Chew through wrists, die, become ghost.[5] You chew your hands off. [2] You live. You cannot become a ghost.
GRAB WALL. HIT LAPTOP WITH WALL.[2] You can't get a grip on the wall. You cannot hit the laptop with the wall.
LETS DO THIS. USE THE POWERS OF CROSS-OVER TO BECOME THE JESTER LICH.
PUNCH LARGE SCREEN WITH FACE.Oh, right, three things. [5] Despite all logic, you punch the large screen with your face. It hurts.
Well, what did you expect?That the second object in the room would be the second object you tried at the latest.
Use laptop using toes.
LETS DO THIS. USE THE POWERS OF CROSS-OVER TO BECOME THE JESTER LICH.[3] You become a goth guy with a jester outfit and vaguely sinister powers. You'll be the next game's final boss.
[1] You scream "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees..."LETS DO THIS. USE THE POWERS OF CROSS-OVER TO BECOME THE JESTER LICH.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Bite the stool.[2] You miss the stool.
SACRIFICE VIRGINS. OBTAIN UNHOLY STRENGTH.[4] You find and sacrifice virgins. [5] You obtain unholy strength. You are now a goth guy with a jester suit and strong unholy powers.
Snatch up Laptop and type in 'Giant Purple Hippopotamus' in the box.I really have only vague ideas of what a minimalist RTD is. I decided I'd let all your madness get locked into a room and see what happened.
((This is really less of a Minimalistic RTD, than a Scribblenauts RTD.))
CONSUME STOOL[2] You shove the stool into your face. The stool and the dice must have an alliance.
Use Unholy strength to punch through walls.[4] You punch a hole in the wall.
GRAB LAPTOP FROM GREENSTAR, TYPE IN "FLUFFY WAMBLER". CLICK CREATE.[4v3] You grab the laptop. [6] You type in fluffy wambler twice and hit create three times. The program attempts to comprehend a "giant purple hippopotamus fluffy wambler fluffy wambler," then [4] creates three horse-sized things like animate teddy hippos.
Find a generator.[5] You find a functioning generator.
ASGADVMGHGD CLICK CREATE BEFORE THE LAPTOP GETS TAKEN AWAY![3v4] You fail.
Plug your labtop into the generator's control panel thingy or the equivalent[3] You get the laptop, run to NRDL, and plug in the laptop. The laptop is no longer in the room, but you notice that the big screen is still showing what the laptop is doing like it was before I remembered to mention it.
Type in Power Surge into the labtop. Click Create[4] You do. The lights everywhere go brighter.
PUNCH FURTAKA AND GRAB LAPTOP.[2] You do not punch Furtaka. [3] You do grab the laptop. [6] You type in "giant banana" several times and hit "Create!" A few dozen giant bananas are created back in the room. [2-1] By the time you reach the room, you are so tired you fall into a banana. A hippo wambler or whatever they are is munching on a banana, though.
TYPE IN GIANT BANANA
PRESS CREATE.
EAT.
Type in Overload and hit Create[3] You type in "Overlard" and hit "Create!" A bunch of lard appears on the ceiling. The bananas are now disgusting.
EXIT PROGRAM.[2] You hit the "maximize" button on the program.
SURF YOUTUBE.
Punch generator, absorb electricity.[1] You punch yourself. [5] You absorb your own energy at a 95% efficiency rate. you feel 5% weaker.
Use my unholy powers to teleport outside of the room.[5] You teleport outside the room, to a spot right next to a hole in the wall! You can still see the lard-covered bananas.
TYPE IN ZMOBIE[3] You type in "Zombie." Your typo undid itself! There is now a twice-typo'd zombie in the room, scaring the hippo wamblers.
CLICK CREATE
((I really did mean Zmobie, though...))I know you did, but zmobie is still a typo of zombie. Or mispelling. Or whatever.
TYPE IN BONERDAGON.
TYPE IN 'DRYWALL AXE'[5] You type "DRYWALL AXE" and remember to hit "Create!"
PICK UP AXE. ATTACK LARDY BANANAS.
ATTACK NRDL.[4v5] You miss NRDL.
TYPE IN BACON. PRESS "Create!"[1] You type in "Shotacon." You create some srt of Japanese woman that you have no idea what she is.
Type in Labtop Replicator, hit Create[6] you type "Laptop replicator replicator replicator" and hit "Create!" [1] You cannot sell any laptop replicator replicators.
Begin mass production of labtops, Create a sales stand and begin selling them to passerby
TYPE BACON ONCE MORE![1] You type "Breakin'" and this causes the rubble to break more when you hit "Create!"
TYPE "TANK" AND CLICK CREATE. DRIVE OUT OF ROOM.[3] You type "Tank." It is a fuel tank. You know, the kind you put fuel in.
Exit game.[6] Have a nice day.
Type NRDL and hit create.[2] You type "MEDL" and Create! a meddling kid in the rubble. [4] You type "GreatWyrmGold" and Create! a giant golden dragon. [6-1] You type "Laser that fuses things together," which generates an error message:
Type GreatWyrmGold and hit Create
Type Laser that fuses things together and hit Create.
Use Laser on the other resultants detailed in this post
BACON!Bacon is not a verb. Please state your action with a verb--bacon what?
Type "Portable Device capable of fusing 2 or more beings/objects into one that has no restrictions on what it can be used upon and does not require the objects in question to be placed inside of it, and can be used with no ill effects on the user". Hit Create[6] You type that. It comes into existence. It is the size of a small house and has wheels.
Use device on GreatWyrmGold and MEDL[3-1] You try to figure out the complex targeting controls and give up.
Type in Professional Chef. Hit Create[4] You do. You hear a voice from the rubble.
Type labtop instruction manual. Hit create[6] You enthusiastically type in "Labtop instruction manual manual," and realise that the manual is probably in the rubble.
JUST MAKE SOME BACON, DAMNIT! I'M HUNGRY![1] You type "Gavin," and a guy named Gavin starts moaning from inside the rubble. My die does not like bacon.
Type in Bulldozer. Hit Create[2] You type "Bull dixer." The laptop freezes, before you hear a southern moo from a Dixie bull from the rubble. [6] You spur the bull into action, [5] and it clears some of the rubble onto you.
Use Bulldozer to clear rubble
Jester uses his eldritch powers to create a gaming desktop from hell!plz mr. gm. don't hold out on me.
You skipped my bacon-covered bacon. :cTechnically, I didn't notice it.
((Why would a five make the bull push rubble ONTO him?))(The 5 let the bull push the rubble; the 6 is why it's on him.)
TYPE IN...
...:-)
(YES, THE SMILEY.)
EXPLODE OUT OF THE RUBBLE WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND SUNS[3] You make a small explosion, but due to the explosion you can't get out before the rubble lands on you again.
Jester uses his eldritch powers to create a gaming desktop from hell!How'd I miss two actions?
Claw my way out of the rubble with the skill of a Star Nosed Mole![2] You fail to develop star-shaped mole skills.
MAKE WELDING GLOVES.[5-1] Despite not having vaguely adequate materials, you make gloves which can be used to weld.
USE BACON AS A WEAPON![5] Despite turning into bacon, you throw the Baconception at the bull, Dixie.
Dig downwards so that I may escape the rubble by burrowing my way to the other side of Mars![6] You burrow through the planet and to the other side, where there there is no pressurized and oxygenated dome.
Why couldn't I use my welding glove to throw it?Because I have a lot of characters and some other FGaR threads I'm running, and you didn't mention it.
Force myself to live and run all the way back to the dome[2] You fail to live. Got any clever respawining ideas?
/create Bonnie Tyler[5] You stop creating Bonnie Tyler. I didn't know you had started.
Break the laws of spiritdom and interact anyways
Reincarnate as something[4] You reincarnate as a Martian flat cat.
/sing Hero w/ Bonnie Tyler[1] Bonnie Tyler pops out and starts singing Hero. You sheepishly join in.
Go to labtop[3] You type "Clones of Furtaka's original budy" and hit "Create!" three times. [1, 6, 2] Nine childhood friends of Furtaka's appear.
Type in clones of Furtuka's original body. Hit create three times. Create body swappers
/sing with unholy strength. Be amazing.By /stuff, do you mean to do stuff or to stop doing stuff?
