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I should have known better than to end my last post with the words "Nothing left to delay."


To summarize; OGL changes pulled the rug out from under us, "Severedcoils I" is perfectly safe from all this, and "Severedcoils II" will have to pivot from its current course, but we're not going anywhere.

I'd like to open this up to reader feedback. If you have any thoughts as to how any of this pertains to "Severedcoils," please feel free to comment. I ask that discussion be kept focused to our story, though. Just about everyone is upset about the OGL, and there are lots of places to voice those opinions, but I'd like to keep this thread focused on "Severedcoils" and the Dwarf Fortress community. The team will be meeting this Tuesday to discuss where to go from here, and we'll take your feedback into consideration. Once we've made up our minds, I'll let you know what we're doing, close the discussion (you're always welcome to leave a comment on the story if you like it, as long as it doesn't detract from the story), and resume some time next week.

Thank you all for reading. And, don't worry - one way or another, "Severedcoils" will have its ending.

OOC Update:


Map progress: 31/57(?) maps complete!

To expand on the OOC comment in the last post, the reason this story has come to a temporary halt is because our actual game is getting close to the end of the dungeon, and I'm in a crunch to create content for the next area - that is, converting Severedcoils into explorable Roll20 maps! There's a lot of ground to explore, plenty of secrets to uncover, and, quite frankly, I have no idea what the outcome of the party's next visit will be - and that's the point. I've actually been working on these a little each day as I'm able - that said, it's still looking like the next story update will come after the holidays.

IIRC, I currently have four full sessions recorded and unwritten, and at my current rate I average four posts per session - so, even if we were to stop playing for a length of time, I've got a backlog of material to write from. And, since I already have the dungeon after Severedcoils built and ready, once I finish these maps I'll have enough resources on hand to keep running for the next 1-2 years. While that means the story is now running behind the actual game, it also means I'll have plenty of cushion to prevent another break like this for the foreseeable future, unless something comes up.

By the way, if you'd like to have an impact on the near future of the story, there's still an active Community-fort challenge up at the original Severedcoils! Careful, this link leads to spoilers and the challenge itself requires being spoiled, so if you're trying to read Adventure Mode (DnD-story first) you should avoid this! It is, however, an invitation for a challenge that the party will almost certainly encounter the effects of later, so have fun with that.

This is a good read. I've run campaigns based on Dwarf Fortress myself, though I made my own homebrewed system.

Glad you're enjoying it! It's been a fun experiment, and The Sunless Citadel worked out nicely as a good practice run to get us warmed up. I had a custom intrigue system playing out on a d100 table in the background for the kobolds, but... yeeeah, angry dragons tend to be quite disruptive to such things.

Once we leave this dungeon, we'll be entering some homebrewed content for a while before the next TftYP dungeon. I'll be three sessions behind on the writing come this Tuesday, so I'm going to try picking up the pace a little - no promises, it is holiday season and all that!

11 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Noon - 4 Days Until Solstice)
=============

Meepo paraded into the throne room and claimed his throne. As the party and kobolds followed, Zumies pulled Edward aside.

"Now's a good distraction," said the rogue. "Let's go look for loot!"

"Yeah, why not?" said the bard. "Maybe we'll find some information about this place."


Zumies and Edward ventured back through the hazy dragon hallway, and back to the room where they'd first encountered Calcryx. A gaggle of kobolds had uprighted the table and sat around it squabbling over the various trinkets they'd scavenged from the room. A chalk flute, an olivine drum, and other cheaply-made or damaged baubles were strewn about the table before them.

"Approaching?!" announced a kobold holding a knife. "Ah, it's friends! Goblin killers!"

The other kobolds chattered happily. "Hooray! You're back!" "Didja kill all the others down the well?" "What'dja bring back?" "Lookit this cool rock!"

Edward laughed. "Well! It appears we've got fans!"

Zumies looked at the pile of garbage on the table with disdain. "Well, do they have any coin?"

"I'm hosting a big barter day!" The kobold at the end of the bench hoisted his copper dagger around blithely, jabbing it around the diner clockwise at each kobold as he hollered their labels. "Here's Twixo, and Hersho, and Zyro (with a 'y'), and Rutho - and I'm Varn!"

"I could've sworn you were gonna say 'Snicko,'" said Edward.

"He died," said Rutho. "Kit, too - poor Kat, she's inconsolable!"

"Inconsolable!" Varn echoed happily. "Indeed! I enjoy a complex lexicon!"

"Uhh..." Edward cocked an eyebrow. "What is this... bit?"

"I'm learning Common!" Varn cheered. "I've fully gleaned half a large language dictionary, including but absent after letter 'L.'"

"Wait a minute..." Zumies thought his eyes were about to pop out of his head. "You mean to say, you're learning Common by reading a dictionary from cover to cover, and so far know only - but every - word from 'A' through 'L'?"

"Indubitably!" declared Varn, haughtily.

Edward kicked aside Calcryx's broken chain and stood beside the table, leaning over the pile of goods with his arms spread wide. "So! It sounds like you critters need an impartial third-party to divvy this stuff up, eh?"

"Impartial!" Varn clapped gleefully. "Another exemplary jargon!"

"Impressive," said Zumies.

"Impressive!!" Varn's expression effervesced. "Even better! I like it!"

Hersho clung to the olivine drum for dear life. "This one mine! I already said it mine a hundred times, that makes it mine."

Twixo licked the drum. "There! Now it's mine!"

"Nooo! Now I gotta start over! It's mine it's mine it's mine it's mine--"

"Fellas, please!" Edward gestured for the kobolds to calm down. "There's a civilized way to do this. We'll go through each item one at a time and bid on it!"

"Bid! Bid!" Zyro (with a 'y') bounced in her chair. "I like that! ...What is 'bid?'"

Zumies smirked. "No problem, we'll show you how it's done. First, get all that junk out of the way, and put any coin you've got on the table."

"Any? All coin?" Varn glared at Zumies. "I am leery..."

"C'mon, let's just see what we're working with here."

Edward put on his best smile. "A gentleman's bid! Just like we do on the surface," he lied. "Hand me that drum while you're at it."

"No!" screamed Hersho. "My drum!"

One by one, the kobolds dumped pouches of copper and silver onto the table in front on them. Zumies perked up as he heard the familiar chingling of change. "Mmm... I can hear it; One of those ain't silver."

"Okay, Hersho," said Edward. "How much you wanna give for this--"

"It mine!" Hersho threw his entire fortune at Edward. "Here! Take it all, I want it!"


"Cool, cool," said Edward, grinning. "The current bid is 3 copper! Who can pay more than that?"

"Here!" Varn blurted. "A dozen copper for a drum!" He flung his coins across the chalk buffet.

"Ha-hah!" Twixo had nine copper, plus a single silver, and pushed it all in front of Edward. "Everyone knows grey-shinies worth more! I have more than you! That means it's mine!"

"Confound it!" Varn acquiesced.

"Oh, oh!" Zyro (with a 'y') pushed her pile into Twixo's. "I want it too!"

"What are you doing?!" Twixo screamed. "You're mixing it all together!! How many did you have?!"

"I had all of it!" Zyro (with a 'y') said happily. "Look, I had a grey shiny like you, too! Do I get the drum?"

"But how many copper did you have?!" Twixo frantically counted the coins on the table on his claws. "...8, 9, 10... I can't count any higher! How do I know you had more?!"

"Umm..." Rutho sheepishly pushed her coins into the growing pile - four copper, and a platinum. "I did this. Did I do good?"

