Bay 12 Games Forum

Finally... => Life Advice => Topic started by: Akura on November 02, 2013, 12:20:01 pm

Title: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on November 02, 2013, 12:20:01 pm
I've mentioned this a few times in General Discussion, but... I'm in love. I have a serious crush on this girl at the college where I work. The main problem I'm having is contacting her. A while ago, I would often see her during my lunch break, but now, I never do. The last time I saw her was in passing, although then I saw her giving me a very big smile as she walked by. Admittedly, I know little enough about her, and she knows just as much about me.

The only way I seem to have contact with her is through some mutual friends. What I want to know is how I'm going to deal with this. I've considered writing a letter, but I don't know how well something like that would be received.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: weenog on November 02, 2013, 12:34:04 pm
It'd probably help if you understood and admitted that this isn't love.  At best, you're infatuated with her, and even that is suspect if you know so little about her.  It's likely more accurate to say, you're infatuated with a false idea of her, that you've created by filling in the blanks of the unknown with your imagination.

So the real question here is, do you want to grow this situation into a loving relationship, leave it as it is and not worry so much because it's nothing serious yet, or make a mountain out of a molehill and tear your hair out over it?
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Darkmere on November 02, 2013, 12:43:53 pm
You have mutual friends, ask them if she's seeing someone first. Then ask where she works and stop by if you can, to make small talk, ask if she wants to get dinner after her shift or something. Obsessing won't accomplish anything, try to get to know her and see if she's the person you imagine (she's not, but might be someone similar). Avoid using someone else as a go-between, though. And don't write letters or distance yourself for emotional safety, just go for it. Worst that can happen is you do nothing and continue to wonder.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: LordBucket on November 02, 2013, 01:06:13 pm
I'm in love
Quote
I know little enough about her

Not sure how to reconcile these two statements.

Quote
What I want to know is how I'm going to deal with this.

Talk to her.

Quote
I don't know how well something like that would be received.

Maybe not, but you can be reasonably certain that NOT talking to her will fail to result in you becoming involved with her. So...talk to her.

Quote
I saw her giving me a very big smile

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl, who grew up in a society where it was expected that she be feminine, and let guys approach her. There was a boy she liked, but she'd spent an entire lifetime being told not to talk to strangers, not to go out alone after dark, and to stand around and wait for boys to ask her to dances and that it was improper for her to be the one to approach boys.

But she liked this one particular boy. So, she smiled at him in an attempt to get his attention and clearly communicate that she definitely had noticed him, and that she'd be receptive to him approaching her.

Unfortunately, the boy was too concerned about how she might react if he approached her, so he sat around and stressed about it, asked a bunch of people online who all said to talk to her. But he never overcame his fear, so he grew up to be lonely, alone and miserable, all while watching from the shadows, running and hiding every time a girl smiled at him, complaining constantly about how girls like guys who treat them badly, and how well he'd treat them if only they'd give him the chance. She grew up also lonely and alone until one day one of those "bad guys" actually had the balls to talk to her. Relieved to FINALLY have somebody approach her, she became his girlfriend, promptly got pregnant, then was abandoned. Overcome with grief, she gave her child up for adoption and threw herself off a bridge where she landed on a bunch of jagged rocks, shattering her legs and slowly died an agonizing death over several days, all while wishing that one boy she'd smiled at had simply spoken up.

The end.

Or you could just, you know, say hello next time you see her.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Tiruin on November 02, 2013, 01:21:05 pm
...I think that story went to extremes o_O

But you got the point/s:
> Fear.
> Assumptions on the other gender.

I mean, it's not like 'different gender' = totally whole different mindset that's totally alien to you. What influenced you in the past helps build the personality you have now and such and stuff.

What you should do: Act.

I've mentioned this a few times in General Discussion, but... I'm in love. I have a serious crush on this girl at the college where I work. The main problem I'm having is contacting her. A while ago, I would often see her during my lunch break, but now, I never do. The last time I saw her was in passing, although then I saw her giving me a very big smile as she walked by. Admittedly, I know little enough about her, and she knows just as much about me.

The only way I seem to have contact with her is through some mutual friends. What I want to know is how I'm going to deal with this. I've considered writing a letter, but I don't know how well something like that would be received.
Talk to her. I cannot restate this enough, but perhaps restate it clearer.

