Bay 12 Games Forum
Finally... => Life Advice => Topic started by: Stuebi on June 07, 2018, 09:02:22 am
-
So this is something I'd like to get some other opinions on, since my friendcircle is unified in calling me either damaged, or unhealthy.
I've not been in a relationship for roundabout 5 years, give or take half a year. And I've blown off one or two cases when a girl was interested, due to me hating the idea of being an "Item" with somebody.
I had 3 relationships so far in my life, none of which lasted longer than half a year. All 3 of them ended badly. One ended after I got cheated on, the other two were basically me dumping the gf in question after getting annoyed and/or having multiple fights.
The problem is, from my experience so far, relationships are work. Tons and tons of work. They mean dumping whatever you enjoy out of the window 50% of the time for another person. Add to that the fact I'm not very good at opening up, and much better at bottling, and I usually just tend to get annoyed the "closer" I grow with my partner, and the more time we spend with each other.
The ideal weekend for me is spent playing games, maybe going for a swim, but mostly just being lazy after a week of work. While my past "flames" wanted to go out, or wanted us to meet people, or just "get out of the house". Usually I could weasel my way out of that one way or the other, but all 3 of them were appearantly waiting for the next step, waiting for me to stop "liking the Computer more than them".
Is this just an issue with two incompatible people getting together? Or are relationships always like this? Because I can honestly not tell. Even the people I know that are in relationships often have this problem. If any of you have different or similiar experiences, I'd really like to know wether something is wrong with me.
-
You and me are in the same place.
I haven't dated anyone in....probably about 10 years.
I've turned down a couple of leads in that time.
I've been called or at least it's been implied I'm damaged, by my nosy opinionated therapist aunt. Most of my friends are married with kids now. My immediate family is all married. I'm the only bachelor.
Is this just an issue with two incompatible people getting together? Or are relationships always like this? Because I can honestly not tell. Even the people I know that are in relationships often have this problem. If any of you have different or similiar experiences, I'd really like to know wether something is wrong with me.
Unless you two are identical in your interests....relationships are just like that. They're about compromise. You will do stuff you don't want to do for the sake of the person you're with, whether that's going out in public just to be out in public, visiting parents and in-laws or friends of theirs. That's just normal relationships.
And you clearly haven't found anyone that you want to sacrifice for. Is that ok? It's up to you. My take on it is......I have no fear of being alone anymore. I would rather be single and happy then not-single and miserable. I don't want to have a relationship just so I can be in one. I don't want to be with someone just to not be alone.
So I'm waiting. I'm waiting for that person I want to spend time with, legitimately, who I want to put before myself. I'm not going to the bars booty hunting, running through different women until I find one that's a match. It may mean I'm alone forever but if so.....? I will be alone doing what I enjoy instead of running around not enjoying myself in pursuit of some societal expectation.
One day I may be so sick of being alone that I will go out and find someone. I'm attractive enough, I have social skills, I've had women seek me out and I've shut them down. I have no worries about my ability to find someone.
So yes, relationships are work. The trick is to find a relationship that doesn't feel like work. And I think this is the trap many, many people fall in to. They don't want to be single so they attach to the first person that likes them before they consider what that person is about. Once the honeymoon phase is over, that's when the demands start. That's when the jealousy starts. That's when the resentment starts. That's when people start slipping in to their relationship roles.
For example, a friend of mine just got divorced by his wife of 5 years. They'd dated off and on since college (where she dumped him before.) While he was married to this chick, she basically ran his life. She controlled what he ate, what he spent his time doing, who he spent his time with. She used him as a handy man for her family so his time was always called for doing shit for someone else. She only could hold a job for a couple weeks at a time at best, so most of the time she was unemployed while he worked a full time job. She was always unhappy, sniping at everyone and everything outside of their relationship. She started influencing how he saw the world. He could hardly spend any time with me or his other friends because his wife simply was unhappy when he was doing something and she wasn't. Didn't matter what or with who.
He was becoming incredibly miserable. Even when he had permission to hang out, his wife would text him with trivial bullshit constantly just to remind him that she was out there, bored and unhappy while he was having fun. A total bitch move.
And when he started to stand up for himself, assert his right to do what he wants on occasion, then she dumped him for someone else and they got divorced.
Who you hook up with has a direct impact on your quality of life, and I don't think it's crazy at all to weigh that against the peace and comfort of being single. I don't deny that not being in a relationship deprives you of intimate contact, and no matter how self-reliant or self-confident we are, humans need intimate contact. But waiting for the right fit for you is not something you should feel bad about or be made to feel bad about. Most couples I see that go on in time just get fatter, more lethargic and possibly unhappy with each other. They crank out a few kids, their free time evaporates completely and before you know it they're basically different people. That's not what I'm looking for out of life. Maybe one day, however many days I have left. But for right now I'm looking for that special lady who isn't hung up on all the bullshit like "going out" and "excitement" and "competing with other couples" and "marriage" and "babies." Maybe I'll never find her. But that's ok, because it's the choice I've made. Not the choice I was forced in to.