"Yes, you certainly did!" Zumies scooped all of the kobold's coins into the bag of holding - slipping the platinum up his sleeve, of course. "The drum is yours!"

"Noooo!!!" Hersho wailed at the top of his lungs.

"Good!" said Twixo. "I just didn't want you to have it! Banging on that thing all night right next to my bunk... Rutho can have it. She sleeps on the other side of room, so I don't have to hear it!"

"Cool, very good," said Edward, nodding to Zumies with a sly grin. "Very nice! Okay, on to the next item. What is that, a flute made of chalk?"

"Sounds messy," said Zumies. "Who would want--"

"It's mine!" screamed Hersho. "It's mine it's mine it's--"

"Dude, chill!" Zumies held out his hands. "You'll bid on it like last time! Now, put all your coins on the table..."

"What coins?!" Twixo yelled. "You already took all our coins!"

"Bewilderment!" exclaimed Varn. "...Betrayal!"

"Now, now, hold up!" Edward held up his lute and struck a chord, getting their attention with a song while attepting to ease their hostility:

"Gentlekobolds, your plight we see;
You've spent all your hard-earned money!
But, fret not, there's another way;
Trade with secrets and in-for-may..." Edward paused. "...shun. Information."

"Nice save," teased Zumies.

"In-for-MAY-tion!" Varn intonated. "Here is hallowed shrine for Nelare Fedíofi Fonenelare--"

"Flickersizzles the Glowing Silvers!" Twixo interrupted.

"Hush, loquacious interloper!" Varn continued. "Nelare is last known living adult dragon in Buzong Xömlox, but has been absent for long! Here is Citadel devoted for her - Nelare is Last Dragon Empress, but her location cannot be ascertained!"

"We already know that," said Zumies impatiently, keeping to himself that they know where she is... "Wait-- did you say 'adult' dragon?!"

Twixo intervened. "Written history of Buzong Xömlox goes back 212 years, that we know of. But, we believe the world - and the four most powerful dragons in it - are much older than that.

"Ah, yes," Edward recalled the names of the dragons from a memory of the musings of a lovely librarian he'd once wooed with his music:

"Obin Evekamde Anstridpalath (a.k.a. Obin "Flickergilt the Sizzling Diamond"), died 185;
Nelare Fedíofi Fonenelare (Nelare "Flickersizzles the Glowing Silvers"), MIA;
Ongong Uslotxosna Obasp Zedan (Ongon "Brandedgilt the Pearl of Fire"), died 163;
Obasp Ongonggnosmu Angot Toslu (Obasp "Goldensizzles the Taxes of Jade"), died 107."

"Yes, yes!" Zyro (with a 'y') was pleased to hear their names. "There once were more, in a time before man's recordings, but between territorial infighting amongst themselves and other mythical creatures, and then the rise of armed civilizations, eventually only four remained. Then three, then two, then one... and then, none. At least, there's been no word of Nelare, the dragon to whom the Sunken Citadel was dedicated."

"What about Calcryx?" said Zumies. "Where'd she come from?"

"No one knows!" Rutho hopped up onto the table. "Calcryx was recovered as an egg from a lucky salvage by Yusdrayl herself! In fact, that's how the Chukujrulus tribe began. When Obin Flickergilt the Sizzling Diamond was shot and killed by the human Pethit Idolplaits in Agesgloomy, it was a terrible omen for dragonkind; Not only was Obin the oldest of the dragons, but he was the last known living male."

"Oh," said Edward, uncertain how to respond. He'd seen and heard tale of too many settlements burned to smoldering wreckage by the wanton attacks of dragonkind. Even so, the implications here were dire. "So, besides Nelare and Calcryx..."

"No more dragons are known," said Hersho woefully.

Rutho went on. "Obin's lair was ransacked, and of it, only three kobolds survived: Yusdrayl, and the brothers Isnef and Ratsgu. The trio went on to become highway bandits - and deadly ones, at that. One day, they caught a careless, but powerful wizard's wagon by surprise and, in a bloody battle that cost Isnef and Ratsgu their lives, Yusdrayl overcame the wizard and stole his treasure -  a white dragon egg!"

"Really, is that how it happened?" Judging by what he knew of the villainous ex-leader, Edward had a feeling Yusdrayl's lone survival of the encounter was not an accident.

"Where there's an egg, there's a mating pair," said Zumies. "If Obin died over twenty years ago, that egg can't be his. Right?"

Edward nodded. "I was thinking the same thing... perhaps we haven't heard the last of dragonkind yet."

"It was with this egg that Yusdrayl lured other kobolds to her cause," Rutho prattled on, raising her volume as she got more into telling the story. "Eventually, the dragon hatched, and Calcryx was born! Yusdrayl succeeded in taming her right away, all by herself herself - an impressive feat that immediately garnered her the clout needed to form her own tribe. But, as managing the tribe took over her life, she no longer had time for Calcryx, and instead assigned other kobolds to watch after her. This made Calcryx very angry, and one by one, she would slay her keepers! Some say she wanted only to be cared for by Yusdrayl - but the newly queened kobold had a community to run.

"There were many 'Keepers of Dragons' before Meepo. In fact, the title was actually less of a badge of honor and more of a death sentence - even a mockery, as it eventually fell to the weakest kobolds who weren't expected to survive long on their own anyway. Meepo was lucky. Having learned the ways of a cleric, he was able to heal himself from Calcryx's wrath, and gradually she came to accept him as well - whether she respected his resilience, or simply recognized that he could heal her too, Meepo became the longest running 'Keeper of Dragons,' in spite of Yusdrayl's actual intentions."

"Sounds more like a sacrifice to me," said Edward.

"Or a snack-rifice!" Zumies, making finger-guns at the bard.

"Hey, that's a meanie thing to say!" Twixo crossed his arms, perturbed.

"Thank you-- Rutho, was it?" Edward applauded, once again to distract the kobolds from raising aggression. "That was incredibly detailed! The chalk flute is yours!"

"Aw, sweet! I got both!" Rutho put the chalk flute up to her snout, inhaled chalk dust, and sneezed, sending the flute clattering and shattering on the floor. "Ah-choo! Aw, snap! Whose idea was it to make a wind instrument out of chalk, anyway? Oh, well!"

Varn grabbed the fanciest item available - a half-eaten gopher - and demanded Edward advertise it. "Do it! Hurry!"

"Oh, come on," said Zumies. "We ain't got all day. Where's all the valuable stuff?"

"It has all been donated into Calcryx's hoard," lamented Varn. "But assuade her, it did little."

As if on cue, there was a terrible roaring, blasting, icy sound, screaming through the halls not far beyond the doorway.

"Oh, no!" Twixo hid under the table. "Not again!"

"It's mine!!" Hersho grabbed the gopher carcass and scurried into the corner. "It's mine it's mine it's mine it's mine--"

"Ack!" Varn clamored into a hullabaloo. "Everyone flee hastily!"

Another cacaphonous, chilly roar echoed through the halls, followed by screams of several kobolds. And another.

"That's our cue!" said Edward. "C'mon, Zumies - let's see what kind of trouble the others have gotten us into."

"Yeaaah," Zumies said, taking one last look at the room behind them - kobolds cowering beneath tables, chattering in corners over rotting meat, hammering away at a stone drum - and snickered. "We've caused enough of our own here. But, hey -" he shook the Bag of Holding. "At least we've emptied their pockets!"

Unscheduled hiatus over. We now return you to your regularly scheduled hiatus.

11 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Late Morning - 4 Days Until Solstice)
=============

"I can't see my hands," said Space Pants, still hard to see under the effects of the Blur spell. "Therefore, they must not really be here." Space Pants tried to pass his hands through the wall. It didn't work. Space Pants leaned into it, pressing up against the wall as if climbing it, hoping to phase himself through the wall by sheer force of will.