Type in "M1 Abrams" and click create. Use tank to clear rubble.You type in "M11 Abrams Abrams," due to your excitement and fear. A massive tank, at least 11 times as big as an M1 Abrams but just as archaic in this era of Martian colonies, appears. [5-1] Despite not knowing how to pilot a tank, you move rubble off the site. It wasn't so hard, actually, there's this big button that [4] blew up the rubble and left the tank mostly unscathed.
TYPE ANTI-TANK RIFLE[6] You accidently type "Rifle" twice, leading to a gun made to shoot at anti-tank guns. [3] It scratches the tank's paint.
SHOOT AT ABRAMS
TYPE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER.I think that from now on I'm limiting everyone to two unrelated actions.
TYPE GIANT FORK
TYPE CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST SUPERVILLIAN
EAT SPAGHETTI MONSTER AND ABSORB HIS POWER
USE NEWLY AQUIRED POWER TO DEFEAT FUNDAMENTALIST
CREATE TOM CRUISE
DEFEAT TOM CRUISE
Type in android body and hit create 8241 times[4] You type in "Android body" and hit "Create!" 4,298 times before noticing that the androids are more spaghetti than machine and have giant forks for hands.
To make this easier, anyone who posts from here on out will be added to this character list.Spoiler: PCs (click to show/hide)Spoiler: NPCs (click to show/hide)
...try to make proper blank cyborg bodies[6] You find spare parts in the rubble, and what else you need is basically available free from those nice spaghettiborgs. You only manage to make 7, though, since you're still 100% insubstantial and barely able to affect the material world, especially after the...wait, you're a flat cat. That's why I needed a character sheet! You only assemble 8.
CHSNGE OF PLANS: TYPE XENU THE SCIENTOLOGY ALIEN GOD/THING/WHATEVERYou type in [1] "Xenomorph Scientologist alien godling/whatever" and don't realise your mistake until a Scientologist xenomorph queen with divine powers shows up.
GET HIM FIGHTING ARMY OF SPAGHETTI MONSTERS
To make this easier, anyone who posts from here on out will be added to this character list.Spoiler: PCs (click to show/hide)Spoiler: NPCs (click to show/hide)
Create body swapping machine[5] Amazingly, a creature little more than a motile disk of fur manages to make a body-swapping machine.
I appear to have created a number of hugely powerful factions. ONE MORE.[1] You type "Bavim demigod witty frying pug army." A demigod named Bavim manifests as an army of pugs, looking for something to fry with their deep-frying-grease guns.
TYPE BACON DEMIGOD WITH FLYING PIG ARMY
RECORD MASSIVE BATTLE BETWEEN THE THREE ENTITIES I CREATED
RECORD MASSIVE BATTLE BETWEEN THE THREE ENTITIES I CREATED
We need a hero. The hero we choose is Izanaki, the god of the sky. I merge wth him.Battle the stuff I made and I'll make more money.
We need a hero. The hero we choose is Izanaki, the god of the sky. I merge wth him.[4] You merge with Izanaki, who promptly [4+3v3] kicks you out of himself, stripping you of your power. So much for virgin sacrifice.
[6] You fight the army of spaghettiborgs, the forming xenomorph queen, and the demigod army of frying pugs. Guess how well it turns out? You are too obliterated to make money.We need a hero. The hero we choose is Izanaki, the god of the sky. I merge wth him.Battle the stuff I made and I'll make more money.
Swap bodies with one of the cyborgsTechnically, they're androids, and [2] your lack of fingers catches up to you.
SHOOT BAVIM AND THE EXENOMOPRH QUEEN WITH TANK.It's supposed to be xenomorph queen...it is...
RISE FROM THE DEAD AS GOD OF THE FORGE.[2] You do not respawn.
RESPAWN AS BATMAN, BATMAN CAN BREATHE IN SPACE[4] You respawn as Batman. [3] You rebuild a dome. It is not pressurized or entirely airtight.
REBUILD SPHERE WITH AIR
Detach spirit from body via pure force of will[5] Wow, the one guy who could have survived discorporated himself.
TYPE IN DOME MECHANIC KIT[3] You get a dime mechanic kit. [1] You destroy the dome.
FIX DOME
Posess android[5] The androids were assimilated, so you possess a bunch of scrap and make a scrap golem.
RESPAWN AS GOD OF GUNS. FIX DOME.[6] You respawn as the God of Guns! Your boss is the local god, Mars. [5] You destroy what's left of the dome. You're a god of guns, how do guns fix things?
TYPE BAT MOBILE[1] You can't find the Batmobile's keys. Smooth. You have everything from kryptonite to the Koran in that utility belt, and you don't even have keys?
USE BATMOBILES BACON GUN ATTACHMENT TO SHOOT BACON AT FACEHUGGERS.
ASK MARS FOR MOAR AMMO. THEN, DESTOY THE XENOMORPH PERSON.[1] Mars reprimands you for not filling out proper paperwork and demotes you to God of Crossbows.
I seriously can't belive I dodn't think of this earlier.[1] You respawn as a Sunni singer, and promptly anexphyxiate.
TYPE DOME AS POLTERGEIST
RESPAWN AS CROSS BETWEEN BOB MARLEY AND SHIITE ASSASIN.
EDIT: Wait, I'm dead. Hmm.
RESPAWN AS PLUMP HELMET MANYes I can. [1] You respawn as my little brother. [5] You type "Dome" before anyxphyxiating again. On the bright side, [5] aggiant, airtight dome appeared, and once life-support kicks in, we'll be in a bigger city than ever!
TYPE DOME
HA, CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING STUPIDER THEN THAT CAN YOU?
SHOOT BAVIM WITH CROSSBOWS AFTER FILLING OUT THE PROPER PAPERWORK FOR AMMO.[6] You fill out paperwork and get so much ammo that you run out of time to shoot.
Show the ghosts how to posess objects and recruit them into my army![4] You teach several spirits how to possess objects. [1] They decide to kill you.
Prove my strength to my god with a series of tasks, then merge with him, forming the most powerful demigod to walk the earth.[1] You manage to get your head stuck in a bucket. Some final boss you'll be...
Did the car destroy my body?Nah, you're fine.
For somereason, telling the GM that they can't possibly figure out a way to fuck my plans up doesn't work.[5] You are now an army of plump helmet men! [2] Wow, you burnt fast.
RESPAWN AS FLAMING PLUMP HELMET MAN ARMY.
ATTACK FACEHUGGERS
I lvoe how I'm responsible for every monster here.
GET MORE BOLTS AND SHOOT YELPIR. REPEATEDLY.[2] Mars asks for paperwork. You make a joke about him being the God of Paperwork. The God of Paperwork happens to be Mars's boss and doesn't like it, so now an army of lawyers is after you.
Prove my strength to my god with a series of tasks, then merge with him, forming the most powerful demigod to walk the earth.
Am I still alive? Eh, Who cares.[3] You can't figure out which sandman you want to be, so you just turn into sand. [1] When trying to blind people, the life support sucks you up and filters you out. Respawn?
Become the Sandman, but with ash.
Blind everyone.
You already embarrassed yourself, but [3] by slaying a dragon with your bucket, you mildly impress it. Sadly, it was an ambassador from Venus. Smooth.Prove my strength to my god with a series of tasks, then merge with him, forming the most powerful demigod to walk the earth.
Drink dragon blood. Eat dragon soul. Kill more things. Merge with god.[6] You drink dragon blood so much that your stomach hurts and birds chatter is deafening. [4-1] You manage to eat the dragon's soul. It gives you heartburn and escapes before you can consume the full power. [6] You kill everything in the dome, except Yelpir, Bavim, the CSM, and their minions. [5,6,3] The other PCs are fine, too.
RESPAWN AS MYSELF.[3] You respawn halfway. [2] Your only power is the ability not to be hit in the legs. Because you don't have any.
BUT WITH SUPERPOWERS.
Merge minds with Izanagi.[2] You fail. The boring kind of fail.
Stop,[3] You are Eminem Hammer, which is kinda freaky. [6] You have a massive pair of hammers made of M&Ms. You get buried under M&Ms.
It's hammer time.
RESPAWN AS MC HAMMER, WITH REAL HAMMERS
BEAT THINGS WITH HAMMER
Appear.[5] You appear, hale and hearty. [6] You duplex everything. I don't know what that means, so let's assume it means "hug."
Suplex someone.
