Bay 12 Games Forum

My biggest gripe is probably that sometimes it just feels like my actions are hopeless. That a long time ago I got locked out of having a happy and normal life, and I'm fucked there. That I got locked out of tapping my potential and I'll never attain even superficial affection from ignorant admirers. That I got locked out of even having peace of mind so I can forgive myself for the years of loneliness, impotence, and stupidity that I'm guilty of.
I swear, it feels like life could end any day now. Just something terrible will happen, and I'll be gone, and everything I've ever done won't amount to anything.
I took a swig of Nyquil, my mind digs it's heels in and refuses to fall asleep even when tired, just having that chemical push it into the abyss of slumber makes it seem possible.

It's worth mentioning everyone I know to a fuller extent feels this way.  My Dad, my friends on campus, ME.  And my Dad is much older than most people here.

I suppose it's worth mentioning what I found to be relaxing is pretty much every night I lay down and read something in tranquility.  Well either that or listen to music while doing something productive *cough*.  Having a goal to do something always works.  I for one have my own personal goal to do EVERYTHING whatever that means.  Certainly not sit and mindlessly watch TV or play generic FPS #18140, I'd rather shoot myself.

I had a pretty bad day today.  I missed my first class because I felt terrible (and then more terrible for missing class), so I created a network of lies that worked (and felt more terrible), and then I completely forgot to put the clothes in the dryer so when everybody got home it was a major inconvenience since my parents were going out, again.  I don't care about them anyway.  What I enjoy most is of my own creation, in mind.

But then afterwards, I could relax!  Everybody needs time to themselves.  And completing series gives me a sense of progress?

For me the hardest thing in life is why am I even trying to succeed in life when I find none of it enjoyable.  If left to my own whims I would obviously do what I want, but I don't.  I thought at one point I am just challenging myself to face social situations because I'm an idiot.

Seriously yesterday I pumped gas for the second time in my life.  It's terrifying.  And I have to talk to people daily.

EDIT:

I'm just tired today. I wish I weren't so bad at falling to sleep. When these tired moods come over me, I'm trapped reminiscing over the past, and how I measure up to my past self, and realizing that I'm still pretty worthless.
Sometimes I just remember stupid stuff I've said 5-6-7 years ago, and I still get angry at myself. So angry I just want to scream and yell at myself for making saying such stupid stuff.
I'm gonna try to get some sleep.

I had trouble sleeping last night as well.  It was cold and I didn't feel tired, but I had to sleep for the class I ended up missing anyway.  Perfect.

I've noticed Triad love doing exactly that.

Just beat Metal Gear Solid 3D. Damn.

Ohoho, somebody finished MGS3 today.  Can anybody guess whooo

It has the best fancomics though.

Oh gog yes, tell me when you finish the game Josh.  Same for Investigations.

So god it's so hot. Again. Come on, weather, it's not even April yet. Stop pretending it's June.

I had the worst night yesterday because it was frakkin cold my fingers turned into cracker jacks.  I could have left the heat on but nooo it was comfortably warm going to bed at the time.

The Digimon dub just made stuff up.  All the off-screen talking wasn't even in the original and it doesn't have any meaning whatsoever.  There's a comparison site somewhere that does almost every episode.  I read most of it for some reason.

This sounds right but they had a major web redesign it seems, it's kind of...hard to look at.

I will be ultra busy and use that as an excuse for any scumslips.