"Uhh..." Bubb groaned. "Look, I could go for a delicious wall-turkey like everyone else, and if we're going to stay here a while to figure this out, that's cool... But do we have a destination in mind?"

"Yeah," cheered ratNAROk, "forward! To the north!" The barbarian clashed his scimitars together.

"Alright." Bubb turned away from ratNAROk, and asked the same question to the dragonborn. "Sergei, you're the level-headed one. Are we going somewhere? And where?"

Sergei cleared his throat. "I believe we were heading back to check on Meepo's throne. Quick side-trip before we head on to the tree."

"Yes, please!" said Meepo.

"We've got four days," said Edward. "Plenty of time to head upstairs for a shake-down."

"Guys, I made it through the wall." Space Pants was just a formless glob of calico and purple pressed up against an engraving of horses. The horses were running.

"No, you're still here," said Sergei.

Space Pants looked at the fighter, though it was hard to tell where he was looking. "How'd you get here so fast?"

"With my magic dragon powers." Sergei waved his fingers mockingly. "Come, friend sorcerer," said Sergei. "It will still be here when we come back. Perhaps we'll think of something as we pass by here again later."

The party backtracked through the small storage room, and returned to the laboratory area. The door leading back to the twig blight garden was shut tight.

As they stepped over the bodies from the battles that had taken place there the day before, Space Pants raised a paw. "This was definitely the area in my dreams..." Space Pants looked around, trailing off, his eyes falling to rest on the shut door. "...Yep. Nevermind."


"Yeah?" said Alefgard. "I'll, uh, be right here, then. Safe behind this pillar while you guys open the door."

"I saw it too," said Bubb. "I saw just beyond this door in my dream. A procession of gothically-clad women carrying scythes, accompanied by a pack of skeletons, moving through the area on the other side of this door."

"Uhh..." Space Pants whirled around at the mechanical cleric. "...no?"

"Huh?" said Edward. "'Gothically-clad...' I don't remember seeing anybody like that around here."

"Do you mean the bugbears we allowed to pass?" asked Sergei. "They had scythes, and were accompanied by skeletons."

"...Dreams is dreams," said Bubb. "Right, ratNAROk?"

"I saw a whole buncha rats," replied the barbarian, nodding, "but not here."

"Cutter 3 is right above Zumies," said Space Pants, "and I know it." Then, after a pause, "Also, 'Unlimited Power Cutter' is right next to him."

"I thought I was 'Cutter 3?'" said Bubb. "You mean 'Cutter 5.'"

"Thanks for keeping count for me, Cutter 3. I knew you were useful for somethin'."

"How do you know he has ultimate power?" asked Edward.

"Because he has a bunch of '9's' over his head where his health bar should be," said the cat.

"What's the deal with this 'Cutter?'" Zeke said. "Actually, I've been meaning to ask you guys... What do you call yourselves? Like, as a group?"

"Criminals," quipped Erky.

Space Pants nodded, "There are some who might call us that, sure."

"We have, ah, not yet discussed or agreed upon branding," said Sergei.

"Nah, nah." The badger shook his head. "You guys need a catchy name! Like... what about 'Snapdragon?'"

"Sounds very jazz-handsy," replied Sergei.

"Are we gonna open this door or what?" said Meepo. "Someone's sitting on my throne!"

"Don't worry, Meepo!" ratNAROk shouted. "Here I come!" The barbarian kicked in the door...


"Hyaah!" ratNAROk charged into the room, bounding over the bodies of zombies laying dead near the door. "...Huh. Nobody's home."

Zeke studied the bodies from where he was standing: Three goblins, two kobolds, turned by whatever magic was in this room, or the soil, turning the recently deceased. "Huh... They're not getting up. I guess it's safe."

Edward looked for the way they came down. The roots that hung down from the well in the ceiling were low enough to reach that they could climb back up this way. "I'm not going first."

"Hold up, chief," said Alefgard, "I think a few of us ran up north..."


To the north was a dingy, dirty room, filled with barrels and boxes of mushrooms and half-rotten meat. Stains of blood dotted the floor, and a rack of crudely re-repaired weapons stood unhelpfully by. A nearby nest of furs and refuse indicated someone had been living here, but was not currently present. North of this chamber was a passage into a cavern, but it seemed the way had been blocked.

"...Ah," said Space Pants. "Stone Shape. Whoever went through here must've used that to bring the ceiling down behind them. Nothin' up here, now."

"That's where the procession of gothically-dressed women went," said Bubb. "With their scythes. And their skeletons."

"...You mean the bugbears, right?" said ratNAROk. "Or, are you sticking to that?"

"I said what I said," replied Bubb.

ratNAROk and Sergei looked at each other, unsure of what to make of the claim. "Let's move on, for now," said Sergei.

"Anybody wanna help me search this stuff?" said Space Pants. "Must be somethin' useful around here."

As previously guessed, the barrels contained nothing useful or even remotely appetizing - dead, poorly preserved creatures that, upon closer inspection, likely originated from the cave system just ahead, before the passage was blocked.

"This is a hunting lodge," Sergei realized. "The barrels are full of dead creatures awaiting the attention of a butcher."

"Smells like the butcher's running late," said ratNAROk.

"I think we've given them more important things to worry about," said Meepo with a wicked grin.

Bubb's lifeless eyes lit up as it saw - and smelled - the contents of the barrels. "So, you know how people would traditionally make wine? They'd put all the grapes in a barrel, and then they'd climb up and--"

"Knock yourself out, Robo-Cutter," said Space Pants. "Just do it away from us."

Meepo spotted the green sack tucked behind the barrels to the west. There were three (Rope reed bags) in a pile. The kobold searched the bags, but two were empty, and the third appeared to contain somebody's toiletries, including another of those sticks with coarse fur glued to them for rubbing on teeth. Meepo took one of the empty sacks and left the rest.

"...'Magre's Meaty Teddy Bear,'" said ratNAROk suddenly, as they left the lodge and rejoined the others in the garden.

"What?" said Edward.

"I was just thinking of a band name," said the meadowguard. "--I mean, a party name. Y'know, since Zeke asked what we call ourselves earlier."

"'The Gaslight Gospel,'" said Space Pants.

"'Country Club Panic,'" suggested Edward.

"'Bushrats,'" added Meepo.

"'Erky and the Berserkies,'" said Sergei.

"Oh, snap!!" ratNAROk hollered. "That's a good one! We could be 'The Berserkies!' I actually love that!"

"Why not 'Space Pants and the Felons?' said Erky.

Space Pants shrugged. "It's not at all outside the realm of possibility that you guys are gonna have to bust me outta prison at some point. Just givin' you all fair warning."

-------------

The party climbed 80 feet up the root-walled well, and found themselves back in the kobold throne room.


The room was in an unusual state: There were no guards around at all, only Subwo, sitting on the stone throne, his feet kicking idly as they dangled.

"Oh! Hello, Meepo!" Subwo, one of the four elite guards, waved nonchalantly at the crowned kobold.

Meepo pointed his yklwa at Subwo. "Why are you on my throne?"

"Oh, it's a long story!" Without any hesitation, Subwo hopped off of the throne and stepped aside. "Something came up from the well! It was holding a little sign that said 'Magre?' and then it went through that south door, and then there was lots of screaming, and... Oh, oh Magre..."

"He's lying," said Space Pants.

"Can I walk over and just cut his throat?" said Zumies.

