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Creative Projects / Re: Midnight Sea: Strife tries to become a better writer.
« on: June 18, 2010, 01:29:47 pm »
Uh... what is it about exactly?
You know, I as a reader could hardly be involved less seeing as this "story" really seems to be a fragment of something bigger promising an intrigue, action, conspiracy theories... And instead it just stops at that. It could work on a larger canvas, but I unfortunately haven't seen it. As it is I can offer a couple of criticisms (however, you following them won't make the story a Pulitzer winner).
First, it seems to be a recurring thing in your stories where you start with some abstract observation from the main character, without really introducing him. I think it starts the reader off in some confusion to the identity of the person into whose head s/he is looking. You know, people do it, but usually when they write in first person. It probably works because the reader is involved in a dialogue and expects everything explained to him in due time because, well, s/he expects her/himself to be talking to a sane person... And even in that case, the amount of information you shove on the reader in the first paragraph is just unfair, and I can't think of any reason for you to do so. The least you could do would be to try and ground the reader first in the physical surroundings of the character musing.
Second, you seem to rush the dialogue too much. So that Strife appears to be an individual with serious psychological problems. Even if Marshall et al. guy is quite intrusive it doesn't seem to be a reason to jump up and start beating the crap out of him. The same for the dialogue. He's too angry too quickly. It could really bear some prelude, Strife to be more professional and subtle, the guy, too.
In short, if you could space and rhythm you dialogue and character to character interactions a bit, it would be much more enjoyable.
Anyway, what's SCP?
Also, you haven't proofread it in one place, and I won't stand for that.
Ah, also
You know, I as a reader could hardly be involved less seeing as this "story" really seems to be a fragment of something bigger promising an intrigue, action, conspiracy theories... And instead it just stops at that. It could work on a larger canvas, but I unfortunately haven't seen it. As it is I can offer a couple of criticisms (however, you following them won't make the story a Pulitzer winner).
First, it seems to be a recurring thing in your stories where you start with some abstract observation from the main character, without really introducing him. I think it starts the reader off in some confusion to the identity of the person into whose head s/he is looking. You know, people do it, but usually when they write in first person. It probably works because the reader is involved in a dialogue and expects everything explained to him in due time because, well, s/he expects her/himself to be talking to a sane person... And even in that case, the amount of information you shove on the reader in the first paragraph is just unfair, and I can't think of any reason for you to do so. The least you could do would be to try and ground the reader first in the physical surroundings of the character musing.
Second, you seem to rush the dialogue too much. So that Strife appears to be an individual with serious psychological problems. Even if Marshall et al. guy is quite intrusive it doesn't seem to be a reason to jump up and start beating the crap out of him. The same for the dialogue. He's too angry too quickly. It could really bear some prelude, Strife to be more professional and subtle, the guy, too.
In short, if you could space and rhythm you dialogue and character to character interactions a bit, it would be much more enjoyable.
Anyway, what's SCP?
Also, you haven't proofread it in one place, and I won't stand for that.
Ah, also
Quote
Relatively loose suit coat, hiding a shoulder holster? “Why the drink?”Decide whether you are going to have the full access to the main character's mind, or not at all. There is no reason to put the last sentence in quotation marks... But there is a good reason to put a period after "coat".