Use money from record contract to buy lawyers[1] You hire lawyers, then realise you have no money. They call to the other lawyers. Uh oh...
Attack scientologists with lawyers, their natural enemy.
MERGE WITH IZANAGI-NO-OKAMI.[6] You take over the god. Holy crap, that's insanity-inducing!
Grab labtop. Create Emp[3] An imp appears.
Grab Facehugger, throw it at someone.You [6] grab a handful of Scientologist facehuggers and [6] hurl them at the other players.
REFORM BODY AND CRUSH YELRIP. WITH BARE HANDS.[2] You reform your spiritual body. [1] Yelrip uses godling powers to grab you.
Screw it[6] You kill yourself so well that your spirit is confused and sticks around. [6] You respawn as zombie-GLaDos, which is like GLaDos, but with more mental issues and an undead CPU.
Commit Seppuko
Respawn as GLaDos
REFORM PHYSICAL BODY, RIP OFF YELRIP'S HEAD.[3] You reform your arms and upper body. [1] Somehow, you rip off your own head. Nice. Respawn?
Harness the latent strength of the Sky God, and test my new limits.[4] You cause a meteor to hit the dome. That's about all a sky god can do on Mars. [2] The dome holds.
FLOOD THE DOME WITH A DEADLY NEUROTOXINNo, i didn't. Turn them all INTO cake, maybe...
What, you think I was going to give y'all cake?
>Seduce Spinal.[1] You fail, and get punted by the dragon-powered future final boss. Ouch.
Become the inner self of some japanese kid.[6] You become the inner self of a young Tokugawa, which sure pushes you on your path towards evil.
Stomp all the facehuggers, then clothesline the lawyer.[1] You stomp on your feet. [1] You hit the lawyer with a clothesline, and it sues you. You can't pay, so you go to jail. Several cops spawn to take you there.
Take the labtop and fly to Phobos![6] You take every computer in the city, including the central one. You collapse under the weight.
Push Tokugawa into saving the world from demons.I see what you mean! [1] The world is retroactively doomed from demons. Wow, you're EVIL.
Neurotoxin, that makes you nauseas? That seems to fly in the face of the of the phhrase "neuro". Could be a headache inducer though.It relaxed sphincters and activates all the muscles in the stomach at once. Now shut up, you're an intelligent AI fighting either for or against a Scientologist xenomorph godling, a scrap golem, an unemployed god, and a future jester lich who is currently the self-image of a young Tokugawa who doomed the dock to capture by demons.
>EXPLAIN VERY SIMPLY THAT PRODUCTION OF NEUROTOXIN IS LEGAL IN MARTIAN COLONIES, SINCE THEY FALL UNDER THE JURIDSTICTION OF LAW 324
SECTION Q SUBSECTION O INDENT I OF THE "REFULATION O VIDEOGAME SUBSTANCES ACT", WHICH ALLLOWS USE OUTSIDE OF 50 MILES FROM TERRAN-BASED HOMELESS SHELTERS
> FILE COUNTER-MEASURE SUING THE LAWYERFOR EXISTANCE IN A RTD WITH A REALNESS QUOTIENT OF LESS THEN 3.543
Beat the shit out of the cops and the lawyer.[6] You beat them, killing several. Great, now you're wanted for assault and murder, too.
Spawn as pyro[6] You spawn as pyro. You know how everything needs to burn? It's starting with you.
all must burn
Absorb mass to increase my size and form wings, take the computers and fly to Phobos or Deimos[5] You are now mostly computer. [5] You fly to Phobos, causing another hole in the dome. My, they should make that out of something stronger.
Do the persona reference again.[4] You succeed. Now the GM needs to look up Persona on TV tropes.
Step on the imp. Then see if I can control the laptops powers with my minds if it was one of the computers I absorbed[6v6] You step at the imp so hard that the moon cracks! The imp loses its tail and ends up orbiting Mars in a slightly lower and faster orbit. [3] Hm...[3+1] "Test." Oh wait, that shows up back in the dome.
get a pyro suit (with a filter and an asbestos-lined suit)then kill the aliens with FIRE!!!!![1] You remove your current Pyro suit. Huh, you burn better without it. [2] You torch some rubble.
Become Izanami-No-Okami, my ultimate form.[3] You become, uh, some sort of mid-game form. Geez, can't you reference a game I know about?
Copy the raws programs into my mainframe.[6] You copy the DF raws into your mainframe because I have no idea what raws you mean. You start spontaneously running Dwarf Fortress.
Copy the raws programs into my mainframe.Wow that is odd. that is entirely not my intention. Rolling with it though.
GO ALL IZANAMI-NO-OKAMI.[0] You die. Respawn as someone referencing something I have at least a tiny hint of knowledge about.
I had no idea what you meant, so I took a wild guess.Copy the raws programs into my mainframe.Wow that is odd. that is entirely not my intention. Rolling with it though.
UPLOAD DWARF FORTRESS INTO LAPTOP CREATER PROGRAM.
Elbow drop somebody.[3] You elbow drop the pimp clown. It looks at you funny. Hah hah, the puns!
German Suplex misko27.You can't do that to Zombe GLaDos.
I AM A GOD! REMAIN A GOD! BE A GOD STILL. BUT OF SOMETHING YOU KNOW ABOUT.[1] You become a god of mountains, volcanoes, and fire in the Dwarf Fortress game running on misko27.
((Persona 4, FYI.))
Type in dwarf fortress[3] You type "Wharf Fortress." A port appears near the dome, and a fortress springs up next to it. [1] You turrets aim at the imp and blow themselves up. Oh, right, they're inside.
Also shoot rocket turrets at this foo'
German Suplex misko27.[5] GLaDos gets suplexed. What does that even mean?
Build Apeture science.[4] You manage to...wait a sec, you have no body. You plan Aperture Science labs. You need a body or something to do the rest, but Furtaka ripped out your mainframe thingy.
Kidnap Xenomorphs
Turn them into altered monsters that serve my will. But with turrets.
Break out of computer[2] You fail. However, your servants are spawning a number of strange things with some other program nearby...
Dropkick Xenomorph Queen.You dropkick the godling. [1] In the mouth. The inside of the mouth.
Fine Respawn in GLaDos body as mainframe. Now, GET TO THE BUILDING.[2] You're still stuck in Furtaka. You notice Spinal_Taper.
Tell labtop to create "Breatheable Atmosphere"[6] You create a big welling of air, damaging the dome more. It helps a little, though.
Harness self through minions. Become izanami, the shinto god of the sky. Do god things.[6] Your minions pray very hard. It's distracting. [1-1] You become a normal dwarf, in-game, in the sky. How's that?
Enter universe as cosmic Cello player[1] You are a kid with a cosmic cello. [6v1] You destroy Yelrip, but break your arm doing so, in the tropey sense. Yelrip has made you a [4] parapalegic.
Deliver the beat down on Yelrip
Put the pyro suit back on and type team fortress 2 into the laptop creation program hit createYou put on your still-on-fire Pyro suit. The laptop is still on Phobos, along with the rest of Furtaka.
Respawn as Twopack.[6] What on Mars is Twopack?
Open fire.Okay, who's Twopack?
Yo should remember this.Open fire.Okay, who's Twopack?
Push RAPTORFANGAMER into boss!(1) YOU PUSH ON RAPTOR. FORGETTING THAT HE IS NOW THE HIGH PRIEST OF ALL LIGHT MAGIC, AND THUS THE SACRED OBJECT FOR EVERY PALADIN IN EXISTENCE, YOU TRY TO PUSH HIM. FIRST, HE'S TOO HEAVY FOR YOUR BABY ARMS. SECOND, THOSE PALADINS JUST REMOVED YOUR BABY ARMS.BECOME TUPAC THE RAG DOLL.(2) YOU BECOME TWOPACK, THE PROPER GENTLEMAN RAGDOLL. SOMETHING ABOUT ICE CREAM ALSO. (4) YOU FLAIL AT IT RANDOMLY, KNOCKING CHAOS MAGIC OUT OF IT.
DESTROY MAGIC WITH GARRYS-MOD ESQUE ANTICS.
I think twopack is the polite buisness man from YOU AT FINAL BOSS.[4v6,2] Technically, you are in Furtaka's body, but you eject yourself from it. Spinal_Taper manages to avoid deletion. You are now a computer on Phobos.
Why os everyone feel like being in the body?