"No!" ratNAROk, Alefgard, and Edward cried out in unison. "Shouldn't we hear what happened first?" the bard added, as Alefgard put his hand out to stop him.

"Not yet," said Meepo. The former Keeper of Dragons sat down upon his throne, and straightened his crown. "I have not yet been properly addressed." He glared at Subwo expectantly.

"...Uhhh, Meepo?"

"King Meepo," said the crowned kobold.

Subwo's eyes grew large, and his body very still. "...Y--yeah, yeah! King Meepo, of course!" Subwo bowed his head. "It's all yours now. Of course. No one is challenging you anymore."

"Now?" exclaimed Meepo. "Anymore??"

"Yup! Yup yup yup, that's right, it's all yours. All yours now." Subwo nodded overly enthusiastically, as if agreeing extra hard would overshadow the question Meepo was really asking.

Meepo narrowed his eyes, and recalled what he knew of Subwo. His brother, Quizno, was also one of Yusdrayl's elite guards - which meant they were Meepo's elite guards, now. He remembered seeing Quizno earlier - after they had fought the giant twig blight, it was Quizno who had come down to offer reinforcements, but Meepo had sent him back up the well and told him to hold the fort. The other two elites were Yolo and Derpe, the latter of whom Meepo had left in charge in his absence.

Before Meepo could ask of Derpe's whereabouts, Subwo seemed to break down under the apparent stress of whatever had happened recently. "But yeah, this thing, this bony thing-- it came up from the well, it walked right up to Magre and just... stabbed him! Right through the chest! Several of us tried to bring it down, but it seemed like we weren't hurting it at all. It just kept swinging, and killing... until finally, I guess it got tired of killing of poofed away!"

"Poofed?"

"Yup! 'Poof,' into a spire of red flames."

"Have the bodies been moved?"

"No - well, a couple, haha. It's a real mess in there. You can see for yourself, right on the other side of that south door."

Meepo stared at Subwo, particularly how he could not seem to stand still. Though the guard might have been telling the truth, it clearly was not the whole truth.

"Hang on, I'd like to give him something," said Zumies.

"Is it a dagger to the throat?" said Edward.

"No. Watch this."

In his dream, the half-elf had seen an image of the jade-carved, copper-wrapped dragon necklace that he'd been wearing - the one that was supposedly cursed, such that if the wearer told a lie, the truth would be broadcast telepathically to all within 50 feet. He took it off and began to place it over Subwo's neck.

"That's attuned to you, though," the bard started to say. "Does it... work like that?"

"We're about to find out," said the rogue, as he let the cord fall around the kobold's neck.

"Interesting..."

"Huh?? Who said that?!" Zumies whirled around.

"Said what?" Edward looked confused.

Zumies blinked. Then, slowly, he tapped a finger to his head twice. "...Ah. It's in here, then. Interesting..."

"Oooh, nice!" Subwo turned over the jade carving in his claws. "This is nice! Very nice! Thank you! So nice!"

"Tell me again what happened?" Meepo commanded.

Subwo huffed. "Fine. This thing - oh, it was a skeleton! - It came up from the well, and then it... And then it went through the door, and--"

IT DIDN'T JUST GO THROUGH THE DOOR. SUBWO WAS SITTING ON THE THRONE AND TOLD IT WHERE TO GO.

All present suddenly heard a sharp, low, monotone voice in their minds, receiving the same message. The room went silent, as everyone stared at Subwo for an explanation.

"Eh-heh heh... what was that?" Subwo tried his best to shrink away into the floor.

10 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Late Afternoon)
=============

Inside Zeke's sett, the fire was still burning in the hearth, and the deceased goblin bodies were still lying where they were slain. "Sorry, haven't had time to totally clean up the place yet. I got the blood up, at least, but, y'know, maybe a couple of gob' bodies lying around will dissuade them from robbing me again. Make yourselves at home, and let's deal!"


"What'll you give us for eight eggs?" asked Edward, charmingly.

"It's a good haul," said Zeke. "I'll give you four hundred gold in credit for 'em."

"Four hundred, is that all?" the bard pressed. "These beasts were much more difficult than we expected, and you could have told us a little more about them first. We almost lost an ally to one, after all."


"And I saved him, didn't I?" said Zeke, squaring his shoulders for a Commanding Presence. "I told you, I charge for mercenary services, too. There was some give-and-take on that one, since I helped out. I think I'm already being pretty generous, considering."

"Alright, alright," said Edward, backing down. "Fair's fair."

Space Pants stared at Zeke from afar, remaining Subtle. Zeke's ear twitched.


The badger blinked twice. Then, he looked at Zumies. "You alright? You took a pretty bad tumble out there, that much is true."

"Yeah, I'm alright," said Zumies. "I'm not happy they got the drop on me like that, but, well... s'pose it was about time I had a taste of my own medicine. Now I know what it feels like when I take a monster's life by surprise."

ratNAROk eyed the rogue warily. "Uhh, is that a good thing? Sounds kinda raw."

"It's given me a much needed change in perspective and appreciation in the art of the silent take-down."

"Sooo... Good? Bad?"

"It was cool!"

"Ach. I should've known."

Zeke nodded to himself, scratching his ear. "Still, that was a pretty close call, and you were doing it for me. I suppose I could... oh, what am I doing, I'm really going to regret this... ah, staki ni'kash. I do like you guys, so... We'll say eight hundred."

Edward was beaming. "Really? You'll do eight?! That would be great!"

"We like you too," said Meepo.

"Yeah... yeah, wow, why am I doing this... yeah, okay, eight hundred it is. Let's see what happens."

The cat flashed a coy, victorious smile, then decided to double down on the party's successful negotiation. "I have a Suggestion: You should come with us. Join our group."

"You can make a portal anywhere to get to your shop, right?" said ratNAROk, in a completely different accent than he was using earlier.

"Oh, yeah! Totally."

"You should give one to us. That way, we can get to you, and you can get to us. Yeah?"

"What, a teleporter?? Oh, no no no no! I absolutely cannot do that. I told you, this technology isn't supposed to exist on this world. I can't just give it away! Besides, it doesn't fully work anyway - without knowing where in the galaxy I am, I can't set starting coordinates to get out of here with this."

"What would we have to do to get you to give us one? We could start an investment?"

"An investment?" The badger looked tired.

"Yeah. We'll put eight hundred gold towards it now, and pay you the rest later."

"Whoa, hold it!" Meepo threw his little kobold hands up. "Why you spending all our hard earned gold all at once?"

"Did we all agree to this?" said Edward.

"Just hold on there, rat," said the cat. "We also got a button, twenty-three silver, and eleven copper. Every little bit towards our downpayment chips away at the interest in the long run, you gotta use your head."

Zeke looked at Space Pants. "...A button?"

"Some guy gave it to us," said the felis sorcerer, laughing to himself. "Bunch of guys gave it to us, actually. They said we were awesome."

"That's perfect," ratNAROk laughed. "I mean-- yes, that's exactly what happened."

Space Pants looked around the tables of Zeke's wares to see if there was anything that would raise his defensive capability. He happened upon a Ring of Protection, which he may or may not have noticed before - but the cat was clever, and knew better than to ask directly for the thing he wanted. "Do you have anything that'll cure a fear of snakes? I'm asking for Cutter, of course."

Zeke, who had eyes and could see clearly what item the cat was looking at, had a pretty good idea he might have what Space Pants was looking for. "Actually, yeah. If you want to feel tougher against snakes - or anything - then nothing beats a Ring of Protection."

"Wow, do you have any?"

"...Yes, right--"

"Wow, cool, thank you!"

