady! If THAT'S impossible, Wheelie over her!
…Very nearby, cheeks still scarlet from the scandalous female nudity he has just been blemished by, Father Fusco is hurtling out of control at nearly five and a half miles per hour towards the innocent Mrs O'Shea. She's less than ninety five metres away! He raises his hands to his face in terror!
“OhdearLordwhatthefeckhaveIdonetodeservethis?” he prays, improvising.
She's probably only eighty five metres away!
“OhmyGodohGodohGodohGodohSHITE!”
She's less than seventy five metres away!
“I... er!”
She must be sixty five metres away!
Mrs O'Shea turns at the approaching whir of the milkfloat.
She's merely fifty five metres away!
Mrs O'Shea raises her hands to her face in terror! Father Fusco's still cover his!
And now she's merely forty five metres away!
She screams in terrified fear of her life and shuffles several inches sideways in desperate escape!
She must be only thirty five metres away!
Awakened by the blood curdling cry of a banshee, Father Fusco comes to his senses. He removes his hands from his face. He remembers his priestly vocation. He remembers he is living his milkman dream. He puts his hands on the wheel. He shrieks like a school girl when he realises Mrs O'Shea and he zimmer frame are less than twenty five metres away from the milk float! He faints in horror when he realises he can't brake if he wants to live!
… … … … … ...
Father Fusco comes to.
He is in a milk float, careering towards Mrs O'Shea at just over five miles per hour, and she is no more than ten metres away from him!
He pulls up on the steering wheel!
The milk float launches into the air!
With tens of seconds to spare it leaves the ground, soaring over Mrs O'Shea's weekday hat, clearing the pedestrian crossing, and landing with a bumping crash on the road beyond. Shattered milk bottles dribble milk off the back of the float.
First Father Fusco looks back to see the poor old lady unharmed, but apparently clutching her chest and collapsing to the ground. He's not a medical professional but she looks kind of ok if you squint.
And then he looks down, towards the speedometer.
He can't help but gasp with fright when he sees he has almost reached six miles per hour! His knuckles whiten as he grips the wheel!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Church…
Sigh and run to the parish library. Oncee there, quickly learn how to defuse a car from a book.
…In the nearby parish of Cloonsherevagh, Father Reilly manages to surreptitiously escape from under the herd of pensioners and make off towards the local library. He is mere feet from the main entrance when he hears the brief wail of a police siren.
He turns to see Officer Mallarky pull up by the side of the road some twenty metres away.
Two priests are naked! One church is burnt! Father Brown has a +1 Encouraging Tea Bonus next turn!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 5.9 MILES PER HOUR! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS BARELY CONTROLLABLE!
Spoiler: Remaining Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 18, 2012, 03:48:08 pm
Ease up on the pedal, making my way to...McFinnickerty! Make sure there's still enough milk!
Post by: micelus on October 19, 2012, 01:25:28 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 19, 2012, 04:08:35 am
Post by: Toaster on October 19, 2012, 07:56:47 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 23, 2012, 11:20:27 am
Post by: lawastooshort on October 23, 2012, 02:33:34 pm
I assume you're just writing a really long turn?
Ha - no, as reasonable as that sounds. Just had family things get in the way. I'll try my best to update tomorrow as I should get more time than I have done over the last 5 or 6 days. There will be increasing delays of this sort over the next couple of months, I'm afraid.
Post by: lawastooshort on October 25, 2012, 07:17:18 am
Episode Four: Turn Five: Warp Speed!
(http://tnypic.net/ghgu6.png)
(http://tnypic.net/ghgu6.png)
The Village of Creggenbaun Church…
Practically glowing with priestly passions, Father Brown ties his remaining clothes around his waist and sets off to purge this neighbourhood of sin with mass and good Christian hospitality - getting everyone off the roads, hopefully.…His entire naked body practically glowing with mud, Father Brown gets up, strangely alone in his sodden churchyard. He looks around, ties his cassock around his waist in a disappointed attempt at modesty, and wanders over to his portable tea urn. It is still three quarters full. He mutters a quiet thanks to the Lord.
Steering carefully around those of his congregation who fainted with shame and still litter the ground, Father Brown and his tea urn make their way out of the churchyard and into the roads and lanes of Rolly Island.
Happy to finally fulfil his dream of becoming a travelling hospitality dispenser, Father Brown starts whistling the tune to his favourite Mass. There’s not a sin to be seen!
If a priests whistles a Mass in the road and nobody hears, he wonders to himself, does it really count as a Mass?
Feck yes! he concludes.
The Village of Ardglass…
Conduct a running Mass down the street with Lennan chasing me! Run in the general direction of the milk float, if possible.…Running down the busiest street in Ardglass, Father Lars starts Massing nakedly in despair. It’s not the first time.
”In nomin-“
He looks back behind him to see where Bishop Lennan has got to.
He’s right behind Father Lars!
Father Lars looks back in front of him to see where he’s running to.
He’s running right into Mrs O’Keane!
Father Lars smacks straight into the elderly housewife, knocking her and him sprawling and entwined to the ground.
”Ooh, Father Lars!” she says, noticing his damp naked body smothering her fully dressed one. ”I say! That’s a little forward!”
Father Lars barely has time to start thinking of a witty reply before he suddenly feels a tug on his ankles.
Ease up on the pedal, making my way to...McFinnickerty! Make sure there's still enough milk!…"FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“ begins Father Fusco, easing up on the pedal and-
"OH MY FECKIN’ GOD THE WIND’S LIKE A FECKIN’ HURRICANE IN MY HAIR! MUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!“
Terrified, Father Fusco glances down to see the speedometer reads more than 6.1 miles per hour! He’s eased up on the wrong pedal!
He’s still screaming in fear as he drives past Mrs McFinnickerty’s house and flings two bottles of milk at her door. They shatter and the milk dribbles down to the ground.
Peeking between his fingers, the poor priest nearly suffers a horrible heart attack. Less than two hundred metres ahead he can see both a terrible obstacle… AND A RUNNING NAKED PRIEST!
Closely followed by a Bishop!
Spoiler: Terrible Obstacle (click to show/hide)
"Oh feck!“ thinks Father Fusco. "Not… DEADLY CARDBOARD BOXES! Oh well, at least Father Lars and Bishop Lennan will be able to save me! Oh. Wait. What is Bishop Lennan doing to him? Ooh, is he swinging Father Lars about his head like some kind of human thurible? It must be some new kind of Mass thing! How exciting!“
Just then, as Father Lars and Bishop Lennan come into full view, the Bishop lets go of his naughty priest, flinging him and his naked bollocks flying through the air.
He comes to land in the vegetable stall of Mr O’Leary’s greengrocer shop!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Church…
Ask the officer what's the problem and see if it's in anyway related to a fellow clergyman.…Back outside Cloonsherevagh local library, things quickly take a turn for the worse for Father Reilly.
”Why, hello there officer! What’s the problem, donchaknow? Is it to do-“
”Stop right there! Put your feckin’ hands right in the feckin’ air you little terrorist gobshite! I know you’ve got a feckin’ bomb you nasty little bollock! Put your arms in the air where I can see ‘em and put the feckin’ bomb away! DON’T REACH FOR YOUR GUN OR I’LL SHOOT YE IN THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS! Come on! Up! You miserable little fecker! I bet you’re not even a feckin’ priest, are you!? Eh?! You know what they do to feckers who imitate priests? Eh?!”
One priest is naked and covered in vegetables! Another is dressed like Tarzan! One church has been burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 6.1 MILES PER HOUR! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS TERRIFYINGLY UNCONTROLLABLE!
Spoiler: Remaining Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Tiruin on October 25, 2012, 07:20:53 am
The battle continues. :P))
Post by: Digital Hellhound on October 25, 2012, 08:16:44 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on October 25, 2012, 10:04:56 am
SLOW DOWN a bit and hope for the best!
Post by: Toaster on October 25, 2012, 10:24:43 am
Using the vegetables as a disguise, elude the Bishop long enough to find clothing!
Post by: micelus on October 31, 2012, 02:46:47 pm
Raise hands but counter-argue that shooting a bomb supposedly in my bollocks would be a very bad idea.
Post by: lawastooshort on November 01, 2012, 08:58:33 am
Episode Four: Turn Six: Oh My Arse!
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_n9PlisoIHUM/SDUxmbLoIBI/AAAAAAAAAx4/U72CQqkgSLY/s400/COVERING+FACE+WITH+HANDS.jpg)
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_n9PlisoIHUM/SDUxmbLoIBI/AAAAAAAAAx4/U72CQqkgSLY/s400/COVERING+FACE+WITH+HANDS.jpg)
The Village of Creggenbaun…
Happily whistling onwards, Father Brown wanders to the general direction of Ardglass and the milk float. If possible, offer calming tea to all concerned.…Whistling out of tune like the happy little priest he is, Father Brown wanders off to Ardglass whilst pushing his tea urn.
He suddenly realises he is in the village of Cloonsherevagh!
There seems to be some sort of incident at the library!
The Village of Ardglass…
Using the vegetables as a disguise, elude the Bishop long enough to find clothing!…Somebody who is in Ardglass is Father Lars! He’s naked and covered in vegetables! Seeing Bishop Lennan storming towards him with righteous fury written across his brow, the good Father Lars hurriedly balances a cabbage on his head and burrows down deeper into the mass of carrots and leeks.
As he nervously peers through a gap in a bunch of onions, Father Lars sees Bishop Lennan sprint straight past!
Suddenly there’s an angst-ridden scream!
SLOW DOWN a bit and hope for the best!…"Oy! Lars!” screams the angst-ridden screamer, "You gobshite's better move them boxes or I'm gonna blow us all to feckin' 'ell!”
Ignoring the cries for help, Father Lars remains as still as he can in his pile of vegetables, and so he entirely misses the wild burst of acceleration that sends Father Fusco and his milk float hurtling out of control towards the stack of cardboard boxes in front of him!
"OH MY FECKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” screams Father Fusco. "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTE!!”
Smashing right through the cardboard boxes like so many thin, weak boxes made of cardboard, the milk float is suddenly knocked off course, taking a vicious turn to the left and heading towards a nearby lamp post!
Father Fusco looks down at the speedometer.
"OH MY ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSE!”
It reads four miles per hour exactly.
His life – and the life of the small kitten rubbing itself against the nearby lamp post – is in the balance.
The Village of Cloonsherevagh library…
Raise hands but counter-argue that shooting a bomb supposedly in my bollocks would be a very bad idea.…”Shoot me in the feckin’ bollocks?” cries Father Reilly, lowering his hands towards his waist and frantically removing his trousers. “I bet you haven’t got the feckin’ bollocks to shoot me in the feckin’ bollocks, you big feckin’ bollock! Feckin’ take this, you miserable little gobshite!” he finishes, twirling his trousers above his head and running straight at the cop.
The cop shoots him in the leg.
Father Reilly flies forward to the ground, bleeding profusely as the police officer approaches, gun in one hand and handcuffs in the other.
One priest is naked and covered in vegetables! One priest is half-naked and bleeding! Another is dressed like Tarzan! One church has been burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4 MILES PER HOUR! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS TERRIFYINGLY UNCONTROLLABLE!
Spoiler: Remaining Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on November 01, 2012, 09:39:58 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 01, 2012, 10:14:01 am
TURN! TURN THE WHEEEEEL!
Post by: monk12 on November 01, 2012, 01:47:51 pm
Post by: Tiruin on November 01, 2012, 01:49:23 pm
Save the kitten! Feck'n shite, I can't watch!I can, but my mind refuses to cooperate in the watching! D:
GSF, Do the right thing!!
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 02, 2012, 01:13:35 am
I ended up binging the whole thread. la, you bastard, now my face, my jaw, and my stomach hurt from laughing so much and I haven't gotten any sleep. I love this so much. XD)
Post by: micelus on November 02, 2012, 02:31:49 am
Groan in pain and allow him to come near, then when he tries to handcuff me, try to bloody well convince that I do not have a bomb and am trying to defuse one, ya feck.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on November 02, 2012, 08:08:57 am
Post by: lawastooshort on November 02, 2012, 08:45:11 am
Episode Four: Turn Seven: Between A Lamp Post & A Hard Milk Float!
(http://gijoh.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/cat-covering-face.jpg)
(http://gijoh.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/cat-covering-face.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
VALIANTLY leap upon the milk float and righten its course! Berate the box-stackers for their sins of impeding the clergy, and how they'll go to hell if they don't stop doing that!…The Bishop has gone…
Impending doom has arrived!
Rising nakedly from his leguminous hiding place, carrots and onions scatter to the four winds as the valiant Father Lars shouts to all who can hear.
”Come on chums!“ he cries, before turning his unique mixture of wrath and kindly advice upon some nearby box-stackers. ”One really shouldn’t impede the clergy, you know! Not with all those feckin’ satanic boxes! You’ll go straight to Hell if you don’t stop doing that kind of thing!“
Still wagging his holy finger in virulent remonstration, Father Lars dashes across the street without the slightest thought for his own safety, scandalously causing a poor driver a hundred feet away to nearly brake very slightly, and throws himself through the open window of the milk float, still speeding along towards doom and a small fluffy white kitten at exactly four miles per hour.
He lands in Father Fusco’s lap.
”Oh hello there! You’ll go straight to feckin’ Hell if you stop this bloody thing!“ he warns. ”TURN THE FECKIN’ WHEEL!!“
TURN! TURN THE WHEEEEEL!…Alas, for Father Fusco is rather too occupied to welcome Father Lars aboard his milk float of vengeance.
”AHHHHHHHHH!” screams Father Fusco. ”FECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFECKFEEEEEEEEECK!”
Ignoring the sudden appearance of a priest in his lap, Father Fusco strains with all his might to right the milk float before it smashes into the lamp post.
He can’t get it under control!
Father Lars grabs one side of the steering wheel.
Father Fusco grabs the other.
They strain with all their priestly force!
They close their eyes in holy terror!
They hear the squeal of metal on metal as the edge of the milk float grinds against the lamp post!
They pray in earnest and genuine thanks to the Lord as the milk float turns away and picks up speed!
The open road lies ahead!
Suddenly filled with a terrible feeling of desperation and worry in the pit of his holy guts, Father Fusco glances up at the rear view mirror.
”Oh thank feck for that!” he breathes. ”The feckin’ kitty’s walking away unscathed! PRAISE THE FECKIN’ LORD!”
He turns to Father Lars.
”Erm… Would you mind getting the feck of me feckin’ lap? It looks a bit… well… y’know…”
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Library…
Groan in pain and allow him to come near, then when he tries to handcuff me, try to bloody well convince that I do not have a bomb and am trying to defuse one, ya feck.…"My feckin leg! My FECKIN LEG!" groans Father Reilly, resting temporarily on the ground.
Officer Mallarky approaches with his guns and handcuffs.
Suddenly Father Reilly jumps to his feet!
"I don’t have a feckin’ bomb!" he cries, his voice filled with anger. "I don’t HAVE one, I’m just trying to feckin’ well defuse one, ya feck! You shouldn’t be shooting me, you big feckin’ bollock! You should be helping me save the entire island of Rolly Island from being blasted to smithereens, you big eejit!"
”Oh right so. Is that so?”
Investigate this incident!
…”That feckin’ well IS feckin’ so, you great feckin’ shite!” exclaims Father Brown, wandering over to investigate the unfolding incident. ”This little gobshite doesn’t have a bomb! He’s trying to defuse a bomb! MY feckin’ bomb! My feckin’ bomb in me feckin’ pants! Do you want a look?!”
Without further ado Father Brown rips off the cassock hiding his holy presence, exposes himself to the police officer, and sprints off as fast as he can in the direction of Ardglass, all the while pushing his tea urn, sloshing scalding hot tea about him as he goes.
Officer Mallarky stares open-mouthed at the weather-beaten buttocks fleeing before him and lowers his weapon, unable to shoot a fleeing naked priest.
”I… er… the… um…”
One priest is naked and on another priest’s lap! One priest is half-naked and bleeding! Another is fully naked and pushing a tea urn! One church has been burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4.3 MILES PER HOUR! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS TERRIFYINGLY UNCONTROLLABLE!
Spoiler: Remaining Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Also PTW.
Post by: Toaster on November 02, 2012, 08:55:48 am
"Righto."
Get off him, then grab two pints of milk and make the next delivery for him.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 02, 2012, 10:12:45 am
Drive off to the McDaly residence!
Post by: Digital Hellhound on November 02, 2012, 12:19:17 pm
Still resisting nudification, Father Brown keeps the tea urn covering his naughty bits as he wanders towards the milk float, hoping to take over from the unpriestly maniacs currently in control
Post by: Tiruin on November 02, 2012, 12:47:22 pm
Post by: monk12 on November 02, 2012, 02:08:21 pm
Post by: micelus on November 03, 2012, 03:16:41 am
See if the officer knows anyone who could defuse the bomb and if not, enter library and find that feckin' bomb defusing manual.
