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Dwarf Fortress => DF Community Games & Stories => Topic started by: OneMoreNameless on November 02, 2008, 06:42:26 am

Title: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 02, 2008, 06:42:26 am

All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
A multi-fortress saga of dwarves, failures, and ... dwarves.

"Oh my god, you killed our fortress!" "You bastard!"

About the saga
In traditional Let's Play style, this thread shall be following the events of a Dwarf Fortress game roughly as they occur. Unlike most such threads, however, it will sequentially follow several fortresses; each with different starting locations and specific challenges or goals. These fortresses will be linked via an overarching plot, and told through the mouths (or diaries etc.) of several reoccurring characters. The tone will generally be lighthearted. (For technical reasons not all fortresses may come from the same generated world. The dwarves are literally different dwarves too save for their nickname, but you'll just have to pretend with me. ;))

About the player
I'm still mostly a newbie at Dwarf Fortress, having only played through a single fortress with arguable success (the fortress was reasonable rich, self sufficient, happy, easily defendable from goblins and the economy caused no dramas - but realistically would have fallen if a door-destroyer showed up). The reason I decided to start this saga was mostly to keep the game "fun" through various challenges, but also to keep the game more personal and entertaining. Any advice is welcome. Updates may be erratic; my free time tends to vary week to week, nevermind my dedication ... but I'll try not to leave anyone hanging too long!

About the community
Starting from the second fortress, the games shall be run as partial community fortresses. Readers may create their own dwarves to embark alongside any "plot dwarves" planned for each game by providing a name and any skills or items. Alternatively, migrants can also be claimed once they arrive. Additional preferences or requests given while the game is running will be taken into consideration if reasonable. For details on how many dwarves are still free and specific recommendations for that fortress, please see recent posts.

About the fortresses
Fortress One (http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?topic=26722.msg317126#msg317126) - Survive with a single dwarf. Calm, flat location by a brook.
Fortress Two (http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?topic=26722.msg327556#msg327556) - Destroy a peaceful goblin fortress, then unleash HFS. Hot, rocky location without trees.
Fortress Three (http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?topic=26722.msg368553#msg368553) - Clear out a cave and construct entirely glass semimegaprojects. Untamed desert by the sea.
Fortress Four (http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?topic=26722.msg527373#msg527373) - Train an army of nude, lesbian mud wrestlers. Terrifying mountain with chasm and HFS.

About the archive
If you've just started reading A.D.A.B. (or wanted to reread your favourite fortress!) archives of this pseudo-epic are available on my website here (http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab.html) and are updated after each fortress is completed.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 02, 2008, 06:45:08 am

- PROLOGUE -

"NOT. GUILTY!"

A gasp rose from the assorted onlookers, but Judge Judas wasn't sure whether it was from surprise at the plea, or surprise that anyone with such short stature could actually boom words. Though by his count that was the third echo, so it was probably the latter. Judas held his wig tight in preparation for the fourth and tried to focus on those in the spotlight: Doomhammer, the accused, and Flowerjoy, the prosecution lawyer.

"Surely you can't be serious?" Flowerjoy scoffed, her tone full of well-earned confidence. She was known throughout all races for her excellent track record against dwarves. She'd sent down over a dozen in the last month alone, and twice that number into poverty from fines. But this time it was personal, and she'd been pushing Judas for a much for permanent sentence ...

"By my hipflask I am! That dirty bitch set me up!" Doomhammer spat on the ground and stomped on it for good riddance. Judas wasn't quite sure where the dwarf's lawyer had gone. Probably hiding under a desk somewhere, and you couldn't blame him. The first two had needed hospital care from the dwarf's breath and the third had politely requested their own straight jacket within five minutes.

"Don't you call her that!" Judas was surprised to see Flowerjoy blink away tears while she glanced down at her notes. "So why have we see no evidence of this, Doomhammer?"

"She was asking for it! All those shiny gems she offered, all her warmth and comfort in winter, and not a word of discouragement as I mined deep into her opening-"

"She COULDN'T say anything after all that poison you gave her!"

"Well in that case how the bloody hell can you be representing her now anyway?" Doomhammer smirked, but the elf just smiled. A few seconds passed in silence. Then Judas felt a faint breeze start to blow, and he clutched his wig in fear.

Within moments the faint breeze had become a rushing gale blasting everything in its path. Spare seats tumbled over. Papers scattered out the open windows. Several of the smaller members of the crowd were picked up and flung against the wall. It only lasted a minute or so but that was more than sufficient for Judas.

"Ahem. In light of recent ... evidence ..." Judas began formally, straightening his wig and standing as tall as he dared in Doomhammer's presence. "I have come to my decision."

"YOU COWARDLY BASTARD! You would have done the same thing! And ale is not a goddamn poison, she ..." Doomhammer continued screaming even after the gag was in place. Judas could still hear the muttering until the fourth. And smell his breath until about the tenth.

"Doomhammer, I declare you guilty of the rape of Mother Nature. As the mastermind and leader, you shall be mindwiped at dawn and cast out from society. Mother Nature shall decide if you are worth forgiveness. Furthermore, after taking into considering the wide ranging damage caused by the actions of your people, I hereby sentence the entire dwarf race to indefinite seclusion on a lone island where they can do little more harm. This court is dismissed."

It has been ten years since that day, and by and large the dwarves have settled well into their new home. The world, it seemed, was willing to tolerate the dwarves mess and destruction if it were far away. Trading has been renewed through a few brave and sympathetic merchants. Even on the island itself a fragile peace is held between the dwarves and the original natives. From the outside such an ending might look happy, but restless whispers travel quickly through twisted tunnels and few ores within reach could sound as tempting as those in distant, unscarred lands ...

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 02, 2008, 06:52:24 am

- CHAPTER ONE: A Kitten Is Fine Too -

New Fortress!
Survive with a single living dwarf. No trading, but I'm allowing myself basic supplies: A pick, an axe, an anvil, ten meat, five ale and five plump helmet spawn. Oh, and one kitten. :)
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df001.PNG)
The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

1st Granite
I met some new friends today! This morning I was thirsty. So I wandered up to the brook for a drink. The water was nice. I saw some ants scurrying around! I followed them for a while. But then I saw something even larger than the ants (but not TOO much larger) scurrying around. They were dwarves! I went and said hello.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df002.PNG)

It was hard to count them all at first, but one dwarf told me there were SIX of them. That's more dwarves than I've seen together maybe ever! One nice dwarf Urist says she is leading them all to start a new home in the mountains somewhere (Urist says 'mountains' are like boulders but even BIGGER!). Urist asked if I wanted to join them. I'm not sure yet. So many dwarves sounds like fun, but I don't like all of them very much. One looked at me strange when I said my name was Doomhammer. Maybe he was impressed I could spell all the letters?

Anyway, Urist need to sleep now. Even with a wagon (also a REAL LIFE camel and horse!) all the walking is tiring. Urist let me share their ale, so I will guard them from the nasty ants tonight! Actually, their ale is very yummy. Tastes familiar, not sure why.

The dwarves are sleeping now, and the ants are far away. I bored. Maybe I'll drink more ale for a while.

6th Granite
My head hurts. Why is sunlight nasty now? The last few days are blurry and my dirt pictures are all messy. I remember being thirsty and drinking ale. One of the dwarves woke up and told me stop, it was the nasty one. I think he said something about rape and my mother. Then, um, I can see lots of soil flying. Then it's morning again. One of the trees is missing for some reason ... ?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df003.PNG)

I don't see the dwarves anymore. The ants are still far away, so, that can't be it. Maybe Urist and the others left for their home. Aww, I miss having someone to talk to. But they forgot their wagon! So I looked inside it and found lots of really neat stuff! There is a big shiny axe that I can cut things with (like ... the air! Or maybe even trees!). There's a pick as well, which I think is made to cut dirt and rock and stuff with. Then there's this big lump of metal that I don't even know what it's for. It's heavy though. A paperweight for giants? I left it in the wagon for now. There's also two wood barrels, with meat and ale, and some weird seed things. I'm not sure what they're for, so I might just throw them away somewhere later.

Oh wow, I just had a great idea! Urist talked to me about a home in the mountains before. I guess I only have little boulders but, still, with all this neat stuff I could still build my own little home here! It gets so cold in winter normally. Yes, that's what I'll do.

7th Granite
Work on my home has begun! It's tiring, but this digging thing is really easy when you figure out which end to use. My hands hurts. At least my head doesn't now. It's not really boulder anyway, only dirt and soil that I'm digging. That ale must be MAGICAL or something because of all the great plans I have for my home now! It's going to be big and awesome and pretty and warm and awesome and and and yeah! When I'm done digging I'm going to figure out how you make that stuff.

And there's this kitten following me around now. I wonder why? It's so cute! I'm going to call him fluffycuddlekissesjoy and he can be my new friend. He's not a dwarf like Urist but that's okay. I didn't really understand all their talk about mountains anyway. I just hope the camel doesn't step on him.

12th Granite
I FINALLY finished digging out my home today. That was really tiring. I was almost about to go to sleep but I remembered I didn't have a bed or anything yet. So instead I went to get a drink but I didn't even have any ale in here yet. Everything is still out in the wagon. That means I'm going to have to haul it all the way down here and put it away. But I'm TIRED! I just want to go watch the ants again. This home thing had better be worth it because all this stuff I have to do is no fun.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df004.PNG)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 02, 2008, 08:12:58 pm

- CHAPTER TWO: Home Is Where The Horse Isn't -

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

6th Granite
Today, at long last, I have found a worthy victim. After months of dragging those worthless peasants around the countryside I encountered a lone dwarf living alongside a river. At first I found it difficult to comprehend how a dwarf as idiotic as him had survived outside thus far, but that night ... Ah ha, yes. This "Doomhammer" may be intellectually outdone by his own pants but when angered he was driven to such fury and power that even I was slightly impressed. (Not that such a lumbering oaf could hope to match my own sleek agility and vermin decimation, of course.) Doomhammer dug a shallow passageway into the earth, shoved the lot of them in there and built a wooden wall blocking their escape. Even now, I can hear them screaming. It was not the most creative way to dispose of the fools, but efficient and still entertaining in it's own way.

7th Granite
Curses! After a week of lurking in shadows and stalking my prey the oaf has spotted me. I had hoped to save this power as a last resort, but I cannot afford his butchery to be turned against me. While he foolishly gazed at me with his sickeningly sweet ignorance I telepathically linked our minds. With only one of me the ability is weak, but it is enough to subtly influence his decisions. Once my queen and litter are by my side and our cat empire established we will have no need for these fools but until then I require protection and sustenance, and this dwarf shall provide them.

12th Granite
By all the gods, this oaf is useless! It has taken him five days just to dig out a few rooms, and only that with my constant mental prods to get back to work. It is lucky for him that I crossed his path, or he would have frozen come winter for sure. When my feline empire is established he shall be the first to die - Yes, I can see it now: The oaf walking towards the exit when he hears a faint mew ... he turns his head, looking for the source of the distress, not seeing a faint shadow pass beneath his feet ... and then as he continues stepping forward ... BAM! He trips over my children and falls outside into the snow, while I seal the door AND HIS FATE!

18th Granite
The oaf has finished carrying all of my possessions into the relative safety of the underground. He tried to pull the wagon inside too, but became so angry that he could not move it he simply tore it into pieces instead - and then calmly carried the pieces into his tiny stockpile. Later he chose an area to grow his so-called "ale trees", but when faced with the daunting task of actually constructing it decided to waste time carrying around the remains of my latest rodent victim instead. Useless. If I had hands, I would almost do it myself at by this point!

[Author's Note: Do any of the utilities allow you to cheat and assign labor to cats? Because, that would make catsplosion so much more awesome with redundant dwarves. :D]

27th Granite
Between carrying around my less fortunate victims and standing around gazing at one particular tree the oaf has finished my farm plot and planted the handful of seeds he had. His next task shall be to construct a simple brewery and kitchen. How he intends to do create any kind of heat source for cooking, as well as tools that would not quickly catch on fire, from a single lump of wood is beyond even my intellect. Laws of physics seem to adapt themselves to this dwarf rather than vice versa.

Of course, even in this early stage of construction, he managed to screw up. Only once he had dug out room for the two buildings did he realise the kitchen layout would block both entrances into the room. Rather than simply, say, flip his design around the oaf grabbed his pick and hacked through another few squares of wall.

I never had this much trouble with my previous slaves.

13th Slate
The oaf continues work on the most basic of objects; a door, and bed. Even the most basic of dwellings takes time to complete with a single dwarf, especially one as incompetent as Doomhammer (100 FPS not withstanding ... but we shall see how long that lasts once my queen arrives, yes). After having his narrow corridors blocked by the horse and camel yet again the oaf snapped and started building a butcher's shop just outside the entrance. Then he promptly fell asleep. I half hope the alligator lurking around eats him.

18th Slate
The horse has been struck down. Twice as much meat now occupies my stockpile and the corridors are all the more empty for my own use. The camel is next, although I suspect the just starting harvest of plump helmets may prove a distraction. Then I shall just have the oaf left to deal with ... Patience, Fluffy. Your time will come.

4th Felsite
The oaf's recent progress pleases me. My dining room and sleeping chambers are complete; Meager, perhaps, and still lacking doors, but things shall only improve from here. Food supplies are reasonable, but only two drinks of ale remain. The oaf is away collecting more wood to use in barrels at the moment, but shortly I shall have him begin mining for stone. It has been calm so far, but we need doors and basic traps to fall back on should I become too outnumbered in battle. Once safe enough, Doomhammer can begin working on a palace that would attract ANY queen I desire, and then, THE WORLD SHALL BE FINE! I mean, MINE! Why did I make such a ridiculous typo? Argh!

...

Oh god, I'm so lonely.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df005.PNG)
[Author's Note: The down staircase leads to a 5x5 stockpile for everything that isn't food, waste or stone.]

And now, it's time for ...
The Continuing Adventures of Urist Stizashgeshud

8th Granite
I must be dreaming. This must be some kind of nightmare. It is so dark and humid and awful here. I don't know what happened, I was settling down to sleep under the stars and then suddenly I woke to find nothing but walls all around me. The others are here too, but they won't say anything. I think they're in shock. I think we're all in shock. I don't know what happened, but I don't think I can stand this much longer oh god let me wake up.

20th Granite
Edem finally accepted he wasn't dreaming today. We all know we're doomed now. It's terrifying and horrible, but calming at the same time. The arguing has to stop now, right? We ... we're sealed underneath the earth with no supplies and no escape. Oh god I hate saying that but we have to accept it, we mustn't allow ourselves that freedom of madness. We are dwarves and we will stay strong. But I'm so thirsty and loam tastes so dry.

1st Slate
I've been talking a lot with Monom lately. There's nothing else to do down here anyway. We tell old jokes that we used to laugh at. We persuade and negotiate over pebbles on the floor. We'd make the quite the merchants now if we could ever be freed. Despite our growing weakness I feel tougher than ever, somehow. I don't think my brain is functioning quite right. Maybe this is it. Maybe I can finally ask my god why he left us like this. Maybe ...

18th Slate
WHY IS IT NO MATTER HOW MUCH WEIGHT I LOSE I CAN'T SQUEEZE PASSED THAT FUCKING PILLAR?!?!

2nd Felsite
Monom feels so cold today. We all feel cold. Water wouldn't freeze here, but we ... I ... somebody help us, please.

4th Felsite
In a final effort to keep warm, we have thrown away more than our dignity and begun an all out dwarven orgy. Monom is actually quite cute in this lack of light, hee hee. Or is that just my soberity talking?

7th Felsite
Wow, this is GREAT! The rest of the dwarves and I have been going at it all day and night (we can't really tell which is which in here anyway, am I right?!) and we've never been better! Water? What the heck is that, I get everything I need from Monom here! Edem started rocking using a few pebbles as mini drums and then we all hit the dance floor. I wish this had happened to us earlier, I've never had so much fun in my life.

So Urist and the other dwarves lived without regrets and happily ever after for the rest of their short (haha, get it?) lives. The End!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Snuffs on November 02, 2008, 09:15:15 pm

Hah, awesome so far! I love the storytelling from the various viewpoints, and especially your take on the starving dwarves. Please continue!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jetman123 on November 02, 2008, 09:39:26 pm

Hahahaha. This is funny. I especially want to see more of the evil cat.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Eita on November 02, 2008, 10:02:38 pm

I only have one complaint. WHAT KIND OF DWARVES WOULD WILLINGLY GO INTO EXILE?!?!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: ZealTheSavior on November 03, 2008, 12:01:14 am

There was probably an epic battle that Doomhammer forgot about. It has been 10 years so the few traders may have forgotten it.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 03, 2008, 06:08:22 am

Quote from: Eita on November 02, 2008, 10:02:38 pm

I only have one complaint. WHAT KIND OF DWARVES WOULD WILLINGLY GO INTO EXILE?!?!

Who said they went willingly? In this setting I sort of imagined dwarves as a somewhat disliked minority, so when they did revolt against the sentence all the other races (human, elves, goblins etc.) would ally together to enforce it. If some dwarves refused to surrender, well, cage traps. ;)

I haven't mentioned it yet, but there's a reason the dwarves are stuck on their island too. (Magic trickery, basically.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 03, 2008, 08:05:23 pm

- CHAPTER THREE: Purple Is The Colour Of Sadness -

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

7th Felsite
I'm getting used to work now. It's hard doing all these different things and it takes a long time but I have all kinds of neat stuff now. I have a bed to sleep on instead of boulder! It's much more comfy. I have a table to eat on instead of a boulder. My food falls off much less now. I have a whole bunch of tasty meat too, and it hurts my teeth much less than a boulder. I went to give some to my horse and camel friends but I couldn't find them anymore. Oh well, at least I still have Fluffy as my best friend forever!

But I don't have much ale left. I tried making more and filling up the barrel but it wouldn't work so I guess barrels don't work like that? So I cut down more trees to make and oh my god did I mention I have workshops now? They are, wow, I can make all kinds of neat things there! Weapons and buckets and chests and statues and even BLOCKS! I don't have rocks yet though. Cutting wood makes me nervous sometimes. What if the ants attacked while I was out here in the open? Once I have doors and stuff I'll stay inside and start digging rocks instead to keep safe.

Aww, suddenly I feel really sad. I need go give Fluffy a hug or something.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df006.PNG)

18th Felsite
I finished cooking a lavish meal today. It was mostly meat, with some ale and I even made some tallow to put in it. But when I finally finished it I wasn't really hungry. There are flies everywhere and I'm still sad.

24th Felsite
Made some barrels. Making a wooden door to keep the flies out. Don't know if that's how flies work. There's an icky purple stink coming from near my kitchen. Stupid Fluffy keeps leaving dead rats everywhere. Still sad.

25th Felsite
The purple is GROWING. I'm kind of scared now.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df007.PNG)

28th Felsite
I used most of my barrels before remembering I was going to make ale them. I'm too tired to take all the food out again. I tried to make some ale from the ale trees I grew before but when I tried all that came out was WINE. It doesn't taste as yummy but I still feel all floaty when I drink it so that's okay I guess. Still sad.

1st Hematite
It feels really hot now. Not sure why. I put the door up, and made a remote control that can set it to locked or open from a distance. Going to do some cleaning now so the purple doesn't auilghsligfhu

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df008.PNG)

4th Hematite
Woke up. Purple haunts my sleep. Fluffy is all grown up now. Doing some cleaning, and planting a few wine trees.

8th Hematite
OH GOD THE PURPLE IS BACK. I don't know why but my room of stuff is full of it and it's CLIMBING THE STAIRS TO GET ME. Aaaaah!

Oh, wow! I just noticed! I don't feel sad anymore! It's so nice to sleep in a good bedroom. It's not so nice when your whole bedroom is purple though. I like grey or blue much better. Okay! It's time to get back to building my home!

Oh wait, my pick is covered in purple. Maybe I'll plant another seed for now.

12th Hematite
I've started digging deeper underground. At first I just saw sand, and then silt. But then I struck talc! I don't think it has much use except to build white doors with I guess. But, a strange thing happened. As I started digging through stone I felt this funny tingle through my backbone. The up and down of the pick, the noisy rock crumbling into unusable pieces, the disappointment of striking something not so great ... It all feels so familiar, and so RIGHT. Like I've done this before. Like I was meant to do this. My mind can only recall living under the stars and catching fish to survive so why does my heart suddenly beat so fast with this tool, no, weapon, NO, instrument of such power that maybe there was more to everything that I -

Aawwww, the sadness is back again. Go away sadness! What did I do deserve all this unhappy?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df009.PNG)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df010.PNG)

23rd Hematite
I'm happy again now! Eating at my dining table is nice, and thanks to the power of positive thinking I'm now longer a hermit; I'm the leader of a one dwarf expedition into the underground! Fluffy is my second in command, and together, we will build the best and most awesome home EVER!

After digging in dolomite for a while I managed to leave behind some usable stone. Now I can make even more neat things to make my home better. I even found some shiny yellow citrines. I don't think they're worth much to dwarves like Urist but they're SHINY and that makes them good for me! Maybe I'll decorate some things with them later.

All this work is thirsty, um, work so I need to drink now. But all my wine is gone. Huh? I didn't think I used THAT much when I was cooking. But that would explain why my roasts tasted so yummy. And why I named so many of them Dwarven Ale Roasts. I'd better make some more. The river is like AGES away now.

26th Hematite
I'm on break! Now it's Fluffy's turn to take over brewing. Right, Fluffy? Right?

Aww, sucks.

14th Malachite
STUPID. PURPLE. GO. AWAY.

19th Galena
It has been a long time since I last drew! I've been really busy lately. I've had more wine trees to harvest and plant. I've had stuff to move around and put away. I've made more ale too, so I have lots of food and drink stocks now. I've even carved a few statues and put up in my home. They help to keep the sadness away, almost as much as Fluffy!

I even made some more doors, and dug out a new room. By working together with Fluffy we have WON the Great Colour Battle! We have defeated the purple!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df011.PNG)

Yaaaaay!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on November 03, 2008, 11:08:29 pm

I think that is was more a violet personally. Purple, as a color, is pure good.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this! :)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jetman123 on November 04, 2008, 03:04:42 pm

Still laughing. I demand more!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Frelock on November 04, 2008, 05:05:25 pm

So, like with all demands, everybody ignores it, you get an unhappy thought, and fortress life goes on.

Consider yourself lucky. If it were a mandate, you'd be dead...

Fun fact:
Purple does not travel through diagonals, while dwarves can!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 04, 2008, 07:49:03 pm

- CHAPTER FOUR: The Best Laid Plans Of Mice And Men Have Nothing On Those Of Cats -

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

19th Galena
The miasma problem has been dealt with, for the moment at least. The inside refuse dump may be safer and more convenient but it is useless if the oaf doesn't remember to use it. Too often recently I have found him caught up in digging out rock or making barrels rather than cleaning up after me. I suspect we have not seen the last of his "purple". Another thing that delays the creation of my palace.

In any case, there are more pressing problems to deal with. Now that the oaf's basic needs of food, drink and, tch, "happiness" are taken care of I plan to move onto defence. As of now the only thing between us and a goblin ambush is a single birchen door. Of course I have been able to take care of any invaders thus far (those lizard SCUM have paid the ultimate price for daring to walk my halls!) but what if something attacks while I am sleeping, or sharpening my claws, or there is a ball of yarn nearby and - NO, scratch that last one.

Ahem. While the oaf has wasted time brewing, I have devised a plan for our initial defences. It will require some effort, but the end result should be ... entertaining, to say the least. Heh heh heh. First I will see additional channels and twisting passages dug, and then a number of floodgates installed. This will allow any invaders to be forced through a longer, trapped pathway and any survivors drowned. The slightly declination in terrain to the north should also allow the excess water to freely drain away once the invaders are dead, before opening up the entrance again. I shall begin drawing subtle scratchings around the fortress to "inspire" the oaf.

1st Limestone
Progress is minimal; the mechanic's workshop has not even been completed yet, let alone the parts needed for the levers. It is already Autumn. I have revised my initial plan; I shall first encourage the oaf to construct a well. It should be a quicker and simpler process. By teaching him the basics first I reduce the chance of having him flooding my palace before it is even constructed.

And I suppose it would do not good if he dehydrated, either.

11th Limestone
Progress is virtually nonexistent. First the oaf decided HE should be the one having a CATnap. Then he was thirsty. Then he had the harvest to deal with, even though he must already have YEARS of food for a single dwarf. I might have to reduce the farm plot if this continues to be a problem, or perhaps distract him from planting seeds during certain seasons. (Even "cute" has its uses, ugh.) Then there's the outpost liason that ...

Wait, what? NO. I will not allow this! This fortress is mine and this oaf, damn him, is my oaf. I will not allow any other dwarves to meddle with my work. The liason must be here to investigate the disappearance of my last slaves. If Doomhammer is found responsible ... I will not let that happen. I can faintly hear merchants as well. If the oaf is taken, what will happen to me? I will NOT be caged like some mere pet to be traded away to some filthy elf. And it would be a metal cage too, what with the hypocritical fancies of their kind. I cannot STAND sleeping in metal. It's like wearing armour, that doesn't even fit. I do not require armour like some pathetic dwarf, I am a free and agile cat! And do you know how hard it is to catspode through cages anyway? It CHAFES, damn it! My sexual romps WILL be comfortable, they WILL be carefree and I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!

So yes, I locked the door. I don't think the oaf even knows they're out there.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df012.PNG)

14th Limstone
I have just realised something. To build a well, I require either a rope or a chain, neither of which the oaf is able to produce at the moment. That's awkward.

Hmm.

5th Sandstone
We have struck amethyst, but still have found no metal ores underneath our fortress. Undeterred, I had the requisite workshops built to forge a chain once we have the raw ingredients. The exploratory mining is going slowly, and I suspect it will be long after winter before the well is complete. By my calculations the oaf should have enough booze to last him, or at least brew some more from spare plants. I will try another small grid deeper underneath the fortress, but if that uncovers nothing I shall revert to constructing defences instead. We certainly have plenty of stone for simple traps now.

8th Sandstone
"I've struck TALC!"
"I've struck MICROLINE!"
"I've struck, um, SOME GREEN STONE!"
"I've struck ... MORE MICROLINE!"
For the love of all tuna must that oaf sound so excited ALL THE TIME?! I think I preferred him when he was mopey. This situation must be rectified with additional face scratching.

4th Timber
Hmph, apparently the oaf is (only slightly) more perceptive than I thought. After taking a break from mining to plant more seeds he has finally realised there is somebody waiting outside.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df013.PNG)

Luckily I had the foresight the hide the door's remote control and the oaf is too lazy to walk up and change the channel, I mean, passage settings on the door himself. Now he's just standing nearby, attempting unsuccessfully to yell through the door. I have no intention of allowing this meeting, and if that means some time is lost in the meanwhile, so be it.

14th Timber
Doomhammer is either the most patient, or must FUNDAMENTALLY RETARDED dwarf I have ever had the displeasure of taming. Aside from two brief drinks he's STILL STANDING THERE.

16th Timber
Finally! The oaf's will has broken and he's resumed working. He's still had no luck with the mining, but at least the oaf is getting faster at finding nothing. I suspect it may have been faster to try gathering seeds and go with the cloth route. It would have required an outside wall constructed for safety, but nevertheless ... Hmm. If nothing else, I could construct our defences, lure a few attackers inside and then scavenge anything metal from the corpses.

7th Moonstone
Of COURSE the river didn't freeze anyway, it's a WARM CLIMATE! You'll have to excuse me, I need to go murder some vermin to calm down.

ARGH.

And now, it's time for ...
The Continuing Adventures of Sibrek Abirsazir

1st Galena
The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness annual sweepstakes of doooooom has been drawn! To ~~everyone~~ NOBODY's surprise, the winner was Fluffycuddlekissesjoy. He applied to join us sometime last year, but was too young to be accepted. I ~~guess~~ know that ~~somebody~~ The, uh, Fallen Risen ... One wrote down his name out of pity. I shall be delivering their prize at once: Detailed spoilers from the author for the 6th fortress.

Ooh, General Nice is in that one. But, ah, We already knew that.

11th Limestone
After quite several weeks of wandering around lost trying to find the forwarding address (EXACTLY AS PLANNED) I have arrived at Fluffy's most recent abode. After doing a quick run through of my just enigmatic enough statements ("Only when the true heroes are caught red handed shall destruction set you free" has a nice ring to it.) I knock loudly on the door and wait for Fluffy to answer.

11th Sandstone
I have been waiting for one month now, but still no answer. Fluffy must not have heard me this time, but they Elders have seen from the eyes of Armok himself that the very fate of our dwarven race shall one day be held by this kitten. I shall knock louder this time.

15th Timber
...

3rd Moonstone
I ... I don't think he's going to answer.

[Author's Note: I'll start actually achieving things in the next chapter, honest!]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Turnip on November 06, 2008, 05:33:48 pm

Great story. Keep it coming.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 07, 2008, 07:30:05 am

- CHAPTER FIVE: A Good Reason Why "Let's Works" Never Caught On -

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

7th Moonstone
I had a thought today! My home is getting pretty big and awesome now. There's all kinds of stuff to do. But I'm the only one here (Except for Fluffy! But Fluffy can't right vrey well wit hiz pores.) so that makes me all KINDS of job doers at once. I'm a leader, a manager, a bookkeeper, a broker ... I mean, wow, that's pretty impressive for just one dwarf! I'm so awesome, being four people at once.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df014.PNG)

Haha, no that's silly. There couldn't be more mes than just little lovable ME!

*Awkward lack of doodlings*

Anyway I need an office to keep track of things, so I'm going to do that now. Fluffy doesn't look happy about it. He keeps walking around the unfinished well and empty entrance. Maybe he's just thirsty?

28th Moonstone
Updating records is BORING. Hacking pieces of rock into shape is much more fun than these weird number things. But I finally finished. Okay, maybe I had to cheat a little bit by getting Fluffy's help, but it was HARD! I didn't even know numbers went that high, but we have even more stuff than that. Like, fourty six prepared meals, twenty one drinks and something like "two hundred and twenty" stones, oh my god!

10th Opal
I've almost finished building the well! Well, not really. (Hahaha, that's funny.) I still can't find anything to make the well with, but I'm ready to fill up my little indoor lake thing with water. I just need to go outside and channel into the river! But I'm sure I can still hear somebody outside, They're starting to scare me a little bit with how long they've been there. I'm going to make more stuff with stone instead for now.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df015.PNG)

18th Obsidian
My stockpile is very full now. I've made a whole bunch of mechanisms and floodgates to use later. I can still hear someone outside. They're listening in my sleep. I'm scared. Hold me, Fluffy.

1st Granite
I just realised something. It's been a whole year since I met Urist and those other dwarves, and began making my home. That's a long time. Lately I've been digging around in some other levels of rock. I still haven't found anything. Maybe I need to dig larger areas? Anyway, I guess I'd better update my records again. More stone to count. "Yay".

The scary man is still outside. I keep stopping to listen for the sounds of his breathing. I can't work. Can't think. Can't take this much longer.

15th Granite
The breathing has multiplied. Someone else is out there. Who? Who? WHO?

26th Granite
Oooooh! I've struck gold opal! Shiny. Useless.

9th Slate
I've struck HEMATITE! I can make IRON with hematite. I can make CHAINS and WEAPONS and STUFF with iron! I can make WELLS with chains, and TRAPS with weapons, and MORE STUFF with stuff! But my stalker is still waiting outside. How am I going to get fuel to melt things?

Aww, this sucks.

13th Slate
The breathing has multiplied again. There must at least a dozen people outside. I don't know if they are merchants or migrants or EVIL ANT OVERLORDS. I haven't heard anything yelling or anything. They must be friends of my stalker. It's not safe to let anyone in my home but me and Fluffy. I need wood badly. Not sure what to do. I wish somebody else stronger could come and deal with all this. I hope everyone goes away soon.

24th Slate
I finished digging out all the ore today. I don't have anywhere to store it yet. I don't have fuel to melt it yet. Some of the voices are gone, but most of them are still there. I'll pass some more time by making my stockpile bigger. That way I can have some parts just for wood and some parts just for metal. And maybe little parts for gems and weapons and stuff. Then I'll have to start hauling everything into place.

... This could take a while!

And now, it's time for ...
What Would Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Do?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df016.PNG)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df017.PNG)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df018.PNG)

Mwahahaha!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df019.PNG)

You readers saw NOTHING, you hear me?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df020.PNG)

Meanwhile, the liaison is muttering something about the oaf probably just being the in the toilet and that he'll answer the door any day now.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df021.PNG)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df022.PNG)

Once more, mwahahaha!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df023.PNG)

Argh, of ALL THE TIMES and ALL THE PLACES ... It's like the RNG spawned that kobold just to free the bastard.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df024.PNG)

Fuck it, I give up. The oaf's been looking edgy lately, maybe he'll scare the liaison off. Anything that will stop the oaf standing around distracted all the time and back out into the open where he continue unhindered in the -

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df025.PNG)

Ah! The alligator! Dear god, Doomhammer, GET BACK INSIDE AND LOCK THE DOOR!

[Author's Note: There wasn't quite enough water to drown the migrants so at the moment they're all learning to swim. And dehydrating, somehow!]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Turnip on November 07, 2008, 05:54:27 pm

I want doomhammer to build a giant statue of fluffycuddleskissesjoy

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: rickvoid on November 07, 2008, 06:48:36 pm

Not sure what is funnier; The fact that the cat is trying to drown the migrants, or the fact that the cat is failing.
;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 07, 2008, 06:50:37 pm

Quote from: Turnip on November 07, 2008, 05:54:27 pm

I want doomhammer to build a giant statue of fluffycuddleskissesjoy

Unless five stone walls artfully arranged in the shape of a "c" counts, that's probably not happening! :P

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Turnip on November 07, 2008, 07:14:31 pm

if you hack them to be engraved, I'll be happy.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 08, 2008, 01:21:51 am

- CHAPTER SIX: If You Build It, They Better Stay The Hell Away -

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

1st Hematite?
I've finished stockpiling and counting stuff. When I woke this morning the breathing had gone, but there were sections of wall missing and blood spilled over the entrance ... My stalker must have got a nosebleed and went away or something. Whatever, now I can go outside and collect wood again!

24nd Hematite
I haven't collected much wood at all. That alligator is much more scary than ants ever were. Like ... "two hundred and twenty" times scarier even! It came close a few times, just watching me while it walked passed. Thing like that are why I only sleep every month or so. Anyway I have enough wood to burn for fuel. Now I can finish my well! I'll need much MORE wood to finish EVERYTHING I want. If only that nasty alligator wasn't there. If only I had a strong, fast friend that could protect me while outside. If only these two events could somehow coincide with each other ...

Hmm ...

... Nope, I can't think of anything.

19th Malachite
My well is finally done!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df026.PNG)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df027.PNG)

Now I can drink water without having to walk ALL the way out to the river and past alligators and ants and stuff. I'd rather drink booze OBVIOUSLY, but just in case I run out or something. And anyway the well LOOKS nice! It's my meeting hall now. I meet Fluffy there all the time. We talk about the dwarven economy over a glass of wine. (We're totally rich and posh.) Fluffy says Obama should just turn it off in America's init file. I don't know what Fluffy means either.

12th Galena
I've removed my old doors and built three floodgates to stop anybody coming in. The middle one is controlled by one lever, and the outer two are controlled by a second. I also built two other levers to use later. Have to remember which is which. Sticky notes are my friends.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df028.PNG)

I can't get both the outer floodgates to open at the same time. Um. Maybe if I pull the lever enough times ... ?

15th Galena
Okay, it's working right now! I also got this weird feeling something grew up to be a dog today. Weird, huh?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df029.PNG)

[Author's Note: There is also a female puppy in there. If those two somehow survive and start breeding ... Fluffy will not be amused? O_o]

3rd Limestone
I'm in the middle of doing a lot of digging now. It's only dirt and stuff that I'm going through so that's easy but still. These passageways are kind of confusing. I got lost a few times and went the LONG way around to dig out a few spaces. I've got a headache now. That's the point, but. Any nasty people trying to get into my home will have to walk a REALLY LONG WAY when I put up the middle floodgate. Then they'll give up and go away. Plus once I've put in a few more floodgates it can double as really fun water slide!

Or I guess I could put traps, like, EVERYWHERE along the path but that would take AGES and that's not much fun anyway.

9th Limestone
A bunch of merchants and some official dwarf guy have turned up to try my water slide! But aww, they're too early. The floodgates and everything are mostly ready but I haven't had time to channel into the river yet. I guess I'll just have to tell everyone to go away and come back later.

I hope the purple everywhere doesn't scare them off coming back later. I haven't stopped to clean or anything for a while. My home is pretty icky. But it doesn't scare me much anymore. I close my eyes when I'm near the purple and pretend it's all black like the mines. Except my mines that are green or white or something. Anyway I don't think the official is worried because he keeps chasing me around everywhere. I don't know if he's making fun of Fluffy of what. I'm too busy to play tag, go away!

16th Limestone
WAIT. I just had the BEST IDEA EVER! I could make friends with that alligator and then he could defend me above ground and keep Fluffy company and maybe even swim through my water slide and it would be the most best awesome thing ever and we could ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df030.PNG)

... Oh. Nevermind. Well, it's time to test out my water slide. Fluffy looks a little scared. As if I would do something wrong! Okay, first I seal the entrance. Then I open the outer floodgates. Hmm, this is going to take a while. I guess I'll make some more mechanisms and statues and stuff while it powers up.

28th Limestone
Whee!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df031.PNG)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Turnip on November 08, 2008, 06:51:00 pm

BUILD GIANT MICROCLINE MONUMENT TO FLUFFYCUDDLESKISSESJOY

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 08, 2008, 08:59:21 pm

- CHAPTER SEVEN: In Which Reader Requests Are Apparently Taken -

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

20th Sandstone
Our first major defence is up, and somehow the oaf actually managed to not drown us all. Then again, given the speed at which water is flowing through the entrance detour any invaders are more likely to starve before they drown. Hopefully the oaf is smart enough (dear god, did I actually just say that?) to install at least a few traps along the detour. We're not always going to have six months to drown the bastards. And then wait for the water to drain.

We're still waiting for the water to dry up enough now that the oaf can fetch more wood without muddying my palace to be. Tch, I might as well put him to work in the meantime. If I purr enough around the few gems he might start decorating the place up a bit. Armok knows this place needs it.

10th Timber
The oaf has mostly finished cutting the few gems he found mining earlier. It's as slow as everything else is in this place, but at least he produced one each large gold opal and amethyst. While watching over our water trap today I took some amusement in noticing a rainbow trout swimming around. The trap has nearly dried out, so I suspect it won't be swimming much longer, mwahahaha.

20th Timber
The oaf awoke this morning with the brilliant idea of encrusting some random mechanism with the gems rather than anything, say, useful. I resorted to shoving one of his statues over to get him away from wasting any more gems. He's brewing and planting at the moment, but he sounds quite excited to be able to gather more wood shortly. Next time I shall make sure there are less trivial things in my stockpile before encouraging him to decorate them.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df032.PNG)

9th Moonstone
I have noticed it takes a disturbingly long period of time between the oaf deciding to pull one the levers and the levers actually being pulled. The purpose of the detour is to greatly delay enemy invaders and allow them to be trapped inside but I worry that no delay could be as great as those provided by Doomhammer himself. Tch, those traps must be built soon.

The oaf seems to be going a bit overboard in his treefelling at the moment. He just keeps hacking down the trees muttering darkly about revenge. Knowing him, the next moment he'll be all smiles and laughter, and wondering just how he plans to carry all that wood inside.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df033.PNG)

... And it looks like his plan is to carefully update his stockpile records to reflect how much dead wood has been left unused out in the open. Wonderful.

21st Opal
Alongside attempting to create the most unnecessarily large food and drink stockpile ever for a single dwarf, the oaf is constructing traps along the detour. At the entrance are ten stone fall traps. They're only one shot and it takes some time for a single dwarf to reload them, but the time and resources to construct decent weapon traps would be moreso unrealistic. We always have the "Death By Boredom" drowing trap. If any invaders survive that, there are four cage traps placed at the other end to catch any survivors for my ... amusement. In any case, it shouldn't ... shouldn't ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df034.PNG)

... What the fuck?

6th Obsidian
The rain. It must have flooded the pit where the migrants died, letting the animals swim through to the original pond and out into the open. The defences were open while the oaf were improving them, so they just waltzed right in. There's two dogs, a puppy, and two horses. I'm not sure if that counts as breaking the hermit challenge or not, but what I do know is that the oaf is "on break" at the well getting cozy with the lot of them. Bah, those stupid mutts and useless meatsacks will be struck down by the end of the week and we can get back to defending just the two of us.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df035.PNG)

27th Obsidian
The defences are back online, but the newcomers are on the wrong side. Look at those useless animals, standing around clogging up the hallways. I hunt vermin and keep this place clean, and what do they do? Nothing. But lately the oaf has been spending more time combing those horses than keeping me amused!

17th Granite
I don't know WHAT the oaf has been wasting his time doing lately, but it's certainly not cleaning. Miasma is stinking my not quite a palace up again. It's probably all coming from those filthy mutts. I'm just waiting for one of them to fall in the well or something equally stupid. I'd push them myself if it wouldn't taint our water supply. But no, the oaf would rather chisel away more statues that we don't have the space to put anywhere.

Elves arrived today, hoping to trade or some nonsense. At least the oaf did one thing right by locking them out completely. Although I was hoping he might be willing to forge some metal cages and trade away those mutts. Now he's skipping around like some school girl claiming he's a "legendary" miner. I thought legends were supposed to be about brave heroes who slew dragons or saved the world, not some idiot repeatedly smashing rock into pieces.

13th Slate
I caught an increasingly rare glimpse of the oaf today. His hands were raw and bloody, and he looked like he'd fallen asleep on the floor recently. Useless cretin. Perhaps he fell into one of his darker moods and decided to start fighting the walls? Ha! More likely he caught something from those useless horses. I said we should have butchered the lot of them, but did he listen? Hmph.

Somehow more migrants arrived today. Normally I might imagine some suitable punishment for their trespassing, but I can not summon the effort. Let them go mad outside.

4th Hematite
"Happy Growingupday Fluffycuddlekissesjoy! Thanks for all the vermin catching and everying! I built this tomb in your honor, isn't just awesome?!"

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df036.PNG)

I ... He ... That's ... But he ... I don't know what to say. It's so beautiful. The - Doomhammer - smoothed and engraved it all himself. He even used all his precious shiny gems in the windows and encrusted on the tomb's door. Aww, Doomhammer, you shouldn't ...

AHEM. That is, this display of affection is adequate. Now, what's say we throw those useless mutts into a pit somewhere and start making this hole and palace?

...

What do you MEAN they're still pets even when the owners are dead?! Ugh, forget that. We'll build another butcher's shop inside and off the bastards. Useless oaf.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Turnip on November 08, 2008, 11:38:15 pm

Well, I have to admit its pretty epic.
but theres no microcline.
any retarded dwarf like doomhammer would think microcline is awesome.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 09, 2008, 06:38:33 am

- CHAPTER EIGHT: Something Like A Montage -

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

12th Hematite
So it turns out that the oaf will dump the animals in the pit. Once he decided one of the animals was ready for slaughter it occurred to him that it wasn't really a pet anymore, after which he could change his mind and assigned it to the pit instead. Now we have a breeding pair of dogs and horses safely contained. In time they shall provide a stupidly loyal army, and a steady supply of meat and bones. For now it pleases me to watch the mutts trying to alternately escape or get intimate with the horses watching.

Not ... not in a sexual way, if that's what you were thinking. No.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df037.PNG)

The Ponderings of Cerol Nimakingiz, Clothier

14th Malachite
It's been another horrible day. Our useless hunter has been chasing around wild horses again, swearing that this time he'll catch them, but he always comes back empty handed. I try not to cry in front of the darling children when I tell them we're having another vermin catching competition. Somehow they manage to laugh when they beat daddy. I can smell food from inside the fortress here, but it's sealed off and won't open no matter how much I bang on the floodgates. If there is anybody inside, I hope they rot in hell.

And worst of all, those flies are really annoying.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df038.PNG)

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

24rd Malachite
I'm a soldier now! Well, kinda. I forged myself an iron crossbow. Then I built another workshop and carved out wooden bolts to shoot. Then I dug out a neat little practise archery range thing with a target and everything. I smoothed the room out so it looked neat and did some fortifications. Now if I catch any invaders alive I can put them in this little box and open the cage from a distance. They'll be stuck, but I can use THEM as target practise through the holes in the wall. Well, the stone target is fine for now. I drafted myself, which made me sadder for some reason. Then I went off duty with my new weapon and everything but didn't end up using the target. I probably don't have enough bolts to waste or something, so I'll try again later.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df039.PNG)

Oh! And we have a new little foal now. I had to ask Fluffy where it came from and, eww, I really don't want to think about that. I'm going to update my records in REALLY stupidly detailed detail to get my mind off it. And just 'cause I want to be legendary in something else.

The Ponderings of Cerol Nimakingiz, Clothier

11th Galena
I can't take this anymore ... Why won't those elvish merchants HELP us? They just sit at the edge of map, complaining about the lack of trade depots ... I've started writing a letter ... in blood ... to the king ... our peace ... was ... always ... a sham ...

I'm dying ... I might as well go ... with the stupidest, narmest, most foreshadowing ruining noise I can ...

GACK-AAAAACKLER-ARGH-SPLATTERPUS-ow. *Dies ... hilariously!*

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

27th Galena
The corpse of some migrant has washed into our water trap. If we're forced to use the floodgates now, the first thing any invaders would see in the first slow moving wave would be a soaked, rotten dwarven body being pushed along towards them.

That is awesome. It sure is a good thing that that could never happen to any of our good friendly PCs wandering around, of course! No, never. ... Ever.

Are you getting all this, fate?

8th Timber
More. Damned. Migrants. The last ones haven't all died yet, either. This requires drastic measures to reclaim the surface. And by drastic, I mean drowning. Or starving. It'll be a very long, very painful race. For them! Mwahahaha. And to think, if only one of them had brought a female cat these deaths could have all been avoided ...

I very much doubt we'll be attacked by building destroyers here, so I'll have the oaf dig a back exit to my palace. He can block it with a hatch and just use it while the water trap is active. The oaf himself is declaring himself a legend of keeping track of things now. Which is somewhat ironic given HE hasn't noticed the starving dwarves outside. How he managed to increase his agility while sitting, writing at his desk is another mystery. Perhaps he has been watching too much Death Note.

Meanwhile, some sulky migrant has decided to kick down our old butcher's shop outside. That's nice, it saved the oaf the trouble of deconstructing it later. Aside from "a oak logs", there's also nineteen bones left out there. I've allocated part of our stockpile for their safekeeping, and the oaf can make bolts to practise with later. I wonder if the fool can tell the difference between horse bones ... and dwarves.

... Doomhammer ... What the HECK are you doing over there?!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df040.PNG)

That's just ... you're not ... while they're ... SCREW IT. You know what? It's NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. I can't take this naivety and foolishness anymore. I bet that tomb was actually assigned to HIM just to keep HIM happy, anyway. I'm out of here, to find somewhere I have a better chance of attracting a queen, and a slave who actually likes cats on their preference screen. Catsplosion can wait a little while yet.

I'm LEAVING, you useless dwarf, do you HEAR ME!?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df041.PNG)

The Many Complaints of Kadol Atorilral, Armorsmith

14th Timber
Doomhammer, sir. I do appreciate the time you've taken to conduct this meeting with me in your office, but I'm afraid I must bring several pressing matters to your attention. Now, I've heard that before now you've been living alone here, which is fine and good, but right now there are several hungry dwarves in your home and it is simply not right that we do not have proper sleeping arrangements, tables and so on. Expansion is going to have to come soon, because this place is getting crowded.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df042.PNG)

Also, it has come to my attention that you "rushed" to seal the gates once you knew we were hear. This is not acceptable behaviour especially when several of my friends now stranded outside or in your ludicrously long entrance passage that ...

... What do you mean, that was the point? No, we are not ... If you'll just let me ... FINE. If you will not share your supplies willingly, we shall simply to have to force you. DWARVISH BROTHERS, TO ARMS ending in greedy hands! This fortress is now OURS.

... Um, are you okay, sir? I am sorry for that, but oh god oh god what are you doing with that please we can talk this through reasonably GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT PICK YOU -

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

30th Timber
My head hurts again. My home is a mess and I can't find Fluffy anywhere. I keep blacking out and I'm scared. I can hear friendly dwarves nearby but they're fighting and there's blood and some official is investigating and I don't know what to do anymore. I have ... I have to calm everyone down. Of course! My water slide! Somebody's been rampaging around here and the sticky notes are all messed up but I think I just need to throw these levers and ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df043.PNG)

18th Moonstone
I think I messed something up the water isn't draining there's a body that collapsed on one of my traps kobolds are above ground stealing used dresses are they crossdressing or what I don't know but it's scary and I don't know what to do I need to think I can't ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df044.PNG)

Oh please no FLUFFY! FLLLUUUUUUFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Will Fluffy survive the slowly filling water trap? Will Doomhammer remain sane with all the chaos that has come to his fortress? Will the author snap, give up, and flood the whole fortress just for the hell of it? The plot moves ever onwards, and only thing is sure ... one fortress must end, so that a new challenge may begin ...

All this if not slightly less will be revealed in the next chapter of All Dwarves Are Bastards!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Turnip on November 09, 2008, 03:40:17 pm

NO NOT FLUFFY :(
PLOT TWIST
FLUFFIES GOING TO DIE :(

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 10, 2008, 06:55:03 pm

- CHAPTER NINE: ~~The~~ An ~~Final~~ Opening ~~Battle~~ Other Thing -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

1st Opal

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df045.PNG)

You would never think that they were being slowly flooded, hmm?

Ah, but of course, I begin too soon.

I have been watching this dwarf for some time now. The rumours of half a dozen dwarves disappearing traveled quickly in our restless times, followed by the usual whispered accusations: Did they simply perish to wildlife, or was it the elves? Did they escape, could the barriers finally be weakening? Are they even now trapped in goblin cages? There is no denying the suspicion we dwarves hold of the natives here, and them us, but nobody risked accusations in public.

I paid the stories little heed at first, but sent a few restless mooks to investigate anyway. What they found intrigued me: The bodies, starved and stripped, sealed away in a shallow tomb. This was no accident, but I knew it was no elves either. I had the area watched and soon enough recieved a report that a single dwarf was hiding nearby, occasionally emerging to collect wood and the like, but never when anybody else was passing by. Peaceful, for the most part, but with a temper like wildfire. When I heard of the Council's visit, I decided it was time to go in person.

It took some time to be sure, but I now know that it is him; Doomhammer, rapist to the land and once king to the dwarves. The elves must have lied about the total mindwipe, perhaps thinking it sufficient to merely seal away his cursed knowledge. Several times I have seen him rage again, while his childlike persona lies dormant, unaware. Common knowledge to men and dwarves alike would say that our once king perished when he was cast out. The Council must not know, or they would have claimed him already. Doomhammer himself must not know, not yet. He shall prove a powerful tool ... or weapon, perhaps.

As I speak there is bloodshed around and within Doomhammer's fortress. Too much for this place to remain a secret much longer, to the Council or our king elect. My plans must advance sooner than I had hoped.

16th Opal
The first of the migrants has died within Doomhammer's flooding chambers, by dehydration. A Rime of the Ancient Mariner reference would seem appropriate. I wonder where the blame for the death truly rests; Doomhammer, the once king, or that curious feline caught within its grasp. Perhaps all three. Perhaps none. I matters little, in the end.

Doomhammer is busying himself over his forge, crafting heavy armour.

10th Obsidian
The last of the migrants have perished, starved before the water could claim them. I can not hear or see Doomhammer, and so presume that he is mining somewhere deep underground. For his innocent side to finally know these deaths were of "his" cause must be a notable strain, however, he will not suicide. Not while the once king rages inside him.

20th Obsidian
From how long Doomhammer has been in the mines without a break, and given the geology of the land, I can safely assume he has finally struck magnetite. Finding fuel for his smelter will prove the greater challenge than finding ore now, if he were to stay. He must feel proud. It is almost a shame he will be soon be in a place with ample supplies of either, but, I am sure some other greedy dwarf will lay claim to Doomhammer's success some day, hmm. Meanwhile, the water trap has begun to drain. Once it safe, I shall make my entrance and claim something of my own.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df046.PNG)

17th Granite
It is increasingly tempting to construct several pumps and have the mooks empty out the water trap faster. The image I must present to Doomhammer to receive his support, however, is a different one ...

Well, well, well. Look what washed up alive and well, if a touch angry.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df047.PNG)

That cat has spirit, if nothing else. And there always are a few too many vermin where I choose to dwell ...

19th Slate
It is time. The water has cleared enough to avoid any problems when I override the floodgates - since the cat left Doomhammer my trained vermin were able to bring me the codes. Faintly I can hear Doomhammer practising his archery skills underground. His shots are slow, and somewhat sloppy; I will not be at risk today. I shall open with a blunt accusation of murder, to put him on the defensive, however the presence of his beloved cat will distract him. I'll use that to bring up the more positive construction of the tomb, and his potential. He'll be suspicious, but after so long alone he'll listen. I'll offer him a chance to do the one thing that even his innocent mind will still crave: learn. He'll waver, but at that point it will take nothing more than a few promises to have him leave into the welcoming hands of a few reliable mooks.

It will take some time to train him and, more importantly, to understand him. But then my sleeve shall have it's ace. I will be able to return to other matters, and I do not doubt that in time my plans shall come to fruition and then ...

Justice will be done.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df048.PNG)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 10, 2008, 07:00:26 pm

- A Note Regarding Future Community Fortresses -

Please note I'll be taking a short break before starting the next fortress. This felt like a good time to move on storywise, but I plan on running it ingame a bit longer, maybe give my mind a rest with some Super Smash Brothers. :P

Anyway, the next fortress (and, for that matter, probably all others following) I'll run as a community. I have three main plot/narrator dwarves in this one so that leaves FOUR starting dwarves up for grabs by anyone who feels like one. Just give me a name and any skills or items to embark with and you're in. (I would ... recommend one military skill for this particular fortress, yes.) If all four are taken, you can still claim a migrant when any arrive. Any other requests or preferences regarding your dwarf when the fortress is running will be taken into consideration if they're reasonable, and quite possibly even if they're not. ;)

FYI, the "plot dwarves" for Fortress #2 will be Lord Ruins (3 Miner / 2 Mason / 5 Armor User), Fatman (2 Grower / 2 Brewer / 2 Cook / 4 Macedwarf) and The Tax Collector (3 Appraiser / 2 Building Designer / 3 Record Keeper / 2 Judge of Intent). I might tweak those a bit, but you get the idea.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: rickvoid on November 10, 2008, 08:46:56 pm

Name: Kragus, Bone Master
Skills: Bonecrafter 5/Swimmer 1/HammerDwarf 2/Miner 2
Items: Bring some turtles and fish, so I have something to craft. Until we get a craftsdwarf shop, have me help carve up the mountain! Strike the earth!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Frelock on November 11, 2008, 02:42:32 am

Name: Ivanor, High Tinker
Skills: Siege Engineer 5/Mechanic 3/Wrestler 2
Items: Wood for ballistas (if we need it) and Bauxite for mechanisms (if there's magma).

Thanks for making this a community. I've had a great time reading up till now, and I think it will only get better. Best of luck!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Flintus10 on November 11, 2008, 03:52:52 am

Name:Flint, Merchant of Death
Proffesion:Hunter
Skills:5 Marksdwarf, 3 Ambusher, 2 Animal trainer
Items:A dog or puppy or anything that can be trained as a hunting dog
Personality:Flint really loves killing things

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Boksi on November 11, 2008, 10:24:41 am

Name: Vidar, that other guy
Profession: Carpenter
Skills: 2 Woodcutter/2 Carpenter/2 Bowyer/2 Axedwarf/2 Marksdwarf
Items: Some of his favorite booze if he has one, otherwise just some booze. Also some armour and weapons if possible.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jamini on November 12, 2008, 01:46:17 am

Bloody hell that filled fast.

If you plan on getting migrants:

Name: Nym
Profession: Tanner, Leatherworker, Gem Cutter, Gem Setter, Animal Trainer, Animal Caretaker
Preferred Personality Traits: Likes Intellectual Discussions, Has artistic sensitivity, is somewhat reserved.
Backstory: Nym is an older dwarf who left his/her original home after an embarrassing incident involving a bear tamed by him/her and the Countess Consort's unusual fetishes. Now s/he is simply looking for a quiet place to settle down and hide away from the overly-grateful Countess and her Bear Consort. Preferrably a place where people don't ask too many questions.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: rickvoid on November 12, 2008, 05:06:54 pm

Quote from: Jamini on November 12, 2008, 01:46:17 am

Bloody hell that filled fast.

If you plan on getting migrants:

Name: Nym
Profession: Tanner, Leatherworker, Gem Cutter, Gem Setter, Animal Trainer, Animal Caretaker
Preferred Personality Traits: Likes Intellectual Discussions, Has artistic sensitivity, is somewhat reserved.
Backstory: Nym is an older dwarf who left his/her original home after an embarrassing incident involving a bear tamed by him/her and the Countess Consort's unusual fetishes. Now s/he is simply looking for a quiet place to settle down and hide away from the overly-grateful Countess and her Bear Consort. Preferrably a place where people don't ask too many questions.

"My eyes, ze burn! Ze goggles, ze do nothing!!"
;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on November 12, 2008, 05:34:38 pm

Jamni, I know want to join this fortress.

Name: Strife (as always)
Profession: Brewer

Strife is suprisingly health concious and promotes everyone to drink lo-cal drinks, like Vodka.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: muwahahaha on November 13, 2008, 05:43:51 am

Whoo! Migrant!

Name:Kornash
Profession: Swordsdwarf (preferably in a high 'rank' among the military)
Preferable Gender: Male
Preferable Personality: Is quick to anger, is assertive, is rarely happy or enthusiastic, has a strong sense of duty, tends to avoid crowds, possesses great willpower, does not display his own emotions and has no awareness of them.

(I don't really mind if they have none of these traits but it'd be REALLY cool if they did, just for the sake of the story)

Forced to witness the bloody murder of his family before his eyes as a child, Kornash grew up filled with hatred not only for goblins, but also elves and humans. He wholeheartedly believes that only dwarves are fit to live on this world. Since his childhood incident, Kornash has trained with swords and armor on his own in secret. Upon hearing of this expedition he finally found a way that he could use his talents for good. Although he is somewhat unskilled with his weapon of choice, he is a fast learner and his seeming lack of emotion makes him a ruthless soldier.

Yay for history!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 13, 2008, 08:35:00 am

- CHAPTER NINE AND A HALF: What. -

Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

Preface
Alright, get it over with.

Yes, you may laugh freely at my name. I know you were thinking about it. I'm long over it, so we might as well deal with the general hilarity and move on straight away. By the time you're reading this, that "stupid" name will be selling millions of copies world wide and putting your mining efforts to shame. Nobody will remember another Urist, Miner, but my old nickname will spread like uncaged cats.

The story behind the name is unfortunate, but simple. My hair growth didn't start until late into puberty when I was seventeen years old, rather than the usual age of four days. My peers thus made the witty observation that instead of looking like a dwarf, I looked like a "short, fat man". The short was dropped for brevity and the nickname stuck well into adulthood.

Here's a fun fact: Did you know that in the time you just spend laughing, you could have brewed TWO barrels of ale? It's much faster than you think when you the know the proper technique. The simplest things ARE important, and so for my first two chapter's I'll be reviewing both ...

