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It seems like the totally not Japanese temple is cursed. D. Rex has 1 turn to post before he dies.

Mother fucking stab those tentacles

RAAAAAGH! (3+1+1) (dodge:4) You hit the tentacles! (damage:1+2) You only scratch the beast though. And made it angry. It lashes out at you with several tentacles! (5, 5, 5) (dodge:1, 3, 4) All three hit, one especially hard! (BP:5, 6, 2) You get hit hard in the right arm, and reasonably well in the chest and throat! (6+1, 6+1, 6)  ... Yeah... That's not good. You don't feel anything, because you're unconscious! Yay! (Luck:4) You wake up in a dank cavern (still underwater). There are some merpeople there watching you. One sees you wake up and says, "We have saved you from the Dark Deep One. But you lost your arm in the battle. And most of your belongings were lost to the tides. All that you had when we found you was half of your sword, your shirt and pants, and your necklace. It was a brave effort, but the Dark Deep One takes all. Our mages were able to stop your bleeding, but your arm is lost." And so it is. Your arm is missing from the middle of the upper arm down. That sucks. The merman speaks again. "We took you to our roost in the Depths. The Stone of Balance told us to. It is through the Maze of Fear. You might want to go now."

Urghh, what was I planning to do next...

Ah yes.

Actually no, we don't need a paranoid, obsessive-compulsive 80 year old man on this ship.

Construct a MOTHERFUCKING TELEFORCE.

If I have any spare time, build a wormhole generator & control system which will allow me to instantly travel to any place that the Emet has the co-ordinates for (i.e. has been to) at any time, on any plane, in any universe.

Wormhole generators are easy to construct, it's just power that's a problem. But not for me, of course. The control computer, though, will need to be made of magitek, since it needs to warp reality in all sorts of fun ways.

You decide to build a lightning throwing cannon. (4+2) (6+1) And, as usual, you know. +1 to usefulness and efficiency and +2 to power because of Iali's awesome engineering. But with great power comes great insanity, so you get an insanity roll for this one. (5) Luckily, you don't go mad. (power:5+2) Yeah. Self-explanatory. This thing could blow holes in the universe. (size:2) And it's about the size of a rocket launcher. So, handheld for you. (usefulness:4+1) Sturdy. (efficiency:3+1) And it can shoot twenty times before running out of juice. Unplugged, that is. Because this is one awesome gun. (5+2) And you think of a way to make the jump more efficient. MUCH more efficient. But no time travel. The energy from the jump shoots into your body, making you better at things for one turn after the jump. You are a badass. And now you DECIDE TO LEAVE FOR MECHANUS. NOW. Because the people in that afterlife kicked you out when they realized that you weren't dead. You are now hovering above the mountain with the Stone on it. You don't see anything.

BURN EVERYONE. oh and Fred fires his cannon at stuff.

You grin and take another drink of the Wallbanger. This stuff is GOOD! Time to burn. You breathe fire at the priest while shooting magic at the changeling. (1) Your flamebreath goes wide and flies at Fred! (dodge:5) He gets out of the way of the flames. (2) (dodge:2) And you hit the changeling with the side of the fireball, right in the (BP:1) FACE! (damage:3+1-1) She looks shaken, and can't manage to attack you. Fred shoots at the priest (3) (dodge:3) And hits him with a glancing blow on the (BP:6) right arm. (damage:1-1) How can a fucking cannonball do no damage to a priest? Godsdamn. The priest sees Fred as more of a threat and swing his sword! (3) (dodge:5) Fred ducks out of the way easily. It looks like there's something really fancy going on in the circle in the middle. Floating runes and shit. Wow.

Ha! I killed the minions surrounding the boss with a {1}. Most excellent.

"I accept your challenge. Should I win, I want your help to find and activate the stone I seek for this bizarre quest, and I leave without a fight."

Please stop looking at it ... And stop making deals with evil liches. You just agreed to a contest with an evil creature with a blank check penalty for losing. Torir twitches and grimaces briefly before managing to control himself. Oh gods, please get me back out of here before I end up serving this lich for centuries until an adventuring party comes through and ends my torment.

