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« on: September 06, 2011, 10:56:33 pm »
I am so aggravated!
I'm not sure why I even started college. I've done everything right up to this point and I just started my second week and I have my whole goal sorted out and everything but I am so unsatisfied! Sure learning new stuff is cool but I wouldn't call it what I would want to do myself! What would the world be like if everybody did what they wanted most? I don't know what I want most so I guess that's where I end my adventure.
I got a cell phone like ten days ago for the first time in my life and the first thing I have to do is add my Dad to it, argh. He called me a few days ago and he wants to go camping this weekend because it'll be "the last warm weekend" and I said okay but what I was really thinking was "no Dad gog no I have college work and I don't want to get eaten by bears" but then again I can bring my textbooks up into the mountains and study there so I accepted that firmly.
My sleep schedule is trash. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are heavy-load days so I get no sleep because I just have to get a few hours of manga/VN/LN reading out of the way. I shouldn't even be awake right now if I want a healthy amount of sleep, oh well.
One positive note is that classes seem fine. I've had a looksie of all my classes now and it doesn't seem hard at all. I know that it's just a horrible thing to say supposedly but I really don't care about my grades as long as I understand what's going on. If I do B work and get a B then whatever. If I do C work and get a C then so on. I don't expect to fail this semester because I really don't think I have time to worry anyway hohoho.
I'm trying to be depressed here but it's difficult. I could still state how lonely I am, but that doesn't matter because I made that decision myself and it's not like I don't talk to people. I'm social-able with peers, talk to my brother, and chat with people on Steam daily. I just typically act aloof in public like some moody loser and only respond like some higher being of insert mythological being here.
I could say I am unsatisfied with the world but again, I have to make my own impressions. I need to feel good for my accomplishments and where I am from my past (my past is baaaaaaaad). I'm in college! And it's easy! (I know I'm not suppose to say this but shuuuuuuuut uuuuuuuup I'm a good kid) Sure, it's a time-eater spawned by the devil himself but it's a way for me to actually go outside every day and do stuff instead of...doing what I enjoy.
This is where the main inner conflict rises I believe. I'm going to college and that's great and all but I'm losing out on what my pure inner self wants to do. I want to bunker down and never see the sun again. I don't want to go outside and have to talk with strangers awkwardly like some stroked duck. But I'm doing this to myself and I don't know why. I lost my goal for academic success in my Sophomore year of High School.
I actually enjoy these kinds of conversations. I like being introspective, I like riding the introspective train in orange land. I love psychology. If it was available I would have took it this semester even if it's not related to my major. Living in a household full of non-thinkers is a bit more lonesome I admit, but then again I've never grown up in an intellectual environment in the first place. I have no idea why I am who I am today.
TANGENT
Speaking of people's personalities. I wonder what causes that. I know environment is suppose to be important but it's too broad. I guess the time you grow up in factors it. I can't imagine who I would be without mah interwebz. I don't even know if I would recognize myself personality-wise. See, what factors who we are? To be blunt I think we all behave how we are that day just because that's how our body works, the brain and stuff and everything else I'm uneducated in. Some other anonymous person on the internet reading this probably has his own theory and there may even be some concrete proof of something but I'm typing this post now and I'm not looking at any sources.
Hmmm, personally I think my own personality is really really passive. Growing up I learned to never engage in anything because it's just trouble. I wouldn't want to argue with anybody and I'm sure my parent's fighting helps support that because I hate it. I would ask why do people have to fight but this already no-purpose post is losing content rapidly. I swear if somebody tried to mug me I have no idea what I would do. They probably would have a small knife (hopefully) and ask for money. I hope that doesn't happen, hehehe.
Why am I so cruel to myself and why do I feel weak in every decision I make? Even now trying to sort my thoughts it feels like I'm doing the wrong thing. Somebody will hate me for this. I can't say how many but somebody will definitely hate me for this. Somebody will also possibly quote this and say that's incorrect or something but in the end it doesn't matter because I swear 80% (bullshit statistic) of everything I read I get absolutely no emotional response from because it just doesn't effect me in any way, shape, or form. I'm a selfish teenager of the 'me' generation I think? I always like buying stuff for myself! Why, the last time I bought something was only four months ago and it was books!
Yes this post is all about me, me, me. I know I wouldn't read it because it was okay at first and now it's just getting stupid. I'm even referencing this post while posting this post so you know it's bad. Sigh.
Well, in any case. College is leaving me no time to be depressed, I have no time to do anything satisfying yet at the same time I also don't care about the effort I put into my work (but I will put in as much effort as possible because ┐(￣ー￣)┌ a witch did it), and my Dad wants me to go into the mountains again because it will just be too cold the next weekend! Not that it matters, next week will be the full five days.
If I had more inane thoughts to post I'll make sure to not go to sleep for tomorrow's 8am class and MAKE MY VOICE HEARD.
I don't want money!
I don't want fame!
I don't want beauty!
I just want happiness!!!
>:O
Wow tomorrow's schedule is fucked I'm so fucked hahaha
haha
hahaha
hoho
ha
