Bay 12 Games Forum

First month on the job for the newly appointed Count Urist McDwarf (and my first Count ever, hurray!):

Count Urist McDwarf enforces a mandate: Make an axe.
Count Urist McDwarf suddenly ends the mandate.
*me facepalms for its stupidity, and starts wondering when/if the queen will appoint a new count*

Dear Captain of the Guard,

I gave you a crossbow with the soul purpose of beating people. Killing a guy by shooting him in the head is not part of a "beating". I know that he was throwing stuff at you, but now we have 3 little kids randomly throwing tantrums all over the place... - The Mayor


Dear Mc Dwarves,

When throwing tantrums, please avoid the Captain of the Guard. He was just recently promoted to "Elite Marksman" after shooting Urist Mc. Anger in the head during his tantrum, killing him on the spot. - The Mayor.

Dear Urist McCrotchServerer,

Did you really go and server 3 Dwarves' crotches in a tantrum?

"You cheated on my wife!" *crotch attack*
"You cheated too!" *crotch attack*
"And you... I dont know, but I love the blood!" *crotch attack*

Dear Urist McPump and Urist McScrew, when I say "pump", I didnt mean "jump"... Now I have to assign dwarves to get you out of the water.

EDIT: Urist McPump just found out how to swim...

I just found out that Mayor Urist is in love with thrones. Not woman, thrones!

Proof:
- First he demands 3 thrones.
- Then he puts an export ban on thrones (uhh?)

I am still waiting for that mayor caught having sex with a throne...

I start a new fortress, thinking it was a "mirthful" place. First announcement I get: 2 dwarves attacked and mortally wounded by dwarves, one of them was my miner. Needless to say that I had to abandon the fortress after 5 min due to starving dwarves...

I am thinking something like this, it can be repeated as many times as you wish:

~= water or magma
# = wall
X = floodgate
C = channel
^' = one time pressure plate or lever
= = path
~~~~~~~~~~~~
#X##########
#~~~~~~~~~#
#X#X#X#X#X##
=C=C=C=C=C=C=
^'#=#=#=#=#=##
===#===#===##
############

Sideways:
##X####X####X######
        _         _         ____
\_/\_/  \_/\_/   \_/\_/ 
This system works as follows:
1. The channels are connected to some underground flushing unit. So as soon as the floodgates open, everyone in the channel gets flushed into a lake or pit. Forgotten beasts are going after the closest thing they can break, which is in my case a floodgate, so as soon as they destroy the floodgate the channel will be filled with water and they get flushed out. Adding a pressure plate in the channel insures that any critters will get a good hose. Dwarves will still be able to pass.
2. The upper left floodgate is connected to the one-time lever or switch. This is a safety device for reconstructing the floodgates. After a limited number of tries, the floodgates are gone and you need a way to construct new ones to ensure safety.
3. Restrict access to the roads on the bottom. If the dwarves find themselfs in front of a new watery channel, they will take that road instead.
4. This does not work against monsters that can swim.
5. This does not work against monsters that do not wander (they run after your dwarves instead)

A forgotten beast tries to get to the first floodgate they can find, so in theory will break a floodgate, causing the channel to fill with water, flushing the monster

(For added pleasure: Use magma).