Bay 12 Games Forum
Finally... => Life Advice => Topic started by: Kot on December 20, 2015, 03:59:33 pm
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Hi there. I've been dealing with real life recently and I honestly ran out of ideas who to ask so I'm just going to throw it in here. Also going to start quite unoriginal.
There is this girl. We have been talking for long damn time, understood each other pretty well (or so I thought - I'll explain later on), doing stuff and whatnot. I've figured out that I'm in love with her and things started to move on a bit, at least that's what I thought (again, later). I was actually ready to finally tell her that we might want to hang out more and whatnot. I even planned to go out with her next weekend, but... well, it didin't work out for reasons provided beneath*. To describe her in short - responsible, school president, always busy but she also liked to have fun from time to time and whatnot. Also, quite above-average looks, but that's not exactly relevant. She had a phase few years before when she got drunk (to the point of vomiting and making not-exactly-ambiguous propositons) a lot and stuff, but came out from it... at least that's what I thought (yeah, again).
Then she went to one of her friends birthday party and that is where the hell broke loose. At the time I was somewhere else but we were writing to each other the whole party until the end and she was supposed to text when she gets at home. It took her longer than expected because she meet a guy, the said friends brother and they spent some time together and then he drove her home. Enough to say, I was kinda baffled when she said it to me (at 2AM, eh) but didin't want to jump into conclusions. But apparently, the worst expectations came true - they both literally jumped on each other. They instantly started to spend whole days together (by whole days I mean literally, the only time she isin't with him it's at school (yeah, we're still there and you may consider it some retarded kids problem but, well), and even then she sits on the phone all the time, something that unbeliveable before). I was really confused on what to feel, at first I thought it might have been "humanitarian rejection" since she didin't have any feelings for me and I was supposed to be friendzoned, but the more the time progressed the more complicated the whole stuff got. She broke contact with most of her friends, and some of them are irritated with it, since she has "changed" The worst case is proably the sister (the one who held the birthday party) of her new boyfriend - she is actually horrendously angry at the whole situation. She also ceased to talk to me, not in the offended way (at least at first) but she just stopped caring if I didin't spoke first. In the time period of a mere month, progressed from nearly complete strangers to the point she spends night at his home when there's nobody else around which is quite often. She also apparently started drinking a lot again, hanging out with people who aren't exactly concerned about much except another party, drugs and changing their boy/girlfriends each week.
I tried to talk with her and I did, three times. She doesn't know what's the whole fuss about and is angry that people even dare to say that it went too fast and that they're happy together and have some quite serious plans (FUCKING MONTH). I finally told her that I also have feelings to her and I'm... a bit concerned and well, I learned that she didin't even liked me, she talked to me out of simple politeness and I was honestly quite annoying. Also, for some goddamn reason she told me that they didin't only "progressed" in the emotional sense - but also physical one, if you get what I mean (EDIT: She was also apparently drunk at the time, which may explain the "confession"). I also tried to talk with her best friend but she also told her that it's not exactly normal but she also lost hold of her. Of course people also noticed what is going on (no damn suprise, we were close...ish before and then it was easy to connect the fact I'm not exactly happy and that she got a boyfriend) and told me that they don't exactly understand what happened because she apparently was saying she likes me, maybe even more than simple friend, but in the end they don't want to interfere. I know that I'm not exactly without fault in this thing, because well, she got into a relationship and I told her what I feel and generally speaking, I'm meddling with her life but...
You can imagine I'm not only fucking enraged (I had to get stitches on my hand after I saw them together since apparently the lamp post was responsible for all this), confused, humiliated, sad and hurt... but foremost I'm scared. I'm scared about what is going on with her. Her grades dropped, she stopped really caring about anything except him, not to mention that at the best time of all, her family is going through... tough times. I have literally no idea what to do - she doesn't want to speak with me, but I can see something wrong is going on. I'm don't even have delusions that we might get back together, but... well, holy shit.
TL;DR
It's complicated.
* Later on I learned she went to the same place I wanted to go with her with him. Fucking A.