"Those are pretty darn rare, though, I'm afraid. That'll cost you five thousand gold."

"Five thousand gold?" Space Pants spat. "What am I, made of money? Give it to me for free."

"Ahh, no."

"You mentioned a twenty-percent discount the last time we met," said Space Pants. "Are we still good for that?"

"I did?" said Zeke. "That feels like weeks ago."

"How much have you drank between this morning and now, because that's when we talked to you," the cat said.

"None," said the badger. "If I did say that, I'm not sure what I'd said it in reference to. If you haven't noticed, I've been very loose with my prices as we go, depending on how things are vibing at the time."

"Is that so," Space Pants grumbled, recalculating his approach.

Zeke reconsidered. "How about three thousand?"

"I don't have that," Space Pants said flatly.

"Do you have an ōdachi?" asked ratNAROk. "Anything big would be nice."

"Ah, well, I haven't had time to look for new stock since we last spoke. However... Hang on, I do have something kind of whacky in the back you might like. Wait here."

Zeke moved towards the door to the east. ratNAROk followed him. The badger turned around, bothered. "Ah, sorry, no access beyond this point. I have stuff back here you guys shouldn't see. Please, step back."

"Aw, but we're pals, aren't we? You can trust me."

"Still working on that, bud. Please step back." The rodent barbarian stepped sideways, but not away. "No, back. Please. No-- you're bumping into me now, that's obviously too close."

"What's in the secret room behind the velvet curtains back there?" teased Edward.

"I told you, it's all the cool stuff I'm not allowed to show you. Now please, give me some space, my dude! I'll be back in, like, sixty seconds."

"Ugghhh. Fine." ratNAROk stomped his feet as he begrudgingly stepped away from the door. Unnoticed by all, Bubb snuck a single fly into the door as Zeke slipped in to take a peek for himself.

"He's taking too long!" said ratNAROk after ten seconds. "Where is he? I'm about to rage!!"

"Friend ratNAROk," said Sergei, "please be patient. Come, take chair. You are very small, your blood pressure can very quickly... please, have a seat."

The mouse barbarian clenched his fists, and a vein bulged out of the side of his neck. "I don't like waiting. I want my ōdachi."

"Geez, calm down, buddy." Space Pants cast Calm Emotions. "You gotta learn to chill out while we're bartering. You stress him out, he's gonna raise his prices!"

ratNAROk paused, then looked around. From somewhere in the room, a tinny song could be heard playing on a loop. "Where... is this music... coming from?!"

"I legit took a spell slot to cast Calm Emotions on you," reminded Space Pants.

"Ahhh," said ratNAROk, choosing to relax and stare at the ceiling. With dreamy eyes, the barbarian looked wistfully at Sergei and whispered, "I'm still angry."

"It's fine," said the dragonborn fighter. "Sit in chair. Breathe. Exhale the bad air, inhale the good air."

ratNAROk took a deep, deep breath. "I have... so many weapons on me right now."

"I know," said Sergei. "It's kind of hilarious."


Behind the door, Bubb's fly immediately spotted something new. Along the left wall was a string of colored lights hanging from a wire, wrapped around a peg on the wall and looping back around the corner. The lights clearly weren't natural, didn't appear to be magical, and even though it was most likely man-made, it didn't look like any modern home lighting solution Bubb had ever seen. The hallway continued a short distance to the west, revealing three doors on the north wall, and one iron door down at the very end. There was another door to the south, near the one they had entered from the common area. The lights-on-a-wire appeared to be plugged into a socket in the wall, but it was difficult to tell what exactly was going on with it.

As Zeke opened the first door on the north wall, Bubb spotted a metalsmith's forge and a woodfurnace, built of black bronze but propped up with what appeared to be prefabricated poles and panels. In the back of the room was a small, empty cubby with bits of bark on the floor, probably a place where logs were usually kept but currently held none. Zeke searched through the +Armor Bin (Willow)+, then the ≡Birchen bin≡ next to it before finding what he was looking for.

Meanwhile, out in the common area, Space Pants was rummaging through boxes left unattended that Zeke would soon have to learn not to leave unattended. "I am in like... a dark tube, or something," the cat said, his legs sticking out of the box his head was buried inside of. "Is anybody else in this really dark tube?"

"Come out of the tube," said Sergei. "You don't know where any of that has been."

Space Pants pulled his head out of the box with a plastic veterinarian's cone around his neck. "I have no idea what this is made out of. Do you think this will protect me in a fight?"

"I think it will cause enemy to stop and stare, of that much I'm sure," said Sergei. "Now come, quit fooling around before you vaporize yourself or something."

At last, Zeke returned to the common area, carrying a giant tool in both hands.

"Whatchu got? Whatchu got?" ratNAROk hopped back and forth on his feet like an excited pooch ready for a treat.

The tool in Zeke's hands was enormous - it was, in essence, a four-foot long pipe wrench, with a head as heavy as a maul and a crescent-shaped notch on its end.

"Yep, yep, yep," said ratNAROk, bouncing visibly. "How much? How much?"

Zeke put a hand out to calm ratNAROk down. "Slow down, let me explain what it does! This is something I call, 'The Nutcracker.'"

Meepo burst out laughing. "The what?!"

"Now, I know you wanted a sword, and this is pretty much the opposite. But it is big, like you asked!"

"Yeah, yeah, it's big, I like it," said ratNAROk. "How much?"

"This industrial tool is meant for a machine that you'll never see on this world. It's designed for loosening and tightening high-torque lug nuts. You don't know what those are, but long story short..." The badger turned the wrench over, showing a switch on the handle. "Push this up or down, and the notch will quarter-turn whatever's inside with enough pneumatic force to easily break a weapon, or snap a limb, or whatever else you can imagine needs a good twist."

Alefgard inspected the device with awe. "How does it... this is not magic, this is something else. Your sword, too - it's not only not-of-this-world, it's completely incomprehensible to me how such a thing functions. What do you call this?"

Zeke struggled for an explanation. "Okay, so you know how you have 'magic' weapons, right? I think instead, you would want to call these 'tech' weapons."

"'Tech' weapons?" The wizard's curiosity was piqued. "What is this 'tech?'"

"Weapons powered by battery and programmed by circuitry to produce manufactured advantages. Much like one would say a magic weapon is +1 or +2 M, a tech weapon would be described as +1 or +2 T, with the same bonus to attack and damage."

"Does it have the same ability to bypass damage reduction, like magic weapons?" asked Meepo.

"No, but it has other properties that I haven't fully discovered yet. The fey definitely don't like it, pretty much all fey are extra vulnerable to these kinds of weapons."

"You said it was powered by, wot," said ratNAROk, "a 'battery?' What's that?"

"A battery holds the juice that powers the weapon. Sometimes, it's solar charging, hand-cranked, or shaken; Sometimes, you plug it in and let it charge for a few hours; Sometimes, it's replaceable, and you throw it out and pop in a new one. There are many different kinds, but they all perform the same function: The battery stores a charge that is eventually delivered to the weapon when needed to perform its function."

"Oh, so like a wand with charges in it," said Alefgard. "How many charges can fit in it?"

"If I had to wager, I'd estimate you could get about twenty turns with this bad boy on a charge. Then you'd need to plug it in for eight hours, which... you can't do, since there's nothing for you to plug it into on your world."

"Don't you?" asked Bubb, pointedly. "You have something to 'plug it into,' don't you?"

"I do," replied the badger, nervously. "Of course, I would let you charge it here."

"So, how much is it?" said ratNAROk, impatiently.

Zeke opened his mouth to reply--

"Nevermind, I play it cool now," ratNAROk cut in. "I don't want it anymore."