-
I've never been in a relationship, so take what i'm saying with a grain of salt, but i'm thinking that ideal relationships (alas, ideal rarely happens) should arise because two people already like each other for who they are. They enjoy the company of each other, respect the needs and quirks of the other part, and share at least SOME interests. It does sound like what you mentioned with two incompatible people getting together. It's clear that you're probably somewhat introverted, whereas your exes were more extroverted. A more suitable partner for you would probably be one who'd be lazy with you, rather than try to pull you kicking and screaming out of your cave (in the best intentions, mind you). Those do exist! Mind you, finding similarly introverted people might be difficult, precisely because they don't go out much. :v
So, is something wrong with you? Probably not, at least not from what you've given us here. It just sounds like you've had bad experiences with relationships, so it makes sense you'd be reluctant to engage in more of them.
-
If any of you have different or similiar experiences, I'd really like to know wether something is wrong with me.
It's perfectly fine not to be in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you.
Personally I've been feeling much happier without relationships and being able to spend as much time alone or with projects that I enjoy. It's not that my relationships were bad (quite the contrary), but I realized that they were not my thing - atleast for the time being.
-
I feel much happier alone.
-
Never had the urge, EVER. :P
You cant imagine how much money I save not having a girlfriend or having kids. :P
-
The ideal weekend for me is spent playing games, maybe going for a swim, but mostly just being lazy after a week of work. While my past "flames" wanted to go out, or wanted us to meet people, or just "get out of the house". Usually I could weasel my way out of that one way or the other, but all 3 of them were appearantly waiting for the next step, waiting for me to stop "liking the Computer more than them".
Is this just an issue with two incompatible people getting together? Or are relationships always like this? Because I can honestly not tell. Even the people I know that are in relationships often have this problem. If any of you have different or similiar experiences, I'd really like to know wether something is wrong with me.
Relationships always involve compromise, and it's something you need to work on. I say that, because I know a few guys nearing their 40s who never compromised and now they're feeling very, very lonely. By not compromising or working at the relationship, you're just being selfish.
That being said, you HAVE to find someone that likes the same things as you. If your favourite thing to do is gaming, you've got to find someone who also likes gaming!! I know that sounds super common sense, but its amazing how many people try to get with someone who has exactly the opposite interests to them and expects it to work. More than that, you'll find it so much less work - general conversation and chatting away will be easier because you can talk about your favourite stuff, and things like gift giving will be tons easier - I know that sounds like small stuff, but it makes relationships a lot less 'work'.
As an example, my ex was really into board games, and whilst I prefer PC games it was a great compromise - we'd get to go out somewhere (which she liked a lot) play games (which we both liked) and could meet her friends there (which I didn't like) but play games with them rather than having to listen to them ramble on all night which made it tons easier. She didn't like a lot of video games, but enjoyed watching story heavy ones - so I'd compromise by playing those with her rather than playing strategy games. Yeah, on top of that she liked loads of stuff I didn't, but she could do those things on her own because we had enough stuff to do together that we enjoyed, that we didn't need to spend time doing stuff we didn't enjoy.
As Shook has said, if you've got something that is important to you (gaming) then you'll have to look a bit wider/in different places to find someone who shares that. It might be that you need to go on dating sites and make it clear it's a major thing for you, or it might be that you need to get more into your local gaming groups/scene.
-
-snip-
-
Just don't listen to dragdeler - it sounds like he's had a rough time, but that's not the norm.
-
He's on the spectrum of how people deal with relationships. Trying to make him some outlier to be ignored isn't fair to him or the OP.
He describes feels and beliefs consistent with highly introverted people. To introverts, people ARE exhausting. Listening to them, following their conversations, making polite small talk, having to give your opinions you've only thought of but never had to articulate with your mouth hole before, trying to witty/clever/topical/relevant.....christ I'm tired just thinking about it.
Here's my take: I do not want to do someone the disservice of dating them, only for them to find out after sex that I'm rather withdrawn and that I need a great deal of alone time to recharge my batteries. That's why I pray to meet another hot introvert. A woman who is like a cat. She will love on you affectionately, but there's times she doesn't need you as well.
I remember the last relationship I had, it was long distance. Started in an MMO, turned in to a real life hookup and a whirlwind of 8 hour phone calls multiple times a week, with a big dose of phone sex.
Anyways, it got to the point that when I wanted to party in an MMO with someone that wasn't her, she'd get hurt. When I made plans to play in a party or raid with someone else (despite already being in multiple raids with her already), she'd get hurt. When I'd want to play a game with some friends she didn't have access to, she'd get hurt. When I would go out of the house to hang out with friends, she'd get hurt. Mind you, I was spending 8 hours a day with her easily between phone calls and WoW.
I was not used to having my almost all my decisions predicated on someone else's feelings like this before. I was not prepared. (zing) I got stressed out. She got stressed out. We fought. It collapsed.
Ironically the week we broke up, I turned down another coworker in a bar we went to as a group. Mmmmmmaaaaaannnnnnn was she not happy about that. I both wasn't interested in her and too fucked up from my break up to even conceive getting in to bed with someone else.
