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Finally... => Creative Projects => Topic started by: Elephant Parade on October 16, 2013, 08:19:20 pm

Title: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: Elephant Parade on October 16, 2013, 08:19:20 pm

Spoiler: The Lobster (click to show/hide)

The Lobster
There once was a monstrous lobster.
It teamed up with an evil mobster.
With a stomp of his foot and a swipe of its claw,
they set out to conquer Ottawa.
Waiting in Ottawa was a fearsome foe:
it was a hip rapper, yo!
But the lobster's tough shell could withstand the rap,
and it knocked out the rapper with a tap.
Now, the citizens were getting tired of the lobster being a jerk;
all of them were truly irked.
So they crafted a gigantic book,
which the greedy lobster took.
However, the book was rigged to explode!
It just wasn't in the right mode.
The people realized their mistake,
and tried to stab the lobster with a rake.
But the lobster would have none of this,
and frightened off the people with a hiss.
The wizard noticed the deadly book,
and decided to set it off with a powerful right hook.
But the lobster was more skilled in combat,
and knocked the wizard into a wombat.
The wombat turned out to be a mighty cat-cow,
and it sent the wizard flying with an angry meow.
The mobster then pulled out his parasol,
atop which was a furious mole.
It turned out the mobster wanted the lobster's power for himself,
so that he could turn into an immortal elf.
He swung the magic parasol (which was green)
and a gust of wind pushed them into a ravine.
The ravine was full of fiery doom,
and so they exploded with a boom.

This is a poem I finished writing today. Tomorrow, I have to recite it in front of my English class. I may run it through Gizoogle eventually, if I feel like it. "Jerk" and "Irked" rhyme a lot better spoken than written, but I still want to change it.

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: acetech09 on October 16, 2013, 09:02:06 pm

Quote from: Elephant Parade on October 16, 2013, 08:19:20 pm

Spoiler: The Lobster (click to show/hide)

The Lobster
There once was a monstrous lobster.
It teamed up with an evil mobster.
With a stomp of his foot and a swipe of its claw,
they set out to conquer Ottawa.
Waiting in Ottawa was a fearsome foe:
it was a hip rapper, yo!
But the lobster's tough shell could withstand the rap,
and it knocked out the rapper with a tap.
Now, the citizens were getting tired of the lobster being a jerk;
they were truly irked.
So they crafted a gigantic book,
which the greedy lobster took.
However, the book was rigged to explode!
It just wasn't in the right mode.
The people realized their mistake,
and tried to stab the lobster with a rake.
But the lobster would have none of this,
and frightened off the people with a hiss.
The wizard noticed the deadly book,
and decided to set it off with a powerful right hook.
But the lobster was more skilled in combat,
and knocked the wizard into a wombat.
The wombat turned out to be a mighty cat-cow,
and it sent the wizard flying with an angry meow.
The mobster then pulled out his parasol,
atop which was a furious mole.
It turned out the mobster wanted the lobster's power for himself,
so that he could turn into an immortal elf.
He swung the magic parasol (which was green)
and a gust of wind pushed them into a ravine.
The ravine was full of fiery doom,
and so they exploded with a boom.

This is a poem I finished writing today. Tomorrow, I have to recite it in front of my English class. I may run it through Gizoogle eventually, if I feel like it. "Jerk" and "Irked" rhyme a lot better spoken than written, but I still want to change it.

You're presenting that in front of a class? If I may ask, what class?

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: Elephant Parade on October 16, 2013, 09:18:25 pm

Quote from: acetech09 on October 16, 2013, 09:02:06 pm

Quote from: Elephant Parade on October 16, 2013, 08:19:20 pm

Spoiler: The Lobster (click to show/hide)

