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I was inspired by the current game of Tacticus going on, and decided that I would start a chain story. I will start the story out, and anyone may continue the story as long as they follow the rules laid out here.
You MUST leave your post open ended, so that someone else can continue it.
Your post must be under 100 words.
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Snoopicus starts out this story stark naked, with only one piece of equipment. "The Ham Sandwich of Life of Death". Its abilities remain mostly unknown, but there are several rules which govern its use/existance.
1) The sandwich may never directly harm or lead to the direct harm/death of its possessor. The exception of this rule is laid out in rule number 5.
2) The sandwich will never be made of anything but ham. To suggest otherwise, as in "Hey, is that a Tuna sandwich!?" will result in immediate death.
3) Rule 2 is superceeded by rule number 1.
4) Any creature or animal who intends to harm the bearer of the sandwich will be immediately overcome with a complete and unwavering desire to POSSESS the sandwich, and will attempt to do so by any means necessary (without damaging the sandwich of course).
5) The sandwich prefers to stay with its current owner (It trusts who it knows) but in order to prevent itself from being eaten, whenever the current owner attempts to eat the sandwich, they will immediately encounter a situation which requires them to divert their attention away from the sandwich. These situations must NOT be instantly fatal. The bearer must always have a chance to make it out of the situation alive (if it is dangerous), no matter how remote.
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Snoopicus smiles, as it is a beautiful day outside. He looks down, at his delicious Ham Sandwich. He goes to take a bite out of the sandwich when............
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.. he hear the sentries shout out an alarm. "Goblins! The greenskins are coming! Get the others, and get dressed, Snoop," the watchdwarf exclaims from atop the fortress wall. As the gates begin to close with a low rumble, Snoopicus glances mournfully at the Sandwich and ...
[EDIT: typos fix'd]
[ May 20, 2008: Message edited by: nahkh ]
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Realizes that he still has time to eat before the goblins come, but he finds himself really thirsty, so he takes a drink of dwarven beer, and tries to take a bite of the sandwich.
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When a giant rock falls right next to him due to falty construction, sending Snoopicus flying a few feet away. The sandwich is unharmed.
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Bob, the wife of Snoopicus, says, "Is that a +Dog Meat Biscuit, honey?" and explodes into a thousand pieces. Snoopicus is still content, for he is standing next to a sublime floodgate artifact. He is still hungry, and reaches towards the sandwich...
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snoopicus cancels eat ham sandwich, interupted by kobold thief!
[ May 20, 2008: Message edited by: Captain Xenon ]
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Suddenly, the kobold realizes how long it's gone without a hearty meal. It looks over at the delicious sandwich but in its koboldish naivete decides it's a -longnose gar biscuit-. Another chunk of the building falls, immediately crushing the kobold. Snoop, picking up the sandwich, ...
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...hears the shift supervisor shout: "Hey, Snoop! Get up here and load these catapults! And bring me that +Pig Meat Biscuit+, I'm starving!" So Snoop runs up the stairs, sandwich in one hand, boulder in the other, just in time to...
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... see the shift supervisor get pulverized into a bloody smear by a collapsing pile of catapult projectiles. Since his shift supervisor is n't there to supervise him, Snoopicus now decides to...
[ May 21, 2008: Message edited by: Impending Doom ]
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...attend a meeting, while the goblin force charges towards the walls. As they swarm round the Main Gates, Snoopicus yells at them "You're not on the agenda! You'll have to wait for Any Other Business!".
The goblins appear to all be yelling something about a Holy Ham Sandwich they seek, and so Snoopicus tucks his away safely in his pocket, and...
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...A CHAMPION bursts fourth from the fortress door, rushing towards the goblins. With several mighty swings of his axe, the goblins are dead. Hurah! Looking down from his pile of corpses, he says...
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"Hey, can I have that *Plump Helmet Roast*? I did just save your life."
The spinning XXButterlyXX strikes the Champion in the groin. It is pierced.
It is blistering.
It is burning.
Champion has died of extreme (and I mean extreme) pain.
Snoopicus shrugs and takes the opportunity to...
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Snoopicus reaches into his pocket to retrieve his delicious, ham sandwich, but realizes that he was naked at the time, and HAS NO POCKETS! He searches around fruitlessly for his oh so delicious ham sandwich.
Meanwhile...
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Jreengus occurred, right next to the Ham Sandwich. Upon spotting it, he snatches it up and, after licking his chops, moves to take a bite out of it...
[ May 21, 2008: Message edited by: Xotes ]
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...notices Snoopicus standing over him, with a look of pure rage on his face. Snoopicus Moves to snatch the ham sandwich back from the kobold...
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((Apparently like three people posted in the time it took me to post once.))
[ May 21, 2008: Message edited by: Cthulhu ]
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And that Jreengus was instead a dwarf, who suddenly goes into a fey mood!
[ May 21, 2008: Message edited by: Xotes ]
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... And begins work on a mysterious construction! Snoopicus takes this moment to snatch the sandwich from the side of the distracted dwarf, and run to the dining room of the place, where...
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A Stray War Dog barks at him and strangely gets mashed into a fine paste by a falling statue!
Snoopicus shrugs and takes a seat on the Kaolinite Throne, and lays the Ham Sandwich on the *Flint Table*.
He yawns, and tries to take a bite when...
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Someone pulls the lever, and the whole room collapses. When Snoopicus comes to, he is wearing a kobold leather knapsack in which the sandwhich residesm, howevere both of his hands have been broken. He screams in pain when....
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... he realizes that he cannot grab his sandwich, and he is STARVING. He is desperately attempting to take the sandwich out and devour it without assistance from his upper limbs when a swarm of sandwich-eating rats is disturbed...
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They all stop and gaze into the backpack. Suddenly, and without warning, they all spontaneously combust. Snoopicus is left with a nice, cozy fire. He decides to try eating the yummy sammich with his legs when...
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Dresdor walks in and says "Hey! That looks like a great Ham Sandwich! Mind sharing?"
Snoopicus looks up and gleefully says...
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..."no", before attempting to bludgeon Dresdor to death, with his sandwich - which he wields between his feet. Then...
[ May 23, 2008: Message edited by: weirdbeard ]
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The ham sandwich tumbles around, entirely intact and not at all falling apart.
It falls into the hands of Bob, a rather oddly-named Dwarf, who specialized in sandwich construction.Upon seeing this apparently artifact-quality sandwich, he immediately starts to salivate and crave the delicious meat and bread combination. He opens his mouth and starts moving the sandwich towards his mouth when...
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...Snoopicus does a triple-backflipping barrel rolling satchel attack, and Bob's head flies off in a bloody arc, destroying a huge tower and killing 50 dwarves. Snoopicus hobbles over to his sandwich, and picks up the sandwich.
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Only to realize, he's been interrupted by a goblin ambush. The leader of which, gibbering in it's own weird language, explodes in gore. The other goblins look to the bloody remains of their CO and to the sandwich, only to follow his command. Snoopicus, amazed about these occurrences, brings the tuna sandwich-
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Wait... Tuna Sandwich?
Snoopicus has picked up the wrong sandwich! That damn sandwich maker must have made the swap! Snoopicus shakes his fist in rage as the kobold horde decends upon him, his last thoughts being that it was a shame to die hungry.
Meanwhile, Kug the Kobold sneaks out the front entrance of the fortress, carrying a very special satchel with the ham sandwich of Life of Death contained safely inside. He was just thinking about reaching into the satchel to take a bite of the sandwich when...
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... he ascends to godhood and no longer needs to eat.
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The sandwich, being left behind when the kobold ascended into immortality, is neglected for a season outside of the fort due to the overseer's reckless use of the Designate Forbid command. Luckily, its legendary nature means that it did not go bad or rot in the meantime.
A human trader, in their yearly caravan runs, stumbles upon the sandwich when arriving at the depot. He feels a bit hungry, so he disregards the fact that it's an apparently-old sandwich and begins to take a bite...
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quote:
Originally posted by Snoopicus:
<STRONG>Wait... Tuna Sandwich?</STRONG>
Why do you think my post ended so abruptly? ;)
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...Out of his finger. Screaming in pain, he drops the sandwich onto the ground. A small rat, takes it up, and looks to his cute little rat-wife. "Look dear! We aren't going to starve to death after all! I found us a beautiful tuna san...
The rat explodes in gore.
His rat-wife then...
[ May 25, 2008: Message edited by: weirdbeard ]
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...completely ignores his death due to the alluring awesomeness of the sandwich. before she can snatch it up, a cat walks by, notices her and immediately kills her. Then the cat notices the sandwich she was grasping at, ...
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when the cat suddenally decides to adopt the body of Bob the sandwhichmaker!
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Snoopicus drenched in the blood and filth of a hundred goblins stumbles in. Sweat and mud cling to his body. Seasons of confinement and travel back have made him quite hungry. Nearly faint from his ordeals he looks around...
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At that moment the local Baron sends out a demand for a ham sandwich in his tomb of all places. Failure to comply will result in fifty hammerstrokes.
The tired Snoopicus sees the Hammerer approaching...
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when a !!dwarf infant!! falls from the sky, it explodes when colliding with the hammerer, the hammer is sent spinning toward Snoop...
[ May 28, 2008: Message edited by: bheema ]
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... who puts out his hand to shield himself. By an immense stroke of luck, the hammer lands perfectly in his hand. Amazed by his good fortune, Snoopicus brandishes the hammer...
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...at the Ham Sandwich, crying "This is all your fault! What demon brought you into this world, that you might visit such pain and woe on dwarfkind?". Snoopicus stalked up to the sandwich, raising the hammer high above his head, and just as he was about to bring the hammer down upon the centre of the bread...
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Snoopicus cancels kill sandwich: taken by mood.
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Snoopicus throws the sandwich to the side (leaving it completely unharmed) and immediatly sets off in search of...
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Turtle shell. However, there are no turtles or turtle shell anywhere in the fortress. Snoopicus then...
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Continues to sit in the craftsdwarf's workshop he has claimed...
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... When, out of nowhere, a turtle slowly walks up to a grand sandwich. Sure he was a vegetarian, but this was a REALLY GOOD sandwich.
So as he is about to chomp down on the sandwich...
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A falling elephant falls on top of him, nearly missing the still intact sandwich.
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Driven mad by lack of turtle shell, Snoopicus picks up the sandwich and starts looking at it.
Merely looking.
No more.
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Snoopicus then notices the crushed turtle shell and grabs it, and the ham sandwich, and heads inside the fort to the craftsdwarf shop!
Three weeks later Snoopicus emerges with a Ham Sandwich encrusted with Turtle shell! It menaces with spikes of turtle shell! As he brings it out the Baron appears and says..."Hey, is that a turtle sandwich?!"
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The spinning live !!carp!! strikes the baron in the head!
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The !!carp!! was not just a !!carp!!, but rather a !!skeletal carp!!. Witnessing such a brutal act of doom Snoopicus did what any sane dwarf would do! He dropped the Ham Sandwich and picked up a pair of !!Rope Reed Trousers!!
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Then, snoop remembers that his hands are still horribly maimed and drops the pants, which somehow slices the head off the !!skeletal carp!!. Snoop shrugs and picks up the sandwich with his feet and is about to take a bite when...
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You have struck Talc!
Okay, thats fine. Snoopicus attempts to ea-
You have struck Microline!
Thats great. Bac-
You have struck Gypsum!
Stop dam-
You have struck Microline!
Snoopicus take a bite o-
You have struck adamantine! Praise the miners!
A king comes from nowhere, dressed as a pesant. He looks at the sandwich and realizes how hungry he is.
King: Say, could I buy that sandwich for several cattle?
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Seething with rage, Snoopicus is just about ready to rip the king's head off for such a request, when all of a sudden:
Horrors! Demons in the deep!
A fireball comes flying down the corridor towards Snoopicus...
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But is deflected due to strange forces. It strikes the king in the left upper arm. The king, still concious, says. . .
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"My gosh, is that the time? I'm late for my piano lesson!". The !!king!! promptly dashes off, leaving Snoopicus with his sandwich, at the mercy of the advancing demon, who...
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Immediately notices the sandwich, grabs it from Snoop and begins to take a bite of it when.....
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A Fitzwillis the kitten has adopted Deamon!
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The kitten notices the sandwich and meows. A chasm opens under it.
Suffering deeply from loss of his pet, the demon...
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Throws a tantrum! In his rage, he throws the sandwich directly at Snoopicus, who...
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Becomes stunned and tired when the spinning !!Grilled Cheese Sandwich!! hits him in the chest..
*the author of this post has suddenly and tragically died in a blogging accident*
edit spelling blaarrguuh!!!
[ May 30, 2008: Message edited by: DoctrZombie ]
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The demon advances on the stunned Snoopicus when a bridge trap is activated. The demon . . .
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Watches with horror as yet another adopted kitten is crushed. It steps over the bridge towards Snoopicus and...
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Gets SUPER PISSED OFF nd starts to tear apart anything near it. Whats that? A Tentacle Demon right next to him? That guy is going down!
*Epic fight*
With the demons going through a small civil-war, Snoopicus looks down at two % symbols. One is the sandwich of life and death, the other is a !!Grilled cheese sandwich!!.
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Snoopicus suddenally comes up with a plan. If he could get the demons to confuse the sandwiches he could . . .
