That is really touching Josh. ;_;
I don't know how to respond to that without talking about myself.
What the fuck's wrong with me. All I want to do is go to sleep. I didn't sleep at all all last night, and I fall asleep at 6 today and get four hours of shuteye and now nothing. My body is listless but every time I lay down, my brain starts firing on all cylinders, wanting to stay preoccupied with SOMETHING so it doesn't turn on itself in desperation.
Currently 4:36am here, gonna be longer when I finish this post. Trying to go to sleep when I'm not completely exhausted is
impossible for myself. It's probably for you too. I was quite pissed last night because it was around 5 or 6am and I could not sleep a wink so I ended up reading volume 1 of Vagabond. A work schedule seems to make sleeping easier if you're out of the house all day doing labor.
Ever since the earthshaking event that revived my interest in wanting female affection, something I've been deliberately suppressing for six years now, I feel a great curse has been branded on me. The fear of women has dominated my entire life, completely shaped me into the person I am today, that I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt. However, with this wantonness inside of me, it's been consuming and reshaping my lifestyle, and I'm starting to understand the severe ramifications of this change. With this alteration of priorities, each aspect of my life is captured in new light, and I worry that the road ahead of me is one of self-destructiveness without fail.
Either I'm still 'suppressing' or I can't find any desire here still. Yeah sure maybe something impulsive but...
For my entire life I have been building walls, training myself to adeptly avoid conversation, to avoid giving others information about myself, to avoid conflict, and to never open myself up that the fragile person inside of me might be given a lethal blow. With this change in priorities though, now wanting to socialize with others, these walls I've built stand in my mind as great barriers to entry. There was never a self-defeating philosophy more true than what I have grown to embody.
Yep. I don't ever feel like 'myself' in front of other people. The closest person that knows me IRL is my brother and even then I feel controlled by some stranger force of reason.
Furthermore there is an additional shame inside of me, the younger generation of today is something I've always chastised my in mind, for the zeitgeist that they create characterizes their era by their utter lack of restraint, shortsightedness, wanton lasciviousness, and an utter lack of respect for themselves and the world that created them. I say that, but deep down I've always wanted to be them as well, that I am hypocritical in wanting those things while looking down on them my entire life.
That's simple desire for selfishness. I'm sure most people have that. I lack the attitude or mind set for that though, I guess.
While it was someone, I believe MSH, that informed me that meaningful social contact is a necessity to sane living, I can't help but feel that I've railroaded myself onto a path leading to the certain destruction of me, and I can only watch as I grow fatigued, become beaten, and die.
Contact is pretty required I think. I consider my true friends to be the ones I talk online with anyway...which pretty much has to involve what others have done too!
It has always been an oddity with me, that I've always considered building relationships and friends and maintaining them, to be more stressful and requiring much more intuition and effort on my part than actual work. As one might expect, meeting new people and connecting with them is a skill I feel has become atrophied through disuse.
I have met many people I got along well with. I never had the courage or as you probably said more accurately "stressful and requiring effort and time" which would make me very socially lazy? Or weak? Either way after parting ways with them (HS and College acquaintances mostly) I'll never interact with them again. I have a Facebook but for what purpose? I don't like using it and reading what people I knew before but don't talk with now is weird.
You are most kind in saying that the old me is divorced from the new me. While I'm working on redeeming myself, my mind still wanders to my many mistakes in life, and I am forced to repeat to myself that I've forgiven myself for my wrongdoings, every day I must do this, but my mind still focuses on these negative things. Most poignantly is that I have a worse habit than that, in that when I think of something emotionally jarring, as such thoughts spring into my mind spontaneously at any given moment, I physically flinch and recoil as if in pain, and if I'm by myself I'll yell and curse; people often worry that I've gone suddenly mad when this happens. It's odd that for so many years when these things happen, I'll reflexively say "I hate myself" as is almost like a ritual that I've perpetuated for years and years now. As I said though, I aim to redeem myself, and so I make a concerted effort to curb this habit.
I've said this to myself and others. It's very negative. When in the car with my parents I'll note how badly they're driving but never say it out loud because why would you? Whenever I hear or see somebody do something I don't like I don't usually mention it because it's way too assertive! Well that didn't come out right.
What interests me the most is when I get a flash of something 'gruesome' but I can't help and smile or give a 'hehe'. It's pathetic, probably? I don't know if it's what I truly want or if mental wrongness is getting the better of me. It feels attention seeking and I don't like it. I walk with silent foot falls and close doors cautiously so that nobody hears them. Is that strange and paranoia? Is it my desire to be invisible or the fact I already am to myself? As in, I
don't want to hear my own footsteps. I don't want to hear myself closing the door. I don't want to see myself.It's a very emotional thing. What could contain emotion but 'hate'?
One time the other week, I was crying to myself in bed, because while I am not religious in the slightest (and in fact have been a flaunted atheist since the 2nd grade) I was still reduced to praying in my desperation. Fear and uncertainty has a steeled grasp on my heart, an unshakeable and painful grasp that for many years has crippled my confidence and has been guiding me into ruination. In my weakness I prayed, asking sincerely that that grasp finally be dispelled and I can live as the confident and happy person I always wanted to be, that I would give anything to make it happen.
I like crying. Maybe that's weird. But when I'm happy I cry. I may be sad when I start crying but it makes me happy. Because it's emotional and feels soothing. I haven't been able to cry seriously in a long awhile. I don't want to make this sound like I "envy you for being able to cry" because that's rude and twisted, but I think the act itself is a very moving and good thing.
As for praying...I haven't done that since I was like 10 or 11 years old. I even remember what I was praying for. I wanted to live somewhere else. I don't mean location, but a different world or some such. I even remember I had a stupid Sonic "action figure" (which I still have somehow) that I clutched in my hands as a token or something. It was very childish but also very sad I think. I managed to find my way though. Books(manga), stories(LNs), games(VNs), series.(anime) These large worlds already existed and exist for a reason. Created by others. And I will do the same, it's the least I could do and gives purpose. There are some empty lives out there. I'm sure you've seen them.
I realize though that I am the only person that can help me, I just wish I had close confidantes for support for when I'm unsure and troubled, but that is a luxury I feel even more fortunate people cannot afford.
I look down on internet adorable hug fests and the shit, but I can praise you for being a good poster and user and friend. I've shared more words with you than most people I know. You know more about me than the people who live in my home. It's a strange feeling. But, I feel that who and what I am now, how I act in front of others, is who I really am. Keeping the atmosphere normal?
I'm starting to get internal conflict after typing that.
I just feel that, I found how to live my life the way I wanted. And I'm content with that. I don't want to live a dull empty tale but I have no desire for materials or popularity beyond what I already find reasonable. I want to read, I want to create for others to read. And I will do those things. I
am doing those things right now. I can see going to college as nothing but a challenge to myself and also a means for my future to
continue with my life.The end, I guess.