So bottomline: my inclination to not seek a partner is because I know myself pretty well, and it's hard sell to be like "I can be super charming and smart but after a certain threshold is met I will need to retreat and shine a little less brightly." This was my attitude going back to my 20s, and now that I'm in my 30s and everyone around me is married, has kids, has full weekends of doing some bullshit and fitting in to the typical married couple model.....my attitude is even less palatable to others. Woman my age that aren't married are edgy as fuck that they're running out of time and so that makes for a dicey proposition for me. Women younger than me don't know shit about shit yet and still have stars in their eyes about some dream life that I goddamn guarantee I will not deliver.
Weird as it sounds lately I'm more attracted to older women. They've been through shit, they know themselves better than younger women, they know what they want and what they don't want. There's a good chance they have that independent streak and are maybe not hung up on marriage, children and keeping up with the Joneses. The only forseeable dangers are that they are bat shit crazy as only older women can be...or that they're married and you're potentially stepping in to a bear trap or some exceptionally weird shit. Maybe the preference isn't so odd, actually. I suppose they seem like a safer choice then someone that is expecting a real relationship.
Anyways, listen to both the introverts and the extroverts about how they see relationships and ask where you fall on that spectrum. Some people absolutely thrive on intimacy. Some people need only measured doses of it. And some people will overdose the fuck out on it and then wake up one day and realize they don't feel the same way anymore. And that's when shit gets real. I dread falling head over heels for someone and then looking at them one day in the not too distant future and realizing that spark is gone. Realizing that, holy shit, I'd rather be alone right now. My cup overfloweth. I've felt like an asshole every time the feeling has come over me in a relationship. Which is why I carefully vet anyone I'm interested in. I've had enough emotional flings to realize it can be a shit deal for both parties, so after my last relationship I vowed I was going to try to never set someone up for that.
For example. I have a coworker. She's got trouble written all over her. Single, has two kids. Tattoos (blech!) Energetic, crazy personality. Has an on again off again engagement with this guy who no one at work has ever met because he refuses to come to events with her as a couple.
To put it bluntly, I could have her if I wanted her. She gets a little liquor in her and she turns in to a bad girl with shocking rapidity. At a cowokers wedding a couple of weeks ago I had to keep removing her hands from under my clothes. I'm not super unique in this regard, she gets handsy with anyone she's attracted to. But I know if I chose to capitalize on this, it'd be the easiest lay of my life.
And I won't do it. Because she's got trouble written all over her. Because she's attractive and I'm only really attracted to that and how randy she is. Because I hate tattoos. Because she has kids. Because she has a fiance. Because I'd be taking advantage of a woman who is just throwing herself out there every time she gets drunk as a sort of way to fuck with her asshole fiance. Because, honestly, her personality can be like sand paper to me sometimes with her cheeriness, loudness, energy, aggressiveness.....etc....Because, at the end of the day I'm not actually attracted to her, I'm just attracted to the idea of sex. And I don't play that way. I got another woman in the office I've been flirting with for years now. May have even missed my window with her at one point. But she has kids, has been divorced, has a boyfriend that treats her real well. I'm actually really attracted to her but again.....it's mostly the idea of sex and I'm grown enough to realize that.
When I run in to a woman who I'm attracted to for more than the idea of bedding them.....when I'm attracted to them just for the chance to hang out.....that's when I'll make a real move. That's all shit I can largely gauge and figure out without ever actually dating someone.
-
-snip-
-
He's on the spectrum of how people deal with relationships. Trying to make him some outlier to be ignored isn't fair to him or the OP.
Whilst dragdeler's approach is on the spectrum of how people deal with relationships, saying things like:
I think women are mean, never have I been told what essentially boils down to "it's exhausting to follow you, so please shut up", except by women that meant something to me.
Isn't a way to deal with relationships, it's just being bitter after having a string of bad breaks. I don't think dragdeler is an asshole for saying so or anything, but I could conversely say that I've never had someone willing to go as far for me as someone that I've been in a close relationship with - my ex took a 6 hour drive after doing a 12 hour shift on an emergency ward just to surprise me as she knew I was having the worst week - I've got great friends, but none would go that far for me. A lot of people here just sound as though they've had some really bad relationships, so all I'm saying is that you can have some amazing ones too.
I view everyone (even Nenjin :p) on this forum as friends - I post on here daily and it's the only place I do so, and so on a serious note, I'd like to ask one thing; if anyone is using the 'I'm much happier being alone' as an excuse, please please ditch it and confront your issues. Some of you will honestly want to live a life alone and that's fine, but everyone I know personally who was like that in their twenties and early thirties is having a really tough time in their late 30s and 40s, and all of them were using the 'I want to live my life and not let anyone else ruin it' as a defence rather than a reality. Again, small sample size etc, but every. single. one.
No one is right or wrong, but they haven't written love stories since the stone ages as a marketing ploy, and out of the 7 billion people on the planet there will be people you match with well. Don't get consumed with bitterness, and look further than where you were previously looking if you had no luck.
-
I don't want to risk ruining my life. No. I will live alone. I'm not good with IRL conversations, so I won't succeed even if I wanted to.
-
-snip-
-
-snip-
-
but they haven't written love stories since the stone ages as a marketing ploy
Love stories are no more every day reality for 99% of humanity than being cut and shredded 24/7 like a Greek god is. Love stories are there to sell the idea of relationships. "Happily ever after" however is their attempt to gloss over what actually matters in a relationship. All relationships are magical when they start out, even mine. It's what comes later that actually defines a relationship.