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Get that awesome !!Grilled cheese sandwich!!. Wait, what? Sorry.
"Hey, demons!", yells Snoopicus. The demons pause their fight for a second.
"Uh, what?"
"Look at this awesome sandwich, man!"
"Oh. Wow. I suddenly desire that sandwich."
"Crap."
Snoopicus' plan has backfired! There are now three contestants for the Sammich of Life and Death! What will happen next? Find out in the next post, in which...
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...our sponsor, Hovis, shows us the delicious and versatile array of bread products you can use to make your *own* ham sandwiches, to amaze and delight your friends!
<Commercial>
Previously, on "Snoopicus and the Ham Sandwich of Life of Death"...
<Recap of what's happened so far>
Snoopicus retreats slowly from the demons, as they advance upon him, all their eyes fixed upon the sandwich. Suddenly he feels a solid wall behind him, and the demons are still advancing... it looks bad for our hero...
<Time>
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<...that is somehow interrupted by five pages of !!zombie carp!!.>
...until suddenly the Spirit of Fire looses a roaring laughter, fell and terrible! The demon claims a butcher's shop that mysteriously appeared next to it, moves on to strike down the Tentacle Demon that was about to exterminate Snoopicus and makes an !!Tentacle Demon Thong!!! Snoopicus look at the !!thong!! in awe and...
[ June 01, 2008: Message edited by: Silu ]
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His brain snaps as he tries to comprehend what happened. But that's fine, as the demon tries to eat the sandwhich of life and death, Snoopicus is miraculously healed and finds the rocks at his feet have all been bathed in holy water and are holy schist rocks +5 of demon smiting. So he...
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Is elected mayor!
Snoopicus promptly hops (sandwich in one foot) to attend meeting with a long line of disgruntled dwarves who's friends are now !!xXfriendsXx!! when he encounters....
Edit: forgot his hands were damaged
[ June 01, 2008: Message edited by: BurnedToast ]
[ June 01, 2008: Message edited by: BurnedToast ]
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... a growling belly! Snoopicus, sandwich in han- errr, foot- realizes he never did take a bite out of that sandwich. As he goes to take a bite, a miner 1 z-level above him finishes mining out a square of floor, which then...
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It falls, narrowly missing Snoopicus. The dust cloud flings a !!XxfriendXx!! into a lever. The lever is pulled and
<Pitch>
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... the strategic sandwich reserve is catapulted off the bridge it was designated for. Sandwiches fly down the corridor, hitting...
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... All the dwarves wishing for a meeting! Limbs and lungs fill the air.
Snoopicus, ungrazed, lifts the sandwich to his mouth and...
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realizes that his ham sandwich was knocked out of his hand by the flying sandwiches..,
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Snoopicus stares in horror and disbelief at the room full of sandwiches, some of which are burning, dwarf body parts, also burning, litter the corridors. It will take him years to haul each sandwich back to its designated storage container.
As Mayor, Snoopicus decides this would be a great time to mandate that the export of Catapault parts be banned!
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... Inciting rage in the player, who decides Snoopicus can be no more.
Snoopicus feels like pulling a lever, when...
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A caravan just left the map with catapult parts! Snoopicus goes stark raving mad! He starts flinging sandwhiches left and right, causing carnage with his now skilled throwing skill.
The Player, knowing that this could cause a tantrum spiral, tries...
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to search the DF wiki for help. But, due to problems with space-time, it's still down! The player tries instead to,
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...build a few <<*gabbro statues*>> in the room. Everyone immediately calms down.
The dwarves realize they are hungry. All the ones who are not horribly maimed (and some of whom that are) start reaching for the sandwiches. Snoopicus worries that one of them will get the ham sandwich, so he...
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Mandates the construction of some dwarf bone items. Everyone immediately...
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runs out side to get the dwarfbones lying there before they realize...
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That Snoopicus is running off with a sandwich! After pondering what type of sammich it is, instantly, four of the eight dwarves snap the necks of the other four dwarves! Three of them then jump continuoulsy into the moat untill they starve! The last remaining dwarf then...
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Swims up a conveniently placed aqueduct and ambushes snoopicus! Snoop can only....
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...yell out "An ambush! Curse them!"
Unfortunately there was a real ambush party of goblin marksmen nearby. Assuming they've been spotted they come out of hiding. Snoopicus sees the goblins and...
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Leaps a ridiculously overexxagerated distance into the air, brandishing the sandwich like a bane against all that is evil, he begins to preform...
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...a house! His preforming skills are second to none.
It has to be put on hold though, as the ground rushes up to meet him!
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Where lies a *willow bed*,a pair of crying elves,a possessed pork chop,and a !!partridge in a pear tree!!.
Snoopicus...
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...hits the ground, though not too hard. Snoopicus only suffers a bruised spine, which although it will never heal will not leave him crippled either. Just in chronic pain.
The goblins shoot the crying elves and the other dwarf, each bolt somehow managing to pierce their lungs, heart, and eyes all at the same time. The goblins approach Snoopicus and...
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One gets drop-kicked into the !!partridge in a pear tree!! by the possessed porkchop on its way to the workshops.
The rest look in awe at the randomness of the occurence,then notice a refried bean sandwhich...
*writer has been struck down*
*Sentient computer eats writer's head*
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The goblins start to say something, but screams from someone being eaten drown the goblegok out. Suddenally and argument breaks out among the gobos. They point at the sandwich and chatter when . . .
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They stop speaking, run around panickedly like they have no clue what's going on, stop immediately, and unfreeze a few moments later then proceed to jump into the carp infested river.
*Urist McGobbo Has been struck down*
*Gobby Stupidhead has been struck down*
*blah*
One carp, however, refrains from the carnage and loks at the sandwich...
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It immediately bursts into flames and dies. Then it comes back as a !!Zombie carp!!. It begins to approach snoop and the sandwich when...
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The sandwich suddenly speaks:
'Come on, you undead freak, gimme a break. Do you have any idea how hard a sandwich's life is nowadays'
'Would you shut up' Snoopicus screams. 'I am the one with no hands and a sore back! And starving!'
The !!zombie carp!! is dumbstruck and thinks 'this must be a 'speaking sandwich', and explodes in !!gore!!.
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The !!gore!! sprays everywhere. A large quantity of it ends up falling into the fort, via the hole caused by the aformentioned explosion. The gore lands on and ignites . . .
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A large seam of coal which happens to run under and support the fortress!
Snoopicus, realizing it's not long now before the coal burns up and the whole of the fortress of which he is now mayor caves in, springs into action and......
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starts throwing carp at people!
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The Ham Sandwich of Life of Death tries to take advantage of this moment of utter chaos to sneak away, but, considering it has no legs, fails miserably.
Snoopicus...
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trys to eat the sandwich but is suddenly interrupted by an explosion in the general direction of the beer supply!
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... And then promptly drowns.
Snoopicus, on the other hand, decides to...
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To take this rare moment of rationality to ponder a few things...
Like, where do baby dwarves come from?
Does every elf have to be butchered in various ways by the end of the day?
How much kill is in one overkill?
Is this madness?
What is this thing called morality?
Are those explosions? If so, how can I make some?
When will it all end?
Is all the rum gone?
Why can't I see to eat this sandwhich? I mean, pick up, open, bite down, eat. How did it get so hard?
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A slight earth tremor shakes the room, and something falls out of the sandwich. It appears to be a note:
1. The Dwarfanage.
2. Yes.
3. At least three standard kills.
4. Yes.
5. Just like madness, only it makes you feel guilty if you ignore it.
6. Yes. Try sulphur mixed with charcoal and saltpetre, then set fire to it in an enclosed space. Try also not to be in that enclosed space.
7. In about 3 seconds if you try and eat me again.
8. No.
9. Do you want to be eaten by a dragon? No? Well I don't want to be eaten either. And I'm not as helpless as you think I am...
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... However, the note goes unnoticed. Snoopicus notices he is hungry, and decides to put his grand questions for laters.
He lifts the sandwich to his mouth and...
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then decides he is tired and should get some sleep before he should eat his sandwich
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Snoopicus lies down on the ground to sleep. Unfortunately just then the coal seam below finally burns away and the ground caves in.
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Right into a chasm buried under the Fortress! Snoopicus fall on the edge of the chasm, with the Sandwich in hand and just in front of a Giant Cave Spider!
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The Giant Cave Spider screeches: 'Wow. That's a yummie Snoopicus' and is transformed to ashes.
'Oops. Sorry. I thought you were talking to me.', the Ham Sandwich of Life of Death apologizes.
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Somehow, Snoopicus is still asleep after the fall. He rolls over in his sleep, and ends up placing the sandwich precariously close to the edge of the chasm!
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Suddenly, one of the local miner dwarfs breaks into an underground river, and floods the area Snoopicus is with waist deep water. He begins to approach Legendary swimming skill but... where did the sandwhich go?
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There it is! Acting desisively, Snoop grabs and bites the sandwhich. BUT WAIT, the sandwhich is superdwarvenly tough from ITS legendary +5 swimming skill!
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Snoopicus's teeth oddly enough are completely unharmed,he suddenly forgets what just happened and precedes to take another bite of the sandwhich when...
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A vile force of Darkness has arrived!
The Player recruits all dwarves, and Snoopicus.
Snoopicus notices he is now a recruit and...
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He is dragged into battle with thousands of goblins, with only his sandwich for a weapon.
Thankfully, his sandwich is of the finesd dwarf bread, just like mother used to forge.
As the last goblin is slain, snoopicus looks lovinglu at his sandwich and is about to bite when...
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...his teeth fall out of his mouth. Snoopicus hurries to the dentist.
The dentist looks at Snoopicus, and the sandwich, and says:
'Don't you know it is very bad for your teeth to eat sweet stuff, like that jelly sandwich..'
At that moment, the dentists' chair is suddenly animated, and grabs the dentist.
The dentist is killed by having a drill drilled up his mouth, through his brains.
Snoopicus..
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Becomes stricken with melancholy after seeing his beloved dentist killed! He removes all clothing and drops all items, including the ham sandwich, and wanders the halls of the private family practice for days, refusing to eat, drink, or sleep.
The player orders all of Snoopicus's items to be dumped, at which point Glo'thorguk the dwarf attempts to retrieve the sandwich. He picks it up and blows the dust off of it, remarking "Wow, what a dusty but oddly delicious looking Hoary Marmot sandwich!"
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suddenly snoopicus goes into a berserk rage as he sees glo'thorguk holding the sandwich
he hits glo'thorguk in the head. it is mangled! as snoopicus comes out of his berserk rage he sees that...
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Glo'thorguk isn't actually a dwarf, but a shapeshifting monster of 'Aaaarrggh'. Having returned to it's original (?) form, it screams: 'Aaaarggh!', and advances towards Snoopicus.
Ofcourse. With an undwarven name like that, Snoopicus could have suspected as much.
But, since he didn't, he is totally dumbstruck, and in fact...
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The monster is about to trample the sandwich!
Snoopicus dives for it, and then...
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...Urist finishes removal of the wall holding back the magma flow while laughing maniacally! Magma pours into the tunnel, heading straight for Snoopicus!
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Is it by a +large. serrating disc+. He loose his left upper leg! Luckily, the 9 other discs cut the monster in small bit. Snoopicus begin to dump the monster's limbs when...
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Without any means for escape Snoopicus, thinking quickly, jumps onto the sandwhich and uses it as a magma surfing board on which "catch this most bodacious of waves".
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Riding the most bodacious of magma waves, Snoopicus arrives at a Bay Watch episode.
Pamela Anderson sees the sandwich and starts sobbing : 'Oh pleaaaase.. I want that Crab Sandwich'.
Moments later, she explodes in !!XXSilicon chunksXX!! as the lava engulfs her..
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Only to be halted as the mass of silicon acts as a dam against its advance.
Snoopics, on the other hand, leaps over the dam and...
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Quickly Builds a Silicon wall out of the chunks, just to be sure! The magma flow is diverted into a nearby lake which cools into obsidian and is immediately mined out by the dwarves to replenish their stocks of swords.
Snoopicus breathes a sigh of relief. All that heroics sure has made him hungry. He gazes down at the sweet delicious ham sandwich of life and death and prepares to take a bite...
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When the Town's Baron got angry because nobody dare to make him 6 gold chairs! He choose a random dwarf (aka Snoopicus) and send him in jail. He then notice this wonderful ham sandwich and...
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says: 'hey! Snoopicus! If you give me a piece of that sandwich, I will offer you pardon!'
'Well. Allright.' Snoopicus says.
He then breaks off a piece of the sandwich, and gives it to the Baron, who immediatly devours it and leaves with a satisfied smile.
Snoopicus stares at the rest of the sandwich, and...
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Notices it is a fake!
Snoopicus has entered a martial trance!
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Ten hours later at his court hearing Snoopicus says, "In my defense, that kitten was being a DICK" and then...
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A !!Banana sandwich!! flys into the courtroom!
Well, at least thats what everybody but snoopicus thought it was!
Snoopicus watches in horror as...
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His beloved sandwich, now encased in a protective casing of magma (it's dwarf bread) lands on the judges table. With a tap of his gavel, the judge breaks open the crust of basalt.
"Wow, that's a hell of a sandwich. Oh, dwarf bread! Just like mother used to forge.
Hey, is that rat in there..."
The gavel leaps up and smashes the judges head.
