Bay 12 Games Forum

Spoiler:  A short story with no point (click to show/hide)

The other day I led some infantry from TI Alloys across the bridge to the crown, and with a bit of support from the squad and timely engineer heals we made it all the way across the heavily defended bridge before being meeting our old friend Multiple Magriders who was emerging from the crown, and I had destroyed a Sunderer and backhanded three VS infantry to death in the above fashion. Two in the same hiding spot even! Though one had actually surrendered already while I was beating the other guy to death and before it registered with the enraged 7.5 foot cyborg as yet unfamiliar with surrender, who was not looking at the chatbox at the time immediately prior to when the VS infantryman non-combatant was being extra-judiciously executed post surrender conveyed through /say command via a robot pimp slapping him to death directly after his pal next to him and atrocious war crimes ensued in video game format, which is the best format for that kind of thing, and realized only after the rampaging cybernetic monster was brought to justice by a firing squad of floating main battle tanks.

Spoiler: Duuvian's notes on the surrender mechanics in place in PS2 (click to show/hide)

 Honestly, if I hadn't been too busy beating them to death with my hands in a large shootey power armor to read the chatbox I would have escorted the second VS infantryman, which in a previous short story by this author surrendered, to the coastline serving as my de-facto POW camp despite the same lady that either takes credit when I solo capture an empty base or has trouble with pronouns. She will likely yell at me to leave when I visit to drop off the many prisoners I intend to take because her area is restricted. I assume this is to protect the disarmed soldiery captured from the enemy from those who do not respect a surrendering foeperson's guarentee of protection from harm.

Regarding the death of my captive, it is likely for the best as he probably would have tried to escape anyways long before that and I don't know the command to take other people's weaponry; only my own. The command for that is up, down, up, down, left, left, down, triangle, then kill teammates in rapid succession while the game is giving you floaty word indicators when you are very close to unlocking the command. If you do it right you will not have read the indicators as they are designed to keep use of this command to a minimum and run counter to it's use, which is to surrender. Why this requires killing allies first is beyond me, but I'm sure there is a reason for it. Perhaps it's to ensure prisoner taking is kept to a minimum by allowing only a very lucky and dangerous few who complete the command and then hide to survive until being taken able to officially surrender through the usual channels to the enemy force. It's sort of like in the employee training video Mean Guns up until that point. After the surrender is accepted, the survivors would then be escorted by their captors at gunpoint to the normally restricted coastline, where they would then live for a period of time.

The heck did I just read.

Trust me: Don't focus on earning certs. Just have fun.

That said, handing out ammo as an Engineer is a great way to earn lots of points.

I've found that long range weapons with High Veloctiy ammo and a x6 scope are more effective against sniper rifles, since they have no scope sway. I can usually take on an Infiltrator no problem with my Reaper DMR, and anything at mid-to-long range is going to be diving for cover.

So... A family member was browsing a website for people looking for their parents, and may have found my aunt's adopted son. A lot of the details are too specific to be a coincidence. We still haven't heard back from him (It was just today), but holy cow. I rarely get emotional, but the idea of my aunt and uncle getting reunited with their only child has me near tears.

Wololo.

Oh the cruel irony.

I saw that earlier. Kinda sucks.

I always thought it was weird how he wrote a book about killing all those people, though.

Quote from: Facekillz058 on February 03, 2013, 09:46:48 pm

Spoiler: POLITICALLY INCORRECT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY IN HERE. BY CLICKING YOU AGREE TO NOT DISCUSS THE CONTENTS OF THIS SPOILER. YOU ALSO AGREE TO THINK NO LESS OF FACEKILLZ. (click to show/hide)

Americans need something to do/watch between welfare checks.
Except you people that have jobs, you guys are awesome.

...
 
This better be a joke.

It is a joke. It made me laugh, and I'm (Soon to be) unemployed, and thus an expert on the topic.

But yeah. Even with all the pressure to take student loans or receive unemployment benefits, it never felt right. I've always felt like I have something to prove, even if it's just for my own benefit. I understand and don't judge anyone else who finds themselves in different circumstances and I can't say anything about my future, but for me, at this moment, it feels right.

Self sufficiency makes me happy.

I decided to check them out. I only have a Nook, though, so I'll have to read it on the computer.

Might be a week or so until I can get down to actually reading them. Keep us updated; I'll see this thread, feel guilty, and review it.