Approach her. Directly. If you want, keep that friendship and first be sure on...those parts where you're unsure on. I'm unsure if you're in a friendship though given the context but I guess you are..and that when you say 'little enough' you mean something very broad and subjective and vice versa.

Deal with it, directly. Drop assumptions. What you assume, probably talk it over with someone who can rationalize it for you if you can't quite see it.

Oh the drama of love~  :P You can do this Akura.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Shadowgandor on November 02, 2013, 01:41:26 pm
If you have mutual friends, go hang out with a group. Most of the relationships I've started were by meeting girls in a group. You can get her number and get personal afterwards.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Vector on November 02, 2013, 01:41:27 pm
. . . That is a pretty dramatic story there, LordBucket.

I wouldn't write a hardcore love letter, I'd just ask your mutual friends to invite her to an event you're going to be going to.  Don't Talk the Talk there, just get to know her a little better, say you had a really good time talking to her if you did, maybe ask her if she'd like to go to a cafe sometime.  That's clear enough.  Priority One is getting to know each other better, not Locking in Her Route or whatever everyone seems to think they're doing nowadays.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: DJ on November 02, 2013, 01:52:01 pm
A letter is over the top. Anyway, getting in contact in this day and age should be trivial, just find her on Facebook and send her a friend request. If she accepts simply ask her if she'd like to have coffee with you sometimes.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Vector on November 02, 2013, 01:57:02 pm
Ah, the reason why I suggest the event is because then there's natural and non-offensive escape routes for everyone involved, which should relieve some of the pressure (whether things go well or poorly).  It's like. . . it's an easily-reversible decision, and I personally get embarrassed by friending people online and then having things not work out.

Uh, YMMV, though.  I realize not everyone is so self-conscious.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Max White on November 02, 2013, 07:23:49 pm
Yea I used to think non-threatening, easily reversible, totally emotionless and not exactly human was the way to go too.
And then I realized that not everybody, much unlike myself, was a socially awkward nerd who didn't have the emotional capacity to be open about their feelings. People sometimes fall for other people, and most people have the capacity to deal with that in a healthy way. Give the girl a little credit. Don't try this 'Oh well, look, we just happen to be going to the same event! How strange! Hoo hoo hoo!' bullshit, it isn't honest.

You tell her how you feel because you know what the worst that can happen is? She rejects you. She turns you down and you get to feel like absolute shit for a week or two, and that is great! That is exactly what you need to help you let go. If you don't get that dose of self loathing your mind just never ticks over and looks for somebody else to fall for. You will be stuck in a dead end non-relationship forever. On the other hand, if she gives you a chance things might work out great!

There is an order to these things, heck I could draw you a flow chart, but if you don't buck up and actually assume this girl has the intelligence and self respect to deal with your emotions in a productive way you never get past the first step.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Vector on November 02, 2013, 09:15:45 pm
You have a point.... I'll try to articulate my point of view a little better.

I don't mean "we happen to be going to the same event hoo hoo hoo," I just mean engineer an opportunity to introduce yourself which will be more of a natural social situation than two strangers in a coffee shop.  He doesn't know her, as he said.  You seriously have a point, but--you don't know someone, and you write them a feelings letter, or make some sort of declaration?  That doesn't make sense, though we often think it does.  I support his writing a feelings letter once, you know, they've spoken to each other, and he's got a better idea of what those feelings are.  I won't respect or take someone seriously who doesn't know me a whit and yet is talking about "how he feels about me."  That is an automatic no.

On the other hand: I realize that many people do not feel as I do--that they won't go on a date with someone they haven't already met.  Max White, you're probably right for the typical situation.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: kaijyuu on November 02, 2013, 10:24:58 pm
"Hey, I like you. Wanna go out?"