Special Feature! But who can I trust?
... Of course, every brand wants you to think they're the tastiest, freshest etc. But how do you know which to trust? Trying them all is expensive and time consuming, but there is one way to narrow down the field: The name. Yes, it IS possible to judge a book by it's cover, and even a packet of frozen cat meat. "Fresh Frozen Daily Cat" sounds fresh, but to the trained eye there's obvious wiggle room for interpretation. Let me share an anecdote to help explain:

Once while I was still gathering and testing recipes for this book, I met a dwarf calling her Lady Ruins. She claimed to be archeologist. It makes sense, right? But, see how it actually held out. Ruins was a new member of the Exploratory Mining Guild, but had already risen high enough to mount her own expedition. I assumed she had family in the business or some other connections. Anyway, she was recruiting members to investigate rumours about old, dwarven ruins underground far to the north. Being short on cash, and hoping to learn about older techniques, I signed up. Before long Ruins had filled out party and pockets and we were off.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df049.PNG)

Aside from our mostly enigmatic leader and my charming self, there were five other dwarves. Kragus seemed overly eager to find the literal bones of any mysterious ancestors. Ivanor's motives were similar to mine, hoping to learn about ancient designs and mechanisms. Flint didn't speak much except to gleefully discuss the possibility of hostile beasts and ancient guardians; I gathered from Ruins he would be our first protection against such. Vidar really liked wood, so why he was even in the Exploratory MINING Guild is anyone's guess. I think he was just happy to be allowed in. Worst was The Tax Collector, some unbearable official who insisted on tagging along to ensure the king elect had his cut of any valuable findings. One moment he'd be waving contracts in our faces and the next he'd be standing stony silent, just watching us.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df050.PNG)

Did I mention Vidar really liked wood? Lady Ruins didn't fund that, Vidar just lugged it along himself "just in case". I didn't ask. What Ruins did fund was mostly standard supplies. I'd be starting a farm for further food and drink, while Kragus would produce crafts we could trade for the rest of our weapons. Flint insisted on ammo, so Ruins bought one. Flint cuddled it at night. Most of the dogs were for breeding. I don't know where the cat came from. Ruins seemed fond of it, if not it her.

We arrived at the site sometime later. Our final destination was reasonably high up a steep cliff, so we had to carry everything up by hand rather than use a wagon. Lady Ruins and Kragus were just starting to dig out an area to store our food (nevermind the bloody wood) when Vidar sort of squeaked and pointed northwards. I turned to look downhill and saw ...

Goblins. Dozens of goblins. They even a demon with them. Now, we were still in a tenuous peace with their race at that time, but it didn't take long for The Tax Collector to helpfully chime in that this was one of their forbidden sacred sites we were trespassing on. If they found us, they'd kill us, and probably claim it as valid ground to break the alliances our king elect had worked years to forge. All because our leader screwed up her map work or something.

So you see, Lady Ruins was not in fact a lady who enjoyed ruins, but a lady who would bring OUR ruin.

Or so we thought anyway until a friendly goblin fishery worker just laughed at our mistake and offered us in for a cold mug of ale while their prisoners helped store our supplies.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df051.PNG)

[Author's Note: AND THEN FATMAN WOKE UP INSTANT RETCON. Did someone say world regeneration time?]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Boksi on November 13, 2008, 01:53:08 pm

World regeneration time.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jamini on November 13, 2008, 04:20:54 pm

World regeneration time.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: rickvoid on November 13, 2008, 05:45:51 pm

What the bloody!?

HIT THE RESET!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Frelock on November 13, 2008, 06:01:11 pm

May I suggest editing goblins in the raws so that they have [CAN_CIV] and [CAN_LEARN] in place of [INTELLIGENT]? This removes the [CAN_SPEAK] tag, making them always at war with you.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on November 14, 2008, 12:59:14 am

Gah! Wait, better yet, do that with the elves. Then give carp [Can_CIV] even though it may cuase a crash.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Flintus10 on November 14, 2008, 04:27:56 am

I already like where my characters going well done ;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 14, 2008, 08:24:16 am

So let me get this straight. Every time I embark on a goblin fortress, regardless of how hostile I've seen goblins be in other fortresses within that world, the goblins will be friendly (and turn out to be 80+% human population, for that matter).

This sucks. Is there anyway to force hostility on embark? I had this perfect little location (well, what I envisaged anyway) and everything, plus I can't say I'm looking forward to messing around with the raws to get things happening. :(

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on November 15, 2008, 12:55:52 am

I'm not sure what you could do, modifing the intellegent tag is pretty easy for a modification though.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 15, 2008, 02:26:26 am

Update: After some modding, worldgen tweaks, repeated regenerations, testing and general frustration I've given up and decided to modify the original challenge into something that those BASTARD PEACE OFFERING GOBLINS deserve and to hell with the plot ramifications that I'll have to figure out at some point.

The new plan is to destroy their friggin' fortress via several cave ins and then unleash demons on any the survivors. It might not be as much of an ongoing challenge, but right now it sounds very satisfying. ;D I'll embark in a terrifying location or something next time.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on November 16, 2008, 01:47:08 am

How dare they be nice! >:(

Now, here is something I was thinking about for a while:
The magma-water powered goblin spaceship.

Inerested?

Plans

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 16, 2008, 07:47:25 am

MEANWHILE, in an alternate continuity A.D.A.B. where the island seemed quite different, our "heroes" are only slightly less trusting, and Vidar is inexplicably less useless; Fatman finds himself distracted while writing the first draft of his cookbook ...

- CHAPTER TEN: Something Is Not Right -

New Fortress!
Destroy the "goblin" fortress via cave ins and the like, then breach their "sacred grounds".
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df052.PNG)

Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

A Recipe for Ruin
Ingredients:
* Oh dear god (Armok or local equivalent)
* There are goblins (4 for each dwarf)
* EVERYWHERE (1 whole)
* We're doomed (4-6 teaspoons to taste)
* I'm too young to die (optional garnish)

Instructions:
1. Panic. As loudly, and as senselessly as possible. This should encourage the few of us with picks to work faster in their effort to delay our inevitable deaths. Once this has begun, continue panicking while hauling all personal possessions away from the goblins' thieving hands.

2. If tea is offered, do not under any circumstances accept it. Tea is for pansies, and the sneaky bastards have probably drugged it. Furthermore, decline all invitations to enter their fortress for the night. If we're lucky enough to wake up alive, we'd probably be hostages. Or worse.

3. ... Did I write goblins? I meant GOBLIN. Despite the design clearly being of a goblin fortress, the only goblin we've spotted while running for our lives as fast as our stubby legs can move us (which makes it rather difficult to continue to jot down these notes, but I am a slave to my craft! Also Ivanor thought it would be hilarious to coat my pen in glue.) was the fortress's leader, Asno. The rest of the population seems to be human. How a single goblin managed to enslave these many humans, or just WHAT he intends to do with them all, I don't know. Maybe we're actually surrounded by goblin ninjas.

4. Kill Vidar. Really. I am the only one one in this doomed expedition able to provide us with food. I am the most important dwarf for our continued survival. So why is it that I am forced to risk my life by running back towards the goblin fortress to carry back LOG AFTER FUCKING LOG while Ruins and Kragus are happy to dig pits in the relative safety of the underground? Kragus carves bones, he is inherently expendable. Ruins says she's planning for the future by digging a stairway that all seven of us can stand on at once with room to spare. If she was so concerned about our future she would have double checked her maps, or be finishing that channel on the surface. Ideally with The Tax Collector on the outside.

5. Once the first level of the fortress is completed, take any possible excuse to abandon your wagon and hide underground. My personal favourite method is to bring my seed bags inside and begin planting in the clay loam floor. When I am forced to waste my time hauling crap back and forth while some goblin overlord smiles and offers me tea EVERY SINGLE TRIP, something is not right.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df053.PNG)

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

22nd Granite
No plans are perfect, it seems. I had considered and planned every possible outcome for this battle, and yet, had not even imagined that Anso would offer peace. Perhaps I truly have been spending too long among dwarves ... Hmm. This place has changed since my spies last saw it. There had always been a few humans here, slaves in all but name mostly, but the change worries me. This site has been special for the goblins long before we dwarves were ever forcefully evicted from the mainlands. Their god once walked here and promised to do so again before the end of the time. There have been no reports of goblins leaving, so, where are they hiding?

Beneath his friendly demeanor Anso sounds nervous; an emotion uncommon for a goblin. I was sure he would order an attack. Could it be that his clan are dead? Perhaps, but I can not think how, and the humans here follow his orders. Anso is afraid to fight. No, he is afraid to be fought. Goblins do not fear their own death, what is he hiding? What is Anso afraid we might uncover? Something is not right.

Of course, once my "mistake" was realised control of the group fell by default into The Tax Collector's hands, taking all official positions. Out of all here, dwarf, man or goblin, he is the only one I am wary of. He observes, and calculates. When Anso found us it took no more than seconds for The Tax Collector to issues the same orders I had planned months in advance: We would retreat slightly away from the fortress, and begin constructing our own underground. All our supplies would be moved inside, and then the entrance sealed off by a ditch until we could ready greater defences or mount an attack. A retractable bridge would allow traders and merchants inside. Even without hostility dwarves would smell out a war, and the riches that came from it. They might come under other guises, but there it was.

Fatman has begun planting the seeds we brought with us. The first level shall also contain a barracks once we have settled in. We now begin digging out the second level, where we shall store and process food (plant or otherwise), as well as military supplies. The third shall contain our meeting hall, dining room, control room and offices plus whatever distractions are required to keep these dwarves "happy". The fourth, workshops. The fifth, stockpiles. The sixth, sleeping quarters. The seventh, our cemetery. Everything will be designed with further expansion in mind.

It is important our fortress is fully running as soon as possible. We have ample food and drink for the time, but production of trade goods will be vital. We need an anvil, and as much imported wood as possible to fuel it. We must ensure a surplus of ale at all times, as we have not yet located a water source. Clothes are not necessary, but for my own peace of mind, preferable. I have new plans for this place, and they do not involve sweaty, uncovered genitals.

Well, The Tax Collector might be cute if he smiled once in a while. But that's completely irrelevant.

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

18th Slate
Our inventory has been stored immediately outside the fortress and the wagon is being disassembled. Bookkeeping has not been performed satisfactorily, however the current situation has resulted in a reassignment of priorities. The initial digging of fortress level two is nearly complete and I have now ordered the cleaning of left over stone in preparation for ordered stockpiles. After sleeping on the floor, I have ordered the sleeping quarters commenced next. The outside ditch remains incomplete, and shall remain a vulnerability until such time as retracting bridge production is available.

16th Felsite
Level two has been cleared. Food and military supplies have now been sorted and moved inside. Our food supplies have been lowered as expected, but remain adequate. When checking our military supplies I discovered forty metal bolts that had gone unnoticed before now; they shall be required if we are attacked too early. I personally have constructed our first four workshops: A butcher's shop, a still, a kitchen and a farmer's workshop. Already our first harvest has come in, and our fields are large enough that Fatman is continually occupied without brewing or cooking. Labor will need to be reassigned to deal with this, but our supplies are sufficient enough that I will keep four dwarves hauling and constructing for the time being.

Additionally, Vidar has begun constructing a wooden pen for our breeding stock. It remains incomplete until door production is available.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df054.PNG)

I shall make a rare personal note. Something is not right. The chances of arriving at this location by luck are minimal; Lady Ruins is statistically at fault. The behaviour of the goblins is nonstandard. Reactions are nonstandard. Lady Ruins is unpleased there is no hostility. Given the logical chain of events, it is highly likely she planned war. I cannot deduce her motives. Flint is unhappy he cannot kill. Kragus is unhappy he cannot loot from the dead. Ivanor is not happy we did not investigate the dark fortress closer. Vidar is not happy other people are touching his wood.* Fatman is not happy because he does not trust the goblins, the only reasonable mood. Even the cat is unhappy, but they are highly random creatures.

[*Author's Note: If you thought that sounded bad, just be glad I didn't give Vidar his own entry: "My wood shall stand tall and proud!", "The breeding stock contained within my wood shall feed this whole fortress!", "My wood was so large I had to have several people carry it inside." etc.]

And now, it's time for ...
What Would Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Do?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df055.PNG)

Dig out three levels underneath and then cave the whole thing in from a distance with supports. We'll see how grand their fortress is when it's underground just like the rest of us.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df056.PNG)

Abuse pump mechanics and flood the bastards out where ... Wait, what happened to water? There was a pond there before. Tch, whatever. I'm sure there's an underground river somewhere we can hook up to the goblin's front door.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df057.PNG)

You'd better believe I'm going to abuse ballista "friendly" fire!

Mwahahaha, get to it Ruins.

... Ruins.

Ugh, damn it. Something is not right when dwarves aren't obeying my every command. For all the oaf's flaws, Doomhammer at least TRIED to do what he THOUGHT I wanted. Ruins just ignores me and keeps digging out that stupidly large fortress of hers. Hmph, at least when my queen and I take it over we won't have to worry about expanding when our litter comes. Why can't I find a dwarf that is both intelligent AND obedient? Everyone keeps talking some nonsense about goblins and danger. If they don't get to work soon, the real danger will be lurking under their noses and biting their ankles. OM NOM NOM indeed.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Boksi on November 16, 2008, 05:33:37 pm

You know, I really want an entry from Vidar now, if only for the constant stream of double entendres. Mind you, they're really quite hard. Very few can do it often in a row.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Frelock on November 17, 2008, 02:14:08 am

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on November 16, 2008, 07:47:25 am

Also Ivanor thought it would be hilarious to coat my pen in glue.

Does Fatman have no sense of humor? Of course it's hilarious. Now I just need to do it to the tax collector when he starts bookkeeping.

Also, ballistae! :D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 19, 2008, 05:55:33 am

- CHAPTER ELEVEN: Slow Progress -

Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

How To: Build A Fortress
... but even the most delicious creations will fall flat if the presentation isn't up to scratch. We're not just talking a mug of beer by the side, the whole dining room, nay, fortress must be perfect to impress your guests. Here's a few simple steps to ensure you're never caught off guard:

Step One: Calm down. No matter how many relatives turn up, or tenuously peaceful goblin enslaved guards are keeping watch on your fortress, you'll achieve nothing if you panic. Okay, I'm calm now. Spending all day and night watching seeds turn into delicious mushroom things is very calming, even if I don't have time to cook them. They don't taste that bad raw. Better than choking on your own blood, anyway. Did I mention I was really very calm now? Everyone else can stay away from my mushrooms and haul some rocks out of the way or something. Ruins and Kragus are doing the stockpiles level now. I'm so calm I'm literally ecstatic. I've fallen in love with Vidar and his wood.

... Wait, WHAAAAAT?!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df058.PNG)

Oh god, the madness is setting in already getmeoutofhere!

Step Two: Size DOES matter. It might be quicker to dig out a few small chambers for you and your family, but what if your friends all decide to sleep over at once, or twenty migrants? Right now The Tax Collector's plans are large enough to accommodate forty or so dwarves. It's taking quite a while to dig everything out and dump the stone away from stockpile areas but everything will run much more smoothly once it's done. As long as I can tend to my crops, what do I care anyway? Right, no bedrooms and it's summer already. Ruins needs to hurry up with that.

Step Three: As soon as an area is completely dug out (and cleaned if necessary), begin construction and stockpiling as appropriate. This is made more difficult in my case by Ruins and Kragus's inability to just dig out a level at a time rather than jumping all over the place once multiple levels have been designated. If this is the case, swear loudly, and demand that Vidar set up a temporary workshop near the surface to produce some beds and spare barrels. If that fails, threaten to pour booze over his wood and set it on fire.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df059.PNG)

Step Four: And remember, don't attract guests before you are ready for them. There were no migrants this season. That's probably a good thing when the fortress hasn't even been dug yet, but after so long just mining Kragus has started to twitch and cast dour looks every time he comes up for a drink. If not faster, it might have been safer for all of us to have a migrant replace him.

A Week In The Life Of: Ivanor, High Tinker

6th Malachite
Dump stone. Dump stone. Dump stone. Have a drink. Dump stone. Throw pebbles at Flint's dogs. Narrowly avoid a wooden bed hurled by Flint. Narrowly avoid a stone hurled by Vidar. Narrowly avoid a handful of soil thrown by Fatman. (I don't even know.) Narrowly avoid a reprimand hurled by The Tax Collector. Dump stone.

8th Malachite
Dump stone. Store plump helmets in a barrel. Piss in an empty one. Dump stone.

10th Malachite
Dump stone. Dump stone. Store some turtle bones outside. Take the long away around to avoid Kragus seeing me with them. Vaguely wave to Anso and decline tea. Dump st-

ARGH, I can't take this sheer boredom anymore! I didn't want to have to risk this, but the lack of entertainment or interesting developments in this place has left me no choice. By using only olivine, two sweet pods and the mostly dead batteries from my iDarf I can hook up my brain into a sub-operative state of consciousness that will allow me to continue trivial tasks while effectively comatose, therefore skipping over all dull events until awoken by an external narrative trigger.

TIME SKIP, BABY!

13th Limestone

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df060.PNG)

Wait, did I miss something?

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

14th Limestone
Initial excavation and clearing has been completed, and all major production facilities are now online.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df061.PNG)

Now that the bulk of the unskilled labor is completed I have posted an updated list of responsibilities that will start tomorrow. Lady Ruins will produce all stone furniture required for the empty areas within the fortress, as well as any additional construction or mining jobs that are required. (One instance of this is building a roof over our refuse pile, so that I can forbid dwarves from collecting refuse outside - this has resulted in dwarves missing for some time to collect distant bones for Kragus's stockpile.) Fatman shall continue to cook, brew, and farm whenever seeds are available again. I shall work on smoothing and recording events on walls, processing gems and organising stockpiles ("hauling").

Flint will care for and train our animals, and has already begun hunting as an additional food source. After a reoccurring issue regarding butchering his kills (Flint refused, dumping the corpse and skipping outside to kill another camel), Kragus has perhaps TOO happily agreed to take over, as well as mass producing bone crafts for trade and hauling in his spare time. Vidar will create required items from our wood (including, despite teary protests, charcoal). Vidar will also operate any siege equipment alongside Ivanor when they are constructed. Ivanor himself will begin trapping our fortress against invaders and hauling when necessary.

Merchants arrived today, but their wagon could not access our site and we have no trade depot for the others. This is not yet a concern, as we have nothing to trade but half a dozen uncut gems. A liaison from the king elect has also arrived, and we shall talk regarding our situation shortly.

Ammo supplies are low. Food and wood supplies remain high. Morale has generally improved due to goblin inactivity, and the promise of speciliased jobs. Wild camels are our greatest immediate concern. In the long term, it is not yet determinable whether the greatest threat to this area shall be camels, goblins ... or dwarves.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 21, 2008, 11:15:14 pm

Update: So my new laptop has arrived, and it is now totally pimped (read: tweaked) out. After quickly testing my current fortress without a FPS cap, it's running about three or four times faster than on my old laptop. Not staggeringly better, but it's definitely going to be less painful if I end up with 100 or more dwarves again. I'll still stick to small embark areas.

Anyway, I'll start playing/writing the next chapter sometime later today.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on November 22, 2008, 01:25:14 am

Imagine what t's like for dwarves who don't have an iDwarf tohelp them. Poor saps. :(

I take it you aren't going to go with my suggestion?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 22, 2008, 03:05:26 am

Quote from: Strife26 on November 22, 2008, 01:25:14 am

I take it you aren't going to go with my suggestion?

Conveniently, I have the legitimate excuse that there is no magma on this map to power the spaceship with, so I don't actually have to admit that it would probably be too tricky (and much effort) for me to set up. :P

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on November 22, 2008, 03:13:14 am

Bah! Simply undwarven.

:) I wanted to do it myself actually.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 23, 2008, 09:26:31 pm

- CHAPTER TWELVE: Not Quite Off Topic But We May Be Heading In That Direction -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

20th Limestone

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df062.PNG)

Ah, miasma. Such a beautiful colour, free flowing and gentle, spreading on the wind, blossoming as a field of flowers ... only to cause horrible feelings, and cover as if to devour hard work, then finally turn in on itself and blink out as suddenly as it arrived. Life, hatred and death. Everything passes through these in time, but with care and timing, we may yet hope to bring a final end to the cycle.

But enough brooding, this is probably something I should have taken into consideration earlier. There are other occasional sources too and the structure of our fortress make it too easy for the stench to flow through the central staircase and cover multiple levels. Well, it shall have to be tolerated, there are more important things to work on. Our fortress is running, but empty. The Tax Collector has been striding around as if he owned the place, giving orders and designating work. It is done mostly as I wish, so I will say nothing ... yet. He has also spoken with the liaison and request an anvil, ammo and wood from the next trade caravan. The liaison listed a few requested items from elsewhere, but none we had much hope of offering. Nevertheless we will be ready by the next time traders arrive.

26th Sandstone

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df063.PNG)

It is quiet today, and for the first time in a while I am free to walk the halls alone and think. Four dwarves are sleeping, Flint is out hunting and Fatman is keeping to his farms as usual. There was perhaps some mild amusement to be had from The Tax Collector staggering exhausted into his bed after smoothing a mere three tiles down in the cemetery. Clearly not a dwarf used to doing anything away from a desk - he was practising to engrave high quality records in the dining room and such. I don't think he realises it is not the engravings that will keep the mooks happy but remembering the awkwardness of his laboring.

Ha, and there it is. Mooks. Yes, I consider these dwarves already mine to wield as necessary, poor tools though they are. Flint is good for little but hauling and killing, and he is far from legendary in that. I never see Flint hauling, so I assume The Tax Collector forbid it for some reason. Some bone and wood arrows are being produced, but not enough to constantly hunt. A demonstration of supposed control on his part, I almost admire. Ivanor has a keen mind, but is too easily distracted by pety amusements. Only recently I found the bridge he hooked up did not rise when the lever was pulled. I have not learned why. Fatman has gone overboard with booze just to have his seeds back to plant; wasted time for our still small population. Kragus crafts too slowly, paying far too much ... 'attention' ... to each bone he uses. Vidar is perhaps the only useful one, at least until we run out of wood for his spare beds and barrels.

For now I must return to my own duties, and keep up the pretense of obedience. The mooks still distrust me, of course, but their distrust of Anso is growing. When the time comes, they will remember only this: The Tax Collector is no warrior, and Flint no leader.

4th Timber

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df064.PNG)

I realise, of course, that merchants require sales to maintain their livelihood, but this is going overboard for a single delay. Even the muskox has started crying. I suspect they may be faking it. Perhaps she was turned away by the dark fortress too.

Recently I have been building walls outside of our bridge, with the purpose of channeling any invaders through a corridor just wide enough for a wagon. Ivanor has drawing sketches in the dirt of how to cover the path by suspended stones. A crude design, but they will suffice until we have enough dwarves for Flint to start training a military.

18th Timber
Our dining room and study have been completed, to an extent. Instead of eating off the crude stone floor we now eat off crude stone tables and chairs. Alas, I am not as practised at working with stone as I once was. Next I will begin chiseling out coffins for our cemetery. The dead have no care for quality. Preemptive? Perhaps, but not even The Tax Collector could know how little.

Among other events of little notability, Fatman found his first withered plump helmet in the outside refuse pile. The whole fortress could hear his frustrated cries. Somehow it was Vidar who calmed him down, with an anecdote about forest fires. (The situation was so hot that his wood withered away under pressure, apparently.) Given the reactions of the others, I strongly suspect Ivanor hid the helmet on purpose.

23rd Timber

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df065.PNG)

I confess I do not have complete knowledge of the goblin's judicial system, but I feel safe in saying that something is awry in the dark fortress when their prisoners are free to run around open rocky surface insanely chasing camels back and forth.

Hmm. Rocky. It suddenly, but not yet belatedly, occurs to be that a depot alone will not be enough to allow trading in this area. There are many rocks large enough to require smoothing before any wagons have access. Not that it ever stopped us, but merchants aren't quite as persistent. Well, most merchants. I'm not sure if that depressed muskox still lingers here. The Tax Collector shall have somewhere else to practise his engraving skills for a while.

27th Timber
Kragus's crafting has started picking up. For the first time since he started, he has run out of bones and The Tax Collector canceled his job. Kragus was displeased, to say the least, going as far as to threaten using dwarf bones if he was not allowed to butcher our breeding stock soon. The Tax Collector forbid it, as our dogs do not yet number many more than those we embarked with. Kragus glowered, and proclaimed as darkly and dramatically as you will:

"Let me just say this, numberdwarf: If I do not have more bones to work with before this month's end ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOSE, and the only thing you'll have time to count is yourself responsible."

The Tax Collector indifferently ordered Kragus to work with our leftover shells. Maybe there is nothing to worry about, but ...

9th Moonstone
Despite out fortress not yet being fully furnished, I have decided to put into place some defences. The mooks are increasingly edgy and it is only a matter of time before somebody picks a fight. I could quickly recruit a squad if it came down to it, but the only ones of us with any skill have only poor quality weapons (copper picks and bone bolts, hmm) and no armour. Instead I decided to take down out entrance bridge in an attempt to find out why it was stuck open. It didn't take long before I realised that our square chasm had never actually been finished. The bridge had been lying flat over the floor and apparently nobody going outside had noticed this.

Well, I was already there, so I shoved the remains of the bridge to one side and quickly completed our defensive chasm. It was at this point I realised I was on the OUTSIDE of the chasm, stuck. Rather inelegantly I hollered for help. Ivanor popped his head out to remind me any new buildings had to be designed by an architect before construction could be started. The Tax Collector technically wasn't sleeping or on break, and I know I hadn't built any statues he could be partying at, but it seemed to take quite some time before he smugly walked out, glanced at the stones I had set aside and nodded a quick "carry on". At least once I had rebuilt the bridge (retracting, this time) Ivanor was able to hook it up successfully.

Irritating, but a worse incident occurred shortly after this: our fortress had it's first death. One of Flint's nameless hunting dogs was killed by a two humped camel while fighting inside dark tower. Although Flint did not tell me in so many words, a quick check with The Tax Collector confirmed our fortress was indeed out of arrows. Flint had been attempting to bludgeon his foe to death with a copper crossbow with the dog was killed. Disturbingly, Flint was otherwise successful and now a dabbling hammerdwarf. Needless to say, Kragus was kicked out his workshop so Vidar could craft a few wooden bolts. Kragus said nothing, reverting to dour glances when ordered to haul instead. With everything being constructed lately it has proved efficient to have everyone haul in their spare time.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df066.PNG)

Later, I found a half completed catapult sitting outside, which was only slightly more arbitrary than the what can only be dubbed "fanmail" that was waiting for me (not The Tax Collector, interestingly) at our fortress's entrance:

Upon a calm and peaceful night
of wayward fame, the first Granite,
seven dwarves thought to leave their mark;
to strike the earth and here embark.
"A mining outpost", records say,
but "Dwarven fortress" called by they
who swung the pick, hammer and axe,
who fought the goblins back to back,
who worked the land and brewed the ale -
true heroes for a tavern tale.
Yet still all dwarves who once endured
the worse while fabled metals lured
their hearts through the danger, sticks and stones
and words from elves who've never known
the glory of successful moods;
though it is dwarves I say this to:
Think of legends when times are grim;
if fun to lose, imagine win ...

(ing)

~ Elfbane Chaotika

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on November 24, 2008, 04:08:26 pm

Poetry?
In a dwraven fort?

Prepare for the elven onslaught comrades!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 25, 2008, 12:30:00 am

- CHAPTER THIRTEEN: If All Your Friends Hung Off A Cliff, Would You? -

Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

Misc. Notes For Future Sections; 27th Moonstone to 26th Obsidian
- Kragus has run out of shells, and he still doesn't have any more bones. Instead he's gleefully used the excuse to start working with skulls. He's making some horrible little totem things, and somehow ended up with a pair of HUMAN skulls to make them with. Everyone knows human skulls are best for salt and pepper shakers, really. They're almost as atmospheric as elf bone toothpicks. I need a chapter on that somewhere.

- I overheard The Tax Collector muttering about thieves lately. Word around the fortress is that somebody stole thirty nine iron bolts. We didn't actually HAVE any iron bolts, so as yet nobody is quite sure where or who they were stolen from, or who by, but we're definitely sure it happened at some point. Still, I'm sure Flint can deal with the thief when we find out. The only ones stealing my possessions are every other dwarf in the bloody fortress taking from my private meals. I didn't cook those lavish roasts for Ivanor to slobber all over them. Even The Tax Collector took a few saying he needs "samples" during his latest attempt to update the stock records perfectly. Hmph, I need ...

... I just saw Vidar walk inside carrying a zinc bar. Where the hell did that come from? Maybe I'll throw it my next meal. Zinc's good for you, right?

- Now a handful of arrows has been stolen. WHERE ARE THE THINGS SO THAT I CAN STEAL THEM, damn it.

- Flint's been looking unhappy lately. He came back with a goblin cor-, no wait, a mountain goat. They look pretty similar, really. Anyway, Flint was complaining about hunger, thirst and having to sleep on rocks. This being at the same time as I'm producing an increasingly large stockpile of cheap food and ale for the taking, and Ruins has even fitted our private bedrooms with cabinets and coffers now. Just how much mental effort does it take to stop hunting BEFORE you collapse? Flint may bring back valuable meat for my meals, but I dot NOT get enough appreciation in this fortress.

... Oh, that's just great. Now The Tax Collector has forbidden Flint from hunting at all. He's starting to train at one of our catapults. Shooting lungfish. I know I'm a miracle worker but lungfish and seeds do not a feast make! Flint can't even hit the things before they vanish away again. And now I'm expected to haul to stones up to the surface in my free time just so Flint doesn't run out and get bored or something. At least with the bridge retracted we won't have dwarves going AWOL all the time.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df067.PNG)

Where was I going with this again? Right, benefits of good food. The Tax Collector thinks an engraved dining room will keep everyone cheery, but he's still sitting in his office. Flint will be content again once he steals one of my prepared meals.

- Ingredients. Always keep them stocked. Recommended stock levels? Tips on acquiring rare meat? Dragon hunting? I'm sure there's something I can work with like that. Our fortress is almost out of wood logs, and Vidar will probably have used them all by the end of the week. Mostly he's been making barrels to keep all the food and ale I've been cooking in, but we have a couple of dozen extra beds for migrants (wishful thinking), a few piles of wooden arrows in case Flint needs to use them again, and he's building half a dozen cages now. Ivanor came up with some plan to catch invaders if they make it passed our bridge. I don't want to know what he plans on doing with them after that. Ivanor's started shooting rocks too at the moment, though. He claims he's knocked over plenty of beasts already, but didn't bring them in because their meat wasn't worth it. I think that's what she said. We're not going to run out of stone in a hurry, anyway. A pity you can't eat stone. Ruins was tempted to try her hand at trading it, but changed her mind after seeing how many bone trinkets Kragus had produced.

- It's nearly Spring again, and there hasn't much happened to inspire me lately. I mean, I've been getting plenty of practise farming, cooking and brewing, but nothing exciting. Nothing different. Nothing that will sell this book. Ivanor and Flint keep flinging stones everywhere, Ruins keeps churning out stone furniture, The Tax Collector keeps smoothing walls now. The most exciting thing that's happened is a few camels passing by our entrance that nobody was even able to hit with the catapults. Anso came out to the edge of our traps briefly to politely request we practise our aim in some other direction. I can't imagine why.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df068.PNG)

I should probably be glad the dark fortress turned out to be more like a ... a ... a dork fartdress, but it's not like we couldn't throw off an attack now. We have enough supplies to feed us for YEARS. If I was paid what I deserved (or at all, for that matter) I could take a vacation right now. Flint and Ivanor would statistically have to hit the bastards eventually. Goblin pudding. Mmmm, I need to think about that one ...

A Week In The Life Of: Kragus, Bone Master

10th Granite
Ruins has declared that the stairway area to the south of the dining hall is now a statue "garden". She placed eight different statues of legendary dwarves (none of them us, I note) in the corners and might have even gone to the trouble of dusting the room a bit. Well isn't that nice? I just feel like throwing a party RIGHT NOW. Or maybe we could do something useful with our time and start killing the puppies in the next room. Yes, that sounds like a better plan. But nooo, The Tax Collector had to hide the key from me, the cold bastard.

Oh! Oh, is that who I think it is wandering at the outside perimeter? I do believe it is. Our best friends the ELVES have arrived to trade pleasant little niceties with us. How grand. How wonderful. How long does Ruins think I can keep up this cheerful smile before I snap and murder someone?!

11th Granite
Despite my better judgment, the elves have been allowed to enter our fortress. Disappointingly, the catapults were ordered to stop firing as they approached. I would have loved to literally see two elves killed with one stone. I would have loved to see ANY elves killed by ANYthing, but The Tax Collector and Lady Ruins have both forbid any hostile actions towards them. "We need their ongoing supplies" this, "they could be useful allies if the goblins attack" that, "they're innocent sentient creations" the other. At least Flint agrees with me. Ivanor just wanted to trap them in one spot using flung boulders, or some nonsense.

Well, now the bridge is open, I have bones to collect from that depressed merchant a while back. The Tax Collector, Ruins and Fatman are busy smoothing, masoning and brewing respectively and Flint is on break, but Ivanor and Vidar have agreed to assist me. I think Ivanor was actually nervous when I asked him to haul dwarven bones, the wuss. Or is it me he's afraid of? Heh.

16th Granite
Oh ALL RIGHT, we'll stop ignoring the bloody elves. I'm the first to start bringing my crafts to the depot. How I would love to keep them, but they shall serve their purpose elsewhere ... fufufu. Meanwhile, Ivanor is calmly finishing constructing his cage traps BEHIND the elves. If nothing else, I appreciate that dwarf's style. And I see Ruins has started bringing out my crafts, carrying them carelessly like they were mere diamonds or something. Hrrrm.

Ruins. You told us there was only one goblin leading the dark fortress, correct?
"Hmm? Yes, why would you ..."

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df069.PNG)

Nothing. No reason at all. Fufufufufu.

And now, it's time for ...
The Continuing Adventures of Asno Osnumas

16th Granite
An ambush! Curse them!

[Author's Note: Why no, I can't spell his name consistently. >_>]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 25, 2008, 06:41:12 pm

- CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Author's Note This Chapter Is Awesome -

A Recipe for Chaos
Ingredients:
* Goblin ambushes (2)
* Migrants (16 or more)
* Defences (as poorly thought out as possible)
* Fey mood (substitute demonic possession if unavailable)
* Death (expected and arbitrary, if you can find them)
* Elves (2 merchants, optional garnish)

Instructions:
1. Place your first goblin ambush inside the dark fortress of another tenuously peaceful goblin. Leave to boil for several days, or until one side is slaughtered, whichever comes first. I don't know why Asno is being attacked, but I find it hilarious. Say what you want about us dwarves, but we never devolve into civil war. Still, I suppose I'd better tell The Tax Collector. Asno and his guards are obviously going to win but it would be annoying if the surviving attackers fled right towards us. There's nobody else outside at the moment, so I'll close the bridge and ready the catapults just in case.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df070.PNG)
(I like to imagine them screaming "Ugg!" as they fight.)

From what I can see from here, Asno is fighting in person. His guards are surrounding the invading goblins. One of the invaders is becoming enraged. Blood is spilling everywhere and OH LOOK, more puppies!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df071.PNG)
(Let's just be glad dog feces isn't implemented.)

They'll make a tasty soup when they're grown. Or maybe not, since we're out of barrels to store anything in. 356 might be enough alcohol for the moment though.

2. Lose all interest in the goblins and resume normal life. The less you see the next part coming, the better it will turn out. The rest of the invading goblins fled or something, I'm not sure. Asno came to the edge of the dark fortress and yelled down that it was okay, we were safe now. Flint's reaction was something like "There was a fight?!?!'". The elves asked when we were going to start trading, and I told them that our broker was busy accurately recording the number of bones outside now. Now they just keep glancing nervously at our retracted bridge for some reason. I heard Flint proudly declaring he was more experienced, and then found him ... drinking? Okay, that's different. The Tax Collector has finished his records for now and is beginning to smooth walls while the elves wait.

3. Attract a large a migrant rush as possible. Right now, we have something like eighteen or nineteen dwarves marching towards our fortress. It's about time. Finally I'll be able to dump all the hauling jobs (pun intended!) onto some useless soap maker or something. I was one of the first here and I've prepared all this food for them, so naturally they'll be mine to command. With all the extra hands we might even be able to start planning an attack on the dark fortress. I didn't trust the goblins when there were one group of them. This is going to be great.

4. OH SHIT THE CATAPULTS, turn them off Ivanor! Meanwhile, The Tax Collector has taken a break from smoothing walls to updated his records again. More like, his broken records.

5. Now at the most inconvenient time (I personally suggest just as the first migrant reaches your entrance, while the rest are spread out in a line over the countryside) place your second ambush. If done correctly, this should produce a pleasant reaction like OH SHIT HOSTILE GOBLINS ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR OPEN FORTRESS AND ATTACKING OUR UNPROTECTED MIGRANTS FUCK. Um, um, um, Ruins? What the heck are we supposed to do?! Let my tickets to relaxation be slaughtered out there while we accidentally squash them with catapults? Try and lure them inside and hope the traps kill them all? The migrants are far better targets for the goblins right now, that won't even work. Asno? Asno? God I can't believe I'm stooping to this level but could you quickly send your guards down? ("... ... . . . Screw you, you rude, ungrateful dwarves!")

6. Okay, okay, this is the plan. This is what Ruins is doing, standing inside our chasm and yelling orders across to the migrants. ARM THE CATAPULTS! FORM A MILITARY! Ruins quickly orders the only migrants with weapons (a carpenter, a woodcutter and a ranger) into a squadron, then glances over the newcomers and picks out a handful of other expendable dwarves to join them. A cheesemaker, lye maker, woodburner (actually, Vidar recruited that one, but nobody complained) and three peasants. They form the Healing Urns and are ordered to group just beyond the fortress's entrance. What the heck kind of a name is that for a military anyway?!

7. Make snap decisions. If you're not in the military, you are a useless coward. This is FACT. Ivanor flees his catapult within about two seconds of the attack. Flint will probably do so soon anyway, and he's wasted there. Flint is recruited and now leads the army. (The Orbs of Saving, which is possibly worse. The only ORBS that would have SAVED anything were the catapults you just FLED FROM.)

8. Now comes the battle itself. The dwarven army is greatly spread out, so the goblins rush the closest migrants straight away. Two nameless dwarves are struck down in a matter of seconds. The goblins break into two groups, one heading southwards chasing some idiot weaver who passes right by our trap filled corridor in favour of heading further away from the fortress (FINE. GET HACKED TO PIECES. See if I even care!), the other heading north towards a couple of recruits. Screw this, I'm retracting the bridge again. I don't care if Flint's not out there yet, I don't want to risk any of those goblins getting inside and attacking our important dwarves. Everyone is ordered inside. The migrants are on their own and HEY PUPPIES.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df072.PNG)
(Aww.)

[Author's Note: Yes, I probably should have taken screenies of the battle, but I was kind of distracted by trying to not let everyone die and anyway aren't those little 'd's so cute?]

No! ENOUGH with your fucking puppies, this is serious! Outside, the ranger has arrived at the northern goblin group and is holding her ground by shooting before they can close in. The meatshields? Not doing so well. Another dwarf is struck down. The southern goblin group are heading back up to rejoin the others. The carpenter is actually holding his own in battle against a couple of the goblins, and between him, a few meatshields and the ranger three goblins are killed. The southern few reach melee distance, but seeing the goblin corpses turn to flee! The ranger and carpenter back off to regroup at their station, but two of the meatshields chase down one of the fleeing goblins. The rest of the army begins to arrive, but too late to do much. A few of the goblins escape the area, but an unskilled, unarmed peasant strikes down one of them. The rest of the migrants stop fleeing and start returning to the fortress exterior; the battle is won, and victory is to the dwarves!

9. This time, DON'T let your guard down. The battle is over, but there are several more tricky things before the recipe is complete. The military is deactivated for the moment, until Ruins can organise a more permanent structure. The bridge is opened again, to let the migrants inside. The carpenter with two goblin kills? He barely makes two steps before his eye bulge and a demonic force possesses him. Without a word he charges inside and towards Vidar's workshop. An aesop about the dedwarfising effects of war? As for the cheesemaker, despite having survived direct contact with a goblin, he trips over one of Ivanor's stone fall traps and is killed instantly. I ... didn't really feel like cheese anyway.

And of course, the moment the bridge is open again and everyone is allowed outside most of the fortress population stream OUTWARDS to start collecting the dead and bringing in any bones and like. Damn it fools, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df073.PNG)
(Even the camel knows when to hide.)

Well, steal me an iron shield while you're out there. I notice that idiot weaver manage to survive somehow, although she's a little unhappy about the attack and all. She'll get over it. The final death count is four dwarves. Three were recruits at the time and one was the deactivated cheesemaker.

10. "Hey, we're leaving soon." Oh right, the elves! They've been sitting there outside uselessly the whole time. Try not to forget about them. The Tax Collector's records are finally put aside (rather forcibly, and by Lady Ruins) and he emerged to trade.

Ahahaha, the elves are "enchanted by our ethical works". What. Did they not just see that brutal battle outside? Or our catapults still launching stones into the dark fortress? (Uh, those should probably be off now. Oh, whatever. Hopefully they hit the elves on the way out.) Or that eighty percent of what we're trading is made from the bones of slaughtered creatures? Idiots. The Tax Collector doesn't bother to haggle, just trades away all our crafts for what little of use the elves have: Flour (nice, but unnecessary), cloth (meh) and few more barrels of alcohol (eh). That was pretty much a waste of time. Shoo, treehuggers.

Uh, hmm. The possessed carpenter wanted wood and we didn't have any left. That could be awkward. I think I might hold off the migrant's induction tour of the workshops for a little while.

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

10th Slate
Despite the general chaos following the goblin attack, I have successfully acquired information from all migrants and devised a new roster of duties that shall be implemented shortly. Most of the migrants were either poor and seeking a home, or poor and seeking our future riches. They will be required to work for either. There were only three migrants of particular note:
Nym, a gem cutter. She displays more reservation and intelligence than most, and will prove a useful as such. However, before I could begin discussing her details she evasively informed me she would not answer any questions regarding her reasons for migrating, but assured they were perfectly within socially acceptable norms. When I threatened to throw her out to goblins she invented some story about a tame bear and a countess. Instead of wasting further time I've noted her as "homeless" and let in for her skills: Processing any gems we locate and tending to the pets and livestock.
Strife, a cook. His skills are valuable, but his insistence on running a health and fitness program complete with an arbitrary diet are unworkable. He is disrespectful to my authority, and may require discipline. Adding two years to our lifespan will not increase vital productivity now. Fatman and he now split farming and cookies duties between them.
Kornash, a peasant. Despite no training, he was able to kill a goblin during the attack. He is assertive with a strong will, but also understands duty. His family were killed ten years ago during the dwarven exodus, and he came here with a desire to fight any enemies of dwarves. I have appointed him Sheriff.

All the longstanding dwarves have been relieved of hauling and miscellaneous duties to focus on their key profession. (Examples: Lady Ruins shall only produce stone furniture. Kragus shall only butcher and bonecraft.) For many migrants I reassigned their previous professions; this fortress does not require eg. tanners, and they shall learn quickly enough. Despite this, the range of skills has led to the consideration that a clothing industry may be implemented in the future.

Aside from those already named, this fortress now homes: A miner, a carpenter (learning stonecrafting), a ranger (hunting), an animal caretaker (to learn blacksmithing/metalcrafting when available), a weaver (learning masonry), a weaver, a clothier, a tanner (learning stone detailing), a dyer, a wood burner (to learn armour/weaponsmithing when available), a peasant (learning farming) and a peasant (learning mechanics). A few brought pets, including one cat, but as both are male there is no risk of over breeding.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df074.PNG)
(It's "Make Your Own Bedroom" night!)

13th Slate
There has been an issue with two of the new dwarves. The carpenter has refused to leave his workshop, savagely demanding wood. Our stockpiles are empty. His predicament is unfortunate, but in my experience these supernatural moods tend to pass once the demon inside is sated. Rather than lose a successful warrior and put the risk of the workforce in danger I have ordered the deconstruction of part of the wooden animal pen. This will provide the logs, and the pen can be rebuilt with stone and refilled later.

Comparatively, the sheriff's predicament is notably less justified. Lady Ruins is dealing with the problem as I write.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df075.PNG)
(That's generally awkward. But he DID score a whip out of it.)

19th Slate
The carpenter has completed his design. It would appear to be a seemingly innocent wooden door with a knocker that wails and strangles any undesired dwarves. Vidar has described it as "awesome". His judgment is not unfounded.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df076.PNG)
(Awesome.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: muwahahaha on November 26, 2008, 04:06:18 am

Wait a sec, is Kornash there in the CHANNEL? Or am I just hallucinating again?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 27, 2008, 06:37:07 pm

- CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Plots -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

1st Felsite
Having seen the goblin ambushes, heard the migrant's recounting of the attack, observed Asno's reactions and given what I already know of this place, I have deduced the following:

Previously, this was the most sacred ground for the goblin society. It was watched over mostly by high religious goblins, with human slaves under careful observation to maintain the area. This I knew. Recently, however, something happened. If a human was at fault they would have been killed, and tension and accusations would have seen conflict; this was an error by goblin hands alone. Perhaps they grew impatient of waiting, or too curious about their god. The goblins either found hidden or created themselves something so powerful, so dangerous, that they could do no more than contain it and flee, if even that. Anything less could have been destroyed or moved and it would take nothing short of the threat of genocide for the goblins to leave this site.

So, they fled in secret, not affording the other races to even know they had left. But Asno rebelled. He returned to the dark fortress with enough slaves to keep it running and begin studying, hoping to wield, whatever is hidden here now. When we first arrived here Asno was desperate for us to leave alive before the goblins realised anyone remained. But we lingered too long. Migrants came, and goblins followed to find two running fortresses, both of which must be stopped before we release that which they would surrender their god to keep hidden.

Whatever it is, I WILL find it.

But first, our own fortress must survive, which seem increasingly unlikely in the wake of our newbie dwarves. Just recently I had to free one of our peasants who had fallen into the animal pit. Of course, as soon as the door was opened dozens of animals (and one OTHER dwarf) poured out. Is it really so hard to not fall into holes?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df077.PNG)
(Every time you fall into a hole, Armok ~~kills~~ spawns a puppy.)

At least Fatman has taken it upon himself to act as a go-to dwarf for any migrants. At first glance he would just seem to enjoy bossing someone else around for a change, but he has been treating them very well and introducing them socially rather than merely inducting them into their one workplace as The Tax Collector has done. Fatman would be a useful ally, but I have nothing yet that would persuade him to join even my less secret causes.

19th Felsite
Producing viable trade goods is proving more of a problem than anticipated. The stone crafts that have been produced are worth a mere ten value each, regardless of type. Ivanor has suggested an advanced crafting technique he dubs the "mug spam", and it is now in progress. If nothing else, I found that Kragus "forgot" to bring up his skull totems when the elves were here, so there is some value in those to trade for essentials such as wood. For a while Kragus was having difficulty keeping up with butchering and crafting bolts for the hunters. Kornash volunteered to take over butchering until he is able to do the same for living foes, and that combined with idle dwarves being order to collect refuse from outside has led to a surplus of bones and bone bolts. Vidar has been order to produce several bone crossbows, although by now he is more competent as a seige operator than anything else. Kragus is now alternating between producing bolts and crafts. His latest goblin skull totem is ... satisfying, but the miasma and flies around the place are annoying everyone.

In other productions, plain robes are currently being sewn from the cloth we purchased. Our current clothes have wear left in them, but they'll be there when we need them. Unlike our hunters, who have a bad habit of falling asleep away from the fortress. I cannot fathom why they find it so hard to return when tired.

9th Hematite
Summer has arrived, and disappointingly little of note has happened since the goblin ambushes. Since acquiring a stockpile of crossbows and bolts we have begun readying our barracks for a military. Archery targets, armour stands and the like. As most of our dwarves have jobs at the moment I would prefer to wait until our next migrant wave before recruiting and training begins in earnest. Otherwise production has been moving along steadily, as well as decoration. The Tax Collector's intents of official records on the dining room walls have been amusingly thwarted by such images as mountains, flies and mango trees. Although it surprised no one to find at least one engraving depicting The Tax Collector's ascension to the leadership of our fortress.

This morning I had interesting encounter with a dwarf named Nym. She approached me while I was drinking, and asked why it was that our group had chosen to settle underneath the dark fortress once it had become clear that Asno would allow us to leave freely. In return I ask why she had chosen to leave her home and live in such a dangerous location. She wouldn't say, and all it took was a smile before she left thoughtfully. A better answer might have been distrust, and dreams of toppling towers; Nym less so than others, but ... all dwarves are bastards.

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

10th Hematite
Despite a period of blissful quite the thieving scoundrel struck unexpectedly. He called upon his lesser minions to kill and wreck havoc around the outside of MY fortress. He's distracting MY dwarves from their important duties of palace construction and beautification. And worst of all, he thinks he can just walk in and threaten to take away all that I have been working so hard towards attracting in these last months.

He must realise this means war.

I am talking, of course, about that new cat that dared to migrate his dwarven slaves into my fortress. If he had come merely to humble himself before me, or even to offer a partnership in our goals, I MIGHT have been able to accept that. But when he pads his way in, casually grooms himself outside my canine slaughterhouse and laughs that "All the kitties 'round here must be too busy orgasming by my presence to come greet me in person, am I right?" there will be serious consequences. Even that I might have pardoned in return for an apology and half a dozen of his slaves, but not after he fully introduced himself. His name? Clawsschemingslayerrage. No justice can exist in a world were there exists such a name while I am forced to endure the dubbing "Fluffy". I would kill him and take it for myself, but after the last face lacerating incident (Ivanor had it coming for attempting to feed me with the invisible, neverending supply of dog food this fortress requires) Ruins declawed me, so this must be BATTLE OF THE MINDS. My original slaves against Claw's new. The disobedient against the unskilled. The few against the meatshields! This will be GLORIOUS war of dwarves to be recounted to kittens for generations to come!

At least, it would be if Fatman didn't insist on befriending everyone. Even my best efforts to trap the migrants outside with hostile goblins failed. Tch, Claws and his pets will be dealt with yet. In the meanwhile, humans. They have arrived with caravans, and wish to trade. I've had Ruins let them in. We don't have much, but there are still few crafts in the stockpiles, some gems that have been sitting around for a while and I'll have them trade their handwear. What kind of a wimpy dwarf wears gloves? What are they, afraid of breaking a nail?

16th Hematite
Skulking vermin. No, I'm talking about kobolds this time, although I would be surprised if Claws had organised that too. One of the migrants insisted of yelling the announcement to everyone (with a helpful reminder of which foods gave a short burst of energy for running away). I can see, like, one kobold wandering around on the other side of the map.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df078.PNG)
(If you squint, the battle kind of looks like a handgun.)

Okay, so maybe five trained in wrestling and spears that are actively attacking the dark fortress. Hmm, can all kobolds bypass traps, or is that just a thief thing? Whatever, I can just have the bridge retracted if they live long enough against Asno to get close. Meanwhile, The Tax Collector has calculated our total items at 2960 value. I nudge a few things around to subliminally encourage him to swap them for a dozen or so wood logs, a few cages (occupied by dogs and a horse), a few barrels (some with drinks), a spare pick, a bronze long sword (Kornash has been requesting to train with one, I hope he stabs himself with it), a few bags and a few different meats for my Extra Chunky Gourme Feline Platter. The traders had plenty of food, even some carp meat, which had a rather amusing story behind it (by which I mean it's a wonder they weren't selling dwarf meat alongside it).

We could really use their iron bolts and anvil too, but they're too expensive ... at least, until Ruins came up with the suggestion of selling THEIR OWN CLOTHES to pay for it. She quickly explained she meant the spare clothes they'd taken from the dead dwarves, human guards and some suicidal merchant but not quite quickly enough to avoid the HORRIBLE image of Vidar taking off his pants ... my palace for a brain bleach!

That migrant, Strife I think his name was, yelled about another kobold ambush (and an equally loud warning about fat on our new meats), despite them still being some distance away. Of course, the animal caretaker would take that time to run out into the open to fetch some dirty, discarded clothing, only to be interrupted by the kobolds. And then the dyer. AND the woodburner. Idiot dwarves.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df079.PNG)
(Guess which way that dwarf is about to flee. Go on, just guess.)

Now they're getting too close for comfort. Ruins orders everyone inside to get them all back to the fortress. The merchant guards take the opportunity to chase the closest kobold, but actually look more worried the DWARVES will steal their goods the moment their backs are turned. Anyway, the kobold is killed, the mechanic slowly returns back to the fortress and the bridge is eventually retracted and dwarves allowed outside again. Suddenly, the mass stupidity of the dwarves trying to work out how to get the discarded clothing with the bridge retracted literally causes time itself to painfully grind to a halt.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df080.PNG)
(Fluffy's threat of catsplosion has just been trumped.)

Somehow, I still end up with just over 6000 value from silk socks and whatnot. The Tax Collector buys a few metal bars, a couple of ropes, another pick, dye, fifty bolts, an anvil, more meat and flour and some cloth. The humans were ecstatic. Hauling follows, and the food stockpile actually needs to be dug further out to fit everything in it. I deem the trading adequate and tell the caravans to leave whenever they're ready.

27th Hematite
"Sibrek Likotavuz, Ranger has been struck down."
Okay, so not EVERYBODY was inside when I closed the fortress down. Too late now, I guess we'll have to kill those puppies instead of hunting for meat, mwahaha.

5th Malachite
One of Claws' mechanics has been taken by a secretive mood. At least this time there weren't any difficult demands for outlandish, precious materials such as WOOD or maybe even ROCK. (Honestly, these dwarves ...) He just grabbed a handful of random crap from the stockpiles and began working. Meanwhile in the workshops, Ruins has finished constructing a clothing industry. Everything WOULD have been ready to produce dyed robes from Fatman's farms, if our dyer hadn't suddenly gone missing. Did I say suddenly? I meant she's been locked outside, hungry, thirsty and lightly wounded on her lower right arm since the kobold ambush. The bridge is opened for her to return and the merchants to leave. Naturally, near half the fortress start skipping and singing outside to collect clothing and whatnot. DAMN IT dwarves, there are kobolds out there, you're just going to get mugged!

... Hey, whatever happened to those stone mugs anyway? I don't think they were traded.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df081.PNG)
(This is what happens when you forget a repeating order.)

10th Malachite
The mechanic has completed an artifact mechanism. Ivanor seems rather jealous, but the rest of us don't even know what the heck it's supposed to DO. Hmph, that mechanic can probably now produce trade goods faster than Kragus, our stonecrafter and our entire clothing industry combined.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df082.PNG)
(Is the ROPE somehow spiked, or is it supposed to just be menacing on its own?)

After casually walking all the way back home, the dyer has now collapsed straight into bed and demanded she be FETCHED water, rather than get off her arse and drink the ale she's clearly capable of walking to. I'm actually half worried she'll be lazy enough to dehydrate there. Everyone is ordered inside again. This fortress needs a fucking military, already. We have weapons, we have a barracks, and we have kobold pincushions wandering outside somewhere. START TRAINING.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df083.PNG)
(Fluffy is just jealous that Claws didn't invite him.)

... Is it too late for me to side with Asno?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Flintus10 on November 28, 2008, 06:02:13 am

the writing is great keep it up and i love where my character is going.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 28, 2008, 07:53:51 am

Now sure would be an awkward time to mention that in the next chapter a named dwarf dies due to my own ineptitude with the military, huh?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 28, 2008, 11:41:29 pm

- CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Nobody Hearts Dwarves -

Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

How To: Defend Your Larder
... kobolds particularly, but in times of poverty almost anyone will stoop to stealing the food you've put so much hard work into. So, here are a few tips for keeping your delicious feasts YOURS.

Tip #1: Form a military. Traps and bridges are fine for a while, but eventually you're going to want a more mobile and trainable force to work with. Choose your recruits from the dwarves who are generally doing the least; in our case, the few dwarves who would have been creating clothing were all fired before they even started after our mechanic's sudden jump in skill. The Tax Collector decided the speed and simplicity of mechanism production was preferable as a trade good for now. A few stockpiles were further dug out to make room for all of them and Kragus's ever increasing number of unsold totems. Ivanor was rather pissed that he was kicked out of the workshop.
Anyway, the recruits chosen were a weaver, an animal caretaker (both were slacking off), Vidar (he has SOME skill in shooting wooden arrows, apparently) and Flint leading them. All would be using crossbows, and begin training and sleeping the barracks immediately. Kornash was furious that he was not permitted to join, but as the bedridden dyer is proving, without a water source any scratches during sparring could prove instant death. Kornash waited until he was alone and then recruited himself, grabbing a sword and shield and declaring something about training with the camels. The Tax Collector wrote him off and assigned the woodburner to butchering some our livestock for additional bone bolts.

Tip #2: Build defences. Important areas such a trade depot should be roofed over so dwarves can access that while barred from the outdoors. Fortifications need to be carved for catapults, and Ruins plans to build some kind of crossbow towers next to them later. There was even talk of outer ditches and the like, but they won't be done for a while yet. Break up any parties you need to if the dwarves refuse to actually work.

Tip #3: Remain calm. Being jumpy will just get you zooming around the fortress exterior trying to find where the hell the kobolds attacked before you realise it was just a dog being struck down, announced in the same dramatic, purple manner. Literally all our livestock is roaming around the fortress getting in everyone's way now. To hell with it, I'll keep the caged animals in the pen instead, they're just sitting outside at the trade depot now.
Also, wow, masterpiece mechanisms are worth 360 value. That's pretty impressive and we already have two within a week. A few dwarves keep firing the catapults into newly constructed walls. That's less impressive. It would be nice if our newer members learned to think for themselves, but then again, a fortress full of dwarves making their own decisions is a pretty scary thought.
Another masterpiece, eh it ... wait Kragus? I don't think I want to know what he's done with those skulls for him to consider it masterwork. Mind you, it can't be any worse than the dining hall. When every wall or floor is engraved it's SUPPOSED to look beautiful to most dwarves but the end result is an overall eyesore, really. At least my meals look even better in comparison. When am I getting my own rooms again?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df084.PNG)
(Muskox calves appreciate fine art.)

Tip #4: It is the 12th Galena and Kragus has requested upon threat of head lopping that our mechanic, "For the hate of Armok!", stops shouting an announcement every time he creates another masterpiece. We get it. Pride -> fall and all that. It's not like the mechanisms actually DO anything, unlike, say, my delicious meals. Anyway, our dyer has ... has ... *sigh* dyed. (I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF, THAT CAT MADE ME SAY IT, honest.) Rest in peace, we'll make a good trade out of your silk trousers. The fortress has been heating up over the death, and Ruins has declared it is time for revenge. The Tax Collector insisted on further training, but was overridden by force of numbers and is now coldly writing in his office. We're really not to bothered with that useless asshole anymore. Ruins got us into this mess, and now she's publicly promised to get us out of it.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df085.PNG)
(What DID Mafol say when he crossed the Rubicon?)

Our squad gathers their weapons and forms outside our gates. Or at least, they were told to, three of them insist on running halfway across the area into the dark fortress to loot their equipment from a corpse. We have weapons INSIDE, damn it. You know what, fine. Everyone can go collect the body and clothing and whatnot. Our unarmed military blindly rushing out there has confirmed there are no hostiles on that path anyway and will you SHUT UP MECHANIC. The Tax Collector is legendary too you know, and he doesn't shout "OMG I recorded this shit perfectly!" every two seconds. Although that would be pretty funny, but he's smoothing the bedrooms now, so I guess not. That's probably off topic. I really need to cut down on that in my next revision. This is turning out less of a cookbook and more of a What Not To Do fortress guide ...

[Author's Note: You guys know that mechanic is still up for claiming, right? :P]

Tip #5: It's important to keep everyone involved in your defences busy. Flint has been complaining that he hasn't gotten to kill anyone yet, and Kornash snuck away to fight a camel at one point. Well, he would have, if he didn't keep running back and forth from the staircase and the stockpile failing to pick up his sword for some reason. For a week, until Ruins calmly told him it was okay to take an axe instead. It was actually kind of sad. First he falls in our ditch, and now this. For all his tough talk I seriously wonder if he has a mental disorder. So then he tried to kill a camel but it was too fast for him to catch and he just kind of gave up after a while. I'm starting to think there aren't any kobolds left after all, even though we only know the whereabouts of a few corpses.

Tip #6: If anybody acts like this, kill them. It would be worth it.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df086.PNG)
("He was irritated by the mechanic lately.")