The Lobster
There once was a monstrous lobster.
It teamed up with an evil mobster.
With a stomp of his foot and a swipe of its claw,
they set out to conquer Ottawa.
Waiting in Ottawa was a fearsome foe:
it was a hip rapper, yo!
But the lobster's tough shell could withstand the rap,
and it knocked out the rapper with a tap.
Now, the citizens were getting tired of the lobster being a jerk;
they were truly irked.
So they crafted a gigantic book,
which the greedy lobster took.
However, the book was rigged to explode!
It just wasn't in the right mode.
The people realized their mistake,
and tried to stab the lobster with a rake.
But the lobster would have none of this,
and frightened off the people with a hiss.
The wizard noticed the deadly book,
and decided to set it off with a powerful right hook.
But the lobster was more skilled in combat,
and knocked the wizard into a wombat.
The wombat turned out to be a mighty cat-cow,
and it sent the wizard flying with an angry meow.
The mobster then pulled out his parasol,
atop which was a furious mole.
It turned out the mobster wanted the lobster's power for himself,
so that he could turn into an immortal elf.
He swung the magic parasol (which was green)
and a gust of wind pushed them into a ravine.
The ravine was full of fiery doom,
and so they exploded with a boom.

This is a poem I finished writing today. Tomorrow, I have to recite it in front of my English class. I may run it through Gizoogle eventually, if I feel like it. "Jerk" and "Irked" rhyme a lot better spoken than written, but I still want to change it.

You're presenting that in front of a class? If I may ask, what class?

English 10, to be exact.

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: freeformschooler on October 16, 2013, 09:34:49 pm

That was funny. For such a big poem, it feels you could have benefited from a different meter! Like, more than "one sentence rhymes with the next and then it changes."

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: Elephant Parade on October 16, 2013, 09:44:42 pm

Quote from: freeformschooler on October 16, 2013, 09:34:49 pm

That was funny. For such a big poem, it feels you could have benefited from a different meter! Like, more than "one sentence rhymes with the next and then it changes."

What do you mean? I was going A-A, B-B, C-C, et cetera. It doesn't quite rhyme on paper, but it does when spoken, which was the purpose of the poem.

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: lue on October 17, 2013, 12:15:13 am

freeformschooler is actually talking about the "rhythm" of the poem when mentioning meter. For example, the first couple of lines felt limerick-y to me, so that how I started reading the poem. I however started tripping on "it was a hip rapper, yo!" and had to give up on reading it like that. But aside from the meter issues, it's a good poem.

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: mastahcheese on October 17, 2013, 01:15:30 am

....

The heck did I just read?
And why does it make me smile so much?

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: Darkmere on October 17, 2013, 01:53:47 am

Yeah the meter being completely random throws the whole thing for me. You've gone to pains to make the line endings rhyme, which makes the poem sound artificial (which is fine, sometimes), but the meter is variable which makes it sound more like spoken word, which creates dissonance.

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: Shadowscynthe on November 02, 2013, 12:10:24 pm

Quote

It turned out the mobster wanted the lobster's power for himself,
so that he could turn into an immortal elf.

(Insert Pokemon battle music here.)

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: Urist McScoopbeard on November 02, 2013, 04:48:45 pm

that shit was dank yo!

that is all.

EDIT: this reminds of the 'The final showdown of ultimate destiny'

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: scrdest on November 02, 2013, 04:59:51 pm

'They set out to conquer Ottawa' line is painful, didn't you misplace it perchance? It feels out of place.

'Now, the citizens were getting tired of the lobster being a jerk;
they were truly irked.'

The two lines feel like a rhythmic stumble - the first line is veeeeery long (16 syllables? Quick and dirty count, might be off) and the next is just 5. Massive contrast with the other lines - if it was consistent, it would be alright, but it sticks out like a sore thumb.

The story is pretty amusing, but it's awkward as a poem.

Title: Re: The Lobster: A Poem
Post by: Elephant Parade on November 02, 2013, 05:06:59 pm

Quote from: scrdest on November 02, 2013, 04:59:51 pm

'They set out to conquer Ottawa' line is painful, didn't you misplace it perchance? It feels out of place.

'Now, the citizens were getting tired of the lobster being a jerk;
they were truly irked.'

The two lines feel like a rhythmic stumble - the first line is veeeeery long (16 syllables? Quick and dirty count, might be off) and the next is just 5. Massive contrast with the other lines - if it was consistent, it would be alright, but it sticks out like a sore thumb.

The story is pretty amusing, but it's awkward as a poem.

I'm keeping the Ottawa, but yeah, the irked thing is pretty much #1 on my list of things to revise once I get around to it.

Edit: Slightly better now. That was actually a typo; the original paper version had the line you see now.