If she doesn't know you exist yet, you might want to preface it with a little bit of conversation, but other than that, just be forward (and accept rejection gracefully if applicable).
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: acetech09 on November 03, 2013, 06:25:08 pm
My suggestion: get to know her first, at least a somewhat. Rushing won't help much.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Zazmio on November 03, 2013, 07:41:04 pm
Asking girls out is so easy these days.
Assuming you are at least sort of acquainted, just non-chalantly ask for her cell phone number.  Just whip out your phone and go, "hey, what's your cell phone number?"  It's that easy.  Then immediately text something, doesn't really matter what.  Chat with her through texts.  You'll be surprise how quickly she'll start sending you naked selfies.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Max White on November 03, 2013, 11:13:24 pm
You'll be surprise how quickly she'll start sending you naked selfies.
#gentleman
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Tiruin on November 04, 2013, 01:43:00 am
...

Anyway. Try to note yourself in the situation which you plan to do. Imagine how would it be if you were instead the recipient of your action rather than the doer-reverse roles and all that and look at it from there, if that would help.

Any update on your part Akura?
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Osmosis Jones on November 04, 2013, 04:42:11 am
Maybe a little late here... but whatever you do, don't go all creeper on her. Don't try and meet her at work, don't write letters professing your undying love, and for god sake don't send her a creepy pm on FB asking her to go out. You have to understand that doing all of those things are very fast ways to make her uncomfortable.

Spoiler: Spoilering for length (click to show/hide)

Finally, if all this sounds hard... sorry bucko, thems the breaks. Romance isn't easy. Fun yes, exciting certainly, but never easy. You do have to be willing to put yourself out on a limb, and you do have to be prepared for rejection.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: DJ on November 04, 2013, 07:56:46 am
"Accidentally" meeting at a party seems a lot more creepy to me than the direct approach. I don't really see what's creepy about sending her a message on FB along the lines of "I've noticed you around, you're really cute. Wanna get coffee sometimes?". It only gets creepy if you keep pushing it in case of negative reply or no reply.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Osmosis Jones on November 04, 2013, 09:54:43 am
I'm not saying "accidentally" meet, I'm saying just regularly meet. Ideally, he gets his friend to introduce them, but at the very least, be in a situation where he has a legitimate reason to talk to her.

Ask a pretty girl sometime how many messages like that she gets. From the few friends that I have asked (yes, anecdotes are not data, but still), it's a lot, and they generally respond with a block. Sometimes they tell them to piss off first.
Either way, I don't think it sets a good tone for starting a relationship with a girl Akura says he loves. Asking a girl out for coffee over facebook pretty much purely says you only know her by physical appearance, and from that, there's only one assumed motive.

Meeting someone at a party/on a road trip/at the movies/whatever it is you do with your friends means there is some other reason than just physical attraction driving the interaction, and if Akura truly wants a real relationship with a girl, it's better to let things develop over a few days than starting things straight up with a coffee shop date, and all that entails.

EDIT: Basically, he should aim to make her his friend first, and then try and become her boyfriend if he still likes her once he knows her. The "friendzone" is a bullshit phrase used by people who don't understand how relationships work, and becoming someone's friend is not some terrible fate.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: DJ on November 04, 2013, 02:04:09 pm
Well he *doesn't* know her, so pretending that he approached her because of her personality is just dishonest.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: weenog on November 04, 2013, 02:15:50 pm
I wouldn't go so far as to say that.  He knows a little of her, which is not sufficient to start a relationship, but certainly enough to legitimately pique someone's interest.  Dick waving on facebook isn't brutal honesty, it's abject stupidity.

He could always -- once he's worked out a sane context in which to start a conversation -- point out the facets that interest him, and ask her about those.  It would help fill in the blanks in what little he knows of her personality, and demonstrate his interest at the same time.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Caz on November 04, 2013, 02:39:06 pm
Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl, who grew up in a society where it was expected that she be feminine, and let guys approach her. There was a boy she liked, but she'd spent an entire lifetime being told not to talk to strangers, not to go out alone after dark, and to stand around and wait for boys to ask her to dances and that it was improper for her to be the one to approach boys.

But she liked this one particular boy. So, she smiled at him in an attempt to get his attention and clearly communicate that she definitely had noticed him, and that she'd be receptive to him approaching her.

