That was really nice Josh. I wish you posted stuff like this every night...
and I keep going, thinking to myself that my life is so bland and tasteless, that I just want something, anything to happen to happen, even something really bad, I just want it to happen and change everything, to change the whole game. I keep walking and reach Essexville, and decided to keep walking through it. Eventually I walk all the way to the other side, so what was a long walk has now turned into a Journey.
I really like this too. I don't know. I love thinking to myself, "This is great, this is exciting, this is amazing." Cackle cackle.
I can't understand some people. I avoid people. I'm not out-going.
My parents are miserable and don't change anything about it. I hate it. It's always money. They can't get along. They're not happy. It makes my stomach turn. Even today and yesterday I heard them arguing. Bickering. Pointless worries. I'm only 19. You guys are way older than me and you still haven't found how to be happy? How to at least enjoy yourself? I can't ask them. I don't feel like you can change people when there's so many.
When I'm out and about in real-life I think probably 100 times more than I actually talk. I've seen this played as a gag but it's real. I don't realize how little I want to interact with people until they try talking to me. I don't know why. Maybe I do. I don't care. I don't care or have any interest beyond affirmation or disagreement.
I was 'suppose' to hang out with my Dad like two weeks ago, but I didn't have the courage to call him and he never called me so I haven't talked to him since. I went over the week before that, but it's weird. My Dad is pretty much in a 'waiting' situation right now for reasons left unsaid. I watch some movies with him and walked outside with him and ate food together but I'm not very comfortable in public. In fact it's truly pathetic how powerless I am. I can't imagine being attacked.
I wish my household was more positive and really it's probably better off being lonely than with them around.
I like taking showers because I can pretty much do what you said there without the traveling. And it's like, guaranteed rain. Of course, if there's people in the house it's bothersome because I'm self-conscious and don't want to stall anybodies churning bowels, whatever. It's just nice to disconnect with everything and relax. It's way more stress relieving than say...playing a game.
Last night I had a strange dream. It wasn't crazy fantastical or monsters or surreal or anything really. I just kind of...hanged out with a girl. Which is suppose to be romantic. Also
it was nice which is shameful. Because I'm an isolated person and it's obviously showing feelings with other people. I don't like that I remembered it so clearly.
I don't think the dream knew what I desire. I don't think I could be in a romantic relationship. I've never been in a real one. All of my friends on campus like me because of what I say. I'm not charming. I'm "funny". I overly judge people harshly, in my mind. I still manage to spit thoughts out on impulse so I always seem to leave the impression of 'high-strung but mellow' because of intense statements but also not ever getting into conflicts with anybody.
I mentioned this earlier but when my English professor gave my final manuscript back this spring semester (it was an A!) she mentioned if I wanted to talk to somebody. I obviously don't have the courage to post the manuscript somewhere (not that you'd care), but I probably do fit the bill of having an unsound mind.
Going back to earlier...it's hard to see any deeper connections with anybody. Even if I become involved with somebody deeper than ever before (hah) it's impossible I'd be able to comfort them. I think I enjoy disarray. Sorrow, despair, fear. I've mentioned it in longing in the anime thread sometimes when I was excited (as in, not now) and even if it sounds melodramatic or attention-seeking I still desperately can't avoid it in myself. I'm still way too awkward and a coward to laugh.
But I want to laugh now.I can hear my Mother arguing with my step-Dad over something petty. She's contradicting herself, he's contradicting himself. I can't say anything. They don't want to change. They enjoy doing this, for me. My Mother turns around and has the most anguished face her countenance could muster. It's hilarious.
But it shouldn't be. They always acted like this my whole life, it can't be changed. Unless something dramatic/extreme happened (as I so wish, you seemed to mean something like that in the quote I kept) this situation won't change. Shouldn't I enjoy it? Why waste the negative on anxiety when it could be simulating to the mind? Haha, why do you keep doing this. It's so useless. Fools. Gleeful contempt. They're blind and can't see what they have. I'm blind and can't see what they want. But clearly, what they want and what I want aren't the same thing. But, I appear, to be, winning.
I have no ambition. It goes along with the whole kind of 'lost in the fog' kind of bodily feeling. But I think if you can find a stride it's rewarding. Like for me it's fiction. Good fiction, bad fiction. It's all there to pick and part and devour. Discuss in the community or one-a-one with buddies.
There is a serious lack of drive though. I have depressing sleeping habits I don't even want to share (but will). I over sleep. I don't fall asleep until after the sun comes up. I feel like I'm dreaming for days. I lay in bed after waking up for at least half an hour. This of course, won't apply when classes start up, but for now, it stays.
Do things others ask of you for no reason other than there's nothing else.
Scorn and mockery.
But that truly is ultimate bliss for me isn't it. Ensnaring myself in wild delusions, grand fantasies, epic
journeys/adventures (as you said) which make life truly worth experiencing. Getting those wonderful happy shocks to the brain. Laughing at people who don't understand how to live, because they don't want to. Acting harshly.
Sharing those tales with others, hopefully sparking their own reverie. It makes me really afraid of dying. And I don't wish that on anybody. I've never been big on hurting people so I keep my mouth shut...
I don't think I'd write like this unless it was late enough for me not to regret it. Maybe I'll just toss and turn in bed. Maybe I'll praise the house I'm living in for sheltering me against the outside world for weeks at a time. And give thanks to my parents for having the courage to go outside, and praise them for working, and praise them for who they are, and shed a tear over what has been broken while smiling stupidly.