Post by: lawastooshort on November 05, 2012, 08:17:44 am
Episode Four: Turn Eight: Oh Gosh.
(http://www.premierbydesign.co.uk/images/common/bungalow.jpg)
(http://www.premierbydesign.co.uk/images/common/bungalow.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
Still resisting nudification, Father Brown keeps the tea urn covering his naughty bits as he wanders towards the milk float, hoping to take over from the unpriestly maniacs currently in control…As he wanders naked into the village of Ardglass, Father Brown reflects on life.
It is pleasant, he thinks to himself, to feel God’s own drizzle alight gently upon one’s nake- OH FECKIN’ SHITE I’M NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE VILLAGE ONCE AGAIN!
Panicking, he lifts up his tea urn in an ashamed daze, thrusting it over his exposed groin.
He pours the scalding tea all over his crotch!
His legs burn!
His unmentionables boil!
He screams in terrible pain and runs this way and that, arms flailing as he sprints blindly down the road!
The ear-shattering commotion brings several old ladies to their bungalow windows, and curtains twitch in barely concealed delight as they gaze upon the naked priest.
Get off him, then grab two pints of milk and make the next delivery for him.…"Righto," says Father Lars, not as far away from Father Brown as one might think as he gets off Father Fusco’s lap.
He thrusts his naked arse right into the windscreen as he reaches behind the seats for the two pints of milk Mrs McDaly requires.
He notices, looking out the back as he struggles to grab the bottles in the unsteady milk float, that there seem to be quite a number of old women looking out from behind their curtains at something going on in the street.
He is suddenly quite aware of his naked backside thrust against the cold glass of the milk float windscreen. He gets the milk as fast as he can, hoping to hide his shame behind the two bottles. He turns round, barely missing Father Fusco with his spiritual presence and-
Drive off to the McDaly residence!…"Thanks, ya gobshite!" happily shouts Father Fusco, freed from the hideous sensation of naked priest.
"Full speed ahead for Mrs McDal- OH JESUS SHITING FECK SHITE!" he screams as a naked priest with a bright red crotch runs straight in front of his milk float.
"OH MY FECKIN’ SHITEPANTS!" he cries as he desperately throws the milk float to the right to try to avoid this sudden nude apparition.
"OH MY F- OH SHITE I’M GOING TO HELL I’VE KILLED A MAN OH SHITE OH SHITE!" he blurts as he knocks down Father Brown and crushes his leg with the suddenly out of control vehicle.
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!" yelps Father Fusco as he sees the very solid looking brick wall of Mrs McDaly’s bungalow about a dozen metres in front of him.
"OHMYGODWE’REALLGOINGTOFECKIN’DIEEEEEEEEE!" he wails as the milk float mounts the curb, rides over the pavement, through Mrs McDaly’s delicately planted herbaceous border and onto her front lawn.
"OH MY FE- EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" he whimpers, as Father Lars falls over front first and naked onto him, completely missing his own seat and finishing up with his head dangling out of the milk float door and his feet where he had hoped to place his buttocks.
Father Fusco throws his arms over his face and screams incomprehensibly as Father Lars drops the milk bottles onto Mrs McDaly’s front lawn.
The milk float trundles onwards, the old lady’s bungalow less than ten metres away across the wet grass.
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Library…
See if the officer knows anyone who could defuse the bomb and if not, enter library and find that feckin' bomb defusing manual.…"Um...that's not the guy, but I STILL need ta defuse a feckin bomb," blasts Father Reilly as he lies on the floor bleeding. "Now if ya don't feckin’ well know any feckin’ mechanic or some feckin’ shite like that, get the feckin’ feck away, you big turdy bollock!"
”What the feck are you talking about, you big mad feckin’ eejit? You know, all this talk of bombs is very feckin’ suspicious, don’t you know? I tell you what, I think I’m feckin’ well going to have to do a strip search, you wee little gobshite,” answers the police officer.
Before Father Reilly can stop bleeding enough to mount any kind of resistance, Officer Mallarky starts tugging as hard as he can on the priest’s blood-soaked cassock, finally managing to rip it off the reluctantly and now fully naked priest just as this latter finishes struggling to his feet and flees, hobbling and trailing blood, into the local library.
”Hey! Come back you great fecker!” comes a shout behind him.
"No feckin’ way, you big pervert!" shouts Father Reilly, turning over his shoulder. "Feckin’ feck the feck off, I’ve got a village to save!!"
Officer Mallarky fires off two shots from his pistol, searches quickly in the priest’s cassock for any sign of a bomb, and then ambles dejectedly over to the library entrance. He spies Father Reilly standing over the help desk in the centre of the library. He is fairly easy to recognise.
”Hands up, you mad bastard!” shouts the cop.
"So, erm, have you got any books about bombs?" asks the priest of the librarian, in a gentle priestly voice. "Oh, and, you know, do you think you could ask this gentleman to make a little less noise?” he adds, pointing to the police officer with the gun. ”I’m fairly sure you’ll agree that a library is meant to feckin’ well be a place of learning rather than this raucous shite, don’t chaknow?"
Father Brown has a -1 Suspected Broken Leg Bonus next turn! One priest is naked and on another priest’s lap again! One priest is naked and bleeding! Another is naked and has burnt his groin and been run over and is lying on the floor! One church has been burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4 MILES PER HOUR EXACTLY! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS TERRIFYINGLY UNCONTROLLABLE! BELOW FOUR MILES PER HOUR WILL RESULT IN TERRIBLE TERRIBLE DOOM!
Spoiler: Remaining Delivery Schedule (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 05, 2012, 09:25:27 am
Post by: Toaster on November 05, 2012, 11:18:26 pm
"Where'd ye learn to drive, ye gobshite?"
Get milk, commence dropoff at next house!
Post by: micelus on November 06, 2012, 02:00:31 am
Post by: lawastooshort on November 06, 2012, 03:56:10 am
Final deliverIES. There's two left.
Oops. Must have forgotten to update that bit. Incidentally you, as co-deliverers, both got 1 POP for the delivery. There may have been some penalties for considerable nudity though. Also GSF has specified via PM that he doesn't mean to speed up directly into the house ahead, but rather to attempt to turn and drive round it. It is probable that Father Brown is currently outside the blast radius of the milk float, as an unrelated aside.
Post by: Digital Hellhound on November 06, 2012, 09:06:09 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 06, 2012, 11:04:23 am
Post by: Toaster on November 06, 2012, 11:04:52 am
Post by: Yoink on November 07, 2012, 02:35:31 am
((:P))
Post by: lawastooshort on November 07, 2012, 11:22:08 am
Episode Four: Turn Nine: Bombs For Eejits!
(http://erikniklas.net/images/rut_in_steve's_yard_small.jpg)
(http://erikniklas.net/images/rut_in_steve's_yard_small.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
Get milk, commence dropoff at next house!…Father Lars wriggles about on Father Fusco’s lap like some kind of frightening holy nudist eel, eventually managing, as the milk float approaches Mrs McDaly’s rather solid-looking bungalow, to wrest himself away and get himself upright enough to lean out the back and grab a few bottles of milk.
Suddenly Father Fusco and the milk float turn hard, throwing Father Lars once more onto his colleague’s lap and one of the bottles out of the milk float window!
The milk bottle shatters on the ground.
Speed up and drive off to the final delivery, pushing father Lars off my lap!…"Where'd ye learn to drive, ye gobshite?" shouts Father Lars, sprawled across Father Fusco and still, incidentally, quite naked.
”THE SAME PLACE WHERE YO MOMMA LEARNED TO DRIVE, YOU BIG FAT EEJIT!” replies Father Fusco. ”Now get the feck off my feckin’ lap, you naked bastard!”
Father Fusco pushes Father Lars off his lap with great force, pushing him entirely out of the window of the milk float where he rolls slitheringly on the floor in the long damp grass.
Father Fusco keeps turning hard to the left, storms round Mrs McDaly’s front lawn in a complete and very tight circle at over five mile per hour, crushes Father Lars’ legs beneath him, and screeches off towards Mrs O’Daly’s house!
Stumble on recklessly towards the next delivery destination, cursing these incompetents who think they are priests…As he screeches off, Father Fusco passes the cursing Father Brown, pushing a mobile tea urn with one hand and waving the other in the air after the careless bastard driver of an eejit so-called priest. His crotch appears to be bright red.
He catches up with Father Fusco a couple of minutes later to find his fellow so-called priest driving in circles outside Mrs O’Daly’s house, her lawn rutted to smithereens and her front wall covered in the remains of more than half a dozen milk bottles and their contents.
The deliveries are complete! The only thing left to do is return the milk float to the depot!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Library…
Keep going with the book search! Use the furniture as cover from the cop!…Meanwhile, in Cloonsherevagh municipal library, Father Reilly is on the run and in the nip, hiding behind a small chair and thumbing through a hard cover book.
If one got as close as the police officer hunting him would like to get, one would see that the book is entitled Bombs for Eejits: How to Feckin’ Well Defuse Them Fast – A Guide for Beginners.
Father Lars has a -1 Suspected Broken Leg Bonus next turn! One priest is naked! One priest is naked and bleeding! Another is naked and has burnt his groin! One church has been burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4.8 MILES PER HOUR EXACTLY! IT IS GOING IN CIRCLES ON MRS O’DALY’S LAWN! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS TERRIFYINGLY UNCONTROLLABLE! BELOW FOUR MILES PER HOUR WILL RESULT IN TERRIBLE TERRIBLE DOOM!
Spoiler: NO DELIVERIES REMAINING! (Directions) (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 07, 2012, 11:37:03 am
"Oy! Lars! Be a dear and be my GPS for now, alright ya' eejit!?
Shout the directions at him and drive off, following his instructions.
Post by: Toaster on November 07, 2012, 11:41:54 am
Assist with the assisting! Do a running down the street mass while at it!
Post by: lawastooshort on November 07, 2012, 12:40:07 pm
Post by: Tiruin on November 07, 2012, 11:58:14 pm
Post by: micelus on November 08, 2012, 02:54:55 am
Post by: Digital Hellhound on November 11, 2012, 07:03:27 am
Jump aboard the float before it gets away, force some CRISP, FOCUSING TEA down the driver's throats.
Post by: lawastooshort on November 11, 2012, 04:07:09 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on November 13, 2012, 05:54:26 am
Episode Four: Turn Ten: Incoming!
(http://i.imgur.com/MvSVO.png)
(http://i.imgur.com/MvSVO.png)
The Village of Ardglass…
Shout the directions at him and drive off, following his instructions.…Father Fusco is driving round in circles on Mrs O’Daly’s front lawn, desperately looking out his milk float window for a sign of Father Lars, last seen with his leg under the aforementioned milk float on Mrs McDaly’s front lawn a short distance down McFogle street.
Suddenly, there he is! Fathers Lars! Hobbling down the middle of the road towards Father Fusco, mumbling something in Latin about nude eejits and oh shite my bloody leg arg you great bastard oi come back here I’m going to knock your face in you-
"Oy! Lars! Be a dear and be my GPS for now, alright ya' eejit!?” asks Father Fusco, as Father Lars catches up with the milk float.
"But what about the bloody bomb, you arsebiscuit?"
But it’s too late! Father Brown suddenly realises the gravity of the situation, smashes Father Lars in the face with his tea urn, pours an emergency cuppa, and jumps on to the milk float!
Jump aboard the float before it gets away, force some CRISP, FOCUSING TEA down the driver's throats.…”Have this, you great feckin’ arsewipe!” shouts Father Brown as he starts pouring boiling hot tea all over Father Fusco’s face. ”Nothing like a nice bit of crisp, focusing tea to make sure you aren’t blown up by some mad eejit’s bomb! Come on, now DRIVE!! DRIVVEEEE!”
Assist with the assisting! Do a running down the street mass while at it!…Left in their wake is poor Father Lars, lying once more on the ground with a suspected broken leg, whose pain he nevertheless manages to forget thanks to the new pain of tea urn in the face.
He starts crawling down the street after Father Fusco and Father Brown, gibbering something to himself about ”In nomine Pa- oh feckin’ shite gnnngg…”
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Library…
Memorize the shite out of it, and if done, proceed to acquire clothing. Locate bomb car. defuse.…Meanwhile, in the village of Cloonsherevagh, Father Reilly has just memorised the shite out of his eejit’s guide to defusing bombs. He is naked, so, after carefully placing the book back in its proper place on the shelf, he walks calmly to the library exit, looks shiftily about, and then grabs a dirty raincoat from the municipal coat stand and sprints as fast as he can out the doors.
They swing violently on their hinges behind him in the windy void.
Father Reilly runs. He runs as if his life depends on it! He runs as if Rolly Island itself depends on it! It does! He runs as if he is running towards a bomb that might go off at any moment! He runs as if he were an entirely naked priest desperately trying to don a dirty raincoat whilst awkwardly dashing down a busy and vegetable-strewn Ardglass village high street with people staring and parents covering children’s eyes! His left arm flies this way and that. His right arm flails up and then down.
And then!
Freedom!
His arms burst on through, and his hands shoot out of the stained and dirty brown sleeves! A used tissue falls out of one sleeve, drifting poetically to the floor behind the priest like an autumn leaf.
The bomb.
He has to find the bomb.
He sprints.
He runs.
He pants.
He realises where he is! At the roundabout at the very edge of Ardglass!
And there!
Coming straight towards him!
The milk float of doom! He’s found it!
He puts his arms out wide.
He plants his feet firmly apart.
He assumes the stance of the master beginner bomb defuser in the centre of the mini-roundabout!
The milk float careers past him to the right, braking hard and running over his foot as Father Fusco leans out the window cursing as loud as he can, shouting something about ”GET OUT THE FECKIN’ ROAD YOU DAFT EEJIT I’VE GOT A BOMB ON BOARD!!” and suddenly the milk float flies off the roundabout, thoroughly out of control and heading straight for an oncoming truck on the wrong side of the road.
Father Fusco screams something about ”OH FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-“
The trucks blares its ungodly horn before Father Fusco can finish.
Father Fusco has a +1 Tea-Related Focus Bonus next turn! Father Fusco has a -1 Tea-Related Burnt Face Bonus next turn! One priest is naked! Another is naked and has burnt his groin! One church has been burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4 MILES PER HOUR EXACTLY! IT IS GOING IN CIRCLES ON MRS O’DALY’S LAWN! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS TERRIFYINGLY UNCONTROLLABLE! BELOW FOUR MILES PER HOUR WILL RESULT IN TERRIBLE TERRIBLE DOOM!
Spoiler: NO DELIVERIES REMAINING! (Directions) (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Digital Hellhound on November 13, 2012, 08:48:52 am
'GO ON WITHOUUUUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!' he added helpfully on the way.
Father Brown charges out and hijacks the incoming truck, attempting to crash it somewhere out of the way!
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 13, 2012, 11:00:31 am
Keep following the directions! Try to STOP BEING BURNT, and Grab Brown before he can leave me!
Post by: Toaster on November 13, 2012, 11:07:05 am
Post by: Yoink on November 13, 2012, 07:55:52 pm
Post by: micelus on November 14, 2012, 12:55:45 am
Post by: lawastooshort on November 14, 2012, 05:43:19 am
Episode Four: Turn Eleven: A Priest too Far.
(http://img.ehowcdn.com/article-new/ehow/images/a07/3m/vf/average-salary-catholic-priest-800x800.jpg)
(http://img.ehowcdn.com/article-new/ehow/images/a07/3m/vf/average-salary-catholic-priest-800x800.jpg)
A Short Distance Outside the Village of Ardglass…
Jump onto the float and defuse the feckin bomb! Ignore driver!
…Ignoring the pain of his slightly crushed foot, Father Reilly jogs after the milk float, dramatically throws himself onto the back, and lands amongst the dozens of empty glass bottles rattling about the now half-empty milk crates. He hopes the pain in his groin is just the pain of impact, and nothing to do with the many shards of glass he suddenly seems to be lying on.
He starts looking frantically for the bomb.
It doesn’t seem to be on this part of the milk float.
Under it, perhaps?
Keep following the directions! Try to STOP BEING BURNT, and Grab Brown before he can leave me!
…"YOOOOOOUU AAAAAAAAAAAARSE!" screams Father Fusco. "YOU GREAT BIG FECKIN’ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARSE!"
He deathgrips the steering wheel with one hand, wipes the scalding tea off his face with the other, and notices Father Brown trying to escape both his wrath and the milk float just in time to desperately try to grab the fleeing priest’s cassock and hold him back.
…But Father Brown is naked! Father Fusco grabs hold of thin air, which is probably the best thing he could have hoped for in the circumstances, and Father Brown leaps off the milk float and throws himself in the direction of the incoming truck.
The milk float inches closer towards the truck.
It looks quite big.
Father Brown charges out and hijacks the incoming truck, attempting to crash it somewhere out of the way!