Unfortunately, the boy was too concerned about how she might react if he approached her, so he sat around and stressed about it, asked a bunch of people online who all said to talk to her. But he never overcame his fear, so he grew up to be lonely, alone and miserable, all while watching from the shadows, running and hiding every time a girl smiled at him, complaining constantly about how girls like guys who treat them badly, and how well he'd treat them if only they'd give him the chance. She grew up also lonely and alone until one day one of those "bad guys" actually had the balls to talk to her. Relieved to FINALLY have somebody approach her, she became his girlfriend, promptly got pregnant, then was abandoned. Overcome with grief, she gave her child up for adoption and threw herself off a bridge where she landed on a bunch of jagged rocks, shattering her legs and slowly died an agonizing death over several days, all while wishing that one boy she'd smiled at had simply spoken up.

The end.

Wow. You really do paint a picture.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Parsely on November 07, 2013, 10:43:16 pm
Go say hi you silly. Everyone's trying to turn this into a philosophical thing. :P
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on November 09, 2013, 01:54:29 pm
Talk to her.
Biggest problem isn't working up the willpower to talk to her. It's actually finding her, in situation where I can strike up a conversation with her. Hell, I'm not even seeing her just in passing anymore, though I've been assured she's still around.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that.  He knows a little of her, which is not sufficient to start a relationship, but certainly enough to legitimately pique someone's interest.  Dick waving on facebook isn't brutal honesty, it's abject stupidity.
I also hate Facebook and will never use it. I wouldn't call any relationship maintained through Facebook an actual relationship. Plus, I don't think she has a FB page.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: DarkArtemisFowl on November 09, 2013, 02:43:33 pm
Take your time then. Just wait and see if you can have an opportunity to say "hello".
And of course, be a gentleman and all that jazz. Manners count a lot in my opinion.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: QuakeIV on November 10, 2013, 02:23:53 am
Gentlemanlyness can make you look way better than you might think, especially in the heat of the moment.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: gman8181 on November 11, 2013, 07:11:33 pm
What everyone else said. Worse case scenario you get rejected and move on. LordBucket's post is a rather extreme example but it also helps get across something an of an important part.

That said, I know it can be hard. Even rationalizing things, you still feel nervous and worried because that's what your mind and the chemicals in your body are making you feel. It might help to try and change your perspective on things, so I'm going to try and put in my own little bit of advice / analogy.

Everything is sort of relative. What you find attractive and what another guy finds attractive can vary dramatically. Does that mean any one of you have an opinion of less worth? No. Maybe most people find certain features to be attractive and thus those types of features are deemed by the majority to be "attractive" but technically that's not any more true than saying just because a large amount of people like pizza, it's a superior food compared to peanuts.

So what if she doesn't want to go out? It's not a huge deal if you get turned down. It's okay because someone else out there will like peanuts you and that person is out there somewhere. If you don't ask you'll never get your pizza chance with her and if you do, you'll either get what you want or find that you need to move on and keep looking for better foods that mix well with you.

Well that analogy got a little out of hand but I hope the point got across.

Edit: Oh and how could I have forgotten the importance of personality and humor. Those things are like the yummy spices on top of food. Or maybe they're the food and the looks are the spices. Or maybe one's the food and the other's the drink going alongside it...

Er the point is that make sure you actually like her personality not just her other... "features". That stuff is really important otherwise your relationship is much more likely doomed to a short term sexual affair. Anyway humor and personality can really make a big difference. I've found often that people who may not have been drawn to me by my looks alone can often be tipped over by some funny jokes and shared interests.

Edit2: Whoops, how could I have missed this,
"Biggest problem isn't working up the willpower to talk to her. It's actually finding her, in situation where I can strike up a conversation with her. Hell, I'm not even seeing her just in passing anymore, though I've been assured she's still around."

Uh... Yeah I don't know. If that's the biggest problem just ask someone who she's friends with where you might find her.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on November 16, 2013, 11:41:27 am
Goddamn it, I'm pathetic. I actually had an oppurtunity to ask to have lunch with her, but I couldn't say anything. In my own admittedly weak defense, I was having a pretty crappy day week up to that point and wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, especially on the spot like that.

The good news is, I have been seeing her order lunch in the cafeteria lately, so it's not like that was the last chance or anything(I hope). The bad news is, I've also seen her leave before my lunch break, so either I'd have to ask her to wait a bit, or try to swing an early break.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Vector on November 16, 2013, 03:42:50 pm
Don't worry about it.  If you were in a bad mood, it was definitely the right thing not to try then.  You'll have other chances!
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on November 23, 2013, 11:57:54 am
Bad news, good news. Bad news, no encounters this week, and I really wanted to see her(see below).