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I'd honestly just say fuck it and move on. She doesn't want to listen to reason and cease the self destructive behavior? She wants to push her support group away? Then can deal with the fallout on her own. Is her choice and not worth the anxiety and stress it is likely causing you.
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When the time comes that you're asking advice on public forums about a girl, you know it's time to just let it go and move on.
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it isnt complicated, it's actually quite simple
she didin't even liked me, she talked to me out of simple politeness and I was honestly quite annoying.
it's her own business and you're wasting your time
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I'd honestly just say fuck it and move on. She doesn't want to listen to reason and cease the self destructive behavior? She wants to push her support group away? Then can deal with the fallout on her own. Is her choice and not worth the anxiety and stress it is likely causing you.
Possibly.
I'm not going to watch blindly as she falls. I'm a fucking idiot, but yeah, no, that's not going to happen.
When the time comes that you're asking advice on public forums about a girl, you know it's time to just let it go and move on.
Yeah, that's stupid. Honestly speaking, if it took me fifteen more minutes I wouldn't post it but eh, it's done anyway.
it isnt complicated, it's actually quite simple
she didin't even liked me, she talked to me out of simple politeness and I was honestly quite annoying.
it's her own business and you're wasting your time
Da. But contrary to popular belief, sometimes people actually care about someone else.
EDIT:
Also, don't get me wrong - I can deal with rejection and such, the problem is the fact she's going down.
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It's out of your hands.
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Yeah, I also kind of realize that, unless there is something I'm missing.
Which might be my problem, after all. I don't like having things out of my hands.
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It's a given people can change overnight.
Like my mother when she was presented with a not-insignificant wad of cash at one point in her life, and has come to alienate us back then for holding most of it due to some trouble...
I'm not sure why she thinks she has a connection with that guy, but from the looks of things, they only seem to have just met and started... playing around with each other. This developed a rather peculiar set of emotions from her which she interpreted as love, perhaps.
Either way, it is her choice, and there's little you can do about the situation, honest, since you have been a romantic interest candidate, and whatever you'd do to try to pry her of from her awkward influencer, it may be interpreted as simple jealousy and not as a concern from a friend.
Perhaps, she really didn't think of everyone as her friend and only built up appearances, and out of some weird emotional connection she developed with the male while drunk, thinks they both understand each other? It's honestly hard to tell unless you're that person with access to your full memories.
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It's a given people can change overnight. Like my mother when she was presented with a not-insignificant wad of cash at one point in her life, and has come to alienate us back then for holding most of it due to some trouble...
Yeah, I get that. I myself have changed quite significantly due to her, which might be why I have trouble letting it go, but that was still pretty suprising.
I'm not sure why she thinks she has a connection with that guy, but from the looks of things, they only seem to have just met and started... playing around with each other. This developed a rather peculiar set of emotions from her which she interpreted as love, perhaps.
The whole thing seems to be pretty weird for everyone. I'm biased but people don't hold the guy (they might be wrong, after all) in high regard when it comes to intelect, and she was one of brightest minds (again, biased, but y'know...) around. Some say she was actually too perfect and was hiding that "dark secret" of hers, but I'm not really sure.
Either way, it is her choice, and there's little you can do about the situation, honest, since you have been a romantic interest candidate, and whatever you'd do to try to pry her of from her awkward influencer, it may be interpreted as simple jealousy and not as a concern from a friend.
Honestly, I'm afraid that it might be both. Fuck, I might be concerned about her because I have feelings towards her, since a lot of people (possibly right) just went with it.
Either way, giving up was more or less what I wanted to do, but hey, desperate times require desperate measures and maybe someone out there, due to sheer experience with temper tantrums, might have some brilliant idea what to do. Yeah, hope dies last. In the end, I might just try to convice her to talk for last time and tell her that people are actually concerned and at if at any point she changes her mind, she has people to return to, no matter what. She may take it wrong, but fuck it, if something actually happens I will proably feel slightly better if I tell her that. And then... well, it will be pretty lone christmas but I'll stop trying.