It's not a matter of being bitter. It's a matter of being extremely picky, because life has taught us that not being extremely picky has consequences we don't enjoy.
-
-snip-
-
Hey, I've just read the OP, and while I haven't read the responses I thought I'd add my two cents. I'm sorry if what I say have already been said.
I've had myself three relationships in my life. First had a lifespan of five years, the other two, a couple months each. The first ended because I was getting tired of her and she put me in a "commit or end" kind of deal, with her family pushing for commitment on their end. I genuinly felt bad for ending the relationship, she was nice and caring but I clearly wasn't the guy for her and I thought ending it, so she could find husband material while she was still young. No regret nor hard feelings, it's just better for everyone.
The second two were hell on earth and consisted of a rollercoster of verbal abuse with a angry ending.
Then I decided to take a break from girls. Like, genuinly stop looking, thinking to myself "ok, there must be more to life than just fucking". I started drawing, I reinstalled DF among other things.
That's how I found what I was really pationnate about, and when I found my occupation to be stable and interesting, I just didn't felt like going back into the hellhole that is the dating market, pay lot of my hard earned cash to do something that would eventually be less interesting to me that what I do on my own.
Really, relationships are an overinflated goods. Recquire a lot of maintenance and care for the little happiness it brings. Bad deal for me - some people are just not cut for it.
In short ; there's nothing wrong in just not being interested. If you don't like pottery, don't feel shame in not buying vases.
That said - people will judge you harshly for that choice, because mostly they are [redacted], humans are like that. If your friends think you are damaged because you don't spend your days chasing pussy, do like I do ; tell them you're looking and do your stuff on your own.
-
Then I decided to take a break from girls. Like, genuinly stop looking, thinking to myself "ok, there must be more to life than just fucking". I started drawing, I reinstalled DF among other things.
That's how I found what I was really pationnate about, and when I found my occupation to be stable and interesting, I just didn't felt like going back into the hellhole that is the dating market, pay lot of my hard earned cash to do something that would eventually be less interesting to me that what I do on my own.
Really, relationships are an overinflated goods. Recquire a lot of maintenance and care for the little happiness it brings. Bad deal for me - some people are just not cut for it.
A lot of people here seem to be saying that being in a relationship is expensive, or that it takes a lot of work - if you're with the right person, it won't take either of those. Everyone I've ever dated has been the sort of person that doesn't need expensive gifts, fancy restaurants or anything like that, because that's just not the sort of person for me. Likewise, I wouldn't date anyone that was high maintenance or that I didn't have shared interests with.
There's no issue in not being bothered or taking a break, just have the most honest conversation with yourself you can - make sure it's not just that you are afraid of commitment/failure/whatever.
-
You're thinking the wrong kind of expense.
Time. Energy. Emotion. Freedom. These are the real costs of a relationship. Anyone not able to monetarily afford a relationship quickly finds that out. Most people only learn AFTER they get in to a relationship though if they can truly afford those other things.
-
A lot of people here seem to be saying that being in a relationship is expensive, or that it takes a lot of work - if you're with the right person, it won't take either of those.
Truely they are, especially if you have something going on in your life, you're passionate about and want to reach a high level. It costs time. A lot of it. Even a week end worth of time is a huge deal for me, and has been for at least five years. My successful relationship was with a carreer girl, so I had to move a lot, and do the most I could once I met her, so factor in the cost of travels and yes, restaurents and all. After a time, if the girl is not a complete gold digger, she starts paying for herself, so that's cool, but it doesn't make dating cost free at all.
I guess it's the same for friends and human relationships in general, but none of them are exclusive, and your friends won't replace you if you disapear for a time and won't throw a shitfit if you forget their birthday
Everyone I've ever dated has been the sort of person that doesn't need expensive gifts, fancy restaurants or anything like that, because that's just not the sort of person for me. Likewise, I wouldn't date anyone that was high maintenance or that I didn't have shared interests with.
I never gave a gift out of feeling of obligation, that's the opposite of what gifts are supposed to be, but I'm talking about the general cost. Yeah if you're dating a gold digger you have to ramp up the cost even more I assume, but I never dated those.
It's a question of priority. You put your time and money in what you think has value. If it's girls, so be it, but from my experience and point of view it's just not worth it.
There's no issue in not being bothered or taking a break, just have the most honest conversation with yourself you can - make sure it's not just that you are afraid of commitment/failure/whatever.
lol, absolutely not. I find relationship boring at best. I may want kids, later. But not now. If I was afraid of failure, I would have picked another carreer, that's for sure, and for commitment...
It's not the point of being afraid of it, it's a question of not taking bad deals with huge inputs and no return.
Edit : And for "being afraid" and looking honestly upon oneself, I'll return the question to you : why are you afraid of being alone ? What scares you to the point you feel the need to take action against it ? You should take a breather, dive deep into solitude and understand that you will not die the moment your existence is not validated by the opposite sex.
See what I did there ? It's called poisoning the well. None of us is really afraid in reality.
You're thinking the wrong kind of expense.