Good news, I've been assured by a friend of hers that if I were to ask her, she would "almost certainly not say 'no'" and that I should definitely go for it, and the fox's grin they had when they said it might as well have been saying "she likes you too". At the least, it gave me the drive to get through a few difficult days at work.

On a somewhat seperate note, I found one or two desserty recipies I'd like to try. Would it seem wierd if I were to give her something I bake(assuming it turns out well)? It's not something big, something like homeade candy bars. I've bought her cookies before, though I had to give them to her through a third party, she apparently took them well.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: DarkArtemisFowl on November 23, 2013, 12:00:51 pm
Wow. That's awesome. Yes, you should ask her then when you get the chance. Also, baking is a nice gift. Just make sure you don't go overboard with gifts, maybe a cookie or two is fine.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Tiruin on November 24, 2013, 12:15:03 am
On a somewhat seperate note, I found one or two desserty recipies I'd like to try. Would it seem wierd if I were to give her something I bake(assuming it turns out well)? It's not something big, something like homeade candy bars. I've bought her cookies before, though I had to give them to her through a third party, she apparently took them well.
I'd wonder what world I'm in when things get weird if people offer you baked goods O_o

I mean, really. Cookies. Homemade cookies. If things have the quality of being homemade, it's a plus (well, in my book). And I doubt anyone can turn down pastries at all (unless diabetic) or candy bars (or lack a sweettooth..unlike me).

Give her cookies/anything like that directly. I see nothing wrong with that at all.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Vector on November 24, 2013, 12:19:42 am
Well, in full honesty, too many gifts makes it feel like someone is trying to buy you.

Desserts could be nice, though!  Just don't give her a whole batch or something >_<
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: gman8181 on November 24, 2013, 12:47:58 am
Bring her expensive gifts and sweep her off her feet.

Nah, you don't need to bribe her affection. Just talk to her and be yourself and most of all have fun! Bond over shared activities and make her laugh or be gentlemanly and maker her smile. Let her fall for you and then when things get more serious, you can pull out the romantic stuff like cooking. Of course if you like cooking and that genuinely is a part of your personality that you want to share, go ahead and do so. Super great if you like cooking and she finds it really sweet that you made something for her.

Really though, have fun!

Haha, I almost feel hypocritical giving this advice. Never really did feel that connected to anyone. That said, the ladies do tend to respond positively to that stuff. I guess people in general do. A lot of that advice is applicable for making friends not just girl friends. Take out the romantic stuff but yeah.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: LordBucket on November 24, 2013, 03:07:17 am
I actually had an oppurtunity to ask to have lunch with her, but I couldn't say anything.

Contact with a girl does not need to be august and notable. "Hey, could be pass me a spork? Thanks." is a perfectly valid way to talk to a girl in a cafeteria. In fact she is far more likely to agree to hand you a spork than to go out on a big scary date. But by asking her for a spork, or the time, or directions...or any trivial little thing...you make contact which results in you being more familiar to her, and her being less intimidating for you.

Talk to her. What you say doesn't matter as much as the fact that the two of you are talking.

If you build up some big epic fortress in your mind out of I Will Ask The Girl On a DATE(TM), you're setting yourself up for difficulty. You'll be nervous, and it will show. She'll be wondering why you're nervous. Possibly even suspicious. (Why is this guy so nervous? Something must be wrong, and I don't know what it is, so I'd better say no. That's the safest option.) And if she says no after you'd built up such an Epic This Will Be a DATE(tm) in your head, it will be that much more difficult to do it again.

Talk about something not so weighty. Talk to her. Ask Her Out On A DATE(tm) can happen later.

Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on November 29, 2013, 12:49:05 pm
Clarification on the giving her something I baked: I only intended give her some of something I've given to a bunch of other people. It was just something I wanted to try an make, and I figured she might enjoy some.