Perhaps, she really didn't think of everyone as her friend and only built up appearances, and out of some weird emotional connection she developed with the male while drunk, thinks they both understand each other? It's honestly hard to tell unless you're that person with access to your full memories.
At first she said she isin't really sure what was that about really. Psychology is fucking hard, even harder when alcohol and whatever come to play. I'm at least hopeful she doesn't do drugs as she hates that and turned down people simply because of that before, but, on the other hand, she doesn't mind the new people that aren't really strangers to that.
Also, I asked her to talk. She said she doesn't really know when but didin't reject the offer. That might be just a smokescreen and she doesn't actually plan to talk but I'll still try. At least she didin't furiously said no outright. Also, from what I'm making out of the conversation, she doesn't remember a lot of stuff that happened before, which actually makes me even more concerned.
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You should probably at least tell her why people don't seem to hold her BF in high regard, and if you're cool with it, tell her that you have nothing against the BF except maybe she seems to be going for the worse by taking drugs and dropping grades or something.
And then tell her again if you're cool with it, that she and the BF have your blessings to be together if they can get their shit straight.
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My guess would be that she's become an addict and is pushing away everyone who isn't an enabler, which includes you. How much do you know about alcoholism and addiction? Do you know anyone who has beaten them?
I wouldn't assume that she's still against using drugs.
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You should probably at least tell her why people don't seem to hold her BF in high regard, and if you're cool with it, tell her that you have nothing against the BF except maybe she seems to be going for the worse by taking drugs and dropping grades or something.
I don't exactly know the guy personally, I've seen him few times and spoke few words but he's generally the kind of guy who people tell stories about - like how he lost his drivers licence few months after getting it for drunk driving.
And then tell her again if you're cool with it, that she and the BF have your blessings to be together if they can get their shit straight.
I will. I actually got an idea when and how to speak with her now. I'll see tomorrow if she accepts.
My guess would be that she's become an addict and is pushing away everyone who isn't an enabler, which includes you. How much do you know about alcoholism and addiction? Do you know anyone who has beaten them?
I wouldn't assume that she's still against using drugs.
I'm afraid of that too, except that is... kind of outlandish. I've never heard of any drug addicts around (on the other hand, I don't hang with people like that, for most of people I know never tried or it was "recreational"). I have no information on wether the guy in question does drugs, because, well, I'm not going around and asking people, but it wouldn't seem weird if he did them from time to time with friends. On the other hand, a lot of people had or have trouble with alcohol, so that's my closer guess. Though if I see that's a thing for sure I'm going to proably report it somewhere. Possibly would be deemed a dick move on my part and she would hate me for it, but fuck that.
As for the beating it - well, I dunno, I though she might have but that's not really case now. My uncle once had problems with alcohol after his wife divorced him, he lost all (three, including one that was only months old) of his kids and one of them (the youngest one) died later on in shady way but he got out of that. Still doesn't look pretty but yeah. Proably a bunch other people I can't think of right now. As for the drugs - yep, nobody I know of.
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His sister might know whether it's just alcohol or whether he does drugs too.
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There is this girl.
The moment I read this I thought 'well you're screwed'
Re: drugs: Ask around, try and find out if this boyfriend of hers does drugs or the like. If he does, call the cops and try and get your friend into rehab.
That, or forget it.
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His sister might know whether it's just alcohol or whether he does drugs too.
I know, even if that might not be a thing since they're not really close. I'm not exactly inclined to ask though since she got really irritated (as in, furious) at them both, mostly because they both insisted on not letting her know but she found out nearly instantly anyway, but in the end she had a talk with her and decided that she doesn't give a single shit about them and generally speaking she is both ignoring her and him. It would be easier and faster to ask some of my friends since some of them actually know him more, but presumably it's "recreational" in his case too, which actually still cast a shadow on the whole thing since she literally despites (despited?) people doing them in this kind of way too.
There is this girl.
The moment I read this I thought 'well you're screwed'
Morbidly funny.
