Bay 12 Games Forum

Quote from: ToonyMan on April 23, 2011, 12:00:09 am

Mainly, I'm making this sad post to state my dissatisfaction with myself and possibly the world.

Take a chance.  Talk to someone.  I can't make any recommendations as to whom or how to go about it, but find someone to have deep, personal conversations with.  You'll learn a lot about yourself and the more people you do this with, the more faith you will have in people.  I can't say that I've ever felt the way you describe, but I definitely know what it's like to be dissatisfied with people.  When you look at the big picture, it's really really depressing.  It's easy to fall into a void.  The thing that has always kept me going is a find an outlet for those thoughts.  I find ways to regularly connect with new people in personal settings where I lay out my thoughts to the limits of my comfort.  If you can get a person speaking honestly in a serious conversation without social pressures to influence their thoughts, you'll be hard pressed to find anyone that is truly a bad person without positive qualities... and I hope you'll feel better... it works for me, anyway.  I think I've been getting depressed lately partially because I haven't done this in a while.

It's not that I'm dissatisfied with people, people are who they are.  I'm dissatisfied with the thought that my "real life" will continue on being completely mundane in this world.  Completely mundane.  I'm following the life book quite literally and on the outside my progress is really stellar from where I started off, which I might share one time when I'm in a bad mood.  I feel pretty content right now because I just woke up recently, but who cares?  We're going to have an Easter party at my Grandma's today for some reason (Easter's tomorrow), but who cares?  Almost everybody I know who's coming I don't even like.  I'll probably converse with the people I do like in the basement and maybe I'll laugh at something.  I do seem to laugh when I'm in a more public setting with people I'm comfortable with.  Although I feel like I'm just putting dressing on the salad if you know what I mean.
Am I suppose to be emotionally shunted?  I had Spring Vacation this week, woo-hoo!  No I don't feel anything at all, maybe I should be a front-line soldier.  I could make my life more exciting, but nothing sounds enjoyable or feasible for my position.  I enjoy cooking at home by myself and watching/reading manga/shows/VNs on the computer, and people might tell me to "find something new", but to be honest I wouldn't want to do anything else.  Doing stuff on the computer is probably the only thing keeping me alive.  If this was the 80's or 90's I would have read all the books.  I should have saw my love of fiction sooner and I'm sad I didn't really get into it until I was around 15.  But at least now I can dull the pain of dullness with mild enjoyment and possibly even enjoyment (that means actually smiling).
Going to school actually kinda helps me forget.  When I get a week off like this I get a lot of time to think and thinking is bad for me, except when I'm solving a murder case.  Funny enough at school people seem to think I'm doing a lot better than when I started, which is nice to hear.  I definitely laugh a lot more in school, mostly because since I'm in such a public setting I can enjoy myself more.  I stopped hating people around 15 years old too.  There's no reason to hate somebody or people who do a certain thing.  They seem to be enjoying themselves anyway.  Last day I was in school I was on a field trip and it was pretty enjoyable.  People think I'm really funny, but most of my jokes are really out of hatred of my life.
When I said talking to my brother was an option, I didn't mean anything personal.  Although I guess talking about my interests is enjoyable, since he'll do the same back to me ha ha ha.  I should stop trying to look smart.  I'm not smart.  Smart people know how to be happy.  I hate using words that question somebodies intentions or intellect.  It makes me feel like a jerk for some reason.  I guess I should stop talking now because my topic is getting kinda fuzzy as I go along, so farewell for now.

I feel pretty monotonous whenever I'm doing anything.  Like anything I do I don't feel satisfied in at all either.  I think I need something big to happen or my life is gonna be really boring.  I'll probably have to do this myself too, although I've managed to actually stay pretty content when I'm entertaining myself, but even that gets pretty depressing sometimes.
I've been living at my Grandma's for over 2 months now.  As I guessed we're definitely gonna be staying here until after I graduate at least.  In the meantime I don't give a fuck about my progression into college, but I'm going through with it because I have been preparing myself for years and I might as well use my high honors to good use.  Electrical Engineering Major at UCONN, that's me.
Still hide my hobbies from everybody I know except for the extremely personal like my brother and strangers on the internet.  I kinda want to come out and say my true interests aren't actually studying at home for the next test, but I feel kinda embarrassed about it.  Which is a good thing, because I'm kinda lacking in feelings right now.  Nobody would care about my interests at school anyway.  Not like anybody is even going to respond to any sincere posts I make either.
I've made progress in social interactions.  On the bus to school everybody is pretty cool with me.  There's this kid though that always gets bullied and I don't do anything about it.  I feel pretty bad about that but I'm not a very righteous or courageous person.  I even learned the kid has lived in foster homes his whole life and I feel even worse.  What did this guy ever do to you?  He's one of the nicest kids I know at school and he's always messed with, hrm.

Mainly, I'm making this sad post to state my dissatisfaction with myself and possibly the world.  I'm having a hard time relating to anybody I see and I'm never in a happy mood.  99% of the things I say are out of bitterness or hatred and I don't like it.  Even making this post now disgusts me.  The only way I get enjoyment is when I'm able to escape from this world and live I life I'll never have.  Those mornings when I wake up and still don't really have a grasp on what reality is are the best damn moments ever.  I may try to have an optimistic attitude, but shouldn't I actually be happy with that mind set?  I'm living my life without living and I don't like it.  Maybe I should talk to my parents about it.  They'll never be able to understand my interests, but they'll understand my feelings, maybe.  I don't have much confidence in what I just said amazingly.  I think I need to go into a fictional world again before I slowly lose the energy to even be sad.

Ah. I tried to get into Mabinogi, and failed. Something about the gameplay just irked me.

Well go figure.

Quote from: Ochita on April 22, 2011, 09:28:12 pm

AoD. Why.
Just.. Why?

Habbo's completely pathetic. The moderation and the majority of the users included.

Come on man, challenge yourself.  Get banned from cooler and cooler places as you go on.  Don't stick to baby mode Habbo.

sparkle sparkle sparkle

The only thing I feel bad about is watching other kids gets bullied and doing nothing about it.

Look what you did Cthulhu with your randomness.

You don't have to argue you know.
(response must be at least four digits in word length)

You should play Umineko then if you like Higurashi a lot.  I'm kinda playing backwards here.