Unfortunately, I haven't seen her yet. However, her friend mentioned that she's been really happy about something lately. Considering what I was told last week, I can put two and two together here. Of course, even if 2+2=11 - it does, if you think about it - I am happy that she's happy. About something.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: LoSboccacc on November 29, 2013, 01:04:46 pm
well pretty lonely girls are a man magnet and she wasn't really going to lose anything to go out for a date or two.

big miss here is that if she's looking, just asking for a date is enough - and if she's not, it was hopeless to begin with but there is nothing impolite in asking and be rejected.

better than regrets.

but then again maybe you're just shy and asked the wrong question to begin with.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: AlleeCat on December 01, 2013, 11:24:46 am
Alright homie, I'm gonna lay something on you, it's some heavy stuff, make sure you're sitting down.
Girls are people.
II know, right? Shocking! But it's true; girls are people. The best way to get a girl's respect and admiration is to treat her like a person. Not like a girl. Not like a being from another dimension. Like a person.
If you end up dating this girl, you need to make sure you treat her like a person with her own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs. Make sure you communicate with her. If you don't understand something she said, it's not because girls speak another language. Ask her to clarify, and make sure she knows she can do the same with you.
Don't let her lead the relationship, but don't take charge of it yourself. Relationships take teamwork, and I've been in enough where teamwork wasn't happening to know that it's absolutely necessary. Essentially, treat her like a really good friend you just happen to kiss and do dirty stuff with.
Oh, also, cook for her. Seriously, girls love that shit. :3
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: DarkArtemisFowl on December 01, 2013, 11:29:08 am
^This, essentially. You've got to balance out the relationship to where neither of you are doing more work on your parts to sustain each other's lives. And of course, ignoring all the media bogus helps, definitely. Talking with each other also helps too, a lot actually, since, well, that's what you're there for!

And cooking/baking is very good. Both because it's delicious for you and a wonderful turn of events for her. No loss for anyone here!
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on December 07, 2013, 11:48:15 am
Major news! Lemme describe my week.

Monday, saw her, but didn't get a chance to talk to her, since she was leaving when I noticed her and I didn't actually expect to see her.

Tuesday, saw her, gave her those caramel bars(she loved them!), and asked if she wanted to have lunch. She says she wants to think about it first.

Wednesday, she walks up to me and says before she'll have lunch(and, obviously, do anything else) she wants me to meet her parents. Unfortunately, I just happened to be swamped with work that day, and could only say that was fine before (awkwardly) running back to what I was doing it.

Thursday, I apologize for running off, and we exchange phone numbers. I have to admit, she looked fairly nervous when she gave her number to me. I call her that night, and arrange to meet her mother the next day after I get off work. It just so happened that they had something to do at the college at that time. The nervousness from earlier in the, however, seemed to be gone.

Friday, before my shift is over, they stop in to get a sandwich. Her mother is nice. And while she may have been nervous the day before, she was smiles and giggles when she came by. After my shift, we sit in the cafeteria. I expected her mother to run me over the coals(and I'd be fine with that), but instead, she sits on the other side of the cafeteria to give us time alone. We spent a nice time talking and eating our sandwiches(the one she bought, and one I brought from home). She and I have more in common than I thought. Even better, she actually lives a lot closer to me than I thought, as well.

There was an awkward stretch of silence, since she's not very talkative herself, and I couldn't think of anything else to talk about that might not have been too prying. Her mother noticed this and came over to help break the ice a bit. I... was a bit uncomfortable when her mother asked me about what I've been doing since I graduated, since I'm not really willing to talk about the hell my family has put me through in that time just yet. But other than that, I think we both had a pretty good time.


Girls are people.
I know that. I don't intend to treat her like anything less.

Oh, also, cook for her. Seriously, girls love that shit. :3
I already promised her more of those caramel bars. She really did like them.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: LoSboccacc on December 07, 2013, 12:31:03 pm
She wanted you to meet her mother, for a date?


Run, mate.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: AlleeCat on December 07, 2013, 12:36:29 pm
She wanted you to meet her mother, for the first date?
Yeah, while I think that's a little odd, I can't blame her for being cautious.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on December 07, 2013, 12:41:41 pm
I think it's more her mother tried to turn it into a date. I didn't intend it to turn it into that, and I'm not sure if she did. I thought it was more of her parents seeing if I'm good enough for her. Apparently, I was wrong.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: LoSboccacc on December 07, 2013, 03:29:59 pm
She wanted you to meet her mother, for the first date?
Yeah, while I think that's a little odd, I can't blame her for being cautious.