Re: drugs: Ask around, try and find out if this boyfriend of hers does drugs or the like. If he does, call the cops and try and get your friend into rehab.
That, or forget it.
I'll do that if talking with her fails. I still hope this is all just coincidence or something, and they're just really happy and love each other so hard that outside it looks like drugs - yeah, no, damn. But still...
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There is this girl.
The moment I read this I thought 'well you're screwed'
Morbidly funny.
Yeah, I've been rejected three four times, each one more painful than the last. The above quote is now my official policy for giving people with girl issues advice.
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As someone once sang - my shit's fucked up.
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I have to agree with the people who say to move on. You can't change people who don't want to change.
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I have to agree with the people who say to move on. You can't change people who don't want to change.
Except in the military
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Well, the cesspool spilled.
It didin't went as I wanted but on the other hand it went just as I expected. Well, at least it solved itself before new year.
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It didin't went as I wanted
as should be the case when you're minding other people's businesses :)
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Actually, there's more to that.
By not going what I wanted I basically meant that at the time she refused to speak with me, but we did, kind of, and it was a fucking argument and we dragged out each other shit and stuff... but we actually spoke more calmly later on and... well, it went pretty well for this situation, I guess. There was a bit of not-exactly calm words too, but in the end we walked away not being mortal enemies and I guess she understands my motives and so do I hers, to some extent. She's safe, pretty much, he knows to watch his shit, and so on, but in the end I'm supposed to not talk to her about this first and we aren't going to be more than "tolerant" of each other It's not what I would really want, but I guess it's the best thing that could possibly happen.
Thanks for support and being a dick, though.
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..I'm not one to give advice. Honestly, I'm usually not. But I had to speak up on this. You're obviously not going to give this up. You've dug too deep, and I don't think anyone can really tell you too. I'm going to tell you this however. This will not end well. No matter what happens, your not going to have your fairytale. The best thing you could do is save her. But your chance with her? Very little to none. I know you don't want to believe it.. and I know your going to to keep worrying and trying, but that's it. I'll support your decision, no matter what it is, at the end because I've been in your situation before.
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So... Not-quite-friendzone?
[/size]Thanks for support and being a dick, though.[/size]
Was I the former or the latter? Probably the latter.
OK, I am formally declaring size tags stupid. I didn't even copypaste anything, just quote. I am pulling my hair out over these things
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So... Not-quite-friendzone?
At this point? I spoke more about it on the sad thread, so the whole thing progressed a bit to... proably pure cold hatred, for some reason, even if I have no idea anymore. I'm going to wait a bit, see if any new stuff pops up.
As for now - she apparently totally broke up contact with basically anyone who knew her before (because, everyone, more or less, suggested her that her relationship is, well, "too fast and too much") and also haven't shown up yesterday or today in school, and she was too busy spending yet more time with him, not to mention that she actually considered changing the school to be closer to him and because she had a talk with teacher before holidays (which, not-really-suprisingly, she also spent with him, which infuriated the boyfriends sister again) about that there are some limits to, well, "being together" and that you proably shouldn't kiss passionately on the school corridor nearly every day. Oh, and that she should proably get her shit together when it comes to the emergency diving grades.
Also, by being a dick I meant this
:)
,but eh, I don't really give a damn anymore.
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This sounds like high school all over again. You can't really expect anything from anyone, even if they've explicitly promised this or that - it's an extremely human trait to act without thought towards those that are close to you. However, I also think you've opened yourself up to this situation by subverting your own happiness to her attention. Er, I just mean you found yourself encroaching upon no-mans-land because no one was shooting at you, then suddenly *KACHINK* you stepped on a mine. Or, you set sails thinking the storm had blown through, only to discover the other side of the Eye. Or, you started climbing a mountain thinking your friend would surely join you at the first plateau, only to discover *GASP* she had gone scuba diving instead. Or . . . get the point?
Learn this lesson: show and say your interest early, and if it's not to be drop it (like it's hot?).
Be thankful she 'betrayed' (lol) you before you guys were comitted.