It is mangled.
In the confusion, Snoopicus dives for his sandwich when...
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The prosecution’s attorney yells "OBJECTION! That's not a rat or banana sandwich! That sandwich is made out of HAM!"
The courtroom fills with gasps and murmurs as snoopicus is seized and drug out of the courtroom, still carrying his beloved sandwich, screaming "I didn't do anything wrong! You'll live to regret this!!!!"
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He is thrown in a cage.
Still, he has his beautiful ham sandwich.
Ooh, and a stick.
That's a potential rat kebab to accompany it.
He jabs at a rat when...
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.. a robot appears, and opens the door to Snoopicus' cage, sighing: 'I am SO depressed.'
Snoopicus...
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Offers some sandwich to the robot to cheer him up.
"Oh don't be stupid. Brain the size of a planet and all he does is offer me a ham sandwich. I'm going to leave you on you own for that, although I was going to do that anyway."
The robot wanders off complaining about a terrible pain in all the diodes down it's left side.
Snoopicus decides to...
-
Scream at the robot to get out because this isnt hitchhikers guide to the galaxy.
-
The robot vanishes, still moaning about diodes, whatever they are.
Snoopicus wanders out of the prison and into a long, winding corridor. At the end, there is a single wall of bluish, fibrous rock. It is very strong. He burrows through it with his sandwich to hide in a little room until eveyone forgets about his prison break.
Hey, this room is pretty warm, and there are some pictures on the walls and floor to keep him amused.
Hey, there are even people to talk to here, although they are chained up and all.
Snoopicus sits down to eat his sandwich when...
-
Demons fly out of a pit!
They tell snoopicus to give them his turkey sandwich or they kill hi-
And then they all promptly exploded.
-
One of the other people in the pit decides to tell a little story about how "ham" means "meat from the leg" and so "turkey ham" is perfectly acceptable - it's just another type of ham.
Fortunately a demon emerges from a pit, devours him, burps, apologises, and returns from whence it came.
All this passes Snoopicus by, as he focusses on the sandwich, and is just about to bite into it when...
-
Some idiot overseer decides that letting the entire ocean out into the pits will wash the demons away. Little does he know that poor Snoopicus is down there.
The sheer amount of water is about to squash him when...
-
He breaks out a large *Toothpick*...
He does some pretty cool moves with it and...
-
suddenly everything around him starts moving extremely slow. Dogs are standing in place! !!*Toothpick*!!s are flying slowly, taking several seconds to move anywhere! Snoopicus realises the processor must be freaking out trying to simulate the fluid dynamics of draining an entire ocean! He takes this slowed down time to ponder biting that delicious ham sandwich he's been holding when...
-
Winter comes, and it all freezes instantly.
(look, it was a magical freshwater ocean)
Snoopicus licks his way out of the ice.
He finally comes out, tongue totally numb, and looks for that overseer.
But first, the sandwich. he opens his mouth when...
-
He realizes his teeth have frozen, and his mouth is stuck!
He decides to go for a swim in the lava to melt the ice when...
-
A cleaner tells him to stop!
"Look at that lava, it's filthy, I'll just sweep it for you."
The cleaner jumps into the lava, armed with a broom, and is vaporised into a puff of smoke and ash.
3 other cleaners commit suicide in this way before Snoopicus...
-
Cancels swim in lava: Thirsty
Snoopicus heads down to the booze supply, sandwich still in hand, figuring a good swig of dwarven rum would melt the ice holding his teeth together. Unfortunately, he remembers only too late that the booze stockpile exploded earlier today in one of the amazing random events surrounding his quest to consume the delicious sandwich.
Undetered, Snoopicus decides to rub the sandwich against his mouth in despiration when...
-
...a handy heat source arrives, in the form of a Dragon. After spending 5 minutes trying to mime "Please melt the ice welding my mouth shut so that I can eat this delicious ham sandwich", Snoopicus gives up on charades and looks for something to write with.
Meanwhile, the Dragon spots the sandwich, and...
-
It tries to blast away Snoopicus to get this invincible yet tasty sandwich.
In doing so, it melts the ice, allowing Snoopicus to bite it's legs off.
After finishing his roast dragon leg, he looks at the sandwich.
He opens his mouth when...
-
He remembers that he still has no teeth. Ah.. that would explain the difficulty he had with gulping down the dragon roast.
Snoopicus remembers old legends of 'The Undefined Boiling Point, or how Urist froze to death'.
He thinks : 'There must be a way to undefine the sandwich's boiling point, and turn it into liquid, so that I can drink it'
Snoopicus heads out in search of the Raws, when....
-
... he remember that only the Player himself can access them!
Snoopicus, still mayor, mandates for an undefining of boiling point, sandwich.
He threatens to sacrifice the souls of a million soapers should his mandate go unfulfilled!
What will the Player do? Find out in- no, wait, I already did that.
Anyways, the Player...
-
... decide to kill Snoopicus for his silly mandates. Snoopicus suddently feel a urgent need to go in the Atomcrusher when...
-
... the King arrives, dressed as a peasant. The Player, getting the King for the very first time, is utterly confused, rushing to the forum to seek answers.
And thus, Snoopicus untimely execution is completely forgotten by the Player.
Snoopicus steps out of the Atomcrusher...
-
But then decides to take a nap! His bed, having been blown up, was gone, so he fell asleep in the doorway to the atomcrusher. Suddenally . . .
-
...the player stops checking the wiki about the king and sees Snoopicus sleeping in the way of the dwarvin atom crusher and...
-
Demands that the lever to the atom crusher be pulled. As the atom crusher begins flying down towards Snoopicus...
-
... the player screams in rage as the bridge misses him by a close margin! Luckly for him he fell asleep in the doorway, and the bridge doesn't reach that far! He keeps sleeping until...
-
It's another siege!
Of ender goblins.
Snoopicus had quite forgotten that he was still in a squad, and soon finds himself at the foot of the Beast.
What shall I do, he thinks...
-
While he is wasting his time thinking, a kitten runs past him and devours the ender goblins...
Snoopicus watches in horror as his favourite ender goblin is being eaten alive..
-
'Snoopicus is throwing a tantrum!'
Enraged by the loss of his beloved ender goblin, Snoopicus begins running around the fortress attacking people and somehow toppling sturdy stone constructions. After causing all this damage, Snoopicus calms down, only to find that in his rage he threw the sandwich at someone, hitting all of their vital organs, severing all their limbs and causing their head to explode and covering the entire area in dwarf parts.
Snoopicus begins to sift through the gore for his sandwich when...
-
... Snoopicus cancels find object: interrupted by Gobblin Masterthief!
Snoopicus sees the goblin running away as fast as he can, towards the gates with the sandwich! Luckly for the goblin, he is too focused on running for his life than to think of what he is holding and therefore isn't thinking of the sandwich!
Snoopicus yells in outrage and is about to chase after the goblin when...
-
A herd of !!skeletal elephants!! crushes the goblin thief.
The sandwich, however, stays in his grasp.
Snoopicus looks towards the goblin and realizes he must now...
-
Make a run for it, and grab the sandwich. Oh.. And ofcourse, Snoopicus just can't resist to take that !!small pig tail sock!! as well. It is so lovely..
-
But treacherous!
As Snoopicus reaches for the sacred !!sock!! a dwarf runs in front of him and grabs it.
He immediately catches on fire, and runs away to infect the rest of the settlement.
Snoopicus, noticing the carnage, opts to...
-
A.) Run away.
B.) Fight.
C.) Throw rock.
-
'Snoopcius cancels make decision, interrupted by !!skeletal elephant!!'
Realising the the glowing elephants are still right next to him, Snoopicus lunges forward for the sandwich which, despite being surrounded by burning clothing, is still in perfect condition.
Upon snatching the sandwich from the goblins dead hands, he does a triple flip and somehow lands behind the elephants, buts as he turns around to run away...
-
He remembers his mandate has expired!
Enraged, he commands all law enforcement in the fortress to eliminate those who are guilty.
ARE ALL GUILTY.
Thus...
-
He has to send the sandwich in jail, along with all the surviving dwarves (aka, him)! Snoopicus is now locked in a cage, and he can't reach his sandwich anymore. He's trying to dig a way out of the cage with his !!Pig Tail Sock!! when...
-
... a peasant de-constructs the cage Snoopicus is in, realeasing him and then running off to set a cage trap with it. Snoopicus is stunned and drops all his !!clothing!! in his rush to the sandwich. But then...
-
... he realizes he must be hallucinating, for how could the peasant release him when all were imprisoned?
He snaps out of the hallucination to find himself...
-
...Still wearing !!clothes!!.. Snoopicus catches on fire and is burning fast.
Even though the pain is more agonizing than he could possibly imagine, he doesn't die.
The sandwich is keeping him alive, even though he is burning up.
He passes out from pain. When he comes to, Snoopicus finds himself transformed by the flames, into an ash elemental. The pain is gone, and....
-
The immigrants are coming! As in any dwarven immigration wave, at least 50% of the migrants are Soap Maker. They all rush on the ash elemental to make soap when...
-
One of them pulls a lever. All immigrants fall off a strategically placed bridge into their deaths.
Snoopicus, trapped on the other side of the bridge, ...
-
Decide to take a bite in his sandwich, when...
-
Random Dwarf cancels unimportant task: Worshipping Ash Elemental!
Snoopicus soon finds himself with several dwarf worshippers, all pleading for a miracle to prove to the heathen dwarves that Snoopicus really did survive death to become an immortal elemental of ash! He raises the sandwich high and...
-
It is stolen by a zombie carp!
-
Wich then is eaten by a kitten.
Snoopicus tries to reach for the sandwich when...
-
???
Did i kill the thread :(?
-
No. Replies just take some time.
Anyways.
... he realizes it is inside the kitten! He decides to drag the kitten to the butchery when...
-
Urist McKitten has adopted Snoopicus!
-
Snoopicus cancels kill kitten: nobody masturbating. ::)
Staring at the kitten that now cannot be butchered, Snoopicus decides in order to get that delicious ham sandwich he must construct an elaborate death trap that will kill the kitten and free the sandwich. He must do it quickly too! As it is only a matter of time before the sandwich is digested!
-
Suddenly, the kitten meows in pain.
A bulge appears in it's chest.
A piece of ham burts out! It kills the kitten!
Snoopicus, horrified, quickly decides to...
-
Tan the kitten's hide. He totally forgot the sandwich, when...
-
Snoopicus cancels Tan Hide: Interrupted by raccoon.
The raccoon races in front of him and grabs the ham sandwich, scurrying towards the door...
-
Snoopicus suddenly remembers his unfufilled boiling point mandate. He promptly . . .
-
Spews fourth boiling ash from his mouth, his eyes glowing like great embers and his mouth a caldera of heat and pain. The ash cloud reaches the raccoon, boiling off its skin and flash. All that remains is a charred skeleton and a sandwhich that is oddly unaffected.
Snoopicus then spots a figure behind the bones, coming through the dust. Its.. Sucipoons the dreaded obsidian golem!
-
Snoopicus orders a random peasant to be jailed for the bioling mandate. Snoop pulls out his dart set so that he can decide who the unlucky sap is and . . .
-
Likot the soap maker is chosen! He is ordered to a beating and 26 days in jail. Meanwhile the Obsidian golem Sucipoons treads closer, as Snoopicous brings the sandwich up to take a bite the golem looks down and groans "Rargh! I'm going to smash your bones and steal that delicious Felsite Sandwich!"
-
A live worm flies out of nowhere.
The spinning live worm hits Sucipoons the Obsidian Golem in the head.
The head is smashed into the body, an unrecognisable mass.
Sucipoons the Obsidian Golem has been shot and killed.
The sneaking Elf adventurer takes aim at Snoopicus with a live beetle when...
-
The elf catches a glimpse of the sandwich. "Is dat sum delicious Pigtail Roast Sandwich?", says the elf, which leads to his pack full of roaches devouring him. Snoopicus picks up the ham sandwich and decides to rub it on his face to get the most out of the deliciousness. Then he...
-
gasps in horror. He got ash on the sandwhich!? Snoopicus is forced to
-
Find the ashery to properly wash off the ash, but when he does, he realizes he's made caustic potash which clings to the sandwich...
-
Yelling to Num the Foggy Pelt, God of Weather and Seasons, Snoopicus says,
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Then,
-
A farmerdwarf walks up to the ashery looking for potash to fertilize a field. After he sees the sandwich Snoopicus is holding...
The flying ash log hits Urist Ironbucker in the head!
It explodes into gore!
-
snoopicus rejoices when he discovered the ash log came from the ash on the sandwich (which no longer has ash on it) but then random dwarf has been taken by a secretive mood! who then proceeds to...
-
Try to steal the sandwich to serve as a base for his Artifact Ham Sandwich floodgate! Et rush at snoopicus, when...
-
The player cleaverly forbids the ham sandwhich.
-
Suddenly, Snoopicus decide that he will not touch this ham sandwich for all the booze of the world. He start to go out to grab a !!XXNarrow giant cave spider silk sockXX!! when...
-
A ham sandwich golem lumbers into the room, looking for something to patch up the rent in it's torso. It spies the Ham Sandwich of Life of Death and...
-
attempts to patch his hole with it but then...