…”Death to the Engliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish!!!” shouts Father Brown as he leaps bravely out of the milk float, the ancient battle cry of his family shooting up from the depths of his subconscious to express the life and death nature of everyday rural priesting. He looks behind him as he throws himself towards the incoming truck. ”'GO ON WITHOUUUUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” he helpfully adds.
…The onrushing truck knocks him to the ground, smashing his legs and his arms and his liver to a paste as it drives unstoppably over him.
VALIANTLY leap onto the oncoming truck, leg pain be dammed, and tell the truck driver he's an awful sinner for interfering with Church business and will go to straight to Hell if he doesn't stop that. The gobshite.
…On the other side of the truck, Father Lars has a little more luck. He leaps as valiantly as he can at the side door of the cab, and stands on the step in the rushing wind as he prises it open.
”Hey! You there! You awful gobshite! You’re a feckin’ sinning gobshite, you know that! You’re going straight to Hell if you don’t stop that!”
The driver turns to look at the naked priest berating him from the suddenly open door of his truck and, entirely distracted, completely forgets to turn to avoid the out of control milk float hurtling towards him.
There’s a bit of a bang.
When the truck skids to a halt more than a hundred metres further down the road, the front of the cabin blown off, the window shattered, and the driver …seriously wounded with blood pouring down his face, Father Lars steps off the doorstep and stares uncomprehendingly at the destruction spread across what was the roundabout.
…His once immaculate hair has been ruined by the blast.
As he walks up the road towards the crater, a hand that he, through the grace of God, manages to recognise as Father Fusco’s falls from the sky, bouncing off his naked shoulder and landing at his feet.
He picks it up, instinctively trying to pocket it in a cassock he lost long ago.
And then!
A miracle!
No more than twenty metres from the epicentre of the explosion, Father Lars comes across the …broken and battered body of Father Reilly, lying in a rather strange posture on the ground but clearly conscious and breathing!
”Feeeeeeeeeeeeeee-“ groans Father Reilly, breathing heavily and trying to point to the sky.
Father Lars looks up just in time to see the burnt out carcass of the milk float fall from heaven.
…He leaps out of the way!
…Father Reilly is not so lucky, and the milk float seems to emit a strangely comic whistle as it hurtles down towards him.
He is thoroughly squashed!
Father Lars falls to his knees with grief, shaking his fists at the sky.
”You bastard! You great big heartless bastard! Why is it always the best ones that get taken! They could have all been Pope one day! I’ll never forget this, Lord!! I’LL NEVER FORGET THIS!”
One priest is naked! Another is naked and has burnt his groin and been crushed to death by a truck! Another priest has been blown up but was at least fully dressed! Another priest has been crushed by falling debris! One church has been burnt!
Spoiler: NO DELIVERIES OR MILK FLOAT REMAINING! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: SeriousConcentrate on November 14, 2012, 05:48:41 am
Post by: Yoink on November 14, 2012, 06:04:51 am
That was... Amazing. :o Rest in Peace, you daft gobshites! Also, "No deliveries or milk float remaining!" is a classic.))
Post by: Digital Hellhound on November 14, 2012, 07:07:09 am
LARS YOU BASTARD THIS IS TOTALLY YOUR FAULT I WILL HAUNT YOU AND THE REST OF YOU INCOMPETENTS FOR ALL OF ETERNITY))
Post by: Taricus on November 14, 2012, 08:25:41 am
Post by: Toaster on November 14, 2012, 10:27:34 am
Think of it this way- you three don't have to worry about Bishop Lennan making cassocks out of your bollocks.
Post by: Tiruin on November 14, 2012, 10:31:58 am
:P
Good work, lads. You will all be commended.))
Post by: Toaster on November 14, 2012, 10:36:23 am
Honestly, I think it's Lars himself- glancing back over old turns, people seem to die near him at an alarming rate. It might even cross over into totally-unrelated characters that might have a similar name to him.
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on November 14, 2012, 11:12:12 am
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS! YOOOOOOOUU AAAAAAAAAARSE!
Good luck in the next episode, dude.))
Post by: monk12 on November 14, 2012, 12:57:20 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on November 15, 2012, 07:27:01 am
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops.
(http://www.gazetteandherald.co.uk/resources/images/1049946/?type=display)
(http://www.gazetteandherald.co.uk/resources/images/1049946/?type=display)
The Village of Ardglass…
”WELL,” intones Bishop Lennan. ”I THINK THAT WENT FAIRLY WELL, ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. THREE AWFUL EEJITS IN INTENSIVE CARE, AND THE ISLAND’S MILK CRISIS AVERTED.”
”Intensive care?”
”YES. APPARENTLY AND UNFORTUNATELY, BEING BLOWN TO TINY TINY PIECES ISN’T CONSIDERED FATAL NOWADAYS. AT LEAST THE GOBSHITES WON’T BE PRIESTING AGAIN ANY TIME SOON THOUGH, EH? JUST AS WELL, BECAUSE I WAS FECKIN’ WELL BEGINNING TO HAVE ENOUGH OF YOUR GODAWFUL EEJIT EXCUSES,” he says, suddenly switching to a strange whiny voice.
”Oooh, Bishop Lennan, I was just feckin’ well doing a Mass and then suddenly the church just feckin’ well SPONTANEOUSLY BURNT DOWN. DID IT NOW?! YOU BUNCH OF FECKIN’ EEJITS! CAN’T EVEN DELIVER MILK WITHOUT CAUSING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS WORTH OF DAMAGE! AND YOU! FATHER LARS! DON’T THINK I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I SAID I WAS GOING TO DO WITH YOUR BOLLOCKS!”
Bishop Lennan takes a minute to breathe.
”LUCKILY FOR YOU TODAY IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY FOR ROLLY ISLAND. A VERY SPECIAL DAY. THE HOLY STONE OF CLONFECKERT IS, AFTER YEARS OF PAPERWORK AND PLEADING, GOING TO BE UPGRADED!”
Several gasps escape from the watching priests.
”I KNOW, I KNOW. WE WILL BE TRULY BLESSED TO HAVE A CLASS TWO RELIC ON THE ISLAND. TOURISTS WILL FLOCK HERE BY THE DOZEN. THE ISLAND’S ECONOMY WILL REACH UNIMAGINABLE BOOMY HEIGHTS. IT IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.”
Bishop Lennan sits down, looking slightly dejected.
”UNFORTUNATELY THIS MEANS THERE HAS TO BE A CEREMONY, AND FOUR BISHOPS ARE COMING TO PERFORM IT. YOU WILL LOOK AFTER THE FECKERS.”
He stares each one of you in the eye, one by one.
”MAKE SURE THIS FECKIN’ CEREMONY HAPPENS, OR I WILL RAM THE HOLY FECKIN’ STONE OF CLONFECKERT UP YOUR FECKIN’ BACKSIDES!”
A little while later, the four priests are sipping tea in the parochial house when the door suddenly opens. Five Bishops enter.
Bishop Lennan speaks first.
”RIGHT. YOU, LARS, YOU BIG GOBSHITE. LOOK AFTER BISHOP FACHS HERE. YOU, ERROL, YOU TURGID EEJIT. SEE THAT BISHOP O’NEILL GETS TO THE CEREMONY SAFELY. YOU, TIRUIN, YOU STALE ARSEBISCUIT. TAKE CARE OF BISHOP JORDAN. AND YOU. O’FECKERTY. YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP MCFECKERTY. MAKE THEM FEEL WELCOME.”
Bishop Lennan leaves.
Mrs O’Reilly, the housekeeper, comes in with tea.
”So then,” starts Bishop Jordan. ”Let’s upgrade the feck out of this feckin’ stone then, shall we?”
Spoiler: Episode Five Mechanics! (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: POPS (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Yoink on November 15, 2012, 07:42:20 am
"D'you want a feckin' tour of Rolly-feckin'-Island or should we just get straight to the feckin' upgrading?" He glanced about at each of his fellow priests and their respective bishops, looking thoughtful as an idea came to him. "Oh! Y'know what we should get for this whole ceremony business? A bunch o' them feckin' wiggly earpiece things, like what them feckin' special forces an' secret agents an' national feckin' security types have! To coordinate shite and that, y'know?"
>Offer tour to Bishop!
>Suggest wiggly earpiece radio things for the team!
Post by: Tiruin on November 15, 2012, 08:04:59 am
"My friend! Your name is famous in all the land for your deed! What say we all conduct masses beforehand when the tourists arrive? Surely they will have time before the opening ceremony - including our Bishops' presence!"
Tiruin, upon gazing at Father Feck-erty, smiled the broad smile only he could do.
"Communication is the path to wisdom. I agree!"
Wiggly earpiece radios, GO!
Get acquainted with my higher brethren! ALL of them, if possible!
"Bishop Jordan, a fancy name. Sounds like one of them basketball stars, I say. How have you been, and I say, that is one fancy collar you're wearing. How large is it and is it dry-clean only? And, oh! Look at~"
Post by: Toaster on November 15, 2012, 08:41:59 am
He turned to the Bishop.
"Bishop Fachs! Father Lars here, and I do hope you enjoy your visit to the island! I trust your trip went well?"
Make small talk with the Bishop and try to determine what potential horrible things he is likely to get involved in, since nothing ever goes right around here.
Post by: Errol on November 15, 2012, 01:10:13 pm
Uhhh... brothers of cloth. Are you sure your fecking cassocks are tightly affixed to your fecking bodies and staying there? We wouldn't want yet another nudity-related incident..."
Do some awkward smalltalk with the bishop, taking great care to not mention the topic of little boys. Find out what he's like. Listen to the other conversations.
Then purchase a second, fire-retardant, cassock.
Also wiggly earpieces thing.
Post by: lawastooshort on November 26, 2012, 10:22:20 am
Post by: Yoink on December 02, 2012, 09:17:35 am
Post by: lawastooshort on December 03, 2012, 05:34:33 pm
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn One: You Rang, Father?
(http://www.yourlocalweb.co.uk/images/pictures/11/70/standing-stone-in-a-field-114838.jpg)
(http://www.yourlocalweb.co.uk/images/pictures/11/70/standing-stone-in-a-field-114838.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
>Offer tour to Bishop!
>Suggest wiggly earpiece radio things for the team!
..."Right, 'ello Bishop, yer great big shite!" nods Father O'Feckerty to Bishop McFeckerty. "D'you want a feckin' tour of Rolly-feckin'-Island or should we just get straight to the feckin' upgrading?"
“Great big shite?” shouts Bishop McFeckerty in a voice a few shades lighter than Bishop Lennan's but still not particularly agreeable without ear protection. “Great big shite? I'll give you a great big shite right up the arse, yer great big feckin' shitebiscuit!”
Bishop McFeckerty gives Father O'Feckerty a great big shite right in the feckin' face, in fact, just to surprise him, punching him to the ground, kicking him in the bollocks, and stepping over the groaning priest on his way to the door.
“Are we going to go on this feckin' gobshite tour of the island or are you going to roll about on the floor like some kind of mouldy feckin' bollock bag?”
“Nnngnggn right yes Your feckin' Highness! Erm Your Grace... Erm... Oh feck,” fecks O'Feckerty. He suddenly turns to his priestly companions, although it could just be a coincidental effect of his prolonged and agonised writhing on the ground. "Oh! Y'know what we should get for this whole ceremony business? A bunch o' them feckin' wiggly earpiece things, like what them feckin' special forces an' secret agents an' national feckin' security types have! To coordinate shite and that, y'know?"
"Bloody good idea with the earpieces, mate.” harrumphs Father Lars, striding over to O'Feckerty, standing over him and wondering whether he should give the downed priest a quick kick in the groin. He decides he won't. "How about you go get us some, you wee eejit?"
Lars turns to go back to his Bishop.
“Little gobshite,” he mutters under his breath.
Wiggly earpiece radios, GO!
Get acquainted with my higher brethren! ALL of them, if possible!
..."Communication is the path to wisdom. I agree!" agrees Father Tiruin, turning to the sage Father O'Feckerty with a constipated smile straining across his face. He steps up and peers closely at the now slightly uncomfortable Father Lars before bowing in a slightly stilted fashion.
"My friend! Your name is famous in all the land for your deed! What say we all conduct masses beforehand when the tourists arrive? Surely they will have time before the opening ceremony - including our Bishops' presence!"
“What?”
Oblivious to his failure to capture Father Lars' attention, Father Tiruin storms on to his next victim.
"Bishop Jordan, a fancy name. Sounds like one of them basketball stars, I say. How have you been, and I say, that is one fancy collar you're wearing. How large is it and is it dry-clean only? Do you like that size of collar? I quite like that shade of white, I have to say, one of my favourites. And, oh! Look at-"
”Me feckin' collar? What? Now, you know, since I'm here, perhaps I could help with your spiritual development? Give some ecumenical advice? Do you have any spiritual worries, my son?”
Make small talk with the Bishop and try to determine what potential horrible things he is likely to get involved in, since nothing ever goes right around here.
...Father Lars instructs O'Feckerty, pointedly ignores the strange Father Tiruin, and turns to his Bishop.
"Bishop Fachs! Father Lars here, and I do hope you enjoy your visit to the island! I trust your trip went well?"
”The trip was feckin' awful! I came here once before, when I was a wee lad. I feckin' hated it! Let's get this feckin' relic business out the feckin' way! You know, did you ever wonder just what the feck was going on with this feckin' relic business? A Holy feckin' Stone? On Rolly feckin' Island?”
Do some awkward smalltalk with the bishop, taking great care to not mention the topic of little boys. Find out what he's like. Listen to the other conversations.
Then purchase a second, fire-retardant, cassock.
Also wiggly earpieces thing.
..."Er. Right then. Um. Your somewhat holy holiness O'Neill? You had a good trip, yes? Good ride on the boy- OH FECK I MEAN ON THE BOAT? THE BOAT! A GOOD RIDE ON THE FECKIN' BOAT? No werewolves? I hear that a lot of the feckers have been around recently. Um. So. Werewolves."
”A good erm ride uh yes erm the?”
”Ok, right so. Erm. Tea? Uhhh... brothers of the cloth. Are you sure your fecking cassocks are tightly affixed to your fecking bodies and staying there? We wouldn't want yet another nudity-related incident..."
”Nudity?” asks Bishop O'Neill, turning bright red. ”Erm. You know, I don't really want any of that. Got a bit of a weak heart, so I have. Seventy nine, don't you know?”
...But alas! Father Errol doesn't hear. He's already rushed out the door to Ardglass's local fire retardant cassock shop!
But it's a Tuesday.
It's shut.
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on December 03, 2012, 10:07:28 pm
"It's pretty incredible, isn't it, Bishop? Our own little island with a Holy Relic? But you're right- let's go!
Depart with Bishop Fachs toward the relic site!
Post by: Errol on December 04, 2012, 08:46:39 am
If the Bishop requests something, purchase it, then depart with him. If not, also depart. Drive cautiously and turn on classical music. Avoid other priests with wiggly earpiece thingies.
Post by: Yoink on December 05, 2012, 05:49:35 pm
In a louder voice he said, "Right this way, your Bishopliness. I'll show yer all the important feckin' bits..."
>Enter vehicle with the Bishop!
>Give whirlwind tour of the Island's pubs, clubs, football stadiums and other dens of ill repute! Oh, drive past a church or two at some point, too.
"Oh, just a sec, Bishop. Got ter pick somethin' up."
>Stop off and borrow cash for wiggly earpieces from Mr O'Dimmerty along the way! Make sure to punch him in the face before he can react. Don't let the feckin' arsebiscuit catch me off-guard this time!
>Then buy some wiggly earpieces from a shop on the way back.
Post by: Tiruin on December 06, 2012, 12:47:41 am
To the relic site!
Father Tir moved along with O'Feckerty, Bishop Jordan in tow, pointing out the scenery with his hand and continuing on his tangent, "-the size of those busts! Pretty amazing when you view them at this angle, as if the sun was reflecting itself against their lightness...oh, did I forget the green grass and lovely flowers, best for the masses we're going to have. The natives love the art and natural scenery around them, including the length of their clothing. Did you see? Extravagant I tell you. The Holy Relic reminds me of that one time I committed - ahh, surely it will be much better in person.
"Say, I'm keeping notes on the size of people's clothing. I mean, in this weather, can you believe how much these things shrink in the washers? All that water and all that detergent, especially if it comes from a higher source. How long is your collar by the way?-"
Post by: lawastooshort on December 11, 2012, 07:21:42 am
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Two: Ditches and Department Stores!
(http://www.mccullagh.org/db9/950-8/sf-beach-sidewalk-rain.jpg)
(http://www.mccullagh.org/db9/950-8/sf-beach-sidewalk-rain.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
>Enter vehicle with the Bishop!
>Give whirlwind tour of the Island's pubs, clubs, football stadiums and other dens of ill repute! Oh, drive past a church or two at some point, too.
>Stop off and borrow cash for wiggly earpieces from Mr O'Dimmerty along the way! Make sure to punch him in the face before he can react. Don't let the feckin' arsebiscuit catch me off-guard this time!