Tip #7: When hostile goblins ambush your fortress, GET THEM before Asno can steal our kills again!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df087.PNG)
(When the fortress is quiet Strife yells things like: A sneeze! Bless them!)

The goblins gang up and slowly kill one guard outside of the dark fortress, then wander around a bit and don't really do much. Ruins orders the military on duty and positions them around the corner ready to attack. Three of them arrive eventually, although one recruit is drinking or something. Kornash seems to be walking back and forth from the same spot just outside the south east corner of our ditch and nobody has a clue why. Too late, the goblins spot the squad and attack. Pew pew pew go go gadget arrows! (Uh ... I might want to rewrite that when I'm not in the spirit of the oh crap someone was just sniped in the head and winded, but they're alive somehow. The goblins are closing the distance way to quickly, they're meleeing already. The squad has their back to the wall and are surrounded. Somebody else is injured, one goblin has fallen and I can't quite see what's going on in the fighting and suddenly it's too quiet and ...

... It's over.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df088.PNG)
(SFX: Splat, splat, splat.)

Oh god. Vidar was out there. This can't

The draft continues only with illegible scribbles and watermarks before ending.

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

17th Limestone
Dwarven caravans have arrived. The goblins are still rioting within the dark fortress, so they make it to our trading depot safely. The hostile goblins will be killed by Asno's guards soon enough. Idle dwarves begin hauling totems, mugs and mechanisms out to trade, but without much enthusiasm. Unsurprising, given the recent turn of events, but they will regain their energy soon enough. Three dwarves were an acceptable loss to push this fortress into war, although I suppose I can not afford to (this time) properly train and equip any more until we can attract further migrants. Flint and Kornash were elsewhere during the battle and have now been relieved to their former duties.

Fatman in particular was quite depressed over the deaths. Even without risking retrieval of the bodies he insisted on holding a ceremony for Vidar, including one last double entendre in his honour. ("His wood might have been a pain in all our arses, but damn it, he took our shit and came ... to be a respected and hardworking member of this fortress. We will all miss him.") I found his cookbook in the refuse pile and brought it inside to peruse. It should provide some useful insight into the mooks.

12th Sandstone
While I certainly appreciate the skill of our mechanic, I admit even I became tired after hearing him announcing another masterpiece ten times in a row between other events. Hauling has long since been finished but The Tax Collector is busy conducting meetings with both our liaison and a human guild representative. Wood, barrels, charcoal and cages are requested.

18th Sandstone
Ah. Even moreso than Vidar's death, this may be awkward news to break to the mooks. The Tax Collector spent so long being accosted by the diplomats that the merchants have finished trading before our broker could even get to the depot. All that time hauling was wasted, and we will receive no new supplies for quite some time. The bridge was closed at the time, but now that it has been opened the merchants are still standing there, refusing to leave, and refusing to trade. If their skilled, armed and armoured guards grow unhappy and start tantruming ... well, it would be a deliciously ironic way for the fortress to fall, but let's just hope they carry on their way soon enough.

And now, it's time for ...
What Would Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Do?

Finish the roof over the trade depot, then deconstruct the walls and DROP IT ON THEIR HEADS. Instant loot!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Boksi on November 29, 2008, 10:31:47 am

:(

Oh well, c'est la vie.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Muno syoan on November 29, 2008, 05:56:13 pm

Litast Nishigam (Mechanic) has changed his name! He is now 'Syoan' Nishigam (Mechanic/ Town Crier).
Syoan - Dwarven slang for 'bloody irritating'. I MAKE NO APOLOGY.
SYOAN NISHIGAM HAS CREATED A MASTERPIECE!

(please/thanks?)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 29, 2008, 06:30:21 pm

- CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Okay Maybe Elves Heart Dwarves But Nobody Likes Elves -

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

1st Moonstone
Barrels are being crafted, as the food stockpile is growing out of control. The floor over the trade depot is in construction. Catapult practise has been resumed. The bedrooms are now being engraved. Mechanism production has been halted; we have far more than required for the next merchants. The central staircase has been covered by lockable hatches as a precaution against the lingering merchants still here. Flint is out hunting. More coffins are being produced. Problematically, Syoan has been sighted collecting items from far outside the fortress. Our legendary mechanic's new nickname, as recently snapped by Fatman. I am told it is slang for "bloody irritating", although whether his nickname derived from the slang or vice versa I have not confirmed. It As annoying as he may be, his skills will still be required in the future. Kragus was told very strongly not to make a totem from Vidar's skull. Strife has suggested constructing pumps to build up the strength of possible recruits in advance. His idea was approved and two have been ordered using the last of the wood.

15th Moonstone
I have engraved three masterpieces. Syoan's desire to announce every one is surprisingly catchy. After Syoan caught on that I had achieved that level, HE began yelling out the announcements to the dwarves. Strife seemed to think it a challenge, and now they're both competing to see who can scream the loudest and most useless notices. But to the engravings, two of them depicted our foundation, and the third of the day I took leadership of these dwarves.

Personally, I am actually impressed how quickly and smoothly Ruins was able to steal control of the fortress back. The panic, blood lust and fury following the goblin attacks clouded the judgment of the dwarves, and she knew the exact words to sway them. It helped that most of the population are migrants, and had not seen her initial deceit in person. I am the only one here who can see that Vidar and the others were mere pawns to Ruins. Ruins must know I know this, but leaves me be, and I do not like not knowing why. I refused to trade with the last merchants as a demonstration of my necessity, but Ruins just used it to stir up displeasure at me. Technically I remain their leader but only requests approved by Ruins reach me, if at all. Ruins is using me, and I no longer doubt her I am included in her further plans. I need to know them, yet, perhaps I shall keep that knowledge from my winter report.

I incorrectly assumed holes were required for pumps, and so there are two unnecessary chasms in the barracks. I will leave them as a reminder ~~to myself~~ that even my calculations can be flawed.

18th Moonstone
Another goblin ambush has been detected in Asno's dark fortress. Considering the results last time, we have stayed indoors and ignored it.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df089.PNG)
(Yeeeaaahhh, The Tax Collector is doing it too.)

Several goblins did emerge closer to our fortress, and attacked a wandering merchant with two guards. Two were killed, and the other was chased towards our fortress entrance. There the guards from the merchant caravans all rushed out to slaughter the goblins after they triggered one trap. Perhaps the lingering merchants will prove more beneficial than anticipated.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df090.PNG)
(I have a personal defence force! ^_^)

24th Moonstone
Unsurprisingly given the attack, the merchants and their guards have now left our fortress. Everyone has been allowed outside again and many dwarves are hauling as much of our trading goods back inside as will still fit in our stockpiles. The rest will simply stay outside until the next caravan arrives; none of it is perishable. Kornash and Flint are instead spending time working out on our pumps. Smoothing and engraving of the cemetery has been resumed after many delays.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df091.PNG)
(And pump. And pump. And pump. And keep on pumping! And pump. x935)

8th Opal
I have successfully equaled Syoan's record of ten masterpieces engraved in a row, but was then interrupted by Strife screaming that Kornash get back to exercising at the pumps (Kornash was too tired to continue). The farmers are spending much of their time socialising, with no seeds to plant as there is so much alcohol and food left untouched.

15th Obsidian
Little of note has occurred until now. Ivanor is a siege operator now, and is discontent that Syoan has stolen all his glory, and most of his infamy. Occasionally he attempts to launch dwarves from the catapult, but otherwise he still performs his jobs. Strife has informed everyone that Kornash became a sheriff, when he already was, but had merely gained skill in pump operation. More than once, putting him slightly ahead in the pointless yelling contest. The goblins corpses outside rotted and their bones used for bolts.

Today is notable as Ivanor entered my office to casually inform me that he could not load the catapult as we had no rock. I assumed it was another of his jokes, until Ruins was also unable to complete the roof over the area. This is, to say the least, something of an unusual problem.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df092.PNG)
(My UNDERGROUND dwarven fortress is out of ROCK. WTF. Least dwarviest dwarves ever.)

We have several unoccupied dwarves and five picks, so the solution is trivial. Nym, a miner, a farmer and a clothier were ordered to mine alongside Ruins downwards, westwards and then almost to the surface of our cemetery; directly beneath the dark fortress. Intentionally on Ruins behalf, but it is unconfirmed how many other dwarves are aware of the possible dangers. Disappointingly few consult these records. The farmer ended up being the one digging the narrow passageway to the area, while the others inefficiently waited and tapped their feet. Golden beryl was struck, but as neither trade goods or morale are currently an issue it was not worth the effort of reassigning labors to avoid its partial destruction. Nym can encrust something with what is left later, although given the large number of totems and mechanisms we possess it is probable only our purses shall eventually benefit.

1st Granite
The miners have struck mica, microline, pyrolusite, microline, microline, olivine and orthoclase. In that order. It has now occurred to Ruins that the area designated for mining is loam rather than stone, so her plan is to dig out an additional area beneath it. The miners are only clearing out the top level first, so any further stone shall have to wait. Strife has amusingly informed me that our food stores are 1337 now, whatever that signifies. The roof over the trade depot has been completed. After Kragus was found sneaking into the dark fortress looking for skulls I ordered everyone inside again. Ruins can not object while she is away mining.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df093.PNG)
(This is going to be awesome when the edges are channeled.)

13th Granite
A goblin snatcher has been spotted near our fortress. For a while it stood still trying to locate either children or paths into our fortress, then left. Two days later, and probably unrelated, elf merchants arrived. Despite their lack of useful wares last time, the bridge is opened for them. If only for someone to take our useless collection of stone mugs. At first nobody rushed to greet them, despite the trade depot being marked as inside. Worryingly, they only began hauling once the bridge was retracted and allowed outside.

22nd Granite
More goblins have attacked Asno's dark fortress. They are ignored again, although it may be of note that Asno's guards only outnumbered them three to one this time, and they are always spread out compared to the attacker's concentrated force. If the size of goblin attacks continues to increase, Asno may be in real danger. When he falls, we dwarves shall be the only targets. We must make the best use of his distraction while we can.

For the elves, we were pleased to find this time they had brought a reasonable number of wooden logs and barrels and accepted our first offer to trade these items for our mugs (820 total value). Once the deal was made our carpenter began construction further barrels to organise our food stockpiles into something manageable.

27th Granite
Another group of dwarven migrants have been spotted to the south. Under Ruin's watchful eye I am recording their details and assigning them temporary positions as they each arrive within the fortress walls. Nym shall then introduce them, show them around and deal with their other immediate sundry needs. Fatman is currently too mentally unwell to do the task. The first migrant is now arriving ...

A brewer, who can assist Fatman and Strife. A peasant, who I'll give Nym's pick and have trained in masonry. A leatherworker, who can train with the catapults and pumps, I might recruit them later. A peasant, who I'll also prepare for the military. A fish cleaner, the same. A trapper, and on second thoughts I may just have Flint sent up to hand out crossbows and begin their recruitment now. An animal caretaker, who can help engrave stone and install mechanisms. A peasant, who I will train as an architect for the times I am busy during construction. A gem cutter, who can remain for now even though we don't have many gems at the moment. A peasant, who is recruited. An armourer, who can take the farmer's pick and train in masonry, I suspect the fields may get more use once these newcomers hunger. A peasant, who can also engrave and install mechanisms, and it's interesting there are so many arriving given the recent deaths and the dark fortress next door.

But continuing, a woodcrafter, who can be a backup carpenter. A peasant, who I would recruit but we only have so many bolts to train with, so I'll assign to weaving further robes. A bone carver, who will antagonise Kragus, but might as well stick with their current profession. A fish cleaver, and I can't think of any other required jobs, so they can just haul for the time being. A miller, who might be useful if the clothing industry actually begins production. A peasant, who can haul. A planter, and I'm fairly sure we don't have enough beds or wood left to make them at this point. A weaponsmith, who will no doubt add to our unemployment rate. A peasant, hauling. A child, who is out of place, useless and in danger in this fortress. A bowyer, who just might have something to craft if our bolt supplies were to drastically increase. A soap maker, who I just KNEW was going to turn up eventually, and shall have to be content carrying dead rodents from Fluffy and Claws.

I believe that was all. Our fortress population is now 41.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: muwahahaha on November 29, 2008, 06:46:01 pm

BAHAHAHAAAA, out of rock?

Did you make the catapult fire into wall with a channel in front of it? that preserves the ammo for reuse and might help with the lack of rocks.

Also, who is more experienced, Kornash or Flint?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 30, 2008, 05:29:05 am

Quote from: muwahahaha on November 29, 2008, 06:46:01 pm

Also, who is more experienced, Kornash or Flint?

Flint by far. Right now Flint's leading the only military squad. He's Extremely Strong, Very Agile and Very Tough. His highest skills are High Master Marksdwarf, Proficient Ambusher, and Competent in Animal Caretaker / Pump Operator, plus a handful of dabbling to (no label).

Kornash is still the sheriff, only Agile and Tough, with Proficient Pump Operator, Novice Siege Operator and a handful of dabblings. Once I get around to finding the underground water (probably after I'm finished collapsing the first dark fortress) I plan on having him lead a melee squad though, honest!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Flintus10 on November 30, 2008, 05:43:20 am

WOOOO

I guess with a profesion name like merchant of death you have to be pretty good at killing stuff

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Frelock on November 30, 2008, 02:40:56 pm

If at some time in the future you have lots of spare stone, a little 5*5 room with nothing in it, and no excessive need for mechanics, could you have Ivanor spam mechanism production (he will have his revenge). Once the workshop gets really cluttered, just deconstruct it and construct a new one in its place. He'll move all the mechanisms to the edge of the room, and start work afresh (call it "cleaning out his workshop"). Then, when he hits legendary, you can have someone come in and shout something along the lines of "What the Hell are we supposed to do with all these Mechanisms!?" Naturally, you can just forbid the non-masterpieces and let them sit.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on November 30, 2008, 06:02:17 pm

Quote from: Frelock on November 30, 2008, 02:40:56 pm

If at some time in the future you have lots of spare stone, a little 5*5 room with nothing in it, and no excessive need for mechanics, could you have Ivanor spam mechanism production (he will have his revenge). Once the workshop gets really cluttered, just deconstruct it and construct a new one in its place. He'll move all the mechanisms to the edge of the room, and start work afresh (call it "cleaning out his workshop"). Then, when he hits legendary, you can have someone come in and shout something along the lines of "What the Hell are we supposed to do with all these Mechanisms!?" Naturally, you can just forbid the non-masterpieces and let them sit.

Tempting though it is, I already have a crap load of mechanisms sitting around unused (137, to be precise), and in the next chapter Ivanor both hits legendary (in a different skill) and well and truly has his crowning moment of awesome over Syoan.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Frelock on November 30, 2008, 10:22:45 pm

Ah. Continuarte... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOqdSZUuqQ0)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 02, 2008, 01:35:22 am

- CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Five Other Tales Of Dwarven Lives. Also Puppy Massacring! -

A Month In The Life Of: Nym, Miner

4th Slate
The fortress has been very busy in the last few days. The Tax Collector doesn't care for freeloaders, even though we have ample supplies. Most of the recent migrants have come from bad enough places that they're glad to take turns sleeping in the barracks. Some like to brag about what they've endured. Some like to brag about what the goblins will have to endure. They're searching for meaning, and this is all they've found. War, I suppose, or some prelude to it. Asno treats us like bastards lately, when he bothers to speak at all. He may be right, but what could have become of these dwarves in a land where the smiles of all races were honest ...

I have spent most of my time mining stone with Lady Ruins, so I have not seen all the changes in the fortress, but I talk while I work and I know enough to fill in the gaps. The floors everywhere in the fortress are being smoothed and engraved by The Tax Collector and a few others. Some jobs have been reorganised to allow clothing production to begin. There were a few problems with missing labors and required bags, but it is working well enough. A number of dogs are being butchered for bone bolts our military can practise with. Would it be so hard to train the dogs to fight directly? But Flint is rarely deterred from his own obsessions. The rest are thrown back in the pen afterwords. The kitchen is constantly being worked. Doors, cabinets and coffers are being mass produced. The catapults are in use again. There is always hauling to be done for those without a specialty.

14th Slate
After watching another dog carcass go to waste, Ruins has decided to set up a leatherworking industry, purely for the purpose of cheap armour for the military. The only dwarf with any skill has been recruited, so a fishcleaner was given the tools and thrown into the workshop. A peasant was given the job of tanning.

Lady Ruins and The Tax Collector's interaction is unusual to observe. They are polite and considerate to each other in public, but their every action seems deliberate and planned, as if it carried hidden meaning. Yet there is awkwardness and hesitancy too, almost as unadmitted lovers, but hostile. There are always games being played above us mere dwarves, I suppose ...

21st Slate
It is cool in the mines, but there must have been a heatwave outdoors today, with so many people thirty at once. I looked around when I was drinking myself, and saw a fortress in mess. Cluttered workshops, some stockpiles full and others empty. I went to speak to Fatman about a few changes, but he wasn't really listening. The Tax Collector listened when I spoke of numbers. The workplace stockpiles were reorganised shortly after.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df094.PNG)
(And that was the SECOND lot of them.)

28th Slate
The military's stockpile of bolts is almost empty, and Kornash has been collecting bones from far outside again. The response was to butcher all the puppies and muskox calves in the fortress. The reactions to this are mixed ... Kragus, "fufufu". Flint, "heeheehee". Syoan, "ANOTHER PUPPY HAS BEEN STRUCK DOWN EVERYONE!!". Even the cats are laughing. It was horrible, but I expected no better here ... I suppose that was even why I came. I wanted to be a voice of reason, but nobody hears me over their growing bloodlust. The most I can do is tend to the livestock spared and if nothing else maybe be the impartial witness these kinds of acts need. History will forget me, but maybe if I can survive for a while it will remember that what happened here might be the fault of a dwarf, but I cannot believe it was ever the fault of all dwarves.

A Month In The Life Of: Strife, Farmer

12th Felsite
Earlier today a weaponsmith withdrew from society! It was a pretty good announcement to hear, even if Syoan did manage to beat me to yelling it. We could always use more dwarves imparted with legendary knowledge. Of course, he just kind of, you know, stood around for a while at first. I suppose we should have actually built a forge with those anvils we traded for a while back! (Wait, anvils? I thought we only had one, but hey!) Some idle dwarf is given the task of building it, and the moment it's up the weaponsmith rushes over and claims it. Shocked, I am SHOCKED that he would do that, heh. It doesn't take him long to grab a few items and start work. Waitamoment, he didn't grab any fuel, how is he ... ?

There hasn't been any leatherworking done yet, by the way. The fishcleaner must be really good at finding distractions or something, he's been given the labor but hasn't even started yet. So is the tanner, actually, so a few others are told to hurry the job along if needed. I'm not one of them, thankfully. Animal skin is kind of, ick. Vegetarian stirfry, that's the way to go! At least it would be if I were allowed to cook, well, anything that wasn't meat or ale. THIS DIET IS SLOWLY KILLING ALL OF YOU!! Really, I'm only thinking in your best interests here.

21st Felsite
Kragus created a masterpiece, and then ANOTHER MASTERPIECE EVERYBODY straight afterward. There was this brief moment, a look in his eye, where he thought his talent would bring him friends, and then wham! The metalsmith finishes his artifact. A really weird artifact though, I mean, is the oil supposed to teach you a lesson in avoiding being corkscrewed or what? The Tax Collector estimated it at 19200 value though, the best so far!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df095.PNG)
(Strife is notably not revering the prospect of sweltering.)

Credit where credit is due, Syoan DID make a pretty neat trap out of it. He used his artifact mechanism, that, and an iron whip just to add insult to injury. It was placed just outside out main stairway so if any enemies actually reach it we're pretty much screwed anyway, so let's just hope the rest of our defences hold everyone off! On the upside, it's in the perfect spot for Ivanor to compare his stone traps and mope jealously around for a bit before wandering off and muttering about getting even. That Syoan hasn't fallen victim to any pranks since is actually kind of worrying. What's Ivanor spending all his time doing lately, anyway?

8th Hematite
Man you know I hate to bring a downer thought (or down a poorly thought meal) to the table, but our military is pretty lackluster at the moment. They're using all the bolts we have pretty much instantly training. Except for a few metal ones, but still. Flint's skills are pretty awesome from all the time he spent hunting but the other recruits are all "competent" this and "skilled" that. One of them hasn't even DABBLED somehow. Yeesh, it's a good thing we're not actively working towards removing the only distraction from the goblin and kobold attacks!

Oh wait, we are. Good old retractable bridge, you'll never fail us!

A Month In The Life Of: Syoan, Mechanic

16th Felsite
EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! FLAGRANT ABUSE OF DUMPING MECHANICS IS TENUOUSLY HANDWAVED BECAUSE THE TAX COLLECTOR IS REALLY VERY EFFICIENT. ALTERNATIVELY, IVANOR INVENTED A PORTABLE HOLE. NO WAIT, FLINT HAD NOTHING ELSE TO KILL SO HE KILLED THE ... logic of ... the situation. Ah, whatever. The important thing is that we preserve out stone supplies somewhere safe and closer by while we have some fun with the nearest goblin tower. Digging just for stone is boring, and

KOBOLDS! IN THE DARK FORTRESS! THOUGHT YOU OUGHT TO KNOW!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df096.PNG)
(Oh NOES, they'll distract other enemies! We're dooooomed!)

Oh and it goes without saying the merchants choose now to arrive and bypass our "inaccessible" site rather than let us open the bridge again. HA! JOKE! Of course it doesn't go without saying, but Strife beat me to it. This time. The kobolds are actually doing okay against Asno's guards, ha. I hope they leave some for alive for us to play with later.

19th Felsite
THERE IS A KOBOLD THIEF OVER THERE PROTECT YOUR STUFF EVERYONE! THIS IS IN STARK COMPARISON TO THE OTHER KOBOLDS AROUND THE PLACE NOW WHO ONLY WISH TO KILL YOU! THE MERCHANTS ARE NOW UNLOADING THEIR GOODS! Strife is already retaliating with announcements for each newborn puppy struck down, reminding us that since puppies are smaller they have less meat, and are therefore healthier for you. Clever. That dwarf is a worthy adversary, but as soon as I find The Tax Collector's records I'll show him by announcing everything the kobold steals that wasn't even ours in the first place!

Anyway, I guess we don't have to haul anything out this time since there area already a pile of mechanisms left out from last time. It would be nice if everybody didn't keep treading on my babies. We request the usual wood, bolts, barrels and charcoal. The Tax Collector comes out and offers to trade literally all the mechanisms they can carry for literally everything they are carrying now (few charcoal, some wood, some barrels and two leather bins). The merchants don't accept. Well, :P to that. You know what this means? We finally have an excuse to raid Kragus's totem collection! Hahaha!

27th Felsite
ATTENTION EVERYONE YOU ARE ALL LAZY AND THAT TOOK FOREVER! Oh sure, there was harvesting to be done, but you didn't really need to keep hauling those stones up to reload the catapults. They were turned off and the harvest BURNED (okay, not really hahaha) and The Tax Collector made the trade for some mechanisms and some totems. HEY RUINS IS MORE SKILLED SHE'S TOTALLY A LEGENDARY MINER NOW OKAY?! GREAT! AND THAT CHILD IS A NOVICE GROWER AND AGILE JUST FROM HARVESTING OR SOMETHING! Oh, and the kobolds are dead or fleeing from Asno's remaining guards, but not even I care about that. The carpenter starts building beds straight away which is GREAT NEWS for everybody else because apparently I snore when I sleep in the barracks. REALLY loudly. It kind of sucks we don't have any ore for the legendary weaponsmith to work with, but at least we can get the rest of that leather armour made now. And HOLY SHIT GUYS ANOTHER SIXTEEN MASTERPIECE ENGRAVINGS FROM THE TAX COLLECTOR DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HIM?! NO?! HOW ABOUT ME YOU ALL LOVE ME RIGHT EVERYONE?! WELL YOU ALL SUCK!

A Month In The Life Of: Kornash, Sheriff

1st Galena
Recently, I have come to expect these delays by Ruins. I was promised my own squadron to lead against Asno and his kin. First I have no weapon, then I cannot risk sparring, then I must butcher, operate seige engines, train the the pumps, haul stone after stone away from the digging area, and even now Ruins has put off chasming the loam and orthoclase levels together in favour of constructing small crossbow towers alongside our catapults. I am a patient man, and I understand these developments further our dwarven strength, but so help me Armok if Ruins has been lying to me ...

18th Galena
A diplomat has left unhappy. After being ignored and forced to endure the stench and mess of our fortress for so long, I can't imagine why. He won't do anything, he's too scared of us. One day the whole world will be. I hear our would-be masons have been troubles figuring out to construct the towers, being unable to build walls and constructions and whatnot. Ruins figured it out in the end but their ignorance in such a simple construction hardly bodes well for the planned destruction of a dark tower. I'll be staying far clear of that, supports or not.

21st Galena
Syoan and Strife are tiresome idiots. They could work much faster if they weren't spending half of their time gossiping for the sake of yelling announcements first. A masterpiece. A masterpiece. Another fucking masterpiece. A mad guild representative. The umpteenth master - wait, repeat that last one.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df097.PNG)
("Eh? Meh." could well be my new catchphrase when playing DF.)

Complete bedrooms for each dwarf (aside from recruits) have been completed. The room is hardly worth the eyesores on the way down to it. The floors are almost entirely covered in engravings of dwarves. Just an FYI in case the yelling hadn't tipped you off.

26th Galena
Any dwarves that can't figure out how to move a single rock out of the way, or even use it in the construction, of building a wall are retarded and should do their duty as meatshields for those of us with any chance of outwitting a camel. Now I need to have words and a sword with Ruins for not seeking out a water source yet.

A Week In The Life Of: Flint, Merchant Of Death

13th Limestone
Flint notices the bridge opened today. Hear something about missed caravans. Caravans are no fun, Flint not allowed to kill them. Flint not allowed to kill anything lately, not even camels. No dwarves rush out to suicidally collect things, too busy dumping stone. You can't kill stone, it not interest Flint.

Corners of the defensive wall fixed today. It keeps all the flying enemies from getting in diagonally, Flint guess. Crossbow towers nearly ready! They two levels high and just need fotri- fortefi- firtrifor- holes. Need holes for bolts. To kill with! Spare ammo not here yet either, but only kill a few things better than kill no things.

OH! Kobold makes it all the way into the fortress unseen! Kobold okay to kill, but before Flint can rouse military the dogs chase it out. Flint laugh and follow them out to watch kobold be kibble'd. Oh WAIT. YES. FUN! There is ambush of kobold outside! Good thing dog noticed in time, good doggie.

Bridge vanished again (where Ruins put it???). Flint and friends go to the one finish tower. Catapults turned on. Dogs shot by kobows. BATTLE ON, IT KILL TIME! ^_^

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df098.PNG)
(On the up side, it save US the effort of butchering them.)

14th Limestone
Flint hear rude words down on ground, hear "fuck", "carvan", "all times", "fuck", "passed", "fucking" also "dwarven merchants". Flint bet they killed, but not want. Flint must end battle quick to save dwarfs with Flint's ammo! (Flint hope there ammo.)

16th Limestone
... Ho ... Holy crap. Flint suddenly see red blur on ground, moving perfectly agile! It zips between BOTH catapults, pause just long enough for Flint to recognise Ivanor, determined, devious, legendary, before he starts flinging stones towards kobolds almost as fast as Flint shoot bolt! Kobolds panic and run all zig zaggy, trying to dodge massive boulders of splattering. Blood and limbs seen lying around when first hit. One or two kobold get close, so Ivanor back off and Flint shoot bolts down to kill it. One dodge traps, but is knocked out by bolt or something and triggers trap. Splat, yay! Ivanor fling more rocks and the kobolds alive flee in terror. All gone long before merchants even get near.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df099.PNG)
(Legendary siege operators are pretty awesome to watch in action.)

Ivanor smirks at Syoan, dusts hands and casually reloads his stone trap.

Flint so turned on right now.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: muwahahaha on December 02, 2008, 03:36:43 am

Dude, I LOVE your storytelling. I think this is probably the funniest community fort I've seen. Keep it up!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Flintus10 on December 02, 2008, 04:04:35 am

Quote

Kragus, "fufufu". Flint, "heeheehee". Syoan, "ANOTHER PUPPY HAS BEEN STRUCK DOWN EVERYONE!!".

And the whole month/weeks in the life of everyone were hilarious keep it up ;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 03, 2008, 06:48:49 pm

- CHAPTER NINETEEN: But It's More Fun The Wrong Way -

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

20th Limestone
Alright first of all, who the FUCK stole MY cookbook? I'm not imagining things here, it was right there just outside and some dwarf in this fortress has been taking my possessions without my permission and I swear to Armok you had better own up right now or I'll stop cooking and let all you bastards starve to death in about five years from now. Oh sure, I might have had the whole "mental breakdown" thing. Oh sure, I might have literally thrown the draft into the refuse pile and maybe there was just a little bit of swearing never to write such useless crap while fellow dwarves were being murdered but STILL. I'm over it. Move on. Admired my own fine container lately. Give me the book.

I was actually thinking of starting a new book, something like "Killing Your Fortress For Dummies, A How-Not-To Guide". It had a clever preface and everything. ("Living in a war zone; somewhere between a garbage dump and a meeting area, where goblins and kobolds are regularly dumped even WITHOUT hauling labors active.") I don't really blame Asno or the goblins for Vidar's death. If the goblins are attacking anyone here they must have a reason, and it can't be any worse than ours for sending Vidar and the other marksdwarves out to get involved. But I don't want any other dwarves to die, and I figured this place would be a great example for future generations of how NOT to run a fortress. If I can't be famous, I can at least settle for infamous. Or alive. I never really had that many recipes anyway, but I was going to use the other notes as a starter for the first draft, at least until somebody STOLE them, just in case I hadn't mentioned that yet.

Instead, I'm just going to be taking new notes as a go along, and every time I do, I'm giving them straight to Strife to scream into the ears of every dwarf in the fortress until I get my cookbook back. Strife loves the gossip so much he's actually agreed to pay ME for the task. Enjoy the ringing.

1st Sandstone
WHY are you withdrawing the military? Unless Syoan is talking out of his arse we know there's still at least one kobold alive stealing everything not tied down! Hmph, I'm just glad I work straight across from the barracks. Anyway, the merchants have arrived. Ruins has started channeling the two dug out levels underneath the dark tower together, just so it falls further. Have you thought maybe we should be attacking the goblins actually hostile towards us? I'm just checking.

The Tax Collector is a legendary engraver now, but Ruins still has to have stern words to him to stop laboring and keeping perfect records before he comes out to trade. The merchants have a couple of charcoal and logs, a few cages and a few barrels. One of the cages is worth 9580 somehow (NOT happening), but we're actually willing to pay 3275 for one barrel, which should really demonstrate how desperate we are here. Several offers are rejected, and the merchants begin to lose their patience. Before they accept the trade we have to haul up all of the totems, crowns and other lighter trinkets to offer. The mechanisms are too heavy, which could be a problem if the caravans keep ignoring us.

There are also camels wandering outside. Ivanor started catapulting boulders, but never hit any of them. Annoyed, he called for Flint to shoot them down for their bone, but Flint was sleeping. You live today, camels. Strife, shake your fist here.

18th Sandstone
The merchants leave. Ruins orders everyone to stop dumping stone into the fortress, since we're not using that much now Ivanor is bored of catapult practise. Our fortress stinks, seriously, will people stop leaving rotting meat around the place or SOMETHING because the miasma is spreading all over the place like an overeager stripper. Or so I heard. You ... can probably leave our that bit, Strife.

Uh, so, every time I hear Syoan yell "CALF" I think "BONE". It seems a shame to waste masterwork bolts on targets, but our military is poorly trained and we're not exactly drowning in options. There are many delicious things you can do with a plump helmet, but no dangerous ones. Unless you want the goblins to choke to death. Which I doubt would work, but we have so much perfectly prepared foodstuffs going to waste we might as WELL donate some to Asno rather than leave it to rot.

Oh hey, that other bone carver has been taken by a fey mode, and it looks like he's started working without any ingredient dramas. Kragus is going to be pissed.

23rd Sandstone

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df100.PNG)
(One hundred screencaps and what awesomeness do I get for it? ... "Syrupblossom".)

... I don't CARE if it's worth over 56000 value, that it is without a doubt the wimpiest artifact ever. Half the fortress still gathers around to ooh and aah it, but that's only because without any dumping they don't have jobs. The Tax Collector seems less concerned than I thought he would be, like he's distracted by something more important. Hmph, If I had my way, I'd recruit the whole lot of them to stand as meatshields between the surface and me. I feed the bastards, after all. (STRIFE'S NOTE: I DO TO, YOU KNOW. AND THOSE OTHER FEW FARMERS.)

The butcher's shop looks like it has ... masterwork ... clutter? We really need a bigger food stockpile sometime. Instead, Ruins has arbitrarily changed her plans to something more sensible (than what she was doing, anyway): An outer channel. It's being dug around the north, west and south of the fort, with entry granted via two retractable bridges to the north east and south east. Only once the work is started does it occur to anyone that the western channel borders on what has already been dug underneath the dark tower. Which has the problem that invaders could take the escape staircase built for Kornash a while back, wind around a bit, and emerge into our fortress from the cemetery. Not good. The escape staircase is channeled around and a lockable door installed in the tunnel from the cemetery to the dug out levels, just in case an invader is knocked into the pit or something. NO POSSIBLE TROUBLE CAN COME FROM THIS DECISION. Strife, you do know what sarcasm is, right?

10th Timber
Somehow the outer perimeter was completed without any miners trapping themselves, good job dwarves! I think? Ivanor and Syoan spend a few minutes boasting, insulting and generally annoying the hell of out each other while they hooked up the bridges to a lever labeled "Outer brides". Some kind of sexual joke or an innocent typo? I'm afraid to ask. I'm sure the two will have plenty of time to get over their differences while they're installing the fifty additional stone traps around the bridges. The look on their faces when they were told was priceless.

[Author's Note: I accidentally saved over the original screenshot at that point, so this one comes SLIGHTLY FROM THE FUTURE! Exciting, isn't it?]

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df101.PNG)
(Now my dwarves walk even further into danger to collect discarded bones. Excellent.)

18th Timber
We've had a cave in. The miners were careless while designating areas of the floor to dig out, and a single space plummeted down a single level. One miner fell down with it, and the dust knocked out two others, but thankfully nobody was hurt. Interestingly, the floor underneath the cave in is loam now. There must be SOME way to exploit that and grow food deep underground without irrigation, but somehow I don't think it would be worth the risk, or effort. Although I totally could if I wanted to.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df102.PNG)
(Sleepy time for Atir!)

7th Moonstone
I KNEW this would happen eventually. A miner ended up stuck while channeling the floor. The support lever on the lower level counted as a floor, and they gleefully stood on it while channeling their own path out. Someone had to rebuild the floor to rescue the idiot.

12th Moonstone
You know guys, somebody should probably test that bridge before we're attacked again. ... Okay, so both sides retract well, now we need to try ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df103.PNG)
(Yes, this actually happened about ten seconds after I thought of it. Yes, Kragus is dead.)

Oh crap somebody OPEN THE BRIDGES and get everybody back inside the fortress! Aah, there's no way Kragus is going to make it! Wait, wait, he's using his last few seconds of life make a break for it towards Asno, honourably sacrificing his own life to buy time and lure the goblins towards a distraction. Truly, he is a hero who cared for nothing more than the lives of his fellow dwarves.

Eighteen Seconds In The Life Of: Kragus, Bone Master

12th Moonstone
I did fucking not. Oomph! Hmblearg! Urgh ... Dark Lord in mountain deep, my bones shall be a decor for your ascension, I COME TO THEE!

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

17th Moonstone

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df104.PNG)
(Is that engraver determined or what.)

You know, if you'd cared this much about Kragus BEFORE he'd died we might not have lost another founding dwarf. You know what? New rule. And I went right up to Ruins to get this allowed, so I'll set Kornash on anyone who breaks it. No collecting refuse from outside, no collecting death items, don't even thinking about bringing back the corpse unless you're given EXPLICIT permission. Oh and another thing? Every single object outside of our bridges is now mass forbidden. Do your mourning in safety, I'm sick of this ...

23rd Moonstone
Okay, all the goblins are dead or have fled from one of Asno's priests. NOW you can bring the corpse in.

7th Opal
Hey, some camels ran into our stone traps. Two died instantly, and a third lay mortally wounded while Syoan casually reloaded the traps. If our butcher's shop weren't so busy culling puppies again (they're clogging up the statue room again. If we ever have to run for our lives I'm pretty sure our cats would prefer we tripped over them and died that way instead) we'd have even more meat that'll never actually be eaten, but still, free bones are nice. It'll feel kind of weird not having our bolts covered in Kragus's drool (don't ask), but we DO still have a legendary bone carver and all.

You know what? Those two dug out area are channeled out enough. The team of miners have started channeling the outside of the dark tower while the guards look down worriedly. Oh ho ho ho, not you Ruins. I have a signed petition from all the migrants that you stay inside in safety and make statues. For, uh, decorating the trapped bridges. Yeah.

16th Opal
Another miner gets themselves trapped, this time alongside the dark tower. JUST JUMP DOWN. I'LL CATCH YOU, HONEST. Or you could, I guess, waste time having somebody build a floor to let you over and then waste a door to make you sure you deconstruct the floor from a non-idiotic direction. That works too. More worryingly, our legendary bone carver has managed to find bones in the dark tower that technically weren't forbidden. Even when the order to carve them is canceled he still runs all the way out to them before coming back. On the up side, at least they weren't from the tower we're about the collapse, which is sadly an improvement in dwarven reasoning.

24th Opal
It's ready! It's ready! Okay, I know I'm advocating defence over stupid pointless attacks on the only nonhostile creatures in the area, but you can't help but get a little excited. Asno is watching from a tower further away, looking nervous and helplessly offering several barrels of tea. (Or boiling oil, I'm not sure.) Flint is standing by with the military just in case there are counterattacks or new weaknesses in our defence. I think this is the first time I've seen Kornash smile, it's a little disturbing. Strife is going around warning everybody about the dangers of inhaling dust. Syoan and Ivanor are arguing with each other about the exact consequences. Ruins and The Tax Collector are watching silently. Nym is the only dwarf hiding away somewhere rather than watching.

Ruins speaks, "Ivanor, kindly pull that lever."
"You mean the one labeled Do Not Ever Ever Touch?"
"It says Collapse Dark Fortress."
"Pfft, if you hadn't dug out this thing, I'd say you were no fun."

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df105.PNG)
(Waaaiiit for it ...)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df106.PNG)
(SFX: WHOMPH.)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df107.PNG)
(Wow, somebody actually survived. Well, temporarily.)

Hey, free obsidian. And I think some of those guys weapons and ammo survived the fall, somebody needs to dig those out before we seal the place up. Oh and The Tax Collector, Flint says he can only see seven of them alive elsewhere; three guards, a priestess, a farmer, a swordsman and Asno himself.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: rickvoid on December 04, 2008, 01:17:11 pm

I got killed? Crap.
Love Kragus' last words though. ;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jamini on December 04, 2008, 01:28:44 pm

There were survivors? Obviously you didn't undermine it deep enough.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 04, 2008, 06:27:40 pm

Quote from: Jamini on December 04, 2008, 01:28:44 pm

There were survivors? Obviously you didn't undermine it deep enough.

After a few dwarf days the only survivors were on OTHER towers (there were three separate towers on the map, two are still standing.) I'd collapse them too, but it somehow feels crueler to leave the last few friendlies alive to be slowly taken out by ambushes. Plus I figure it's about time to start exploratory mining, and as of the end of the next chapter I have ... other problems to contend with.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 05, 2008, 01:01:19 am

- CHAPTER TWENTY: Consequences -

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

1st Obsidian
Ruins has been searching through the wreckage of the dark tower looking for anything salvageable we can dig out. The first thing she noticed was a human leather amulet. I can't be sure, but I don't recall anyone other than humans on that tower when it collapsed. That's kind of creepy. Other than that, Ruins has marked a few earrings, bolts and a couple of iron weapons that she wants dug out before the area is sealed off. Apparently I'm not worth an obsidian bedroom. Hmph, does she not see the TWO THOUSAND units of food and ale sitting around? How many wood logs could we buy with THAT?! Bonecrafts have nothing on my lavish feasts, I'm trading a few for some armour or something next time we have merchants. (I've heard cloth images are being sewn to help trading as well, but who cares about that?) Of course, only about ten percent of that is ale due to the lack of barrels.

A moderate stone stockpile has been dug out underneath the central staircase, it might save a few steps later if the catapults get heavy use or something. A couple of dogs have been tied up by the outer bridges to act as a warning system for ambushes. You'd think somebody would have bothered to at least train them, but no. Unnoticed to anyone before now, Kornash has hit legendary. At pump operating. We REALLY need to give that dwarf a day job, but at least Strife is impressed how fit Kornash is getting.

18th Obsidian
In an impressive display of awareness, two miners have gone hungry for a couple of weeks when somebody forgot to unlock the access tunnel to the wreckage. Although, I'm not sure they ended up down there at all if nobody had opened it since the collapse. Meanwhile, dwarves dumping rock from the expanded food stockpile seem to be picking the furthest possible dumping zone for some reason, and when Ruins decided to briefly allow outside refuse collecting for bones HALF THE GODDAMN FORT ran all over the place only to come back with SKULLS. I swear to god, if Ruins forgets to forbid refuse hauling from other dwarves than us foundies they're all going to get slaughtered the same way Kragus was. On the upside, the rush of idiot dwarves towards the dark fortress after on the collapse of one of the towers absolutely TERRIFIES Asno.

27th Obsidian
Flint is now a legendary champion! What does this mean for our fortress? It means that our only decent hunter will refuse to hunt if asked. Killing camels isn't good enough for Flint anymore, no, now he's a "connoisseur" of death. I don't think he even knows what the word means. I don't think he even knows it IS a word, he just picked random syllables and got lucky.

More helpfully, Ivanor was recently taken by a fey mood. Most of what he required was available, but he demanded Ruins chissel out a couple of stone blocks before he continued. Syoan tied himself in front of the mason's workshop in a bid to stop Ivanor becoming double legendary, but forgot we had TWO mason's workshops. I don't think anybody has bothered to untie him yet. Anyway, Ivanor went to work and came out with a pretty uninteresting mechanism, only worth 7200 value. Ivanor insisted that it was nevertheless "highly functional", then proceeded to rub it in everyone's face that he was further undeniably more awesome than Syoan.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df108.PNG)
(Fatman neglects to mention that he is now the only surviving, nonlegendary founding dwarf.)

1st Granite
The collapsed dark tower has now been sealed off with a constructed wall, so our defences SHOULDN'T have any more flaws. There was some discussion about collapsing the other two towers, but The Tax Collector reasoned that it wouldn't be worth twice the effort for only seven kills and Kornash was about to walk out and fight Asno alone if we didn't start looking for water to safeguard sparring.

Yes, our fortress finally gets around to exploratory mining, not for ore, not for gems, but to find WATER. Congratulations dwarves, you've reached an all new low of dwarfiness. After observing the area and consulting her maps (double checking, this time) Ruins guesses there should be an underground water supply to the nor north west. Her and the other miners start digging a looooong passage out that way, wide enough for two dwarves to fit through. Unless they run into anything on the way, they plan to start digging narrow tunnels in a grid pattern around the area. If nothing then, they'll try further up or down.

18th Granite
Another kobold ambush, spotted by one of the guard dogs. Most of them are to the north of our fortress, but a few are heard elsewhere in the dark fortress (sadly, those were killed without any casualties on Asno's side). Flint and Ivanor rushed out deal with the kobolds, but most of them were killed by the traps. Syoan rushed out to reload them, not getting very far before running back inside away from the kobolds. (Really, what did he think would happen?) Ivanor just laughed and loaded the nearest catapult, but Flint and the military had undramatically shot the rest down before they got within range.

Oooh, one of the miners has struck goshenite. I don't know what that IS, but I'm informed by Nym it's valuable. Syoan reloads the stone traps and one of the marksdwarves grabs a quiver from the corpses. Somebody ties another dog right next to the corpse of the first. It ... doesn't look very happy about that. Oooh, cat's eye. [Author's Note: Coincidental timing? Fluffy thinks not!] Blaaah, elven merchants. The Tax Collector orders the crafts and mechanisms to be brought out to trade. Because, the pack animals are going to be able to carry SO MANY of those. Can we just squash the elves and EAT their animals instead?

24th Granite
One of the miners struck ore, galena. It might be useful if we really need a metal chain or something, but we have more important things to use wood for than fuel. It turns out the elves actually brought a useful 32 wooden logs. Nothing else we wanted, but still, maybe they're not THAT bad. The Tax Collector traded a single mechanisms for all the wood and ordered everything hauled back inside again. Why does nobody every check these things BEFORE we waste all that time bringing goods out in the first place?! (STRIFE'S NOTE: IT'S GOOD EXERCISE, THAT'S WHY.)

Ahem. Our carpenter has started constructing twenty beds out of the wood, and ten barrels. The miners have halted their other tasks to dig out more bedrooms in case more migrants arrive, and furniture building, engraving and the like is gradually being done. A few idle dwarves are bringing back another cluster of cat's eye from the mines. I'm sure cutting the various gems will keep Nym busy, and give idle dwarves something to haul all the way out up, but nobody has told to tell me what we're actually going to DO with them.

14th Slate
Speak of the devils ... Nym? I'm going to need your help introducing this latest wave of livers and Strife you'd better start brewing.

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

14th Slate
With the falling of the dark tower, the strength of our own fortress was demonstrated to more than just Asno. The goblins and kobolds that thought mere ambushes would suffice will soon realise it will take far stronger forces to topple US. But the goblins are too scared of disturbing whatever is hidden here, and the kobolds on this island were never more than ragtag scavengers. Neither group shall prove a problem and Asno's numbers are too few to do much but cower in his standing towers. The bloodlust in this fortress grows, and with each victory, so to do our numbers. More untrained dwarves thinking they are safe from all danger. For now, perhaps. But it is not only water I search for deep underground, and when the whole world sees this battle, my endgame will draw closer ...

But to present matters. Before they even reach the outer defences the migrants are attacked by a kobold. Unfortunately for the thief, the first migrant is a ranger, and the group is barely slowed. The total of all migrants are: A ranger, peasant, carpenter, glassmaker, engineer, brewer, dyer, peasant, peasant, animal carer, soap maker, peasant, metalsmith, dyer, metalsmith, mechanic, peasant, trapper, hunter and one last peasant. The ranger and hunter are recruited into the military under Flint, while half a dozen or so are noted down by Kornash to be recruited and trained in melee combat once we have located water. A few are given access to the pumps in the meanwhile, although their stamina is amusingly short compared to Kornash's. [Author's Note: That's what she said!] The rest have more useful labors assigned by the Tax Collector where needed. Now our population is sufficient for a fortress guard Kornash is demanding private rooms. His requests are ignored, since with any luck he will be just another recruit soon enough.

6th Felsite
Aside from engraving, the new bedrooms have been completed and assigned to the migrants. As a small and meaningless reminder of his now technically higher ranking, The Tax Collector banned the export of nickel silver exports. He has been requested private chambers too. Several of the more disapproving and bloodthirsty dwarves seriously suggested killing him. A warning that THEY could be chosen as the next mayor was all it took to deter him. It would be like a whack a mole game but with nobles, hmm. My future uses of The Tax Collector are kept to myself, even from The Tax Collector's prying watch. He should know I can not trust him with them. I designated a few rooms to be dug out, but unsurprisingly, the miners preferred to keep digging down in the mines, unearthing a few more gem clusters. Ah well, but of I course I tried.

18th Felsite
The Tax Collector called in a favour with Syoan (something to do with stock records) to have him repeatedly yell The Tax Collector's displeasure all day and night. After several dwarves were unable to sleep I undesignated the mines and ordered the miners back out to dig and furnish the rooms. Another kobold thief was spotted, but this one ran away after encountering a camel on her period.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df109.PNG)
(Excuse me, but WHAT do you think you are doing in the mayor's private chambers?)

10th Hematite
Green tourmaline, golden beryl, rubicelle, pink tourmaline. The stockpiles actually needed tweaking to account for all the gems we've been lucky enough to find. With these, the mechanisms, a few more bonecrafts, a reasonable amount of clothing and plenty of prepared meals we certainly don't have any shortage of tradeable goods. Hopefully a dwarven or human caravan will arrive soon, as we are still lacking in other vital supplies such as wood or ammo. We've had the livestock dumped back into the pen again, the hallways are crowded enough with sixty one dwarves as is. Fatman has been muttering that as he is now a legendary grower he really deserves a safe room or something. He over worrying as always, we ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df110.PNG)
(What?)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df111.PNG)
(WHAT.)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df112.PNG)
(In retrospect, collapsing a tower full of innocent HUMANS probably wasn't such a great idea. Or the insane diplomat thing.)

Hmm.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Muno syoan on December 05, 2008, 07:20:40 am

Well, at least the tax collector untied me (eventually). And for your information, the only thing I did to the stocks was assign a couple of (Ivanors') things for dumping. :P
This is a fantastic story by the way.
Also, Humans = bones = shooting the next human seige with bone bolts made from the first human seige. Fun times, fun times.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 05, 2008, 08:18:14 am

- CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: It's Divisible By Seven! Less Excitingly, A Siege. -

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

10th Hematite
HUMANS?! In OUR fortress?! It's more likely than we thought! Really, this what The Tax Collector gets for letting the diplomat go insane. And did I not tell everyone that collapsing the tower was a waste of time? Because I distinctly recall that part. Obviously the humans deserved it for working under that bastard goblin Asno, nobody would deny that, but if we'd spent the time productively we could have bribed the whole army off even if they HAD attacked! Flint is ecstatic, rousing the military and heading up to the crossbow towers. Ivanor and a few others are waiting by the catapults in case the invaders actually get close enough to be hit by a boulder. Our guard dogs seems to be missing. I don't know if they fell in the channel or camels ate them what. It doesn't matter. Our catapults are loaded. Our crossbows towers are manned. Our battle cries are issued. ("Madness? This. Is. MAAAAASTAAAAAPIECE ENGRAVING BY THE TAX COLLECTOR!") We are ready to fight. And by "we" I mean "most other dwarves while I stay behind to produce delicious food for our victorious warriors", naturally.

14th Hematite
We wait nervously as the humans march slowly southwards. Today a miner emerged from digging to get a drink:

"Hey guys, this is AWESOME, we struck ORTHOCLASE! Yeah! Wait, why is everyone looking so serious? ... Oh. Sorry. I'll just ... nevermind."

15th Hematite
Okay. Okay. Don't panic. Don't get angry. This is actually a good thing, right? We're technically safer, we didn't waste that much effort, we have more time to ... Fuck it! Stupid humans ruin all our fun. Why couldn't they have just SPECIFIED they were on our side rather then blow their horns and declare a siege? I still don't trust them. Nobody even think about lowering our defences.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df113.PNG)
(Humans are such spoilsports.)

Hmph. Not that anyone is paying much attention to what's happening inside our fortress right now, but one of our peasants marked for the meleetry (as Kornash plans to call it) was possessed. He heads down to our wood stockpiles and grabs a couple of our emergency logs. He's hiding away in one of the craftsdwarf's workshops now, muttering about all the OTHER things he wants. A shell, a metal bar, leather, MORE wood. This has better be good.

17th Hematite
Despite being almost universally hated, The Tax Collector has been reelected mayor. I think everybody is just scared to be in a noble position after Ivanor's discussions regarding possible death traps for them.

19th Hematite
Asno! The human army have found him atop one of the standing towers and they're preparing to fight!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df114.PNG)
(If hair was implemented yet Asno's would now be gold and spiky.)

They're standing still, staring at each other. The humans are yelling some kind of accusation, I've got no idea what they're saying. Asno replies calmly, drawing his sword. The humans laugh and Asno smirks, offering them a teacup. One of the marksdwarves shatters it with a single bolt. Asno is saying something else. The humans are furious again, and the wind carries down a single word for us watching dwarves ... "demon".

Asno charges the nearest pikeman, but he barely does any damage through the armour. The pikeman stabs back, wounding Asno's left lower arm. Asno readies another attack, but before he can strike all the crossbowers fire at once. (Flint is booing, I think he wanted to steal those bolts for himself.) Asno is winded and in pain, striking the pikeman again in the lower right arm. Another half dozen bolts fly and ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df115.PNG)
(This was actually sad to watch.)

Aaaaaaaaand you know that sword is going to be stolen when this siege is over. I mean, look at that thing. Kornash could pull of badass with that sword so much more than Asno. I wonder if he'd agree to be my personal body guard if I brought him that, I mean damn.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df116.PNG)
(All it really needs is carp bones somewhere.)

20th Hematite
Whatever it is possessing the peasant has started working. None of the miners have found any traces of water, so they're trying again a few levels down. Ruins could probably get away with a wider grid, but I suppose we are finding a reasonable number of gems and the like this way. Outside, the humans are searching the dark fortress and killing Asno's former guards. Only three are left alive. Oh, and another kobold managed to sneak into our fortress while we were distracted. It was killed with one bolt from a wrestler. Firm, but fair.

24th Hematite
Despite all the items that were taken to make this mysterious construction, including several wooden logs, a metal bar and enough leather for full torso armour, the peasant produced a single earring, worth 19200. With how much that wasn't worth it, I'm almost wishing we'd just let him go insane.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df117.PNG)
(I like to imagine the peasant now wearing something about the size of a table off their ear.)

28th Hematite
The Tax Collector tells us only a farmer and a swordsman are left alive from the dark fortress, hiding away somewhere. The humans finally leave the tower and start marching southwards, out of the area. Are they serious? They're not even going to come over and say hello, maybe trade a few goods? Ugh, boring, but I suppose it's better than pointy flying death. One by one they vanish from view and Ruins declares the siege over. Nym is holding back tears of relief, and Flint is holding back tears of sadness as the last few leave. Actually, one of them seems to be hobbling rather than marching. I think he was wounded fighting the guards.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df118.PNG)
(Wavyrhyming is a wimpy name, but he'll shoot with a bolt all the same, if not avoid pain. (Yeah, that was lame.))

Once Flint notices the straggler, he grabs his crossbow and charges out with half of the military, determined to get at least ONE kill from the siege. Flint is far away, but twice the human falls briefly unconscious. It's close, but one of the less skilled marksdwarves get there in time, missing half a dozen times before killing him. The human's quiver and bolts are quickly liberated. Kornash demands somebody brings him Asno's sword and a few other bolts and shields from around the area. A few dwarves rush out to get them while Flint stands guard nearby. At least until he gets thirsty, and a handful of camels wander by. Luckily everybody makes it back alive and with a few trophies. THIS time.

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

22nd Malachite
The miners have struck native gold. A valuable find, and a significant amount has been dug out, but with no reliable source of fuel we cannot make any real use of the value. As yet, no water has been located.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df119.PNG)
(But on the other hand, if Fatman ever felt like blue furniture for some reason, Ruins could be all over that.)

24th Galena
The miners have struck silver, equally as nonproductive as gold. More positively is, the mining has located a variety of gems that Nym has cut ready for use, and two additional miners have achieved legendary skill.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df120.PNG)
(I almost want to set up specific, tiny stockpiles to install trafic lights around the fortress.)

9th Limestone
Dwarven merchants and the usual liaison have arrived, bringing several caravans with them. The population is excited at the prospect of long awaited supplies as well as removing much of the functionless clutter from the fortress. I order any idle dwarves to begin bringing out mechanisms, gems, clothing and prepared food. The miners have struck another silver vein, but Ruins has not wasted time digging this one out.

13th Limestone
Several miners have simultaneously emerged to inform everyone that they have found damp stone. Given this information we can deduce the location of the water, but Ruins has decided to wait until after trading and its aftermath is complete before starting the task of carefully directing enough water close to the fortress and constructing a well.

17th Limestone
A (presumably traitor) human has sprung from ambush, followed by a number of goblins. Flint and Ivanor are dispatched as usual. Two invaders are quickly killed by the marksdwarves. The others attempted to enter via southern bridge. One is killed by a trap, and the others hang back nervously until a mechanic attempts to reload it. The goblins and human then charged forward to attack, to be killed by other traps and further crossbow fire. Only two were left alive, one chasing a loose dog north, away from the fortress, and the other stuck inside our channels. Business with the merchants is resumed.

19th Limestone
Two children have been born. It is not encouraging to learn that some dwarves have had enough free time for romance during these last few years. A baby boy was born from a clothier, and a girl from a dyer. It should be a long thirteen years before they can be put to work, although our existing child has managed to reach competency in growing.

20th Limestone
Trading is complete. An abridged version of the events is as follows:

Merchant A: Wat u want. make offer.
The Tax Collector: "DO WANT: Few metal bars, lots of wood, cows/dogs in cages, decent number barrels w/ale, four more picks, bunch of bags (some w/flour etc.), why not some cloth and leather bins, all those hella expensive bolts, couple of spare anvils, all that unprepared meat, and even those four steel enormous corkscrews for good measure.
Merchant A: hahahahaha no
Merchant B: LOL, it's like FOURTY FIVE THOUSAND VALUE!!11!1!eleventyone!!
The Tax Collector: GTG, BRB.
Merchant B: Pfft, noob. >_>
* The Tax Collector is known as The Tax Collector (away)
<snip>
The Tax Collector: Give you 75k for it.
Merchant A: ...
Merchant B: O_O
The Tax Collector: :P
Merchant A: Donedomedonedondonedone!
* Merchant A has left #Trader Depot
Merchant B: kthxbye

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 07, 2008, 06:58:23 pm

- CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: What? -

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

20th Limestone
The moment news of additional supplies spread around the fortress I received a large number of requests for superlative projects. Examples: Ivanor suggested a game of pick up sticks with the bolts, Fatman suggested constructing a wooden tomb to honour Vidar, Nym suggested that we stop killing the dogs and start training them. All were disapproved. Instead, construction has begun on two additional catapults to be positioned to the east of our fortress. The carpenters will practise with them when we have no wood and will be able to attack invaders earlier than our current two. I am also now managing the construction of twenty additional bedrooms in preparation for our next migrant wave.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df121.PNG)
(Paperwork is exciting!)

Unfortunately we cannot construct furniture any further to the east or south [Author's Note: Too close to the edge of the map, although I could still dig there. Justify THAT in nongame terms, I dare you.] so the design will become increasingly inefficient if it needs further expanding. Further gems are being brought up from the mines to be cut, lavish food is being constantly cooked, cloth and even silk production is in progress. Webs have been found in the mines, but their distance makes gathering very, very slow. Despite all the food, some dwarves (the most recent a wrestler with one kobold kill) have been seen eating helmets straight from the field. Strife is impressed, Fatman ... less so.

27th Limestone
Gems have been located during the digging of the new bedrooms, but they are being ignored rather than break the design. One dwarf already has platinum walls. Meanwhile, the food stockpile has been expanded again and a second kitchen and still have been constructed.

We have been ambushed again, by a number of goblins and two humans. Taking into consideration what information the merchants shared, it is assumed the goblins and humans have formed an alliance for the purpose of destroying this and the dark fortress. It is likely the goblins exchanged or promised some significant riches for this, even if our group has long been considered rogue, as Asno was. In this attack several invaders succeeded in passing our first trap cluster, if only by treading a now safe path marked by corpses. The marksdwarves killed them easily. Their weapons and shields are being collected, and the guard dogs replaced.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df122.PNG)
(See, the humans are clever enough to let their ~~meatshilds~~ valued allies go first.)

8th Sandstone
I have mandated the construction of two querns, only to be "mandated in return" that I validate the standing orders. Only once I had done so was I informed we already had two querns in use. Many dwarves have been refusing to other complete orders such a reloading traps, and after some investigation I found a living goblin wrestler inside the channels was worrying them. Pointing out they were in no actual danger did not, unsurprisingly, help. Lady Ruins was forced to dig another access stairway on the outside and some distance away from the goblin (Ruins herself shied away from constructing a walkway to our original exit stairway) before it could be killed and work continued.