-
Snoopicus spots the Ham Sandwich golem and feels the hunger again. This time, though, the object of his intended consumption has no way of defending against the teeth of devouring. Snoopicus feasts merrily on the helpless ham sandwich golem, ignoring the Ham Sandwich of Life and Death completely. But then...
-
He decide that there is a lot more to eat in the golem than in the sandwich. He start to bite the golem, when...
-
The player does an area reclaim on the whole fort to try and get the few surviving dwarves to clean up the massive mess, and thus accidentally reclaims the ham sandwich!
Snoopicus, seeing his sandwich is accessible once again...
-
Attempts to take a bite when
Snoopicus cancels eat Ham sandwich: Item misplaced
The sandwich is gone! Delicious ham and cheese gone! Toasted whole wheat bun, GONE!!!
Snoopicus is about to enter a martial trance from anger when...
-
The player decide that he has played enough for today and turn off the computer.
-
but then the sandwich turns the computer back on! then..
-
...updates to the latest version. The dwarves all fall into an immediate deep sleep from which they cannot be woken. Snoopicus lies on the bare rock of the tunnel, hugging the ham sandwich to him like a teddy bear, as...
-
...Toady fixes the naughty bugs!
-
then all the dwarves wake up and see the sandwich they then,
-
crawls toward the sandwich and are just about to snatch it when...
-
A cougar drunk appears!
-
The cougar drunk is suddenly vaporized by a group of dwarves called "Bug exterminators"
One turns to the other and says though a radio:
*Czzk*"Contaminated dwarves found."*Czzk*
*Czzk*"ELIMINATE."*Czzk*
-
*Czzk* Peanut butter sandwich fou- gurgle agh my spleen *Czzk*
Snoopicus steps over the writhing corpses and looks at the sandwich.
At last, he will have his meal. Or will he?
-
ONLY TIME WILL TELL. AND NOW IS THE TIME!
Snoopicus cancels eat ham sandwich: interrupted by rain of carp!
-
A pack of skelephants runs by and eats the carp.
-
The skelephants are then attacked by Skelk!! (Not on fire) The skelephants are quickly destroyed. In the confusion, Snoopicus crawls towards the you-know-what.
-
Suddenly, a shadow throws itself onto the field. It is a towering figure of grime and sludge, wielding an axe.
It is here for the skelk.
The skelk are here for it.
A vile force of dwarviness has arrived!
-
The axe makes quick work of the skelks, and then the dwarf turns to Snoopicus. "That is my crumpe-" he says, before exploding into gore, which is covered in grime. Snoopicus shrugs and goes to take a bite when...
-
the very frabic of space and time comes unraveled as an infinite paradox feedback loop is created. The only hope is to
-
have Snoopicus eat the sammich.
Snoopicus eats the sammich, but not his beloved <<*Ham Sandwich of Life or Death!*>>. He then decides to...
-
Reboot, saving the universe from the tear in space-time.
After this minor work of saving the world, Snoopicus finds himself a few thousand years back in time...
-
where he is attacked by the ancient ancestor of the carp!
the carposauras rex!
-
but just before the carposauras rex devours snoopicus the world around him changes because the user has decided to change the parameters so there are only good squares
-
Snoopicus is surrounded by unicorns!
-
The Ham Sandwich of Life or Death decides that this is too good a fate for Snoopicus and all the trouble he's put it through.
A legion of skeletal goblin archers riding tamed War Bronze Colossi, fully outfitted in plundered adamantite armor, weapons, and arrow stacks with matching quivers proceed to decimate the unicorns, finally turning their attention on Snoopicus before
-
One skeleton speaks in a disembodied voice saying,ooh refried bean sand...
*shatter*
The Ham Sandwich of Life or Death decides it doesn't like this batch and decides to spice it up a little more by conjuring forth a game show style wheel(complete with babes),on the wheel can be read...
Carp golem army.
acidic rain demons.
flesh eating ham sandwiches.
UFO abduction.
Snoopicus spins the wheel and it lands on...
-
The sandwich! Trapped under the still-spinning wheel, it is helpless against the advance of Snoopicus! Or is it?...
-
Find out after this message from our supporters!
-
Carp mayo, no ham sandwich is complete without it!
Now back to our feature presentation...
-
The Sandwhich vanishes in a cloud of smoke!
When it has cleared, the Sandwich is gone!
Snoopicus thinks, "It can't of gone far;
-
So he heads out to find it,
where he is attacked by uber-carp!
But then a unicorn kills them all!
And then a dragon kills the unicorn with firebreath!
(See, I did a bunch of posts for you guys!)
-
A titan happens by, strangles the dragon to death, tans its hide, makes a dragon leather loincloth, puts it on and stops being a member of the Titanic nudist colony.
He also pats Snoopicus on the head and then wanders off whistling a merry tune.
Snoopicus feels something vaguely sandwich-feeling on top of his head...
-
And realizes its there! Right in front of his eyes! A... leather hat...
But on top of the hat is the Ham Sandwich of Life of Death! Right before and above his eyes! By Geb, this could be it!
-
He takes it in his shaking hands and tries to grab a bite...
But is stopped by the sound of a lever!
-
"PULL ME!!!" screams the lever.
Snoopicus has no choice but to go pull the lever, but just as he is about to pull it the player sets it on repeat.
Snoopicus will be stuck forever pulling the lever unless...
-
The spike traps which the lever controls have done their job: making Swiss cheese out of that pesky consort who wanted adamantine thongs. Now, with that out of the way...
-
The player turns off the lever! Snoopicus rubs his sore fingers, which have begun to smell like the sweet delicious ham sandwich!
He goes to bite the sandwich, moving it toward his mouth...
-
The Ghostbusters arrive!
They precede to move the sandwich towards the (wtfs that thing called again?) when...
-
A crack in the space time continuum occurs! The ghostbusters are replaced with goats who all imagine the HSoL&D as a pig tail sock they'd love to munch on.
Snoopicus is sheltered from the rain of goat parts by...
-
a Gator Skin umbrella, which provides him so-so stench resistance!
After the blood and gore have settled, Snoopicus grabs the sandwich in both hands and proceeds to take a bite!
What's this?! NO TEETH! All of his teeth have fallen out! Snoopicus gums the sandwich while he makes his way to the Dwarven Dentist!
-
As Snoopicus heads off gumming a rat and lizard sandwich, the Ham Sandwich of Life and Death is picked up by an inquisitive raccoon. Who carries it off of the map. It isn't hungry, and also recognizes the HSoL&D as a ham sandwich.
A raccoon has stolen a Ham Sandwich of Life and Death!
(Adventure mode time ;))
-
With new teeth of pure adamantine, Snoopicus, a proficent sandwich user, embarks on his quest to reclaim
-
the you know what!
he finds the raccoon but it isn't a raccoon its a goblin baby snatcher who thought he was a raccoon. now he realizes the only reason he took the sammich was he thought it was a baby! suddenly...
-
Splat! The goblin snatcher explodes in a cloud of gore!
Picking up the sandwitch, he goes for a bite when...
-
The true thief of the HSoL&D steps from the shadows. Gnarledtorches the Grim Pantomimes of Tuna the raccoon points his celestrium arbalest at Snoopicus and says: "Squeak." Then he pulls the trigger.
-
But it back fires and the cord chops it in two.
Confused, Snoopicus looks at the SoLaD and relises...
-
... it does not love him. No emotions run in it's cold, hammy heart.
Heart- broken, Snoopicus...
-
yells at the SoLaD: "If you won't love me, then I shall destroy you!!" He proceeds to gather his gear for a quest...
-
but is ambushed by 10 skeleagles
-
The skeleagles are all overtaken by a consuming desire to have that sandwitch! Trying to carefully pluck the sandwitch from the dwarfs hand with their gigantic, razor-sharp, skeletal talons without damaging it, they manage to...
-
completely disembowl each other!
Even more confused now, Snoopicus' face reddens with rage! This is the sandwitch's fault! He must destroy it to save the world! In a blind rage, he leaps at the SoLaD when...
-
the skeleagles realize they dont have any bowels to disembowl!
-
They then take out their outrage on the elk meat sandw-
The spinning !!elf skull!! hits the skeleagles in the lower body!
It explodes in gore!
As the flaming remains fall to the ground, snoopicus realises...
-
That was all just a big misunderstanding, reaches over and hugs the HSoLaD. Still hungry he goes to eat the sandwhich when..
-
A goblin bolt comes out of nowhere and hits Snoopicus in the chest!
The Iron bolt strikes Snoopicus's right lung! It is mangled!
The Iron bolt strikes Snoopicus's splien! It is mangled!
The Iron bolt strikes Snoopicus's stomach! It is mangled!
The Iron bolt strikes Snoopicus's left testicle! It is mangled!
The Iron bolt strikes Snoopicus's garfarblat! It is bruised!
Near death, Snoopicus decides to grab the sandwich and take a hike one mile north. Magically he is healed! He goes to take a bite when...
-
He realises the iron bolt is still embedded in his chest, and that it's the only thing keeping him from dying.
-
suddenly,
An ambush! Curse them!
10 goblin wrestlers pounce from the shadows towards Snoopicus! 3 of them reaching for the iron bolt imbedded in his chest! Oh-noes!
-
Those same 3 see the sandwich, and simultaneously say 'Is that a sea lamprey melt?' They burst into giant flocks of butterfly, and chase off the remaining attackers. This is the perfect time to eat the sandwhich, he bites into... a rock... He gives into pain... He goes unconscious... He awakes to eat the sandwich when...
-
snoopicus cancels eat sandwich: skeletal zombie carp
-
Screaming with fear, Snoopicus flees for his life, running as fast as his stumpy legs can carry him, which is quite fast supprisingly.
Suddenly realising that he dropped the sandwich when he fled, he turns to see...
-
The skeletal zombie carp being pounded on by a huge ham sandwich golem.
This is madness!
-
Madness?
THIS IS ....
Yeah, it is pretty mad. :P
As his prior acquaintance beats the hapless undead undead fish (not a typo), Snoopicus grabs the HSoL&D and makes a run for it. He doesn't notice the giant potted venus flytrap-like plant with big teeth singing something about being a mean green mother from outer space, and trips over one of it's roots.
-
It spots Snoopicus and yells:
"Its supper time! GET IN MAH BELLEH!!"
Its vines whip towards the helpless Snoopicus and are about to grab him when...
-
He does a barrel roll, escaping the plant.
He lands, and looks around when...
-
Some migrants have arived.
Seeing the stream of Soapers, Cheese Makers, and Children, Snoopicus decides to
-
Ponder upon the greatest unanswered question in the universe: would the Ham Sandwich of Life & Death be improved by adding some cheese to it?
-
Suddenally, all of the Cheese Makers become Royal Guards and the objects of Snoopicus's pondering are removed. Thenew gaurds attempt to find shields when . . .
-
they decide they all REALLY want a snicker doodle!
-
Off Topic: I noticed rule 4 has been broken quite a bit...
-
Off Topic: I noticed rule 4 has been broken quite a bit...
After this, no one posted for a looong while. I propose adding an additional rule 13: No discusion of the rules.
The royal guards move the PlumpHemet {5} and the kitten tallow [3] to the kitchen and
-
are inturppted by a Bronze Colossus!
They all flee for their lives, forgetting that its their job to fight the thing which is to the amazement of snoopicus. Snoopicus then...
-
...vaporizes as the world is deleted to make way for a new version.
After worldgen finishes, Snoopicus is spawned as a Play Now! (the player did some modding) adventurer in a human town with no clothes or equipment except the HSoL&D. He talks to the resident human pikemaster who asks him to come closer and ask again. Snoopicus then...
-
...throws the HSoLoD at the pikemaster, which decapitates him. Smiling, Snoopicus picks up the pike and sandwich, then...
-
The child regains consciousness!
The shopkeeper regains consciousness!
The child regains consciousness!
The child regains consciousness!
The guard regains consciousness!
The farmer regains consciousness!
The fishery worker regains consciousness!
The guard regains consciousness!
The child regains consciousness!
The bowman regains consciousness!
The farmer regains consciousness!
The entire town begins waking up simultaneously! Seeing their dead pikemaster, then seeing the sandwich, they all being running at Snoopicus blindly. An arrow comes flying past snoopicus, hitting a tree.
Quickly, Snoopicus decides to....
-
- "PULL ME", yells a lever, interrupting Snoopicus' thoughts.
Hypnotized, he runs towards the -Dolomite lever-, pulls it and...
-
...Opening a floodgate to a lava channel at the top of the valley the village is situated within. Deciding that he would not like his sandwich toasted, Snoopicus flees...
-
The Snoopicus Flees attack!!
(The player made some other mods and can't spell)
H H F F @
H C F F *
-
The Flees (sic) attack the three horses and the camel while the humans from the village continue to chase Snoopicus.
UUUUUU UU U U *@/
-
Snoopicus runs, as fast as his stubby legs can carry him, to the top of the valley just making it before the lava roasts all the humans in his wake!
-
It is just then that Snoopicus realizes that the pike is too large (2-handed) for him to use at the same time as carrying the HSoL&D and decides to eat the HSoL&D now to free up his hands.
He moves to take a bite when...
-
...He realizises he has just bitten down hard onto the end of a steel tipped pike.
-
Thankfully, he bit down on the handle end, it could have been REALLY painful if he had bitten down on the sharp bit. At that moment Snoopicus realises that the last part of his tattered clothing has fallen off. He begins complaining to no end about how he HATES being naked despite the fact that all he had been wearing for the last few days was a glove.
