Bay 12 Games Forum
Finally... => Life Advice => Topic started by: Sappho on January 17, 2011, 06:07:05 am
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It's always been a big part of my personality that I can't hold anything. I share EVERYTHING, no matter how unimportant, and over the past few years, I've come to realize that this can be really annoying. (It's to the point where when there's no one around to share things with, I have a conversation with a friend who I imagine to be there.) I've been trying to change it, and I've made some very slight progress in some areas (developing social skills overall), but I just can't figure out how to change some things.
The most important things that I need to stop are complaining (which I often don't even realize I'm doing until someone points it out) and bragging (which from my point of view is more like sharing nice things which have happened to me, but I've been told it sounds like egomaniacal bragging and that's just gotta stop).
Has anyone ever tried to make these sorts of changes before? Can anyone offer any tips? I do my best to keep it in the forefront of my mind and think about what I'm saying before I say it, but this is far easier said than done and I usually catch myself rambling on when it's too late and the damage is already done.
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I used to wear a "shut-up ring." It was a big clunky thing that was a bit too large for my finger, and which would move frequently enough that I'd have to pay attention to it (especially if I was talking with my hands). Whenever I was talking and noticed the ring, I'd think about whether or not I needed to quit talking in the near future, or if I needed to ask a question.
I also started keeping a diary, in which I wrote down everything I wanted to share that no one else would be interested in. That was very helpful, especially because I'd also take notes on how well the shutting-up project was going. When I consciously reminded myself of what I was trying to do at least once every day, it became far easier to make progress.
As far as complaining goes, I still complain a lot. I also try to cry more so I'll pick fewer fights/complain less, as I often got into some of my bigger ones due to depression, rather than real anger... and I try to make it entertaining for the people around me, by making jokes or involving the other folks in my complaints. I also just complain less, which is easier to do when you have more going on in your life. If you can find something you want to do and put a lot of effort into doing it, you'll be more distracted, and you'll find that you have more important and enticing things to talk about than your various minor difficulties.
Hope that helps.
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Umm... In short I would say, don't.
Anyone who can't deal with who you are isn't worth changing for, in my opinion...
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You'll adapt in time.
I had people pointing similar things about me before and with a bit of self control it went away after a while.
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Umm... In short I would say, don't.
Anyone who can't deal with who you are isn't worth changing for, in my opinion...
Eh, it depends. If you're a real jerk then it's you who's the problem. Not that it's the case here, but I'm just saying.
@sappho I also have the urge to talk to people about stuff they don't want to hear. The solution? I talk to my younger brother when he is a jerk. *grin* That way I can talk and nobody else has to suffer me.
Or I talk to inanimate objects. That sometimes happens too ::)
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Poor Darvi. Not comfortable with talking to yourself? :P
Sappho, I had a similar problem once. However, it was much worse - I was a total douche. (Probably still am, but I've had a go at changing.) After I realised how much I really liked my friends, and how I'd been irritating them consistently, I kind of shamed myself into good behaviour. Worked rather well, soon everyone else was receptive to me again.
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Poor Darvi. Not comfortable with talking to yourself? :P
Nah, I keep arguing with myself. Doesn't help that everyone of me is a jerkass to a certain degree. ;D
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It's pretty cool isn't it! You can have a conversation with someone who'll always listen...
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Thanks for the responses so far. I think the "wear something uncomfortable and annoying" (like a big clunky ring) idea is the most helpful so far. The problem is not self-control, it's just *remembering* to check myself (and realizing whether what I'm doing might constitute complaining or bragging). When I was learning the basic social skills of eye contact, monitoring how long I've been taking about the same topic, whether it's time to let the other person speak, whether the other person is interested, etc., I had someone helping me who constantly reminded me and pointed out when I made a mistake. This time I'm on my own. I guess I can ask my friends to point out to me when I'm doing this stuff, but I don't want to put the responsibility on them and I spend more time at work than with my friends anyway.