Time. Energy. Emotion. Freedom. These are the real costs of a relationship. Anyone not able to monetarily afford a relationship quickly finds that out. Most people only learn AFTER they get in to a relationship though if they can truly afford those other things.
Brofist
-
You're thinking the wrong kind of expense.
Time. Energy. Emotion. Freedom. These are the real costs of a relationship. Anyone not able to monetarily afford a relationship quickly finds that out. Most people only learn AFTER they get in to a relationship though if they can truly afford those other things.
It costs time. A lot of it. Even a week end worth of time is a huge deal for me, and has been for at least five years. My successful relationship was with a carreer girl, so I had to move a lot, and do the most I could once I met her, so factor in the cost of travels and yes, restaurents and all. After a time, if the girl is not a complete gold digger, she starts paying for herself, so that's cool, but it doesn't make dating cost free at all.
Oh I completely understand they're all major 'expenses' (although money seems to come into it a lot as well which is why I focused on it), but my point is that if you're with the right person, none of those things become expenses. It doesn't feel like sacrificing time - it's what you'd want to do with all your time anyway. It doesn't feel like it's an expense of energy, as being with that person perks you up. You don't feel that they constrain your freedom, as they're someone who wants to explore with you.
If you feel that it's a massive time sink then you're either just not in the right place for a relationship, or you've not found the right person to make it not feel like a time sink. Both of those are fine, I'm just saying it's not always 'expensive' - not by a long shot.
Edit : And for "being afraid" and looking honestly upon oneself, I'll return the question to you : why are you afraid of being alone ? What scares you to the point you feel the need to take action against it ? You should take a breather, dive deep into solitude and understand that you will not die the moment your existence is not validated by the opposite sex.
See what I did there ? It's called poisoning the well. None of us is really afraid in reality.
Very clever. A truly astounding feat of logic.
I wasn't accusing anyone of being afraid, I was just trying to ask people - from the heart - to look into why they've chosen to be alone as I've seen what not confronting it does if it isn't built on the best reasons.
I've done exactly as you've said, and I was quite happy to be alone, but found that I eventually missed having companionship. Nothing scared me about being alone - I took action against it just like I'd take action against being bored or tired, I just found the state not what I wanted and changed it. I don't need the validation of the opposite sex, and if you believe that's what relationships are then you're sorely mistaken.
You and others here may differ from me, and want to have a solitary life with no one to bother you from your other pursuits - I honestly think that's fine and I wish you great success in it, I have just seen many men go down that path because of bitterness or fear and regretted it very, very much later in life.
-
-snip-
-
Relationships always involve compromise, and it's something you need to work on. I say that, because I know a few guys nearing their 40s who never compromised and now they're feeling very, very lonely. By not compromising or working at the relationship, you're just being selfish.
Yeah, they're feeling lonely but once they get into a relationship, it's the back to the same shit within 6 months and wanting out. The good ones already snapped each other up well before 40. And if someone has brushed off other people before, but now regrets it because they're lonely, it's most likely that the pattern will repeat once the novelty of being a couple wears off.
It's the mythology of being with someone that sucks people back in - and it's often only that first 3 months of relationship glow that they're really after.
Very few other people are worth letting someone else take over your whole life, especially once the fireworks are over. And if they're single and available, that in itself can be a red flag - why, if they're so amazing aren't they already snapped up by someone else? Sure it's possible, just less likely.
-
Relationships always involve compromise, and it's something you need to work on. I say that, because I know a few guys nearing their 40s who never compromised and now they're feeling very, very lonely. By not compromising or working at the relationship, you're just being selfish.
Yeah, they're feeling lonely but once they get into a relationship, it's the back to the same shit within 6 months and wanting out. The good ones already snapped each other up well before 40. And if someone has brushed off other people before, but now regrets it because they're lonely, it's most likely that the pattern will repeat once the novelty of being a couple wears off.
It's the mythology of being with someone that sucks people back in - and it's often only that first 3 months of relationship glow that they're really after.
Very few other people are worth letting someone else take over your whole life, especially once the fireworks are over.
I do agree it's harder as you get older, but not always. There's going to be people in the same situation as you, and people that were too focused on their career/whatever - you're going to be cutting out a lot of the bullshit time because you're both not going to care to go through all that. Sure, you'll have to look harder, but that's not always an issue.
And if they're single and available, that in itself can be a red flag - why, if they're so amazing aren't they already snapped up by someone else? Sure it's possible, just less likely.
Because what's amazing to one person isn't amazing to someone else. Someone here said that they wanted to spend the weekend playing games - for someone that'd be the best time ever, for someone else that'd be hell.
I'd agree that there are few people that are worth letting take over your whole life, but they're out there.
-
I had an opportunity back in middle school. There was a girl that had the same interests as me, i.e gaming, but I just did not feel attracted.
-
Back to something the OP said the line "you love the computer more than me" is a bit of a red flag statement.
It's a needy and insecure statement, that is also projecting onto the other person. It's pretty much guaranteed that the computer is not the problem. She/he would be jealous of any conceivable hobby or person who takes up your time.
My one, she didn't like me playing guitar or gaming or going to pubs. I also didn't seem to get any reading done for several years, because she didn't like me "not paying attention". One night a week they had some alternative/punk/rockabilly DJ thing at the pub and one time, she said it was ok for me to go, then must have messaged me 40+ times with passive aggressive texts, while I was there for a few hours.
