Bay 12 Games Forum

Uh, it's all wrong, it's all messed up!
Alright, whoever comes here next does the elven fortress and barrels!

Being broke and living on a Linux is tough.

A fellow aspiring writer here!
From the get-go, "It was rare that a day could be so fair yet so foul." Honestly, it doesn't tell me anything. I've noticed it with my writing recently, and have been fighting it fiercely, and I hurry to share my experience. This sentence is just a filler. Because it sounds cool, I guess. But when I see it, my brain just goes "flop". Because I don't know how a fair and foul day looks. Or maybe I should get updated on my medieval descriptions.

To the previous critic: What are you talking about? This guy is going to make the next step in modern literature after S. Meyer! But seriously, it's bad. My personal opinion is, that making yourself a hero in your writing to fulfill your fantasies is just unethical.

Oh... I started from a wrong point. I'm used to reviewing here as I read. So, basics. On one hand, fiction is film for the poor. On the other hand, fiction is a feast for imagination. Whichever way, the most important thing after the plot for you is to make your story easy to visualize. The problem with your writing can be summarized as, you're writing a plot, instead of a story. A story, as a movie in a written form, usually progresses in scenes. The setting of a scene is given some description. But not too much. Just enough clues to visualize it. A scene has characters that have distinct dialogue and actions, and all those you have to describe. But again, give just enough clues for visualization. In your first chapter I saw only one character - Strife. And everything around just a battle report. Also, one of the worst enemies of a beginning writer is trying to sound cool. For example, "But they did."
Ah, a better way would be to post some links. If I could find those I used myself... Basically, when I'm in doubt, I google "improve writing" and "writing tips". A lot of useful stuff.


...I'm sorry, there are so many things which need to be worked on, that I ramble. If my critique got you interested, I can point out specific things.
My tip. It would be good to rewrite the Heroes' first chapter starting from either more or less landscape and troop disposition's description, or from the protagonist's internal monologue, his assessment of the situation, his introduction into the events, more or less lengthy.
A better tip. Why don't you start with a short story? It would be easier to handle. Well, a superb short story requires a lot of polish and skill. But it's easier to handle. And to edit.

@Katsuun: Yay!... Editin', I suppose?

My comments:
    I don't understand these gods at all. As I perceive it, they change their styles constantly. At times they're childish, at other times - kind of cocky. Without any motive.

   Peasants never bring drink to workers outside! DF mechanic violation!

   ... That volcano definitely won't fit on stage... Or on set.

   The script definitely on a high note, but something is wrong with the structure.

   Why do they make statues for them? I'd think the incident was quite insignificant, and largely unnoticed.

   Finally, what? Who threw the pick into magma? Who left the parchment? Who sent the kobolds? Hey! You can't resolve all your plot points with a single explosion! It just isn't done...
I see what you tried to do, but an unresolved mystery just doesnt' work here. First, there are too many of them, second, there are too few clues for us to base our guesses on.

However, congratulations. 104 pages 5 days ahead of time. Impressive.

Hey, I'm gonna roll a dice on this (it's been so long ago I did it last time, I'm so excited!) Amlemth goes first. I don't know what it is, let's say, perseverance. Uh, he rolls 2. Now it's Vig's turn. He is a moderate leader, and I give him +1 to persuasion. Anyway, he's got 7. 2<7!

Amlemth's decisiveness wavers as Vig's cautionary words instill worry in his heart. Amlemth's "Hello" fades into whisper, receiving no reply.

So, is "Elf" like a curse? Or does Vig feel he's going mad?