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DF Community Games & Stories / Re: Dawnbreaks: Kodorokab, Up from the Ashes in the Age of Death
« on: January 29, 2010, 08:21:31 pm »
looks great, but for ease of reading, be sure and start new paragraphs when you change speakers. Some of that giant block of text is confusing on who says what.
Did a quick revamp, as an example, didn't change a thing, just added spaces and paragraphs.
I love the story, but get nuts about stuff like this. Feel free to ignore me if you think I'm nit picking, but it just adds a bit of ease to reading.
Did a quick revamp, as an example, didn't change a thing, just added spaces and paragraphs.
"What's that supposed to mean?", Hraesvelg said, with a bemused look on his face. The source of his confusion was a piece of paper in his hand that said "Craylo". It was just after the annual "vote" for the fortress leader, the only voter being the almighty pot out of which a paper gets pulled. The adult dwarves weren't sure if they should be relieved, amused or just plain confused. "Skaltum, is that your work?", Hraesvelg continued.
"You see,", she started, "He really wanted to try it out. At first, I wasn't sure, but he proved that he could manage it."
"Ah, so he proved it, didn't he?", Hraesvelg answered, grumbling, "Well, I have some news for you: This is a fortress, not a sandbox where a small boy is allowed to rule however he wants! With due respect, Skaltum, but since you've been bitten by that spider, your decisions were quite, how should I say it... odd."
"Oh, so you would like to be the leader? Manage everything? Take all the blame? If you do, then please, go on!"
"This is not supposed to be! This is all going to be chaos, we have to be organized!"
"Sorry, Uncle Hraesvelg", a small voice said, "I didn't mean to cause you any trouble. But I'm sure I could do it!"
"See, Craylo...", Hraesvelg mumbled. He might not like compromises, but he couldn't yell at a small kid, "I'm sure you are very smart for your age, but the fate of the dwarves depends on the leadership. We can't just choose anybody, but..."
"...they have to be chosen by the almighty pot?", Craylo added sarcastically. Everyone laughed. Everyone but Hraesvelg. "I'm sorry, Hraesvelg, but I just couldn't resist. But everyone can be the leader of the dwarves if they are a true dwarf. You know the stories."
Of course, the woodcutter knew the stories. Everyone did, especially the one about the elven king of dwarves. But just because they exist doesn't mean they are true, right? The other dwarves still couldn't make up their mind. Was this just some kind of play? Was this really happening? Whatever it was, it was the most fun they had in weeks.
Hraesvelg narrowed his eyes. He has had it with this 3 year old kid who ridiculed him in front of everyone. "Okay, Captain Smart, answer me these questions: What are the names of the iron ores?"
"Magnetite, hematite and limonite. And of course goblinite.", he answered, grinning broadly.
"What are the steps to making steel and what do you need for it?"
"Smelt iron ore in a smelter to get iron, smelt flux stone and iron in a smelter to get pig iron and smelt flux stone and pig iron with one unit of fuel in a smelter to get steel. If you use a regular smelter instead of a magma smelter, you additionally need one unit of fuel per step."
"What are nobles?"
"An excuse for Unfortunate Accidents."
"How would you deal with a river full of carp?"
"Pour magma in it." The dwarves were clapping. This lad had the potential to be a true dwarf. But Hraesvelg wasn't satisfied.
"Why magma?"
"Because Magma is effective against every creature not made out of fire, it dams the river allowing for safe traversing and it's the start of an obsidian farm."
"Good, Craylo. Good, but not good enough." Hraesvelg smirked at the boy and added with tremulous voice: "We use magma because..."
"...we can?", Craylo interrupted.
If a face could look like it was stumbling, Hraesvelg face looked like that. He stammered, began his sentence again and finally added with a very quiet voice: "Yeah... I guess you're right." He left the meeting hall and locked himself in his room for the rest of the day.
And this was the start of Craylo's one-year-leadership.
I love the story, but get nuts about stuff like this. Feel free to ignore me if you think I'm nit picking, but it just adds a bit of ease to reading.
remember to check for any mistakes, and let me know if you find any.