"You don't want it anymore?"

"Yeah, I do. But I don't. You feel me?"

"Yeah... yeah, no, I don't. It'll be at least four thousand for this one."

"Mm-mmm," ratNAROk shook his head. "Go down."

"You're never gonna see another of these," Zeke held firm. "They're not of this world."

"Cool, cool. There's a whole bunch of other worlds. Go down."

Meepo tapped ratNAROk on the shoulder, casting Guidance to assist in his attempts at Persuasion. "Keep going! You got him on the ropes!"

ratNAROk prepared to give his closing argument, but stopped short as he saw Zeke staring him down - not aggressively, but arrestingly with his Commanding Presence.


"Aw, man, I can't even beat that with Guidance!" wailed ratNAROk.

"You can't even beat that with a twenty," said Meepo.

"Yep, I tried that earlier," said Edward. "He is one tough nut to crack."

"I can't even help you at four grand," said Space Pants. "That's so far out of the ball park..."

"Alright, alright," said ratNAROk. "How about this... Do you do financing?"

Zumies laughed out loud. Zeke, with thinly veiled annoyance, said, "Go on."

"The barbarian wants to propose financing?" Edward clapped his hands. "The comedy just writes itself! I don't even have to do any work."

Meepo said, "He's about to go from pretending he didn't want it, to selling his soul for it."

"Oh! Will you take my soul? I don't need that. Is that on the table?"

Zeke looked uncomfortable. "Ahh... sorry, I don't have any need for souls right now. Kind of a rough market to get into."

"Ahh, nuts."

Zeke paused. "...Then again, hypothetically, if you did have a device that captured someone's soul and then sold it to me, then I'd have a valuable item I could probably sell at a high price to the right buyer. If you had something like that, then we'd have something to talk about."

"Ah, what you're talking about is called a 'phylactery,'" said ratNAROk. "Very hard to come by."

"Indeed."

ratNAROk felt his own coin pouch, and almost laughed at himself for thinking there might be anywhere near four thousand gold inside. "A moment, let me talk to my crew."

"Yep," said Zeke. "Take your time."

The barbarian turned to his companions. "Alright, what are we doing with the eight hundred from the fire snake eggs? We splitting it?"

"Pushy barbarian," said Edward. "I haven't even taken a good look at his wares myself, and you're trying to spend all our money on yourself!"

"But think about it, fellas! One big, powerful weapon for the big, powerful fighter means the whole group benefits from me tanking more baddies!"

"I'm the fighter," said Sergei. "You are one of two-and-a-half barbarians."

"Is it two half-barbarians? Erky's a cleric/barbarian, right?"

"Well, first off, Zeke is no true barbarian," said Sergei, resting an elbow on his Shield of the Sentinel. Emblazoned with an eye on its front, it has been the source of his Advantage on Initiative and Perception since the beginning. "His battle rage seems to be a blessing from his badger heritage, and one he has clearly taken full advantage of in his style. But it comes from his species, not his class.  Erky, on the other hand, has indeed embraced the path of the barbarian... in a very special way."

"I don't understand," said Edward. "What do you mean, 'class?'"

"So far, all of us have specialized in a single school of martial or magical practice - a 'class,' if you will. However, it is possible to walk two or more paths at once, dabbling in the arts of other 'classes.' This is called 'multi-classing.'"

"You're losing me," said the bard. "We're talking real life, not some dragon-game, right?"

The dragonborn snorted puffs of flames from his nostrils. "Just... bear with me here, please, while I partake of the wisdom of my dragon people. Normally, taking on a new class is an additive feature. Let's say tomorrow, you found yourself a patron and decided to become a warlock. You'd be a 4 Bard / 1 Warlock, effectively."

"Again, with the numbers - quit gamifying my life!"

"These are ancient battlefield tactics of dragonkind!" said Sergei, exasperated. "An abstraction. Think of it as an analogy. You are good with stories, you know what an analogy is, right?"

"Yes, and what you're describing is more like a metaphor."

"...You just used an analogy, not a metaphor!"

"Yes! You were supposed to laugh at the joke, not explain it!"

"I hope I am not wasting my time explaining this to you..." The dragonborn went on. "Anyway, you get my point - the new skills you gain are added in addition to those you already have. You neither gain more experience as a bard, nor gain all the experience of a fifth-level warlock."

"Okay, in this... extremely hypothetical scenario you've come up with, that all makes perfect sense. So Erky is, what... 3 Cleric / 1 Barbarian, in this war game of yours?"

"No. A barbarian as recent as he is should not already possess the ability to command the spirits of goblins as he has already, not while also wielding magic as a cleric of the same strength. He and Zeke have unlocked something different. Something more powerful that we've seen only in individuals who have survived unimaginable duress."

"Who, Erky?" said Space Pants who, while a moment prior had something witty to say, changed his tune as he noticed the gnome speaking to the badger in private while the rest of them were huddled together. "Oh, he has no idea..."

"I've seen it in the badger's eyes, too," said Sergei. "Last evening, as he sat by the fire. He's known many people in his past, none of whom are here. He's an alien, alone and stranded on a world far behind his own technologically. By his account, this is not the first time this has happened."

"So, what does that mean? In 'game terms?'"

"It means that, rather than multi-classing by normal means, their overcoming of a great inner-turmoil has unlocked for them a power that we call the 'Gestalt multi-class.' Instead of adding new abilities to their existing repertoire, in a moment of great personal strife one might suddenly unlock all the features of another class, and gain the best of both."

"Soo, that means..."

"That means Erky is a cleric that gains a barbarian's vigor, a cleric's skills, and all the abilities of rage and spellcasting each has to offer. He's not a 3 Cleric / 1 Barbarian; He's a 4 (Cleric/Barbarian), with all the best features of both at each level."

"...That's cheating," said Edward. "I mean-- if we were playing a game, that is."

"Well, call it what you will, it is reality. And Zeke, our badger friend there... I watch him fight. He is Gestalt too. (Fighter/Rogue), at least a 10."

"Wait a minute," said the bard. "A 3 Cleric/1 Barbarian would still be considered a '4,' right? It evens out. But not with these Gestalts. A 4 (Cleric/Barbarian) is stronger than a '4,' right?"

"That is correct - it is not doubled, he would not be as strong as an '8.' Maybe a '5,' possibly even a '6' or so, it is difficult to gauge. But a '10,' like Zeke? Who knows? They get exponentially stronger the higher they go."

"So that means we'd better keep the dirt merchant on our good side," said Space Pants. "For now."

"It also means you've created a monster in Erky," said Sergei, "and maybe you should find a way onto his good side before he grows too powerful for you to stop."

Edward and Space Pants both laughed in Sergei's face. "Hoo, boy!" said the cat. "You really had me goin' there, scalemaster. Can you even imagine, like, a Super Erky just going full scorched-Buzong on all of us? Wouldn't that be amazing?"

"I've been nice to him," said Meepo. "So, at least he'll probably kill me last."

"Hey, are we still trading?" Zeke waved over to the huddled group of adventurers.

"Oh, shoot! We forgot to talk about prices!" said ratNAROk. The barbarian hefted his silvered, masterwork greataxe, as the party lifted their heads from their huddle. "Aye, yes... How much would you be willing to accept for this as trade?"

"Ooh! Masterwork, silvered..." The badger nodded with appreciation. "Not magical, though. Hm, I gotta do some calculation here... It's still a long ways off from four thousand."

Bubb raised a metallic arm, pointed at Zeke, and cast Command: "Discount."

