Bay 12 Games Forum

Finally... => Forum Games and Roleplaying => Topic started by: Hortun on November 23, 2009, 09:35:50 pm

Title: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Hortun on November 23, 2009, 09:35:50 pm: I'm going to host a text RPG. ~~I don't mind silly actions, but bear in mind that you're particularly bad at killing yourself~~. Let's go for feasible actions. Not hadoken.

You are Fiddy McJitters, a gnomish adventurer. You are carrying a <Large Leather Backpack> with 20 feet of <Old Rope>, an <Oily Torch>, and a <Crude Tome>. You also have a <Small Leather Sack> with a loaf of <Oat Bread>, a <Cheese Log>, and a flask of <Wendigo Berry Wine>. At your side is your makeshift weapon and tool, a <Worn Chisel>.

You wake up, and all you can feel is a splitting headache, undoubtedly from all the ale last night. You reach for your coinpurse, but it's nowhere to be found. The barkeep must have cleaned you out, but you can hardly blame him after the commotion you made.

Pulling yourself to your feet, you look around and gather you've awaken in a ditch just outside of town. You were probably dragged here around closing time when no one could wake you up. Oh well.

To your back is the port town of Barccio, where you've spent the first 20 years of your life. You were an engraver, an apprentice to your father Lark McJitters despite your life-long dream for becoming a famous bard. He's dead now though, the last of your immediate family gone. The town is known for shipping local produce across the Sea of Dover.

The road stretches out in front of you, fringed with fields of grape, olive, and fig. The thrive in the temperate weather, regulated by the sea breeze. About 8 miles down this road is the small farming community appropriately named Granger. The village is unremarkable except for the gypsy fortune-teller who provides great entertainment with the tales she weaves. You're only vaugely aware of the cities that lie beyond there, and would likely need a map to navigate further to them.

This is the beginning of your journey. Where shall you venture?
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 09:40:41 pm: >Buy a lute and go to a place that has a king.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Hortun on November 23, 2009, 09:45:31 pm: Quote from: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 09:40:41 pm
>Buy a lute and go to a place that has a king.

You would love to buy an instrument, but as previously stated, you have no currency. There may be something of value in your hovel you could barter for money, or perhaps you could perform services.

The king is a fabled man who lives in the far-off city-state of Kregsfard. You only know this town is west of you, probably days of travel. There are also barons, governors, mayors, and other nobles of this land whom you may wish to impress.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 09:48:20 pm: >Steal a lute
>Go to butcher and ask for 5 bratwurst
>Steal some money
>Go to Blacksmith and buy some Bard Armor to increase our Pulchritude.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Hortun on November 23, 2009, 09:57:09 pm: Quote from: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 09:48:20 pm
>Steal a lute

Thinking back, you recall the dwarven crafters having recently made a fine oaken lute, ringed with silver and inlaid with gems. The brothers who crafted this are stout, experienced dwarves who would have little tolerance for thieves. Their shop is in the soutwestern quarter of town.

Alternatively, you could try your hand in pocketing a lute from the foreign traders near the docks at the south edge of town. They handle goods of all sorts, but come here to import fine foods to their lands. There may be less chance or retribution stealing from these folk, but you are unsure of what quality the instrument would be.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 09:58:35 pm: >Beg for money
>Beat any rival hobos to death
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Hortun on November 23, 2009, 10:02:29 pm: Quote from: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 09:58:35 pm
>Beg for money
>Beat any rival hobos to death

You decide against thievery, for whatever reason. Instead, you sit alongside the rode you awoke at and beg for money.

By 1:00 PM, you've reaped only a pitiful 6 copper pieces and many disdainful looks.

There are no other homeless folk here to beat, for they have gotten jobs by now.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 10:03:14 pm: >↓ ↘ → + P
HADOKEN!
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Nirur Torir on November 23, 2009, 10:16:16 pm: Let's steal a lute from the traders and head for that village with the gypsy.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: mainiac on November 23, 2009, 11:02:06 pm: >Leverage the six copper coins as principle to back investments in credit default swap derivatives on the ships at the dock.
>Sign up as a crew member for one of the ships.
>Sabotage the ship 1 day out from harbor, causing it to sink.
>Swim to shore.
>Buy lute with money from the CDS derivative.

It's like insurance fraud, but with someone else's ship!
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Phantom on November 23, 2009, 11:04:16 pm: >Keep punching the ground so you can have a combo
>Punch a guy
God: Say K.O.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever
Post by: Hortun on November 24, 2009, 12:22:50 am: Quote from: Nirur Torir on November 23, 2009, 10:16:16 pm
Let's steal a lute from the traders and head for that village with the gypsy.

You decide that perhaps the best way to start your new life is to find an instrument and suck up to some nobles. Barding and all.

You make your way for your first goal: the trade district. Walking to the southern edge of town, you feel the briny wind pick up; perhaps it will storm tonight. The port is busy with sailors and merchants swarming over their cargo. Surely no one would notice in this chaos if one little lute were to go missing.