On a side note, I think it's kind of cool that there are enough players of DF on the autistic spectrum that I don't have to explain in detail what I've gone through learning to act normal. Something about this game... :)
In response to other comments: I went through a long period of time (ah, those teenage years... aren't we all embarrassed about them when they're over...) when I thought the world was just full of jerks and I shouldn't have to change for them. Then when I found out I had asperger syndrome, I finally realized that I'm the one acting inappropriately, not them, and if I ever wanted to be a part of society, I had to learn the rules. These days I'm 25, living on my own in a foreign country, and I have plenty of friends, but I'm still finding myself lonely and left out a lot because people just don't want to spend too much time around someone annoying. I think if I can overcome a few more hurdles, I'll be all set. I'll always be a bit odd, but that's ok by me and the excellent friends I have. :)
The problem is also definitely not that I'm not busy enough. I get up every morning at 6:30 to get ready for work, spend the whole day traveling around the city teaching English lessons with a few short breaks for planning lessons and eating (and writing quick messages on the forum), and don't get home til at least 7:30 pm most days. I barely have time to think and I'm exhausted each day when I get home, then have to make dinner and prepare the next day's lessons before bed (with the occasional hour or two dedicated to some computer games). The constant talking is just part of my personality. Even as I'm running from metro to tram to bus and back again, I'm muttering to myself constantly, and I even catch myself sharing too much with my students, who probably have no interest in my personal life whatsoever. And my poor flatmate (who puts up with this very well and only just pointed it out one night when we were both very drunk) has to listen to me every day before each lesson going "I don't WANNA go teach! I'm *tired* and I wanna go to *bed*." and after each lesson going "That lesson was so great! My students love me so much! I am the greatest teacher!"
And now it's back to work I go... One more lesson and then I'm free!!!
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I'm sure you'll do fine for yourself Sappho. Now that you've realized the 'problem', you've overcome the biggest hurdle. :)
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Get a videoblog.
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Actually I've been aware of this problem for a long time and been trying to fix it, but without success so far. I thought I had improved, but every now and then one of my friends will tell me that I complain way too much, and I trust their opinions and honesty. Hence the thread asking internet strangers for tips. :)
I used to keep online journals about my personal life, but I... Well, one day I realized I was one of *those* people. Those people who rant on (in the most self-centered and emotional manner possible) about every little detail of their lives and then get upset when the entire Internet doesn't stop by to offer condolences. So I stopped, and now I only write stuff on my (comic) blog and twitter that is relevant to other people. (I double-check before each post.) I'm terrified that's how I sound in real life though... That would be horrible.
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Sorry Sappho, I thought you were just socially challenged, like I am.
Any further advice I could give you, would probably not be of any help.
Oh and you're not wrong, the world is full of jerks.
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Yup. Sick, perverted, jerks.
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Write it on your hand. That could help too. I write my important stuff to do on my hand...
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Duck Ape over your mouth.
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Write it on your hand. That could help too. I write my important stuff to do on my hand...
Only problem with this is that then, other people can see it.
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Write it on your hand. That could help too. I write my important stuff to do on my hand...
Only problem with this is that then, other people can see it.
And if you have sweaty hands it gets all smudged. Or you use permamarker, which has its own problems.
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What I usually do when I want to change a trait is I make rules for myself.
For example I'd never let anyone who owed me something borrow money, nor would I let them have anything.
It is easier to follow the rules then to actually make tough decisions all the time.
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No mater it happens I can change my traits , it just takes time , just do the oposite of the specific trait or just don't do it anymore , i just somehow Can't get rid of my Timid trait
My tip : Just stop doing it , whenever you want to do it say into yourself no or just zip your mouth , try to forget about it
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The problem is it's probably not something you would focus on.
If however, you can hold whatever made you do that long enough to think about it for awhile, a couple times, you should be able to mostly eradicate it.