>Then buy some wiggly earpieces from a shop on the way back.
…"Feckin' hoity-toity off-islander gobshites..." grumbles Father O'Feckerty to himself as he leads the way out to the parish garage.
"Right this way, your Bishopliness," he adds in a louder voice, "I'll show yer all the important feckin' bits... Like the er… um… the…"
Father O’Feckerty jumps in the car with Bishop McFeckerty, Father Tiruin and Bishop Jordan quickly hopping into the back seats with them.
Father O’Feckerty starts the engine and pulls out of the priestly drive.
To the vehicle! Start on the long and arduous road of conversation while in vehicles. Impress him with the scenery and keep him content with my words.
To the relic site!
…"-the size of those busts!” drones Father Tiruin, causing Father O’Feckerty to think of something completely different. "Pretty amazing when you view them at this angle, as if the sun was reflecting itself against their lightness...oh, did I forget the green grass and lovely flowers, best for the masses we're going to have. The natives love the art and natural scenery around them, including the length of their clothing. Did you see? Extravagant I tell you. The Holy Relic reminds me of that one time I committed – ahh, surely…"
Suddenly Father O’Feckerty slams on the brakes, and inadvertently slams Bishop Jordan’s face into the headrest in front of him. The car stops in front of the local post office, the engine still running.
"Oh, just a sec, Bishop. Got ter pick somethin' up!"
He dashes out the car, runs into the post office, and runs out again a minute later holding a bag of cash and rubbing his knuckles. He slides back into the car and burns off in a burst of smoke and dust.
Father Tiruin’s droning doesn’t so much as pause for the slightest of half-seconds.
Depart with Bishop Fachs toward the relic site!
…Meanwhile, back at the parochial house, Father Lars is still making friendly chit chat with his irritable bishop.
"It's pretty incredible, isn't it, Bishop? Our own little island with a Holy feckin’ Relic? But you're right- let's go!”
He ties his shoelaces and the pair trudge off down the lane in the damp and drizzle.
Feckin’ eejits, thinks Father Lars to himself. Taking the only bastard cars. This is going to take a feckin’ hour if we don’t cut across the feckin’ fields…
”Feckin’ mud!” grumbles the Bishop, mostly to himself. ”Feckin’ bastard rain! Feckin’ wind! Feckin’ islands! Feckin’ damp! Feckin’ drizzle! Feckin’ feck! Feckin’ feckintown!”
If the Bishop requests something, purchase it, then depart with him. If not, also depart. Drive cautiously and turn on classical music. Avoid other priests with wiggly earpiece thingies.
…Not long after Father Lars and Bishop Fachs trudge off down the lane in the damp and drizzle, Father Errol zooms up the lane from the other direction, drives up the driveway, and skids to a stop in front of the parochial house. He strides purposefully in.
"Er. Right then. Well, feck. Um. Bishop O'Neill? We'll be departing now. That all right with you, or do you still need something?"
”I er… the um… Yes! Socks!”
"Erm. Right so. Er, let’s go then!"
Father Errol speeds off to the nearest department store in a terribly uncautious way.
Some Distance Outside the Village of Ardglass…
"…say, I'm keeping notes on the size of people's clothing. I mean, in this weather, can you believe how much these things shrink in the wash? All that water and all that detergent, especially if it comes from a higher source, and, you, know, the plumbing costs and all that, terribly difficult to get a good plumber for a reasonable price round here you know, but, anyway, how long is your collar by the way? I like mine the traditional length, but some of the younger priests, well-"
Suddenly Father Tiruin’s terrible droning takes its terrible toll, and Father O’Feckerty falls asleep at the wheel from sheer boredom, and drives straight into a nearby ditch!
The sudden impact wakes him up with a bit of a jolt, although the two bishops seem to be more seriously afflicted, and can still be heard snoring over the flames that suddenly burst out from under the bonnet!
The Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
”Oh feckin’ shite, Father Errol, this is doing my heart no good at all you know! We’ve been wandering round in circles in this lingerie department for HOURS!”
"Yes. Well. You know, it’s the largest lingerie department in Ireland, you know? Quite astonishing, really."
”Yes, Father Errol, I think you may have mentioned it. You know, if I, as a Bishop, am seen wandering about in Ireland’s largest lingerie department, it would be a right terrible feckin’ scandal! It’ll make all the front pages! I don’t know HOW the feck you managed to get us lost in here! I just wanted a feckin’ sock!”
"I… erm..."
Father Errol suddenly comes face to face with what is clearly some kind of bra. He nearly stumbles to the floor in fright!
"Oh gosh. The um… I… Keep looking down, Your Grace! Keep looking down!"
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: freeformschooler on December 11, 2012, 07:59:10 am
Post by: Toaster on December 12, 2012, 10:39:19 am
Get some coffee for the irritable bishop, paying for his. Improve his morale with scripture!
Post by: Errol on December 13, 2012, 05:41:54 am
Post by: Yoink on December 16, 2012, 08:47:56 am
Father O'Feckerty was furious. He screamed at Father Tiruin in a rage for a good moment, then abruptly realized the situation.
"Oh feck oh feck oh fecking fecked feck..." He muttered through clenched teeth as he ran to the vehichle.
>Pull Bishop McFeckerty from the wreck before it can explode and deposit him a safe distance away!
The other one, too, if there's time!
>Then give Father Tiruin a good kick in the bollocks, followed up by a punch in the gob for being so dangerously feckin' boring!
Post by: Tiruin on December 16, 2012, 08:51:51 am
Also, clear the area.
"-and then that one time wherein...Oh dear, it looks like our Bishops lacked sleep.
"Feckerty, you should be paying more attention to the road! I've been talking on and on, and its not like you can fall asleep by listening to my words. This reminds me of one time-" Father Tiruin continues in his act, "Where I took a good rest in one of the King mattresses they had on sale last week..."
Post by: lawastooshort on December 18, 2012, 04:05:04 pm
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Three: Naked Scripture!
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2464/3714653467_104859832b.jpg)
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2464/3714653467_104859832b.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
Get some coffee for the irritable bishop, paying for his. Improve his morale with scripture!
…"This rain is a bit unpleasant, what!" remarks Father Lars, coming over all feckin’ English like some kind of great feckin’ eejit. "Why don’t we have some feckin’ coffee! Read a bit of feckin’ scripture! Get the feckin' morale up!"
Luckily passing right by a nearby café, Father Lars drags his bishop inside and sits him down before walking over to the counter and noticing the particularly dark and sombre décor of-
"OH MY!" shouts Father Lars, suddenly lowering his voice and turning round to check Bishop Fachs hasn’t noticed. "Feck!" he finishes, whispering at the naked elderly waitress behind the counter and staring up in shock at the café’s logo on the wall.
"The Naked Heathen Café?!?! I can’t feckin’ well let a naked heathen pour coffee for a feckin’ bishop! I can’t even let a feckin’ bishop see any naked feckin’ heathens! I’ll never get feckin’ promoted if a bishop hears I have naked feckin’ heathens on my feckin’ island! Feck! We need to get out of here FAST!" He ambles sheepishly back to Bishop Fachs.
"Erm! Your Grace! I’m afraid they’ve not got any coffee left! Let’s go!"
”No feckin’ coffee! What the feck! I need some kind of feckin’ caffeine to survive this feckin’ drizzly island of shite! Let me go and have a look over their alternatives meself then!”
"Erm! No! Your Grace! I’m afraid they’ve got nothing at all!"
”What?!” demands Bishop Fachs, incredulously, before turning to the waitress behind the counter. ”YOU’VE GOT NO FECKIN’ DRINKS AT ALL IN A FECKIN’ CAFÉ? WHAT KIND OF FECKIN’ EEJITS ARE YOU, YOU RIDICULOUS GOBSHITES?!”
”What’s that Your Grace?” asks the naked elderly heathen behind the counter. ”We’ve got plenty of coffee! Look, Your Grace, I’ll bring you some over right now!”
The waitress walks towards the end of the counter.
"Nooooooooooooooo!" cries Father Lars, sprinting towards the waitress, hoping to reach her before she reveals her naked heathenness to the bishop. "Only priests are allowed to feckin’ serve coffee to bishooooops!!"
Just as the naked elderly heathen reaches the end of the counter, Father Lars flies through the air at waist height, crashes into her, and tackles her to the floor where she lands with a smash. Her tray of coffee flies through the air, two generous cups hurled towards the wall just above Bishop Fach’s head.
They smash, covering the bishop’s lovely purple cassock with hot coffee.
As Bishop Fachs rises to severely admonish Father Lars, the back door of the café bursts open. An elderly naked heathen, a man this time, stands in the doorway carrying a shotgun.
”WHAT’S ALL THIS FECKIN’ SHOUTING THEN?! Oh, hello Your Grace!”
His gaze quickly switches from the bishop to the priest wrestling his naked wife.
”AND WHAT THE FECK ARE YOU DOING ON ME FECKIN' WIFE, YOU FECKIN’ PRIEST?”
A Ditch Outside the Village of Ardglass…
>Pull Bishop McFeckerty from the wreck before it can explode and deposit him a safe distance away!
The other one, too, if there's time!
>Then give Father Tiruin a good kick in the bollocks, followed up by a punch in the gob for being so dangerously feckin' boring!
…"What the feck have you done now, you bloody stupid gobshite?!" screams the furious Father O’Feckerty, standing by the burning priestly car in the muddy ditch just outside the village of Ardglass. Suddenly he remembers the bishops in the burning car!
"Oh feck oh feck oh fecking fecked feck!" he eloquently mutters as he dashes closer to the blaze. "Oh feck oh feck oh feckerty feck!" he adds, jumping into the fiery car head first and then delivering such a firm kick to Bishop McFeckerty’s arse that His Grace flies out of the vehicle, through the drizzly air, and lands a safe distance away in the ditch.
"Oops," mumbles O’Feckerty. "He doesn’t look very pleased. Oh well, start as you mean to go on and all that," he affirms, hauling himself out of the car and into the path of Father Tiruin, dashing to the fiery inferno to rescue his own bishop.
"-and then that one time wherein...Oh dear, it looks like our Bishops lacked sleep. O’Feckerty, you should be paying more attention to the road! I've been talking on and on, and it’s not like you can fall asleep by listening to my riveting words. This reminds me of one time-" Father Tiruin continues, "Where I took a good rest in one of the king size mattresses they had on sale last week..."
Father Tiruin stops abruptly as O’Feckerty kicks him right in the feckin’ bollocks and then bends to the floor to punch the stricken priest right in the gob.
Appease the situation via diplomacy, by that I mean HELP OUT THE BISHOPS - prioritizing that who is in more trouble - and my fellow Father if any conflict is to come!
Also, clear the area.
…"-and then, you, I said, well, only if you still do the old priestly discount you know, I said, flashing a bit of the old stiff Betty" recommences Father Tiruin, flailing about on the floor and bleeding a little from the corner of his mouth. He has a sudden realisation.
”You feckin’ punched me right in the gob, you great eejit! And what about me feckin’ bishop! He’s in the burning feckin’ car!"
"Oh right. So he is. Don’t want the eejit to feel left out now, do we?" realises Father O’Feckerty in his turn, heroically walking back over to the car and smashing Bishop Jordan right in the feckin’ gob. The force knocks the bishop out of his seat and out of the open door, into the wet and slippery ditch. He rolls over once and slides the few feet into the dreary ditch water at the bottom, a joyful streak of mud suggestively staining the back of his bishoply cassock.
Father Tiruin struggles to his feet and watches aghast as Father O’Feckerty wanders into the middle of the road and strips naked before using his cassock to flag down a passing car, dragging the innocent driver out onto the tarmac and kicking him right in the bollocks! Father Tiruin suddenly realises Bishop Jordan is now the nearest person to the probably-about-to-explode car!
"...Oh I… um… you see, mustn’t get too damp, Your Grace," he blurts, dashing over to his bishop. "And, you know, you’re a bit too close to the car for my liking, Your Grace," enthuses the dronesome priest. "You know, I read somewhere just the other day that the average car explosion radius, in the average 1992 model Vauxhall Nova like this one," he continues, as he turns the bishop over and drags him up and out of the ditch, now covering the front of his cassock in a muddy stain, "Is about twenty seven point eight metres," he concludes as he lays the filthy bishop on the roadside exactly twenty eight metres from the car whose last few flames, as Father Tiruin turns to observe them, fizzle out in the miserable dribble.
A small wisp of smoke escapes from the wreckage.
Naked Father O’Feckerty finishes enthusiastically kicking the groaning driver in the crotch and surveys his companions: Bishop McFeckerty face down in the ditch, Bishop Jordan covered in mud on the roadside, and Father Tiruin bleeding, now quite profusely, from the face.
”Are you feckin’ well coming or not, yer big bunch of gobshites?”
He climbs into his new car and starts the engine.
The Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
Perform quick exorcism! Leave scene with bishop in tow. Drive to the nearest church with the Bishop to calm him down, maybe organize a mass, then requisition socks.
…Meanwhile, back in the nearest department store in the village of Ardglass, Mrs O’Patrick is queuing with Mrs MacBrien at the checkout in the largest lingerie department in Ireland.
”I say, Mrs O’Patrick,” says Mrs MacBrien,”Can you hear some kind of kerfuffle going on?”
”I dare say I can, Mrs MacBrien,” says Mrs O’Patrick, her ears twitching with excitement. ”It seems to be coming from over there!”
”I say, Mrs O’Patrick,” says Mrs MacBrien,”Is that naked priest Father Errol from your parish?”
”I dare say it is, Mrs MacBrien,” says Mrs O’Patrick, her eyes widening with scandal. ”He seems to be wearing a bra upon his head!”
”Come back here, Father Errol you great gobshite!” shouts Bishop O’Neill, chasing the priest through the blue lingerie section as fast as his aging heart allows him. ”Come back here, you stupid eejit! THAT’S NOT HOW YOU FECKIN’ WELL EXORCISE A PIECE OF LADIES UNDERWEAR! Come back at once before you suffer irreparable damage!”
”Oh feck, Mrs O’Patrick,” says Mrs MacBrien,”They’re feckin’ well coming back this way!”
”I do believe they are, Mrs MacBrien,” says Mrs O’Patrick, her face blushing with astonishment. ”Doesn’t Father Errol look terribly spiritual! Oh feckin’ SHITE, Mrs MacBrien, LOOK OUT!”
Just then Father Errol, suddenly and partially blinded by the dangling bra strap on his head pinging back into his eye, trips over a purple panty display and tumbles at top speed into the queuing women. He slides along the floor, chafing himself lightly and turning as he lies to see Bishop O’Neill bearing down upon him.
The panting bishop catches up with Father Errol with a glint of triumph in his eyes, rips the bra off the priest’s head and, pulling a cigarette lighter out of his cassock pocket, sets the offending piece of underwear alight.
”The power of Our Lord,” shouts the bishop, flinging the burning bra away from him with all his force, ”Compels you!”
The bra lands on a neatly arranged display of peach coloured pantyhose a few feet away, and immediately flares up in a six foot tall ball of flame.
”That,” yells Bishop O’Neill to Father Errol, ”Is how you bastard well exorcise a piece of women’s feckin’ underwear! Oh Jesus,” he adds, ”Me feckin’ heart!”
The bishop falls to his knees, a slightly glassy expression crossing his eyes and his hands clenching his chest.
Blood pouring from one eye, Father Errol stares in horror.
”Oh no,” says Bishop O’Neill, ”It’s ok!”
Two priests are naked! One post office has been robbed! One car has been burnt! One car has been stolen! One lingerie stand has been set on fire! One bra has been exorcised! Father Errol has a -1 Slightly Hideously Blinded Bonus to next turn!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on December 18, 2012, 04:16:23 pm
"Bishop Fachs, it's a good thing you're here!" he shouted, addressing the appropriate person. "This poor woman was being assaulted by a minion of the Devil himself! I was able to drive it off, but not before he stole this poor couple's clothes and turned them into heathens! Quick, the only thing we can do now is convert them back via the power of Mass! Join with me, Your Grace!"
Deliver a glorious mass with the Bishop! and convert the heathens back to the true faith!
Post by: Tiruin on December 19, 2012, 07:15:22 am
Spoiler: Only for la... (click to show/hide)
Get in ye car.
"Oh dear Feckerty, the priest I mean. You robbed a man! But that's in the name of the Bishop's needs of course...but then that still goes against all moral laws, you see. Him being the innocent victim and all, but then that also correlates to what had nearly happened last time where you dozed off in the middle of driving...
"I don't think you should drive."
Post by: Errol on December 19, 2012, 09:06:55 am
Start an impromptu mass to disguise the fact that I am in fact naked. Nudity is purity! Then put some clothes on. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
If this plan A fails, drop a smokescreen and get ye grace to the car.
Post by: Yoink on December 20, 2012, 02:08:21 pm
Father Blue growled, rummaging about in the glove box. You ain't passin' the feckin' blame onto me, yer spineless feckin' gobshite! This was all your fault! You an' yer feckin' mumbling! For all I know you were chantin' some feckin' magic shite! What kind've priest are ya, anyway?!"