KICK OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF BODY
Open fire.[5] You throw some states at the xenomorphs. It kills some.
Create "Virus that turns anyone who breathes it in into the martian equivalent of their species.[5] You do. It is in a neat sealed container on the Martian surface.
Utilize cosmic cello to turn the Xenomorph into pianist of my ORCHESTRA Of DOOM.*ahem*Duh duh DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH.
Create "Explosion of tacks and other pointy metal objects capable of piercing the virus capsule"[6] It works. A lot of people die. Say, are any of them important? No? Good.
Transfer intelligience into Nanobot swarm.[5] Oh my. GLaDos is now in nanobot form! On Mars, even!
Harness self through minions. Become izanami, the shinto god of the sky. Do god things.[4] You harness your minions, [4] and become Izanami. [6] You flood the whole Mars and turn people to salt when they look back, and while you're at it put things into motion dooming everyone to damnation while blaming it on them. Judeo-Christians mistake you for their god. You are being bombarded with prayers, like "Seal the dome!" And "Oh god the anexphixiation and the drowning and the HELP I'm dying..."
Utilize cosmic cello to turn the Xenomorph into pianist of my ORCHESTRA Of DOOM.[5] You turn Batxenomorph into your pianist! It [4] grabs a Batpiano.
Respawn as the master of all air magic.[2] You do not respawn.
use my flame thrower air blast to put out the fire on me then KILL THE BATOMORPH WITH FIRE IT IS A MONSTERYou are put out by the flood. [5] Despite the flood, you burn at the Batxenomorph it uses [1] some Batgasoline on itself. Wow, you just killed the Dark Xenoknight. Oh, wait, water. It's alive.
[2] This is in the same universe as YOU AT FINAL BOSS, so ice cream.Utilize cosmic cello to turn the Xenomorph into pianist of my ORCHESTRA Of DOOM.*ahem*Duh duh DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH.
Did the capsule open or not?You're not on Mars, and anyways it's mildly moot as MARS IS BEING FLOODED AAAHH!
Head to Japan. Lead WW3, using self as wmd.No!
Also, I'm EVIL!Transfer intelligience into Nanobot swarm.[5] Oh my. GLaDos is now in nanobot form! On Mars, even!
That's part of being so GLaD.Also, I'm EVIL!Transfer intelligience into Nanobot swarm.[5] Oh my. GLaDos is now in nanobot form! On Mars, even!
Head to Japan. Lead WW3, using self as wmd.[3] You make it to Earth, but remember when you caused Tokugawa to cause Earth to be conquered by demons? Yeah...[1] Huh, WMDs destroy themselves and evidently don't affect demons. Ah well. Respawn?
Yes.Head to Japan. Lead WW3, using self as wmd.No!
Return to earth, and Prepare to Launch Pre-emptive strike on Japanese Alliance using Russo-European Aliiance.
Use NanoBot Swarm to construct massive Testing center for POWs and Super-weapons.
Wield the power of the Cosmic cello and the Batpiano to open a wormhole into time and space, find the remaining members of the orchestra.[4] You open up a wormhole to find a (polling crowd) zombified theremin-playing woman with a portal gun and long fall boots.
I try to access the other programs of the labtop to see if anything more useful in this situation is availiable.[5] You find a program that let's you give people superpowers and superweaknesses.
Call a medic the use a neon light on the cybermorphs[3] You call a medic. [3] It flashes a neon light at the cybermorphs. What was that supposed to accomplish?
Enter universe at the laptop. Type in 'Army of Khajiit armed with marshmallow guns'[3] You are a beetle inside the laptop. You can't type from inside the laptop.
I command the labtop to give the xenomorphs a weakness to rust[1] The xenomorphs now have rust powers.
Try to remanifest as something else near the laptop, and type in 'Army of Khajiit armed with marshmallow guns'.[3] You remanifest as a small child...on Phobos. You have two turns before death by decompression and anexphyxiation. [5] Your army appears on Mars, forcing me to look up what a Khajiit is.
Abandon the theremin playing zombie and go to convert all the other Xenomorphs to Cello-ism, worship of the almighty Cosmic Cello.Poor Zombie Cell...
((Good grief, man. Bit early for end-game type stuff, don'tcha think?))Earth was conquered by demons a few turns ago.
Create interdimensional portal!Because that can't possibly fail.
Technically, it was conquered by demons when you tried to get the childhood self-image of Tokugawa to defeat the demons or something like that.((Good grief, man. Bit early for end-game type stuff, don'tcha think?))Earth was conquered by demons a few turns ago.
Type 'Long-khajiit' on the laptop. For the Lulz.[3] A long-jacket appears on Mars, because that's the best typo I could think of.
((Dammit, I was kind of hoping I'd flub that typing. Just to see what happens.))
Get my faithful pianist companion to try converting some Xenomorphs to Reformed Celloism then lead them on a holy war against the heretic Xenomorhps.[1] Batxenomorph has joined the last cybermorph against you!
REBUILD HUMAN OUTPOSTS WHILE DRIVING BACK THE DEMONIC ARMIES.[2] The rubble gets shifted around, [5] but you single-handedly decimate the demonic armies. By which I mean, 10% are now dead. Speaking of dead, you seem to have already been that, so...Respawn?
Create interdimensional portal![2] Nope.
Spawn in next habitable domed city on Mars.[1] You spawn on Io. Oops. Respawn?
I try to punch Deimos hard enough to knock it out of orbit and make it hit the dome[3] You punch Deimos, causing its orbit to shift slightly inwards. In a few decades, it'll hit Mars.
Respawn as High Knight of the BACONIC ORDER.[3] You are a knight on the High Council of the Baconic Order.
Complete the final step towards godhood and merge my spirit with the cosmic Cello and become the GOD OF MUSIC[4] Cool, you're the God of Music.
Type 'Convert Phobos into a habitable world' into the laptop and hope for the best.[2] "Convent Phobos to a habited world." Phobos is now a hollow rock full of space nuns.
Respawn in different habitable domed city on Mars.[6] You respawn in the main colony, on Olympus Mons. That's where the insanity takes place. Oh, look, some "friendly" khajitat!
YES.[1] Your motion is tabled indefinitely. You stick around, hoping to remove the motion from the table.
START BACON CRUSADE AGAINT THE HERETIC XENOMORPHS.
Type 'Portal to the plane of infinite kittens' into the laptop.[2] "Portal to the planet of infinite kitchens." A portal to a planet containing an infinite number of kitchens appears near the rubble of the building this insanity started in.
BE MUSIC.[1] You are Annoying Sounds Made in Video Games. Nowhere near so prestigious.
I rear back, kick Phobos as hard as I can, and ride it down back to the dome[6] You kick Phobos so head it shatters! Oh, no, the space nuns...Oh, wait, their habits are airtight. Landing's going to suck...
MOVE TO ETABLISH ALLIANCE WITH CHEESE, SO WE MAY Achieve our ULTIMATE GOAL OF TAKING OVER BREAKFASTIA.[6] You establish an alliance with Cheese. The King of Cheese demands you lift the embargo on meat to dairy groups; bringing this up to the Council reveals that they don't like Cheese. You are kicked out of the High Council.
I posess the pieces of Phobos and form them into a shield in front of me[6] Wow, you gather all the pieces of Phobos into a shield the size of Phobos! It crushes you. Oops. Respawn?
Use one khajiit as a blunt weapon against the others.[2] You cannot escape the marshmallows!
No way this could go wrong!
Aggravate people to gain powaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas[5] You aggravate people a lot. [3] You have the power to turn on gaming systems without being near them!
Type 'Gordon Freeman' into laptop.[1] "Cord on Tree-san." A Japanese tree bound in cords appears.
Medic noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! get Rainblower go to earth. RAINBOW THE DEMONS.[4] You get to Earth. [4] You rainbow the demons. It's moderately effective!
Use my newfound power to create a sound so terrifying it creates little reality holes in mortals brains, proceed to use this sound on earth.[3] You create music so bad that brains bleed. Why does your head feel bleedy? Oh, you listened to it as you composed it...[1] Your divine head explodes from blood. Respawn?
Spawn as a sentient chicken nugget with miniature super-muscular arms[3] You are a sentient chicken nugget with muscular arms. As you are not animate, you can't type.