Snoopicus is about to throw a tantrum over this when....
-
... he remembers he still has his left sock.
Content, he continues onwards to...
-
stop dead in his tracks. "Didn't I start with no clothes at all? Where'd I get this -<*Pig Tail Sock*>-
-
Snoopicus explodes due to confusing the HSoL&D for a -<*pig tail sock*>-.
Our hero of the same name then flicks the 'Snoopicus' third toe, right foot' off his shoulder and reclaims the HSoL&D from the 'corpse'.
Dern same name dwarf stealin' his stuff.
Spoopicus has to leave the spear behind, since he still has no clothes or backpack.
As he walks further he comes across a goblin babysnatcher who has is carrying a wriggling sack in one hand, an iron dagger in the other and is wearing various pieces of narrow (to Snoopicus) clothing.
Snoopicus decides to...
-
rescue the chi...and proceeds to trip over a blade of grass sending the HSoL&D flying chopping off both the goblins hands and freeing the -cannible elf baby- which proceeds to dine on it's captor when suddenly...
-
He looks at the HSoL&D, saying:
"My! Is that a -Dwarf Meat Sandwi-"
The Elf Child has been struck down.
You pick up the HSoL&D.
The Dragon Bobby Firebreather has arrived!
-
Snoop Goes To Wear The Bag.
-
He 'wears' the bag in his left hand and stuff the goblin's and dead elf's cloths into it, along with the HSoL&D and wields the iron dagger in his right hand.
The dragon (Bobby Firebreather) picks up a -goblin bone earring- from the half eaten gobbo corpse and makes a run for his cave.
Snoopicus continues on his way when he comes upon another human town.
He sees the following:
U [ U [ U
[ U \ U [
[ U U U
As the humans and unicorns fight, Snoopicus decides to...
-
charge at the unicorns for no reason!
-
One of the unicorns sees Snoopicus coming, and sensing the almighty power of the Ham sandwich of Life and Death emanating from his ridiculous looking gigantic blue titanskin kidnap satchel, charges towards Snoop. They are about to collide head on with one another when...
-
Our old friend the sandwich golem cuts in!
He sends the unicorn flying and it hits the ground as a unicorn leather robe, unicorn horn crown, unicorn bone greaves and -unicorn meat sandwich-. All the clothes/equipment are dwarf sized and Snoopicus puts them on. The sandwich golem adds the -unicorn meat sandwich- to itself and leaves with a fond farewell.
By the time Snoopicus is done gearing himself up, the combat is over. The surviving humans go back to the meadhall to get drunk and leave behind the corpses, and weapons, of their comrades.
An -iron battle axe- particulary catches Snoopicus' eye...
-
He picks it up and cries:
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
He then...
-
Realises that he was REALLY thirsty. Seeing a barrel full of Dwarven Wine he proceeds to drop his axe and, oblivious to the carnage around him, begins drinking.
Just as he was finishing his drink...
Edit: Barrel... not berrel...
-
He grabs his axe and goes on a human town rampage, as he realises that one of them took the HSoLaD!
He races through the town...
-
And then stops as he realizes the HSoL&D is still in his trusty *giant glowing blue titan leather bag*. Then he gets mobbed by 20 human children...
-
...Who fit handily into the bag.
SNATCHER! PROTECT THE CHILDREN!
-
The bag rumbles slightly as 7 of the children mistake the HSoL&D for a quarry bush leaves roast. The bag then starts tussling around as the remaining children start fighting over the HSoL&D.
Fearing that one of the children might eat his beloved sandwich, Snoopicus...
-
Starts banging the bag against a nearby wall in the hopes of stopping the children!
However...
-
He is interrupted as an even larger herd of unicorns moves in from the East, it appears this time they look even wilder and ready to stomp Snoopicus into past. He looks up and then....
-
decides to attempt to aprecaite the natural beuaty of them, hopefully allowing him extra abilties!
-
It was later. Trampling had happened.
Snoopicus got up out of the pool of mud and unicorn meat he was lying in and looked around. The human village was well on fire by now, and the remaining unicorns had moved on.
He searched around and located his blue Titanskin bag among the blood smeared undergrowth, but on reaching for it, noticed a single set of small human footprints leading away from the bag and towards the river to the east.
The sandwich is, of course, gone.
-
And so is Snoopicus' sanity.
Snoopicus has gone berserk!
-
The bag cancels be a bag, in a meeting.
Snoopicus has calmed down
The bag is more expereinced.
The bar has become a novice pacifier!
-
Merely upset now, rather than miserable, Snoopicus begins following the footprints to the river, flashing red all the way. When he gets there he sighed dejectedly, noticing the footprints stopped before he reached the edge.
Looking over the bank Snoopicus notices a pair of alligators, a crocodile, and a chihuahua playing cards directly next too none other but the HAM SANDWICH OF LIFE AND DEATH. As Snoopicus plans his next action suddenly...
-
And after doing his sudden preparations, slowly and carefully carries out his plan...
-
He rushes up to the animals and the sandwich and screams;
Look! Over there! IS THAT A BRONZE COLOSSUS?
They all look (except for the sandwich who hasn't got eyes) and while they are looking, Snoopicus grabs the sandwich and runs!
Meanwhile...
-
A pixie happened to be walking her dragonfly at that exact moment where Snoopicus' feet were. In a tangle the dwarf, bug, and pixie fell down and rolled towards the bank of the river, the HSoLoF flying from his grip. At the same time the Chihuahua turned and said, "I don't see any colloss....Hey! He's trying to steal our Turkey and Mayo Sandwich!" which caused...
-
... Them to disappear, that very sandwich was their only connection to Earth, meanwhile Snoopicus trip over the ☼Three-Ham Amulet☼, conjured by the gods to warn Snoopicus of...
-
The fat inducing qualities of ham!
Stunned by this development, Snoopicus...
-
... Is attacked by five ZOMBIE carps, and the ☼Three-Han Amulet☼ saves Snoopicus because of the carbs and fat it gave them!!! Now, ...
-
the food police appear, screaming, "PUT THE FATTY SANDWHICH DOWN! WE ARE HERE FOR YOUR PROTECTION.
They spontaneously combust for some reason . . .
-
Snoopicus uses the diversion to do away with the now living carp, flogging them to death with his three-ham amulet. He quickly stuffs the corpses into his titanskin bag, ties the amulet round his neck and begins to wade downstream in search of his beloved ham sandwich. He spots it in the distance, wedged upon a...
-
... huge skeletal whale's rib. Blind to the fact that there was an incredibly frightening animal before him that could rip him in half in an instant (and oblivious to the strangeness of a whale being in a river). Snoopicus still continues on towards the HSoLoD, now getting rather annoyed at all the strange coincidences that have been preventing him form eating it.
Just as he gets to the skeletal whale...
-
The Thirty-Five champion dwarves of the king's royal guard, who have been training for years and have all maxed-out legendary stats and skills (As well as being armed in full adamantine) fall around him and say, "All right Snoopicus, stand back and let us handle this, we will get that truly succulent Ham Sandwitch for the king once and for all!"
Snoopicus then...
-
..Scrambles for cover as Royal guard pieces fly in all directions. Snoopicus has the handle of an admantite spear hit him. He grabs it up, turns to the face the zombie whale, now covered in the blood and various assorted armor and weapons of the royal guard. He Charges!!! Then.....
-
Snoopicus falls face first in the mud after tripping embarrassingly over the handle of his own spear.
The whale, after seeing this predicament...
-
Laughs so hard it falls apart, leaving the HSoLoD in the middle of the river. It starts to float downstream, towards...
-
The Chasm! Snoopicus lunges after the HSoLaD, over the brink of the chasm when...
-
It turns out I misspelled Omelet, so Snoopicus gets strangled by the ☼Three-Han Omelet☼ . As he...
-
The Nearby Magma pipe is brenched and the chasm is filled with magma, roasted critters, obsidion and the river re-directs itself Torwards...
-
This thread! The fracture of the fourth wall causes several events to un-happen and get mixed up. Snoopicus finds himself riding the ham sandwich golem while chasing a raccoon bandit carrying a glowing blue titanskin kidsack.
Snoopicus wonders where the HSoL&D is, then realizes...
-
It is in his hand!
Oh, and also that he has ridden right in front of the giant skeletal whale.
The whale notices Snoopicus and the sandwich he carries, and yells out in the most outrageous British accent ever:
"My, old chap, is that the Ham Sandwich of Life and Death you're carrying? I say, if it is, you're in quite a pickle. Luckily I know just the cure.
You see, the HSoL&D has an evil counterpart, the Peanut-Butter-and-Tuna-Sandwich of Mostly Death. When these two artifacts are brought to each other, they cancel each other out, becoming regular sandwiches. Mighty nice, isn't it? I also happen to have the PB&TSoMD, so we can destroy the HSoL&D once and for all!"
Snoopicus ponders for a moment and decides to...
-
... jump down from the ham sandwich golem and flee as fast as his stubby legs will carry him.
Snoopicus:"It's alright, the bone whale didn't really talk, you're not crazy..."
Whale:"WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME BACK!"
Snoopicus:"...unless you reply to it. Then you're crazy."
Whale:"...Well, bugger. This is what you get for helping the ungrateful little sods. I knew I should have just mauled him and pinched it. Say, that golem looks delicious..."
-
The golem promptly pulls out a
machine-pistol -bronze crossbow- and opens fire.
-
The bolts bounce off the sheer mass of bone of the whale as it lunges forward and attacks the golem!
Hearing a loud *THUD!*, Snoopicus....
-
Heads for the hills to he can eat his sandwich in peace. He stops by a large oak tree to rest, when...
-
Zombie fire imps spring out and set the tree alight as Snoopicus turns around he....
-
... sees the whale and the golem fight in the horizon! Who will win?
Dun dun dunn...
-
Snoopicus realizes how much trouble the sanwhich has caused, and decides to trade it away. He goes to the depot, and waits....and waits...and waits...
Dresdor, Broker, interrupts trade, conducting a meeting.
Dresdor, Broker, interrupts trade, taking a drink.
Dresdor, Broker, interrupts trade, asleep.
...
-
-The Merchants are leaving shortly-
The broker rushes up, but does not have enough mugs to trade to purchase a legendary artifact. Snoopicus climbs upon his one-humped camel, and leaves for the nearest town still standing.
Moments after, the broker yells and chases after him to get his camel back, but is crushed by a brawling golem and whale.
-
It seems, they are protecting something, but what, it seemed the sandwich wasn't the first food artifact they were attacking you for but what, the succulents Hams around your neck seem to be basting when it was around the Sandwich.
...
-
Snoopicus pulls the sandwich toward his mouth, spit dripping off his teeth in anticipation. But suddenly....
-
A vile force of darkness has arrived!
Elven siege!!
-
10 eleves shoot at snoopicus
1 elf hits with the ham sandwich with an arrow of wonder, restoring snoopicus' limbs, clothes, and sanity in the process
all elves subsequently bow to the glory of snoopicus and the legendary ham sandwich. All swear fealty to the owner and lord protect of its foodly magnificence.
as snoopicus once again raises the sandwich to his mouth...
-
An elf mistakenly bows to low and falls down a hill, breaking his neck and a rock. The other elves run to eat him, knocking Snoopicus spinning.
-
The sandwitch spins out of his grasp and into mid air, just in time to be grabbed by a Giant Eagle!
-
Then the giant eagle spalts against a rock, the sandwhich goes flying, and lands in Snoopicus' hands, perfectly intact.
-
Snoopicus smiles however he see's a large shadow cast over him and turns to see a giant herd of furious elephants, He picks up a small rock and....
-
Rock cancels be thrown: Taken by mood
Rock has claimed a Ham Sandwich of Life and Death!
Rock has begun a mysterious construction.
-
Then the giant eagle spalts against a rock, the sandwhich goes flying, and lands in Snoopicus' hands, perfectly intact.
1) The sandwich may never directly harm or lead to the direct harm/death of its possessor. The exception of this rule is laid out in rule number 5.
((tsk tsk))
The player, seeing his precious Ham Sandwich of Life and Death being used in a fairly common artifact in his rock fortress, quickly pauses the game and boots up DF companion and replaces it with Rock and rock. The rock quickly uses itself and creates the artifact Idshukar Savot Fathkal (Rocktall, the stand of food) a rock sandwich stand. This is a masterfully crafted sandwich stand, it menaces with spikes of rock and Rock.
Seeing this development, Snoopicus...
-
... decides to go on a quest to find the PB&TSoMD, and rid the world of the Twin Sandwich- Gods.
-
but he is then ignored for 13 long days, which he uses to . . .
-
Become an epic hero, praised across the land, sung about in sagas.
-
Snoopicus wonders about the sagas, what exactly did he do?
-
when he discovers he killed the giant eagle that, without mercy, stole roach meat!
-
Soon a whole flock of angry Giant eagles flies into view just as they div for Snoopicus's eyes he....
-
Grabs a conviently nearby keg of highly flamable ale, shakes it hard, grabs a nearby flaming carp by the tail and as the pressure builds up in the barrel of dwarven alcohol the cork flies out followed by a mist of petrol like alcohol! He lights this spray on fire and aims the long tongue of flame at the diving eagles, roasting them all!
