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Messages - JoshuaFH

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1
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« on: January 15, 2024, 12:10:47 am »
Hey everyone. It's been a while. I hope you guys are doing alright.

I'm just dealing with the same things as always. Feeling lonely, but the world is lonely, and any possibility of human contact is impossible. At least it feels impossible. I'm getting caught in these anxiety spirals where my life feels farcical, and all my thoughts are farcical, and everything I do is farcical; and I just feel fucking stupid and there's no value to anything in my life and I've done this to myself. I just wish I had someone to talk to, maybe to hug as well; I think that would defeat most of my anxiety, but this is the curse that's been cast on me, and it feels I simply must live with it until the day I die.

I'm off to bed, hugging my pillow activates a bit of the parasympathetic(?) nervous system I think. I have work tomorrow and it just never gets easier.

2
General Discussion / Re: I like anime, do you like anime?
« on: December 20, 2023, 09:21:00 pm »
Quote from: RoseHeart on November 09, 2023, 07:44:37 pm
Just saw the "little sister bringing tea for brother and papa while they work on coding" scene from Good Night World. (Episode 3 or 4 I think?)

I just recently finished up Good Night World, and damn I was not expecting what I got. I thought it'd be a touching tale of a family reconciling their differences, however inadvertently, over an online game and getting a nice, wholesome ending. Something like Dad of Light, a live action show with a premise like that. What I GOT from Good Night World was the most insane cranking up of stakes and melodrama ever. I was interested and engaged all the way through, so I won't say it was bad, but JESUS did the show's premise grow to hyperbolic proportions near the end.

3
General Discussion / Re: The Dream Thread
« on: September 28, 2023, 02:34:47 am »
Something roused me from my sleep last night, and I'd have swore to god there was a giant ass spider crawling on my wall next to my bed. I sprang up and got the phone next to my bed to try to get more light on it, but my eyes were focusing on and it was clear that I was in a half-dream state still. The plaster on the walls seemed to be glowing in constantly changing shapes, and they were distracting me from trying to make out the spider I'd swear was there. It took maybe twenty seconds, but eventually the spider metamorphosed back into the carbon monoxide detector it was originally.

Really spooked me, cause I have had recurring nightmares about spiders for all my life, and it felt like one of those beasties finally got out onto my wall.

4
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« on: August 10, 2023, 09:43:12 am »
Quote from: nenjin on August 09, 2023, 06:30:33 pm
Sadly reminds me of my mom's dog. Through a total lack of exercise and constantly feeding him human food, he was full blown diabetic by like 7. Get a call one day that she needs my help getting him to the vet. He's laying on the floor, panting and sweating and can't get up. I have to dead lift a 70 pound dog multiple times myself to get him into the car and into the vet. Vet says he's in late stages of diabetic shock and we have to put him down.

This is after I made it a point to exercise him multiple times a week when my mom was in the hospital and I had to take care of her everything for her for months.

That shit sucks man, I'm sorry. But you should accept that putting them down is the only financially reasonable, and more importantly, humane solution. If a test for parasites isn't too expensive I would still go for that to see if they just have a bad parasitic infection though.

I took my Dog to get her put to sleep... that's probably the hardest I've cried in years. The people at the pound surmised that she had an infected uterus (I was wrong about it being anal bleeding...), and an emergency spay could fix it, but that would be a ruinous 1000+ dollar operation that's not even guaranteed to work... I really feel like I failed her, but I don't know what I could have done. I feel it's my Mom's fault for not getting her spayed (I thought she was...) but it's too late to assign blame.

Ultimate it's for the best, my Mom was too old and frail to be taking care of a big dog (her paw claws were seriously overgrown, a sure sign that she wasn't getting any exercise) and my Sister could not care about anything whatsoever. I can't take in any animal in my apartment... It seems this was just her fate. I just hope she knew I loved her.

Thanks Nenjin and Dragdeler, I appreciate the advice and support that can be found here.

5
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« on: August 09, 2023, 04:31:02 pm »
I mean, I've never been to Canada (though I live in Michigan, so it wouldn't be a huge trip, distance-wise.) but I don't have a passport, which a google search tells me it would take 9 weeks or more to get one.

6
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« on: August 09, 2023, 04:10:38 pm »
What would a detour to Canada do? I don't think the free healthcare extends to animals?

7
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« on: August 09, 2023, 03:34:35 pm »
So I have a trip scheduled for tomorrow... and I go over to my Mom's to see how she's doing before I head off tomorrow, and she just brings it to my attention NOW that our family dog has been sick for the last month, not eating and only drinking, bleeding from her rectum, getting very weak, and crying every night; and that she wants to put her down TOMORROW! And she wants me to help her out to do that first thing tomorrow morning.