Zeke's mouth hung open for a moment. "Two thousand." Then, six seconds later, the spell wore off. The badger shook his head and snarled. "Hey, are you casting spells on me?! Not cool!"

Just as it seemed a fight was about to break out, Bubb, Sergei, and Zeke suddenly settled down and relaxed, deciding all at once to be totally chill with one another. "Eh," said Zeke, "you know what? Forget it. Let's just move on."

"Yes," said Space Pants, a Subtle gleam in his eye. "Of course. Let us resume these negotiations with Calm Emotions."

"So back to my question," said ratNAROk. "Financing?"

"Ah, right. Um, what do you propose?"

"What's your rate?"

Zeke was starting to get annoyed. "The real question is, when am I going to see you guys again? It's not exactly easy to stay in contact in a world like this, so how do I know you'll ever get around to keeping up your payments?"

"Well, you would if you gave us a way to get back here, now wouldn't ye?" The barbarian pointed again at the teleporter on Zeke's belt. "Like one o' those?"

"Your proposal is that I give to you, for free, a priceless device that should not even exist on this world, so you can pay off a loan for another device that shouldn't exist on this world. That you're probably going to use to clobber people with."

"No, see, that's where you're wrong! I am going to clobber people with it, as a certainty!"

"Give him 10% down and 4% on the big," said Space Pants. "Every day he doesn't see ya... Bigger."

"I'll give you 177 gold for that Nutcracker right now, what do you say?"

"...Uhm--"

"Plus, the axe."

"...So--"

"Plus, this platinum flute!"

Zeke waited to be sure the meadowguard was finished. "You might not like this, but the only way I could possibly consider a 'financing' option would be, as you say, if we had a way to get back in contact with one another, and that means first I'm going to have to sell you something that's pretty rare."

"Yes, with a teleporter!"

"No, with this!" Zeke turned around and rummaged through the box Space Pants was digging in earlier. He eventually pulled out a device that looked just like the one on his belt that was playing music during battle. "Alright, check this out. This is what we call a cell phone. Normally, these function with these big towers that you're never going to see on your world, but this particular model has a short-range function that lets it connect directly to your contacts so long as they're within a hundred miles!"

"What's a 'mile?'" said Edward.

"Oh, ah... shoot, what's your unit of measurement here? 'Urists?'"

"A hundred urists isn't very far," said Alefgard. "I could speak briskly at that distance and you'd hear me."

"Alright, well, whatever it is, it's a lot farther than that. Point is, I have one of these myself, so if I sell you this one, we'll be able to call each other up any time and arrange a meeting for your next payment. But I do need you to purchase this phone first - and I'm sorry, it feels smarmy for me to make you buy something else in advance, but that's the only way I could consider a financing option like you're proposing. Best I can do is be up front with you on that."

"Will you do financing on the phone?"

"...No, I can't do financing on the phone. Too easy for me to never see you again with that, not to mention it's too deep an investment for me."

"Aw, nuts. How much is it then?"

Zeke thought about it as he turned the phone over in his digging claws. "I would let this go... considering it's to do further business with you in the future... for five hundred gold."

"How many more phones do you have?" asked Space Pants. "In case we all want to call each other?"

"Just what I need," said Zumies. "Space Pants calling me in the middle of the night because he has a question."

"Is there a family plan?" asked Alefgard.

"Yes, sell us the family plan," added Space Pants.

"I had a friend back when I was a kid, named 'Spam,'" Zumies went on. "He used to bother me twenty-seven times a day. I beg of you, do not sell this man a phone."

"Guys, huddle!" ratNAROk called everyone together again. "This one's easy! We'll just sell his data and make our money back right quick!"

"What are you all talking about?!" cried Edward. "How do you guys already know how this thing works?"

"I only have two more for sale," Zeke blurted out, "besides my own. So there are four total cell phones in this entire world, and I currently own them all."

"...Family discount?" said ratNAROk.

"That's a really bad deal for me, unfortunately. I'd like to spread my contacts wider than this one circle right here - to do that, I'd rather sell those phones to other people."

"I thought you said you were trying to keep this tech on the down-low," accused Alefgard. "Not spread it wider."

"W-- well... you never know! The right contacts lead to the right business, and you gotta learn to take risks."

"Well what is a good deal for you, huh Zeke?" Alefgard stood up from his chair, frustration unbidden.

Zeke took a breath. "That's what I'm trying to find. If you can't do four thousand on the Nutcracker, then I'm willing to do financing - provided we have a means of contacting each other. For that, I'm proposing the sale of this unique, one-of-a-kind communications device - it does other stuff too, I'll show you, it even has games - for a one-time fee of five hundred. I'd only like to sell you this one, if you want the other two they are full price. Once that is settled, then we can talk about financing your Nutcracker, and anything else here you find interesting but may be lacking the immediate funds for. Make sense?"

"This is exactly what I wanted to do with my night after work," grumbled Edward. "Accounting."

"It's only 3:30!" said Zeke, checking the phone in his hand.

"What does that mean?!" yelled the bard.

"I-- it means... Don't worry about it, it's not that late!"

"Wait a minute," said Space Pants, his eyes lighting up with realization. "I could call Zeke at any time, about anything I want, and he has to pick it up?"

"Uhh, I don't have to--"

"Guys," Space Pants said proudly, "You're all about to witness the invention of prank calling on Buzong Xömlox, the World of Typhoons!"

"And, now I'm definitely not going to."

"Look, all we need to do is bring this phone to an artificer, and we can get like six more, alright?" ratNAROk said sagely. "We just need one as a template."

"That's precisely what I don't want to see you do with it," said Zeke.

"Boy, you count as well as Space Pants," said Meepo to ratNAROk.

"Noo, noo, that was spoken out-of-game," said ratNAROk.

"We're done with dragon games!" Edward was losing his mind. "We're not playing dragon games! Enough talking about games now, thank you!"

ratNAROk planted a chair firmly in the dirt and stood on top of it. "People! What I'm trying to say is, we can call this merchant up at any time! If we need to buy something, or if we need too much stuff we gotta sell, we can have all that on speed-dial! I think this is worth pooling our resources for, you dig?"

"Yeah, and he could come save us in a scrape," said Edward.

Zeke nodded. "If I'm in the area, I'll get to you as quick as I can to lend you a hand."

"Or, we could call him, and pretend like we're someone else," said Space Pants, still workshopping his 'prank call' scheme.

"I will remind you there are exactly four phones in this entire world," said Zeke. "I think I'll be able to narrow it down."

"Make sure to call him to tell him his warranty is expired," said Zumies.

"You can use Meepo's share of the eight hundred from the eggs," said the kobold.

"Alright! Anybody else want to pitch in? Anyone?" Silence. "Come on," said the barbarian, "think about it! Phone? Merchant?" He gestured around to the wide dirt chamber around them. "Portable resting place? In the middle of a dungeon, we could have this place right here to stay, anywhere we want. What do you say?"

"Trade him the bag of holding," said Space Pants.

"No, we really need that," said Sergei.

"We've got the platinum flute!" said ratNAROk. "And my axe!"

"I'll give you 120 for the axe," Zeke said, getting tired of this nonsense.

"Okay! So that's three-hundred ninety and... hey, wait a minute! 120 is a terrible amount for this axe!"

"Not by my figure," the badger shrugged. "I've gotta make a profit somehow."

"Zeke is every miserly jerk I've ever dealt with in this realm," Alefgard muttered under his breath to Edward. "His stuff is so good, our stuff is garbage... He's basically James's Stop."

"Next he'll be asking us to preorder it," said the bard.

"Ach, if you're gonna go low on my axe, then I'm goin' low on your phone! I won't buy it for more than 300!"