After watching the charred ramains float to the ground, it occurs to snoopicus...
-
that the entire world has set on fire because of the flaming booze.
-
So Snoopicus quickly changes into his fireproof fire imp leather knickers.
-
And takes two weeks to come to unburned ground, before noticing he's misplaced the HSoLoD, he's also noticed that his beard is long enough for 3 dwarfs and burning when he suddenly...
-
sees bear cavalry, just over the hill!
-
he then says oh SH-
-
The bear calvary are stuck down, as if by a vengeful power. Snoopicus wonders, "...
-
"why do i feel so not hungry all of a sudden?"
-
"Oh well." Snoopicus says.
With his sandwich in his hand, and not much distraction, he attempts to eat it.
He actually sucessfully got through the magical forcefield!
Problem with taht?
"Snoopicus licks the Ham Sandwich of Life and Death"
Aw fuck, its not edible.
He proceeds to look for a legendary wizard to see if he can change the sandwich...
-
"Oh well." Snoopicus says.
With his sandwich in his hand, and not much distraction, he attempts to eat it.
He actually sucessfully got through the magical forcefield!
Problem with taht?
"Snoopicus licks the Ham Sandwich of Life and Death"
Aw fuck, its not edible.
He proceeds to look for a legendary wizard to see if he can change the sandwich...
ERROR. ERROR. UNIVERSE SHUTDOWN.
Cause: HSoL&D control of causality cannot be beaten.
Killer clown en route. Time machine primed. Mind control crown placed on Tyrannosaurus.
Reinitializing universe in 3...2...1...
Snoopicus attempts to eat the HSoL&D when he is suddenly interrupted by the sound of squeaky shoes...
-
As chunks of gore covered in makeup, a frilly clown suit, a rubber nose-ball, half a dozen water-squirting flowers, a banana-creme pie with whipped cream on the top, two dozen balloon animals, a tiny toy car, a pair of big floopy shoes, and a sign with the words 'Boy. That banana and chocolate-chip sandwich sure looks delicious.' written on it falls out of the sky and lands two meters, seven decimeters, five centimeters, and nine millimeters away from him.
Somewhat phased by this sudden and random occurrence, Snoopicus determines that a wizard must have done it! Keeping the sandwitch in the back of him mind (but, for some reason now armed with the knowlage that the sandwitch is not currently edible) he sets out to meet the wizard.
Along the way...
-
he finds an impossible triangle!
-
The combination of recent paradoxi cuase reality to melt.
Snoopicus finds himself in an elven retreat. He is wearing only a pig tail sock (on his right hand).
In front of him, an elf has the Sandwhich!
-
Fortunately, the elf is on a strict diet and only consumes dwarfmeat. The elf casts the sandwich aside.
Unfortunately, he then spots lunch. It is wearing a pig tail sock and looking longingly at the discarded sandwich.
-
Snoopicus, the elf, and the sandwhich form another impossible traingle, which melts reality, and Snoopicus finds himself holding The Ham Sandwich of Life and Death in one hand and the carnivorous elf in the other.
-
A gigantic skeletal flowerpot falls on them, yelling "Not again!".
-
Confused by the obscure hitchikers guide to the galaxy reference Snoopicus as well as injured by the falling pot Snoopicus drops the sandwhich and the elf and falls to the ground and then...
-
The elf climbs to its' feet, only to be struck down. By a falling whale.
The force of the falling whale blows the sandwich clear of the camp. It is some distance away by a vegetarian Kobold thief. Recognising it as a ham sandwich that it will not eat, it is nonetheless forced by its' nature to pinch the damn thing and run off home with it. Snoopicus awakes on the edge of the whale-crater and...
-
Gives in to pain . . .
-
... is what said whale did.
-
Snoopicus then noticed an ambush of kobolds coming for the remains of the whale! He proceeded to follow them in hope of finding that delicious yet tormenting sandwhich. As he got up he noticed something in the distance. It was...
-
...once a deadly evil goblin army of darkness, but is now but a small pile of sapient ashes. As the pile of ashes malevolently ... lies there, Snoopicus trods uncaringly over it (getting a evil sapient goblin ash covering layer in the process) in search of the sandwich. The covering of evil sapient goblin ashes on Snoopicus glowers at him, or would if it had eyes.
-
After sleeping for a month, Snoopicus looks around at the ashy wasteland.....and realizes that hes in FUCKING BOATMURDERED.
-
He turns and runs away as fast as he can.
Who says that dwarves aren't smart?
-
While running away, he notices an abundance of cold and skelk. A gigantic tower in the shape of a hammer rises above the horizon...
-
Snoop makes a decision. No more shout outs.
He then starts to dig his own fort by himself!
-
He suddenly gets migrants!
-
Snoopicus orders them to stand under a drawbridge.
-
They ignore snoopicus and instead grab his arms. with each migrant taking turns at kicking him in the crotch.
-
Snoopicus uses Pull the Lever!
Its super effective!
Migrant group has been struck down!
Snoopicus gains a log!
-
Snoopicus cancels build Fortress: interrupted by Skeletal ELK!!!
Running for his dear life Snoopicus comes across a obsidion Tower when he spots a Kobold with the HSoLaD being eaten by a Guru, When Suddenly...
(and who knew Capt. Ironblood settled so close to Boatmurdered, this thread is encrusted with epic win)
-
The ballista is fired! The !!☼ballista arrow☼!! somehow ignites remnants of alcohol from an abandoned fortress, launching the HSoLaD into the air! Snoop runs to catch it, when...
(The epiciness surrounding Boatmurdered still lingers, sorta like radiation. The Captain simply absorbs it and claims it as his own.)
(Alternate theory: Boatmurdered is nowhere near Nist Akath; Snoopicus can just run very, very fast.)
-
he trips and falls flat unto a cat. Strange.
((Its abilities remain mostly unknown, but there are several rules which govern its use/existance.
It might have an ability to defy space-time.))
-
The cat then gets up and very quickly...
-
..tears the face off a nearby dragon. The dragon is enraged! Then it...
-
... is smothered by a dwarven syrup golem, which then decides to...
-
burn the world. It starts...
-
to stockpile a large amount of elven named trees and booze when suddenly...
-
..a giant obsidian tower slams into the stockpile, sending the contents flying across the map. Goblins pour out of the tower, and....
-
(Wow that worked really well.)
...Ponder the meaning of life. As wind rushes by them a strange square shaped item comes flying towards them just as...
-
300 Bronze Collosi rush out of a cage in the tower, and begin wrecking the shit out of everything within an 80 mile radius.
-
Snoopicus is appalled and amazed by these goings on. He still flees though. Very, very fast.
((I finally discover this thread! Hooray!))
-
But he trips on a very big stick and falls into some mud...
-
... , for this was not normal mud, it was that cat's turd, Snoopicus...
-
...notices the ballista arrow and the sandwich has landed right in front of him, and he reaches to grab a bite...
(How come 80% of the items in this topic are !!on fire!!?)
-
And is thrown backwards with the sandwich as a dead goblin lands heavily infront of him
-
Snoopicus gets annoyed as the sandwhich seems to be covered with a mud covering on every part!
-
As Snoopicus is complaining about the layer of soil encasing the sandwich another dastardly kobold runs forth and steals it right out of his hand! He lifts the cat meat sandwich to his mouth and is about to take a bite when...
-
Jreengus occurs. In the aftermath, the HSOLOD goes flying, only to land in...
-
{what is jreengus? I've heard of it before}
-
(I think it's a kobold war cry thing? Whatever it means, he got hit hard enough to 'splode.)
...a chasm. It falls deep, on to a ledge heavily populated by half starved batmen who proceed to...
-
..realize that they are still in 2d, then proceed to be washed away by mama. The sandwich rides the flow closer to the chasm when suddenly...
(Its a kobold way of stating things. Jreengus is some sort of event. Kobolds dont say "In 1009 the battle between the hills of picking and the goblins of blah, blah blah; they just say " 1009: Jreengus occured.")
-
The Batmens' Mama finishes washing them, and they all make a dive for the sandwich.
(Sorry Eagle, I know it was a typo but I couldn't resist)
-
(>.< shit. That was stupid/awesome right there.)
But the sandwich goes off the edge of the chasm! As it plummets, followed by the batmen, a...
-
...half-mad Snoopicus drops onto the back of the lead Batman. Knocking it prone and crushing its' lungs, he proceeds to tear its' wings off. Just as the rest of the swarm of Batmen catch up, Snoopicus steps from the edge of the chasm, a wing in each hand, and attempts to fly after his beloved sandwich.
The Batmen cluster at the chasms edge. One near the front grunts out something to the tune of "Damn. I really wanted that marmot and mule sandwich", to the general grunting agreement of the other Batmen.
...
-
The cavern rumbles and the roof drops on the batmen, crushing them. Snoopicus collects his sandwich but the wings do little save slow his fall. He reaches the chasms bottom and lands softly, pausing to take in his surrounding. He notices...
-
..5 GCS crawling out of caves in the walls. He panics and..
-
Runs towards the booze stockpile.
-
What it's doing at the bottom of a chasm Snoopicus has no idea. He thanks armok, grabs a barrel of mediocre rum and hurls it at the GCS
The GCS webs it in midair with such a force that it shatters against the cave wall behind Snoopicus! Rum pools around his feet...
-
"Oh No! Da Hooch!"
Snoopicus sinks to his knees, attempting to drink the rum from the ground and simultaneously store as much of it in his beard as he can.
-
"Ack! Obsidian shards in teef!"
Mouth bleeding, Snoopicus recoils, narrowly dodging...
-
A fluffly Wambler!
Meep!
-
Snoopicus steps on it. "Meep?" he says to himself "wasn't it feep? Maybe he's foreign" Snoopicus moves through the caverns, and stops in the mouth of a shallow cave. He notices his rumbling stomach and decides to take a bite of his sandwich. He raises it to his mouth...
-
... and succeeds in pushing the razor sharp shards of Rum smeared obsidian further into his gums.
His subsequent loud screams draw the attention of those giant cave spiders...
-
Which rush towards him, launching webs as they go. Arcing through the air, the webs...
-
Slam into him! As he struggles for freedom, the spiders scuttle towards that delicious cheese sandwhich...
-
But a Kobold suddenly spring from ambush in front of the Spiders!
-
Empowered by the Rule of Cool, the Kobold Ninjamonkthief blurs into action, tearing into the Giant cave spiders in a full on, action-epic cinematic take down and drag out style thrashing.
Snoopicus looks on for a few seconds, bemused. Then he jumps up, ripping off the webbing and runs like buggery.
-
As the spiders explode Die Hard style behind him (a cheese sandwich? someone forgot to read the rules), Snoopicus rounds the corner of the cave, only to encounter several trolls. They react surprisingly quickly, running towards him and...
-
...The foremost Troll snatches the HSoL&D from Snoopicus' hands, knocking him to the ground. Halting, the Troll goes to eat the sandwich...
-
..suffers a massive aneurysm and dies. The other trolls suspect Snoopicus had something to do with it and one lashes out...
-
..."IF I MAKE A FORUM GAME AND CALL IT A STORY, CAN I PUT IT HERE?!?!" the troll screams! He reaches for his...
-
lash of +1 sarcastic comments! He strikes at Snoopicus!
-
The shot glances away!
Snoopicus successfully takes a small nibble from the cheese sandwhich, which causes the world to erupt in...
-
absolute mayhem! Snoopicus is born aloft on a gust of wind as the cavern collapses! He tumbles out into daylight, into a band of mercenary elves! Behind him, the mountain shakes as it begins to collapse.
-
Suddenly brought into the sunlight, Snoopicus vomits, piercing the lungs and hearts of all the elves in a broad spray! He collapses to his knees as the mountain, now just a large pile of rocks, ...
-
somehow manages to collapse further. A watching hoary marmot, armed to the teeth with a...
-
...!!xRope Reed Sockx!! and Snoop dives into a nearby chasm when...
-
The rope reed sock goes flying by his head, he's thankful that it missed. He falls and falls and
-
falls, while wondering why there is another chasm at the bottom of the first, when he suddenly sees a glow. The glow strengthens as he falls until it suddenly reveals itself to be...
-
A microline bridge constructed at the bottom of the chasm-within-the-chasm.
He braces for impact, when suddenly...
-
YOU HAVE STRUCK MICROLINE X29479123781098571985710948 happens! Snoopicus is frozen in the air and....
-
he realizes that he was the thing that struck the microcline. Ouch. The ham sandwich, however, not wanting to be covered by a spray of gore When Snoopicus explodes on impact...
-
Causes severe gas in Snoopicus. Snoopicus begins to float into the air! He begins to float away from the fortress when!
-
A fire imp sees him!
-
The fire imp tries to toast what it thinks is a +cat tallow roast+ when...
-
It's shot out of the air. Bolts zip around Snoopicus! He looks down. Dwarves are engaged in a skirmish with some goblins in the forest below and several snipers took the time to shoot the imp out of the air. Unfortunately a bolt grazes Snoopicus's side and he begins to deflate! He's plummeting towards the treetops!
-
When suddenly Elves spring from ambush!
(Seriously, WTF. We've got a fortress at the bottom of a bottomless chasm, which is at the bottom of another bottomless chasm, and the fortress has a forest next to it? The hell is going on??)