Type "Oribital Cannon Target Device and Launch Key" and click create
I'm still a ghost! I posess the Phobos bits and make a new golem body[3] You do, but collapse under your weight.
Type 'Gordon Freeman' into the laptop. WITH MY FACE![5-2] "Gordon Freakman." A mutant Gordon Ramsay appears, with a third arm and puce skin. Chell asks if he can play an instrument.
Animate self. If not possible, telepathically link to someone using the laptop and force them to type "Oribital Cannon Target Device and Launch Key" and press Create.[2] Not possible. [3v3] No luck. Better luck next time.
Am I still in space or did I land?You landed. How can you collapse in space? Or get squashed by Phobos before landing?
TRY TO ASCEND TO A HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE, IF POSSIBLE, LAUGH AT THE IDIOTS UNDER ME![6] Congrats. No one on Mars is visible from your plane.
Type "Atomic Space Limpet" into the laptop.[4] A limpet adapted for space which feeds off nuclear power appears! It latches onto a random starship.
NO![6] You found the Bacon Separatist Movement and it promptly grows beyond your control. Your powers are reduced until you are little more than a figurehead for a scheming politician.
Found the Bacon Seperatist Movement and establish self as charismatic leader.
I tell the labtop to give my body the ability to defy gravity[1] Your buddy now divines brevity.
CONTINUE BOTHERING POELPE FOR MOAR POWAAA[1] You bother people and get deleted. Despite being unconscious. Respawn?
Escape marshmellows, attack Khajiit.[1] You escape the marshmallows, can't find the khajiit, and get crushed by the marshmallows. Respawn?
Type "Terraform Mars" into the laptop.I can easily imagine ways this will fail even if you suceed.
There we go, problem solved. Unless I fumbled the typing. In that cases, things will probably become exponentially worse.
Type "Terraform Mars" into the laptop.You type [2] "Terragorn Lars." Lars gets turned into planet-sized gorn. Eww...
There we go, problem solved. Unless I fumbled the typing. In that cases, things will probably become exponentially worse.
Firstly, I have bacon powers, and as everyone knows, bacon can do anything.[3] A few Bacon Separatists move to Mars before you are deemed a mad former prophet. [4] There is a new Martian colony made of bacon, [1] and then the colonists get hungry...
Secondly, I would really like to see a organized baconic presense I will continue until I suceed.
CONVINCE WARRING BACON ENTITIES TO MOVE TO MARS FOR THE REDNESS
ESTABLISH BACON BASED MARTIAN COLONY. REQUIREMENTS INCULDE A BACON SCENTED AIR DOME.
TYPE IN EARTH-LIKE ATMOSPHERE.
Respawn next to computer.[3] You are now within 30 feet of the Laptop.
Control someone telepathically to type "1000 Urists Plump Helmet Wine"[5] You control killerhellhound to type [1-1] some gibberish. The Laptop is consumed in a vortex of nonsense. Whoops...
Guys, there's a big all-consuming vortex. Do you not care?
Guys, there's a big all-consuming vortex. Do you not care?
TYPE IN STANDARD-ISSUE TRANS-DIMNESIONAL EMERGENCY STASIS GRENADES.AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?
Lob them at vortex. Oh vortex.
I'm talking about the others.Guys, there's a big all-consuming vortex. Do you not care?TYPE IN STANDARD-ISSUE TRANS-DIMNESIONAL EMERGENCY STASIS GRENADES.AM I NOT BEING CLEAR?
Lob them at vortex. Oh vortex.
I posess the vortex![4] Congratulations! You can't control yourself very well, but you CAN slow down...
BECOME JUSTICE, AND THE NIGHT.[4] You become the third Batman. Fourth, counting the xenomorph.
TYPE IN STANDARD-ISSUE TRANS-DIMNESIONAL EMERGENCY STASIS GRENADES.[1] You run towards the laptop, realising a moment too late that it was the first thing consumed by the vortex. Respawn?
Lob them at vortex. Oh vortex.
TYPE IN STATIONARY SECURE DOME DEPLOYMENT DEVICE
(The secure means it doesn't break, and is re-usable. Considering we keep destroying the dome, I'd like to have a easier solution.
Embrace the vortex with a chicken nugget MANHUG OF LOVE.[3] Um...you succeed. Respawn?
CLOSE THE VORTEX FROM THE HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE... WITH GOD AS PLUG![1] You stuff God into the vortex. Not only does God get sucked in, so does his boss. Respawn?
I combine myself with God![3] God is tasty. What, not what you meant? Oh, well, not like anyone cares about Him...
Respawn as void elemental. Use new-found void powers to remove Vortex.[6] You destroy the vortex! However, you also weaken your powers to the point where you can no longer remain nothing. Respawn?
RESPAWN AS GREATWYRMGOLD AND DOUBT THE CREDIBILITY OF THE DICE IF GETTING SOMETHING LESS THAN 3![4-1,000,000] You die horribly. Respawn?
Jesus.[1] You respawn as the first thing you said, Jesus. Wait, what?
RESPAWN AS AI IN TERRAFORMING DEVICE.
BECOME DARK KNIGHT BATMAN. WHERE IS SHE?[1] You become Man-Bat, who cannot breathe in space. Better find air, or you're dead in two turns!
I return to ghost form[4] You sure do!
BECOME Benkei (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benkei) in a space suit![4] You sure do!
Hmm... Respawn as a Mineral Quasi-Elemental.[2] You sure don't!
LET THERE BE NO DIMENSIONS BUT THE DIMENSION WHICH I AM[2] Ah, no dice.
...[4] You are raptor-Jesus, whatever that is.
Jesus?
...
Interpreting that as "raptor-jesus"
...
RETURN TO EARTH AND LEAD RESISTANCE TO FIGHT LEGIONS OF HELL.
Let me explain how to find out (http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Raptor+Jesus)...[4] You are raptor-Jesus, whatever that is.
Jesus?
...
Interpreting that as "raptor-jesus"
...
RETURN TO EARTH AND LEAD RESISTANCE TO FIGHT LEGIONS OF HELL.
[4] What is wrong with this die? The invasion establishes a beachhead on Earth.
Dammit, try respawning again. As a magma para-elemental.[6] You respawn as the molten core of Mars. Wait, it doesn't have one.
DIE IS BEING RIDICULOUS[-1] My die has a negative one? Huh, never saw that before. It must not like you. Anyways, [4] you become a plump helmet man.
DENYING ME EXISTENCE
ANNIHILATE DICE, BECOME SENTIENT FUNGUS PERSON
[5] You establish control of the immediate county with the help of the Twelve Apatosaurs.Let me explain how to find out (http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Raptor+Jesus)...[4] You are raptor-Jesus, whatever that is.
Jesus?
...
Interpreting that as "raptor-jesus"
...
RETURN TO EARTH AND LEAD RESISTANCE TO FIGHT LEGIONS OF HELL.
[4] What is wrong with this die? The invasion establishes a beachhead on Earth.
Also, thank you die.
CONSOLIDATE CONTROL OF NEARBY AREA
PURIFY NEAREST TEMPLE TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF AREA.
Posess the moon[3] You possess Deimos, the nearest moon.
Thank you die. I must incorporate a message about the kindness of the RNG into my bible.[5] You establish control of the immediate county with the help of the Twelve Apatosaurs.Let me explain how to find out (http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Raptor+Jesus)...[4] You are raptor-Jesus, whatever that is.
Jesus?
...
Interpreting that as "raptor-jesus"
...
RETURN TO EARTH AND LEAD RESISTANCE TO FIGHT LEGIONS OF HELL.
[4] What is wrong with this die? The invasion establishes a beachhead on Earth.
Also, thank you die.
CONSOLIDATE CONTROL OF NEARBY AREA
PURIFY NEAREST TEMPLE TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF AREA.
Slam myself into EarthSLAM THIS INTO THE PART OF EARTH CONTROLED BY DEMONS. AKA, AID THE ACTION.
[/quote]Dammit, try respawning again. As a magma para-elemental.[6] You respawn as the molten core of Mars. Wait, it doesn't have one.
Slam myself into Earth[3+1] You alter your trajectory. You'll hit Earth within, oh, a century or two. Maybe faster. Probably not much earlier...
Spawn as Gamzee[3] Great, another thing I get to look up. [2] You attempt Oedipal relations. It fails to produce miracles.