>Acquire duct tape (or any sturdy kind of tape) from the glove compartment, have one of the Bishops give a blessing to imbue it with holy powers if possible, and then use it to firmly fasten Father Tiruin's demonic lips closed.
If no tape is available, just gag the fecker with a spare cassock or something.
>Then load all three of 'em into the car and leadfoot it to... Wherever the feck we're supposed to be going! I dunno.
>Keep an eye out for any cassock supply stores. In fact, that should be the current destination until one of these bloody unconscious fecks tells me otherwise. Find a cassock shop and make a 'purchase'.
Post by: lawastooshort on December 20, 2012, 06:27:57 pm
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Four: A Dangerous Thing!
(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m91o1wOrg91qgnvbdo1_1280.jpg)
(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m91o1wOrg91qgnvbdo1_1280.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
Deliver a glorious mass with the Bishop! and convert the heathens back to the true faith!
..."Bishop Fachs, it's a good thing you're here!" shouts Father Lars. "This poor woman was being assaulted by a minion of the Devil himself! I was able to drive it off, but not before he stole this poor couple's clothes and turned them into heathens! Quick, the only thing we can do now is convert them back via the power of Mass! Join with me, Your Grace!"
”Feck! I’d got totally the wrong end of the stick, young Father Lars! I thought you were wrestling that naked woman! But no! Sterling feckin’ work, well feckin’ done! You know, there’s only one thing for it, in this kind of naked-heathen-devil’s-minion situation! WE NEED TO MASS! AND WE NEED TO MASS HARD! Count us in, Lars!”
"A one! A two! A one-!"
”Oh no! Feck it! They’re closing in! We can’t wait! GIVE ‘EM EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT, LARS!”
"In nòmine Patris, et Fìlii,”
”Et Spìritus Sancti.”
The two priests’ voices join as one.
”AAAAAAAAMENNNNNNN!”
”Noooooo! They’re still coming! They’re still naked! AND THEY’RE STILL FECKIN’ HEATHENS! Nooooooooo! MASS HARDER, BISHOP!”
”Gràtia Dòmini nostri Jesu Christi…“
Suddenly the bishop enters a Massial Trance! He wades forth into the midst of the heathens with the faithful Father Lars by his side! He shouts Latin to his left! He shouts Latin to his right! Father Lars dashes to the café counter, vaulting over it and landing on his feet: he shoots out one arm and grabs some bread, he shoots out another arm and grabs some wine, and he sprints back over to the Latin-wielding frenzied bishop!
”Your Grace! The fecking bread and wine!!”
”YOU DO IT, FATHER LARS! I CAN’T HOLD’EM ANY MORE! APPLY THE BREAD AND WINE! DO EEEEEEEEEEEET!”
Father Lars bravely applies the bread and wine! The heathens, all of a sudden, repent! They wonder where their clothing might be!
Bishop Fachs collapses to the ground, exhausted. Father Lars stands next to him, hands on his knees, panting.
”Feckin’ shite, Bishop Fachs! That was feckin’ amazing! I’m filled with a tremendous warm spiritual presence!”
”Aye son. There's nothing like a good feckin’ conversion. Nothing like it at all.”
He leans back against one of the tables and lights a cigarette.
A Ditch Outside the Village of Ardglass…
Use Father O’Feckerty's clothes to wipe of my wounds!Spoiler: Only for la... (click to show/hide)
Get in ye car.
..."Oh dear O’Feckerty, the priest I mean. You robbed a man! But that's in the name of the Bishop's needs of course...but then that still goes against all moral laws, you see. Him being the innocent victim and all, but then that also correlates to what had nearly happened last time where you dozed off in the middle of driving... Anyway, to cut a long story short..”.
>Acquire duct tape (or any sturdy kind of tape) from the glove compartment, have one of the Bishops give a blessing to imbue it with holy powers if possible, and then use it to firmly fasten Father Tiruin's demonic lips closed.
If no tape is available, just gag the fecker with a spare cassock or something.
>Then load all three of 'em into the car and leadfoot it to... Wherever the feck we're supposed to be going! I dunno.
>Keep an eye out for any cassock supply stores. In fact, that should be the current destination until one of these bloody unconscious fecks tells me otherwise. Find a cassock shop and make a 'purchase'.
..."Oh no you feckin' don't!" blasts Father O'Feckerty. ”You ain't passin' the feckin' blame onto me, yer spineless feckin' gobshite! This was all your fault! You an' yer feckin' mumbling! For all I know you were chantin' some feckin' magic shite! What kind've priest are ya, anyway?! No! No more feckin' anecdotes, and no more feckin' droning!"
O'Feckerty starts rummaging about in the glove compartment of the stolen car.
"Oh, feck arse." he shouts from inside. "What kind of a feckin' eejit doesn't keep duct tape in his car! What a gobshite! Here, Your Grace," he says, turning to Bishop McFeckerty and grabbing hold of his sleeve, before giving a good hard tug. "Give us yer feckin' cassock, will you?"
”ME FECKIN' CASSOCK?! TO A NUDIE CAR THIEF?! WHAT THE FECK! I'LL SHOW YOU THE ONE FECKIN' THING I'LL GIVE YOU!”
Bishop McFeckerty demonstrates the one fecking thing he feels like giving Father O'fecking Feckerty, and smashes the priest in the face with his right fist!
Father Tiruin turns to the bishop before addressing the inert mass of priest before him on the road.
”Thank you, Your Grace. I was going to have to Mass the little gobshite into submission, you know. Anyway. And so, O'Feckerty, as I was trying to say...."
Father Tiruin somehow manages to bundle Father O'Feckerty into the car before wiping his face with the naked man's cassock.
”...I don't think you should drive."
Tiruin throws the soiled cassock to the ground.
… … … … … …
Father O'Feckerty wakes up a few minutes later in the back of the stolen vehicle. To his horror, it is moving. To his even worse horror, it is Father Tiruin who is at the wheel!
”And so, you know, I was a bit on the cautious side, because I didn't want another three hundred metres of lagging, because really, what was I going to do with it! So I said, no, thanks, but-"
Father Tiruin turns over his shoulder and notices Father O'Feckerty stirring.
”Oh, you're awake now, Father! Just in time for the good bit of the story, I was just explaining to the two bishops here about the alignment of the new tiling I've had done on the roof of my old parochial house there, fascinating tale so it is!..."
Father O'Feckerty looks around. He notices that Bishop Jordan is also turning over his shoulder from the passenger seat.
He has a look of pure desperation in his eyes!
The Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
Start an impromptu mass to disguise the fact that I am in fact naked. Nudity is purity! Then put some clothes on. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
If this plan A fails, drop a smokescreen and get ye grace to the car.
..."Thank ye, Your Grace. I shall remember this valuable lesson the next time I need to exorcise a piece of lingerie."
Bishop O'Neill, still on his knees, looks sideways at Father Errol.
”Aye. It's a dangerous thing, a bra, my son. A dangerous thing. Now, whe-”
"OH FECKIN' SHITE I'M FECKIN' NAKED! COME ON YOUR GRACE, WE'VE GOT TO FECKIN' WELL GET OUT OF HERE!"
”But Father Errol, we've been going round in circles for ages, and we haven't seen an exit sign even once!”
"DON'T WORRY, YOUR GRACE, I'VE GOT A PLAN!"
Father Errol quickly knocks a passing shopper to the ground and steals her trolley, frantically emptying the shopping onto the ground, trying neither to touch nor to set eyes upon the lacy underwear contained within.
"Come on, Your Grace!" he cries, turning back to Bishop O'Neill. "We'll use the burning lingerie in the trolley as a moving smokescreen, so no one will be able to see us! Or my nudity! And then, when we get close to the exit, we'll ram the burning trolley of bras right through the window and make our escape!"
”Holy Mary and all that!” shouts back the bishop. ”I'm gonna put you forward for the priest of the year awards when we get out of this, Father Errol! That's a feckin' plan that can't fail if ever I feckin' saw one! LET'S GO!”
Bishop O'Neill gets to his feet to help Father Errol lift the burning bra display as carefully as possible into the hijacked trolley. The smoke is thick and acrid. Bishop O'Neill ducks behind, and Father Errol begins to push towards where he reckons the exit to be.
… … … … … …
The two men of the cloth take turns pushing their burning trolley of bras and panties silently through the farthest reaches of the largest lingerie department in Ireland. Occasionally Father Errol, currently on point, stops to turn back to Bishop O'Neill, and slows the flaming trolley with a subtle hand signal. He whispers.
"Two old ladies ahead! They're looking at the purple pantyhose! Slowly, Your Grace!"
Bishop O'Neill pushes slowly past, crouching and concealed behind the thick plume of black smoke.
The two old ladies don't hear a thing.
The trolley passes into the deep undergrowth of tights and bra extenders.
… … … … … …
Some time later, Bishop O'Neill separates a few hanging nighties and peers through. He can barely believe his eyes.
”We've feckin' done it, Errol! We've feckin' done it! The end! Escape! Freedom! Look!”
Father Errol carefully parks the trolley of burning bras and peeks through. The unmistakeable gleam of windows lies ahead.
"Feckin' shite, Your Grace! We HAVE made it! Come on, let's get the trolley and push both at once. We'll ram straight through and get free!"
The bishop turns to the priest, holding out his hand.
”Say, Father Errol. What's the first thing you're going to feckin' do when you get back?”
"A feckin' Mass, Bishop O'Neill! The longest and hardest feckin' Mass you ever feckin' heard! Yeah! It will be the best Mass I ever feckin' did! A Mass of pure feckin' joy!"
Father Errol looks all wistful for a few seconds, and then calms down.
"And you, Bishop O'Neill?"
”And me? Ha, well. When we get out of here, the first thing I'm going to feckin' well do? I'm going to feckin' wel-”
"OH SHITE BISHOP O'NEILL! A FECKIN' WOMAN! COMING THIS FECKIN' WAY! WE'VE GOT TO GO NOW! PUSH THE FECKIN' TROLLEYYYYYYYY!"
Suddenly interrupted, both bishop and priest leap into action, rushing the flaming trolley through the remaining rows of nighties, and on into the open space beyond! They see the gleaming windows ahead! They push with all their might!
"YOU READY BISHOP?!??"
”LET'S SHITIN' GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
The burning trolley of bras and panties smashes into the window!
It breaks straight through the glass!
It immediately plunges straight down!
"OH SHITE WE WEREN'T ON THE GROUND FLOOOOOOOOOOOR!!"
”OH BOLLOCKS I THINK THAT'S A VERY BUSY CAFETERIA UNDERNEATH US!”
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!"
Suddenly with a tremendous clanging and banging the burning trolley of lingerie and the two men of the cloth crash to the ground thirty feet below, Father Errol landing nakedly on a family's table and Bishop O'Neill landing at the feet of a lovely old lady eating a pie.
Burning bras and panties are showered for twenty feet all around!
The mother and the children at Father Errol's table begin to scream!
They begin to run!
Soon the entire cafeteria is filled with screaming women and children running in circles and flailing their arms amongst the rising flames of the panty-metereorites.
An old woman realises she has been impaled by a falling shard of window glass, and faints in horrified shock!
The men rush back and forth and shout!
”Feck!”
”Shite!”
”Arsebiscuits!”
Father Errol tries to move, and discovers that he too has been impaled by a falling shard of window glass, and is pinned by his leg to the cafeteria table! Blood flows abundantly from his naked thigh!
Two priests are naked! One car has been stolen! One cafeteria has been set on fire!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: monk12 on December 20, 2012, 07:48:52 pm
Post by: Toaster on December 20, 2012, 09:05:21 pm
"Bloody good show, Your Grace! Let's take this holy train all the way down to the site of the Relic!
Move along to the relic site.
Another quality writing job. Errol's turn kept me wondering where that horrible roll would lead him.
Post by: Errol on December 21, 2012, 09:50:06 am
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck nevermind I got this. Father O'Neill! Give me a hand, here! This is the time a Christian has to do what a Christian's gotta do! It's time for an emergency sermon! First, rip the shard of glass out of my thigh. A true priest cares not for blood loss. Then, with the force of righteous christianity, allegorize this burning fire from heaven and associate it with the cafeteria's sinfulness, the coming of the end of times, an urgent need to repent and an even more urgent need to clothe the nude priest. Prioritize sounding menacing over actually being understood, we've got to ride that wave!
Post by: Yoink on December 26, 2012, 12:57:10 am
>Bellowing his ancestral battle cry, Father O'Feckerty shall lunge fowards from the backseat, flailing at the car stereo with one hand in an attempt to turn it at an exceedingly inappropriate volume to the christian rock station!
>Once Father Tiruin is (hopefully) shocked into insensibility by the blasting music, boot that gobshite out of the car and take over at the wheel!
>Then floor it towards... Uh, where were we going, anyway? Whatever, just put the pedal to the metal anyways.
It's that sort of scene, you know?
Post by: Tiruin on December 29, 2012, 12:48:24 am
"Ahh good, now we're talking about feck and the Fecks! Interesting...Irish ideas, now let me try to aid this story of the green isles with something...And this seat, goodness how you've...angled it wrong. What was yours again, Feckerty?"
Turn up the volume to an Irish tale!
Weave out of any supposed attacks on my person by adjusting my seat. And if I stay in the wheel, lecture the Bishops on the goodness of this island while we drive off to the destined location.
That location.
Post by: lawastooshort on January 03, 2013, 06:46:18 am
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Five: The Stone!
(http://burrencottages.com/bc/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/CliffsSunset.jpg)
(http://burrencottages.com/bc/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/CliffsSunset.jpg)
The Village of Ardglass…
Move along to the relic site.
"Bloody good show, Your Grace!” enthuses Father Lars. "Let's take this holy train all the way down to the site of the Relic!”
…Helping Bishop Fachs to his feet, Father Lars strolls determinedly out of the café, leaning over the counter and grabbing a generous slice of carrot cake as he goes. He rummages about in his pocket and throws a two euro coin at the feet of the ex-heathens when he reaches the door. Both ex-nudists fall to their knees, wailing their praise and thanks, for they have been shown the Way!
Outside, the relentless drizzle has relented and, several miles away, it even looks as if a tiny burst of sunshine is piercing through the heavy cloud.
”Feckin’ marvellous!” blasts Bishop Fachs, suddenly seeming considerably less grumpy. ”Nothing better than a conversion and a nice smoke. Let’s get to that shiting relic now, shall we? Lead the way, Father Lars!”
… … … … … …
The priest and the bishop finish stomping across the wet field of tussocky mounds of grass towards the cliff-top Holy Stone of Clonfeckert. They walk across to the unassuming stone and gaze over the cliff towards the Atlantic Ocean, grey, vast and choppy.
”Shite!” exclaims Bishop Fachs, suddenly taken by a moment of gratitude. ”It’s moments like these that make you think, well, shite! Feckin’ Jesus, eh? The world’s a beautiful feckin’ place, even with all the shitin’ eejits that live in it. Course, most of them’ll all be going to feckin’ Hell, if you believe all that shite. Sometimes, I’m not entirely sure I do, Lars. Can I call you Lars?”
Bishop Fachs reaches about under his bishop’s hat and pulls out a large cigarette. He lights it up and turns away from Father Lars to gaze once more over the waves.
Bishop Fachs’s cigarette smells… smells a bit strange, notices Father Lars.
The Burning Cafeteria of the Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
It's time for an emergency sermon! First, rip the shard of glass out of my thigh. A true priest cares not for blood loss. Then, with the force of righteous Christianity, allegorize this burning fire from heaven and associate it with the cafeteria's sinfulness, the coming of the end of times, an urgent need to repent and an even more urgent need to clothe the nude priest. Prioritize sounding menacing over actually being understood, we've got to ride that wave!
”Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck! Never mind, I got this. Bishop O'Neill! Give me a hand, here! This is the time a priest’s gotta do what a priest’s gotta do!” yells Father Errol.
Bishop O’Neill darts quickly over to Father Errol’s aid, slips on the pool of Father Errol’s blood coating the floor, and smashes his head off the table to which the bleeding priest is pinned. He drops to the floor like a bag of cement.
”Arsebiscuits,” realises Father Errol. ”There’s only one thing for it!”
…The brave priest braces himself, grabs the massive shard of glass in his thigh, and slices his hand open. Blood spurts out directly into his eye!
Father Errol starts mumbling some slightly menacing sounding jargon about being nude and increasingly hot amidst the spreading flames before he realises most of his intended audience has fled.
The cafeteria appears to be burning!
A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…
Turn up the volume to an Irish tale!
Weave out of any supposed attacks on my person by adjusting my seat. And if I stay in the wheel, lecture the Bishops on the goodness of this island while we drive off to the destined location.
That location.
"Ahh good, now we're talking about feck and the Fecks!" says Father Tiruin "Interesting...Irish ideas, now let me try to aid this story of the green isles with something...And this seat, goodness how you've...angled it wrong. What was yours again, Feckerty?"