You enter the southern bazaar, a shanty collection of temporary stalls for travelers to peddle their wares in passing. From store to store you look for something to produce music until you find a small stall packed with foreign fineries. In it is a young, dark skinned elf, his cheeks set high leading to crisp, golden eyes. His aging assistant is carrying boxes back to the ship wearily; they will likely leave tomorrow morning.

As the assistant departs for the ship, you approach the merchant-elf, hawking over his wares.

"I see you're interested in my instruments, mountain-gnome! I've a fine dwarven harpsichord here from our visit to Orschmung, or perhaps this sitar from the men of Garnoway?"

Immediately you see the sitar is much to large for your gnomish self to have any chance of playing properly, although the harpsichord could be manageable. You look rather at a well-crafted string instrument propped up in back of the stall.

"Oh my, you do have fine tastes, good gnome. This would be my personal lute, to draw guests to my wares and for my own pleasure. I gave my best lamb to have its strings made; my brother crafted the body from mahogany. There's no better crafts than us dunmer of Nibans make.

Oh, pardon my rambling. So how about that harpsichord? Gold is always appriciated, but I've made my wealth trading of course."

You look around tentatively. There's a guard posted at the front of the bazaar, but not anywhere near your line of sight. Other shopkeepers and patrons go about their business all around, meaning an outright attack would not go unnoticed. The stall is a small enclosure, the walls are cloth draped from a tent-like frame. The lute sits in the far back, behind the shopkeep. The assistant by now is nearly at the ship, probably 300 yards back. If you want to trade, you only have six copper and your inventory, and there's probably not much of real value at your hovel in town.

What shall you do?
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Stealing the way to bard-dom
Post by: Frelock on November 24, 2009, 01:08:57 am: Shout "Oh look: a distraction!" while pointing behind the shopkeeper. Knock him out when he turns around.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Stealing the way to bard-dom
Post by: Phantom on November 24, 2009, 03:22:27 am: >Use SONIC BOOM on shopkeeper.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Stealing the way to bard-dom
Post by: Nirur Torir on November 24, 2009, 07:54:22 am: I'm not sure we can get away with stealing that, but a famous adventurer-bard-gnome with a harpsichord is a funny thought.

>Try to barter for the harpsicord with our coppers by making up a depressing sob story about ourselves and how we desperately need an instrument to fulfill our father's dying wish: To play music for the orphans of the world, making their lives slightly better.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Stealing the way to bard-dom
Post by: Hortun on November 24, 2009, 02:53:41 pm: Quote from: Frelock on November 24, 2009, 01:08:57 am
Shout "Oh look: a distraction!" while pointing behind the shopkeeper. Knock him out when he turns around.

"Hey, whouldja look at that!" you yell, pointing off into the distance. The elf swivels around, searching. You draw your chisel and wind up with all your might when you realize something: this guy is like four times bigger than you. If anything, you'd just piss him off and draw more attention to yourself.

"What? What'd I miss?"

"Oh... it was a, eh... pixie or something. I dunno, it's gone now."

Quote from: Nirur Torir on November 24, 2009, 07:54:22 am
I'm not sure we can get away with stealing that, but a famous adventurer-bard-gnome with a harpsichord is a funny thought.

>Try to barter for the harpsicord with our coppers by making up a depressing sob story about ourselves and how we desperately need an instrument to fulfill our father's dying wish: To play music for the orphans of the world, making their lives slightly better.

Surveying the stall, you reckon that this thievery business might be a little demanding of you at present and begin to consider an alternative.

"Well, you see... me father, he was a simple mason-gnome, a poor immigrant from Detroggard. Ol'... Blarney-legs we called 'im-"

"Why would they call him that?"

"That's not the point. You see, Blarney had been cursed by a vindictive warlock with eternal indigestion and the only way for himself to dispel such an affliction was to play fine music for the little orphan-gnomes."

"Ooh, and you want to trade the harpsichord to save your father? How noble!" The elf is just eating it up.

"No, he's dead, lemme finish," you say as the elf's face drops. "On his deathbed, heaved over in death-cramps he uttered his one last wish to me... he... he wanted me to finish his quest to play beautiful music and entertain all the little gnomes. Please sir, I'll trade you all I've got..."

"Well, I understand you might be a little short on cash, so I'll be lenient with the trade. What have you got for one of these wonderful instruments?" he replies, moved somewhat by your story.

"... six copper"

"You're joking. I can't buy a slice of bread with that. What else have you got to trade?"

Thinking back, even if you offered him the contents of your pack and cleaned everything out of your hovel, it would only barely cover the cost. And that's if he wanted this garbage. Just then, the assistant returns from the merchant ship, panting and wheezing, his age obviously hindering his hauling ability.

"What else ya got?" the assistant sputters, leaning for support on the shakey tent leg.

"Just these instruments and the tent, if the gnome won't buy them. So how about it gnome?"

You contemplate the situation... what shall you do next?
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Stealing the way to bard-dom?
Post by: theevilmonk on November 24, 2009, 03:20:52 pm: offer him our hovel and the contains therein, not like well be needing it anymore
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Stealing the way to bard-dom?
Post by: Hortun on November 24, 2009, 04:26:46 pm: Quote from: theevilmonk on November 24, 2009, 03:20:52 pm
offer him our hovel and the contains therein, not like well be needing it anymore

"Well, you see, I have a fine manor in town and truth is I shan't be needing such a place with a quest as prodigious as this one. What if I were to offer you my townhouse?"

