Is she ashamed of the act of cutting herself on its own as well, indifferent towards it, or somewhat proud of it, wearing it as a badge?She's a bit ashamed. She usually tries to hide it, but mostly so she doesn't have to talk to people about it.
Also obligatory people on the internet aren't the best source for help, with a (potentially) serious problem such as this, I can but suggest getting real help.Yep. Asking on the internet, however, is free and doesn't cause her any stress. "Real" help - assuming you mean professional - is something I keep in mind. I've been to a psychologist for depression, so I have some experience and bias on the matter.
You probably aren't going to get any advice off google because that's really personal. Everyone who does it has different motives.Yeah, that's why I didn't spend too much time on it. Worth a look, just in case her case was common.
any tips?
its all self-hatred
She's a bit ashamed.
@Jelle: As far as I can currently know, its all self-hatred. Ignore the part about liking it; I understand how she feels there, and it's not relevant here.And it is the most basic step usually done. Find the reason on why she does so, and what makes her think she 'deserves' what is being done to her.
As for why she hates herself and thinks she deserves it - well, figuring that out is part of the solution.
Usually "I deserve it" with self-harm means systematic abuse elsewhere.Hm, I'm not sure what you mean by this?
Also, no, stopping is very much not a step to feeling better. Stopping is a symptom of feeling better.Yeah, I'm pretty sure I expressed the wrong idea in this thread. I think I have a better concept of the situation in my head.
I've been wanting to cut myself too, from compound of various things and talking/thinking about it with her. But I generally trust myself to control these feelings; it's not the first time I've wanted to, but I never have.
See, the problem with treating every step as a success:
If you can't do these things right, there's a problem with you. It's unusual to not take them for granted.
And focusing on such small things seems like it would make it hard to focus on bigger things.
The intermix of the two makes me believe you wish to discuss and dismiss.Good catch.
And it's not easy to change.I will be metaphorically vague and say that nothing is easy to change if you keep on thinking that it ain't. What I'm actually saying is to think positively instead of the 'not' side of it, because in most cases, that compels you to aim for different routes on 'how do I approach this' instead of staying put when you're fumbling.
It's my responsibility to do something to help.
Did you find out why she feels this way about herself, btw?I'm not sure what you mean. There's this:
She says she feels she deserves it because of "a lot of angst and a want of self-destruction"
Well, that's something I thought about.It's my responsibility to do something to help.No it isn't. Trying to help people who don't want help is a sure path to misery. Offer, if you wish. But I recommend detaching yourself from the outcome. Her life is her own.
Live yours.
@Lectorog:
You do realize, don't you, that by perceiving her as broken and in need of fixing you're confirming her fear that what she is isn't good enough? If you really perceived her as ok you wouldn't feel the need to change her. Why do you want to change her?
Did you find out why she feels this way about herself, btw?I'm not sure what you mean. There's this:QuoteShe says she feels she deserves it because of "a lot of angst and a want of self-destruction"
You do realize, don't you, that by perceiving her as broken and in need of fixing you're confirming her fear that what she is isn't good enough? If you really perceived her as ok you wouldn't feel the need to change her. Why do you want to change her?
Yea, but why?I don't know why she hates herself. It's not the kind of thing that tends to have logical justification anyway.
There are a lot more worse things to be in the world than a self harmer.The problem is her personal thoughts and attitudes behind/leading to the self harm.
I've yet to be convinced that she wants to feel awful in this way for the rest of her life.From what I believe, nobody wishes primarily to harm themselves or feel awful because of the sake of being such. There are mostly other factors causing her to do it, I guess. Explaining the thing on education and how it works, including the note of graduating from such would give clarity--by which, I mean to her given what you say there. I guess its vincible ignorance on that part (ie Not fully understanding that note on education systems) on the graduating, however I feel like I misunderstood something back there.
I'm not seeing her long-term negative feelings as part of her, but as a condition afflicting her. Is this where I'm going wrong?What I see is subjectivity. It may be a part of her...sure, but those feelings I believe are attached to something that affects her or which she believes identifies herself as. Like labels and how we use them to identify things, though used in a negative way.
Nobody deserves that.Did you find out why she feels this way about herself, btw?I'm not sure what you mean. There's this:QuoteShe says she feels she deserves it because of "a lot of angst and a want of self-destruction"
...That sounds like a bad conclusion given you noticed one darn thing.
So, as shallow as it sounds, problem solved on my end. There's nothing I can do, so no reason to worry about her anymore.
She said "I think we differ in a lot of ways that sometimes make me uncomfortable or feel bad. it's not really that i dislike you at all, I just often can't handle talking with you!" and goes on to blame herself rather than me or general incompatibility.
this is probably more due to my decaying mental state than any flaws you have