16th Sandstone
The merchants have left. Mechanisms are ordered to be mass produced for the next caravans. Ivanor and Syoan were seen racing to get to the workshop first. Ivanor is now constructing them. I have been informed our dining room is insufficient for a population of our size, and I've ordered eighteen more tables and chairs built and installed.

3rd Timber
A clothier was possessed. It is unfortunately indicative of the state of our fortress when such uncontrollable and risky events are now considered commonplace. The end result was a highly decorative bag woven mostly from spider silk, with a single stone image of imperial power. Certain dwarves (particularly Kornash and Syoan, however the later might just enjoy yelling vague dramatics) consider it a prophecy. Lady Ruins has done nothing to discourage this view. It is, of course, nothing but foolishness.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df123.PNG)
(It's really just an ancient aesop. See, there's this dwarf called Granite, and he blames a lost fight on god. God then attacks him with spiders, but Granite survives because he's wearing armour. Then God possesses an unhappy dwarf, who kills him to make an artifact. The moral? Rock falls and everybody dies.)

14th Timber
I ordered the outer bridges closed and the bones from the last attack collected almost two weeks ago, and only a single miller has been seen outside. After a brief investigation into what everybody is DOING, I found a significant portion of the fortress walking into arbitrarily deep locations of the mines to refill our stone stockpile. It is no wonder the beds haven't been completed yet. After a word with Lady Ruins the stockpile is abandoned altogether and the bonecarvers are ordered to begin their usual work. For myself, I have an important meeting to attend with Ivanor that should increase the efficiency in the use of certain resources.

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

17th Timber
Dwarves. Fat. Stupid. Drunk. So drunk it somehow ends back at sober, and they're pretty much screwed when all they have is a river. Violent. Hairy. Oh god, the back hair. And you think I cough up hairballs? Lazy. Ugly. Spiteful. Stupid, since that's worth saying twice. Three times, even. Stupid. Short. But despite everything, you have to love them. Oh wait, that's a lie, no you DON'T. You have to hate them. You have to hate them, and suspect them, and threaten them to get the bastards to do want you want or even stay alive. Did you know most of my precious gems were sold lately? Just what do they expect me to decorate my kitty litter with now? Menacing spikes of oak? I DON'T think so.

And the moment I turn my back to snub Claws? This. This is what happens when you let dwarves idle. I don't think I'll ever understand them.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df124.PNG)
(Ivanor: "HAHAHA! Joke! I got you all so good!" The Tax Collector: "Those ceremonies were legally binding." Ivanor: "... Fuck.")

Enough of this nonsense. It is time for me to start taking an active role in my palace. Apparently, even I cannot rely entirely on slaves. At least not these walking doorstops.

26th Timber
The dwarves have finished constructing another twenty bedrooms, more skillfully crafted and engraved than any others thus far. One even has gem walls for my queen and I. At least, they had BETTER be for my queen and her consort. If any dwarven migrants even think about sleeping in them we shall finally have an answer for whether 2D sprites require depth perception.

Even after the royal chambers are complete, there are over thirty logs remaining on the stockpile. Twenty shall be crafted into barrels and I shall allow ten made into bolts for my bodyguards to practise with. It is amazing how reluctant dwarves are to construct anything lasting out of wood that has been defecated on, heh heh heh.

Now. That wet stone. I will encourage the dwarves to begin digging two levels directly above it. I must be careful, of course. Water is cold and unforgiving as a foe, but controlled as an ally, her slowly engulfing waves are the most amusing of weapons.

1st Moonstone
A metalsmith with one of the new picks has actually started digging, very slowly. Nothing is found, and the stone is dry. In that case, I must dig a single level above the hidden river.

5th Moonstone
After another unacceptable delay, Ruins herself has arrived to dig. However, even directly above the wet stone she finds nothing. This is not as I was informed underground rivers to be. I must find my source and drown him. Or burn him. Which one is more ironic? Screw it, I'll just claw his throat. Ruins, dig around some more.

9th Moonstone
Two DIFFERENT dwarves have run all the way out here to hack out a few squares of stone, and found nothing. Tch, I'll just dig into the wet stone and see where the water leads. I'll need a floodgate up first for safety, though.

27th Moonstone
First a dwarf had to run all the way back to the fortress and all the way back to the mines just to carry the floodgate out here, only for someone ELSE to run out to place it properly. Then it needed to be linked to a lever so Syoan grabbed a mechanism and ran out here at somewhat faster pace, being Unbelievably Agile. At least, until the poor diddums became tired (if you thought he shouted loudly when he was inside the fortress, consider that we heard him no quieter when he was in the other corner of the map) and Ivanor had to start from scratch. Only Ivanor suddenly felt the need to check his chest to make sure The Tax Collector hadn't claimed anything, so an engraver goes out ...

FUCK IT, just dig!

30th Moonstone
...

2nd Opal
ARGH.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df125.PNG)
(The flooding water is hidden from sight underneath heavy stones. HOW DOES THAT WORK.)

Uh oh, ruuuuuun! NO, get a hold of yourself Fluff! Running is for weaklings like Claws, you are a cat of nobility! DWARF! Get those spare floodgates out here NOW. Tch, who am I kidding, with this grid formation digging and the speed of the dwarves they'll never block it off before it starts flooding everywhere. Somebody grab those hatch covers from the top of the main stairway and get them out here, we'll seal off the whole level. Now we know where the water IS (some zigzagging stream with two small waterfalls, one which doesn't seem to come from ANYWHERE), it'll be easy to set up channels and the like elsewhere. So much my silk curtains though. On the upside, there's a dog wandering up here that I'll get to telepathically watch drown some YEARS from now. Water moves "hella slow", as the common cat might say. Maybe if I'm lucky the snakemen will get it.

7th Opal
A kobold thief fled our fortress after seeing the sacrificial dogs tied out the front. I didn't think there WAS anything wimpier than an untrained dog, but there you go. All the idle dwarves crowding the staircase are annoying me. Thankfully their idiocy does have it's benefits - they shall be easily distracted by a worthless statue garden. I mean, there aren't even any GEMS in them, really. How do they party around something that doesn't even sparkle? I'll put it on the same level as the dining hall, to the west of the stairway. There shall be room for twenty one statues spaced out, and the construction shall keep the idlers busy in the meantime.

We seem to have run out of meat. This seems like an appropriate time to cull those damn mutts again. Get cooking, Fatman. Mwahahaha.

21st Opal
Another kobold. It reached the inside of the fort, but was killed by the idle military. Those thieves are becoming something of a running joke among the dwarves, which if recent events are anything to go by means we shall shortly be sieged by them. I wouldn't mind the entertainment, whoever won.

26th Opal
My Idle Dwarf Irritation; Obvious Trouble (IDIOT) Attractor is complete!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df126.PNG)
(Why look, it's crowded alrea- Oh, you tricky engravings, you!)

I suppose I should deal with that water and set up the wells Kornash has been waiting on before he gets it into his head to flood the place himself. What I'd really like to do is set up four multileveled chambers that can pump water around in a circle, then slowly trickle water inside so that the first operator to exhaust drowns, but no matter how hard they peddle they shall never escape their eventual watery grave ... but I don't think Ruins would approve, somehow. Not until we have four dwarf nobles, anyway. I shall be the only noble in this palace, and if takes a ten level fall or Noble VS Caged Goblin arena to ensure that, then so be it.

Where was I? Right, the wells. I'll dig out a room and water storage over here, a few long access tunnels, a pump to empty the water into the channels if needs be ...

3rd Obsidian
A miller has given birth to a "beautiful" baby barfbag boy. Strife organised a party at the statue garden. Guess which order those events REALLY happened in.

18th Obsidian
Well, it's nearly time to fill it up. It was a tiring and frustrating month, but the well system is all but complete. Sure our wood supplies barely covered it, Ruins might have locked herself away behind a floodgate while our only competent mechanics were partying, in retrospect I should have ordered additional leather armour made far earlier than I did, The Tax Collector banned the export of the only two querns have and are using, water in the upper mines hasn't even reached those hatches yet, Fatman bled to death, but the important WAIT WHAT?!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df127.PNG)
(What.)

WHAT?!

WHAAAAAAT?!

WHAT.

What.

... what?

I don't even know.

[Author's Note: No seriously, what.]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Muno syoan on December 07, 2008, 07:58:57 pm

GuhWHAAA?

So, someone really didn't like his book then?

EDIT: Also;
Syoan cancels craft awesome mechanisms that are better than Ivanors': Building liferaft.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Ririka on December 07, 2008, 08:19:20 pm

Noooooooo~!
Fatman! :'(

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Frelock on December 07, 2008, 08:34:51 pm

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on December 07, 2008, 06:58:23 pm

(Ivanor: "HAHAHA! Joke! I got you all so good!" The Tax Collector: "Those ceremonies were legally binding." Ivanor: "... Fuck.")

Awesome, pure awesome... I'm afraid to ask which one's the girl, though.

Sorry to hear about fatman. Where did he die?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 08, 2008, 05:18:09 am

Fatman ~~died~~ was killed while drinking, so he was standing roughly in the middle of the alcohol stockpile. (Whodunnit? Read and find out!*) Since he was one of the plotdwarves, I do have a reasonable excuse to bring him back in the future, but his character is still gone for this fortress.

*Although I still have no idea how it happened.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 08, 2008, 08:44:28 pm

Awesome awesome story

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jamini on December 09, 2008, 09:40:17 am

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on December 08, 2008, 05:18:09 am

Fatman ~~died~~ was killed while drinking, so he was standing roughly in the middle of the alcohol stockpile. (Whodunnit? Read and find out!*) Since he was one of the plotdwarves, I do have a reasonable excuse to bring him back in the future, but his character is still gone for this fortress.

*Although I still have no idea how it happened.

Check the Justice screen.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Glacies on December 09, 2008, 09:54:24 am

I WILL SOLVE THE MURDER GUYS

Thomas(M)/Faith(F)
Detective dwarf

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 09, 2008, 06:04:51 pm

Quote from: Jamini on December 09, 2008, 09:40:17 am

Check the Justice screen.

Aaaaaah ... Right! Friggin' The Tax Collector and his mandates. >_<

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 09, 2008, 07:23:58 pm

- CHAPTER TWENTY THREE: A Demonstration Of Motive -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

18th Obsidian
Once the funeral ceremony had begun it didn't take long for Nym to notice the corpse being entombed was not Fatman's. At this point the vast majority of the mourning dwarves lost interest and resume partying; only Nym, The Tax Collector and Kornash began looking further into the death, for different reasons. They deduced fairly quickly that Fatman must have secretly left with the last dwarven merchants, to start a safer and more peaceful life elsewhere. I knew already, of course, I had helped Fatman away undetected; he had been worried about goblin attacks, or being seen as a deserter. I even gave him back his cookbook under pretense it was recently confiscated from Ivanor. We have no shortage of food or farmers now, but I have a favour to call in should I need it.

I didn't plan for another farmer to take over Fatman's duties, but it was convenient. The migrant was a fanboy of Fatman's and jumped at the chance to strike the earth ... with a plow. He was, however, unskilled in cooking and most of the fortress assume he cut himself with his own knife or something equally stupid. In truth, the few of us that bother to look closer can see this murder. Who by? Flint, bored between ambushes? Does Nym's past harbour darker secrets than I suspected? Mistaken jealousy from Strife? Ah, a mystery to be solved ...

27th Obsidian

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df128.PNG)
(This is what happens when you don't build a barrier between you and the snakes.)

In retrospect, it might have been wise to install (and link to a lever) bars in this tunnel. At the first sign of a fight Flint and his marksdwarves come running, but the snakeman gave up the chase quickly. Locking the door into the tunnel should be sufficient to keep any creatures out. There are already bars installed in the lower tunnel to keep the water in the wells free of such threats.

5th Granite
The wells are complete. There is a small area dug out to the west of the dining room as a supply of water, which can be refilled from the underground river at any time. Three wells are positioned one level above it (north of the food stockpiles). If the well needs to be emptied, a pump can quickly move the water into a short vertical tunnel that emerges into our defensive channels. An access tunnel into the well is also present, and locked when the well is full.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df129.PNG)
(Lucky sevens! ... Yeah, I've got nothing.)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df130.PNG)
(Well, well, well, what do we have here?)

Now that that particular concern has finally been taken care of, sparring can begin. The beds in the barracks are shoved to the side of the room to make space, and Kornash begins recruiting soldiers. In total there will be one using a sword, one using a flail, three with axes and three with spears. All of them will shortly be equipped with leather armour and metal shields. Kornash plans to first teach them wrestling, so they are able to better dodge blows rather than relying on their poor armour. Between sparring, the recruits occasionally wander outside the fortress and into our channels, for some reason. As The Tax Collector is reviewing each of the recruits, something of note comes up.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df131.PNG)
(Syoan: "Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUN!!")

Our fortress guard is corrupt, how ... typical. The Tax Collector demanded an explanation for his records, of course, though the act itself didn't seem to bother him. Kornash calmly explained that he had deduced "Fatman" was an imposter and issued an unintentionally lethal punishment as was his right in the position and without jails. When asked how he knew, Kornash scoffed and said that any REAL member of the fortress would have done their duty to cater to the every whim and mandate of the nobles. The Tax Collector smiled thinly, nodded, and silently went on his way. I warned Kornash that his position was only in the military now, and that we had highly trained marksdwarves ready if he thought to try anything. Nobody bothered to tell Nym.

12th Granite
A marksdwarf has given birth to a girl. An engraver is the father, officially, but Flint is a touch adamant that the child was not his.

15th Granite
We've been ambushed by another small group of goblins and humans. The meleetry has been ordered to stay away from the battle, they are far from experienced enough for live combat. Flint readies the marksdwarves in the crossbow towers as usual. A few seconds later, he spots elves on the horizon. Promisingly, it looks like they're bringing a reasonable amount of wood. A few more seconds later, a marksdwarf on the other tower spots our legendary bonecarver wandering outside in search of bones - right into another ambush. The bonecarver flees, shortly joined by Ivanor and an engraver who were also busy by the outer traps. Naturally, they run outside of the bridge and away from the fortress. Flint rushes downstairs to chase the invaders in turn. The invaders close in on the fleeing dwarves, only to be distracted by a muskox calf currently acting as our intruder alarm system. Flint catches up and rapid fires them to death. Ivanor and the others sheepishly make their way back inside.

In the aftermath, I can't help but notice one of our new recruits vomiting outside, which ... not overly encouraging. I'll deconstruct the roof above the entrance (which should keep dwarves used to the sun while hauling stones or trade goods outside) and warn Kornash to station the meleetry outside every so often to keep them accustomed to it.

18th Granite
A wrestler has given birth to a girl, and insists on carrying her around everywhere. To keep her safe. While she's sparring. Hmm. I suppose it can't end any worse than the the eight dwarves that are simultaneously deconstructing floor at the moment.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df132.PNG)
(I'm not sure how, but sadly all the dwarves DID finish their jobs and get down safely.)

21st Granite
You might remember when I said the elves were bringing a promising amount of wood? As it turns out, aside from a few berries, that was ALL they brought. Well, at least they know what they're good for. We quickly bring out two masterwork totems to trade for the thirty or so logs. I haven't yet decided what to do with them, so they rest in the stockpile for the moment. I've warned the carpenters to keep an eye out for my cat, it caused some ... problems with the last delivery.

28th Granite
While the meleetry train, a new project has been undertaken to occupy the rest of the dwarves, in construction and for entertainment when it is complete. What could be more entertaining, after all, than watching undesirable dwarves being dropped down a ten level pit or suddenly be set upon by angry goblins while sleeping? The project, For Unity Carefully Kill (FUCK) Nobles has been mostly designed by Ivanor, with Syoan helping and directing dwarves. Flint has promised to help catch and dispose of any hostiles when finished. Nym has reluctantly agreed to construct gem windows so idle dwarves can watch the show. The basic premise is that nobles are presented with an expensive and pleasing bedroom, only to find their entrance blocked and caged hostiles released. Alternatively, the nobles and hostiles can be dumped ten levels down through a trapdoor in the centre of the room.

It is an ... impressive design, without The Tax Collector or I aiding them. The Tax Collector was less impressed when a miner hacked apart one of his masterpiece engravings to dig out the room, but he remained calm.

2nd Slate
The initial digging for the Bedroom Of DOOM! (as Syoan insists on calling it, roughly five times a minute) and viewing chamber are complete. Idle dwarves are dumping stone from the room, and various remains from invaders away from the outer traps. I've had the outer bridges closed as a precaution while that many dwarves are exposed outside. Once the traps are clear they'll be dismantled and replaced with three cage traps just inside of each bridge to catch invaders for the Bedroom Of DOOM!. The elves might be annoyed when they want to leave, but they can wait.

7th Slate
Ivanor and a few others are installing the new traps now. Floodgates are being used to seal the Bedroom Of DOOM! and will take a while to hook up to the levers outside. Ivanor used his artifact mechanism for the lockdown lever, naturally. Nym is one green gem short of the perfect traffic light pattern, but continued with the construction anyway. The new areas are being smoothed too, but Ivanor doesn't want engravings to distract from the entertainment. The Tax Collector would refuse to engrave masterpiece ones anyway; he even went as far as to request in person I banned the project. He knew I wouldn't, but we must both keep up appearances. Unlike the outside of our fortress, which is happy to be splattered in trails vomit from hauling dwarves.

18th Slate
A metalsmith has withdrawn from society. Among other things, he's muttering about rough gems. I leave Ivanor to his own devices and take a few miners to search deep underground, this time much closer to the fortress.

4th Felsite
... Ah, isn't it always that you cannot find these things when you need them? Nym reminded us there were still several gems visible from one of the unoccupied bedrooms, but The Tax Collector might have stroke if we dared ruin the perfectly designed chambers, and he is of more use to us than a metalsmith right now.

Did I say unoccupied? I spoke to soon, another wave of migrants are approaching the fortress. Leading them is, of all dwarves, a Dungeon Master (or Mistress?). I've met a few Dungeon Masters before, and they are among the few nobles who will actually perform certain labors within a fortress. An improvement on barons, perhaps, but a true noble must be willing to toil as others to exert any kind of control. As it is, the Dungeon Master has no skills or abilities we require. In a both pleasant and ominous change, Syoan has stopped shouting to everyone about the progress and nature of the Bedroom Of DOOM!.

The other migrants were uninteresting to anyone but The Tax Collector, although they did seem to overestimate how much wood we needed burned (not enough for three workshops, I suspect). Interestingly, The Tax Collector appointed an unwilling Strife to record their details, subtly keeping himself out of sight from this group. Now why ever would someone in as high a position as he wish to avoid the gaze of other nobles, hmm?

Several children arrived, as eager for the conflict here as any full grown dwarf. Innocence? Ha. There shall be many idlers in coming months. Two migrants each were recruited under Flint and Kornash, and more bolts for training are being made out of most of the wood. A kitten arrived, but another male. The fortress population is now eighty eight. The Tax Collector has announced via Syoan that the fortress has now reached its maximum efficient capacity, and suggested any further migrants be turned away or otherwise dealt with. Needless to say, the Bedroom Of DOOM! Was on everybody's minds as the migrants began unpacking. A few miners have begun testing digging methods underneath the fortress to find the most efficient way of the digging the pit.

11th Felsite
A ranger has fallen unconscious while hunting. I wasn't aware there WERE any rangers hunting, but it seems one of the latest migrants went about the job without instruction. Or a weapon. Shortly after, natural selection did it's work.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df133.PNG)
(But on the upside, he REALLY hurt that camel's right front leg! Yeah!)

14th Felsite
The miners have located two clusters of raw gems, and the metalsmith began his construction. The end result was a highly decorative mace worth over 150 000 value.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df134.PNG)
(So ... shiny ...)

Unfortunately, nobody has yet figured out a method of digging that will allow the construction of the deep pit without a number of useless paths to the side. The fundamental problem is that they are unable to dig out an up/down stairway into merely a down stairway while standing on it. Meanwhile one of the meleetry has reached elite status in wrestling, and is refusing to be ordered by Kornash. I believe it may be time to start training our recruits with weapons. Most of the meleetry take up their weapon of choice and begin sparring as normal, if perhaps less frequently than before, but Kornash still continued to fail at picking up a sword from the stockpile, running back and forth between it and the stairs. Clearly, Asno's sword is far too awesome for Kornash to handle. That, or Fatman's original guess at a mental disorder was correct. After some general frustration on everyone's behalf, Kornash opted to continue sparring barehanded.

11th Hematite
The Tax Collector has noticed the gem windows for viewing the Bedroom Of DOOM! are slightly off from their intended position, and despite his disinterest in the FUCK Nobles project has ordered Nym to deconstruct and rebuild them to the west. Disappointingly, the new gems since dug out aren't even the right colour to fix the pattern up. Meanwhile, the miners have discovered it is possible to channel an up/down stairs while standing on them. With some degree of micromanaging on my behalf, the pit is now being dug from the bottom up.

I expected no reluctance, but cheery choruses of "Hi ho hi ho" were beyond even my expectations. They sicken me, these miners willing to plan the cold blooded murder of a fellow dwarf merely for his status and situational non-necessity. This pit we call a fortress has truly brought out the worst in these dwarves. Bastard is too soft a word for what lingers in all their hearts. This is more than corruption, they CHOSE to live here, to be part of this. When everything else is in danger all that is left, all that defines us from those other short, fat men, is this hatred we call "dwarf".

This is what I see here, every moment of every day. This is what The Tax Collector records, what Nym observes, what Ivanor laughs at, what Syoan screams, what Flint embodies, what Strife protects, what Kornash follows, what Fatman denied, what Vidar died for, what Kragus tried to summon every day never realising the true demons were already free. This is what right here and now, the world shall see.

The enemy have come. Fourty eight humans atop horses, to see the enemy already here.

The outcome barely matters. I have other favours, and I will not die here ... yet. It is my intention to some day soon become the last dwarf alive in the world.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 10, 2008, 08:32:16 am

- CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR: I Just Can't Have Enough Death! -

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

11th Hematite
Kornash has reached elite level now, and has again resumed leadership over ALL the meleetry. This is beneficial, if only to save time when issuing orders to the group. My skill in ordering is such that time is effectively paused in any case, but nevertheless, one cannot be too cautious. The meleetry is still unskilled in using weapons, and will be kept inside to train unless required as a last ditch defence against the humans siege. The humans are waiting to the west and north, keeping our valuable trade lines blocked, but not yet attacking. Our catapults are readied and marksdwarves on duty waiting for them to make a move.

[Author's Note: I couldn't think of any good way to fit this fantasy sequence into the narrative, and at this point it's impossible for ANOTHER reason, but here it is anyway!]

Syoan: "THE HATCHES CAN'T HOLD THE WATER PRESSURE! THE MINES HAVE BURST, AND THE BEDROOMS ARE FLOODING!"
Fatman: "Oh god oh god oh god the water is everywhere! My drafts are going to be soaked and ruined - and we're all going to drown!"
Flint: "If only we had someway to quickly move, even push or pump, all this water upwards and safely outside ..."
Kornash appears in a flash of light and cracks his knuckles, -Pig tail robe- blowing dramatically.
Kornash: "Stand back, ladies."
Nym: "Our hero!" *Soon*

15th Hematite
While our military prepares, construction continues underground. Nym has been quietly informing me of the FUCK Noble's progress. Such plans are a detestable waste of resources, but it may be worth tolerating if it keeps morale of the living dwarves high during the siege. ~~And it is to my own benefit that the Dungeon Master is killed before she recognises me, or rather, doesn't.~~ Nine hatches are being installed over the hole, which will take some time to connect to the same lever.

17th Hematite
The hatches are being removed; Ivanor discovered hatches did not work quite the way he thought they did. Neither do grates, or a number of other covers. Instead a single retracting bridge is being built over the space. The results from the latest mayoral election are back, and the "winner" was a useless peasant. An intelligent decision given the current project, although the power of mandates in the hands of an idiot migrant is worrying.

18th Hematite
There has been a ... slight problem with removing hatches constructed over the pit. A legendary miner, planter and mechanic died in the accident. None of them were overly known names. Several dwarves were heard laughing over the loss, and the accident has become something of a joke.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df135.PNG)
(They died after "colliding with an obstacle" ie. the ground. So, um, at least we know the pit works. ;))

20th Hematite
A single squad of humans are approaching our fortress, no doubt testing our defences. The catapults were ordered fired, but Ivanor fled from the approaching army after only a few boulders were launched. None were a hit. It seems the time spent practising, as well as the valuable wood logs used in construction, were a wasted investment. The humans backed away slightly after the last boulder landed near them, but continued forward a moment later. Our marksdwarves were noticeably absent. Instead of defending our fortress, Flint was caught getting drunk inside. Command was given to the next marksdwarf in line, only to find they were sleeping. Command was given to the third in line, and newly dubbed Ropes of Burning advanced.

The humans reached the northen trap cluster before the marksdwarves were ready, and three horses were caught in the cage traps. Civilians were banned from going outside to avoid the idiots trying to reload the traps now. A few shots are fired at the humans, who scatter and back off just our of range again. Only one was killed.

1st Malachite
The outer bridges are closed and civilians have been ordered to reload the traps and clean up some of the refuse outside. At first they couldn't quite make it to the trap cluster without the humans scaring them off, but shortly after the humans retreated further for an unknown reason. The cages horses were quickly taken inside under a cloth cover, presumably for the Bedroom Of DOOM!. Two wrestlers who were wandering into out channels have been trapped outside to the south of the fortress. No humans have spotted them, but Flint was heard pleading with an idle Strife to loudly inform them. He did not, but was clearly torn between keeping them healthy, and having them dead for their idiocy. If I weren't busy with stockpile records I would be inclined towards making tactical use of the later.

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

19th Malachite
Are those WUSSY humans going to attack or not? They're just standing around the place wasting time like it was going out of fashion. (AHAHAHAHA, oh god no.) My palace is stinking again, those useless dwarves are refusing to take my rodent corpses outside for some reason. I've started throwing him in ale barrels and if that doesn't encourage them to take the four steps outside to the refuse pile then I'll use them to lure the snakemen into the fortress and we'll see which way they run THEN.

On a more positive note, my execution chamber is nearly complete! All that's left is for Ruins to finish a few furnishings and I can begin having any dwarves not following my orders put to death. Or should that be, pit to death? (No, that was an awful pun, I'll stick with put.) Speaking of death ... you know what? Those useless mutts still wandering about the place, kill them. ALL of them. If they're not pets (tch, it's tempting to dump their owners in the pit), they're dead. My marksdwarves need all the bolts they can get right now, and there are enough muskox and even cows to breed for later. Oh, and a child has been possessed. It took over one of the crafts workshops is muttering cutely about "rough ... colour". Don't care! Nobody is mining until that child snaps. If the idlers are anything to go by, I have FAR more servants than I need to keep alive.

24th Malachite
The Bedroom Of DOOM! is complete! Oh Dungeon Master, your sleeping quarters are ready ... ! Mwahahahaha.

Ah, and I actually have an axedwarf now. That just leaves nine wrestlers fumbling with weapons. Ten if you count the one under Flint who IS carrying around a crossbow and wasting bolts, no doubt.

28th Malachite
Our new mayor has mandated that no silk items be exported. You'd better remove that mandate before the next dwarven caravans come, or YOU'LL be next in the pit, peasant!

3rd Galena
The Dungeon Master has entered her bedroom, it's showtime! Somebody with opposable thumbs GET AROUND THERE and lock the room down so NO NOT YOU, DM! Damn it! Now she's back in the statue room. Tch, whose face do I have to scratch to get anyone killed around here?

5th Galena
GOT HER! MWAhahahaHA!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df136.PNG)
(This was SO worth the time, effort and also risk of temporarily ignoring the massive army outside.)

RELEASE THE HOUNDS! I mean, THE HORSES! KILL THE HOUNDS, RELEASE THE HORSES! The DM runs wildly over the room for a while, hopelessly searching for a way out. The horses sort of wander slowly around the room. One of the horses bumps into the DM and attacks! The DM get a moderate injury on her right upper arm and a few other scratches, and is now in pain. The DM breaks away and starts running wildly again. This repeats a few times, her injuries increasing slightly faster than she recovers from them. Oh, this is the greatest thing to watch ever. Fluffy has mandated the construction of 3 buttered popcorns. Even The Tax Collector briefly came over a few times to glance in the gem windows.

After a while one of the horses is enraged! It charges up to the DM and swiftly kicks the CRAP out of her. The DM is knocked unconscious (although still in extreme pain) with bad wounds on her upper body and left upper arm, and a hilarious number of minor to moderate wounds elsewhere. The horse calms down and wanders off, it doesn't seem to want to finish her off. Tch, a pity the DM did not fall on the trap door, either. Somehow she's still been "happy lately" too. That's messed up, and that's coming from ME.

11th Galena
It seems those pesky humans are back. I'm pretty sure they're the same squad that approached us before. They valiantly charge (well, except for those whose horses are now wandering the Bedroom Of DOOM!, they're kind of jogging behind looking pissed), only to turn away again after a few dozen bolts fly. A few were killed, and another one or two were wounded enough to flee the area altogether. The rest retreat back to join the other waiting squads. WIMPS.

17th Galena
My bodyguards now include a third elite wrestler. That's great! Except he IS holding a spear and is SUPPOSED to be training with that. Is it so freaking hard? Poke the stabby end at what you want to die. And more to the point, when are those bloody humans going to attack again so I have an excuse to throw the whole useless meleetry out to their deaths? Ugh. Out of boredom more than anything else I encourage an idle dwarf to fetch a dagger by the north outer trap cluster. It only manages to lure ONE of the humans back into crossbow range, and the marksdwarves must have wasted well over a dozen bolts just killing that one horseless human. I'll have most of our wood crafted into bolts, just in case. Just in case I need a toothpick or back scratcher, that is.

1st Limestone
Some stockpile organising, BLAGH. And The Tax Collector enjoys this?! No, I don't know what he's doing now, either. He must have finished the stockpile records by now, so I don't know what he's supposed to be writing. Anyway, as a reward, I've encouraged Nym to decorate my palace's furniture with the gems left over from the execution chambers. I kind of need to make it up to my eyes after having accidentally caught a glimpse of a dwarf giving birth. It was SO VERY VERY HORRIBLE. Ruins really needs to start issuing condoms. Or arbitrarily executing dwarves in loving relationships, as a precaution. I'd start right now with that mother dyer, but the Dungeon Master is still lying unconscious among the pissed off horses. FINISH HER, useless mount. Yes, that was directed towards the dyer.

10th Limestone
Another wrestler has reached elite level. Damn it dwarves, I gave you weapons, USE THEM or I'm taking your armour and sending you out exploring. At least that child with the strange mood has finally achieved a perfectly normal mood; insanity. At this point it might as well be dead, and if anything it's more satisfying to see it run around babbling. The miners have started digging out a large rectangular area in the mines. For no particular reason, they're just bored and some of the newer miners could use the experience. At this rate I'll need their picks to defend the fortress after the marksdwarves run out of ammo and the meleetry try and karate chop a knight. Actually, that sounds pretty fun. Maybe I'll send the miners out FIRST.

Ha. And to think of Ruins, imagining nobody is watching, darkly brooding on death within her quarters. Maybe she doesn't like what dwarves have done here, and yeah they might be idiots, but how can she be so sure, with a great evil power hidden nearby and the likes of I stalking the halls (naturally) that any darkness truly causing this was a DWARF?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jamini on December 10, 2008, 10:06:27 pm

I have this strange desire to kill this cat.

~~In magma.~~
By drowning it, then encasing it in magma, then digging out the magma and dumping the obsidian-encased bones into a chasm.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Boksi on December 11, 2008, 04:25:05 pm

Just so you know:

To wield a longsword, a dwarf must use both hands. To use both hands, he must be set to use two weapons.

To dig a pit downwards, I recommend ramps. Ramp the uppermost z-level, then the level below that, and so on.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 11, 2008, 05:52:55 pm

Quote from: Boksi on December 11, 2008, 04:25:05 pm

To wield a longsword, a dwarf must use both hands. To use both hands, he must be set to use two weapons.

...

*checks*

...

YOU are my new favourite commenter. :D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 12, 2008, 07:18:21 am

- CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE: You Get To Live -

A Week In The Life Of: Mebzuth Itdunmorul, Dungeon Master

21st Limestone
There are ... voices. Finally, after so long alone struggling to shield myself from those horses there are dwarven voices coming closer. Everything is blurry, but I can make out short, fuzzy faces. Or maybe those chairs are growing mold, it's hard to tell ...

Somebody is speaking ... softly, muttering about sparring and boredom. Gates are opening. The horses are finally leaving me alone with my pain. The dwarves collide with the horses. Their attacks are almost ... graceful. Two horses are dead on the ground. There are screams from outside, the statue garden, then sighs of relief after a thump of a large, dead body.

Another dwarf, leaning over me. I can make out a kind face, and hear whisperings. Oh god the room is shifting it ... no ... it stops and I find myself resting atop the bed. Beds ... Yes. I must have a bed in my office, I demand it! ... They aren't listening, taking away red chunks the horses left. I can hear the laughter of a party. Two dwarves are talking by my bed, of numbers. Thirty two invaders alive, waiting. Coffins. They're making coffins. NO, I will not perish so easily, I just need rest ...

24th Limestone
The fortress is ... quiet. I barely hear any movement, not even talking. Everybody is still, maybe watching something. I don't know what. Maybe they're dead. Maybe I'm dead. Maybe a titan has arrived on the battlefield and is chasing and killing humans around the place without any more injuries than a minor wound on its right leg. Hypothetically ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df137.PNG)
(It is both relevant and important that the first and fifth toes on the Titan's right foot remain clean.)

27th Limestone
I hear partying again. Louder than ever, my head aches. I can faintly hear two dwarves yelling that the siege is over. The humans have fled from the titan, leaving the fortress untouched. The titan itself doesn't attack, just stands around some distance away from the fortress. I guess something wanted these dwarves to live. Some divine power, or just lady luck ... or something darker, wanting us for themselves. We are not attacked, but nobody will be trying to leave any time soon ... I can't even leave this bed, and nobody will take my warnings seriously while I sicken ...

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

5th Sandstone
Nothing. A few justified bolts. A crumbled tower, and no evidence to its destruction. Before the humans fled, that is all they saw. Ah ... DAMN IT!

Ahem. A minor setback, there will be other chances. The titan outside is worrying, but Flint's marksdwarves remain on duty and even a beast of that size will fall given enough pinpricks and trapped pebbles. Even the meleetry might stand a chance, Kornash has reached legendary champion status, and there are several more elite wrestlers among his squad, even if they can't use weapons to save their lives. The Dungeon Master is resting badly wounded in the Bedroom Of DOOM! and only when she begins to thirst do I find we have no spare buckets. Two are quickly made and used; we have only a single wood log left now.

8th Sandstone
I'm not entirely sure how and I certainly don't know WHY but Ivanor and The Tax Collector have had a baby girl. The whole fortress is kind of awkward around them now, although nowhere near as much as they are each other. They seem conflicted on a name. The Tax Collector calls her "his little labor investment" while Ivanor calls her "widdle hiwawious bodily fluids maker". Never before have I been so convinced that dwarves are just WRONG.

23rd Sandstone
Although The Tax Collector is adamant there are five puppies still alive, no dwarves have been able to chain them out the front of our fortress. After some searching I've figured out why; they're paddling around with their mother in the flooded mine level. Even the dogs here don't seem to die easily when they put their minds to it. Muskox calves are used instead. In what has all the appearance of a dramatic and symbolic statement, but I suspect is probably no more than a sign of frustration, the meleetry has thrown their weapons aside and sworn to fight only barehanded. Most of them are elite wrestlers by now, anyway. The mad child who was possessed finally died today after a long struggle, bringing some peace to the workshops he was babbling around. Syoan was just glad the only nonsense being yelled now was factual and irrelevant rather than the babblings of some demon.

2nd Timber
One of my legendary miners have been possessed. Unlike the child, he is too valuable to let a demon take. The miner claimed a mason's workshop and, among a large number of other items, needed rough gems. The Tax Collector protested, but to hell with him. The miners are under my protection, and they're hacking apart a sleeping chamber to get the gems out. Meng Amkinezum, farmer, will not complain about a larger room, I'm sure.

9th Timber

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df138.PNG)
(All those spikes make it PERFECT for ... uh ... holding your donuts.)

Well, its certainly thematic. Except for the rainbow trout, I'm not sure what that's supposed to indicate. Hmm, maybe Flint is a repressed homosexual. I almost wish Vidar were still alive to make some comment about him practising shooting his wood, right now. Anyway, I hope merchants arrive soon, we're entirely out of logs.

20th Timber
One dwarf has been standing in the same spot for almost a week now, just watching the Dungeon Master sleep. It is somewhat creepy. Elsewhere in the fortress, two more wrestlers have become champions.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df139.PNG)
(He's a novice pacifier because all those baby dwarves keep attacking his toes. With their mouths.)

23rd Timber
The large rectangle underneath the fortress has been entirely dug out, all 2852 squares of it. With all the practise, I can only presume the equally large area now designated one level underneath shall be dug out even faster. Speaking of practise, two more wrestlers have become champions. Kornash is itching for a fight, but the titan still isn't attacking, and I fear sending the meleetry out to it would only end with most of them dead.

5th Moonstone
The titan's presence is bothering me. It may be harmless to us outside, but if merchants arrive I fear they would be torn to pieces. I would certainly not complain about looting their remains but the last thing we need is the elves attacking us too, and we'd still have to deal with the titan to fetch anything. Instead, in the interests of making this fortress more self sufficient, I have begun the construction of a tower cap farm. We already have a safe water source that feeds the well, so I'll have an area dug out for irrigation near there, accessible from the dining hall. A 20 by 40 area to begin with, which may be expanded in future years depending on how many caps grow.

9th Moonstone
A vile force of darkness has arrived. Goblins. Hmm, I wonder if the titan will attack them too. I'll check with Flint to see how close the beast is at the WHAT DO YOU MEAN you're shooting at it right now?! Why wasn't I informed?! Somebody close the outer bridge before it gets in the fortress! ... Ah, the bridge retracts just in time to keep it out. The titan might have been squashed into one of the cage traps, but it might also have sidestepped them and shrugged of the weaker traps. Look at the beast, nobody has even scratched it! Stop wasting bolts and get back inside.

Ugh, of course one of the marksdwarves keep firing anyway. After a few shots one bolt actually lightly wounds the beast's lower left leg. The dwarf cheers and then runs downstairs after the others and ... screw it, change of plans. OPEN FIRE! ... Ah, it's barely wounded but somebody managed to knock it unconscious! How close are those goblins? Still a reasonable distance? Good, Kornash, assemble the meleetry. When I give the word we'll open the bridge and you charge it, Flint giving covering fire. Ready? ... NOW!

... What do you mean it's already dead? A minutes ago it did have any worse than scratches and a single light wound, there's no way anyone could have ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df140.PNG)
(Kornash: "Lucky shot.")

Hmm. Well. Return to sparring.

10th Opal
The tower cap farm has been dug, stone dumped elsewhere, floodgates hooked up and all that is left is pull two levers to seal the room and begin irrigating it. Outside of the fortress, the goblins are still not attacking. Given this siege seems to consist only of fifteen goblins, and only the two late joiners to the meleetry have not reached champion status, an attack is being readied. We would like out supply lines open at some point, even if the peasant mayor has mandated not to export the silk we managed to collect. Again, after ending the first mandate sometime while the titan was at large.

The water is gushing towards our farm. The meleetry is rushing somewhat haphazardly towards our foes. All we can do now is wait.

And now, it's time for ...
What Would Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Do?

Leave everyone on a cliffhanger because the author was momentarily bored with writing this feeble attempt at serious drama! Mwahahahaha!

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

12th Opal
I don't think so.

Ahem, you'll have to excuse me, it's a little frustrating when my ten strong warriors were accidentally stationed too close to the goblins and then continued running into battle at that location one by one rather than first group at their new station further back. And then one of the wrestlers decided to pick a fight with a camel instead. Luckily the fastest three wrestlers arrived together (four, if you count the baby) and attack the waiting goblins. The dwarves group up together and enter trances as the goblins surround them. They're over-exerted very quickly, but maim and kill a few goblins before the one of the champions is struck down. Apparently it is harder to ninja goblins when you are carrying a bawling baby. The baby was also killed. Two more wrestlers arrive and enter the fray, turning the fight back on the goblins. Soon enough the siege is broken and the surviving goblins flee.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df141.PNG)
(Offscreen, the true battle rages between a tired wrestler and a fleeing camel.)

Kornash never even made it to the battlefield, but took all credit as the trainer. The meleetry headed home and a party was thrown at the microline statue. That was most likely coincidence given there seems to ALWAYS be at least half a dozen dwarves attending parties. One of our two legendary weaponsmiths were recruited as a replacement for the fallen wrestler (but not the baby) and has begun sparring. Kornash finally claimed Asno's powerful blade as a reward for the victory, although worryingly he had to pause for a moment before recalling which end to pick up. Let us hope his skill improves quickly from here. It was at this point Ivanor realised in all the excitement he had the left the tap running. Fortunately, there is not too much water in the farm that it will not still slowly dehydrate.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df142.PNG)
(Replace the 2s with 0s and you have binary code for ... something.)

18th Opal
In an attempt to allow faster removal of water from the farm, Ivanor attempted to set up an extra pump connected to the well's draining system. Without any pipes to make it, or wood to make the pipes, he tried deconstructing a catapult. This left only the catapult parts, and was no help. [Author's Note: There is enough charcoal and ore for a metal pipe but I kind of only just remembered that.] The process did, however, give Ivanor the idea of using the catapults on the other side of the fort to attack invaders without scaring the operators. It ... should work, if with a much more limited angle of attack. Nym did notice a young tower cap already growing in the well, which could be emptied and used when it is fully grown. Hopefully we will have merchants long before that becomes necessary.

4th Obsidian
After her happy thoughts faded while her injuries did not, the Dungeon Master has become stricken by melancholy. She rose from her bed and staggered a few steps before collapsing again. When she later staggered onto the trap door Nym tried to put her out of her misery by opening it. The Dungeon Master rolled away painfully just before it opened. Distraught, Nym tried several more times only to see the Dungeon Master leap some distance out of the way each time it opened. No dwarf has ever recovered from her state, but she clings to life nevertheless. The Dungeon Master was never really a part of what happened here, just being the unlucky first victim to what evil lurks here. It is ... a shame she will die so soon.

12th Obsidian
Nym was taken by a fey mood. It didn't take long for her to produce "Onerages, the Blunt Pelts", a green tourmaline armour stand that is remarkably unremarkable (hmm) compared to our other artifacts. It was placed in the Bedroom Of DOOM!. One of the miners has heard garbled barking from the flooded mine level recently; the dog long trapped there is still alive and seemingly capable of breathing underwater, but three puppies it gave birth to quickly drowned together. Speaking of water, almost all of the water has dehydrated from the tower cap farm. There are some shrubs and young plants, but enough for any significant use. If no more begin growing by the time those are ready to cut down, I will greatly expand the farm, and dig several other flooding points.

21st Obsidian
THE DUNGEON MASTER LIVES.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df143.PNG)
(Forever in our hearts, and also in this cage)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 12, 2008, 07:29:59 am

Incidentally, the next chapter might not be done for a few days longer than usual. Honestly, I'm getting tired of writing this pretty poor attempt at drama and themes and ugh. I'll probably only do two more chapters for this fortress; C.26 with the last bit of plot and some kind of time skip montage thing, then C.27 when I find the HFS. (And C.28 as aftermath if actually, you know, survive it.)

The next fortress and two new plotdwarves are much less serious.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Glacies on December 12, 2008, 07:37:47 am

Uh, the dungeon master only wants rooms. They don't make mandates, and they do some metalwork. Why are you killing yours?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 12, 2008, 08:43:23 am

Quote from: Glacies on December 12, 2008, 07:37:47 am

Uh, the dungeon master only wants rooms. They don't make mandates, and they do some metalwork. Why are you killing yours?

I don't need her, and it's more fun this way. ;)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jamini on December 12, 2008, 12:42:02 pm

Ooh, I made an artifact!

Could you place it somewhere EPIC before we all die? Like in a 5 story tower with a kennels on the floor below it, or something?

...

Right, just ignore me.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 13, 2008, 07:20:25 am

This probably doesn't count as epic, but it's not like my dwarves had anything better to do while they waited for their trees to grow. (... God, what are they, ELVES now?)

(http://nameless.frihost.net/images/dwarf/df144.PNG)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Flintus10 on December 13, 2008, 07:59:30 am

Ahhh The merchant of Death has struck down a titan I am very pleased with how Flint is doing ;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Jamini on December 13, 2008, 08:30:23 pm

The armor rack in the middle to make it a Barracks?

Truly dwarven!

By the way, if any of the engravings annoy you (like they do me) it is possible to toggle them with D(esignate) -> V(toggle engra(v)ings). It's instantaneous and can make certain rooms look so much better. :3

Before:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v115/Forrt191/Before.png)
After
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v115/Forrt191/After.png)

... Ignore the one engraving of a werewolf I missed in the top-right. It's one of my favorites, it's of a werewolf mauling one of my founding dwarves (who is STILL alive sans an arm and leg)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 14, 2008, 08:20:53 pm

- CHAPTER TWENTY SIX: Waiting For Trees -

The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness Is Watching ...

Spring
The dwarves have been busy, mostly focusing on the towercap farm. They were disappointed by the number flourishing, and out of impatience decided to expand the farm. Their new goal is an only slightly less feeble 70 by 40 area. When digging out the area the miners attempted to avoid the young plants by following a high priority path around the outside, but in their foolishness still crushed a number after dozens of haulers (and their uninformed pets) began clearing the area of stone. They have displayed some degree of caution by installing a pump to empty the farm if required, smelted from galena.

The dwarf "Syoan" has further demonstrated his pedantry, not only by screaming that the miners had struck mica again, but by announcing a carpenter had canceled eating once their food had been lost or destroyed.

The Site was visited twice this season; once by elves. The dwarves accepted their delivery of wood and paid using skull totems. The wood was used equally in carving barrels, bins and arrows. The second arrival was another titan; Lema Insightdusks the Oracular Prophecy. Delightfully ominous. The dwarves are currently ignoring it. There was one mood this season; a wood burner who used a great many items to produce a mere toy. There were two deaths this season; a dog sealed away in the mines finally drowned, and in the final few days their Dungeon Master starved to death while held captive. "Strife" was unimpressed that dwarves do not gain the same apparent immortality granted to animals in cages.

Summer
The dwarves completed and irrigated their expanded towercap farm, and shortly began another project. It is incomplete, the area not yet cleared of stone, but we know of its nature; a decorative shrine to an artifact of "Nym". An armour stand. How symbolic, for it is foretold we shall all be making a stand against the Site too soon. The dwarves are eager for a fight, but even Flint has grown unhappy from a long period on duty. The dwarves relieved him for a time, but decided to save even their weaker ammo for future use. Limited stockpiles and the dumping of wood meant they were often not as careful when it came to saving crops from withering.

Several dwarves have been stricken from possible inductees this season. Despite some time off duty "Kornash" remains dabbling at swordplay. "Ivanor" had a second child with The Tax Collector which, ugh, there are some things not even We wish to think of. The peasant mayor who usurped The Tax Collector showed weakness by ending his export mandate the moment merchants were seen. Later, The Tax Collector was reelected.

The Site was visited once this season; human caravans thought to trade, but were stopped by the titan. The titan attacked, easily killing the guards while the caravans themselves escaped. Only recently the humans sieged the Site; opinions on the dwarves are yet divided, it appears. There was one mood this season; a farmer, who demanded rough gems, metal bars and silk. Several dwarves ventured outside to dig into a visible gem cluster away from the fortress, the remaining wood was used as fuel to produce the metal, and a long tunnel was dug from the workshops to an unflooded part of their mines now full of the webs.

There were two deaths this season; both wrestlers who were wandering outside when the titan attacked. Before dying they succeeded only in enraging the megabeast. Their military was readied, but the titan stumbled into a cage trap before battle began. It is now being held under disturbingly loose guard in their workplace stockpiles.

Autumn
Little of interest occurred at the Site. The Tax Collector mandated the construction of nickel silver items, but was ignored. Without jails or any enforcers, the fish cleaner apparently deemed responsible will never be punished.

The Site was visited twice this season; once by dwarven merchants and once by a goblin snatcher. Both were ignored and left. There were no moods this season, although the farmer only finished his early this season. A decorative galena bracelet was produced. There were no deaths this season.

Winter
The latest project of the dwarves was almost completed. Once all the stone was removed, the entire area was smoothed. Afterwards, walls were constructed to spell out a dwarven (ie. crude) message. The area was then further engraved. With several very skilled stone detailers working, "Syoan" was forced to admit defeat in announcing every individual masterpiece. ("MASTERPIECE ENGRAVING!", later, "Another Masterpiece engraving!", later, "master *cough* piece eng ... engr ... engraving *hack*") Some time into this stage it was decided the walls were not visible enough. The dwarves deconstructed them and rebuilt with olivine dug out and stockpiled, originating from nearby their execution chamber.

The Site was not visited this season. There was one mood this season; a planter, who demanded wood. The farm was briefly opened to cut down the first few growing trees. A toy boat was eventually produced. There were no deaths this season.

[Authors Note: It is A Fact that Everything Is More dramatic and ominous when You capitalise random terms.]

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

17th Granite
Elven merchants have arrived again. Ruins ignores them. Gah, couldn't we catch them in cages or drop the roof on them or SOMETHING? This last year has been so boring. I suppose the dwarves have kept my palace running somewhat well, even if they waste their efforts decorating some useless armour stand. Really, Kornash doesn't even spar down there when it's so far away from food and beds. What was the POINT of it again?

23rd Granite
Fey mood. Brewer. Trustprince the dog bone greaves. YAWN.

12th Slate
Finally, something interesting is happening! And by interesting, I mean another twenty or so migrants have arrived to be housed in my palace. And by housed in my palace I mean thrown into the Bedroom Of DOOM! and dumped into the pit because Ruins warned them that we were already full with idle dwarves. Irritatingly, there are more than just peasants and cheesemakers this time. I can sense their purple evil from here. Dwarven nobles. This is supposed to be a feline palace, not a dwarven barony! But no, we have to put up with ... hey is that another Dungeon Master? Don't they know what happened to the LAST one? I'm pretty sure we still have his corpse in a cage somewhere. A hammerer. Yeah, he's getting the Bedroom Of DOOM! first. I can't have him killing my useful slaves. the Tax Collector, because all we need right now in the middle of sieges and sitting above some dark power is the economy to ... to ...

Waaaiiit a minute.

"the Tax Collector" vs "The Tax Collector" death match. This has to happen.

16th Slate
TCH. Dwarves are no fun. When the Tax Collector arrived and heard of the state of affairs, the first thing he did was accuse The Tax Collector of being an impostor. The Tax Collector responded by accusing the Tax Collector and the other nobles of being impostors, and furthermore, useless. What followed was a series of back and forth questions on obscure tax laws and convoluted mathematics that might have been really dramatic for t(T)he Tax Collectors but was boring enough to everybody else that they wandered off to trade with elvish merchants that had snuck in with the migrants. The elves had wood! And that was literally all.

The taxmen are still sniping at each other now. The general consensus amongst the dwarves is that they're both cold bastards but the uppercase can do some pretty impressive engravings so they'll kill the other one.

18th Slate
The migrants have all been recruited and stationed in the Bedroom Of DOOM!. Flint suggested setting our caged titan on them. Ahahahaha NO. I mean, I love seeing idiot dwarves suffer as much as the next nondwarf, but there are limits. Specifically, when my entire army is killed and I have to flee my palace. I'm having the pit toggled on and off until everybody falls in, although I had to have a large area of stone ordered dumped to get the occasionally useful yet currently lazy dwarves out of the room before locking it. Amusingly, guess who were the first dwarves to lock the room and toggle the bridge when the order was given to execute? tHE TAX COLLECTOR and THE HAMMERER. Maybe those nobles aren't so bad after all.

20th Slate
Dwarves are short, stubby, fat, lazy, stupid creatures. WHY is it that when the floor opens up underneath them they are able to leap for safety with no difficulty whatsoever? Tch, I have a new plan. I'll use those large dug out areas in the mines to collapse the roof on top of the migrants and the nobles all at once. I'll just need Ruins to channel a rectangle and have Ivanor rig up a support. Might as well keep trying with that pit for now, it's at least a little bit amusing.

1st Felsite
Mwahahahaha, two of the migrants have fallen into the pit with a satifying splat. That makes my total slaves number 119. Meanwhile, the bed lures aren't working. If this is anything like when I had the first Dungeon Master caught we'll be waiting all year. I'll use levers instead. If the last few years have taught me one thing it's that dwarves will fall for ANYTHING.

10th Felsite
"Heeeeeey, Baron ... Go pull that lever down there. Repeatedly. And don't stop until I tell you to."
"And WHY should I do such a thing, Ivanor?!"
"Uh ... It's a fortress tradition. Trust me, the peasants will respect you a lot more afterwords."
"Hmm, very well."

"NEW RECRUITS!"
"Sir yes sir!"
"You are now stationed to patrol that rocky, dug out area by the support."
"Flint sir, may I ask why?"
"No you may not!"
"Sir!"

Heh.

14th Felsite
The Tax Collector has been informed the fortress population is now 94, and that is all I shall say about that little interlude. (But don't the dwarves have to deal with the mess that-) Not if Ruins gets her pick to the staircase first they won't. (Aren't the dwarves going to be unhappy that-) Party at the microline statue. (Hey, you forgot to lure the two children down-) *Collective gasp*. I beg your pardon! I may be an "evil" cat intent on dominating the world via catsplosion but I am not a monster!

... Yes, yes I did.

[Author's Note: Normally, I would try and keep the nobles happy, accommodate all migrants and manage the economy well. But can I be bothered in this fortress I intend to very shortly expose to massive danger? No.]

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

14th Felsite
the Tax Collector was killed along with the other nobles, and by and large the mooks were indifferent to his conflict with The Tax Collector. I am not so foolish. Before now I had told no one, but the first Dungeon Master's dying words were that there was an impostor in our fortress, and I had suspected The Tax Collector's motives some time prior. The Tax Collector is no fool, he met with me outside the fortress where it was quiet. He admitted to being from the Council. I knew they were watching, but not that they had been suspicious of myself for so long. In return, I took a chance and told The Tax Collector all I planned. Most of it he had deduced and enough of it he agreed with, but he had not anticipated his own task; to search this island for allies. They need only be few, and not even loyal enough to know my full intentions, but The Tax Collector was the best judge of potential and skill there was.

Would The Tax Collector betray the Council? His response was that he was a dwarf. Ah. There are some things he can't ignore, and I suspect I will have need to hide myself soon, but he will do exactly as much I planned. For the moment ... There is some dark power hidden in this site, and it is more than time for it to be in dwarven hands.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: Strife26 on December 14, 2008, 11:55:54 pm

Strife's private notes:

I'm is confuzed, which tax collector is (was) which.
The kitten confuzes me. However, I WILL get my chance to complete my ultimate plan of dire ultimitatude! [sic]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 16, 2008, 08:07:44 pm

[Author's Note: This chapter contains significant HFS spoilers]

- CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN: Boss Fight! -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

17th Felsite
It is time. Whatever power has been hidden here, I shall claim. Yet I know this shall be no easy task. If Asno was killed to keep it secret, it must be a great danger too. We will need defences. Kornash and the meleetry continue training, but aside from Flint none of the marksdwarves have reached elite skill. All of our livestock I will order butchered for their bones, and bolts made for practise. Will twenty trained dwarves be enough? No, but Ivanor's mechanics, my miners and even The Tax Collector's engravers are also hard at work. We shall have a long corridor rigged to cave in if anything dangerous arises from the depths. A winding corridor will be fortified so that Flint will have a great time to fire upon any targets while they slowly wind their way closer. At the end, another long corridor with three ballistas facing down it, and a stockpile of ammo to the side. If all else fails, a smoothed chamber will be readied for Kornash to make the final stand.

To work!

17th Hematite
Our preparations continue, but already we are in danger. The goblins have discovered out intentions and are sieging the fortress. They have already killed several human merchants nearby, and are waiting for their chance to strike. With the bridges retracted, they shall have a hard time finding it, and we have grown from requiring outside aid. We will have larger problems to deal with, soon enough. Hmm, that gives me an idea. The caged titan. It is dangerous, but we can use it as a last retort if we are unable to contain the power. I'll have Ivanor hook the cage up.

19th Malachite
Our defences are complete and ready to be used if necessary. I have considered other additions, but none which are reliable enough to really work. Digging pits is of no use if our foe can fly. Flooding rooms are of no use if they can swim. If kobold thieves can avoid stone fall traps, I think a power this dangerous might manage. Our exploratory mining can now begin with some small degree of security. I'm having a moderate amount of food and ale brought out to the outside of the defended area, because it is a long way to walk and we miners may be digging for some time. Strike the earth ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df146.PNG)
(It was really hard not to mine out those gems anyway.)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df147.PNG)
(Imagine this, but covered in blood and goo. That's pretty much what's going to happen.)

A Month In The Life Of: Syoan, Mechanic

23nd Malachite
HEY GUYS don't you think having a quote unquote CRAPLOAD of dwarves rush out to move stone and bring out ale is not a wise idea when mining for something dangerous? NO SERIOUSLY DON'T IGNORE ME. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT, I'M SERIOUS. HONEST. Aww, forget it. Nobody ever pays attention to me anymore. :(

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df148.PNG)
(On a scale of zero to tears, this is going to end in tears.)

A CHILD HAS BEEN TAKEN BY A MOOD! He took some things and wanted wood, but Ruins said we didn't have any left. Uh Ruins, see that tree farm over there? It has TREES in it now. The Tax Collectors butts in saying the child is not worth the resources being demanded. Which is really quite ironic when THE TAX COLLECTOR HAS HAD ANOTHER CHILD! ALSO, A SECOND MARKSDWARF IS ELITE! Oh goody, my first announcement has finally echoed into the mines and Ruins is coming out to cancel the stockpile. Hey Ruins, so what did you find down there anyway?

WE'VE STRUCK MICRO- (Kornash: "Don't even fucking think it.") Eep, N slash M. That guy is scary.

5th Galena
EVERYONE, EVERYONE! WE'VE STRUCK (All: *Glares*) ... raw admantine. Alright, this is great! That stuff is worth soooooo much and it's stupid powerful too. I don't know what Ruins was looking for but even she is distracted by digging it all out. AWESOME!

16th Galena
WE'VE STRUCK RAW ADMANTINE!

17th Galena
WE'VE STRUCK MORE RAW ADMANTINE!

18th Galena
WE'VE STRUCK EVEN MORE RAW ADMANTINE!

21st Galena
HOLY CRAP GUYS, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT WE JUST STRUCK! IT'S- (Kornash: "Shut up Syoan.")

22nd Galena
ADMANTINE! WHEE RAW ADMANTINE! A MINER BROKE INTO A PECULAR CHAMBER, AND THEN STRUCK RAAAAAAW ADMANTINE! ALSO, ADMANTINE! Hey what was in that chamber anyway, is it ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df149.PNG)
(The scariest thing is actually that my FPS just dropped from about fifty to about twenty.)

Oh ... Oh dear god. HORRORS! DEMONS IN THE DEEP! HORRORS! DEMONS IN THE DEEP! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! HORRORS! DEMONS IN THE DEEP! No, I'm not going to stop saying that, I don't care if it's not helping we're ALL GOING TO DIE AAAAHH! A MINER HAS BEEN STRUCK DOWN! Ruins is still down there, run! Get out! No, that way is deeper into the mines what the hell are you doing! No, yes, YES that way! She's out, she's out! HORRORS! DEMONS IN THE DEEP!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df150.PNG)
(DEEEEEEEEEEMON FROGS! Kermit will have his revenge! Or is that the crazy frog? More like an army of Battletoads. I only wish they were Froggers. It's not the frog prince or Freddo Frog, that's for sure.)