Before the first date if I got it correctly

While I agree being in ladies being cautious, being cautios is suggesting a populated bar for a cafe, not with the parents.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Tiruin on December 08, 2013, 04:37:26 pm
Eh? I don't see how meeting another's parents is a weird thing..I mean, here, its just a normal thing--you get to know the other person more, and anything else is secondary. Maybe she was just interested and that there was a coincidental time to meet her mother and stuff like that.

Anyway, that's real good to hear Akura. Glad to see it turn out well. :)
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: KingBacon on December 08, 2013, 08:36:54 pm
Ask your mutual friend if this girl is part of any weird Christian sects.... met a Math Phd who was Wisconsin Synod (she was totally bonkers and not in a nerdy type of way.)
Just a red flag, but it could be nothing.

If not, then it was just one of those little awkward things.

(Note in regards to Tiruin's post: Some nondenominational sects (and the sect I mentioned in particular) require doctrinal conformity and can be quite radical. This girl I met in particular was homeschooled and her parents quit their jobs and moved 200 miles when their old church closed just to be part of the same Lutheran sect. That and some splinter groups from the ELCA are also quite particular... Generally, by weird, I mean the group is openly bigoted towards homosexuals or vehemently denies evolution / has an uncompromisingly rigid doctrine. Some Christian sects are quite stringent on what constitutes their "in" group and "out" groups, if you become involved with someone who has such group definitions, they might want you to join said "in" group because their doctrine requires it, which may or may not be alright depending on one's own belief system. Sorry for the off topic tirade.)
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Tiruin on December 09, 2013, 01:34:43 am
...Weird Christian sects meaning..? What is about those sects that lead to what you're trying to say?
I really think you need to expound that whole statement there and give its context, as it doesn't seem rational without it for anything to be based upon.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Vector on December 09, 2013, 11:30:46 pm
There's sects of Christianity that require marriage within the church, and often have very stringent rules about young people never being alone together before being married.

For example, my step-grandmother thinks I'm a whore because I've dated more than one man, and pretty much told me I had better date a nice German boy so that we can all get together and sing church songs.


Anyway, how old is she, OP?  Can you figure out from one of your friends how much dating experience she has?  This can be pretty normal if she's over 18 but not a full-fledged adult, and never dated before.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: Akura on December 14, 2013, 11:08:48 am
Ask your mutual friend if this girl is part of any weird Christian sects....
I'm just going to say "no" on that one.

Anyway, how old is she, OP?  Can you figure out from one of your friends how much dating experience she has?  This can be pretty normal if she's over 18 but not a full-fledged adult, and never dated before.
In the area of 21, I'm told. And as for dating experience, I would hazard a guess at none.


The thing is, and I'm pretty hesitant about saying this, is that she has a mental disability. I'm not sure what exactly, since I don't think it's a good idea to ask just yet. I only learned about it from something her mother said. She's fully competent and intelligent, mind you, but it's probably something that's affected her social development. I've been through something like that myself - I have Tourette's Syndrome, though I've mostly kept the major symptoms of it in check for years now.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: AlleeCat on December 15, 2013, 01:59:04 am
The thing is, and I'm pretty hesitant about saying this, is that she has a mental disability. I'm not sure what exactly, since I don't think it's a good idea to ask just yet. I only learned about it from something her mother said. She's fully competent and intelligent, mind you, but it's probably something that's affected her social development. I've been through something like that myself - I have Tourette's Syndrome, though I've mostly kept the major symptoms of it in check for years now.
Well if you didn't really notice anything and it affected her social development, she could have Asperger's. Could also be depression or some kind of Schizoaffective disorder. In any case, I wouldn't ask about it until much later unless she starts talking about it herself or ends up dropping serious red flags.
Title: Re: Help with a girl
Post by: scriver on December 15, 2013, 08:50:31 am
For example, my step-grandmother thinks I'm a whore because I've dated more than one man, and pretty much told me I had better date a nice German boy so that we can all get together and sing church songs.

...
...
...She doesn't really know many Germans does she ;D