I consider myself an explorer of the Internet. I'm sort of like a conquistador, but without the cool helmet. If I could, however, I would definitely wear a conquistador helmet while using the Internet. A mustache would be cool too, but these things have to be taken one step at a time. It's like that Chinese proverb, “To climb a mustache takes one step at a time, but you must take the first step.” I think that's what it said, I'm not positive though. I don't think it's possible to climb a mustache. I could be wrong; I'm wrong about most things.
My thesis, however, is not wrong. The Internet is a scary place. Even in the “kiddie pool” sections of the Internet, you learn scary things. Just a few months ago I learned an interesting thing about an associate while on Facebook. I won't go so far as to call him a friend, mainly because I hate him, but that's neither here nor there. Where there is is also neither here nor there. It's probably somewhere in the Internet, though. Anyway, I learned from a friend that this associate claimed to have been a drummer for the band Muse. Yes, he claimed to be a member of the world famous progressive rock band. If one is going to tell a lie, it's best to tell a lie that might in some distant reality be true. This associate, however, chose another route: To tell a lie so far removed from the realm of possibility it existed in its own dimension. This dimension was, in fact, the aforementioned “there.”
The Internet, as many people know, is a series of tubes. Where the tubes are large, the Internet flows freely. Where the tubes are thin, like at Sinclair <Author's Note: Sinclair is the college I'm writing this for>, people spend hours waiting for a little bit of Internet to drip out. It's sort of like back in ye olden days, when everyone lived in Kansas and rode carriages, and you had to get water out of a well. The only difference is that the water is Internet, and instead of carriages everyone drives beat-up compact cars. It's exactly the same. This is scary because when the tubes clog and the Internet dries up, it may as well be the apocalypse. Society grinds to a halt and people begin stockpiling water. The land turns to a desert, gangs of road warriors spring up, and everyone begins to look like Mel Gibson. A person without Internet inevitably searches for something else to do, and the first thing he thinks of is inevitably something he needs the Internet in order to do. This reminds him of his predicament, and he continues in this vicious cycle until he loses his mind. Once a person has lost their mind over Internet deprivation, they begin going outside regularly, exercising, eating right, and having quality relationships with their peers. This is known as “getting a life” and is a fate worse than death. The Internet must flow freely, or more people will suffer this tragedy.
One of the most frightening things on the Internet is the place known as the World of Warcraft. In the World of Warcraft, players as young as ten and old as fifty can press buttons and receive virtual rewards. It's sort of like a Skinner box, but instead of food the subject earns epic loot. The first time a player slays a mighty array of polygons bearing a passing resemblance to a dragon, and dons the enchanted block of stat modifiers lying in its hoard, he is forever bound to the game. I should know, for I was once a powerful warlock. I, however, had the will to escape the clutches of the World of Warcraft. The Internet is a dangerous place indeed.
The worst part of the Internet, however, is that everyone can use it. When people who aren't from the Internet go there, things like the recent “lolcats” fad appear. I don't think I need to relate the carnage that ensued when the lolcats invaded. I believe that there should be a test before a person can use the Internet. If one can't tell the difference between “your” and “you're” or so much as giggles at a picture of a cat, one should not be allowed on the Internet. It is not a huge thing to ask, and I believe the world would be much better for it.