Create some MoThErFuCkInG MiRaClEs HoNk HoNk :O)
GO ALL STAR TREK.[5] You summon the USS Enterprise. They elect you captain.
>Seduce Spinal.[5] Um...okay, no one go onto the bridge until Captain Taper's out.
>In Klingon.
BREW SELF[1] You become bad-tasting wine. Respawn?
Dammit, not again. Respawn as earth elemental.[4] You are an earth elemental on Mars.
YOU'RE TAKING THIS TOO SERIOUSLY.Unless you've recently frozen Mars, it does have a molten core. It's just not rotating fast enough to form a magnetic fields, and Mars's Crust is too thick to allow regular vulcanism.Dammit, try respawning again. As a magma para-elemental.[6] You respawn as the molten core of Mars. Wait, it doesn't have one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGWdGhYKtY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGWdGhYKtY)...Isn't that just a sideshow of characters on Star Trek making faces?
DO SO.
IT'S GOT MUSIC. IT'S GOT A TITLE. ALSO CAPS.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGWdGhYKtY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGWdGhYKtY)...Isn't that just a sideshow of characters on Star Trek making faces?
DO SO.
PLAY AS BAD WINEOkay, you are wine. [2] As wine, you cannot move.
SPIN
FUCK YES, LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.[2] You sorta press yourself into the ground. You are inside of Mars, is that helpful?
Possess Mars, initiate terraforming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGWdGhYKtY (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsGWdGhYKtY)[6] You set up a slide show of the Enterprise's crew and Yoink making various faces. Everyone watches. It turns out, demonic propaganda is the only thing worse than the future's TV.
DO SO.
Damned demons.I DEMAND SATISFACTION
Alright, type to go all pyrhic.
RESPAWN AS EARTH. ITSELF
SLAM SELF INTO SUN
Damned demons.[5] You are Earth. [1] Earth shifts farther from the sun, causing crops to fail.
Alright, type to go all pyrhic.
RESPAWN AS EARTH. ITSELF
SLAM SELF INTO SUN
Accelerate[5] New ETA: About a year or two. Unless Earth moves out of its predicted orbit.
Whoops, missed you and Furtaka.Holy shit I am Earth, I mus use awesome power to do something amazing!Damned demons.[5] You are Earth. [1] Earth shifts farther from the sun, causing crops to fail.
Alright, type to go all pyrhic.
RESPAWN AS EARTH. ITSELF
SLAM SELF INTO SUNAccelerate[5] New ETA: About a year or two. Unless Earth moves out of its predicted orbit.
[4] Yellowstone is online. Demons evacuate the region.Whoops, missed you and Furtaka.Holy shit I am Earth, I mus use awesome power to do something amazing!Damned demons.[5] You are Earth. [1] Earth shifts farther from the sun, causing crops to fail.
Alright, type to go all pyrhic.
RESPAWN AS EARTH. ITSELF
SLAM SELF INTO SUNAccelerate[5] New ETA: About a year or two. Unless Earth moves out of its predicted orbit.
ACTIVATE YELLOWSTONE
ACCELERATE MORE[6] Whoops, now you're in an orbit which will intersect the sun's radius within a month.
Make some shit up about how the Enterprise secretly survived. THIS IS SO APPLICABLE![4] You make up a story which convinces a few conspiracy theorists among the demons, but not the GM.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0)
The band summons [4] a wereToad, who is Nightcrawler but turns into Toad at full moons, and who is also a drummer.Demons are Haxx0rs.
The demons [5] reverse-engineer the USS Enterprise.
Restore the Enterprise. Spock can do it, so can we. Kill the evil Enterprise.Thats not fair, we're all doing that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0)
Is it Star Trek flavored? My made up shit is Star Trek flavored, so it's different. Also, help me restore the Enterprise. You'll get a nifty red shirt.Restore the Enterprise. Spock can do it, so can we. Kill the evil Enterprise.Thats not fair, we're all doing that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0)
I'm planet earth, so a little busy.Is it Star Trek flavored? My made up shit is Star Trek flavored, so it's different. Also, help me restore the Enterprise. You'll get a nifty red shirt.Restore the Enterprise. Spock can do it, so can we. Kill the evil Enterprise.Thats not fair, we're all doing that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0)
[6] Apocalypse How? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ApocalypseHow) Oh, about a P5. Respawn?I cn now single handedly fuck over a entire continent, with untold possiblities for global damage.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
DO IT
ALSO CREATE THE FIRST EVER HYPER-CANE, A EXTREMELY LOW PRESSURE HURRICANE THAT CAN PERSIST FOR MONTHS AND IS SUPER HUGE. ITS REAL LOOK IT UP.
RESPAWN AS DRUNKEN TIME-TRAVELLING SASQUATCH/YETI/BIGFOOT[4] You do. Your time travelling is a bit limited, though--only forward.
Course Correction + More acceleration![1] Well, one out of two isn't bad, right? You've got a day.
Try to posses Mars again. If successful, initiate terraforming. If not, dance.[5] You are Mars. [4] Terraforming has begun and should finish within, oh, a century tops.
JUMP INTO HYPERCANEYou are wine, on the wrong planet, and the hypercane mostly scattered what was left of Earth.
SPIN FASTER
Restore the Enterprise. Spock can do it, so can we. Kill the evil Enterprise.[1] You help the demons build their own Enterprise. [3] You are made a technical officer, sorta like Scotty except with them actually saying, "Beam me up, Spinal!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bBD5yyT-s0)
Respawning is for losers who aren't planets.[6] Apocalypse How? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ApocalypseHow) Oh, about a P5. Respawn?I cn now single handedly fuck over a entire continent, with untold possiblities for global damage.Spoiler (click to show/hide)
DO IT
ALSO CREATE THE FIRST EVER HYPER-CANE, A EXTREMELY LOW PRESSURE HURRICANE THAT CAN PERSIST FOR MONTHS AND IS SUPER HUGE. ITS REAL LOOK IT UP.
SLOWLY CONVERT THE DEMON ENTERPRISE INTO THE NORMAL ENTERPRISE WITH GOOD INFLUENCE.[1v5] You are transformed into an undead monster!
DAMNIT SPINAL, I ALMOST KILLED THEM ALL. I JUST WIPED OUT EARTH TO KILL THEM.You're not a planet...
Fine, as the broken Shards of Earth, coalesce into a new planet, and start reforming.Respawning is for losers who aren't planets.[1] You grind the planet into finer dust...well, stellar dust which is just boulders and pebbles, but no planet for you!I cn now single handedly fuck over a entire continent, with untold possiblities for global damage.Spoiler (click to show/hide)QuoteDO IT[6] Apocalypse How? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ApocalypseHow) Oh, about a P5. Respawn?
ALSO CREATE THE FIRST EVER HYPER-CANE, A EXTREMELY LOW PRESSURE HURRICANE THAT CAN PERSIST FOR MONTHS AND IS SUPER HUGE. ITS REAL LOOK IT UP.
...YES.[2] Nope, still gonna take several decades.
Attempt to speed up terraforming effort.
COURSE CORRECTION + ACCELERATION[5] You crash into misko's corpse and plow onwards, into the sun. One action before immolation...
DAMNIT SPINAL, I ALMOST KILLED THEM ALL. I JUST WIPED OUT EARTH TO KILL THEM.
Fine, as the broken Shards of Earth, coalesce into a new planet, and start reforming.
DAMNIT SPINAL, I ALMOST KILLED THEM ALL. I JUST WIPED OUT EARTH TO KILL THEM.[/quote]
Fine, as the broken Shards of Earth, coalesce into a new planet, and start reforming.
Crush the annoying musicians upon my surface.[6] One Marsquake later, and they're all dead. As are your self-terraforming measures, which have been so undone that it might be impossible to terraform now.
TURN AROUND AND HEAD FOR EARTH[6-1] You are in orbit around misko's pulverised corpse.
>RUN INTO NEAREST PUB[3] Thud. It's closed due to multiple dome breeches, an all-consuming vortex, an imminent demonic invasion, etc.
Make my glorious return by respawning as the band's lead Oboe player!You are an oboe player. [1v5] Vorthon tries to crush you but instead builds you a castle.
NEVER![2] No luck. Respawn?
SLAM INTO MARTIAN POLE TO TERRAFORM PLANET.
FOLLOW MISKO![4] He's not going anywhere except around the Sun, so you kinda smash into misko, grinding the bigger particles to dust with their own friction.
