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General Discussion / Re: Things that made you mildly upset today thread
« on: November 04, 2021, 12:32:51 pm »
I have a lot of patience for having love for people, despite being abused by them... but as a recovering codependent, I realized that doesn't mean I have to expose myself to it as much either? I can prioritize my wellbeing, set boundaries, step away when they harm me, etc. And I try to be more proactive about telling them that they hurt me, or that I want things to change; I try to do that whenever possible with my folks, with friends with rough edges, etc. Chip away at the stuff that's bad for both of us together, as long as they're willing... and to wait patiently out of arms reach if they're not. Reaching out and checking in from time to time, if they're important enough to me, and all that.
That said... oof. Grr. Etc. Should not be happening. Angry.
I think there's some kind of virtue in loving people, despite their abusive behavior? Or at least in judging or condemning the actions rather than the person, holding space for them, and all that. But holding space doesn't mean allowing someone to keep doing harm either. You can refuse to tolerate abusive behavior, and communicate about that clearly, but still maintain a little garden of hope for things to be better? And maybe soothe the polarized black-or-white thinking a lot of abusers with trauma histories fall into, by allowing the dynamic to be complicated. Letting them know you're not saying they're monolithically bad; that your dynamic has got good and bad aspects, and that the things that are hurting you can be better, if they're willing. And vice versa, if it's mutually dysfunctional.
Granted, it's also complicated when there's a power dynamic between you and your abuser (like, if one is helping the other have shelter/food/pursue their goals, etc). Even if reciprocal violence isn't a concern, cutting abusive loved ones off isn't as simple when it also means putting you (or them) at material risk, or has other life-shaking consequences. I've been there! It sucked leaving an abusive home and giving up all familial support, trying to work 30 hours to afford going to school for 30 hours, selling blood plasma to afford rent, be homeless on and off, etc.! And at other times, it sucked making the choice to stay... to take care of my dying grandpa, while his wife and son lashed out at me from a place of grief, for a few years. Navigating that with any degree of grace and patience sucked! But the harm-reduction calculus works out such that, for the fit young granddaughter to *not* volunteer for that situation, and risk my other older family hurting themselves with caretaking duties... that felt like a greater cost to the world than some abuse I was willing and able to bear. And I loved that man too, so it was easier than it might've been.
All that is to say that A) these situations suck and shouldn't be happening to y'all lovely folks, and B) minimizing harm, and acting from a place of love (for others and for yourself) in these situations is complicated. But sometimes these things will get better, and sometimes they won't... and I hope anyone struggling with these situations can navigate 'em in the best way possible. Sending healing thoughts!
That said... oof. Grr. Etc. Should not be happening. Angry.
I think there's some kind of virtue in loving people, despite their abusive behavior? Or at least in judging or condemning the actions rather than the person, holding space for them, and all that. But holding space doesn't mean allowing someone to keep doing harm either. You can refuse to tolerate abusive behavior, and communicate about that clearly, but still maintain a little garden of hope for things to be better? And maybe soothe the polarized black-or-white thinking a lot of abusers with trauma histories fall into, by allowing the dynamic to be complicated. Letting them know you're not saying they're monolithically bad; that your dynamic has got good and bad aspects, and that the things that are hurting you can be better, if they're willing. And vice versa, if it's mutually dysfunctional.
Granted, it's also complicated when there's a power dynamic between you and your abuser (like, if one is helping the other have shelter/food/pursue their goals, etc). Even if reciprocal violence isn't a concern, cutting abusive loved ones off isn't as simple when it also means putting you (or them) at material risk, or has other life-shaking consequences. I've been there! It sucked leaving an abusive home and giving up all familial support, trying to work 30 hours to afford going to school for 30 hours, selling blood plasma to afford rent, be homeless on and off, etc.! And at other times, it sucked making the choice to stay... to take care of my dying grandpa, while his wife and son lashed out at me from a place of grief, for a few years. Navigating that with any degree of grace and patience sucked! But the harm-reduction calculus works out such that, for the fit young granddaughter to *not* volunteer for that situation, and risk my other older family hurting themselves with caretaking duties... that felt like a greater cost to the world than some abuse I was willing and able to bear. And I loved that man too, so it was easier than it might've been.
All that is to say that A) these situations suck and shouldn't be happening to y'all lovely folks, and B) minimizing harm, and acting from a place of love (for others and for yourself) in these situations is complicated. But sometimes these things will get better, and sometimes they won't... and I hope anyone struggling with these situations can navigate 'em in the best way possible. Sending healing thoughts!