Three Days In The Life Of: Nym, Gem Cutter

24th Galena
Demons approach. I never wanted to become involved, but I don't want these dwarves to die. I have grown close to too many of them to stand back and let them suffer for their mistakes. Ruins is recovering from her close call in the mines, and seems distant. The Tax Collector is trying to take command, but few will listen to his words. Flint and Kornash are soldiers, but they do not have the knowledge to lead. I am respected enough, and I have watched enough to know what must be done. I must take command of this battle.

The demons are leaping out of the mines, one by one. They're too far apart to make much use of the cave in. There are not many attacking yet, it is not worth releasing the titan now. I order Flint to begin firing through the fortifications. Half of the marksdwarves are clustered to the south behind solid stone. The few with a clear shot begin firing, but the frog demons are moving too fast to hit much. Several dwarves are running through the defences to, I think, retrieve a barrel of ale and plump helmet left behind. This may be an increase in dwarfiness from watching trees grow but it's not worth it! One craftsdwarf runs too close to a frog demon, and is torn apart. Several dwarves have become unhappy. I've forbid anyone from taking the food but they're still wandering too close!

26th Galena
Oh god, a group of the children have started playing in front of the ballistas. The marksdwarves have stopped shooting. Why? I rushed out to ask them and found they've run out of ammo. I thought we still had plenty of metal bolts left, but all The Tax Collector could find were twenty five left forbidden outside for some reason. This is bad. We have about ten fully grown trees, I've ordered several civilians to cut them down and carve bolts as soon as possible. Another miner has been killed. I ordered Flint to retreat, but a few of the marksdwarves with ammo left moved into position to fire, killing two of the demons before falling back. It is a relief to know they CAN be killed. Now please, will everybody move out of the way so I can fire the siege engines without first impaling dwarves!

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks
27th Galena

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df151.PNG)
(It's times like this I wish you could order all civilians to stay OUTdoors.)

Could you idiots maybe NOT. This is exactly the kind of thing that killed a third miner. I need some of those miners alive to dig my artificial waterfalls. Actually, I wish I'd started that little project earlier so all these unhappy dwarves could get dumped under it until they snapped to their senses, or at least be relaxed by the mist. Either way! If you dwarves have no useful jobs, GO AWAY. Go party by the microline statue. Go ... go dump all those spare olivine stones somewhere. A few more frogs have been killed. Most of the marksdwarves have run out of ammo somehow and a couple are charging around the fortifications to BLUDGEON the demons to death. Guess how that ended. If you guessed two dead dwarves, YOU'RE SMARTER THAN AN AVERAGE DWARF. We're never going to be able to fire those ballistas with all the dwarves around (although it is tempting), somebody get Kornash in there.

1st Limestone
Okay. Okay. I think they're all dead. Kornash and the rest managed to kill all the frogs in sight. Now who wants to go down into the pit to check?

...

Aaaaand, YOU, random engraver, are now a recruit and stationed down there. Say hi to the chained madmen for me. No, don't get a drink. No, don't go to sleep. Wimp. Anyway, let's see if I can convince the bonecarvers to make use of that last migrant wave. Hey. HEY! I said make bolts from them, don't just dump them in the cemetery. Gah, fine. Use the wood. DAMN IT, that annoying kid with his strange mood managed to steal one of our logs before the carpenters could reach it.

Wait, uh oh. Another frog just came into sight in the middle of our defences and ate a couple of dwarves. Kornash is running to kill it and THREE MORE just came out of nowhere. Ninja frogs. I do not need this. Kornash and two other wrestlers manage to take them down without too much difficulty, but then several more appear before they can even catch their breath. Stop that. The fighting is something of a jumble in the enclosed space and, oh great, Kornash was just struck down. And then MORE of the bastards spawn. I think we might have underestimated their numbers. Another wrestler is killed. Even more frogs attack. Fuck it, I'm releasing the titan, we can't take any more of this.

Oh sure, NOW they stop sneaking through. The titan is just wandering around, stretching his legs a bit. Most of the meleetry are fleeing. Half of the dwarves are in tears. THERE'S NO POINT, THE FROGS CAN SWIM IN YOUR RIVER OF TEARS! Get the ballista ready. One of the meleetry away from the fight is throwing a tantrum. Damn it, take it out on the frogs, why don't you. YEAH WE HAVE A TOWER CAP AMULET WOO!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df152.PNG)
(Please be the Amulet of Yendor, please be the Amulet of Yendor ... damn it!)

Fuck this, I'm getting out of here while I still can. The goblins outside won't pay any attention to a single cat. If I don't make it, tell my queen to harvest the sperm from my body!

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

10th Limestone
Nym has forbidden everything within the defences and canceled all zones, designations and the like from nearby but a significant number of dwarves are still running out into danger. For the moment the demon frogs have stopped attacking, but someone released the titan. The titan is now slowly making its way through our defences, killing several dwarves. Most of the fortress have succumbed to their emotions, and several dwarves are throwing tantrums and destroying buildings. There is little anyone is able to do about it until they calm down, but morale is low enough that it will take some effort to do so. The true danger was never demons, but restless dwarves.

Two wrestlers have moved in to attack the titan. After a struggle, they were able to stun and kill it. There are no more hostiles in sight. Aside from the goblins outside, but they cannot enter our fortress. Most of the marksdwarves survived and we can create more ammo when our tower-caps grow. The current fortress population is 76. Nobody has been able to locate Ruins, although none recall seeing her killed. ~~If she has left then I too must slip away before order is restored. The Council will want to speak with me, and I have other work to do now.~~ Once again no spare buckets can be located. Two are ordered made, and several dwarves put to work reconstructing buildings.

A Day In The Life Of: Flint, Merchant Of Death

16th Limestone
Flint bored. Nym say not much ammo left, has to hang back. But Flint still have twenty five bolts left! Could totally kill twenty five more things. Kornash gets to have all the fun. Although, not sure where Kornash is now. Seems to be a lot less wrestlers than there were before the froggies attacked. Maybe they're all tired and sleeping. Kornash too strong to get killed, right?

Flint ... thinks maybe breaking into the chamber not such a great idea. It sure stinks around here now and OH! What Syoan say??? A Demon! Not a froggie, the boss of the froggies, a burning flaming Demon! A wrestler down in the pit is killed, and another one runs away into the mines. The Demon running for us. Flint not like our chances against that right now. Flint go as far as to say we screwed.

[Author's Note: Why ... is there ... suddenly ... so much ... laaaaaaaaaag ...]

Wait! The falling roof! Nym yell to collapse it as the Demon approaches. Some dwarf run to do so. The Demon gets close and THUMP! Dust everywhere, can't see ... is it ... nope, Demon still alive. Knocked out, but Flint can't get there in time before it wakes up. Grab my crossbow anyway, it is time for the marksdwarves to show everyone what we're made of! (Um, bad choice of words. Flint see too many insides of dwarves already today.)

Wait again! The wrestler from in the mines is coming out again! He still alive, and starting to attack the unconscious Demon! Kill stealer. And, wait, no, he's burned now. That Demon STRONG. Flint turn the last corner, and see it down the corridor. Demon strong, but Flint stronger. No time to wait for other dwarves. Flint has been training long time for this. Killed titan, but this even stronger than titan. The ultimate foe. This is it. The biggest, baddest kill ever. This kill Flint secretly dream of every night. Except sometime that elite female marksdwarf. She hot, Flint like to load HER crossbow. ANYWAY, Flint raises weapon, readies the first bolt. Aims and HOLY CRAP Demon just shot massive fireball! Good thing Flint can dodge, hahaha. TO THE FINAL SHOWDOWN!

Wait, Flint forget which game he in. Shoot quickly but run out of bolts, hurt Demon's left hand a bit only. Try attack in melee, is now on fire and gonna

A Time In The Life Of: Strife, Brewer

21st Limestone
Despite all his best efforts, Flint is ... dead. Our greatest soldier barely managed to scratch the Demon before being consumed. Our fortress is on the brink of a full scale riot, our military is in shambles, dwarves are running over the place, even our siege operators are fleeing their ballistas when hostiles come around the fortification passages. I ... don't think there's anything we can do anymore. Oh god we're all going to ... to ...

Oh you have GOT to be kidding me. Some random marksdwarf, who hadn't even reached elite status, somehow just killed the Demon in, what, five bolts. Even the goblins outside have all fled from us. Hahahaha. How about that. WE'RE NOT GOING TO DIE AFTER ALL, SYOAN! We're not going to die.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df153.PNG)
(...)

Date Unknown
All of us with our minds still intact are in agreement. We're abandoning the fortress and never coming back. Even after narrowly defeating the demons the mood of the fortress did not improve much. Too many had been killed for our celebrations to mean much, and in moments of silence we could still hear screams from the prisoners in the pit. Ruins was lost and The Tax Collector left us to our own devices. Nym did what she could, but there were always tantrums and miserable dwarves. Ivanor helped to rebuild what was destroyed and Syoan communicated orders and warnings throughout the fortress, but it didn't really help. A few dwarves and I tried to clean up the bodies, but mostly we just ended up with miasma everywhere. Eventually a carpenter snapped and went insane. Two dwarves fell to their deaths in the Bedroom Of DOOM! when an angry dwarf broke the bridge.

Things were only going downhill, but I'm sure with some fresh air and a sunny holiday us survivors will be fine. Vomiting is still technically better than blood! We're taking what food and ale we can carry, but nobody has dared venture into the mines for the admantine. It'll be left as treasure for stronger dwarves than we, I suppose. The livestock are all dead, but we're being followed by a cat that everybody had forgotten about; Ivanor named him Claws.

I'm sure the goblins will be happy with us. I mean, we might have destroyed their holy ground, but we did defeat ALL of the darkness they were hiding, right?

*DUN DUN*

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Now with added Community!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 16, 2008, 08:10:28 pm

- Sign up now for fortress #3! -

The next fortress begins with TWO plotdwarves (one mechanic/siege and one carpenter/gems), so there are FIVE slots free for embarking dwarves! Tell me a name, any skills or items, and optionally a personality and you're in. (Although, I'd rather not have any repeated characters if you've joined a previous fortress. It's not that Vidar shouldn't be reborn as an avatar for The Great Tree, but ... ;)) If all five are taken, you can still claim a migrant in advance.

I haven't chosen the exact embark location yet (I'll probably need to tweak world gen settings to find one) but in theory it would be a beach (ocean + sand), have magma, be untamed wilds or haunted / terrifying and even have a cave nearby. Aside from just surviving, I have this idea for a glass prison (complete with magmafalls, sweatshops and food drops from above) or maybe a glass palace for Fluffy. Although, the two might effectively be the same thing. :P An entirely glass SOMETHING(/S) for a semimegaproject anyway.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Paulus Fahlstrom on December 16, 2008, 10:17:23 pm

I'd be happy to sign up for the next wave of insanity.

Name: Kibeth
Occupation: Mercenary/Fisherdwarf (Male or female works fine with me)

He has previous experience on board some privateer-like ships that would pillage coastal towns and ships of enemy nations. Has some experience with swimming (2), a sword (2) and minor experience with armor (1) and shield (1) but mostly just likes to fish (4). Put me on food production and I'll catch plenty of fish. No farming needed, except for alcohol of course! His ultimate goal is to train as a wrestler and be able to land some sharks or whales off the deep coast.

He also has no problems knifeing those he sees as disloyal in the back and dumping them overboard, if you know what I mean.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: muwahahaha on December 16, 2008, 11:57:24 pm

Oooh! Oooooooh! Me! Me! *Raises hand reaaaaaly high*

Uhm, I might grab a miner please, I don't mind on gender, name them Bahlthier please!

Whoohoo!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Mephansteras on December 17, 2008, 12:28:09 am

I'll take one!

Name: Crystalbeard if male, Crystaleyes if female.
Occupation: Glassblower/smith/other burning stuff occupations if needed
Preferences: Should like some sort of glass, if possible.

I don't know if you usually do a starting smith or not. If you do, you can give my dwarf enough stuff to make either starting armor/weapons for people or some trade goods (I like to bring a platinum ore and make platinum crafts, since even a single poorly made item nets you 400 dwarfbucks).

If you don't plan on a smith, I guess he/she can do masonry or engraving until the glassworks is up and running.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Jamini on December 17, 2008, 01:45:29 am

Yikes, you really wrote Nym in as in important figure in the last days. My mood just jumped from "Quite Content" to "Happy" from that thought. XD

I would like to be in the initial seven for this round, because I can.

Name: Warrel(male) Warla (female)
Occupation: Architect/Mechanic. I would also like him to be the Manager or Bookeeper, if that job isn't taken by your plotdwarves. I also would not mind having Siege Engineerng (but not Operating) enabled.

Preferance: Must be at least "Is organized". Preferably slow to anger/Not very artistic.
Backstory Tidbits: Warel/Warla is a recent honors graduate of the Regional Institute of Designing Meticulous Deathtraps (RID-MD). S/he has a penchant for creating ingenious ways to kill invaders. S/he would have graduated at the top of her/his class, but in the final s/he recived a demerit for allowing another student to die when demonstrating her year-long project. S/he is also youngest of her twenty siblings.

Skills:
Organizer: 4
Architect: 4
Mechanic: 2

Obviously her preferred role in the fortress is building defenses. Be they stonefall traps, cages, weapon traps, spikes, levers, bridges, falling floors, supports, Depots, flooding depots, screw pumps, waterwheels, windmills, Catapults, Ballistae, or ballista bolts, she loves to do them all

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Frelock on December 17, 2008, 04:17:49 am

Oh, I definitely want to get in on this next one, with a new dwarf!

Name: Cookie (Male's preferable, female is alright)
Profession: Cook (duh) and Brewer (proficient in each)

Backstory: Cookie was once a cook upon a human ship, forced into the position in what was commonly referred to as "the noodle incident" (which he refuses to talk about). However, he escaped and made his way back to the mountainhomes (or wherever we're coming from), and was immediately sent upon this journey back to the sea. Cookie absolutely hates water and the sea in general.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Flintus10 on December 17, 2008, 04:31:47 am

Rofl what a way for Flint to go good job with him.

I'd like to request a new character for fortress #3

Sarek-Male Sareika-Female

A paranoid and hyper-compulsive dwarf who is also very sickly and quite sucpicious of everyone however is tolerated because of his/her skills in the craftshop particularly with bone. (also worships feverently whichever is his/her deity )

Backround: As a young dwarf Sarek(assuming male) was born under a bad sign and so was doomed from the start. He grew older and quickly learnt the art of bone crafting as a child from his father, however soon his father left and he was raised by his insanely overbearing mother who would often lock him indoors to keep him safe, it is for this reason he became sickly and since he missed out on a lot of socialising sucpicious of others. Sarek's attempts to join the military were comical at best and after being injured several times simply sat in his room holding a bone amulet and rocking back and forth. And those who disturbed him would leave that room and never speak of what happened or even look into the eyes of another dwarf again.

(man this has turned out a bit longer than intended oh well :)) After a brief and convinient plot-wise affair with the mayor of that fortress Sareks faith was restored enough to hold his sanity and he soon left with only a few quirks, crafting skills and borderline sanity, So he left his old home and soon met up with a new group, Sarek managed to maintain some social contact although was still quite sucpicious of the others. (there done..and also never ask about Sarek's past or else prepare to suffer the insanse consequenses. Man that was long

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 17, 2008, 05:35:43 am

Update! It was surprisingly easy to set the world gen up to provide plenty of ocean, caves, magma, and untamed wilds. After looking around I've chosen the location I'll probably embark on: It's a 4x5 area, which is the smallest I could find with all the features I wanted, mostly desert, and just to make life even ~~easier~~ more fun has an aquifer!

(I'll probably get started this weekend, and thank you to everybody signing up!)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: DeadorK on December 17, 2008, 06:06:19 am

I'd like to claim a migrant in advance please!
His/her name will be simply called hat. If possible, could I please get a mason/engraver/stone worker, but if not anything will be fine.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Boksi on December 17, 2008, 09:34:34 am

Can I have a stonecrafter immigrant when one arrives? Name him Steinn if male, Steinunn if female.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 17, 2008, 05:20:13 pm

Migrant! Engraver!

Brutus. The half insane engraver from what he insists is a different time period. Likes blue, if you can manage that.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Waylon on December 19, 2008, 09:31:46 pm

Name: Waylon / Volundr (derived from Germanic god of Smith, Wayland, also known as Volundr in Scandinavian mythology)

Profession: Metal Smith

Backstory: A young, idealistic dwarf that smiths only to make a living (although he is getting better at it), but whose real passion is magic. Not wizard magic, I mean like sleight of hand type showman magic. A good entertainer and speaker, but lousy at negotiation or any of the like.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on December 20, 2008, 02:50:39 pm

Can I have a dwarf called Maggarg, job title, Kleptomaniac.
(train him in swords or something but make sure he's generally unhelpful.)
Backstory:Maggarg was born an awfully long time ago in a small, wet fortress in the middle of a large, wet nowhere.
He promptly left, having cased the mayor's tomb and made off with a sword. He spent the next hundred-and-fourty years robbing towns, temples, old ladies and babies. He frequently fakes his own death and gets a new identity, always called Maggarg. He likes authority, because they usually have stuff worth nicking.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 20, 2008, 06:14:20 pm

Quote from: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on December 20, 2008, 02:50:39 pm

Can I have a dwarf called Maggarg, job title, Kleptomaniac.
(train him in swords or something but make sure he's generally unhelpful.)

Okay, now you people are just screwing with me, LOL. ;) You get the first soap maker who shows up!

Next chapter should be up soonish.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: DFNewb on December 20, 2008, 07:12:29 pm

I'd like to claim a migrant in advance please!
name him newb and put him in the army and make him use shorts swords and his only labor to be health care
so after a big battle he will help the wounded also set his job name as combat medic.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Sign up NOW for Fortress #3!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 20, 2008, 08:40:23 pm

- CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT: Guinea Pigs Have It Easy -

New Fortress!
Survive the wildlife, flourish in a desert, clear out the cave and construct several entirely glass buildings.
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df154.PNG)

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

26th Obsidian
thing on aha! Excellent. Right. Okay. Right. Where to start? Ahem.

This is the voice log of The Mad Scientist. Today, is the 26th Obsidian, and soon I and my associates shall arrive at our destination; the northern beach of this accursed island that we dwarves were forcibly exiled to over a decade ago. Since that time many dwarves have attempted to escape our new home, but as far as is known, none of succeeded. In recent years it has been deduced the reason for this is strong elven magic, cast upon the seas. Although merchants and travelers from the mainland may pass unhindered in their boats, any fleet of dwarven construction finds itself drowned through raging winds, torn apart by vicious sea monsters, or nibbled slowly to death by hoards of carp. There is a degree of flexibility; Kibeth, for example, has sailed around the island, but no more.

How does the magic react only to dwarves? How is it maintained? How can it be bypassed? These are questions that, through observation and experimentation, I seek to discover. I have three aims here. The first is, attract further dwarves to participate in the experiments. The second is yet unknown. The third is, profit!

"Heeeeeey, Maddy. What's that thing?"
Oh, Urist. This is
"Excuse me? Urist? I don't see anyone with such a dreadfully boring and plain name nearby, who are you talking to?"
Ugh, Elfbane, if you must.
"Oh! So it is me you are speaking with? How very coincidental I was just asking you about that device you held."
Yes yes, whatever. This is my, uh ... I'll call it a voice recorder, yes. VR for short. Veer fo sho. Veer foish? Veery. Veery nice to have it, it records my voice. In logs. Not wood logs. Voice logs. Paperwork without paper. Excellent. I'll sell millions to the elves. Veery. Aha.
"... did you forget to take your meds this morning?"
Aha, what? No, I, uh, forgot to bring them when we left. But look, you KNOW I can see better without those things. I made this voice recorder. I did it for science. Why doesn't it record all the other voices? The colours won't tell me why. Heeheeheeheehee. Oh, you silly green. Ahem. LOOK. I'm busy now. I need to finish these pre-notes.
"You're using this for the experiments? Of course! We reveal ourselves in our voices, and if it is by this we bare our soul, so too must deep elven curses be bound by speech. And to catch it, keep it from them, then we too might wield the power to bind them away from their dearly beloved forests!"
That's ... not exactly how it works. Look, if you want dramatics go play with Crystaleyes. She's trying to decide whether to date Kibeth or not. Ugh. Now shoo, I don't know how long this will

28th Obsidian
xed it. Where was I? Let me ... right.

Also present for the start of this experiment are six other dwarves. The first is Urist, ugh, Elfbane Chaotika. He has been an unfortunately long term acquaintance of mine since we were locked up together during the exile. Elfbane has been following me since I informed him of my intention to free us dwarves this prison. He loves the idea, but I don't think he actually takes my experiments seriously. Warla is my assistant, she has a good technical knowledge and experience constructing elaborate machines and deathtraps, mostly on her many older siblings. Kibeth is an ex-pirate from when we were at war with the natives here, and is willing to give his knowledge of the barrier to help break it. He also wants to strangle a shark, for some reason. Crystaleyes is a young dwarf who does not remember the exile, but believes that returning to the mainland would be "like, totally awesome" on the basis "there would, like, be sooooo many hot, rich dwarves giving me their numbers!". I believe she was referring to passcodes for their fortresses. Cookie farms and prepares our meals. He only joined after a forest fire burned his last fortress, a roaming titan crushed his wagon, and a giant eagle defecated in his ale. He hates water and was quite depressed when he learned our destination, but continued anyway.

Oh, I almost forgot, there's also Bahlthier. I haven't told the others, but he's actually a robot I built while sleepwalking once. A fully automated stone removal and construction unit using ale as fuel. Apparently I forget to water proof things in my sleep though, but, given the average dwarf can swim as well as a boulder, that only makes him more realistic.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df155.PNG)
(Oh embark screen, why won't you reveal these dwarves deepest secrets (ie gender)?)

Unless some disaster strikes, we should arrive at our destination tomorrow afternoon. I did embark with a number of scientific supplies, but last week some excited miner calling himself "Doomhammer" apparently convinced Crystaleyes to trade them for a rare and valuable commodity ... microline. Henceforth Warla was given all official positions, although Crystaleyes still insists on being the expedition leader. What little we still possess includes a weapon and body armour for Kibeth, bags for Crystaleyes to gather sand, a large number of wooden logs and two wardogs kept by Kibeth to chase off thieves.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df156.PNG)
(Fifty cat meat? Ceiling cat isn't watching you masturbate anymore. NOM NOM NOM.)

1st Granite
We've arrived! We're here! The colours are happy now, heeheehee! Well, almost. Our wagon broke before we reached the coast. Warla wasn't sure about my inventive design, and asked me to fix it. I tried, but felt a bit dizzy from the heat, and the entire thing exploded into blinding dust when I accidentally leaned on the self destruct button. There was a good reason I put that there. Ahem.

I'm looking around the area now, and it looks fairly unremarkable. There is, uh, a lot of yellow sand. There's a few trees growing here and there, some rhyolite pebbles. There's not much sand down by the ocean, but there is a LOT of obsidian. I'll set Bahl to mine some out later, but I guess we can build with microline for now. I don't see any other evidence of the magma supposedly present at this location, it must be reasonably underground. I can see a couple of camels and a jaguar in the distance, but they don't look hostile. Yet.

The ground is fairly level nearby. There are one or two uneven spots that could be made into a defendable fortress entrance, but not much else.

"Ahoy Maddy, you must be lookin' o'er har, yarr!"
... That was you Kibeth, wasn't it.
"Aye, matey, that it be."
Are you going to be talking like that for the entire duration of this experiment?
"Yarr, only until the landlubbarr author be sick o', and belay, typin' in such a starreotyped manner because the addled dog has not yet de'eloped bettarr me character description than "pirate", shi'er me timbers."
Uh, aha, what was it you wanted to show me?
"There's a cave not too far to the west that we could take shelter in until we have time to dig a better fortress closer to the beach."
That was quick.
"... yarr."

1st Granite, later
Okay, I'm back and aha, let's not hide out in the cave. Not there, no. It does appear to be a sturdy path into two levels of aquifer, but it's mostly thin passages we'd have to dig out further anyway and there are GREMLINS. EVERYWHERE. Little green horrible things wandering around causing havoc pulling levers oh god they'll flood us all we have to stay away away AWAY.
"Gremlins! A trickster of a foe, to fight a battle of the mind as much as the body, and, ah, Kibeth do you want to check if there are really ...?"
Yes Elfbane there are really Gremlins I am not imagining it! Aha no, LOOK, I drew you this graph, see here:

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df157.PNG)
(Of course, this is only an approximation, we should throw Crystaleyes down there to confirm it.)

Also there is a giant and I have named her Uquuyi and it is pronounced "icky". Did I need to say that for the VR? Probably not but OH GOD A GREMLIN BEHIND YOU IT (Thump.)

"... No, she's just passed out. Don't worry, she does this all the time when she forgets her pills. Her next prescription is being forwarded here soon."
"Yarr, so I am going to clear this gremlin scum out of the cave or not?"
"What, without any time to build the tension? Of course not! See, there's even another location marked on the map. I'll ask Bahl to dig out a room for the food, and some shade for Maddy, and we can start hauling everything over. Then we can hack those slopes away and build a wall across the entrance or something."
"Fair enough. I'll tell the others. Yarr."

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df158.PNG)
(I guess the BEFORE shot isn't that interesting by itself, huh.]

IN THE NEXT EPISODE of A.D.A.B.B.S.L.S.T.O.A.M.F.S.O.D.F.A.D. the author actually begins playing the game by hauling hundreds of individual items over desert into stockpiles! Will it be exciting? How exciting will it be? Are you excited?! STAY TUNED!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Fortress #3 begins! Sort of.}
Post by: muwahahaha on December 21, 2008, 01:52:34 am

...
...

HOLYMARGHAKBLEIAKKGMFKMFKHMFKMGAAAAHH. THAT WAS AWESOME!

... uh.. I mean...

I moderately support this opening story...

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Fortress #3 begins! Sort of.}
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 21, 2008, 04:39:56 am

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I really don't know how to express how awesome and funny that was.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Fortress #3 begins! Sort of.}
Post by: Plank of Wood on December 21, 2008, 04:56:05 am

Don't feed the gremlins after midnight!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Fortress #3 begins! Sort of.}
Post by: Jamini on December 21, 2008, 01:17:17 pm

On the skills screen if you switch over to the dwarf window and presss V you can view starting profiles AND gender.

As always, enjoyable.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 22, 2008, 05:34:19 am

- CHAPTER TWENTY NINE: A Horrible, Horrible Idea -

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

5th Hematite
Ah dear, beloved diary, how long it has been since our fates last converged! Months, time stretching on as far as this desert, further!, for even as I have trudged back and forth over the sand carrying barrel after barrel, log after log, I could see waves crashing in the distance; no cosy mountain tunnel, but a calming sight nonetheless. Yet I feared through seemingly endless labor no time might come where I could dip ink with pen and leave my thoughts on this, the most epic, yet overreaching, endeavor of ours; true freedom, what else? Alas, for even here where knowledge shall be born, our arrogance behinds us to drudgery.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df159.PNG)
(Seeing the ocean waves in motion for the first time was another awe inspiring moment from DF.)

Or, to write by the common hand, what the fuck was Maddy thinking?! I love her idea of grand fortresses and journeys of discovery, really I do, but these things take careful nurturing and developing, great heroes emerge from humble peasants etcetera. Instead, The Mad Scientist wakes up from her dizzy spell, hands Warla a pick, and begins designating massive areas of sand to be dug out. Once she calmed down enough to explain her scrawled diagrams we found they contained, among other things, five dwarf wide hallways, enough storage to house our supplies six times over, more tombs than we have dwarves, a series of rooms reserved for nobles, even a corridor for SHOPS, just in case we grow large enough for an economy! It was beautiful, until it sunk in that we had to dig and haul everything into place there.

Maddy's only concern was that she couldn't find space for any more than forty civilian bedrooms. I suggested just digging further downwards, at which point she exclaimed that in her revere she had forgot we could do that. The entire plan was in 2D.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df160.PNG)
(This, but several screens larger and with notes everywhere. It took me 45 minutes or so, at which point you'd better believe I backed up the savefile because there was no way I was going to redesignate everything if everyone was suddenly mobbed by gremlins or something.)

Bahl set to work without a complaint, estimating the digging would take four months. It's been three, and the digging is close to finished finished; Warla and Bahl have shifted so much sand that their skill would be considered legendary to most dwarves, but I'm afraid there just isn't the same level of glory, of heroism, of sheer epicness, from digging what amounts to our island's largest sandcastle. Myself and my other companions have only just finished hauling everything inside, and Maddy has now ordered us to move our food supplies AGAIN, into a deeper stockpile because she said so and we clearly haven't wasted enough time yet.

Yes, it has been an arduous season for everyone. Warla has been grumbling about not signing up for physical labor. Kibeth has been grumbling about the heat, and the lack of a fishery. Our food supplies will last us a while yet, and Cookie had a farm, kitchen and still running by mid Slate, but the reason is that we have precious time to spare walking back and forth from the beach to clean and store each catch. We are but fourteen hands ... Crystal has been grumbling about the lack of glass, but until we have to time explore for magma we can't spare the resources to mass produce it. Instead she has been trying her hand at masoning (slowly, and reluctantly) and pleading with Maddy to let her be an animal tamer (because "those wild camels are SOOOOO cute!"). She's been allowed to train any puppies, but warned to stay clear of wild animals. Cookie's been grumbling about how close we are to the sea, and the lack of variety in food. Everyone's been grumbling that Cookie needs to take a shower or something, but then again, his smell might be the only thing keeping those gremlins in their cave.

Bahl hasn't been grumbling, but Bahl's about as emotional as a C grade porn movie. The only person who might be cheery is Maddy, but that depends if you count random outbursts of giggling and dizziness as cheery. Regretfully I can't carve my epic poetry into sand walls, and nobody seems too inclined to use the refuse pile outside, but we've taken some steps to keep (the rest) of us sane. Even before much was dug out a few temporary workshops were set up to provide everyone with a bed and a door, and by now we have a simple dining room and a sculpture garden. We have a trade depot too; nothing to trade, but if any elves or humans from the mainland show up Kibeth fully intends to rob them.

Well, that's just about it for now, and I leave you with this poem that I think truly captures the spirit of this fortress:

Oh flowers will be the colours that they are
But all I have's sand and it's duller by far
To haul back and forth as a crazy girl said
So forget your roses now I'M seeing red

An Exert From The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

28th Hematite
Hi Warla! Have you finished digging? Are my designs finally complete?!
"I would like you to know, Maddy, that I am never doing that again. You can take this pick and dig your own lab next time, or I'll quit. I'm starting mechanisms now."
Uh, aha, Crystal used up the last of our raw microline.
"Then get Bahlthier to dig out some of that obsidian."
Yes, uh, but Crystal didn't get much done, and Bahl is our only prog-, uh, trained mason, and the only other person who knows how to mine is ...
"I am not happy about this."
And before you can start planning our defences we really need those slopes removed and a channel dug for our bridge.
"... ARGH. I wasn't hired for this!"
I promise I'll build you an office soon, okay? Oh, and can you keep an eye on the other dwarves too? Elfbane and I are going on break now.
"GOING TO KILL YOU."
Aha ... hee hee hee ... (Clattering, followed by fleeing footsteps then a faint thump.)
"Hm, what a baby. I must ask Urist about her medication."

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

28th Hematite
I ... I THINK the dwarves have stopped digging now. I'm not even sure what they're doing down there. Building a deluxe oceanside resort for eighty or something? This is the first time they've stopped shoveling since the bastards came here, disturbing my rest. I narrowly escape through a fleeing goblin siege and tenuously tolerated the presence of elvish merchants while hitchhiking across the island to reach this quiet stretch of beach for a well deserved holiday only for more dwarves to show up. I'd be more angry with them if they weren't such a pitiful bunch; at least two of them are terrified by the ocean and I'm fairly sure their leader is crazy.

If nothing else, the smell of their farmer is enough to attract all the vermin within five miles of here. Whenever I'm hungry I can just take a stroll down the empty corridors and have easy pickings. I usually hunt a few extras just to leave the corpses around and scare the glassmaker. She thinks the desert is haunted. Mwahahaha!

... What? Don't give me that look. I'm on holiday and evil takes effort, damn it.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df161.PNG)
(I have Yellow by Coldplay stuck in my head right now. This may be a reoccurring problem!)

21st Malachite
I can't help but notice these dwarves aren't a particularly organised group. Sure they planned a stupidly large fortress in advance, but I was also finally spotted by one of the dwarves (the overly dramatic, probably gay one). The corridors were clear, and I couldn't hear any workshops in use, but only after I'd started hunting did I notice the dwarf eyeing me, half asleep and thirsty, trapped inside a jewelers workshops after walling himself in without anyone noticing. Then again, keeping him in one spot is probably an improvement to what they spend about ninety percent of their time doing: stockpiling, carrying, dropping, stockpiling, hauling, wandering off to get a drink, dropping, hauling and stockpiling AGAIN. The efficiency is so amazingly awful it's a wonder they even have beds to sleep on.

I think they've started to stockpile some wood, stone and basic resources near the workshops, but they really need at least three times as many dwarves to make it work. If it were me, I'd be finding the magma and camping out in a maybe three room minifort next to it. And then jumping into the pipe once I realised I was a dwarf. Gah, now I'm going to have nightmares tonight.

27th Galena
One of the miners was trapped outside a ditch for a while, but the sandcastle can somewhat defend itself now. Although it's still screwed if anything with wings decides to come back, or indeed any enemy smart enough to make the one level jump down to attack given as there are no traps or military yet. Or any guards, so invaders would probably be over the bridge before they realised they were being attacked. On the other hand, they do have a nice airlocked refuse pile inside now, and three puppies that can be trained as watchdogs when they grow up. And they're certainly never going to be caught off guard by migrants!

I just hope the goblin's victory party doesn't last too long, some of us rather enjoy our catnaps.

And now, it's time for ...
Whatever Happened To Clawsschemingslayerrage?

20th Timber
Syoan: "WE'VE MADE IT OUT! WE'RE FREE OF THAT DAMNED SITE!"
Nym: "Um, thank you Syoan, but I think the rest of use might have noticed that ourselves."

28th Opal
Ivanor: "Hey, we really need new clothes. These things are so thin I can't even hide snails in them."
Nym: "Why would you ... ? I probably don't want to know. We don't really have many trade goods left from what little we could carry away, though."
Strife: "Wait, I've got an idea!"

15th Obsidian
Strife: "Throw in seven pairs of leather gloves and it's a deal."
The Mad Scientist: "If you include the bags and I'll give you the seven pairs and twice as many spair socks."
Strife: "Done."

Present Day. Present Time! Hahahahahaha!
Elfbane: "... Does this cat meat taste evil to you?"
Cookie: "No, why do you ask?"

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Strife26 on December 22, 2008, 06:50:07 pm

Administrator: I take it you'd like to leve the mountainhome, huh?

Strife: Yes sir.
<Hands over documentation>
Administrator: I could swear that I just processed a chap named Strife a while ago.

Strife (quickly): Ummm. No relation.
Administrator: Are you hiding something? Strife isn't all that popular of a name . . .

<Puase>
Strife: Errrr . . . In some clans it's common to name an occasional dwarf after the . . . great adventurer/Titan/ninja? . . .Strife?
Admin.: Okay. No skills huh? Well, do you have anyquestions about your rights?

Strife: Seriously, there's no realation. Really.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Mephansteras on December 22, 2008, 07:05:19 pm

Crystaleyes is off the opinion that we could make a fortune selling glass goblets to traders. The fact that we're not planning on trading with anybody doesn't stop her from repeating the idea.

Pity we can't burn driftwood.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 23, 2008, 03:35:59 am

Actually, I fully intend on mass producing glass trade goods as our primary export once I've found the magma, but first I need to get through the aquifer, which probably means going through the cave, which would entail going through Icky ... And the magma is on the other side of the map from the fortress, so that's a problem in itself. I might end up digging a minifort for six or so dwarves, then locking them in just to feed themselves and churn out trade goods, only letting them out to use a nearby trade depot. Idle dwarves from the main fort can just haul the (theoretically less numerous but more valuable) imports back while I lock the six back inside again.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 23, 2008, 05:47:09 am

NO! Fluffycuddleskissesjoy! Why? WHY!

Don't forget Brutus from the next migrant wave. THe place is sand so he can be a glassmaker instead of a engraver

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 24, 2008, 11:15:44 pm

- CHAPTER THIRTY: Roll Call -

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

13th Limestone
More buildings! We need more buildings! I don't care if they're going to sit deconstructed because none of us actually know what a loom even does. (Elfbane thinks it's for hanging on the wall and ominously daunting all the dwarves underneath it.) I need more buildings! Heeheeheeheeehee! Must get rid of those microline blocks, they're watching me when I sleep. Build, my little dwarves, BUILD!

HEY. LISTEN! What did I just tell you to do. Was it haul? I don't think it was haul. It was ... oh god, it was haul, wasn't it. I'm losing time. I can't control my own words. Elfbane, if you can still hear me, stop your stockpiling labors and get back to making barrels. Or cages. Anything. Why am I the only one who can see how flawed your job priority is?! Are you all insane?! Aha. It's happened. I can see it all now. My mind has become SUPER SANE. The rules, the mechanics, the flawed AI, the magic, the purpose of it all, designed, not by Armok, but ... what? An echo ...

"Hey, Maddy. A dwarven caravan has arrived. They brought you another twelve months of your medication."
Elfbane! You have to listen, there are demons! Demons are coming, doom to all dwarves! I've heard voices, screaming from so far away. There were more. There were always more, there's no hope, we have to escape!
"I don't want to have to force these on you, but you know you're not controlled enough to lead your experiments without them."
No! You don't understand! I already know the answer, the barrier is easy! You'd love this, the drama, the scale of it all! The magic is OOMPH, get away, get off me! I'm not taking them, I can't risk it!
"... Okay, fine. Since I'm here, though, do you want any candy? Warla traded some of our cat meat for some. They're sugarfree blue pills."
Excuse me?! Are you calling me fat?!
"Uh, I meant, sugary blue pills."
Okay! Heeheehee, I'll have one! (Nom.) Uuuuuuuu ... you tricky bastard ... tell Bahl the barrier ... powered ... by ... p... (Thump.)

14th Limestone
I apologise to an future reviewers for the previous few months logs, I was not myself. From today I will be recording more concise and frequent logs; the slightest detail could, after all, prove vital for discovering the functional magic behind the barrier. Today, however, I shall be distracted by the dwarven merchants who have arrived at our depot. They have been waiting the night and there is some debate happening over whether to demand their goods for free. On one side, we need more important supplies than raw materials, and our science is for the benefit of all dwarfkind. Nonetheless it is questionable to deny them trade.

Cookie strongly believes we should demand them, believing his previous hardships deserve rewards. Surprisingly, Kibeth is strongly opposed to it, arguing dwarven loyalty should not be taken lightly. I tend to agree with Cookie. Like they deserve our trade, after all they did to me as a child. Teasing me about science. Said I should have been a miner. Parents hated me. What kind of dwarf hates microline, they said. Well I'll show them. I'll show them all, by SAVING them and we'll see who will be laughing then! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Ahem. My body is still reacting to the medication. We shall trade fairly, but I'm not sure what with. Elfbane, do you have any ideas?
"We may have few physical possessions of worth, but what worth are trinkets in the long run? We have skills, and legends in the making! Let's trade Bahl."
No.
"Aww. Well, I have heard rumours of two legendary mechanics selling trading their products to help trap the world. Syoan and Ivanor, I think their names where."
Syoan ... screaming, I ... Hmm, nevermind. We do have mechanisms made for traps, but only fifteen and they're low quality. Warla won't be able to trade them for much.
"Oh, I think she'll manage."
Warla: *Extreme dramatic anime-esch, five minute long, what-do-you-mean-it's-not-awesome posing, activating, juggling and presenting of -obsidian mechanism-* "LET'S TRADE."

24th Limestone
Our tame camel is, by the common definition of the word, a slut. She's given birth, and none of the wild camels have claimed ownership. To dwarven matters, it took some effort to convince my associates to bring the mechanisms to trade. First I disabled several stockpiles and forbid various items to no avail, only for Crystal to suggest I just ask everyone to stop hauling altogether. This worked*, and Warla was able to trade.

[*What Actually Happened - Crystaleyes: "You have tried, like, asking really nicely?" Maddy: "... Genius!" *kiss* Elfbane: "That was hot." Maddy: "Quiet, you."]

At first the mechanisms were too heavy for the already burdened caravans to carry, but Warla agreed to take a native gold block that weighed about as much as all the mechanisms combined. She also managed to bring away a rope (for tying up a watchdog outside), four barrels (two with ale), a few plump helmets and cat meat (Cookie has acquired a taste for it and has been eyeing our resident living feline hungrily), a caged horse and donkey, and a few cheap gems to decorate the sandcastle somewhat. Kibeth, Crystaleyes and myself are now bringing it inside, but my other associates have more important work to continue.

17th Sandstone
Twenty beds have been ordered made. Doors, cabinets and coffers will follow shortly. Even that is perhaps being optimistic, we have achieved little to attract dwarves into my laboratory yet. The merchants have left, chasing and killing two camels on their way. Recently Warla inquired if I had seen the liaison anywhere. I have not, but sent Bahl out to search for him. In fact, I should be getting back a response any ... Oh. Interesting. Reminder: Request wood, ale, cages, picks and an anvil when he eventually arrives.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df162.PNG)
(I later found his other shoe and sock on the very right hand side of the map.)

An Arbitrary Lengthy Period In The Life Of: Brutus, Animal Trainer

4th Timber
I'm early, it seems. The fortress is still HERE, if less developed and in far more of a mess than I recall, so I must only be a year or so off. Three dwarves were attempting to keep up with all the hauling, but the workplaces, uninstalled furniture and general mess was just piling up. Maddy was relieved when the other migrants and I arrived, if only because we could help carry crap everywhere. A few of us complained, but aside from Steinunn (who was ordered to craft stone trade goods) we were all assigned to clean up.

It feels strange working alongside all these dwarves to whom I am a stranger, yet I already know most of them well. I dare not tell them, for if they knew, they would steal this forbidden knowledge; time travel, of course. I came across the magic by accident when engraving patterns in walls elsewhere, and after many failures managed to send myself forward a few months. It felt wonderful, only for me to discover in my absence the chamber had been hacked out and stolen by some villainous miner. The design was underdeveloped, but in the wrong hands ... I had plans hidden elsewhere that I used to create a second chamber, this one rigged to collapse once used. With this I sent myself back in time to warn myself to never live under the mind of The Mad Scientist, where the idea truly began. Now I wait at the great sandcastle for my own arrival.

On the way I met up with the second wave of dwarves that Maddy recieved. Sarek, a sickly, paranoid bonecarver with occasional bouts of OCD. Steinunn, a female dwarf so dwarfy she's known to trip over her own beard. She's a brewer by trade, but learns stonecrafting soon. Warylon, an idealistic peasant with a knack for entertainment. He plans on learning metal smithing to support himself. Maggarg, an annoying, useless, thieving little trapper. Newb, an inexperienced swordsdwarf (currently an animal trainer) who enjoys battle and is willing to help clean up and tend the wounded afterward. Finally there's Hat, a simple, wise peasant who can't decide between confusing parables or harsh honesty. He's being taught masonry at the moment.

Oh yes, there's also some nameless and entirely unimportant hunter with us. He's been told to help Cookie farm.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df163.PNG)
(Not even SLIGHTLY relevant to the story, ever.)

20th Timber
Elfbane has convinced Maddy to form a military. Most of the dwarves aren't yet aware how much attention their experiments will draw, but Elfbane knows such important progress could never be kept a secret from the natives. We must arm ourselves before then. A handful of obsidian short swords are being made, as well as some wooden shields. A weapon rack is being placed outside to spar around. Kibeth has had some experience in swordplay, and will lead the recruits: Newb, Maggarg and myself.

1st Moonstone
Several walls are being built at the entrance to the sandcastle and the trade depot is being moved a little bit. Once it's finished there will be a ten by five area to channel invaders through that can be trapped and locked with floodgates if need be. Further outside, the military is ready and sparring is starting. I have been paired with Kibeth first and he's going to show me AAH MY FACE OH GOD GET THAT THING OUT OF MY CHEST!!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df164.PNG)
(Bad swordsdwarf, BAD. No weapons for you.)

19th Moonstone
Okay, all of us recruits are now at least competent in wrestling and have dabbled in shield use. Maddy has given us the swords back with a stern lecture bout careful use. The ground is being covered by blood splatters from small nicks and wounds, but we're starting to learn without any major dramas or accidental face stabbing. It seems empty outside, and I just realised why; Warla is so busy updating stockpile records that the trade depot hasn't been rebuilt yet.

28th Opal
When Maddy was drinking today she was struck by inspiration and rushed off to complete a new design. Not a strange mood, but an improbable invention that will shortly become more famous world round than anything else she ever achieves in this sandcastle; beer biscuits. Steinunn whole heartedly approved, what could be more dwarven than eating alcohol as well as drinking it?

While sparring today Maggarg was moderately wounded in his lower body and fell unconscious. He was carried into his bedroom and needs water brought to him, but we have no water sources. Which is somewhat ironic given THE OCEAN we're living next to. Thankfully (or unfortunately, given this is Maggarg we're talking about) Maddy dug up some old plans for a pump that can also desalinate water. Elfbane has been ordered to construct the components, and Bahl to channel water closer to our sandcastle, where it will be pumped into a separate dug out cistern. Bahl was very nervous about getting anywhere near water until Maddy reminded him of her First Law ... "Do the fuck what you're told", apparently. Somebody is bringing the watchdog back inside, since that rope is the only one we have to use in a well. Warla even took up her pickaxe without argument to speed the construction up.

2nd Obsidian
ARGH! ... can't breathe ... stabbed in throat ... corpse ... must ... warning ... self ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df165.PNG)
(Aha, this is about to get even more awkward!)

An Exert From The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

2nd Obsidian
"... I'm not sure who killed him, yet."
Hmm. Thank you, Warla, please resume digging. I shall have to disband the military until we have strong armour, or enough dwarves to experiment with that I can afford to lose a few. Yes, for now my plan shall be ... Warla? Warla! She's fallen in the channel, and the ocean water is rushing towards her. WARLA, DIG A STAIRCASE UP, the water won't rise any further except where we pump it, not that anyone has constructed that yet. WARLA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? Is something wrong down there, she should be out by now. I'm going to check now ... What the heck?! She's fallen asleep! WARLA, WAKE UP!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df166.PNG)
(Legendary dwarves are not supposed to do this.)

Oh god, the water is rising. It's up to her knees already and she's still sleeping. Where's Bahl? I don't even know and - wait. What's that? Hmm, that's interesting. I wonder if I dug another channel to direct it further southwards I could use that to regularly clean the barracks. What if I dug a separate channel underneath, could I fill that with water? I must set up a testing zone.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df167.PNG)
(This requires SCIENCE!)

IN THE NEXT EPISODE of A.D.A.B.B.S.L.S.T.O.A.M.F.S.O.D.F.A.D. this dramatic and slightly cruel cliffhanger will be thrillingly concluded, and there will also be fishing! Who killed Brutus? Is this the end of Warla and Maggarg? Will Kibeth catch a fish thiiiiiis big? STAY TUNED!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on December 25, 2008, 03:47:44 am

Pah, other Maggargs have endured far worse.
I was once strangled by my wife.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 25, 2008, 05:26:29 am

Oh for fucks sake. Thanks for the pointless story lengthener though. I enjoyed it.

Okay, new dwarf. Jim Jones. The new, the faceless, the totallygoingtodiethreesecondsin, glass maker!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 25, 2008, 06:02:12 am

Pointless story lengthener? Oh come on, it was an obvious excuse to have a younger Brutus show up again in the next migrant wave. But if you think it's that simple, you underestimate my ability to write horribly convoluted time travel paradoxes for no good reason whatsoever. ;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Jamini on December 26, 2008, 02:19:08 am

Wake up me! Wake up me! Hurry, before the waves of the ocean seal our
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*gasp*
...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
M.

*GASP*

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 26, 2008, 04:39:18 am

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on December 25, 2008, 06:02:12 am

Pointless story lengthener? Oh come on, it was an obvious excuse to have a younger Brutus show up again in the next migrant wave. But if you think it's that simple, you underestimate my ability to write horribly convoluted time travel paradoxes for no good reason whatsoever. ;D

Okay, Brutus comes back. nice to see you care. ;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {Best. And Least Workable. Sandcastle. Ever.}
Post by: Strife26 on December 26, 2008, 11:30:02 pm

Can I have another dwarf, please?
His name is (also) Strife, not the same one though (it's not like there isn't a million and a half Uristi).

A crossbower or any military dwarf'd be great, anything is fine though.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 27, 2008, 01:38:05 am

- CHAPTER THIRTY ONE: Merchants, Moods And Meh -

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

6th Obsidian
Ah, the delicious irony. It has been several days since Brutus's unexpected death, and the murderer has finally been caught. Warla had been questioning the living ex-recruits, but it was Sarek who accidentally overheard the culprit giggling to themselves over their first kill. It was not the experienced Kibeth or the heavily suspected even while wounded Maggarg, but Newb who killed Brutus. He claims he didn't know the throat was a bad place to aim for. I've been told by Maddy to keep a careful eye on Kibeth over the next few days, but Newb is being lot off this time.

Oh, and it took waist deep ocean water (and probably a fish up her skirt) to do it, but Warla finally woke up. She then calmly dug her way out of the channel like nothing had happened. Maggarg is still yelling for water, about every ten seconds. Secretly, I wish he would just die quietly.

10th Obsidian
The trade depot has been reconstructed, so we don't have to worry about missed trade anymore. That is important, but ... I mean I know none of us are any more than passing acquaintances to him ... I think I'm going to have a word with Warla about designing that well. I'm fine without another death foreshadowing our internal strife or something.

14th Obsidian
A few dwarves have nearly finished constructing the well, only to find that we apparently don't have any rope free to use. That clearly wasn't right. Warla consulted the stock records to find that yes, we do have a rope, but whoever brought the watchdog back inside forgot to take the rope off the dog first. It's tied around the torso of a puppy somewhere. Maddy ordered the rope dumped, but none of the idle dwarves had any idea how to untie the horribly convoluted knots that had been used. At this point Maggarg is dehydrating. Maddy irritably came out from designing her latest half crazed invention to yell to Bahl something about "killmode".

25th Obsidian
The puppy was struck down. The rope was retrieved. The well was completed. Hat rushed to the well, carrying an empty bucket. But by the time anyone reached Maggarg's room, alas, it was all useless ...

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df168.PNG)
(That son of a bitch healed JUST in time to casually save himself. LOL.)

13th Granite
Without sparring to keep him occupied, Kibeth has grown restless from just hauling lately. In his spare time he started fishing from the channel that was dug towards the well. After quickly catching several meals worth of fish, and seeing the farming plots suspiciously empty, Maddy allowed Kibeth to begin fishing full time. (Warla also reorganised a few labors so the farm work was done, thankfully I was spared either tedium!) Maggarg was thrown out to clean the catches, but promptly went on break. Maddy has also been experimenting with the waves, and came back today with the SHOCKING conclusion that water will, in fact, fill channels. Steinunn pleaded with Warla for hours to construct a trap that would let us drown elves using only the power of nature.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df169.PNG)
(Sadly, there are no elves nearby this fortress, so he was refused. :()

5th Slate
Maddy has started trapping the castle entrance. When they're all constructed there will be two rows (ten traps total) of cage traps, two rows of weapon traps and six rows of simple stone fall traps. Warla started churning out mechanisms again, but is kind of disapointed that nothing more epic is being made. Well, as the dwarven saying goes, you have to wear kitten armour before you can survive to wear carp. Steinunn has started creating more obsidian short swords for the traps, but after everything I've been making we don't have much wood left.

9th Slate
Migrants! No measly eight volunteers this time, the population of our sandcastle has over doubled from the dwarves streaming inside to participate in Maddy's experiments. Mind you, two are children and most will be learning new professions. Still, with this many hands, we might finally have the spare time to actually DO things instead of just hauling stuff over the place! Today is a new day, a fresh start for this not quite glorious but damn it we're getting there sandhole! Even Maggarg is getting a little bit into the mood, even if only by smiling when he steals fish from our hands. Maddy's cackling laughter of "It's working! Exactly as planned! We have finally have blessed, blessed IDLERS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Let's dance!" is a bit worrying, I think she may have lost her meds.

Our total population is now thirty six, including among the number ... Brutus?! When he showed up everybody rushed him, asking what was going on. Brutus was a bit timid at first, but gave us explanation almost too awesome to be true: Once some time ago (for him) he arrived at this sandcastle to find himself dead with nobody knowing why. He worked under Maddy for a short time before leaving for less awkward fortresses. Some time later Brutus stumbled across a chamber engraved with some symbols he remembered learning and experimenting with while in the sandcastle, but many he didn't, all in his unique engraving style. He tried using the chamber to travel backwards to find out why he died, but being unfamiliar broke it in the process. It was then he realised he must died at the fortress trying to stop himself from inventing the device that was stolen ... but that he now knew was only taken by himself. Brutus was aghast he had arrived too late to save himself, and has now vowed to work here as long as it takes to be inspired with the knowledge to create a new time travel chamber.

That's confusing. I love it! Anyway, we mostly have enough furniture for the migrants, so it's install-your-own-bedroom night in the sandcastle! Bahl, Hat and myself are producing the rest, so the weapons traps have been put on hold until we have more wood. There are also kittens running around, and this scares me. We only have one cat. What was it that Maddy told Bahl again? Oh right, KILLMODE.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df170.PNG)
(It looks almost busy now!)

27th Felsite
The spirits of legendary dwarves have finally deemed our sandcastle worthy of their attention! The first to be blessed was Cookie, who was take by a fey mood and rushed off to the craftdwarf's workshop. At roughly the same time, Maddy created her first masterpiece mechanism. Built from obsidian, Warla has estimated the value of it at over one thousand. Cookie grabbed several of our last wood logs and some cat leather that ... I didn't even know we HAD, I guess one of the migrants made it when we killed those kittens, huh. The end result was kind of letdown though, and we're never going to have much need for a legendary woodcarver either. Cookie just sighed, mumbled something about the fates hating him, and went back to farming.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df171.PNG)
(The Delight of Gills? Made from a cat? Really?)

Sarek has started decorating furniture with the leftover bones from fishing. It does increase their value, but Sarek nearly had a fit when he ran out and realised the furniture was unevenly decorated. He had to spend several days carefully arranging our stone trade goods closed to the depot before he calmed down.

A Week(ish) In The Life Of: Warla, Miner

16th Hematite
Human merchants have arrived, and it's mostly up to the migrants to start carrying everything out to trade. I'll be trading a few valuable mechanisms (high quality or decorated), a large number of cheap stone crafts, most of our wine roast (cooked using the same method as Maddy's original beer biscuits), that nameless hunter's bolts and the clothing of the first Brutus. Waylon offered to trade entertainment for goods, but backed down when he realised the third wave of roaring laughter from the merchants wasn't with him.

18th Hematite
A snatcher! Given the number of guards the merchants travel with, this can only mean one thing: more free clothing to trade.

21st Hematite
It's started raining, and I'm already tired of hearing complaints from the haulers caught in the rain. Apparently I am the go-to dwarf when Maddy is in her more eccentric moods. Despite my better judgment I agreed to construct a roof over the depot in the future. Perhaps I'll rig it to collapse on command, if only to improve negotiations from my end.

24th Hematite
I have completed negotiations with this caravan, and dwarves are bringing the goods inside as I speak. The value of our goods was slightly over nine thousand, although why Maggarg kept screaming that I cannot fathom. We acquired a large number of wooden logs, two more ropes (a puppy was ordered tied outside), four cages with one dog and donkey, three barrels, one pick, eight or so leather bins (for cheap armour and perhaps decoration later) and two anvils (these will probably remain unused until we find magma). These were worth far less than our goods, so I took our best mechanisms and roasts back. The merchants looked so sad that on Hat's encouragement I offered the wine roast for free. After a free sampler, they'll come running back to buy more next year ...

I haven't met their liaison yet, but these are what I intend to request when I do: Wood, weapons (for further traps, of course), picks, barrels, and alcohol, of which it is a proven fact you can never have too much.

A Day (Technically) In The Life Of: Kibeth, Fisherdwarf

20th Limestone
Yarr, it has been a good few months in this sandcastle. One of one children has already grown a pair and started laboring like the rest of us. Elfbane threw a long party at the microline statue once the merchants had left, but only a few dwarves bothered to show up. While Elfbane was distracted Maddy ordered the majority of the wood used in the creation of obsidian short swords to finish our trapped entryway. At least a few will be kept aside, as Maddy is intent on starting the military up again to free this sandcastle from the threat of those wretched gremlins that the rest of us had pretty much forgotten about. Armour is being made, along with waterskins and the like, but they're not finished yet. The fact that nobody has bothered to bring in the leather bins might be helping that, yarr.

Two of our puppies have grown into dogs, and were trained into war dogs. Crystal was heard crying over their loss of innocence, the wimp. Wimpess. Whatever. Dwarven merchants arrived this month. Warla manged to trade a few totems, mechanisms, roasts and silk goblin clothes for a moderate amount of wood, a few cages and animals, barrels, booze, two picks, and some more leather. Fishing has been good lately, although I still wish for stronger foes to gut, yarr. There is one other dwarf fishing and three or four who clean the fish out from two fisheries when needs be. The catch is good, and Cookie's fish roasts are tasty.

... I ... I have just had the best idea ever, yarr. Out of my way, useless haulers! Fuck your swords, that workshop is MINE! Tanned hides, I need tanned hides! And one of you bastards bring me some shells, I NEED SHELLS RIGHT FUCKING NOW! What do you mean we don't have any, screw that. Yes I'm aware there aren't any turtles or anything nearby, just GET ME SOME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GOING TO GO BERSERK AND STAB YOUR MILITARYLESS SANDCASTLE TO DEATH!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df172.PNG)
(That is exactly what the game said. Do not question this.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 27, 2008, 01:46:48 am

I'd already written that when I saw the request, but I'll dwarf Strife as one of the new recruits in the next chapter!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 28, 2008, 02:07:51 am

I would question you, but you would probably kill Brutus again.

(By the way, how did you do that? Not saying that you did though. But how exactly.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 28, 2008, 03:15:57 am

Quote from: Jackrabbit on December 28, 2008, 02:07:51 am

(By the way, how did you do that? Not saying that you did though. But how exactly.)

First, I took a screenshot of Kibeth's demands. Then, I opened up MS Paint ... ;)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 28, 2008, 03:24:54 am

:( That never works for me... Stupid color problems.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on December 28, 2008, 03:37:49 am

- CHAPTER THIRTY TWO: It Begins ... ("It" Is Fun Battles!) -

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

21st Limestone
"... then FIND them, and start taking complaints yourself!" (Fading footsteps.)

Eeeeee, Warla is scary when she's being regarded as my secretary. I can't help it if the other dwarves are reluctant to approach me, I mean, it's not my fault none of the voices will speak to THEM. Anyway, she said something about rain? I'll tell Bahl, Hat and a few others to build a roof over the traps and depot. First I'll need to put a staircase up, since it's a loooooong way around with the natural slopes were dug out. It's a little bit risky since gremlins could sneak in or something but it won't take long and I'll take them down afterwards and I'm sure it'll be fine.

Oh yeah, I just remembered. Gotta lock Kibeth in his workshop before he snaps and starts killing people for shells. And they call ME mad? AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA what. It's funny.

25th Limestone
Goblins! They've killed our watchdog and are heading towards our vulnerable fortress! THIS SHOULD SURPRISE NOBODY. Warla, you're working right next to the lever, pull it! Keep those bastard third cousins to the gremlins out! This isn't right, we had a peace, well not-stab-each-other treaty with the goblins. What happened to the hugs?! Why the stabby faces?! Oh god they're coming around to enter via the staircase. BREAK IT DOWN! ... Waylon, stop trying to rap, this is serious.

27th Limestone
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df173.PNG)
(I still think that's a lot of greenery for a "desert".)