"Feck yer story!” explodes Father O’Feckerty, "An' feck yer feckin' tiling as well, you great shitting arsebiscuit! Feeeeck!” he yells, lunging forwards from the backseat of the car and flailing at the car stereo, somehow managing to turn it to an excruciatingly loud Christian rock station. With the other hand he starts punching Father Tiruin in the face.
>Bellowing his ancestral battle cry, Father O'Feckerty shall lunge forwards from the backseat, flailing at the car stereo with one hand in an attempt to turn it at an exceedingly inappropriate volume to the Christian rock station!
>Once Father Tiruin is (hopefully) shocked into insensibility by the blasting music, boot that gobshite out of the car and take over at the wheel!
>Then floor it towards... Uh, where were we going, anyway? Whatever, just put the pedal to the metal anyways.
It's that sort of scene, you know?
…But Father Tiruin is an expert in the art of dodging, and has studied for many a year! He dodges the foul punches of Father O’Feckerty, and flings himself expertly out of the car window!
With the car continuing along without him, Father Tiruin lands with a dull thud in a nearby ditch.
As he looks up after the car, he just about makes out Father O’Feckerty clambering into the front seat and taking the wheel. The car speeds off.
At least, he thinks, he is clothed. Not like that eejit O’Feckerty.
… … … … … …
A short while later Father O’Feckerty screeches to a halt at the other side of the field from the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, where he looks over to Bishop Jordan in the passenger seat. He appears to be two thirds of the way through a bottle of fine Irish whisky!
The priest gets out of the stolen car, slams the door, and stretches his arms in the air. He notices a certain chill in the air.
He looks down and realises he is still entirely naked!
Two priests are naked! One cafeteria is burning!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 03, 2013, 09:26:46 am
Father Lars squinted at the Bishop. That... couldn't be a good thing.
"Oh yes, Bishop, it's all right there in the Bible, good book that it is. The view's nice and all, but do recall we have a job here? Wouldn't want to disappoint the masses. Hey, afterwards, we should find ourselves some more heathens to convert, aye?"
Gently encourage the bishop to get up and go to the site.
Post by: Errol on January 03, 2013, 07:10:26 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on January 08, 2013, 05:43:01 am
Well, I can probably definitely get one done this week if you post by Wednesday, Tiruin and Yoink!
And I will take suggestions if only one out of two has posted by Wednesday.
Post by: Yoink on January 08, 2013, 07:05:56 pm
>Humbly request a sip/swig/pull (in ascending order of likeliness) of whiskey from Bishop Jordan!
> Then scout around for the burrow of some sort of, well, burrowing creature, like a badger or mole or whatever the little fecks are called! Then punch ' em in the feckin' snout and yank off their furry hide for use as a makeshift cassock/loincloth!
((sorry for not posting, my laptop's being stupid and cannot access the internet so I had to post this from my phone... Hence the difficulties))
Post by: Tiruin on January 09, 2013, 03:24:44 am
((sorry for not posting, my [NETWORK]'s being stupid and cannot access the internet so I had to post this from my [LAPTOP ONCE IT WAS FIXED]... Hence the difficulties))
"Oh bother. Quite alone now, hmm? Perhaps now I've got time to prepare my speech. Just a while that'a'way to the Stone..."
Proceed solemnly to the Area where our destination was supposed to be. Upon reaching there, start an Opening Mass before the main event.
Post by: lawastooshort on January 09, 2013, 07:06:20 am
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Six: Not Entirely Alone!
(http://thefencepostsupperclub.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/Wooden-fence-post.20073802_std.jpg)
(http://thefencepostsupperclub.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/Wooden-fence-post.20073802_std.jpg)
A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…
Proceed solemnly to the Area where our destination was supposed to be. Upon reaching there, start an Opening Mass before the main event.
"Oh bother," remarks Father Tiruin, quite alone on a road somewhere outside the village of Ardglass.
"Quite alone now, hmm? Perhaps now I've got time to prepare my speech. Just a while that'a'way to the Stone..."
He realises there is nothing for it but to make his way to the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert and hope to get there before the Relic Regrading Ceremony begins, perhaps quickly going over his Relic Regrading Ceremony speech on the way.
He sets off.
Suddenly he notices – is that? Ooh! Yes! I say!
The General Vicinity of the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert…
Gently encourage the bishop to get up and go to the site.
Somewhat nearer the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, but still several metres away from it and overlooking the magnificent ocean, Bishop Fachs has found a bench.
"Oh yes, Bishop, it's all right there in the Bible, good book that it is? The-"
”Good book!” splutters Bishop Fachs, coughing out the deep drag he’d been busy with. ”Good book?! If it was so feckin’ good, why didn’t He write it in feckin’ Irish? Eh? If this is God’s own feckin’ country, He’d have feckin’ wrote it in feckin’ Irish! Eh!”
The Bishop stops to take another drag and Father Lars seizes his chance.
"Er, yes, Bishop. Very interesting. That’s very nice and all, but do recall we have a job here? Wouldn't want to disappoint the masses. Hey-"
”Hohoho! Very good! The masses! I see what you did there! Like what we do! Masses! Get it?! Ahahahahha!”
The Bishop keels over sideways on his bench, giggling uncontrollably to himself. Father Lars tries one desperate last shot.
"Hey, afterwards, we should find ourselves some more heathens to convert, aye?"
”Heathens! Ohohohohoho! Heathens! Eh-heeheeheeheeheehee! Those feckin’ gobshites! No better’n a great pile of arse!”
…Bishop Fachs rolls off his bench and continues his fit of hysteria on the ground.
>Humbly request a sip/swig/pull (in ascending order of likeliness) of whiskey from Bishop Jordan!
> Then scout around for the burrow of some sort of, well, burrowing creature, like a badger or mole or whatever the little fecks are called! Then punch 'em in the feckin' snout and yank off their furry hide for use as a makeshift cassock/loincloth!
"Feck! I say, Yer Grace, might I 'ave a sip of that? A bit feckin' chilly out here! ...Oh, right, clothes. Shite an' feck."
”Drink! Feck! Gobshite!” blasts Bishop Jordan, punching Father O’Feckerty in the nose.
”Feckin’ eejit!”
…Bishop Jordan jumps on the unfortunate priest, knocking him to the ground and raising his bottle above his head, ready to smash across Father O’Feckerty’s face.
Suddenly the bishop notices a passing badger or mole or whatever the little feck is called! The burrowing creature saves Bishop Jordan’s bottle of whiskey from face-related destruction and flees desperately across the field as the bishop chases it!
Bishop Jordan rugby tackles the running badger and grabs it by the hind legs! He swings the squealing mole above his head as he stumbles drunkenly back towards Father O’Feckerty, now backing nakedly away on the muddy ground!
Bishop Jordan smacks Father O’Feckerty round the face with the badger!
"Is that- ouch!"
He hits the priest again, right in the snout!
"Arg! Ouch! Oh bollocks!"
He hits the priest in the mouth! The burrowing creature dislodges one of Father O’Feckerty’s teeth!
"Aie! A no?"
Bishop Jordan is too busy to reply!
The Burning Cafeteria of the Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
Call for the police, the firefighters, the ambulance, call on anyone that might listen (yes, this includes God), and SCREAM for some goddamn help and medical attention and a change of clothes and some better rolls for God's sake.
Oh shite. Serious situation! thinks Father Errol, fairly accurately, as blood sprays from his hand and the shard of glass pinning him to the table begins to get hotter.
The whole cafeteria, he notices, seems to be getting hotter.
Probably due to the spreading flames, he realises.
Time for action, he decides.
”SHITE! GET THE FECKIN’ POLICE! GET A FIRE ENGINE! GET A FECKIN’ AMBULANCE! OH COME ON, GOD! I NEED SOME FECKIN’ HELP!”
…A fire alarm starts ringing!
A distant police siren starts sirening!
An approaching ambulance starts wailing!
A member of the public runs up, wielding a first aid kit, and bandages Father Errol’s horrifically bleeding hand!
A shop assistant arrives, wielding an overcoat, and drapes it over Father Errol’s horrifically naked body!
A cafeteria waitress comes near, wielding several of the cafeteria’s finest bread rolls, and throws them at Father Errol’s horrifically confused face!
Suddenly a fireman dashes over to Father Errol, whips out the shard of glass, and removes the priest from the table, carries him from the burning department store, and sets him on the ground outside.
Father Errol’s bleeding leg gives in and he collapses face first onto the floor.
A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…
…If one was driving along a certain road, somewhere outside the village of Ardglass, the casual observer might happen to notice what seems to be a priest, deep in conversation at the side of the road.
”So you see um, what was particularly interesting about this piece of wood, like your good self, was the grain was particularly spaced out…”
A somewhat one-sided conversation, it would probably be noted.
”But anyway, I found that the best paintbrush for optimal application of the creosote was one that was exactly three point five inches across and half an inch deep and four inches long, because, you know, this meant that I could get a good amount of the treatment on without dropping too much on the grass and of course, Mrs McNeil, she loves making the tea but she’s not terribly good with the garden – did I tell you about the time that she had to redo the lawn after I attempted to tile the bathroom? Terrible shame it was, she was in hospital for several months…”
One might even, if one slowed down very slightly, notice that Father Tiruin, for it is he, appears to be deep in conversation with a fencepost.
”But eventually she got the last mole out, and I managed to claim the shovels on expenses from the parish budget so, you know, I suppose it was ok, and Mrs McNeil had a few weeks of rest too. Anyway, how about you, what’s your preferred paper size? I like the traditional ones meself… Ooh, but I’m getting distracted again. D’you like a good Mass? Would you like to hear one?”
One priest is naked! One cafeteria is burning!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 14, 2013, 10:28:43 am
Cajole the Bishop into the car. If I can, knock his weedcig away when he's not paying attention.
((Sorry, keep forgetting to come down and update.))
Post by: Errol on January 14, 2013, 03:12:16 pm
Post by: Yoink on January 15, 2013, 07:34:44 pm
>Punch Bishop McFeckerty right in the face-- for his own good, you understand! He's clearly having a panic attack of some sort.
>While he is (hopefully) knocked out, clothe myself in that badger shite and help myself to the Bishop's whiskey. Lord knows I deserve it!
((Sorry! I haven't really... been on the forums much, being on holiday and all.))
Post by: Tiruin on January 16, 2013, 12:21:34 am
Father Tiruin smiled.
He smiled for an elongated amount of seconds before patting the fencepost and turning on his heel towards what he interpreted to be the destination to be held. He took a deep whiff of the fresh air and braced himself as he took the first step towards the Stone.
"Now, my speech is ready."
Get to desired location! Mentally and vocally prepare a rousing speech of allegories and assumptions.
When there, examine the area - if there are any others which are not Bishops/Priests, hold a mass! If not, get all prim and proper, making the Bishops feel comfortable and tending to their needs.
Post by: lawastooshort on January 17, 2013, 09:19:11 am
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Seven: Drugs Are Bad!
(http://ak2.picdn.net/shutterstock/videos/2450471/preview/stock-footage-a-raging-wildfire-burns-across-the-mountain-leaving-a-trail-of-smoke-and-ash.jpg)
(http://ak2.picdn.net/shutterstock/videos/2450471/preview/stock-footage-a-raging-wildfire-burns-across-the-mountain-leaving-a-trail-of-smoke-and-ash.jpg)
A Road Outside the Village of Ardglass…
Get to desired location! Mentally and vocally prepare a rousing speech of allegories and assumptions.
When there, examine the area - if there are any others which are not Bishops/Priests, hold a mass! If not, get all prim and proper, making the Bishops feel comfortable and tending to their needs.
Father Tiruin smiles gently to himself as he remembers the very special task at hand. He pats the fencepost, pleased at an appreciated listener, and turns on his heels towards his destination.
He hasn’t got very far when he sees, a short distance away, what appears to be a bus, stopped and refuelling at a petrol station.
An idea hits him.
Surely… he thinks to himself, I’m rather late… And thusly speed is surely of the essence! Let us pray!
Sprinting up the remainder of the country lane, dodging between the various mounds of cow excrement dotting the broken tarmac, Father TIruin dashes desperately towards the service station and the whirring diesel pump.
He sprints as fast as his cassock allows him!
”Oh, hello there, Father Tiruin!”
"Sorry, Driver McFulty! Duty calls!"
…Father Tiruin smashes Mr McFulty in the face with a firm right hook!
The hose of the diesel pump spins into the air, spraying fuel all over the side of the bus!
Father Tiruin grabs the keys off the fallen McFulty, jumps into the bus, revs the engine briefly, and drives off at top speed towards the Holy Stone!
”Oh Father, you forgotten to put the feckin’ fuel cap back on! I’ve been having terrible trouble with th- oh feck it…”
Mr McFulty decides to go off for a drink.
Outside The Burning Cafeteria of the Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
Continue lying face-first on the ground, because it seems to be comfortable so far and nothing bad's happened yet. Try to put on and close overcoat while remaining in that position. Enjoy bread rolls, and share them with Bishop O'Neill. Then, with peace of mind, and possibly the company of O'Neill, ponder God and the mysterious ways he works in.
”ARGHH!”
Father Errol recognises the tell-tale signs of an incoming panic attack.
”NOOOOOOOOOO!”
His heart begins to beat terribly fast.
”YARRGHGHHLGYH!”
His breath becomes shallow and quick.
”NOTHING BAD’S HAPPENED FOR AGES! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING NEARLY WEARING AN OVERCOAT? I WANT TO BE A PRIEST AGAIN! A NAKED PRIEST!!”
Launching his pile of bread rolls into the air and scattering them over all the people watching the burning building, Father Errol inexplicably throws his overcoat at the crowd, lifts Bishop O’Neill over his shoulder like a fireman, and runs screaming into the flaming cafeteria.
Soon Bishop O’Neill starts screaming too!
”PUT ME DOWN, YOU GREAT FECKIN’ EEJIT! WHAT’S GOT INTO YOU, YOU DAFT SHITE?! PUT ME DOWN AT ONCE YOU GREAT PILE OF ARSE! I FECKIN’ WELL SAID PUT ME D-ARRRRRGH!”
…Bishop O’Neill seems to be having a heart attack! Oh dear!
The General Vicinity of the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert…
>Punch BishopMcFeckerty(editor’s note: you meant Jordan) right in the face-- for his own good, you understand! He's clearly having a panic attack of some sort.
>While he is (hopefully) knocked out, clothe myself in that badger shite and help myself to the Bishop's whiskey. Lord knows I deserve it!
"Argh!” screams Father O’Feckerty, spitting out teeth as the drunken bishop pummels him with the small furry animal.
"Gimme that, yer Grace! You're out of yer feckin' mind an' shite, temporary insanity and all that nonsense!"
…Father O’Feckerty punches Bishop Jordan right in the face, dives into a nearby pile of badger shite, and rubs it all over himself in an attempt to hide his prominent nudity!
It kind of works!
He bends down to pick up the bishop’s mostly finished bottle of whiskey and, as he collapses to the floor to take a grateful swig, he suddenly has the intuition that he should, or perhaps should not, look up.
He looks up to see a camera man zooming in to his handsome and badger-shite smeared face!
He nearly spits out his hard-earned whiskey!
The local news have turned up to cover the momentous regrading of the Holy Stone!
Cajole the Bishop into the car. If I can, knock his weedcig away when he's not paying attention.
Mere feet away from the stinking Father O’Feckerty, Father Lars is having a little trouble of his own.
"Oh yes, Bishop, bloody hilarious," he admits, dragging Bishop Fachs to his feet and directing him vaguely towards O’Feckerty’s stolen car.
"Hey, I could drive you somewhere even better!" he continues, looking disapprovingly at the still quite large funny cigarette smoking away between the bishop’s thumb and forefinger.
"Hop in the car!"
”Hohoho! A sheep! A feckin’ sheep Father Lars! A funny feckin’ sheep!”
"Yes, Your Grace. Come on now, let’s get in the car please."
Father Lars looks despairingly around him as he tries to push the bishop’s head through the car door.
Suddenly he notices the local TV crew, apparently interviewing Father O’Feckerty nearby!
”Hohoho! A bus! A feckin’ bus! A speeding feckin’ bus!”
"Yes, Bishop Fachs, very nice. Into the feckin’ car will you? Come on," says Father Lars, getting increasingly frustrated at the unhelpful Grace.
”No really! Hohohoho! A bus! Running over a sheep! I think it’s totally out of control!!”
"YOU’RE BLOODY WELL TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL," shouts back Father Lars, "Here, you don’t feckin’ well need any more of this shite," he says, …vigorously backhanding the funny cigarette into the air as, with one last violent push, he inserts the bishop into the car.
”Noooooo! Lars! The bus! THE FECKIN’ BUS!! REALLY!!!”