Actually, I ended up reading Entangled Realities in one sitting. I'll drop my suggestions to you here and leave a more consumer-based review on Amazon.

One big disclaimer: Any critique I give should be taken worth a grain of salt (Like you said in your post). I enjoyed the book quite a bit, so just take these as suggestions that may or may not be completely accurate. I'll be thorough so you can continue to grow as a writer - You've got lots of potential.


It's obvious this is your first work, but it's certainly not bad. Once you get past the first two chapters, it picked up its pace enough to hold my interest.

One of the major problems I had were logic breaks. The main character wakes up at 5 am, thinks about his nemesis in school, almost does dishes and leaves... And it's bright and sunny outside. It made me do a double take and read the section again to figure out if I missed something. It's particularly jarring during the space battle, when time shifts forward suddenly. There's a one instance of a spatial logic break as well, such as when the Gibraltar was hiding behind a moon (Which, if it’s like Earth’s moon, is a fairly large object) and almost instantaneously springs out from behind it to attack if you take the text literally.

If time passes, it's best to represent it in some fashion - Either through an explanation ("Max did homework until it was time to leave"), or declaring that time passed at some undetermined point (Instead of "It was bright and sunny out", try "By the time Max got outside, it was bright and sunny out. He paused, blinking, surprised so much time had passed"). If you want to have a transition from one moment to a couple hours later, it's best to have a break of some sort, such as a new chapter, or some extra space between transitions.


Since formatting might be funky with different eReaders, you can even stick something between the transition paragraphs, like a bunch of dashes or something. I’m sure there are conventions out there, but I’m not aware of any.

Another thing you might try is having your character perform some task, with explanations and thoughts between. Going back to the scene where Max wakes up at 5:00 AM, you could have him get dressed, clean, or something to make time flow more naturally.

This isn't completely wasted space as long as it helps us get to know Max better - Does he pick a pair of used jeans up off the floor to wear? Is he gentle with the dishes, or does he noisily toss them around? Generally the task will be described shortly, since it's fairly mundane, but the reader will still glean a fair amount of Max's character from those short sentences. It also increases the size of the book, helping customers get a better sense of worth from buying it.

This also applies to conversations had between characters, and is a great way to improve both the quality of the dialogue and give depth of everyone involved. If you had done this with both dialogue and general character-showing actions, your book would have been much longer, adding value, and it would have also added a lot to all of the characters.


Near the beginning of the book, you tend to use a lot of adjectives in succession. This stops as you get deeper into the story, and it’s easy to see you getting into your groove as the book progresses.

Just remember that you don't want the reader tripping over overly descriptive sentences. That's half the trouble with being an author - You want to describe everything so the reader isn't confused, but add too much description and they can still become bored or confused. You don't do it much and it's easy to reread and understand when you do, but it's still something that warrants improvement. Try to remove unnecessary words, especially vague and non-descriptive ones that don't add very much.

For example, in Chapter 2: "The bridge of the Gibraltar was simply oozing with tension." Unless ‘simply’ is a continuation from some earlier argument, it's extraneous and unnecessary to the information being conveyed. If it sounds more epic without, go without - If it’s better with, try it with. You’ll have to play with your own sentences a bit to figure out what works and what doesn't.

The strongest example is probably the very first paragraph in the book, where you’re describing the valley; “...he could see the lush green grass yellow, and then turn brown...” is a little jarring until you realize that ‘yellow’ is used as a verb. In this case, it’d be more effective to describe where Max is standing as lush and then move down where it begins to yellow.

At other times your use of adjectives is perfect. I really enjoyed some of the phrasing you used on several occasions, so I know you've got the knack for it. You only need to practice to make it consistent.


Overall, it’s a good job for your first effort, only lacking in extensive polish. Keep up the good work!

If you need another editor or proofreader some time, I wouldn't mind helping out. I may not always have all the time that I do now, and I'm not the best at spotting subtle typos or mispellings, but just message me if you need me.


Here’s the review I’ll be posting on Amazon:

It's an enjoyable and quick read, and a worthy effort for a beginning writer. Despite a couple instances of odd wording and unexplained jumps in space and time in the first two chapters, Gesing hits several high notes that convinced me to read it all in one sitting (It's only about 40 pages long). It presents itself as a worthy semi-professional story, with an engaging climax and an ending that allows the imagination to guess at what happens after.

If you need a quick science fiction fix and don't mind a few minor road bumps, this a good read.