The staircase is down, and the goblins are stuck outside. This is good. This is OH SHIT ARROWS EVERYBODY GET INSIDE! (Pew, pew, pew.) The shooting as stopped, I think he's out of ammo. Or lulling us into a false sense of security. Or ... both. Ahahaha. NO. Get a hold of yourself Maddy. Damn it, where did I put my medication anyway? Forget it. CRYSTALEYES. Status report, go!
"Uh, we're, like, okay I think? One or three of the merchant guards were hurt, but, like, they have armor and stuff so they'll be fine. Um, a wardog is really badly wounded. OMIGOSH, there's a dwarf body out there! Ewewew! The liaison was killed!"
Uh, heh, good things dwarves don't siege. I kind of forgot the merchants were even still out there. Warla, open the bridge! ... The goblins aren't attacking. Unusual. Uh, I guess somebody can go back outside to get that body before it rots.
"Um, Mad Scientist, I think one of them is sneaking around the other way."
... What? AAAAHH! Back inside, back inside! Let the guards deal with it!
"Oh GROSS, right in the water supply, MEGA ICKY!"

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df174.PNG)
(Meanwhile, Sarek has a panic attack and Brutus struggles with himself not to spoil the ambush's outcome.)

Hey, listen! You guards! Yeah, I'm talking to you. You had better-
"Um, Mad Scientist, that's a microline statue."
Right. I knew that. Hey guards! NOW I'm talking to you. At least one of you dwarves have a crossbow and they're out of ammo, why don't you shoot back or something?! (Counter-pew, pew, pew.) Thank you. NEWB. Status report, now!
"But I'm, like, right here and everything! Ahem, there is like only one totally wounded goblin left alive."
Quiet, Crystal, I'm waiting for Newb to ... Wait, where is Newb? Oh forget it. Let's just get our goods inside and hope the blood attracted more fish to catch.

8th Sandstone
Oh, there is he is. Hey everyone, you can start looting those silk gloves and whatever now. And get back to work on that roof. I want it strong, and I want it sturdy, and I want it white. Save that obsidian for trade goods or furniture or AUTOMATIC GOBLIN STABBING MACHINES. "Weapon traps", if you will.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df175.PNG)
(And Newb takes a second kill home FTW, now with less own goals!)

16th Sandstone
... Warla. Was that injured wardog just killed by one of your own traps?
"Yes."
Hmm. Okay, carry on.

19th Sandstone
WHEEEEEE, PARTY AT THE MICROLINE STATUUUUUUEEE! Warla, you're invited! Cookie, Crystal, and ... and ... whatever the names of you other dwarves are! Oh sure Urist, you can come if you want, I mean, I did invent a better party than you. Heeheeheeheehee.

7th Timber
Kibeth has finally broken down and gone insane. He's crawling and babbling and scaring our child. And Crystal. And Sarek. And Cookie, remembering his own mood. The only thing that's more scary than Kibeth is that cat. Ever since we killed those kittens it's been a war path. Jumping out of bins to scratch faces, lurking suspiciously by levers, leaving hairs ALL OVER the place. Once it caught me looking at it, and I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to do evil. Luckily the voices have already warned me to bide my time, so the cat just hissed and strode away.

Hey you know what we need? More doors. Doors everywhere! Hat! DOOR EVERYTHING.
"I am afraid I can't do that, Maddy. Many of our entryways are too wide to place doors across."
Well, well, at least door all the workshops! That created wealth doesn't come from nowhere, you know. Where.
"Of course."
OKAY! Good. Yes. Now. Right. Military. This time I shall ensure all recruits are trained in wrestling for a longer period of time, let's say until they hit elite level, and will also have full leather body armour. I'll order them to carry food and water with them at all times, and kill any wildlife that gets too close. Newb has made two kills, technically, so I'll let him take command. Also drafted into the Thorns of Creation will be Maggarg, a bored planter I'm informed is named Strife, and ... that other planter, who was a hunter? Came with the first migrants, I think? Whatever. Go spar. And Newb? No choking.

Hmm. I think I'll start putting those weapon traps together now. Four obsidian short swords in each, and whatever few other weapons we've picked up.

16th Moonstone
Krrk, this is The Mad Scientist to Voice Log, come in Voice Log. Maggarg has reached elite status, I repeat, Maggarg is an elite wrestler. Requesting permission to grant swords? DENIED, not until the others are better at dodging. Experiments into the subduing of Maggarg have all failed, he is refusing to train under Newb. Fine. Maggarg, you can lead the military for all of a few weeks. Hey Newb. Remember that part about not choking? I take it back, RIP OUT MAGGARG'S THROAT FOR GREAT JUSTICE.

Also, some random metalcrafter with a pick found opals. Luckily he decided to leave it to Bahl to dig them out, although we already lost some obsidian to his clumsy hacking. It's not that I can't just have more dug out, it's that we have to walk even further to carry it back to the fortress. We can't dig south because there is sand everywhere. We can't dig up because there is, uh, air. We can't dig down YET because there's a aquifer YET. Just you wait until the military is trained and then I'll show those gremlins who is the boss and who has swords. Actually, uh, Newb, you'd actually better hold back on the choking for a bit longer.

26th Moonstone
Damn it Armok, this is a DESERT. It is not supposed to RAIN here.

Two Weeks, Two Days, Five Hours, Forty Seven Minutes And Twelve Point Zero Five Seconds In The Life Of: Newb, Combat Medic

3rd Opal
omg wtf there are moar goblins outside from wherever lol... there goes nother puppy!!!1! warla pull a lever and the brdige retracts and the goblins stuck rofl. goblins yelling something about dawrvesn relesing grate evil must punish dwarves or something dunno wtf their on about. kibeth died and he fuckin stinks somebody open the door and put the copr se away or somethinbg. the catll eat it i bet. maddy laem wont let us fight. were msotly elite and we have sowrds!!!!! they have wimpy whip and no ranged or anything i think theyr gary lolwut i mean GAY HOMO FAG RAAAAAR HOMOPHOBIA WCAPS LOCK POWER FTW11111111111

yay we get to fight now. go get swords xp gain time i call dibs on the tresure drops. after while i mean we hasd to like drink and stuff were ready to fight exc=pt that exhunter dwarf zzzzzing bt moar xp for us lol.

13th Opal
bridgd get opej now and we attack llike leeroy jenkins but we arent newbs lol wait.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df176.PNG)
(I am truly sorry, but if it's any consolation, typing this is hurting me just as much as it should you.)

PWNED woot! all the gobbos dead and none of us even were even scratchedwe just owned that much roflwaffle. to celebreat we go chase camels but they'r etoo fast to catch and stsabby D: imma go by myself and see if i can uhoh wtf WHERE R MY TEAM????? omg u all suck

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df177.PNG)
(This was probably destined ever since I named a recruit "Newb".)

MARTIAL TRANCE PWOER GO stab stab stbat stab stbast sbta bastb stab stba rtsb tabs stab stabsstab wooooo total rout no scratches! pft so exhunter helped chase them of but still all me really. lol at strife chasing camels on the other side of teh map. he tries to come bak and spar but just get distracted by more cmales. heh wat a nooby good thing he have food him or wat

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df178.PNG)
(Song Flydeer? I think Newb just killed Santa.)

A Day In The Life Of: Steinunn, Stonecrafter

18th Opal
OUT OF THE WAY YOU STUBBY BASTARDS the spirit of a legendary dwarf has chosen me to craft his final artifact! By my possessed hands our pathetic sandcastle shall be adorned by dwarven greatness!
"Um, I, um, wouldn't shout that so loudly if I were you."
Shut up, Brutus and fetch me obsidian! FUCK Kibeth, all I need for my crafts is PURE ROCK. Now that's dwarfy!
"Aha, yes, it's right here ..."
Alright. Legendary craftsdwarf of the past, use my hands well for your genius! (Be gentle with me.)

Wha ... what is this crap?! An earing?!
"I, um, tried to warn you."
No, look! This is very dwarfy. It ... it MENACES with that spike. "Blowntwinkle" is, uh, a euphemism for rough sex. It ohgodit'snotmyfaultIwaspossessediamreallydwarfysweartoArmok.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on December 28, 2008, 03:57:10 am

That bastard counter strike player killed Brutus! I demand redemption despite having been told this earlier and doing nothing!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Boksi on December 28, 2008, 10:45:20 am

Fortunately for me, I wasn't drinking anything while reading that update ;D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Ririka on December 28, 2008, 12:22:07 pm

Your stories are so hilarious.;D Could I have a dwarf?
Name: Rika
Gender: Female
Occupation: Any military

And Newb's ..."diary" reminds me of myself when I couldn't write English very well... :(

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on December 28, 2008, 07:24:00 pm

Sheesh.
I wonder how embarassed Newb is.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 03, 2009, 08:34:13 am

- CHAPTER THIRTY THREE: Gs Are Wimps -

A Does It Even Matter Really In The Life Of: Strife, Elite Wrestler

3rd Obsidian
Get back here you retarded camels! Don't think I'm not going to catch you, I see the light wounds and splatter of blood behind us. If I can stab you once, I can stab you again. You can't run forever, I'll corner you bastards in the corner of the map if I have to. Our sandcastle will dine on camel roast tonight, mark my words.

8th Obsidian
*puff* *pant* I ... think I need a rest ... from chasing camels. Screw it, I can kill camels later. I need to head back to the fortress to sleep before I trip over a boulder and they eat me or something. AHA! Another camel nearby! I lulled you into a false sense of security, you stupid beast! Get back here so I can stab you!

Alright, I ... may be lost at this point.

10th Obsidian
There it is! The constructed roof over the entryway! I can see our sandcastle in sight, finally! But ... how long have I been gone? If I come back empty handed it's going to be so embarrassing and, damn it, I WILL catch this camel! Don't think running away from the sandcastle again will save you!

17th Obsidian
"STRIFE! You came back, you love us after all! Aww."
Shut up, Waylon. I'll have you know I zzzzzzzzzzzz

24th Obsidian
Alright, those fucking camels are going to PAY for making a fool out of me. I am going to make them wish they were never spawned. So what if they're too fast for me to actually catch with this sword, I'll have those stupid beasts caught and slaughter in a confined room somewhere. As I speak, Maddy and several other mechanics are installing half a dozen cage traps above and to the east of our fortress, and another three to the north west where I've seen some wander before. The animal/cage storage is being upgraded to a DEATH MATCH ARENA, which means it now has doors and a lever outside to release camels to their doom. Heh heh heh.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df179.PNG)
(The finished traps blend in very well with all the plants ...)

Warla: "You DO realise this is a stupid idea, a waste of resources, and probably isn't going to work anyway."
Maddy: "Do I look like I'm sane enough to care? Strife will have his camel kill! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
Warla: "I swear, if you don't find and start taking your pills I'm going to hand control of this laboratory over to Crystaleyes."
Maddy: "I told you, the gremlins stole them!"
Warla: "Find them. The gremlins have never left their cave, the cat is being kept under close watch since it castrated Cookie and and there is no dwarf in this fortress or elsewhere with any motive to see its leadership and goals fall."

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

10th Granite
Hello.

Yes, it was I who stole away The Mad Scientist's medication shortly after my arrival. I came with the first group of migrants, under the disguise of a hunter. Even gender is easy to conceal, for a dwarf. The goblin siege may have fled their sacred site when we unleashed what we did, but there will be others hunting for those responsible, myself particularly. The Council will be looking as well, I suppose. Another failed attempt to escape the island from a lonely beach seemed the perfect place to hide, but seeing Maddy ... Ah, she shows promise. Her mind is raw genius, wild and misplaced. The medication keeps it tamed, but I had to see it unleashed to appreciate the full extent. I may have just saved The Tax Collector part of his search, but that is for later. For now I must bide my time and let suspicions, accusations and a few literal evils do their work.

Brutus is an interesting dwarf, too. His tales of time travel sound somewhat unlikely at best, but I shall have a mook keep an eye on him. A leatherworker recently gave birth to his son, but there was some amusement to be had when she wasn't sure which Brutus was the father. The timing would suggest our more recent visitor. Speaking of visitors, seeing that Fluffy of all animals had survived and arrived here before me was interesting. Lately Fluffy has just been a furious, but mild, nuisance to these dwarves, but I wonder if there is more to that cat than meets the eye ... Ah, I doubt it. Now I must return to sparring. I dislike being a mere frontline bitplayer, but I will do what I must to keep Maddy alive for the moment.

17th Granite
Another goblin ambush has been sprung, this time led by a rogue human. Their appearance has disconcerted most of the dwarves here, although Maddy seemed unsurprised that foes would come to "steal his genius" and Elfbane is actually enjoying the danger, hmm. By the time the attack was spotted it was too late to trap them all outside by closing the bridge, but at least nobody was far outside installing the camel traps at the time. Newb and I were in the barracks sparring, while Strife was recovering from a light sparring wound and Maggarg was lurking inside doing nothing. None of the invaders had ranged weaponry, so I immediately attacked. Strife and I, and Maggarg when he finally arrived, surrounded the single human while the goblins wisely fled. When the human fell we gave chase, but most escaped. At the end of the battle for the first time we were actually LESS wounded than before it began as a few of my scratches from sparring had healed.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df180.PNG)
(Yawn, another trivial battle.)

Now, of course, any free haulers are outside carrying armour and weapons away to trade later. I believe one found a single high boot worth nine hundred value. A snatcher was chased away by nearby camels, but to Strife's disappointment none wandered into the traps that had been finished. Warla has decided to move several of them, probably lending her mind in the hopes of having this pointless business over sooner.

24th Granite
I, of course, have learned to expect this but the dwarves here are still new to conflict, and I would not risk my cover to advise them. As a result, when the inevitable second ambush struck several haulers were left vulnerable outside, fleeing for their lives while the Maggarg and I waited for Newb to finish whatever exactly he was doing at the time.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df181.PNG)
(See Brutus. See Brutus run. Run, Brutus, run!)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df182.PNG)
(Eeeeeep!)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df183.PNG)
(Sigh of relief.)

Brutus was the last inside, narrowly escaping after the goblin chasing him triggered a stone fall trap. Newb ran out alone and, unsurprisingly by this point, managed to fight off the majority of the invaders by himself. Brutus watched from just inside, and I overheard him mutter something about revenge as Maggarg and I walked out to chase the last few off. If I'm not mistaken, this makes eighteen notable kills by Newb compared to the one by myself, one from strife, and from Maggarg ... none. Demonstrating Maddy's capacity for learning, she did wait until I had chased off possibly the same snatcher and made sure no further ambushes were nearby before allowing everyone outside to collect goods for trading. It makes me wonder why she bothers ordering obsidian crafts at all, compared to the more valuable silk and iron clothing we're now collecting.

11th Slate
The next group of volunteers as arrived, twenty dwarves in total. We have a few spare beds and logs, but not enough for most of them. Coincidentally, a few of the migrants have useful skills, but not most of them. You can probably imagine how the last few bedrooms were allocated. There were a few animals too, including another cat. If she starts breeding with Fluffy, we may have a problem. A shame tame vermin wouldn't distract them, or the trappers might have jobs after all.

With the number of dwarves that require managing, Crystaleyes announced herself mayor. Maddy was too distracted by planning an attack on the caves to say no, so I suspect this sandcastle may now be "like, doomed".

20th Slate
A leatherworker has withdrawn from society, muttering about metal bars. Whether he finds any or not will likely depend on when the next merchants arrive. A tanner had a child. Crystaleyes is proving problematic. She's mandated the construction of a grate, a triviality, but is also complaining to Warla about not having reasonable quality chambers. The latest migrants, still without any bedrooms, were not overly impressed when ordered to start constructing the first noble chamber for Crystaleyes. She's also demanded she be called "Princess Crystal", which has by and large been ignored.

And now, it's time for ...
A.D.A.B. The Movie, as directed by Elfbane Chaotika

1st Felsite - Warla's Office
Maddy: "It is time. Their antics have gone on long enough. I will not have my fortress fall victim to their trickery any longer!"
Newb: "*Gasp* But sir, it is far too soon, they're not ..."
Maddy: "DAMN IT NEWB, WE HAVE NO CHOICE!"
Warla: "Maddy, they've never even left their cave. Nothing has happened."
Maddy: "Oh god, they've already gotten to you too ...!"
Warla: "I have no idea what you MEEEAAAN!" *Pulls pick-axe out of hammerspace and attacks Maddy*
Newb: *Counters* "Maddy, run! Have Bahl dig an entrance tunnel from east of the barracks! Cage trap the exit so that nothing can sneak out!"
Maddy: "NEWB! I won't go on without you!"
Newb: "Forget about me! Strife is wounded but Maggarg and the exhunter are more than enough! Just get out of here while you still can! GO!"

6th Felsite - Outside the Cavern
Maggarg: "But what are we even fighting? What are we even fighting FOR? I won't lose my life for that madwoman's fantasy!"
Ruins: "This is treason!"
Maggarg: "I know what this is. But there could be anything down there, and with Strife down are you really willing to trust our lives to NEWB?"
Ruins: "... Hmm. We have become sanddwellers indeed."
????: "Dwarves! You sound afraid. Maybe you shall fall, but there will always be another dwarf to bury you and continue the fight. I will not allow dwarven honor tarnished on my watch. If you will not fight, than I shall! TO THE HUNT!"
Maggarg: "Who the ...?"
Rika Savagetool, female Ranger: *Runs into the cave*
Maggarg: "... *drool*"
Ruins: "Hey, get out of there, it's not safe!"

8th Felsite - Gremlin Cavern, Middle Level
*Drip, drip, drip of aquifer*
Newb: "Weak. Cowards. Defeating these gremlins has been easy. Almost too easy ..."
Ruins: "Hmm. What do you think, Maggarg?"
Maggarg: "..."
Ruins: "Maggarg? Maggarg! Newb, I think Maggarg has disapeared!"
Newb: "He's probably just refilling his waterskin or something, right? ... Right?"

9th Felsite - Gremlin Cavern, Upper Level
Newb: "Tell us what you know!"
Gremlin: "Hss, never! The boss will get you yet, heheheh!" *Stabbed*
Ruins: "Boss? But then, somebody must have been controlling these gremlins all along!"
Newb: "But who would do that? What would they hope to gain from all this?!"
Sarek: "Bones bones bones bones bones ..."
Newb: "SAREK! What are you doing ... Brutus?! Some glassmaker?!"
Brutus: "Aha. We meet again, Newb. But this time, it shall be I that-"
Newb: "This is no time for your petty grudges, don't you realise this cave IS STILL OCCUPIED."
Brutus: "But there's refuse and it's inside and ... oh god what has Maddy done."

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df184.PNG)
(Those haulers are seriously ruining the atmosphere.)

10th Felsite - Gremlin Cavern, Final Chamber
Equuyi: "So, we meet at last ... dwarves."
Ruins: "We won't let you get away with this!"
Equuyi: "Get away with what? I have done nothing! You have invaded my caves, killed my friends, and why? The fantasies of a madwoman! It is you, dwarves, who cannot be allowed to live any longer. I am Equuyi, and I AM JUSTICE!"
Newb: "Justice? Justice?! I'll tell you what you've done. You've inspired fear and paranoia into our castle. You've spread lies and secrets to the goblins who would attack us. You've guarded our only passage through this aquifer, and to our stone heritage! WE only want to escape this land, and YOU would doom that before it begins. NOW EQUUYI YOU SHOULD PERISH!"
Ruins: "THIS IS FOR THE FIRST BRUTUS!"
Equuyi: "GRRROOOAAARRR!"
Maggarg: "Eep, I just crapped myself."

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df185.PNG)
(*Dramatic Chord*)

IN THE NEXT EPISODE of A.D.A.B.B.S.L.S.T.O.A.M.F.S.O.D.F.A.D. the ultimate battle between the dwarves and the giant begins! But would the author really leave you all on another cliffhanger after this long between chapters? Do the dwarves win the battle without taking a single scratch again? Was there really ever any doubt? STAY TUNED!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jim Groovester on January 03, 2009, 12:37:44 pm

OneMoreNameless, I enjoy your stories quite a bit, especially the character diaries. Those are excellent.

I'd like to request a dwarf.

Name: Kodak
Profession: Anything noisy.
Description: Ever since arriving at the fortress, he has heard at the back of his mind, a barely noticeable guitar tune. Hearing it infinitely repeat is driving him mad.

Picture jokes are welcome, and expected!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Frelock on January 03, 2009, 04:43:32 pm

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on January 03, 2009, 08:34:13 am

...the cat is being kept under close watch since it castrated Cookie...
...Lately Fluffy has just been a furious, but mild, nuisance to these dwarves...

Of course, any misfortune suffered by Cookie is merely a mild nuisance. The fates really do hate him. I hope he falls in love and has a kid, just to screw around some more with dwarven anatomy and physiology.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 04, 2009, 11:05:24 pm

Oops! I read the update at night and forgot to comment!

It fits this Strife's personality perfectly.

Strife: "I wonder what would happen if I were to throw my weapon at the camel . . ."

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 05, 2009, 09:12:01 am

- CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR: Hi Ho, Hi Ho! -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

10th Felsite
Despite our easy claiming of the caves and defeat of the giant, the sandcastle has once again fallen into great danger through the carelessness of dwarves. Once Maddy received the confirmation of Uquuyi's death she ordered a faster route dug into the cave, from our previous animal storage room. Only several hours later did it suddenly occur to Maddy (with a small amount of prodding from Warla) that the cave was also accessible from the surface, and thus our entire defences had just been rendered meaningless. Maddy then fainted in a panic, only for Warla to find detailed instructions on sealing the area scrawled on a piece of paper steps away. Warla and several others quickly began removing the slopes up to the surface while doors were installed around the area and the mooks began hauling stone ready for roofing off the top. We can only hope there are no ambushes until it is finished.

21st Felsite
... Hmm, I can only assume that not even Fate herself is paying much attention to this sandcastle. Even with half of our masoners partying with Elfbane, again, the closest thing to hostility lately is a camel finally being caught in a cage trap. Strife is still resting in bed, so I would be unsurprised if Newb decided to "steal" that kill as well. The animal storage room is rather busy at the moment, so the caged beast is being hooked up to a lever in one of the empty workshop rooms.

1st Hematite
A second camel was caught and the cage installed next to the first. Maddy has gleefully finished hooking them both up, and yelled to the military that they're on duty by the cage. I can hear most of them running down the corridors now, each determined to receive the easy experience. Naturally as they are doing so, a third camel was caught. The repositioned traps do seem to rather effective at that, at least. A pity ambushes take different paths and that our entrance is so wide. I could do with interrogating a few prisoners. It is difficult to contact my mooks here without breaking cover, and I need to know before any real dangers approach us. That, and The Tax Collector's judgment of Maddy's chance of success. Too high, and she could prove a problem. The Tax Collector might think to send a goblin with a coded message to be captured. Perhaps a migrant. Perhaps I cannot trust him and all is lost.

Ah, but enough of that. The race is over, and the winner should surprise nobody.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df186.PNG)
(Other points of interest include a big steaming pile of gremlin entrails. Mmm-MMmmmm!)

5th Hematite
The roof has been completed, and our sandcastle should now be safe from anything that isn't a strong ocean wave.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df187.PNG)
(Nothing to see here, move along.)

Crystal has mandated the construction of toy hammers, for our few children apparently. Steinunn has grudgingly begun constructing random stone toys in the hope of accidentally crafting hammer. She claims that someone has dwarfy as her has trouble telling apart such useless items as toys, and that all children really need is a good old pick.

Concerning real weapons, Maddy has announced her plan to start a second military squad. While our current four may be strong, all it takes is a few sparring accidents and thirst and we could all be out of action when the need arises. Doubling our numbers to eight reduces the risk. More leather armour is being produced now, and the recruits will begin sparring when it is ready. Brutus was the first to volunteer, determined to show up and perhaps even have revenge on Newb. Rika followed shortly after, idealistically hoping to protect the true dwarven cause or some nonsense. Some time later a trapper and a thresher were reluctantly picked out to join them.

7th Hematite
The leatherworker finally went insane today, freeing up the second workshop for creating the new squad's armour. Maddy has been surveying the empty caves over the last few days, and ordered a faster path down through them dug where the tunnels overlapped. Digging has begun into stone, and I have never seen any dwarves look so pleased to strike rhyolite. Some of the stone was damp, but Maddy assured the miners it was just from the level above and would be no problem to dig out.

11th Hematite
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df188.PNG)
(Uh, WHOOPS.)

Hmm. Well, at least it's not flooding any higher levels. Once the miners had fled the area Maddy ordered them to just dig down again, slightly to the right where the stone had been dry and straight down another level. From there they could begin digging a long, two dwarf wide tunnel to the general whereabouts of the magma known to be here.

Meanwhile, Maggarg has somehow achieved legendary status in wrestling, still without a single kill of any kind. Newb is rather irate.

14th Hematite
Human merchants have arrived, oblivious or maintaining the pretense as such to the recent attacks. When Crystal announced her intent to demand the merchants lavish her with gifts befitting a princess the Steinnunn finally snapped and roused the dwarves to depose her. An election was held for the mayor, but with so many dwarves running ("Elfbane for an exciting future!", "Steinunn; she's a dwarf's dwarf.", "Brutus KNOWS he's going to win, so you might as well vote him." etc.) the winner and only dwarf with more than one vote was some peasant nobody really knew. After a careful recount, the peasant's extra two votes seemed to have come from a snickering Fluffy and his new mate. Crystal burst into tears and went to have a drink, only to find that we were entirely out of booze, with no spare barrels, even though eight were supposed to be held in reserve. After that everybody burst into tears before remembering the merchants outside and begining to haul narrow armour and obsidian crafts outside.

Seeing five caged camels sitting around pointlessly, Warla also began taking apart all the cage traps to reuse their components more usefully elsewhere.

23rd Hematite
Over the last week or so Bahl has announced several times that he has located additional sources of microline. Out of irritation, or perhaps just a desire to kill a tired running joke before it started again, Maddy today ripped the speakers from Bahl and threw them in the ocean. Most of the dwarves, myself included, were not aware that Bahl was even a construction. Rika nearly stabbed Maddy in Bahl's defence before realising it wasn't a tongue flung to the floor. Most of the dwarves are now watching Maddy's more eccentric antics with a newfound respect. Well, Maggarg has been trying to set Bahl permanently to KillMode and Warla has been standing around horrified. I'm fairly sure she had considered Bahl a lover.

In any case, Warla still managed to conduct business as usual with the merchants. Our fortress received a large number of logs (furniture for those without bedrooms is being built as I speak), an even larger number of barrels and alcohol (enough to bring out reserves from zero to 775) and two picks. Aside from some weapons, that was all the caravans had. Since we had so much value in armour anyway Maddy decided to buy the weapons to maybe use in traps. After one rejected offer on each side Warla settled for giving the merchants slightly less than a fifty percent profit for literally everything they had. Warla requested further wood, ale and barrels, cages, a few metal bars, and plate mail. The last to reward Newb for his kills, apparently. Brutus was seen seething at the announcement.

10th Malachite
Another four sets of leather armour and accessories are finished and the second squad has begun sparring. Maggarg's Military (as he insists on calling it, being the only legendary soldier) were ordered on duty by the entrance to stop Newb "PKing" Brutus a second time. Rika was chosen to lead the new squad with no arguments from the male recruits.

A Time In The Life Of: Strife, Elite Wrestler

10th Felsite
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

23rd Hematite
Zzzzzzzzzzgonnagetyouthistimezzzzzzzzzzwelldefinelostanywaygraysonzzzzzzzzzz...

20th Malachite
Yawn. Oh man, is that dwarf sleeping on the obsidian pebbles outside with ocean waves dumping on him every so often? What a sucker, I love being a recruit. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

10th Felsite
Several puppies have matured lately, and I requested they be trained to add to our military. Unfortunately our animal trainer refused to train any of the pet dogs that came with the migrants, but at least two war dogs have been adopted by Rika to protect the newer recruits. With how depressed Crystal has been since being kicked out of nobility it was only a matter of time before a rogue spirit possessed her. The spirit demanded only two items: raw green glass and a shell. Ah, perhaps we should have request turtle or the like from the last merchants. Crystaleyes is as good as dead.

8th Galena
The tunnel towards the general location of the magma has been completed, and to use Maddy's words, "Exploratory agents are ... GOOOOOO!". Hat and an unknown glassmaker have been given picks, but it may take some time to locate the source.

27th Galena
It has not, in fact, taken long to locate the source. Bahl has already found warm stone and calculated it to come from a magma pipe. Hat, now acting as Bahl's mouthpiece, politely informed the mooks this morning. There was some amount of cheering, even if Sarek was screaming that we would only burn the whole fortress down. Maddy informed the miners by walkie talkie (his latest invention, which I must get my hands on somehow) to dig up a level and towards the pipe, repeating until they found the top. Unfortunately, this plan had one crucial flaw: the varying pipe width as it rose from the depths.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df189.PNG)
(Uh, WHOOPS. x2)

Hmm. It won't reach inside the fortress, or even reach near it for some time, but that's still less than encouraging. I don't believe we possess any magma safe materials to construct bars or the like out of either, so hopefully the fire imps swimming around don't wander too far away from the pipe. Nevertheless The Mad Scientist has a plan to make use of the flow. She insists that carefully constructed walls will not melt regardless of their material, and given the heavy nature of magma it should be possible to dig out a pipe one level down where the magma can be stopped and utilised in certain workshops. The dwarves are dubious, but having seen Bahl's true nature most are willing to trust Maddy.

Naturally, as soon as the miners set to work digging the area they encounter wet stone. Maddy ordered the area dug out anyway, and there was no hint of water throughout, but the miners still winced and complained before every strike. Once the workshops are built, all we will be able to do is sit and wait for the magma to eventually arrive.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df190.PNG)
(If you're reading this right now and know this setup won't work, please don't crush my innocent hope. :D)

[Author's Note: BTW, I didn't mention him, but a did name a mason Kodak. I'll try and give him something of a personality in the next chapter (Maddy fanboy, maybe? :P). I kind of have too many named dwarves now to keep bringing up, so apologies to anyone who gets ignored.]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Mephansteras on January 05, 2009, 11:31:06 am

Aww...poor Crystal, denied greatness by a mere turtle shell. I always start off every fort with turtle to head that off, personally.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Paulus Fahlstrom on January 05, 2009, 12:52:00 pm

Yeah... me too. Kibeth bit the bullet that way already here. I can imagine him muttering and depressed about the others lack of thought. Though, honestly, I was kinda hoping he'd go beserk. ;)

Still, always an enjoyable read.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jim Groovester on January 05, 2009, 01:36:01 pm

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on January 05, 2009, 09:12:01 am

[Author's Note: BTW, I didn't mention him, but a did name a mason Kodak. I'll try and give him something of a personality in the next chapter (Maddy fanboy, maybe? :P). I kind of have too many named dwarves now to keep bringing up, so apologies to anyone who gets ignored.]

No worries, I'm patient. I can't wait to see what you make of a dwarf who can't stop hearing Toady's guitar music.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 05, 2009, 07:10:30 pm

Quote from: Paulus Fahlstrom on January 05, 2009, 12:52:00 pm

Yeah... me too. Kibeth bit the bullet that way already here. I can imagine him muttering and depressed about the others lack of thought. Though, honestly, I was kinda hoping he'd go beserk. ;)

Still, always an enjoyable read.

Merely enjoyable?
I rate it as super-tabulisticly (which is now a word) awesmoe

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 10, 2009, 08:22:00 pm

- CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE: Waiting For Magma -

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

13th Felsite
Friends from the mountainhome! Dwarven merchants, willing to risk their lives to give settlements a helping hand, traveling across dangerous locations, hot or freezing, ambushed or terrifying. Truly, the dedication and sheer determination of these dwarves should be an example to us all. Well, except for when they leave caravans behind rather than wait one hundred steps for someone to open the bridge, but anyway. Their caravans are coming, and the Haul Brigade has started bringing out all the leftover goods that weren't traded last time.

Oh, and sometime between now and the last time I mentioned him, Strife has fully recovered from his sparring injury! Ironic that we dwarves prove more of a danger to ourselves sparring than any invaders thus far ... So, four captured camels are being hooked up for release. When they are ready, Strife will finally have his glorious, bloody revenge on the two humped beasts.

18th Felsite
Crystal, distraught and furious from having her princess status stripped from her, has gone insane. She's running through the sandcastle screaming and stripping to get attention, but we mostly just ignore her. There is, I regret, no more we can do for this poor ~~HOLY SHIT look at her tits!~~ Uh. Warla went on break just a few days ago, so the position to trade for our sandcastle was given to any free dwarf. As soon as it was announced some mason came sprinting to eagerly take the position. Once he reached the merchants he promptly announced himself as Kodak, Maddy's finest and most respected trader, then burst into pleased giggles.

Somehow, Kodak still managed to trade the rest of our useless loot for more wood logs, a couple of ropes, a few animals in cages, half a dozen or so barrels and ale, a very expensive decorated masterwork steel chain mail, a very shiny decorated steel cap, a few more leather bins, a few food items, a few gems and a few weapons. The more important thing we gained, if too late for Crystal, were five cave lobsters still in their shells!

3rd Sandstone
Today the caged camels were fully set up, aside from one small problem with the room: one of crystal's socks was jamming the door open and everybody was too embarrased to dump it elsewhere. Maddy, cackling that it was all part of the plan, released the camels anyway. A mistake with the lever meant only three came out, but one still managed to escape from Strife and charge down the main hallway. Thankfully Strife is fitter now than he used to be, and caught up with it before any harm was done. The other two have been ordered tamed and released.

21st Sandstone
More friends from the mountainhome, and these brave souls willing to stay and participate in the greatest experiments of our time. These migrants shall bring out numbers up to sixty five! At least until Crystal dies, eheh. Bedrooms for their weary feet are not yet ready, but we have ample resources to quickly produce them. Elsewhere, most of the new recruits have reached elite status in wrestling. Only Rika has not, but she assures us she is capable of handling swords, and insisted not to hold the rest of the soldier back. For now the recruits have been rotated on duty to give the older military a chance to spar again.

Kodak has been hard at work lately, but not masoning. After he heard Maddy complaining about the loss of Crystal, Kodak ran off to impress Maddy by ensuring it didn't happen again. Since our current food stockpile is full, Kodak started badgering the Haul Brigade to start a new stockpile just for cave lobster. Once the lobsters had been moved, Kodak began erecting barricades around the main stockpile and workshops to prevent any dwarves eating from there. It would be a touching effort if it weren't so annoying having to walk into the farms and eat the plump helmets fresh.

10th Timber
GOD DAMN IT DWARVES, I NEED MY *SALMON ROAST*, WHY MUST YOU TORTURE MY SOUL LIKE THIS WON'T SOMEBODY JUST EAT THE FUCKING LOBSTER ALREADY? Alas.

12th Timber
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df191.PNG)
(Finally. You may be surprised how many food sources I kept forgetting to forbid. It didn't help that some recruit took one a future ration before I turned THAT off temporarily.)

At long last, our fortress has shells! Never again, or least slightly less often, shall we lose another dwarf to an unfortunate mood. Kodak gift wrapped the first shell for Maddy, and both were ecstatic over the refuse. While they spent hours discussing which was the most annoying sound to hear (between a faint guitar chord or that jerk purple, although I suspect they were ignoring Crystal's "like" out of respect) I helped the Haul Brigade carrying all the excess food into the empty noble chambers. I don't know what we're going to do with it all, but Cookie refuses to stop growing new crops each season; it's the only thing he's been able to master without fate screwing him somehow.

18th Timber
Crystal has passed. The sorrow of our castle is ... a little underwhelming.

19th Timber
Sarek, of all dwarves, has been taken by a fey mood! He claimed a workshop only to run outside and all the way to the outer bridge to grab a skull rather than use one of those in the stockpile right by him. I think I caught him muttering something about "just the right one". Even the spirits could not contain that dwarf's obsessiveness ... To Kodak's great disappointment, when Sarek stopped for breath in the workshop all he wanted was a stone block and leather.

We seem to have a great number of tame animals crowding the statue garden. I wonder if Maddy needs them for her planned experiments, or if she's just forgotten they aren't shy shy about breeding in front of us. Eww.

Anyway, Sarek's artifact was a not particularly valuable sole bone war hammer. I wonder how strong a weapon made primarily of fish bones can actually be? I do love the name, though: The Squashed Lover. Ha, if we ever attract a Hammerer I hope Maddy will make this artifact a gift for him. Now that Sarek's skill is legendary he will be given a workshop to himself. At least, once he has recovered from the bleach he poured in his ears to try and clean his mind of the spirit.

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

14th Moonstone
Dum de dum de dum de ... Waiting for the magma ... When's it gonna get here ... BORED. It must be ... Random Happiness Testing time! I can't afford to have any sad dwarves, they would throw off my experiments.

Alright Sarek, you're first. Just smile into this tube as long and as hard as you can. Don't worry, nobody else has used this, it's perfectly clean. Alright, I'm getting a reading of Ecstatic! And Sarek's even made one friend now, isn't that nice? Alright, you're free to go. HAT, smile into this. ... Hmm, you've witness death and been annoyed by flies lately, but you're still ecstatic. Well done! Next is Cookie. Smile into this tube and UH OH. I'm getting a reading of Quite Content. Do you know you're under the limit, Cookie?
"Maddy ... I'm lost a friend, been nauseated by the sun, choked on miasma and swallowed a fly. It's not my fault I'm not as cheery as some of the others!"
Well, alright, I'll let you go with just a warning this time but don't let it happen again! You know, with all these idle dwarves I should move the refuse pile outside. And with the airlocked room I'll do ... something, I don't know. I'd better go tell the Haul Brigade.

22nd Moonstone
Dear Voice Log, you can't hear this, but I'm twiddling my thumbs right now! I can't begin constructing my glass labs until we have a fuel source, and that fuel source is sludging down our tunnels at some very slow speed I don't care to estimate. While we wait, Warla has advised me to prepare additional defences. Aside from military training, I've chosen a second location to lay with traps. It's further outside our retractable bridge, and once walls are constructed most invaders will have to cross a five by five area of traps. There will be ten cage traps to capture live invaders as guinnea pigs for experiments (spare cages are being constructed from wood), and fifteen weapon traps most with two weapons each. Maggarg's squad is standing by outside in case the mechanics are attacked.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df192.PNG)
(And yeah a soapmaker did get themselves temporarily stuck while building walls. I mean, duh.)

25th Moonstone
A snatcher! Quick, protect the-
Newb: "GRAAAAAHH!"
... Yeah, I suppose it was pretty unlikely that Maggarg would ever kill anything. Somebody bring me back those socks, they're worth 700 value each! I wish those haulers would just consider everything over value X unforbidden. Or that there was a bounty on that goblin's head so I could trade it and OH KODAK WHAT THE FUCK IN SO MANY WAYS.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df193.PNG)
(Kodak: "Maddy knows my name! *swoon* Now I can die in SPLATTER!".)

Oh god he ... His madness ... I ... What if I ... AHEM. Focus, Maddy! The future scientists of will not learn from your collapse! The military is charging out, both squads. They hit a second ambush, but they're dealing with it as easily as usual. No dwarven wounds. Unless you count Kodak. Ugh, the first group of goblins is attacking now, but they're being wiped out easily too. And ... they're dead, or fleeing. Rika's squad is returning to protect the new traps, Maggarg and the others are scouting around to make sure there aren't any more.

Hey, is that snatcher corpse being pushed around by the waves? That's interesting. I need to design an ocean powered trap cleaner sometime.

2nd Opal
Another snatcher. Honestly, go get eaten by a camel or something, it is not relevant to my interests. Warla? You can go outside again to finish those traps. I'm keeping the military on duty though. Okay, I would, if Maggarg hadn't just run off to fill his waterskin. ... Right, NOW You can go. And, uh, if you could stop misplacing job items twice every second, that would be helpful too. I knew I shouldn't have redesignated a few traps with the extra weapons from that attack. And stop giving birth, you're wasting time, we're not going to be here in thirteen years anyway. Don't tell me that's not the point, I'm the leader, the highscore is mine! Not that peasant mayor banning the export of our one obsidian grate gathering dust somewhere. (I've probably used this line before but ...) And they call ME mad!

20th Opal
Wild camels have been wandering around the castle entrance, scaring the workers, but none close enough to reach the finished traps. Warla's refusing to move a corpse and junk out of the way herself before building a trap. I need to build that Haul Brigade a Haul Engine or a Haul Alarm or something. It's the Haul Symbol, TO THE HAUL HALL HAT! There's also been another birth, and I do not yet have a solid theory about what everyone was doing sleeping around nine months ago. The appointment of Princess Crystal? AND THEY CALL ME MAD hey I've got a catchphrase now, I should go tell Elfbane.

11th Obsidian
Oh come ON. The last trainee mechanic was installing the last trap, only to run off for a drink and leave the cage there. I'm going to have to go with the voices on this one, death is the only punishment. Or ... a fate worse than death, yes. I'll order him to a lifetime of only refuse hauling! AHAHAHAHAHA!

16th Obsidian
Wildlife Experiment Number One Zero Three: Are Camels Retarded? Hypothesis: Camels are retarded. Procedure: Install fifteen weapon traps and observe a passing family of camels.

The first camel is now approaching the traps. It is moving closer and yes it triggered it. The weapons slashed the camel and wounded it. The camel has quickly retreated leaving a trail of blood behind. The camel is now very slowly moving back towards the same trap. It appears to have stopped directly next to the trap. It is now no wait it's running away from the trap. It's calf has now walked onto and been slaughtered by the trap. Conclusion: Camels are not retarded, however, they are very bad parents.

"Speaking of which, Maddy, you should know that another dwarf has given-"
I don't even want to hear it, Warla.

24th Obsidian
Elfbane, there is a miasma spreading across our entrance, why is there miasma spreading across our entrance?
"Uh, well. You see, there's this pile of bones-"
Elfbane, why is there A PILE OF BONES in a main hallway?
"There was, that is, something of a mix up with the Haul Brigade. See, Warla forgot to deactive an old dump zone and-"
URIST, WHY is was there even a DUMP ZONE there in the first place?!
"... I'm not really sure!"
Ugh. Go tell Rika and the others that they can start sparring together. One of the new recruits is legendary anyway and even if Rika isn't elite she'd do something heroic read stupid if she thought she was holding the others back.
"What has that got to do with anything we were just saying?"
Look, a scientist's thoughts are never late nor early, they are always exactly on time. Do it.

5th Granite
Sigh. The castle seems dull lately. I think somebody is slipping me random drugs in hope of medicating me. I don't think it's working, although it has done wonders for my bowels. Do crazy dwarves know when they're crazy? Do shitty dwarves know when they need to shit? I really, really hope so. Where was I going with this? Anyway, a fisher had a fey mood. He didn't even use any shells, ended up with a cheap crown and went back to fishing.

"Hello, Maddy. I bring good tidings from Bahl. At long last, there is sufficient magma flowing from the pipe to use our workshops and furnaces."
That's great. Excellent! WONDERFUL! JOYOUS NEWS AT LONG LAST PRAISE TO THE CREATORS WE HAVE FINALLY HARVESTED THE ULTIMATE POWER OF THE EARTH THAT ...
"Oh, hey Hat. I take it you've told her the news?"
"Hello Elfbane. Yes. Is the part where she usually faints?"
"Pretty much. I'll get the cushions ready."
... LEAST IF JESUS HAD BEEN A DWARF ANYWAY BUT NEVERTHELESS THIS EVENT SHALL gasp, deep breath WAIT NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I WAS UP TO DID I MENTION THE PART ABOUT THE APPETITE OF THE WILD BOAR IN THE FOREST OF THE SPIRITS YET OR IS *padded thump*

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jim Groovester on January 10, 2009, 10:18:48 pm

Kodak is dead, right? Oh, well. Her part was minor, but she will always be remembered by... probably nobody.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 11, 2009, 01:11:30 am

Is there any chance that Strife likes camels? I'd love for him to have a pet camel. Oh, and I recomend capturing and taming as many camels as possible.

Still loving the story!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Flintus10 on January 11, 2009, 04:29:45 am

:D Brilliant as usual I actually laughed out loud at the bit about Sarek pouring bleach in his ears. Keep it up

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 11, 2009, 05:39:40 am

Right now the fortress actually has 20 tame camels (as well as 41 other animals livestock and 8 war dogs). I'm actually thinking of building a large glass zoo to house them all, as well as any captured invaders (none yet, but I have more cages and traps now). Maybe release them all at once and see what happens, heh.

The only animals Strife likes are dogs, for their loyalty.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on January 11, 2009, 12:45:58 pm

"Brutus knows he's going to win so you might as well vote for him." I laughed till I cried.

And now that Brutus is militaryised again, two things

1. How many Brutus (Brutii?) do I get if this one goes splat?

2. DIBS ON THE ARTIFACT HAMMER! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE...

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 11, 2009, 03:54:27 pm

Man. Dogs are so boring. can I request a chained camel in the barracks?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 14, 2009, 07:38:44 pm

Brutus gets to return as many times as I can think of increasingly stupid ridiculous reasons for him to do so. That's a least once more, right now. And oh alright, I'll give Brutus the hammer when I play the next chapter, but he'll end up behind on skill level compared to the rest of the trained sword users. Secretly I'm really hoping Brutus is killed anyway, just to use my next awesome excuse to write him back in again. ;D

A chained camel in the barracks. I don't know WHY you want that, but sure, why not?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 14, 2009, 07:46:28 pm

- CHAPTER THIRTY SIX: Green Glass And Copper; They're Apparently Epic Now -

And now, it's time for ...
The Legend of A.D.A.B., as penned by Elfbane Chaotika
with Exerts From The Mad Scientist's Voice Log
and Observations From Lady Ruins

At the edge of this banished land
There was a fortress built from sand
Who with magma flown from the deep
Forged glass terrariums to keep

Elfbane: "Don't you mean cages?"
Maddy: "NO. They are entirely different things. These are made of glass. GLASS, Elfbane. Glass is SPECIAL."
Elfbane: "Just like you?"
(Dwarf): "Waaaaaa! We don't have any sand to use!"
Maddy: "Excuse me? This is a fucking sandcastle. There is sand literally everywhere. I'm sure you'll figure something out."

Another large stockpile is being dug, to the north of the other workshop stockpiles and accessible from the cave entrance. I can be reasonably sure it is for glass produce only. I wonder just how much glass she intends to see created, and what project would require that much. What is our mad scientist playing at?

And finally through the earth they dug
Erratically (Bahl had a bug)
They searched for ores and gems of fame
Bone decorations aren't the same

Hat: "Maddy, Bahl has located a vein of microl-"
Maddy: "DON'T CARE. There are anchovies in my tin cages. Your argument is invalid."
Hat: "... What?"
Maddy: "Listen did you find any gems or ore or or ore? ... not."
Hat: "Yes. We have located a single pocket of gems, and two veins of copper."
Maddy: "MEDIOCRE! Ahem, I mean, 'Excellent!' yes."

The other recruits have started referring to me as "that legendary exhunter". I may not enjoy the sparring, but it feels good to know I can hold my own in a fight again. It gives me more options; I can take more risks. Newb reached that status recently too, but Rika still hasn't reached elite level. This has allowed her to adopt another four war dogs into her squad, at least. We are no army, but we are something of a force to be dealt with. If only we weren't under Maddy's control ...

Bone opal; the irony
Did not escape the mad Maddy
But now with cages she contrived
To set traps and catch foes alive

Hat: "Maddy, would you please reinstall speakers in Bahl?"
Maddy: *rattle* "'The stars say no.'"
Hat: "This is the forth time I've run up from the mines today, and right now I only just recall where my bedroom is, let alone the second bone opal cluster."
Maddy: *rattle* "'Consult again later.'"
Hat: "You know, this situation reminds me of when I was a young boy. My father once bought me a toy pick that had been signed by Doomhammer himself. But he refused to give it to me until I had told the divorce lawyers how much I loved him. I refused, my father demanded a refund, Doomhammer fell angry and was captured by the same lawyers and look where we all are now. I learned my lesson, have you?"
Maddy: *rattle* "'Spam more cage traps.' Where did I get this eight ball anyway?"

My squad has been indefinitely positioned outside of the sandcastle's defences. At first I was unsure why, but soon mooks began carrying new, undecorated, mechanisms and glass cages out to construct traps. More walls are being built to force landbound enemies through them. Given we already have a number of traps and an active military, further cage traps seems unnecessary. It's almost as if Maddy wants the next invaders alive. Hmm. Perhaps she does, for an experiment. A dark one, if our idle dwarves would not suffice. It should not matter; no brute force or sacrifices will break this island's barrier.

So much copper you'd think we'd drown
Forge weapons, move stockpiles around
Leave babies; migrants just fill rooms
For the Dungeon Master, a tomb

Bahl: "You've got mail!"
Maddy: "Open it."
Bahl: "Sender: Waylon. Message: I am sick of smelting copper! Smiling face."
Maddy: "Ahaha. Can't he just pull the bars out of his hat? Saw the ore in half and put it back together a bar? Make the unrefinement disappear? MAGIC the wait Waylon's not even assigned furnace operating and what is he doing underneath by bed."
Waylon: "Uh, writing down those puns for my next performance?"

Further migrants. Even Maddy refers to them as migrants now, rather than volunteers. For what was started as a laboratory for testing the barrier, very little experimenting has been done here. All we have become is a thriving community, 89 dwarves and 58 animals. What has The Mad Scientist been waiting for? Stone? We had obsidian. Magma? It is powering our forges, but otherwise ignored. Glass? There is effectively no limit to it, but what could Maddy possibly need it for? The traps ...

Brave traders bring wood, such a haul!
Yet chainmail doesn't fit at all
The loved Elfbane possessed by fate
Saved by shells of Kodak, the late

Maddy: "Warla, I'm a little concerned about your dealing with the traders recently."
Warla: "Excuse me? I bargained for everything you asked for, and still have many tradeable goods left."
Maddy: "No, just look. Look at this. What is this?"
Warla: "A copy of each party's requests."
Maddy: "And this item right here?"
Warla: "... Beer."
Maddy: "What are we, elves? We are DWARVES, with ONE THOUSAND plump helmets and a crapload of wood logs!"
Warla: "We have run out before, even after I sent you three reminders to send out the orders."
Maddy: "And moving RIGHT on to my second point, why are they willing to pay so much extra for cloth? They just sold us over half a dozen bins."
Warla: "And now they need more again." *Smile*
Maddy: "Ahahahahaha! You get a payrise. I know I don't pay you. You get to raise you hopes that I might."

Elfbane was possessed recently, and produced a cheap wooden door for the Dungeon Master's room. This fortress is unlucky with artifacts. There is no shortage of green thumbs, at least. Warla estimated our plump helmet stocks at one thousand. Cookie and a few others have started constantly cooking them in an attempt to clear some space in the stockpiles. Human merchants visited, Warla dealt with them as usual. This time somewhere around eighty wood logs were brought. Aside from the usual barrels and like, a number of cloth bins were taken and new clothing is being sewn to replace out worn attire. Cages were purchased, and further cages requested. Yet Maddy cannot hope to effectively use so many traps, and we have a room nearly full of spares now.

Alas, weapon traps are a task
When one hundred weapons are asked
Carried through vomit and through rain
While nearby budding archers train

Warla: "... hilarious, I'm sure. Tell me when you find a dwarf willing to pay over five thousand value for one set of gauntlets and I'll offer you a kiss for free."
Merchant: "Good lord no, I'd be cutting my own throat. That's for one gauntlet."
Maddy: "Well FUCK your armour! Warla, toss this dwarf out! We don't need his wares, we'll make our own, and they'll be way better and more expensive than theirs! With copper, damn it!"
Warla: "Ignore her, she's our 'special dwarf'."
Maddy: "I what?"
Merchant: "Seriously though, I hear you're raising livestock. If you buy these cages I'll throw in a dog and mule for free."
Maddy: "Buy the bolts! Buy the bolts! Buy the bolts! I'm at least 65% sure we have a crossbow somewhere. But I want the bolts, why won't you let me have the bolts? I'll be good!"

There have been few idle moments to think of late. In the few occasions my squad is not on watch, we are sparring. Idle dwarves are put to hauling copper out of the mines or copper weapons into traps. All this, and from only a single level of mining. There have been a few other metal bars imported, and some galena ore was found, but copper still clogs up the stockpiles. Dwarven merchants arrived, and for the first time in a while Warla ran out of trade goods to purchase everything she had hoped for. It was good quality steel armour that was eventually turned out, leaving our military to wear leather and dodge as always. She did come away with 125 steel arrows, and Elfbane has been using our excess wood to train two marksdwarves into the military. We have no locations for sniping, so Maddy must plan a new construction with need to guard.

Though all dwarves work with true earnest
Mistakes are made at the furnace
A box is not a bin, we've shown
So churn out blocks for ends unknown ...

Maddy: "Sarek, what are you doing?"
Sarek: "The Mad Scientist ... Do you have more bones for me to decorate with?"
Maddy: "No, Elfbane has enough gems for now. I'd just finished dealing with a particularly annoying possessed mechanic (although the artifact was worth seven times Elfbane's and the first with a five digit value) and thought I'd check how our longstanding dwarves were doing.
Sarek: I'm counting cracks. I just realised yesterday. What if there were an odd number and we didn't even know it?! I have to make sure. The others, they call me mad, but this is important."
Maddy: "They ... they call you mad? The other dwarves call me mad!"
Sarek: "I ... I thought I was the only one."
Maddy: "It's okay. It's going to be okay."
Warla: "MADDY! There you are. Where are my noble chambers? Do you know how long I've been mayor? This makes me extremely ... not ecstatic."
Maddy: "You're the what?"

Glass blocks are now slowly being forged and stored away, for the foundation of her new construction I presume. Except, we've had other materials for some time. If she has been waiting on glass, then the purpose must be related to ... the cages. Maddy intends to build a prison, of considerable size, with the marksdwarves for guards. She must intend to slowly fill it and keep alive a large number of captured invaders. Why? She has no navy to directly use them against the barrier. These are no camels, we'd be sitting on an army we had no hope of pacifying. Even as a bargaining chip, the goblins would just raise a greater force to take them back, or for revenge. It would be a disaster waiting to ...

Oh. Then this has been a ruse, she must already know the barrier's nature. The medication can slow her, but I must stop The Mad Scientist before all is lost.

And NOW, it's time for ...
Where Are They Now?

Elfbane: On break. He usually does carpenting (expert) and gem (skilled/competent) jobs. He has dined in a legendary dining room lately. Also has a mancrush on Cookie, because I screwed up the genders in this fortress ... again.
The Mad Scientist: No job. She just finished installing the weapon traps, but doesn't actually do much that often. A proficient mechanic. Has a child as a friend, which should surprise noone. Although I'm not sure how she ended up with a few blood splatters over her head.
Warla: Sleep. She's pretty hardcore now, stats wise. Legendary in mining and record keeping, a great appraiser, skilled organise, skilled building designer and talented mechanic! She's even a competent grower, but most of the older dwarves have some skill in that. I think we all know who REALLY runs the fortress here. :P
Cookie: Making wooden bolts, apparently. I guess his mood had some use after all! Normally he farms, cooks or brews with high master, proficient and skilled skills respectively.
Bahlthier: No job. Huh, I need to designated more areas to mine. Anyway: Legendary miner, accomplished mason and dabbling butcher from a while back. Still in a loving relationship with Warla.
Kibeth: Deceased. How about that.
Crystaleyes: Totally dead.
Lady Ruins: Soldier. She's already a legendary wrestler, expert swordsdwarf and great shield user. She has two goblin kills, and was the one who struck down the giant. She is getting used to tragedy.
Sarek: Pay no attention to the story, he is decorating things with all the fish bones I end up with and is legendary at doing so. And that's pretty much it, really. He doesn't even have any friends at the moment. :( Maybe his cat leather trousers are really black cat leather trousers.
Hat: No job, usually mining now. Talented miner, and a skilled mason.
Steinunn: Getting drunk, obviously. She's been brewing on and off lately, I don't really need stone crafts anymore. Skilled brewer, proficient stone crafter. Naturally, she's one of the dwarves who throw up whenever they walk outside.
Waylon: Also drinking. He at least dabbled in weaponmaking while the copper weapons were being produced, otherwise a novice grower and usually hauling.
Maggarg: Filling his waterskin. A legend at wrestling, competent with armour, great with shields, proficient with swords and still hasn't killed anything. You'd think he'd been swimming lately with the stupid number of water coverings at the moment.
Newb: Soldier, with 29 notable kills now. Legendary swordsdwarf, other military skills are reasonably high too. He doesn't really care about anything anymore. He also need alcohol to get through the working day and can't even remember the last time he had some, but that probably applies to my entire military since they've been using waterskins. >_>
Brutus: Soldier, no kills. High master wrestler, talented swordsdwarf. Has two children.
Strife: Filling waterskin. Four notable kills, and three camels. Grand master and expert at wrestling / swords.
Kodak: Sleeping. In a coffin.
Rika: Sleeping. Only an expert wrestler, sadly, and with no notable kills. But she has eight pets, six trained!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jamini on January 14, 2009, 10:47:14 pm

Heh, figures Warla would become Mayor.

...

I hope I don't have any particularly unusual material fetishes.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Flintus10 on January 15, 2009, 06:28:20 am

hahahaha counting cracks, anchovies and some arguing with the merchants this story is hilarious keep it up.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 15, 2009, 07:47:59 am

Becuase I like camels?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 20, 2009, 10:28:50 pm

- CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN: The Ultimate Meat Shield -

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

15th Sandstone
Today, a copper chain was forged with the purpose of securing a tame camel in the barracks. Strife wanted ... I don't even know. He's sparring around it now, but when I asked a few of his acquintences the only response I could wrench from them was awkward muttering about making peace with his inner camel. Oh, and Brutus stole our bone hammer. Infuriated by his rivalry with Newb, and knowing he could never truly emerge victorious on equal terms, he sought a path to unbalance the equation and in doing so finally turn from the weapon that slew him and maybe one day overcome his own fate.

Or I guess it was pretty shiny. Well. Rika has developed something of a soft spot for the dogs in the sandcastle, and must have a dozen or so of things following her around now, most trained for war. I remain convinced Maddy is accidentally breaking the recruits MINDS instead of their spirits. Just being near the barracks is enough to make civilians do stupid things, like fall asleep on the ground rather than walk to their bedrooms. And that's happening regularly.

24th Sandston
Ah diary, I fear the madness is spreading outside of the military. Who knows how long I shall remain sane? Could I be lost even now? Warla had demanded three tin items be constructed despite knowing better than anyone else we have no tin. Bahl and Hat have started digging and channeling out a larger area around our magma workshops, allowing for over twice as many to be built. Once enough dwarves have been shown the basics there will be four smelters, four forges and EIGHT glass furnaces going at once. In true dwarven spirit (or perhaps after one too many dwarven spirits), they managed to cut off the mines with lava, leaving several dwarves stranded with damp floors above them.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df194.PNG)
(Jump it. Go on, I dare you.)

... at which point Bahl constructed two sections of floor over the magma and it wasn't dramatic at all, really. They're masoning some more furniture at the moment, our mining has been suspended while we churn our way through all the copper. I've almost finished decorating the sandcastle with gems, but apparently finding more isn't important enough to tie up dwarf labor. Hmph, we'll see how important it is when Maddy falls in love and doesn't have anything valuable to propose with!

8th Timber
Three bitches gave birth at almost the same time, and I have just realised there are now more animals then dwarves in their sandcastle. They're clogging out the hallways, they're not doing much useful, and they're making me hungry all the time, curses! Mmmm, delicious roast donkey. It was high time we did something dramatic to sieze back out castle, and with the likes of Maddy in command there was only ever really one solution. Kill them? No. Release them? Of course not. Stuff over eighty of the beasts into a single glass cage that cannot possibly contain them to the point where it's physically impossible for them to generate enough friction to have sex and give birth? Naturally.

Actually, Maddy's Total Animal Reduction Decoy Inevitability System does have a few problems with it, which is unusual for her. Only one animal can be caged at once, meaning it is going to be an EPIC chore to store them all. And although it can compress living matter, well, let's just say that if any dwarves think hauling a mechanism is tiring, this will be over a hundred times heavier than that. Still, when it's full, installed, and hooked up to a lever, (imagine dramatic orchestral music here) it will serve as the (BA DA DUUUUUUM! DA DA DA! DA DAA DAA!) ULTIMEAT SHIELD! buying the civilian population time to dig an escape route, or the military to regroup and attack, or myself long enough to use my latent but thematically inevitable cosplaying skills to disguise myself as a barrel of tallow.

