Bay 12 Games Forum

Urist McHouse: Differential Diagnosis, dwarves!
Edem McForeman: Unh... a chasmed rock dropped on his brain, causing general swelling around his skull, and inside?
Abbinon McCameron: Not really... his Pitchblende scans show a high amount of Carp-adine. Whatever this is, it's not result of chasming
Rakust McChase: Weeell, mate, she's right, y'know. Though I'll still go with McHouse's diagnostic, whatever he says.
Urist McHouse: McForeman, go ransack his house, get me samples from his food and booze. McChase, grow a pair. McCameron, get his consort's consent for lobotomy.
All underlings: Lobotomy?! What for? Ethics! THE DWARVENITY!
McHouse: YOU IDIOTS! That's a clever ruse to annoy McCuddy and slowly drive her into a tantrum spiral, along with the clinic staff! Also - I think he's been poisoned. While I get to deal with McCuddy, go do a spinal tap.
McForeman: You do realise that the pharmacist also works in the clinic, where you get your Ratweedacodins?
*McHouse grins mischiveously*

Later, near the fear-struck Baron's Consort

Meng McNewnoble: *sniff* He was such a gentle dwarf... why oh why did we suffer this much?
Abbinon McCameron: There there, McHouse is the best diagnostician in this whole fort. We'll fix him right up... but... we need to see inside his brain. McHouse thinks a vicious strain of CARS (Carp Induced Respiratory Syndrome) virus got inside his brain when the stone fell on top of him. He might be poisoned with the virus beforehand, though. We'll have to see it ourselves.
Meng: *sniff* o..okay... *engraves consent on tablet*

Same time, at the Legendary Dining Hall of Princeton Fort
McWilson: Wai-that was MY lunch!
McHouse: Y'see? I know your habits well, McWilson.
McWilson: I hate you, yet I can't leave you. You'd do even more damage to this fort if you were left un-supervised.
McHouse: You think you are supervising me? HAH.
McWilson: @½>£#>.
McHouse: Aaaaanyway, SEE YA! *yoinks Plump Helmet [2] from McWilson's tray*

McCuddy's Office
*McHouse hits the window with the tip of his cane*
McHouse: Greetings, stout dwarf. We have much to discuss.
McCuddy: Cut the liaison crap, McHouse. What do you want? I have to leave Princeton for a meeting in Dwarfhattan, NewFort in two hours.
McHouse: Can I cut my new patient's head off?
McCuddy: No.
McHouse: Maybe a little bit?
McCuddy: No.
McHouse: But MOMMY! I WANNA!
McCuddy: No.
McHouse: MOOOOOMMMMMYYYYYY!
McCuddy: No.
McHouse: I'LL HOLD MY BREATH!
McCuddy: House. Stop being an idiot and spill the medicinal reason.
McHouse: Haven't ANY of you read his file? He has a major phobia for carps AND he has been to Boatmurdered as a child!
McCuddy: So what? Many dwarves have been to watch it burn.
McHouse: How many of them were children, brought to a place literally sloshing with goblin and elephant blood? There has been a recent research in Gatalmabdug that relates BARN with mixed goblin germs and elephant blood. A wrecked immune system leads to low blood pressure. Thus his inner ear sends wrong signals, he falls down and stupid haulers dump a dwarfton of refuse on him.
McCuddy: But wouldn't that indicate other ANA diseases? Most common being Lupu-
McHouse: NO YOU IDIOT! IT'S NEVER LUPUS! GAH!
McCuddy: Why are you shouting? Do a spinal tap, come to me with the results AFTER I come back from Dwarfhattan and taken a good night's sleep. Don't kill the patient.
McHouse: *grumble* Fine.