Father Lars, just about to slam the car door on the noisy fecking pointing bishop, turns in horror to see an oncoming bus, apparently with a sheep stuck to the windscreen inches in front of the manically grinning Father Tiruin, bear down on the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, hurtling out of control until suddenly coming to a very sharp stop and skidding a deep furrow through the bumpy field only twenty or so metres away from the soon-to-be upgraded relic.
It seems that the fuel cap is missing!
It seems that the terrible bumpy ride and the horrible dangerous skid have spurted half the diesel out of the side of the bus!
It seems like Bishop Fachs’ funny cigarette is flying through the air in slow motion, twirling end to end in the sky, sailing like a miniature angry burning weasel towards the open fuel tank!
Father Tiruin descends from the bus and looks about as the nearby camera crew rush up.
”Aha! I see the cameras are rolling, so to speak! Now, my speech is ready! Hello everyone!”
Father Tiruin’s speeches have rarely been greeted with such excitement!
One priest is naked! Another priest is naked and smeared in badger excrement! One cafeteria is burning!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 17, 2013, 09:33:26 am
"Bishop... stay in the car and look at that sheep!"
VALIANTLY charge the bus, leap through the air, and swat away the "cig" from hitting the petrol and off the cliff! Land perfectly and bow for the cameras. Praise God and credit Him entirely with my acrobatic excellence.
Post by: monk12 on January 17, 2013, 11:55:25 am
Post by: Errol on January 18, 2013, 10:24:26 am
Post by: Tiruin on January 21, 2013, 01:30:02 pm
Really very sorry, Father Errol. It seems the dice have decided to hate you this episode.
And me? D: [:P]
Also, apologies for delay.))
Everyone's appearance must be prim and proper, ensure that the Bishops are all present and ready for the mass, and then begin escorting the media towards the shrine and away from the bus!
A few opinionated stories won't hurt either...
Post by: lawastooshort on January 24, 2013, 06:54:31 am
Does anyone want to put forward any ridiculous self-sabotaging action for Father O'Feckerty?
I might either go with the most supported action or the one with most swearing.
Post by: monk12 on January 24, 2013, 11:56:03 am
Post by: Greenstarfanatic on January 24, 2013, 11:56:39 am
Post by: Yoink on January 25, 2013, 04:18:38 am
Post by: Tiruin on January 25, 2013, 05:21:55 am
(http://tnypic.net/77soy.png)
Post by: lawastooshort on January 25, 2013, 08:09:22 am
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Eight: Whiskey Sodden Crotch!
(http://jamasters.smugmug.com/photos/163305427-L.jpg)
(http://jamasters.smugmug.com/photos/163305427-L.jpg)
Outside The Burning Cafeteria of the Nearest Department Store in the Village of Ardglass…
Load O'Neill into a shopping cart. Punch out his heart attack, I dunno, if that doesn't work try something with voltage. Shout at him for good measure, for wanting socks. And then, even if the procedure went less than stellar, race that cart to the relic site.
”Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck!” resumes Father Errol for everyone just tuning in. ”Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck! A feckin’ heart attack! There’s only one thing for it. Your Grace?” he says, turning to the semi-conscious bishop. ”Sorry and all that bollocks, but I have to punch you right in the feckin’ face. Now,” Errol pauses briefly whilst he looks about.
He takes a few steps into the smoking burning inferno.
”Aha! A shopping cart! In you go, Your Holy Arsebiscuitness! Ready?”
Errol looks around dramatically.
”Feckin’ stat and shite! Clear!”
Father Errol punches Bishop Jordan right in the feckin’ face!
…Bishop Jordan’s heart attack is cured!
”Arrrrrrrrrg!” screams the bishop. ”WHAT THE FECKKKKKKKKKKKK?! FATHER ERROL WE’RE IN A FECKIN’ BURNING BUILDING!”
”I feckin’ well know, Your Holy Bollockness! LET’S FECKIN’ GO!”
Spinning the shopping trolley round on its heels, Father Errol turns, sprints, blasts out of the side of the happily burning department store, and flees, a blur of naked priest vanishing into the distance.
The only trace of him is an anguished cry as he dashes along pushing the recovering bishop.
”I’M NEVER GETTING SOCKS FOR A FECKIN’ BISHOP AGAAAAAAAAAIN!”
The General Vicinity of the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert…
Feckin' Father O'Feckerty feckin' well tells those bastard gobshite news reporting wankers to feck off while he conceals his bollocks with whiskey! Then he drags that arsebiscuit Bishop over to the feckin' Stone! Shite!
Not so very far away, feckin’ Father O’Feckerty watches as the bastard gobshite news reporting wankers feck off to interview the recently arrived and much less interestingly dressed Father Tiruin.
More feckin’ well fool them, the daft gobshites, thinks O’Feckerty to himself. They’ll never get away alive! Now, where’s that arsebiscuit McFeckerty?
…Attempting to get up, O’Feckerty slips in the mud, falls over flat on his back, and accidentally and, to his eyes, tragically empties the remainder of his whiskey all over his badger excrement-smeared groin.
Suddenly his bollocks are dripping and clean and naked and visible to the world!
They also sting a bit!
Father O’Feckerty jumps to his feet and runs in a circle, arms and spiritual presence flailing in the air as he bemoans his terrible fate!
”Arrrrghhhgh!” he wails. ”ME FECKIN’ WHISKEY!”
Everyone's appearance must be prim and proper, ensure that the Bishops are all present and ready for the mass, and then begin escorting the media towards the shrine and away from the bus!
A few opinionated stories won't hurt either...
Oblivious to the impending funny-cigarette doom spinning towards his bus, Father Tiruin does a quick head count of the bishops, sees none of them about, and decides instead to escort the waiting media towards the Holy Stone.
He sees Father O’Feckerty, naked but nearly entirely smeared in some horrible looking brown substance, flailing about in a circle nearby.
”Is that a naked priest?” asks one of the reporters.
”Oh, wait,” remarks another. ”He’s not… entirely naked… dear God… is that?”
”Hohoho! Yes!” quickly interrupts Father Tiruin. ”Yes! We’re all about equal opportunities in the priesthood, so we are! That’s one of our special priests! He’s got a tremendous spiritual presence! Now, how about you come this way towards the Stone and I’ll explain to you about the long and glorious history of both my ongoing project to redo the grouting in my downstairs toilet and the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert?”
”What about his Holy Stones, Father?”
”Come along now,” drones Father Tiruin, ignoring the dirty-minded journalist. ”Let’s get you all in position for the ceremony! I’m sure the bishops will be here any second now!”
…As Tiruin drags one news reporter by his arm towards the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, the camera man stays where he is, zooming in on the tremendously spiritual sight before him.
VALIANTLY charge the bus, leap through the air, and swat away the "cig" from hitting the petrol and off the cliff! Land perfectly and bow for the cameras. Praise God and credit Him entirely with my acrobatic excellence.
"Bishop..." orders Father Lars, as quick as he can, watching the above unfold and the funny cigarette fly towards the flood of diesel on the ground and the bus with growing alarm. "Stay in the car and look at that sheep!"
”The sheep! The feckin’ sheep!” says Bishop Fachs, barely audible through the quickly locked car. ”Hohohohohohoho!”
"Yes... Right!" shouts Father Lars to the nearby bollock-fixated camera man. "YOU MIGHT FECKIN’ WELL WANT TO WATCH THIS!"
…As the slow motion funny cigarette tumbles through the air, the camera man suddenly turns, perfectly framing Father Lars as he sprints away from his car-bound bishop. The priest propels himself up and off the ground, his cassock revealing his lack of underpants as he somersaults several times through the air before opening his arms up into a perfectly graceful glide towards the hurtling doom-spliff, swatting it out of the sky like some kind of Holy Top Gun Priest Pilot, and rocketing head first into the side of the bus.
He bounces off, back flips, twists, and lands perfectly on both feet, bowing for the open-mouthed camera man as blood pours from his face.
”You know, I would like to praise God and I credit Him entirely for my, although I do say so myself, incredible acrobatic exce-oh feck…”
Father Lars has just noticed where he swatted the terrible death-reefer!
His commanding voice trails off into a look of horror as the tiny burning trail smokes through the air and comes to a sudden stop just where Father O’Feckerty, one assumes, would least like a burning object to come to a sudden stop.
Father O’Feckerty’s whiskey-sodden naked crotch bursts into flame!
One priest is naked! Another priest is naked and smeared in badger excrement except for his burning spiritual presence! Father O’Feckerty has a -1 Burning Bollocks Penalty to the next turn!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on January 25, 2013, 09:11:36 am
Oopsie. While I'm sure the crowd would be delighted in me going over and trying to swat out the flames on your burning bollocks, I think I'll pass on that one.
Lars frowns, then begins speaking loudly for the camera.
"AS I WAS SAYING, I praise God for all he does for us, including blessing us with the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert! As you all know, the Holy Stone is a relic because of its great calming powers. In the Good Book, the lion lies down with the lamb because of holiness like this stone! Surely anyone who touches it will be filled with the Holy Spirit of God, but that's not all!"
"Behold! Its holiness has given us a miracle of a flaming priest! Look at his holy presence!"
Explain to the TV man why the Holy Stone is holy!
((
Post by: Digital Hellhound on January 25, 2013, 01:04:41 pm
Post by: Errol on January 26, 2013, 06:57:30 pm
"Oh. Your Grace is saying that he might want to fecking well get out of the fecking shopping cart...?"
Help O'Neill out of the cart and point him towards the reporters and other guys, I dunno. Let him handle this while Father Errol tries to find a fig leaf to mask his (surely trendemous) spiritual presence with.
Post by: monk12 on January 26, 2013, 07:05:04 pm
I think it's about time we found out which of the priests has the largest, err, spiritual presence. The people of Rolly Island deserve to know!
hear hear!
Post by: lawastooshort on January 27, 2013, 02:12:06 am
I think it's about time we found out which of the priests has the largest, err, spiritual presence. The people of Rolly Island deserve to know!
hear hear!
I think the people of Rolly Island have already seen every priest's tremendous spiritual presence at least once each and can probably judge for themselves...
Post by: Tiruin on January 27, 2013, 12:28:49 pm
Create an addendum to whatever Father
"Now," the priest started, addressing the nearest media person. "on this stone. The ceremony, as you've heard, will be the grandest it can be. Surely, most events are covered by only one Bishop. We have four.
"It is just like the many stones you ask for. O'Feckerty's stones are blissfully protected by his own spiritual presence, as the priesthood is apt to enact in times of danger. Just like the upgrading of this holy relic, it can be made akin to that one extension in my Parochial house. It is, just a house - more lavish, some may say, or a more aesthetic view. It is like the stone, a relic, unchanging..."
Post by: Yoink on January 30, 2013, 12:26:22 am
>Father O'Feckerty lets out a cry of pain, rage, humiliation and, of course, FECK before leaping into action, extinguishing his crotch-flames in cooling badger shite.
If no badger shite is available, one of those big fluffy microphone things will do too.
>While I'm at that, punch that gobshite sound technician in the face and steal his pants.
>Then, once dressed (more-or-less) appropriately, punch Father Tiruin in the face and take over this whole speech shite. That should make up for that whole ordeal, right?
"This is, er, the Holy Stone o' Clonfeckert. It's all feckin' Holy an' shite. An' now, Bishop McFeckerty with some rites an' what-feckin'-not!"
>Allow a moment for applause as I grab Bishop McFeckerty real quick and place him by the Stone. Give him a boot up the arse as rite-giving encouragement.
Post by: Tiruin on January 30, 2013, 01:53:24 am
>Then, once dressed (more-or-less) appropriately, punch Father Tiruin in the face and take over this whole speech shite. That should make up for that whole ordeal, right?((I'm always getting punched XD
You meanie.))
Post by: Toaster on January 30, 2013, 11:32:22 am
Post by: lawastooshort on February 01, 2013, 05:29:19 pm
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Nine: Oh Father!
(http://ewinsidetv.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/jack-lord_510x317.jpg?w=510&h=317)
(http://ewinsidetv.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/jack-lord_510x317.jpg?w=510&h=317)
The General Vicinity of the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert…
Explain to the TV man why the Holy Stone is holy!
Father Lars frowns at Father O’Feckerty’s burning bollocks before turning, putting on his whitest smile, and speaking loudly for the cameras.
"AS I WAS SAYING, I praise God for all he does for us, including blessing us with amazing telegenic acrobatic skills AND the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert! As you all know, the Holy Stone is a relic because of its great calming powers. In the Good Book, the lion lies down with the lamb because of holiness like this stone! Surely anyone who touches it will be filled with the Holy Spirit of God, but that's not all!"
…The assembled cameramen and TV news reporters gasp as Father Lars’ arm shoots dramatically into the air and then straight towards Father O'Feckerty.
"Behold! Its holiness has given us the miracle of a flaming priest!"
The various media types stare open-mouthed at O’Feckerty’s flaming crotch; several of them noticeably back away from the clearly viciously dangerous Holy Stone.
But Father Lars is not done yet! With a final flourish he points directly at Father O’Feckerty’s blazing groin.
"LOOK AT HIS HOLY PRESENCE!"
They gasp again!
”TREMENDOUS!” shouts one admirer.
”CRIKEY!” blurts another.
”SPIRITUAL!” mumbles another, loudly, until suddenly one of the more alert journalists comes to her senses.
”And, er, so… Father Lars, why exactly is this Stone so revered?”
"Er… Well, you know… God an’ all that? It’s said you feel an astonishing buzz in its presence… You know, like… like a Holy Buzz…"
Create an addendum to whatever FatherToasterLars would be saying, adding in what else I would be saying. Also, allegory to life.
"And that’s not all!" suddenly interrupts Father Tiruin, for once possibly welcomed by his fellow priests.
"They say that a young woman was once cured here! Or was it lured? Anyway," he continues, moving in very close and addressing the nearest media person right in the face.
"This stone. This very Holy Stone! The ceremony, as you've heard, will be the grandest it can be. Now, you see, most events are covered by only one Bishop. We have four. FOUR! And all with their swinging things! You know… the… er… spiritual swinging things.”
Tiruin wags his finger in the cameraman’s face as he moves along the line of distraught news-people.
"That reminds me of something," he adds, ominously. "I recently added another extension onto the back of the extension on my house. And of course – that extension was on an extension, which was on another extension, so in fact I have an extension on an extension on an extension on an extension on an extension on the back of my house, wait, is that right? You know, me house, it’s like a circle! Which brings me back to my point," he says, pausing for a dramatic breath.
"Stones… Heathenish stones – they often come in circles, but this is no heathenish stone! NO SIRS! This stone is a Holy Stone. Like O’Feckerty’s stones, it burns with Holiness! His spiritual presence…" Father Tiruin tails off for a second, apparently distressingly distracted by Father O’Feckerty’s spiritual presence running aflame through the corner of his eye. He shudders.
"Er… And so, just like the upgrading of this holy relic, it can be made akin to that one extension in my parochial house. It is just a house – still just a house, but more lavish, some may say, or a more aesthetic view, or more... potent... It is like the stone, a relic, changing but unchanging, a..."
…Suddenly one of the cameramen passes out from the pain of listening to Father Tiruin, his camera crashing to the floor and landing on a nearby journalist’s foot! She hops about in broken-footed pain!
>Father O'Feckerty lets out a cry of pain, rage, humiliation and, of course, FECK before leaping into action, extinguishing his crotch-flames in cooling badger shite.
If no badger shite is available, one of those big fluffy microphone things will do too.
>While I'm at that, punch that gobshite sound technician in the face and steal his pants.
>Then, once dressed (more-or-less) appropriately, punch Father Tiruin in the face and take over this whole speech shite. That should make up for that whole ordeal, right?
>Allow a moment for applause as I grab Bishop McFeckerty real quick and place him by the Stone. Give him a boot up the arse as rite-giving encouragement.
But alas!
The broken-footed journalist’s pain is not heard for long – in a burning flash the screaming Father O’Feckerty runs past our field of vision towards a rather promising pool of badger shite, leaps through the air like a nudist Catholic salmon, and belly-flops down into it.
"Aaaaugh me feckin' bolloooooooocks! FECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!!"
…He thrusts his flaming groin repeatedly into the already well-fertilised ground!
The camera zooms in on his ecstatically relieved face as the naked priest frolics in the badger manure until his crotch is fully cooled, and then, jumping to his feet, runs directly at the sound technician in a desperate attempt to rugby tackle his trousers down.
Father O’Feckerty rugby tackles the sound technician’s trousers down! They hang about his ankles! The sound technician backs away in some considerable distress, tripping over his trousers and flailing about on the floor as O’Feckerty tugs them off and over his feet!
The camera briefly lingers over the poor detrousered innocent before shooting back up to the face of the deranged and naked priest as he hops about trying to pull his new trousers on.
O’Feckerty staggers towards Father Tiruin, evil intent clear to read in his dirty stinking red and brown face, one hand holding up his trousers and the other pointing vaguely towards the Holy Stone.