I try to corroborate these details with my Sister, but I have to force my way through her cold disinterest in fucking everything first... Of course she hasn't taken any interest in her own dog dying.

We're broke, I'm not working right now, we can't afford the luxury of what would undoubtedly be an expensive trip to the vet, so she's jumping straight to euthanasia. The dog is still drinking liquids, so I'm not sure if she's just been very ill (for a month?) and she can get over it with a bit more time.

She told me that it maybe started with them going on a walk and them allowing the Dog to drink river water, which caused her to throw up and be ill ever since.

I just want to hold out hope and say she'll be fine, this is the first major trip I've ever planned for myself, and OF FUCKING COURSE my Mom manages to alchemy up something fucking heartbreaking and dramatic at the very last fucking second. She always does. I hate my worthless family.

I don't know what to do.

8
General Discussion / Re: Twitter is Dead, Long Live X!
« on: August 05, 2023, 02:40:56 pm »
Quote from: hector13 on August 05, 2023, 11:38:59 am
Remember, Musk wanted to back out of the deal, and instead of paying the breakup fee (which I think was $1 billion if I recall correctly) he decided to go to court, lost, and got forced to buy it for the initially promised $44 billion.

Then he sued the lawyers that the previous Twitter owners hired to sue Elon Musk to force him to buy Twitter.

And didn't succeed, obviously.

9
General Discussion / Re: [MILK] There were 12 eggs here what did you do with them? (Happy thread?!)
« on: August 01, 2023, 09:12:13 am »
I've been following a Youtuber Mangs as he ran weekly Fire Emblem tournaments where viewers would submit character builds (following a set of rules and guidelines) and they would fight it out in 1v1 best of 3 single elimination tourneys in a modified version of Fire Emblem 8: The Sacred Stones. The winner of the final tournament goes on to become the main character of a "Create My Unit" romhack he intends on making at some point in the future.

These have been wild fun. The finale of "Season 1" concluded recently and it really was just extremely hype. What an extremely tight and climactic ending that was! For something that was wholly improvised, that turned out to be a very even fight right at the end, it was so exciting!

I didn't think to submit any characters myself until the tournaments were nearly completed, and by then the crowd of people clamoring to join was too large for me to have any real chance of getting in. Just watching the meta evolve over time has been intriguing, and looking over the rules document and theorycrafting characters is far more fun than it has any right to be. I'm really looking forward to the next season, whenever it happens.

For anyone interested in watching it yourself, I'd STRONGLY suggest not looking at the Youtube comments, or even getting a plugin that turns off Youtube comments, because the top comments will spoil the victors immediately.

10
General Discussion / Re: Twitter is Dead, Long Live X!
« on: August 01, 2023, 06:13:21 am »
I see that X and I just want to die of cringe every time.

11
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you mildly upset today thread
« on: July 30, 2023, 04:01:47 am »
I picked up Fire Emblem Fates again, just because I miss the pairing mechanic so much, and it upset me that the 'good' part of the game is so small. After Conquest chapter 10, which is a chapter that's so honest and pure in design, and then after that it's a straight nosedive into irritating gimmicks and bullshit. I hadn't touched the game in years, and for good reason, and that reason was that the game is such a crushing disappointment. It just upsets me to see so much wasted potential.

12
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« on: July 28, 2023, 12:11:04 am »
Quote from: Maximum Spin on July 27, 2023, 05:14:44 am
Quote from: JoshuaFH on July 27, 2023, 04:19:40 am
Every week I have a DnD session with some friends of mine. These are all friends I've met online (and have never met in-person) and we play through Roll20. This constitutes pretty much all of my socialization for the week, and each session is very enjoyable, though maybe because of that fact it leaves me feeling really very depressed afterwards getting dumped back into my usual loneliness post-session. Moreover, I can't help but mentally dissect my behavior afterwards and always come to the conclusion that I'm a cynical sociopath that simply emulates the emotional intelligence that comes naturally to an ordinary person.
A cynical sociopath wouldn't care about that to begin with.
Quote
The evidence of this is always that, somewhere in the couple of hours we spend together, my mask slips and I'll say something really heartless and/or inappropriate. I try to be very jocular with my friends here, but for example a friend will mention how much they love the adorable little Pikmin when she's playing the game and doesn't want them to die, I just instinctively fumble over my words to say something like "But they're supposed to be your disposable suicide units." and I realize that I've gotten too complacent and didn't think before speaking, so I just said something heartless towards a totally normal sentiment. I want to apologize, but I don't even know what I'd be apologizing for... just for ruining the mood I guess, but I feel that I'd be doing the age old mistake of "Apologizing for getting caught, not for committing the crime." ...
... but also that's a totally normal thing to say. They ARE supposed to be disposable suicide units (... I think, I haven't played it), so reassuring another player that it's okay and expected to lose a few and you don't have to feel bad about it is completely normal and polite.