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I can recommend a method to help you - in fact, this method was used by benjamin franklin to great effect.
-Make a list of the things which you are not happy with, that you want to change
-On a piece of paper, draw a table. Have a column for every day of the week and a row for every one of the things listed in the previous part
-Carry that piece of paper and a pen with you. Whenever you find yourself doing something you shouldn't, make a mark in the appropriate place on the table
It's not a quick fix, nor will guarantee to eliminate your problems, but you should find youself making progress as time goes by.
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You must realize that few people are really worth talking to.
Once you have learned that, the rest comes naturally.
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Most people may not be worth talking to, but it's my job to talk to people. I'm a private English teacher and my job is to carry on conversations with my clients - often I end up doing most of the talking if they are shy at first and I need to get them comfortable before they are willing to talk with me more openly. If a lot of that talking is whining or boasting, I might scare them off and lose a client. I'm also 25 and haven't been in a relationship since I was too young to buy alcohol, and it would be nice to not die alone and all that.
I've heard of Ben Franklin's method. I also saw Demetri Martin's special "If I" where he talks in detail about how he used this method for years and failed utterly. I think this method probably wouldn't be too useful for me, as I spend the vast majority of my day either on sardine-style crowded public transportation or up in front of a room full of people (or sometimes in a cafe or something one-on-one with a private student). Also I'm a girl so I have teeny tiny pockets and I can't carry much beyond a bit of money and my apartment key in them - no room for a pen or anything like that, so I'd have to open up my backpack and get one out every time I wanted to write something down.
eerr, you're right - it's not something I normally focus on. Think about it - how often do you ask yourself the question "am I complaining right now?" It's hard to keep at the front of your mind when you have so much else to think about (am I making eye contact enough/too much, is the other person interested, should I pause for a moment, am I slouching again, and oh yeah, all the information I'm trying to convey in the conversation). I have tried writing things on my hand but I just forget to look at my hand until it gets washed off.
I've asked my flatmate to please politely point out when I'm complaining from now on, and he reluctantly agreed (as I expected, he's not too excited about taking responsibility for my problem, but I've helped him out a lot with his problems so finally he couldn't really say no). That was two days ago and so far he hasn't said anything - I think knowing that he might say something is helping me stay aware of it. Yesterday evening just before I was leaving for my last lesson of the day, I almost gave out my usual "ugh, I don't want to go to this lesson," but caught myself and kept silent. It was tough to hold it in but I managed. I was so proud! Maybe I'll manage this after all. :)
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Yeah, often just being aware that other people are ready to point out a problem is enough to keep it mind, so that was probably a good idea. You're lucky to have friends who were willing to explain the problem to you, at least, and while it might not feel great to push some of the responsibility on them, wouldn't they be happier with the change? So maybe its worth asking them about it.
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My advice would be to chill out. Spend at least three hours a day doing as little as possible. Soon you'll realise that life is good and there is nothing to complain about. That worked for me at least, and now I can complain as much as I want because I can't find anything to complain about.
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I'd suggest thinking about this like Aristotle's virtues. Take bravery. Bravery is a virtue because you're in the middle. At one extreme end of the bravery scale is cowardice, which is a vice, and at the other end is foolhardiness, also a vice. Tending to a personality trait means trying to reach a balancing point somewhere in the middle rather than trying to strive for an extreme at either end.
The second part is that if you try to think of yourself as brave, and act brave, you will tend to feel more brave. Feeling braver will affect your future actions, further reinforcing it. Do you have the habit of always locking the door when you leave the house? Totally a habit picked up from reinforcement of your actions.
So that's my suggestion. Approach this with the intent that you will try to gossip less, that you will try to complain less. Don't beat yourself up about the times you notice yourself failing, but give yourself plenty of praise when you notice yourself succeeding. Be careful you don't replace one thing with another: don't start snapping at everyone because you're irritated at having a secret you can't share.
Hope it helps! I know I didn't give you anything concrete ...