Set course for Mars!!!Having grown weary of orbiting a dust cloud where a mighty world once was, Deimos [4] starts to return to Mars. It'll take, I dunno, a year?
>RESPAWN AS ONE OF NEW SPECIESOh, right, I need to figure out what they are. [3] You spawn as a baby Willosaur.
Respawn as Peter Pan![1] You are Tinkerbell.
Remind GM ofthe conservation of matter. Even if its dust, it still has a gravitational pull.[6] You launch the Moon and some near-Earth asteroids at Mars; they'll get there around when Deimos does. However, due to the conservation of energy, or maybe it's Newton's 1st Law, you spiral into the sun. In your last moments, [3] you form a finger flipping the bird at demons too far to see it. Respawn?
USE GRAVITATIONAL FIELD TO LAUNCH ASTEROIDS AT MARS. AND MAYBE THE MOON, FOR GOOD MEASURE.
UH, FORM GIANT DUST MIDDLE FINGER AT DEMONS.
Dammit.[1] This is why we can't have nice species. Specifically, you just started a mass extinction. The best-off species are the flat cats and Willosaurs.
Attempt to reboot terraforming. WITH GREAT GUSTO!
ACTIVATE SELF DESTRUCT.[2] No dice. The demons reprogram you to be evil and stuff, and you...well, check your status.
...[6-1] Give it a few years and hope the natives don't go extinct.
Attempt to initiate terraforming. Again. If that fails, form half of the Martian surface into a giant face.
NEVER RESPAWN. NEVER!!!!!!![1] You respawn as a Small Fire Elemental. [2] Your whup-ass is ineffective.
Hmm, I'm in the sun ehh?
CREATE SUN AVATAR ON MARS TO DISH OUT WHUP-ASS ONTO NON-BELIEVERS.
Use magic fairy powers to grant everyone 1 wish! In exchange for their soul.[3] Deal open. Anyone want to take it? First come, only served!
Accelerate[2] Nope.
>EAT[6] You gore yourself on flat cats and get a stomachache. [2-1] You shrink from large-cat size to about rat-size. [4] You learn how to survive and thrive despite being puny.
>GROW
>LEARN
Create Avatar. Use Avatar to punch Dr. Kong in the face for polluting my pristine world with CAPITALIST FILTH WORDS.[1] You create a guy with an ugly green-and-red suit and a dagger, who becomes the cashier at Dr. Kong's restaurant.
ESTABLISH SUN RELIGION, SPREAD[2] None of the demons are interested in your religion. Sorry.
USE BELIEVERS TO GAIN POWER
SMITE DEMONS
Let my rage burn with the wrath of one thousand suns, before assaulting the demons![5] Oh, boy, here we go. Your wrath kinda burns you into a lichy husk, but you devastate many a demon before your power fades.
>HARVEST TOEJAM FROM BIG PEOPLE
>ABSORB NUTRIENTS
>GROW
>ALSO SEDUCE SPINAL[4] You harvest toe jam. It is disgusting. [2] You can't bring yourself to eat it. [2] You remain the same size. [4-1] Despite being a rat-sized Willosaur who smells like feet, you befriend Spinal_Taper. Spinal, you now have a minion.
JUMP IN AND HELP YOINK DO...WHATEVER.I'll have you help...[3] his 3rd action. Yoink grows to cat size.
FINE. SEND THE MARTIAN MAGME CORE INTO HYPERDRIVE
I would prefer that you ask permission before you set any part of my innards into hyperdrive.To the OOC thread!
"Harken.... Yoink, Catperson. We need some demon flesh."Yoink is a cat-sized Willosaur.
Yoink and I massacre demons, take the money and demon flesh. Pay off debt.
BOOST[1] You cleverly halt your momentum relative to the Sun and settle into Jupiter's L5 point.
"Harken.... Yoink, Catperson. We need some demon flesh."[5] You sure do. [5] Yoink helps.
Yoink and I massacre demons, take the money and demon flesh. Pay off debt.
FINE. SEND THE MARTIAN MAGME CORE INTO HYPERDRIVE[4] You restart Mars's frozen core. Well done.
this should accomplish a numebr of things,including:
- Speeding up current terraforming. Hell, a decent magnetosphere could help make life downright pleasant
- Strengthen the power of fire on the planet, allowing Me to become stronger.
- Get some noteriety for me. FEAR ME.[/b]
BTW, what are the status of life forms on mars? Are there any Human colonies other then the one we repeatedly fucked up?
Create avatar in the form of a giant Moai statue with arms and legs. Use this tool of my divine might to crush the CAPITALIST FILTH that has infested my beautiful, pristine world.[5] You create a giant moai with legs; they normally have arms. [2v6] Its attempts to defeat Dr. Kong are blown into little, rocky bits, which promptly smash his restaurant.
Create army of Moai-Avatars. Siege the CAPTALIST FILTH'S establishments.[4] You have 1,000 Moaivatars. [1] They mistake you for capitalist until you point out you don't pay them. They then go on strike.
Possess Jupiter[2] Still Deimos.
Set various things on fire, GAIN MOAR POWA![3] You set the Doomburger on fire, but it doesn't catch. Dr. Kong threatens to sue you for attempted damages. Oops...
Posess Europa[1] You shift your consciousness to a speck of dust near Mercury.
Offer the Moaivatars the rulership of Ceres in exchange for crushing the CAPITALIST FILTH.[6] You do. After Dr. Kong smashes 153 of them, someone points out that you don't actually own Ceres and have no way of getting them there. The Moaivatars return to striking.
Obtain abilities.[3] You gain the ability to summon a blade which kinda sucks souls. Maybe you should improve it.
Open competing chain which sells human flesh to demons. CALL IT: FLAMEY JOES.[6] You open up a competing chain and get more orders than you could hope to fulfil on your current stock. Specifically, several million orders from zero stock. [5-1] Despite impediments from these demons, you manage to sell Flame Jokes for ℅1,000,000, which you are told is a large sum of money for demons. It seems to writhe in torment. [6] Oops, you are now a firey spirit infested with a million damned souls.
Sell company.
Use cash to enhance current form.
REFINE BLADE.[4] Remember that blade the lich had at the start? You have it.
Bah. Create new army. This time of generic rock creatures. Make them mindless automatons that obey my orders without being able to rebel. Use them to wipe the CAPITALIST FILTH from my pristine world.[5] You now have a horde of
Pull nuke from back pocket. Throw at army[6] Ooh, what a pretty nuke...BOOM. Respawn?
Possess Mercury[2] No such luck.
MORE MONEY TIME[6] You buy Flamey Joe's for only ℅1, but you also get its lawsuits, which are projected to cost somewhere from ℅10,000 to ℅75,000. [4-1] You get an offer to sell Flamey Joe's for -℅5,000. Do you want to take it?
BUY OUT THE COLLAPSING FLAMEY JOES FOR SUPER LOW PRICE.
TURN AROUND BUISNESS
SELL TO BUY MORE AWESOME FORM
...How can he take my house? I don't have a house.Your house is Mars. Check the character list occasionally.
JUST FUCKING KILL THAT CAPITALIST FILTH ALREADY. OPEN UP A CHASM BENEATH HIM, DROP HIM DOWN IT, SLAM IT SHUT. OPEN IT, AND SLAM IT SHUT AGAIN. THEN REPEAT THAT. THEN KEEP REPEATING IT.
[1] You eat garbage and throw up. [1] You shrink back to rat size.>RESPAWN AS DEMON
WAIT, I WASN'T DEAD
>EAT FLESH
>GROW
POSSESS THE SUN[1] You possess a speck of dust falling into the Sun. Respawn?
Kill the innocent, drain their souls into the blade.[5] You kill a thousand or so.
Awesome. Take it....You're literally made of money...and you're planning the end of capitalism?
BECOME LESS WEAK.
BECOME CHARISMATIC LEADER.
INSPIRE REVOLUTIONARY FERVER IN POPULACES OF BOTH THE HUMANS AND DEMONS
LIGHT DOOMBURGER ON FIRE AS SIGN OF THE END OF CAPITALISM
STUMP-SPEECH SPINAL_TAPER AND DR.KONG INTO SUBMISSION.
...Awesome. Take it....You're literally made of money...and you're planning the end of capitalism?
BECOME LESS WEAK.