-
I posted that he made it out of the chasm and the fortress, which collapsed. The next poster ignored the fact and so I'm attempting to get it back on track.
EDIT: My bad, he got out, then dived into a nearby chasm. Since he was outside he naturally would, upon flying out, be outside, but people seem to have missed that.
-
The elves watch in horror as Snoopicus damages the treetops, they rush forward to make him pay for his crimes.
-
They scold him and send him to his room without supper when...
-
Elf cancels send to room: interrupted by goblin sandwich
upon which the elf explodes in gore and Snoopicus...
-
Watches in horror as the other elves gobble up the (conveniently) bite sized meat chunks of their fallen comrade.
-
The End :P
-
EPILOGUE
-
Snoopicus walks off into the sunset.
bang
straight into another story. Ow.
Snoopicus, after walking for days, enters a large castle-town!
-
A rather greedy beggar reaches for his mystical sandwich when...
-
Snoopicus murders him as he suddenly lashes out at the world around him. All he wanted to do was eat the sandwich!
Snoopicus has gone beserk!
The humans look at him in astonishment and...
-
One steps forward from the crowd.
Urist McHuman, Elite Drunk:I am Urist McHuman!
Urist McHuman, Elite Drunk:Prepare t... is that a delicious *sunshine roast*?...
-
Urist McHuman explodes in a manner similiar to that of a barrel of booze, melting all his human comrades in the crowd as well.
-
Snopicus runs to the keep and hits the wall of the keep with the Sandwhich.
-
The wall looms at Snoopicus reproachfully.
-
Snoopicus batters away the walls until a single staircase leaves the keep standing and then...
-
...The physics engine is updated, and, realizing the entire keep cannot rest on a single staircase, it begins to collapse! This may be the end for our hero! But he...
-
quickly reverts to an older version! Caught in mid collapse, with the sandwich resting beneath it, the castle wall...
-
screams "I must have physics!"
But the physics arent supplied quickly enough!
The castle wall becomes melancholy!
It tips over ominously toward Snoopicus and his Ham Sandwich!
-
when a powerful Dwarven warlock who implemented magic just moments ago stops the tower with telekinesis!
-
He then puts the tower back in its rightful place, saving both Snoopicus and the tower.
Suddenly, from the bushes...
-
A bush emerges! It's Bushy the bushy talking walking bush! The warlock looks at the bush and suddenly a flame appears in his hand. He pulls back his arm as if to throw it and then...
-
When the wizard looks at the sandwhich and says, "Can i have that *Warthog tallow roast sandwhich*...But suddenly he bursts into flame and explodes.
-
The Ham Sandwich of Life of Death is more experienced!
-
The Ham Sandwich of Life and Death is now Super Ham Sandwich of Life and Deathly Tough!
-
This is seperate, guys- continue your story as if nothing happened.
Snoopy Nilolon waited. The !!pixies!! above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There was a sandwich in the fortress. He didn't see it, but he had expected it now for years. His warnings to Mayor Atirtirist were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
Snoopy was a peasant for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the fortresses and he said ' I want to be in the fortresses daddy.'
Dad said 'No! You will be KILL BY UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST!'
There was a time when he believed him. But as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the fortress of the Anvils of Doubting he knew there was a sandwich.
'This is Dyerims' the mind control crackered. ' You must eat the sandwich!'
So Snoopy gotted his !!pig tail sock!! and blew up the wall.
'HE GOING TO EAT US' said the sandwich golems
'I will cause inexplicable things to happen to him' said the sandwich and he opened the !!plot holes!!. Snoopy socked at him and tried to blew him up. But then the cieling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
'No! I must eat the sandwich!' he shouted.
'No Snoopy. You ARE the sandwich.' said the radio.
And then Snoopy was the Mayor.
Bonus points to those who get the reference.
-
Wow. Epic. And im happy/sad to say that i get the reference. The original is so bad its hilarious.
-
The Ham Sandwich of Life and Death is now Super Ham Sandwich of Life and Deathly Tough!
Demonic Spoon suddenly implodes!
-
This is seperate, guys- continue your story as if nothing happened.
Snoopy Nilolon waited. The !!pixies!! above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There was a sandwich in the fortress. He didn't see it, but he had expected it now for years. His warnings to Mayor Atirtirist were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
Snoopy was a peasant for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the fortresses and he said ' I want to be in the fortresses daddy.'
Dad said 'No! You will be KILL BY UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST!'
There was a time when he believed him. But as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the fortress of the Anvils of Doubting he knew there was a sandwich.
'This is Dyerims' the mind control crackered. ' You must eat the sandwich!'
So Snoopy gotted his !!pig tail sock!! and blew up the wall.
'HE GOING TO EAT US' said the sandwich golems
'I will cause inexplicable things to happen to him' said the sandwich and he opened the !!plot holes!!. Snoopy socked at him and tried to blew him up. But then the cieling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
'No! I must eat the sandwich!' he shouted.
'No Snoopy. You ARE the sandwich.' said the radio.
And then Snoopy was the Mayor.
Bonus points to those who get the reference.
I don't think anyone doesn't get the reference
-
This is seperate, guys- continue your story as if nothing happened.
Snoopy Nilolon waited. The !!pixies!! above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There was a sandwich in the fortress. He didn't see it, but he had expected it now for years. His warnings to Mayor Atirtirist were not listened to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
Snoopy was a peasant for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the fortresses and he said ' I want to be in the fortresses daddy.'
Dad said 'No! You will be KILL BY UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST!'
There was a time when he believed him. But as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the fortress of the Anvils of Doubting he knew there was a sandwich.
'This is Dyerims' the mind control crackered. ' You must eat the sandwich!'
So Snoopy gotted his !!pig tail sock!! and blew up the wall.
'HE GOING TO EAT US' said the sandwich golems
'I will cause inexplicable things to happen to him' said the sandwich and he opened the !!plot holes!!. Snoopy socked at him and tried to blew him up. But then the cieling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.
'No! I must eat the sandwich!' he shouted.
'No Snoopy. You ARE the sandwich.' said the radio.
And then Snoopy was the Mayor.
Bonus points to those who get the reference.
I don't think anyone doesn't get the reference
true dat
-
The flaming Wizard chunks fly all over and light everything in the town but snoopicus and the sandwhich of life and death
-
... including the booze barrel stockpile Snoopicus was standing near!
-
Snoopicus notices a ☼<<☼Pig tail sock☼>>☼ and runs to get it, getting just out of the blast range just before the booze explodes and..
-
:) ;D ;D ;D :) :) ;D :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) :) :) ;D :) ;D ;D ;D :) :)
:) ;D :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) ;D :) ;D ;D :) :) :) ;D ;D :) ;D :( :( ;D :)
:) ;D :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) ;D :) ;D :) ;D :) ;D :( :( ;D :)
:) ;D ;D ;D :) :) ;D :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) ;D :) :) ;D :) ;D ;D ;D :) :)
:) ;D :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) :)
:) ;D :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) :)
:) ;D ;D ;D :) :) :) ;D ;D ;D :) :) ;D :) :) :) :) :) ;D :) ;D :) :) :) :)
-
...someone had a lot of time on their hands
-
He dives to grab the ☼<<☼Pig tail sock☼>>☼ when the ground collapses below him!
-
He looks down to see hundreds upoun hundreds of *steel spears* just 20 feet below him.
-
Fortunately Snoopicus remembers upright spikes and spears do no extra damage when you fall on them :D
-
Snoopicus lands and impales his 3rd toe on his left foot! Miraculously, his legs were not broken on impact.
-
However, they were bruised!
He decides to take three months bed rest, when...
-
he finds out there are no beds...
-
..and becomes melancholy!
-
He runs around crying and asking the gods why,until....
-
The gods tell him, "Snoopicus. You are going through a midlife crisis. Get over it."
-
He promptly goes and buys a new sportswagoon and dates a girl that is 100 years younger then him until...
-
The spinning !!Dwarf leg!! hits Urist McSexyGirl in the head!
It is mangled!
It is burning...
-
Convincing himself that he's okay and that she wasn't his type anyway, Snoopicus sets off, for adventure! After many days of travel, he ends up in a large forest. Well, it looks a bit like adventure could be found here. Time for a snack, anyway. He goes to take a bite of his sandwich...
-
When a rhesus macaque spies it and swoops down to grab it!
-
The rhesus macaque miscaculated his swoop and hits a tree instead! This startles Snoopicus, and he runs off to...
-
...attack the evil monkey that would dare to steal his ham sandwich! He raise his open hand to strike the rhesus macaque when...
-
A VILE FORCE OF DARKNESS HAS ARRIVED!
-
an army of rhesus macaques led by the rhesus macaque king has come to take revenge on the foolish snoopicus.
-
Suddenly, they see the sandwich and a single thought races through the whole group
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has died after colliding with an obstacle!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has died after colliding with an obstacle!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque king has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has died after colliding with an obstacle!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has died after colliding with an obstacle!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has died after colliding with an obstacle!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has died after colliding with an obstacle!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
rhesus macaque has been struck down!
except for one who thinks about how delicious that ham sandwich would be with a side of dwarf roast...
-
... but the rhesus macaque doesnt have cooking skills!!
-
So it just sits there, thinking of...
-
What if thats a grilled cheese sandwich when....
-
He stomps around, increasing his rage! But his stomping reveals a pit below the ground! The pit starts to widen it's maw, so Snoopicus...
-
Pushes the monkey into the pit!
the rhesus macaque has fallen into a deep chasm!
-
Ok. Who killed the thread? I want names! >:(
-
Snoopicus runs from the site into a nearby abandoned temple! As his vision adjusts to the dark temple he sees...
-
A delicious pool of water in the center of temple, he sure does feel thirsty, as he approaches a pool he suddenly...
-
does a little dance. Makes a little love.
Gets down tonight.
Gets down tonight.
-
Thousands of olmmen jump out of the pool and start dancing when...
-
Snoopicus decides to name one of them!
-
He names it Harold. But suddenly...
-
Dwarf cancels name: just noticed it's an olmman
Snoopicus runs out of the temple at top speed when...
-
He crashes into an almost identical temple sitting right next to the first one!
-
Realising he just smacked into the temple he just came out of, he tries running again!
-
Only to end up at the top of a nearby dark fortress! Looking behind him he sees..
-
a giant leopard lion tiger!
-
Suprised, Snoopicus yells "Holy Armok! A giant leapord lion tiger!", and using his quick wits, operates the ballista he found nearby.
-
Which was pointed in the entirely wrong direction. Namely, away from the giant leopard lion tiger.
-
And directly at Trusi McCluelessgoblin!
-
The giant leopard lion tiger exclaims "that goblin would go great with that dwarf tallow roast!" the giant leopard lion tiger goes to claim the dead goblin and the dwarf tallow roast it was holding.
-
The giant leopard lion tiger has died after colliding with an obstacle!
Snoopicus stares at the meteor that just killed the giant leopard lion tiger when...
-
Cthulhu suddenly pops out of the meteor before being sucked into a dimensional rift!
Snoopicus has gone stark raving mad!
-
Snoopicus, being stark raving mad, does not feel the need to eat, or wear clothes for that matter, and strips down, dropping the sandwich.
-
He begins to wave his genitals at everything, when...
-
A chipmunk climbs up his leg and.....
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-
Snoopicus flings the chipmunk just in time towards the rift, but forgets to let go, and emerges in...
-
And emerges out one second into the future! Cthulhu can be seen in the distance being sucked down into HFS.
-
suddenly, snoopicus, and a consipciously shaped object containing ham and cheese are teleported to an ordinary fortress!, snoopicus is one of the founding 7, sane, members!
-
This being a normal fortress everyone dies shortly.
-
Except for Snoopicus!
Some migrants have arrived!
A huge wave of migrants come stampeding over the hill!
-
Snoopicus locks the door and pulls the doomsday lever!
-
OH NO. THE SANDWICH IS LOCKED OUTSIDE.
-
Snoopicus blocks the lava flow with his "Buns of Obsidian" (a training course just invented by him. Results seen in seconds!) with little to no bodily harm!
-
When the lava suddenly decides to kidnap the thread for 24 days!
-
And then return out of the hat of a frog! Along with.....elves.
-
These elves do not turn out to be the tall, hippie elves we all have come to know and love, but rather the kind that makes gifts!
An elf makes a +rope reed puzzle box+ for Snoopicus when the Civ's Demon leader shows up!
-
Which is somewhat coincidental, as coming over the opposite hill at that exact same moment is the Demon leader's mother, who does not look amused in the least.
-
The two start squabbling. The noise is deafening!
-
Snoopicus shouts at the two to get a room.
They happen to find a fort with an open door, so they go in there and start arguing.
-
The dwarves build a new temple next to the fortress the demons are arguing in, but due to weird bugs they quickly tear it down and rebuild it several times. As the hundreds of priests of different denominations around Snoopicus start throwing gospel tracts at each other in an attempt to convert the other priests to their own particular denomination, the ham sandwich golem and skeletal whale from way earlier in this thread show up, combined into a terrifying megabeast that is the object of worship of all the religions being brandished.
Snoopicus takes an opportunity to...
-
Sprint to the top of the tower, hold the sandwich up above his head, and spake down upon the crowd...
-
with a booming voice, "... Anyone have any mayonaise?"
Everyone who raises their hand explodes, sending gibblets of everything everywhere.
