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« on: July 10, 2011, 04:19:18 am »
I find myself with a backwards sleep schedule like last year during the summer. Except this year I'll be going to college in the Fall. College. Me. College. I know I've grown over these past few years since I've gone back and looked at my more immature posts in the past which I do feel embarrassed about now but as with life everything changes as time moves on. I'm just hoping it's for the better. Anyway, prepare for a melodramatic post about my life currently since I feel I need to express myself to strangers on the internet and not, say, family (since I have no close friends).
I feel very lonely this summer. My family is always out of the house and I stay in. Sure I'll go out fishing with my Dad or help my Grandmother mow the lawn but I feel like I'm really just doing it to stay in touch with people. If it's not obvious my life is very solitary so my thoughts wonder without anybody to distract me. I find myself thinking about things and finding answers I'm not to fond of. I'll lie in bed and realize I have absolutely no motivation or energy to get up. I also find myself taking showers constantly to feel better about myself, otherwise I'll never be in a good mood. The majority of the time when I wake up my parents and grandmother aren't even home. I do my morning ritual before diving back into the world of fiction that I love and what is keeping me alive. I really don't care about going to college or getting a driver's license yet this is expected of me. I feel selfish yet at the same I realize my life has been much better than most. Sure I lost my home and my parents hate each other but I still have my brother and my Dad and my Grandmother and none of them would want me to be dead. I'm sure it would break their hearts. I can't imagine what it would be like if my Brother was alone or my Dad found out that his proud son was gone. That's too sad to even think about.
Those are the two things I can see myself living for. Works of fiction and the connection I have to my family. I know people love me but I have a hard time loving them back. I do feel kind of emotionless at time, but I know for a fact I can feel. I just have a hard time expressing it at the right moments. Whenever I hear somebody approaching me I always unconsciously feel myself straightening my face. I guess it's a flaw of mine. Would that be because I don't like people judging me? Yeah I'm pretty damn insecure. I think I've mentioned before but I do feel really wrong with whatever statement I make. I'll make a post say, and then I would just feel like what I said was completely wrong. Yet, inverting the statement doesn't fix it either. That would be insecurity I guess. Maybe I just need a big 'ol hug of self-confidence.
I don't have many people to talk to either, and I suppose that's my fault too. Yeah, I would say the majority of words I speak are actually not spoken words but written words. I never go beyond confirmations with my parents. Hmm, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting really off-track and wrong. Sorry for making you read this.
I've tried to think of a solution while depressed but obviously that doesn't work out. Actually, today (err yesterday) some friend of my Mother's stopped by with her child. Now I've seen this child many times already yet every time seeing how energetic he is makes me smile. I love that energy. I wish I had it for real. I do remember having that energy when I was around his age, why did I have to lose it? Is it my fault? Is it my fault that I can't smile at myself? It would have to be my fault, since I'm the one to make that decision right? I could smile through anything if I wanted to?! But no, I don't do that. It would be better if I stopped thinking about it and just did it, heh.
Still, even spilling my thoughts out in this post hasn't really changed my disposition. It just feels like 20 minutes went by suddenly. That's okay though, since I just wanted to draw attention to myself ha ha ha. Nah, I'm kidding. I think I should get some nice bed rest now, later guys.
