Alright... after reading all of that, I'm feeling vaguely inspired.
Requesting a dwarfing, and sign me up for a turn. 
Are you sure? The current life expectancy of any given dwarf is about... uh... well, just think: there are thirty insane midgets stuck in a fucking tomb with skeletal horses above them and four forgotten beasts steadily carving their way up to them from below. Now add the fact that they prefer dragging the socks off their friends' backs to stockpiles instead of building walls or taking up weapons. Fruitflies ain't got shit on our dorfs.
FAILcannon seems to have been a good choice. Not to insult you personally, but...geez, that's a lot of problems.
If you survive to the next migrant wave, I'd like a dwarf. Ideally a mechanic, but as long as he's OK and not previously claimed, I'm fine. Name: Urist McLost.