"Alright then." The lich snaps hir (Don't you just love that pronoun?) fingers, and the illusion you were standing in is dispelled. Or maybe a new one appears. Whatever. The lich is now wearing a hooded robe with magical runes, and holding a Wand of Voice Amplification. There's a crowd of various undead surrounding you, and another WoVA on a stick in front of you. The lich says, "Since I'm the challenged one, I'll start the round...

"Well look at this shit, a Paladin in my crib, thinkin' he hot in his platemail bib. You walk like a giant but are hung like a gnome, and all the bitches in your crew be after MY bone. Your broadsword's more like a tooth pick. Detect evil? Bitch, try that on me and my stink will just make you sick. I radiate evil, got more class features than soldiers in Vietnam. You got your special mount? Bitch that's my name for your MOM. You got D10 HD, bitch I roll D12s, more magic than elves, more power than the hells. I'm dropping d6s like an avalanche, casting save or die spells that'll make you blanch. Face it my friend, your backs to the wall. I don't need a moral dilemma to make YOUR ass fall. They call me DJ Phylactery; scourge of destiny master of arcane epiphany. Who you fools think you are, tryin' to bust a cap in me? Rollin' through my dungeon lookin' to plunder, tryin' to steal my thunder its a wonder you made it past my traps at all; the spiked wall, the acid pit, I got so many minions I'm swimming in kobold shit! But my greatest weapon's my wit, and y'all bit off more'n you can chew, so draw those +3 butter knives and let me serve you!"

Oh. Oh shit. You better think up some sweet rhymes fast.

"Yeah? Well you can kiss my Ahzz!" Ax retorted. That was a good one! Now to cripple his morale! "Just who in the hells do you think you're facing? I'm Axolisin Sathael, better known as Sin! King of thieves and slayer of assassins! When you hear people whisper in fear of the son of Demon Lord Kaskh, they're talking about me!" he yelled, drawing two of his throwing knives in such a manner as to catch the light with a blinding flash. "If you don't get out of my way I'm going to ram right through you!" he yelled, charging forward and throwing the knives, then immediately drawing his daggers as he closed distance, preparing to strike in the legs to return that whip blow a moment ago.

You give an amazing speech, (4+1) [Note: You don't get the intimidation bonus for the horns or the Denizen of Shadow because he's a godsdamned demon lord] and the demon lord looks intimidated! (-1 to his actions) You throw two of your knives at him! (5+1, 4+1) (dodge:3-1, 2-1) Both strike true and hard, (BP:4, 1) one to his right leg and the other to his face. (damage:6+2, 5+3) Both his leg and head fly off. What? "No! Don't look at me! Great and mighty! Ahzz! I'll give you a medal! A job! A Ring of Intelligence! I'll help you find your way home!" The rest of him falls apart and a tiny imp rolls out. The Great and Mighty Ahzz? Just an imp? Pay no attention to the imp in the suit?

(AI:1) Call out to monsters to come and get me!

(2) Thankfully, you can't attract any beasts. That is good. You sit in the dark and wait for death to come.


Statuses:







Allies:

Vehicles:

Vortices Found:             Stones Activated:
Plane of Death  √
Abyss √
Plane of Water √
Mechanus √
Celestia √                              √
Wizard's Tower √
Generic Asian Dojo √

>Restart my computer and Captchalogue the beautiful SPACE WARS FANART.

Ah! The spiders! Get them off get them off getthemofffmeeeeeeee!!!!

"No, you're right. I wouldn't. Because that would be immoral. We are going to go to the village, and talk to living people. Who will stay living. Am I making myself clear?" King left without waiting for Briar's answer and rented a Jeep. He drove over to Briar. "Now get in. And give me the map. Please." Neither noticed the shadowy figure watching them from the shadows. He quickly slipped away.

Curse you foul humans! This is not how apples work!

"So nobody's going to Iowa? Whatever. Let's go."

"I'll go to Cairo to keep an eye on the necromancer. So, anyone else want to go to Iowa?"

"Alright. Blankey wants Iowa, James wants Paris. And James has a house in Paris. So, Paris for the B/J body, Cairo for Briar, Iowa for the Gaunt. Where does everyone else want to go?"