But all she wanted to do was watch TV together - watching only the shows she liked of course. While she wasn't bitching about me not making sweeping romantic gestures, or heaping on random verbal abuse. This is the problem with dating an emotionally needy and abusive person. They don't like you doing anything that suggests you have an independent life, since they end up using emotional blackmail to control you, and they know that you finding happiness in anything else is a threat to their control. That's the reason you get the feeling "i did everything for her, but nothing was ever good enough". The game is that they keep you jumping through hoops, because that's how they self-validate that they're needed and wanted.
-
I think it's complicated, and rightfully so. When you're trying to find someone you're willing to spend your life with, shit, be picky as hell. I know that eventually, I do want to find someone who I am able to fight with without breaking, be able argue with, but still be able agree. Someone to share to quiet times just as much as the loud.
But until then, I am not going to try to sweat it too much.
-
Back to something the OP said the line "you love the computer more than me" is a bit of a red flag statement.
It's a needy and insecure statement, that is also projecting onto the other person. It's pretty much guaranteed that the computer is not the problem. She/he would be jealous of any conceivable hobby or person who takes up your time.
This can be a bit of a red flag statement, but it does all depend. Unless you find someone who is also into gaming then gaming is a pretty solo activity. If they don't have an interest in it, they just won't get it - quite in the same way as I don't understand people watching hours of reality TV every night.
So for them, it'll seem like you're doing something really boring and pointless over spending time with them. This comes back to finding someone who has similar likes and dislikes as you, and also sharing why it's important. One of my ex's thought all PC games were just arcade games/CoD multiplayer matches type things - that was literally her entire exposure to it. Once I showed her adventure games, and the stories in The Witcher and Mass Effect she was completely blown away, and understood why I'd want to play them.
All this to say, if gaming really is that important to you, you'll need to find someone to understand it completely or it'll never, ever work.
-
See, this is why I decided that I want to stay alone. There are barely any people that really understand gaming in my immediate area. I will just stay out of this.
-
See, this is why I decided that I want to stay alone. There are barely any people that really understand gaming in my immediate area. I will just stay out of this.
If that's your main criteria, there are ways to go about it. Meetup groups, online dating (which isn't as bad as it once was) and gaming nights/stores/etc are all options, these will all allow you to look a bit wider than your immediate area. More than that, long distance stuff will work better if you're both into gaming - playing multiplayer games with your significant other is probably one of the best ways to spend time with your partner, and I feel that those that don't do that are missing out. I went through Icewind dale with my partner and it was pretty much the best bonding experience ever.
You might also want to cast your net a bit wider than just video gaming - people into board games and general geekery will get it, as will anyone that has a really passionate hobby. Just be open about how important it is to you, and realise that regardless of how important you view it, you'll still need to make time for them. If the thought of making any time for someone is too much, then you're not ready for dating.
-
I just want to live a life alone. Can we please stop this discussion already?
-
What? That's what this thread is about. if you're not interested in the topic, then just don't post in this thread.
It's a bit silly to demand that everyone else on the forum stop discussing the topic.
-
What? That's what this thread is about. if you're not interested in the topic, then just don't post in this thread.
It's a bit silly to demand that everyone else on the forum stop discussing the topic.
By that I meant "Stop talking to me."
-
What? That's what this thread is about. if you're not interested in the topic, then just don't post in this thread.
It's a bit silly to demand that everyone else on the forum stop discussing the topic.
By that I meant "Stop talking to me."
Then stop posting in the thread?
-
KittyTac, I'd like to point out that you've posted the same general statements here about not wanting a relationship 4-5 times over a 3 week period. Nobody directly responded to any of them except the most recent of those. So it seems weird that you'd complain that other people are pulling you back in by replying, since you kept posting the same general statement until you got a reply.
-
I wasn't trying to single you out or anybody - but if you post on a thread you've got to assume you'll get a reaction; that's the whole point of a forum.
More than that, you posted a 'problem' (of no one in your area being like minded) and I tried to give you some potential solutions. This whole sub-board is called 'life advice' so it sorta suggests that if you post here, you're looking for advice.
-
First of all, thanks for the responses, I apologize for not checking in again, I had a busy workload.
One thing that I should mention, I also find dating in general horrendously akward, and could probably do with finally getting off my butt and losing some weight. So it's not like I'm this stud that sits in his fortress of solitude constantly shooing away ladies.
But everytime it DOES come around to someone being interested, or me feeling attraction, I sort of shut down. Even though that I do sometimes feel lonely.
The big issue is something that was mentioned: I have a hard time finding somebody where the interests align. Any girl I ever met and was interested in me, had little to no interest in games, or any other media I consume for that matter. And I assume that this majorly hinders any sort of development as well.
-
First of all, thanks for the responses, I apologize for not checking in again, I had a busy workload.
One thing that I should mention, I also find dating in general horrendously akward, and could probably do with finally getting off my butt and losing some weight. So it's not like I'm this stud that sits in his fortress of solitude constantly shooing away ladies.
But everytime it DOES come around to someone being interested, or me feeling attraction, I sort of shut down. Even though that I do sometimes feel lonely.