-
Cthulu wanders by and says to himself, "Those dwarf giblets would go great with that +Horse meat sandwich+ that dwarf is holding!"
Everyone still alive immediately swarms around Cthulu and eats him.
-
While busy devouring cthulu, the ham sandwich of life and death is pushed away by water pressure due to a dwarf going insane (and berserk since he looked upon cthulu) and knocking out a nearby flood gate. It is washed away, and into...
-
a gobbo's cage. the gobbo which cant remember when it ate last picked up the sandwhich to take a bite when...
-
A meteor hits the cage, sending the sandwich flying into
-
An Armor Stand, which happens to be occupied by a living set of armour!
It picks up the sandwich, then sticks it in the empty neckhole when...
-
The earlier mentioned flood comes and rusts the armor with lightning speed. Snoopicus quickly picks up the sandwich and proceeds to take a bite...
-
Of his hand! He missed the sandwich completely and bit his hand!
He yelps in pain, and drops the sandwich
-
And the flood contains that whale!
The sandwich is
-
In the process of trying to escape from the ants from the anthill it landed in!
They climb on it and...
-
The ants have dessicated in the midday heat!
Snoopicus, nursing his hand, picks up his sandwich...
-
and puts it in his pocket. seeing the whale he runs out of the tunnel and into...
-
Cthulu, whos been nibbled down to bones, becoming the even more fearsome SKELETAL CTHULU.
OOC: blargh cant spell
-
The Skeletal Cthulu picks up Snoopicus and...
-
Throws him rather far! But he forgets to let go, and his arm comes off with Snoopicus!
As he is flying through the air, Snoopicus goes to remove the hand from his waist when...
-
He succeeds! Somehow using the arm in combination with a passing butterfly and his shirt, he manages to stop himself before crashing into a wall, rendering his shirt useless, however...
-
The butterfly subtly changes reality, creating not just a hurricane halfway around the world, but also destroying Skeletal Cthulu and throwing the arm high into the air!
Snoopicus, seeing the arm slowly descend towards his beloved HSoLoF, starts to...
-
Perform Martial Arts!
He does a flying hi-kick towards the arm!
-
Unfortunately, he misses the skeletal arm and lands flat on his face, while the sandwich sighs and vaporizes the it.
-
meanwhile a black bear spots the sandwhich and...
-
Eats it whole, Snoopicus dives into it's stomach to get his precious sandwich when...
-
suddenly carp milions of them. the carp...
-
Catch fire, but they die in the fire, the whale devours...
-
The bear that has Snoopicus and the HSoLoD in its stomach!
Fortunately, the...
-
Bear already had a fair meal that day, and Snoopicus diving in was just too much!
The bear has vomited!
-
"Eeeeew!"
Snoopicus gets up and complains about being covered in vomit, then remarks about being inside a whale.
He spots the sandwich and picks it up when...
-
An earthquake knocks him flying to the west!
-
He lands safely, and is about to take a bite when two armies of sandwich worshippers appear to the west and east respectivley
-
"Who would have thought that not one but TWO tribes of sandwich-worshipping tribes lived in this whale?"
Snopicus decides he's had enough of all this, and starts to walk north... but he forgot the Sandwich!
-
The two armies see him run off, and charge at each other full-tilt! an epic battle ensues.
-
Snoopicus doesn't quite care for this and walks out of the whale to finally take a bite out of his sandwich when...
-
Whale? What whale?
-
A living marionette comes flying out at snoopicus, grabbing the sandwich! Then...
-
...crashes into a fleshy wall! Oh! That must hurt! Or, would. It's hard to tell with puppets. Anyway, the sandwich is flung through the air....
-
And onto one of the great species of platebirds. The platebird, suprised by the sudden weight on its back...
-
Decides that the heavy weight on the back must be the weight of *cat biscut*! Then...
-
Snoopicus scrapes some vomit off himself and throws it.
The vomit strikes the platebird in the wing.
It explodes in a cloud of gore!
The platebird turns sideways, dropping the sandwich into a thicket out of sight just before slamming headfirst into a passing dragon. Snoopicus...
-
...shrugs and picks up his sandwich, then runs off and falls into a hole.
-
Down and down and down he falls, landing flat on his face. Fortunately, his fall is cushioned by a giant mushroom!
Looking up, he sees a Rabbitman...
-
The spinning +Cat Tallow Biscuit+ hits the Rabbitman in the head!
It collapses into the body, an unrecognizable mass!
-
The spinning +Cat Tallow Biscuit+ hits the Rabbitman in the head!
It collapses into the body, an unrecognizable mass!
It's not really a cat biscut.
You just died.
-
Snoopicus, enjoying the lull in the action caused by the narrator's untimely death, opens his mouth to finally enjoy a bite of his delicious sandwich, only to be disturbed by the sight of...
-
Another Sandwich of Life and Death. This one is made of rye bread with chicken and spicy mustard on the inside. You get the feeling of an intense rivalry between your own sandwhich and this other one.
-
A strong gust of wind blows the HSoLoD next to the RCMSoLoD. Combatants face each other....
-
the sandwich slips out of snoopicus's hand, as it falls it hit's the other sandwich, causing....
-
A rift in the space/time continuum!
-
Snoopicus suddenly comes face to face with a beardless version of himself.
-
The newcomer waves to Snoop. "Hey bud! You're quite the the strapping fella, aren't you?" He tosses Snoopicus a wink.
"Oh, hey. So that's where you got off to." He picks the RCMSoLaD off the ground, then notices the HSoLaD. "Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh, is that *another* Chicken and Mustard on Rye!?"
History abhors a paradox.
(OOC: So, Bizzaro Snoop is protected the Chicken and Mustard on Rye Sandwich on Life and Death, much the same as Snoop. Can one sandwich override the power of another? :D )
-
The RCMSLoD looks at the HSoLaD and laughs.
"What possible chance could a mere *muskox burger* have against me!"
The rift in the space/time continuum...
-
HSoLoD replies, "I do say! Sandwiches cannot talk, especially not Beef and cheese sandwiches such as yourself!"
DUN DUN DUNN
-
Beyond time and space, an ancient creature stirs, disturbed byt the events unfolding around the two sandwiches....
-
Various demons spring out from the rift!
-
And drag both sandwiches through the portal. Snoopicus and beardless-Snoopicus...
-
...begin to question their existence.
-
((In this conversation, SN is Snoopicus, SD is Snoop.))
SN: "I have an idea, my beardless fellow."
SD: "What's that, my bearded compadre?"
SN: "To show which of us is a truer man, let us have a 'Divide-By-Zero Competition.' First one to divide by zero wins."
SD: "Ha! Watch this! I can win in two seco-"
Snoop implodes, leaving Snoopicus, the HSoLoD and the RCMSLOD alone in the void.
-
Snoopicus reaches for the RCMSoLD. The HSoLaD...
-
spontaneously becomes a very confused Spirit of fire
-
The RCMSoLD yells "AHH, A [REDACTED]!", then explodes in a ball of fire. The HSoLaD...
-
Absorbs the RCMSoLD, doubling its energy! Then, the HSoLD…
-
Becomes the Ham Sandwich of Life, Death, Time and Space!
The HSoLDTaS...
-
Begins speaking in a deep, incomprehensible tounge. It summons...
-
Me! The narrator! What an amazing development. I...
-
Realize that you have done nothing worthwhile with your life and start feeling rather depressed when...
-
The HSoLDTaS transcends the mortal coil, shedding its hearty prison and becomes energy. It travels through space to a small fledgeling world, and descends upon its primordial surface.It creates a people in its own image, raising them from the muck.
The Sandwichinians...
-
..are then wiped out by the sun exploding!
-
Which creates a vortex, warping the HSoLaDTaS back to a savescummed version of Snoopicus right before he saw the RCMSoLD. The HSoLaDTaS...
-
Uses its powers over time to see the future!
He sees Snoop and the RCMSoloD, and decides to...
-
Oblierate the RCMSoLoD from the timeline! He does this by...
-
Absorbing the new one! Then...
-
We all spontaneously combust due to solar radiation and the fact that the ham in said sandwhich is so old now that it is an immensely corrosive substance.
-
...that would be absolutely delicious. Snoopicus realizes that most of the ham has fallen out, and goes to the food stockpile to get some more for the Ham Sandwich of Life, Death, Time and Space, when...
-
Suddenly time reverts to the beginning of the story!
Snoopicus smiles, as it is a beautiful day outside. He looks down, at his delicious Ham Sandwich. He goes to take a bite out of the sandwich when............
-
.. he hear the sentries shout out an alarm. "Goblins! The greenskins are coming! Get the others, and get dressed, Snoop," the watchdwarf exclaims from atop the fortress wall. As the gates begin to close with a low rumble, Snoopicus glances mournfully at the Sandwich and ...
-
Notices history repeating itself!
-
He then anti-eats the sandwich. Then...
-
He then anti-eats the sandwich. Then...
finds himself pondering how one would anti-eat a sandwich. He gets over it, and realises hes still hungry. He lifts the sandwich toward his mouth...
-
And gives a speech on how anti-eating a sandwich is possible, by anti-chewing it back into a sandwich and anti-digesting it. He then attempts to eat his sandwich when...
-
A spinning XXXElf Bone Thong XXX hits him in the mouth.
Snoopicus's teeth have been broken.
Snoopicus's mouth has been burned.
He looks mournfully down at the *Cheddar Bay Biscuit*
*The post ends in a splotch of bloody gore, with faint markings of ham grease on the edge*
-
Snoop wanders over to a bed and falls into a coma for five months, when he emerges, his wounds are fully healed! He returns to find the sandwich...
-
Surrounded by the corpses of goblins and dwarves who's language lacked the words ham and sandwich, causing them to refer to it as a "pig meat biscuit". No longer hungry after being brought several meals while recovering, Snoopicus...
-
Realizes he doesn't have a purpose in life anymore.
Snoopicus has been stricken with melancholy!
-
The now melancholy snoopicus takes up the HSoLaD, his only remaining possession, and climbs to the top of the fortress entrance, conveniently shaped as a massive stone tower, he then...
-
decides that his last meal should be delicious, he goes to take a bite out of the sandwich when...
-
A dwarven therapist waddles up behind him, concerned about the lad. The therapist, upon seeing the sandwich, immediately thinks it is an elk bird sweetbread roast. Suddenly, one of the stones under the therapists' foot comes loose, sending him rolling down the side of the conical tower in a comical manner, killing him in the process, and relieving Snoopicus of his state of depression and causing him to forget his hunger. He then decides to...
-
Jump after him!
-
Only to find himself weaking up at a passage going throe Mt!!Boom!!. Snoop hears elrons screaming:"Quick, throw it in"
And Snoop realizes that there is a battle outside and that the is still holding up the sandwich. He looks at it and sees a vision. He is ruler of all the world, his foes exploding into !!XX<<=*+Prepared BODY_PART+*>>XX!! and the sinful farts of nation rising to the sky. He then says...
-
"wow I'm hungry!" and attempts to take a bite of the sandwich when he is assaulted by a pair of retreating kobold soldiers, who steal away all of his possessions, including the HSoLaD and retreat into the hills above. Snoopicus, confused and enraged at the swiftness of their thievery, charges after them and...
-
says, "Come back, I have not eaten in years!!!" An started throwing a tantrum. In his rage he destroyed a toilet.
"Whell, whell. What have we here? Y?ou have done an EVIL deed. Now you must die!" Said the hammerdwarf and broke all of snoopicus's limbs. Snoopicus then lay there. Dead!!!
-
The End?
-
Good.
-
says, "Come back, I have not eaten in years!!!" An started throwing a tantrum. In his rage he destroyed a toilet.
"Whell, whell. What have we here? Y?ou have done an EVIL deed. Now you must die!" Said the hammerdwarf and broke all of snoopicus's limbs. Snoopicus then lay there. Dead!!!
The Hammerdwarf (Whose name was Billy) then picked up a strange-looking sandwich that sat beside Snoopicus. He slowly moved it toward his mouth when...
-
A section of the cavern has collapsed! Sandwich and owner drop down into the main dining room, where the eyes of two hundred dwarves and the elven diplomat are transfixed upon the sandwich.
-
They all explode, the universe explodes, the forum game explodes. It's over.
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The player looksat the screen. "Your settlement has been snoopified.... lets be honest, it sucked."
Player looks at the calendar to see how mush time was wasted. Starts swearing."!@$@$%!#^!$^#%^!$^!#^!#$^%@#$!!! I spent so much time there!!! Oh well, I'll go make a sandwich" He opens the refrigerator and sees a pretty ham sandwich and says "Mmm, lowfat sandwich" Suddenly he hears a loud sound saying "AMBUSH! PROTECT THE DISCS!!!" Cat starts biting the player in the arm! Then it says "Your Mom "Your Mom" Has arrived. It is a tall figure, shifted into human form! Beware its scorching hugs!!!". The mother starts fighting with the !!player!!. They roll into a booze cellar and it explodes!
"The settlement of nerdroom has withered!"
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The player wakes up! It was all a dream!
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The player wakes up! It was all a dream!
The player (Whose name is Billy) then walks over to the fridge, being hungry after sleeping for 2 years, and finds a sandwich. He goes to take a bite when his roommate rushes in...
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"I am Snoopicus!" He cried, rushing at Billy.
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EPIC ENDING!!!!