"This is, er, that… that is the Holy Stone o' Clon-feckin’-feckert. It's all feckin' Holy an' shite. An' now," he adds, rather presciently, as the camera darts from his face to the empty space just over his shoulder.
"An' now, Bishop McFeckerty with some-"
Just as Father O’Feckerty reaches Father Tiruin, Bishop McFeckerty taps him on the shoulder, spins him round, and punches him right in the feckin’ face!
O’Feckerty falls to the floor!
Without breaking his house improvement monologue, Father Tiruin gives O’Feckerty a quick kick in the groin before turning back to his reporter victim and enlightening him about the best way to restore mid-1950s fabric based wallpaper.
"You know, half the secret is in the wrist action, but you also need to make sure you get the right kind of moisturising agent, nothing too strong or it’ll come out in terrible big gloops and the stains will be hellish to get out, you know, now, dry cleaning detergent, that’s a wonderful thing…"
Help O'Neill out of the cart and point him towards the reporters and other guys, I dunno. Let him handle this while Father Errol tries to find a fig leaf to mask his (surely trendemous) spiritual presence with.
A few feet away, Father Errol brings his shopping trolley to a halt with a hearty sigh.
"Pheeeeew."
He’s just run a mile pushing a bishop in a trolley.
"Strength of fecking Jesus, that. Feck."
He leans against a nearby tree, finding the bark in particular rather uncomfortable against his naked backside, until he realises he’s left his bishop in the shopping cart!
"Oh… right… feck, yes..." he mumbles. "OH FECK! CAMERA CREWS! I'M FECKIN' NAKED!"
Kicking the shopping cart to the ground, Father Errol helps Bishop O'Neill to his feet before apologising.
"Your Grace... I'm really feckin' sorry but it's for the good of the church an' all..."
…Father Errol punches Bishop O'Neill in the mouth!
Father Errol picks up the unconscious bishop and wraps him round his waist like a loincloth!
He runs screaming towards the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert!
"FECK ME COME ON LADS, WE'VE GOT TO FECKIN' UPGRADE THIS SHITIN' RELIC BEFORE THE FECKIN' BISHOP COMES TO! HE'S GONNA MAKE FEATHER DUSTERS OUT OF ME BOLLOCKS WHEN HE REALISES WHAT I'VE DONE! OH SHIIIIIIIIIIITE!"
One priest is dressed in a bishop! Another priest is naked!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Post by: Toaster on February 01, 2013, 10:05:53 pm
Congrats, fellow men of the cloth- we've just about got this wrapped up without totally shiting it up.
"All praise be to God! Let us Mass, brothers!"
Round out the ceremony with a glorious Mass! Involve as many non-naked priests and sober bishops as possible!
Post by: Xantalos on February 01, 2013, 11:04:59 pm
Post by: lawastooshort on February 06, 2013, 03:42:23 am
You know it will go very badly indeed if I have to come up with/ask for three AI actions...
Post by: Yoink on February 06, 2013, 04:32:17 am
He cast an angry eye about himself. Someone lend me some feckin' trousers, yer miserable feckin' gobshites! I've Holy Feckin' Shite ta deal with an' I can't very well do that with no feckin' trousers on, can I? I've asked nicely, now give over the fecking things. Not providing Priestly Pants to a Pantsless Priest is feckin' blasphemy, don'cha know, an' I'm well authorised ta punch yer feckin' head in an' what-not."
>Equip trousers! Just whose trousers or how I gain posession of them is irrelevant.
>Then redeem myself, and the memory of my dear ol' Dad(who was a priest or some shite himself), by punching Father Tiruin right in the gob and taking over conducting the feckin' ceremony. Beat the shite out of any blasphemous fecker what tries to stop me.
>Make it the best. Ceremony. Ever. Call up O'Dimmerty and get him to bring a truckload of Holy Booze, along with a bunch o' feckin' party hats, chocolate biscuits, those party blower things, some confetti, any B, C or even D-grade celebrities who happen to be in the neighbourhood(and willing to show up for free), a few portapotties and maybe a donkey or three so we can have us a nice Donkey Derby. Oh and get him to drag along some local Christian Rock band, too.
>Did I mention booze?
>Try and get some actual Consecrating or whatever-the-feck-it-was done along the way, too.
((I'm back now. Can post easier. Apologies! :-X))
Post by: Tiruin on February 06, 2013, 04:45:34 am
))
Father Tiruin was glad. The reception was quite pleasing. And Father Lars was rounding the crew up for another round.
He decided to aid him by joining the middle portions after thinking of what best to say on the topic, segueing from whomever is speaking into the desired tone. This will be glorious.
Quote from: Father Errol
"FECK ME COME ON LADS, WE'VE GOT TO FECKIN' UPGRADE THIS SHITIN' RELIC BEFORE THE FECKIN' BISHOP COMES TO! HE'S GONNA MAKE FEATHER DUSTERS OUT OF ME BOLLOCKS WHEN HE REALISES WHAT I'VE DONE! OH SHIIIIIIIIIIITE!"
"Feather dusters you say?"
Oh, and if O'Neill wakes up, welcome him warmheartedly and acknowledge Errol on his good work of being the sole person of bringing the bishop here.
Post by: Errol on February 07, 2013, 03:31:18 am
Of course, Father Errol must have the last word in the upgrade ceremony. That's obvious.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 08, 2013, 11:26:59 am
Episode Five: A Fistful of Bishops: Turn Ten: Not a Rubber Duck!
(http://i00.i.aliimg.com/wsphoto/v0/671727640/Duck-font-b-boat-b-font-child-swim-ring-font-b-inflatable-b-font-ring-child.jpg)
(http://i00.i.aliimg.com/wsphoto/v0/671727640/Duck-font-b-boat-b-font-child-swim-ring-font-b-inflatable-b-font-ring-child.jpg)
The General Vicinity of the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert…
Round out the ceremony with a glorious Mass! Involve as many non-naked priests and sober bishops as possible!
Father Lars is full of holy joy. The ceremony is underway! The day will soon have almost been a success!
"All praise be to God!"
"Feck!"
"Let us Mass, brothers!"
"Arse!"
Father Lars is undeterred. He dashes over to the smoke-filled car nearby, wrenching open the door, and pulls out a coughing and spluttering Bishop Fachs into the bright lights of daytime news crews and sunshine.
"Your Grace! Let us Mass! It will be like that time with the heathens!"
He rushes to angry Bishop McFeckerty.
"Your Grace! Let us Mass! Afterwards I’ll hold down O’Feckerty whilst you punch the naked little eejit!!"
He runs enthusiastically over to Father Errol, circling the Holy Stone with a bishop wrapped precariously around his nether regions and his arms wildly flailing in the air. Lars stops, less enthusiastic all of a sudden, unsure if this counts as naked or not, and instead approaches Father Tiruin.
"Tiruin! Just… just keep fecking quiet and come with me. Let’s do some Mass."
Followed by a swarm of cameras and furry things on sticks, Father Lars leads the holy procession to the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert. It’s a marvellous stone. A Holy Stone.
Lars climbs on top and puts on his best concentrating speech-making Mass face.
…It looks like constipation, but more telegenic.
>Equip trousers! Just whose trousers or how I gain posession of them is irrelevant.
>Then redeem myself, and the memory of my dear ol' Dad(who was a priest or some shite himself), by punching Father Tiruin right in the gob and taking over conducting the feckin' ceremony. Beat the shite out of any blasphemous fecker what tries to stop me.
>Make it the best. Ceremony. Ever. Call up O'Dimmerty and get him to bring a truckload of Holy Booze, along with a bunch o' feckin' party hats, chocolate biscuits, those party blower things, some confetti, any B, C or even D-grade celebrities who happen to be in the neighbourhood(and willing to show up for free), a few portapotties and maybe a donkey or three so we can have us a nice Donkey Derby. Oh and get him to drag along some local Christian Rock band, too.
>Did I mention booze?
>Try and get some actual Consecrating or whatever-the-feck-it-was done along the way, too.
”In nomine,“ begins Father Lars, vaguely holding together his motley band of drugged angry bishops and one non-naked priest.
”Patris-“
Suddenly a less non-naked priest interrupts as Father O’Feckerty staggers over, one hand rubbing his face and the other his groin as he blasphemously addresses Bishop Jordan, lurching with probably fetid and alcohol laden breath right into his angry purple face.
"Aw fer feck's sake," he bellows as loud as a church organ.
"Why d'yer always hit me?! I'm tryin' ta get this shite-an'-feckin' Ceremony moving!"
He squints dementedly through his drying badger-shite rimmed eyes up at Father Lars.
"Yer great gobshite!" he spurts, making his way over to the Stone. He punches Lars in the ankles repeatedly until he gives up and flops himself over the Holy Stone and the priest’s feet desecrating it before addressing the crowd in his new and naked lying position.
”Someone lend me some feckin' trousers, yer miserable feckin' gobshites! I've Holy Feckin' Shite ta deal with an' I can't very well do that with no feckin' trousers on, can I? I've asked nicely, now give over the fecking things. Not providing Priestly Pants to a Pantsless Priest is feckin' blasphemy, don'cha know, an' I'm well authorised ta punch yer feckin' head in an' what-not. Ooh. What’s this?"
Father O’Feckerty has noticed, if not a pair of trousers, a nice cassock inches from his face.
"Shite!"
…He starts tugging.
He decided to aid him by joining the middle portions after thinking of what best to say on the topic, segueing from whomever is speaking into the desired tone. This will be glorious.
Oh, and if O'Neill wakes up, welcome him warmheartedly and acknowledge Errol on his good work of being the sole person of bringing the bishop here.
As O’Feckerty tries desperately to pull Father Lars’ cassock down around his ankles upon the Holy Stone, the intrepid Father Tiruin realises there is a situation to save.
Nay – a situation to augment!
He leaps triumphantly onto the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, lands awkwardly on Father O’Feckerty’s busily tugging elbow, and collapses over the now suddenly screaming O’Feckerty, sprawling face down on the naked and filthy badger-bothering pervert’s back.
He spits something – he doesn’t want to consider what – out of his mouth as he gets to his feet. He wipes his mouth and stumbles in some distress towards the nearest camera.
”Do you know? This here Holy Stone – made even more holy by the naked wrestling ritual these here priests are performing right upon its face – this here Holy Stone, well, we’re going to Mass the-“
Suddenly silence reigns, briefly.
It’s immediately interrupted by the sound of vigorous snoring, itself soon interrupted by the sound of the apparently quite heavy and possibly hollow Father Tiruin falling to the floor, sound asleep.
…He’s finally bored himself unconscious!
Bring out the Latin. Wail around ominously in Latin like the single half-naked priest I am. Then, procure an Organ, and rock out. In Latin. Surely, that must fit an upgrade ceremony!
Of course, Father Errol must have the last word in the upgrade ceremony. That's obvious.
During O’Feckerty and Lars’ mostly naked wrestling ritual, Father Errol has been worryingly and, given his attire, conspicuously absent.
Suddenly he is absent no longer!
Wearing the for God knows what reason naked Bishop O’Neill round his waist like a rubber duck, Errol steams across the open fields towards the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert, standing up at the wheel of his illegally procured ice cream van, blasting ominously cheerful music of some unknown possibly organish origin from the van’s loudspeakers as he leans his head out the driver’s window wailing and headbanging Latin at the top of his voice in a reckless manner that must most certainly render his driving optimistic at best and a horrible horrible accident in waiting at worst.
”WHERE THE FECK WERE YOU, YE DAFT FECKIN’ FECKERS?! SHALL I JUST FECKIN’ WELL START FROM THE TOP?!”
It’s unclear as to whether he pauses now to clear his throat, for something does indeed seem to fly from it, or simply because of the shock to the van of driving at thirty miles per hour through a dry stone wall.
”RIGHT THEN YOU HAIRY GOBSHITES. IN NOMINE PATRIS…”
The assembled media, priests, hangers on and, it seems, local D-list celebrities have now all turned to stare at the speeding newcomer.
”EEERM… FILO… PASTRY… SPIRITUS… EEEEEERM… SANC- ER…”
As Errol speeds towards them, the gathered onlookers and several donkeys have, in fact, begun to scatter. All except, of course, our three lovable priests, all engaged in various acts of sleeping or pulling cassocks one way or the other.
”GRATIA… ERM…”
Errol’s Holy Icecream Van continues to speed towards the Holy Stone of Clonfeckert.
”HOW THE FECK DO YOU STOP THIS GOBSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE?! SHIIIIIIIIITE!!”
…Suddenly Father Errol discovers that the best way to stop a Holy Icecream Van is by using a large and very solid Holy Stone.
”ET CARITAS DEI!!!!” he screams, as he flies through the windscreen of the Holy Icecream Van, naked but for the bishop wrapped around him.
The two cassock tugging priests briefly stop to watch their screaming brother fly off in an arc above them.
”ET COMMUNICATIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Father Errol disappears off the edge of the cliff at the end of the field.
Father Lars looks at Father O’Feckerty.
”Oh feck.”
”Oh shite.”
Father Lars, already a multiple priest life saver in a previous episode, leaps heroically off the Holy Stone, and crashes face first into the ground. O’Feckerty’s still tugging on the bottom of his cassock, and doesn’t stop when his fellow priest suddenly adopts a comfortable looking position on the floor.
O’Feckerty forcefully removes Father Lars’ cassock! He clutches it to his charred groin and dashes over to the cliff edge with Lars in hot pursuit!
O’Feckerty stares over into the Atlantic Ocean below.
”Oh look! There he is! Good old Father Errol! He’s gonna be ok! Look! He’s wearing a rubber duck! He’s not gonna drown in the ocean! We’ll fish him right out!”
”That’s not a rubber duck, you daft gobshite, it’s a bishop!”
”Oh. Oh shite.”
At that moment, Father Tiruin walks slowly over, rubbing his eyes sleepily.
”So… erm… where were we… benedicat vos omnipotens…”
”Oh feck off, Tiruin, you big verbose gobshite! I’ve had enough of your bollocks!“
”Errol’s in the fecking ocean, Tiruin. He’s probably dead. It’s not the right bloody time for Latin.“
”This Mass is feckin’ well ended.” grunts O’Feckerty, inaccurately, as he turns back to the Stone and the waiting Holy Booze.
”Deo Gratias.” mumbles Father Lars. He squints down into the sea a hundred metres below, wondering if it’s the waves or his will that’s shaking Father Errol’s arms from side to side. He peers closer.
”Deo Gratias!”
One priest is dressed in a bishop! Another priest is mostly! Another priest is naked from the waist down!
Spoiler: GM Notes (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: The End? Please read and reply! (click to show/hide)
Post by: Errol on February 08, 2013, 12:06:47 pm
I don't quite mind the turns, most of the time. Sure, I do not have that much influence on what actually happens, but... fecking shite, is it hilarious. I collapse into giggling fits every time I read a new turn, which nothing else on the internet does for me this regularily. But, well, on the other hand... it is becoming kind of repetitive. Round starts, priests get naked, stuff explodes and catches on fire et cetera et cetera. I think we should call it quits now while it's still funny.
That obviously begs the question of "what next". If you base your next RtD on another gimmick then 40 turns in we're at the same question again. I don't know. You write the diamond quality RtDs.
Post by: Toaster on February 08, 2013, 01:28:29 pm
Errol's pretty much right. I think this RTD fills a rarely-used niche- the episodic RTD. Rather that being one long narrative, it's something that can be picked up and put down and subdivided into bite-sized chunks.
As such, perhaps you could just put it on the back burner for a while? While I realize that many shelved RTDs never come back, I don't think it'll be that bad for this one if it happens, since it is at a stopping point.
But I'd play either way.
Post by: lawastooshort on February 11, 2013, 04:30:12 am
Many apologies to everyone who only got as far as the waitlist. Thank you for waiting.
Thank you very much to all the priests – you were awesome and I very much enjoyed making you do naked burning stuff.
I was going to do special mentions, but I would have had to specially mention every priest.
Post by: Toaster on February 11, 2013, 01:15:22 pm
Post by: Digital Hellhound on February 11, 2013, 01:27:18 pm
Post by: Tiruin on February 11, 2013, 02:10:34 pm
I enjoyed it veryvery much! And I nearly made it to the end, darnit.^
Very, very much!
Though I do apologize for my sporadic posting rate. :x Sorry La!
You write the diamond quality RtDs.
Post by: Errol on February 11, 2013, 02:56:04 pm
I enjoyed it veryvery much! And Inearlymade it to the end, darnit.
mwahahahaha
Post by: Spaghetti7 on February 11, 2013, 06:13:09 pm
Post by: monk12 on February 11, 2013, 09:02:13 pm
Post by: Yoink on February 11, 2013, 09:54:25 pm
It was a good run. Your RtDs usually start off with such a simple, yet amusing, premise and they just get better from there until each turn contains gut-burstingly hilarious amounts of chaos, bodily functions and nudity. *applause*
Post by: Xantalos on February 12, 2013, 12:48:57 am
...
...
Making plans for a 'Destroy the NRA' RTD.
:P