The big issue is something that was mentioned: I have a hard time finding somebody where the interests align. Any girl I ever met and was interested in me, had little to no interest in games, or any other media I consume for that matter. And I assume that this majorly hinders any sort of development as well.
Fitness/feeling good about yourself is always a great thing to do and I will vociferously shout down anyone who says otherwise. You don't need to get ripped or spend every hour in the gym, but showing you care for your self shows you can care for others and you'll feel 10000x more confident.
That shutting down thing may be in part due to your awkwardness - eventually you'll just sort of reach critical awkwardness and not want to continue. I think it's very common, but that'll go immediately if you have similar interests. Topics getting awkward? WHY HASN'T HALF LIFE 3 COME OUT YET OH MY GOD ISN'T IT AWFUL. Repeat until friends.
The interests aligning is a big one though - just try to get involved in more social stuff around your interests. Gaming meetups, conventions, etc. are all good. You DO have to put yourself out there, but it's the only way.
That being said, some stuff is very, very male oriented and you'll have to live with that if they're your main thing; if your big thing is craft beer drinking, it's gonna be a dude fest wherever you go. There's always a way though - if that was my thing, I'd go along to some general drinks festivals, go to some bar openings and get involved with my local artisan groups etc. the girls I met might not love craft beer, but we could discuss the general hobby area. More than that, you'll make friends who will know single people - if they're friends with them, then they're at least slightly on board with the hobby/interest.
-
Here's my personal experience viewed through my outlook of optimism:
I have found dating to be nothing short of delightful. I started dating this year, since then I've met several people online and then had dates IRL. Sometimes it was awkward but I was glad I was meeting new people and trying something I'd never done before. I'm also not afraid to say no or even stop talking to someone if they're making me uncomfortable, and because I shut people down early the discomfort is minimal and I can focus on what I want: meeting new, interesting people, who are also interested in me.
Dating is only painful if you are forcing yourself to do it, or heaping loads of expectations on yourself or the other person. If you relax, be flexible, and be 100% honest with yourself and others, you can have fun dating. Don't date if the only reason you're doing it is because you think you should or other people want you to (i.e. don't do things that you don't wanna do).
I think that it's difficult to do any of those things if you can't love yourself first though. I've never been interested very long in meeting (keyword meeting) someone who hates and pities themselves, which is a shame because often those are people who need attention the most.
-
If you relax, be flexible, and be 100% honest with yourself and others, you can have fun dating. Don't date if the only reason you're doing it is because you think you should or other people want you to (i.e. don't do things that you don't wanna do).
I think that it's difficult to do any of those things if you can't love yourself first though. I've never been interested very long in meeting (keyword meeting) someone who hates and pities themselves, which is a shame because often those are people who need attention the most.
If you are that type of person though (anxious and depressed) then you can't exactly be honest about it when you're trying to meet people. It's a real turn off. You have to either endure being single until you're ready to meet people or suppress your symptoms and put on a face, neither of which are particularly healthy.
We're social animals, we need companionship and if you can't date then you're missing an essential part of life. I don't want to sound cruel, but the people that say "I want to be alone" or "I don't need anyone", I think you're honestly kidding yourselves. You can't replicate the feeling of being wanted or needed by someone romantically and going without it permanently is going to seriously mess you up.
As someone who has never had a relationship, it's completely soul-crushing. It's wrecked my self-esteem and the longer I go without the more I end up obsessing about it.
If you're also depressed then it feeds right into that too. The misery and hopelessness of it becomes a part of who you are and ultimately the centre of your existence.
We all feel alone sometimes, but feeling alone for your entire adult life is going to lead to an early grave.
I'm sorry for being such a dour bastard, but that's honestly how I feel about it at this point. It's just fucked.
-
For those of us that have been in relationships, we're better able to weigh the need for companionship versus the costs of said companionship. Being wanted by someone that isn't good for you isn't a net positive gain. And the energy it takes to sort through humanity to find someone that is good for you is also a cost to factor in.
Relationships seem magical and fulfilling from the outside. But they're just like everything else in life, they have the good and the bad. And, personally, the agony of relationship problems far, far outweighs any feelings of loneliness I may have.
The flipside to the good feels of being wanted is the pain of being rejected by that same person.
-
For those of us that have been in relationships, we're better able to weigh the need for companionship versus the costs of said companionship. Being wanted by someone that isn't good for you isn't a net positive gain. And the energy it takes to sort through humanity to find someone that is good for you is also a cost to factor in.
If I was to weigh it objectively I'd say they were a net gain for me - I've learnt more and shared something with people I've been in relationships with than anything else from 'normal' friends or family. More than that, whilst I pride myself on being a rigorously logical person, I think it's shallow to put relationships down to an objective cost-benefit analysis. There's a reason that most of the human race (and the reason everyone is here) has been in relationships of some sort, and I think it's because a truly great relationship goes above and beyond just 'does the fun outweigh the risk'
Whilst I don't think being completely alone is healthy, it's not that it can't work; there's always the small proportion that are completely different to everyone else and that's fine. However, I have to agree with the Lord that I think there's some self-delusion when a lot of people say they want to be alone - from what I've read here (and a lot of other people) they're scared/hate the idea of rejection to the point where they don't want to risk it, rather than that they actually truly don't want to be close to someone. All I can say is that from my experience, it's worth it in the long run.