26th Timber
It has only now occured to Maddy that barrels and bins can be made from copper. REJOICE DWARVES, our storage woes are (mostly) at an end!

12th Moonstone
A VILE FORCE OF DARKNESS HAS ARRIVED. The intensity of the military, the growing madness, Maddy's comparative sanity, all dark portents for what has only now revealed itself unto us. Faced with the war chants of a goblin army, harshly cut off from the outside world just when we needed them (although, really only to dump all these plump helmet roasts onto), in the face of such adversity only a dwarf could laugh, for something interesting to finally happen!

It wasn't quite the reaction the fifteen poorly trained melee goblins were hoping for. Shortly Maddy made the suspiciously sensible decision to order everyone inside. There was some confusion over what counted as inside, in particular the roofed over cave entrance, but by now we civilians, and the undertrained marksdwarves, are waiting inside now while Newb and Rika's squads wait outside.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df195.PNG)
(Goblins need cheerleaders. "Goblins! Goblins! Awesome, kinda. You can defeat that meat grinder!")

16th Moonstone
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df196.PNG)
("Dwarves! Dwarves! Stole the stage; please let me out of this glass cage! Yeah, dwarves!")

Well that was a general disappointment. HEY! Goblins! Bring more meatshields next time! Boring. The useful or expensive loot from the dead ones is being carried in now, and the caged goblins are being thrown in our old refuse room. Maddy plans some kind of a prison for them, apparently, and we have a growing number of glass blocks stockpiled for its construction. Only now does this occur to Maddy as a bad building material for a PRISON, but Bahl estimates he can reinforce it enough to contain even a titan. Given Maddy's sudden revelation, I asked if she'd actually been taking her meds again. Maddy calmly explained she'd found them in her unkept beard all along, after a strong wind outside caused one to dislodge and nearly choke her. She's taking them regularly now and we both agree the fortress will be better for it.

Still ... Just to you, diary, I liked her better mad. It was more fun.

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

10th Opal
Tenth Opal. I've received a letter from out king elect himself. He claims to be impressed by our swift growth out in the desert. The location is technically true, I suppose, and I assume whoever reported to him neglected to mention our metal production has been copper. Soon he intends to send representatives to observe my experiments. More likely, they will enforce their economy and demands upon us. From what I have learned thus far, their presence should, according to one theory I found in my older notes, aid my most important experiment. I have ordered bedrooms and noble chambers to be prepared for their eventual arrival and any further migrants.

Today I caught the exhunter standing in Newb's bedroom, watching him sleep. Disturbing behaviour. If it continue, she may be a problem.

18th Opal
The last of our livestock has been placed into the TARDIS, although progress on other jobs has been unfortunately slow; I suspect the magma industry is at fault here. Carving wooden bolts and preparing fish in particular have been left incomplete for some time. I would assign dwarves to complete them, but there are virtually no idlers. I would do them myself but ... hmm ... that would clearly bias results! With this in mind, using the TARDIS as a defence has been put on hold until later.

28th Opal
A gem cutter has fallen into a fey mood. The only item he's asking for is rough gems, but Urist left none spare while decorating. I've ordered the miners to resume digging, this time one further level down.

14th Obsidian
Observation: Miners need to dig faster. Or at least learn that producing doors in advance isn't as important as saving a moody dwarf now. The bolts haven't been made yet either, and only when I noticed a bucket on the floor in a food stockpile did I learn that Maggarg was injured sparring. Fair enough that nobody bothered to mention that, but learning just what these ninety dwarves are doing that leaves so much work undone would take years of experimenting in itself!

1st Granite
It is Spring once more. It would be nice if the goblins would siege again for something slightly more useful and interesting to observe than dwarves hauling things everywhere. I've noticed there is only one dwarf with masoning as their main profession, I need to assign the job to more dwarves who aren't already mining. Hmm, who has been slacking off lately. ELFBANE!
"... 'tis I!"
Do you feel like making tables?
"Wouldn't that be a waste of wood?"
I'm not talking about wood.
"I don't think I like where this is going."

14th Granite
Finally! A miner has found bone opal! I've sent a member of the Haul Brigade to bring it up to our stockpiles.

15th Granite
"I must have rough gems! I must have rough gems! I must have gabbagabbawhatthingididn'tseeathingwhatareyouHEYWHATWHATwabblelolroflcopterwheeeeMEEBLE!"
It would ... appear that we were too slow with the gems. I should begin collating notes on the timing with -

"SNATCHER! Protect the ... Wait, nevermind. It's in a cage. Sorry about that."
Well, throw it in with the others.

22nd Granite
The fortress has been ambushed by another two goblin squads, this time bringing ranged weapons. This would have disturbed our work moreso if the first group hadn't tried to run straight through out trapped entrance, and the second hadn't been standing above, but very close to, our two training marksdwarves. Both groups were killed or captured without the need to activate the military or concern the civilians. Even the only animal killed turned out to be Kodak's old pet.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df197.PNG)
(Aww, look them all enthusiastic and thinking they stand a chance.)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df198.PNG)
(After killing the goblins, the marksdwarves, unfazed, finished off the rest of their arrows on the archery target.)

"Uh, hi Maddy."
Yes, what is it Waylon?
"I was bringing a couple of the copper barrels you ordered up to Cookie, and I couldn't help but notice ... Do you think maybe we have enough glass blocks now?"

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df199.PNG)
(As it turns out, it is remarkably easy being green.)

... Yes. Yes, we do.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Haika on January 21, 2009, 12:04:43 am

Finally made it to the end of all that. :)

Not sure if your taking new dwarves, but if there's one avaliable I'd be interested in being a part of the storyline.

dwarfy suggestions:
Name: ClearWater(either gender is fine)
Profession: Fisherdwarf or Speardwarf
a personal request I'd like a house over a water source to fish in. Possibly glass, blue colour stone acceptable, but I'd like the roof be a multi-z level pyramid that's hollow inside. (made with stairs on the outside, then having stairs removed. Bonus points for extending a pier/bridge/floor out over water that holds the building. :D

Take all of that with a grain of salt, but could be interesting to work in... or not :) Either way, I'd just be happy being mentioned in the story from time to time.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Mephansteras on January 21, 2009, 03:42:19 pm

This fort has bad luck with moods. I should point out that raw green glass would probably have saved the poor gem seeking dwarf.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Ririka on January 21, 2009, 04:41:01 pm

Oh wow. Rika is an old ~~cat~~ dog lady... :-\

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 21, 2009, 07:24:13 pm

Neveremind that I'm about to start constructing a glass prison, ClearWater wants a pyramid to fish from. Sure, why not? :D

Raw glass doesn't count as raw gems for moods, in fact, I'm pretty sure dwarves can demand raw glass separately.

Rika is not old, she just loves animals. My entire notes for Rika's character amount to "Total babe. Idealistic." :P

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Mephansteras on January 21, 2009, 07:33:33 pm

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on January 21, 2009, 07:24:13 pm

Raw glass doesn't count as raw gems for moods, in fact, I'm pretty sure dwarves can demand raw glass separately.

Actually, it can. I know I've saved a few dwarves that way in the past, at least. Especially on forts with a sand layer and an aquifer where I didn't have access to uncut gems otherwise.

It's just that the game sometimes wants stuff it can cut like gems (so gems or glass will do), sometimes it wants actual rock gems (very rarely of a particular type), and sometimes it specifically wants raw glass. It varies a lot.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 22, 2009, 03:45:12 am

Huh. Well, I did try making one rough green glass somewhere along the line, but I didn't notice the moody dwarf run off to fetch it so I assume it wasn't the case THIS time anyway.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Mephansteras on January 22, 2009, 01:01:31 pm

Ah, ok. Well, it's always worth a shot, anyway.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 28, 2009, 12:11:33 pm

Any update in the future, oh nameless one?

*Gets back to work on war fort*

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Boksi on January 28, 2009, 12:13:42 pm

Yes, this is a very fun story. Great writing.

*Goes back to planning a metropolis*

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 28, 2009, 07:17:54 pm

- CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT: Distractions -

And now, it's time for ...
The Continuing Adventures of Lokum Nudenrigoth, Count

28th Granite
Ugh, are we there YET? Can't these lowerclass bastards carry me across this Armok damned desert any faster? I don't pay them to drink. I don't pay them to carry me either, or at all while we're technically outside the boundaries of an economy driven fortress but I guess it just sucks to be them because they didn't fall into a barrel of purple dye when they were six.

Hmph. Fikod, my tax collector, has told me a lot about this fortress. It was started by another one of those tiresome "escape the island" types. As if I didn't have everything I need right here. Damned if I know how the mad bastard managed to create so much wealth in a sandpit with little more than a bucket and spade. Something about magma, dreadfully hot stuff. Well, she'd better have an appropriately lavish throne room ready for me or I'll tell the hammerer to hammer her armourer in a arm, ah a glamourer ham murmur wouldn't squeal as beautifully as the defiant underclass and I can't feel my tongue anymore.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df200.PNG)
(Say it ten times quickly. I dare you.)

1st Slate
What. Is this. Disgrace?! The Mad Scientist has known for months that I would be coming and my chambers aren't even fit for a mayor! I demanded an explanation, and all I got was that their dwarves had been "really busy" with "no idlers", BAH, what could be more important than my comfort?! The only thing they'd managed to build was twenty or so bedrooms for lowerclass who couldn't even afford them to be assigned them! Not that I care about those folk, of course, but the moment they had finished looking around most of them were whisked off underground to collect sand or some nonsense and I'm left standing around with little more than a few microline statues to gaze at.

My lovely countess wandered off to dine, and I had to nearly strangle some sorry looking, foul smelling cook to arrange a meeting with this place's city manager. Her apparent uncare for my higher position was downright offensive, but at least she was able to grasp the basics of the economy I am now implementing. Typically, this didn't last any longer than a few minutes before she snapped and ran off joyfully screaming about shopping and discounted footwear. Tch, women. This fort will do much better with a man such as myself in charge.

[Author's Note: At this point, I decided to set my population cap to 120. My FPS is still around 70, but I have enough dwarven labor now when I assign jobs intelligently and I'd rather leave managing eighteen million dwarves for another fort.]

12th Slate
Oh what a GREAT day today is! My KIND and CONSIDERATE and NOBLE RESPECTING working class have finished constructing all of my entourage's chambers and even tombs! They are OF COURSE of EXCELLENT quality and I'm not even SLIGHTLY PISSED about them. THIS IS SARCASM. SARCASM SARCASM SARCASM. Except the bit about it being sarcasm, that part WASN'T SARCASTIC. As a form of punishment, myself and the other nobles have already begun drawing up mandates. For example, while trading, Warla is no longer allowed to export goblets. That ought to hit the bastards where it hurts. The masons still insist that "imma statuing". Hmph, at least there is some amusement in watching one dwarf attempt to haul a cage containing dozens and dozens of animals across the fortress. It literally took him a week while everyone else was running by doing whatever the hell isn't decorating my tomb. You know what? Fuck you. You can't export any crossbows either. I'll tell my countess to mandate that one.

22nd Slate
I spoke with the hammerer today during my fortress inspection. He was, get this ... happy ... with his dwellings. The weakling has given in! This isn't about the value of studies anymore, we are conducting a WAR against the lowerclass and that dwarf has chosen the coward's way out. Only one class in this fortress can truly be happy, and I will make those dwarves arbitrarily SUFFER. The mechanics have already started plotting my downfall. The chambers of myself and my countess have several expensive traps, just waiting for me to sleepwalk into them. My countess has forbidden the export of tin in response. Warla told me we don't have any tin, but I don't trust her. She may be a noble now, "acquiring" items from The Mad Scientist for her clothing shop, but she is not of our birth.

As for the results of the inspection, they are disappointing. The miners have been digging a second level under the aquifer for some time, but found very little and are ready to give up. The magma powered workshops have been turned off for now too, I can only assume so there are idle dwarves to pamper me.

6th Felsite
My tax collector is, I am ashamed to say "quite content". As if that didn't indicate his delving into insanity, he's had his personality read by an article of clothing. A Hat, I believe, and the results were that he was a risk taker, thrill seeker, and very friendly. He collects tax for Armok's sake!

11th Felsite
The respect in this fortress is appalling. I spend MY valuable time coming out into this sweltering sandpit to transform it into a thriving city, but when I ask for just one shield some wannabe wizard gives me what appears to be a useless, oversized copper plate. Hmph. Unfortunately he "technically" completed it, so I can't have him hammered ... yet.

16th Felsite
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df201.PNG)
(Zebra ambush! AAAAAAAAAHHH!)

What did I tell these dwarves about sleeping on MY time? But noooooo, they're too "tired" they need "energy" and now they won't shut about about their "sore backs". FINE. If they must spend their time idle and hallucinating, and if The Mad Scientist's pills are only depressants, I'll let them dig an extra sleeping hall. It will be south of the underground rooms, well out of my way, and with a dozen or so spare or cheaply rented beds.

26th Felsite
AHA! Warla has mandated that three tin items be produced! I KNEW those dwarves had it hidden away somewhere, even if I am told there's already one furnace operator supposed to be in jail for not producing any. They have adequate defences, yes, but their sense of justice is horribly ignored and none of them actually seem keen to start throwing each other in cages and doing the extra work themselves. Worse is that even my lovely countess has been turned. She told me last night that the dwarves were trying really hard with what they had and had produced enough. It was that bastard calling himself Elfbane that fooled her, staying up late at night in her chambers "talking", what is that. I don't even know, but I am the last true noble in this fortress. Even if my only allies are a strangely evil cat and his girlfriend, they will never satisfy me with this subpar treatment! I WILL -

Oh, look at that beautifully encrusted weapon trap in my tomb, filled with expensive goblin weapons. With everything else it's almost enough to call it a mauso...

DAMN YOU LOWERCLASS BASTARDS! YOU WIN THIS ROUND!

A Time In The Life Of: ClearWater, Fisherdwarf

1st Hematite
I heard today that the Count and the rest of the nobles are finally satisfied with our fortress, inability to conjure tin aside. With that over, the magma workshops are being powered up again for various uses. I've been unbothered by their arrival for the most part; catching fish from our makeshift stream has kept me occupied, out of the way, and regularly paid. Some dwarves aren't doing very well, I've seen them sleeping outside on the sand in the barracks. That annoyed Newb a little bit, although every so often I hear a thump, groans, and Maggarg's laughter. The general mess of the situation irritates me, but with Maddy distracted in leadership struggles, a mountain of glass stored and forgotten, and some dwarves desperate for work just to feed their family ... I can use this in my favour.

I've had this idea for a while, but just recently I've had help from that exhunter in the military to finish the design. She says she'd love the view from the barracks. I haven't presented it to Warla, I can only imagine what her reaction would be, but she's busy running five clothing shops now and I'm sure she wouldn't want to be bothered. You see, I want a pyramid. For fishing. The design is seven by seven squares at the base, including a floor each for processing the fish, storing the raw fish (with a jetty), and my sufficiently furnished bedroom. The roof will be another three levels high, and hollow.

Alright, you idling dwarves over there! Yes, you. Go fetch me some obsidian, I need to test a few things. NOW. Oh really, well I hear the prices of Cookie's roasts are soaring and yeah I thought you might.

4th Hematite
... Alright, now take the middle wall first and they should ... okay, that works. Deconstruct everything. I need someone to dig out the area a bit too. Somebody bring me Bahl, with the furniture completed and mines left alone he should be free, and programmed to be obedient. Once that's done, you can start constructing one level at a time like I showed you. Also, you all suck and as direct result I'm cutting your original pay by a quarter. Or I guess your children could haul your wife's corpse into a coffin because you were too lazy to do an honest day's work. Take it or leave it. That was too slow, I'm making it a third. I wouldn't open your mouth to argue if I were you.

10th Hematite
Hey, I just remembered something. I wanted my pyramid built from glass, not obsidian. Alright workers, tear it down and start again! Ya, rly. Do I need to start fear mongering again? Good.

Hmm, a human diplomat and merchants have arrived. I'm busy, damn it. Then again, do we even have any trade goods that Warla isn't guarding like a hound in her corner of the fortress? Oh of course, I can see the first few dwarves coming out with plump helmet roasts. It's always fun to watch the trading while I'm fishing. The tax collector would charge me thirty eight value for that particular roast, but you know Warla will call it nine hundred and thirty when merchants are around. We have quite an unusual exchange rate.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df202.PNG)
(And to your left we have four of the sandcastle's noble chambers, complete with two lazy nobles.)

16th Hematite
Well the conversation with the diplomat was certainly brief. Aside from the greeting and farewell it seems the human came all the way out here just to give us a halfhearted and half sarcastic compliment about the "pleasant place you've carved out" in the sand. I think he just wanted to get away from the all vomit outside.

An ambush! Oh, there are no ranged invaders, the traps will take care of them just fine. Wait, who cancels what. Damn it, migrant rangers. Don't hunt. [SFX: Splat.] Anyway, I can see Warla making the trade now. She's taking a few different metal bars, a wagon-full of wood, another wagon-full of empty cages, another wagon-full of barrels, some leather and cloth, a handful of iron bolts and some turtles. The usual, and WHAT THE HOLY FUCK SHIT ARE MY WORKERS DOING IN A CONGA LINE OUTSIDE OF THE DEFENCES GET BACK YOU RETARDS. Alright, which of those nobles screwed up the forbid settings? You know I'm going to bring this up later when I stage my takeover of their chambers.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df203.PNG)
(Conga conga conGA! Conga conga conGA!)

20th Hematite
This is why I want a pyramid that I can hide in. Just after our military had marched out protect any more suicidal dwarves from the goblins another amush showed up with a crossbow and starting shooting the hauling dwarves. Our two marksdwarves were yelled for, but one of the humans managed to shoot the goblin down before anyone was hurt.

2nd Malachite
Some wood burner was possessed, and started demanding a few thousand or so things from Maddy. I could possibly care less. In other news IT SURE IS A GOOD THING THAT GREEN VOMIT BLENDS IN WITH GREEN GLASS HUR HUR masons.

7th Malachite
I was tactically deploying audio observation on my workers this morning and heard one of them mention that our workshops had actually managed to run out of copper. As long as the glass I'm using keeps being replaced, it doesn't bother me. We still have a few others ores left if we need them, and there are plenty of barrels, arrows and the like for now anyway. Something else we have plenty of is goblin snatchers. In the last two days we've found three of them caged at our entrance. It's a shame I don't trust them enough to use as slaves. Maybe if I pretended we could and tricked any future rivals into trying ...

17th Galena
That moody dwarf was only just remembered today, and the last item he needed produced. The end result was a valuable, but boring, idol. Pfft, my pyramid will be complete soon and that will be something to marvel at!

Excerpts From The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

7th Malachite
Excuse me, Countess? Would you please stop changing the price of goods every two seconds. These arbitarily changing variables are making any attempts to reliably study the supposed benefits of your economy impossible! Nevermind, she's left. Ugh, this is supposed to be a scientific community but very few people have been taking orders from me since the nobles arrived. Warla is running her shops and slowly being, if I might use the technically incorrect term, corrupted into a noble herself. Urist has spent more time chatting up the Countess than helping like he normally does. Bahl obeys any orders, I really need to update his software. Even Steinunn is too overjoyed with owning even imaginary gold to be of use. And someone in this fort has been encouraging distractions all over the place.

Damn it, you signed up to partake in this experiment, you've even elected me mayor, carefully follow every one of your instructions!

17th Galena
ATTENTION DWARVES. If you are going to assume the idiot Hammerer has the right to make meaningless mandates, then as the elected mayor so must I, and you therefore have to listen to me. I mandate an item constructed from lead! Aha, good day Hammerer, I didn't mean that first part, honest, please don't rape me with that thing.
"I am not evil, Maddy. I just came here to punish dwarves and drop MC Hammer references. And I'm all out of MC Hammer references."
But you haven't made a single MC Hammer reference yet.
"I am ... not very familiar with the works of MC Hammer."

Oh, um, hello furnace operator whose name I can't recall. Have you completed my mandate already?
"Yes. Here is your one lead block. Sorry, got to run, Clear needs more glass stockpiled."
... Fuck you.

8th Limestone
"Hahaha! This is wonderful! Just how I imagined it! Oh, well done workers, your pay is not getting cut today!"

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df204.PNG)
(I really, really wish dwarves could actually fish from a different Z level.)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df205.PNG)
(The roof isn't that exciting really.)

ClearWater! Just what have you been building out here?! Do you even know how long I've been waiting for the spare dwarves to build the goblin prison?!
"Too late, you silly scientist! While you sat in your office wasting your time with strongly worded letters or inventing a virus scanner for Bahl I'VE been out here cracking the whip! All your dwarves are belong to me, and thanks to your foolish attempts at democracy and an economy I seized power and have emerged with a creation so grand it overshadows the very nobles themselves!"
No, ClearWater. This is not your position, and I'm going to have to ask you to abandon it NOW.
"Abandon it? Now why ever would I want to do that when this was all thanks to YOU Maddy! Without your stockpiles or invention of the credit card none of this would have been possible. And now ... I AM UNTO A GOD!"
Heh.
"What? Do not mock me mortal, I can DESTROY YOUr bank account!"
Ah, poor ClearWater. You may have brought your twisted dreams into existence, but you failed to take one thing into consideration.
"HA! You cannot surely think me so gullible Maddy?"
The economy allowed you to enslave the working class dwarves, ClearWater. And you would have gotten away with it. But you pushed to hard. You reached to high. And now, as soon as you try to move into your pyramid ...
"No. No, it can't be."
... yes, thanks to the very economy you abused you can't afford to rent it!
"You ... But ... I was so close ... and ... nooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

9th Limestone
Maddy: "Well I hope we all learned a valuable lesson from these last few months, so from now on we can trust my authority and start working peacefully alongside each other."
ClearWater: "I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried to manipulate my friends to become unto a god."
Count: "And I shouldn't be so selfish when we're really all working towards all our race's interests."
Elfbane: "And I thouldn'd hath dried to make oud with a coundess with diamond dongue pierthings."
Count: "Wait, what?"
Elfbane: "Nebermind."

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Haika on January 28, 2009, 08:51:34 pm

Curses! XD foiled already

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Mephansteras on January 28, 2009, 09:35:36 pm

Those who go into the pyramid can occasionally hear a ghostly voice say "Wow...like, totally awesome triangle-thing! I'm, like, so haunting this place!"

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 29, 2009, 12:32:27 am

Such a long post. So tired. I'll read the second half tommorow, but the first part was excellent. I look foward to the count meeting an angry zebra sometime.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on January 29, 2009, 04:34:45 am

You are fantastic. One day I will actually read the goblin tower part.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on January 29, 2009, 06:16:15 am

Quote from: Mephansteras on January 28, 2009, 09:35:36 pm

Those who go into the pyramid can occasionally hear a ghostly voice say "Wow...like, totally awesome triangle-thing! I'm, like, so haunting this place!"

That ... is such an awesome idea that it is now canon. Crystal is going to haunt the pyramid so much in the next chapter. In fact, Kibeth was a fisherdwarf, he can too. They will make a perfect ghostly comedic duo. They can have an embarrassing neighbour the Invisible Stalker (of Maddy, natch) Kodak! HILARITY WILL ENSUE. :D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on January 29, 2009, 07:48:31 am

Great update!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on January 29, 2009, 05:01:02 pm

Great twist that she couldn't rent the place. Can't wait to see the haunting

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Mephansteras on January 29, 2009, 05:07:01 pm

She died failing to create an artifact. What dwarf could rest in peace after that?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on January 29, 2009, 05:13:18 pm

A dwarf goes in on a dare.

"spooky"
Do you have turtle shellllllllllsssssss?
"huh!"
I, like, totally need some turtle sheeellllssss
"AAAARRRGGGHHH"

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on February 06, 2009, 06:35:04 am

- CHAPTER THIRTY NINE: Time Skip Super Power Hyper Recap Activate GO! -

An Eternity In The Death Of: Crystaleyes, Glassmaker

8th Limestone
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Look at the little glass pyramid, it's soooooo kawaii! I totally call dibs on haunting it?
"WHAT?! Fuck you Crystal, it was built for fishing! You couldn't gut a fish if your death depended on it. I was a fisherdwarf. If anyone should be unliving in that building it should be me, yarr."
Aww, why are you so MEAN Kibeth? I was a glassmaker but I, like, didn't get to make any glass at all and this pyramid is built from, like, glass! It's totally thematic.
"Yarr, well, I suppose we could share it. Maddy will be building a glass prison soon, you can move out then. Kodak told me earlier she's been muttering about mechanism production for the cages."
Awesome! We can totally be roomies and share hauntings and spend twenty minutes dealing with the fallout from an honest mistake and make puns about dwarves acting suspicious and ...
"I now regret what I have suggested."

10th Limestone
Haunting is, like, so fun! Kibeth just wants to float around the workshops and stare longingly at fish but, like, whatever? Every time a dwarf comes up to the table to eat, I, like, totally appear in front of them! Then, like, they're all screaming and dropping their meal and stuff? I totally have a collection of bones now!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df206.PNG)
(I don't even know what that's all about. O_o)

So, like, anyway, the totally awesome magma furnaces have been making glass blocks and Portals (which, like, I totally plan on referencing all subtle, like!). Some masons built, like, a staircase up above the fortress to where the prison will be? But it's, like, not very safe so the military are all standing around it, even those two cute marksdwarves. I was gossiping with Kodak and he said that Maddy plans on having like, an office as an entrance from the fortress up to fortified walkways above, and a lever for releasing the goblins (eww, why would she want to do that, they're so grotty!). There will be ten, um, "solitary confinement" like whatever they are and enough cells for two hundred and seventy prisoners, like, wow? But even though it's a desert and stuff they have to smooth stones and cut trees down and everything first. Warla is on a, like, total warpath bitching at every idle dwarf to go help out, she's kind of scary and I'm dead.

14th Limestone
Hee hee, some other dwarves, like, came to trade but haven't even unloaded yet while our dwarves, like, totally have! But soon they do, and Warla trades many roasts for the usual supplies and stuff, it's, like, not that exciting? She did buy some flour and sugar which, like, must be to bake a cake. Or was that a lie?! (I totally told you so, ell oh ell!)
"Yarr, it is a great shame that a ghost's head would go through a desk were they to try bang it."

3rd Sandstone
Oh my god, it is going to take, like, soooooo long for the glass building to be done, they need way more glass blocks? The military all, like, went inside and locked the entrance for now. There is, like, plenty for them to do though since the Count wants shields and the tax collector wants a billion throne and there is, like, clothing being mass produced and some dwarf bought a shop (I am soooooo jealous, all the nice things this place has now) but can't afford any stock, hee!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df207.PNG)
(I need to make dwarves vomit ON CUE so I can colour the floor without using more glass.)

11 Sandstone
Hey, like, the hammerer is totally more experienced now. That, like, doesn't bode well? I went and floated around for a while but didn't see any beaten dwarves. I guess altering the prices of goods just makes you, like, TOTALLY MORE AWESOME now. Oh, and there was some planter with a fey mood. He used, like, lots of stuff but only made, like, a single left glove? But asymmetry is totally in this season. And it had an image of itself on it, that, like, itself had a smaller image of itself on it. MIND = BLOWN oh my god.

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

24th Sandstone
Tch, I tire of this sandpit and it's noisy dwarves. If they're not building a million annoying traps that I have to step around they're constructing some stupid glass monstrosity or banging away in their furnaces. How is a cat supposed to sleep?! I've had enough of this. I'm going to talk to Honesttrustingpromiselove and get out of here. Ah, Honest. Truly, she is a worthy mate for likes of me. We laugh at dwarves together, take long strolls on the beach, fuck each others brains out ... If only the dwarves here weren't already so insane that our mind control is ineffective against them, this might have been a suitable palace.

Honest, my darling. How are you?
"Aww, how's my little cuddlypie."
I told you never to call me that, woman!
"Heh heh, you're so cute when you're angry."
Tch. Anyway, aren't you sick of these dwarves? I think ... I think it's time we moved out of my fortress and found a better place to breed our empire.
"Oh, Fluffy. Don't you mean my fortress?"
... What?
"Didn't you know? Aha. We've been together for just long enough by the Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness' charters to count as wed. As I am the only member of the Council here, I hold the power to divide our properties between us. And I chose this sandcastle for my own! You can keep the dwarves and get off my land, hmm?"
You ... you ... GOLD DIGGING BITCH!
"Ahahahahahaaa, foolish little kitty!"
I am in despair! The discovery that I am not the only evil cat has left me in despair!

26th Sandstone
Stupid lousy Honest, stupid lousy sand, stupid lousy dwarves, never should have trusted her, should have picked up on the theme naming, mutter mutter. This sandpit is MY kitty litter, damn it, I'll show her! I'll show them all! Where's my ~~scratching~~ claw sharpening pole?

Oh and that's just GREAT. Way to add insult to injury, dwarves. Training another seven war dogs for your military. Like a single war cat couldn't take down a dragon. (... With enough time to breed.) I'll freeze time with catsplosion if I have to clone myself! Yeah, you'd better spruce up my fortress with some more doors and statues. You'd better consider building a stone floor over all this sand sometime. You'd better keep having a stupidly large larder of roast goods to attract mice for my consumption. You'd better rant to Warla about not having enough work. Wait, I don't think that last one is really helping. Oh whatever. Angst, over. I'm going to go tear up Cookie's bedsheets and NEVER TRUST ANOTHER LIVING BEING EVER AGAIN WWWWWWOOOOOOEEEEEE! (Okay, that was the last of it, I swear.)

7th Moonstone
The dwarves have started mining again, with their usual idiotic planning.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df208.PNG)
(Randomly zooming lines across the screen IS faster than counting out exact squares. I think.)

They've even managed to strike Cinnabar almost straight away. Urist almost threw a party before The Mad Scientist reminded him that it wasn't actually good for anything except red floors, and everyone knows dwarf blood is much better for that purposes.

25th Moonstone
I found a bloodied obsidian short sword and a shield in the barracks today, and actually got my hopes up for a few seconds. Sadly, it was only Ruins with a light wound on her hand. How she has fallen since our last fortress, ha, skulking around in secrecy here. I've tried to give her away many times but most of the dwarves just run in terror when they see me, which actually I could quite get used to if Rika and her stupid mutts didn't nearly eat me last time I tried assassinating that annoying Maggarg.

3rd Opal
GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY! Bahl found more copper. We're all going to be okay now! Of course the moment it was announced the entire fort's idlers started running down into the mines to haul it, Sarek at the front. I think he's addicted to sniffing the dust or something, which would explain a lot.

21st Opal
The roof hatch has been opened again and the glass prison is being worked on. The masons are trying to finish the outside wall first now, so the military can go and slack of as usual. They barely spar anymore, Rika certainly hasn't reached elite yet. Maddy installed a lever for opening everything too, made from an artifact mechanism. She hasn't brought the cages out yet. I'll tell you what, I am staying far, far away from that prison the moment she does. Some dwarf was possessed and made a decorated backpack lately too, but nobody cares about that anymore. Except Crystal anyway, but I think she was just sad that the leatherworker ignored her "Like, boo!" when he ran up there to grab bones.

There's been a lot of births lately, just in case this sandpit didn't have enough useless dwarves running around what with the "nobles". A leatherworker canceled sewing an image to seek her new infant. Look, she literally just fell out of you, how hard can she be to find?! If I were her I'd just keep sewing and too bad if the baby gets a permanent cloak. She'll be a little dwarven superhero. The dwarf who canceled destroying a building? Should have destroyed the baby, save everyone the hassle. The countess who canceled drinking? NOBLES ARE VAMPIRES. Constructing a building? Save on glass! Storing an item in a barrel? Instant crib! It's not rocket science, dwarves.

And now, Elfbane Chaotika narrates a time skip...

Ahem. Deep breath. Okay, here we go. QUITE SOME TIME, a considerable amount of construction, many stunned sleepers outside in the sand, a small period of food stockpile organising, one failed goblin ambush, one idiot marksdwarf somehow straying far outside of defences and being attacked by the other half of said ambush some somehow defeating them alone and unharmed, half a dozen or so idiot snatchers now sleeping in cages, LOTS of vomit, five migrants who didn't realise applications to join our team finished sometime last year, one useless but surprisingly undemanding noble (a philosopher, apparently), eighteen thousand or so price changes, a crapload of masterpieces from Cookie and Sarek, twelve more war dogs for Rika (30 total now, which is probably enough no matter how much she's saddened seeing caged animals) ...

*GASP*

... somewhere around fifty five frames per second, twenty nine cages linked up by Maddy because she has the highest skill and nobody else thinks it's actually a good idea to have lever that effectively self destructs the laboratory, three times being informed there is nothing to catch in the western ocean despite Kibeth's ghost making an appearance to point out a school of herrings clearly swimming around further out, one trading session with humans, one with dwarves, six rock instruments for a band that went nowhere after Waylon refused to accept my awesome name "Microline Nightmares", one election of Warla just in time for a diplomat because nobody trusts Maddy to do it even though she swears she's been taking her medication, six shop sales (including ClearWater snatching a clothing store to compete against Warla), one secretive mood ...

*GASP*

... several mandates at least one of which was STILL impossible, one war dog death of old age (Kibeth's old pet), two legendary marksdwarves, three staircases purely for the purpose of rescuing masons, one female cat thrown into a magma pit by Hat (just to see if he would do it. It was cruel, but hilarious, and may or may not have been karmic), one "holy shit the Count is actually working by deconstructing something actually wait that pretty much sums nobles up" moment, fifteen more redundant cage traps and something like a dozen microline discoveries LATER, the prison -

And that's all we've got time for folks.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df209.PNG)
(Maddy invents antigravity!)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df210.PNG)
(Everything is connected to one lever. When I get bored of this fortress, it is my plan to pull it.)

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df211.PNG)
(This is where the marksdwarves patrol now.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on February 11, 2009, 11:42:21 pm

You've got love the 'decorative' pools of vomit in the prison. They really set off the green walls, don't you think?

Is glass the best thing for prisons though?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on February 12, 2009, 12:49:45 pm

someone wants me assassinated :<

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on February 13, 2009, 06:31:59 am

Quote from: Strife26 on February 11, 2009, 11:42:21 pm

Is glass the best thing for prisons though?

In-game functionality and resourcefully, yes. Thematically ... hell yes. ;D

(Swear to Armok I have the next chapter played, planned and half written. It's awesome how much I fail at my first attempt to use power, but manage to save face by justifying it storywise and pretending I planned it all along.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on February 13, 2009, 06:42:47 am

How do you get the goblins dumped? Don't dwarves shit themselves f they see goblins through glass?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: TheMirth on February 13, 2009, 10:59:07 am

Quote from: Jackrabbit on February 13, 2009, 06:42:47 am

How do you get the goblins dumped? Don't dwarves shit themselves f they see goblins through glass?

I believe only glass windows are transparent in DF. I picture glass bock walls as such:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Translucent but you don't get more than a fuzzy idea of what's on the other side.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on February 13, 2009, 07:36:17 pm

Quote from: Jackrabbit on February 13, 2009, 06:42:47 am

How do you get the goblins dumped? Don't dwarves shit themselves f they see goblins through glass?

All the goblins are still in cages, so it doesn't matter either way.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on February 14, 2009, 03:26:05 am

- CHAPTER FORTY: Power Failure -

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

14th Limestone
Hmm, after all the time and effort spent building the prison some dwarves are muttering we don't spend enough time beautifying our own fortress. There are other experiments I still have planned to run, but I suppose a small delay wouldn't hurt if it keeps them happy. I've ordered Bahl to finish digging the cinnabar out and soon this sandcastle will have an undeserved red carpet. It ... ugh, Urist.

"We need to talk."
I have tests to run, and you have stone to haul, so I wouldn't use that word.
"What, did you want to mime?"
... what?
"Nevermind. Look, I don't if you've noticed being out in the prison or your bedroom all day, but right now about half the fort thinks you're a Council traitor trying to provoke all out war with the goblins, kill us all by training an army from the prison, or have just forgotten your meds and have lost your mind. How do you respond?"
This is my laboratory, and if told everyone my intent it would bias the results.
"You don't know, do you."
Of course I do! I just ... don't ... remember right now. Look, I'm 95% sure I had everything figured out when I took these notes, and I'm nearly at the point where I can test our progress.
"I can't believe I'm saying this but ... Maddy, you need to give me your medication."
What?! I don't think so.
"You've said yourself you think clearer without it. You told me not long after the nobles arrived you suspected somebody was causing distractions and I don't think you just lost and found your medications by coincidence. I believe you, but somebody here IS working against us and they're afraid enough of what you learned to risk discovery."
You're just making things up for the sake of drama now. These are important experiments and I can't afford to risk losing control of these dwarves.
"Oh and that worked real well with ClearWater. You've built this fortress up enough that it practically runs itself. Let the Count take over as a figurehead if it will get him off your back. Hat and Warla are wise enough to make any real decisions. Cookie can easily keep everyone fed, Waylon can keep them entertained, Newb and the others can keep us safe, and if anyone can obsessively keep the place in order it's Sarek. This fortress doesn't need you as a leader anymore, Maddy, but what this race needs is a genius."
I ... I don't want to go back to her. Not again.
"But if you're following those notes then you clearly trust her. And wasn't it fun at the time?"
... sometimes, yeah.
"Well then. FUCK this dramatic scene, and start panicking about gremlins!"
The gremlins are all dead.
"Gremlin GHOSTS."
I don't think any ghosts could be more annoying than Crstyal.
"GIANT MECHA GREMLIN ZOMBIES. Yeesh, do I have to think of everything for you?"

16th Moonstone

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df212.PNG)
(Maggarg is now a High Master Idler.)

Oh yes, and the Count has mandated the construction of tin items. Again. We still don't have tin, but I've asked Warla to request it next time merchants come if only to SHUT THAT IDIOT UP. My god, and they called me mad. I can't believe I'm letting him act as our leader. No Maddy, you must think in the long term. When you save every dwarf from exile you will be respected. Anyway, the log, yes. In order to give our mechanics and glassmakers something to do I've ordered more traps with glass cages. They spell out the phrase "TRAP!". I've also ordered Cookie to stop cooking. Five thousand is enough food.

27th Moonstone
Steinunn: "Maddy. We've had another fey mood. A, urgh, clothier."
Do they have a name?
Steinunn: "Uh, yes. I think it was Ast Us-"
THEN I DON'T CARE.
Steinunn: "Not the reason I would have said, but okay. Brutus has also spotted another group of humans and goblins attacking."
Do they have a ranged?
Brutus: "No, they won't. I mean, don't."
THEN I DON'T CARE.
Brutus: "One of Rika's war dogs will be killed ..."
DON'T CARE.
Brutus: "Maggarg is just sleeping again, I think-"
DON'T CARE.
Steinunn: "Then, the loot-"
DON'T. CAAAAAARE.
Steinunn: "So is she mad again or just indifferent?"
Brutus: "I have no idea."

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df213.PNG)
(Maggarg is actually in love with Ruins now.)

4th Opal
I'm starting to install the next trap. The smell out here is awful, I need to build some kind of automated ... cleaning ... thing. This is an excellent idea, and I fully intend to pursue it once HOLY SOMETHINGORANOTHER one last human and goblin launched an ambush right next to Maggarg, he'll actually be forced to DO SOMETHING.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df214.PNG)
(More like, "The champion can't be arsed to work.")

Maggarg has drawn his short sword and the human has made his first attack. Maggarg is just dodging everything. He's attacking now, there's a blood everywhere and I can't quite see there's at least one flying limb in my way and the others are rushing in and ... Aha, nevermind. FALSE ALARM EVERYBODY, Strife made the kill. I can hear dwarves screaming though, I think there's another few goblins scaring the fishers from up on the cliff. Strife and Maggarg can deal with them. By which I mean, Strife and shortly after the exhunter will deal with them. That dwarf is never going to kill anybody. I should recruit him for the fortress guard. Ahahahahaha, Maggarg with authority, NO.

12th Opal
Oh, I LOVE this artifact. Musclelurched the fungi of virginity. It's a "bag". I should give it to Urist just to mock him.

19th Opal
The "TRAP!" is complete. Ackbar would be proud. Shortly after the last few cages were brought up I found one of Rika's war dogs locked in one. CONCLUSION: Dogs can not read. Now, to my water entry cleaner thing! I have had no previous experience in these kinds of constructions, but how hard could they be? First I'll need a power source, and sadly this time my guinea dwarves aren't going to cut it. I'll have a gearbox and two axles built, connecting to our old pump for the well, then design a windmill to be placed on top. NEWB!
"wut"
Get the military out there to protect Warla while she carries the wood out ... is ... that a snatcher?
"lol three in cages lolololol stupid fags"
Hmm. So snatchers ALSO can't read. This is valuable information!

2nd Obsidian
The construction of the windmill is finished, and it works exactly as planned! Even after the pump is automated, I'm estimating at least twenty unused power units from it. Water is splashing out of the well over the entrance and in retrospect maybe I should have installed an off switch before the axles. Eheh. HEY! Somebody kick that axle out before we flood the place! ... You know ... I really wish there was someway to use those spinning blades as a death trap, or power an automated wall crusher or SOMETHING. They're just too awesome to go to waste. Oh well, I guess I can use it to recharge Bahl sometime.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df215.PNG)
(Let's build a tower and drop Maggarg into the blades to see what happens!)

14th Obsidian
Alright, I'm done. The gearbox is connected to another lever in Warla's office and can be turned off at will. I just need someone to finish reconnecting the axle and ... EVERYBODY GET INSIDE! EVEN THE MILITARY, EVERYONE! Hurry hurry hurry, in an orderly manner! This is a REVERSE FIRE DRILL. No, Sarek, the workshops are fine. I don't care if you'll lose count, the sand isn't going anywhere. Look, just get inside and lock the floodgates behind you.

Alright! Now we just have to wait for the spreading water to clean all the vomit from our entrance! CARET UNDERSCORE CARET!

20th Obisdian
Colon open bracket, upon careful observation, it would seem the flow of water from the ocean through our tunnel is too slow to be pumped far enough to clean ANYTHING. All I've managed to achieve with this experiment is a five by five mudpit and a few squares of mist that nobody was there to enjoy. I could turn it off, but let's just leave it as is and call it a water features for the glass pyramid that I planned all along and you can't prove otherwise.
"Couldn't we just rewind the voicelog and check?"
Quiet you, Urist.

26th Obsidian
... them highly toxic for sieging goblins to consume, which is why I am therefore forced to conclude that stronger dwarves, from an evolutionary perspective, do not, in fact, shit. Further details I've recorded in file J12, which WAIT. Wait. Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. If that water features is still pumping, then there is controlled, constantly flowing water between the ocean and our fort. I could use this for waterwheels, to produce even MORE POWER which I could even use to pump another tunnel of water for theoretically infinitely available power to activate EVEN MORE PUMPS and with such an epic force of destructive might I could even ... even ... DRAIN THE OCEAN. Yes, if we dwarves aren't allowed to swim through the barrier then we will WALK UNDER IT by spreading out and EVAPORATING A PATH! I will be as a DWARVEN MOSES. EPIC WIN. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YES.

"Hi Maddy, I thought you should know, one of the cows in the TARDIS has died of old age."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
"I'll uh, I'll come back later."

12th Granite
Construction is under waa-aaaay! There are three waterwheel being built over the water tunnel, just next to the ocean. To the right of these are gearboxes and axels connecting them together, and just to the right of those are three new pumps connected to the ocean. I'll need more later, but this is just a proof of concept. Warla was complaining about how tiring and dangerous it was running all the way around our fortress to build the wheels, so I've had little bridge built for faster access around the other side of my artificial river. All the children seem to love running back and forth over it for some reason, I hope they fall in, I can thoroughly test the growth of dwarven lung capacity.

19th Granite
The wheels, pumps and connections are all finished, although the water feature has been turned off to avoid them activating prematurely. All we're waiting for is for somebody to hook the last gearbox up to a lever inside. This is proving more difficult than I had imagined, because despite latent telepathic powers to know when the waves have pushed a mechanism half a metre away, nothing can stop dwarves getting UTTERLY BAMBOOZLED by it or just getting BORED and having to start over again.

You know what, the voices are right, and I missed their advice. I might as well start drowning the world ... because killing the top gearbox will stop the pumps running even with the others still going. ELFBANE! Pull that lever, we need to get the flow moving again!
"Are you sure this is a good idea, Maddy?"
Would it matter if it wasn't?
"Yes, actually, but okay I'll trust you." *ka-pull!*
... *nothing*
... *nothing*
.
.
.
*Nothing!*
"Well that was an anticlimax."
It just a needs a moment for the water to start flowing through, it'll work fine!
"..."
Actually, somebody seems to have screwed up when hooking the levers up, the gearboxes near the ocean seem to be disengaged. Try spam flipping it for a while until it evens out or something.
"..."
Okay, so maybe the flow just isn't FAST ENOUGH, but that's EASY to fix. I mean, all we have to do is build a new pump just south of the waterwheels and manually move the water out of way like that it saves us the need for a killswitch of course and there's already an access tunnel from where we were digging obsidian which can be mined up to that level and a walled enclosure on most sides using the solid part of the pump should keep the dwarf dry at least Ithinkwecanalwaysbuilditlongeracrosstheplaceifthere'saproblemandIguessthecagestrapsareinthewaynowbutwecantakethemdownitdoesn'treallymatterifthemessagespells"rap!"it'snotlikethegoblinsareblackoranythingsothatshouldbefinefineFINE!
"I'm not sure if you need more drugs or less drugs right now."

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df216.PNG)
(If you look to the far right, you can just see Maggarg.)

7th Slate
... no that's fine, now just channel that square there so the pump can reach the water and WHY IS THERE WATER EVERYWHERE WHO TURNED THIS THING ON wait it's just the water rushing to fill that one square, it'll stop in a second ... right about ... about .. uh, whoops.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df217.PNG)
(In her defence, Maggarg was making very distracting funny faces at the time.)

KILLSWITCHKILLSWITCHKILL thank you exhunter, now somebody go build some MORE PUMPS because if this accident has taught me anything it's that more water movement is always better. Oh I just remembered, somebody go knock a few walls down from around the trapped entrance, wagons aren't going to fit through at the moment. Hey is it just me or does anybody else get the feeling time has suddenly mellowed out? No?

17th Slate

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df218.PNG)
(These gearboxes are as useless as Maggarg.)

Um. Two of my waterwheels just fell apart. Elfbane, why did they do that?
"Now would be a bad time to mention that your windmill has also exploded, huh?"
It WHAT.
"There are only two options here, Maddy. Either you believe that these constructions fell down of their accord due to, pft, 'gravity' after toggling the gearboxes ... OR ... There is a traitor in our midst, afraid of what you have achieved, who sabotaged them."
Let me check the designs, I think I forgot to carry my zeroes somewhere around NEW PLAN EVERYBODY GET INSIDE!
"Maddy, what are you doing?!"
Start humming that boss fight music, Elfbane, we still have one waterwheel, three completed pumps and a sizable flooding cavern powering them. TURN ON THE POWER AND LET THE OCEAN DRYER DO WHAT IS MUST TO DESTROY THE BARRIER AND SAVE US ALL! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df219.PNG)
(Maggarg Maggarg Maggarg Maggarg Maggarg.)

7th Felsite
...
"..."
...
"... So the power from three clumped pumps wasn't anywhere near enough to do any more than lower the tide a bit, which means you've pretty much spent all that time and effort for a puddle, huh?"
(Yes, our traitor may have risked themselves to stop it, but I can conclude this much: Fate cannot be fooled, and the danger must be real ...)
"Maddy?"
Ahem. Well at least my other project has gone smoothly!
"Other project?"
Yes. I call it, a room full of chairs.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df220.PNG)
(Ruins!)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on February 14, 2009, 04:42:42 am

Chairs hooray! Hows brutus doing with his legendary hammer?

And has anyone successfully drained the ocean before?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on February 14, 2009, 04:58:37 am

Hey, if I mandated stuff I could be a noble.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on February 15, 2009, 03:07:29 am

A traitor?

The cow must have caught on, and been killed for it's trouble . . .

Ahhhhhh!!!

We need secret hatched tunnels to every room with hidden spying ports so that we can figure out who is behind this!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on February 15, 2009, 04:42:21 am

Brutus is just kind of militarying around, VERY occasionally sparring, safeguarding construction dwarves from ambushes and whatnot. He's still only dabbling with the hammer, despite having it for ages. He currently has two kills (one human, one goblin), about forty water coverings, and is ecstatic despite being married with five children.

As for the draining the ocean, no. It's just going to keep refilling. Draining or sealing off PARTS of the ocean is doable.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on February 15, 2009, 05:10:50 am

That hapened in another fort as well. Nobody told me I had kids. Hell, I was awoman

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on February 20, 2009, 09:23:18 pm

Update: So what with my water based projects in the last and next chapter, I've managed to crash my FPS from 55 down to about 7 without even finishing the project I'd hoped to do for Chapter 41. It's sort of mildly impressive as it is, but I really don't have the patience to finish it, it's not something I can just turn off, and I'm pretty much going to abandon this fortress now because it's too painful. I will still write up what I've done for the next chapter, but after that it'll be an entirely BS chapter finishing tying off the story. And probably a hiatus thrown in too, because I am kind of working on something I consider more awesome than this (polishing, preparing, and publishing a couple of serious fantasy novels via the internet) but there will be a Fort #4 eventually.

Sorry guys.

:-\

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on February 20, 2009, 10:40:58 pm

Nooooo!

I claim another Brutus for the next fort (still on military)! Find a way to kill this one!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on February 20, 2009, 11:00:57 pm

:(

We drink to the sandcastle tonight!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on February 21, 2009, 06:07:04 am

I claim another Maggarg for the next fort!
may he be as lazy as he is dim.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: muwahahaha on February 21, 2009, 06:04:26 pm

Ah well, I'm happy that the fort goes down this way as aopposed to a whole plethora of others.

I would also like to clam a dwarf for the next fort please.

Marlkaris, M pref, but I'm not attached to it.
Starting perhaps as a crafter but when you start the military switch him/her to a swordsdwarf please.

Thanks!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on February 21, 2009, 06:40:07 pm

(http://nameless.frihost.net/images/dwarf/df224.PNG)

I'd also planned to build two loooooong floor / walled pipe thing OVER the ocean to pump more water out from the sides, and then maybe try and build a road or something through the middle.

Sidenote: I might as well mention, when I get around to doing the next fort it's planned to be in the most dangerous biome I can find, heavily military, and roughly 50% comprised of a compulsory nude lesbian mud wrestling army. So yeah, think about that before you try and claim in advance.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on February 21, 2009, 08:14:21 pm

Brutus is technically immortal. I'm in.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Haika on February 21, 2009, 10:52:33 pm

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on February 21, 2009, 06:40:07 pm

Sidenote: I might as well mention, when I get around to doing the next fort it's planned to be in the most dangerous biome I can find, heavily military, and roughly 50% comprised of a compulsory nude lesbian mud wrestling army. So yeah, think about that before you try and claim in advance.

Is this a warning or an encouragement? Either way, count me in :D.

Dwarf: Namingway
Profession: clerk/trader/manager - bookish jobs prefered, dosen't have to be all just one, and if you don't want to do that, I'll happily take a craft, maybe weaver or carpenter.
Gender: Dosen't matter

extra: Namingway Always refers to Namingway in the third person. Namingway likes beetles, and Namingway is constantly on the lookout for them(the bugs, though if you find the band, I'm sure Namingway will be very interested). Namingway will 'scan' and make quick judgements based on logical conclusions and Namingway is very, 'robot' like in Namingway's dwarfisms. :)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: MC Dirty on February 22, 2009, 11:48:21 am

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Strife26 on February 23, 2009, 01:03:34 am

I'll have someone, just not now. Lesbian soldiers ::)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: DFNewb on March 02, 2009, 07:25:27 pm

That was really funny your "Diary" of Newb.

Also before any questions no I do not speak like that.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Flintus10 on March 02, 2009, 09:21:10 pm

I'll take one of the non-lesbian soldeirs
Name:Flint
Job:Swordsdwarf
Personality:No moral, no honour will lie cheat steal and kick bite and scratch and even throw some dirt in the face of opponents if it means he can stay alive. Has no pity and really only looks out for himself. Favourite pastimes killing things that are weaker than him, using his comrades as meatshields so he can escape things stronger than him. Least favourite pastimes anything else involving work.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: gumball135 on March 11, 2009, 03:59:40 pm

Ahhh, just finished reading this. Great job :D

Serious fantasy novels, eh? Mind posting a linky when you're done?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on March 24, 2009, 06:57:32 am

Update every "[img]". For great justice.

Hey everyone. Guess what. I'm still on hiatus while I plug the crap out my new website and its contents. Buuuuuut ... In the meantime, here's (http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab.html) an online archive of Fortresses One and Two.

Did I mentioned I was plugging the crap out of my new website? I am! Here's a short plug for it:

Free short stories, with themes ranging from the importance of words to appearances to ambiguous death! Yaaaaaay! ALSO. Humour, from a novelisation of (somebody else's) comedy machinima to a serious poem created only from direct chronological quotes from the preface to the 1993 edition of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary (yes really).

Aaaaaand ... a free, serious, original fantasy novel available for download. (Set in a barbarian tribe in a time of shortage and approaching war, themes of helplessness, betrayal and I can't think of a single word to describe "where you draw the line for something".) There is also a longer, better written fantasy novel and a vaguelly themed poetry compilation available for purchase, with information and free previews of each available on the site.

http://www.maybeepic.com (http://www.maybeepic.com) Check it out. Tell your friends. Get a tattoo of it. Either one. [/End plug]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: gumball135 on March 24, 2009, 11:20:42 am

Looks interesting. I might just have to take a peek :) Any idea when you will be... off... hiatus?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on April 19, 2009, 12:52:21 am

- CHAPTER FORTY ONE: A Prelude To Cacophony -

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

7th Felsite
Maddy's Journal. 7th Felsite. Woke up with a cold this morning. Forehead is hot, and voice is deep. Deep as the ocean of sin whose waves gently caress our fortress. There's a traitor swimming the dark, bloodied tide. One of the nobles? No, these seeds of chaos were sewn too far back. But even nobles are no better than cockroaches. Their chambers are littered with clothes. Some of them Elfbane's. Their fornication sickens me. Not - not literally sickens me, it was flu that did that. I'm wearing a mask to keep the others healthy. I can wander the sandcastle unrecognised. Watch subjects. Investigate motives. This fortress is afraid of me. Too many failed inventions. Too many mood swings forced upon me. There was an experiment, they believe. There still is. We've all been exiled to rot in our own destruction. The magical barrier is the lock, and only I imagine the key. I am a scientist. I never wanted to be a leader. A means to an end. Whatever else, I will never surrender my ideals.

Merchants tell tales of demons walking the land. Goblins break our treaty to siege dwarven fortresses. The king elect watches us, and who knows who else has spies among our ranks. The time for dwarven destiny is at hand. So when the accumulated filth of all their mandates and party attendences start giving negative thoughts then all the nobles and idlers will look up and shout "Tin items!" ... and I'll look down and whisper "No."

"Hey, Maddy!"
Urist.
"That exhunter was asking Warla if the Haul Brigade could start stockpiling and building floors from all the stone in the mines. Short story even shorter, the Count complained about who he asked and Hat nearly copped a hammer in the face. Cookie did."
Hurm. Build it. It'll keep the idlers busy while I plan. Speaking of which. I swear, that failed construction out the front is sucking the life out of me. Take out the wood and save what you can.
"Why would I save a vampire I no longer have a stake in?"
Wh- what? ... Elfbane, I've given you an instruction. When were you planning to do it?
"Do it? I did it 35 minutes ago."
...
"What, we weren't referencing ..."
NO! I actually don't want to spread my cold, and I'm a little bit grumpy about it.
"Oh. Well everyone falls sick eventually. I suppose it was only a matter of-"
OUT!

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

24th Opal
She hasn't given up.

From this, I can deduce a great many things, but perhaps the most important is this: The Mad Scientist has been made aware of my presence. If she was still medicated while constructing the first attempted ocean drainer, she would have realised the futility then and there. The mere idea is madness, but in her position she might have adopted the guise for the sake of the fortress; she has remained idle from experimenting too long for many dwarves to truly consider her important otherwise. To have witnessed such a spectacular failure, and yet still try again, can only mean that she is truly mad, or has stumbled upon something truly genius. Either way, she was taking the medication until recently, and I know her enough that it would take a serious threat for her to willingly forego it. And I am the only threat still not under her control.

Having the observed the quantity of water flowing into our old obsidian mines, Maddy considered the possibility of removing a path of water not by evaporation, but by flowing it directly into the aquifer. Her first experiment concluded today; a single square pit near the coast down into the aquifer. The constant waves made finding the aquifer level difficult, and the pit filled without any noticeable effects. Maddy is undeterred; she plans to try again where the waves cannot reach tomorrow.

14th Hematite
Of course the moment The Mad Scientist became aware a traitor existed, they had less to lose from their position. I have been acting more openly, aware of the risk. Maddy is unpopular enough that many dwarves still loyal to Warla or the Count will appear no less suspicious. Even so, this game must end soon. The last few attacks here have been notably weak, no more than failed surveillance. True danger must approach soon. Too, I know Maddy's experiments are not entirely the madness they seem; if all goes as I expect, she will inadvertently touch the keystone to our confinement.

The flooring project was a partial success. Many otherwise idle dwarves are set on constructing each square, and Warla was extremely unwilling to cancel and later re-designate the entire area even when the labor was required elsewhere. Unfortunately Maddy is not flustered and her latest experiment still progressing. A larger and deeper pit reaching into the aquifer, with a constructed roof to contain any excess, and water pumped manually (for now) from a channel to the ocean. There were a few concerns, such as being unable to reconstruct a floor on the first pit (Maddy was muttering "edge of the map"), waves reaching into the pit when the channel was dug too early and at least one dwarf inevitably falling in.

There was an unplanned but pleasing distraction at the Trade Depot today. Steinunn accused the humans of leading several goblin ambushes. The humans retorted with accusations of bastardy. Waylon tried to make peace before one merchant noticed the remnants of the first attempted ocean drainer. It took the Count mandating more non-existent tin objects to diffuse the tension, but these dwarves made no friends today.

24th Hematite
The backlash is already starting to occur. Sarek was the first to notice it, the slightest warble of the sun's progress. Brutus was the second, uneasy that not everything was quite how he recalled. Waylon laughs that he made the water disappear, but he could feel the tremor at his feet. The ocean touches the barrier, and the barrier was not made to be disturbed. Maddy takes it as a sign of success, and it is, but. There are no consequences I cannot manipulate. And there is no success I cannot turn around. The world outside the island depends on this.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df221.PNG)
(Conservation of mass is for the weak!)

Maddy's plan succeeded, in theory. The water did vanish entirely as it reached the aquifer. The current pit is useless, requiring dwarfpower, too small and too far from the ocean to do much. Still, she is pleased with herself, and has begun the construction of, as she puts it "The FIRST phase of the SECOND mark of my LAST project to turn those blue SEVENS into ZEROES. THREE through SIX, I don't even care." It will be a wider pit right next to the ocean, more carefully constructed bottom up with a hatch cover to keep out water, and water pumping will be automated by windmills.

1st Galena
In a way, it is truly sad. For years I've worked silently, finding secrets, growing in power, removing foes, and yet the one woman I find with the understanding to undo everything I have worked for ... is mad. She doesn't even know who hides among her ranks, but here I stand and almost consider her a rival. I, the only sane dwarf, pitted against the most insane. Ah, but it would be too strong a word. Maddy has raw genius, perhaps, but she lacks dedication; soon it will be her undoing.