Ahh... please forgive my melodrama then. I do feel that my intrusive thoughts are becoming more powerful and more frequent lately, so when they're battering me late at night I just gotta vomit them out, and Bay12 here is just my favorite spot to do so.

13
General Discussion / Re: Things that made you sad today thread.
« on: July 27, 2023, 04:19:40 am »
Every week I have a DnD session with some friends of mine. These are all friends I've met online (and have never met in-person) and we play through Roll20. This constitutes pretty much all of my socialization for the week, and each session is very enjoyable, though maybe because of that fact it leaves me feeling really very depressed afterwards getting dumped back into my usual loneliness post-session. Moreover, I can't help but mentally dissect my behavior afterwards and always come to the conclusion that I'm a cynical sociopath that simply emulates the emotional intelligence that comes naturally to an ordinary person. The evidence of this is always that, somewhere in the couple of hours we spend together, my mask slips and I'll say something really heartless and/or inappropriate. I try to be very jocular with my friends here, but for example a friend will mention how much they love the adorable little Pikmin when she's playing the game and doesn't want them to die, I just instinctively fumble over my words to say something like "But they're supposed to be your disposable suicide units." and I realize that I've gotten too complacent and didn't think before speaking, so I just said something heartless towards a totally normal sentiment. I want to apologize, but I don't even know what I'd be apologizing for... just for ruining the mood I guess, but I feel that I'd be doing the age old mistake of "Apologizing for getting caught, not for committing the crime." ...

I'm getting older (I'm the oldest one in my friend group) at 34. Being reminded of that fact makes me sick, I suppose for inescapable mid-life crisis reasons... but getting older also seems to mean that my skin is getting thicker, and it's getting harder and harder to feel how I used to feel about a lot of things. I'm just getting more cynical, more debased, further and further away from the ideal of normality that promises the humble happiness that I'm perpetually denied...

Quote from: nenjin on July 20, 2023, 06:54:23 pm
I know the feels of wanting to help someone who doesn’t want help. (And also getting involved in someone else’s filth.) It sucks that they’re possibly dragging an innocent down with them. But you gotta remember Josh, you can’t destroy yourself to save them. At some point, you have to do what’s right by you. The best thing I think you can do is call child protective services. That’s the best help you can give that kid.

I've had your post here in a tab here in my browser open for a couple days here Nenjin. I've just been contemplating some more. For all my Sister's faults, my niece really does love her Mom an awful lot. Obviously I think that's the instinct of every child. I just don't want to inflict that kind of trauma to my niece, and I don't want to permanently estrange myself to the remainder of my shitty little family. Especially when I feel, deep down, that forgiving them for their faults is the last spiritual test I have to overcome before I'm allowed to be human.

14
General Discussion / Re: I like anime, do you like anime?
« on: July 25, 2023, 05:07:32 am »
I spent the last few days powering through the Dr. Stone manga, and I was really pleased with it. From what I can tell the adaptation from manga to anime was almost perfect, with the anime throwing in a dash of extra Minecraft that wasn't present in the manga. It's very interesting to have a protagonist whose only superpower is that he's apparently an expert in... ehh.... everything? Yeah, he's a savant in almost every single topic imaginable, which is outrageous, but this is a universe that is populated exclusively by Danganronpa characters who are all superhumans in some way or another.

My only complaints would be that the plot is so blisteringly fast at points that it's actually hard to keep up with what is actually happening. Also, at around the halfway point I think, Gen and Chrome pick up very obnoxious verbal ticks that get quickly run into the ground and slam my ass out of my immersion every single time they come up. Which is often. I would also say the villains' philosophies and motives are shallow, or stupid, or both, and immediately crumble at the slightest inspection. This extends to the very final villain, where even the characters are like "Wait... what? That doesn't make any goddamn sense." and while the finale was kinda cool, that final climax felt kinda silly.

15
General Discussion / Re: I deleted twitter and you should too
« on: July 25, 2023, 04:45:33 am »
Elon is just a manchild with too much goddamn money. He's like one of those inbred royals that inexplicably got their country's crown and ran the kingdom into the ground.

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