That being said, a 'traditional' relationship may very well not work for you. I know a lot of people in all sorts of 'alternative' relationships. One of my friends classes themselves as completely asexual, however they have a very loving relationship with someone without any sexual component for instance. It may be you need to think about what sort of 'closeness' you want and how you think you can get it as it may be radically different to the 'norm'.
If you are that type of person though (anxious and depressed) then you can't exactly be honest about it when you're trying to meet people. It's a real turn off. You have to either endure being single until you're ready to meet people or suppress your symptoms and put on a face, neither of which are particularly healthy.
...
As someone who has never had a relationship, it's completely soul-crushing. It's wrecked my self-esteem and the longer I go without the more I end up obsessing about it.
If you're also depressed then it feeds right into that too. The misery and hopelessness of it becomes a part of who you are and ultimately the centre of your existence.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear that - I really am. I think the core is not to rush it - whilst I do think it's an important thing, it's not something that has a time limit on it so you don't need to worry about it happening right now. I know a lot of people who haven't found someone serious until late 40s and that worked for them.
As with the OP, you may need to go wider to find the 'right' person for you - if you have social anxiety, meet someone you can chat with for ages online with first and then meet doing something you're comfortable with. I know one guy who was terrified of dating but he was a mini golf pro - he always used to take them there, as he had something he could concentrate on no matter how it was going. He even used to go for a test run if they changed the track.
It's also fine to be clear about your situation - you don't need to reel off your symptoms to them, just say 'So, I find it hard to meet new people - would you mind if we chatted for a while before we moved it further?'. Again, couple this with working on yourself religiously - gym, learn a skill (to the point of mastery) and take care of yourself as best you can - even if gym/whatever isn't you, try it for 6 months and get back to me.
Not qualified at all, but if anyone's struggling and needs a chat/vent, I'm a PM away.
-
The point is to act when something feels right, rather than throwing yourself out there to check that relationship box. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes for that to happen, and am ok with not finding it. Separating the biological drive to couple and mate from what's actually good for you.
I'd rather be in no relationship than be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. I've watched enough collapsed marriages, couples that are unhappy with each other but are still together, and people cheating like fucking crazy to know this. I've had enough relationships that I eventually wanted out of to know this.
If you've never been in a relationship, then yes, being in one regardless of its content is going to seem like a goal. Before I'd been with anyone, I thought this was how it worked.
Once you've hooked up with someone just to hook up though, it changes your perspective a bit. Just being in a relationship isn't enough; being in a relationship you *actually want to be in* is the point.
-
If you've never been in a relationship, then yes, being in one regardless of its content is going to seem like a goal. Before I'd been with anyone, I thought this was how it worked.
Once you've hooked up with someone just to hook up though, it changes your perspective a bit. Just being in a relationship isn't enough; being in a relationship you *actually want to be in* is the point.
This
-
-snip-
-
Oh man, I agree with everything the first post said (which is the only post I read in this thread). I haven't been in a relationship for a year and before that one I wasn't in one for like 5 years. And honestly I don't miss it. It just seems like a responsibility I can do without. It feels like work exactly as OP said. It might be a side effect of my general responsibility-avoiding carefree attitude (it's a bad trait, I know) but I don't seem to like anything that being in a relationship entails. Especially the fact that you have to talk to each other all the time. All the texting and stuff... I'm not very asocial but when I'm alone at home I want to be alone at home. I don't want to text and let her know what I've been doing, what I'm doing and what I'm planning to do all the time. And listening to her side of things.
One good thing I've had in a relationship is, of course, being in love. Happened only once to me. And I don't mean just hugging and kissing and having sex. Though love can be quite poisonous as well if you aren't in love with the right person. Being in love changes you and makes you do things that you wouldn't do otherwise. You feel like you can move mountains if you try hard enough for her. You can sacrifice things and completely change your life plans and find yourself in a position your pre-in-love self would feel miserable in. And once the love fades you can get stuck in it. Too much love is the worst thing that can happen to a person. I'd rather be celibate than to go through that shit again.
Everyone wants what they don't have. My philosophy regarding relationships is now simple after being treated like shit last time: if you fuck someone over, you are loved, and if you are loved then you probably fucked her over. I got treated like shit and I loved her more. She left me for a guy who was an absolute shit towards her. When I treated my partner badly (wasn't aware of it at the time and not proud of it) they seemed to love me more. Worse you act towards someone, more they seem to want you. It all boils down to this. We all want we don't have and if someone seems more difficult to reach, we want her more. Relationships are a headache. It feels like trying to balance the most wiggly pair of scales ever. If you tip it too much to the right, she leaves you. If you tip it too much to the left you don't love her anymore.
We all love to tell ourselves that we are such a nice guy and the other guy she left us for is such a dick. But I've been both the dick and the nice guy in different scenarios and I can say it has nothing to do with being nice or an asshole. It's about either being unreachable enough to be desirable or being a doll with strings for the other person. What I said in the above paragraph goes for all relationships. Hell, it goes for all our wants, desires and vices on this Earth.