"No."

"Yes," ratNAROk pressed, with Inspiration.


Zeke sucked in his breath, puffing out his chest as he did so. "Hmmm..."


"No."

"Man, you are impossible to beat."

Zeke was feeling a little winded. This had gone on long enough, and he hadn't moved any product yet. Though he may have been successful at holding his ground, Zeke had learned through experience that to truly be successful as a merchant, he had to know when to give in even when he thought he was winning in order to close a deal.

"...435."

"Sold," said ratNAROk.

"Cool. So, that platinum flute..." The badger looked it over. "Base quality, huh... still, that's easily a hundred gold, since it's platinum."

"Yep. Sold. Easy."

The badger and the mouse exchange gold and goods, and moments later, ratNAROk was holding a brand new, slightly-used cell phone.

"This is cool! I can't wait to see what it does!"

The barbarian flipped open the phone. There was a glowing screen inside displaying text in a language the mouse had hopelessly never seen before in his life.

"Uh... How do I... what do these buttons do..."

"Alright, lemme walk you through this. This button here--"

"Nuh uh. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. I don't want to know. Don't tell me."

"But-- at least let me show you how to call me!"

"No, no." ratNAROk held the phone out at arm's length like it needed its diaper changed. "I'm not smart enough for this. Someone else touch it."

"Give it to Alefgard," suggested Edward. "Or Space Pants, he's smart."

"Give the phone to Cutter," said Space Pants. The skeleton merely stared incomprehendingly at the device.

"Please, give the phone to Space Pants," said Meepo. "For all of us."

The bard said, "Wait, I take it back--"

"Here you go," said Zeke, handing the phone to Space Pants.

"Awesome." The meddling cat sorcerer stared at the fancy, futuristic device from another world. "Does this thing get long distance?"

"Again, how do you know how a phone works?!" said Edward.

"I don't," said Space Pants. "I mean, 'meow.'"

"Okay, so to call me, you gotta--"

"Show him," said Space Pants, pointing at Alefgard, "then he can tell me."

"...Fine," said the badger. Zeke did his best to walk Alefgard through the sequence of menus to find and call Zeke, but after three attempts, the wizard still wasn't getting it. Between the foreign language on the device, some unspoken standards on user interface that he did not grasp, and generally failing to comprehend how such a small device can do so much, the wizard's mind was fully blown.

"Don't worry," said Zeke, "I know it's a lot. Actually, I have a few scrolls over there that might be useful to you in bridging the gap between magic and technology."

"Not yet," said Alefgard. "This is a lot. One thing at a time."

Edward nudged Alefgard and said, "Don't forget to ask about the data plan!"

"How do you know how it works?!" said Alefgard, calling Edward out.

"What I want to know," said Meepo, "is why are there are so many buttons on this phone, when there are only three other phones to call?"

"'Hello?'" said Alefgard. "Oh, sorry, wrong number, I meant to call '3,' who's this?"

"Zeke, I have a proposition," said Space Pants. "What are you doin' here, exactly? What's your thing?"

"Well, like I said before, I go around to ruins, dungeons, things like that, I find magic items, and I sell 'em."

"And then I mark them up eight million percent," sneered Alefgard.

"Well that's pretty much what we're doin'," said Space Pants. "You should just come with us. Only, we do some other stuff, too. Like Erky, here. He wears the skin of goblins."

"Sure, so many goblins," said Erky, rolling his eyes.

"Don't listen to him. Ignore him, and you can just come with us, share the gold, be a part of the party... Erky can be your personal assistant."

The badger turned to the gnome. Erky looked at Space Pants, then at Zeke, and nodded. "Sure. We'll work out the deets later."

Zeke considered that, actually smiling for the first time in a while. "Y'know, I don't think I'm going to be making any more money off these goblins. I can't promise I'll stick with you long-term, but I can fight with you up to the tree. Eventually, I do need to break off and go find more stock to sell you guys, after all!"

"Hang on, hang on," said Space Pants. "There will be plenty of people to sell your goods to along the way. Plenty of 'em."

"Aren't we just going to kill them all?" said Bubb, in complete seriousness.

"Yes," said Space Pants, "but he can still sell them weapons first."

"To fight you with when you go to kill them? That sounds counterproductive," said Zeke.

Meepo replied, "But see, when we kill them and take their weapons back, we sell their weapons back to you, so you can sell them to somebody else for us to kill. It's an enterprise."

"No, listen." said Space Pants. "It's way simpler than that. You could come with us and sell your weapons, and we'll do whatever we want - we just travel alongside each other for protection. We'll help you acquire magic items to sell, and maybe from time to time you let us borrow them - because hey, the better we are at killin' stuff for you, the better loot we'll be able to find for you. How's that sound? Everybody wins."

"I will ask this in return," said Zeke. "Remember earlier, when I said I was looking for warriors to help take down my brothers and save my world from their corruption?"

"Oh, yeah, we'll kill them, no problem," said Space Pants. "We've killed at least four people since we got here, we've got it covered. Look at Sergei, he's a dragon. That guy eats people."

"You keep spreading this falsehood," said Sergei. "Soon, it is going to stick."

"No killing," said Zeke. "My blood is my blood. I won't be responsible for any of my brothers' deaths. Yes, they need to be stopped at all costs... but I must stop you from killing them if I'm able."

"Hold up, what are you dragging us into, cat?" said Edward. "You saw how powerful Zeke was! Zeke, how many brothers did you say you had?"

"Seven, not counting myself," said Zeke. "One of them isn't a threat... I think."

"Seven?" said Edward. "If they're anywhere near as strong as you are, we are in deep."

"Are families usually that large on your world?" asked Alefgard.

"No, but... my father really wanted to spread his name around. He got what he wanted, I guess."

Meepo, already curled up for a nap in the corner, said, "Huh? Oh, sure, yeah, I'll go."

"You see that?" Space Pants pointed at Meepo. "You're lookin' at the king of the kobolds right here. See his crown?"

"Really?" Zeke cocked his head. "That's not what the kobolds upstairs told me."

"Uh oh," said Edward.

"Yeah, uh, which one was it... they've got so many weird names..." The badger cringed as he noticed Meepo. "I mean-- not weird, but I mean like-- ack, sorry, I didn't mean it like--"

Meepo sat up straight on the floor. "Who told you they were king?"

"Uh, what was his name... Magre? Yeah, Magre. That was it."

Space Pants turned to Meepo. "That don't sound like the name of the kobold you left in charge, is it?"

"It is not."

"Oh, that's not good for Magre."

"Magre." Meepo knew it, from the moment he'd dropped down that well he knew it would be Magre who would betray him. The head of Meepo's clan had always looked down on him. He was never going to submit to Meepo's rule. "Thank you, Zeke. I agree, Space Pants. We should go have a word with...Magre."

"Cutter," said Space Pants, "Here's what's gonna happen. Zeke's gonna tell you how to get upstairs. Once you get there, you're going to ask each kobold, 'Name?' and if they say 'Magre,' you stab them. You got it?"

"Uh, can that thing talk?" said Zeke.

"We'll give him a sign. Trust me, this is gonna work."

"Give him a little knapsack so Magre thinks we're sending him a gift," said Meepo.

"Ooh, great idea!" said Edward. "Then he could flip the sign around and it says, 'Meepo sends his regards.'"

"And then come back with Magre's eyeball in this pouch," said Space Pants, handing Cutter a leather pouch.

As soon as Zeke finished explaining where to go, Cutter left to go carry out his task. "Hah, yeah... great. I hope I'm not about to regret this."