The elf pauses, clearly in shock. "You're... offering me real estate in a port town? For three instruments?! Incredible! Thank you kind gnome! I will accept!"

"Oh my go- augh!" The assistant clutches his chest, slumping to the ground, old heart unable to bear the spectacular offer.

"Alvreed! No!" The elf's joy quickly dissolves into terror. "Medic! MEDIC!"

You stare a little at the scene, taken aback, crowd slowly forming around. You begin to feel like his offer might soon not stand, so you take the initiative and make your leave.

"Right, well... I'll just be taking these. The deed is in the house, over by the horse stalls, it's unlocked... toodles!"

Slinging the lute over your back, you place the sitar atop the harpsichord and wheel your prizes away before the elf notices. Slinking away, you notice a velvet coinpurse stringed around the neck of the lute with 10 gold pieces. They're yours now, it would seem.

You settle in front of the inn with your newfound loot, looking back on your successful negotiation with the trader. Your personality has obviously grown from this experience, enough to kill an old elf, even! Dragging around all of these instruments would probably be impractical, though. You could probably trade them in for a bit more gold if you were so inclined.

Now homeless and with your tools of the bardic trade, you are a traveler and vagabond!

<Finley-Tuned Harpsichord>, <Isthel, Mahogany Lute>, <Worn Sitar>, <Red Velvet Coinpurse>, and 10 gold added to your inventroy!
<Damaged Hovel> is no longer a possession.

KILL COUNT: 1

Your charisma has increased!

What shall you do now?
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Armok on November 24, 2009, 04:40:55 pm: > play a hounting tune on all three instruments at once!
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Phantom on November 24, 2009, 06:11:08 pm: >Summon MICHAEL JACKSON.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Hortun on November 24, 2009, 08:00:25 pm: Quote from: Armok on November 24, 2009, 04:40:55 pm
> play a hounting tune on all three instruments at once!

In celebration of your achievement, you begin to strum a tune on your lute with one hand, pluck the sitar with the other, and play the harpsichord with your feet.

It sounds almost as terrible as you feel for having attempted it.

It's probably 5 PM by now, the sun beginning to sink its way to the western horizon. You've got more loot than you can comfortably carry, a ration of gold and food, and unfettered ambition.

What shall you do?
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Phantom on November 24, 2009, 08:03:56 pm: >Head to the KINGs residence.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: RAM on November 24, 2009, 08:32:11 pm: >Have sock.
>Have hat.
>give hat and sitar to sock.
>Worship sock as god.
>Learn to play harpsichord with instruction from god.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Hortun on November 24, 2009, 09:41:44 pm: Random nonsensical thoughts run through your head more now than ever. You fear you are becoming mentally handicapped.

What shall you do now?
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Phantom on November 24, 2009, 09:43:03 pm: >Be the other guy

>Go to nearest Male noble and do a song about their wife
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Nirur Torir on November 24, 2009, 10:13:29 pm: Play a tune on each non-lute instrument, to see which one we like the least. Sell the disliked one, then decide if we can comfortably carry the remaining two instruments.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Hortun on November 24, 2009, 10:55:07 pm: Quote from: Nirur Torir on November 24, 2009, 10:13:29 pm
Play a tune on each non-lute instrument, to see which one we like the least. Sell the disliked one, then decide if we can comfortably carry the remaining two instruments.

Deciding that it would be best to determine your aptitude with each instrument before selling them, you pick up the sitar and pluck out the best you can of a tune. It's a large instrument on a man, let alone a gnome and you have trouble reaching up the neck. You string out an awkward tune, not favoring it.

The harpsichord is a bulky machine, like a shrunken piano. Although it's easy to play and makes a lovely sound, it's size and weight would require you to drag it along the ground wherever you went unless you had a wagon or somesuch.

What do you do now?
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: mainiac on November 25, 2009, 12:28:39 am: >Find a berth on a ship as the in voyage entertainment.
>On board catch the eye of a fetching young lad/lass of highborn blood.
>Woo him/her with romantic tales set to simple, sentimental tunes.
>Elope.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Phantom on November 25, 2009, 12:35:39 am: >Walk through the land as the Wayward Vagabard.
Spoiler: >Act like this guy (click to show/hide)
(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/52/131365347_889535b323.jpg?v=0)
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: mainiac on November 25, 2009, 01:04:42 am: If we were to walk it would make sense to get a wagon and keep all the instruments. And once we have a wagon and three instruments, it would make sense to start a circus.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: RAM on November 25, 2009, 04:41:10 am: I agree with these sensibilities, being sensible makes sense to me.
Title: Re: The Worst RPG Ever... Vagabondage!
Post by: Phantom on November 26, 2009, 12:22:58 am: >Play a version of Secret Agent Dwarf (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iaR3WO71j4) in public on your lute.