At McHouse's office, he's seen playing with a ☼Cat Leather Ball☼ where a clearly surprised McForeman barges in
McForeman: McHouse, you're NOT going to believe this-
McHouse: His swellings are decreasing?
McForeman: WTF dude, how? Yes, they are decreasing!
McHouse: But his blood pressure is still low. Where does the extra fluid go?
McForeman: Unh.. maybe a parasite?
McHouse: Check the spinal fluid for all kinds of parasites, give him some WAC... and give me the booze you pilfered from his home. This is going to be a long night - for you dwarves. Me, I'm going to watch the Superbowl.
McForeman: You arrogant... okay, I'll call for the others.

Two hours later, McHouse wakes up with a knock on the door

McWilson: MCHOUSE! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE, YOUR WAGON'S PARKED OUTSIDE! OPEN UP!
McHouse: whatdoyouwant
McWilson: It's your patient - he's getting worse! He's been bleeding from every orifice except his ears!
McHouse: feedhimsomedimplecups
McWilson: What?
McHouse: Feed. Him. Some. Dimple. Cups. Don't argue. JUST DO IT.

An hour later, House's home

McWilson: I don't understand - why did you want him to eat dimple cups, and why did it fix him?
McHouse: It didn't fix him. It stabilized him. We have a day or two to fix him. Now get out, I want to sleep.
McWilson: I don't get it.
McHouse: Look, he's not going to die in *checks waterclock* five hours, alright? Now, can I go to sleep?
McWilson: Nope, you're coming with me, back to the ICU. Here's your Ratweedacodin. Be a big boy now.

At the ICU

McForeman: I don't get it. His swellings stopped, even regressed.
McChase: Mate, when life gives you lemons, you make a ☼Lemonade☼.
McCameron: What? That doesn't make sense!
McChase: Yes, that's what I'm saying. All this case - nothing made sense so far. A clear spinal fluid, no sickness, but we have a mate here dyin' to be dead. And McHouse will rip us new ones if we can't find any-
McHouse: You idiots. You didn't even SEE did you?
Underlings: Hey McHouse, see what?
McHouse: Pitchblende his lungs. NOW.

At the patient's bed
McHouse: Say, Cog. Why do you fear Carps?
Cog McNewnoble: Who the hell are you?
McHouse: Just a doctor. We need to know. Why do you fear Carps so much?
Cog: I... I fell down in a river when I was a child, me and my Mom were sightseeing near Boatmurdered.
McHouse: Uh-huh. And, the Carp swarmed around you?
Cog: *sob* Yes!
McHouse: You were right to fear them, Cog. They have been terrorizing you for years. Not by themselves... but by proxy.
Cog: W-what do you mean?
McHouse: Watch this.

*McHouse gets a pair of pliers from a nearby -Gabbro Coffer- and lodges it firmly into Cog's ear*
Cog: *LE GASP* WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
McHouse: Heewwwwo, my pwetty!
*McHouse pulls the plier out of Cog's ear*
Cog: EWWWW
McHouse: See, when you were a kid, you fell down in the carp-infested river. The carp swarmed you, but they had a more sinister purpose. It wasn't the carp that got you, no, instead a different type of fish, Longland Suckerfish, a parasite. Normally, it lodges itself in Carp gills and sucks blood. But, the only orifice it could find on you was your ears, because you were trying to close your nose and mouth. Your body produced blood, and this little sucker drank it. This caused dizzines and fainting spells in you for all these years. And one day, when you fell down, and some haulers dropped some stones on your head, dislodging it from the blood vessel. This caused the major swelling.
McChase: And now you're all fixed.
McHouse: No, you idiot, he's not. Give me the Pitchblende sheet.
McHouse: See, these here little spots? These are the semi-matured eggs of Suckerfish, lodged in your lungs. Dimple cups normally grow underground, but for some reason it's poisonous to these fish - and it tastes awful. The sucker stopped drinking your blood, and it's eggs died. But still, there are around 10000 eggs in your lungs.
Cog: Urp. Derp.
McHouse: Take these pills for two months, and you'll be fine. Well, fine, except your underlings will try to kill you anyway.
Cog: Thanks, doc.