Last month a fisherdwarf went insane because The Mad Scientist forgot about him. Even Warla was too busy to attend to the matter, if only through managing several shops. I hear Kibeth's ghost was less than impressed. While digging the Ocean Drainer Mk2, Hat came across the discovery there was no aquifer near the ocean. This discovery did not please all the dwarves who had waited and worked to bring stone out through the caves. Maddy insisted it had been worth it to defeat the gremlins. In any case, a passage was dug from the pit south to where the aquifer began; only a few square metres were dug before the pit began to flood FROM the aquifer and the dwarves fled in terror. The OD2 is nearly completed now (after several lengthy delays from waves pushing objects) but most dwarves are unsure if it will still work or not. The last axel is being ordered as I speak.

5th Galena
And so, from a sandpit struggling to function to a glass-wielding experimental prison, the stage is set. From those shunned by fate to those who grasp time in their hand, the pieces are in place. Above a lava field, beneath a goblin prison, before an angry world and beside a deadly ocean, the true madness begins. What else could I expect?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df222.PNG)
(Beyond epic - beyond stupid epic - and beyond just stupid - you reach dwarf.)

A Page From The Diary Of Elfbane Chaotika

6th Galena
Well diary, it's hard to aptly describe the scene in front of me right now. I'm writing this from outside the fortress, and I can see the ocean literally being sucked away into nothingness as it rolls in. The whole seaside just dips, it's like anti-wave or something. And this is only the beginning. Maddy showed me her plans this morning, and get this: First she's going to dig a tunnel underneath the ocean. Then, starting as far away as possible, the miners are going to poke holes in the ocean floor. POKE HOLES IN IT. I love that, I can't write it enough. Convincing the miners they're not going to drown literally ever step of the way underneath the ocean might prove tedious, and they might be a little risk when doing the poking, but still, it'll be worth it!

Madness does have its downsides though. Maddy nearly lost several teeth after a miner exclaimed they had struck pineapple opal. She accidentally ordered a hostile camel placed in the TARDIS too, while the military were elsewhere. It harmlessly ran wild. Strife tried to catch it when he returned but ended up lost in the workshops. A few hours later Sarek found it hiding in one of the unused ones and nearly had a heart attack.

P.S. Here's the first draft of my commemorative poem:

The ocean breeze blows.
What memories of dolphins
linger in its sand?

17th Galena
Something distinctly ominous has been happening in the last few days. It sounds crazy, but time seems to be slowing down. All the water rushing from the ocean, just thinking about it makes every minute feel like an hour. And that's not all. The beer has been tasting strange too, and Cookie is sure it's the water rather than the plants. There have been several small earthquakes, and Bahl has been acting a bit buggy. It's times like these I'm afraid to be the comical sidekick.

Anyway. Three miners braved the run to poke holes in the ocean. It worked almost perfectly, nine out of the the ten planned holes were poked in time. One of the miners made it out safely and one was trapped in the flooded tunnel and only just escaped before drowning. His mule wasn't as lucky. The last miner escaped UPWARDS and ended up standing in the drained ocean with no safe way back to the fortress.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df223.PNG)
(This? This is what you don't GET in commercial games.)

The miner spent a while running back and forth, then realised he could hack more holes in the ocean from his position. With each extra hole, the water flowed away faster, and he could walk out into the ocean a little bit further. After a while the water was refilling too fast from the north and he was feeling thirsty, so he headed back to the beach and dug himself an up staircase between the pipes. Just another day in the life of a dwarf.

23rd Galena
My fellow unappreciated entertainer Waylon has been taken by a mood! He ran off very slowly towards a forge, and very slowly constructed The Price Of Murdering, a copper sarcophagus with no decorations but bands of copper. Warla very slowly laughed when she was asked to appraise it, yet I can not help but feel Waylon truly appreciates the nature of our fortress. Maddy even had it very slowly carried to the tombs and very slowly designated it as Waylon's.

What the heck is very slowly going on here?

2nd Limestone
Bahl has refused to continue mining, spitting out errors from all the tremors recently. The rest of the miners soon followed, afraid of what might happen if they continued digging in these conditions. They're all masoning now, constructing the floor and unwillingly starting the next phase of Maddy's OD2. The design is crazy, long pipes and windmills pumping water from overhanging paths far out over the ocean, supported only by a few squares on the beach. I'm not sure if they're more afraid of it collapsing or of it WORKING. If these

The recovered document ends here. The rest was lost to flames.

[Author's Note: At this point the minimal FPS became too frustrating to continue. The next chapter and final chapter for this fortress will be entirely fictional. Well, more so than before.]

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df224.PNG)
(DF physics are estimated to be 15 times more awesome than ours.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Jackrabbit on April 19, 2009, 01:16:30 am

Yes! You're back! I did say I wanted Brutus to be in the next fort right? With all his stupid, incomprehensible time bending?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Boksi on April 19, 2009, 01:05:14 pm

Did I claim a dwarf for the next fort yet? I can't remember.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on April 19, 2009, 01:56:26 pm

I claim a maggarg for the next fort.
may he be even less useful.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: sonerohi on April 19, 2009, 02:33:26 pm

Do I have a dwarf here? I thought I did but it appears that I haven't posted in this (according to those little pictures on the side of the thread name).

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: muwahahaha on April 19, 2009, 06:19:54 pm

Posted before but just in case. I was worried that you had abandoned the ADAB's.

Quote from: muwahahaha on February 21, 2009, 06:04:26 pm

Ah well, I'm happy that the fort goes down this way as aopposed to a whole plethora of others.

I would also like to clam a dwarf for the next fort please.

Marlkaris, M pref, but I'm not attached to it.
Starting perhaps as a crafter but when you start the military switch him/her to a swordsdwarf please.

Thanks!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Sir_Geo on April 19, 2009, 07:53:33 pm

Good to see you back, I've thoroughly enjoyed your past stories and I really look forward to what comes next.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on April 21, 2009, 10:59:17 pm

Are you read for an EPIC WALL OF TEXT?! Let's just say I was enjoying myself a little bit too much writing certain sections of this chapter. What can you do. (And don't you dare say "editing", that would totally ruin the awesome that is Maggarg's scene.)

Your usual DF silliness resumes once I've picked a location for the next fortress. Any suggestions for particularly dangerous biomes that still have ready access to water? (Undead carp. Where do you find those, anyway?)

Also to clear something up with claiming dwarves: In this next fort, EVERY female dwarf will be stripped and recruited, while NO male dwarves will be in the military. Also, I'd still rather not reuse suggested dwarves from previous forts; story logistics aside, I find it more interesting to write.

- CHAPTER FORTY TWO: What I Had To Do -

Unknown Time. Unknown Date.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

My investigations are complete, as instructed. I regret, however, to inform the Council that I have been unable to conclusively determine the events of "the Day" in "the Seeing Sands". By the time I was able to view the site in person there was little left to investigate. "The Seeing Sands" have been reduces to little more than individual granules, shattered glass and clumps of copper. No traces of tin where found. The goblin army had returned to their capital a day earlier. Copies of my letter correspondence are included but other than your informant's, shall we say, unique style there was nothing more of interest to be learned.

A *Ominous Static* In The Life Of: Stozu Aturomnu, Goblin Wrestler

Uh, uh. Back me up here, snatchers.

There's this pit by the sea and that's where it's AT
Said my gobbo leaders we're all goin' there STAT
And then down on the beach that's where I saw THAT
A little bitty message readin' in carRETs
Well it spelled out "raps", now they call us "prats"
But don't be a hata 'cause this beat is PHAT

Now I don't know why we are here in this PLACE
Lingering outside is quite a disGRACE
Some Drainer out the front they need to rePLACE
Exploding from sabotage by dwarf RACE
It's not really "safe", they're stuck in that "space"
Watching it all burn is funny like your FACE

Now all my hoes better get the fuck OUT
With the fire and the quakes that's roof's not STOUT
And the magma field is gonna blow aBOUT
With my lost prison bitches running throughOUT
You'll kill us! dwarves "shout", sure ours AIs "devout"
But no dwarves ever left so they're dead, no DOUBT.

... Shit, I am the whitest goblin ever.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

None of the dwarves known to be within the fortress on "the Day" have been seen elsewhere. It is plausible that one or two of them have survived, however given the quantity of fresh blood I detected over within the disturbed topsoil I can guarantee that well over a hundred living creatures perished.

A *Ominous Static* In The Life Of: ClearWater, Fisherdwarf

ClearWater: And, um, please don't tell anyone else. If they found out I had such a stupid fear they'd never take me seriously.
Hat: Of course, of course. Now, what is it about the livestock that particularly scares you?
ClearWater: I'm ... I'm not sure.
Hat: Hmm. Let me tell you what I think. You've mentioned in our previous sessions that you find it hard to treat felow dwarves as individuals, yes?
ClearWater: Ah, yes.
Hat: Well, in a way you've had a problem with treating them as 'livestock' in order to further your goals. Now I'm not saying that's always a bad and to some extent it's unavoidable with any high aspirations, but could it be that what you're afraid of in real livestick is your inability to control them in the -
*brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrBRBRBRBR-KKKKDOOOOOOOOMMMM!!*
*kfffTSHCH!*
*thmp-thmp-Thmp-Thmp!*
Warla: HAT! Get out here, that last quake just shattered the TARDIS!
ClearWater: What's a tardis?
Hat: Oh.
*bathuhbathuhbathuhbathuhbathuhbathuhbathuhbathuh*
*Moooobarkooooeeeehormeowneighoooomewbarkeeeehorneighidontevenknownwhatsoundacamelmakesoooo*
Clear: ... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Similarly, there is no evidence to suggest the goblins held captive in "the Seeing Sands" remain alive. The reports from the goblin army suggest that the glass prison was the last structure to collapse due to the earthquakes and would logically have been the last touched by the rising magma. The questions since raised by the goblin community - How were the captives treated? Why were they being held? - can only be subject to guesswork, or left unanswered.

A *Ominous Static* In The Life Of: Rika, Wrestler

I don't think their faces will ever leave me. Everyone who died in that attack, goblin and dwarf alike. It was a horrible battle. I'd always put on a brave face and a beautiful smile - or so I'm told - in the face of danger before, but this ... There are some things that would change any dwarf. The mutilated bodies will haunt my sleep, but it was the futility more than anything else. The goblins had been caged for so long they were just glad to walk around, at least until the marksdwaves started firing. They only loosened a few shots before realising somebody had stolen their bolt reserves, but it was enough. Before I knew it the war hounds had attacked and I found myself charging in as usual, but I didn't really know why. Earth and magma were trembling, our machinery was exploding; there was nothing left we could save but ourselves, but our orders were always to throw that away.

And yet.

There was one moment. Newb had his squad had charged inside the prison themselves, but had been ambushed and surrounded by some of the lingering goblins. That exhunter had gone missing, so Brutus had ran to aid them. The rest of my squad had remained down the staircase, desperately fighting to keep the goblins away from the main corridors. Udil had been badly wounded and staggered unconscious into the corner, behind a caged camel. Urvad was already dead, killed after two goblin macemen had landed lucky blows to his head. Suddenly, Strife had fallen down dazed from the upper levels, chased by three furious goblins. They knocked him to the floor and pinned him down. I struggled to reach him, but other goblins barred my path. I had a few spare weapons from fallen goblins, but it was too dark for a clear shot. One goblin grinned cruelly and raised his sword. There was nothing I could do. All the civilian dwarves had long since fled. There was nobody left who could save him. There was nobody left who could do anything to brighten the situation.

And then, from the brinks of despair, the slightest breeze could be felt slowly wafting through the room, tracing our skin and raising hairs on every dwarf and goblin. With the quietest, and yet most powerful creak in all history the battling forces froze, turning their heads in fear and awe towards the fading echo of the shocking sound. Standing at the door was a majestic, heavenly silhouette, framed by an aura of trickling sand from the tremoring roof, accompanied by a deep and ominous rumbling from the ocean, growling as if to announce the presence of our destined saviour. From somewhere in the fortress a faint rendition of orchestral music could be heard to clash, and the sounds of a dozen dwarves praying desperately together in vaguely ominous Latin began to reach their inevitable crescendo. A lantern in the corridor swayed and flickered, casting shadows across the room and ever so briefly illuminating the body of our hero, a grizzly face set in determination, feet planting firmly in the sandy ground even as dust and grit lingered from his last steps, arm outstretched and pointing as if to challenge the gods themselves to defy him. That dwarf. Was Maggarg.

"Hey where. Did I leave. MY WATERSKIIIIIIN!?" he cried, thrusting his hands downwards, spreading his palms wide, and with one movement altering the very core of the one object that controlled not just the fate of the helpless and grievously wounded Strife, but the lights hanging from the artificial roof. For the briefest moment nobody drew breath as nothing appeared to happen, then electrical signals flew through the room and burst into existance overheard, casting a glorious radiance upon the battle, twinkling off the slick scarlet puddles upon the ground, shining through the cages like the threads of time that bound us all in their webs, leading everything and everyone towards this very defining moment of ultimate intervention.

The goblins, their eyes staring and shrunken from the damned rays that cut away their hope like vicious scythes through unbelieving grass, exposed by the now perfectly still hands of their unsuspected assailant, could do nothing but scream out the bitterness and frustration of knowing that in that moment, all their aspirations had been shattered as surely as the damning waves upon our machine ridden shore. As if moving in slow motion they dropped to their knees and howled, bringing their hands upwards to cover their putrid green faces. At their side, the weapon once seemingly destined to be the death of a fellow dwarf was released at last, dropping like a feather slowly through the air so thick from tension that it threatened to suffocate those watching. It spun, twice, the handle rotating now free from the controls of the tyrannical butchers so bent on its bloodying, then tip first touched upon the sandy ground, falling to the side upon the staircase and finally clattering, ever so gently, upon the lead upwards stairway. It was, at last, over.

"No seriously guys, who took my fucking waterskin."

Maybe there is hope for us dwarves after all.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

As a minor note, I did encounter one dwarf lingering amongst the debris; a ghost by the name of Kodak. I attempted to interrogate him, with no success. Once I had mentioned The Mad Scientist he fell silent and into tears. (Of ectoplasm.) I concluded from his previous stammering the ghost had not been present on "the Day" and knew nothing of importance.

A *Ominous Static* In The Death Of: Kodak, Mason

Maddy looks really saaad today. She won't tell me why. She just ignores me, as usual. I remember once, just after I'd first died, when Maddy actually took the time to sign my coffin. Squee, it was so awesome! I'd spend more time resting there but what if something happens to her while I'm gone? I can't wait for Maddy to die just we can finally talk at length again and maybe she can invent something to bring us back from the dead because she's just awesome like that.

Oh, wait! Right now Maddy has just left her laboratory! I don't know what she was doing inside, she invented this electrical thing that keeps me out. I wonder why? She looks determined now, I think she's had another idea. Her ears are doing that cute little twitching thing like they usually do when she has one. She's walking towards the fortress entrance, probably all the way to the OD2 by her pacing, but she's avoiding speaking to any of the other dwarves around. As if they even deserved to live in this castle after shunning her for, tch, Warla and the Count. When Maddy's sleeping I like to spit ectoplasm at them and their kin. Now the Countess thinks Elfbane has premature ejaculation, heeheehee.

Ah! There's Elfbane now, he's blocking Maddy's path!

Elfbane (over-dramatic, unappreciative, ugly, living punk): Maddy, we need to talk.
Maddy (<3): Hahaha. Isn't that what you said last time? You know, before this sandcastle started crumbling?
Elfbane: I couldn't see inside your mind. Only you could do that, and you made that choice.
Maddy: And now purple has taken over everyone and I'm starting to wish I'd invented a DEATH SHIELD to counter their DEATH GLARES and turn them into DEATH RAYS that cause DEATH. DEADLY DEATH. Of doom. More Ds than a supermodel's breasts, that's what I need. What about you Elfbane? You look unhappy, it doesn't suit you.
Elfbane: This was fun until dwarves started losing their lives. Well, aside from the shell thing. And Kodak. Anyway, two were just found crushed by shattered glass in the storage, and all that was left to identify them were their pig tail robes, dyed from hide root. All I want to know, Maddy, is WHY you made that choice.
Maddy: Because of that magical barrier that's keeping every dwarf on this island.
Elfbane: What, ghosts can get through?
Maddy: ... Not as far as I know, but that's a good point! Hey, Kodak. I take it you're still there?
Wheee! Maddy spoke to me!
Maddy: It would really help me if you could float out over the ocean and see if you can reach beyond the shipwrecks out there. When you get back, leave a message in ectoplasm or something outside my door.
Yes! Anything to help Maddy's experiments! Let me just take a moment to gather my will power ...
Elfbane: You tried to tell me once before, when I was delivering your meds, didn't you?
Maddy: Really? I just remember delicious candy for some reason.
Elfbane: Uh ...
Maddy: Anyway! Right. Let's see. When the elves first designed the barrier to keep us dwarves on this island, they still knew there was always the slightest chance that someday they might need to free us. Not even they can tell what arbitrary evil or other dangers might threaten the world a century from now. So, they left a back door. Normally, the magic would stop any dwarf reaching the other coast BUT the barrier also contains some basic divination magic. Through feeling extremities of emotion, it can detect danger. If the danger it detected was sufficiently high that other races on either side of the barrier must be in serious danger then it would deteriorate and allow passage for all.
Elfbane: You don't mean ...
Maddy: Yes. The magical barrier around this island is driven by plot. Testing this has been the true purpose of my experiments.
Elfbane: You really are mad. But you know what, Maddy? I still trust you.
Maddy: Thank you, Elfbane.
Hmph. I've heard enough of THIS. Time to go complete Maddy's mission!

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Few objects of note survived "the Seeing Sands"' destruction. The most informative were loose pages from a diary. Copies are attached. An avid reader might be pleased; outside of the damage radius a second item was recovered relating to the diary. A wooden barrel, with a scrawled message across the front: "Warning! Excessively dangerous fire imps! Do not allow contact with lava! This side up." It is highly likely an eager and stupid goblin discovered it while scavenging and carried it to safety before "the Seeing Sands" collapsed completely. The barrel is empty now, save for legible scratchings and traces of fresh cat urine. As one of those scratches reads "Elfbane was here!" it is likely that dwarf and a clever cat escaped alive within it.

The Bored Scratchings Of Elfbane Chaotika

Clothed in darkness, shadows bind me
Warnings for goblins who find me
Scrawled outside while I sit in fear
Of what happens if I'm still here
Magma rises and prisons fall
Then there's no survivors at all
Our fort becomes an arena ...
Save us, deux ex machina

Meh.

There once was a dwarf from boatmurdered
Who escaped as the madness was furthered
She was but a child
Who somehow still smiled
"Doombringer" the passersby murmured

... I've got nothing.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Secondly, a small machine of interest was buried deep within the debris. A cursory examination suggests it was used for recording and replaying audio. The internal components were missing when I located it, ~~possibly~~ ~~presumably~~ undeniably broken and destroyed in the disaster.

The Mad Scientist's Voice Log

HAHAHAHAHA. I've figured it out. I know who the traitor is. I spent all of last night drinking coffee and looking through my files and drinking more coffee and listening to my voice logs and drinking coffee and piecing together locations from Warla's old schedules and holy shit do I need to pee right now but that's not important! The only dwarf in this fortress who has had the physical opportunity for each sabotage, pill swapping or idea seeding is that exhunter who came in with the first migrant wave. What was his motive? I couldn't figure it out until just now when I was talking to Elfbane. It's the barrier; it doesn't just function on plot, since my experiments began here it has also been GENERATING plot as part of the feedback. And if the tales from merchants are anything to go by, the only dwarf who has caused as much chaos in the world as to be drawn in so early by this feedback is the one who controlled the damned fortress on the goblin's sacred grounds ...

"Lady Ruins."
There he, uh, she is! GET HER, COLOURS!
"Spare me the medicated foolery, I know the level of understanding you have reached. Why else would you be hiding away in your chambers when as we speak hostile goblins are pouring unhindered from a prison of your own design?"
What? All I've done here is research to try and reduce the barrier's backlash. Did you ..?!
"Release them? Of course. Why, you were going to do the same thing in your little drama eventually."
Not until I was ... Forget that! What are you doing here? You've been too careful before now. If you think your military training is enough to kill me ...
"I would be correct. I don't believe you've ever invent a weapon. However, given the volcanic disturbance and approaching goblin army from the outside, I came here to offer you a choice."
No.
"My, and I haven't even asked the question."
You don't need to, Ruins. I don't know how, but you've known all along what I've been doing. You knew how the barrier worked. You might pretend to care about me now, but you've been hindering this experiment since the first day you arrived here. You didn't want me to find out. You didn't want this happen. And you don't want these dwarves to escape the island alive. That's all I need to know.
"Ah, Maddy. You speak as if your own motives were somehow noble. Your friends are fighting for their lives, Maggarg notwithstanding, and yet you planned to hide away in your lab."
... You know that's how the magic works. I had to test this. There is no other choice.
"As you say. But our aims are not so different."
Okay, stop. Are you serious? You just said you released the goblins and NOW I'm getting the talk?
"Did you think I would practise all that monologuing for nothing? Or are you planning to walk out now and face your guinea pigs?"
Sigh. Just get it over with, then.

"Ahem. I heard the other dwarves used to call you mad. Do you know why that was, Maddy? If you were just afraid of gremlins, it would be a phobia. If you just took orders from colours they'd give you drugs and call you eccentric. Unusual, pitiful perhaps, and yet nobody faulted Kodak for his flaws. Nobody feared him. Yet right now the Count calls for your death. I, too, have many dwarves seeking my head. Why? Because while other dwarves languish in petty caverns and skirmish with elephants we stand alone and we see the truth. Insanity is just a label for what our 'friends' are afraid to admit and ... is ... is that popcorn? Are you eating popcorn?"
Yup. You want some?
"No thanks. As I was saying. The truth is, we dwarves are selfish creatures. Even as we speak, thousands of years of natural design and innocent creature are being hacked away by dwarves looking for a home for winter. We'll lay waste to goblin sieges far larger in numbers than our own. We'll trap the land and drain the rivers and burn the countryside for our own amusement but if somebody dares to suggest WE are the problem ... Even you, keeping an army waiting to attack your friends while unwilling to put yourself in danger for you 'plot'. Even I, leading so many to death while assuring my own escape. That is why they're afraid, because YOU, The Mad Scientist, understand that sometimes one of your own needs to be sacrificed for the greater good."
"You were close, Maddy, so close. But you didn't think far enough. To kill a dwarf and save their race is too small an ideal, and ultimately meaningless. You cannot change who you are. Did you even think of what would happen if you were right? Ten years ago the whole world hated us enough that even exile was barely tolerated for the crimes of one dwarf! You call yourself a scientist, but you went beyond merely learning. You set up this whole mess; I never built the prison or suggested destroying the ocean. You would set your dwarves free into a world that hated them and a war they couldn't win. Did you really think that would SAVE them? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you do understand after all. That the only way for us to achieve peace now is to kill a race to save their world. And that is the truth all those dwarves fear."

...
"Well, Maddy? I don't have long before the army outside attacks. I have a powerful friend who will have ensured an escape for myself, perhaps one or two others. I'm afraid you've outdone yourself; it's only a matter of time before this castle crumbles and takes everyone lingering with it."
... Is that all?
"For today."
Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I was actually worried for a moment there. And you really believe that? You may be a magnificent, manipulative bitch, but you could never be a scientist. Where's your reasoning? Where's your evidence? Where's your popcorn?
"What has exactly does popcorn have to do with it?"
Popcorn is planning. I LIKE popcorn. It is GOOD to eat. And I knew from the moment I started this experiment people were going to disagree with me. Hence, lectures. Hence, popcorn. But you. You are so sure that you're right, that you haven't even bothered to check your facts, let alone bring popcorn in case somebody started monologuing to YOU.
"I am not wrong."
Maybe not. But while you've been scheming away or talking to yourself or whatever else it is you chessmaster archetype dwarves do in your spare time -
"Which of us is holding the voice recorder, hmm?"
Shut up, that's for SCIENCE. And you're still doing it now. Trying to change the subject and look down on other dwarves because you're too afraid that you might be wrong to step outside and stop thinking of the bigger picture for two seconds so that might let you realise that the world's problems aren't as black and white as you think they are. That's irony, right there. You were right, in a way. We both see how the world works. But while you only try to change it, I have stood back and watched long enough to know the WHY.
You say dwarves are selfish? Of course we are! And so is everyone else. Do you think your goblin army outside is thinking of saving the world, or are they just hoping to loot some riches for themselves? Do you think the human merchants really care about our thriving fortress, or are they just in it to steal our beer biscuit recipe? Do you think elves really care about the environment or are they just pissed because someone is cutting down their preferred aesthetics? It doesn't matter. If you take out the dwarves, the goblins start warring instead. Even if you left just one race they're only individuals and they'd fight over something. I'd have thought Asno would have taught you that.
Everyone stands out for their own reasons. Every death out there today will haunt me for the rest of my life. And they'll be joining the queue, because damn it, Kodak already does that and it's mildly irritating, if a little bit flattering. But I draw a line. There are some things I won't let die. And we are dwarves, Ruins. We can't sit around idle and build sandcastles for all eternity. We fight. We dig. Some of us even write poetry. But the one thing we all have in common is that the one thing we never do is give up. We were exiled because Doomhammer would never quit for any lawyer, and will never rest until his tunnels buried somewhere outside this island are finished. Do you remember Strife chasing those camels? He never gave up until he'd killed one. Waylon couldn't tell a joke to save his life, but he's never given up trying to entertain. Cookie has lost his family, his home, and even his genitals, but no matter how much crap fate drops in his ale he never gives up.
Even you, Ruins, still standing and listening to all this, haven't given up thinking of ways to change my mind. I wouldn't, even if I was only freeing these dwarves into a war they couldn't win. But they never would have given up either. And compared to sitting around in this prison for the rest of my life? Losing is fun.
You're a dwarf, Ruins. You're wrong, but you're a dwarf, and that is why you can change the world but you'll never manage to change us.
"I don't need to change any of you. Only kill you."
Good luck with that. You're up against a whole race of YOUs.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

Lastly, a mechanical head disguised as a dwarf remained intact beside the ruined machinery on the beach. It retains minimal power at present time, but its internal display is permenantly blue. My attempts to fix it resulted only in errors and cries of "Exterminate!". It may retain useful data, but is unusable without instructions from its creator.

C:\Documents and Settings\Bahl\My Recent Documents\Shortcut to BrutusC1of2.rmvb

A large number of dwarves are standing. The location is a moderately sized sculpture garden. Several statues are knocked over and damaged. Sand can be seen trickling from the ceiling. The mood is tense and desperate. An insane fisherdwarf suddenly collapses and dies from thirst. He is ignored. A single dwarf lurks outside the doors. She is dressed as a scientist and is visibly nervous. One sickly dwarf begins pointing at the others.

Sarek: We're all going to die. I'm going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're ...
Steinunn: Shut up, what are you, an elf? These may not be the magnificent stone hallways we SHOULD be living in, but anything dug out by a dwarf pick is safe enough for me.
Hat: Sarek is probably correct.
Brutus: This isn't how I remember it, this wasn't supposed to happen!
Warla: AHEM. Has anybody seen Elfbane Chaotika or that exhunter? They're the only dwarves unaccounted for.
Hat: I believe Elfbane was worried about Fluffy and is searching in the mines.
Warla: If he's not back in two minutes I'm marking him as dead.
Waylon: How about a joke to lighten the mood? Knock -
Cookie: DON'T TOUCH THAT WALL it'll fall on our heads!
Waylon: Oh. Right. Awkward.
Sarek: ... going to die. You're going to die. You're going to die. You're ...

A bright flash of green light suddenly blinds the room. Dwarves reel, clasping their eyes. It fades. In the middle of the room a statue has been replaced by three sides of a stone cubical. The inside is covered with runes. A new dwarf stands inside. His appearance is identical to Brutus.

Brutus: ME?!
Brutus C2: Call me Brutus C2; the terminology is going to get very confusing. For reference, you're Brutus B and the me who died a while ago was Brutus A.
Brutus B: Huh? Wait, so you're me from the future?
Brutus C2: Past. Look, I need to change clothes and get some make-up on, an earlier version of my timeline, Brutus C1, is about to appear and save you, and I don't want to fuck this up anymore than it already is by recognising myself. Does anybody here have some lipstick?
Warla: No.
The Countess: Not on me.
Maggarg: Um.
Warla: ...
Maggarg: What?! I stole it by mistake okay! I thought it was ... chapstick!
Steinunn: That's not any better!

Brutus C2 recites nonsense latin and the cubical vanishes. For the next minute the crowd of dwarves anxiously disguise Brutus C2.

Brutus B: Just what is happening here?
Brutus C2: Okay, listen. I, that is, you, uh, we ... Damn it. Brutus first invented time travel as a child. He traveled forward to cheat on a history test but couldn't figure out how to time travel backwards. Instead he continued forward until learning of his presence in this fortress. That Brutus, C1, is about to appear now and save us from the collapsing fortress. After that, together Brutus C1 and B travel toward and meet Brutus A directly after his device is "stolen" by Brutus B. This splits Brutus A into Brutus A2. Brutus A2 can't directly interact with Brutus A1 because they're from the same time line, so Brutus A2 creates another time travel device to carry C1, B and A2 back to when Brutus A1 invented time travel and tweaked his time period notes. This meant that Brutus A1 later arrived at this fortress after Brutus B, who is now split into Brutus B2. Brutus B2 tells Brutus A1 the device wasn't stolen, splitting him into Brutus A3. Brutus B2 learns how to time travel, while Brutus A3 - the original Brutus who remembered time travel from his childhood and survived - takes hiding far in the past. Brutus C1 then arrives here and becomes Brutus C2. Once Brutus C1 has saved everyone here (Oh, except Bahl. Robots screw with the runes but that's a whole other story.) and left, Brutus C2 teaches teach YOU, Brutus B1 how to travel thus merging Brutus B1 and B2 into a single Brutus B again who continues life with the survivors of this fortress. Brutus A2 is effectively redundant and doomed at this point and will FIRST travel back to knock out and give amnesia to Brutus C2 after he's returned to his earlier time so that Brutus B (who is Brutus C2's future self) will remember time travel late enough that it was there to have gone back in time with THEN Brutus A2 travels back to before Brutus B1 arrived to die in Brutus A1s place. Is that all clear?

Brutus B: ... I have no idea what you just said.
Newb: lolwut
Maggarg: You sunk my battleship.

The Tax Collector Reports To The Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness

This concludes my report. Although no direct evidence of Lady Ruins' presence was found, I will add on a personal note that this disaster bears her signature. Coincidentally, the first three goblins to scavenge from the debris claimed to have seen no dwarves alive and yet each were killed or seemingly committed suicide within twenty four hours. It is my suspicion that Lady Ruins was the ultimate cause of this destruction and that it was some corruption within the goblin ranks or even our own that allowed her to escape.

Of course, this is only a theory.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Boksi on April 22, 2009, 09:21:25 am

Quite possibly the best chapter yet.

Or maybe I'm just starved for your writing. Either way, it's good.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on April 22, 2009, 03:07:16 pm

Will Maggarg ever find his waterskin?
Find out in the next thrilling chapter of All Dwarves are bastards!

I forgot how good this was.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Jackrabbit on April 22, 2009, 04:44:00 pm

Ah time parawhatevers... Lovely way to start off the day, with a headache.

Brutus Brutus brutUS! Brutus Brutus brutUS!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: Jim Groovester on April 22, 2009, 06:24:48 pm

That time travel explanation reminds me of Primer. What an intentionally confounding movie.

I'm glad to see Kodak is doing stuff. Since he's technically a ghost and survived 'The Day', is there any possibility of him showing up at the next fortress?

Also, awesome update.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {It's back!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on April 24, 2009, 11:07:26 pm

- CHAPTER FORTY THREE: Name One War That Wouldn't Be Better With Them -

New Fortress!
Train an army of nude, lesbian mud wrestlers to fight evil. What more needs to be said?
(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df225.PNG)

~~My Very First Captain's~~ General's Log

17th Obsidian
You'll have to excuse the illustrations of ships and telescopes to the side, apparently the carping city that I'm assigned to doesn't carry adult journals. "Uh, aren't diaries just for children and melodramatic wimps?" my elf. It's not a carping diary, it's a SERIOUS RECORD. If the Ominous Omniscient Council Of Vagueness actually send The Tax Collector or someone around to check this thing I am going to be the laughing stock of this whole elephant damned island. Carp.

Anyway. Exposition. This is the official log of General Nice, commander of the NLMWA. In recent months the standing of dwarves on this island has been deteriorating. It was the elves that started it, of course - a group of migrants went "missing" along an otherwise unmarked elvish trade route - but afterwards there were several small skirmishes started by renegade dwarves. The king elect still locked up, and peace kept. Until the destruction of some goblin sacred grounds, and the demon attacks began. The survivors mostly stayed low, although one dwarf named Syoan could never stay quiet about anything, and so rumours about the shadowy Lady Ruins spread. Goblins leapt at the chance to war again. Nobody knows the entire truth and the other races are too cowardly to pick a side.

The Council say they planned this (and carp swim out of my elf) and now plan to take advantage of the hostile air to raise several armies without suspicion. Just about anyone who asked was given permission. The smug elephant laughed as he confirmed mine, but he'll see. Agility and practised survivability in the extremist of conditions. Massive savings on equipment. Psychological warfare against any humanoid foes. Obvious morale benefits for the non-combatants. Before long, the Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army will be the flagship of the Council, and soon after, the world!

27th Obsidian
Recruitment is going ... very ...

Ah, carp it! Recruitment is purple. Anyone would think women didn't want the chance to show off and kick elf at the same time. Bah, they don't know what's good for them. Those dwarves would be safer from demons behind three of my girls than an army of clunky axedwarves. Coincidentally, three is exactly how many women have signed up. Although, Tits is under the false impression I'll be paying her and I'm pretty sure Ass only signed up by accident after one too many glasses of water. At least Eyes knows what I'm talking about. Tch, I suppose I'll have to start training those three and wait for the inevitable "bird watchers" to spread the word.

Aside from the ladies, I've chosen three male dwarves to do the real work behind the scenes. First there's Namingway, who will be doing the paperwork, press interviews and occasional carpentry. He has a good mind, quick and logical to judge things, but refers to himself in third person all the flooding time and apparently collects beetles. Carped if I know why. And he's the best of the lot, ugh. Marlkaris I only allowed to join because the elephant won't leave my girls alone. He keeps drooling and asking if he can join them (NO) but seemed to be awkwardly satisfied with doing crafting, gems and other finicky little wastes of time. Eyes has turned down six dates at last count, Tits four and Ass is still thinking over the first offer. I think she's somehow still sober.

Then there's this last dwarf. The weird thing is, I already had an old friend lined up to do the heavy mining for me, but the day I started recruiting he fell ill. That same day I get an application from a new miner pleading to be part of this army. I was suspicious there might be foul play going on ... until I actually met this "Doomhamer" (I'd bet my beard that's not his real name). That dwarf's a carping idiot. Well, it doesn't take brains to hack walls apart, so he'll do.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df226.PNG)
(They're just Nice's nicknames; Tits, Ass and Eyes are still up for claiming.)

Tomorrow I'll lead the seven of us up into the mountains somewhere quiet. I gave Beetle some guidelines and had him organise basic supplies for our training camp. A pick, meat, some spammable seeds, as many kegs as we could carry, a few base materials in case we need anything in particular made later, three cages on the off chance any dwarves need ... caging. I still had some money left over, so I ended up bringing a few horses and a golden crown, because elephant damn it, I deserve one for putting up with this lot.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df227.PNG)
(I give myself three, maybe four chapters before I start swearing like this IRL.)

1st Granite
We've arrived, thank elephant. If I'd heard Hammy's "Are we there yet?" one more carping time I would have thrown him in a bottomless pit. Instead he was saved FOR NOW by the discovery of a good training ground. It's a fairly flat area in the mountains, mostly covered in rock salt. There isn't any dangerous terrain or hostile wildlife around as far as I can see, so it should be safe until the flooding goblins find us. The downside is there's no water, but we have plenty of alcohol and Hammy can mine around for any underground sources when it comes to preparing the NLMWA's titular mud.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df228.PNG)
(Now if only Dwarf Fortress had peppergrass ...)

It's warm here too, which helped when my first order was for the women to strip. Tits and Ass weren't too happy, all "perverts" this and "lawyers" that. Anyone would think they "accidentally" hadn't been told what the acronym stood for when signing up. It's hardly MY fault the floods didn't read the fine print. They only get to keep their clothes on for now because we don't have anywhere to dump them yet.

The next point of order was to pick a spot for the camp and delegate jobs. I sent Mark and Beetle to scout the landscape, and Mark found a small area to the south west with patches of soil and the occasional tree. Until we find water it's the only place we have a chance of farming. We'll start carrying our supplies downhill once Beetle returns. Not the girls, of course, I wouldn't ask them to stress themselves alongside the training they'll be starting soon. Carping naturally, Mark has just told me he doesn't know how to do anything useful like farm, Beetle has an elf load of supplies to organise and start constructing with, and Hammy I barely trust to hold his pick the right way unsupervised, so somehow I, the elephant damned general of this army, am the only one carping left to get my hands dirty and farm.

Purple, I can't wait for migrants to start arriving.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Jackrabbit on April 24, 2009, 11:35:13 pm

Of course I claim Brutus, when he arrives in the next migrant wave. I'm so attached to this guy.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: BloodBeard on April 25, 2009, 12:15:21 am

If I may, I would like to be Bloodbeard the Book keeper from the next immigration, a neat freak OCD dwarf that has to have everything 'just so'. Preferably male and can start off with any skill.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Flintus10 on April 25, 2009, 04:27:40 am

I will claim a later member of the lesbian army
Name:"The" Nut Gobbler

Interests/hobbies:Working out, specifically not trimming her facial or any other body hair which is in excess, Stamping on the testicles of the male half of any species, working out some more, drinking heavily and belching alot and crushing rocks with one hand.
Personality:Basically summed up in the previous paragraph
Profesion:While is and always will be a wrestler she seceretly dreams of one day becoming a butcher.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on April 25, 2009, 04:57:26 am

Of course, maggarg needs a pice of this action.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on April 25, 2009, 05:50:17 am

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on April 21, 2009, 10:59:17 pm

Also, I'd still rather not reuse suggested dwarves from previous forts; story logistics aside, I find it more interesting to write.

Why do I get this feeling some people posting in this thread haven't actually read it? ::)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Jackrabbit on April 25, 2009, 06:00:25 am

Because we... Haven't?

Dwarf: Jessica wetshirt

Funny story, she's never actually worn shirt.

For the mud wrestling!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on April 25, 2009, 06:39:27 am

Quote from: Jackrabbit on April 25, 2009, 06:00:25 am

Because we... Haven't?

Good to know I'm spot on then! :P

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Jackrabbit on April 25, 2009, 06:42:07 am

Yeah, I skim read so sorry about that. I do actually read this thread, I promise

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Jim Groovester on April 25, 2009, 07:01:50 am

Maybe we like our characters, despite how short lived and mostly insignificant to the story they may have been. *sniff* Requiescet in pacem, Kodak, Requiescet in pacem.

If you're adamant about no previous characters, then I'll request a new one then, keeping with the theme of naming my characters after camera companies.

Name: Canon
Gender: Male
Profession: Stage Technician
Actual Profession: Mechanic
Description: As a former roadie for a dwarven hair metal band, he has experience rigging stages with various fireworks and other mechanical innovations to make the concert as rad as possible. Hearing about the Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army, it was an easy decision to lend them his talents.

Edit the details as you see fit if they don't work so well for what you have in mind. I won't complain. Much.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on April 25, 2009, 07:21:55 am

ok then

name: Skjald
Gender: Male
Prof: Miner
Description: A very, very, very, VERY old miner. Very. He hasn't quite got his mindset out into this century. Or the last century. Or indeed the century before. Still insists of talking in fourth convocation highland dwarvish, so no-one can actually understand him.
Is Maggarg's grumpy great-uncle's grumpier great uncle.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Frelock on April 25, 2009, 12:06:02 pm

I'd like to hop on with a migrant.

Name: Doc
Gender: Male
Profession: Cook/Brewer
Description: Actually the elder brother of Cookie. He performed some weird ritual when they were very young, and thereby stole all of Cookie's luck. After that, he ran away and never again thought of his former family. This guy has it all going for him, and nothing ever deters him for long; problems just magically disappear. However, he relies on his luck too often at times, and that has gotten him into trouble...once...which he then got out of by a stroke of extraordinary luck. He's excessively excited about this fortress, as he's a womanizer of the worst sort. He's also a degenerate card player, and usually wins...

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: sonerohi on April 25, 2009, 01:30:11 pm

Sasha
Wrestler
Foxy. Real foxy.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Ririka on April 25, 2009, 02:14:50 pm

Since she died, maybe Rika could be reincarnated as a dog?

...what? :D

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: Sir_Geo on April 26, 2009, 01:48:33 am

I'd like to be dwarfed (interestingly, spell check has no qualms about that word)

Name:Theodore P. Diggington
Gender: Male
Profession: Mason
Story: The (as he likes to be called) resents the fact that everyone assumes he is a miner because of his name. He decided to join the expedition out of the hope that he could find solace from his name-induced torment among the strange lot that is the NLMWA.
[I don't mind if you alter the back story if it clashes with anything]

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards {The Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army needs YOU!}
Post by: OneMoreNameless on April 26, 2009, 07:13:53 am

- CHAPTER FORTY FOUR: This Is Going Pretty OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD -

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

1st Granite
I started digging my new home today! And it's not just my home, it's a home for all my new friends too! Before it was fun being with the Lady for a while. She was nice and taught me lots of tricks and things for digging and fighting and farming and all sorts of things. Then she showed me around this city and I was scared for a while because there were just TOO MANY DWARVES EVERYWHERE OH GOD but she told me it would be okay if I left and started doing things for just a few dwarves again. So I met this funny dwarf called Nice. He looks angry a lot but says funny things like "carpet" all the time. I don't know why.

There are more dwarves too. Marlkaris is nice and we talk about homes together sometimes. Namingway is boring, I don't like him much. And he collects beetles, yucky. There are three girl dwarves too. They usually only talk to each other. The one with really beautiful eyes plays with me sometimes, she says I'm cute!

Nice drew me a picture in the ground that I need to dig. It's hard to get, but I think everything starts from just one entrance near the soily place. Nice says the lowered path just to the north of there is like a "natural stadium" for the girls? I don't know. I'll start digging down and then up to the west and that's where stuff will be made. To the north is where we'll sleep. And much deeper in the ground is a big cave place where Nice will carry our stuff. We have a LOT of stuff, much more than I ever used to!

2nd Granite
Whew, I'm tired. I'm resting up by the caravan again now. I can see some bones here, I wonder what happened? Marlkaris says an eagle that was also a giant and a skeleton attacked them! Wow, it's confusing. The girls are hurt a little bit and nobody made a killing move but somehow the eagle died anyway. Again. I think. So now Marlkaris can see zombie goats in the distance. I think zombie means sleepy. The goats look very slow and like they forgot to wash. Uh oh, Nice is telling me to get back to work. I'd better go dig some more now!

12th Granite
Dig, dig, dig! Loam is easy to dig through, but salt is really slow. It's funny seeing Namingway build a workshop entirely out of salt. I hope the kitchens aren't, that would taste yuck. I've dug enough space now for all the workshops to be built or at least readied for later. Namingway is making some beds to sleep on, since one of the girls has a wound on her lower left arm that needs resting. Marlkaris is building a workshop for gems. He says he saw some right on the edge of the mountain while we were walking here! Nice has looked sad in the last few days. He wants the girls to take off their clothes for some reason but they won't. He also said he wishes he had a second pick to dig with. I offered him mine but he just told me to get back to work and something about an "elfephant"?

16th Granite
I've finished digging the bedroom! Nice says it will just be for the girls later, but he's going to put all the beds in there for now. There's lots of stone left over though so Nice and Namingway and Marlkaris are all throwing it down my staircase into a pile. I think they're just bored. Nice was really loud after Marlkaris accidentally grabbed a bed from the workshops and threw it into the pile too. I don't think I want to sleep on that one.

Or next to Nice.

24th Granite
Something weird happened today. The bones and the skull that were laying near our wagon are gone! Namingway went scouting but they were nowhere, like they had never been at all. One of the girls with the large behind said it was omen and we should go back to the city. The one with the large chest-behind laughed and said the dogs probably just ate them. Also today the beds were finally put in place! As soon as the first one was ready the girl with the beautiful eyes ran over and PLOMPHED right onto it, still clothed. Nice looked unhappy. I'm not very happy either because when I try and dig all these little red flies keep biting me. Nice said to start throwing all our "refuse" outside.

12th Slate

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df229.PNG)
(This picture should be self explanatory by now. Elephant damn it.)

23rd Slate
I've finally finished all the digging! For now anyway. Marlkaris and the others have worked really hard too, clearing the rooms so there's space to put the stuff we have that isn't rocks. They've started carrying the stuff from our wagon down into our new home. Namingway has everything down there organised into little sections and stuff, it's really tricky. I was going to help carry the beer but Nice said he doesn't trust me to carry anything valuable. That made me feel sad, but ... I think Nice is just really sad too. The girl with beautiful eyes is looking really sick in bed and won't drink any beer and we don't know why. Nice joins the other girls beside her really often and I saw him punch a wall once when he was alone. I'm trying to help too, maybe if I can build some tables and chairs she'll come out of bed and eat breakfast at them. Or eat them. Salt is good for you, right?

6th Felsite
There is another skeleton bird outside!! Nice was keeping an eye on it but it came close too to the entrance quickly and now it's going to attack! The girl with beautiful eyes is still sick, so the girl with the large chest-behind became the leader and they're running out to fight now. She sounded really scared though, I don't know if she'll be able to fight or not. I can hear screaming. It's scary. I wish Marlkaris was here. All the other dwarves are outside getting stuff from the wagon. I'm going to take a peek and see how the girls are going outside.

The skeleton bird doesn't really look hurt, but the girls they ... Oh ... Oh god ...

The Dark Whisperings Of Doomhammer, The Once King

6th Felsite
Heh heh heh. I can smell the blood. Beautiful. Fresh. Dwarven. Hmph. Were I to hold a weapon. "Ass", the general called. Grazed. Knocked out. Limbs wretched from sockets. Feasted upon. "Tits" afraid. Battle comes to her. Wounded. Stunned. Torn to pieces. Scratches upon the skeletal beast mock their corpses. Yet they die. With the fool's eyes I saw the remains. Fate was generous. But fickle.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df230.PNG)
(On the upside, I'm fairly sure some of Ass's clothing finally dropped off with her limbs!)

Three dwarves run wild. A feast. The beast still hungers. A shadow crosses Namingway. He runs. Doomed fool. Noble or cowardly? The beast chases far away. Marlkaris and the general flee inside. Safe? Heh heh heh. Namingway is struck down. The beast cries victory. Satisfied, for now.

9th Felsite
Hide. Cower. Underground, where we belong. Breathe the dirt. Delicious. The fool's body requires more. Sate the body. Calm the mind. Feeble dwarves. Unhappy with death. Heh heh heh. Count the supplies. Useless wood. Useless leather. Meat. Too little. No booze. No plants. All left in the useless wagon. The beast is elsewhere. Run for it. Not I. Too busy, of course. Too unhappy. Heh heh heh. Marlkaris and the general cross the rocks. Quiet. Waiting. They return, barrels in hand. Useless for an eternity. Click. Spin the barrel. Your turn again.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df231.PNG)
(Broiled in BLOOD and paddled with DEATH.)

It smells fear and flies on the winds of panic. A darker power than I bore this beast. A challenge? Heh heh heh. Soon. Watch the shadow. Watch its path. Tonight, Marlkaris will die. The general screams. Weak. Too caring. Leave them both to die. Seal the entrance. Seal their fate. The beast stalks its prey. It enjoys the hunt. Flies further away. The general holds seeds. He erred, once. Maybe useful. Still a dwarf. Run out. Grab him. Pull him inside. Find the hatch. Lock it. Hear Marlkaris's screams. General is grateful. Saved his life. Promises a debt. Hmph. World owes-

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

12th Felsite
I'm scared. I don't remember much about the last few days. I've been staying inside digging and making things with salt. But many of my friends are gone and they're not coming back ever. I can't go outside at all now. Nice says it's too dangerous. He says I saved him though. I don't remember that. Maybe he means the hatch I made? I remember him talking to me all of a sudden and asking what he could do for me. I didn't want anything but my friends back. The nice Lady who helped me before, she always seemed worried to be seen by other dwarves in the city too. I asked Nice if he ever met the Lady to be nice to her and keep her safe forever. Nice swore he would.

We're very unhappy all the time now. There's purple starting to grow from our storeroom. I'm trying not to think about it. I need to dig a farm so Nice can plant the seeds and make wine. If we're still okay by then.

26th Felsite
The girl with the beautiful eyes fell asleep and wouldn't wake up today. Nice says I have to build a stone box to put her in. I can smell rotting coming from outside. Me and Nice are the only two dwarves left now. Most of the friendly animals are inside too, but they don't help much. One cat and two big dogs and two horses and a donkey. Nice started tantruming and attacked the donkey. I nearly did the same thing but the donkey was okay and Nice calmed down. He says he's "fine" now. I miss Marlkaris. I don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I'm starting to feel miserable.

24th Hematite
Today our first harvest was ready to pick! Nice hasn't had time to build a kitchen yet, but we can put the helmets away somewhere until he does. There's a lot of work for two but I managed when I was alone so maybe we can still be okay. Nice is still unhappy most of the time but my mood got better. Sometimes I feel like I have this really strong friend inside me who helps keep me sane. Nice keeps saying everyone knew there was always a risk and he did all he should given what he knew. Maybe me and Nice can still survive together down here if we try really hard?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df232.PNG)
(Current theory: The first eagle was actually a CURSED SHADOW BEING that MERGED with the SOUL of the army to DOOM IT.)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on April 26, 2009, 07:19:57 am

Doomhammer is the Dwarf Incarnate.
If there was ever an All-Stars fortress, he'd be in it.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: muwahahaha on April 26, 2009, 06:29:26 pm

Haha, so many dead already?

Anyway, if you manage to survive long enough for loads of immigrants to ~~die~~ arrive, then I'll grab a spare.

Name: Kaleshnig
Gender: meh
Prof: Crafter

Kaleshnig (or just K as his/her friends call him/her), was a good friend of Marlkaris, when he/she learned of his death he/she vowed to come and bring revenge upon the one who caused it.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Sir_Geo on April 26, 2009, 06:47:28 pm

Wow. That was completely unexpected.
Are you going to continue the story or will it head in new ~~deadly~~ exciting places?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: OneMoreNameless on April 30, 2009, 08:45:27 pm

- CHAPTER FORTY FIVE: Aftermath -

~~My Very First Captain's~~ General's Log

5th Malachite
Out of all the dwarves. That carping eagle could have eaten. Why did I. Have to be left. With Doomhammer. Why couldn't it have been Eyes and I? We could have repopulated the fortress ourselves. Or at least Namingway. But no, flooding Hammy has to save my life and lock us down here. It might actually be easier if he didn't have those rare, brief glimpses of competence. Instead I'm left listening to his purple stories about Mark living in clouds and begging him to smirk darkly and start digging a refuse room like an actual dwarf.

I digress. The most important thing for us now, elephant damn it it hurts just to write this, is to stay in a good mood. We have a working farm and unless flooding kobolds start picking the lock we're safe from the undead. Physically, the only danger is Hammy snapping and waving that pick axe around while I'm sleeping. So, I've assigned each of us a war dog. Both as company, and a meatshield if we're attacked again. Hammy is currently digging a meeting room for all two of us, in which he'll place a few statues and as many idle doodlings as will fit on the walls and floor. Meanwhile, I'm still farming and clearing stone out of our kitchen. Miasma is something of a problem, but even with a refuse room I'd be too carping busy hauling stone to move any lizard remains.

Okay, maybe this wasn't the best plan.

13th Malachite
Hammy has noted that our "fortress" (what does he call a hovel? A spoonful of dirt?) has attracted no migrants this season. I am shocked, SHOCKED, that this is the case. And Hammy is officially calling me a friend now. Good for him. To celebrate, I've assigned us beds as far away from each other as possible. And the same thing with the tables. If nothing else came of this disaster, at least we get two chairs each and I can rest my feet on the second. Maybe I should use what little time I have to sit down to start a "Write Endless Blather LOG" too, in the meeting room. Current Mood: Just Carpin' "Fine".

7th Malachite
I hadn't really noticed before, but that is one admirable burial receptacle that Hammy built earlier. I'm almost feeling "quite content" just looking at it. At least until I remember the corpse inside. Which is something of a downer. To say the least.

That's not a flooding tear drop, I spilled my wine, carp it. Hammy makes so much noise that it's disturbing my much needed rest. And half of that is him complaining about not having enough chairs. Even though we have TWICE AS MANY CHAIRS as dwarves. I suppose I should count myself lucky I'm not our donkey. That thing is still staggering around with an injurred head and lower body after it ... fell down some stairs, yes. It usually waits around the meeting room, unlike the cat, which has taken to following me personally and dropping corpses at my feet. Probably trying to carping choke me to death. I've stopped wasting time dumping stone now (our stockpiles aren't going to get THAT full any time soon) just to make sure the elephant damned retch is contained safely. I pulled up most of the farm as well, we won't need much and can always eat the flooding donkey.

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df233.PNG)
(It is told that in the ADABverse there has only ever been one good cat, the first spawned feline 3^3. ('Eve' backwards didn't work.) She gave birth to uncountable kittens from uncountable husbands. (Don't think too hard about that.) However, all had been corrupted to evil after the once pure Mada used Armok's tree of knowledge as a scratching post. And pissed on His beard while He was sleeping, which is also directly responsible for all kittens being born with a ghost limb and occasionally thinking they're too injured to carry prey. The hands themselves started a rock band named the Skeletal Windmills but have since disbanded and now a live quiet life of locking hatches when no dwarves are present and throwing Links back to the start of the dungeon.)

Oh yes. And HOW could I forget. Hammy has finally finished smoothing (what did he use, his TONGUE?) and started engraving. The first pictures were of a flask and a local government, although I seriously doubt any true DWARVEN civilisation would use a plump helmet as their symbol. Oh wait I can totally believe that.

1st Limestone
I finally snapped and hauled that elfephant from doodling all day, demanding that he dig and furnish us some decent bedrooms away from his own flooding racket. I don't NEED a cabinet for my one smelly set of rags, but we'll never get anywhere without ambition. And I'll be carped if I don't SOMEHOW form my nude lesbian army from two male dwarves locked up together. Purple, that sounds like a bad slashfic. CARP, now I'm thinking about it. Need a distraction, need a distraction, need a distraction. I'll just go stare at those gems from the dining room that Hammy finally dug up. I'll stick them on some furniture later. Who'd have thought I'd ever miss MARK'S lack of talents?

Also, puppies. We have them, and they're annoying. But edible and covered in materials I don't have the time to use yet. I'm almost tempted to throw them in a cage to keep them out of my face. Because, you know when we were all alive SOME elephant thought they'd carry those three heavy hunks of metal down before a bag of carping seeds. Speaking of which, we ran out of ale earlier this week. I tried to make some, to find we had no barrels. I tried to make some barrels, but despite all the logs downstairs I evidently didn't feel like making any more than ONE. So now we have exactly four serves of wine left while Hammy is thirsty and asleep. Still in the communal beds. Yeah, that lazy elephant carper is getting yelled at after he wakes up. "After" IF I'm feeling generous.

24th Limestone
Recently a handful of merchants were optimistic enough to turn up at our "fortress". (Don't ask me how I know this.) Their optimism crossed the line into stupidity precisely at the moment the merchants and diplomat on foot noticed the zombies, occasional dwarf corpse, abandoned wagon and decided to stay here doing nothing. They're carping lucky the eagle isn't around right now, but I'm sure sure as carp not starting an open market.

And they're not the only ones doing nothing. Hammy declared himself on break and is doing purple all right now, looking very "happy" with himself. At least he finished our bedrooms, and we now have 400% more barrels. And 150% more horses. When he's quite carping finished I'll order him to resume engraving. I'll go back to farming. The merchants might go back to selling elsewhere. The horses will go back to MOCKING ME. The miasma will go back to smelling. Good times.

A Day In The Life Of: Jessica Wetshirt, Peasant

19th Sandstone
"Man, all I'm saying is that it seems a bit weird, you know?"
"Aha. Is it truly so strange that returning to do paperwork might ... slip the mind of a dwarf in charge of such an 'army'?"
"Simply ceasing to communicate with the outside world is unfathomable for the leader of any organisation!"
"CRUSH THE LAZY MAN!"
"Dude, we have got to give her a volume control or something."
"Bah. Forget your new fangled dodgy mechanics, no, a real dwarf used to shut their friends up with good old fashioned fisticuffs!"

Hey! I think we're finally here! It's weird though, I don't see any mud spa resort ... No, it must be right, you can see a few sets of discarded clothing. And some bones too, they must be having tons fun if they're not even cleaning up out here. Oh look! There's a hatch, General Nice must have built it all underground! This is going to be the best vacation -

Nice: "QUICK you carping IDIOTS get inside DEAR GOD."
"Well HE'S nowhere as attractive I heard ..."
"That tone most certainly does not fall within the acceptable greeting standards as advised by the current king elect, what if an elf were to overhear this?!"
"Dude, there's only like some camels around here. What's the rush?"
Nice: "Do it, DO IT NOW! Great, the diplomat sneaked it, now look what you've done."
"Hey trust me General, nothing bad's going to happen while I'm around. Unless you ladies want it to."
"I'm not sober enough for you by a long shot, honey."
"I'M TOO SOBER FOR A SUNDAY MORNING!"
Nice: "Oh and by the way? You, you, you and YOU. All recruited. Strip down. Hey, you without the shirt. You get to be the leader for forward thinking. Now GET THE CARP INSIDE before the eagle comes back!"

... Um, what?

(http://www.maybeepic.com/humour/adab/img/df234.PNG)
(Can YOU identify each migrant's speech? Play along at home!)

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on May 05, 2009, 09:49:35 pm

This is so funny Nameless. The writing style is brilliant!

Goddammit, where are these spambots coming from?

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on May 06, 2009, 11:03:43 am

Huh, in MY day we had to send each other physical letters promising Mexican viagra and Nigerian royal money.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on July 26, 2009, 04:05:18 am

*cough*

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on July 26, 2009, 04:18:20 am

That ain't no cough.
Weren't even no blood!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on July 26, 2009, 04:21:17 am

Sigh.

*COUGH HACK HACK URGH COUGH COUGH*

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Maggarg - Eater of chicke on July 26, 2009, 06:39:08 am

Quote from: Jackrabbit on July 26, 2009, 04:21:17 am

Sigh.

*COUGH HACK HACK URGH COUGH COUGH*

Yew young folk and your coughin'.
In my day we din't cough unless we only had the use of half a lung!

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Karnewarrior on November 10, 2009, 10:33:54 pm

Necro.

Wait, What, WHAT?!?!?
you have not yet finished with the story!
we must hear more of the nude lesbian wrestlers...Mmmm... Oh, err, whoops.

finish the story! Naowh!(which is now in ah'nuld speak.)

*soft cough* damn.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Jackrabbit on November 10, 2009, 10:40:05 pm

Quote from: Jackrabbit on October 24, 2009, 06:10:19 pm

Quote from: OneMoreNameless on October 24, 2009, 07:57:04 pm
Hey OneMoreNameless. I was wondering if you've truly finished your multiple fortress succession game. If so, please inform me so I can change the status in the Hall of Legends. I know you haven't posted in it in an age, but I want to be certain about this.
I think the word you're looking for is more 'abandoned' ... >_> ... But yes, I'm not likely to continue writing A.D.A.B. at any point.

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: Karnewarrior on November 10, 2009, 10:41:06 pm

:-[
Whoops.
_PMs...No....

Title: Re: All Dwarves Are Bastards (But Some Less So Than Others)
Post by: dwarfguy2 on April 18, 2010, 05:30:20 pm

THREADUS NECROTIS!

just popping up to say, maybe this guy can post the save? then someone else can continue on the legend of this epic fort!

Bay 12 Games Forum

Dwarf Fortress => DF Community Games & Stories => Topic started by: OneMoreNameless on November 02, 2008, 06:42:26 am