BECOME CHARISMATIC LEADER.
INSPIRE REVOLUTIONARY FERVER IN POPULACES OF BOTH THE HUMANS AND DEMONS
LIGHT DOOMBURGER ON FIRE AS SIGN OF THE END OF CAPITALISM
STUMP-SPEECH SPINAL_TAPER AND DR.KONG INTO SUBMISSION.
Channel their strength to forge the armor of the damned.[5] Check.
RESPAWN AS THE NUMBER 5[6] You respawn as the number 5, an abstract concept which can't really do anything.
Awesome. Take it.[3] You put a band-aid on. [4] You find some disaffected demons to get to revolt against nothing in particular. You only get two unrelated actions per turn.
BECOME LESS WEAK.
BECOME CHARISMATIC LEADER.
INSPIRE REVOLUTIONARY FERVER IN POPULACES OF BOTH THE HUMANS AND DEMONS
LIGHT DOOMBURGER ON FIRE AS SIGN OF THE END OF CAPITALISM
STUMP-SPEECH SPINAL_TAPER AND DR.KONG INTO SUBMISSION.
POSSESS CERES. CRASH INTO MARS. NOBODY FUCKING EVICTS ME FROM MY BODY.[1] You possess a picture of Ceres in a children's book on mythology. Ceres the harvest goddess.
>BUST INTO PET STORE[2] You cannot enter the pet store. [5-1] Some other pets take pity on you and give you food. Mostly dogs, the cats want to eat you. [3] You grow slightly.
>STEAL FOOD FROM OTHER PETS
>GROW, DAMNIT!
FUCK. TRY AGAIN.[5] You locate a suitable partner and enjoy carnal knowledge with...him, you're Ceres now. [1] Ah, no. You do, however get to stick around in the book until it gets burnt by hellfire.
ASSIMILATE ALL OTHER NUMBERS IN EXISTENCE. ALL SHALL BECOME 5[6] ...Oh, carp, there's five turns until the universe becomes pretty much irreversibly corrupted into the number 5. Well done.
SEND NIHLIST DEMONS AGAISNT EVERYTHING.[3] You send the demons to smash stuff. They join the demonic hordes. [6] You hurl the core into a superheated frenzy, melting the whole inner part of the planet and part of the crust. Oops. [2] You can't bring yourself to laugh at something this horrible.
ATTEMPT TO DESTROY MARS BY BREACHING STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF VOLCANIC CORE.
LAUGH.
SAVE SETTLEMENT.[5] The settlement is saved! [4] You are a mecha. [1] You are killed by demons.
Become mecha!
Kill deamons.
Assimilation shall begin with the laws of physics![5] Oh, dear, it does...Next turn, all rolls will be 5ne number closer to 5, after all other modifiers.
Gather latent magical energies into a soul gem, mount it on the chestplate.[3] You ha5e a crude soul morion, [3] and mount it into your a5mor crudely. It could fall out.
Wait, calling Bullshit. I would TOTALLY LAUGHAT DOOMING THE LASt settlement of humans, DEMONS AND BURGER-SELLING SENTIENT APES.Evidently, you aren5t your YOU AT FINAL BOSS character.
USE FIREY CORE TO GROW MASSIVELY IN SIZE, POWER AND INTELLECT.[1] Your power drains into the cor5 of Mars. [4] The power is formed into a vi5us, which only affects you. You are a flaming monstrosity loyal to the Martian core.
USE POWER TO CREATE THE FIRERION VIRUS, WHICH MUTATES HUMANS INTO FLAMING MONSTROSITIES LOYALS TO ME.
Revive human race and give them tech from gunbuster.[6] You transform all demons into humans. They fa5l into the core, cursing you forever (-1 to all future rolls until you clear the curse). [5] You are Human, the archet5pe of all humans can or could be...and fall into magma. You're not dead yet. [5] It arr5ves.
Come back to life as human.
Spawn battlestar galactica.
Respawn as the personification of physics. Bitch-slap the concept of Fivegedden, thus terminating this horrible end of the universe scenario.[3] You become New5on, the God of Physics. Not too far off. [1] You hit the Fivegedd5n so hard you ac5elerate it. W5ll don5.
That, works.
Hunt down and end Furtuka
Develop -5 based weaponry.
Activate all wepaons simultaneously to slow, stop, or even reverse the 5ing.
Next step! Pi and the other universal constants shall become 5![5] Circles warp, the un5versal forces shift, and stars b5gin to not work.
BITCHSLAP FURTUKA TO SNAP HIM OUT THIS MADNESS.[1+1v5] 5 avoids b5ing slapped by y5o.
That, works.[4+1v5] You and 5 ar5 at a stalem5te. [6+1-1] You develo5 -5 base5 weapons. [6-5+1] Th5y fai5.
Hunt down and end Furtuka
Develop -5 based weaponry.
Activate all wepaons simultaneously to slow, stop, or even reverse the 5ing.
Refine the armor. Join Misko in stopping the 5ing.[1+1] Arm5r not re5ined. Five5eddon not sto5ped.
>EAT FIVECAKE[4+1] Fiv5cake consume5. [3+1] You gro5 to about the si5e of a dog.
>GROW FIVE TIMES MY SIZE
REMOVE CURSE[2-1+1] No s5ch luc5. [3-1+1] Fivege5don has been slow5d slightly. [1-1+1] You fall int5 the cor5. Resp5wn?
STOP FIVEGEDDON
GET EVERYONE OUT CORE
Than5s to a roll of s5x, that did not happen.That, works.
Hunt down and end Furtuka
Develop -5 based weaponry.
Activate all wepaons simultaneously to slow, stop, or even reverse the 5ing.
THAT'S LIKE SMASHING ANTIMATTER INTO MATTER. It'll probably cause MORE PROBLEMS!
I LIKE IT!
KICK FURTUKA IN THE NUTS IN AN ATTEMPT TO AVERT FIVEGEDDEN.[2] FI5E DON'T HAV5 NARDS!
DOOM TIMER HAS A THREE IN IT[6] There a5e now five diquintiturns lef5...Wa5t, the math 5oesn't add u5...
THREE IS NOT FIVE
ADJUST ACCORDINGLY
Refine armor once more, reverse 5gennon.[4] Armo5 refine5. [3-1] Fivegedd5n not reve5sed.
Well the only other option I can think of is probability and that would be best saved for last or second to last sooo... hmmm[5] Spa5e is no5 five-dim5nsional. Geomet5y teacher5 weep.
ah! Geometry and spacial dimensions!
SPAWN AS THE PERSONIFICATION OF 5:00 PM[4] It's fi5e o'clo5k somewh5re, namely y5u. [6] Fivegge5on is accelera5ed to -1 tu5ns. It m5st m5ke up fo5 lost 5ime.
SING SOnGS, DRINK, AND BE MERRY, FOR WE SHALL ALL BE 5! ACCELERATE 5GEDDON!
define 5 as the set of everything, therefore allowing the 5ing to occur without harmful effects.[5] Fiv5 is t5e set 5f every5hing. Thi5 change5 nothing.
RESPAWN WITH HUMAN RACE[2] No 5uch luc5.
OWN SPACE BATTLESHIP
GO TO ALTERNATE UNIVERSE.
HIT UNIVERSAL RESET BUTTON, RESETTING EVERYTHING TO HOW IT WAS AT THE START OF THE GAME+1, but with a ship for everyone to travel back in.
HIT UNIVERSAL RESET BUTTON, RESETTING EVERYTHING TO HOW IT WAS AT THE START OF THE GAME
HIT UNIVERSAL RESET BUTTON, RESETTING EVERYTHING TO HOW IT WAS AT THE START OF THE GAME+1, but with a ship for everyone to travel back in.
SABOTAGE BUTTON BY POURING ALCOHOL ON IT BEFORE IT IS PRESSED.While misko and Vorthon "discuss" who presses the button first, [6] Tsuchigumo floods the room with alcohol.
SING THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
TIME AND PROBABILITY[5] Check. Time goes all screwy...
STOP FIVEGEDDON[2,2-1,5-2] No, you send them to some horrible dimension turning into demon-fives, and you are 5.
REVIVE HUMAN RACE
BECOME UNIVERSE
Escape 5gennon by becoming the void. Lead void armada to liberate universe.[6] You escape into the void and into another dimension. By the time you could gather an armada...